# dogs and husbands



## steffb (Sep 13, 2016)

My dogs were my world before I met my hubby.. while we were dating and engaged the dogs were allowed inside the house, not allowed on the couch or furniture but still able to be inside and be apart of the family. The minute we got married he kicked them out and said they are no longer welcome inside because it makes him "uncomfortable". The dogs are both house trained and well behaved. I have a basset hound and a german shepherd, the thought of them living outside has since brought up a lot of resentment towards my husband not to mention a lot of fights and the fact that he waited til after we were married to show this side of him. We went to counseling and since it is still summer out the counselor mentioned putting a pin in it until the days get colder. So November 1st we are talking about what compromise to do for the dogs. What are your opinions? Is it wrong to start thinking about separating because of this or am I being unreasonable?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

No kids? Divorce him. What an a$$hole. 

Oh, how's the sex life? I can't imagine you want to spread them for a guy like that...


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

So what are you saying that he did a bait and switch? You had no idea he was uncomfortable around dogs and put on a show to get married then kick them out? If that's the real story, having trouble believing it, then by all means you should leave since you were lied to.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Yeah, this is almost unbelievable. Did you guys date for 1 week before getting married?


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## Legend (Jun 25, 2013)

Your dogs are far less important than your husband (hopefully). I don't allow dogs in my house. I love animals but I don't like the odor and I don't care for fleas. Animals have a place with people and families but they are not human beings and should not be treated as such.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

A former neighbor of our would say all husbands are dogs 

Do you dote on the dogs, maybe cook them some, say, chicken for just them, but not your husband? That is, does he maybe resent the dogs?


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## steffb (Sep 13, 2016)

We dated for a year and a half and were engaged for 4 months before getting married. Yes he did hide that he was uncomfortable with them being inside. He would brush them out before having them come inside for the night but that was the only indication about it.


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## Ernst (Jan 12, 2011)

Husband should come first, then pets in my opinion. 

Sent from my SM-P600 using Tapatalk


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Pets are incredibly important to some people. Other people are really uncomfortable around dogs. 

I would never wish any harm to come to a dog, but I very much dislike being around them. 

He knew you had dogs, and if they bothered him he absolutely should have said something before you were married. 

Is there any chance for a workable compromise where the dogs get part of the house, but he as a dog-free area, including the bedroom to retreat to?

If not, I hate to say it but divorce is the only option. You will always resent him if you have to leave your dogs outside, and if he really can't stand dogs, then he will never be happy with them in the house.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

A lot of "husband comes first" posts here. <<scratching my head>>

Husband knew she had dogs when they started dating. Husband knew she had dogs when they got engaged. Husband never gave wife any indication that he didn't want dogs in the house. Dogs that have been raised to be inside dogs. 

How long have you been married? Any children? Was he not willing to compromise- say, they can stay inside but keep them out of the bedroom?

Where are you living now? Same house? Did you buy a home together?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

steffb said:


> We dated for a year and a half and were engaged for 4 months before getting married. Yes he did hide that he was uncomfortable with them being inside. He would brush them out before having them come inside for the night but that was the only indication about it.


Ok ok

And when you point that out to him and say, we were together almost 2 years before getting married, you knew I had dogs, you knew they were inside animals so why did you not disclose any of this before 

What does he say?


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Call him out on the bait & switch but work out a compromise (Dogs have access to 2-3 rooms or only have access to the 1st floor, etc). Please make sure they come inside during the winter. (I have a pretty soft spot for pets). 

He did that knowing how important they were to you. That's cold. I'd be concerned about what surprises he'll have for you in the future.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

And I wouldn't be rushing to have kids with him.


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## steffb (Sep 13, 2016)

We do not own a house together and do not have any children. I do not give the dogs more attention whatsoever more than my husband, I mean how can I when they have to live outside? The max attention they get a day now is maybe 30-60 minutes. I get that some people talk about how houses become dirty with animals but we do not have any carpet in our home. It is all stained concrete and we clean on a daily if not weekly basis. When I do try to "call him out" on why he married me when he knew how I felt about animals he instantly goes to "just divorce me then" that is clearly the last thing any person wants to have done in their marriage (and I feel like thats a bit of manipulation on his part for jumping straight to that) but I just feel like I was led on to believe that he understood that the dogs were raised as inside dogs. In the summer I can understand they love being outside and they are kept outside while we are working but I live in the PNW and our winters are very cold, to me it is animal cruelty to keep them outside.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

How's the marriage? Is it healthy? Lots of loving? Lots of sex?

I just see this as two people who met online, not wanting to be alone forever, and watching TV together every night. Maybe I'm wrong?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

just my 2 cents. Those are kind of big dogs to live with. My Grand Father had shepherds, and My Dad had one Basset. Right now I'm trying to transition to a pet less life. I'm not full of sympathy for you. But even considering all of that your husband is being a real jerk about this and I'd pack his bags for him.


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## silex (Sep 13, 2016)

You don't really know someone until you marry them.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is this the only thing that he pulled a bait and switch about? Have there been other not so pleasant surprises about who he really is since you both married?

His bait and switch is a huge lie. It points to several major character flaws that would be hard to live with. One is that he’s willing to lie to manipulate you to get what he wants. Another is that he is apparently unable or unwilling to see you as an equal partner, he thinks that he can just make big unilateral decisions and you have to do what he says. Then to top it off, when you try to discuss this he tells you to divorce him. Well I think you should give him that. 

My bet is that this dog issue will end up being the first of many unpleasant surprises. You have not been married long. A divorce would be very easy to do.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

steffb said:


> We do not own a house together and do not have any children. I do not give the dogs more attention whatsoever more than my husband, I mean how can I when they have to live outside? The max attention they get a day now is maybe 30-60 minutes. I get that some people talk about how houses become dirty with animals but we do not have any carpet in our home. It is all stained concrete and we clean on a daily if not weekly basis. When I do try to "call him out" on why he married me when he knew how I felt about animals he instantly goes to "just divorce me then" that is clearly the last thing any person wants to have done in their marriage (and I feel like thats a bit of manipulation on his part for jumping straight to that) but I just feel like I was led on to believe that he understood that the dogs were raised as inside dogs. In the summer I can understand they love being outside and they are kept outside while we are working but I live in the PNW and our winters are very cold, to me it is animal cruelty to keep them outside.


This is less about the dogs and more about control. He is showing his control. The "just divorce me then" attitude needs to be shut down RIGHT NOW. He will continue to use that phrase to control you in other areas.

Tell him if he ever says "just divorce me then" again, you WILL DO IT without hesitation.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I believe that when we take on pet ownership, we are agreeing to keep that pet and give it the best care that we can for the duration of its lifetime. To me that means providing basic necessities like food, shelter, medical care and decent treatment. 

I think a lot of people IRL think I am crazy, but I consider each commitment in the order that they came. I had pets before I dated my husband and those pets have an expected life span of 20 years. So I made sure my husband knew we came as a package. It's fine for people to dislike animals and not want to live with them, it would just mean we are incompatible. If my husband appeared to be fine with it and then decided he wanted my pets gone, he would find himself on the other side of the door.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Keep the dogs. Ditch the husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> A lot of "husband comes first" posts here. <<scratching my head>>
> 
> Husband knew she had dogs when they started dating. Husband knew she had dogs when they got engaged. Husband never gave wife any indication that he didn't want dogs in the house. Dogs that have been raised to be inside dogs.
> 
> ...



^^^I'm not in the "husband comes first" camp. 

OP what you have allowed your H to do to your dogs is cruel. They are pack animals and you are the most important part of their pack. They were not raised as outdoor dogs and to just start making them live outdoors is cruel. 

I'd never allow this in my home. Your H kept his feelings on your dogs being indoors to himself until it was "too late" since you are now married, that is bvll****! I'd fix that married part really quick. I wouldn't let my dog sleep outside for one night, but I'd have no problem tossing your H out onto the street if I were you. Your dogs will never lie to you, your H already has.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

kag123 said:


> I believe that when we take on pet ownership, we are agreeing to keep that pet and give it the best care that we can for the duration of its lifetime. To me that means providing basic necessities like food, shelter, medical care and decent treatment.
> 
> I think a lot of people IRL think I am crazy, but I consider each commitment in the order that they came. I had pets before I dated
> 
> my husband and those pets have an expected life span of 20 years. So I made sure my husband knew we came as a package. It's fine for people to dislike animals and not want to live with them, it would just mean we are incompatible. If my husband appeared to be fine with it and then decided he wanted my pets gone, he would find himself on the other side of the door.



^^This^^

I don't think you are crazy at all. This is exactly how I feel.


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## silex (Sep 13, 2016)

kag123 said:


> I believe that when we take on pet ownership, we are agreeing to keep that pet and give it the best care th.


Tell that to the guy who chains his dog to the tree all day long.

It's unfortunately quite common.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Dogs > People ... kick his as$ to the curb

My W knows how much I love dogs. If she decided after we got married that they were off limit, that would undoubtedly led to the end of our marriage.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

steffb said:


> My dogs were my world before I met my hubby.. while we were dating and engaged the dogs were allowed inside the house, not allowed on the couch or furniture but still able to be inside and be apart of the family. The minute we got married he kicked them out and said they are no longer welcome inside because it makes him "uncomfortable". The dogs are both house trained and well behaved. I have a basset hound and a german shepherd, the thought of them living outside has since brought up a lot of resentment towards my husband not to mention a lot of fights and the fact that he waited til after we were married to show this side of him. We went to counseling and since it is still summer out the counselor mentioned putting a pin in it until the days get colder. So November 1st we are talking about what compromise to do for the dogs. What are your opinions? Is it wrong to start thinking about separating because of this or am I being unreasonable?


*Keep the dogs! They are much more loyal and will never cheat on you!

Put his a$$ in the backyard doghouse!

After all, I really can't help but believe that his derrière ought to already be well-entrenched in the "indoor doghouse" by now!

 Ces pas? *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

A poster on one of my wife's forums has in her signature, "We got rid of the kids, the dog was allergic".


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

My H never had a pet growing up. Not even a goldfish.

I got a Toy Poodle, Patches, as a present to myself for my 19th birthday. That dog was there for my marriage, the births of my kids, the death of my mother and my divorce. He was a good and loyal friend, part of my family.

When we had been together for about 5 months or so and were talking about living together, he suggested I might "get rid" of "the dog". My reply was "That dog has been there for me through thick and thin. He's got 6 years seniority over you. He will never leave me, which is more than can be said for a man. If you're saying I have to choose between you or my dog, I will miss you." and then I walked away.

The next night he took my dog for a nice walk while I was at work and made an effort to accept pet ownership. 11 years later, he sat vigil with me as Patches, who was close to 17 years old, was passing away. Patches used to steal DH's shirts and pants, make a nest, and sleep on them. DH took of his shirt so his scent would be fresh and wrapped Patches in it for his burial. Part of the reason I love DH so much is that he has such a big heart. We now have 3 dogs, a cat, a tortoise, and a parrot.

Were I you, I'd tell him that the dogs are inside dogs and that you are willing to give him a dog free room or two. Then tell him if that arrangement is unacceptable to him, he's free to pack up and move on down the road.


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## silex (Sep 13, 2016)

It's so easy for people to say "divorce him and keep your dog over your husband".

It might sound good on paper but in real life it's not quite so simple as that.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

silex said:


> It's so easy for people to say "divorce him and keep your dog over your husband".
> 
> It might sound good on paper but in real life it's not quite so simple as that.


Yes, it is. They aren't long married, have no children, and no shared mortgage. The dog issue isn't just about the canines. It's also a compatibility and lifestyle issue. If they are incompatible, best to end it now before a baby and bills make leaving much more difficult.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

I feel disheartened and conflicted that often times when we hear about someone's marital problems, one of the first things suggested is divorce. The OP and her husband are practically newlyweds and for him to throw out the word divorce so cavalierly is troublesome. Dogs are very loyal, and although most people would choose the spouse over dogs or pets, resentment would inevitably set in, due to a feeling of us betraying our canine friends. Even if the dogs don't mean everything to us, we mean everything to them. This would be an easily solvable problem if the OP's husband were reasonable.

OP, it's your home, too. What would happen if you let the dogs in the house without asking for your husband's permission? Did he ask for your permission to kick your dogs out of your home?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

It's not about dogs <=> people. 

It's about a guy who never had an issue with a dogs before, gets married, and starts exerting control over his new wife. First it's the dogs that must go. What's next? 

This is a guy she needs to get away from ASAP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## silex (Sep 13, 2016)

Or she needs to learn to stand up to him.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Wolf1974 said:


> So what are you saying that he did a bait and switch? You had no idea he was uncomfortable around dogs and put on a show to get married then kick them out? If that's the real story, having trouble believing it, then by all means you should leave since you were lied to.


Agreed.

I'm a no dogs in the house person (except for seeing eye dogs, which is a necessity to the blind person, not the dog). If I was involved with someone who was a dogs inside person, then that means two homes, or we part company. Dogs is pack, family. If they're brought up as outside dogs, then that's pack rules. Or "dog's in" person wants to move into my territory, knowing it's dog outside territory" that's their call and they know the new pack rules (dogs outside). Likewise visitors get told to leave dogs outside, and if for some reason I have responsibility for a dog, then they get left outside (unless they're inside dogs, and we're visiting dog inside people.

I have a friend whose pomms would probably die of the shear shock if they were locked outside. They're not allowed on chairs, tables, benches, beds, or altars but apart from that they have the run of the place.

so yep bait & switch. but he's going to have make a choice to keep you and your pack - or if he's moved into your territory adapt to the rules or move on


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

spotthedeaddog said:


> Agreed.
> 
> I'm a no dogs in the house person (except for seeing eye dogs, which is a necessity to the blind person, not the dog). If I was involved with someone who was a dogs inside person,


I do hope you will tell me then that you are a no dogs person. Because making a dog live exclusively outside is cruel. What do you do, go cuddle with them in the yard? Dogs are not necessary. If you cannot love them, you do not deserve them. I would rather see a dog euthanized than put up with being abused and neglected. Poor things. 

Cuddling extra hard on my dogs right now who love me like no other creature could.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

It's funny, I have always had dogs, and I love them, but they disgusting. However, he knew that before he married you. He didn't bring it up at all? And did I miss something, or are you living in your house? My dogs weren't allowed on the furniture, but they were allowed upstairs. I hated that. I don't get sleeping with **** feet in your bed either.


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## Lukedog (Nov 18, 2015)

arbitrator said:


> *Keep the dogs! They are much more loyal and will never cheat on you!
> 
> Put his a$$ in the backyard doghouse!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


HaHaHa! THIS.....is the absolute best! 

I am in agreement with those in the "dog first" camp also. When we take ownership of a pet, we take on the responsibility to provide that animal with the best care possible....to feed it, to provide it the health care it needs, to love it and provide it appropriate living conditions. If you cannot do this, then you shouldn't have a pet.

And, I agree with those that say what he did was a big bait and switch. I see big control and manipulation issues, and this is just the beginning. Lord knows what he is capable of further on into the marriage.

NOPE! Love me, love my dog. Heck, I know I love my dog more than my husband! The next time he said...then just divorce me...I'd have the papers in my hand and serve him right then and there!


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## steffb (Sep 13, 2016)

Thank you all for your opinions. Whenever we would fight and I would think about separating from him because of the dog issue I always felt like I was being somewhat childish about it thinking it wasn't THAT big of an issue to the rest of the world but to me it was. This has helped me tremendously. 

November 1st we are to have our discussion and "compromises" about the dogs coming inside and if it still ends up with them living outside- I will take my fur babies and leave. Thank you so so so much again!


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Good luck, Steff. Hope it all works out.

How is your husband otherwise?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

silex said:


> It's so easy for people to say "divorce him and keep your dog over your husband".
> 
> It might sound good on paper but in real life it's not quite so simple as that.


Really ?


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

I think your husband should have mentioned this beforehand.

We have 3 dogs and they are in and out, but stay outside at night. 2 of them stay in the garage in their own cage. The third one, a beagle I found beaten and emaciated has some personality disorders and will not stay in the garage. 

I set up a heated dog house under a breezeway. Not very expensive and stays plenty warm in cold winters.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

steffb said:


> Thank you all for your opinions. Whenever we would fight and I would think about separating from him because of the dog issue I always felt like I was being somewhat childish about it thinking it wasn't THAT big of an issue to the rest of the world but to me it was. This has helped me tremendously.
> 
> *November 1st we are to have our discussion and "compromises" about the dogs coming inside and if it still ends up with them living outside- I will take my fur babies and leave. Thank you so so so much again!*



Good for you! I was hoping that you would do that. Personally I would not wait until Nov. 1st., I would just bring them back in. His moving them out was wrong and it should be corrected as soon as possible. 

Good luck, let us know what happens.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

steffb said:


> My dogs were my world before I met my hubby.. while we were dating and engaged the dogs were allowed inside the house, not allowed on the couch or furniture but still able to be inside and be apart of the family. The minute we got married he kicked them out and said they are no longer welcome inside because it makes him "uncomfortable". The dogs are both house trained and well behaved. I have a basset hound and a german shepherd, the thought of them living outside has since brought up a lot of resentment towards my husband not to mention a lot of fights and the fact that he waited til after we were married to show this side of him. We went to counseling and since it is still summer out the counselor mentioned putting a pin in it until the days get colder. So November 1st we are talking about what compromise to do for the dogs. What are your opinions? Is it wrong to start thinking about separating because of this or am I being unreasonable?


Separation? No. Go for an annulment, if you can. Because he married you under false pretences.

If you can't? Divorce the duplicitous creep, anyway.


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## steffb (Sep 13, 2016)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Good luck, Steff. Hope it all works out.
> 
> How is your husband otherwise?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ehhhh... i'm not here to bash my husband. He is controlling in other aspects of our marriage so its not like we have this dream marriage and our only problem is the dogs but they put the cherry on top of the mountain of other crap and I can handle myself and his controlling ways and stand my ground the best I possibly can without starting WW3 but the dogs rely on me for their happiness so...


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

steffb said:


> Ehhhh... i'm not here to bash my husband. He is controlling in other aspects of our marriage so its not like we have this dream marriage and our only problem is the dogs but they put the cherry on top of the mountain of other crap and I can handle myself and his controlling ways and stand my ground the best I possibly can without starting WW3 but the dogs rely on me for their happiness so...


Doesn't sound ideal. Don't ever be afraid to put YOU first. Anyway, good luck to you all - especially the dogs 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

steffb said:


> Ehhhh... i'm not here to bash my husband. He is controlling in other aspects of our marriage so its not like we have this dream marriage and our only problem is the dogs but they put the cherry on top of the mountain of other crap and I can handle myself and his controlling ways and stand my ground the best I possibly can without starting WW3 but the dogs rely on me for their happiness so...


Whether you're here to 'bash' this controlling assclown or not is immaterial. Just the fact that you've ALLOWED this tool to completely control you into degrading the quality of life for two innocent animals is reprehensible. Does this jerk have a body part made out of 24 kt gold or something? I'm assuming he must since you were so willing to bend to him by sacrificing the quality of life for two beloved family pets in order to keep his worthless ass around. 

Deep down you know you're not doing right by those animals. Shame on you.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Whether you're here to 'bash' this controlling assclown or not is immaterial. Just the fact that you've ALLOWED this tool to completely control you into degrading the quality of life for two innocent animals is reprehensible. Does this jerk have a body part made out of 24 kt gold or something? I'm assuming he must since you were so willing to bend to him by sacrificing the quality of life for two beloved family pets in order to keep his worthless ass around.
> 
> Deep down you know you're not doing right by those animals. Shame on you.


They are only dogs. Don't get too carried away. Question though is mr bait'n'switch really worth kicking two dogs out of their home/space. Alpha dawg makes the call, if outside they go, so be it. Would however, expect excellent dog accommodations with warmth and fenced yard (not chain!) for them.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

silex said:


> Or she needs to learn to stand up to him.


This early in the relationship? Not worth the fight.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

silex said:


> It's so easy for people to say "divorce him and keep your dog over your husband".
> 
> It might sound good on paper but in real life it's not quite so simple as that.


actually, yes it is.
they have no kids yet, and the bait'n'switch at such an early point will work in quite a few jurisdictions where "no-fault divorce" isn't practiced (it comes under "deceptive behaviors", and a decent attorney will be able to show there is little in the way of sacrifice and commitment at this stage (so neither party is giving up significant hopes/dreams/assets/or parts of their lives) and turn it into a significant warning sign of a troubled future for the union (ie the basis of the "deceptive behavior" test)


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

NobodySpecial said:


> I do hope you will tell me then that you are a no dogs person. Because making a dog live exclusively outside is cruel. What do you do, go cuddle with them in the yard? Dogs are not necessary. If you cannot love them, you do not deserve them. I would rather see a dog euthanized than put up with being abused and neglected. Poor things.
> 
> Cuddling extra hard on my dogs right now who love me like no other creature could.


I very definitely tell people I'm not a dog person, and/or not an dog's indoor person. My tenants aren't allowed dogs until they've proven themselves totally trustworthy and then I *might* extend them that privilege, and not inside at all. I'll only waive that in the last couple of years for an elderly dog, and only for a tenant I truly trust understands they're responsible for *everything* the dog does.

It's not that I dislike dogs, it's that when animals are about *I* am the alpha, and I grew up on an [animal] farm, and was owning/running a farming business for last 10 years up until last year (yes, the major part of my business folks was animal related farming - from legal, accounting, HR, and finance, right through to the bottom of the fence posts and underpasses) so I'm good with animals, but have about as much time for dogs as your average alpha lion.
Most animals are fine outside, as long as there's warm dry bedding, and the place of their housing is the right size and in a position that protects it from the weather. I'm not a fan of chaining animals up, and then only with big runs, and at night. Far too many people, city and rural, take only pack/animal responsibilities without understanding their social nature and lifespan. A friend of mine just got given a turtle from one of their customers. Turns out she'd bought it for their tween, but said child was now 18 and going to college, and parent "didn't realise how long they lived" and thought it would have passed on in about 8 to 10 years....


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

My husband had 3 Belgian sheepdogs and I'd never grown up with dogs,but cats. 

Now I seriously can't picture them out of my life. We also have my 2 cats (indoor) and a barn cat. 

Maybe your husband had been attacked before?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

When I met my husband, I had four dogs and four cats. He had goldfish. Grown up with cats. When we decided to live together we sat down and talked about everything - his daughter, money, working/not working and the pets.

My family's pets have always been house pets. Always. For us, putting a dog outside to sleep is unthinkable let alone making them live out there 24/7. I told my husband (then boyfriend) that when it came to my pets, there were two things that I absolutely wouldn't budge on - 1: I wouldn't force any of them to live outside 24/7 and 2: I wouldn't rehome any of them. Anything else - where they had access to in the house, whether they were allowed on furniture/in the bedrooms etc. was negotiable, absolutely.

We agreed that the dogs would live downstairs only, and not go upstairs to the bedrooms. Then hubby said "except L, he's been with you the longest and is used to sleeping on the bed". Ok, great, L could sleep with us, the others would be downstairs. Then hubby decided that wasn't fair, and the other dogs could come upstairs but sleep in a crate out on the landing sunroom, lol. Ok, cool, I can do that. Then, when his daughter begged and pleaded repeatedly for the girl dogs to sleep in her room he relented, as long as they were in their crate - guess how long that lasted?

Guess where all 4 dogs sleep now? Yep, you got it, on our bed. And guess who allowed it? Hubby!! Not me, I was a good girl, I followed the rules 

Lol! We now have 2 bunnies as well, and they have a large outdoor run where they go during the day, at night they sleep in a large dog crate in the loungeroom  

No way in hades would I allow anyone to just throw my pets outside to live and that's that. Not a chance in he!l.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

spotthedeaddog said:


> I very definitely tell people I'm not a dog person, and/or not an dog's indoor person. My tenants aren't allowed dogs until they've proven themselves totally trustworthy and then I *might* extend them that privilege, and not inside at all. I'll only waive that in the last couple of years for an elderly dog, and only for a tenant I truly trust understands they're responsible for *everything* the dog does.


What is the point of having a dog if you are just going to dump them out in the yard? Dogs are pack animals. They want to be with their pack!


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

NobodySpecial said:


> What is the point of having a dog if you are just going to dump them out in the yard? Dogs are pack animals. They want to be with their pack!


Mine likes to sleep in the bed with the pack. 60 lbs of pure muscle. He takes up as much room as he wants (we adjust around him) and he likes to sleep under the covers. The wife clearly said, if there is not enough room in the (king sized) bed, I can sleep on the couch. :|


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> Mine likes to sleep in the bed with the pack. 60 lbs of pure muscle. He takes up as much room as he wants (we adjust around him) and he likes to sleep under the covers. The wife clearly said, if there is not enough room in the (king sized) bed, I can sleep on the couch. :|


Ours actually sleep with us only very occasionally. They are crate trained. So when DH (goes to bed later) goes to bed, it is out for a last pee break and into the crates. But they hang out with us the entire time we are home.


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## silex (Sep 13, 2016)

spotthedeaddog said:


> This early in the relationship? Not worth the fight.


She'll have to do it sooner or later, with him or the next guy.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

frusdil said:


> When I met my husband, I had four dogs and four cats. He had goldfish. Grown up with cats. When we decided to live together we sat down and talked about everything - his daughter, money, working/not working and the pets.
> 
> My family's pets have always been house pets. Always. For us, putting a dog outside to sleep is unthinkable let alone making them live out there 24/7. I told my husband (then boyfriend) that when it came to my pets, there were two things that I absolutely wouldn't budge on - 1: I wouldn't force any of them to live outside 24/7 and 2: I wouldn't rehome any of them. Anything else - where they had access to in the house, whether they were allowed on furniture/in the bedrooms etc. was negotiable, absolutely.
> 
> ...


Your husband is a lovely, lovely man. 



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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

lucy999 said:


> Your husband is a lovely, lovely man.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


He sure is, I love him to bits, he has a very warm and generous heart


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

steffb said:


> We dated for a year and a half and were engaged for 4 months before getting married. Yes he did hide that he was uncomfortable with them being inside. He would brush them out before having them come inside for the night but that was the only indication about it.


Yeah...that's no good. Hiding his desire to keep the dogs outside is poor. What else does your H plan on throwing out in the yard because it makes him uncomfortable? This will be a point of contention for a life time. Sure you want that?

For me and my W we have 3 dogs that are treated very well. From swimming in our pool to chilling in our bed. They are family and true to form being a best friend who really is glad to see you no matter what. Furthermore, we just adopted a senior dog who is blind that was turned in by it's owner. We always liked dogs and understood they are part of the family. Oh yeah, we got a couple of cranky parrots and cat. Anyway, they bring much joy to our lives. Sorry to see your H does not see it your way.


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## steffb (Sep 13, 2016)

Well November 1st came and went and my hubby and I had the talk about the dogs. It did not go as I wanted as once again he said absolutely not the dogs are going to be staying outside and that's that. So the next morning my father came and picked me up from my work, took me home, I grabbed my things and my dogs and off to his house we went. I called my husband to tell him that I left and that I just couldn't do it anymore. I felt like I could breathe finally. I saw how absolutely happy my dogs were to just be inside and be able to be next to me as I watched TV. Unfortunately one of my major downfalls is guilt and I would rather see other people happy than myself. Something I think that I need to start going to counseling on my own to try to overcome. After seeing my husbands desperate pleas and begs for forgiveness and hearing his tears on the other end of the phone. I caved. We have a lot more issues in our marriage than just the dogs. He said he was going to change and to give him 2 weeks to prove it. In my mind and my gut I know its not right and I know that people can't ever change who they are especially when its part of their personality, but once again the tears and guilt made me do something that I didn't want to do. So I went home the next night, once again I know I should have given myself more time apart to think. And I am truly kicking myself for it now. 

What do I do now though? That's my biggest question- my whole family is now basically not speaking to me or telling me how stupid I am and then I have my husband who I am barely even talking to because I am just so pissed at the whole situation. Let's say in 2 weeks he says ok dogs can be inside just not in the bedroom or on the furniture and he changes the controlling behaviors that he has shown but then 6 months down the road these little things come out again? Do I have the right to just up and leave and give up on our marriage again? I know as the person I am, I am not going to keep leaving and keep coming back. This was the very first time in our whole relationship and marriage that we haven't actually "split" if that is what you want to call 1 night apart. I know if i'm not happy either I shouldn't stay in a marriage because its not fair to him. Just some helpful advice or maybe I just needed to vent. I just feel so lost now.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

spotthedeaddog said:


> They are only dogs. Don't get too carried away. Question though is mr bait'n'switch really worth kicking two dogs out of their home/space. Alpha dawg makes the call, if outside they go, so be it. Would however, expect excellent dog accommodations with warmth and fenced yard (not chain!) for them.


I had the martial bait and switch happen in my marriage to and I know how emotional it gets. I would like to know whether this bait and switch happened with other things in the marriage besides the dog issue. I would be careful here, it seems this guy is a control freak and if you give on this too much he'll try it with other things


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

So, he was going to change in two weeks, but you were expected to come home and put the dogs back outside? Really? You realize nothing has changed, right? Nor is it likely to.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

You went home and the dogs are still outside?! The condition for you going home should have been that the dogs are inside immediately but you could have agreed to keep certain rooms off limits. You can keep dogs out of individual rooms easily with baby gates in the door ways if you don't want to shut the doors. 

You basically went back to the same situation. 

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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You gave him a chance.

If he does not make the needed chances, then yes, it's ok for you to leave. Just stay gone if you leave again.

Are the two of you in counseling so that you two can negotiate what changes each of you needs to make?

You might benefit from the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs".


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

> We have a lot more issues in our marriage than just the dogs.


Yes, this is what I thought from the beginning. 

So, what were your fights like before you were married?


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## steffb (Sep 13, 2016)

I was basically a doormat and just giving into everything that he ever wanted because it just wasn't ever worth the fight for me. Eventually though I lost total sight of who I was as a person. My best guy friend's who I have had been friends with for 10+ years have slowly got pushed out of my life because of his constant questioning and needing to know how long we talked for and what we talked about even though he has met the one that has lived in town and he has sat with me on the couch while I talked to the other who lives across the country. Both might I add have never been anything romantic towards me in the slightest bit. I used to be not a "big drinker" but as an adult women I enjoy my glass of wine after work or on the weekends and that was slowly phased out because he doesn't approve of drinking. I step back and see how I was manipulated and controlled to change who I am as a person to accommodate him and his needs, but how do I make him see that so he can agree that us being together is not right for either of us. It soon became my phone would have to be put on silent and kept in my purse because it was "our time" even though in the all the time we have been together I have only done maybe 5 things total on the weekend. He doesn't have any friends, his choice. He doesn't have any hobbies anymore. He just completely surround me as the center of his world.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

steffb said:


> I was basically a doormat and just giving into everything that he ever wanted because it just wasn't ever worth the fight for me. Eventually though I lost total sight of who I was as a person. My best guy friend's who I have had been friends with for 10+ years have slowly got pushed out of my life because of his constant questioning and needing to know how long we talked for and what we talked about even though he has met the one that has lived in town and he has sat with me on the couch while I talked to the other who lives across the country. Both might I add have never been anything romantic towards me in the slightest bit. I used to be not a "big drinker" but as an adult women I enjoy my glass of wine after work or on the weekends and that was slowly phased out because he doesn't approve of drinking. I step back and see how I was manipulated and controlled to change who I am as a person to accommodate him and his needs, but how do I make him see that so he can agree that us being together is not right for either of us. It soon became my phone would have to be put on silent and kept in my purse because it was "our time" even though in the all the time we have been together I have only done maybe 5 things total on the weekend. He doesn't have any friends, his choice. He doesn't have any hobbies anymore. He just completely surround me as the center of his world.


Pack back up, grab the dogs, call your parents and beg forgiveness, and go back home. Please. If you stay with this man, he will slowly suck out your very soul.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> Pack back up, grab the dogs, call your parents and beg forgiveness, and go back home. Please. If you stay with this man, he will slowly suck out your very soul.


I disagree. 


It won't be slow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jarhed (Nov 11, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> So what are you saying that he did a bait and switch? You had no idea he was uncomfortable around dogs and put on a show to get married then kick them out? If that's the real story, having trouble believing it, then by all means you should leave since you were lied to.




Unmmmmmm. How is this different from being baited and switched with Hot Sex and BJs, only to have those things change after wedding cake!? 

Not saying he is right, I think he's an AHole.... but just saying 


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Honey your issues go much further than the dogs...what your husband has done with regards to your phone, your friends, questioning you about what you discuss with your friends...those are all the classic actions of a controlling, abusive spouse. They isolate their spouse from friends and family, under the guise that they are a "bad influence". They change your habits slowly because "it's better for you".

The dogs were just the tip of the iceberg.

What would he be like with a child? What will happen when the child vomits on the couch? Or draws on the wall? Or puts little hand marks on the windows?

At the very least, you should move out and insist that the two of you undergo counselling BEFORE even considering whether or not to stay with him.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

jarhed said:


> Unmmmmmm. How is this different from being baited and switched with *Hot Sex and BJs, only to have those things change after wedding cake!*?
> 
> Not saying he is right, I think he's an AHole.... but just saying
> 
> ...


Yep and straight up I have a lot of trouble buying those stories as well. I think so long as you spend the time to get to know someone you generally know what you are getting. Where we fail is that we think we can change that other person and can't.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

CharlieParker said:


> A former neighbor of our would say all husbands are dogs
> 
> Do you dote on the dogs, maybe cook them some, say, chicken for just them, but not your husband? That is, does he maybe resent the dogs?


I'm sorry ... I found this very amusing







...I guess I am with the others... was this some sort of animal bait & Switch here?... Aren't these things discussed, him showing at least some initial annoyance with the dogs beforehand...something... knowing this could be an issue down the road...

Just anther case of incompatibility here...it can cause some really bad feelings.. I know people who love their dogs so much.. even if they keep messing in the house.. even if they chew the couch up. Some of us would just not put up with that... we'd have our limits to how many privileges Rover gets.

Outside of this about dogs & husbands.. it sounds from your other postings he is a controlling/ abusive man & you are better off , taking your beloved dogs and leaving him.. if they get you out sooner.. all for the better.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

I'm a complete animal lover and he knew that when he married me. 

It's a package deal..love me..love my dogs.

Everyone is different, but our dogs sleep with us and are allowed on the furniture. They're part of the family.

Different likes for different types I guess.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

As a person who loves dogs i can understand how you feel. 
Your H sounds manipulative, maybe next time he says something, call his bluff, go see a lawyer and give him the papers. 
You married him under false pretenses, my concern would be what others things will he bait and switch you with. His response, 'divorce me then' shows a total disregard for your feelings, an unwillingness to meet you half way and an attitude that he is the boss. Something terribly wrong with this picture. I wouldn't let this one go, as you will face more challenges, a long the way, you do not want to end up becoming a doormat or someone who always gives in. There has to be a compromise on both parties side. Would it be possible to have them indoors say 6 months of the year and outdoors 6 months (when warmer), something like that. What are his reasons for not having the dogs in the house?


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## steffb (Sep 13, 2016)

I have not brought the dogs back yet. They are still at my dad's while I try to sort the rest of our issues out, the dogs were just the cherry on top of everything. I do agree with everyone though and I have been standing my ground. We have a counseling session scheduled for tomorrow and once again I am going to bring up that if the dogs are not inside then we will no longer be able to make this work. 

His reasoning for not letting the dogs inside is the "dog hair" and "dirt" bother him. Before we got married and the dogs were allowed inside he would just brush them off before bringing them in and we would vaccuum and clean every day. So he basically was just keeping the peace until after the wedding and he has already said that he felt that he couldn't say anything before we got married because it was "my house" and he had moved in with all of my belongings. So basically he just kept his mouth shut until it was "legally" his and then he could just change all the rules on me. 

This is my first marriage, as with him. We are both from divorced parents. He always says "this is not how a marriage is, or you can't do this stuff in a marriage" Can anyone who is still happily married please tell me like what are the qualities and traits to a happy marriage? How often should you be able to go see your friends, should you get alone time to just have some space? Do you keep your phones on you and text when you want or at least when its the appropriate time? Is it better to have a joint account versus separate accounts with each person paying the bills evenly? Him and I just differ on how him and I think a marriage should be.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

steffb said:


> His reasoning for not letting the dogs inside is the "dog hair" and "dirt" bother him. Before we got married and the dogs were allowed inside he would just brush them off before bringing them in and we would vaccuum and clean every day. So he basically was just keeping the peace until after the wedding and he has already said that he felt that he couldn't say anything before we got married because it was "my house" and he had moved in with all of my belongings. So basically he just kept his mouth shut until it was "legally" his and then he could just change all the rules on me.
> 
> Can anyone who is still happily married please tell me like what are the qualities and traits to a happy marriage?



Extremely passive aggressive behavior. 

Well, even though I'm not happily married, I think compromise is very important in resolving conflicts. You give a little and you take a little. I'm easy going and I think this can work to my disadvantage. I'm working on speaking up more. I have a voice and it's going to get louder until you hear it and acknowledge.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Probably the biggest parts of marriage are negotiation and compromise - on BOTH sides. You should always try to negotiate a win-win wherever possible.

For me personally, marriage is all in or all out. No separate accounts, no secrets, full transparency. Not a half @rsed, one foot in one foot out arrangement. Hubby is the same - even though he's been divorced (he's my first and will be my only husband).

That's what works for us anyway. Like anything, you negotiate and compromise - and that's ongoing, it never stops...what may have worked 3 years ago may no longer work, so you re-negotiate.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

your husband is trying to control you. the problem with trying to control someone is that its impossible. you cannot control another person, you can only control yourself. 

OP, if you want to have a successful marriage, you need to simply state what you will and will not accept. decide for yourself what your deal breakers are. deal breakers are deal breakers, and you need to stick by them no matter how scary it is or how much it hurts. otherwise, you will simply continue to let your sense of self erode away. 

as for less important things, provide him with immediate and short term consequences to destructive behavior. for instance, if he threatens divorce, or even brings it up, tell him that you will leave for a predetermined amount of time and will refuse to talk to him during that time. 

when you left for the night, you triggered his fear of abandonment. which is absolutely fine. if you leave regularly as a direct result of his own destructive actions, but then come home after the determined time, he will start to become desensitized to that fear. he will start to see that you will come home, you arent going to completely abandon him. it will do two things: the fear and discomfort of having you gone will provide him with the motivation to compromise. and, it will cause him to communicate more effectively, as over time, he will see that you are willing to provide consequences, you mean what you say, and yet are obviously willing to keep trying so long as he does.

tell him that it will break your heart to have to leave him, but you will accept the pain of doing so if he will not accept you for who you were, are, and choose to be. let him know that you will accept the guilt you feel for causing him fear if he refuses to compromise. 

but first, make the decision to accept the ****ty feelings yourself. if you cant do that, then you wont be able to change anything. 

its ok to feel like crap. its ok to feel guilty. accept it and move toward your goal of a functional marriage. feel miserable but act anyway. the feelings will eventually pass. they always do.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The real issue I see here is not his problem with your dogs. 

The real problem is his problem with him being a manipulative liar.

He lied to you to get in with you. He manipulated you. 

What else will he lie about?

He needs to live by himself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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