# Competitive aspects of Infidelity



## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

I've been thinking of this recently and wonder if there is an over-riding aspect of competition, in addition to lack of character, which drives infidelity?

Thinking back to my wife and I - she has always been hyper-competitive. I am competitive too, but have a lot of sporting hobbies to satisfy this. My wife just had golf.

When she began her EA, the POSOM was married, unhappy, with a wife and two daughters (1 and 3). I asked my wife if it bothered her that he was married (at the time they began their EA). She said "NO, I was unhappy and he was unhappy". But with my wife's competitive streak, I almost wonder if "winning" this guy away from the OW was part of the attraction. And the POSOM is competitive too, so they were in different games but with the same objective. Eg - during he EA, the POSOM left his wife - but had a girlfriend while carrying on the EA. When the EA became a PA, the POSOM had a girlfriend, then a fiance, AND my wife. My wife knew this, but kept up the affair - perhaps staying "in the game"??

Many of my STBXW's friends have been mistresses - and it's like they took a perverse pride in it. Kind of like "Hey, he's married, but he WANTS me". Seriously, they are almost proud of it!

For the guy perspective - reading some of these threads - many of the POSOM seem to get a thrill out of providing sexually - like they're doing a better job of it than the husband. A conquest. Little do they know that in the fog of an affair, a two inch semi-limp d**k would probably be a thrill for the fogged wife...

Anyway, just wondering what others experienced. Was one or other or both of the AP's super-competitive? So it wasn't so much a "love connection" as it was a contest?


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## ImTrying (Dec 14, 2012)

My Mom has a friend who actually prides herself on catching married men. She's been married 5 times. Each time it was a married man she aggressively persued away from his wife, married him and shortly after she married him, she would be on the hunt for the next one. We'll see how long husband number 5 lasts.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

It's absolutely about competition and ago. The OW/OM most times consider getting someone else's spouse an huge ego boost. "This guy/woman wanted me more than he loved his spouse...how hot I must be!!"

Very rarely do you get the truly remorseful OW/OM that feel like sh*t for what they took part in.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Confused2much said:


> It might be some sort of competitive game. It's also survival. When you get married you put all your eggs in one basket and if your mate stops providing for you then you're without protection. We like to think we're evolved creatures but survival instincts are stronger than sexual instincts. Anyway, that's my thoughts on the matter.


Agree. Very true. But what separates humans from lower animals is the ability to empathize. So "survival" may mean (to a healthy couple) that they work together during the bad times - help each other. Watch each other's backs. So in the case of a DS leaving for survival - it's just a totally selfish act - like a rat leaving a sinking ship, instead of a human staying on board to help out.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Yes it's seems to be a big competition. But as the BS, when I found out I was in a competition, I realized it was at an unfair disadvantage because I didn't know I was in a race, which if I had known, I would have gone to run another race of my own choosing.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Cedarman said:


> . A conquest. Little do they know that in the fog of an affair, a two inch semi-limp d**k would probably be a thrill for the fogged wife...


:rofl:

In my experience it had nothing to do with being competive. My FWW strickly used OM's as a band aid for her crappy life, and her MO, to the best of her knowledge,... the OM's were never married.

There was one occasion were a GF contacted my FWW, but it was a ONS were # were exchanged and that was all. FWW wanted nothing to do with ONS guy after his crappy "performance".


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I found my self very competetive after d-day...even though I was the betrayed I felt like I had to prove to my self that I was better then any POSOM.

A hair cut, new clothes, colegen, lifting wieghts, and not only working on my attraction level for my self but the need to look better then some drunk slob banging my wife.


I know its a little different twist on the topic, but I figured the title of the thread gave me room to mention the betrayed side of thing.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

the guy said:


> I
> I know its a little different twist on the topic, but I figured the title of the thread gave me room to mention the betrayed side of thing.


Definitely. The one positive thing this has shown me, is how I got way too comfortable being married. I have always worked out and done a lot of sports - but I had let myself go - simply because I thought I was in a comfortable stable relationship with no need to "compete".

During our false R, I lost about 10 pounds and felt good. Since the separation, I have lost 16 pounds and feel great. Also participated in Movember and have since turned the moustache into a type of goatee - and people (including my kids who are my harshest fashion critics) think it looks good - so I'm keeping it, at least for the holidays. I've actually been hit on, TWICE while shopping for groceries of all things - this past month. It's like there is a "single father's" vibe which I am giving off. 

Not quite in a space where I want to "compete" for a new mate yet.... but maybe that will be a New Year's resolution...


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Confused2much said:


> I'm happy for you that you're all ready to meet someone new and your ego is being stroked.


No, not ready by any stretch. Still far too attached to the remnants of my marriage. But the reality is, the marriage is over. I just have to fully convince myself of this.

Hopefully in the New Year.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

RightfulRiskTaker said:


> Yes it's seems to be a big competition. But as the BS, when I found out I was in a competition, I realized it was at an unfair disadvantage because I didn't know I was in a race, which if I had known, I would have gone to run another race of my own choosing.


I was stupid enough to believe that once I got married, that particular competition ended...:rofl:


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

i am a bs and when i found out my competitiveness also kicked in i was not going to let the ow take what was mine.
it was my driving force to fight for my marriage and my family.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> I've been thinking of this recently and wonder if there is an over-riding aspect of competition, in addition to lack of character, which drives infidelity?
> 
> Thinking back to my wife and I - she has always been hyper-competitive. I am competitive too, but have a lot of sporting hobbies to satisfy this. My wife just had golf.
> 
> ...


The OW in my affair, was hyper competitive with other women. She did mention once or twice that it made her feel sexy that a married man wanted her. 

If you read boards in which OWs post, they often talk about the "thrill of taking a married man from his wife," so I do think it is a large part of it. 

Also, just a slight correction. An OW is not always a mistress. A mistress is someone who has all their expenses paid for such as rent, clothing, schooling, grocery money etc. 

Most OW's are just girlfriends whom the cheater dates.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

remorseful strayer said:


> Also, just a slight correction. An OW is not always a mistress. A mistress is someone who has all their expenses paid for such as rent, clothing, schooling, grocery money etc.
> 
> .


I want a be a mistress...:lol:


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## Hermione (Dec 13, 2012)

My spouse's ex mistress got new boobs out of the deal. And half rent. And he paid for her tattoos.

She worked it well. 

( I know it would sound more hip to say good, but the grammar queen that lives inside my head won't allow it)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

This isn't really the same thing... but...

I am an athlete - I ran track & field, played soccer, softball, Boston Marathon, etc. No doubt I am competitive. 

When I was in HS on a few occassions there were guys that had cheated on their GFs with me. In my younger/stupid years, I also fooled around with a married man. I explicitly remember thinking about "winning" this person away from the spouse. There is also the perspective of being the "good gal/guy" that is providing all of these needs that the BS currently is not.


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