# Lost myself



## Who am I?

First off, I want to say that I love my husband more today than when we met. I can't imagine myself without him and the thought of divorce makes me sick. We have a blended family and my boys love him. Our son (together) is only 8 and I just can't imagine him without his dad daily in his life.

So the problem. I have lost who I am. I feel like I have allowed my husbands inconsistency and unbalanced behavior to effect everything in my life. We have been married for 14 years. It's getting worse. 

He's drinking at least 4 nights a week if not more. He goes to church, then he doesn't. I promised myself that I would go to church with or without him and I don't. I feel like he's the priority, before the kids. So now I have guilt that I haven't been who I am for my kids and have allowed myself to be transformed for the negative in my opinion. 

My husband has a porn addition, also. I don't seem to be as concerned about this as I should, truly a few years ago I decided that i needed to focus on our relationship the one that I see, not the "secret" parts. He doesn't cheat on me with other women. 

So what's the question? How do I find myself? Are there any good Christian books or non-Christian books about finding yourself and keeping your marriage. Seems like lots of stuff on after divorce or single women finding themselves. But I need to keep my marriage and find myself. Have the courage to be me, stand up for me and my kids for the things that I think are important and not let my husbands, on again off again moral compass be my guide.


----------



## Who am I?

My husband is my best friend, but when he's "cycling" its very hard and now it just seems to be more than ever and it's making me nuts. I was talking to a girlfriend about husbands and we are going to head to the book store to find books together. She is at a similar place, hers just being she wants to focus on who she is for a change. So I will look up that book online before I go to the store and see what I can find. 

I'm thrilled to talk to someone at Focus on the Family. Funny, years ago I wanted to move to CO to work for them! Not that I ever pursued anything but I really wanted to. Timing just never seemed right I guess.

Thanks for your suggestion!


----------



## uhaul4mybaggage

Look into going to Al Anon meetings. You will learn a lot more about alcoholism than you want to know. But knowledge is better than ignorance. Your relationship sounds co-dependent. Look up Codependent No More and read it. You say, "cycling." Is he bipolar? Medicated? Are you in counseling for yourself or is he? The longer you let problems fester, the less likely you will be able to fix them. Sounds like you are the only one at this point that sees the dysfunction for what it is. Move on it now. Best of luck to your family.


----------



## Knoxvillekelly

have you talked to your paster?


----------

