# Is jealousy a red flag?



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Time and again, I've read stories where the cheating spouse was extremely jealous that his/her spouse might cheat on him/her almost to the point of paranoia. I experienced this with my ex-wife even before we got married.

Is jealousy a huge red flag that a person may be more likely to cheat?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

With the one person who cheated on me (a fiance in college and when i went away to school he got ALLL jealous over me hanging out with friends ....turns out he was phucking my best friend!)...I'd say YES! It's a big red flag when they call 24/7 asking who, what, where, when and why i was out.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I don't think so.

Jealousy is a very basic human emotion -- some of us seem more susceptible to it than others, for varying reasons. (I think in my case it's because I grew up in a home where love was a zero-sum game.)

Anyway, there are all kinds of reasons someone may be feeling jealous, and the one you've pointed to is only one of those.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I think it's projection, deep down they have some guilt about what they're doing, they're imagining their BS is doing the same thing so they can rationalize their affair.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Well, I hope not b/c I am and have always been somewhat jealous. Moreso now I must admit. So I dont think jealousy means a person is a cheater. Im not a cheater. My WH is suddenly jealous way more than he used to be before his EA. I think it comes from realizing A) just how easily it happens B) knowing that they have put themselves in a position of being 'damaged goods' in your eyes. So now they fear what they created.

I think youre asking about sudden jealousy maybe???


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I've always had the theory: If someone is overy jealous, it is because of how they (themselves) would act if put in the same scenerio that you are. They figure, "well I would" "I bet you would too"


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

that_girl said:


> With the one person who cheated on me (a fiance in college and when i went away to school he got ALLL jealous over me hanging out with friends ....turns out he was phucking my best friend!)...I'd say YES! It's a big red flag when they call 24/7 asking who, what, where, when and why i was out.


And yes, if its THIS extreme then it could be a sign of projection. IMO. But basic jealousy is a normal human emotion and not a bad one if kept in check.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mori, my ex was INSANELY jealous and he did cheat. I always thought that was so strange, too. Because he would go on and on about how he'd never and how cheaters were the scum of the earth and how he'd rather us divorce first before doing anything like cheating. So, well...

I think any extreme jealousy IS a red flag in a relationship (especially if it's the point of being accusatory or telling you you cannot go somewhere, keeping you from friends/family). That doesn't mean someone will cheat but I think it definitely has a detrimental effect on a relationship. It's no walk in the park if your partner is highly jealous.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> I think you're asking about sudden jealousy maybe???


No, I'm asking about extreme jealousy prior to an affair - like that_girl described - on the part of the future cheating spouse.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I would not say it is a definitive sign that they are going to cheat or cheating. 
Some abusive, controlling types are extremely jealous and paranoid that their SO will cheat. The same can be said for people who have been cheated on, they just believe it is going to happen to them and are extremely insecure . So red flag? Might be but not just for cheating. At least that is my perspective on it.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I would say if a person is normally not jealous or it`s never been an issue and all of a sudden they`re nutso about your every move and contact then yes, it`s a red flag.

Jealousy has many reasons for existing.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

morituri said:


> No, I'm asking about extreme jealousy prior to an affair - like that_girl described - on the part of the future cheating spouse.



Oh in that case it would be projection for sure.


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## Good Dog (Mar 28, 2012)

morituri said:


> Time and again, I've read stories where the cheating spouse was extremely jealous that his/her spouse might cheat on him/her almost to the point of paranoia. I experienced this with my ex-wife even before we got married.
> 
> Is jealousy a huge red flag that a person may be more likely to cheat?


I think it can be if it comes out of nowhere. My wife was always been extremely jealous of me and other women, though I did nothing to warrant that. But when she had her EA, she said it was something we'd agreed was okay (she denied the EA for a long time and said that it was just a "flirtation that got out of hand" or something). She claimed we'd agreed that flirting and more was alright though she only claimed this after getting caught. Even when we were just dating back in college, she had this obsession with me messing around with women I'd dated in the past, while she was the one who thought that a guy was entitled to a lot on the first date I found out. What really gets me is that she makes no apologies for it and says a double standard is fine, now that I've basically proven she has one. I think some jealousy is normal and more can be normal if it's in response to something real. But jealousy out of nowhere was a red flag for me in terms of my wife looking back on it.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

morituri said:


> No, I'm asking about extreme jealousy prior to an affair - like that_girl described - on the part of the future cheating spouse.


Oh i dont know. My fWH wasnt jealous at all really and he was doing things he would HATE if I did. NOW, after the A, he is more jealous. More insecure I'd say b/c he worries that he put himself in a position of possibly being less desireable to me. He does keep his jealousy reigned in but it definately arrived AFTER dday. Like I said b/c he realizes just how easily someone can slip into a relationship with someone outside the marriage. In other words-he fears being in my shoes in the future. He understands the mess he has made and worries that it lessens my committment to him. That someone else will come along and be less painful to me. Make sense?

But he was RARELY ever jealous before the A. VERY rarely. I was the jealous one. i still am but its different for me now. I know I cant prevent his straying try as I might, if he's gonna, he's gonna. Doesnt mean the jealousy isnt there anymore(in fact Im more jealous I just hide it from him more b/c showing it didnt prevent a damned thing-so whats the point?)


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Kurosity said:


> I would not say it is a definitive sign that they are going to cheat or cheating.
> Some abusive, controlling types are extremely jealous and paranoid that their SO will cheat. *The same can be said for people who have been cheated on, they just believe it is going to happen to them and are extremely insecure.* So red flag? Might be but not just for cheating. At least that is my perspective on it.


While cases do exist where a betrayed spouse in a previous marriage becomes the cheating spouse in the next marriage, I suspect that they may not be as prevalent.

Nevertheless the "phenomenon" of a future cheating spouse being insanely jealous (as Jelly describes it) does happen often enough that I would consider it a huge red flag of a very serious issue with the jealous partner and that unless it is addressed and resolved, it would be prudent to start emotionally detaching from that partner.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

morituri said:


> Time and again, I've read stories where the cheating spouse was extremely jealous that his/her spouse might cheat on him/her almost to the point of paranoia. I experienced this with my ex-wife even before we got married.
> 
> Is jealousy a huge red flag that a person may be more likely to cheat?


I'm starting to wonder that myself.

My WW always used the "once a cheater, always a cheater" line 
on me when we first got together. She had been cheated on by her old BF and 
was always accusing me of looking elsewhere.
She had nothing to worry about. Heck, one of those times was
when I had planned out our wedding in advance (without her knowledge) 
and was hiding her wedding ring. 

She picked up on the fact that I was hiding "something", but just assumed I was cheating.

Only to find out a month ago that she's been pornin' it up 
with some wanna-be hard ass d-bag.

Go figure.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I deemed this issue serious enough that I conveyed it strongly to my children. They are aware of my ex-wife's betrayal so the last thing I want is for them is to go through the emotional upheaval that all of us here have experienced. I hope that they always keep it in the back of their minds, and use that knowledge for their own well being.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

morituri said:


> No, I'm asking about extreme jealousy prior to an affair - like that_girl described - on the part of the future cheating spouse.


Unless such extreme jealousy could be a sign of some mental health issues that might mean someone is potentially liable to cheat?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Even in absence of previous infidelity (specially on the recived end) extreme jealousy sometimes shows previous abandonement issues which, I've been witness of this, can develope the opposite behavior, becoming a cheater in order to anticipate being chetaed on and abandoned. A self-fulfilling prophecy.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

My H was never jealous and he cheated. I'd heard the association between jealousy and cheating and thought I was safe. Silly me.

Ironically, I have always been more jealous than my H and I didn't commit adultery.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Quite true, Zanna...while it may be occasionally related, it's not always a sign.

The old correlation not equal to causation thing.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Zanna said:


> My H was never jealous and he cheated. I'd heard the association between jealousy and cheating and thought I was safe. Silly me.
> 
> Ironically, I have always been more jealous than my H and I didn't commit adultery.


 I too am more jealous then my spouse and I have never cheated. But he did become a bit more "aware" of my life after his ONS before I was told of it. Kind of funny now that I think about it. He never cared much about my pals at work or what we talked about. But before he told me of his ONS he did take interest and showed up at work a few times. He had to have been checking up on me. huh.....lol hope he went crazy in his head because he made me insane once the truth came out.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

I don't think that jealousy is a red flag indicating that cheating could follow. I do think that jealousy is a red flag saying "there's a disconnect here!" and that when there are cracks, disconnects, and breakdowns, all kinds of trouble can eventually follow (such as affairs, abuse, conflict, estrangement), if something isn't done to resolve the issue.


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## DaKarmaTrain! (May 17, 2012)

dormant said:


> I've always had the theory: If someone is overy jealous, it is because of how they (themselves) would act if put in the same scenerio that you are. They figure, "well I would" "I bet you would too"


:iagree:

Bang on in my situation. Always had to tip-toe around the issue of other women in my life with my ex (never ONCE gave her a reason to suspect I was cheating/put myself in a compromising position to cheat etc).

November 2010 I received a joke email from a female coworker. I thought it was hilarious, and forwarded it onto my wife. When I got home that night I asked her to check her email and read it. She started to, but then saw the name of the woman who forwarded it to me...began drilling me about her with 'who is she/why is she sending you this stuff. She didn't even read it as she was mad. And this was the type of jealousy I dealt with my entire marriage.

And the ironic part of this story??? She went out later that night with one of her 'platonic' guy friends who was destroying our marriage!!!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Any of you ever read Othello?


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## Good Dog (Mar 28, 2012)

dormant said:


> I've always had the theory: If someone is overy jealous, it is because of how they (themselves) would act if put in the same scenerio that you are. They figure, "well I would" "I bet you would too"


Yeah, this kind of thing really bothers me to think about. But it explains a lot.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Before I discovered my ex-wife's affair, I did not take her extreme jealousy seriously enough because she almost always apologized to me and would be very loving to me, that is of course until the next time another bout came over her.


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## DaKarmaTrain! (May 17, 2012)

morituri said:


> Before I discovered my ex-wife's affair, I did not take her extreme jealousy seriously enough because she almost always apologized to me and would be very loving to me, that is of course until the next time another bout came over her.


Yup...I know the drill...that was the same here.


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

My experience hasn't been similar! In the beginning of our marriage it was my wife who was the jealous one. Even to the point of seriously considering going off birth control so she would get prego thinking that would draw me closer to her. She's never cheated...that I know of. For the last two years it has been me who is the crazy jealous one. I haven't cheated in 15 years of marriage! In fact, it feels like the more "into her" I am getting physically and emotionally, the more jealous I am getting. I've cooled it off somewhat since we have set some firm boundaries, but that side of my personality is always simmering underneath. I always a little jealous, but nothing too serious. There is just something about FB that set me off!


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## Rmommy22 (Jan 17, 2012)

I don't think it is an abo****e indicator, but in my experience my WH was always jealous. During the A he had started having 'dreams' again that I was cheating and he kept questioning me. So now I will see this behavior linked, although I really shouldn't make it an end all assumption.


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## ralk (Jun 1, 2012)

if my husband praises other women etc., I get a little jealous, but this could be because I want to be the center of his world and dont want any one else stealing his attention..I don't think jealousy means the other person is cheating, although it could be possible in some cases...I think it is normal to feel jealous sometimes as you are in control and know your reason for feeling it...


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