# Almost at breaking point



## JO-85 (Jun 8, 2016)

Hi, I need advice with my husband.
We have been married 3 years together for 5. We are currently in the process of him becoming permanent resident in my country which is stressful enough. We have 2 children together and I have an older child from a previous relationship.
But my husband is LAZY! 
He refuses to find work to help me financially. I pay everything in the house, he won't clean, won't help me with the kids and he is taking money out of my kids mouth for his own addictions. I can't buy them any clothes because of this or barely have enough money to buy food.
All he does is play video games and sleeps. When I say video games I mean up to 24 hours straight!!! While I handle all the kids, errands, cooking, cleaning and when I get overwhelmed and stressed out he gets angry and blames me for everything. He was a nice guy at first then we got married and he became lazy to the point he won't eat unless I get up and make it for him.
The only time he is affectionate is when he wants sex and I'm let him do his thing and hope he finishes quickly. 
I don't know what to do anymore, just looking at him I feel resentment.


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## camerashy (May 29, 2016)

If it were me, I would smash the game console into a million pieces and refuse to pay for another one. Then he would have to get a job to pay for his own.

What "addictions" are we talking? Just the gaming?


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## JO-85 (Jun 8, 2016)

Addiction as in Mary Jane. 
If he doesn't have it he is pretty much a psycho. Makes our life misery.
I'm constantly walking on egg shells.
He was never like this. Its only once we became married he turned into this other person. Its like he owns me now (his mentality)


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## camerashy (May 29, 2016)

JO-85 said:


> Addiction as in Mary Jane.
> If he doesn't have it he is pretty much a psycho. Makes our life misery.
> I'm constantly walking on egg shells.
> He was never like this. Its only once we became married he turned into this other person. Its like he owns me now (his mentality)


 @JO-85 Psycho as in abusive? 

I'm having trouble seeing what is redeemable about your M.

Can you tell me what are some of the good things about your H? Are you still in love with him?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He will not eat? Oh. How sad. Let him starve.

And halt the procedure to let him become a citizen if you can. 

A druggie with your kids? 

Not good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JO-85 (Jun 8, 2016)

Do I love him sure, do I hate him as well yes. 
Apart from all his bad attributes, he make me constantly laugh and gives me a confidence boost in myself.
When he tries to do things for me they are nice gestures. But that's only really every so often.
He isn't physically abusive he is emotionally. He might as well grab and cut the words straight into me.
Its only really slamming doors, sometimes punching holes in our walls


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

JO-85 said:


> *He isn't physically abusive he is emotionally*. He might as well grab and cut the words straight into me.
> *Its only really slamming doors, sometimes punching holes in our walls[*/QUOTE]
> 
> Oh well, thats alright then!
> ...


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## JO-85 (Jun 8, 2016)

Look, he was never once like this. Its once we put our visa in he became more hostile and angry.
He blames me for taking him away from his family but doesn't want to man up and take care of the one we have made together.
I'm just looking for advice so I could maybe give myself hope he will become the person he once was or if it sounds like a long term situation.


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## camerashy (May 29, 2016)

JO-85 said:


> Do I love him sure, do I hate him as well yes.
> Apart from all his bad attributes, he make me constantly laugh and gives me a confidence boost in myself.
> When he tries to do things for me they are nice gestures. But that's only really every so often.
> He isn't physically abusive he is emotionally. He might as well grab and cut the words straight into me.
> Its only really slamming doors, sometimes punching holes in our walls


Please at least tell me he's handy with plaster and a paint roller. Punching holes in your walls and slamming doors is not ok @JO-85

I think you're in an unhealthy situation and so are your babies. It sounds to me like there COULD be some deeper issues at play here (you are insecure, your hubby makes you feel about yourself in order to manipulate you etc). Could be wrong, but that's what I'm picking up on. It takes more than a laugh and a pat on the back to make a M work. Your H clearly has issues and needs help. If he's unwilling to seek that help, then you need to leave.

Heck, even if he is willing...no one would blame you if you left him.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think you are looking at this from the wrong perspective. You think his current behaviour is an aberration. I think this is who he really is and you're only seeing it now because he feels safe enough to show it. I think that if there was anything you could possibly do to get him to turn the charm back on, you would've thought of it already.

Open your eyes. See him for who he really is. Accept that is who he is and make a decision as to how you want to continue from this point forward.


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## camerashy (May 29, 2016)

JO-85 said:


> Look, he was never once like this. Its once we put our visa in he became more hostile and angry.
> He blames me for taking him away from his family but doesn't want to man up and take care of the one we have made together.
> I'm just looking for advice so I could maybe give myself hope he will become the person he once was or if it sounds like a long term situation.


I understand your defensiveness (believe me, I do), but he is making excuses. He is hostile and angry because he chooses to be hostile and angry. There is nothing wrong with having hope OP (God, my heart goes out to you) - but that hope needs to be based on something solid. He needs to make steps to address his anger and addictions - but he's only going to do that if he actually wants to make changes. And you need to think about you and your children first and foremost. I would suggest removing yourselves from the situation (like leaving temporarily) while he seeks real help. And when, and only then, he actually proves to you that he has changed do you and your kids re-enter the home.


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## JO-85 (Jun 8, 2016)

I understand your advice completely. We do have more stable reasons in our marriage. Off guard that's the first things that come to my head. When he's working he's really not that bad. We have no one except each other to lean on but that's just another excuse for his actions. I guess I have hope that he will snap out of it for the kids and our marriage otherwise it will keep falling downhill.
I came across this site on Google and surely we are all on it because of problems we may face. It's nice to speak to people who don't know me or my situation and get an outsiders perspective


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## taioca (Jun 9, 2016)

I'm sorry to hear about your situation . When I met my Husband he was not In a good place. I was an student he was doing drugs at the time and living a crazy life . This was 11 yeas ago . Today he graduated college and is getting his masters . Takes care of the kids and the house . I make 4 times more than him but he does sooo much that in the end this is not an issue . So to make a long story short .he needs to want to do it . The change has to come from him . You will not be able to change this man unless he wants to change. Things are coming too easy and he lost focus of his goals . he is probably depressed from what I can tell . He needs to get professional help . You are going to resent him more and more as the time passes by . 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

He needs to man up! He's blaming you for things you can't control.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Please leave him and file for divorce. Don't make your kids grow up thinking he's a decent person and that they should grow up to be like him.

And if you really DO want to try to save the marriage - though I can't imagine why - if you kick him out or move out yourself (with the kids) - he MAY come to realize what he threw away and find a reason to get help and become a better person.

Are you afraid to throw the game console away?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

JO-85 said:


> He isn't physically abusive he is emotionally. He might as well grab and cut the words straight into me. Its only really slamming doors, sometimes punching holes in our walls.


JO, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., temper tantrums, controlling actions, verbal and emotional abuse, lack of impulse control (e.g., drug abuse), and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your H has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he may exhibit strong traits of it.

I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your H exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do. 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits them at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as strong verbal abuse and childish temper tantrums.



> I'm constantly walking on egg shells.


If you really have been living with a BPDer for 3 years, that is exactly how you should be feeling. This is why the best-selling book on BPD (targeted to the abused spouses) is titled _Stop Walking on Eggshells._



> He was never like this. Its only once we became married he turned into this other person. Its like he owns me now (his mentality).


The vast majority of BPDers (i.e., those having strong and persistent traits) typically are very caring and passionate during the courtship period. Their infatuation holds their two great fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay. It therefore is common for a BPDer to behave completely differently as soon as that infatuation starts to evaporate -- as typically happens right after the wedding if not before.



> I'm just looking for advice.


My advice is to see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is that you and the kids are dealing with. This is important because, even if you decide to divorce him tomorrow, your H likely will continue to play a major role in your children's lives. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you read about BPD warning signs to see if they seem to apply.

An easy place to start reading is my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of these red flags at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, JO.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

JO-85 said:


> Do I love him sure, do I hate him as well yes.
> Apart from all his bad attributes, he make me constantly laugh and gives me a confidence boost in myself.
> When he tries to do things for me they are nice gestures. But that's only really every so often.
> He isn't physically abusive he is emotionally. He might as well grab and cut the words straight into me.
> Its only really slamming doors, sometimes punching holes in our walls


You can do a lot better. You can find someone you love who you do not also hate. Someone you do not have to support while they play games all day and then cut you with words. How is that a confidence boost, btw?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

JO-85 said:


> I understand your advice completely. We do have more stable reasons in our marriage. Off guard that's the first things that come to my head. When he's working he's really not that bad. We have no one except each other to lean on but that's just another excuse for his actions. *I guess I have hope that he will snap out of it for the kids and our marriage otherwise it will keep falling downhill.
> *I came across this site on Google and surely we are all on it because of problems we may face. It's nice to speak to people who don't know me or my situation and get an outsiders perspective


He isn't going to "snap out of it", this is who he is. Divorce him, like, yesterday.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Why are you letting him do this? You need to know you don't deserve this kind of treatment and either do your kids. Stand up for yourself, put your foot down.


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