# Frustrated wife



## Mamina (Jan 5, 2017)

My husband and I have been married 15 years now and about a year ago became parents to the baby that we love more than anything. Before I had my daughter, I did not have a clue this kind of love existed. She is my everything and reason to smile every single day. 
However, our marriage is another story. I don’t remember when I felt really happy and satisfied with our relationship. I just don’t know what to do anymore. We fight every day, multiple times. For example – we got home late last night after being away for the weekend. 
A friend of ours came by to help with something and I asked my H not do bring him to our bedrooms because I did not have time to clean. I was giving bath to our baby when I heard him giving the tour through our messiness. I felt angry and disrespected. He did not have to take him in our bedroom but he decided that whatever he was telling him about was more important than my simple request. I completely understand that it’s my fault I didn’t clean it, but why he has to ignore it like that? I felt so ashamed. I yelled at him out of frustration. He said he have seen it in worse shape, so what?! I stopped talking to him after that because all he was saying was that he did not do anything wrong and all was just my fault. When I did not respond, he said to think twice if I won’t answer him. 

At this point, I am simply tired. When we talk or I ask him something, he answers me with smart-butt question kinda answers. “can’t you see?” Does it look like this or that” or criticize things I do with some unnecessary comments. I forgot to put yogurt in fridge right away, then he took it, ask why I did not and then said “what can I say!?... and just acted as if I did the worst thing ever. Or at least that’s how I felt about it. I constantly clean things after him and hardly ever do remarks about it. I honestly don’t know how to be calm when he pushes my buttons. I keep telling myself that I have to react differently, but when it comes to it, I don’t handle it well and I feel bad about it because of our baby girl. Then he tells me to stop yelling. “ See, baby, mommy is going crazy…” He even tells her things like that. I don’t ever tell her stuff like that about him when he is behaving badly. 
When H tries to be intimate and kiss me, which I hardly enjoy, all I can think of is him not cleaning his teeth before sleep. It bothers me. He does it 5 out of 7 days. I don’t feel any spark, anything really.

Don’t take me wrong, he is a good guy and great father, but the way we are right now is not nice or fulfilling. I don’t want to give up on our marriage because I want our baby to have family, but at the same time, I feel that things are just getting worse between us. How can I make it better? We did MC in the past. It helped for a while but he would not go back now. Maybe I need it for myself anyway. Sorry so long. I had to get it out.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Having children can be extremely stressful, but there are things you should both be able to do. 

What are his largest complaints in the marriage?

It sounds like his hygiene and other issues have caused you to not be sexually attracted to him anymore. If he fixed that, what else would he need to do for you to feel attraction?


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## Jamie296 (Apr 15, 2017)

Sounds to me like you are feeling stuck. I think personally, you guys should talk about things and maybe come to a compromise. Try dating a bit to get the spark back. Try to find a way to approach him that may not bring up his defenses and you try to be calm when speaking to him. Right now, i think you both are looking for arguments because you are both bored with each other. Marriage in itself is alot of work, but having a new baby and a smart ass husband doesn't help the situation. I know that from experience. I have 5 children but my youngest is my step son at 10 and my oldest is my bio daughter at 19 and my wife and i have to find ways to talk with each other without all the drama so we won't argue. Children and money seem to be the biggest stressors in marriage. I have plenty of children and no money lol but we make it work. 
He definitely needs to respect your wishes but he's obviously proud of you guys house because he's wanting to show it off, maybe. 

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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

In my much younger days I dated a few married women. They all said that their husband is a nice guy and father but they needed more. All but one ended up divorced. The one who is still married, is so only because her husband decided to look the other way rather than divorce. It takes a lot more than being a good father and man to keep a marriage together.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Sounds like some communication issues, on your end as well. Neither silence or yelling is productive. Why would he not go back to MC now? If you phrased it as a WE need to work on our communication skills so WE can get to a better place it may go further than just coming to him with a bunch of his problems he needs to work on.

What did the MC say last time?


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## Jamie296 (Apr 15, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Sounds like some communication issues, on your end as well. Neither silence or yelling is productive. Why would he not go back to MC now? If you phrased it as a WE need to work on our communication skills so WE can get to a better place it may go further than just coming to him with a bunch of his problems he needs to work on.
> 
> What did the MC say last time?


I'm not a marriage counseling kind of guy, i believe you can work it out but like SlowlyGoingCrazy says, communication is key to a successful relationship with anyone that you care about. 

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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Well you have certainly spoken the truth here. You love your daughter more than anything. Certainly more than you love your husband. This is not an unusual problem. Many people love their children and focus totally on them forgetting this truth: The very best gift that you can give to your children is happy parentS. There is nothing in the world that is more important to your daughters happiness than having parents that love each other. 

People who love each other do not have a strict schedule of escalating punishments for minor infractions. They don't argue just to protect their ego. They have no reason to issue threats, and even if they did have just reason, they wouldn't say it out loud. I see plenty of blame to throw around here he handled this as badly as you did. One thing that he said that is Very True, is that you should think carefully before shutting down communication. Not for his implied reason / threat. But, because it shuts down the avenue through which resolution, healing and love can flow. 

I absolutely agree with what Slowly Going Crazy has said Fix the communication. But I also add, double check your priorities.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

You guys are not a team, your going against each other. Talk to him about it, you have to be the one to change first.


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## Mamina (Jan 5, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Having children can be extremely stressful, but there are things you should both be able to do.
> 
> What are his largest complaints in the marriage?
> 
> It sounds like his hygiene and other issues have caused you to not be sexually attracted to him anymore. If he fixed that, what else would he need to do for you to feel attraction?


I don't honestly know. I can't expect him to take better care of himself, if I don't do much neither. Taking fitness here. I used to exercise a lot, but not anymore. I should like him the way he is, should not I? 
He complains that I yell, I am not physical with him often enough, that I obviously don't handle all woman's job as well as I should. 
'


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> You guys are not a team, your going against each other. Talk to him about it, you have to be the one to change first.


Team. Yes. You two first. Children follow happy parents. They also follow miserable parents. Need to sit your H down and describe your areas you need him to work on. You the same for him. 

I'm certain there was a time your H was the attentive BF. Now a H who believes good dad and provider is all that is required. Your H is sorely mistaken. He is your H first in all things. You are to be the first consideration in ALL things. Your H is to be the first consideration in ALL things for you as well. If you H does not grasp this first in all things your marriage will be as you see it today. 

Not until I grasped that concept the good father, provider and better H to my W did our marriage bloom into something very awesome. It takes work but the reward is astonishing.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Mamina said:


> I don't honestly know. I can't expect him to take better care of himself, if I don't do much neither. Taking fitness here. I used to exercise a lot, but not anymore. I should like him the way he is, should not I?
> He complains that I yell, I am not physical with him often enough, *that I obviously don't handle all woman's job as well as I should. *
> '


Just what are woman's jobs. Around my ranch all jobs can go both ways. Me or my W. However, cutting the grass(my W has offered) is not really something I would have my W do. Not because she can't, it is something I have always done.


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

I think alot of women fall into the trap of loving their kids more than their spouse. I have always held the belief that spouses come first followed by the children. The primary relationship is with your spouse. Sounds like you need to re-prioritize whom comes first between the two. Work on the marriage as much as you have put time in with your kids.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

So many women put their children before their husbands...at their own peril. My (step)daughter complains that I put my husband before her, I'm not consciously aware of it but I probably do. She says "It's ALWAYS about what HE wants, never what *I* want!" teenagers, lol.

My husband is and will always be my number 1.

You and your husband need to sit down and communicate to each other about what you both need the other to do, to get your marriage back on an even keel. Ironically - you need to do this for your daughter.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Vinnydee said:


> In my much younger days I dated a few married women. They all said that their husband is a nice guy and father but they needed more. All but one ended up divorced. The one who is still married, is so only because her husband decided to look the other way rather than divorce. It takes a lot more than being a good father and man to keep a marriage together.


Only if your wife is devoid of integrity


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