# I'm about to have an affair



## infidel (Aug 18, 2011)

Hi!

So i've been with my husband for 6-7 years and he's the greatest, he really is. During most of our life together I've had a mood disorder and he's been there for me while I was massively depressed. Looking after me, taking control of everything.

Over the last year or so I've been getting better and my personality has changed to the point where i dont need looking after anymore, and it felt for a while like I was being smothered and I resent the thing i 'wasnt allowed' to do. We've never spent an evening apart since our first night together, and up until now we were joined at the hip - literally the only time we were apart was at work.

So then I met this guy (who is married) who I thought was amazing. Husband said i talked about him too much and I realized I was crushing, but we had so much in common that our lives intertwined quite fast, now we're friends with all his friends etc. I thought about him all the time and he makes me so happy.

Anyway the other day I went to kiss him on the cheek, and he went to kiss me back but properly. Then we just stood there holding hands not knowing what to say apart from "uh-oh".

I feel like I'm not in love with my supremely wonderful husband anymore - and I also feel like I haven't tried hard enough to repair our marriage since I've come out of my depression, but I'm having an emotional affair now. I know we narrowly avoided kissing but it may as well be an affair. And it sorta feels awesome.

I'm not really sure of what to do.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Pretty simple, really.

End all contact with the other man, or end your marriage.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Grayson said:


> Pretty simple, really.
> 
> End all contact with the other man, or end your marriage.


:iagree:

If your husband truly is wonderful, don't destroy him like this.

Stop contact with this other man and put that effort towards your amazing husband.

You are in control. Don't act like this is just happening to you.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Grayson said:


> Pretty simple, really.
> 
> End all contact with the other man, or end your marriage.


IMO, she should go and be with the OM who's married. Not the guy who sacrificed part of his life helping his sick wife get better. Guess that means nothing to her.

Hey honey, thanks for helping me but spread your legs and let me give you a kick in the nuts because that's the thanks I have for you helping me through my depression.

You're on a path to self destruction and taking your husband along with you for the ride. In the end you'll end up messed up again and guess who'll have to pick up all the pieces again, that sucker of a husband.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

End all contact with the OM (other man) NOW and forever.

If you think this will turn out good in the end, you are delusional. You are at the point of destroying multiple lives - your husband's, your children (if you have any), the OM's wife and her children, and yours as well.

You think your mood disorder is something? Just wait until you see the destruction brought upon your selfish and immature behavior. 

Sadly by the time you come out of the fog, it may be too late for your husband to want anything to do with you.


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## infidel (Aug 18, 2011)

wow, harsh

but thank you for the reality check!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

"You think your mood disorder is something? Just wait until you see the destruction brought upon your selfish and immature behavior. "

:iagree:


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## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> IMO, she should go and be with the OM who's married. Not the guy who sacrificed part of his life helping his sick wife get better. Guess that means nothing to her.
> 
> Hey honey, thanks for helping me but spread your legs and let me give you a kick in the nuts because that's the thanks I have for you helping me through my depression.
> 
> You're on a path to self destruction and taking your husband along with you for the ride. In the end you'll end up messed up again and guess who'll have to pick up all the pieces again, that sucker of a husband.


:iagree:

He's helped you through everything and then you "repay" him like this? I'm the WW in my situation. You need to end all contact with OM or leave your husband. You cant have your cake and eat it too


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

infidel said:


> wow, harsh
> 
> but thank you for the reality check!


Before you do this.. Read here what it will do to your husband. What it will do to your family. What it will do to you.

This crush will cost you your life as you know it.


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## infidel (Aug 18, 2011)

yeah i thought I was evil. My friends are seeing thing differently though, that I'm not being treated right by my husband.

You guys are right though. I'm evil!


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

infidel said:


> wow, harsh
> 
> but thank you for the reality check!


I'm trying to be harsh, to hopefully wake you up. I was in your shoes and I fell. Luckily my wife took me back and now I have 3 beautiful daughters and a loving wife (although at times I wonder about that :rofl

If i had followed my heart (at the time) my life would have been pretty hard. Family was gonna disown me, wife kicking me out.

Your husband might not take you back if you follow this path. And trust me, the OM will not stick with you if your mood swings changes back for the worst and in the end you'll have nothing and be at the bottom looking up and wondering what you just did to yourself.

And to your friends, do they know all that he has done to help you get better? Of do they only see the guy who says that maybe you shouldn't be doing this or that because it might trigger something to make you regress?

Like i said, talk to your husband and explain that the 2 of you don't need to be together 24/7 but you also have to show to him that you can be trusted. At this point, i wouldn't trust you at all either with the way you're talking to this married man.

Remember who's stuck with you through all the good and bad times. Yes your husband might be attached to your hip but that's something that can be worked on. And maybe he's attached at the hip because he knows what can cause you to go down the path of despair again and is trying to make sure that doesn't happen.


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## howcouldshe (Jul 18, 2011)

Take the advise that you are getting on here and end all contact with the OM and focus that energy on your husband, if he is as great as you say he is and has done as much as he has for you then you owe it to trying to make YOUR marriage work, as others have said this guy is married and the odds of him leaving his wife are slim to none, think the depression was bad when you life is at rock bottom when this blows up it will be 10 times worse.

DONT DO IT, you can stop and turn back now before it is to late.
Ask yourself how would you feel if your husband did what you are about to do to YOU.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Your friends don't know and probably have issues of their own.

They could also be jealous of you for having such an amazing, wonderful husband.

Stop listening to your friends.

No one said you were evil...just in the fog.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

infidel said:


> wow, harsh
> 
> but thank you for the reality check!


Our words are nothing compared to the reality that awaits you once you go beyond the point of no return. All your tears and pleas will fall on your husbands' deaf ears for you will be unable to undo the damage you will have caused him.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

infidel said:


> yeah i thought I was evil. My friends are seeing thing differently though, that I'm not being treated right by my husband.
> 
> You guys are right though. I'm evil!


Your not evil. You are here asking advice. TAKE IT..

You will inflict the worst pain you could ever imagine on your husband without killing him. In fact he will probably have the "gun in the mouth" moment to stop the pain!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

infidel said:


> yeah i thought I was evil. My friends are seeing thing differently though, that I'm not being treated right by my husband.


Some 'friends' you have there. Tell me, are they going to be around to pick you up after your husband leaves you?



> You guys are right though. I'm evil!


Evil is as evil does.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

You should read this post: "A message to the single friends of marrieds.." your friends are not good.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Geoffrey Marsh said:


> You should read this post: "A message to the single friends of marrieds.." your friends are not good.


Yea, single friends of married people have no idea. This is not just a relationship or dating or whatever. It's a marriage.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

infidel said:


> wow, harsh
> 
> but thank you for the reality check!


Harsh, is having the person you have supported and loved above all else open her legs and be banged by some guy who has invested nothing in her life. This to the BS is like being raped. That is harsh. It is a very cruel and hateful thing to do. When people do this they instinctively know it is a betrayal and a violation fo the relationship and their spouse, so they have to rationalize it to themselves by revising history. 

You do realize that what you are involved in is an EA that you want to make a PA. You are just under the influence of the dopamine you are getting from this loser OM who wants to knock off a piece. It is addictive. You must go NC to get through it. But you are so far gone now you actually need your loving spouse to help you. But you won't tell them. Instead you will bang this other guy and feel justified becasue your spouse who has done all of the heavy lifting and stayed with you is just too caring. He deserves to be humiliated and emasculated as a reward for his faithfulness and loyalty to you. The OM is married to someone else. He will dump you once he has defiled you and had his fun. He cannot really love you because you have showed yourself to be a cheater. Nobody wants to love a cheater. You will never again be that woman your husband once loved. That will be gone forever.

So bang away and you will run on the high for a bit but you will have destroyed your marriage and your husband. Good job!!!

I have no idea how your hubby will react. Some men just crumble. Others get really mad. A few get really mad and violent. So food for thought.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

infidel said:


> yeah i thought I was evil. My friends are seeing thing differently though, that I'm not being treated right by my husband.
> 
> You guys are right though. I'm evil!


Many friends are toxic. No you are not evil. Just naive and having a little fun on the internet. You are probably very young or otherwise selfish and immature. That is why you proclaim yourself to be evil. Tee Hee. Naughty even. How fun!? :sleeping:


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey infidel---what you are is bored---as you say, you have been with one person your whole life, now all of a sudden, you wanna sow some wild oats

I imagine you spend a lot of time thinking about your AP-----why don't you spend that time thinking about how to spice up your mge, and make it something other than same old, same old, with your, as you say, wonderful H.

You are in hot passion right now---but let me tell you this, that passion WILL wear off, and you will see your lover as just another guy with all the same faults everyone else has

But in the meantime, what you will have done---is to WRECK 2 FAMILIES

Cause irreparable harm to any children involved, and hurt innocent spouses, along with extended family members

You say some of your friends, are telling you to go for the A.---they need to be gotten rid of, also----You need to stop contact with your lover, and that needs to be as of yesterday

You have no idea of what awaits you, if you cheat----but I will tell you this----read, everyone of these posts on everyone of these websites, and you will know what awaits you

None of what is said here, may have any effect on your brain---but let us hope for your sake it does get thru

If you are absolutely bound and determined to be with your scumbag lover, then at least get a D. before you proceed any further along with your cheating---but, know this, even if you d. your H.---YOU ARE STILL A HOMEWRECKER IN RE:YOUR LOVERS MGE., SPOUSE, AND KIDS


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

Just cut contact with this man. 
Do not start an affair you will regret it. You will destroy your husband and yourself. 

Try spending some time with you husband and fall in love with him again. 

Do not act on infatuation. Cut the other man off.


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## SIP (Jul 27, 2011)

Your friends say your husband does not treat you right, and you think the best recourse would be to have an affair? Your husband helped you through a difficult time in your life and you can only think to pay him back by betraying him. Sounds to me that maybe your mood disorder may not be as under control as you think. Go back to your IC and talk about this self destructive behavior you are indulging in. 

As far as your 'friends' .... friends don't make it a point to interfere in marriages, not true friends. Were your friends there for you when you went through your depression and mood changes? I can almost bet these friends are lacking something in their own life, maybe their own relationship, because stable people do not suggest affairs as a way to overcome marital problems. 

As far as the OM, what do you hope to gain from an affair with him? Are you really that naive to believe you are so special that he would leave his wife for you? No the reality is more likely is he just wants a piece of a--. Meanwhile you two are destroying the lives, security and stability of your spouse's. Stop thinking of yourself and stay away from this OM. If you are unhappy in your marriage, either fix it or divorce him ... divorce is not illegal! Marriage is not a joke and vows were actually meant to be a spiritual contract joining two people. When the going gets tough is not the time to run to someone else, it is the time to hold your partner even closer to your heart and overcome it together. 

I hope you really listen to the advice of the people here and do not betray your marriage, your husband or yourself. Also keep in mind the OM's wife, do you know her well enough that if she found out about your affair, that she wouldn't turn your entire world upside down? Think outside the box, and think of the consequences vs. chasing some euphoric feeling that is temporary and could actually just be another symptom of your mood disorder.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

infidel said:


> yeah i thought I was evil. My friends are seeing thing differently though, that I'm not being treated right by my husband.
> 
> You guys are right though. I'm evil!


wow, this statement alone says everything

the polarity of it implies that you are still in a severe mood swing

mood disorders are not just depression, they can also be manic
and when youre manic you can do some really destructive stuff (trust me I know this first hand)

get to your shrink now and tell him of your recent emotions, you likely need a change in medication to help quell the manic thoughts and feelings you are experiencing


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## Lily_B (Jul 28, 2011)

You have to make a choice immediately!

1. End ALL contact with OM and concentrate on making your relationship work with the wonderful husband who has supported you and loves you.

OR

2. You leave your husband and live in a delusional life with the OM and will probably end up alone.

WHATEVER you do - do NOT drag your husband through it along with you, it will destroy him!!

Lily


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

If my freinds were badmouthing my wife they would be put in their place, especially promoting an affair. Get new ones.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I will not judge you as evil.
You are about to unleash holy hell on your husband, your family, and your affair partner's family, though.
Your friends are building their lives up by tearing your life apart. Happens all the time.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

infidel said:


> wow, harsh


No one is being harsh. You asked for advice and you are getting it. 

This:



infidel said:


> My friends are seeing thing differently though, that I'm not being treated right by my husband.


Doesn't match this: 



infidel said:


> So i've been with my husband for 6-7 years and *he's the greatest, he really is*. During most of our life together I've had a mood disorder and *he's been there for me *while I was massively depressed. *Looking after me, taking control of everything.*
> 
> I feel like I'm not in love with *my supremely wonderful husband *


Your husband already senses something is off:



infidel said:


> Husband said i talked about him too much and I realized I was crushing


And he will find out. These things always come to light. At the worst time ever. 

So like the first poster said: either end your marriage with a divorce OR axe the OM and work on your marriage. Yes, it really is that simple. Those are your only two options. 

I am guessing you can't run off into the sunset with OM since he's...also married. Think about his wife. Really. For one brief second. How would you feel if your husband was having an emotional affair with her behind your back? 

I have been you (sans OM being married/partnered). I am warning you, you are about to open the floodgates to hell. 

Your choice.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

infidel said:


> Hi!
> 
> So i've been with my husband for 6-7 years and he's the greatest, he really is. During most of our life together I've had a mood disorder and he's been there for me while I was massively depressed. Looking after me, taking control of everything.
> 
> ...


All I can think when I read this in it's entirety was ARE YOU FREAKIN SERIOUS!!!! 
You are no longer in love with your supremely wonderful husband and the fact that you are headed toward a affair that can and will shatter the life of a true god send into your life ( and apparently it means NOTHING to you). Any children involved ( but hey to Hell with them right cause this is awesome) and his wife who for all intents and purposes loves and trust her husband and may think she has a good marriage. But I am sure that doesn't matter to you because you started it by planting the kiss on the cheek. And you say ppl are being harsh. WOW.....then what are you being. 
Yes, please read about the lasting effects that your awesome feeling will have on everyones life even yours. Also there is a thread here where a woman's husband could not handle her affair and took his life. There is also one on here where a man's wife cheated and he had no clue until he went to the Doctor for one thing and told he is HIV positive.
STILL AWESOME???!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sexuallyfustrated said:


> Also there is a thread here where a woman's husband could not handle her affair and took his life.


Whoa. Where is that thread?

I know of one story where the husband cheated, filed divorce (the wife wanted to reconcile but he didn't--she fought the D every step of the way)... a few months after the divorce him committed suicide. He told her he'd never forgive himself for what he did.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You mean you would trade in a man who cares so much about you and loves you that he stuck with you through your illness? You would betray, deeply wound him and humiliate him. All of this just to be a peice of meat for this man. 

You think this OM that you have so much in common with is going to take care of you when you are depressed? You may feel better know but it is not unusual to have relapses and a need for a change in mess. He is not looking to have a relationship with you nor is he looking for a woman to take care of. He is looking for some free and easy sex. Your married so you will not make any trouble when he finds a new woman who is foolish enough to provide him with sexual variety and stabilize his marriage. 

You my dear are a fool and I say that in the kindest way I can - you are contemplating the most aggregeous betrayal in human relationships. First you frivolously give your self to a worthless man to use, you throw away a man who has loved and cared for you while you could not care for yourself and then you are destroying the family of this OM. You are participating in hurting a kindred sordid his wife the mother of his kids. You are a wife and mother, what would you feel. 

I don't understand why you are so happy - you are a worldwind of destruction and heartless frivolity. Why are you so happy? . You are about to throw away a man who would protect you and give up his life for you for a dishonest, selfish user. How can you be so ungrateful, what did your husband do to you to make you so cruel towards him? 

You give yourself freely to a man who has done nothing for you and is using you to boot. Do you see why you are a fool. You give up so much for virtually nothing. You will end up with nothing but regret. 

When you lose your husband and he has moved on to a mire worthy woman and this man is finished using you and has moved on remember that you orchestrated it all. You will have to solve your depression alone. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Whoa. Where is that thread?
> 
> I know of one story where the husband cheated, filed divorce (the wife wanted to reconcile but he didn't--she fought the D every step of the way)... a few months after the divorce him committed suicide. He told her he'd never forgive himself for what he did.


JB, here it is. The thread is titled *I lost the man that I love over a year ago*. A truly tragic story.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Whoa. Where is that thread?
> 
> I know of one story where the husband cheated, filed divorce (the wife wanted to reconcile but he didn't--she fought the D every step of the way)... a few months after the divorce him committed suicide. He told her he'd never forgive himself for what he did.


It was a few pages back. I will try to find it. You may have commented on it. It was a yr past his death when she posted. She had the affair and went to a motel to try and wrap his head around it all and she said he never came back, he had taken his own life. I just went to a funeral Monday because a young man tool his life. He was in his 20's and we don't know why. He seemed hoot but you never know what takes a detain to that point. My point is does she really want to be the reason for something Like that. Or even contribute to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

If your friends are encouraging you to have an affair get rid of them especially if they are women. They are egging you on to watch you destroy your life. They may envy your relationship with a husband who cares so much for you. 

What are their lives like? Do they have devoted men in their lives? Misery loves company. Some Women like to see other woman fail at relationships makes them feel that they are not losers if you are a bigger loser. so by all means stand by your friends they really care about you. 

Do you think they will be your friend when you becone depressed? You think they will stand by you take care of you. They will leave you in the dust and go on to the next adventure. You will lose your husband and this OM when you become too much trouble. When you get depressed over it no one will be their to care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Almostrecovered said:


> wow, this statement alone says everything
> 
> the polarity of it implies that you are still in a severe mood swing
> 
> ...


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

Everything that you're saying sets off the red flags that I watch for in myself to regulate my moods. I have bipolar 2 and while I don't have the deep depressions that it sounds like you've experienced for a long time now, I do tend tip toward the hypomanic very easily. 

When you're hypomanic/manic it's easy...very easy to seduce and be seduced by any new (and therefore exciting) experience and/or person.

You've probably not been spending a lot of time with your friends if you've been in a "down" cycle. So _of course_, if all they hear about is your frustration with your life/relationship now that you're feeling _so very much_ better while still having so many of the coping mechanisms that were in place before without the balance of knowing just how much you needed that care and structure....it's going to sound very controlling on the surface. Half of the picture gets you very different advice from your friends.

You're describing some very black and white thinking. Like AlmostRecovered mentions, you call yourself "evil" like you can only be one or the other. That's a big red flag for a mood swing rather than a "real" dilemma. 

I would seriously suggest checking in with whoever is managing your medications before you escalate any further. I'm willing to bet that you've got other behaviors going on that are indicating a mood shift too and that now is the time to make an adjustment and catch it before things get out of control in the other direction. Sadly, the mess we can make when we're "up" usually has much more lasting consequences than the stupor of depression. I work very hard to manage and minimize my mood shifts and I can't tell you how much more time and effort I spend on the effects of my hypomanic impulses than on digging out of my "dumps"...

Are you therapy along with medication management? I'd also look into at least a few sessions, maybe on your own or even with your husband to work on a care plan and how to communicate and adjust boundaries as your needs change. 

So this turned into a book....but I hope you'll first of all take the recommendations of the group and cut things off with this married guy and eliminate temptation. But then get your brain chemicals under control and work with your husband on a new balance for your relationship.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh,I do remember that thread. Thanks for posting the link, Mori.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> If your friends are encouraging you to have an affair get rid of them especially if they are women. They are egging you on to watch you destroy your life. They may envy your relationship with a husband who cares so much for you.
> 
> What are their lives like? Do they have devoted men in their lives? Misery loves company. Some Women like to see other woman fail at relationships makes them feel that they are not losers if you are a bigger loser. so by all means stand by your friends they really care about you.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I believe I also said some of this in a previous comment but its great that other folks bring it up as well because, like it or not, it is the truth.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm surprised you haven't learned more about self deception and how feelings can mess you up during your dealings with your mood disorder.

Instead of an affair, you need to get back with a doctor and deal with these new issues that are leading you to kill your marriage. This is just as much a mental heath problem as the mood disorder your husband stood by you through. Except this time, your actions are going to kill the marriage and deeply scar his soul. 

Are you honestly that unaware of yourself? Are you honestly that selfish?


Once again you're giving into your moods and setting your husband up to deal and suffer with the consequences.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Man o' you what you will wish you could give to have known now what we all know when your affair, your marriage and your life are in flames. I was the cheater - in an emotional affair - listen to me. The betrayed spouses here are advising you from their perspective - the hurt you will cause your husband and the selfishness of deciding to be part of an affair and they are correct in what they tell you. They're not being harsh or calling you evil, they're just telling you like it is. I'm going to talk from the cheater's side. STOP IT!! It isn't worth it - period. The price you will pay inside yourself will be beyond anything you imagine. I understand you've got your heart in a cloud and it is telling you that you love your AP (affair partner). I understand that feeling - I really do. IT'S B.S.!! Your heart is lying to you. You're already in too deep to avoid a lot of pain, you've got a lot of it coming regardless of if you stop your EA or take it to the next level, but with each passing day you continue in your affair the pain you will endure when it ends will get worse and worse. You've got to decide if you love your H and want to be married to him or not. If not - well then you know what to do, but respect him enough to do it. It will crush him - yes. But dammit be respectable and honorable and "man up" to the decision you've made. At least then he can have the benefit of all the information and proceed as he sees fit. If you do love your husband - even if your heart is telling you otherwise - and you know you want to be married to him keep reading. You have to end the affair. The only way to do that is complete no contact with the OM (other man). Complete and total no contact - nothing. This is hard to do and it will hurt you like hell, your heart will scream at you so loudly it will physically hurt. Ignore it all - it is nothing more than coming off an addiction and it will eventually get better - I promise. The other thing that I think you must do, but it is ultimately your decision is to tell your husband. The reason I say this is two fold. First he deserves to know - more on this in a minute. Second, in an EA no contact is very difficult to maintain - extremely. Again it's like trying to break an addiction. I would never have been able to break out of my affair without the help, support and love of my wife. I knew I had to be accountable to her and that gave me strength to kill the affair and even with her help I still faltered a couple of times. It's just unimaginably hard to quit an EA. If you do decided to tell your H, give him all of the truth the very first time. Do not give him trickle truth. Giving him the whole truth and nothing but if you tell him will be the best gift you can give him in a very bad situation, it is also your best and most important shot at reconciliation with him and you only get it once. Every thing he finds out that you do not disclose on D Day is a nail in the coffin of reconciliation. Beyond that if you both want to pursue reconciliation you have to take full ownership of what you've done, no excuses, no blaming anyone else - if you aren't really in that place then reconciliation isn't possible. You must give him full transparency and access to everything in your life - anything and everything and you must do it willingly and gladly. You must answer all of his questions honestly and willingly, no matter how many times you've answered the same question before. You must do whatever it takes to help him find peace of mind that you are truly remorseful (assuming you are) and will never ever hurt him again. Back to why he deserves to know. First it's only fair, he may elect to leave, but he may also elect to forgive you and work at reconciliation. Second, he needs to know so that (if he chooses reconciliation) he can understand what your needs and issues are in the marriage. If he doesn't know he can't do anything to try to improve his end of the marriage and nothing will change and you will likely end up here again. Now a bright note. Marriages can survive and even thrive an affair. If you own what you have done and are genuinely remorseful, if he can forgive you, and you can both work through it together it is an amazing opportunity to really grow and improve your marriage. It's hard, painful work, but it can be done, my wife and I did it. Sorry so long, but I really feel passionate about pleading with people in your position - the same position I was in - to stop their affairs and put their faith and effort back into the person they love. I wish I had had the benefit of the good people on this site to help me before I betrayed my wife. Good Luck.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> If your friends are encouraging you to have an affair get rid of them especially if they are women. They are egging you on to watch you destroy your life. They may envy your relationship with a husband who cares so much for you.
> 
> What are their lives like? Do they have devoted men in their lives? Misery loves company. Some Women like to see other woman fail at relationships makes them feel that they are not losers if you are a bigger loser. so by all means stand by your friends they really care about you.
> 
> ...


Catherine, I sure wish my stbxw had someone like you in her life willing to knock this kind of sense into her head. Her relationship advice for the past couple years is mostly coming from older women that are either divorced multiple times or else on their 3rd marriages, and who go by the philosophy of letting life lead them and enjoying the adventure (I guess that is fine for those who are too selfish to ever really love or commit to someone else).


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## Jonah555 (Aug 18, 2011)

I think if you have an affair with this "married" man you are only opening up a big can of worms. Your husband was there for you in the darkest time of your life and just because you're better now doesn't make it ok for you to sleep with someone else. If you are unhappy with your husband simply divorce him, that would be more humane that what you are considering. Put yourself in your husband's place!
My wife cheated and it broke up my marriage and broke my heart.
My advice is don't do it, think of your husband. See my point of view about his topic in my post below.
Wife's Secret Affair


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

ing said:


> You will inflict the worst pain you could ever imagine on your husband without killing him. In fact he will probably have the "gun in the mouth" moment to stop the pain!


This made me cry. I thought I was the only one with that moment. I'm very thankful I have my kids. If not, the pain likely would have stopped that day.

Please listen to these folks. If you don't want your husband, just divorce him. Then go looking for other men. Please don't do that to him. I don't believe ing is talking about a theoretical gun. I had a very real one in my mouth at one point with my wife's affair. The pain everyone is telling you about is very real and very bad.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

infidel said:


> yeah i thought I was evil. My friends are seeing thing differently though, that I'm not being treated right by my husband.
> 
> You guys are right though. I'm evil!


Friends will often tell you what you want to hear. 

Strangers will tell you what you need to hear.

Be objective. Look outside of your own situation. Are you really being smothered? I mean...really? Is your husband REALLy treating you bad....really? Or is the allure and butterflies of a new and naughty relationship completely distorting your view.

One day you'll wake up from this fairytale affair and see all the signs of danger that you missed like an M.Night movie.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

SIP said:


> Sounds to me that maybe your mood disorder may not be as under control as you think. Go back to your IC and talk about this self destructive behavior you are indulging in.


Oh yeah . . .. :iagree:


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> This made me cry. I thought I was the only one with that moment. I'm very thankful I have my kids. If not, the pain likely would have stopped that day.
> 
> Please listen to these folks. If you don't want your husband, just divorce him. Then go looking for other men. Please don't do that to him. I don't believe ing is talking about a theoretical gun. I had a very real one in my mouth at one point with my wife's affair. The pain everyone is telling you about is very real and very bad.


Or in some case that same gun will be turned on you. When I first learned of my husband affair that was in fact what I did.


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## mkl (Jul 9, 2011)

Infidel, 

There is so much good knowledge here. Some of it sounds harsh and may make you feel bad, but what these people are saying to you is true. It is easy to get sucked up in the butterflies and excitement. But trust what you are being told here. The man that you think you are falling in love with is a married man. I doubt that he will leave his wife for you. He is having a little fun on the side and you will pay the price for it. 

I don’t know your husband but you said yourself that he is a good man and he loves you. Put the energy and effort into creating the marriage of your dreams with the wonderful man that is your husband.

There are so many resources out there to help guide you. You’ve already found one of them. This website has been a great tool for my husband and I. We both read these forums and have had lengthy conversations and have learned allot through the experiences of others here. 

You have heard the expression “the grass is not greener on the other side.” This my friend is true. A happy marriage takes work and if you both put forth the effort you can have a fun and exciting marriage with your best friend, the man that has been by your side. Don’t throw that away. 

Take a look at this website… 
http://www.marriagebuilders.com
The Most Important Emotional Needs

This is another site full of great information. You husband has been there for you; don’t repay him by cheating and breaking his heart. If you don’t love him and don’t want to be married to him anymore then that is your choice. Leave and get a divorce. But cheating on him should not an option.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Cheating is just about one of the worst pains a person can intentionally inflict upon someone. Affairs never "just happen" They are always pre-meditated with malice aforethought. If you do cheat, you will do so knowingly, willingly and intentionally. You will cause another person unimagineable pain and suffering.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> Cheating is just about one of the worst pains a person can intentionally inflict upon someone. Affairs never "just happen" They are always pre-meditated with malice aforethought. If you do cheat, you will do so knowingly, willingly and intentionally. You will cause another person unimagineable pain and suffering.


I never understand how ppl say that. IT JUST HAPPEN. You thought about it. Planned where you would go, when you would meet. Told your spouse a lie about where you were going or where you had been. And you kept doing it and they say it JUST happend. Oh okay then.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

sexuallyfustrated said:


> I never understand how ppl say that. IT JUST HAPPEN. You thought about it. Planned where you would go, when you would meet. Told your spouse a lie about where you were going or where you had been. And you kept doing it and they say it JUST happend. Oh okay then.


yes, this is why I personally believe affairs should be prosecuteable by law. Now, select states do have "Alienation of Affection" laws where the OP can be sued, but those lawsuits rarely see the inside of a court room. But, any other time a person plots and schemes against another person in a way that can be damaging to them (i.e, identitiy theft, check fraud, etc) they can be sued and prosecuted. So, why not the affairs partners? They plotted and schemed. They willingly, knowingly and intentionally planned out to harm and do ill towards an innocent person. A person ends up hurt but they can't seek out restitution for that? 
No, affairs never just happen.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

infidel said:


> yeah i thought I was evil. My friends are seeing thing differently though, that I'm not being treated right by my husband.
> 
> You guys are right though. I'm evil!


I'm probably the least qualified here to detect a troll, but COME ON! There is no way this is a real post. Even IF it were true, what kind of advice would she expect to get in the infidelity section of a relationship forum? And her friends? Plural? All agree with her? What planet does she live on?

Don't waste your time here.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

sexuallyfustrated said:


> I never understand how ppl say that. IT JUST HAPPEN. You thought about it. Planned where you would go, when you would meet. Told your spouse a lie about where you were going or where you had been. And you kept doing it and they say it JUST happend. Oh okay then.


Now that we're recovering well from my W's EA's and PA, we've dug a little deeper into that. At first, she gave me a variation on the "it just happened" line. Once she determined she is a sex/love addict and we both read up on the cycle of sex/love addiction, she was better able to verbalize the "it just happened" POV. In her case, she was chasing the "high" of new relationships...of the secrecy. She also got a rush from getting someone's attention, teasing them, then pushing them away before crossing the line to PA...she enjoyed seeing what she could get away with. In the case of her PA partner, she met someone with similar behaviors and, basically got into a game of chicken with him...she'd push, he'd push back, the inappropriate conversations escalated and she finally crossed that line. Which is when her whole house of cards came tumbling down.

She didn't offer that expansion of the idea as an excuse, but as a way of better describing getting swept up in the "high" and not thinking about consequences as "just happening."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

An affair "never just happens." And an affair is not a "mistake." 

Anyone having or who's had an affair still using those lines hasn't owned what they are doing/have done yet.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

At this point I'm wondering if it's just a troll post to get everyone riled up for someones sick, perverted enjoyment. But I've already said what I needed to say early on in this post.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Where O where did the OP go???? Maybe she ran off with John???? :scratchhead:


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Maybe she ran off with John???? :scratchhead:


lol. Maybe it was John. Or maybe John was the married man she was hooking up with. I don't remember his story.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> yes, this is why I personally believe affairs should be prosecuteable by law. Now, select states do have "Alienation of Affection" laws where the OP can be sued, but those lawsuits rarely see the inside of a court room. But, any other time a person plots and schemes against another person in a way that can be damaging to them (i.e, identitiy theft, check fraud, etc) they can be sued and prosecuted. So, why not the affairs partners? They plotted and schemed. They willingly, knowingly and intentionally planned out to harm and do ill towards an innocent person. A person ends up hurt but they can't seek out restitution for that?
> No, affairs never just happen.


:iagree:


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> lol. Maybe it was John. Or maybe John was the married man she was hooking up with. I don't remember his story.


:lol: HA!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You guys are a mess :rofl:


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Where O where did the OP go???? Maybe she ran off with John???? :scratchhead:


Isn't John still in "hell" trying to pick out hotel rooms and such? :scratchhead:

But I wouldn't be shocked if these 2 world champions knew each other.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Soccerfan73 said:


> Isn't John still in "hell" trying to pick out hotel rooms and such? :scratchhead:
> 
> But I wouldn't be shocked if these 2 world champions knew each other.


Oh yes, the hell the cheating spouse has to go through. Gah, we could start a whole new thread on that.

I'm mean, there's the hell of having to lie and then cover up those lies so the lies are not exposed. There's the hell of having to have a good cover story to minimize the lies in case of exposure. There's the hell of having to take the time to set up secret email accounts and secret cell phones. There's the hell of having to sneak out to be able to make out. There's the hell of having to make sure that pesky spouse doesn't suspect anything.

I'm sure if it weren't for those damned loving spouses with all their morals and values, then the cheating spouse wouldn't have to go through such hell.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> Oh yes, the hell the cheating spouse has to go through. Gah, we could start a whole new thread on that.
> 
> I'm mean, there's the hell of having to lie and then cover up those lies so the lies are not exposed. There's the hell of having to have a good cover story to minimize the lies in case of exposure. There's the hell of having to take the time to set up secret email accounts and secret cell phones. There's the hell of having to sneak out to be able to make out. There's the hell of having to make sure that pesky spouse doesn't suspect anything.
> 
> I'm sure if it weren't for those damned loving spouses with all their morals and values, then the cheating spouse wouldn't have to go through such hell.


Poor John! LOL 

What can you do other than laugh at this stuff?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> yes, this is why I personally believe affairs should be prosecuteable by law. Now, select states do have "Alienation of Affection" laws where the OP can be sued, but those lawsuits rarely see the inside of a court room. But, any other time a person plots and schemes against another person in a way that can be damaging to them (i.e, identitiy theft, check fraud, etc) they can be sued and prosecuted. So, why not the affairs partners? They plotted and schemed. They willingly, knowingly and intentionally planned out to harm and do ill towards an innocent person. A person ends up hurt but they can't seek out restitution for that?
> No, affairs never just happen.



Yea, I believe cheating spouses should be punished by law. We LEGALLY took vows and signed the marriage license. By cheating, they break the contract....which in another other "business" would be 
punishable.

I mean, why make marriage a legal thing at all if it can so easily be broken in a divorce. I think the government and lawyers just wants peoples' money LOL


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I think the OP left because what she was looking for was validation of her selfish feelings and to be encouraged to pursue the OM. Then she realized she came to the wrong place and went back to her "reliable" friends for advice.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Yea, I believe cheating spouses should be punished by law. We LEGALLY took vows and signed the marriage license. By cheating, they break the contract....which in another other "business" would be
> punishable.
> 
> I mean, why make marriage a legal thing at all if it can so easily be broken in a divorce. I think the government and lawyers just wants peoples' money LOL


It's true. Marriage is a legal, binding contract. You buy a car and you sign a contract to make the payments. If you don't, they can repo the car and sue you for any back payments. In marriage, you made a vow to love, honor and cherish. TO BE FAITHFUL. You cheat, and you've broken the contract. There should be restitution. 
This is why I disagree with no fault divorces. I can't not make my car payment with no consequences. There's no such thing as no fault when it comes to other contract.

BTW, for the record, I am NOT a lawyer but I do hold an assoc. law degree and I took a course in contract law.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

City girls just seem to find out early
How to open doors with just a smile
A rich old man
And she won't have to worry
She'll dress up all in lace and go in style

Late at night a big old house gets lonely
I guess every form of refuge has its price
And it breaks her heart to think her love is
Only given to a man with hands as cold as ice

So she tells him she must go out for the evening
To comfort an old friend who's feelin' down
But he knows where she's goin' as she's leavin'
She is headed for the cheatin' side of town

You can't hide your lyin' eyes
And your smile is a thin disguise
I thought by now you'd realize
There ain't no way to hide your lyin eyes

On the other side of town a boy is waiting
with fiery eyes and dreams no one could steal
She drives on through the night anticipating
'Cause he makes her feel the way she used to feel

She rushes to his arms,
They fall together
She whispers that it's only for awhile
She swears that soon she'll be comin' back forever
She pulls away and leaves him with a smile

You can't hide your lyin' eyes
And your smile is a thin disguise
I thought by now you'd realize
There ain't no way to hide you lyin' eyes

She gets up and pours herself a strong one
And stares out at the stars up in the sky
Another night, it's gonna be a long one
She draws the shade and hangs her head to cry

She wonders how it ever got this crazy
She thinks about a boy she knew in school
Did she get tired or did she just get lazy?
She's so far gone she feels just like a fool

My, oh my, you sure know how to arrange things
You set it up so well, so carefully
Ain't it funny how your new life didn't change things
You're still the same old girl you used to be

You can't hide your lyin eyes
And your smile is a thin disguise
I thought by now you'd realize
There ain't no way to hide your lyin' eyes
There ain't no way to hide your lyin' eyes
Honey, you can't hide your lyin' eyes​


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Hope her friends will be there in about 6 months when it all goes to shet and her husband wants nothing to do with her and her OM is done with her.

If I had friends like that, I'd rather be alone.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Hope her friends will be there in about 6 months when it all goes to shet and her husband wants nothing to do with her and her OM is done with her.
> 
> If I had friends like that, I'd rather be alone.


Seeing a number of threads lately about the role that friends can play in relationships and affairs. Some friends are just toxic to relationships.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

When my married friends come to me for advice about their marriages, (usually if they should leave), I say I cannot say what they should do. I say I will listen but I won't encourage anything.

The one time I stepped in was when my friend was getting abused physically. Well, me and 3 other friends stepped in.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

that_girl said:


> When my married friends come to me for advice about their marriages, (usually if they should leave), I say I cannot say what they should do. I say I will listen but I won't encourage anything.
> 
> The one time I stepped in was when my friend was getting abused physically. Well, me and 3 other friends stepped in.


:smthumbup:


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

morituri said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I believe I also said some of this in a previous comment but its great that other folks bring it up as well because, like it or not, it is the truth.


Thats what I get for not reading. 

Lon At first I was surprised that women are not more wary of their friends because women betray each other so frequently. 

Real friendships do develop but it takes time to know if a gf cares enough to support the best in you. I think when they are young and naive, they don't realize that. 

Was your STBX sheltered and/ or very young? If so she may have clueless friends who wanted a drama as long as they didn't suffer.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

> At first I was surprised that women are not more wary of their friends because women betray each other so frequently.


So true. I had a lot of 'best' friends in HS and college who would deliberately try to sabotage my relationships...and later on would seduce my exes! 

LOL I don't get along well with most women. My closest female friends now share the same moral code as myself. They are married and believe in marriage.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Wow. This thread is a scary example of how "the fog" warps people's minds...Its bad enough to hear about it from a Betrayed Spouses' thread, but this, coming from a spouse about to cheat (or already has), its that much more insidious. 

And it also makes the reconciliation stories here (rare as they are) seem that much more incredible.


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

infidel said:


> yeah i thought I was evil. My friends are seeing thing differently though, that I'm not being treated right by my husband.
> 
> You guys are right though. I'm evil!


Your friends are probably seeing things differently because of how you are portraying your marriage. You feel guilty about your feelings for the OM. Thus in order to justify your feelings and actions, you tell yourself and your friends that you are smothered, and whatever issues you may feel. 

There are no excuses for a WS actions, other than they were too selfish to cut away from the situations that allow these feelings to evolve. Marriage is tough, life is tough. If we let our eyes wander, and acted on impulse every time we didn't feel our marriage was perfect monogomy would be dead. 

Concentrate on how you are perceiving your marriage. Are you being honest with yourself and your friends? Or are you creating a scene that would allow for acceptance of your feelings toward the OM. 

Bottom line is you need to completely cut the OM out of your life. Tell your husband how you are feeling. Talk about the reasons you feel disconnected, and focus on that before absolutely ruining your marriage, your lives, and the lives of the OM's unsuspecting family. It just gets worse from here if you keep going. Good luck!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Guys I think either Infidel didn't get the comfort and acceptance of her cheating that she was looking for, or she's was a troll. 

either way the OP seems to be absent from this discussion.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

That happens a lot around here... 

Post & Runs are so annoying!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

drive by poster - or troll.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Arg, hate drive bys


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## Wifejones (Mar 21, 2011)

Yes, the very first reply is the best...end contact with the man! I have been in that situation myself but in the end my marriage meant more to me. We often twist up interest in an object or person with something we are missing. Perhaps you need to talk to your husband about your misplaced longing. Real Wives


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