# EA & PA - need help



## heartbroken85 (Dec 16, 2009)

I found out my husband of almost 2 years has been having an EA with a woman at work. She is 'engaged.' He has taken me out to bars/dinner with her and her fiance multiple times. He called me crazy everytime I questioned him, of course I suspected the EA from deleted texts, etc, never really though because it is my worst nightmare. 

DH also confessed to a makeout session in his office while they were saying 'goodbye'. I want to vomit. The last 2 days have been the hardest I could ever imagine. I can't stop crying and I can't eat. I really took our vows as meaningful and to know he could so easily throw it all away is devastating. We have a beautiful home and dogs and everythings was going so well. 

Today we went to counseling. He has a blank look on his face. He cried once or twice and says he's sorry and wants to fix things but I don't know what to believe. He should be begging me back, not telling me he's doing good by going to counseling w/ me. 

We are only 24. I have a good job. I love him with all my heart, and have been completely blind sided by this. The rug has been pulled out from underneath me. 

I am scared to forgive him. Now I am young and 'pretty' and could still make a good life for myself. What happens when he does this again and we have babies? How can I risk that? It seems my decision is different than those that already have children. 

Pls give me advice. I know the road ahead is going to be hard and horrible either way. I am so attached to him and our live I can't imagine walking away, but I'm scared it might be the right decision and could later regret forgiving him. 

Also - thanks for all your stories, it helps to know other ppl have felt this horrible pain and survived.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

You are wise to consider that the road of the future is far more stressing than your current life. And if he could do this NOW, what on earth will he do later? 
I don't know. We're you married went his EA started? Kind of thinking this guy is not a good marriage partner.


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## heartbroken85 (Dec 16, 2009)

No, we were happy and built a good life together for 1.5 years before this happened. He is / was my best friend in the whole world. I still can't believe this is my reality. 

He came home from work, acted like he cared for 5 minutes, and within 10 minutes has fallen asleep. Neither of us has slept well, but given the circumstances this is beyond crushing. I couldn't imagine sleeping if he was hurting like I am.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Sorry - please clarify. How long have you been married and when did the EA start - before or after you were married?
And did it only stop because she became engaged - and so SHE ended it?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I think it is gonne be completely up to you to find out if you even can forgive him. I am still throwing this around in my head too. I did nothing but love you and you cheated on me. Argh. I still don't know if I will be able to get over it and it has been almost 2 months since I found out. 
I feel where you are coming from. You feel used, scared, pissed off, sad and heartbroken. I get that, I feel the same way. I wonder if I will ever be able to trust him again. I wonder if I am gonna be that wife, calling her husband every 20 minutes when he is out of the house asking where he is and who he's with. That's never been me. I think its more of a question of "Will I still be me if I stay?" Thats a rough one to answer


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## duckman (Sep 15, 2009)

HB85...I'm a guy, 39...my wife had EA lasting approx. 8-9 months...My biggest concern for those of us suffering through the torment of an EA is just the thought of the unknown. My thought on an EA is this. It is simply a PA that can not be substantiated or proven. All the dots are there, we just don't want to connect them. It drives me crazy and I'm going virtually the same thing. I can say this. A married man is not going to risk his marriage just for a 'frienship'. I wish you all the best. Just know, your not alone.


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## Beninyourshoes (Jul 31, 2009)

The sad thing is you guys are basically still on your honeymoon. Normally the first year or two are full of ups and downs because your young and still trying to adapt to living and sharing your space with someone. Start having kids and things really get confusing. He will feel like he is competing for your attention. He will feel like you are putting him on the back burner because all of your time and energy is spent on the children. Then he will feel even more like needing some outside attention. I know because I have gone through this as a man 3 times. I can remember after the first child was born, feeling alone and left out. No attention, her hormone level was up and down like a roller coaster and I was just along for the ride. 

You guys can work through all of this but both of you are going to have to be brutally honest with each other with no regards of each others feelings. Don't try to sugar coat things in fear of hurting each other. Get it out on the table and see if the both of you can find out each others needs and work through it.
Find out why it happened and what made him think he needed to stray. Odds are he had more than an EA. This needs to be known also. You don't want to find out later and have to go through this again. It hurts worse the second go around even though it only happened once. Then you have to realize you are married to a cheat and a liar. Don't go tell your families either if you plan to work through this. Mom's and Dad's have a problem loving their child's spouse knowing they have caused their child to hurt. Remember that when you get married, you are marrying their family as well. Nothing worse than sitting around on holidays with a mad family.

Good luck and may God be with both of you. If you guys are not in a church. I would suggest getting involved in one. Nothing better than moral conviction in your heart to keep you straight.


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## Gar888 (Jun 2, 2008)

I was told it was just an emotional affair too but found out later it was physical ...the lies are just as damaging to the relationship as the affair was I am sorry to say I would really wonder if it was just emotional if when they sayed goodbye they had to have a makeout session I mean what the...... 
I wish you well but if you are like me I needed the truth and even then I still am having problems it's a tough road to hoe


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## orangekitty (Dec 15, 2009)

I could never get the truth and there is absolutely no trust in our relationship so I have ended up becoming this obsessed angry person that searches through phone records for those calls or waits for just the right time when I could steal his cell phone so I could look for text messages he still have figured out how to delete those. That is how I found the latest EA. But proof is a double edged sword not knowing and knowing hurt just as much. 
If this is his first affair and you have no kids my advice is dont have kids anytime soon and give him a second chance but if it happens again leave. I never left and now my H is on affair number 4 this time its an EA but for how long ???? And Im trying to get up the courage to leave after 14 years of marriage.... 
Good luck.


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## Beninyourshoes (Jul 31, 2009)

orangekitty said:


> I never left and now my H is on affair number 4 this time its an EA but for how long ???? And Im trying to get up the courage to leave after 14 years of marriage....
> Good luck.


I have to ask, Why are you going through this a forth time? I believe after the first time the rules would have been laid down. As soon as the second time came about, it would be splitsville for me. Love or no love, I can find someone else that will not treat me like a doormat. I love my wife more than life itself but if she ever does this crap again I will be gone. Yes it will hurt extremely bad to leave but I also realize that as soon as I found someone else to share my love with, those pains would ease up.

Kind of like when we broke up with someone in high school and we thought it was the end of the world. As soon as we started dating someone new and special, it was OK again. 

I believe in second chances and forgiveness but I don't believe in torcher.


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