# without sex for a long time



## essexgirl (Nov 13, 2012)

Ladies, I would like your opinion - what would your reaction be if your husband hadn't wanted to have sex with you for 9 YEARS, what would you think the problem was.!!!


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## joygirl (Aug 19, 2013)

Functional and phychosomatic impotence?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

12 Reasons Your Man Doesn't Want to Have Sex Anymore | The Stir



> If your husband stops wanting to have sex with you, the first thing that usually goes through your mind is that he's having an affair. I mean, why else would a guy turn down a romp in the sack unless he's getting that romp elsewhere, right??!!! But there's a lot of reasons that hubby can lose his sex drive. And it's happening more and more (or at least people are willing to admit it more). I know couples who have been married less than a year and suddenly the guy loses his mojo -- guys in their 20s even! In fact, a recent poll found that 62 percent of men turn down sex more than their female partner does. What gives??
> 
> Here's 12 reasons your husband may not want to have sex with you -- besides having an affair.
> 
> ...


I would also add...

*13*. A secret affair 
*14. * a bad case of Resentment 

Another list here with a little more detail...

Low Sex Drive in Men at WomansDay.com - Mens Sexual Health 



> *1. **Male “Menopause”*
> It may be surprising to hear, but many health experts say that what menopause is to women, andropause is to men. The good news for our guys: It’s not as sudden or intense as the bodily changes women can sometimes face. As men age, it’s natural for them to experience a somewhat decreased sex drive, says Jeanne O’Connell, MD, medical director and cofounder of Sylvana Institute for Medical Aesthetics in Frederick, Maryland.
> What to do?
> 
> ...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'm not a woman, but if my spouse could have sex with me but wouldn't for nine years, I'd conclude I was in some sort of relationship that wasn't a marriage. I would have stopped pretending she was my "wife" about eight years earlier.


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## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

Sorry @SimplyAmorous, that book you quoted was clearly written by a woman, because it shows a total lack of understanding of men Several of the reasons are just highly illogical and dare I say it, plain wrong.

A bloke wont go years without sex because he's worried about the economy. Masturbation wont put a bloke off, in fact if anything it will make him want it more. Porn can be a turn on and once turned on, he's not going to shun his wife.

I'll agree with the 'lack of kissing and hugging' one. It really turns me on when my wife kisses me or hugs me passionately.

Why would a bloke not want sex for 9 years? No idea. Only he can answer that, probably with the assistance and guidance of a counsellor or close friend.

OP, have you asked him why?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ShyEnglishman said:


> Sorry @SimplyAmorous, that book you quoted was clearly written by a woman, because it shows a total lack of understanding of men Several of the reasons are just highly illogical and dare I say it, plain wrong.
> 
> A bloke wont go years without sex because he's worried about the economy. Masturbation wont put a bloke off, in fact if anything it will make him want it more. Porn can be a turn on and once turned on, he's not going to shun his wife.


The *8 yrs* is what is so crazy about this situation.. 1st thing I would think is he is likely GAY/ A-sexual ...or his Testosterone is so low he just isn't feeling it...who is to say. 

Yes, she needs to talk to him about it... and not allow the subject to drop, I don't feel anyone should even stay in a marriage like this.. it's not a marriage!

The vast majority of men on TAM are HIGH DRIVE suffering badly with a lack of sex & nothing would turn them away from their wives...so few here can relate to men such as these....

Those were articles -not a book....There is a book, however, written by a man entitled >>
" Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It: Bob Berkowitz: Books


It says..." *Why do men stop having sex with their wives.*..The reason is seldom simple and may have a *physiological* , *psychological* , or *cultural* foundation, recent studies add a genetic component.. Often these elements combine. 

We looked at the statistical reasons our male survey respondents, who self -identified as choosing not to have sex with their spouses, gave us for no longer being intimate, and we studied their comments carefully. We asked men to list the reasons on a scale that went from strongly agree to strongly disagree ...the Following table lists in descending order the percentage of men who agreed with each of the causes"...



> She isn't sexually adventurous enough for me..............68%
> She doesn't seem to enjoy sex..................................61%
> I am interested in sex with others, just not my wife......48%
> I am angry at her...................................................44%
> ...


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> 12 Reasons Your Man Doesn't Want to Have Sex Anymore | The Stir
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Good post SA!
I've never really seen that list but I have heard men say some of the things there, especially #13 , the secret affair.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Do you consider both your husband and yourself attractive?

Are you overweight? Is he?

Does he watch porn? 

What do you wear to bed?

How was sex before this started?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Why does he say he doesn't want sex?

A lot of women nearly cut sex off after children are born, did you do this?


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## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> We looked at the statistical reasons our male survey respondents


With all due respect, a survey on such a delicate matter isn't going to yield reliable results. Sometimes I don't fancy sex. If my wife asked me why, I would honestly say I don't know. I could probably work it out, given time, but it certainly wouldn't be an answer in a multiple choice question.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ShyEnglishman said:


> With all due respect, a survey on such a delicate matter isn't going to yield reliable results. *Sometimes I don't fancy sex. If my wife asked me why, I would honestly say I don't know.* I could probably work it out, given time, but it certainly wouldn't be an answer in a multiple choice question.


I still feel those were logical & worthy responses on this particular thread... if a man wrote an entire book on the subject, I am going to assume he knows a bit about it...much more than myself.... and I assume more than the average Joe for that matter...Whether one agrees with his methods or not. 

See I would find "not knowing why" to be rather odd.... but even that was included .....likely because they got to write out their responses and found a variety of men giving this reason -which helped formulate that list. 

Does it matter how reliable it is statistically...that is not the point anyway... just that some men are refusing sex with their wives and ...the learning of why this is happening was undertaken...It's a worthy question... for one... women can learn what they can DO on their ends (if anything) to get their husband's back in the sack...or get him some help.


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## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> See I would find "not knowing why" to be rather odd....


And right there is one of the most frequent underlying problems in a relationship between a man and a woman.

Women talk at every opportunity about their feelings and experiences. They are "in-tune" (I'm generalising of course, but the point is valid). Men on the other hand do not. This very, very often causes rifts in a relationship. I've had it myself, and I've had my closest friends whining at me about it. It goes something like this. "She follows me around demanding to know what's wrong, and I can't tell her because I haven't worked it out my own head yet", or "She's always nagging at me demanding this and demanding that, and I don't know what to do". If the man then distances himself for a while, to allow himself some thinking/soul searching time to work out what's up, he is accused of "running away".

I'm sure it sometimes goes the other way too. Both partners need to realise that sometimes you need to allow someone time and space to work something out themselves. Sometimes talking is very, very helpful. Sometimes it is just a frustrating reminder that there's a problem that you don't yet understand.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> 5. The pill. Some experts believe that the estrogen in contraceptive pills is making its way to water sources, and from there to men, making them lose their manly drive.


How about foods rich in estrogenic compounds? (e.g. Soy protein, Hops, (Beer) Eggs, etc.)

Monks ate these foods to cope with celibacy...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ShyEnglishman said:


> And right there is one of the most frequent underlying problems in a relationship between a man and a woman.


 Well see, a man wrote the book and your predicament is on the list, so what's the problem.



> Women talk at every opportunity about their feelings and experiences. They are "in-tune" (I'm generalising of course, but the point is valid). Men on the other hand do not. This very, very often causes rifts in a relationship. I've had it myself, and I've had my closest friends whining at me about it. It goes something like this. "She follows me around demanding to know what's wrong, and I can't tell her because I haven't worked it out my own head yet", or "She's always nagging at me demanding this and demanding that, and I don't know what to do". If the man then distances himself for a while, to allow himself some thinking/soul searching time to work out what's up, he is accused of "running away".


 Why would you think I deny this ? I wouldn't ..I perfectly understand men need their cave...though I must admit my husband isn't like this...he's kinda beta, and doesn't have a problem sharing his feelings when I ask... I mean this seriously. He's never found me a nag and I do like to talk about feelings...he's happy I am interested in spending time with him, he is a very affectionate and loving man. Now in the past....he wanted more time and affection from me and I seemed the more aloof. Now we are on the same page, I've lived and learned. 



> I'm sure it sometimes goes the other way too. Both partners need to realise that sometimes you need to allow someone time and space to work something out themselves. Sometimes talking is very, very helpful. Sometimes it is just a frustrating reminder that there's a problem that you don't yet understand.


In our marriage, the NOT talking about something we desired (but assumed) ....was our blunder ...and only in the sexual... never the sharing, and being very open..... just saying.....but of course couples are different .


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## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Why would you think I deny this ?


Why would you think I think that?

I never assumed you would deny or admit it. To be honest that never even entered my head. I was merely offering some insight from my perspective, based on my experience. I'm not suggesting for a second that my experience makes me somehow more wise than anyone else. I wish I was wiser I just think that articles/books that try to consolidate information and then generalise are often quite wide of the mark. How can they not be, when every single one of us is unique? Personal matters can only be dealt with personally, whether that be in the flesh, or on an internet forum where individuals tailor their responses to the specifics offered in preceding posts. With personal matters, there is no 'one size fits all', and I personally don't believe there can ever be a book. Given the risk of marriage, if it really could be consolidated into a set of articles, it would have been done and been a best seller centuries ago.

Anyway, I'm sorry if I've made you feel like I was having a go. I really wasn't. Each and every one of us has something to offer. Sometimes differing life experiences will result in differences of opinion, but surely all that helps to give the widest possible spread of insight.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I would say he's either gay or cheating.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

In my experience, if a guy hasn't expressed interest in sex for 9 days, there's a good chance he's dead. 9 years?


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

9 years? Something is definitely wrong.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

From an HD dude...I doubt that an ongoing affair would cause this. If that's the only issue, I'm sure he'd have plenty left for his W after getting some side action a few times/week. 

My guess would be that he's gay and/or disgusted with his W (mentally or physically) for some reason. I met a woman last year who told me that her H had not touched her in 5+ years. She went on to rip him for this, but then admitted that he busted her PA around that time.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

ShyEnglishman said:


> And right there is one of the most frequent underlying problems in a relationship between a man and a woman.
> 
> *Women talk at every opportunity about their feelings and experiences*. They are "in-tune" (I'm generalising of course, but the point is valid). Men on the other hand do not. This very, very often causes rifts in a relationship. I've had it myself, and I've had my closest friends whining at me about it. It goes something like this. "She follows me around demanding to know what's wrong, and I can't tell her because I haven't worked it out my own head yet", or "She's always nagging at me demanding this and demanding that, and I don't know what to do". If the man then distances himself for a while, to allow himself some thinking/soul searching time to work out what's up, he is accused of "running away".
> 
> I'm sure it sometimes goes the other way too. Both partners need to realise that sometimes you need to allow someone time and space to work something out themselves. Sometimes talking is very, very helpful. Sometimes it is just a frustrating reminder that there's a problem that you don't yet understand.


 Not all woman talk about their feelings. I hate talking about feelings, I would rather avoid it altogether. I actually hide them as well as I can. Not all woman are the SAME!


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

No sex at all in 9 years or very little sex????

Anyone who can go that long without sex it either dead or a zombie... Ok that sounded way better in my head. Anyway...

Could be a few things going on... He is taking care of business alone, having an affair (they gay card is thrown out way to much) but could be gay..(unlikely though), Ed issues, low testosterone, weight gain (both sides) To much porn.. There is really a lot of things that is could be 

Have you asked him what the deal is?? At the 9 year mark I would had to have been committed to a looney bin if that much time had passed. A year was hard enough..

Strait up OP sit down and have a talk with your husband!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I can identify strongly with several of the items on the list. Especially resentments, masturbation, lack of affection and boredom. Not so much lack of attraction although I could see it happening. Also work stress but for me that's always short term related to deadlines and audits.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

My wife and I went 3.5 years without sex at our longest stretch. I wasn't cheating, I am not gay and I have a healthy sex drive. I've had a number of opportunities to have an affair over my 20 year marriage and never gave into that but I honestly can't say what would have happened if one of those opportunities happened during that 3.5 year period. I would like to think I'm better than that.

There are a number of reasons though why we didn't have sex.

- Difficult marriage:
We had (and continue to have) significant problems in our marriage. My resentment and anger culminated in a separation after about 3 years and then it took about a half a year after that before we had sex while we were working on things. 

- Resentment
- Rejection
- Lack of Attraction
Sex had dwindled over the years primarily because with a few exceptions, she generally isn't all that interested. After time I lost interest in her ... hard to want to have sex with somebody you don't respect, I had grown tired of the rejection and frankly, she has become morbidly obese and I am not attracted to her. The physical attraction becomes more important when the emotional connection is weak.

- Depression:
During that time, I had lost my job with a startup. The investors decided to sell the business. The purchasing company was not local and aside from the transition, they didn't need me anymore. I was devastated and took it personally. I had given everything I had and was completely depressed. It was the first time I had ever been unemployed and I felt like a complete failure. No doubt that affected my self-esteem, confidence and ultimately my sex drive. It didn't take me long to find a new job but the impact on me personally took longer to recover from.

In addition, my wife has struggled with depression since I've known her. She is well medicated but she has to stay on top of making sure the meds are adjusted. No doubt this affects her sex drive and it has negatively affected our marriage in a number of ways.

-Coping:
As a way to cope and as embarrassing as it is to admit, I do masturbate on a regular basis. For a short while I did explore porn but it really isn't for me and never became habitual. 


I stayed and fought for that long for a couple of reasons. I am not a quitter for one thing - as terrible as it was, I just did not want to give up trying. Secondly, I have children. They are more important to me than whether I have sex or not. I am no longer my first priority. It had to get to a point where it was unhealthy for my children to see what our marriage had become before I took action and separated.

Our marriage is still relatively sexless. We are on much better terms and she has made radical changes in her life that have improved things considerably. Despite that, I don't know if I can spend the rest of my life without intimacy.

Anyway, that is how a straight man with a sex drive who wasn't having an affair could go 3.5 years without sex. Could I have gone 9 years? I can't imagine. Did my marriage blow up because we didn't have sex? It wasn't the primary reason but many of the reasons it did blow up are the same reasons we didn't have sex.

EDIT:

Thinking about whether I could go 9 years or not. I think two things would have had to happen:

1) I simply gave up and accepted that it wasn't going to get any better and stop trying.
2) I would need to have low self-esteem or confidence to believe that either I didn't deserve better or I couldn't achieve better.

Neither of those things are in my blood.


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## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

ladybird said:


> Not all woman talk about their feelings. I hate talking about feelings, I would rather avoid it altogether. I actually hide them as well as I can. Not all woman are the SAME!


Its interesting how, not just on this forum, but in general, the exception to the rule is always keen to use their own example to rubbish someone else's point. This is why, if you re-read the parts of my post that you quoted, you will see this:



ShyEnglishman said:


> Women talk at every opportunity about their feelings and experiences. They are "in-tune" (*I'm generalising of course, but the point is valid*).


And this:



ShyEnglishman said:


> *I'm sure it sometimes goes the other way too. Both partners* need to realise that sometimes you need to allow someone time and space to work something out themselves. Sometimes talking is very, very helpful. Sometimes it is just a frustrating reminder that there's a problem that you don't yet understand.


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## nanner (Jul 18, 2012)

All the debt is "why a man doesn't want sex", so how does a wife handle a sexless relationship? Are we suppose to just say OK honey, what would you like for dinner? Sorry I'm in the same situation, hubby and I've been intimate 5 times in the last 3 years! Thats when it comes down to my crying, telling him outright that I'm lonely and sad. I just don't have it in me anymore to tell the WHOLE story again, just to end up in the same spot I i've been in for 7 years.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

So if a guy goes without sex for nine years the number one choice is resentful wife, but if a woman goes without for that time the first choice is gay husband? 

Just because men don't communicate like women doesn't mean they don't have feelings! I'd say the number one choice should be resentful husband.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I think you should have a talk with your husband OP, we can only speculate, only he knows the answer...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I could be pulling a tractor trailer load of resentment, but I'm not going nine years without sex.


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## nanner (Jul 18, 2012)

Stonewall said:


> SA's post is accurate. All of the points made are plausible in certain situations. excessive porn use and jerking off to much will definitely do it. The trouble comes with defining those terms.
> 
> But 9 years damnnnn!


I KNOW RIGHT!!! 9 years is a long damn time to, keep telling yourself its not me. I go from, what the heck is going on with you (hubby) to, Its me...i'm old my skin is gross...i'm fat....I'm i'm etc. It makes me crazy.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

My question is why has it gone on for 9 years??


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## essexgirl (Nov 13, 2012)

Thanks everyone for your input.

I KNOW 9 YEARS, unbelievable!!
I just shut down after being rejected many times----- then I found out he was "talking on the internet" sexually with women, REALLY.
so now I am thinking - he founds me unattractive, old (which we both are). I am so hurt, degraded, etc. I don't think I will ever get over this. He has stopped his "internet affairs" and says sorry BUT HOW to forgive and forget? - that's a hard one!!!!!!! :-(((


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