# Terrible House Husband....



## JanelleMA (Apr 25, 2021)

Hello Ladies,
To be honest, I don't know what I need, weather I need advice or I just need to talk about how I feel somewhere. I'd like advice, but I'm not interested in ending my relationship and I feel like in the end that's all the advice I am given so maybe I'm just looking for support. 

I've been with my husband for 12 years. We have three kids, I'm pregnant with a fourth. We have VERY different styles of parenting, he comes off as very militaristic, very type A, everything in its place, heavy on the discipline. I am much more relaxed. I think discipline is important, but I'll let the kids play all day and clean up before bed whereas he has them clean up constantly kind of thing and can be harsh about it. I know this is part of the problem, as its always hard to try to integrate two such different styles. 
About three years ago, my husband lost his job and so I went back to work. We had agreed that I would be a stay at home mom when we had kids from the beginning of our marriage, so it was always meant to be temporary. Before I went back to work, we had a very traditional family, he worked full time and when he came home he relaxed and did very little around the house if anything. I was fine with that because I enjoyed taking care of the kids and the house and errands, it made me feel valued and I enjoyed spoiling him with meals and such. The problem is that now that I'm working again and he is home with the kids, I'm getting very resentful. He says he has insomnia, so he stays up till 3 in the morning or later playing console games. Then he gets up at around 7-8 and makes the kids breakfast, puts them outside to play and then takes naps with them between 12 and 4. When the kids napped was when I always worked on chores or other things that needed to be done. Its so frustrating because every time I call home during the day, usually 3 times or so randomly to say hi to the kids, hes always gaming. On my days off, I spend them cleaning and catching up on housework while hes playing games the entire day saying how he needs to destress. I don't get it. If he had started cleaning when I was home, I would have been cleaning along with him, but he just feels no need. Even if I watch TV, I usually have laundry or something to do, I just can't relax when there are things that need to be done. I feel like all of the pressure of the house, kids, and work are all on me and its just not what I signed up for. I know that makes me sound like the type A, but seriously I'm not. I'm talking about things like the kids not having a bath for a month, in fact I can't think of the last time he bathed them, or them wearing the same clothes for over a week till they are filthy and sleeping in the same clothes because he doesn't want to do laundry and changing clothes is "waistful" and all of their meals coming out of the freezer, fish sticks, corn dogs, chicken nuggets. When I get home, I know the kids have been either watching tv or outside by themselves all day so I feel obligated to spend time with them, try to engage, cook dinner, ect. Then he looses his mind over things like there being crumbs on the floor, or the kids water cups being on the wrong table, or the table not being cleaned, none of which he does, he makes the kids do it. I feel like he spends his life in his easy chair playing his game just making the kids clean. Like, I don't get why, if he has insomnia, he can't use the night time to do chores? the kids are in bed, no one is bugging him, but he says he just needs to destress. Literally, last weekend I deep cleaned the kitchen, the laundry room, the bathrooms....I don't think the bathroom had been done in a few months because its the kids and I don't use it so I hadn't seen it, it was gross. And all the while he sat and played his game, said I was getting stressed over nothing and needed to come relax. I said I was upset because I wanted a reasonably clean home and I felt like he was taking advantage and his answer was that I was doing what I wanted to do by cleaning so why should he feel bad about doing what he liked? And the real kicker is hes always complaining to my mom about how overworked he is, about how he just never gets a break and that I'm just not helping him so that she will come and get the kids for awhile. She asked him if he would take the opportunity to get things together while she had them and he laughed. He said Of course not, that was the only time he ever had to relax and so he was going to unwind on his game while he has a chance.

I know this is probably hard to understand, I just am so frustrated. I've tried talking about this with him, tried to be kinds about it, tried to discuss it. He says that since I'm the only one actually USING the kitchen, all the messes are mine and that I stress him out so much he needs his escape and so on, if I actually get upset he says I'm just pregnant and nothing I am feeling is real and I need to stop blaming him for my issues....at this point I'm just working on accepting it. I've told him I'm done, that when this baby is born in a couple months, I'm not going back to work and he needs to find a job. I just feel so frustrated, I don't know how to deal with it anymore, but I don't want to fight about it and whenever I bring it up hes super defensive and had an answer for everything. I just want him out of my house. I want to go home and take care of my kids.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Well, he does need to practice what he preaches. For the record, I do agree that the easiest way to keep a house reasonably clean is not to mess it up, so I am for his method of having the kids put things back as they go. I hate housework, and the way I manage it is to not leave anything laying around, basically. That's how he does too -- except he's not willing to do his share, so he's making everyone else do it. I think you need to talk to him about it. 

Let him continue to not let the kids pig out the house, but remind him they learn best by example, and he is the one not doing cleaning! The kids certainly need some clean clothes and a bath regularly. I agree with him tossing them outdoors and sounds like he's got them on some sort of schedule with a nap, which is all fine. He wears them out outside and then a nap. Nothing wrong with that. 

I don't see why since he likes to order them around, he doesn't want to order them into the shower. Try to find a time to go over these things with him. Tell him you've got to add hygiene to the schedule before someone reports you to child protective services for neglect.

I would hate him setting the example of doing nothing but playing games too. Hope he gets back to work soon???

My friend's husband worked diligently for decades (the ONLY thing he did to help them) and now he's quit (or so he told her - I don't believe anything he says) and he won't get a covid immunization, and my friend is a teacher, and she's just putting up with it. He's not doing F-all. He is just taking off and doing nothing but playing, which he already did a lot of before, rarely coming out of his room. Like you, she's resigned to put up with him, so she just tries to accept whatever craziness he does, like not allow tree trimmers, even when the branches are ripping the roof off. So be glad yours isn't also eccentric on top of everything else.


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## JanelleMA (Apr 25, 2021)

Lmao, that made me laugh. Yes, it could be worse. My issue isn't him kicking them outside, its that we home school them and I feel like they need some kind of teaching but instead they are either kicked outside, or sat in front of you tube leaning videos, there is no engagement. I feel like he just doesn't want to stop playing and kids need more than that. So I should just stop cleaning or helping out and let him do his thing? The oldest of my kids is 5, the youngest is 2 so the only time they really shower is when they are with us, and he only showers every couple of weeks because apparently hes not dirty. I told him no baths without supervision because of the two year old, so now no baths.


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## JanelleMA (Apr 25, 2021)

I know that the house is probably more me, I'm embarrassed about it and its probably more because for years I judged myself based on the state of the house and how happy my kids are, now I see the house and start to panic, don't want to let anyone in. It really is probably more of a me issue. I just feel like I worked really hard when I was home and he has just been using it as an excuse to chill. but maybe he felt the same way when I was home, I'll try not to be so judgemental.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'm not sure I'm clear on something here. You say your husband lost his job about three years ago. Is he planning to return to work? When you have the baby, who will be the wage earner and how will income be generated? I assume you will take maternity leave. Will you receive pay during that time?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

JanelleMA said:


> My issue isn't him kicking them outside,


Why not???? Are your relatively young children playing outside with no adult supervision?


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I don’t think men are geared towards staying at home. I know I couldn’t be successful at that and would probably end up depressed. Can he go back to work and you stay home? He’s slowly losing his dignity and self respect- don’t wait until it’s completely gone!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

He needs to pull his finger out now and get moving. A stay at home spouse/parent who does their job well is worth their weight in gold. One who doesn't is nothing more than a leech and dead weight.

Why is all of this on you? The first thing I'd be doing is hiring a cleaner to do the big things like floors/bathrooms. If hubby doesn't like it, he can either do it himself or go and pound sand.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

JanelleMA said:


> he only showers every couple of weeks because apparently hes not dirty.


And, you're actually pregnant by this schmuck? You have a strong stomach. 

Look, your husband is a crappy parent and it's obvious he has no idea how to parent. Your kids may as well be raised by wolves for all the good he is. 

The only thing stressing him out is the idea of working - at anything. He's addicted to his gaming and doesn't give a rat's patoot about your children's welfare.

You don't have 3 1/2 kids, you have 4 1/2. You've already lost respect for him and losing the love won't be far behind.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

He only showers every couple of weeks? He must smell not so pretty.


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## JanelleMA (Apr 25, 2021)

To address, firstly he actually keeps himself pretty clean, shaves regularly and washes up in the sink, brushes his teeth and all of that, he just doesn't shower where he can take a kid with him all the time which is why I said they are still taking baths. I started taking over their baths a couple of months ago so the kids do get a bath every couple of days, I just get frustrated that he wont. Yes, when I go home on maternity, he is supposed to be looking for a job and going back to work. He acts like its no big deal, but in truth he is afraid that he won't be able to find something or support us. CatholicDad hit it on the head about the self esteem, mostly because when he worked we were always ok, but things were super tight. I was very blessed and within 2 weeks of looking had a good paying job making more than double what we had ever made before and I think he has a bit of a complex because of it. I've told him I don't care, I can cook scratch, cloth diaper, breastfeed, coupon, I did before, but in his mind I think its a competition. 

So, right now, the plan is to get him back out of the house and working, and I think that would solve a lot of the resentment issues. Hes very good in other arias, home is just not his thing. I'm not sure weather its depression, frustration, or even just apathy. At this point, as I said, its been years and its not worth the arguments, I'm just feeling burnt out and have to make it the last couple of months.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Can you sit him down and tell him all the things you told us here?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

The reason people would tell you to leave him is because you are lowering your expectations of what a marriage partnership looks like, and he is taking advantage of that so he can do whatever he wants and not care about anyone except himself. It's human nature. 

Except that when you are an adult and agreed to be in a relationship with another person, you are supposed to also care about the needs of your partner who is depending on you. HE is NOT doing that at all. And if you continue to lower your expectations, then he is going to continue to take advantage of you. He's NOT going to wake up one day and decide that you and the kids deserve to have needs that interfere with what HE wants. 

So sometimes leaving (or being willing to leave) is the only way to get anyone's attention that you really mean business...especially when you have allowed them to think you will put up with their selfish behavior for YEARS. No one wants to give up gratifying themselves, especially when they've been indulging their own needs to the exclusion of anything else for so long. 

Your husband feels ENTITLED now. And that's a toddler's mentality (that we work pretty hard to break little kids of, but don't seem to expect more from adults). He's NOT going to give up what he's been allowed to do without a big fight. He wants HIS way, and he's manipulated his entire life into getting it, including you and your expectations.

You can keep nagging and harassing ("talking" to) him about it, but it doesn't sound like he's willing to be reasonable anymore about HOW adults and marriage partners are supposed to behave. So I don't know if there is any way to get through to him. You MUST be willing to face some kind of LOSS -- either of your marriage or your home (if you stay home after the baby, and wait for him to get a job) to show him you are done with his excuses...or else the loss will be more of your own expectations and YOUR needs and wants in your marriage.

Those are your choices.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

JanelleMA said:


> To address, firstly he actually keeps himself pretty clean, shaves regularly and washes up in the sink, brushes his teeth and all of that, he just doesn't shower where he can take a kid with him all the time which is why I said they are still taking baths. I started taking over their baths a couple of months ago so the kids do get a bath every couple of days, I just get frustrated that he wont. Yes, when I go home on maternity, he is supposed to be looking for a job and going back to work. He acts like its no big deal, but in truth he is afraid that he won't be able to find something or support us. CatholicDad hit it on the head about the self esteem, mostly because when he worked we were always ok, but things were super tight. I was very blessed and within 2 weeks of looking had a good paying job making more than double what we had ever made before and I think he has a bit of a complex because of it. I've told him I don't care, I can cook scratch, cloth diaper, breastfeed, coupon, I did before, but in his mind I think its a competition.
> 
> So, right now, the plan is to get him back out of the house and working, and I think that would solve a lot of the resentment issues. Hes very good in other arias, home is just not his thing. I'm not sure weather its depression, frustration, or even just apathy. At this point, as I said, its been years and its not worth the arguments, I'm just feeling burnt out and have to make it the last couple of months.


This sounds like a great plan!! I hope it works out!


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Yeah, Dwight D. Eisenhower (or insert favorite manly stud here) would have been a slacker if he was stuck at home with the kids.

Unemployment, porn, and video games- a deadly combination to men.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Even if he were the Spahn of Mrs Doutfire and Mr Mom, there would probably still be resentment and criticism.

No matter how good of a father a guy is, he will never be a mother. 

And no matter how good of a housekeeper he is and how bright and shining the house is, the vast majority of women breadwinners are going to become resentful and embittered and lose respect and admiration for a SAHD no matter how on-point he is with the kids and and the house. 

I’m sure it works for some people. But for the masses, it is a recipe for resentment and disdain no matter how great of a parent and house keeper a guy is.


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## MEA (Jul 12, 2021)

Did he ever get a job? You must be caring for the new baby by now.
I know there is a huge push for women to accept “househusbands,” but I could just never get on board with that. I’d rather be alone.
There is a natural and biological reason for women to stay home with a newborn infant. Everything from physical healing, to milk production, to hormones, to the baby needs no to be held a lot for reassurance and comfort by the person it just spent the first 9 months of its life growing within, and more.
Heck, sometimes I even get annoyed that I make more money than my husband and probably always will. It just doesn’t feel natural.
Anyway, I hope by now he has gotten a job and you are able to get your house back in order and nurse your new baby without the old grown man-baby griping in the background about his “relaxation time.”


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## Finewithneutral (Sep 27, 2021)

He sounds depressed to me. When I get overwhelmed and stressed, I shut down. Sounds to me like that might be what he is doing. But remember, stress & depression can have more to do with your own internal point of view and less to do with actual situations.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Trident said:


> He only showers every couple of weeks? He must smell not so pretty.


Would depend where they live.
In Florida it would be nasty, in Alaska not so much.

@OP
Would point out, after being a househusband for 3 years you aren't entitled to child support or alimony, but as you are working he would be. You might want to ease back on the nagging.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@JanelleMA

How's it going? Is your new baby born yet? It's been a while and I'm wondering if you are ok and if any of your issues have been addressed?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

oldshirt said:


> Even if he were the Spahn of Mrs Doutfire and Mr Mom, there would probably still be resentment and criticism.
> 
> No matter how good of a father a guy is, he will never be a mother.
> 
> ...


I 100% agree. Why is he out of work for 3 years? Just because your income is good, doesn’t mean it’s a good idea for the family fir him to be a SAHD 

We men are not meant to do this for more than a short season. Your husband probably ashamed and feels like he’s less of a man so he’s losing he self into a make believe world of gaming. I suspect that even if he were doing a good job with the kids and chores, that you would still feel resentful. The resentment comes with loss of respect and everyone know that a woman can’t love a man she doesn’t respect.

I actually commend you for having such patience with your husband. For the sake of the family, your husband has to get back to work. Even if he makes less than you do, this must happen. Your family needs you more than they need the extra income.


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