# Really bothered by wifes weight gain.



## Markstwo (Dec 15, 2015)

My wife and I are both 44, were HS sweet hearts and got married at 19. She's a really wonderful woman but she has gained quite a bit of weight over the years. I do realize it's just natural to gain weight as you get older but she has probably 25-30 lbs heavier than her HS weight. She is a small woman too so it really doesn't look good on her. 

I have tried getting her to go to the gym with me but she won't nor does she exercise. I know this can be a sensitive topic for women but I'd really like some thoughts what to do, she is getting heavier and I am finding myself attracted to her less and less.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

How is your fitness and physical appearance?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

No you can't do anything about it as long as she doesn't want to loose weight. Love her the way she is. What about you, do you look the same as you did in High School? Have all your hair? Same weight? I doubt it. My husband has gained weight since high school and I tell him that it's more of him for me to love.


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

dude 99.99999999999999999999999999999998% of women will weigh more at 44 than at 19. hell it is only a pound a year roughly! Sounds like maybe you are wishing for a 19-20 year old instead of the wife you have.


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

Neither of you are going to look now the way you did when you were 19. 30 pounds over her high school size doesn't seem like a huge weight gain over 25 years. Has she had kids?

If you want her to get more exercise, you could find something fun and active that the two of you could do together. It would be good exercise and good bonding time.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

happy2gether said:


> dude 99.99999999999999999999999999999998% of women will weigh more at 44 than at 19. hell it is only a pound a year roughly! Sounds like maybe you are wishing for a 19-20 year old instead of the wife you have.


My wife weighs only a pound or two more than she did when I met her 20 years ago.

A pound a year is a lot.


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## Markstwo (Dec 15, 2015)

NoSizeQueen said:


> Neither of you are going to look now the way you did when you were 19. 30 pounds over her high school size doesn't seem like a huge weight gain over 25 years. Has she had kids?
> 
> If you want her to get more exercise, you could find something fun and active that the two of you could do together. It would be good exercise and good bonding time.


Three. But I have known women in my age group that have had just as many or even more that haven't had surgery or anything yet managed to maintain a healthy weight. I work with a woman that's 42 and has had 4 and looks amazing!


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## Markstwo (Dec 15, 2015)

Happilymarried25 said:


> No you can't do anything about it as long as she doesn't want to loose weight. Love her the way she is. What about you, do you look the same as you did in High School? Have all your hair? Same weight? I doubt it. My husband has gained weight since high school and I tell him that it's more of him for me to love.


No, but weight doesn't effect men like it does women.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Markstwo said:


> Three. But I have known women in my age group that have had just as many or even more that haven't had surgery or anything yet managed to maintain a healthy weight. I work with a woman that's 42 and has had 4 and looks amazing!


Try not to compare, looking at other women in that way can actually make your wife looks worse and can be dangerous grounds for affairs to start.

How's the relationship overall? How much time do you spend together? Forget the gym, what about dancing? Rock climbing? Hiking with a packed picnic lunch break? That gives you both date time and being active.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You are the problem, not her. If you love her, she will always look like the due you married her. Stop worrying and be happy she is alive and healthy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

So you have talked to her about this right? What has she said?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

25-30 lbs?

After 25 years?

You poor bastard.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

Markstwo said:


> No, but weight doesn't effect men like it does women.


Wow, really??? I think it does.

You don't think women care how men age/gain weight? 

Total sexist hypocrisy and generalization. You want her not to care that you aged/gained weight/didn't stay in shape, yet you expect her to stay in shape for you. Just wow.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I think if you are just being genuine about your attraction for her, you should be able to tell her this is affecting your feelings about her. But if you are simply comparing her to other women and finding her lacking, you need to be honest with yourself about that. In the absence of other women to compare her with, do you think you would be attracted to her or not? Surely you also know women who have gained quite a lot more weight than she has.

That said, if you are losing your attraction to her she needs to know this. Don't be whiny or weird about it, just say it kindly but honestly. Be prepared for her to be hurt, etc. Stay grounded and explain you don't want to feel this way either but her weight gain is affecting you.

Did you answer the part about your own weight? If you've gained that much too, then meh, there's really nothing to discuss here.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Markstwo said:


> I work with a woman that's 42 and has had 4 and looks amazing!


This is a little troublesome and I have the feeling you actually have a crush on this woman and that's what is causing you to feel a loss of attraction to your wife.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Why doesn't she care? This is about more than appearance, its a major health issue.

I put on weight a couple years ago (job stress) and I became obsessed about it coming off. I'm attractive, so there was certainly some vanity involved but the main reason is I work way too hard now to be unhealthy and unable to fully enjoy retirement. 

It could be perimenopausal issues now, but all the more reason for her to get it under control.

Can you afford to hire a trainer?


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

It's really not about working out to stay in shape, it has more to do with what one eats. I lost 100lbs in one year by only changing my diet, it's hard to stay away from all of that addictive, bad for you food. Good luck.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You want to be careful what you wish for OP...that 42 year old woman who looks amazing may not be all you think she is.

I have an acquaintance who's slimmer than I, blonde and very attractive. Men's jaws drop when she enters a room. Her husband's nickname is 'Lucky B'.

She also happens to be very controlling, extremely moody, tight with money, hates sex and her law enforcement husband checks his balls at the door when he gets home.

I know my hubby prefers me any day - even though I have a few dimples and jiggly bits, I make him very happy and he rocks my world


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Markstwo said:


> I know this can be a sensitive topic for women but I'd really like some thoughts what to do, she is getting heavier and I am finding myself attracted to her less and less.


I think you should tell her that the weight gain is a problem for you. There's no reason for either partner in a relationship to let him or herself go. Are you fit?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

You say you've gained some weight too, but that it shouldn't matter on you. How much weight have you gained since high school? If she says she doesn't want to go to the gym, but she'll do more physical activity with you, are you willing to do that with her?

I agree with other posters about not comparing her to other women. There is no certain way she's supposed to look. And for every woman that has several kids and hasn't gained weight, there's another that's had one or none, and has gained 60 pounds.

Is your wife generally an active person? Does she show any interest in exercise and healthy eating?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Have you looked into other ways you BOTH can stay fit? I never go to the gym, but my wife and I walk a lot (there are some large parks near us). Long walks are pleasant, romantic and help you stay in shape. There are lots of other "soft" sports to do.

In the end though, neither of you is going to stay as sexy looking at 50 as you were at 20. Most people don't notice this when they are in love.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

Faithful Wife said:


> This is a little troublesome and I have the feeling you actually have a crush on this woman and that's what is causing you to feel a loss of attraction to your wife.


(That's really what this post is about.)


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

to gain 30 pounds in 25 years does not sound like a lot.

I'm 5'6", gained 30 pounds in the last 5 years. I'm 55. I went up two dress sizes. I'm still not fat by today's standards.


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

I always tell men I know you are visual and I know its important to you. I have always tried to stay in shape for that reason. However unless you look like Brad Pitt, you need to get realistic fast before you lose your woman to a man who will appreciate everything she has to offer. Everyone ages differently and women tend to put on weight (as do men) as they age. There are exceptions to every rule but for most people this holds true.

And I do think you have a crush on another woman so your wife's weight gain is not the issue at all. It is your temptation.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

sapientia said:


> Why doesn't she care? This is about more than appearance, its a major health issue.
> 
> I put on weight a couple years ago (job stress) and I became obsessed about it coming off. I'm attractive, so there was certainly some vanity involved but the main reason is I work way too hard now to be unhealthy and unable to fully enjoy retirement.
> 
> ...


I disagree that 20-25 pounds is a health issue. Even on a petite woman. Unless she was heavy to start with and it sounds like she was not. That one size up; two at the MOST if her body composition changed as well.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> In the absence of other women to compare her with, do you think you would be attracted to her or not? Surely you also know women who have gained quite a lot more weight than she has.


FW:

I understand the point you are making here, but how is it possible in reality to actually do?

Women are around men most hours of every day. I know that when my wife first started to put on weight about 8 years ago, I found myself comparing her not only to those I saw regularly, but to those who were complete strangers.

None of them had anything to do with a crush.



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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Markstwo said:


> No, but weight doesn't effect men like it does women.


Then you can't complain bro if you're heavier too.

Set the example. Start going to the gym three times a week.

Lose your weight and get in really good shape. 

She will notice and more likely than not want to join in after seeing how good you look.

That's the best way to get her to come around rather than insult her by saying she's too fat.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Slow Hand said:


> It's really not about working out to stay in shape, it has more to do with what one eats. I lost 100lbs in one year by only changing my diet, it's hard to stay away from all of that addictive, bad for you food. Good luck.


Yes, OP, can you try taking over the grocery shopping and cooking for a few weeks, and make sure you are cooking healthy foods? 

Maybe that could kick start some weight loss if you focus on healthy eating and living rather than weight.

Exercise only gets you so far if you have a bad diet.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> 25-30 lbs?
> 
> After 25 years?
> 
> You poor bastard.



No ****, My wife gained that in a year......:surprise:


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Yes it does affect men and we find it just as unappealing when our men get fat. Maybe she's unmotivated because you don't look as great as think you do. 

I suspect you have an unrealistic view of how good you look;. I promise you don't look 19 and your weight gain looks worse then realize.

Maybe health and fitness is something you can pursue together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> *Yes it does affect men and we find it just as unappealing when our men get fat. * Maybe she's unmotivated because you don't look as great as think you do.
> 
> I suspect you have an unrealistic view of how good you look;. I promise you don't look 19 and your weight gain looks worse then realize.
> 
> ...


alot f men gain weight straight into their stomach and nowhere else.

A lot of women are benefitd by weight going to a lot of places so that, at least, the proportions remain roughtly the same.

Excess weight collecting for the most part inthe stomach makes someone more susceptible to diabetes.... men or women.


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## hawkeye (Oct 6, 2012)

frusdil said:


> You want to be careful what you wish for OP...that 42 year old woman who looks amazing may not be all you think she is.
> 
> I have an acquaintance who's slimmer than I, blonde and very attractive. Men's jaws drop when she enters a room. Her husband's nickname is 'Lucky B'.
> 
> ...


Right, because staying in shape means there must be something else wrong with you. And fat people totally can't be controlling and moody.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

I am a weight lifting fanatic. From the neck down, I could pass for a guy in my 20's. However, from the neck up, age shows. I only say that to qualify my next comment. You are f___ing crazy. 25 lbs in 25 years is just part of life. As long as it is not a major health factor, then you need to get over it or move on to save her the pain of your insecurity. My wife is not the same size as she was in HS. However, I still find her quite attractive. Now, if she was morbidly obese, that would be a greatly different issue. My wife is relatively tall, so she carries the weight well. She has had babies, gone through life changes, things happen. Not morbid obesity, but things happen.

If I were you, I would get myself in the gym and get those broad shoulders and 6 pack abs that she is likely seeing on TV and comparing you to. As they say, those in glass houses should not throw stones.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I have the same problem and I think it's just one of the ways a woman has of telling you that your feelings and needs don't matter to her. She could lose the weight and knows that you don't like the way she looks with it on her, but decides not to do anything. I noticed the weight gain just about the time I realized she didn't care about other aspects of the marriage. It a slippery slope once you start falling down it.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

technovelist said:


> My wife weighs only a pound or two more than she did when I met her 20 years ago.
> 
> A pound a year is a lot.


Yeah, unless you're also growing an inch a year, a pound a year extra weight is a lot.

I actually weigh a lot less than I did in HS/College and have maintained this current weight for over 8 years. It's normal to fluctuate 1-4 lbs according to my doctor, but unless your lifestyle and eating habits have had a massive change, you should not be consistently gaining.

Things like menopause are going to wreak havoc on your metabolism. It also changes in your early 30s for many people. My poor mom gets regular exercise but she gains weight if she breathes air.. And she was once stunningly slim.

It's tough to encourage weight loss unless your wife really wants it for herself. Is the excess weight due to poor eating? Lack of exercise? Both? 

If my SO is going down a dark path in terms of eating habits, I go to the cupboard and I throw out/give away any and all of the "snacky" carb and salt-rich foods. I buy carrots and celery and those 100-calorie packs of nuts. SO gets the hint when he goes to pick and he sees that the cupboard is bare. You might not succeed at making such a bold move yet... I think you need to have a serious talk with her if it is affecting your attraction. There's no "nice" way to discuss the topic... At least, none that I'm aware of that would produce actual results. Most of the time, your concerns will be met with a "F-U", either directly or passively-aggressively.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> I have the same problem and I think it's just one of the ways a woman has of telling you that your feelings and needs don't matter to her. She could lose the weight and knows that you don't like the way she looks with it on her, but decides not to do anything. I noticed the weight gain just about the time I realized she didn't care about other aspects of the marriage. It a slippery slope once you start falling down it.


OR, her weight gain could have nothing to do with HIM, and everything to do with 25 years of HER life. Not everything is about sticking it to our husbands because we aren't into them, you know. 

Weight is a big problem for a lot of people as they age, including men, and it's not necessarily a reflection of how they feel about their partners.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

norajane said:


> OR, her weight gain could have nothing to do with HIM, and everything to do with 25 years of HER life. Not everything is about sticking it to our husbands because we aren't into them, you know.
> 
> Weight is a big problem for a lot of people as they age, including men, and it's not necessarily a reflection of how they feel about their partners.


I would agree with you, but she COULD lose the weight but doesn't. That to me is a conscious decision to do something that would upset her husband.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> I would agree with you, but she COULD lose the weight but doesn't. That to me is a conscious decision to do something that would upset her husband.


Does the fact that he's also gained weight mean he doesn't care about her?

He assumes she doesn't care but he really doesn't know. He just assumes extra weight on men is no big deal. 

Convenient.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

farsidejunky said:


> FW:
> 
> I understand the point you are making here, but how is it possible in reality to actually do?
> 
> ...


I can see and notice people around me without comparing them to my husband. 

I only compare my husband with himself. If he gains weight, I compare him to when he was thinner. Likewise if he gains muscle or loses weight, I compare him to when he was fatter or less fit.

I'm pretty sure he does the same with me. If he notices other women that's fine, feeling attraction to others is normal. But I have never, ever felt compared to them.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> I would agree with you, but she COULD lose the weight but doesn't. That to me is a conscious decision to do something that would upset her husband.


LOL, women do not consciously choose to stay overweight because they want to upset their husbands. :rofl:

It must be difficult to get through the day when a person thinks EVERYTHING their partner does or doesn't do is about sticking it to him.

Wives have their own minds, their own stresses, their own issues, their own feelings, and their own thoughts. All of those thoughts do not revolve around their husbands, nor how to upset their husbands.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

My wife has been quite heavy at times (especially after childbirth) and I really have just never noticed. I mean I know she weighs a great deal more than when we married but she is so much more evolved from when we met of course. When we were engaged I told her I was not marrying her for the person she was then but more for the person I expected she would become. Overall she has exceeded my expectations. Unless she got morbidly obese it is just not going to be an issue. 

Sorry it just seems shallow to me.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
yes she could - but life is full of making tradeoffs and as others have suggested, not all of those tradeoffs have to do with their partners.

I *could* learn to be a gourmet cook and make dinner for my wife every night. The fact that I don't doesn't mean that I'm ignoring her, just that I have other things I want to spend my time doing.





jb02157 said:


> I would agree with you, but she COULD lose the weight but doesn't. That to me is a conscious decision to do something that would upset her husband.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

It's proven most Americans tend to downplay weight gain, most people who are obese think they're only 10 pounds overweight, nothing a little jogging can't fix. Meanwhile they're north of 40 lbs above where someone with their height/weight and fitness level should be at. If she's a small woman 30 lbs overweight can be a real significant amount of weight to be carrying around.

Today most Americans have a vision of an "overweight person" and they think someone who is morbidly obese, like 100 lbs overweight is fat and not them, without realizing that 30 lbs overweight is significantly overweight, north of that and you're fully into obesity, type II diabetes territory.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

OP-

I truly understand the need for an attractive spouse. Have you ever read His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard Harley?

However, there is a danger when it becomes a comparative analysis to other women you encounter/know in your daily life. Your wife will never win that game.

I'm guessing this issue rose up in response to other emotional needs not being met.

I would highly recommend that book in place of suggesting your wife lose weight. You may find there is more that you and your wife could build on.


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## rich84 (Mar 30, 2015)

How are you going to say that you are not attracted to your wife when you admit that you haven't kept up your appearance either? Men are different? Bull****. 

Unless you're at the point where you are going to walk over this, telling her that you've lost attraction is probably not going to have the desired effect. Especially if you say it from behind a paunch. 

Be the change first. Lead the way. Encourage her to follow you. Set a new standard for eating and activity in your house. Use positive peer pressure to make her more uncomfortable with her eating and activity habits. Weight gain can aggravated by negative social cues, so create positive ones. 

And for gods sake look in the mirror before you start casting stones. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

There has to be balance between what's important and what's reasonable to ask. If I was to say that it's important to me that my hb never look at porn guys would scream bloody murder. If I said it's ok for him to look at a little that becomes subjective. If he was watching 8 hours a day most of us would agree that's unreasonable, but what is reasonable is subjective. 

Maybe for one wife it's once every 6 months. .... for another a few times a week might be ok.

It's unreasonable to ask that your spouse stay exactly the same weight, especially if they've had kids. Of course some do but you can't expect it.
If spouse gains 100 pounds most of us would agree that's unreasonable, but once again what's in between is subjective. 

I'm a small person too and 20 pounds on me looks horrible. 10 pounds is noticeable, so I get this. But is 10 pounds reasonable? That's a hard argument to make over the years. 

Is 20-25 reasonable? I don't know, that is subjective. I advise OP to take his arse to the gym and make sure he offers the good body he wants. 

But weight is complicated and to make the argument that putting on some weight means you don't love your spouse is ridiculous. Life happens, and guys gain weight too for the same reason. 

OP, be very careful about comparing her to others. .... she could do the same to you and there are plenty of times you'd lose that one. 

Evaluate her on her own merits, and if you want better health for your family start by modeling it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

After reading this thread there is a lot of cognitive dissonance between health, weight gain, and what is overweight or fat. 

Assuming someone was at a goal weight and not underweight significantly in HS or college (some people fill out later), gaining 30 pounds is A LOT and you are likely very overweight if not obese at this point. 30 lbs overweight is doing a number on your health and well being. We have a real problem with obesity in America and the cognitive dissonance expressed in this thread is a major reason why.

I would never abandon my wife if she gained significant weight, but I wouldn't sit around excusing excessive weight gain as a normal part of life either. It's unfortunate that people think overweight/obese is normal, it's really not and it's a major health crisis and cause for sky-rocketing insurance rates.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I always get a chuckle at those saying "overweight is nothing a little jogging can't fix."

Really?

I come from a long line of chunky women. No, I did not learn healthy eating habits growing up, and my mother TOOK PRIDE in keeping me and my siblings chubby. I am 5 feet tall and small boned, one would think that I should be naturally thin.....

I was EXTREMELY active in high school. Cross country track, military PT, Ruck sack marches......5 days a week. I was still a size 6/8, with hips, belly, and boobs. (Haven't seen a size 2 since I was 2 years old!) 

I was about 25 pounds lighter myself about 3 years ago. You would CRINGE at what I as doing to myself to keep myself at 135 (remember, 5 feet tall.......still had hips, boobs, and gut.) I was a fanatic, nothing but protein shakes and lettuce, a VERY strict, calorie counted diet. I worked out literally 3-4 hours a DAY. As in 7 days a week. Oh, I was in shape and STRONG. I could run 7 miles in a little more than an hour. I did weights. I did Zumba. I walked 2 miles at work daily (desk job.) I did everything I could.

I also worked full time. And was a single mother to three boys that needed me. I never saw them. I was ALWAYS out running or at the gym. I was obsessed and disappointed in my looks (even though I look back at pics and see how awesome I looked, I was never good enough then.) I obsessed over not being able to lose more. If I could have worked out 8 hours a day, I would have. I was seriously considering saving up my precious little income to get plastic surgery.

It is HARD for some of us. Some people have just NEVER been blessed with a good metabolism. I have gained weight, still feel healthy, and although I wish I could lose a bit now, I DO NOT want to get back to the obsessive routine I was living. I had given up a lot of things that I loved to keep up with working out back then. I have them back now, and am happy. I spend more time with my boys now, and am happy. I don't count every calorie now, and am happy.

There are worse things in this life than being a little overweight.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Putting OP's hypocrisy aside. I agree... 30 lbs. on a woman is a HUGE increase.

Consider a healthy woman is in the 100-150 lb. range depending on height.

Add 30 lbs. and you're talking a 20-30% increase in size. You're well into the fat zone now.

I used to be fat until I lost 60 lbs. I didn't even realize how fat I was until I lost 8 pants sizes.

"Husky" has become the new normal because no one wants to offend anyone.

Anything more than 5%-10% increase should be a major health concern.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Markstwo said:


> Three. But I have known women in my age group that have had just as many or even more that haven't had surgery or anything yet managed to maintain a healthy weight. I work with a woman that's 42 and has had 4 and looks amazing!


Just imagine if you only saw your wife all dressed up, with makeup, and hair done for a few hours a day in a professional setting. Never in her old pjs with sick kids, stressed paying bills, and with a judgmental husband! Yes, your wife might look amazing to you too!

How sad this thread is. When I read the title I expected to see that your wife had gained 100 pounds and was obese. Are you really complaining about 25 pounds since high school? I bet 80% of women have gained well over that by their mid 40s especially after 3 kids. 

And no I am not a overweight wife sticking up for the right to be a fat wife so don't brush off all the women hating on you right now. I have had 4 kids and don't weigh an ounce more than when we got married 25 years ago. BUT I know that for me that it is genetic and the exception to most women in their 40s (or 50s like me).

My husband on the other hand got to 118 pounds more than when I met him! I never complained to him or rejected him or compared him to the fit men I knew. I was just concerned about his health and occasionally expressed that but not in a threatening way. It was affecting his health and he finally lost about 70 of those pounds in the past 18 months. But it did not happen due to my nagging or telling him I didn't find him attractive. He had to decide for himself to get motivated to do it for himself.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

P.S. BMI chart still indicated I was "overweight" at 135 and 5 feet tall. I could out run dammmmed near EVERY soul I knew, could leg press over double my own weight, had the stamina of a racehorse. My resting heart rate was so low, my doctor was even shocked......said that I had the pulse of an athlete. But because I didn't LOOK like one, they were concerned for a bit. I was THAT in shape. And STILL "chunky."


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

knobcreek said:


> After reading this thread there is a lot of cognitive dissonance between health, weight gain, and what is overweight or fat.
> 
> Assuming someone was at a goal weight and not underweight significantly in HS or college (some people fill out later), gaining 30 pounds is A LOT and you are likely very overweight if not obese at this point. 30 lbs overweight is doing a number on your health and well being. We have a real problem with obesity in America and the cognitive dissonance expressed in this thread is a major reason why.


I agree about the health crisis, but the OP is talking about his attraction to his spouse, not her health.

Having said that, I think attraction is of top importance in a relationship because if you lose it, the chances of splitting up become much greater. If your spouse is losing attraction to you, this is information you need to have. Many spouses may not understand that this loss of attraction could lead to the end of the relationship, so they need that information, too.

There are ways of expressing a loss of attraction without being mean about it, and there is still no reason to compare your spouse to others. Comparing them to their previously more attractive state is appropriate, however.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

Faithful Wife said:


> Having said that, I think attraction is of top importance in a relationship because if you lose it, the chances of splitting up become much greater. If your spouse is losing attraction to you, this is information you need to have.


This is a hard reality for people to accept and a lot will get defensive, but if your spouse is losing a physical attraction to you, the marriage will likely eventually die I agree. That's assuming that other spouse is putting in work to keep themselves in shape and attractive to their spouse. If they're not and the guy is sitting there with a pot belly and boobs complaining about his wife's thighs, then it's a little ridiculous. He should be glad she's still hanging around.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

GA HEART said:


> I was EXTREMELY active in high school. Cross country track, military PT, Ruck sack marches......5 days a week. I was still a size 6/8, with hips, belly, and boobs. (Haven't seen a size 2 since I was 2 years old!)


oh, yeah, like a 6 or 8 is gynormous.

What are you these days? A big fat size 10?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Sorry if I missed it OP, you said she is a small woman, are you talking about height? Depending on her height 25-30lbs could be very significant, especially not knowing where she was 25-30lbs ago (was she very thin, was she maybe full figured and now this is 25-30lbs on top of that?).

As far as attraction, I mean it is what it is. We all have different criteria for what we find attractive. There would undoubtedly be a point where if my wife let herself go I would not find her as attractive. Likewise though, I am sure for my wife there would be the same if I let myself go. Still sounds like you are using this other female as a comparison, so is it you are not attracted to your wife b/c of her weight gain or are you not attracted to your wife b/c she is not this other woman?

Honestly, the only issue I would have is if you are moaning about your wife's weight all the while you are packing on the pounds like it shouldn't matter, that's bs.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Having said that, I think attraction is of top importance in a relationship because if you lose it, the chances of splitting up become much greater. If your spouse is losing attraction to you, this is information you need to have. Many spouses may not understand that this loss of attraction could lead to the end of the relationship, so they need that information, too.
> 
> There are ways of expressing a loss of attraction without being mean about it, and there is still no reason to compare your spouse to others. Comparing them to their previously more attractive state is appropriate, however.


:iagree: So very true. Physical attraction, in my opinion is really one of the foundations of a successful marriage/relationship.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Omego said:


> :iagree: So very true. Physical attraction, in my opinion is really one of the foundations of a successful marriage/relationship.


The problem is in this day and age of political correctness, if physical attraction is part of your "criteria" for choosing a mate you are shallow ... it only matters what is inside.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> The problem is in this day and age of political correctness, if physical attraction is part of your "criteria" for choosing a mate you are shallow ... it only matters what is inside.


That seems ridiculous to me. There's nothing shallow about it.

However, I do have friends who chose their husbands for other reasons than physical attraction/romantic love and those marriages seem to be working out fine. 

Anyway, don't want to thread jack. Maybe someone will start a thread on this subject. Could be interesting.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Thank you OP. You've reinforced my belief that I have a gem of a husband. My weight has fluctuated by as much as 30-35 lbs throughout our 20+ year relationship. Through it all, in the privacy of our home, he's never let me go a day without showing me how sexy he finds me, and that turns me ON.

One thing I will say about my husband is that he's stayed in awesome physical shape and probably looks better today at 40 than he did 20 years ago. I'm not ashamed to admit that it's one of the reasons I go to the gym with him and take an interest in his physically demanding recreational hobbies. Things would have turned out differently had he been an overweight, couch potato who considered my weight a problem. Hypocrisy is not sexy. 

So OP, lead by example.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Omego said:


> That seems ridiculous to me. There's nothing shallow about it.
> 
> However, I do have friends who chose their husbands for other reasons than physical attraction/romantic love and those marriages seem to be working out fine.
> 
> Anyway, don't want to thread jack. Maybe someone will start a thread on this subject. Could be interesting.


That is the PC world we live in unfortunately. To me it is a balance of finding someone who you are attracted to and share the same values. Pick someone purely on attractive or purely on what is on the "inside" and odds are you will end up with an empty/unfulfilled relationship.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

EllisRedding said:


> The problem is in this day and age of political correctness, if physical attraction is part of your "criteria" for choosing a mate you are shallow ... it only matters what is inside.


If others want to call someone shallow for having specific preferences, that's fine. I don't consider it shallow, I consider it being self-aware.

What I do consider shallow is the OP saying he's losing attraction to his wife due to her weight gain, but also saying that his weight gain doesn't matter because "it isn't as important to women". :rofl:


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I don't really sense the kind of hostility people are interpreting from OP's posts. 

He wants his wife to be in better shape (not a crime) and he's been trying to encourage her to do it WITH him. He's not in denial about his own weight issues, he's the one doing something about it, by trying to go to the gym more. 

Am I reading wrong here? 

Scratching my head...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Satya, he did not say he was going to the gym more himself he said he was trying to encourage her to go. And when asked if he had maintained his own weight, he said this:



Markstwo said:


> No, but weight doesn't effect men like it does women.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Faithful Wife said:


> If others want to call someone shallow for having specific preferences, that's fine. I don't consider it shallow, I consider it being self-aware.
> 
> What I do consider shallow is the OP saying he's losing attraction to his wife due to her weight gain, but also saying that his weight gain doesn't matter because "it isn't as important to women". :rofl:


Oh, I 100% agree on all fronts, that is why I said it was bs if he was moaning about her weight but adding on the pounds himself. I don't see how you can reasonably hold someone else accountable when you can't even hold yourself accountable. Guessing maybe watching too many old sitcoms with the overweight H and size 2 wife...


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> oh, yeah, like a 6 or 8 is gynormous.
> 
> What are you these days? A big fat size 10?


LOL! 10/12. Haha! But remember, 5 feet tall. I AM a chunk. Do I consider myself obese? Nope. Does the BMI chart? Yup. And apparently some in this thread do too.

I am perfectly healthy. I don't have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, zero health issues. A little out of shape, but could run from zombies if need be.  I work with women my height who all cry if their 4's get too tight. I even used to run with them. Could outrun them back in the day. Was still the "fat friend." 

I'm 95% ok with my size now. My point was that staying "in shape" is NOT easy for some of us. I worked my arse off. Used TWO phone apps to track every calorie that went into my mouth, exercised for hours a day. Was religious about it for two years straight. Still had "meat." But I am propagating an "obesity is ok" mindset according to some this thread? Right.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Omego said:


> That seems ridiculous to me. There's nothing shallow about it.
> 
> However, I do have friends who chose their husbands for other reasons than physical attraction/romantic love and those marriages seem to be working out fine.
> 
> Anyway, don't want to thread jack. Maybe someone will start a thread on this subject. Could be interesting.


For sure, though I can't imagine the guys sex lives are that great if she wasn't into him physically in which case it doesn't matter so much how attracted to her he is. 

I think we've got a paradox on our hands.....

Unless said guys are ok with one sided sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Satya said:


> I don't really sense the kind of hostility people are interpreting from OP's posts.
> 
> He wants his wife to be in better shape (not a crime) and he's been trying to encourage her to do it WITH him. He's not in denial about his own weight issues, he's the one doing something about it, by trying to go to the gym more.
> 
> ...


I thought I was the only one scratching my head.  

This may not be completely relevant, but gaining 20 lbs between early 20s and early 40s is not unavoidable. Forty years ago, it was not the norm here and is still much less common in most other countries.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

GA HEART said:


> LOL! 10/12. Haha! But remember, 5 feet tall. I AM a chunk. Do I consider myself obese? Nope. Does the BMI chart? Yup. And apparently some in this thread do too.
> 
> I am perfectly healthy. I don't have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, zero health issues. A little out of shape, but could run from zombies if need be.  I work with women my height who all cry if their 4's get too tight. I even used to run with them. Could outrun them back in the day. Was still the "fat friend."
> 
> I'm 95% ok with my size now. My point was that staying "in shape" is NOT easy for some of us. I worked my arse off. Used TWO phone apps to track every calorie that went into my mouth, exercised for hours a day. Was religious about it for two years straight. Still had "meat." But I am propagating an "obesity is ok" mindset according to some this thread? Right.


I win the overall women's division in 5k's and place in the top three all the time, and nobody can believe I run that fast with 36 C's. Granted that at size 4 I'm pretty small but compared to women who run my pace I'm thick. 

More then once I've been asked if I'm real.

Thought you might get a kick out of that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

GA HEART said:


> Used TWO phone apps to track every calorie that went into my mouth, exercised for hours a day. Was religious about it for two years straight. Still had "meat."


mmmmmmmmmm.....meat.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

(that's not a snark, I love meat, and yes, the kind you are talking about)


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

My wife was a little on the heavy side when we met. About five years ago, we went on a vacation, and when we got back and looked at the pictures, she was absolutely stunned at how fat she had gotten. She immediately went on a weight loss and exercise program and dropped 50 lbs. She was exercising and watching what she ate. She got rid of all of her larger clothes because she wanted to force herself to stay in shape (and she did look good).

Fast forward to today - she's put the 50 lbs back on, and has bought the bigger clothes that she swore she would never wear again. Never exercises and has bad eating habits (she'll just sit and snack all day). Friends will ask her to go walking with them, and she'll come up with excuses, mainly that she's too tired. I say that she's lazy. She talks about going back on her program, but then comes up with excuses why she can't. 

I don't have the best body in the world, but I do try to eat right and get exercise. I'll take the kids out and we'll go for long walks or just run around the neighborhood. She'd rather sit inside and watch TV while snacking. 

Weight loss can happen - it takes someone with the determination and willpower to do so. It's not easy, especially for women as their metabolism and body makeup are totally different, but it can be done.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Markstwo said:


> My wife and I are both 44, were HS sweet hearts and got married at 19. She's a really wonderful woman but she has gained quite a bit of weight over the years. I do realize it's just natural to gain weight as you get older but she has probably 25-30 lbs heavier than her HS weight. She is a small woman too so it really doesn't look good on her.
> 
> I have tried getting her to go to the gym with me but she won't nor does she exercise. I know this can be a sensitive topic for women but I'd really like some thoughts what to do, she is getting heavier and I am finding myself attracted to her less and less.


Personally I am five feet tall. I gained about 35-40 lbs. from when I was married at age 20. I didn't know why I was gaining the weight. My doctor told me it was just my age. I did some research and found out why I was gaining the weight, so I corrected it and am now about 10 lbs. more than I was 30 years ago. I like my current weight. Due to being more fit than I was at 20, I need a few more pounds, because I don't want to be skinny.

Has your wife mentioned her weight? Does it seem to bother her? Has she mentioned your weight gain? Does it bother her?

From what I have read and experienced, weight loss is really about what a person eats. It's not about calories. It's about how much and what kinds of foods a person eats. Our foods is not really processed according to calories. But that's a whole other story.

Who does the grocery shopping and cooking in your house?

In my experience, there is no good way to tell your spouse that she is fat and you aren't attracted to her anymore or that you are losing attraction. That is apparently something that no one is allowed to comment on. It causes people to get extremely upset and sometimes they never get over it. I have never heard a good way to deal with it. A person has to want to lose weight for their own reasons. It seems to be the untouchable subject.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

I don't think it helps anything that people rag on you. I really bothers me that when people come here about losing attraction for a spouse gaining weight, they are shamed away. They are being honest. And it's not like this is something that cannot be helped. You cannot negotiate desire or attraction. You like what you like. Although, it sounds like your wife's weight gain was slow. I get the feeling it's just life that caused this and not any type of depression or lethargic behavior. Here's what I recommend: Hire a nutritionist/dietitian. Someone that will help you understand your body composition and taper a plan specific to your body. They will help you target your macros and your lifestyle doesn't even have to change. I know a girl that has been trying to lose weight for years. She finally hired a nutritionist. Didn't even work out and lost like 40lbs in 3 months. No starving or anything. Just picking different foods and some even offer recipes for different things.


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## QuietNarrative (Dec 13, 2015)

Some woman when under pressure to lose weight find that it has the opposite effect. Perhaps if you take the pressure off then you might find some results. Instead of saying you need to lose weight to her repeatedly ease her in to it. Try asking her to go for a walk with you or out dancing. Say "You know I've been really wanting to try *insert healthy meal*, why don't we make it together?" Be positive and supportive. Make exercise in to a positive rather then a negative. When she is getting used to doing light activity try saying things like "You know what would be great? I'd love if you would be my gym partner, it would be great to spend the time with you!" 

Some women gain weight as they age, sometimes there isn't much they can do about it. Just remeber, that how she looks isn't the only thing that attracted to you in the first place!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

hawkeye said:


> Right, because staying in shape means there must be something else wrong with you. And fat people totally can't be controlling and moody.


Oh for god sake, of course they can - what I was saying was don't judge a book by it's cover. The grass aint always greener on the other side!


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

OP, you guys need to change your eating lifestyles. Lead by example. Suggest to her, "hey why don't we change our eating habits". 

A book that I think really does a great job of explaining eating to not only maintain a healthy weight but also for overall health is called 'The Schwarzbein Principle'

I'm a multi Ironman finisher (with respectable times, not just walking the marathon), countless endurance events I've done since my teenage years and yet I follow the Schwarzbein plan. Not for weight but for things like skin health, nail health, etc. 

You need to look at what and how much you are eating. Log into Fitday. You can easily fit 30 minutes of exercise into your daily routine. And you don't need to do Ironman races to have success. Even light exercise does wonders to lower your blood sugar and help eliminate metabolic syndrome. 

When I was married my ex wife ended up following how I ate and when she did, she lost weight. When she didn't, she gained weight.... 

Weight is not only huge for attraction, but for health, job prospects, confidence. So much more than just if someone has a little bulge. 

And for those with high BMI but able to do fitness events, what is typically the case with most is that the working out is just masking bad eating habits. As soon as they stop working out, boom their weight blows up. Very common.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

GA HEART said:


> LOL! 10/12. * Haha! But remember, 5 feet tall. * I AM a chunk. Do I consider myself obese? Nope. Does the BMI chart? Yup. And apparently some in this thread do too.
> 
> I am perfectly healthy. I don't have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, zero health issues. A little out of shape, but could run from zombies if need be.  I work with women my height who all cry if their 4's get too tight. I even used to run with them. Could outrun them back in the day. Was still the "fat friend."
> 
> I'm 95% ok with my size now. My point was that staying "in shape" is NOT easy for some of us. I worked my arse off. Used TWO phone apps to track every calorie that went into my mouth, exercised for hours a day. Was religious about it for two years straight. Still had "meat." But I am propagating an "obesity is ok" mindset according to some this thread? Right.


This is the reason why you should not brag about wearing a size 6 or 8. Because without the other dimensions, it's meaningless.

My experience is that every man believes that a woman over 120 pounds is fat ...... no ifs, ands or buts. So I've leaend not to give out measurements. If a guy likes what he sees, why burst the bubble?

So you come here to brag about wearing a size 6 while we are contemplating the Hobson's choices of a disgruntled husband to his wife gaining an average amount of weight over 25 years of marriage.

Hoo-kay.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

NextTimeAround said:


> My experience is that every man believes that a woman over 120 pounds is fat ...... no ifs, ands or buts. So I've leaend not to give out measurements. If a guy likes what he sees, why burst the bubble?


Yikes, you need to find other men to hang around as that is so far off base (but I understand just based on your personal experience)


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

EllisRedding said:


> Yikes, you need to find other men to hang around as that is so far off base (but I understand just based on your personal experience)



I hope there's not some insult in there like "you are what you attract" or some such.

I ha e stopped giving out my weight. And I no longer have this problem. So one of those may be lurking around, I don't know......


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

NextTimeAround said:


> I hope there's not some insult in there like "you are what you attract" or some such.
> 
> I ha e stopped giving out my weight. And I no longer have this problem. So one of those may be lurking around, I don't know......


Huh, you lost me  You said:



> My experience is that every man believes that a woman over 120 pounds is fat


My comment is that is so far off base to think that every man believes that way. I understand you are basing this on your personal experience, but it is wrong to apply to all (or even a majority) of men.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

EllisRedding said:


> Huh, you lost me  You said:
> 
> 
> 
> My comment is that is so far off base to think that every man believes that way. I understand you are basing this on your personal experience, but it is wrong to apply to all (or even a majority) of men.


Maybe it depends on what your age is. You'll find here and there men bragging about having wives who wear size 2 or 4. Maybe these are men of a certain age. You never know. And you , @EllisRedding, are very young and used to heavier women (as younger women are.)



> Yikes, you need to find other men to hang around as that is so far off base (but I understand just based on your personal experience)


Just want to make sure that you are not suggesting that there is something wrong with me and that's why I keep attracting the wrong men.....

which is why a lot of people on message boards try to do.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

NextTimeAround said:


> Maybe it depends on what your age is. You'll find here and there men bragging about having wives who wear size 2 or 4. Maybe these are men of a certain age. You never know. And you , @EllisRedding, are very young and used to heavier women (as younger women are.)
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I honestly know nothing about your story or men, so definitely not implying anything there (nor would I).

I personally prefer a woman to have a little extra than not enough :wink2:

I do appreciate making me feel like a young whipper snapper again calling me very young :grin2:


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

EllisRedding said:


> I honestly know nothing about your story or men, so definitely not implying anything there (nor would I).
> 
> I personally prefer a woman to have a little extra than not enough :wink2:
> 
> I do appreciate making me feel like a young whipper snapper again calling me very young :grin2:


Ellis, OT but I love that avatar thanks for the chuckle.

Lionel Ritchie is only guy on the planet who can pick up women with a simple "Hello". HAHA


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I disagree that 20-25 pounds is a health issue. Even on a petite woman. Unless she was heavy to start with and it sounds like she was not. That one size up; two at the MOST if her body composition changed as well.


You can disagree but there is a wealth of data that says you are wrong. Again, I emphasize this is not about appearance, but about health.

For an average petit woman, say around 130 lbs, a 20-25 lb change is a 15% weight change. It is definitely material. If your blood pressure or cholesterol increased that much, you'd be discussing meds with your physician.

There is a wealth of data linking weight gains of this amount and more leading to much higher risk of cardiovascular and other health issues with age. People manage in their 30s and 40s carrying the extra weight while the pipes are relatively young but they start paying the price in their 50s and above.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

jdawg2015 said:


> Ellis, OT but I love that avatar thanks for the chuckle.
> 
> Lionel Ritchie is only guy on the planet who can pick up women with a simple "Hello". HAHA


Haha, so true. The only other person who could possibly match Lionel ... Lando Calrissian :grin2:


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## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

sapientia said:


> EnjoliWoman said:
> 
> 
> > I disagree that 20-25 pounds is a health issue. Even on a petite woman. Unless she was heavy to start with and it sounds like she was not. That one size up; two at the MOST if her body composition changed as well.
> ...


If that were the case I'd really be worried about myself right now, but again it all depends on the individual. I just found at my Drs appt last week I'm almost 20 pounds heavier than I was 3 years ago. Being petite (under 5'2") & a starting weight of 95 pounds, that's over 20% increase in 3 years since my car accident & if you looked at me you'd never consider me overweight even now. Sure I'm not where I'd like to be, I miss my flat stomach & have a little bit of a roll over my belt/hips that bothers me (I do love the bigger boobs) but I'm still far thinner than the average 40-something woman. It all depends how you carry it.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> This is the reason why you should not brag about wearing a size 6 or 8. Because without the other dimensions, it's meaningless.
> 
> My experience is that every man believes that a woman over 120 pounds is fat ...... no ifs, ands or buts. So I've leaend not to give out measurements. If a guy likes what he sees, why burst the bubble?
> 
> ...


I think you misunderstood my point. LOL! 

I wasn't bragging. I was DISMAYED at the time. A 6/8 was still "thick" on me. But there LITERALLY wasn't a single thing more that I could do to get smaller, aside from literally starving myself. I ate 1200 very well balanced calories a day. ZERO processed foods at the time. ZERO refined sugar. Very limited fats, mostly fiber and proteins. I researched and experimented, drove my family nuts with my obsession. Add that to 3-4 hours of working out PER DAY??? Cardio, weights, strength, yoga, you name it. And again, I had the resting heart rate of an Olympic athlete (per my doctor, yes, in those exact words.) So I obviously was in VERY good cardiac shape! 

Round IS a shape. LOL!

My point was that is just isn't easy for some people to stay or even BE thin, in my case.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

You know, SHE might not have a problem with it. When I was 20, I weighed 125 at 5'7". I thought I could stand to loose a few pounds and critiqued every tiny spot that I thought should be perfect. I now see my daughter who is shaped a lot like I was. I see a beautiful girl at 140 pounds! She is fit and lovely at a size 6, 5'7" and 37-30-37 Why I thought that was fat back then, I have no idea! I was just hyper-critical. I have no intention of ever being 125 pounds again. I'm not lazy. I have been training to run a 5K and I'm almost there. 

No, it's because I'm HAPPY with me! And I divorced my ex who was hyper critical who might still have muscle but had a protruding gut. I no longer strive for perfection because life it too short to stress over the tiny things. As long as I'm healthy and attractive I'm COMFORTABLE in my own skin. A little pudge and all. Because I don't sweat the small stuff. I realize that life is short and it's OK to not be what I used to be - I'm certainly not the same person I was in every other way. 

Maybe she looks in the mirror and thinks "not bad for a 40-something mother!" and is HAPPY. She probably looks around and sees 70% of women her age are quite a bit bigger. Maybe it has zero to do with her husband and everything with being happy with who she is.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

sapientia said:


> You can disagree but there is a wealth of data that says you are wrong. Again, I emphasize this is not about appearance, but about health.
> 
> For an average petit woman, say around 130 lbs, a 20-25 lb change is a 15% weight change. It is definitely material. If your blood pressure or cholesterol increased that much, you'd be discussing meds with your physician.
> 
> There is a wealth of data linking weight gains of this amount and more leading to much higher risk of cardiovascular and other health issues with age. People manage in their 30s and 40s carrying the extra weight while the pipes are relatively young but they start paying the price in their 50s and above.


At 20 I was 125 pounds, 5'7". A healthy BMI for 5'7" is 120lbs to 155 pounds. Therefore a 25 pound weight gain would STILL have me 10 pounds under the highest healthy BMI for my height.

At 175 I'm overweight which would indicate a weight gain of 50 pounds over 27 years. But my BP, cholesterol, blood sugar and all other blood work is great and my resting heart rate is always in the low 60s. I'm healthier than I've ever been

And then there are skinny people with zero muscle tone. My point is, weight gain doesn't always mean fat and it doesn't always mean unhealthy. And being slim doesn't always mean healthy. So gaining 25 pounds doesn't mean much, especially without knowing her lifestyle, height or starting weight.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

NextTimeAround said:


> I hope there's not some insult in there like "you are what you attract" or some such.
> 
> I ha e stopped giving out my weight. And I no longer have this problem. So one of those may be lurking around, I don't know......


I'm 129 pounds and 5'1. My abs are flat, waist small etc. I do want to lose four pounds; 125 is my ideal weight. If I went down to 120 my face would look sick and people would wonder if I was anorexic.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

While I didn't read this entire thread as that just to much GD reading for a Thursday morning, and maybe it was mentioned, 

There is a big difference between a fat 150lbs and an athletic build at 150lbs.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

Ol'Pal said:


> There is a big difference between a fat 150lbs and an athletic build at 150lbs.


Everyone has different body types, and some people who are very athletic will not fall into the BMI range. I'm 5'9 and 173 lbs right now. That's "overweight" according to BMI but my BF % is under 10 so I'm good to go.

But for most people, BMI is a pretty good indicator of where they should be. Many people also way overestimate their athleticism, how much BF they're actually carrying, and how overweight they really are. Many guys believe they're between 15-20% BF but they're north of 30% easily. Some believe they're only 20 lbs overweight but they're really 60-100 lbs overweight.

I said earlier there is a lot of cognitive dissonance with Americans and weight. If you work in an office, look around at the amount of people who are obese, in my office it's the vast majority of people. In some meetings with 10-20 people I may be the only person at a healthy weight (I was overweight two years ago so I'm not poking fun, I get the struggle). People in America are rationalizing excessive weight gain and obesity as perfectly normal, they're in complete denial. For a woman barely 5 feet, 30 lbs is A LOT of weight to put on.

Obesity by one party in a marriage is a marriage killer, there needs to be a sexual attraction for the marriage to last. At least until you're both old and sexual urges are largely gone.



Heatherknows said:


> *I'm 129 pounds and 5'1. *My abs are flat, waist small etc. I do want to lose four pounds; 125 is my ideal weight. If I went down to 120 my face would look sick and people would wonder if I was anorexic.


That's right in line with BMI.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

knobcreek said:


> I said earlier there is a lot of cognitive dissonance with Americans and weight. If you work in an office, look around at the amount of people who are obese, in my office it's the vast majority of people. In some meetings with 10-20 people I may be the only person at a healthy weight (I was overweight two years ago so I'm not poking fun, I get the struggle).


That's interesting. I've lived in Northern California where almost everyone is fit, and I now live in the Midwest where a lot of people struggle with weight. Yet, in my office, most people are quite fit. When I sit in meetings, I might see one or two people who are overweight, and none that come near the obese label. I wonder if it's my industry and people wanting to project an image to our customers.


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

We don't know how tall OP's wife is, or what her starting weight was. 

I'm not even sure OP is still here. 

I think he may have just been kicking the hornet's nest to see what would fly out...


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

GA HEART said:


> I think you misunderstood my point. LOL!
> 
> I wasn't bragging. I was DISMAYED at the time. A 6/8 was still "thick" on me. But there LITERALLY wasn't a single thing more that I could do to get smaller, aside from literally starving myself. I ate 1200 very well balanced calories a day. ZERO processed foods at the time. ZERO refined sugar. Very limited fats, mostly fiber and proteins. I researched and experimented, drove my family nuts with my obsession. Add that to 3-4 hours of working out PER DAY??? Cardio, weights, strength, yoga, you name it. And again, I had the resting heart rate of an Olympic athlete (per my doctor, yes, in those exact words.) So I obviously was in VERY good cardiac shape!
> 
> ...


Give me four months and you can bet I could drastically change your shape. 

And while you may have been at the gym 3-4 hours per day, you weren't actively doing exercise for that time. Big difference.

You need a better plan and diet. Get the right coach and you'd be amazed. I used to work on cardiology and had access to the University human performance lab. Even as an already very fit Ironman level athlete I learned a TON of information.

But everyone thinks a 2 minute google search and they are a nutritional and fitness expert..... 

Disclosure: I am not a certified coach but have helped several friends and coworkers but did have a high level coach for 3 years so I got to see the optimal ways that I would never have been led to on my own.......


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Ol'Pal said:


> While I didn't read this entire thread as that just to much GD reading for a Thursday morning, and maybe it was mentioned,
> 
> There is a big difference between a fat 150lbs and an athletic build at 150lbs.


And in the US, there is a warped sense of what an "athletic" build is.

Portions are just too damn big.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I'm 5'8" and weigh 168 pounds, which is within 5 pounds of my weight when I started college 50 years ago.

My wife weighs slightly less than she did in college.

So it is possible, even if it is difficult.


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## Popcorn2015 (Sep 10, 2015)

People (men and women) who can't seem to lose weight tend to find a way after the divorce, when they go back on the dating market and want to look good ....


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

LOL, I wish a divorce was all I needed to lose weight... I gained 10 pounds!


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> At 20 I was 125 pounds, 5'7". A healthy BMI for 5'7" is 120lbs to 155 pounds. Therefore a 25 pound weight gain would STILL have me 10 pounds under the highest healthy BMI for my height.
> 
> At 175 I'm overweight which would indicate a weight gain of 50 pounds over 27 years. But my BP, cholesterol, blood sugar and all other blood work is great and my resting heart rate is always in the low 60s. I'm healthier than I've ever been
> 
> And then there are skinny people with zero muscle tone. My point is, weight gain doesn't always mean fat and it doesn't always mean unhealthy. And being slim doesn't always mean healthy. So gaining 25 pounds doesn't mean much, especially without knowing her lifestyle, height or starting weight.


You still don't understand my post. You are making this about a specific case which, to your point, we don't have specific data.

Once again, there is a ton of research that says that kind of weight gain is material and the data says it predisposes to numerous chronic issues with age. It's not a question of if, but when. Medicine is only just starting to address CHANGES in health state vs. absolute numbers. For example, many women suffer from a decrease in thyroid hormone as they age, leading to weight gain and predisposition to other chronic conditions. But because they never had blood levels measured when they were young and healthy, when they start to become symptomatic and get a blood test for the hormones, many fall on the low, but HEALTHY range. Except for them, its not healthy. They may have experienced a 2-3X decrease for *what was normal for THEM* and the medical system doesn't have this data unless you happen to be one of the forward-thinking people who paid to have their own "healthy" levels measured (which you typically pay for out of pocket).

But perhaps you won the genetic lottery and will be okay longer than most. The data and odds, however, are NOT in your favour. The data is what it is. I can post some very good articles from very reputable journals such as New England Journal of Medicine, but I doubt it would have much impact. Prevention bows to immediate wants and needs, and time travel doesn't exist. Instead, people wait until they have CVD, diabetes, arthritis, COPD...


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

sapientia said:


> You still don't understand my post. You are making this about a specific case which, to your point, we don't have specific data.
> 
> Once again, there is a ton of research that says that kind of weight gain is material and the data says it predisposes to numerous chronic issues with age. It's not a question of if, but when. Medicine is only just starting to address CHANGES in health state vs. absolute numbers. For example, many women suffer from a decrease in thyroid hormone as they age, leading to weight gain and predisposition to other chronic conditions. But because they never had blood levels measured when they were young and healthy, when they start to become symptomatic and get a blood test for the hormones, many fall on the low, but HEALTHY range. Except for them, its not healthy. They may have experienced a 2-3X decrease for *what was normal for THEM* and the medical system doesn't have this data unless you happen to be one of the forward-thinking people who paid to have their own "healthy" levels measured (which you typically pay for out of pocket).
> 
> But perhaps you won the genetic lottery and will be okay longer than most. The data and odds, however, are NOT in your favour. The data is what it is. I can post some very good articles from very reputable journals such as New England Journal of Medicine, but I doubt it would have much impact. Prevention bows to immediate wants and needs, and time travel doesn't exist. Instead, people wait until they have CVD, diabetes, arthritis, COPD...


I do understand your post. And long-term overweight people, especially those who don't exercise (I do), are predisposed to all sorts of health concerns. My BP crept up and I did something about it before it became a problem. But MY point was that, depending on her starting weight, she can gain 25 pounds and STILL be in a healthy BMI range, which most would agree is a good indication of over all long-term health (removing outliers like those with a lot of muscle).

25 pounds doesn't automatically mean she's overweight. It depends on whether or not she started at the low end of her BMI spectrum. That was my point. You seemed to think that 25 pounds automatically meant unhealthy. It doesn't, just like my going from 125 to 150 at 5'7" wouldn't.

However, he isn't concerned about her health. Or his own attractiveness. He thinks it's fine HE has gained weight but doesn't think it's OK that she has gained weight.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Lots are looking at this through their own lens, which is natural. We need to remember to look through OP's lens. He's not wrong for stating his truth. He may rate physical attraction to his spouse higher than others here. He may not take genetics, age, metabolism, and lifestyle into account as seriously as some here. He may just want a hot wife again. She won't go back to looking like she did at 18, but I do believe it's possible for any woman to become beautiful at the age she is, in the eyes of a man that can appreciate it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Satya said:


> Lots are looking at this through their own lens, which is natural. We need to remember to look through OP's lens. He's not wrong for stating his truth. He may rate physical attraction to his spouse higher than others here. He may not take genetics, age, metabolism, and lifestyle into account as seriously as some here. He may just want a hot wife again. She won't go back to looking like she did at 18, but I do believe it's possible for any woman to become beautiful at the age she is, in the eyes of a man that can appreciate it.


Why should she for a guy who doesn't think his weight gain matters?

I'd love hear her take on this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

OP has been gone for a while, so we're really just speculating. We have no idea if her weight is healthy or how she feels about it.

Here's an idea...

What if she was underweight to begin with, and has now moved up to a healthy BMI, but he wants her rail-thin again? Would you guys say she should lose the weight to make him happy, or would you tell him to deal with it?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Why should she for a guy who doesn't think his weight gain matters?
> 
> I'd love hear her take on this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would too, but considering I think OP hasn't posted since page 2 that might not happen.

I didn't recall seeing where he said his weight gain didn't matter, then I read back and now see what you were referring to. Maybe it's what he believes... If his wife didn't complain about it for instance, he may have felt that she was OK with his weight. We always say here that you have to communicate and not be passive about needs. No one is a mind reader. Him going to the gym is doing something about it as far as I understand. He wrote in his first post that he's been trying to encourage his wife to go with. If she doesn't want to go, then why should he have to stay with a woman who doesn't think her health matters? (That's an intentional assumption on my part, by the way.)

They both need to communicate, so they can both figure out if their mutual needs are being addressed. Maybe the responses have given OP some new perspective. Hope he hasn't left for good.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> sapientia said:
> 
> 
> > You still don't understand my post. You are making this about a specific case which, to your point, we don't have specific data.
> ...


First no I didn't say this^.

Second this is not about BMI which is created by actuarials.

It is not the absolute weight but the CHANGE that is material. I don't how to say this more simply than I have.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

sapientia said:


> First no I didn't say this^.
> 
> Second this is not about BMI which is created by actuarials.
> 
> It is not the absolute weight but the CHANGE that is material. I don't how to say this more simply than I have.


Rule number one: us actuarials can't be trusted 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Rule number one: us actuarials can't be trusted
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hey, I love hanging out with you folks. You make scientists look positively exciting.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

NoSizeQueen said:


> OP has been gone for a while, so we're really just speculating. We have no idea if her weight is healthy or how she feels about it.
> 
> Here's an idea...
> 
> What if she was underweight to begin with, and has now moved up to a healthy BMI, but he wants her rail-thin again? Would you guys say she should lose the weight to make him happy, or would you tell him to deal with it?


In that case he would be full of it.

But that is about as likely as Rick Santorum's winning the nomination.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

sapientia said:


> Hey, I love hanging out with you folks. You make scientists look positively exciting.


You can't get much geekier than me, I'm an actuary with a physics degree 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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