# Mid Life Crisis or what?



## Panera4 (Nov 1, 2011)

I may have originally posted this in the wrong section, so am reposting here.........

I am hoping for some good advice and maybe just someone to talk to. My hubby and I have been married for 22 years. Oct 28th was our anniversary in fact. He had been acting a little off for a week or so and I finally asked him what was wrong. Well, he hasn't been happy for awhile now and brought up all kinds of stuff from the past. Just goofy stuff to me but apparently not to him. Anyway, he told me he is moving out. Said he has to get his head straight. Swears up and down there is no one else. He cheated on me the first year we got married and I forgave him for that but there is always this little bit of distrust ya know? I've been checking the phone bill and facebook. He has been texting a girl 12 years younger than himself a LOT. Says she is just a friends. Yeah, right. I am so confused right now by his actions. This sounds really naive but I believe they have no sexual relationship. He comes home every night right after work and is never gone. An emotional affair, sure. He tells me he wants to work on our marriage, that he just needs some time away to get his head straight. Friday was our anniversary. We went to out supper and he would hardly look me in the eye. The very next day he found himself an apartment and it was like a switch was turned on - like he realized what he had done. He bawled and hung all over me the entire weekend. Told me how much he loved me and that he wanted to work on our marriage. What is wrong with him? Is this a midlife crisis thing? I don't get it. The first incident he went to stay with his brother in another state for 3 months then came back to me, so I'm wondering if he is telling the truth and needs to get away to see what all he is leaving. I've asked him to go to counseling but he won't go. Ok, I've already written a book. Tell me what details you need to know and I will gladly share. What should I do? Should I call that girl and ask her what kind of relationship she has with my hubby? I'm so confused.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

It sounds like he's feeling guilty about something he did, possibly an EA. He could also be in the middle of a mid-life crisis as well. The two often do pair together and cause major relationship problems. 

If you want to save the marriage too, then you need to tell him so. But before you can commit 100%, you need to know for sure that there was no affair which means full transparency, you being able to contact "his friend" and introduce yourself. If there is an affair, you have to make a decision.

If there is no affair, then he must commit to IC and MC as well.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Sounds like he's looking for some space to explore the possibilities with his phone friend.

What do you know about her and how do you plan on finding out about her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

tacoma said:


> Sounds like he's looking for some space to explore the possibilities with his phone friend.
> 
> What do you know about her and how do you plan on finding out about her?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It does sound like an affair.

Who is she? Is she married?


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## Panera4 (Nov 1, 2011)

This girl is a coworker. Not sure how often he gets to see her at work. Believe me I have done some snooping on her. Looks to me as though she is twice divorced with 3 small children. She lives about 1 1/2 hours away from his new apartment though. I still don't know what she looks like as her Facebook page is pretty sparse, only a handful of friends and no pictures. I have called the phone company and requested that they list the numbers that are being texted to on my next bill. I am also going to the main store tonight and they will print off a list for me for the previous billing period. So that will answer exactly WHO he is texting. I am pretty sure it is her. 

I have told him over and over I want to work it out. He is telling me the same thing. I appreciate the honest feedback. Don't want to believe it but I've got to face the facts. He is probably trying to let me down easy. *sigh*


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He is acting guilty if he's crying around you and waffling back and forth. He's acting like the typical wayward.
My advice is to stop telling him you want to work it out. Why? because you already have over and over again. He knows.
You need to sit him down and have a talk: Ask him what is he doing and where he sees the marriage going? Then tell him while you are willing to work on the marriage you are not going to stand idly by while he goes back and forth deciding what to do. That you deserve better.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

You should be able to get the text detail from the cell phone company's online billing service. I know Verizon Wireless has this detail and more. 

Jellybeans is right. Stop telling him what you want, other than complete transparency and the truth. 

I hope we are all wrong about an affair and that he's just a lost soul at this time.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

You have to stand firm.

The only reason he is getting an apartment is so he can pursue a relationship without interference. 

Marriages are "worked" on while living together. They are "dissolved" while living separately. 

If he insist on getting an apartment to "clear his mind"...I suggest you tell him it will mean divorce.

Sounds like he is wanting you to hang around while he figures out if he wants to be married, don't fall for this crap.

Demand he has 100% no-contact with this girl.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Panera4 said:


> He is probably trying to let me down easy. *sigh*


Well - that would be at least a little bit honorable. Worst (and maybe most likely) case is that he's hoping to string you along - keep the marriage intact for appearances sake, while he pursues this other woman in secret.

Read...its what people do. I don't claim to understand it - but the patterns just keep repeating. We call it "cake-eating."

Still hope I'm totally wrong...


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## Panera4 (Nov 1, 2011)

Sounds like he is wanting you to hang around while he figures out if he wants to be married, don't fall for this crap.


I think Geoffry is right. I don't want it to be but that's the way it's looking. I was in a surprisingly good mood last night and just acted like nothing ever happened. Hubby has been carrying his phone on him at all times, but he left it laying on the couch, on the steps, etc all last night. I think he purposely did this. He had 4 messages on his phone to his "friend" and they were all work friendly talk. I think he knew I would be looking. What do you think of that?
I'm usually a good natured person, not very often in a bad mood. I've decided that I'm NOT going to let him drag me down. He can move out and I'm going to have a good time and let him suffer on his own. Deep down I know I'm going to go crazy the first few nights of being alone. At least I have my teenage son home with me. I'm going to get a new checking account this morning, just to protect myself. I appreciate everyone's honest point of view. It's sad to see so many people having marriage problems. And it feels good to talk to someone, even if they are strangers.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Panera4 said:


> Hubby has been carrying his phone on him at all times, but he left it laying on the couch, on the steps, etc all last night. I think he purposely did this. He had 4 messages on his phone to his "friend" and they were all work friendly talk. I think he knew I would be looking. What do you think of that?


I think that it breaks the no-contact rule. 

I don't care if it's business or not....if it was me, I would make him change jobs....but that's only because I have been down this road before and know where it ends.

Affairs only end when there is 100% no-contact between affair partners...that's the bottom line.


Good for you on getting the checking account...very smart. Keep taking care of yourself! You should be coming FIRST for the foreseeable future.


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## Panera4 (Nov 1, 2011)

Well, my hubby left tonight. I didn't cry in front of him as I bawled all day at work so I felt strong. He did sit down with me and had a short talk. Said he wanted to work on our marriage, wondered why he was leaving and just felt it was the only way he could clear his head. Asked if he could still see me. I said yes but it's either the texting "friend" or me. He can't have both. Calmly pointed out how many messages he had sent her last month. I said I send my male friends a couple messages once in a while but not 170 in a month. Made my point clear. He said he didn't have that kind of relationship with her and then he just shut up. No arguing, nothing. So we'll see what happens. I can check how many texts he sends online and his phone is still in my name. If he doesn't pay me for the month's use then I will shut it off. Any advice? I'm to the point that if he doesn't come back, I know I will be fine. Although I will probably change my mind 15 times.


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## Panera4 (Nov 1, 2011)

I just re-read Geoffry's post. I'm just not ready to say Divorce yet. I just couldn't bring myself to say it. Maybe I'm a huge sucker.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

'maybe"


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