# Removing thoughts from your mind - long term



## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

My wife and I are having a conversation tonight. As some of you know we are about 9 months out. Our recovery from my wife's affair has been progressing, but she thinks that have some issues "letting go".

I do have a fairly obsessive personality. I have to figure things out in my mind. So, as you can imagine these thoughts have all haunted me terribly. To this day I still think about the affair, and am hurt by it first thing each morning, every night before going to sleep, and between 20-100 times randomly throughout the day, based on if I am having a good day or a bad day. Now these 20-100 thoughts can be just little reminders….not necessarily a long thought.

I agree with her that I need to get this mess off my mind. I have a beautiful family, the wife of my dreams, and everything should be good in my life. I just have these fears of losing it all and I think about the affair nearly all of the time still. This all took me completely by surprise, and I’m still scared to death that it can happen again and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

My question is, for those who are also several months/years out, how often do you still think about your partners affair? And were you ever able to get it off your mind? If so, how?


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## SeekingSerenity (Jul 29, 2011)

I would love to hear others thoughts as well, granted I am only 3 weeks out, but I don't thimk I could take months upon months of this.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

I'm of much the same kind of personality/mindset, it-guy. I'm a bad sample of how to get your mind off of it, though.

When left to our own devices, incidents of dwelling on my wife's PA are getting fewer and further between. But, since we both work with her PA partner, it does come to mind an average of five days a week, at least. Seeing him, hearing his braying voice...it just takes me right back to July of last year when I found out.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I want to hear too. I did have a friend stop by my house the other day, saw all my reading material on my kitchen table, and said, " I don't tell people this, but, this happened to me 10 years ago, and if you want to talk about anything I will listen. The first question out of my mouth was, "Does it ever go away?" "Sadly", she said, "she thinks of it everyday, she lives with the one who hurt her the most. His face is there everyday, you cant help to." "But, does it get better?" She said for her, 'it's different."
That was out of a mouth 10 years out . UGH!!!!


~sammy


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## Lily_B (Jul 28, 2011)

It_guy,
Sounds like we are kinda the same. I am 3 weeks in and my personality is-i can't get over things easily, hold grudges. How am I supposed to think months from now...sorry you are going thru this!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

14 months out from DDay.

It takes 2-5 years to make a recovery from a severe betrayal like this, *those who claim they're recovered any sooner than this are in a state of denial and rug sweeping*.

I'm concerned that her saying things like you have trouble letting go is akin to saying "just get over it already". You're ONLY 9 months out, not even a year. *You have the right to heal on your own timeline, not hers.* She should not be pressuring you to let it go already, that's rugsweeping. Try not to live in a state of fear that you could lose it all. You should try to accept the fact that if R fails, that's fine and you will move on, and if R is successful, that's even better. Just can't live in a state of fear.


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## terrified (Jul 26, 2011)

Thank you for starting this post. It's nice to know what I am in for if I decide to stay.


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## better than before (Aug 3, 2011)

It has been almost a year for us- dday is August 18th. The EA lasted only 7 weeks, but we are still trying to deal with fact that OW just won't let go. It was her b'day yesterday, and my H got 7 calls from a blocked number. He also got email last night basically asking why he couldn't have given her just a little by answering his cell. We have decided that we want to know when she is over it by not spamming messages. She never told her husband, to our knowledge, so she is still trying to live in the fantasy world they created. He said that he was always honest to her about what they had; he never alluded that he would leave me to be with her. She refuses to accept that they can't even have a friendship, which we all know just isn't possible. Sorry for repeat of history, but I think it helps to know where people are in the process. We have taken great steps, and our relationship is stronger now. It has been a hard road for me, and for him. He has struggled too. Just recently, I realized it had been a few months since I had really thought about it all. Triggers have occurred in the past few weeks, and I have thought about it a lot. I think we all have good days and bad days. I don't think it ever goes away completely; it gets less painful and the pain isn't raw like it is in the beginning. We have decided the reminder of it is helping us to focus on our marriage everyday. We didn't realize it, but we started to take each other and what we had for granted (together 21 years- met in HS- long distance dating 6 years)now married 13.5 years). I wish you luck in trying to continue the process of healing and forgiveness. I wish I could post that I believe it will totally leave your thoughts, but I don't. Just channel it for the good.


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## 1-12-t1 (Aug 7, 2011)

To me, i went away for college last year. Left about this time of the year. Never knew how bad it would hurt either of us. Cried my eyes out. We were off and on but always emotionally together. Came back and went thru her texts, she had a hook up and slept with another guy. Tried to deal with it a week, but im young, im 19 and i know i will find another gorgeous lady out there. No im not married no i dont have any kids but in my mind, its clearly tearing me up inside right now but in a year? i think ill be better off single or even with another girl. i was up at 6, tried for an hour to go back to sleep and even breaking up with her i still think about it. also made me think that maybe i havent forgivin her and thats why i still think about it. But im sorry, too all the people who cant get the thoughts out of your head. I know what its like and it sucks. and worst part is is that your girl doesnt know what its like, and will never feel the pain we have felt.


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

its been 7 months since I learned of my wife's affair. We have made a lot of progress with counseling and working through a program(book) we found, and we are in a better place than we ever were before. I consider myself fortunate in that when I discovered she cheated, the affair had long since ended. I wasn't dealing with the OM in our lives or the fog like so many others here.

That said, there isn't a day that goes by where I do not think about it.  I do not dwell on it though, meaning the thoughts don't cause me to shut down, lose focus on what I am doing, or drive me to continue to ask her "why".


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

bs193 said:


> its been 7 months since I learned of my wife's affair. We have made a lot of progress with counseling and working through a program(book) we found, and we are in a better place than we ever were before. I consider myself fortunate in that when I discovered she cheated, the affair had long since ended. I wasn't dealing with the OM in our lives or the fog like so many others here.
> 
> That said, there isn't a day that goes by where I do not think about it. I do not dwell on it though, meaning the thoughts don't cause me to shut down, lose focus on what I am doing, or drive me to continue to ask her "why".


:iagree:

You still think about it often, but it doesn't consume you as much anymore.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

13 years here and my wife has never fully recovered 100%, she's probably only at 95%, said she will never fully recover 100% ever.

But she's loved me enough to stay with me the past 13 years so that means she's got a very big heart to forgive me enough to stay.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I'm trying to learn how to just let it go. I really need to. I know what I want; I just don't know how to get there.

I've been scared in the past that getting over it went hand in hand with losing my love for her. This is not something I am willing to sacrifice just to make me feel better.

I did want to clarify that my thoughts these days are rarely mind blowing, full on depression incidents. They are just the quick thoughts that I get from the constant triggers of my daily life. 

The affair touched nearly every part of my life and these reminders are everywhere. I dream of the day where I don’t “remember” the affair one single time.

I also wanted to throw a message out to the Night Owls who posted. In the beginning I experienced severe sleep deprivation because of the continues stream of thoughts and mind-movies. And when I did sleep I would wake up with nightmares involving the affair. A few weeks in I found that I could take Tylenol PM and have a moderately good night’s sleep. This was a big help and I did it for nearly 4 months. I later found a better fix for this by accident. I had been working out very hard in the gym for months and months. Figured I would try a little “natural, non-steroid testosterone boosting”. And you would not believe how good you can sleep when you are worn out physically and get your hormones back into teenager mode.


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## terrified (Jul 26, 2011)

dgtal said:


> The last time I woke up from the "shut down/focus lost" I had my hand under my lawn mower (Almost lost 2 fingers) 1 year ago after 2 years of my wife A.
> 
> One year after DDay I woke up from my mental "shut down" driving into oncoming traffic, unconciously I entered the traffic in the wrong way, and guess what, head on collision with a incoming SUV, thanks GOD the damage wasn't too bad since I manage to avoid the incoming traffic quickly shifting to reverse and speeding up backward, but still somebody hit me. My mind wasn't there, I wasn't there until I heard the horns from the incoming cars (5-7 cars) in a very heavy traffic street.


This really scares me because I have been there a few times. I describe it like, you know when you have drank WAY too much and you feel like a rubber doll (I remember this from when I was 21 lol). It feels like someone stuffed you in a bowl of jello and now you are numb and kinda can't hear, you could fall down a set of stairs and get up and walk away with a broken leg. Anyone remember that feeling?

I live in that all day every day. To make it worse and really complicated I work for an airline. I have NO ROOM for mistakes on my job. _*NO ROOM*_. It terrifies me.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

For me those "blackouts" didn't last very long. I do remember driving to and from work a few times and not remembering anything about the drive. But for the most part that passed when I started sleeping again.

My biggest problem is when I am spending time alone, like chilling out, or driving a long distance. I think about it the entire time. Normal days full of distractions are just those constant quick thoughts that really don't lead to anything....just a little gut twist feeling.

Drinking....well my wife may be sort of right. She thinks I cannot drink at all because it causes it... I can drink, and get quite drunk when I'm having a good day and be fine. But if I'm having a bad day I will usually break down to a sobbing mess.


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

my wife just moved out. 
i found out in 5 1/2 months ago. ive seen her waffle between staying and healing and going and getting her fix to the point where i basically decided to make the choice for her.

i did a lot of detective work, so to speak. ive read probably 5 books on the subject of affairs. and additional 10 on sex and relationships. 
i have every text she sent to and fro for the past 5 months as well. i know alot about he affair. the words they used, how she flirted.etc. but i dont know everything.
i am in contact with with the OMX and got enough info on him to know what hes going to do before he does it.

i was very aggressive in all this, and i believe that that has probably upped my ability to heal. i am also in therapy, but for my self as much as for the affair.

because i decided to to be so aggressive, i feel in a lot of ways that i took control of the situation. ive slowly faced my fears, and tackled the triggers head on. ive also focused on the logical aspects. the why affairs happen kinda thing. ive constructed a timeline of events and reevealuated from the point when my wife said things have gone wrong until today to see what i could do better.

now dont get me wrong, i still get affected. like i said she moved out, so what ever brief encounters theyve had intimitley are going to get far worse and really screw with my head.

but the only thing i can do, the only person i can control is me.

if i focus on making my self a better person, then i can continue to approach the situation with integrity and honor.

and i believe that in the end, we will work it out, and if she puts forth the effort, we can get past it, because i believe im already half way healed, i just need her to fill in the blanks and be honest...


oh and never see the bastard ever again...






wouldnt hurt if his car caught on fire too. with him in it...


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Just over 3 months out (DDay may 5th) and the 20-100 times a day sounds under my frequency by about half. The only thing I can say is that now I only trigger for maybe half as long as I did during those first several weeks. 

I still trigger from the oddest things, very possibly because I knew the guy and his family, so driving anywhere near or past his town, seeing the brand of car he drives, passing the restaurant in my town that he frequents, getting in my own damn car that they made out in, seeing my wife text or on the computer or talk on the phone, or or hey, even _having my own damn wife kiss me_ will trigger me 99% of the time, still. And frankly I think it always will; I will just learn to push it down better and better over time, have the 'episode' last for shorter and shorter durations. I can't see it going away, I really can't.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Interesting thoughts above on taking control Elph.. I did some detective work, snooping, and talked with the OM. But, none of those things ever made me feel in control at all. I felt like I was just doing what I had to do to keep my sanity......had to know what was going on.

As a matter of fact, beyond improving myself, I don't think I have had any choices or control in this entire mess. It's like I've just been walking on egg shells and trying to not make the situation any worse. 

Perhaps taking a more hardline approach would have helped me in the long term. Realistically I do not believe a hardline approach with my wife would have had any bennifit. I was not really dealing with fog issues because it was over already. 

But maybe I should have distanced myself from the situation more and taken more of an active role in my own feelings. I could have spent some time away from the home instead of mopeing around like a freeking zombie doormat. I'm not talking about leaving....just taking some day trips for myself. 

No question about the other man. I should have immediatly destroyed his relationship by telling his girlfriend. Instead I let it go because I didn't want to make the "short term" any worse than it was. Had no idea that I was messing up the "long-term".

I should have found this forum sooner. There is a lot of hardline guidence on this forum. Sometimes it is overkill, but sometimes it is just what we need to hear.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

2x, I agree that kiss reminder is a b1tch.


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

it-guy said:


> Interesting thoughts above on taking control Elph.. I did some detective work, snooping, and talked with the OM. But, none of those things ever made me feel in control at all. I felt like I was just doing what I had to do to keep my sanity......had to know what was going on.
> 
> As a matter of fact, beyond improving myself, I don't think I have had any choices or control in this entire mess. It's like I've just been walking on egg shells and trying to not make the situation any worse.
> 
> ...


i hear ya, there are a few things i wish i would have upped the quickness in which i did things.
i havent really taken a hardline approach to this, i just keep looking at it as i have to to whats best for the long term success of this marriage.

but i do slip up.

some would say my confrontation with the OM was bad. i feel quite the opposite. not only did i have an effect on him, but on my wife, and most definatley on myself. 

and initally all my snooping was to feed my morbid curiosity and as well to hope she would come to her senses on her own so i wouldnt have to do anything. instead i have a list of things that we can discuss if we get to that point. 

something else i was going to say, something 2X brought up and related to my aggressivness on the subject. 2X mentioned how anything can be a trigger and it is true. but my therapist, i believe, gave me some good advice. and it was this.

when the time is right, you have to decide to make new memories to overwrite the ones that are stuck in your head.

and i think thats true.

my wife said to me, in moment of clarity, that if she falls on her face and she comes back, maybe we can really start dating again. in other words, wed be married, but wed start dating like we used to. use grandma more to watch our son. but just getting out and building us up again. well have times to talk about the affair and focus on reconciling. but more time should be spent on building the relationship again....

and in a way, weve been doing that up until..

so ive got the aggressive mindset to tackle this and not let the OMs bull crap affect what could be the future of my marriage


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

9 months and I do think about it but it has gotten progressively less and less. One thing I've found for me to move away from it is to stop doing things that draw me back into it. Things like check phone logs - cut it back to once a month. Going by the OM's house to see if his wife is still gone - stopped it all together. Sitting around spending way too much time on the computer - too much time to think. You have to do the things that draw your mind into other things and it will fade faster than you think. The second thing is saying to yourslef, it is over and we are moving forward. I have to take a chance and love like I never did before and like I've never been hurt. I agree with most of what Lord mayhem said except, you do have to move away from it and it is not rug sweeping. I have thought it to death. My eyes wide open. At this point I am only hurting myself by staying mired in the pain and the paranoia. There are MANY reasons to be happy, embrace them. EMbrace your wife and soak in her love.


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## Tullip (Apr 21, 2011)

It's been about almost 3 yrs since my H affair. He moved out for 1 year and this August will make 1 yr that he has been back home. We went to marriage counselling for 7 months as well as individual therapy for about 2 yrs. I truly believe my husband is sorry for how much he hurt me and has become a changed man. However, there is probably not a day that goes by that I dont think about his affair. It does not consume me the way it use too, but it usually comes as a fleeting thought. 
It does not get in the way of my connection with him nor do i bring it up or ask questions. I honestly do not think I will ever fully recover. But I also don't think he will either. He says he often has horrible dreams about what/how it happened. It is something that has changed us and our marriage forever...
We have a new found respect for each other and I'm confident it won't happen again. 
I think "*cheatinghubby's*" wife is right on point at recovering 95 % and not ever fully recovering.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

it-guy said:


> 2x, I agree that kiss reminder is a b1tch.


Yeah, and the trouble is, the deeper, longer, better the kissing is, the harder the trigger hits. You tell yourself "just let it be" -- but it's there, and ya can't put it away no matter how hard you try. It sneaks in, and suddenly it's like trying to take on a sumo wrestler in a closed cage.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

2xloser said:


> Yeah, and the trouble is, the deeper, longer, better the kissing is, the harder the trigger hits. You tell yourself "just let it be" -- but it's there, and ya can't put it away no matter how hard you try. It sneaks in, and suddenly it's like trying to take on a sumo wrestler in a closed cage.


Yep, thats it exactly.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I want to add - remember, the torture your feeling comes from you. Yes your wife or husband did terrible things, they created a bomb crater and you crawled into it. Your own mind is digging that hole deeper and deeper every time you focus on the past and what happened. It's almost impossible to stop in the beggining. What you need to do at some point is crawl out of that hole and start to fill it in. You do that by focusing on the future. Pushing those movies out and forcing in thoughts of the future and happier times ahead. Your WS can't do this for you, only help with comfort and reassuring words and actions. Talk to your IC about how to deal with obsessive thoughts.

Here is two brief excerpts from other websites - if you want to know where PM me.

"Triggers" - Images, Memories, Flashbacks 
by Peggy Vaughan

The recurring images of your partner with someone else are tough, especially since they come back for quite awhile - but they can/do eventually go away. How well I remember the way I'd be lying in my husband's arms, then suddenly have this sinking feeling just sweep over me as I'd imagine him with other women in his arms.

I found that anything/everything could trigger those images. His very first affair was with a woman whose name was the same as our daughter's middle name - so there was no escaping that. And as silly as it sounds, I even found myself affected by the fact that our family dog reminded me of one of the women - because they both had red hair!

The images and memories don't just magically disappear, but they do eventually diminish and then gradually fade away - if you work at helping that happen. While we can't keep them from coming, we can refuse to "dwell" on them; we can immediately try to move away from those images.

Also, of course, the way we're being treated by our spouse during our "recovery" can make a big difference. If we're able to balance these painful images with new, more positive experiences, it helps enormously.

Finally, just a reminder that I'm not talking theoretically here. I've "been there" and struggled with the images as well, but they DID go away and I have no residual pain from them. So I thought it might be helpful to share my own early struggles.

Here's an excerpt from our book, Beyond Affairs:

"The memories continued to haunt me. I'd be doing just fine, and then something would happen to remind me of the past - and it would feel like it was happening all over again. The least little thing might trigger these memories. It could be a reference to a particular person or place or subject, or a color or a song - or a hundred other things. Invariably, it would bring back in full living color every detail of the painful feelings and events of the past.

"This yo-yo up and down in my ability to cope with his affairs continued to keep me off balance for two or three years. There were times when things would be great and I'd think I was over the hump and had adjusted. Then...Bam! I'd get knocked all the way back down into a depression.

"I frequently wished I could have amnesia. That seemed to be the only way I could forget the past. Also, I wished for time to pass. I'd always heard that time heals, but I never heard just how much time it takes. I didn't know whether I could last long enough.

"We spent many, many hours talking about our feelings and trying to get a handle on the whole experience. Little by little it got easier to handle the emotional aspects too...Finally, one day the pain just slipped away when I didn't even notice."
Moving from Pain to Recovery 
by Peggy Vaughan

Sometimes just "thinking" about the time when you learned about your spouse's affair (even after a lot of time has passed) feels like it just happened - or that it's happening all over again. People make comments like: "It still feels like it just happened yesterday" or "It is like my brain and body don't realize that any time at all has passed; it is literally like being THEN."

There's actually a biological basis for this: the body doesn't discriminate between whether something is actually happening at a given moment or whether the brain is simply "reviewing" past events.

This is why going over and over the painful details in your mind makes it so difficult to recover; it's as if it's happening again and again. The body doesn't know the difference.

So the passage of time does very little to help in recovering. In fact, it can make it worse if the time is spent obsessively going over the painful thoughts. There needs to be a concerted effort to try to get more understanding and perspective rather than just repeatedly reviewing all the details.

Naturally, this is easier said than done. I still remember the struggle to come to the point where I could emotionally accept a lot of things that I could rationally understand. (There's an inevitable gap between intellectually understanding something like this and emotionally accepting the reality of it.)

The painful thoughts will come (they can't be prevented). But what happens next makes all the difference. If someone "gives in" to the painful thoughts and dwells on them, the pain will stay the same - or get worse. But if someone acknowledges the painful emotions are there again (but deliberately focuses their attention on whatever rational understandings they're gaining about the whole issue of affairs), then they're gaining some control of the power of the thoughts to bring pain.

There's an old saying that applies in this kind of situation: "What we feed is what grows." So feeding the painful thoughts makes them hang in and maintain their strength. Refusing to feed them weakens them.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Thanks 8years.....this is really good stuff. This is actually more of the way my wife has been trying to tell me, rather than rug-sweeping herself. She encourages me to push it out of my mind. She does get frustrated, but she means well.

I just get discouraged sometimes because I know that this is all going to be harder on me.... and, I was not involved in the affair. I'm just the one who takes the biggest hit from it. The LS gets hammered by everything that both the WS and the OM/OW did wrong.

My wife and the OM will very easily force this from their minds because they feel guilt. And I think your brain has a built-in defense designed to help you push guilt away. I reference my own feelings and recovery from the things that I did wrong in the past....I got over them quite easily. It was like magic in a sense when I recall how quickly I got past my wrong-doings.

Plus....I wonder how many "man" issues come in to play here. Now I do understand that a loyal wife may want to pull the hair out of an OW. That is understandable....we all get mad at the OM/OW. But I think most guys get the bonus feeling of being humiliated by the experience of having another man literally walk in and TAKE your territory. Sorry girls....not trying to imply that you are property of a man…..just that you are our prize and responsibility in a protective kind of way. Hence the need to “man-up” and take some form of control back.

I think most guys carry some of this around long term along with the typical emotional hurt from the actual affair. For me, I think it’s a good 50/50. I guess that is partially dependent on your particular situation and how you handled the OM. 

But everything you said and quoted about is right. It’s just very difficult to actually do. But understanding you have a problem is the first step. Once you understand it, then you have no excuse to not fix it.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

The first step is ALWAYS the hardest because it requires you to take a chance on the unknown - your WS. When you examine it closely, the WS is not really so unknown. There was a Jeckyl and a Hyde personality compartmentalization going on with them during the A. Now that it is in the light, if your WS is doing their best in actions, the Jeckyl is gone. Take a chance. Feel the love she is showing. Fall into it without putting both hands out to catch yourself. Return that love and find comfort in it when triggers or mind F movies start. You'll ahve setbacks, I still do, but they become less and less frequent and less and less severe.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Oh and your safety and security - I feel like I could spot this coming 10 miles away now. I have so many "why did I ignore that" moments that I feel confident with eyes wide open I'll see it starting again if it does. But pull WAY back on the watching - if your not finding anything it's your paranoia pulling you back into the pain.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I imagine most female BS feel sexually humiliated in the "women' issues too. I know I did, do... It's a hard thing to take no matter which sex. But, I do understand men can feel this pretty badly. 


~sammy


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

A comment about the LS Having harder and the WS being able to bury it easier. Burying it is not healthy - it constantly tears at them.
I would rather be in your shoes trying to do this. She is still deranged for all intents and purposes. She is in mourning over the loss of the OM and going through withdrawl like an heroin addict over the high stopping and the god feelings that came with it. SHe is having to face your pain that she caused and because she really does love you, this hurts to her core and it is very hard to face herself in the mirror and take ownership. Her integrity and self respect are in tatters. This is why she can't own it yet and until she does, she can't begin to forgive herself. Dr. Jeckle and MR. Hyde are in battle in her mind. Yes you have tons to face, but realistically a lot less than her. The hardest thing in the world is to show empathy and give her the time to work through it. But you have to if you want her to get healthy and shed the split personality.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> A comment about the LS Having harder and the WS being able to bury it easier. Burying it is not healthy - it constantly tears at them.
> I would rather be in your shoes trying to do this. She is still deranged for all intents and purposes. She is in mourning over the loss of the OM and going through withdrawl like an heroin addict over the high stopping and the god feelings that came with it. SHe is having to face your pain that she caused and because she really does love you, this hurts to her core and it is very hard to face herself in the mirror and take ownership. Her integrity and self respect are in tatters. This is why she can't own it yet and until she does, she can't begin to forgive herself. Dr. Jeckle and MR. Hyde are in battle in her mind. Yes you have tons to face, but realistically a lot less than her. The hardest thing in the world is to show empathy and give her the time to work through it. But you have to if you want her to get healthy and shed the split personality.


I can see your point. I agree that I would not want to be a DS because I don't want to carry that kind of guilt. It does suck no matter which end you are on.

My wife and I kid about writing a book about all of this mess one day. I bet everyone of us on this board have thought the same thing. This is like a crash course in understanding yourself and relationships on a very deep level.


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> There was a Jeckyl and a Hyde personality compartmentalization going on with them during the A. Now that it is in the light, if your WS is doing their best in actions, the Jeckyl is gone.


What a great thread.

8years, I think you mean that Hyde is gone. Mr Hyde was the bad guy. (I always get this confused too, because an evil Dr sounds more typical for horror movies.)

And, until the post that followed this, it was again convincing me that knowing details isn't better. 

Consider carefully, elph, how much you want to know.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

ItHappenedToMe said:


> What a great thread.
> 
> 8years, I think you mean that Hyde is gone. Mr Hyde was the bad guy. (I always get this confused too, because an evil Dr sounds more typical for horror movies.)
> 
> ...



I'm curious, have you told your husband about your PA yet?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

Obviously not.

I'm still working through my end of the pain of the OOW and the devastation I created. Right now, I'm at 'anger.' Even had the fog roll in a few nights ago - it was awful.

I know this will sound 'protectionist,' and it is...I know him, I know how he will respond, I know how he will grieve, and how these triggers will affect him, the depression that will ensue, how the loss of focus will hit him...UGH is not a strong enough word.

Thanks for asking.

ScArlet


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> 14 months out from DDay.
> 
> It takes 2-5 years to make a recovery from a severe betrayal like this, *those who claim they're recovered any sooner than this are in a state of denial and rug sweeping*.
> 
> I'm concerned that her saying things like you have trouble letting go is akin to saying "just get over it already". You're ONLY 9 months out, not even a year. *You have the right to heal on your own timeline, not hers.* She should not be pressuring you to let it go already, that's rugsweeping. Try not to live in a state of fear that you could lose it all. You should try to accept the fact that if R fails, that's fine and you will move on, and if R is successful, that's even better. Just can't live in a state of fear.


I couldn't agree more. 9 months out is so soon...don't be ashamed if you need to crawl before you can run. After my wife had her affair I would say it was a year before it didn't eat me up everyday. Full recovery in like 3 years. The images will slowly go away with time. Great damage was done, there is no magic wand that will make it all go away overnight. 

best wishes,

GM


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

Pidge, I though I'd let you know I talked to H in the wee hours this morning. 

It actually went well, and he figured out most of it.

Then, this AM TOM made contact. Had a D-day with him, too. 

What a work.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

So what precisely happened with TOM?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

If I can throw my tuppence in...

A good few years ago I suffered from a little OCD which involved a ritual of teeth clenching and grinding whilst driving past street junctions and road signs (please, please don't ask ) Failure to perform these rites would see me start to panic, sweat and think I was going to keel over and pass out or die.
I am thankfully well over this, and used the same technique to drastically reduce the pain from my WW affair.
The thoughts are going to come in regardless, they can't be stopped, but what you CAN do is minimise the attention that you give to them. I didn't try to push them out, but allowed them in, told them (vocally) that I wouldn't give them that much power over me, or I'd say, 'No!' and then gently (not forcing) think of something different. At first the intrusive thoughts just jump back in, but after a while you will literally feel your control over them (reduced negative physiological reaction to bad thoughts, increased feeling of self control when you divert to a good thought) and they start to weaken in effect. It takes effort and you must be quite persistent at first, but it pays off big time. It will also give a greater clarity of mind.
I'm just over 3 months out from D-Day and, yes, sometimes I get 'pangs' of hurt, but nothing that doesn't dissolve quickly. I have good days and bad days, but even the bad days no longer get me down anywhere near the level they used to.

Best wishes, and hope you a strong recovery

N-B


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> So what precisely happened with TOM?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Conversation. Denial. Deflected all wrongs to me. Upset it wasn't a happy time.

I said everything I wanted. His response was classic, from what I've learned.

Don't wish to thread jack!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

ItHappenedToMe said:


> Conversation. Denial. Deflected all wrongs to me. Upset it wasn't a happy time.
> 
> I said everything I wanted. His response was classic, from what I've learned.
> 
> Don't wish to thread jack!


SO post in your own thread!


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> SO post in your own thread!


Silly...you asked me a question, I answered! Why start a thread to say those three things?

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming...


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

It-Guy - thought you might be interested in this post on disbeliefs page. These feelings are you move forward.

Here's one for you disbelief. A hell of a session at MC tonight. Two things. My wife made it clear once again she cannot understand why I wanted to R with her. How could I still love her in spite of everything. She did not feel worthy of my love and devotion and desire to always be there for her. Going into her knee replacement surgery this wednesday she didn't feel worthy of the burden she was going to be. The MC flat out asked me why. I explained that there were times when I felt done, especially when she refused NC. But what got me to hold on despite her unwillingness to give me any hope was my love for her. I mentioned how torn up I was when I travelled missing her and wanting her. She said " I couldn't understand that because when you got home you weren't that close." I explained I was as close as she would let me be, that it was like trying to cuddle a porcupine - there were three in our marriage though I didn't know it and she didn't accept my love like I wanted her to. The MC jumped in and reminded her that everyhting that was a problem with me in our marriage was a lack of involvement in her life and a lack of intimacy that I craved. She rejected it at the time and only saw my angry responses to her rejection. He made it clear to her that she had to forgive herself and open up to my love and that it would help me immensely. I reinforced that on the way home. She also vocalized that she wondered how the OM was doing. I responded I would expect that, he was a friend of both of ours for more than 30 years and she had developed an attachment to him in spite of not wanting to admit it. I understood why she would wonder, I hated it, but I understood it. I also explained it was very important to be honest about those feelings - it showed she was being honest and that was more important than the feelings and gave me the opportunity to help her resist the urge to contact him. A very emotional but very revealing and helpful session.

I truly pray your wife can eventually open you the same way and I encourage you to encourage her to find forgiveness for herself. It is the biggest and hardest step for her to move forward.
__________________


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

It happened - open up will ya - on one of your threads. Quit being so damned closed off.


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

Not closed off. Just succinct. 

You've got the necessary details, lovey!


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I must admit this exchange looks a little odd.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Sorry to hijack IT, happened does not have her own thread that really discusses what is happening with her. Just superficial stuff.


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

Darlin, the details are twisted because of my particulars. I'm healing from the OMs tales, sorting it out; and meanwhile, dealing with H and working through our problems. Nothing to see, to read, honestly.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

So why not discuss it - on PM even?


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

ItHappenedToMe said:


> What a great thread.
> 
> 8years, I think you mean that Hyde is gone. Mr Hyde was the bad guy. (I always get this confused too, because an evil Dr sounds more typical for horror movies.)
> 
> ...


i know that the knowledge is a slippery slope to madness. but i think how honest my wife is will make a big difference, and her reaction. as well as her willingness to tell me, which will be a test in trust.
i also believe that if i tackle it with the same "peter parkerness" ive been known for , i may be okay.

but anything she tells me is going to hurt. im hoping to use that and turn it into something positive. maybe to keep things from reminding her of him, of to encourage myself to become better.

i have to tackle what ever may come with out fear and turn all of it into something positive.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Here is a post from disbeliefs thread about my last MC session. I guess the important point in this is you have not show anger when things like your wife or spouse say they wonder how the OM is doing. It is more important for the WS to feel comfortable being honest and opening up than it is to vent and show your anger and distaste for what they are feeling which only shuts them down. You actually need to thank them and praise them for their honesty. The other interesting thing in this session was I truly believed she had started to forgive herself and was doing well with it. To my surprise she wasn't. In retrospect, I could still feel the resitance to letting herself go in love but was not paying attention to it becuase we were still doing better than we had pre- D-day.

Here's one for you disbelief. A hell of a session at MC tonight. Two things. My wife made it clear once again she cannot understand why I wanted to R with her. How could I still love her in spite of everything. She did not feel worthy of my love and devotion and desire to always be there for her. Going into her knee replacement surgery this wednesday she didn't feel worthy of the burden she was going to be. The MC flat out asked me why. I explained that there were times when I felt done, especially when she refused NC. But what got me to hold on despite her unwillingness to give me any hope was my love for her. I mentioned how torn up I was when I travelled missing her and wanting her. She said " I couldn't understand that because when you got home you weren't that close." I explained I was as close as she would let me be, that it was like trying to cuddle a porcupine - there were three in our marriage though I didn't know it and she didn't accept my love like I wanted her to. The MC jumped in and reminded her that everyhting that was a problem with me in our marriage was a lack of involvement in her life and a lack of intimacy that I craved. She rejected it at the time and only saw my angry responses to her rejection. He made it clear to her that she had to forgive herself and open up to my love and that it would help me immensely. I reinforced that on the way home. She also vocalized that she wondered how the OM was doing. I responded I would expect that, he was a friend of both of ours for more than 30 years and she had developed an attachment to him in spite of not wanting to admit it. I understood why she would wonder, I hated it, but I understood it. I also explained it was very important to be honest about those feelings - it showed she was being honest and that was more important than the feelings and gave me the opportunity to help her resist the urge to contact him. A very emotional but very revealing and helpful session.

I truly pray your wife can eventually open you the same way and I encourage you to encourage her to find forgiveness for herself. It is the biggest and hardest step for her to move forward.
__________________


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## GETTING PAST THE HURT (Aug 15, 2011)

Numb-badger said:


> If I can throw my tuppence in...
> 
> A good few years ago I suffered from a little OCD which involved a ritual of teeth clenching and grinding whilst driving past street junctions and road signs (please, please don't ask ) Failure to perform these rites would see me start to panic, sweat and think I was going to keel over and pass out or die.
> I am thankfully well over this, and used the same technique to drastically reduce the pain from my WW affair.
> ...


This is so true. I am in my umpteenth 1st year since my last 'D-DAY' (NEW TO THIS) on Nov 28,2010 (sneak meet up but nothing came of it). The last time they were together was Sept 2009. I can tell you the thoughts are going to come no matter what. The slightest thing will tiger them. A certain tone of voice, street where something small comes to mind and all of the sudden you know the truth and the lies for the 1st time .At this point after a long affair has been going on you have still got to be figuring it all out in your mind. Especially since you say you have to know every detail. I am the same way. I learned this the hard way and now I know more then I should about every detail in and out of bed for my H and his lover. *Control yourself in the moment* *and pick your questions the same way you would pick your battles with a child.* She however should never ever get angry or be unwilling to share what ever you ask. I learned in counseling that that is a sign that she is not truly ready to reconcile and be accountable for the pain she caused you. In turn you will just add to what needs to be fixed.


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## SavingUS (Aug 29, 2011)

Coming from the other side I am interested in this as well. We are only 4 months out and although we have good days the bad are there as well. He is constantly going back to old phone bills and texts and asking me about them and I dont have answers (mainly because I dont remember every single text) but I feel bad but I dont know what to do when he starts into the old phone calls and texts. I cant give him the answers he wants and dont know what to do.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

I'm only two months away from the first D-Day and only three weeks out from the second D-Day. Right now the pain is almost too much to bear. And the worst part about it is that it is driving us even further apart. I really wish I could just shut up about it and stop trying to control her because I can't.

I guess I've come to the conclusion that my wife will never really understand my pain or why I can't let it go. She doesn't SAY this but I feel it and I have no way of knowing if it's just me. I'll have to suffer through it for a LONG time without any real understanding from her because she can never really feel what I do. That is depressing.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

SeekingSerenity said:


> I would love to hear others thoughts as well, granted I am only 3 weeks out, but I don't thimk I could take months upon months of this.


Me too, and I filed for divorce, but we have children and I am still going to have to deal with him... I cannot stand to be his angry all the time, but I have no idea not to... he has shown no real remorse at all to me.


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