# My responsibility



## euv (Jan 21, 2013)

I've been married a long time. I would not say that I have a great marriage; it varies from pretty good/okay to really bad, although it's better than it was. We have two kids that will both be leaving the home within the next couple of years.

One of the fundamental questions I'm asking myself is: what is my responsibility in my marriage? I guess I'm asking myself because if I feel that I've done everything I can, it would make sense for me to leave, whereas if I feel that I really have let my wife down, then it would make sense for me to stay and work on my issues. I understand that this is an unanswerable question, but I'm still asking it in the hopes that it will lead me to some kind of insight.

My wife and I both have issues. Over time, I've come to be able to accept her a bit more than before, but she does have problems with self-confidence, anxiety, and emotional regulation. She tends to push herself too far, and then she explodes.

I would say that I'm basically a good person, but I tend to be passive in some ways. I did not learn to take the initiative in household matters in my childhood, and in the past, I tended to procrastinate and generally not do things that needed to get done. This caused a lot of stress for my wife.

She's been resentful of me for many years. I've tried to understand the problem and do what she said she needed, but, well, that didn't work. I see now that what she wanted was for me to have the perspective that maintaining our household is not just her responsibility. I just couldn't see things that way--I had survived on my own before meeting her, although my apartment was a mess, and I couldn't wrap my head around the kinds of things she was asking me to do. It seemed at the time that if she wanted the house to be vacuumed regularly, then she should do it, etc. Over time, I shifted my perspective from this to thinking that this is something she needed, so I should do it to the extent that I could. But this was stressful for me, and I often failed. I also wasn't really thinking that it's necessary to vacuum sometimes to have a clean house.

At this point, I'm trying to be more receptive to her perspective, but she still goes through these incredibly emotional periods from time to time. I feel that nothing is good enough. She tends to be dismissive of me when I try to tell her about my needs (things like not bringing up sensitive issues after 11:00 since I know that it will disturb my sleep). Essentially, I feel like a sinner that doesn't have the right to complain because of the terrible things I've done to her.

So I don't know. I'm torn between trying to work on myself and hoping that things get better (if the reason they're not going well is largely because of my deficiencies as a husband and parent) and leaving and starting over. I do love my wife and I generally respect her, but I'm not happy. We're both over 50, and divorce would really be a major issue financially. It's not a small matter, and it weighs on me a lot.

Also: we've been through couples counseling, and it didn't help much. She refuses to go back, and further discussion on the topic is a nonstarter. We're both in individual therapy.


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## Forest911 (Nov 7, 2021)

You posted similar issues 8 years ago still seems like has a same issues. Relationship are really big challenges. Only can fixed the problem you can take it. Or move on. I noticed that people never change. Our marriage job is not really changing who they are it's learn how to take it and live with it.


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## Cindywife (Nov 5, 2021)

euv said:


> I've been married a long time. I would not say that I have a great marriage; *it varies from pretty good/okay to really bad, although it's better than it was.* We have two kids that will both be leaving the home within the next couple of years.
> 
> 
> Also: we've been through couples counseling, and it didn't help much. She refuses to go back, and further discussion on the topic is a nonstarter. We're both in individual therapy.


My advice is to stay and work on your marriage. Forget counseling. You've already tried it. Leaving a marriage that is still pretty good is the worst idea.


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## kclark30 (Nov 6, 2021)

It sounds to me like you both have needs and neither one of you is taking care of the other. You have to do that. You gotta be her everything and in return she will be your everything. If you end up taking care of her needs and she doesn't reciprocate and take care of your own needs, then maybe go to therapy because it might be a communication issue. Otherwise if she just doesn't want to put anything into the marriage, try separating before you decide divorce.


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