# Hello all, new to this site. Really need advice



## jtrident1 (Dec 5, 2017)

Hello again all, I am here to get some feedback to see if I am handling my situation the correct way? I have been together with my spouse for 7 years and we have been married for 5. I recently found out she had an affair at the end of last year during October/November 2016. My wife's mother past in Ohio back in July 2016 and she went to the funeral. I couldn't go due to my job and caring for our son. 

While she was up there she met a lot of her old friends because she use to stay there 30 years ago. She asked me if it was okay if she traveled and stay up there once a month to look after her stepfather because he was taking her mother's death hard. I agreed because I did not have any doubts about her being unfaithful. She also said she was going to be catching up with old friends from her middle school. I admit I found that strange but because I trusted her I agreed. She started traveling once sometimes twice a month, and then in October she started coming home with these shirts from a local Ohio DJ. She said it was a old friend that she went to middle school with. 

I know we had been going through a financial situation because she was really into slot machines at the casino. I started to become stress and distant do to that and wasn't showing the same affection to her and she noticed.

Long story short, I went in her car on 11/3/2017 and saw a tape recorder on her front seat. So I pushed play because I was curious why she had a recorder. Then I heard her speaking to another man on the phone, she had recorded their conversations. Not one but at least eight recordings, so I confronted her. She said she had an affair that lasted 2 months with this DJ guy from her past. They dated when the were 14 years old, 14!!!. I was hurt and devastated, I couldn't believe this because this woman had been cheated on in the past multiple time in different relationships. I asked her why did you record him without him knowing and she wanted to use it as evidence to give to his wife if he didn't leave her alone. She had 5 shirts that he had given her and I recently threw them away. She also had photos of all his personal information, like, social, DL, address, DOB. After a couple of days, I started asking her about details of how it happen and she revealed that she thought I was cheating because I had changed how affectionate I was with her. She was feeling vulnerable and thought I had someone and this guy would call her and talk to her everyday because she was hurting about losing her mom. One week she went up there and went out to dinner with this guy and end up sleeping with him. She claims she slept with him three times but I don't believe that. She told me she had cut off all contact with him and showed me screenshots of text conversation with this guy about how she wanted to end things. She claims she ended everything in Dec 2016 because she felt really guilty. I told her she was wrong about me cheating and I had been faithful to her and I was depressed due to our money issues. 

We have had multiple arguements and I told her I wanted to get a divorce. She said she wanted to save our marriage and she was sorry for what she had done. I told her we will take things slow but she could ever go to Ohio again without me. Then on 11/18/17, she said her friend wanted her to travel about fours hours away to go to a Job interview but need someone to ride with her, I was very hesitant and it took me a while to agree but I wanted to try to reestablish some type of trust. On the day she was suppose to go I checked for outgoing flights from our local airport to Ohio without her knowing. What do you know, there was a flight leaving the morning at the same time she was suppose to leave with her friend. I went through her bag and found a confirmation number for the same flight. I confronted her right away and told her if she got on that flight we were done. She pleaded with me and cried and ran out the door. I blocked her *** and packed all my **** up and left. I finally unblocked her number and she had to have called and texted me 50 times. Saying please don't leave her and she only wanted to get all of her items from her stepdad's house. She came back the following day and called/texted all day pleading for me just to talk to her. I ignored them all and finally responded that evening. She begged me to come by and talk in person. I don't know if I made the right choice but I did. Please keep in mind that she had been traveling once a month up to Ohio all 2017 but she claimed she did not have contact in 2017 with him. What is worst is that this is a married man also and she said he was made her feel guilty about never coming back to Ohio to be with him. I put her statements about no contact to the test. On 11/21/17, I went to Best buy and bought a Voice activated recorder and put it inside her car before she went to work. The night before we had just had an arguement and weren't talking. I apologized that morning then placed the device in the car. Later that day, I retrieved the recorder and listened. She was in the car crying and then got a call for this A**hole, she started to criticized me to him about letting her go up Ohio so much and I lost it. I confronted her and told "F" this marriage, give my divorce. She said I said hurtful thing the night before and she need to vent to someone because only a few people knew what happen. Out of all the people in the world she reached out to this goofy looking Dbag. She begged me not to go and pleaded that she could not be with out me. I think she can't stand the thought of me with another woman. She tells me, this guy doesn't compare to me and she use to fight with this guy all the time because he would get upset about her talking about how great I was. I put down an ultimatum and told her a date. I told her I don't care how you do it and what you tell this goofy looking Dbag, get rid of him. If you love me so much and don't want to lose me than end it all. Get rid of everything dealing with this guy and if I come across anything I will abandon this marriage without a divorce. She knows I have been making plans and have set up somewhere to live. The only thing she will know is where I work and my email address. She said she is terrified of losing me and will do what ever it takes. I am sorry this is so long but I wanted to give you a good look at my situation. Am I making the right choice f giving her on last chance? I would appreciate any feedback.


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## Ckone1800 (Jul 13, 2015)

Not in my opinion. You’ve given her many opportunities, and she keeps going back to him. 

More importantly, you have shown her that she can continue this affair without losing you by whispering sweet nothings that you want to hear. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

The first time you exposed her lying to you about no contact should have been the last.

File.

Be done with her.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Moved to "Coping With Infidelity" forum.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

No more chances, including the one you just gave her. 

Take it back and kick her to the curb.

Unless you're a glutton for punishment.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

IMHO, you are NOT making the right choice to give her another chance. 

Short M ... doesn't sound like there's any kids ... time to cut your losses ... she's simply NOT marriage material.

Look ... you already gave her One last chance and she **** on it. She even went to OH after you knew about her deceitful plans. She's no good ... pure and simple. Time to lawyer up and move on.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You draw a line in the sand,she steps over it and spits on it for good measure.
Your solution? draw another line.
She knows she can do whatever she wants and her white knight will come to her rescue.
Never give an ultimatum that you are not prepared to keep.The first time you backed down your wife lost whatever little respect she had for you.
You need to stop talking and actually do something.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Why didn't you find OM's wife and expose? Shouldn't be hard if he's a DJ and well known.

You need to do this today. Expose to OM's wife. Don't tell your wife. Wait to see if she finds out. Then when she does, wait to see what her reaction is. This will tell you if reconciliation has a chance.

There are consequences when you go ****ting on other people's yard. Start giving her and him consequences.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I would file D. Trust is long gone. It will never return. Your WW made her bed. You understand the rest.

And to be sure, tell the W of OM. She needs to know. In fact, use the recording your W created.


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## jtrident1 (Dec 5, 2017)

This is it I am not waiting for a divorce, I stay in FL and I can just walk away and deal with the divorce later. I know she doesn't deserve another chance. I am no punching bag, just want to make it work but I have already prepared my mind for the separation. The date I gave her just past and I am on high alert waiting for her A** to slip. I know it might not be the right choice and I understand I might be setting myself up. I want to walk out this knowing I gave it a shot, I have cut off love ones before and I will do it again. I am not trying to save her but I know people "F" up sometimes and lose their and I'm no saint myself, i guess that's the only reason. She had a real bad gambling problem that crippled our finances and she end up coming to her senses. This time I told her I don't have anymore time to waste on her and I made it clear, there is no reconciliation at all. 

The dudes wife found about the relationship last year and told my wife she wasn't leaving him. Thanks for your responses. This has helped me, and I really need to vent.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

jtrident1 said:


> This is it I am not waiting for a divorce, I stay in FL and I can just walk away and deal with the divorce later. I know she doesn't deserve another chance. I am no punching bag, just want to make it work but I have already prepared my mind for the separation. The date I gave her just past and I am on high alert waiting for her A** to slip. I know it might not be the right choice and I understand I might be setting myself up. I want to walk out this knowing I gave it a shot, I have cut off love ones before and I will do it again. I am not trying to save her but I know people "F" up sometimes and lose their and I'm no saint myself, i guess that's the only reason. She had a real bad gambling problem that crippled our finances and she end up coming to her senses. This time I told her I don't have anymore time to waste on her and I made it clear, there is no reconciliation at all.
> 
> The dudes wife found about the relationship last year and told my wife she wasn't leaving him. Thanks for your responses. This has helped me, and I really need to vent.


We are here if you need to vent some more. Good luck in your resolve.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

jtrident1 said:


> She said she is *terrified* of losing me and will do what ever it takes.


So terrified, that she broke no contact twice by calling him and attempting to fly to see him. 

Look, at this point your wife needs to receive consequences; especially after you erased your line in the sand. I'm sure she thinks she can talk and cry her way out of this again. 

You need to implement the 180, see an attorney, and start the divorce process. Have her served. She needs to feel the full weight of losing her husband for cheating and she needs to feel it for weeks or months. About the length of time it takes to make the D final.

If by some small chance she completely turns around during that period, you can opt to delay the D and reconsider R. But given that time to consider what she has done and who she is; you may very well realize that D would be your best outcome.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Tell her that you are leaving, she had too many chances and now both you and the OM are gone gone gone. Have an nice life b1tch! Repeat this sentence to your wife, as you leave: I am going to go find a better woman than you. Someone younger, prettier, and will not fu(k an old middle school BF, and has more morals than an old wh0re like yourself.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i suspect she is still holding back information....has she told you everything ? is she saying that those were the only times? is she willing to take a polygraph?


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## jtrident1 (Dec 5, 2017)

I feel you, i told her to go be with the Dbag in OH. She told me she considering moving there last year and leaving me. she said she realized that she wanted to save her marriage. on one of the recordings the Dbag was pressuring her to move and she would say anything to him. It seemed like he was trying everything to get her to leave me. He even told her to tell me about the affair and she wouldn't. I asked her why she would not give up on the marriage and she said she asked me before what I would do if she cheats and I responded I would leave your ass. She stated that terrified her and so she kept it a secret. 

I told her I would send her in first class to that Dbag. But she found out do is a 47 year old nobody DJ, that broke and lives on social media chasing other women. Worst thing is buddy just broke his pelvic and tail bone in his back. I don't wish bad on nobody but karma is a b****. I told her to have fun and she got pissed off.


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## jtrident1 (Dec 5, 2017)

I found out he got injured because he posted it on his instagram page


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

She's only been thinking of herself the entire time.

She's terrified because divorce is not what SHE wants.

None of it is about what YOU want.

She's a selfish cheating c**t.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You already gave it a few shots. How hard is it to understand what a marriage means? She doesn't get it.

Ask yourself, do you want to be with a wife who has sex with another man? ...(I'm using nice words)


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

jtrident1 said:


> I feel you, i told her to go be with the Dbag in OH. She told me she considering moving there last year and leaving me. she said she realized that she wanted to save her marriage. on one of the recordings the Dbag was pressuring her to move and she would say anything to him. It seemed like he was trying everything to get her to leave me. He even told her to tell me about the affair and she wouldn't. I asked her why she would not give up on the marriage and she said she asked me before what *I would do if she cheats and I responded I would leave your ass*. She stated that terrified her and so she kept it a secret.


Stick to it.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How did she treat you since her mom died. The reason I ask is she has been banging him stadily since the funeral. I’ve heard of this before. The reason I ask about how she has been with you is to judge her state of mind. If she cut back or cut you off sexually, did sex increase, any changes in her shaving or other personal habits. Dressing differently, phone usage etc. look at the phone records. 
I will tell you right now, Fla is hell on fathers that divorce no matter what she did. 
Can you document everything especially her gambling?


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## jtrident1 (Dec 5, 2017)

After her mother passed. We continued our relationship like nothing was going on. She started purchasing more sexy underwear and she already was tight with her phone but She guarded it like it was her life. She never mentioned OH at all before mother's passing, she refused to go up there because she was going through something with her mother. I will admit that I held back a lot out of relationship because the gambling was getting to me and I did cut back on sexual contact because of the stress, I was going through. i just felt like she did not care about our family's money issues enough. I got laid off and bills started to pile up. It doesn't excuse her of the choices she made but, I can look back on it an recognize, I was fighting my own demons. She said that she gained weight and felt like I wasn't attracted to her anymore because she would see me look at other woman.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

jtrident1 said:


> After her mother passed. We continued our relationship like nothing was going on. She started purchasing more sexy underwear and she already was tight with her phone but She guarded it like it was her life. She never mentioned OH at all before mother's passing, she refused to go up there because she was going through something with her mother. I will admit that I held back a lot out of relationship because the gambling was getting to me and I did cut back on sexual contact because of the stress, I was going through. i just felt like she did not care about our family's money issues enough. I got laid off and bills started to pile up. It doesn't excuse her of the choices she made but, I can look back on it an recognize, I was fighting my own demons. She said that she gained weight and felt like I wasn't attracted to her anymore because she would see me look at other woman.


don't buy into her story that is BS...and you know it...there is NO excuse to justify her actions...NONE...you talk about, you go to therapy but you don't jump on the bone of a 47 year old loser DJ. 

I have a sense she will fail you again but if you are a glut for punishment then go at it.


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## jtrident1 (Dec 5, 2017)

Thanks for the feed back, this helped me. Keep you guys posted


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

jtrident1 said:


> I was fighting my own demons. She said that she gained weight and felt like I wasn't attracted to her anymore because she would see me look at other woman.


It's your business to clean up your act and your side of the street. It's not your job to take the blame for the actions of others. Just like it's her responsibility to straighten herself out without screwing another guy because she feels bad about herself.

She's a project, not a partner. 

Good Luck


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Your wife is very weak and damaged and so are you. You can only save yourself so do not try and get involved with your wife in any way…Force yourself to focus only on yourself so you can save your emotional health and serious permanent damage.


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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

Yes. You are making a mistake. You are a doormat. She will NEVER take anything you say as serious because you always take her back. Go file for a divorce. Also tell the dudes wife.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Yoda says "Insecurity is strong in this one........"
It doesn't sound like your wife will ever grow out of her child like ways.
She wants a father figure, not a responsible husband.
Sorry but I can't see any other healthy option for you than D.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

jtrident1:
If you are bound and determined to see this through;
1.) File - Tell her she has until the divorce is final to convince you to stay.
2.) Full timeline of the affair to be followed by polygraph. 
3.) Polygraph - Tell her if she fails on anything, that is the kiss of death.
4.) In-house separation. 
5.) 180.
6.) Full transparency on all media.
7.) No more threats without following through.
8.) She goes to IC.
9.) Inform the other spouse of any new information that she does not have.
10.)Get yourself into IC.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Didn’t read all that.

Don’t really have to, though —

She’s lying.

File for divorce first thing tomorrow morning.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*She keeps gaslighting, getting caught up in her lies, and expects you to always be there for her, no matter what!

Just how much more proof of infidelity do you really need? 

You need to be in a lawyer’s office planning to lose her unfaithful a$$!*


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

OP.....

Listen to the others......she has had her chances.....

You need to stop backing away from your ‘redlines’.....you place them out there, she ignores and breaks it, and all you have done is set a new demand the you ‘really mean this time’.

Plus stop believing anything she is telling you about the A....she is minimizing and lying to protect herself....PERIOD.

And who told you the BW of this POS knows about the A, confronted your WW, and simply swears she won’t leave this jacka** OM?

Was it your lying WW?

You need to confirm for YOURSELF that his BW knows about the A.....sounds to me like your WW has told you this bullsh*t to protect her scummy lover boy.

I say that because this POS sure seems to be forcefully and openly pursuing the A with your WW for a man who supposedly got caught by his BW.

I would bet money that OBS does NOT know about the A, and your WW told you that crap to divert you from contacting his BW to protect the POS.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Wow, you married quite a musician. She plays you beautifully.
If i were you, I would quit the band.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

jtrident1 said:


> I think she can't stand the thought of me with another woman.


This is quite common and not unheard of, the stories of "wife wanting to open the marriage up thinking the husband won't be able to do sh*t anyway, but pleading to him to stop in tears after the hubby beds the third gal" are a plenty even on here. People call it "the cheater's hypocrisy", I call it "Too much freedom for the clueless b!tch syndrome".




jtrident1 said:


> She tells me, this guy doesn't compare to me and she use to fight with this guy all the time because he would get upset about her talking about how great I was.


I don't suppose you're THAT naive to actually believe in this horseshyt. But judging from your history of forgiveness, which you hand out so handsomely, maybe you are.




jtrident1 said:


> I put down an ultimatum and told her a date. I told her I don't care how you do it and what you tell this goofy looking Dbag, get rid of him. If you love me so much and don't want to lose me than end it all. Get rid of everything dealing with this guy and if I come across anything I will abandon this marriage without a divorce.


Inadequate.



jtrident1 said:


> She knows I have been making plans and have set up somewhere to live.


You leave your marital house, you're borked. Don't. 



jtrident1 said:


> She said she is terrified of losing me and will do what ever it takes.


Have I seen that movie before? Yeah it was titled "False R and then some" I think.



jtrident1 said:


> Am I making the right choice f giving her on last chance? I would appreciate any feedback.


You gave her the umpteenth chance and it's clear she won't let go of this man. What will you do next time? What consequences will she be presented with?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Let me get this straight... 


She's:

1: A cheater
2. A lier
3. Overweight
4. An addicted gambler

What other lovely characteristics would you like to add?

You are right to start looking at other woman. What man wouldn't be looking over at the other grass? Any grass is greener when yours is dirt. 

If I were you, I'd start using her for her money while you start looking to exit the marriage. Start working on yourself, get into amazing shape, dress nicely, get a new truck. Try to get enough out of her your wife for a down payment on a nice town home. See what other women are out there waiting for you. You only live once and your marriage has been dead for a while.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

jtrident, I urge you to file for divorce immediately. One hopes that you have a good accounting of the funds that she gambled away, as I would make this a part of your settlement. It may not fly in court, but it gives her an insurmountable wall to climb mentally. You have given her chance after chance after chance, and she blew it. If I had found that ticket in her purse, I would have cashed it, bought two fares, and made her a happy divorce present to OM and his wife. Then I would cash her return ticket, and go home first class, without her.


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

Did you know she was seeing the Dofus dj when you asked and she said this!

' I asked her why she would not give up on the marriage and she said she asked me before what I would do if she cheats and I responded I would leave your ass. She stated that terrified her and so she kept it a secret."

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

I guess it's ok if this is really truly a "last" chance. Haven't you already given her "last" chances before and she screwed them up? I worry that since there hasn't been any life-altering consequences of her blowing all the other chances that you've given her that she's going to believe that you're bluffing when it comes to "last" chances and divorce ultimatums. So far you have so in her mind how will this "last" chance be any different?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She's a gambling addict and a cheater. At the very least she shows she has an addictive personality. 

If you stay with this woman she will ruin you financially and emotionally.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

It's like being a shark with no teeth.

You threaten but don't really follow through.

The only way to get closure is to be a closer.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

jtrident1 said:


> Hello again all, I am here to get some feedback to see if I am handling my situation the correct way? I have been together with my spouse for 7 years and we have been married for 5. I recently found out she had an affair at the end of last year during October/November 2016. My wife's mother past in Ohio back in July 2016 and she went to the funeral. I couldn't go due to my job and caring for our son.
> 
> While she was up there she met a lot of her old friends because she use to stay there 30 years ago. She asked me if it was okay if she traveled and stay up there once a month to look after her stepfather because he was taking her mother's death hard. I agreed because I did not have any doubts about her being unfaithful. She also said she was going to be catching up with old friends from her middle school. I admit I found that strange but because I trusted her I agreed. She started traveling once sometimes twice a month, and then in October she started coming home with these shirts from a local Ohio DJ. She said it was a old friend that she went to middle school with.
> 
> ...


Divorce her she has had too many chances. if you are really meant to be together the divorce may have her get her **** together and realize how much of a fool she has been and you can maybe figure it our in the future, personally though there are tons of loyal good people out there so i would move on.

I say this in every post I write because it still shocks me as i thought my life was over during/after the divorce but............I am so happy and it was a great thing to happen to me my new GF is everything I wanted and everything my XW was not, supportive, kind, affectionate, fun, adventurous etc etc.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

OP,

It's not often I read a story that has the cheater getting 3 chances before the end of it. You have set quite the president. I suggest you start a new one by filing immediately and having her ass served asap!

And also do exactly what you were thinking of doing with that tape. Send a copy to the posom wife!


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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

Even if you still way to have a relationship with her you should get a divorce. She needs a wake up call. Also by not telling his wife your allowing the affair to continue you are also allowing his wife to be cheated on by withholding that information. Every day so another day that OMs wife can't get back and invest in that relationship with a cheating man. Do the right thing and tell her.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

I cant believe your asking the question. Of Course you are doing the right thing. You should of ended this ages ago.

The only reason she wants to save the marriage is so she can preserve her cosy little world for which you provide for.

Tomorrows agenda should read Book a Divorce Attorney


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Your life will just get worse if you stay with her. That is just the facts.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Sounds like she was ready to leave you for him, but he refused to leave his wife. So she kept you as plan B and you complied 2 or 3 times.

And what does she bring to the marriage anyway? Gambling debt and possible diseases from her player boyfriend?

I can tell from your writing and thought process that you're a quality person. She's not. Find a good woman. Leave this one in the dust.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

jtrident1 said:


> This is it I am not waiting for a divorce, I stay in FL and I can just walk away and deal with the divorce later. I know she doesn't deserve another chance. I am no punching bag, just want to make it work but I have already prepared my mind for the separation. The date I gave her just past and I am on high alert waiting for her A** to slip. I know it might not be the right choice and I understand I might be setting myself up. I want to walk out this knowing I gave it a shot, I have cut off love ones before and I will do it again. I am not trying to save her but I know people "F" up sometimes and lose their and I'm no saint myself, i guess that's the only reason. She had a real bad gambling problem that crippled our finances and she end up coming to her senses. This time I told her I don't have anymore time to waste on her and I made it clear, there is no reconciliation at all.
> 
> The dudes wife found about the relationship last year and told my wife she wasn't leaving him. Thanks for your responses. This has helped me, and I really need to vent.


Your wife is a cheater, a gambler, a liar, a manipulator, and a thief to your finances. What is there to save? Let go and find a wife who deserves you!


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

jtrident1, the OP, has asked for advice and has gotten near unanimous advice from this forum. He can continue to just talk or he can act and save himself from financial and emotional ruin!


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## RonP (Dec 6, 2017)

You don't need this. Show her your are not her plan B.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

This is what I read. 

Do it again and I am leaving!

Ok

Do it agaaiinn and I am leave!

Saying this one time, do it again and I am leaving!

You keep saying it and you are still with her. :scratchhead:


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