# Can someone talk me down off the ledge...again?



## brokenhearted2 (Aug 23, 2012)

Hello... 
I'm 2 years post DDay, of discovering my H EA with an old classmate from middle school that reconnected with him on FB.

I got a lot of help here on TAM- went to IC, MC, and felt I had made progress. At least accepting I can't change what happened, I have options, but ultimately decided on R. One poster on here, helped me tremendously on getting over the biggest emotional hurdle, the "Why?!" And from then on I felt better, and was going forward.
So why did I wake up Monday with a dark cloud of despair again?!

It's like I heard it again or the first time... 

Does this torment ever really go away?
It's hard to feel sad about your marriage. To me it was my foundation. It buoyed me up through my Mothers Alzheimer's, my sisters cancer diagnosis, raising children...

Now that the foundation is cracked - every thing else feels shaky.

Just venting today, thanks Tammers.

BH2


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Sorry that you're feeling like this. This is normal. It takes time to heal. I am approaching 4 years past DDay on June 12. I still trigger, albeit rarely, but it still happens. That is part of the hard work of R.

The good new is the triggers will subside and happen less and less frequently. They can never go away completely though.


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## brokenhearted2 (Aug 23, 2012)

Thank you Lordmayhem. I've followed your posts and you've been a great support system here.

I guess I set myself up thinking I was "over it" and to have those feelings reemerge made me feel like that book, "Flowers for Algernon" 
The regressing and recognizing the spiral down...

Yes, I suppose it's normal but it is such a sharp pain and worst of all - avoidable!

I accepted my mothers Alzheimer's diagnosis, shook my fist at the sky with my sisters diagnosis but there is no one to blame for those things.

Sometimes I set my steely gaze upon my H, and think, "you did this to me, you brought this wretchedness into our lives..."

So unnecessary and yet, here we are. If only WS could read TAM before their reckless behavior begins...


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

brokenhearted2 said:


> Sometimes I set my steely gaze upon my H, and think, "you did this to me, you brought this wretchedness into our lives..."


A critical step in moving on is forgiveness. True forgiveness. While your husband did make a terrible error that hurt you deeply, for you to work toward being whole again, forgiveness must come. Otherwise, just his presence will continue to be a reminder and trigger. As your R moves forward the triggers will fade. 

I will be seven years post D-Day this spring. One of the first things I did during R was to understand her mindset and how she could ever give her heart to another man. Through empathy I understood where she was at the time. What factors got her there and how she became vulnerable to him. I held her accountable for her actions but also held myself accountable for my own. Once I understood, I could forgive. We traversed a very successful R and are in a very solid marriage today. I still trigger on occasion but it's not really a hurt. More of a sadness that we ever let our marriage get into the kind of condition it was in, in the first place.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Yep... I’ll be 5 years April 11. There are still triggers and those ‘low times’. Some of it I recognize is that the marriage is looking so much like before. And your head just rebels like _“How can it be like this!? She messed around and now has a ‘good marriage’ again!? What about me dealing with this and knowing that at any moment she might meet some new Mr. Cool Beans and hide it to avoid ‘messing up a good thing at home’!?”_ And on and on my head goes. 

So, I focus on just me; Breathe in, breathe out... and allowing my mind to vomit. Just sort of detaching and letting it flow without argument or rebelling against it. I just let myself feel it. When it becomes a constant thing for several days, that’s when I act in whatever way I feel is appropriate (avoiding my issue of passive/aggressive)..


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

OP,

You are doing what I use to do, you are having a bad spell and recognizing it.

We all trigger post d-day. Recognition of the a bad spell was key for me. Strong feelings sometimes come unexpectedly, but know that they will subside.

Emotions make us human. You have delt with some of the most awful feelings that we can experience. I felt my betrayal was worse than losing loved ones. With that being said, I now realize that those feelings helped me more fully appreciate the love and happiness I now enjoy.

It takes lots of time and contol. Experience the feeling, learn from it, and know that you will rebound in due time.

God bless your broken heart.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

He reconnected with some girl that he knew in *MIDDLE* *SCHOOL?!* Are you two in high school or something?


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## Lefacade (Jan 10, 2014)

Two years plus for me and I still trigger. I think about it every day. A lot of times it is the first thing I think of when I wake up. It's haunting and sometimes I wonder if I just subconsciously like the misery. I'm sure it doesn't help that I come to these boards and read. But for some reason I still keep coming back. It's like I'm a member of a club now and I come back to be with people that are feeling like me. I'm with you sometimes I just can't get past it or let it go. Wonder if I ever will. I just keep hoping it will eventually go away or I will just finally end it and drop all that resentment. I don't know if that would even fix the emptiness.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Lefacade said:


> But for some reason I still keep coming back. It's like I'm a member of a club



We need an official club salute!!!


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Why do you say talk you off the ledge?

Are you feeling like R was a mistake? Is your H supportive and understanding? Are you questioning your decision? Or just having a dday trigger that feels new all over again?

I am almost 2 years out from dday and dealing with one problem after another. If your H is trying and being good to you? Even then the triggers will still happen for some time, but thats when you have to try and forgive, if you can. If he's being good to you and your R is working....

But if he's not being good to you that a different story. dday anniversary is hard. I dont know how I am going to get through mine because my H is being a jerk.

If your H is treating you well, then try as best you can to get through it and do something lovely for yourself. As time goes on and your R is going well, it will get better. Or, as time goes on, the pain doesn't subside even when your H is doing the hard work with you.... It just might not be something you can get over, even though you thought you could.

And thats OK too. R is a difficult path. You, and all these BSs here on TAM who have entered R have a real dedication to marriage recovery. Sometimes it works out.

I wish you the best.

Please take care.


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## brokenhearted2 (Aug 23, 2012)

thummper said:


> He reconnected with some girl that he knew in *MIDDLE* *SCHOOL?!* Are you two in high school or something?


No, sadly we are in our late 40's

When FB came on the scene for us in 2009, she found him on there through mutual friends. they hadnt spoken in 28 years! 
They quickly reestablished contact, connection, memory lane, old mutual friends, history, etc...
it started off slowly, catching up, and then she asked for his e mail. Then came the phone calls, then the manic texting, she would text him 20-30 times in a row til he responded. I know, I got all the phone records. 
I think they call this," rekindling" although they never dated, they were like the kids in that TV show "the wonder years"
They didn't meet up, but you see, he kept it for the most part a big secret...
Plus she sent him little gifts to his office... The cookies he liked as a kid, that sort of thing. Ick.

Hope that answers your question.


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## brokenhearted2 (Aug 23, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Why do you say talk you off the ledge?
> 
> Are you feeling like R was a mistake? Is your H supportive and understanding? Are you questioning your decision? Or just having a dday trigger that feels new all over again?
> 
> ...


Thanks so much...
H has been good throughout R. Did all he could. Severed contact immediately and swiftly. 
It's just some days are rough when you think things were one way, and you're blind sighted.

I read in that book, "How to help your spouse survive your affair" that healing begins after the last lie is told...

I sure hope I never find anything else out...

Thanks all for supportive words on a rough day

BH2


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## brokenhearted2 (Aug 23, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> We need an official club salute!!!


Wish there was a "Love it!" Option for this post!!!!


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

I am 13 yrs out from his PA and I don't trigger on it anymore..:-D... He on the other hand still has days where the guilt gets to him. You see when you successfully "R" even though the BS can forgive and move past things, the WS will always remember what they did and have to forgive themselves and that is the hardest step of all. If they are truely take ownership for their actions and are remorseful...and my husband is, it is heart wrenching to watch him still beat himself up. Now its his triggers I hate to see...not mine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*BH2 ~ You apparently have a plate full, Sweetheart! Bless your heart!

And I might add that FB was the vehicle that helped to initiate the destruction of my marriage ~ not that my skanky XW wouldn't have found some other medium, but her FB postings and cell phone calls and texts were quite enough.

Please vent and let us as your TAM brothers and sisters be your sounding board. I'm truly sorry for everything that you're going through, but keep faith in God and in yourself, and you will pull through!*


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