# How do I move on after hearing about husband's emotional affair?



## shattered319 (Jul 30, 2012)

This past Saturday, my husband of one year and less than five months floored me with the news that not only had he realized that he doesn't want kids, ever, but he had an affair. It wasn't sexual but they have kissed and he confides in her. I am really struggling with this and I want to save my marriage. I asked him if he would stop seeing this woman and go to counseling with me. He said he couldn't answer that in 5 seconds. He's not sure how he feels about her.  I feel like my heart is breaking. He is deciding if he wants to save the marriage. I want to save it. We were doing great up until about a month ago. I can even remember when he told me that an old friend from elementary school had gotten back in contact. I asked guy or girl. When he said girl, I felt a pang. But I wasn't going to tell him he couldn't talk to her. I wish now that I had. 

I believe with counseling, we can get past this. He completely shattered me. I waited so long for him. We were together nearly 3 years before our wedding day. He has agreed that if he decides to save the marriage, he will go into counseling with me. The realization that he didn't want kids was killing him because he knew it would break my heart. I told him I wanted him more. He said that the hardest part would be that he had to let me go because he cheated on me. He wanted me to find someone who would treat me right to marry and have kids with. I'll be 34 next Friday. What are the chances that I will find that kind of love again? I waited 29 years for him! 

The last few nights, it's almost like I have my husband back. He's been loving and attentive and held me as I cried over all this. I love him so incredibly much. My heart is just breaking right now. Any advice would be well received, please. I was reading other posts last night on this same subject.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

"Kiss" is cheater-speak for "sex." Sorry, for being so blunt, but you will need to brace yourself for that reality. 

He's making excuses for why he lied to you. The subject of children is a convenient excuse. If he was an honest and upfront man, he would have told you from the get-go and taken responsibility for leading you on. Like a responsible _adult_, not like a fibbing child. 

Your odds of finding a better relationship with another man at 34 are _astronomically_ high. Especially if you don't have kids of your own. I know you're still enamored with him, but he cheated on you one year into the marriage. _Only one year in_. You should still be in the honeymoon phase of your relationship, and yet he is pursuing relationships with other women? Shattered319, I think you should _really_ consider divorce.

His talk of letting you go makes me suspect that he doesn't want to continue the relationship with you.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Jibril said:


> "Kiss" is cheater-speak for "sex." Sorry, for being so blunt, but you will need to brace yourself for that reality.
> 
> He's making excuses for why he lied to you. The subject of children is a convenient excuse. If he was an honest and upfront man, he would have told you from the get-go and taken responsibility for leading you on. Like a responsible _adult_, not like a fibbing child.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## shattered319 (Jul 30, 2012)

Thanks Jibril. Yeah it was blunt but needed. I'm just devastated. I was in abusive relationships for years before him. He was the first guy to never abuse me. This just hit me incredibly hard. I don't know what I'm going to do. I really want to try and save it. I really do love him with every ounce of my being. I can't see life without him. If push comes to shove and there is no way it can be saved, then there will be a divorce. I just never thought this would happen to me. When I got married, it was for life.

I see you're from NYC. I love that city! :smthumbup: I've been trying to get him to go with me but he keeps balking. So I just go with my mom. I'll actually be visiting the city in October.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

This is tough stuff. His this other woman married, BF? Expose the A, make sure his family knows as well. I would bet that it was sexual as well. When you find out about the affair in most cases you get trickle truth.

Have you checked his phone, computer, email, Facebook. I bet you will find out more. Is he willing to do a NC letter and never see or speak with her agian?

I know this hurts but even if you want to R with him you need to know it all. 

Sorry you are here


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## shattered319 (Jul 30, 2012)

@ Mahike, I have checked his phone, he didn't have any messages from her. He hasn't gone on Facebook in a long time and he deleted his account last night. I knew his password and never saw anything from her. If he decides he wants to save our marriage, I will ask him to do a no contact letter. That's a good idea. 
I'm sorry I'm here too. It's a place I never thought I would be. I was checking out this site last night and saw others going through the same thing so I decided I needed advice. It just breaks my heart. I love him so very much. He said no matter what happens, he cares for me and loves me. So why did he confide in someone else? I don't believe his EA has become a PA though....I don't know when that would have happened....plus she is married as well. I know that doesn't mean anything but I would like to hope that he didn't lie to me about that.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

Emotional abuse is still abuse. That he was willing to do this to you, _knowing_ your abusive past, makes him all the worse, in my opinion. 

I understand that you want to make this work. Most betrayed spouses _want_ to make it work. Sometimes, that's just not in the cards. 

I will repeat myself here, but I really, _really_ think you should pursue divorce.

As far as reconcile goes, it only works if both parties are committed to it. He should be on his hands and knees begging you for another chance, and the fact is that he's not. He's comforting you, yes, but he isn't doing a whole lot to make this up to you, as far as I can tell.

Even if he does claim to be truly committed to R, you must verify that he is being honest with you. He needs to be completey transparent with you. You should have access to his phone, emails, Facebook, etc. Everything he uses to socialize, you should be able to see. This will help you re-establish trust. Besides, you are married. There are no secrets in a marriage.

How do you know he isn't in contact with her anymore? Are you watching him? Do you have a keylogger on his computer? You should. Do you have a recorder in his car? You should. It sounds extreme, but look at it this way - he betrayed the marriage one year in. Your husband is a liar and an oathbreaker. You should be wary of the words coming from his mouth.

He needs to write his affair partner a letter of no contact, explaining that he made a terrible choice by connecting with her, that this has but huge strain on the marriage, and he will be working to fix his marriage and will no longer contact her. He *must* do this. It isn't open for discussion. If he _does_ try and argue about it, it means that he intends to maintain contact with his affair partner. Which means he wants to continue cheating. Which means divorce. 

Is his affair partner married? Does she have a boyfriend? You must, *must* tell him. I know, it sounds like a ratty thing to do. It isn't. It is an important step in reconciling, because it has a few powerful effects on your cheating spouse and the affair partner. *Note* Do NOT tell your cheating husband that you are going to expose the affair to his lover's husband. He will warn her, and she will do damage control to keep her husband from knowing the extent of the affair. 

It lets the affair partner's spouse know about the affair, which is morally right.
It puts pressure on the affair partner. She will have to face consequences for her infidelity, and will likely be too busy dealing with her angry husband to contact your husband again.
It lets know know if they're still in contact. If your husband comes back from work and is angry with you for exposing the affair to his lover's husband, then you know they're still in contact. You will also know that he is still loyal to his affair partner, since he was obviously keeping the affair a secret to keep her out of trouble.
. 

You should also expose the affair to your family, and his. They can give you support, and will (hopefully) chew him out for being a stupid, lying horn-dog.

He needs to go to counseling to find out why he needs to look for female companionship outside of his marriage. This is _wrong_, and the fact is that he consciously _chose_ and _planned_ to make his relationship with the other woman happen. And he should try and figure out why he willingly put himself in a position to hurt you, while he's there.

He should be doing most of the work, here, not you. He broke the marriage and it's on _him_ to fix it. If he isn't enthusiastic about these things, or if he outright refuses, then your marriage will never work.

And yeah, NYC is awesome. Central Park in its fall foliage, the Halloween parade, the change in food and the incoming holiday spirit make Fall a great time to visit.


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## shattered319 (Jul 30, 2012)

Jibril said:


> Emotional abuse is still abuse. That he was willing to do this to you, _knowing_ your abusive past, makes him all the worse, in my opinion.
> 
> I understand that you want to make this work. Most betrayed spouses _want_ to make it work. Sometimes, that's just not in the cards.
> 
> ...


Jibral, that letter is a fantastic idea. He does seem to want to save it so I have hope. We are going out of town this weekend and I'm looking forward to that. He already knows he's going to have to come clean to others for this. We've discussed it and talked about what his family's reaction will be. Disappointment to be sure. I'm just so very sad. I know his passwords so I had been able to check Facebook but I hadn't thought about email. He recently deleted his Facebook page because he hadn't gone on it in months. I haven't told my mom yet about the affair. Will let her know if the marriage can't be saved. She knows there are problems and I let her know about his view on kids this morning. She was PISSED  at him for that. God knows what she'll do when she finds out the rest. 

The other woman is married as well but seeing as I don't know her name, I have no way to let the husband know. I did confront my husband with a receipt I found a few days ago when washing his jeans. It was for a chain restaurant, one we have close by but he went to one 30 minutes away, because that's where she lives. I'm just so very torn up about this. Can't understand how it went so wrong so fast.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> The subject of children is a convenient excuse.


How convenient he discovered he didn't want children right after getting involved with this MOW. I'm not even sure it really truth to be honest. When the are involved in an affair I get every word out of their mouths with a grain of salt.
You deserved better. Don't beg, don't be clingy, detach, think hard about want YOU want, about what you deserve.
Cheating is abusive. People get screwed up - ever lasting effects - from this.
Cheating righ in the middle of the honeymoon phase is a very bad news. The odds he will repeat this behavior in the future even if he stops now are very high. Adult people rarely change. It's a fact.
With no kidds and a short marriage I'd think very seriously in divorcing his sorry ass. He's not the man he portrayed him to be.

And for heaven's sake expose this to the other husband. It's the right thing to do. Do it out of empathy. It's not fair he's the only one here in the dark, unable to make well based decisions in his own. Don't tell your WH you are going to do it. Gather some evidence to support the exposure, otherwise you will painted as a nut case tryng to stir the pot for no reason. BH will be gaslighted, fooled.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

How did he meet this woman, how did they get back in touch? And insist he tells you who it is! You need to know who so you know which person is the danger to your marriage.

It is an odd coincidence he deleted his Facebook account right now. He rarely goes on it, why delete it now? 

Anyone? Is it possible to reactivate a Facebook account and find deleted messages? 

I would definitely agree with above posts. Detach, and prepare. Prepare yourself for it being worse than u have been told, prepare grounds for snooping to see how he is in contact, when, and so on. There are some really good ways to find out in some good posts on here. VAR's, phone bills, definitely look into Facebook, and definitley email...get a keylogger. Whatever you do don't let him know what you are up to as he will get sneakier if he is still up to anything. Use all available to you to find out if what he says really is the truth.


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