# Triggers



## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

We know about triggers for the BS, (my H called his AP by the name of a well know children s character and now every time I see that show I want to scream) but I wondered if WS get triggers, do they get flashbacks like us BS - are they casually walking down the street minding their own buisness and suddenly left reeling from a trigger ?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I'll be honest. I have triggers from both sides. I have triggers when I read certain posts on here about husbands and EAs. But I get triggers from MY EA when I hear certain songs. It isn't anything in particular. Not one of those "Our Song" type things... but I can't listen to ANY NIN because of it. I have issues with Enya, which sucks because her music is very relaxing. It happens less frequently now, but yes, WS get triggers too. 

As I mentioned, I get triggers as a BS as well. The biggest trigger was a couple weeks ago when OW decided it would be ok to break NC... stupid b!tch. But I shut that down fast. I get a sick feeling occasionally when my husband is texting, but I know it isn't her, so it is a fleeting thought. 

Anyway, yes... WS (some, anyway) do have triggers as well.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ilovechocolate said:


> We know about triggers for the BS, (my H called his AP by the name of a well know children s character and now every time I see that show I want to scream) but I wondered if WS get triggers, do they get flashbacks like us BS - are they casually walking down the street minding their own buisness and suddenly left reeling from a trigger ?


Yes. It happened to me, so I think probably to other WS too.


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

I'd like more details about this from fWS. What are the feelings u get from the triggers? Positive nostalgia type feelings? Fond memories? Hot sex memories? Sadness? Longing? Disgust? What? 

My h says he never thinks of OW but I find that impossible to believe.

I commented the other day after the umpteenth reference to infidelity in the countless movies and tv shows out there..."is there any other subject?" To which my h said "I know, right?" So obviously this subject bothers him in some way, even if it's just that he knows it bothers me. I've asked him to change channels and turn off movies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

StandingInQuicksand said:


> I'd like more details about this from fWS. What are the feelings u get from the triggers? Positive nostalgia type feelings? Fond memories? Hot sex memories? Sadness? Longing? Disgust? What?
> 
> 
> Yes this is what I was wondering too especially if there is R.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ilovechocolate said:


> StandingInQuicksand said:
> 
> 
> > I'd like more details about this from fWS. What are the feelings u get from the triggers? Positive nostalgia type feelings? Fond memories? Hot sex memories? Sadness? Longing? Disgust? What?
> ...


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

My fwh claims not to have 'triggers' so to speak. Says he just doesnt think about her. Says he does think about how badly he f'ed up but not about her. She is not on his mind-so he says. I really find this hard to believe. I want to, God knows. But she has an incredibly common name and I often wonder when he hears it, what he thinks about. Or what, if anything, reminds him of her?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> ilovechocolate said:
> 
> 
> > Disgust with myself, sorrow for what I put my wife through, sorrow for what I put the OW through, too. I found out later she was making a pitch for me to be a father to her children, but even so...
> ...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> My fwh claims not to have 'triggers' so to speak. Says he just doesnt think about her. Says he does think about how badly he f'ed up but not about her. She is not on his mind-so he says. I really find this hard to believe. I want to, God knows. But she has an incredibly common name and I often wonder when he hears it, what he thinks about. Or what, if anything, reminds him of her?


With me it got better over the years but her name, passing through the town she lived in, they trigger me.

What made it worse was that my wife and her knew each other and did not get on. Or did that make it better?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> With me it got better over the years but her name, passing through the town she lived in, they trigger me.
> 
> What made it worse was that my wife and her knew each other and did not get on. Or did that make it better?


Better. If I had actually personally known his AP- I would likely be in jail right now. If she was someone I interacted with or pretended to be my friend......holy hell..

As it stands, Im sure one day we will run into each other. She will be all cutesy with him. I have NO idea what my reaction will be. Will I walk away? Will I punch her in the face? Will I smile and hold his hand and let her suffer? That is a question that will eventually be answered Im afraid.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

12 years after H's affair, there are still some triggers. They don't necessarily make me sad or angry anymore, just uncomfortable, especially if we are together at the time. These are the country that she came from, her nick name (a common food stuff). 
Just yesterday for the first time my h mentioned that country, not in relation to her, but as a general comment. He hesitated slightly before saying the country name. I would say that certain things trigger him as well. 
It is a like PTSD, the effects can lessen over time, but never fully go away.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

My fWW has triggers as well, infidelity movies and songs. Surprisingly these don't trigger me at all, in fact I kinda feel I don't trigger at anything , not even if I were to here the news of the OM becoming my neighbour.

She actually had to add a fair amount of distance to her daily commute in order to avoid passing within sight of a park where they apparently used to hang out after work. This was of course, before she became a SAHM


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Better. If I had actually personally known his AP- I would likely be in jail right now. If she was someone I interacted with or pretended to be my friend......holy hell..
> 
> As it stands, Im sure one day we will run into each other. She will be all cutesy with him. I have NO idea what my reaction will be. Will I walk away? Will I punch her in the face? Will I smile and hold his hand and let her suffer? That is a question that will eventually be answered Im afraid.


My AP moved to about as far away as you can in Britain. Fortunately.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> My AP moved to about as far away as you can in Britain. Fortunately.


Oh I'd pay her moving expenses. Seriously. I would. For a short while-when he was working with her the last miserable bit-she went to another continent. I slept a little better just knowing I wouldnt run into her if I went somewhere. 

Instead I'll just wait til it happens and deal with it then I guess. She works 20 minutes from our house in a pretty central location so It'll happen. 

Infidelity= the gift that just keeps on giving.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Infidelity= the gift that just keeps on giving.


A better comment I am yet to see on this site


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I have said it before, but my own affair hurt me far worse than my wife's earlier affair did.

I found it far, far easier to forgive her than I did to forgive myself.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I have said it before, but my own affair hurt me far worse than my wife's earlier affair did.
> 
> I found it far, far easier to forgive her than I did to forgive myself.


Thats what my H said. He says he doesnt think he will ever fully forgive himself even if I do. Im trying hard to believe that. But as you know believing a ws is difficult at best.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Ah Matt, don't beat yourself up about it.To err is human after all.


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## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

MH wants to take the kids to see Brave but I won't watch it because the OW has red hair and that is trigger for me.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

This is a very interesting question. My W has admitted to me, even 3 months ago (DDay was 13 months ago), that she misses the OM's friendship from before the EA started. Pretty sure she just wishes her feelings never crossed the line, so they could still be platonic friends (they were friends for 20 years before any EA started). But she fully realizes that is impossible now.

There have been a couple of instances where she said, "that makes me feel yucky, you know, from back THEN". Also, before she knew what the movie The Descendants was about, she would mention it as a possible movie to see when we were considering going to see one. I simply passed it up and chose something else. Later, she found out what it was about, and never brought it up again. 

Stuff like that.

I am jealous of those of you who's wayward now feels disgusted with their AP. Mine still recalls their friendship fondly, but does have "yucky" feelings about what happened, and disgust for herself for what she lowered herself to do.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> *Disgust with myself*, sorrow for what I put my wife through, sorrow for what I put the OW through, too. I found out later she was making a pitch for me to be a father to her children, but even so...


I think that pretty much sums up what I feel when AP comes to mind. Most times, I wish I had never met him. Other times, I just wish I hadn't crossed over to EA. I have days when I can't understand how my husband forgave me. But then, I forgave him... I mostly avoid things that would trigger, whenever possible. But it's not always possible. But yes, I sometimes feel like throwing up when he comes to mind...and I think of what I could have lost had I continued... Yuck.


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> This is a very interesting question. My W has admitted to me, even 3 months ago (DDay was 13 months ago), that she misses the OM's friendship from before the EA started. Pretty sure she just wishes her feelings never crossed the line, so they could still be platonic friends (they were friends for 20 years before any EA started). But she fully realizes that is impossible now.
> 
> There have been a couple of instances where she said, "that makes me feel yucky, you know, from back THEN". Also, before she knew what the movie The Descendants was about, she would mention it as a possible movie to see when we were considering going to see one. I simply passed it up and chose something else. Later, she found out what it was about, and never brought it up again.
> 
> ...



Same here, H has been friends with OW for over 14 years, they were work colleagues and he siad they were good friends before the A happened. I know he use to find it easy to chat to her and now I know he misses their friendship but I miss the marriage I use to have .


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