# I let myself down by having expectations



## ButterflyFree (Sep 28, 2011)

Mostly this is just me needing to vent as I only have my husband to talk to because I feel very issolated as a WW. Nobody understands why I want to work so hard for my marriage. 

So it's been 11 mos from DDay. We still take one step back after taking two steps forward. I've done a lot of looking back at our marriage and myself to see where I failed and doing everything different, I want desparately to be better for him and our marriage. I have been so open with the journey I've started to be a better person/wife. But most of the time he slams me further for recognizing it now and not then, WHY NOW? He gets angry when I do discuss the issues, his anger is a hugh fear of mine which shut me down years ago, but I am going to push thur this time. In the past, instead of discussing things in our marriage we started our own paths and only came together minimally for the kids. I learned early how to control and manipulate what I wanted, only because I had a mother that did this to me, so I inturn did this to my husband. I'm not proud of this but I have recognized and doing thing better/different than before. I'm changing my behavior/habits for the sake of our marriage and feels wonderful, free. He doubts it all, which can be daunting, but I want to be here for him/us.

So in everyday life I'm typically the positive one, don't really have time to be negitive (work full time, 3 active kids). Husband works shift work(nights) so every few days we don't see each other (single mom feeling) for a few days then he gets to be home for a few days, always changing from days to night and back again. This (tired/work sh!t) plays a big role as it's always his excuse as to why he can't....do whatever or talk or express himself. Or I get a very angry "It's HARD" ! So R has slowed, there is so much doubt on his part and he's unwilling to make any more effort or time to our marriage, it's all on me.

So we won't be together tonight because of work, thought maybe we could do Valentines/Date night last night. But instead of saying something myself, which I typically initiate date night, I thought maybe he would. Well my expectation was crushed. I got home early, even if we didn't go to dinner maybe suggest to do something small after, whatever, anything? But nothing so I was a little down and let him know that I did have an expectionation that I shouldn't have so I was unset with myself. In expressing my feeling of hurt which I brought on myself, never blaming him. He's only reply was "F**c Valentines!! What do you want from me when you were doing what you did last year at this time?" I agreed, and told him that I only hurt myself by having an expectation. So I went on to start dinner as he expects, his expectation of me cooking dinner for the family are always fulfilled. He didn't join me in the kitchen to help or be there instead he went to the garage to talk with his buddy, he's angry I'm hurt and he keeps the space between us. Wish I could of left him to fend for himself for dinner but I have kids to feed, they've always come to me. Instead of joining my family at the table when dinner was ready I went to the gym for some personal time to run and try and clear my head. Didn't really work.

His doubt is making me start to doubt R, can a WW do a 180? or a version of it? I'm starting to second guess that he wants R, his doubt is consumming him. I have maintained NC, have been completely open and honest with all my actions and feelings, I have dropped all my defenses. I've asked multiple times what else I can do? He tells me I'm doing everythings! But he doubts it all.....hasn't trusted anything (not even .001%) 

He has failed to go to MC a few times, always the same excuse "It's hard, I'm tired". I have had IC because I feel I need extra therapy but he only does IC if our MC request this (2x's) of him, he thinks he shouldn't have to do anything because he's not the one who had the A. 

Are we in limbo R? I so fvcked our marriage up more than it already was!! VENT/ RANT - guess I should get back to work!!


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

This is a tough one. Considering DDay was 11 months ago (March then?) he is probably prepping himself mentally for the anniversary of DDay. Valentine's Day is a huge trigger for people - it's a reminder of loving, being loved, and all the good and bad surrounding that. 

Your best bet during this time and during the DDay anniversary (we have to come up with a name for that) is probably to back off a bit, expect a rough 1-2 months.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I think Gabriel's right. It's too soon to try to do Valentine's close to the first D-Day anniversary. Tell him you want to reschedule your own personal Valentine's Day for August. It's nowhere near D-Day, he will should be further down the road to reconciliation, and flowers are cheaper.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Or just say nothing at all for awhile so he can cool his jets. Just back away for a bit and let the storm pass. 

I will say that I am a BS, our 1st DDay anniversary is in May, and I'm already thinking about it. It will likely not be a good time. And we are actually doing pretty well with our R. My wife only had an EA, not a PA. He may never get over what you've done. You have to realize that.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Butterfly, I know your story, and this is my general advice for you.

You should imagine the scenario that your H will never get markedly better. That two more years from now may show no improvements. You should set a date in the future in your head, a date that says, "if we aren't in a much better place by then, we have to just realize this is too far gone to save". 

I say this because you've ranted a lot on here about your H's lack of recovery, treatment of you, etc. At some point you won't be able to take that anymore. If that day comes where he hasn't forgiven you and isn't treating you like you need him to, and it's just been too damn long - then you should let each other go. This is a better plan than just complaining. 

My $0.02


----------



## ButterflyFree (Sep 28, 2011)

It's not even about valentine's, it's about me expecting him to want to be with me. To set up date night on his own regardless of the day. We work opposite shifts and don't get alot of US time together. In the past we both had expectation of each other, didn't communicate our needs and when it didn't happen resentments built. I did just that last night, had an expectation. To set up date night on his own regardless of the day. I didn't happen so I was hurt, but immediately realized that it was "I" who hurt myself and in trying to explain this to him why I was upset he took the opporunity and slammed me further. I going to fear opening up to him again if all he's going to do is rub it in my face at every turn. 

I was very much the contoller in the relationship and have to stop controlling everything, but it's a catch 22. If I don't initiate then I'm not showing him how much I want "US" at the same time I'm controlling?? So I'm trying to fine the balance of control.

I've done all the chasing and he keeps stepping back, I now feel like I'm chasing my own tail. I just want to see a small step in my direction since he says he "truely wants us".


----------



## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Dont expect anything for 3 or 4 years. Instead focus on giving without expectation, write him a loooooong hearfealt letter, just reminding him why he's soo special to you, what he means , dont mention the affair, mention your history with him, tell him why he's your man and there wont be any other like him, leave it for him, dont expect anything back, you have to do all the heavy lifting and it will be a looong while till he can even try and reciprocate. Just cause he wants you does not mean he can have you cause you slept with another man, that bond waas broken, it will take total patience and 150% commitment and determination and you'll have to fight for him, and you have to keep showing he's worth it, he's damaged, its devestating and a part of him died.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Read some part of your story.Were you lying a lot before he found out the EA and PA? How did he find it out? When trust is broken, it is very hard to earn it back. How he found out all this stuff is a very important factor in recovery. You TT'ed him. It will be a long time before he learns to trust you.


----------



## ButterflyFree (Sep 28, 2011)

For those in R....are you consistantly cold and mean to your wife who is giving 150% ?? At every turn do you tell them "it doesn't matter what you say because I'll never believe you" ?? Are you always angry when your wife opens up to you about her feelings or want you to talk about yours?


Yet he tells me I'm doing everything he wants and if I wasn't doing those things he would have been gone a long time ago. But his actions/words towards me don't reflect it. 

The one place that it feels right and perfect is when we are making love.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

ButterflyFree said:


> It's
> 
> 
> I've done all the chasing and he keeps stepping back, I now feel like I'm chasing my own tail. I just want to see a small step in my direction since he says he "truely wants us".


Tell him this - and tell him you're there for him when he's ready. And back off a smidge.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

ButterflyFree said:


> For those in R....are you consistantly cold and mean to your wife who is giving 150% ?? At every turn do you tell them "it doesn't matter what you say because I'll never believe you" ?? Are you always angry when your wife opens up to you about her feelings or want you to talk about yours?


I am not cold to my wife, but then again, my wife's A was emotional in nature and brief. Not trying to rip you here, but if my wife did what you did, there would never have been a reconciliation attempt. I would have divorced her and never looked back. So I can't relate completely to what your H is feeling. I'd have been gone and enjoyed my subsequent freedom from you.

You didn't just have a ONS, you had sex several times with a guy (or was it two, I can't recall). This is why I'm saying he may never recover or be nice to you. He says he wants "us", but he can't have that again. It has to be a brand new relationship. Re-read my post about what I think you should do.


----------



## lascarx (Dec 24, 2011)

Under it all, she's just asking "why can't he get over it already? It should be clear that I had justification."

She can't get through her head that 99.99% of the men who walk the earth would have given her the boot for what she did, isn't grateful for that in the slightest, has no inkling of what she's been given. Me-me-me at its worst.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

ButterflyFree said:


> For those in R....are you consistantly cold and mean to your wife who is giving 150% ?? At every turn do you tell them "it doesn't matter what you say because I'll never believe you" ?? Are you always angry when your wife opens up to you about her feelings or want you to talk about yours?
> 
> Yet he tells me I'm doing everything he wants and if I wasn't doing those things he would have been gone a long time ago. But his actions/words towards me don't reflect it.
> 
> The one place that it feels right and perfect is when we are making love.


Took me 4 years to get through to my wife. The way I see it, she deserved me trying to get her back even if she was cold to me. In the end it was worth it but there were times I wanted to throw in the towel and leave.

Put yourself in his position, if he cheated and then became all loving and caring how would you feel? I would NOT have taken my wife back if she cheated, done deal, over.

My wife gave me the song
More than words by extreme.

You want to know why he's cold, because he's asking himself why all of the sudden you're a loving wife. Spreading your legs makes a better wife?? I'm sorry to be harsh but my wife didn't hold back when giving me a piece of her mind. Because that's what she basically asked me at the beginning when I suddenly tried to turn into Mr. Perfect husband.

If your husband ate out another woman, stuck his thing in her and screwed her all night long over and over and over. Would you be sooooo loving and doting on him after that?

We won in this situation, they took us back for whatever stupid reason. Most cheaters are a-holes, we cheat it's ok to take us back, if they cheat F-U, get the hell out. Pretty sick isn't it.....

I will never cheat again on my wife, if I were going to I would D her 1st then move on. But the wife has already told me, if I leave her, she's taking my thing with her, cringes in a corner and hopes she was kidding around :rofl:

So ask yourself, can you handle his coldness towards you while you work your behind off trying to win back his love??? How much can you take before you want to give up?? And what does he have to do to make you feel wanted??

To me, just her deciding to take me back was enough to have me try. 4 years and it wasn't easy at all, you know how many pillows got beaten down and cursed at during that time 

BTW, after I cracked her and got most of my wife back, a game called WoW came a calling and how my wife has stayed with me this long is a mystery to me....So, yes I am lucky that I have such a great wife and I'm glad I sucked it up for those 4 years. Most people can't do it.


----------



## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Keep chasing, but let him be in control. There is a difference between initiating and being in charge. Find that line. And support him emotionally, as his wife.


----------



## asylumspadez (Jan 17, 2012)

It takes a long time to come back after an affair. You need to keep doing what you are doing and keep trying to rebuild the trust between the two of you. Its not something you can just get over, Trust me on that.

Also its valentines day (well the day before) and he doesnt see it as that, He sees it as "Its nearly been one year since I found out the woman I love was cheating on me". You have to put yourself in his shoes. He was the one betrayed and hurt, How would you feel if it was you who was cheated on?

Anyways, You gotta give it time. Its hard to come back from an affair so just keep working on it and I am sure that your relationship will soon grow back to its former glory. Just dont give up, That is the last thing you wanna do.


----------



## CruxAve (Dec 30, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> Took me 4 years to get through to my wife. The way I see it, she deserved me trying to get her back even if she was cold to me. In the end it was worth it but there were times I wanted to throw in the towel and leave.
> 
> Put yourself in his position, if he cheated and then became all loving and caring how would you feel? I would NOT have taken my wife back if she cheated, done deal, over.
> 
> ...


Cheatinghubby, as a betrayed, I appreciate hearing about what you have done to win back your wife.


----------



## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

Cheatinghubby, your story is a great example. It is good for us BS's to hear from somone on the other side. Being cheated on causes many of us to question what is wrong with us. My cheating spouse has worked hard to re-write history in order to justify his actions. It's hard enough to be betrayed but then to have history rewritten to fit the cheaters betrayal is the ultimate kick in the gut for me.


----------

