# Wife with Fibromyalgia - being unreasonable



## davejones158335 (Apr 19, 2015)

Married 25 years. Got two kids - one is just 2 yr old.
Wife last few years diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Dont know a lot about it but she tells me shes in pain all the time and tired etc.

I work a fair distance away (and do very well). Its 90 mins commute each way so makes for a LONG day. But the money is excellent. Shes just had to give up work this last year so it helps.

By the time I get home, food is cooked, baby is ready for bed etc so cant complain. At the weekend, we do lots of stuff together.

Only problem is she hates me doing anything on my own. i.e. I cant even have an hour out with friends or family without taking the baby. She says she struggles all week while I'm in work and that Im not being fair even leaving baby with her for an hour at the weekend.

I just feel all I'm good for is earning lots of money in the week which she spends and then at the weekend I have to take over baby care. She just doesnt care I've been in work all week!

Now I know this illness is not great and affects her. I've tried to help - baby goes to childminder part of two days per week, I pay for a cleaner once a week to clean the house.

She can get really nasty and says Im selfish if I even try to arrange something for a few hours weeks in advance which means she has to look after the baby? Am I being unfair here?
She does normally give in but makes it really hard work for me.

Must admit she was never really like this before she was ill. She was always one for thinking she worked the hardest and never one to look at what other people did for her but never this bad.

I must admit when I get up early and drive miles to work, stress out, miles home I think why the hell am I doing this? She doesnt appreciate and just spends it anyway.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

You are married 25 years and you have a two year old? Did she have fibromyalgia before she became pregnant? I agree you should have time out on the weekends with friends. Do you give her time to go out with friends or anything else she wants to do and watch your baby? All couples need to do activities on their own. She shouldn't get nasty about it. It sounds like you are doing your fair share as a husband and Dad.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

I bet her illness is driving at least part of these. How much do you do together as a couple?


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## davejones158335 (Apr 19, 2015)

Happilymarried25 said:


> You are married 25 years and you have a two year old? Did she have fibromyalgia before she became pregnant? I agree you should have time out on the weekends with friends. Do you give her time to go out with friends or anything else she wants to do and watch your baby? All couples need to do activities on their own. She shouldn't get nasty about it. It sounds like you are doing your fair share as a husband and Dad.


Yes and an older child. No its was brought on when she was ill during pregnancy unfortunately.

I give her as much time as she wants. Trouble is because shes ill she doesnt have the energy to go out.


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## davejones158335 (Apr 19, 2015)

LonelyinLove said:


> I bet her illness is driving at least part of these. How much do you do together as a couple?


Undoubtedly it is. As a couple what we can, but its more as a family with the two kids.,


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My DD24 has fybro, for the last 10 years. It's rough. Things that affect you and me affect her ten times over. She was holding something yesterday, putting pressure on it, and her hand came away red and raw, after only a minute. If you were to slap her on the arm, it would sting for hours. The nerves are like magnified what we feel - everything is a potential source of pain. And the tiredness is just beyond reason. She pushes through it but every day is a struggle. 

IIWY, I'd sit her down and say you empathize and you want her to be as comfortable as possible, but that you have to have a reason to look forward to things, too. It's only fair given that you're gone 60-70 hours a week. You WILL be maintaining your friendships and doing things with them, and you fully encourage her to do the same. And if she wants you to line up a babysitter while you hang out with your friends, you'll be glad to do it, but you won't be giving it up. And by all means, inform you of any other ways you can make her life easier.

That way you're showing you care, but you're putting your foot down. And the next time you go out, you have to ignore her protests. That will show her to respect you.


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## nburd (Jul 17, 2015)

My wife and I have only been married for 3 years. We do not have any children. She was a whole different person when we first met. The fact that you are away from home a lot does not help for sure but if your wife doesn't work and finances are a major concern (when aren't they?) then there is only so much you can do about your job. Quite honestly the Fybro has a severe impact on her emotional well being as well as physical. That is probably where a lot of this comes from. When my wife started having major issues, probably about 2 years ago, a friend told me, from personal experience with her husband's issues, that I would basically have to start going off and doing things on my own. I took that advice to heart. It does mean an argument once in a great while even though I have calmly sat my wife down and explained to her why I need that time to recuperate. It has preserved my sanity though. I do make a concerted effort to quality time with my wife but I need some time to myself too.


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## Akinaura (Dec 6, 2011)

I've been diagnosed with Fibro for going on 10 years this year. Some days I'm good, some days I'm not.

What I will say is that even though the fibromyalgia affects my emotional wellbeing (hey, sleep deprived is sleep deprived, lol) and my general outlook on life...I'm the one pushing for the hubby to have a "day off" every now and again from me. As my supporter, I know it takes a lot of energy on his part to deal with me on my really bad days.

So, yeah, I'd actually say there's something else going on here. She's become codependent or something else, and is afraid of functioning without you present when you technically could be present. I get that she pushes during the week to make sure everything is done, but that doesn't give her a right to just "dump" parenting responsibilities for the weekend. Parenting is a shared activity. It's almost like saying "Okay, I washed the baby, if you don't dry him off, oh well." Really?


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

the biggest problem i see is the assumption that she has it harder than you. probably because, to her, you dont seem as miserable as she feels when you get home. so she assumes you have it easier, and this causes her to resent the moments you take for yourself, because she is looking through the lens of her own misery instead of seeing things objectively. and that misery distorts things...


just out of curiosity, what does she do on the weekends when you take care of the kid?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

turnera said:


> My DD24 has fybro, for the last 10 years. It's rough. Things that affect you and me affect her ten times over. She was holding something yesterday, putting pressure on it, and her hand came away red and raw, after only a minute. If you were to slap her on the arm, it would sting for hours. The nerves are like magnified what we feel - everything is a potential source of pain. And the tiredness is just beyond reason. She pushes through it but every day is a struggle.
> 
> IIWY, I'd sit her down and say you empathize and you want her to be as comfortable as possible, but that you have to have a reason to look forward to things, too. It's only fair given that you're gone 60-70 hours a week. You WILL be maintaining your friendships and doing things with them, and you fully encourage her to do the same. And if she wants you to line up a babysitter while you hang out with your friends, you'll be glad to do it, but you won't be giving it up. And by all means, inform you of any other ways you can make her life easier.
> 
> That way you're showing you care, but you're putting your foot down. And the next time you go out, you have to ignore her protests. That will show her to respect you.


This^^^ plus maybe if you can move closer to the job and cut the commute down.


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## LeTombeCelui (Aug 18, 2015)

"By the time I get home, food is cooked, baby is ready for bed etc so cant complain."
"baby goes to childminder part of two days per week, I pay for a cleaner once a week to clean the house."

Now I'm not saying that you don't deserve to go out because well everyone does, but between the long work hours/drive on your part and the fact it sounds like she's still holding down the fort at home fairly well. . . have you given it consideration that this is taking a LOT more out of her than she lets on because she does not want to cause you more worry and by the time you have this time off she's totally exhausted? I mean the baby is being watched for by someone other than her for only 2 part days (part days here are usually only 8am to noon or noon to 5 not sure how it works for ya'll) and whatever time you have off that you are not sleeping/out of the house with her in a situation that just holding her child sadly could bring her great pains especially the older and rowdier they get; and because she does not want to go out like you do maybe she is seeing it as you taking the child with you is as much of her break as it is yours with added daddy baby bonding time? Have you suggested calling and getting a sitter for when you want to go out so she can have some alone time as well? Could she just be feeling clingy and insecure between illness, long work hours, ect and when you're gone for hours those insecurities pick at her?
 Sadly there is not much advice I can give other than sit down and have a legit talk with her about all this because it sounds like there could be several *maybe* issues you'll just never know until you ask her.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

First off, chronic pain is a real b*tch. So understand that her condition likely plays a HUGE role in the way that she feels.

Second... married 25 years and you have a 2-year-old? Damn. It must be difficult raising a 2-year-old when you're in your early to mid-forties (or older), and even more so once you throw the fibro into the mix. And yes, that's even w/ her not working outside the home.

Were your circumstances different, you'd be fully justified in feeling the way that you do. Actually, you're sort of justified in feeling that way NOW, but hey... that's part and parcel to a) "in sickness and in health" and b) her condition.

Use your lunch breaks to get out of the office and stretch your legs. Build relationships w/ co-workers. Sneak in a beer every here and there. Tell inappropriate jokes. Laugh.

Use your commute to be pissed off. Put on some heavy metal and turn it up loud. Grit your teeth, shake your fists, and be pissed at the fickle b*tch called Fate.

But when you get home, put that sh*t aside and do what you can to support your wife. It'll always sort of suck, but it will get easier w/ time.

And I'll tell you something else... the bad days are coming. Until then, every good day between now and then is nothing short of a gift. Appreciate them.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

My wife has Fibro and though not clingy, at all, she has extremely low self-esteem and believes in her head the following, "why would anyone put up with me?"...so sometimes I can tell she's afraid I might leave and others I thinks she wishes i would because it makes her feel less pressure. 

As a disease/syndrome it insidious, and even though I love my wife she is the same person I knew the first 9yrs of our relationship......


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## inhope (Nov 17, 2010)

She is an older Mom with fibromyalgia and she will be shattered physically and emotionally. YOU may be away for 60-70 hours a week, but she has a toddler glued to her for even longer if you include the week ends too, and that can be completely draining.
I guess she is going stir crazy and you leaving her alone at the weekends again *with the 2 year old toddler* is just the last straw.

I would up the childminder time and the domestic help. Once a week cleaning is probably not enough with another kid and a 2 year old, and no doubt she is upsetting herself struggling to do that too.
I know you are working hard, but she sees you sweep in once everything is taken care of, like it is a hotel and now you want to spend time away at the week ends too.
Taking care of household stuff, is OK for most SAHMs who are well and healthy, but if she is physically struggling then even little stuff like cooking meals can be a huge undertaking.
It is not called the terrible twos for nothing either.
I guess her clinginess is a symptom of her not coping well here.


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> First off, chronic pain is a real b*tch. So understand that her condition likely plays a HUGE role in the way that she feels.
> 
> Second... married 25 years and you have a 2-year-old? Damn. It must be difficult raising a 2-year-old when you're in your early to mid-forties (or older), and even more so once you throw the fibro into the mix. And yes, that's even w/ her not working outside the home.
> 
> ...



Most of your post is on point.

The bolded is the most unhelpful and insensitive thing you could possible say to anyone dealing with a spouses' illness. The dynamic of a healthy/sick relationship is one in which the healthy is everything and nothing at the same time. You have to BE everything but you have to ACCEPT nothing. It is the only type of relationship where you have to feel guilty for expecting/wanting the very things that EVERYONE on this site is told that they should DEMAND in a relationship. 

Telling someone that "they would be justified in any other situation, even their current one, but they made vows that said in sickness and health so they have no choice" .. is neither useful advice nor supportive.

Same thing as me going into the sex in marriage forum and saying "I hear what you are saying but you took a vow that said for better or for worse". I could be wrong but I don't think the vows include "I promise to have sex with you". I would never do that because I don't get sex either, so I know what it feels like. But I also fall into the "healthy/sick" category so I don't have the right to complain.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

NotEZ said:


> Most of your post is on point.
> 
> The bolded is the most unhelpful and insensitive thing you could possible say to anyone dealing with a spouses' illness. The dynamic of a healthy/sick relationship is one in which the healthy is everything and nothing at the same time. You have to BE everything but you have to ACCEPT nothing. It is the only type of relationship where you have to feel guilty for expecting/wanting the very things that EVERYONE on this site is told that they should DEMAND in a relationship.
> 
> ...


Eh... if you say so. Sounds more like a bit of hypersensitivity on your part, to be honest.

Oh, and by the way...? My wife has MS, so I have some idea w/ respect to what the OP is going through. As a matter of fact, we're getting ready to leave for her doc's office here in a few minutes so that she get started on a new medication.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You have every right - and need - to go out with friends occasionally. And yes, she is in pain and fatigued all the time, needs a break too, and also isn't up to going out. Of course she wants time with you too, since you're away so much. However, that alone isn't good reason to prevent you from doing things on your own sometimes.

The solution may simply be to find someone to look after the kids for a few hours on weekends so you both have a break to do what you want.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

I actually decided to drag akinaura kicking and screaming to go do PT. Why? Because fibromyalgia typically responds well to increased cardiovascular fitness. It just hurts like hell before you see the benefit of it. 

I suffer a chronic pain condition too, so I get how much it sucks. I have put 2 million Scoville hot pepper extract directly in my eyes just to distract myself from the pain before... 

So yeah, it sucks. But, expecting others to fix it for you or make themselves miserable in order to accommodate you just doesn't work. People who are suffering chronic pain need a much stronger sense of motivation to enjoy life than those who dont. That motivation to do the things that give them joy must be stronger than the fear, pain and exaustion. If they cannot provide that motivation themselves, then it will have to come from an external source. 

I suffer one of the most painful conditions known to medical science, and I honestly believe that it is better to have a stern and loving hand with those suffering chronic pain than it is to cater to their pain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

You've been married for 25 years. Chronic pain is one of the most devastating, life changing experience that any couple can encounter yet you say (quote) "Wife last few years diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Dont know a lot about it but she tells me shes in pain all the time and tired etc." WHY? "Don't know a lot about it!" WHY? This is huge! Why haven't you researched, looked on fibromyalgia forums, gone to specialists appointments with her etc? 

You say that you do lots of things at the weekend. She keeps a great home, takes care of little kids...that's REALLY hard even for a much younger mother to do all alone, all week. To be honest I think you're lacking understanding & compassion. As your wife I would feel so much more loved & appreciated if my H had an understanding of my debilitating agony!

You repeatedly say "YOU" pay....After 25 years it should be "WE" pay! It seems like you're very resentful of your wifes condition & the fact she can't work anymore. This isn't the criticism it sounds like. I've supported chronic pain sufferers for years & it's very common. Be aware that most marriages where the woman suffers chronic pain end in divorce. Lack of understanding & resentment, Not being 'A Team' united against the condition.....Are reasons for this!! Please take a step back. Yes! You are working a lot & it's very stressful. I don't think you know how incredibly hard it is for your wife to just get out of bed some mornings.


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

Deleted


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