# How long does the "honeymoon" last?



## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I keep reading on threads here, but also elsewhere, that the feeling of being "totally crazy in love" doesn't last forever, and it's unrealistic to expect it to. That that feeling turns into a "different kind of love."

I even read a National Geographic article claiming it can only last TWO years, for very serious actual scientific reasons that we little laypeople are helpless to stop.

I'm completely crazy head-over-heels can barely breathe in love with my husband - but granted, it won't even be two full years of that until next month. I respect Nat'l Geo, but seriously, I believe I would have to be struck by lightning to have my feelings "evaporate" within a month.

So I ask you all... how long was/is your "honeymoon" period? Do you agree with Nat'l Geo that it doesn't last for the long term? Do you think time limits like that are stupid? I know what I think, just curious what others have to say.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Ours died off after about a year.
Fast forward to 26 years later, we almost divorced.
Now, we are honeymooners again and have been for over two years. I think (no- I know) the key is to never get complacent. Never let yesterday's offense go unnoticed and unaddressed, also never let it carry over until the next day. You are going to argue, you are going to get mad. It's okay.

If both of you work as hard at being in love as you do at your job, I see no reason why the honeymoon can't last forever.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Our story may help you see that --anytime in marraige -something can be re-captured, or even awakened to heights you never realized. Every marraige will have the mountain peak times, then some valleys -where you need to put effort to get back on that mountain top. So long as 2 are hand in hand in those efforts. 

When we married (22 yrs ago), I surely loved him dearly, but I was so darn comfortable with him, I think I missed that "honeymoon period" all together- at least in the sense of hot passionate wild sex thing that many talk about (which really IS such a GLUE!!) - we immediately had hymen issues that lasted months, got pregnant right away, I guess this would screw with that, plus I was too much of a "good girl" in my thought life. 

I can't say we ever had a down time though, as far as getting sick of each other , thinking "Why did I marry", or what happened to us. Never experienced that. He always treated me like a Queen.... but unfortunetly, I did end up taking HIM for granted, this is so easy to do if your man is too passive.....even doting mind you, but doesn't shake you out of it. He wasn't a shaker, too conflict avoidant. Communication is so so very important. When I was mad, we faught it out, but when he was hurting, he let is slide. So I was oblivious. 

I steamrolled ahead allowing other things, other pursuits, , fill my head like many women do, and he just peacefully went along .... things like trying to get pregnant again -took over 6 years to get baby #2, house projects- we were kinda work aholics to acheive our dreams, church activities, then the kids-(had another 5 in our 30's), too many books. He was right there -every damn day for me in every way, right beside holding my hand even, and I was off somewhere in the clouds. 


Anyway, I firmly believe, if a husband & a wife are utterly on the same wavelength in giving, pleasing, loving, physical touching, and have adequate amount of dopamine running through their system -with us purposely stirring that up from time to time (romantic vacations, flirting with each other, DATE NIGHTS, have a spirt of youngness, put on a love song & dance, lock the kids out, doing something EXCITING with your mate, LIVING IN THE MOMENT -not the future, laugh at your troubles once in a while, NOT allowing that complacency to take root,), ......determining to always keep each other #1.....it never has to die. But beware when you have kids ! This is the biggest challenge for most marriages! They suck the life right out of many wives . 

I read your thoughts on that Love Addiction thread Omega and I could have written that too -without the negative aspects - my husband thrives on being my ADDICTION, it has opened him up in ways I was missing for a long time. He never thought he would see the day, but still he was happy with what we had, now he is ecstatic. I now realize what I had been missing as well. 

Once I got my head out of my a**, realized we are gettting older, where did the time go! It flew past us and we missed so much-of each other! I had allowed myself to loose sight of what was right in front of me the whole time, treasuring him, loving on him. Sometimes we get too busy to stop & smell those roses. Once I seen this, It tore me up - now we have been on that glorious Honeymoom streak for the past 3 years, it's too heavenly, I ain't letting that slip through my fingers again. 


If you & husband can get your grips on how important all of this is right now- while you are in it -- and how to keep it there, There will be no better blessing to your marriage.  

Still Madly in Love? Brain Scans Can Explain

Scientists discover true love - Times Online

HowStuffWorks "How Love Works"


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Morning sickness pretty much marks the end of the honeymoon
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

SA, I think you picked up on my fear, which is that I'm enjoying being in love so much but worry about things outside my control happening to change that - whether it's this love addiction thing (which apparently ends by going on a killing spree according to that article ... WTF?) or the passage of time killing the love hormones (as National Geographic predicts) or ... whatever else. I don't want the dynamic between us to change, ever, but I worry that that's not realistic. I guess I am wanting to hear from at least one person that they've been head-over-heels for 30 years non-stop . Since I know that's not too likely, I want to see the whole variety of experiences out there. Yours is a very positive one because it gives hope for regaining that feeling even if it goes dormant.

We decided not to have children, main reason for that is we like the marriage dynamic as it is - but I know that plenty of things can happen in life to upset things. 

TYH- I always suspected that! (though of course there are tons of exceptions!) Thus the childless lifestyle choice for us.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

I think there are exceptions to this both for and against it. I think some people never really have a "honeymoon" phase. I know I didn't. But, I also think people can remain totally "in love" for longer than a 2 year period, or can rekindle that "honeymoon phase." I think there are scientific reasons that a honeymoon period is only supposed to be 2 years, but if you are still in that honeymoon period then enjoy it!!!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It lasted two years for us....he moved out for 3 months...moved home...and now it's back.  Crazy in love and all things awesome.


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## onifiro (Oct 11, 2011)

My girlfriend and i have been together for 2 weeks shy of 2 years.We have a 4 month old child together and i moved 2 and a half hours to live with her and her parents. Just recently she said she has doubts that i am the one. She said for the past couple of months she had been supressing the feeling that i may not be the one. She said she is very happy with me and she loves me very much but that feeling isnt there and she wishes it was. She said doesnt think it will come back. We live together and i cant afford to move out. We are still both very friendly and still spend time together and i just made an appointment for counciling. Im not sure if i should feel hopeful or not. But im madly in love with her. I dont think she is breaking it too me gently we have been brutally honest with one another our entire relationship.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Two years is about right for the newness and blinders to wear off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Morning sickness pretty much marks the end of the honeymoon
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:rofl: I never got morning sickness. My pregnancies were mellow.


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## onifiro (Oct 11, 2011)

What do you mean blinders. Is it normal to not feel it? Is it something that can be revived?


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

a moon....


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## Sunshine2011 (Oct 11, 2011)

Ours lasted for about 3 years and 18months of that we were living with his family. When I talk to my friends about missing that stage they say that they still see us like and we are have gone on 6 years and married for 2 and have a 1yr old. In saying that we are seperated atm and have been for 3mnths but we are working on it already cause what we had was/is to special just gotta work out a few of my personal issues. Definately live the honeymoon period while it lasts and more then anything just appreciate it  Have fun


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Oh my wife was in full on cranky mode the next day. We spent the entire day with her parents.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

The missus and I have been in a honeymoon-or-hell marriage since we began all this mess lol - the phases come and go like the seasons really. But then again, we fight alot, that must have something to do with it... but we makeup a lot as well


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Every marriage has its ups and downs. I seriously doubt there's been a long-term marriage where they were 'crazy in love' the whole time like in the beginning. I've been married 23 years and it's cyclical - there are periods of ups and down, it ebbs and flows like the tide.

Question - why are you so concerned about this? Is there some reason why you are so insecure in your marriage or with your husband's love that this causes you to worry? If not, then just 'ride the wave'.

Best wishes.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

> Question - why are you so concerned about this? Is there some reason why you are so insecure in your marriage or with your husband's love that this causes you to worry? If not, then just 'ride the wave'.


I'm not religious or spiritual at all, I don't believe in "blind faith" - and I'm very scientific in my thinking. When I read that human brain chemistry is such that no one should be expect to be in love for many years, I tend to believe it. Combine that with the fact that we hit the 2 year mark in a few weeks, and I want to know if it's a pile of cr*p or not. 

To be honest, I think it's a pile of cr*p. Since, like I said, I find it very implausible that our feelings would change in the next few weeks (or months, or years). 

I'm not insecure in my marriage or my husband's love. I guess I'm insecure in human brain chemistry.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

omega said:


> I'm not religious or spiritual at all, I don't believe in "blind faith" - and I'm very scientific in my thinking. When I read that human brain chemistry is such that no one should be expect to be in love for many years, I tend to believe it. Combine that with the fact that we hit the 2 year mark in a few weeks, and I want to know if it's a pile of cr*p or not.
> 
> To be honest, I think it's a pile of cr*p. Since, like I said, I find it very implausible that our feelings would change in the next few weeks (or months, or years).
> 
> I'm not insecure in my marriage or my husband's love. *I guess I'm insecure in human brain chemistry*.


Then simply pass it off as so much trifle, and go kiss your darling husband. 

The only thing that really matters is that which is between you two.


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## PartlyCloudy (Jun 6, 2011)

Omega, it's not that your feelings are all of a sudden going to "evaporate" or change. What Jellybeans said about the newness & blinders coming off is right on, but it's gradual. In the beginning, you're getting to know each other, learning what makes the other tick. It's also very easy to ignore flaws. As time goes by, there's a natural progression in a relationship. You'll always learn new things about your spouse, but you'll have a deeper understanding of each other. You'll definitely know their flaws, but you'll be OK w/the flaws, & even better, you'll know they're OK w/your flaws. 

You will have ups & downs, times of being in a rut, taking each other for granted. That happens when people live together & spend a lot of time w/each other. Don't be afraid of your relationship changing. It's growing, not deteriorating. If you two don't let yourselves get too complacent & don't forget that marriage is a partnership that does take work, that change is a change for the better. That "different" love is a better love.


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## onifiro (Oct 11, 2011)

Althought this isnt my thread i find your information really helpful. Just recently the things that have been going on with my relationship have been taking there toll on me. My girlfriend said that the "feeling" isnt there right now and i feel lost. Im hoping it is something that will come back. I just want her back.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

omega said:


> I'm not religious or spiritual at all, I don't believe in "blind faith" - and I'm very scientific in my thinking. When I read that human brain chemistry is such that no one should be expect to be in love for many years, I tend to believe it.


I am like you Omega, I am more into science too- there is proof out there of these fasinating things that compel us in love & Lust. 

Highly recommend this book to learn about the HORMONE side of these things :

Amazon.com: The Alchemy of Love and Lust (9780671004446): Theresa L. Crenshaw: Books

Though God is surely behind all of this wonder as well. With religious commitment, sometiems it is reduced to VOWS, no matter how miserable you may feel, or what changes may come, except for cheating or abuse, we are taught GOD expects you to remain - straight jacket commitment - only this is Honorable . BUt to understand what revives and moves us through science to keep that heavenly connection...how important that is. . 

Here is an article on the science of those BONDING Hormones -

Love Potion and Cuddle Hormone: What Is Oxytocin and How Does It Affect Relationships? | Easy Ways The role of Oxytocin & Vasopressin in long term Monogomy. 



> I'm not insecure in my marriage or my husband's love. I guess I'm insecure in human brain chemistry.


You are so RIGHT about the role of the *brain *also ! There was one poster here, MarriedWifeinLove, when your husband got a brain injurty, oh the troubles that began, he was not the same man, it changed many of his regular behaviors, it can be devestating. So much does lie within what is happening in our brain, some have 
overactivity, some underactivity - it alll causes dysfunctions- which can hurt our relationships. But meds can help! 

Here are some good books on this, I have both of these:
Amazon.com: The Brain in Love: 12 Lessons to Enhance Your Love Life (9780307587893): Daniel G. Amen M.D.: Books

Amazon.com: This is Your Brain in Love: New Scientific Breakthroughs for a More Passionate and Emotionally Healthy Marriage: Dr. Earl Henslin, Dr. Daniel Amen: Books


I recall one story within these pages...over the years, the husband's job exposed him to inhale dangerous fumes and it affected his thinking, therefore his behavior -therefore his marriage -they grew to the brink of divorce adn had NO idea why his behaviors was suddently changing out of the blue. He was able to get help through meds though. 

Healthy Brains... Healthy Hormones......Healthy Psychology...., with Healthy physical Attraction..... lots of touching , lots of sex (for bonding).... caring for each others love languages, & understanding each others temperments. ....

If you keep all of this going, it may ebb & flow a little but never die never smolder out. Even science is on our side ! 

True, if you fell madly in love & had sex before you really got to know the FLAWS & weaknesses of your partner-things that may annoy your greatly -- eventually these things will start surfacing to cause some issues- that you was in fact BLINDED too originally. Too many young people get into trouble like this. 

Speaking of me & my husband, we didn't change much at all ,other than I was too religious back then, and he just went along . All the same goals & desires I had as a 20 something is what we worked for and would still do & want the same things today. Maybe we knew each other well, I dont know. Although we are both pretty simple and old fashioned in most respects. 

I think I recall yours & hubbys Love Languages being #1 Physical Touch.... this will remain. I did a thread on this -it has tests, I wonder how close you are in the rest. me & mine have them in the same order. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-languages-how-does-affect-your-marraige.html


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

onifiro said:


> What do you mean blinders. Is it normal to not feel it? Is it something that can be revived?


Blinders, meaning the "rose-c9olored glasses" that you have on at the beginning of the relationship, when you see no fault in your partner, only sunshine and rainbows and want to fck like rabbits every half hour, they can say nothing wrong, do nothing wrong, be anything wrong in your mind. 

That feeling does not last. That newness does not last. 



omega said:


> To be honest, I think it's a pile of cr*p.


It's not. 

Relationships evolve over time. Every relationship evolves over time. 

It's the way of things.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

> Blinders, meaning the "rose-c9olored glasses" that you have on at the beginning of the relationship, when you see no fault in your partner, only sunshine and rainbows and want to fck like rabbits every half hour, they can say nothing wrong, do nothing wrong, be anything wrong in your mind.


I would say that we are still at the beginning of our relationship (married less than 2 years) and so far I only see sunshine and rainbows as you say. We're still at the "say/do/be nothing wrong" stage - and I'm not insane enough to think my husband is objectively a perfect human being, but I'm experiencing a protracted (2 year) period of FEELING like he is - and it's nice. I don't want it to end - but I've read a lot saying it will, and soon. 

*PartlyCloudy*


> Omega, it's not that your feelings are all of a sudden going to "evaporate" or change. What Jellybeans said about the newness & blinders coming off is right on, but it's gradual. In the beginning, you're getting to know each other, learning what makes the other tick. It's also very easy to ignore flaws.


I agree with this - I don't know that I would have said we're still getting to know each other, but it could well be true. Certainly I'm not "seeing" flaws.


> You'll definitely know their flaws, but you'll be OK w/the flaws, & even better, you'll know they're OK w/your flaws.
> You will have ups & downs, times of being in a rut, taking each other for granted. That happens when people live together & spend a lot of time w/each other.


I wonder how much it helps to be "ready" for these ruts and taking one another for granted in advance - knowing it's unavoidable, let's say - if that can help soften it. I know it's too early to tell how this will go in my marriage. 

*SimplyAmorous*


> True, if you fell madly in love & had sex before you really got to know the FLAWS & weaknesses of your partner-things that may annoy your greatly -- eventually these things will start surfacing to cause some issues- that you was in fact BLINDED too originally. Too many young people get into trouble like this.


This should have been we - we fell in love much too quickly according to conventional wisdom, and got married quickly. Two years on, I'm still "waiting" to discover the annoying flaws. Common sense says they must be there.



> I think I recall yours & hubbys Love Languages being #1 Physical Touch.... this will remain. I did a thread on this -it has tests, I wonder how close you are in the rest. me & mine have them in the same order. What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?


We are in the same order but the numbers aren't exactly the same. I think our number for #1 (physical touch) was the same or +/- 1, and the others were ranked the same with +/-2 points. We both had gift giving at the bottom with 0 or 1 points, as I recall. It's been a while since we did the test so I don't remember exactly.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Omega,

I dug up something I read on an advice column and will copy/paste it to you since it's relevant to your thread topic:

_Q: 
2 year rule?
Can someone please explain the two year rule to me? I have been dating my boyfriend for six years. We've never talked about marriage, we live together, we are committed, and we are very happy. The ground didn't open up and swallow me when we reached two years unengaged. But it makes me wonder sometimes, is this relationship doomed in a way I don't understand because it's been going on for so long without marriage? 

A. 
Someday, I'm going to keel over and be done on this earth, and I'm going to regret publishing the two-year thing till that moment comes. Possibly beyond (will get back to you on that).

It has nothing to do with length of time without an engagement. *It's solely about new-relationship passion buzz. Since it is a byproduct of newness, this passion buzz dies at some point with every couple and gives way to ... whatever. The two-year mark is where you can confidently assume all the newness has all rubbed off (and is presumably no longer clouding your judgment about each other). *_

Carolyn Hax Live - The Washington Post


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Thanks - and I remember reading Carolyn Hax in college, and enjoying her column a lot 

So if I understand what she's saying, there's the idea that if you've been with someone for two years, you should know if you're getting married or breaking up. And the fact that the "newness" shouldn't last more than 2 years should protect you from jumping into marriage with the wrong person. Maybe I'm not reading it right, I haven't heard of the "2 year rule" before.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Lots of good advice in here. I feel as if I am still in the honeymoon stage but at the same time not. As for his flaws, he lay all of his out before me before we even started dating. I knew about the issues he's had going into the relationship and eventually marriage. We're still happy but it's still rough around the edges here and there. I know he's not flawless and we both know it's not always happy happy joy joy. We're not all over each other 24/7 like the stereotypical young new couple. We've even gone days without kissing. I'm very happy and think we have a good thing going on but I'm not googly eyed.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

omega said:


> We are in the same order but the numbers aren't exactly the same. I think our number for #1 (physical touch) was the same or +/- 1, and the others were ranked the same with +/-2 points. We both had gift giving at the bottom with 0 or 1 points, as I recall. It's been a while since we did the test so I don't remember exactly.


Let me just say, this is a freaking HUGE HUGE HUGE plus. You guys sound JUST LIKE US !! Gifts ranks at the severe bottom for us too. And obviously you have physical attraction to a high degree, why you rushed getting together. 

How about these things ....(this is from a list I did on another thread for people to watch for when choosing a life long partner)



> *2*. *KNOW YOURSELF & KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM LIFE* , your hopes, your dreams. Have a vision, Be sure this BF or GF can fit into this, wants the same things, will be a "helpmate" in these same dreams. Are you both old fashioned in our views, traditional marraige type thing or agree both parents need to work, more modern.
> 
> *3*. * HAVE SIMILAR BELIEFS *and morals, so you will not spend the majority of your life judging the other and irratating them to anger over doctrine, etc.
> 
> ...


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Okay, this is REALLY long, skim unless you want way TMI: 



> 2. KNOW YOURSELF & KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM LIFE


When we first got together, and we were trying to learn everything about each other, it got to the point where we just had to laugh and say it was not really happening, because it was all so similar. Down to the floorplan of the house each of us had dreamed of building (a very bizarre plan, thus it really shocked us that we BOTH wanted the same weird house), we wanted everything the same. We had the same dreams for the present, near-future, and far-future. We also had the same picture of the kind of relationship dynamic we wanted, which was something that had caused problems in ALL of my previous relationships incidentally. We also came from similar family / social backgrounds and had the same level of education.



> 3. HAVE SIMILAR BELIEFS


Before we met, I always poo-pooed the idea that it was a good idea to be with someone with similar beliefs. I had heard it, who hasn't, but as an atheist in a 98% Christian country, it seemed really impossible and like I was just making things even harder for myself by limiting the 'dating pool.' But when I found out that he was an atheist also (and not shy about it), I felt really amazing - I could actually be myself and not downplay my own beliefs (which I had always done in all previous relationships, which had always been with guys who were at least Christian on paper if not true believers). When I told him my "theory of marriage" (what I believed marriage should/could be) he was so impressed that he asked me to marry him within a few hours (even though he had told me when we met that he "didn't believe in marriage" - in fact, he just didn't believe in the kind of marriage that is popular here: woman realizes she wants to have kids, marries current boyfriend. Now he's a huge 'believer' and is thrilled for his friends who get married, whereas before he was cynical about it.)



> 4. COMMUNICATION


I've been getting much better at this. I had anger issues in the past (starting long before we met), but my husband is very balanced and calm, and I've actually calmed down a lot since we married. For the first few months, there were no fights of course, the first fight we had was when his ex-gf came to town and he wanted us to have coffee with her, and I didn't want to go (and I didn't want him to go either because I felt insecure). He ended up going and I was FURIOUS. This was when we were engaged. My side, it was "I don't want him hanging out with ex-gfs" and on his side, it was "I don't want her telling me with whom I can hang out." We were both right and wrong but the way *I* fought with *him* should have had him running the other direction. He didn't, thank goodness. I'm a lot better now. We haven't fought in over six months, and the last fight was because I got upset over his interpretation of a situation in a movie (something totally unrelated to our real lives).

My husband knows (because I've told him) that Silent Treatment is just plain not allowed. My father used the silent treatment on me in an abusive way and I have never, ever been able to see it as anything but abuse. I also don't use it on other people. I am really into communication. My husband and have different native languages. I didn't learn his language for him, I started learning it when I was 18 (I'm 30 now), and I was fluent when we met, and his command of English is decent; but we speak his language 99% of the time. Like I said, I do speak it fluently but it's still a foreign language to me. So COMMUNICATION is huge for us. He is a very good listener because he has to filter stuff I say through the "she is speaking a foreign language" filter and I am a very good listener because I've learned a difficult foreign language as an adult (a TON of work) and I know how to focus very closely on what the other person is saying and rephrase it multiple ways to tease out the meaning. I'm also excellent at non-verbal communication (from living in a foreign-language environment for so long before I became fluent). Plus we're both big emoters.



> And NO secrets.


My husband is the only person who knows my one real Secret that I swore never to tell a soul. I told him on Day 3 that I knew him. He's still the only one who knows. He knows everything else too. I am capable of lying to him but I've never managed NOT to admit that I lied within an hour of the lie. I've never caught him in a lie to me either, and he's never even done what I do sometimes: "I lied earlier when I said...".



> 5. Do you agree on how to spend MONEY ?


We are going through some tough times financially and we are a completely unified force in this area. Every penny we spend is accounted for and I handle the budgeting. I do the best I can to allocate money for things he enjoys, which he appreciates, and we're on the same page with our financial goals (we go over them together regularly and write them down with strategies for how to get there).



> 6. SEX !


We are both ... um ... abnormal in the same way, so that works great. We had a dry spell over the summer (staying at the in-laws) but once we moved into our own home, we are back on track (and back in bed).



> 7. Kids.


None, in total agreement!



> 8. Sexual attraction.


Sexual attraction is off the charts for me, and I think for him as well although I always feel a little odd claiming that someone - even my husband - thinks I'm hot (but he does). Every time I look at him (which is countless times/day), I feel butterflies.



> 9. Do you genuinely ENJOY each other, crave to be with the other, laugh together ALOT, love getting away alone.


Absolutely 100%. We adore being together at home especially and love spending time together even if we're just sitting quietly together doing our own thing (reading, computer, TV, etc).



> 10. LOVE LANGUAGES.


This worked out well!



> 11. Know yours & your partners Inborn Temperments so you can understand them , how they think, why they react the way they do - this helps us know their strenghts -as well as their weaknesses.


I need to look into this one.

One thing that we experience together that doesn't "jive" with a lot of what I've read is:

we read that "marriage is hard work" and "marriage requires a lot of compromise." We haven't had any hard work OR compromise yet, and it's been 2 years. In fact, we laugh about this, especially when other people go on about what hard work marriage is, we always share a little glance because we have said to each other that it definitely isn't hard work - or easy work - it doesn't feel like "work" at all. It just feels like pleasure. 

As for compromise, maybe we're too early in the marriage to have to compromise, and sure we compromise on little things (which newspaper to get, whether to watch my TV show or his soccer game) but we haven't had to make compromises on big things. When we were looking for a new home, we both fell in love with the same one, because we have very similar tastes. When we were trying to decide where to go on vacation, we both wanted to go the same places because we share interests. When we got hit with a major upset in the financial sphere, we were on the same page with what things to cut. 

I don't *want* to come across as blind or naive, but I can accept it if I truly AM blind and naive. Maybe I am. I'm 30 and I've been in several long-term relationships before, but that doesn't mean a whole lot. Everything just seems so perfect, and I keep getting bombarded by messages that it shouldn't be / can't be / won't be, and it should be hard work and compromise, and we should go through ruts and downswings, and have resentment and power struggles, and so on. I initially joined TAM because I love to Talk About Marriage, I guess I didn't initially realize it would have such a high percentage of negative threads. It didn't take me that long to figure out that it's mostly about infidelity, but I still really love the topic (marriage, not infidelity!). Maybe the negativity on here is undermining my optimistic nature.

It's hard to take all these messages and square them with the reality, which is that I am more in love with him every day. So when someone posted that article, it made me wonder if I might be a "love addict" since our experience seems to border on shared mania or something (though I've never had depression or mania before, nor has he).

Sorry it's so long...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

omega said:


> Thanks - and I remember reading Carolyn Hax in college, and enjoying her column a lot
> 
> So if I understand what she's saying, there's the idea that if you've been with someone for two years, you should know if you're getting married or breaking up. And the fact that the "newness" shouldn't last more than 2 years should protect you from jumping into marriage with the wrong person. Maybe I'm not reading it right, I haven't heard of the "2 year rule" before.


No, the point isn't about getting married or breaking up. The point is that after about 2 yrs in a relationship, the personalities w/o blinders on can be seen in your partner and vice versa. It's not about "marriage" at all. It's about the course of relationships. 

I truly believe that the "real" relationship doesn't begin until all the newness/shiny/rose-colored glasses/blinders wear off. That's the "real" relationship, IMO. The beginning is sort of like an ego trip if that makes sense. It's all flowers, butterflies and rainbows. 

I love Carolyn Hax, too


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> No, the point isn't about getting married or breaking up. The point is that after about 2 yrs in a relationship, the personalities w/o blinders on can be seen in your partner and vice versa. It's not about "marriage" at all. It's about the course of relationships.
> 
> I truly believe that the "real" relationship doesn't begin until all the newness/shiny/rose-colored glasses/blinders wear off. That's the "real" relationship, IMO. The beginning is sort of like an ego trip if that makes sense. It's all flowers, butterflies and rainbows.
> 
> I love Carolyn Hax, too


What you say does make sense - well, I guess I have something to look forward to in the future  I went through the page to which you linked up above to figure out the 2 year rule and found a few hints but no clear explanation. Thanks for the clarification


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