# Sexual compatibility



## plansanddreams (May 2, 2019)

My first post here. So I will try to be brief.

My spouse wants me to do things I'm not that comfortable with in the bedroom. I have done some things and others, I've said no to. He believes that married couples should do "everything" and not have limits on what types of sexual things they will do. I don't believe this, however. I think any person has things they like, things they don't like. He believes if a person won't do a specific thing, they are a "prude" and there is something wrong with them. Is he right? I'm kind of concerned that one day he'll say he wants to do a 3-some. I've been pushed to my limits already. I'm willing to do anything to keep our marriage working though.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

No, you aren't a prude merely because you have sexual boundaries. Nor is not prudish to abstain from threesomes. Though I got the impression that threesomes was a theoretical issue, and not the activity your husband is currently pursuing. 

Are you looking for answers regarding a particular activity, or just on whether you're allowed to have limits?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Every person is entitled to have limits about what they do, or do not do, with their body. Name-calling is not a good solution to your husband's frustration, neither should you accept being labled as a "prude" as if there is something wrong with you. You are allowed to say no to certain sexual activity which you find undesirable.

Menage a trois would be clearly off limits for me. I would staunchly and categorically refuse.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

plansanddreams said:


> My first post here. So I will try to be brief.
> 
> My spouse wants me to do things I'm not that comfortable with in the bedroom. I have done some things and others, I've said no to. He believes that married couples should do "everything" and not have limits on what types of sexual things they will do. I don't believe this, however. I think any person has things they like, things they don't like. He believes if a person won't do a specific thing, they are a "prude" and there is something wrong with them. Is he right? I'm kind of concerned that one day he'll say he wants to do a 3-some. I've been pushed to my limits already. I'm willing to do anything to keep our marriage working though.


How much discussion was there regarding sex before you got married? What type of things is he asking for? Do you have sex abuse in your past? What is your religious upbringing in regards to sex?

Looking for a frame of reference.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

As a man who has always wanted to do more than my wife, I can also assure you that I have never, and would never, want or consider a threesome. My wife has absolutely zero to worry about there. 

That said, I would never call you a prude for not wanting to do certain other things even within a strict twosome with your husband and nobody else. If he really cares about you, he'd want you enjoy it as much as he does. It sounds like you've already stepped out your comfort zone, so it's not like you haven't at least made an attempt here. 

Stand your ground and don't let him define what is and isn't acceptable. 

What has he done for you? Has he made any efforts to do what makes you happy?


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

He should be respecting your limits. I can't imagine sex being fun when your partner is not enjoying it and just doing something to appease you.


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## plansanddreams (May 2, 2019)

I have done bondage with him, he always wants something new and different. I think he is going through a mid life crisis. I don't remember him wanting these things years ago.


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## plansanddreams (May 2, 2019)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> How much discussion was there regarding sex before you got married? What type of things is he asking for? Do you have sex abuse in your past? What is your religious upbringing in regards to sex?
> 
> Looking for a frame of reference.


He wants new and different things, like trying bondage, handcuffs things like that. Things he never wanted before. He says it is all mainstream and everyone does it, so therefore, I should to. I have done these things with him a few times. He gets upset if he thinks I am faking enjoying it. Just me agreeing to do it isn't enough for him, he seeks a level of enthusiasm from me. I know he watches porn a lot and may be sort of addicted to it, and gets his ideas from internet porn.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

plansanddreams said:


> I have done bondage with him, he always wants something new and different. I think he is going through a mid life crisis. I don't remember him wanting these things years ago.


A huge part of bondage is having limits, if he doesn't respect your limits, how can you trust him to put you in a vulnerable position? It's a power exchange but he has to be worthy to handle the power you give him.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

plansanddreams said:


> He says it is all mainstream and everyone does it, so therefore, I should to. I have done these things with him a few times.... I know he watches porn a lot and may be sort of addicted to it, and gets his ideas from internet porn.


Sounds like he's been watching porn for too long, and has lost touch with reality.

Therapy might be advisable, if he is in fact going through a midlife crisis. You could possibly go with him, see if you can work things out with a 3rd party there moderating.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Nothing wrong with wanting variety, nothing wrong with not wanting to do some things. If you can, a good conversation on what he wants, and what you are comfortable doing helps. Both try to keep in mind that there is a huge range in the things people want - so no right / wrong either way. 

The mid life crisis idea may not be far off - though don't say it to him. He may feel his life is stuck in a rut - and this is what he can think of to change. Maybe there are other things you can change in your life. 

Another question: he has all these things he wants you do do in bed. Do you have things you want him to do? This would be a good time to ask. Is he willing to make some sessions all about you?

Maybe you can find out what he really is looking for. There might be a way to satisfy whatever kink is sort of driving this without doing anything you don't liek . Or there might not be. 

Someone mentioned porn - it is possible. It can have the effect of the viewer no really understanding what parts of BDSM porn are real and what are basically made up / acted.


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## plansanddreams (May 2, 2019)

uhtred said:


> Someone mentioned porn - it is possible. It can have the effect of the viewer no really understanding what parts of BDSM porn are real and what are basically made up / acted.


I think he cannot distinguish fantasy from reality if he's so hooked on porn. I've found many people have this problem. Some people believe what they see in TV shows is real and sometimes there's a disconnect where they fail to realize it's all just acting by paid actors. It would be like me reading the book "Fifty Shades" and expecting him to act like the main male character. Not realistic.

My husband is not willing to compromise on anything in the bedroom and has stated this repeatedly. He insists a normal person should be willing to do all the kinky stuff he wants to do as he says it's all "mainstream". However, there are even sex workers who don't "do whatever" the customer wants them to do, even sex workers have limits. I know this as I used to know a woman who worked in the sex industry. There were things she wouldn't do even if someone paid her. Can a man go pay for sexual things? Sure he can try, but there's no guarantee he'll get it.


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## plansanddreams (May 2, 2019)

BioFury said:


> Sounds like he's been watching porn for too long, and has lost touch with reality.
> 
> Therapy might be advisable, if he is in fact going through a midlife crisis. You could possibly go with him, see if you can work things out with a 3rd party there moderating.


We have done some marital counseling, however, I felt like it was all sided towards him as he was paying the bill for it. I don't feel comfortable talking to a person about it, Id rather talk online. He said in therapy that he wanted me to initiate sex more often. So I started doing that, but he would say he "wasn't in the mood."

I am starting to believe the sexual issue is a smokescreen for something else. 

Or he does have a porn addiction that has spiraled out of control. He has asked me to watch specific scenes to copy the techniques of the actors. I would never watch films and then ask my partner to copy the techniques. At some point I may decide to throw in the towel and tell him to find someone else if he feels he can do that at this point in his life. However I sometimes feel desperate to hang on to the marriage. I don't think he would agree that he has a porn addiction. He would say porn is "normal" and "everyone watches it it."

Other issues in our relationship are related to me being introverted and him being extroverted.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

plansanddreams said:


> My first post here. So I will try to be brief.
> 
> My spouse wants me to do things I'm not that comfortable with in the bedroom. I have done some things and others, I've said no to. He believes that married couples should do "everything" and not have limits on what types of sexual things they will do.


Convenient "belief" for him. 



> I don't believe this, however. I think any person has things they like, things they don't like. He believes if a person won't do a specific thing, they are a "prude" and there is something wrong with them. Is he right? I'm kind of concerned that one day he'll say he wants to do a 3-some. I've been pushed to my limits already. I'm willing to do anything to keep our marriage working though.


I believe that if someone calls someone else names like prude they are an *******. If someone calls THEIR WIFE names, then there is something more seriously wrong than merely being an *******.

Don't be willing to do ANYTHING as it seems he is taking advantage of that.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

That can be a real problem. Some people don't realize that porn is about a realistic a depiction of a normal sex life as a James Bond movie is of work for an intelligence agency. 

Sexual fantasies are OK - but people have to realize that its all about compromise and finding things both enjoy. I don't think *anyone* is willing to engage in ALL of someone else's kinks. You are right that most sex workers have a rather limited set of things that they will do. There are some pro dominatrixes who will engage in BDSM at tops - but very few sex-workers willing to take the chance of being hurt as bottoms. 

A sex life needs to be balanced: it can't all be about him, he needs to be happy to do whatever you want. 

If there is balance, then its fine to think carefully about why you don't want to do specific things. Sometimes the reason is very clear, if they are uncomfortable / degrading etc. Other times it is possible to reconsider. As an example for many years my wife didn't want to perform oral - she had gotten the idea that it was degrading to women. At some point (maybe from reading) she realized that it wasn't fundamentally degrading and that she didn't mind doing it. Other times though the objections are completely valid and shouldn't be ignored. 








plansanddreams said:


> I think he cannot distinguish fantasy from reality if he's so hooked on porn. I've found many people have this problem. Some people believe what they see in TV shows is real and sometimes there's a disconnect where they fail to realize it's all just acting by paid actors. It would be like me reading the book "Fifty Shades" and expecting him to act like the main male character. Not realistic.
> 
> My husband is not willing to compromise on anything in the bedroom and has stated this repeatedly. He insists a normal person should be willing to do all the kinky stuff he wants to do as he says it's all "mainstream". However, there are even sex workers who don't "do whatever" the customer wants them to do, even sex workers have limits. I know this as I used to know a woman who worked in the sex industry. There were things she wouldn't do even if someone paid her. Can a man go pay for sexual things? Sure he can try, but there's no guarantee he'll get it.


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

plansanddreams said:


> I am starting to believe the sexual issue is a smokescreen for something else.


I think so too. 

Patrick Carnes and his wife Stephanie have written a lot about sex and porn addiction, for both the addict and their significant other. Have a look for some of their work and maybe do some reading. It can't hurt, and may well prove very helpful.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

plansanddreams said:


> My first post here. So I will try to be brief.
> 
> My spouse wants me to do things I'm not that comfortable with in the bedroom. I have done some things and others, I've said no to. He believes that married couples should do "everything" and not have limits on what types of sexual things they will do. I don't believe this, however. I think any person has things they like, things they don't like. He believes if a person won't do a specific thing, they are a "prude" and there is something wrong with them. Is he right? I'm kind of concerned that one day he'll say he wants to do a 3-some. I've been pushed to my limits already. I'm willing to do anything to keep our marriage working though.


Your husband is wrong. You are not a prude and have nothing wrong with you. By saying this he is trying to force you to do things that you are very uncomfortable about and that is very wrong and unloving and disrespectful. 
Tell him plainly that there are things that you wont do and that you don't want him pressuring you. 
Honestly if I had a partner who said he felt very uncomfortable about something I would not mention it again.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

plansanddreams said:


> He wants new and different things, like trying bondage, handcuffs things like that. Things he never wanted before. He says it is all mainstream and everyone does it, so therefore, I should to. I have done these things with him a few times. He gets upset if he thinks I am faking enjoying it. Just me agreeing to do it isn't enough for him, he seeks a level of enthusiasm from me. I know he watches porn a lot and may be sort of addicted to it, and gets his ideas from internet porn.


I want surprised when you said that he watched porn. Its so damaging. 
Oh and he is also very wrong that 'everyone does it', what nonsense. 
How can he expect you to enjoy it when you don't want to do it? How very selfish.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

plansanddreams said:


> We have done some marital counseling, however, I felt like it was all sided towards him as he was paying the bill for it. I don't feel comfortable talking to a person about it, Id rather talk online. He said in therapy that he wanted me to initiate sex more often. So I started doing that, but he would say he "wasn't in the mood."
> 
> I am starting to believe the sexual issue is a smokescreen for something else.
> 
> ...


No porn isn't normal and not everyone watches it. It actually can be very damaging to a marriage, just see what you are facing because of it, the unloving and disrespectful way he is treating you.
Personally I wouldn't put up with it.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Normal is difficult to define. Watching porn is fairly common and there are many relationships that still work when one person watches porn. There are many that don't

I think its like alcohol. Some people drink an are fine, others become alcoholics. 




Diana7 said:


> No porn isn't normal and not everyone watches it. It actually can be very damaging to a marriage, just see what you are facing because of it, the unloving and disrespectful way he is treating you.
> Personally I wouldn't put up with it.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Are there sexual things you want to do that he doesn’t want to do? Such as you want it slow and soft sometimes, or even something more erotic than that but less kinky than what he wants?

Do you feel truly intimate with him? Outside of the bedroom also?


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

NobodySpecial said:


> I believe that if someone calls someone else names like prude they are an *******.


Isn't that statement a little... paradoxical? Lol.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

BioFury said:


> Isn't that statement a little... paradoxical? Lol.


mmm. I think I am an *******.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

plansanddreams said:


> We have done some marital counseling, however, I felt like it was all sided towards him as he was paying the bill for it.


Over the years that DH and I have been married, there are have been times when I was the sole earner and times when he was. In all cases, marital money was viewed as OURS, part of our partnership. This is important, I think, for attitudes like this. That somehow the counseling was for HIM because he was footing the bill is not very helpful, I think as you have seen.

Marriage counseling is for THE MARRIAGE - which is necessarily about BOTH of you. 

Story time. DH and I went to a therapist. She was very helpful. And we really enjoyed it - to the extent one can enjoy such a thing. She made a comment about how many people come to therapy to get the other to do/feel/think/be something else. It is a total non-starter. 



> I don't feel comfortable talking to a person about it, Id rather talk online. He said in therapy that he wanted me to initiate sex more often. So I started doing that, but he would say he "wasn't in the mood."


I wonder, you are able to stretch your comfort zone in the areas you discuss here. Are you able and willing to stretch your comfort zone with a therapist? Not saying you should. Just that if you can, it could be WORLDS more helpful than an online board.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

uhtred said:


> Normal is difficult to define. Watching porn is fairly common and there are many relationships that still work when one person watches porn. There are many that don't
> 
> I think its like alcohol. Some people drink an are fine, others become alcoholics.


You are right of course. Often are. The thing that is insidious about porn is that some of it is sooooooo unrealistic. I hope this is adequately PG-13. But have you ever seen a dude go into the backside completely dry in a porn movie? Um. If you think that is how it's done because you are watching porn, you are wrong, wrong, wrong. (Not you, the rhetorical you.) Addiction is not risky only in the sense of amounts but in setting up the brain to want/expect some stuff that just won't fly. Studies show the connection is powerful.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Many movies are wildly unrealistic and I think that they produce all sorts of unrealistic expectations. Its just that for porn, and to some extent romance, those expectations have an opportunity to adversely affect pepole's behavior. 



NobodySpecial said:


> You are right of course. Often are. The thing that is insidious about porn is that some of it is sooooooo unrealistic. I hope this is adequately PG-13. But have you ever seen a dude go into the backside completely dry in a porn movie? Um. If you think that is how it's done because you are watching porn, you are wrong, wrong, wrong. (Not you, the rhetorical you.) Addiction is not risky only in the sense of amounts but in setting up the brain to want/expect some stuff that just won't fly. Studies show the connection is powerful.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

uhtred said:


> Many movies are wildly unrealistic and I think that they produce all sorts of unrealistic expectations. Its just that for porn, and to some extent romance, those expectations have an opportunity to adversely affect pepole's behavior.


Studies seem to suggest that it goes merely beyond expectation but connect to neural magic that I don't understand in a way that, say, seeing Game of Thrones makes you think riding a dragon is real doesn't.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> uhtred said:
> 
> 
> > Many movies are wildly unrealistic and I think that they produce all sorts of unrealistic expectations. Its just that for porn, and to some extent romance, those expectations have an opportunity to adversely affect pepole's behavior.
> ...


Because GOT watching is suspension of disbelief for a given period of time which the viewer only goes so far into the suspension. Also the intent is to be entertained. So wiring in this case would just wire you to be better and better at suspension of disbelief for movie watching.

With porn, the intent is to feel pleasure and get off. Thus the wiring all goes in that direction. There is no suspension of disbelief in the same way (which doesn’t mean viewers necessarily “believe” the scenes, but it means they do believe what they are seeing, which is naked people doing things.)


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Maybe its because most of the specific acts shown in porn are physically possible (unlike riding a dragon), but they are put together in a way that is not realistic. There is nothing impossible about your girlfriend and her sister deciding to have a 3some with you that is all about you - it *could* happen, probably has a few times in history, but its not *likely*. Multiply that by the probability that they will both O from penetration, and that your cute next door neighbor will join in etc etc. 

There is usually no single thing that is completely impossible, just the combination. (sometimes there are impossible things, but mostly improbable or some rather important steps have been skipped.... as was suggested earlier)






NobodySpecial said:


> Studies seem to suggest that it goes merely beyond expectation but connect to neural magic that I don't understand in a way that, say, seeing Game of Thrones makes you think riding a dragon is real doesn't.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

plansanddreams said:


> He wants new and different things, like trying bondage, handcuffs things like that. Things he never wanted before. He says it is all mainstream and everyone does it, so therefore, I should to. I have done these things with him a few times. He gets upset if he thinks I am faking enjoying it. Just me agreeing to do it isn't enough for him, he seeks a level of enthusiasm from me. I know he watches porn a lot and may be sort of addicted to it, and gets his ideas from internet porn.


 @plansanddreams porn induces a cycle of overstimulation in which pleasure can only be maintained by chasing new forms of novelty. It would seem as though he has overstimulated himself so much now that he needs your to induce your enthusiasm via novelty as his only means of being able to connect with you.

It is an ugly cycle and can be difficult to correct. You need to be confident about putting your foot down and saying no to anything you do not like and insist intimacy is about making each other feel loved and not about trying to hurt or make the other partner feel uncomfortable. If he has problems with that, then you will need to put distance and take time away from the marriage and tell him he needs to work on his self development and learn to be a more kind and loving person. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@plansanddreams, your husband isn't correct. Sex and intimacy needs to be consensual, and if one person doesn't feel comfortable, they have every right to speak up and be heard. And, it doesn't mean that they're a prude; it means that they have respect for themselves.


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## Talk2Me (Mar 22, 2019)

Everyone has hard and soft limits. I think it's important to talk about these. A soft limit is something you're not crazy about but your "may" be willing to try it or even dabble in it a tiny bit. A Hard limit is basically a solid NO. Keep in mind that if you both are hardly having sex he's going to get resentful and prob. act how he is now. If you're turning him down often then he prob. knows you're going to say no so he may ask you to do something a little more crazy knowing you will say no and then get defensive about it. It's an easy way to get turned down asking for something outrageous than simply trying to have sex.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Ursula said:


> @plansanddreams, your husband isn't correct. Sex and intimacy needs to be consensual, and if one person doesn't feel comfortable, they have every right to speak up and be heard. And, it doesn't mean that they're a prude; it means that they have respect for themselves.


I can't love this post enough. 
@plansanddreams, it's my understanding that each individual person has limits and comfort levels to what they will and just WILL NOT do! As an example, I am very open minded and willing to try almost anything, but I do have a line at physical roughness. I was beaten as a child and have very literally zero tolerance for that... so NOPE a slap on the bottom does NOT turn me on! Hard line! 

See, the idea of intimacy is not just one partner getting their rocks off. The whole idea of it is to know someone so well, and have them know you so well--mind, body, and soul--that you are comfortable sharing physical closeness with them too. I don't see how forcing someone to do things they are uncomfortable with is "sharing closeness" or expressing care for that person. Nor do I see how calling names is expressing closeness. 

I think your hubby has it quite goofed up.


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## plansanddreams (May 2, 2019)

Affaircare said:


> I can't love this post enough.
> 
> @plansanddreams, it's my understanding that each individual person has limits and comfort levels to what they will and just WILL NOT do! As an example, I am very open minded and willing to try almost anything, but I do have a line at physical roughness. I was beaten as a child and have very literally zero tolerance for that... so NOPE a slap on the bottom does NOT turn me on! Hard line!
> 
> ...


Thanks for understanding. 

My husband is overly focused on "getting off" during sex and has sex he wants to have "mind blowing sex" like he had with previous partners before he married me.

I don't want to divorce over this issue but it may come to that. 

He also looks over my shoulder every time I am on a computer so not sure when I will return here to the discussion.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

plansanddreams said:


> Thanks for understanding.
> 
> My husband is overly focused on "getting off" during sex and has sex he wants to have "mind blowing sex" like he had with previous partners before he married me.
> 
> ...


Good grief he certainly knows how to make you feel bad. :frown2:Comparing you to previous partners is cruel and unkind. Honestly I just wouldn't marry a man who treated me like that.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

plansanddreams said:


> My first post here. So I will try to be brief.
> 
> My spouse wants me to do things I'm not that comfortable with in the bedroom. I have done some things and others, I've said no to. He believes that married couples should do "everything" and not have limits on what types of sexual things they will do. I don't believe this, however. I think any person has things they like, things they don't like. He believes if a person won't do a specific thing, they are a "prude" and there is something wrong with them. Is he right? I'm kind of concerned that one day he'll say he wants to do a 3-some. I've been pushed to my limits already. I'm willing to do anything to keep our marriage working though.



It depends. What kinds of things? Does it involve goats or midgets?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

uhtred said:


> Another question: he has all these things he wants you do do in bed. Do you have things you want him to do? This would be a good time to ask. Is he willing to make some sessions all about you?



I dunno why but for some reason I imagine some of those things might involve her husband NOT being in the same room as her...She sounds like she just needs a break from all this sex stuff.
How about a day at a spa instead?



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

uhtred said:


> Many movies are wildly unrealistic and I think that they produce all sorts of unrealistic expectations. Its just that for porn, and to some extent romance, those expectations have an opportunity to adversely affect pepole's behavior.




I think a lot of porn significantly underplays the kinkiness that can be achieved between two willing partners.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## plansanddreams (May 2, 2019)

InMyPrime said:


> It depends. What kinds of things? Does it involve goats or midgets?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


He ordered me to buy a dildo and use it. Not with him, just on my own. I ordered one online, then cancelled my order. I don't feel comfortable having sex with machinery. (That's just me, not speaking for anyone else). I also wouldn't use it with him if he were to ask. I am not into sex toys. 

He picked out several porn videos and asked me to copy the techniques the woman used on the man. Pretty much said, this is what I need and you have to do it this way.

He also has specific rules about how i groom my privates (pubic hair).

Bondage: we've done some bondage and role play. I am okay with doing that. 

He doesn't give me credit for things I've done with him, he just keeps wanting more and more.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

plansanddreams said:


> He believes that married couples should do "everything" and not have limits on what types of sexual things they will do. .


They say "great!! There's something I want to do to you!! " and pull out a 12" dildo as thick around as a beer can and tell him to bend over.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It is fine to not want to do certain things. 

Does he do everything you ask for in bed? Do you ask for anything.


Its OK not to be comfortable with dildo- but also be aware that his request is not way off the curve. IF (and I say *if*) he is willing to to anything you want in bed (which I doubt), then I think its worth reflecting on why this particular action doesn't seem OK to you. Just for you to understand your own thoughts (not to tell us). 

Be careful with bondage when there is this sort of sexual issue. Always play with a safe word (like saying "red" and ALL the action stops - failure to stop is rape). There is a concern (if you are the one timed up) that he might "interpret" your rejection of something as all part of the game





plansanddreams said:


> He ordered me to buy a dildo and use it. Not with him, just on my own. I ordered one online, then cancelled my order. I don't feel comfortable having sex with machinery. (That's just me, not speaking for anyone else). I also wouldn't use it with him if he were to ask. I am not into sex toys.
> 
> He picked out several porn videos and asked me to copy the techniques the woman used on the man. Pretty much said, this is what I need and you have to do it this way.
> 
> ...


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## dpoohclock (Apr 30, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> They say "great!! There's something I want to do to you!! " and pull out a 12" dildo as thick around as a beer can and tell him to bend over.


That would be my response! 

I agree with many others. I think it's highly likely he has a porn addiction, or some thin grasp on the reality differences between porn and real life. 

Everyone has limits, and for a lot of things to happen, you need trust. 


For example.. I'm far what one would consider prudish, and under the proper relationship, could see trying out a variety of things. 

Sitaution: when I was dating (and obviously don't have much trust built up yet that early in a relationship), I was with one gal who casually started asking one day, and then finally came out and insisted that I tied her up and spank her (not lightly either, she wanted visible welts). She then showed me a full selection of whips. Now, she obviously was into this sort of thing, and I have to mention I'm not, but i'm willing to try things for her pleasure. 
Now, I'm a well built guy, 6'2, 225lb, and she was a normal sized gal, nearly 100lbs less than me. 
So, I balked at this idea. I said there is no way I'm going to hit a woman, even if you beg me to because that enhances your pleasure. 
I told her we don't have the trust for that, and the last situation I want to be in would be going home one night after welting up her backside and finding the police at my house looking to arrest me for abuse. 

That was my limit.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

dpoohclock said:


> That would be my response!
> 
> I agree with many others. I think it's highly likely he has a porn addiction, or some thin grasp on the reality differences between porn and real life.
> 
> ...


But also beyond the potential for her to make some kind of false claim, it’s ok to just not be into that.

I wouldn’t put welts on someone either, no matter how much they wanted me to. I just wouldn’t be able to and I wouldn’t want to. I don’t care if it turns them on, it will not turn me on. I suppose it is possible I would do it for a long term partner with lots of trust built up if I felt it was something really important to them to do at least once. However it still wouldn’t turn me on and I would not be giving him the full treatment because there’s no way I could enjoy it.

This next is off topic but....

I’ve been offered money to do foot fetish stuff before. And frankly, I considered it. This is where you would just put on some stockings and heels and a skirt, and either walk around for them while they drool about your feet, or sometimes they want to rub your feet or give you a pedicure. 

All of which I’m like, you mean I get paid for this?? Bring it on!

But some of them want you to trample them (look it up). And I can’t do that, ew. I don’t get off on humiliation of others, pain or torture. 

Anyways I was negotiating with a guy who I told sorry, no, you’re going to have to get a pro for the rough stuff, I’m just a girl with pretty feet. He said aw come on, you don’t have to be a pro, I can show you. Nope man, sorry, even when it’s for money it’s still got to be fully mutually consensual and that’s not something I consent to. Let me know when you just want to rub them or give me a pedi.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

plansanddreams said:


> My first post here. So I will try to be brief.
> 
> My spouse wants me to do things I'm not that comfortable with in the bedroom. I have done some things and others, I've said no to. He believes that married couples should do "everything" and not have limits on what types of sexual things they will do. I don't believe this, however. I think any person has things they like, things they don't like. He believes if a person won't do a specific thing, they are a "prude" and there is something wrong with them. *Is he right?* I'm kind of concerned that one day he'll say he wants to do a 3-some. I've been pushed to my limits already. *I'm willing to do anything to keep our marriage working though.*


He's not even close.


Oh hell no!

Some of the ladies of TAM need to have a conversation with you.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

plansanddreams said:


> He ordered me to ....



He _*ordered *_you?

Okay, full stop right there. This is clearly not a partner, but an abuser. Sorry, there's no way around this. 

This is NOT just about sexual compatibility.

It's time for foot down. Extra firm, and in no uncertain terms. You stand tall and proud and let him know that you are his wife, not his plaything.... and unless he starts treating you like a wife rather than a mere object for his amusement, you won't be his wife and good luck to him finding another who is willing to take his ****.

Dude need some serious counseling... or a 2x4 upside the head... or counseling with a 2x4!

The porn thing has no doubt twisted him, and I'm not sure his brain hasn't been rewired in a very bad way (and to be crystal clear, I am not saying this as a justification for his actions.... there is none). Consider making some serious counseling for him (and/or couples counseling for the two of you) a nonnegotiable prerequisite for your continued cohabitation. He needs a serious attitude adjustment.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> He _*ordered *_you?
> 
> Okay, full stop right there. This is clearly not a partner, but an abuser. Sorry, there's no way around this.
> 
> ...


I had no idea it could twist someone that much, honestly. Truly, it seems he is simply controlling her as a pimp would a prostitute. hmm... And she reacts as though...


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## plansanddreams (May 2, 2019)

Thanks.

We did get marital counseling a few years back, but did not discuss his use of pornography. That never came up. Perhaps it should have. He told the counselor that all our problems were my fault. I have never refused to have sex with him, btw. This is about specific sexual desires.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

plansanddreams said:


> Thanks.
> 
> We did get marital counseling a few years back, but did not discuss his use of pornography. That never came up. Perhaps it should have. *He told the counselor that all our problems were my fault.* I have never refused to have sex with him, btw. This is about specific sexual desires.


Like that? I am having a hard time believing any counselor would sit still for that. It does not really SOUND like it being about specific sexual desires.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

What did he think were the problems? (real or not)



plansanddreams said:


> Thanks.
> 
> We did get marital counseling a few years back, but did not discuss his use of pornography. That never came up. Perhaps it should have. He told the counselor that all our problems were my fault. I have never refused to have sex with him, btw. This is about specific sexual desires.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

When I first arrived on this forum and told my story, the opinion of the group was UNANIMOUS that yes, I was married to a prude - followed almost as universally with the question "Is she a sexual assault survivor?"

Contrary to most of the advice you have already received, at some level of sexual dysfunction, you will be considered a prude by most people even if they would not use that word nor tell you to your face. In that case, your sexual boundaries will be considered extreme and in some sense inappropriate. 

If you want to know whether or not what you want is normal compared to what your husband wants, or vice versa, you are asking the wrong question. Normal doesn't matter when you enter into an exclusive sexual contract with another person. The only thing that matters is if you can accommodate each other's desires. Good, giving, and game is the best advice (courtesy of Dan Savage) that you can get here - be good at what you do, give with the intent of pleasing your partner and not just yourself, and game to try anything *within reason*. Within reason of course is a fuzzy line that never includes bringing someone else into the marriage (unless you both want that), never includes inflicting pain, humiliation, or is dangerous to anyone's well being - but is designed to encourage you to expand your personal definition of what is sexy and satisfying. 

Managing sexual incompatibility in a marriage is about as tough a nut to crack as they come. It has to start with both of you accepting that you are what you are, not getting into a contest of who comes closest to "normal".


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

^^ OP One person's opinion only. The above post is not terribly related to your situation.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> ^^ OP One person's opinion only. The above post is not terribly related to your situation.


If I'd thought that there was nothing "terribly related" to her situation, I would not have gone to the trouble of posting a reply. 

Two people with vastly different desires in the bedroom, whatever those differences are, is the same fundamental problem regardless. Either you can learn to live with your differences, eliminate them, or go your separate ways. You will never win by wielding the "Normal" club.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Cletus said:


> If I'd thought that there was nothing "terribly related" to her situation, I would not have gone to the trouble of posting a reply.
> 
> Two people with vastly different desires in the bedroom, whatever those differences are, is the same fundamental problem regardless. Either you can learn to live with your differences, eliminate them, or go your separate ways. You will never win by wielding the "Normal" club.


Which is normally true until your partner enters the certifiably abnormal realm. Or, to put a different word to it, seriously mentally unhealthy FOR HER.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> Which is normally true until your partner enters the certifiably abnormal realm. Or, to put a different word to it, seriously mentally unhealthy FOR HER.


So the OP is normal in the not certifiably abnormal sense. She is not a prude. Her husband is normal too, perhaps with a limited ability to express his dissatisfaction in a productive way. 

So where does that leave us? Asking a different question, with a completely different answer.

"I'm normal -> you're not" 
therefore I have the moral high ground to compel you to hew closer to my definition.

"I'm normal -> so are you" 
neither of us commands a position of moral superiority, which was never of any value anyway, so we must fix the problem and discard the label. 

OP : I have great sympathy for both of you. Only by both accepting that which you cannot change about each other will you make progress here. So don't ask "Am I a prude? or (just as bad) Is my husband a deviant?" It doesn't matter. The answer, whichever you receive and are inclined to believe, will not help you solve your problem.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Cletus said:


> So the OP is normal in the not certifiably abnormal sense. She is not a prude. Her husband is normal too, perhaps with a limited ability to express his dissatisfaction in a productive way.


No. The expectations, nay ORDERS from her husband are not within the bounds of mentally healthy. Let's leave the word normal all the way out of the conversation. The castigation of her desire to have some input into their bedroom where, in his mind, everything SHOULD be on the table, is outside the bounds of mentally healthy.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Cletus said:


> So the OP is normal in the not certifiably abnormal sense. She is not a prude. Her husband is normal too, perhaps with a limited ability to express his dissatisfaction in a productive way.
> 
> So where does that leave us? Asking a different question, with a completely different answer.
> 
> ...


Welcome back, Cletus! 

I don’t have much opinion on this one because I haven’t read all the posts. But wanted to say hi.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Welcome back, Cletus!
> 
> I don’t have much opinion on this one because I haven’t read all the posts. But wanted to say hi.


Thanks. I triggered. I'm already regretting it .


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Cletus said:


> Thanks. I triggered. I'm already regretting it .


Oh man. Did I head smack you? Sorry.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I may have missed it, but it seemed that *what* her husband wanted was not very unusual (eg, to watch her masturbate with a toy), but that *how* he asked, and then insisted was the problem. 

Its possible I missed some more exotic request of his. 

I still tend to agree with Cleatus - "normal" doesn't matter. Compatibility matters and how someone deals with a lack of compatibility matters. 




NobodySpecial said:


> No. The expectations, nay ORDERS from her husband are not within the bounds of mentally healthy. Let's leave the word normal all the way out of the conversation. The castigation of her desire to have some input into their bedroom where, in his mind, everything SHOULD be on the table, is outside the bounds of mentally healthy.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Thanks. I triggered. I'm already regretting it .


:bunny:

Sorry. Here’s an emotional support bunny for you. :x


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

uhtred said:


> I may have missed it, but it seemed that *what* her husband wanted was not very unusual (eg, to watch her masturbate with a toy), but that *how* he asked, and then insisted was the problem.
> 
> Its possible I missed some more exotic request of his.
> 
> I still tend to agree with Cleatus - "normal" doesn't matter. Compatibility matters and how someone deals with a lack of compatibility matters.


Agreed. Her husband's behavior is bad, but it's a symptom, not the underlying problem.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Agreed. Her husband's behavior is bad, but it's a symptom, not the underlying problem.


Would you say the problem is just that they are mismatched in this area?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

not cleatus, but IMHO: There are 2 different problmes
1) they are mismatched (eg he wants things she doesn't). 

2) His behavior with respect to that mismatch is bad. (eg trying to pressure her into things she doesn't want).

It would be very possible for 1 to be true, but not 2 in other relationships but 1 would still be a problme 




Faithful Wife said:


> Would you say the problem is just that they are mismatched in this area?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

^^^^^^^



Faithful Wife said:


> Would you say the problem is just that they are mismatched in this area?


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Marriage vows require husband's to relinquish the viewing and use of porn. Plain and simple. Forsake all others. Adultery of the "heart". The fact that hubby and our culture doesn't recognize this truth is too bad, but that doesn't mean it isn't the truth.

I think a man's repeated and habitual abuse of his wife and his vows really means that the marriage has already been destroyed. You could talk to a priest about it and seek an annulment and divorce. Clearly he has no intention of honoring, loving, and being true to you. Rather, he wants you join in his depravity.

I think this underscores the importance of getting married in the church. The vows aren't really open to interpretation. It sounds like hubby has made up his own mind about what marriage is... And it's based entirely on his bodily satisfaction. I'm so sorry but from the outside looking in, there isn't a marriage to "save" ... That is, if he persists in his disordered appetites.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

CatholicDad said:


> I think this underscores the importance of getting married in the church...


Married in the Church here, Dad. 

Didn't help me one damn bit. It was in fact the single largest contributor to the problem in that sex is 1) off limits before marriage, so one has no opportunity to really discover sexual mismatch and 2) at least at the time (1984) sex was not covered in the Church mandated and approved pre-marital counseling conducted by a resident lay couple.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

CatholicDad said:


> I think this underscores the importance of getting married in the church. The vows aren't really open to interpretation. It sounds like hubby has made up his own mind about what marriage is... And it's based entirely on his bodily satisfaction. I'm so sorry but from the outside looking in, there isn't a marriage to "save" ... That is, if he persists in his disordered appetites.



In addition to what @Cletus correctly said, the fact is that divorce rates are similar in and out of the church, as are infidelity rates, and porn use rates. And of those who only stay married because the church told them to, it's generally gonna' be an unhappy marriage. 

The presence of the Church is no guarantee, or even promise of a higher probability, of having a healthy marriage. Indeed, it can be quite stifling and end up preventing exactly what it purports to promote.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Married in the Church here, Dad.
> 
> Didn't help me one damn bit. It was in fact the single largest contributor to the problem in that sex is 1) off limits before marriage, so one has no opportunity to really discover sexual mismatch and 2) at least at the time (1984) sex was not covered in the Church mandated and approved pre-marital counseling conducted by a resident lay couple.


I think we should scare the living **** out of every doe eyed young person wanting to get married, and make them read and study TAM for 3 months, and then they have to do a written report about what the most common reasons for martial problems are, and a separate paper about why and how sex stays good or doesn't.

Watch them all have some second thoughts and giggle about it.

And maybe if some of them actually realize what they were about to step into they might change direction and avoid a divorce.

But probably not. :|


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

uhtred said:


> I may have missed it, but it seemed that *what* her husband wanted was not very unusual (eg, to watch her masturbate with a toy), but that *how* he asked, and then insisted was the problem.
> 
> Its possible I missed some more exotic request of his.
> 
> *I still tend to agree with Cleatus - "normal" doesn't matter.* Compatibility matters and how someone deals with a lack of compatibility matters.


Me too to bolded.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> I think we should scare the living **** out of every doe eyed young person wanting to get married, and make them read and study TAM for 3 months, and then they have to do a written report about what the most common reasons for martial problems are, and a separate paper about why and how sex stays good or doesn't.
> 
> Watch them all have some second thoughts and giggle about it.
> 
> ...


Ah, the ol' take 'em to the marriage morgue for a taste of what hormone-inebriated engagements lead to. Open the drawer, examine the toe tag, hurl your lunch. 

I like it.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Ah, the ol' take 'em to the marriage morgue for a taste of what hormone-inebriated engagements lead to. Open the drawer, examine the toe tag, hurl your lunch.
> 
> I like it.


It would blow their freaking minds.

I want to do it just to be mean. >


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Would you say the problem is just that they are mismatched in this area?


I wouldn't. I would say the problem is a lack of empathy and common understanding.


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## plansanddreams (May 2, 2019)

I want to give an update on my situation.

My husband was fired from his job for sexual harassment.

His side of the story is that she was harassing him. 

I think at this point, he has a sexual addiction and is controlled by his hormones.

He should have kept this out of his career if he wanted to sleep with someone.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

So sorry to hear that.

Are you in a position to handle the loss of income?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

plansanddreams said:


> I want to give an update on my situation.
> 
> My husband was fired from his job for sexual harassment.
> 
> His side of the story is that she was harassing him.


If you don't mind my asking, what were the circumstances, as far as you know them?


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## plansanddreams (May 2, 2019)

Cletus said:


> If you don't mind my asking, what were the circumstances, as far as you know them?


He was out of town on business, went out for drinks with some women, and one of them began an inappropriate conversation, which he decided to participate in. He had too much to drink. The things he said were later used against him.

that's his story.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Do you think any husband is actually going to tell his wife: Yes I sexually harassed her.

His issues are at home and work. I don't think there is any reason to question yourself over his problems. 

Your comfort level with certain acts are yours to own .... not his to force you into changing.

Given the current circumstances I'd say he is surely the issue.


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## plansanddreams (May 2, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> Do you think any husband is actually going to tell his wife: Yes I sexually harassed her.
> 
> His issues are at home and work. I don't think there is any reason to question yourself over his problems.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your input. We saw a marriage counselor years ago who told me "I" was the problem. I suspect it was because she knew he was paying for the counseling and not me, so she sided with him.

I'd like to consider leaving him if I could stay in the house with my kids and get a better paying job. I just don't know if that would be possible right now. It might be easier when they get older.

He is painting himself as the victim with the sexual harassment allegations at his job. He says his female co-worker tried to kiss him in the bar after too many drinks. He said he pulled away from her. There was inappropriate conversation going on as well. He admitted to some of it when he was fired.

He has lost several jobs over the years. The chronic job loss is another issue.

Also, I can't leave the kids alone with him because he lets them wander out of the house. He goes in his room, gets on the phone and they just wander out of the house. They are only 4 years old. It happened just the other day. I only went to the store for 15 minutes and came home, and they had gotten out the window. 

I don't believe that me doing the sexual things he wants, will cure his problem.

Also, I have known quite a few people who had a great sex life in their marriage but got divorced anyway. Some of them were still having sex regularly during the divorce, even after. So it's pretty clear to me that sex does not solve all problems.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

plansanddreams said:


> Also, I have known quite a few people who had a great sex life in their marriage but got divorced anyway. Some of them were still having sex regularly during the divorce, even after. So it's pretty clear to me that sex does not solve all problems.



Indeed you are VERY correct !


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

plansanddreams said:


> Thanks for your input. We saw a marriage counselor years ago who told me "I" was the problem. I suspect it was because she knew he was paying for the counseling and not me, so she sided with him.


So your response to counseling, when you heard an opinion that you did not like was to suspect that the counselor was acting in bad faith?

Does that not sound disingenuous to you? 

This is starting to sound like a very complex issue between you two that exceeds the pay grade of a user forum, but given the above, it's not clear that professional counseling would be of much use either unless you heard what you wanted to hear from the counselor. Combined with your husband's clear boundary issues on sexuality, any help we can provide is probably small compared to the need.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Although I'm fairly liberal about bedroom activities, your husband should not try to make you do something you don't want to do.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

plansanddreams said:


> I don't believe that me doing the sexual things he wants, will cure his problem.
> 
> Also, I have known quite a few people who had a great sex life in their marriage but got divorced anyway. Some of them were still having sex regularly during the divorce, even after. So it's pretty clear to me that sex does not solve all problems.


A strong sexual relationship does not cure problems, but instead it is viewed as a place to heal from them. For example a recently divorced person will sometimes find a new sexual relationship right away and it will be euphoric. This is because the respective sexual pleasure is being used to numb the pain of the recent divorce. Once that pain has naturally subsided, so does the euphoria of the new sexual relationship. Did the sex cure anything? No, but it made the wounds of a recent divorce less painful. 

In a monogamous long term relationship this same sexual euphoria can occur. It is called "hysterical bonding sex" which about reestablishing a broken connection and trying to heal it. The divorcing couple you described were probably experiencing that in the form up something like break-up sex, which would be euphoric. It is the couple being very aware that they are hurting each other too much to stay together, but at the same time trying to help each other reduce the pain in a way that reconnects them hysterically in a sexual context. 

Not sure if that makes any sense...

Badsanta


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

plansanddreams said:


> He wants new and different things, like trying bondage, handcuffs things like that. Things he never wanted before. He says it is all mainstream and everyone does it, so therefore, I should to. I have done these things with him a few times. He gets upset if he thinks I am faking enjoying it. Just me agreeing to do it isn't enough for him, he seeks a level of enthusiasm from me. I know he watches porn a lot and may be sort of addicted to it, and gets his ideas from internet porn.




My opinion is that this is abuse. I haven’t read the whole thread yet, but you should never ever have to do anything sexually that you are opposed to or uncomfortable with. This is not the actions of a man who loves you. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Ok so I just read through and saw the update where he was fired for sexual harassment. I think you need to come to terms with the fact that you are married to a pig of a man who is 99% most likely cheating on you. His actions toward you sexually and his porn issue indicate to me that all those jobs he has lost have most likely been due to similar issues as this last one. Either he harasses women and makes them uncomfortable, or he got caught screwing around with a coworker. I think there is much more here than just what you have been seeing. 

I would be seriously considering a divorce at this point. His disrespect of you is staggering. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

My initial thought was to tell him that anything you want to do is okay between husband and wife, and you want him to lay down and open wide while you empty your bowels into his mouth, and you will not compromise on this.

But after reading the sexual harassment stuff, it sounds like this guy should be kicked to the curb.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I think your husband has a hyper-sexualized view of the world. Every woman is a ****, and he can **** everything, in every way, that he wants.

I really don't think he understands the difference between fantasy/porn, and how a REAL relationship should work. 

Clearly there are other issues going on with him..


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Without some central authority (such as what marriage and marital sex is) then that means it is all open to interpretation. Hubby thinks a committed marriage is that wife performs how he wants and he consumes porn and chases co-workers.

You can quote statistics that supposedly support that Christian marriage is just as doomed however in my fairly long life I've seen that not to be true. Although, admittedly, most Christians are lukewarm to say the least.

My interpretation is that hubby is "sick" and completely in need of help, reconciliation, and if he wants it forgiveness. It certainly doesn't help that most of our culture would NOT stand up and admit he has a problem. Most people would claim "find out what works in your marriage".. hogwash!


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

CatholicDad said:


> Without some central authority (such as what marriage and marital sex is) then that means it is all open to interpretation. Hubby thinks a committed marriage is that wife performs how he wants and he consumes porn and chases co-workers.
> 
> You can quote statistics that supposedly support that Christian marriage is just as doomed however in my fairly long life I've seen that not to be true. Although, admittedly, most Christians are lukewarm to say the least.
> 
> My interpretation is that hubby is "sick" and completely in need of help, reconciliation, and if he wants it forgiveness. It certainly doesn't help that most of our culture would NOT stand up and admit he has a problem. Most people would claim "find out what works in your marriage".. hogwash!


From a practical standpoint, whether or not it's on the way out is not the problem with pushing Christian marriage as a solution. The fact that rates of infidelity, divorce, and porn use are no different in Christian marriage is.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> CatholicDad said:
> 
> 
> > Without some central authority (such as what marriage and marital sex is) then that means it is all open to interpretation. Hubby thinks a committed marriage is that wife performs how he wants and he consumes porn and chases co-workers.
> ...


I’m not sure about infidelity and porn, but I do think there is a slightly lower percentage of divorce in Christian marriages.

Which is not really important to your point. But I always wondered if that slight difference was because some Christians simply will not divorce regardless of the quality or success of their marriage.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Faithful Wife said:


> I’m not sure about infidelity and porn, but I do think there is a slightly lower percentage of divorce in Christian marriages.
> 
> Which is not really important to your point. But I always wondered if that slight difference was because some Christians simply will not divorce regardless of the quality or success of their marriage.


Yes, that is very true. Better for two people to spend their earthly life in misery than for them to have had sex with more than one person. After all, life is short and whether or not you get into heaven is eternity.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> > I’m not sure about infidelity and porn, but I do think there is a slightly lower percentage of divorce in Christian marriages.
> ...


I’m always a little torn about catholic dads posts.

There is a place that is sacred within a sexual relationship. If that place is soiled, the sex just isn’t as good.

In committed relationships where both are expected to be faithful, and especially in those where one partner is doing something on the side the other isn’t fully aware of, I feel that is actually soiling the sacred relationship.

Sacred to me has to do with intimacy and connection. Not the church. However I do have a deeply spiritual connection with sex and it is sometimes sacred, sometimes not. Sex can be sacred, which happens when both partners ultimately truly delve into only each other.

But it doesn’t have to be and I don’t think god cares one way or the other. I think unconditional love goes much deeper than what we weak human beings get up to.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Hmm....this thread brings a few issues to mind, some of which are general for all relationships, some are specific to OP's situation.

Regarding OP's situation---when looking at EVERYTHING---his sexual demands, his porn use, his firing due to sexual harassment--it seems like he has a problem here. So advice for relationships in general would not necessarily apply here. 

In your specific case, OP, it looks like your husband has specific issues which go far beyond the bedroom demands on you, but also impact his demands on you. Those need to be addressed, and may actually mean you need to separate from him/divorce him.

Now, speaking in general, I think people in relationships--if they really love and care for that person--would want to do their best to make their partner happy. The partner doesn't have a RIGHT to DEMAND it...but rather the person should ideally feel a RESPONSIBILITY to do their best to make their partner happy. The advice columnist Dan Savage calls it being, "Good, Giving and Game." (GGG). That doesn't mean not having limits---every person has the absolute last word on what their limits are. But in setting those limits, keep in mind what should be your desire to make your spouse or partner--the central person in your most important relationship--feel happy, loved and valued.

The GGG ideally flows naturally out of the affection and bond in the relationship. Here is a link to a short article by a PhD sex researcher at the prestigious Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, which says it FAR, FAR better than I ever will:

https://www.salon.com/2012/09/12/science_proves_it_dan_savage_is_right/

and other link from another PhD sex researcher (not as powerful as the prior link, in my opinion):

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-passion-paradox/201208/are-you-ggg


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

The fact FW that you believe something can be sacred is in fact admitting a belief in God. Further, believing that a relationship can be soiled is also admitting "rules" which infers that sin and evil does exist. 

RMY, you can't really down Christianity by statistics can you? Is that how you make life decisions, or are you able to look into your own heart.

I'll restate that I believe hubby has a morality problem. He needs to admit it.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

CatholicDad said:


> The fact FW that you believe something can be sacred is in fact admitting a belief in God. Further, believing that a relationship can be soiled is also admitting "rules" which infers that sin and evil does exist.
> 
> RMY, you can't really down Christianity by statistics can you? Is that how you make life decisions, or are you able to look into your own heart.
> 
> I'll restate that I believe hubby has a morality problem. He needs to admit it.


Ack.

CD, I do believe in God, it’s just not the God you describe.

Dude you’re sooooo judgemental!! Leave that to God!!

I really understand the essence of what you are saying but you’re so judgmental no one will listen to you.

When I talk about sacred fidelity people don’t listen to me either. But that’s probably because they know I’m kooky in some ways including my sexuality. 

So hey we are saying the same things but it’s just that I don’t judge people on God’s behalf. 

And besides I think God loves us and sex and all of that. 

I wish we could talk on the same page, we are closer than you think.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Faithful Wife said:


> CatholicDad said:
> 
> 
> > The fact FW that you believe something can be sacred is in fact admitting a belief in God. Further, believing that a relationship can be soiled is also admitting "rules" which infers that sin and evil does exist.
> ...


Which God do you speak of?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Which God do you speak of?


Mr. UpsideDown, you and I have a contentious relationship at best. I do not feel you would be sincere and kind to me if I discussed my personal beliefs about God, nor would it be relevant here.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

CatholicDad said:


> The fact FW that you believe something can be sacred is in fact admitting a belief in God. Further, believing that a relationship can be soiled is also admitting "rules" which infers that sin and evil does exist.
> 
> RMY, you can't really down Christianity by statistics can you? Is that how you make life decisions, or are you able to look into your own heart.
> 
> I'll restate that I believe hubby has a morality problem. He needs to admit it.


I looked in my heart, but God wasn't there. He was either hiding under the bed or out for a beer. 

God does not exist, but I can still find the sacred in life. And thank "God" that I don't need a fairytale to give my life meaning.

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Cletus said:


> CatholicDad said:
> 
> 
> > The fact FW that you believe something can be sacred is in fact admitting a belief in God. Further, believing that a relationship can be soiled is also admitting "rules" which infers that sin and evil does exist.
> ...


Even though I do believe in God, I also don’t think it matters if we do or don’t. I think atheists have the most logical belief system and that if there is a god he could give AF if we believe in him or not. 

That said, God told me to tell you Cletus that yes he was getting a beer.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Even though I do believe in God, I also don’t think it matters if we do or don’t. I think atheists have the most logical belief system and that if there is a god he could give AF if we believe in him or not.
> 
> That said, God told me to tell you Cletus that yes he was getting a beer.


As long as it wasn't one of those overhopped IPAs that every local brewery is churning out these days, we're good.

But then again, MY God would only drink single malt.

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> > Even though I do believe in God, I also don’t think it matters if we do or don’t. I think atheists have the most logical belief system and that if there is a god he could give AF if we believe in him or not.
> ...


He laughed and thunder roared, and then he said that heaven has beers you’ve never dreamed of. But he also said there is not actually a hell and everyone ends up in heaven. So there is zero chance you will not get to have the heavenly beer in your blessed afterlife.

Also there’s lots of sex there too!


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Clearly, there is a God or we'd have no sense of right and wrong in our hearts.

Thinking that he is just a big buddy that takes everyone to heaven is incredibly immature. Not what the good book says!

It also immature to believe he answers every prayer just the way we want it answered.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Cletus, God was there but you didn't look or listen hard enough to find him.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

CatholicDad said:


> Clearly, there is a God or we'd have no sense of right and wrong in our hearts.
> It's immature to have to rely on someone else, real or imaginary, to do our thinking for us. Knowing the immorality that runs rampant through so many Christians, and the goodness that resides in so many nonbelievers, the idea that it's only a Christian God who can tell us right from wrong is, well..... immature.
> 
> Thinking that he is just a big buddy that takes everyone to heaven is incredibly immature. Not what the good book says!
> ...


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Those alter boys learn young from the priest: Its not my fault child .... God told me to do it.

Religion has been used to displace personal responsibility for ages. Fake face it all you want ...


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Ok, so God doesn't exist and hubby should just sew his wild oats in whatever manner he please? Is that what the non-believers argue for?

So nothing is sacred?.. certainly not marriage or marital sexuality.

Insult me and my religion all you want. I'm glad I believe differently. Porn is destroying marriages everywhere. That's proven in this thread, proven statistically, and proven in the marriages of people I know personally. But y'all can keep your disgusting porn habits (Cletus, Mr.Married, Yeti, etc). Just keep defending it via jokes, insults, and "statistics". How did men get so lost that a nasty habit could become so loved!!

You guys ought to be ashamed. Your fathers and grandfathers would be.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

*Since this is NOT a religious thread*, I will say to the OP that regardless of the whole "You should WANT to so your spouse will be happy," the bottom line is that if something makes YOU unhappy or uncomfortable, HE should not be demanding it. It cuts both ways.

These things tend to always go the same way when it is a woman who feels uncomfortable doing something in bed. I am pretty adventurous, but I am not an at-will sex doll. I am a human. Thank God my hubby understands that.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with all these things.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

CatholicDad said:


> Cletus, God was there but you didn't look or listen hard enough to find him.


Oh, pooh. I cleaned a bunch of dust bunnies from under the bed, but Jesus was nowhere to be found. He's really REALLY good at hide and seek.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

CatholicDad said:


> Ok, so God doesn't exist and hubby should just sew his wild oats in whatever manner he please? Is that what the non-believers argue for?
> 
> So nothing is sacred?.. certainly not marriage or marital sexuality.
> 
> ...


Not sure where you get the idea I think I should sew those seeds where ever I want as I have never been divorced or cheated.

Sacred Marriage or marital sexuality: Not sacred as I don't apply spiritual responsibility to my marriage .... I do however apply personal responsibility.

Porn: I don't see where I have a porn habit as I'm not all that much into it and it surely hasn't had any effect on my marriage.


Seems my personal beliefs have served my marriage quite well. I have no reason to believe anyone I know, grandfather or otherwise would be disappointed in that.

You talk about porn so much in your post it seems your the one with the porn issue not that I'm saying your a user. 

As this thread is about sexual compatibility, I don't see where my belief or nonbelief has caused any issue sexual or marital within my wife and I compatibility.

The difference between you and @Diana7 is that she isn't trying so hard to jam it down others throat. I'm more into letting people believe whatever they want. I'll leave the "you must only believe this" to the politicians and religious.

A bit of tolerance for others beliefs is a good thing.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Mr.Married said:


> A bit of tolerance for others beliefs is a good thing.


I see you brought a knife to a gun fight.


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