# An update and some thoughts



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

As many of you know in addition to posting on TAM I also work with people in real life who need help and advice regarding relationships. For almost a year I have been attempting to help a woman deal with her marriage and personal relationship issues. I have posted in a few threads about her and have had PM conversations with some of you as well. I've started this thread not only to provide an update but to show new posters and old lurkers what can be accomplished when you're a nice person that has been dealt a bad blow but has taken charge and taken necessary steps to regain control.

The short background is that this woman who we'll call Jane has been married for 27 years. Her husband was often crude and somewhat abrasive but she loved him anyway and their relationship while it had its ups and downs worked on some level and they were relatively happy. That all began to change a couple of years ago. He started pulling away, became more and more emotionally abusive until she began to search for help to save her marriage. That is when I met her. During our conversations I noted several red flags that to me indicated that he was putting his emotional energy into another person. As she insisted that he didn't have time for a full blown affair I attempted to explain to her what an emotional affair was and had hope that things were still salvageable. Those hopes were dashed when after several months she obtained proof that her husband was indeed having a full blown affair...WITH HER SISTER.

Now normally I do not advocate exposure if the end goal is divorce but in this case I advised Jane to go full on nuclear exposure with anyone and everyone she could. At first she was hesitant but she soon realized that it was a necessary step for her to be able to take control of her life and end the cycle of codependency and guilt she was feeling. She also decided that she could no longer stay in the apartment they were living in and promptly moved out but not before informing the landlord of what her husband had done. The end result of this exposure was that her husband lost his family, lost his job, lost his home and was generally ostracized from the family and the circle of friends they socialized with. He ended up moving in with the sister since she had also been cut off by all family and friends. Since everyone shunned them the exposure had essentially driven them together.

Jane was not happy at this point but I reassured her that their union would not last because as we all know solid relationships cannot be built upon rotten foundations. I advised Jane to get into counseling to deal with her codependency issues and to help her heal from the abuse she had endured during the last few years of her marriage. She did and after a few months of therapy she felt confident enough to go out socializing again. She met a man and all indications are that things are going extremely well for them. Jane has also decided to go back to school to finish the degree that she started before she had her first child. As for the husband, he's not doing so well. Jane's sister kicked him out a couple of months ago and he is staying in a rooming house with a guy he met recently. He still doesn't have a steady job and his prospects are few and far between since his old boss was also betrayed by a cheating wife and has put the word out. Jane's sister has attempted to contact members of the family but has been rebuked every time. She is now a very lonely sad individual. We joked that she might as well start collecting cats since they are the only option she will have for friends for the foreseeable future.

Now I am not posting this to receive any pats on the back. On the contrary I didn't really do anything - Jane did it all. I just want people to realize that when something like this happens don't sit back and let life walk all over you. Take charge, take action and do the things that are necessary to get yourself back on solid footing. I know its scary and sometimes it will be painful but this is YOUR LIFE. Don't let anyone run it for you.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

As fun as it was to watch these two clowns go down with the ship, the important part is she's now free of the hell she was in and the stagnation that went with it.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Great outcome for Jane, bfree. I am sure you were more instrumental to her healing than you give yourself credit for.

Great read - especially for many recent posters here struggling with similar situations. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> As fun as it was to watch these two clowns go down with the ship, the important part is she's now free of the hell she was in and the stagnation that went with it.


Yes, we spent many days and nights crying. My wife was awesome as well giving her encouragement and providing positive support and feedback. It's so good to see her actually smile now. She's so much stronger and more resolute that even if she once again faced adversity she would handle it with confidence and grace.


PhillyGuy13 said:


> Great outcome for Jane, bfree. I am sure you were more instrumental to her healing than you give yourself credit for.
> 
> Great read - especially for many recent posters here struggling with similar situations. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Glad Jane was able to take charge and navigate her way into a better place. Too often the BS accepts the shame and blame shifting and is embarrassed to expose. I've seen it with friends in a couple different support groups. But once convinced to expose, not a single one has regretted it. They all received overwhelming support from family and friends, and eventually wound up wondering why they feared exposure so much in the first place.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The affair with the sister probably wasn't his first time as a Clown in the infidelity rodeo.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> The affair with the sister probably wasn't his first time as a Clown in the infidelity rodeo.


I suspect that as well Matt.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

bfeee, I have no sympathy for the sister but I do believe that your friend would be best serve if she made peace with her but only IF and only IF the sister shows true remorse for her betrayal.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Dogbert said:


> bfeee, I have no sympathy for the sister but I do believe that your friend would be best serve if she made peace with her but only IF and only IF the sister shows true remorse for her betrayal.


Maybe someday dogbert. But she's still much too vulnerable for that now. At this point she prefers to just ignore her. And frankly I'm not sure if the sister is truly remorseful or just has a lot of regret. I talked to Jane's mother and it seems to me that Jane's sister is more upset that she's not welcome back in the family than what she did to Jane.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Jane has also decided to go back to school to finish the degree that she started before she had her first child.


A crises can be a motivator to do something very positive that you other wise would not do. Jane can wind up a LOT better than she was with the cheater.

Jane is lucky that she had a husband and wife team like bfree and his wife to assist her.

bfree, if you want keep us posted from time to time


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

So sad, but so glad you were able to help her. Hallelujah!


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