# Newest message from Husband



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

A few days ago, I got a text from H saying that when he redirected his mail, the post office made a mistake and accidentally sent him something that was addressed to me too. He wanted to drop it off, with the house keys, so I said that was OK. I felt a little weird (never having been in a situation like this; didn't know how to conduct myself). So, I asked if he would like to come in and scratch the dogs that were clamouring for his attention. He said no, which I was thankful for. I think I invited out of nervousness and not knowing what else to say. Anyways, I hear from him a couple times a week, and here is today's message that I'm not sure how (or if) I should respond to.

_Dear Wife,
I know that I may have seemed rude when I refused to come in when I dropped off the keys and the mail. The warnings you gave me this year, apparently didn't seem real to me, so I was actually expecting to finally start making real progress with you in solving our issues when we went to our couple's counselling. So for me this is still very painful, and I'm not ready yet to lightly sit down and chat as if nothing serious has happened. Thanks for letting me pet the dogs, I appreciate that.
Sorry,
Husband
_
To be fair, I wasn't expecting to sit down and chat as though nothing had happened. I think he may be starting to understand it when I said that I feared if we didn't start working on us, we wouldn't make it as a couple. I didn't see that as a warning, but more as expressing a really big concern. Going to 2 sessions of couple's counselling hammered home to ME, how much counselling we would need if we did reconcile, to even begin to understand each other and to learn how to communicate effectively. I get that it's painful for him; I feel the same way, but still stand by my decision. It probably would've been much different had we seen a counsellor in our first year of marriage. I'm so glad that he got a chance to say goodbye to the dogs though. Anyways, I'm tired and blabbing; how do I respond to this? Do I even respond to it?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Ignore it and go on a date tonight with someone much more interesting and sexy. We're all replaceable.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

It somewhat depends on you, @Ursula. If he is having trouble accepting that it's over, it may have confused him to be asked in and this email might be his way of trying to re-establish a dialogue, etc. If that's the case and you are DEFINITELY DONE but he's not getting the message, then I believe no reply would be best. 

On the other hand, if he is accepting it, struggling to move on but is moving on, and overall seems to finally be telling himself "Wow I really have some stuff I need to work on", then I see no reason not to address him one compassionate human being to another and say something like "No worries--I'm sure it felt awkward in the moment. It is painful, I agree, but it is also necessary for me. You're welcome for giving you time with the dogs--they loved it."

The idea is to not engage in asking another question to which he has to respond, but just to say that you didn't take it he was rude, you understand it was uncomfortable, you agree it's painful, enforce you are sticking with it, and accept the thanks for the dog-time. The End.

So since you are the one living in your skin, why don't you decide and then just stick with your choice.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

What do you want? Don't be embarrassed, what do you really want if you look at this from a logical and emotionless perspective? No, I am not saying it is easy, but do you want to put in the work which you admit "2 sessions of couple's counseling hammered home to ME, how much counseling we would need if we did reconcile, to even begin to understand each other and to learn how to communicate effectively."

I might thank him for the honesty and leave it right there. If you open up a dialogue, concerning feelings, your decision is going to be harder to sand by. Also, there is being polite and being nice. Polite is saying thank you, nice is inviting him in when you really don't want him near you. Stop being nice.

Yes, semantics, but you most likely get what I am trying to say.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@Affaircare, if I'm honest, I think he is finally accepting it, but may be struggling to move on. I do think he's seeing his own therapist as well. To be honest, I had no idea over the past 3 years how unreal my concerns seemed to him. Had I known exactly that (had he communicated that to me), I'd have sat him down and told him that we needed to go see a marriage therapist ASAP. I like what you said though, and think that I will email him back at some point today with something along those lines. 
@phillybeffandswiss, what do I really want, you ask? What I really wish is to turn back the clock about 3 years, go to a marriage therapist with him, and really work on our issues instead of both of us just saying that we'll start working through them. Or better yet, turn it back to 2012, and not accept the marriage proposal in the first place. At this point, I'm pretty much done, although I do still care about him and his welfare. The thought of starting fresh with someone is pretty exciting though, and this time, I'm not going to rush into it, and will make damn sure that we're a good match. And yes, I do have to stop being nice, as a general rule, and that also means setting boundaries, which is a big challenge for me.
@GuyInColorado, I went on a hot date with my dogs last night (a walk), then took myself for a walk!


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