# Amazing relationship but was physically attracted to another partner more



## cainsim74 (Jan 28, 2013)

Hello,
My girlfriend and I have an amazing relationship and I've just proposed to her a week ago and she's beyond excited. She's 45 and has been a free spirit her whole life and has had 3 other guys propose to her and she broke it off with them early on for good reasons and has never been married. We've been dating almost a year and have been in a long distance relationship for a little over a month and she says she's never missed any of her other boyfriends she's had a relationship with except for me and it's a totally different experience for her and she's actually surprised by it. She also is surprised at her reaction to the thought of being married. She's been looking at wedding dresses, planning the wedding almost immediately, planning taking pictures and everything. I was shocked too about her reaction- we both are. She's been so independent her whole life this seems completely out of character for her but it feels amazing that she feels that way about me. 

My only concern about this relationship is the sex feels very vanilla at times and sex is extremely important to me in a relationship. I'm used to having very passionate sexual relationships with my partners and have been very flattered how much they have liked having sex with me. I hate to say it, but 4 month into our relationship, when we went through a rough patch and I thought she was going to break up with me, I saw a text from her ex and snooped and found out that when they were dating she was extremely turned on by him and it feels like she was way more attracted sexually to him than me. I think is very common. Many people had ex's that they were sexually more attracted to than the person who they chose to marry. I get this but it tears me apart sometimes and it really hurts. We do have great sex but I feel like she's not turned on as much as she could be and it's an attraction thing. I know she's crazy about me in all other ways but I wish "I did it" for her like this other guy. 

I don't know how to navigate these feelings without causing stress between us.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Call off the engagement. You're already snooping on her. Mistrust and deceit are a poor foundation for a successful marriage.

I would suggest you have a direct conversation with her about your fears/feelings. If you love her, you owe her that.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Is there proof that she was more attracted to her ex or is it just in your head. I will tell you it’s in your head and not to think to much into it.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

It looks like you signed up at TAM a long time ago. Have you read any of the threads about sex issues in marriage? If so, then you probably realize that situations like yours rarely (never?) have a happy ending. And that's even when there were years and years of good sex before there started to have problems. If you're already having sex issues 1 year into the relationship--and you're not even married yet--that's a very bad sign. Best case scenario if you talk to her is that she makes more of an effort for a few months and then her enthusiasm slides back down farther than it was before. And add in that she seems more interested in other guys, it's going to be essentially impossible to have a happy marriage. Marriage is supposed to last a lifetime. Can you imagine dealing with this kind of stuff for the rest of your life?


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

You cannot put the cat back in the bag. You need to have a conversation with her about the text messages and get it out. I don't know what she will do with it, but this will eat at you until you deal with it.

If there is ever a lul, or slow down in your sex life you will catastrophize it to her thinking about him, or her just not wanting to be with you at all.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

When you have both had many previous sexual partners you will have to accept that you will both have had many sexual experiences that may or may not be better than the one you now have. The difference now is that you are getting married and that you love each other. If you want to be with her, then stop thinking about the past and let it go.


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## cainsim74 (Jan 28, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> When you have both had many previous sexual partners you will have to accept that you will both have had many sexual experiences that may or may not be better than the one you now have. The difference now is that you are getting married and that you love each other. If you want to be with her, then stop thinking about the past and let it go.


Yeah - I really think this is where my head should be right now. I've honestly had better sexual experiences with other partners but the one thing I didn't have with them was the deep love that I have for her.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

cainsim74 said:


> Yeah - I really think this is where my head should be right now. I've honestly had better sexual experiences with other partners but the one thing I didn't have with them was the deep love that I have for her.


The more you care about someone the harder it is to enjoy better sexual experiences with that person, or so psychology suggests. 

Even long term couples married for decades get too focussed on making vanilla emotionally connected love and often miss out on the fun of knowing how to really f'k each other's brains out. Some of that is fearing that if you share each other's past that it could cause more harm as opposed to taking an opportunity to learn from it. 

If you share something with her from your past it would be because you want her to benefit from that knowledge. You would not want her to get her ego hurt that some other woman knew how to do something better than her. Same thing the other way around. 

Much easier said than done regarding your ego not being to hurt by this process. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

You're not a match.

And a year is not long enough to know someone.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

cainsim74 said:


> Yeah - I really think this is where my head should be right now. I've honestly had better sexual experiences with other partners but the one thing I didn't have with them was the deep love that I have for her.


Having sex with someone you love is precious and so meaningful. :smile2:


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

badsanta said:


> The more you care about someone the harder it is to enjoy better sexual experiences with that person, or so psychology suggests.
> 
> Even long term couples married for decades get too focussed on making vanilla emotionally connected love and often miss out on the fun of knowing how to really f'k each other's brains out. Some of that is fearing that if you share each other's past that it could cause more harm as opposed to taking an opportunity to learn from it.
> 
> ...


I cant agree with this at all. Sex in marriage is the best sex.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> I cant agree with this at all. Sex in marriage is the best sex.


I agree with you...

But, the OP and his future wife have had sex/relationships outside of marriage and they both bring those experiences to their upcoming marriage. If they try to suppress those experiences with some sort of fear and/or shame in order to be born again virgins for one another... that is a form of lying in my opinion.

If they are open to one another and have learned something about themselves from a previous relationship (sexually), then they should both benefit and be open to sharing that with one another. 

Imagine if your husband had a previous partner that did A), B), and C) with him. In your marriage he wanted to share those things with you but feared you would get your feelings hurt for revealing he did A), B), and C) with other women. So in the marriage he just let go of those things ever happening because he is afraid to talk about those things with you. Meanwhile he fantasized about them regularly (you doing it just as his previous partners had done). 

If I understand you correctly, you are saying the past must stay in the past?

Badsanta


PS: Some religions believe that once you have sex with someone then you are married to that person in the eyes of god. If that is the case then all relationships afterwards are then considered sex outside of marriage.


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## cainsim74 (Jan 28, 2013)

It's really hard for me to believe that it's the norm for people's best sex they've ever had was married sex. That's the holy grail but I know so many couples that don't seem to have a lot of sex or just lost interest in it completely.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

cainsim74 said:


> It's really hard for me to believe that it's the norm for people's best sex they've ever had was married sex. That's the holy grail but I know so many couples that don't seem to have a lot of sex or just lost interest in it completely.


I would say that married sex is infinitely better than anything outside of marriage I ever experienced. 

Married sex however is not always easy, because in the bedroom you might be arguing about finances, in-laws, parenting, medical issues, and the day to day business/schedule of running a household. Add to that there are often issues with neediness, lack of personal space, insecurities, low self esteem, and overall lack of proper diet, personal hygiene, exercise and sleep. 

But once you learn how to work together as a team to overcomes all of life's challenges, it translates into way more meaningful sex and the ability to push each other to new limits in ways you would never be able to imagine in a new relationship.

Expect problems and expect challenges that will be difficult. Just make sure you are both being a good team to work together on everything. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

cainsim74 said:


> Hello,
> My girlfriend and I have an amazing relationship and I've just proposed to her a week ago and she's beyond excited. She's 45 and has been a free spirit her whole life and has had 3 other guys propose to her and she broke it off with them early on for good reasons and has never been married. We've been dating almost a year and have been in a long distance relationship for a little over a month and she says she's never missed any of her other boyfriends she's had a relationship with except for me and it's a totally different experience for her and she's actually surprised by it. She also is surprised at her reaction to the thought of being married. She's been looking at wedding dresses, planning the wedding almost immediately, planning taking pictures and everything. I was shocked too about her reaction- we both are. She's been so independent her whole life this seems completely out of character for her but it feels amazing that she feels that way about me.
> 
> My only concern about this relationship is the sex feels very vanilla at times and sex is extremely important to me in a relationship. I'm used to having very passionate sexual relationships with my partners and have been very flattered how much they have liked having sex with me. I hate to say it, but 4 month into our relationship, when we went through a rough patch and I thought she was going to break up with me, I saw a text from her ex and snooped and found out that when they were dating she was extremely turned on by him and it feels like she was way more attracted sexually to him than me. I think is very common. Many people had ex's that they were sexually more attracted to than the person who they chose to marry. I get this but it tears me apart sometimes and it really hurts. We do have great sex but I feel like she's not turned on as much as she could be and it's an attraction thing. I know she's crazy about me in all other ways but I wish "I did it" for her like this other guy.
> ...


Doesn't sound amazing to me. Sound like the basis for a amazing friendship. 

The good news is your physical relationship is not static assuming she is physically attracted to you (which is the first thing you need to figure out). If she is you have to be mature about it though. Meaning you may have to step up. You have to be brave enough to talk about it and maybe accept that the way you usually do things are not a turn on to her and changing. You also need to talk to her about what turns you on. 

That's marriage you MUST TALK about this stuff a lot.


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## cainsim74 (Jan 28, 2013)

Just to clear this up - when I say she's free spirited, I meant in no way was she promiscuous. In fact she's completely the opposite. I was meaning her choices of careers and has lived a starving artist lifestyle her whole life.


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## cainsim74 (Jan 28, 2013)

sokillme said:


> Doesn't sound amazing to me. Sound like the basis for a amazing friendship.


sokillme - Wasn't following you on this?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, you 've been together for a year, and 4 months ago, she was back to texting an ex telling him how good THEIR sex life was?
Umm, really? That isn't some sort of warning flag? You had issues, so she runs back to an ex?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

badsanta said:


> I agree with you...
> 
> But, the OP and his future wife have had sex/relationships outside of marriage and they both bring those experiences to their upcoming marriage. If they try to suppress those experiences with some sort of fear and/or shame in order to be born again virgins for one another... that is a form of lying in my opinion.
> 
> ...


I would say that he can suggest they do certain things without saying that he has done them with women in the past.

I don't believe that if you have sex you are married because sex before marriage is wrong in His eyes, although God does say that sex seals the marriage.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sounds like you need to put an additional pair of socks on to warm your cold feet.

Are you looking for an excuse to break off the marriage plans?

In that letter to whomever, that ex, maybe she too was getting cold feet back then.
Or, maybe she was just puffing up the other guys ego.

Many people tell other people things that aren't really true, maybe exaggerations, or euphemisms. They may tell white lies to protect other's feelings.

As in, yeah Joey, you were the best!



King Brian-


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

cainsim74 said:


> sokillme - Wasn't following you on this?


I meant that you have may have an amazing friendship but without a good sex life it ain't going to be an amazing marriage. Just look on here and see, miss matched libidos without some compromise by both people leads to bad marriages and unhappy people.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

@cainsim74 if good sex amongst other things matters to you, then end your relationship with her.


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## cainsim74 (Jan 28, 2013)

jlg07 said:


> So, you 've been together for a year, and 4 months ago, she was back to texting an ex telling him how good THEIR sex life was?
> Umm, really? That isn't some sort of warning flag? You had issues, so she runs back to an ex?


No - you didn't read that right. When we were together, she only pushed him away. The text I saw to him saying that she was more attracted to him than me was right before we officially started dating and she was saying how she wanted a real relationship and not the FWB situation she had with them.


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## cainsim74 (Jan 28, 2013)

The sex is great - a little vanilla but I am just craving the attraction she had towards this guy.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, is it possible you're overthinking this?

Let's think about this. This message happened when you first started dating, so she likely still had some emotional connection to him. For many emotional connection helps create better sex....assuming the sex didn't stink.

Now she's bonded to you. How would you even know if she's more attracted to the other guy?

For me I always feel like I'm most attracted to the guy I'm with, because I dont date guys I'm not attracted to and my current guy is my focus. Everyone else is a shadow in the past, and I no longer live there.

So what exactly are you looking for and what do you need from her?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Dude, figure out what she is attracted to and how she response sexually and blow her away. Compete! That is how guys who are really successful with women and in life do it. 

Learn about what makes women tick. Make it your mission. Then learn about her specifically. 

If she is attracted to you because of something emphasize that. If it's some emotional connection do stuff that grows that. If it's his emotion distance, be aloof or stoic, or more assertive about what you want. Whatever it is, none of this is static. It's like any other activity you do with someone you have to practice to get better.

Best thing you can do with your spouse if you are a heterosexual man is to be assertive. That is want 99% of all women are looking for. I am not saying be bossy I am saying be assertive. Proactive, handling your ****. If you don't like something about your relationship take the lead and lead her to where you want it to go, not as her boss but as her partner. In this case make your sex life better.


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## cainsim74 (Jan 28, 2013)

I'm going to drop off here. I appreciate all your replies immensely and it's been very helpful. We actually had a talk about all this and I think everything is going to be fine. I really need to look at myself and learn to stop obsessing about things that don't matter so much in the big picture.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Well my best sex is with my husband. And frankly the best sex was 20+ years in. I don't think it should be the holy grail it should be normal. When you have sex, and lots of it, eventually an experience will be the best. When you are married you should be more comfortable with your partner then previous partners. And whether you are wide open with our communication or not, you are going to be more open with a long term love. This allows you to communicate desires or fantasies. Our sex life has certainly ebbed and flowed. But has gotten better over time. So yep best sex is married sex. And that doesn't even count that we have a great connection and I trust him more than anyone else on earth or in my life. That kind of trust leads to sexual experiences I would never have with others.


Married sex really is the best emotionally, and sexually.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> Well my best sex is with my husband. And frankly the best sex was 20+ years in. I don't think it should be the holy grail it should be normal. When you have sex, and lots of it, eventually an experience will be the best. When you are married you should be more comfortable with your partner then previous partners. And whether you are wide open with our communication or not, you are going to be more open with a long term love. This allows you to communicate desires or fantasies. Our sex life has certainly ebbed and flowed. But has gotten better over time. So yep best sex is married sex. And that doesn't even count that we have a great connection and I trust him more than anyone else on earth or in my life. That kind of trust leads to sexual experiences I would never have with others.
> 
> 
> Married sex really is the best emotionally, and sexually.



and spiritually:smile2:


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> and spiritually:smile2:


Sometimes two spirits meet (secretly) before they meet in person. 
Our spirits can travel any distance, when they have a dreaming mind to.

One a tuning fork, the other the soft hammer.
Then the reverse.



The Typist I-


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