# i guess i belong here now



## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

hello everyone... when I first joined this site, and up until about 2 months ago, my goal was to save my marriage. Things were TERRIBLE and hopeless... but I couldn't let go, and I'd hold onto the little glimmers of hope that would happen occasionally in my marriage. Basically, I've been emotionally abused for years now by my husband... sometimes physically. My husband has a load of his own issues, it made him completely change. He's just not a good person anymore. We've been together for 10 years... no kids. Sexless for 2 years. 

Had one period of pretty great reconciliation this past winter, went on a trip together, continued marriage counseling, but then it fell apart again and I decided I was done. I am now 100% committed to getting a divorce, but of course it is still painful to lose someone I loved dearly for so long and thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. But I don't want this life anymore.

I'm just now realizing the immense damage he's caused me through his abuse by attending my own counseling... it's almost embarrassing at times how affected I am. Anxiety, self doubt, lack of confidence. I feel very weak. I have entrusted very few people in my real life with my situation... with divorce imminent I am just now venturing into telling more people in my life, but find it difficult to breach a subject that many, including my own family, are completely unaware of. They all love my husband, which makes it even harder.

This is all very new to me... though I feel no more doubts about divorcing him, the process is still scary to me. I worry about how long it will take, I worry about how much it will cost, what I will get, how I will fare without him... I've learned to live without him emotionally, but unfortunately he took care of most everything else. I feel very incapable of many things but I am willing to learn through this process... just feel very silly at 30 years old being still so very inexperienced in life. My husband was yes a provider, but also very controlling. I pretty much have to start completely over.

I feel like I have a million questions... and yet couldn't really think of any as I wrote this. I just fear the future so much! Right now my biggest stress is telling my family, and the rest of my friends. Those I have confided in already have been with me since day one of this ordeal... and have been great and very supportive. I am worried about other people not being that way. But I'm tired of feeling isolated. Its a catch 22. Anyways, looking to connect with some people on here going through similar situations.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

The degrees in which we change when abuse is involved is great, it is just so incremental that sometimes we do not notice how we change. Over time, before we know it, we become someone who we do not recognize nor like staring back at us. The people around us, impact how we change and grow as people, and that is a lesson hard learned.

I understand the guilt and shame that comes along with abuse, those are factors that tend to keep us trapped in the situation along with the fear, anxiety, wanting validation, to save the other, and being addicted to the drama.

Glad you made it to your logical conclusion. The longer you stayed, the more dysfunctional you would have become as well. It took a lot of strength and courage to even get past the first hurdle, but you are not alone, those who really care about you will help you get past the other hurdles along the way. Receiving help is not weak, and it takes intelligence and courage to ask for help when you are vulnerable. It takes trust.

Make plans and goals in order to help you achieve in what you need to do, and figure out objectives to help you along the way.

Have trust in yourself as well. Improving yourself will increase the probability of success. Going back to school to increase your skills is one way of improving your odds, finding social networks and connections can help you get your foot in the door, having a support system of friends and family can give you the emotional needs that you were lacking in your marriage.

Those that do not support you, you need to keep an emotional distance from. They will only be a hindrance in your healing process. Love them from afar instead. Best of luck.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Sorry you're here, but happy for your positive recovery. Think about setting small, short-term goals for yourself to help in your recovery. It helped for me, I liked the positive reinforcement I could provide myself.

How long the Divorce process takes depends on your jurisdiction and how much the two of you can agree on outside of court.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

I already know it will take about a year for it to be final unfortunately. I guess how much active involvement and for how long it will take me is what I'm anxious about. If my life will be consumed by the process for several months or what. The soon to be ex husband claims he wants this to be quick and painless, but I am cautious of his so called "promises" so we will see when it gets down to the nitty gritty. He is very vindictive. But since I decided I no longer wanted to try and he seems accepting of that, there has been peace. Awkward peace, but peace. We don't speak or interact and therefore he doesn't have a chance to go off on me. So I'm hoping that will aid in his level headedness about playing nice with the divorce. I have always been respectful of his things and his space, so hopefully that also will factor in. But I can't be too sure... he's very unpredictable.

As far as my healing... part of the reason I am afraid to tell more people is because I am afraid of rejection and losing more people... I am very sensitive due to his abuse. Right now, in my mind, the majority of people don't know the real situation, and are my friend. I'm afraid if they know then they may be more inclined to stay away from me, as they are used to me being the drama free happy go lucky type. I'm not sure people know how to handle me having hardships... though I know most people would say well then they're not real friends then... but still doesn't change the fact that they are in my life right now and provide some sort of comfort, and I risk the possibility in losing that. With me being so fragile I just don't know if I could handle that right now... and at the same time I am yearning for more support. 

Funny how deciding to divorce finally became easy, but suddenly everything else became more complicated!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Adeline said:


> I already know it will take about a year for it to be final unfortunately. I guess how much active involvement and for how long it will take me is what I'm anxious about. If my life will be consumed by the process for several months or what. The soon to be ex husband claims he wants this to be quick and painless, but I am cautious of his so called "promises" so we will see when it gets down to the nitty gritty. He is very vindictive. But since I decided I no longer wanted to try and he seems accepting of that, there has been peace. Awkward peace, but peace. We don't speak or interact and therefore he doesn't have a chance to go off on me. So I'm hoping that will aid in his level headedness about playing nice with the divorce. I have always been respectful of his things and his space, so hopefully that also will factor in. But I can't be too sure... he's very unpredictable.
> 
> As far as my healing... part of the reason I am afraid to tell more people is because I am afraid of rejection and losing more people... I am very sensitive due to his abuse. Right now, in my mind, the majority of people don't know the real situation, and are my friend. *I'm afraid if they know then they may be more inclined to stay away from me, as they are used to me being the drama free happy go lucky type. I'm not sure people know how to handle me having hardships... though I know most people would say well then they're not real friends then... *but still doesn't change the fact that they are in my life right now and provide some sort of comfort, and I risk the possibility in losing that. With me being so fragile I just don't know if I could handle that right now... and at the same time I am yearning for more support.
> 
> Funny how deciding to divorce finally became easy, but suddenly everything else became more complicated!


Well, I won't say they are not true friends, but I will say that sometimes friends come in and out of our lives for a reason and for a season. I lost some friends in my divorce, but I also gained a lot of new friends by joining a single moms meetup group, etc. 

It becomes easier to tell your story. It may be easier for you to create a group email to tell everyone all at once because it will get exhausting to tell your story over and over again, and as much as you appreciate questions from friends about how you are, sometimes there's just not enough time to answer everybody. I actually created a blog (private) for this purpose--but I've stopped using it because everyone is having trouble signing back in, so further updates on my life will be through a group email. 

I'm glad you're in counseling. I am too for the same reasons - lack of confidence, self esteem issues, etc. 

Hang in there!


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Ah, the quantum cat problem. A cat is inside the box, but no one is sure if the cat is alive or dead. The only way to find out is to open the box.

You are afraid to open the box, or rather let people know the truth. You are afraid of who the people around you really are, that they will leave you because you are not the person that they thought you would be.

Unfortunately, you will need to build up the esteem and strength for that next hurdle. Losing attachments of any sort is always going to hurt at first, but the thing to keep in mind that it is only temporary. You also make new attachments as you continue on living. Try and find a support group of people who have gone through similar situations, it will help create a bond, and help you find some emotional support.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

I just keep telling myself nothing will change if I keep things as is... that I have to try to reach out. And maybe it will be the answer to support I need. Who knows! That would be awesome. But I am doubtful. I think at first at least I will start out with telling individuals... I already kind of have an idea of the first additional friend I would tell. I'm hoping it will be easier to tell my story eventually like you say. Too bad those that are closest to me aren't really friends with eachother... it'd probably be easier if they were! I could kind of gather them all together... but alas that isn't possible or conducive. I just know I need more help getting through this.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

Mr-Fisty, i didn't see your post before i wrote mine. But your last post hit the head on the nail of what I'm feeling. Yup, i am currently trying to build the courage to do that! Hopefully some of the results will be in my favor.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Adeline said:


> I already know it will take about a year for it to be final unfortunately. I guess how much active involvement and for how long it will take me is what I'm anxious about. If my life will be consumed by the process for several months or what. The soon to be ex husband claims he wants this to be quick and painless, but I am cautious of his so called "promises" so we will see when it gets down to the nitty gritty. He is very vindictive. But since I decided I no longer wanted to try and he seems accepting of that, there has been peace. Awkward peace, but peace. We don't speak or interact and therefore he doesn't have a chance to go off on me. So I'm hoping that will aid in his level headedness about playing nice with the divorce. I have always been respectful of his things and his space, so hopefully that also will factor in. But I can't be too sure... he's very unpredictable.
> 
> As far as my healing... part of the reason I am afraid to tell more people is because I am afraid of rejection and losing more people... I am very sensitive due to his abuse. Right now, in my mind, the majority of people don't know the real situation, and are my friend. I'm afraid if they know then they may be more inclined to stay away from me, as they are used to me being the drama free happy go lucky type. I'm not sure people know how to handle me having hardships... though I know most people would say well then they're not real friends then... but still doesn't change the fact that they are in my life right now and provide some sort of comfort, and I risk the possibility in losing that. With me being so fragile I just don't know if I could handle that right now... and at the same time I am yearning for more support.
> 
> Funny how deciding to divorce finally became easy, but suddenly everything else became more complicated!


When my situation fell apart I didn't want to tell anyone. I feared the embarrassment, what people would think etc. I too wanted to just gather everyone and give one speech and get it over with. 

To this day I a still surprised at the amount of support I received and from some people I never expected from. 

People say you find out who your true friends are and its true but not from a perspective of loosing friends but seeing who "steps up". Just telling people felt like a huge burden had been taken off me. The truth was out, what people chose to do after that I couldn't control and I was fine with that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

honcho said:


> When my situation fell apart I didn't want to tell anyone. I feared the embarrassment, what people would think etc. I too wanted to just gather everyone and give one speech and get it over with.
> 
> To this day I a still surprised at the amount of support I received and from some people I never expected from.
> 
> ...


yes, very true. I am itching to get it off my chest... that will be very freeing. And a part of me has genuine curiosity of how different between will react. See if they had any idea, or if they are shocked. I know everyone has to know eventually, so it's not like it can be a secret forever. I guess whether it happens now or in a few months doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things... I just have to keep telling myself that. They would all be informed eventually. 

It's funny because in a way I am almost protecting THEM by being hesitant to tell them... because I don't want to make them into a bad friend. Kind of messed up feeling! ha. If they don't know that theres a reason for me to need them, then they can't fail. But once I tell them they can. I know it's not REALLY my fault, but it almost feels like it sometimes! I just really hope people will surprise me and step up as you said, or at least that some of them will. I think that would really be the thing to help me along in the healing process.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Adeline said:


> It's funny because in a way I am almost protecting THEM by being hesitant to tell them... because I don't want to make them into a bad friend. Kind of messed up feeling! ha. If they don't know that theres a reason for me to need them, then they can't fail. But once I tell them they can. I know it's not REALLY my fault, but it almost feels like it sometimes! I just really hope people will surprise me and step up as you said, or at least that some of them will. I think that would really be the thing to help me along in the healing process.


IMHO, this sounds a little co-dependent. I'm not bashing you, I suffer overcoming this as well. But you cannot, and more importantly, should not control how others may or may not react to a given situation. That is on them.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

Pluto2 said:


> IMHO, this sounds a little co-dependent. I'm not bashing you, I suffer overcoming this as well. But you cannot, and more importantly, should not control how others may or may not react to a given situation. That is on them.


Perhaps, I guess I never thought of it that way. More that I'm protecting myself and making sure I have some form of support around me, even if it's not exactly in the form I need it.


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