# Separation and making a list of expectations



## Atilia (Aug 5, 2012)

Hi all,
i would be grateful if someone would let me know their thoughts. 
My husband and I after 3 .5 years are now separating for the second time. His work has been his primary time devotion and he has just now been promoted to partner at his law firm. I moved to the UK to be with him for our marriage and left a successful clinic. I am doing my best to work in the Uk but the laws are changing here and I may not be able to work here much longer.

He says he wants to separate and after 3 months we can decide whether to divorce or not and he said he cannot multi task and work and also feel obligated to me and when I want to see him and that he needs his space right now. He has trust issues and this stems from his version and perception that I have flirted with his friends and none of them see it that way. He is very reactive and breaks off the marriage when things are not going well and now he said he needs to end the turmoil and separate as he said he will actually die if he has to live in this chaos and if I really loved him that I would give him his space. he is not sure he wants to divorce and is willing to try marriage counselling once a week and he has told me that his expectations are to see me when he feels like it and not feel obligated to see me when I want to see him. he said he needs his space and that he wants to think about things. I haven't ever cheated on him or been disloyal but he sees me as untrustworthy for some odd reason since I am a very friend person to men and women, not in a sexual way but it is who I am. When I stopped therapy 3 months ago, he said he knew I would stop when the going got better and that He didn't trust me anymore now that I promised I would continue no matter what. he says I have abandonment issues form my childhood and fear of men cheating since my ex cheated. I used to think he was cheating when he was not. But in anger he has told me he will cheat one day which I cannot let go of even though he said that he said this out of anger to get me back for my behaviour with his friends. And he threatens to leave every week when we fight so it deepens my insecurity but he doesn't see this and says I need major help. I don't know if this is a get out card or if he is really committed. he says he loves me very much but doesn't see a way out and that he feels I cannot register his love when he expresses it to me, but it is because he is inconsistent. he wants me to tell him what I expect during the 3 months apart and I am scared to tell him that I want to work on the marriage because he keeps saying, work on yourself as you will have to do it either way whether we stay together or not. he also says now that I am 40 he doesn't want me to lose out on having children so I need to work on me now so that future love and relationships work. He is confusing me by saying that he wants to do MC and see if there is a way to work on us, but he says he wants me to work on me which I am fine to do but I feel he is just being very unloving right now and puts me last on the list in terms of his work and his parents being his priority. any thoughts would help me immensely. I am moving sept 1 and am so sad, he is away with his parents helping them move all the way in Canada and he calls me once every 2 days but told me that he needs peace now and cannot continue the pattern we have.


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

Atilia said:


> ....perception that I have flirted with his friends and none of them see it that way.........
> 
> he sees me as untrustworthy for some odd reason since I am a very friend person to men, not in a sexual way but it is who I am.


 The problem between the two of you appears to be quite straightforward. You are unwilling or unable to respect the boundaries that he wants to set between you and your male "friends". If this marriage has to work either he has to accept your "friendliness" with your male friends or you just have to give that up.

I think he does have a point. Question is are you willing to give up on him just to remain friendly with these guys. 




Atilia said:


> in anger he has told me he will cheat one day which I cannot let go of even though he said that he said this out of anger to get me back for my behaviour with his friends. And he threatens to leave every week when we fight so it deepens my insecurity


Spouses who cheat don't threaten, they just cheat and hide it. So it is just posturing on his end to hurt you. He isn't going to cheat on you.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

It sounds like the two of you aren't very compatible. He recognizes and wants to break off, but he does care and doesn't want you to be hurt. He's still open to the relationship if he discovers that you *are* compatible, and he wants a list from you to reassure him that you'll be working on your own issues. If you do what he's asking and work on those issues, you can only benefit. Either the relationship can recover, or when it ends you'll have better self-esteem and be able to cope with it better. 

I encourage you to check into a codependency group in your area like CoDA or Al-Anon, too. You'll find a lot of benefit from taking part in one.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Dobson’s sample letter to the spouse that feels trapped and wants out


The sample letter and thoughts in blue below (I changed it to fit your circumstance) is the best letter that I have ever seen in regards to a spouse that just is determined that they are trapped and want out

The words in black are from Dr. Dobson’s book, Love Must Be Tough, Hope for a marriage in crises”



Let the Trapped Partner Out

Hope for dying marriages is likely to be found in the reconstruction of respect between warring husbands and wives.

Opening the Cage Door
Perhaps it is now apparent where the present line of reasoning is leading us. If there is hope for dying marriages, and I certainly believe there is, then it is likely to be found in the reconstruction of respect between warring husbands and wives. That requires the vulnerable spouse to open the cage door and let the trapped partner out! All the techniques of containment must end immediately, including manipulative grief, anger, guilt and appeasement. Begging, pleading, crying, hand-wringing and playing the role of the doormat are equally destructive.

There may be a time and place for strong feelings to be expressed, and there may be an occasion for quiet tolerance. But these responses must not be used as persuasive devices to hold the drifting partner against his or her will.



"John [or Diane], I've been through some very tough moments since you decided that we should seperate. My love for you is so profound that I just couldn't face the possibility of life without you. To a person like me, who expected to married to you for life and to remain committed for life, it is a severe shock to see our relationship begin to unravel. Nevertheless, I have done some intense soul-searching, and I now realize that I have been attempting to hold you against your will. That simply can't be done.

As I reflect on our courtship and early years together, I'm reminded that you married me of your own free choice. I did not blackmail you or twist your arm or offer you a bribe. It was a decision you made without pressure from me. Now you say you want to seperate, and obviously, I have to let you go. I'm aware that I can no more force you to stay today than I could have made you marry me. You are free to go. If you never call me again, then I will accept your decision.

I admit that this entire experience has been painful, but I'm going to make it. The Lord has been with me thus far and He'll go with me in the future. You and I had some wonderful times together, John. I'll never forget the memories that we shared. I will pray for you and trust that God will guide you in the years ahead."

Exerpt originally taken from James Dobson's book, Love Must Be Tough (copyright © 1983, 2007 by James Dobson, Inc.), published by Tyndale House Publishers.


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## Atilia (Aug 5, 2012)

Thank you so much for this. Kathy you are right, he said that he will put the marriage on the front burner instead of the back burner like it has been for the past year. The next 3 months in MC are to see if we can work on issues and I will work on myself too. I think the codependency meetings might be good for me as well. I feel that he wants to see if there is consistent priority from his end as he says he will do MC once a week and we can spend time together when the two of us would like to. I'm worried I am going to be disappointed because he puts everything in front of the marriage now for so long. Now he has to move and go on a business trip in September, before you know it the whole month will go by and this is the way he is. he thinks I am always going to be around


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