# Sex life, and I being over sensetive.



## Gary h (Dec 23, 2019)

My wife and I have been married for 30 years. My sex drive is very high, and her's is very low. We can go a couple of months with out sex. I try to initiate or ask for sex, I am told I am putting her under pressure.
earlier on this year, I found out the had got close to a Co worker, she is adamant they did not sleep together but there was kissing and a fumble (her discription) I also found some sexting. It knocked me for 6. We are working through it and plan to stay together. We are also having counseling. In the lead up to this, our sex life went through the roof, at the time I was working away during the week, and when I came home at the weekend we would have sex 3 or 4 times, even doing things that she has refused to do in the past. All of a sudden it has dropped off again. I don't belive the 'affair' is still going on. My question is, although she has gone right off sex, I have discovered the she often uses her vibrator. Normally I have no problem with this, in fact we often uses it in sex. But the fact she is using it while refusing me sex has really upset me. I have not said anything to her yet. I have also started getting thoughts of 'so is she thinking of him while using it'. Am I over thinking this.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Gary h said:


> My wife and I have been married for 30 years. My sex drive is very high, and her's is very low. We can go a couple of months with out sex. I try to initiate or ask for sex, I am told I am putting her under pressure.
> earlier on this year, I found out the had got close to a Co worker, she is adamant they did not sleep together but there was kissing and a fumble (her discription) I also found some sexting. It knocked me for 6. We are working through it and plan to stay together. We are also having counseling. In the lead up to this, our sex life went through the roof, at the time I was working away during the week, and when I came home at the weekend we would have sex 3 or 4 times, even doing things that she has refused to do in the past. All of a sudden it has dropped off again. I don't belive the 'affair' is still going on. My question is, although she has gone right off sex, I have discovered the she often uses her vibrator. Normally I have no problem with this, in fact we often uses it in sex. But the fact she is using it while refusing me sex has really upset me. I have not said anything to her yet. I have also started getting thoughts of 'so is she thinking of him while using it'. Am I over thinking this.


Your wife likes sex just fine. She just doesn’t like it with you. 
When she thought you might divorce her for cheating she gave you all the sex you wanted. Now that she’s comfortable that you’re going nowhere she is back to normal. 
You have shown her how to treat you and you have nobody to blame but yourself if you keep putting up with this treatment.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Gary h said:


> earlier on this year, I found out the had got close to a Co worker, she is adamant they did not sleep together but there was kissing and a fumble (her discription) I also found some sexting.
> 
> In the lead up to this, our sex life went through the roof, at the time I was working away during the week, and when I came home at the weekend we would have sex 3 or 4 times, even doing things that she has refused to do in the past. All of a sudden it has dropped off again. I don't belive the 'affair' is still going on. My question is, although she has gone right off sex, I have discovered the she often uses her vibrator.
> 
> Am I over thinking this.


If anything, you're under thinking it.

First, adults screw. That's the reality. They were emotionally involved, there was sexting, they were in physical contact as opposed to an online only affair, and I find it extremely hard to believe they did noting more than kiss and fumble like inexperienced teenagers. These are fully fledged adults, not high schoolers. Typically, those who claim a kiss and fumble are admitting to the bare minimum that they have done. Trickle truth is a thing. And the sad part is those who get trickle truthed at least eventually get the truth. Some never do.

It's not uncommon for a sex life to pick up during an affair. The wayward spouse is in a heightened state of arousal, there's hysterical bonding, and new relationship energy transferring from the affair back to the primary relationship. Basically, he had her all turned on and you reaped some benefits.

She hasn't gone off sex. She still has a sex drive. She just doesn't want sex with you, so she'd rather use her vibrator and imagination.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I think it would be completely justified to tell her that she can’t refuse you and masterbate on the side. I had a similar arrangement with my Ex.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

No sir. You are NOT thinking about this ENOUGH.

Help me to understand. Just exactly what are you working through? She cheated on you. Has been refusing sex after a hysterical bonding period. She's masturbating and refusing you sex.

She has a sex drive. Just not for you.

Why should she change? you aren't drawing a line in the sand. She got away with infidelity (and if you think it was just some groping, ask anyone here about trickle truth and the iceberg)

Sorry to be blunt but I need some help understanding this. Just exactly what are you working on? She's got all the benefits and none of the responsibilities of being married to you. 

You need to know who you are sir. You need to stand up for yourself.

Some folks here are going to give you some TRUTHFUL and possibly painful advice.
Listen to them.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Gary h said:


> Am I over thinking this.



Sorry you had to go through this.

To answer your question... Nope. 

1. New guy starts giving her something emotional (or physical) she hadn’t had in some time. The situation is “dangerous” and ‘risky” so it amps up her sexual desire, adrenaline and other assorted neuro chemicals (see Ester Perel’s Mating in Captivity).

2. She doesn’t want to have to live with the fact that she slept with the guy so she fools around instead and then takes that energy home and releases it with you. 

3. She’s busted and starts hysterically bonding. And she’s realizing she may lose you and the affair guy and be broke and alone. Doesn’t want the shame of becoming a divorcee because of her cheating.

4. Fear of you leaving and guilt subsides so she quits bonding.

5. Resentment starts growing as she feels is trapped and is a victim of you. Nothing changed in the needs department, bucket empties slowly.

6. Go to step 1.

Is there true remorse and/or a genuine “I owe you better than this” mindset or is there are “can’t you drop it” or “it’ll never be good enough for you” mindset? The latter is dangerous because she still feels the affair was justified when in reality you haven’t gotten closure because you got the world’s biggest “sorry/not sorry.” 

Women don’t cheat unless they aren’t getting something, being spiteful, want an “out”, or are seeking validation. Why she did what she did needs to come out if it hasn’t already. And if you don’t get to the bottom of it, it could happen again. But in all honesty, affairs don’t happen in a vacuum so YOU need to do some introspection and see where you contributed as well. Some IC is probably warranted as well.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Gary, 

Dump her she is a cheater, got it on with another! Your a beta provider, and she knows thus. And she got to know him enough to give herself to him. 

Do you really wants seconds, as far as your wife is concerned. And going to settle for the scraps she will throw down to you? She is give it up to another. You must understand this. Move on a you deserve someone who loves you for you! 

Hold her accountable as she would do to you, and the price is divorce. She had not giving you a reason to stay with her why then are you wanting to save a marriage that you are living. 

Free yourself, go and find another YOU!! deserve this. Why settle for less.


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