# How devastated was your H/W when you found out they cheated?



## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

How devastated was your H/W when you found out they cheated?

My H was almost as devastated as me....as if he didn't realise fully how destroying it would be to me.

He has admitted he never thought he was good enough for me, that I'm too good looking for him, a better person etc.. he has said this a few times over the years, as if i settled for him. Not true!

How strange that it has taken him to cheat, me to find out, and be broken hearted, for him to realise how much i do truly love him, how much i always did trust him....

Is your cheating H/W as devastated as you are?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

My husband of 20+ years wasn't the least bit devastated. He denied his infidelity for nearly a year and continued acting like a jerk. When he finally did admit to cheating, he blamed every bit of his behavior on me. His sociopathic and narcissistic tendencies did a job on my mental health; I was in counseling for for than two years.

Glad your husband is completely the opposite. There's hope for your marriage.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Mine said he was just as devastated, I don't believe this to be true. His biggest thing he says was seeing the look on my face. Said he never realized how much it hurt me until then. Duh, how did he think I was going to feel?

If it had not been that he had also cheated on his previous wife as well, I "might" believe him a little. He knew the consequences, and he knew it would hurt me, he just didn't care... he was just hoping I would of never found out. 

_In short, I think a lot of cheaters are only devastated for getting caught._


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> _In short, I think a lot of cheaters are only devastated for getting caught._


Already engaged in the midst of a contentious divorce, I have not confronted my STBXW about it, but will only do so either in open court, or after the finality of the divorce itself.

Knowing her as well as I do, she will be devastated at herself, only for being a dumbass and getting caught. But she will be fastly in denial, blaming me, God, her family, her finances, and just her general standing in life; all the while, refusing to take little to no ownership for her own mistakes.

Then she'll try to right her ship in compounding things by trying to get back into a married relationship with one of her OM. I can already see the handwriting on the wall!


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I don't see how they *can* be as devastated. After all, they haven't been betrayed.

Sure, they can be upset, contrite, even hysterical. Ultimately they got a load of hot sex and running around in secret whilst the BS held the fort.

Perhaps the cheater will be devastated that the extra curricular activities have to cease, or that there might be consequences for their selfish actions but I know the pain of betrayal has damn near killed me and there is no way on Earth my WW could possibly feel that amount of pain - why would they?


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

I think most waywards are devastated about the consequences, during the first many months post discovery. But i also believe that many of them, in time, will realize just how broken they were to brake other peoples lives like they did. Thats when Karma will get to them.

Add to that, that many of them are in denial and projects their guild in order to survive mentally.

Some day, I believe, they will get it. I would like to think my WW fits that
description. It is increasingly obvious to me that she suffers from low self esteem.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> Mine said he was just as devastated, I don't believe this to be true. His biggest thing he says was seeing the look on my face. Said he never realized how much it hurt me until then. Duh, how did he think I was going to feel?
> 
> If it had not been that he had also cheated on his previous wife as well, I "might" believe him a little. He knew the consequences, and he knew it would hurt me, he just didn't care... he was just hoping I would of never found out.
> 
> _In short, I think a lot of cheaters are only devastated for getting caught._


Not always. My wife told me in advance she was going to have an affair, I confessed immediately to my wife of my affair and Tears also confessed immediately.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

827Aug said:


> My husband of 20+ years wasn't the least bit devastated. He denied his infidelity for nearly a year and continued acting like a jerk. When he finally did admit to cheating, he blamed every bit of his behavior on me. His sociopathic and narcissistic tendencies did a job on my mental health; I was in counseling for for than two years.
> 
> Glad your husband is completely the opposite. There's hope for your marriage.


My husband wasn't devastated at all too. When I discovered it, he asked for a divorce.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Not always. My wife told me in advance she was going to have an affair, I confessed immediately to my wife of my affair and Tears also confessed immediately.



That's why in my post I put " a lot" of cheaters,, I didn't say all.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Well, my wife told me. And I was destroyed. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, could barely operate at my job, could barely hold conversations with people. I remember how broken I felt. My manhood felt like she had flushed it down the toilet, and the sinking broken feeling in my heart (or that may be due to my liver), I was so angry and full of rage, I was so confused and delusional. It was like a storm of emotions. 

She also told me she realized why I responded so badly after our MCing, and it just tore at her to know how badly she hurt me. And she was just so sorry.

But we are attempting to reconcile. And I realize, how lucky I am. 
She only tried blaming me once. She hasn't done that since May. She has never fought me on anything. 
For anything I demanded, she simply said "Done. What else can I do?" 
And she never stopped trying to be my wife. Even up to the day I moved her out. I told her to not cook my meals, or make my mattress, or send me text where she was going (because I was hell bent on divorce!) but she did the exact opposite! She kept acting like my wife, and it hurt to kick her out. 
And she put me as #1 in her life. She would drive me to the hospital, (we have probably driven there so much she could do it in her sleep! :rofl. She helps me remember my meds, she has been cooking my meals since I can't eat a lot of certain foods. 

I have seen so many horror stories on this site where the waywards weren't sorry, or were only sorry they got caught, or were just classic cake eaters. And they try taking their spouse to the cleaners, or they try to string them along, while making up their mind.
I 110% believe she is sorry, and she realizes how much she could lose. And I am willing to give her a chance.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My chick was beatup pretty bad, now that I started caring she had to face what she hade become, and it wasn't good.

So with remores my fWW faced her demons and the actions that brought her to were she is when I confronted her.

I guess you can compartialmentaliz so much but when reality and fantasy collide she didn't like the person she saw in the mirror.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I think they are only devastated because they got caught. AND i also think that they had no intention of ever getting caught or the BS finding out.


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

My ex wife wasn't at all upset when she cheated on me. She basically told me to get over it or file.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

As a spouse who cheated... I don't honestly see how the cheating spouse can be as devastated as the betrayed spouse. After all, they were the ones in control of what was going on. They knew what they were doing, and what the risks were. The only element of surprise is that they got busted. 

C


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

I spose you could argue that the ones who are truly genuinely devastated are the ones who themselves own up before they get caught , the ones who cannot live with their mistake and try to own it and offer true unconditional remorse

I'd say the 'devastation' of the ones that get caught (95%) of them is genuinely false and in part due to getting caught and having their pleasant 'extras' suddenly up in the air and out in the open.

Would they have owned up unprompted? you bet your shvt they would not have !


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Left With 4.5 said:


> My husband wasn't devastated at all too. When I discovered it, he asked for a divorce.


Same here. He's lost his family, home and kids and he's still not devastated, acts more entitled. Jerk.


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## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

tonyarz said:


> My ex wife wasn't at all upset when she cheated on me. She basically told me to get over it or file.


Same here. No regrets, no remorse, no devastation for her. She left our home, found a new place and she's living happily with the OM... All of that in less than 8 weeks after d-day!


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## Kanga (Sep 5, 2012)

Headspin said:


> I spose you could argue that the ones who are truly genuinely devastated are the ones who themselves own up before they get caught , the ones who cannot live with their mistake and try to own it and offer true unconditional remorse


I think that was my WH. After a short term PA overseas he owned up, he said he had to tell me because he never wanted it to happen again. But then he maintained contact with the OW, and TT and eventually told me he realized he needed to be totally honest and admitted to seeing prostitues throughout our marriage. He said he couldn't trust himself to not hurt me again (and that he couldn't keep stringing 2 people along), and said our marriage was over. A couple of days later he asked me back and has had NC with OW for five and a half weeks.

It hard because he feels so bad about himself, and says when I tell him how I'm heartbroken its like another twist of the knife in his heart


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Goddamn it 

If they could only think straight for a moment before they embarked upon this shvt and realised the trauma they were about to unleash

the 'entitlement' aspect is so annoying


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Headspin said:


> Goddamn it
> 
> If they could only think straight for a moment before they embarked upon this shvt and realised the trauma they were about to unleash
> 
> the 'entitlement' aspect is so annoying


Somewhat what my H told me,, he said that with his job, he got ****y, felt power,, entitlement because he was bringing in higher income... he felt "special" because he had gotten his job, that you have to be one of the chosen to achieve as a truck driver.. please...


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

I think my WW is somewhere in the middle, which makes it that much harder for me. When I confronted her, her intial response was, "let's file". But this is why she didn't tell me, she felt that R was not an option I would persue. 

We are trying R, 7 months in. About 2 weeks ago, we were talking about why she continued the affair and deception and of course she said it never crossed her mind she would get caught. That really pissed me off. It's like saying to me, "I felt I could pull the wool over your eyes forever...you are so stupid".

I struggle with whether she was devastated from being caught or the shame after I exposed to both families. To this day, I don't feel like she is devastated from the hurt she has caused me. I do think that that day will come.

She is going to a confernece for work next week for the first time since D-day, and guess who is going along...me. Last night she stated how it adds to her depression, that she needs a "handler", but to her credit she then stated, "I'm not mad at you, it's my own fault." I was glad to hear that. Anyone in Chicago want to go to lunch next week....LOL.


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## anotherone (Sep 19, 2012)

deer in the headlights.... she was almost silent, dazed. of course that is probably pretty typical when you were just busted for having a PA for a year, writing it off as an EA, and lying about it for 7 years. she claims she always knew she would have to come clean, just didn't know how. i claimed bs. easy to say that after you are caught


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

ladybird said:


> I think they are only devastated because they got caught. AND i also think that they had no intention of ever getting caught or the BS finding out.


And this.



PBear said:


> As a spouse who cheated... I don't honestly see how the cheating spouse can be as devastated as the betrayed spouse. After all, they were the ones in control of what was going on. They knew what they were doing, and what the risks were. The only element of surprise is that they got busted.
> 
> C


My STBXW was not devastated...I was. I couldn't eat, sleep, think...I was a mess. She just seemed fine except she was resentful that I found out and spoiled her fun. The only depression I ever saw in her was over having to give up her OM.

She knew what she was doing and what may happen when her cheating came to light. I'm certain she thought her and OM were smarter then me and I would remain oblivious to them. That indicates to me a deep lack of respect. She also knew I trusted her so if I discovered something she could lie and charm her way past me. 

There has never been any real remorse from her over what she did. After all the D days, I remember trying to have conversations with her and get her to open up with the truth. I would be a wreck inside asking her questions and she would just shut down and stare at the floor in silence. Finally I would walk away feeling hopeless and horrible but within minutes, she would be laughing hysterically at something she was watching something on TV. Wth?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I don't see how the WS can be as devastated as the BS either. That's like saying that my spouse would feel as much pain as me if he beat me up. HE CAUSED it. Sure he feels bad now, but he just did not experience what I did, and unless I turn around and put him through what he put me through, he will never feel as badly as I did.

I do know that he feels quite badly about it though. That is it's own kind of pain. But he has no one to blame but himself, and he knows it. He gets how horrible what he did was and has to live with that. He wishes we could go back in time and change things. He is sorry for what he did and not just because he got caught. But if you want to talk degrees of pain, I don't see how his can hold a candle to mine.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Yep! But I never thought it would hurt me as much as it did. Guess I thought I was to strong. We are 4 months out and he still has problems sleeping, gets depressed and is ashamed that my coworkers see him in another light. If he was not as devestated as me, I do not think reconiliation would work.

He has said that he cannot believe that he betrayed his best friend (me) and does not deserve me. I want for him to forgive himself, but that will take him time also. It probably harder to live with your own actions, than live with the actions of someone else. I can escape if I want to, he has to live with himself for the rest of his life.


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## DangerousCurves (Jul 18, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> _In short, I think a lot of cheaters are only devastated for getting caught._


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## DangerousCurves (Jul 18, 2012)

Decimated said:


> And this.
> 
> 
> I would be a wreck inside asking her questions and she would just shut down and stare at the floor in silence. Finally I would walk away feeling hopeless and horrible....


That's how it was for me, too. No words, no tears... just utter silence while staring at the floor.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Decimated said:


> And this.
> 
> 
> There has never been any real remorse from her over what she did. After all the D days, I remember trying to have conversations with her and get her to open up with the truth. I would be a wreck inside asking her questions and she would just shut down and stare at the floor in silence. Finally I would walk away feeling hopeless and horrible but within minutes, she would be laughing hysterically at something she was watching something on TV. Wth?


There is something really messed up and mental with this WW. I mean it one thing to slap us in the face but to lower your head and stare at the floor one minute and laugh the next is so wrong...no wonder Decimated is moving on...and a good thing too.

That is one sick women.

Could you imagine the abuse he would have to put up with when he was 100 years old and bed ridden. His STBXW must likely would leave him in his filth while she laughed it of.

Sorry for the threadjack, but that was messed up!


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

DangerousCurves said:


> That's how it was for me, too. No words, no tears... just utter silence while staring at the floor.


Sorry Curves, Is it not the most frustrating thing you've ever had to deal with? I simply couldn't understand it. I think she is just a coward. All I wanted was the truth...what's so hard about that. Was she afraid to tell me the truth out of fear that I would divorce her? She knew if she didn't tell me...I would have to divorce her anyway.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

the guy said:


> There is something really messed up and mental with this WW. I mean it one thing to slap us in the face but to lower your head and stare at the floor one minute and laugh the next is so wrong...no wonder Decimated is moving on...and a good thing too.
> 
> That is one sick women.
> 
> ...


Guy, it's like a split personality or some crazy compartmentalization thing she's got going on. It is strange! I think whenever I would want to talk about it she would be forced to go into that dark, shameful place. When I would give up, she would exit and go back to her happy place.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I think she was checked out by then so she wasn't "devastated" per-se. Like others said however, she was upset that she was caught, more so embarrassed I think.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Decimated said:


> Guy, it's like a split personality or some crazy compartmentalization thing she's got going on. It is strange! I think whenever I would want to talk about it she would be forced to go into that dark, shameful place. When I would give up, she would exit and go back to her happy place.


Whats it like being married to Sibel? LOL

I saw her movie that was some scary stuff 

I thought it was bad when my chick would start going, I mean she would cry for hours, not hysterical but weep, and it would get on my nevers. I guess in hind sight her long bouts of weeping were a good thing.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

ladybird said:


> I think they are only devastated because they got caught. AND i also think that they had no intention of ever getting caught or the BS finding out.


 However I also think that the one ones who confess before they are caught deserve the second chance, they are the ones who are truly remorseful.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

ladybird said:


> However I also think that the one ones who confess before they are caught deserve the second chance, they are the ones who are truly remorseful.


I agree to a point, but sometimes they only confess before getting outed.. 

If it's out of realizing the wrong, and feeling the guilt, then yes, a better chance of R.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Mine was elated to inform me that she had filed not only for divorce, but for a restraining order along with an accusation of physical aggression by me. She thought she was on her way to happyville since one of the guys she had been seeing had told her she would be getting alimony aas well as the new car which was paid for and she used to pick up guys too numerous to even learn their names.
Alas, her lawyer friend had no way of knowing that when the judge she was seeing awarded her the house, he wouldn't let her have my retirement fund that I applied for upon quitting my job.
Never saw any reaction from her until she came around trying to get me to "forgive her".


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Well....her devastation was the very last effing thing on my mind at that time.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

My H confessed, but he doesn't get too many bonus points for that as he was being threatened with exposure by the OW if he didn't continue the A. 

So his choices were -- continue the A or tell me. He assumed I'd leave him but he couldn't bear another day of dealing with OW nor could he stay in the M without telling me so he thought it was time to face his consequences and hope I'd consider R.

On D-day, he looked tired and sad. I was so angry I couldn't see straight so I don't remember much of what I said but he remained quiet and alternated between crying quietly and full on sobbing. Was he as devastated as me? I doubt it but I can't speak for him. Our teenage daughter came downstairs during his confession so I think that was devastating for him. She's a very quiet, soft spoken child and they were close but she absolutely lost it and called him a pig, a sleazebag and other choice names and screamed, "Why are YOU on the floor crying you pig!?" So yes, I'm sure that was painful for him.

Now? Well, he said he doesn't know how I feel but he doesn't feel like he's gotten away with anything, and in fact, has pretty much ruined his own life in the process. He feels his children will never look at him in the same way. And his daughter no longer respects him. A year later and she barely talks to him. So yes, he's devastated. But he said he deserved what he got. The rest of us - not so much.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

tonyarz said:


> My ex wife wasn't at all upset when she cheated on me. She basically told me to get over it or file.


Wow.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

My H wasn't devastated as he didn't see his EA's as "cheating". As they_ were_ only "just friends",, the only thing he felt he did wrong was that he hid it from me. 

This was strike one since he tried to minimize the situation.. 
Strike 2 was when I found his second EA,, and again, not upset, again "just friends". 

I think the only thing he felt devastated about was the fact that I was/am not willing to R.


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

Juicer said:


> I 110% believe she is sorry, and she realizes how much she could lose. And I am willing to give her a chance.


I agree with this. 

I can understand why a lot of cheaters are devastated that they got caught, but once their secret is out, a lot of cheaters are relieved....but that depends on how they have cheated and if they are serial adulterers. If they are really sorry for the mistake they have made. My H tried to hide his cheat, but once it was outed he said he was relieved. Some make a one off mistake and cannot be tarred with the same brush. 

Its deciphering if they are the one off cheat or adulterer that is truly hard.


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

PBear said:


> As a spouse who cheated... I don't honestly see how the cheating spouse can be as devastated as the betrayed spouse. After all, they were the ones in control of what was going on. They knew what they were doing, and what the risks were. The only element of surprise is that they got busted.
> 
> C


The devastation in my H came from him seeing how he'd almost killed me...not sure _how_ he expected me to react. Not devastation at what he'd done.......just how much his actions had broken me....


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

gemjo said:


> I agree with this.
> 
> I can understand why a lot of cheaters are devastated that they got caught, but once their secret is out, a lot of cheaters are relieved....but that depends on how they have cheated and if they are serial adulterers. If they are really sorry for the mistake they have made. My H tried to hide his cheat, but once it was outed he said he was relieved. Some make a one off mistake and cannot be tarred with the same brush.
> 
> Its deciphering if they are the one off cheat or adulterer that is truly hard.


If I am picking up what you are putting down, then relief comes as a source of having someone other then them selves (the wayward) to help with the NC. Or it can be a relief that they can no longer continue with out the hiding and secrecy that made the A that much more exciting and is now out in the open, so the WS and AP can continue without the hassal of hidding the A?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

PBear said:


> As a spouse who cheated... I don't honestly see how the cheating spouse can be as devastated as the betrayed spouse. After all, they were the ones in control of what was going on. They knew what they were doing, and what the risks were. The only element of surprise is that they got busted.
> 
> C


Oh, I think I was. When I confessed my revenge affair to my wife she was upset. But I had a meltdown. I think she was surprised it took me so long after her affair to do what I did, thinking about it.


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## DangerousCurves (Jul 18, 2012)

Decimated said:


> Sorry Curves, *Is it not the most frustrating thing you've ever had to deal with?* I simply couldn't understand it. I think she is just a coward. All I wanted was the truth...what's so hard about that. Was she afraid to tell me the truth out of fear that I would divorce her? She knew if she didn't tell me...I would have to divorce her anyway.


Completely. I have literally begged for the truth... explaining that I needed to hear it as much as a person needs oxygen to breath, and that I could NOT heal without it. "A coward" is putting it mildly.


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## MrDude (Jun 21, 2010)

Not at all. She kept it going and possibly picked it up a little, tried to hide everything. That is until I was ready to move out and his wife found out.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

She was really bad off once she saw what was going to happen after her EA.
I kicked her out,she moved in with her druggie sister,her lawyer told her she had no chance to get the house or custody of the kids.
Hell we we're in MC when she looked up her hs bf on fb.
She was on her way to the mental hospital when I picked her up and brought her back home.
The kids know and she found out her ex bf REALLY was a liar,scumbag piece of crap who broke up 3 other families and was pround of it.
Devestated? Oh yeah.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

I don't think cheaters think about what they're doing to you while they're doing it. They feel slightly guilty at the start but ignore it. Like Jaquen says, if you cheat, its because you chose to.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Mine will profess his great remorse with quite a bit of emotion. He backs none of his words up with action though.

If a cheater freely admits their wrong to their spouse...wow. I see true remorse there. If they are being forced by their AP...not so much.

This sounds crazy but I am literally burning with jealousy for those of you with spouses that actually care. Be thankful. The alternative is not pleasant at all.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

kipani said:


> I don't think cheaters think about what they're doing to you while they're doing it. They feel slightly guilty at the start but ignore it. Like Jaquen says, if you cheat, its because you chose to.


I would greatly suspect that my STBXW didn't give as much as a moment's hesitation when she made her "decision" to both EA and PA on me. There was no guilt on her part; only the excitement of driving out of town for a couple of days of R&R while rolling her lover's bones! I had really been all but discarded in the sexual aspect of our marriage, getting occasional morsels of sex whenever she got back home from her many travels basically to keep me from suspecting that anything was wrong. I just thought that it was her hormones, or lack thereof. But her hormones were actually in perfect operating order, at least for the benefit of the other men.

What I greatly resent is that she came back home to me from her EA's and PA's, had relations with me that I thought were absolutely mindblowing, and not knowing that only hours earlier, she was rolling around in the hay in some distant locale with her other BF's.

That's what makes me feel so damn unclean, even until this very day!


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

> I would greatly suspect that my STBXW didn't give as much as a moment's hesitation when she made her "decision" to both EA and PA on me. There was no guilt on her part; only the excitement of driving out of town for a couple of days of R&R while rolling her lover's bones! I had really been all but discarded in the sexual aspect of our marriage, getting occasional morsels of sex whenever she got back home from her many travels basically to keep me from suspecting that anything was wrong. I just thought that it was her hormones, or lack thereof. But her hormones were actually in perfect operating order, at least for the benefit of the other men.


Wow! Did I write this? Maybe not...but I sure thought it. :lol:


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

From what I know of my H cheat, it was a one off. I will never know that for certain. Lets say I am mostly believing him, it wasn't an affair, but more an opportunity he took.

There seems to be a difference with those WS who had affairs over a long period of time, or who had numerous flings to those who had a ONS for instance.

What I'm getting at, it is possible those who had a ONS did so against their normal life/family values and so regretted it and learned from it and didn't or wouldn't ever do it again. lets say it didn't make them feel good. On the other hand we have WS who have made bad decisions over and over either in a long standing affair or multiple affairs or ONS's.

Does this make a difference in how they react to us finding out?
I think anyone who is married and has multiple or a long standing affair is different to one who makes a one off bad choice. Does this make the difference in their remorse at us finding out?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

My ExWW was fairly ok since it was clearly my fault she was cheating.


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## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

He was not devastated at all... he actually gloated about it. Puffed out his chest and acted like he was the king of all affairs (long distance EA).

When he finally fell out of the fog, 70 something days after d-day, he was devistated .... but I don't know if he was devistated about the affair or the way he acted after he was caught. '


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

I still struggle with this. At first admission of an actual PA (after i had proof, so it was caught not confession) she showed no remorse and was completely cool with D. When I left all of the sudden she became remorseful...but it makes me feel like she wasnt remorseful for her actions she was remorseful for the death of her marriage and her comforts.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

My WS was definitely more upset about having been caught. The day I confronted him, he cried the hardest I'd ever seen him cry in 9+ years -- even harder than I was crying and it was my heart that was shattered. Normally his tears would make me feel compassion but once I realized he was crying for himself, I could only feel disgust. He makes EVERYTHING about him. 

The next day, his feigned remorse had turned to anger towards me, go figure. Apparently, I had violated him by snooping though his stuff and that weighed heavier than his cheating on the pregnant mother of his kids. Selfish, selfish man. I kicked him out more over his attitude than the cheating. Cheating is devastating for sure but the entitlement and victim attitude just twisted the knife further in my back. Soon after, he tried to come home but still wanted/wants to cake-eat so out he remains.

He now tries to rugsweep and acts like we're best-friends when he comes by to see the kids or texts me. He's super friendly, generous and helpful towards me and it makes me sick. I would not keep a friend that treats me this way.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

I wonder what would hurt more. 

Being caught by your spouse
Or by your kid that is old enough to understand what you are doing.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

My WS says things like "I think it's weird how upset you are" and "I don't know why everyone thinks this is such a big deal"

I told her (while hoping for R) "I have no way to know whether you are still going to our neighbor's house or not" to which she replied "Well if you think I am I guess I might as well go on over there"

Apparently she's never even been cheated on.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

gemjo said:


> There seems to be a difference with those WS who had affairs over a long period of time, or who had numerous flings to those who had a ONS for instance.
> 
> What I'm getting at, it is possible those who had a ONS did so against their normal life/family values and so regretted it and learned from it and didn't or wouldn't ever do it again. lets say it didn't make them feel good. On the other hand we have WS who have made bad decisions over and over either in a long standing affair or multiple affairs or ONS's.
> 
> ...


I don't think it's quite that simple. Someone who confesses to a ONS could be hiding more and often they are. I would be concerned that this type of WS was a serial cheater because it was that EASY for them to just jump into bed with someone else. They had to have crossed marital boundaries pretty quickly to succumb to a ONS. 

And it also depends on the state of the M pre-A. No, a bad M does not excuse an affair but to try and recover if you had a good M would be more difficult in my opinion. Cheating while a marriage is good is far more frightening to me as a BS because I would wonder if the cheater would ever be happy in a monogamous R. Yes, when the M is bad, you wonder if the WS will cheat again the next time the M goes through a down period but I think dealing with a WS who stepped out on a good M would be far more unsettling. 

Bottom line it's not as simple as ONS vs long term affair because the "justifications" the cheater uses, the personality of the WS and other factors need to be considered. That's why the "why" of the A matters to me.

For me, yes it made a difference that my H was remorseful even before the A was discovered. It was obvious in hindsight. It was also important that he had ended it on his own. (I saw the "begging" texts from OW so I saw the proof of that as well...) However, there are posters whose spouses did not seem remorseful on d-day who now have incredibly remorseful spouses and are in R. There's no magic formula. But it's important for each BS to determine what they can and cannot accept once they're in R.


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