# Falling out of love



## lostlove42

I'm new here but needed to get this off of my chest. I am falling out of love with my husband. We've been married for 12 years. We have 3 boys ages 6, 9, and 11. My husband is a good man and father. There has been no connection between us for about 2 years. This last year has been extremely difficult. I have gone away with my husband's family for the past 11 years on vacation. He has a sister who is difficult and wants everything done her way. To top it off, his brother's wife is similar. I was getting ready to start a new teaching job and was very stressed out about. I didn't want to go, but I also wanted to be with my boys on vacation. To make a long story short, I was crabby and my SIL's were getting on my nerves. My husband decided to tell his mom and other sister how I was feeling. When they confronted me I looked to him for assistance and he just looked at me with these sad eyes and let them berate me. I was so hurt that he couldn't stick up for me and that he sold me out in the first place. I left early and I did apologize for my behavior to all of his family. They cannot forgive me and have done some mean things to me over the course of the year. This has driven a huge wedge between my husband and I. He has always put them first.

In addition to that, our sex life has suffered also. He just wants to have sex. There is no romance to go along with it. He is also obsessed with money and has gone so far as to follow my atm transactions over the course of the day. He likes to use me as the "butt" of all his jokes. I am unhappy and I have told him. His reply is that that is how marriage is when you have kids so deal with it! That is not what I want out of a marriage. I have asked him to go to counseling with me, but he shows no interest. I am starting counseling on Wed.

To complicate matters, my boyfriend prior to my husband has emailed me. This is another story that is too long to post here, but he was the love of my life but our timing was not right. He was frightened by his feelings, my mom was diagnosed with a terminal illness and then I met my husband. My old BF was then able to ask me to marry him, but I got scared. I needed security knowing that my mom was not going to make it. Needless to say we have been emailing for a month now. I have not seen him as he lives in another state. I will not cheat on my husband, but this other man and I have this incredible connection. He makes me very happy. He can give me what my husband cannot. 

I worry about the kids. I'm not sure that I can reconnect with my husband and I'm also not sure that I want to. I have expended a lot of energy over the past few years to help our marriage and to help myself. He has done nothing. I'm tired of trying.

Just want some thoughts on the matter. Please do not judge me. Just some advice would be helpful.


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## 827Aug

My life is in a big mess right now, but I'll offer encouragement. First, I know how you feel about vacations with the in-laws. I used to be expected to do that also. When the children came along, it didn't take long to stop those. I finally just told my husband I thought we should just take OUR family vacations without his family. It was a lot more fun!

I think you're doing the right thing about going to counseling--with or without your husband. You should tell him when the appointment is and tell him you'd like for him to go with you. At least you'll know you left the door open. I've found counseling to be beneficial.

Next, I'm not sure it's a good time to be communicating with an old flame. It will influence decisions you need to be making now. My husband is currently communicating with old flames and new flames, and it is creating an obstacle to working on our marriage.


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## draconis

You say that you have not cheated on your husband but you have been having an emotional affair and are using the rough spot of the marriage to justify it. Take one or the other.

draconis


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## angelj

Wow, your post sure brought back a ton of bad memories from a very similar experience I went through with my wife nearly 2 years ago. In September of 2006 we had been married 15 years, had a 5 year old daughter and just purchased our first home. Two weeks after moving in she told me she didn't love me anymore. I was crushed. It seemed we finally had everything we were striving for and then she hits me with this. I guess there's never a good time to hear that your spouse no longer loves you. Anyhow, she had re-connected with a male friend from high school a few weeks before we purchased our home and she was only partially open about it. After she informed me of her love loss I found out she was talking to him 10-15 times a day while she was at work and while I was away. She was in the middle of an emotional affair and he had total influence over her. One day she love me and the next day she wanted nothing to do with me and didn't care how it made me or my daughter feel. I can't blame him for the issues causing our marital problems but I do blame him for throwing fuel on the fire and leading her away from me. Over a span of 18 months we were separated off and on. I had reached my breaking point and realized she wasn't going to give me a chance to work things out. She refused counseling and she was difficult to communicate with. She had turned into someone I didn't know. After realizing it was over I went to the book store to find a self help book that would help get me back on my feet. I browsed the section for over an hour and came accross a book titled "I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You". I skimmed a few pages and was shocked when every page described what my wife and I were going through. I bought the book, read several chapters that night and called to share it with my wife. As I explained to her our situation and why we got to this point and how we could fix it she started to open up. I eventually bought her a copy and we were well on our way to resolving our issues. She cut off communitcation with her friend, she invited me back home, we worked out our issues and we've been in love again for almost a year. I suggest you look into this book and I echo Draconis' advice of cutting off commonucation with your old BF until your marriage issues are resolved (if not forever). Your old BF is a conflict of interest and will only drive that wedge deeper into your already fragile relationship. The book will explain your feelings and give you suggestions on why you're loosing your love and how to get your husband to come around to your feelings. I too put my parents and sisters first and I confronted them on my own and took my wife's side. My dad was actually proud of me and told me my family is more important then them. If it means cutting off my parents from my family's life then he understood but thankfully it never came to that. I'll stop here because it's a long drawn out story. Get the book, it'll help.


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## lostlove42

Thank you all for your advice. The book sounds like a great book and I will pick it up tomorrow. My story is much longer than what I have told you. There are issues stemming back from the very beginning of our marriage. My husband, while a nice guy, can be very difficult and self-centered. I know I have to cut off communication with my old boyfriend in order to work on my marriage. The sad thing is that I have been working on my marriage for 12 years. My husband works on it for a couple of days, maybe a week and then things go back to normal. I'm not saying that I am perfect, in fact, I am very far from it. I'm sad that he can not find the love or the energy to work on our marriage. I know the grass is always greener on the other side. Quite frankly, I think I might be better off by myself for a while. I start counseling tomorrow. He has no interest in going with me tomorrow. Maybe he will change his mind. I doubt it, though.


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## angelj

I know how you feel. The main difference is your husband is going through the "i don't love you" stage. I'm speaking from the other perspective where it was my wife. Men and woman have different reasons for feeling this way but the book covers both. It refers to real life couples who dealt with this situation so I'm sure you'll get something out of it. It also has a chapter about moving on if things don't work out. Hopefully, like me, you won't need to read that far because things will work out for you. 

I did the counseling for myself too. It's going to help clear your mind if you have a counselor you're comfortable with. Don't hesitate to look for a new counselor if you're not feeling better after a couple sessions. I had 2-3 sessions with one counselor covered by my employer who was good. I then went to a counselor covered by my medical plan and he totally dismissed my problems so I went back to the first counselor. 

I posted some great tips on another thread that might help. I think the issue is that one or both of the people in a relationship changes so much and it leaves you feeling lost. Once my wife and I started communicating again we started going out on dates. I was out of the house living with my parents during the separation. I would stop by and pick her up, we'd have dinner and watch a movie and then I'd drop her off. We'd often flirt while on the porch and make out a little before I left. We smiled so much during those dates. I really think she missed all that. It was like we were back in high school dating again. About an hour after our date she'd call me and we'd talke for an hour or two. We'd giggle and re-live old memories. We didn't talk much about the marriage issues because we knew the dating and phone calls were helping to work things out. Soon she stopped talking to her old male friend because I gave her the attention she needed. I started listening more and stopped trying to solve her problems. We also started playing board games like Scrabble and Yahtzee and also video games. The dating and game playing was her idea to help initiate fun and excitement back into our lives. I admit, I missed who we were too and now we have that back. It all comes down to being the person your husband fell in love with and visa-versa.


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## darkhunter39

I empathize with you on this. I am in the very same position as you are although my husband is not as callous anymore when it comes to his family. I have been married for 18yrs and this will be my second time going through this with my husband. I thought we had it resolved 7 years ago but in the last year things have gone down hill for me again. I am still struggling with what to do and how to talk to my husband and tell him how I feel. You have done the first step by telling him you are not happy. If he is not willing to reconnect with you, then you may want to explore your options on moving forward without him. Be sure that you are doing it for you and not for the ex-boyfriend though.


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## guiltygirl

I'm in a similar situation...married 11 years with 2 kids. My marriage has different issues, but the bottom line to consider is your happiness. It may sound selfish, but I think everyone deserves to be happy. I also do not feel that I love my husband anymore. It doesn't seem like we make each other happy. Just as you said, I am no longer interested in trying to make things work. You just get to the point that you feel like you can't do it anymore. I also think I want to be on my own for awhile. I may not the giving you great advice for saving your marriage, but I want you to know that you are not the only one who feels this way. Good luck.


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## draconis

darkhunter39 said:


> I empathize with you on this. I am in the very same position as you are although my husband is not as callous anymore when it comes to his family. I have been married for 18yrs and this will be my second time going through this with my husband. I thought we had it resolved 7 years ago but in the last year things have gone down hill for me again. I am still struggling with what to do and how to talk to my husband and tell him how I feel. You have done the first step by telling him you are not happy. If he is not willing to reconnect with you, then you may want to explore your options on moving forward without him. Be sure that you are doing it for you and not for the ex-boyfriend though.


:iagree:

draconis


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