# how to help spouse?



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

My husband has developed severe insomnia and depression since hearing that I am leaving our marriage. He has always been very dependent on me. I want to help him through this--mostly for the sake of our kids, and because I don't like to see anyone suffer. I'm just not sure how far to go. I thought he was getting counseling as well as seeing a psychiatrist for meds, but it turns out he dropped the counseling after a couple of sessions because "it didn't seem to help that much." I'm not happy about that, but what's done is done (and I only learned this recently). 

We are still sharing a house and are considering sharing a one-bedroom apartment near the house with each of us going back and forth, for the next 6 months to a year or so, until we can put the house on the market. I do not want to share living space with him, frankly, but it would reduce the financial strain and that is one of his big obsessions right now. It might be an easier transition for the kids, too. Not sure about that, but in theory it seems easier on them for us to go back and forth, rather than them.

What else can I do to help my spouse? He is afraid he's becoming suicidal, so I've encouraged him to seek in-patient treatment beginning tonight or tomorrow (he has one more class to teach and wants to get through that). The financial impact will be huge, but I'm ok with that; I figure you deal with what you get, and move on. 

Thanks for any feedback you can offer.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

This is one of the pratfalls of continuing to live with a spouse once it's decided the relationship is done...

It's foolish and impractical no matter the financial burden or kids or whatever reason (excuse) can be made to make an arrangement like this.

He needs someone to lean on and that someone can't be you even though you're there...and that's heartbreaking.

One mistake after the next...

There isn't going to be much you can do at this point except guide him in the right direction to get help, keeping the course is up to him.

Preacher


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Divorce is horrible. Don't know why you are getting one but I am sorry for all the hurt each of you are facing. I need more info before I could even start to give my opinion...again so sorry.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

"He has always been very dependent on me. I want to help him through this-":scratchhead:

Well, he isn't going to get MORE independent and able to help himself cope unless you stop making him dependent on you.

This is something he needs to manage on his own, to be honest.

I think the apartment off to the side is a wonderful idea for people with younger kids. Having kids do all the packing up and moving back and forth right off the bat is so disruptive. I saw this idea years back, where a judge ordered it for a family who have six kids! The judge said the kids get the house and you two can move back and forth on your days of visitation...works great for those willing to think first of the kids (schools, belonging, etc)


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Oh and JD: :iagree:


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I'd advise that living with him is not a good idea if your to divorce. That is not good thinking to me to shuffle back and forth. Instead find a good counselor if needed ( and it sounds like you do) to intrduce him to and work with them until the counselor can come up with ways for him to be not so dependent on you. The way your doing it, to me, sounds like pure insanity and I don't know what you hope to accomplish except ruin both your lives.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

We would not be living together. When he's in the house with the kids, I'd be at the apartment; when I'm at the house, he'd be at the apartment. I guess that wasn't clear. But getting out of the same house is key for me and I'm working on it. He's so obsessed with not having enough money that he can't think of anything else. I guess I just need to force the situation on him so he has to deal with it.

It makes me angry that everything he says is about him or the money--never about the kids. He wants them "so he won't be lonely" and so he won't have to pay child support. How selfish is that? I want them b/c I love them and want to be with them and want to support them through all this.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> We would not be living together. When he's in the house with the kids, I'd be at the apartment; when I'm at the house, he'd be at the apartment. I guess that wasn't clear. But getting out of the same house is key for me and I'm working on it. He's so obsessed with not having enough money that he can't think of anything else. I guess I just need to force the situation on him so he has to deal with it.
> 
> It makes me angry that everything he says is about him or the money--never about the kids. He wants them "so he won't be lonely" and so he won't have to pay child support. How selfish is that? I want them b/c I love them and want to be with them and want to support them through all this.



so in this living arrangement...
exactly how is he being dependent on you?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

We haven't gotten out of the one house, yet; the target is sometime in August, before our semesters begin. In the meantime, I'm trying to be away from home as much as I can, on vacation, staying with family, just going out to a park to hike, run, or read a few hours each day. We are both home for the summer b/c we both teach.

His dependency runs the gamut from getting lost all the time and calling me for directions or expecting me to know all the time how to get where we are going, to wanting me to help him with his anxiety and insomnia--begging me to "back off" on the divorce until he gets more sleep, for example, like waiting until next summer. He recently said that a divorce is too expensive and overwhelming, so he "can't do it." He has been passive-aggressive our whole marriage (by his own admission to our joint therapist), taking every request I've made as a criticism and just refusing to do things (after telling me of course he would get to it). I honestly thought he had some type of mental illness that made him incapable of keeping a home clean, neat, and orderly. He will tell me he "can't deal with" a crying child or a sick child. The list goes on and on. There are so many things he "can't" do, and I bought into that for so long. I know now he chose NOT to do most of them and was perfectly capable if forced to do things--although watching him learn things most adults learn early in life (like how to get a pre-approval for therapy from the Insurance company) has been painful.

He may well make someone else a great husband, after he learns to take care of himself and to be more assertive. Unfortunately, I got to the point where I wanted to throw up if he touched me, and my body would go numb, so I quit letting him touch me a long time ago while I would "service" him. He was perfectly happy with this until I got to the point where I couldn't do it anymore. All hell broke loose when, after one of his "we need to talk about this" statements (always followed by him leaving the room), I followed him and said, "OK, let's talk." I had waited for him to initiate an actual conversation (I have always taken that role, but thought he should do it since the sex thing was important to him), and I guess some part of me knew that conversation could have no good end. 

Wow, sorry, this has turned into a dissertation. Truthfully, I married hime HOPING to love him enough, knowing I didn't feel about him as I probably should. He was--and is--a very nice person, smart and funny, and he was ga-ga over me, which o course at the time was the main attraction. Once married, he expected me to take care of everything not related to his job, and I did, for a long time, until the sex issue erupted. I probably wouldn't be leaving even now if that hadn't happened, although I've been thinking about divorce since 1993. Yeah, I'm an idiot. But I'm willing to take my chances and be a single mom for the rest of my days if I must, just for the chance, somewhere down the road, to meet a real grown-up who wants me but doesn't need me to take care of him, and who doesn't take every damn suggestion or request I make (especially in the bedroom) as a criticism to be resisted. 

Maybe, somewhere in here, I answered your question, preso.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

His dependency runs the gamut from getting lost all the time and calling me for directions 
STOP ANSWERING THE PHONE AND RETURNING HIS CALLS

or expecting me to know all the time how to get where we are going
STOP BEING WITH HIM AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE OR TAKE YOUR OWN CAR
, to wanting me to help him with his anxiety and insomnia--
REFER HIM TO A DOCTOR

begging me to "back off" on the divorce until he gets more sleep, 
STOP ALL DIVORCE DISCUSSION.. HAVE THE ATTORNEY HANDLE IT

for example, like waiting until next summer. He recently said that a divorce is too expensive and overwhelming, so he "can't do it." 
DO IT ANYWAY.

He has been passive-aggressive our whole marriage (by his own admission to our joint therapist), taking every request I've made as a criticism and just refusing to do things (after telling me of course he would get to it). 
ALL THE MORE REASON TO STOP COMMUNICATION 

I honestly thought he had some type of mental illness 
HE MOST LIKELY DOES, NOT A REASON TO POSTPONE DIVORCE.

that made him incapable of keeping a home clean, neat, and orderly.
WHO CARES, YOU DONT HAVE TO LIVE IN HIS FILTH. IF HE CANNOT PROVIDE SAFE, CLEAN ENVIROMENT FOR KIDS, MAYBE NO VISITATION

He will tell me he "can't deal with" a crying child or a sick child.
HAVE THE LAWYER and COURTS DEAL WITH HIM, MAYBE HE IS NOT A COMPETANT PARENT ?

The list goes on and on. There are so many things he "can't" do, and I bought into that for so long. 
TIME TO STOP

I know now he chose NOT to do most of them and was perfectly capable if forced to do things--
SO FORCE HIM, HE HAS HAD ENOUGH TIME

although watching him learn things most adults learn early in life (like how to get a pre-approval for therapy from the Insurance company) has been painful.
ALL THE MORE REASON TO SEEK A SPEEDY DIVORCE.
_____________________________________

THAT ^ is helping him. What you dont want to do is enable him, maybe the fact of the matter is, he is not competant to watch the kids and should not be left alone with them if he is mentally ill.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

preso said:


> THAT ^ is helping him. What you dont want to do is enable him, maybe the fact of the matter is, he is not competant to watch the kids and should not be left alone with them if he is mentally ill.


Preso, I love it when you tell it like it is. I told him today that if he can't move forward, to get a lawyer who can do it for him. I want us to remain on good terms for the kids' sake, and I worry that lawyers will drive wedges between us (not to mention the $$ we will have to shell out, which is so unnecessary b/c it's not a complicated divorce, very little property/debt and 50/50 placement), but things must get moving and if that is the only way they can, then that's what we need to do. 

If he proves non-functional on his own, I will move to protect the kids and he will have to accept the consequences. I told him repeatedly over the years to get help, but he wouldn't--and now the rooster is home to roost. I hope it doesn't come to that; it would be so much harder on the kids! But I wonder what would have happen if I had died? What would have happened to my kids? Scary thought.

As for the other dependencies, I've quit "taking the calls" as of a couple of months ago.


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