# Dealing with attraction in my marriage...



## sunyata (May 3, 2010)

Hello,

I could really use some help working out some feelings I have in my marriage.

Here is some background first.

I have been married to my wife for 8 years now. We have been together 11 years. We have no kids.

Most of the feelings that I am trying to work out have to do with physical attraction. From the very first day we dated I felt a little unsure about my feelings of attraction to her. But there were so many other areas that really were compatible, I decided to pursue the relationship anyways. We share a lot of common ideas about life, politics, finances and spirituality.

We dated for three years, lived together for 2 of those and have been married for 8 years.

All throughout our marriage we have had our ups and downs, but nothing we weren't able to come back together on and work out. We really have a strong respect for each other.

Over time my original feelings of not being that attracted to her have been growing. Over time it has been affecting our sex life. For the first couple years together we would have sex once a week. Now we are lucky to have sex once every 2 to 3 months. I have let myself fill the sexual attraction/sex void by occasional viewing of porn. What strikes me is that she really isn't that bothered by the lack of sexual activity. I have brought it up, but she replies that she does crave it, just that I am not pursuing her and that she needs more emotional connection time before feeling sexually interested. So how can I provide this if I don't feel attracted to her physically most of the time? It really tears at my insides that I just don't feel any lust or attraction towards my wife. Every time I see a woman I am attracted towards it makes me feel even more depressed.

So now I feel like I am at a crossroads on this. Sex and physical attraction are more important to me in a relationship than I first realized. I tried since the beginning of the relationship to put those things aside and focus just on the relationship without physical attraction, thinking that sex and appearances were just shallow needs.

I truly believe in monogamous relationships and have never felt tempted to have an affair. I just never fell "in love" with my wife, but I have love and respect for her as a great human being. I really want to have some element of lustful attraction towards my mate and partner in life.

So, I feel like either I need to change my thoughts and feelings about her to continue a successful marriage or separate and start over on a new path. I feel like I am lying to myself and to her by feeling this way.

Any thoughts or comments? Could really use the help.

Thanks..


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

Perhaps trying different things could help with the attraction factor. Pursue role playing, or just start getting out and doing things you normally wouldn't do to see if there are any sparks that you might be missing in your typical surroundings.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Are we talking about "I don't like her weight, hair color, makeup, and how she dresses" or "I don't like her height, bone structure, and eye color" - in other words, is it something she could perhaps work on improving, or is it just the way she is and there's nothing that can be done?

I'm not suggesting that you should hand her a list of things to change about her appearance. But if she could look more attractive by maybe getting her hair done, a better wardrobe, etc, you could gift her some spa days and take her shopping and praise the crap out of her when she dresses nicely!


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## sunyata (May 3, 2010)

It is really her body shape, hair, and general facial features. There just isn't anything that really grabs me sexually. She isn't athletic at all, but isn't overweight either. She doesn't wear clothing to try and enhance/promote her figure. Being attractive just isn't what she is interested in. 

I think we all have a gut reaction to someone we are really physically attracted to. I have never felt this way with her and wish I could feel this way towards my life partner. It affects my expression of physical and emotional affection.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I get what you're saying. I almost married a guy I loved but didn't have that "omg you're SO hot!" chemistry with him. I broke it off and two weeks later met the man who is now my husband, who I have sizzling chemistry with that just gets better. So I definitely see where you're coming from with this.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

. I don't think you can make yourself feel physical attraction it is either there or not. We are all attracted to a particular physical type. You can feel heat for a person that does not totally fit your ideal type if there are enough other attributes that can substrate. 

Are you saying that even if she exercised, fixed her hair and took more of an interest in looking as prety and feminine as possible you still would feel no attraction? If so, she just does not fit the criteria that you need to feel physical attraction. It is something you have no control over. 

You do have control over what you do with the rest of your life and her's. One way to think about this is she is somes type of woman so letting her go opens the door for her to find someone who finds her inherently attractive. Do you think she feels passionate about you or did she settle because you were close at hand? I wonder if she feels the same way.

However you look at it, your relationship may not be sustainable in the long run. It is unfortunate that so much time has passed but it would compound things to wait until you have kids and a more complicated life. A third person may be needed here - an individual therapist for her and you to help transition out of the relationship if that is what you decide to do. I think after so many years you owe it to yourself to make sure that there are no fixable issues or if it is a natural unfixable lack of chemistry. If it is unfixable then I think it is best to let each other go because to wait will be more painful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sunyata (May 3, 2010)

Thanks for the feedback thus far.

There are times where my attraction increases, particularly when she is more physically active. There was a period of time she was working out a lot (yoga, core work) and the results were nice. But, that lasted a few weeks. I've told her that my attraction increased as a result of this but she didn't really take it too seriously. 

I've also made suggestions about improving her appearance in the nicest way possible, but she gets aggravated by the subject stating that it shouldn't matter how she looks, it should be about who she is as a person. 

I do feel she is attracted to me. She is a shy person and just doesn't express that with any type of flirting or sexual innuendo. 

It is really a great weight to carry around, trying to decide what to do. My mind says stay with her, but my gut is to find someone I am truly happy with. I carry no pictures of her, really don't post any photos of her on my Facebook account. I'm not a bad person and felt that marrying her was the "right thing to do" as she is a sweet person. But I feel I have given up that physical sexual chemistry in my life for this marriage.

Before I do anything I plan to see a marriage counselor or two. Its funny, I almost feel a little shy to see a female counselor to explain all of these male feelings. I almost feel more comfortable seeing a male counselor instead. Any women here please chime in... ;-)


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I think you should see a male therapist. This is for you not a politically correct audience. You want to do the right thing and a therapist you are comfortable with is what you should choose. 

I wouldn't make too much of your choice, men find it hard enough to seek help. 

Your wife's statement her looks not making any difference is commonly held by some women. Please understand that pop culture makes women scrutinize every aspect of themselves. What the average women really thinks is that if she is not perfect she will not be loved. 

Those requirement for perfection causes resentment and resistance which may be why she does not try. Also, many women do not understand the nature of the male sexual attraction. 

For some men, the plumbing does not work if there is no chemistry. Women can have sex with a man she does not have chemistry with. 

I think your plan is excellent. One important aspect that she needs to understand is that it is not her. She is not unattractive to men and nor is she incapable of inciting passion, just not with you.


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## sunyata (May 3, 2010)

Well, my wife has never fallen into the self esteem trap of living to some pop culture ideal. She has very strong feeling against that concept. But physical attraction is still a part of what brings couples together. 

I totally agree about your last statement Catherine, that its not that she isn't attractive to anyone, just a chemistry mismatch between me and her.


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