# How do I tell him ?



## Bear (May 8, 2010)

I am 23 years old. We have a four year old girl together, been married five years. He joined the army for four years, got a medical discharge. Then we moved to his parents house, it was suppose to be for two weeks. Its almost been a year. I have high anxiety, but am no longer on meds. I try to control it when I can and when I can't, I move to another "environment". When changes happen, or I am extremely stressed, I am thrown into an anxiety attack, which makes me extremely tired at the end, and very irritable. 
His parents and I get along okay. But now his best friend lives here as well. I am fine with that. What I am not fine with, is being their maid or getting "in trouble" for not doing enough. When his parents do none. Literally. 
His best friend and I are constantly neck and neck for my husband's attention. I am tired of it. Ever since he moved in, he gets 100% of my husbands attention. My husband has canceled our plans to go places with his friend. Not to mention if I get "close" to him he freaks about me crowding him. Yet his friend is okay to do so. Now a days he stays up until whenever, not letting me know a time on when he will be to "Bed". We sleep on a fouton, not complaining, it is MUCH better than the floor!!!
He goes out Whenever he wants, don't tell me where he is going or when he is going out. I don't mind that either. Until the chance comes where I want to do something. He calls me every five minutes, asking me where I am, when I will come home. Yells. To the point that one day I was in the store with my friend and he was so loud, everyone in our isle looked at me and gave me an odd expression.

I get out of the house twice a month. Only for 3 hours, thats the longest I can stand his constant nagging. I try to get him to go out with me but he always has an excuse. When he is sick I take care of him because he "asks" me too. When I am sick he leaves me alone completely. 
I feel trapped, have no liceanse. I am 23 years old. My mom died at an early age in my childhood and my dad was against me driving. So when I got married I got my permit, I was so excited. I can't tell you how many times I have had it since then. He wont take me driving at all. He wont let me get someone else who will. Yet he gets my permit for me, which I don't understand. I am a stay at home mom. Working with my four year old constantly. I never have friends over. Not to mention we have yet to celebrate mother's day. Which isn't REALLY a big deal. But its just hard when my friends call, all excited about lunch. My friend actually felt bad enough for me to invite me along on her lunch, Which I turned down, not wanting to be a bother.The only time he is keeping our "plans" or spending one on one time with me, is when he is sick, or when we get a chance to go to a motel, once every month. *We just started doing this. We been to a motel twice* But as soon as we leave, he goes back to his best friend it seems like, or his dad. I am tired of feeling left out all of the time, or like a third wheel, someone intervening. 99% of the time when plans are made for fun trips to the movies or whatever, I am always excluded. That includes Rock on the range. His dad and best friend were invited. I have to stay home.
How do I tell my husband how I feel? Without me always seeming like making him the bad person? He really isn't a bad person, he is an excellent father and husband when he attempts. Lately it feels like I am the only one who is making an attempt. Its been a year since he has been out of the army, and I understand that has a big part of it. He was diagnosed with PTSD. Advice on what I should do, Not do ? Anything is highly appreciated.


----------



## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

First off Lady, and this may be very difficult to hear, but you HAVE to get a grasp on your own life. Your husband isn't treating you properly and keeping you so dependent is a form of abuse. 

INSIST on couples counseling and if he won't go, then you go. If you can't afford it, talk to the military family services closest to you and see what resources they provide for vets and their families.

"Won't let you" find someone to help you get your license? You are not a child and he cannot control you like one unless YOU let him. Get your license. Your daughter will be in school soon and is the perfect opportunity for you to start looking for a life. Get a job and get ready to move out on your own - with or without him. What do you really want your daughter to see? How about a strong, empowered woman that will live life on HER terms for starters. 

You are sleeping on a futon at another woman's house while your husband is acting like a child. You are not being put first as a Wife, you are more like the second mommy, not cool to hang out with, but counted on to take care of him while he chills with his buddy and acts like an overgrown child. Is this really what you want?

It's time to sit down and communicate with him. Let him know what you want and what you are willing to tolerate. Being nagged when you go out is not one of those things, especially as he feels free to come and go as he pleases. Honestly, if he isn't willing to make some serious changes, to start to at least work on getting you out into your own home, and begin treating you like you deserve, then take your daughter and move into your own mother's house until he comes to his senses, or move on without him to a man that will stand up for his family instead of parking them at mom and dad's while he plays as if he's still a teen.

PTSD is a challenge for sure, but it's not an excuse to treat you or his parents the way he is doing. I'm sure his parents are very gracious, but they deserve their home back to themselves and you deserve your own home.


----------

