# FWH's obsession with getting a dog



## totalfive21 (Jun 25, 2014)

This may seem like an odd post for the CWI forum, but it is relevant, somehow.

Brief summary of my story: my H had (at least) an EA three years ago. We never properly dealt with it, and all was rugswept. We have a young son. My resentment has grown. He has done no "heavy lifting" to earn back my trust. On top of that, works very long hours, and does next to nothing to help with the housework, childcare, homework, meal prep, etc. Oh, I work too.

Over these years, I have considered that he might still be unfaithful to me. I have a VAR but used it only once, with no results. I could try again. I have access to his work email but not his personal email. During the past three years I have grown to regret that after Dday I cried for him to stay with me. The truth is that I have zero evidence of any continued infidelity, however.

Present day situation: for the past six months he has been obsessed with getting a dog. For me this is a non-starter, because 1) my son is allergic, and 2) I would be doing all the work because of my H's long hours at work, and I have never been fond of dogs. We have been married for 14 years and this was never an issue before. 

My refusal to seriously consider the idea has made him dig his heels in even more. When at home, he is constantly researching dog adoptions, pet kennels, and fences for our yard. He knows how I feel but does this anyway. He casually (or strategically?) works in references or jokes about getting a puppy, and if my reaction is too stone cold he spins it as me not being able to take a joke. He has at least twice said or implied that I "rule the roost" and that one cannot cross the "CEO" of this house.

My problem here is that I feel that his obsession is at once childish and purposeful and vengeful. Like he's trying to get back at me on some level -- for what, not sure. I'm the one who should have the feeling of wanting to "get back" at him. Not the other way around.

Sorry for the ramble. Perhaps examples like this are more evidence of the destructiveness of infidelity, and how reconciliation doesn't work without true commitment. On the part of both, but especially on the part of the wayward. Am I wrong to think that his inability to let the dog idea go is just crazy?


----------



## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

sounds like MLC crisis material. Is he autistic or a sagittarius?

yes, "mum" you told him "no", so he is being an immature child about it.

Not too sure what creates that obsession in some people. It's like it creates a "traffic roundabout" in their brain and all traffic gets caught in it. Is it likely he can be redirected to a more useful obsession? Or is it more a case of putting in some big positive constructive barriers, eg bigger yard, nice part of town, lifestyle that allows fairness to the dog timewise, enough financial reserves to ensure dog food is quality and won't run short.
If he wants to be CEO, he has to be willing to put in all the hours, do the work himself and fill the gaps if its needed, make it on his own not just rely on others (the buck stops...), as well as be the big picture guy that makes it work for his whole team - 'cause a good CEO always puts enabling their team above their own wants.

also... just as an idea... check his browser & phone browser histories....


----------



## totalfive21 (Jun 25, 2014)

It's definitely a MLC, at the least. He's not a Sagitarrius, but good question. I feel like it shows no respect or consideration for my feelings/thoughts on the matter. Just like the infidelity. Pure selfishness. He probably feels I'm showing no consideration for his feelings, but that's a tough argument to make when our child has allergies and I'm the only one who would be around to care for the thing.


----------



## header (Nov 14, 2015)

spotthedeaddog said:


> sounds like MLC crisis material. Is he autistic or a sagittarius?


Why would it matter if he's a sagittarius?

The whole astrology thing is bunk.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If your son is allergic, that should end the discussion. If your WH keeps going with this, take your son to an allergist and confirm that you simply cannot have a dog.

What does he say when you ask him why he's so obsessed? Does he have friends, coworkers, etc. who are influencing this?

(And...any allergist I've known has put the kibosh on the idea that there are breeds that won't trigger the allergic reaction.)


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Pity your son has an alergy and can have nothing to do with dogs.

Well actually there is. Many charities have dog sponsorship schemes that you can support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

header said:


> Why would it matter if he's a sagittarius?
> 
> The whole astrology thing is bunk.


I was thinking the same thing. Btw, I'm a "Sagittarius". What traits are we suppose to have this caused you to mention? 

Nevermind that's a whole 'nother thread jack.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

He sounds as if he feels he has no decision making power. Whether this is true or not is irrelevant.


Next time he brings up getting a dog smile and agree that having a dog would make him very happy, that xyz breed seems like a lovely breed of dog. Then ask him how he thinks the home environment could be rearranged in order to accommodate a dog and a child who is allergic to dogs. Do not attempt to solve these issues, just let him continue to fantasize about getting a dog.
Lungless your husband is a complete ninny, I'm sure he is aware of how problematic a dog would be in your household...on some level. But as long as you continue to nix the idea, he will continue to place the blame on you...because you're the one with decision making power.

Not sure what getting a dog has to do with infidelity at all unless you think his EA somehow relieves him of any and all decision making power.


----------



## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

Why do you have access to his work but not personal email? I'd rather have access to the personal! There are hypoallergenic dogs you can get and you could work try getting a fish first as a trial then see if hubby does his share to take care of it, if not = no doggie.


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

How allergic is your son? There are breeds that produce less dander (e.g. poodles) that aren't as bad for people with allergies. Alternatively, it could be an outside dog instead of living in the house. which takes care of the allergy issues. If your big marriage problems right now are that your husband really wants a dog and you don't, then you are doing a lot better than most of the people on the CWI forum. I don't see how this is related to an old EA, other than in general you two probably aren't very good communicators and have underlying trust/respect/resentment issues that you two should consider going to counseling for before they get worse.


----------



## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Your son is allergic and your husband still wants to do it. What a nice guy he is. Sorry 

Also he never helps you around. On this I blame you my lady. You allowed it and he is happy to use it.

One more thing. You said he was in EA and he still got some paswords ! My thinking is that wife/husband should never have this secret accounts,paswords and stuff like that. This is where the problems begins and suspicious arise.


----------



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Only thing that jumps out to me is it's a commitment. Getting a dog isn't a 2 month endeavor. It's 10-15 years.

Maybe you agreeing to get a dog is a way for him to see you're committed for the long term. 

One of the things that I'm most resentful of with my husband telling me he wanted a divorce is that he let me buy a new (expensive) car knowing he was thinking of separation. 

Now I'm stuck with my $424/month car payment by myself. 

Don't get me wrong, I love my car. But I bought it with 2 incomes in mind, not less than half. 

Had I known that, I would've gotten a cheaper car. 

I made a long term commitment thinking I had a husband with the long term in mind as well.

Maybe your husband is seeing what you're willing to commit to long term.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

I agree with the poster who said to snoop on his phone and look for texts or messages. My h refused to get us cell phones for over a year, and then all of a sudden absolutely HAD to have one, and wanted me to have one for my birthday. I found out much later that he slept with OW the day AFTER my birthday, for the first time, but that they had been flirting and hanging out and he was spending time at her house when they were supposed to be at work. So the phone was for him. 

Your h could end up walking the dog at his favorite dog park with the object of his EA. 

Listen to your gut.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I'm a Sagittarius and I simply just love dogs. So I have one. 

With that said, the first time my marriage went to ****, in the midst of all of the turmoil, my then MIL got it in her head that it was an awesome idea to buy us a puppy without even asking, thinking it would bring us back together. I was not at all in "that place" right then, so the dog went back....to HER. (Thankfully she kept it and ended up falling it love with the thing and still has it). A little bit after that, while the marriage was still in turmoil and we were on/off again, my ex got a dog from a shelter who ended up being so stressful.....for ME....the day he ran out of the house in pouring rain and jumped on the school bus while I was clad only in a thin bathrobe was the day I decided he was going BACK (we were also separated by this point and I just could not handle his high maintenance behavior on my own). 

Your husband is not wrong for wanting a dog. not at all. But unless you're in a happy and strong place in your relationship, do not get one. 

By the way, I've known a lot of people who said they "were not dog people" or "were not cat people"....until they were .


----------



## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

totalfive21 said:


> This may seem like an odd post for the CWI forum, but it is relevant, somehow.
> 
> Brief summary of my story: my H had (at least) an EA three years ago. We never properly dealt with it, and all was rugswept. We have a young son. My resentment has grown. He has done no "heavy lifting" to earn back my trust. On top of that, works very long hours, and does next to nothing to help with the housework, childcare, homework, meal prep, etc. Oh, I work too.
> 
> ...


Don't get a dog. They are a lot of work and you must WANT to do the work. They can be very destructive and crazy and amazing. 

Get a fish and name it "Dog."


----------



## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

He needs to be transparent 100%, not 85% or 90%. He screwed up and he has to win your trust back.

Last time I looked.... a healthy M is where BOTH spouses have a say. Not "what I say goes, no ?s asked"


----------



## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Just my opinion but a MLC is a pi$$ poor excuse for misbehavior.

As with anything else today, if more than four people do something similar and in the same age bracket,

the medical community has to come up with an acronym for it.

Heaven forbid if people in society are held accountable for their actions.

I would give more merit to the MLC defense when it is used in a court of law and upheld.

No severely depressed is another -animal- as are the other defenses we hear of.

But 2BH.... after hearing about the boy in TX who fled to Mexico with his mom after killing four

in a DUI accident..... he got off because he was so wealthy, he didn't know right from wrong...... I

wouldn't be surprised at all.

And we make fun of the Puritans for their outlandish judgments....


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Please don't allow your H to get a dog. Allergies would be a no go for me. Plus an animal is a family member, you don't like dogs so that would be so unfair to an animal. 

I would sit down with ole hubby and lay things out on the table. He's not carrying his weight nor working on repairing the marriage. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## totalfive21 (Jun 25, 2014)

Thanks to everyone for reading and for your helpful responses. An attempt to answer a few questions posed:

@alte Dame -- regarding getting an allergist to confirm we shouldn't have a dog. I was scheduled to bring my son to the allergist that practices with his pediatric pulmonologist (son also has asthma), but the practice was so busy they bumped me they day of that appointment while we were with the lung doctor. I hadn't bothered to reschedule because 1) I know my son is allergic to pollen/ragweed and most pets, 2) I don't want to go the route of getting allergy shots for him, and 3) even with confirmation from an allergist, my husband has an answer for that already. He always brings up a coworker's kid who was allergic to dogs but they used some anti-dander shampoo on a certain breed. This response doesn't resonate with me in large part because I also don't want to care for a dog.

@Anon Pink -- regarding H feeling like he has no decision making power. You are spot on -- he feels this way, like you mention, regardless of whether it's true or not, and he blames me because he perceives that I'm the one with it. You suggested I ask him how he thinks the home environment could be rearranged to accommodate a dog and a kid with allergies. I did this, and he gave me the above answer about the co-worker's kid. I asked the same regarding my care for the dog when he works till 9 pm every night. I said "what am I supposed to do when I get home at 3:30 pm and it's barking at me?" He just said "It won't be barking." There is no way around that I would be doing the pet care.

@Bananapeel and others -- regarding underlying trust/respect/resentment issues. You are also spot on. That's the case on my side, and it seems on his too.

@Lilac23 and others -- regarding why I have the work email but not personal. Long story, but I got access to his phone with the work email after DDay three years ago. At the same time I got access to passwords to two personal email accounts, neither of which he really used. I used to check them periodically anyway. Then one day a few months ago, he changed the password to the gmail, and joked with me that our son "must have tried to get into it." I could've demanded to have it right then and there, but I decided to go dark instead. I knew he could always get a different gmail account if I asked for access (unless of course I demanded he open it on the spot-- and assuming a refusal to let me in or to recover a "forgotten" password would be an admission of inappropriate correspondence). I decided I would play dumb/content/happy/unsuspecting, and attempt to place the VAR again. That's where I still am. 

And to everyone who has advised to simply NOT get the dog, out of fairness to myself and the dog, I wholeheartedly agree.


----------



## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

You know, it really sounds like you've got bigger issues than getting a dog. It's almost like a diversion tactic. If he pesters you about a dog, you might not notice that he is ramping for an affair. 

Here's the real question: Are you ready to stop rug sweeping? I get it, I really do. I rug swept every ea my X had, because I knew that actually confronting it might mean the end of my marriage. I "loved" him. Now I realize, that the only way I could have saved my marriage was to actually confront it head on. He eventually "fell in love" with some one else, and left me. 

So here's the thing, despite his persistence on asking for a dog, the real issues is are you staying in the marriage. You don't trust him, you don't respect him, and I suspect you don't much like him. 

Your marriage is on the line, and getting the dog would just push it over the edge. 
But here's the thing, you have two choices: 1) Decide you are done and call a lawyer, or 2) decide to give you marriage a chance. The only way to give it a chance is to be honest with him and tell him that you don't trust him or respect him. And if he wants save the marriage it's time for him to prove he's going to work for it. Pestering you for a dog is not helping and you can't even begin to consider a dog when your marriage is unstable. Of course you know, he may not want to work for it. And then if don't leave him, you will have lost all the power to make change. 

Personally, I vote for #1. But that's just me. The dog is such a non issue.


----------



## Imovedforthis (Dec 18, 2015)

ughhh I so hate to even ask this- but do you think it's possible he's talking or interested in someone else right now?

I only say this bc you mentioned how he "put his foot down"... and my usual pushover husband was doing that this past summer and it was major red flags. During the time I had no idea why he was all of a sudden showing such power and saying things will be his way and he even said he was putting his foot down. (all bc I was *****ing about trust issues).... but I've never trusted him and the way he acted during those months was completely off and NOT HIM. Come October... I find out he was talking to a female co-worker but I've yet to find out how far that went. And I actually think it's over now. Anyways.... the whole putting the foot down, red flags to me that there is someone else he has his eye on and is totally disregarding your feelings. 

Also, my DH is one about "image"... so if all these people at work think its cool to be a dog owner, then by all means, we shall be dog owners as well. Not necessarily dogs per se... but it almost sounds or seems like your husband is being HIGHLY influenced by an OUTSIDE source to get a dog...... I would VAR it up again... 
somethings weird....


----------



## Imovedforthis (Dec 18, 2015)

and hell no, don't get a dog!!! you'll be stuck taking care of it when his new "fad" passes. I would tell your hubby to just pass him off for now.. that you want to give it 6 or so months so you can do research on your sons allergies before obtaining a dog. I would set a date and tell him not until then.... then maybe this will buy you some time to see whats really up.


----------



## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Imovedforthis said:


> ughhh I so hate to even ask this- but do you think it's possible he's talking or interested in someone else right now?
> 
> I only say this bc you mentioned how he "put his foot down"... and my usual pushover husband was doing that this past summer and it was major red flags. During the time I had no idea why he was all of a sudden showing such power and saying things will be his way and he even said he was putting his foot down. (all bc I was *****ing about trust issues).... but I've never trusted him and the way he acted during those months was completely off and NOT HIM. Come October... I find out he was talking to a female co-worker but I've yet to find out how far that went. And I actually think it's over now. Anyways.... the whole putting the foot down, red flags to me that there is someone else he has his eye on and is totally disregarding your feelings.
> 
> ...


If one can not trust, one can not love...... not in a healthy way.


----------



## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

Your H reminds me of my ex. It may be a impulse thing. Your H may be starting to grasp at any "silver bullet" that will make things all better and "fix" your marriage. My ex did this. She had no ability or forethought to see how actions today have real consequences in the future. Is your H routinely impulsive? (Note there is a difference between spontaneous and "wtf were you thinking?" impulsive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

totalfive21 said:


> It's definitely a MLC, at the least. He's not a Sagitarrius, but good question. I feel like it shows no respect or consideration for my feelings/thoughts on the matter. Just like the infidelity. Pure selfishness. He probably feels I'm showing no consideration for his feelings, but that's a tough argument to make when our child has allergies and I'm the only one who would be around to care for the thing.


What does he say when you SAY this stuff to him? You know, after he gives the dumb responses and you PRESS him on a REAL answer?

And how do you 'know' your son is allergic to 'some pets' if you haven't had him tested?

Have you put a keylogger on his computer? That way, you don't need his email password; you'll get all keystrokes.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I wanted to get a pet for my two children at one point and went for (yet more) tests at the allergist. This was the third or fourth time I had done these tests (I had also had two complete rounds of shots that only helped a little.)

The doctor said, and I quote, "If you get a dog, any dog, you will have to get rid of it within a year because your health will suffer dramatically."

And then he said, "But on the bright side, you're not allergic to rodents."

LOL.

Maybe you should get your H a pair of rats.

Seriously, though, if your son has asthma and allergies, your H has to stop the armchair problem solving and accept that you can't have a pet like a dog. Why he is on this quest seems to be another issue, in my opinion, and is probably, as everyone has commented, a more difficult question to answer.


----------



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Maybe, just maybe he REALLY loves dogs. I do. Can't imagine my life without my two and I'm ready to add a third.

If my child(ren) was allergic, it would crush me not to be able to have a beautiful loving fur kid. 

You know what I'd do instead??? 

Volunteer at a dog shelter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

