# Opinions on Outing Wife's Affair to Family, Friends



## br1an (Jun 24, 2012)

Wife of 21yrs, 4 kids, started a phone/texting affair with guy she met at regional night club, saw him twice. Upon discovery, not much remorse, wanted to explore relationship with him, got us into counseling, 2 visits, she refuses to go back. 

Asked me to move out the last Tuesday, I refused, said it's on her to end this thing if she wants to - and she's free to leave any time. She's been talking to her friends, supposedly they're trying to cheer her up, and traveled the day before Father's Day to see her sister and brother in law. 

It's been really bugging me that her friends are most likely supporting her decision to end "us" w/o so much as a discussion with me, working through our issues, etc. 

Situation is complicated as I researched, and did some prying that the other guys learned about - so he broke it off with her. I know from phone and text records since that this is the case. And I have access to her email, Facebook, etc. Unless she's using someone else's phone, but she's been distant/grieving ever since I caused it to end. Won't admit it, but doing it all the same. 

I called her sister this morning, and all she knew about the situation was that my wife is unhappy, has been for some time, and just wants to end it. I told her I was sorry for calling, but the next time she talked to wife, ask her about Chris from the town where they met. She had no idea about him at all. 

I apologized for the call - again - and told her that I'm hoping that at least one person my wife talks to will caution her about her actions, and wanting suddenly - to me at least - to just leave our marriage of 21yrs, and put our 4 kids through this w/o so much as any counseling or us even talking about it at all. 

I'm tempted to confront the other guy, or even his family - as supposedly he is divorced (they "grew apart") but I've pointed out to the wife that guys at a night club, meeting up with lonely/sad women, can say and do anything to get a little action on the side. I have my suspicions that he is still married, or their divorce (if it's happening at all) isn't finalized - and I sort of feel that this guy is f*ing with my life, I'm going f* with his right back.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Most of the guys here will tell you to go for exposure.

I think it makes you look petty and hurts your karma besides.

Go on with your own life, don't mess with other people's.

But I'm in the minority, so that's all I'll say.

Good luck whatever you choose.


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## br1an (Jun 24, 2012)

Minor update.. Wife texted me this morning, asking if I was going to call her mother next, trying to "fix her". Told her I wasn't trying to fix her, just trying to get someone in her circle of friends/family to know the whole story, and urge some caution on her part in ending our marriage and plunging our kids into this. 

It's been just 5 weeks since Discovery, and 3 weeks since OM ended it - and I've tried to make her see that as raw as we both are, is NOW the time to make the kind of decision she's suggesting - that I move out (not bloody likely) and that we separate/divorce. 

She said "once again" I've made her upset and mad before work - I told her that's my world, pretty much 24/7 these days. She suggested that we talk later.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

"She said "once again" I've made her upset and mad before work - I told her that's my world, pretty much 24/7 these days. She suggested that we talk later."

LOL. Go Brian!


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## br1an (Jun 24, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Most of the guys here will tell you to go for exposure.
> 
> I think it makes you look petty and hurts your karma besides.
> 
> ...


It actually felt petty doing it, but I'm glad I took the plunge. Two of the friends here in town were actually ON these trips with her, and I'm pretty sure that they each tell their husbands that they are going to the "outlet malls" to shop when they go on these trips. I was the only husband stupid enough to trust my wife, to go out dancing, etc. and not hook up with someone.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

I didn't expose for a long time. 

It was a mistake. Numerous people on another board insisted that I expose her, I did not want to because I did not want to hurt her husband. 

I only exposed her after she continued contacting my STBEH and also started spreading rumors and making trouble for me and stalking me. 

My STBEH is not now seeing her and wants nothing to do with her, but had I exposed her earlier, she wouldn't have been able to make trouble for me. 

In the end by trying to cause me trouble she screwed herself, but I would have saved myself a lot of grief had I exposed immediately. 

Don't hit the OM, though, you can be charged with assault, just expose that will do more damage than a punch.


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## br1an (Jun 24, 2012)

lamaga said:


> "She said "once again" I've made her upset and mad before work - I told her that's my world, pretty much 24/7 these days. She suggested that we talk later."
> 
> LOL. Go Brian!


Believe me, I've been trying to do the 180, but I'm preparing for the worst. In her fantasy world (not the A fantasy, but the fantasy where she asks me to leave - and she and the kids have a "summer w/o Dad") she thinks that if we approach the kids "as adults" they'll follow our lead on how things play out. 

I've told her that if we move to divorce, it's going to be very clear to the kids WHO wants it - I won't ever tell them about the A, but I think they're smart enough to figure it out eventually. 

I will not in any way shape or form lie to them, or allow her to lie to them, about WHO wants to end this. 

I realize that at some point * I* might need to file, to jolt her back to reality - but I'll only do so if she continues to make no move toward counseling or talking about anything with me.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Most of the guys here will tell you to go for exposure.
> 
> I think it makes you look petty and hurts your karma besides.
> 
> ...



The bold above does not make sense. That other person is already in his life. That person fvcked with br1am's life. I dont know how much more evil that could be.

I say expose away to the OM's family and friends. Expose away to your family and her's.

If you still feel like reconcilation later, the choice is yours. If you think you can live with a woman who's willing to throw her kids and you away for another man, with a woman you can no longer trust, with a woman who does not value the marriage, then the choice is yours.


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## br1an (Jun 24, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> Don't hit the OM, though, you can be charged with assault, just expose that will do more damage than a punch.


No intention to hit the OM, wasn't aware I had implied that, but it would be oh so sweet to make him acquainted with the business end of a hammer, or a 2x4 studded with some nails.. Ah sweet fantasies! (I kid of course.)

If she pushes this through to S then D, without so much as any more counseling, etc. I'm going scorched earth on him, and will do whatever I can to expose him to his family, friends and town.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

My mistake was not exposing that caused us some problems. It sounds like you would like to stay in the marriage but more inportant you have kids. If your wife gets mad let her and your reasons are that you are protecting the kids and yourself.

You have know idea who this pos is and what he really is about. My first advice is to stay cool and see a Dr right away and get checked out for STD's and take care of yourself.

Yes tell her mom, tell the husbands of the other wives what happend with our wife. get it done and do it fast.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

br1an said:


> It actually felt petty doing it, but I'm glad I took the plunge. Two of the friends here in town were actually ON these trips with her, and I'm pretty sure that they each tell their husbands that they are going to the "outlet malls" to shop when they go on these trips. I was the only husband stupid enough to trust my wife, to go out dancing, etc. and not hook up with someone.


I hear ya.

My STBEH went on guy trips and boy's nights out. My friends would chastise me about giving him so much freedom. Even my brothers chastised me. 

Also the STBEH's Other woman was also allowed to go on girl's nights out and girls only vacations. 

She was cheating all along. 

Both she and my sTBEH used those nights and trips to meet up and cheat.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

br1an said:


> It actually felt petty doing it, but I'm glad I took the plunge. Two of the friends here in town were actually ON these trips with her, and I'm pretty sure that they each tell their husbands that they are going to the "outlet malls" to shop when they go on these trips. I was the only husband stupid enough to trust my wife, to go out dancing, etc. and not hook up with someone.


Don't listen to anyone who tells you NOT to expose, those come from those who've *NEVER been thru marital infidelity* before, so they don't know what they hell they're talking about.

If she won't end it or recommit to the marriage 100%, then you expose the affair to friends and family. Like you said, she's been demonizing you to friends and family so she can justify leaving you....except that she left out a major detail, because she's been having an affair.

So she met OM at a bar and banged him? What you need to do is investigate if the OM is married. Don't believe a word of what your WW says about the OM, she will do anything to protect her affair partner (they almost always do). If he's married or has a girlfriend, then expose the affair to the Other Man's Wife (OMW or OMGF). But remember first, that you need proof, so if you have solid evidence, then bring it to the OMW/OMGF.

Remember this: Exposure is NOT petty or vindictive. It's the *RIGHT* thing to do, don't let the cheater apologists tell you otherwise. 

But now you've learned a hard lesson about these Girls Nights Out (GNOs) to nightclubs...they're a death sentence to any marriage.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

br1an said:


> No intention to hit the OM, wasn't aware I had implied that, but it would be oh so sweet to make him acquainted with the business end of a hammer, or a 2x4 studded with some nails.. Ah sweet fantasies! (I kid of course.)
> 
> If she pushes this through to S then D, without so much as any more counseling, etc. I'm going scorched earth on him, and will do whatever I can to expose him to his family, friends and town.


I have had similar fantasy's both toward the OW and my STBEH. 

It is just a fantasy though and I think such fantasies are normal after such a traumatic betrayal.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

IMO exposure serves a triple role. One it will most likely cause the OM social circle,wife, and/or parents to get the OM to back off. Most OM are in the fog too. The second purpose it serves it to stress the relation ship b/w OM and WW. They were having happy carefree relationship that seems perfect. Then suddenly WW and OM have issues to deal with that they weren't expecting. 
The third is to give the BS some dignity back. As long as the OM is involved with BS, the OM is in the middle of BS life. So OM is fair game until he gets out of BS life.

remember all is fair in love and war. If someone comes after my wife again it will be war.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

My take is that you need to be open and honest with people about why you're separating but going out on a publicity campaign will likely backfire. I suspect you'll also be surprised how few people really take sides based on any kind of perceived fault. Many will refuse to take sides at all and the rest will likely base it on which of you they are closest too.


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## thrway214 (Feb 24, 2012)

br1an said:


> I was the only husband stupid enough to trust my wife, to go out dancing, etc. and not hook up with someone.


I have several thoughts:


First, it isn't your fault that you trusted her. 
Second, exposing to more people depends on whether the A is still on. If it isn't and she is in withdrawal, give it time. If you aren't sure, can't be sure, and feel like there is a chance he contacts again, do it. The idea behind exposure is to make the A inconvenient. It carries some cost though. The more people know, the harder it is for her to recover quickly. 
Finally, focus on yourself. If you do continue to want R, you will need to find the strength to help your W out of this. You will need to learn to listen and control anger. There is a lot of good material on what you will need to do to. Read it all. 
Good luck. You didn't deserve this. People we love will sometimes hurt us in unimaginable ways. Only we control our happiness - not them.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Don't listen to anyone who tells you NOT to expose, those come from those who've *NEVER been thru marital infidelity* before, so they don't know what they hell they're talking about.


Once again, Lord Mayhem, stop telling me about my own life.

Good people can disagree on things.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Once again, Lord Mayhem, stop telling me about my own life.


I could care less about your life, and you can tell others what you want to, but I will tell those people not to listen to those with no experience in this matter.



lamaga said:


> Good people can disagree on things.


That's exactly what I'm doing.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Brian---you can expose---that is fine---but

What YOU really have to decide here, is what do YOU really want from all of this---and what is YOUR life really gonna be like, when the dust settles

Is it really best for your kids, if you and your wife, are gonna spend the rest of your lives, fighting, or if nothing better in a basically hostile situation

If she wants out---let her go---you cannot impose your will on her------that situation, will not work for anyone

The 2 of you had better have some very serious FACE TO FACE TALKS, AND FIGURE THIS ALL OUT

If she does stay, in a situation she doesn't really wanna be in---she will cheat again, but next time she will take it way underground, and you WILL NOT KNOW

Once again---what do your really want for the rest of your life, and please do not use the kids as a reason to stay.


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## br1an (Jun 24, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> I have had similar fantasy's both toward the OW and my STBEH.
> 
> It is just a fantasy though and I think such fantasies are normal after such a traumatic betrayal.


I agree... It's a traumatic experience, especially as she's never really expressed much remorse, just telling me the "truth" that she doesn't really want to work things out. 

I tell her, that I'd like to be as good a friend to her throughout all this, and understanding - we started out as best friends a long time ago - but I haven't pointed out to her - yet - that she's done things to me, our family, that I wouldn't do to an enemy, much less a friend, and much less our family.


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## br1an (Jun 24, 2012)

grenville said:


> My take is that you need to be open and honest with people about why you're separating but going out on a publicity campaign will likely backfire. I suspect you'll also be surprised how few people really take sides based on any kind of perceived fault. Many will refuse to take sides at all and the rest will likely base it on which of you they are closest too.


I'm not looking to go scorched earth locally.. the OM guy lives around 3 hrs away.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Listen OP, you expose this A and you come down hard on her and trust me, she will either thank you later or you'll be much better off knowing that you did what you did


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

br1an, I chose to hold off on exposing to the OW's boyfriend, partly because I hadn't found this board til over a month after DDay and because I didn't know their address until a few weeks ago. After coming to the board, I wrote a letter to the boyfriend, saved to my computer "just in case" OW chose to break NC. An insurance policy, if you will. Well, she broke NC, and I fired off the letter. The second link in my signature talks about what happened in that situation. My advice? Tell that bastard's wife (or ex-wife?) about the BS he is pulling. She deserves to know, if she doesn't already, what kind of snake he is.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I told my friends and family as I needed their support. Didn't expose to Hs elderly father. Hr lives alone 400 miles away so didn't think he needed the upset.
after 6 months of the A being on and off OWH exposed to their work colleagues. Blew the thing wide open. My H was asking to come home less than 3 weeks later.
Exposure and the 180 helped to end the A. No amount of rhyme or reason from me or anyone else would have done it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

Ps OWH exposed the A to me. I wouldn't have known anything otherwise!


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> *I told my friends and family as I needed their support.* Didn't expose to Hs elderly father. Hr lives alone 400 miles away so didn't think he needed the upset.
> after 6 months of the A being on and off OWH exposed to their work colleagues. Blew the thing wide open. My H was asking to come home less than 3 weeks later.
> Exposure and the 180 helped to end the A. No amount of rhyme or reason from me or anyone else would have done it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> ...


I exposed to my family, about BOTH his EA AND mine. I had badmouthed my husband to my family during my EA and told them that all I had said, while it may have been technically true at the time, was all due to my clouded judgement (the fog) during the EA. And, that I was no longer going to be talking about my husband in that manner, and not going to allow THEM to badmouth him, as he IS my husband. We both succumbed to this fog, we both screwed up, we both are working on our marriage. I came clean to them, to make myself accountable for MY actions.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

OP, lamaga offers you another alternative only because it exists 
Doesn't necessarily mean that its the best.

And rugsweeping an affair is only going to make it look like you're okay with it. 

I've said this already but turning the lights on is going to make the c0ckroaches scurry for cover(Rugsweeping) , but turning the lights on and beating them down with one of your boots is going to squash em permanently (aka Exposing)

Affairs thrive in secrecy, its a part of the fantasy because its forbidden and because its not a real relationship. Once exposed it has nowhere to go and dies a natural death on its own


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

If your intention with exposure is vindictive then I understand why some people feel it's wrong.

But exposure to save your marriage and family is not about vindication.

My H's A was over by D-day but he admits that exposure would have killed the A at any point in the game. He said looking back, he was not thinking clearly and was rationalizing his poor behaviour, but exposure would have snapped him back to reality because he would have had to face the ugliness of a relationship built on lies and deceit a lot sooner. 

Affairs thrive on secrecy. Most people, if they have any conscience, do not want to be known as adulterers. If I had found out about my H's A before it was over, it would have been a hard decision and I would have agonized over it, but I would have exposed. Far too many people neglect to expose and regret it horribly.


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## thrway214 (Feb 24, 2012)

Zanna said:


> If your intention with exposure is vindictive then I understand why some people feel it's wrong.
> 
> But exposure to save your marriage and family is not about vindication.


This. :iagree:

Be selective about exposing to family - these are lifelong relationships. Exposing to OM's spouse - DO IT YESTERDAY! 

I will fall back on my own story - I balked on exposing to OMW for weeks. All the advice on these boards was pitted against my wife's threat to leave me. For the first ten days, she was in NC, but continued to call her A a "nurturing friendship, mentoring". I finally said - to hell with it. Either this saves my marriage or I get to say I did the right thing. 

Well, the minute my W heard about me telling OMW, she broke NC and called OM. She spent the next three days coaching OM through his fallout and negotiating with me not to expose certain further details. Finally, the OM threatened to eff up my life if I did anything further. That finally woke her up. She is in total NC now, I have full access to all her devices, emails etc. She went into withdrawal - finally getting her head out of her behind, and thanked me for it. 

She still calls it a "b1tch move". I tell her she is free to thank me anytime.


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## br1an (Jun 24, 2012)

thrway214 said:


> This. :iagree:
> 
> Be selective about exposing to family - these are lifelong relationships. Exposing to OM's spouse - DO IT YESTERDAY!
> 
> ...


Doing some more research.. I think I've just found a home phone and name for this guy's wife (supposed ex-wife, but I have my doubts). 

I am dying to call... and find out if he is in fact divorced.. thoughts?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Most of the guys here will tell you to go for exposure.
> 
> I think it makes you look petty and hurts your karma besides.
> 
> ...


lamaga strikes again


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> lamaga strikes again


Mary Mary quite contrary


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

br1an said:


> Doing some more research.. I think I've just found a home phone and name for this guy's wife (supposed ex-wife, but I have my doubts).
> 
> I am dying to call... and find out if he is in fact divorced.. thoughts?


Go ahead anyway. You never know the equation between them. Do it respectfully(that you aren't of the situation between then and so on...)


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> lamaga strikes again


Well, as a woman, I disagree with her... I agree with exposure.

Br1an, not sure about calling. Any other way to verify that it IS her number? And, if so, got an address? Send a certified letter with all you know.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

br1an said:


> Doing some more research.. I think I've just found a home phone and name for this guy's wife (supposed ex-wife, but I have my doubts).
> 
> I am dying to call... and find out if he is in fact divorced.. thoughts?


Get your proof first, something the OM can't deny or gaslight his wife/girlfriend with. I know it's hard to be patient, but you have to be.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

br1an said:


> Doing some more research.. I think I've just found a home phone and name for this guy's wife (supposed ex-wife, but I have my doubts).
> 
> I am dying to call... and find out if he is in fact divorced.. thoughts?


It's worth a shot.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Hey, you're welcome to disagree with me. All of you.

What you are not welcome to do is to imply that you know about my life because of my comments, which is what I called out Lord Mayhem for. 

People disagree. That is what makes a robust forum. When the mods agree that I am not contributing content of value, I'm sure they will block me. Until then, you'll just have to put up with a dissenting voice. Trust me, you'll cope.


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## thrway214 (Feb 24, 2012)

OP: This isn't an all-inclusive list - but make sure you have facts and proof, which you can share. Also, DO NOT talk to your wife before you expose to OMW/OMEx. Keep it to the facts, don't speculate or make judgmental statements. BE EMPATHETIC - this is a very traumatic conversation to them. Don't expect a long conversation - it will likely be short. Give her your number in case she wants to call you. Answer her questions, again, with facts. If you go the written route, make sure it is certified and signature-required. 

You are not messing with OMW's life - her H is. She deserves to know. And remember, this is the best thing you can do for your marriage or for yourself at the least. 

Go forth. Act.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

lamaga said:


> What you are not welcome to do is to imply that you know about my life because of my comments, which is what I called out Lord Mayhem for.


I will continue to disagree with bad advice from people who have no experience in the matter. Now, if you want to tell people I'm giving bad advice about military/law enforcement matters, then feel free to.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

thrway214 said:


> *She still calls it a "b1tch move"*. I tell her she is free to thank me anytime.


:redcard: Red Flag :redcard:

This statement doesn't sound very remorseful to me.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

The main problem I see here is WW seems checked out. So even if you kill THIS affair usign every weapon at hand you still have a checked out wife who seems to think marriage run it's curse nas feels ready to explore outhere.
Anyway you won't ever now the chances to rebuilt this if you don't kill the affair ASAP.
I'd use every trick in the bag to appear different, confident, ready to move on and start dating yesterday if she didn't start coming around. 180. Become the man you'd like to be, dress sharp, get in shape, don't ever tell what are you going to do. Don't be angry, ever, furthermore be cool and polite, never react. Lawyer up to find out your rights...
The whole nine yards.


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## thrway214 (Feb 24, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> :redcard: Red Flag :redcard:
> 
> This statement doesn't sound very remorseful to me.


Fair enough. She doesn't imply that I was wrong in doing it - just that it is something a scorned woman would do, and that I chose to hurt the OMW (who apparently was dealing with a huge personal upheaval at the time). I tell her I was a scorned man, and just as furious. I also told her that I didn't hurt her, her husband did - who, at a time of emotional challenge to her, was courting another married woman. **** him. 

Her remorse isn't 100% textbook. And I do feel somewhat vulnerable about it. We are about 4mos from DDay. While she hasn't come all the way to where I'd like her to, she has come 95% and is doing almost everything else right by me and our family.


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## br1an (Jun 24, 2012)

I'm itching to lash out - while I know I should be focusing on myself - as my wife - 5+ weeks from DDay - has shown just about no remorse, for what she did to me, our kids, etc.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> I will continue to disagree with bad advice from people who have no experience in the matter. Now, if you want to tell people I'm giving bad advice about military/law enforcement matters, then feel free to.


My continuing point, which I will make until you stop harassing me, is that you have no idea about my life, and you continue to assume that I have never been cheated on. You are mistaken.


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## thrway214 (Feb 24, 2012)

Don't act in anger, br1an. It doesn't fix your anger, and chances are, you will do yourself more harm than good. Your judgment is very clouded. Remove yourself from triggers, as best as you can. 

Right now, you need to become the cool, level-headed, strong and determined person your wife wants to be with. Your job is also to make the affair a miserable place to be in (assuming it hasn't ended already). This dichotomy is designed to bring your W back. 

Of course, you have plenty of time after to decided if you even want to R.


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## br1an (Jun 24, 2012)

thrway214 said:


> Don't act in anger, br1an. It doesn't fix your anger, and chances are, you will do yourself more harm than good. Your judgment is very clouded. Remove yourself from triggers, as best as you can.
> 
> Right now, you need to become the cool, level-headed, strong and determined person your wife wants to be with. Your job is also to make the affair a miserable place to be in (assuming it hasn't ended already). This dichotomy is designed to bring your W back.
> 
> Of course, you have plenty of time after to decided if you even want to R.


Trying to fight the anger but it's an ongoing battle.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

All the more reason to stay here, Brian! Despite the little internal spat, which I regret you had to witness, there are good folks here and lots of good advice -- just come here when you feel like venting!


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## br1an (Jun 24, 2012)

br1an said:


> Trying to fight the anger but it's an ongoing battle.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Been feeling that initial post discovery and craziness again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

And see, I’m different... Your spouse is unremorseful making it a lost cause. Kid gloves come off about that with me. Embrace your anger. It’s absolutely fine to feel all that anger. Don’t go off and be violent, but use that anger as energy to detach. Worst thing you can do in my mind is act all ‘cool and calm’ that she screwed up your world like ‘its ok, we’ll get through this together’. Start throwing down the emotional rampage. Let her hear you screaming in the basement those choice words she hasn’t heard before... It feels good to open that box... And let her see you all torn up, hurting, and writhing in pain; That is what will give her nightmares later.... She’ll know it was her that did this. Introduce her to this private hell she gave you.

Wanna cause pain to her? The deepest pain is her witnessing the ramifications of what she did to you. She didn’t think about this part. Make it real for her. If she had any love for you, this will hurt her the most of all; Knowing she is the source of your pain. And don’t take it out on her at all... Think of it like she’s died and her ghost gets to witness this. Ignore her... work on detaching. Let her see you grieving for your loss. What she expects is you to rage on her and yell; That is how it worked in her mind and what she prepared for. The last thing she expected is to be ignored and have to witness all this from the outside looking in.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Exposé into the OMs life big time. Your WW is likely very fearful that he I'll be hurt by her cheating with him. By bringing him grief you hit at the affair in a very effective way which will shake up your wife since she fears him being hurt and him dumping her. Essentially she doesn't want him having a reason to stop pursuing her. Your goal is to give him that reason. To make your wife too costly o cheat with.

Exposure is right now one of your most effective tools.

The next is money. Does she work? If not, then stop funding her cheating and self discovery. Her nice time away is really her having freedom to pursue him. If there really wasNC, she would be home. Her actions tell another story, she has taken it underground and gotten away from you so you can't interfere.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

lamaga said:


> All the more reason to stay here, Brian! Despite the little internal spat, which I regret you had to witness, there are good folks here and lots of good advice -- just come here when you feel like venting!


Iamaga - are you being open about your feelings? LOL

On exposure it worked for me. But I made serious mistakes after that. Exposure does seem to be the quickest way to end the fog and puts an end to the fantasy. Make sure you have the facts.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

One thing I've learned through all this is that you can't "nicey nice" or love someone out of an affair. It's the nature of the beast. WS take advantage of nice and they take advantage of the BS's love.

Cheating vs infidelity in a long term marriage with children. Whole different ball game.

Every single person I have seen come out of infidelity with an intact marriage, had to get tough at some point. Not angry to the point of crazy. Not vindictive, or hell bent on revenge. But they had to start learning about tough love and developing some serious boundaries. 


I had no idea I was dealing with an affair when my H and I were going through our stuff. I just thought I was dealing with an angry, immature man who was as unhappy with the state of our marriage as I was...but 4 months after he asked for a D and after dealing with his confusing, vacillating, insane behaviour for long enough, I got tough on his a$$. He never saw the OW again after that night and I had no idea she even existed. Sure, he already wanted out of the A but I sealed her fate because I laid down some serious boundaries. 

Infidelity is not for the faint of heart.

Good luck, br1an.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Heres my take,
I like exposing to OM's W/GF thats my 1st degree.
My 2nd degree of pissing ww off is exposing to her family only.
Then to go nuculer I expose to everyone.

So my point is you need a plan and work the plan, and yes exposure is a stratagy and it needs to be worked like any battle plan and make deveations according to the enemies reaction to your action.....so there are degrees of exposure and a schedule to these types of exposures.


But make no mistake some degree of exposure is a must in fighting a fantasy type affair with a R still in the pic....

In addition, exposure in some degree is a must in an exit affiar to prevent you looking like the bad guy while your chick goes off and bangs some guy infront of your kids.

In fact exposure is a consequence that is needed in any case b/c one way or another you need to cover your @ss and show the wayward and the AP that what they did was wrong in so many. ways


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

Please...at least tell the other mans wife, she has a right to know! Do not listen to what ur wife tells you about 'his wife'...all that matters is she deserves to protect herself and ker kids (if any) from his cheating ways. When my Dday came, I didn't know the OW or even if she was married....i found out about a month after dday and no contact she was back with her man. I didn't know if they had separated or what. I didn't expose. A few months later she came fishing...tried to contact my H. He told me right away. The first call I made was to her (OW's) husband, I offered to forward him her texts & emails...and I did. He was kinda mad at ME for looking him up online!! HA! I told him I had been through one affair and I would be damned if I stood by and watched ANYONE try to cheat on ANYONE (least of all when it involves my H) I would expose. I do not regret it, she has never come fishing again. It's been 4 years. We have a true reconciliation and it really is better then before in so many ways!! Good luck Brian.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Most of the guys here will tell you to go for exposure.
> 
> I think it makes you look petty and hurts your karma besides.
> 
> ...


It's fascinating that you have this opinion about telling the simple truth. You may not see it this way, but you are supporting what cheaters crave most of all, which is the fun and thrill of secrecy. 92% of Americans in a recent survey believe infidelity in marriage is immoral. There is a part in the marriage service that asks for community support.

That is all this is about: simple truth. I'm amused by your interpretation of karma. Fortunately, karma is one of those ideas that seems to fit whatever way you choose to look at things.

I'm pretty sure karma is on the side of truth and doesn't favor the position of perpetuating lies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

You may not be able to save your marriage no matter what you do. You have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it.

The first thing I think you should do is to let your wife know that you want to stay married. Tell her that you love her, that you have always loved her, that you want to be a better husband, and you want to improve your marriage. If she has legitimate complaints about you, tell her you will work on improving them.

Also tell your wife that, although all of the above is true, you will not continue to stay married to someone who has no interest in being married to you. Tell your wife you plan to improve yourself, you would like to do it with her, but you can and will go on without her if she refuses to end her affair and work on the marriage.

Some conditions she must meet in order for you to work on the marriage: No contact with the other man. She gives you access to all communication devices and accounts and lets you know her whereabouts 24/7 until she earns back trust. No more girls nights outs.

If she refuses these conditions, expose the affair. Do not tell her you are going to expose it. Tell the other man's wife/girlfriend. Tell her what you know and offer to let her see any evidence you have. Next, tell her family. Tell your family. Tell the husbands of the friends with whom she went on her cheating excursions. Tell any other friends who you think could influence your wife. When you tell them, let them know your wife had an affair, with whom, and ask for their support of your marriage.

Your wife will go ballistic when you do this. Tell her that you are fighting for her and fighting for your marriage.


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## br1an (Jun 24, 2012)

I've tried calling the number I found for "her" - who I think to be her, a couple of times, it goes straight to a nondescript voicemail. 

My problem is, I need to confirm that her husband's middle name is "Chris" or "Christopher" PLUS that her husband's cell number is a certain number that I know contacted my wife via calls and texts over the 4-month period. 

I'm having trouble confirming this information.. So ultimately I'm not 100% positive that this is HER or HIM I've found. Pretty sure, but not 100%. 

I'd like to confirm more before I go the all-exposure route - which I believe in, especially if this guy is running around on his wife, she deserves to know. 

The A is essentially over unless they've taken it very much underground, but this guy was skittish from the get-go, and once he got wind of my research - he killed it that very day.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

where are you getting your info? have you tried spokeo.com


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## br1an (Jun 24, 2012)

That's actually where I found the information I have... I have his/her name, about 4 addresses - and 1 phone number - and his cell number. 
I was hoping to find social media profiles and research there, but no dice. The only email I could find for him was one on CompuServe.. plus a possible work email - at the local law enforcement office.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

hmmm, if he works at law enforcement he may be good at hiding his digital trail


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

br1an said:


> That's actually where I found the information I have... I have his/her name, about 4 addresses - and 1 phone number - and his cell number.
> I was hoping to find social media profiles and research there, but no dice. The only email I could find for him was one on CompuServe.. plus a possible work email - at the local law enforcement office.


If it's not a common name, try googling it. Or google his cell number. Sometimes that information will be attached to sites which will give you more information about him. I tried googling my STBXH's email accounts, and found that he has used that email address on dating sites. It's amazing how one can connect certain dots via a simple google search.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

grenville said:


> My take is that you need to be open and honest with people about why you're separating but going out on a publicity campaign will likely backfire. I suspect you'll also be surprised how few people really take sides based on any kind of perceived fault. Many will refuse to take sides at all and the rest will likely base it on which of you they are closest too.


This is true. That is why,IMO, exposure has to be handled in a certain way.
IMO, expoure's primary purposes are two fold.
First, there is preservation of you reputation. Undoubtedly, your wife has been bad mouthing you to her friends and others to justify this or set up the divorce.
Unleashing the truth may help you look less like the bad guy to the folks she has smeared you too.
Second, it helps keep the OM pout of your kids lives. If they are young, in particular, you do not want them around a person so morally bankrupt.

But, it is important to finesse this, IMO. One of the things many cheaters bank on is "fundamental attribution error", where , in response to the severe abuse and provocation of the affair, the betrayed spouse acts out in anger or pain . The cheater then points to this behavior as being representative of the betrayed's normal, typical marital behavior. This bolsters the cheater's calim that the affair was justified because you were such a rotten spouse.
So, handle exposure gently, calmly as possible. Just get the facts out, no editorializing on yor wife's character etc.
This worked amazingly well for me, with my XW's family winding up entirely in y corner. Smae with some of our mutual friends.
There may be a hardcore group that ou will never convince the affair was not your fault. You just have to write those folks off.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Hey, you're welcome to disagree with me. All of you.
> 
> What you are not welcome to do is to imply that you know about my life because of my comments, which is what I called out Lord Mayhem for.
> 
> People disagree. That is what makes a robust forum. When the mods agree that I am not contributing content of value, I'm sure they will block me. Until then, you'll just have to put up with a dissenting voice. Trust me, you'll cope.


I agree , you abo****ely have the right to voice a different opinion.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

thrway214 said:


> Fair enough. She doesn't imply that I was wrong in doing it - just that it is something a scorned woman would do, and that I chose to hurt the OMW (who apparently was dealing with a huge personal upheaval at the time). I tell her I was a scorned man, and just as furious. I also told her that I didn't hurt her, her husband did - who, at a time of emotional challenge to her, was courting another married woman. **** him.
> 
> Her remorse isn't 100% textbook. And I do feel somewhat vulnerable about it. We are about 4mos from DDay. While she hasn't come all the way to where I'd like her to, she has come 95% and is doing almost everything else right by me and our family.


She sounds like a sexist, and is trying to insult you be attacking your masculinity.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I would like to add to Big Liam's post. Exposing in your case has three important things to accomplish and in this order

1. you do not know the POS and you need to protect your kids. Your wife made the choice there and we know how well cheaters make good choices.

2. Exposing to the light of day strips away the fantasy. It is no longer the fun and games it was to her before. It usually makes the WS listen to family and friends and hear things they do not want to hear.

3. Protect your reputation and this is important with her family as well. Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles do not go away in a divorce and it is imporatnat for them to no the other side of the story.

Have you made appointments yet to see a Dr and IC? How are you doing?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

br1an said:


> Minor update.. Wife texted me this morning, asking if I was going to call her mother next, trying to "fix her". Told her I wasn't trying to fix her, just trying to get someone in her circle of friends/family to know the whole story, and urge some caution on her part in ending our marriage and plunging our kids into this.
> 
> It's been just 5 weeks since Discovery, and 3 weeks since OM ended it - and I've tried to make her see that as raw as we both are, is NOW the time to make the kind of decision she's suggesting - that I move out (not bloody likely) and that we separate/divorce.
> 
> She said "once again" I've made her upset and mad before work - I told her that's my world, pretty much 24/7 these days. She suggested that we talk later.


Brian,
What you should have said is "That is a great idea to call your Mom, Thank you for suggesting it" click, hang up the phone and call her mother.


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## br1an (Jun 24, 2012)

That's how I determined his last name, his cell was listed on a property for sale 2-3 years ago near where he lives. I called local realtors, asking about property and was able to determine it from there. 

It's impossible to track a cell number - unless they've it somewhere like that, or with a social media profile. Guy - nor his wife - is not on any social media that I can find.


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## br1an (Jun 24, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Brian,
> What you should have said is "That is a great idea to call your Mom, Thank you for suggesting it" click, hang up the phone and call her mother.


Not sure this will work at all.... She has two older brothers who pulled the same stuff with their long-term marriages. A, Discovery, No Counseling/Work, Divorce, Bang. 

Suddenly, according to her mother, the ex daughter's in law were pretty much evil incarnate.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Blood is thicker than water after all. Still, it doesn't hurt to try and at the very least, you know you did your best to expose it. If your in laws want to be enablers because they're all cheaters, so be it. Then you can tell your MIL that all her children are cheaters and she should be so proud of her self for raising them.


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

br1an said:


> It actually felt petty doing it, but I'm glad I took the plunge. Two of the friends here in town were actually ON these trips with her, and I'm pretty sure that they each tell their husbands that they are going to the "outlet malls" to shop when they go on these trips. I was the only husband stupid enough to trust my wife, to go out dancing, etc. and not hook up with someone.


Girls And Guys nights out are just BAD, BAD, and BAD for any marriage. Don't feel too bad many other husbands and wives have made the same mistake in giving too much freedom to their spouse. Some individuals are not responsible enough to appreciate freedoms. 

I know some older husbands who let their young, pretty wives vacation once a year (without them) to Panama City Beach, Florida-- a known meat market. CRAZY! They try to talk my wife into going and I won't let her (unless I go too). That makes me jealous and controlling. OK

Personally, I don't even want to do things unless my family is present. Just the fact that your spouse wants to go out without you or your kids is NOT good.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Expose, ignore the enablers, or the ones married to their affair partner now, which sound like lamaga.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

br1an said:


> Not sure this will work at all.... She has two older brothers who pulled the same stuff with their long-term marriages. A, Discovery, No Counseling/Work, Divorce, Bang.
> 
> Suddenly, according to her mother, the ex daughter's in law were pretty much evil incarnate.


Very telling. Often this stuff runs in families.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Blood is thicker than water after all. Still, it doesn't hurt to try and at the very least, you know you did your best to expose it. If your in laws want to be enablers because they're all cheaters, so be it. Then you can tell your MIL that all her children are cheaters and she should be so proud of her self for raising them.


Yes, but remember, LM, that folks who raise kids like this, themselves have very few real values. So, while we feel they would be ashamed or embarrassed, they are not at all.
It was like when I did criminal defense. The victims would tell themselves that the criminals who hurt them now had time in jail to contemplate their wrong doing and to live with the guilt.
That is a joke. I never had a cleint who was remorseful and the last thing thse guys were doing was worrying about who they hurt.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

BigLiam said:


> Yes, but remember, LM, that folks who raise kids like this, themselves have very few real values. So, while we feel they would be ashamed or embarrassed, they are not at all.


:iagree:

Upbringing is the key

This exactly why some people feel entitled throughout their lives. Spare the rod spoil the child me mum used to say, this was after dad took a stick on me. Talk about a total lack of sympathy


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

BigLiam said:


> Very telling. Often this stuff runs in families.


*ding ding ding*

My H is a serial cheater and his brother is in an active affair. Another brother cheated when going through marital issues. 

Their mother cheated on their dad when the oldest(my H) was around 5 or 6. My H even remembers what the guy looks like to this very day.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> *ding ding ding*
> 
> My H is a serial cheater and his brother is in an active affair. Another brother cheated when going through marital issues.
> 
> Their mother cheated on their dad when the oldest(my H) was around 5 or 6. My H even remembers what the guy looks like to this very day.


Yep. Both my Xw's parents cheated. Her dad with the swedish ambassador to US wife.
. Her mom with one of their ministers at the largest Lutheran Church in the US.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Since when is speaking the truth somehow unethical?!

This thread has taken a turn into the land of Bizarro.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Posse said:


> Since when is speaking the truth somehow unethical?!
> 
> This thread has taken a turn into the land of Bizarro.


It's only unethical to those who are in an affair, or to those who haven't been through it and to the newly betrayed until they learn that it's not.


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