# Question for the men



## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

Well, women are free to answer, but I think men's perspective here might help me understand this better.

My husband and I have had years of pretty major issues in our marriage, much of it originating from an event that triggered depression in my husband, the resulting effects of that and finally, the resentments I have built up over it all. Sex obviously has decreased a lot. We've gone many weeks and sometimes over a month without having any sex, all that despite the fact that we both wanted more. 

This past week, I think we finally may have made some progress in resolving these issues. We're far from at the finish line, but there has been what I perceive as a perspective switch. We went to a party last night, and when we came home, we had good sex, which was awesome. 3 hours later, in the middle of the night, he woke me up for sex again...and AGAIN this morning before I was totally awake, he was wanting it again. Due to all of the resentments I'm still feeling, there's part of me that is feeling just a bit "used" (my issue, I know...) but I'm also wondering if it's something else. If what I understand about sex for a man is true, that it's an expression of his feelings, maybe this flurry of sexual feelings is actually him showing me an emotional side. 

And as a side note...I have to say that I'm impressed that at 41, he was able to...complete the act 3 times in less than 8 hours. :smthumbup:


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

One day at a time. Dont jump the gun or draw any conclusions just yet. Let it play out. 

As for feeling used, you have said you both have wanted more sex. Dont look so hard for reasons to ruin a good thing.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

he may have been holding back, being stubborn if you will, now he just broke loose and realized how good it is


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

If you feel like you've had a breakthrough, it's likely he feels that way too. As you suspect, sex is a way for a husband to connect with his wife.

Give your rationalization hamster the night off and enjoy the good loving.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

PHTlump said:


> If you feel like you've had a breakthrough, it's likely he feels that way too. As you suspect, sex is a way for a husband to connect with his wife.
> 
> Give your rationalization hamster the night off and enjoy the good loving.


exactly, my wife and i have had a great 2 weeks, i dont understand it at all but im alot happier and so is she, roll with it


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

Michelle27 said:


> Well, women are free to answer, but I think men's perspective here might help me understand this better.
> 
> My husband and I have had years of pretty major issues in our marriage, much of it originating from an event that triggered depression in my husband, the resulting effects of that and finally, the resentments I have built up over it all. Sex obviously has decreased a lot. We've gone many weeks and sometimes over a month without having any sex, all that despite the fact that we both wanted more.
> 
> ...


It may have been something as simple as seeing you talking and unconsciously flirting with another man. Sometimes a little jump-start like that can have consequences.

Here's an idea: ask HIM what inspired him so much. You might be surprised.


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## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

Thanks for your replies. I was pretty sure it was about connecting. The feeling used comes from the resentments over the past years of being mistreated due to his inability to cope with things that happened to a family member, and the fallout from that. While I've definitely wanted more sex in our marriage, in my opinion that would result from my emotional needs being met. He has often said that more sex would get my emotional needs to be met, but I have felt that it's been years since he attempted to meet those needs, because he just hasn't been able to look past his own pain from the events that triggered his depression. So the resentments I'm carrying are unfortunately giving me the message that once again, I'm doing something he wants while he's not necessarily giving me what I want or need. It's a pattern that needs to be changed, and I am working on that. 

As far as asking him, I'd love to, but that's the kind of question that often sets him up with a lot of anger because of his issues right now. One thing I've learned dealing with all of this crap is that I haven't been able to depend on him for any of my emotional needs at all so I don't look to him to answer questions like that as it often ends up with emotional pain on my part. It's been easier and "safer" for me to just pull back and not open myself up to that kind of pain. He has acknowledged that his actions have resulted in me not feeling emotionally safe (which is what partially led to the reduction in sex) but wants me just to forgive years of emotional abuse and drop the wall I've put up to protect myself. As much as I want that wall down, it's been put there to protect myself, so it's not as simple as just saying, "ok, I will open myself up again". 

Anyway...not sure I'm making sense here, but I appreciate the responses.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Many men won't provide affection (or safety, whatever your specific need is) until they get sex. And many women won't provide sex until they get affection. That's a common stalemate that must be broken.

Look for a recent thread titled something like "husband ruined the weekend over sex" on this board.

The basic advice is, you've got to break the stalemate. Suck it up (temporarily) and provide the sex your husband needs and you desire. After a few weeks of your new and improved relationship, you can approach your husband in a much more loving manner and ask for what you need without as much risk of getting his defenses up.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

sounds like hysterical bonding to me


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Michelle27 said:


> And as a side note...I have to say that I'm impressed that at 41, he was able to...complete the act 3 times in less than 8 hours. :smthumbup:


Whoa . . . 41 ain't so old. as others said . . . roll with it.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> Many men won't provide affection (or safety, whatever your specific need is) until they get sex. And many women won't provide sex until they get affection. That's a common stalemate that must be broken.
> 
> Look for a recent thread titled something like "husband ruined the weekend over sex" on this board.
> 
> The basic advice is, you've got to break the stalemate. Suck it up (temporarily) and provide the sex your husband needs and you desire. After a few weeks of your new and improved relationship, you can approach your husband in a much more loving manner and ask for what you need without as much risk of getting his defenses up.



Word. Guys can't process their inner emotions without sex, or at least not very efficiently. So the more time you take . . . the more time it will take. If the dude is angry, let him be angry and express his anger. You know what they say about dudes who repress their anger and resentment over long periods of time?

"He was so young to go like that . . . "


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## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

You are so right about the anger...and that's what I've been struggling with. He has legitimate anger over things that don't have anything to do with me, but he has directed at me because he has felt unable to get it out any other way. He admits this. This anger has been explosive and has crossed into verbal and emotional abuse. I have, in response, put up a wall that has lowered the sexual frequency. From my perspective, it was a protective wall. From his perspective, I was putting it up to shut him out. He has been pretty clear in his desire for me to drop the wall first, but after literally hundreds of his anger displays, most way out of proportion to the situation, it's not easy for me. I honestly feel that it's unfair of him to expect me to drop the wall that easily. I need to see something in the way of sincere effort on his part to deal with that anger (which I totally understand and agree with him being able to feel) and how he expresses it. I HAVE given him many years (at least 4) to work on that and process his own feelings but I can't be the emotional punching bag and still be expected to provide for his needs to be met whenever he wants. 

It isn't just "dudes" who hold onto resentment, believe me. ;-)


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Michelle27 said:


> You are so right about the anger...and that's what I've been struggling with. He has legitimate anger over things that don't have anything to do with me, but he has directed at me because he has felt unable to get it out any other way. He admits this. This anger has been explosive and has crossed into verbal and emotional abuse. I have, in response, put up a wall that has lowered the sexual frequency. From my perspective, it was a protective wall. From his perspective, I was putting it up to shut him out. He has been pretty clear in his desire for me to drop the wall first, but after literally hundreds of his anger displays, most way out of proportion to the situation, it's not easy for me. I honestly feel that it's unfair of him to expect me to drop the wall that easily. I need to see something in the way of sincere effort on his part to deal with that anger (which I totally understand and agree with him being able to feel) and how he expresses it. I HAVE given him many years (at least 4) to work on that and process his own feelings but I can't be the emotional punching bag and still be expected to provide for his needs to be met whenever he wants.
> 
> It isn't just "dudes" who hold onto resentment, believe me. ;-)


So, is your husband doing anything to try and learn how to manage his anger?

I agree with not being an emotional punching bag for your husband. Sometimes, it comes to a point where you just have to stand up for yourself and demand that you get decent treatment. You'll have to decide where the line is that you would draw if he's not willing to overcome the anger issues that he has.

Best wishes.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

He's trying to erase the bad. I'm a guy.

You would be best to tell him exactly what you told us. That you wouldn't mind every other day or so but not every day!

Any guy with any ounce of respect would agree to that. If he does't then feel used

Set limits while you can... he needs to be grateful you'll have sex that often.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Don't look too hard up that Rhino's ass.


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## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

His anger is definitely something he has wanted to work on. But..he's told me that he's scared to delve into it because it might mean opening up doors he's been trying to cover up all of his life. He is terrified and while I'm sympathetic, I am hurting because of the fallout too.

And don't get me wrong...I haven't been an angel just "taking it" all of these years. I have begged, pleaded, ordered, demanded and nagged for him to get help. I have also at times responded to anger with anger and invalidation. Most of the time, his anger is justifiable on some extent, but what he does with it is where the problem is. At various times over the past few years, he's "given in" to me by signing up for counseling but only goes to a few sessions and pronounces himself cured, or makes excuses about it not fitting into the schedule or whatever. The truth is, he's terrified. And me pushing him was wrong. He needs to want help for himself, not for me. This week he actually made a call and saw a counselor without my insistence for the first time ever. I am impressed, but will have to wait to see how it plays out. 

Trying2figureitout, I don't even want to specify a certain amount...I think that kills the spontaneity of good sex, IMO. I do feel a bit like he took advantage of my willingness to open up and drop the wall a bit by not just just having sex once (and it was good sex...started with a full body massage in which it really did seem more about my needs than his) but waking me up again 3 hours later, and then again a few hours after that. I'm trying not to see it as him once again getting what he wants but still being unwilling to look at what my emotional needs are. I have to give him a chance, I know that. The day after this "active" night, he left out of town for 4 days, so it's not like I can expect him to provide any of my needs now, but I'm scared I'm going to be watching for it like a hawk when he gets home in a few days, and I'm so tired of the score keeping. I'm sick of feeling resentful all the time, but I'm still not sure the answer is just to suck it up and give him what he wants.


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