# Im really starting to hate my wife



## WifeDrivesMeCrazy

My wife and I have been together a very long time. Since our teen years (late 20s now). And ever since I have known her. She has had some insecurity problems. Probably due to cheating while we were still teens, barely legal to even drink. As a typical young couple at the time. We got through it and are here now with 2 wonderful kids. I work late evenings and she works the 9-5. We barely see each other. And when we do all I hear is how the kids stress her and how its so hard. I'm the patient one and she is the inpatient anxious inappropriate anger flowing through her veins will bark at you the moment you say something that may strike a nerve. Yes before you guys refer us to MC, been there done that. After the 2nd session she did not want to go back. Felt like MC was "picking on her" and singling her out. Because the MC confirmed my wife had experience mental trauma and a abusive childhood. In my wife words she felt the MC was not asking me enough questions. I had a pretty good up bringing. And also pointed out that my wife needs to speak to me more appropriately. She gave my wife an exercise to work on in between sessions as well asked to see my wife alone a few times. That never happened. Once we got in the car my wife tossed the exercise paper literally out the car window. I'm a great dad. I help around the house. I am neat freak. Constantly cleaning and putting things in order. I cook, I even offer to do laundry so my wife can stay home in bed and watch Law & Order. She never accepts my laundry offer. And when she does the laundry later on will complain and ***** about doing it. We argue constantly about the smallest things. Milk spills boom argue. Kids are fighting and being restless boom argument. Sex can be good at times. But she lays there like a fish. While I call the action like a film director. No foreplay, or romancing. I buy her lingerie to wear to spice things up. Its never used. I ask her to try new things in bed. But her reply is she doesn't feel comfortable. Even after all these years. I recently joined the gym to get in shape and let off some steam. She's upset about it. Deep down inside she thinks I am going to look like the rock or something up and leave her. I constantly remind her I am not. And only am doing this to get in shape and take care of my health. Because I do have 2 kids. My gym time does not interfere with our lives. Because while at the gym she's at work and kids are off at school. So those little 3 hours before work I use it for me time. I don't know anymore. I cant stand her anymore. She's always so miserable looking and carries her attitude on her face. Her jealousy and insecurities are driving me away.


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## EleGirl

You say that you use the time when your wife is at work and your kids are at daycare to work out. How many hours a day/week does your wife get to herself when the kids are either in daycare or being taken care of by you? What does she do with her 3 hours a day of free time?

So we've heard a lot about what you are unhappy about. You pointed out quite a few of your wife's flaws.

I'd love to hear your wife's side of the story. What are your flaws? What does she say they are?

I'm not surprised at all that the two of you are not getting along. You two work opposite schedules. This means that you hardly see each other. This often leads to exactly what you are experiencing. You two have lost your bond to each other. When that happens the loving feelings are replaced by feelings of irritation, arguing, and plain not liking each other.

I suggest that you get the book "His Needs, Her Needs". After you read it get your wife to read it with you and to work on the exercises. 

If you two cannot get on the same working schedule, then you two need to find a way to prioritize your time so that the two of you spend at least 15 hours a week together, just the two of you doing date-like things.


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## PBear

So what's your question? If you and your wife don't work together to fix your issues, it's not likely to work out. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WifeDrivesMeCrazy

EleGirl said:


> You say that you use the time when your wife is at work and your kids are at daycare to work out. How many hours a day/week does your wife get to herself when the kids are either in daycare or being taken care of by you? What does she do with her 3 hours a day of free time?
> 
> So we've heard a lot about what you are unhappy about. You pointed out quite a few of your wife's flaws.
> 
> I'd love to hear your wife's side of the story. What are your flaws? What does she say they are?
> 
> I'm not surprised at all that the two of you are not getting along. You two work opposite schedules. This means that you hardly see each other. This often leads to exactly what you are experiencing. You two have lost your bond to each other. When that happens the loving feelings are replaced by feelings of irritation, arguing, and plain not liking each other.
> 
> I suggest that you get the book "His Needs, Her Needs". After you read it get your wife to read it with you and to work on the exercises.
> 
> If you two cannot get on the same working schedule, then you two need to find a way to prioritize your time so that the two of you spend at least 15 hours a week together, just the two of you doing date-like things.


Well this past summer m wife and I took a week long vacation. On the sunny beaches of the Caribbean. I tried to really enjoy myself. Eating, dancing , drinking mingling with other married couples. But wife stayed in our cabin most of the time, calling home and checking on our kids every 30 min. And would stress herself out if she couldn't reach anyone to see how the kids were doing. It was terrible. I was looking forward to our trip the entire time. Hoping this would be the trip to bring us close again. Re ignite the fire. But it didn't ....She is with our kids for 3 hours. Homework, bath time then sleep. I usually cook dinner before I leave work. So its one task off her plate. Very rare if she's up waiting for me.


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## WifeDrivesMeCrazy

PBear said:


> So what's your question? If you and your wife don't work together to fix your issues, it's not likely to work out.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's pretty obvious.


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## PBear

So again, what's your question? You can't make her work on things if she doesn't want to. We can't change her mind. Does she know you're getting fed up enough to consider leaving?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WifeDrivesMeCrazy

PBear said:


> So again, what's your question? You can't make her work on things if she doesn't want to. We can't change her mind. Does she know you're getting fed up enough to consider leaving?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes she knows. I have spoken to her countless times about it. One ear out the other. She flips the script and blames everything on me. Basically going tit for tat with everything. In her eyes she is the perfect angel. And I am Ray Rice, this beast who harms everything in his way.


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## lucy999

Good job for being active and healthy. Is she unfit? I only ask this because she might be jealous of your efforts. She clearly was uncomfortable on your beach vacay. Is she not happy with the way she looks?


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## ChargingCharlie

Wow, OP, your marriage sounds a lot like mine. Not everything (we met later in life and we're about 20 years older, we never have sex, and our work schedules are roughly the same), but I get you on the kids stressing her out. I find it amazing how I can have the kids for a weekend and all is fine, and she has them for a few hours in the evening, and she's all stressed out and mad at me because I'm not home. Also very insecure, like yours. 

I will say that these issues started when the kids arrived. All of a sudden, she starts getting stressed out and mad over stupid stuff (me finding the right parking spot, me not changing diapers correctly in her mind, etc). I will say that she has gotten better in the last year or so, but still has some issues (her brother got mad at her a few weeks back when they took the kids to visit family - he told me she drove him nuts with her constantly stressing out about the kids, whereas I can have them and there are no problems).

Nothing to add except that there are others on here that are in the same boat, and if nothing else, you can vent to people that understand what you're going through. If you like, PM me.


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## Rottdad42

I would say that going on a vacation to an island , where people go to do that very thing. Vacation. To let your hair down, relax, enjoy the better things in life. To slow down the world so that every moment you are there, it's wonderful. But for a life partner to go to paradise, not enjoy that other person, without the stresses of the world and be in the moment, is telling. To stay in the room and do the things she does at home, well that speaks for itself. If she keeps this up without stress relief she is going to crack. Good for you about the gym thing. Its not about looking good for others, it's looking good for your wife. Insecurities is a hoot. Not much to help, but it sounds like she needs some solo time at therapy.


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## LongWalk

Book MC. Copy what you wrote here and give it to the therapist as background information.

Does your wife orgasm? Does she ever hug or kiss you?


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## ChargingCharlie

Rottdad42 said:


> I would say that going on a vacation to an island , where people go to do that very thing. Vacation. To let your hair down, relax, enjoy the better things in life. To slow down the world so that every moment you are there, it's wonderful. But for a life partner to go to paradise, not enjoy that other person, without the stresses of the world and be in the moment, is telling. To stay in the room and do the things she does at home, well that speaks for itself. If she keeps this up without stress relief she is going to crack. Good for you about the gym thing. Its not about looking good for others, it's looking good for your wife. Insecurities is a hoot. Not much to help, but it sounds like she needs some solo time at therapy.


Well said. My wife constantly complains about how her head hurts and/or how tired she is, and a huge part of this is constantly stressing out regarding the kids, even though I try to take them places by myself so that we can get away from her. She can't relax, and this leads to me not looking forward to the weekend, as all she'll do is be stressed out and *****y the whole time.


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## LongWalk

Insist that she goes to IC.


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## TheCuriousWife

I'll admit I didn't read your post. I didn't need to. I read the thread's title.

I fully believe hate has no place in a relationship. If you hate your wife, then that is enough for me to conclude that this isn't a healthy relationship.

Time to step back and figure out a plan of action.

My husband telling me he hated me, would be a deal breaker.


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## Lynnie1981

I think what u should do is sit down and talk with your wife about it. Hating your wife is really harsh n not healthy at all for your relationship. Have u tried going to counseling? Maybe try that. If not, u both need to work on yourselves. IT would be nice to hear your wife's side of the story.


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## Flying_Dutchman

Sounds like a B-grade NPD to me. Read this, OP. Should be there or thereabouts.

Dealing with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ChargingCharlie

Flying_Dutchman said:


> Sounds like a B-grade NPD to me. Read this, OP. Should be there or thereabouts.
> 
> Dealing with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not sure that I agree with this. The OP's wife sounds a lot like mine, and IMO, the issues stem more from insecurity. Mine thinks that I know nothing about how to care for the kids, which is why she nags me to death, but this only relates to me. She will listen when others tell her things (the fun part is when they tell her the same thing that I tell her; they know what they're talking about, but I'm an idiot).

Mine also has a need to be liked by everyone, and will always be nice to others - doesn't always apply to me, however. Case in point - sitter lost a piece of clothing from one of the kids a couple of weeks ago, and wife told her no big deal (which is fine, not a big deal). If I had done that, it would have been a nuclear meltdown, complete with her saying that I can't be trusted to do anything, etc.


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## turnera

They also stem from childhood abuse. Doesn't excuse her, but it's one of the hardest things to accept and overcome. I would tell her you're going to start going to therapy, and just go. You can't make her change.


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## Flying_Dutchman

ChargingCharlie said:


> Not sure that I agree with this. The OP's wife sounds a lot like mine, and IMO, the issues stem more from insecurity. Mine thinks that I know nothing about how to care for the kids, which is why she nags me to death, but this only relates to me. She will listen when others tell her things (the fun part is when they tell her the same thing that I tell her; they know what they're talking about, but I'm an idiot).
> 
> Mine also has a need to be liked by everyone, and will always be nice to others - doesn't always apply to me, however. Case in point - sitter lost a piece of clothing from one of the kids a couple of weeks ago, and wife told her no big deal (which is fine, not a big deal). If I had done that, it would have been a nuclear meltdown, complete with her saying that I can't be trusted to do anything, etc.


Well, you have to remember that any list of 'symptoms' is only a guide and any disorder can be affected by other things, like depressions and insecurities.

Your wife may indeed have insecurities but that's not what she's presenting to you. Major signs of insecurity are a tendency to back down, apologise and defer responsibility, the opposite of what your wife is doing.

I think you're right that your wife is a lot like the OPs, but that both show classic signs of NPDs than insecurity.

Being nice to the babysitter fits right in. NPDs and even the real nightmare BPDs will be nice to people outside of the home/family unit. They want to present a good impression and 'get things done'. They're not out of control - though seem so at home.

Babysitters, shop staff, other citizens - it's not in their interest to create a scene, although, just like regular people they might under some circumstances.

Even happy people are more inclined to snap/act out in the home than in public. Nobody, regular people or (many) with disorders want others to know what goes on behind closed doors.

I'm sure lots of casual visitors think both your wives are wonderful,, same way work colleagues think the abusive husbands, paedophiles and serial killers among them are great. NPDs, like those other examples, aren't insane. Frequently, presenting an image of domestic bliss is high on their priority list. Inside the home is a different story.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justforfun1222

Honestly, you can't please everyone.. do what you can to make yourself happy and maybe she will follow your lead!


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## ChargingCharlie

Flying_Dutchman said:


> Well, you have to remember that any list of 'symptoms' is only a guide and any disorder can be affected by other things, like depressions and insecurities.
> 
> Your wife may indeed have insecurities but that's not what she's presenting to you. Major signs of insecurity are a tendency to back down, apologise and defer responsibility, the opposite of what your wife is doing.
> 
> I think you're right that your wife is a lot like the OPs, but that both show classic signs of NPDs than insecurity.
> 
> Being nice to the babysitter fits right in. NPDs and even the real nightmare BPDs will be nice to people outside of the home/family unit. They want to present a good impression and 'get things done'. They're not out of control - though seem so at home.
> 
> Babysitters, shop staff, other citizens - it's not in their interest to create a scene, although, just like regular people they might under some circumstances.
> 
> Even happy people are more inclined to snap/act out in the home than in public. Nobody, regular people or (many) with disorders want others to know what goes on behind closed doors.
> 
> I'm sure lots of casual visitors think both your wives are wonderful,, same way work colleagues think the abusive husbands, paedophiles and serial killers among them are great. NPDs, like those other examples, aren't insane. Frequently, presenting an image of domestic bliss is high on their priority list. Inside the home is a different story.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


All valid points, and well taken. Speaking for myself, your last paragraph is spot on - there are a lot of people that are very fond of my wife, and just about everyone comments on how we're such a handsome family with two cute little kids. They don't see how she is totally stressed out with the kids, how she nags me constantly over stupid stuff, and how insecure she is (want to add that I'm in no way stating that I don't have any flaws - far from it). Nobody knows how much I look forward to having her go out with friends (everyone probably thinks what a great husband I am to take the kids and let my wife have some fun, when it's just a way to get her out of the house and let us have some relief from the constant nagging and stress). 

Also find it interesting that, like the OP, I can have the kids for the evening, feed them, clean up the dishes, and get them bathed and ready for bed with no issues. She, on the other hand, will feed them, but will stress out when they whine, will sit on her ass watching TV while the kids play instead of cleaning up the dishes (she'll do that after they go to bed and will ***** the whole time about how much she has to do), and when I get home, will complain about how whiny they were, how she didn't get anything done, etc.


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## Lynnie1981

Wow ChargingCharlie that sucks. If my husband would tell me to go out and do things I would be happy about it lol. Sometimes, woman just need to chill and relax. I've noticed that a lot of wives nags and it's what irritated their husbands. I nagged, but never like that. Maybe some wives are insecure about themselves? Hmmm.. I believe space in a relationship is good thing. If you're together all the time too much, it'll drive the other insane. Well, I hope things work out for both of you and Wifedrivesmecrazy. I feel sorry for both of you. I wouldn't wanna feel like I'm being smothered either. Your wives needs some "ME time" so she can relax from all the stress. Anyways, best of luck to you and Wifedrivesmecrazy.


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## ChargingCharlie

Lynnie1981 said:


> Wow ChargingCharlie that sucks. If my husband would tell me to go out and do things I would be happy about it lol. Sometimes, woman just need to chill and relax. I've noticed that a lot of wives nags and it's what irritated their husbands. I nagged, but never like that. Maybe some wives are insecure about themselves? Hmmm.. I believe space in a relationship is good thing. If you're together all the time too much, it'll drive the other insane. Well, I hope things work out for both of you and Wifedrivesmecrazy. I feel sorry for both of you. I wouldn't wanna feel like I'm being smothered either. Your wives needs some "ME time" so she can relax from all the stress. Anyways, best of luck to you and Wifedrivesmecrazy.


Thank you for the kind works, Lynnie. I agree with you about chilling out and relaxing - my wife is always stressed out, and thus is always complaining how her head hurts and how tired she is, but gets mad when I tell her she should relax (funny aside - about a year or so ago, her parents were visiting, and she mentioned to them about how she always has headaches, and her dad told her she should relax. Funny thing, she didn't get mad at him for saying this like she would with me). This is why I'm always looking to take the kids somewhere without her - it's just the three of us having fun without Mommy there stressing out that the kids are being too loud or some such thing.


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## Lynnie1981

From experience myself. I was always with my husband all the time. I've noticed that he would get irritated because he wanted to go out with friends and I would say no. I learned on my own that when your around too much with each other that it'll make the other person feel closed in and not free to do what ever they want. I started telling my husband to go out n hangout with his friends and I'll do the same as well. But of course in my case it's different. I let my husband do what ever he wanted that the cheating started. I'm not saying that u should let each other do what ever you want, but at least give each other space to breathe. 

I think your doing an awesome job on taking your kids to do things without your wife. It'll also help her relax. One thing I would advise to others is make yourself happy before u can make anyone else happy. It doesn't matter if your married or not. You have to learn to love yourself, before you can love anyone else. Have an awesome day ChangingCharlie! Hope things gets better with your marriage and the nagging stops. Nagging, being angry all the time can really drain a marriage. No one deserves be treated that way.


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## Flying_Dutchman

ChargingCharlie said:


> All valid points, and well taken. Speaking for myself, your last paragraph is spot on - there are a lot of people that are very fond of my wife, and just about everyone comments on how we're such a handsome family with two cute little kids. They don't see how she is totally stressed out with the kids, how she nags me constantly over stupid stuff, and how insecure she is (want to add that I'm in no way stating that I don't have any flaws - far from it). Nobody knows how much I look forward to having her go out with friends (everyone probably thinks what a great husband I am to take the kids and let my wife have some fun, when it's just a way to get her out of the house and let us have some relief from the constant nagging and stress).
> 
> Also find it interesting that, like the OP, I can have the kids for the evening, feed them, clean up the dishes, and get them bathed and ready for bed with no issues. She, on the other hand, will feed them, but will stress out when they whine, will sit on her ass watching TV while the kids play instead of cleaning up the dishes (she'll do that after they go to bed and will ***** the whole time about how much she has to do), and when I get home, will complain about how whiny they were, how she didn't get anything done, etc.


Likewise, Charlie. I didn't think you were disagreeing just to be ornery. I'll try and explain to you why I see a NPD rather than just 'moody', depressed, abused (etc). Bear in mind, I hate the term 'normal' but it's useful for reference.

If you draw a straight line in the middle of a sheet of paper, then a wavy line over the top of it, the wavy line represents a normal person having their daily/weekly ups and downs. Some might have long waves, others zig-zags, but so long as they're around the baseline we don't worry about them too much. A bad week their line is under the baseline, a good week it's above it, but the baseline is the happy average. Very high peaks and low troughs, very long or short waves may indicate reactions to stress, abuse memories or bouts of depression but again, so long as they return to around the baseline average, usually there's no cause for alarm.

What indicates a disorder (or a clinical depression and other things) is when a person's baseline/average can be drawn well below that of the normal one. They start from a bad place. They have the same influences/mood swings to influence as the rest of us, but they're peaking and troughing around a lower baseline.

If the disorder is mild, suferrers are simply perceived as 'moody'. More severe and the perception becomes 'nuts'.

Their peaks bring them up into 'normal' zone, but their troughs take them to places most of us rarely go - nor would we want to!

So, and this was the flag for yours and the OPs wife - normal people start at 'content', get grumpy, occasionally furious.

For the pair of you, a 'grumpy' wife ain't a bad day, cuz she's never far from furious.

The narcissism comes in with the lack of empathy for your feelings and others close to them. It's less of a factor to strangers cuz they don't, or rarely, impact on our lives. So, no need for you or your wife to get into it with a cashier - unless she gives you the wrong change. You might feel slightly aggrieved, but your wife will rage. She might prefer to rage at you to get the money back rather than 'lose face' by confronting the cashier herself, but she WILL be raging.

Essentially then, a flag to an emotional disorder, rather than just a stressful week, is that, behind closed doors, the person's baseline is some kind of bad mood and always on the knife edge of rage. Their peaks will be rare moments of contentment, rarely happiness and NEVER, if they're narcissistic, genuine warmth. They can fake warmth to manipulate you, but it won't last for long. The rare occasions they laugh will be at somebody elses misfortune,,, probably yours.

Not the best description, but if you could follow it that may help. Confirming a mild case of a PD is hard and an NPD not much easier. 
They're influenced by the same stresses as the rest of us, so you look at the averages and patterns.

Happy/grumpy, no problem.

Always grumpy/volatile/raging - not good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic

Your wife sounds disordered. It's hard to tell the disorder because you have provided little details about her rage sessions and their nature, frequency and other things.

At the end of the day, it really doesn't matter what the disorder is or how severe it is. The fact that she refuses to acknowledge her flaws while pointing out yours is enough reason to believe she is slowly killing your marriage. You can wait and see how this pans out (most likely in her painting you all black and leaving you) or you can take action right now by getting divorced.

Don't wait for things to get better. They won't.

I could post the symptoms for different disorders for you here, but as I said, it doesn't really matter. She will continue to make your life hell as long as you allow it. That's how disordered people live, and you can't change them.


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## ChargingCharlie

I've said it before - I'm married to an immature, insecure, asexual nag. Worst part is that the nagging came when the kids came along (the immaturity was always there, but I never noticed it until the kids came along, and the asexuality has been an issue for a few years). She's also lazy. 

One thing I've learned, and I hope the OP learns this, is that he needs to stand up to her when she's being unreasonable (to be fair, I'm still a major work-in-process on this part). My inclination is to be the calm, mature adult when she's ranting that I'm not parking in the right spot or the kids are whiny. However, twice last winter/spring, I blew up at her when she was complaining about some stupid stuff, and things seemed to go better after that for a while. I made the mistake last year of not responding when she got furious over dumb stuff. I also try to show her that when I have the kids, all is well, and I do know what I'm doing. Proof will be in the pudding this weekend, as we're taking the kids to a kid party at a public place, and I'm guessing that her insecurities will be in full display as we pull into the parking lot and she's mad that I parked one spot over too far for her liking. 

Point of all this for the OP and others in the same boat (me as well, as I need to practice what I preach) - don't let the other party get away with being unreasonable over dumb things. I think it was GettingIt that mentioned that her marriage was this way, as her husband was always walking on eggshells around her trying to make sure things would be in place so she wouldn't blow up, and she realized the dynamic and did something about it (not that she was totally at fault, and I will never say that my wife is totally at fault, as I have my issues as well).


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## MidlifeWife

Your complaints about your wife remind me of my complaints about my husband. He has his good moments, but he is very moody and difficult to be married to. Over the years, I just have defined my limits for the sake of getting along. We fight at night because we are tired and irritable, so I go watch television and unwind in a separate room most nights. He is mean when he is hungry (hangry) so I simply refuse to engage in any sort of discussions about anything until he eats and generally his mood completely improves as a result, all other things being normal. In the beginning of the marriage, he would hector me about buying "stuff" that he didn't understand the purpose of. (Household cleaning supplies, organizational supplies, children's clothing...). The sight of me coming home with shopping bags set him off. So, I just stopped bringing bags home in front of him and instead, put household purchases away when he is not home. He handles the grocery shopping because he is a budget control freak and that is fine, I appreciate that he does that chore even if his motivation is being a skinflint, it is still an unpleasant chore and I give him credit for it. I try to just appreciate the many things he does that help our household run smoothly because I have made a decision I am in it for the kids. That is good enough for the time being, I married in my thirties and had romance and fun prior to settling down and will hopefully have that again once the children are grown. We have occasional moments where we can transcend the BS and almost feel loving friendship & even sexual attraction toward one another but mostly we are like coworkers just getting the job done. So, if you don't want to divorce because you want daily access to your kids, try to appreciate what your wife does well, let her know when you are appreciative try to learn what her triggers are and avoid them rather than engage. I would not say my husband gives me the same courtesy but I am sort of beyond it at this point. My kids certainly provide me with appreciation, as does my employer.


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