# Can jealousy cause someone to cheat?



## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

Hi,

I am separated from my wife with a view to a divorce but reflecting what went wrong.

One of the things my STBE wife said was that she was extremely jealous of me when girls talked to me etc.

She said this was actually one of the reasons she cheated.

Could there be any truth in this? I never flirted with anyone but I do have quite a few girls who send me messages on facebook (all old friends met before her) and they tend to call me "hun", "babe" and put kisses. She specifically said this drove her up the wall and she felt like I could be meeting people behind her back.

I just wanted to know, for the sake of future relationships, if her jealously could actually have contributed to her decision to cheat.

Thanks


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

It does not justify her cheating, but yes it may be the trigger that sent her that way. When I found out ex-gf and other girls were flirting w/ my man on FB, the first thing i thought is he was cheating on me, and sense I wasn't getting the attention I thought I needed from him, I started 'noticing' other men 'noticing' me, whereas before I didn't pay much attention. No I didn't run off and cheat on him, but I guess it may have planted that thought in my head. BTW, sorry your marriage is ending She did not have to be disloyal to you over the FB thing, but I asked my H to de-activate his acct if he wanted to save our relationship. He did. Also, he didn't flirt w/ those girls (at least not that I saw) but he sure seemed to like the attention he was getting and kept 'friending' more women until he had over 80 women contacts.
-Stumble


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No. What a crock.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I think that's revenge--not jealousy. But, for future relationships, you probably need to curtail some of those activities on FB.


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## LADYGAINES (Aug 30, 2010)

Everyone is different. For some the answer would be no thats trying to place the blame on you, thats a load of crap, excuses, etc. As for me.....If I confidently felt that my husband had already broken our wedding vows by being unfaithful and an opportunity came my way [man I am VERY attracted to and is attracted to me] in a very weak weak moment I may attempt to justify my own unfaithful act by the fact that you have been unfaithful. She used the belief that her vows are already broken to justify sleeping with someone else as well. I think that is very possible. A valid reason; HELL NO. But a possibility: Yes.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

It's her way of justifying cheating on you so that she doesn't feel guilty that she cheated. This way she deflects the guilt back to you and can live guilt free. Just remember her how she was as your wife when you got married and move on with your life.

Like alot of people say, the new person is a stranger to them and the person they married died a while back already. This seems to help alot of people heal faster by thinking of it in this way.


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## LADYGAINES (Aug 30, 2010)

Also- Absolutely no woman should be sending you kisses and referring to you as babe, hun, etc. This was disrespectful to your wife and your marriage and very inappropriate. You need to address that if you and your wife are to work things out. I have strictly platonic male friends and I don't send them kisses or use endearments when communicating with them.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

Let me just say, Facebook causes more marriages to be ruined because spouses try to reconnect with old friends and then inevitably, reconnect with lost loves. You want a healthy marriage, delete your FB account. Stay in touch with old friends through phone or e-mail. 

Just my 2 cents.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Cheating is a choice. Nothing you can do to "make" your spouse cheat. This is just a matter of trying to defend the indefensible and making you carry part of the blame for a choice which was her's alone. Let's get this straight. "You talked to a woman on the phone, so I had to have an affair." Maybe that makes sense to a crazy person. Isn't that a lot like, "Honey, I'm sorry I stabbed you twenty times, but you'll have to admit, the meatloaf was a little overdone."


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

No. That is an excuse to justify what she did..


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

f1r3f1y3~

Bear in mind there's affair-fog justification...and there's that kernel of truth in there. 

In real life, if this was bothering her so much, the way to solve the problem was not to have an affair. That choice is clearly, 100% her responsibility, and she will justify doing what she knows is wrong by magnifying past things you did that hurt her. 

BUT I bet you money there is a small kernel of truth in there. When you marry someone, you promise to give them 100% of your affection and loyalty. Well if another female is calling you "honey" and "babe" and ending messages with kisses, then guess what? You are giving some small bit of your affection to another woman. My guess is that over time each one of those little messages felt like a little stab to her heart. My guess is that each one felt like you were choosing someone else over her. And my guess is that as time went on and you didn't stop, she eventually was stabbed enough times that she sort of gave up and right about then thought, "Well he does it so I guess there's no harm in flirting just a little with <OM's name>." 

And that little crack was all it took to allow the affair in to kill your marriage. 

Thus, in your next marriage, I'd dedicate 100% of your affection and loyalty to your spouse only. When your old female friends write you like that, respectfully ask them to call you by your first name as you are married now and it does not give respect and honor to your wife to have affectionate names with anyone other than her.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

People have affairs for many reasons, none of which really justify the action itself. There is no excuse for cheating. Whatever is going on, if you are so unhappy in your relationship that you feel the need to be with someone else, then you should end the relationship so that you are free to be with someone else. 

I do know that jealousy can cause a lot of problems. If one partner is constantly jealous and accusing their partner of cheating, the accused partner may eventually get fed up and actually cheat, because they feel "well, if I'm going to be accused and punished for it, I might as well actually do it". Does that make it right? Of course not. So, she might say "Well, I was afraid you would cheat with them, so I beat you to it", but that doesn't make it any more right. 

I will say, though, that I would be bothered by female friends calling my boyfriend hun, babe, or something along those lines, and it would cause problems for us if he knew that and didn't make an effort to make them stop. However, I wouldn't cheat. I would simply sit down with him and say, "Honey, I don't mind you have female friends. But I do mind them using terms like hun, babe, etc., that I feel are only appropriate for us to use for each other. This makes me uncomfortable, please make them stop." At that point, I would expect him to go to them, and tell them, "You calling me X is making my girlfriend and I uncomfortable. Please stop or we won't be able to talk anymore." If he didn't, I would feel that he doesn't place much importance on our relationship and that would make me wonder. So I do think, in the future, you may want to be proactive and put a stop to things like that.


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## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

Many thanks for the replies. I've read them and thought a lot about this.

The biggest problem in our marriage was that she didn't tell me what was making her unhappy at the time, it is only now I am finding out about them. I am talking about 7 years of keeping quiet about things. I am sure she told me about some and I didn't listen properly but mainly, she just didn't mention any of it.

It is so strange that now, after all has been said and done, the truth is out and the anger has subsided, that she can tell me calmly about the problems. It is the first time she has talked to me like this ever.

She had never mentioned this jealousy issue before and she didn't say it to make an excuse for what she did. She was telling me things that she thought lead to the breakdown of the marriage and ultimately to her affair. This was one of many things.

I just wish she had told me all this when things started going wrong, a year ago. I don't even care about any of those girls, they're not even close friends. Most of things she cites as being triggers for the marriage breaking down are not even big deals to me, all could have been fixed if she had communicated them to me and I had listened.


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## willzy (Aug 4, 2010)

turnera said:


> No. What a crock.


Exactly


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

f1r3f1y3 said:


> Many thanks for the replies. I've read them and thought a lot about this.
> 
> The biggest problem in our marriage was that she didn't tell me what was making her unhappy at the time, it is only now I am finding out about them. I am talking about 7 years of keeping quiet about things. I am sure she told me about some and I didn't listen properly but mainly, she just didn't mention any of it.
> 
> ...


Sure thing a lot of the reasons for her behaviour were your fault. If you believe that then you’ll believe anything she says.

Trouble is we have such a need to believe them, a very deep need. Plus if we’re a straightforward, honest person who fundamentally believes that the things we do in life are our responsibility and ours alone then we have a tendency to believe that others are the same.

But some people just do not accept responsibility for their own actions. Instead they lie, deceive, deny and blame someone else for their own behaviour.

Her behavioural decision was to cheat. She chose to cheat rather than to work with you on the problems in your marriage. The problems she felt may have been very real for her. Either way she cheated rather than working on them and now she’s laying the blame for her behaviour at your door.

Bob


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## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

Well I asked her why the marriage broke down rather than why she cheated. The cheating is unforgivable on her part and no-one including her is disputing that (anymore).

However I feel the need to know why our marriage broke down in the first place and I think I have some of those answers now. 

There are certainly things on my part I would do differenly in my next relationship.


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

sorry.. i think your wife statement is 100% of nonsense.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

f1r3f1y3 said:


> Well I asked her why the marriage broke down rather than why she cheated. The cheating is unforgivable on her part and no-one including her is disputing that (anymore).
> 
> However I feel the need to know why our marriage broke down in the first place and I think I have some of those answers now.
> 
> There are certainly things on my part I would do differenly in my next relationship.


It's very good that you are recognizing what you can do to improve yourself! You'll be much happier, and so will your future partner.


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