# My wife has seperated but still says I love you



## Bio92 (4 mo ago)

I am new here and very lost and confused. I don't know what to do anymore but let me explain.

My wife has seperated from me for the last week. We have been married 8 years together for 12. We are both 30. We have 2 kids (4 and 6). I didn't have anyone I could stay with and she did so she left as a trial separation.

A year ago is where problems seem to have begun. She felt as if our house wasn't treated as 5050. There were many arguements, especially about taking out the trash etc. I started to change greatly in my opinion. I treated the house as 5050 if not more. There were still arguements but it felt like less. We spent so much time together because of covid and both working from home every day. She wanted to be around me less. Our time became less and less. Quality time was less and less. She started going to festivals and dj shows with her friends and didn't want to take me with. And I became angry about it. I convinced her to finally take me one day.

December 31st we went to a festival with a bunch of people and it seems that she filled a self fulfilling prophecy. She was so worried about how I was going to act and be she kept bugging me about it until we fought. As if she sabotaged it. I don't think this was on purpose. We fought the rest of the night. 

January 1st I woke up and realized how depressed and angry I was. I broke down and reached out for help. I was put on wellburtrin and adderall for adhd. This has helped me greatly. I'm less impulsive and calmer every day. Old habits die hard and I'd still slip to being angry sometimes and reactive to her. I've never physically hurt her ever. She was also diagnosed with anxiety and adhd and given prescriptions as well. 

A couple months had gone by and the arguing was less but she would still get triggered by me. So I decided to find a therapist. I did and saw her 3 or 4 times before I asked my wife to join us. She did and the opening up finally began. I was told she has been unhappy for a very long time. And why did I decide to get help now and not before. What took so long etc. She would explain everything in detail to our therapist, how controlling i was. I knew this was going to happen and was ready for it. We would see the therapist every other week together. She had a lot of resentment towards me. For how I had acted and been over the years. I see how bad I was and I really wanted to change. Not for her but for myself. So I tried. I put in so much effort to try. I did everything our therapist asked us to do. 

A few months go by and it starts to feel like she isn't trying. I ask and she tells me that she's working on things internally. As more time goes on it still feels this way and makes me want to try less and there isn't anything that I see as her trying. She is just so easily triggered by me.

Last Friday she was triggered and gave me a piece of her mind. We went to bed and Saturday tried to discuss what happened. She told me she wants to seperate. I didn't fight it. I wasn't going to beg her to stay. We talked the rest of the day calmly making a plan for while she was gone.

She left on Sunday to stay at her friend's rental home. Her BFF is also staying there with her. The guys who's home she is borrowing is going through a divorce himself but is staying at his couple home for their kids whole his ex is out of town. 

This was initially suppose to be 1 week only. Monday she wanted to go for a week and a half. And then when we went to therapy on Tuesday it was recommended to her to do a month. So now it's a month.

She says she wants to breathe. Not feel like she is walking on egg shells around me. So now that she is gone she can breathe. She still kisses me when she sees me. Says I love you and says she always will love me. But needs to be away from me to be able to not see the old me anymore when I am working so hard on being a better person. She comes over almost daily for our kids to put them to bed and spend time with them. It is so awkward around her. I just want her home and to see that I getting better. It takes time but I am. 

I have cried a lot. I keep cleaning the house more and more as if I am prepping for her return. Ive been cleaning carpets. Doing deeper cleaning and making sure our home looks better than before. I asked her which way she was leaning either to stay together or not and she doesn't know. I asked because if the kissing and saying I love you. I don't want to be strung along if it's going to be a no. But ultimately we are still doing that.

I'm so lost and confused on what to do. I want my partner back. I want us to both be happy together. We are no longer doing therapy together but individual with the same therapist to work on things that we need to individually. (We decided this with our therapist before committing, we know what needs to be worked on together but need to focus on individual). I see the therapist Tuesday alone and will be working on tones and myself. 

She is going to stay here 2 nights a week due to work and the kids.

This house doesn't feel like a home anymore. It feels like just a place. It's not a home without the 4 of us together. I can't stop being sad. I can't stop wanting to ask her to come home. I don't know if I can keep doing this. I need advise... 

Thank you. I am sorry if my thoughts are a bit random. It is hard for me to type all of this and keep myself together.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Wow, that's a sad story.

You need to work on yourself. Keep getting better. Continue to work hard to keep up the house.

The one thing you have no control over is what final decision your W might come to. Be prepared for the worst, and hope for the best. Just make sure you continue to show her that you are changing for the better. The changes you are making are for yourself, and they may end up being necessary for someone else other than for your W.

Best of luck with everything.


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## Bio92 (4 mo ago)

ah_sorandy said:


> Wow, that's a sad story.
> 
> You need to work on yourself. Keep getting better. Continue to work hard to keep up the house.
> 
> ...



That's the plan. And has been from the start of my own mental health journey. My hope with her right now is saying I love you and the kiss hello and good bye is there a good amount of hope. I'm hoping she can come back ready to work together


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You didn't mention employment. Are you both working? It sounds like you were spending too much time together for her. That's not really unusual if you're both home most of the time like during covid.

Maybe if you were both working full time and not at home, maybe she wouldn't be feeling she had no privacy or freedom. 

Everybody is different how much time time to themselves they want or just time out of the house. 

Maybe if you were both working full time, you can have someone come in to clean once a week. Sounds like both kids are finally school age. Maybe only a half day for the 4-year-old but within a year of being full-time students.

Did your youngest just start kindergarten this year? Is that what enabled her to finally have some time to herself and to socialize with friends? Can't blame her for wanting to do that if she's been cooped up this whole time. 

I don't think you can clean your way out of this because I don't think that's all there is to it. She is needing some freedom and to get out of the house. Apparently you are not that way. 

But that doesn't mean her needs are any less important. 

I'm glad you're in therapy because that's where you both need to be. You know there's a thing or you can love someone but not want to live with them because it stresses you out too much. Is it temporary or permanent? Don't know the only way to change any of that up is for you both to get out of the house so you're not under each other's feet all the time. It probably is just as much her issue as yours. So don't break your back trying to fix it with chores. Just do your part. 

Just keep going to therapy. Let me know your and her employment situation. That's one area that might need to change.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

You can’t fix a broken marriage by separating, that’s what you do to get ready for divorce. You both need to decide and communicate what you really want. You can’t work on your marriage when you aren’t there.


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## Bio92 (4 mo ago)

Captain Obvious said:


> You can’t fix a broken marriage by separating, that’s what you do to get ready for divorce. You both need to decide and communicate what you really want. You can’t work on your marriage when you aren’t there.


She is here quite a bit. Sorry I didn't make that clear. Essentially she is working and sleeping somewhere else. She comes home every day after work until the kids are in bed and then leaves for the night until after work the next day. And for the kids on the weekends we are doing family things for them


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## Bio92 (4 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You didn't mention employment. Are you both working? It sounds like you were spending too much time together for her. That's not really unusual if you're both home most of the time like during covid.
> 
> Maybe if you were both working full time and not at home, maybe she wouldn't be feeling she had no privacy or freedom.
> 
> ...


Thank you!

Yes we are both employeed full time and both work from home. Same company and department... and yes I agree we are around eachother too much. Our youngest does daycare full time and the other is in 1st grade. 

I don't blame her at all for wanting her own me time. I've been working on figuring out what that looks like for me. Both kids do sports so I never have any myself. It's work. Family and kids time. 

The plan is temporary. 1 month. I'd like less but I get it and I support her and I have told her that. When she is here (like today) I am just being us and a family. Not talking about the elephant in the room. 

I know I can't clean my way out of it but I don't think it's that. I feel like I'm doing it to prep for a homecoming in a way. And to show I didn't let the house fall apart. Which is a stress of hers that she told me when leaving. I'm also trying to show consistency by doing all of this. Because that has been an issue in the past.

I'm going i keep doing what I am for me. And thats the 1 thing I am 100% certain of.

You brought up needing to get out of the house. And yes she does. She would go out weekly on Thursdays with her friends. I didn't have any until recently of my own. Not couple friends. So I was a home body and I hated it. I like to be out and social. So that's what I am trying to do more of. She encourages it too. 

I think the love is still there. If there wasn't I think this would go a lot differently.


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## Bio92 (4 mo ago)

I would like to add financially we cannot afford seperate homes or rentals with this market and pricing. So at the end of this 1 month if she doesn't want to sleep in the same bed as me I am going to be moving into the spare room we have downstairs. And treat it as a studio apartment. 

This entire situation feels very unique and not like a typical separation or divorce or anything of the sort


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Bio92 said:


> Thank you!
> 
> Yes we are both employeed full time and both work from home. Same company and department... and yes I agree we are around eachother too much. Our youngest does daycare full time and the other is in 1st grade.
> 
> ...


At least one of you has got to stop working at home and get out of that house. That is just too much time together for almost anybody. You need a break from each other. Years ago people used to call that cabin fever which is when you got stuck with someone in your house because of a big snow storm up in Colorado for the whole winter and went crazy on each other. 

It's not natural. One of you needs to get a job out of the house.


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## Bio92 (4 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> At least one of you has got to stop working at home and get out of that house. That is just too much time together for almost anybody. You need a break from each other. Years ago people used to call that cabin fever which is when you got stuck with someone in your house because of a big snow storm up in Colorado for the whole winter and went crazy on each other.
> 
> It's not natural. One of you needs to get a job out of the house.


Well we still work from home doing the same jobs. She just is at the place she's staying at. 

And yes I think it's cabin fever. I have a list of ideas if and when she comes back of how we can do this and spend less time together. Example is 1 one of us would leave the house for work daily instead of being at home. But still do the same jobs.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Where is she sleeping?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your situation sadly isn’t unique at all — exactly this sort of thing happens all the time. Do the two of you have an agreement not to see others while you are separated? Very often the one who wants the separation also wants to date but they don’t mention that. Ask.


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## Bio92 (4 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> Where is she sleeping?


Her friends rental home with her BFF. The guy who owns the home isn't using it or staying there right now during his divorce with his wife. And he's staying at his family home for his kids for a while. Its confusing lol. Think of it like an airbnb with her best friend


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## Bio92 (4 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Your situation sadly isn’t unique at all — exactly this sort of thing happens all the time. Do the two of you have an agreement not to see others while you are separated? Very often the one who wants the separation also wants to date but they don’t mention that. Ask.


We have an agreement to not talk or text unless it's about the kids or 100% necessary on life things. I did ask if she goes out at night to tell me if she made it there and home because we have had a lot of abductions and sex trafficking here and she agreed right away (shes petite and i wont lie she would easily get taken). She comes to the house daily and we talk in person just as people would in person. The main agreement is on not talking when she isn't here. To give her as much space as I can.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Bio92 said:


> Her friends rental home with her BFF. The guy who owns the home isn't using it or staying there right now during his divorce with his wife. And he's staying at his family home for his kids for a while. Its confusing lol. Think of it like an airbnb with her best friend


If it’s confusing to you in any way - that’s a problem. So let’s clarify.
So your wife’s female friend is renting a house from some guy who isn’t using it and isn’t living there. 
Your wife’s friend is living there by herself, and your wife is staying with her for the past week.
Is that correct? Because the way you described it, it sounds like there’s more to the situation.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Her male friend that is getting divorced and whose house she is staying at, do you know if your wife and him have been talking a lot recently about their home and marriage problems? How good of a friend is he?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Bio92 said:


> We have an agreement to not talk or text unless it's about the kids or 100% necessary on life things. I did ask if she goes out at night to tell me if she made it there and home because we have had a lot of abductions and sex trafficking here and she agreed right away (shes petite and i wont lie she would easily get taken). She comes to the house daily and we talk in person just as people would in person. The main agreement is on not talking when she isn't here. To give her as much space as I can.


If you don’t want her to date then you need to tell her that. Otherwise she could well say at some point in the future that she didn’t know she wasn’t supposed to.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Bio92 said:


> Well we still work from home doing the same jobs. She just is at the place she's staying at.
> 
> And yes I think it's cabin fever. I have a list of ideas if and when she comes back of how we can do this and spend less time together. Example is 1 one of us would leave the house for work daily instead of being at home. But still do the same jobs.


That would be good. Some places have a little daily work space you can rent.


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## Bio92 (4 mo ago)

Captain Obvious said:


> Her male friend that is getting divorced and whose house she is staying at, do you know if your wife and him have been talking a lot recently about their home and marriage problems? How good of a friend is he?


I do know the guy and we have talked about any sort of cheating and I do trust her that she would never do that.


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## Bio92 (4 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> If you don’t want her to date then you need to tell her that. Otherwise she could well say at some point in the future that she didn’t know she wasn’t supposed to.


She's not dating and she doesn't want to. Neither do I. That boundry was set for this. The goal is to get back together. That's the goal we set before and during our last therapy session.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Openminded said:


> If you don’t want her to date then you need to tell her that. Otherwise she could well say at some point in the future that she didn’t know she wasn’t supposed to.


1. Allowing a separation is a very bad idea.
2. Allowing a separation without clear, iron-clad boundaries is beyond idiotic. It almost guarantees lines will be crossed.
End this situation now or be prepared for your wife to **** another man. And she will justify it because she was “separated” from you and there was no agreement that she wouldn’t see other men. And you need to get over it.


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## Bio92 (4 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> If it’s confusing to you in any way - that’s a problem. So let’s clarify.
> So your wife’s female friend is renting a house from some guy who isn’t using it and isn’t living there.
> Your wife’s friend is living there by herself, and your wife is staying with her for the past week.
> Is that correct? Because the way you described it, it sounds like there’s more to the situation.


I'll do my best to explain

Her female BFF did a legal separation with her husband and moved in with us until she found a place. Then their mutual male friend is getting divorced and rented a house. His wife is out of town and he is with his kids at his house for 2 weeks that they shared. So the rental was empty. My wife and her BFF are staying at his rental temporarily.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Bio92 said:


> I'll do my best to explain
> 
> Her female BFF did a legal separation with her husband and moved in with us until she found a place. Then their mutual male friend is getting divorced and rented a house. His wife is out of town and he is with his kids at his house for 2 weeks that they shared. So the rental was empty. My wife and her BFF are staying at his rental temporarily.


And this all happened to coincide at the exact same time that your wife decided she wanted to separate from you. 
This whole situation seems very sketchy to me.


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## Bio92 (4 mo ago)

Please no one say she is cheating or anything like that. We have had many open discussions on the topic. I know she isnt and wouldn't do that


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## Bio92 (4 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> And this all happened to coincide at the exact same time that your wife decided she wanted to separate from you.
> This whole situation seems very sketchy to me.


No her friend has lived with us for a year now


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Bio92 said:


> Please no one say she is cheating or anything like that. We have had many open discussions on the topic. I know she isnt and wouldn't do that


I'm sorry, but you are familiar with the concept of lying. Cheaters always lie.

Your wife left you. You are aware of this.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Bio92 said:


> Please no one say she is cheating or anything like that. We have had many open discussions on the topic. I know she isnt and wouldn't do that


Not saying she is cheating, maybe she is, maybe she isn’t.
But blindly refusing to acknowledge that it’s plausible (and insisting that she would never do such a thing) is the height of foolishness and nativity.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

We aren’t trying to make you more miserable, but the problem here is that TAM is full of stories just like yours, and they all follow a similar script. Is it just a coincidence that your wife wants to separate from you and live in the vacant house of her male friend that just so happens to be going through a divorce? Maybe it is, but we are saying is don’t just assume it.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Bio92 said:


> Please no one say she is cheating or anything like that. We have had many open discussions on the topic. I know she isnt and wouldn't do that


Ok, time for the standard separation guidance.
You need to take control of your situation immediately and not let your wife dictate the terms of your marriage and eventual divorce - because that’s where it’s going.

DO NOT allow this separation to continue, period.
A separation is only a way to:

ease into a divorce at her convenience
and/or
try out another man/men. Do not allow a separation. She can work on her/your issues at home, as your wife. You can give her some space without a separation.
She’s either your wife or she’s not. Do not tolerate anything in between.
If she insists she needs to continue this separation to figure things out, YOU file for divorce immediately - because that is what she is choosing. She just wants to do it at her convenience.
If she insists on a separation, she is choosing to no longer be your wife, respond accordingly.
You need to act immediately in your own best interest.


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## Bio92 (4 mo ago)

You guys do know our therapist even said to do this. She litterally comes home daily. She's only gone during work, and sleep.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Bio92 said:


> You guys do know our therapist even said to do this. She litterally comes home daily. She's only gone during work, and sleep.


Then you need a better therapist. There are some very bad / incompetent / counterproductive ones.
Additionally, a therapist it’s not a substitute for your own judgment. Never follow them blindly.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Bio92 said:


> You guys do know our therapist even said to do this. She litterally comes home daily. She's only gone during work, and sleep.


Listen. Separations sometimes people to separate. Sometimes they cheat. That doesn't mean it happens all the time. However, when being apart is better than that means your wife basically doesn't like you anymore.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Bio92 said:


> You guys do know our therapist even said to do this. She litterally comes home daily. She's only gone during work, and sleep.


Your wife comes home daily, but sleeps at the "vacant" home of a separated male friend.
Why does she come home? What does she do while she's with you?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Bio92 said:


> Please no one say she is cheating or anything like that. We have had many open discussions on the topic. I know she isnt and wouldn't do that


She’s the only one who knows for sure what she’s doing. Hopefully your thinking is correct but I can’t tell you how many times couples have separated and the one who wanted the separation started dating behind the other’s back. Never, ever feel that you know 100% what she will or won’t do because you’re not inside her head. I hope it all works out the way you want it to but it’s not a good idea to blindly trust someone. People get badly hurt every day doing that.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Bio92 said:


> I would like to add financially we cannot afford seperate homes or rentals with this market and pricing. So at the end of this 1 month if she doesn't want to sleep in the same bed as me I am going to be moving into the spare room we have downstairs. And treat it as a studio apartment.
> 
> This entire situation feels very unique and not like a typical separation or divorce or anything of the sort


If she wants the separatIon, she gets the spare room. Symbolically, she is leaving the marriage.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Bio92 said:


> I'll do my best to explain
> 
> Her female BFF did a legal separation with her husband and moved in with us until she found a place. Then their mutual male friend is getting divorced and rented a house. His wife is out of town and he is with his kids at his house for 2 weeks that they shared. So the rental was empty. My wife and her BFF are staying at his rental temporarily.


OK, you do realize that the reason people are raising the cheating question is that it is REALLY common during separations? In fact, in TAM, it seems like the MAJORITY of the time a spouse (particularly wives) request a separation, there is another person in the picture. (From my own memory of TAM threads, it seems husbands request separations less, but it seems to me like it's because the cheating husbands are more likely to "have their cake and eat it too" with a keeping woman on the side, while cheating wives seem more likely to be moving on to a new person with a separation as the prelude.)

More to your post quoted above, a jaded TAM person will look at your story and wonder if your wife is developing a relationship with her BFF. It's been seen before on TAM.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Bio92 said:


> She is here quite a bit. Sorry I didn't make that clear. Essentially she is working and sleeping somewhere else. She comes home every day after work until the kids are in bed and then leaves for the night until after work the next day. And for the kids on the weekends we are doing family things for them


When you sit down with your therapist, ask them some questions. 

First, how long should it be before the two of you will be ready to resume couple's therapy?

Tell you therapist that you love your wife and want to reconcile, however, you don't really know if your wife is ready to start a reconciliation process. Ask if she has any insights she can share?

Ask your therapist, if you should find an office to work from so your wife can have more space and spend more time at home?

From my perspective, you need to focus on being less clingy and less needy or codependent on your wife for emotional validation. You need to work on getting a life. GAL is code words for becoming a more integrated man who is pround of himself and his accomplishments. One of the things, I did in my GAL program was to include my sons in my activities. Part of my program was to take up mountain climbing and endurance events, such as 100 mile club bicycle rides. Becoming a better and closer father was an accomplishment I was proud of that did not involve my wife or seeking her approval. You can go for walks with your kids, take them swimming, etc.

Even when I was contemplating divorcing my wife, I still loved her. She was the woman who blessed me with two wonderful sons. She can say she "loves you and will always love you" and still feel smothered by you and even contemplate divorcing you.

The best thing you can do is read Glover's book No More Mr. Nice Guy and figure out how to get a life and how to become a more integrated man who is not codependent.

Good luck.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Bio92 said:


> I'll do my best to explain
> 
> Her female BFF did a legal separation with her husband and moved in with us until she found a place. Then their mutual male friend is getting divorced and rented a house. His wife is out of town and he is with his kids at his house for 2 weeks that they shared. So the rental was empty. My wife and her BFF are staying at his rental temporarily.


Boy that sounds like a lot of divorced people and separated people all having various claims on the same living quarters in various ways and times.

It sounds so much like the stories of one spouse going on a business trip and staying in the same hotel as a coworker, they go to a bar together, come go back to where some of them sleep, "and then one things leads to another and no one really planned anything."

You might not be able to afford a separate apartment, but can you find some other way of her having space? I like the idea of using the spare bedroom, but how about an office to get you out of the house for a while?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I don't know what is going on with your wife for sure, but I do know that almost 100% of cheaters deny that they are cheating. They are hoping you believe them. You must be worried about it or you wouldn't have brought it up with her, then she said "no," which doesn't mean a thing. If she were cheating, she wouldn't tell you. She would lie to you. Therefore, you really have no idea whether she is cheating on your or not.

I'm sorry that this is happening to you. You obviously have a trusting heart and you love your wife, but she doesn't feel the same way about you or she would not be sleeping somewhere else. 

Ask yourself what the purpose is of her sleeping elsewhere. Why come home, then go sleep somewhere else? The most obvious answer is that she is having sex with someone else and she doesn't want you to know about it. Usually the most obvious answer is the correct one, but rarely it's not.


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

Bio92 said:


> You guys do know our therapist even said to do this. She litterally comes home daily. She's only gone during work, and sleep.


Oh boy… You DO know fellatio only takes 3-5 minutes right?

There was a well known case of a 15 year long affair between two teachers in my STBXW’s… They were having sex10 minutes a day and even put the affair on standby from July to September.


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## So far so good (7 mo ago)

A marriage is a partnership and both partners need to compromise at some point. You have listened to your wife and improved yourself, but what about her? 

Your story reads like “wife is not happy and wants husband to change. Wife sits back and decides if it’s good enough. Maybe not… she leaves, sits back, cross her hand behind her head, put her feet up, and watch you improve; she will decide if you’re good enough once in a while”. Life is good.

it sounds like you love your wife a whole lot more than she loves you. Had she loved you and your marriage, she would have said: let’s work TOGETHER to fix things. I promise to do this, you promise to do that etc…

Also know that when a spouse gets irritated at every little thing and find excuses to be away with friends etc, it could be that there’s someone else in the picture, no matter what they say and swear. Just to be sure, do a little digging. Check phone records, bank accounts, credit cards, emails etc…


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

arguments about taking out the trash eventually lead to separation ?? She is staying elsewhere at a home owned by some man going through D? Seems something way more going on


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Check your phone, show up to that guys house unannounced. Bring flowers and act like it's a romantic gesture. Bet he is there or someone else is.

You should file. You will have more luck doing that then groveling. If she wanted to work on the marriage she would be in the marriage. Right now she wants to put you on ice so she can see what her options are. She has no fear at all, that's not good.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Bio92 said:


> She is here quite a bit. Sorry I didn't make that clear. Essentially she is working and sleeping somewhere else. She comes home every day after work until the kids are in bed and then leaves for the night until after work the next day. And for the kids on the weekends we are doing family things for them





Bio92 said:


> You guys do know our therapist even said to do this. She litterally comes home daily. She's only gone during work, and sleep.


Then you need a new therapist, because that "advice" is just ridiculous.

You do NOT solve marriage problems by living separately, you solve them by staying together and working on things. Separation is just a stepping stone to divorce.

Time to **** or get off the pot OP. Tell your wife that she's either your wife or she's not, and if she is then to get her arse home, if she's not then file.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

So he is gone for 2 weeks but your wife is going to stay there for a month?
What happens when his 2 weeks are up? Does it coincide with the ending of the month for your wife?


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

1st , sorry you are here. I know you feel lost. Some things that you have said just do not make sense . 
Her BFF lived with you for a yr ? How did u 2 get along , ? Is it possible that she is coaching your wife ? Is it possible that your wife and her BFF are in some type of relationship that you are not aware of ? Why did her BFF go with her to this house ? 

I copied this:
What happens when his 2 weeks are up? Does it coincide with the ending of the month for your wife ? If it doesn't will your wife be staying there with this other guy ?

Does your wife or her BFF have any romantic history with this man ?

It makes no sense to me why she would come home every day , help with the kids yet sleep somewhere else. Is she repulsed by you ? ( I mean no disrespect )

Has she given you any update on how she feels going forward ?

Sorry about all the questions I just can't wrap head around where this separation is actually going . Or not going

Why didn't she want you to go to festivals with her ? Why would she think you were going to sabotage her good time ?

Does she drink or get real loose at these events


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## lmucamac (4 mo ago)

Bio92 said:


> We have an agreement to not talk or text unless it's about the kids or 100% necessary on life things. I did ask if she goes out at night to tell me if she made it there and home because we have had a lot of abductions and sex trafficking here and she agreed right away (shes petite and i wont lie she would easily get taken). She comes to the house daily and we talk in person just as people would in person. The main agreement is on not talking when she isn't here. To give her as much space as I can.


If you’re separated to both work on your individual issues, then why are you spending so much time together? Don’t say for the kids, that’s a lame excus, not a reason. Your kids know what’s going on. When she comes over, leave the house. Go in a separate room. Stop the kissing. No matter what happens, a part of her will always love you as you are the father of her children. Continue to work on yourself. You can’t change the past, learn from it and move on.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Bio92 said:


> I do know the guy and we have talked about any sort of cheating and I do trust her that she would never do that.


Famous last words bud. Go online and check your phone bill. It’s a good easy check. Takes 10-15 minutes 
Separation is most often a prelude for divorce. See an attorney and figure out where you stand. 
Wake up to reality or you are likely to get woken up.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Marriage takes two. If you don’t have that you will be wasting your time.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Bio92 said:


> I would like to add financially we cannot afford seperate homes or rentals with this market and pricing. So at the end of this 1 month if she doesn't want to sleep in the same bed as me I am going to be moving into the spare room we have downstairs. And treat it as a studio apartment.
> 
> This entire situation feels very unique and not like a typical separation or divorce or anything of the sort


Nope, your situation is not unique at all. It’s just unique to you. Read some threads on here. Educate yourself.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Bio92 said:


> I'll do my best to explain
> 
> Her female BFF did a legal separation with her husband and moved in with us until she found a place. Then their mutual male friend is getting divorced and rented a house. His wife is out of town and he is with his kids at his house for 2 weeks that they shared. So the rental was empty. My wife and her BFF are staying at his rental temporarily.


Birds of a feather flock together. Stop being naive and start digging.
People like you come here quite often and upfront only see what they want to see until….


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

frusdil said:


> Then you need a new therapist, because that "advice" is just ridiculous.
> 
> You do NOT solve marriage problems by living separately, you solve them by staying together and working on things. Separation is just a stepping stone to divorce.
> 
> Time to **** or get off the pot OP. Tell your wife that she's either your wife or she's not, and if she is then to get her arse home, if she's not then file.


Yep, therapists are not Gods. Less than a 50% chance you’ll find a decent one.
From what I’ve seen most often all you accomplish is contributing to their kids college funds,


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## StillGettingWiser (6 mo ago)

You said the BFF she is staying with lived with you for a year and she is divorced, correct?

Did they ever go out together? Bars, movies, restaurants etc?

It is generally not prosperous to a marriage for those in the marriage to make a habit of doing things in certain environments with a single friend(s). Especially a divorced woman who is free to play the field.

This is why people are raising red flags here. You both spent too much time together working from home, and had a divorced single woman there every day.

I've personally have seen this happen to someone. His wife hung around with her married friends. One got a divorce, then another and before long all were divorced except his wife who kept going out with them. They all told her how great it is to be divorced, to be free to do whatever & whenever. Sure enough she hit the gym hard, started going out more and coming home later and later. Now they are divorced because he wasn't putting up with it.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Marc878 said:


> Yep, therapists are not Gods. Less than a 50% chance you’ll find a decent one.
> From what I’ve seen most often all you accomplish is contributing to their kids college funds,


Yep. I'm not a fan personally, but each to their own. In my experience they just make everything worse.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Bio92 said:


> You guys do know our therapist even said to do this. She litterally comes home daily. She's only gone during work, and sleep.


This same thing couldn't be accomplished in a spare bedroom of your home?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

This doesn’t require a therapist. Your wife is cheating, has been acting as a single woman going to “dj shows” and festivals (you can’t even type that she’s going out to bars with single women) and has found that she likes being single and being with other guys or guy, more than she likes being married to you.

She has moved out and is having sex with someone else and coming home to you and the kids to keep you on the hook and not divorcing her. She wants space. BS
She wants away from YOU so you won’t see her with other men and can keep you killing spiders and doing chores, and continuing as her babysitter while she chases tail. If you saw the truth, you might actually do what a reasonable person would do which is divorce her. The fact that you don’t want to accept that your wife is cheating on you, doesn’t mean it’s not true. I’m sorry, you’re going to have to accept the truth one day. Some guys never do.

You say she wouldn’t cheat on you. Yeah, I said that and so have millions of other men who were ignoring reality and wishing the truth wasn’t reality. You’ll either be too ashamed to come back and say we were right, or you’ll finally get some balls and go pay your wife a visit at her new pad at night. She will either be gone at night to her AP’s place, or the AP will be there with her. If you go there, don’t be a coward and not go in and see for yourself who is there. Of course, don’t give her the chance to call the law on you either. If she won’t let you in, you should finally be able to accept the truth.

Stop the nonsense. Your situation isn’t complex. What you’re wife is doing—rewriting marital history, bringing up minor crap as a reason to separate from you, etc. it’s all CLASSIC cheater script.

Stop ignoring the truth. Go see an attorney and stop dodging reality. Your wife is going to divorce you at her convenience, or you’ll divorce her at yours. Accept it. Your marriage is over.

Side note: taking another person who is going through a divorce is not wise. It’s like taking in a person with smallpox. It never works out.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Bio92 said:


> I do know the guy and we have talked about any sort of cheating and I do trust her that she would never do that.


I trusted my ex too. Her affair was later proven. It’s not what you want to hear, but 99% chance it’s happening. Sorry man.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Looks like OP didn’t hear what he wanted to hear and has bailed to put his head back in the sand. Pity.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

Bio92 said:


> I am new here and very lost and confused. I don't know what to do anymore but let me explain.
> 
> My wife has seperated from me for the last week. We have been married 8 years together for 12. We are both 30. We have 2 kids (4 and 6). I didn't have anyone I could stay with and she did so she left as a trial separation.
> 
> ...


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## Rayr44 (6 mo ago)

I am so sorry to hear your situation. I hope things work out for you and your wife. All the very best!


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## BoSlander (5 mo ago)

Bio92 said:


> I do know the guy and we have talked about any sort of cheating and I do trust her that she would never do that.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)




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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

@Bio92 ...Whats the update ? Is your wife still at the other man's home or has she come back to you ?


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