# Insecure by [email protected]?



## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

Tonight we had a good time, he stood behind me. My skirt was around my waist but then my bf pulled it down, covering my bum. 
This suddenly made me so insecure, I feld like he didn't like to see it and I got turned of at once and stopped it all. 

His explanation is he liked to see me with the skirt on and it was kinky with clothes on. We do it a lot partially clothed, so I don't see the kinky in that. He just though the skirt was coming of soon, so wanted to see it that way.
I have trouble accepting this and feel humiliated, I mean, normally a guy would love to see @ss???


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Not sure I follow. Could you maybe draw a diagram?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Some men are turned on by partial nudity, hence, the whole sexy lingerie industry.

Do you have any reason not to believe your husband when he says it was kinky for him with the clothes on? If not, then believe him when he says it was a kinky turn on for him. Guys aren't that complicated as far as their sexual turn-ons go - he'd have no reason to lie.

Think of a quickie where you barely take off any clothes in haste to get to the good part...it has nothing to do with not wanting to see body parts and everything to do with what driving the erotic thoughts in your minds.

Don't let insecurity ruin your sex life!


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

Lol, he pulled it from my waist back over my [email protected] while having fun.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

catfan said:


> Lol, he pulled it from my waist back over my [email protected] while having fun.


Mm, no... Still not seeing it. Maybe post a pic? Then I can make a more informed opinion. 



Just kidding. 


Stop just stop. Your man loves your ass and everything about you. Some guys get turned on by partially clothed sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Mm, no... Still not seeing it. Maybe post a pic? Then I can make a more informed opinion.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


:iagree: :iagree:


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I think Norajane has a pretty good point. Could just be a visual kink. I tried to put myself in your SO's place and it seems like a pretty hot turn on.

I love having my wife naked but having full on intercourse with a beautifully wrapped "package" has great allure as well.

It is quite hot to take a woman dressed to the nines looking like she is ready for a night on the town.

Come to think of it, I just might have to give this a spin with Mrs. Conan.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You taking a loving situation and turning it into drama. This kind of thing will just drive him away.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You taking a loving situation and turning it into drama. This kind of thing will just drive him away.


I love when a woman wears full combo pantyhose. Then it's fun to shred them to get to her yummy bits.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> You taking a loving situation and turning it into drama. This kind of thing will just drive him away.


Agreed.

Catfan, I'm a great fan of partially-clothed sex. It's pretty common. Please don't turn this into something it's not.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

He covered the yummy bits, so I think he doesn't find them that yummy.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

catfan said:


> He covered the yummy bits, so I think he doesn't find them that yummy.


O god. You're going to belabor this aren't you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

*Re: Re: Insecure by [email protected]?*



EleGirl said:


> You taking a loving situation and turning it into drama. This kind of thing will just drive him away.


Didn't he change a loving situation to a unloving one by rejecting to see my behind? I like partially dressed sex too, but he just covered it without use. It was already halfway over it, he just covered it completely.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

It was more like him having his t-shirt half up his chest and me tugging it neatly back in during sex...


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

skirts......good lord, skirts.

I get where your husband is coming from. Don't worry about it.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Did you at least tell him that it bothered you and why?

I'm guessing this is a rhetorical question.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

*Re: Re: Insecure by [email protected]?*



GTdad said:


> Did you at least tell him that it bothered you and why?
> 
> I'm guessing this is a rhetorical question.


I walked away, after saying I was turned of. Got dressed and left for the supermarket, leaving him nude on the bed. I was really upset and I guess so was he. Layer we talked about it, but it still bothers me as I have low self esteem and now don't want him to see my behind anymore.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

When he covers your face ... really worry.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

catfan said:


> Didn't he change a loving situation to a unloving one by rejecting to see my behind? I like partially dressed sex too, but he just covered it without use. It was already halfway over it, he just covered it completely.


No he did not change a loving situation to an unloving one.

He was enjoying the entire experience. Why are you trying to control how he goes about enjoying your intimate time together?

What do you mean that he "covered it without use"?

You are working very hard to ruin things. Why is that?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

catfan said:


> I walked away, after saying I was turned of. Got dressed and left for the supermarket, leaving him nude on the bed. I was really upset and I guess so was he. Layer we talked about it, but it still bothers me as I have low self esteem and now don't want him to see my behind anymore.


From what you have said, he is a very nice man who loves you very much (I'm remembering the collage he made you for your birthday). You seem to have enough trust in him to share your feelings with him, and he with you. Also very good.

It's great you recognize that you have low self-esteem. A lot of us women do. But we can cure that. We can learn to love ourselves.

From what I have seen in men, they are usually with women who, at the very least, physically appeal to them. I am sure your SO loves your body, catfan. I doubt he is repelled by any part of it.

I have body parts I have felt uncomfortable with for ages. They are exactly the parts my husband adores. I don't understand it, but I now just accept it. 

Please keep sharing your feelings with your SO, catfan, as openly and honestly as possible. And please try to hear his, too.

What do you think about apologizing to him about this incident? Telling him that you think you might be letting your own insecurity inhibit your mutual enjoyment of sex? I am sure he will try to affirm his pleasure at seeing your body; how about thanking him for that?

And how about really believing that all of your body, as seen through his eyes, is beautiful?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

catfan said:


> I walked away, after saying I was turned of. Got dressed and left for the supermarket, leaving him nude on the bed. I was really upset and I guess so was he. Layer we talked about it, but it still bothers me as I have low self esteem and now don't want him to see my behind anymore.


What you did by reacting that way is to create insecurity in him. If this sort of thing happens very often (your reaction) he's going to get to feel very insecure in being intimate with you. He's going to feel that you want to control his every move in love making or you will react badly to what he does. A smart person will completely withdraw from a situation like this. Why would any one what to be intimate with a person who can turn on a dime over something so small?

If your husband playing with your skirt and putting down during love making is the worst problem of your sex life you are truly a blessed woman. 

You have low self esteem. It might be a good idea for you to get some IC to explore ways of getting over this.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If I ask my wife to keep her stockings on does that mean I don't like her legs?


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> When he covers your face ... really worry.


:rofl:


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> If I ask my wife to keep her stockings on does that mean I don't like her legs?


Maybe you don't like her feet?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> What you did by reacting that way is to create insecurity in him. If this sort of thing happens very often (your reaction) he's going to get to feel very insecure in being intimate with you. He's going to feel that you want to control his every move in love making or you will react badly to what he does. A smart person will completely withdraw from a situation like this. Why would any one what to be intimate with a person who can turn on a dime over something so small?
> 
> If your husband playing with your skirt and putting down during love making is the worst problem of your sex life you are truly a blessed woman.
> 
> You have low self esteem. It might be a good idea for you to get some IC to explore ways of getting over this.


I think that IC idea is great.

I've had a lot of body image insecurities. I think a lot of women do. Dh just kept telling me and showing me how much he loved xyz. And you know, 21 years later, I finally believe him. 

Catfan, don't let it take 21 years, okay? Believe your body is beautiful to your SO. I am sure he believes it is. 

Advertising messes with our minds. It is just one measure of beauty. Every man has his own.

If your man is with you, then to him your body is lovely. Please accept this gift. Please do not reject it. I really do think this man loves you.

Please tell him you are sorry about earlier. Please ask if you can have a redo.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

catfan said:


> I walked away, after saying I was turned of. Got dressed and left for the supermarket, leaving him nude on the bed. I was really upset and I guess so was he. Layer we talked about it, but it still bothers me as I have low self esteem and now don't want him to see my behind anymore.


You're projecting how you feel about your behind onto him. And treating him like crap in the process.

You can't hold him responsible for how you feel about your body. 

Please, do go to IC to get a handle on this. What you did by stopping sex and leaving is exactly how to destroy a sex life and a marriage.


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

catfan said:


> I walked away, after saying I was turned of. Got dressed and left for the supermarket, leaving him nude on the bed. I was really upset and I guess so was he. Layer we talked about it, but it still bothers me as I have low self esteem and now don't want him to see my behind anymore.


He wasn't insulting your assets at all! 

See, it was _your_ skirt. It wasn't any one else's skirt. It was all about you! You picked out that skirt: it was your sense of fashion, your sense of color, your taste. Not everyone can look so good in _that_ skirt! 

It wasn't _his_ skirt (yikes!) it wasn't his Mom's skirt (oh my!) it was yours. _Your_ skirt. Think of all the people that have seen you in that skirt... The neighbors, your friends, parents, family, other men... and who's the only one allowed to lift _your_ skirt? The skirt with _you_ underneath it? 

That's what he was appreciating. He was appreciating a whole lot more of you than you thought! He's the only one allowed to unwrap that package, and the unwrapping part got to him! The reason the unwrapping part got to him so?? is because he knows that _you_ were inside the wrapping. 

You're very lucky to have someone that excited about taking off what you pick out to wear!


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

catfan said:


> Tonight we had a good time, he stood behind me. My skirt was around my waist but then my bf pulled it down, covering my bum.
> This suddenly made me so insecure, I feld like he didn't like to see it and I got turned of at once and stopped it all.
> 
> His explanation is he liked to see me with the skirt on and it was kinky with clothes on. We do it a lot partially clothed, so I don't see the kinky in that. He just though the skirt was coming of soon, so wanted to see it that way.
> I have trouble accepting this and feel humiliated, I mean, normally a guy would love to see @ss???


I am sorry you feel humiliated and that you think he does not love your bum. And from what you have said I think it is far from the truth. In fact it is probably the opposite actually. Just because you think naked is best, you are not him and may not know exactly what he likes. And furthermore what he likes changes even during sex. That is, with the skirt for a few minutes then naked next etc.

I am going to guess:

You had the skirt on earlier .. he wanted you badly but did not act on it at the time. Perhaps he admired your bum in the skirt and really loved it at the time. Later he is intimate with you and wants to see your bum in the skirt to revisit the feelings he had earlier. This turns him on with a flood of memories. 

So, it is actually that he wants to see your bum dressed in a skirt, naked, perhaps with pants on, with lingerie on.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Catfan, how about asking your SO if what he was thinking was along the lines of what Mr. Vanilla and fightforher are saying?


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

*Re: Re: Insecure by [email protected]?*



jld said:


> Catfan, how about asking your SO if what he was thinking was along the lines of what Mr. Vanilla and fightforher are saying?


He explained his reasons again and indeed it was similar to what Mr. Vanilla and fightforher posted. It takes a while for me to let this in, as I'm so extremely sensitive about anything that could be negative about my looks. 
According to my therapist the bullying caused PTSD and negative body image. I'm waiting to see if EMDR therapy woukd be something fot me.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I remember your other thread about similar issues. You're going to drive him away if you can't get over this.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> If I ask my wife to keep her stockings on does that mean I don't like her legs?


:iagree::iagree::iagree: Great point.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

*Re: Re: Insecure by [email protected]?*



Lyris said:


> I remember your other thread about similar issues. You're going to drive him away if you can't get over this.


I know....


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Take back your power catfan, don't waste your good years on this stuff.

OK I am not that thrilled with my arse, looks great in jeans but in the flesh, well I'm very "meh" about it. Decided to get over it and now Mr H calls it my "secret weapon". I reverse up to him and snuggle or grab his hands and put them on my butt, he can't resist and it always leads to a bit of fun. 
All I am saying is that like many women, I was not happy with my arse but have changed my own mind and now think of it as an asset.

Just do it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Catfan is that your pic in your avatar? 

If so you are an attractive woman. What is the deal? Where does all this insecurity come from?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Personally, I would rather see catfan get more self-assured through believing in and loving herself, rather than being afraid this particular boyfriend will leave her.

Men have many challenges in life, catfan, and one of them is learning how to effectively deal with the women in their lives. This is a growing experience for your SO, as well as you. I asked you to apologize to him last night (Did you, btw?), but I could have just as well asked him to apologize to you.

He needs to be sensitive to your reactions, and not get mad about them. He needs his own self-assurance that the issue is with you, not him. He needs to not take your issues personally. Every woman has some. If he leaves you and finds another, she will present challenges for him, too.

This is a great time to plug The Way of the Superior Man. 

Back to your SO . . . he could have stopped what he was doing when he saw you were not reacting well and just held you. He could have reassured you with his power and presence. 

He could have told you that you two did not need to do anything you were not both comfortable with. He could have told you that you can tell him anything, and it would be okay, that he would be strong enough to hear it. Or you could have simply felt that kind of safety and security with him through his actions.

You were not the only one who did not handle this perfectly, catfan. 

How are things today with you two?

And what do you think about inviting your SO to post here, as well?


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

catfan said:


> He explained his reasons again and indeed it was similar to what Mr. Vanilla and fightforher posted. It takes a while for me to let this in, as I'm so extremely sensitive about anything that could be negative about my looks.
> According to my therapist the bullying caused PTSD and negative body image. I'm waiting to see if EMDR therapy woukd be something fot me.


 EMDR is a form of cognitive therapy?


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

TiggyBlue said:


> EMDR is a form of cognitive therapy?


Mmmm, 

cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy might be somewhat more accurate. Evidence supports that it can work to lesson PTSD behavioral patterns in some patients.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I know my spouse loves my bottom. He also has a skirt "fetish" as well so sometimes, we have sex while I'm wearing one. I don't think your SO hates your bum. He probably loves it. You and you in the skirt was a huge turn on for him. This could have been such a hot and satisfying moment for him... and he'd probably think about you and him together every time you wore that skirt in the future. Now he might just think about the fight. :/

I like the idea about a do-over, wear the skirt, sans underwear and go initiate some kinky sex with him.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

There isn't much on this earth that is more attractive to a man than a self-assured and confident woman.

On the flip side, there isn't much on this earth that is LESS attractive to a man than a woman with major self image issues or severe lack of confidence.

My ex wife was a gorgeous woman, with a great body, but she was so overly critical of herself (especially naked) that it caused me to be almost entirely unattracted to her, physically. Attitude is everything in sex. My current wife doesn't have the stereotypical "great body" that society says we men should be attracted to, but SHE'S attractive, and sexy, and hot. And it's not that her attitude "makes up" for it - not at all - she IS attractive and sexy and hot. And she's not in love with her body, she'd be the first one to tell you this. But I AM.

Catfan, it's not your fault, obviously, and you appear to be working on these issues, but you seriously need to catch yourself before they rear their ugly head - especially while enjoying an intimate moment.

Sex is, and always should be, about "letting go". One should not be in the midst of being intimate with their partner and thinking about anything other than him or her, as well as YOUR enjoyment. You turned an intimate moment with your partner into something all about YOU. Holy buzzkill, Batman! I've had wild crazy reckless sex with a few women who don't fit the societal description of having a "great body". Whether it's a flat bum, no hips, flat chest (and I like small boobs btw!), or plus-sized, everybody I've ever been with was sexy in their own way - except my ex wife. And the irony is that she likely fit the societal expectations of "sexy body" more than the others.

You don't have to LOVE your body and everything about it, you simply have to accept it, or at the very least, stop worrying about it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Lol, Miss Taken. My dh loves it when I wear skirts/dresses, too. Some men are so easily pleased.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

I agree with Miss Taken.

The skirt is probably a turn on for him. Chances are he is thinking of a walk or a stance where you had that skirt on and it turned him on. And while he is being intimate with you he is remembering your walk in the skirt or something and thinking "wow, I am living my fantasy."

Confidence goes a long way too. For example, I enjoy looking at a large firm breast, but my wife is rather small. But when I am with her and she "gives" me her breast, it is the best breast in the entire world. It is the aspect that she is not hiding it or pulling it away from me, she is "giving" it to me so that it is mine to admire and love.

Probably the same is true for your bum. You give it to him and let him drape the skirt of his choice on it and it is the best bum in the entire world, because it is his to love right now.

Try to stop thinking of your body critically. Give him your body and watch him love it.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

After awhile it will be too much of a effort for your boyfriend to initiate with you. In his mind he will have to do a checklist of do's and donts before having sex. You will drive this man away.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

catfan said:


> Tonight we had a good time, he stood behind me. My skirt was around my waist but then my bf pulled it down, covering my bum.
> This suddenly made me so insecure, I feld like he didn't like to see it and I got turned of at once and stopped it all.
> 
> His explanation is he liked to see me with the skirt on and it was kinky with clothes on. We do it a lot partially clothed, so I don't see the kinky in that. He just though the skirt was coming of soon, so wanted to see it that way.
> I have trouble accepting this and feel humiliated, I mean, normally a guy would love to see @ss???


You're over thinking this catfan. Everything about my wife's body is sexy but sometimes I want her wearing something when we get busy. There's not much better than raising a short dress and adjusting panties to get busy (sometimes). 

Try not to let your own insecurities mess with your mind. It's not fair to you or him.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

richie33 said:


> After awhile it will be too much of a effort for your boyfriend to initiate with you. In his mind he will have to do a checklist of do's and donts before having sex. You will drive this man away.


And that's how it ended up with my ex wife. One wrong move on my part (and it seriously depended on her mood at the time...) and it was done-for.

This started occurring about 3-4 years into the 14 years I was with her. Year 5 and on was nothing but vanilla quickie sex, as a result. That was all she was comfortable doing, that's all I could get.

If she was feeling particularly down about her butt that day, then it was missionary. If she didn't like her stomach, then it was doggie style. If she didn't like her boobs, then the shirt would stay on and I couldn't go anywhere near them. It was up to me to read the stupid signs and I had to proceed with caution every single time, at my own risk of it ending right then and there if I touched her (or even looked at) whatever part of her body she was down on at that particular second.

Sexy.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

richie33 said:


> After awhile it will be too much of a effort for your boyfriend to initiate with you. In his mind he will have to do a checklist of do's and donts before having sex. You will drive this man away.


:iagree:

You now owe your BF an apology for what you did. I can understand having doubts, but leaving him hanging wasn't nice.



catfan said:


> I walked away, after saying I was turned of. Got dressed and left for the supermarket, leaving him nude on the bed.


That's one of the worst feelings for a dude - ever. He was excited by you, and then left him hanging feeling horny. You felt that he doesn't like his behind, now he feels you don't like his _anything_ as you rejected every bit of him.




catfan said:


> I was really upset and *I guess so was he.* Layer we talked about it, but it still bothers me as I have low self esteem and now don't want him to see my behind anymore.


Gee, ya think? You only get to do this to a guy a few times and then they will no longer want to pursue you.

Yes, he should try and reassure you that he finds your backside attractive - but understand he wasn't trying to hurt you. What you owe him is that you should knock his socks off, RIGHT NOW, to show him you're attracted to him AT ALL.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I have seen a few of your other threads too. I am glad you're in therapy for your issues. You have to know this situation was all you though. Your partner was enjoying himself and you just took that away. 

If you have such bad body issues, why not workout? I can tell you if you keep at it, it does wonders for your self esteem! You may not have anything to worry about body wise, but if it will make you feel better about yourself, why not? It's just 30 mins to an hour a day? It also helps with stress and anxiety! 

Just a thought.


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

You are not insecure about your bottom.

But you are severely INSECURE. And the result of YOUR insecurity is that you are abusive and impossible to please. What you are feeling has nothing to do with what HE did. It has everything to do with YOUR issues.

Keep working on getting YOU fixed so that you can treat him with love and not beat him up over your issues.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

larry.gray said:


> You now owe your BF an apology for what you did. I can understand having doubts, but leaving him hanging wasn't nice.
> 
> That's one of the worst feelings for a dude - ever. He was excited by you, and then left him hanging feeling horny. You felt that he doesn't like his behind, now he feels you don't like his _anything_ as you rejected every bit of him.


:iagree:

Totally agree, this is one of the biggest rejections you can give to a guy, and he's probably confused, worried and offended.

If someone did that to me more than once I'd be very tempted to tell them if they're going to storm off to the supermarket to not bother coming back.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

catfan said:


> Didn't he change a loving situation to a unloving one by rejecting to see my behind? I like partially dressed sex too, but he just covered it without use. It was already halfway over it, he just covered it completely.


No, he did not. What you did, however, was to utterly reject him and leave him high and dry. You should apologize to him. Yes, you are insecure, but that is not his fault. It is a personal problem that you are working to overcome. But when that personal problem results in your rejecting his love making and complaining that he did it wrong, that could result in the end of your relationship and some feelings of trauma for him.


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## Sportsfan7000 (Jan 21, 2014)

DO not have issue with this! It is something guys like a fair bit. Seeing my wife in different cloths and with them on, partially off or just pushed to the side etc. can be very arousing. I think it is the erotic thoughts that come from a lifetime of seeing fully dressed women that look appealing to us and wishing we could put our hands on them and their sexy skirt/tight t-shirt/yoga pants and now you get the chance to do so with a hot woman you are going to be intimate with. Super hot. I love when my wife wears her grey sweat pants! What's up with that? I'm a freak that's all. Don't try to hard to understand the sexual urges of men we are pretty random sometimes.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

A skirt is a huge turn on. He probably wanted to see your a$$ silhouetted under it. That's HOT! 

Cat, you've got to get a handle on your insecurity. Your man is INTO you. You are his hot piece of tail! Believe it!

Now, I need to take my own advice.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

If he did not want to see your rear, he could have just looked away. He wanted to "dress it up."

For a brief moment your bum was his wonderful play thing to arouse him and he was loving it. Suddenly you turned and took it away. 

Do yourself a big favor, take a deep breath, and let this one go. Depending on your level of comfort, you might apologize to him and ask him to help you get over this by having him list what body parts he loves about you. You just might be surprised. But it is a scary move to take. But if you let him know you are insecure, and you really want to work on it, then you might end up in a better place.


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

If you did slap your bf’s ego that one time, in that one isolated situation, because of that one skirt and your one-time reaction, then he’s going to have to get over it. 

However - people who suffer from PTSD because of long-term bullying means that their ego was slapped _again_ and _again_, _day_ after _day_, for _years_ – so much so that’s it’s altered their reaction to the world. 

This is far more difficult to ‘get over’ than a one-time slap. 

That you recognized the issue when it happened, questioned it, saw it for what it was, and understood that it might be directly connected to your PTSD… is a huge step forward. This is big time progress! 

Your reaction wasn’t malicious. It wasn’t on purpose – it was directly connected to the behavioral pattern you’re working to change! 

Your bf (and others) need to understand this. 

A one-time bruise to the poor male psyche from an unfulfilled immediate sexual need… does not compare at all to your long-term mental health and life goals. 

Make sure you bf understands all of this. He should want to be educated and completely supportive in what you are trying to do. If he gets it, then he’ll brush off that little slap like it never happened. 

You can’t change behavior if you don’t recognize it - so good for you that you’re seeing these things! 

This is progress! 
Hard work is paying off! 
Bravo!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

MrVanilla said:


> A one-time bruise to the poor male psyche from an unfulfilled immediate sexual need… does not compare at all to your long-term mental health and life goals.
> 
> Make sure you bf understands all of this. He should want to be educated and completely supportive in what you are trying to do. If he gets it, then he’ll brush off that little slap like it never happened.


And if he doesn't, catfan, he is probably not the man for you. 

You need someone emotionally strong. That kind of guy is not going to be deterred by something like this. He is going to reach out and try to understand and be supportive.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Are you still watching this thread catfan?

You really have to like yourself. It's hard to put into words how to do that but start out doing things that make you proud of yourself. Low esteem tends to make us worry about the "what ifs". The problem is you play it in your mind over and over.

In your case, you play out "what if" my husband doesn't think I'm attractive and leaves me. Well if that happened then you'd deal with it and move on and find someone who does find you attractive. So the actuality of what you're worrying could only happen once and it's not as bad as the replay that gets played over and over in your head. In this case there's not even a reason to think it would happen anyway though.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Dang are we still going on about this chick's ass?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Dang are we still going on about this chick's ass?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes we are. She needs to love her ass! :thumbup:


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I'll bet her ass is just fine.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Let's all just send out lovin' vibes to Catfan's ass.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

jld said:


> And if he doesn't, catfan, he is probably not the man for you.
> 
> You need someone emotionally strong. That kind of guy is not going to be deterred by something like this. He is going to reach out and try to understand and be supportive.


This is only true if she faces up to the fact that happened was all on her. Blaming him for her issues is not the answer.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

intheory said:


> But your post made me think that your ex, and catfan, and millions of other women with serious body-image issues, are, in a way, just following instructions.
> 
> Being bombarded from about the age of 12 onward with images and instructions (women's magazines, advertising print) about how basically flabby, hairy, smelly and unglamourous you are; and how you need to correct it--has the consequences it is intended to have: a huge demographic of female consumers, loathing themselves and purchasing product after product to chase that elusive perfection we're supposed to have.
> 
> ...


Oh man, I could talk for hours on that subject - my ex wife lived through the worst of it, and I truly believe it had a HUGE reason in the ending of our marriage.

When I met her, we were teenagers. She was petite, but borderline chubby. Baby fat, I guess. However, she (and the rest of the women in her family) are rather well endowed in the chest dept. So here's a girl, under 5' tall, 155lbs, of which 30 were boobs. Guess what every single teenage male stared at constantly? And she hated it. So baggy sweatshirts it was. She learned quickly that guys were interested in her for one reason only. She'd have told you back then that 9 out of 10 guys she dated always ended up going for the boobs the second they had a chance.

I treated her with much more respect than that, but it took her a long time to earn my trust. I'm not a boob guy, and I had to prove it to her, I guess. So I think she genuinely stuck with me because I was different than everybody else - not because she was attracted to me, unfortunately. Doh!

So dating sex was decent to good, because she didn't have a body image issue with me - at that point. I didn't care if she kept her boobs covered or not.

After being with me for, I'd say 3 or 4 years, she was comfortable in her body, which was great. Normal clothing, no baggy sweatshirts. Good stuff.

Then she started a job that was somewhat physical and involved a lot of walking. She lost a little bit of weight. Not a lot, but enough that EVERYBODY commented positively. Uh oh. Before you know it, she wanted to lose more, then tone up and get fit. She started with an exercise bike, then a treadmill, then started running, lifting weights at home, yoga, gym membership. It was ON.

Now, her body was no longer good enough, including around me.

Within an 18 month period, she went from happy and normal and content to obsessed raving lunatic. From a size 10 to a size ZERO. She was buying her clothes in the kids section.

Calorie counting started, and she was limiting herself to an insanely low amount per day, like 1100 or something. She developed amenorrhea and was anorexic. You could see her ribcage and spine clearly. But when she looked in the mirror, she picked apart the areas that were still "fat". Her once 36DDD boobs turned into pool balls in a sock, so the bra stayed on 24/7.

All because people commented on how great she looked after losing a little bit of weight.

It took her a solid 4 years to go through this cycle, and she developed a healthier exercise and eating regimen (still bordering on obsessive). During this time, there was little to no relationship between us, and I tried desperately to help her through it. I was supportive and concerned. And when she broke free of this disease and regained her physical and mental health, I was proud of her - and told her that.

Her rock bottom was when, at 95lbs, she walked into a Herbal Magic store and inquired about the program. The woman behind the counter was incredibly nice, and introduced her - right that minute - to the counsellor who worked there. She was the one who broke it to her that she had an eating disorder. So I guess having an outside party tell her this was what hit home. They became friends, and she helped her regain her health. Thank god for that.

Problem was, she was full-blown health and fitness freak at this time. I was not. I tried to join her by running, lifting some weights, going to the gym - it did nothing for me. Total boredom. My body was fine and I was happy with it.

Now that she was fit, (and doing it properly) and I was average, she was no longer content. Other men who were physically fit were giving her attention, and mine was no longer needed. And it ended up exactly the way you think it would have.

So she started out by being safe and comfortable with me - the one man who did not see her as walking tits. I respected and loved her for who she was, not her body. I supported and helped her through her eating disorder and health issues, both physical and mental. I loved her at 155lbs and at 95. I loved her when she was happy and content, and I loved her when she was nasty, malnourished (and quite frankly, insane). And what I got for it was "thanks, but you're no longer good enough for me".

Body issues are a huge problem amongst women AND men. They have lasting repercussions both for the person who has to deal with them, and the people in their lives. Having seen what it can do to somebody personally and up-close, I absolutely despise it when anybody comments on someone's weight, or even physical characteristics. It's a throwaway comment for that person, but the one on the receiving end of it - even if it's not directed at them - can be lasting and have severe repercussions.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> This is only true if she faces up to the fact that happened was all on her. Blaming him for her issues is not the answer.


Why are we blaming anyone, Cynthia? 

There was an incident, there was a reason for the incident, and we are trying to help them put it back together. 

It would be interesting to see how they resolved it. Catfan, are you going to tell us?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

jld said:


> And if he doesn't, catfan, he is probably not the man for you.
> 
> You need someone emotionally strong. That kind of guy is not going to be deterred by something like this. He is going to reach out and try to understand and be supportive.





jld said:


> Why are we blaming anyone, Cynthia?
> 
> There was an incident, there was a reason for the incident, and we are trying to help them put it back together.
> 
> It would be interesting to see how they resolved it. Catfan, are you going to tell us?


The burden is either on the man, or no one...never the woman...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> The burden is either on the man, or no one...never the woman...


I told her earlier in the thread, sam, to apologize to him, and ask if they could have a redo.

But my main concern is for her self-esteem issue, not for maintaining the relationship. They are young, not married, and have no kids. Even if he leaves, someone else will eventually replace him. 

What we really want is to help her fix her self-esteem problem. That will go a long way toward maintaining her present, or next, relationship.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

jld said:


> Why are we blaming anyone, Cynthia?
> 
> There was an incident, there was a reason for the incident, and we are trying to help them put it back together.
> 
> It would be interesting to see how they resolved it. Catfan, are you going to tell us?


I was responding to a comment where the man was supposed to remain strong and supportive, but the woman is behaving inappropriately and he should not have to be mistreated due to her issues. The point is that he can be strong and supportive, but that doesn't mean he has to put up with being cut off in the middle of sex and told he is doing something wrong when he is not. No matter what her issues are, doing that to someone who is in the moment of loving sexual affection and turning it around to him having a problem is not something he should be supportive of.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> I was responding to a comment where the man was supposed to remain strong and supportive, but the woman is behaving inappropriately and he should not have to be mistreated due to her issues. The point is that he can be strong and supportive, but that doesn't mean he has to put up with being cut off in the middle of sex and told he is doing something wrong when he is not. No matter what her issues are, doing that to someone who is in the moment of loving sexual affection and turning it around to him having a problem is not something he should be supportive of.


What would you have him do?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

jld said:


> What would you have him do?


Tell her that she is out of line and to stop sex in the middle over some perceived slight is unacceptable. If she is upset by something, then by all means talk about it, but in a calm and loving manner, rather than going off in a huff. What she did was insensitive and rude. It is a form of teasing. Telling her that a better approach would be to simply ask what he is doing like, "Hey, don't you like my bottom?" or "Whatcha doin'," would be a far better approach than what she did. Then when he says, "Yeah, Baby, I love your bottom and how it looks in your skirt," she takes him at his word and things progress from there to a happy ending. Instead she chose to think the worst and leave him hanging in a very uncomfortable way. Doing that to someone can create sexual problems.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

alexm said:


> Oh man, I could talk for hours on that subject - my ex wife lived through the worst of it, and I truly believe it had a HUGE reason in the ending of our marriage.
> 
> When I met her, we were teenagers. She was petite, but borderline chubby. Baby fat, I guess. However, she (and the rest of the women in her family) are rather well endowed in the chest dept. So here's a girl, under 5' tall, 155lbs, of which 30 were boobs. Guess what every single teenage male stared at constantly? And she hated it. So baggy sweatshirts it was. She learned quickly that guys were interested in her for one reason only. She'd have told you back then that 9 out of 10 guys she dated always ended up going for the boobs the second they had a chance.
> 
> ...


Same thing happened to a good friend of mine many years ago. It devastated him and he never got his confidence back. His wife left him when he was 35 and at 48 he has never found another woman. He lives alone to this day. He does not date. He doesn't care to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> Tell her that she is out of line and to stop sex in the middle over some perceived slight is unacceptable. If she is upset by something, then by all means talk about it, but in a calm and loving manner, rather than going off in a huff. Okay, this sounds good, but I think the reason she did not do that is because of the low self-esteem. I think someone with high self-esteem would have done what you suggest. What she did was insensitive and rude. It is a form of teasing. Hmm. I would not have seen it that way. I think she felt rejected. Telling her that a better approach would be to simply ask what he is doing like, "Hey, don't you like my bottom?" or "Whatcha doin'," would be a far better approach than what she did. That sounds good, too.Then when he says, "Yeah, Baby, I love your bottom and how it looks in your skirt," she takes him at his word and things progress from there to a happy ending. I like this, too, Cynthia, but again, I think her low self-esteem precludes the self-confidence to do this very thing, taking him at his word. While she works on her self-esteem, he can work on helping her trust him. It could be a team effort. Instead she chose to think the worst and leave him hanging in a very uncomfortable way. That low self-esteem again. Let's help her fix that, so these situations don't come up. Or if they do, she will be able to deal with them effectively, as you have described above. Doing that to someone can create sexual problems. As in, he would be scared to initiate? Just wondering what problems it might create.


I think your way of having him teach her better ways of dealing with this is very good. Her self-confidence is shaky, and she would likely appreciate his leadership in this area.

Thanks for your post.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Men love the thought of a bare bum under a dress or skirt or even long tee shirt.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

jld said:


> I think your way of having him teach her better ways of dealing with this is very good. Her self-confidence is shaky, and she would likely appreciate his leadership in this area.
> 
> Thanks for your post.


You certainly are consistant jld...placing the burden of fixing her problems on him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> You certainly are consistant jld...placing the burden of fixing her problems on him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think she is going to need help, sam. He is the one closest to her, and in this particular incident, directly affected. He has much to gain from an improvement in her self-confidence.

Cynthia offered her perspective. What would you have him do?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

jld said:


> I think she is going to need help, sam. He is the one closest to her, and in this particular incident, directly affected. He has much to gain from an improvement in her self-confidence.
> 
> Cynthia offered her perspective. What would you have him do?


I agree, she needs help with this but often times that help need to come from someone not involved in the relationship such as a counsellor. Often the partners of people with horrible self esteem can end up doing more damage while trying to help, they often lack credibility...the whole well, he has to say that he thinks my ass looks good, therefore it doesn't count, he's only saying that...and while trying to build that trust, he is actually damaging it in her mind.

He needs to let her know he is there and supportive, but also has to call her on her behaviour....

My experience is a 20 year relationship with a woman who is anorexic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> I agree, she needs help with this but often times that help need to come from someone not involved in the relationship such as a counsellor. Often the partners of people with horrible self esteem can end up doing more damage while trying to help, they often lack credibility...the whole well, he has to say that he thinks my ass looks good, therefore it doesn't count, he's only saying that...and while trying to build that trust, he is actually damaging it in her mind.
> 
> He needs to let her know he is there and supportive, but also has to call her on her behaviour....
> 
> ...


I tend to agree that a counselor would be good. Otherwise she's vulnerable to needing external validation and that's a killer of relationships.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> I agree, she needs help with this but often times that help need to come from someone not involved in the relationship such as a counsellor. Often the partners of people with horrible self esteem can end up doing more damage while trying to help, they often lack credibility...the whole well, he has to say that he thinks my ass looks good, therefore it doesn't count, he's only saying that...and while trying to build that trust, he is actually damaging it in her mind.
> 
> He needs to let her know he is there and supportive, but also has to call her on her behaviour....
> 
> ...


I agree that he needs to be part of the support system, not the whole thing. A counselor is needed. But there really is no substitute for the kind of caring a secure partner can provide.

He certainly needs to speak up. Doing it in a constructive way would help both of them.

Anorexia is so hard to overcome. So many mental issues there. Affects everyone in their life, too. So sad.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> I tend to agree that a counselor would be good. Otherwise she's vulnerable to needing external validation and that's a killer of relationships.


I think she is going to need that either way. I am not sure I know any women who do not need, or at least appreciate, validation from their partners.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

jld said:


> I think she is going to need that either way. I am not sure I know any women who do not need, or at least appreciate, validation from their partners.


What I meant isn't what you read. Could be my fault but no matter. I meant external validation where attention from anyone hot of the opposite sex is an esteem fix.

Now we debate how everyone likes attention but that's not the point either. The point is how having low self esteem makes someone act on the attention. There's a few successful long term reconciliation WS members here at TAM. Often when asked what lead the the affair, they'll state low self esteem during that time in their life first thing.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Oh, I see. No, I don't think catfan is looking outside of her relationship. I think she is looking pretty desperately inside for some self-worth, and is not finding any. Because she is so empty inside, any perceived slight cuts right through her.

She is basically very fragile.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

bandit.45 said:


> Same thing happened to a good friend of mine many years ago. It devastated him and he never got his confidence back. His wife left him when he was 35 and at 48 he has never found another woman. He lives alone to this day. He does not date. He doesn't care to.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ouch. Poor guy, and I can sympathize.

I think I was lucky (if you can call it that) that my ex wife treated me like garbage for a while. I have no idea why I put up with it - probably because I blamed it on her eating disorder and similar issues - so when she left, I was actually quite relieved. I kept my vows of "for better or for worse" seriously, and it was misery for both of us while she was dealing with that, but I stuck it out because I loved her.

So my issue with her was not because she left me, but how and why. That sucked. But not enough to not get back on the horse.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

jld said:


> Oh, I see. No, I don't think catfan is looking outside of her relationship. I think she is looking pretty desperately inside for some self-worth, and is not finding any. Because she is so empty inside, any perceived slight cuts right through her.
> 
> She is basically very fragile.


I agree that catfan is fragile, but I think it is helpful for her to see that what her boyfriend did is perfectly normal and does not indicate that he doesn't like her bottom. I feel badly for her that she is so sensitive and hope that this thread will help shed some light on the subject that will bring her comfort and truth.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I hope she feels reassured, too. I hope she will come back and tell us how they resolved things.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Just curious, Cynthia, did you ever have low self-esteem? And if so, how did you deal with it?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

jld said:


> Just curious, Cynthia, did you ever have low self-esteem? And if so, how did you deal with it?


I guess you could say that. I have struggled with body image issues. Basically I have learned to love my body and to care for it as valuable. I have learned to see that it serves me well and will serve me best when I take care of it. Each of us is unique and each of us has beauty. What I do is self talk as if I were listening to someone else tell me what I was feeling and then think how I would respond to someone else. That has always helped me solve problems in my life, because it is much easier for me to see an issue that someone else may be having. I would care for that person and want to tell them something that made sense, was doable, and would help them to improve their well-being. Then I see myself as someone worthy of the same care. It goes to that, "Love your neighbor as yourself." If I can think of how to love my neighbor, I can think of how to love myself too.
That is how I see things generally. I treat myself as I would someone who I care about. When I am sad or not feeling good about myself, I talk to myself like I would someone who didn't feel good. This has a lot to do with why I take such good care of myself.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

*Re: Re: Insecure by [email protected]?*



jld said:


> I told her earlier in the thread, sam, to apologize to him, and ask if they could have a redo.
> 
> But my main concern is for her self-esteem issue, not for maintaining the relationship. They are young, not married, and have no kids. Even if he leaves, someone else will eventually replace him.
> 
> What we really want is to help her fix her self-esteem problem. That will go a long way toward maintaining her present, or next, relationship.


I'm still reading your comments but embarassed of how badly I reacted to that situation and of people talking about my butt.

I did apologize to him and we talked about it, so we understand eachother on this incident. I wish it was a one time thing, but my low self esteem and trust issues cause a lot of trouble in our relationship. 
Through therapy I try to work on myself, but it's hard to change after 25 years of thinking I'm just no good and other people can't be trusted, esp. men...

Thanks to everyone who is trying to help, your comments made me see that indeed most, if not all, problems are caused by my own wrong train of thoughts.


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

catfan said:


> Through therapy I try to work on myself, but it's hard to change after 25 years of thinking I'm just no good and other people can't be trusted, esp. men...
> 
> Thanks to everyone who is trying to help, your comments made me see that indeed most, if not all, problems are caused by my own wrong train of thoughts.


You do not have any 'wrong' train of thoughts! 

Your train of thoughts, your reactions to different situations are _different_. That's all they are. If you go around thinking that you are 'wrong'... this only re-enforces a less than positive self image. 

You were not wrong. 

You reacted in the way that you have learned to react. Your reaction was _different_. Just like so many of the responses here in this thread are _different_. 

Are there _better_ ways to react? 
_Healthier_ ways to react? 
What might be a _different_ way? 

So many possibilities!


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Some of this may sound rude but I will give the reasons why I would cover a butt with a skirt while I was having sex.

1. It smelled. The truth is, if it's unfresh and a woman's skirt was still on, this would be like a gift from the heavens. I'd absolutely pull the skirt back down to try and somewhat mask the smell. Some women forget that using the bathroom just once during the day, can make your bottom unfresh in the doggy position. My wife washes off in the shower or tub whenever she uses the restroom at home, no matter what. I do the same. This is a bit extreme, but toilet paper just doesn't clean you up ladies/fellas. 

2. Your anus was hairy. Some women shave their private areas or trim, yet leave their anus totally unshaved. Seeing hair around the anus or up the crack well past the anus is also a huge turn off for a lot of men. A butt can be beautiful, but you can't "trim" a butt, it has to be waxed or totally removed. You can trim around a vagina and pubic area, but the anus area needs to be 100% shaved. That is not an issue of preference for me, its a total hygiene issue and a woman should not have any hair around her anus or up her crack. As a man, I keep my ass and crack shaved, twice a week. And I'm a man. I can't imagine a woman not shaving this area.

3. You do shave and have razor bumps or small pimples on your bottom. It happens. It happens to all women, men, humans. If he isn't used to it, he may have just reacted. However, using a new razor will help with this. 

Best case scenerio:

4. Leaving clothes on is a fantasy. Like lifting a skirt in the office, or yes, even an aggressive fantasy of just taking a woman before she can take her clothes off. It's kinky to take a woman while she still has her clothing on. There are times when I will move my wife's panties to the side and roughly grab her wrists when she tries to pull her panties down. She of course doesn't want her panties roughed up and possibly ruined, I just want to take her with her clothing on and want her panties roughed up and to the side just a little. It's a turn on.


The good news? Everything I listed above is controllable and can be fixed. The bad news? It was insensitive of him and he should have explained this beforehand, especially with him already knowing you were self conscious about your body. I don't care what the reason.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Btw, I love how you reacted / overreacted. I know I have seen a lot of people who disagree or will hate my advice, but I would be turned on by your reaction. If you are naked in front of me, I better appreciate it. Lesson learned.

If he is still just a bf and has advanced past certain stages and seeing you nude turns him on less than seeing you clothed, that's definitely red flags for me. I do not think your frustration was misplaced at all. Like, fantasize about my body clothed all you want, but don't redress me once I am nude, appreciate what I don't show ANYONE in the world. Sorry I just can't agree with the good folks of TAM on this one. Fantasy is one thing, but REDRESSING her after she has exposed herself was INSENSITIVE of him. 

He should have known better.

Husband / wife, long talks, years of seeing each other in every way imaginable, explaining beforehand what turns you on, etc. Yes, it's okay. 

Boyfriend, no talk prior, her already showing some signs of insecurities / wanting to be appreciated, showing your naughty parts and him recovering them? Insensitive and NOT okay. And you don't need IC because of this. BS.

It would be like her pulling out her breasts and him grabbing her bra and putting it back on her while he continues to have sex. I don't care what his fetish or fantasy is, it's disrespectful and insensitive. Women walk around clothed all day and keep their bodies covered so no man can appreciate or see them in their very vulnerable birthday suit. You have that special someone you want to share it with and without talking about it prior, he covers you back up.

Not cool. She doesn't need IC because of this. Super extreme advice imo.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

catfan said:


> I'm still reading your comments but embarassed of how badly I reacted to that situation and of people talking about my butt.
> 
> I did apologize to him and we talked about it, so we understand eachother on this incident. I wish it was a one time thing, but my low self esteem and trust issues cause a lot of trouble in our relationship.
> Through therapy I try to work on myself, but it's hard to change after 25 years of thinking I'm just no good and other people can't be trusted, esp. men...
> ...


No need to be embarrassed. I think everyone reacts badly to things sometimes. It's part of being human. We learn and move forward, which is what you are trying to do. You are learning how your thinking patterns may not be in sync with what the other person is actually thinking, which will help you to let go of those negative thinking patterns about yourself. One thing I have found is very helpful in general is to simply ask someone what they mean by something or what they are thinking, rather than assigning meaning to something that might not actually be there. It has helped me to see that things are not always how I perceive them to be.
Keep moving forward and you will get past this. Yes, it is hard to break old thinking patterns, but over time it will get better and better as you are working on it.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

catfan said:


> I'm still reading your comments but embarassed of how badly I reacted to that situation and of people talking about my butt.
> 
> I did apologize to him and we talked about it, so we understand eachother on this incident. I wish it was a one time thing, but my low self esteem and trust issues cause a lot of trouble in our relationship.
> Through therapy I try to work on myself, but it's hard to change after 25 years of thinking I'm just no good and other people can't be trusted, esp. men...
> ...


Great to hear that you apologized and talked about it. Don't beat yourself up for "doing something wrong." There is no real "wrong" here, you just reacted the way the years has taught you.

I am hoping that all this talk her has taught you a lot. I am hoping that next time something like this happens you will suppress the urge to let your mind race off and turn a good time into a bad one. I am hoping that next time something like this happens you will turn it around into a positive experience, feel so much more in control, and feel successful about handling it properly.

I hope you will post about some real success about handling your insecure feelings and enjoying a good time. I hope we have given you some support and understanding. Insecure feelings about something we have little control over is painful. But I hope that we have given you something to think about for the next time.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

catfan said:


> I'm still reading your comments but embarassed of how badly I reacted to that situation and of people talking about my butt.
> 
> I did apologize to him and we talked about it, so we understand eachother on this incident. I wish it was a one time thing, but my low self esteem and trust issues cause a lot of trouble in our relationship.
> Through therapy I try to work on myself, but it's hard to change after 25 years of thinking I'm just no good and other people can't be trusted, esp. men...
> ...


I've done way worse than what you've done, catfan. I know what low self-esteem is like. So sad.

Just keep talking to him about your feelings. Just be transparent. This young man seems very nice, and I think he loves you. He will be patient. He sees you are worth it. 

He is learning, too. He is learning who you are, and how to effectively deal with you. Have you two read about active listening at all?

He needs to nurture you, and reassure you, both in his words and actions. You are fragile right now, and his support will earn your trust. You will bond to him, and he will benefit in many ways from that.

Please don't beat yourself up. Just keep sharing your heart, as transparently as you can, with this young man. And apologize whenever you know you have been disrespectful. Ask him to tell you when you have been disrespectful.

Be humble with him, sweetheart. He really seems to care for you. He is worth giving the benefit of the doubt to.


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

I'm a guy and I do this all the time. It's not a reflection on you but it's a visual and sensory "thing". For example my partner has a really lovely bumper that I adore. When she has certain materials on (silk for example) I like pulling it over her when I'm in from behind and feeling her skin through the material.....and it also looks intoxicatingly hot!
Don't take it personal.....


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I get it. My husband does that too. 

He likes the idea that we're clothed....doin it in public or whatever.

I wouldn't worry.


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