# Advice needed- husband lying.



## emma83

Really needing some advice.
Been with OH for 12yrs, married 7, no kids and both own businesses- really great up until a year ago.
Found out before xmas he racked up £2k debt on porn lines, then discovered a few weeks later it was chatlines, speaking to other women.
Then he started lying to me and going out all the time with his friends. 
I decided to track him on his phone and he was out with friends at said locations, but he would lie that he was at the bar when infact he was at his friends house.
He went to a festival, told me he was there but came back a day early and partied at his friends but told me he was still at the festival.
His group of friends drink hard and take drugs and I don't drink at all or take drugs. 
Yesterday i was on his iPad innocently checking which iOS was the uptodate one and I discovered he has been on porn sites searching for "granny", i was horrified as I'm 33/him 41, out sex life is pretty non existent anyway so this was a shock to me. 
When i asked him about it he just said he was intrigued which I don't for one minute believe. 
I just feel it's one thing after another, I'm thinking is it a mid life crisis? 
Thoughts...? 



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## MJJEAN

You know all you need to know in order to file for a divorce. So, file for divorce. Why stay in a sexless marriage with a man who lies, is most likely cheating, and probably doing whatever drugs with his friends? Just get out and move on.


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## emma83

MJJEAN said:


> You know all you need to know in order to file for a divorce. So, file for divorce. Why stay in a sexless marriage with a man who lies, is most likely cheating, and probably doing whatever drugs with his friends? Just get out and move on.




Firm advice, however I genuinely don't think he is cheating. 
I think it easy to say divorce especially when you have had 11 happy years together, or maybe I'm just to soft....


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## Cooper

The only way you can stop his lying is to be very diligent about calling him out on his BS. If you know he isn't where he claims, go confront him! If he cries about you keeping tabs on him too bad, when you lie you give up the benefit of the doubt, there needs to be full exposure. If he can get away with lying it will continue, and he will most definitely become trickier to catch once you start confronting him. 

Personally I don't see how a straight person could stand to be married to a drug and alcohol abuser, each to your own I guess.

PS...granny porn? Now I'm curious but I'm afraid to look! lol


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## Mr. Nail

So 11 happy sexless years . . . . .
ahem.


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## EleGirl

You need to watch what he is doing for a while without confronting him. When you find things, like his online activity, take screen shots, or otherwise get copies of what you find and save those.

If you confront him every time you find something, it will not stop him from doing these things, instead it will get him to be more careful and hide it better.

If I were you I would also put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car. Hidden up under the front seat, secured with adhesive backed Velcro. He most likely talks to the people he is going to go meet up with while in the car. So you will be able to hear what is going on. 

Most men who are not having much sex with their wives are getting it elsewhere.


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## emma83

Mr. Nail said:


> So 11 happy sexless years . . . . .
> 
> ahem.




I didn't say 11yrs sexless! It's prob been more like 2yrs.


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## Mr. Nail

Whatever you are happy in that condition. 
not even a world I can comprehend.


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## emma83

Mr. Nail said:


> Whatever you are happy in that condition.
> 
> not even a world I can comprehend.




If your not going to offer up any decent advice then don't bother replying. 
I asked for advice not sweeping comments! 


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## MrsAldi

I definitely recommend that you get him to a sex therapist. It would really benefit your marriage, it has helped mine, sure it's not easy talking to a stranger but is there any better ideas? 

He's either got a porn addiction or he's afraid or ashamed of expressing his desires to you. 

Do you ever discuss your sexual fantasies together? 
When was the last time you had some decent intimacy together? 


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## emma83

MrsAldi said:


> I definitely recommend that you get him to a sex therapist. It would really benefit your marriage, it has helped mine, sure it's not easy talking to a stranger but is there any better ideas?
> 
> He's either got a porn addiction or he's afraid or ashamed of expressing his desires to you.
> 
> Do you ever discuss your sexual fantasies together?
> When was the last time you had some decent intimacy together?
> 
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk




Hi lovely, glad you have posted as you helped last time.
Never really discussed fantasies as i think we're pretty straight on that, obv mentioned it before- he likes me dressing up which i do.
Funnily enough last night we were active, I sent him a text in the day along the lines of "sexy time", tonight, he approached me when he came home but we ended up having a sleep- then at bedtime we both initated it- last time we were intimate before then was 8th May. On average it's usually once every 2-3 months if lucky. 
We go away together etc but it's the stupid lying that has placed a mistrust in me and i feel very insecure because of this. X


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## Mr. Nail

OK, you are right I'm not giving you a useful answer, and there is a chance that I might not be able to. So far I have figured out that about 2 years ago there was a sharp decrease in sexual activity in your marriage. That has progressed to the point that it is now pretty much nonexistent. About 17 months after the decline in sexual activity you discovered that he spent a lot of money on porn. Porn that has content that horrofys you. You lost trust and started to track him and have caught him in several lies. You directly asked whether we thought this might be a mid life Crisis. 
Please feel free to make any corrections to my understanding, because I'm not at all sure I'm getting this right.
First to answer your question 41 is a bit early for a mid life crisis but not excessively. A mid life crisis is usually trying to regain youth, or missed opportunities. Sometimes it is born out of a desire to make his life mean something. Do you see any signs of this? Is he buying or shopping for Motor cycles or boats? Sports cars? I will give you the partying late with friends and going to festivals, those look like trying to capture youth. But porn and no cheating makes me think less of the idea of a midlife crisis and more of a coping mechanism.
I have some other questions that would hep me and the others trying to advise you.
Are you sexless by mutual consent or would one of you prefer a different level of sexuality? and Who is dissatisfied? I apologize for trying to bait you into answering that before.
Do you just want more evidence , or do you want to change his behavior? in short what outcome are you hoping for?
Do you know of any history of addictive behavior in him? Alcohol? Drugs? Gambling?
That's a good start.


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## AtMyEnd

emma83 said:


> Really needing some advice.
> Been with OH for 12yrs, married 7, no kids and both own businesses- really great up until a year ago.
> Found out before xmas he racked up £2k debt on porn lines, then discovered a few weeks later it was chatlines, speaking to other women.
> Then he started lying to me and going out all the time with his friends.
> I decided to track him on his phone and he was out with friends at said locations, but he would lie that he was at the bar when infact he was at his friends house.
> He went to a festival, told me he was there but came back a day early and partied at his friends but told me he was still at the festival.
> His group of friends drink hard and take drugs and I don't drink at all or take drugs.
> Yesterday i was on his iPad innocently checking which iOS was the uptodate one and I discovered he has been on porn sites searching for "granny", i was horrified as I'm 33/him 41, out sex life is pretty non existent anyway so this was a shock to me.
> When i asked him about it he just said he was intrigued which I don't for one minute believe.
> I just feel it's one thing after another, I'm thinking is it a mid life crisis?
> Thoughts...?
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


I caught my wife doing similar things. She'd tell me she was going to a friends to have dinner and watch a movie, even tell me a whole story about the night when she got home, but then I found out she was actually out at a restaurant with that same friend. It didn't make sense to me, if she's not doing anything wrong and is with who she said she was with, why lie? When I asked her about it and told her I knew she told me it was just easier to tell me she was at her house and that if I told her they were going out I'd get suspicious of what she was doing. It didn't make sense then and it still doesn't make sense. She's done similar things a few times now and I've called her out on all of them. With all of them when I looked into them I found out that she wasn't doing anything wrong but couldn't figure out why she would lie about them.


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## MrsAldi

emma83 said:


> Never really discussed fantasies as i think we're pretty straight on that, obv mentioned it before- he likes me dressing up which i do.


Well he's calling those sex lines, so maybe he likes a bit of dirty talk? You could start off by doing via text with him first and then once you are comfortable enough over the phone? See it as another form of flirting, better he do it with you than those phone lines. 



> Funnily enough last night we were active, I sent him a text in the day along the lines of "sexy time", tonight, he approached me when he came home but we ended up having a sleep- then at bedtime we both initated it- last time we were intimate before then was 8th May. On average it's usually once every 2-3 months if lucky.


This is good news! Maybe set up a schedule for a while? Try to get it to once a week or which number you feel comfortable with. 
You can schedule for on your days off, if you are off the same time. You can build up the flirt with the texting etc. Add excitement and anticipation by buying costumes and stuff together. 




> We go away together etc but it's the stupid lying that has placed a mistrust in me and i feel very insecure because of this.


If you feel like he's definitely not cheating, then maybe work on communication better, he might not like confrontation so you might have to be calm to get to the truth of things. 




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## Hope1964

You might want to work on things and stay together, but does he? What are you willing to sacrifice here? If he's no longer invested in the marriage you're wasting your time. Somehow you need to find out where his head is at.

Call it a 'mid life crisis', call it whatever you want, that really doesn't matter. The fact is, what he's doing is unacceptable to you. You are his wife, and if your needs don't outweigh everyone else's on the planet, there's a problem.

Gather evidence for a while and see where that takes you. Don't confront him any more for now. Observe. Take notes. Once you have enough - I think you'll know when that happens - THEN confront him and lay it on the line. Tell him what has to change and what will happen if it doesn't. Firm consequences - and follow through on them.


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## emma83

Mr. Nail said:


> OK, you are right I'm not giving you a useful answer, and there is a chance that I might not be able to. So far I have figured out that about 2 years ago there was a sharp decrease in sexual activity in your marriage. That has progressed to the point that it is now pretty much nonexistent. About 17 months after the decline in sexual activity you discovered that he spent a lot of money on porn. Porn that has content that horrofys you. You lost trust and started to track him and have caught him in several lies. You directly asked whether we thought this might be a mid life Crisis.
> 
> Please feel free to make any corrections to my understanding, because I'm not at all sure I'm getting this right.
> 
> First to answer your question 41 is a bit early for a mid life crisis but not excessively. A mid life crisis is usually trying to regain youth, or missed opportunities. Sometimes it is born out of a desire to make his life mean something. Do you see any signs of this? Is he buying or shopping for Motor cycles or boats? Sports cars? I will give you the partying late with friends and going to festivals, those look like trying to capture youth. But porn and no cheating makes me think less of the idea of a midlife crisis and more of a coping mechanism.
> 
> I have some other questions that would hep me and the others trying to advise you.
> 
> Are you sexless by mutual consent or would one of you prefer a different level of sexuality? and Who is dissatisfied? I apologize for trying to bait you into answering that before.
> 
> Do you just want more evidence , or do you want to change his behavior? in short what outcome are you hoping for?
> 
> Do you know of any history of addictive behavior in him? Alcohol? Drugs? Gambling?
> 
> That's a good start.




Thanks Mr N.
Ok so he spent the money on chat lines, he says it's was normal chat as he was bored and now and again sex chat 
The friends he is knocking around with are 10yrs younger and are in a band and what he sees as the cool crowd, he is into producing music so he fits in to a point, however I do believe that they lead him on as per say, however he makes his own choices. 
Sexless is more so only so often, no Ines choice really, however I approach the subject more than him- he knows that I feel he isn't attracted to me which he denies, yet I think the proof is in the pudding. 
The outcome I want is just that he stop lying, respect me and what we have built, however I have a lot of mistrust in him and I dislike having that feeling as it puts me on edge. 
This last 6 months has just been a massive shock when you think you know someone. 


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## Edmund

"I'm 33/him 41, out sex life is pretty non existent"

This does not compute.


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## emma83

MrsAldi said:


> Well he's calling those sex lines, so maybe he likes a bit of dirty talk? You could start off by doing via text with him first and then once you are comfortable enough over the phone? See it as another form of flirting, better he do it with you than those phone lines.
> 
> 
> 
> This is good news! Maybe set up a schedule for a while? Try to get it to once a week or which number you feel comfortable with.
> You can schedule for on your days off, if you are off the same time. You can build up the flirt with the texting etc. Add excitement and anticipation by buying costumes and stuff together.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> If you feel like he's definitely not cheating, then maybe work on communication better, he might not like confrontation so you might have to be calm to get to the truth of things.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk




I don't think he wants the chat from me, I think he enjoyed the fact it was a stranger. 
I feel like all i do is communicate how I feel, it's getting to the point where I do think he is taking advantage of my good nature, and not just emotionally, financially for example- if I left him he would be ruined however he knows this and won't stop with the lies- he says it's because of my reaction but I call BS as I've never once stopped him from going out etc, it's just when he is out and in that environment I'm not given a thought and that is what pisses me off. 


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## emma83

Edmund said:


> "I'm 33/him 41, out sex life is pretty non existent"
> 
> 
> 
> This does not compute.




Care to elaborate on what you mean?


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## Hope1964

In case you missed it



Hope1964 said:


> You might want to work on things and stay together, but does he? What are you willing to sacrifice here? If he's no longer invested in the marriage you're wasting your time. Somehow you need to find out where his head is at.
> 
> Call it a 'mid life crisis', call it whatever you want, that really doesn't matter. The fact is, what he's doing is unacceptable to you. You are his wife, and if your needs don't outweigh everyone else's on the planet, there's a problem.
> 
> Gather evidence for a while and see where that takes you. Don't confront him any more for now. Observe. Take notes. Once you have enough - I think you'll know when that happens - THEN confront him and lay it on the line. Tell him what has to change and what will happen if it doesn't. Firm consequences - and follow through on them.


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## Mr. Nail

Well, there are just so many women out there who feel unattractive that it is easy to jump to that assumption. You are obviously more attracted to him than he is to you. Or you are definitely more interested in Sex than he is. It could be one as easily as the other. One thing I do find interesting is that he seems to have reactive desire. In other words when the right stimulus, or a strong enough stimulus comes along he is able to rise to the occasion. A few examples to illustrate. He is using porn, and his porn is getting extreme. That means that he is requiring more and more stimulus to get off that way. On the other hand when you called him and announced "sexy time" he responded quite well. From those I would guess that he prefers you to the porn. 
If I am right about the reactive desire, then waiting for him to initiate (even if he is the man) is not going to work. You will need to make your needs known more often. I know with your insecurities you are reluctant to take that role. But you are the more interested partner, and he is reactive so it is the efficient way around the sexual frequency.
I also want to mention that he is insecure. ED and failures in bed, have him guessing if he can perform for you. That anxiety and stress are more likely to increase his problem. Communication and a back up plan are some tools you could use to help him.
Now because you have asked specifically for what you want to return to the marriage, I'll address that even though it is not going to be easy. What you want is Trust. You want to be able to trust him. You want him to trust you. I'm going to repeat some of my most offered advice. They are simple but true short statements about trust. Then we can talk about practical ways to apply them.

Trust is the stuff that relationships are made up of. Without trust there can not be a relationship.
Trust is built one promise at a time. like the bricks in a wall Trust is made up of promises made and kept.
The hardest lies to stop believing are the ones you tell yourself. You can convince yourself of anything, if you just keep lying in your own head. There is no one but you to tell you that it isn't true.

So applications. First accept that your relationship has been seriously damaged by the loss of trust. Believe that you will have to start over with building trust. Only when you clearly visualize the goal can you achieve it.
Promises. You have to make promises, but harder than that you have to accept promises, and you have to ask for promises. Without promises, you can't rebuild trust. So when he goes out and he promises to call or be home at a specific time. Accept that promise and when he keeps that promise then you acknowledge it verbally to him. Something like It makes me feel more love when you came home when you said you would. Simple statement of your feelings. Now you probably got a bit of a shock when I said you would have to make promises. the thing he has expressed that he wants from you is that you don't get crazy when he tells you something that upsets you. If you promise him that you will not, then when he says, I'm Leaven the festival early so I can hang out with the band, you have to be calm and say something like, Thanks for letting me know where you will be, I feel more secure when you do that. You can also ask him to put some time for you into his revised plan. Ask, not demand or even expect. The difference is important.
The reason I'm asking you to acknowledge each promise kept is not to reward him, it is to help you remember that he is doing what he said. 
It is the store of proof that you will need for the next step. When I was feeling very insecure in my relationship, I had to learn how to stop lying to myself. Here are some of the lies I convinced myself of. She is not attracted to me any more. She would be happier with someone else. She doesn't think I am important. Asking for sex from her is like rape, or coercion. I'm too Short, fat, or impotent to be attractive. First I had to start asking myself "is that really true?" Then I had to start believing what she was telling, and proving to me. So your first, and possibly biggest challenge is for you to honestly ask your self, "Is it Really true that I don't even know him?"

That is a lot to think about. More than you can handle all at once likely. So give it some time and read it a few times. Best of fortune with this challenging situation. -MN


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## 3Xnocharm

emma83 said:


> Firm advice, however I genuinely don't think he is cheating.
> I think it easy to say divorce especially when you have had 11 happy years together, or maybe I'm just to soft....
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


Everything you have described that he does IS cheating, stop kidding yourself.


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## sdrawkcab

Emma-

I'm not really in the camp of gathering more "evidence"...

The fact is...his behavior/actions are offensive to you and your marriage....
Communicating with him in vague generalities has not really produced any changes in behavior...

It really does come down to the simple (not easy mind you, just simple)...You need more commitment/care/changes from your husband or the marriage is no longer viable and needs to end... IT is truly the ultimate boundary....

...you can try a stair step approach to boundaries, but from what I read, he will only do the bare minimum to keep you where he wants you...

You can't change him...but you can enforce how you want to be treated and what kind of marriage you want.


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## jb02157

At this point you'll have to make a decision whether is worth it to stay together with him. If somehow you can fix the lying, porn use, no sex, drug taking and being with the nasty group of friend he has, then try to stay with him. You will have to have a very serious talk with him about his lying, no sex life between you and his porn use and drug taking with his friends. Make sure that you stress that things things have to be addressed or else you're gone. 

That seems like an awful long list to successfully address it will take a lot of work on your part but you have to make sure that he's willing to do his share and change the ways he's behaving if he wants you to stay.


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## zookeeper

I have no tolerance for liars, which he has already proven to be. Are you willing to live that kind of life? Always wondering?

If you got a bowl of soup at a restaurant that had a turd in it, would you keep eating it until you could identify the particulars?


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## Edmund

emma83 said:


> Care to elaborate on what you mean?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro




I'm sorry, I just meant that at those ages, a couples sex life should be at a peak, not non-existent. I am mid 60s, and still have a sex life with wife.



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## Magnesium

What kinds of drugs is he taking with his friends? 

I don't know why he would actually have to have intercourse with someone else for you to consider it cheating - what he HAS done is disrespectful, dishonest, and cheating you both out of a healthy marriage. 

I don't understand the willingness to tolerate this.


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## aine

emma83 said:


> If your not going to offer up any decent advice then don't bother replying.
> I asked for advice not sweeping comments!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


Why was the marriage sexless, your choice or his?

If it was not his, then maybe he is looking elsewhere for some release, it happens. I think the key to this discovery is lack of sex for two years. Is he addicted to porn?


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## aine

zookeeper said:


> I have no tolerance for liars, which he has already proven to be. Are you willing to live that kind of life? Always wondering?
> 
> If you got a bowl of soup at a restaurant that had a turd in it, would you keep eating it until you could identify the particulars?


ZK, don't know whether to laugh or grimace

I'll do both!

:grin2:


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