# Wife had EA



## tbone777$

Sorry, had to open another thread on this. Have to figure how to navigate with reply’s, etc.

My story. Been married 10 years with two children together. Our marriage for 10 years has been great, we do things together, have a good sex life and mange our finances well together. 

Recently I ran into an old friend from college and grabbed a beer to chit chat. We asked about our how we have been, married, kids, etc. I told him I was married to “Beryl” and he said he knew her. My wife is a runner and is in a large running group that trains for marathons and he was also in the group. He then gave me a friendly warning that a few years back my wife sent some texts about how she had a crush on his friend in the same running group. His friend told him about the texts. Kind of shocked but I wanted to dig further. 

Went into her phone and found the guy and some messages on Facebook Messger about 4 years ago with him. What I discovered is she was texting him at first about training because he is a trainer but she crossed the line when said she was attractive to him, loved a picture they took together after a race and how good they looked together and some other stuff. She stated she was confused because this has never happened to her before about being attaratced to someone other than her husband and that she loves her husband. The guy was actually a married stand up guy. He told her he was flattered she liked him but was uncomfortable talking about this and was happily married. He told her stick to chatting about running issues. He wife is so lucky. She immediately backtracked in chat at that point and said she only wanted to be friends. Chats after that point from him were strictly about running but she posts a like on everything he posts. He never puts like on any of her posts.

I confronted her about it and the usual BS. She said she made a mistake and and nothing happened and admitted to a EA even though it was one sided. She felt ashamed, stupid, and guilty as she should. I told her to go into her phone and delete all the messages and him as a friend. She told me it was 4 years ago and she dealt with it before it went to far and told me to forget about it and nothing physical ever happened and she would never let it happen.

Now I get the “I’m so sorry”routine and she loves me deeply and it will never happen again but what upsets me is she was the initiator and got rejected so who knows what would have happened if he took the bait.

Whole thing really pisses me off and part of me wants to throw her to he curb and the other part might be able to forgive her as a bad
mistake and we have a family to consider but what kind of fool gives a free pass for her EA. I just think that is a liscense to steal. 

My respect and trust for her now is severely diminished. I know myself and when I don’t respect or value someone I emotionally and physically cut it loose. 

I do feel I need some time to evaluate to get past the anger and figure out my path forward

Thoughts?


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## Noble1

Sorry to hear about your situation.

For your wife, maybe she did deal with it four years ago and maybe she did learn a lesson and has not acted like that since.

The issue for you is that it is fresh and you are just dealing with this now.

The trust you have/had for your wife is damaged and it may be hard to rebuild that trust - especially since I'm sure you did not expect this of your wife at all.

The sad thing is that this knowledge you now have will most likely color all your memories the past four years and that is something you do not deserve at all.

I hope your wife is truly remorseful and does whatever it takes to rebuild the trust between the two of you.

good luck.


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## Beach123

tbone777$ said:


> Sorry, had to open another thread on this. Have to figure how to navigate with reply’s, etc.
> 
> My story. Been married 10 years with two children together. Our marriage for 10 years has been great, we do things together, have a good sex life and mange our finances well together.
> 
> Recently I ran into an old friend from college and grabbed a beer to chit chat. We asked about our how we have been, married, kids, etc. I told him I was married to “Beryl” and he said he knew her. My wife is a runner and is in a large running group that trains for marathons and he was also in the group. He then gave me a friendly warning that a few years back my wife sent some texts about how she had a crush on his friend in the same running group. His friend told him about the texts. Kind of shocked but I wanted to dig further.
> 
> Went into her phone and found the guy and some messages on Facebook Messger about 4 years ago with him. What I discovered is she was texting him at first about training because he is a trainer but she crossed the line when said she was attractive to him, loved a picture they took together after a race and how good they looked together and some other stuff. She stated she was confused because this has never happened to her before about being attaratced to someone other than her husband and that she loves her husband. The guy was actually a married stand up guy. He told her he was flattered she liked him but was uncomfortable talking about this and was happily married. He told her stick to chatting about running issues. He wife is so lucky. She immediately backtracked in chat at that point and said she only wanted to be friends. Chats after that point from him were strictly about running but she posts a like on everything he posts. He never puts like on any of her posts.
> 
> I confronted her about it and the usual BS. She said she made a mistake and and nothing happened and admitted to a EA even though it was one sided. She felt ashamed, stupid, and guilty as she should. I told her to go into her phone and delete all the messages and him as a friend. She told me it was 4 years ago and she dealt with it before it went to far and told me to forget about it and nothing physical ever happened and she would never let it happen.
> 
> Now I get the “I’m so sorry”routine and she loves me deeply and it will never happen again but what upsets me is she was the initiator and got rejected so who knows what would have happened if he took the bait.
> 
> Whole thing really pisses me off and part of me wants to throw her to he curb and the other part might be able to forgive her as a bad
> mistake and we have a family to consider but what kind of fool gives a free pass for her EA. I just think that is a liscense to steal.
> 
> My respect and trust for her now is severely diminished. I know myself and when I don’t respect or value someone I emotionally and physically cut it loose.
> 
> I do feel I need some time to evaluate to get past the anger and figure out my path forward
> 
> Thoughts?


You have reasons to be concerned.

If it were me - I would demand that she do counseling to find out why she thought she could do that to you...and to fix what is broken inside of her.

And include you in the counseling once every four sessions for updates to what progress she's making to change her way of thinking.

It's also concerning she was doing this and you had no idea she was distracted.

I'd also require she NEVER do the running group again. There's loads of affairs that happen in running groups (yes, I've heard of MANY).


See if she's sorry enough to fulfill your requests. Does she work full time?


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## tbone777$

Yes we both work FT and also have rental
Properties we manage together


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## skerzoid

tbone777$:

You know about this affair. The thing to ask about is other affairs. If she was willing to take this physical with someone else, she may have done it again or earlier, or even be in one at this time. *Consider a polygraph.* You may be only seeing the tip of the iceberg.


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## manfromlamancha

Here are my observations on this:




She thinks its OK for her to pursue someone that she is attracted to and acts on it. No matter what she tells you now, that is what her natural instincts led her to do. 


If the next attractive guy comes along she will act on it but hide it better. She is definitely on the lookout for attractive guys.


She definitely thinks this OM is more attractive than you - whether she has cut ties or not. The simple truth is that she needs to find a better way to deal with her loins each time she sees a man that is more attractive than you to her.


She may swear nothing physical happened, but both you and I know that it would have had he responded.


I, for one, could not be married to a woman who thinks and feels this way.


I also agree that running groups are rife with this sort of lust.



You need to decide if you want to stay married to someone like this. She would be better off with someone that she is attracted to and needs to face the consequences of losing her family. You need to be with someone that you do not have to keep checking up on.


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## TJW

tbone777$ said:


> Our marriage for 10 years has been great, we do things together, have a good sex life and mange our finances well together.


This is a big consideration here. I think you have a marriage that is WORTH saving and a wife who, as she said, made a mistake.



tbone777$ said:


> I confronted her about it and the usual BS. She said she made a mistake and and nothing happened and admitted to a EA even though it was one sided. She felt ashamed, stupid, and guilty as she should. I told her to go into her phone and delete all the messages and him as a friend. She told me it was 4 years ago and she dealt with it before it went to far and told me to forget about it and nothing physical ever happened and she would never let it happen.


This is not the "usual BS"....the usual BS is that the cheater blames the betrayed spouse, "gaslights", "trickle-truth" (and, outright denies the truth), etc. Your wife is doing none of this. She completely has "owned" her actions, repented of them, is not blaming you, and is definitely seeking to restore her relationship with you and your family.

I believe her that "nothing physical ever happened and she would never let it happen". It seems that she just fell into the trap of "feel-good" in the moment, and completely understands that what she did was wrong.



tbone777$ said:


> but what upsets me is she was the initiator and got rejected so who knows what would have happened if he took the bait


Well, you have two choices here. One, you can assume that she is lying about "she would never let it happen". This is what is making you upset and not trusting.
Two, you can choose to believe her..... and let go of these thoughts. It cannot be said what "would have happened"....but, your wife, in her current conversation, leads me to believe her. 

Door #2 provides you a far better chance at a continued and satisfying marriage. I think a continued marriage with your wife is the most desirable option, like you say, you have a family with her, and you have 10 years of a good marriage.

Trusting her, going forward, will be difficult.... and, your wife saying to "forget" this is a poor word choice. You cannot "forget" it.... you can only forgive it.
But, in my mind, taking the difficult, unselfish path from Door #2 is the way to go.

My best wishes to you and your wife.


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## Beach123

This was four years ago. Is she still in that running group?


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## BigToe

tbone777$ said:


> ...but what kind of fool gives a free pass for her EA.


You didn't give her a free pass, you confronted her. Be careful trying to make her "pay" for her transgression. If you can't forgive you need to walk away. In my opinion you also need to make sure you have a "trust but verify" relationship in the future. That means open accounts, no unknown passwords, etc.


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## TJW

BigToe said:


> Be careful trying to make her "pay" for her transgression.


Absolutely right. Don't go there. @BigToe has given you very good advice.


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## tbone777$

I discussed with her about the running group and she said she will only run with women from now on. Who knows if it’s true or not

One thing, she is always trying to push me into long distance running with her. I am in good shape and have a nice physical build but I like a
Muscular build not a runner build. Not a knock on anyone just my preference. I will run about 7-8 miles per session but that is plenty for me. I told her I would run 5k-10k events with her but I have no passion to ever run a marathon which she keeps pushing. She runs 5-8 Marathons a year. 

Runners can be fanatical about training which I respect. My wife is a running addiict, it’s her passion and she loves it. I think the reason she turned to this guy is because he is also a running fanatic and they share that together but she crossed the line and has some damaged thinking. I don’t run with her because she is a way higher cardio than me. The guy is actual not very good looking and she even admitted to that.

She said she admired him and his work ethic and was lonely because I don’t run with her. Still no excuse to go outside your marriage because I wouldn’t run with you, you kidding me.


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## Beach123

There are consequences to her crossing the line!

No more running group!

Since she's ruined the trust - it costs her. If she's not totally willing to give it up...then she is indicating that's more important than you/the marriage!!!

She doesn't get to call the shots anymore. 

Why would you go along with that crap? "I'll just run with women now" - what a total liar!

Why would you believe her?


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## wilson

It sounds like your wife developed a crush more than she's a cheater. That is, her brain irrationally went crazy for this guy rather than she inherently has a cheating personality. It doesn't make it okay, but it does seem like it's possible to move past this.

She must cut all ties to this guy. Her brain is irrationally drawing her to him. He's like a drug to her. She needs to remove him from all social media, block his email/phone, join a different running group, etc. If she's liking all his posts, she gets a little jolt every time she does. She probably stalks his social media posts for the same reason. She needs to take whatever steps are necessary so that she never interacts with him again. Even years later it can flare up again. Anyone who had a high school crush can probably relate to how strong those irrational feelings can be years later.

Longer term, she needs to recognize this weakness and take steps to prevent it. It doesn't mean she has to avoid all men, but she needs to recognize when these feelings start in her brain and take steps to remove herself from the situation. There will always be other men she interacts with. She probably also needs to take steps to put her energy towards fixing issues in your relationship rather than daydreaming of an idyllic fantasy life.

Even though it's understandable you don't want to do marathons, is there anyway you can be more involved in her training? Perhaps ride a bike along with her, drive to spots along her route to provide nutrition, go to her races, etc. This will help her avoid idle thoughts that might lead to temptation.


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## Beach123

wilson said:


> It sounds like your wife developed a crush more than she's a cheater. That is, her brain irrationally went crazy for this guy rather than she inherently has a cheating personality. It doesn't make it okay, but it does seem like it's possible to move past this.
> 
> She must cut all ties to this guy. Her brain is irrationally drawing her to him. He's like a drug to her. She needs to remove him from all social media, block his email/phone, join a different running group, etc. If she's liking all his posts, she gets a little jolt every time she does. She probably stalks his social media posts for the same reason. She needs to take whatever steps are necessary so that she never interacts with him again. Even years later it can flare up again. Anyone who had a high school crush can probably relate to how strong those irrational feelings can be years later.
> 
> Longer term, she needs to recognize this weakness and take steps to prevent it. It doesn't mean she has to avoid all men, but she needs to recognize when these feelings start in her brain and take steps to remove herself from the situation. There will always be other men she interacts with. She probably also needs to take steps to put her energy towards fixing issues in your relationship rather than daydreaming of an idyllic fantasy life.
> 
> Even though it's understandable you don't want to do marathons, is there anyway you can be more involved in her training? Perhaps ride a bike along with her, drive to spots along her route to provide nutrition, go to her races, etc. This will help her avoid idle thoughts that might lead to temptation.


Really? That last paragraph... why is it HIS job to police her thoughts? That's just ludicrous! 

She needs to find out what HER problem is.


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## wilson

Beach123 said:


> Really? That last paragraph... why is it HIS job to police her thoughts? That's just ludicrous!
> 
> She needs to find out what HER problem is.


It would be more about having time to bond and create a closer relationship. Training for marathons involves runs that are multi-hours long. It sounds like she may feel lonely during these runs. If he can be a part of her training, it would likely help avoid those negative thoughts and likely bring them closer together.

Part of my viewpoint is thinking of her like an alcoholic. She needs to take steps to stay clean, but the close people around her can also help her stay clean as well. It's totally valid to expect the alcoholic to stay clean on their own, but the reality is that temptations can be pretty strong. Since this is a long-term marriage with kids, I think the more he can do to help her the better the outcome will be.


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## Beach123

wilson said:


> It would be more about having time to bond and create a closer relationship. Training for marathons involves runs that are multi-hours long. It sounds like she may feel lonely during these runs. If he can be a part of her training, it would likely help avoid those negative thoughts and likely bring them closer together.
> 
> Part of my viewpoint is thinking of her like an alcoholic. She needs to take steps to stay clean, but the close people around her can also help her stay clean as well. It's totally valid to expect the alcoholic to stay clean on their own, but the reality is that temptations can be pretty strong. Since this is a long-term marriage with kids, I think the more he can do to help her the better the outcome will be.


It's not his job to control HER thoughts!

That's up to her! And if she's not CAPABLE of that simple requirement then he may as well leave her.


I'm an alcoholic...been sober nearly 11 years... I'm around alcohol all the time...it's MY job to never take that drink... it's not anyone else's responsibility!

What you describe is completely codependent.


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## SunCMars

i agree with the bike ride along.

I would have loved having someone to join me on those eighteen-mile training runs.
The fact they would have been on a bike is not even an issue.

Oh, and them bringing WATER!


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## TJW

tbone777$ said:


> She said she admired him and his work ethic and was lonely because I don’t run with her. Still no excuse to go outside your marriage because I wouldn’t run with you, you kidding me.


Now, unfortunately, that's the "usual BS". Blame-shifting....He's "better" than you....it's YOUR FAULT....

You're right, these are absolutely no excuse..... truth is, there IS NO EXCUSE. Tell her to go back to her former statements, and this may work out. If she persists in this kind of rhetoric, she can consider her marriage OVER.


She will have to abandon all statements of this kind, FOREVER, if she wants your trust, and to rebuild her marriage.



tbone777$ said:


> I think the reason she turned to this guy is because he is also a running fanatic and they share that together but she crossed the line and has some damaged thinking.


Yes, to the "crossed the line" - No, to the "he's also a running fanatic", "they share that together", and the "damaged thinking"....

Don't make excuses for her actions. They were wrong. Period. And, they were borne of simple selfishness and sinfulness. It "felt good". That's the only reason people cheat. They WANT TO because it FEELS GOOD.


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## wilson

Beach123 said:


> It's not his job to control HER thoughts!
> 
> That's up to her! And if she's not CAPABLE of that simple requirement then he may as well leave her.
> 
> 
> I'm an alcoholic...been sober nearly 11 years... I'm around alcohol all the time...it's MY job to never take that drink... it's not anyone else's responsibility!
> 
> What you describe is completely codependent.


First off, congrats to you for being sober! I'm sure many of us can understand how big of a challenge that is. It's a great accomplishment to stay sober and I hope you take pride in that.

I'm not disagreeing with you, but this family's best chance of success is if they both work on the problem. There is also a chance that she can manage it on her own, but the chances are less. I don't think she gets to be absolved from her transgressions or that he should take total responsibility for keeping her honest. If there weren't kids involved, I would be a lot less sympathetic to her. My advice is really geared more about how to keep this family together and have a healthy relationship going forward.


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## sokillme

I think it's natural and normal for people to be attracted to other people. I also think just because she was attracted to him doesn't men she is not attracted or even more attracted to you. You can be attracted to more then one person at once. We also all know it's hard to compete with "the new". That could be what he brought just being new. People have thoughts and desires, but adults don't act on them and then remove themselves from situations that they know are affecting their relationship. If that is all it was, and she did that then I would say there are no problems. 

HOWEVER, she acted on the feelings to pursue him. He was the one who shut it down, that is a huge red flag. Unfortunately that creates problems because the truth is you have no idea what happens the next time and what has happened in the past. Don't just assume this is the only time. That would be unwise as all you have is her word and she has shown that she is willing to pursue something when she is married to you. Also someone who is married. Your wife has poor character and frankly her love for you is not what it needs to be if she was able to do that. 

I guess it's up to you. She should not act like this wasn't a deep betrayal to you and her marriage. It was and minimizing it really doesn't make her seem safe. She needs to do the work. You should suggest a poly maybe at the very least to give her some fear. I think WAY too often Wayward Spouses (WS) are so self focused that they don't understand the damage that they have done to the marriage or what they lost. I also think Betrayed Spouses (BS) don't articulate effectively what is going with their thoughts about the relationship. This is a possible terminal wound done to your marriage. 

I think that being said, you should let her know your disappointment. Avoid anger as it will make her defensive. Be blunt and concise, emotional if that is your style but not combative. How this really changes the nature of your feeling for her as you don't feel like you can trust her. It damages you love for her and you feelings about your marriage. Even if you want to there is a good chance you will not recover those feelings and therefore the marriage may not recover. Right now she is the person you trusted with your entire life and she let a selfish part of her nature risk your safety. That makes you want to reconsider your future with her. I would bring up the possibility of divorce and what that would look like for both of you. "This has caused me to lose a lot of faith in you and our future, I am starting to think we should at least discuss what divorce would look like." Now this is depending on how your communication works in your marriage. But if you are there you are going to have to discuss it anyway. She needs to understand that this kind of stuff is that grave. It's absolutely NOT something that happened 4 years ago that she dealt with and you should be over. 

Her saying "It will never happen again" really means nothing to you because she would have said to you it would not happen in the first place. There are a whole hosts of dumb statements that cheaters make that cause conflict but if you are going to continue with this it is imperative that she understands that these kinds of statements don't help and actually hurt because they show she doesn't get it. I mean you are a man who had a friend tell you that your wife had feeling for another man. What kind of wife does that? Not a good one. 

I would suggest she think about posting on SurvivingInfidelity.com in there Wayword section. These are people who have cheated. Most of the folks who post there have gone farther then your wife has (as far as we know) and are trying to recover their broken lives. She will get good sobering advice. I also think she should read on there because it will give her and idea what she did from an impartial source. I don't recommend YOU post there though. It's not such a good recovery site for people who were cheated on. Finally the book, Not "Just Friends" is always something that is advised as the goto read. The point of all of this is to build in some empathy about how grave this situation really is. WS seem to have problems with that. It's why they are able to continue to push boundaries and do it in the first place. People who don't cheat have a check in them that makes them feel terrible at just the thought of cheating. Your wife doesn't, at least not yet. That is also the risk, not sure if people can learn that or they just have it in them. Again something you need to think long and hard about it. 

Thing is you can give her these ideas but you can't do it for her and you should let her actions determine what you want to do. Maybe consult a lawyer so you know your rights as that will give you some control. Having agency is what is going to help you the most. You need to remind yourself that this is your life and at the end of the day you have total agency in it. You have some pretty big red flags and your are right to be concerned. However you don't NEED this women to have a great happy life. This is YOUR life we are talking about YOUR love is a privilege. 

I will let everyone else talk to you about new boundaries and stuff.


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## Beach123

wilson said:


> First off, congrats to you for being sober! I'm sure many of us can understand how big of a challenge that is. It's a great accomplishment to stay sober and I hope you take pride in that.
> 
> I'm not disagreeing with you, but this family's best chance of success is if they both work on the problem. There is also a chance that she can manage it on her own, but the chances are less. I don't think she gets to be absolved from her transgressions or that he should take total responsibility for keeping her honest. If there weren't kids involved, I would be a lot less sympathetic to her. My advice is really geared more about how to keep this family together and have a healthy relationship going forward.


He has NO responsibility for KEEPING HER HONEST.

Either SHE does it - or she doesn't!

You seem to keep putting the action portion of HER cheating onto him (the OP).

This has nothing to do with him - and everything to do with what's broken about HER.

Going at this backwards will not make her take responsibility for HER actions. It will also not require HER to change.

It's up to HER to change HERSELF.


Give up the environment that socializes alongside where she had the interest - the running group.

She should be required to forfeit something she loves IF she intends to keep the marriage going.

If she chooses not to quit the group - you have her solid answer.


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## lifeistooshort

My thoughts as a woman who might also be described as a fanatical runner who runs with groups are as follows:

This kind of thing is more common then people realize. You do bond with other runners....I'm basically divorced (waiting on the judge's sign off) but when I was married I ran mostly with women. I'm a pretty fast runner.... have been known to win overall womens division.... so I will often end up running with men because there just aren't many women who can run with me. 

But I can still meet large groups that have women, socialize mainly with them, run with the men, then go back to socializing with the women. 

Other contact with men should be limited to training. Even now that I'm single I will not be communicating with married men. 

Attractions are common, but you keep that **** to yourself unless you're both available. 

Your wife could keep these boundaries, but she didn't. She made a play for a married man, so she was willing to not only **** up your marriage but also his.

Not cool.

That tells me it's probably happened before and will probably happen again. 

I can understand the lonely part, particularly if you don't take much interest in what she's doing. My ex was also a runner, but we seldom ran together because I'm a lot faster. But he still took an interest.... that's the only way I've seen marriages to a fanatical runner work. The spouse doesn't need to run but they should take an interest. 

So, can you trust her? My feeling is probably not...but you may benefit from some marriage counseling. And she needs to be an open book with you.

Try going with her and befriending some of the men. These running affairs seldom stay secret.... the community finds out. I can tell you that if I was going to have an affair (while I was married) I sure as **** wouldn't do it with another runner.....****ing everyone would know.

Good luck.


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## Beach123

OP - what are your requirements that she abide by in order to consider staying married to her?


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## 23cm

Ahem...were I in Tbone's place, am I the only one to be really, really, really pissed that the info about my wife's affair was being passed to me by a friend, who had been told by a friend. 

And, let's be clear, if Tbone's friends knew, everyone in the running group knows. "Poor Tbone. Skinny Ugly Runner must have some hidden assets...wink wink. Shame Tbone can't keep up running, and well, you know." 

Geez...I guess I missed the billboard by the interstate that said "Tbone777$s wife has the hots for Skinny Ugly Runner. Y'all invited to the Cuckold Party."

Her brush off "apology" such as it was, is totally inadequate.


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## BluesPower

Let's start at the beginning. 

There are several things that you should understand, and now live by. 

1) You don't know what you don't know. Now maybe she is telling the truth, not likely but maybe. Many quip, but in this case you need to have her take a polygraph. Many will say they can be beaten, yes they can, by trained people, but not by regular people. 

Further, you don't tell her that she is going to take a poly, you surprise her with it, and you make her take it. You can imagine the questions. If she does not do it, you know there is more, if she fails, you know what you need to know. If she passes, then SHE knows you are pissed and serious about her crap. 

Also, you may get a parking lot confession. Even if you do make her take it. 

2) This happened about 6 years into your marriage. 7 year itch. Lots of women, and men, have affairs at this point. They lose attraction to their partners, or just want some strange. THIS is what she was doing and IF, and you don't really know, this guy was not a stand up guy she would have banged him, no doubt about it, not matter what she says. 

And you don't know if she has had any affairs you don't know about. 

3) THIS WAS NOT A MISTAKE, she needs to take that word out of her vocabulary. It was a choice that she made and she would have gone through with it. 

4) You cannot trust a word that comes out of her mouth. 

5) NO MORE RUNNING GROUP.... PERIOD. She has been hanging out with this guy for the last 4 freaking years before you found out. THAT IS BULL S***. 

6) If everything she says is true, which it is not, then for her it happened 4 years ago, for you it happened yesterday. 

7) You should have come here before you confronted her. 

8) You get to be completely in charge of the relationship now. And whoever said you should not make her PAY is crazy, sorry toe. THERE need to be some harsh consequences, i.e, no running group for starters. There should be others.

9) What you have to realize is that she was prepared to have a physical affair. THAT is what you have to contend with. And whether it happened or not with someone else.


And I think that the things she said are typical cheater speak. She did not come to you 4 years ago and tell you that she is ashamed and almost slept with another man, now did she? 

THAT would have lent credibility to what she is saying now. But now, with her continued membership in the running club, and access to this guy that she has a crush on, she has no credibility. 

And let's say that everything she is saying now is true. How do you feel that she picked the ONE standup guy that would not cheat on his wife and bang her for a while. How do that make you feel? 

You have a LOT to be pissed off about, and a lot of work to do, so you can feel safe with her again.

Remember, you don't know what you don't know...


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## Yeswecan

tbone777$ said:


> The guy is actual not very good looking and she even admitted to that.
> 
> She said she admired him and his work ethic and was lonely because I don’t run with her. Still no excuse to go outside your marriage because I wouldn’t run with you, you kidding me.


Does not mean a hill of bean if the OM is not good looking. It is even a smaller hill of beans when WW/WH say the OP is not that good looking. 

Your WW admired the attention.


----------



## TJW

Beach123 said:


> If she chooses not to quit the group - you have her solid answer.


It's not a job, it's not a ministry, it's not any kind of calling. There are many running groups, she could simply switch to another.

And, really, the only thing someone who wants to run is to head out the front door and down the street. No "group" is required.

This would help to restore your trust.


----------



## Steelman

Man- some of these are overboard. If things are generally happy and this is the one big mistake, the only way to move forward is to not persecute her and move on. She messed up, she was attracted to someone else for the same reason 98% of wives have attracted to someone else- emotional reasons through work or a club of some kind. She just took it a step further. Don't drag her to a polygraph. Don't kill her for it. Just move on. She doesn't sound like a big cheater.

If you want to tell her to run with women, I'd agree with that.


----------



## BluesPower

Steelman said:


> Man- some of these are overboard. If things are generally happy and this is the one big mistake, the only way to move forward is to not persecute her and move on. She messed up, she was attracted to someone else for the same reason 98% of wives have attracted to someone else- emotional reasons through work or a club of some kind. She just took it a step further. Don't drag her to a polygraph. Don't kill her for it. Just move on. She doesn't sound like a big cheater.
> 
> If you want to tell her to run with women, I'd agree with that.


It has been proven that men, and women, that deal with these thing is a very strong, no Bull S*** manner have the greatest success in either saving their marriages, or getting out of infidelity. 

Now she could be telling the truth, but there is at least an equal chance that she admitted what he already knew and lied to him. 

None of us, most importantly OP, know how much of a cheater she is, we just know that SHE IS a cheater. 

Now, this could be all there is and she is telling the truth, or it could be the tip of the iceberg. 

But @Steelman, you would believe all of this a face value from your wife that pursued and wanted to sleep with another man. "Don't worry honey, nothing happened", really?


----------



## Average Joe

I'm re-living the end of my last marriage with this thread.

She met a fellow professor on a group trip overseas, quick, secretive texting all hours of day and night ... led me to the effing FB message stream and there was the whole EA laid bare. THAT led me to her journal where she wrote that she no longer loved me, and was only staying married for the kids' sake. Our therapist recommended unfriending the guy, giving me the code to her phone, sharing all social media openly ... she refused, doubled down, and bought a safe. Our 6-year marriage was officially over in 4 months.

So, do you think she really loves you?


----------



## sokillme

Steelman said:


> Man- some of these are overboard. If things are generally happy and this is the one big mistake, the only way to move forward is to not persecute her and move on. She messed up, she was attracted to someone else for the same reason 98% of wives have attracted to someone else- emotional reasons through work or a club of some kind. She just took it a step further. Don't drag her to a polygraph. Don't kill her for it. Just move on. She doesn't sound like a big cheater.
> 
> If you want to tell her to run with women, I'd agree with that.


Hello Mrs. tbone777$


----------



## sokillme

Average Joe said:


> I'm re-living the end of my last marriage with this thread.
> 
> She met a fellow professor on a group trip overseas, quick, secretive texting all hours of day and night ... led me to the effing FB message stream and there was the whole EA laid bare. THAT led me to her journal where she wrote that she no longer loved me, and was only staying married for the kids' sake. Our therapist recommended unfriending the guy, giving me the code to her phone, sharing all social media openly ... she refused, doubled down, and bought a safe. Our 6-year marriage was officially over in 4 months.
> 
> So, do you think she really loves you?


This! This right here.

I have been thinking about this in the bigger picture of why R would never work for me, why I am so down on the idea. I guess I just don't work like everyone else because for me I would just be done. I know, I would be thinking the bottom line is, my wife doesn't love me enough to not want to pursue other men. I'm sorry but that is just not good enough for me. I am not going to give someone Tiffany style love (though granted I am bias, but it's a good kind none the less) only to accept dollar store love in return. 

Nope it's just NOT good enough, I really wouldn't care what she had to say at that point, her actions and those emails are enough. I don't care about counseling and brokenness or whatever else was the cause. I don't care if she changed her whole nature. When you break it all down even after all that I would know in my heart that my wife's love for me was not strong enough so that she wouldn't indulge in her worst behaviors. NOT good enough. 

I don't want some ticky-tack love like that. Life is short and it would be time to get back on my quest to find someone who can love me the way I want and how I deserve. I would rather be alone if not. I wish to GOD everyone felt this way, everyone should.


----------



## Beach123

Steelman said:


> Man- some of these are overboard. If things are generally happy and this is the one big mistake, the only way to move forward is to not persecute her and move on. She messed up, she was attracted to someone else for the same reason 98% of wives have attracted to someone else- emotional reasons through work or a club of some kind. She just took it a step further. Don't drag her to a polygraph. Don't kill her for it. Just move on. She doesn't sound like a big cheater.
> 
> If you want to tell her to run with women, I'd agree with that.



Seriously?

Do you not understand her actions betrayed him?

Rug sweeping doesn't EVER fix the issues - she ruined the trust in the marriage - do you not get that?

Are you his wife or something?


----------



## Mr. Nail

She is wrong, the 4 years are not the reason to rug sweep this, the four years are the reason the trust is gone. 4 years of deception. 4 years of getting away with it. 4 years of living a lie.


----------



## skerzoid

Steelman said:


> Man- some of these are overboard. If things are generally happy and this is the one big mistake, the only way to move forward is to not persecute her and move on. She messed up, she was attracted to someone else for the same reason 98% of wives have attracted to someone else- emotional reasons through work or a club of some kind. She just took it a step further. Don't drag her to a polygraph. Don't kill her for it. Just move on. She doesn't sound like a big cheater.
> 
> If you want to tell her to run with women, I'd agree with that.


tbone777$:

This is called rug sweeping. It may smooth things over until one of two things happens: 1. She does it again, or 2.Thinking about it festers inside you and you explode. 

If you really want a shot, poly, find as much truth as you can, and move on in R or D. Otherwise, somewhere down the road disaster lurks.


----------



## sokillme

How is it going @tbone777$ are you still with us? Did you talk to a lawyer?


----------



## VermiciousKnid

I feel like she is not appreciating the severity of what she's done. OP, have you communicated to her the severity of this? Does she know she's at risk of losing her marriage? She was all-in for cheating on you. The only reason it didn't happen is because HE cut it off. Not her. Her mindset was to go for it. Has her mindset magically changed over the years or is it just that another hot runner she's into hasn't come across her path? What happens the next time she connects with some running dude only this one is not a stand-up guy and is all-in to cheat as well? Not only did she not do the right thing, the OM did, but she also never told you. She's kept a 4 year secret, basically lying to you by omission, and kept her connection with this guy through running and social media. This isn't a tiny thing. This is a cancerous tumor on your marriage and if it isn't treated, it'll grow. Especially now that you know. First things first, however, is that she has to fully appreciate the severity of what she has done. You openly consulting with a divorce attorney might aid in that.


----------



## wilson

One way to make sure she understands the severity is to have her administer and pay for DNA tests for the kids. Knowing that you're doubting if the kids are yours should help show her how much it is affecting you. The poly can also be useful. Even if it's not to get answers, it shows that you've lost faith and she has to work to regain your trust.

The success of reconciling will depend a lot on how open and willing she is to regain your trust. If she balks and pushes back at your requests for transparency, then it's less likely you'll be able to rebuild a strong relationship. But if she agrees and is willing to do whatever is necessary to regain your trust, then there's a chance.


----------



## sokillme

wilson said:


> One way to make sure she understands the severity is to have her administer and pay for DNA tests for the kids. Knowing that you're doubting if the kids are yours should help show her how much it is affecting you. The poly can also be useful. Even if it's not to get answers, it shows that you've lost faith and she has to work to regain your trust.
> 
> The success of reconciling will depend a lot on how open and willing she is to regain your trust. If she balks and pushes back at your requests for transparency, then it's less likely you'll be able to rebuild a strong relationship. But if she agrees and is willing to do whatever is necessary to regain your trust, then there's a chance.


It's amazing that this is what it takes to make some people understand. What a nightmare it must be to be married to someone this depthless.


----------



## sunsetmist

I keep wondering how stand up guy trainer's wife felt about OP's wife hanging with her trainer husband in the running group for the next four years and into perpetuity? Trainer had to have been uncomfortable too. OP should ask trainer and his wife about this. Interesting no one told OP before this--awkward for all concerned.


----------



## tbone777$

Well we had a big discussion last night. Pretty good honestly and it really pointed me on a
path forward to move on. 

She was crying, depressed, and very remourseful and does not want the marriage ended. She said she loved me like no other and that this happened 4 years ago and made a mistake and ended it before it went to far. I had discussed about counseling for her and and some joint sessions for us at a later date, deleting all contact with running group, OM, etc.

I watched her delete all her her messenger and contact with the OM and she actually deleted FB and said I can check her phone anytime I want. She said she would go to counseling.

Well I took off and went to the coffee shop and wrote down my thoughts to all of this

Red Flags
She told it me it was four years ago and she let it get out of hand. She said it was more of a fantasy /crush more than anything because they ran so much together. This guy is a coach and lot of guys/girls run with him but he keeps it strictly professional. The real thing that pisses me off if she told me I need to just forget about it. I don’t think she thinks it’s a big deal because it didn’t go to PE and it was over 4 years ago. She said she would have never let it get that far. She said she was sad she lost her job at the time and was feeling lonely. I think she has depression or bi-polar issues. She will sometimes say she just feels sad or depressed. I told her to get help for it in the past but won’t go.

She said she would go to counseling if that would help the situation for me. She really thinks she has no issues on cheating because a PE never happened. 

As I sat back and drink my coffee reflecting back I really didn’t care about any of her excuses. No reason justifies doing this period. If you had any respect for me or this marriage you would not have taken this that far. Point proven is her coach rejected her because he loves his wife and would not do that. I really wasn’t mad 
and remained very calm and didn’t have much feeling toward her except someone who is morally flawed. Really surprising, but my view on her now is someone who is pretty weak minded and flawed beyond repair

The entire summary is she went outside of our marriage and tried to engage a married man. Only option is I can forgive this and trust her or move on. This EA would bug me for a long time if not forever and I don’t see me forgiving it. I don’t want to live on pins and needles wondering what’s going to happen next or get into petty vengeance because she is not worth it and mentally is is self destructive. Marriage is a sacred bond between two people and she destroyed that period. 

Well I went back and told her I am moving into our lake house. Packed some of my stuff and was tying to leave and she grabbed my leg as I was dragging her to the door crying like crazy. She said why are you doing this to us, I love you. I said , your actins forced me to do this course of action. Really was pathetic. I told her I am living there until things calm down and plan the next steps. 

I do feel better as power and stability is in my corner now. I control my own destiny not her.


----------



## 23cm

tbone777$ said:


> Well we had a big discussion last night. Pretty good honestly and it really pointed me on a
> path forward to move on.
> 
> She was crying, depressed, and very remourseful and does not want the marriage ended. She said she loved me like no other and that this happened 4 years ago and made a mistake and ended it before it went to far. I had discussed about counseling for her and and some joint sessions for us at a later date, deleting all contact with running group, OM, etc.
> 
> I watched her delete all her her messenger and contact with the OM and she actually deleted FB and said I can check her phone anytime I want. She said she would go to counseling.
> 
> Well I took off and went to the coffee shop and wrote down my thoughts to all of this
> 
> Red Flags
> She told it me it was four years ago and she let it get out of hand. She said it was more of a fantasy /crush more than anything because they ran so much together. This guy is a coach and lot of guys/girls run with him but he keeps it strictly professional. The real thing that pisses me off if she told me I need to just forget about it. I don’t think she thinks it’s a big deal because it didn’t go to PE and it was over 4 years ago. She said she would have never let it get that far. She said she was sad she lost her job at the time and was feeling lonely. I think she has depression or bi-polar issues. She will sometimes say she just feels sad or depressed. I told her to get help for it in the past but won’t go.
> 
> She said she would go to counseling if that would help the situation for me. She really thinks she has no issues on cheating because a PE never happened.
> 
> As I sat back and drink my coffee reflecting back I really didn’t care about any of her excuses. No reason justifies doing this period. If you had any respect for me or this marriage you would not have taken this that far. Point proven is her coach rejected her because he loves his wife and would not do that. I really wasn’t mad
> and remained very calm and didn’t have much feeling toward her except someone who is morally flawed. Really surprising, but my view on her now is someone who is pretty weak minded and flawed beyond repair
> 
> The entire summary is she went outside of our marriage and tried to engage a married man. Only option is I can forgive this and trust her or move on. This EA would bug me for a long time if not forever and I don’t see me forgiving it. I don’t want to live on pins and needles wondering what’s going to happen next or get into petty vengeance because she is not worth it and mentally is is self destructive. Marriage is a sacred bond between two people and she destroyed that period.
> 
> Well I went back and told her I am moving into our lake house. Packed some of my stuff and was tying to leave and she grabbed my leg as I was dragging her to the door crying like crazy. She said why are you doing this to us, I love you. I said , your actins forced me to do this course of action. Really was pathetic. I told her I am living there until things calm down and plan the next steps.
> 
> I do feel better as power and stability is in my corner now. I control my own destiny not her.


Should be required reading for every spouse that attempts to excuse their behavior by saying it was just "a mistake."

Actions have consequences.


----------



## dubsey

Some perspective for you and her both.

In her mind, this happened 4 years ago. It's history. Distant history. You need to understand this when you think about it and talk with her about it.

For you, this just happened because you've only now found out about it. She needs to know this is all new to you, and you haven't had a chance to hurt and process this. Remind her of that. It is NOT history for you. It just happened for you, and she needs to understand, allow you time to grieve that what you thought you had is different than what you actually have with her.

Also, she needs to understand that it could very well be the only reason it wasn't physical was because the other dude was a stand up guy. Your wife can deny that she'd have never let it get that far, but she can't prove that's the case, and she needs to know that's something you're currently struggling with.


----------



## VermiciousKnid

tbone777$ said:


> She said she loved me like no other and that this happened 4 years ago and made a mistake and ended it before it went to far.


But he ended it, not her. She was 100% willing to take the plunge.




tbone777$ said:


> I don’t think she thinks it’s a big deal because it didn’t go to PE and it was over 4 years ago.


She's dead wrong if she thinks that way. It doesn't matter in the least that it wasn't consummated. It's that she wanted to consummate it that matters.





tbone777$ said:


> I think she has depression or bi-polar issues. She will sometimes say she just feels sad or depressed. I told her to get help for it in the past but won’t go.


If so then this will happen again. Guaranteed. She has to at least go and get evaluated.




tbone777$ said:


> She said she would go to counseling if that would help the situation for me. She really thinks she has no issues on cheating because a PE never happened.


Huge red flag here. This is a wayward mindset.




tbone777$ said:


> The entire summary is she went outside of our marriage and tried to engage a married man. Only option is I can forgive this and trust her or move on. This EA would bug me for a long time if not forever and I don’t see me forgiving it. I don’t want to live on pins and needles wondering what’s going to happen next or get into petty vengeance because she is not worth it and mentally is is self destructive. Marriage is a sacred bond between two people and she destroyed that period.
> 
> Well I went back and told her I am moving into our lake house. Packed some of my stuff and was tying to leave and she grabbed my leg as I was dragging her to the door crying like crazy. She said why are you doing this to us, I love you. I said , your actins forced me to do this course of action. Really was pathetic. I told her I am living there until things calm down and plan the next steps.
> 
> I do feel better as power and stability is in my corner now. I control my own destiny not her.


You're on the right track here. It doesn't mean you'll get divorced. You can possibly recover from this although I personally believe that true recovery from these things is very rare. Once you poison the well or squirt the toothpaste it's almost impossible to undo it. If nothing else, she definitely now realizes the severity of what she did.


----------



## wilson

tbone777$ said:


> This EA would bug me for a long time if not forever and I don’t see me forgiving it. I don’t want to live on pins and needles wondering what’s going to happen next or get into petty vengeance because she is not worth it and mentally is is self destructive. Marriage is a sacred bond between two people and she destroyed that period.


Clearly this is a fundamental difference between you and your wife. While one part of reconciliation is that she fixes things, the other part would need to be for you to truly forgive her.. What's the point of staying together if hate over this issue is always burning inside of you? I think we all can understand your viewpoint.

I know this is an emotional time, but remember to keep in mind that the children are also involved. Even if you end up divorcing, try to do things in a way so that children still feel loved and protected. Sometimes the desire for retribution can be very powerful and may cause more damage than you intend. You sound like you're a great dad, but sometimes emotions can get the better of us.


----------



## sokillme

tbone777$ said:


> Well we had a big discussion last night. Pretty good honestly and it really pointed me on a
> path forward to move on.
> 
> She was crying, depressed, and very remourseful and does not want the marriage ended. She said she loved me like no other and that this happened 4 years ago and made a mistake and ended it before it went to far. I had discussed about counseling for her and and some joint sessions for us at a later date, deleting all contact with running group, OM, etc.
> 
> I watched her delete all her her messenger and contact with the OM and she actually deleted FB and said I can check her phone anytime I want. She said she would go to counseling.
> 
> Well I took off and went to the coffee shop and wrote down my thoughts to all of this
> 
> Red Flags
> She told it me it was four years ago and she let it get out of hand. She said it was more of a fantasy /crush more than anything because they ran so much together. This guy is a coach and lot of guys/girls run with him but he keeps it strictly professional. The real thing that pisses me off if she told me I need to just forget about it. I don’t think she thinks it’s a big deal because it didn’t go to PE and it was over 4 years ago. She said she would have never let it get that far. She said she was sad she lost her job at the time and was feeling lonely. I think she has depression or bi-polar issues. She will sometimes say she just feels sad or depressed. I told her to get help for it in the past but won’t go.
> 
> She said she would go to counseling if that would help the situation for me. She really thinks she has no issues on cheating because a PE never happened.
> 
> As I sat back and drink my coffee reflecting back I really didn’t care about any of her excuses. No reason justifies doing this period. If you had any respect for me or this marriage you would not have taken this that far. Point proven is her coach rejected her because he loves his wife and would not do that. I really wasn’t mad
> and remained very calm and didn’t have much feeling toward her except someone who is morally flawed. Really surprising, but my view on her now is someone who is pretty weak minded and flawed beyond repair
> 
> The entire summary is she went outside of our marriage and tried to engage a married man. Only option is I can forgive this and trust her or move on. This EA would bug me for a long time if not forever and I don’t see me forgiving it. I don’t want to live on pins and needles wondering what’s going to happen next or get into petty vengeance because she is not worth it and mentally is is self destructive. Marriage is a sacred bond between two people and she destroyed that period.
> 
> Well I went back and told her I am moving into our lake house. Packed some of my stuff and was tying to leave and she grabbed my leg as I was dragging her to the door crying like crazy. She said why are you doing this to us, I love you. I said , your actions forced me to do this course of action. Really was pathetic. I told her I am living there until things calm down and plan the next steps.
> 
> I do feel better as power and stability is in my corner now. I control my own destiny not her.


Unfortunately for your wife she married better then you did. A fact that will probably become more and more clear to her. The fact that she has the audacity to say "YOU are doing this to us", just shows that she doesn't get it. The only thing worse then a spouse with poor boundaries is one that thinks it's an overreaction that you have a problem with that. This is just the natural consequences of her ****ty behavior and character. That site in my last post would help her as it would force her to look at herself and the book but really that is up to her to make the effort. Maybe now that she sees the damage she might. 

Better be prepared as lots of people are going to be feeding you that same line she is. Just make sure you forcefully remind them that it's her actions that caused this. Even still the people who tell you that, or try to suggest that you just get over it, I say **** them. It's your life, only YOU know what you can take. 

Like you, I would be afraid I would end up being vindictive. When I invariably met someone whom I had chemistry with and was tempted, the bond that helps to keep me in check would be gone. Since I won't cheat I'm afraid at that point I would again feel another great loss and probably would want to divorce anyway. Better to be free to pursue better options when they arrive. 

Once the bond is broken I don't know if you can get it back. I don't think in my case you can.


----------



## Yeswecan

There was intent. It was an affair no matter how your WW would like to paint it.


----------



## sokillme

dubsey said:


> Some perspective for you and her both.
> 
> In her mind, this happened 4 years ago. It's history. Distant history. You need to understand this when you think about it and talk with her about it.
> 
> For you, this just happened because you've only now found out about it. She needs to know this is all new to you, and you haven't had a chance to hurt and process this. Remind her of that. It is NOT history for you. It just happened for you, and she needs to understand, allow you time to grieve that what you thought you had is different than what you actually have with her.
> 
> Also, she needs to understand that it could very well be the only reason it wasn't physical was because the other dude was a stand up guy. Your wife can deny that she'd have never let it get that far, but she can't prove that's the case, and she needs to know that's something you're currently struggling with.


If she wants to get him back let her figure it out though. If she can't it's proof she is a bad choice. There are plenty of resources out there for her. Part of the problem with WS is that people are always coddling them, trying to explain their ****ty behavior when they aren't even concerned about it. If she is really so dumb as to not get that this is brand new for him she is really not safe to be married to IMO. Being a good spouse requires self awareness and empathy. Something that seems really lacking in this women. 

Just look at the difference in the two of them. She ****ed up yet here he is reaching out for help. You would think SHE would be reaching out for help. She doesn't even think she needs counseling even after all this. This is a great example of why WS just suck to be married to. 

Besides I am sure he has said it to her more then once. She needs to be the one who fixes it if she can.


----------



## 23cm

wilson said:


> Clearly this is a fundamental difference between you and your wife. While one part of reconciliation is that she fixes things, the other part would need to be for you to truly forgive her.. What's the point of staying together if hate over this issue is always burning inside of you? I think we all can understand your viewpoint.
> 
> I know this is an emotional time, but remember to keep in mind that the children are also involved. Even if you end up divorcing, try to do things in a way so that children still feel loved and protected. Sometimes the desire for retribution can be very powerful and may cause more damage than you intend. You sound like you're a great dad, but sometimes emotions can get the better of us.


I stayed in a train-wreck marriage for 10 years past the pull-date because "there were children involved." Waited until last kiddo was off to college and moved out. For the last two years, I'd be physically sick when I came home from work and waited for my wife to float in from whatever society hoop-de-do she'd been at wasting time and money. She was basically a SAHM but fancied herself a graphic designer and despite having no clients or jobs, was a big time designer amongst her clique. 

Later, my daughter confided, "D (brother) and I don't know how you stood it for the last couple years. Mom was awful." 

Lots of folks here will tell the OP that its better to raise kids in two separate homes than one dysfunctional one. Wish I'd known at the time.


----------



## sunsetmist

Would it help for OP to put his feelings, timeline reasoning, concerns, decisions in writing? It seems to me she is so stuck on her 'almost mistake' that she does not really HEAR and RESPECT his positions. Currently, she does not see herself as wayward. If she "loves' him she will do the hard work necessary, but first she has to understand his perspective whether or not she agrees. 

Having lived with someone who always, always blamed others, I see the necessity of her recognizing her errors before anything else can take place. @tbone777$ has done well so far, but he needs to be fortified for battle. (Hope wife reading SI Wayward will help.)


----------



## TJW

sokillme said:


> The fact that she has the audacity to say "YOU are doing this to us", just shows that she doesn't get it.


I agree, and until she "gets it".... there's going to be no real way to reconcile. Many of her words take ownership, but a couple of things have now surfaced that make me see that she has a ways to go here.

She needs to be the one making the "investment".... of her time, her effort, her money, in finding out how to "get it".


----------



## Lila

tbone777$ said:


> .
> 
> My story. Been married 10 years with two children together. Our marriage for 10 years has been great, we do things together, have a good sex life and mange our finances well together.


I'm not going to comment on your issues with your wife since you've decided to end your relationship with her. However as someone currently going through a divorce I recommend you see a lawyer asap. 

Determine what your future parenting and financial obligations will look like as a divorced father. 

Figure out what you're responsible for during your separation.

Identify whether moving out of the house can disadvantage you prior to filing.

I know it could be very tempting but try to be as civil as possible during your divorce. The only people who benefit from a contentious one are your lawyers.


----------



## TAMAT

I think there are a few things you need to clarify before you attempt recovery or divorce.

* how does your W act with other men when you are not around.

* is this her only indiscretion. 

* was the OM really not involved, or did he just have better prospects at that time and an ability to be stealthy.

* why did she keep his contacts for all these years.

Get a polygraph to establish a baseline before tossing your family and marriage.


----------



## Beach123

Glad you're thinking clearly and regaining your power now.


She was so good at covering up - it's hard to say she didn't do it other times.

I think you're showing strength and courage.

Good work!


----------



## snerg

tbone777$ said:


> She told it me it was four years ago and she let it get out of hand. She said it was more of a fantasy /crush more than anything because they ran so much together. This guy is a coach and lot of guys/girls run with him but he keeps it strictly professional. The real thing that pisses me off if she told me I need to just forget about it. I don’t think she thinks it’s a big deal because it didn’t go to PE and it was over 4 years ago. *She said she would have never let it get that far*.


But it did get that far.




tbone777$ said:


> She said she was sad she lost her job at the time and was feeling lonely.


So....every time she feels sad and/or lonely she'll be on the prowl?


Sorry you are in this situation.

I'll give a shortened version of the list I usually give:
1) The affair is not nor will it ever be your fault
2) Lawyer. Today. Know your rights. Start the Divorce.
3) Counselor for you. One that has experience with infidelity. You're going to need to talk with someone about this
4) Eat.
5) Sleep (at least 8 hours a night if possible)
6) Drink water (avoid alcohol at this point, it won't help)
7) Get to gym and start working out - it helps the body, the mind, and the soul
8) Start to separate funds
9) 180 like your life depended on it.
10) Expose. Lies thrive in the dark. You've lived the life of a mushroom for 4 years (kept in the dark and fed bull schmidt)

Remember - if she "sees the light" and does what's required to help you and the marriage, there is no reason you can't entertain the thought of reconciliation.

Right now, you need to get you to a safe place (especially for your mind) where you can start to heal.


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## Beach123

The way she's so smug and just expects you to easily forgive her makes me VERY suspicious this isn't her only time she's pursued other men. Her attitude is too cavalier about this!

It's like she's just relieved you don't know what the truth is...


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## aine

tbone777$ said:


> Sorry, had to open another thread on this. Have to figure how to navigate with reply’s, etc.
> 
> My story. Been married 10 years with two children together. Our marriage for 10 years has been great, we do things together, have a good sex life and mange our finances well together.
> 
> Recently I ran into an old friend from college and grabbed a beer to chit chat. We asked about our how we have been, married, kids, etc. I told him I was married to “Beryl” and he said he knew her. My wife is a runner and is in a large running group that trains for marathons and he was also in the group. He then gave me a friendly warning that a few years back my wife sent some texts about how she had a crush on his friend in the same running group. His friend told him about the texts. Kind of shocked but I wanted to dig further.
> 
> Went into her phone and found the guy and some messages on Facebook Messger about 4 years ago with him. What I discovered is she was texting him at first about training because he is a trainer but she crossed the line when said she was attractive to him, loved a picture they took together after a race and how good they looked together and some other stuff. She stated she was confused because this has never happened to her before about being attaratced to someone other than her husband and that she loves her husband. The guy was actually a married stand up guy. He told her he was flattered she liked him but was uncomfortable talking about this and was happily married. He told her stick to chatting about running issues. He wife is so lucky. She immediately backtracked in chat at that point and said she only wanted to be friends. Chats after that point from him were strictly about running but she posts a like on everything he posts. He never puts like on any of her posts.
> 
> I confronted her about it and the usual BS. She said she made a mistake and and nothing happened and admitted to a EA even though it was one sided. She felt ashamed, stupid, and guilty as she should. I told her to go into her phone and delete all the messages and him as a friend. She told me it was 4 years ago and she dealt with it before it went to far and told me to forget about it and nothing physical ever happened and she would never let it happen.
> 
> Now I get the “I’m so sorry”routine and she loves me deeply and it will never happen again but what upsets me is she was the initiator and got rejected so who knows what would have happened if he took the bait.
> 
> Whole thing really pisses me off and part of me wants to throw her to he curb and the other part might be able to forgive her as a bad
> mistake and we have a family to consider but what kind of fool gives a free pass for her EA. I just think that is a liscense to steal.
> 
> My respect and trust for her now is severely diminished. I know myself and when I don’t respect or value someone I emotionally and physically cut it loose.
> 
> I do feel I need some time to evaluate to get past the anger and figure out my path forward
> 
> Thoughts?



i know this sucks but it is better you know because it appears to be that your wife has very poor boundaries. Nothing happened because the OM did not want it to happen! 

You must convey to your wife, the damage this has done to your trust level and that now you are not so sure of her or the marriage, better to let her have it, so she knows exactly where she stands if she pulls this crap again. 
Tell her, one more inkling of this BS and it will divorce papers no questions asked. You must step up be strong, don't let her see how it affects you emotionally.
Then you withdraw from her (no crying, begging pleading to understand), now is the time to let her see she is not all that, you can survive without her. Start doing things without her, go out, go gym, stay later at work, etc. In other words be prepared to lose this marriage to save it, she will have to come to you with more than a "sorry' it's all in the past , etc.

What gets me is how cheaters want it rug swept then they use the excuse of depression, we weren't getting on well, I lost my job, blah blah blah. It is all an BS excuse and an excuse for their own lack of accountability, remorse and responsibility, don't let her do this.


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## DjDjani

Make her take the polygraph test. Then you will know the real thruth about your marriage. And then you decide what to do next.


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## Beach123

DjDjani said:


> Make her take the polygraph test. Then you will know the real thruth about your marriage. And then you decide what to do next.


Until she pursues the next guy she's attracted to...


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## turnera

tbone777$ said:


> I discussed with her about the running group and she said she will only run with women from now on. Who knows if it’s true or not
> 
> One thing, she is always trying to push me into long distance running with her. I am in good shape and have a nice physical build but I like a
> Muscular build not a runner build. Not a knock on anyone just my preference. I will run about 7-8 miles per session but that is plenty for me. I told her I would run 5k-10k events with her but I have no passion to ever run a marathon which she keeps pushing. She runs 5-8 Marathons a year.
> 
> Runners can be fanatical about training which I respect. My wife is a running addiict, it’s her passion and she loves it. I think the reason she turned to this guy is because he is also a running fanatic and they share that together but she crossed the line and has some damaged thinking. I don’t run with her because she is a way higher cardio than me. The guy is actual not very good looking and she even admitted to that.
> 
> She said she admired him and his work ethic and was lonely because I don’t run with her. Still no excuse to go outside your marriage because I wouldn’t run with you, you kidding me.


You both work full time, you manage rental properties, you raise kids...AND she runs enough every day to do 5-10 marathons a year?

Where the hell is any time being spent on your marriage? Hint: It's not. When fanatacism bleeds into your marriage, something ELSE is being sacrificed. 

I'm not telling you to demand that she stop running (although you may want to consider whether she'd choose running over you). I'm telling you that your lack of focus on the marriage (both of you) is part of the problem and it most likely will lead to something else down the road unless you change something.

Get the book His Needs Her Needs and read it. You'll understand what I'm talking about. Then ask her to start reading it with you. As you work through the chapters, start having some discussions about where your marriage should be in your list of priorities and how to make healthy changes so that the two of you are nurturing the _marriage_, not outside interests. Plus, it's important for your kids to see you do this, because they'll grow up to be replicas of you.


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## Robert22205

She needs to read: Not Just Friends by shirley glass

Within the first 10 pages she'll realize that her behavior was absolutely inappropriate and very serious (based on studies etc not just opinion).


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## Beach123

Any update tbone?


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