# Need advise on the next step!



## BsHs (Jan 16, 2017)

The struggle is real...
Married a wonderful man, well provider, took over fathering of my 2 children, and good friend. I don't know where to begin.... my frustration started within the first couple years of our marriage...our sex life became a major problem. He started acting uninterested. I would pursue him for sex and he would make comments early in the day about how bad he was feeling. It became a deterrent for me and I would just wait. Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months until I was beside myself with hurt, frustration, and then pissed. He would make excuses and then get angry for my not understanding the burden he was carrying for our family. Saying just enough to shut me up. We would have sex, he would promise to work on making time for us, and for a month or so I would think we were getting back on tract then the process would start over. Thru the years following I have heard..."If you would keep the house cleaner", "I don't know if I'm happy anymore", "Work is just taking up all my energy", "I don't know what's going on with me", "If you were more supportive". I have been thru every beat up session you can imagine as a woman. I'm to fat. I'm unattractive, he's having an affair, I'm not doing enough for him. Jumping thru every hoop to do what ever it is that will make him want me.
We are now in our 28th year of marriage and I feel so deeply wounded that I want to run. I don't want to give up, am I a fool?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

BsHs said:


> We are now in our 28th year of marriage and I feel so deeply wounded that I want to run. I don't want to give up, am I a fool?


Have the two of you tried therapy?


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## BsHs (Jan 16, 2017)

I have ask him. His reply is we can't afford it.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

badsanta said:


> Have the two of you tried therapy?


*And am I to take it that you two have no children of your very own that was borne into this marriage?*


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

BsHs said:


> I have ask him. His reply is we can't afford it.


If you can't afford therapy, you should be able to read some self help books that are based on couples therapy and discuss them together. You may find he is unwilling to read which could add to your frustrations. But if you read on your own and discuss topics you find relevant and share with him anything you learn, this can be helpful. 

Have you read many posts of other women in your same situation here on this forum?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Here are some books you may find helpful:

https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090/
This is a great book on better understanding female sexuality. Before you start trying to work on your husband, it is best if you have a full grasp on female sexuality as well as how it is viewed by society. This may be helpful explaining different models of sexuality that you and your husband use to understand each other and how those models may be very different from reality.


https://www.amazon.com/Passionate-Marriage-Intimacy-Committed-Relationships/dp/0393334279
This is a book that describes various types of couples and the nature of therapy and how they responded to therapy. This book talks a great deal about how personal self development is critical for both partners to maintain intimacy. 


https://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captivity-Unlocking-Erotic-Intelligence/dp/0060753641
This book describes the challenges of keeping intimacy alive in a long term marriage. It is a good read and perhaps a little more concise (less academic) than the previous book mentioned. 


Some threads here on this site that you may find helpful:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html
This thread describes your situation (as you outlines in your first post) and gathers feedback from those in similar situations. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...-helped-badsanta-fix-his-ld-hd-situation.html
This is one of my threads that discusses my own situation and what has helped. Even though the roles of gender are reversed compared to you, some if this information may be valuable.

While there is no good resource that I know of here on this sight, learning ways to argue together in more positive ways is critical. The next time you debate with your husband about sex in marriage, start by letting go of your own feelings and listen to everything he says. Try to acknowledge how he feels. THEN ask for him to help you BEFORE getting into your side of the debate. When presenting your problems to him, try not to assign fault towards him. If anything take responsibility for some of the ways that challenges make you feel, but admit you need his help in working together to improve those feelings and try to enjoy having more fun as a couple. 

Hope that helps,
Badsanta


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

BsHs said:


> We are now in our 28th year of marriage and I feel so deeply wounded that I want to run. I don't want to give up, am I a fool?


You are not a fool. You are a decent person caught in a situation that we don't educate people to address early and ruthlessly. So you tolerated what should not have been tolerated for too long and now you face tough choices. You aren't a fool to stay. You aren't a fool to leave. You would be a fool to think that after 28 years this can be resolved without conflict and pain. There is no easy path forward. Pick your regret.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Bring him on here and try to get free therapy from strangers on the internets.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Herschel said:


> Bring him on here and try to get free therapy from strangers on the internets.


Many people project their own problems and will beginning running down the list of the things the original poster has already suffered:



> "If you would keep the house cleaner", "I don't know if I'm happy anymore", "Work is just taking up all my energy", "I don't know what's going on with me", "If you were more supportive". ... I'm to fat. I'm unattractive, he's having an affair, I'm not doing enough for him. Jumping thru every hoop to do what ever...


Then the only thing missing is to threaten divorce and everyone will advocate that. In my opinion if she threatens divorce and things improve, it be out of fear or because he will finally open up since there is nothing to loose. Odds are it will be out of fear, and that is not a healthy way to improve things, BUT it can get results. 

Then there is the possibility he is trying to make it fail because he can't bring himself to ask for a divorce and wants to blame it on her. Is this what is happening? Who knows, but people will project that thinking it is going on in their own marriage. In my opinion if things are bad but he is sticking through it and occasionally trying it is just the result of life being messy and painful at no fault of anyone, they have to do the best they can and try to love/heal each other from the crap that life throws at everyone all the time. 

Otherwise he would not be:



> a wonderful man, well provider, took over fathering of my 2 children, and good friend.


If he were trying to sabotage the marriage, he would stop caring for the kids and stop being a friend to her. 

@BsHs as you begin getting help from others, be patient and understand that many trying to help are also hurting themselves and going through similar struggles. I've even seen myself give incredibly negative advice in the past when I was having a bad day.

It is best you read everything here with a grain of salt and be patient. Share with your husband what you learn and allow him to read at his own leisure in the event he is inclined to do so. 

Badsanta


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

BsHs said:


> Thru the years following I have heard..."If you would keep the house cleaner", "I don't know if I'm happy anymore", "Work is just taking up all my energy", "I don't know what's going on with me", "If you were more supportive". I have been thru every beat up session you can imagine as a woman. I'm to fat. I'm unattractive, he's having an affair, I'm not doing enough for him


Of all the reasons you have stated above, the one that is the most common culprit in situations like this is that the woman has become fat and unattractive. 

Not saying you're fat and unattractive, but if he's told you that then he apparently thinks so and it's sure as heck going to kill off his sex drive, at least for you.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

BsHs said:


> I have ask him. His reply is we can't afford it.


Ask him if he can he afford a divorce more easily? After you've put up with this for so many years, he probably won't believe you're serious, though. My ex was in denial (despite therapy that did not help) until I moved out. Just how far are you willing to go to resolve this? Does it include divorce? You may have to file to get anything to change, and even then, any changes may only last long enough to stop you from leaving.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

This is surprisingly common and really miserable. There are a lot of discussions here on LD / HD (low drive, / high drive) relationships. You have a lot of company in your misery. 

You are not a fool, or at least if you are you have a lot of company (I'm 30 years in a nearly sexless marriage). lack of sex can make life generally depressing and miserable, but at any one time it never seems right to leave the person you love.


A few questions:
Was sex frequent and good very early on in the marriage, or was it always limited?

Do either of you have any significant health / fitness issues? Any long term medication (anti-depressants for example can completely kill some people's sex drives). Any hint of abuse in his past?

Are there other stresses in the marriage - lots of arguments, money problems, etc?


Its quite possible though that he is just naturally low drive. That sadly leaves you few options. I generally describe it as "Leave", "Cheat", Live like a nun". I wish there was a a better choice, but in 30 years I haven't found one. Don't hope it will just improve - after this long, that is very unlikely .


If you want to leave, you have every right to do so. If you do leave, then just tell him and go. Don't make the mistake of seeing if he will improve - he may for a little while, then things will go back to where they are now.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Unless she is morbidly obese, I don't think her appearance is the problem. If he made comments (and I don't think he did if I am parsing her post correctly), then I think its more of an excuse. 

I've been married ~30 years, my wife lost most of breast to cancer, and to an unbiased observer looks like a late middle aged (OK, old) woman. But to me she is still beautiful, and I am as attracted to her as when I first saw her sitting around a camp fire in 1980. If only she felt the same about me. 






browser said:


> Of all the reasons you have stated above, the one that is the most common culprit in situations like this is that the woman has become fat and unattractive.
> 
> Not saying you're fat and unattractive, but if he's told you that then he apparently thinks so and it's sure as heck going to kill off his sex drive, at least for you.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

browser said:


> Of all the reasons you have stated above, the one that is the most common culprit in situations like this is that the woman has become fat and unattractive.
> 
> Not saying you're fat and unattractive, but if he's told you that then he apparently thinks so and it's sure as heck going to kill off his sex drive, at least for you.


I understood this to mean that other folks on the internet have suggested these things.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

BsHs said:


> I have ask him. His reply is we can't afford it.


The response to this is that you can't afford NOT to. Therapy is expensive, but divorce is more so.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

BsHs said:


> The struggle is real...
> Married a wonderful man, well provider, took over fathering of my 2 children, and good friend. I don't know where to begin.... my frustration started within the first couple years of our marriage...our sex life became a major problem. He started acting uninterested. I would pursue him for sex and he would make comments early in the day about how bad he was feeling. It became a deterrent for me and I would just wait. Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months until I was beside myself with hurt, frustration, and then pissed. He would make excuses and then get angry for my not understanding the burden he was carrying for our family. Saying just enough to shut me up. We would have sex, he would promise to work on making time for us, and for a month or so I would think we were getting back on tract then the process would start over. Thru the years following I have heard..."If you would keep the house cleaner", "I don't know if I'm happy anymore", "Work is just taking up all my energy", "I don't know what's going on with me", "If you were more supportive". I have been thru every beat up session you can imagine as a woman. I'm to fat. I'm unattractive, he's having an affair, I'm not doing enough for him. Jumping thru every hoop to do what ever it is that will make him want me.
> We are now in our 28th year of marriage and I feel so deeply wounded that I want to run. I don't want to give up, am I a fool?


It ain't you. It's your H. Your H appears to believe he is doing all the right things. Working hard. Being a great dad. Roof overhead. Heat is on when cold. The A/C is rolling when hot. The water is on. The cable is paid and TV blaring away. The frig is full. And you want what???? Sex? Where is the appreciation for all of the above that your H has done???? 

For me, as a married man, see my life as a triangle. One point of the triangle is my work that keeps the family going. The second point is the dad point. I'm a hands on dad and attentive to my kids. The third point is the husband point. For years, point 1 and 2 on the triangle I covered very well. My W had said so. She also would say that sex was lacking. Sex is not all of a marriage but a large part. Point 3 of the triangle of mine was lacking. Why was that? In my brain, covering point 1 and 2 was enough. It was all that was required in my mind. After all of that my W wanted what? Sex? Come on, I work hard. I'm tired. I do enough. Well, that only last so long. 

This is what made me wake up.....my W over the years had told me sex was lacking. I did EXACTLY what your H did. However, I realized via this site that my W had every right to leave me. She could have found another or simply said she was not enjoying the marriage. I realized I was a fool and there was no reason I should not have been 100% attentive to my W needs physically. It only took me 20 years to figure that out. 

So, in my mind, did I want to lose my family over something like not covering point 3 on the triangle? Nope. Does your H want to lose his family over not attending to point 3 on his triangle?

In my mind I think your H thinks he is doing enough. I'm sure he is, however, he is not doing enough for you. You are the most important point on the triangle. Even over the kids. Advise your H he needs to find point 3 because the marriage is more of a partnership. Kids grow older. That point on the triangle for the kids slowly becomes less important. The kids are on their own. Channel that energy to you, his W. When I did this....our sex live turned upside down and took off like a rocket. 

I hope yours does too!


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

badsanta said:


> Here are some books you may find helpful:
> 
> https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090/
> This is a great book on better understanding female sexuality. Before you start trying to work on your husband, it is best if you have a full grasp on female sexuality as well as how it is viewed by society. This may be helpful explaining different models of sexuality that you and your husband use to understand each other and how those models may be very different from reality.
> ...


This is a good place to start. It certainly beats throwing away thousands of dollars on therapy which will do you no good.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

BsHs said:


> The struggle is real...
> Married a wonderful man, well provider, took over fathering of my 2 children, and good friend. I don't know where to begin.... my frustration started within the first couple years of our marriage...our sex life became a major problem.
> 
> ....We are now in our 28th year of marriage and I feel so deeply wounded that I want to run. I don't want to give up, am I a fool?


A few thoughts. First, you have every right to feel wounded and hurt. 

I would like to suggest you read two books. First, MW Davis, divorce busting or her other book the Sex Starved Wife. I think that they will help you deal with what you are feeling and give you some positive ideas. The next book I would suggest is Chapman's the Five Languages of Love.

Both of the books changed my marriage. I would wager that after reading Chapman's book, you will have a much better understanding of the dynamic between you and your H. In my Sex Starved Marriage, my languages of love were touch and praise. My wife's were acts of service and quality time. My wife would complain when I came home from working late without calling her. That criticism felt to me like the opposite of praise and so I tended to quickly move away from the dinner table to the TV or to a corner and start reading to avoid being hurt. To my wife, who grew up with a mother that made a hot home cooked meal as a way to show her husband that she loved him, my causing dinner to be ruined was like a slap in the face a very unloving thing when she wanted to show her love through the act of service of cooking dinner. I thought I was being a good provider, working hard getting overtime and promotions. She felt I had abandoned her. Chapman's book will help you better understand what is going on between the two of you.

I would also recommend going to a sex therapist or marriage counselor. As was pointed out, no matter how expensive they are a lot cheaper than two divorce attorneys and that really is the alternative.

after 20+ years you can't change your husband, but as MW Davis will point out to you, you can change yourself and that will change the way that your H interacts with you. If you are lucky some of his change will be positive and you can reinforce such behavior. 

Good luck.


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