# How to put kids first?



## anja (Mar 12, 2013)

Keeping it short:
Married 9 years. I'm 33, husband is 45. Two kids, 5 and 7. I relocated to the US when we got married (married in NYS). I have no education or degrees that are recognized as such in the US (diploma in hospitality in home country). Currently an expat family in Europe (not my home country), with another year to go. I've been a SAHM for the last 6 years, he's been the sole bread winner. The kids are home schooled.
The marriage is over.
What I'm looking for is advice on how to navigate the next year and the first year back in the US with minimal negative impact on the kids. I am not looking for advice on how to clean him out, I'm not going to do that.
Also, has anyone continued homeschooling post divorce? How?
Lastly, can anyone tell me about their experience relinquishing primary physical custody to the father (he can provide the more financially stable environment, plus, I grew up without father and will do what I can to save the girls from that)?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think your situation is way to varied for many people to give a realistic answer, to be honest. Are both of you moving back to the US, and to the same state? Are both of you committed to home schooling the kids? Where is your current residence, and have you investigated their laws with regards to spousal and child support?

Many North American jurisdictions expect that both spouses will work at financial independence from each other. Typically, that means both parents working. You might have a case for maintaining the status quo with regards to your current system, but they may also tell you that you're expected to earn $xxxxx per year, and if you don't, that's your issue. Then it becomes a question of whether your ex is willing to pay the extra every year to let you afford to not work.

You'll run into more issues by giving up primary custody... That means giving up child support payments, which again means you may not afford to be able to not work outside the home. 

Much depends on the agreement you can work out with your ex, how much money is involved (if he has to give you enough in spousal support that you can afford to live off that simply because HE makes so much money), the jurisdiction where you file for divorce... You need real legal advice, using your specific situation.

C


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I've got a lot of friends who home school. It's time consuming so I don't know how anyone could do that and work.

Why did you choose to home school?


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## anja (Mar 12, 2013)

Thank you for your replies.
We will both be returning to the US, NYS. I'm not a citizen, the kids are and he is as well. We would be filing in NYS then. Currently we live in France and I have not investigated any of their family laws, simply because I speak no French. He, or more specifically: the company's part time secretary, is our link to "the outside world", helping with translations for anything official or any other situation we need language or country specific assistance. It would not be ok for me to contact her in regards to finding and translating between a family lawyer and myself here. Nor could I pay one.
In regards to the homeschooling, he is on board, but I've always been the driving force. He would be equally happy public schooling them. The reasons for homeschooling are many and based on personal convictions, surely I would open a can of worms laying it all out here. This isn't the right forum to do that.
There will be no alimony payments nor would I take him to court for child support, even IF I had the resources to finance a lawyer. He is already paying child support and he simply cannot afford additional payments. It would then propel both households into a less than desirable financial state and the kids would be miserable at both locations. I think it would provide a better home for the kids if they lived with their Dad. They simply would have more possibilities, more financial stability. I could possibly continue to school them during the day and work part time in the evening and weekends. That way they would see both parents every day. Realistic or not?


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Anja,

If you and your STBXH are both committed to co-parenting your children, and he is amenable to allowing you to continue home-schooling, I don't know why it wouldn't work. You sound like a very strong-willed, independent woman. I wish you the very best.

Mattsmom


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