# how do I help my hubby feel whole again?



## confusedandwondering (Aug 16, 2011)

Hi Im new here and could use a little advise. Normally I try and figure it out on my own , but that doesnt seem to be working lately. Here is the short story .... H and I have been together 8 yrs , married 6 . we have 4 wonderful kids , 2 are mine from a pervious relationship , and the two youngest are ours together . we had a short dating period , had kids then got married . Things have been really good untill a month ago . He has never cheated on me physically , but I do think he has had an EA when we first got married . we worked thru it and moved on . But lately things are not so good , the major problem is lack of talking. He did ask for a divorce , but the next day as I was packing me and the kids up to move out he asked me not to leave , that wasnt what he wanted , he did love me and wanted to make it work . A little history here , his job takes him out of town and state due to where we live and the line of work he does . I have had some insecurities of late that he was cheating , EA not physical . I try not to snoop thru his phone or anything unless he hands me it and says here look . We started therapy , had our first session about two weeks ago , the hterpist asked him what he wanted to get out of it and he said to be in love with my wife again and to be able to communicate with her . The therapist suggested we take more time for just us , and that when he is gone , we could skype . I had suggested we could skype before we went to therapy , my fear on it was he would try and contact this EA from before , due to he had added her recently to his FB . and low and behold he did , the very first nite he was out of town , he skyped her , had pics on his skype of her . I found them by pure accident. So now Im wondering if this is going to work , he hasnt had contact with her since then , that I know of , he deleted her from FB , and I didnt see her number on his phone . We have been spending time together , even his boss has made sure he hasnt had to be out of town but maybe an overnight job here and there , in which he doesnt take the laptop with him . We are still laking in the talking department and I need help on how to talk to him about my fears and worries . How do I address the pics I found and talk to him without sounding like Im accusing him of something? His attitude has changed a lot in the last few months and he is getting ready to turn 40 . is this a phase or am I doomed ? please any advice is better than none . Thanks . I should mention , that our bedroom life is better then ever and we hve no problems there . If anything it has gotten better this past month .


----------



## kms19 (Sep 10, 2011)

Sometimes, confronting him isn't the best idea. Yeah, you're afraid that he is cheating again, but that may not be the case at all. Try setting up a romantic date for just the two of you. In doing so, he will see that you are at least making an effort to make your marriage work and, in turn, the spark may slowly make its way back into your marriage. It's not going to be easy. In fact, it may be one of the hardest things you ever do because, if done right, it will force at least a little communication between the two of you... Just keep your chin up. Things will work out for the best.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

From your words, it really sounds like things are looking good for your marriage, he had a turn aound, the closeness is growing, the sex life is flowing & very satisfying - all very very very good things. With this, hopefully your transparency and vulnerability will grow more & more with each other. 

And then, maybe, you may want to bring some of this up to him.... but you want him to be HONEST before you in all things, even his slip ups, not hiding. Do your best to assure him you want the WHOLE TRUTH without him fearing your reaction, or it will lead to another HUGE setback. I think this is why people don't openly communicate, fears of HURT, woundedness, unforgiving. 

Obviously he has made mistakes, but you know he wants to make it right, he's told the Marraige counselor, he deleted her, he is skyping you, He is on board. 

I'm the type of person, I would JUST WANT TO KNOW, every sorted detail, even if it ripped my heart out, I'd still want to know & look at myself in how I might have contributed to his falling away -if anything. But not everyone is like me. 

Some are content to "let it go" -never revisit the past, it is PAST and it can stay there. They trust they have gotten beyond the hurt and they walk in it, never look back. 

What type are you ? What do you NEED? 

Personally I feel the hurt spouse has the RIGHT to know ALL (if they want)- if a PA , EA, whatever it was - full disclosure, we have a right to hear the why's it happened, how it happened, if any slip ups since then. Just make sure YOU are prepared emotionally for such raw honesty . It won't be easy for him either to re-visit ---and ultimetly hurt you all over again, and he will worry he can never be fully forgiven. 

Make sure the timing is right and you can handle the truth of where he WAS back then. 

Just remember, it is NOT where you & he is *NOW*.

What does your Therapist say?


----------

