# Duty/pity sex



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Curious, would you accept duty/pity sex? As in, let's say you are married in a sexless relationship, your wife said she's no longer attracted to you, but doesn't want a divorce, so she does her "duty" to save the marriage - would you accept that? 

Also if you are on the giver side of duty/pity sex - do you feel off afterwards? Do you fake enjoyment to prevent hurting delicate feelings? Is it right?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ah crap wrong section... men and women both welcome to reply >.<


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I had pity sex wth my ex once right before I divorced him. 

I faked nothing..... it was quite obvious I didn't want to be there. He'd never cared if I got anything out of it anyway.

I thought he was lower than dirt for accepting it. 

But we had a lot of other issues too, so i speak only for myself. 

In 12 years with my husband I've not only never had duty sex, I've also never faked anything.

Not surprisingly I have way more respect for him.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I'm on that boat as well, it's a huge turn off.

However I've read before that some couples, especially elderly ones, try their best to maintain a sexual relationship by routine and duty when hormones decline. Which isn't something I'm in ANY position to judge as a man in my 30s... which makes the topic a little more complex...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*That entire scenario just sounds exceedingly nasty and self-serving!

Sex is a gift that is freely extended to a marriage or relationship partner and is either given fully and without measure, or it is never given at all!

And if the latter should ever occur, then it could be readily surmised that the relationship itself is in dire trouble!*


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Pity sex is bad sex, so what's the point?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

How about the elderly? I also wonder if there are alot of marriages like this, full of duty sex and no passion. Sex isn't enjoyable but for the sake of security and the family unit - one puts up with it.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> How about the elderly? I also wonder if there are alot of marriages like this, full of duty sex and no passion. Sex isn't enjoyable but for the sake of security and the family unit - one puts up with it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Lol!! Damn it but shouldn't laugh >.<! lol


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Depends
Sex willingly given as a give because she enjoys pleasing me, even if she doesn't enjoy it herself would be fine. I do all sorts of things like that for her (long massages etc).

Sex as as chore that she resents doing in not interesting to me.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I think duty and decision for and towards each other is a good foundation and will lead the heart to feel again.

Pity.... I don't think so. I am a stud and if she ever stooped to pitying me it would be over as I will always have a better option than a pathetic existence.

I have both given and received duty sex and it has only strengthened our marriage because it was given like any thoughtful gift.

Duty sex given with a callous or bitter, detached heart is simply destructive and you might as well divorce. Pathetic.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I would say why bother with duty sex.... Watch a movie or go shopping instead!! : ) But I have heard that men don't like the duty sex and hold resentment that they don't even want it. But then I'm sure there are men who will take whatever their wives offer.

There are other threads about duty sex and also a sexless marriage too that you can read thru.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Even elderly with declining hormones can enjoy the bonding and closeness of intimacy.

It's not just about getting off.....anyone can take care of that themselves.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> Curious, would you accept duty/pity sex? As in, let's say you are married in a sexless relationship, your wife said she's no longer attracted to you, but doesn't want a divorce, so she does her "duty" to save the marriage - would you accept that?
> 
> Also if you are on the giver side of duty/pity sex - do you feel off afterwards? Do you fake enjoyment to prevent hurting delicate feelings? Is it right?


Depends if it's a one-off or a regular occurrence. For a one-off, I tend to think to myself "screw it, I am going in, wallow in sorrow later". 
For regular occurrence...it also depends. What's the source of 'no longer being attracted'? Is there anyone else she's more attracted to? What's the reason for the disappearance of attraction? Not sure there is a generic answer to he question.
The way you presented it, i.e. she says she is no longer attracted etc, then no, not worth it, if those were the spoken words. It won't work in the long run. It must be a bit like inflicting self-rape on yourself for a woman to have sex with something they don't find attractive (I imagine). Eventually the woman will probably resent herself too much for forcing herself to do something she doesn't want to do and it won't last anyway. Nothing much to 'save' there.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Other than as a *rare* occurrence when you're not really feeling it, but still want to please your partner, I'd find it unacceptable in a relationship. _In general_, I won't accept less than desirous, enthusiastic sex - less than that is reason to find a better relationship. Likewise, someone who only/primarily experiences responsive desire wouldn't meet my standards.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hmmm, for me I would reject duty sex even if given as a gift - as in, she's not feeling it, but wants me to be happy. I've always gone for quality rather quantity, and I've done my duty too much in my past marriage to the point of resentment so I'd imagine over time my partner would resent me too.

Still, I had a unique case.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Myself and husband are both very sensitive about "DESIRE"... even in the past when his drive was much higher ... if I gave the slightest indication I wasn't into it (example I was reading a book and didn't put it down when he started touching me) .. he'd just roll over.... he NEEDS to feel a mutual desire, my reaching for him too, responsive to his kisses, that I want him too.... 

And me.. I have found I am just as sensitive.... once he didn't climax and didn't seem to care, told me he could wait till the next day...I remember this rush of emotions coming over me.. I didn't like that [email protected]#$ I wanted him get his [email protected]# To feel that rush with me.... it helped he *wanted* to be there... but still I wanted more.. in this way... I realized how sensitive I was in this area....

The idea of a partner who just "wants it to be over with" is soul crushing to me....the thought makes me cringe, it's demeaning....it's everything ugly... especially for those seeking intimacy, a shared experience....one's pleasure is almost contingent on knowing the other is enjoying it too...

Better to just look up some porn and have a HOT fantasy over that.. 

It makes all the difference our attitude / our enthusiasm in this.. our libidos will be off sometimes...hopefully we know what it means to our partner when they reach for us (maybe this part depends on how we are treated day in, day out, if there is some resentment , etc).... I have found it does something for me too...even if I miss the O ....emotionally I am lifted up with his body being satisfied & the closeness... still I don't want to miss the ride..


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> How about the elderly? I also wonder if there are alot of marriages like this, full of duty sex and no passion. Sex isn't enjoyable but for the sake of security and the family unit - one puts up with it.


There are some fundamental differences here that need to be delineated. 

We need to differentiate the roles of attraction, horniness, resentment, repugnance, desire, love, affection etc etc. 

I'm not speaking for @LifesTooShort but how I see her 'duty sex' scenario was that she was not attracted to her ex at that moment and did not have that loving feeling for him and did not feel close to him or want to feel to him, but basically gave it to shut him up for a night. It may have even been an act of hostility. 

That is a far cry different scenario that a post-menopausal woman who may no longer have the hormonal "yearning" or horniness for sex that she once did in her youth and may not crave a passionate encounter and may not have an innate yearning for orgasms and hot, sweaty monkey sex any more, but still loves her H and still finds him as an attractive man and still wants to maintain an intimate closeness with him, to which she consents to a sexual encounter with him even though she may not necessarily be horny or "in the mood" at that moment. 

I supposed both scenarios could be called "Duty Sex" but they are coming from two completely different places for two completely different objectives. 

Key components here are attraction, respect, love and affection. 

Duty sex is something completely different for a 30 year old woman with small children who needs a roof over her and her children's heads who has lost all attraction and respect and affection for her husband but figures she better at least attempt to get his rocks off periodically so he doesn't toss her out -

vs -

a 50+ year old woman that has lived a good life with her husband and she still has fundamental affection and respect for him but no longer has the hormones fueling her desire or horniness. 

The 50 year old may not necessarily be "in the mood" and may not be horny and yearning for a sexual release, but she appreciates the role of sexuality in maintaining the emotional bond and closeness of marriage and she may still want the physical touching and affection and with proper foreplay and stimulation and arousal, she may still even have orgasms and sexual pleasure once she's doing it, even though she wasn't horny or aroused going into it. 

They're both technically duty sex, but they are completely different from each other. 

One fosters a continued sense of mutual closeness and bonding even in the absence of an innate desire. 

And the other one fosters a sense of resentment, repugnance, dissatisfaction and frustration....some times in both partners.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

For me the key is that the "gift" is willingly given and that overall things are balanced. 

I would be OK with my wife sometimes doing things for me that she didn't particularly like as long as sometimes I did the same for her, and most of the time we did things that both enjoy.







RandomDude said:


> Hmmm, for me I would reject duty sex even if given as a gift - as in, she's not feeling it, but wants me to be happy. I've always gone for quality rather quantity, and I've done my duty too much in my past marriage to the point of resentment so I'd imagine over time my partner would resent me too.
> 
> Still, I had a unique case.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

I would not accept "duty" sex from my wife, if that's all she was giving me. I know that she doesn't want it as often as I do but she doesn't deny me. I know there is some "duty" in that, but it's rare. If that's all I was getting I would not want it or accept it.

Guys, if that's all your getting here is my advice. Start working out, clean up your look, dress better, go out with other guys a couple of times per week for some drinks. Don't ask for sex from your wife, don't be rude, be polite and be at your best. Don't flirt with other women. She will start to see a difference in your appearance and behavior, she will get jealous since you're out of the house drinking socially and wonder if you're planning on cheating. She might, if she still cares, start coming onto you.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

Not all sex can be explosive and intense, sometimes the kids need lunch made and a shirt needs ironing before work and we have to get on with it. If my wife gives me duty sex from a place of love in that she's not really in the mood, but feels that I am and wants to take care of me then it's not a bad thing. If it's the only sex you get, and it's infrequent then obviously it's a different story.


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

I think duty sex can fall into 2 categories.
1) There is no desire or passion anymore from one partner but the obligatory need to keep the other happy as other parts of the marriage are good

2) Your body is letting you down ....you want to enjoy sex and want to please your partner but side affects from meds, hormonal issues etc don’t allow your body to feel.....therefore you don t want to upset your partner so duty sex is somewhat of a “ gift” to them to show you still love them and desire them but your body is not cooperating.

Sex doesn’t have to always mean PIV....it can mean oral, mutual Masturbation, stimulating with toys.....anything that involves both partners being intimate with each other enjoying each other’s body and having fun with the journey not just the destination.

You can get off by yourself but you won’t get the closeness, the bonding and the intimacy of enjoying each other’s bodies.


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## David Darling (Oct 22, 2016)

> Hmmm, for me I would reject duty sex even if given as a gift - as in, she's not feeling it, but wants me to be happy.


You might change your mind when you get a bit older. What starts as a (loving) duty can quickly reignite the real passion.


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