# Need Advice Badly



## Really Confused Guy (Apr 10, 2016)

My wife and I are newlyweds in our late 30s. Both of us have been married before. Her parents live nearby (2-hours drive) and we dated for 2-years prior to getting married. I have custody of my kids from my previous marriage on weekends and she told me prior to getting married that she has always wanted to have a family (she is unable to have kids). My wife takes multiple weekends off each month and spends it with her family instead of with the kids and I. We are of different ethnicities, she is East Indian and I am Caucasian. Her parents are wealthy and paid for her previous marriage among other things. She told me how disappointed they were in her for marrying outside her race before. Trying to be understanding of their situation I was accepting of her not wanting to introduce me to her family prior to our marriage. I did meet her brother and his wife once by accident. They drove over unannounced to her house when we first started dating and I happened to be there. She was upfront with our plans and told her parents we had moved in together last year. She also told them of our plan to get married privately (just the two of us) in a civil ceremony. 

That was not received well by them. After living together for a year we did precisely that. I paid for everything. We didn't even receive a congratulations card from her parents or from anyone in her very large extended family. As a teenager I was disowned and subsequently shunned by my parents over religious affiliation (I told them that I do not share their religious beliefs). Due to the shunning that’s lasted over 20-years I was not able to introduce my wife to them (not that I would ever want to). 

I don’t take issue with my wife’s family for not wanting to meet me. They are entitled to their own biases and racial prejudices. My question and issue is with her; why is she forsaking her new family for them? I feel like I made a huge mistake marrying her and I need advice on what to do. Her family wants nothing to do with me, she refuses to introduce me, and yet she is there all the time. She acts like this is of little to no significance and that I’m overreacting when I address this with her. My wife and I are educated and both of us make over $100K a year. I wouldn’t accept one cent from her family and their belief that I am with their daughter just to be able to shake them down (her unemployed ex-husband did) I find patently offensive.


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## blessedhusband (Apr 10, 2016)

I'm very sorry for the frustration and sorrow you must be feeling. It sounds like her behavior is a deal breaker for you. If you feel that strongly about it, and I understand why you do, then you need to be very clear about spelling out your expectations in the relationship. You clearly have certain ground rules in mind. Make sure she understands what those ground rules are and let her decide whether she is willing to accept them. Ultimatums can be very dangerous in any relationship, but are sometimes necessary. You seem to have a willingness to compromise. From what you say, it would appear that she is the party less agreeable to compromise. So instead of thinking about this as your "should I stay or should I go?" decision, think of it as her decision. That means making yourself vulnerable and letting her choose what she wants. You may find yourself very hurt by her decision. Of course, all of this can be done with tenderness and respect on both sides. 
I wish you the best.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This is a tough call. 

I need to ask this question. Was your dating relationship this way, or did she change rather abruptly, after marriage? If she is Indian then I understand the religious and ethnic bias that could result. 

Most Indians are very polite and would not let you see any prejudices that they might feel. The men are more set in their ways than the women, in my experience. 

The caste system is still in effect though not as overt as before. Younger Indians are breaking away from this way of looking at other [tribes], be they brown or white. The Sikhs that I have befriended are very traditional and can be biased.

Families are very tight in East Asia. You will not be able to break this family unity. Not that you would want to.

The fact that they shunning you forces you to return their bad manners.

She is on her second marriage. She did not learn from her first, apparently.

I see her heading for a third. She is either spoiled, is selfish, clueless or a puppet of her family.

You need to move far away from that bunch. If she refuses, she has no future potential as a long term mate. Sorry.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Really Confused Guy said:


> she is there all the time.


How much time does she spend with her family each month?

How is your relationship when you are together?


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