# Really Need Help...Pretty Sure My Wife Is Cheating



## JD0903 (May 9, 2020)

Hey everyone. Hope you're doing well during this...crazy time. I could really use someone's help. I've been suspecting my wife of having an affair for the past month. We are both 32 and have been married 8 years, and dated for many years before that (since high school). I've never had suspicions prior to this past few weeks. Hard to explain, just like an intuition. Her behavior was different, she was on her phone way more, and I caught her a few times being...like smiley while she was using it. Her jogs started taking way longer, and she was pretty suddenly less interested in sex. I've never been one to be nosey or go through her phone or computer, in fact I cant remember a time in our whole history where I've EVER done it. But I couldnt help myself, I had to. I checked it maybe 6 or 7 times in this span and didnt find anything suspicious. But I just checked, and I found something that sounds really bad....

It's an email in her sent folder. Subject is "Since your phone was dead". In it she writes "Here you go. Can't make a habit out of it. Show anyone and die lol. Don't respond to this email (I know you know that just bein paranoid" with a heart kissy emoji. There's an attachment. It's a video. I feel like I'm gonna throw up. 

I'm here looking for someone who could view whatever this attachment is. I have tried for about an hour and I can't bring myself to do it. I want to know what the video is, but I CAN'T handle seeing it. And I don't want anyone close to me to even know about this right now. I really appeciate it if anyone could help me. Thanks for reading.

James


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Start researching how to get on her phone. Doesn't sound good.

Next time you get in her phone check her app usage. See if there is a chat app or something that she could be using to communicate. 

I'm sorry. 

Whatever you do don't confront until you have all the evidence you need. She will just lie to you and cover her tracks then you will never know.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

James, hang in there. I’m sure one of the moderators will be along with advice on how to move forward.
in the meantime
1. save in a safe place whatever you have found by back up or forward to your own email, delete the sent mail when done from her account. 
2. do not let your wife know what you suspect, keep acting normal. if cheaters are put on notice they will usually take their affair underground
3. I know you are hurting but the best thing to do is keep occupied, act normal and see if you can find more evidence. Does she go to work? Does she use the car, maybe VAR the car and house

do not let her know what you know, this is imperative at this stage


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> 1. save in a safe place whatever you have found by back up or forward to your own email, delete the sent mail when done from her account.


And then delete that e-mail from the Trash folder.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Eyes open mouth shut! Do. Do not confront until you have the goods on her. Have a trusted friend look at the video if you can’t. You must know. If it was me I would simply take her phone after lining up a technologicaly adept person to snoop it.

always trust your gut. Good luck through this ****storm.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Don’t keep yourself in denial.


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## JD0903 (May 9, 2020)

Hey everyone thank you for responding. I dont think I was clear in my post, sorry. I downloaded the video attachment from her email, i have it in my possession. I just dont want to view it, im hoping someone else will see what it is in and tell me. I cant handle seeing it if its something bad.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You need to see what is on her phone.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Watch the video. If it’s nothing, you are relieved. If it is something, would you stay anyway? You need to know first hand if she is cheating on you. Most likely you have the answer in your possession already.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why do you think strangers should see it? And do what then? Report back? No.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I know it will be tough, but it probably will NOT be her having sex with anyone -- probably nude and maybe solo stuff. I'm sure you've see her do that before, BUT you need to get this over with.
YOU need to know, you need to be certain, so rip off the band-aid and get it done.

You need to make sure you keep this proof (email, vid, etc.) someplace safe. Find out WHO this was sent to. See if he has a wife/gf.
Get your ducks lined up, get your plan together (see a lawyer to get your information and figure out what you need to do - hopefully no kids), make sure you can expose this to family/friends so that SHE cannot re-write your marital history.
ONCE you are ready and have this figured out, you can proceed. DON'T confront early and DON'T let her know how you found out. SHE knows she is cheating -- you don't have to show it or prove it to HER.

VERY sorry you are going through this.


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## JD0903 (May 9, 2020)

Im just worried that it's going to be the worst thing. Can anyone please help?


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

JD0903 said:


> Hey everyone thank you for responding. I dont think I was clear in my post, sorry. I downloaded the video attachment from her email, i have it in my possession. I just dont want to view it, im hoping someone else will see what it is in and tell me. I cant handle seeing it if its something bad.


JD, do not transmit the attachment to anyone via the internet. Save copies of it on flash drives and get a friend/family to view it. I'd view it myself if I were you and youre probably not going to see anything you haven't seen before. If you do transmit it over the internet, don't use your IP address or cell phone)


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

JD0903 said:


> Im just worried that it's going to be the worst thing. Can anyone please help?


Why do you want strangers to see it?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Man, first of all any of us would be crazy to download an attachment if you sent it to one of us as it could be a virus or something. 

Besides hiding from the truth is no way to deal with this. It's going to suck but it already sucks. The truth is, even if it's the worst, you will get over this and you will have happiness in your life. If you just can't do it do you have a friend you an trust?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JD0903 said:


> Im just worried that it's going to be the worst thing. Can anyone please help?


No one here is going to look at some video you have. Anyone would be foolish to trust that it was anything more than a virus or other problem file. 

I think it's beyond bizarre that you think it might be a compromising video of your wife but you want strangers on the internet to view your wife in a compromising video. Really?

If you want someone to look at the video, ask someone you know in your real life. If you know no one, get an appointment with a counselor and have them look at it.


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## JD0903 (May 9, 2020)

Someone was nice enough to check it out for me. It confirmed the worst. Horrible Night. Thank you to everyone who responded.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

I'm sorry James. It will get better. It might get worse first, but you will get through this. You are not the first, you won't be the last. It's a traumatic experience. Lean on your family and friends. Don't suffer alone.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

JD0903, your gut was right. See an attorney, start a 180, and gather all the evidence possible.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Well, so far you are not doing yourself any good by acting weak and indecisive. The only way to save your marriage is to be willing to lose it, and she has to believe it. Better be prepared to man up!! People who act decisively usually come out ahead where as those who act weakly suffer the worst.

A list of actions to take:


*Don't expose yet!* Get your ducks in a row. Get ready for nuclear action! Consolidate monies, credit cards, combined accounts, financials, insurance,etc.
*Lawyer up.* Find out your rights. Consider having her served as a surprise action. Divorce takes a long time and can be halted if she gets her head out of her nether regions. Or at confrontation, have papers prepared to hand her if she doesn't show remorse.
*Do not feel bad about checking her electronics.* There is no expectation of privacy in a strong marriage. Be ready to demand full access with passwords, full transparency.
*When confronting, have a written outline of what you want to say.*
*Demand a timeline of her affair to be checked against a polygraph exam.*
*Purchase a couple of SARs (sound activated recorders) to be placed in places she likes to use her phone.* Have one with you at confrontation.
*Do not try to "nice" her back.* This never works, it only makes you look pathetic when compared to her lover. Do not cry in front of her, do not try to reason with her, do not beg. It is very unattractive.
*Start practicing the "180".* Here is a link: The 180 for Hurt Spouses
*STD testing for you and her.* Do not have sex with her as it will be viewed as "forgiveness" by a judge.
*You sound like a nice guy.* Nice guys finish last. Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy!" Here is a free PDF link: No More Mr. Nice Guy! - PDF Free Download
*Remember, you have to be willing to lose this your marriage to save it.* Act with strength and honor. There are no easy short cuts in handling infidelity. Strength & Honor. Its the only way.


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## BigbadBootyDaddy (Jun 18, 2018)

You seem codependent. That’s most of us before we find out (ie, my little buttercup would never do anything like that). 
Dont expose until you have more. Understand that your life will change drastically, whether you decide on D or R.

Be prepared for major gaslighting and trickle truth. Just remember, at the end of the day she decided to do this.

I bailed in my mid 30s after my W affairs. Trust me, it gets so much better.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I'm so sorry. My ex-husband cheated on me and seeing texts and such made me feel sick to my stomach but it was way better than being made to feel like I was crazy for suspecting him. Gather evidence, see a lawyer and talk about what your next steps should be with them. You can decide not to go through with a separation but it's good to know what your options are and what the likely consequences will be so you aren't shell-shocked.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

JD0903 said:


> Im just worried that it's going to be the worst thing. Can anyone please help?


You now know it is the worst case scenario.
The best course of action for you is to get in the mindset.
*SHE IS THE ENEMY. SHE HAS DESTROYED YOUR MARRIAGE.*
Forget whether or not you want to stay with her. It is not relevant at this juncture.
You need to take care of business. Get into her phone and computer. Get all the info you can discretely.
ID the other party. Get info on spouse(s) if any, where he lives, where he works, etc.
Document and secure. Knowledge is power.
Lawyer up! Do the paperwork. Get things ready for her to be served.
Secure your resources. Take 1/2 the money. New account, different bank. Cancel any joint credit cards. Stage this seamlessly so it corresponds with the date she is served with D paperwork.
If the BF has a spouse, set up a meeting with her. Present the info, work cooperatively with her (if possible.) She will be the extra set of eyes you will need. She may have additional information. Perhaps she will want to file as well, and you can coordinate.
Have her served at work. Coldly, cruelly, no mercy. Let things play out.
If her BF works with her, he will find out too. Odds are he will want no part of things and will bail, depending on his situation.
Have minimal contact. As far as living arrangements, follow legal advice. Study up on and implement the 180. Ghost her if possible, making all communication through your atty.
Do not allow her to control the narrative. Let both your and her family, as well as close friends know. Utilize social media, if appropriate to your situation.
*Remember this: You don't know this woman. She is a liar and a cheat. She is out to destroy and hurt you financially and emotionally. She has no moral ground to stand on. Even if you might want to reconcile with her, she has to be broken down to base level so that she can do the work to be a safe spouse.*
Books have been written on this, so I will try to wrap this up quickly. You are 50% responsible for your marriage, she is 100% responsible for her cheating. If there is a chance for you to stay together 1) it is a gift to her and 2) it is totally incumbent upon her to do the to make herself a safe spouse and to satisfy fully any requirements you put forth. It will take some time for her plight to sink in, and for her to get out of the "Fog." At this point, you will have had some time to sort your s***, determine what you want, and her actions will show if you if she is worthy of another chance. When you get to that point, there is much information on this site that can assist you from there. Best of luck.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The Calvary isn’t coming. Your wife may have put you where you’re at but you are the one that’ll have to get yourself out of this.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

So sorry you are going through this James. Time to prepare your defenses, get your ducks in a row, and divorce.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

A lot of the next few years of your life is going to depend on how you face this. If you refused to see reality and face this by wishing and hoping it never happened, by acting out of desperation you will suffer a lot longer then you will if you face this with courage and make sure your own self respect is paramount. Let me tell you no other person is worth your self respect. At the end of the day everything ends except the fact that you have to look at yourself in the mirror every day.

You are not the first and will not be the last person who faces this. It will suck but your wife is not a key to your lives' happiness, she can bring you happiness or misery but by her actions she has chosen to bring you misery. You can't change that, maybe one day she can but just as likely there will be better out there. See your wife for who he is and how she truly feels about you from how she treats you. Then make your decision on that. You have to decide what the quality of your life is going to be. 

The worst thing you can do is to try to put the genie back in the bottle so to speak. It is what it is, again, face it with courage. Face it with strength. 

Here are a bunch of people who did just that. Take strength from them.

You will get over this an you will have joy again, I promise. 

Courage my friend, courage.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@JD090 Maybe it's a joke between them? A YouTube cat video? A video of you snoring? Of one of your children at a recital?

Watch the first 30 seconds of it. Watch it whilst you are on TAM, and then post here in your thread about what you saw on the video. If it's bad, we'll help you through it. If it's good, we'll smile in relief with you.  We'll be here for you.


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

So sorry brother. Next time she is out send her the video or a screen shot of a part of it. She will come home and have to discuss what you know. Once she pressed send on the video. She lost control of who can see it or post it anywhere. Tell her it is on a porn sight she has no control.
You don’t need too much more information. Do you know the dude?
Expose to all, her wayward ways. If the dude has a partner let her know about the infidelity. They have been put at risk for everything you can think of.

Get into the 180, no sex until she has a STD and STI checks. You need one as well. Could she be pregnant? She also needs a check. During the Covid time keep well away from her of 14 days, also goes for children.
Have her move to a spare room for now.
Look after you! Exercise, drink water no booze or drugs. Talk with a trusted friend and get into IC. You don’t need to make any relationship decisions now. Take time your emotions will be up and down. Keep posting and seek legal advice. 
One day at a time
Buffer


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

A better tact is to send her a screen shot with the caption "I know", then go for a vacation by yourself for a week and turn your phone off, and let her suffer for that week without answers.


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

So sorry that you are here.

First thing you have to do is get a lawyer - and listen to their advice. Do nothing to alert her until you have that advice.

Do you have children? If not I see no reason at all why you should not go hard and fast as possible for divorce. The sooner you put her behind you the sooner you can be ready to meet someone decent.

Do not entertain the idea that she might have made a silly one-off mistake (her accompanying text makes it clear that it not the case). Don't wonder if she will "change". What you now see is the real thing, what you married was the image she wanted you to see. 

Keep using those here who have been in the despair and emptiness I imagine you are feeling now. There is a bright future - and how you deal with the present will affect that. We all have different experiences with different people in different circumstances - but the degree of experience will enable you to see options and help you, always with your lawyer's advice, navigate this awful time.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> No one here is going to look at some video you have. Anyone would be foolish to trust that it was anything more than a virus or other problem file.
> 
> I think it's beyond bizarre that you think it might be a compromising video of your wife but you want strangers on the internet to view your wife in a compromising video. Really?
> 
> If you want someone to look at the video, ask someone you know in your real life. If you know no one, get an appointment with a counselor and have them look at it.


More likely to be someone's idea of a joke or a perversion. But regardless of the motivation, I would guess that it's against the rules to use this site to share obscene materials, no matter the pretense. And to use this site to share someone else's private files without their permission is clearly wrong and may be illegal, regardless of whether it involves sex or not.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

As usual you are getting a mix of advice. Here's my take on it.

1) Decide if this is a deal breaker for you. If it is, there is no more left to do other than the business of divorce. Contact an attorney and follow his/her advice. Do not say or do anything without your attorney's advice. Do not confront you stbxw about her infidelity. Do not play games. Don't worry about trying to find more information. You know enough, so just go directly to divorce.

2) If it is not a deal breaker, you must follow the good advice on reconciling. The issue is not her having sex or sending the video (whatever it was in the video). The sex is not nothing, but it is the disloyalty to you and to your marriage that is the root of the problem which must be solved. This is why you have to do the hard things people will advise such as the 180, exposing her infidelity to family and the OM's spouse, and holding her feet to the fire as far as her doing the work to repair the damage. Do not accept any blame for her choices or her actions. You were an imperfect spouse, as are all humans, but you did not force her at gunpoint to cheat. She had the choice to be honorable and leave the marriage if you were not acceptable to her as a husband. Instead she chose to be disloyal to you. MC, IC, and don't let the therapist try to make it about your faults as a husband which caused her to cheat.

3) Seriously consider filing for divorce even if you decide to try R. This protects you financially in a lot of ways if eventually you do get divorced, but more importantly it makes it clear to her that you are ready to leave if she doesn't do the heavy lifting to get you to stay.

4) Beware the love bombing etc that usually happens.

5) Don't believe anything she says. Expect her to lie, minimize, trickle truth, deflect, and to blame you. Tip of the iceberg is what you know today. She will do everything possible to hide the rest from you.

6) Good luck.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Thor said:


> As usual you are getting a mix of advice. Here's my take on it.
> 
> 1) Decide if this is a deal breaker for you. If it is, there is no more left to do other than the business of divorce. Contact an attorney and follow his/her advice. Do not say or do anything without your attorney's advice. Do not confront you stbxw about her infidelity. Do not play games. Don't worry about trying to find more information. You know enough, so just go directly to divorce.
> 
> ...


One the best advice out there for both plans - leaving or staying.

I wonder why you let someone else watch the video for you. If you watched it yourself first it would difinitely strengthen the idea that she is worthless to stay married to. 

Make sure to watch that video as many times as you can to remind yourself that she needs to be kicked to the curb.

Sent from my SM-N960F using Tapatalk


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

JD0903 said:


> Someone was nice enough to check it out for me. It confirmed the worst.


Of course it was, but you already knew it would be.

Good luck to you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Are you going to move in with your life like you know you should?

Sadly,
Wishing/hoping/pleading—- doesn’t work. Moving on with your life and being strong in spite of the pain—- does work.

I’m very sorry. I’ve been in your position. I mucked up everything by trying the begging/pleading/pick me dance. It will result in nothing but utter disdain and loathing on your wife’s part.

You have no choice but to move forward and eventually the pain won’t burn so powerfully. It will take a long time. But if you move on, it will subside. The truth is that going no contact with your wife is the best thing. No messages, no talking, don’t even let yourself look at a picture of her.

Move on. That’s the one thing you don’t want to do, and it’s the one thing that will get you out of this agony.
Do at least one thing today that puts this in the past. Start with an attorney visit. They’re usually free the first time.
Try not to talk about this with coworkers or friends. Pick one confidant and try not to overwhelm them. 
This is the most difficult thing I faced in my life. But it can be done. Many other people have overcome it. I assure you, you can to.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

JD0903 said:


> Im just worried that it's going to be the worst thing. Can anyone please help?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Before you confront your WW, spend some time sleuthing and gather as much intel as you can. You don't know how deep this rabbit hole goes. You need more intel than just the video. Then get three free consults with lawyers and find out what your rights are. Tell her none of this. She has been sneaking around and unfortunately you are going to have to sneak around too. 

I'm sorry this happened to you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

And get tested for STDs as soon as possible.


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