# Fifteen years - and now ...



## Henry in Edinburgh (Jun 11, 2009)

First post. Please be gentle.

My wife and I have been together for fifteen years. I love her dearly - at least I think I do - and I can't imagine life without her. Over the past few months, though, I have slumped into a depression. I'm now in counselling. While it's early days, I think I'm making progress. It's slow, though, and I'm impatient - and really tired of all this weeping.

I'm not sure where to begin. My wife and I get on really well; we enjoy each other's company and are comfortable talking to each other. She is affectionate. We kiss, hold hands and say "I love you". We rarely argue, and like to make each other laugh.

So what's wrong? Initially, sex was quite thrilling (Isn't it always?); I still remember trembling with anticipation whenever she climbed into bed. For several years after that, things were perfectly acceptable. But eventually I discovered that, although a willing partner, my wife was rather indifferent to intercourse and said she had a low sex drive. It's now reached a point where I can't remember the last time we did it. That's not really her fault, though: while she is still a willing partner, I have entirely lost my libido.

There is a complication - namely X, the woman who sits next to me at work - who is happily married and not the slightest bit interested in compromising things with me, but who made the mistake of telling me she liked me as a friend - and to whom I now find myself physically attracted. I'm no stranger to such unrequited feelings - the list of girls and women who have expressed even the slightest interest in me is very short indeed - so you think I could handle this. But now, at this point in my life, it looks like I can't. I think about her far more than is good for me.

Am I at a funny age? Once in a while, X and I would go out for lunch, and it was obvious we enjoyed each other's company; the conversations were substantial and pleasant and I really liked her smile. Then came my mistake. On a lunch date two months ago, after X had said something decidedly unflattering about herself, I found myself telling her that I thought she was attractive. Then, stupidly, I added "surely you know I have something of a crush on you". I told myself this was merely an attempt to further boost her ego. But it was probably something else altogether.

What was I thinking? And, moreover, what was I expecting to happen? Thoughts of an affair – in particular, the pain it would bring to the innocent parties – were enough to send me into a cold sweat. I would become the type of man I most despise. And yet, had X invited me back to her home, I doubt if I could have resisted. But as I say, the affection is unrequited. There have never been any winks or nods nor any suggestive conversation. X is naturally friendly, not flirty; I am merely one of several male friends.

The two of us still talk - we have to, sitting as close to each other as we do at work - and though we may have pulled back the from intimacy of earlier conversations, there is still a little kidding and laughter. X has never given any indication that I have offended or upset her. She may even have forgotten what I said. But we have never discussed it. And we haven't been to lunch since.

But here is the heart of the matter. I find myself almost repulsed by the usual affectionate advances of my wife. I hug her as I would a sister or a grandmother. I kiss her only briefly and feel uncomfortable looking at her for any length of time. And I hate myself - absolutely hate myself - for feeling this way.

Just this week, it occurred to me that my wife is now about the same age as my mother was when she died. Though she is ten years older than I am, that never seemed to matter. Perhaps it does now. Her hair has gone grey; she has put on a little too much weight. She is nothing like the woman I first met - and, yes, I am not the same man. But her sexual needs are apparently a lot less than mine.

Naturally, I've been through all this with the counsellor. She has wondered whether it is really X that I'm after or a merely sexual encounter - if not with X, then with Y or Z, whoever they might be. I know she is right. These days, I find it hard to speak to any attractive woman without feeling depressed, without saying to myself "this is what might have been". X was the nearest target.

I am resigned to having lost X as a close friend. I cry about this almost every day. Though we still work next to each other and are on cordial terms, we no longer share our emotions and the more detailed parts of our lives. My wife knows about X - she approves of our friendship, the way I do of her male friends - and knows I'm in therapy. But she has little idea of what's going on inside my head. 

I am 47. Part of me thinks what I'm going through is just a phase - a mid-life crisis, if you insist - and that if I grit my teeth and bury myself in my work, it will pass. But another part of me thinks my marriage might be over - that while I can still be close friends with my wife, I might need someone more compatible sexually. But I have never ended a relationship before (my first wife walked out on me after nine years) and cannot imagine having to start again. At the same time, I'm not sure how much more weeping I can stand.

I've been to my GP for tests; nothing suggests my issues are physical. The counselling is going slowly. Days are just things to get through just now. And my biggest challenge is getting through the workdays without bursting into tears - and getting through the weekends without thinking about X. I'm not on any medication (I tried some but it didn't work) and I don't think it's wise for my employer to know too much about my condition.

So what do I say to my wife? She is a sensitive - which is partly what attracted me to her - but is very conscious of her advancing age. There is being honest with someone, and there is badly hurting their feelings. And what - if anything - do I say to X beyond "good morning" and "I'm fine"?


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## Ted (Mar 2, 2009)

Henry,

I am very sorry for the state you find yourself in. I wanted to ask you a question. You said that your wife knew about X, but doesn't really know what's in your head. Does that mean she knows X exists and that you are friends, but that she does not know you have these feelings inside?

If that is the case I'm going to offer some advice that is only my opinion, and others may disagree with. I think you need to tell her you've been struggling with your sex life and state of the marriage to the point you are fantasizing about X.

This will of course be painful for your wife to hear, and there may be repercussions for you. But in the long run I think it is better for her to know the truth and realize the status quo is not working. (She may not even be fully aware of how serious the situation is for you, and may become much more active in trying to resolve what ever these issues are in your intimacy.) She is better off knowing the truth, because you can't fix what you don't know is broken. 

The second thing that telling her does is taking this fantasy out of your head and putting it out there in the light. My guess is that the counselor is right...you are fantasizing about anyone who would fulfill this sexual need. I may be wrong, but I've read in several books that this act of confession, _before an affair_ occurs can reduce some of the "grass is greener" syndrome. (if nothing else you will have to deal with seeing the pain you would cause.)

All of that is to say, be honest. Be open. I really think your marriage could end up being stronger if you both can work this out. 

Good Luck


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Nevermind the current circumstances. Take the mess, the wife, the co-worker and assume none of them have any more priority than the other.

What do you want?


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

"What do you want?" is a great question. Ask it to yourself without injecting judgment or "shoulds".

However, there's no blood test for depression, so just because your GP said he didn't "find anything", he just meant that your general health is fine. Your brain chemistry can still be disrupted, resulting in depression. Or, you're going through a transitional phase in your life as well all do.

One thing that confused me about your post is that you seem to blame your wife for the sex going sour, however, you also mention that it is your libido that has declined so much that you don't remember when the last time you had sex was.

It seems like her being 10 years older has become a real issue ... and that makes sense since you've exited that transition phase of 30's and 40's. You are 47, she's 57. That can be a big difference physically, that may not have been obvious when you were 37 and she was 47.

Having said that, it doesn't appear from your post that you are giving her a fair shot. Some of the things you mention are fixable and why not let her know you want her to fix them and give her the chance before you leave her. She can lose weight, she can dye her hair and she can work on her libido, as it seems you need to work on yours.

How is the relationship outside of sex? Is this all about attraction and sexual sparks (which are HUGE deals in the marriage, of course) or are you having any other issues?


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## swflboy20 (Jun 13, 2009)

If you find yourself lacking direction, a man who helped me immensley is Dr. Raymond Force with Hitting Home counseling. He has some great insight into common marital issues... visit Christian Marriage, Family, Parenting, and Youth Speaker for more info.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Ted said:


> Henry,
> 
> I am very sorry for the state you find yourself in. I wanted to ask you a question. You said that your wife knew about X, but doesn't really know what's in your head. Does that mean she knows X exists and that you are friends, but that she does not know you have these feelings inside?
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree: Telling her gives her an idea of what the heck is going on with you. She is your partner in life, and she deserves the right to know what is going on in your mind. Many spouses think they can "handle" this life changing stuff alone. You were lucky in that your co-worker did not take you up on your "advances". This may be a blessing.

It is better to tell a spouse BEFORE an affair gets started, because it gives your spouse a "fighting chance" to work through this as a couple, with you. Otherwise, if you had an affair FIRST and then told her she would feel betrayed.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

I admire how in touch you are with what is inside your head and heart. Good luck, you seem very much caring for your wife, but the loss of sex life has you bummed. You two can change that but she needs to know there is an issue and you can give her tips on what is "wrong". 

While I believe all of us do age and gain weight, we still need to make a sincere attempt to be physically attractive to our spouse.


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## Henry in Edinburgh (Jun 11, 2009)

Thanks very much for your comments, everyone. They've given me a lot to think about.

Yes, my wife knows X and I are friends. She knows we have gone out for lunch together. She even knows that I find her physically attractive. We are very honest with each other. But, as I say, there is honesty and there is hurting someone. I don't know if this is just a phase I should keep quiet about or time for a painful discussion that cannot be put off any longer.

I am scared.

I don't want to have an affair. I want to remain faithful to my wife. I know it is not possible to have an affair with X. I have fantasies, of course - the way men do over attractive women - but this one seems a little less implausible. Something to discuss with the counsellor, I suppose.

The lack of sex is down to me, not my wife. I didn't mean to imply it was her fault; she is always a willing participant. I cannot manage an erection of any kind just now - for her, for anything else (X included). The tests haven't come back from the doctor's, and I'm hoping they'll prove conclusive, one way or another. Blaming my wife for my libido problem doesn't seem fair.


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## Henry in Edinburgh (Jun 11, 2009)

It was a rough weekend. In a drunken confession - from an angry man - I told my wife that she was now about the same age as my mother when she died, and that it felt to me at times as though I was living with her. I know: what a class act, eh? And I'm afraid that set the tone for the weekend. By Sunday I couldn't wait to go to bed, and a big part of me was hoping never to wake up the next day. I was too depressed to discuss anything with anyone.

On Monday morning, X observed me texting a few long messages to a good friend about what had happened. "You must be having an affair with someone," she joked. "I think that's the problem," I said. And I started to talk about what was happening to my marriage. I don't know how great an idea that was, but as X and I had been drifting apart as friends and part of my depression is rooted in the fear that I had lost a friend, I thought it was for the best. And I now am more certain that X is a friend. We went over what happened during our last lunch date, and it's clear I had made a bigger deal about it than she had. I asked her to have lunch with me again, and I think we will. And no, I can't wait.

That night I finally had a long chat with my wife. It worked out really well. She is keen for X and I to remain friends, and though I tried to explain that my feelings for X are unrequited, she warned me that that might not necessarily be the case. Fair enough, I guess. Most of the evening, though, we talked about our marriage, about how things had changed and how we had to work harder to stay together. I didn't dwell on the mother thing, but she accepted my points of view with far more grace than I had a right to expect. The most important question I asked - and which was asked of me by the therapist - is whether what we have is a proper relationship or just a good friendship. Neither of us gave an answer. We said we would think about it carefully. 

Uppermost in my mind just now is that the ten years that separate my wife and I have never seemed so great as they do now. We have vowed to work harder at improving our relationship, particularly with regard to sex, which won't be easy. But it's now difficult for me to work up any enthusiasm for her physically. I hate myself for this, for thinking more about X than about her - and becoming the kind of man I always used to despise. 

Tonight's session with the therapist could be interesting.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

It is never as far of a fall as anyone imagines.


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## Henry in Edinburgh (Jun 11, 2009)

What do you mean by this? Please tell us more.

I played tennis at my local club last night - the need to concentrate and scramble around a court for a few hours works wonders for my depression. At the time time, though, I found myself distracted by one of the ladies at the club, and began to entertain fantasies about her - of the type I normally reserve for X.

My therapist would probably think "I could have told you so ... it's not necessarily X you're after." The strange thing is, though, I felt almost relieved by this, knowing that my problems are not to do with X but with my perception of my marriage. I slept very well last night and, coming into work this morning, was able to get through the entire journey without tears - the first time I've done that in weeks.

At the same time, though, I seem to expect that regaining my libido - however I manage to do it - will save my marriage. I want so much for someone to say, "look, stupid, it'll come back once you regain your form; your wife will be everything she's always been to you". What has made me weep - among other things - is the fear of someone saying instead "Hah! Welcome to the real world, pal. Wives get older and uglier, and you just have to suffer the consequences."


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I said that in reference to this line that you wrote:



> ... becoming the kind of man I always used to despise.


My wife and I had significant intimacy issues. On one occasion where the expectation had been set for an evening of intimacy only to see her look of obligatory annoyance and disinterest when the opportunity arose - absolutely set me off. I looked right at her and said: " I absolutely understand why people have affairs."
The kicker was, she decided to beat me to the punch.

I would be hard pressed to believe anyone married for a significant period of time that claimed to never have had sexual thoughts about someone other than their spouse, or possibly entertain the idea of an extramarital relationship, sexual or otherwise.

As for fantasizing about women other than your wife at this point? In terms of obtaining or regaining a sense of comfort with your sexuality, fantasizing is a good thing. I recall hearing a therapist on a radio show years ago actually stating that he would give an exercise to consciously imagine being sexual with anyone that caught your eye. The point of the exercise isn't about screwing everyone and anyone but simply training your mind to become more
open and at ease with the notion of sex and sexuality.


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## Henry in Edinburgh (Jun 11, 2009)

Thanks for posting.

>> In terms of obtaining or regaining a sense of comfort with your sexuality, fantasizing is a good thing. I recall hearing a therapist on a radio show years ago actually stating that he would give an exercise to consciously imagine being sexual with anyone that caught your eye. The point of the exercise isn't about screwing everyone and anyone but simply training your mind to become more open and at ease with the notion of sex and sexuality. <<

I'm wondering whether this is the issue with me. Part of my fantasies involve getting to know other women, and the thought of developing a relationship with them. Wanting them to become attracted to me. Flirting, I guess. (I've never knowingly flirted with someone; I'm not even sure I'd know how to do it.)

In the lift this morning, a woman entered and I spent the whole time thinking about whether I'd like to get to know her. That doesn't feel very healthy to me.

I will have another conversation with my wife this weekend and see what develops.

I'm sorry to hear what happened regarding your own relationship. Have you and your wife come to terms with what happened? And have you resolved your intimacy issues?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

> I'm sorry to hear what happened regarding your own relationship. Have you and your wife come to terms with what happened? And have you resolved your intimacy issues?


We have come to terms. We are divorcing.


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## Henry in Edinburgh (Jun 11, 2009)

I see.

Things have moved on with me. Last week I had another chat with my GP and he asked me a number of questions related to my depression. As a result of our discussion, he prescribed Mirtazapine (15 mg), which I've been on for just about a week now. It seems to have made a big difference - I've not really wept at all and am sleeping more soundly, although I'm wondering whether it's coincidental that I've developed cold-like symptoms the day after I took my first pill and haven't been able to shake them. I also feel rather droopy most of the time, as if nothing - good or bad - seems to matter that much. But I can live with that for now.

The counselling is also helping. I think the two things, taken together, have been really useful. One of the big questions bouncing around in my head is just how strong my marriage is, whether I've been sleepwalking through it for the past few years and just written off sex as something undertaken only by young people in love.

In my head, I have managed to build up a fairly unedifying picture of my wife - and I've also said a lot of fairly unpalatable things to her that she is probably still trying to digest. I say "probably" because she told me she's reluctant to talk things over with me because I've been moody, which makes her uncomfortable. I can't fault her for that; I know I'm not myself.

The good thing - at least I suppose it's good - is that I'm not thinking as much about X as I used to, and the times I've pined for her attention are very few. We have been cordial and civil to each other at work, but the text messages between us have all but dried up, and we no longer seem able to communicate on a more intimate level. I miss this, of course, but I'm hoping that kind of conversation might eventually return when I'm more able to handle it.


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