# More like room-mates...



## sweet_jane (Mar 1, 2011)

My husband & I have been together for 5 years now, married for 3. I was 19 & he was 24 when we started dating; it was his first relationship. We're more like room-mates now than anything else, and it's been that way for about 4 years. There's literally no sex, no intimacy, when he says "I love you" I struggle to say it back, because I just feel awkward saying it, and don't want to say it. I care about him, I'm just not in love with him anymore. At this point I'm not really interested in fixing the problems so much as I'm more interested in being on my own- then again, having just said that I feel really bad and kind of wish I could be in love with him again...
There's been three occassions where I wanted to be with someone else- the first two were ex boyfriends from a very long time ago and I got over those feelings pretty quick because it took just one msn conversation to remember why it didn't work out in the first place- but the third is new and I can hardly think about anything else! 

Anyone been through anything similar who can offer up some advice?


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Advice is to leave your husband before having an affair.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Talk to him (your husband) about how you feel. Then you can either try to work things out, or separate and move on. But don't start something new before dealing with the current.

Keep in mind the new and exciting eventually becomes the old and stale. Hopefully at some point in the past you felt the same way about your husband as you do about this other guy. Unless you can recognize how you got to where you are now, you're doomed to end up there again.

C
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## sweet_jane (Mar 1, 2011)

Thanks to you both for your replies.

PBear: Reading some other posts around here I realised I am probably most annoyed by my husband because he is very passive and not at all dominant and it frustrates me every day that he can't/won't "man up" so to speak...I tell him all the time when something is wrong so we can try to work it out but here's how it goes: I present the problem, he sits there in complete and total silence, while I get mad that he's not talking, literally 10-15 minutes can go by before he says "uh...I....uh..." and by this time I'm furious so I leave the room to calm down, and he eventually wanders in with "I'm sorry...." and that is the end of it! He refuses to talk! Ever! I'm annoyed that I have to be his first and only relationship (thus far) because it seems like he's insecure and doesn't want to do anything to bother me but that in itself bothers me! lol


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

SadSamIAm said:


> Advice is to leave your husband before having an affair.


I'm sorry but I hate it when people are so quick to advise someone to just walk away from their marriage. Marriages are NOT disposable and unfortunately they require work to maintain. 

My suggestion would be to get the book "His Needs, Her Needs". It's a great book that will transform the way you think of your marriage. It will help you understand ways you can improve your marriage simply by better understanding the differences between men and women. I'm not saying that your husband doesn't have his own set of issues but marriages don't break down because of one person. 

In this book, you will probably find out many of the ways your husband has failed you. But more importantly, you will also find out ways where you have failed your husband. You cant force him to change. You can make some personal changes and hope that hubby will have a desire to do things differently. You may be surprised at how things may turn out based on what you do or don't do. Your marriage deserves a chance. Don't give up.
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## Acctguy (May 30, 2011)

sweet_jane said:


> Thanks to you both for your replies.
> 
> PBear: Reading some other posts around here I realised I am probably most annoyed by my husband because he is very passive and not at all dominant and it frustrates me every day that he can't/won't "man up" so to speak...I tell him all the time when something is wrong so we can try to work it out but here's how it goes: I present the problem, he sits there in complete and total silence, while I get mad that he's not talking, literally 10-15 minutes can go by before he says "uh...I....uh..." and by this time I'm furious so I leave the room to calm down, and he eventually wanders in with "I'm sorry...." and that is the end of it! He refuses to talk! Ever! I'm annoyed that I have to be his first and only relationship (thus far) because it seems like he's insecure and doesn't want to do anything to bother me but that in itself bothers me! lol


God, that could be me. I'm too afraid of upsetting my wife to tell her the truth. I can tell you, my marriage is similar, we're more like roommates or friends than anything else. 

After 11 years, I don't see myself changing. I feel that maybe if I start over I can reinvent myself...but that doesn't help the current marriage. Perhaps your husband is in a very similar place?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

My wife is not asking because she's interested. She's asking so she can find something new to pick at or have some bizarre emotional outburst over. Room-mates, even room-mates who don't get along or can barely tolerate one another is preferable.


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## miss smiley (May 3, 2011)

Sweet jane- i understand where you are coming from- right down to the "too passive" part. my H is a great guy, but i don't feel love for him the way a wife should. i certainly would like to see him happy, but i don't think i am to one to do that for him. he doesn't ever bring up things either. says that no one likes to bring up negative things. sorry- we're adults. if we can't address problems head on- then they build which is where i am at now. i don't think i can ever love him the way i should. i got married using my head and now i realize it. i've got an appt to see a counselor to try to help me deal with my feelings- buck up for the kids or make myself happy and hope everyone else ends up that way too.
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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Some people are trained to be passive. When you argue with him, do you fight fair? What happens when he says something you disagree with? I try hard to avoid saying anything the slightest bit critical to my wife because I know exactly how it'll go. She'll get loud, threaten suicide, threaten divorce, bring up tons of crap and issues that have nothing to do with the subject at hand, cry, give me hours or maybe days of silence, throw stuff, etc. I have opinions, feelings, ideas, and I'd dearly love to sit down and rationally discuss them, for hours, if need be. As an interrogator I can tell you that folks love to talk and their favorite subject is themselves. If he isn't talking, it's because he doesn't safe, or accepted, or he doesn't believe you want to hear what he has to say. Maybe you didn't do that to him but he learned it somewhere. Remove the barriers and he'll talk.


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## JJD (Jun 8, 2011)

I can definitely relate to the "room-mates" feeling. All I can tell you is that if someone doesn't make the first move to correct the situation or attempt to settle differences and/or compromise, the situation erodes to where it can be unrecoverable. Kind of going through that myself right now. I finally listened to her desire for change on my part and found it was too little too late.


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## rikithemonk (Jun 8, 2011)

Have you considered date nights. The problem with long relationships is that they get boring and routine. Its hard to get that excited fluttering feeling for someone when you only see them in sweat pants and the last exciting thing you did together was going to the grocery store. Put it on the calendar. Every Thursday you go on a date. Give that the try before divorce. Sometimes you need to be reminded what you saw in each other.


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## NoFun (Mar 17, 2011)

I just got out of a marriage that was EXACTLY like that. We were married in our early 20s. We were together for 6.5 years and married for 4.5 of those. Things had been roommate like for years and one day I just worked up all my courage to talk about it. After a month of trying to work on these feelings together, going to MC and me going to IC - we decided to separate. He moved out, we were divorced 1.5 months later. I was initially terrified to talk to him about the prospect of leaving for fear of hurting him. It did hurt him and it hurt me. But we are healing and we are in better places now. What I am trying to say is that it is difficult, crying and yelling is involved, very mean things are said - but you will know in your heart of hearts if this is what you need and what is best. No one can tell you otherwise. Not a therapist, not your family and not your husband. Good luck.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

I am in a very similar situation i think. Feel free to look at my past threads and message me!


sweet_jane said:


> My husband & I have been together for 5 years now, married for 3. I was 19 & he was 24 when we started dating; it was his first relationship. We're more like room-mates now than anything else, and it's been that way for about 4 years. There's literally no sex, no intimacy, when he says "I love you" I struggle to say it back, because I just feel awkward saying it, and don't want to say it. I care about him, I'm just not in love with him anymore. At this point I'm not really interested in fixing the problems so much as I'm more interested in being on my own- then again, having just said that I feel really bad and kind of wish I could be in love with him again...
> There's been three occassions where I wanted to be with someone else- the first two were ex boyfriends from a very long time ago and I got over those feelings pretty quick because it took just one msn conversation to remember why it didn't work out in the first place- but the third is new and I can hardly think about anything else!
> 
> Anyone been through anything similar who can offer up some advice?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

A good way to feel "in love" with your husband again is to stop talking to other dudes. For real.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

sweet_jane, your hubby has been domesticated because that is what he felt his responsibility to you was - he is probably loyal, devoted and otherwise responsible but you can't see any passion in him. Trust me, I was him, that passion is there but he doesn't know how to express it. As a man, he needs to hit things, he needs to know its ok to be assertive, to decide what he wants and go take it, but for us beta males that is a daunting mission. Counseling now is always better than later and he needs some room and freedom to figure out how to "man up". When I was in his place I sure wish my wife had recognized the reasons why I was the way I was, though I was probably not going to do anything about it until I was shocked out of it. Be patient and do something crazy for him to see... buy him tickets to monster truck show and tell him to take a buddy, do something you want to do for yourself and let him see you happy at home... but protect your marriage and don't put it on the line. He is probably comfortable at home, don't go out and leave him there, go there and push him out. The intensity of a new marriage and relationship fades, the 7 year itch, but realize that what you have in its place is a certain intimacy you two still can have un unshakable trust in each other and that is an amazing powerful resource. It is time for you BOTH to get out of the funk together, don't leave him in the dust because your love can grow into a very satisfying and beneficial marriage if you both work on it.


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