# A man does not say, ....



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This question is inspired by a thread where a poster said that men just do not tell their wives to do things... 

For example, a wife might: 

I ask him if he can take out the trash.
I asked him if he can make breakfast.​
But the statement was made: 
"A man does not say, I need you to cook this now."​
So here is a question for you ladies. Does your husband ever ask you to do things?


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Very rarely does he ask me to do things. We both tend to offer each other help a lot though.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> This question is inspired by a thread where a poster said that men just do not tell their wives to do things...
> 
> For example, a wife might:
> 
> ...


Yes, Odo will ask me to do things. Not as frequently as I ask him, perhaps, but he will. 

Here are some examples:

1. He will ask me to stop at the pet store to get something for the dogs or cats, if I happen to be driving near one on my way to /from a client. 

2. He will ask me to pick up an order he's made at a store, if he's working (office) and I'm working from home that day. Sometimes he needs me to take the truck and trailer to pick up some equipment that needed repairing,because he won't be home in time to get it himself. In that case, he gets the truck ready for me the night before. 

3. When I'm grocery shopping, he will call or text things he needs or wants, if he forgot to put it on "the list" before.

4. If one of his kids is visiting, he will ask me to cook certain meals he knows they would appreciate.

He is not in the constant habit of asking for things, but he's a lot better about asking than he used to be. He used to try to do everything (including things for me) then feel frustrated if he couldn't get it all done. I told him he was still acting like a single person even though he had a partner, because he'd been so used to doing many things himself, even while in his past relationships.

Hope I answered the gist of the question sufficiently.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> This question is inspired by a thread where a poster said that men just do not tell their wives to do things...
> 
> For example, a wife might:
> 
> ...


Yes, when it comes to bills, financial stuff. I am in charge of bills, money transfers, fees, etc. He has often asked me to pay something or transfer money. I have access to our joint account, his whole salary goes in there, I just manage it.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

My DH asks me to do things daily. And, yes, this includes asking me to feed him. He's hopeless in the kitchen.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

My husband asks me to do things all the time. Everything from picking up groceries, running errands, assorted chores, giving him a helping hand. All kinds of things, all the time.

He even sometimes quite literally says "I need you to do X right now."


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Yes, however it's mostly to help him while he's doing something. So, if he's mowing the lawn, he'll ask me to move my car out to the driveway so he can get to the mower or he'll ask me to unlock the gates. If he's bbq'ing something, and he'll ask me to get a platter for him or to wash the tongs. 

I think I do the same. If I'm pulling clothes out of the dryer, I'll ask him to help me hang them up. I'll ask him to help me make the bed (or help me mess up the bed *wink*).


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We ask each other to do things all the time. Usually we're happy to comply, because we don't ask for unreasonable or selfish things. We only tell each other to do something if it is an serious situation that would lead to injury or damage if not done immediately, and is not discretionary.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> This question is inspired by a thread where a poster said that men just do not tell their wives to do things...
> 
> For example, a wife might:
> 
> ...


Requests like the bolded do not happen, ever. Doesn't mean I wouldn't ask 'what do you have planned for dinner' or 'when are you going to start'. 

Very rarely I'll need her help on something I am in the middle of and I'll ask for her her. But it's a request not a demand or instruction. 'could you give me a hand for a few minutes folding up the pool cover'. 

Nothing wrong with the first two requests by the wife the way they are stated, can you do X? Answer should be YES, or no - not right now.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

wild jade said:


> My husband asks me to do things all the time. Everything from picking up groceries, running errands, assorted chores, giving him a helping hand. All kinds of things, all the time.
> 
> He even sometimes quite literally says "I need you to do X right now."


My husband works. I take care of the home. It's great that he asks to do things. then I know what he wants.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think oftentimes a man doesn't need to ask, because it is just expected the woman will do certain things. There seems to be many marriages (in which they BOTH work) in which the man just expects the woman to cook, clean, make sure the household is running. She has to *ask* him to contribute to the partnership in domestic chores while it's just a given that she already is.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

In my marriage, there was an assumption that everything related to home, family obligations and childcare was 100% my responsibility. Even though I also worked full time outside the home. So, if I needed help with something, I had to ask. He would not offer, or do things himself, without being asked. And there were plenty of times he did not do things I asked him to do, whether or not he'd agreed to do them. The task was still my responsibility to accomplish, and any help he provided was something he deserved to be rewarded for. Oh, and yes, he asked me to do many things over the years, rather continually, actually. "I'm out of clean socks." "I need my suit picked up from the cleaners." "Didn't you go to the store? Where's the ice cream?" "I've invited my design team for a dinner party Saturday night. Can you take care of that?" Honestly, it was rather like a spoiled teen asking/demanding stuff from his mom - just a patent assumption that whatever he wanted or needed would be magically provided. 


My current, and much more healthy in every respect, relationship does not have that dynamic. We ask one another for help with things all the time. But it comes from a place of partnership and a sense of teamwork. There are no demands and we don't ask for unreasonable things. And, there's also an understanding that we're each free to say "no" to requests. We both just tend to reserve "no" for things we literally cannot do, rather than making a habit of it. Because we both genuinely want to help one another out.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Livvie said:


> I think oftentimes a man doesn't need to ask, because it is just expected the woman will do certain things. There seems to be many marriages (in which they BOTH work) in which the man just expects the woman to cook, clean, make sure the household is running. She has to *ask* him to contribute to the partnership in domestic chores while it's just a given that she already is.


That may be true in some, perhaps in many cases, but certainly not mine.

This is a very interesting thought exercise, and think through the time my wife and I have been together, I can count on one hand the number of thing I have asked of my wife. Not because she intuitively knows and does things that need to be done, but, much like Satya mentioned above about Odo, I am so used to doing it all on my own, that it usually does not even occur to me to ask her for anything. She will sometimes pitch in and help if she notices me doing things around the house, but is otherwise content to let me carry on on my own.

She on the other hand has no issues what so ever asking me to do doting type things for her quite regularly to the point where I have been feeling the imbalance lately.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I had a marriage where I worked full-time and had all the responsibility for everything else. My husband's reasoning was that his career was much more demanding than mine (which was true but mine wasn't exactly non-demanding). If I needed "help" I had to ask for it and it wasn't necessarily given. There were many battles fought about his "help" over the decades but things never changed. I eventually just gave up because it was easier for me to do it than to constantly fight about it. Marriages like the one I had are likely to cause very serious resentment long-term. I would never again tolerate that. Life's way too short.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Oh, this got Real Estate into a lot of trouble this past weekend. He was moving into one of his vacant condos, and I volunteered to help him. I thought I was helping him to MOVE, that it was going to be a one-day, maybe two-day thing. WRONG. He put off packing until the very last minute, so I spent an entire day packing his crap that he should have already packed up, and we couldn't get everything packed into the truck before our move-in window at the condo building, so we ended up making multiple additional trips with his SUV... needless to say, by Monday night, I was pretty cranky, having already spent 4 days of my 5 day holiday weekend helping him. And he wanted me to unpack the kitchen, while he goofed off and played video games in his office. I wanted him to do it with me, because a) it's his stuff, not mine; b) it's unfair that he expects me to work while he goofs off; and c) it's his stuff, and I was gracious enough to offer to help. Well, he was cranky, and he was arguing with me that *I* should be the one to unpack the kitchen, because I'm the one who does all the cooking anyway. Finally, to shut me up, he said, "Just unpack the freaking kitchen already, will ya?"

That did not go over well. I gave him an earful and told him that I had been helping him with this move for FOUR DAYS ALREADY, I was just as tired as he was, he had no right to be ordering me around, and that I was not going to do any more work while he goofed off and played video games on his phone.

That got through his head, and instead we relaxed and played games for the rest of the night. And the next morning, he let me sleep in while HE unpacked the kitchen. And while he took a nap before our friends came to visit for July 4th, I surprised him by making another trip on my own, moving some more stuff of his, and getting it unpacked and set up.

(ETA: We're not married, nor do we live together. We've been together almost 1.5 yrs, and he would estimate that I "live" with him 50+% of the time.)


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Openminded said:


> I had a marriage where I worked full-time and had all the responsibility for everything else. My husband's reasoning was that his career was much more demanding than mine (which was true but mine wasn't exactly non-demanding). If I needed "help" I had to ask for it and it wasn't necessarily given. There were many battles fought about his "help" over the decades but things never changed. I eventually just gave up because it was easier for me to do it than to constantly fight about it. Marriages like the one I had are likely to cause very serious resentment long-term. I would never again tolerate that. Life's way too short.


This was how my former marriage was... except that I had the more demanding job (more hours, more stress), plus I was going to grad school part-time. He would never help with anything without me asking, and when I did ask, he would do nothing but ***** and moan and make me miserable. I also eventually gave up, because I was tired of the complaining and the fighting about it. 

Hysterically enough, when we finally went to marriage counseling, and the MC asked him what made him unhappy in the marriage, he had the audacity to say that I didn't keep the house clean enough. I should have walked out right there and then.

I agree, I will never tolerate that again.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

FeministInPink said:


> This was how my former marriage was... except that I had the more demanding job (more hours, more stress), plus I was going to grad school part-time. He would never help with anything without me asking, and when I did ask, he would do nothing but ***** and moan and make me miserable. I also eventually gave up, because I was tired of the complaining and the fighting about it.
> 
> Hysterically enough, when we finally went to marriage counseling, and the MC asked him what made him unhappy in the marriage, he had the audacity to say that I didn't keep the house clean enough. I should have walked out right there and then.
> 
> I agree, I will never tolerate that again.


As a man, this mindset absolutely baffles me.

Some would say that it's just a manifestation of the traditional roles of the man working outside the home and the woman taking care of the home. But even that's a horrible cop out; if the woman should care for the home because the man is busy being the breadwinner, then it logically follows that if the man isn't bringing in all the bread, then he's not pulling his traditional end of the bargain, so how can he demand she pull her end of the traditional arrangement.

Although he planned on being traditional, my dad made some bad financial moves which required my mom to get a job. Yet he demanded the house always be maintained in inspection condition and there be a fresh, home cooked meal every night, neither of which he assisted with. Even at the tender age of six or seven, and as a kid who positively worshiped my dad, I spotted this as an irreconcilable position. 

Any guy who thinks like this is, IMO, at best very shortsighted and lacking in empathy or a sense of equity and respect for his partner, and at worst, a real [email protected]$$.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> As a man, this mindset absolutely baffles me.
> 
> Some would say that it's just a manifestation of the traditional roles of the man working outside the home and the woman taking care of the home. But even that's a horrible cop out; if the woman should care for the home because the man is busy being the breadwinner, then it logically follows that if the man isn't bringing in all the bread, then he's not pulling his traditional end of the bargain, so how can he demand she pull her end of the traditional arrangement.
> 
> ...


This would be why I'm not married to him anymore.

(P.S. And I was the primary breadwinner, too! I made more money than him [to the tune of at least $10k per year, not including the benefits], my benefits through work paid for our healthcare and paid for my grad school tuition, and that grad school tuition also got us a hefty tax break each year.)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'll chime in now. The reason that the quote from the other thread got my attention is that I've witnesses a lot of married men asking, and even telling their wives what the man believes the wife needs to do. In my marriages I definitely experienced it.

I've been married 3 times. I've ended up the bread winner each time... I mean the sole person working.

First husband used to tell me what to do.. "get me coffee", "cook dinner". I was young an stupid and did not even notice this as an issue. When we were divorcing, I asked him about it. He said that he did that because I was too easy and just did whatever he would tell me to do. Now, I think that this is partly due to my FOO. My parents had 8 children. My mom taught us to do everything. The only thing she did was laundry. When she and my dad wanted coffee or anything, they would tell which ever kid was closest to go get it. My 2 older sisters and I cooked most meals from the time we were about 10. We cleaned the house, etc.

My second husband refused to do house work and expected me to do all of it. And he would tell me what to do. He went beyond telling, he would yell at me about things. So his behavior was way beyond just asking. He quit his job as an electrical engineer to go to medical school and simply expected me to support him. He was an ass to put it mildly.

I am not sure I can think of anything my 3rd husband verbally told or asked me to do. He just expected that I would do everything from supporting him and his children, to raised the children to everything else. I think that level of expectation is not the same as asking one's spouse to do something. Instead it's the same as demanding and ordering them to do it.

And yea, this was one of the reasons that I divorced them. If this had been the only problem, it would have been reason enough.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The only exception to this relates to the risk of imminent harm. When that happens I order and don't ask. 

Otherwise everything gets prefaced with: Do you think you might be able to ....




anonmd said:


> Requests like the bolded do not happen, ever. Doesn't mean I wouldn't ask 'what do you have planned for dinner' or 'when are you going to start'.
> 
> Very rarely I'll need her help on something I am in the middle of and I'll ask for her her. But it's a request not a demand or instruction. 'could you give me a hand for a few minutes folding up the pool cover'.
> 
> Nothing wrong with the first two requests by the wife the way they are stated, can you do X? Answer should be YES, or no - not right now.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Dunno what to tell you other than your husbands may have been male but they weren't 'a man'. 

The statement was "A man does not say, I need you to cook this now.", I agree with the statement. It doesn't say no husband ever does this. I'd say hubby is not a man if he does this regularly with the possible exception of you do need to speak up at least once. FIP just spoke up, bet it doesn't happen again or at least much .


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

MEM2020 said:


> The only exception to this relates to the risk of imminent harm. When that happens I order and don't ask.
> 
> Otherwise everything gets prefaced with: Do you think you might be able to ....


Rodger that!


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

Boys need more role models. A father. 

There's a need for guys to grow up. They never see it that way. Take initiative and get things done. Just not sit there and be served by his mommy replacement.

Boys have their manhood whittled away since birth. Drugs for ADHD misdiagnosis to muddy his young mind. Hatred of Testosterone and all that crap. Please the single mom, please the female teachers. By end of high school his head is filled full of mentorless mush. 

Then folks complain about the results. It's been a long cultural behavioral slide. Over 50 years of this. Of course there are consequences.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

@EleGirl

At what point did you realize that this behavior of the H telling you what to do wasn't normal or healthy? Your acceptance of it definitely stemmed from FOO. 

I don't think that I've ever experienced my H telling me what to do like that. I'm pretty sure he knows what my reaction would be if he tried it. It would definitely involve a middle finger. Maybe that's why he's never tried it. Not too long ago, maybe a month or 2, I asked my H what he liked about me. His answer? That I was independent. I kind of thought that was a strange answer, but it was his answer none the less.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> This question is inspired by a thread where a poster said that men just do not tell their wives to do things...
> 
> For example, a wife might:
> 
> ...


Yes, all the time. Can you stop and pick something up on the way home. When are you making dinner? What are you making for dinner? Can you take that trash out, can you feed the animals, etc. Of course he does, and I ask him to do things too. 

That is interesting to me that someone thought men did not ask for things. If we're stereotyping I'd say men may be less inclined to NAG about things than women, and that may create the impression they don't ask for anything -- but maybe that's because when asked, women usually take care of the issue right away. Or maybe men don't ask for some of the same things - like take the trash out - because fewer of them care if it goes out. ???


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> @EleGirl
> 
> At what point did you realize that this behavior of the H telling you what to do wasn't normal or healthy? Your acceptance of it definitely stemmed from FOO.


It was about 2 years in if I recall correctly. I was just used to it and I was too easy going at the time.



tropicalbeachiwish said:


> I don't think that I've ever experienced my H telling me what to do like that. I'm pretty sure he knows what my reaction would be if he tried it. It would definitely involve a middle finger. Maybe that's why he's never tried it. Not too long ago, maybe a month or 2, I asked my H what he liked about me. His answer? That I was independent. I kind of thought that was a strange answer, but it was his answer none the less.


I don't think that is a strange answer.

Being independent is a very good thing. The problem comes when you (generic you) are married to a guy who likes your independence because that means that they can just not do anything. They can just sluff off all their responsibilities because they know that you will do what needs to be done.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Dannip said:


> Boys need more role models. A father.
> 
> There's a need for guys to grow up. They never see it that way. Take initiative and get things done. Just not sit there and be served by his mommy replacement.
> 
> ...


Um, my husbands were not raised during the days of ADHD. They were raised with a father in home ... fathers who apparently modeled the same behavior. 

Trying to blame, for example my experience, on women is beyond the pale.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I've learned not to ask my wife for anything. Ever. If it's asked for and given, it's done grudgingly.

My wife has convinced herself that she does everything around the house, and that I'm a layabout. This despite the fact that I do 90% of the cooking, dishwashing & vacuuming, and 100% of the yardwork.

She handles the laundry, which with 3 girls is admittedly a big job--but does not approach the totality of running the house. She also makes a couple of trips to Costco per month (which I'd do myself, but she does not trust me to look for the best deals). I unload and put away all of the groceries when she does this.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@EleGirl, I think I missed the spirit of your post. It seems that you were trying to poll to see whether wives are told to do things, as if expected of them (duty). I was thinking the question was more in terms of a general idea of whether husbands ask for things of their wives. 

My ex H definitely expected me to do all housework, for example, and the majority of the cooking. "Fetch me" this or that often came out of his mouth. I was young then and just thought he was being kind of silly, but later I realized he thought it was my job to get him what he wanted, when he wanted. Odo is not like that. He asks me, not orders me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> This question is inspired by a thread where a poster said that men just do not tell their wives to do things...
> 
> For example, a wife might:
> 
> ...


In the thread that inspired this thread, the wife said that her husband mostly refused to do anything in the home. And she gave two examples of how he reacted when she asked him to do something specific:

I ask him if he can take out the trash.
I asked him if he can make breakfast.​
She asked these because she felt that she needed his help. She says that he always says "no". But after saying no, when she goes to take the trash out, he takes it away from her and takes it out. Strange. 

So some posters interpreted her asking specially for help form a guy who will not do much of anything around to house to.... "I need you to cook this now." And of he stated that men just don't do that.

I found it strange that the poster interpreted rather minor requests for help as her unjustly ordering her husband around.

Plus, I am pretty sure that a lot of men ask for help and/or tell their wives to do things. Clearly a good percentage of men do.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> I'll chime in now. The reason that the quote from the other thread got my attention is that I've witnesses a lot of married men asking, and even telling their wives what the man believes the wife needs to do. In my marriages I definitely experienced it.
> 
> I've been married 3 times. I've ended up the bread winner each time... I mean the sole person working.
> 
> ...


Why do you think you married three very similar men.I remember from another thread one of your husbands attacked you,was violence a common factor with your husbands.


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Um, my husbands were not raised during the days of ADHD. They were raised with a father in home ... fathers who apparently modeled the same behavior.
> 
> Trying to blame, for example my experience, on women is beyond the pale.


Just a cultural shift and observation backed by what Ive seen over quite a few years. Taking a macro viewpoint. Of course there other reasons. 

Ive seen this in the US. I'll bet folks in the U.K. Can see this too. Single families are not the best environment. Boys can use a decent male role model. Nothing wrong with that. I blame the cultural shift, not women. Why did that father disappear. Why did he Not step up and own his child and marry. Why did the boy grow up fatherless.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Andy1001 said:


> Why do you think you married three very similar men.I remember from another thread one of your husbands attacked you,was violence a common factor with your husbands.


Clearly my man-picker is broken. I think that most people pick similar people in their relationships. There is a lot of literature out there on why this is.

My first husband became violent.. but only after he suffered brain damage. He had an intracranial aneurism on the day of our first anniversary. He had brain surgery and was in intensive care for 2 months. He was never ok after that. It was after this that he started with the violence. The last time I was alone with him he was planning on killing me. He ended up killing himself at a later time.

I dated and mostly lived with my 2nd husband for 5 years before we marriage. While we did argue once in a while, he was not violent at all. The violence only showed up after a few years of marriage. So there was no predicting it.

Husband #3, never even raised his voice at me much less did anything violent.


ETA: By the way, none of these guys are anything like my father.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Yes he may ask for help if he is doing a job that requires 2 pairs of hands. Also he sometimes asks if I will do some research online, or order him something.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Clearly my man-picker is broken. I think that most people pick similar people in their relationships. There is a lot of literature out there on why this is.
> 
> My first husband became violent.. but only after he suffered brain damage. He had an intracranial aneurism on the day of our first anniversary. He had brain surgery and was in intensive care for 2 months. He was never ok after that. It was after this that he started with the violence. The last time I was alone with him he was planning on killing me. He ended up killing himself at a later time.
> 
> ...


That is a problem in relationships,you can talk about sharing housework,sharing child rearing,equal partners in everything. But if a physical fight starts, in most cases the man is just bigger and stronger and he will come out on top.I recommend to every woman I know to learn self defence purely for protection against an abusive partner.Three times a week in my gym there are free classes for women and they are always well attended.The most frustrating thing is most of these women have allready been attacked by husbands or boyfriends and a lot of them are still with the abuser.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Ele,

That is really, really sad. And wrong for a partner to do. 




EleGirl said:


> I'll chime in now. The reason that the quote from the other thread got my attention is that I've witnesses a lot of married men asking, and even telling their wives what the man believes the wife needs to do. In my marriages I definitely experienced it.
> 
> I've been married 3 times. I've ended up the bread winner each time... I mean the sole person working.
> 
> ...


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Openminded said:


> I had a marriage where I worked full-time and had all the responsibility for everything else. My husband's reasoning was that his career was much more demanding than mine (which was true but mine wasn't exactly non-demanding). If I needed "help" I had to ask for it and it wasn't necessarily given. There were many battles fought about his "help" over the decades but things never changed. I eventually just gave up because it was easier for me to do it than to constantly fight about it. Marriages like the one I had are likely to cause very serious resentment long-term. I would never again tolerate that. Life's way too short.


This was my marriage to my ex. Such a schmuck. While discussing divorce he stated that he was going to "take the boys" (not the girls, they might need something girly). I asked him, "Do you even know what schools they go to? Who their friends are? What subjects they need help in? Who their doctor is?" No, he didn't. He took the cat.... then brought it back! LOL Too much responsibility! 

All that to say that I had to be very independent, and I was/am. In my current marriage (11 years now) I had to LEARN to ask him to help. Sometimes when I don't need help....actually, I almost never need help. He WANTS to help. He's taught me about partnership and how it should work. We are an awesome team....and we both appreciate this.  

So yes, we ask each other to do things. And we thank each other when they are done.


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## CaliRN13 (Jun 30, 2017)

Yes, he asks nicely


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

SunnyT said:


> This was my marriage to my ex. Such a schmuck. While discussing divorce he stated that he was going to "take the boys" (not the girls, they might need something girly). I asked him, "Do you even know what schools they go to? Who their friends are? What subjects they need help in? Who their doctor is?" No, he didn't. He took the cat.... then brought it back! LOL Too much responsibility!
> 
> All that to say that I had to be very independent, and I was/am. In my current marriage (11 years now) I had to LEARN to ask him to help. Sometimes when I don't need help....actually, I almost never need help. *He WANTS to help. He's taught me about partnership and how it should work. We are an awesome team....and we both appreciate this.
> 
> So yes, we ask each other to do things. And we thank each other when they are done.*


This is fantastic  MrH often says we are a partnership and it is natural that we help each other. He is such a gorgeous man, hard working and thrives on team work. We often thank each other as well.

EG I am sorry to hear your times have been so hard. Are you currently married, in a partnership? You are such a strong, intelligent woman.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Ele,

As to your man picker - I'm not certain. 

As to the horribly bad luck you have had - that could happen to any of us. 

I truly am sorry how this has played out for you. Truly awful. 





EleGirl said:


> Clearly my man-picker is broken. I think that most people pick similar people in their relationships. There is a lot of literature out there on why this is.
> 
> My first husband became violent.. but only after he suffered brain damage. He had an intracranial aneurism on the day of our first anniversary. He had brain surgery and was in intensive care for 2 months. He was never ok after that. It was after this that he started with the violence. The last time I was alone with him he was planning on killing me. He ended up killing himself at a later time.
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Holland,

Yes - it is true you are in a partnership. It is ALSO true that you have a genuine sense of kindness, of decency and restraint towards your partner. 

I believe (this is not a moral judgement - merely an objective observation) that you are the house alpha. And am equally certain that you genuinely care about and love your partner......

He is equally aware that you are the alpha partner AND the decent human being you are.....

  






MrsHolland said:


> This is fantastic  MrH often says we are a partnership and it is natural that we help each other. He is such a gorgeous man, hard working and thrives on team work. We often thank each other as well.
> 
> EG I am sorry to hear your times have been so hard. Are you currently married, in a partnership? You are such a strong, intelligent woman.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

MrsHolland said:


> This is fantastic  MrH often says we are a partnership and it is natural that we help each other. He is such a gorgeous man, hard working and thrives on team work. We often thank each other as well.
> 
> EG I am sorry to hear your times have been so hard. Are you currently married, in a partnership? You are such a strong, intelligent woman.


Well thank you. I don't consider my times to have been so hard. Kind of a "count your blessings" thing. I suppose at the time I thought it was hard tho! But, my philosophy is that everything in my life...all the trials and the joys... have brought me to this place where I am today. And its an awesome place to be. I lived, I learned, and here I am.... still learning. And teaching! We are a good story for our kids and thier spouses, as well as a good support system for them. And ten grands now - loving it! And, I'm a teacher!  Life is good. 

Currently married, met online at midlifecrisisforum.com. Great big, blended family...everyone gets along and helps each other. I chose wisely this time!


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

SunnyT said:


> Well thank you. I don't consider my times to have been so hard. Kind of a "count your blessings" thing. I suppose at the time I thought it was hard tho! But, my philosophy is that everything in my life...all the trials and the joys... have brought me to this place where I am today. And its an awesome place to be. I lived, I learned, and here I am.... still learning. And teaching! We are a good story for our kids and thier spouses, as well as a good support system for them. And ten grands now - loving it! And, I'm a teacher!  Life is good.
> 
> Currently married, met online at midlifecrisisforum.com. Great big, blended family...everyone gets along and helps each other. I chose wisely this time!


Wow some parallels there. Sorry the last part of my post was to EleGirl (EG) I have no clue how to link to a posters name.

But regardless you response was very interesting. We too are a blended family with 5 teens/young adults plus one of their partners. My kids do a vague sort of 50/50 with their bio dad but as they get older they choose which house they are at. 
MrH's first wife has lots of issues so we have their kids most of the time.
We are a loud and busy household and we are loving it too. Bravo to choosing wisely, your thinking is very similar to mine, I learnt and grew from the past and it has paid off in spades.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

MEM2020 said:


> Holland,
> 
> Yes - it is true you are in a partnership. It is ALSO true that you have a genuine sense of kindness, of decency and restraint towards your partner.
> 
> ...


You're the man MEM :x

Yes the house alpha, I like that. It works for us but it is not preconceived, never really thought about it before. He is a very accomplished professional that works extremely hard and earns big dollars, does that make him the work alpha? We do look after each other very well and it feels good


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Livvie said:


> I think oftentimes a man doesn't need to ask, because it is just expected the woman will do certain things. There seems to be many marriages (in which they BOTH work) in which the man just expects the woman to cook, clean, make sure the household is running. She has to *ask* him to contribute to the partnership in domestic chores while it's just a given that she already is.



The above is our marriage.. It's seems when he's crabby or just being an ass he'll say don't you have some cleaning to do..


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

anonmd said:


> Dunno what to tell you other than your husbands may have been male but they weren't 'a man'.
> 
> The statement was "A man does not say, I need you to cook this now.", I agree with the statement. It doesn't say no husband ever does this. I'd say hubby is not a man if he does this regularly with the possible exception of you do need to speak up at least once. FIP just spoke up, bet it doesn't happen again or at least much .


Real Estate is a good learner. Maybe I shouldn't say that, it feels condescending to say it that way. But when I say "Hey, I don't like it when you do this" or "When you do or say this, it hurts my feelings/upsets me" he takes note, and makes a concerted effort not to do it again. I know that he tries hard to do this, so I'm not so hard on him when he slips up or forgets. I mean, the man REALLY tries, and it shows that he cares... which makes it easier for me to speak up (rather than bottling it or suppressing it).

Since that conversation, I noticed that he is intentionally saying "please" more of then than before. He's still learning me, but he's doing a good job


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> This question is inspired by a thread where a poster said that men just do not tell their wives to do things...
> 
> For example, a wife might:
> 
> ...


I don't bother asking her for anything anymore. It will just end up as an argument and another 10 point raise in my blood pressure that I don't need. She takes anything I ask as an invasion of her privacy or an attempt by me to control her.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Satya said:


> @EleGirl, I think I missed the spirit of your post. It seems that you were trying to poll to see whether wives are told to do things, as if expected of them (duty). I was thinking the question was more in terms of a general idea of whether husbands ask for things of their wives.


My man doesn't tell/order me to do things. 

He doesn't really ask of me often, come to think of it. I'm hard-pressed to think when he has. Most recently, he was unwell and asked me to pick up ice-cream and lozenges on the way home. He's asked if I'll iron his shirts for him. Ironing is not an automatic regular task I do for us. We usually iron our own clothes as needed. Of course I helped with these simple requests. If one of us is unwell, we generally offer first if the other needs anything brought home. I guess we also have our rhythm of who does what in terms of tasks that works for us.

We had to fly interstate for a weekend recently. I was asking his preferences with arrangements and he replied he didn't have capacity to think about it due to workload/stress. He didn't ask me to take care of it but it's obvious I needed to. A couple weeks later, just before leaving, it occurred to him that certain arrangements might be needed. I told him he just needed to show up. When we landed, I took us to collect the booked hire car (and we scored a free vehicle upgrade) before heading to hotel. He turned and thanked me for sorting everything and having it run so smoothly. 

It's not often he 'asks' of me. I trust he knows he can..! It seems we both pitch in with what's needed, and when, to help one another. He is extremely considerate towards me. I'm more likely to ask when I feel I need help. That's something I've learned is helpful - either to get the thing done, or for perspective to get out of my own head. What makes me smile, is when we have guests visiting and he knows I end up with a long mental list of stuff to get done. He just says 'Put me to work, what do you need from me?' And we both get to it. Granted, some tasks might get cut but he recognizes it's important to me and shows up.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

Can someone tell me what FOO is?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Not said:


> Can someone tell me what FOO is?


FOO = family of origin. It's that family in which you grew up.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

Thank you.


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