# Husband says he loves me but doesn't have the connection anymore (advice?)



## 1987SPJE1982 (Feb 14, 2013)

Hello 
I'm at my wits end. I have no one to talk to about this as my husband hung up the phone and won't talk to me now.
I've been reading here for awhile and thought maybe I could get some advice here. 

So here's the currant situation. I'm at work again after taking most of the year off. I came back because we were falling behind and really needed the extra income. My job is being a medic out in the oil field so I'm away from home for 2 weeks at a time. 
It's only been a week and my husband has done something terrible. 
The first night I was gone he turned his phone off and went partying with his old friends. People he cut all contact with before because all they did was use him and get him in trouble. I finally heard from him the next day and he said he was really sorry. I forgave him after because he seemed very upset with himself for betraying me. I had been up all night crying and calling the hospital because I was afraid something happened to him. 

So we got past that and things went back to normal. We were calling each other several times a day, laughing with each other and always saying I love you. We've always been very open with showing how much we love each other. 
Then he did it again last night. Same friends I think. Only this time there was no apology. I didn't sleep all night because again I was worried. I called his sister to see if she has seen him(he was supposed to go to our nephews birthday party, I called the hospital twice to make sure he wasn't there because it's been snowing since yesterday and the roads are horrible. Anyway I finally got a hold of him at 11. We talked for three hours and there was no apology. He told me that he doesn't like that everything is my way and that I tell him what he can and can't do. Then he said he wants me to sleep with men out here so at least he'll know what I'm doing rather than just wondering(?!?) and finally he told me that even though he loves me and could never share the love he has for me with anyone else, he wants to sleep with other women. He added that when we make love he pictures someone else in his mind. I started crying uncontrollably at this point and he hung up the phone. I've tried to call him back but he won't answer. This just ripped me apart.

I see how a man might feel this way if he was being neglected or mistreated but I'm absolutely clueless as to why he feels that way. 
I have been a very good wife to him. While I was off work I still had money coming in so I wasn't being a burden. I kept the house clean, did the laundry and cooked for him. He worked very hard and basically if there was anything I could do to make his life easier I did it. I don't control him at all. I find that I'm completely beta in our relationship. He has trust issues because of his past so I am willingly 100% transparent with him. I'd rather it be that way because he is my husband and I consider him my other half and equal. And we have sex regularly when I'm home. Not as much as before but I've been working on ways to spice it up and keep it interesting. He still says I'm hot to him and I haven't put on weight. I never had a clue that he would want another woman because he was so devoted to me and made me feel so loved. 
There is one thing I've asked of him and really put my foot down. I asked him to cut contact with his toxic friends. Three guys who always got him in trouble. He was getting out of a substance addiction at the time and they tried to keep him doing it. They encouraged him to drink and lied to me if I called them asking if they had seen my husband. They also convinced him to blow off work so they could party. Basically I seen it as him hurting himself, his career and me for these people who didn't even care about him.
He figured it out and agreed that cutting contact with them was in his and our best interest. Since then I've encouraged him to reconnect with his other friends. Most of them are married and really nice people. He became more involved with his family (parents siblings aunts uncles and grandparents). They didn't have much of a connection when he was an addict. 
I love this man very much and can't imagine life without him now. Has anyone been in this kind of situation and pulled through it? I am so hurt right now and have no one to confide in since my husband won't answer his phone. 
What can I do? 
What can I say to him? 
I know we need to see a marriage councillor but that can't be done right now. I'm still stuck out in the oil patch for another week. 
Any advice on how we might be able to fix this would be really appreciated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I'm not sure what to say. This is a very complicated situation. One thing I know though is if my wife was working with a bunch of men in the oil fields for weeks at a time I would be incredibly insecure and unhappy about it. In fact I'd likely just assume cheating to avoid being blind sided.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

I assume you went back to work because your
husband is not making enough money to pay
everything.

Does he have any hobbies or only spends time with you?
I suspect your husband feels like a failure for not
making enough money.Also, add to this you work and
he's alone for weeks at a time.

You also don't trust him enough to stay sober when
your not around.You both have many issues going
on.

Try finding out why he's to push you away?
Good Luck


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Get thee to Alanon pronto!

You can't stop an adult from hanging with drinking buddies. If he wants to stop he will, if he doesn't want to stop there isn't a damn thing you can do about it.

His hurtful words to you, IMO, were subterfuge. His attack before you could attack. IMO, they were a childish way to cut you off at the knees before you could rake him over the coals.

You are not a beta, you are an enabler. Go to Alanon. Find the meetings and go every day.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Sorry, it sounds like he's cheating on you, which is why he's telling you to sleep with other men. Is he worth fighting for? You mention a drug addiction, you worrying constantly about him. He also seems manipulative, he's not answering your calls on purpose. 

Is this how you want to spend your life?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I'm sorry - what an awful thing to happen while you are away and helpless to work things out (if they can be worked out) till you get home. 

What he has done is very mean and insensitive to you - whether you can work it out or not it would take me a really long time to get over him being that mean.


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## 1987SPJE1982 (Feb 14, 2013)

I could see how some might see being in a camp in the patch as a threat but to elaborate, it's really not that bad. I'm not surrounded by men. There's three other women out here. One of them is part of the crew and works with her husband. Me being a medic means I have to stay out of the danger zones meaning I'm away from everyone most of the time and always by myself. I've also developed a habit for the comfort of my husband. Knowing what some women had done to him in the past and how paranoid he might feel from time to time I make sure I always have my phone on me. Not one text or call goes unanswered. Heck I'm not doing anything anyway so he can call me at any given time. If I were cheating I wouldn't be that open and so happy to hear from him when he calls. Shouldnt that be reassurance enough? That he can call me at any time and I'm able to answer right away and I'm obviously by myself...?

We had enough money coming in to get by but my old boss called and said she was stuck and needed another medic and no one was available. I didn't accept until after my husband asked me to take it. So I don't think he feels like a failure about not making enough. His pay is going to double in a couple months anyway so that's not a big issue. 
As far as hobbies he has a few that can keep him busy over the winter. He hunts and we live on a nice sized piece of property. There's always wood to cut and split (oddly enough he loves doing this), we also have a dog an a cat that love attention. I had gotten him a cane corso pup for him last year just for a surprise because ever since I've known him he's wanted one (they're pretty rare here so it took a ton of effort to find the perfect one). There's also work around the house and he has friends he can see whenever he wants. Plus the fact he has a full time job which he may have just lost because they needed him today and he never called in.

I really did trust that he was going to make wise decisions for himself with me gone. He has grown so much as a person since he got away from those people.
It really sucks but it happened. And what he did and said really hurt me.

He did call me back a few hours ago. He couldn't recall anything that he said to me.. Is that possible? I know he was drunk and fell asleep after he hung up but can you really forget in less than 6 hours? Anyway he couldn't remember saying any of that so I asked him straight out if he cheated on me or wanted other women. He told me no he's never cheated. But he wants to have a threesome! My answer right there is no. We took vows for forsake all others. We made a promise to be each other's onlys and I honestly have never heard of a threesome bringing people together. 
Then he went on to tell me that he doesn't see cheating like other people. He says it's just sex and doesn't hurt anyone unless they want to be hurt. 
I tried to explain that's not how people work that sex is much more than just a physical thing. He then went on to give me full permission to cheat on him to "prove" that it wouldn't affect him. Bullsh*t! And even if it didn't affect him by some miracle I could not live with myself for doing that. 
Eventually he realized I wasn't going to go for it and said well if I don't know it won't hurt me. That is just so low. This man means so much to me and has shown me how much you can love and be loved by someone. But to say that just rips my world apart. To me, cheating on someone means you do not love or respect that person. But as of tonight he says he would love me and respect me more if we had sex with other people. 
A week ago he was a knight in shining armor. The man of my dreams. Today he is a devil and took everything I love away. 
I know he'll feel different again in the morning and beg for forgiveness. But how much is too much? Is there any hope for a person like this? 
What would you say to a person that did this to you? 
I want this to work but I don't know what else I can say to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

> I know he'll feel different again in the morning and beg for forgiveness. But how much is too much?


Drinking in itself is enough. Add in carousing with the guys, saying mean things to you under the guise of being too drunk to filter, suggesting a threesome, and giving you permission to cheat (in the hopes he would also get permission) is more than enough to say ENOUGH!





> Is there any hope for a person like this?


No.



> What would you say to a person that did this to you?


Get out and don't come back!


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

1987SPJE1982 said:


> Then he went on to tell me that *he doesn't see cheating like other people*. He says *it's just sex and doesn't hurt anyone unless they want to be hurt*.
> I tried to explain that's not how people work that sex is much more than just a physical thing. He then went on to give me full permission to cheat on him to "prove" that it wouldn't affect him. Bullsh*t! And even if it didn't affect him by some miracle I could not live with myself for doing that.
> Eventually he realized I wasn't going to go for it and said *well if I don't know it won't hurt me*.


I'm so sorry this is happening to you. But let me translate each of those lines that I bolded above.

"I'm cheating, but I'm not _really_ cheating. And even if I was, it's all good. 'Cause, ya know, I'm an open-minded kind of guy."

"The sex I'm having with the other woman (women?) is just sex, and it won't hurt you unless you choose to be hurt. Being hurt by my cheating will be all your fault. It won't be my fault - at all - for betraying you. So, this is all on you."

"What you don't know won't hurt you, dear. So if you don't want to be hurt, stop trying to know what's going on. Stop suspecting that my clearly untrustworthy words and actions might be, ya know, untrustworthy. If you are hurt by my cheating, it won't be because I'm cheating but because you found out. Shame on you for finding out!"​
Again, I'm so sorry. Being away from your spouse for lengths of time is never good for a marriage. It leaves both parties vulnerable to building relationships with others to fill the emotional voids. However, what you've got on your hands is a relapsing addict, with toxic friends, crappy boundaries, no respect for marriage or you, and most probably at least one other woman.


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## 1987SPJE1982 (Feb 14, 2013)

I know that it's a possibility that he has already cheated. But I don't want to believe it. We've always been really open with each other and so in love. I mean we chose to do as much as we can together. Always kissing hugging and holding hands. If I'm even slightly upset and not showing it he can see it. And won't settle for "I'm fine" or "it's nothing" he is always so attentive.
I talked to him on the phone again for a couple hours this morning. Completely sober this time. He's now saying that he thinks he really F'd up by hanging out with that guy again. Also that he loves me and wouldn't cheat on me. I asked him why and he said because he doesn't want to hurt me anymore and that he doesn't think he could handle it himself. 
Now from an outside perspective I'm pretty sure you would say he's a liar and I'd be an idiot for believing him. 
But I do. 
My husband has a history of these "moods" we'll call them. Where he'll say he hates himself, I hate him, everybody hates him and nothing matters. I'm thinking now that this is what this was all about again. He's tried that before in one of these moods. Telling me that he's not good enough and that I shouldn't waste my time with him. His mother had even told me that he's always been like that and she just gave up on him. I love this man deeply and I can't imagine giving up on him. 
I believe that he hasn't cheated on me. I believe that he loves me. And I believe that we can make it past this if we both put in the effort. 
But even though I believe him I do not fully trust him. I know he is going to have to be 100% transparent with me. He needs to get help because it is not healthy for him to get in moods where he feels he can say or do hurtful things. He also needs to see a marriage counsellor with me.
I've told him now that it's his bad "friends" or me. That if he really loves me he will let them go. I've explained that I'm not trying to be controlling but given that this has happened nearly everytime he was with that guy that it is now a compromise he has to make. I'm not asking him to give up this person because I'm selfish. I'm asking him to give him up because he is completely toxic. His life is completely miserable and he doesn't have a problem with helping my husband go down to his level. He is gone, end of story. If he pops back up that means I am done. 
He has agreed to my conditions and says he understands why I don't trust him fully. He needs to earn that back. 
I really do love this man. Not only is he my husband but he is also my best friend. Defending, helping and loving him comes so natural to me and I can't just give up.
Thank you for your advice. I am going to keep all of this in my mind but I am not going to give up or punish him for it. I forgave but I will remain guarded until he can earn my trust again. 

Although if anyone has ever has these trust, anger and self hate issues themselves I would be very interested in how you cope with them or overcame them...?
He has a lot of these issues from the past that he hasn't resolved and if there's anything I can do to help or help him find help I think it would really improve how he handles himself. Like I said the only time he does these things is when his in one of his moods.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## H-J (Oct 3, 2013)

1987SPJE1982 said:


> I could see how some might see being in a camp in the patch as a threat but to elaborate, it's really not that bad. I'm not surrounded by men. There's three other women out here. One of them is part of the crew and works with her husband. Me being a medic means I have to stay out of the danger zones meaning I'm away from everyone most of the time and always by myself. I've also developed a habit for the comfort of my husband. Knowing what some women had done to him in the past and how paranoid he might feel from time to time I make sure I always have my phone on me. Not one text or call goes unanswered. Heck I'm not doing anything anyway so he can call me at any given time. If I were cheating I wouldn't be that open and so happy to hear from him when he calls. Shouldnt that be reassurance enough? That he can call me at any time and I'm able to answer right away and I'm obviously by myself...?
> 
> We had enough money coming in to get by but my old boss called and said she was stuck and needed another medic and no one was available. I didn't accept until after my husband asked me to take it. So I don't think he feels like a failure about not making enough. His pay is going to double in a couple months anyway so that's not a big issue.
> As far as hobbies he has a few that can keep him busy over the winter. He hunts and we live on a nice sized piece of property. There's always wood to cut and split (oddly enough he loves doing this), we also have a dog an a cat that love attention. I had gotten him a cane corso pup for him last year just for a surprise because ever since I've known him he's wanted one (they're pretty rare here so it took a ton of effort to find the perfect one). There's also work around the house and he has friends he can see whenever he wants. Plus the fact he has a full time job which he may have just lost because they needed him today and he never called in.
> ...


Hi there.

I wanted to write to say I am so sorry for the pain and hurt you're feeling. I read your post and wanted to tell you how mature and sensitive you seem as a partner and just generally as a person who always thinks of others. I think that it's devastating to have someone you love so much, and have been so sensitive too all the time, close down on you. I am so, so sorry.

Firstly, I think you need to know that you are doing your best, and that from what I read, the attack from your beloved partner is, as one of the other posters suggested, an attack to get in there first and block any potential attack from you because he is going through things that he doesn't understand, and possibly he feels guilt, and then anger that he should feel guilty, etc. I just think it must be devastating, since you never did anything wrong - on the contrary, you've cherished your relationship and seem to never have been in it unconsciously or selfishly. I also think it's completely healthy to feel you have a boundary when it comes to his old toxic friends. So i don't think you're needy, unfair or unreasonable.

It is so hard to know what could be going on in your partner's head -- I sympathise with how confused and panicked you must be feeling. It does sound a bit like he is going through some sort of mid-life (or similar) crisis, and you, being the person closest to him, are bearing the brunt of it.

What's so hard is that it seems that it's his issue: he needs to try to understand where all of this is coming from, then place it in context and speak to you rationally about it all. But like you said, he's not there right now. I hate hate hate that terrible, terrifying, sad limbo period where you feel like you're going to go crazy with distress and worry and confusion.

While it's so hard to know what to do, I think you would be safe continuing to be who you are - the wonderfully consistent, kind, supportive and generous minded person you seem to be - and understand that the responsibility for his confusion lies with him to unravel. You can continue to love him as much as you do, and know that that, without any doubt, is solid and not unpredictable.

If it's at all possible to sit tight and be calm and nurture yourself right now, that may be a good way to try to get through this.

Please know people are thinking of you and sending you as much warm wishes as possible. 
H-J


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

*Is that possible?*

100% I can't remember 5 years of my life. 

His moods - He needs to see an addictions counselor and is suffering from low self esteem. He has an addiction to overcome and unresolved issues.

How often does he get in these moods and use alcohol to numb himself? 

PS Tell him you won't speak to him when he's drunk. The conversations don't make any sense as you've already noticed.


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## mcfadyenpb (Dec 4, 2013)

This is a very complicated situation.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

You need to quit the job and get a job closer to home even if it earns you less. 

Money is not worth losing your husband.

He is encouraging you to sleep around so he can sleep around guilt free.

Either get closer to him or release yourself from the marriage with divorce and start over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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