# Forgiving and Staying Married?



## YKB (Aug 18, 2011)

About a year ago, I found out that my husband was cheating on me. It has been a tough year since then. Not only dealing with my emotions, but also trying to put the humiliation I experienced behind has been beyond stressful. (My husband called the police because he was worried I was going to hurt myself when I found out he had been cheating on me. Then three police officers showed up at my work to take me to a hospital. I told them I was ok and I did not want to go to the hospital, then they threatened me that they would put a handcuff on me if I wouldn't follow their order. I begged them to let me go talk to my client because I was in the middle of a service appointment and didn't want to suddenly disappear without letting her know at least that I had to go. They said no, and I was taken by them in front of so many people. It was a very traumatic experience.)

I still have a lot of anger towards him for what he has done and what he has put me through, but at the same time I know he has changed so much and he has been trying to become the best husband that he can be. He has also suffered because of the mean things I have said to him and my unpredictable emotional ups and downs. 

I think that I have forgiven him even though I am still angry. There is nothing he can do about my anger. No matter how many times he has apologized to me or how great a person he has become, I am still angry today. I have accepted that my emotional issue is my issue, no longer our issue. When I realized it, I forgave him and decided to deal with the anger on my own.

All we can do now is moving forward instead of dwelling on the past. However, I don't know if I want to move forward with him as a married couple. It's not that I don't like him. I care about him so much and want to somehow stay in his life and want him to stay in my life as well, but I feel like I have lost the trust, love and passion for him that I'd had before.

*Does me considering the divorce mean that I have not forgiven him? *I am very confused. If I have really forgiven him, should I be feeling positive about our marriage and wanting to stay married?

Thank you for reading.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Wow. Your H cheated on you and then because you were upset, even though you were at WORK and relating normally to others, he arranged to have police officers come to get you? And they did? Based on what evidence? 

If I were you, I would go to the police department and request a copy of the conversation/documentation that led up to your detainment. There has to be clear and convincing evidence of harm to self or others to be taken like that. 

You know what? Based on your writing it seems to me like you are trying to convince yourself that you are supposed to be in love with your H no matter what. This rings a personal bell with me. You might want to read up on abusive relationships (The Verbally Abusive Relationship, not sure of author) and see if any of that might pertain to you. 

I do not think you are at all out of line for considering divorce.

I am already gone from my marriage. I had successfully engaged in his brainwashing and other tactics in a short marriage, he had been lying to me all along about his involvement with other women. One year of marriage, I feel lucky it only took me that long to figure out what was going on. But to be honest it took two case managers, a psychologist and a year of therapy, a year-long deployment where H was out of country and absent from my day to day life, getting out of the house and doing things that I liked to do - unfettered by his comments -, being with friends without his involvement/comments, and some serious looking at self and being unafraid of reality to get me to this point. 

You might want to get yourself a separate living situation and no contact for a while plus therapy to see where your feelings are taking you. Logic is often served up on a silver platter by the wayward/abusive spouse. If you have a job where you have clients I am guessing you are a very logical person. So maybe you need to try making decisions about life that are based on feeling. For me, I had an allergic reaction that left me oxygen deprived for several months...so I lost the ability to handle complex reasoning for a while and had to rely on intuition. I'd been to a lot of zen/intuition training before, so didn't have to start from scratch, but it was like suddenly losing training wheels. My life makes a lot more sense now and I am always surprising myself by how well I handle my day to day. In fact, in my day to day I have been supportive of others and they have commented on my ability to be confident and happy, in spite of constant uncertainty. I've developed better boundaries. I'm able to tell people who push my buttons what's what, to their face, but without starting a fight. I am entitled to a life that doesn't include other peopole's unnecessary energy-sucking drama, and entitled to protect myself from it, and you are too, married or not, in love with your H, or not.

Probably you should have immediately called your HR and had them involved with these police who showed up, asking for documentation or evidence that you were at risk of harming yourself or others. That is wrong what happened. But you can probably level with your clients and coworkers and tell them the truth - your H cheated on you and he is trying to make out like you are an unstable person so that he can feel justified about what he did. uGH.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'll put it simply: just because your forgave his cheating and the humiliating incident with the cops - doesn't mean you are honor bound to stay in the marriage.

To forgive, isn't the same as to accept, and you shouldn't feel guilty if the love and passion and TRUST you once had didn't return with your forgiving.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

YKB said:


> *Does me considering the divorce mean that I have not forgiven him? *


No. It just means you think you are better apart than together.

Not every couple can reconcile/recover from infidelity.

Mori posted something really good about this very thing this morning. He divorced his cheating wife. He forgave her but knew he would never be able to be with her like hw as again. 

And that is fine.

You have a right to your feelings, too. 

Sorry to hear about what happened at your work. That seems cruel on top of everything else.

You will be fine in time. Promise.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

No it does not. Forgiveness and reconciliation are totally separate and distinct.

You might want to click on the link below my signature titled 'Forgiveness' for more details on how forgiveness can be different from what is normally defined as.


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## dawgfan (Jul 22, 2011)

Hey YKB - 

I'm really sorry about what you've been through. Yeah, you can't really forgive an affair by deciding to just "get over it." The pain's too deep, and stuffing your anger doesn't help.

Have you thought about counseling? It might help you work through your feelings and figure out where your marriage is going. It's not hopeless. Marriages can heal from this, but it takes time, trust, and hard work on both sides to make it work. 

There's a book called Unfaithful by a couple who's survived it - maybe it would help.

God bless,

dawgfan


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

So sorry you're going through this, YKB. It can take quite a bit longer than a year to really heal from this. One thing to keep in mind is that you may still be on the emotional roller coaster. The ups and downs may not be as extreme and fast as they were in the first few months, but they are still there. You said some positive things about your husband and it sounds like you still love him. That said, I think after what you've been through, it's not abnormal to have days when you feel it would be easier to throw in the towel. One thing I considered was the frequency and length of those spells in comparison to the good days. 

Forgiveness of infidelity isn't easy. I thought it was at first because I understood why it happened. As time went by, I realized there were a lot of phases and emotions to go through to get there. It took me longer than a year to really start to feel at ease with my decision to stay in the marriage. For what it's worth, I'm glad I stayed. Had I chosen to divorce, I feel like I still would have had to deal with all of the pain, but I would have missed out on what we have now. 

Give yourself some more time. Don't pressure yourself about making decisions while your emotions are still raw. And don't think that after 1 year, you should be healed and forgive your husband completely. It takes time. Even when you're both doing everything right. 

Best wishes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Per Jelly's request.



> What is forgiveness?
> 
> For a great many people, it means amnesty for the offender and of the consequences that would befall him/her. The problem with this definition is that it makes the offender the beneficiary while the offended getting nothing in return.
> 
> ...


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

YKB. You are very much more than likely grieving. You are grieving what you thought your past was, what your present is and what you thought your future was going to be. This grieving process, working it all out in your head, rationalising things and calming your emotions can take one month for every year you were together.

If you look up the grieving process you will see that you are really quite “normal” in what you are feeling, your emotions, and what you are going through. It really helped me to understand this. Take a look at 7 STAGES OF GRIEF.

When a loved one dies we lose things that were associated with them, their smile, their hugs, their kindness and thoughtfulness those sorts of things. Your H hasn’t died, but you have “lost” things that you really thought you had. It can take a while, sometimes quite a while to get over your losses and rebuild your life again on some form of firm foundations. You will find those foundations within your self. You will learn to take care of, love and comfort yourself. And in time you may again give your heart to your H IF you can ever make yourself vulnerable to him again.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Forgiving him and loving him, wanting to be with him for the rest of your life are really two separate and distinct things.

You can absolutely forgive him, but choose as mori did to still proceed with divorce. I'd wager that most people who divorce do not do so, and suffer more because of it.

One can also stay married, but not forgive. Not totally healthy, but possible to do. For now at least, this is me.

Question for you -- have you forgiven him for the cheating AND for the police experience? To me they're two distinct and different things. I ask because I'm wondering if you forgave the police incident, but maybe not the cheating..... obviously I don't know; just a thought.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

2xloser said:


> Forgiving him and loving him, wanting to be with him for the rest of your life are really two separate and distinct things.
> 
> You can absolutely forgive him, but choose as mori did to still proceed with divorce. I'd wager that most people who divorce do not do so, and suffer more because of it.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Forgiveness and reconciliation are indeed two separate things that not necessarily accompany one another.

As Jellybeans said in another thread, it is not a healthy dynamic to keep anger and bitterness alive that it makes moving on impossible. Eventually it will destroy the marriage.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

It's weird, for I feel I have been starting to forgive my husband too. In fact, I spoke with him last night that I too understand his needs for joy and connection to our marriage. I told him I still love him, he is a good person, he's not the evil monster I had him out to be the past 3 months. I also spoke to him that he needs to go on his path and explore too, if it is to be it will be...

I know deep in my heart, I wont be able to love him in the way I should, and he deserves. I am ok with it, I can go it alone, I just cant go it, lonely & together...

~sammy


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## YKB (Aug 18, 2011)

Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice. I feel very supported and understood.

One of my issues is that I don’t want to talk to people close to me about what I’m going through. Except for my husband, nobody really knows what happened and how I am still struggling. Obviously, I had to tell a little bit about it to some people at my work because they saw the incident with the police. However, from the day one, I somehow kept defending my husband and told them that his affair took place a long time ago and he had changed since then and I was ok. I guess I don’t want people to worry about me or see me as a sad miserable person. I also know that those who are very close to me, such as my parents, will be hurt emotionally if they find out what he has done to me. So I would rather deal with it on my own and not hurting their feelings. I do understand that it is not healthy to keep it in myself though. So that’s why I have decided to share my story here and asked for advice. I have been considering counseling, but financially it is not easy for me. Thank you dawgfan for suggesting the book. I would like to read some books to see if they can help me.

I wish the very best to those who are going through a tough time. My thoughts are with you, and I hope someday in the near future we all will be able to just breathe and feel free and peaceful.

Sincerely,

YKB


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

I can only imagine the trauma of discovering your H's A and then the experience at your work with the police. Your H was probably in a state of shock himself that you were aware of his wrong doings and may have panicked. I believe his concern was most likely with good intentions. However, the embarrassment you must have felt going through this is probably contributing to the feelings you have for him now. 

I agree with 2xloser about forgiving him for the police incident. Have you thought about the underlying feelings it may contribute? I know part of my anger from my H's EA is the fact that I feel so stupid, ashamed and emabarrassed to be on the receiving end of such disrespect from the person most important to me. I have these feelings and this forum is as far as my story has been told. I can only imagine how I would feel if I was in your situation.

I am very early in my R, and having a difficult time with feelings of anger and unforgiveness. I have read that after infidelity the current marriage is dead. We have to first grieve over the death of that marriage, then rebuild a new one. I question if I will ever be able to live without this black cloud over my marriage. I have decided that as long as my H shows me that he is comitted to improving things then I will do whatever I can. For now, I am just trying to not dwell on things, as hard as it may be.

I think that we (you and me, and others like us) have to decide to let the old marriage go. We don't want that anyway. Most likely there were underlying issues there anyway that needed to be fixed. Our spouses aren't the same people, nor will they ever be. But if they are comitted to our marriages and making willing to do what it takes to reassure us, and put us first in every aspect of life, then in a way, they may be better for it. 

How much improvement have you seen over the last year? It seems like you want to make things work, and that your husband is comitted to improving things. Maybe you just need more time. Keep your H informed on your feelings, maybe he can help you through them. That may help to bring you closer to him if you let him in on your process.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Unless the police had a court order, to haul you off, I would be sitting in the city atty's office the next day, threatening the city, with one very large lawsuit

Your H. could not have gotten a court order, w/out some type of hearing in front of a judge, and you would have gotten notice of the hearing---I am not sure what your H. said/did---but you certainly should have made heads roll, after you were publicly humiliated!!!!!!!


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## dawgfan (Jul 22, 2011)

Hey again YKB!

I know what you mean about not having anybody to talk to. I'm sure you don't want everyone knowing your business, or your family and friends worrying about you. But, you've been through a major trauma and it's really important not to keep it bottled up. I hope you can find at least one person you can trust to confide in. 

Definitely, counseling can be hard to afford, but it's worth it if you can work something out. Some counselors are open to discussing financial arrangements. If you'd like to talk to somebody at no cost, you might try these guys out.

I just said a prayer for you, friend. Hang in there!

dawgfan


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