# I'm just tired...



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

There's just no relief is there? I stay, it's always there. I leave, it's still there and I have the stress of the divorce and being on my own with two kids. MIL will make sure it's ugly. Why would a ONS be worth this hell? I just can't seem to figure out a way to forgive that incredible cruel act. We'd been together for over a decade... Then lie to me about it for another decade... I'm just tired! There seems to be no escape...


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

There is no escape for you on this. Deal with it yourself. As i did and i do. Poor BS!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> There's just no relief is there? I stay, it's always there. I leave, it's still there and I have the stress of the divorce and being on my own with two kids. MIL will make sure it's ugly. Why would a ONS be worth this hell? I just can't seem to figure out a way to forgive that incredible cruel act. We'd been together for over a decade... Then lie to me about it for another decade... I'm just tired! There seems to be no escape...


It is the lying that hurts the most, I think. It does get better slowly. It changes the marriage for all time though and that is very hard to wrap one's head around. I wish there was a way to get through this more easily, but there just isn't. I wish you peace and Hugs


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Only way to get over it...IMO....is to understand and accept. 10 years ago...that is a long time. I have not been in your position, I found out when the last time was supposedly 10 months previous. It helped me that he said he stopped pursuing and so it ended. Therefore, he wanted a good honest monogomous relationship WITH ME! And it was HIM that stopped it (by not calling her anymore). Not that that matters now for me, other things have taken over. But that is what helped me get over it. And talking about it, the issues it created, the questions it created, the answers that created more questions and so on. You need to accept it and go from there. If you cannot accept it then you need to move on to your next course of action.

P.S. This is going to sound terrible. I am only going on what I have read of your situation. It was a ONS 10 years ago. 6 months down the line it is still causing you massive problems. I am not surprised your husband is depressed. He sees his whole future disappearing in front of him for a stupid mistake he made 10 years ago. And even stupoder was to tell you! Think of where you were 10 years ago. In the last 10 years have you ever made any really stupid mistakes that could possibly affect your whole entire life? Any? And if you have never made that mistake since, how would you feel to be punished in a long drawn out process 10 years later and be in limbo, not sure if you are ever going to keep what is most dear to you or not. That is not a happy place.

I don't know if this is the case or not. I don't know if he tells you the truth or not, how much he has tried to help you through this and so on. It seems to me you both need to help each other through this. In a big way. Because you are both meeting at the latitude, but the longitude is 3 miles away from each other. Talk, talk, talk.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Remains said:


> Only way to get over it...IMO....is to understand and accept. 10 years ago...that is a long time. I have not been in your position, I found out when the last time was supposedly 10 months previous. It helped me that he said he stopped pursuing and so it ended. Therefore, he wanted a good honest monogomous relationship WITH ME! And it was HIM that stopped it (by not calling her anymore). Not that that matters now for me, other things have taken over. But that is what helped me get over it. And talking about it, the issues it created, the questions it created, the answers that created more questions and so on. You need to accept it and go from there. If you cannot accept it then you need to move on to your next course of action.
> 
> P.S. This is going to sound terrible. I am only going on what I have read of your situation. It was a ONS 10 years ago. 6 months down the line it is still causing you massive problems. I am not surprised your husband is depressed. He sees his whole future disappearing in front of him for a stupid mistake he made 10 years ago. And even stupoder was to tell you! Think of where you were 10 years ago. In the last 10 years have you ever made any really stupid mistakes that could possibly affect your whole entire life? Any? And if you have never made that mistake since, how would you feel to be punished in a long drawn out process 10 years later and be in limbo, not sure if you are ever going to keep what is most dear to you or not. That is not a happy place.
> 
> I don't know if this is the case or not. I don't know if he tells you the truth or not, how much he has tried to help you through this and so on. It seems to me you both need to help each other through this. In a big way. Because you are both meeting at the latitude, but the longitude is 3 miles away from each other. Talk, talk, talk.


It is only six months for her!; and he lied to her about this for ten friggen years. That is what the mistake is, not a ONS, but ten years of lies and omissions. She doesn't even know who this man is right now. It is going to take her just as long as it takes anyone else who finds out that they don't really know their S to get her head around this. It can't be rushed. Infidelity is not like any other " mistake". It is not just an oops, it alters the nature of the relationship beyond recognition for the betrayed spouse, and when you throw in 10 years of lying about it you have a real problem. My H lied to me for 10 months; one tenth as long as her H, and our relationship is still hanging by a thread 2 + years after d-day. I am trying, but I may never be able to get beyond his lies. You see most of us don't really want to be married to someone we can't trust to tell us what we have a right to know. If you are advocating his not telling her in the first place; I can understand why you don't understand that his dishonesty and the duration of it are the real problems in this unfortunate situation.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

oaksthorne said:


> It is only six months for her!; and he lied to her about this for ten friggen years. That is what the mistake is, not a ONS, but ten years of lies and omissions. She doesn't even know who this man is right now. It is going to take her just as long as it takes anyone else who finds out that they don't really know their S to get her head around this. It can't be rushed. Infidelity is not like any other " mistake". It is not just an oops, it alters the nature of the relationship beyond recognition for the betrayed spouse, and when you throw in 10 years of lying about it you have a real problem. My H lied to me for 10 months; one tenth as long as her H, and our relationship is still hanging by a thread 2 + years after d-day. I am trying, but I may never be able to get beyond his lies. You see most of us don't really want to be married to someone we can't trust to tell us what we have a right to know. If you are advocating his not telling her in the first place; I can understand why you don't understand that his dishonesty and the duration of it are the real problems in this unfortunate situation.


Thank you oaksthorne. You summed it up perfectly.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Have you been to the doctor *hurting*? You need to make sure you are seeing to your health. Take my advice and get a full physical done... blood work, EKG, the works. You need to take care of yourself.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Ask your doctor if you need meds to stabilize your emotions. Meds have helped quite a few people here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_
I have Ativan as needed, feel very weary about other meds. One thing I have zero self confidence right now and I know I'll gain weight on that stuff. Once I tried something and I didn't sleep for weeks. I'm just scared of those meds.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I know it sucks, but you're at that six month mark. At six months, I was STILL a mess. It wasn't until the eighth month that my emotions started to stabilize a little. If only we had that little remote control that makes time go by faster.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

The anxiety is what is killing me. I still shake.


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## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

I agree, I'm tired too. It's been almost 9 months since my husband's PA/EA. It was brief, but it happened. I will have to say it's some better than is was 6 months ago, but I still haven't healed. I'm sick and tired of nightmares and not sleeping a full night. I'm sick of it always lingering in the backround. Fortunately, my husband has been the model husband since this happened, He hasn't wavered one bit since I found out a decided to let him stay and work on this marriage. I know, I'm the only person that can truly help myself. I'm trying. I'm really trying.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Oaksthorne, I completely agree, I was just trying to put a different spin on it, one from his side. He is very depressed and that will not be helping Hurting. She needs him to be strong to help her get through...he is not. As for 10 years of lies and omissions etc yes it is, but if that was an unrepeated action of his then yes it was a very very STUPID mistake. A mistake is an action that you learn from. If that was a one time occasion 10yrs ago, then he obviously learnt from it. He did not repeat. 

I didn't want to take away from any of your pain hurting, just offering another perspective. All we want is for the right outcome whatever that may be, and when your hubby is not being strong, and turning inwards instead of outwardly helping you, that is so very very unhelpful for you.

And I completely agree with Lord Mayhem. I was a lot less emotional after about 8 months, I was getting over the shock and devastation, and the intense feelings, inward looking, feeling sorry for myself, began to turn and although it still hurt a lot, it changed to a more practical 'right, what to do now, will I ever get over this, I need to start doing things for me and getting my life together' attitude. Still not there yet, bit a whole lot better than at the 6month point.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Remains said:


> Oaksthorne, I completely agree, I was just trying to put a different spin on it, one from his side. He is very depressed and that will not be helping Hurting. She needs him to be strong to help her get through...he is not. As for 10 years of lies and omissions etc yes it is, but if that was an unrepeated action of his then yes it was a very very STUPID mistake. A mistake is an action that you learn from. If that was a one time occasion 10yrs ago, then he obviously learnt from it. He did not repeat.
> 
> I didn't want to take away from any of your pain hurting, just offering another perspective. All we want is for the right outcome whatever that may be, and when your hubby is not being strong, and turning inwards instead of outwardly helping you, that is so very very unhelpful for you.
> 
> And I completely agree with Lord Mayhem. I was a lot less emotional after about 8 months, I was getting over the shock and devastation, and the intense feelings, inward looking, feeling sorry for myself, began to turn and although it still hurt a lot, it changed to a more practical 'right, what to do now, will I ever get over this, I need to start doing things for me and getting my life together' attitude. Still not there yet, bit a whole lot better than at the 6month point.


I hope you're right Remains and that he did not repeat. I do know he got too close to his coworker, though and that makes me wonder... 

He is not strong right now and has turned this around on himself with MIL helping push the way. I told him yesterday I needed support that I didn't feel he was really giving.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> The anxiety is what is killing me. I still shake.


Are you eating right and exercising? Doing both, daily, helps with the stress and anxiety. Remember that stress actually builds up toxins in the body that, if not processed and released through exercise, can exacerbate your anxiety and lead to health problems. 

You need to look after yourself and quit moping.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Are you eating right and exercising? Doing both, daily, helps with the stress and anxiety. Remember that stress actually builds up toxins in the body that, if not processed and released through exercise, can exacerbate your anxiety and lead to health problems.
> 
> You need to look after yourself and quit moping.


Yes, I run. Matter of fact I'm about to go out and run four miles. I almost think it makes me more full of anxiety. I think more when I'm out there and I usually come home upset. I dunno. I'm trying to keep up the exercise.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Are you eating right and exercising? Doing both, daily, helps with the stress and anxiety. Remember that stress actually builds up toxins in the body that, if not processed and released through exercise, can exacerbate your anxiety and lead to health problems.
> 
> You need to look after yourself and quit moping.


It's SO MUCH easier said than done...but Bandit.45 is truly right. I got the shakes and cold chills last night thinking of it all and I realized I was so stressed during the day (and hungover - concert) that I didn't make myself go and exercise. If I had of exercised the toxins wouldn't have been there. Urgh-a vicious cycle! Look after yourself.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> Yes, I run. Matter of fact I'm about to go out and run four miles. I almost think it makes me more full of anxiety. I think more when I'm out there and I usually come home upset. I dunno. I'm trying to keep up the exercise.


Well we replied at the same time...four miles :0 yay! and YES I come home from my runs and I found I was thinking and dwelling...now the music is blasted even if they say it's more dangerous.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Ingalls said:


> Well we replied at the same time...four miles :0 yay! and YES I come home from my runs and I found I was thinking and dwelling...now the music is blasted even if they say it's more dangerous.


I do turn up my music loud now, too. Totally not safe. Oh, well. I ran a full marathon with my WS a little over a year ago. It was this great bonding experience for us. He had run long distances before and totally helped me get through it. Now the specialness of it is gone cause he was keeping secrets from me during that time. I often think maybe I'll try to run another one on my own without him to gain that accomplishment back, but there is no motivation. I have to force myself out that door. I'm signed up for a 10K and that's really the only thing making me get out there.


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