# Husband identifies as Asexual



## peasnrice (Oct 18, 2012)

Hello,

We have been married over six years and have two young children. Our marriage is mostly peaceful. We have a few disagreements over parenting styles, and we have similar weaknesses which can be a challenge at times, but other than that we are happy.

The only serious issue is that my husband has never felt sexual desire in his entire life. I was not aware of this when we married, and he was ashamed of his lack of a sex drive so he hid it.

We have had sex, but infrequently (monthly or less). It is very passionless, almost mechanical. Something felt "off" but I only recently figured out it was because the desire was one-sided and so I felt as if I may as well have been alone. 

About a year ago we discovered the term "demisexual" for some one that only feels arousal after developing an emotional bond and he told me that is how he works. At first I was content with this, even flattered that I was the only one he's been attracted to, but then it didn't seem to fit with his actions.

I did some reading about asexualism, and sexual dysfunction, and then showed him what I found.

He admitted that he feels zero desire to have sex. It just seems like work and boring. He reaches orgasm, but he seems indifferent to the whole thing. He only initiates if he knows I want him to, and then he does things for me and waits for me to tell him to go further--I could quit in the middle and he would be completely fine with it. Now that I know this, it makes sex even more awkward because I know he could care less about it. I want to be wanted, desired, etc. I know he loves me, but this feels like what I imagine hired sex would feel like.

He is physically healthy, has no symptoms of low testosterone and is in great shape. As far as he knows he was never sexually abused as a child, although he was beaten with belts and such frequently (very common where he grew up). His upbringing was religious, but his father was often unfaithful to his mother, which disgusted him. 

I feel like I'm living with a best friend and not a husband. We don't kiss because it's awkward, always has been. I thought he just needed practice, but I had a hard time initiating that because it felt strange. Now I realize it was because there was no passion in it. 

I don't know what to do. He doesn't want to talk to anyone else about this. He said he's willing to try to learn to feel desire. I have no idea how to help him. He has never felt arousal from anything other that direct genital contact, and he seems fairly detached from that.

I love him so much and can't even fathom marriage to anyone else, but the idea of a sexless marriage is horrifying.

I would greatly appreciate any thoughts on this situation.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Your husband sounds so much like mine!

First things first: does he have a porn addiction or masturbate? These are typically amongst the first "issues" to eliminate...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## peasnrice (Oct 18, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> Your husband sounds so much like mine!
> 
> First things first: does he have a porn addiction or masturbate? These are typically amongst the first "issues" to eliminate...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He doesn't like porn, he literally does not feel arousal looking at images or videos. He gives me free access to everything computer, account, password, etc. of his and he really doesn't (he has a memory disorder and he likes me to help with stuff like that). I've also noticed during steamy movie scenes that he has no physical reaction (I checked because I was affected, heh). 

He doesn't really masturbate, only rarely when he's very upset because he discovered it can be soothing. We don't really have an privacy (small house). 

If he does see a sex scene on TV he usually starts talking about the stigma of adult film workers, the dangers of objectifying women, or some other social or political rant. 

He was a virgin at nearly 22 when we met. He doesn't get most sexual innuendos. He does not seem to be gay either. He is very into science and geeky things though, and I honestly just thought he was bad at talking to girls and lacked opportunity, but I believe him that he doesn't experience desire now that I know him better.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this as well. I hope we both get this worked out.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

It's strange that you said he said that masturbating was soothing to him... Mine always claims it helps him "to relax".

Hmm... Perhaps a sex therapist can help you get to the bottom of this?

Another question: how was the sex before marriage? You stated you were not aware of his apparent lack of a libido when you got married?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## peasnrice (Oct 18, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> It's strange that you said he said that masturbating was soothing to him... Mine always claims it helps him "to relax".
> 
> Hmm... Perhaps a sex therapist can help you get to the bottom of this?
> 
> ...


Ok, this feels like way TMI, but it might be helpful. He wasn't circumcised and had phimosis. Apparently it was the type that would have been cured by normal teen masturbation patterns, but since he didn't do that it didn't fix. So the first time we had sex it tore (but he kept going and just put up with the pain, and didn't tell me, he had difficulty reaching orgasm obviously, but it seems like most men would have freaked out more). Because of the tear we couldn't have sex for over a month. The next time we tried to be super careful, but it ripped again. So we waited again for almost two months (I was getting more traumatized than him at this point, I think). It healed better and so this time sex was successful, but then he developed eczema on his genitals (I'm not making this up). I was freaked out by this and made him go to a doctor, which he did, and he was told to wash after any activity that causes sweat/moisture in that area (I feel ridiculous typing this online).

After all the mishaps I felt apprehensive about initiating sex, so I didn't and neither did he. We were married after only 10 months (everything else was perfect and I thought the rest was just bad luck). We had a bunch of sex on our two day honeymoon, but it felt forced, like he was playing a role, but I was so happy elsewhere I didn't think about it too much.

Drat, I just got caught staying up too late on a work night (I have insomnia and hubby is trying to help me as a favor).

I will check back in the morning.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Ouch that sounds really painful! Has he thought about having a circumcision or doing the stretching and more frequent masturbation to make sex more comfortable for him?

Don't worry about TMI... It's all relative anyways. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I was in a 6 year sexless marriage many years ago, but to this very day remember the pain and humiliation of it. When I did initiate, similar to how you described, it was very mechanical. I can remember holding my breath sometimes, for fear of disturbing the passionless silence in the bedroom.

After seeking help from several counselors, I finally accepted their diagnosis that he was asexual and divorced.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Really sounds like some professional help is called for - by an MD for the physical side and perhaps counseling for the emotional and mental aspects. The fact that he has stated he does not want to talk to anyone indicates he may be shy about discussing intimate things of a sexual nature and/or he is at least resigned to a life of limited sexual intimacy. 
Perhaps you need to stress to him how important resolution of this is to you and the future happiness of your marriage.


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

You stated he has no symptoms of low testosterone. Low libido is a symptom. Not sure you have good information on the symptoms of low testosterone. The only way you can know for sure is to have it tested. It sounds like it is more than just that but most big problems are the result of a series of smaller ones.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

If he is truly asexual, which some people are, than there is nothing you can do. It would be akin to marrying a gay man and hoping that he can learn to be sexually attracted to you. Even if, as some do, you argue that it is possible, it damn sure is not probable.

Even if your husband is not truly asexual, but rather sexually blocked from some forgotten past sexual, or emotional trauma, or is hormone levels are off, it does not matter if he feels nothing is inherently wrong, and won't seek treatment.

You are not likely to get a lot of understanding here. The few asexual threads that do pop up are fraught with ignorance, and a total lack of understanding about asexuality. Most here will think he's got a secret porn addiction, is cheating, or just has low testerone. I would recommend researching some asexual boards, where you are much more likely to find other spouses who are dealing with your unique issues.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

jaquen said:


> If he is truly asexual, which some people are, than there is nothing you can do. It would be akin to marrying a gay man and hoping that he can learn to be sexually attracted to you. Even if, as some do, you argue that it is possible, it damn sure is not probable.
> 
> Even if your husband is not truly asexual, but rather sexually blocked from some forgotten past sexual, or emotional trauma, or is hormone levels are off, it does not matter if he feels nothing is inherently wrong, and won't seek treatment.
> 
> You are not likely to get a lot of understanding here. The few asexual threads that do pop up are fraught with ignorance, and a total lack of understanding about asexuality. Most here will think he's got a secret porn addiction, is cheating, or just has low testerone. I would recommend researching some asexual boards, where you are much more likely to find other spouses who are dealing with your unique issues.


To this I would recommend finding a counselor, either for both of you or just for you (if he won't go). This is a lot to deal with and while we can help a little, you will likely need more than this board can provide. Good luck.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

I'm afraid this is just going to drive you farther and farther apart the longer the two of you are married. You need to be desired sexually and your husband can't do that for you. It doesn't really matter whether he is "truly asexual" or just LD.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Peas - 

The best forum on the internet about asexuality is "AVEN." 

Head straight to the forum for "sexuals" & you will see that you are not alone. If your husband knows about demi's, etc. I suspect he may have already found the AVEN forums.

I am asexual married to a very low desire sexual man. I DO have sex with him whenever he wants & enjoy it. I simply have no "desire" for it. I can have an orgasm, I enjoy giving him BJ's & HJ's & we have fun...however this is my 2nd marriage.

My 1st marriage (22 yrs.) was to a VERY sexual man. We both were unhappy with our sex life. We were so sexually incompatible that we probably should never have married.

Personally, I don't think people with incompatible sex drives should marry but that doesn't really help you now. When you educate yourself about asexuality, you will realize that your husband was born that way. You may be able to find compromises where you both can be happy.

Good luck.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I have no experience with asexuality, so this may be one of those "ignorant" posts mentioned by Jacquen, but I'm getting the feeling that he might be a low-libido guy whose physical difficulties have traumatized him a little bit and made his already low interest even less. 

You said he finds it soothing to masturbate. Do you know if this could still help him overcome the phimosis? I'm just speculating here, but if he didn't risk painful consequences, he might learn to enjoy that release more if he already has discovered that the hormonal effects of orgasm can help his mood improve.


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