# How Strict on Custody ?



## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

My stbxw (who filed for divorce and has moved out) came up with the plan to swap off every other week with the 10 and 12 years olds (15 year old lives with me full time). We are supposed to do the switch at the end of school on Friday. I agreed to it - no problem - and have stuck by it

We have been doing it two and a half weeks and since that time she has really abused it - both over reaching her privileges and shirking her responsibilities.

On days when she can't take care of them she has them ride the bus to my house (without telling me) then she picks them up when ever its convenient to her. She moved out of the school district so they can't ride the bus to her house. I want my kids all the time and am happy to take care of them, but she needs to show some responsibility and take ownership of this divorce and her actions IMHO. If she can't take them to one of their school or sporting events she just dumps it off on me and tells me she is too busy. 

When it's my week, she has several times just come by and gotten on or more of them and taken them some place without telling me. I'm not happy about this. Some times I look around the neighborhood for them before I call her and ask if she has them.

My week with the two youngest ones starts this Friday at 3:30. She just told me a few minutes ago that she was planning on keeping them this weekend too so they can go see her sisters baby, who was born two weeks ago and lives just 90 minutes away. I told her this was my weekend, that I already had plans, that the youngest has football scrimmage he needs to go to and that next weekend would be the perfect weekend for going to see the baby because it will be her weekend and the kids don't have anything planned and the baby won't look any different then than it does now. Of course she starts to cry and tells me that it isn't fair and that she already had her heart set on seeing her sister this weekend (my weekend).

Good grief. Am I being mean or inflexible by thinking that she needs to stick more closely to the plan? If she has to go out of town I am happy to keep them but I knew it was going to end up going this way. This is why I don't want her to live next to me like she wants to.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

You are right. If you've agreed to a schedule, she needs to stick with it.

Reinforce this with her. If you are still in the process of divorcing, make sure you keep a journal or something to document this stuff. If things are amicable so far, tell her you'll fight for full custody if she can't stick to a schedule. If you've both already lawyered up - tell your attorney that the current arrangement is NOT working.

The real problem is that the kids need some stability. If YOU think its frustrating, imagine how they feel. Kids need structure.

Good luck...


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

I am documenting everything. I'm fighting one battle at a time. Right now we are working on our settlement. I am enduring her waffling with the kids and letting her do her thing but after everything is done in regards to the settlement and the divorce is final I will make it an issue (with lots of documentation). I was just curious to know if most people stick to their custody plans or if people just get lax with it. The crazy thing is this single parent thing every other week is going to be a big vacation for me because I have done so much the last two years after she got her job. For her it's going to be a major inconvience and an increase in workload from what she had before. We have two friends who got divorced and started out 50/50 custody but within a year the mom couldn't handle it or wanted to move closer to a boyfriend so gave up custody to the dad. People (even a couple of my wife's friends) are telling me that I might eventually end up with them most of the time. We'll see.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Mike188,

I get right to the point with your stbxw. Boo fricking hoo to her. She has absolutely no right to infringe on your time with your children without your absolute 100% agreement. And her comment about "not being fair" is a comment a child makes not an adult, it means I didn't get my way. Well she asked for this and as an adult she has to live with the consequences of her decisions and actions. 

Sharing the kids lives is one of those consequences. Is this agreement in writing? If it isn't now, you better get it into writing. 

Stopping by to pick up the kids without your knowledge is an absolute NO! 

And the reverse holds true as well, you have no right to plan things with or even for your kids on her time.

You handled the weekend thing well in my opinion since you already made plans of how you would spend time with them. I'm all about being flexible with my ex regarding my son; however, that is only after mutual agreement. Your stbxw's unilateral power trip needs to be nipped in the bud now or it will only get worse.

Just my two cents.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I think its reasonable to be flexible - but it has to be discussed and agreed upon. And it needs to go both ways.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Feelingalone said:


> Mike188,
> 
> I get right to the point with your stbxw. Boo fricking hoo to her. She has absolutely no right to infringe on your time with your children without your absolute 100% agreement. And her comment about "not being fair" is a comment a child makes not an adult, it means I didn't get my way. Well she asked for this and as an adult she has to live with the consequences of her decisions and actions.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Umm...he said it better...


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

Well $hi+. Both kids got off the bus at my house. She showed up at about 5:00 and took them, but not before unloading a little drama. As she was leaving I discovered that she was going to blow off the 10 year old's football practice and leave them with a mutual friend while she went out of town on an appointment with one of her agents. Not sure what time she would get back. An hour there, an hour back, an hour or two there. It would be about 9:00 or later probably. I told her that I would take him to practice. The middle one didn't want to stay at the other person's hose so he wanted to stay here too, so they both got out and went inside. Of course we had our usual discussion about me saying that if she had just stopped her seeking attention from other men and her saying that over the past two years that she has only said a couple questionable things and I am crazy and her saying that she did absolutely nothing wrong for the past year. I bring up several things she has doen in th epas year that wasn't good for our marriage and she denies it. I remind her about her text and FB conversations that go beyond what a married woman should be doing. She says it was nothing. I ask her if the man's wife would say it was nothing, She say no and starts screaming and crying and says stuff like "Oh great, I screwed up again according to you. That's all I her is how I screwed up. I can't be perfect all the time". I tell her that I never asked for anything near perfection and that I love her except for her disrespecting me and continuing to have inappropriate conversations with married men. She tells me she quit but that I can't see that. I remind her of other instances where she did things that were not right. She screams and cries. Blah blah blah. Every time I see her driving down the start I get sick because I know that I'm going to get a little bit of her drama. She left here sobbing and blubbering and went straight to our mutual friend's house down the street, probably to get sympathy. End result, I have the kids tonight (her week) and am taking one of them to football practice. I better get off of here. I have to make supper on short notice so that we can eat, get his gear together an be out the door by 6:30.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Mike188,

Stop bringing up the prior crap. In that regard you are acting like a child. Think of the kids before you do that. Even if they are inside they know. Everything right now has to be about the best interests of the kids.

Just be the bigger person and don't be a doormat. You were great right up until that point, then you lost it. You've got to control that again for the kids.

You can't control what she does. Just keep documenting, documenting, documenting.


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

Feelingalone said:


> Mike188,
> 
> Stop bringing up the prior crap. In that regard you are acting like a child. Think of the kids before you do that. Even if they are inside they know. Everything right now has to be about the best interests of the kids.
> 
> ...


I get sucked into it every time she comes over her. I have NEVER gone to her house and NEVER will. And she wonders why I do not want to build her a house next to mine. After she left the kids at 5:30 she went out of town with one of her agents. It eventually became clear that she was going to be late so I sent her a text saying that I was putting them to bed and that they could sleep at my house. She eventually showed up at 10:00 wanting the kids. I told her they were in bed. She wanted them anyway. She went back and the 12 year old was still awake so she told him to get up and get his stuff. She wen tin to get the 10 year old and he was already asleep so I convinced her to not wake him up. But of course she had to unleash some drama and emotion on me before she left. It's hard to avoid all of this when she just shows up and acts the way she does. I would be perfectly happy if she would just stay away and handle her responsibilities.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

RESTRAINING ORDER!!
--almost geez.
You gotta lay down the law, and let her knew the drama dont work and that you will have the courts issue a mental examination on her if she keeps acting "unfit".


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Yes it will be hard, no one said it was goiig to be easy. Since you don't have your parenting agreement in place, these episodes should be helpful in crafting that initial document. Now you realize how detailed you will have to be in that document to make it easier to deal with her.

Things such as -- no showing up at 10 pm after the kids are asleep for a transfer, first right of refusal if she can't be with the kids for a period of time and needs someone to watch them (she must come to you), no picking up kids on your time without your express prior written consent (yes I would do that with her), you will have to be very clear about holiday time, birthdays, father's day, etc., future moves.

It's sad to sit there and carve up your child's time, but it is an unfortunate by-product of divorce.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> Yes it will be hard, no one said it was goiig to be easy. Since you don't have your parenting agreement in place, these episodes should be helpful in crafting that initial document. Now you realize how detailed you will have to be in that document to make it easier to deal with her.
> 
> Things such as -- no showing up at 10 pm after the kids are asleep for a transfer, first right of refusal if she can't be with the kids for a period of time and needs someone to watch them (she must come to you), no picking up kids on your time without your express prior written consent (yes I would do that with her), you will have to be very clear about holiday time, birthdays, father's day, etc., future moves.
> 
> It's sad to sit there and carve up your child's time, but it is an unfortunate by-product of divorce.


I wouldn't have let her gain entry. What a friggen nut job. My ex tried to force my sick son to go for visit with him after kids got dropped off at my mom's because he failed to pick my daughter up from volleyball and school was closing. (son was with my mom because he was sick, daughter got dropped off at my mom's by friend when her dad was over half hour late). He made scene on street, police came, sent him on his way after $200 ticket for failure to display proper registration. Ughhh I tell you, with crackpots like that, unless you lay flat and say 'walk all over me' there is no way to avoid the conflict. 
Get parenting agreement in place and call cops on her when she snatches kids and social services when she ditches them. I CAN'T stand her!

ETA change locks. If you get called on it, it broke and you replaced it. Play dumb and give her key then if she forces issue where you could get in trouble. Tell kids not to allow her in saying you don't go into her house.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

"I CAN'T stand her". You're funny golfergirl. You should meet her in person. She is known to be high drama. Her friends refer to these episodes as going into "Amanda mode". One of her nicknames at work is Demanda. 

My 14 year old and I went out of town four weeks ago to one his dirt bike races. When we pulled into the driveway she came out crying and hugged me and said she has something to tell me. She told me that her parents had come up and they loaded up what they thought was hers and moved it to her new house (that her parents bought). Two weeks later we were going out of town Saturdsy night again so I changed the locks because I knew her parents were coming up again. If they had access a second time they might have cleaned me out. 

My oldest has a key but I'm reluctant to give my youngest kids a key because she will just take it and make a copy. I try to stay calm and not get drawn into the drama. Last thing I want is a scene and the cops called on me. Today at about 3:30 starts my week. There shouldn't be any reason for her to come over. The only time I should see her will be Monday night at a football game, if she comes. We'll see if she comes over. 

I shouldn't tell this, but her new house is just around the corner from my sister. My sister and my stbxw hate each other and have for 20 years. My sister has a remoter door lock for my wife's car and pushes the alarm/panic button every time she drive by her house.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

Week that didn't last long. My week started today at the end of school. At 4:00 she came over and talked the 12 year old into going out of town with her until tomorrow evening.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Mike188 said:


> Week that didn't last long. My week started today at the end of school. At 4:00 she came over and talked the 12 year old into going out of town with her until tomorrow evening.


Get agreement in place. Talk to kids about having plans and sticking to them. Get this done ASAP as she is totally mind f**king with your kids! They don't know if they're coming or going. If 12 year old had to be 'talked into' going, be his hero and don't let conversation start. Block her entrance and say it's your time she has to leave. Don't let her get at kids. If she keeps buttinf in, maybe they need a sitter or supervisor or need to go somewhere where she can't find them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

You might alos talk to the kids about not letting her in the house while you aren't there and going NC with her to set boundaries. It seems like she misses them and is using your generosity to not face the reality of what she has done.

GearHead


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