# I can't blame her, We've Talked, Still Nothing! Now what?



## shallwedance22 (Aug 24, 2010)

Hey everyone, first let me start by saying anyone who is reading this thank you for taking the time out of your busy days to help a complete stranger. I will do my best to keep this short short

About us: both 25 married for over 2 years have been dating since freshmen year of high school. 11 total years. She is currently a medical student and I work in business. My wife is currently a medical student and works in an extremely stressful and extremely time consuming career and so do I. By no reason do I believe my wife is a "bad" wife. She is fantastic, she is smart, and outgoing, and amazing to be around, I love her family, she puts up with all my bull crap and all around she is a fantastic wife. My entire life I knew she wanted to be a medical student and I devoted my life to letting her chase her dream. I attended a college near hers because I couldn't get into the one she was at. I went into business because I knew that I would need to be able to move companies when she got into a medical school, into a residency, then becomes a full time physician. I support her financially as she does not have time to hold a job with being a student. But, Over the past 2 years my wife has started changing. Primarily her weight but also her confidence level and the way she treats me. When we first met she was 5' 3" 120 and now she is 167 pounds. She has gained the addition 40 within the past 4 years. I do not and can't blame her for her weight gain because I understand how difficult the lifestyle of a medical student us. She has terrible hours, loads of stress, no set eating schedules.

I am quite active and like being fit 5'10" 183 and in good shape and my health and fitness level is something I must do to keep myself happy, I went through a large weight gain during our engagement of my marriage and I hated myself. I became depressed and drank a lot and all around was miserable.

As the older she gets the more then changes have happened. I have spoken to her 4 - 7 separate times about how I have noticed her weight gain, loss of confidence, etc. etc. and I have put so much effort into helping her re-gain that. I have paid for multiple gym memberships for her, I have tried to include her in my runs and workouts, I try to cook healthier food (then she just snacks on junk inbetween meals), I have tried to educate her about weight management. Then when she does put an effort towards it she feels intimidated tells me that she "Hates Exercising" . So, After those things didn't work I tried just being there for her and letting her remove the stress through communication to make sure she wasn't taking her stress out by eating. I removed all stresses outside of school, I did all the bills, all the housework and all errands but sadly nothing worked and the weight gain continued.

After 2 years of conversations and multiple attempts I have gotten to the point where I am burned out. I do not want to lose her as my wife and I Love my wife more than anything in the world but sadly my physical attraction (please note only physical; emotionally and spiritually i love her) but physically it is almost completely gone. I do not want to be in a marriage where I can not get aroused by the sight of my wife as I do not believe it is fair towards her or myself. She does have a decent sex drive and wants to have sex with me but sadly i can't feel the same towards her. So i guess the question i need to ask is if this situation doesn't change should I just expect to me in a sexless marriage?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I'm really not sure what to tell you. I do think paying for gym memberships was wrong, for two reasons: one being that she's already so busy that she doesn't have time, so it was a waste of money. Two being that it probably didn't help her confidence level anyway. 

Before kids, I was at 150, and I am 5' 3". I don't think she's really all that large at what you describe, but I don't know, since I've never seen her. 

One thing I do have to wonder, you're blaming it all on her schedule and how busy she is, and all of that. I wonder, though, if it's possible that she has some medical condition that is contributing to it. As a med student, even though she should be learning about things and possibly recognize symptoms in herself, maybe she's so busy that she doesn't. I know there are several different conditions that could cause weight gain, and a few them make it difficult if not impossible to lose that weight. 

I would approach her again, but this time from the standpoint of that you are concerned this is caused by a health condition and that you are worried about her health. 

Aside from that, I really don't know what else to say. I think it would be shallow to leave her over it, although I suppose I do understand how physical attraction could wane because of this. But marriage, love, and commitment should be about more than sex and physical attraction. And I think if you ended things over this, she might end up even more overweight and lacking confidence even more than she does now. 

One other thought...how long till she's out of the super busy phase of all this and into a more settled routine? In all likelihood, once things are more settled, she'll be able to find more time to work out and get back in shape. Keep that in mind, as well.


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## shallwedance22 (Aug 24, 2010)

Thank you for the response and rest assured there is no intentions to leave her over this. The gym memberships were actually her idea. 

I believe marriage is more than just sex and physical attraction but I do know that I would be a lot happier if that was there.

She isn't huge just over weight. That is interesting about the health conditions I will need to research to determine more.

After medical school she will go to residency meaning 80 work weeks for 3 - 5 more years


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Hmmm. I am not a fan of lying over things like this that can affect a marriage. I know her self confidence is going down ( since you talked about that as well) so I have to guess that she probably isn't too happy about her weight gain either. Definately look into the medical side of it, but it might be time to have a talk. "Honey I love you to pieces but with the weight that you have been gaining I am finding it really hard to be physically attracted to you. Are you depressed? What can we do so we can both be healthier?" would be something that I would think of saying. But you know her the best, would that still shatter what confidence she has left??


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## writing2010 (Aug 5, 2010)

Help her find healthier alternatives to her emotional eating before going into residency. Her habits will effect how she deals with the stress of the rigorous hours and emotional/physical demands. The "eduction" on weight management, however, might be better received if it doesn't come from you. I know you mean well, and she probably knows that too, but it still might feel like judgment from you. That's not great for her self esteem and probably wouldn't help her in losing the weight. 

Along with seeing her medical doctor to rule out thyroid or other conditions, I suggest the two of you see a nutritionist. The nutritionist will be able to help your wife find alternatives to the junk and also fulfill her emotional cravings. That goes for the exercise as well, maybe she can find a physical activity she enjoys doing that doesn't involve you. She might be feeling a bit of pressure coming from you. Again, she knows you mean well and it's coming from love, but she feels the judgment.

As for you not finding her physically attractive, which I can understand, is there anything you on her you can find attractive which you can focus on? Maybe her face? Eyes? Shoulders? Neck? I understand men are very visual, but it's good practice to learn to focus on the positive details. There is no guarantee that her body will look the same in 20, 30 years, but she'll most likely have the same eyes, nose, mouth. Plus when you do find your wife attractive or focus on her positive traits, she will no doubt feel that and it will help her be more assertive and sexy. It might even encourage her to lose weight and be more sexy?

It sounds like you support and love your wife very much. I'm sure you'll find away for her to be healthier. Just continue to be patient. Oh, yeah, take the junk out from your house. If it's not there, she'll be too busy to go out and get it.


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## shallwedance22 (Aug 24, 2010)

Thank you so much for the advice. I am so concerned that nothing will be done and this will continue but I hope it doesn't Thank you


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

How do you think she would respond if you truly told her how you feel? I am imaging this is totally out of the question, as you do not want to hurt her. But ultimately you will or are already hurting her, as she will KNOW your desire has waned and is lacking more & more. She may conjer up many senerios to why this is happening, even think you are having an affair. 

For some men, it simply is what it is. My husband is like that, I am not overweight, but I know , because he tells me, If I gain X amount, he WOULD loose attraction for me, and it would affect our sex life. He has told me not to gain "any more" before. And I did what I could to get another 5 lbs off -just to not to teetering near the weight where it would be "too much" because our sex life is paramountingly important to me personally. 

This just happens to be the kind of man you are. How to fight against that, well, could be as much of a struggle as her loosing the weight. 

Such a touchy subject though! Some women will never forgive you if you talk to them like that, to even suggest you would loose attraction for them, they may hold it against you for the rest of your days. So gotta know what kind of woman you are dealing with, if she is understanding about physical appearances herself or She feels that should never be important in a relationship at all. It is all LOVE and nothing else matters. 

But yeah, go the medical route, you are concerned for her health, for your future together.


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## puffs31 (Aug 12, 2010)

I'm sorry to say but you sounds like a superficial person. Talking about your wifes weight in such a way, like she owes you for helping her out in life by keeping a perfect figure. People change, life changes, marriage is all about accepting those changes and loving through those changes. You buying her gym memberships and talking to her about her weight, asking her to go on runs with you, isn't going to help her. Shes busy, mind on other things other than her weight.She has to decided for herself, in her own time if her weight is something she needs or wants to work on. If you know she already doesn't like her body, do you really think you are helping her out by looking at her the way you do? Obviously she still married you after your weight gain. Give her a break and give her all the sex she wants. Shes working so hard in school, seems like all you care about really is what she looks like..
Seems like you should take a harder look at yourself. You said that you hated yourself for the weight you had gained. Do you want her hating herself too? Because that's just not healthy. I believe that once the love is there, the physical part falls into place, always. I guess I'm lucky, My husband has loved me and sexed me through any weight I've been and says no matter what he always will. Would be nice if you could give the same gift to your wife.


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

Over the course of our marriage, and having 2 kids, I ended up about 30lbs heavier than when we were dating. I was always kind of skinny though and even with that extra weight my BMI was still in a healthy range. 

My H never told me that it was an issue, never told me it affected his feelings of attraction. 

Our marriage hit rock bottom this year. His attitude was mean and nasty and only then, as part of a long list of negative comments, did I pick up one day that he had an issue with my weight when he spoke about someone we know that I hadn't seen for a while and said 'You wouldn't believe it if you saw her, she's even bigger than you'. That was my wake up call. I went away and decided that it was time for me to lose weight. So far I have lost 23lbs, just another 7 to go (though that last few are proving hard to shift). 

The reason I am telling you this is simple. I wish that my H had sat me down and been honest with me. I wish that he had worked with me. I think your wife is probably snacking to 'fuel' because she's burning out, you can help her with that too. You don't need to be mean, you need to be sensitive. If she can shift the weight she will feel much better too, her energy levels will rise and so will her self confidence. 

Now that I am back to my old size I can feel the difference in my H's attitude to me. I enjoy being a skinnier me too. 

Good luck. This is a tough one.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You're right. You deserve someone beautiful and skinny. You should send this young, smart, patient, future six-figure earner with a high sex drive packing....and give her my phone number. Body image is obviously important to you and that's great, but none of us have any guarantees. You could end the day without arms or legs, 3rd degree burns, or whatever. She's not all that heavy and I imagine medical school is enough stress for a person to handle without worrying about trying to lose weight. She can eat sprouts and seeds and exercise 20 hours a day, but she's going to get old and her appearance will change. So will yours. You might want to reflect on what exactly it is that you love about her. If a change in her exterior appearance is a deal-breaker, you've got bigger problems.


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## shallwedance22 (Aug 24, 2010)

Well I have to say the words expressed by everyone has been very educational. The only thing I care about is her happiness and she is not happy with her weight and she is not happy that I am losing my attraction to her. And by saying that marriage I should be attracted to her no matter what her weight is, then you either have never had to work at being thin and healthy or you just don't care about it. But, what is interesting is that everyone who was negative and basically insulting me was that everyone kept referencing the fact she was in medical school and she is going to be a doctor, and how hard medical school is. Those people have NO IDEA what medical school is like. Sure you can have an vague idea but you have NO CLUE, and you have NO CLUE about how hard it is being married to someone who is in medical school! AND LET ME SAY THIS! I DO NOT CARE SHE WILL BE MAKING SIX FIGURES AND BEING A SUCCESSFUL DOCTOR. I love my wife more than anything in the world. And you people who say that I am superficial, those people are worse than I am . If you really think that her being a doctor has anything to do with how i feel towards her you are dead wrong. If you feel that you would be happy married to a doctor because they make a lot of money you should re-evaluate yourself, because being married to a physician is NOT EASY!

I have given her a break I have given her multiple breaks and I have done the things in regards to addressing her weight properly. for 2 years i have tried every way possible. And our conversations in the past have always started with. I know you are upset with your weight and I don't want to hurt your feelings but a good couple talks about their feelings together and this is how I feel. Should I have not told her how I was feeling?

And you're right I am superficial and you know what that is WHO I AM! And she married me for WHO I AM! So please don't try to lecture me about how I am a terrible person to her because she fell in love with the person I am. I treat my wife like she is absolute gold. I have catered my entire life to the changes of her and we have changed together. 

For those people who said the friendly advise let me say thank you very much because your words helped.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There is nothing wrong with wanting an attractive spouse. It is just as legitimate a need as any other need (within reason, lol). You like what you like. But what to do?

The best I can say is to be completely honest with her. She needs to hear from you that you may reach a point where you don't want to be married any more. Then, it's her decision.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Big difference between choosing to let yourself go and having an accident. One is a choice the other is not.



unbelievable said:


> You're right. You deserve someone beautiful and skinny. You should send this young, smart, patient, future six-figure earner with a high sex drive packing....and give her my phone number. Body image is obviously important to you and that's great, but none of us have any guarantees. You could end the day without arms or legs, 3rd degree burns, or whatever. She's not all that heavy and I imagine medical school is enough stress for a person to handle without worrying about trying to lose weight. She can eat sprouts and seeds and exercise 20 hours a day, but she's going to get old and her appearance will change. So will yours. You might want to reflect on what exactly it is that you love about her. If a change in her exterior appearance is a deal-breaker, you've got bigger problems.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

A sexless marriage at 25 years old, and how long do you think that will last? Good luck in finding a solution.


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## Proxy (Nov 29, 2010)

I think the best advice i could give, is show her this... leave it with her to read, that way she will read the entire thing, even explain to her some of the things which people have commented about (medical conditions etc.). You've worded this nicely and in a way which i personally don't with would heart her feeling, you seem like your generally concerned about her and have no intentions of ending your marriage over this. Also i think it'll be a good way to get her motivated to "keep her man happy"... hope this helped and good luck.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

I do know a lot about the demands of medical school. If you're 25, then that puts her in 3rd or 4th year, which are more stressful and more time consuming than 1st and 2nd year (mostly just lots of class time). You said that she's gained the weight over the course of 2 years, so my guess is that it started _before_ she began clinical rotations--so she _did_ have a lot of "free" time to be exercising (studying for Step 1? She could run/walk on a treadmill while reading; or she could do yoga to calm herself before an exam). The first two years leave a LOT of free time, as many lectures can be podcasts that she could watch (laptop on the treadmill) or listen to (ipod while running). There's so much flexibility there. She chose not to do this. Now she's using stressful rotations as an excuse. It's interesting though because the people I know in med school and residency actually _lost_ weight, because they never had any time to eat and were always so tired that they prioritized sleeping over eating.

I'm surprised that no one else has pointed out how utterly hypocritical it is for her to be entering a career in medicine when she's borderline obese! How does she expect her patients to take her seriously when she's giving them health advice? Not to mention her chances of getting into a successful residency plummet if she's projecting that kind of image; forget rad onc, derm, or plastics--all it takes is one bad impression in an interview and the most competitive specialties will take her out of the running. It's unfortunate but true, and she will be limited in her choice, which means she could end up making less money, having a worse lifestyle, and most importantly getting stuck in a specialty that doesn't stimulate her interests after all that hard work. 

I agree that you should speak with her, calmly and candidly, about your views. Try and explain how her weight could negatively impact her future in more ways than she might be aware of. And push, pull, heave, _drag_ her lazy bum out for a run with you, while being super encouraging and friendly the whole time. Take a shower together afterwards as a reward. 

I also "hate exercising," and I find the gym incredibly intimidating. I'm weak (can't even do a push up or pull up), bad at sports, and completely lacking in endurance. I enjoy doing yoga (there are some free online classes that I can do outside when the weather's nice or inside in my living room), and I absolutely love going on runs with my boyfriend. I used to hate them with a passion, but you know what? He was so encouraging and motivating every time that I started to enjoy going with him. Try and be a positive active force; don't pay for memberships, she'll never go if she's scared, let alone go by herself. Instead, take charge and be there with her while she's exercising, and make it a positive experience for her. I'm a huge fan of yoga--she can do it at home (yogayak.com) and you can help set the mood for her with some tranquil music or candles. It's also great as a weight-bearing exercise to boost her bone density, which could suffer as a result of all that extra weight.


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