# Sex problems



## Spyda1337 (Aug 27, 2021)

Hi im new here and in need of help.

I dont really want to go into everything because its a long story.

Basically my wife cheated on me last year and had sex with someone in his car. Im still working on fiximg myself.

So iy was our 11 anniversory the other day.
We have kids so we thought we would go out get a takeaway and go sit at the beach just some one to one time which was really nice, she was wearing a really short dress and kinky underwear so i thought maybe we could go and have fun in the car she turned me down and said wait till we get back home, i wasnt happy with this because shr was happy to cheat on me with a guy in his car but wont do anything with me in her car, her saying no to me proper hurt me and we had a bit of an argument on the way home about how ive been asking her to do something with me in the car ever since she cheated on me but the answer had always been we will soon so tgis time i thought tonight is the night but like i said she said no wait till we get home. So me being hurt and upset i wasnt in the mood anymore. We got in she went straight to the bedroom and stripped off and i just got into bed we put a film on and i didnt touch her at all she fell asleep for a bit and basically if she even tried which she didnt the amount of hurt i was feeling i wouldnt even been able to anyway.

Was i wrong into thinking she was up for some fun in the car? 
Was i wrong for feeling hurt and being upset when it didnt happen in the car? 

Or am i over reacting?

I cant talk to her about it because well basically she jusy wont talk about any of it at all.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

I think the issue is less doing stuff in the car and more unresolved conflict from not dealing with the affair.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

The affair is still a big part of your relationship and you won't be able to move on until you both sort that out.

Sadly I've seen plenty of guys get eaten up by the fact that their wayward wives have done things with their AP's that they won't countenance with them. You can seeth about this in silence or you can be honest with her and say that it is clear that things are still not fully resolved from her affair and perhaps you guys need to work on that some more as her rejection of some fun in the car brought back a lot of the pain for you.

The reality is that it is not always possible to get over the massive betrayal of an affair and if you can it really takes years to heal properly. Again I've know couples flounder around trying to reconcile for years before one or the other throws in the towel.


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## Spyda1337 (Aug 27, 2021)

The thing is i cant deal with the affair or resolve any of the issues because she wont talk about it and if i mention anything about it it causes arguments. The cheating happened around our anniversory last year for a couple of months after the affair happened we was going fantastic but since around jan it seems to of got pretty bad again. Im hurting pretty bad but i want us to get through it for our sake and pur kids sake but im starting to get to the point of wanting to walk out the door and not come back. It seems like she cared for the first couple of months but now doesnt really seem to be bothered its like she thinks i should be over it now.....


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

You either have to talk about it or divorce, what you are doing now is slowly eating your soul.


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## Spyda1337 (Aug 27, 2021)

Its killing me from the inside and its starting to show on the outside as well. But afain how do i talk to her about it when she wont talk back? Do you think she wont talk about it because of guilt? Because like i said id i try talking to her about and tell her how im feeling she turns it round to her being depressed..


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Two thoughts

1 
She could be holding a lot of guilt about that particular location and feel very uneasy about it. If you can communicate that this is actually a way she can actively do something to help you overcome some of the pain of her cheating - ie by replaying the mind movie with YOU as the leading man having sex with her in the car, it would confront the issue head on in a daring way, and do some active healing for both of you. 

2
You've been asking, you've been telling. This needs some DOING. 
Next time you're having passionate sex with her in bed, at the height of her passion, tell her in her ear with conviction - "this is how I want to f you in the car... " - Imprint your assertive need and intent and connect it strongly to her present moment of passion with YOU.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Spyda1337 said:


> The thing is i cant deal with the affair or resolve any of the issues because she wont talk about it and if i mention anything about it it causes arguments. The cheating happened around our anniversory last year for a couple of months after the affair happened we was going fantastic but since around jan it seems to of got pretty bad again. Im hurting pretty bad but i want us to get through it for our sake and pur kids sake but im starting to get to the point of wanting to walk out the door and not come back. It seems like she cared for the first couple of months but now doesnt really seem to be bothered its like she thinks i should be over it now.....


Of course she wants you to be over it by now. That is what every cheater wants, for it to just be a minor blip, easily forgotten about. But it isn't!

Find a marriage counsellor and book a session at a time you know you can both make it. Tell her that you have arranged this session and that you will be attending with or without her as you need support to deal with this. Let her know that her not attending will be a clear indication to you on how much she values the marriage.

Time to start being clear and decisive here.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Spyda1337 said:


> _*Its killing me from the inside and its starting to show on the outside as well. But afain how do i talk to her about it when she wont talk back? Do you think she wont talk about it because of guilt? Because like i said id i try talking to her about and tell her how im feeling she turns it round to her being depressed..*_


You're clueless, you poor man.

When they make NO effort to become a better person for you, when they make NO effort to understand the pain they caused you and the damage they've caused you in every single way, and when they're NOT working hard trying to find ways to rebuild your trust in them, that tells you EXACTLY how much they don't care.

Your wife is showing you over and over and over and over and over *how much she doesn't give a rat's ass *about YOUR pain, about YOUR loss of a secure and safe marriage, and about YOUR healing. She couldn't care less!

Stop trying to think that she has "guilt" and that's what makes her ignore you and keeps her from doing what she SHOULD be doing. She's shown you loud and clear she doesn't care.

I'm guessing you're going to continue orbiting around her begging her to love you and telling yourself it must be "guilt" that's been keeping her from *doing the right thing* toward you since you caught her. 

*Wake up*, OP. Find your spine, find your dignity, find your self respect, and wake up.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

You need couple counselling. That said, I would never stay with a cheating partner.


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## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

Spyda1337 said:


> Hi im new here and in need of help.
> 
> I dont really want to go into everything because its a long story.
> 
> ...


I get it. I'm in the same boat. When you figure it out let me know lol. It's hard to forget and you get this mentality that she owes it to you as a wife to go out of her way to try and make it better for you. Just make sure you explain yourself and ask her how she would have felt if the table was flipped. I found out my wife lied about her ex tit*# banging her and now I cannot even bring myself to do that without thinking of them. Hard to forget.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Spyda1337 said:


> Hi im new here and in need of help.
> 
> I dont really want to go into everything because its a long story.
> 
> ...


There was a thread on here awhile ago by a woman entitled "Why I did with him what I wont do with you" or something similar. It seems wayward women are prone to throw all inhibitions out and do anything / everything with their AP that they never did and will never do with their husband. Nothing you can do about that, she will never be as wanton with you as she was / will be with a new man while committing adultery. Maybe it is the excitement of sneaking around that amps everything up, who knows.

In answer to your questions, my answers would be No, No, and No. IMO your WS has a looong way to go if she wants to remain married to you, and if she isn't willing to throw our all of the stops for you, she should be turned into a single lady ASAP who can get her jollies with whoever.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Spyda1337 said:


> Its killing me from the inside and its starting to show on the outside as well. But afain how do i talk to her about it when she wont talk back? Do you think she wont talk about it because of guilt? Because like i said id i try talking to her about and tell her how im feeling she turns it round to her being depressed..


You have to deal with it. It will take you having the courage to not back down.

You need to get from her everything you need to heal. If she is not willing to do that, then there is nothing left to talk about. Did they only meet up one time and that is it? How was the affair discovered? Who was he to her? These are all things that have to be talked about, or you will continue to suffer in silence until it overwhelms you.


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## Spyda1337 (Aug 27, 2021)

Tasorundo said:


> You have to deal with it. It will take you having the courage to not back down.
> 
> You need to get from her everything you need to heal. If she is not willing to do that, then there is nothing left to talk about. Did they only meet up one time and that is it? How was the affair discovered? Who was he to her? These are all things that have to be talked about, or you will continue to suffer in silence until it overwhelms you.


I kmow most of it i dont think shes told me the full truth about it all, she met up with him alot more than once it was going on for almost 3 months from what i can tell and have worked out. She has told me she only had sex with him once and shes stuck by that ever since she came clean but i still dont believe it was just the once and i never will but thats just one of those things where it may or maynot come out eventaully....


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Spyda1337 said:


> I kmow most of it i dont think shes told me the full truth about it all, she met up with him alot more than once it was going on for almost 3 months from what i can tell and have worked out. She has told me she only had sex with him once and shes stuck by that ever since she came clean but i still dont believe it was just the once and i never will but thats just one of those things where it may or maynot come out eventaully....


It will only come out if you make it.

Some one here can post a list of things that are recommended for a betrayed spouse. You need to process through them, as you didn't originally, you rug swept. Now, a year later, you are not healed, because you never treated the infection, it only gets worse from here unless you do something.

In 3 months, they had sex way more than once. Sorry, but we are talking about adults. They didn't meet in secret to kiss or talk or hold hands....


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## Spyda1337 (Aug 27, 2021)

Well shes at work atm wr normally have a date night every sat night but my mum is off work tomorrow so ive suggested to my wife that we have date nihht tonight and have asked my mum if the kids can stay with her tonight and wife and mother have bith said yes. So what im going to do is im goimg to try and make the night as romantic and relaxing as possible aka hot candle lit bubble bath nice romantic dinner a film then a candle lit calming massage and see where it all goes then she will be in a good state of mind in the morning and i am going to have it out with her and see what comes of it its either going to be a make or break conversation.....


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Spyda1337 said:


> I kmow most of it i dont think shes told me the full truth about it all, she met up with him alot more than once it was going on for almost 3 months from what i can tell and have worked out. She has told me she only had sex with him once and shes stuck by that ever since she came clean but i still dont believe it was just the once and i never will but thats just one of those things where it may or maynot come out eventaully....


Well, the chances of just one sexual encounter in a 3 month affair is highly unlikely so the fact that she is persisting in that fiction fits in with the minimising and rug sweeping she is trying to do about this.

Looks like there is some serious unfinished business here and she is going to be really reluctant to go back there and reveal what you know, that she has not been open and honest with you.

As I said, get that counsellor booked and give her the choice to work on this with you or not. The counsellor can either help you both to try and get to a point true reconciliation or she can help you alone in figuring out how to get out of a marriage where you are constantly being disrespected and lied to.


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## Spyda1337 (Aug 27, 2021)

Tasorundo said:


> It will only come out if you make it.
> 
> Some one here can post a list of things that are recommended for a betrayed spouse. You need to process through them, as you didn't originally, you rug swept. Now, a year later, you are not healed, because you never treated the infection, it only gets worse from here unless you do something.
> 
> In 3 months, they had sex way more than once. Sorry, but we are talking about adults. They didn't meet in secret to kiss or talk or hold hands....


She said they just spoke alot about our relationship sue reckons they never even touched each other till that one time, and trust me im an adult and i know it doesnt work like that i know it was more its just she wont admit it all the signs was there to point to the fact that it was defo more than once.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Spyda1337 said:


> She said they just spoke alot about our relationship sue reckons they never even touched each other till that one time, and trust me im an adult and i know it doesnt work like that i know it was more its just she wont admit it all the signs was there to point to the fact that it was defo more than once.


If she won't tell you the truth, you have to decide if you can live like this or not. She does not get to make that decision for you. Unfortunately you have to be willing to end it all if you want any chance of saving it.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Spyda1337 said:


> Well shes at work atm wr normally have a date night every sat night but my mum is off work tomorrow so ive suggested to my wife that we have date nihht tonight and have asked my mum if the kids can stay with her tonight and wife and mother have bith said yes. So what im going to do is im goimg to try and make the night as romantic and relaxing as possible aka hot candle lit bubble bath nice romantic dinner a film then a candle lit calming massage and see where it all goes then she will be in a good state of mind in the morning and i am going to have it out with her and see what comes of it its either going to be a make or break conversation.....


I'd really recommend against this. Setting her up for a lovey dovey night as a prelude to a confrontation will not end well. You are just going to get more of the defensive stonewalling and counter accusations of "why have your brought this up and ruined our night?".

Don't be romantic when you aren't in the right place to be. Try and follow some of the advice on her and be more direct and clear. She needs to do a lot more work to repair your marriage. You running her nice baths with candles does not send that message.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Spyda1337 said:


> Its killing me from the inside and its starting to show on the outside as well. But afain how do i talk to her about it when she wont talk back? Do you think she wont talk about it because of guilt? Because like i said id i try talking to her about and tell her how im feeling she turns it round to her being depressed..


You don't. You're unwillingness to leave the relationship is enabling her poor behavior towards you. 

What you are doing is not reconciliation. It's rug sweeping.

She gets a pass for her pass. You have to accept it. The reason it's eating your soul is because you know you shouldn't do it, yet you still are.

She should have never been offered reconciliation without showing remorse. Included in remorse is the willingness to be completely honest about everything that occurred during the affair, openly.

The worst part of all of this is rug sweeping in a fair greatly increases the odds that it will happen again. Furthermore, you end up resenting the person staring back at you in the mirror.

Your attitude towards her should be something akin to the following:

"Wife, your affair has broken my trust in you. It is your responsibility to restore that trust, or we don't have a marriage. Every time you refuse to talk about the affair, or get angry at me for asking questions, it does just the opposite. You demonstrating a continued lack of remorse will leave me no choice but to end our marriage. The choice is yours as to how we continue."

I like to say that a wayward spouse should be willing to crawl a mile through broken glass to prove to their spouse that they have earned an opportunity for reconciliation. Your wife is clearly nowhere near that. And for your part, you gave her that opportunity for free, when there should be a cost associated with it.



Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Spyda1337 said:


> I kmow most of it i dont think shes told me the full truth about it all, she met up with him alot more than once it was going on for almost 3 months from what i can tell and have worked out. She has told me she only had sex with him once and shes stuck by that ever since she came clean but i still dont believe it was just the once and i never will but thats just one of those things where it may or maynot come out eventaully....


How do you feel about yourself when you consider you have given your wife the gift of reconciliation, yet you are certain she hasn't been entirely truthful about the affair?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Spyda1337 said:


> Well shes at work atm wr normally have a date night every sat night but my mum is off work tomorrow so ive suggested to my wife that we have date nihht tonight and have asked my mum if the kids can stay with her tonight and wife and mother have bith said yes. So what im going to do is im goimg to try and make the night as romantic and relaxing as possible aka hot candle lit bubble bath nice romantic dinner a film then a candle lit calming massage and see where it all goes then she will be in a good state of mind in the morning and i am going to have it out with her and see what comes of it its either going to be a make or break conversation.....


Why? Why are you romancing somebody who has no respect for you?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Spyda1337 said:


> The thing is i cant deal with the affair or resolve any of the issues because she wont talk about it and if i mention anything about it it causes arguments. The cheating happened around our anniversory last year for a couple of months after the affair happened we was going fantastic but since around jan it seems to of got pretty bad again. Im hurting pretty bad but i want us to get through it for our sake and pur kids sake but im starting to get to the point of wanting to walk out the door and not come back. It seems like she cared for the first couple of months but now doesnt really seem to be bothered its like she thinks i should be over it now.....


Is she back banging the OM?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

There’s this cool new thing called divorce.

You should look into that.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Spyda1337 said:


> She said they just spoke alot about our relationship sue reckons they never even touched each other till that one time, and trust me im an adult and i know it doesnt work like that i know it was more its just she wont admit it all the signs was there to point to the fact that it was defo more than once.


Lets see 3 mos is 12 weeks is 90 days. So twice each encounter every 2-3 days is 60-90 orgasms. Doubt she can or has given that up. But proly better at hiding her activities. Dump her


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Consult a solicitor to get your bearings. Then, tell your wife "You start talking or you start walking". Insist she prepare a timeline for the entire affair including what preceded the affair and what happened after she supposedly ended it.

Don't beg her for car sex - it sucks and you don't deserve sucky sex after she cheated.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Please be courteous and proofread your posts before you hit "Post reply". It's very difficult to understand what you're trying to say. We will try to help.


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## Spyda1337 (Aug 27, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You're clueless, you poor man.
> 
> When they make NO effort to become a better person for you, when they make NO effort to understand the pain they caused you and the damage they've caused you in every single way, and when they're NOT working hard trying to find ways to rebuild your trust in them, that tells you EXACTLY how much they don't care.
> 
> ...


I hear where you are coming from trust me a i really do im the one living it right now but its hard to just walk away when there is kids involved as well when you love your family. This doesnt just effect my marriage this effect my kids as well, its hard to think that if i just walk away i wull only see my kids at the weekends..


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Spyda1337 said:


> I hear where you are coming from trust me a i really do im the one living it right now but its hard to just walk away when there is kids involved as well when you love your family. This doesnt just effect my marriage this effect my kids as well, its hard to think that if i just walk away i wull only see my kids at the weekends..


We all get it, really, most people are on this forum for the same reasons.

However, what message does it send your children that it is ok for your wife to treat you and the marriage vows like this? Is it your fault she did this? Is it the kids fault? Was she thinking about your family, you, or the kids, when she was banging another guy for 3 months?

There is a lot of harsh words in the responses to you. They are not meant to hurt you, but to convey the gravity of the situation. These are the same thoughts you have, you just suppress them and pretend that they aren't there.

You seem to be a really nice guy, and that is not going to help you here.


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## Spyda1337 (Aug 27, 2021)

And im sorry if im not making sense... its hard to make sense of anything when you are in pain, your head is a complete mess and also doing this on a crappy phone.....


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## Spyda1337 (Aug 27, 2021)

farsidejunky said:


> How do you feel about yourself when you consider you have given your wife the gift of reconciliation, yet you are certain she hasn't been entirely truthful about the affair?
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


Sick to my stomache


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Spyda1337 said:


> Sick to my stomache


It is far better to trust your gut, and use it to appropriately to make the decisions that will see an end to that feeling.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Spyda1337 said:


> I hear where you are coming from trust me a i really do im the one living it right now but its hard to just walk away when there is kids involved as well when you love your family. This doesnt just effect my marriage this effect my kids as well, its hard to think that if i just walk away i wull only see my kids at the weekends..


By making the decision to cheat on you, your wife consciously destroyed your family, showed no care for her children, for her husband, or for her marriage. It's on her to restore all this if she is willing to rebuild what she destroyed. As others have said, rug sweeping her affair will not work and you will continue to hurt and she will continue in her entitled ways; she might even go back to the OM because she has faced no consequences for her betrayal. 

Have some self-respect and draw the exact terms of the reconciliation. Give her the choice of coming out clean or divorcing. She needs to do all the work, not you. You and the children are victims to her willful betrayal. When someone becomes a spouse and parent, they must act in a way according to their responsibilties toward their spouse and children. She clearly didn't. Do not romance her; do not show respect for her; do not envision reconciliation until she shows remorse and acts accordingly by telling all the truth about her affair. 

Having self-respect is also part of your responsibility toward your children. Having children part-time is better than living with them in a dysfunctional marriage where their mother is cheating on and disrespecting their father.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Spyda1337 said:


> Sick to my stomache


Because you are fundamentally compromising your moral integrity to remain within a marriage where your wife has not properly accepted what she has done nor atoned for it.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

You have this entire thing backwards. You are chasing her and she is controlling the situation. It should be the other way around. She is the one who screwed up, not you.

When you rugsweep an affair, it continues to rear its pain and head because it was never resolved. You should expect to mostly feel the way you do right now, until you address the affair properly, and if you don't address it properly, welcome to how you will feel the rest of your life.

Because this has gone on this way for a year, you are going to need to take strong action.

You should set out some demands and clearly tell her that not meeting said demands will force you to divorce her (and you need to mean it when you say it).

I would start the list with:
#1. She tells the full truth of the affair and provides a written timeline.
#2. She takes a polygraph (not because they work, just to see what she says when she is getting ready to take it).
#3 You DNA your kids, more to show her about badly she has broken your trust.


I wouldn't trust this affair is fully over and if it is, that she hasn't started another.

A faster way to get all this on the table would be to simply file the papers and have her served.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Let me see if I got this straight - she had sex with another man and you are still romancing her and trying to entertain her????


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

So it sounds like she had the affair and told you it and now wants to rug sweep this affair completely....she is living with shame and guilt all emotions that are self driven but it does not sound like she wants to do any heavy lifting to save this marriage nor make you want to stay....your approach is not working because she is not cooperative....i am also guessing you never stated the conditions to stay in this marriage and reconcile you kept your mouth shut now, nor did anything about the other guy because you allowed her to control the narrative....i am not sure if it is too late but i would sit her down away from the kids write down everything you want from her...all the work you need her too do or you will file for divorce on the bases of adultery and expose her affair to everyone...at this point you have no choice but wither to act or not act.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

Spyda1337 said:


> Basically my wife cheated on me last year and had sex with someone in his car. Im still working on fiximg myself.


I'll read the thread a little later and will reply again. Just by reading the opening post, here are my quick thoughts.

It sounds like you guys have rug swept this affair and still have not resolved the issues and feelings. She may feel like she has gotten away with having the affair without much repercussions and @Spyda1337 was left with holding the bag.

@Spyda1337, would you please take some time to tell us your story? With the additional details the people here may be able to help you better and can give you different points of view. You may get some harsh truths, but please believe me, people here would only want to help you.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

re16 said:


> I would start the list with:
> #1. She tells the full truth of the affair and provides a written timeline.
> #2. She takes a polygraph (not because they work, just to see what she says when she is getting ready to take it).
> #3 You DNA your kids, more to show her about badly she has broken your trust.


Just to say that the OP appears to be from the UK according to their national flag so it is worth pointing out that, outside of trashy daytime TV shows polygraphs are not really a thing here. Most people who matter in the UK realise that they are hokey psuedoscience. Of course the phenomenon of the parking lot confession is real but only if you are dealing with people who believe that polygraphs are accurate in the first place.

Also getting a proper paternity test without the mother's consent is difficult here. Of course there are the DNA ancestry tests, but they aren't as accurate and that isn't really what they are designed for.

OP needs some professional counselling support either to get a proper reconcilliation with his wife or to develop the resilience to end the marriage. He has been gaslighted and stonewalled for over a year now and so that will have left its mark.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Spyda1337 said:


> Well shes at work atm wr normally have a date night every sat night but my mum is off work tomorrow so ive suggested to my wife that we have date nihht tonight and have asked my mum if the kids can stay with her tonight and wife and mother have bith said yes. So what im going to do is im goimg to try and make the night as romantic and relaxing as possible aka hot candle lit bubble bath nice romantic dinner a film then a candle lit calming massage and see where it all goes then she will be in a good state of mind in the morning and i am going to have it out with her and see what comes of it its either going to be a make or break conversation.....


Has she suffered any consequences? You sure have. The last thing I would be doing is drawing up a bath. I would be drawing up divorce papers. For all you know your wife is still in contact with the OM.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Spyda1337 said:


> I hear where you are coming from trust me a i really do im the one living it right now but its hard to just walk away when there is kids involved as well when you love your family. This doesnt just effect my marriage this effect my kids as well, its hard to think that if i just walk away i wull only see my kids at the weekends..



Your upset and discourse in your home hurts the kids more. It is better to have 2 happy homes for the kids than 1 lousy miserable home. Do NOT stay for the kids sake. They will be affected no matter what you do. You should not suffer in silence.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Spyda1337 said:


> The thing is i cant deal with the affair or resolve any of the issues because she wont talk about it and if i mention anything about it it causes arguments. The cheating happened around our anniversory last year for a couple of months after the affair happened we was going fantastic but since around jan it seems to of got pretty bad again. Im hurting pretty bad but i want us to get through it for our sake and pur kids sake but im starting to get to the point of wanting to walk out the door and not come back. It seems like she cared for the first couple of months but now doesnt really seem to be bothered its like she thinks i should be over it now.....


So basically it sounds like your core problem here stems from the fact that you are not in control of your relationship. She is.

She clearly has more power and control than you do, and you are operating in her frame instead of your own. As a result of this, she does not respect you.

She cheated (gave herself to another man) and betrayed you, and you are essentially leting her dictate the terms of your reconciliation and continued relationship... 
That is weak and pathetic, and she is treating you accordingly. I know that’s not easy to hear, but you need to understand current reality in order to deal with it effectively.

There is no way for you to win in this dynamic.
You need to either take control of your situation or end it now.
You need to tell her that you’re not over her betrayal, and if she wants to try saving the marriage, she needs to do whatever you require for that to happen (i’m not talking about car sex at all here, maybe that comes later). You need to set some hard steps and standards that she needs to meet for you to consider continuing in this marriage. That’s what you should’ve done in the first place.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Spyda1337 said:


> Or am i over reacting?
> I cant talk to her about it because well basically she jusy wont talk about any of it at all.


Nah, they're always up for dirtier stuff in affairs than with LTR partners.
If you want to do that sort of stuff you'll need to find someone else's wife to do it with.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> Nah, they're always up for dirtier stuff in affairs than with LTR partners.
> If you want to do that sort of stuff you'll need to find someone else's wife to do it with.


Or start being the kind of man that she wants to do that stuff with. Currently, you’re not.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Or start being the kind of man that she wants to do that stuff with. Currently, you’re not.


Isnt it the excitement of sneaking around that amps WW up? They always up for whatever the OM wants. OP proly having mind movies imagining what went on in the car n whatever he can imagine proly happened more than once.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Spyda1337 said:


> Hi im new here and in need of help.
> 
> I dont really want to go into everything because its a long story.
> 
> ...


You chose to stay with an adultress?
Big miatake.
You will always be miserable.


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## plastow (Jan 4, 2022)

Spyda1337 said:


> The thing is i cant deal with the affair or resolve any of the issues because she wont talk about it and if i mention anything about it it causes arguments. The cheating happened around our anniversory last year for a couple of months after the affair happened we was going fantastic but since around jan it seems to of got pretty bad again. Im hurting pretty bad but i want us to get through it for our sake and pur kids sake but im starting to get to the point of wanting to walk out the door and not come back. It seems like she cared for the first couple of months but now doesnt really seem to be bothered its like she thinks i should be over it now.....


sounds like she has treated it very lightly or is she still having the affair.i would try to find out more as she would surely try to talk about it,how else can you recover unless all the details come out and you have asnwers to all your questions and doubts about her future conduct., i wish you well .


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## plastow (Jan 4, 2022)

Spyda1337 said:


> Its killing me from the inside and its starting to show on the outside as well. But afain how do i talk to her about it when she wont talk back? Do you think she wont talk about it because of guilt? Because like i said id i try talking to her about and tell her how im feeling she turns it round to her being depressed..


if so then let her be depressed and tell her how its making you feel which is a result of her actions not yours


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

First, I am sorry for what you are going through. Some of these posts here seem ridiculous. They are saying just leave and don't look back. But its obvious that you love her and want this to work 

I don't know your wife, but its possible that this was a one time major slip up and she feels extremely guilty which she should. If she felt no guilt, then she has no feelings for you. But her refusal to talk is making it worse. I believe you have every right to sit down and get some truthful answers. Her not talking is just building up tension in the marriage. She might be scared to talk out of guilt or there is far more than you realize. 
.
I would suggest a marriage counselor and the two of you see the same counselor separately. I believe the counselor can guide her on why opening up is crucial. The counselor can also understand exactly what you are looking for and maybe help the two of you understand what led to this..... Most people who cheat do so because there is a void in their relationship. Its a very destructive and immature way of trying to fill the void.

As far as what you did on date night asking for sex in the car?? What a dolt move!! She is feeling extremely guilty inside and you are trying to recreate the same situation.... That is like taking a soldier who is suffering major PTSD from a heavy engagement to a gun range and getting upset that he cant relax and enjoy himself.


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