# Boyfriend's Toxic Co-Parent



## luxnoctis (Jun 29, 2017)

I'm frustrated with my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend with whom he has one biological child. My boyfriend recently got joint custody of his daughter. His ex is horrible. I think she may have borderline personality disorder based on her behavior. She is extremely controlling, manipulative and negative. 

She is angry that my boyfriend won more custody of their daughter and the first week he had her, his ex threatened to call the police on him twice. The first time she said she didn't believe he hadn't been drinking at a work dinner and threatened to call the police to give him a breathlyzer. She didn't actually do it, or the police didn't act on her call. A couple of days later she was angry that a check for child care costs (not ordered by the court) wasn't clearing fast enough and threatened to call the cops for I don't know what. She ended up just calling friend of the court and saying that he didn't pay her child support. That generated a show cause hearing, but since his payments are electronic through the court it was quickly cleared up. 

My boyfriend is also in military reserves and is on base some times. His ex tries to deny him make up parenting time by making it extremely exhausting and difficult to schedule it. Every small thing pisses her off. Their daughter is 5 years old and very happy at our house. She loves me and my kids. But she is young and talks freely about what happens at our house. The ex constantly hounds my boyfriend over things that normal people are not even bothered about, much less angry about. 

We plan to get married in a year and a half and to possibly have one more child. But with his ex going crazy over everything all the time, I'm concerned about dealing with the stress of her behavior and threats while we would be planning a wedding, trying to have his daughter be at the wedding, planning a honeymoon, and all the things that could become a hassle with having our own child together. 

Does anyone have any experience with this kind of co-parent or having a child with a man with a toxic co-parent? I want to know anything about minimizing her effect on our lives. I especially want to hear about how this relationship might look long term from anyone who had a similar relationship for years.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Document it all of this over a period of time. Look to get full custody. Understand that calls the police at a drop of a dime for nothing and calling wolf for late child support payments, etc will not bode well for the X. Always, always have a VAR with him at any time he talks with the X.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Forgot to mention, don't play into the anger and nonsense of the X. Smile, be pleasant and agreeable. That'll really piss off the X. She is only for a rise out of you and your BF. Don't let her have it. Document!


----------



## luxnoctis (Jun 29, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> Forgot to mention, don't play into the anger and nonsense of the X. Smile, be pleasant and agreeable. That'll really piss off the X. She is only for a rise out of you and your BF. Don't let her have it. Document!


She doesn't get a rise out of either of us. Its just obnoxious and makes me worry about how far she will go and how crazy she might act when we get engaged, married, have a kid. She is very delusional and believes that her ex is this horrible monster that her daughter needs to stay away from. I've never seen a better example of a great father in my boyfriend. She honestly believes that her daughter can't stand being at her dad's house for more than 4 days at a time. Yet, when her daughter is here for a week she is incredibly happy. I have a son the same age as her and they are like two peas in a pod. When she calls her dad from her mom's house every day, she also wants to talk to my sons. This is why I believe the ex is delusional. She doesn't see reality as it actually is, she sees want she wants to see. I feel horrible for their daughter. 

We document as much as we can and my boyfriend is going to make a formal complaint to FOC about the make up parenting time she did deny him. I hope eventually we can get more custody or full custody, but she has a brother and sister at her mom's house so I don't know if we can.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

luxnoctis said:


> We document as much as we can and my boyfriend is going to make a formal complaint to FOC about the make up parenting time she did deny him. I hope eventually we can get more custody or full custody, but she has a brother and sister at her mom's house so I don't know if we can.


Great plan of action. His siblings at home should have not bearing on custody. These are an uncle and aunt. Family!


----------



## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

First she is probably really upset and jealous
that he has moved on and is happy.
As yeswecan said document, document everything. If she calls 
the police and they respond then she may be charged 
with filing a false police report. If he is in the reserves
then maybe JAG office ( free military lawyers ) can advise 
him. Document even video recording if she goes off and 
acts crazy.


----------



## Akinaura (Dec 6, 2011)

I'm gonna echo what's been said: Document!!

A smart phone can be turned into a VAR through an apps that record audio, they are free downloads. I've used them personally when I had an out of control niece to help her understand her anger fits were out WAY out of line 

As far as the X goes, shes using the daughter as a weapon against your boyfriend which is unfortunate and unfair to the child. She didn't get her way in the custody hearing, so shes taking it out on him through control tactics with the child. That is why you need to document everything. You have to show the courts that she is not filling the custody plan, trying to control access to the child, not looking out for the benefit of the child, so that you can petition for more custody if the child.


----------



## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Why did they split up? 

Who broke up with who?

How long were they together?

How long have the two of you been together?

How long have you known him?

Have you talked with his friends and family and got their opinion on what kind of man he is?

Not trying to put you on the defensive. But your answers will determine my advice.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have you been dating this guy?

When was your divorce final? Or is it still going on.

My concern for you is that you seem very involved in your boyfriend's drama. This is all his problem, not yours. You might want to consider pulling back and telling him that he needs to handle his ex and you don't want to be part of all this.


----------



## luxnoctis (Jun 29, 2017)

Inloveforeverwithhubby said:


> Why did they split up?
> 
> Who broke up with who?
> 
> ...


----------



## luxnoctis (Jun 29, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> How long have you been dating this guy?
> 
> When was your divorce final? Or is it still going on.
> 
> My concern for you is that you seem very involved in your boyfriend's drama. This is all his problem, not yours. You might want to consider pulling back and telling him that he needs to handle his ex and you don't want to be part of all this.


It was final 2 months after I filed last year. They waived the 6 month waiting period because we resovled everything and had a signed agreement. I did feel myself starting to get involved emotionally with this drama and I pulled back. Since I've posted I've talked to him about only talking to her by written means partly for documentation and partly because I can hear everything she says when they talk on the phone and it irks me so much. I got very concerned when she brought up police 2x in a week and she generally seems crazy to me. I don't know her where I could judge what her limits are and I worry about her doing something really bad to him and or me and my kids. 

They had way too much contact through text messaging/arguing but now that he has a custody order he has been able to cut it back. It wasn't enough so I talked to him and he cut their communication even further. He's just been trying to talk to his daughter every day over the phone to stop his ex from alienating his daughter like she did with the older two kids. 

I just love his daughter so much and she loves her Dad. The thing that's very concerning is that his ex alienated the two older children who he raised from 2 and 4 years old, they called him their dad, and had a great relationship with him. As soon as she found out he was in a relationship (the first one he told her about since they broke up) she flipped out and accused him of taking on another girlfriend with young kids and that he will forget all about the older two kids. She believed it and made it true. I watched it fall apart where now the older two refuse to see or talk to my boyfriend. The custody case made it worse because his ex refused to talk about the other two or let him talk to them.

It happened so quickly and I'm worried about his little girl being alienated as well. I don't know what it's like for her to be at home with two older siblings who think her dad is crap basically. I read about parental alientation and its recommended to have as much contact with the child to prevent or curb alienation. I'm definitely emotionally involved with his daughter. She is bright and happy but her mom and brother have mental health problems and her sister has emotional problems. I want to be able to keep my boyfriend's daughter with us as much as possible. Her older brother drew a knife on his mom in front of his sisters and now we don't know what is going on with that brother, but I wouldn't think it's getting better. 

I really feel upset for his daughter and I want her involved in everything we do as much as possible. That's why I want advice about keeping the ex at bay and maybe also any other tips on countering badmouthing/alienation. And emotionally this is something I've never had to deal with; getting attached to a child who has a great father but is surrounded by people telling her the opposite. I watched the other two kids get alienated and I hope that's not what's in store for this little girl.


----------



## luxnoctis (Jun 29, 2017)

Inloveforeverwithhubby said:


> Why did they split up?
> I missed this question. She had many affairs during their relationship and guys on call when he was on base. Towards the end of their relationship, he also cheated on her and told her about it. I'm not taking his word on these things; there is evidence that supports her affairs and his affair. Despite that, he proposed to her and she agreed. 2 months before the wedding she said that she didn't love him anymore after he cheated on her. But my boyfriend also found out that she was messaging an old flame at the same time (who was married). So also she ended it to explore a relationship with an ex of hers.


----------



## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Thanks for answering my questions.

Wow! Your in a real pickle.

Is he worth the drama and trouble his ex bring?

It may never change. 

It may even accelerate if you get married to him and start having kids together.

She is an abuser. She is not happy her whipping boy escaped.

Is she married now?

Is she in a serious relationship?

The only time she might let up is when she moves on in her personal life, but given her history, that may be never 

Is there a way to have the judge order her to get counseling and a psych eval?

Is there a neutral third party who could be a go between?


----------



## luxnoctis (Jun 29, 2017)

Inloveforeverwithhubby said:


> Thanks for answering my questions.
> 
> Wow! Your in a real pickle.
> 
> ...


Possibly her own mother. My boyfriend hasn't talked to her since the custody case opened but she has a high opinion of him and is pretty neutral. She once told him she thought her daughter was bipolar. My boyfriend has still be reluctant to reach out to her. And also, if his ex found out there would be enormous backlash. Any attempts to curb her behavior enrage her.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

luxnoctis said:


> I'm frustrated with my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend with whom he has one biological child. My boyfriend recently got joint custody of his daughter. His ex is horrible. I think she may have borderline personality disorder based on her behavior. She is extremely controlling, manipulative and negative.
> 
> She is angry that my boyfriend won more custody of their daughter and the first week he had her, his ex threatened to call the police on him twice. The first time she said she didn't believe he hadn't been drinking at a work dinner and threatened to call the police to give him a breathlyzer. She didn't actually do it, or the police didn't act on her call. A couple of days later she was angry that a check for child care costs (not ordered by the court) wasn't clearing fast enough and threatened to call the cops for I don't know what. She ended up just calling friend of the court and saying that he didn't pay her child support. That generated a show cause hearing, but since his payments are electronic through the court it was quickly cleared up.
> 
> ...


Mrs. Conan's ex/co parent was toxic. I destroyed him, on purpose, using any legal means necessary and I was brutal, nasty and ruthless. He died soon after by drinking himself into oblivion and having an accident.

When someone is insane and is trying their best to harm my family, they go down.

My way doesn't work for everyone but it does work.

My stepson is doing well and calls me dad. He has been far better off without the crazy in his life.

My advice is to destroy her using any legal means necessary. Don't play nice. She is a belligerent and stupid woman and should be easy to take down.

I'm wired a certain way however. This course won't work unless you are ready to pulverize her into submission.

I beat the **** out of bullies. Trying to compromise your life for a bully is slavery.


----------



## luxnoctis (Jun 29, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> Mrs. Conan's ex/co parent was toxic. I destroyed him, on purpose, using any legal means necessary and I was brutal, nasty and ruthless. He died soon after by drinking himself into oblivion and having an accident.
> 
> When someone is insane and is trying their best to harm my family, they go down.
> 
> ...


Believe me, it has crossed my mind. But I don't know where the two older kids would end up if their mother lost custody. Their bio dad is just as bad, possibly worse. Also my boyfriend would never be on board and I'm not someone who could lie to my partner's face while nefariously taking someone down. So this isn't an option for me. I do hope she screws something up all on her own though. She was arrested in a previous relationship for domestic violence and is dangerously straddling legal boundaries.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

luxnoctis said:


> Believe me, it has crossed my mind. But I don't know where the two older kids would end up if their mother lost custody. Their bio dad is just as bad, possibly worse. Also my boyfriend would never be on board and I'm not someone who could lie to my partner's face while nefariously taking someone down. So this isn't an option for me. I do hope she screws something up all on her own though. She was arrested in a previous relationship for domestic violence and is dangerously straddling legal boundaries.


Will she accept friendship?


----------



## luxnoctis (Jun 29, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> Will she accept friendship?


Friendship with whom?


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

luxnoctis said:


> Friendship with whom?


You and your man. Being an ally can be a powerful persuasive.

I'm mostly conversing about psychological warfare and tactics here.

I have found them extremely effective.


----------



## luxnoctis (Jun 29, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> You and your man. Being an ally can be a powerful persuasive.
> 
> I'm mostly conversing about psychological warfare and tactics here.
> 
> I have found them extremely effective.


Lol. I tried reaching out to her online. I was extremely polite and positive. She came at me with long rants, kept emphasizing how she doesn't need to know anything about me, and how we are at the bottom of her priority list. She also attacked my boyfriend's character. Then she told me to never talk to her. One night a month or two after this she was extremely pissed at my boyfriend and messaged me to ask how long we have been dating because apparently she thought my boyfriend was lying and had actually been dating me since the two of them split up the year before we even met. I reminded her that she didn't want to talk to me and I told her to only talk to my boyfriend. She replied with f*ck you b*tch. 

So my hopes for a friendly "it takes a village" co-parenting relationship never had a chance.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

luxnoctis said:


> Lol. I tried reaching out to her online. I was extremely polite and positive. She came at me with long rants, kept emphasizing how she doesn't need to know anything about me, and how we are at the bottom of her priority list. She also attacked my boyfriend's character. Then she told me to never talk to her. One night a month or two after this she was extremely pissed at my boyfriend and messaged me to ask how long we have been dating because apparently she thought my boyfriend was lying and had actually been dating me since the two of them split up the year before we even met. I reminded her that she didn't want to talk to me and I told her to only talk to my boyfriend. She replied with f*ck you b*tch.
> 
> So my hopes for a friendly "it takes a village" co-parenting relationship never had a chance.


She is weak. I've found that harsh words are often cover for weakness and pain.

If you have it in you, read "The Art of War" paying particular attention to keeping your enemies close.

I have made lifelong friends and allies from bitter enemies by showing I could beat them and then helping them instead. I didn't do it expecting reciprocity. I did it to show my strength and my ability, and willingness, to help instead of harm.

She is weak and will continue to attract harm to herself.

She will need allies. It is one path that could work.

I don't let anyone dictate my future or interfere with my sexual selection.

I think too many give in to external pressure instead of defeating their adversaries and enjoying their lives.

Anything worth having will have attempts made to destroy or steal it. Anything worth having is worth fighting for.


----------



## luxnoctis (Jun 29, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> She is weak. I've found that harsh words are often cover for weakness and pain.
> 
> If you have it in you, read "The Art of War" paying particular attention to keeping your enemies close.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the book tip. I'll look for it on Amazon. I don't think we are going to have any contact in any form, despite two lawyers telling her that its ridiculous she has never met me and needs to do so asap. Maybe if I have a child with my boyfriend in the future then some contact might inevitably happen with her daughter being a sibling to my child. But we haven't even made a conclusive decision on having another child. Maybe adoption years from now. 

I'm always open to welcoming people from rehabilitation or finding a way to bring things to amicable terms. I don't see right now how that will ever happen without her gettting psychiatric help for herself. She's in her thirties and a good manipulator and liar. I've heard her lie over the phone to my boyfriend when either he or I knew for a fact she was telling a lie. If I didn't know it was a lie, it would sound completely truthful to me. I could suck at telling when someone is a lying but she's gotten this far in her life so I think she probably a really good liar. 

I look forward to reading the Art of War; I hope I can learn some strategies for dealing with such an adversial character in my life. 

The positive thing I look at, is that she reminds me to be a better person, a better co-parent, and a better parent in general. I've avoided making co-parenting mistakes with the father of my kids because I've seen the ugliest side of things from her. She reminds me of a lot of behaviors I used to do and that keeps me on track to not falling back into old ways because I don't want to be as ugly of a person as she is. And her parenting flaws with her children remind me to be a better emotional example for my kids.


----------



## luxnoctis (Jun 29, 2017)

I wish things could be amicable. It really crushes my heart when my son and her daughter innocently talk about meeting her mother and her other siblings. They are so happy with each other and are totally unaware that her mother and siblings do not ever want to meet me or my kids. One night the daughter was videochatting with her mother and asked my son to come talk to her mom. Her mom immediately hung up and the daughter cried. I don't know what we'll have to say to them when they eventually come to notice this huge barrier.


----------

