# let separated wife move back in?



## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

Hi All,

7 months into our separation. Wife wanted it. Last summer we moved to a neighboring state for her to take a job, I went with to support. Relationship was on the rocks but wanted to try anything to help. January rolls around and she asked for a separation. we have two small kids and we lived together until mid may. I wasn't leaving back home to MN without them. She then tells me after an argument that she thinks I should move home, and since I wont go without them that I could take them back.

Her plan was to move back to MN, once her job relocates her again this fall. Mid may I moved back to my families home to find an apartment which I'll be moving into shortly. Yesterday she asked me if she could move in with me to allow her to save money for her own apartment. I want to reconcile, however she isn't ready to commit to trying. I want to tell her that she can, because I want my kids to be able to see there mom more often then every week or two when she gets time off to drive up for 1 day. 

At the same time, I don't want to go through the 'breakup/move-out' again. Her stay with me would be a few months, enough for first months rent/deposit. I've read a lot of other peoples posts revolving around this, however none quite like mine. Out of state wife needs place to live to save money. Kids have poor access to her at the moment. Should I be selfish here and say no, or say yes, for my kids?

I should point out, that we get along ok. When she is up to visit, we try to do stuff with the kids. No fighting or animosity. This was the reason she asked me to leave. She said we fought all the time, and created a bad environment for the kids.. which I don't think we did argue much. Now she has this feeling of "I made this sacrifice so the kids could have stability".

Thanks!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This is a hard one.

She thinks that you fight all the time. You don't think that you do. So how often were the two of you fighting?

It sounds like you were not working. Do you work now? Just trying to figure out the support issues here.

If you want to try to reconcile, being together is the best way to do that. Even if she does not think that is what she wants right now her mind could be changed.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Why was the marriage on the rocks? Why did she want to separate?


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> This is a hard one.
> 
> She thinks that you fight all the time. You don't think that you do. So how often were the two of you fighting?


Personally, she works retail so she wasn't home often. It was usually just smug remarks or quips. Then more ignoring than yelling. Some days were fine, some were 'wierd', not knowing how to react towards each other. 



EleGirl said:


> It sounds like you were not working. Do you work now? Just trying to figure out the support issues here.


I did work, I was able to work from home. My company was OK with the move. I'm also the breadwinner, but not by any massive margin.



EleGirl said:


> If you want to try to reconcile, being together is the best way to do that. Even if she does not think that is what she wants right now her mind could be changed.


I want to atleast try to reconcile, but I feel like she is going to have to live on her own back here in the our home state before she feels that she can make a decision. she is living on her own in our rental we had, but she says its not the same, idk.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Personally I wouldn't consider any return to the marital home unless it included a reconciliation of the marriage.

Her boyfriend probably wouldn't like that, though.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Personally I wouldn't consider any return to the marital home unless it included a reconciliation of the marriage.
> 
> Her boyfriend probably wouldn't like that, though.


Gus....now now....tsk tsk...


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Why was the marriage on the rocks? Why did she want to separate?


After marriage, we took it for granted. I stopped doing the little things, and we both spent more time with our own friends than we did with each other. Weekends would come and we'd see each other in passing until Sunday night.

I didnt worry about it then, but now I can look back and say "holy S, did we really live like that as married couple". We didn't make time for each other. Its quite sad actually. I felt like the marriage would always be here for me.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Gus....now now....tsk tsk...


Tell me I'm wrong...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconc...better-live-apart-reconcile.html#post12634538


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Personally I wouldn't consider any return to the marital home unless it included a reconciliation of the marriage.
> 
> Her boyfriend probably wouldn't like that, though.


I was waiting for this comment to come. I do want to point out, this is not the marital home. Its an apartment that I will be moving into in a month. She is strapped for money, personal finance is NOT her strong suit. I would be doing a favor by letting her stay with me and the kids until she was able to get her own place. Part of me wants to let her, part of me doesn't. I also know that my two kids miss her dearly, and this would allow her to move back to our home state probably months sooner then she feels possible.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If the two of you did divorce, what custody arrangement would you want?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

knowfiguy said:


> After marriage, we took it for granted. I stopped doing the little things, and we both spent more time with our own friends than we did with each other. Weekends would come and we'd see each other in passing until Sunday night.
> 
> I didnt worry about it then, but now I can look back and say "holy S, did we really live like that as married couple". We didn't make time for each other. Its quite sad actually. *I felt like the marriage would always be here for me.*


And by the way... whether or not she's cheating or has cheated, this is a very dangerous mindset to have. It isn't at all conducive to a healthy, loving marriage.

You know that now, though.

Oh, and remember... the neglect went both ways.


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> If the two of you did divorce, what custody arrangement would you want?


At the end of the day, joint custody. My wife is a great parent, and my kids love her.


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> And by the way... whether or not she's cheating or has cheated, this is a very dangerous mindset to have. It isn't at all conducive to a healthy, loving marriage.
> 
> You know that now, though.
> 
> Oh, and remember... the neglect went both ways.


Thanks Gus. Sadly, "you don't know til you know". And I do agree the neglect was a two way street.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

knowfiguy said:


> Thanks Gus. Sadly, "you don't know til you know". And I do agree the neglect was a two way street.


Did she complain about not spending enough time with you? Or were the two of you just doing your own thing and happy with that?


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

knowfiguy said:


> I was waiting for this comment to come. I do want to point out, this is not the marital home. Its an apartment that I will be moving into in a month. * She is strapped for money, personal finance is NOT her strong suit.* I would be *doing a favor* by letting her stay with me and the kids until she was able to get her own place. Part of me wants to let her, part of me doesn't. I also know that my two kids miss her dearly, and this would allow her to move back to our home state probably months sooner then she feels possible.


She chose to separate. She gets to learn all about financing a life on her own. It's tough...but its her new reality. 

Why in the H3ll would you be doing her any favors? 

Letting her move in would just set you up for manipulation like you probably haven't experienced. Not to mention extreme tension in a household...not good. 

Ask yourself, honestly, how are you going to feel about her going on dates and coming home late, having other men call her.....while she is living with you? (before you say it...I know she will TELL you that that won't happen....but it will)

You want R and she doesn't...she needs someone to pay her bills because she sucks with money...This sounds like a good idea for you...how? 

Don't do it. Don't put yourself in this position


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Did she complain about not spending enough time with you? Or were the two of you just doing your own thing and happy with that?


We were happy with doing are own thing for awhile. She would go hang out with her girlfriends just them. Sometimes invite me, but I honestly didn't want to go with and sit around with 5-6 women while they drank our went out dancing. wasn't really my thing.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

_Should I be selfish_

Explain the logic behind this please.


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

MarriedDude said:


> She chose to separate. She gets to learn all about financing a life on her own. It's tough...but its her new reality.
> 
> Why in the H3ll would you be doing her any favors?
> 
> ...


Trust me this has gone through my mind a lot. And is probably what I needed to hear from someone besides the voice in my head. Sometimes I'm too nice. If I have (it) and you need (it), I'll give (it) to you. Whether or not its in my best interests, or the impact on myself.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Tell me I'm wrong...
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconc...better-live-apart-reconcile.html#post12634538


No no...I think you're on the right track...

But we are supposed to be kinder and gentler and not jump to conclusions....


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

knowfiguy said:


> Trust me this has gone through my mind a lot. And is probably what I needed to hear from someone besides the voice in my head. Sometimes I'm too nice. If I have (it) and you need (it), I'll give (it) to you. Whether or not its in my best interests, or the impact on myself.


If you let her move in, then it would have to be a scroll...a scroll...of conditions. 

Like: 

1) You will not date other men while we are living together. 

2) You will not sleep with other men while we are living together. 

3) You will not call, text or e-mail with other men while we are living together. 

4) You will treat me with the respect I deserve while we are living together. 

5) You will respect the vows of our marriage while we are living together. 

.. and so on...


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> _Should I be selfish_
> 
> Explain the logic behind this please.


Selfish as in to my kids. They miss there mom, and tell me often. Was she selfish in asking us to leave, idk maybe.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

knowfiguy said:


> Selfish as in to my kids. They miss there mom, and tell me often. Was she selfish in asking us to leave, idk maybe.


Allowing her to move in w/o first securing a commitment to the reconciliation of your marriage will only make things all the more difficult for your children once she chooses to leave again.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

If you feel like being her daddy, supporting her while she gets on with her life which includes boyfriends, then sure.

Will she be able to have sleep overs?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> If you feel like being her daddy, supporting her while she gets on with her life which includes boyfriends, then sure.
> 
> Will she be able to have sleep overs?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Only 1 a month.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> If you feel like being her daddy, supporting her while she gets on with her life which includes boyfriends, then sure.
> 
> *Will she be able to have sleep overs?*





knowfiguy said:


> Only 1 a month.


Uhhh... what?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

knowfiguy said:


> Selfish as in to my kids. They miss there mom, and tell me often. Was she selfish in asking us to leave, idk maybe.


Now now, don't reword what you meant.

You said you might be selfish by not letting her move back in for the kids. She said leave, to be away from you and the fighting. Yet, she SELFISHLY sent the kids away as well.

Now, how are you being selfish by letting her reap what she has sown?

The answer, to me, is no.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

knowfiguy said:


> Only 1 a month.


So she wants to stay with you for one month. That way she saves one month's rent and has the down payment for an apartment.

Does she have any family in the area? how about friends?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

its one thing to be amiable in a separate still another to be a doormat. Frankly if you are willing to put her up at your apartment so she can save money for for her own apartment then i would make her work for it. Meaning the following, she needs to spend time with the kids, clean the place, cook (in other words NO FREE LUNCH) and give you a chance to go out, date, in other words MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE....if you want her to see you in the light you want then don't be a doormat...make her come to some glimpse of reality when she is on her own.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

She sounds like the selfish one. You may have been having problems, but did she address them? Did you? She should be nurturing the marriage and doing activities with YOU instead of with the gals. Plus she chose a job over her kids. Oh my.


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Uhhh... what?


I'm kidding around.


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

scatty said:


> She sounds like the selfish one. You may have been having problems, but did she address them? Did you? She should be nurturing the marriage and doing activities with YOU instead of with the gals. Plus she chose a job over her kids. Oh my.


I thought we were trying, but it never seemed like it was working. I was trying, sometimes I didn't feel like she was fully committed to putting in the work. There is always two sides to a story so I hate making assumptions about anything.

I'm still heavily leaning towards no. She made this decision, and now has to live with it.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> If you let her move in, then it would have to be a scroll...a scroll...of conditions.
> 
> Like:
> 
> ...


She would probably break every condition or rule...and if she does...what are the real consequences? None of the conditions are enforceable. Can't just kick her out...there are rules concerning eviction. 

Thats where I was going with asking him how he would feel about her doing all those things -because she most likely would...and there really isn't anything he could do about it...

NOT even to mention -should she decide to get a little mean...get in a argument..call the cops...say she's scared for her safety...BOOM..he's escorted out of the house and has a restraining order..

I just can't see ANY upside to letting her back in...at least while she is not committed to R. She would have to prove that commitment for a GOOD long while before even considering moving back in


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

knowfiguy said:


> I thought we were trying, but it never seemed like it was working. I was trying, *sometimes I didn't feel like she was fully committed to putting in the work*. There is always two sides to a story so I hate making assumptions about anything.
> 
> I'm still heavily leaning towards no. She made this decision, and now has to live with it.


When there is a doubt...There is NO doubt


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

knowfiguy, after reading what you have written here, Ima have to go with a recommendation of "NO," regarding whether or not you should let your partner move in with you.

Here's the deal. You're a really nice guy, to the point of being, well, "kind-of-not-smart."

You have gone to great lengths to be all nurturing and supportive and weak and unattractive to your wife. I mean, you have a good job. Not only do you make more money than her, but your job allows you the flexibility to move to another state for your wife's job.

Which you do.

For which your wife should be, like, supremely grateful for.

Instead, she wants you to leave and move back to the frozen eskimo colony that is MN.

She wants you to leave so badly that she tells you to take the kids with you.

Your wife is such a great mother that she is prepared to sever the bonds with her children.

To an outside observer who isn't as nice and, ahem, not-a-rocket-scientist like you, the technical term for this is "not a great mother."

And now she wants to shack up with you and let you pay her bills.

A guy with more self esteem would not be considering this, given everything else that has happened.

Yeah, okay, she's your wife, the mother of your children, who miss her more than she misses them.

A guy with a few ounces of self esteem, and who loved his wife more than is good for him would at least place some *BOUNDARIES* on the situation, almost exactly like Bandit listed out.

The problem is, as someone else noted, enforcing them.

If you were any good at boundaries, you wouldn't be in this sitch in the first place.


The basic problem is that if you let her back in now, she has suffered no consequences from her choices, which will encourage her to make worser-er choices as time goes by.

Time for therapy, young man. Learn about healthy boundaries, Have the therapist work on building up your self esteem, so that, while you remain a nice guy, you don't remain one that is taken advantage of easily.

Do this for your kids, so that you can be a better provider for them, and a better role model also.

Now go do better.


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

NotLikeYou, thank you. Your right, its completely irrational of me to even consider letting her stay with me given the decisions she has made. I always try to make excuses for her actions for myself. I still cant believe SHE would be OK with going without the kids, making the 'sacrifice' as she always words it. Which is complete BS, but I'm tired of arguing so I just ignore it. She thinks she is doing some kind of noble gesture for the kids well-being. 

I'm going to seek out a therapist in the area to help me get through the issues that I have. Now I finally get it when people say 'work on bettering yourself'. Here's my opportunity, besides going to the gym.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

......just say no.......you will re-open old wounds for you.......


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's a bad idea to let her move back in temporarily and sends the wrong message to your children. Don't do it.


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