# Please help lost depressed and scared



## Atemiwaza

I'm a married man for 7 years with a beautiful wife that I love dearly we have 2 children and overall have had a healthy relationship. I'm here for help a few recent events that took many years for me to realize I put my wife in the background and made the marriage about me I came to terms and apologized for the heartache I put her through little attention always blamed her for problems and not ever helping with kids and house chores she did them all. I'm not a controlling person and have made improvements on where I lacked in the marriage. She now has come to me stating she feels like she wants her freedoms back and told me she loves me and would never hurt me but asked me for my thoughts on an open marriage and it was just a thought of hers but feel that is the freedom she wants back.how do I respond to this with a woman I am so dearly in love with I did tell her I can't share her with other men and that she means the whole world to me everytime I asked her questions on why she felt this way or any questions upon this subject she tells me I don't know. Please help don't want my marriage to end.


----------



## EleGirl

Sorry you need to be here. But welcome just the same. 

I think telling her that no, you will not agree to an open marriage is a good start. What she's wanting to do will distory your marriage. So there is no reason you should agree to that.

Ask her to give your marriage more time. You love her and you have 2 young children. 

There are some books that I think would help you restructure your marriage: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Get them read them in that order and do the work that they say to do.

Then ask your wife to read them with you and the two of you do the work together. The reason I suggest that you read them and do the work first is that by doing it you will learn a lot about what makes a loving, passionate marriage. So then you can help guide the process when you read the books together.

"Love Busters" is read first because you have to figure out the love busters and stop them before you can move on to meeting each others needs. Love busters are those things that make a person fall out of love.... like all the things you mention in your above post. 

The good thing is that if you both do what the books suggest, you can rebuild the love and passion to be much stronger than it ever has been.

{No i don't make any money on the books. They are just great books.  }

How old are you and your wife?

Does she have a job outside the home?

I hate to bring this up, but is there any chance that she is already cheating or has someone in mind? Could that be why she's asking for an open marriage?


----------



## Atemiwaza

My wife is same age 31 I adopted my step daughter now 9 and my son with her now 6 I asked if she has cheated already or if another man of interest was there she replied no to both and that she does love me and doesn't want to hurt me. She recently started a job for a few months now after being stay at home mom for almost our whole marriage. She keeps telling me that it was just a thought. I do trust her and she is a very honest woman. I appreciate the books you mentioned and will get them. It will be hopefully a good leap in the right direction. I understand I made her feel not loved attention deprived and made her feel like just an object to me. I feel like she is tugging on the most hurtful heart strings and broke down to research and came across this website. I'm a hard working man I work many hours a week. And she is only part time. I've stepped up my game in every area we talked about and she told me it wasn't my fault and she is going through these emotions and spent know why. I'm at a stand still feel like I'm losing my marriage and there's nothing I can do about.


----------



## jlg07

"I asked if she has cheated already or if another man of interest was there she replied no to both and that she does love me and doesn't want to hurt me. She recently started a job for a few month"
In general, this is how a LOT of cheaters start. You THINK she is telling you the truth because "she wouldn't do that -- she is such a good person/honest/etc.", and then you find out months later she was lying (I am NOT saying that she is -- just how a TON of these stories go ..).

You should check your phone bill to see what numbers/etc. she is calling/texting. Can you get her phone to look at it to look for messages/calls, questionable apps?

For a WOMAN to suggest an open marriage, that is a HUGE red flag. You are smart to tell her no as EleGirl said -- it WILL ruin your marriage.
You should suggest marriage counseling to her.

VERY sorry you are going through this.


----------



## EleGirl

How many hours a week do you and your wife spend together, just the two of you, doing things that you both enjoy?... quality things?

What are the things that you do together?


----------



## Andy1001

Ask your wife straight out who is the guy she is talking to at work. Her response will tell you all you need to know.
And stop rewriting history to justify her bs,you worked hard to support your family. Don’t let her convince you that because she has a wandering eye it’s your fault.


----------



## Atemiwaza

My wife and I have lots of time I work a lot of hours but have several days off in between rotating shifts. Had a weekend date dancing with a few drinks just a few days ago. I spend as much time as possible with her there's some weeks I only see her while waking to go to work nights but have 3 4 5 6 days in a row to spend with her while not at work.we have children so getting out every week is a no go. We have at least 10 hours a day when I'm not working but only an hour if working nights. If I'm working days she is always home and makes me dinner and spends the time with me which is 3 or so hours. She isn't distant in intimacy at all at least 2 to 3 times a week. I bring her coffees to work and take her out to lunch when her lunch time comes and lots of communication. I've already mentioned counseling and she agreed to it. And I can search her phone but she always has it on her so she know id be going through it. I know a lot of stories go this way and just can't bring myself to understand why, typical answer right....


----------



## Andy1001

Atemiwaza said:


> My wife and I have lots of time I work a lot of hours but have several days off in between rotating shifts. Had a weekend date dancing with a few drinks just a few days ago. I spend as much time as possible with her there's some weeks I only see her while waking to go to work nights but have 3 4 5 6 days in a row to spend with her while not at work. I bring her coffees to work and take her out to lunch when her lunch time comes and lots of communication. I've already mentioned counseling and she agreed to it. And I can search her phone but she always has it on her so she know id be going through it. I know a lot of stories go this way and just can't bring myself to understand why, typical answer right....


You can’t just stand by helplessly and watch your wife destroy your marriage and family. 
Tell her she is free to date whatever man she wants to but not as your wife. You need to start taking control of your relationship because I think your wife is already cheating or soon will be.


----------



## manwithnoname

Atemiwaza said:


> My wife and I have lots of time I work a lot of hours but have several days off in between rotating shifts. Had a weekend date dancing with a few drinks just a few days ago. I spend as much time as possible with her there's some weeks I only see her while waking to go to work nights but have 3 4 5 6 days in a row to spend with her while not at work. I bring her coffees to work and take her out to lunch when her lunch time comes and lots of communication. I've already mentioned counseling and she agreed to it. And I can search her phone but she always has it on her so she know id be going through it. I know a lot of stories go this way and just can't bring myself to understand why, typical answer right....


I agree the timing of her request and the fact she recently started working is suspect. Also her phone is always on her...

How many people work with her, how many men? Keep note of her interactions with co-workers next time you're there.

I believe she has her eye on someone, has discussed someone, or is already involved with someone but wants permission.


----------



## Atemiwaza

This is very hard to take in but I appreciate the advice I will converse with my wife about the books after reading them and do marriage counseling. Unless she comes clean with any info on another interest I will stick to my values for my children. Or repair as necessary unless infidelity comes out thank you


----------



## Spicy

Has she always kept her phone on her, or has that changed since she started her new job?

Has her dress and grooming changed at all?

Does she seem to be texting or on her phone a lot more than she used to be?


----------



## Oldtimer

I agree with Andy, she can bed any other man she wants, but not as your wife.

The positive is that she agrees to ic and that is a step forward in finding what’s broken.

There are many red flags that begin with a SAHM starting to work and suddenly the thought of an open marriage pops into her head. It sounds like she’s already picked the other player and wanted to ease the situation by asking you for the open marriage. Like Elle started it’s good you told her know. Now it’s time for the detective hat and check her phone, your bills, is she dressing differently to go to work, hiding the phone etc....I wish you luck with this issue.

You will have the backup of a lot of great folks with experience here, keep posting and reading. Check out the healing library as unfortunately I believe you are in for a wicked ride although I hope that it’s not true.

OT


----------



## aine

It’s an odd request and could be because of

1. She’s testing you because she is not sure of your love for her due to the past treatment
2. She’s pushing you into taking action to up your game
3. She has met someone interesting to her at her new job
4, she is already in an EA or PA and is now laying the groundwork to continue


Btw how were you treating her exactly?


----------



## StillSearching

Atemiwaza said:


> This is very hard to take in but I appreciate the advice I will converse with my wife about the books after reading them and do marriage counseling. Unless she comes clean with any info on another interest I will stick to my values for my children. Or repair as necessary unless infidelity comes out thank you


A backbone will be very helpful in your situation.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

NO WOMAN randomly asks for an open marriage! She either has someone in mind who she wants, most likely someone at work.. OR.. she has already entered into an affair and thinks the whole open marriage thing would make it acceptable without her having to lose her home and her security.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Atemiwaza said:


> My wife is same age 31 I adopted my step daughter now 9 and my son with her now 6 *I asked if she has cheated already or if another man of interest was there she replied no to both* and that she does love me and doesn't want to hurt me. She recently started a job for a few months now after being stay at home mom for almost our whole marriage.


RULE #1- CHEATERS LIE. There is no deviation from this rule.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

Andy1001 said:


> You can’t just stand by helplessly and watch your wife destroy your marriage and family.
> Tell her she is free to date whatever man she wants to but not as your wife. You need to start taking control of your relationship because I think your wife is already cheating or soon will be.


OP,

The above is very well said and great advice.

Bear in mind, one can't "earn" their way into an SOs good Grace's by doing more and more and more forever, once a good balance is achieved. 

Too much "I'm sorry" repetitively will be a negative. 

Best of luck.


----------



## EveningThoughts

QUOTE: NO WOMAN randomly asks for an open marriage! She either has someone in mind who she wants, most likely someone at work.. OR.. she has already entered into an affair and thinks the whole open marriage thing would make it acceptable without her having to lose her home and her security. QUOTE


The above is not true!
Women do ask to open the marriage without having an affair partner in mind. I am one of those women, and there are many more out there like me.

Though in this case I would be suspicious with the request coinciding with her new job.


----------



## BluesPower

Atemiwaza said:


> This is very hard to take in but I appreciate the advice I will converse with my wife about the books after reading them and do marriage counseling. Unless she comes clean with any info on another interest I will stick to my values for my children. Or repair as necessary unless infidelity comes out thank you


If it has not already been said... 

1) She is already cheating on you, right now. She is having an affair. 
2) You don't understand that and you are doing the Pick me dance, really bad idea. 
3) Check your phone bill and see who she is talking to...

LISTEN TO THE PEOPLE HERE... You are being a chump right now... 

Do you understand this?????


----------



## Diana7

I agree with many here who say that she has someone in mind already. The fact that she always has her phone on her is suspicious as well as the fact that she recently start working outside the home. 
Rather than tell you she is cheating or risking you finding out, she has come up with this awful idea of you both being permitted to commit adultery. 

Don't give in, you are doing the right thing. It doesn't mean she will stop what may already be going on. but at least when you find out you can make that decision knowing the true facts. 
Just say ok, if you want to have other men we will end this marriage now, and see what she says. 
I think you need to do some investigating even if it means hiring a PI. 
The fact that she is even suggesting it shows what sort of woman she is, and don't ever blame yourself for her actions.


----------



## niceguy47460

I agree with others there is someone else already or she would not want a open marriage . you better start digging my friend . she is keeping her phone on her for a reason and it's not good . get her phone when she is asleep and check it out . even look for texting app's .


----------



## MattMatt

"It's just a thought."

Perhaps so. But t is an especially dangerous type of thought.


----------



## Atemiwaza

Thank you all for advice I will have to resolve this in a peaceful manner for the sake of my children investigate I will do but I cannot just turn theory into fact without the facts to back it up. I understand (evening thoughts) and that is why I can't just jump to a conclusion. Once again thank you all for the great advice. I'm sure the phone will conclude the story


----------



## NobodySpecial

Is your wife cheating? Maybe. But I want to throw some other words out there. For now, all you know is

- You used to be not very good to her. You've made some progress. 
- You had a conversation with your wife, albeit an uncomfortable one for you.

If your wife was an a corner of the internet far far away from here, she might actually get advice that if she loves you but is craving the love and attention she is and *and has been* missing, that one way to achieve this is an open marriage. Not good advice in this instance. But perhaps something that has tickled her mind. Don't assume she is cheating. And don't forget what your role in the dysfunction of the marriage is.

See withholding love, affection, kindness and one might even saying basic human decency, is worse than withholding sex. It can gut a core. By all means, GET COUNSELING, regardless. Investigate cheating, if you think that's appropriate. But ask yourself with full honesty, if she is cheating or contemplating cheating, what is your role? If you cannot look at that question honestly, then let her go.


----------



## LeGenDary_Man

@Atemiwaza

Welcome to the forum.

You need to be strong, and do not blame yourself for all problems in your marriage. I understand that you love your family, and you fear loosing it, but your fear is your greatest weakness as well and your wife will smell it. Your wife should be equally concerned about the well-being of your family, and not only you. Put your foot down and say NO to open marriage. Now would be a good time for you and your wife to have some honest conversations, reading marriage-friendly books, consider counseling, and defining some boundaries for interactions with other people in the larger interest of your marriage. 

Some members have already provided good advice. And remember this: women dig strong and confident men on average. Have some game.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

NobodySpecial said:


> Is your wife cheating? Maybe. But I want to throw some other words out there. For now, all you know is
> 
> - You used to be not very good to her. You've made some progress.
> - You had a conversation with your wife, albeit an uncomfortable one for you.
> 
> If your wife was an a corner of the internet far far away from here, she might actually get advice that if she loves you but is craving the love and attention she is and *and has been* missing, that one way to achieve this is an open marriage. Not good advice in this instance. But perhaps something that has tickled her mind. Don't assume she is cheating. And don't forget what your role in the dysfunction of the marriage is.
> 
> See withholding love, affection, kindness and one might even saying basic human decency, is worse than withholding sex. It can gut a core. By all means, GET COUNSELING, regardless. Investigate cheating, if you think that's appropriate.* But ask yourself with full honesty, if she is cheating or contemplating cheating, what is your role?* If you cannot look at that question honestly, then let her go.


If she is cheating, he has no role, that is ALL ON HER. I have a feeling there may be some rewriting of the marital history here by her... trying to roll the blame onto him because she wants to cheat, and wishes to absolve herself of guilt and responsibility. OP did not make clear whether these issues have been hashed out previously, or if they just suddenly came up when she decided it was time to bang other men.


----------



## BluesPower

NobodySpecial said:


> Is your wife cheating? Maybe. But I want to throw some other words out there. For now, all you know is
> 
> - You used to be not very good to her. You've made some progress.
> - You had a conversation with your wife, albeit an uncomfortable one for you.
> 
> If your wife was an a corner of the internet far far away from here, she might actually get advice that if she loves you but is craving the love and attention she is and *and has been* missing, that one way to achieve this is an open marriage. Not good advice in this instance. But perhaps something that has tickled her mind. Don't assume she is cheating. And don't forget what your role in the dysfunction of the marriage is.
> 
> See withholding love, affection, kindness and one might even saying basic human decency, is worse than withholding sex. It can gut a core. By all means, GET COUNSELING, regardless. Investigate cheating, if you think that's appropriate. But ask yourself with full honesty, if she is cheating or contemplating cheating, what is your role? If you cannot look at that question honestly, then let her go.


The problem here, with your post, is the following... 

1) He may have been inattentive, boorish, or just a general dumbass, OK I get it... 
2) Even if the above is true, she had a choice... work on that or have an affair...
3) You and most adults know that open marriages, which can work for a lot of people, don't happen the way that she is doing it, with is the wrong way... 
4) Deep down, you and most here on TAM know that she is already having an affair. He may need proof, but we don't. We have seen it a 1000 times here and else where... If he digs he will see what is actually going on...

Point is, a) if she was actually unhappy, she could have talked to him... not had an affair. b) if she wanted to try someone else, she could have filed for divorce... not had an affair. c) if she actually loved her husband but needed something else, she could have honestly talked about an open marriage or swinging... not have an affair.

There is a right way, and a wrong way to deal with an open marriage... 

The way that she is doing is the wrong way.

Further, men like OP are in general, not strong enough emotionally, and sexually to deal with an open marriage, and anyone with any sense could see that... 

No, she I already having an affair, she was probably looking on affair sites or talked to her AP, and picked up on the idea about an open marriage... 

No, she is cheating, and in a little while if he does the work, he will find that out...


----------



## Andy1001

Atemiwaza said:


> Thank you all for advice I will have to resolve this in a peaceful manner for the sake of my children investigate I will do but I cannot just turn theory into fact without the facts to back it up. I understand (evening thoughts) and that is why I can't just jump to a conclusion. Once again thank you all for the great advice. I'm sure the phone will conclude the story


Buddy I’m getting the feeling that you are going to bury your head in the sand and hope this situation just goes away. 
Living happily ever after belongs in fairy tales. 
You need to proactive rather than reactive. 
In other words don’t wait for a problem to arise and try to deal with it,prevent the problem from occurring or at least don’t let it get any worse.


----------



## NobodySpecial

3Xnocharm said:


> If she is cheating, he has no role, that is ALL ON HER. I have a feeling there may be some rewriting of the marital history here by her... trying to roll the blame onto him because she wants to cheat, and wishes to absolve herself of guilt and responsibility. OP did not make clear whether these issues have been hashed out previously, or if they just suddenly came up when she decided it was time to bang other men.


<Shrug> His call. Blame has nothing to do with it.


----------



## NobodySpecial

BluesPower said:


> The problem here, with your post, is the following...
> 
> 1) He may have been inattentive, boorish, or just a general dumbass, OK I get it...
> 2) Even if the above is true, she had a choice... work on that or have an affair...


Sure. I am not saying having an affair is a good by any stretch. I am not sure how one works on a marriage by oneself. The OP clearly stated that he was not in it. I will never understand why folks on this board can so easily advise well you were pretty horrible with your emotional behavior but you are getting better now but if someone makes a physical move it is soooo much more horrid. 


> 3) You and most adults know that open marriages, which can work for a lot of people, don't happen the way that she is doing it, with is the wrong way...


What way is that? With a conversation? Do you know another way? 




> 4) Deep down, you and most here on TAM know that she is already having an affair. He may need proof, but we don't. We have seen it a 1000 times here and else where... If he digs he will see what is actually going on...


Well I guess he digs on then, if that is what he wants to do. But I don't know deep down or any other way that she is having an affair. There is a good chance. 



> Point is, a) if she was actually unhappy, she could have talked to him... not had an affair. b) if she wanted to try someone else, she could have filed for divorce... not had an affair.


Yah she could have, assuming she is having an affair which is not known yet. For some reason, his being bordering on cruel is instantly forgivable. Hell it is even understandable how one's head could get so wrong. But posters here cannot see how a person's head could get wrong by being consistently and systematically not only denied affection but put down? As soon as their is a **** involved, the equation becomes quite linear. 

I read recently the percentage of marriage that have experienced affairs. I don't remember the number. But it was big. I simply cannot believe the TAM party line that this is uniquely a massive character flaw. It is no more of a character flaw than any other human flaw that we have. Something like 40% of US humans are just evil dirtbags? I don't think so. 

People don't work that way.




> c) if she actually loved her husband but needed something else, she could have honestly talked about an open marriage or swinging... not have an affair.


Well that may have been exactly what she is doing. OP just does not know.



> There is a right way, and a wrong way to deal with an open marriage...


Oh don't I know that. I certainly would love to see your book on it some day. 



> The way that she is doing is the wrong way.


The post that she has brought this up to legitimize an existing affair was not seen by me. I think it as yet does not exist. So I don't know what you mean.


> Further, men like OP are in general, not strong enough emotionally, and sexually to deal with an open marriage, and anyone with any sense could see that...


It does not have much to do with strength. But that is beside the point. OP does not want it. It conflicts with his value system. Full stop. I hope he communicated that to her. 



> No, she I already having an affair, she was probably looking on affair sites or talked to her AP, and picked up on the idea about an open marriage...
> 
> No, she is cheating, and in a little while if he does the work, he will find that out...


And what he does with that information is up to him, should that come to pass. If he wants an R, and sits in front of a marriage counselor and will not even consider the role of his actions and seeks only to vilify her, it will not go well for him. Of COURSE if she refuses remorse and trickle truths, that will not go well for either of them. All of you helpful people will share that with him,


----------



## BluesPower

NobodySpecial said:


> Sure. I am not saying having an affair is a good by any stretch. I am not sure how one works on a marriage by oneself. The OP clearly stated that he was not in it. I will never understand why folks on this board can so easily advise well you were pretty horrible with your emotional behavior but you are getting better now but if someone makes a physical move it is soooo much more horrid.
> 
> *Yeah, for a lot of us that is a line that you don't cross. Right or wrong, a lot of people feel that way.*
> 
> What way is that? With a conversation? Do you know another way?
> 
> Well I guess he digs on then, if that is what he wants to do. But I don't know deep down or any other way that she is having an affair. There is a good chance.
> 
> Yah she could have, assuming she is having an affair which is not known yet. For some reason, his being bordering on cruel is instantly forgivable. Hell it is even understandable how one's head could get so wrong. But posters here cannot see how a person's head could get wrong by being consistently and systematically not only denied affection but put down? As soon as their is a **** involved, the equation becomes quite linear.
> 
> I read recently the percentage of marriage that have experienced affairs. I don't remember the number. But it was big. I simply cannot believe the TAM party line that this is uniquely a massive character flaw. It is no more of a character flaw than any other human flaw that we have. Something like 40% of US humans are just evil dirtbags? I don't think so.
> 
> People don't work that way.
> 
> Well that may have been exactly what she is doing. OP just does not know.
> 
> Oh don't I know that. I certainly would love to see your book on it some day.
> 
> The post that she has brought this up to legitimize an existing affair was not seen by me. I think it as yet does not exist. So I don't know what you mean.
> 
> It does not have much to do with strength. But that is beside the point. OP does not want it. It conflicts with his value system. Full stop. I hope he communicated that to her.
> 
> And what he does with that information is up to him, should that come to pass. If he wants an R, and sits in front of a marriage counselor and will not even consider the role of his actions and seeks only to vilify her, it will not go well for him. Of COURSE if she refuses remorse and trickle truths, that will not go well for either of them. All of you helpful people will share that with him,


I was waiting for you to come back at me... Glad you did. 

Now we have talked some on the board. In some ways, we are not as far apart as you might think.

But here is the deal. His opening post is so standard, what his "wife" said, as to make you wonder if this guy was a troll. (He is not I think, but this situation has played out a 1000 times.)

But for you to equate, his being an emotional moron, which unfortunately is kind of standard for young guys, to her having an affair and then doing the "open marriage" question, is just beyond the pale. 

I don't know why you won't just admit that. 

Are you telling me, that deep down, you need videos from OP in order for you to accept that she is already having an affair? You know better than that. 

Are you telling me, that both men and women, don't try the "open marriage" trick on a regular basis after already having an affair and hot sex, but still want the comfort of hubby's paycheck, or wife's home cooking? 

Look, I personally have no issues with people that want open marriages (the real kind) because they want to have more variety, or they want more or stronger BDSM, and wife or hubby can only go so far, or for any other of a hundred reasons. I get it, I have not done it in a marriage, but I have had several, kind of serious GF's that were all cool with that. That is not the same as a marriage, at all, and I get that. 

I am just saying that I get it... 

But what I have a problem with is the "pretend" open marriage talk. No, that is crap, it is un cool in every way, it is dishonest, it is cheating... 

And I give him NO PASS at all for being a moron and not treating her like he should have, none at all. 

But I do see the affair stuff, cheating differently. If your H/W is not treating you right get a divorce. Talk to them, try to work it out. If that does not work, the have the balls to get a divorce, don't cheat...


----------



## NobodySpecial

BluesPower said:


> I was waiting for you to come back at me... Glad you did.


"Come back at you"? Have I been living rent free in your head? I did not know we were having an argument.

I have a different opinion for the OP. He may do with that what he wills.



> Now we have talked some on the board. In some ways, we are not as far apart as you might think.


I am not sure how you know what I think. I have next to no idea how you think.



> But here is the deal. His opening post is so standard, what his "wife" said, as to make you wonder if this guy was a troll. (He is not I think, but this situation has played out a 1000 times.)


But for you to equate, his being an emotional moron, which unfortunately is kind of standard for young guys, to her having an affair and then doing the "open marriage" question, is just beyond the pale. 
[/quote]

Shrug. Different strokes. If that is what an emotional moron is, most of us would pass, thanks. 



> I don't know why you won't just admit that.


Might be because I don't think it. I don't feel it. I don't believe it. 



> Are you telling me, that deep down, you need videos from OP in order for you to accept that she is already having an affair? You know better than that.
> 
> Are you telling me, that both men and women, don't try the "open marriage" trick on a regular basis after already having an affair and hot sex, but still want the comfort of hubby's paycheck, or wife's home cooking?


I think it is MUCH more complicated than that. But since you already have a full handle on what I believe, I will smile and move along. Cheers.


----------



## sokillme

The best answer to a spouse who asks you for an open marriage is. OK then I will try it for a year and if I like it you can go if not then we won't. In other words me first.


----------



## claire74

You said that you have only been thinking of you in your marriage. You wife in the background running errands, taking care of the kids etc., may have felt insignificant eventually. You don't know if she is having an affair, it is an assumption because she asked you a question about an open marriage- signs of the times we live in where all kinds of relationships exist and it may have been an innocent question out of curiosity after seeing something on TV/ reading something or one to explore your thoughts on it. Either way, it looks like you need to start working on bringing that spark back where she feels she matters, you see her, you hear her and she is cherished and likewise she should in return reciprocate that. 

My husband has made me feel like that and from day one of our marriage, although I was loyal to him and never gave him a reason to, he always checked my phone, my phone bill, my emails and even had a tracker on my phone- that I never felt good enough, loved or trusted. There was no recognition for my contribution, it was never good enough. I couldn't remember the last time we did something fun or had a hearty laugh. I felt vulnerable and insecure so much so that in the end after 12 whole years during a traumatic time in our marriage I gave him a reason to deserve all that I went through. It came to a point that it didn't matter anymore since I was a cheat and criminal in his books anyway. 


Don't get me wrong for saying this, cheating is immoral and wrong but most women only cheat when they crave deep emotional attachment to feel that sense of belonging, to be a part of a unit or when they don't care about their marriage anymore they press the destruct button. She probably told you this so that you can work on yourself. If you start showing that you are suspicious and that you don't trust her with a lot of questions you will push her away and cause more friction. Maybe explore the subject further ask her jokingly what brought it on? etc., and gently but firmly express how you feel and tell her how precious she is to you that you can't stand the thought of anyone else with her. Counselling helps a lot to get to the bottom of things and also to rebuild things. Good luck


----------



## Adelais

First of all, you have to decide if you really want to stay married at all costs.

Do you really want to stay with her while she bangs other men, and potentially gets and passes on an STD?

If your answer is no, you need to tell her that sharing her with other men is not an option to you. Then you need to do some investigative work on your own to find out if she has already had sex with someone other than you. The chances are high, since she openly brought up the idea of an open marriage.

She is going to deny that she's been with someone already even if she has. Cheaters always lie, and sometimes when the proof is staring them in the face.

What she did was a choice. She could have chosen not cheat, but suffer and try to work on the marriage with you.

Why does she want to open the marriage instead of divorce you and find someone new? Are you her financial security? Does she think that divorce will hurt the children, but cheating won't? 

It is a shame that you neglected your wife, and it is a shame that she is a cheater. Neither is good.


----------



## Wolfman1968

Atemiwaza said:


> I'm a married man for 7 years with a beautiful wife that I love dearly we have 2 children and overall have had a healthy relationship. I'm here for help a few recent events that took many years for me to realize I put my wife in the background and made the marriage about me I came to terms and apologized for the heartache I put her through little attention always blamed her for problems and not ever helping with kids and house chores she did them all. I'm not a controlling person and have made improvements on where I lacked in the marriage. She now has come to me stating she feels like she wants her freedoms back and told me she loves me and would never hurt me but asked me for my thoughts on an open marriage and it was just a thought of hers but feel that is the freedom she wants back.how do I respond to this with a woman I am so dearly in love with I did tell her I can't share her with other men and that she means the whole world to me everytime I asked her questions on why she felt this way or any questions upon this subject she tells me I don't know. Please help don't want my marriage to end.



Uh oh.

I think I know how this is going to develop.

I can't think of the last time I saw a thread like this that didn't turn out that the spouse had already cheated, either physically or emotionally (and ready to go the next step to physical on the emotional affairs). Anyone remember a thread that didn't turn out that way?


----------



## MattMatt

*Moderator Merssage*

I just cleaned up a threadjack.

No more threadjacking, please?


----------

