# Up against all odds, last resort for help!



## Mellowheart (Apr 21, 2020)

Hey Everyone, 
I just want to start out by saying how glad I am, that I found a forum like this, where people can understand and give hearty advice. It's so much easier talking to someone that's been in your shoes, because they can honestly feel the pain your going through. 

So just to give a little background info about my husband and I, we had an arranged marriage and before our marriage happened, we had time to talk to each other and meet up for about 2 to 4 months. Everything was fine and we were happy that we'd found such a loving and caring life partner, even though our families knew each other from years, I feel like we developed our own relationship through getting to know one another. 

So fast foward 2 months after the marriage, thats when problems started arising, I guess just meeting up and talking to each other via phone and text is not the same as actually living with them day to day. My husband is a complete OCD when it comes to making sure everything is neat and organized, he hated the fact that I left my dishes and stuff all over the place, and wouldnt take them down. We would have stupid arguments over things and it would turn out into huge dramatic ordeals where his parents would get involved (yes we live with the family) and they're the type that never let us figure things out on our own, they always meddled and made things worse. 

Same thing with our intimate lives, it was great until those 2 months after when we had that huge fight and I had to leave his house for a week so I could just get a grip on myself. After we made amends, I noticed he wasn't as intimate, no more hugs or kisses randomly, our sex life was like non existent, i think we would do it after every 4 to 6 months. He would always make excuses like how he was tired, he had worked and wasnt up for it, etc etc. And trust me I've tried to bring it up and he just shuts off and turns cold and doesnt want to talk about it. He says I'm selfish because I'm only worried about pleasing myself. LIKE WUHHHH??? I'm sorry last time i checked, being intimate in a marriage is considered LOVE not being selfish? IDK? 

Now 2 years have passed and its still the same, our intimacy is non existent. Throughout these 2 years, I've come across a lot of things that he said, that just crushed my heart, for example how he doesnt want to have a baby yet because he doesn't want to be tied down with me( honestly that struck my heart so bad), the fact that we just dont get along, our personalities are polar opposites, he cant have a decent conversation with me because he's more into knowledge and discovering new things, and well im a kid at heart, i love watching dramas and entertaining shows, so sitting together watching tv, rarely ever happens. He's said that he won't give me the love and care I want until i start treating his family like my own, which is so hard because its not easy moving into a new household and adapting, especially since you've had a negative experience from the get go. So now its so hard for me to just be normal around them, i try so hard!! Now im just always on edge with everything and i dont want to say too much where it would end up going against me in an argument, so i just stay to myself, and honestly, it just sucksss so much. I really thought i would have a loving and doting husband but i just dont feel like we're meant to be together. At the same time i've grown to love him even with his flaws, and I feel like he hasnt. He's just putting up with me for our families sake. Ive asked him on occasion, if it would even effect him if i left, and he doesn't out right say yes, but he shakes his head that yeah it will effect him, he just hates talking about any mushy topics. I really dont know what I should do? Should I keep trying to save our relationship, or at this point, we just aren't going to ever get along? Also his love language is through acts of service and I feel like im more physical and touchy. So it's hard for me to feel happy when he doesnt express it through hugs and kisses, rather he'll do things for me like if im allergic to something, hell stop me or remind me to not eat it. ( I love cheese, but I'm lactose) Also like he bought me winter boots, bcus he noticed my old ones were getting ripped up. So it's not like he doesnt care, hes just really traditional about the way he expresses love. 

SORRYY for writing a whole saga, but i honestly have no where else to go for advice, I really want to try and salvage our relationship, I would love to get everyones feedback! Is this marriage worth saving or not????


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

I know that arranged marriages are hard and different, but come on. 

This is not worth saving. Not at all. I understand that culturallly it will be hard for you, but i think you need to get out. 

Are you still in the home country? Have you talked to your family about it?


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## Mellowheart (Apr 21, 2020)

I have talked to my family about it, they say if I cant get along and he doesnt treat me right, I should just leave. BUT its so hard just picking up after 3 years of investing yourself in a relationship, I'm too attached to him.


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

Hi 

This seems to be an Indian arranged marriage (correct me if i am wrong). LOL

Anyways, having a husband like him,i would not recommend you to rip off your marriage so early. Who says visiting family court is easy ? It is not, trust me i’ ve been through this already. 

Now coming to the core issue.....
He has a typical mentality of you convincing him to have sex. So, have you tried to satisfy him by taking initiative last time you had sex ? If not, please do it. Make him want you. Give him what we men love, such as giving blowing and stuff. Yes, we melt if our partner gives us mind blowing blowjobs, trust me ! Don’t expect him to satisfy you at this moment if you want him to love you by all means.

More on your reply as there’s lot more to talk about gelling up with his family.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

OP. Listen it doesn't really sound like you are compatible. If he isn't willing to have a conversation with you or meet you half way there doesn't sound like there is much chance of success. What he was saying about being tied to you is not only hurtful but also accurate. Do not have children with someone who you aren't certain to have a future. Your family supports you leaving then perhaps you should leave. I'm not familar with your culture but if his family is involved in all your life do they know about the lack of intimacy?

I certainly wouldn't be bending over backwards to have him have sex with me.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Mellowheart said:


> My husband is a complete OCD when it comes to making sure everything is neat and organized, he hated the fact that I left my dishes and stuff all over the place, and wouldnt take them down


you don't have to be OCD not to like dirty dishes lying around the house.



Mellowheart said:


> our personalities are polar opposites, he cant have a decent conversation with me because he's more into knowledge and discovering new things, and well im a kid at heart, i love watching dramas and entertaining shows, so sitting together watching tv, rarely ever happens.


 I really think you guys are not compatible. It is better to acknowledge that after 3 years, than 13 or 23.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Mellowheart said:


> I have talked to my family about it, they say if I cant get along and he doesnt treat me right, I should just leave. BUT its so hard just picking up after 3 years of investing yourself in a relationship, I'm too attached to him.


Lesson learned. Go forward with more wisdom.

You got some kind of man baby.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Save your marriage. You two are just figuring each other out still, that’s what arranged marriage is all about. 

To me you sound a little immature and bratty. Here’s an exercise you can do to improve your marriage. Take 2 months and stop thinking about yourself. And really focus on showing your husband love. Don’t complain, and don’t criticize. Show him love not with words but with action. Bring him coffee in the morning, make him his favorite breakfast every once in a while. If he does his laundry, do a load for him once in a while. 

Also... be nice to his parents. Be kind, and be happy, and be grateful that they allow you to live there. Treat them how you would want your future daughter in law to treat you. Maybe come home with a beautiful Bouquet of flowers for them. Help the mother clean up the kitchen. Don’t ask, just do it when she starts to clean. 

Just take 2 months and focus on him and his family. This is how arranged marriages work. You learn to love each other. And if you start out not being good to his family, your not going to be easy to love. Show him your kindness and your respectable side.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Random story.... my friend fell in love with some guy from a third world Spanish country. My friend is the whitest white girl ever. She went to visit him and his family there, who only speak Spanish (except her now husband). They had an out house for a bathroom, they hand washes their clothes etc. 
my friend was in the kitchen the whole time helping his mom. She had no idea what she was doing, and couldn’t talk to her and I’m sure she messed up a lot of things... but her now husband fell madly in love with her right there, and it was because of the effort she made, and the respect she had for his family. 

Men are simple creatures. And if you married a family oriented man, you have to make it a priority to get along with his family. That’s a no brainer. If you show him that what is important to him, is also important to you... that’s a key to his heart.


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