# Plan "B"



## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

How many of us that took that enormous leap of faith to reconcile still have that niggling feeling of being "PLAN B"?

I still do from time to time when I think back on things, even though things are better than ever.

Who else? And why?


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Yes. Definitely. So many reasons. Too many to list, and most of them make me look and feel like a total fool. There are also many that go against this belief. Thus the limbo has stayed and I have been there for far too long. I have pretty much cut myself free, barely been together since Christmas. And I have been happy with that. The only time I am unhappy is when it looks like he might have made movements in the right direction and then something happens, it only needs a tiny thing now, and it all seems fruitless again.


----------



## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Actually no. Don't know if I could take that. WW is kinda weird. Her affairs followed the "guy" pattern more than the avg. female pattern. No emotional attachment, no "I love you"s, just sex and texting. Neither her or the POSOM were in it for the relationship. As soon as they knew I was on to them they called it off. She was thinking about leaving but as soon as she came out of the "fog" she confessed everything to me. Still trying to figure it all out, but I'm pretty convinced now that I'm not plan B.


----------



## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

I hate having this notion in my head that had they been closer, as in, in the same city, then things would have been so different!!!

Sometimes I almost wish I'd just thrown her out, almost wish it had gone PA so there would have been irrefutable proof of her intentions, but I settled for trying to work through our issues and problems that have mainly only come from her EA 

I am at that seemingly magical 2yr point where I am over what happened but seem to feel that perhaps I would be better off without her? 

I seem to be having a harder time of late and for no real reason, things are good, we connect better and communicate what we feel, well I do and she seems to.

The trust was broken and I have to say that I was never a great trusting guy, my ex-W hurt me and I lost most trust in people the first time and now I just can't seem to find it in myself to continue.

This whole episode makes me feel like plan B when I should have always been A+.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Can she step it up and make you feel like a king again? Is she doing everything in her power to show you that the sun rises and sets for her with your love?


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Brother,

I am sorry you have that feeling. I personally had it put to me I was plan B. I think that was easier to deal with. There were no niggling doubts. I still have trust issues with women. They have died way down but they are there.

It is hard to detach sometimes but focus on a great thing that you have in life, whatever it is. When you start having that feeling, change your focus. If it is your gut telling you then you know the drill. Trust your gut.

I am sorry you are going through this. God bless.


----------



## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> Brother,
> 
> I am sorry you have that feeling. I personally had it put to me I was plan B. I think that was easier to deal with. There were no niggling doubts. I still have trust issues with women. They have died way down but they are there.
> 
> ...


Been focused on my truck this last couple weeks, welding and fixing, just keeping my head busy, it has been a great help.



ConanHub said:


> Can she step it up and make you feel like a king again? Is she doing everything in her power to show you that the sun rises and sets for her with your love?


She tries but I think there was an enormous trigger for me when her boss was having relationship issues and got the "we need a break" speech, what does that mean in real terms? We all know it is code for "I'm gonna phuck someone else but it doesn't matter because we are on a break", and this brought some extreme anxiety for me and saw a return of those insecurities I have worked hard to put to rest, and a returned thinking of my being plan B.

She surprises me with tools and parts for my truck, she helps out when we have time together to do some work on it but still in the back of my mind I am just plain old plan B and not enough to keep her satisfied.

I find comfort here and try to help others, I am also learning more about how I really feel about certain things and situations, maybe not always good but always enlightening.


----------



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Two years in R and I used to wonder if I was plan B but my wife has done everything and then some.
Over a year ago she tried to commit suicide because she thought it would take away the pain.
She has offered to go to womans shelter or to her Moms and her Mom is evil.
Though she texted,talked and even met up with the POS it never went physical,kisses buit no tongue.
The POS stalked us for over a year with calls and text and threats,he was her old hs bf,they didn't get
physical then.
She sees the domino effect this had on quite a few people and the extreme damage it cause.
She even exposed herself.
I'm the "master plan"
I would do it over again if I really had to,would'nt want to but I would.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

My life is good, but I have to see my EX now because of court and she pisses me off on purpose... 

I started seeing a psychologist to help me deal with getting mad. When I feel myself starting to go down a path, I conjure a memory to keep me grounded.

I was sitting in Starbucks with the girl I have been dating and she said something nice to me. I just bent over and kissed her on her cheek. It is simple and just a memory that came to mind that makes me happy so I use it often. Find a memory that is a happy one and when you go down the path, just go to your memory and it will help ease you out of the mire you are in.

Spring is here brother. Something new awaits


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Speaking for my self, my plan is always been my plan A....it's up to my old lady to keep up! 

She never had a plan when she was phucking around so why have one now.....again it's up to her to keep up...she betrayed me and her self so why worry about being a plan B?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

I think it comes down to this.
R is hard even under the best of circumstances but if after a year ou feel like plan
B then you probably are.
Maybe a year and a half but by then you should be shown you are the master plan
and your spouse will back you up like an army.
I have no regrets,I wish I didn't have to go through it,hardest thing I ever did but I really
would do it again.
Its not a mistake,its a life altering fvck up by your spouse and the really remorseful ones
see that,depending on how they handle it a second chance should be afforded.
I'd want one chance to prove myself if I fvcked up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

You know calvin, I hadn't seen it like that, from the position of it having been me making a mistake, what would/could/should I do to make a mends.

That is some real food for thought!!!


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

the guy said:


> Speaking for my self, my plan is always been my plan A....it's up to my old lady to keep up!
> 
> She never had a plan when she was phucking around so why have one now.....again it's up to her to keep up...she betrayed me and her self so why worry about being a plan B?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I like this way of thinking. 

You may have been plan B, but now you are your own plan A and the WS is the plan B. Yeah! 

The WS needs to be made aware of this: they are disposable now. They can be replaced, and since you are already semi-detached as it is, so it won't be a big emotional trauma to have to boot them out the door if they are not making the grade and working towards real R. 

The "Till Death Do Us Part" has been voided from the contract by their own violation of the marital agreement.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

wranglerman said:


> How many of us that took that enormous leap of faith to reconcile still have that niggling feeling of being "PLAN B"?
> 
> I still do from time to time when I think back on things, even though things are better than ever.
> 
> Who else? And why?


Because not so long ago, my wife was speaking to a mutual friend in front of me and she mentioned her former lover's name and said: "I really loved that man. But he was a fool to himself."

So, suddenly, all the doubts and self-doubts came back to haunt me.

I thought it best to say nothing.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Because not so long ago, my wife was speaking to a mutual friend in front of me and she mentioned her former lover's name and said: "I really loved that man. But he was a fool to himself."
> 
> So, suddenly, all the doubts and self-doubts came back to haunt me.
> 
> I thought it best to say nothing.


Yeah... nice gal you married....


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Yeah... nice gal you married....


Ironically, she is one of the nicest, kindest, most compassionate people I have ever known. But she has the ability to come out with statements like the above, too.

Today she phoned me up at work all excited and pleased because our poor elderly Persian cat had, after a week of trying, finally vomited up a hair ball.

Bandit, I never know from one minute to the next if I'll be with the PhD wife or the frightened little girl. It's a bit wearing on the nerves, to be frank.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Ironically, she is one of the nicest, kindest, most compassionate people I have ever known. But she has the ability to come out with statements like the above, too.
> 
> Today she phoned me up at work all excited and pleased because our poor elderly Persian cat had, after a week of trying, finally vomited up a hair ball.
> 
> Bandit, I never know from one minute to the next if I'll be with the PhD wife or the frightened little girl. It's a bit wearing on the nerves, to be frank.


You need a two week holiday, by yourself, on Malta. 

Make her miss you. She is too use to you being there for her. 







Naw....you would never do that.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> You need a two week holiday, by yourself, on Malta.
> 
> Make her miss you. She is too use to you being there for her.
> 
> ...


Yes. But only because the last time I did that -only for four days- our parrot sunk her beak in me and left me with a scar for two f**king years!:rofl:


----------



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> I like this way of thinking.
> 
> You may have been plan B, but now you are your own plan A and the WS is the plan B. Yeah!
> 
> ...


 Yep,that's they way I feel.
If it was ever to happen again I would'nt have that hard of a time going my own way.
You already been through the worst of the crap so and came out stronger.
I don't see it ever happening again but let's just say for sh!ts and giggles it did,
I know I'd be just fine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Yes. But only because the last time I did that -only for four days- our parrot sunk her beak in me and left me with a scar for two f**king years!:rofl:


There would be a bloody pile of feathers where the parrot used to be if that happened to me.


----------



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Because not so long ago, my wife was speaking to a mutual friend in front of me and she mentioned her former lover's name and said: "I really loved that man. But he was a fool to himself."
> 
> So, suddenly, all the doubts and self-doubts came back to haunt me.
> 
> I thought it best to say nothing.


You were a fool to let that lay instead of discussing that with your WW.


----------



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Being it easier for a woman to hook up then a man.

It stands that it easier for a WW to trade up. So when a WW stays and recovers her marriage it is saying that her BH is not plan B.


----------



## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

theroad said:


> Being it easier for a woman to hook up then a man.
> 
> It stands that it easier for a WW to trade up. So when a WW stays and recovers her marriage it is saying that her BH is not plan B.


It is easier for the ww to have sex but much harder to have a relationship. To have a relationship, the WW will have to trade down big time unless she was in an abusive relationship.

Most OM have no respect for the WW. She is not the type of woman you marry.


----------



## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

Yep, recognise the plan B-feeling... But the story is a bit different, I feel B sometimes to his former FWB. Had an online start with our relationship and he didn't cut her of the way that would have been appropriate. The knowledge he chose her in the beginning still makes me feel very insecure, even when he moved to my country later and has no contact anymore.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> There would be a bloody pile of feathers where the parrot used to be if that happened to me.


She was just telling me how upset she had been with me vanishing for the week. It really was no big deal.

She's on my shoulder, this minute, preening herself listening to some music.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

theroad said:


> You were a fool to let that lay instead of discussing that with your WW.


Probably.


----------



## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

wranglerman said:


> I hate having this notion in my head that had they been closer, as in, in the same city, then things would have been so different!!!


I know my fWW would have still seen him had we not moved. And I didn't even know, at the time, that one of her main reasons for moving in with me was to get away from him. But she talked to him on the phone about it and wrote emails and Yahoo chats about it, so I know what she felt, and what she told him back then. 

She said she could not live in the same town where he was and have him not be hers. 

He'd been on a two year stint out of the country (although came home for the holidays in time to screw my then-fiancee), and had just come back in June of that year. She moved 400 miles away with me in May. She told him then she moved so he couldn't get under her skin, but in July, she told him the paragraph above. 

Plan B? Yeah, I still get that. I've had those little tidbits of information for just over a year, and I'm still processing it.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> She was just telling me how upset she had been with me vanishing for the week. It really was no big deal.
> 
> She's on my shoulder, this minute, preening herself listening to some music.


Your wife is on your shoulder preening and listening to music?


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

doubletrouble said:


> I know my fWW would have still seen him had we not moved. And I didn't even know, at the time, that one of her main reasons for moving in with me was to get away from him. But she talked to him on the phone about it and wrote emails and Yahoo chats about it, so I know what she felt, and what she told him back then.
> 
> She said she could not live in the same town where he was and have him not be hers.
> 
> ...


No way I would put up with that kind of treatment. That's B.S.


----------



## NewYearNewMe (Jan 7, 2014)

I sometimes wonder if I was always the "Plan B."


----------



## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> No way I would put up with that kind of treatment. That's B.S.


It *is *BS, and had I known any of it at the time, I would be gone. I'm still not done processing the full impact of her abuse of me. 

I don't think she remembers half of the sh!t she pulled. She sure doesn't want to be reminded, and there's a point where reminding her doesn't do much. But if I'm hurting, I refuse to hurt alone, and it hurts a lot. 

The good part is, she is VERY remorseful and regrets it all. I trigger a lot, and despite my best efforts in the 70s to short circuit my memory, it still works pretty damned good.


----------



## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

NewYearNewMe said:


> I sometimes wonder if I was always the "Plan B."


I was thinking on this thread and how others feel about their own R with their WSs, it makes me realize how we are all so close to throwing away our hard work at our Rs and how sometimes our WSs simply do not get how deeply it affected us.

Whats your story NYNM? Why do you feel like you were plan B all along?


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

wranglerman said:


> How many of us that took that enormous leap of faith to reconcile still have that *niggling* feeling of being "PLAN B"?
> 
> I still do from time to time when I think back on things, even though things are better than ever.
> 
> Who else? And why?


Mine wasn't niggling. It was documented by evidence and admitted to. And yes, it was almost something I couldn't overcome; and may yet not.

But I don't think my WW could do anything more to make me believe she doesn't feel that way anymore, and has been doing that for almost 3 years. She almost does too much, if that makes sense.

Never the less, I will always know that she's "capable" of putting me in that category again. So that's the gamble for us "plan B-er's". It's not like I haven't been warned.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

Truth be told, most of the cases when we come back you are plan B. If it wasn't just for sex and there was love involved, you're plan B.

Now, even though you were plan B, has the WS tried 100% to make sure your plan A now? And that's the question each BS will have to find out on their own, how much their BS has done to prove to them that they are Plan A now.

If love was involved, you were always plan B. We, were going to leave you, that's not plan A when we come back. Heck, most of the time that's not even Plan B, could have been plan Z to go back to the BS.

Don't dwell on that question, look at what the BS has done since then to see if they've proven themselves for you giving them a 2nd chance.


----------



## user_zero (Aug 30, 2013)

CH said:


> Truth be told, most of the cases when we come back you are plan B. If it wasn't just for sex and there was love involved, you're plan B.
> 
> Now, even though you were plan B, has the WS tried 100% to make sure your plan A now? And that's the question each BS will have to find out on their own, how much their BS has done to prove to them that they are Plan A now.
> 
> ...


I think you meant WS not BS...


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I think I was Plan B for nearly the first year of our relationship. HE told me about his "just a friend" ex but I found information that made it clear, at least to me, she was more than just a friend. She was certainly getting the better girlfriend treatment than he was giving me.

I did set up a google alert for "emotional affair" and "just friends" and fortunately found this site that way. But even before I found this site, I realised that if he saw his just a friend ex even one more time, then our relationship would not have been better than an FWB and in that case, I should be dating other men ..... just like his just a friend ex was doing.

When I finally brought it up (remember there is a lot of pressure not to raise the issue, such as the accusation that you will look jealous and insecure........) he immediately made all the right decisions and took the actions that anyone would want / expect to see done. 

I thik sometimes that my timing was just good. He had to come to terms that not only was she never going to be the girlfriend that he was looking for, she wasn't extending herself to be any kind of decent friend to him...... ie, just 2 weeks after that discussion, her bf sent him an invitation to her b-day party which was THAT day....... and then she texted him that night at 11pm (closing time at the pub where the party was) asking "why didn't you come?" 

One thing is certain, anyone who values a friendship with someone who treats you like that is not worthy of my exclusive attention.


----------



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

My wife could'nt believe there was someone out there so charming,so honest,so sweet
Who listend,made lots of money,helped out so many people,was Gandi like.
She found out he was already a serial cheater,theif,broke lying sack of crap who did
years in prison.
She relised it was all fantasy with her old hs bf.
I knew I was her master plan when she got on her knees and begged for forgivenss
and outed her self to people without any prodding from me.
Everyone gets one major fvck up in their life....one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

CH said:


> Now, even though you were plan B, has the WS tried 100% to make sure your plan A now? And that's the question each BS will have to find out on their own, how much their BS has done to prove to them that they are Plan A now.


I dont even want to hear am Plan A from her....i told her either am "the only" plan ever from now on or no plan at all, period.


----------

