# Not married. She's not as happy as before and wants to leave



## Lordofdroks (Aug 17, 2020)

We've been together for 18 years. Not married. 2 kids. Never thought there was an issue, aside from the lack of intimacy. Looking back at it, it is quite an issue. It was now a once a month thing, maybe. 

She recently told me she was unsure of our future and wanted to think about it. We both were (and still are) truthful, honest and such but she started talking about the possibility of moving out. Last week, she told me about her lack of enjoyment in our sex life.

- Maybe if we split up it could solve things if we ever get back together in the future.. don't you think?

- I think we're not as much happy as before.. don't you think?

- Maybe we need some time apart, don't you think?

- it doesn't work, don't you agree?

When I ask her questions, she doesn't really reply but ask "I don't know. you"?

I'm under the impression that she wants to end the relationship but she doesn't have the balls to do it. Hence the "don't you think?" and always waiting that I say it first.

I asked her if she wanted our relationship to work. She told me Yes but can we salvage this? I asked then why didn't you bring this up instead of talking of going separate ways? She replied "Well will this work? We're both often getting on our nerves. You also told me numerous times that I would be so much better alone". I told her that before yes, when she was angry at the kids or myself. She said that it's not the same as before and she doubts things will change. I don't think there's someone else but who knows for sure...

So today I told her Okay, if that's you want, we'll do this. We'll split up. Shared custody. I'll keep the house, I'll buy your share. I'll wait until you find a new job so you can buy your own place. We already talked about who gets what. 

We're both really sad of this but I think it's best for us to split. 

She told me she was thinking about it for a solid month but thought about it a few times in the past year.

We hugged. I cried. I told her I love her but it's hard. She told me the same but not like before. Then why doesn't she want us to work on the relationship? It looks like she thinks its all broken, unrepairable. 

Am I doing the right thing? Since she really can't decide, I need to decide for her. I'm positive she made her mind months ago. We were engaged but she recently stopped wearing her ring. She just told me she loves me but not like before.

Right now she's sitting in her car, listening to music while doing something on her phone.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

She has been thinking about it a lot longer than one month.

I hope I am wrong but you are about to learn some hard truths.

When a woman says she loves you but not like before...... I promise you she is finished. You will be fighting a one way battle to save it.

Hard truth..... it’s coming


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Any bets on what she is doing on her phone in the car?

She has already moved on but doesn't have the guts to end it. She wants you to do it sonshe can feel better about herself and blame you afterwards. Cut your loses and move on.


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## Lordofdroks (Aug 17, 2020)

I really think it's over. I asked her before she left, do you want to work on this and she shrugged. I said everything is repairable. The only thing that I could never repair is cheating.

She looks really sad and depressed. Not angry. Completely depressed.
Asked her if that was something I did, she said no.

Weird...

She was talking to her friend on her phone. Saw the text when we were both sitting in her car. She just left, she needed to talk to her.

That female friend/colleague (married with kids) is having an affair with someone at her workplace. She's been in love with the OM for years and the OM is in love with her too but she doesn't want to leave her marriage to lose everything, the house and all.

I hope it isn't what I think it is.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Yeah .... it’s probably what you think it is

She hangs out with a known cheater and seeks her counseling???


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## Pumpkingpie (Jul 28, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> When a woman says she loves you but not like before...... I promise you she is finished. You will be fighting a one way battle to save it.


I agree with the statement made by Mr.Married. 

She no longer wants to be with you and doesn’t want to try to salvage the relationship (hopefully i’m wrong). But if she doesn’t want to make things work, it’ll be just you trying to fight for someone who doesn’t want you.


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## Lordofdroks (Aug 17, 2020)

That's her only close friend since they see every other day at work. My (ex?) girlfriend is an introvert. I don't think she is a cheater. She already talked to me numerous times about how she felt about her cheating on her husband. She didn't think this was fair at all. 

Today she wanted to talk to her and she said to me that she wanted to tell her that maybe talking to her would change her mind so she could leave her husband that she doesn't love anymore.


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## Imagirl (Aug 17, 2020)

If she truly wants to leave then let her go, who wants a pity relationship? But if she's retreating and talking to a friend and dragging her feet on the way out the door, maybe she's missing something and hoping you'll give her what she needs. Do you think she's the most amazing woman on the planet? Do you treat her like she is? I think this applies to everyone - always let your other half know that they rock your world. Shes disappointed with your sex life? Go out, buy her the sexiest outfit you can find, put it in a cute bag and tell her you just can't wait to see how great she looks in it. Spice it up. Maybe things have just gotten too mundane, too everyday, and she longs for the days when you first met and she was exciting to you. If you love her and want to work it out, when she says "don't you think?" Say "no I don't. I know I love you deeply and would go to the ends of the kind of love you want and deserve". Relationships are full of ups and downs, it's finding ways to turn the downs into ups. I hope that's what she ultimately wants and you can work it out.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Is there any particular reason that after 18 years and 2 kids you aren't married?

Unless she's specifically said she doesn't want to get married she's probably pissed off about it.

You'll probably say that's not an issue but I've seen more then one guy on here say the same thing only to find out that it was an issue.

So why are you "engaged" after all this time? What stopped you from marrying?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Imagirl said:


> If she truly wants to leave then let her go, who wants a pity relationship? But if she's retreating and talking to a friend and dragging her feet on the way out the door, maybe she's missing something and hoping you'll give her what she needs. Do you think she's the most amazing woman on the planet? Do you treat her like she is? I think this applies to everyone - always let your other half know that they rock your world. Shes disappointed with your sex life? Go out, buy her the sexiest outfit you can find, put it in a cute bag and tell her you just can't wait to see how great she looks in it. Spice it up. Maybe things have just gotten too mundane, too everyday, and she longs for the days when you first met and she was exciting to you. If you love her and want to work it out, when she says "don't you think?" Say "no I don't. I know I love you deeply and would go to the ends of the kind of love you want and deserve". Relationships are full of ups and downs, it's finding ways to turn the downs into ups. I hope that's what she ultimately wants and you can work it out.


Imagirl .... sure it’s not Imaboy? 🧐


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

By the way... how old are your kids?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

She has probably been checked out for some months. it just seems like unless there was some traumatic event that usually when women initiate a breakup, they've been checked out emotionally and simply Lost that Loving feeling toward you. And it isn't likely to come back. I'm sure she loves you in some way but as you said, the romance and intimacy has been pretty minimal. 

Women need kind of the whole package of emotions and love 4 things to work, and that's why I doubt working on it would bring anything back. It would probably just be more of the same which is more like adjusting to it. Sorry. It's a long investment. you said you've been together 18 years so I hope your kids are old enough that this isn't too difficult on them. but staying together with unhappy parents is just as difficult and sets a bad example because you are their role models.


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## Lordofdroks (Aug 17, 2020)

We were best friends and I sincerely hope we will stay best friends. But that sums our relationship. Best friends will benefits sometimes. I really wanted to marry her for our upcoming anniversary in the coming weeks, hoping that it will spark that flame we once had. I filed all the paperwork a few months ago, bought a new ring but its too late now.

Our kids are 8 and 11. They understand whats going on and they don't seem to care that much.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Buddy her only friend is cheating on her husband. This “friend” probably spends more one on one time with your girlfriend than you do. 
“Judge me by the company I keep”.
Does she ever have nights out with her friend ?


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## Lordofdroks (Aug 17, 2020)

Andy1001 said:


> Buddy her only friend is cheating on her husband. This “friend” probably spends more one on one time with your girlfriend than you do.
> “Judge me by the company I keep”.
> Does she ever have nights out with her friend ?


Nope, she's been at home the whole time. She works 3 days a week.
She talked to me about her numerous times. I've met her. I know her whole story. At some point, my girlfriend was plotting on telling her husband about it because she felt too bad for him. We thought about ways to do that anonymously. 

I honestly don't think she's like that.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Lordofdroks said:


> We were best friends and I sincerely hope we will stay best friends. But that sums our relationship. Best friends will benefits sometimes. I really wanted to marry her for our upcoming anniversary in the coming weeks, hoping that it will spark that flame we once had. I filed all the paperwork a few months ago, bought a new ring but its too late now.
> 
> Our kids are 8 and 11. They understand whats going on and they don't seem to care that much.


Very odd and very sad your kids don't seem to care that much. Sounds like an indication of something but not enough info to have a clue what. Have you been to couples counseling? With two kids at a very dependent age, you have a lot to figure out, and seeing a therapist for that alone would be a good idea. But also not a bad idea to see one just to make sure exiting the relationship is the best option.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Lordofdroks said:


> We were best friends and I sincerely hope we will stay best friends. But that sums our relationship. Best friends will benefits sometimes. I really wanted to marry her for our upcoming anniversary in the coming weeks, hoping that it will spark that flame we once had. I filed all the paperwork a few months ago, bought a new ring but its too late now.
> 
> Our kids are 8 and 11. They understand whats going on and they don't seem to care that much.


if you both can’t have a more complete conversation that really reveals how you feel... and what would possibly fix the relationship - then you may as well end it.

the way she’s not communicating with you shows that she’s making no effort to continue.

there’s never a good reason to beg anyone to stay with you.

let her go, encourage her to go. She will see that life is difficult when she’s on her own. Maybe (if nothing else) she will appreciate someday that you helped her (assuming that you do).


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

Have you asked her to go to counseling? That’s the best way to judge where someone’s heart is. If she says she’s not interested, it’s most likely over (but not completely,..yet).

I’ll state the obvious since most people forget...marriage (basically what you have) is the hardest job you will ever have. It’s takes A LOT of constant work. But unfortunately, most of us get comfortable and ignore the warning signs something is wrong. Especially guys. I did it and then it can be too late to save the marriage.

So if she’s not up for counseling, an amicable separation (if possible) sounds like your best move. But I then I would do 180/no contact (Google for list) as much as possible and give her time to think about if this is what she really wants.

Some people are quick to want out of a marriage, but they don’t think it all the way through. Grass isn’t always greener, etc. But they need to find that out the hard way. Good luck!


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Lordofdroks said:


> That's her only close friend since they see every other day at work. My (ex?) girlfriend is an introvert. I don't think she is a cheater. She already talked to me numerous times about how she felt about her cheating on her husband. She didn't think this was fair at all.
> 
> Today she wanted to talk to her and she said to me that she wanted to tell her that maybe talking to her would change her mind so she could leave her husband that she doesn't love anymore.


Said every person that was cheated on!!!

Dude, she is most likely cheating, she does not have the balls to end the relationship.

You are kind of being really foolish right now, putting your head in the sand. Start doing the custody stuff and split up the assets.

She is DONE For sure and most likely cheating...

Time to wake up!!!


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Was the lack of intimacy you mentioned because of YOU...?? 

I don't think it really matters if she is cheating - she has checked out of your relationship, and clearly hasn't been happy for a long time. The fact that she is telling you all this now means that she has TRULY given up hope in your relationship.

If she has been needing more sexual interaction with you, and you haven't satisfied that, that means that she's felt lonely, frustrated, and unwanted by you the whole time. I don't think there is any way for couples to come back from that, once they decide they've had enough.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I do not think she is cheating. I think she is simply out and being honest about it. She sounds depressed by it. You guys hardly had sex. She saw the problems arising while you were ignoring them. 

and I agree with others - she has checked out, she is gone. She says "I don't know" becuase she is scared to say outloud that she wants to leave.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Lordofdroks said:


> That's her only close friend since they see every other day at work. My (ex?) girlfriend is an introvert. I don't think she is a cheater. She already talked to me numerous times about how she felt about her cheating on her husband. She didn't think this was fair at all.
> 
> Today she wanted to talk to her and she said to me that she wanted to tell her that maybe talking to her would change her mind so she could leave her husband that she doesn't love anymore.


It may be sad but true she's fully checked out, just need to concentrate on yourself from here on out.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

She may not be cheating, but check your phone records just to be sure.


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## Lordofdroks (Aug 17, 2020)

I don't have access to her phone. Passcode and everything. We've been fighting about this in the past. My phone is always wide open, she knows my password and I don't give a ****, I have nothing to hide. About her phone, she used to unlock it for me when I asked to see something (not snooping), but I won't ask her. The few months ago she was putting it face down, no notification sounds or anything. 

Also don't have access to her phone bills, she gets them by email and I don't know her password.

Anyways, I don't care anymore. She told me she never cheated but hey, I couldn't care less. 

She came back at 5 in the morning. She indeed went to see her female friend, she came back with lots of stuff from her.

Today, she's more decided than ever. I told her well if that's what you want, you want to end it, then we'll do it. To what she replied "All I want is to be happy in life. So I am the mean one! its always me!. You want to work on things, then how will you solve our bed issues? We can't work on this" I don't last enough for her. There's other ways to spice it up and make her orgasm and I do it but it's still not enough. 

She's fully checked out. I won't draw a teardrop today. I've put my head in the sand long enough. It's time to grow a pair.
Thanks everyone for your comments.


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## clintbrodery (Aug 13, 2020)

We were facing the same thing with my now ex.
She was cheating behind my back for a loooong time.
Like someone else said, hard truths are coming one way or another.
Best of luck


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## Lordofdroks (Aug 17, 2020)

She just said she don't know what to do. She's not sure whether she wants to stay or leave. She still loves me but its not like before. The passion is gone. I don't last in bed. She said I just can't stay with you out of pity.

She said what we might need is to have nobody that can take care of the kids so we can go on dates and spend time together. Nobody help us. Also said that my constant comments and cheating accusations because of her phone really took a toll on her. It's just a stupid phone and I have nothing to hide from you, she said

I don't know what to think.

She seems to be thinking a lot. Should I try to work on things or break her "chains" and set her free?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Lordofdroks said:


> "All I want is to be happy in life. So I am the mean one! its always me!. You want to work on things, then how will you solve our bed issues? We can't work on this"


Sex produces chemicals/hormones that promote pair bonding. Without those happy hormones most people find themselves feeling distant from their partners, more like roommates and less like lovers. Over time there may be love remaining, but it's not romantic love. It becomes more of a friend love, a family member love, but not a romantic love.

On top of that, there is the endless sexual frustration, the wondering, the hoping, the praying it will get better, and the wish to leave in order to find a fulfilling romantic relationship followed always by the thought that even though you're miserable, you can't leave because what kind of person would you be to break up a family over "just sex"? But, God, do you want out. 

Eventually, the deprived partner either accepts their fate or can't take it anymore and they leave.



Lordofdroks said:


> I don't last enough for her. There's other ways to spice it up and make her orgasm and I do it but it's still not enough.


 I get it. I have a healthy libido and, while I enjoy orgasm from oral, fingers, and toys I need PIV orgasm to feel satisfied. I liken non-PIV orgasm to a great appetizer. It's definitely not a full meal, it makes me want the full meal even more, and if that's all I get I am left wanting.

Being unable to last isn't uncommon. Some women, the majority, cannot reach orgasm through PIV and would be quite happy to enjoy a pre or post PIV orgasm and be satisfied with that. Your wife isn't one of them. You two just weren't sexually compatible. No one's fault, really.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Lordofdroks said:


> She still loves me but its not like before. The passion is gone. I don't last in bed. She said I just can't stay with you out of pity.
> 
> She said what we might need is to have nobody that can take care of the kids so we can go on dates and spend time together. Nobody help us. Also said that my constant comments and cheating accusations because of her phone really took a toll on her. It's just a stupid phone and I have nothing to hide from you, she said
> 
> ...


I think she isn't cheating, she wants out because she is deeply unhappy, your accusations aren't helping, and she just feels like **** breaking up her marriage and family because she's unsatisfied. In other words, she loves you like a friend/family member, wants out, but feels guilty for wanting out and can't quite pull the trigger.

Personally, I wouldn't want someone to stay with me out of obligation and pity. That said, if you try to work it out get into a sex therapist as a couple ASAP. Like, make some calls and send some emails today if she agrees.


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## Lordofdroks (Aug 17, 2020)

Definitely unhappy. Tried to suggest couple therapy. 

"My friend said that what we might need is an open relationship where we live in our own separate houses and are allowed to see other people"

LOL. Sorry, i'm closed to this idea


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Lordofdroks said:


> Today, she's more decided than ever. I told her well if that's what you want, you want to end it, then we'll do it. To what she replied "All I want is to be happy in life. So I am the mean one! its always me!. *You want to work on things, then how will you solve our bed issues? We can't work on this" I don't last enough for her. There's other ways to spice it up and make her orgasm and I do it but it's still not enough.*


These two statements don't make sense to me...WHY does she think you won't solve your "bed issues" when you say you are willing to do other things...?? 
When you say it's not enough for her, what else does she want that she thinks you won't give her...?


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## Imagirl (Aug 17, 2020)

The common consensus is that she's done, she's checked out. I disagree. Maybe I function differently than every other female on the planet, but if I've checked out and I'm done you'd know it. I wouldn't be thinking, the thinking would be finished. She wants you to find a babysitter? Find one. Take her out, remember what made you fall for her in the first place, concentrate on the things you like best about her and **** her when you get home for good measure. Make her feel special and loved. She sounds lonely too me. Very lonely.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Lordofdroks said:


> Definitely unhappy. Tried to suggest couple therapy.
> 
> "My friend said that what we might need is an open relationship where we live in our own separate houses and are allowed to see other people"
> 
> LOL. Sorry, i'm closed to this idea


Boooooommmmmmm !!!!!!

Brace yourself......almost there


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Lordofdroks said:


> Definitely unhappy. Tried to suggest couple therapy.
> 
> "My friend said that what we might need is an open relationship where we live in our own separate houses and are allowed to see other people"
> 
> LOL. Sorry, i'm closed to this idea



And there it is. Is this her friend that's fooling around on her H? 

A W who says what you shared, is looking to fool around. In whatever way she can get you to buy off on, and no matter what, all fault for all issues is yours.

You've got to put a stop to believing everything she's telling you.


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## Lordofdroks (Aug 17, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> what else does she want that she thinks you won't give her...?


Orgasm from penetration. Never achieved that in our entire relationship. I don't last much more than 10 minutes. We stopped doing it weekly many, many, many years ago. I'm not used to it anymore and no matter how hard I try to hold it, nope, won't work. I gained weight, she feels like theres a big whale on top of her. She doesn't want that we use toys. Other positions won't work because.. well because... I won't elaborate, I don't feel like describing the length and diameter of my *small *friend.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

My question about why you've gone 18 years and 2 kids without getting married hasn't been answered.

I feel like that's important to know for good advice.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Lordofdroks said:


> Orgasm from penetration. Never achieved that in our entire relationship. I don't last much more than 10 minutes. We stopped doing it weekly many, many, many years ago. I'm not used to it anymore and no matter how hard I try to hold it, nope, won't work. I gained weight, she feels like theres a big whale on top of her. Other positions won't work because.. well because... I won't elaborate, I don't feel like describing the length and diameter of my *small *friend.


Ok, first of all, if you are actually "small" (which in most cases I don't believe matters AT ALL), other positions should work BETTER...ever try doggy-style? You should be able to get deeper in that position, and take full advantage of your whole size. 

Second of all, and what I really want to know is, what were HER ideas to improve things...? The way she said "how will you solve our bed issues" makes it sound like SHE had ideas too...is that right? Also, you can buy a penis-shaped toy to use on her until your arm cramps, and some guys are GREAT at moving them just right, so have you ever tried or suggested that to supplement extra penetration for her? Ten minutes isn't getting off too quickly, I think it's average. 
Did she not enjoy foreplay? How often were you wanting sex with her? Less than once a week for "many, many, many years" is not acceptable for most normal, healthy people to be satisfied.

If my husband wouldn't have sex with me often enough FOR ME, and I still wanted to stay with him, I would also want an open relationship, as a way to stay with him and not be sexually frustrated EVERY DAY. She is a sexual person, being with you has caused her to give that up. IF you want her to stay with you and not want other men, she is going to need sexual satisfaction.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> Boooooommmmmmm !!!!!!
> 
> Brace yourself......almost there


Actually, I thought the "boom" was NO sex even weekly for a very long time. Lack of sexual satisfaction will drive even naturally monogamous people to consider ANY way to be satisfied. As I'm sure you can imagine.


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## Lordofdroks (Aug 17, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> My question about why you've gone 18 years and 2 kids without getting married hasn't been answered.
> 
> I feel like that's important to know for good advice.


Honestly, I don't know. Engagement was symbolic. But I had doubts. We felt like friends. Pushed it back. Put my head in the sand. 
Everything could be my fault. Or maybe not. She broke the trust once. The start of an EA that lasted a month at most. Found about this and threatened to leave. It broke me.
She really wanted to get married. Reminded me often. But I could not erase the texts I saw from my mind. They were innocent. But she lied to me. Then the secrecy. The passcode. Even if it was innocent banter, the guy wanted to bang her. I confronted both of them and it ended. But I could never regain the trust 100%.

I think that's why I waited so long.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

LisaDiane said:


> Actually, I thought the "boom" was NO sex even weekly for a very long time. Lack of sexual satisfaction will drive even naturally monogamous people to consider ANY way to be satisfied. As I'm sure you can imagine.


I don’t disagree with you!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Lordofdroks said:


> Honestly, I don't know. Engagement was symbolic. But I had doubts. We felt like friends. Pushed it back. Put my head in the sand.
> Everything could be my fault. Or maybe not. She broke the trust once. The start of an EA that lasted a month at most. Found about this and threatened to leave. It broke me.
> She really wanted to get married. Reminded me often. But I could not erase the texts I saw from my mind. They were innocent. But she lied to me. Then the secrecy. The passcode. Even if it was innocent banter, the guy wanted to bang her. I confronted both of them and it ended. But I could never regain the trust 100%.
> 
> I think that's why I waited so long.


So the EA was hers? When did this happen? If the texts were innocent how does it constitute an EA?

Now I think I understand. She wanted to get married you and didn't trust her so you refused.

I get that, though I'm trying to square "EA" with "innocent" texts.

BUT.....you stayed in the relationship. 
This led to her feeling that she was good enough to live with and raise kids with but not good enough to marry.

I completely get why you wouldn't trust her, but the problem is that you stayed in a relationship you weren't fully invested in and I'm sure she felt that. If you really felt that you couldn't get back in fully you should've ended things.

So did you guys make an effort to regain trust? Did you make clear what you needed from her? What was her response? Was she remorseful?

I'm not sure I understand why you're so bent on saving this. You're not fully invested in it so it would seem like the best thing for both of you to go your separate ways.

PS....I understand your view because I caught my ex in at least an emotional entanglement with his ex...it went on our entire 13 years. The difference is that I realized I couldn't trust him and left him.

I think this relationship is done. You don't trust her and she's lived for years at arm's length. It's not fair to either of you.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Imagirl said:


> The common consensus is that she's done, she's checked out. I disagree. Maybe I function differently than every other female on the planet, but if I've checked out and I'm done you'd know it. I wouldn't be thinking, the thinking would be finished. She wants you to find a babysitter? Find one. Take her out, remember what made you fall for her in the first place, concentrate on the things you like best about her and **** her when you get home for good measure. Make her feel special and loved. She sounds lonely too me. Very lonely.


Oh her thinking is done. She is just too scared to say it outloud so she will go with the flow for a while


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Lordofdroks said:


> Definitely unhappy. Tried to suggest couple therapy.
> 
> "My friend said that what we might need is an open relationship where we live in our own separate houses and are allowed to see other people"
> 
> LOL. Sorry, i'm closed to this idea


Sounds like you not only need to open up the relationship, you need to blow it sky high.
Go get yourself a true barracuda of an attorney and have her served with divorce paperwork.
At that point, you will truly know what you have and if there is any chance of saving anything.
What you will probably find is that she wants out, and would prefer that you make the decision, so that she doesn't look like the bad person.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Tdbo said:


> Sounds like you not only need to open up the relationship, you need to blow it sky high.
> Go get yourself a true barracuda of an attorney and have her served with divorce paperwork.
> At that point, you will truly know what you have and if there is any chance of saving anything.
> What you will probably find is that she wants out, and would prefer that you make the decision, so that she doesn't look like the bad person.


They aren’t married.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Girl_power said:


> They aren’t married.


My bad. Confused this with another thread.
This makes it simpler.
Draw up a custody agreement and separate.
Only contact required needs to be regarding the kids.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Lordofdroks said:


> Orgasm from penetration. Never achieved that in our entire relationship. I don't last much more than 10 minutes. We stopped doing it weekly many, many, many years ago. I'm not used to it anymore and no matter how hard I try to hold it, nope, won't work. I gained weight, she feels like theres a big whale on top of her. She doesn't want that we use toys. Other positions won't work because.. well because... I won't elaborate, I don't feel like describing the length and diameter of my *small *friend.


So what you're saying is your long term partner has never been sexually satisfied with you. I can't figure out how you didn't see this coming. Of course she wants out! She's choked on sexual frustration for damn near 2 decades!



LisaDiane said:


> Second of all, and what I really want to know is, what were HER ideas to improve things...? The way she said "how will you solve our bed issues" makes it sound like SHE had ideas too...is that right? Also, you can buy a penis-shaped toy to use on her until your arm cramps, and some guys are GREAT at moving them just right, so have you ever tried or suggested that to supplement extra penetration for her? Ten minutes isn't getting off too quickly, I think it's average.


Great suggestions, but his partner has made it very clear she isn't interested in toys or other ways to orgasm. She wants that PIV orgasm. Anything else he does is always going to be...less. Then we have the weight issue. That's a passion killer, especially if it's gotten to the point that it limit position.



LisaDiane said:


> Ok, first of all, if you are actually "small" (which in most cases I don't believe matters AT ALL),


In most cases, I don't think size matters very much at all. For women who orgasm from PIV, it can matter greatly. The right size and shape gives the stimulation needed to get there.


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## Lordofdroks (Aug 17, 2020)

Today I asked her about what we should do. I hate being in doubt and not being able to plan accordingly..

She still doesn't know. Her mind is all messed up right now, she said.

Said she does not want to sleep with other guys, she just wanna be alone sometimes. If someone would take the kids. 

"We could live in separate houses but still be a couple with some kind of shared custody". I said sorry but I don't believe in this. Loving couples with young kids their age, in my book, live together. She said not as an open couple but as an actual couple living separatly. It would maybe do us some good, she said.

Of course, I'd enjoy being alone sometimes, but as a single person, not as a half couple.

We talked a bit and she ended up kissing me and hugging me tight. Long kisses. She was crying a bit. Told me I took her for granted for a looong time, said harsh things about false cheating accusations. I admitted I wasn't always respectful and I'm sorry. I said we should give ourselves another chance. She said yeah, maybe. 

Why do you hesitate? Why don't you simply leave? You think you might regret it? She said yes.
We stopped hugging after a few minutes and she soon regained her pensive/sad expression

So basically, as much as I want to believe she still want to be with me, she's still thinking about something. 

I'll plan my exit strategy just in case.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Tell to get out now! You need to take your self respect and have her move now!

she’s done and she just wants you to be the bad guy. She’s probably seeing someone and when they realized she was leaving you they told her they won’t commit to her.

either way - you are her back up plan. So take that away from her. Get yourself in the drivers seat by taking charge knowing it’s been over a LONG time ago!

she won’t hand you peace of mind. She can’t be trusted. She doesn’t make you feel amazing as her partner. It’s over. Call it what it is and have her move. Then you can begin living a happy life without her being a jerk to you!


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

She must find happiness within, not expect you to produce it in her. Sounds like she is second-guessing--spurred on by cheating friend (who has too much influence in your relationship). Her long talks with cheater are an anathema to your purpose. What does happiness mean to her?

Did she know you had special plans--papers, new ring? Is she trying to circumvent that? All relationships ebb and flow and change over time. Without marriage, many would likely call an end to the relationship at specific points. 

IMO: Her resentment because of past 'pain' you inflicted on her, has her wanting to hurt you/punish your misdeeds--maybe even move on to a different life. But she is unsure she won't be just as miserable. She is treating you disrespectfully (downright mean to me) now. You said you'd let her go and she doesn't want that either. Does she like being in control so much that she can waver endlessly? How much alone time does she have now? What does she want to do with her 'space'?

Do plan your exit strategy with a little more gusto please. Make her POSSIBLE REGRETS real and meaningful.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Lordofdroks said:


> We were best friends and I sincerely hope we will stay best friends. But that sums our relationship. Best friends will benefits sometimes. I really wanted to marry her for our upcoming anniversary in the coming weeks, hoping that it will spark that flame we once had. I filed all the paperwork a few months ago, bought a new ring but its too late now.
> 
> Our kids are 8 and 11. They understand whats going on and they don't seem to care that much.


OH they will care, they may just now show it.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Lordofdroks said:


> She just said she don't know what to do. She's not sure whether she wants to stay or leave. She still loves me but its not like before. The passion is gone. I don't last in bed. She said I just can't stay with you out of pity.
> 
> She said what we might need is to have nobody that can take care of the kids so we can go on dates and spend time together.
> 
> She seems to be thinking a lot.





Lordofdroks said:


> She still doesn't know. Her mind is all messed up right now, she said.
> 
> "We could live in separate houses but still be a couple with some kind of shared custody".
> 
> ...


Look, you have 2 young-ish kids together and 18 years. It's hard to walk away from that no matter how much she may want to. Of course she's thinking! She's thinking and over thinking.

Of course she wonders if she will regret it. People are told we should suck it up, be grateful we aren't alone, and that it's a horrible person and terrible parent who would break up a family over their own "selfish" desire to be in romantic love and have a healthy sex life.

Date nights. Separate houses to see if absence makes the heart grow fonder and if issues can be solved. Long kisses with a sad face at the end. If you want my interpretation, she has looked into ways to try to save the relationship out of obligation and attachment. Those 2 suggestions are in the top 10 of every how to save your failed marriage list. The long kiss with pensive sad face? An attempt to see if she feels anything and sadness after she realized she tried to feel something and couldn't.

I highly suspect she wants to want to be with you. Wouldn't that solve everything? She'd be able to maintain her marriage, family, social and financial stability, etc. and she wouldn't be the "bad guy" if only she actually wanted to be with you. The unfortunate reality, though, is that wanting to want something isn't enough.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Lordofdroks said:


> I'll plan my exit strategy just in case.


That would be the prudent course of action.
Because when all this plays out, you're going to need it.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Lordofdroks said:


> oday I asked her about what we should do. I hate being in doubt and not being able to plan accordingly..
> 
> She still doesn't know. Her mind is all messed up right now, she said.


Do you see how pathetic and weak your timid questioning is? Man, take your balls and your dignity back, and for a change YOU decide what's going to happen in your life. I don't understand why grown up people become such doormat that they can even take care of their own future. They have to have someone else decide for them. That's pathetic.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

My fear is that she really is waiting for you to make a decision so she does not look like the bad person, she wants you to end this relationship so she can play the victim card, which is why she is being wishy washy...and i call BS she already has someone in mind. she does not want to be the cheater that's all.


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## Lordofdroks (Aug 17, 2020)

I feel terrible. I snooped. I went through her phone while she was taking her shower. Asked my daughter if by any chance she knew the code. Oh yeah I saw mommy doing it, here it is!

She posted on facebook groups for advice... I found the big picture.

There is no affair. No other men. No feelings for anyone else. She's just not fulfilled by the relationship. She has resentment because I took her for granted for so long, that I waited so long and did not marry her. That I accused her of the start of an EA a few years ago when that was one-sided and she had no desire to cheat on me. The reason she doesn't want me to use her phone is because of these questions and advice she's been asking. Not because she was talking to other guys. She's angry that I kept hitting on that nail when I found out and was constantly reminding her that she was "unfaithful" because she hid it from me, knowing that I would be pissed off if I saw that she talked to another guy, event if it was innocent and one-sided. She told them she talked to him because he was showing interest in talking to her while I was in my basement playing video games and ****. Was tired that I was getting paranoid on her. Also resentful because I don't do enough chores related to the kids (prepare their lunch for school, pick up which clothes they wear, go to doc appointments with them). She's tired of doing it all by herself. That I'm stubborn and I don't want to shave my beard she hates. 
She feels sad and depressed because she still loves me and cannot decide between staying with me and accept the relationship as is and working on stuff, or going solo. She is scared she might regret it. But she ended the thread saying that her decision is made.

it's all my fault and I feel like a ****ing asshole. Instead of jerking off in anger in my basement thinking of all the times she rejected me, I should have taken good care of her and tried to please her.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

People can hate a cheater and be such one, too.
People can hate themselves, therefore, through, and through.

She may not have cheated, but her cheating friend is trying to convince her otherwise.
She is no friend to the union.

That said, she may be more than a friend, she may be a godsend.
To your partner, not to you.

Her friend is telling her how to be free and happy.

Her friends advice may be correct, yet correct can be direct, and cold blooded.
Which, your partner is not.


_THRD-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

...


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Lordofdroks said:


> I feel terrible. I snooped. I went through her phone while she was taking her shower. Asked my daughter if by any chance she knew the code. Oh yeah I saw mommy doing it, here it is!
> 
> She posted on facebook groups for advice... I found the big picture.
> 
> ...



You really have some issues don't you. 

Look, how do you know she did not delete something on her phone? Just asking.

There is more going on here than you realize, but hey, married people, or at least in a LTR should be able to check phones. 

You may be the biggest creep in the world but you got reason to check stuff out. 

For my money, if a woman can't decide how she feels, she is not into you and it is time to end the relationship. 

Then next time you try and do better, with the next person...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What’s done is done so now you learn from this, move on and rebuild your life.


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## Imagirl (Aug 17, 2020)

Lordofdroks said:


> it's all my fault and I feel like a ****ing asshole. Instead of jerking off in anger in my basement thinking of all the times she rejected me, I should have taken good care of her and tried to please her.


 I know I've been in the minority on this one but I STILL don't think it's too late. I can empathize with her. Hire a babysitter. Take her out. Apologize for not meeting her needs. Tell her what you need. Make another date. Them start actively loving her. Set reminders on random dates if you need to. It could be for anything. To pick up a bouquet of flowers. To tell her she's appreciated. To shut everything down after the kids are in bed and watch a movie together. Give her a masage. Let her give you a massage. Don't leave her feeling lonely. Don't leave her feeling unloved. Maybe it still won't work out, who knows? But maybe it will.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

Lordofdroks said:


> Orgasm from penetration. Never achieved that in our entire relationship. I don't last much more than 10 minutes. We stopped doing it weekly many, many, many years ago. I'm not used to it anymore and no matter how hard I try to hold it, nope, won't work. I gained weight, she feels like theres a big whale on top of her. She doesn't want that we use toys. Other positions won't work because.. well because... I won't elaborate, I don't feel like describing the length and diameter of my *small *friend.


Actually that's not as uncommon as you might think (no orgasm). The key in the bedroom is focus on their enjoyment and make yours secondary. Not all the time, but at least more than half. Don't want to get graphic, but there are things you can do that most women truly enjoy and it doesn't involve straight sex. Also we all gain weight as we age, but that is a major turn off to most in the bedroom. Probably should have made getting/staying in shape a priority too. Never too late though.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Lordofdroks said:


> I feel terrible. I snooped. I went through her phone while she was taking her shower. Asked my daughter if by any chance she knew the code. Oh yeah I saw mommy doing it, here it is!
> 
> She posted on facebook groups for advice... I found the big picture.
> 
> ...


I'm really sorry about this. I'm so sorry for your regret. I can imagine how bad you feel...the majority of people take their long-term partners for granted, and people are ultimately self-focused, so how you acted is pretty normal. I have no doubt that you truly love her! However, you feeling it and making sure SHE feels it are two very different things...and there are usually consequences for not caring for the person you love in a way that THEY recognize and FEEL, and that's what you are dealing with now.
You have two choices -- you can tell her what you posted here, that you see how you failed her and your relationship, and you would love another chance to show her what is in your heart and how much you love her...OR, you can let her go, and let both of you start over with new people. She is probably really done...once the trust in a man's love is gone, most women cannot overcome that and usually just want to leave.

Whatever you decide, and whatever happens, I wish you GOOD LUCK!!!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Parents raising special-needs children live in a special sort of prison.
> 
> You are indentured to your own progeny.
> 
> ...


How did you determine the children are special-needs?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> How did you determine the children are special-needs?


I went back and checked.
Um, sorry, I was wrong on this.
Got my threads tangled up.


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