# I just dont understand



## fordgrl21 (Jun 21, 2010)

My boyfriend and I have been together for six almost seven years now with one short break up two years ago, and we have a 1yr old son together. These past couple of months we have been really rocky..fighting constantly about money, arguing all the time about the stupidest things, and things just aren't the same anymore. When I found out I was pregnant we were not officially together at the time. We decided to move back in with each other and have the baby and make things work, I was happy with the choice that we made and he was to so I thought. It just seems now that he felt obligated to be with me because of the pregnancy. He was hardly ever there the first 6-7 months, he was always out partying with his friends, coming home at odd hours of the night, sometimes not coming home at all. After the baby was born things became normal again I was happy, felt loved, and appreciated. 

Then things got sour again about 2 months ago. I dont know what it is but we just cant seem to understand each other when one of us trys to talk or express our feeling. Examples the way he talks to me is like im just a girl that lives with him taking care of our child, or telling me that because im his girlfriend he's aloud to be rude to me, but he says hes just joking around and I need to stop being so sensitive. And im always mean to him so he says. I will admit i am mean to him to an extent...I am a very stubborn woman and treats someone how they treat me. I take care of my son, plus work a part time job and go to school full time at night. He also busts his butt working and taking care of our son now that im going to school, and I appreciate everything that he does for us. He pays the mortgage, and utilities, plus his bills. I understand he has a lot on his plate but for him to act the way he does towards me I don't thing its ok one bit. And yet wheres the appreciation for me and what im trying to do for our family? Our family aspect of everything is good its just the relationship part that isn't and it seems that were going separate ways. I don't want to do that and I have always told him that no matter what i will do everything I possibly can to make us work, i don't want my son to be with out a father as I did. 

He always makes things out to me my fault and twists the story's around. Is it me? am i in the wrong? what can I do to get us through this hard time? Any advise would help. i just don't know what to do anymore.


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## MEI (Jun 21, 2010)

First of all, NO ONE is 'allowed' to mistreat you or say they can 'be rude to you because you are their gf' That is simply unacceptable even to say jokingly. Also, you should not feel guilty that he has a lot on his plate; you two have a child together and he has just as much responsibility as you do to take care of the family so he should not use that as an excuse to make you feel bad. 

I know you say you would do anything to make it work, but sometimes, after you've tried everything you can think of, sometimes it just isn't going to work. Think of it this way, would you rather your son have a father that loves and cares for him and loves and respects you as well and is a good role model? OR would you rather stay in a relationship where there's negativity, fighting, spite, etc? It might be better to be on your own for a while until you meet someone worthy of being a good father rather than continuing to expose your son to an 'unhealthy' relationship. If I had a child, I personally would rather take my son out of that dynamic and risk being alone for a little while. And this does not mean your son will be without a father; you may meet someone wonderful one day OR if you both get help, your partner may actually end up being great to the both of you. You have to really think about what you want to get out of the relationship and what you are willing to put up with; we all have a breaking point.

Now I am not saying give up by any means. I have faced issues in my own relationship, but I am not willing to give up on it until I have explored all avenues of help. My husband and I have just started meeting with a marriage counselor to help BOTH of us see eye to eye and to understand each other. Now, we communicate well with each other to a point, but we had a lack of understanding the other person's point of view; this is where the counselor comes in handy; she helps us understand the cause of whatever it is going on between us. I admit, I was skeptical about asking for help, but it got to the point where I figured it couldn't hurt. And if all else fails, then I will at least know I tried the best I could. I don't have all the answers, and I myself am working through some issues within my relationship, but I can tell you it may be a good idea to seek outside professional help. He may not even be willing to go, but you certainly can. Counselors can help you work through some things within yourself and give you some ideas on what to do. If he IS willing to go with you, then great! It may work and it may not, but it's worth a try. None of us deserve to be unhappy.

I wish you the best and I truly hope you can find happiness, whatever that means for you and your son. I hope I helped a little


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## fordgrl21 (Jun 21, 2010)

Thank you hunt brown...what you have said makes a lot of sense and I can see sometimes how I do that. I will take everything you have said into consideration and take a step back and think things through before I react to them. Also MEI thank you for your advise as well I am really thinking about counseling for myself and hopefully him as well. I thank you both again very much!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> I am a very stubborn woman and treats someone how they treat me.


And how's that workin' for ya?


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## fairy godmother (Jun 10, 2010)

I just feel like there's underlying issues here, including stress and possibly some dishonesty or worse disloyalty (with him going out partying and then not coming home.) This situation seems very depressing to me. In my mind you should be asking yourself one of two questions: How can I make the best of it? Or, how can I get out of it? We cannot change anyone if they do not want to change for the better.... Good luck, God Bless.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

fairy godmother said:


> We cannot change anyone if they do not want to change for the better....


No, but we CAN change how WE interact with them, and give them a reason to WANT to change, to please us.


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## fordgrl21 (Jun 21, 2010)

turnera said:


> And how's that workin' for ya?


and whats that supposed to mean? you are supposed to treat people how you want to be treated and in his case he doesnt do that so I treat him how he treats me, not saying its the right thing to do, and yes i have crossed the line sometimes but were not perfect...im not here for critisism im here for positive advise.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm not criticizing you. You are here telling us that your bf treats you poorly. In the same post, you tell us that YOU treat HIM poorly. 

What sense does it make to do that, when you are complaining about how he treats you? If YOU treat him bad because HE treats _you _bad, why is HE not allowed to do the same?

It's a vicious circle, a ride you are both stuck on. 

One of you has to wise up and take the high road and get off the ride.

There's a program at marriagebuilders.com (Plan A) that emphasizes that, if you want better treatment, when your mate treats you poorly, to step back and try to figure out what he likes and doesn't like. (That's assuming you are not with an abusive or mentally unstable person.) STOP doing what he doesn't like (Love Busting him); START doing what he does like (meeting his Emotional Needs). If you make a concerted effort to do that for, say, a month, you will notice a remarkable difference in him, and you will see him start to respond back to you in kind. 

I'm proof that it works. I didn't WANT to, I didn't want to be the nice guy when he was treating me so poorly, why should I? He's the jerk! But I did it. And it worked. It turns out, he was just as miserable as I was; which resulted in BOTH of us treating each other like crap. Once I took the high road and started meeting his ENs and stopped LBing him, all the tension disappeared. 

Your mate deserves to be treated nicely, just as much as you do. So do it. Show him the classy lady you are, the one he was attracted to, and he will want to be the classy guy you fell for.

You can learn more about it in a book called His Needs Her Needs. You can also get the LB and EN questionnaires from their website. Both of you fill them out, and then swap. Learn what he doesn't like about you (LBs), and stop doing those things. Learn what his top 5 ENs are, and make sure it's you who is meeting those needs. If you do that, you'll have the relationship you want.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

While I don't necessarily agree with the tone taken, I do agree with turnera's point. I understand that he's treating you poorly, and that makes you want to treat him the same. But it serves no useful purpose to do that. When he treats you bad, you treat him bad, so then he continues to treat you bad, and on and on and on. It never ends. You'll be 100 years old, sitting in rockers in an old folks home, treating each other badly. 

Yes, it is hard to treat him nicely, with respect and kindness when he treats you poorly. But, it's kind of like how you teach a child to share. You lead by example. By sharing with the child, they learn that sharing is good and eventually they figure it out and begin to share on their own. It's the same thing here. You want him to treat you respectfully and with kindness, so you treat him that way. Eventually he'll pick up on it and start treating you that way. And...if he never does, then you know that he's just a selfish jerk and you leave. 

My boyfriend and I have our problems, too. And there are times when I feel as though he isn't meeting my needs and even times when I feel like he doesn't care at all about my needs. But I still treat him the way I want him to treat me, because I know it's the only way he'll come back around to meeting my needs. 

Another thing to think about is to try sitting down and talking to him about all of this, not in the middle of a fight, but when you are both calm. Explain to him how you feel, what you see in how he treats you, and get his perspective. He may tell you something you don't know, like that he's very stressed out and didn't realize he was taking it out on you, or that he felt you were treating him that way so he started treating you that way. You can't work anything out if you don't communicate. 

One last thought, something I learned after my first marriage ended, that I use with my boyfriend, is when something he says or does really sets me off and upsets or angers me, I don't just pop off and say what I think about it. I take some time to calm down (maybe not completely calm, but calmer) and I then think about a constructive way to talk to him about whatever it was. Instead of "OMG, I can't believe you just asked me if I did the laundry when you know I've been dealing with a sick kid all day! You are such a jerk!", I take the time to think and be able to come to him and say, "You know, I know you need some laundry done, but you know that Luke has been sick all day and that I've been really busy dealing with him. It really irritated me when you asked me if I did the laundry because I felt like you didn't think at all about what I've been doing today and if you could have helped me out somehow." Because I'm calm, he stays calm and we can actually resolve the situation rather than escalating it and turning something into an argument when it didn't need to be.


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## fordgrl21 (Jun 21, 2010)

turnera said:


> I'm not criticizing you. You are here telling us that your bf treats you poorly. In the same post, you tell us that YOU treat HIM poorly.
> 
> What sense does it make to do that, when you are complaining about how he treats you? If YOU treat him bad because HE treats _you _bad, why is HE not allowed to do the same?
> 
> ...


That makes a lot of sense and I can see what your saying about it, and yes you are right. We do feed off each others anger then go about to come back at one another in the same way which makes the problem a lot worse. Sorry for thinking you were criticizing, its very hard to read a person through text, you can never get there real meaning or expression. Thank you for explaining!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah, I still haven't got that humor thing down, lol.


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## fordgrl21 (Jun 21, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> While I don't necessarily agree with the tone taken, I do agree with turnera's point. I understand that he's treating you poorly, and that makes you want to treat him the same. But it serves no useful purpose to do that. When he treats you bad, you treat him bad, so then he continues to treat you bad, and on and on and on. It never ends. You'll be 100 years old, sitting in rockers in an old folks home, treating each other badly.
> 
> Yes, it is hard to treat him nicely, with respect and kindness when he treats you poorly. But, it's kind of like how you teach a child to share. You lead by example. By sharing with the child, they learn that sharing is good and eventually they figure it out and begin to share on their own. It's the same thing here. You want him to treat you respectfully and with kindness, so you treat him that way. Eventually he'll pick up on it and start treating you that way. And...if he never does, then you know that he's just a selfish jerk and you leave.
> 
> ...


yes you are very right....and thats how it is between us he does something to upset me so I do it back vice versa. All though I have talked to him about that situation numerous of times and he just doesnt get why it upsets me so much and he comes off to say he was just kidding and i need to stop taking things so seriously. But he DOESNT understand how much i have on my plate with the little one, work, and school. its tough doing all that at once and sometimes over whelming when there is no help or appreciation, but its to better not only my future but my familys as well. As sadly sometimes it is just pointless to talk to him about it cause he gets so upset because he doesnt understand, but then again we always talked about things during an argument or when we are still upset about things. I will change my ways of acting towards him and see how and if it makes a difference. thank you for your advise its very appreciated


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Another thing you need to do is sit down and discuss exactly what has to be taken care of in a given week. Men often simply don't understand the amount of time everything takes. Get a big poster and write down all the things that you do on one side, and write down what he does on the other side, in 30-minute chunks. Let him see the disparity, and then ask him to pick up some of the slack. Even 30 minutes a day can make a HUGE difference in both what gets done and in your frame of mind.

I once asked my DH to take just one thing off my plate, per my therapist's suggestion; we both worked full time and I had a young kid and did nearly all the raising. He refused! Said he could never know when he would be 'available' to wash dishes or whatever! So I fumed a few days, and finally decided that it was no skin off my nose if his clothes were never cleaned. So I just stopped washing them. A few weeks later, after he had run out of clothes, he tore into me, demanding to know why his clothes weren't getting clean. I just shrugged and said 'You wouldn't help me. I can't handle everything. So I picked something to take off my to-do list that won't affect me.' He finally got the point, and started helping. So I started washing his clothes again.


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## fordgrl21 (Jun 21, 2010)

turnera said:


> Another thing you need to do is sit down and discuss exactly what has to be taken care of in a given week. Men often simply don't understand the amount of time everything takes. Get a big poster and write down all the things that you do on one side, and write down what he does on the other side, in 30-minute chunks. Let him see the disparity, and then ask him to pick up some of the slack. Even 30 minutes a day can make a HUGE difference in both what gets done and in your frame of mind.
> 
> I once asked my DH to take just one thing off my plate, per my therapist's suggestion; we both worked full time and I had a young kid and did nearly all the raising. He refused! Said he could never know when he would be 'available' to wash dishes or whatever! So I fumed a few days, and finally decided that it was no skin off my nose if his clothes were never cleaned. So I just stopped washing them. A few weeks later, after he had run out of clothes, he tore into me, demanding to know why his clothes weren't getting clean. I just shrugged and said 'You wouldn't help me. I can't handle everything. So I picked something to take off my to-do list that won't affect me.' He finally got the point, and started helping. So I started washing his clothes again.


Thats actually funny that you said that because my friend told me to do the same thing as well. So I will have to try that and see how it works.


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