# My apologies to the forum



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I would like to extend my apologies to the forum. For being such a self righteous, insufferable, arrogant *******. Telling everyone how to fix their marriages and judging those who have fallen short. After my wife's return from visiting her countless friends in Socal. She has come back and told me she is completely numb and indifferent to me. She says the last 2 months have been hell for her.

Our whole married life she has basically put up a front for me. That the reason she does not want sex with me is because of her medications. She has just disclosed to me that she basically has no desire for me whatsoever. I asked her how long it has been this way . And she tells me she doesn't know. 30 years of marriage next month and I am totally at a loss. She was my world. But after this I guess I get to join the illustrious ranks of those who THOUGHT they had a good marriage.

Now looking at the last 2 months a light has shined on the situation. I have been the very thing that I have chided other people for. I have become needy and clingy. I thought I was obeying God by "cleving to my wife". When it comes out that she would rather take a clever to me. Or at least our marriage. It has been proven again that the one who is in fear of losing the others love will become the needy one. And will go to any length to retain the others fading love. Marriage counseling has pretty much been a bust. I am 50 years old in 3 months and have never really lived for or by myself. I have poured my life into my family and now it has disintegrated. I can't live a lie, I need to love and be loved. That is my security. I cannot look down the next 30 years of my life only to look back and miss the most important thing in life to me. My wife has told me that there is more to marriage then sex. I told her that all the other things like a steady paycheck, nice home, a husband who loves her dearly, are all forms of security for her. The one form of security that I require was the love, attraction and respect of my wife. Apparently that is the one form of security I am to be denied.

I will undergo back surgery on tuesday and then figure out what to do. My wife has never really been viably employable, but she has a myriad of friends and will undoubtedly get them in the divorce settlement. If I walk away debt free after selling the homes I will be alright. She can have whats left in the equity of the one home we own outright. That's what she came into the marriage with (her father had bought her a condo) and she is entitled to have that if we part. I have a good job and am a vet. So there will be another house in the works as soon as the deck has been cleared. I cannot blame her and must own the areas I have fallen short in (brow beating, condescension,isolated) I will put this on the other forums that I post on, as my pomposity knows no bounds. Any comments and mocking, will be richly deserved.


Beatings will continue until moral improves.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Initfortheduration-

For what it's worth, I see aspects of myself in aspects of you. We both like to shoot from the hip. Did you ever read my article: Sexless Marraige? It does not cover medical or hormonal issues - that has never been my field. Never the less, like me you may have been a little, shall we say, bossy...

Anyway, stay or go, the next step should be interesting for you.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

All we can do when we offer advice to other is give the best we know how from the situations we have been through. The fact you have had issues may just make you better here and more able to handle what happens next for you.

draconis


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Initfortheduration-

I'm curious to know why you posted in this part of the forum, is there another aspect to the story?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Initfortheduration, are you going to change your screen name now? How about intillshetellsmeotherwise?

Sorry bud, just trying to pry a little smile out of you.

Please except my condolences for what you are going thru. Your advise has been spot on and I'm sure you have helped a lot of people along the way. We are the ones who need to apologize to you. We are all so self absorbed in our own problems we forget everyone is on this forum for the same reason, we need help, advise, and support. Your experiences are what have made you such a good counselor to others, but those experiences have come at a heavy price to you personally. 

Are you able to look at your own marriage objectivly? After thirty years of marriage has your marriage become a habbit or is there still magic? Your wife is correct when she says there is more to marriage than sex, take the time and look at the other aspects of your marriage. Respect is the one that jumps out at me, does your wife not respect you? If she really doesn't respect you as a person it will be very hard to stay together, I think you know that. Look hard at yourself, you have told me you are a fixer (like me), you validate yourself by what you do for others, but what about yourself? Are you just use to being married or are you still REALLY in love with your wife? If you met your wife today would you fall in love with her? If yes and she said we could never have sex would you still fall in love with her? Is it the marriage and life you are in love with or the woman? 

If it comes down to sex I hate to say it but you can live without it, but if she doesn't want to have sex because she doesn't respect you then that's a problem.  It sounds like your world turns around her but she has other worlds. Both of you need to be happy with each other for the marriage to work. A thirty year marriage is certainly worth fighting for, but if she is so unhappy right now would you want to live like that for another thirty years? You know my story, I validated myself as a husband and a father, a good provider, I was scared to hell what would happen when my marriage ended. You know what, it feels pretty good to not have to be a fixer all the time.

You will survive, you will move foreward, you will laugh again, and yes, there are always people who need things fixed. Right now be objective about your marriage and do what is best for both of you, you will fix yourself in the end.

Stay in touch,
Cooper


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Thanks for the words of encouragement everyone. And of course the lame attempt at humor coop.LOL

I do revolve around her. I tell her I love her half a dozen times a day. I would call her all the time. She's my best friend. My world. I encourage her when shes down on herself. But I also drive her up the frigging wall. She does not want to be my focus. And I can be obsessive. I listen to the women through out the forums who beg for attention from their husbands. Who long for hugs and kisses. I have always felt like an interruption to her. I guess what it comes down to, is she has her needs met and that satisfies her. But what about me? All I want is her love and respect. Pity party. Its a pathetic existence. LOL


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I wish I had the right words to tell you how to fix things but I think I am to much like you. We built our lives around our wives, around our marriages, but the wives didn't do the same. It's what we wanted, but not what they wanted. You can't force her to be anything but what she is, trying only causes resentment and hurt feelings to both of you. 

It will take a desire by both of you to save your marriage, but you made it sound as if she is done trying. If thats where things are I am very sorry for you, BUT, you can move on. You can not make her be happy, but you can find happiness for yourself again. You may be surprised at how the friends pan out, my wife lived for her friends, yet many of them have gone above and beyond trying to keep me in their lives. 

You have a tough road in front of you but we are riding with you, keep us close and we will help as we can, as you have helped us.

Cooper


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

You are the one I look forward to in a reply to my problems. You are very good and clear with advice. NOW its time to give that to yourself. I know how hard that is expecially when you are in it. YOu cant think right and you are a mess and all that you know is turned upside down and falling apart. we all know that feeling all to well I think in here. I am sorry to hear what you are going through I am truely. I know you will figure out a way to talk about things and keep on that track its amazing what you will do for love.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Actually I think what you are feeling is normal something we can all identify with. Your world came crashing down and now you doubt everything about yourself. Take away what you can learn to make your next relationship successful if there is a parting. But do not berate yourself for it. You can't change the past you can only affect the future. So use this so that you aren't looking back 5 years...10 years saying I shouldda...

As for being needy and clingy...well its a fine line. One partner in a relationship CAN affect change. I can tell you this first hand. I heard that from Mort Fertel and I put in to practice what he talked about and prayed a lot...and came to this forum for support. As I look back there were times where I was needy, and clingy. I have even told him now that I am proud of the person I have grown in to, there are situations I look back at and I am embarrassed by. His answer was something that has touched me and I will always remember, it was probably the catalyst of why I allowed him back he said "I have never stopped loving you, I just forgot how for awhile. But what makes me love you, is how much you love me and your actions showed me that." 

Now everyone has a breaking point and discovering the affair gave me the strength and courage to say enough is enough. That's when reality set in for him. In our case our relationship is succeeding but if it hadn't I know that I gained something very valuable here. I learned that I am worth being loved, respected, and treated well. I always gave that unconditionally in return. I also know I can make it on my own if I had to. 

I am sorry to hear about your situation but I hope you will look at it to gain some insight and grow stronger rather than let it destroy you. In the end that is YOUR choice and no one else's.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Initfortheduration said:


> I do revolve around her.


Me again... this stuck out to me. If this is really true, where is the man she fell in love with. He now has no identity. She doesn't want to be your sole source of life. Maybe you exaggerated but if not this could be the issue. While its wonderful to be involved with each other and put your partner first, if you completely revolve around her this could be a major factor in your problems. 

Today start focusing on you. What have you always wanted to do? Do it (with in reason here  ) What would you fix about yourself, then do it! And now come up with something totally unique outside the box that you never thought of doing and do it. Become YOU again. Or you have nothing to give her or anyone else. 

You will have more to give her if you do this. Yes, its great to have hobbies and interests and spend plenty of time together. In fact in order for a relationship to succeed you need to nurture it. But don't lose your identity.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Hey Initfortheduration, Cooper here. 

I just wanted to say hi and see how you are doing. I know things may be rough emotionally right now but we are still here if you need us. Check in and maybe someone has some little snippet of advise that will help you feel a little better. Breath in, breath out, put one foot in front of the other. (Yea, I stole it from some country song)

Cooper


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

We're gonna try a sex therapist counselor. A woman so my wife won't feel as uncomfortable talking to her. It would be nice to hear another woman's perspective.


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## onlylonelyone (Jan 26, 2009)

Well, if she is agreeing to go to sex therapy it doesn't sound like she is going anywhere without you anytime soon :smthumbup:
If that were the "only" problem in my marriage I would go to sex therapy with my husband with no hesitation. I am just guessing that isn't the only problem in which case I think couple counseling, or counseling seperately would have to come way before the sex therapist. 
I am one of those women on here that feels somewhat neglected so yes I would certainly appreciate a man that showed me a bit more affection. I can also honestly say there is such a thing as too much affection. Where it seems more needy, and not so attractive.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

affection is not our problem. Sex either. Its only that she NEVER acts like she wants it. Its like she could wait forever for it. We have it at least 3 times a week. With fringe benefits between for me. It's just always me coming to her. It really makes me feel undesirable. We are 3 months from an empty nest. And I told her things have to change. Her pleasure is my highest priority in sex. But if its always reactive and never proactive on her part, things get out of balance. I start being needy and I hate that.


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## onlylonelyone (Jan 26, 2009)

Well, I can certainly understand where your coming from. My husband could go forever it seems as well. It does make you feel unattractive and unwanted. I also know work, the economy, etc... has put my husband into a mode where all that matters right now is keeping our business going. I go with the feeling sex is free, lol. It relieves stress, gives you pleasure, etc...Some people just can't get into it when other things are bothering them. Initiating isn't something they are even thinking about. Once you are an empty nester you might find her initiating sex. Also expect her to struggle without any kids in the home. That is a very freeing time but also a very hard time for a Mom and Dad. Eventually she will love the time alone, nothing holding her back. She can come and go, do anything she wants in the house anywhere, lol....She will learn to appreciate it and all the hard work she put into raising the kids and feel deserving of it all. I am sure this will be an exciting turn for both of you in your marriage :smthumbup:


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Sorry to here about your business. But thank you for your post. I hope you are right. It makes me happy just thinking about it.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Intimacy doesn't always need to end in sex. How does she react if you stop and give her a hug or put your hand on her back as your walking? Is she receptive or does she tense up? 

Try a little experiment, get her use to being touched without it ending in sex. Get her to the point that she is relaxed and receptive when you touch her and she may come to want to make love with you. Touch her gently ever time you pass, sit her down in front of the couch and as you watch TV and brush her hair or massage her shoulders, as you lay in bed at night let her fall asleep as you hold her or run your fingers up and down her arm or back. Help her take a bath or even take a shower together and wash her hair or very gently wash her body (no groping!). Thank her for making dinner, for going shopping, for raising good kids, for getting married. 

Don't try and do all this in one day or you will smother her, take a week or even two weeks and slowly let her get use to your hands on her and it not ending in sex. This may drive you nuts but you will survive! And if she says something like OK fine I suppose I need to give you sex now tell her she doesn't, hold her and kiss her and tell her this is enough for right now.

Many years ago when my marriage was still good and we had disconnected because of kids, work, bills and life in general I did all those things for my wife. It took several weeks but it did work, when we finally made love again she cried as I held her and begged me never to give up on her. Those were good days indeed.

Cooper


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