# Husband doesnt want to make love to me, I wish I was never born.



## frustratedwife (Oct 19, 2009)

I am so miserable, sad and confused with my marriage, that honestly I dont know whether its worth staying in it or getting a divorce.?

My husband and I will be celebrating our 1st anniversary in February. We have been together for nearly 3 years. Personally I believe our relationship was doomed to begin with and that it has gotten worse over time. My Husband seems to be oblivious to our problems and when I try to talk to him about him, its like its going through one ear and out the other. 

Our problems are in the bedroom and with communication. I'm in my early 30's and he will be 40 this year. He has erection problems or so he claims, which causes alot of stress in our relationship. I dont know what to say, or where to begin, I am just so confused and lost. I really feel like ending my own life at times, because when he ignores me it hurts more then a knife slicing through me.

I have never been sexually active in my life. One was because I came from a very controlling and unloving family. Two, I was brought up to believe that sex should only happen in marriage, and I only ever had a sexual relationship with my ex fiance before I met and married my husband. So for me I have been waiting to get married to enjoy a happy and healthy sex life with my husband.

My husband has been very sexually active before he met me. He had 8x women before me that he has told me about. 2x women he has sons with and has nothing to do with either boy, except for paying child support for the youngest one.

I dont know if I should tell you all the problems we've had since the beginning or not.? But I'll just focus on the ones that are the most frustrating at the present.

I feel that I married a different man. When we were first together he was like a sexual maniac. 2-3 times a week, I thought I was in heaven. lol. I know the lust doesnt stay in a relationship for long but I had hoped that we would be having a romantic relationship for more then a month at least.?

As soon as we moved state a month after we met, he changed into a different person. He didnt kiss me as much anymore, didnt make love to me, or touch me anymore. I put it down to the move, shortness of cash, finding a place to stay, getting a new job, ect.

6 months later it was getting worse. He doesnt like to kiss, says it hurts his throat and that it makes him choke. Said he has erection problems and not in the mood to make love anymore. Says he was never very sexually interested to begin with. (although he told me more then enough times how he use to make love 4x times a day to his ex - the one who is the mother of his youngest son)

I ask him if he doesnt find me attractive anymore.? He says he is very attractive to me just that his penis doesnt work anymore) This is not completely true. When I stroke him gently he *does *get hard, which is why he doesnt like me to touch him down there, because then he wont have the excuse of not being able to get an erection.

We have been to the doctors, who gave him medication. He took it a few times and complained that it didnt work and only gave him a headache. He was suppose to take the tablet 30 minutes before making love and during that time he was suppose to rest and kiss and cuddle with me to get the reaction. Instead he plays computer games and watches tv instead of cuddling with me, so of course the tablets wont work.

We go to the doctors again and get a prescription for Viagra. Cost too much money so he doesnt buy it, yet we have money to waste on pizza and dvd's, and I think our relationship needs the Viagra more then junk food.? 

I ask him if he could at least do other things with me sexually if he can not do intercourse.? He just doesnt want to. Because he says that twice before, he used a dildo on me and I complained that it hurt, so now he doesnt want to use toys on me. 

It hurt because he treasts my vagina like a slab of cement and rammed the dildo in like a you would a metal stake in concret!. He is not gentle with it so of course its going to hurt me. 

I asked if he could do other things, but again he's not interested. He flatly refused to give oral sex. Says he doesnt like it so wont do it. Yet I give him oral sex and I let him do anal on me (he is a butt guy) even though I'm not very fond of having it done to me. 

When I tell him this and that I am happy to do this because I love him and want to make him happy, he's response to me is always, "Well I never force you to do it". Might as well just slap me in the face. I do it because I love him and to pleasure him makes me happy as well. I know you cant force anyone to do something they dont want to but he doesnt even want to try.?

He doesnt like to kiss, he doesnt like foreplay, he doesnt like giving oral sex, he doesnt like porn, he doesnt like lingerie, he doesnt like using sex talk, he doesnt like me touching him on his balls or penis, he doesnt like sex, and because he is not interested, then I have to shut up and suffer as well.!

I can tell you it is driving me crazy, because I am so frustrated and confused and upset. Every time I have summed up the courage to ask him to make love to me he has rejected me. Every time for the last 3x years. How does that make me feel.? Unwanted. Unloved. Undesirable.

He says he doesnt feel like a man because he cant get it up, which I can more then understand, but he doesnt understand, that by him constantly rejecting me and ignoring me, doesnt make me feel like much of a woman either.?

After our last major fight last week, I asked him if he can at least say, "_honey, I would love to make love to you, but I'm not in the mood tonight because I'm tired_" or something to that effect so that at least I'm not just getting the silent ignoring treatment. After gaining courage to say to him that I would like to make love to him a few days ago,he straight away used the sentence to reject me yet again. 

I can never come up to him to initiate sex because he constantly rejects me and its hurting me so much that I cry on a daily basis, I feel useless, I feel stupid and ugly and I feel that my feelings or needs and desires are not important. 

I already feel useless as he is the main money maker, now since I am on a disability pension and when we married it was heavily reduced. I dont like him being stuck with all the bills and burden. And I'm trying to help out as much as I can with money. I asked him if he wants me to do the budgeting but he doesnt want to. I've got to admit that he is very generious with his money and he buys me things without a second thought. But he is very stingy with his love and affection and that is what I need from him more then all the material items in the world. I tell him this but it doesnt get through to him. 

I feel like a total B*tch wanting him to make love to me as I know he works hard and is tired or in pain(we both suffer back problems) ect, and I understand and try to be good about it, but I cant help it when I feel aroused and want to be able to love him and am not allowed to.? Yet he always expects me to be available when he is in the mood. To me that is not fair, as I thought a marriage is suppose to work both ways.? That you do for your partner and your partner does for you.? I could understand him refusing me now and then, but continuiously for 3 years.?

He works in age care and has 3x days off one week and 2x days off the other week. I try not to ask him for sex when he is working as I know he is tired after work but he still refuses me on his days off too, so I cant win no matter what I do.?

We've been to 2 councilors already with no success. They both said that he is just plain lazy in a relationship. And doesnt want to do anything to improve our marriage. So we quit going to them after only a visit.

My husband has a silver tongue. He can charm his way out of anything, and he also can find an excuse or a loop hole out of any situation. Which is extremely infuriating at times, because no matter what I say or suggest he has an excuse for it.

I feel like I'm suffocating. Even now, I feel like I cant breathe, and I'm crying and feeling alone because this last week, he has been going to bed early and not spending any time with me. He's kisses have gotten fewer, he doesnt cuddle with me anymore. I ask him if he has someone else he says no, he loves me and only me. I believe he loves me but I dont understand why he doesnt want to love me romantically, physically.? 

Why did he marry me if he hates sex so much.? He knew I needed affection, and wanted a sexual relationship from the very start so its not like I sprung it on him.? He told me that after we were Married he would become more sexual because then I would be his wife, yet our love life is worse now then it ever was. We've been married almost a year, for 8 months I have been sleeping on the couch. We dont share a bed together anymore. Why..? Because he snores extremely loud and grinds his teeth madly. He also falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow, so he doesnt even at least cuddle me for a minute before falling asleep.

We want to have children, and we both were suppose to get tested to make sure we are able to have them. I've been for my tests, yet he wont go for his sperm test. He got a referral, lost it conveniately and waited 3 months before getting another referral. He has it now and its been 9 months and still he is not going for the sperm test. 

I'm really giving up with our marriage. I think of divorce on a daily basis, which I dont really want to do as both of us come from divorced homes. I'm not the kind of woman that men fall over their own feet to get a date with, as I am shy and quiet and dont go to bars, or clubs ect.

I can not stand being in a relationship like this. I am depressed on a daily basis. I just want to scream and cry cause I hurt so much in side. I truely do love my husband, he is kind and funny and he is caring when he wants to be. I want to give him so much love and do so much for him. Why does he not want me.? Why am I so horrible to love.?

I really wish I was dead, then I dont have to worry about hurting anymore or being rejected. All my life I've been rejected by those I love and now I'm married to another person who rejects me. I know I'm not perfect either, no one is truely perfect, but I ask for so little from my husband.

I just want to be loved like a woman.


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

Well I made it through your long post for the most part... 

Sorry for your problems, it sounds much more deep then just denying you sex. There's a lack of any kind of intimacy and it's hard to know both sides here but if what you're saying is true this has been going on a long time, he is well aware of it and he's doing nothing to resolve the situation. 

In my opinion you have way too many issues to work out before worrying about having kids. That should be way off your radar until and unless you repair your relationship. 

Have you asked him if he wants to be married? You've been married a short time and if things don't change now do not expect them to after many more years. 

I'm really not sure what advice I can offer you, you've already tried the counselling and if he isn't willing to see the problem or doesn't care if there is a problem from your perspective and do some work to fix it then you won't accomplish much. Unfortunately it takes two as they say. 

Maybe someone else will chime in with something helpful but it might be time for an ultimatum. Let him know that you're unhappy and you can't live like this for the rest of your life. If he doesn't want to fix it then you have to decide if you want to stay in your situation or leave...

Good luck.


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## x2startermom (Jan 8, 2010)

my hubby and I have talked about something like that.
and I have to say I asked him what he wants from me.
and he told me he wants me to be his slave willing to do what ever his mind has for me and be willing to do so.
I did agree to do that for a short while but as time goes on I find it to be more meaningful in our relationship


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## jgn2112fletch (Feb 5, 2010)

frustratedwife...do not...do NOT have children until this is resolved. And if you cannot resolve it through communication, through counseling, I hate to say it, but I'd leave while the marriage is "young." sorry to be quick on the draw with the "D" word, but I'm kinda in your situation too with my wife. she has ZERO interest in sex...and furthermore she finds no need or desire to take care of any of my sexual needs. in fact she claims i have issues. hmmm...lets see...we never have sex and i'm frustrated because i feel completely rejected and never, not once in 8 years of marriage have i ever been happy with our sex life, basically because we never have it. and I"M the one with problems? anyway, sorry...to me, this sounds like there are MANY more problems than he just doesn't want to have sex with you. it's bitterly unfair that he did it a lot before you and you never did it. same stuation with me and my wife...she got to have sex any time she wanted (and she did). not me though. we did it a ton while dating and then when the marriage came, it just stopped. i would be very firm with him and up front and honest. if he can't/won't listen or go to counseling, it isn't going to get better. cut your losses while the marriage is still young and before things get complicated with children.


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## Fritz (Apr 3, 2009)

Think you have problems my wife doesn't want to make love to ME either its frustrating.


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## Flanders (Feb 26, 2010)

Take him to an asian massage parlor he will think you are the coolest wife ever. It will bring you closer together, my wife is taking me to one on Saturday, I am very excited, can't wait. My wife knows how to please her man.


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## Aimee (Jun 12, 2011)

Hon I totally sympathize with you!!!!! Im 33 and my husband is 48 and I am going nuts just trying to have time to talk with him. I woke him at 4 this morning (he is going fishing at 5:30) for a blow jobv or whatever his pleasure and he turned me down flat. I am crushed!!! What is wrong with me? I need so many prayers for strength!!!!


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## Jadegreen (Apr 4, 2011)

Dear frustrated, 

Your husband is withdrawing - for what reason is impossible to tell, but it is serious and it is hurting you. You wrote that you were considering ending it all. Life is too beautiful. This is not the end of the world even if you feel depressed. You have put your hopes and dreams in this marriage and in this person who you fell in love with, but if the love is not being returned in a loving way, you cannot let the lack of this ruin your life.You are still a beautiful special, loveable person. It might be time for you to go find yourself a good counselor. If you cannot afford it, try a peer to peer helping organization, or contact a clinic or a pastor and ask if there is something available to low-income people. If you can afford it, set yourself a goal - try and resolve some issue in 6 sessions and see how far you get. you can keep going if it seems worth it. but just know this is serious.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

What jumped out at me was that you said you grew up in an unloving and controlling home. I think you were drawn to your hubby because he is repeating the controlling and unloving family dynamic you had growing up. Many people who are abused as kids grow up and marry abusers and people who don't treat them well.

You also said your husband has kids from two marriages and he has nothing to do with either one of them. That is a huge red flag. What kind of a man has nothing to do with their own kids? 

I would RUN as far away from this guy as possible. He sounds abusive and cruel and not capable of giving you the type of love and support you deserve. DO NOT have kids with him.

For all you know, he could be gay (likes anal but no other type of sex). Or it could be he likes to have control and power over you - not give you pleasure.

Get out and get therapy to heal from your childhood wounds. This will help you make a better choice next time.


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## questionmarkwife (Mar 22, 2011)

First of all I really feel u. I know exactly how u feel. I highly advise you to check up on him-spy and looks for answers. Bc I'm sure u will find something that will help u with ur questions. I did this and boy did I find answers. U need answers so go looking for them than decide on what u should do with those answers. I feel for u.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sunrise (Jun 15, 2011)

There is a book called "Men who Hate Women and the Women who love them" it is a bit scary because it is very blunt, but does help to see that there is a lot of intertwined junk that comes in the way we grew up etc. I wish there was more advice available, because I do understand how awful you can feel. It is obvious that the things you describe are way more than about sex. It is way more complicated than about sexual preferences. I know it is hard to even gather enough strength to even think of how you would leave when you really wish everything could just be all better. You cannot make it better on your own, you need support. You are not crazy. You are not worthless. I'm positive that when you are at your best you are actually very confident, because this type of man is attracted to someone stronger than he believes he is. Everything you wrote about matches this scenario. It doesn't mean he is all bad, like there is no good in him. You were not dumb have recognize some attractive traits in him that you might feel like not many other people see. You were attracted to something that needed fixing though, the only problem is all this runs too deep. You are not to blame for his fear of abandonment, but the one closest female relationship, you, as his wife, is who all the bad comes out on. Please believe you have something better to live for. You are very important. Thank you for posting because the more this gets out in the open, the more help and study can be explored so that other people can benefit and not end up feeling so hopeless.


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## totallyfedup (Sep 7, 2011)

I can certainly totally understand & sympathise with how you feel because my husband is exactly the same. We have been married for 5 years and known each other for 8 years. We have no children to interfere with our sexual times. But he tells me too that he can't get an erection which I think is a load of garbage because he doesn't like me to touch him there. And when I ask & ask just to be touched (not anything more) - he won't even do that. So I am totally heartbroken as this has been going on for about 8 months now. Plus he went down to another woman's house and complained about our marriage. But we haven't made love for many months. It took me years to trust a man due to being assaulted as a teenager. And I kept sex for marriage to the right man. I am now moving out of the home because I cannot stand it any longer because it is very stressful too because he is also extremely moody. But I have shed so many tears it is not funny any more. He won't even go to marriage counselling.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

frustratedwife said:


> My husband has been very sexually active before he met me. He had 8x women before me that he has told me about. 2x women he has sons with and has nothing to do with either boy, except for paying child support for the youngest one.
> 
> We want to have children, and we both were suppose to get tested to make sure we are able to have them. I've been for my tests, yet he wont go for his sperm test. He got a referral, lost it conveniately and waited 3 months before getting another referral. He has it now and its been 9 months and still he is not going for the sperm test.


Ok, I'm really confused here. He has TWO kids with other women, yet needs get his sperm checked? :scratchhead: 

Also, IMO a HUGE red flag for someone that does not have anything to do with his own children, but wants to have more? 

PLEASE do not have kids with this man. He sounds like a horrible husband and a dead beat father, no matter how generous he is with his money. You need to run far away from this man; he has no respect for you at all.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

frustratedwife-

DO not have children until all of the issues are resolved. A child will not make things any better...

I am sorry you are dealing with this mess... To tell you the truth i got teary-eyed reading your post. It is very hard and it gets harder day by day! I am afraid that it may not get any better.. You have been married a year.. And the problems have already started. You dont have that much time invested in your relationship.. I would get out now, unless you can live in a sexless marriage and the be his door mat.

I know exactly what you are going through. Our stories are pretty similar. I have been married 14 years.. i am 33 he is 43. We do have a 2 year old.. a son... I have been trying to figure out what has happened.. No matter how much you talk to him, nothing will change (at least in my case).. My h is different (cold, distant, doesn't seem to care about me anymore, etc.) So i have pushed away from him.. You wouldn't believe it now, but my husband and I were very close once, but something happened. What it was i have no idea......

My husband has told me he has erection problems and low testosterone, I don't believe him! I think it is just a "gimic" to get me to leave him alone... For instance the last time i came on to him he said he wasn't in the F$%king mood... That was over a year ago. I haven't tried since then. 

I will tell you that the longer you stay the lonelier you will become. You will end up doing things you would have thought you would ever do. I know all to well the pain you feel. 

No man is ever worth taking your life for and I MEAN no man. Been there tried that...


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## WayTooAverage (Jul 29, 2011)

frustratedwife I'm sorry you are going through this. I know it hurts and makes you lonely and effects your self esteem. I kind of am going through the same thing. Mind me asking when the last time you had sex was? And how often? I am lucky to get it once a month.

I don't know what to tell you. But I know how you feel. My heart goes out to you, it really does.

Your husband sounds like a lucky man. He doesn't know what he has.


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## ozwang (Aug 11, 2011)

Aimee said:


> Hon I totally sympathize with you!!!!! Im 33 and my husband is 48 and I am going nuts just trying to have time to talk with him. I woke him at 4 this morning (he is going fishing at 5:30) for a blow jobv or whatever his pleasure and he turned me down flat. I am crushed!!! What is wrong with me? I need so many prayers for strength!!!!



umm WOW.....with behaviour like that....your DH doesn't deserve you!!


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Has he had his testosterone levels checked by a Dr? Read up on the symptoms of low test levels and see if you have a close match.

Also, some guys, like me have serious sexual side effects from SSRI classes of anti-depressants. That could be an issue if he is on them.

I also would worry about the gay thing too, or that he's cheating on you. But check other medical related things out first.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

DITTO on the below post! 

Something is really wrong with this husband of yours and as much as you beg and plead for change, he doesn't seem to care to try so stop beating your head against the wall please.

Also what Laurae said about the warning flags is so true. A man who has nothing to do with his children has some issues and should not be discounted. Your man picker is flawed, so please address your issues so you won't repeat this pattern. 

You can survive this and go on to have a good relationship again but this is not the man and don't waste anymore precious time on him. Leave him to his own issues which are clearly many. 




Laurae1967 said:


> What jumped out at me was that you said you grew up in an unloving and controlling home. I think you were drawn to your hubby because he is repeating the controlling and unloving family dynamic you had growing up. Many people who are abused as kids grow up and marry abusers and people who don't treat them well.
> 
> You also said your husband has kids from two marriages and he has nothing to do with either one of them. That is a huge red flag. What kind of a man has nothing to do with their own kids?
> 
> ...


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I got half way through your post and stopped.

Leave this idiot while there are no children involved.

Find a real man.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

it-guy said:


> Has he had his testosterone levels checked by a Dr? Read up on the symptoms of low test levels and see if you have a close match.
> 
> Also, some guys, like me have serious sexual side effects from SSRI classes of anti-depressants. That could be an issue if he is on them.
> 
> I also would worry about the gay thing too, or that he's cheating on you. But check other medical related things out first.


You forgot to add excessive porn use.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

This post is over 1 1/2 years old and the OP is long gone.
Hopefully she dumped the pile of crap and his wonder paternal instincts and move on to somebody who isn't a taker, abuser and all around douche.


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## goinsouth2 (Apr 23, 2015)

You must resolve this. My wife has not wanted sex with me, and I stupidly put up with it for the past 20 years. This has had a definite but gradual negative effect on my mental health. Now I am severely depressed and suicidal. My doctor cannot find an anti-depressant medication that both works for me and does not interrupt my sleep. I am facing the possibility of living the rest of my life in a hell of mental illness. Weekly psychiatric therapy is not helping. Our one and only couples-therapy session was a disaster. Letting my silly adherence to my marriage vows has been a big mistake. "Till death do us part" has now taken on a sad and desperate meaning for me. A mental hospital looks worse to me than death itself. Divorce also seems a poor option because I am now "damaged goods", and I would probably spend the rest of my life alone, which also seems worse than death. Do not let your situation go as long as I have.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

goinsouth2 said:


> You must resolve this. My wife has not wanted sex with me, and I stupidly put up with it for the past 20 years. This has had a definite but gradual negative effect on my mental health. Now I am severely depressed and suicidal. *My doctor cannot find an anti-depressant medication that both works for me and does not interrupt my sleep*. I am facing the possibility of living the rest of my life in a hell of mental illness. *Weekly psychiatric therapy is not helping*. Our one and only couples-therapy session was a disaster. Letting my silly adherence to my marriage vows has been a big mistake. "Till death do us part" has now taken on a sad and desperate meaning for me. A mental hospital looks worse to me than death itself. Divorce also seems a poor option because I am now "damaged goods", and I would probably spend the rest of my life alone, which also seems worse than death. Do not let your situation go as long as I have.



goinsouth,

The thread you are responding to is years old.

But I wanted to respond to you in the present.

Surely some irregular sleep patterns are better than being so depressed and mentally unhappy? Sorry, if I don't understand the severity of the sleeping problems.

How many weeks have you been going to a psychiatrist? You don't say. It might take a while to get results. Either way, I think you should keep going.

Does your medical doctor, your psychiatrist, and your WIFE, know that these problems you are having are intertwined with your lack of sexual closeness in your marriage. Have you told these folks directly and openly, so they cannot mistake your meaning?

What reasons does your wife give for not having sex with you?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Time has allowed you to learn more about many things since marrying this slug.
YOU should be wishing HE wasn't born rather than feeling that way about yourself.
No children involved should make it easy for you to properly address the problem.
Good luck.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Add me to the list of posters who suggests you NOT have kids with this man. Why would you want to have kids with someone who already has kids and has no contact with them? You would be better off going to a sperm bank and using a donation. You are going to be a single mother either way.

Hold's rules for sexual mismatch:
1. Do not get married while there is a sexual mismatch. It isn't fair to either of you.
2. Do not have kids while there is a sexual mismatch. It isn't air to the kids.

You have already broken rule #1 and are experiencing the consequences. Do not break rule #2. You aren't the only one who you would be hurting.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Deleted - old thread


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Zombie Thread... locking it.


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