# I think he's gone



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

So, my beau came over tonight, and we were going to do dinner and hang out. We ended up doing just dinner. 

Before we left for dinner, I asked him some questions that have been plaguing me for about a week: are you seeing anyone else other than me? His answer was a resounding no, and that he's closed down both his online dating profiles shortly after meeting me. I went on to say that it would explain some things: that he no longer uses his pet names for me, he doesn't take my hand in public anymore, and he recently locked his phone. His explanation was that he's really busy with work, kids and is pretty stressed out. He thought he was being upfront in the past when he said that before. I guess I misread or didn't understand completely. I had also said that if he wanted this to be a more casual thing, then that was okay with me, but that we needed to be upfront with one another about possibly dating others. 

At any rate, we went for dinner, and were having a decent time when I asked him what he wanted to do for the rest of the evening: go out somewhere or kick back and relax. He said that he would be going home after dinner. That pretty much killed my appetite. He had kept a DVD set at my place, and on the looong drive home (10 mins felt like 40), I asked him if he would like to take those home with him. He said that he would. So, now he's gone with his DVDs (except one I found in the blueray player), along with the goodies he had baked me that he brought tonight. 

God, I feel like such a douche. I don't know if I'll ever see him again, and I think I may have destroyed something potentially real and good. Was I stupid for voicing my concerns? Should I have done it differently? I feel awful for him and for myself, and kind of wish I'd have kept my mouth shut.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

It does sound as though he is gone. Might not be such a bad thing though - the questions you asked him were not out of line imo. If that's enough to make him bail, he was never really in it for the long haul honey.

My husband and I met online, I took my profile down fairly quickly, his stayed up for a bit (which was fine). After a few weeks, I had started to develop strong feelings for him, so I simply told him that I couldn't continue to date him if his profile stayed up. It was down 5 minutes later 

It could have gone either way honestly, he may have felt that he wasn't ready to take it down (his right absolutely), in which case I would have walked away, I ain't doing the pick me dance for anyone. Lucky for me, he was starting to feel the same way.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ursula said:


> So, my beau came over tonight, and we were going to do dinner and hang out. We ended up doing just dinner.
> 
> Before we left for dinner, I asked him some questions that have been plaguing me for about a week: are you seeing anyone else other than me? His answer was a resounding no, and that he's closed down both his online dating profiles shortly after meeting me. I went on to say that it would explain some things: that he no longer uses his pet names for me, he doesn't take my hand in public anymore, and he recently locked his phone. His explanation was that he's really busy with work, kids and is pretty stressed out. He thought he was being upfront in the past when he said that before. I guess I misread or didn't understand completely. I had also said that if he wanted this to be a more casual thing, then that was okay with me, but that we needed to be upfront with one another about possibly dating others.
> 
> ...


He took his home baked cookies back? WTF?

What exactly does being busy at work have to do with holding your hand in public, calling you by pet names and locking his phone?

Are you sure that this was a good thing? Sounds like he was not that into you more recently.

You should be able to discuss your concerns in a relationship. If you cannot, the relationship is not a good one.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

If he's gone you're likely better off. He's making your relationship way harder than it needs to be. Do yourself a favor and make sure he stays gone by not communicating with him. You will thank yourself in the long run.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

I don't think you did anything wrong. Seems like he was already pulling away. You had every right to question him and tbh I'm not buying his answer.


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## rv10flyer (Apr 26, 2018)

You have both been through infidelity. He should know what to do to build your trust. Locking his phone is not one of them. Spending time with you should alleviate his stress, especially after dinner back home enjoying those desserts and wine. I’d be on guard with his actions and him not wanting to hold your hand in public. You might be better off with him gone.


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

You didn't do anything wrong. I was reading an old thread here awhile ago that talked about this type of behavior as being like a mythical fragile forest creature - that you have to be very careful about what you say and do around them or they'll scamper off into the woods. That kind of relationship is incredibly hard. You don't want to second guess every word you said, or facial expression, or what you wore or ordered for dinner, thinking it was wrong or bad or scaring him off. That's waking on eggshells and no fun. It sounds like you were just being you, and that's a good thing. His loss!


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

rv10flyer said:


> You have both been through infidelity. He should know what to do to build your trust. Locking his phone is not one of them. Spending time with you should alleviate his stress, especially after dinner back home enjoying those desserts and wine. I’d be on guard with his actions and him not wanting to hold your hand in public. You might be better off with him gone.


Neither of us has been through infidelity. I've never cheated, and my H didn't cheat either, nor did beau and his ex. Just wanted to confirm that!


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Oh, one more thing: he said that his cell has always been locked, and that maybe the time I accessed it, it had a glitch...?? Do iPhones do this? Or cells in general?


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

Ursula what is the deal with your dating life girl? I certainly haven't read all of your threads, but every one I've ever seen was about some trouble with the guy (or guys) leaving you. What gives? I picture you as a cute and sassy city girl in her late 20's, and from your writing personality I would love to date you. If I was single and much younger that is. Anyway, why can't a catch like _you_ keep a man? I always wondered the same thing about Jennifer Aniston.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

azimuth said:


> You didn't do anything wrong. I was reading an old thread here awhile ago that talked about this type of behavior as being like a mythical fragile forest creature - that you have to be very careful about what you say and do around them or they'll scamper off into the woods. That kind of relationship is incredibly hard. You don't want to second guess every word you said, or facial expression, or what you wore or ordered for dinner, thinking it was wrong or bad or scaring him off. That's waking on eggshells and no fun. It sounds like you were just being you, and that's a good thing. His loss!


Thanks, and yes, I was just being myself. Maybe I overthink things once in awhile, but I'm authentic to a tee. When I meet someone for the first time, who they meet is the same person I am the following weeks, months and years. He said that he needs a couple days to mull things over, so we'll see what happens then. If he comes back, I'd like to think he'll be more open with me, and if he doesn't, then it's a learning experience, and I'll find someone great who's meant for me.it just kind of hurts right now.

And @EleGirl, he made me "special" brownies, which I gave him back to take home. Mostly because he brought them in his Tupperware, and I was sad and didn't feel like separating them into one of my containers.


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## tom72 (Nov 4, 2017)

Ursula said:


> Oh, one more thing: he said that his cell has always been locked, and that maybe the time I accessed it, it had a glitch...?? Do iPhones do this? Or cells in general?


Full of ****. iPhones dont have that glitch

Sent from my SM-G965F using Tapatalk


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Maxwedge 413 said:


> Ursula what is the deal with your dating life girl? I certainly haven't read all of your threads, but every one I've ever seen was about some trouble with the guy (or guys) leaving you. What gives? I picture you as a cute and sassy city girl in her late 20's, and from your writing personality I would love to date you. If I was single and much younger that is. Anyway, why can't a catch like _you_ keep a man? I always wondered the same thing about Jennifer Aniston.


LoL, you picture me in my later 20s? Thanks!! I actually turned 40 earlier this year...

Am I cute and sassy? I guess I can be sassy, sometimes. Cute? I don't think so, but have been told otherwise.

Why can't I keep a man? That's a good question. Could be because I'm picky to a point. I also tend to stay too long with the wrong type of man... I just hope I don't overthink things to my detriment, because sometimes I don't know where that line is.

And thank-you for that sentiment, I hope to find my other half someday, but I guess time will tell.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You didn't do anything wrong and you didn't do anything that scared him off.

If anything, you were simply reading the signs that he was getting ready to fly the Koop anyway.

Those were legit questions based on astute observation and now you have your answer.

This was simply a near miss and wasn't meant to be. It was not through any wrong doing on your part at all. 

Scratch him off the list and drive on with your head held high.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

tom72 said:


> Full of ****. iPhones dont have that glitch
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965F using Tapatalk


I didn't think so, but thought I'd put that query out there.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

@Ursula, people who want to spend time with you will spend time with you.

They will notice the things you do for them and not leave you feeling that there are things unsaid.

What is your measure for potentially good?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> @Ursula, people who want to spend time with you will spend time with you.
> 
> They will notice the things you do for them and not leave you feeling that there are things unsaid.
> 
> What is your measure for potentially good?


I agree with you, and was just thinking that this morning. My measure for "potentially good"? Honestly, I'm not sure I can answer that 100%. He was sweet, opened doors, at the start, he knew when things were off or something was wrong, and would try to get me to talk, or would try to make me feel better. He was my first relationship after my separation, so maybe that's making it harder to let go.

In my heart, I'm pretty sure we're not meant to be because we're so different in so many ways. Some of those differences have opened me up though, and I appreciate that. But I do agree that if things are right, I wouldn't question anything.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

tom72 said:


> Full of ****. iPhones dont have that glitch
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965F using Tapatalk


Could be a timer on the lock. Its not odd at all. My phone is set to lock after 5 minutes. Most people have theirs set to lock immediately. Maybe she accessed his phone before the lock set.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Could be a timer on the lock. Its not odd at all. My phone is set to lock after 5 minutes. Most people have theirs set to lock immediately. Maybe she accessed his phone before the lock set.


I could see that. In this case though, I accidentally accessed the phone around 4:30am, after we had both been asleep for hours. So, I don't think that's the case here, unfortunately.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Ursula said:


> I could see that. In this case though, I accidentally accessed the phone around 4:30am, after we had both been asleep for hours. So, I don't think that's the case here, unfortunately.


"Accidentally"


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> "Accidentally"


Yes, very early morning, got up to feed my dogs (because that's their weekday schedule, and unfortunately also their weekend schedule). Anyways, overtired, no glasses, grabbed the wrong phone and swiped into it before I realized it wasn't mine. I put it down right away though, as at that point, I trusted the man with my life.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

"at the start" is a measure of consistency... if there is no consistent kindness and respect, what lessons would differences bring?

Don't rush your opening up... the right one will wait with you patiently.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Sounds like he's gone, but I wouldn't worry too much about it!

I think he was being grossly deceptive, and having been found out, he saw that he would soon be losing out on "having his cake and eating it too!"

Good riddance, in my book!

Please don't give up! You'll find yourself a quality guy who will be as crazy about only you as you are about him!*


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Ursula said:


> Oh, one more thing: he said that his cell has always been locked, and that maybe the time I accessed it, it had a glitch...?? Do iPhones do this? Or cells in general?


Nope. Not in the scenario you described earlier...he's bs'ing you.



Ursula said:


> _He said that he needs a couple days to mull things over_, so we'll see what happens then. If he comes back, I'd like to think he'll be more open with me, and if he doesn't, then it's a learning experience, and I'll find someone great who's meant for me.it just kind of hurts right now.


Sweetheart, text this loser and tell him to take all the time in the world - because you're done with his bs. Please.

You deserve better and I find it incredibly sweet that even though you're hurting, you can still see a positive that this relationship brought you. You're one step closer to finding him - keep that bar high honey, don't settle and don't chase him xx


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Ursula said:


> ,,, I asked him what he wanted to do for the rest of the evening: go out somewhere or kick back and relax. He said that he would be going home after dinner.


It may be hard to answer this, but the thing is, *how* did he say it? 



> Was I stupid for voicing my concerns? Should I have done it differently? I feel awful for him and for myself, and *kind of wish I'd have kept my mouth shut*.


To me, that's the key. It's hard to be with someone where you feel you wish you'd kept your mouth shut; that he's not robust enough to handle what you are feeling at that moment.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

frusdil said:


> Nope. Not in the scenario you described earlier...he's bs'ing you.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Yeah all of this.
And tell him to shove his Tupperware up his anally retentive ass.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Isn't this relationship only a few months old? Sounds like it ran its course and he was realizing it wasn't what he wanted. The why's or how's don't really matter, your senses told something was off and his actions confirmed it. 
Him taking the cookies back was a vindictive thing to do, that was him being mean. I wouldn't bother contacting him again, time to move on.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@frusdil, thank-you, you're sweet for saying that, and I will keep my bar high. Funnily, I was texting with another man I had met on Match during the same time. I took a lot of heat on these boards for people thinking I was stringing him along. Well, we're still buds, still talk and he's seeing a really nice girl these days. He told me the same thing you did, not to lower my standards and to stay true to myself. He said something the other day that really struck a chord: to ride the wave but don't let it pull me under.
@Laurentium, how he said it was something like he thinks that he's just going to go home after dinner. It seemed very matter-of-fact, and unfeeling. I understand that he needs time to process, and I'm actually glad that he didn't want to hurl words at me (this is what my STBXH would've done), but it hurt for him to just walk away and be very closed off. Hell, even the guy who ended up ghosting me months ago gave me a hug the last time we saw each other. With beau, no hug. He used his DVDs and brownies like a shield.
@Andy1001, LoL!
@Cooper, yes, about 4 months old. I guess it did kind of run its course, and I had been having second thoughts on it for a little while. It still sucks though, when someone you're comfortable with is no longer around. I gave the goodies back, but he readily took them, and probably enjoyed them last night!

Thanks guys, it's good to know that I wasn't out of line with my queries. I miss him, feel sick and wish I would've said things a bit differently, but I can't change that now. I wish relationships didn't have to change as they grew. What we had when we first started dating, well, I thought I hit the motherload! Unless that was just the shortest damn honeymoon stage ever. What does it take to make a great relationship work?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Ahhh yes, the infamous iPhone security breach known as the "4:30am lock-screen fail." I heard it was a nasty one until programmers fixed it. 

When you think about it, how much of a relationship could it have really *been* if simply asking him if he's seeing someone else (due to decreased interest in you and the sudden lock on his phone) actually brought about the end of your relationship? If he wanted to stay in it, he would have fielded your questions with no problem, assured you everything was good, then maybe used this opportunity to step up his game a bit to show you things were good. But instead, he cut bait and ran. 

I think he was already backing out and that's what prompted you to call him on it (obviously). Ain't nothing wrong with asking. Except instead of admitting to you that someone else had caught his attention and he was slowly backing away, he instead let YOU believe that your paranoia 'ruined' the supposed good thing you two had.

That was a real ***** move.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Just FYI re the iPhone my hubby has an iPhone for work and we both have Androids. All 3 of them glitch like that all the time. I have his personal phone password and I may or may not have his office phone password so it doesn't really matter.

Phones are glitchy creatures especially the way they interact with certain software.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He might be gone. Or not. Time will tell. But at four months you should still be getting to know him and not trusting him with your life. That's too much too soon. Take things easy.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Ursula said:


> God, I feel like such a douche. I don't know if I'll ever see him again, and I think I may have destroyed something potentially real and good. Was I stupid for voicing my concerns? Should I have done it differently? I feel awful for him and for myself, and kind of wish I'd have kept my mouth shut.


Why? I don't understand? 

Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who reacts that way to being asked questions like that? If you can't talk about concerns, what exactly is the nature of the relationship? I'll tell you what it is not: healthy, mature.

Also, his response was weak and evasive, which equals, to me, dishonest. 

You've dodged a bullet that you seemed to be trying to position yourself in front of, so I guess you're not as relieved as you ought to be.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Ursula said:


> Yes, very early morning, got up to feed my dogs (because that's their weekday schedule, and unfortunately also their weekend schedule). Anyways, overtired, no glasses, grabbed the wrong phone and swiped into it before I realized it wasn't mine. I put it down right away though, as *at that point, I trusted the man with my life*.


Why? Why would you trust your life to a man you barely knew at all? Why would you give your body or heart to someone you do not even know?

It's backward. It is unwise to give each new person you meet/date a full allotment of trust and work back from there. It is wise to start out reserved, with hard, thick boundaries and BUILD from there.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

thefam said:


> Just FYI re the iPhone my hubby has an iPhone for work and we both have Androids. All 3 of them glitch like that all the time. I have his personal phone password and I may or may not have his office phone password so it doesn't really matter.
> 
> Phones are glitchy creatures especially the way they interact with certain software.


Same. Glitches re my lock screen.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I don't know.... he baked you brownies and brought them to you. That's certainly a special thing. Heck, no man has ever done that for me! Doesn't sound to me like he was totally losing interest.

What was your "tone" about the lock screen, holding hands and pet names?


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Sorry to hear about this. It sounds like you're better off finding out now rather than later. I'm sure it hurts now, but it would hurt more later.

As for the phone lock, everyone should have their phone locked. Yes, even people who aren't cheating. There is too much personal information on your phone. If you lost it and someone found it, they would likely have access to your email and whatever you had in your browser. I'm not sure what was up with this specific guy, but it doesn't necessary mean anything bad if someone has their phone locked.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Ursula said:


> Thanks, and yes, I was just being myself. Maybe I overthink things once in awhile, but I'm authentic to a tee. When I meet someone for the first time, who they meet is the same person I am the following weeks, months and years. He said that he needs a couple days to mull things over, so we'll see what happens then. If he comes back, I'd like to think he'll be more open with me, and if he doesn't, then it's a learning experience, and I'll find someone great who's meant for me.it just kind of hurts right now.
> 
> And @EleGirl, he made me "special" brownies, which I gave him back to take home. Mostly because he brought them in his Tupperware, and I was sad and didn't feel like separating them into one of my containers.


Ursula, always judge people on what they do not what they say. His actions show he's not interested so please realize that you'd feel a lot better being the one to cut the cord and end things rather than waiting for him to do it to you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

What made the brownies “special”...

Sounds interesting.

As everyone pointed out, asking a few questions of any kind in a normal way, I.e not angry or irrational, is no reason whatsoever to bail on you. He sounds like a nut.

You gotta start picking guys that are begging for you, and worried if YOU are gonna bail on them(that’s unhealthy btw, to worry if a guy or girl is gonna bail on you, but hopefully you get what I mean). Get to a point of self confidence that you DGAF what they do.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> What made the brownies “special”...
> 
> Sounds interesting.
> 
> ...



what made them special was POT/WEED/GANGA.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

azimuth said:


> You didn't do anything wrong. I was reading an old thread here awhile ago that talked about this type of behavior as being like a mythical fragile forest creature - that you have to be very careful about what you say and do around them or they'll scamper off into the woods. That kind of relationship is incredibly hard. You don't want to second guess every word you said, or facial expression, or what you wore or ordered for dinner, thinking it was wrong or bad or scaring him off. That's waking on eggshells and no fun. It sounds like you were just being you, and that's a good thing. His loss!


This^^^


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Magnesium said:


> Why? Why would you trust your life to a man you barely knew at all? Why would you give your body or heart to someone you do not even know?
> 
> It's backward. It is unwise to give each new person you meet/date a full allotment of trust and work back from there. It is wise to start out reserved, with hard, thick boundaries and BUILD from there.


I guess it's just a figure of speech. I trusted him to a point, and I did and still do trust him to protect me should the need be there.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

AShe’sStillGotIt — yeah, that was a **** move, and yeah, if someone were questioning me about things like that I would be doing what I could to ease their minds, not running.
@arbitrator — thank-you, and God, I hope so!
@thefam — really? I had no idea that phones could do that. I also put a password protection on mine, and it’s been nothing but annoying because I have to punch in a password every time I open it.
@Magnesium — no, I’m probably not as relieved as I should be at the moment. What can I say, I miss the guy, and while we had our differences, I still cared a great deal for him. 
@Livvie — yes, it was a nice thing for him to do. That’s also interesting about your phone experiencing those glitches. Are you asking what my tone in the conversation was? If so, I kept calm and wasn’t accusatory; just asked questions. His tone and demeanour was one of surprise. I definitely caught him off guard with this.
@wilson — I actually now agree with you, and totally wouldn’t have been suspicious had his phone not been locked earlier on. 
@Bananapeel — you’re probably right on that, and yeah, I should probably be the one to cut the cord, if there’s even still a cord there. He alluded that we’ll touch base this week, and will go from there. What I will do is be strong though.
@Evinrude58 — weed. Weed is what made the brownies “special”. And yes, it’s totally unhealthy to constantly wonder if I’m good enough, if he’s happy enough, if/when he’s going to cut and run. What I want is an equal partner, someone who’s as crazy about me as I am about them. Beau and I had that in the beginning, and I don’t know what the hell happened.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He was your rebound. He was clearly making his way towards the exit door, hence you feeling the need to ask the questions that you did. And he gave you his answer. You are better off, now you can find someone more compatible with you. Sorry it turned out this way, but better at 4 months, than at 4 years.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Maxwedge 413 said:


> Ursula what is the deal with your dating life girl? I certainly haven't read all of your threads, but every one I've ever seen was about some trouble with the guy (or guys) leaving you. What gives? I picture you as a cute and sassy city girl in her late 20's, and from your writing personality I would love to date you. If I was single and much younger that is. Anyway, why can't a catch like _you_ keep a man? I always wondered the same thing about Jennifer Aniston.


I don't think there is anything wrong with Ursula. The time to break up with a guy is when one is dating. This guy was not a catch and she was doing the right thing by asking all those important questions. The fact that he left shows that he realized that he wasn't in her league, or wasn't up for what she was offering: an honest relationship.

Ursula, maybe your picker is a little crooked and you're missing some very early red flags that had you seen them earlier, you wouldn't have dated these guys even once.

I'm glad you are posting here and you are honest here about what is going on. I read your post and a few of the responses to my teenage daughters, since what you experienced could have happened to anyone, and they will be dating in the near future. In their unjaded innocence they think you did nothing wrong, and believe that he was hiding something. One of my daughters even said, "If he needed to lock his phone for some reason, he should have given her the password."

I think your guy has another gal, and didn't want to fess up.

You missed a bullet. I'm sorry you are hurting.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

@Ursula I'm very soon to be in your shoes as a separated, soon to follow, divorced person. I'm kind of fascinated with people like yourself who jump right into the dating pool.

My inclination is to invest the next 6-12(?) months in time alone to get my bearings, work on myself and kinda figure out this new life. (21 years married). Honestly I believe a relationship any time soon would be a disaster for me.

Realizing the above is personal and at the moment pure theory, should I consider dating soon? On the other hand would you benefit from taking a dating time out for some Ursula time?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@3Xnocharm — Oh boy, you’re so right, much better for this to happen now at 4 months along rather than 4 years into it. And while the thoughts of starting from scratch in the dating field makes me tired, this time I’ll be smarter and weed out more guys early on, and not schedule so many dates during the weekdays. 
@Araucaria — Thanks for that, and I’m not sure if there’s something wrong with me, but there’s definitely something wrong with my man picker. And, off the start, this one was a really good one. It’s just that things changed, and I probably should’ve tucked and ran a couple months ago. It’s really good to know though you guys don’t think my queries were out of line, and that’s it’s within my right to know the information that I was asking. I’m glad I’m posting here too; you guys are all pretty amazing folks! And, that’s great to share some of this with your teenage daughters; with what they said to you, it sounds like they have level heads on their shoulders.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Idyit said:


> @Ursula I'm very soon to be in your shoes as a separated, soon to follow, divorced person. I'm kind of fascinated with people like yourself who jump right into the dating pool.
> 
> My inclination is to invest the next 6-12(?) months in time alone to get my bearings, work on myself and kinda figure out this new life. (21 years married). Honestly I believe a relationship any time soon would be a disaster for me.
> 
> Realizing the above is personal and at the moment pure theory, should I consider dating soon? On the other hand would you benefit from taking a dating time out for some Ursula time?


Hi @Idyit, I'm really sorry to hear about your upcoming divorce, and I hope that everything goes smoothly for you guys. Being married for 21 years is a long time to be with someone, and I agree that some time to yourself would be beneficial.

Honestly though, I really think it depends on the person, how long the marriage was, and whether or not the person was "checked out" towards the end of said marriage. My story in a nutshell: Married for nearly 4 years, and with the guy for about 5 years in total (we got engaged within 3 months and a wedding followed shortly after that). It was too fast, even though we knew each other for years beforehand. He also wasn't truthful about some pretty major things, and things went south, fast. I had checked out long before we were separated, and felt like a single person for much of my marriage, so jumping into the dating pool within a few months after the separation was something that I felt ready for.

Someone had suggested that beau was a rebound, but I really don't feel that way at all. I was ready to be 100% committed to him, and want to be in an exclusive, healthy, strong relationship. Would taking some time benefit me? Probably, and I will probably do that for the remainder of the summer and into autumn. Really though, I want to share my life with someone.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I think some folks (him) just don't know how to say, I want to slow this down or even stop it/back out. They may be non-confrontational, unsure, commitment phobic, whatever-- hence ghosting. Something happened between 'Hello' and 'Good Night'.

This is early days for you leaving your past. It's easy to second guess/over-analyze. You sound like you were much more invested than he was and, in reaction, he started putting on the brakes. 

I'm sorry you are feeling 'lost' right now. Never a good feeling.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

@Ursula

Thanks for the response. And appreciate the kind sentiment. 

In your case dating makes sense given your circumstances. The last part_ "Really though, I want to share my life with someone."_ I get it and even feel it. But cannot even wrap my brain around it yet. Plan A it is. :grin2:


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The part of you that noticed a couple of months ago he was pulling away was the part to listen to. Things changed and you were right to ask but then it's obviously his choice what to do next. He may or may not be really done. Who knows. 

Always keep in mind that how people seem in the beginning is not necessarily a good indicator of who they actually are. Sometimes it is but very often it isn't. Time helps with that (although you can still get burned regardless).


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@Idyit, there's nothing wrong with Plan A, and I wish you much luck and healing!


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Ursula said:


> Someone had suggested that beau was a rebound, but I really don't feel that way at all. I was ready to be 100% committed to him, and want to be in an exclusive, healthy, strong relationship. Would taking some time benefit me? Probably, and I will probably do that for the remainder of the summer and into autumn. Really though, *I want to share my life with someone*.


You shouldn't ever want to 'share your life with someone' so badly that you settle for anyone who isn't the right someone. In fact, it would probably be much healthier for you if you would consider things from a different perspective: _You don't want to share your life with just anyone. You want to share it with the right one for you._

Don't be in such a hurry to find someone. Take your time and work on finding the right someone. That may mean that you date a lot of people. It may mean you have several short relationships. It may take a while to find the right person. But please don't overlook red flags and ignore your own intuition in favor of just having someone to spend your time with. Better to be alone and happy in yourself than to be with the wrong person.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Rowan said:


> You shouldn't ever want to 'share your life with someone' so badly that you settle for anyone who isn't the right someone. In fact, it would probably be much healthier for you if you would consider things from a different perspective: _*You don't want to share your life with just anyone. You want to share it with the right one for you.*_
> 
> Don't be in such a hurry to find someone. Take your time and work on finding the right someone. That may mean that you date a lot of people. It may mean you have several short relationships. It may take a while to find the right person. But please don't overlook red flags and ignore your own intuition in favor of just having someone to spend your time with. Better to be alone and happy in yourself than to be with the wrong person.


Hey Rowan, that was kind of what I was going for when saying that I'd like to share my life with someone. Just in more general terms. Of course I want to be with the right person, my equal partner. You're right in that it's better to be alone and happy with oneself than with the wrong person. I was married to the wrong person, and was pretty much alone in that marriage.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Ursula said:


> So, my beau came over tonight, and we were going to do dinner and hang out. We ended up doing just dinner.
> 
> Before we left for dinner, I asked him some questions that have been plaguing me for about a week: are you seeing anyone else other than me? His answer was a resounding no, and that he's closed down both his online dating profiles shortly after meeting me. I went on to say that it would explain some things: that he no longer uses his pet names for me, he doesn't take my hand in public anymore, and he recently locked his phone. His explanation was that he's really busy with work, kids and is pretty stressed out. He thought he was being upfront in the past when he said that before. I guess I misread or didn't understand completely. I had also said that if he wanted this to be a more casual thing, then that was okay with me, but that we needed to be upfront with one another about possibly dating others.
> 
> ...


Hold on girl friend... 

YOU were in no way over the top, at all. Further, if he was not dating others, which he lied about, then he would not lock his phone. 

Further, in any relationship, you have the RIGHT to say, "Hey are we good" , an talk about it. 

You did nothing wrong. And screw him is he has a problem with it. You are better off. 

Let me tell you how it is with my GF, whom is a woman I deeply love. She know that I got around for a while, and I have given her my phone on several occasions to look through it. She also has complete access to anything I do on-line. 

New, the first time I gave her my phone their were messages from old exes that were sniffing around, and I explained each and every one that she had an issue with.

Those that have nothing it hide, hide nothing. 

If someone has agreed to an exclusive R then all of those things should be open to them, and why would you not, if it is a serious relationship. 

You need to let this guy blow and find a man that cherishes you and is open about everything.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

How long have y’all been dating?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@Sue4473, it's only been about 4 months.
@BluesPower, thank-you, I needed to hear that. I know in my heart that it's the wrong relationship, but that feeling of rejection hurts so damn bad. I know that someone is in my future, and that someone will hit all of my checkboxes.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Ursula said:


> T He said that he needs a couple days to mull things over, so we'll see what happens then. _If he comes back, I'd like to think he'll be more open with me_, and if he doesn't, then it's a learning experience, and I'll find someone great who's meant for me.it just kind of hurts right now.





Ursula said:


> Why can't I keep a man? That's a good question. Could be because I'm picky to a point. *I also tend to stay too long with the wrong type of man...* I just hope I don't overthink things to my detriment, because sometimes I don't know where that line is.
> 
> And thank-you for that sentiment, I hope to find my other half someday, but I guess time will tell.


 And the bolded is EXACTLY what you are trying to do here. Don't give him a chance to come back. This guy is no prize except maybe a booby prize. Move on. I'd also put very good odds on there being another woman besides you.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

FYI to everyone who said if you aren't dating someone else you don't lock your phone: I have a lock on my phone. And I'm not dating anyone 🙂. My children have locks on their phones, too. It's a smart security/ safely issue. If you ever lose your phone, you want a lock on it so whoever finds it can't get into all of your stuff!


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Hon, the only thing you did wrong was give him back the brownies.:wink2:


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

lucy999 said:


> Hon, the only thing you did wrong was give him back the brownies.:wink2:


Haha, yeah, I was wishing I had a couple of those last night!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Were the DVDs a Seinfeld box-set... to go with the special brownies?
Maybe he just wanted to go home and get high. Any consumed before/during the conversation?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ursula said:


> @Sue4473, it's only been about 4 months.
> 
> @BluesPower, thank-you, I needed to hear that. I know in my heart that it's the wrong relationship, but that feeling of rejection hurts so damn bad. I know that someone is in my future, and that someone will hit all of my checkboxes.


Please don't think of this as rejection. This is the process of finding the right one. Think of it as your fairy godmother looking out for you. 

If you want to be silly about it, listen to Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust" and do the chicken dance. Damn, you really should have kept those brownies!


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

heartsbeating said:


> Were the DVDs a Seinfeld box-set... to go with the special brownies?
> Maybe he just wanted to go home and get high. Any consumed before/during the conversation?


None were consumed before/during the conversation; he had told me previously that he "didn't want the responsibility" of being with me when I tried it for the first time. Which made no sense if he actually cared about me as a person. And no Seinfeld DVDs; he doesn't like Seinfeld (I know, I couldn't believe that either!)


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Ursula said:


> None were consumed before/during the conversation; he had told me previously that he "didn't want the responsibility" of being with me when I tried it for the first time. Which made no sense if he actually cared about me as a person. And no Seinfeld DVDs; he doesn't like Seinfeld (I know, I couldn't believe that either!)


So, he didn't want the "responsibility" of being AROUND you when you tried something that he didn't have any moral compunction about PROVIDING to you...

What a winner that guy.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Ursula said:


> None were consumed before/during the conversation; h*e had told me previously that he "didn't want the responsibility" of being with me when I tried it for the first time*. Which made no sense if he actually cared about me as a person. And no Seinfeld DVDs; he doesn't like Seinfeld (I know, I couldn't believe that either!)


Why did he make them for you, if he didn't even want to enjoy them together?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Is there something wrong with him?










Yes. There are lots of things wrong with him.

Your questions didn't make him leave. But they might have increased the velocity of his egress.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

minimalME said:


> Why did he make them for you, if he didn't even want to enjoy them together?


Guilt offering?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Guilt offering?


Well, the societial expectations of male/female courtship don't exist anymore. Everyone's doing their own thing, and so 'dating' is a mess.

It would all be so much more simple and genuine if people would state their intentions from the beginning, but unfortunately, most of the time, they don't even know what those are.

Ursy, take care of yourself _first_. Do not give strangers the trust, privileges, and rewards of a husband.

I think you'll find that if you require more and give less, it'll weed men out faster - and you'll feel stronger.


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

Ursula I am sorry that you are feeling a little down about this. I do think you dodged a bullet because I never trusted the things he said regarding weed. Your man-picker just became a little more fine tuned


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Ursula said:


> he had told me previously that he "didn't want the responsibility" of being with me when I tried it for the first time. Which made no sense if he actually cared about me as a person.


This is what pisses me off about a lot of guys and I guess some women. His quote does not make any sense, first of all. But it is like saying I don't want you to like me too much (because I am a POS). Or some other thing. 

You know, be a man. Brake it off or say we can be FWB or whatever. But to lay out that crap, what does that even mean? 

Plus, the biggest red flag is that he does not like Seinfeld, that is a big on. I think there is some type of name for the disorder of not liking Seinfeld, like SDS (Seinfeld Derangement Syndrome) or no sense of humor or something like that...


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@Magnesium, that is correct, yes, and @minimalME, he made them because he knew that I was curious. I have no desire to smoke anything, but would've tried an edible.

@MattMatt, I'm not sure if there's something wrong with him, but I just think that we're very different people. Take the brownies for instance. If roles were reversed, and he was the one who had never tried MJ before, and I had loads of previous experience with it, I 100% would've been there the first time he tried it. Like, that would have been unquestionable in my mind. 

You know, the more I type about this, the more it's hammered home just how yucky this relationship was. It's too bad, because the first couple of months were utterly fantastic!

I probably shouldn't have done this, but I brought my old Match profile that I copied down, to work to edit and trim it down a bit. I won't be posting anything up until we're definitely done, because that's not right/fair at all, but there's nothing wrong with editing for future use.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

minimalME said:


> Well, the societial expectations of male/female courtship don't exist anymore. Everyone's doing their own thing, and so 'dating' is a mess.
> 
> It would all be so much more simple and genuine if people would state their intentions from the beginning, but unfortunately, most of the time, they don't even know what those are.
> 
> ...


I couldn't agree more that the world of dating is a total mess. There are very few sincere people out there, but I have to remember though that when I'm online/offline, I'm 100% genuine, and so if I am, there HAS to be a few others. I hope. I agree about stating intentions, and that most of the time, people don't know what those are. They just don't seem to know what they want out of a relationship, or will read cues from the other person, and tell them what they want to hear, unfortunately. I guess that's part in parcel of giving a little less to weed them out faster.




BluesPower said:


> This is what pisses me off about a lot of guys and I guess some women. His quote does not make any sense, first of all. But it is like saying I don't want you to like me too much (because I am a POS). Or some other thing.
> 
> You know, be a man. Brake it off or say we can be FWB or whatever. But to lay out that crap, what does that even mean?
> 
> Plus, the biggest red flag is that he does not like Seinfeld, that is a big on. I think there is some type of name for the disorder of not liking Seinfeld, like SDS (Seinfeld Derangement Syndrome) or no sense of humor or something like that...


Yeah, it's not just the men, I'm sure of that. In chatting with some of the men that I had met online, some of their dating stories were crazy. Beau always kept me at an arm's length, save one day when he took me to his favourite brunch place, gave me a tour of where he grew up, I met his oldest kid, saw his home, took his dogs for a walk, and he showed me his office. It was a fantastic day! But, all of his openness seemed to be crammed into ONE day only. I personally don't think this guy is a POS, I just think he doesn't have a clue what he wants, and wouldn't know a good woman if she was put right in front of him. You asked what his comment means. Nothing. It means nothing, and is pure manipulation. Lol about Seinfeld, but seriously, he's the only person I know who doesn't like it.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

BluesPower said:


> Plus, the biggest red flag is that he does not like Seinfeld, that is a big on. I think there is some type of name for the disorder of not liking Seinfeld, like SDS (Seinfeld Derangement Syndrome) or no sense of humor or something like that...


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## Dawghoused (Mar 24, 2018)

You didn't do anything wrong by discussing your concern and your. If he felt anything bad about that then he could ask you. He went normally, it does not seem that he's gone for forever. I think you should contact him and clear the things.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Ursula said:


> @Magnesium, that is correct, yes, and @minimalME, he made them because he knew that I was curious. I have no desire to smoke anything, but would've tried an edible.
> 
> @MattMatt, I'm not sure if there's something wrong with him, but I just think that we're very different people. Take the brownies for instance. If roles were reversed, and he was the one who had never tried MJ before, and I had loads of previous experience with it, I 100% would've been there the first time he tried it. Like, that would have been unquestionable in my mind.
> 
> ...


Um....are you waiting for HIM to decide that? Are you waiting for something else? 

What's stopping you making that decision this very minute and texting him that it was lovely while it lasted and you're moving on now?

Really....what is stopping you?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Magnesium said:


> Um....are you waiting for HIM to decide that? Are you waiting for something else?
> 
> What's stopping you making that decision this very minute and texting him that it was lovely while it lasted and you're moving on now?
> 
> Really....what is stopping you?


Absolutely nothing is stopping me, except the fact that I don't feel right doing that over text message. I missed giving him one of his DVDs, which is still at home (found it inside the player). We'll be meeting up this week so I can get that back to him. I'll talk to him then. Hey, maybe he'll bring a couple brownies with him... :grin2:


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Ursula said:


> Take the brownies for instance. If roles were reversed, and he was the one who had never tried MJ before, and I had loads of previous experience with it, I 100% would've been there the first time he tried it. Like, that would have been unquestionable in my mind.


If you decide to try MJ in the future, do it with someone you trust and don't do edibles the first time. I've never done edibles, but I've heard that the effect can be more unpredictable compared to other methods. The effect takes longer to hit you, but when it does, the effect can come on stronger. A lot of newbies try edibles, feel nothing, eat more, feel nothing, eat more, *BAM* they feel everything. With more traditional ways like smoking, you feel the effect very quickly and can easily adjust as necessary (so I've heard )


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I'm curious what everyone reading Ursula's post thinks she should do with the DVD that was left in the player. That is a "thread" that links to him. He can contact her in the future to get it.

What is the mature, ,not manipulative, not vengeful, or pathetic thing to do with it?

Personally, I'd text him that it was left in my DVD player, is now in my mailbox for him to pick up at his convenience. I'd even be nice and wrap it in a piece of paper and put it in a baggie to protect it. I'd write his name on the baggie, so he wonders if I have other people coming to get things out of my mailbox. He needs to know he is not special, but that I am just being considerate.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I'm wondering if Ursula is still hoping that something will happen that will resolve the situation? Think she/you are really invested in him.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

If it was me, I'd simply mail the DVD back to him. JMO.


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

Edibles are awesome but you must respect the come up time (about 45 minutes for me) and WAIT for it to hit. If he brings a brownie, eat it, take a hot bath or whatever relaxes you, get your favorite vibe and enjoy yourself. Weed makes everything more sensitive and masturbating on weed is phenomenal.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Araucaria said:


> I'm curious what everyone reading Ursula's post thinks she should do with the DVD that was left in the player. That is a "thread" that links to him. He can contact her in the future to get it.
> 
> What is the mature, ,not manipulative, not vengeful, or pathetic thing to do with it?
> 
> Personally, I'd text him that it was left in my DVD player, is now in my mailbox for him to pick up at his convenience. I'd even be nice and wrap it in a piece of paper and put it in a baggie to protect it. I'd write his name on the baggie, so he wonders if I have other people coming to get things out of my mailbox. He needs to know he is not special, but that I am just being considerate.


I think she should pop it in the post with a note that says "Take care!" and move on.

There's really no need to make the end of this little affair a big deal. He evidently didn't think it was much.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Ursula said:


> We'll be meeting up this week so I can get that back to him. I'll talk to him then.


Keep in mind that you likely won't get any closure from him. I doubt he'll say anything that will give you contentment about how it ended. I would actually suggest not really talking to him at all. Instead, get all dressed up with a bunch of girlfriends, pop over to hand him the disc, and have your girlfriends yelling at you something like "Come on, Ursula! Hurry up! The concert is about to start!" Say something non-committal to him, join your girlfriends and drive off having a great time. Go out to a fancy club and fend off all the new guys trying to win your affection


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

@Ursula from another thread--in order not to t/j...
*Back on solid ground, and I'm over my freak-out and anxiety. Aye carumba

*

Yay, but watch your heart. How'd you work this out? What happened to the brownies?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Ursula, you could also put a pair of men's socks in with the DVD. He'll realize they are not his, and then think that another man had been at your house who left his socks, and you thought they were his!

How is that for mature and not vindictive!! >

Or you can take the high road, which is not always as fun, when the person deserves to realize they were not so special after all.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

She's back with Beau--per another thread...Gross or Not?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

sunsetmist said:


> She's back with Beau--per another thread...Gross or Not?


That thread is from before they broke up.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Sorry, must pay attention to dates. Wow. Lots of ups and downs.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@sunsetmist, my heart is my primary concern right now, and I actually haven't heard from him in a couple of days. He said that he needed time to process, so I'm guessing that's what he's doing now. We'll be getting together soon so I can get that disk back to him, and to chat I guess. At this point, I'm good to let him go even though feelings are still there. I have a feeling that if we stay together, the future would be a very frustrating one. As to the brownies, I'm guessing they're in my beau's belly! And, just to confirm, my thread "Gross of Not" was written well before this particular one. And yes, there have been a lot of ups and downs, especially lately.
@Araucaria, I like the way you think, LoL!


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

Ursula said:


> @sunsetmist, my heart is my primary concern right now, and I actually haven't heard from him in a couple of days. *He said that he needed time to process*, so I'm guessing that's what he's doing now. We'll be getting together soon so I can get that disk back to him, and to chat I guess. At this point, I'm good to let him go even though feelings are still there. I have a feeling that if we stay together, the future would be a very frustrating one. As to the brownies, I'm guessing they're in my beau's belly! And, just to confirm, my thread "Gross of Not" was written well before this particular one. And yes, there have been a lot of ups and downs, especially lately.
> 
> @Araucaria, I like the way you think, LoL!


I think he needs time to see if he can get a bedroom replacement before officially dumping you. My prediction is that he will try to sleep with you when you guys meet and then ghost you. I hope I am very wrong.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Ursula said:


> @sunsetmist, *my heart is my primary concern right now*, and I actually haven't heard from him in a couple of days. He said that he needed time to process, so I'm guessing that's what he's doing now. *We'll be getting together soon so I can get that disk back to him, and to chat I guess. At this point, I'm good to let him go even though feelings are still there*. I have a feeling that if we stay together, the future would be a very frustrating one. As to the brownies, I'm guessing they're in *my beau's *belly! And, just to confirm, my thread "Gross of Not" was written well before this particular one. And yes, there have been a lot of ups and downs, especially lately.
> 
> @Araucaria, I like the way you think, LoL!


So much of what you've written is illuminating ... and disturbing.

You write like someone with low self-esteem, a lack of self-respect, and a mean case of desperation ... and that's what user/abuser/loser types glom onto and exploit.

Your heart? I don't understand this. You've been dating a guy for a few months. All you have experienced is sentimentality and lust. Your heart is not involved in this folly and the sooner you differentiate between romantic sentiment and love, the better. Love comes after a very very long time of mutual selflessness and living lives with and for each other. 

You are just dying to see him in hopes that he will pick you so you won't have to sit with and move through the pain of what you seem to perceive as rejection. I view that as evidence that you see things as about you and not in a healthy way. You seem to logically understand that this guy and this "relationship" is a bad deal, but your pathological need to be validated and assured by someone who is not worthy to do so is directing you to make dump choices. I strongly suspect this is nothing new and more likely a pervasive pattern of behavior and choices that always ends poorly. 

You're referring to him as yours. I mean, hahah, come on lady. Do you just love having people tell you what you already know while you sit behind your screen laughing at us all because you know you're not going to do it? Is it that you really just love getting responses to the drama? Is it validating?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@PigglyWiggly, I really don't think he'll try to get me in bed, as he wouldn't even touch me the last time we saw each other. If this is the case, he'll be shot down.

Oh my goodness, @Magnesium, I'm so sorry that you took my last post in such a wrong light, and I'm sorry to have offended you so badly, that certainly wasn't my intention, and I'm not sitting back and laughing at anyone, yourself included. I'm sorry that you think of me as that kind of person, when I'm not at all like that.

I don't even know where to start, and I suppose it doesn't matter because you think of me a certain way, and nothing that I say will change that. 

No, I don't have the best self-esteem, never have; it's something that'll be a work in progress, but I'm not desperate for a man. Do I want one? Yes, the right one, not someone who abuses in any form. My heart was involved, in fact. I think it's silly to think that hearts won't be involved in a relationship until such a long time down the road of living lives with and for another person. That makes me think that people have to be together for many, many years before being able to love one another. Did I love him? No. Did I have feelings for him? Yes, and I still do. Those don't go away with the flip of a lightswitch; at least, I can't turn mine on and off. Maybe it's easier for men to do this. I'm not doing the pick-me dance, although from the lines you chose to highlight in my post, I can see why you think that. I'm good! I had a bit of time yesterday when I missed hearing from him at the usual times, but other than that, I actually didn't miss him at all, and still don't today. That's telling to me. I'm not sure why you think I need to be validated/assured by him. Is it because I want to get his property (disk) back to him? If so, that's not my property; it's his, and it rightfully belongs to him. Why the hell do I want a disk to a movie that I don't particularly like? Yes, I still refer to him as my "beau", currently, because we haven't had that breakup chat yet. When I hand him the disk, I'll be thanking him for his time and wishing him well, and then walking away.

I'm sorry, I'm really confused by the drama you refer to? People choose to reply or not; if you have something to add to a conversation, by all means, do so; if you don't, then leave it be. You've given fantastic advice thus far, all of which I've agreed with; except for this post. It's like you turned into another person here, and I don't get it. I'm sorry for whatever I did to set you off. I however, have nothing more to prove to you; I know myself, I ask for advice when I'm unsure of a situation or in a situation I haven't been in before, which is what I did here, and now know what I need to do.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

^^ very classy reply, Ursula.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Ursula said:


> @PigglyWiggly, I really don't think he'll try to get me in bed, as he wouldn't even touch me the last time we saw each other. If this is the case, he'll be shot down.
> 
> Oh my goodness, @Magnesium, I'm so sorry that you took my last post in such a wrong light, and I'm sorry to have offended you so badly, that certainly wasn't my intention, and I'm not sitting back and laughing at anyone, yourself included. I'm sorry that you think of me as that kind of person, when I'm not at all like that.
> 
> ...


I think sometimes my text comes off as way harsher than intended. I am not in the least bit offended or personally put out by anything you write or have posted about. I am confounded sometimes by the lack of introspection some people have and I tend to want to root that out and lay it plain so people can see how they're contradicting themselves. I don't do a great job of it, clearly. 

See, yes, I do believe that true, real love is something that is very different from what people seem to call love. You barely even know this person...who he really is....and you're willing to call the sentiment that you feel love. That's ludicrous to me. It is a romantic emotion that you feel and love is truly selfless, enduring, sacrificial, encouraging, sustaining and overcoming. A look around here on any given day and I see very little love and whole pile of people conflating romantic sentiment for love. Too many relationships are about each party seeking to have their own needs met, not an agreement with the partner to go through life together, each sacrificing their own wants and needs in order to prioritize the partner's wants and needs. It takes a long time to get to that sort of love, but it only takes a real understanding of what that love is in order to make a wise choice and commitment to the right person. I don't believe it is any easier for men than women to do this. I don't believe it is a gender issue. It is a spirit issue. By the way, I am a woman (late 40s, twice divorced - I've been married to man and to a woman). 

If you just wanted to get him his disk back, there are many ways to do so that would send the message to him and to yourself that you're not needy or desperate for his attention. You can decide that you're broken up and take steps to convey that to him without seeing him and chatting about it. You're playing games (with yourself) and your methodology belies your intentions. You clearly have some need to see him in order to do end this little affair and I don't get it, but it's your life.

As far as drama is concerned, perhaps that is an emotionally loaded word? It seems that each of your dating situations are dramatic and it seems some folks tend to thrive on that sort of stuff. Maybe I interpret it wrong (text again and lack of body language and other subliminal communications).

ETA: I'm really sorry for coming off so antagonistically. I will work harder to type with more sensitivity. My apologies, Ursula.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@Magnesium, yup all of what you just wrote makes complete sense, and it sounded much less angry than your previous post! I guess I interpreted that one wrong, but you sounded quite put off by the things I had said.

I'm not sure where I've contradicted myself in this particular thread. Yes, if you go back to some of my other threads, you will see posts there that will contradict the posts here, but those are separate threads dealing with separate issues.

Not once do I recall saying that I loved this man. There were times when I felt a rush of emotion when with him, but we've been together 4 months; that's what I would call lust, not love. I do however have feelings for him, and for us as a couple. I care about him, how he's doing, and I cared about our relationship, hence trying to communicate more with him. I know though, that true love takes time, and that there's not much of it around.

I 100% agree that there are ways I could get that disk back to him to get a point across, but I'm just not that kind of person. I don't want to mail it to him; what I want is to see him face-to-face and hear what he has to say. Last time we talked, I totally ambushed/shocked him, and I would like to hear his response to my words. I know that he's going to "reject" me (breakup), and I'm okay with that. I think he thinks that he'll be dealing with a sobbing hot mess of a woman, but that's not the case at all, and I plan on shocking him with my cool, carefree demeanour. I don't need closure; I'm just more curious about the tales he'll spin. Maybe I'm playing a game with myself, but I'm also kind of playing one with him now too. Makes me feel a little devious!

And yeah, for some reason, I seem to attract relationships where there ends up being a ton of drama. I have no idea why, but I'm tired of it. The first while of this one was fantastic and drama free. I guess it comes as I get to know a person, and issues come up, and then I don't tuck and run in due time.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Ursula said:


> @Magnesium, yup all of what you just wrote makes complete sense, and it sounded much less angry than your previous post! I guess I interpreted that one wrong, but you sounded quite put off by the things I had said.
> 
> I'm not sure where I've contradicted myself in this particular thread. Yes, if you go back to some of my other threads, you will see posts there that will contradict the posts here, but those are separate threads dealing with separate issues.
> 
> ...


Yeah, rereading my earlier post through another filter and after having digested your response, I could totally see how angry that could sound. I am sorry! I think I am colder these days than I like to think I am. Please know that I really just want for you (and a few others here I have taken an interest in) to avoid some of the crap I found myself in in my past. It took too many years doing the wrong thing with the wrong intentions and hoping for what turned out to be the wrong result to finally understand where I was going wrong. Hah.

I hope your meeting goes off as you plan and you leave him feeling stupid and bewildered. I'm rooting for you.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@;


Magnesium said:


> Yeah, rereading my earlier post through another filter and after having digested your response, I could totally see how angry that could sound. I am sorry! I think I am colder these days than I like to think I am. Please know that I really just want for you (and a few others here I have taken an interest in) to avoid some of the crap I found myself in in my past. It took too many years doing the wrong thing with the wrong intentions and hoping for what turned out to be the wrong result to finally understand where I was going wrong. Hah.
> 
> I hope your meeting goes off as you plan and you leave him feeling stupid and bewildered. I'm rooting for you.


No worries at all, and thanks for the advice and well-wishes! And yes, I know I need to change my ways when it comes to dating, because doing the same thing over and over again doesn't yield different results. I just need to figure out how to be a harder/stronger/more discerning person while still staying true to myself. Not sure how to do that yet.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Magnesium said:


> So much of what you've written is illuminating ... and disturbing.
> 
> You write like someone with low self-esteem, a lack of self-respect, and a mean case of desperation ... and that's what user/abuser/loser types glom onto and exploit.
> 
> ...


Ursula has class...I don't. I think your post is one of the most insensitive mean spirited and judgemental posts I have ever read on here. Based on solely the contents of the post you wrote it in a manner to take Ursula to task. But...after reading it, I think it says more about your character or lack thereof then it does hers.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

ReformedHubby said:


> Ursula has class...I don't. I think your post is one of the most insensitive mean spirited and judgemental posts I have ever read on here. Based on solely the contents of the post you wrote it in a manner to take Ursula to task. But...after reading it, I think it says more about your character or lack thereof then it does hers.


It's all good, ReformedHubby, @Magnesium replied, apologized, and confirmed what she had meant, and all is well. I didn't take offense to her post at all but was more appalled that I had offended someone so much (actually, she didn't take offense either). We're all entitled to our opinions, no matter what they are! 

ETA: But, thank-you for your sentiments and for standing up for me; that's not something that happens often IRL, so it always surprises me when it does!


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Everyone is different. I, for one, have a tendency to need closure of one kind or another depending on the situation. Since I wasn't there, I can't reflect on what happened or why in Ursula's life. I do like her style and openness.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

sunsetmist said:


> Everyone is different. *I, for one, have a tendency to need closure of one kind or another depending on the situation*. Since I wasn't there, I can't reflect on what happened or why in Ursula's life. I do like her style and openness.


 @sunsetmist, I don't know your history/story, but if you're currently dating (and you _need_ closure) the strongest position to be in is that of self-soothing and providing your own end. 

People disappear right and left. It's cowardly, yet painfully common.

If you have the expectation that it's someone else's responsibility to provide you with a respectful, satisfying finish, you're more than likely going to be disappointed.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

@ minimalME Thanks for your advice--will think strongly about this and what it means for me.

Don't think of it as someone else's responsibility exactly. Maybe I'm too much of a detail person and I'm older and times have changed. 

Again, sorry for t/j, Ursula.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

sunsetmist said:


> @ minimalME Thanks for your advice--will think strongly about this and what it means for me.
> 
> Don't think of it as someone else's responsibility exactly. Maybe I'm too much of a detail person and I'm older and times have changed.
> 
> Again, sorry for t/j, Ursula.


No worries, it's all relevant, really. I'm like you in that I'm a detail person who prefers closure, but knows that it often doesn't happen. Dating is so weird these days; it was so much easier years ago.

I got a text message early this morning about getting together later today. This works for my schedule, but I haven't messaged back yet. Lately, I've spent _a lot_ of time waiting on him, sweating and wondering; this time, he can wait awhile and sweat it out.


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

Ursula said:


> No worries, it's all relevant, really. I'm like you in that I'm a detail person who prefers closure, but knows that it often doesn't happen. Dating is so weird these days; it was so much easier years ago.
> 
> I got a text message early this morning about getting together later today. This works for my schedule, but I haven't messaged back yet. Lately, I've spent _a lot_ of time waiting on him, sweating and wondering; this time, he can wait awhile and sweat it out.


You have such a sweet disposition. 

Waiting on him is a red flag among the others you've seen. Keep looking and you WILL find a guy right for you. Horny men who won't make you a priority are easy to find so this guy is no real loss even though I am sure you are hurting some.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Ursula ..... You have been brave enough to put yourself back in the game. Keep going..don't give up. You've got class...you didn't take my stupid advice to ghost that other guy some time back. You've 
got the right stuff. Your gonna find the right one.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Gotta stop investing too much, too soon.

Gotta stop tolerating behavior that seems odd. If you sense something off, ask in a reasonable tone what’s up. I’d weird crap keeps happening and you don’t really find the answer logical, look elsewhere. The truth is that everyone is replaceable. You have the right to keep searching. The guys are pretty much in an endless supply. Don’t settle on one. Get the one that freaking rocks your workd and continuously makes you happy.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@PigglyWiggly @Mr.Married @Evinrude58, thanks guys! Definitely not settling here, and my hope is still high that there's someone fantastic out there. I have a stud finder at home; too bad it found studs other than the ones in my walls… :grin2:


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Ursula said:


> sunsetmist said:
> 
> 
> > @ minimalME Thanks for your advice--will think strongly about this and what it means for me.
> ...


So the very last paragraph is a relationship buster in my opinion. What is the point of playing games? You waited on him so to get even you're going to make him wait on you? The prize at the end is what? A couple people pissed at each other? The lesson learned will be .....lets drag things out and keep making each other unhappy. Nobody wins.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Cooper said:


> So the very last paragraph is a relationship buster in my opinion. What is the point of playing games? You waited on him so to get even you're going to make him wait on you? The prize at the end is what? A couple people pissed at each other? The lesson learned will be .....lets drag things out and keep making each other unhappy. Nobody wins.


I'm sure Ursula can speak for herself. 

She has been given lots of advice too. 

My thinking is no one wants the other to think they are too eager or something similar--especially at a time when they are feeling each other out. Wow. Dating is sooo much more difficult these days.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Ursula, I love your posting style, your dating threads and your openness, don't ever change! Some of us are at home all day and it's nice to have other adults to interact with, even if it's only online.

I am 43, so we are of a similiar age. 

Do you have kids? 

Well things seemed a bit funny with this guy in the other thread. So not too surprised by this turn of events. 

You are a wonderful beautiful human being. There is nothing wrong with you. 

Take your time and be choosy. 

Give this guy his DVD and a pat on the back, then a kick in the pants and send him on his way.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Ursula said:


> I got a text message early this morning about getting together later today. This works for my schedule, but I haven't messaged back yet. Lately, I've spent _a lot_ of time waiting on him, sweating and wondering; this time, he can wait awhile and sweat it out.


While I completely understand your feeling this way, and have even felt it myself in the past, don't do this honey. Don't play games - you're better than that.

What I would do is reply with something like "Your ambivalence at our last date and since, has resulted in me feeling unsure about our relationship. I don't want to continue it. I wish you well".

And then move on. You are so much better than a desperate, man chasing game player honey. Your man is out there...he's looking for you...go out there and let him find you x


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Did y’all end up meeting?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Thanks @Inloveforeverwithhubby, I'm glad you like my posts and style! I definitely won't change, but for dating IRL, I think I'll try holding back a bit, and not being quite so open off the bat. If someone is in an exclusive relationship with me, I still think it's fair to let them know what I came from, but I'd expect that same openness too, and that seems to be a tall order, unfortunately. I don't have kids, no, not human ones anyways. I may take some flack for this, but I kind of consider my 2 dogs to be my furry "kids". I'd love a family, but at this point, that probably won't happen. I would still be happy being a stepmom though, or adopting. Do you have kids?
@frusdil, thank-you; I know he's out there, just not sure where!
@Sue4473, we did end up meeting up, yes… He actually stopped by my home last night to pick up the DVD. He stayed for about 15 minutes to talk and scratch my dogs (who are smitten with him; unfortunate because my male is *extremely* hard to win over, especially with men). It was a mutual decision to not date anymore, but both of us are still open to being friends. We still have lots in common, and he's still the best damn jogging partner I've found. We won't be hanging out much I'm sure, but I do look forward to seeing him again. Despite our differences, I did genuinely enjoy my time with him; he's a good guy, for someone else, but he can still be a good friend for me. He said that he's taking a break from dating for the time being because he finds it stressful (not just with me, but with others that he's dated before me, too). Dating has changed a lot in the last 20 years, and I miss the way that it was.

I however will be getting back in the saddle again. Not because I'm desperate for a man in my life, but because I have a fantastic life that I'd really like to share with someone. I don't want to live life alone, and would like someone to share memories and moments with. I signed up for Bumble, and boy, is it confusing.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

@Ursula
You got this girl. Sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs before you get that Prince. I just now found my Prince, go figure I had to look around a few hind ends of some cows and turkey’s....I actually am moving in with him this weekend and marriage is in our future. We have been in a committed relationship for almost 3 years. 

If I can find it at 55 you sure can in your early 40’s. Get out there, have fun, the right one will find you. Best wishes to you.
Tam




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

I’m glad y’all talked and got it all out. I will say this- i think it’s great if you stay friends! You never know what the future may bring.... Timing and other factors have a way of thwarting some things you really want to happen.
Take time for yourself, and smile at the good times, and good fun in your time together with him!

Take care,
Sue~


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Ursula said:


> Thanks @Inloveforeverwithhubby, I'm glad you like my posts and style! I definitely won't change, but for dating IRL, I think I'll try holding back a bit, and not being quite so open off the bat. If someone is in an exclusive relationship with me, I still think it's fair to let them know what I came from, but I'd expect that same openness too, and that seems to be a tall order, unfortunately. I don't have kids, no, not human ones anyways. I may take some flack for this, but I kind of consider my 2 dogs to be my furry "kids". I'd love a family, but at this point, that probably won't happen. I would still be happy being a stepmom though, or adopting. Do you have kids?


It is hard to put yourself out there and then get trampled on. 

No flack for your furbabies! Alot of people have furbabies/furkids!  

I have 6 kids. Our eldest dd passed away unexpectedly in Jan 2018. We are heart broken. I started young. Had her 2 weeks after my 18th birthday. 3 dd's, 3 sons. Ages 25, almost 24, just turned 20, 18, 14 and almost 6.  

Well a step mom could work out, or adopting. I have an online friend her and her hubby adopted 5 kids.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Ursula said:


> he doesn't like Seinfeld (I know, I couldn't believe that either!)


Dealbreaker!!! As we like to say around these parts, you dodged a bullet.:grin2:


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

For me, it would be too difficult to remain "friends." It would hold me back in my ability to move forward.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

lucy999 said:


> Ursula said:
> 
> 
> > he doesn't like Seinfeld (I know, I couldn't believe that either!)
> ...


Perfect. Ursula can tell him "it's not you it's me" lol


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Ursula said:


> @PigglyWiggly @Mr.Married @Evinrude58, thanks guys! Definitely not settling here, and my hope is still high that there's someone fantastic out there. *I have a stud finder at home*; too bad it found studs other than the ones in my walls… :grin2:


I took the batteries out of mine. For some reason the thing kept going off??? >


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Inloveforeverwithhubby said:


> It is hard to put yourself out there and then get trampled on.
> 
> No flack for your furbabies! Alot of people have furbabies/furkids!
> 
> ...


Oh my God, I'm so sorry to hear about your oldest daughter. My God, I couldn't even imagine. My heart goes out to you guys.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Stick with bumble....you'll get used to it pretty quick and hopefully have great luck with it! I loved it, best of all the apps.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

So, dude must've been lonely or something on Friday evening, because he started texting a lot like he did when we were first dating. And, I was the dumb-dumb who went along with it because I was missing him. He brought up a ton of memories, and then the tears started again. In the last day or so, he's said a couple things that make me go "hmmm"

1. that there were times when my reaction to thinks he said/did gave him the impression that I may try to change him or ask him to give up something that is a part of him (I think he meant pot smoking). I've always said that I would never try to change him, that he is who he is. 

2. when we parted ways, he stated the reason as dating being too stressful these days. Today, he recanted that and said that his stressors are: work, teenagers and a dying dog, and that dating wasn't stressful. For the record, I knew about all of the above, and tried my best to be there for him though it.

What in the world gives? How much pot does a person have to smoke in their teenage years to totally mess up brain function? I don't even think he realizes what all he hinted at that I would have to give up if we had had a future together. Huge chunks of who I am. Now, I'm mad.
@Betrayedone, I'm beginning to agree, this friend thing might be really difficult. @Marc878, Ohhh boy, LoL!


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Ursula said:


> So, dude must've been lonely or something on Friday evening, because he started texting a lot like he did when we were first dating. And, I was the dumb-dumb who went along with it because I was missing him. He brought up a ton of memories, and then the tears started again. In the last day or so, he's said a couple things that make me go "hmmm"
> 
> 1. that there were times when my reaction to thinks he said/did gave him the impression that I may try to change him or ask him to give up something that is a part of him (I think he meant pot smoking). I've always said that I would never try to change him, that he is who he is.
> 
> ...


You know I have tried to follow this as best I can. 

But I just wanted to put this out for you to think about. If you don't feel good about someone, or get the Goosebumps that you want, or what ever, good grief, just move on. 

I can tell you this, when it is right, you will feel it. It will just be right, so take it slow and enjoy life.

And don't waste time on anyone that does not make your toes curl, and the is not just a sexual reference...


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Ursula said:


> ... I was the dumb-dumb who went along with it because I was missing him. He brought up a ton of memories, and then the tears started again. In the last day or so, he's said a couple things that make me go "hmmm"
> 
> 1. that there were times when *my reaction to thinks he said/did gave him the impression that I may try to change him *or ask him to give up something that is a part of him (I think he meant pot smoking). I've always said that I would never try to change him, that he is who he is.
> 
> ...


^^This^^ is a guy who has issues/baggage. He's not taking responsibility for being a jerk. Sorry, but I feel you are wasting your emotional time - and tears - on a guy who doesn't pass muster. Impressions are just that - impressions. They are not based on solid fact. 

So NOW he is telling you that dating isn't stressful. A week ago it was. 

How much pot is too much? Apparently this is an example of too much.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Cut him loose for good. If he can't use his words like an adult from the get go, there will always be communication issues if you decide to embark on a relationship with him. Hes not terrible, he just doesn't sound like someone of your emotional caliber. Keep it moving.


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

Ursula said:


> So, dude must've been lonely or something on Friday evening, because he started texting a lot like he did when we were first dating. And, I was the dumb-dumb who went along with it because I was missing him. He brought up a ton of memories, and then the tears started again. In the last day or so, he's said a couple things that make me go "hmmm"
> 
> 1. that there were times when my reaction to thinks he said/did gave him the impression that I may try to change him or ask him to give up something that is a part of him (I think he meant pot smoking). I've always said that I would never try to change him, that he is who he is.
> 
> ...


You guys are incompatible and you are trying to shoehorn him into your life to fill a void, in my opinion. I believe you'd end up wasting valuable years trying to salvage a relationship that only worked in the beginning because of new relationship energy. I am really pulling for you.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Does the guy drink as well as smoke pot? His meloncoholy thinking and reaching out sound more like the actions of a drunk than a pot head. What a conflicted life he lives. He gets drunk and starts missing you so sets up a date then smokes some weed and starts getting paranoid and stresses out thinking "dude, this dating ****s a hassel, **** it"


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ursula, get rid of this guy. For an older male he sure is not as grounded and mature as one would hope. You have alot to offer and should not be going for guys who toy with you and string you along. I know we women tend to go for 'bad boys' and then think we can 'change' them. But that is what you do in your 20s not your 40s. Let him go. I don't think you should really be his friend either, he will be stringing you along like now, one minute hot the next minute cold. Dump him for good.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You can't be friends with him because you still care too much. No contact is the only way to move on.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Former bad boys are alot funner. They don't have a stick up their ass and are pretty non judge-mental. They have already been there, done that, got the scars to prove it, and are wiser for it. They are ready for a mature, honest, serious relationship and know the right woman when they see it.

Hang in there sweetie, the right man will come along.

HUGS


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

P.S. Sounds like he was drunk and horny. 

He needs to stay gone.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Ursula said:


> So, dude must've been lonely or something on Friday evening, because he started texting a lot like he did when we were first dating. And, I was the dumb-dumb who went along with it because I was missing him.


 @Ursula, permission to speak freely. I think on an intellectual level, you understand that this guy just is not good for you, is not a good match, and is not compatible with who you are as a person. But on an emotional level you still want to be attached...maybe not to who HE is as a person, but to someone. He may be a fine person and all, but he's not fine FOR YOU...and your head knows that...yet some part of you wants to be connected, so when he texts, you go along with it even though you know in your head he is not the match for you. You WANT it. 

So please don't get me wrong--I'm a fine one to talk, dating the finest man here on TAM shortly after my Dear Hubby died--but there has to be a point at which you wisely choose to be happy on your own, with yourself, by yourself and you don't "need" or "want" anyone else. Once you get into that headspace, then you will be happy and at some point some person might come along who is also quite fine with themselves and want to share their life with you. Until you get into that headspace, one or the other of you will be wanting to fill the whole left by no connection. 



> 1. that there were times when my reaction to thinks he said/did gave him the impression that I may try to change him or ask him to give up something that is a part of him (I think he meant pot smoking). I've always said that I would never try to change him, that he is who he is.


Well...I have a gigantic problem with this. As a girlfriend I don't want to change "who he is" but darn straight I do expect some changes to be made on both of our parts so we can include each other in our individual lives! For example, I might have to give up my love of Sanskrit calligraphy because the group meetup is on the only night we can see each other. Or he might have to give up one night of dungeons on Wow (or include me as healer--lol). The idea is that you stay individuated but willingly make some changes to accommodate another human being. What if you asked him to be more neat? Does that define "who he is"? How about waking up earlier or later? See what I mean, as part of a team of 2, the fact is that some changes are made and some things are sacrificed for the good of the relationship. Thus, the fact he would rather break up means that he wants the benefits of a relationship without the costs of a relationship. NOPE!!



> 2. when we parted ways, he stated the reason as dating being too stressful these days. Today, he recanted that and said that his stressors are: work, teenagers and a dying dog, and that dating wasn't stressful. For the record, I knew about all of the above, and tried my best to be there for him though it.


Well good for him. He should be able to date now since it's not stressful. He can learn to be independent now. 



> What in the world gives? How much pot does a person have to smoke in their teenage years to totally mess up brain function? I don't even think he realizes what all he hinted at that I would have to give up if we had had a future together. Huge chunks of who I am. Now, I'm mad.


He may realize. He just expected YOU to give up to have a future and expected to not have to give up any himself.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> See what I mean, as part of a team of 2, the fact is that some changes are made and some things are sacrificed for the good of the relationship. Thus, *the fact he would rather break up means that he wants the benefits of a relationship without the costs of a relationship.* NOPE!!


Unfortunately, this sums up modern dating perfectly. And Ursula's situation isn't an aberrant example. This is the new norm.

The majority of women embrace their sexual freedom and encourage and celebrate promiscuous behavior, and now that's all they're getting. 

Men are simply responding to what women require.


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