# I should have known...



## hollow82 (Apr 1, 2014)

Hello. I have been reading on this forum for a few months & finally feel ready for some advice. (hopefully)
Here is my story: I have been married to my husband for 10 months. We have lived together for 4 years. (we were together previously but broke up/got back together etc)

I am absolutely miserable. Since we have lived together we rarely have sex. I mean every 1-2 months. I am very sexual I have talked to him many many times about the fact that I need to have sex more. I need that intimacy & to feel wanted. His reasoning is that he is pretty much lazy. I know that he masturbates/watched porn because he has admitted to it. 
And when we DO have sex we don't even kiss. There is VERY little foreplay & no consideration for me. I feel basically like a blow up doll he gets out and dusts off every now and then. It is not a good feeling. 

Before we got married we had these issues also. I had major anxiety about getting married. But when it came down to it, he is a nice guy, good job, does love me...we had everything planned etc. I see now that I wasn't having cold feet but it was my gut telling me to not do it. 

There are plenty of other issues too but this is the one that makes me feel absolutely horrible & had me here asking for advice.

I have asked him to go to counseling and he refuses. 

I am just scared that everyone will blame me if we get divorced because he is so NICE & a good provider. No one knows the truth behind it. 

Is it too much that I want to feel wanted & have a passion between me and my husband? I am 32 and would still like to have children. I just don't see it happening with him...

Any advice is much appreciated!!!


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

He needs to stop with the porn. That's the main issue why there is no sex. All his energy is being wasted on porn. 


Have him google "brain on porn"

Does he think masterbating is not a problem?

Stop trying to fix the marriage by yourself. You will get no where. He needs to be on board. If he is not then your in for a miserable marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So you lived together for 4 years, and your sex life was bad. Why did you get married? How did this seem like a good idea? Why now, 10 months later, are you looking for a magical solution to fix things?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hollow82 (Apr 1, 2014)

I am afraid you are right...
I have been trying to fix it myself but I just can't. I guess I just do not understand how he or anyone can not crave the human touch.
I will google your suggestion & ask him to do the same. 

If I am honest, I am at a point where I don't even want him to touch me. I feel so rejected that I have shut off my feelings towards him.


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## hollow82 (Apr 1, 2014)

PBear said:


> So you lived together for 4 years, and your sex life was bad. Why did you get married? How did this seem like a good idea? Why now, 10 months later, are you looking for a magical solution to fix things?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Basically I am a people pleaser. Everyone (my family, friends) just thought he was the greatest catch. I tried to push down my own reservations & hope things would get better. So, I took what they said and went with it. 

The simple answer? I am an IDIOT. I see that now.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

hollow82 said:


> Basically I am a people pleaser. Everyone (my family, friends) just thought he was the greatest catch. I tried to push down my own reservations & hope things would get better. So, I took what they said and went with it.
> 
> The simple answer? I am an IDIOT. I see that now.


And what are you doing to change that aspect of your personality? If you don't, your next relationship is likely to be about as successful. 

I'm still wondering how you put up with this for 4 years, and now, 10 months after the honeymoon, you can't stand for him to touch you. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Everything you are feeling is normal. 

You just can't grasp why a husband would not want to have sex/passion with his wife. 

One answer can be he is not attracted to you. I'm def not saying you are unattractive but that happens a lot to men and women. 

But my guess is its the porn. 

If he won't watch it, you need to watch it and understand. 



Your Brain On Porn | Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's Internet porn


Your Brain On Porn: Porn Addiction (Part 1 of 6) - YouTube
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hollow82 (Apr 1, 2014)

PBear said:


> And what are you doing to change that aspect of your personality? If you don't, your next relationship is likely to be about as successful.
> 
> I'm still wondering how you put up with this for 4 years, and now, 10 months after the honeymoon, you can't stand for him to touch you.
> 
> ...


I came here looking for advice. Not to be told something I already know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hollow82 (Apr 1, 2014)

jerry123 said:


> Everything you are feeling is normal.
> 
> You just can't grasp why a husband would not want to have sex/passion with his wife.
> 
> ...


I have watched with him & don't actually mind porn. 

I've asked him if he's not attracted to me & he says that's not it at all. 
I just don't know what to do.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

If he is masturbating and watching porn it is not a libido problem. As others have pointed out this is a real issue.

Here is the forum:

Your Brain Rebalanced - Overcoming Pornography Addiction

The other possibility might be that he is not attracted to you or have a fetish that makes it difficult for him to get off? What sort of porn is he watching? He needs to open up to you on what his sexual needs are and you need to be prepared to hear whatever it might and it could be really disturbing. 

If he continues to fetishize, watch porn and masturbate, he will probably eventually lose the ability to have sex (erectile dysfunction) without his porn/fetish appetite. It is not permanent--quitting porn seems to fix this in 3-6 months.


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## hollow82 (Apr 1, 2014)

I am actually not sure what kind he watches. I just assumed it was regular stuff. 
I will try to ask him and see where the convo goes. At this point I just want to know what the problem is. 
Even if it's something that is hard to hear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

hollow82 said:


> I am actually not sure what kind he watches. I just assumed it was regular stuff.
> I will try to ask him and see where the convo goes. At this point I just want to know what the problem is.
> Even if it's something that is hard to hear.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is easy enough to check if you share the same computer at all. If you PM I can walk you through how to do that, but its a bit off topic.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Hollow,

2 kids, and 20 years later, I finally got out of a sexless marriage. Best decision I EVER made!! You're young, you don't have kids, PLEASE don't make the same mistake I made.

Years and years of counseling, empty promises, swearing he will "change" (never happened) and all the trappings and intertwinings that a long marriage brings.

Get out now while you can. You will never have another chance to walk while the stakes are not so high.

You made a mistake. Should have listened to your gut, but you didn't. I had the same "warnings" and married him anyway.

PM me if you like.


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## hollow82 (Apr 1, 2014)

Thank you for that happy as a clam. 
I am sorry you went through that and I just hope I get out before it's been 20 years. That really scares me. 
I just feel like a failure. He says he will work on it and whenever we talk we do it that night but them nothing changes. 
It almost feels like he is just doing it to shut me up until I bring it up again. 
I plan to have another talk with him and not be as nice as I usually am about it. I gave a tendency to avoid really fighting and he is the same. 
But maybe that's what we need. 

Thank you again ....you made me cry to know someone understands
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

hollow82 said:


> I came here looking for advice. Not to be told something I already know.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Those were meant as honest questions, actually. Are you doing something to make sure your people pleaser role doesn't cause you issues in the future? And what has changed in the last 10 months that wasn't there in your previous 4 years?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hollow82 (Apr 1, 2014)

PBear said:


> Those were meant as honest questions, actually. Are you doing something to make sure your people pleaser role doesn't cause you issues in the future? And what has changed in the last 10 months that wasn't there in your previous 4 years?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sorry. I'm a little on edge. I guess I just realized that this isn't something I can deal with for the next 20 or 30 years. 
I think I realized it before but somehow convinced myself that I could just deal with it. 

As far as the people pleaser part of myself....I don't know how to change that but I'm trying. Maybe some counseling (by myself) would do some good. I've been thinking about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

hollow82 said:


> I'm sorry. I'm a little on edge. I guess I just realized that this isn't something I can deal with for the next 20 or 30 years.
> I think I realized it before but somehow convinced myself that I could just deal with it.
> 
> As far as the people pleaser part of myself....I don't know how to change that but I'm trying. Maybe some counseling (by myself) would do some good. I've been thinking about it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It won't get better with time. He has to change for himself. I'm against divorce with the exception of infidelity, but that is just me. You have to do what's right for you. I wish you all the best and I hope everything works out for you.


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

I am with happy as a clam. If you are not happy then 20 years of trying BY YOURSELF wont make it any better for you...

I say this with a heavy heart because I am opposed to divorce, but, a marriage is a partnership and knowing this information for four years before you got married, you should have not married him to begin with.... but your here, so you have to make a choice, either he works with you or you leave. "You cannot change him and he will not change unless he wants to.

I went through a crappy relationship with HIGH highs and LOW lows only to figure out it was him trying to salvage the messes he made in ways that didn't help... I should have left him a LOOOONG time ago but I got pregnant and I was in love and decided to try anyway. 8 years later it bit me in the a$$ and im in the middle of a nasty break up...

Avoid the heartache later, and make that decision for yourself now...and yes work on your people pleaser issue with a therapist. It will only mess you up in any future relationships.


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