# My wife left me a couple weeks ago



## pj1539 (Apr 2, 2020)

I noticed the distancing between my wife and I over the past several months and decided to give her space as I felt she was upset with me. When she starting ignoring me most of the time over the past two months I questioned her about it and she told me everything was fine so I let it be for a few weeks. After things did not improve I questioned her again. I asked if she still loved me and I received the classic I love you but not in love with you line and told me she was unhappy with our marriage and her job. She then told me she had a job offer in another state and left, leaving all of her things at our house. I was devastated. I responded poorly the first few days by begging and crying and yelling. Since then I have calmed down and have done a lot of self reflection. I realize that I did not attend to her emotional needs, I did not support her with her job or her feelings, I focused on my job far too much, and I did not provide her with romance and only friendship. After a year of battling this fight on her own she could not take it anymore and began making her escape plans without telling me. We have been speaking on the phone and texting on a daily basis since this happened a couple weeks ago, they have been civil conversations. Sometimes she has reached out to me, other times I have reached out to her. Mostly the conversations have been casual, but we have also spoken about what led to our separation and I have been honest about my strong feelings for her and a desire for reconciliation. She seems fairly certain that this will end in divorce. She told me she still wants to be friends, so I am not sure if she is considering a chance to reconcile or just feels guilty about abandoning me in the fashion she did. There was no abuse in the relationship, only neglect to emotionally support each other and poor communication on both of our parts. After researching how often this situation happens in marriages, it seems like most spouses talk to each other in depth and attempt to work on the marriage, attempt to change, attempt to communicate, and go through a multi-step process before deciding on separating. My frustration is that I feel she quit on our marriage before giving a chance on communicating our issues and trying to resolve them. I feel like we are just beginning step 1 but she has already made up her mind that our marriage is over. I told her yesterday that I needed some time to myself to process my emotions and heal from the devastating blow of losing my wife before we can discuss things further. I have already made several life changes and want to do the necessary things to save my marriage and make my wife happy.


----------



## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

She has checked out.
The only possible play that you have is to do a 180 and file.
She is controlling the narrative. You need to take that advantage away from her.
All you can do now is look out for your best interests, and understand, what will be will be.


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Before you commit one way or the other, look at your cell phone bill in some detail.

Is there a phone number, long calls, etc that don't add up? Because 9 times out of 10 "I love you but not in love with you" means she is interested in someone else.

Trying to work on a relationship with a 3rd party involved isn't going to get you anything but pain.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

pj1539 said:


> I asked if she still loved me and I received the classic I love you but not in love with you line and told me she was unhappy with our marriage and her job.
> 
> *Believe her*.
> 
> ...


----------



## pj1539 (Apr 2, 2020)

Tron said:


> Before you commit one way or the other, look at your cell phone bill in some detail.
> 
> Is there a phone number, long calls, etc that don't add up? Because 9 times out of 10 "I love you but not in love with you" means she is interested in someone else.
> 
> Trying to work on a relationship with a 3rd party involved isn't going to get you anything but pain.


Thats a good point. Of course in this situation I have my suspicions. I asked her about it twice, that it was important for me to know if this had to do with another man. She assured me that it was not to do with another man, but with her dishonesty recently I still have my doubts.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Sorry about the above, this new site after reading multi quote didn't work


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

pj1539 said:


> Thats a good point. Of course in this situation I have my suspicions. I asked her about it twice, that it was important for me to know if this had to do with another man. She assured me that it was not to do with another man, but with her dishonesty recently I still have my doubts.


What does it matter now she doesn't want you.


----------



## pj1539 (Apr 2, 2020)

Tilted 1 said:


> What does it matter now she doesn't want you.


It doesn't necessarily matter, I am more concerned with our loss of connection. Its hard for me to accept that after so many years together we did not take the proper steps to discuss our issues. If we had been dating for a few months I would understand a departure without discussion and an attempt to reconcile. But marriage is a serious relationship and with that requires a commitment to talk about marital issues and try to resolve them.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

pj1539 said:


> It doesn't necessarily matter, I am more concerned with our loss of connection. Its hard for me to accept that after so many years together we did not take the proper steps to discuss our issues. If we had been dating for a few months I would understand a departure without discussion and an attempt to reconcile. But marriage is a serious relationship and with that requires a commitment to talk about marital issues and try to resolve them.


Oh please, quit being pathetic, and needy. It's not becoming and it's down right weak.


----------



## pj1539 (Apr 2, 2020)

I don't necessarily feel like I'm being pathetic or weak. I am a successful professional and a leader of many men. I'm wondering if I should try to save my marriage or not. I'm on here trying to gather information from people who have had similar experiences.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

pj1539 said:


> I don't necessarily feel like I'm being pathetic or weak. I am a successful professional and a leader of many men. I'm wondering if I should try to save my marriage or not. I'm on here trying to gather information from people who have had similar experiences.


If you think being a professional, has anything to do with wisdom, or the inability to face facts. The information you were handed was on a platter, with all the dressings. And still can't see the Forrest through the trees. 

The time has come for some reality, to soak in. But it's apparent you don't even believe her.


----------



## pj1539 (Apr 2, 2020)

I get your point Tilted 1. I have accepted the fact that my wife doesn't love me and left. I'm looking at the big picture of my life, not just the past two weeks. 25% of couples who separate get back together. 50% of people that leave their spouse regret it and wish they could get back together. She still calls me and texts me everyday. Why? If she wanted out so bad why is she still so connected to me? Why not move on with her life?


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

pj1539 said:


> I don't necessarily feel like I'm being pathetic or weak. I am a successful professional and a leader of many men. I'm wondering if I should try to save my marriage or not. I'm on here trying to gather information from people who have had similar experiences.


you might not think that you are not being pathetic or weak, but you are (regardless of how much a leader of men you are). That fact that you have not been a leader in your marriage, that you have given your wife all the power in the dynamics of your relationship, that you are the one seeking to save the marriage. those are signs of being weak.

Fact is it does't matter if you want (or are you wandering if you should save your marriage). It is not up to you. you can not make decisions if your wife doesn't want to work in the relationship. 

In my book when a partner leaves you, and you respond by doing the "pick me" dance that's weak. that is perceived by women as as a weak move that puts you below whomever they have their eyes set. it also shows that you tossed aside your pride, your self respect as a man and as an individual. That's not perceive as "leadership" by women. I'm not you but, myself, i my wife were to give me the ILYBINILWY or tells me that shes leaving me, i wouldn't care how much I love her, how much I would be hurting, I wouldn't show it. I would tell don't let the door hit you on your way out.
I would immediately get a lawyer and give her divorce papers ASAP. You need to take charge of the moment to get the best financial agreement for you while shes in the fog of her feelings for you. You must demonstrate her nonchalantly that she can be easily be replace. That would put you in a position of strength. 
Remember you must be willing to lose your marriage in order to be able to have a change to save it. Unless, she's with somebody that you don't know yet; in which case, it's over. You don't take back a cheating partner. It is better to start anew.


----------



## pj1539 (Apr 2, 2020)

Yea, you make a good point


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

pj1539 said:


> I get your point Tilted 1. I have accepted the fact that my wife doesn't love me and left. I'm looking at the big picture of my life, not just the past two weeks. 25% of couples who separate get back together. 50% of people that leave their spouse regret it and wish they could get back together. She still calls me and texts me everyday. Why? If she wanted out so bad why is she still so connected to me? Why not move on with her life?


Because she is using you as her crutch while she starts her new life, she wanted to have because she doesn't live you for you but, she's used to you boosting her confidence and helping her.

If there's any chance for an R, you've got to stop talking texting and communicating with her, and no financial support.

The good news if there's no R, and circumstances are doubtful, this same no contact will help your own mental health and start your new life.

Man, you've got to accept what's happening, or you'll end up in the nuthouse.

Its tragic and I have nothing but empathy for you but you can do it.

Let her embrace all the responsibilities that come with her new life, hardships and all.

You can't control her behavior.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

pj1539 said:


> It doesn't necessarily matter, I am more concerned with our loss of connection. Its hard for me to accept that after so many years together we did not take the proper steps to discuss our issues. If we had been dating for a few months I would understand a departure without discussion and an attempt to reconcile. But marriage is a serious relationship and with that requires a commitment to talk about marital issues and try to resolve them.


This points to her moving away with another man. Unfortunately you can't go find out during the pandemic. Afterwards, she will say that she met him in her new town, after it was already over between you. 

I'm sorry to say that it would be best to file for divorce immediately. She has left the marriage. Let her go.

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Cynthia said:


> This points to her moving away with another man. Unfortunately you can't go find out during the pandemic. Afterwards, she will say that she met him in her new town, after it was already over between you.
> 
> I'm sorry to say that it would be best to file for divorce immediately. She has left the marriage. Let her go.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


I think this is likely. However, you might also want to check and see how long it takes to establish residency in her new state for filing divorce and which state would be most advantageous for her to file in. You might find she's stalling you until she can qualify to screw you over by filing there, in which case you need to beat her to the punch.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think she stays in contact because you’re Plan B in case Plan A doesn’t work. Stop calling or texting. Move on with your life.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

pj1539 said:


> I get your point Tilted 1. I have accepted the fact that my wife doesn't love me and left. I'm looking at the big picture of my life, not just the past two weeks. 25% of couples who separate get back together. 50% of people that leave their spouse regret it and wish they could get back together. She still calls me and texts me everyday. Why? If she wanted out so bad why is she still so connected to me? Why not move on with her life?



Your plan B
She worried what this will make others think about her
Your the trusted ATM 
She knows she got you wrapped around her fingers.
You believe anything she tells you.
You'll take her back so she can screw around and eat her cake.
Likes you being the doormat.
She like yanking you around.
She will come back after the other MAN, get tired of her.
It empowers Her.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> I think this is likely. However, you might also want to check and see how long it takes to establish residency in her new state for filing divorce and which state would be most advantageous for her to file in. You might find she's stalling you until she can qualify to screw you over by filing there, in which case you need to beat her to the punch.


Good point. Either way, it's not good. It is in your best interests to file asap. If there is hope for your marriage, filing for divorce isn't going to hurt your chances. Her moving out makes and moving away makes it almost impossible for you to work through this and definitely impossible if she is unwilling to consider working through it. 

I recommend you start therapy to work through the divorce. From what you wrote here, it may help you to see things more clearly, so you don't become a doormat in future relationships or swing the other way and not be able to get close to anyone. I'm sure you want to come through this healthier rather than bitter and unable to connect with others.


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

pj1539 said:


> Thats a good point. Of course in this situation I have my suspicions. I asked her about it twice, that it was important for me to know if this had to do with another man. She assured me that it was not to do with another man, but with her dishonesty recently I still have my doubts.


This may seem quite evident, but cheaters lie...a lot. 

Especially when you are plan B. And especially if she is giving the new dude a tryout.


----------



## DTG (Mar 30, 2020)

Just make sure your at peace with yourself. Dont beat yourself up if you feel like its your fault, apologise for possible neglect if that gives you closure. Tell her you wish her happiness then move on and be at peace that youve done your bit. If she comes back repenting well you get to pick whether you take her back or move on. Make sure you have good grounded buddies to talk to to keep you sane and calm


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

pj1539 said:


> I noticed the distancing between my wife and I over the past several months and decided to give her space as I felt she was upset with me. When she starting ignoring me most of the time over the past two months I questioned her about it and she told me everything was fine so I let it be for a few weeks. After things did not improve I questioned her again. I asked if she still loved me and I received the classic I love you but not in love with you line and told me she was unhappy with our marriage and her job. She then told me she had a job offer in another state and left, leaving all of her things at our house. I was devastated. I responded poorly the first few days by begging and crying and yelling. Since then I have calmed down and have done a lot of self reflection. I realize that I did not attend to her emotional needs, I did not support her with her job or her feelings, I focused on my job far too much, and I did not provide her with romance and only friendship. After a year of battling this fight on her own she could not take it anymore and began making her escape plans without telling me. We have been speaking on the phone and texting on a daily basis since this happened a couple weeks ago, they have been civil conversations. Sometimes she has reached out to me, other times I have reached out to her. Mostly the conversations have been casual, but we have also spoken about what led to our separation and I have been honest about my strong feelings for her and a desire for reconciliation. She seems fairly certain that this will end in divorce. She told me she still wants to be friends, so I am not sure if she is considering a chance to reconcile or just feels guilty about abandoning me in the fashion she did. There was no abuse in the relationship, only neglect to emotionally support each other and poor communication on both of our parts. After researching how often this situation happens in marriages, it seems like most spouses talk to each other in depth and attempt to work on the marriage, attempt to change, attempt to communicate, and go through a multi-step process before deciding on separating. My frustration is that I feel she quit on our marriage before giving a chance on communicating our issues and trying to resolve them. I feel like we are just beginning step 1 but she has already made up her mind that our marriage is over. I told her yesterday that I needed some time to myself to process my emotions and heal from the devastating blow of losing my wife before we can discuss things further. I have already made several life changes and want to do the necessary things to save my marriage and make my wife happy.


From an historical perspective, the proverbial ILYBINILWY line preemptively means that there's a rather high probability that your STBXW is already busy spreading her loins in some venue outside of your presence!


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

pj1539 said:


> I get your point Tilted 1. I have accepted the fact that my wife doesn't love me and left. I'm looking at the big picture of my life, not just the past two weeks. 25% of couples who separate get back together. 50% of people that leave their spouse regret it and wish they could get back together. *She still calls me and texts me everyday. Why?* If she wanted out so bad why is she still so connected to me? Why not move on with her life?


To keep the divorce amicable. To get a better settlement. To make herself feel better. To look good to others i.e. "We're still friends!". To avoid any feelings of guilt. 

Take your pick. Just know that her motivations are for her benefit - not yours. Make this real for her and file for divorce. Marriage is about love and divorce is about money - don't forget it.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

@EleGirl - Please check this Post #25 out. Sounds a lot like a spammer! It's on other threads also! Thanks!


----------



## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

pj1539 said:


> It doesn't necessarily matter, I am more concerned with our loss of connection. Its hard for me to accept that after so many years together we did not take the proper steps to discuss our issues. If we had been dating for a few months I would understand a departure without discussion and an attempt to reconcile. But marriage is a serious relationship and with that requires a commitment to talk about marital issues and try to resolve them.



She went and took a job out of state without your input.
She has no commitment to you or the marriage.
If she wanted to discuss issues and reconcile, she would be in the same city as you.
As previously mentioned, ignore her and lawyer up.
You need to look out for number one. That's what she's doing (and, it ain't you.)


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

pj1539 said:


> I get your point Tilted 1. I have accepted the fact that my wife doesn't love me and left. I'm looking at the big picture of my life, not just the past two weeks. 25% of couples who separate get back together. 50% of people that leave their spouse regret it and wish they could get back together. She still calls me and texts me everyday. Why? If she wanted out so bad why is she still so connected to me? Why not move on with her life?


I don't know where you're getting your stats, but I don't believe them.
I almost never got back together after breaking up with someone, and I almost always immediately regretted it when I did. And I almost never regretted breaking up with someone.

She calls you every day because she wants a safe landing if her current lifestyle doesn't work out. You know, temporarily, like a crash pad with ATM benefits. That's all you are to her, man. And she likely thinks she's doing you a favour by keeping in touch, to boot.

Text her back one time: "You may only text me about the logistics of our separation. Any other details about our impending divorce can go to my lawyer at this phone number. Please don't bother me with anything else."


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

pj1539 said:


> I get your point Tilted 1. I have accepted the fact that my wife doesn't love me and left. I'm looking at the big picture of my life, not just the past two weeks. 25% of couples who separate get back together. 50% of people that leave their spouse regret it and wish they could get back together. She still calls me and texts me everyday. Why? If she wanted out so bad why is she still so connected to me? Why not move on with her life?


Your walk away wife is hoovering you in and keeping you as plan B. Your W is off either at a new job that may or may not work out for her and or she is with another man that may or may not work out. Either way, you are the stable one to fall back on when the bottom drops out of either. Help your walk away wife move on with her life....stop answering texts and calls.


----------



## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

My ex was surprised I didn't show a bunch of negative feelings when she told me she was leaving (no anger or sadness or whatever). The thought of all of those wasted years made me feel so tired. She didn't really know how to react and when my life didn't skip a beat during the separation, I think she underwent a bit of self reflection. That and I think she figured out that starting a new relationship in your late 30s is slightly harder than when you're in high school, LOL.

If she approaches you about reconciliation, she would have to demonstrate to YOU why that is a good idea. It can't be something like, "I lost my job in the other state and want to move back home." It would need to be significant change in feelings and perspective. 6 months into our separation my ex asked if there was any chance of reconciliation. Since when she left she told me that she was leaving basically because I was who I was, that I didn't see where it was possible because I was still me. If she really, really wanted to reconcile she would have to demonstrate to me why her top 5 reasons for leaving were wrong or how they didn't matter anymore or whatever. That was the last time we really discussed it because it entailed actual effort on her part.

I do maintain a regular communication with her. We have middle school children so that would be inevitable but we also spend more time together than this would necessitate. If we didn't have children in common, this time would be 0. If you don't have children with your ex, you should only communicate about the divorce and after it is final, nothing. My reading has indicated that the leaving woman has typically already processed the end of the relationship by the time she announces it officially and the escape plan has been in progress since before she became distant. Sometimes there is a period of intense conflict before the checkout happens and then there is a period of calm as preparations are made. This period of calm is sometimes misinterpreted as an improvement but is only the end of pain as the relationship is already dead to at least one of the participants. She's going to be far ahead of you in processing and grieving the death of the relationship. She'll probably be annoyed that you aren't there yet but in a way it is her own fault for putting off ending it until she was ready to move on.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

There was a spam post, but our fine moderators removed it before you'all could see it!


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Affaircare said:


> @EleGirl -- Can't report so 👆👆👆 See above?


I don't know what you want to report; but, see the 3 vertical dots at the top and right of the post? Click and there is a report option.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> I don't know what you want to report; but, see the 3 vertical dots at the top and right of the post? Click and there is a report option.


Maybe Ele , banished it already 😉 yay!!


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Tilted 1 said:


> Maybe Ele , banished it already 😉 yay!!


That girl is quick on the draw!


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

So NOTE TO SELF: @EleGirl did already delete the post with the spam in it, and what happened is that I reported said spammer in another thread, so when I went to report them here...it gave me an error message. So I pointed fingers! LOL


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Affaircare said:


> So NOTE TO SELF: @EleGirl did already delete the post with the spam in it, and what happened is that I reported said spammer in another thread, so when I went to report them here...it gave me an error message. So I pointed fingers! LOL


All is well that ends well.


----------



## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

pj1539 said:


> I get your point Tilted 1. I have accepted the fact that my wife doesn't love me and left. I'm looking at the big picture of my life, not just the past two weeks. 25% of couples who separate get back together. 50% of people that leave their spouse regret it and wish they could get back together. She still calls me and texts me everyday. Why? If she wanted out so bad why is she still so connected to me? Why not move on with her life?


Ignore her. 180 her azz.
Lawyer up and let him/her do the talking.


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

She moved away and left all her stuff. She had probably removed sentimental FOO things before going, but wanted a clean break from you. It takes time and planning to find a new residence and a new job in a new town. She sounds independent and self-sufficent and maybe conflict avoidant. She could have just ghosted you, but she wanted total freedom.

Y'all have different ideas on marriage and commitment. She lied about everything being ok while she was making departure plans. She no longer feels passion for you, but neither does she feel enough connection or the desire to work on the relationship. When she first began distancing she was making other plans however concrete they may have been.

She likely calls to make sure you are not going to do anything untoward since you had a meltdown initially. She feels guilty. All marriages go through low places. She bailed because she did not care enough to do otherwise.

Whether or not she is or was coveting another man (I vote yes) is rather moot because she does not want you no matter how willing to work you are. I feel bad for you. Use your strength to see the difference in your styles of living and faithfulness. Even should you reconcile your trust for the future would be weakened. I am sorry.

I am thinking that there are many missing details that might elucidate your story.


----------

