# Wife tells me not to confront the guy she had a PA with or his fiance.



## howcouldshe (Jul 18, 2011)

She has said that I should not confront the OM fiance, saying we dont know her and that is the OM and Fiances issue to work out if he tells her. I can see that but on the same note as one that was betrayed, I would never want anyone else to have to feel that way and she is going to marry him and some point. Also in my mind it will be nice to put his life in a tailspin as mine has been.....is that sick and twisted or normal......My feeling is she is trying to protect him for what ever sick reason, even though she says he was never an optiion and they dont even talk anymore.

About 4 weeks after I became aware of the PA I confronted him when I saw him at the supermarket, he played dumb and told me he did not know anything about what I was talking about.

When I got home I told my wife that I saw him and confronted him. She was angry at me for doing that and also told me she felt bad for him as he would have no one to talk to that night about me confronting him.,......

I later find a text that she sent him that said "sorry about that tonight" speaking to my actions of talking to him.

The text that she sent him after we both said we were not going to talk to him sends a pretty clear message to me.......

For what its worth he did not reply to her.........

For the most part she wants to sweep the whole PA under the rug and thinks we need to move on, that to me is a red flag that there is more that she does not want me to know about or she feels that will make it better. I can tell you this is not something on my end that is being swept under the rug it will be discussed and she will have to make some changes and be very transparent if she wants things to work, she will also have to be full discloure as far as where she is and what she is doing.

On a final note she walks/runs several times a week. I know for a fact that she passes his Apt on these trips as it is part of the way she goes, in light of everything I would think that she would want to avoid his place to show good faith that she is not being tempted in any way......if it was me that had the afair I would on PURPOSE choose another route and let my spouse know this..........

Thoughts and as always
Thanks
'
On another note if you want a upbeat song that hits home how you need to deal with these issues check this out. Just listen to the words, does not matter if you are a man or woman
Lasgo -Lost http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q13NpY6BPI4&feature=fvst


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

You say the right things here with the right attitude coming through, which is good...but it doesn't sound like you've made it crystal clear to her about (1) NC means NC, period; (2) she doesn't get to tell you how to handle ANYTHING, especially as it relates to the OM. As far as she is concerned, he is dead to her. If she wants to 'protect' him and worry more about how he feels than how you feel, it kinda spells out exactly where she stands now, doesn't it? (3) As far as running by his apartment, and anythign else that makes you uncomfortable, she either will adhere to your wishes (if you've told her), or she won't. If she continues to want to rug-sweep (or continue further underground, which it sure sounds like here), then your answer is clear.

You confronting him and her then going off and _apologizing to him_ for it would be a huge deal-breaker for me in any attempts at R, assuming you've established a clear NC rule, but it doesn't sound like you were 100% clear with her. It's time to be. Crystal.

He didn't respond to her text because he's afraid; he knows there are consequences based on your little chat. She, on the other hand, doesn't feel there ARE any consequences........


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

She's protecting the affair and the OM, even if she isn't still involved with him. 

The OM's fiance has a right to know who she is marrying. If you do tell her, be sure to have your proof ready (the best way to tell her is to inform her of the affair and tell her you can provide details if she chooses to see it).


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

There could be many reasons she doesn't want the OM's fiance to know. The affair may be continuing underground and she doesn't want the other camp to discover it. The affair may not be continuing, but she just doesn't want to cause trouble for the other man due to lingering feelings for him. Also, your wife may just be embarrassed. If the OM's fiance knows, she may shout about it from the roof tops, or even Facebook.

However, you do need to expose the affair to the fiance. It's not too late for her to walk away. Not exposing is like seeing someone driving toward a cliff and not trying to warn them.

And your wife needs to change her route. Definitely.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You need to tell the druggie's fiance---she is about to marry a cheater, and will be cheated on immediately----give her a break, she needs to know what she is getting into, maybe you can save her, a lifetime of misery, do not tell your wife you are telling her---it isn't her concern!!!!!!

As to your wife---why is she even allowed to discuss what the future of your mge. will be---this is YOUR BALLGAME, PLAYED BY YOUR RULES---she gets no input------she has cheated on you with 2 different guys, put your own children in harms way, put your home at risk, why is even still around???????


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Agreed with others, the OM's fiance deserves the truth. Your W is still protecting the OM. Sorry to say, your W is not in the marriage, you will have to end it or else she has to make these changes immediately.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

howcouldshe said:


> She has said that I should not confront the OM fiance, saying we dont know her and that is the OM and Fiances issue to work out if he tells her.


The only reason she doesn't want you to tell is because she realizes that will truly be the end of her affair. 

Why? 

Because affairs thrive in secrecy. Once you expose the affair, it isn't a secret anymore. By you keeping the secret, you are enabling the affair. 

I would advise you to tell the fiance as soon as possible. And do it without giving your wife or OM a heads up first. 



howcouldshe said:


> My feeling is she is trying to protect him for what ever sick reason, even though she says he was never an optiion and they dont even talk anymore.
> 
> When I got home I told my wife that I saw him and confronted him. *She was angry at me for doing that and also told me she felt bad for him as he would have no one to talk to that night about me confronting him.,......*


Amazing. She cared more about his feelings than your own. And yes, she is trying to protect him (and the affair).


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Agreed-she's mad because now she has to take her tryst underground and cover her tracks and watch that she doesn't leave an evidence trail.


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

Wow, that's all I can say. I've been in your shoes my friend. My wife had a couple of EA's where she was protecting the OM. I told her I confronted him, she told me I better apologize or she was going to leave me, and like a pu$$y, I did. Big Mistake. When I found out about her PA, I wasn't acting like a pu$$y anymore. I was firm with her and told her what she had to do and never budged. I told her if she couldn't do what I asked her to, then she would have to leave and we would get a divorce. 

Stand your ground and tell the OM's fiancee. She has a right to know just like you did. Your wife cares nothing for you or your feelings, or she wouldn't give one hoot over his feelings after you confronted him. Blow them both out of the water. If your wife leaves you, then you are better off. This is not opinion, it's fact. You are better off alone, than with someone who claims they love you, then treats you this way. Man-Up my friend. Good Luck, we're all rooting for you here.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Agree with RIG-you, and the kids, would most likely be better off without her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

RestlessInGeorgia said:


> If your wife leaves you, then you are better off. This is not opinion, it's fact. You are better off alone, than with someone who claims they love you, then treats you this way.


:iagree:


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Once another man ejaculates in or on you, you lose all rights and credibility to manage or supervise your partner's behavior. Sorry, that's pretty much a rule.


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## howcouldshe (Jul 18, 2011)

Tell me what you think of this, I am going to get my paperwork in order and then once that is straight in a week or so I am then going to drop the news to his fiance......

I am a very stong person in life in general and I cannot thank all of you enough for the support and advise, this is an awsome website and you guys are helping me more than you know.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think you should do what is best fro you but I definitely think you need to tell OM's fiancee stat.


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## howcouldshe (Jul 18, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I think you should do what is best fro you but I definitely think you need to tell OM's fiancee stat.



The fiance will know I just have to get a few things taken care of first, right now I am in the drivers seat and I am trying to get everything lined up so it all comes together at the right time.

As you can imagine I have lost everything for lack of a better word, the least that I can do is protect someone who I dont even know what what I know someone else has done.
if you saw a kid run in the street and a car coming you would get the kid or stop the car, same applies here.


This whole fourm has really helped me see the light and I appreciate it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah seriously. Just imagine the fiance going through with the entire marriage and wedding w/o having a single clue as to what is going on. 

You're doing the right thing.

Does the fiance know your wife?


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## howcouldshe (Jul 18, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Yeah seriously. Just imagine the fiance going through with the entire marriage and wedding w/o having a single clue as to what is going on.
> 
> You're doing the right thing.
> 
> Does the fiance know your wife?


No the fiance does not know my wife and she has no clue to my knowledge that her fiance had an affair.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I will say that it's best to do it sooner rather than later- for starters your WS may have given the OM the details of what proof you have and he may already make a preemptive strike by trying to paint you as a crazy woman who is merely out to get him.

and unfortunately some women will believe him

I waited a month after dday to tell the OM's wife and she already knew I may call her with the info- she didn't even give me a chance to present the phone records and emails and facebook chats as she was told my wife was crazy and trying to get me to wake up and be a better husband by lying that she had an affair with her coworker at the time. (what a crock and she believed him!!!) I didn't get a chance to say very much before she hung on me. So I sent the proof via certified mail to her at her work and never heard anything else. (in a lot of ways I'm glad I never heard from either her or the OM since) Who knows if it made an impact? But to this day it kills me knowing that she was willing to bury her head in the sand like that and the OM may have gotten away with it consequence free.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ She didn't bury her head after she got the proof from you via certified mail. You just didn't hear from her again.


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## howcouldshe (Jul 18, 2011)

The OM's fiance will be confronted but as I said I need to get something taken care of as a premptive strike, then the bombs drop


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> ^ She didn't bury her head after she got the proof from you via certified mail. You just didn't hear from her again.


guess I'll never know, I just tell myself that I did what I should have, which was give her the information she deserved to know, what she did with that was her business...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

howcouldshe said:


> The OM's fiance will be confronted but as I said I need to get something taken care of as a premptive strike, then the bombs drop


Do what you must. 



Almostrecovered said:


> guess I'll never know, I just tell myself that I did what I should have, which was give her the information she deserved to know, what she did with that was her business...


Trust me. If she saw confirmation/evidence of the affair, she KNOWs. She may have felt bad or foolish for not believing you when you called her on the phone but then seeing the proof, there was nothing to deny any longer. 

I know for me, I would never have believed anyone telling me my husband had cheated on me had someone told me. I had to see things with my own eyes and later he confessed in order for it to be real.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

If he's cheating on her with yours he's probably banging around other women too.


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## howcouldshe (Jul 18, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> If he's cheating on her with yours he's probably banging around other women too.


Him and his fiance were on a split for while and when i confronted him that is what he said is he was out of the house so what he did was okay, almost in an effort to try and not have me tell his fiance.........


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I'm pretty sure that the guy expects you to enter his life again. While you are getting your paperwork together, he can be building a case so that the fiance knows that you might go to her with a handfull of lies. A typical way to do this is to give her a little truth to keep from having to give her all of the truth. He could imply that he only crossed the line slightly, but your wife is now acting like a scorned lover, trying to take his future marriage down with hers by implying that there was a full affair.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Halien said:


> trying to take his future marriage down with hers by implying that there was a full affair.


I don't think the object should be to "take down the future marriage", but rather present her with the information she needs to know to make a proper decision on who she plans to marry- it's an important distinction, I think, despite the fact that the end results are likely to be the same


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

howcouldshe said:


> Him and his fiance were on a split for while and when i confronted him that is what he said is he was out of the house so what he did was okay, almost in an effort to try and not have me tell his fiance.........


Common sense, decency and public health dictate she should know what's going on. Men and women who make a habit of lying become chronic liars. About everything.


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

I have to agree with everyone else on here. You need to tell the OM's wife as soon as possible. He has probably already ran interference, so be prepared. Do as AlmostRecovered did, send any physical evidence you have certified mail, if his fiancee doesn't want to believe you after you have contacted her. Good luck.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I don't think the object should be to "take down the future marriage", but rather present her with the information she needs to know to make a proper decision on who she plans to marry- it's an important distinction, I think, despite the fact that the end results are likely to be the same


I don't think you understood the post. I don't think his goal should be to take down his marriage, and that was not what I suggested. The other man has a week to convince his fiance that he didn't have a physical affair. I think the fact that the OP has already confronted him leaves very little doubt that he will continue to do so. Sometimes, cheaters will offer a painful half truth to avoid telling the whole truth, like inventing that this woman he had an emotional affair with is going to tell her husband that they had a physical affair. I'm only suggesting that if you wait, the other woman has likely already had a few days to deal with his version of the truth anyway, so it might not help her in making an informed decision.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Halien said:


> I don't think you understood the post. I don't think his goal should be to take down his marriage, and that was not what I suggested. The other man has a week to convince his fiance that he didn't have a physical affair. I think the fact that the OP has already confronted him leaves very little doubt that he will continue to do so. Sometimes, cheaters will offer a painful half truth to avoid telling the whole truth, like inventing that this woman he had an emotional affair with is going to tell her husband that they had a physical affair. I'm only suggesting that if you wait, the other woman has likely already had a few days to deal with his version of the truth anyway, so it might not help her in making an informed decision.


well then, :iagree: with you


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Halien said:


> Sometimes, cheaters will offer a painful half truth to avoid telling the whole truth, like inventing that this woman he had an emotional affair with is going to tell her husband that they had a physical affair. I'm only suggesting that if you wait, the other woman has likely already had a few days to deal with his version of the truth anyway, so it might not help her in making an informed decision.


Indeed.

When my W and I exposed her PA to OM's W, mine provided her with details so he couldn't try to wiggle out of it. Even with that proof, he still tried to spin it that they "only" masturbated one another.

Didn't work, though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Halien said:


> I'm pretty sure that the guy expects you to enter his life again. While you are getting your paperwork together, he can be building a case so that the fiance knows that you might go to her with a handfull of lies. A typical way to do this is to give her a little truth to keep from having to give her all of the truth. He could imply that he only crossed the line slightly, but your wife is now acting like a scorned lover, trying to take his future marriage down with hers by implying that there was a full affair.





howcouldshe said:


> Him and his fiance were on a split for while and when i confronted him that is what he said is he was out of the house so what he did was okay, almost in an effort to try and not have me tell his fiance.........


So you are going to believe him? The same man who denied having an affair with your wife when confronted? He may very well be lying again and was nto split at all from his fiancee in order to make his story sound better (for you and for himself).



Halien said:


> While you are getting your paperwork together, he can be building a case so that the fiance knows that you might go to her with a handfull of lies. A typical way to do this is to give her a little truth to keep from having to give her all of the truth. He could imply that he only crossed the line slightly, but your wife is now acting like a scorned lover, trying to take his future marriage down with hers by implying that there was a full affair.


Yeah he *could* do that OR he was totally BSing HowCouldShe for the reasons stated above.

This is another eason why you should never let on to the disloyal spouse and their affair partner that you are going to tell the affair partner's SO. Perfect example. Nonetheless, there is no way of knowing if OM told fiance. I would still go ahea dand tell her with as much as you know. 

_"OM's Fiance (OMF), it has recently come to my attention that your fiance has been having an affair with my wife. It has been going on since at least Month/Year and I found out because of XYZ. My wife has openly admitted it to me. She also knows Cousin's Name (this will cement for OMF you aren't BS'ing and actually know the people involved). I confronted OM at Supermarket's Name and at first he denied the affair but when I told him I knew the facts and my wife admitted it to me, he came clean. I am telling you this so that you are aware of what is going on. OM and My Wife'ss affair has been detrimental to my marriage [and children]. I also discovered XYZ (fill in this blank with whtever proof you have --phone calls, emails, texts, pictures, etc). If you were already aware of the affair, then this won't come as a surprise to you but if not, I am sorry to have to be the one to give you this news. If you would like to talk further about this, you may contact me at (Phone/email)."_


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Here's a couple of things you can do:

Put all her stuff in a U-Haul, park it in the OM/OMF's driveway, and when the fiancee asks "WTF?", tell her that your W wants to be with him now and your just helping her move in with her new love. This could work on two levels: he would have a lot of 'splainin to do, and if your W asks where her stuff is, toss her the keys and tell her to go get it.

OR:

Call the OMF, tell her that she might want to get tested, because your W sorta developed this "rash"...


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## howcouldshe (Jul 18, 2011)

RWB said:


> After I found out my wife was cheating on me...
> 
> I basically took the "scorch earth" approach. My feeling was/is you decided after 30 year of marriage to f-ck around with someone else and put my life, health, soul in the ****ter, no one will get a free ride. I exposed her and him to everyone... Vengeful, NO! the truth. Play with snakes, your gonna get bit.



I am with you as far as no one getting a free ride.
As I have said before I am planning the blitzkrieg. All in due time.

Here is a song that speaks alot of what a cheater does

‪Lasgo - Gone‬‏ - YouTube


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

howcouldshe said:


> For the most part she wants to sweep the whole PA under the rug and thinks we need to move on, that to me is a red flag that there is more that she does not want me to know about or she feels that will make it better. I can tell you this is not something on my end that is being swept under the rug it will be discussed and she will have to make some changes and be very transparent if she wants things to work, she will also have to be full discloure as far as where she is and what she is doing.


Sorry, I was a little confused about your intentions with the marriage. It seems like you've made the decision to end it fast and final, but the quote above led me to think that you might be willing to work on it if you get full disclosure.

Telling the other man's fiance is altruistic, but from the point of view of working through a tough issue in the marriage, it serves a completely different function. Only, however, if you are interested in understanding your wife's thoughts better..

When we do something wrong, it is natural to try to control the situation. When your wife tells you not to contact the other man's fiance, there is a reason for this. She tells you what she does as part of her need to control you, yet you don't know if there are other reasons for it.

As long as you are lying low, preparing your response, she is content that she is controlling the situation. There is no need to tell you more. No need to panic and show her cards.

If you wanted to understand her, the obvious way to do it is to remove the control from her hands. You don't do this by acting counter to her every demand, because then she still can predict you. Instead, you defer to your own inner code and follow it regardless of her words or actions. You effectively become so unpredictable that she either runs or reveals her cards. This only works if you introduce factors that open her up to a response.

Similar to what another poster indicated, you might let her come home to find a uhaul trailer in the drive. When she asks why, you just say, 'you never know how this is going to end up. I want to start packing your stuff to be ready.'

Or, you tell her that you are going to call the fiance and arrange a face to face chat, just so you can watch her text messages to see if she warns the other guy. That was part of the rationale for not waiting to tell her. The decision to end it makes all of this irrelevant, other than as a way of warning the other woman what she is getting herself into. 

Regardless of your approach, I'm hoping that you can quickly put this pain behind you.


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## howcouldshe (Jul 18, 2011)

Halien said:


> Sorry, I was a little confused about your intentions with the marriage. It seems like you've made the decision to end it fast and final, but the quote above led me to think that you might be willing to work on it if you get full disclosure.
> 
> Telling the other man's fiance is altruistic, but from the point of view of working through a tough issue in the marriage, it serves a completely different function. Only, however, if you are interested in understanding your wife's thoughts better..
> 
> ...



Thanks for your response, I am can tell you that when all this happened my first response was we have to try and make it work, and I have been willing to try at the very least to see if we can make it work, there is a time limit and I am not going to be the only one putting the time in on this. In recent days that mindset has changed as she has told me that she has been in contact with him, even though we agreed there was to be no contact. She tells me that she has questions that she needs answers to. The guy was a liar from the start just as she was, she will never get the answers that she wants.

We had several heated conversations and I can see that she is trying to blame me for what happened as far as pushing her into an A situation. We may have had our issues as all couples do but I am not the one that made the grown up discisions that she make do have an A


I am 100% on board with your thoughts as to he wanting to control the messed up situation, she does not have much control over anything in her own personal life and she does not want to lose control over this issue. As much as she may state that she does not care if I leave, I have been able to pick up that she does not want to lose me or so I think.............


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

howcouldshe said:


> Thanks for your response, I am can tell you that when all this happened my first response was we have to try and make it work, and I have been willing to try at the very least to see if we can make it work, there is a time limit and I am not going to be the only one putting the time in on this. In recent days that mindset has changed as she has told me that she has been in contact with him, even though we agreed there was to be no contact. She tells me that she has questions that she needs answers to. The guy was a liar from the start just as she was, she will never get the answers that she wants.
> 
> We had several heated conversations and I can see that she is trying to blame me for what happened as far as pushing her into an A situation. We may have had our issues as all couples do but I am not the one that made the grown up discisions that she make do have an A
> 
> ...


I know that the blame shifting is classic, but it is infuriating. What about the times that your needs weren't met? Is she saying that she was mistreated badly enough that you deserve to have your heart broken in the worst of ways? In the end, you've already begun to turn a corner into a path that is really hard for many others to reach. You are taking action to put her in your past. I'm wishing you the best.


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## howcouldshe (Jul 18, 2011)

Halien said:


> I know that the blame shifting is classic, but it is infuriating. What about the times that your needs weren't met? Is she saying that she was mistreated badly enough that you deserve to have your heart broken in the worst of ways? In the end, you've already begun to turn a corner into a path that is really hard for many others to reach. You are taking action to put her in your past. I'm wishing you the best.



I appreciate your thoughts and supports, I am trying to do the best that I can as far as keeping an open mind and also preparing in the event it does not work out.

As for the blame shifting I think that is self preservation for her.....is she can blame me for some or all of it then it makes her feel that it is better or okay.

I will stay strong and make descisions once I have the facts and clear mind that I need


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

howcouldshe said:


> In recent days that mindset has changed as *she has told me that she has been in contact with him, even though we agreed there was to be no contact*. *She tells me that she has questions that she needs answers to*. The guy was a liar from the start just as she was, she will never get the answers that she wants.


1. She broke No Contact, and crossed your boundary. Meaning she did not respect your boundary. Meaning she did not respect you enough not to contact OM again.

2. Questions she needs answered? That is a lame excuse on her end. There should be nothing to discuss anymore. She knows that. 

Stand your ground. 



howcouldshe said:


> In We had several heated conversations and I can see that she is trying to blame me for what happened as far as pushing her into an A situation. We may have had our issues as all couples do but I am not the one that made the grown up discisions that she make do have an A.


That is correct. Regardless of the issues you guys had, the decision to have an affair was hers and hers alone. 

As long as she is blaming you for the affair, you are facing a downhill battle. 

A truly repentant/remorseful person owns what they did and faces the consequences of that. A person who values their relationship/marriage will stay No Contact and do any/everything to regain their partner's trust. A person who still wants their marriage does NOT blame the other party at all and fully accepts responsibility for their actions 100%.



howcouldshe said:


> As for the blame shifting I think that is self preservation for her.....is she can blame me for some or all of it then it makes her feel that it is better or okay.


That is exactly what it is. She needs to blame you in order to justify the mess she created, to absolve her guilty feelings, to make her feel better inside. 

Thing is, blaming someone else for her actions keeps her stuck in the same place of not taking any responsibility, zero accountability. It's no good.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

My wife indicated to me that her OM's wife is already unstable and has battled depression and low self esteem. In my wife's final talk with him, he was he was worried she would kill herself if I told her about her husband's affair.

As much as I want to blow this up on his end, I could not live with myself if I caused her to off herself. So I'm being the bigger man and focusing on my family, not theirs.

Oh, also, since this came to light, the OM's mom dies, his sister dies, his wife's in the womb baby tested positive in the level 2 scan for down syndrome, and they filed for personal BK. KARMA is a *****!!!! Hahahah. Phuck that guy.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

LSO, as to whay your W knows of OMW, is it first-hand knowledge? If not realize that in all likelihood OM embellished to make his plight more sympathetic to your W.

OTOH, if she really is dealing with all that she really does need help, being with a cheating H is not making her life easier. As to karma, in my opinion when we take pleasure in the suffering of others, even our enemies, it means we still have work to do healing ourselves.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lovestruckout said:


> My wife indicated to me that her OM's wife is already unstable and has battled depression and low self esteem. In my wife's final talk with him, he was he was worried she would kill herself if I told her about her husband's affair.
> 
> As much as I want to blow this up on his end, I could not live with myself if I caused her to off herself. So I'm being the bigger man and focusing on my family, not theirs.
> 
> Oh, also, since this came to light, the OM's mom dies, his sister dies, his wife's in the womb baby tested positive in the level 2 scan for down syndrome, and they filed for personal BK. KARMA is a *****!!!! Hahahah. Phuck that guy.


He had the affair. His wife needs to know. It is all on him as far as his wife is concerned.

Just a tad of manipulation here.


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## howcouldshe (Jul 18, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> He had the affair. His wife needs to know. It is all on him as far as his wife is concerned.
> 
> Just a tad of manipulation here.


I agree it was his adult choice to get involved with my W, he now needs to reap what he sows.....
He is not even married yet and again if he did this he should be ready or prepared to deal with the fallout, 

Some say send her a letter with no return address and part of me wants to tell he on the phone or in person. I know where she lives and works and what she looks like....

The question is will she belive me....but why would she not and why would I make it up.....


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Who wouldn't be depressed and have low self esteem being married to a cheater? She might not know 100% but she probably has an inkling. The cheater always has an excuse. Probably doesn't want to lose half his ass-ets.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lovestruckout said:


> My wife indicated to me that her OM's wife is already unstable and has battled depression and low self esteem. In my wife's final talk with him, he was he was worried she would kill herself if I told her about her husband's affair.
> 
> As much as I want to blow this up on his end, I could not live with myself if I caused her to off herself. So I'm being the bigger man and focusing on my family, not theirs.


And you believe anything the OM tells your wife...why? 

He probably made it up. To garner sympathy. Sympathy so that you would feel bad and in turn not expose the affair to his wife so he wouldn't have to deal with the consequences of him betraying her. Because it serves his best interests.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

It's the same thing the OM in this thread is doing. Making up excuses of why it was ok to have the affair and so that the OP doesn't tell her cause it will devastate her so much.

Textbook Script.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

howcouldshe said:


> I agree it was his adult choice to get involved with my W, he now needs to reap what he sows.....
> He is not even married yet and again if he did this he should be ready or prepared to deal with the fallout,
> 
> Some say send her a letter with no return address and part of me wants to tell he on the phone or in person. I know where she lives and works and what she looks like....
> ...


I would not do this in person. 

Phone is good in that you know the message got there.

The letter works in my opinion as well.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I'd tell her over the phone or via email.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

phone or Letter typed address label is probably better. He may intercept email.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> And you believe anything the OM tells your wife...why?
> 
> He probably made it up. To garner sympathy. Sympathy so that you would feel bad and in turn not expose the affair to his wife so he wouldn't have to deal with the consequences of him betraying her. Because it serves his best interests.
> 
> ...


Once again, I must agree.

My W's OM would tell anyone who would listen that his wife was "crazy," that their marriage was hanging by a thread, and that (insert circumstance such as new job here) was probably the last chance they had to salvage the marriage. He'd also say that he was looking for a way out of the marriage.

Funny...when we exposed him, his W was amazingly calm and civil, even to my W.

As for him wanting out, his only concern upon learning that I knew about the PA was that I'd tell his W. When I did, he tried to weasel his way out of it to avoid the divorce he supposedly wanted.

So, at the very least, the "depressed, suicidal wife" schtick is probably a fictional construct designed to protect his own behind. Its always possible that it's also, as appears to have been the case with my W's OM, part of his cheating pick-up routine...as I once characterized it, "My wife's crazy...so let's you'n me screw!"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Grayson said:


> Funny...when we exposed him, his W was amazingly calm and civil, even to my W.
> 
> As for him wanting out, his only concern upon learning that I knew about the PA was that I'd tell his W. When I did, he tried to weasel his way out of it to avoid the divorce he supposedly wanted.


I'm curious--what was his reason to you for why you shouldn't tell his wife about the affair?



Grayson said:


> So, at the very least, the "depressed, suicidal wife" schtick is probably a fictional construct designed to protect his own behind. Its always possible that it's also, as appears to have been the case with my W's OM, *part of his cheating pick-up routine...as I once characterized it, "My wife's crazy...so let's you'n me screw!"*


Exactly. And what cheating spouse tells their affair partner how wonderful, great and awesome their spouse is? 

...

...

...?

No one.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> I'm curious--what was his reason to you for why you shouldn't tell his wife about the affair?


No real reason. Just asked my W if she thought I was mad enough to tell his W and hoped I wouldn't. Not surprisingly, no concern for any turmoil my W might be facing...just concern for covering his own tail.

If my W wasn't already upset, that ticked her off. Cuz, see, she knew his wife's name, how to find her on FB, and where she worked if necessary. When I said I wanted to tell her, mine helped me do it with no hesitation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well at least your wife was on your side.

As for him saving his own tail -- again, wash rinse repeat. They don't call it a SCRIPT for nothing! :lol:


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Indeed.

Now that he doesn't have the "crazy wife" routine to use (thanks to her divorcing him), I don't know if he uses a sad-sack "I'm so down because my ex-wife dropped me with no warning" act or just his "photography" side-gig to prey on women. As I type this, he's soliciting for donors online to fund a photography "project" that, of course, calls for nude female models.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whammy (Apr 22, 2011)

there are things called bravery, honor, confidence. they consist of doing the right thing no matter what... not brushing things under the rug so people dont have to face consequences and can just carry on with their lives when they have no problem sh*tting all over yours. the right thing is to let his fiance know what she is getting into and what kind of man she has... as for her caring more about protecting the OM then the fact that she hurt you tells you all you need to know. You can set up all the rules that you want to try to control her actions but it doesnt control what she wants... her actions will show that... and her actions make it clear that she doesnt care about you... if you had any self respect at all you would kick rocks (that means walk away)


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