# Exposed to the elements VS Shielding



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

This is an on/off topic, I'm just curious about other's opinions.

When it comes to children do you believe in shielding them from negative influences (such as sex, drugs, pop culture, racialism, religious fundamentalism, etc etc), or do you believe in exposing them to it and attempt to guide them through the 'elements' so to speak.

So far, still agreeing to disagree, I understand the importance of some exposure, but I do not underestimate the strength of society's negative pressures when it comes to my firstborn. The missus however, believes in obvious boundaries and protecting our daughter, but does not agree in shielding her from reality, and has faith that both of us can guide her correctly.

How about you guys? Have you ever had these discussions? How would you advise?


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

I'm for not shielding, and here is why. They are only under your protective shielding for a very limited amount of time compared to their life span. Who is going to continue shielding them? No one. They are going to leave for college and get smacked in the face with drugs, sex, alcohol, etc. etc....and they aren't going to know how to handle it. They won't know how to process things, because mom and dad never gave them the opportunity to. They kept the 'bad' parts of life hidden. They won't know how to cope with real life. 

That seems worse than explaining things like sex, racism, etc. to them and give them your views on it and lead them to make good decisions based on your families beliefs and values. Hiding it also just makes it more interesting....they are going to seek out what is so 'special' about sex, drugs, etc. that makes mom and dad cover it up. Its just part of being a curious child. The more you hide it the more curious they will become.

My mother and aunt asked their mom later on in life after they had gotten married about why she had never had a sex talk with them. She said, I thought if you didn't know what it was, you wouldn't do it. My mom said...then explain to me how I have 2 children....


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Aye exposure is important but I still don't understand this "into the fire" stuff. If you had a choice between a better or worse environment to raise your children in you would choose the better one yes? Not stay and say "she'll come face to face with it eventually" yes?


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

RandomDude..I just want to pat you on the back for your concern regarding your daughter. You appear to be a very conscientious father.
I believe in a middle ground somewhere. You obviously don't want to expose a 4yo to sex (not in my world, anyway). There are parental controls for a reason. And I would venture to say that you use "parental controls" in every day life, in every day situations. 
You don't want to neglect the fact that children are going to be exposed to things you don't want them to...and that's where the relationship WITH your child is going to come in to play. If she feels that she can go talk to daddy about something she's seen, or heard, or been exposed to..and daddy is going to walk her through that leaving her secure on the back side of it. 
I live where I do for a multitude of reasons...I live in a very rural area, a town of less than 1,000. One major reason we chose to live here is the fact that in spite of it being such a small town, it has an excellent school system. But there are no metal detectors, the school isn't on lockdown, etc...like so many have to be these days. I'm not dumb enough to think that kids here don't get into drugs, don't abuse alcohol on the weekends, and sex IS happening. It's just on a much smaller scale. And I rest better knowing that if there is ONE person that walks into that school that shouldn't be there, they will immediately be spotted and it will be KNOWN they don't "belong". Every single teacher, administrator, even the lunch ladies know WHO my kid is, WHO is parents are, and WHERE he lives. That is comforting to me. 
My mindset always was that there's a difference between shielding and sheltering...shielding is just that..a shield AGAINST what is out there, sheltering is preventing them from knowing it ever exists. I'm trying to give my child the shield. He's going to go out into the real world some day, and has to learn to deal with ALL the issues that will arise.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thanks for the reply, that's exactly how I feel.

The reality of sex, drugs, alcohol, racialism, is very real nowadays at least where we are staying, it's considered 'normal' to lose your virginity during high school, like 12... (I'm actually conflicted about the compulsory 'sex education' they have here in Australia, it lets people know what's what at 12 but it also gives them ideas.)

Access to drugs is also very easy (mostly pot, though heroin and meph problem too... with the occasional pills), I also remember dealing in high schools during my teens, another state however - still the same sh-t. Drugs are easier to get then booze even. Racialism is also very strong in my area as well, well, through-out Australia anyways (77%), as for racism itself... in N.S.W., ~25% are Anti-Aboriginal, same percentage for Anti-Asian, Anti-Jewish... and ~50% Anti-Muslim - all statistics match personal observations, no surprises... cept for the Anti-Jewish.

There are quite a lot of areas much better then where we are currently staying at least, but the missus is as always... stubborn. She knows the reality as well, but she reckons I worry too much (which I do sometimes sure), and that I should have "faith". 

Realistically however, to listen to two parents or to listen to ALL her friends telling her to try sex and drugs, and/or to hate herself and us because none of our bloods are Anglo. That's the environment we're in. The least we can do is eliminate the "ALL" part and make it "some" like you mentioned Major, right? =/


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Both. You have to shield them when they are too young to understand things such as drugs and sex, but as they get older and are capable of understanding, then you must acknowledge that these things exist, and discuss them with the child. I don't believe in shielding them until they're 18, because then they have nothing to work with in the real world and that leads to an out of control adult that is essentially incapable of taking care of themselves. 

And Random, trust me, the sex ed isn't giving them ideas. At 12, they've already begun thinking about it and coming up with their own ideas. Better they get sex ed that corrects their misguided ideas than to begin testing them out on their own.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> There are quite a lot of areas much better then where we are currently staying at least, but the missus is as always... stubborn. She knows the reality as well, but she reckons I worry too much (which I do sometimes sure), and that I should have "faith".


Putting Faith over Reality may come back to haunt.

Given the environment you just described, I can surely see your concern & almost need to SHELTER more so than some of us who live in these smaller towns with less crime, drugs, racism & teen pregnancies going on. 

Even MORE dilegently will you & the misses have to take the time, the attention to engrain good morals, values and ESPECIALLY encourage Friendships that will help help them rather than self-destruct them. At our house, we need to meet the parents 1st, get a feel of their lifestyle & envornment before we allow our children to play at anothers house. As my children have gotten older, I have trusted THEIR judgement on these things, as they tend to be very "open' and forthcoming about their friends & their lives. 

It is very important to me that my kids feel Free & at ease to come to me & their dad about EVERYTHING and ANYTHING, literally nothing is too taboo of a subject or off the table in discussion at our house. I sometimes make my kids sit down, watch a news program, or something dealing with the aftermath of teens messing up their futures with drugs, alcohol, carelss sex, dangerous driving, just to "expose" them, and I'll talk to my younger ones about Child Molesters who may use candy & puppies to allure at a bus stop, or anywhere, not to talk to strangers unless a familar adult is present. 

Also many talks on ways to avoid getting hurt physically. (we watch "1000 ways to die" on Tv, some interesting You tube videos here!) Dad is a good one at that, over dramatyzing an outcome with vivid details. One thing to tell our boys, never have the temptation to pee on an electric Fence! 

We openly talk about anything that 'can" happen in life. Always giving the WHYS behind why we feel the way we do, even explaning the why behind some of the foolish things kids do - in hopes they get the full picture & take care to avoid thees same mistakes in their own lives. Someday they will leave this nest, our teaching will be done, no longer under our watch. 

Even in our area, Great school district, not rampant with the kinds of issues you describe in your Austrailian area at all, and still half of the parents in our church Home School their children, they are worried of this "worldly" influence, so they BLOCK IT, putting up a bubble around their children. Many of these kids are forbiddden to hang with anyone outside of this bubble. 

I think this is going way too far. Even my oldest son who is very involved with the Church, sings & leads worship even, disagrees. He is more interested in helping the messed up kids in school who are into drugs, sex, angry & lost, who cut themselves, always tried to show these people he cared, than just hanging with the Flock where it is safe & we are sheltered from "bad" things. All the Home schooling angers him. It helps that He has always been one who was not influenced by any peer pressure, very strong minded. He purposely choose a secular college for these reasons. If your child is not, and easily influenced though, could be more danger in allowing them too much freedom. 

But yes, I want my kids to be exposed & learn how to handle themselves WISELY and fully informed in the face of some of the more difficult things in this life. My oldest 3, so far, so good, they have chosen good friends on their own & I forsee them not falling into many of the sad statistics of our time.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I guess I define the two words differently. To me "shield" is to give them an armor against the world. To shelter is an almost umbrella-like defense in keeping the world OUT. Those are simply my definitions. I want my child to have that shield..those are the tools they're going to need when they're faced with peer pressure. 
And I agree...at 12, they're already thinking about sex. They've been inundated with images, etc. for so long it's impossible for them to not wonder, at least. 
The reality is that no matter how hard you try, you won't be able to keep the world out. She will eventually get out there and be exposed to other people's lifestyles and opinions. I think given where you live and some of the issues you've posted about, that my biggest worry would be what someone else would make her feel about herself, more than worrying about whether she will hate you and your wife or not b/c she's of a certain race. I understand those are very valid worries for you, though. If you can raise her to believe that she is THE most special person in the world, and her self esteem is through the roof...it's going to go a long way to keep her able to stand strong and resist what others are going to throw her way. 
Here..meth is a problem. The county I live in used to have the dubious distinction of being called the "meth capital" of the US. It's now a scourge for most states in the midwest, and in poorer areas.l Most of the teenagers drink alcohol on the weekends, b/c it's more readily available. It's like they don't get into meth until they're out of school. There are exceptions, of course...but generally, it's later. 
My 10yo son is different than his peers. He's a sweet, gentle child. He's not "macho", like most of his peers are. He lacks aggression. His peers seem to have that in spades as well. He's a good student, makes straight A's (nerd). He has red hair and freckles. He's DIFFERENT. He also happens to rock the baseball field and basketball court. He has defined himself in certain ways. His definitions would be "smart", "nice", "good ball player", "kind", et. al. Those are his definitions, not mine. This is how HE sees himself. MY job is to make him absolutely comfortable with all of them. Kids are terribly cruel..and making good grades gets you made fun of. Having freckles gets you made fun of. Being nice to someone else can get you made fun of. When it comes to kids, every stinkin' thing can get you made fun of. They have to have tools and be wise beyond their years to get through this with a minimum of pain.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well at least we're off to a good start then in regards to relationship, my little warrior follows me around, already doing cute mini-headbangs with daddy to metal music heh, and dancing on my lap with dance music. She's got a psycho barbarian daddy lol, and a cultural independent and individualistic mummy, if (or when) she becomes a handful, it's going to hard to figure out whose side of the family she gets it from lol

Ne ways on a serious note, in regards to self-esteem as well in the current environment it's a troubling issue. Both the missus and I went through quite a few problems due to racialism/racism despite rather different overall experiences. Neither of us had parents who went through a racialist climate, hence the missus feels because that they haven't, but we have, I should stop worrying so much. Now I know my daughter will get teased, that's unavoidable, but I don't want her to go through an identity crisis. One alternative of course is to raise her with a subtle superiority complex to counter-act the effects of negative self-esteem due to imposed racialist mentalities. But it's a conflicted and controversal option for obvious reasons, I don't want my kid to follow any of this race this race that nonsense. And yes, I probably am worrying too much.

You all are actually very lucky in regards to the drugs issue. I still remember after reuniting with family, how my cousins' parents had absolutely NO IDEA of what really goes on. On the surface, they are successful, hard-working, and overall good fellas (while I'm the bad apple of the family heh - but they know my circumstances at least)... but they've all went through their 'drug stages', and one of my cousins is actually still in rehab. Hence I fear, and worry too much.


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