# Best way to approach cheating suspicions?



## Birdie99 (May 31, 2012)

I've been married a few years, been together since we were very young. Husband is verbally abusive, nothing too awful, even though I know any form of abuse is awful... I just mean, it doesn't happen every day, only a few times per week maybe, some name calling and the classic "you're so stupid" every now and then. Either way, it does destroy my self esteem when I hear it.

Anyway... this isn't about that. I know that's bad and I'm trying to get help to deal with it.

My gut feeling is that he's been cheating on my with a mutual friend of ours for at least a year. I think it's more emotional, and I honestly don't know if they've slept together, but I read something he told someone in a text that insinuated that he and this girl did something physical, although it was cryptic. It is highly possible that it was just bragging, and not true, but I have had this feeling about the two of them for a long time, and this is the first time I've seen any kind of "proof" of my suspicions... be it small and maybe untrue. In the process of reading that text, I saw several other "flirty" texts with coworkers and other friends of his, although I really don't think anything physical came of those. He has admitted to one occassion since we've been married when he "just kissed someone" and it was some girl I don't know at a party. Who knows if there wasn't more to it... and that was about 2 years ago. He also confessed to sleeping with someone else about 5 years into our relationship... well before our marriage. Which I forgave him for.

I know he doesn't respect me. The verbal abuse confirms that. So my question isn't really "is he cheating?" Because I'm pretty sure he is.

My question is.... How do I confront him so that he tells the truth? I don't want to use the "I saw your texts" approach, because I don't want him to know I spied... I basically just want to ask him on the basis of my "feeling" about it. I think he'd buy that... but I think I want a man's opinion on that. Or a woman's who has been in a similar situation. He also has a temper, obviously, so I want to approach this carefully as to not upset him too much.

Bottom line, I don't feel that I'm strong enough yet to leave him for his verbal abuse. But I do feel that if he confesses to cheating, I will feel more confident to leave, and feel that it's less my fault. I know the abuse isn't my fault. But I also know that he would just make my life worse if he thought I was leaving him because of it.

I need him to know that I know he's messed up. He doesn't see the verbal abuse. He doesn't realize how much it hurts me no matter how much I tell him. Him having cheated on me, and knowing that I know about it.... THAT he will understand. And it would make the whole ordeal so much easier to handle.

Please help. In any way you can. I'll take any advice you've got. Thanks.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

You'll get good advice from others about how to confirm the cheating.

I'm going to talk to you about the rest of your post -- you need some counseling ASAP. Saying that being verbally abused only a few times a week isn't so bad -- that's a sign that you've been beaten way too far down. You need to get some support for yourself, and that's aside from any evidence of cheating.

OK? Will you think about that?


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## Birdie99 (May 31, 2012)

yes, I've been to counseling for depression, anxiety, been on meds in the past... I'm comfortable and familiar with counseling, and I know that I need to go back for this. I've been without health insurance for about 7 months, and am getting it back in about a month, and my plan is to go back to counseling as soon as my coverage begins. Thank you.


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## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

I just ask MH point blank 1 day, he laughed at me but the next day came clean about everything.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Can you explain a little bit why you want to stay married with a verbally abusive person?

I wouldn't be so sure he'd "understand" that you shouldn't accept cheating.

Are you trying to leave the marriage? Is this why you're hoping to catch him?


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## Birdie99 (May 31, 2012)

Yes, I'm hoping to catch him so that it will be easier to leave. I just don't feel strong enough to leave him unless he knows it's "his fault"...... he doesn't understand the abuse as being his fault. But he has admitted to cheating in the past and ackowledges it as completely his fault... and I 100% regret not leaving him then. But that's in the past, so I need to focus on the future, and how I can get out now.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

But Birdie, you'll still trying to abdicate responsibility for your own life.

You are strong enough. Once you catch him, he'll have another million excuses for why it's not his fault. Will that make you stronger?

Talk to your counselor about why you don't feel capable to make decisions for your own life. You're not happy, you want to leave, but you are waiting for him to decide for you? A person who demonstrably does not have your best interests at heart?

Think about it. You are stronger than you know.


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## Birdie99 (May 31, 2012)

I don't think I'll ever feel strong enough. I know there are other issues here. I know that the abuse is reason enough to leave. But I also know HIM. He will make me feel guilty for leaving him if it's "my decision" because of the abuse. He won't make me feel guilty if it's because he's cheated. I know him. Like I said, I know I need to get help for myself. I know that. I need advice on how to best approach him regarding the cheating. Thanks all.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Look, for once I must side with Iamaga. You really need to work on yourself and find out why you are accepting abuse of any kind.

I totally disagree with asking your husband. Are you nuts! Do you really think someone who you believe is dishonest enough to have an affair with a mutual friend is likely to tell the truth? Once you raise your suspicions to him, he will be even more careful. 

If he is using the computer, put a keylogger on it. If it is the phone: what kind is it? A voice activated recorder (VAR) under the seat of his car may also reveal much and are cheap at local electronics stores. Attache it to the bottom of the est with heavy Velcro. Cheaters commonly talk freely on the phone while in the cocoon of their car. Also check the cell phone bill for who he is calling and texting.

Sorry you are here. Good luck.


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## Birdie99 (May 31, 2012)

Again, I am well aware of my own problems... that stem from somewhere far beyond him. I know all this. Father issues, blah blah... I know I need tons of help to ever feel whole and healthy again. Thanks for the advice on the tracking... I don't know what a keylogger is, but I'll look into it. Thanks again.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

KanDo..."for once"? So I'm <i>that</i> horrible? 

Birdie, he cannot make you feel guilty. Repeat that after me about 10,000 times. He cannot make you feel guilty. He cannot make you feel anything. You are choosing to feel that way.

But anyway, lots of help on cheating here, if people aren't responding, go to the Coping with Infidelity section and check out some of the links. And good luck. Please do keep posting -- we don't mean to be so blunt, but it is good sometimes to be challenged -- as you know if you've been in counseling.


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## MiriRose (Mar 12, 2012)

Hi Birdie, I'm sorry you suspect your husband is being unfaithful. It's good to hear that you're planning on starting counseling again soon. As you consider how to best approach your husband, you might want to check out an article from Focus on the Family's website called "Should I Confront My Spouse?" While this article is geared toward those that suspect their spouse is involved in inappropriate internet activity, it might be helpful to you. I also encourage you to read "The Warning Signs of an Affair" and a Q&A on verbal abuse. I work at Focus, and we hear from a lot of people facing situations that are similar to yours. Please be encouraged that there is hope for your marriage! I pray that things improve in your life. God bless you.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Miri, as I've said before, I really wish you would disclose that Focus on the Family is primarily concerned with proselytizing. Not everyone is Christian, and it's not fair to let people get blindsided.


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## Birdie99 (May 31, 2012)

Thanks lamaga..... no, I'm not Christian. So thanks for the warning. I know you all are trying to help. And believe me, even if you are "strangers" I DO need to hear all this. There are very few people in my life who don't also know and are friends with us both, so it's difficult to talk to friends and family. I just don't have too much familial support anyway. I have been pushed down and broken for so long that I often do forget how strong I once was. And yes, I also know that he can't MAKE me feel anything... but you know it feels that way to me sometimes.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

It does, indeed. I've been there myself, which is why I'm pushing you so hard.

And you can talk to us anytime. Feel free to PM me if you need to.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

You are in a marriage. Spying in my opinion is warranted if there are signs of cheating. Some folks look at spying as wrong in a marriage. They tend to be young and have been taught that privacy is important. I believe that privacy in a marriage is bonk. Yea there are private things but overall privacy in a marriage should be thrown out the window.

Very few cheaters will come clean with a simple confrontation of any kind. You will see many of us (me included) had to play hardball. Use all kinds of technology, etc. I don't know your husband but few cheaters will tell you that they are cheating.

Most of us here will tell you to spy on him using keyloggers, VARs, GPS, etc. Yes it is a new world for you. VAR - voice activated recorder. You can become part P.I. part lie detector, etc.

How much detail do you want to know? 

If you want to know you will have to keep things under wraps and try to act normal.

Sorry you are here. Hugs.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

you need additional motivation to leave someone who regularly abuses you and has a confirmed history of cheating on you? 

You suspect he's sleeping with at least one other _friend_ of yours? but you still need confirmation to prove it's his fault your leaving him? 

*Read that again.*


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Why would you feel guilty about anything he says to you when you tell him you want a divorce? Why would that affect you in any way? Are you against divorce for religious reasons?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

iheartlife said:


> Why would you feel guilty about anything he says to you when you tell him you want a divorce? Why would that affect you in any way? Are you against divorce for religious reasons?


My bet, No. It has nothing to do with religous beliefs or values, it has everything to do with a the Narcissitic/Co-Dependant Dynamic.


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## Birdie99 (May 31, 2012)

Yes, I am dependent on him. I feel that I won't make it on my own. I've been with him almost all my life and he has essentially created the illusion that I cannot survive without him in order to keep me from leaving. Yes, I know all this. I'm not ignorant and I know what is going on. Does that make it any easier for me to actually leave? No. Do I know what I have to do, and what I should have done long ago? Yes. I would divorce him in a minute. I'm afraid. He's taken over so much of me that I honestly think that unless he realizes that he's done this one thing, he will not accept that I'm leaving him. I want it to be a break that he can't talk his way out of or blame one bit on me. When he verbally abuses me, he doesn't know he's doing it. When I bring it up, he denies that it's "that bad" even though I know it is. He blames it on me, saying that I "don't do this... don't do that..." etc... but him cheating on me is something he CANNOT blame on me. I know this all might not make sense to any of you. I'm not just dealing with a cheater. I'm dealing with an abuser who has felt like he's controlled me for over a decade. So yeah, I'm scared. And I'm looking forward to the day I'm free. So thank you to you all for the advice on how to catch him...... now if you can give me some advice on how to approach him once I've got proof... that would be great. Thanks.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> you need additional motivation to leave someone who regularly abuses you and has a confirmed history of cheating on you?
> 
> You suspect he's sleeping with at least one other _friend_ of yours? but you still need confirmation to prove it's his fault your leaving him?
> 
> *Read that again.*


This. Frankly, you don't even NEED a reason to divorce your spouse. It's a free country. You don't want to be married anymore - divorce. I realize you are dependent - this is the real issue. Don't make it about having a good enough reason. You already have that.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

How to approach him, hmmm. What do you want? Sounds like you want to D him even if he isn't in an A. Am I reading this correctly? You would leave him even if he did not cheat on you if you could?

If you want a D and you get evidence of an A, file for D, keep it quiet from him and have him served at work. Don't give him any information.

If you want to R exposing the A to everyone that is of interest is where I would start.


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## Birdie99 (May 31, 2012)

Yes, I want to divorce him, regardless of an affair. But I want him to know this was his fault. I want him to suffer. That sounds so mean and awful, but it's how I feel. I want him to know he screwed it all up. I just thought of something, but I want to get everyone's opinion.....

The "friend" I think he cheated with broke up with her boyfriend about a year ago. She and my H are no longer friends with this ex on facebook, but I am. I never knew why they broke up, and in fact, as I recall, my H might have said something to me about her ex having cheated, and that's why they broke up. I'm very tempted to ask him if he knows anything. We're not like, really good friends, so I don't know if he'd tell me, or if he knows anything... and I don't know that he wouldn't tell someone else that I asked..... what do you all think?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, Birdie, you know what I think. I think you are obsessing on unimportant details and gossip because it's easier than facing the truth, which is that you want to leave your husband.

It's ok. Sounds like I'd want to leave him, too.


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## Encore DT (May 29, 2012)

Sounds to me like you can benefit from working on your self esteem. Why do you feel that you're "not strong enough"? Are you sure his verbal abuse does not hurt your self esteem?

As for catching him cheating, if you have to work on "catching" him, that is already a very bad sign.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I know someone who is a really nice, kind person. Her husband was an RSM in the British Army.

He never physically hurt her, but for their entire marriage he would bully her and belittle her to such an extent that she was beginning to be almost completely unable to function if he was not around, when he was deployed away from home for a while.

She had discussed these issues with him, but he told her she was just being stupid.

One day she broke down in tears at work, and a young male colleague started chatting to her. This developed into an EA which, over time became a PA.

She left her husband and four years later is still seeing her boyfriend.

She confided in my wife and I that if she hadn't left when she did she was heading for a breakdown. And the positive changes in her (we met her when she bought her house next to ours) over that four years has been nothing short of remarkable.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Don't confront until you have solid proof, he will only deny it. Even if you do get proof he still may deny it.

What else is he doing??

You shouldn't tolerate how her treats you, him cheating or not.. That is enough grounds to leave him as it is.


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