# Wife filed after 3 month separation



## joecaspian (Dec 7, 2011)

Hello , I hope I can get some helpful advice or strategies I still LOVE my wife.
background of separation : My wife and I were having finacial difficulties house was being foreclosed on we have 2 young children 5 and 7. Year prior I became addicted to my pain meds wich caused me to lie Steal ect. I tried getting control of my demons through outpatient means but it seemed like repacing one med for another ,that ins did not cover. Late summer into sept it all caught up to me and I told her I had to get away , she did not here the part TO GET HELP. she thought I wanted to leave her and left to her parents who did not have the highest respect for me since my problem. She came back to house to pick up clothes I was still there I told her I was going To an Inpatient facility I asked if she would be there for me because i needed her she said she would support it but do not expect any visits. went to detox was out in bout a week and she would not communicate with me. I had to go live at my moms a town away she would bring kids for visits and leave . this left me heartbroken not to be able to communicate. It was november and she informed me she is filing for divorce. I think these ideas where reinforced by her parents due to no communication between us , I feel if we could have it could have been talked through. I just picked up registered letter from her lawyer today . I need help. we have been married since 2002 we had 8 years of a great marriage but now she is so stubborn about this divorce HELP


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

All you can do at this point is to ask her for some time to talk to her about how you are improving yourself.


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## joecaspian (Dec 7, 2011)

Thank you HerToo. I want to have her back in my life so bad I love her so much . I know we can make it work . I just need her to start talking to me. Like I said she is stubborn . We live in PA and i can litteraly stretch it out 2yrs 3mos. And couciling is an option from the court. I would like to patch things up before than if possible. but I dont know what to do there are a 100 advice sites selling books and they all seem to have different ways of approaching things to stop a divorce and save a marriage. like I said I NEED HELP. seeing lawyer tommorow to show the divorce papers she filed I am heart broken went through the cycle of why me, depression crying couple times a day and praying. But now I feel stronger Like I have a mission to to everything I can . Advice of any sort or methods would be sooo much appreciated


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## joecaspian (Dec 7, 2011)

*Re: WIFE FILED AFTER 3 MONTH SEPERATION*

PLEASE I need all the help I can get the clock is ticking and I feel a sense of doom settling in. any advice appreciated , any good self help books ? PLEASE HELP ME . I am starting to fall back into pieces.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I wish I could offer more advice, but I have nothing. 

Sorry

Keep on fighting!


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Joe - Sorry to hear you're in this spot...sucks for all involved. My two cents:

I'd say first off, 180 is essential since she is filing and moved out. *Do not beg or plead *, a la the 180 rules, which if you haven't looked at, do it now. Don't try to convince her you're getting better. Just BE better. Don't disagree with her decision to divorce. Accept it and tell her you respect it. Don't call her to see how she's doing or to talk about the relationship. Wait for her to call you. You are on the right track, and as you know addiction can really make things complicated in relationships.

Let's be honest here, if she's had enough, she's had enough, nothing you can say or do will change that. If she's making a statement (through filing) that you have to change to get her back, then you still have a shot. Asking her which it is won't make a difference right now. She knows you love her. No need to tell her that. And try not to ask for her help with your recovery from now on...just recover man. She just may come to you because she doesn't know why you've pulled back, just to see how you're doing. And when she sees you're doing well...well you get the point.

Your mission should NOT be to convince her the marriage can be saved and that it can all be better again. Your ACTIONS need to show her that, and more importantly, show YOU that. Focus on yourself 100%. Keep up the counseling (but don't tell her about it unless she asks, and even then be vague), hit the gym, stay strong and sober and be all man, in control of your life and emotions. I too have had habits that went ignored too long and resulted in me feeling like less of a man than I wanted to be. Don't discuss them...Fix them! Your confidence is the most important thing for you to regain. Then worry about everything else.

I know, easier said than done, but you know it's as simple as acting the way you want to be. Dig in and remember what it's like to be in charge of your life and single. Because if things don't work out, you'll be prepared. And on the flip, if she sees your changes and believes in them, she might be drawn to you again and trust you're the man for her. I wish you luck, take care...


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## joecaspian (Dec 7, 2011)

my wife is picking me up Fri to go to a childrens counselor. Counselor wants to see both of us without the kids for the first session. Anything I should expect from this? any advice from others who went through these sessions? My children are very important to me ,so Precious. they are taking this hard. Thanks to all the advice given it has been appreciated.


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## hurtingsobad (Oct 29, 2011)

Joe,

You and your children should be the priority. Be the rock, my man! Granted, a fractured rock, but still the rock! You will still be standing when this is over, and she will wonder forevermore what the hell she did.......

But that's her chit, not yours! 

Prayers and Peace to ya!


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## joecaspian (Dec 7, 2011)

Thank you my friend , That advice goes straight to my heart. I'm still hopin for the best .Thank You


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## hurtingsobad (Oct 29, 2011)

Hell Joe, just the fact that you and I are posting here means we are both getting better! 

We are growing every day, and they are dying...... WIN for us!


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## joecaspian (Dec 7, 2011)

How true my friend. I'm still trying to fight the good fight and posting here and reading other posts is both helpful and hopeful.
Thank you


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

OK, I read your other thread. In your case this is not the time to do the 180. You have not had enough time to communicate with your wife since you sent into rehab to show her that you have conquered the pain med addition and that she and your children are your priority. That has to happen before a 180 will work to bring her back.

In your other post you mention that there is so much info out there and it’s all so confusing. You need to choose one approach that is proven and stick to it.

The 180 for betrayed spouses that people talk about is very much like the Marriage Builder Plan B. From personal experience, Dr. Harley and his Marriage Builder stuff works. There is a link in my signature to her Plan A and Plan B. Plan B is like the 180 that you see here (the one I’ve linked to in my signature).

But you HAVE to do Plan A first. While there is no affair in your situation, it’s reasonable to consider your drug abuse as infidelity because a person addicted to a drug puts access to the drug above all things. You need to do a solid Plan A first so that she can see the new you, so that you can show her that you are someone who she can trust, depend on, love and who can love her back.

Please look at the Plan A, Plan B and at the books “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”.

If you can afford it, I would highly suggest a session with Dr. Harely. Even one session could help you with a good solid strategy.


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## joecaspian (Dec 7, 2011)

Found out she went out on a couple dates w/ a friend from the past since nov 11. I could not believe she would pick this guy . I think he has 3 kids with three difrnt women .What is she thinkin or is it some phsychology stuff for my part


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Has she filed for the divorce yet? If not, do you have any terms of separation that you've agreed to?

Overall, a couple dates may not amount to anything serious, but of course it hurts and feels like the betrayal that it is...if you agreed to separate and work on the marriage, call her out on the dating and demand a divorce unless she stops. But if you've discussed separating and perhaps seeing other people before filing (or just left it undiscussed or vague), then she is merely doing what she wants and moving on. In which case please start letting her go. Long road. You can try all you want to convince her the marriage is worth saving, but you can't change her feelings.

How is the outpatient going for you? Hope you're regaining your strength and confidence...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joecaspian (Dec 7, 2011)

Yeah she filed couple weeks after sep. I went to inpatient she said she would be there for me but not to expect any visits . it was rough but better than i was doin outp. when I got out she was cold when shed bring kids over . she knew this guy from HS and would always say all he is is a skirt chaser n such goin to marriage counc. myself been tryn to get her to go so far no good were talkin much more now not so testy .could not brak contact with her we have 2 little kids and 1 with type 1 diab u can read my first post up top to get the gist of the whole thing . I need all the help I can Get either books advice or divine intervention this sucks used to love xmas just depresses me more I'm getting stronger for the fight fellin good goin in right direction I hope but still get some of those avalanche days when every thing in yer mind comes through it like a tornado.
Thanks to evryone helpin !


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