# Emotional hurdles post separation/divorce



## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

Gorgeous day today! STBX has the kids and I decided to run some errands before they came home tonight. Of course, all the couples and families were out today, too. Couples with their kids in the garden section, couples picking stuff up for home improvements for their homes, couples picking out paint together, families out for walk and enjoying the time and the weather together. Of course, I was bawling all the way home. On days like today, we would've driven to the outdoor mall or would have done something else outdoors as a family. I miss that. I miss him. Hate this feeling. 

I know this is not productive, but I just need to get it out. 

I'm going to miss the opportunities we'd have as a family to go out on little hikes.

I'm going to miss being able to sit outside on our patio in the morning, having coffee together, watching the kids play on their playground. 

I'm going to miss playing outside with the kids as he changes the oil on his motorcycle on nice days.

I'm going to miss going out to eat as a family and sitting outside enjoying the weather and the sun on our faces. 

I'm going to miss summer vacations and long drives together.

I'm going to miss seeing him playing with our kids at the beach making sand castles. 

And so much more...

I know this will pass, I just needed to get it off my chest.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Wow! Wildflower, your post really got me going and I don't easily cry.:smthumbup: You're not alone in missing what could have been. Above all the romance and good times I'm missing out on while she is reliving her teens with the OM, I was really looking foreward to starting a family with her after college. Every once in a while I spot a little girl hold hands with her daddy and want to be in his place. I've always wanted a little girl.

I wanted to finally get her pregnant and be there for the entire experience, possibly even sympathy pregnancy, and twins(runs in her family). I wanted to be there to hold her hand when giving birth and have her scream how she hated me during contractions. Even if God forbid it didn't survive or she couldn't conceive and had to adopt I still wanted to be there for her. I always figured I would make a good father or at the very least keep working on it until I became a good father. I love holding other people's children and feel unnaturally comfortable around children. Children act like they know me already and I've had little girls point me out of a croud like a celebrity.

I know I shouldn't care but I miss her baby sister who pretended to be my daughter because her own D-bag of a father didn't want her. I had dreams of moving closer to her and being her step daddy to have her live with my W and I week days while she went to school. I dare say I love my W enough that if she showed up in my life a year from now remourseful wanting to reconcile our marriage with a child from the OM and he wasn't around (because I know he wouldn't be), I would raise it like my own. This has been my biggest fear even though she's on two froms of BC for her skin. Sure I'd have my issues at first but I couldn't stay mad looking into a baby's eyes that had half her features. I'm man enough that I can set aside petty indifferences with the past and see that it's no indication of the future. I know I'll get a lot of heat for saying this but I would raise another man's child.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

The thing is, you cannot tell who is happy and who is miserable, who will be together next month or in a year or two. 

How do you know there is not some unhappy person looking at you wishing they could have a day off from family to enjoy?

Don't make assumptions from outside appearances. It is almost never what it seems. Besides you are torturing yourself. 

Follow what is best for you, try to banish fear. It will be easy to let go of situation that no longer make you happy, but only appear that way.

Think of yourself as your most valuable asset, worthy of love, respect to be cherished and protected. 

Regarding yourself that way will banish people from your life who don't feel the same way and attract those that do.


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

I had the same sort of day, only my stbxh was here helping with the yard work. I so badly just wanted to go up and hug him like I used to do. Things are so different yet the same between us. He spends alot of time here either visiting with the kids or helping with this or that, so that part of it feels the same, but then there's the realuzation that we aren't going to be married much longer and makes it so strange. Part if me wants to tell him not to come around anymore, but then I feel like if I can't have him as my husband the least we can be is friends.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Yes, I am going to miss that stuff too! 
BUT as my therapist pointed out today- my life's not over, there may be a better man around the corner, one that will appreciate me and my wonderful kids, one who likes to be outside, cooking together etc. My H has been disconnecting for 18 mos and I am too young to stop living. I am also finding out I don't 'need' a man i am doing all sorts of stuff he would have done and am feeling more confident and independent...


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## yellowsubmarine (Feb 3, 2012)

I wish I could flip a switch and quit thinking about him.

For the past year, year and a half hurtful words were spoken and actions took place. 

There is a part of me that misses him, and I so wish that he were right there next to me when I wake up, and do things together. I miss the company and having someone to talk to. But that is gone. 

I feel sad. I see families and couples, and I was ready to have kids, but then he changed his mind. I think of the life that we had while we were living together, and I really thought he was going to be it for me. All my future plans with him are flushed down the drain. 

He is deployed and I am stationed overseas. I don't/won't get to see him (most likely ever again), and he refuses to communicate. I guess in a way that makes it easier than for people that have to interact with the other person on a regular basis. He won't even tell me how he wants to split the assets. But he does tell me he got promoted. We've been married for more than 11 years. 

I don't get why I keep thinking about him... On one hand I feel like he wanted to get rid of me for quite a while, but yet I still care for him. I don't understand why people still love someone that has treated them disrespectfully. 

I get multiple daily reminders of the life I used to have. I struggle with this.


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## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

Just journaling here...

So, I'm a different kind of sad today. I miss him. Like really, miss him. Feeling a love for him that I haven't felt in a long time. Why? Why now? We have virtually no contact besides when it comes to the kids or when he comes over to be with the kids, or when he picks them up and drops them off. WTF?? It's been FIVE months!!! This is a totally different feeling than I've felt during our separation. 

I took the kids out on a hike yesterday morning. I loved it, rekindled my passion for the outdoors, happy to share it with my kids on their first hike, but then I was overcome with sadness on our drive home because this is something we'd totally share together as a husband and wife. We'd talk about how great it was on our way home and recount all the funny things the kids did and how much fun we had. 

People fall "in love", but real love is a choice. I wish he'd make that choice. We have 3 freakin' kids together. Why not fight together for our family? I feel like we'd be better for it, our relationship would be so strong, and our kids would benefit from it. 

Of course, don't get me wrong, I know that kids can recover from this perfectly fine depending on how you approach it, but I just wish...

Ok, moving on. It'll be a good day tomorrow.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Wildflower3 said:


> Just journaling here...
> 
> So, I'm a different kind of sad today. I miss him. Like really, miss him. Feeling a love for him that I haven't felt in a long time. Why? Why now? We have virtually no contact besides when it comes to the kids or when he comes over to be with the kids, or when he picks them up and drops them off. WTF?? It's been FIVE months!!! This is a totally different feeling than I've felt during our separation.
> 
> ...


Ah, yes. Because of fear. Fear, doubt, hopelessness, hardness, has taken over my wife's soul and mind. And, I'm learning, that stuff holds you back from your true potential. It limits you. I can't let that hold me back. I'm going to be love. I'm going to love it through her. I'm not letting that hold me back. For ME. For our children. 

Jump on or get out of the way!


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Yellow, there is a way you could forget about him but that won't happen because you enjoy thinking about him. What's more important is to choose good memories over negative ones and stop yourself from feeling like a victim. You can wake up tomorrow and pretend like this whole thing never happened or you can choose to take this as a learning experence and really learn abot yourself.

If everytime you talk you fight and argue then he expects your every communication to lead to an argument and make him feel bad. You can change that by leaving a good impression and agreeing with whatever he feels. Let him know you like talking to him but aren't going to bother him if he doesn't want to talk. Don't pull any of that "you'll never talk to me again" crap because you know he misses you too. And playing the victim isn't attracticve.

I was in the service too (Navy, ET Nav on fast attack sub), and I can tell you space and a happy attitude are the things he wants most from you. He's most likely tired and stressed out more than ever. If he want's to talk to you about himself and his achievements then cheer him on and then go back to the 180. 

You should know by now that holidays are depressing in the service because you're away from those that truely love you. He won't stop loving you but he may be unsure why he loves you if you pressure him. The next holiday coming up is Mother's Day and that really gets servicemen because you miss being with your mother and significant other. Why not text him that day?


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Wildflower3 said:


> Just journaling here...
> 
> 
> *People fall "in love", but real love is a choice. I wish he'd make that choice. We have 3 freakin' kids together. Why not fight together for our family? I feel like we'd be better for it, our relationship would be so strong, and our kids would benefit from it. *
> ...



I totally agree about choosing love... 

I don't want my kids to have to "recover." He is destroying the relationship w/ them and it makes me sad for all of them... but I can't help them/him w/ the relationship. It is his responsibility and his fault. I am trying to stop defending and protecting their relationship. I have seen students that have had parents divorce and often my struggling kids have parents that have divorced and their is tension at home or I see the kids play their parents off of each other, either way it's not what I wanted for the kids and he doesn't care enough about them (in my eyes to try to be a better father or to try to R).


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## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

Our parents had lunch together. They cried together and talked about our situation. Apparently his parents were talking to STBXH about what's going on and how worried they were about our kids and how if he was having these feelings throughout our marriage, then why have kids. His reply was somewhere along the lines of it just being sex. Wow. Now, mind you, I understand how stories get skewed when they go from one person to the next and I have no idea how the conversation really went, but wow. We planned each pregnancy. He could have said it out of anger because when they talk to him about the situation he gets very angry and defensive. So the next day, his parents had lunch with my parents and told them and I talked to my mother and that's what she told me. 

My heart feels heavy. Been in this funk ALL week. Can't get out of it. May have to switch from Xanax to Wellbutrin...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jenny123 (Mar 21, 2012)

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's been less than 2 weeks for me and everytime I go out and see families together, it brings me to tears. I find myself looking at everyone's left hand to see if they have a ring on....weird I know, but just a reaction I am having now. 
I hope things get better for all of us


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## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> I totally agree about choosing love...
> 
> I don't want my kids to have to "recover." He is destroying the relationship w/ them and it makes me sad for all of them... but I can't help them/him w/ the relationship. It is his responsibility and his fault. I am trying to stop defending and protecting their relationship. I have seen students that have had parents divorce and often my struggling kids have parents that have divorced and their is tension at home or I see the kids play their parents off of each other, either way it's not what I wanted for the kids and he doesn't care enough about them (in my eyes to try to be a better father or to try to R).


I know what you mean about not wanting your kids to have to recover. I hate the idea that marriage can be so disposable to some, especially when children are involved. Problems in marriage can be worked through. I just want to say "come home, we can get through this". But I know that's not in his head. He loves his kids and spends time with them, but it'd be better if he'd just come home and be HOME with them. Working our asses off for this marriage would benefit them.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

jenny123 said:


> I'm sorry you are going through this. It's been less than 2 weeks for me and everytime I go out and see families together, it brings me to tears. I find myself looking at everyone's left hand to see if they have a ring on....weird I know, but just a reaction I am having now.
> I hope things get better for all of us


Still stings a bit for me too. But... things are and will get better.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Wildflower3 said:


> I hate the idea that marriage can be so disposable to some, especially when children are involved. Problems in marriage can be worked through. I just want to say "come home, we can get through this". But I know that's not in his head.


Ditto, then I remember I would not want to resume the marriage, at least the way it was when she left.


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