# No sexual desire for wife



## salRoma (Oct 10, 2013)

Hello everybody, first time here but I needed some advice and found this page.
As expressed in the title, I am having an issue with no sexual desire for my wife. We have been together for about 7 years and married for 6. We got married right out of high school and had a baby 7 months later (I know you can do math). Now both of us are 24 and I just have no attraction to her anymore. Most of the time I can't even stand to be around her. She complains and puts me down all the time, she doesn't take care of herself hygienically, and, to round it all off, I caught her having a "phone sex affair" a number of months back. We have 2 children together and I don't want to tear apart the family but I just don't know what to do.
We did go see separate therapists after I caught her in the affair. She went first and her therapist told her that couples counseling wasn't useful and that she didn't do anything that bad but she just had to work on herself. Mine told me, after a few sessions, that it was going to be a waste of time trying to make the marriage work. She suggested I go on anti-anxiety medication to help me make a decision because I have pretty heavy anxiety issues. 
I really didn't feel like I got any help from them at all and just need some advice.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

What's your wife's excuse for not maintaining cleanliness. Does she believe the therapist to said that's what she did wasn't that bad? Is there any way to verify that she's being honest with what the therapist actually said? Does your wife want to work on the marriage? If so what contribution toward repairing things is she willing to make?

The way you started your post I was ready to give you a hard time but with the further details I'd say that your therapist might actually be correct that there's no salvaging things unless your wife is willing to make some major changes to accept responsibility for what she has done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sounds like the therapists were more harm than good.

Has your wife stopped in the phone sex affair?

It sounds like neither of you are getting your needs met so your marriage is going down hill.

Get the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". Reading them will help you more than months of counseling. After you read them, ask your wife to read them. A good way to do this is for the two of you to take turns reading them aloud to each other and then discuss each chapter and do the work they say to do. The feelings of love and attraction can be rebuilt.

Also, you need to start working to improve yourself. Workout, find hobbies, etc. You will feel better.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> What's your wife's excuse for not maintaining cleanliness. Does she believe the therapist to said that's what she did wasn't that bad? Is* there any way to verify that she's being honest with what the therapist actually said?* Does your wife want to work on the marriage? If so what contribution toward repairing things is she willing to make?
> 
> The way you started your post I was ready to give you a hard time but with the further details I'd say that your therapist might actually be correct that there's no salvaging things unless your wife is willing to make some major changes to accept responsibility for what she has done.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: If the therapist said that ,your wife probably lied to them about how far it went or she is lying to you about what the therapist said. Or the therapist just sucks. :scratchhead:

OP, the no sex desire is probably due to the cheating situation never being really worked. what kind of therapist did you see? counselors? psychologist? a church leader?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Is your wife depressed? Does she have a life outside of the home? Or does she sit around all day feeling sorry for herself and blame you for her sorry lot in life?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## salRoma (Oct 10, 2013)

She tells me that she wants to work on it and breaks into tears every time the affair comes up. As far as the cleanliness goes, she's just lazy about it. She doesn't touch the laundry and throws fits about me doing it wrong every time I try to do it for her, she refuses to get out of bed for work until it's far too late to take a shower or anything. I really don't understand it at all. Whenever she tries to initiate sex I'm turned off by bad breath or general body odor and then she gets mad if I suggest we take a shower or something first. I understand that she gets mad if I say something about it but I really don't think I should have to, I make sure to keep myself very clean even if it means 2 or 3 showers some days.
On top of that, she doesn't like taking care of the kids and I have to all the time. She's told me that if we get divorced that she wants me to have custody of the kids even if she has to payout because of it (I have a pretty decent job and am finally taking college courses again but she does make more money). 
I understand that she doesn't like to do things when she gets home, she works hard... but that's part of being an adult. Last semester I was pushing 15 credit hours and working full time and I was still able to make sure that the house was picked up and the kids were taken care of.


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## salRoma (Oct 10, 2013)

mablenc said:


> :iagree: If the therapist said that ,your wife probably lied to them about how far it went or she is lying to you about what the therapist said. Or the therapist just sucks. :scratchhead:
> 
> OP, the no sex desire is probably due to the cheating situation never being really worked. what kind of therapist did you see? counselors? psychologist? a church leader?


I think that she wasn't truthful with the therapist. We both saw psychologists. Sometimes I feel like she lies to me as well. I was unfortunate to find the messages on the phone (yes I was snooping but I just felt like something was up) and the text messages sure made it sound like it wasn't just on the phone but she insists that it was. I am pretty sure that it has stopped now but there's no way to be certain.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

salRoma said:


> She tells me that she wants to work on it and breaks into tears every time the affair comes up. As far as the cleanliness goes, she's just lazy about it. She doesn't touch the laundry and throws fits about me doing it wrong every time I try to do it for her, she refuses to get out of bed for work until it's far too late to take a shower or anything. I really don't understand it at all. Whenever she tries to initiate sex I'm turned off by bad breath or general body odor and then she gets mad if I suggest we take a shower or something first. I understand that she gets mad if I say something about it but I really don't think I should have to, I make sure to keep myself very clean even if it means 2 or 3 showers some days.
> On top of that, she doesn't like taking care of the kids and I have to all the time. She's told me that if we get divorced that she wants me to have custody of the kids even if she has to payout because of it (I have a pretty decent job and am finally taking college courses again but she does make more money).
> I understand that she doesn't like to do things when she gets home, she works hard... but that's part of being an adult. Last semester I was pushing 15 credit hours and working full time and I was still able to make sure that the house was picked up and the kids were taken care of.


How old are the children?

Your wife sounds like she has depression. See if you can get her to a doctor to have her evaluated.

Have you just sat her down when nothing sexual is in the air and told her that her lack of hygiene is turning you off... not her but her stinky breath and BO? 

I assume that she was not like this when you dated and married her. So when did she start to go down hill?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Is this someone she knows in real life? 

From now on don't do anything for her. Don't do her laundry don't pick iup after her. If she leaves a message in the room tell her to clean it up. Don't ask her tell her. 
She really doesn't sound like she wants to be married. Have you asked her why she wants to stay married? In my opinion it would be nothing wrong if you were to give her a date by which she needs to get her act together or you will file for divorce. Did she doesn't sound like much of a mother I'm not sure that you would really be breaking up your family. More like it you'd be losing dead week. ght.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

This is a great thread to read in your situation

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## salRoma (Oct 10, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Sounds like the therapists were more harm than good.
> 
> Has your wife stopped in the phone sex affair?
> 
> ...


I really don't think she'll go through steps like that with me. I am trying to get myself back into hobbies, I try to workout pretty often but I work a pretty physical job so I'm sore and tired out a lot of the time. I've started writing again as well, I've actually been published twice since the affair came to light and that definitely helps me feel better. She doesn't support that hobby at all though and says it's a waste of time even though I've been recognized by a pretty elite fiction magazine and my goal is to have a career in it. She just wants me to finish up my Finance degree as quickly as possible so I can get a better job. I understand that that's what I was all about when we met in high school, but that's just not what I am anymore.


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## testr72 (Jan 15, 2013)

Bad hygiene, doesnt take care of the kids, had an affair...you really want to stay with someone like that>? On top of that therapy wasnt succesful
You are only 24 years old, dont waste your life here. You dont want to end up being in your 40s or older and having huge regrets. Time to let her go, find someone else.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

salRoma said:


> I really don't think she'll go through steps like that with me.


Then read the books yourself and learn from them. You can bring the things you learn from them into your marriage.

Over time, if she starts to get to a better place you might be able to get her to read the books and work on what the book talks about.


salRoma said:


> I am trying to get myself back into hobbies, I try to work out pretty often but I work a pretty physical job so I'm sore and tired out a lot of the time.


Often when a person has a job that is pretty physical is stresses their body in a particular way, over using some muscles and stressing a few particular joints. Perhaps you could get a few sessions with a trainer who will help you develop a workout program that helps to alleviate the physical stress from your job.



salRoma said:


> I've started writing again as well, I've actually been published twice since the affair came to light and that definitely helps me feel better. She doesn't support that hobby at all though and says it's a waste of time even though I've been recognized by a pretty elite fiction magazine and my goal is to have a career in it. She just wants me to finish up my Finance degree as quickly as possible so I can get a better job. I understand that that's what I was all about when we met in high school, but that's just not what I am anymore.


Were you paid for the stories that were published? I the lack of financial compensation part of her objection?

How many hours a week do you and your wife spending doing date-like things together, just the two of you?


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## salRoma (Oct 10, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> How old are the children?
> 
> Your wife sounds like she has depression. See if you can get her to a doctor to have her evaluated.
> 
> ...


It probably started right after we had the first child. At that point I was looking at a full ride scholarship and she was looking at being a possible Olympic candidate after taking gold in Tae Kwon Do nationals. I ended up losing the scholarship because I had to work to much to attend and after having the baby she wasn't able to compete until she got back into shape and it just kind of got sidelined.

Now we're 24 and both feel rather mediocre, although I'm sure by most standards we've been pretty successful. 

They have been paid, it's just not as much as a guarantee as the degree. I do realize that of course, which is why I am back in school and doing well. Sometimes the finances aren't there and I've had to take semesters off so it's just not going as quickly as she'd like.


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## salRoma (Oct 10, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Then read the books yourself and learn from them. You can bring the things you learn from them into your marriage.
> 
> Over time, if she starts to get to a better place you might be able to get her to read the books and work on what the book talks about.
> 
> ...


We go on an official date night every other week and have most evenings by ourselves although she's not really there on those nights. Date nights usually go pretty well though.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

salRoma said:


> We go on an official date night every other week and have most evenings by ourselves although she's not really there on those nights. Date nights usually go pretty well though.


A couple needs to spend at least 15 hours a week doing date-like things together, just the two of you. The book "His Needs, Her Needs" talks about this in detail. With out this time together, the passion between you will fade. And it can be rebuilt by spending the time. So that's the good news.

Your wife sounds depressed. She might have falling into depression after the first child was born and never fully come out of it.


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

This sounds pretty normal for when the rush of glory days fades and the realities of life set in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Just to clarify something.. you shower at least 2 or 3 times a day, and you do all the laundry, make sure things are picked up, things are done a certain way?

The suggestion for anxiety meds... what came out of that? Do you have anxiety? Have you ever been dx for OCD?


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