# need advice: is this caused by no sex for newly weds?



## Duckgirl (Nov 27, 2011)

Married for 6 weeks, separated for 8 now. Lots of conflicts all of a suddenly exploded after the wedding: money managing, in-law, lies, etc...

What puzzles me most is I wonder if to what extent no sex plays in the situation. We are both conservative and save for marriage. Then the big day came, with a 5-day honey moon, not successful. Both nervous and cannot make it. After we came back, I encourage us to try again. He seemed no passion, but blaming me not interested in his body.

Really, really lost. What to do now? Is that still worthy to rescue with him stepping out of the marriage?


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## Duckgirl (Nov 27, 2011)

PS: me 32, H 36.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

If the marriage is still not consummated, keep in mind the option of an annulment, which is much simpler than a divorce. Can you expand on the "money managing, in-laws, lies, etc"? How long did you know each other beforehand?

Had neither of you EVER had sex before? A 36 yr old man, no matter how conservative, who is a virgin, to me tells me something is wrong. (So does the 32 yr old woman, but I don't want to be too hard on you since you're the poster!!  )


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## Duckgirl (Nov 27, 2011)

Dated 1 year and lived together 1 year.

Husband claimed he was experienced, so I trusted him, and felt happy because I think he respected me.

I come from a different culture, where pre-marital sex is not encouraged. I don't buy it (no moral judgment), but somehow keep the rule. I know I am nervous about this, and communicated with H that I am very inexperienced and need his patience. He agreed. 

After marriage I realized H sometimes lied about trivial things, and accused me being controlling/jealous. M-in-law keeps judging/being rude to me, and unfortunately H never dares say no to her (She yelled at me: I need to have private time with my son!). With her support, H one day split the join account with me without letting me know. So I lost my temper, and he moved out.

His patterns scared me now. Emotionally still attached to him, but trying to figure out what i should do.


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## Onedery (Sep 22, 2011)

Get an annulment and suggest he marry his mother.


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## Duckgirl (Nov 27, 2011)

So there is no hope in my marriage? I have not even experienced what is the "newly weds" moment, it collapses...


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Duckgirl said:


> Dated 1 year and lived together 1 year.
> 
> Husband claimed he was experienced, so I trusted him, and felt happy because I think he respected me.
> 
> ...


Why was the sex unsucessful on your honeymoon?


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## Duckgirl (Nov 27, 2011)

During the honeymoon, i think we both were nervous. At least I know i did, for him I could tell because I am inexperienced (still do not know now!). But basically when he could not get in, he got frustrated and gave it up. When it continued like this he never wanted to try again.

What I can figure out is H is big size and i am tiny, so the position was awkward and it did not work. I could feel he was there sometimes, but could not get in.

During the cohabitation, we seldom had any conflict. I know he is close to his mom, as a result from a single-parent family. Around the wedding the in-law issue suddenly got intense, and to a degree that I feel she is deliberately humiliating me, but H did not defend me.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You lived with him and never had sex? Wow.

My husband is big, i am small and it works fine. Nerves can cause issues, but not to where someone would want to just give up.

I'd get an annulment...but that's just me. Maybe sex isn't that important to your husband. I mean, he did wait 36 years and didn't sleep with you while living with you. That's just bizarre to me. not to be a virgin, but to cohabit without sex--- like roommates (by choice...).


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## Onedery (Sep 22, 2011)

Duckgirl said:


> So there is no hope in my marriage? I have not even experienced what is the "newly weds" moment, it collapses...


Your situation is not hopeless. However, he needs to EXCLUDE his mommy from the two of you's problems and you both need to get a manual that will explain the nuances of intercourse and apply new (for the two of you) methods.
If he is larger than average, then oral sex will go a long way toward making entry more pliable. Of course, if he has to ask his mother before performing this common practice, then the suggested annulment might be the best route.


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## Duckgirl (Nov 27, 2011)

Mentioned else where but forgot to say here that he has split the joint account and moved out. All of a sudden I became the abandoned... How ridiculous life is!
I guess my life lesson is: drive the car before swipe the credit card, so you know either the car won't run, or you can't drive. But this is so against my culture and my religion.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Duckgirl said:


> But this is so against my culture and my religion.


Please dont take this the wrong way, but this side of the lake, your going to go much farther in life without your cultural and religious taboos.

Its **** what happened to you. Hopefully you go through with the annulement. Also, know that most men are really decent people, yours.... still had the umbilicle cord.


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## Duckgirl (Nov 27, 2011)

Is that the only thing I can do now?


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## TallJeff (Nov 1, 2011)

Do you know HOW to have sex?

That sounds silly, but were you wet? Did he do things to get you wet? (and by you I mean your ____).

Did you use lube? was he all the way hard?

These may sound like naive questions, but sometimes people who haven't done it aren't always aware of the basics (and that would include me in lots of other areas!).

I'm lucky to be a well endowed guy, and I know that getting inside isn't always easy. LOTS of foreplay to prepare you -- which includes preparing you mentally which will prepare you physically -- is key. And sometimes natural lubrication just isn't enough and you may need some store-bought lubrication.

All that said, however, I think you should solve these other issues FIRST. Because not having sex may be a good thing if it makes annulment easier.


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## Duckgirl (Nov 27, 2011)

I was not wet. He tried to make me wet by oral me (and I really appreciate that), and we did use lube. I do not think we had enough foreplay. Normally the oral part, but it was to intense for me. I told him so, and H said it meant to be intense... I did not like the part after minutes of touching he'd ask: are you ready? Somehow it blew me away from the moment...

For him, I do not think he was all the way hard, because he had to keep rubbing himself. But maybe I was wrong. I still think the problem came from the position.

Anyway, but even a sexless start, even with other issues should not lead to separation and no communication in the marriage.


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