# Am I being unreasonable or asking to much???



## ak41 (Sep 12, 2012)

Ok my husband has two issues that I would like to ask you all about. When he is going to be late coming home from work I think it would be nice if he could just call or text me and let me know (once in awhile it doesn't have to be alll the time).

And if he decides like he has that it is just beyond him or above him to call me whether he is 1 hour or 3 hours late, he also doesn't feel he needs to give me a explanation as to why he was late, he told me giving me an explanation feels like an excuse, so if I want to know why he was late I need to ask him.

This really bothers me and I have let him know this. When we were dating each other if he was going to be a few minutes late he was calling to let me know and letting me know why he was late and now I deal with this.

He was bad at his old job but since he took his new job it has gotten so much worse. And at both jobs he has no problem letting calling to let the family business know he will be late coming there after work but calling me is just to much for him.

I feel very disrespected!! I have talked to him and it gets me nowhere. He gets worse by the day and lives his life like he's a single man, I'm not perfect but he so takes for granted what he has. Am I being unreasonable in maybe wanting to know he's going to be late sometimes and at least if he isn't going to call me to explain where he's been for hours once he is home. I know this behavior would never fly me doing it. Thoughts


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

He's not calling you because he doesn't want his girlfriend to know he's married and calling his wife to let her know he'll be late getting home.


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

How do you know this are you her husband??


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sounds like a simple matter of courtesy and thoughtfulness. He understands the need to treat others with courtesy and respect on the job, so I fail to understand why he doesn't feel obligated to do so for the person who allegedly means the most to him.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Two things come to mind. He may be hiding something from you by coming home late without explanations, so you may want to investigate quietly. And, if he's an hour late without notice, don't be home - go out somewhere, have dinner with a girlfriend, or see a movie. If he's okay with you not being home when expected without explanation, then perhaps cut him the same slack. I doubt that he will see it that way, and may change his behavior so that you will as well.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

ak41 said:


> Ok my husband has two issues that I would like to ask you all about. When he is going to be late coming home from work I think it would be nice if he could just call or text me and let me know (once in awhile it doesn't have to be alll the time).
> 
> And if he decides like he has that it is just beyond him or above him to call me whether he is 1 hour or 3 hours late, he also doesn't feel he needs to give me a explanation as to why he was late, he told me giving me an explanation feels like an excuse, so if I want to know why he was late I need to ask him.
> 
> ...


Most people who do this only appreciate what they have after they no longer have it.

It's time to set a hard boundary on what is acceptable to you!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I don't think that's out of line at all. This would and has bothered me in relationships. Time to make that boundry known.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Is he working over time at the job? 

I think some investigation is reasonable.

Also, that idea of just not being home when he gets there is a good one.

Even if you have nothing to do, make a point of being gone, no dinner prepared, etc.

I hope he is not out drinking too much or has a side chick, but you can't really know until you look into it.

If he is just hard head and at work?

He doesn't sound, at minimum, respectful.


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## ak41 (Sep 12, 2012)

He just started a new job this year, working as a teacher so it is alot of stress, i will give him that and he a total workaholic. But he also likes to talk and he has a hard time being like ok I need to get going. 

But again like I mentioned before even a text would be nice sometimes. He basically works two full time jobs, between his school job and the family business and he barely has time for home so if cheating is going on anything is possible I guess


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## ak41 (Sep 12, 2012)

he started his new job in 2014


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

A harsh reply you got. How does someone know for sure he has a girlfriend?.

Op. I think its really disrespectful of him not to call you if he is going to be late, your his wife after all.

I would talk to him about this and ask him why hes late, and why he cant give a quick call or text if hes going to be late. Just tell him how you feel.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Its odd how so many people jump straight to the 'he's having an affair' conclusion.

He might be under alot of pressure at work to meet deadlines etc and when he is so engrossed in his work things that 'we' find normal and polite fly out the window.

Yes I think he should have the courtesy to ring his wife and let her know he will be late etc....

There were many occasions when I was delayed home because I was dealing with something - fatal car crash, serious assault etc - phoning my wife never crossed my mind because I was too engrossed in what I was doing/dealing with at the time.


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## unhappy74 (Mar 30, 2015)

I think a phone call or text when someone is gonna be late regardless of the time is well deserved. Esp if you're hours late! The other person sits waiting around and then the mind starts to think "what if they got in an accident & that's why they didn't call". I would take the previous advice...if he doesn't hear your plea for a simple phone call, then I wouldn't be sitting home waiting....be gone when he gets there & see how fast your phone rings then! Good Luck


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## OLDERMARRIEDCOUPLE (Mar 13, 2015)

My wife was a teacher. Do you mind me asking what type? Is he a coach? There is a reason for this question that is directly related to your original post.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

ak41 said:


> He just started a new job this year, working as a teacher so it is alot of stress, i will give him that and he a total workaholic. But he also likes to talk and he has a hard time being like ok I need to get going.
> 
> But again like I mentioned before even a text would be nice sometimes. He basically works two full time jobs, between his school job and the family business and he barely has time for home so if cheating is going on anything is possible I guess


Sounds like he might be working so hard that it's leaving very little connection time between you. If he's working all the time than his work (and his co-workers) is becoming, or has become, his world, not you. And thus it feels like an intrusion when you ask him to justify his time, his world.

How is your sex life? How much quality time do you spend together? Is there any known resentment on his part toward you?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Why is he working two full time jobs?


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## ak41 (Sep 12, 2012)

He teaches at a college. 

He works two full time jobs because he is a total workaholic and I never realized it was this bad. When we were dating he made time for me and was very caring and considerate of me. 

As soon as our titles changed that all went out the window and when he took this new teaching job it just got a million times worse it's like I don't even exists anymore.

The sex part of our marriage is good but nothing else but it doesn't really feel like were connected anymore. 

No we don't spend hardly anytime together and I do think his co workers have become his life and he does look at me as an intruder.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Seems like the core thrust of your conversation with him should be about reducing his work time down to something manageable.

Seems a reasonable thing to ask.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Nothing at all wrong with wanting to know if your spouse will be late home. It's called manners.

My hubby always lets me know if he's going to be late. If he goes out for work drinks he always asks if I'm ok with that - not to ask permission but to make sure I haven't planned something for us you know? When I ask him what time he'll be home, I don't mind if the answer is 7pm or 11pm, just be home when he says he will. That's all I ask.

This came about because I set a firm boundary with him. One night back before we were engaged, he went out for work drinks to celebrate meeting a huge deadline. He was running late, but it was a Friday night and I knew he was going out so I wasn't concerned. He called me at about 7.30pm and said he was grabbing a taxi and would be home soon. Should've taken no more than 20 mins. 11pm he still wasn't home. 12midnight, 1am, 2am. I'd called all the hospitals, police, he hadn't been in an accident. I was frantic - where was he? Was he ok? Was he hurt? Was he sick? 

He finally got home at 3am!! I told him I was too angry to talk to him then but we would be discussing this the next day. The next morning I laid it on the line, told him there was NO excuse for what he did (and there isn't) and that if it EVER happened again that I would leave, for the simple reason that it was excruciating not knowing where he was or if he was ok, and that I couldn't go through that again. He got the message, loud and clear.

What had happened was that he went to his car to wait (it was cold) when he couldn't get a taxi quickly, and he was so exhausted from weeks of overtime and a few drinks on top of that made him fall asleep, lol.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ak41,

Do you have a job? Or are you a stay-at-home wife?


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