# Coolidge Effect/Allowing a Mistress



## blisseskisses (Feb 19, 2012)

Coolidge effect - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Maybe this is the wrong place to be posting this question. However, I have been toying with the idea of turning a blind eye towards my husband having an affair/one night stands. Sometimes I feel that sex is just sex and it is not worth throwing away a marriage. I feel as if cheating is bound to happen whether or not I agree to it. I believe that most men given the opportunity would jump at the chance.

Perhaps this comes from insecurity or just realism. I told my husband about these feelings and he agreed that sometimes he would like to have sex with different females for the variety and novelty. Is monogamy a myth? Would you ever negotiate infidelity? Finally, as a husband if your wife said go ahead and have sex with another women what would you do? Btw our sex life is great and we don't have any major martial problems.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Are you sure you aren't entertaining negotiating infidelity because its something you're interested in for yourself.Women cheat as well.Just saying.


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*Btw our sex life is great and we don't have any major martial problems.*

Two questions:

1. You don't think this COULD cause marital problems? 

2. What do YOU get out of this deal? 

Ok, 3! Are you allowed the same opportunities? Sounds like you don't really think of it that way...but its got to be fair. He wouldn't mind if you did other guys? See...that's where I think it gets f'd up. I don't want my H to not care if I do other guys, and I certainly don't want him to do other women. ESPECIALLY if our sex life is great! That's just me tho.

Your marriage is great, your sex life is great...he gets to go DO whoever he wants...what do YOU get? Eventually, I think you will do something that he disagrees with and you will then use this as a bargaining chip.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

That is a very depressing way to live your life. Why be married in the first place then? you might as well cohabit in a casual open relationship. 

If my wife ever told me that she would be fine with me sleeping with other women I would lose all respect I have for her. That's not someone who shares my values let alone is worth being married to. I don't think I can ever tell the woman I love that I would like have sex with other women ,for _any reason whatsoever_. She should be the only woman in my life.


----------



## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

blisses,
No way would I ever consider sleeping with another woman while married. This is even after my wife has cheated on me. Marriage is between 2 people. If your husband wants that lifestyle, than he does not want to be married. Such a person desires to be single. Think of it this way. If you met your husband before you were married and he was a single man, that would make you one of his "flock of birds" that he keeps. So when it's your turn, you can get a piece of the action. After that, you can get back in line while the other women have their turn. Is that what you want for yourself as a wife? If so, then you need to take steps to improve your self-esteem. Short answer is no other parties involved in marriage.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

blisseskisses said:


> Coolidge effect - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
> 
> Maybe this is the wrong place to be posting this question. However, I have been toying with the idea of turning a blind eye towards my husband having an affair/one night stands. Sometimes I feel that sex is just sex and it is not worth throwing away a marriage. I feel as if cheating is bound to happen whether or not I agree to it. I believe that most men given the opportunity would jump at the chance.


Sadly I think you may be right, I think the younger the man the more chance of this though.
I used to be the man that jumped at the chance but I`m not now.



> Is monogamy a myth?


It exists.
It`s difficult and not for everyone but it exists.



> Would you ever negotiate infidelity?


Infidelity can`t be negotiated.
Once the possibility of sex with others is discussed agreed to and acted upon it`s no longer infidelity.
Infidelity is a betrayal by my definition.
You haven`t betrayed a person who has agreed to the situation.



> Finally, as a husband if your wife said go ahead and have sex with another women what would you do?


As a man whose wife has said she`d like to bring a woman to bed with us I can tell you I declined.

Don`t need the complications in my relationship.


----------



## blisseskisses (Feb 19, 2012)

Just for the record, this is not some lame form of manipulation. I do not wish to cheat. Rather, I view it as giving permission fulfill his male biological urge. What I get out of it? Is tricky to explain. I feel it has to do with gaining pleasure from his pleasure. Perhaps, it has to do with male dominance. I feel by allowing him to have other women I am bolstering his masculinity, authority, and potency. Above all, I think if you read these threads, see married men behaving badly, read stats, and hang out in the 'burbs often enough, you start to think allowing infidelity is not so irrational after all. Oh and YES women cheat too! I am not man hating.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Actually - several years ago when my wife was going through some medical problems that made sex very uncomfortable - she told me that she would understand if I found someone as a "f##k buddy".

Just not to tell her about the other person and don't leave the marriage.

I was dumbfounded that she thought I was capable of doing that and I told her so. 

Turns out, some idiot friend of hers had the same view of men as you.

In 39 years together I have not cheated. Plenty of chances - even had one very beautiful young girl come up to me at a conference I was attending who said "I am horny, can you help me with that?".

Maybe I am in the minority but when I took my marriage vows, I meant every word.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The big majority of people do not cheat though it may seem like it and real numbers are hard to come by.

The risk you run however is hanging on to some one in an open marriage. You are there every day with all the faults,responsibilities and stresses of every day life. His fantasy partners will not be carrying any baggage, just that intoxicating rush he will sooner or later think is love. That's when he will kiss your a$$ good bye.


----------



## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Your husband has two hands to help fulfill his biological urges when you are not around or unavailable sexually for what ever reason.

Just saying...


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Open marriages do not have a great track record. They start out with rules which end up being broken and leading to betrayal of trust. Once the genie is out of the bottle, it is almost impossible to put it back in.


----------



## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Humans are meant to pair-bond. The more you bond with your spouse, the less you are swayed by the Coolidge Effect. Also, when you have sex with someone else, you bond with them and you decrease your ability to bond with your spouse. Extramarital sex leads to decreased satisfaction with your spouse.

Humans are not hamsters.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It seems you have one problem in the marriage.

The only concern I would have in an open marriage is the possiblity that the ONS turns into an EA. In my case I really didn't give a damb but after 13 years I had enough. It just took to much out of the marriage and the whole dymanic of the family.

Face it this kind of crap is fun and what would you rather do, go screw for the night of come home and pay some bills. 

This is just one analogy, but there are a lot of thing that get neglected and the dynamic of the marriage will suffer. Ive been there and I finaly told my wife enough was enough and we need to look at having a healthy marriage not one of convienence.

Don't get me wrong I had a great time for 13 years will my wife had her boytoys, but it just wears on the marriage and the family. It gets so easy to turn to things that make us happy and turn a way from the tough things that should be address, like cutting the lawn or pulling weed in the garden. 

I know for a fact that at the end of the day its just ends up to enable unhealthy behaviors.....In my wifes case at least it just snowballed into a dangerous life style that I had to correct for her.


Don't get me wrong folks can have boundries and an open marrage can work for a certain length of time but my wifes boundries only worked for so long.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You have no marriage.

Your vows are void. He voided them.

Respect yourself and see this is no way to live.

You are just scared of change.


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

blisseskisses said:


> Coolidge effect - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
> 
> Maybe this is the wrong place to be posting this question. However, I have been toying with the idea of turning a blind eye towards my husband having an affair/one night stands. Sometimes I feel that sex is just sex and it is not worth throwing away a marriage. I feel as if cheating is bound to happen whether or not I agree to it. I believe that most men given the opportunity would jump at the chance.
> 
> Perhaps this comes from insecurity or just realism. I told my husband about these feelings and he agreed that sometimes he would like to have sex with different females for the variety and novelty. Is monogamy a myth? Would you ever negotiate infidelity? Finally, as a husband if your wife said go ahead and have sex with another women what would you do? Btw our sex life is great and we don't have any major martial problems.


This sounds an awful lot like the way I conducted myself when I was single...IMO, being married means giving up the whole idea of having sex with novel partners....and that's why I didn't marry too early in life. Got it out of my system, so to speak.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

that_girl said:


> You have no marriage.
> 
> Your vows are void. He voided them.
> 
> ...


I don't think she said he has been cheating yet.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It sound like OP's H is currently in an affair


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Or she's a cuckquean.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

So does that make him a 'hothusband'? :rofl:


----------



## blisseskisses (Feb 19, 2012)

Complexity said:


> Or she's a cuckqueen.


Cuckqueen no. Masochist maybe. Realist definitely. I will admit I have a confirmation bias that states monogamy is extremely rare/unnatural. Maybe, I should reevaluate my preconceived notions. First step, not reading hundred's of infidelity stories here on the Talk About Marriage.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

blisseskisses said:


> Maybe, I should reevaluate my preconceived notions. First step, not reading hundred's of infidelity stories here on the Talk About Marriage.


They are cautionary tales that would serve you well to learn from.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

morituri said:


> So does that make him a 'hothusband'? :rofl:


Don't know what it makes him to be honest.




blisseskisses said:


> Cuckqueen no.Masochist maybe. Realist definitely. I will admit I have a confirmation bias that states monogamy is extremely rare/unnatural. Maybe, I should reevaluate my preconceived notions. First step, not reading hundred's of infidelity stories here on the Talk About Marriage.


Monogamy isn't pre-wired in us, we "forsake all others" to those we truly love. It's the easiest thing to do in the world if your significant other actually means something to you or if you have an ounce of integrity. 

It's kind of depressing though that you would gain pleasure if your husband did that to you. Even if I knew you'd gain pleasure from it I could never disrespect you in that manner. I actually can't fathom how he would go ahead with the act knowing that this whole thing is so......wrong. Instead of feeding your fetish a loving husband would seek to address the underlying problems that led you to this thinking. Or maybe I'd constantly reassure you that I can never cheat on you regardless of what statistics or whatever mumbojumbo says. I'd certainly not tell you I'd like to sleep with other women. But who knows, I guess some people just like to be treated that way.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

You just gave him permission to cheat because of these so-called biological urges? We are sentient beings and we are able to make concious decisions beyond instinct. We are the only species on this planet that are able to conciously control the number of offspring we have. 

But it's all well and good until he falls in love and leaves you for another woman. Then you will probably be reconsidering your actions and regret not doing more to protect your marriage.

Monogamy may not be wired into us, it's a choice, and its our ability to make choices that separates us from the animals.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Go ahead and give him permission to shop for his new and smarter wife right in front of you.

I'll tell you this, she'll be smart enough to not allow him to cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## blisseskisses (Feb 19, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Go ahead and give him permission to shop for his new and smarter wife right in front of you.
> 
> I'll tell you this, she'll be smart enough to not allow him to cheat.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How daring of you to say! Haha I like your frank reply.

To Lord Mayhem, 

I think our choices can separate us from the animals but when I look around I still see animals. You say we are sentient beings. I too believe we are conscious but not always aware. 

I mostly agree with what you wrote. I wrote on this forum to play devils advocate and get out of my echo chamber for a bit. It has been nice to see the flip side


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

He made a choice to be monogamous. He made a vow that he would forsake all others, did he not?

I've had plenty of opportunities to cheat many times over. Never did.


----------



## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

blisseskisses said:


> Coolidge effect - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
> 
> Maybe this is the wrong place to be posting this question. However, I have been toying with the idea of turning a blind eye towards my husband having an affair/one night stands. Sometimes I feel that sex is just sex and it is not worth throwing away a marriage. I feel as if cheating is bound to happen whether or not I agree to it. I believe that most men given the opportunity would jump at the chance.
> 
> Perhaps this comes from insecurity or just realism. I told my husband about these feelings and he agreed that sometimes he would like to have sex with different females for the variety and novelty. Is monogamy a myth? Would you ever negotiate infidelity? Finally, as a husband if your wife said go ahead and have sex with another women what would you do? Btw our sex life is great and we don't have any major martial problems.


Being married takes work, every day. Good marriages are good because both spouses work on the marriage every day. Allowing your husband to cheat because sex is just sex and it's not worth throwing the marriage away - that's you contemplating to continue to not work on your marriage and allowing your husband do to the same. 
I don't know if we are wired to cheat but I believe that the biological urge you are talking about is just that, an urge. It's not an uncontrollable force that blindly leads your husband into sleeping around. 
Your sexlife might be great - how about your lovelife?


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> Being married takes work, every day. Good marriages are good because both spouses work on the marriage every day. Allowing your husband to cheat because sex is just sex and it's not worth throwing the marriage away - that's you contemplating to continue to not work on your marriage and allowing your husband do to the same.


:iagree:

Not my style to introduce religious quotes but I thought that Matthew 6:24 very appropriate for this situation.



> *"No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other.."*


----------



## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

the guy said:


> It seems you have one problem in the marriage.
> 
> The only concern I would have in an open marriage is the possiblity that the ONS turns into an EA. In my case I really didn't give a damb but after 13 years I had enough. It just took to much out of the marriage and the whole dymanic of the family.
> 
> ...


This is where I'm at, at this point. But my WW made the decision for me by gaslighting me for 15 years or so and doing whatever she wanted, while I remained faithful.

So while we remain married and really don't have an intentions of D, I'll do what I need to in order to return to the place I mentally was once at.

She fully understands this however and though she isn't interested in me debriefing her on a weekly basis, if she were to ask any questions I'd respond "of course I fvcked her" as I continued to eat Nilla Wafers and watch TV. 

No secrets really. Wife took 15 years and a number of men to confirm I was the guy she wanted to be with. I guess I'm just starting to explore whether or not she is the woman I want to be with.

This mess of course is also why dating hardly anyone is a really bad idea, as well as getting married young. People need to figure themselves out first, and then figure out what they want. I just started to accomplish the first part of that and I'm in my 30s, so I'm a little late to the game. But I'm learning quickly :smthumbup:


----------



## AE86freak (Feb 24, 2012)

Personally, I am a sucker for love so getting intimate with someone other than my wife would screw me over big time! But Lots of men aren't like me, they can screw a women and just think of her as a piece of a$$. In my culture (Jamacian), lots of women have this attitude. They say "let a man be a man" or "I don't care, just as long as he doesn't bring anything back to my bed" (which means sleeping with a mistress in their bed or catching an std and passing it on to her). I think that this kind of thinking is destroying the true meaning of marriage.


----------



## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Hello,

Inside relationships mounting evidence suggests that there are several options which are viable. Each of them presents a different set of challenges.

- monogamy
- open relationship
- swinging with it's different forms

The male sexual instinct is geared towards inseminating as many women as possible. In the case of a monogamous relationship both men and women suppress those desires. As both partners naturally have curiosities about others.

Whichever path you may choose for yourselves please keep in mind that it is far better than cheating. It involves honesty and it has it's challenges to be approached in a balanced fashion. 

I suggest you get informed and initiate an open honest and cooperative communication.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

I completely disagree with those that say humans aren't hard-wired to pair bond. If monogamy wasn't a positive survival characteristic, it would never have been invented or become the main type of human relationship that it is. Humans aren't apes or herd animals. We separated from the actions of our primate relatives many 100,000' s of years ago. Human pair-bonding predates religion, so it stands to reason that there are very good reasons for it. Infant care, genetic diversity, to name a couple. The proof of the efficiency of human pair-bonding is that we are the most diverse and most numerous single species of mammal on earth.


----------



## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

Badblood said:


> I completely disagree with those that say humans aren't hard-wired to pair bond. If monogamy wasn't a positive survival characteristic, it would never have been invented or become the main type of human relationship that it is. Humans aren't apes or herd animals. We separated from the actions of our primate relatives many 100,000' s of years ago. Human pair-bonding predates religion, so it stands to reason that there are very good reasons for it. Infant care, genetic diversity, to name a couple. The proof of the efficiency of human pair-bonding is that we are the most diverse and most numerous single species of mammal on earth.


Statistics suggest otherwise, unfortunately. Nothing to confirm, but it's thought that the infidelity rate is more realistically around 80%, where [at least] one of two in a marriage will step out.

I think it's only our intelligence that keeps us from stepping out. Do you wander why a pretty woman or cute guy that walks by brings on a euphoric feeling? That is one's crotch alerting the brain that it should be go time.


----------



## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

I feel like there are two concepts being explored here. I don't disagree that pair-bonding is almost exclusively practiced, but then again isn't an affair also pair-bonding? Any time two people pair off, even if one of them has a spouse at home.

All I was suggesting was that it is natural to be turned on by someone other than your spouse because that is how we are hardwired. If married guy was minding his own business and a victoria's secret model came on to him, I think it would be considered peculiar if said man was NOT turned on.


----------



## mr.miketastic (Aug 5, 2010)

I think I understand where the OP is coming from. The CWI portion of these forums may not be the best place to ask a question about extra-marital activities though. I think what makes a marriage is what both partners (that's not gender exclusive) are willing to compromise on. I think if one or the other is perfectly Ok with having the higher-drive partner have an occasional fling, then who are we to judge? Frankly, the cheating thing is almost always done behind the back of the loyal partner, so most of that equation is not just physical (EA's anyone?).

If it turns you both on, you are both OK with it and have a strong understanding that it's all physical between consenting adults, and it's your private business an it harm none then that could be something that works for you.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

chapparal said:


> The big majority of people do not cheat though it may seem like it and real numbers are hard to come by.


I`d disagree with that statement chapparal.
The latest surveys of both men and women put cheating at about 60-70% of the population.

My personal experience puts it at about 80-90%

Faithfulness is the exception not the rule.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I`d disagree with that statement chapparal.
> The latest surveys of both men and women put cheating at about 60-70% of the population.
> 
> My personal experience puts it at about 80-90%
> ...


The last study I saw said about 30% men and 15% women. I have never heard suchhigh numbers as 80%, where did you find that. The worse number I ever saw was that about 70% would cheat if they knew they would not get caught.

I think all the studies are wrong to a certain extent. It seems like if the number of men is so much more than women, the women who do cheat are handling a lot more men cheaters. I believe there are equal numbers of men and women cheaters.


----------



## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

lovestruckout said:


> Statistics suggest otherwise, unfortunately. Nothing to confirm, but it's thought that the infidelity rate is more realistically around 80%, where [at least] one of two in a marriage will step out.
> 
> I think it's only our intelligence that keeps us from stepping out. Do you wander why a pretty woman or cute guy that walks by brings on a euphoric feeling? That is one's crotch alerting the brain that it should be go time.


Statistics can be made to say anything you want them to say. The proof is that pair-bonding is far and away the most common human relationship by many millions (even billions) of times. Poly relationships are a far, far, distant second.


----------

