# How do you know it is time to give up?



## justhighlyconfused (Aug 5, 2009)

I want to know how are you supposed to know when you have tried long enough?

When you have picked out the apartment complex that you will live at when you leave?
When you cheat on him and dont feel bad about it?
When you fight about what he watches on t.v. just to fight?
When you find that you cant have an intelligent conversation with him anymore?

But when you think of living without him you cant think straight and start crying. And the all the good times come back to you, but you never think of them until you think about leavin?


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## target (Aug 5, 2009)

Are u my wife? j/k ... my feelin is i am in the same boot all though not with the cheating.. my feelings is if there is no ties... for example children... RUN.. why stay... my children are my biggest issue..


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## Questioning (Aug 5, 2009)

justhighlyconfused said:


> I want to know how are you supposed to know when you have tried long enough?
> 
> When you have picked out the apartment complex that you will live at when you leave?
> When you cheat on him and dont feel bad about it?
> ...


Have you actually done these things? If you have cheated on him and don't feel bad, and pick fights for the sake of fighting? This isn't something you do to someone you love. Perhaps you are with him for the wrong reasons.
If this is the case it's time for you to move on.


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## superconfused (Mar 11, 2009)

This is exactly how I feel! And I hate it. I've been married for almost seven years and have two kids. My husband and I have been through a lot. I was 18 when we got married and he was 20. We lived together for about 3 months. One day I came home from school and found an empty apt. With only my clothes inthe closet. I moved in with my parents and got back with him after 3 months. Then after another 3 months he left again. The day he left I found out I was pregnant. I told him immediatly but that didn't change his mind. We got back together when my daughter was 3 months. We've been together since then and up to two weeks ago. The firs two years that we were together where really depressing. We never did things together and we argued a lot. Things did get better but for some reason I was still not happy. Then about eight months ago I stared to feel like you do. I try picking fights all the time. Everything he did bothered me and I also felt like I couldn't have a conversation with him. I also didn't want to be intimate with him just the thoughtwould make me sick. So finally two weeks ago I decided to leave. He told me that he still loves me and wanted to be with me. He also said that he was going to change but I still decided to leave. Now I miss him so much but I'm still not sure if I love him and Im still not attracted to him. He thinks that I feel this way because of everything that we've been thru. I'm really confused but I do know that I felt the same exat way you do and that's why I left.


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## Flutterby (Aug 6, 2009)

I have to say that if you are doing those things then you are ready to give up. But have you shared how you feel about things with your spouse?


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## jonas27 (Jul 27, 2009)

Oh my goodness this post hit a chord with me. I feel the same. I do the EXACT same things. I actually felt like I couldn't breathe though when I thought I really seriously might leave. I think to myself, what if I regret this, but what about all the good things he does, am I just being selfish. I feel your pain on this one. How does a person get past that? People tell me just to have no regrets..... well easier said than done


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## dontwanttobeme (Feb 24, 2009)

Wow! I feel exactly the same way. I have been told over and over on this board that I need to get myself out of my marriage for myself and my son, but I still get so scared!

I, too, don't know the last time I actually had a complete conversation with my H. I will begin my story and about every 2 sentences he will interrupt with 'I forgot to ask, did you do xyz'. I don't even want to SPEAK to him and I still find myself scared of leaving.

Do you think that if he made all of the changes youmight wish for that you would 'want' to be in the marriage? I don't know if I could answer 'yes' to that question...but I think that says a lot. 

I heard a self help guy say the other day that EVERYTHING in our lives is based on the rule of pain vs. Pleasure. We all will settle for the scenario that gives us the least amount of pain. And for me, the dull pain I've been living YEARS with, is better than my 'imaginary' pain of life as a single parent. So here I sit...almost ready to jump.


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## Flutterby (Aug 6, 2009)

May I???

When I left my first husband, I was scared. I was 25, my parents were both deceased, and I felt I had no where to go. But living with my husband was killing me. I was emotionally drained, he never came home anymore and I decided this was not how I wanted to live my life. I had a dog and 2 cats.. and didn't know where to turn. I didn't make a ton of money and couldn't afford to stay in the house.... but I knew I couldn't keep living in pain like I was. (I won't go into all the details of why I left, but it wasn't physical abuse or anything). I was scared to be alone.

I was able to stay with my aunt and uncle in a spare room (well, they made a spare room just for me). I moved out... And I cried and cried and cried in that spare room for weeks... but the whole time i was meeting with a lawyer, finding a better paying job, etc. 

I became strong and I felt free... I soon got an apartment and enjoyed being on my own, even though I was lonely - I was able to find things to do, and people to spend time with.

You may think that being alone, living by yourself, etc. is painful, but you CAN make it - and you WILL find happiness if you are in pain now. You will. WHO THE HELL ever said that men complete us and give us a purpose in life? No one. 

I am giving you all this advice while I struggle to come to the same decision with husband number 2. I am very unhappily married (for the second time) and separated and struggling to know it I am ready to walk away - and I know I need to take my own advice, because I know that eventually I will be better off emotionally. But it IS hard. I hope that I can take my own advice and get over the fear of the pain of loneliness. I'm sure I will get there - especially with the help of this forum.

Divorce is never easy... but neither is living this way...


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Flutterby, you are the exact reason I am staying in my marriage. I read your post with interest as I too am/have contemplated divorce. However, I cannot see the merit in fleeing a burning ship only to be trapped in the middle of a vast, cold, and turbulent ocean. Yes, I might be miraculously "picked up" by another vessel and go on to live a happy and fufilled life. However, as in your situation, I more likely will find myself treading water, legs numb, wishing for the vanishing warmth of my burning ship. Instead I feel compelled to stay on board and continue to fight the "marital fires" that are erupting aound me. If I go down with the proverbial ship than so be it, at least it will be a "hero's death", and my children will have seen a proper model on how they should fight for their marriage. Who ever said life was easy or fair, and anything worth having seldom comes easy. I agree with your statement that another person doesn't complete you, only God can do that. I hope you can find him. I hope my wife can find him as well. God bless "shipmate", now go and fight for your marriage.


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## ann1234 (Aug 11, 2009)

That is a very good question and one I have been asking myself for years! I have been married for 11 years, with my husband for eighteen. We have two beautiful children together but we just cannot get along.
Over the past 11 years we have tried numerous counselors, even through the church and a weekend marriage retreat. It may get better for awhile but it ALWAYS goes back to the fighting, hurt feelings, anger, resentment, etc., etc.
After this many years of trying and still being frustrated, unhappy, feel like I am just banging my head against a wall I don't care anymore but why can I not bring myself to say good bye. The million dollar question! What is the definition of insanity - "To keep doing the same thing over and over again but expect a different result" !!!!!
Wow hope that doesn't mean I am insane!


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## d346 (Aug 4, 2009)

jonas27 said:


> I think to myself, what if I regret this, but what about all the good things he does, am I just being selfish. I feel your pain on this one. How does a person get past that? People tell me just to have no regrets..... well easier said than done


Couldn't have said it better myself. The what-if's are all about my 5yo son though.


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## ifonly (Aug 21, 2009)

I think that is the ultimate question. Especially when there is no 
"blatant" reason for moving on or getting divoraced. I know the whole "banging your head against the wall". I thought this so many times. I find its the most frustrating when I know this relationship will ultimately come to an end. I can only feel unhappy and dissatisfied for so long before its up to me to make a change. Then in the midst of the "this is it" frame of mind then somewhere along the line I start to soften and worry about making the biggest mistake of my life. I don't worry a bit about living on my own and most of the time I relish the thought of it. But, I always come back to will I realize in 3 years that I should have just tried this much harder, or I somehow could have or should have done something different. I guess I worry about having regrets and I don't like how that could feel. It would almost be easier if some major issue existed that I could hold onto. But its the thousand little hurts over the years that make it feel this way. 
I've even filled out a rental agreement, have an appt with a lawyer in 2 days but still in the back of my mind wonder, what if I'm doing this wrong. Then I think about trying to recommitt and all that goes with that and that sounds worse. My H is being Mr.Wonderful right now, this has happened before, I get sucked back in and I'm right back where I started. I was going to leave in January but during counseling I agreed to wait a month. Things got better and I found a sense of hope, we started living our lives again and now 6 months later, I'm right back where I was. I'm tired of the constant ups and downs and frankly indecision on my part. Maybe its the sense of finality that gets me. NOT living on my own at all, I'm not so sure I don't think about things too much, too methodical, too conservative etc. I guess it comes down to FEAR, fear of making a mistake. 
Then the flip side, is it a mistake to waste another 5 years "banging my head against a wall". Geez, what a basket case.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I have been pondering the same question for a few years. Every fight brings me one step closer to the inevitable reality that I am better off divorced. I want to stop trying and stop caring, but it just knots me up inside too much. For me, there is never a good time.


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