# How do I make my family just let go??



## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

My parents are really starting to get on my nerves. They are very generous toward my husband and I, and I am very grateful, but its getting to the point where I'm starting to wonder if theres something more going on here.

I lived with them for 19 years, in the same house, on the same street.... never had moved out. At 19, I finally left home and moved down to Georgia to be with my husband, as most of you probably already know. Most parents wouldn't be thrilled about their daughter living 400 miles away but I thought that they would eventually learn to accept it and just realize the fact that I was an adult. It never happened. Everytime I talked to my mom on the phone, she was always whining and crying and wanting me to come back home. I told her that we might move back to North Carolina, which is where I'm from, someday but it had to be at the right time. A couple years later, my husband decided that he wanted to move back here and at first I just wanted to be away from my parents because I felt they were just too overbearing... but after having a little break from them, I agreed with my husband that moving back to North Carolina would probably be a good idea.

When we first moved up here, we were thinking of either buying a house or temporarily renting an apartment or house. My parents insisted that they wanted to "help" us, so they offered to pay for our rent, just for a year or two so that we could save up some money. If we had decided to BUY a house instead of renting, they still wanted to be involved. They insisted that they wanted to give us a few thousand dollars for a down payment... to "help" us. Well, right around the time that we moved, one of my dad's tenants moved out of his rental house so he offered to just let us stay in it. Thats what we decided to do and we've been living in his rental house, rent free, for about 2 years now.

My husband is in the process of getting a new job. With the way things are going, it looks like theres a pretty good chance that he might be starting next week. With this new job, he will be making twice as much money as hes making now. He was making good money when we first moved here but after about a year of living here, he quit and started working for my dad, which is also where I work. He was working for an over the road trucking company and the pay was good but he had to be gone 5 days a week and he just got sick of it. The good thing about this new job that hes probably going to get is that he will make good money AND be home everyday. We've both been so excited about it because we're really looking forward to finally having money again.

We've decided that once he gets this job, we're going to start looking at houses immediately and just buy something small and affordable.... like just a little starter home for right now. It started out to be a good thing by living in my parents rental house but its getting to where we just feel like we need space from them. We don't like feeling like we're dependent on them.... but I think my parents LIKE for us to be somewhat dependent on them. I think thats why they were so insistent that we stay in their rental house rent FREE.... I don't think it was just about them trying to do something nice and help us out... I think they like knowing that we are relying on them in some ways. I dont think they want us to be completely free from them.

This new job is going to be 45 minutes away, so we're planning on moving somewhere in between his new job and my dad's restaurant. That way he will only have to drive about 20 mins to get to his new job, and I'll only be 20 mins away from mine (my dads restaurant). As of right now, we only live about a mile or two away from my parent's house. I told my mom when we moved back here that just because we're living 5 minutes down the road from them right now doesn't mean its always going to be like that. I told her that chances are, we're going to end up moving, and we may end up living an hour or two away from them. With job opportunities and things like that, you never know whats going to happen. She just always said "oh I dont care. Just as long as you aren't 400 miles away! Just as long as you're back in north carolina I'll be happy"

Well, my dad knows we're looking at houses and that my husbands probably going to have a new job soon, so just last night he was showing us a house on his street that was up for sale. Its a $200,000 house.... and in my opinion, its not even that nice looking. We don't have the money to spend on a $200,000 house.... even when my husband gets this job, we wouldn't be able to afford that.... even if we could, we'd have an extremely high house payment and it wouldn't be a smart decision. We would probably just barely be able to afford the payments. I told my mom that a house like that is too expensive and that we just want to get out of their rental house and get something cheap. She then went onto mention "Well you know, your dad and I have all that land behind our house. You could always build something on it... we'd give you the land for free." 

I told her that I lived in that area all my life and that I don't want to build a house there.... I want something different. And I didnt tell her this part, but I also wouldnt be crazy about the idea of living right behind them.... I feel like I don't have enough space from them even living in their rental house and I'm a mile or two down the road. I told her that my husband's new job is going to be 45 minutes away and that we we're looking at buying something toward that direction so he won't have to drive as far. I said to her "you know, we'll still only be maybe 20-25 mins away... it wouldnt be that long of a drive." 

She tried to say that it wasn't about that.... and that she was just trying to think of my husband and I... and what our "cheapest option" would be. I don't believe that. If thats the case, then why are they showing us a $200,000 house that just so happens to be on their street?? How is $200,000 a cheap option? Its not. They just want us to live near them. Its the same case with them trying to talk us into building a house behind them on their property... They'll give the land to us for "free" to try to make it sound appealing and like we're getting a good deal... but its really not worth it. I'd rather just pay $5000-$10,000 for an acre or two of land and pick the exact spot that I wanted..... as opposed to having free land and having to be stuck right behind their house. Now matter how "private" they try to make it sound like it would be..... I wouldn't like it and my husband said he wouldn't either.

I have 3 brothers, they are 33, 31, and 20 and all of them still live with my parents. They've never once moved out.... My parents dont charge them rent or make them pay any bills either. They try to make it sound like they're "helping" them by not making them pay anything, but really I think its just a way to try to get them to stick around... they dont WANT them to leave.... and by not making them pay rent or any bills, they now are spoiled and dont see any point in leaving. The difference between my brothers and I is that I'd rather have to pay my own bills and my own rent and to have freedom and independence.... they are basically sacrificing their independence by continuing to live with my parents.... but they look at it like "hey! I dont have to pay any bills! so what if Im in my 30s and still live with mom and dad..... I've got it made!". I just don't look at it that way. Its not worth it to me.

I am just looking forward to my husband getting this job and getting out of this house so that we can be out from under my parents.... but it seems like they just don't want to let go. They want us to live behind their house or on their street.... and its just not going to work. They need to come to terms with the fact that I am not like my brothers.... I'm not going to spend my entire life living with them, or even living next to them. I need my space. 

My husband and I have came to the conclusion that when we do buy a house, which will probably be pretty soon, they most likely will still offer to pay for our down payment.... but we've decided that we are going to politely refuse simply for the fact that they've "helped" us out enough and we fear that if they gave us money for the house, even if its just a small amount, theyre going to feel like they have a say in any type of decisions that might come about pertaining to the house. We don't want that. We want our house to be OUR house, and we want to be able to do whatever we please without them adding their two cents. 

My parents have been like this all my life but honestly I thought that at some point they'd accept the fact that I'm not like my brothers and that I need my independence. I'm 22 years old, I haven't lived with them in 3 and a half years and they still don't seem to be making any changes. They are literally driving me insane. I love them and I am appreciative of them but I just want them to stop trying to keep me so close to them and to just let me do my own thing. Is there anything I can say to them to get the point across without being insensitive?? Or is this something I'm just going to have to deal with forever and learn to ignore it? Any insight would be highly appreciated.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

No Kitty, there is nothing you can say that will get through to them. Yes, it is something you will have to deal with forever. My best suggestion is to keep doing what you are doing. You are forming boundaries and you will have to keep defining them for your parents.

Your parents sound like nice people, but unfortunately they also sound like they are one of the baby boomer enablers. To me they sound like they do just want to help their kids and make their life easier. Problem is, when parents do this to the extreme yours are, they inadvertantly stop the emotional growth of their children - as you see in your brothers. I applaud you for striking out on your own. You and your husband will appreciate you home and personal success much more if you do it on your own.

I shudder to think what Christmases will be like for you once you have kids. :smthumbup:


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## anja (Mar 12, 2013)

I think they just want to protect their (as others say) exceptionally beautiful daughter from all those pervs that are hitting on you all day long so you have more time to chat online. You won't understand them until you have children on your own, so I recommend getting pregnant ASAP. It will solve everything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

anja said:


> I think they just want to protect their (as others say) exceptionally beautiful daughter from all those pervs that are hitting on you all day long so you have more time to chat online. You won't understand them until you have children on your own, so I recommend getting pregnant ASAP. It will solve everything.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Id really appreciate it if everyone could not bring up things from past threads and just give me some sincere, non sarcastic answers here. 

This thread has nothing to do with me getting hit on, with me being "beautiful", or me getting pregnant. 

Despite what your opinion is of me or what you've seen in my previous threads, this is a serious question and I am looking for real answers.

My parents are not being over protective of me because I am so beautiful and I get hit on so much and whatever else you said. If this was the case, they'd be like this with ONLY me... but they aren't. They're the same way with my brothers. I just got done saying that my brothers are in their 30s and still live with my parents.. and thats just the way my parents want it. They are doing it because they want to be controlling. They're doing it because they want me and all my brothers to stay with them for the rest of our lives.... if not actually IN the house, then they want us to live next to them or behind them. I realize I have the choice to do whatever I want and that they can't tell me what to do but I just want them to let go and stop TRYING to keep me so close to them.

If you're going to respond to this with another sarcastic answer, please don't respond at all. I don't find it to be helpful or funny.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

JustHer said:


> No Kitty, there is nothing you can say that will get through to them. Yes, it is something you will have to deal with forever. My best suggestion is to keep doing what you are doing. You are forming boundaries and you will have to keep defining them for your parents.
> 
> Your parents sound like nice people, but unfortunately they also sound like they are one of the baby boomer enablers. To me they sound like they do just want to help their kids and make their life easier. Problem is, when parents do this to the extreme yours are, they inadvertantly stop the emotional growth of their children - as you see in your brothers. I applaud you for striking out on your own. You and your husband will appreciate you home and personal success much more if you do it on your own.
> 
> I shudder to think what Christmases will be like for you once you have kids. :smthumbup:


I think I have to agree with you. I hate to say it but my parents have been like this for my whole life and I don't see them changing. I guess we're just going to have to keep letting them know where the line is and letting them know not to cross it. 

Neither one of them have a lot of family themselves, especially my mom... and I think thats why they are so determined to keep all of their kids so close to them. Plus, the fact that I think a lot of it has to do with control. I think they want to be involved with paying our rent, paying for our down payment, etc... because its a way to involve themselves in our lives and its a way to have some control over us.

They will sometimes make comments like "It'd be nice to see them (my brothers) get married and have kids someday".... but I don't think they truly want that. If they did, they'd stop making it so easy on them, and start making them pay rent or at least some bills so that they'd have some incentive to want to leave. Chances are, if they have to pay rent, they're going to want to have their OWN place.... why would they want to pay rent just to live in my parent's basement when they could pay rent to live in their OWN place that they could have all to themselves? I think my parents see this and I think its why they continue to not ask them for any money.

I am a little worried about when we have kids. When my parents were showing me that $200,000 house, my mom made a comment like "If you lived there, my little grandbabies would be right across the road from me". We don't even have kids yet and shes already saying this stuff. 

I think in her ideal world, my brothers, me, and our kids would all live in a little bubble, right next to my parents. Thats not the way the world works.... people get married, have kids, and they move off. She should be happy that when we move, Ill only be 20 minutes away instead of 400 miles away like I was before.


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## Samayouchan (Jun 1, 2012)

I honestly have to say that your parents just love you and want to just make sure you have everything you need. My parents sound similar to yours somewhat =).I lived in SC with my parents then moved 45 mins away for like 5 years. Moved bk in with them (bc of marital issues) and then remarried. After that I moved to my husbands state which was CALIFORNIA! Can you imagine what my parents were like with me at the age even at 29 at the time XD lol. 
They mean well. Granted, they can drive us crazy. They'll eventually learn you are ok and everything will work out ^-^ In time you'll see they just want to help. Now that my husband and I are in the top corner of Washington state, my parents STILL want to be sure I have everything I need here lol. Enjoy it. xD

EDIT: I think in every parents world they want their kids to all stay in that bubble around them. Just realize its kind of an empty nest thing she's experiencing and blow off the steam elsewhere but not towards them. They really seem like they mean well ^^ but you have to be happy too =)


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

At the risk of being overly simplistic: you help your parents let go by continuing to take steps toward your independence. You are an adult now, so they can't "hold on" without your cooperation and agreement (even if it doesn't feel like agreement on your end.)

I think you are on a good path. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, and you and your husband do seem to be moving towards your adult independence. I think you have a great plan to get a house that you can afford on you and your DH's salary alone, in a location that works for you both. If you can afford to politely decline their offer to assist with the down payment, that will be another big step.

As you move more fully into your own lives, with your DH working for someone besides your dad, out of their rental- and I assume that you don't plan on working for your dad forever?- you will be removing their hold on you.

The main thing is- build your life in a way that doesn't require that you accept their help. As long as you are accepting their help, you are keeping that tie.

I do have to agree with other posters, though. I think your parents are happy to truly help out financially. Most parents want to help, if they can. Most grand-parents would LOVE to live near their grand-children. So even though your parents sound like they over-enable, I suspect it is coming from good intentions.

Still- the great thing about being an adult is that each person gets to create and uphold their own boundaries. So you can say Yes or No to your Mom and Dad.

I have my fingers crossed that your DH gets the job, and happy house-hunting!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You don't 'make' them do anything. 

YOU do something. Like get a different job away from your dad's restaurant, for starters.


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## brockeye (Jul 4, 2013)

i thinkn so,please don't respond at all. I don't find it to be helpful or funny.


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