# Beyond lost!!!!!



## Celly (Jul 29, 2015)

About a year and a half ago my husband and I lost a child (baby) to a rare sickness. We were both very devastated and had difficulty coming to terms to why it happened. The whole thing was so tragic and stressful. We both returned to work about three months after the loss, and in December about seven months after we returned to work he confessed that he was having an affair, and In love with another woman (who is also married with three children). She works with him at night. I was devastated and shocked. Before our loss we had a great relationship. I never thought he would cheat EVER! and thought that his behavior change was a result of his grieving. We both grieved very differently. I contacted the other woman's husband and he send me very intimate text messages between the two that he found, and told me that the only reason my husband confessed was because he threatened to tell me. The next day My husband told me how sorry he was and stated that he wanted us to work. I forgave and did everything I could to make it work (I thought loosing weight, cleaning more, buying new clothes, and basically catering to him would work). Then a month later he moved out into his own apartment because he "needed to clear his head." Long story short he continued to talk to the other woman behind my back and had her in the apartment daily. He even took my son around her children and the two continued to maintain the affair. He told me that he wasn't in love with me anymore and told me to move on. I ended up talking to a guy online who I never met in person who went through a similar situation which really helped me get through the betrayal I was feeling. When my husband found out because he was tracking my phone (which I didn't know) he called me horrible names and made me feel like everything was my fault. He returned home three months later stating that his affair with the other woman was over. I believed him because I wanted so desperately to save my family. We have a four year old son. My husband never stopped talking to her though, and never stopped meeting her up. I confess that I am guilty of continuing to talk to the other guy as well. Everything hit the fan when I found messages between the two last week on an app. My husband and her were talking about the times they had sex and he told her that he loved her. In addition he stated that the only reason he was home was for our son. She was contemplating getting her own place as well and stated that she really missed him. This resulted in our first major altercation where he stole money from me and I scratched him when he tried to pin me down. This is not me at all!!! I signed paperwork for an apartment and plan to move out next week however now he is acting genuinely sorry. For the first time I feel that he is being empathetic to what he has done. He feels like this deserves one last chance. I love him so much and am sick by the fact that I am walking away but know that this environment is very toxic for my son. I feel sad all the time and have no energy in this environment. Will I regret leaving? Can my marriage be saved if I move to an apartment with a 6 month lease?

First post. His affair started exactly one year ago.


----------



## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Get the apartment, file for legal separation, and demand he attend marriage counseling. If he fvcks up even once, file a motion to proceed with divorce.

Meanwhile, you *MUST* expose the affair to his family and friends.

You have the rest of your life to decide if you are willing to accept him, but you need to show him now you absolutely will not accept his behaviour.

Expose him and serve the separation papers, you will quickly see how serious he is wanting this marriage, when he sees how serious you are about ending it.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He's not sorry. Well, he's sorry he got caught. But that's it. Move on. Move out. Let him EARN you back over a period of a full year. If he won't do that, you're better off without him.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You are plan B , you have to show him that you are more than willing to move on without him.
Do the 180
Proceed with the new apartment
Live your life independently of him
Go to IC and Mc
He must give up all contact with OW, whole family and friends must know, expose all for accountability
One more screw up you proceed with divorce, no more chances, he is keeping you hanging on for his benefit only


----------



## Celly (Jul 29, 2015)

Wow thanks everyone. Never quite saw it like this. It definitely feels like I am "plan B." He knows I'm getting the apartment and is acting like an ******* again. I get the keyd next Friday and i feel so sick about it. Thanks for the comments it looks like I'm definitely doing the right thing.


----------



## Celly (Jul 29, 2015)

Also our families know but I haven't told too many others. Exposing him means exposing myself. I'm so embarrassed that this happened to me. We are definitely that couple that will shock everyone when we split. So humiliating.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Geez. Just divorce.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There's no reason for you to be embarrassed. You didn't do it. Tell the truth and let them support you.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Celly said:


> Also our families know but I haven't told too many others. Exposing him means exposing myself. I'm so embarrassed that this happened to me. We are definitely that couple that will shock everyone when we split. So humiliating.


The humiliation will fade. Make a list of all of the great, positive things you bring to a loving relationship. Read it over and over. 

I absolutely think you're doing the right thing by moving out. But, if you truly want to try to repair your relationship during this separation, you must not be involved with another man - online or in person. Of course that goes for your husband, too, but you can only control yourself and your actions.

Does the OW's husband know the two of them are still carrying on?

I'm SO sorry for the loss of your baby .


----------



## Celly (Jul 29, 2015)

I appreciate your message.. Thank you. I'm not sure if I want to save my marriage at this point. I plan to use the time away to focus on myself and my 4 year old son. I've been telling people about why I am moving out and I guess it's starting to all feel more real. The embarrassment is starting to go away. My husband doesn't even seem to care and I feel like he will use this time to stay in contact with her. The OW still lives with her husband and it seems like she lies to him too. He keeps forgiving her though so I'm tired of giving him information. My hope is that moving out will mean I don't have to be in this mess anymore unless he shows me that he's willing to fight for this like I have been all along. Even then.. I'm not sure anymore.. Is it normal not to know what I want at this point? I feel like the more time that passes the less I even want my marriage to work. I get the keys tomorrow!


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Divorce this douche bag and take him to the cleaners in the process!

Cheating really sucks. Cheating after your baby died!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You are moving on and detaching. As you are detaching, the want to make things work out will lessen and the more anger and resentment will be aimed towards him. The pull to reconnect is also going away.

As he continues on this path, you will associate less positivity with him and to protect yourself, you will move on.

Keep in mind that your relationship is over and you are no longer a couple. He ended the relationship.

He is currently in the infatuation stage of love, an obsessive state. It could take a few months to a few years to wear out. To him, he feels like he is with his soulmate.

Honestly, just focus on you and your son. If he wants to be apart from you, why waste energy focusing on him. You should focus that energy on those who care about you and yourself.

At this point, the only reason why he would come back is because the magical feelings wear off and the OW does not meet his fantasy, or she leaves him. There is a chance that they can make it last long term, and waiting becomes moot.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He's no longer in your life, ok? He's a POS. You deserve a REAL husband. Get the meanest lawyer you can find and remember he is NOT your friend; you owe him nothing. Start a new life as it should have been.


----------

