# advice on a pretty unique situation



## speaksoftly (Apr 24, 2012)

Hello all,

I'm in a marriage, having been with this woman for 8 years now. I posted last year detailing a suspected EA while living abroad. It turns out there was no EA at all (confirmed), but I think I've fallen out of love. Believing that there was another presence in her life was a way of convincing myself that she wasn't responsible for her behavior. i.e. "it couldn't really be her treating me this way because she would never do this"

I've given it a year (as the advice typically goes on these things) but the feelings for her haven't come back even though things are generally good between us. There is nobody else (or anything even close) and we are getting along well, very good active sex life, and staying together is the convenient thing. But I just don't feel the same way as I did before and it scares me. We have no children, but she is approaching the age where she will need to make a decision on that. I can't imagine having kids with her given how I feel-- this likely won't be an issue for us but if we break up later on she might regret it, I don't know.

I googled "why men fall out of love" and the list I found had the number one reason as "they feel like you don't have their back." Frankly, that's exactly what happened. I can give more history if it's important but it seems to me that the lack of feeling from me is the most important thing (rather than the "why" of it.) I just feel like a faker in the relationship pretending that everything is how it used to be. Anyway, she's a great person who deserves to be happy, but I can't imagine she'll be happy with me in the long run given how I feel. 

Any advice would be appreciated here. I know this is probably weird because a. I'm a man considering initiating the separation, and b. there are no affairs or abuse or any other major problems. It would be so easy to just ignore this and carry on with my life but I've got this nagging feeling that I need to do what's right here. Thanks to this excellent community and the support you all provide.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

My first instinct upon reading your post was that there may simply be a communication problem here. You feel that everything is fine EXCEPT that you don't feel she "has your back". And you are willing to toss the marriage out for that? Perhaps more details along those lines would be helpful. Perhaps she is completely unaware of your feelings and would/will address the problem once you have addressed THAT issue with her. Perhaps you need to give her the courtesy of the opportunity to fix the problem with you before you reject everything else you have together.

If the above doesn't work, a separation does not always mean divorce. You could have time alone to reflect on your marriage, leaving room to go back if the issue can be resolved.

It seems to me from reading your post that this marriage can be saved and that whatever issues you have can be worked out, if you give her the chance and not reject her full out by threatening a divorce at this point.


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## speaksoftly (Apr 24, 2012)

Thanks for your reply survivorwife. The issue is that when I needed it (and was was explicitly asking for it) she didn't have my back. Now life is good again and I don't need any help so in some ways it's not anything she can fix now. We have talked about it, but situations in which you really need the help of another person are rare I think, and if/when it happens again I don't really trust that things will go any different. 

This may be relevant: I'm a cancer survivor and am probably particularly attuned to how reliable someone is when life throws you a serious curveball. Anyway, I don't know how to move past it and I really don't feel like I want to be married to this person. But that's scary as hell to type out.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I googled the same term and it was interesting! Thanks. Same problem here, but I visualize it a bit differently. To me, a marriage creates a new unit or entity. Call it The Couple, but I wish there were a better word. We are each individuals still, but we have a higher level of accountability, which is US.

Like a snow globe with the 2 of us in it, we are our own little bubble. She and I against the world.

When it turns out she is not in OUR corner but rather is just in HER corner, it is certainly a major obstacle to intimacy.

My question to you is whether you've tried any of the excellent relationship books or perhaps marriage counseling yet?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Evidently the event where she didn't have your back is a private issue then. That's cool. I'm guessing your situation is best explained by an analogy where your two came under fire and instead of fighting back like a good soldier she deserted? Was it as serious as that or are we referring to a situation where she could have helped you but simply couldn't be bothered?

The first scenario where I asked if she outright deserted you could have been an issue where she was afraid to have your back. She may still love you dearly, but was afraid to get in the middle of it because she either didn't know how to help or was afraid of upsetting someone else. The latter would make me feel that my spouse simply did not love me, because in a situation like that she had it in her power to help, just didn't bother to do it.


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## speaksoftly (Apr 24, 2012)

Hi Thor-- I like your metaphor. You're quite right.

P9FOS,

I wouldn't say it's a private issue so much as it is a boring one devoid of any fascinating details. I just went through a fairly rough period of a few months and was asking for certain things and she didn't help and, furthermore, seemed put off by the fact that I was asking. Us separating was mentioned (by her) much to my surprise and she became much less invested in the relationship. It's something I can definitely forgive but it's just that, really, I'm not sure I ever want to be in that position again. It gave me a preview of how dark things could get in this relationship and how lonely and helpless a person could feel. 

The thing is, the marriage could definitely be "saved." In some ways it already is (I mean it's working anyway.) But I didn't like what I saw and I don't have any reason to believe it's not still there. And as I said, something in me has changed and I no longer feel that immense affection I did before all of this happened.

Again thanks for listening and for providing advice guys. It's our anniversary tomorrow


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Certainly sounds like your holding on to the resentment of your "issue", and I don't blame you if you asking for help.

Its certainly a wall you've got up now, and cant seem to look over the top of right now. It can take time to rebuild that trust. Betrayal of emotions is a big one, you feel let down, that's what your spouse is supposed to be there for right. It sounds like your back to the nuts and bolts of the marriage, but you have this trust issue with her "support" of you. I'm not sure how much you've talked to her about your true feelings of that situation, but maybe she doesn't understand just how let down you were by it, or maybe you haven't you haven't felt you've got the remorse/regret from her you feel you she should have about it. It sounds like a resentment about the situation is blocking you from letting things progress. Then obviously is hasn't been satisfied in your mind yet.

I hate to beat a dead horse, but it sounds like your not quite done dealing with those events yet. You need to either forgive her for not being there for you (if she has show remorse), tell her that you don't think her remorse was enough to satisfy your disappointment, but either way its something your still harboring feelings about, and will continue too until there addressed to your satisfaction. As said above, its still a communication issue, that you need to address.


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

I come from a huuuuge family of people who are divorced. Let's just give a random number, out of 8 marriages, 6 are divorced, some multiple times. Miserable people. Most of them can't forgive their ex-spouse, even years later, for past transgressions, which really doesn't hurt anyone but the one who can't forgive.

I understand feeling alone and feeling like you have to go through something all on your own. Some people, when it comes to coping, want to separate themselves from a situation as much as possible because they simply aren't strong enough to deal. 

But you do have another chance here, right in front of you, to regain that trust. Even a little will be a lot. I think you really need to communicate to her exactly how you feel. She might not take it well, might even get into defensive mode and try to deny not being there for you. You could do some trust building exercises, even try a marriage retreat, something along those lines. 

I honestly wish my husband had come here looking for advice instead of just walking away from our marriage, and acting like it isn't worth fighting for. That is a painful pill to swallow every single night before I go to bed. To me, the fact that you are here, means that you really don't want to give up just yet. So I say, don't! It might seem like you don't know where to start, but really, the first step is the biggest.


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