# Feeling Guilty



## Downandsad (Apr 9, 2012)

Well yesterday I told my husband that I was unhappy and want to be alone. I have posted here before, we have been married for 8 years no kids together but he has 2 who live in another state. I came to realize that all of this time I was trying to change him, as he is not affectionate, doesnt communicate well, does not want to better himself so that we can have a better life. His kids are older now but when they were younger, I had to make him spend time with them, when they would come to visit its like they were visiting me--I used to cry and beg for him to touch me or talk to me, a lot of times he would push me away or let out a sigh- one time he told me that he didnt touch me because he knew its what I wanted. I want kids of my own, and before we got together I let him know this, then one day he tells me he doesnt want anymore kids, we talked about everything before we were married-how i like to be affectionate and im touchy feely, how I want kids or if i cant have any i want to adopt---and now I feel cheated--he kept telling me he would change and try to talk to me and touch me and things but chance after chance he always goes back to the way he was---now he is trying somewhat and I think I am so pissed off and hurt by all the previous things that my feelings for him has changed, I dont feel like i have ever been appreciated for what I did for his kids, he has put us in a financial hardship--and doesnt seem to want to do anything to better it--he has a job but there is no health insurance--he quit a good job as a supervisor because it got too "hard" for him and the people who he supervised called him too much--I have tried and tried to make things work---but when he went to 8 different check cashing stores and had to tell me about it cause it got to be too much, after saying he didnt want kids when he knows that its important to me, after telling me he would show more affection and hasnt, after flirty texts with a female coworker--i think I am done--he is 10 yrs older than me--and I cant understand why he cant give me the things I need--he is so outgoing and can talk to anyone he runs into but cant talk to me--i dont get it---now I feel guilty--why do i feel like this--i know i love him--just my feelings have changed --i dont want him to hurt even though i have been hurt--i feel sorry for him and i dont know if i am strong enough to leave him--can anyone else understand my situation or am i being selfish??


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## soconfused1984 (Apr 19, 2012)

why do you feel sorry for someone that doesn't seem to care about you?? ..anyways...so have you sit down and tried to talk to him straight out why is going on?...


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## Downandsad (Apr 9, 2012)

Yes I have tried to talk him numerous times, a lot of times he just is quite--its like talking to a wall. I dont yell or anything--then I ask him why doesnt he respond and he says because what I am saying is right.


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## soconfused1984 (Apr 19, 2012)

yeah that is what i thought...well he obviously not caring to loose you cus we ALL have a limit and that is why you're posting here cus it seems you came close to yours...let him know you're almost done if he's not willing to talk about it....what about MC, i've never tried it but it seems to work for people...


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> I want kids of my own, and before we got together I let him know this, then one day he tells me he doesnt want anymore kids


 This was my ex-husband and me. He knew before marriage that it was a deal-breaker for me. We got divorced. (I now have a wonderful daughter, and I KNOW I made the right choice for me!) *Is this a deal-breaker for you? Do you want to be a mother MORE than you want to be married to him?*

I'm not a shrink, but maybe he doesn't feel 'good enough' and in his mind he's always thought you were going to leave him (like his ex-wife), so he's creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Pushing you away so you leave and he can say to himself 'see, I'm unlovable/unworthy' or 'see, I knew she'd leave me'. I don't know....

YOU should get into IC IMMEDIATELY and talk to you counselor about YOUR wants/needs/desires regarding marriage, motherhood, communication. Get a professional to help you see if there is hope for this relationship or if you're just wasting time waiting for change in someone else that isn't going to happen.

Go to IC NOW, before you're any more confused, frustrated, angry. Life is short; don't waste it feeling guilty. Be PROACTIVE...choose your life, whatever YOU decide it should look like.


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## Downandsad (Apr 9, 2012)

Thanks for the comments, last night was really hard. I dont think I have cried so much ever in my life. So, he asks me what are we going to do after I already told him that I needed to be alone. So there I had to go through everything again. I think the biggest thing that bothers me is now its like he feels he didnt do anything wrong and because he came back and said he is ok with having kids after i threatened to leave before that I should let it go. I tried to explain to him that it hurt me at that time and I havent been able to get over it, thats how I feel about it all--I dont know how to let it all go--the anger about everything that has happened--its not fair to him that I keep holding onto it--I think thats why I feel guilty--I just know if I was to go thru MC that something else will happen--I dont know what to do, all I do know is that this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life--neither one of us have anywhere to go-he says he doesnt want to leave the house and I dont either but I cant go thru another night like that!


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## confused&unhappy (Apr 23, 2012)

If he has expressed before that he didnt want kids but is saying it's "ok" now just because you threatened to leave?? what does that say about him?? What I'm saying is, you had to "make" him spend time with his other kids so before you make the decision to have kids with him, if that's what you really want, think if you're gonna have to make him spend time with yours. My ex was very independent and wanted kids but when we had them and they were little he said they stressed him out, he couldn't watch them even for me to go to the store. He regrets the time he missed with them now but I was raising two on my own. If he quit his job because it was too much for him remind him that the resposiblity of a baby is both of yours and much more demanding then any other job and that he is going to have to help ie..feedings, diaper changing, getting up in the middle of the night etc... The rewards are so much more than any job and I wouldnt change a thing I have two wonderful children. I just don't want you to be sucked back in because he says he wants a baby because you do. It's not a puppy or a new car, it's a baby..for life...and I don't want to see you go through being a single mom and in a marriage that you resent him. I think he's saying it because he doesn't want to lose you. But PLEASE think long and hard before bringing a beautiful life into this world, make sure he's all in not just partly.


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## Downandsad (Apr 9, 2012)

Well he says if he didnt want kids then why would he be intimate without using protection, my response was why did you say it then? He doesnt know--he doesnt know why he cant talk to me, why he cant give me compliments/affection--he doesnt know


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## Downandsad (Apr 9, 2012)

How does a person not know? It just pisses me off that he doesnt know. Does anyone else get the I dont know answer??


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## soconfused1984 (Apr 19, 2012)

i get it all the time!!! why did you sexted this girl?: i don't know,,,,why do you not invite me to your get togethers: I don't know,,,why are not wanting to talk: i don't know!!!! but i have my I don't know also,,,,why are you still with him and have put up with him all these years? I DON'T KNOW!! lmao!!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

downandsad:

Hang in there, girl, take some deep breaths. You CAN work your way through this.



> I think the biggest thing that bothers me is: *now* its like he feels he didnt do anything wrong; and because he came back and said he is 'ok with having kids' (after i threatened to leave before) that I should let it go


*Your husband is manipulating you.* He is telling you ANYTHING you want to hear to make sure you don't leave. *It isn't true.* He told you flat out that he DIDN'T want to have children. Now he is half-heartedly agreeing to have kids so you won't leave. That is absolutely NOT the right attitude to bring to parenthood. *Do NOT have any children with this man; you will ALL suffer.* 

*Your husband *will RESENT your child...from the time he's born (it takes a LOT of time, attention, energy to take care of an infant...will your husband be angry with how much time/attention you're spending on the baby and NOT on him? Absolutely!) through the school years (time, money, attention, parental attention/support on the child, less on hubby). 

*Your child* will grow up sensing (or, worse yet, KNOWING) that his father isn't interested in him. No matter what he does, he'll always be trying to get your husband's attention/love...until your child gives up, and wonders WHY he isn't GOOD ENOUGH for your husband to love/care about. 

*YOU* will have to witness all of this, and it will break your heart. You will resent your husband for not being the kind of father your child deserves.



> he asks me what are we going to do (after I already told him that I needed to be alone.) So there I had to go through everything again.


 This is just a difference in how you and hubby react to things. If you NEED to be alone, there is nothing wrong with telling him, 'we'll discuss this later (or in the morning, or whenever); right now I need to think about things and process this.' If he doesn't want to respect your need to THINK QUIETLY or get control of your emotions, then HE is being DISRESPECTFUL



> I dont know how to let it all go--the anger about everything that has happened--its not fair to him that I keep holding onto it


 You are ENTITLED to your feelings! Your husband LIED to you; he knew when he married you that YOU wanted children. He agreed to it, then he changed his mind. Now he's CLAIMING to change his mind again (but he's really just lying to you *again* to get you to do what HE wants...which is stay.)



> neither one of us have anywhere to go-he says he doesnt want to leave the house and I dont either


 There's a difference between NOT HAVING ANYWHERE TO GO and NOT WANTING TO LEAVE THE HOUSE. You BOTH have somewhere else to go...you each just PREFER to stay at your home. Focus on FACTS, not emotions.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> he says if he didnt want kids then why would he be intimate without using protection


 He's trying to make YOU believe that it is all in YOUR HEAD. It doesn't matter WHY he wasn't using protection. He SAID he didn't want kids! Now, he's just trying to confuse you and fast-talk you. He is manipulative.

"Hubby, I DON'T KNOW *why* you didn't use protection, but I DO KNOW that you clearly stated you don't want kids. You weren't involved when (insert his kids' names here) used to visit us when they were younger. *I* was the one who was involved with them and interacted with them daily. You weren't interested then and you won't be interested in interacting with any children in the future. It doesn't interest you." 



> I came to realize that all of this time I was trying to change him, as he is not affectionate, doesnt communicate well, does not want to better himself


 Apparently you NOW realize that the ONLY person you can change is YOU. The only person who can change your hubby is HUBBY...and ONLY if he WANTS TO.

Have YOU tried Individual Counseling (not MC)?

Have a peaceful evening and keep pondering what YOU want.


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## Downandsad (Apr 9, 2012)

WOW--slowlygettingwiser and soconfused--thanks so much--these comments really hit home for me. Its so good to know that I am not being selfish with how I feel its like I thought I was being difficult because although he doesnt do certain things and has said some hurtful things--I thought I was wrong for not wanting to try and make it work because at least he doesnt hit me or cheat on me--I am starting to realize that feeling sorry for him is stupid when he never feels sorry for me--and doesnt care if im upset--until I get ready to call it quits. I always thought I would hurt his kids by leaving him--I thought I would look like the bad one--but who cares I suppose---I always feel like Im being too mean cause I am the one who is upset and he never complains about anything I do---last night, I set up an appointment for MC but I dont know if I even want to try and work it out--


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## soconfused1984 (Apr 19, 2012)

i know exactly how you feel! you feel emotionally exhausted like me maybe...my friend suggested taking my husband to church and this and tha but honestly i really don't feel like it anymore cus when i back then when i almost had to beg him to go with me, he didn't want to and was very rude when i even mentioned it to him...WE ARE DONE LADIES!! and yes we are going to feel guilty, everyone else may talk about us being selfish, the spouses will say anything to try to make us feel guilty but at this point....WHO CARES! hahah! i'm glad you're getting your thought and feelings straight and if there is anything you want to talk about i'm here =) i usually never talk about my marriage problems with anyone just a friend or two, but everyone else keeps judging me...anyways.... =)


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## Downandsad (Apr 9, 2012)

Its like I am not mad at him anymore--I get angry when I think about some things--but Im not mad--I just wish he would leave me while Im at work or something---I feel guilty about that one--I think he thinks Im not really serious--since I have threatened to leave before--several times, but I am serious this time, I am not there anymore--tired of begging, hoping, wishing--I want kids, I want someone in my life who wants more out of life--who wants to get out of the house and do things, I want to feel loved by my man--to feel that he wants to hold me--wants to make me feel special to him--I think I know what I want--just not sure how to go about ending it once and for all--I am scared about being alone physically--scared about having to move and starting over--Angry that I wasted 8 years and gave so much of myself to one person and he cant even hold me when I cry


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## soconfused1984 (Apr 19, 2012)

yeap! me too, i'm done feeling angry, upset, sad, etc. etc. i have no emotions, like i could end it with no harsh feelings and stuff and i'll be good =) but he is very different and i know it will not be easy...i do too wish he would leave me when i'm at work or something hahahaha!!! i laugh because i can't believe i'm not the only one wising this....so you're not alone! =) i used to be scared of how would i do it on my own etc. etc. but not even scared of that anymore =) i'm just scared to confront him..


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## Downandsad (Apr 9, 2012)

I wish you luck, I hope you stay strong and find the courage to do what you have to do!!
I am finding it so hard to concentrate on anything--this is consuming my life--cant eat, sleep and late for work for the last two days--then I get to work and cant keep my mind on it--I have an understanding supervisor thank goodness!! Something has got to be done, I cant imagine this whole weekend being with him in the house not talking and avoiding one another--guess I will have to get out and find something to do. I really dont have any extra funds right now to move and from the looks of it, he doesnt plan on leaving--so i suppose I will just stay out as long as I can!!! I will admit, I am scared to just say Im not going thru MC i just want to end it--Is it because I know it will be the end or what??


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## soconfused1984 (Apr 19, 2012)

yeah i think you're scared of the transition, of the change, of the whole painful situation it will cause, i do too feel like you i don't want to be in the house this weekend and i don't have much funds to move since he won't move,,,i have no idea how would i make it on my own, but i really feel confident that in the end it will turn out good =) but meanwhile i have to go through the painfull stuff which is confronting him =/ good luck to you too!!


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Can you stay with a girl friend or relative for a few days?


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## Downandsad (Apr 9, 2012)

I might have a friend, however i have a dog and he's really old 13--she has one too--but she did say i could crash over there--i am wanting to ask her--i think i will tomorrow


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## Downandsad (Apr 9, 2012)

We didnt talk tonight at all--I stayed out as long as I could--around 7--took my mother fishing--I wanted to tell her so bad--but she's in poor health dont want her to worry about me--I want to tell him but i dont want to be mean to him--i know i must do it just trying to get the courage--he does daily routines except talk to me--which is fine-I cant even look at him--at least i did eat something tonight--but i have got to get myself together--thanks for all the help you all have given me--it really is supportive--especially when you dont have anyone else to talk to but a couple of people and you feel like you are getting on their nerves


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

downandsad:

It IS scary to think of a new way of life. But consider that you're not really 'living' now...you're merely existing. It is a waste of the few precious years we're given here on Earth.



> Angry that I wasted 8 years and gave so much of myself to one person


 This is something that you will have to work on. 

1. Forgive YOURSELF for the mistakes that you have made. You made the best choices you could, based on the knowledge you had. NOW you have MORE KNOWLEDGE and now you want to make different choices. It is personal growth!

2. The 8 years were not ALL wasted. You have learned valuable lessons about yourself (and others) that you will NEVER forget. Continue to add to your knowledge-base. Get to know yourself even better and value yourself more. Although you spent 8 years in an unsuccessful marriage, you will NOT be spending 18 years, or 28 years in an unsuccessful marriage!

3. Your mother loves you. As a mother, I can state without reservation, NO MOTHER wants to see her child unhappy; especially if there is something that can be done about the situation (in your case...divorce). Explain to her that you are determined to be a mother and that hubby is unwilling to father any more children. SHE WILL UNDERSTAND and support you. She may have seen more problems in your marriage than you suspect she did. Tell her that you want out of your marriage, that you are working on plans to move forward. Tell her you don't want to worry her, YOU are dealing with things. You just need her continued love and support. She WILL be there for you.

Good luck and feel better! One day at a time, one step at a time.


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## Downandsad (Apr 9, 2012)

Thanks, you are so helpful....well the husband hasnt been to work in the past two days, we are not talking but I found this out by snooping (iknowitswrong) on his phone, he has been texting the female at work, about our situation, the same one who was being flirty with him before. It doesnt really bother me too much--but the not going to work part does. I know he is down and sad too--but if he doesnt work he doesnt get paid and we have bills---ughh--now I feel bad cause he cant bring himself to go to work because I have decided to seperate from him. I know Im throwing a pity party--but omg--I dont want him to get fired, should I talk to him about going to work??


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## soconfused1984 (Apr 19, 2012)

Downandsad said:


> he has been texting the female at work, about our situation, the same one who was being flirty with him before. It doesnt really bother me too much-


wow! that says alot about your feelings towards him! you don't care that much that he's talking to another girl...i'm in the same situation...anyways,,,i think yes you should talk to him about your finances in general that you both have to put the same effort cus you have bills, that has nothing to do with love or this and that so i dont see a reason for trying to avoid it, it's something that has to be done, if not, the bills gets stacked up and you'll be having problems...hopefully he will be able to talk like an adult and take care of things before they get worse. Just be firm and confident that you need help with the bills while you get out or something...


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## soconfused1984 (Apr 19, 2012)

i would start figuring out how to get out and your own finances so that you make it on your own...that is what i'm doing right now, and i figured out i CAN make it =) but i feel just like you, i'm just terrified to confront him and we're not talking much right now, last night he slept on the couch and i slept soooo good! =S with so many years of intimidating me, scaring me, insulting me, screaming at me, i came to realize all this fear is trapped inside jsut like abuse victims, i used to wonder why can't they get out and move on but now i really understand them cus it's hard! well in my case it is like that and the feeling guilty too! aauughh!! hang in there girl, you'll figure you're way out just think about your well being!


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## Downandsad (Apr 9, 2012)

So, I go out to my car at lunch and there is a card on my window. Its from him, it states "I will always love you no matter what.", ok so it takes me wanting to leave for you to give me a card--actually I smiled at first then got mad--he never gives me anything unless there is some holiday involved!


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## soconfused1984 (Apr 19, 2012)

yeap! been there! yesterday my husband tried to hug me and tried to make me laugh,,,,but then i think about all those years he's does the same and i keep going back and here i am stuck with him like always....i have no idea why doesn't he tell you upfront and be honest about his feelings and stuff...my husband never gives me anything not even holidays of course i don't expect anything but he only gives me smoething when he's done wrong...lmao!!


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## Downandsad (Apr 9, 2012)

Well, I know I am not just going to change my mind over a card--I think he sees that I am serious as I have not spoken to him or I dont call him throughout the day, Its starting to feel like a game and I am not trying to play one. I think we might have a talk tonight and I will see if he would be willing to go somewhere this weekend so I can have some space. I have got to have my own time away from him so I can really sit and think if this is what I want to do. Then I guess I will have to go ahead and do it--I can no longer stay in the house with him just ignoring him--its childish and stupid I think. It doesnt make me feel good to do that and I am sure both of us walking around the house pissed off just wastes time out of our lives.


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## soconfused1984 (Apr 19, 2012)

yes that is exactly right! you can't be like that forever just ignoring eachother,,,hopefully you get to talk to him and he can open out to you as to what does he really want and you get your mind straight as to what do you want also =) i really wish it turns out for the best!


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## Downandsad (Apr 9, 2012)

Thanks--and u too!! Will let ya know!


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## soconfused1984 (Apr 19, 2012)

thanks! yeah let us know how the weekend goes =S...


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## Downandsad (Apr 9, 2012)

Well I did it I told him I want to seperate he actually did well with it. However, we wont be seperating, he says we might as well divorce cause theres no way it will work living apart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Downandsad (Apr 9, 2012)

You know, this hurts like hell and Im the one who wants to seperate--i cant go back--He wont give me what I want in life--I want kids, someone to show affection towards me, I want to be able to get ahead in the world a little--he has no drive to do any of these things with me--what am I supposed to do?? I refuse to live my life unhappy--but it doesnt stop it from hurting---i hate this!!


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## Downandsad (Apr 9, 2012)

Wrote a long letter to the H last night--he read it and told me he thanks me for being there for he and his kids, he said he's sorry for wasting 9 years of my life--I said you didnt waste my life--then I stayed in bed and went to eat and to my moms by myself--I got so down--but its easier here at the house, he is giving me my space and I am glad--it actually isnt too much different than before as we didnt do anything but sit here--I do miss him coming and cooking in the kitchen and stuff--but I like the space also--its refreshing kind of--back to my letter I told him about everything I have been feeling--I guess him not wanting kids is true--cause he mentioned nothing about that--so I know I am on the right path--just dont know when I will be able to make a move--to get out--I will start saving and hopefully it wont be too much longer--I am down and depressed -I still cant eat too much, I go to bed once I reach my level with my buddy--budlight--and I just exist--but its really no difference--for me---I guess--


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## Downandsad (Apr 9, 2012)

Well the H came to me today and asked me if there was anything he could do for me to forgive him, It was so hard to even talk to him--but I finally said I am not mad at you and I forgive you--and he said but you dont want to be with me?? And I said yeah--I am moving on and not looking back---I am tired of his ungrateful kids, fam and him--I can do bad all by myself and can feel alone with only me and my doggie--I am thru stick a fork in me I am done--I dont have any regrets--I love him and care for him but I gotta make myself happy and since he showed no concern in the past--I am not going to go back and give him any more chances--Tired of crying and begging--you should have given me that a long time ago and now I want to be alone---I am feeling positive


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Glad you're coming to a decision, downandsad.

Once you begin moving on, you will see the many opportunities for change and growth that will come your way. Seize them!

You said you reach your level with your buddy, budlight, and go to bed. If you're talking about beer, PLEASE don't turn to drinking to ease the lonliness or pain! Read enlightening books, play with your dog, pack some things...anything that is POSITIVE towards becoming a happier, more independent person is better than drinking!


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## Downandsad (Apr 9, 2012)

Today is really hard for me, I keep replaying him coming to me and asking me if there is anything he can do for me to forgive him. I want to be with him but I know I cant. I know it will only go back to the way it was, I know he doesnt want children, I know I will be right back where I am in 6 months--I am trying to be strong and not break down--I am at work and I just want to hide under my desk and cry. I know drinking wont help, but thats how I dealt with everything in the past. I have to find something positive to do because its only hurting me. I am thinking about seeing a IC since I cant seem to do this by myself.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Get into IC. You're RIGHT...it IS a good solution to helping you formulate a plan that will enable you to reach your goals. Your counselor will

1. Help you decide what YOU want your life to look like in 5yrs, 10yrs, 20yrs.

2. Help you formulate a step-by-step plan to achieve the goals in life that are important to YOU.

3. Help you see that you are not a 'helpless victim' of previous choices. Use them as the LEARNING TOOLS they are to decide what you do/don't want in life, what you will/won't accept in future relationships, what is/isn't REALLY important to you. Your marriage was NOT 'time wasted.' It helped you learn more about yourself, it helped you grow. Think of the POSITIVES in it; learn the lessons from the negatives and move on.

4. Help you FORGIVE YOURSELF for making mistakes. We ALL make them...every day, every month, every year. Just determine NOT to make the SAME mistakes over and over again. 

5. Help you learn newer and BETTER coping mechanisms than drinking. It will solve NOTHING and will, in fact, create NEW PROBLEMS you will have to resolve.

You're a good person! You're flawed as we all are, but you're learning and growing. FORGIVE YOURSELF and accept what is in the past. Learn the lessons and keep moving forward. I think once you are physically out of your home (or your H is), you will start to feel more positive that YOU can make GOOD, IMPORTANT changes in your life whenever you want to or need to!

Hang in there, downandsad! (And you might want to consider changing your name on this site...to something that reminds you that YOU are taking charge of your life now and making changes that are important to YOU.) (*hugs*)


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## soconfused1984 (Apr 19, 2012)

i'm so proud of you girl!!!! yea i do also advice you to take IC it and I'm pretty sure you will get though this victoriously! don't let this bring you down and steal the good things in your life like enjoying your kids and yourself, at least he was understading and willing to accept your decision, although he still insists, i think that is normal maybe he's been really thinking about how much he has hurt you but if he wants to change, that's good, but he can do it for himself to learn his lesson so that he'll be able to be a better person in the future and don't hurt anyone else...I did told my husband i wanted out also this weekend and i feel good!!!!! hehe...cheer up, look up, stay strong, stay positive, enjoy the good things everyday life brings you, cus eventhough you think there aren't any, trust there are!!!! Good luck girly, keep us posted =)


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## Downandsad (Apr 9, 2012)

Thanks, I read your post and I wanted to give you advice, man you are really strong, but I cant give you advice right now--I dont think I could be helpful right now---but I can say I will be there for you---stay strong and keep your head up, do what you have to do for your son!! As for me, it will take time and I think I have to move out or something, he tries to come and talk to me and things like everything is okay but I keep pushing him away--then I cry cause I feel bad--but I have to stick with it--like I said, I will be right back here in 6months asking for advice again--Im tired --and done!


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## soconfused1984 (Apr 19, 2012)

thanks so much! yeah i wish i could give you best advice but hearing each other out and supporting eachother helps alot and i mean ALOT cus in this circumstances we feel lonely, sad and specially GUILTY! yes i do feel bad too for my husband when he apologized but i thought about how many times we've been here in the same situation for 6 yrs!!! so i was like nop! not anymore! stay strong and think about your happiness =) thanks for your support and reading my post =)


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## Downandsad (Apr 9, 2012)

Well, this is the second week since I told the H how I was feeling and told him I wanted to seperate--why is it now that I somehow miss him? We live in the same house, but we dont talk except the occasional see ya or hey. I miss the closeness we shared, I miss the silly little things that we used to do, to make each other laugh--even though we had a lot of problems and I wasnt happy--now I miss him--I know we cant be together but it doesnt stop my feelings! I cant understand why he could never give me the things I needed. He says he doesnt want to split up but I still get nothing if I choose to stay--just the comfort of being with someone--no kids, no affection--I wish I could keep him in my life and get what I need from him too--this is not fair--I never thought any of this would happen--I love him so much--but why do I have to be the one who is sad when I feel that I always tried to work on the marriage and let things go--but now I am the one who loses out--just to find happiness and its ironic cause I am not happy--I dont know if I ever will be!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Hang in there...some days are better than others.

Remember, you are moving forward with your life. You are reaching for the goals and hopes and dreams you always had (like being a mother.) Nothing will be solved in a week, or a month, or a year. But every day is a step in the right direction.


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## Downandsad (Apr 9, 2012)

Well, at least I made it thru this semester in school(college), I didnt think I had the strength--I was taking a couple of finals last night and the H kept bothering me--ughh--I got so mad, then he acts like he's hurt or something--so selfish. I looked in the paper today for apartments and realize its going to take a while for me to save up enough money. I still have to pay the rent on the house we are in now--and the car payment, so I will try and put back a little at a time and eventually I will have enough to get some space. I am so irritated--


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## Downandsad (Apr 9, 2012)

Had another cryfest with the H today--he started actin like everything was fine and nothing ever was said or anything--then was like--what arent you talking to me??---I told him I mean what I said and I need some space--and of course I had to go thru everything again--no affection--and I had to explain it--like how can you get a hug from your wife and just leave ur arms dangling at your side or how can you never tell me im pretty or how can you never just come and hold me or anything---all things I have begged for in the past--its like he doesnt hear me when I have told him these things--so i had to go thru--as my husband you should want to hold me and touch me--not just have sex and thats the only touching i get--and i didnt even get to the finances--him writing all those checks to the check cashing places and never told me i didnt menation how he doesnt want to do better in life and have a more comfortable life without living paycheck to paycheck--not to mention he told me he doesnt want kids--I just told him I have no emotional connection to him--I love him omg i do--but what else do I have to do?? He has never said i do anything wrong--so why cant he just want me--or think im pretty--or just want to come and give me a hug---i start doubting myself--and he doesnt understand that--i tried to explain and as always he said nothing--then went out of the room, went outside, went to the store and ate and went to bed--as usual-I did tell him I need space to figure out if I want to be alone or if I can try and work thru things--I told him I have my wall up and I am afraid of being hurt again--I am too old to be going thru this--I want a family as I was adopted and I just want to be a mom --with my hubby --someone who wants what i want---I dont know--I am rambling--I wish I could just leave and I wouldnt look back--I have never been this depressed in my life--that I cant eat--Its crazy and I have tried so many times to give him chances to change--I cant anymore--and still I dont know what to do--or where to start over--I feel for people who have kids involved--its hard enough by myself---This sucks but I hope it will get better!


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## Buildingblocks (Apr 22, 2012)

@Downandsad....sometimes men need a kick to their backs to get their head straight. I'm saying this as men are wired differently and we think everything's a-okay. Simply do not think like a woman. You telling him divorce just might have brought him into reality. 
If he's willing to go to MC with you then i think you two should give it one last shot. Remember that 5 years down the line you shouldn't have any regrets of not having tried everything to save a marriage. 
People have overcome infidelity to now have an extraordinary relationship. There is no better place than here to see some of that examples.


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## Downandsad (Apr 9, 2012)

Well, I got tired of walking around the house not speaking to my H and just barely making it thru the day--depressed--so I asked him if we could talk and be civil with one another until we can save up enough money to seperate. I told him that I dont talk to him or anything because I dont want to send him the wrong signals that everything is ok. He said it was fine and afterwards I wasnt sure if that was the right thing to do. I had a weak moment and was intimate with him and afterwards broke down--he told me he knows that just because we did this he knows we still have a lot to work on and we are not even close to everything being ok. I am scared that I am just going to drop everything again and end up back on here in 6 months typing about the same issues. I am trying so hard to just wait until I can save up some money so we can seperate, I dont know if I want to be in this marriage--is it wrong to seperate just to try and start over to see if it will be different or should I already know by his actions in the past? I am confused now and although I love him deeply, I am scared to open myself up to him again--I want him in my life but I know he isnt going to change--and I want children, its so hard to just let it go and move on when you are living in the same house. I feel so confused---


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## confused&unhappy (Apr 23, 2012)

I am there with you..on the scared of starting over. But the best quote I ever heard is "Beginnings are usually scary, endings are usually sad but it's what happens in the middle that counts". I am not "scared" to be on my own its the act of leaving and starting over. I am 42 with two kids but I am convinced more and more every day that we three would be better off. That's what I have to keep telling myself over and over. You deserve to be in a pedastle to be loved and held and told you are beautiful...every woman deserves that and you are not an exception. Men are just grown children but they need to support their wives, encourage and take "care of." Not that we need taking care of because I believe women are stronger than men and if we ran all the countries in the world it would be a better world. I whole heartedly believe this. But you say he live paycheck to paycheck and has no desire to have a better life. This can bring a man down, to humanize them. If he cant provide for you the life you deserve, and I'm not saying a flashy lifestyle or 5 cars or diamonds, but a comfortable stress free life, it makes him feel like less of a man. He's supposed to be the provider, the matriarch, the rock of the household. This can effect showing love for you, it can effect affection, motivation, decision making. It's not you, I'm sure he loves you but he is depressed and he is bringing you down too. Let me give you a perfect example. When my H and I were first dating we would have "relations" constantly. We would fool around in the car, at work (we worked together and we would sneak to an empty office and not have sex but kiss and be all giddy), etc... The other day we were driving and I leaned over just to give him a kiss and he said "I'm driving here." I said "what??? I just wanted a kiss, you had no problems do more than that when we started dating." His response which was irrelevant but this is what he thinks about constantly "well back then we didn't have all these responsiblities, like a mortgage, car payments, bills... (his house was paid for when we met and we moved to a bigger house, bought a big truck to pull our camper...)." What does all that have to do with a kiss??? Nothing but that's his mind and if your H is so stressed about money that he is struggling paycheck to paycheck he can't focus on what's really important...YOU and your relationship. I have decided that we will be better off on our own, less stress. I know I will have to make sacrifices bc I don't make a whole lot and I think that's what scares me the most but I am strong and I know I can do it. So can you. You deserve to be happy and you CAN'T make him be happy only he can. Don't waste anymore of your life waiting on him to get his crap together...you will hate him later and regret not doing something now. Look in the mirror and tell yourself you deserve the best. You deserve to be loved and hugged and kissed without asking. Stand tall and stand up for yourself. It will be scary but when you can look yourself in the face in the mirror and smile effortlessly you will be happy you did.


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## confused&unhappy (Apr 23, 2012)

One more thing. Listen to the words, I mean really listen to the words, in Kelly Clarksons song "Stronger". It is such a great song because I am a true believer in "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."!!!!!!!!


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## Downandsad (Apr 9, 2012)

Wow thanks so much, I know that it is best that we seperate, I know that he might change for a couple of months and I will be back where I am--your words are encouraging and thanks so much for responding with such a long post--its like people do actually care enough to give their honest opinions on here even when they are going thru tough situations as well. I am sorry you are also experiencing this and I know with your children its much more difficult for you. And like you I have gotten the turn aways and sighs when I tried to show affection. It makes you feel like you're nasty or something--like what is wrong with me that this person who says he loves me doesnt want me to touch him and doesnt want to touch me. Just make sure you do as you have told me--I am going to try and stay strong and get thru this--because like you said I am the only person who can make myself happy---this is such a support--just when I think I am lost and not sure--someone sends me a supportive message--I know what I must do, its not going to be easy--I am sure it will get worse--but at the end of the day when all is said and done--I am hoping to be happy! At least if I am alone, I dont have to depend on anyone to tell me how I look or to hug me or anything--I can finally try and love myself--then maybe oneday someone else will come along!


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## Downandsad (Apr 9, 2012)

Well, not a good day--Last night, the H's phone was ringing--he didnt answer it, I told him "You can answer your phone.", he said it was either his sister or his ex wife (they both have the same name). I dont know why he didnt answer it, he said you can look at it if you want, I said no thats ok. Then he goes into the kitchen and it rings again and still didnt answer it--hmmm--I dont know why this bothered me like it did--but even though I am wanting to seperate--I still care about him and now I'm getting jealous--wth?? Ughhh--I know its wrong, but before I went to bed, I looked for his phone but couldnt find it--just to take a look--oh well, I dont know if he did all of that on purpose just to make me feel jealous or what. We were having an ok night too, we had decided to try and get along and at least talk a little bit--since we both live in the same house--so it wouldnt be so awkward all the time. Now I dont want to talk to him again--I might just be going nuts--maybe he really didnt want to talk to whoever called and it may have been his sister--I think I am losing it--


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## Downandsad (Apr 9, 2012)

After numerous conversations and lots of thinking, I decided to give my marriage a 6 month trial to see if we can work things out. I have let my h know what he needs to do and he agreed he would do anything to make it work. I did however let him know that if he isnt taking steps to change then I am moving out in november.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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