# GUYS!!! How do I stop him from pulling away



## pickles2009 (May 5, 2009)

Hi! Since I have your attention, I'd like to ask for your help. Let me lay down a little track for you. 

I am in love with the most amazing man on the face of the planet. Yeah, you know those stories we read as little girls while we're wearing our fairy princess outfits, and there are horses castles and all that good stuff? You know the story.... the one that through our adult life we pretty much figure out through trial and error is just a bunch of crap.... well I'm living proof that it's not. I've got Mr Perfect right here. Well, ok.... almost Mr. Perfect or I wouldn't be on here would I? To give him credit where credit is due, this is likely all about me and my inefficiencies. I'm not perfect and I don't expect him to be. We've been living together a year. It was a world wind romance, we we're living together in a month and that was after 3 weeks of my staying over every night. He really and truly is my soul mate. 

So here is the problem. Or what I think is the problem. We're both very busy professional people. On top of that, he is a semi professional musician and all of our free time is spent traveling for gigs rehearsals, etc. So.... we really don't have any down time. When we first got together we talked openly, and we still do for the most part. He has an ex girlfriend who he shares custody of the dogs with. I knew about it going into the relationship and honestly, I don't care about this aspect. We aren't home a lot and there are kids from her first marriage that love the dogs, etc. I'm fine with that aspect. What I'm not fine with and what I've been pushing on is two, ok three, things. 

#1 she has a key to the house and comes into my home to pick up and drop off the dogs. 

#2 They've been apart for close to three years now and she still has a bunch of her personal belonging stored here which I have to look at every day

#3 We are planning to start a family, actively attempting to get pregnant, in July of this year. 

So, those are the three things we've got going on. Like I said before, I'm fine with the sharing custody arrangment of the dogs, I just don't want her in my home. I've tried over the last 5-6 months to ask for him to get this taken care of and give him time to manage it. Since we decided we want to start a family (and eventually marriage), my nesting instincts have kicked into hyper "get her out of my nest" mode and I've apparently made the mistake of "*****ing" too much about it. 

He's withdrawn, only on these subjects and won't talk to me about it. I try to pull back, not bring it up and give him space to figure it out on his own, but this is really important to me. I don't know how to achieve what I need, her out of the house, while still trying to figure out what he needs (other than for me to quit "*****ing") in order for us both to move through the issue in a much less stressful mode. 

I'm really not an unreasonable woman. I've lived with another woman, who he's had his penis inside, coming in and out of my home for a year. I trust him implicitly and I know he's not cheating. I also know what kind of person she is and that she's using her kids as little tools to get what she want's out of him. They did live with him for a few years, he loves the children. He is a very good and ethical man and wouldn't hurt them, would do anything to protect someone he cared about. 

Guys, what does he want? I've tried open, honest, direct wihtout drama requests. I've tried suggestions as to what options there are so she doesn't need to get into the house including that I would pay for a new gate with a better/easier lock to be installed in the fence so she would be able to get them through the yard. I've tried using the by x date we need to get to this point. I've tried saying it's hurting me...... I've tried it all. 

WHAT IS IT THAT I HAVEN'T TRIED THAT IS SO OBVIOUS TO YOU THAT I AM MISSING HERE?

Please help. I love this man more than life. I want to start a family with him but I can't do that until she isn't in my home. It is ripping me apart to think that she could ruin our chances for having a family. I don't have years to fart around, I'm 41. We need to get this show on the road here!

Help, please help. 

Pickles2009


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## Lavender (May 14, 2008)

You are doing better than Most would and I feel for you ..Hopefully he comes around & does right by you .. when you have made it clear it bothers you then it should bother him as well & Sheesh Its sounds like you have tried everything but ....

Umm Changing the Locks on the house yourself .. so her Key No longer works.. and Place Her leftover items outside to be picked up when she gets the dogs is the only suggestion I know that will actually get the results you deserve!


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## pickles2009 (May 5, 2009)

I have way too much respect for him to do that. I can't force him to do anything, that doesn't work. And.... it is his house after all. I couldn't do that to him, it would wound him and I won't do that. Trust me, I've thought of it. I suggested changing the locks, saying I would pay for it. I suggested that I would help with a rental truck to get her stuff out. I came up with ideas on how to make it easier for her to access the dogs via the gate and even going to so far as drafting a nice new gazebo area in the yard so we could install a small chest where she could put leashes, where he could place items he wanted her to pick up etc. 

I just don't know what the problem is. He swears he's not in love with her and I know that the relationship was painful for him in that she cheated on him (according to a friend of his) so I don't see how he could still be in the "I want her in my life" mode. He doesn't act like that, romantically, in any way at all. 

I don't know what he needs from me in order to close this door and open a new one so that our life together can move forward. The thing is that I do love him and I do have patience and will admit, which I'm sure he knows, that I'm not willing to throw it away if he doesn't get her out. At least not at this point. I am starting to feel like I'm on "simmer" though, boil is surely not too far away and that will only compound the issue further. 

Anyone else, men in particular, have any thoughts on what is going on in his head, what I'm not getting?


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## confoozed (May 3, 2009)

Wow... well.. 

You could try (if you havent already) the approach where as you try you best calmly to put him in your shoes... Dont just say "put yourself in my shoes" actively break it down play by play and remember to re-emphasize how much you trust and know he would never cheat BUT.. its uncomfortable for you. Try not to give him an outright ultimatum, yet the same time. Allow him to realize that even though he may think its a silly overreaction etc... on your part. How serious you really are.

Hopefully he will see the light if he sincerely put himself in your shoes...

other than that, Id say just keep the faith... really... love (so they say) has its way of working things out. and your not that old so stop playing that card too...


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## pickles2009 (May 5, 2009)

LOL, I'm not ancient, my clock is just tick tocking away and if we're going to be a family, we need to launch the boat. He feels the same, not wanting to have a baby when were 50. He's 40, I'm 41. 

I've tried the put yourself in my shows, with visual aids and mental imagery, etc. and it doesn't do anything. 

Bottom line is that I won't leave him over some other womans crap. I might leave him if he doesn't kick her out of the house, eventually. I'm not there yet. 

BUT what I really want to know is..... what is the real issue? What is the problem for him? What am I not getting here?


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## confoozed (May 3, 2009)

maybe... he has some social connection with her from the past that he (even while being faithful), just refuses to let go.. maybe ...

not really sure... if we were in "real life" I would seriously love to just ask the guy..Dude? what the hell are you thinking... your going to lose something near and dear if you dont snap out of it....


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Thanks stacy....sorry got confused, to much coffee...lol


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Soccerman....these are two different people. It's confusing but one is named Pickles (the college student you are referring to) and this poster is named Pickles2009 (the 41 year old).


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