# My ramblings...



## Endgame (Nov 6, 2011)

I must have too much free time on my hands as I have been pondering the reasons why so many marriages end up in divorce, ending what was once a beautiful relationship. It must have been lovely at one time, or a marriage proposal would have never been made and accepted, right?

So, as I was thinking, what happens to marriages that fail? Underlying abuse of any form that was hidden is certain to rear their ugly head eventually, but even those issues could be addressed and managed if handled properly. Infidelity is another one of those deal breakers, but I find many who are cheated on find a way to forgive, but the one who commits the crime so-to-speak isn't so willing to show remorse for their actions and usually take an ugly stance against the one they left, pointing fingers and rewriting history. Eventually, they are dealt a hefty blow when the one they ran too up and leaves them as well. So, where does that leave everybody? In a big mess, and heartbroken, that's where.

Personally, I believe it's a condition that needs to be addressed on a level that's worldwide and look into the relationships that stay strong and successful and those which don't. I believe it would be an eye opening experience to say the least, as the ones who stayed together were able to work through issues and problems and those with relationships which failed would prove to be those that find an exit door when the going gets a little rough.

Is it pure selfishness that leads one away from their commitments, or is it placing expectations on one or each other to perform or act a certain way? I guess failure can come in many forms, but after reading through so many stories here and other places, these few scenarios seem to be at the forefront.

What happened to the vows? You know, to love, honor and cherish, through thick and thin, through good times and bad? Were those just spoken words that have no meaning?

Marriage takes a lot of work. It's just like a garden, constantly needing attention, pulling out the weeds, watering and fertilizing, and planting new flowers to bloom and grow. If we fail to maintain it, the weeds will eventually choke the life out of it and the garden will die. Maybe there's just too much laziness or not interest in keeping a marriage strong anymore. We have a tendency to work at jobs that don't require much in the way of physical strength, as we save those for the ones who are uneducated or brought in from other countries. We also live in cultures that have a disposable mentality. Cell phones, cars, computers, just about everything is disposable now-a-days. Even our homes, we no longer stay put for extended periods of time to let treasured memories fill the halls. Could our relationships be placed in the same category? Once it's been used and worn out a bit, it's time to start looking for something new? 

I write this as I'm preaching to myself. I'm just like everybody else here, struggling with a spouse of 20 years who no longer wants to work on our “garden.” He had his eye on another, much younger woman, a co-worker, for the past few years, and neglected his duties as a husband and father. Now, she's no longer in his life, nor his job, and instead of wanting to work on a massive clean-up and rebuilding of our relationship, he would rather walk away and leave his spouse completely heartbroken and his three teenage children angry and bitter.

I remember it was very sweet and enjoyable relationship for many years. Obviously we had our share of moments and disagreements, but the sun never set on our anger until the other woman entered the picture. Then the finger pointing and the rewriting of history came to the forefront. Evil overcame good, pain conquered peace and heartache squashed love.

However, through all of this, I have discovered how strong a woman I truly am, as my faith has been tested to it's limits and I know I will overcome this painful chapter in my life. There will be a sunrise tomorrow, and beautiful days and sunsets will sure fill my life once again. I will continue to walk in peace towards my wayward spouse and even when the divorce is finalized, he will know that I harbor no ill will towards him.

I'm not sure why I have shared all of this with you, but like I said, I must have too much spare time on my hands right now.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I've said this before, I believe it's actually for worse or for better, instead of the other way around. The problem is, a lot of couples give up while things are bad, and they never make it to the better.

I feel that most marriages can be saved, if both partners are willing. Don't get me wrong, there are definitely marriages that should end (abuse, etc) but a lot of them people give up too easily. I don't think people get married with the idea of forever. They go into it thinking "Well if this doesn't work out, we can get a divorce."

Just my opinion of course.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Many people think it's supposed to be a movie. Many people don't want to work at anything. They think if they have to work at it, it's not good. They think 'love' is butterflies and rainbows and when the tingling feeling goes away, they think they have fallen out of love. They are raised by single parents so they haven't seen long term love.

Many reasons.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I like you sense of hope that's why you can forgive him. He really has taken nothing from you in fact he gave you many good years. I feel bad for him. He will, in time, regrete being so foolish, you may never hear of his regrete but he will feel it. When we throw away a something that is aged and maybe a little battered like a fine antique for instance, for something new. we realize the value of the old when the new proves flimsy and without depth and quality. 

I think he will long for the comfort of your presence, the rememberence of your shared history, the joys of watching the growth and maturing of his children, the generational pride of grands and the assurance, as he ages, that he is loved and cared for. He will pine for the fantasy life for a year or two, he will no doubt try to replace her with someone new but when he finally pauses in his search for love and acceptance, he will realize he had it in spades and threw it away for an empty future. 

You sound like a lovely person to wish him well even though he made your life and that of your family hell. I would express your benevolence towards him, not in a way that will make him think you would take him back. But tell he is right to leave his family and that you agree that he needs to find love elsewhere and wish him every happiness. Threat with kindness but detachment. That will do more to help you heal than anger and recriminations. 

But you know that already. I also think that it will hit him where it hurts, because deep inside he knows how wrong he is and when he feels the full effect of his wrong, it will be all the more painful. He cannot point to anyone but himself for being a fool of the worse type an old one. 

I feel when we are young and foolish, we have time to recover. but an old fool has limited time to make the neccessary changes. That's why we gather wisdom as we age and use it to turn things around before we run out of time. Old fools are stuck in a world that has moved past them and they are left to ruminate like cows chewing cud.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

That is why so many people leave one relationship & then jump right into another. They think the tingling feeling should last forever, and when it doesn't, they think there is something wrong with the relationship.

A lot of people disagree and think that relationships shouldn't be work. The question is, how much work is too much work? Or too little?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

You are so right, marriage is hard work, it ebbs and flows, but both parties need to work hard. My H walked away for no good reason, he doesn't have another relationship, he just lost faith that ours could be good again. I have tried to do everything I could to help him see that he doesn't need to throw the whole thing away. He is feeling so badly he didn't even stay at his mom's house on Thanksgiving so our kids could stop over to see him there. He is so sad, and I want to help him but he can't let me. Every day I pray that there will be a break through and I am going to pray that until the end.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Many people think it's supposed to be a movie. Many people don't want to work at anything. They think if they have to work at it, it's not good. They think 'love' is butterflies and rainbows and when the tingling feeling goes away, they think they have fallen out of love. They are raised by single parents so they haven't seen long term love.
> 
> Many reasons.


My stbwh said to me "Are we really right for each other if it is so much work?"- um, yeah, after the trials and tribulations of life for 23 years and 3 kids, yes sometimes it is work. But nope, when the going got rough, he found someone willing to have sex with a married man and he put a bullet in it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I have said it time and time again, most divorces are NOT mutual. It takes two people to get married, but only one to divorce. Generally speaking, one person wants to end the marriage and unfortunately, the other has no other choice but to concede.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mckinny (Nov 20, 2011)

I don't think the majority of marriages fail bc it is suppose to be so Hollywood. A dissolved marriage is not always so black and white. And it is a very serious matter not taken lightly. It's heartbreaking. Completely devasting. And very real world.
I believe people change, marriages change...people grow, marriages grow...sometimes apart, sometimes together. Many marry for the wrong reasons, whether it be related to past experiences, security...etc. Maybe the reasons were right but it all turned wrong. 
People manifest. They turn into people that they were once not. There are alot of stressors involved. And honestly, some marriages are just not strong enough to get through the burdens. A husband that was once kind, has let aminosity of a rocky marriage turn him to an occasional abuser... A wife that was once satisfied with mediocre now wants a life because she only has one life to live. 
It's a mixed up world. People just don't talk anymore in marriages and very few love  Sometimes it's too late, and your heart becomes empty. 
I never expected a fairy tale marriage. No tingles. Just love.


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