# Is it possible to reconcile after DV



## engineering (Feb 9, 2015)

My wife has just said she does not want to be married to me anymore. She does not trust me. I did grab her during an argument, and my son (13) called the cops and I was arrested. She went and got a PPO, and it was later modified for us to be able to attend counselling. She said in the second counselling session she does not want to be married. We have been married for 23 years, and have two kids (11 and 13, girl and boy). I abused alcohol, and am now in AA, and getting anger management counselling. I know grabbing was wrong, and am working on never doing that again. She says she lost trust. 
Our marriage has been in some financial difficulty for the past several years. She is in charge of all the bank accounts and has been day trading for 6 years, and has lost a lot of money. I worry about providing for college and retirement, and all the things we want in life. I asked her to get a job for the past two years, and she is now working (and wants a divorce). I am not perfect, and I think what we did was deny each other things that the other wanted (intimacy, trust, etc). However, I want to save my marriage, this would have been the 4th time we have been in counselling. Her parents have come up from FL, and moved into my house. I am paying all the bills, and she has access to the bank accounts. I have no idea where her paycheck goes. 
We have two businesses together as well. 
I am being the gentleman so far, but I read about the 180? how does one do that with a PPO? Does it work? I have cried in front of her, she has as well. Please help


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes, I know people who remarry after divorce.

It sounds like there are serious issues in your marriage and with each of you. It’s good that both of you are working on these. Right now you need to put your personal improvement ahead of everything. There is no chance of fixing your marriage until you have are in a strong recovery from your alcohol abuse. (I’m not going to go into what your wife has to work on because she’s not here talking to us.)

How do you do the 180 when there is a PPO? When you do see your wife, like in counseling, you follow the parts of the 180 about you having control over your emotions, you address what needs to be address and you take responsibility for things you have done. And you show her that you are working hard to become a better person. Hopefully she will do the same thing.

What % of your joint income does your wife earn? Once I now that, I have more I want to talk about.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

First of all, you cannot allow her control over the money. She may have financial issues. You do not know what the future holds and you need to have some say in how the money is spent. Do not be a doormat for what you did to her.

Second, she has no realrecent histroy of trusting you. She may never feel safe around you again. She has associated you with negative imagery. Trust is easy to destroy, and hard to gain. You can only show her over time through your actions.

All of your issues, you have to own and fix for yourself first of all, whether you get back together or not. You can be a good example for your kids, and do this for yourself, just in case things do not work out with your wife.

So prioritize yourself to improve, make yourself more attractive, protect your finances. The 180 is for those whom are moving on. Just use the rules that apply. Your wife is not the best with money, and you need to see that and recognize that. Start paying the bills yourself, and open your own account.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I suppose that anything is possible! But one who remarries who they have previously divorced had best give a whole lot of thought to it, and make sure that they have unconditionally offered up forgiveness, as well as have regained implicit trust in their previous WS!

Without that, why even make the effort?*


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Separate finances and get sober. That is more than a plenty to keep you busy until the PPO is lifted.


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## engineering (Feb 9, 2015)

Thank you for the advice. My wife earns half of what I earn. I have been sober for 39 days. I am working on myself, for myself. I want to be better for my kids, and I want to show my wife that I am improving. I take ownership for my mistake. Child Protective Services was involved and closed the case, stating I am not a danger to the children. I have seen my kids under my brothers supervision for a couple hours on Saturday. I have not other contact with them. 
I have closed the trading account, and placed money in the joint checking account to pay bills. Can someone explain the 180 and WS?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WS = wayward spouse.. meaning a spouse who has cheated. 

It sound like neither you nor your wife have cheated.

The 180 linked to in my signature block below is specifically geared towards someone whose spouse has cheated. It's suggested that the BS (betrayed spouse) use the 180 to interact with their WS until the WS agrees to end the affair and return to the marriage.

In your case, neither of you have cheated. So parts of the 180 for WS does not apply.. like expecting your spouse to end an affair. But other parts do apply. I think that if you read the 180, you can figure out which parts apply and which don't. If you have any questions about specific items, ask. 

The idea of the 180 is to help you move to a strong place emotionally so that you can work on yourself and your marriage. 

Now about the income bit. your wife earns half of what you do, yet you are now supporting her and her parents. That's not cool of her at all. It will not help you to be a doormat and do this. She will just learn to use you for money and to disrespect you.

One of the first things you need to do is to find out what your rights are if you two do get divorced. Since I don't know which state you live in, I don't' know if it's a community property state or equitable distribution, if alimony is a big issue, etc.

You need to do some research on line and even see an attorney to find out what your rights are in a divorce.. financially, with your children, etc.

Once you know these things, you need to start moving towards getting yourself and your finances positioned for divorce. If the divorce never happens fine, if it does you are ready.

Plus, at the very least right now you should not be giving your wife complete access to your income. She wants a divorce? That means that she has to take much more responsibility financially for herself and the kids. Her parents living in your house at your expense is purse nonsense and financial abuse.

So let's figure out how to move forward here.

By the way, has your wife taken responsibility for the damage she has done to you and your family because of her unwise financial 'investments'?


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## engineering (Feb 9, 2015)

Thanks, No she has not taken responsibility for the financial losses to the family. She is focusing on my Domestic Violence, and being the victim to everyone who will listen. She has already fired one lawyer who will not do what she wanted. I live in VA, and have a lawyer of my own who is trying to calm the situation down. My goal, is to save my marriage, not only because I love her, but I believe it is the best thing for the kids. Had we/she taken some action about getting a job, stopping the trading as asked, then the financial strain would have disappeared, and likely this would not have happened. She also would have felt better about herself, and knowing she is contributing would have improved her self esteem. 
I agree the parents need to leave, they are toxic to any reconciliation. And peer pressure can keep her from trying to reconcile.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I know that you want reconciliation.

But her living in a situation in which nothing has really changed, except you left, then she has no clue what she really means when she says she wants a divorce. 

There will, I am sure, be big changes for her. 

For example, she can access to all of your income, right? So how much are you keeping for yourself? It might be a good idea to start moving your finances to reflect what they will be like in divorce.

If you have direct deposit of your check, open bank accounts in your name only and have the direct deposit go there. Then have your lawyer figure out what you should be giving her is spousal support (if any) and child support.

You need money to live on. You will at some point be able to have your children over to your place, so you will need a place if you don't already have one.

I'm not saying to mean or to put her in a financial bind. But letting her see what divorce means can help a lot. And of course finances are not the only thing that is affected by divorce.

In counseling, you need to start bringing up the financial harships she has caused. That's a form of financial infidelity that very often destroy marriages.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Reconciliation can only happen if both people want it. If she says she doesn't, and she means it, then there is nothing you can do. If she indicates there is a chance, then go for it, but do the work on yourself, whatever that may involve, either way.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Anything is possible. "Grabbing" can mean all sorts of things. Grabbing your wife about the shoulders is a lot different than grabbing her about the neck, holding her to the floor, and telling her you're going to choke her to death (as an example). Both would technically be DV but one is a lethal threat and the other probably isn't. Grabbing someone to prevent their escape is a lot more threatening than grabbing someone to prevent them from striking you or to prevent them from committing suicide.


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## engineering (Feb 9, 2015)

I grabbed her wrists, and pushed her. She slapped me, I did not choke, or hit her. She was threatening to take the kids, which happened anyway. It was 10 days before I was able to see them. I do not talk to them, and have only seen them on Saturdays for a few hours. They are mad and confused, and blame me, which is understandable.


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## engineering (Feb 9, 2015)

My question is, since I have a PPO, and cannot engage my wife, how do I save my marriage? Any thoughts?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

engineering said:


> My question is, since I have a PPO, and cannot engage my wife, how do I save my marriage? Any thoughts?


By working on yourself. Deal with the PPO through the proper legal channels, and let things heal. Be the best father you can be. There's no quick solution.


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## FormerVictim (Jan 13, 2015)

engineering said:


> My question is, since I have a PPO, and cannot engage my wife, how do I save my marriage? Any thoughts?


Save yourself first.

If you're focus is only on her, you'll lose everything.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

so she slapped you...you grabbed her wrists...and now YOURE the abuser?

You might want to ask your lawyer about long term repercussions of this.

In the meantime, get as much kid time as you can. Answer their questions truthfully and try to have as much fun as possible.

Your wife is using this as a smokescreen to hide bigger things.
Follow your gut to find out what it is.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

engineering said:


> My wife has just said she does not want to be married to me anymore. *You should listen to her when she says this.* She does not trust me. I did grab her during an argument, and my son (13) called the cops and I was arrested. She went and got a PPO, and it was later modified for us to be able to attend counselling. *Okay, so you're kind of slow on the uptake. Your wife, whom you really love a lot, just got the legal system involved on her side against you. Perhaps you should spend a few minutes thinking about this development.* She said in the second counselling session she does not want to be married. We have been married for 23 years, and have two kids (11 and 13, girl and boy). I abused alcohol, and am now in AA, and getting anger management counselling. *Good. these are problems that are holding you back as a man and as a good person. Keep working on getting better.* I know grabbing was wrong, and am working on never doing that again. She says she lost trust. *She's lying.*
> Our marriage has been in some financial difficulty for the past several years. She is in charge of all the bank accounts and has been day trading for 6 years, and has lost a lot of money. *And you let this go on because why? You need to work on setting boundaries and expectations in your next relationships, down the road. *I worry about providing for college and retirement, and all the things we want in life. *And these are things you SHOULD be worrying about. Damn shame your wife doesn't care enough about you to worry about them, because she should, too.* I asked her to get a job for the past two years, and she is now working (and wants a divorce). *Tell me about her male co-workers. Give extra detail on the one she is having an affair with.* I am not perfect, and I think what we did was deny each other things that the other wanted (intimacy, trust, etc). *Women really dig guys who second guess themselves. Yeah, not really.* However, I want to save my marriage, this would have been the 4th time we have been in counselling. *It sounds like you had 3 chances to fix things and become a better man. I bet you feel dumb. You probably didn't listen to her on any of those occasions, either. * Her parents have come up from FL, and moved into my house. *While you can't exactly stop this from happening, you can make it really inconvenient by, for instance, stopping paying all the bills.* I am paying all the bills, *DOH!* and she has access to the bank accounts. *Gee, Brainiac, maybe you should change this!* I have no idea where her paycheck goes. *That's because you're a tiny little man. You should change this, too. I recommend No More Mr. Nice Guy and Married Man Sex Life Primer. I also recommend that you click the link in Elegirl's signature and read about the 180, and that you start doing it FOR YOURSELF. Not to save your marriage. Okay? Did you get that part? *
> We have two businesses together as well.
> I am being the gentleman so far, *Yeah? How's that working out for you? Are you feeling awesome? Or are you being a gentleman because you are afraid to take any real action? Yeah, I thought so. You don't get credit for being a gentleman due to cowardice.* but I read about the 180? how does one do that with a PPO? *One does it quite well with a PPO. You don't contact her. When you have to talk to her, you limit the conversation to the kids. See how simple that is?* Does it work? *Yes, it works.* I have cried in front of her, she has as well. *Keep crying in front of her. Women LOVE weepy men. It makes them feel like they are with little boys instead of decisive masculine husbands, and a wife wants nothing more than to have her husband crying about her. Hoo boy are you doing it WRONG.* Please help





engineering said:


> Thanks, No she has not taken responsibility for the financial losses to the family. *And why should she? She doesn't respect you enough to admit fault or apologize. But that's okay, because its not like you're going to demand any concessions of her. You'll do ANYTHING to get her back. Probably even forgive her for the affair she's having with a co-worker.* She is focusing on my Domestic Violence, and being the victim to everyone who will listen. She has already fired one lawyer who will not do what she wanted. I live in VA, and have a lawyer of my own who is trying to calm the situation down. *Well, good. At least you have your own lawyer. For God's sake, KEEP HIM (or HER).* My goal, is to save my marriage, not only because I love her, but I believe it is the best thing for the kids. *Fascinating! So what is HER goal? I realize you're the center of the universe, but your wife may not. She may have goals of her own, like divorcing you and getting as much money and assets from you as she can. What if she uses the legal system, does stuff like getting a PPO, filing for divorce, et cetera? What are you going to do THEN? Maybe you should think about that, too. * Had we/she taken some action about getting a job, stopping the trading as asked, then the financial strain would have disappeared, and likely this would not have happened. *Or maybe as an angry alcoholic filled with resentment, something else would have triggered the same chain of events. Irrelevant. Focus on what is, not what if.* She also would have felt better about herself, and knowing she is contributing would have improved her self esteem. *I dunno, man, it sounds like her self-esteem is just fine. She had a fun time blowing through all your money, got a job, found someone at work who floats her boat, and now she's ready to drain you, dump you, and divorce you. *
> I agree the parents need to leave, they are toxic to any reconciliation. *If only you could pressure them to leave by maybe cutting off payments on utilities or something.* And peer pressure can keep her from trying to reconcile.





engineering said:


> My question is, since I have a PPO, and cannot engage my wife, how do I save my marriage? Any thoughts?


Paradoxically, you save your marriage by preparing to end your marriage.

Do the 180. FOR YOURSELF. Know your legal rights, and don't sign anything without your lawyer blessing it. Keep going to AA and getting anger management counseling. Buy those books and read them. Get some hobbies to fill up your free time. Start putting ALL your money in a separate account. If you lack the fortitude to stop paying for utilities, pay for them yourself out of your own money. Terminate your cell phone contract and get a new phone, which your wife is not on. Look for signs that your wife is having sex with another man.

Be the best father to your children that you can.

Don't cry in front of your wife. Don't beg. Don't plead. Don't even talk to her right now. Give her the gift of missing you.

Man, this was a cathartic post. I hope you get something out of it too!


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Did she sustain injury during the domestic violence?


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## engineering (Feb 9, 2015)

Thanks, I am working on me. Was wondering what advice people would have. I pray a lot for reconciliation


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## engineering (Feb 9, 2015)

there were no injuries


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

engineering said:


> there were no injuries


What grounds did they arrest you and not her as well?


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