# What is Blameshifting?



## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

I keep seeing this term and don't quite fully understand it. 

Is it when the spouse blames you for the affair? Is it when the spouse tries to make it seem like you can't understand something so its all your fault? Is it like they are saying they tried to talk to you but you (for whatever reason they give) now deserve whatever you get?

Can someone explain this please? Thanks.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

"I wouldn't have strayed if you (insert whatever here)."


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

asia said:


> Is it when the spouse blames you for the affair? Is it when the spouse tries to make it seem like you can't understand something so its all your fault? Is it like they are saying they tried to talk to you but you (for whatever reason they give) now deserve whatever you get?


Yes.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

It's when a cheater opens their mouth and bile and feces come out.

As Disenchanted beat me to the punch, it's a wayward spouse's method of trying to save face and perhaps level the playing field. 

Only the most delusional people (we have a couple of those) feel that they are justified in an affair, so most have to settle for not validating it, but rather qualifying it. Explaining it. My ex said that she kept her affair from me because she was afraid I'd hit her (though I had never hit or threatened to hit her in the 11 years we were together). 

It happens because cheaters can't come to terms with who they are. So they have to reinterpret and redefine what they've done.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Blaming your spouse/partner for your affair or other heinous behavior.

"I cheated because:

You weren't affectionate enough.
I thought you cheated first.
You never wanted to have sex.
I didn't think you liked me.
Our sex life was boring.
You never took me anywhere.
You never made me feel sexy/attractive/good/special/smart etc.
You pushed my buttons and I exploded.
You don't talk to me anymore.
You spend too much time with the kids.
You're never there for me when I need you.
You don't help around the house.
You gained/lost weight."

Any other excuses.


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

Ok so where does this blameshifting come from? 

Is it from shame and knowing they are wrong yet unable to admit it or they simply can't handle what they have done to you?

Can ignoring (it, you, the issue at hand) be considered blameshifting by not dealing with it?

True remorse is when they open completely up and do what it takes, whether you take them back or not. So is it safe to say that blameshifting means they don't want the marriage?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Here is an example "If he/she had not seen need with my lover, they would not be upset. So it is their fault they are upset."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

asia said:


> Is it from shame and knowing they are wrong yet unable to admit it or they simply can't handle what they have done to you?


Yes.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

asia said:


> Ok so where does this blameshifting come from?
> 
> Is it from shame and knowing they are wrong yet unable to admit it or they simply can't handle what they have done to you?
> 
> ...


I think it depends on the WS. Sometimes it's a defense mechanism. They know what they did and why they did it and that it was 100% their choice to cheat but finding ways to make it your fault eases their burden of carrying that guilt. 

Others are just that clueless to think that their happiness, behaviour, choices etc. are completely dependent on the actions and behaviours of others. They deny responsibility for themselves and try to take a passive stance in life. Even if something legitimate did happen to them, they take no responsibility for their actions that superseded and made worse, the original trauma. ("I do drugs because I had a bad life, derp, derp, derp." "I failed the class because my teacher gave me a bad grade.") These people are perfect at playing the victim/martyr when things go awry and don't take responsibility when bad things happen or they do bad things. 

I don't agree with your definition of true remorse. You can be remorseful for something while not wanting to reconcile. For instance, when I was sixteen, I moved out of my friends home. She was a much older woman and loved me as a daughter so me leaving broke her heart. I even loved her as a mother figure (my own mom died when I was thirteen) but I loved my ex at the time and wanted to move with him instead. As much as I love her and am sorry for the hurt that I caused her by moving out, I would never move back in with her even if she offered. I'm an adult now living by my own rules. I can't change what I did but I do feel bad for hurting her when I moved.

I think remorse is when you empathize with the hurt that you caused. You put yourself in the other person's shoes and genuinely feel a semblance of the pain that they must have felt when X happened or you did X. It makes you feel compassionate for the other person, understanding of them and it is the basis of which a true apology can be made. 

It's also not accurate to say that people that blame-shift don't want to remain married. Many people are also selfish enough to want to stay in a marriage and reap the benefits of that without doing the work to help their marriages, selves and spouse heal after an affair. However, I do think it's safe to say that if someone is blame-shifting you for their actions, choices and behaviours, they are not truly remorseful. We are autonomous, sentient creatures - not robots. You are never responsible for someone else's thoughts, feelings, behaviors, choices or actions. The saying that "You can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink." is also true for negative behaviours.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Here is an example "If he/she had not seen need with my lover, they would not be upset. So it is their fault they are upset."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



"If you didn't snoop, through my things you wouldn't be hurting right now."


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

asia said:


> Ok so where does this blameshifting come from?
> 
> Is it from shame and knowing they are wrong yet unable to admit it or they simply can't handle what they have done to you?
> 
> ...


The root of it is not wanting the consequences.

It can be they want to eat cake - meaning to have the wife and the current affair, or the next one, if they can convince the wife it is her fault.

If you can convince her it was her fault then you also don't have any amends to make. You might get her to try even harder to keep tou. 

Ignoring is not blame-shifting. It is evading responsibility though. That's why you have to present choices they can't ignore. Like "I am filing for divorce if you refuse to deal with this honestly".


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Ignoring it would be what we call rug sweeping, brush all the dirt and details under the carpet where no one can see it, and pretend it never happened. That is a surefire recipe for disaster.


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

Thanks everyone for your replies. I am beginning to understand now a little better.

Not dealing with the pain you caused is pretty lame. I wonder if the pressures and reality of what they've done become too much for them to handle. They've done so many corrupt and selfish things that they can't mentally deal with it without having a breakdown. And I mean in other things too, like drug abuse and subsequent problems, just low down dirty things.

Sort of like "I am a bum, dirty, steal, abuse, lie, cheat but I NEED people to think/tell me I am a good person because that's what I want to be". But know deep down inside they are corrupt and know it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Where does it come from? It comes from human nature. Taking responsibility for your own actions is something that many people are unable to do - they haven't evolved past the 4 year old stage when they discovered lying in the first place. They live in a world where they're perfect and everyone else is wrong.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Hope1964 said:


> Where does it come from? It comes from human nature. Taking responsibility for your own actions is something that many people are unable to do - they haven't evolved past the 4 year old stage when they discovered lying in the first place. They live in a world where they're perfect and everyone else is wrong.


Yep... It's not my fault because _______(excuse)_____. It was their action though. It's very rare anyone can "make you" do something you wouldn't want to do. And that blameshift can be all over the place... "I wouldn't have spilled my wine if your plate wasn't in the way forcing me to put it there." It's never their fault and always "the perfect storm" bull.

It's a fantastic way for you to feel "less bad" about the bad thing you did when you spread out the responsibility.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

May dog ate my homework.
That simple. There're people incapable to own their stuff, to accept the responsability of their actions. The will put the blame in the spouse, the bad marriage, the AP, toxic friends, a MLC, the global warming... whatever.


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