# My wife left me, but won�t leave the marriage. What do I do?



## WhiteKnucklingIt

*My wife left me, but won’t leave the marriage. What do I do?*

My wife essentially left me four years ago. It was a never a great marriage, but I thought we had pulled it together in 2004, which is why I was willing to have a kid. Within a year of my son’s birth, she checked out completely: I don’t mean just no sex (two times in 5+ years, and nothing since July 2008), I mean NOTHING. Physically, we haven’t even kissed goodbye or good night in a couple of years, and she stays up until 2-3 am every night so she never has to get in the bed when I’m awake. And our emotional life is even worse, varying between indifference and pointed hostility.

I’ve told her clearly the kinds of things that I feel need to change in our relationship for it to work; she refuses to do them. I’ve asked her to tell me what changes she needs me to make the relationship work from her perspective; she refuses, saying there’s nothing I can do that will make a difference. I’ve begged her to go to counseling for years; she consistently refuses. I told her a year ago that I simply couldn’t tolerate the status quo much longer and we needed to make our marriage our top priority or start talking about how to end it. She refused. I finally started going to counseling on my own because I could feel myself sliding into depression, and now she accuses me of being selfish because I’m spending money on my needs instead of for the family. 

Bizzarely, though, she doesn’t want to get divorced. She has no religious commitments to it or anything; she simply doesn’t think we can afford to provide our son the life we planned for him if we get divorced. My response is the life we planned presupposed that we were actually married, and that I simply can’t fake a marriage with a woman who gives every impression of despising me, even if I wanted to or felt obligated to. I’ve told her I will be nothing but honorable in the financial distribution of a divorce, but I’m not prepared to keep paying the price I’m paying right now.

If anybody has any bright ideas on how to change this situation for the better, I'm all ears. Barring some intentionality on a new way of being married, though, my goal is to separate by January. But what if I can’t make it that long, or what if it has to be longer (she hasn't worked since our son was born, and really does need to find a job)? I’m going to end up an alcoholic or with cancer or something if I have to stay immersed in this toxicity for much longer.


----------



## jeffreygropp

*Re: My wife left me, but won’t leave the marriage. What do I do?*

You should probably just stay in the relationship. You've been in it this long already with her hostility, why not go another 30 years?

Or... in reality... just leave tomorrow. That sounds awful, and I lived through that for 2 years. I told my wife one day "I hate you, I hate our marriage, I hate my life. Either we fix things right here right now and begin repairing, or I am leaving you RIGHT NOW."

Things have improved since then but I don't think will ever fully function the way they should because she is damaged goods.

Give her an ultimatum: Do the things I need for this marriage to work or I am gone.

If she says bye... your suffering is over.


----------



## Brewster 59

*Re: My wife left me, but won’t leave the marriage. What do I do?*



jeffreygropp said:


> You should probably just stay in the relationship. You've been in it this long already with her hostility, why not go another 30 years?
> 
> Or... in reality... just leave tomorrow. That sounds awful, and I lived through that for 2 years. I told my wife one day "I hate you, I hate our marriage, I hate my life. Either we fix things right here right now and begin repairing, or I am leaving you RIGHT NOW."
> 
> Things have improved since then but I don't think will ever fully function the way they should because she is damaged goods.
> 
> Give her an ultimatum: Do the things I need for this marriage to work or I am gone.
> 
> 
> 
> If she says bye... your suffering is over.


:iagree: Although it sounds like it has gone so far that your best bet is getting the hell outta dodge, shes there for the kid and the money, I sure dont think ending this relationship would be a bad choice.


----------



## LongWalk

Hi Whiteknuck,

How are you doing?

LW

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


----------



## Aunt Ava

*Re: My wife left me, but won’t leave the marriage. What do I do?*

LW...another 3 year old Z O M B I E Thread. I sure hope he finall resolved/dissolved the marriage.


----------



## LongWalk

*Re: My wife left me, but won’t leave the marriage. What do I do?*



Aunt Ava said:


> LW...another 3 year old Z O M B I E Thread. I sure hope he finall resolved/dissolved the marriage.


When I started using the iPhone app for forums it made it very easy to scroll back in time. I realize the chance of a reply from a zombie thread is small, but I thought I would shoot a few messages out to see.

Really it depends on the persons email. Did they keep the same mail. Does the notice go into spam?

BTW I was amazed at the sheer number of short desperate cries that generated less than a 10 replies and then died.


----------

