# day that triggered behavior badly.



## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

Well, sort of a complaint about my own behavior. In previous posts, I have read and have posted about getting over things, moving forward and what type of triggers cause "flash backs"...

Well, over the last few days, I had been feeling rather low and empty, I just could not shake the crappy, lost, alone, weird feeling I had, like I lost something and could not pin point it.. 

Then the 18th arrived, then I remembered this would have been my 31st anniversary. ... Freaked me the heck out. I thought I was fine, then walla... here is the anniversary date. 

With that said, It sort made me feel like a loser, (I know that is not true) I took such pride in having a long term marriage. (thick, thin, good, bad...etc..) I will again... I get that. 

Well, here is the depth of it. I am typically a very strong person but then I almost fell apart mentally on the 18th. You just never know what can happen.. 

I am better today however I was surprised at how it effected me and to what extent. Almost took the wind out of my sails, but I am still am moving forward and being positive.. 

To be honest, I miss being in a relationship. Not to the point of just going for anything ..BTW.. a healthy relationship would be awesome. I am good with being single, except for days like that...


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## grays (Jun 24, 2014)

It doesn't sound to me like you behaved badly, more like you felt bad. Is that right? If so, I'm not sure it's right to beat yourself up over it. Sometimes it's a good idea to experience and own and acknowledge your feelings. It's probably better not to wallow in them or avoid making a better life because they're paralyzing you, but it doesn't sound like that's what's happening. Sounds to me like you were down for a few days, but not like this is throwing you into some kind of turmoil.

I'm happy you mentioned "flash backs" because I hadn't thought of it that way, but I have very intense flash backs that can bring on intense bad feelings, usually anger. It's nice to know that it might not be terribly abnormal to have it all come flooding back in every once in a while. It always feels so strange to me that it can happen when other things in my life are going really well, and sometimes even when I'm feeling really thankful for being single and for the new life I've built. I feel like a big contradiction.

And I totally get the pride in your long term marriage. I used to feel really proud and happy about that, too. Up until the very day my ex said he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me anymore, I completely believed that we were going to grow old together. I thought it couldn't be any other way. That was a couple of months before the 25th anniversary of our first kiss.


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## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

grays said:


> It doesn't sound to me like you behaved badly, more like you felt bad. Is that right? If so, I'm not sure it's right to beat yourself up over it. Sometimes it's a good idea to experience and own and acknowledge your feelings. It's probably better not to wallow in them or avoid making a better life because they're paralyzing you, but it doesn't sound like that's what's happening. Sounds to me like you were down for a few days, but not like this is throwing you into some kind of turmoil.
> 
> I'm happy you mentioned "flash backs" because I hadn't thought of it that way, but I have very intense flash backs that can bring on intense bad feelings, usually anger. It's nice to know that it might not be terribly abnormal to have it all come flooding back in every once in a while. It always feels so strange to me that it can happen when other things in my life are going really well, and sometimes even when I'm feeling really thankful for being single and for the new life I've built. I feel like a big contradiction.
> 
> And I totally get the pride in your long term marriage. I used to feel really proud and happy about that, too. Up until the very day my ex said he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me anymore, I completely believed that we were going to grow old together. I thought it couldn't be any other way. That was a couple of months before the 25th anniversary of our first kiss.


Well for starters, this triggered behavior that I feel was bad. What I find curious is, something that cannot be controlled effected me as much as it did. Like an innocent bystander.. 

Apparently this was subconsciously bothering me quite a bit. It did not really kick in until the actual day. It was a wow moment for sure. 

I too thought it was forever, I get the 25 year reference. For me she was my first and only blind date I ever went on, then years later here I am.. Heck she was only the third girl I ever went out with. 

BTW, I am not beating my self up over this, However I do appreciate your push in this area. Always willing to listen and learn..


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Dajam, what *behavior* was triggered? Anything beyond the low feeling? I think what you experienced is normal. How long have you been divorced? I am hoping that these episodes was wane as time goes on. I triggered pretty badly last week too...but I knew it was going to happen.  I 

so, now, just redirect your thoughts consciously when you feel it start to happen and eventually, the spacing will get farther and farther apart.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Fenix said:


> Dajam, what *behavior* was triggered? Anything beyond the low feeling? I think what you experienced is normal. How long have you been divorced*? I am hoping that these episodes was wane as time goes on. *I triggered pretty badly last week too...but I knew it was going to happen.  I
> 
> so, now, just redirect your thoughts consciously when you feel it start to happen and eventually, the spacing will get farther and farther apart.


Yes, these episodes/feelings do wane over time. I had two wedding anniversaries in September, the 28th and 30th...those days both came and went, and I think it dawned on me about Oct 2nd that neither one had crossed my mind!


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## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

Fenix said:


> Dajam, what *behavior* was triggered? Anything beyond the low feeling? I think what you experienced is normal. How long have you been divorced? I am hoping that these episodes was wane as time goes on. I triggered pretty badly last week too...but I knew it was going to happen.  I
> 
> so, now, just redirect your thoughts consciously when you feel it start to happen and eventually, the spacing will get farther and farther apart.


Well, for starters I was disappointed that I did have this deep low that I could not pin point until the "day" arrived. No real bad or extreme behavior, missed my workout... Just hard on my self for not "figuring" it out quicker.

Been legally DV'd for a couple of years and am surprised it hit me as hard as it did. I did what I could. slept in, then called a friend and went out which helped a bit then Sunday went for a motorcycle ride and that really helped. 

Tonight back to the work out routine. Still a bit low, however I am good... Sometimes it is just the strangest thing...


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## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Yes, these episodes/feelings do wane over time. I had two wedding anniversaries in September, the 28th and 30th...those days both came and went, and I think it dawned on me about Oct 2nd that neither one had crossed my mind!


I actually understand they do wane over time.. I was just flat footed as I did not realize until the actual day. She is the one who filed so abruptly and with out notice. Why should I feel low?? So I am not any longer.. To the gym I go.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Dajam

I feel what your going through.. 

I can tell you I've done some extremely embarrassing things with my G.F. because of some issues and triggers. 

I just really cannot express how much of a d1ck I was and still am at times... I mean break up don't talk to me anymore d1ck.. 

I just never thought I would be like this. I never EVER believed that something like this would affect me like this. I never knew how broken and mistrusting something like this would make me. 

I thought I would be better and stronger than this.. I mean I know what the issues are. I go to therapy every week for 2 years, I am extremely open minded and admit my issues and short comings. 

But even with all of this I still fall prey to my insecurities. 

My G.F. just told me today, *(yet again)* I know your ex wife screwed you up, but I'm not your ex wife.. 

I just don't get it sometimes.. How can you get so screwed up knowing full well what is going on.. 

Its like knowing it s not good to jump in front of a train and your saying it as your doing it.. 

There are days I catch myself before hand and then there are days I only figure it out well past after I have lost my mind to this nonsense.. Only after I brought my relationship to the brink of destruction do I figure it out..


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

Today would be my 31st. Most days I have the sort of low lying feeling that my life is is missing something I thought I would always have, my marriage. But heading into today, it has hit me hard. Tight chest, poor sleep. So many of my friends are celebrating these high number anniversaries, I feel incompetent. I know how to get through the day. I have my gratitude journal, great friends and family, a busy day at work. Then it will be tomorrow and the event will have passed. The wounds heal but sometimes the scar is uncomfortable


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Triggers…
Those little bookmarks in your life that can surprise you with remarkable regularity.
Since people became temporally aware, this has been a thing. It might be a simple association or it may be a full blown psychobiologic event, but it still functions to key off the defensive mechanisms. Sometimes it can be minor. A bit of melancholy, sadness, or plain depression. Other times it can trigger the fight or flight reflex enough to actually dump chemical and hormones into your system to ready you for an upcoming event. 
Mine vary as do everyone’s. My ex-wife’s exit was rather abrupt so March 11th is a trigger day for me. So is new year’s eve…the night I asked her to marry me. 

There are long triggers like dates, events, and even foods.
Then there are short triggers like phrases used in emails, quips from your ex, or even sudden triggers that can be set off by a smell or a memory. 

Long triggers are more pervasive but can be anticipated easily. Short terms are probably the worst because you don’t always get a chance to see them coming.

Anticipating the triggers is the best way to control them. I see a lot of freshly broken couples who have a lot of short term triggers between them. They even out and disappear as the couples become less vested in each other. Long terms don’t go away so easily, especially if they have been reinforced over time.
They do get more mellow as time goes by.

But once the scar is there, it never truly goes away…and sometimes they can surprise you when you least expect it.


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