# He has never asked me a question



## Willowlake (Mar 18, 2014)

Hi all. I'm having trouble with my marriage. In between feelings of wanting to leave and a desire to try and give our relationship more time...I sit here and think. I think and think and think, trying to figure things out.

Yesterday I realized something after reading the "What is romantic love?" thread. I had been trying to come up with my own answer to that question and that's when I realized that my H has never asked me anything. I have no memories of him asking anything about me.

When you first meet someone and begin to get to know them you do so by conversing with them and asking them questions about their life/beliefs/opinions etc. At least that's how I am. I did so when I first met H. After meeting his family I asked them lots of questions too, trying to learn about his families history and who is who etc.

You continue this information gathering process with people in your life through out the years, that's how you stay connected to someone. It's also what lets you know how this person is doing, if this persons opinions have changed over the years etc.

H has never asked me about my mom or dad or my siblings. He's never asked me about where I grew up and what life was like for me growing up. He's never asked about my years in high school. If I were to ask him what town I grew up in he wouldn't be able to answer. 

This hasn't changed in 20 years. No questions, ever, about anything pertaining to me. He doesn't know what I believe on so many topics. We've had a couple of huge/scary events over the past 5 or so years and he's never asked if I'm OK. He's never asked what I thought about these events. One of these events was a medical event pertaining to me and he never once asked me anything about it. It was a big scare and I'm still experiencing symptoms from it but he has no idea. I stopped mentioning my symptoms a while back because he wouldn't say anything, he just sits there looking at me in silence then turns away or changes the subject. I can take a hint that glaringly obvious, so I stopped talking about it. 

I always felt like there was so much missing between us. Something was missing, and I think I've found it. 

I know a lot about him and his past and what he thinks of things, I ask. I talk and ask questions whenever I need to understand something or someone. He does not. He knows very little about me, so how can he love me?

When you love someone, what is it about them that you love? If there is all kinds of information about that person that's unknown, both past and present information, then what is it that you love about them? I'm having a very difficult time understanding how love is possible in this situation.


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

Since you do all the asking , then ask him a few simple questions.

Do you know what my favorite color is ? 
What is my favorite food ? 
What town did I grow up in ? 

I thought my husband once never knew anything about me. Turn outs he never had to ask anything because I talk a lot about everything, he never had to ask because I had already told him. If he truly doesn't know then ask him if he could get to know you better because you feel like you are so into him and he doesn't even know you at all.


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## Willowlake (Mar 18, 2014)

Hi TurtleRun- 

Yes, if H knows anything about me it's because he picked it up from something I said at some point in time. I'm the quiet type so I don't actually talk a whole lot unless something is going on. But I will get talkative around someone interesting or when I'm trying to get to know someone. Otherwise I'm the fly on the wall.

I feel like he's not really interested in me and never has been. I feel that any interest he has is coming from his desire to be married and be a father. Sort of like what's on the inside of the wife doesn't matter just as long as he's got a wife. Or what's on the inside of the kids is not as important as the fact that he has kids...which is what he wanted.

I don't know if I'm making sense.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

How long did you date? What did you talk about then?


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

You are making perfect sense.Is it something like you wish he just initiates the interest instead of having to tell him anything. I had that problem with my husband. I just learned he isn't much of an asker he is more is a listener. Actually I have problems with him taking the lead on a lot of things but lately (like this month) he been better at it once I explained what I thought were problems and I was tried of feeling I was the one carrying the relationship.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

My husband never asked me/asks me anything either. I blame it on how he was raised. 
He wouldn't know anything about me if I didn't offer up that information. 

Once I accepted it as part of who is he and stopped using it as a way to say he didn't love me enough or wasn't interested in me enough I felt better.

ETA Your situation sounds way more hurtful though since it involves lack of questioning about health issues. Dh always checks on me in that regard.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Willowlake said:


> This hasn't changed in 20 years. No questions, ever, about anything pertaining to me. He doesn't know what I believe on so many topics. We've had a couple of huge/scary events over the past 5 or so years and he's never asked if I'm OK. He's never asked what I thought about these events. One of these events was a medical event pertaining to me and he never once asked me anything about it. It was a big scare and I'm still experiencing symptoms from it but he has no idea. *I stopped mentioning my symptoms a while back because he wouldn't say anything, he just sits there looking at me in silence then turns away or changes the subject.* I can take a hint that glaringly obvious, so I stopped talking about it.


To me, the bold is the really big red flag in your story. It's not simply that he doesn't ask. He also, apparently, doesn't want to hear about it. This, in my opinion, is a pretty classically emotionally unavailable man. 

Would he be willing to go to MC with you?


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## Willowlake (Mar 18, 2014)

karole said:


> How long did you date? What did you talk about then?



Probably stuff that most 19 yo's talk about. 

We didn't know what "stuff of substance" was back then, so we couldn't have talked out anything to deep. We were both so lonely back then that I don't think anything could have torn us away from each other. I think that's why we connected, we had lonliness in common.


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## Willowlake (Mar 18, 2014)

TurtelRun and Scarlett-

Maybe some of men are just naturally like this, I don't know. I just think that showing interest is a big part of showing that genuine care/concern/love is present. I know some people are the silent type and have a hard time expressing themselves which might include not asking about others. Perhaps your husbands show their interest in other ways? Can you share a little about that?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I don't get it, he has never asked you a question or made effort to get to know you "proper"

Yet you married this man/he is your husband?


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## Willowlake (Mar 18, 2014)

Rowan said:


> To me, the bold is the really big red flag in your story. It's not simply that he doesn't ask. He also, apparently, doesn't want to hear about it. This, in my opinion, is a pretty classically emotionally unavailable man.
> 
> Would he be willing to go to MC with you?


That's what I'm suspecting too. I just never noticed before. I guess I was to busy focusing on kids and everything else. But even if I had been unwittingly pushing him away by focusing on so much and not as much on him I would think a medical scare would have brought him out of that shell at least temporarily.

One other thing that I think plays a role is that he is a big attention seeker. He loves being in the spotlight. I don't know if maybe he feels like I'm trying to crowd the stage so to speak when I talk about myself. He can be childish about some things.

MC is starting this week. I think I'm beginning to lean toward wanting to do IC instead. I think we both probably have a lot to get off our chests and for me I think I'd be more comfortable starting out by myself.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Willowlake said:


> TurtelRun and Scarlett-
> 
> Maybe some of men are just naturally like this, I don't know. I just think that showing interest is a big part of showing that genuine care/concern/love is present. I know some people are the silent type and have a hard time expressing themselves which might include not asking about others. Perhaps your husbands show their interest in other ways? Can you share a little about that?


Oh I totally agree with how you feel about it. When I say I accept it as part of who he is,it's not without internal conflict for me on occasion lol

I think it is easier to accept bc he so obviously cares deeply for me. 
He texts me throughout the day,he's affectionate,he's very fair during decision making and the occasional disagreement,and he's very open to suggestions on how he can be a better husband. If I didn't get all that from him I doubt I'd be able to deal with his lack of questions. 

If you get most of your big needs met by your partner it's much easier to deal with not getting the smaller needs met. You sort of have to prioritize your needs bc I think it's literally impossible to have a partner who meets 100% of them perfectly.


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## Willowlake (Mar 18, 2014)

DoF said:


> I don't get it, he has never asked you a question or made effort to get to know you "proper"
> 
> Yet you married this man/he is your husband?


Yep, I was nineteen and ignorant, didn't know a whole lot about relationships. This was 22 years ago.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Willowlake said:


> Yep, I was nineteen and ignorant, didn't know a whole lot about relationships. This was 22 years ago.


Well, at that point, back then......and with his youth, he probably wouldn't know what questions to ask (to his defense).

I'm pretty sure he know plenty about you and some. Probably more than any other human being on this planet.

It's unfair to him to be considering all this 22 years into relationship to be honest. But for sure start communicating with him and express your feelings, he should consider those and work on it with you.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I have to admit, I don't ask many questions. I don't have to. I hear it anyway. Even if I start a topic, she'll tke the floor and make it all about her. Grrrrrr!


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## Willowlake (Mar 18, 2014)

Scarlett- 

Your H sounds like a good guy, you're lucky. 

That is part of my problem. I don't know if I really believe that my H loves me. I've gone over and over and over what love is in my mind for many years now and what I've come up with is sincere trust, respect and genuine interest. Everything else can be absent but not these three qualities. Everything else, if present, are a total blessing. I sometimes wonder if real love, in the way I define it, is rare.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

OP have you tried rekindle your love with your Husband? 

Date night? Day out? Drive.....etc

How about on the sexual/intimate way? Tried anything new etc?

It takes a LOT of work (on both parts) to keep the marriage going. Effort and lots of work is required.

Wondering if either of you are putting in the effort.


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## Willowlake (Mar 18, 2014)

DoF- things are not so good right now so we are taking baby steps. We normally go out for dinner about once a week. Sex is a major issue for us and may be what ends up sealing our fate. It's a big mess. Lots of hurt feelings and resentment. Baby steps.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Willowlake said:


> Scarlett-
> 
> Your H sounds like a good guy, you're lucky.
> 
> That is part of my problem. I don't know if I really believe that my H loves me. I've gone over and over and over what love is in my mind for many years now and what I've come up with is sincere trust, respect and genuine interest. Everything else can be absent but not these three qualities. Everything else, if present, are a total blessing. I sometimes wonder if real love, in the way I define it, is rare.


Sometimes,especially with women,our idea of "real" love is completely distorted. 
Your need for trust,respect,and genuine interest are not unreasonable though. Provided you give those things I see no reason why you can't expect those things in return.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Willowlake said:


> When you love someone, what is it about them that you love? If there is all kinds of information about that person that's unknown, both past and present information, then what is it that you love about them? I'm having a very difficult time understanding how love is possible in this situation.


His template of love and relationships is vastly different than yours. He does not value the same kinds of things you do in getting to know someone. He does not generate the same form of emotional bond or feeling of intimacy that you do.

This is not necessarily better or worse, but it is different. You cannot presume he thinks the same way you do, or that he has the same expectations or desires in a relationship that you do.


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

Willowlake said:


> TurtelRun and Scarlett-
> 
> Maybe some of men are just naturally like this, I don't know. I just think that showing interest is a big part of showing that genuine care/concern/love is present. I know some people are the silent type and have a hard time expressing themselves which might include not asking about others. Perhaps your husbands show their interest in other ways? Can you share a little about that?


My husband shows his interest by actions and not words. The thing is he is willing to do almost anything I ask without question. He is a "Yes honey" kind of guy. I asked him about it this weekend since I was feeling like everything is my way and why doesn't he have input ect. He said he just wants to keep my happy and he thinks that by keeping me happy I have to have everything be my decision without argument or question.... like how the house is decorated, he never questions the money I spend on household items or even just myself... He spoils me to death. He pretty much makes the money and lets me spend whatever without a thought and he doesn't buy much for himself. I told him I didn't want everything my way (how lonely is that?). I'd just like it if he had an input in anything at all.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Thor said:


> His template of love and relationships is vastly different than yours. He does not value the same kinds of things you do in getting to know someone. He does not generate the same form of emotional bond or feeling of intimacy that you do.
> 
> This is not necessarily better or worse, but it is different. You cannot presume he thinks the same way you do, or that he has the same expectations or desires in a relationship that you do.


:iagree:

using DH as an example, his concern was not about where I had been or what I had done so he never asked questions about my past. He determined who I was by the way I treated him and the way I made him feel. It's a different sort of "get to know you" track than the average person takes. 

Some people think closeness comes from being fact oriented about their partner "oh my wife takes her coffee like xyz and her tea like xyz." They think that's the stuff that shows you really know your spouse. They feel asking questions about a person will tell them all they need in order to establish intimacy.

Others feel differently. Like DH. He may not remember how I take my coffee but he knows my body language,he knows when I'm sleepy I become needy,he knows which touches I crave and which touches I could do without. To him,that is real interest and real intimacy.


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## Willowlake (Mar 18, 2014)

Thank you Thor! My question that you quoted is one that I'm trying really hard to understand. 

So perhaps, as an example, my H is in love with what I do instead of what I stand for, what I am? What my beliefs/opinions are? Perhaps he loves what I give in terms of physical action.

It's my beliefs/opinions, my thoughts on life, my history and it's evolution which he has witnessed but not noticed that he shows no interest in. It's everything about me. He was present the whole time but didn't notice any of it. Maybe he was to busy looking for what what it was I was doing instead.

I do most of my living in my mind, I think a lot about everything. I'm the type who is determined to figure life out. I'm very philosophically bent and he is not. We are very different.


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## Willowlake (Mar 18, 2014)

I'm still digesting some of the replies. I have to head out to work now but want to thank you all for your replies.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

When dating I have run across several women who never asked questions about me or my past...I take this as a serious they aren't interested. Couldn't imagine having any kind of relationship with anyone like that. I gather you were young when you married so not knowledgable about relationships, neither was I, but 22 years....why have you stayed so long?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

ScarletBegonias said:


> My husband never asked me/asks me anything either. I blame it on how he was raised.
> *He wouldn't know anything about me if I didn't offer up that information.
> *
> Once I accepted it as part of who is he and stopped using it as a way to say he didn't love me enough or wasn't interested in me enough I felt better.
> ...


 really? That's sad


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> really? That's sad


It isn't sad to me anymore. I made it a huge issue for a long time til I started seeing his idea of intimacy instead of trying to force my idea of what intimacy looks like onto him. 
We talk constantly and since I'm more fact oriented I ask tons of questions. He answers and then I offer topic oriented facts about myself and my views without resentment now.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

ScarletBegonias said:


> It isn't sad to me anymore. I made it a huge issue for a long time til I started seeing his idea of intimacy instead of trying to force my idea of what intimacy looks like onto him.
> We talk constantly and since I'm more fact oriented I ask tons of questions. He answers and then I offer topic oriented facts about myself and my views without resentment now.


That's cool then that you were able to make that work for both of you


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

My husband was taught that it is rude to ask personal questions. If someone wants you to know something, they'll tell you.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Willowlake said:


> DoF- things are not so good right now so we are taking baby steps. We normally go out for dinner about once a week. Sex is a major issue for us and may be what ends up sealing our fate. It's a big mess. Lots of hurt feelings and resentment. Baby steps.


How about doing the opposite of what you THINK.

Just pull his pants down and do your business....show him how much you love him! Think of man's ultimate way of wife showing them love.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Willowlake said:


> That's what I'm suspecting too. I just never noticed before. I guess I was to busy focusing on kids and everything else. But even if I had been unwittingly pushing him away by focusing on so much and not as much on him I would think a medical scare would have brought him out of that shell at least temporarily.


I don't understand how you only just noticed this after 20 years. 

And instead of first coming to this forum, how about first asking your husband why he never asks you any questions, even when you were sick? Without accusations, tell him that you are hurt that he seems totally incurious about your life and unconcerned about your health and well-being.


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