# Cuddling with Step Children/boys



## Tommy518

I have a question about kids, or specifically step kids and cuddling.

I'm engaged to and living with my fiance who has half custody of her two children. We live together and her kids live with us half the time. The kids are a 13 year old girl and 11 year old boy and we all get along great. We've all been together for 5 years and the kids love me. There is a problem that recurs now and then that I'm not sure what to do about and looking for advice.

My fiance's daughter is very affectionate and very touchy feely. She loves to cuddle with both of us and is very open about her affection. Her son also likes to cuddle with his mother a lot. I grew up in a family of non-cuddlers and have a fairly large personal bubble. My fiancé is like that too with other people, but not her kids or me. She cuddles with them often and with me a fair amount. 

The problem comes with the fact that her daughter is very assertive about cuddling and, while I try to sit in separate chairs when they’re around so it doesn’t come up, we have a large sectional in our TV area that makes it hard to avoid. I don’t want to be rude about pushing her away or getting up, so I will allow it for a bit and then move when I can. Her son sees us cuddling and feels left out because I don’t cuddle with him. I don’t feel at all comfortable cuddling with an 11 year old boy who’s not my son and never even cuddled with my own son. It just feels wrong to me. I also think he’s getting too old to cuddle with his mother so much. She thinks this is normal and that I should be okay cuddling with him. That he’s a child and the fact that he’s a boy shouldn’t matter. The whole thing just feels awkward to me.

Is it acceptable for a (future) stepfather to cuddle with his step children? Isn’t it unusual for an 11 year old boy to want to cuddle with a grown man, stepfather or father? Should their mother be encouraging it?

I tried to do some searches about this subject and there's little out there about it, so I would appreciate any opinions. 

Thanks


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## As'laDain

i don't get it. why is the 13 year old girl not too old to cuddle but the 11 year old boy is?


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## Rhubarb

As'laDain said:


> i don't get it. why is the 13 year old girl not too old to cuddle but the 11 year old boy is?


Because guys when they get older don't ever cuddle with guys (unless perhaps they are gay), so there is some cut off age. My step daughter is 22 and on occasion when we are on the tram she will put her head on my shoulder. Even that feels a bit odd to me but I suppose it's good she looks at me as her father, since her father is out of the picture. Also it's not uncommon for teen girls to hold hands. Guys don't do that.


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## arbitrator

*Some people are just cuddlers and some are not!

You need to make this fact more than clear to your wife! That you'll be most appreciative to cuddle with her as your wife, but not with children who are fastly approaching physical maturity!

And that's strictly so she can try to convey your wishes on to them!*


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## Openminded

I'm a female and I think it's weird.


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## BobSimmons

Rhubarb said:


> Because guys when they get older don't ever cuddle with guys (unless perhaps they are gay), so there is some cut off age. My step daughter is 22 and on occasion when we are on the tram she will put her head on my shoulder. Even that feels a bit odd to me but I suppose it's good she looks at me as her father, since her father is out of the picture. Also it's not uncommon for teen girls to hold hands. Guys don't do that.


Hahaha and they say the middle east has some archaic views! I guess men don't kiss men on the cheek when they greet each other huh?

So this poor lad if he cuddles with someone he trusts and feels absolutely protected by after a certain age is either gay or effeminate?

Sheesh


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## Bobby5000

13 years old is a little old to be cuddling with a stepparent. I think you are entitled not to do that and can perhaps talk to her and tell her that.


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## BobSimmons

Tommy518 said:


> I have a question about kids, or specifically step kids and cuddling.
> 
> I'm engaged to and living with my fiance who has half custody of her two children. We live together and her kids live with us half the time. The kids are a 13 year old girl and 11 year old boy and we all get along great. We've all been together for 5 years and the kids love me. There is a problem that recurs now and then that I'm not sure what to do about and looking for advice.
> 
> My fiance's daughter is very affectionate and very touchy feely. She loves to cuddle with both of us and is very open about her affection. Her son also likes to cuddle with his mother a lot. I grew up in a family of non-cuddlers and have a fairly large personal bubble. My fiancé is like that too with other people, but not her kids or me. She cuddles with them often and with me a fair amount.
> 
> The problem comes with the fact that her daughter is very assertive about cuddling and, while I try to sit in separate chairs when they’re around so it doesn’t come up, we have a large sectional in our TV area that makes it hard to avoid. I don’t want to be rude about pushing her away or getting up, so I will allow it for a bit and then move when I can. Her son sees us cuddling and feels left out because I don’t cuddle with him. I don’t feel at all comfortable cuddling with an 11 year old boy who’s not my son and never even cuddled with my own son. It just feels wrong to me. I also think he’s getting too old to cuddle with his mother so much. She thinks this is normal and that I should be okay cuddling with him. That he’s a child and the fact that he’s a boy shouldn’t matter. The whole thing just feels awkward to me.
> 
> Is it acceptable for a (future) stepfather to cuddle with his step children? Isn’t it unusual for an 11 year old boy to want to cuddle with a grown man, stepfather or father? Should their mother be encouraging it?
> 
> I tried to do some searches about this subject and there's little out there about it, so I would appreciate any opinions.
> 
> Thanks


Wow, this truly has to be first world problems.

If he was doing bad in school, yes that's a problem

If he was doing drugs, cutting himself, if she was cursing out her mom and you, fine that's a problem

Instead two young people, who've accepted you into their life and feel secure and loved enough to want to cuddle..

I'm sorry when exactly did cuddling become weird or gay or not manly enough

As the patriarch of the household that they view you absolutely as the man they look up to should be a plus.

You've obviously got an issue with it, but that's you. If you don't like it fine, tell them to stop but dont make it about them being weird or strange.


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## Rhubarb

BobSimmons said:


> Hahaha and they say the middle east has some archaic views! I guess men don't kiss men on the cheek when they greet each other huh?
> 
> So this poor lad if he cuddles with someone he trusts and feels absolutely protected by after a certain age is either gay or effeminate?
> 
> Sheesh


I know all about the middle east. In fact I thought of mentioning it, but I figured it wasn't relevant for this discussion. But OK granted. Also I realize a kiss on cheek is done in many cultures, even where I live. Granted on that too. However snuggling up against another guy for some extended period of time probably isn't going to be accepted in most cultures, and holding hands won't be either in western cultures or at least people will assume you are gay. I'm trying to say something relevant to the question, not cover every culture around the world.


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## As'laDain

Rhubarb said:


> Because guys when they get older don't ever cuddle with guys (unless perhaps they are gay), so there is some cut off age. My step daughter is 22 and on occasion when we are on the tram she will put her head on my shoulder. Even that feels a bit odd to me but I suppose it's good she looks at me as her father, since her father is out of the picture. Also it's not uncommon for teen girls to hold hands. Guys don't do that.


i guess one just doesn't seem more odd to me than the other. the opposite bias occurs in half the world.


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## SunCMars

BobSimmons said:


> Wow, this truly has to be first world problems.
> 
> If he was doing bad in school, yes that's a problem
> 
> If he was doing drugs, cutting himself, if she was cursing out her mom and you, fine that's a problem
> 
> Instead two young people, who've accepted you into their life and feel secure and loved enough to want to cuddle..
> 
> I'm sorry when exactly did cuddling become weird or gay or not manly enough
> 
> As the patriarch of the household that they view you absolutely as the man they look up to should be a plus.
> 
> You've obviously got an issue with it, but that's you. If you don't like it fine, tell them to stop but dont make it about them being weird or strange.


I gave this post a 'like'.

Hopefully, this is the case.

"Likely", is the case, in this case.

Some children are sweet, some people are sweet. Sweet is good.

The World will surely "sour" them up, only too soon.


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## Primrose

What is your definition of cuddling here? 

I, too, have an 11 (nearly 12) year old son who happens be incredibly sensitive and intuitive. He isn't rough and tumble like most kids his age. He talks about his feelings and isn't afraid to cry. He loves to be close to me. He loves sitting right next to me and watching movies together. Is that what your step son likes? Or are you talking about laying around in an embrace? I do hug my son and kiss his forehead daily, and he also doesn't shy away from kissing my cheek when we part ways, but I cannot recall the last time he asked me to hold him. 

If you asked him what cuddling is, he'd probably say "sitting real close to each other on the couch", whereas someone else would say, "being embraced by the other person". 

I cannot say what an appropriate age cut off would be, but I can say that you should never continue to do something you are not comfortable with. I strive to teach my children to be the same. They never have to hug anyone they do not feel comfortable with (even a relative). So it would be counterproductive of myself if I did something I was not comfortable with.


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## As'laDain

Primrose said:


> What is your definition of cuddling here?
> 
> I, too, have an 11 (nearly 12) year old son who happens be incredibly sensitive and intuitive. He isn't rough and tumble like most kids his age. He talks about his feelings and isn't afraid to cry. He loves to be close to me. He loves sitting right next to me and watching movies together. Is that what your step son likes? Or are you talking about laying around in an embrace? I do hug my son and kiss his forehead daily, and he also doesn't shy away from kissing my cheek when we part ways, but I cannot recall the last time he asked me to hold him.
> 
> If you asked him what cuddling is, he'd probably say "sitting real close to each other on the couch", whereas someone else would say, "being embraced by the other person".
> 
> *I cannot say what an appropriate age cut off would be, but I can say that you should never continue to do something you are not comfortable with. I strive to teach my children to be the same. They never have to hug anyone they do not feel comfortable with (even a relative). So it would be counterproductive of myself if I did something I was not comfortable with.*


now THAT makes sense to me. i still dont understand the difference in age in relation to the sexes though, unless we are talking about step parents and issues that might arise from puberty. which is not the case here. 

just a cultural thing?


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## arbitrator

*On the other hand, if memory serves me right, my sons and I were cuddlers up until they were about 11-12.

But after seeing the grief of those parents at the recent Florida school shootings, I wanted to hug all of those precious kids and would never shun a kid needing a hug or a cuddle with me!*


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## Tommy518

For what it's worth, I don't really have problem with her cuddling with her kids. I do think it can stifle a boy's emotional development if he's still cuddling with mom and his teddy bear at 12 or 13 years old, but that's just me. They're her kids and they still have their own dad, so that's up to them. I just personally don't feel comfortable cuddling with a little boy. I didn't do that with my own son, or daughter for that matter, and I feel even stranger doing it with him. My fiance thinks that's abnormal that I feel that way and is why I posted this. I agree it's a first-world problem and not serious, in the scale of things.


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## As'laDain

Tommy518 said:


> For what it's worth, I don't really have problem with her cuddling with her kids. I do think it can stifle a boy's emotional development if he's still cuddling with mom and his teddy bear at 12 or 13 years old, but that's just me. They're her kids and they still have their own dad, so that's up to them. I just personally don't feel comfortable cuddling with a little boy. I didn't do that with my own son, or daughter for that matter, and I feel even stranger doing it with him. My fiance thinks that's abnormal that I feel that way and is why I posted this. I agree it's a first-world problem and not serious, in the scale of things.


if you dont feel comfortable doing it, then don't. nothing wrong with having boundaries. your wife can think whatever she wants. she does not get to dictate how you feel about it.


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## Openminded

No, it's not abnormal. You feel how you feel.


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## Keke24

Tommy518 said:


> I have a question about kids, or specifically step kids and cuddling.
> 
> I'm engaged to and living with my fiance who has half custody of her two children. We live together and her kids live with us half the time. The kids are a 13 year old girl and 11 year old boy and we all get along great. We've all been together for 5 years and the kids love me. There is a problem that recurs now and then that I'm not sure what to do about and looking for advice.
> 
> My fiance's daughter is very affectionate and very touchy feely. She loves to cuddle with both of us and is very open about her affection. Her son also likes to cuddle with his mother a lot. I grew up in a family of non-cuddlers and have a fairly large personal bubble. My fiancé is like that too with other people, but not her kids or me. She cuddles with them often and with me a fair amount.
> 
> The problem comes with the fact that her daughter is very assertive about cuddling and, while I try to sit in separate chairs when they’re around so it doesn’t come up, we have a large sectional in our TV area that makes it hard to avoid. I don’t want to be rude about pushing her away or getting up, so I will allow it for a bit and then move when I can. Her son sees us cuddling and feels left out because I don’t cuddle with him. I don’t feel at all comfortable cuddling with an 11 year old boy who’s not my son and never even cuddled with my own son. It just feels wrong to me. I also think he’s getting too old to cuddle with his mother so much. She thinks this is normal and that I should be okay cuddling with him. That he’s a child and the fact that he’s a boy shouldn’t matter. The whole thing just feels awkward to me.
> 
> Is it acceptable for a (future) stepfather to cuddle with his step children? Isn’t it unusual for an 11 year old boy to want to cuddle with a grown man, stepfather or father? Should their mother be encouraging it?
> 
> I tried to do some searches about this subject and there's little out there about it, so I would appreciate any opinions.
> 
> Thanks


It seems only fair that you're not required to do things that you're not comfortable with OP. I notice that you had a previous thread about this very issue at the time when he was 9-yrs old. So since this is still an issue 2 years later, what are you going to do differently this time to deal with it? Doesn't seem the past approach is working at all.

Your threads indicate that he has a behavioral issue while the daughter is also a bit touchie feelie. Any likelihood the kids' are suffering emotionally from issues with their parents and the divorce? EleGirl queried in the last thread whether they were getting counseling, are they/have they received counseling?

You can't expect your stepson/daughter to stop being this way by simply rejecting them. At this stage, isn't that just going to have the opposite effect? Have you tried to sit down and talk with the son specifically and explain how you feel and why? Ask him what's driving his need to cuddle, whether the two of you can do other things to meet that need etc.? Talking to him directly seems a much better way to address the situation and avoid exacerbating his problem rather than trying to avoid him and his sister. 

"The problem comes with the fact that her daughter is very assertive about cuddling and, while I try to sit in separate chairs when they’re around so it doesn’t come up, we have a large sectional in our TV area that makes it hard to avoid. I don’t want to be rude about pushing her away or getting up, so I will allow it for a bit and then move when I can."

The above comes across as quite a passive aggressive way to address the situation.


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## Primrose

As'laDain said:


> now THAT makes sense to me. i still dont understand the difference in age in relation to the sexes though, unless we are talking about step parents and issues that might arise from puberty. which is not the case here.
> 
> just a cultural thing?


For me, I see no difference in cuddling my son or my daughter at any given age. I just follow their cues. I'm not much of a cuddler myself, so when my daughter (8) asks me to, some times I'd rather be doing otherwise. She is the embracing kind of cuddler, though. I have to find a moderate line between expressing my lack of desire to cuddle in a way that won't hurt her feelings, with a child's natural need to feel their parents' physical touch. For me hugging my kids and giving them a kiss (on their forehead) is enough. For my son, it is as well. For my older daughter (I have a toddler girl as well) it's not always enough.


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## Tommy518

Keke24 said:


> It seems only fair that you're not required to do things that you're not comfortable with OP. I notice that you had a previous thread about this very issue at the time when he was 9-yrs old. So since this is still an issue 2 years later, what are you going to do differently this time to deal with it? Doesn't seem the past approach is working at all.
> 
> Your threads indicate that he has a behavioral issue while the daughter is also a bit touchie feelie. Any likelihood the kids' are suffering emotionally from issues with their parents and the divorce? EleGirl queried in the last thread whether they were getting counseling, are they/have they received counseling?
> 
> You can't expect your stepson/daughter to stop being this way by simply rejecting them. At this stage, isn't that just going to have the opposite effect? Have you tried to sit down and talk with the son specifically and explain how you feel and why? Ask him what's driving his need to cuddle, whether the two of you can do other things to meet that need etc.? Talking to him directly seems a much better way to address the situation and avoid exacerbating his problem rather than trying to avoid him and his sister.
> 
> "The problem comes with the fact that her daughter is very assertive about cuddling and, while I try to sit in separate chairs when they’re around so it doesn’t come up, we have a large sectional in our TV area that makes it hard to avoid. I don’t want to be rude about pushing her away or getting up, so I will allow it for a bit and then move when I can."
> 
> The above comes across as quite a passive aggressive way to address the situation.


I understand that avoidance may not necessarily be the best way to deal with this and yes, there are certainly still issues around the divorce for both kids related to the situation at their father's house and his new wife and her children. To the degree, in fact, that he has arranged their custody schedules so that her kids and his kids are never together at his house, even though he and his wife both have 50% custody of their respective children. Like most blended family issues, it is multifaceted and complicated. 

I have mentioned to both kids that my family growing up didn't cuddle and I didn't really do it with my own kids, so I'm not comfortable with it now and I do try to lighten it up by joking about my personal bubble. I haven't had a sit down to talk about it because I just didn't think he was mature enough to understand, but maybe now he is. I'll certainly give it some thought next time it comes up. They're both very sensitive to anything that might be seen as criticism, but they're also very smart. 

They're both really good kids and the behavioral issues have settled down. In every other way, we get along great. This is just one of those little family sores that opens up once in a while and can create conflict between me and my fiance. It's not major in the scale of things, but something that I feel a little lost about when it happens and getting some outside perspective always helps. Thank you for your insight.


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## Pantone429c

My stepdaughter is in her mid 30’s and sometimes sit on my lap give me a hug, kiss on the cheek. I made the mistake of being more affectionate with her when she was little and not much with her Brother her was only 2 yrs older. As a result my relationship is not as close with him. 

Today’s society has twisted the parent child relationship , children need too be held , and hugged kissed, back rubs, hair stroked. I don’t see a problem......I think it would help me understand you if you were to describe the cuddeling .......
For instance spooning might be a bit much, but maybe not under some circumstances 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## NobodySpecial

Rhubarb said:


> Because guys when they get older don't ever cuddle with guys (unless perhaps they are gay), so there is some cut off age.


Sigh. Poor kids can't get affection from their parental figures because of gay fear.


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## Rhubarb

NobodySpecial said:


> Sigh. Poor kids can't get affection from their parental figures because of gay fear.


Well let's put it this way......... Take a 20 year old guy. I assume you would think it's odd for him to "cuddle" with his father. Now work backwards from there and give me an age where you don't think it's odd. That's your cut off age.


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## NobodySpecial

Rhubarb said:


> Well let's put it this way......... Take a 20 year old guy. I assume you would think it's odd for him to "cuddle" with his father.


Why would you assume that?


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## Edo Edo

Your problem will likely solve itself soon enough. If they are 11 and 13 and look to you as a father figure, chances are that they will be giving you dirty looks and cursing you out before you know it. Enjoy the good natured affection now, because it won't last. And you won't see a scrap of it again until their 20s, if at all. Teenagers are jerks...


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## twoofus

I think it is a sad reflection on the modern age when we get stressed about cuddling our children, fearing as if we might be seen as a predatory sexual deviant. If a child likes to cuddle you it is because he/she trusts you. It has nothing to do with inappropriate sexual behaviour. Most people find a hug is comforting, a cuddle need not be more than a prolonged hug.


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## Rhubarb

NobodySpecial said:


> Why would you assume that?


Well then let me tell you straight out then. It's odd to almost the entire world, for grown heterosexual men to cuddle. I'm not talking a hug when they meet, a kiss on the cheek, the team huddle or stuff like that. I'm talking about sitting on the sofa cuddling. Perhaps you don't find that odd but to most people it is.


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## jlg07

Honestly I think it's pretty amazing that they have accepted you to the point that they want to cuddle with you. Some folks, esp. kids, just need that physical touch. I think you are worried about the sexual side of this too much -- I don't think these kids are viewing this in that frame at all, and neither is your SO. Now, if your stepdaugter is 17, wearing a string bikini and wiggling on you, then I understand it. These are just little kids that need adult touch. I understand that you don't feel comfortable, but you should try to understand WHY you feel that way. From what I see, these kids just need some adult touch and love -- the are probably very insecure with the divorce issues.


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## NobodySpecial

Rhubarb said:


> Well then let me tell you straight out then. It's odd to almost the entire world, for grown heterosexual men to cuddle. I'm not talking a hug when they meet, a kiss on the cheek, the team huddle or stuff like that. I'm talking about sitting on the sofa cuddling. Perhaps you don't find that odd but to most people it is.


It shouldn't be between a parent and a child. I don't know about the rest of the world. There are a lot of cultures that I know nothing about. But in the USA is i certainly odd. I think that is too bad.


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## GusPolinski

Don’t think I’d be cuddling with either of them.


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## EleGirl

Tommy518 said:


> For what it's worth, I don't really have problem with her cuddling with her kids. I do think it can stifle a boy's emotional development if he's still cuddling with mom and his teddy bear at 12 or 13 years old, but that's just me. They're her kids and they still have their own dad, so that's up to them. I just personally don't feel comfortable cuddling with a little boy. I didn't do that with my own son, or daughter for that matter, and I feel even stranger doing it with him. My fiance thinks that's abnormal that I feel that way and is why I posted this. I agree it's a first-world problem and not serious, in the scale of things.


I think that your point of view is important here.

You say that you are not comfortable with cuddling with a boy because of basically the sexual connotation that can be associated with it.

But you think it's ok for a man to cuddle with a young girl because men and women cuddle. 

Basically you are judging this whole thing from a sexual perspective. Because of this, I don't think you should be cuddling with either of these children. You are not their father. You are their mother's boyfriend. And even if you were married to her, as a step parent, you are still not their father.


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## frusdil

I'm stepmum to my husbands daughter, we have her full time. She's 13 now so delightful and revolting in equal measure hehehe. Ah teens.

She's ASD so not keen on being touched in general, so it's very rare for her to initiate (or respond positively) to a hug/cuddle. The closest we get to that is when she lies on the couch with her head in our lap playing on her phone, lol.

If you're not comfortable with it, you shouldn't do it nor be made to feel "weird" for not doing it.


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## StarFires

BobSimmons said:


> Wow, this truly has to be first world problems.
> 
> If he was doing bad in school, yes that's a problem
> 
> If he was doing drugs, cutting himself, if she was cursing out her mom and you, fine that's a problem
> 
> Instead two young people, who've accepted you into their life and feel secure and loved enough to want to cuddle..
> 
> I'm sorry when exactly did cuddling become weird or gay or not manly enough
> 
> As the patriarch of the household that they view you absolutely as the man they look up to should be a plus.
> 
> You've obviously got an issue with it, but that's you. If you don't like it fine, tell them to stop but dont make it about them being weird or strange.


That deserved to be repeated. That you, BobSimmons.


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