# need your advice please..



## rob1984 (Nov 11, 2012)

okay, so i've known my wife for 7 years now and married for a few, we had our difficulties and she has warned me about them in the past. Mostly about intimacy simple making out. I had my mind elsewhere, thinking about our future, house and to improve our income and not on the relationship. I'm the kind of person that trusts people very easily, not sure if that's a good thing or not. and long story short i feel he took advantage of her unhappiness and invited her over,flirted with him at work and it led to this as well, and she knew what she was doing ,i knew she was going but I'm not one to control anyone and trusted her, she was seeing a friend. Well she ended up making out with him and he made it to second base. She is very regretful now and i know she wishes she had not done it. I know i still love her and want to make it work but its hard to look at someone that you trusted through out your marriage. I suggested a break from each other, even maybe see other people and see if we come back to each other. I feel if i let this slide, it shows that i am a weak person and it was basically a free pass to do it again. We have no kids and not much tied up regarding finances.. what do you think would be the best way to preserve this?


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Definietly not seeing other people. 

Second base? The golden rule here is they always have done more than they admit. You need to question this more. A polygraph is a good idea.

They can no longer work together. What are you doing to make sure this isn't on going?


----------



## rob1984 (Nov 11, 2012)

she admitted just making out till i got more out, but i do believe her, she tells me things right away and is honest, she told me 10 minutes after it happened on the phone and i came to get her.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

rob1984 said:


> we had our difficulties and she has warned me about them in the past. Mostly about intimacy simple making out.


Do you mean that she's made out with other guys before and warned you that it was a possibility in the future?

I'm afraid you haven't heard the whole truth. Not by a long shot. You say it happened one time. How do you know?

How did you discover the 'second base' episode?


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

rob1984 said:


> she admitted just making out till i got more out, but i do believe her, she tells me things right away and is honest, she told me 10 minutes after it happened on the phone and i came to get her.


You went to the guy's house to get her? What did he say? What was he doing?

She may be honest but are you gullible?


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

First, how does seeing other people strengthen or help your marriage? Was this your idea? This can only hurt, IMO.

Second, Chap is correct. She admitted to kissing and 'second base'. She copped to that because its a lesser charge than a bj.

You really don't know what she did, do you?


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

rob1984 said:


> she admitted just making out till i got more out, but i do believe her, she tells me things right away and is honest, she told me 10 minutes after it happened on the phone and i came to get her.


"tells me things right away and is honest"

"admitted just making out till I got more out"

She told you a "little" right away and was not totally honest until you pushed it. If she follows the standard cheater script, she is providing you with trickle truth. Giving you a little more truth each time, justifying what she is doing by "not wanting to hurt you with the entire truth", afraid of what you will do if the whole truth is exposed.

She may be telling the truth now, but can you be sure? After all you trusted her to be faithful and look what that got you.

Has she answered detailed questions about the encounter?

Keep asking over a period of time. If she is still lying, she will slip up eventually.

How to fix it? Get and read "Not just friends" and "Women's Infidelity". Have her read them too. Tell her she has to be totally honest about everything for reconciliation to work.

Bottom line is that, even if she was unhappy in the marriage, cheating is not justified. She could have said she wanted a divorce if your future plans did not match.

The big question is - Can you ever trust her again?

Oh - do not fear being labeled "controlling" you knew what she was doing was wrong and dangerous to your marriage - you should have stopped it.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

rob1984 said:


> *she admitted just making out till i got more out*, but i do believe her, she tells me things right away and is honest, she told me 10 minutes after it happened on the phone and i came to get her.


Ninth-graders may stop at second base, adults go all the way. The only way you'll ever know the truth is to ask for a polygraph, and maybe not even then. If she is truly sorry and wants to prove that she didn't go any further, she will be willing to get a polygraph.

You're young, no kids, no complicated finances, and she already cheated on you. It is an extremely difficult thing to get over, to stop thinking about, and to learn to fully trust again. I don't believe you ever fully recover from it. No matter how long your marriage lasts, you always will remember it. Add to that - she confessed to you with a lie about only making out, then told another lie (which you currently naively believe is the truth) that she only let him "get to second base."

Why did you have to go to other man's house to pick her up? Was she too drunk to drive? Did you actually drop her off there yourself? How did she get there?

Put aside your pre-conceived notion of her great honesty. She's been dishonest for a while now - not just the supposed making out and feeling up it really was probably sex, but the whole weeks and months leading up to it, she has been dishonest. She knew what this guy was saying to her before she went to his house, she knew what was going to happen there. What in the past has she been so honest about that would make you believe her now?

If you are going to reconcile with her, will you feel comfortable with her working with the other man? Will you ask her to find a new job?


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Ninth-graders may stop at second base, adults go all the way. The only way you'll ever know the truth is to ask for a polygraph, and maybe not even then. If she is truly sorry and wants to prove that she didn't go any further, she will be willing to get a polygraph.
> 
> You're young, no kids, no complicated finances, and she already cheated on you. It is an extremely difficult thing to get over, to stop thinking about, and to learn to fully trust again. I don't believe you ever fully recover from it. No matter how long your marriage lasts, you always will remember it. Add to that - she confessed to you with a lie about only making out, then told another lie (which you currently naively believe is the truth) that she only let him "get to second base."
> 
> ...


She is having a workplace affair tell her you believe her but want her to take a polygraph test just to ease your mind.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

some BS are just delusional and in denial..i would be surprised if this was the first time


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

rob1984 said:


> she admitted just making out till i got more out, but i do believe her, she tells me things right away and is honest, *she told me 10 minutes after it happened on the phone and i came to get her*.


You just made yourself the ultimate beta in her eyes.


----------



## rob1984 (Nov 11, 2012)

No,I believe her that it happened once only because how the relationship was before, she never leaves the house and even told me she was going to a guy friends house from work and ibhad no issue as I do not believe in controlling people, anyways now I made some ultimatum and if not fulfilled its over, she depends on me so much and I know she made a mistake but at the same time it's hard to stomach. Onlybtime will tell


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

What is 2nd base? Is it sex? or less? 

Anyway, she seems to me to have been honest with you, regardless of what above posters say. When there is dishonesty it is like removing blood from a stone, like interrogation, like a pain in the head that won't go away with their avoidance, anger, defensiveness. Now I am not saying she is not minimizing, but it is less likely. She may well have gone further, is actually quite likely, but due to her honest reactions then all you need to do is push her on this point to deduce the truth or not.

Going forward? That is up to you. But if you go forward WITH her then it is time you started doing some reading on how a marriage is supposed to be, how a man is supposed to be in the marriage. It is time for you to man up! What kind of husband is happy for his wife to go off for the evening to a male 'friend's' home? That is not right in almost all cases... and it is not right in this case. You both need to get your boundaries in place. 

And you need to stop being that person you are that is so wimpy nice guy...the one that said:
" i knew she was going but I'm not one to control anyone and trusted her, she was seeing a friend. " ......you did you and your wife no favours at all by having this attitude. As you have come to find out. Sadly. And I do feel bad for you. Because good guys don't deserve this, and you sound like one. But your 'good guy' attitude is not in balance and has swung too far to the doormat end of the scale. Sorry.

I have heard it being rattled off many times here that this book is a life changing read for men, more so for good guys, and even more so again for those verging on the doormat kind. It is called Married Man's Sex Life (or something like that), it is not a sex manual but a guide on how to be the man that your wife needs. It is a guide for all men who want to be the best husband for their wife...for manliness, attraction, dominance, submission, sensitivity, all round. And it counters against the ridiculous hemogenisation of the sexes that is in today's feminised western culture. Read it! 

I hope I have given an accurate description of a book I have never read! This is what I gather from what other posters have said and from reading the online blog that is written by the author. Good luck.


----------



## rob1984 (Nov 11, 2012)

No sex, just make out


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

rob1984 said:


> No,I believe her that it happened once only because how the relationship was before, she never leaves the house and even *told me she was going to a guy friends house from work and ibhad no issue as I do not believe in controlling people*, anyways now I made some ultimatum and if not fulfilled its over, she depends on me so much and I know she made a mistake but at the same time it's hard to stomach. Onlybtime will tell


Play with fire and you'll get burned.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

rob1984 said:


> No sex, just make out


Dude, she went to his house and they only stopped at making out? 

:sleeping:


----------



## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

I have the same advice for everyone who is cheated on (at any level) if you have no kids.

FILE!

Just get away. It's not worth trying to fix. You may never know what actually happened, but you can be sure you don't know the truth.

GET OUT NOW.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

rob1984 said:


> No sex, just make out


Thanks for the clarification Rob  But.....what is the definition of making out? is that touching up? under clothes? Oral? Or just snogging and feeling outside of clothes?

We don't have bases here! Or making out! haha


----------



## rob1984 (Nov 11, 2012)

she has always been honest with me, warned me about intimacy issues, if she shopped and i said dont spend money and she did, she never hid it and maned up. She is a trusting person, I believe she wanted to be his friend and nothing more, well he had other priorities, he kept feeding her wine ( very light weight ) and he made the move, and she admitted to kissing back, but then stopped it. So yes i do believe her, today all she did was show remorse, like i have never seen before. I know people say to leave but its not that easy, i still love her, I gave her some things to work on, if changes do not occur then it may be over.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

rob1984 said:


> she has always been honest with me, warned me about intimacy issues, if she shopped and i said dont spend money and she did, she never hid it and maned up. She is a trusting person, I believe she wanted to be his friend and nothing more, well he had other priorities, he kept feeding her wine ( very light weight ) and he made the move, and she admitted to kissing back, but then stopped it. So yes i do believe her, today all she did was show remorse, like i have never seen before. I know people say to leave but its not that easy, i still love her, I gave her some things to work on, if changes do not occur then it may be over.


All those details came out of her mouth right? The mouth she kissed the other man with? I wouldn't trust anything she says without verifying first.


----------



## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

You sound young (under 35), you have no kids, you say you love her, and she seems to be remorseful, I say it's a coin toss. If you want to make it work, give it a shot, maybe give yourself 6 months to work on both of your issues, intimacy, etc, and then re-evaluate from there. If you don't think you can do it, start making plans to move on.

Here's what you need to try to imagine, and you can explain this to her too. If you were jogging and a dog ran out of nowhere and bit you, you would, from this day forward, always be leery of dogs when you're jogging. The same holds true with this, from here on out, you're always going to think twice about her whereabouts and with whom. Those feelings, of course, will fade over time (years), but they may never fade away completely.

T


----------



## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Rob, this is a defining moment in your relationship. I would ask her to leave and do no contact. Start the 180 and moving on with your life. Be prepared to end it. If she does not learn from this, it will happen again. Read other post where they were soft the first time and regret it.

Be sure this is what you want too. You may want to file D and cancel later if you can work it out. Be serious and be strong.


----------



## rob1984 (Nov 11, 2012)

Thanks for the advice, I have not really been that easy I don't really let her touch me, she hugs me when she can but I do not nothing,I'm showing her life without me and what that could be,incase we do break up its a lesson learned for her. I do feel partially responsible as I had other priorities than my marriage, but still it should never have happened time will tell if this will go on or not it's 50/50 at the moment.


----------



## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

rob1984 said:


> Thanks for the advice, I have not really been that easy I don't really let her touch me, she hugs me when she can but I do not nothing,I'm showing her life without me and what that could be,incase we do break up its a lesson learned for her. I do feel partially responsible as I had other priorities than my marriage, but still it should never have happened time will tell if this will go on or not it's 50/50 at the moment.


Read the devestated dad thread. Do not make the same mistake. You have to be firm and in control. You can fix yourself after you get control. Admitting you need to work on things will help her justify and not change.

Keep showing life wihout you and start moving that way. She will not be able to chase OM if she is chasing you.

She need to send a no contact letter to OM and she can never see him again. Do not play around. Be tough and be strong. Do not forgive until you are in control and you feel good. Work on yourself too.


----------



## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I'll be honest, I don't think it matters how far they got. Sexual contact is sexual contact. 

Please read through the newbies threads at the top of this forum. Start working on you.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What I find concerning is your wife is doing nothing to affair proof her marriage. There are feelings with this co worker and for her to continue working with this guy is playing with fire.

Your wife sees the pain you are in and may not want to put you through this again, but in the same breath she (at some level) kissed the coworker back, and every time she goes to work those feeling will/could come back. It may be very conflicting for your wife and it might be taxing for her and strain her honesty with you.

In short, the possiblity in being dishonest with you to avoid hurting again may out weigh the attraction she has for this co worker.

Sure this is an assumption on my part, but it is not worth risking your marriage by letting her keep working with this guy.

Take the finacial hit, let her deal with the consequence of quiting her job and save this marriage.


----------

