# Should I reveal I know?



## hubby in need (Oct 21, 2012)

After 18 years of a fairly solid monogamous (both of us) marriage, my wife sunk into a hormone related depression that involved a 2 month affair. She didn't know that I knew but I have 100% proof. I danced around it and gave her a chance to confess but she would not. She finally came to her senses and realized the impact on the family (2 kids, 12 & 16), and ended it. Now that it is over what are the pros and cons of confronting her with my proof? Our sex life has been more than most could ever ask for (5-6 times a week). I love her but she is lying thru her teeth.


----------



## jfv (May 29, 2012)

If you had 100% What was the purpose of waiting for her to confess? 

Why are you so sure that she ended it? Do you have 100% proof?


----------



## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

hubby in need said:


> After 18 years of a fairly solid monogamous (both of us) marriage, my wife sunk into a hormone related depression that involved a 2 month affair. She didn't know that I knew but I have 100% proof. I danced around it and gave her a chance to confess but she would not. She finally came to her senses and realized the impact on the family (2 kids, 12 & 16), and ended it. Now that it is over what are the pros and cons of confronting her with my proof? Our sex life has been more than most could ever ask for (5-6 times a week). I love her but she is lying thru her teeth.


Man up and confront. It's not worth the pity sex.

What's to stop her from doing it again? I'm surprised you can even touch her after that. You will always resent her if you continue to live this way and don't use her depression as a scapegoat. ALSO, DON'T think she ended it in a bout of self righteousness. Trust me, you know very little of what actually went on - and she's being deceitful to you right now!

She had fun, no consequences, while you have to face the tremendous hurt. 

She will want the affair high again later on if you do nothing now.

Without establishing consequences and boundaries, she will walk all over you just like she is doing now.


----------



## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

jfv said:


> If you had 100% What was the purpose of waiting for her to confess?
> 
> Why are you so sure that she ended it? Do you have 100% proof?


This....you need to comfront her.








_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

She will never voluntarily confess this to you; she'll take her "secret" to her grave. And the lie will be there between you for the rest of your lives. And it will eat at you and impede your ability to ever trust her again. You must confront this. Only then can you begin to heal.


----------



## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Yes, reveal and punish. In her mind she had her fun, it ended, and no consequences for her. 

If a child steals and doesn't get caught the first time, hes gonna steal again. 

So if you don't confront her, the chances of her having another affair are very likely.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

First, who is the OM, how did they meet, how do you know it's over and how did you discover it? Is he married and have you decided that you are making all the OM's wife's life decisions too?

Lying is an act of disrespect and superiority. She will feel less respect for 'that big dumb doofus' that she put one over on.

If you don't care about her opinion (she is, after all, a cheater) than carry on.

But a day will come when this disrespect will come bubbling to the surface. What will you do then?

So you don't NEED to reveal it, but save it for when she starts showing signs.

I would not suggest it though since it will allow her to spiral out of control again and you will likely need to take far STRONGER actions to shake her out of it (think papers).

If you MUST do the Anglo Saxon 'talk around the primary issue' thing, here is a conversation:

"Honey, there is a really cute girl at work I was thinking of having sex with. Do you think there is any downside to that decision?"

Her answer should inform you on how to proceed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Yes. Reveal without revealing sources. Work from there. Be ready for some bs on how it was your fault. Don't allow for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hubby in need (Oct 21, 2012)

All good points. Thanks for the advice. This situation is a bit more complex than my synopsis. I will be more specific now.

During our marriage, she has had a few times to question her trust in me. I am not perfect, but have never cheated in any way. For a short time I was too into internet porn. I think she may think that I have actually cheated. No 100%. In the past I have hidden financial set-backs from her, but it was only because I didn't want her to worry & I knew eventually we would bounce back. I am a good person and a good dad, but I have not been overly involved in my kids school, events & sports. My oldest child has chronic health issues that require an extra degree of attention. My wife has almost handled this exclusively- in my defense, she was a stay at home mom the first 6 years. I work extremely hard and my job is extremely stressful, but I make more than 10 times her income now that she has been back in the work force. Conversely, I tend to be very lazy at home, which unfortunately leaves a lot of the house care to her. You women know this can be overwhelming. All her life everyone who knows her says she is incredibly unselfish, and always has put others first. Obviously this kind of person can easily find themselves completely spent. About six months ago she started to slip into a hormone influenced depressive state of sadness. She was super mom/employee/friend during the day, but often spent time crying at night. She is on Bio-Identicals and has taken Zoloft for periods of time. 

During this time we started to talk about her condition and our relationship. There was a lot of "its about me, not you", but confusingly also came with a lot of listing all my faults, shortcomings, issues and other things about me that she didn't know if she could get over (90% of them more than 5 years old). She said we need to have a 6 month trial separation. This never happened, but I did sleep in our living room.

She met the other man thru her job. He was a client at her accounting business. This next part is a guess- he opened up about his divorce 6 years ago (he is single now), she confided in him that was on her mind and things progressed from there. Like any horny guy, he heaped the attention on her. I don't believe there is anyone else that knows about them. There actual encounters were not many, but I caught wind after reading very sordid and descriptive texts back and forth between them. 

The reason I didn't immediately confront her was because of the tenuous position we were in. Just when I was about to bring it up, she just happen to have a conversation with a very good and wise friend of hers that may have led to an epiphany. This friend helped her to see the ultimate impact on the people around her and this along with a couple close calls and the difficulty of keeping her secret led her to start to focus more back on us. By the time I was ready to confront her, it was over. 

I gave her the opportunity to rid herself of the guilt without telling her I knew, but she declined. I know she realizes that confessing a previous affair usually only unburdens that confessor, while making it more difficult on the spouse. If I did lay it out for her, she would probably say she didn't say anything because, a) we were "apart" and, b) she didn't want to hurt me. In all 18 years, she has never been deceitful like this even once. I feel like the amount of time that has passed since I saw the proof makes it increasingly difficult to say anything without appearing almost as deceitful as she has been. Currently, things are not normal, but they seem to be heading in that direction.

Thoughts now?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Having been there 13 years ago, I can tell the con for not confronting her is it will continue with many OM. Here I am 13 years later and 20 OM my wife has slept with and I wish I would have confronted her when she had her 1st affair.

Instead I let resentment build, got phisycal with her and just had this unhealthy marraige, until I finally confronted her almost 3 years ago. The R is solid and our marriage is alot healthier now that the both of us have learned the tools to prevent these bad behaviors.


Dude you are making a big mistake in not confronting her and sitting by while her behaviors snowballs into a life style of short 2-8 week affairs to ONS after ONS.


Just like I fixed my anger and no longer push my wife, my wife has fixed her behavior and no longer sleeps around. Its working great now that I finally confronted her and we both....as individuals took the step to fix ours selves.


In short....do not go dawn the same road I did, life is to short. Your marriage can be stronger then this. Both of you just have to do the heavy lifting in it. Just like she has to do the heavy lifting in affair proofing the marriage.

OPEN THIS CAN OF WORM WIDE OPEN and learn and understand.


My bigest regret in life is not confronting my wife's 1st affair, 13 years ago.


----------



## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Other than saying, 'just kidding, she never cheated on me' the details are not gonna change the advice. 

If you want to go foward with a healthy marriage, she needs to know that you know. 

She needs to know the pain it caused you. 

It doesn't matter that you've waited. Explain why you kept your mouth shut and then explain why you changed your mind.

Stop assuming that you know what her responses will be or why she behaved the way she did. JUST ASK HER.

By the way, you need to give her consequences, how are you going to do that without letting her know why? . 

If you haven't spoken to her How do you know it is over? Are you 100% sure?

What is stopping you from giving her consequences for breaking her vows? What are you afraid of?

I hope you realize that if she gets away with this, she'll do it again.

Stop trying to avoid the confrontation. Man up


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Back in the day being young and dumb it was easier to let my wife do what she wanted. It took away the guilt of the criminal things I did to her.

Back in the day she did her thing and I did mine. we continued to hook up making sure I got first dips and not sloppy seconds. Went on vacations and had great times. 

But now if I could have done thing different I would have confronted her and faced this crap head on, cuz it not only hurt me but it hurt my wife knowing I didn't give a damb about her or the marriage....I

That when it start to snow ball, my chick self esteem not only got beat down by me and not confronting her the 1st time, but by being used by strange after strange, until finally she just took anything that said a few sweet words and went off with them into the night.

A behavior that was generated into a very dangerous lifestyle for her.

CONFRONT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

hubby in need said:


> I am not perfect, but have never cheated in any way.Thoughts now?


Dude...not perfect....I used to hit my wife!

What I did was criminal!

The point is no matter what, you are setting your self up. She will continue with this behavior.....mine did!

Trust me brother its not worth it. I have freaken been there!!!

You may not see the train wreck coming but I can tell you its coming. It may as well be now so the rest of the marriage can be a hell of alot healthier as you guy get older and the kids move out...there is so much infront of the both of you.

Please do not sweep this under the rug. I did and it sucked.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

If she thinks that she can have some flings and get back back to the marriage without any problem when they end, what is stopping her having more in the future ?


Are you sure on how this affair ended ? maybe she was dumped ? When did you find out about the affair ? Did she get tested for STD's ? You might having one yourself if you haven't


----------



## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

If you want a marriage based on honesty, you should talk about it. If you are ok with secrets on both sides, be prepared it may happen again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hubby in need (Oct 21, 2012)

Yes, I am getting the picture. 

If everything had been going along normally in our lives & then I discovered an affair I would have very loudly and sternly confronted her. However, in her mind we were "separated". Even though I never left the house, we were separated because she said so and because I was sleeping on the couch. She said (not in these exact words) "you do what you want & I'll do what I want". In her mind she was opening the door and justifying an affair. She said she "thought about" having an affair. But just as quickly she said she absolutely would tell me first if she was going to see somebody.

So where do you draw the line? Don't people who are separated sleep with other people? I don't know- this is all new for me. So how can I demand consequences for something that is commonly accepted under the circumstances?


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Why are you so scared of her ? Why is she so in control that you are scared to confront her ? Would she accept a similar argument from you ?

Have you even considered the possibility that her separation talk happened only after she started the relationship with this guy ?

What was the OM? Do you know his identity ?


----------



## hubby in need (Oct 21, 2012)

Also, since I don't have a hard copy of the evidence, I fear she would deny it and say I misinterpreted conversation that was just of a sexual nature- that they "played" or "joked" back and forth about sexual stuff.


----------



## hubby in need (Oct 21, 2012)

I know the timing- the talk did start before they hooked up.

I don't know the OM, but I do know who he is. If confronted, I believe he would lie for her and say they did not sleep together.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

You draw the line with a divorce. 

Were you two divorced? If not, she was cheating on you, and you should tell her you know. 

Plus, doesn't sound like she is very sorry. Sounds more like "It was an unfortunate mistake and something that happened in my life and I wish to forget about it."
Which is wasn't a mistake, because you don't make a mistake while cheating. If I stab you in the heart, unless I walk around always holding a knife, have the reflexes of a ninja, and you startle me, I have no excuse. 
You plan out cheating. 

She sounds more like a forgive and forget. 

Hell, I bet she probably is just waiting for the opportunity to do it again. She got away with it once. She'll do it again. Humans don't learn until they have to pay for their wrong doing. 

Maybe ask for a free pass. Since it sounds like she got one for 2 months and you refuse to do anything about it.


----------



## jfv (May 29, 2012)

OP, you are asking for advice but we need to understand where you are coming from. Please answer mine and Warlock's questions


----------



## jfv (May 29, 2012)

hubby in need said:


> Yes, I am getting the picture.
> 
> If everything had been going along normally in our lives & then I discovered an affair I would have very loudly and sternly confronted her. However, in her mind we were "separated". Even though I never left the house, we were separated because she said so and because I was sleeping on the couch. She said (not in these exact words) "you do what you want & I'll do what I want". In her mind she was opening the door and justifying an affair. She said she "thought about" having an affair. But just as quickly she said she absolutely would tell me first if she was going to see somebody.
> 
> So where do you draw the line? Don't people who are separated sleep with other people? I don't know- this is all new for me. So how can I demand consequences for something that is commonly accepted under the circumstances?


She said she was going to tell you...she didn't. End of story.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

My dad had an affair. My mom knew about it and confronted him.

Took him a year to finally admit to it. 

I don't think she still knows the whole truth. 



They made divorce for a reason. If your wife can't fess up, let her figure out life on her own.


----------



## hubby in need (Oct 21, 2012)

JFV, what are your and Warlock's questions I have not answered?


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

hubby in need said:


> JFV, what are your and Warlock's questions I have not answered?


I imagine something ot the effect of :

"Why can't you find your balls and confront your wife about her affair? And when she lies, nut up and say 'I know you are lying to me, I want the full truth, or maybe this marriage has run its course.' "


----------



## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

What about the next time she wants a one-sided "open marriage"? Now is the time to work it out to a conclusion of one kind or another to secure a future of one kind or another.


----------



## hubby in need (Oct 21, 2012)

Lying to me about something of this magnitude is big. However 18 years of marriage with millions of great times and memories with her and with the family is big too. Its hard to walk away from a highly intelligent girl who looks like Kate Upton, is as sexy as Mila Kunis and performs like Jenna Jameson.

I totally understand that once she did it once it becomes so much easier to do it again. However, she did refrain for 20 years- I would think that should count for something?


----------



## hubby in need (Oct 21, 2012)

It wasn't one sided. She said I could do what I wanted. Of course I figured it was a test.


----------



## hubby in need (Oct 21, 2012)

Do I want the "full truth"? Details about what they actually did, or just flat out confirmation that yes, they did have sex?


----------



## jfv (May 29, 2012)

your asking us what you want???


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

hubby in need said:


> Lying to me about something of this magnitude is big. However 18 years of marriage with millions of great times and memories with her and with the family is big too. Its hard to walk away from a highly intelligent girl who looks like Kate Upton, is as sexy as Mila Kunis and performs like Jenna Jameson.
> 
> I totally understand that once she did it once it becomes so much easier to do it again. *However, she did refrain for 20 years- I would think that should count for something*?


So if I am a pastor for 20 years and lead a bunch of people to Christ, but I went on an ax killing spree for a period of 2 months, can I use the "look at the thousands of people I brought to Christ and all the good for the community I did in those 20 years." to defend myself? Probably not.

Besides, where do you think she learned how to perform like Jenna Jameson? Because I bet it wasn't by JUST watching her. She had to practice somewhere, and I bet my paycheck it wasn't with you.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Sounds like you both just want to sweep this under the rug since it is the least painful choice.

She may not even cheat again, however you won't solve the actual problem and you will deny yourself the opportunity to have the most fulfilling marriage possible.

I was talking about repentance, confession and forgiveness on another post the other day, and to me that is what reconciliation is truly about. It sounds like you are ready to forgive, but is she willing to confess and repent?

IMO you should question her on this and give her the chance to confess - she obviously won't do it without prompting and the guilt and shame will be eating her up inside. So lead the conversation to what you know, and I agree that you would be wise to not reveal your sources, because if she gets defensive about this and questions your source it means she is not remorseful and just looking for ways to cover her tracks so she can get away with it better if she chooses a next time.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jameskimp said:


> Man up and confront. It's not worth the pity sex.
> 
> What's to stop her from doing it again? I'm surprised you can even touch her after that. You will always resent her if you continue to live this way and don't use her depression as a scapegoat. ALSO, DON'T think she ended it in a bout of self righteousness. Trust me, you know very little of what actually went on - and she's being deceitful to you right now!
> 
> ...


How do you surmise it is pity sex?

It's more likely hysterical bonding (as they call it) on her part.

OP You need to tell your wife, and then you both need counselling.


----------



## hubby in need (Oct 21, 2012)

What I want is the marriage we had for the first 17 years. But I am learning that is impossible without her coming clean first. I never act hastily. You have convinced me to confront her- I just need to think it out first. What do I do if she stonewalls & claims the texts were just flirty sexy talk that involved no real physical contact?


----------



## hubby in need (Oct 21, 2012)

To Broken at 20,

She came into the marriage as a sexual novice. But mostly due to her own desires, she has used her own enthusiasm, videos, experimentation, training and feedback to blossom into a sexual dynamo like I have never seen. She has been at the top of her game for over 10 years. I have no complaints.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I suggest you confront her and that you have the proof and it will be sent to you soon enough. You have been told what she is doing and with whom and you want to hear it from her 1st hans. Any dishonesty will only validate the reason to proceed with a divorce.

You will no longer tolorate sharing her and that you will not control her and she is free to leave.

My tactic here is getting her to believe you have more then you have so she will admit more. Also it shows her how confident you are in letting her go.

So no crying or begging. The more calm and indifferent you are the better. Lets face it confident men look alot more attractive then crying wimps begging for there marriage.

See, its a shift in power that she will not recognize in you. Seeing smile as you make her believe that you now have the poewr and it is up to her do the begging and the crying to save the marriage.

Do'nt wimp out, if you feel like you about to break down walk away and collect your self.

Be prepared for the blameshifting. Counter that by telling her "it is not your fault how she handled an unhealthy marriage by cheating".


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Guys like me that haven't been the best of husbands get alot of blameshifting.......So again this isn;t about you its about her and her adultory and why she made the choice to step out of the marriage with deciet and lies when the honorable choice would have been to leave you 1st, file for divorce and *then* find OM.

Make sences?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

hubby in need said:


> To Broken at 20,
> 
> She came into the marriage as a sexual novice. But mostly due to her own desires, she has used her own enthusiasm, videos, experimentation, training and feedback to blossom into a sexual dynamo like I have never seen. She has been at the top of her game for over 10 years. I have no complaints.


Sounds like my wife....you just have to get her to stop sleeping with other guys


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

never reveal your sources


As far as she is concerned you were told by someone , you hired a PI, hell even the other mans wife or girl frien could have exposed the affair


Revealing your souce eliminates your ablity to confirm any commitment she makes to the marriage I the future.


----------



## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Confront right now! Read up on how to do it right, but do it. I rug swept and and avoided the issue. I fight with myself everyday for years and years. I still love the little farm girl from Ohio that she used to be, not the ___________ that she turned into. Good luck and do the Right Thing not the Easy Thing.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Let me read between the lines. You just got off a huge fight and faux seperation. Your marriage is in a rocky place but SEEMS on the mend.

Meanwhile, your wife seems hotter than you and you worry very much about rocking the boat and the quality of her replacement. The fact that guilt is making her a sexual Stepford wife is a bonus.

So you are asking how much honesty and self respect are REALLY worth compared to a loss of companionship and blowjobs, not to mention the financial hit.

Is that pretty much it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

HiN,

You sound as if she will threaten to leave if you confront. Maybe so... so what? Do you want to live in a marriage like now forever? Most of us men here at CWI are not arm-chair BS. We have been cheated on, lied to, and manipulated by our "loving" spouses for months and years. 

You confront not just for the reason it is the right thing to due... you confront to find some form of resolution in your marriage... regardless of R or D. Your marriage will fail to exist if you let this slide. Oh... you may still wear rings, but there will be no meaningful union. 

Hear a little disclosed truth regarding married women and affairs... the one they are caught in is rarely the first. 

Don't be me and bury your head hoping it's not happening. Confront the truth, deal with the issues, and hopefully end up in a better place.


----------



## hubby in need (Oct 21, 2012)

Jcd-

exactly


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

RWB said:


> Hear a little disclosed truth regarding married women and affairs... the one they are caught in is rarely the first.


Correct. This is almost always looked over by the betrayed husband's.


----------



## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

I tried this "tactic" with my husband's betrayal and lies and it almost blew up in my face, when I did go for the confession talk he continued to lie. Confront with proof always, don't give them a back door to wiggle out of.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Michie said:


> Confront with proof always, don't give them a back door to wiggle out of.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Michie,

You have stated the 1st Law of confrontation. NEVER CONFRONT without PROOF Positive. Like most of us... I confronted out of intuition alone and nothing concrete. What a blame-shifting mistake!


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

hubby in need said:


> However, in her mind we were "separated". Even though I never left the house, we were separated because she said so and because I was sleeping on the couch. She said (not in these exact words) "you do what you want & I'll do what I want".
> .
> .
> .
> So where do you draw the line? Don't people who are separated sleep with other people? I don't know- this is all new for me. So how can I demand consequences for something that is commonly accepted under the circumstances?


Why is this all driven by _her_ definitions and statements? What about your definitions and groundrules?

I've never been separated. But my definition is that we are married until we are not. Any sex before the D is final is an affair. This may or may not be a commonly accepted definition.

In any case, if it is not acceptable to you that your wife slept with someone else during separation, it is not acceptable. Just because she declared you "separated" does not magically make it ok for her to sleep around.

Beware the Gaslighting on this one. It sounds like you didn't argue with her at the time she said she considered herself non-committed. She also said she would notify you before she had sex with someone else. I expect when you confront her now she will claim you had agreed to non-exclusivity. Or she'll deny she ever said she'd give you prior notice. Just know that you know what really happened, because she is going to rewrite history and try to convince you of her version.

But her version does not matter. What matters is that she lied, she has denied it recently, and her actions are not acceptable to you. Don't expect she has the same values or thought patterns as you. Know what your boundaries are and stick to them.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

How likely is this going to eat at you?

Because this stuff is insidious. If you will hide it, then use it as a nice card when she starts to go off the reservation again.

So keep your eyes wide open, get a key logger and some VAR's when you think that she might be straying again.

Is this really a way to live?

I would suggest that you improve your own self image and job prospects so you are not the low status person in your relationship. Maybe you aren't good enough to match Hottie McHot Stuff, but why not do the best you can?

That will a) improve your marriage, and b) help your prospects if she looks ready to leave.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

hubby in need said:


> Lying to me about something of this magnitude is big. However 18 years of marriage with millions of great times and memories with her and with the family is big too. Its hard to walk away from a highly intelligent girl who looks like Kate Upton, is as sexy as Mila Kunis and performs like Jenna Jameson.
> 
> I totally understand that once she did it once it becomes so much easier to do it again. However, she did refrain for 20 years- I would think that should count for something?


HiN, you're not going to get a lot of sympathy on that, but I must say I do know where you are coming from. I've been married 30 years and have discovered numerous lies, deceptions, and probable affair. She destroyed the emails before I could get to them. So I have less proof than you, and yes she has denied any affair. The circumstantial evidence is overwhelming.

A long term marriage has a lot of good in it, and you have a lot of complications with kids, finances, home, shared friends, in-laws who are now part of your family, etc. You have a lot of history with her. Yes it is a lot to give up all of that. For the shorter marriage it is easier to D. With the long term marriage it would be a very sweet accomplishment to make it a great marriage. Like winning a tough game the victory is sweeter than an easy win.

Just be aware of the sunk-cost-fallacy. This is where you stand in the slow line at the grocery store and won't switch to a faster line because you've already invested time into that line. Or you've put money into repairing an old car, and then you won't get rid of it when something else breaks because you don't want to lose the money you invested in that previous repair.

So with a marriage. You do have a lot in it, but that is all in the past no matter which way you go.

Do you think your wife would go to marriage counseling with you? That might provide a safe environment to tell her you know.

I think you need to confront her for a lot of reasons, most importantly to get it resolved for you. You do not have to confront her in order to convince her of what you know. So don't get dragged into arguing details or semantics. You know for sure, and that is good enough. If she argues details or tries to pry out of you your sources, just derail her by telling her the fact of her affair is not up for debate. Broken record on that one. You know it is fact, and you have proof.


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Okay Hubby, What are you gonna do. Sh*t or get off the pot. You know they had sex and to be honest, cheaters will rarely use a condom. So, right now you and your wife's health is at risk. You need to confront and know the truth. Get the confession and both of you need to see the doctor, not only for your piece of mind, but for your kids.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

So you don't mind if she has affairs once in a while if it helps you get porn star sex in you marriage? is that right?


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

hubby in need said:


> Lying to me about something of this magnitude is big. However 18 years of marriage with millions of great times and memories with her and with the family is big too. Its hard to walk away from a highly intelligent girl who looks like Kate Upton, is as sexy as Mila Kunis and performs like Jenna Jameson.
> 
> I totally understand that once she did it once it becomes so much easier to do it again. However, she did refrain for 20 years- I would think that should count for something?


It seems that,this woman has full control of your mind.
Why are you so afraid of your wife?
Why are you putting her on a pedestal?
She cheated and lied to you.
Now you're coming across as remorseful for _her actions_.

Almost as if you are afraid she will leave 
If she wants to leave, she will leave you anyway, sooner or later.

Are you sure this was her first affair?


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

hubby in need said:


> Lying to me about something of this magnitude is big. However 18 years of marriage with millions of great times and memories with her and with the family is big too. Its hard to walk away from a highly intelligent girl who looks like Kate Upton, is as sexy as Mila Kunis and performs like Jenna Jameson.
> 
> *I totally understand that once she did it once it becomes so much easier to do it again. However, she did refrain for 20 years- I would think that should count for something?*


First part of the bolded, you have it right. Especially if she doesn't face any consequences whatsoever. Cheating will suddenly become an option whenever she faces difficulties in her life.

The last part of the bolded is rubbish. These 20 years led to infidelity. I didn't drink Gin untill I turned 30, I thought it tasted like pine. Today; I have overcome this dislike - I can't think of anything better for drinks than G&T. Will I give it up? Probably, but not unless a qualified person can tell me that it will kill me or that something of great importance to me will break.

Your old marriage (preaffair), where cheating was not even considered, is dead. Your wife chose to end it. Look at it as if you have to decide whether to engage in a relationship with this stranger, you know she has qualities, but you also know that she is capable of cheating on you.

How will you make sure she doesn't cheat on you again? You can't. Because you know that she can and will cheat given the circumstances.

I think you need to make sure that she doesn't think of cheating as a free ticket to pleasure. She needs to realize that everything in life comes whith a price tag. Is she willing to pay the price or not? Are you?


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Exactly how do you know about this conversation with a 'wise friend' which set her straight?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Hubby, this will eat at you both until it comes out. You need to clear the air. 

The trouble is you need her to admit and provide details, not just confirm what you tell her...because otherwise you will always wonder what else she didn't tell.

I would probably say, "We both know you aren't telling me everything" and be a bit cold until she admits.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Wazza said:


> Hubby, this will eat at you both until it comes out. You need to clear the air.
> 
> The trouble is you need her to admit and provide details, not just confirm what you tell her...because otherwise you will always wonder what else she didn't tell.
> 
> I would probably say, "We both know you aren't telling me everything" and be a bit cold until she admits.


Be a LOT cold. Start noticing girls when you go out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

JCD said:


> Be a LOT cold. Start noticing girls when you go out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Cold enough to upset her.

I wouldn't notice girls. (Well, I wouldn't make a theatre of it, anyway!)

The other thing (and I made this mistake) is you need to write down everything you know as clearly as possible, since the longer it goes on the more you might question if you are recalling things correctly.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

HIN

You have received a lot of great advice.

No matter how good your marriage has been, it is now different.

And when the person you trust implicitly has lied to you, forsaken a vow or broken a trust, that breach must be acknowledged, dealt with accordingly and rectified.

If not acknowledged and rectified, then both spouses let it fester and the problem or hard feelings increase exponentially.

If you love your wife do much and see her coming back to the marriage then why don't you confront her with the promise that you want her affair out in the open without the threat of Divorce as a consequence.

You already said her opinion of you went up a few points already.

Why not tell her you will not Divorce but you will not allow the Affair to be swept under the rug.

She is being given one get out of jail free card.

One time deal. It expires tomorrow.

Good Luck

Hm64


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> HIN
> 
> You have received a lot of great advice.
> 
> ...


She will respect you for this, you tell her you know stay emotionless and ask her what are you going to do to affaire-proof the marriage. consult an attorney and know your options prepare for the worst and you won't be surprised.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If there are no boundaries put on her, and no accountability, for her A., eventually she will cheat again, as she got away with it this time, so why not again

The seperation argument is just her justification for probably a much longer situation than you realise/know about

Confront her----she will deny, you know that---so demand a POLYGRAPH

Read all you can on the way to confront, so you do it in the best possible way, must be cold/calm/calculating

Bottom line in all of this---is---what do you want out of all of this---are you going to do anything about it---or just chide her/forgive/and try to forget----If you intend to do nothing, then why put you and her thru all of this---

If you do confront, the boundaries/consequences must be HARSH, she cannot be allowed to think there will be no consequences for her, or she will think you are weak, and cheat again, if the right situation arises again


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> HIN
> 
> You have received a lot of great advice.
> 
> ...


If you don't listen to this, you are an idiot. Your marriage won't survive her thinking she controls everything either.

Yes, the pity sex will stop, but her motives are crappy. She thinks a (sloppy second) screw will clear her tablet. Is that what you think you are worth?


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

happyman64 said:


> HIN
> If not acknowledged and rectified, then both spouses let it fester and the problem or hard feelings increase exponentially.
> 
> If you love your wife do much and see her coming back to the marriage then why don't you confront her with the promise that you want her affair out in the open without the threat of Divorce as a consequence.
> ...


I disagree with all but the first part. Things will fester and get worse until the affair is openly and fully dealt with.

But I don't think offering a get-out-of-jail-free card is the answer. I tried something like that and she just denied, blameshifted, counter-accused, gas lighted, and denied some more. I told her I wanted the marriage to survive and I was willing to work on getting through anything, but only if I heard it from her, today. I told her explicitly that anything I heard from elsewhere was a dealbreaker. Carrot and stick did not work.

It is true I did not have solid proof like emails or pictures, and that might make a difference in HiN's case.

We know cheaters deny, minimize, and trickle truth. I don't know how to believe she is telling the full truth even with a free pass for a day. She will likely only admit to what she thinks he already knows.

I think the threat of divorce should be there, though with the promise of trying to work things out. Since HiN has some proof, I would go with a more traditional confrontation and hard line threat of D, and maybe even have papers drawn up _so she sees the gravity of the situation_. I like the psychology of telling her the marriage is done as of right now, but she has the opportunity to save it. The onus is on her to do what is required. She has nothing to lose by being fully honest, and everything to gain.

If she thinks the marriage is currently in place though on shaky ground, she has motivation to lie, minimize, gas light, etc in order to not make things worse.


----------



## hubby in need (Oct 21, 2012)

Thank you again for all the great comments. Here are more answers:

The confrontation will be very difficult because the proof is gone now. However I know it is true. I will try to act like I know more than I do to get her to open up.

I would love counselling but she is resisting. Maybe when the affair is out in the open she will acquiesce.

Her friend told me she had a serious talk with her.

JCD- you are spot-on most stuff, but way off on me- I own a development company and make a very substantial living. 

What are examples of appropriate punishment/ consequences?

Part of the reason I am acting like a puss is that after 17 years of stable rational intelligent decisions, she has made a slew of emotional irrational ones in the last few months that leads me to believe she may react similarly to a confrontation, resulting in another poor decision that may be irreversible.


----------



## hubby in need (Oct 21, 2012)

To those that say the threat of divorce needs to be there during a confrontation-

It was just a couple months ago when she was telling me she wanted a divorce, but then sort of just settled for the fake separation. 

With the divorce option out there, she may just say what the hell, yes lets get divorced. I believe this would be another of her rash emotional decisions that would be regrettable by both of us.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You may be fearing the divorce too much. BTDT got a drawer full of the t-shirts.

Commit yourself to the process of getting to the best outcome for you. Be realistic in considering what the outcomes can be. It can never be like it was before in your marriage. I think you should also commit to yourself as the primary priority. Yes you love her. Yes you care for what happens to her. But she is an adult, and she has made choices of her own free will. It is not your responsibility to shield her from the consequences of her free will. Certainly not to your own detriment.

So seek a good healthy marriage, and if that is not possible then seek a good healthy single life.

You are fearing her reactions too much. You have no control over her thoughts or actions. You cannot time or finesse your actions or discussions with any accuracy in terms of eliciting the outcome you want. Detach from outcome, commit to process.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Consequences are thing like loss of privacy, were she is an open book and continues to account for her were abouts and you have access to all her passwords. Another is going to IC and facing her lack of boundries and learn the tools on how to affair proof the marriage. Exposeure is also a big consequence for her to face the unhealthy behavior. Going in and getting an STD test and even taking a polygraph test. In some cases even a DNA test on the kids can be a consequence to the wayward that really hits home to the devistation that was done.


Your in a tough spot, now that the evidence is gone and she can call your bluff, deny, deny and never learn how hurt you really are cuz in her mind "nothing happened".

What really suck beside not having the proof to really blow this out of the water and change her life style , is that she will do it again. Hell she got away once she will do it again and then you can take the steps in having a effective confrontation were she will take the step to keep her marriage.

2-1/2 almost 3 years ago I took the risk of losing my marriage by confronting her with the tough love approach, and it paid off. Right now you have a choice and a risk.......Its your call cuz your right, your wife could tell you to pound sand, you got nothing on her and she could leave you if you deside to stand up and stop sharing your wife.

13 years ago I backed off and look what happened, is it worth it?

Some time in the future you will have the confidence in letting her go, command the respect you diserve from her and then it will be up to her to keep her marriage or not, since its just a matter of time it will no longer be worth the disrespect she has for you when she stops coming home, leaves in the middle of the night, and lies to your face about the "friend " she is helping out.


----------



## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

hubby in need said:


> To those that say the threat of divorce needs to be there during a confrontation-
> 
> It was just a couple months ago when she was telling me she wanted a divorce, but then sort of just settled for the fake separation.
> 
> With the divorce option out there, she may just say what the hell, yes lets get divorced. I believe this would be another of her rash emotional decisions that would be regrettable by both of us.


You are letting yourself be controlled by fear, that's always a bad idea.

A couple of things:
1. The best way to talk a WS down from a D is to AGREE with the D. Usually they are bluffing plus they fact they always want the opposite of what you want (because they think you are looking out for your own self-interest, not theirs) they change their tune when you end up wanting the D.

2. If she was to say “Ok, let’s D” then you didn’t have a chance anyway and you just saved yourself months of limbo.

She cheated so she just gave you a reason to D her. I would filed and see if she tries to stop you before it is finalized. That’s the most efficient way to get a true R plus it keeps your dignity intact. Allowing her to get away with this invites more cheating.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I'm not talking about business, where no doubt your balls drag on the ground. I'm talking about your marriage, where you seem to be the subordinate partner.

Too wit, YOU are worried about what SHE will do if you rock the boat over sharing her body with another man.

Is this the fear of the loss of HER or the loss of half your company? I just have to ask.

And I'm not really impressed by the argument that she's making rash decisions. An affair, by definition, is a rash decision. Exactly how much MORE slack are going to allow her with this excuse out of fear of loss? An 'overnight'? Maxing out the credit cards? Hitting your kids?

If youREALLY thought something is wrong mentally, you'd get her help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hubby in need (Oct 21, 2012)

You make some good points

I have known her since high school. We dated for 10 years before marriage. We have been best friends forever. 

Her and the kids live well- expensive sports, school, hobbies, travel etc. They consume 90% of my income now- if I were to divorce I would be better off (my income would go from 10% to 50%)

Originally, I thought this was just a peri menopause breakdown & I did seek help for her. She did see someone, but I think they turned out to be a quack. I still think there is a hormonal component to this. She is a different person now than she was for almost 30 years.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

No consequences means that she is at risk for doing it again if she becomes "unhappy" with you. She did it once and got away with it in her mind and she did not respect you enough to confess.

"Didn't want to hurt you" is a common cheater remark to justify being dishonest and continuing to lie.

The first time is always the hardest. Now she thinks she got away with it.

Confront. And tell her that round two will mean divorce, no discussion.


----------



## hubby in need (Oct 21, 2012)

I agree there should be consequences. But what is the range of options for possible requests/ demands?


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

hubby in need said:


> You make some good points
> 
> I have known her since high school. We dated for 10 years before marriage. We have been best friends forever.
> 
> ...


Hormons do not cause people to cheat.

All women go through this sooner or latter but they do not all spread their legs for a lover.

You are a little in denial - holding on to something that would make it "not her fault". 

It is 100% her fault. She had a choice to stay faithful or cheat and she made it - simple as that.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

hubby in need said:


> I agree there should be consequences. But what is the range of options for possible requests/ demands?


How did she communicate with her lover? FB? Text? Email? In person? Shut the method down.

How did she find time to meet him or what did she tell you she was doing? GNO? If so then no more GNO. Going to gym or a hobby? That ends now.

Whatever she used as a cover up for her affair has to go. That includes friends that covered for her.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

hubby in need said:


> I agree there should be consequences. But what is the range of options for possible requests/ demands?


Sorry if this comes out the wrong way, but I think you are asking for a little too much guidance, and what I mean by that is that you are looking for someone to tell you what you want and how you should live your life. That's an awful lot of power to put in the hands of strangers on the internet. JMHO.

What do you want? You need to figure out how much pain her infidelity caused you, i.e. was the betrayal so bad that you feel that reconciling is impossible or do you want to work it out? If you want to work it out, then how much are you willing to tolerate from her? If she appears to be pining for her affair partner, will this be a deal breaker for you or do you want to be patient with her? Also, are you sure this is the only time she cheated on you or did she do this before?

Bottom line is that there are a lot of questions that you need to resolve for yourself, and once you determine what you truly want, you can get meaningful advice on how to help bring about your desired outcome. 

One opinion that I'll share with you is this: IMHO, you are willing to overlook a lot of crap from your wife because she's great in bed. Just remember to think with the correct head...


----------



## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

hubby in need said:


> To Broken at 20,
> 
> She came into the marriage as a sexual novice. But mostly due to her own desires, she has used her own enthusiasm, videos, experimentation, training and feedback to blossom into a sexual dynamo like I have never seen. She has been at the top of her game for over 10 years. I have no complaints.


Just something to think about with this... if a woman views her husband as weak or that he will allow her to walk all over him, this type of sexual attraction will fade and fast. 

When all hell broke loose on D-Day and my husband stood his ground, it definitely brought me back to earth and realized this was not a man to trifle with or screw around on. 

Yes, he did want to work things out but it wasn't going to just be over looked or minimized by any means.


----------



## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

"With the divorce option out there, she may just say what the hell, yes lets get divorced. I believe this would be another of her rash emotional decisions that would be regrettable by both of us."

With divorce she'll most likely get 50/50 ..... now she probably gets 95/95 .... why should she divorce?


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Is it not true that all of this seperation, change of attitude, whatever else, started probably the same time as the A, or beginnings of working into the A

The last thing your wife wants is to give up her nice cushy lifestyle, she knows it, and you need to understand it, she is going nowhere that is gonna downgrade how she lives---you are being manipulated---if you think anything else.

Her BS about sep, was nothing more than A justification---there was no seperation, there were words out of her mouth, you notice in your so called sep---you never left the marital home---so where was the sep.

You want the truth confront and demand a POLY-----the truth will come out

You must be harsh about this---no get out of jail free card---she will cheat again, if she percieves any weakness in how you handle this

Take enough time to get what you need, come up with good solid boundaries and CONSEQUENCES, that are actionable---not words---NO WORDS---words are meaningless, words many times are LIES

Do not be afraid to confront on conjecture with minimal proof---the POLY is your ace in the hole

Do what you need to do for you---forget everything/everyone else!!!!!


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You are over thinking it, and you are letting the current sex to cloud your judgement,

The big problem is that you are only going to enjoying your currently newly faithful wife and the sex until she finds the next guy. Your essentially the fill in between boyfriends.

The way to fix this is to simply tell her you know. Ignore her denials etc. don't debate or argue, just kept it drop:

I know all about XXX and what you chose to do with him.

First, if it ever happens again. If you even give another man a peck on the cheek, I'm gone and gone forever.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

:iagree:

Shaggy is rightand so is TCSRedhead.

HIN

You sound like a successful business man. There is risk in every decision or negotiation.

If you do confront your wife you do not need evidence in your hand. What you should be holding in your hand are D papers.

But do not tell her this unless she calls your bluff.

She has to know you are not kidding around and you want all the truth.

Tell her you do not want a D but if she is unable to be honest with you then a D is what she will get.

Then having spoken to your Attorney in advance, spell out for her how much her life and your childrens lives will change because of her actions.

Give her all the "rosy" details.

Then ask her again for the truth and whatyou plan together to reconcile the marriage if she is willing.

what do you really have to lose that you really have not lost already????

HM64


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Shaggy is rightand so is TCSRedhead.
> 
> ...


He will lose The Act. She acts like a loving passionate wife. He acts like a blind doofus.

Shaking up the status quo is scary.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

