# Have time for conversation, but what is there to talk about?



## MAEPT10 (Oct 19, 2011)

I understand the idea of making some time each day like even 10-15 minutes of just communicating with the spouse. I want to be able to do this with my wife. When we are home together, we don't talk about anything other than the current situations about kids, bills, household chores...etc.

I want to propose that we take 10-15 minutes to connect verbally each day to promote communication. But what on earth are we going to talk about? This sucks. If I ask her, she'll say "sure, what do you want to talk about?" And she usually thinks I'm going to want to talk about the state of the marriage (cause its not good, not loving, not emotionally connected nor physically connnected). So I want to make sure I will not talk about "my feelings" and just talk. 

I feel terribly neglected at home each and every night and its very very frustrating. There has to be some of you out there that had to really work at this, and had nothing to talk about...what did you, what did you bring up for discussion?


----------



## charlie18 (Mar 12, 2012)

If you have nothing to say, don't talk. Just listen. Just ask questions about her life and what she is doing until she is exhausted about talking about herself and realizes that she spends all the time talking about herself and starts to show some interest in your life. Then simply answer the questions she asks about you.

Even if you are not interested in her answers, just ask. Let her think you are interested.


----------



## ommilay (Mar 12, 2012)

Think back to when you were dating (her or other girls)- what kinds of questions did you use to get to know them? I'm betting you don't know everything about her past- use some fun or even silly questions, the same you'd you on a first date:
"What was the scariest day of your life?" or "Most embarrassing situation?" "What is something you regret?" or else, "What is something that you are proud of doing?" You might be surprised by what she answers. Good luck! I know it's hard when you can't communicate the way that you want.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Read the news and bring something to the table.

Hubs and I do this each night. It starts our conversation nicely and we end up talking for over an hour about stuff!


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My husband and I talk about everything! That's including our feelings and at that very moment if needed. We talk about everything from our kids to our current goals/dreams we have. 

My husband and I talk through out the day and at night. We are truly each others best friend. He is very reserved to his coworkers, strangers and neighbors, so what is spoken, is said to me. My husband hates the gossip at work and refuses to talk to anyone at work about anything, so I hear the brunt of it when there is drama happening or if he's stressed, nervous, and even happy about an upcoming event. He calls during the day just to say hello and to ask what I've been up to for the day.

We never run out of things to say and we do tell each other everything. We never argue or hold anything in. Therefore, there are no resentments. 

If my husband doesn't feel like talking, which is not very often, he usually doesn't have much to say and I'll leave him alone. When I don't feel like talking, he talks anyways.lol. I don't mind though. He never complains about anything, which in return I do the same. We both try to be as positive as possible. We do have our bad moods, which then we are pretty quiet.

Communication is very important in a marriage. My husband and I talk/work everything through in a calm way, always. We compromise well even if it takes a day or two to make a decision.


----------



## MAEPT10 (Oct 19, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> My husband and I talk about everything! That's including our feelings and at that very moment if needed. We talk about everything from our kids to our current goals/dreams we have.
> 
> My husband and I talk through out the day and at night. We are truly each others best friend. He is very reserved to his coworkers, strangers and neighbors, so what is spoken, is said to me. My husband hates the gossip at work and refuses to talk to anyone at work about anything, so I hear the brunt of it when there is drama happening or if he's stressed, nervous, and even happy about an upcoming event. He calls during the day just to say hello and to ask what I've been up to for the day.
> 
> ...



Thats great for you. I know you have helped me very much on other posts and I appreciate it. But I'mInLoveWithMyHubby, what can I do to try to get to the point you're at? When I read the post above, I feel like crap, because we are not that way and I just want a little bit of that. It makes me wonder if we are really best friends, or if the idea of marrying one's best friend, is just an idea. I always thought we were best friends, but after reading your post, maybe we're clearly not. 

Any suggestions?


----------



## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

First of all let me say that I used to think that only women did all the work to keep a marriage together. I must say that I am very glad to have been proven wrong by the men on this site. It gives me hope.

I am so sorry that your marriage has come to a point where you are stressing over trying to get your wife to have a 10-15 minute conversation daily. Marriage is NOT easy is it? Do you know why she has checked out of the marriage in what seems every way? 

As for things to talk about, there are tons of things! Look what is going on in the world? Who does she want for president? What are her opinions about the state of the economy? Does she have a sense of humor? What makes her laugh? What are her passions? Some people have boring passions IMO such as scrapbooking, quilting, basically anything that old fashioned females get into. However, if you showed interest in something she is passionate about, she may warm up considerably. But make sure you steer the conversations so that you don't turn into a sounding board. Where she only talks about things having to do with her and never about stuff you like.

This may sound strange, but the saying THE ENEMY OF MY ENEMY IS MY FRIEND. Is there someone in your lives neither of you like very much? She may have some feelings about someone she doesn't like but has never felt comfortable to express them. If you two can find a common ground on a subject, 10 to 15 minutes could turn into hours of conversation. 

Do you guys like the same movies? Perhaps you could watch a movie and talk about it after. What did she like about it, what she didn't. Try to figure out what she is passionate about and show interest in her passions (that is if she has any). 

By putting a time frame and time limit on conversation may have both of you struggling for topics. Try to work up conversations when she least expects it so it isn't to clinical. 

I really want to know more about your wife. Could you give us some examples of her passions and likes/dislikes? Does she watch the news? I know my post is all over the place, but I guess I need more info so we can narrow this down. 

As you can see, I love to talk and laugh and have long conversations. Hopefully we and others on this site can help you find something you are comfortable with so you can reconnect with your wife on an intellectual level. 

Every discussion does not always have to do with the marriage. That can get stressful and exhausting. My husband, who is not much of a communicator nor a talker in general, told me that the worst thing I could say to him is . . . WE NEED TO TALK. He said those words causes such dread in him he wants to run. So I try to stay away from marriage topics just to get him to open up. When I ask him about his favorite concerts, childhood shennanigans, what he thinks about current events, I find he talks easily because he has opinions on that stuff and will share it with me. 

When you were dating, did you guys stay up all night talking? Did you have 3 hour phone conversations when you were courting her?


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Maybe get her opinions on things...talk about someone you know or something you heard anywhere like even on here then ask how she would handle this or that...gotta find an interesting topic..a book or movie..anything , you both may learn something new about eachother. I know sometimes it's hard. I have moments where i dont know what to talk about too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

What did you talk about when you first started going out. What's her fav color food actor place to shop etc etc look into her eyes and listen. What would be romantic for her ? Ask questions. You'll figure it out 

Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Search the web for conversation starters. I searched for "Conversation starters for married couples" and got this link. 

Conversation Starters for Married Couples | Marriage Missions International

There are tons of sites out there and books with good starters. Search on coversation starters for different topics... like for lovers, for family, etc. If you and "And how to you feel about it." to the end of the starters they and lead to even more discussion. Make sure that each of you answers/addresses the topic.

I used these before with my husband (when things were better between us) and with my children.

Right now my 23 year old son, a college student, lives at home. I often search for weird, funny or strange news. Bringing one or two of these up at the dinner table aften gets a long and very entertaining dinner conversation going.

And of course read the daily news and world events. There is always something that can be discussed. Ask her opinion of the events of the day.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

One thing I learned a long time ago, sitting in the church pew ...my Pastor was a fantasic Conversationalist , he would always give us tips on how to build successful relationships...
he always pounded it into our heads to ASK QUESTIONS...people love to talk about themselves, SHOW INTEREST in what you are asking... After all, this is how you make friends... 

If you are stumped on some conversation starters... This could give you some ideas. I bought this sometime ago for myself... sometimes when we are in the bathroom together, I might ask him stuff out of this book -just for pure curiosity ...

 The Complete Book of Questions: 1001 Conversation Starters for Any Occasion 

There was a time in our marraige where we had 4 kids 6yrs & under-- and we didn't get out much.... I remember once an Aunt Babysitting for us, getting off completly alone...out to eat....sitting across the table thinking to myself... I am not sure what to talk about other than the kids! We tried so many yrs to have more kids, then when they came, we were terribly wrapped up in them. So it can happen to any marraige... but it can be climbed out of also. Oh yes! 

Now we talk about everything under the sun... we accually always did before too, but that was our rut...he tells me all the rumors at work, the things the guys say, I tell him about stuff I read on here sometimes, I noticed a name on here once "WTFman"...that was simply halarious to me, I told him about that. We talk about our feelings probably more than most couples could even stomach. If we watch a movie together, I will ask him during the commerical how he would feel or how he might handle something we are viewing. Anything. 

This idea of never speaking of our feelings is a Roadblock to vulnerabilty -which will SLASH any emotional connection that can take place in your marraige.... it may be scary but it is so necessary.... I did a thread on this issue... please watch the 20 minute video-link in 1st line of this thread... 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...r-its-pain-its-beauty-how-vulnerable-you.html .... I tried to do any outline of sorts of what that video covered in terms of "Connection", connection we all seek.


----------



## MAEPT10 (Oct 19, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> One thing I learned a long time ago, sitting in the church pew ...my Pastor was a fantasic Conversationalist , he would always give us tips on how to build successful relationships...
> he always pounded it into our heads to ASK QUESTIONS...people love to talk about themselves, SHOW INTEREST in what you are asking... After all, this is how you make friends...
> 
> If you are stumped on some conversation starters... This could give you some ideas. I bought this sometime ago for myself... sometimes when we are in the bathroom together, I might ask him stuff out of this book -just for pure curiosity ...
> ...




Thanks for all the helpful insight. I wish my wife could get on board with this: _This idea of never speaking of our feelings is a Roadblock to vulnerabilty which will SLASH any emotional connection that can take place in your marraige.... it may be scary but it is so necessary_ She has never been a communicator, and I am only learning now but will try to communicate everything and anything that will make our marriage work.

On a slightly related topic: I usually feel that I'm the only one trying to learn about what we can do work on the marriage. I know she is working on countless other things, her feelings, her depression, fatigue...etc. And that in turn is actually working on the marriage too. But I feel like I'm working primarily on the relationship. I have started to say this to myself lately..."if she *really* wanted the marriage to be better, and for us to have a good marriage then she would try anything." 

I actually just thought... well what if her idea of a good happy marriage is different than mine? It really can't be too different though, neither one of us is particularly happy right now... so that can't be what she thinks is a good happy marriage. ---rambling a bit here.


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

MAEPT10 said:


> I actually just thought... well what if her idea of a good happy marriage is different than mine? It really can't be too different though, neither one of us is particularly happy right now... so that can't be what she thinks is a good happy marriage. ---rambling a bit here.


That sounds like a great topic for a conversation.

I haven't read all your other posts so I don't know if that topic is too heavy or too deep for you both to talk about right now. Sounds like you two need to work up to such a discussion.

I find asking openended questions a great way to start a conversation at a party or with a loved one. Don't ask "yes" or "no" questions. 

We talk about everything under the sun. Most of the stuff we talk about revolves around our immediate family then friends. Could you start with that topic...kids, siblings, parents? 

We talk about things that happened at work. We both usually have funny stories to share from work. The nature of his work is such he interacts with people all day long so he has "you can't believe what happened at work today" type of story. He also uses public transportation sometimes so his people watching on public transportation provides interesting things to talk about.

We like to watch several particular reality shows on TV. One is Storage Wars about people who bid on abandoned storage lockers. I started a thread here about it. Antiques Road show on PBS has caught our interest too. For both shows, we try to guess how much a storage locker or item will go for. Sometimes we're right on target. Sometimes we're wildly off the mark. Amazing Race on CBS is great too. We try to guess who will win that leg of the race around the world. Is there some show you watch together that you can talk about? 

Sometimes I tell him about things I read here. He tells me about something he saw in a podcast online. We talk about current events. Yesterday we watched this show on Doomsday preppers. That was fascinating! There are some nutty people on the show.

Once you get in the habit of talking and sharing, the topic of conversation doesn't matter so much as the interaction, connection and giving each other attention.


----------

