# Wife has an affair going on need some help.



## 36305 (Oct 19, 2010)

I need advice..... My Wife started having an affair about 3 months ago and I found out then. Of course she denied it over and over but later has admitted it to me. We are currently seperated and she is still with this guy. She fights with him on a weekly basis now so it might be ending but I'm not so sure. We have talked about us working things out alot lately and I forgive her. She has fianally opened up to me about him and told me that she does have feelings for him and his children. But everytime they fuss he runs to one of her best friends to discuss thier problems and the un-married bestfriend or friend(s) call her up and talk her out of not leaving him everytime by making her feel guilt. She has said that he has even told her that he loves her etc. etc.. I feel like she is torn between me and him in a way. and doesn't want to hurt his kids or her friends. He is a Bad Boy type as she said and I am so sweet to herand her daughter . She has said that the lifestyle that he has is not her. 
My question is how can I help her shut the door completely on all this and us work this out? She does have a child which is my step-daughter and the biolgical Father is taking her to court to try to get custody because he doesn't like who my wife is currently hanging around. We have been together for 3 years total. Please Help


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

She knows you are standing by as a backup plan so she has no pressure to make a decision.

You don't have to put your foot down, you can start by asking her opinion on whether or not you should 'move on'.



Happy Thanksgiving


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You must become unavailable to her. At this point she has lost nothing. She still has you waiting in the wings. I will wager if you stop being there for her, and stop calling her or taking her calls, that she will dump this guy. She will sit on the fence as long as you allow her to. Personally, the next time you talk to tell her this (but say it dispassionately) *" You know, I think I'm done with you. I mean you cheated and lied to me. I know I'm not the bad boy you seem to like, so I'm going to go find the good girl that I deserve. Please do me a favor and just leave me alone."*. She will then start pursuing you, because you represent security, this other guy represents fun. Personally I have no idea why you want her back. And I hope the father is a better living arrangement for the daughter. But its your choice. I can assure you that the moment you stop giving her a back up plan she will dump this guy. Then she will be all yours. That is until it happens again. Which it will. Things will be ok for a while. But when security gets old, she will be out trolling for the bad boys again. My opinion, dump the skank.


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## marco100 (Nov 25, 2010)

> My question is how can I help her shut the door completely on all this and us work this out?


You can't, at least not with the objective of her getting back together with you. She's finished with you. There's no going back, ever, even if she decides she's fed up with this OM.

She's gone my friend. Get divorced.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I think this is called cake eating, she has both of you filling different needs, she is good like this, why would she stop. 
I think you should talk to her and tell her you have listened to her about the OM and your marriage and that you have come to some decisions......
You tell her that you love her very much and would be willing to work on your marriage so both of you are happy but only if the OM is totally gone from your lives. You tell her until that happens you will no longer be willing to live in the situation you now are in. 
She will have to decide what life she wants, you must make her feel what the decision to have an affair and to be with another man while she is married to you feels like. Without your support that you will be moving on with your life ........
You tell her this unacceptable for you to be disrespected like this....
You tell her it's to painful for you to live like this and until she is ready to commit to the marriage and have the OM out of her life for good, you cannot and will not be in contact with her and you will be focusing on your own life and where that leads you.
Then you don't answer her calls, you don't text each other, there is No Contact at all.............
Let her feel and live her decisions and what that all means without you in the picture, 
This is your only hope, she had to come out of the affair fog on her own, thinking of the consquences and feeling them is the only way. It will be tough on you to sit back and wait, but believe me she will never come off the fence if you don't have some boundaries in place for yourself and your marriage.......
It all takes time be patient and in the mean time keep yourself busy with positive things...........


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

36305 said:


> I need advice..... My Wife started having an affair about 3 months ago and I found out then. Of course she denied it over and over but later has admitted it to me. We are currently seperated and she is still with this guy. She fights with him on a weekly basis now so it might be ending but I'm not so sure. We have talked about us working things out alot lately and I forgive her. She has fianally opened up to me about him and told me that she does have feelings for him and his children. But everytime they fuss he runs to one of her best friends to discuss thier problems and the un-married bestfriend or friend(s) call her up and talk her out of not leaving him everytime by making her feel guilt. She has said that he has even told her that he loves her etc. etc.. I feel like she is torn between me and him in a way. and doesn't want to hurt his kids or her friends. He is a Bad Boy type as she said and I am so sweet to herand her daughter . She has said that the lifestyle that he has is not her.
> My question is how can I help her shut the door completely on all this and us work this out? She does have a child which is my step-daughter and the biolgical Father is taking her to court to try to get custody because he doesn't like who my wife is currently hanging around. We have been together for 3 years total. Please Help


you would be biggest fool if you dont dump her forever


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

bestplayer said:


> you would be biggest fool if you dont dump her forever


Try to get a formal divorce completed before you are in the hook for that child.

Get away from her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Time to stop making this easy on her. She needs to be forced into a position to chose now.


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## 36305 (Oct 19, 2010)

Thanks for all the comments. I think without her bestfriend or friends influencing her she would leave him alone. She starts running back to me and let's them know they talk her out of it everytime. What can I do about them, she blows up when I try to talk to her about them. And his kids I think she really scared of hurting them. 
I have done the no contact thing and it seems to work somewhat cause she seems to want to spend time with me. But like I said she gets chastized for it by the friends. 
The heat of all this really only started in September should I wait it out a little longer for her to let her get un interested in this guy? 
Oh Ya, she is still in Denial to some that she is even seeing him. If that even tells you what kind of character her has.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Wow. Its like you are completely ignoring what is being said to you. But that is your choice. No you don't give her more time. You don't call her again. You don't answer the phone when she calls you. If she tracks you down let her walk up to you and you spit in her face. Tell her she is a cheating skank and that if she comes within a 100' of you, you will get a restraining order against her. Then you move on with your life.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Why is her friends so against you? I assume she has told them how you have treated her? First off I suggest you find out why she has found OM and has stepped out of the marraige "for a bad boy". Remember the affair is the end result, not the start of a problematic marraige. If the both of you can understand what behaviors brought the both of you to this point in your marriage you both may beable to repair this. On the other hand ,you may be the perfect husband and her and her friends are just out to destroy the marriage. Some thing to think about as you move on. I do aggree with most of the posts on this thread, if she is into bad boys for no other reason, then it would be best to move on. If you dont understand what brought your marriage to this point it is possible to end up with the same out come, but with a differant marriage, later on in life.

There are some link on this site that will help you "end the affair" look for it will help.

Dont forget, set some boundries and stand by them!


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## MissMoneypenny (Nov 22, 2010)

30305 Let's analyse the facts from the little we do know of what's going on in your situation:

1. You say you've been with her for 3 years, yet you mention that you're separated and she lives with this other guy.
To me the above sounds as if you're _no longer_ together, and probably haven't been for a while? 

2. There's some confusion with when the affair started? You say it started 3 months ago and that you found out... when? Immediately and _then _she continuously denied it? And when did the separation happen? It seems all too fast to me... she had an affair back in September, in that time you not only found out about it, you then got separated and she moved in with her lover? Does it not suggest that the affair must have been going for some time? You yourself say she kept denying it... how long was she denying it for?

3. You also mention that she's torn between the two of you.
From what you've told us so far, it doesn't look like she's torn at all. She had an affair. She left you for him. And is _still _with him. Ergo she _loves _him - no being torn about it unless... there's something else we don't know?

4. Do you still love her? If so, who asked for the separation? 

5. If you do love her, _why _do you still love her? Why are you even still there for her?

6. Do you think she still loves you? If so, what makes you think that?

7. Has there been any sexual relationship since you've left each other between the two of you?

8. Lastly, when your ex tells her your so sweet, do you think it's a compliment? We don't know the circumstances of when she tells you this. Does she tell you this when she's particularly stressed and wants to be comforted?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Best way to end an affair: Take yourself out of the equation, and, sadly, only then will she realize how good you were.


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## 36305 (Oct 19, 2010)

Well big things happened this weekend. Wife called me on Saturday out of the blue and got straight to the point. She asked if I still loved her? I said yes then she asked if I wanted us to work this out? I said you know the answer of course I do She then went on to say that she loved me and wanted to also. She told me that she was going to kick the guy out of the house the following day and just to let her get through that weekend. She called me the next day and told me she had did it and he didn't take it to well he told her the reason that she was ending thier realtionship was because she wanted to go back to her husband.(Guilt trip I know). Wife told me that he is not working, his job is seasonal and to top it all off his car got repossed. She said that he was a heavy drinker and just couldn't take it. The minute he was taken home with all his stuff by my sister inlaw he went over to my wife's friends house to talk to her about everything which is where he would go everytime my wife and him had a fuss. The friend would then call my wife and try to make her feel guilty, this friend as I stated before has been against me. Well this past Sunday the friend called my wife and said that he (the om)thought my wife was cold hearted etc. etc. claimed that he loved her etc. etc. My wife then told her that she has a daughter and just can't be around someone who will not work and drinks every night.
My wife came by my place today and we talked briefly and we hugged and kisssed each other. I let her make the moves with the exception of the hug. She has invited me to her family's house for Christmas and I told her I would go. 

So my question to all of you is where do I go from here.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

"So my question to all of you is where do I go from here?"

Right back to being her fall back guy. She is coming back for one reason, stability. She is looking for you to support her financially. 

You need to ask yourself "what has changed about her"?


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Start reading my blog 36305.

This is a big step in the process of getting her back.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Is she still hanging around the wrong crowd? Is she willing to give up that crowd for you? If she willing to give you access to everything without crying foul and getting defensive? Is she willing to work on the marriage?'

BTW did you get checked and did she get checked for STDs? That guy sounds like someone who would sleep with a crack ***** if it was in front of him. You do not want the gift that keeps giving.

No sex with the wife until both of you are cleared with a full checkup.

BTW, welcome to being the backup plan at this point. She's only taking you back as the backup for right now. Work on the marriage right away to fix that. If you get left in as the backup, that's what you'll always be even if things seem to go back to normal between the two of you.

I went back to the wife as the backup plan, but we both had to work hard, especially me, for me to get that mindset of the wife being the backup woman in my life. It wasn't easy and at times we were close to calling it quits. We let things go back to the norm at the beginning and that was a big mistake, just sweeping everything under the rug was not the right thing to do and almost doomed our marriage.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Why did she have the affair three months age? Both of you need to start reading up on how to be better spouses. Go find what really caused this marriage to fall apart. Set some boundries for both of you and get it in writing. This will give you an outline on how both of you want to be treated. Start thinking interms of we not me. discuss the consequences of her past behavior and there are alot of issues on the plate, like trust, fogiveness, forthcoming, accountablity, attension, and openness. 

My wife no longer has privacy or the friendships she had in the past. she excepts the fact that I am her best friend and is willing to give up what ever she has to to help me heal.


Behaviors need to be changed, life styls need to change. You have a big road in front of you and if your W has one doubt about the plans and goals that the marraige is moving towards then reconsider her capacity to be wife. Forgiveness is a tough thing, make sure she understands that she has to do her part in helping you heal. 

Good luck and remember treat her like you like to be treated. If she returns that treatment you will have success.


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