# Is it wrong...in 50 words or less.



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Is it wrong to divorce a depressed wife if cause exists? I have just been taken to task by a Dr., who is also a patient of mine for doing so. I informed her that I'm only showing up at court dates, and that my soon to be ex is the one that filed. I said "it's not my rodeo anymore". "I'm just washing my hands". I thought it was a good easter reference.

To this Dr. G. said that "I drive her crazy too", but "I'm good" so she keeps coming back. I told her that's how my wife felt for 18 1/2 years, but things apparently change.

For the record, my soon to be ex-wife has not been officially diagnosed with depression. However that being said, she would light up a Wakefield questionaire like the Vegas strip. We're talking 9 of 10 items. 5 out of 10 will generally get you a date on someone's couch. 

I do not deal with this area of medicine, but it really doesn't take a specialist to "pick it out" in someone you've known intimately for 22 1/2 years, or even 10 minutes in an examination room if you're digging. 

I've told my ex-wife about my suspicions, her mom, the court, and even some of her friends. As far as I'm concerned the ball is now on her court. I'm done. Am I wrong?

LIL


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

No, you are not. 

She is an adult. If she chooses not to listen to advice from those who care (her mom has probably passed on the information, if your stbx thinks you don't care), then she must live with the consequences.

All you can do is look out for yourself and your kids. 

I don't know if my ex was chronically depressed, narcissitic, or just the ultimate negative person. Couldn't get him to therapy over the years, though I tried. I finally accepted what I've told you; it's his choice to be unhappy all the time and I do not have to be dragged down by it. 

I talk a lot with my kids about issues related to mental health (not all the time, but when something triggers the discussion, just like talking about other things parents need to address: sexuality, drugs and alcohol, relationships including friendships, etc.) b/c it's an issue in the family-bipolar relative, previously a schizophrenic, etc. (not all close or biologically on the family tree, but part of our lives). Indirectly, they are picking up ideas and information for dealing with their dad as well as others.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Wrong....even if you were "wrong" it wouldn't matter. The divorce was taken up by your wife and the ball is in her court. 

You can't juggle with one arm.

I know you really don't want this...who does? 

I didn't want mine. But I can't juggle one armed either.


----------



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Thanks for your answers sisters and CW. First off, thank you sisters for telling me what I wanted to hear. Your advice is always good, although I still suspect we view the world from different vantages. Who cares, I love ya anyways.

Thank you CW for telling me what I needed to hear. I am slow in coming to the realization that I cannot fix everything through shear force of will. Your statement that I am powerless to truly effect her situation was probably the most comforting thing I have heard in sometime. I think there are many parallels between our lives, and our situations.

I still love my soon to be ex, just not as a husband should love his wife. I fear for her future as she is truly on the wrong path. She is making bad decisions with worse people. 

I have always thought of myself as her sheep dog or protector. Now I am powerless to assist her when she needs me most. Ironic. This hurts my soul more than any triangle, arm bar, or head kick has ever hurt my body.

I will pray for her. God willing, He will show her mercy and deliver her. I'm afraid there is little more that I can do. This admission hurts me more than I can describe. It is not because of any sense of pride I possess, but because of a sense that I must have failed her on some fundamental level. Now, I can only stand by and watch as she self destructs; hoping against hope that she doesn't take any of our kids with her.

LIL


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I understand depression. However, know that you are not nor ever will be responsible for her happiness. It is all up to her to gain HER power. 

My husband should be diagnosed with depression. However, that was my dilemna as well. I thought..."he not in his right mind...I have to be supportive and loving and convince him to change it." It NEVER worked...not for one moment. 

Change what you can in your life. Let's face it! We can only change ourselves and sometimes that is almost impossible!

Keep on praying. It's the one thing that made my life bearable when I thought I'd die from the pain.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

> I still love my soon to be ex, just not as a husband should love his wife. I fear for her future as she is truly on the wrong path. She is making bad decisions with worse people.


Could have written this myself.

This is why it is hard to let go - and also what keeps the fires of anger smoldering. It's easy to not be troubled by anger if you simply don't care, but I do. You do. 

The well being of our kids hangs in the balance. I _need_ her to be well, and to be making good decisions.

I am a year and a half in, LIL. She has changed nothing. If she did not have stewardship of our 4 and 7 year old, I would be far less concerned with how she chooses to conduct her life. I don't want to have to worry or find anger creeping in when I invariably discover what she _isn't_ doing. But I do ... still.

It isn't about control, it's about concern. If you don't want to feel like I'm judging you, stop making decisions that warrant second-guessing.

Doesn't help that I still think she's hot, either. Sounds pitiful, doesn't it? I accept where I'm at. I'm not ashamed of it, nor do I feel like it's holding me back from becoming whole. It's like having a splinter in your foot. Occasionally you wince, sometimes you get a sharp pain, but eventually it will work itself out of your system, and you can run wind-sprints without wondering if it's going to hurt.

Advice or suggestions from me are poison - so I stopped giving them. There are still times I need to ask what her 'plan' is


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

50 words or less? That must be aimed at me, LOL.

Anyway, no I don't think it's wrong even though I get the jist of what you are saying - it's a legitimate illness and we are supposed to take them "in sickness and health."

I have the same dilemma of a depressed wife - only she said I was the cause of making her depressed. . .so divorce must be the cure, right? Only I am thinking she is finding out it's not working out that way. Divorce isn't the tonic and panacea she thought it would be.

I get what Deejo is saying about still loving them though. I am starting to feel sorry for her as she threatens to keep the kids away from me any more than I agree to, that I can't take 1, 2, or 3 any extra - out for ice cream, out for surfing, help them with a homework project, etc.. . .it's like she's making one last desperate ploy to control me, and it's not working. I'm just rather blah-zay about it.

She yelled at me the other day, "You are just going to do what you want, aren't you?!!"

Well, yeah. . .why wouldn't I? We aren't a couple anymore I told her. We did things her way for years. . .I was a henpecked Mr. Mom husband. . .everyone was expecting me to be like Mrs. Doubtfire/Robin Williams, pandering over his kids' affections, only to find out I am acting more like Pierce Brosnan.

Freedom, baby. Freedom. When you have a ball and chain and it's cut loose, bro', it's sweet and you just don't want to give it up without a big price. Taste your freedom, your emancipation, and rejoice!


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Mental illness - unless incredibly severe (thinking straightjacket) - is not an excuse for improper behavior.


----------



## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

WOW I thought I was the only one dealing with the nightmare of a depressed wife who asked for an end to our 24 year marriage. Thanks for all your comments I was thinking of posting the same question. At least mine wants to mediate the divorce and not go the route of lawyers. The bad decisions are decisions they make them selves. The will not let us help them so we need to let them go. Good Luck LIL


----------

