# Well she did it part 2



## captainron (Feb 19, 2010)

Well I started a thread on thinking of seperation thought I'd start one on here because now we live apart,to catch up on my saga read part 1. I'm going to gym almost everyday and just went back to work I've been on lay off since Dec, eating good, calling up and hanging with old true friends I'm going tonite to start packing up her things. I thought I was doing pretty good till I went to work today and everything I looked at reminded me of her, just alot of little things that I no I can't change. I work construction and during the summer months I work nights and she used to bring the kids out and dinner, now I look around and that's what I think about. It's wierd how you think your doing good then BAM your back on that rollorcoaster ride from hell.
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## captainron (Feb 19, 2010)

One thing I have to tell you is she came to get the kids yesterday and I was kind of short to her,I never asked her about us,I never asked for a hug, and I really wasn't pretending i just wanted for her to leave, they walked out the door and I said bye to the boys and she turned around and said bye and I just smiled and stared at her, she had a dumbstruck look on her face and just stood there, then just walked around the corner ( I made sure the kids where already out of the way of seeing us). Then 45 mins later she texted me saying she forgot something and can she stop bye, I said yes. When she showed up she got the toys and looked me in the face and asked if there was anything I needed to tell her and I said no, then she asked how I was doing and I said I'm fine, then she stared at me somemore, the asked again if there was anything I needed to tell her and I said "no and that's all" she just opened the door and walked out without saying a word. I'm not trying to look into this to much but it made me think I'm starting to crawl back up.
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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

captainron said:


> One thing I have to tell you is she came to get the kids yesterday and I was kind of short to her,I never asked her about us,I never asked for a hug, and I really wasn't pretending i just wanted for her to leave, they walked out the door and I said bye to the boys and she turned around and said bye and I just smiled and stared at her, she had a dumbstruck look on her face and just stood there, then just walked around the corner ( I made sure the kids where already out of the way of seeing us). Then 45 mins later she texted me saying she forgot something and can she stop bye, I said yes. When she showed up she got the toys and looked me in the face and asked if there was anything I needed to tell her and I said no, then she asked how I was doing and I said I'm fine, then she stared at me somemore, the asked again if there was anything I needed to tell her and I said "no and that's all" she just opened the door and walked out without saying a word. I'm not trying to look into this to much but it made me think I'm starting to crawl back up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


could it be she might want you to discuss your marriage issues ? Has she already told you what is her final decison ?


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## captainron (Feb 19, 2010)

Oh yah she has told me we are done for the last 8 weeks
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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds like she expected you to fight for the marriage and her, and now you're not, and she is sad.

Sometimes women need their man to fight for them. It's primeval. She probably doesn't even realize it. But it happens. 

If you want her, make a concerted effort.

Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires. Ask her to fill them out, so you can 'know what you did wrong.' Once she does, it will tell you where you went wrong, and what you can do to become the man she wanted you to be.


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## captainron (Feb 19, 2010)

I tryed everything to get back with her tryed to have her write down that but she said no, the last thing she said before I shut down is "we are done and to prove it I will go get a boyfriend" so here I am lost, I no most of are problems but she doesn't want to work on them, her love to me as she says has been dieing in her for the last two years,she says that she should of told me but she kept it inside hoping things would change
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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That doesn't stop you from making the changes anyway.

She WILL notice.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

She may notice, but she may not care. Just be realistic. I see so many people read things into their spouse's behaviors. As someone who did the leaving, please know that all I was looking for was some sign that he was getting the message and getting over it. I did not hate him and I treated him kindly; your spouse could be doing the same. Change, but change FOR YOU. Do not expect to win back the spouse. IF--and that is a big IF--you make some progress there, great. BUT if you go about this right, you may not even want that spouse back after you have changed--the decision will be yours, and you will weigh it carefully, b/c you have reconstructed a new "you" and you will be deciding if they fit in with the new "you" or not. That is your goal, to be independent and able to make decisions for yourself that are not based on desperation or neediness. 

Good luck.


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## captainron (Feb 19, 2010)

The things I have got out ocher is we never had any comunication skills we both agree it's both are faults 50/50, she says I'm aliitle controling and I'm the only one that she let's do that to her and she doesn't no why,she says that I sulk when I don't get my way, and are councler said I don't no that I do it, most of the time I don't but I am working on my problems for me and my future, let alone if she ever comes back, she gave me the "I don't love you anymore" talk and ever since then she said she's done and moved out, she's in the process of switching over bills and stuffing her name only
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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's true she may not care. But she will notice, if you stay in contact. And no one says you have to be with a partner right now. You could not end up with someone for another 5 years, and that's fine. And if you keep working on yourself, and she's still in the picture, what drew her to you in the first place may work in your favor. No matter what, improving yourself makes you a better person and more marketable all around.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> She may notice, but she may not care. Just be realistic. I see so many people read things into their spouse's behaviors. As someone who did the leaving, please know that all I was looking for was some sign that he was getting the message and getting over it. I did not hate him and I treated him kindly; your spouse could be doing the same. Change, but change FOR YOU. Do not expect to win back the spouse. IF--and that is a big IF--you make some progress there, great. BUT if you go about this right, you may not even want that spouse back after you have changed--the decision will be yours, and you will weigh it carefully, b/c you have reconstructed a new "you" and you will be deciding if they fit in with the new "you" or not. That is your goal, to be independent and able to make decisions for yourself that are not based on desperation or neediness.
> 
> Good luck.


 I agree with sisters359 , change for yourself not for her because I believe it is just a waste of time trying to fight for a person who doesn't give a crap to you.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

captainron said:


> I tryed everything to get back with her tryed to have her write down that but she said no, the last thing she said before I shut down is "we are done and to prove it I will go get a boyfriend" so here I am lost, I no most of are problems but she doesn't want to work on them, her love to me as she says has been dieing in her for the last two years,she says that she should of told me but she kept it inside hoping things would change
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Best way of dealing with a partner whom u love deeply but she doesn't want you and doesn't want to change the way she feels is to simply ask them to just get the f* out of your life as for you she will always be a deterrent to your happiness . 

There are so many stories on this site like this & in every story I see it ended with husband badly hurt & having issues with self-esteem because they couldn't believe their partner can be so cold . 

So I would suggest you get busy moving on for a better partner .
best of luck


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## captainron (Feb 19, 2010)

Thank you all, yah I'm in the stage that I still care for her and no I'll have to deal with her rest of my life because of the kids , but right now I'm packing all her stuff up and working one. Can anybody out there push me in the right direction to read and work on my controling issues, my therepest doesn't see it but I still want to see if it's there.and I am beating my self up by thinking why she just left and gave up, I no she has been thinking about it for awile but that doesn't help. Time Time Time, I torment myself, when I go to the gym I have met a girl there that I no is going through a divorce and we just small chat, (I'm not looking for anything, next relationship I'm in I want to give that person all of me with no baggage) it gets your mind thinking that there is someone else out there that could love you, so I get happy then go home and pack her things up and I cry when I see all the pictures and stuff. This rollorcoaster ride from hell needs to stop sometime, I no someday I'll look back and laugh, thanks for listsening to me ramble on
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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

captainron said:


> Thank you all, yah I'm in the stage that I still care for her and no I'll have to deal with her rest of my life because of the kids , but right now I'm packing all her stuff up and working one. Can anybody out there push me in the right direction to read and work on my controling issues, my therepest doesn't see it but I still want to see if it's there.and I am beating my self up by thinking why she just left and gave up, I no she has been thinking about it for awile but that doesn't help. Time Time Time, I torment myself, when I go to the gym I have met a girl there that I no is going through a divorce and we just small chat, (I'm not looking for anything, next relationship I'm in I want to give that person all of me with no baggage) it gets your mind thinking that there is someone else out there that could love you, so I get happy then go home and pack her things up and I cry when I see all the pictures and stuff. This rollorcoaster ride from hell needs to stop sometime, I no someday I'll look back and laugh, thanks for listsening to me ramble on
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


U should not beat up yourself about why she left . The point is the right thing to do was to at least try to work it out together before giving up , but she did not .


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I don't know when it stops Captain. For me I still have moments. Here is a book suggestion that I just finished entitled "The Strong Man a Woman Wants" by Elliot Katz.

In the book a grandfather explains how to be a man to his grandson who is going through issues with his wife of 7 years. He talks and distinguishes between being strong versus controlling. Maybe it will help you. I connected with this book. It is somethign I'll share with my son when he is older.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Were you passive-aggressive as a way of controlling--pouting and/or shutting down until you get what you want? The pouting has come up in a couple of your other posts. Being passive-aggressive is one way to gain control. 

Sounds like you are doing a lot of good things for yourself--putting away her stuff, going to the gym. It's spring, so add some outdoor time to your routines--sunlight is really good for you, mentally! 

I admire the fact that although you seem to have been blind-sided by her decision, you have accepted responsibility. Too often, people continue to say, "I know I wasn't all that great, BUT, BUT, BUT. . ." You have moved pretty quickly to the point where you no longer keep focusing on the "BUT" part--I'm sure you still wonder, yet you are not "stuck" on it. Good luck!


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## captainron (Feb 19, 2010)

Up down, up down, I was a big fan of rollorcoasters but after this section of life I don't no if I ever want to see one again, let alone ride it.
Thanks Sisters, I'm doing what I can, I live in a town of 20,000 not much and she lives about a mile from me, im starting to catch myself driving through a parking lot so I can see if her car is there before I go in. And I no I have problems I'll be the first to admit it and I want to fix me, the thing I can't understand is why she didn't tell me when it first started bothering her, and I still can't get over that she is just done with it and there's no working on the marriage. I can honestly say I didn't see it coming to this, I just thought we where just in a rut by doing the same things every day. I won't lie, I miss her, and still love her, and would take her back if we worked on it, but I no that she is just like every other one that goes through this, I don't get my hopes up, so that's why I'm focusing on me- the only thing on this great earth that I no I can change. Hopefully I'll stay on this board and help others out as much as you guys have helped me out. I'll be back to rant somemore later.
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## captainron (Feb 19, 2010)

Ok I have to post this just to let it out of my head. Don't have the kids this week so I decided to pack all of the wifes things up and move all of it to the garage, I packed everything in new boxes, labeled every box, bubble rapped the breakables. I thought I was doing her a favor and doing me one by getting itcout of the house so I don't have to look at it anymore. Well I went to eat at my moms house Thursday night, she lives right by my sons daycare, when the stbx drove by she say my pickup and new I wasn't home and went there to get some paper work, she has always told me when she wants something from the house so that I will let her in, but I think she was trying to pull a fast one on me. When I got home I new she was there because a person living alone nos what is missing, well she texted me " looks like you've been busy, we need to talk" for the last two weeks of done the 180 mostly for myself to get respect back, so I find out that she is pissed that I packed everything up and she doesn't no where anything is, I told her about the marking if the boxes and all that, all she had to say is "we need to talk" I'm sneaking out of town this weekend so I texted her we can talk Sunday night when you drop off the boys. I never heard a reply, I'm not looking to deep into the talk thing, she probley just wants to chew me out, but I think I have her head messed up right now with me just thinking about me and not us, it's almost comical if I still wasn't on this roller coaster, well thanks fir listening to me. 
Just want to say that I read almost every post that people put up in here, but I don't reply because I don't no what to say. So if nobody replys to your posts don't worry there's people out there that is thinking of you.
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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yes, taking steps to show YOU can move on can really shake up a wayward. I highly recommend it. Remember, it is YOU who should be mad. She has no RIGHT to be mad at this point. If she tries to be, just laugh at her. When she gets mad at you for laughing, just laugh again (shows you can move on), and say, "You're kidding me, right? YOU cheated, and you think you have the right to be mad at ME? _That's_ funny."

It will drive her crazy.

OTOH, if you want her back, don't forget that you should be doing a Plan A - which means you always look great, smell great, have a life, are doing all the things around the house that she always wanted done...so she can see the life she's throwing away. And if you want her back, make sure you make it clear to her she can come back any time she wants, IF she agrees to your requirements (no contact letter, access to her phone and computer and passwords, GPS in her car, etc.).


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