# My wife has said she wants to talk this evening...



## most88 (Jun 14, 2017)

Hi all,

So first thing this morning (about 6am) she says we need to talk about where our relationship is going, and said she's seriously considering a 'break' and had already asked her mum if she could move in with her parents. Seems to me she's already decided basically; or am I just being pessimistic?

We've been together over 8 years and been married just over 3 years.

There's an interesting back story:
She has a childhood male friend who is also married now.

2 weeks before he got married to his wife we were out drinking together and asked if he could talk to my wife alone; the day after my wife told me he declared how all of this time he'd been in love with her.
I kept my cool, and thought he was just drunk and getting cold feet so left it there... mostly. He got married and had a baby.

At our wedding (which I still allowed him to attend) he started crying to my wife's parents about how much he loved my wife, and so on.

From that day my wife and I stopped talking to him; the two-faced low-life prick, in my opinion.

So recently he reaches out to my wife (I'm told it wasn't the other way around) and they've started talking again.
Suddenly he's decided to divorce his wife.

And now we're here with my wife considering a break. What do you all think? Sound suspicious?

We've had our unstable moments as we're both quite stubborn.
Our sex life is basically nonexistent; she attributes it to her lack of self-confidence, but I suspect it's deeper than just that.

I'm at a crossroads and I just don't know what to think of it all. I'd really appreciate any constructive input/advice.

Many thanks.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yea sounds suspicious. 

If she is having an affair, do you still want to try get her to end it and rebuild your marriage? Or are you thinking of just ending the marriage?

Have you done any snooping to find out if she's been calling/texting him a lot? Or done snooping to find out what is really going on?


----------



## most88 (Jun 14, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Yea sounds suspicious.
> 
> If she is having an affair, do you still want to try get her to end it and rebuild your marriage? Or are you thinking of just ending the marriage?
> 
> Have you done any snooping to find out if she's been calling/texting him a lot? Or done snooping to find out what is really going on?


No snooping, but I know they've been messaging each other recently - that's not been a secret though.

I'd want to make our marriage work if we can but now I'm concerned that there's something going else going on.


----------



## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

When did the sex end? Weeks or months? Tapering off or was it kind of sudden?

Important Question: Do you have a joint cellphone account? Get access to the logs OF HER phone. You may not be able to READ her texts that the phone company has, BUT they do have view-able logs of the transactions of incoming and out-going texts.

See if the time they started communicating again matches up with the time your marriage sex life went south.

The fact that he's told her and her mother that he loves her - makes him an ENEMY of your marriage. He's likely been working her for months.

If you don't have kids, then its easier to dump your wife, of course.

Separation (her moving out "for a break") is rarely HOW relationships are fixed. At least not in this situation. I mean, if you both were having fights - then yeah, take a break. But with ho-hum sex and just being room-mates... then its a path to divorce.

ALL marriages require work... on both of you.

So... get the phone logs.
When she is asleep, take her phone into another room and read through her text or other text messaging programs like WhatsApp or Instagram as they are not traceable by the phone company. Look for these apps on her phone. read them.

If there are a lot of text messages. Look for odd missing blocks of text (perhaps deleted) - compare them to the logs from the phone company.
Any questionable or hard evidence - take a pic with your phone (but hide them on something else). Change he settings on her phone to retain 3000 text messages per phone number (some may default to 500)

Lets say there are more than a hundred texts a month between the two of them = problem. Usually, those who are having an affair will have thousands!
If she doesn't want you looking at her phone. She is cheating.

Does this guy live locally?

If they have been texting/etc for months - you're in trouble. Especially if the sex has gone cold for about the same amount of time. If that is the case - then in her brain, she considers sex with you to be CHEATING on that other guy, who says he loves her.


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Take this man out of the equation and tell us about your relationship with your wife. It is difficult to figure out what is going on knowing very little about that and assuming it is all about her friend. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Sorry to hear of your situation. Tador has asked the right questions.

If the sex suddenly stopped, something more than talking has already happened.

If its been tapering off, its about to happen if it hasn't happened already.

If he is fairly local then they have plenty of opportunity I am sure.

If there are missing blocks of text, she has something to hide.

You are right in that he is a two faced lying prick but is she ever going to see him for what he really is ? What kind of [email protected] leaves his new wife just after having a baby?!?!?!? 

Also this is two coincidental for her to decide to leave after he has left his wife and come clean to her parents etc.

In hindsight telling his (then) fiancee about what he said would have been the right thing to do to save her from all this pain.



However …

The real questions are:

If she wants to be with him do you really want her back ? And if so, why…..???

You will need to know the full truth (even if you are separating/divorcing) … are you likely to get this ? Probably not, so will she take a poly ?

Knowing the full truth will help you to understand if she is a lying cheating evil woman or someone who is genuinely pursuing someone she wanted all along.

What do you think is the attraction with him (if there is in fact attraction) ?

Do you have any kids with her ? If not, consider it a blessing that you found out this soon - could have been a lot more damaging to find out later on.


Protect yourself asap and do not leave your home.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

most88 said:


> Hi all,
> 
> So first thing this morning (about 6am) she says we need to talk about where our relationship is going, and said she's seriously considering a 'break' and had already asked her mum if she could move in with her parents. Seems to me she's already decided basically; or am I just being pessimistic?
> 
> ...


Yes, it is very suspicious. Tell your family immediately about this and start monitoring her devices and her activities. Do not put her on notice you have your suspicions. Contact the OM STBX and see if she can throw any light on this.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Check your phone bill if you want to know the depth of this.

I'd also VAR (voice activated recorder)her car. Sitting back if you want to try and make this work will get you nothing.

Better be moving on this


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Separation is to make time for the other guy.

It's a prelude to divorce anyawy so I'd hit her with papers.

You'll only wallow in limbo if you let yourself,

You should have never allowed the renewed contact in your marriage. Too late now


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

she sounds crazy cut your losses.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

You are at a point where you have to make a decision. Do you want to save your marriage or do you want to sit back and see what happens? Very probable a physical affair. You are letting her control the situation, too. Man up! First gather intel and snoop. Call other man's wife. Secondly, and most important have divorce papers served as soon as you can. Lastly, expose to family and friends . Sunlight is a great disinfectant. Also, have her served at her workplace for shock value. You need to act first and act strong. Women only respect strength.

You have to knock her out of the fog. Read up on the 180,you need it. Also, read Married Man's Sex Life Primer and Grow A Pair. Great books. Do not take any more of her ****.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Doesn't sound like a marriage worth bothering to save. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Well, hear her out, and see if what she says makes any sense, or is mostly self-justification for what she wants. Aside from this other guy, is your marriage good, and are you compatible? Have you upheld your side as a good, loving husband? Most likely, if she wants a break, it will be for reasons about you. If they're valid reasons, then all you can do is decide to work on the issues and get her back - but she has to agree to no contact with the other guy while this is resolved. Otherwise, you may be improving for yourself (still a good thing), but it may not have any impact on fixing your marriage.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If it were me after she says what she wants I'd give her the choice of cutting this orbiter off permanently or go straight to divorce.

If you're smart you will not linger in the limbo hell thats coming your way 

It sounds like they may already be deep in a physical affair.

I'm assuming he's in the area?


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

So, your wife wants a separation so she can try out the other guy and see if the grass is greener. She fully expects you'll be waiting for her in case the new relationship doesn't work out. Question is, what are you going to do about it? My advice, tell her that there will be no "break" and she cuts all contact with this weasel NOW or the "break" she wanted becomes a legal separation in anticipation of divorce.

If she puts up a fuss, file.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My brother's wife left him after 25 years because the guy she wasn't allowed to date in high school found her on Facebook, and that was all it took. Sometimes you just can't fight this stuff. 

But if you DO plan to fight it, the first thing you have to do is go have a talk with her parents and siblings and let them know why she's doing what she's doing (i.e. wanting to try him on for size). If that doesn't change anything, there's probably nothing you can do about it because he's her long-lost, the one that got away.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I am sure her parents and probably siblings/very close friends are fully aware of what is going on... sharing with them will sort out whether you have allies or observers.
@turnera is right... there are times when you just let go rather than be dragged deeper into their suffering.

I shouldn't be, but am often surprised when this happens how people think they are investing in the past when it is nothing more than an odd's gamble for the future and leaves them broke in the present.


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

If you try to stay together you will be mad at yourself the rest of your life.

get you duck in a row. the **** storm is coming.

good luck


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Before you make any moves, go up to the POSOM (Piece of sh*t other man), and warn him the fu** off! Tell him that you are both contacting your wife to tell her that he is no longer a prospect. Then tell your wife that he is gone FOREVER... I do not advise violence, however, he should be made aware that communication with her is totally inappropriate. Suggest that he move far far away, else he may wake up one morning to find his gonads in a glass beside his bed. 

Tell her mom and dad that she wants an affair, and you will be merciless with them all if she goes through with it. Their names and reputations will be toast. She will walk around your town with the scarlet A tattooed to her forehead. 

Stand up, be a man.

Do this before your talk this evening. Let her talk and then tell her the reality of the situation...that he has been told to lay the fuc* off, and he is unavailable to her. If she wants to leave tell her to leave with just the damn clothes on her back. 

In this circumstance being a major PRICK will pay off.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

That can also backfire very badly. It depends on whether she is leaving to get away from her husband or to be with the other man. 






Taxman said:


> Before you make any moves, go up to the POSOM (Piece of sh*t other man), and warn him the fu** off! Tell him that you are both contacting your wife to tell her that he is no longer a prospect. Then tell your wife that he is gone FOREVER... I do not advise violence, however, he should be made aware that communication with her is totally inappropriate. Suggest that he move far far away, else he may wake up one morning to find his gonads in a glass beside his bed.
> 
> Tell her mom and dad that she wants an affair, and you will be merciless with them all if she goes through with it. Their names and reputations will be toast. She will walk around your town with the scarlet A tattooed to her forehead.
> 
> ...


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP: do you think she is unhappy with something about you, or she has become interesting in this other man? Which do you think is the original cause?


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Given what has been written, the likelihood of her acting on her new "friendship" is quite high. Backfire or not, it would be prudent to warn him off in any case. Oh, if it is not at affair level as yet, he will hear, boo hoo hoo, you scared my new friend. She will get over that, he will not get over her new friend porking his wife. Not without a tire iron across the new friend's kneecaps.


----------



## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

most88 said:


> At our wedding (which I still allowed him to attend) he started crying to my wife's parents about how much he loved my wife, and so on.
> 
> From that day my wife and I stopped talking to him; the two-faced low-life prick, in my opinion.
> 
> ...


If she's talking privately with him (text, FB messaging, phone calls) and they are expressing feelings for each other, or even if he's the only one expressing feelings of love and she's continuing to engage, this is an EA. Your best bet if you want to save this marriage is to treat this like the emotional affair that it is and follow the steps in Surviving an Affair to recover the marriage. This will include:

1. Exposure to your family, your wife's family, and the OM's family, and your close friends, asking for support and help in ending their affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy and blowing this up will put pressure on their fantasy world.

2. You do not leave your home. If your wife leaves to stay with her parents, they will hopefully be aware of what she is doing and help put a stop to the affair, knowing that her loving husband wants to save the marriage.

3. Implement a list of precautions in your marriage. No more OS friends unless they are friends of the marriage and see and talk to you two together, not privately.

4. Full transparency in the marriage. This means you know the details of your wife's day, including where she is, who she is with, and what she is doing.


----------



## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

If you both don't have kids and she moves out.

Consider the marriage dead.

File for divorce. Offer her a FAST divorce if she goes away quickly, no alimony - and you won't embarrass her publicly with her infidelity. 

After divorce is final. tell others she's a cheater and her new boyfriend left his wife and child to be with your wife.


----------



## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Difficult to give good advice if the OP disappears.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I tend to believe when they ask for separation you should force their hand and give them the papers the next day. Separation is really about easing the pain of divorce at the expense of the one being separated from. If you have to suffer she should too. 

Also call this dudes wife and ask if she know if they are talking.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

No begging, crying or pleading you'll just look weak and lower your status to zero


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

most88 said:


> Hi all,
> 
> So first thing this morning (about 6am) she says we need to talk about where our relationship is going, and said she's seriously considering a 'break' and had already asked her mum if she could move in with her parents. Seems to me she's already decided basically; or am I just being pessimistic?
> 
> ...


Ok what is left to save and why would you want to save what is left.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* @most88 ~ after reading your story, I definitely smell "a rat!"

Something tells me that this little meeting that she's wanting to convene with you is to drop the nuclear bomb on your unsuspecting backside!

Check her phone and social media ASAP! I wouldn't bet against her committing some covert "hanky panky" with him as we speak!*


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

@most88 how are things going?


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

most88 said:


> No snooping, but I know they've been messaging each other recently - that's not been a secret though.
> 
> I'd want to make our marriage work if we can but now I'm concerned that there's something going else going on.


You're not gonna be able to make your marriage work for as long as he's in it, and it doesn't sound like your wife plans on dropping him.

Any kids?


----------

