# So I went a little cray cray today…or did I?



## Daisy42 (Jan 19, 2015)

Background: We’ve been together for 21 years, married for 8. About 10 years ago, hubby had an affair, I forgave him, we got married and I thought we were happy until I started seeing signs of him being unhappy in October or November. I asked him if anything was wrong he denied it. Then in January he came home one night and said he wanted a separation to work on himself. I asked him that night if it was because he was interested in another woman; he said no he wouldn’t do that to me again. He said that he loved me, that he was broken and felt he couldn’t fix what was wrong with himself under the same roof. 

He started therapy, I started therapy and we agreed on couple therapy which starts in 2 weeks. 

The last few weekends he’s asked to come home and I’ve agreed to let him stay. We’ve had good weekends together but it’s been very emotionally hard on me every time he leaves. 
So here is where things started going wrong. I went to pay the cell phone bill and I noticed that he had over 1,000 texts. This is extremely out of the norm for him. I noticed that the texts were from the same number and were every day all day and up to like 1130pm. I asked him about it and he told me I needed to trust him. He would NOT tell me who it was. 

Because he cheated on me in the past all of those feelings that I thought I got over came flooding back with the separation and the texts. 

So here is my dumb move of the day and where I went crazy for about an hour today: I looked at the most recent usage and there are non-stop texts to this one number-not just 10 texts, *hundreds*. I decided to call it…it was another woman I got her voice mail so I got her full name. Low and behold they are friends on Facebook. So, I felt if this was truly “innocent” then no problem sending her a friend request-yup crazy. Well…that didn’t go over well she contacted him right away to tattle on me and he FLIPPED out. 

He said that I was crazy and paranoid. That if I can’t trust him that he doesn’t want to do couple therapy and that he’s done. 

So….yeah I totally went cray cray for about an hour today. I immediately felt I did the wrong thing and regretted my actions. I’m better than that and above that. 

Now after what he said to me I feel that I could have ruined our chance of getting back together. 

I did tell him when we first separated that one of my major issues is trust. He cheated once and now left me again so it leaves me feeling like I can’t trust his commitment to our relationship, I don’t feel secure in our relationship and he doesn’t seem to understand my feelings. 

I KNOW I need to trust him to make this work, but I thought it was something that we’d work on in therapy. 

I just really don’t know what to do here. I guess the ball is in his court. I do love him. 

Would you have done the same thing? How out of line was I? I mean if it was innocent why not tell me who he was texting? 

Will therapy help my trust issues or am I doomed? Should I just throw in the towel and call a divorce lawyer even though I do love him? 

Any advice you have would be very welcomed.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Would I have done the same thing.. yes, and a lot more.

Your husband is cheating. No one makes more than 1000 texts to the same number unless they are in an affair.

The major reason for a spouse to ask for a separation to 'work on things' is so that they can have an affair and hide it from their spouse.

You have nothing to be sorry about. You did nothing wrong.

Do you know who this woman is? Is she married.

There is no reason to go to couples counseling since your husband is in an affair. A marriage cannot be fixed when one spouse is cheating. He's lying to you. So what is the point of counseling?


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## Daisy42 (Jan 19, 2015)

I don't know if she is married or not. And thank you for saying that you'd do the same thing. I need to hear all of the things you are saying. My friends are saying the same thing but to hear the opinions here I think will help me. 

As for counseling, I guess that because I do love him that I was hoping that we could work things out. After 21 years, I honestly can't imagine life without him. It's just terrifying.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

If they are just friends then wouldn't she want to be your friend too since you're his wife? Why wouldn't she just accept your friend request? 

No, the first thing she did was call him up and warn him.


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## Daisy42 (Jan 19, 2015)

That was my thought too! If they are just friends then can't we all be friends? I'm so sick to my stomach. Hurts so bad.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Daisy42 said:


> I don't know if she is married or not. And thank you for saying that you'd do the same thing. I need to hear all of the things you are saying. My friends are saying the same thing but to hear the opinions here I think will help me.


Get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It will give you good guidance on how to proceed.

One thing you need to do is to find out about this woman. Does he work with her? Is she married. 

IF you poke around enough on the internet you can probably find out a lot just from that. When you read the book you will see why you need to know more about her.




Daisy42 said:


> As for counseling, I guess that because I do love him that I was hoping that we could work things out. After 21 years, I honestly can't imagine life without him. It's just terrifying.


You cannot do anything on your own. He had to be invested in your relationship/marriage in order for recovery to happen. So until he agrees to end all contact with this woman and agrees to work on recovery with you, there is nothing you can do to fix the marriage.

I suggest that besides reading the book, you get into individual counseling to help you cope.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*In total agreement with those who advocate that 1,000+ texts is greatly indicative of both an EA and a PA on his part! He has been keeping this well hidden from you for quite a while now!

BTW, is the OW's phone number a local or a long-distance number?*


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## Daisy42 (Jan 19, 2015)

It's a local number.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

They're not "friends" and you know it. That's why he left, to see where things might go with ms skvnk. You are plan b, so if you're ok with that by all means grovel and kiss his arse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

When most men say they want to separate to "work on themselves" it means they are cheating or want to cheat. Why would you want to get back together with him? You could never trust him, he is a cheater. Do a 180 on him. Don't see him on the weekends. Let me guess you are having sex with him then? Don't, he is trying to have his cake and eat it. Don't let him. He got upset with you because he got caught.

Your move wasn't dumb, dumb would have been sticking your head in the sand, assuming he was "working on himself" not cheating and still seeing him on the weekends. He would have been happy with that arrangement because he can still see you and anyone else.


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## confusioninGC (Feb 24, 2015)

I would have and have done what you did. My husband and I have been together for 14 years and at this point "friends" of the opposite sex should be mutual. When I noticed a new number and first he said it was a girl he met and he was trying to hook up a friend with her, but they sure talked a lot and long story short it was an affair. Trust your gut and demand the truth from him it's the least your owed.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You're good.

Your husband is definately cheating, probably on the road to walking away for this other woman.
He just didn't want it to be due to his infidelity so he laid some BS on you.

If you want to save this (don't know why you would) find out all you can about the other woman and use that info to damage their affair.

If you don't want to save this call a lawyer and get the divorce going.
I'd calla lawyer either way in your shoes, it would make the thing he didn't want appear to be happening.

*He just didn't want it to be due to his infidelity so he laid some BS on you.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Daisy42 said:


> Background: We’ve been together for 21 years, married for 8. About 10 years ago, hubby had an affair, I forgave him, we got married and I thought we were happy until I started seeing signs of him being unhappy in October or November. I asked him if anything was wrong he denied it. Then in January he came home one night and said he wanted a separation to work on himself. I asked him that night if it was because he was interested in another woman; he said no he wouldn’t do that to me again. He said that he loved me, that he was broken and felt he couldn’t fix what was wrong with himself under the same roof.
> 
> He started therapy, I started therapy and we agreed on couple therapy which starts in 2 weeks.
> 
> ...


I would have done the same thing. Do not beat yourself up. If he knows you have trust issues, and you're both going to counselling, and he wants to make it work, he wouldn't be so quick to tell you it's over.

Honestly - he's the one being shady and somehow manages to turn it around on you. Wow.

Go to individual counselling. Detach from him. Heal yourself, before you even think about healing what you have with him.


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## legaleagle (Dec 29, 2014)

Daisy42 said:


> Now after what he said to me I feel that I could have ruined our chance of getting back together.


Don't believe that for one second! They will always find an excuse for their bad behavior. He didn't do the right thing, that is not your fault so don't for a second listen to or believe the lies!


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

legaleagle said:


> Don't believe that for one second! They will always find an excuse for their bad behavior. He didn't do the right thing, that is not your fault so don't for a second listen to or believe the lies!


My ex would pull the same thing.
"Oh if only you hadnt done X, then we could still be getting together."

Bullsh1t!
They will always find a way to magically make it your fault that they want to be with someone else...thats the way the Fog works.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Wake up. He's cheating. If you are having sex with him when he returns on the weekend from his "separation" you need to stop because he's very likely having sex with her too. Stop letting him manipulate you into thinking you're crazy for not buying his lies.


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## legaleagle (Dec 29, 2014)

SamuraiJack said:


> My ex would pull the same thing.
> "Oh if only you hadnt done X, then we could still be getting together."
> 
> Bullsh1t!
> They will always find a way to magically make it your fault that they want to be with someone else...thats the way the Fog works.


Don't believe for a minute that things would be different if you had not looked for what you had found. He is upset that you busted him. My ex was mad that I did not come to her first with the evidence of her affair, because I consulted with a friend first. She said that I should have waited and talked with her first. 

Don't think for a minute that you ruined your chances by finding what you did. These cheaters react this way because they have been caught RED HANDED. 

So Sorry for your Pain. Reach out to friends for support. It helps.

Hang in there!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Daisy42 said:


> Background: We’ve been together for 21 years, married for 8. About 10 years ago, hubby had an affair, I forgave him, we got married and I thought we were happy until I started seeing signs of him being unhappy in October or November. I asked him if anything was wrong he denied it. Then in January he came home one night and said he wanted a separation to work on himself. I asked him that night if it was because he was interested in another woman; he said no he wouldn’t do that to me again. He said that he loved me, that he was broken and felt he couldn’t fix what was wrong with himself under the same roof.
> 
> He started therapy, I started therapy and we agreed on couple therapy which starts in 2 weeks.
> 
> ...


1. He's cheating on you. 

2. The only "cray cray" thing that you've done is buying into this blind trust bullsh*t that he's feeding you.

3. How can you -- and WHY SHOULD YOU -- trust him when he's not acting in a manner that allows you to trust him?!?


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

I did my crazy moment myself just a week or so ago. I am also separated and supposed to be working on our relationship. Found out he started dating a girl only 6 weeks into our separation even though I asked him over and over. I sent her some nasty text messages (which I also regret) and texted a few of friends that he is cheater and a liar. I like to think of my self as a sane and rational person but we all have our breaking points. If your gut tells you something is off then it is off. Plus if he really was wanting to reconcile he would have handed you the phone the minute you asked him about it not give you a BS line like you need to trust him. Trust is earned and he has not earned it yet.


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