# Dating and Legally Separated vs Officially Divorced



## JustFree

What do you all think about dating someone who is legally separated as opposed to being officially divorced?

I'm a guy who has been legally separated since last September. In my state you have to wait 1 year then it goes in front of a judge and they sign off and it is official divorced status. House signed off, money transferred back and forth, all papers signed, no contact with stbxw since September at all. I feel as though I am divorced, period!
I have not dated as yet but am thinking that I am toxic because of the status and no one will want to go near. 
Any truth to it?


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## arbitrator

JustFree said:


> What do you all think about dating someone who is legally separated as opposed to being officially divorced?
> 
> I'm a guy who has been legally separated since last September. In my state you have to wait 1 year then it goes in front of a judge and they sign off and it is official divorced status. House signed off, money transferred back and forth, all papers signed, no contact with stbxw since September at all. I feel as though I am divorced, period!
> I have not dated as yet but am thinking that I am toxic because of the status and no one will want to go near.
> Any truth to it?


*Let's just say that for edifications sake, I wouldn't recommend being out with someone of the opposite sex prior to your final D hearing, primarily because if your STBX wants something extra from you, like extra alimony r perhaps child support, they could use that dating information and/or pictures against you and hold you up to answer some very rigorous, personal, and sensitive questions on cross-examination! And also, as a rule, family court judge's take a rather dim view of dating or cohabitating with some other member of the opposite sex, while being married. Just the nature of the beast!

After all, until the gavel finally falls and you are summarily pronounced as no longer being married in the eyes of the state, you will continue to be deemed as a married man! My advise: tread lightly!*


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## Rowan

I don't date married men, even ones who are separated. So, no, I wouldn't date you. Of course, the mandatory waiting period in my state is 30 days, so any man here who's dating while waiting for his divorce to finalize is highly likely to be a giant ball of "not ready to date yet".

However, I'm sure there are women out there who would date you in the situation you describe. Just be careful of doing anything that might throw a wrench into your divorce proceedings. And don't attempt to hide or lie about your marital status. Also, be sure you're actually healed enough from your marriage and divorce to be a fit partner for another person. No one wants to date the guy who's still a hot mess, bitter, angry, or emotionally unavailable because of his marriage breaking up.


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## JustFree

arbitrator said:


> *Let's just say that for edifications sake, I wouldn't recommend being out with someone of the opposite sex prior to your final D hearing, primarily because if your STBX wants something extra from you, like extra alimony r perhaps child support, they could use that dating information and/or pictures against you and hold you up to answer some very rigorous, personal, and sensitive questions on cross-examination! And also, as a rule, family court judge's take a rather dim view of dating or cohabitating with some other member of the opposite sex, while being married. Just the nature of the beast!
> 
> After all, until the gavel finally falls and you are summarily pronounced as no longer being married in the eyes of the state, you will continue to be deemed as a married man! My advise: tread lightly!*


I understand that but not in this state or at least not in my case. 
No kids together and it is stated as final as you can get. "As if we were never married". If she won the lottery I would have no claim to it and vise versa.
It is legally final. In the bible belt though they hope you reconcile which would not be an option for me at all.


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## that.girl

I am separated, and in a bible belt state with the same divorce process. 
I've known many people to successfully date in your situation, and many who wouldn't. For me, the deciding factor in whether to date a guy in your situation would probably be your ex's potential for creating drama. 

But i might be biased, as I would love a date and don't really want to wait until next autumn when the gavel falls!


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## arbitrator

JustFree said:


> I understand that but not in this state or at least not in my case.
> No kids together and it is stated as final as you can get. "As if we were never married". If she won the lottery I would have no claim to it and vise versa.
> It is legally final. In the bible belt though they hope you reconcile which would not be an option for me at all.


*If there are no kids, no emotional issues in regard to infidelity, that the D itself is indeed amicable, and that you consider yourself totally detached enough from your STBXW to date again, then I'd dare say, "Go for it!" 

I just know that I personally wouldn't do it! But, then again, that's just me!*


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## JustFree

that.girl said:


> I am separated, and in a bible belt state with the same divorce process.
> I've known many people to successfully date in your situation, and many who wouldn't. For me, the deciding factor in whether to date a guy in your situation would probably be your ex's potential for creating drama.
> 
> But i might be biased, as I would love a date and don't really want to wait until next autumn when the gavel falls!


Agreed!


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## Married but Happy

Literally dozens of women dated me while I was separated, so for many it's not an issue. If someone wouldn't take a chance on me because my divorce wasn't final, that was their choice and no problem for me - there are plenty of fish in the sea, as they say. BTW, I was clear in my online dating profile that I was separated.

If anything, I could look at it as a screening process. If they were too narrow minded to not consider dating me when I was clearly headed for divorce, they weren't my kind of rational person. The funniest thing was, many of those who would not date me were also separated! Hypocrisy in action. LOL


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## 'CuseGal

My ex and I separated in January of 2004 (stopped living together). Our divorce wasn't finalized until September of 2007. He was already co-habiting with another woman long before the papers were signed. He obviously had no problem with it and if he hadn't soured me on men for life I would have had no problem doing the same thing.

My ex BIL was actually engaged to another woman before his divorce was final. I think that was going too far.

My aunt and her late husband NEVER divorced. They were unofficially separated for 20 years, both dated other people, but when he died 5 years ago, they were still married. I have no idea why they never divorced, as far as I'm concerned it's none of my business.

I do think 6 months post-breakup is too soon. Not due to legal issues but because you need more time to heal or you could end up getting hurt - or hurting somebody else - because you're not emotionally healthy right now.


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## Wolf1974

Yes some truth to it. If I was looking for a realtionship i WOULD NOT date someone going through a divorce Been there, done that, bought the t shirt. WAY too much going on in that persons life to form a new realtionship.


That said many date with no intention of realtionships. just people to do things with and hook up so i doubt you will have any trouble finding dates. Just be honest about your intentions and take things slow. Avoid relationships for now you will have time for that down the road.


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## happy as a clam

As a woman, if I were single (which I'm not) given the situation as you've described it, I would have no problems "dating" you. I probably wouldn't want to get in some big, deep relationship but you sound like a nice guy who would likely be fun to spend time with. Heck, the very fact that you're thoughtful enough to consider potential dates' feelings says a lot.

Like arb said, Go for it!

Btw, I don't think 6-months post breakup is "too soon" to enjoy the company of a woman for dinner, a movie, a concert. And other activities


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## lifeistooshort

I would absolutely not date someone separated, but that's me. Even people who are newly divorced can still have emotional entanglements with their ex and I'm not interested until I'm sure you've moved on. But there seems to be plenty of women who will date separated people so if you can find one and think you're ready give it a try.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doubletrouble

I'd date someone separated, if I was in the market. But it would be difficult to take it seriously for a while. I druther the person have the time to re-discover who she is, what she likes about herself, and heals from the wounds of a broken marriage. 

It's different dating someone who's just changed boyfriends. Someone who was in love with another, and is not with them any more, has a lot more investment, and pain, in that relationship, and it takes longer to heal. 

And frankly, some folks also love to swim in the drama.


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## FrustratedFL

Married is married. I my opinion, you should end the relationship legally before going onto another.

With FB and social media these days it is very disrespectful for people who are married to date since pictures are posted and affects the family. Whether the divorce is amicable, the sting of seeing or hearing about spouse, family member, or parent out with another while still legally married is not worth the shame and the name calling.


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## TheGoodGuy

FrustratedFL said:


> Married is married. I my opinion, you should end the relationship legally before going onto another.
> 
> With FB and social media these days it is very disrespectful for people who are married to date since pictures are posted and affects the family. Whether the divorce is amicable, the sting of seeing or hearing about spouse, family member, or parent out with another while still legally married is not worth the shame and the name calling.


I think this way as well. For my ex, she tried to use the excuse of "Well, I had already made up my mind that we were done, so it really wasn't cheating" (This was mere days after giving me the surprise ILYBINILWY speech and planning dates with the OM. I kicked her ass out then but did not date until the divorce was final. I am highly conscious of my integrity and honor and didn't want to give her or anyone else even an inkling of "See, technically they were still married so he basically did the same thing". So really, I held off for my own reasons even though it hurt so bad inside but I held my head high afterward.


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## SamuraiJack

If you are certain you wont bring a bunch of baggage and drama into another person's life...and you have actually done some work to yourself...I say it would be okay for light dating.
What I would call "Pal-ing Around".

Be cautious and go very slow.
Sometime hidden stuff pops up when you thought you had it all together.


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## BurningHeart

I'm surprised that you would want to? It took me over a year of healing before I even wanted to look at another woman, much less date one. I personally wouldn't date a "married" woman, I'd say that I'll call you after the court date.


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## Dread Pirate Roberts

My current GF has been legally separated for 10 years. They have a separate maintenance agreement filed with the courts, visitation orders, the whole shebang. They did this vs. divorce because of a loophole in the their medical insurance plan. As long as they were still married, insurance is free - I mean paid 100% by the employer for them and the kids. The wording was vague enough that Legally Separated still qualified. It was a pretty big financial benefit, and from my reading medical insurance is a big reason people separate vs. divorce these days.

DPR


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## Fenix

I've stated it here before. I preferred to date separated guys as opposed to single/divorced. I was/am separated and I didn't want anything serious. I wanted someone on the same page as I was...to walk the path with me (more or less). 

It has worked out beautifully.


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