# need advice and understanding



## Strychnine (Feb 6, 2013)

So here's my story, I apologize for being vague on the locations. Until October of last year I was diagnosed and being treated for depression. In September the doctor started weening me off the drugs and by the end of October I was feeling like myself again.

Last November, the 11th to be exact, my wife informed me she wanted a separation. She told me that she would stay until christmas, but then she was gone. I was told ILYBINILWU. I pleaded with her to reconsider. she said her mind was made up, she needed time to think. After that she went to her parents house, "to think." I was unable at the time to give her the space she needed, I pretty much made every mistake that you can make. This ended up driving her further away from me. 

When she came back I was informed that she was moving in with her parents, which is out of state. I was crushed. The problem is that she travels for her job, and I was not comfortable with her parents "raising" my kids. Not that I don't think they are/would make wonderful parents, but it's not their job to raise my kids. So I left my home state and followed her.

Before she left she told me that she wanted January to think about things, and find herself. I agreed and I have not initiated contact with her since she left. This is where things get confusing for me. We have talked almost every night. When she calls to talk to the kids, she always asks to talk with me. Never about anything serious, but she wants to talk to me. When she's home on the weekends, she invites me out to spend time with her and the kids. I was even invited to an upcoming concert by my 16 year old daughter, only to find out it was my wife's idea. *Edit* my wife will be at the concert as well.

Well today I did something I'm not proud of, I went through her email. The issue is I found out that she's been having an emotional affair since at least November 10, possibly longer. I also found a receipt for lingerie and a plane ticket from a location not ours to the location where she is working. I'm sure that this week the affair turned from emotional to physical. 

So now I don't know what to do. I still love this woman, in spite of this affair. I need to confront her when she comes home on Friday, but I don't know what to say other than to ask her to stop the affair. I'm finding out that pretty much everything she has told me and her family is a lie. Everything she's done over the last 3 months is textbook midlife crisis. 

In the last 3 weeks I have become really close with her parents. for a long time I thought they didn't approve of me. I have found out recently that isn't true, just my own neurosis. The problem here is that they are the only ones I have to talk to. They are my support system right now. My family is worthless when it comes to anything more serious than the latest family drama. And I have destroyed every friendship I've had over the last couple of years because of the depression. Needless to say, her parents know about the affair, but they are the only ones, and I had no one else to talk to. 

I love her so much and I have made great strides in moving past this separation. i was finally able to distance myself from the situation and work on me. However, today I took a few steps back. I just don't know what to do at this point. I'd really like some objective third party advice and understanding here.


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

Let her go big man. Its hard to hear, but she was cheating on you. Look into doing the 180 on yourself. Its an old cliche and not really what you want to hear, but there ARE plenty of fish in the sea. And most of those fish are honest and sincere.

You, like me, married a selfish, childish, narcacist. Totally unable to forge a strong and understanding relationship. 

Find someone who ticks EVERY box, not just 1 or 2.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Strychnine (Feb 6, 2013)

I hear what your saying, and I have been trying to 180 myself. I was doing a good job until today. My problem is that even though she's cheating right now, I still love her. I would still welcome her back into my life.

I'm currently in the process of figuring out how to file for divorce in my state. I plan on asking her to end the affair, if she refuses she will lose everything. Based on her job, the affair, and the loser she's having the affair with, I'm not worried about custody. I'm fully committed to divorce, if that's the only option she presents me with. If she truly wants to be out of this marriage, I'm finally at a point where I can let her go.

But if she thinks she's going to take my kids out of this state for any reason, she's lost her mind. I've done a little research on the guy she's having the affair with. This guy is no good, and I don't think I'd have much trouble convincing a judge of that.

So yea, I've already let her go in my heart. If this is what she truly wants, I'll give it to her. But I need to believe that the selfless, caring woman I married is still in there somewhere.


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

Thats what i found hardest to take. The caring, gentle woman i fell in love with was no longer the same person. The sooner i came to terms with the horrible, selfish, b*tch that replaced her, the better i felt. 

Trust me fella, you'll find someone 100 times more suited to you. It will be hard because you have a child with her, so you just make sure you give that child all the love and support, but make sure your in a good enough place with yourself to do so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Strychnine (Feb 6, 2013)

Actually we have 3 kids, ages 2, 11, and 16. I'm ready to move on, but I have to be able to say I did everything to save my marriage. I'm only offering her a lifeline, if she chooses not to take it then so be it.

As far as moving on is concerned, that gets a little tricky for me. First of all the only reasons I find acceptable for divorce are abuse and adultery. She has violated that, which is why I;m ok with divorce in this case. The tricky part is that I'm pretty old -fashioned when it comes to my kids. Once the divorce is final I will start dating again, eventually. However, my kids will never know it. Any woman that wants to be with me will need to understand that my kids come first. My kids will not have a stepmother until the youngest is 18.

This is one of the core values that I believe in, and will not waver from. My kids should know that marriage is a serious commitment, not to be taken lightly. I chose one woman to marry, have kids with. They should know that if a marriage doesn't work that they come before mom or dad's social life, they become the priority. If my wife doesn't want to teach them this with me, then I will have to alone. 

I come from a broken home with many step fathers and mothers. When my oldest was born I swore she would never endure what I have.


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## Strychnine (Feb 6, 2013)

So I didn't get any sleep last night. I kept going over everything in my head, trying to figure it all out. Then about 3am I felt a calming peace wash over me. I had decided that when she gets home on friday I am going to confront her about this. I am going to ask her to stop the affair. I have decided that I can forgive her, if she is willing to end this stupidity and work through our problems. If she refuses to end the affair she will have divorce papers in her hand as quickly as I can get them there. 

This decision was calming for me because it allows me to start healing either way. That in and of itself is a relief. Though I have to say I still feel the gut wrenching pain and I cant get the picture of her with another man out of my head.

If she chooses to end the affair I think the road to healing will be longer, but it's a road I'm willing to travel. On the other hand, as I was taking my shower this morning, I found myself thinking of me as a single person. Now to just focus on being a good father while my wife plays "capture the youth".


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

all the best to you, strychnine!


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## Strychnine (Feb 6, 2013)

Thank you Lucy, I appreciate it.

So this afternoon I talked to my mother and father-in-law. This may sound a bit strange but they have been such a help through all of this. When I first moved I wasn't sure what kind of reaction I was going to get from them. It turns out that they have been my biggest supporters through all of this. They were actually in the room when I found all the emails, so they know whats going on. At least they know now, my wife has been keeping secrets from everyone.

Anyway, when I told him of my plan he took the time to make me understand that what I was about to do was a sure fire way to get a divorce. As soon as I hit her with all of the information her back would be against the wall and there would be no turning back. He explained that I only have one chance at this, if I want to save my marriage.

He explained that what I need to do is get her to come around to see what she is doing is destructive to herself and her kids. I'm not quite sure how to go about this, but he did give me some guidelines. Basically he says that now that I have control, I need to keep it. I need to get her to lower her defenses and get her to give as much detail as possible. 

I don't know what I'm going to do, I'll sleep and pray on it tonight. she may not be the woman I married right now, but I know that woman is in there. If there is any chance of saving this I have to try. My father-in-law was definitely right about one thing, if I make any mistakes during the conversation on Friday I may not get another chance.


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## StillLife (Jan 19, 2013)

First off, I'm really sorry Strychnine. Going through the same thing myself, so know that you're not alone. Before you even mentioned the part about finding out about the affair, I assumed from what you mentioned about her suddenly wanting to seperate what was going on.

Sounds like she's deep in an affair fog (read up on it, look around this board a while), like my wife was/is. She's in the land of make believe, where she's met this wonderful guy who is everything you aren't..only because there's no real familiarity there, only the initial excitement. 

I've been going through the same things you have, trying to believe the good natured woman I thought I married is still in there somewhere. Sadly, she isn't. Maybe she changed, or more likely she was never really what I imagined. Consider for a moment that you have projected that goodness on her, because maybe that's how you are and you just expected the same out of her.

It was a good move exposing the affair to her parents. I have read studies that show that affairs that come into the light often shrivel up and die fairly rapidly. It's hard to stay in a fantasy bubble when reality is pounding on your door. I would go ahead and confront her with what you know though. Just make sure you have all the evidence you could need, as she's probably likely to put her guard way up. Read a few threads in the Coping With Infidelity section of this board, and you'll see how eerily similar people who choose affairs behave...might give you more of the tools you need to deal with this. I know it has for me.

Good luck my friend.


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## Strychnine (Feb 6, 2013)

StillLife,

Thank you for your comments. I'm sorry that you, me, or anyone else has to go through this. I will definitely take your advice and look the other threads here on the site. But I cant give up hope, I believe in my the deepest parts of my soul that the woman I fell in love with is still in there. After all, you can only hide your true values for so long. We've been married for 12 years, you can't hide who you really are for that long.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

I'm very sorry to hear another starting down this hellish road. My wife of 11 years (we dated for 8) started a EA 3 years ago that turned into a PA, moved out of our house, then spent two years having affairs and refusing to come home, I finally divorced her last year.

My point is, sometimes people change. Even people you know very, very well. Especially women between 35-40 that have been in long-term committed relationships since they were young adults.

I really hope your situation turns out differently than mine did, but please take my advice and focus on taking care of yourself through this. Don't give up yourself out of hope for your wife/marriage.


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## Strychnine (Feb 6, 2013)

Dazedguy,

I didn't get any sleep last night. I kept going over everything in my head. Finally, at about 3am, I felt a calm peace flow over me. It was at that moment I realized that I could forgive her, if she's willing to put in the effort. I caught myself singing in the shower for the first time in months, and I actually smiled at myself. When I looked in the mirror and saw myself as an attractive man, I knew I was ready.

That was the turning point for me. I'm going to have the confrontation, hopefully calmly and rationally, with her on Friday night. After that I will give her until Sunday night to talk with me about this, though I'm not going to tell her. If she hasn't tried to make amends by then I am going to her house Sunday night to explain to here that I want absolutely NO contact with her for a while, possible a long while. I will let her know that if she want to try and make it work, she knows where I live. Because I live so close to my in-laws, and she's living with her parents I have the ability to NOT have contact with her. I will let her know that if she sends a text, if it doesn't contain anything about reconciliation, it will be ignored. If she calls I will hit the FU button. If I don't here from here by the time our "separation" was supposed to end, January 1, 2014, I will give her the divorce papers then.

I am ready to heal myself. I have read all of the emails between her and this loser, and I know that there is no way he is ever going to leave his wife. She needs to figure this out for herself. Every night I pray that she comes to her senses, but as of now, I am done waiting for her.


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## StillLife (Jan 19, 2013)

Strychnine said:


> StillLife,
> 
> Thank you for your comments. I'm sorry that you, me, or anyone else has to go through this. I will definitely take your advice and look the other threads here on the site. But I cant give up hope, I believe in my the deepest parts of my soul that the woman I fell in love with is still in there. After all, you can only hide your true values for so long. We've been married for 12 years, you can't hide who you really are for that long.


Hey, I understand...I really do. I have been holding out for the same thing throughout this process. Despite knowing getting away from her is ultimately the best thing for me, a little part of me has been clinging to the hope that my wife will come to her senses, listen to that good part I want to believe is inside of her that I fell in love with, and do the right thing and become driven to save the marriage. Hasn't happened yet, and I know it never will. The effort I would need from her is way more work than she would ever be willing to do anyway. I know you might be thinking, oh, but my wife is different...you don't really know her. And that's ok too.

I forgave my wife's first affair just 5 months ago, even though it was ultimately a questionable reconciliation from the get go. I wanted so badly to save our family and get out of the pain everything was causing me, that I got suckered again. 

That is something our therapist (in an individual setting) mentioned to me one time; how people have a tendancy to want the quickest way out of emotional pain that we can find. Focusing on how you can forgive her and start to move on probably seems like the most comfortable and quickest route to that, but the problem is, even if you did reconcile, there's a good chance you will just find yourself in this position again, facing even greater pain (like I am). 

I'm starting to realize that cheating is like a lot of other taboo things in society...once someone has gotten past that first barrier of doing it, they become far more comfortable with it. After a 2nd time? Probably only a small chance at that point that they won't do it again in the future. Kind of like an interview I remember seeing with some hitman a long time ago where he was talking about how difficult it was to kill his first victim, but then the 2nd time was a bit easier, and after that it was a walk in the park.

If you do want to try to save your marriage, expose the affair to the other man's wife. Don't think you mentioned before that he was married, but that is a sure fire way to kill it quickly. My wife's first AP was a married man, and I exposed it to his wife and it killed the hope of that continuing pretty quickly. Save those emails and send them to her if you can get ahold of a way to contact her, as she may not want to believe you. Be prepared for her to be irate and accuse you of being the worst human being on earth for crushing her dreams though...


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Strychnine said:


> Dazedguy,
> 
> I didn't get any sleep last night. I kept going over everything in my head. Finally, at about 3am, I felt a calm peace flow over me. It was at that moment I realized that I could forgive her, if she's willing to put in the effort. I caught myself singing in the shower for the first time in months, and I actually smiled at myself. When I looked in the mirror and saw myself as an attractive man, I knew I was ready.
> 
> That was the turning point for me. I'm going to have the confrontation, hopefully calmly and rationally, with her on Friday night. After that I will give her until Sunday night to talk with me about this, though I'm not going to tell her. If she hasn't tried to make amends by then I am going to her house Sunday night to explain to here that I want absolutely NO contact with her for a while, possible a long while. I will let her know that if she want to try and make it work, she knows where I live. Because I live so close to my in-laws, and she's living with her parents I have the ability to NOT have contact with her. I will let her know that if she sends a text, if it doesn't contain anything about reconciliation, it will be ignored. If she calls I will hit the FU button. *If I don't here from here by the time our "separation" was supposed to end, January 1, 2014, I will give her the divorce papers then.*I am ready to heal myself. I have read all of the emails between her and this loser, and I know that there is no way he is ever going to leave his wife. She needs to figure this out for herself. Every night I pray that she comes to her senses, but as of now, I am done waiting for her.


are you saying your going to give her a year? a year of separation? ...to do what she wants?


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## workingatit (Nov 13, 2012)

I am a little confused by all the "talking" you plan on doing. Why are you even confronting her at all - you will only cause yourself more hurt. It sounds like her head is in the sand. I would just do a full 180 on her...do the talk on Friday....but if you hear nothing back I would NOT go to her house...I would just do the 180 on move on with making YOU happy.....trust me, the talking DOES NOT WORK nor do threats......

And waiting until 2014?!?!?!!?!? I hope there is a typo there....

Sounds like you are trying WAY TOO HARD for someone who hurt you so bad....please take a step back and DO FOR YOU.....


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

If you give her an entire year to have her fun and detach from you while you wait around to be her backup plan, she'll be gone.

I think confronting her and then cutting off contact and having a specific timeline that you tell her are all good ideas - but one year is too long. You can't give her that long. She'll be gone and you'll be in terrible pain. Give her a month or 3 months or 6 months absolutely max and then really stick to whatever timeline you decide on. If she isn't back working on your marriage, divorce her and move on. Take care of yourself before your marriage and before your wife.


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## Strychnine (Feb 6, 2013)

I think your right. I've had time to sleep on my decision, and I'm still pretty resolute on my course of action. I'm going to confront her on Friday and break contact on Sunday if there's no offer of reconciliation. 

After that I don't know how long I'm going to give her to make a decision. It definitely won't be a year. It'll depend on how long it takes me to heal a little from these wounds. I'm figuring no more than a month, but I'm trying to take all of this one day at a time.


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## workingatit (Nov 13, 2012)

It is NOT easy. I asked my husband to leave just over 2 weeks ago - and he did. We have been having problems for years. 

But the first week I was a MESS - all I did was cry --- I lost a lot of weight and I was severely depressed. Then I realized why am I doing this....and started to think about all the ways he hurt me....and that started to help me realize that he is losing a lot more than I am if we should divorce....

He asked for a 30 day separation...we are halfway through it.....and it gets a little bit easier every day. 

If he wants to try for reconciliation...I need to see some changes from him....I have been in counseling to deal with my control issues and my need to talk til we are both frustrated - but he has done nothing so far.....so so far I am going along every day as if we are getting a divorce....

It is giving me sanity and helping me be OK with it all....

YOU WILL BE OK.......

Talk on Friday and then be done with it.........and start just doing for you......and let it play out the way it will.....


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## Strychnine (Feb 6, 2013)

I'm so sorry that all of you are going through this. I know what I'm feeling inside, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Thank you all for your comments.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Confront her and make her decide on the spot. Screw with living like the rest of us do...fk that why go through it...just cut to the chase. Either she wants you or she doesn't. 

I've had it with roller coaster rides. Don't put yourself on one. 

Should there really be a 'choice' here? Something to 'think' about? 

Bore your eyes into her and make her decide right there. And spare yourself what the rest of us go through. 

She choses him. Divorce her. Done.


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