# Gone Baby Gone



## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

I have a lengthy thread that I've been posting to in "Considering D or S", but this forum may be more appropriate since I've been separated for 3 months, and I am likely headed for divorce. Please refer to the other thread for more detail:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/66213-wife-wont-come-back-what-do-i-do.html

Long story short...

My wife is 27. I'm 32. Married 3 years, together 4. No kids. My wife said that she was done with our marriage and left to live in another state with her sister in January. She blames me for being too negative, critical and neglecting her, and she blames my family for judging and not accepting her for our marriage downfall. She doesn't want to work on our marriage or go to marriage counseling. She went to one MC session to give me closure. I haven't spoken to her in over a month. No contact in 3 weeks. I've been in therapy since she left to improve myself, and it has definitely helped me with my negativity. I do want to reconcile, but I know that's out of my control.

Is it wise to stay dark with no contact in this situation with a wife who felt neglected during our marriage? Should she be the only one to initiate contact since she was the one to leave?


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## ConfusedInMichigan (Oct 27, 2012)

Man, its a rollercoaster! One thing ive learned is that there are so many variables its hard to give advice. I can say this though : im finally back with mine after almost a year and the only thing that works is going NC. Mine too said she felt neglected when she left but now that shes back she says she neglected me. Its nuts! It sounds cliche and cruel but it's true: if you love something set it free...once i did that she finally came back. Keep doing the IC, without that i would never have had the power to let go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

I will try to continue no contact, but I wonder if continued limited contact would be best since my wife is living 800 miles away. She has easily walked away from relationships in the past, including her ex-fiance and friends. She was even ready to walk away from me back to her home country before we got married unless I acted. I can't tell if she wants me to act now to win her back. Also, she blames me for not acting in support of her against my family as well as acting earlier to fix my depression. Will she likely take my no contact now as more non-action or neglect? I know that her father and mother had split before their wedding because he cheated, and he had to track her down and beg her to come back after being apart for a year.

I know I need to focus on myself, and I'm really trying to. It's difficult lately because I've never gone this long without contact with her. My therapist suggested contacting her to discuss the separation and moving on, but I'm not sure that's the best advice.


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## ConfusedInMichigan (Oct 27, 2012)

Well i can tell you this: i tried nc several times with limited success. It was only after i sent her an email that gave her a friendly, well wishing, GOODBYE did she come back asking me to go to counseling. Now, shes working harder than ive ever seen to make it work. Again, my situation was just as dark as yours
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

Well, my wife just called to say that she's sending me legal separation documents from the court. This is after she asked me the last two weeks to cover her medical bills, which I told her I would since she's on our insurance. She still wants to move on and doesn't see herself with me again. She says there's no one else, but she doesn't want to be married anymore, especially to someone in another state. She's also not willing to work on our relationship even if I moved near her. She doesn't want IC or MC, and she says she's happy now starting over. She wants this process to be easy and says she doesn't want anything from me. It looks like I'll be contacting a divorce attorney soon. 

Any advice?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Just out of curiosity, what was her childhood like?


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Just out of curiosity, what was her childhood like?


My wife had an interesting childhood. She caught malaria at age 2 and almost died. The medication she took for the malaria resulted in her having anger issues and a learning disability. She was made fun of for being cross-eyed and pulled from a school by her mother. Her mother died suddenly when she was 12, and she still cries about it. Her father brought in an evil stepmother and family the next year to join their family. My wife says this caused her family to fall apart. The stepmother apparently was overbearing and pushed my wife and her siblings away, something my wife still blames her father for. My wife grew into a beautiful young woman after being made fun of for her looks most of her childhood. She lived with and was always spoiled by her wealthy father until she was 22, when she moved to this country to study English. I met her the next year.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Mike:

You can't reconcile with yourself so I would let her go. You have no kids as well which is a positive, she doesn't want anything from you in the divorce another good thing.

As far as no one else -- you can't worry about it -- so even if there is --just set her free and live your life as best as you can.

You are still young -- you will be better off IMO.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

jh52 said:


> Mike:
> 
> You can't reconcile with yourself so I would let her go. You have no kids as well which is a positive, she doesn't want anything from you in the divorce another good thing.
> 
> ...


Yeah, it's unfortunate that she won't even try, but that's out of my control. I've been in therapy for 4 months, and I finally feel happy with myself and know how to meet my needs as well as hers, which were the biggest issues in our relationship. But, as with most walk away wives, she thinks it's too late and isn't interested. 

It doesn't really bother me at this point if there is someone else or not. Nor does it matter. She has been living 800 miles away for over 5 months, and I've been in the dark.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Well...it was a big release for me, in spite of my wife initiating the divorce, that I at least felt I had made every reasonable attempt to reconcile while at the same time stick to some boundaries, It's sad, having to let go of someone who you know so closely, but if one wants to really go, you cannot force them to stay..and begging only makes it worse.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

MM I know she's saying it over, but its not over till you sign the divorce papers. I'm not sure I always agree with NC, I mean why leave a person alone that's already disconnected because of neglect?

Its up to you, if you want to take more rejection or not. I mean the odds are 99% against you, but what do you really have to lose? Your the only one that can decide if you want to put in the effort.

What can it hurt to send a text or email every few days, and just say "just checking up on you", "making sure everything is alright".
and slowly build up to "just thinking of you", "you were on my mind today". See how she responds, or IF she responds.

Winning Your Wife Back Before It's Too Late: Dr. Gary Smalley, Deborah Smalley, Dr. Greg Smalley: 0020049055939: Amazon.com: Books

is a really good book, and although this might be too late, it gives you great tools than you can bring to your next relationship. Myself, for piece of mind, would want to know I tried EVERYTHING I could till the last second.

Good luck either way you decide to go.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

I agree that there's no way for her to see my positive changes with NC. I tried limited contact when she first left, but anytime I showed that I was thinking of her, she would leave me feeling manipulated and rejected. She always responds though, and she has initiated most of our contact since leaving. I don't want to live with the regret of my first love again, when I went NC and likely could have saved our relationship or at least tried to without thinking "what if".


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

If she's initiated, I only see that as positive, you have to be willing to let her vent to you, just keep listening to her, hold back judgement and agree. If she can vent enough before papers are filled out, she might even find a way to forgive you. She cant forgive you if she cant vent to you. That's step 1. Be willing to take the baby steps for now, even tho they are gonna be painful, or there is NO chance. SLOWWWWWWW but steady. 
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, so change it up. If you don't want to buy the book, and wait for it, or if you don't have a kindle, hit the library and check it out. Sending you all my positive vibes. Good luck

By the way another good text is "I sure have learned a lot about myself and what I was doing to you, I'm sorry" She needs to hear sorry!


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

Well, she has been venting about our relationship and my family for the 4 months since she left, and I say little besides "I understand". Anytime I do say something she takes it as criticism of her, which is a major reason why she left. She vented about my family mistreating her throughout the entire 3 years of our marriage after the fact even when they tried to make amends with her. She holds grudges and cuts people out of her life all the time, so I guess I should have expected this if things weren't going well. I have said things very similar to your last suggestion, but she doesn't care. 

I will check out that book you mentioned. A book that already changed my life was "Happiness: It's Your Choice" by Gary Applegate, which I read in conjunction with my therapy. It's all about positive rethinking and skill building to meet my needs, which I struggled with for many years.

http://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Choice-Development-Theory-Successful/dp/0961498706


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

3 years of neglect are not gonna be fixed in months, maybe a year. the fact she's sending separation and not divorce papers yet, also can only be taking as a positive. She's not gonna care, not yet, she doesn't even know you've changed or are even working on it. She might still not care, but like I said, what have you got to lose, your already bordering on divorce. Whats a couple more months, actually a couple of weeks if you do the every 3-4 days plan gonna do, it cant get worse right?

And the words, Im sorry, are your biggest friend right now, use them to your advantage, I understand doesn't give her justice if she's right in her feelings.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

It's true that I really don't have much to lose, unless she changes her mind about wanting something out of the divorce I suppose.

I have said that I'm sorry as well many times. I just try to let her vent and be understanding, but like I was saying she will probably vent about the same things for the rest of her life as she never lets her grudges go. I really want her to get help for that, but she doesn't want IC. She thinks she's fine and happy now. She doesn't understand that no good will come of blaming and holding grudges.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

My wife's sister came here with the separation papers last night. Apparently my wife has been testing me to see how much I care since she left. She has been flip flopping on wanting to try again or move on. When I told her 3 months ago that I wouldn't support her financially as a husband if she wasn't willing to support me as a wife and work on our marriage, she was really hurt and has been holding that against me. She doesn't think I've changed because she thinks I'm still mistreating her by cutting off support and that I don't care about her. It feels like anything I do is the wrong thing with regards to her.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

mr.mike said:


> It's true that I really don't have much to lose, unless she changes her mind about wanting something out of the divorce I suppose.
> 
> I have said that I'm sorry as well many times. I just try to let her vent and be understanding, but like I was saying she will probably vent about the same things for the rest of her life


Stop apologizing. Very unattractive. It's done and you've owned it. That's it.

Also, stop letting her dump her anger on you.

Stand up for yourself. You'll likely be very surprised how attractive she finds that.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

I didn't have a chance to look at the documents until now. My wife actually wants a summary dissolution not a legal separation, and she isn't asking for anything from the divorce. As she said she just wants this to be easy. It seems there's nothing more I can do to try and reconcile. Her sister told me that my wife was considering reconciling 3 months ago when she visited me, but she decided against it after I told her that I wouldn't help her anymore unless she worked on the marriage.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

mr.mike said:


> I didn't have a chance to look at the documents until now. My wife actually wants a summary dissolution not a legal separation, and she isn't asking for anything from the divorce. As she said she just wants this to be easy. It seems there's nothing more I can do to try and reconcile. Her sister told me that my wife was considering reconciling 3 months ago when she visited me, but she decided against it after I told her that I wouldn't help her anymore unless she worked on the marriage.


You still want her, don't you?


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

Conrad said:


> You still want her, don't you?


I do.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

mr.mike said:


> I do.


Then do nothing.

This is likely a test.

Have you told me about her childhood?


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Again, its never over till the divorce papers are signed. If you think you have regrets about your marriage, wait till you have regrets that you didn't do EVERYTHING to try and get her back.

This isn't like a cat with nine lives, you have A chance to fix this, you cant make any mistakes now. Get your head on straight and make the effort, or sign the papers.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Then do nothing.
> 
> This is likely a test.
> 
> Have you told me about her childhood?


That's what I was thinking too. Everything seems to be a test with her. She also has been checking our joint account during our separation, and she's apparently angry because she saw that I was going out when that's all she wanted me to do with her. And I wouldn't want to then because I was depressed.

I wrote about her childhood in a previous post:

My wife had an interesting childhood. She caught malaria at age 2 and almost died. The medication she took for the malaria resulted in her having anger issues and a learning disability. She was made fun of for being cross-eyed and pulled from a school by her mother. Her mother died suddenly when she was 12, and she still cries about it. Her father brought in an evil stepmother and family the next year to join their family. My wife says this caused her family to fall apart. The stepmother apparently was overbearing and pushed my wife and her siblings away, something my wife still blames her father for. My wife grew into a beautiful young woman after being made fun of for her looks most of her childhood. She lived with and was always spoiled by her wealthy father until she was 22, when she moved to this country to study English. I met her the next year.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Ok... that makes sense now.

She REALLY doesn't believe she's worthy of love.

She's making it easy for you to go BECAUSE she's trying to prove that's what you want to do.

Sit completely still and do nothing.

Work on yourself.

Stay with IC and observe her - like you were watching from 50,000 feet.

What you'll see is a damaged little girl who wants to blameshift and dump anger - above all else.

Stop apologizing


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

I'm going to see my wife on Sunday. She hasn't changed her mind about anything, and she thinks it will be good to meet for a final conversation as she put it. I'll see her for a few days after not seeing her in 3 months. I'm trying to make an effort to show her I care and for her to see that I've changed, but I'm afraid it may be too little too late. I figure that I have nothing to lose, and she won't see that I've changed if she doesn't see me, which her sister had also told me. I can handle the rejection since that's all I've gotten for 5 months.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

mr.mike said:


> I'm going to see my wife on Sunday. She hasn't changed her mind about anything, and she thinks it will be good to meet for a final conversation as she put it. I'll see her for a few days after not seeing her in 3 months. I'm trying to make an effort to show her I care and for her to see that I've changed, but I'm afraid it may be too little too late. I figure that I have nothing to lose, and she won't see that I've changed if she doesn't see me, which her sister had also told me. I can handle the rejection since that's all I've gotten for 5 months.


You sound like you're still kissing her behind.

What's actually going on?


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

I told her that I wanted to see her since I haven't in 3 months. She didn't object, but her feelings haven't changed. She acts purely on emotion, and according to her sister the men in her country don't take no for an answer and go after what they want. I know it's a game and drama, but that's how she plays it. Also my wife wanted me to be stronger and have a more take charge attitude during our relationship. I have been sitting still and doing nothing for 3 months while in IC, and it led to her sending me divorce papers. Do you think I'm making a mistake?


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Like Gut Punch would say, it has to be HER Bright Idea.

Requesting a meet appears needy and unattractive.

You give her enough space and remain mysterious to her... and she'll likely ask YOU for a sit down herself.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

ReGroup said:


> Like Gut Punch would say, it has to be HER Bright Idea.
> 
> Requesting a meet appears needy and unattractive.
> 
> You give her enough space and remain mysterious to her... and she'll likely ask YOU for a sit down herself.


Her bright idea was to file for divorce because I wasn't contacting her or showing that I care when I gave her space and remained mysterious. We had very limited contact for 3 months until recently. She's not likely to go after me because she feels that I neglected her both during the marriage and separation. So I should just continue this way and cancel the trip?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Mike,

I'd like to give you a thought project.

Read as many posts on this forum as you can stand.

You will see a pattern.

Husband asks wife, "Have your feelings changed honey?"

Wife, "No"

Asking that gives her the power to reject you - again.

She also appears to be making excuses for why she wants out.

When you are down there, observe her behavior and check for evidence of posOM.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Mike,
> 
> I'd like to give you a thought project.
> 
> ...


She has been making excuses for wanting out ever since she left. I don't even have to ask if her feelings have changed, she just tells me they haven't. Of course at the same time she was telling her sister that she was considering trying again, but that was months ago before I cut contact and support. I wouldn't be surprised if there was someone else by now.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

mr.mike said:


> She has been making excuses for wanting out ever since she left. I don't even have to ask if her feelings have changed, she just tells me they haven't. Of course at the same time she was telling her sister that she was considering trying again, but that was months ago before I cut contact and support. I wouldn't be surprised if there was someone else by now.


Would you feel better if you were paying her to bang him?


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

That meeting is a one way ticket to the pain train.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Would you feel better if you were paying her to bang him?


I don't have any evidence of someone else. But, if I sense there is someone when I see her, I won't have a problem going through with the divorce. I'm in the dark 800 miles away, so it's difficult to tell from here.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

GutPunch said:


> That meeting is a one way ticket to the pain train.


I can deal with the pain. What I have been doing hasn't worked. What would you suggest?

It's hard to take anything she says seriously, especially after her sister told me that my wife was thinking the opposite and testing me months ago. When she called last week to tell me that she was sending me divorce papers, she said that she expected me to be fine with it and make it easy for her. She didn't think I would have a problem. It seems like another test to me.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

mr.mike said:


> I can deal with the pain. What I have been doing hasn't worked. What would you suggest?
> 
> It's hard to take anything she says seriously, especially after her sister told me that my wife was thinking the opposite and testing me months ago. When she called last week to tell me that she was sending me divorce papers, she said that she expected me to be fine with it and make it easy for her. She didn't think I would have a problem. It seems like another test to me.


It is a test. She wants you to pine for her so she can reject you again and again. 

Give her what she wants. She wants to be single. OK that means no emotional, physical, or financial support from you. There's your space. You say it's not working, but chasing after her will only push her away. 

You live your life without her. Find happiness without her. 
Hit the gym. Go out with friends. She wants to play mind games, then you play to win cuz you are the MAN.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

She has experience living without you for a while. She thinks the grass is greener, and there's a good chance there's an OM fertilizing it for her. 

Saying no to a divorce is not a testament of love for her at this point, and gets you nowhere. Saying yes to the divorce is a testament of belief in yourself. Whether you make it "easy" or not is a subject for you and your lawyer to discuss. Easy for her may mean less advantageous for you.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

GutPunch said:


> It is a test. She wants you to pine for her so she can reject you again and again.
> 
> Give her what she wants. She wants to be single. OK that means no emotional, physical, or financial support from you. There's your space. You say it's not working, but chasing after her will only push her away.
> 
> ...


I agree with you. My wife unfortunately doesn't live in reality. She also has the added bonus of family to fall back on and support her. I gave her that space for 3 months, which she considers neglect. Her father had to chase her mother down with promises of change in order reconcile, and it worked. My wife wants the prince in the fairy tale to rescue her and shower her with love, and she actually believes he exists. 

I have been living life without her, and I will continue to. I go out with friends and family, play sports, work out and lost 25lbs. I go to IC weekly, and I'm finally happy with myself thanks to that.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Sounds like you are doing pretty good to me. 



> Her father had to chase her mother down with promises of change in order reconcile, and it worked.


Doesn't seem to work for most people.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

staystrong said:


> She has experience living without you for a while. She thinks the grass is greener, and there's a good chance there's an OM fertilizing it for her.
> 
> Saying no to a divorce is not a testament of love for her at this point, and gets you nowhere. Saying yes to the divorce is a testament of belief in yourself. Whether you make it "easy" or not is a subject for you and your lawyer to discuss. Easy for her may mean less advantageous for you.


She thinks the grass is greener because she and I both were unhappy in our marriage. I was unhappy with myself, and she was unhappy because I wasn't meeting her needs as a result. She doesn't think I've changed because she can't see any change 800 miles away. 

I told her that I would go through with the divorce. I will meet with a lawyer soon to discuss my options. She's not asking for anything. I do want to try everything I can to reconcile before filing the papers though. I don't want to live with regret.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

You seem very at ease about all of this. Whatever changes you've made to yourself, they seemed to have worked well. 

Your D sounds like it will be fairly painless. That's a relief. 

Heck man, the next thing we know is you'll be telling us that you already have a date lined up for next week.


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## livingalone (May 28, 2013)

mr.mike said:


> She thinks the grass is greener because she and I both were unhappy in our marriage. I was unhappy with myself, and she was unhappy because I wasn't meeting her needs as a result. She doesn't think I've changed because she can't see any change 800 miles away.
> 
> I told her that I would go through with the divorce. I will meet with a lawyer soon to discuss my options. She's not asking for anything. I do want to try everything I can to reconcile before filing the papers though. I don't want to live with regret.


These "tests" that you keep giving each other sound more like games to me. This is your life and f you really want another chance to make your marriage work than you need to fight for it and fight for your wife. Tell her exactly how you feel and that you're willing to do whatever it takes to have another chance to make you're marriage work. Acting aloof or distant just to see if she'll give in first is silly and will only continue the games and cause more bitterness. Be honest about your feelings and lay it all out on the table and if she still turns you down, then at least you know you did everything you could to save your marriage and move on with your life with no regrets. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

livingalone said:


> These "tests" that you keep giving each other sound more like games to me. This is your life and f you really want another chance to make your marriage work than you need to fight for it and fight for your wife. Tell her exactly how you feel and that you're willing to do whatever it takes to have another chance to make you're marriage work. Acting aloof or distant just to see if she'll give in first is silly and will only continue the games and cause more bitterness. Be honest about your feelings and lay it all out on the table and if she still turns you down, then at least you know you did everything you could to save your marriage and move on with your life with no regrets.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Except that it won't be true.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

Well, my wife just called and told me that she will see me just to talk about the divorce. She wants to move on, and she doesn't believe I'll change the way she wants me to. She doesn't want me to have any hope of reconciling because her mind is made up. So it's basically the same thing she tells me every time we talk.

I have been honest with my feelings, and I told her that I will do what it takes to make it work many times. It just leads to more rejection.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

mr.mike said:


> Well, my wife just called and told me that she will see me just to talk about the divorce. She wants to move on, and she doesn't believe I'll change the way she wants me to. She doesn't want me to have any hope of reconciling because her mind is made up. So it's basically the same thing she tells me every time we talk.


Believe her when she says she wants to move on and do not get sucked into the underlying tone of "will you break your back to bend for me" that's placed within saying something such as that.

In reality, she didn't have to explain a thing. A simple "I want to move on" is all that's needed, the rest is just a hook. There really isn't a point in seeing her after 3 months if nothing has changed, is there?


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

I suppose there is no point in seeing her if there hasn't been any change, and I may cancel the trip. Her new thing to do is to pressure me about signing the divorce papers, or she will get a lawyer. I told her that I will get to them when I get to them.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

mr.mike said:


> I suppose there is no point in seeing her if there hasn't been any change, and I may cancel the trip. Her new thing to do is to pressure me about signing the divorce papers, or she will get a lawyer. I told her that I will get to them when I get to them.


Tell her you're not ok paying for a divorce you don't want.


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## livingalone (May 28, 2013)

mr.mike said:


> Well, my wife just called and told me that she will see me just to talk about the divorce. She wants to move on, and she doesn't believe I'll change the way she wants me to. She doesn't want me to have any hope of reconciling because her mind is made up. So it's basically the same thing she tells me every time we talk.
> 
> I have been honest with my feelings, and I told her that I will do what it takes to make it work many times. It just leads to more rejection.


Have you told her these things in person or just over the phone? Having these conversations while you're hundreds of miles apart is not constructive. Look her in the eyes and tell her one more time that you want to fight for her and your marriage and if she is really done and doesn't want to reconcile, then hopefully it will bring you closure by having this conversation face to face and help you move on with your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Tell her you're not ok paying for a divorce you don't want.


I told her that it's not what I want, and I don't believe it's what she wants. But I will go through with it if she won't change her mind. This summary dissolution divorce will only cost the court filing fee. If she gets a lawyer it will get messy since I've made and paid everything for us for the past 3 years.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

livingalone said:


> Have you told her these things in person or just over the phone? Having these conversations while you're hundreds of miles apart is not constructive. Look her in the eyes and tell her one more time that you want to fight for her and your marriage and if she is really done and doesn't want to reconcile, then hopefully it will bring you closure by having this conversation face to face and help you move on with your life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have told her these things both in person and over the phone. I also told her that if she doesn't see me, she won't see any change. But she's not interested in seeing change or trying again. When she visited me 3 months ago, she said it was for closure then, but apparently she was considering trying again until I told her that I was cutting support if she wouldn't work on the marriage.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

I met with my wife last night for dinner. Seeing her was predictably awkward at first after 3 months apart, especially since she looked so beautiful. Our dinner wasn't painful at all really. She basically told me that her feelings haven't changed about moving on, and she feels angry every morning when she wakes up and thinks about being stuck in our unhappy marriage. She was testing me to see if I would call to offer emotional and financial help during our separation, and now she's holding that against me. She realized that she doesn't want to be with me anymore after struggling for months thinking that I didn't care about her. I told her that I will do anything to make it work, and that I will make the effort to be the husband that she deserves. But she's not interested, and she feels it's too little too late. We may have reached the point of no return. She said that she will never say never, and that signing the divorce papers may change her mind, but for now she wants to move on with moving on. I told her that I will sign the papers if that's what she truly wants. I asked that she go to IC before we get to that point though because she won't talk to anyone else about this.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

If you had continued supporting her, she'd have pocketed that money, her feelings still would not have changed, and she'd blame you for everything.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

She doesn't want a husband. She wants a doormat she can wipe her feet on.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

I saw my wife again the following night when I was invited over to her sister's for a BBQ. She made it clear the night before that she didn't want to talk about our relationship anymore. I didn't say anything about it, and we didn't talk much. It was actually a fun night, but nothing has changed between us. Of course I don't expect it to, especially in one day. I'm leaving tomorrow.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

I'm back home now. I enjoyed the trip whether it changed anything with my wife or not. I do see that her girlfriend that I've known for 4 years, and who was one of the few people at my wedding and I hers, just deleted me from her fb after posting a pic with my wife, so I guess that changed. Oh well, time to focus on improving myself again.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hi Mike -

Reading your story, my heart goes out to you. It sounds like you really have done all you could, and the outcome is now out of your hands. I am sorry it came to this, but you deserve to be with someone who will respect and value you. With all the great work you have done on yourself, you'll be better positioned to attract a more secure, mature mate and have a healthier relationship. Hang in there, and keep us posted.

Best Wishes, A12


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

Over the past few weeks I spoke to or texted my wife every few days, although nothing about our relationship. I set up appointments for her medical issues, and I checked on her to see how everything went. Now that all is good with her medically, she just called me to ask about the legal separation papers and when I will finish them. I'm not surprised at all. This is her pattern. She still says she'll never say never, but for now she wants our marriage over and done the easy way. It wasn't her dream marriage, and she doesn't want to think about the bad memories anymore. She said that respects me so she's not asking for anything, and she doesn't want to fight or hate me. And she still claims she didn't leave me, although she's been living 800 miles away for the past 6 months. Really? I asked her where she is right now if she didn't walk away. I told her that this isn't what I want, it's all about what she wants, and that she doesn't respect me enough to work on our marriage. I also told her that no marriage is a dream fairy tale, and that she keeps making excuses why we can't be together. It only falls on deaf ears. I'm tired of this. It's the same BS over and over. I told her that I will fill out the divorce papers. I'm going to see a lawyer next week.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Mike,

Give defiant people what they want.

And, you know she's defiant by her actions.

Don't listen to what she says, watch what she does.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

I've been contacting divorce attorneys all day to check my options, and I recalled that I first met my wife four years ago today. I was thinking of sending this email to my wife since she acts mostly on emotion and focuses on emotional events:

"Hi mrs.mike,

It's hard to believe that four years ago tonight you popped out your front door and said "let's go", which led to what I thought was the love of both our lives. I can still remember that day as if it was yesterday. And now I'm filling out divorce papers. You know that I would do whatever it takes to fix our problems, but I know that's not what you want anymore. I learned a lot about myself from our relationship and what I needed to do to improve and be happy with myself. Thank you for that. I hope you find the happiness you're looking for. 

Take care,

mr.mike"

What do you think? Is there any upside to a farewell message like this? Regardless I still plan on going through with the divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Don't do it.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

It looks like I had a bit too much to drink when I wrote that letter and posted it. It's manipulative and desperate. The rush of emotion has passed. I won't be sending it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hi Mr. Mike - 

I'm glad you did not send the letter -- good for you! I understand the urge, but know from painful experience it would only have made you feel worse (wondering if she'll reply, knowing it would probably just push her further away, keep you stuck by taking the focus off yourself and putting it back on her).

Happy INDEPENDENCE Day!!!! Take care and be well.

Cheers, A12


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

I've been in contact with my wife about once or twice every week this month. We haven't discussed the divorce. She just told me that she lost her job and is feeling down, so she called her rich father, who told her that he didn't raise her to work. He's flying her to her home country for 20 days, where as he says she'll be respected and taken care of. She says that wants to clear her head while visiting family and friends. I have a feeling she may not come back since she's struggling here, and I'm sure her father will try and offer everything he can to keep her there. I know it's speculation and out of my control, but the thought of her leaving the country for good is hurting. It doesn't help that I'm struggling, and my financial situation is even worse than when she left 6 months ago. I will continue to focus on what I can control and improve, myself, as I try to find a second job.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

Update

My wife and I have been in contact multiple times a week since she returned from her trip in August. We talk about how and what we're doing lately and our separate future plans, but there hasn't been any mention of divorce. We still laugh and are playful with each other. Sometimes she jokes about when she was my wife as if we're not still married. We haven't really talked about our relationship. This must be what limbo feels like. 

For my own sake, I need to finalize our relationship one way or another soon. The idea of divorce doesn't pain me as much, but I do still love her. Months ago I thought that I would give up on her and go through with the divorce. That seemed too easy and what she expected I would do though because she already felt neglected. I have tried to show her that I've changed and that I care about her. I really don't know if it's made any difference at this point or if anything will. 

Is there really any option besides divorce?


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hi Mike - 

I feel for you -- yes, what you describe is what limbo feels like. My year-long separation was agony for me, holding on to shreds of hope that he would change his mind and want to heal the marriage. Your self-esteem takes a big hit, too, because you are accepting crumbs and allowing yourself to be strung along, by someone who is rejecting you or very unsure they want to be with you. Ouch!

How long have you now been separated, is it nearly a year? I, too, took the posture that I would not initiate or pay for a divorce I did not want. It only left all the cards in his hands and made it impossible for me to let go. I just felt overwhelmed with powerlessness, dread, despair and uncertainty.

The surely are options besides divorce, but it takes two to tango. Unless both are willing to try, it is hard to see an upside to hanging on and prolonging the pain. She already knows divorce is not what you wanted, but she has not shown any willingness to help the marriage survive, so there comes a time when you draw a healthy self-protective boundary: "As much as I may still love her, and wish it had not turned out this way, I am not OK staying married to someone who does not want me." In the end, we have to love ourselves first :butterfly:

Again, my heart goes out to you -- I've been through it and know how hard and disappointing it feels to let go of the hopes and dreams of who you thought that person would be. But you are young and have every possibility of rebuilding and starting a beautiful new chapter. 

Be well, and keep us posted.

Warm Regards, - A12


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Sorry you are still in this limbo MM. 

What kind of response would it generate if she were to "find out" that you are "dating"?


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

I know that eventually I will have to file for divorce if no progress has been made between us. We've been separated for over 8 months now. At some point I have to let go completely. Months ago I thought that I hadn't tried hard enough to save our marriage, but now I don't think there's much more that I can do. She hasn't changed.

If she found out I was dating, it would most likely add to her anger and push for divorce. I know that she checked our bank account in the past during our separation, and she was angered to see that I went out to a bar that we used to go to. She thought that I was meeting women there, and she even joked about that last week. She has always been very jealous. I have a feeling she would think that's what I wanted to do all along, and it would justify our divorce even more in her eyes.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

-Update-

After 5 months without mention of divorce and friendly communication on a weekly basis, she filed. I was served yesterday. I spent today looking for attorneys and have a meeting tomorrow. She still doesn't want anything from me, so it should go as smoothly as a divorce can I suppose. It hurts, but I do feel I tried to do as much as I could to save our marriage over the past 10 months, so I don't feel regret about that. She just wants out.

Time to move on for good.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I don't understand. All she want is from you to change, change, change and maybe you don't realize this but she's the one in dire need for change. If anything, first and foremost she needs to do some serious growing up to do. 

It must be nice to be able to walk on water amongst all the great unwashed but from what you say, she's been pointing the finger of blame at everyone and never accepting or correcting her own faults. 

If it was me I would tell her face to face that she's more than welcome to find another guy and make his life a living hell. With her attitude and her feelings that she's superior, I would hand her a bucket of ashes and dust and tell her that she can build her perfect man and kick him to the curb when she tires of him. Cut her loose man. You'll be doing yourself a great service


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Be glad you didn't have any kids with this person. 

I recommend not giving her one more minute of your time, energy or resources. No drama, no hate, no raw emotions. Just stoic business at this point. 

I also recommend you do not continue in a friendship with her. She fired you as her husband. That is the greatest rejection. Allowing her "lets just be friends" post divorce (if she offers that) is the biggest mistake you can do for yourself. That just lets her off the hook. She doesn't actually want to be your friend - she wants to soften the blow to both of you. 

She's put you through the emotional wringer for almost a year. There will be many more women in your life, Mike. Be glad you're done with this one. 

Here to support.

HL


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

helolover said:


> be glad you're done with this one.


amen!


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

helolover said:


> Be glad you didn't have any kids with this person.
> 
> I recommend not giving her one more minute of your time, energy or resources. No drama, no hate, no raw emotions. Just stoic business at this point.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

So sorry to hear, I know it is painful, but you did all you could so now it is out of your hands. I went through the same thing -- the hell of a year-long limbo, during which I allowed myself to feel jerked around because I wanted to badly for him to change his mind and share my desire to mend and save the marriage. When the D finally came, it did bring closure and I've made progress, though I can't say I've gotten over it completely. I still tangle with "one-itis" -- the notion that we were meant to be together and there can be no one else for me. I hope this eases with time (it has been about 6 months since the D was finalized).

IMHO, when the walk-away spouse tries to be all friendly it is out of guilt and not wanting to be the "bad guy" -- the one who bailed on the marriage committment. They might or might not be conscious of it, but those attemps to be "pals" are like daggers in the heart of the one left behind and often still in love and having trouble detaching, as was my case.

Good luck to you -- I am glad she is not asking anything of you, and hoping it does go smoothly. The sense of rejection and loss of a dream are painful, but trust that you will heal and move on in time. Be good to yourslef and make a point to do the things that bring you pleasure, including helping the less fortunate (volunteering has greatly helped me to avoid the pitfall of self-pity!).

Be sure to surround yourself with family and friends (and TAM!)this holiday season, and take comfort in all the good in your life and the better days yet to come!

Warm Regards,- A12


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

Thanks for all the advice. I really appreciate it. The initial emotions that came along with the divorce papers are fading fast.

I spoke to an attorney yesterday, and I really don't need to do anything before the divorce is finalized in June. No court, no alimony, no cost, nothing because she didn't list anything in the paperwork. I don't even have to respond to the summons, and then after defaulting on the summons she will need to send in the final documents for the divorce judgment.

My wife and I talked on the phone today to discuss the divorce. We were going to meet for coffee, but she texted me saying that she "can't do this". There's no change with her. She sounds indifferent and will not go to individual or marital counseling as expected. She said that the glass is broken and can't be fixed. She also said that she doesn't belong in my family, and she's happy now instead of feeling like a piece of $hit like when she was with me. I told her that this isn't what I want, but I won't block the divorce proceedings. This will be our last conversation for a long time.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

mr.mike said:


> I don't even have to respond to the summons, and then after defaulting on the summons she will need to send in the final documents for the divorce judgment.


Rather than ignoring them, why not just respond to the documents so it can be over and done that much faster?


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Rather than ignoring them, why not just respond to the documents so it can be over and done that much faster?


I was advised that this will be just as fast at 6 months from the date served, and I won't have to go to the trouble of supplying my financial documents and paying the fee to send my response to the court.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

In the two weeks since I spoke to my wife about the divorce I haven't contacted her, but she's making excuses to contact me. Last week she was sick and wanted a dehumidifier I had bought for her, which she knew I wouldn't have. Today she left a vm saying that it's an "emergency" and she "really needs to talk to me" about our bank account, which was really nothing. She also instructed me to answer when she calls and not ignore her, when she hasn't called me in months unless returning my call. I'm not sure why she keeps contacting me after just filing for divorce, but now she's adding comedy to our drama. Maybe it's guilt.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Maybe she's panicking because you're not pining over her? Women are strange like that; just keep ignoring her unless absolutely necessary.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

mr.mike said:


> In the two weeks since I spoke to my wife about the divorce I haven't contacted her, but she's making excuses to contact me. Last week she was sick and wanted a dehumidifier I had bought for her, which she knew I wouldn't have. Today she left a vm saying that it's an "emergency" and she "really needs to talk to me" about our bank account, which was really nothing. She also instructed me to answer when she calls and not ignore her, when she hasn't called me in months unless returning my call. I'm not sure why she keeps contacting me after just filing for divorce, but now she's adding comedy to our drama. Maybe it's guilt.


Stay the course Mike.

You're on it now.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Maybe she's panicking because you're not pining over her? Women are strange like that; just keep ignoring her unless absolutely necessary.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think it was more selfishness that she contacted me than anything. She wanted the dehumidifier because she was sick. She wanted the bank account handled because she was worried about her credit. A few weeks ago it was an old medical bill of hers that she wanted taken care of before it was late. Nothing changes.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

-Update-

I just returned from a 5 day vacation abroad, and apparently there were some strange occurrences while I was gone and not using my cell phone. My STBX called me after midnight Saturday night, the same day that I left the country, saying in a VM that she was sorry to bother me and that she really needed to talk to me. A half hour later she texted "I'm dying". The following afternoon she texted asking me to please call her back because "it's important". And then the following morning she texted "Are you ok? Do you need help?" She also left a VM saying that she wanted to ask me something and doesn't want anything from me, but she was becoming concerned that I wasn't responding and she may call 911. This same day she called my mother to ask where I was and drove to my apartment (I currently live in a city close to hers) and left a note "Are you ok? Please contact me". I'm not sure that she has ever called my mother in the past, and she definitely has not been to my apartment before, so this a rather odd behavior from her. She also rarely contacts me, so I was surprised that she was freaking out after a day without a response from me. I was able to send her a text while abroad that I was out of the country, which seemed to calm her down. She responded with a text that she's "good now" and apparently not dying, and she wants me to be safe and contact her when I come back.

What should I make of all this? I returned home early this morning and found her note on my door. I suppose I will call her later today...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

mr.mike said:


> -Update-
> 
> I just returned from a 5 day vacation abroad, and apparently there were some strange occurrences while I was gone and not using my cell phone. My STBX called me after midnight Saturday night, the same day that I left the country, saying in a VM that she was sorry to bother me and that she really needed to talk to me. A half hour later she texted "I'm dying". The following afternoon she texted asking me to please call her back because "it's important". And then the following morning she texted "Are you ok? Do you need help?" She also left a VM saying that she wanted to ask me something and doesn't want anything from me, but she was becoming concerned that I wasn't responding and she may call 911. This same day she called my mother to ask where I was and drove to my apartment (I currently live in a city close to hers) and left a note "Are you ok? Please contact me". I'm not sure that she has ever called my mother in the past, and she definitely has not been to my apartment before, so this a rather odd behavior from her. She also rarely contacts me, so I was surprised that she was freaking out after a day without a response from me. I was able to send her a text while abroad that I was out of the country, which seemed to calm her down. She responded with a text that she's "good now" and apparently not dying, and she wants me to be safe and contact her when I come back.
> 
> What should I make of all this? I returned home early this morning and found her note on my door. I suppose I will call her later today...


There's no hurry.

She's had the better part of the last year to contact you.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

I spoke to my stbx. She told me that she was sick and wanted my help the other night, and when I didn't answer her she got worried and went a little crazy. She also wanted to discuss changing our health plan when the divorce is final in June, and she asked that I let her know when I'm out of town so this doesn't happen again. She's fine now. No change.


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## Mike11 (Aug 25, 2011)

ugh she is still sucking you dry from emotional stand point, getting her Emotional Needs met off you while continuing on the path for divorce 

Cut her loose make yourself unavailable she is using you and in the process of dumping you like yesterday garbage


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

I agree that she is trying to suck me dry emotionally. Now that I stopped contacting her, she tries to find ways to keep me on her string. She said that she cares about and respects me when I talked to her. She even went into some story she read about someone that died traveling abroad, and how she worried about me. But I think she just wanted to make sure she was on our insurance before going to the hospital, which fortunately she did not. More selfishness.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

I had a whole week and a half of no contact before my STBX called to "check on" me. She also wants to return a DVD that her sister borrowed from me years ago. She is still making excuses to contact me since she filed, but what's the point? I told her that I don't watch DVDs anymore.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

mr.mike said:


> I had a whole week and a half of no contact before my STBX called to "check on" me. She also wants to return a DVD that her sister borrowed from me years ago. She is still making excuses to contact me since she filed, but what's the point? I told her that I don't watch DVDs anymore.


Stay the course Mike.

Build your life.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

My wife called again for her weekly check up, which really isn't helping me in any way. Should I just tell her not to contact me unless it's about the divorce? I know that she will say that she respects me and cares about me, but I don't feel she really does or we wouldn't be in this situation headed for divorce instead of working through our problems. I'm not interested in easing her guilt or being her friend. Should I tell her that? I mean she fired me as her husband and spit in my face every time I tried to save our marriage, and now she wants to be friendly? I suppose I could stop returning her calls, which will probably lead to her showing up at my place like she did a month ago. But maybe no contact is my best option at this point.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

mr.mike said:


> My wife called again for her weekly check up, which really isn't helping me in any way. Should I just tell her not to contact me unless it's about the divorce? I know that she will say that she respects me and cares about me, but I don't feel she really does or we wouldn't be in this situation headed for divorce instead of working through our problems. I'm not interested in easing her guilt or being her friend. Should I tell her that? I mean she fired me as her husband and spit in my face every time I tried to save our marriage, and now she wants to be friendly? I suppose I could stop returning her calls, which will probably lead to her showing up at my place like she did a month ago. But maybe no contact is my best option at this point.


OR... if she really sees you checked completely out, she may show up at your place with a different purpose.

The the current boundary is hurting you (and it clearly is), draw a firmer one.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

Well, I just received my weekly check up contact from my stbx...this time a picture text of some food she says that I have to try. This is of course after receiving her newly signed documents in the mail last week to move forward with the divorce. I was busy driving home a girl that I've been seeing for a few months when I got the text. I don't think I'll have time to respond.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

It's hard to believe that it has been over a year since my wife walked away from our marriage, which is also when I joined TAM. I remember her texting me "Happy Valentine's Day" last year, and her sister later telling me how upset she was that I didn't send her a card or anything. Mind you this was two weeks after she had left me, moved out and refused counseling. Memories. I suppose that's all I will have of her soon.

I've learned a lot from my time on here, and hopefully I won't repeat the same mistakes that I had with my stbx. Thanks for all your support. Here's to a better year.


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## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

It's good to see you're coming out on the other side. I hope to be there one day.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Awesome. She was a head case. No doubt she talks about you a lot. Some day some smarty pants will ask her why if you were such a jerk, she keeps reminiscing over you, your personality, the foods you liked to eat, the jokes you told, blah, blah.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

My STBX just made her weekly check up attempt. She sent a text with a picture of our health insurance bill. Later she called me and left a vm saying she wants to check on me and hopes I'm doing well. Should I just keep ignoring her? Or should I call her back (after hours or days of course) and tell her it's just business from now on?


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

mr.mike said:


> My STBX just made her weekly check up attempt. She sent a text with a picture of our health insurance bill. Later she called me and left a vm saying she wants to check on me and hopes I'm doing well. Should I just keep ignoring her? Or should I call her back (after hours or days of course) and tell her it's just business from now on?


Come on Mike,

You know better than that. IGNORE.

If you respond you will be asking the same question next week.

Give her a chance to miss you. Disappear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

Yeah, ignoring her is probably best. It seemed to get a rise out of her last time when I wasn't even in the same country.

On another note a girl I've been seeing wants a serious relationship with me. She's been pressuring me about it for weeks now. But I see a lot of the same negative characteristics in her as in my STBX, so I don't think we're going to see much more of each other. No more drama queens for me.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

mr.mike said:


> Yeah, ignoring her is probably best. It seemed to get a rise out of her last time when I wasn't even in the same country.
> 
> On another note a girl I've been seeing wants a serious relationship with me. She's been pressuring me about it for weeks now. But I see a lot of the same negative characteristics in her as in my STBX, so I don't think we're going to see much more of each other. No more drama queens for me.


Mike,

If you stay @50k and observe, it's impossible for them to steamroll you.

Good man.

This includes STBX


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Stop communicating with her. 

Did you ever fish for crabs? Tie some dead meat or fish to a piece of weighted rope, let is sink to the bottom. After a while pull it up and you'll find the crabs holding on. They are too dumb to stop eating. Everytime your wife draws up the rope, you're still there. She can't believe you keep falling for it.

How does her father treat her? Did she want you to behave like him?


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

I haven't fished for crabs before, but apparently I have been the crab for awhile. I like your analogy. No more bread crumbs for me. She just called again. The anger must be mounting.

Her father loves her and treats her like his princess. He's also very controlling, and he drove her away from home. He cut off support for her when she didn't return to her country when he wanted. But he offers her whatever she wants if she only returns. She refuses. He cries for her to come back. She calls and berates him for ruining their family by bringing an evil stepmother into the family soon after her mother's tragic death. I don't know him well, but I know that he fought to get my STBX's mother back after they had split up by showing up in her town and begging for another chance. And it worked. My STBX's sister suggested that this is what I should've done when she first left, and not take no for answer. It's too late in the game for that now.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

mr.mike said:


> I haven't fished for crabs before, but apparently I have been the crab for awhile. I like your analogy. No more bread crumbs for me. She just called again. The anger must be mounting.
> 
> Her father loves her and treats her like his princess. He's also very controlling, and he drove her away from home. He cut off support for her when she didn't return to her country when he wanted. But he offers her whatever she wants if she only returns. She refuses. He cries for her to come back. She calls and berates him for ruining their family by bringing an evil stepmother into the family soon after her mother's tragic death. I don't know him well, but I know that he fought to get my STBX's mother back after they had split up by showing up in her town and begging for another chance. And it worked.


Gee, from 50k, how does THAT look?

What is her perception of men?


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Gee, from 50k, how does THAT look?
> 
> What is her perception of men?


I don't know how she feels about men in general, but she told me that she doesn't think I have balls when it comes to my family and fighting for her against them. She wants someone strong who will fight for her no matter what and will never be critical of her. She also wants someone to take care of her and support her financially. As her dad told her many times, he didn't raise her to work. My therapist said that she sees me as her banker.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

mr.mike said:


> She wants someone strong who will fight for her no matter what and will never be critical of her.


How does this sound?

Do you know anyone who respects the person that kisses their ass?


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Do you know anyone who respects the person that kisses their ass?


And this is why you won't be picking up any of her phone calls from here on out.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ReGroup said:


> And this is why you won't be picking up any of her phone calls from here on out.


The sad thing is, what she says she wants is the very thing that would end any relationship with a man.

That's why "watching what they do" makes so much more sense.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

Now she's back to texting... "How's everything with you. Call me when you have a chance." She must really want to know what I'm up to. This crab isn't biting.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Don't answer


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Just read your entire thread. Sounds like she doesn't know what she wants; there's no reason why she needs to be contacting you at this point. You have no kids so it's a simple matter of just parting ways. Yet she still finds a reason to contact you. And then reject you.

I wouldn't hold out any hope. Full steam ahead with you. Keep NC with her. Let her go emotionally. She doesn't want you but she doesn't want a divorce. Too bad. You already told her you would put the work in for the marriage. She has already showed you she wouldn't. 

You will be better off without her. You have to believe that. If she wanted to be with you she would be. She's not. Pull the plug. Do it for yourself.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hi Mr. Mike -

I agree with others, re: don't respond. Whenever my XH would try to ping me or thoughts of him would otherwise intrude, I would say silently (or sometimes aloud) to myself: "STBX, I salute your divine essence and release you to your higher good." And whenever my mind messed with me, I made this my mantra and it really helped: "I do not want to be romantically bonded to someone who is not sure of me." (rinse and repeat!)

All the very best to you!

Cheers, - A12


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

My STBX just showed up at my place. She said that she was in the neighborhood and wanted to check on me. And she asked why I didn't call her back. I told her I was busy. Then she apologized for not being more welcoming when I moved here 4 months ago. Her lips were trembling and she seemed awkward. She asked about me having her over, and I said well I did ask her over 4 months ago. We only talked for a few minutes and she left. Ugh.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

mr.mike said:


> My STBX just showed up at my place. She said that she was in the neighborhood and wanted to check on me. And she asked why I didn't call her back. I told her I was busy. Then she apologized for not being more welcoming when I moved here 4 months ago. Her lips were trembling and she seemed awkward. She asked about me having her over, and I said well I did ask her over 4 months ago. We only talked for a few minutes and she left. Ugh.


I wouldn't have even opened the door. Who's there? Oh, I'm busy. Come back later.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

"Plan B, are you there? Are you home? What have you done with him? I want to talk to him. Tell him to return my messages. I need to make sure he's here when I am done playing my games."

Good job Money Mike.

What did you two talk about?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

mr.mike said:


> I .... My STBX's sister suggested that this is what I should've done when she first left, and not take no for answer. It's too late in the game for that now.


This would have been a horrible mistake. This type of behavior only works in movies and sitcoms. In the real world, this is what chumps do.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

We didn't talk about much more. She said hi to my dog, and she mentioned those darn DVDs again that she needs to return to me. She also said that I looked like I lost weight. And she asked who was cooking for me now, since she used to. That's it. She didn't come in and left within a few minutes. It wasn't much different than her usual check up routine on the phone.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

"she asked who was cooking for me now"

Curiosity.

You are becoming mysterious to her.

Losing weight? You are working out?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

She often makes little quips about me going out with other girls or to bars now that I'm not with her. The cooking comment is par for the course.

I'm thinner than when we were together, and I am exercising again. I was in great shape when we met, and she quickly fattened me up with her cooking. I kept that weight on for years while with her. She has said the same thing about me looking thin the last three times I saw her though, and I've been about the same weight each time.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

Should I just go back to ignoring her until she decides to pop in again? Now that she knows I'm too busy for her calls, I might not hear much from her. Regardless, I'll just keep moving on.


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## cbnero (Dec 6, 2013)

Stay No Contact - for yourself. Every non response is a win for you. Keep on winning.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

I'm tempted to call my STBX out on her recent check ups and showing up at my place. I want to know her true intentions and cut the bs. Her appearance at my door is affecting me, mostly because I hadn't seen her in 3 months and she filed within that time. I'll try to stay at 50K and resist this temptation. I don't need more rejection. I'm really not into masochism.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

mr.mike said:


> I'm tempted to call my STBX out on her recent check ups and showing up at my place. I want to know her true intentions and cut the bs. Her appearance at my door is affecting me, mostly because I hadn't seen her in 3 months and she filed within that time. I'll try to stay at 50K and resist this temptation. I don't need more rejection. I'm really not into masochism.


Pursue a new interest in some passion or hobby each time she contacts you.

Completely ignore her.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

cbnero said:


> Stay No Contact - for yourself. Every non response is a win for you. Keep on winning.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


Cut the chord and release any lingering attachment to her. You can wish her well, but she is not part of your life anymore. Politely avoid interactions with her -- no mean-ness or ill will, but it is now all about putting the past behind you, loving yourself and moving on. All will be well with better things in store for you -- you will see!

Happy Valentine's day, and here's to loving yourself!

Cheers,- A12


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

It's been a rough week since seeing my STBX. I have kept busy, but I've barely slept and keep picturing her at my door. Her appearance brought back some unexpected feelings and thoughts. I did resist the urge to call her about showing up at my place, and I will continue no contact. No word from her this Valentine's season. I guess she realizes that I'm moving on now.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Mike

I think you are doing much better than last year.

The only bad thing is that your separation/divorce has dragged on over a year.

Your wife is still the head case.

She cannot get over the fact you did not pursue her. She failed her own poop test after moving out and filing.

Do yourself one favor.

Don't settle for the 1st woman after your wife.

Settle for the one that makes you feel great about yourself and is confident about herself.

Glad you reached out Mike.

Stay the course, finish off this marriage and focus on your future.

HM


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

Well, it has almost been a month without any contact from my STBX. Only 3 to go until the divorce is final. I sent her a text a couple days ago about health insurance info that I need from her. No response. I still think about her reasons for showing up here, but really what's the point? If she wanted to open the door to R she would have made it loud and clear. Instead she wants me to chase her like a good doggie only to kick me down once again. She claims that she's happy now, although I read on the divorce papers that she has been working at a strip club since last year. How genuinely happy are women that work in strip clubs typically?

In other news, I just broke it off with the girl I had been dating since October. The constant testing, games, drama and pressure from her for a serious relationship finally tipped the scale out of her favor. It was much worse than with my STBX. A wave of relief washed over me as she drove away a few minutes ago.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

She works at a strip club? There is another TAM guy whose wife is doing the same crazy stuff. She a doctor but is to dysfunctional to practice, so since she started cheating and he left her she has threatened to become a prostitute and put the blame on him.

If your WAW is stripping, you have 80% reason to believe she gives special customer personal shows. 

You need her out of your life.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

She was fired from her hostess job at a restaurant, and this was what she stumbled upon next back in aug-sep of last year. She's a waitress at the place, which her sister confirmed, but yeah it's still a strip club.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

keep the focus on you mike.

and I am glad you broke it off with your gf.

never settle.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

I thought I would post an update although there isn't much to report. No contact with my STBX until last week when she texted me happy birthday from out of the country and said that her family was asking about me. She also wanted me to send her a picture from my birthday celebration. Our anniversary is also this week. I find myself thinking about her more because of these events and the final divorce looming in a couple months. But I know that I'll be better off and that there's a great woman out there who will come along eventually. No rush.


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## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

Good for you Mike. Keep going strong.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

mr.mike said:


> I thought I would post an update although there isn't much to report. No contact with my STBX until last week when she texted me happy birthday from out of the country and said that her family was asking about me. She also wanted me to send her a picture from my birthday celebration. Our anniversary is also this week. I find myself thinking about her more because of these events and the final divorce looming in a couple months. But I know that I'll be better off and that there's a great woman out there who will come along eventually. No rush.


I am sorry to hear that your STBXW is pinging you around these sensitive memory-filled times. I've been divorced from my XH for 10 months now, yet recently received a birthday card from him - WTF? It is so selfish, this fake pretense of "making nice" when they are the ones who bailed on the marriage and have no interest in us -- they just want to see if they can still pull our strings. I hate the fact that obviously, he DOES still pull my strings because I still get triggered by any contact with him, so I can't tolerate it (thank God, we do not have kids and have to do co-parenting!). I am truly praying to one day get to a place of indifference and equanimity about him.

You are 1000% correct that you will be better off with the next right one, who will give you the love, respect and loyalty that you deserve.

Cheers,- A12


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

Last night my STBX started calling and texting me to get together while I was on a date. I responded after the date was over, and we met at a bar to celebrate my birthday with a drink. 

Most of the time she spent justifying her new career choice at a strip club although I didn't mention it, and we played catch up. She asked if I was dating anyone and talked about checking up on me again. I didn't see it going anywhere, so I told her there was no point in checking up on me anymore unless it's about marriage counseling. She said that she was afraid of counseling and being called a bad wife. I told her that MC isn't about blaming, it's about working through what needs to be worked through and marriage is work. I think it just fell on deaf ears. She was teary-eyed while discussing the marriage and again said that she respected and cared about me. I told her if that was true, she would have communicated how she felt before leaving me, included me in her therapy before she left and agreed to MC for the past year to fix our problems. She didn't have much more to say except that it wasn't her dream marriage with a loving mother-in-law to share her children with. I told her that's not an excuse to end our marriage. Our night ended soon after as we said goodbye outside the bar. 

I don't think this meeting changes much between us, but I do think it at least set a new boundary.

Moving on.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

You are right of course. About everything.

Keep moving forward.

Glad you were on a date.

The key is to find the right woman and take as long as you want to make sure she is the right person for you.

Just one question: Is your wife working in a strip club? Or is she dancing in a strip club?

Her actions should be very clear. Yours should be too and were.

Now go live a great life and let her see what she lost out on.....

HM


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

She's a waitress. Her sister visited the club and was pleasantly surprised that it wasn't anything more than that. She works there 6 nights a week and said she has no life otherwise. Her only plan is to make money for now, but she did mention possibly going back to her home country.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

mr.mike said:


> She's a waitress. Her sister visited the club and was pleasantly surprised that it wasn't anything more than that. She works there 6 nights a week and said she has no life otherwise. Her only plan is to make money for now, but she did mention possibly going back to her home country.


Good for her. I am glad she is working. I know you mentioned she might go home and be "Daddy's Little Girl".

Keep moving forward.

Do what is best for you.

HM


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

Lately I feel like a weight has been lifted after laying down the boundary line on STBX. I wasn't about to let her enjoy checking on me whenever she felt like it while leading to nothing but more pain. She actually thought I liked her check ups. No word from her since our conversation.

I had a job interview that went well, and I may move again soon to save more. A few new girls are interested in me, so I got that going for me.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

I thought I'd post a quick update. I have an interview with another job this week, which looks like a really good fit. I'm still dating but not all that interested in anyone. Thoughts of my STBX have crept back in my head as there's been no contact in almost 3 weeks since our meeting. I may have been too harsh with her after she said that she tried everything to make it work and still respected and cared for me, but I was tired of hearing those excuses and feeling the pain of her wanting nothing more than to check on me for her benefit. What's done is done. I need to readjust my focus onto myself.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Mike

Not much will improve in "your" life until you put the focus on "you"......

HM


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hang in there, Mr. Mike! My XH did the same thing over the course of our separation and eventual divorce. Selfishly "checking up" on me out of his own guilt and for his own benefit to be sure he still had the emotional hooks in me, when he knew tossing me crumbs would only twist the knife and cause me pain. 

Good luck with the job interview! Hope it goes well. 

Cheers, - A12


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

She probably checks on you after she sleeps with guys who don't call back. It makes her want reassurance that there is a guy who wants even if she doesn't want him.

Go dark on this emotional vampire.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

I think I got the job that I interviewed for. It's not ideal, but it will keep me busy during my search for a better one. 

No contact from STBX in almost 4 weeks. The divorce should be final in about a month. I still think about her, but I know contacting her would just lead to more disappointment and pain.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

mr.mike said:


> I think I got the job that I interviewed for. It's not ideal, but it will keep me busy during my search for a better one.
> 
> No contact from STBX in almost 4 weeks. The divorce should be final in about a month. I still think about her, but I know contacting her would just lead to more disappointment and pain.


Good for you.

Consider that the next step in a better, happier future.

HM


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

Things could be better lately. I'm struggling financially with my job, which has become too unstable, and I'm still waiting for the new second stable job to start. I will probably move this month to save more money. I may have to. I was also tested for skin cancer, and fortunately I found out today that it was a benign growth.

I met with STBX today at the bank to have her name taken off our joint account. She was friendly as usual, joked about me owing her lunch, and we parted after leaving the bank. She did mention our "disconnection on June 2nd", as she put it, and how she doesn't want me to worry about taking care of her anymore after that. I was calm and didn't feel much of anything about the meeting. I considered apologizing for arguing/reasoning (not very 180 of me) with her last time we met, but I didn't. I have to meet her again tomorrow at the bank.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Good luck to you....stay the course. A fighter keeps on fighting and always gets back up after being knocked about.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Mr. Mike, how goes it? I am so glad your skin cancer test turned out benign! What a blessing. When does the new job start? It sounds like getting your work life in order could take a load of stress off you, so best of luck on that front.

I know what it is to struggle with letting go of the past. At times, I am still haunted and depressed about the whole nightmare of losing the marriage and man I loved. All I know is my best reprieve from such self-destructive rumination comes when I am absorbed in something else.

Anyway, just a shout out to say I hope you are having a good day.

Best,- A12


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

I've been really busy working lately with little time for much else. I'm moving and saving.

STBX texted me a random news article at 2am this morning. No contact otherwise since we met last week. Divorce in less than a month. If she shows up at my door again, I won't be here.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

I'm struggling with my two jobs, but I will pull through. I also started moving to my new place, which will help a lot financially. I'm dating someone although I barely have any time for that now.

I heard from STBX yesterday. She texted me a new hospital bill that she received for her appointment last year, and she asked me what to do with it. She's paying it. 

Also, today I received my Notice of Entry of Judgement form in the mail, which was filed with the court on the 12th. The divorce will be final on June 2nd.

Gone Baby Gone indeed.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Celebrate on June 2nd. 

The theme:

"Welcome to my new life!"

Life will get better.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

mr.mike said:


> I'm struggling with my two jobs, but I will pull through. I also started moving to my new place, which will help a lot financially. I'm dating someone although I barely have any time for that now.
> 
> *I heard from STBX yesterday. She texted me a new hospital bill that she received for her appointment last year, and she asked me what to do with it. She's paying it. *
> 
> ...


Gone except when she needs you.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

I'm moving this weekend. I haven't thought of STBX much because I've been too busy working two jobs and preparing for the move, which seems to help me a lot with the impending divorce in a little over a week. I'm going to keep busy through the divorce and beyond.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

mr.mike said:


> I'm moving this weekend. I haven't thought of STBX much because I've been too busy working two jobs and preparing for the move, which seems to help me a lot with the impending divorce in a little over a week. I'm going to keep busy through the divorce and beyond.


Go Mr. Mike! You've got this, and are going to be just fine!
:smthumbup:

Cheers, A12


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

It's been a busy week. I moved and am still settling into my new place. Too much packing, moving and cleaning for awhile. At least it helps keep my mind off marriage related things. And it saves me a lot of money.

On Monday I will officially be a free man once again. I wouldn't say that I'm excited, but I'm not really sad about it anymore either.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

Well D-day came and went. I didn't feel much of anything as it passed. I'm doing well and the future is getting brighter. I still haven't received my finalized divorce documents. I looked up the divorce case online, and it is still active without listing the final judgment. Perhaps this delay is because I moved before the judgment was signed, and they're having difficulty locating me. I've been too busy to think much about it.

I hadn't heard from my XW in a month and a half...until yesterday. I recently changed my phone number and she emailed me to ask about it. I have a feeling she just wants my new address to finalize the paperwork or to cast her fishing line once again. Is it even worth responding at this point?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

mr.mike said:


> Well D-day came and went. I didn't feel much of anything as it passed. I'm doing well and the future is getting brighter. I still haven't received my finalized divorce documents. I looked up the divorce case online, and it is still active without listing the final judgment. Perhaps this delay is because I moved before the judgment was signed, and they're having difficulty locating me. I've been too busy to think much about it.
> 
> I hadn't heard from my XW in a month and a half...until yesterday. I recently changed my phone number and she emailed me to ask about it. I have a feeling she just wants my new address to finalize the paperwork or to cast her fishing line once again. Is it even worth responding at this point?


Of course it is worth it if it means you can finalize your divorce and make it official.

Finish it Mike.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

I thought it might be time for an update. Work is good although working two jobs can be overwhelming. That's pretty much all I've been up to besides making new friends and going on outdoor adventures whenever possible. 

I haven't spoken to XW in over 2 months. She emailed me twice since then including tonight. The first time was to see if I had changed cell numbers, which I did, and tonight she asked where I had taken her for her minor cosmetic surgery a couple years ago.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Did you give her your new cell#?

Did you respond at all?


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## FisharnEked (Jul 16, 2014)

Mr Mike, I just read thru alot of this, your story is quite inspiring!

It may even make you feel better if you read my effed up story... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconc...ll-love-you-but-im-living-my-friend-work.html

Atleast, I might be able to make you feel better about yourself, Im glad for you.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

I did give her my cell number earlier this month when she emailed me for it. I thought she might be contacting me to finalize the divorce or give me the final documents. She hasn't called or texted since.

I haven't responded to this new email.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

She is very strange.

Ignore her unless it is about the divorce.

Don't get sucked in and focus on you.....


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

It's been awhile since I posted here. I haven't been on here much since my divorce 7 months ago, and I've been doing fine dealing with it. And then I found out this week that my XW is moving back to her home country soon, and now I'm feeling surprisingly emotional about her.

My XW has been texting me about once a month trying to make small talk since the D, and that has been our only contact. I've just been trying to move on. When she contacts me I don't feel much of anything. I have a girlfriend that's in love with me, but I'm not sure I feel the same way. I suppose deep down I still held onto some hope for R with my XW, otherwise why would I be getting so emotional about her moving away? I'm sure this feeling will pass soon and she will fade from my memory as I most likely will never see her again. But it felt like a good time for an update. Maybe I should move this thread to Life after D...

Happy New Year!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

She tormented you and staying in touch is her way of prolonging it. You're fortunate she didn't pop up to reengage and mess you up emotionally.

Did she know that you were seeing someone? Is that what stimulates her messaging?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Mike

I had an Ex like that.

What I did is call her, said goodbye, good luck and wished her the best in life. Because I would never see her again.

And I never have.

Very rarely ever think of her.

It is called closure.

Do what works for you.

And give it time with any new love interest. It takes time to get the feelings back as well as the desire.

HM


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

happyman64 said:


> Mike
> 
> I had an Ex like that.
> 
> ...


Yeah do go easy with her. Always tell the truth and tell her if you are felling face shy.
Mine waited for me to get my shnit together and I am very grateful for it.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

I don't know why she keeps contacting me. There's no way for her to know about my girlfriend that I know of. I'm not even 100% positive that she is moving out of the country, but that was the impression I got from a mutual friend's posts on fb. I'm really more surprised with myself for getting so emotional at this point and allowing her to still have so much power over my feelings. I thought I had passed this stage. It seems that the waves of emotion will have to slowly fade with time. Hopefully this wave will pass soon.


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## mr.mike (Jan 25, 2013)

Well I hope no one was holding their breath waiting for my next reply  I had almost forgotten about this site but I wanted to give an update to those that helped me years ago. My XW was still sending me text messages in 2016 and trying to flirt with me 2 years after our divorce. I didn't take the bait and haven't seen or heard from her since. Through a mutual friend's photos I noticed that she remarried last year in a ridiculously expensive wedding ceremony. Six months later her husband's business was shut down, and he is currently under federal investigation for fraud according to news reports... I can only imagine the drama in that household.

I am now engaged to a beautiful woman and in a much better place in my life. My feelings and thoughts of my XW faded with time. My future is bright and I am happy that part of my life is in the past.

This site was very therapeutic for me during my divorce and helped me through some dark times. Thank you for all your help.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You should cut off any form of contact now. No one wants an X in the mix.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Marc878 said:


> You should cut off any form of contact now. No one wants an X in the mix.


Seems to me that they haven't communicated at all in 3 years. That sounds pretty cut off to me.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Why leave that door open? Nothing good'll ever come out of it.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Marc878 said:


> Why leave that door open? Nothing good'll ever come out of it.


What? It is a telescope not an open door.


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