# Husband announces going away on guy's weekend 4 days before move



## robynjoy (Jul 31, 2014)

We are moving house/cities on Friday. This weekend happens to be the weekend of my DH's annual guy's weekend away. We tried to get a different close date, but the buyer insisted on this date. 

Backstory: DH runs a struggling business. I work 3/4 time and provide the main and stable household income. When I found out my workplace was facing a massive deficit budget I started looking and found a full-time job in another city. Talked about it thoroughly with DH - was clear with him that it was a couple decision, and I would only take the job if he was on board. He arrived at yes before I did, but, said he couldn't help get the house ready for sale or help with packing because it was the make or break year for his business. He promised to be there for the move (me assuming this mean..well, that he would be there for the move). Also, we are having marital problems, which are not helped by our financial problems. I had hoped this new job would reduce some of the strain in our marriage (from my perspective - I'm fed up with the contempt and rages and this kind of teenage behaviour).

When he told me he wanted to go away on his annual's guy weekend, I said are you flippin' kidding me? That he was an indispensable part of the family, that I needed him and our 3 kids do too. That I actually couldn't cope with all this on my own, and that it was inexcusable to be dumping this in my lap. Basically, his mantra: he doesn't see that it's a big deal, and that nothing I say will change his mind. When my mother-in-law found out (she is helping with the move) she apparently spoke to him in no uncertain terms to step up to the plate. He feels he needs a rest.

I've gone over the whole "I statement" thing, telling him my feelings, expressing my need, blah blah blah. He's going.

I frankly think this marriage is heading to divorce, although not in the next 6 months - giving it that time for the counselling he's agreed to, and if it fails, that time also helps our poor kids settle into a new school, new community before dropping this bombshell.

I'm curious to hear how those of you on this board would respond (in the short term) when he comes to our new home at the end of the guy's weekend?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

is there some sort of compromise, like he can box all the stuff up before the move, then go on the weekend and let the movers take it from there?

Sounds like he either has a lot of stress and needs to unwind before he blows his top, OR he is a selfish lout


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## robynjoy (Jul 31, 2014)

He's going away for three days. The movers come on Friday, I suggested he stay until Saturday afternoon and join the guys for the rest of the weekend. So, a way he can do his part as one of the adults in this relationship, and get the rest he says he needs. (Although he watches 3 hours of tv every night, whereas I've been working non-stop until late every night getting ready for the move).


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

It is kind of hard for me personally to say because I am floored that the man of the house would even THINK of moving his family without, well, actually moving his family. I know you don't want to cut off your nose to spite your face but the moment he announced he was going anyway the move would have been over for me. And it would have been, then you take over this situation and where we go from here. If I lose my job I will look for another based on what you decide and execute. 

But anyway since its too late for that I think once moved I would sit down together and let him know as calmly as possible how much what he did sucks and don't be surprised if this causes resentment in me that will put this marriage in jeopardy. After all I am only human and this kind of selfish disregard is not something I will be able to put behind me without affecting our relationship.

Honestly everybody hates moving (probably even movers) but I have known some trifling men in my huge extended family but I have never seen a man abandon his wife/SO during a move so he can hang witht the boys.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

He sounds selfish and a bit lazy too. He should be doing more to help out the family financially and stay there and help with the move. There will be other weekends to be with the boys. I don't blame you for being upset.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

He's going on this guy's weekend because he _knows_ that you'll pick up his slack. He takes for granted that he doesn't have to be an adult who handles adult responsibilities, because he knows that he has you for that. This is disrespectful of you as a wife, as a partner, even as a person in general. Despite his apparent belief, you're neither his mother nor a member of his staff. 

I think I'd be pretty tempted to make it very clear to him that I planned to move myself and the children (and any household items I actually wanted) to the new house, but that he was responsible for moving (or not, his choice) his things. I would then do exactly that - leave every [email protected] stick and stitch of his belongings right where they sit in the old house. But, you know, I'm just kinda like that, so YMMV.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I would just move his stuff to the garage, not caring if anything accidently got broken, paint the master bedroom a beautiful shade of pink, and pretty much ignore his needs for awhile.

But, I can be petty that way.


When my ex moved out, he pretty much hand picked what to take. So I packed up the rest of his stuff....and included every piece of junk, old mail, paper trash, etc. in his boxes. He called me this year.... almost ten years later, asking if I know where his birth certificate is! LOL..... worked for me.


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## robynjoy (Jul 31, 2014)

Oh my goodness. Your responses made me lol -truly. My favourite was the idea of paint the MBedroom pink.

It's pretty awful, but given the circumstances I appreciate the laughs.

Truthfully, I think he is trying to force a divorce. Or, he is completely and totally out to lunch as to what is normal in adult relationships. Both explanations are equally possible. I don't need to know the answer this weekend.

Friends are stepping forward to help out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just move all of YOUR stuff. Leave his at the old house. He is then free to do whatever he wants with it. But it's no longer your problem.

And thank God you're getting a full-time job so you can afford to divorce him.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Sounds like he resents your full-time job while his business is failing and for causing the family to relocate and is taking it out on you by withdrawing to the guys weekend. 

We had to move from one-state to another, and the weekend of the move happened to be the weekend my mother died, and she lived in yet a third state. My now-ex said he wasn't up to handling the logistics of the move and left it to me. Did I mention he was my ex? This wasn't the reason for the D, but it was definitely the start of a huge downward spiral. I hope you fare better.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I was actually going to say the same thing most here have said. It may not be optional to leave his stuff since the new buyers may (don't know law) have some recourse if they have to remove things. BUT I'd be careless in packing his stuff (or tell him he has to pack his stuff before he leaves for boys weekend - his clothing, toiletries, memorabilia, business stuff) and put it in a storage unit and move into the new place by myself and not give him a key to the new house. Instead give him a key to his storage unit. I'm sure one of the 'boys' can give him a sofa for a few days until he can rent an apartment.

Being oblivious or stressed is no excuse. I'm all for keeping with traditions like boys weekend but there are times that life gets in the way. This is one of them and a marriage is a partnership and both should be contributing to something as big as a move. 

It seems like he made his choice. He knows the marriage is in trouble otherwise there'd be no MC. Yet right now, when he should be trying his hardest to make it work, he's bailing.

I think it would be LESS traumatic to tell the kids now and tell them Dad isn't moving with you guys and that you don't have everything figured out (like visitation) but as soon as you and H figure it out, you'll share that with them - just too much is currently undecided.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

btw, when he says he 'needs' it because he's stressed, what he is really saying is "I know you're a pushover so I'm gonna keep doing whatever I want, since I know you'll never say no and you'll never leave me."

Prove him wrong.

Now is the perfect time to leave him in the old town.


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

robynjoy said:


> We are moving house/cities on Friday. This weekend happens to be the weekend of my DH's annual guy's weekend away. We tried to get a different close date, but the buyer insisted on this date.
> 
> Backstory: DH runs a struggling business. I work 3/4 time and provide the main and stable household income. When I found out my workplace was facing a massive deficit budget I started looking and found a full-time job in another city. Talked about it thoroughly with DH - was clear with him that it was a couple decision, and I would only take the job if he was on board. He arrived at yes before I did, but, said he couldn't help get the house ready for sale or help with packing because it was the make or break year for his business. He promised to be there for the move (me assuming this mean..well, that he would be there for the move). Also, we are having marital problems, which are not helped by our financial problems. I had hoped this new job would reduce some of the strain in our marriage (from my perspective - I'm fed up with the contempt and rages and this kind of teenage behaviour).
> 
> ...


request a housing inspection a few days prior to closing to make sure everything is good with the house

postpone the move and just have everything packed up and ready to go in your old house. tell dh since he's going on his guys trip he will have to do most of the moving when he gets back and you will be at the spa for 3 days to unwind or hangout with your girlsfriends

you have to turn a simple conflict into a win-win situation for the couple. problems and differences are bound to arise, but how you two solve them and deal with them is a key element in how well you be a couple.

the problem you noted is not a big problem. 

there are underlying reasons and problems that deserve more attention.

do yourself and your family a favor and solve those underlying problems and learn to deal with problems. if you don't develop good problem solving skills, communication, introspective and interpersonal skills you could have problems even if you divorce and meet x number of individuals.

all the best. and remember closing doesn't mean you have to move that day. it just means that the title has legally transferred to your family.


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## robynjoy (Jul 31, 2014)

Thanks everyone. The truth is, I'm heartbroken. I can't believe my husband - let alone anyone - could be so cruel and provocative. I just had a good heaving cry. Weeping, more to the point.

I am giving the counseling 6 months, because I need to do that for myself and so I can look my kids in the eyes, knowing I tried everything. But this behaviour is so extraordinarily appalling, I don't hold out much hope for this marriage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

bjchristian said:


> request a housing inspection a few days prior to closing to make sure everything is good with the house
> 
> postpone the move and just have everything packed up and ready to go in your old house. tell dh since he's going on his guys trip he will have to do most of the moving when he gets back and you will be at the spa for 3 days to unwind or hangout with your girlfriends


Perfect solution.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Well, I'm with others here... 

I'd hand him some empty boxes and crates. 
Then I'd brandish my new flamethrower and give him a demo on some junk. 
Then I'd tell him to pack his own stuff before he goes or you'll be happy to give him the ashes when he comes back. They'll take up far less room. 


I guess it's mean streak day.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

robynjoy said:


> We are moving house/cities on Friday. This weekend happens to be the weekend of my DH's annual guy's weekend away. We tried to get a different close date, but the buyer insisted on this date.
> 
> Backstory: DH runs a struggling business. I work 3/4 time and provide the main and stable household income. When I found out my workplace was facing a massive deficit budget I started looking and found a full-time job in another city. Talked about it thoroughly with DH - was clear with him that it was a couple decision, and I would only take the job if he was on board. He arrived at yes before I did, but, said he couldn't help get the house ready for sale or help with packing because it was the make or break year for his business. He promised to be there for the move (me assuming this mean..well, that he would be there for the move). Also, we are having marital problems, which are not helped by our financial problems. I had hoped this new job would reduce some of the strain in our marriage (from my perspective - I'm fed up with the contempt and rages and this kind of teenage behaviour).
> 
> ...


1. Sorry you married a boy dressed as a man. A real man is the rock for his family. He'd be the first to cancel his guy's trip or reschedule it without your prompting. He should be leading this endeavor.
2. If he still persists on going. Tell him to call you when he's done to see if you want to give him a key to the house that YOU alone moved into.

I've NEVER seen a move that didn't take the entire family. EVER.

The only way I could possibly see that is a very wealthy family that hires people to do the move 100% for the family.


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## robynjoy (Jul 31, 2014)

Note to BjChristian: your solutions would be great, if they were options. The problem is, he was onboard for the move until late Monday night of this week, and we move tomorrow. He gave me three days notice, essentially. There was no way of switching movers at this late date - we booked just over a month ago and even then it was a stretch. We can't delay our move: we have to be out of here by 2 p.m. tomorrow, and we signed that contract two months ago, with my husband's full support.

The issue, for me, is his springing this on me so last minute when there were no easy compromises like the ones you are suggesting. I thought I proposed a reasonable compromise, actually: help with the move on Friday, bring the kids to the new home with me on Saturday, and then go up to join the guys for the rest of the long weekend. But he told me he was going to have it his way, and it didn't matter what I said.

And this is a pattern in our marriage, of his bailing on me and the kids at the last minute - often leaving me in a terrible lurch. And saying, essentially: "Tough. I'm going to do this anyway."


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Which is exactly why I said earlier that he does this because he knows you'll be the grown-up and pick up his slack. He's also learned, apparently from repeated experience, that there will be no real consequences for him for pulling this particular brand of bullsh!t. You've taught him he can get away with stuff like this this, _by letting him get away with stuff like this_. 

I still vote for leaving his crap where it sits. Or, if it absolutely has to be out of the current house, paying a couple high school kids (I wouldn't supervise them too closely) to put it all in a storage unit near your current home. Hand him the key to the unit when he comes home to the new house on Monday and let him figure out how to get his stuff moved.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I bet he apologizes next time he tries to have sex with you.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

robynjoy said:


> Note to BjChristian: your solutions would be great, if they were options. The problem is, he was onboard for the move until late Monday night of this week, and we move tomorrow. He gave me three days notice, essentially. There was no way of switching movers at this late date - we booked just over a month ago and even then it was a stretch. We can't delay our move: we have to be out of here by 2 p.m. tomorrow, and we signed that contract two months ago, with my husband's full support.
> 
> The issue, for me, is his springing this on me so last minute when there were no easy compromises like the ones you are suggesting. I thought I proposed a reasonable compromise, actually: help with the move on Friday, bring the kids to the new home with me on Saturday, and then go up to join the guys for the rest of the long weekend. But he told me he was going to have it his way, and it didn't matter what I said.
> 
> And this is a pattern in our marriage, of his bailing on me and the kids at the last minute - often leaving me in a terrible lurch. And saying, essentially: "Tough. I'm going to do this anyway."


And what was the impact to him when he did it in the past?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> I bet he apologizes next time he tries to have sex with you.


I bet he assumes that if she has sex with him again, that everything must be hunky-dory and that there's nothing for him to apologize for....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'll tell you what my IC told me - for years - for dealing with a husband like yours: Take the control out of his hands. Stop relying on him. Hire someone so that you no longer need to wait for him to follow through. Make him irrelevant so that he loses the ability to stress you out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SadSamIAm said:


> I bet he apologizes next time he tries to have sex with you.


Oh, of course.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

My H has actually done this very thing - several times. The worst was when our son was born premature, just a few weeks before we were moving. He was just home from the hospital and we were packing up to move when my husband.....went on a weeklong fishing trip with his father! He was actually supported in this decision by his parents.

Some of his behavior was simply passive-aggressive: "I'm an independent person and have a right to make my own decisions about my own life and I'm not changing my plans to suit anyone else!" = the mantra in his head that is never quite spoken aloud.

Some of his behavior was really just part of his calculus about how far he could push the envelope in a relationship before it would break. He knew that some of what he was doing would result in hurt and upset, but seemed to think that if he 'weathered the storm of protest,' then it would just blow over. This allowed him to do what he wanted on all fronts - pursue whatever activity he was interested in and also keep his marriage. Cake-eating 101.

(At one point, he gave me a truly interesting window into this when he told me that he had resigned himself to 'living with my unhappiness.' Poor man would do things to make a saint unhappy and then have to suffer listening to my upset. Sniffle, sniffle....)

I do think that part of this in your case is, in fact, passive-aggressive. It is often the one who is not driving the move, i.e., the one who is the 'trailing spouse,' who actually is resentful internally and will act out. A lot of lip service is given to how OK the move is, but in reality there is resentment.

So, your H is taking a stand. He thinks the move is generated by what you want, so he's going to do what he wants.

(I would also have to wonder what they are actually doing on this guys' trip to make him so completely desperate to not miss a minute of it.)

As for me, OP, I learned how to handle these things eventually. In my case, my H would often blindside me at the last minute, so it took me a while to figure out how to respond. I have learned how to anticipate and how to simply make my own requirements very clear in advance. I wouldn't let this 'blow over' now.


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## robynjoy (Jul 31, 2014)

People are giving me lots to think about.

In response to some of the comments: I've been an enabler, and it's taken me ridiculously long to realize it. 

Partly, I've just never been able to deal with someone so...unreasonable. I've been out of my depths, and feeling helpless as I didn't want divorce. But honestly, I tried more moderate consequences (ineffective) but only this past spring when I told him he needed to come to counseling because i was ready to divorce did he finally act. But of course...we've got years of unhealthy behaviours to undo, on both sides, and I fear it's now too late. 

Alte dame: wow. I could relate to your story. Word for word. And I too have learned to spell out my expectations and it's helped, but honestly, there are ones that I just don't think to nail down. It seems deeply unhealthy that I should have to spell out for my H how to meet reasonable expectations in an adult relationship. And yes, this feels like sabotage and his digging his heels in. He often says: "You always get your way," which is patently not true (his taking on his business 3 years ago was very much against my wishes - and he knew it - because of the financial risks involved. the consequences of which, ironically, are the very reason why we're moving, since he is not bringing in an income and someone has to or we won't eat!) 

But obviously, he feels I always get my way. I haven't been able to figure out why and he won't tell me.

Turnera: I tried that route, which is making plans expecting he won't "show up". But this has meant my taking on more and more responsibilities to pick up on his slack, which is also, I suspect, how we ended up where we are today. I have made him irrelevant, which may explain why he says he feels i don't treat him like an adult. Although of course, when i try to hold him to account, he will not respond. Unless I threatened to kick him out, I suppose? But who wants to live like that - having to threaten all the time. And then, if you don't follow-through, the threat loses its force.

Anyway, people have given me lots to think about. Thanks.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

turnera said:


> Perfect solution.


If it can be done. States vary in their laws on this.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

FWIW, OP, my H has changed a lot as he's grown older. The self-justifying narcissism is in large part replaced by a more thoughtful, considerate man. So, some of this could be just the growing pains of a narcissistic personality.

I can also say that I, too, experienced for many years the OUTRAGE of being told that I was imposing my will on him. I recall telling some friends about this as we sat together in my kitchen in a country that I had moved to for his job. I was taking one of many forced days off from my own job because my children were sick and we had no daycare in said country. H was away conferencing at a ski resort (LOL) and saw no reason to come home to help. That particular week, the car had a flat tire as I tried to get the kids to the doctor. As I recall, it was raining hard that day....and on it went.

Anyway, my friends were in paroxysms of laughter at the idea that i 'imposed my will' on him.

For my H in those years, any compromise was viewed as imposing my will or getting my way. He made fun of my pleas to work as partners. For him, compromise solutions meant that he had given in to what I wanted. Any small concession I got out of him - e.g., he would help with the food shopping while I did the extracurricular kiddie activity duty - was seen as proof that I was a bully.

This was actually a very effective bullying tactic on his part, truth to tell. By being so indignant in this twisted way, he managed to get a lot of what he wanted.

In the end, though, he appears to have wanted his family. This sort of thing really doesn't happen anymore. I drew many lines in the sand and our children got old enough to tell him themselves where to get off.

My H grew out of this. I don't know if you want to wait to see if yours does the same.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

My ehx was similar to this as well... and he never grew out of it, it just became worse ... even after the D his behavior has continued in this manner, like a spoiled child. Most people dont change without a lot of effort...I feel for you OP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm in the "just put his stuff in storage" and you move group.

Don't give him a key to the new place.

when he wants to come to the new place, tell him to call up his buddies. I'm sure they have a couch or two.


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## JASON58 (Jul 26, 2014)

Leaving all his stuff is a very bad idea, you may get the divorce sooner then expected, you never want to mess with guys stuff...
Let him have his time, i have never had movers move me, so boxing up is the easy part, let the movers do the rest..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So she's supposed to just let her husband abandon her when she really needs him? This is a guy who is already walking all over her. :scratchhead:


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## JASON58 (Jul 26, 2014)

Abandonment seems to me like its a bit of a stretch for 4 days...its not like she has to start carrying out furniture, they have hired movers.
Anybody can box up the contents of a house, and i am sure if she ask family for some help they would also.. 

There is no-doubt much more going on then just a 4 day trip..I have found with women something trivial will set them off, and come to find out, it is something that happen months ago..Why do they do that...lol If the marriage was a good one, this 4 day with the guys would not be as bad as it seems.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Something trivial? You must not have ever moved. Why so bitter? I think a guys weekend is more trivial than a family move to a different city. But to each his own. I would feel hurt and abandoned as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JASON58 (Jul 26, 2014)

golfergirl said:


> Something trivial? You must not have ever moved. Why so bitter? I think a guys weekend is more trivial than a family move to a different city. But to each his own. I would feel hurt and abandoned as well.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


its not trivial when you do it all yourself...they have hired movers I have moved 3 times, no movers, boxing and heavy lifting on my own, 
if i could afford movers, i would box up items , call the movers and then go fishing for a few days..


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

JASON58 said:


> its not trivial when you do it all yourself...they have hired movers I have moved 3 times, no movers, boxing and heavy lifting on my own,
> if i could afford movers, i would box up items , call the movers and then go fishing for a few days..


Moved a family or just yourself?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

JASON58 said:


> its not trivial when you do it all yourself...they have hired movers I have moved 3 times, no movers, boxing and heavy lifting on my own,
> if i could afford movers, i would box up items , call the movers and then go fishing for a few days..


Did you also look after 3 kids when you moved? There is a difference.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JASON58 said:


> Abandonment seems to me like its a bit of a stretch for 4 days...its not like she has to start carrying out furniture, they have hired movers.
> Anybody can box up the contents of a house, and i am sure if she ask family for some help they would also..


It's his household that is being moved. It's his job to do it, not the job of family and friends. 

I don't know how much stuff the OP has, but if I had to box up everything in my house it would take be many days 7-14. IT's a HUGE job. The OP works for a living. Her husband does not work.... he's putting all the burden on her.



JASON58 said:


> There is no-doubt much more going on then just a 4 day trip..I have found with women something trivial will set them off, and come to find out, it is something that happen months ago..Why do they do that...lol If the marriage was a good one, this 4 day with the guys would not be as bad as it seems.


I find it unbelievable that you think it's ok for a man to leave his wife alone with their children to pack up an enter house and move. And then you blame the wife for being upset that she's left to pack on her own.

:scratchhead:


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Yh I'm firmly in the camp of let him make arrangement's to get his stuff packed and moved.


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## JASON58 (Jul 26, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> It's his house hold that is being moved. It's his job to do it, not the job of family and friends.
> 
> I don't know how much stuff the OP has, but if I had to box up everything in my house it would take be many days 7-14. IT's a HUGE job. The OP works for a living. Her husband does not work.... he's putting all the burden on her.
> 
> ...


I guess i failed to see how much time they had to prepare to move..it doesn't sound like they had much time, before selling and closing date.
A good week or 10 days one person could box all that is needed..He could have been doing this if there was enough time before moving.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JASON58 said:


> I guess i failed to see how much time they had to prepare to move..it doesn't sound like they had much time, before selling and closing date.
> A good week or 10 days one person could box all that is needed..He could have been doing this if there was enough time before moving.


It does not matter how much time they had to move. It's his house and his children as well. He should be pulling his weight in something as big as a move. Having to pack and watch the children at the same time should not be put completely on his wife.


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## JASON58 (Jul 26, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> It does not matter how much time they had to move. It's his house and his children as well. He should be pulling his weight in something as big as a move. Having to pack and watch the children at the same time should not be put completely on his wife.


Time is everything, if he had the time he could have 99 percent of it packed up and ready to move, he could have did this through the day while she was working..then he would have earned the right to leave for 4 days..

I dont need to have my wife look over my shoulder to pack up a house contents, i can do it on my own..if i am given enough time.

I once built a 10x12 shed while looking after my two small kids while i was on holidays and my wife was working..yes it was hard but it got done..


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Speaking as a guy... If I left my wife to move while I buggered off with the boys, I'd expect to come back and find all my stuff moved into the nearest dumpster. No matter how much time he had to prepare, or how much he did in advance, his place is with the family as they move. 

Funny thing about "annual trips"... They happen every year. There'll be another one about this time next year. It wouldn't kill him to miss it. 

For that matter... Wonder what he would have done if she was 9 months pregnant, move or no move. His priority is himself first, family second. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

He doesn't respect you. leave his things right where they are. do not pack them or transport them.

load up your stuff, the family stuff, the kids stuff and go start a new life in a new city with a new job.


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

robynjoy said:


> Note to BjChristian: your solutions would be great, if they were options. The problem is, he was onboard for the move until late Monday night of this week, and we move tomorrow. He gave me three days notice, essentially. There was no way of switching movers at this late date - we booked just over a month ago and even then it was a stretch. We can't delay our move: we have to be out of here by 2 p.m. tomorrow, and we signed that contract two months ago, with my husband's full support.
> 
> The issue, for me, is his springing this on me so last minute when there were no easy compromises like the ones you are suggesting. I thought I proposed a reasonable compromise, actually: help with the move on Friday, bring the kids to the new home with me on Saturday, and then go up to join the guys for the rest of the long weekend. But he told me he was going to have it his way, and it didn't matter what I said.
> 
> And this is a pattern in our marriage, of his bailing on me and the kids at the last minute - often leaving me in a terrible lurch. And saying, essentially: "Tough. I'm going to do this anyway."


If he forced your hand, make him sign a piece of paper saying that there will be no guys trip next year, b/c it's about give and take.

Try to put this behind you and work on your man issues before you reach the point of no return.

Next year show the piece of paper to him when he wants to go on his trip. Tell him to man up.


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

Next time he needs sex tell him to call up his buddies....hahahaha


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bjchristian said:


> If he forced your hand, make him sign a piece of paper saying that there will be no guys trip next year, b/c it's about give and take.
> 
> Try to put this behind you and work on your man issues before you reach the point of no return.
> 
> Next year show the piece of paper to him when he wants to go on his trip. Tell him to man up.


She needs for him to take responsibility for this move and do his part now. It's not about restricting him from going out for a weekend next year. How exactly does that help her get moved this week? :scratchhead:

Do you really think he'd sign anything? Even if he did, do you really think he'll abide by it next year? Let's remember this is the guy who is so selfish that he will not help support his family and he will not take responsibility for a very necessary family move. A non-binding signed paper is not going to mean anything to him.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

He didn't help with prep and packing - he said he needed to de-stress and relax. She allowed him that provided he help with move. Now he's backing out on that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> He didn't help with prep and packing - he said he needed to de-stress and relax. She allowed him that provided he help with move. Now he's backing out on that.


:iagree: Some of the excuses being made for him are just amazing.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

JASON58 said:


> its not trivial when you do it all yourself...they have hired movers I have moved 3 times, no movers, boxing and heavy lifting on my own,
> if i could afford movers, i would box up items , call the movers and then go fishing for a few days..


Well, they signed a contract two months ago and his business is going down the tubes so there can't be a lot of work yet he has NOT packed anything. He expects his wife to pack his clothing, his memorabilia, his home office/business stuff, his toiletries.

I have moved with movers, too. And I got ripped off because I was a woman. It was taking a bit longer than it should (they were strolling with no sense of urgency) and once it was all loaded they demanded pay before driving to the new location and unloading and since it took four hours to load, they wanted me to pay for eight hours total ( Everyone knows UNloading takes much less time) and they weren't going to drive over there and unload and said if I didn't they were going to take the truck to their office lot and leave it there, locked and I'd be charged a storage fee until I paid in advance. So I'm trying to phone the company and raise hell with three huge, beefy, scary looking men standing there. The home office told me the same thing. They did concede it would take less time to unload and I paid for 7 hours hoping like heck they actually drove to the new location and unloaded my stuff. They did and boy were they able to unload. They did it in 2.5 hours but of course I didn't get any money back. Also I left my purse in a kitchen cabinet and $100 in cash was stolen. 

I guarantee you that had a man been there with me there'd be no such crap going on.

So yes, the MAN of the house IS necessary to attend to the business of moving. Her H is expecting her to pack, supervise, pay, direct them (they don't know where you want the sofa/dining table/hutch/dresser/etc.) AND watch three children - moving can be dangerous with smaller ones under foot.

He bailed on his husbandly/fatherly/MANly duties.


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## robynjoy (Jul 31, 2014)

> She needs for him to take responsibility for this move and do his part now. It's not about restricting him from going out for a weekend next year. How exactly does that help her get moved this week?
> 
> Do you really think he'd sign anything? Even if he did, do you really think he'll abide by it next year? Let's remember this is the guy who is so selfish that he will not help support his family and he will not take responsibility for a very necessary family move. A non-binding signed paper is not going to mean anything to him.


Elegirl knows my husband. He either would not sign, and even if he did he would find a way to get out of it - some escape clause. Frankly, BJChristian, I find this suggestion ludicrous. The very problem in this marriage is this infantilization of our relationship - where he behaves like an adolescent and not a grown, responsible man, and I chase after him and lecture him about his place in the family or pick up after him, like his mother. It is dysfunctional, and getting him to "sign an agreement" like a sticker chart for a young boy is ludicrous.

It's becoming clear to me that my H has to decide if he wants to be a bachelor or an H. And for me, it has to be closer to an egalitarian style partnering, not a 1950's one where the H works, brings in the bacon (which honestly, my H barely does), and golfs while the little wifey looks after the house and kids at home. Although heck, I would settle for traditional if he would provide for our family and not expect me to do all the running of the household while also working full-time. For Pete sake, the man doesn't even do the traditional "Blue" jobs, like shoveling or mowing the lawn. He says he will do it, and then doesn't.

I work full-time too: it's not my laundry, it's our laundry; it's not my kids, it's our kids; it's not my groceries, it's our groceries; it's not my outdoor work, it's our outdoor work. There are two adults in this household.

H needs to decide what he wants. I am not going to nag him anymore, or get him to sign "agreements." He needs to choose: does he want the freedom and independence of bachelorhood? Or does he want the privileges and responsibilities of marriage? At this point, I just want him to choose what he really wants and frankly let us both be freed and healthier by whatever his choice is.

And I need to stop enabling his behaviour.

Getting him to "sign an agreement" is an incredibly bizarre proposal. Your last ideas were good, but this last one...just blatantly encourages marriage dysfunction.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

alte Dame said:


> I do think that part of this in your case is, in fact, passive-aggressive. It is often the one who is not driving the move, i.e., the one who is the 'trailing spouse,' who actually is resentful internally and will act out. A lot of lip service is given to how OK the move is, but in reality there is resentment.
> 
> So, your H is taking a stand. He thinks the move is generated by what you want, so he's going to do what he wants.


I meant to bring this up, too. He is working up a business, but he's being expected to move to another town? How's that supposed to work? And as bad as it sounds, when a MAN has to move for a WOMAN's job, well, we all know how that goes. I can just hear his friends on this trip. Don't be surprised if HE comes home and says he's not coming with you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

robynjoy said:


> Turnera: I tried that route, which is making plans expecting he won't "show up". But this has meant my taking on more and more responsibilities to pick up on his slack, which is also, I suspect, how we ended up where we are today. I have made him irrelevant, which may explain why he says he feels i don't treat him like an adult. Although of course, when i try to hold him to account, he will not respond. Unless I threatened to kick him out, I suppose? But who wants to live like that - having to threaten all the time. And then, if you don't follow-through, the threat loses its force.


Well, who wants to live being constantly DISAPPOINTED by their husband? If you just start hiring out all the things you expect from him - yardwork, repairwork, moving - you can focus on your relationship. Truth is, you married a bum. You married a man perfectly willing to 'play' at work and let his woman support him. He is what he is. The longer you try to pretend you can change him, the more years you take off YOUR life out of stress.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Double post.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

JASON58 said:


> Time is everything, if he had the time he could have 99 percent of it packed up and ready to move, he could have did this through the day while she was working..then he would have earned the right to leave for 4 days..
> 
> I dont need to have my wife look over my shoulder to pack up a house contents, i can do it on my own..if i am given enough time.
> 
> I once built a 10x12 shed while looking after my two small kids while i was on holidays and my wife was working..yes it was hard but it got done..


Jason, you are missing the point. Yes, he COULD have done it all before he left. He REFUSED. He told HER to do it all. He said he couldn't help box up because he had to focus on 'building his business.' And that he THEN couldn't help with the MOVE because he was stressed and needed a break.

Boo freakin' hoo. Grow up. (her H, not you)


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

PBear said:


> Speaking as a guy... If I left my wife to move while I buggered off with the boys, I'd expect to come back and find all my stuff moved into the nearest dumpster. No matter how much time he had to prepare, or how much he did in advance, his place is with the family as they move.
> 
> Funny thing about "annual trips"... They happen every year. There'll be another one about this time next year. It wouldn't kill him to miss it.
> 
> ...


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

robynjoy said:


> People are giving me lots to think about.
> 
> In response to some of the comments: I've been an enabler, and it's taken me ridiculously long to realize it.
> 
> *Partly, I've just never been able to deal with someone so...unreasonable.*


First mistake, you can't reason with someone who is unreasonable. All you can do is ignore them.




> I have made him irrelevant, which may explain why he says he feels i don't treat him like an adult.


Do you treat him like an adult? If not, GOOD!!! He's NOT an adult. He's no strong father figure/Husband/Head of household. Otherwise he wouldn't have DREAMED of going on this trip.

Next time he says "you don't treat me like an adult".....agree with him and list all the ways he acts like a spoiled BOY!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I have moved with movers, too. And I got ripped off because I was a woman. It was taking a bit longer than it should (they were strolling with no sense of urgency) and once it was all loaded they demanded pay before driving to the new location and unloading and since it took four hours to load, they wanted me to pay for eight hours total ( Everyone knows UNloading takes much less time) and they weren't going to drive over there and unload and said if I didn't they were going to take the truck to their office lot and leave it there, locked and I'd be charged a storage fee until I paid in advance. So I'm trying to phone the company and raise hell with three huge, beefy, scary looking men standing there. The home office told me the same thing. They did concede it would take less time to unload and I paid for 7 hours hoping like heck they actually drove to the new location and unloaded my stuff. They did and boy were they able to unload. They did it in 2.5 hours but of course I didn't get any money back. Also I left my purse in a kitchen cabinet and $100 in cash was stolen.


Yes!

EW, I took my car to an oil change place once, with a 1 year old, to look at a leak. They _punched a hole in my oil pan _so they could 'see' up in there at where the problem was! Of course, then, I couldn't even drive away without paying them to replace the whole thing! Easy target, right? Woman with a baby? I called my husband and he rushed down there and tore them a new one, big time. It was replaced - for free.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

robynjoy said:


> And I need to stop enabling his behaviour.


So what are you going to do to achieve this? Do you understand about boundaries and consequences? That's a good place to start.

How to Build Better Boundaries in Your Marriage | World of Psychology


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

turnera said:


> I meant to bring this up, too. He is working up a business, but he's being expected to move to another town? How's that supposed to work? And as bad as it sounds, when a MAN has to move for a WOMAN's job, well, we all know how that goes. I can just hear his friends on this trip. *Don't be surprised if HE comes home and says he's not coming with you.*


You say this like it would be a bad thing. :scratchhead:


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## EMZED (Jul 29, 2014)

This sounds very heart-breaking indeed for you, OP. I'm so sorry to hear this. I know you must be feeling very hurt and abandoned.

I feel like this would be it for me, if I had a partner who pulled stuff like this. Move his stuff out and tell him it's over, that you can't believe he didn't stay to support his family when you all needed him.


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## robynjoy (Jul 31, 2014)

Re:the question re. my H's business - it is not locally based, and he is moveable so long as he is within a 45 minute drive of a particular major city, in any direction. We are the same distance from this city, although in a different town. One of the reasons i took this job is that it accommodated all our various needs. 

Re. his feelings about the job: I think he feels I "got my way" with this job, and so yes, this actions are about "getting his way".

Originally, when i took this job, H said hewould go but not happily. He said: "I'll go, but I don't want to live in this town, and while it's a great opportunity for you, it's a loss for everyone else in the family and all because we are ruled by your fears." I told him it wasn't fears, it was basic math: we rack up debt every year on my present salary, and with cutbacks looming it was only going to get worse. But, i said, this was a couple decision, and it sounded like the answer to the job was no. At that point, he said: "No, I said I would go." I said I wasn't about to drag a resentful H who would hang the move over my head anytime something went wrong in the new town. 

He arrived at yes much sooner than I did. the thing is, this new job of mine does buy more time for him to work at his business. If my hours were cutback and I said no to this full-time position, then I told him he would have to step up and make up the gap in our family income, and pronto, and likely that would mean getting a traditional job. (I couldn't have forced him to do so, though, of course, but it would have made it thoroughly difficult for him in front of family.)

I don't think his firm and quick turnaround means he doesn't resent the move any less. Or the fact that I'm the one who is the primary breadwinner. But I'm in a catch-22; he insisted on trying this business, and to support him in that (which I eventually agreed to) and feed our family, I needed to find stable work for our family. Which he now resents.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

As I mentioned in earlier posts, I had a similar dynamic in the earlier years of my marriage and things almost came to a decision to divorce a number of times. Neither one of us wanted that, though, so we gradually and grudgingly made some agreements that would address these problems.

One thing I learned was that the sort of resentment that is probably driving your H will color his entire view of the new place. He will see things through a negative lens. He will be aggravated if you appear to be happy. He will think you've 'gone native,' and criticize you for it. These are wedge behaviors that play out his resentment.

The only thing that ever worked for me here was to force the resentful person to really own the decision to move. If it becomes his decision, the true result of his free will, the resentment abates. I found ways to do this in a few instances, but it isn't always obvious how it's accomplished. The key is to turn the decision into an independent one on the part of the resentful partner. No one really likes to be pulled along in other people's lives. No matter how rational the reasons for a move like this, the basic emotional resentment based on ego is there.

(And believe me, I'm not saying that your H is in any way right here. I just think his behavior is not uncommon.)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree that your husband's behavior is not uncommon with some men. He pushes you into a position where you have no choice but to be the breadwinner. Then you have to make choices based on this fact. And he's resentful because "it's all about you".

Like you said, he seems to ignore that it's really all about being able to pay the bills so that all of you can live. And it's about him having the freedom to pursue a business that may or may not pan out some day.

How many hours a week is he actually putting into his business?


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## robynjoy (Jul 31, 2014)

Elegirl: He's not lazy on that front. He really does work hard, and he's very smart and capable. It's just he's working in a field where nobody wants to pay. He's good at what he does, but it's not a model that seems to be one that can work because it's not a high demand product (don't want to say more than that). 

I don't blame him for not being able to make a living or for trying to make a go of it, for that matter. Plus, I think he's learned important skills that will help in other fields of employment.

I just don't want to be resented for picking up the financial slack. 

I really do feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

robynjoy said:


> Elegirl: He's not lazy on that front. He really does work hard, and he's very smart and capable. It's just he's working in a field where nobody wants to pay. He's good at what he does, but it's not a model that seems to be one that can work because it's not a high demand product (don't want to say more than that).
> 
> I don't blame him for not being able to make a living or for trying to make a go of it, for that matter. Plus, I think he's learned important skills that will help in other fields of employment.
> 
> ...


You are stuck between a rock and a hard place. He's put you there by putting the entire burden on you. Then he resents that you have stepped up to the plate and done what is needed.

He's not being realistic. I really am not sure if there is anything you can do to turn this around. He's the one who is not being realistic. If he cannot make a living with his business then he's sort of dug his own hole. You are only doing what you need to do.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Since his is not a very viable business, and apparently won't be because demand for the product is low, why is he not changing fields if he has the skills to? Seems a waste of time to continue.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He PUT you in this position by not being a solid husband who supports his family. By being a spoiled child. So anything HE says about it is irrelevant until he starts pulling his weight. BTDT. I had to leave my dream job, the job I'd been waiting for my whole life, because it didn't pay enough and because H kept racking up debt. I've since moved jobs 3 more times, and he STILL hasn't done anything to fix the situation. At this point, I'm just working to pay off the debt so that I can leave. After 35 years of this crap.

I hope you don't continue to make the same mistakes I did.

btw, you can HIRE a company to be his bill collector, for a percentage of the money recouped. Better to get 80% of the money they owe than 100% of nothing.


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