# Playing with fire.



## Hospicewife (Apr 30, 2015)

Hello! I am in a confusing situation. I realize this isn't much of a very new sort of topic but, please let me know your thoughts and concerns.

I am a mommy of 2 and wife of a sweet husband. I also work overtime as a CNA at a hospice that I volunteered at for a few years prior. Thing is, since I have started working the 12 hr shifts I have become so happy and confident because I felt I have found my place in the world that is meaningfull. 

In comes the fire.....
I have also had a stressful home life where I feel like I am always the one with chores while DH is too stressed to lend a hand besides putting things in the washer. At work I am so happy and bubbly and people respond positively. One guy in particular responds curiously and sweetly. I never noticed until I had a sex dream about him. The sex dream opened a flood gate of my libido kicking into high gear and realizing that I maybe have chemistry with him?
I came to work the next day and noticed the sweet side glances and long eye contact and sweet smiles. I have a crush. I am not sure he feels the same. I try not to stare too long or let any co workers talk. I love my job and sure he does too so any conversation is minimal but impactful with how sweet he is when I have an extremely mean patient.

Is this just in my head? How do I go back to marital bliss with sweet hubby?


Thank you


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

HW,

What exactly is 'sweet' about flirting with a married woman?

And he IS flirting with you. Very intentionally. 

I suggest you do a little exercise. 

Rewrite your post below, by substitute Father for mommy and husband for wife. Pretend your H is writing to us about this sweet woman at work who is flirting with him. 

How does that feel? 

If your H is being a slouch at home - then be direct with him about that. But that's not the basis for having an affair. 




Hospicewife said:


> Hello! I am in a confusing situation. I realize this isn't much of a very new sort of topic but, please let me know your thoughts and concerns.
> 
> I am a mommy of 2 and wife of a sweet husband. I also work overtime as a CNA at a hospice that I volunteered at for a few years prior. Thing is, since I have started working the 12 hr shifts I have become so happy and confident because I felt I have found my place in the world that is meaningfull.
> 
> ...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

MEM11363 said:


> HW,
> 
> What exactly is 'sweet' about flirting with a married woman?
> 
> ...


:iagree:

You can't control what your husband does or doesn't do, but you CAN control what you do. If he won't help at home (and he should), you either hire someone to clean the house or you stop doing for him. 

Another poster, Turnera used the second method with success with her husband. She stopped doing his washing. When he ran out of clothes he hit the roof but she calmly explained that she'd tried and tried to get him to help her, but he wouldn't so she had to help herself. He got it, then each time he did something for her she'd do a load of washing for him.

Give it a try.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Hospicewife said:


> I also work overtime as a CNA at a hospice that I volunteered at for a few years prior. Thing is, since I have started working the 12 hr shifts I have become so happy and confident because I felt I have found my place in the world that is meaningfull.
> 
> In comes the fire.....
> I have also had a stressful home life where I feel like I am always the one with chores while DH is too stressed to lend a hand besides putting things in the washer.


 When you were volunteering at the hospice, was your husband the main breadwinner and you a stay at home mom? If so, that is where he got into the habit of letting you do most of the house work, which at the time was fair. If you are now an equal bread winner, he can no longer expect you to do most of the house work as that is no longer fair; you need to update him as to the change in situation.

That being said, nothing your husband is doing gives you the right to have a physical or emotional affair. You need to chose between your husband and this job, because having wet dreams about a co-worker will hurt your marriage in ways that you cannot imagine. Time to put your big girl panties on and to do the unpleasant job of deciding to either change jobs or knowingly gamble with your marriage. I thing that it is a suckers bet to stay at this job, but it is your call.


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## Kresaera (Nov 8, 2014)

I would change jobs. Especially if you are in a position where you are closely working with this man on a daily basis.


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## Hospicewife (Apr 30, 2015)

TRy said:


> When you were volunteering at the hospice, was your husband the main breadwinner and you a stay at home mom? If so, that is where he got into the habit of letting you do most of the house work, which at the time was fair. If you are now an equal bread winner, he can no longer expect you to do most of the house work as that is no longer fair; you need to update him as to the change in situation.
> 
> That being said, nothing your husband is doing gives you the right to have a physical or emotional affair. You need to chose between your husband and this job, because having wet dreams about a co-worker will hurt your marriage in ways that you cannot imagine. Time to put your big girl panties on and to do the unpleasant job of deciding to either change jobs or knowingly gamble with your marriage. I thing that it is a suckers bet to stay at this job, but it is your call.



Always equal partner in job share, now I am overtime. Volunteering was an extra thing because I never wanted much of a social life. Turns out it is my life's work. Thank you for your response. 

I can change job locations, but never would I want to leave the practice, it just means too much. I in my own mind I want to see the chemistry fade and just see this as a passing realization that perhaps it is just a phase? I am very open and DH knows and are talking very openly. If things were reversed I know I would feel unwanted, and wonder why? It feels so wonderfully bizarre but I wouldn't cheat. I just want things back to normal.

As a human why couldn't I just appreciate that he thought I was cute? Why are my emotions on this bizarrely awesome roller Coaster?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Hospicewife said:


> Hello! I am in a confusing situation. I realize this isn't much of a very new sort of topic but, please let me know your thoughts and concerns.
> 
> I am a mommy of 2 and wife of a sweet husband. I also work overtime as a CNA at a hospice that I volunteered at for a few years prior. Thing is, since I have started working the 12 hr shifts I have become so happy and confident because I felt I have found my place in the world that is meaningfull.
> 
> ...


All our facepalm are belong to you.

:slap:

While you ponder that, maybe read this...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/66063-before-you-decide-leave-read-my-story.html

...and then ponder THAT.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

So are you saying if your sweet husband took out the trash and did the dishes in addition to the laundry, then you wouldn't have sex dreams about your coworker?

Good grief.

And you know it is absolute baloney that all he does around the house is an occasional load of wash. You know it, I know it, he knows it, everyone reading here knows it. Don't change facts to justify your lust at work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If your place in the world that is meaningful is your job, what you should do is give custody of your children to your husband so you can focus on it.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I would ask yourself one question: would you at least give your husband full custody of the kids and an easy divorce once this comes to light ? Especially since he is not doing any of the housework at the moment - that way he would be forced to do all the housework and you and sweet [email protected] (sorry, I mean noble care worker who doesn't normally make a habit of hitting on married women and breaking up families) can act on your mutual lust (sorry I mean admiration).


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

I'm guessing she's under 21.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

So, you titled your thread "playing with fire", and you know what happens when you play with fire, right?

So, that should be your answer right there....I mean...were you expecting people encourage you and give you the ok to flirt with this guy at work? Why is your husband stressed at home? Maybe he isn't experiencing this new libido that just opened up?


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Hospicewife said:


> I in my own mind I want to see the chemistry fade and just see this as a passing realization that perhaps it is just a phase? I am very open and DH knows and are talking very openly. If things were reversed I know I would feel unwanted, and wonder why? It feels so wonderfully bizarre but I wouldn't cheat. I just want things back to normal.


IME it fades after awhile and they just go back to colleague. 

Never had sex dreams but when I was married and had sex fantasies with outside people I interrupted them by prayer- deliberately applying the Bible verse "take every thought captive to obedience to Christ". That worked every time and almost instantly.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

OP, there's nothing wrong or abnormal finding another person attractive. We're human, it happens. But acting on it is a problem--and flirting back with your co-worker IS acting on it. No, you're not cheating, and you say you would never cheat, but actively engaging in flirting is laying the groundwork for a potential affair down the line, which may become more likely if your discontent/resentment over hubby's lack of domestic contribution grows. 

(Not to mention the rumor mill. People love to gossip, and if you and co-worker are flirty, people WILL notice and people WILL talk.)

So... why are you even flirting with this co-worker? I've noticed that people who are satisfied in their relationships don't flirt with other people. So, what are you getting from this flirtation that you're not getting from your hubby? (Domestic support issue aside.)


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening hospicewife
Playing with fire is FUN - its sort of an emotional extreme-sport. One miss-step leads to disaster- and maybe that is the appeal. As long as you are honestly aware of the risks, it is up to you.

If your relationship at home were better, this would be a much safer game. Once you start to think negatively about your husband though, it is easy to get infatuated with someone new (who from all you can tell, may not do the dishes either....)


I think it is fair to ask yourself - if your husband were flirting at work, and ended up having an affair, what would you do? Would you be able to forgive him for playing and accidentally slipping, or would you think he was a horrible person.


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## OLDERMARRIEDCOUPLE (Mar 13, 2015)

I know this will sound brutal but...

I think you should go for it! Then when you find out this guy is not perfect either you can spend the rest of your life regretting thorwing your marriage away.


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## Brigit (Apr 28, 2015)

Hospicewife said:


> Always equal partner in job share, now I am overtime. Volunteering was an extra thing because I never wanted much of a social life. Turns out it is my life's work. Thank you for your response.
> 
> I can change job locations, but never would I want to leave the practice, it just means too much. I in my own mind I want to see the chemistry fade and just see this as a passing realization that perhaps it is just a phase? I am very open and DH knows and are talking very openly. If things were reversed I know I would feel unwanted, and wonder why? It feels so wonderfully bizarre but I wouldn't cheat. I just want things back to normal.
> 
> As a human why couldn't I just appreciate that he thought I was cute? Why are my emotions on this bizarrely awesome roller Coaster?


Yep. You're playing with fire and I feel bad cause I know how you feel right now. I had a long-term affair (online only) and I remember the beginning when I felt that surge of pleasure in my brain when given the attention of another man. You may or may not cross the line soon. My guess is you probably will and since you see him in person you will actually touch him. The fact that you posted here means you know it's not a good idea to continue seeing this guy. Now that he's "dangerous" he's going to be so much more interesting. You need to leave the job now and work somewhere else. If you don't the chances of you cheating are probably about 85%.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Hospicewife said:


> Hello! I am in a confusing situation. I realize this isn't much of a very new sort of topic but, please let me know your thoughts and concerns.
> 
> I am a mommy of 2 and wife of a sweet husband. I also work overtime as a CNA at a hospice that I volunteered at for a few years prior. Thing is, since I have started working the 12 hr shifts I have become so happy and confident because I felt I have found my place in the world that is meaningfull.
> 
> ...


Hospice:
what you are experiencing is quite common IMO (work crush). occurrs with happily married people and not so happy. i have a few questions:

-- is the guy at work married or single?

-- you mentioned a spike in your libido after your sexy dream. is that fueling a more frequent and higher quality sex life with your husband? i.e. that kind of spike in desire can be put to use for a good purpose.

-- what was your libido level like before the dream/crush? what was/is your sexual attraction level toward your husband?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Invite him over for dinner to meet your husband and children.

See if it is still fun to flirt with him in front of your family and see if he gives you as much attention in front of your H and children.

Reality check. You are a grown up. Right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Hospicewife said:


> Hello! I am in a confusing situation. I realize this isn't much of a very new sort of topic but, please let me know your thoughts and concerns.
> 
> I am a mommy of 2 and wife of a sweet husband. I also work overtime as a CNA at a hospice that I volunteered at for a few years prior. Thing is, since I have started working the 12 hr shifts I have become so happy and confident because I felt I have found my place in the world that is meaningfull.
> 
> ...



I'll be honest with you. It appears the co-worker is playing you. Don't be that sucker caught on the outside looking in as your H disappears into the sunset and the co-worker drops you like a bad habit.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Go for it. You only live once. Your husband isn't giving you the attention this new guy is. It's gonna' happen sooner or later. Go with it while you can.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Sanity check. We know nothing about you aside from you developing a crush on a coworker. Before anyone can help you work thru feelings and figure out how to strengthen your marriage, how is your marriage? You mention your H does very little around the house. Is that true? How is your sex life? Good? Too busy with kids? Do you and your H date regularly? If not, why not?

It's natural to feel a boost from someone else who finds you attractive. The question is, what are his true motives? A healthy dose of skepticism is beneficial to you as a person.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

First, you need to accept that there is NOTHING meaningful about your strong attraction to this other person. Absolutely nothing. You have posted that you think there is, some version of, "Why is this such a strong feeling if it's just a crush/passing fancy/whatever?" Accept that a strong physical attraction has nothing to do with a person's real virtue or character. In fact, in your profession, there are a fair number of narcissists who need the admiration of others and rather than *real* compassion for their patients, they are masters at feigning compassion (to the point they themselves don't realize it) so that others will admire their selflessness. You wouldn't discover this unless you spent enough time with the other person to find out that they have zero compassion when no one is watching. 

So, start realizing that you have created a fantasy in your head about how amazing the two of you would be together--both sooooo caring and sweet and such amazing chemistry! Start a different story--one where he goes home and kicks the dog b/c it got a hair on his leg when he walked in, or whatever. 

You are married with two kids. If you give in to this now, you will spend a lifetime pursuing the unreal (b/c trust us, this relationship will only last until the "next one" comes along). NO ONE can compete with a new attraction, so change jobs or shifts or whatever, confess to your husband that you have been feeling attracted to someone else, and start counseling. Humbling yourself will be the hardest thing you have ever had to do, and while it will crush him--for a time--being honest and working through this together is the only chance you have to keep your family intact.

FWIW, I used to turn my crushes into amusement that stoked my libido and my then-husband benefited. I never felt the least tempted to actually cheat, however, so you probably cannot do that without burning everything--not just yourself and h, but the kids too. Step away from the flames and re-learn how to appreciate the warm glow of daily life, and how to stoke that into an inferno with h.


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## Alrighty then (Apr 29, 2015)

Remember those vows and the witnesses at your marriage ceremony? 

Was all that just a bunch of fake hooey or did you mean it?


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