# This book may be coming to an end...



## mriverra (May 25, 2013)

Hello Everyone, I wish this 4 day weekend was going better. Sorry for the essay below.

This past Friday (24th) my wife she that she “doesn’t love me the way I love her, and the way a wife should love her husband”. She says that she is done with his marriage, but hasn’t given a solid end date. She is willing to go to counseling “for me to find closure”, I asked her if there is any willingness to salvage what we have, she said no.

Here’s a little background:
We’ve been married just over 16 months, she is 24, I am 22, and yes we are young. We both are in the military, and got stationed at a new base in the beginning of the year. 

3 months after we got married, while I was temporarily assigned to a different base for a month, she had an affair. It was with a co-worker she was very good friends with. She realized she had feelings for him, and she slept with him. I found out a few days after coming back (suspicious behavior), and confronted her. After a day of wild emotions, and her storming out of the house to stay with one of her girlfriends, we talked and decided that we wanted to work on our marriage and stay together – after all we just got married. 

Fast forward 5 months, now August 2012. One night while one of her friend is over and drinking my wife passes out, one thing led to another and I slept with her friend. Out of guilt I told my wife 3 days later. It was a lot harder to stay together that time, but we decided to go to counseling with a chaplain. It definitely helped us; we finally went on our honey moon (Australia for 2 weeks) and had easily the best time of our marriage.

November 2012 comes and we move, I finally meet her dad, and she meets my family. Everyone is happy; life is going great, I can see us getting old in the future with kids/grandkids, I am the happiest I’ve ever been.

About a month ago she starts acting distant. She was at another base for training and really cut almost all contact with me for that month. Now she is studying for promotion (lots of stress) plus work is bumpy for her. I assume it’s just that, I ask her if anything is wrong, or if I can help to which she says “I’m just stress from work/studying, don’t worry it’s nothing you’re doing.” There was a 5k we were talking about going to together, last minute she asks me not to go, I agreed thinking she wanted some space/girl time. Then another 5k comes, she doesn’t even invite me this time. 

Then this past week she acted completely different. Waking up early, getting dressed for work and leaving 30+ minutes early. Coming home, showing very little affection. 

Then yesterday she says we need to talk. She says “doesn’t love me the way I love her, and the way a wife should love her husband” not a tear in her eye. From what I could tell there was no regret about saying it. I called home and told my parents (they had tickets to visit us next month), and told her what my mom said (wasn’t anything negative) and my wife starts to cry. I walk over and sit down next to her. I said something like “a relationship requires two people, anything is salvageable but only if both people want it. I do and I’m willing to try anything and everything to salvage what we had.” She stops crying, and giving me the saddest face I’ve ever seen says “you just don’t understand, I don’t have affection to you anymore. I held this in for a while to see if it was a lasting feeling and it is.” She also said that while she was away (training) her being on her own was “eye opening” and she missed it.

She is an only child. She’s resentful toward me for her losing her last name (last of her blood) and upset that her maiden name ends with her. I understand that. She also says that she enjoys being single and having no obligations to tell someone where she is going, or what she can’t do, or hold expatiations towards her. 

We live in a one bedroom apt, and her friends can take her in temporarily. We also have no family around here –though I hope it doesn’t come to that.

She said all the usual “it’s not you, it’s me. You’re a great guy, and deserve better. I just want to be alone. Etc, etc”

I fear she has fallen out of love with me (not for another guy. I’ve checked everything; none of my senses are going off like last time). It’s amazing how fast it happened, especially with all the tips we had planned this year (Disney, Panama City, cruse to the Bahamas). I think it may be a compilation of stress, but right now I don’t know.

She says that she feels like she isn’t growing as a person anymore, that she feels like a bird in a cage, and she just wants to be alone/single.

I’m at a loss. The woman I love with everything I am doesn’t love me. And doesn’t want to try (as far as I can tell) to retry things. She says she fell in love with me for the wrong reason. She is being very nice about this, no threats, hasn’t kicked me out of the bed yet (no sex in almost a month now), and is giving me time to find closing. I am going to a marriage counselor Tuesday by myself to talk. She will be going Thursday and we both plan on going Friday. 

What can I do? I look at her and I just see everything we have built and done together going away. Every possibility of what our future together held is now on the verge of never happening. This is by far worse than when she cheated on me.

But is it worth it? Is it worth always wondering if she will say this again? 

I’m at a loss, any help or guidance would be greatly appreciated. 

Never thought this would happen to us, yes we had a very bumy start. I had hoped it would make us stronger.


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## mriverra (May 25, 2013)

Just another thing. There could be an emotional attachment to another man. All of the conversations she had were appropriate, but she definitely spends more time talking to him than me. For at least the past month or two this has been going on. I told her weeks ago that continuing to invest more time in him then me will only lead to something negative. Looks like I was right!:lol:


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

IMO -- you both were too young to get married. You been married 16 months -- you both have cheated on each other at least once -- she is cheating again (at least an EA).

Both of you should cut your losses and just get a divorce.

BTW -- thanks to you both for your service.


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## mriverra (May 25, 2013)

I've been reading lots of posts here. I'm now seriously considering just letting go. I hate quitting, but if pulled this sh*t now, who’s to say she won’t pull it again down the road. It will only be worse...especially with kids. 

I'm running to the book store to grab MMSL, I've read the 180 and plan to follow it to a T.

Just blows still being here in the same place with her. She woke up a little while ago and made breakfast for herself. I mentioned that it smelt good, and she offered to make me some. We talk casually about work/the day but there is no emotion for our relationship in her actions/words.

It’s weird, she doesn't "love" me, but still talks/communicates with me on a friendly level. Maybe she got comfortable to fast this this marriage and is unhappy with that. I don’t know, you can analyze anything over and over but it won’t make a difference.

I think I’m going to try to stay with a friend for 2 weeks while his wife is away, besides that thats really all the time we can have seperate. Cut all communications, and see how that goes. It will either make her realize she does indeed have feelings for me/misses me or reaffirm that she wants to be alone (aka **** around) – her own words “I want to be able to go out to the bars and enjoy myself, I’m young and don’t want to be one of those older women that never fully lived life”  And to me I thought part of living life was finding someone you love, enjoy being around, and can be friends with for the long haul. Guess we both have very different views of what we want to get out of life.

Sorry for so many posts! Mostly me rambling to myself, I find it helps.:scratchhead:


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She obviously choosing to have yet another affair, that's what going on right now.

Multiple affairs, in less than 2 years - clearly she is not interested in being committed to a relationship, she wants to be single and free to date and sleep around.

I'd cut her loose ASAP. Even if she did end it with the new OM, fundamentally she is not committed to being married. Not to you, not to anyone. Her choices and actions prove this.


Frankly both of you are far too young to be married, and she s demonstrating why.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

That kind of behavior and language almost always says that there is another man, and presto, there is.

You don't have children. You are young and have a whole life ahead of you, cut your losses now while you can.


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## mriverra (May 25, 2013)

It's a shame, she’s so beautiful. Maybe that could also be part of the reason…

Does separation help any? Also we both have our name on the apt. The lease expires in Dec. It would be more expensive to cancel early, but I don’t think I could live here with all the memories. And she doesn’t want to either, she wants to stay in the same complex just find a 1 br. I really like the complex, but can’t find myself living anywhere near her if things continue down this road.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Separation is just prolonging the divorce while giving her permission to cheat.

It basically is s self imposed prison where you waste your precious days of your life.

My advice:

1. Find who the other guy is.
2. Be honest with both families why you are divorcing, name the OM, to prevent her blaming it on you.
3. File and move on as cleanly and as quickly as you can.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Separation will just prolong the agony. In your situation, you should just end it quickly. And get away from her and do not live in the same complex. 

Losing your wife sucks but you have time on your side. Consider yourself lucky that these sentiments of your wife came out now and not twenty years later. 

You will find someone as beautiful as her.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Cut your losses and move on. Neither of you is ready to be married, and military marriages are under more stress than most marriages. I know because I'm an military vet and my ex is career military. She's had a couple of affairs and it didn't take much for you to hop in the sack with her friend. When you're ready for marriage you'll find a woman that is as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

She's a self-centered only child with multiple affairs; not the most impressive snapshot. I would probably terminate all communications with her for a few weeks; I don't know why you need to be nice to her or communicate for any reason. After that, see what you want to do. 

You'd certainly want to be on a sounder footing if you had children.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

There is so much better ahead for you if you leave her behind, work on yourself, and never settle for less than a partner that loves you, desires you, is honest and committed to you, and shares the same vision for building a future together, spending time together, growing in the same direction and about the same speed.

As much as it might hurt right now to face the truth about her, it would be a sadder and more painful waste to entwine your lives more tightly and be never comfortable let alone happy for the next several decades. A marriage with someone that doesn't fully love you, clings to notions about how she wants her life that conflict with even being available and open to fully loving you, is a lonely place indeed.

You deserve much better. You can find much better. Don't miss out on it.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

It's fairly normal for the honeymoon/attachment phase to droop the emotional intensity that we feel in marriage...but for it to result in affairs right out the gate show that there is something wrong in the foundation of the marriage. It seems to me that there is some maturity missing in this relationship...and the strain that is put on service members (not just one, but a marriage between two servicemembers) will certainly take away from the intense work that is needed to rebuild this.
I do suggest you follow the 180 for the time being...to see if that can possibly result in a better reflection of healthy boundaries...but if she chooses to follow the flighty wind of her emotions, you cannot hold her hostage if she feels like she wants to leave...even though ditching you for an affair partner is messed up. Let the other man deal with her now. I'm am so sorry you are going through this. You deserve better.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

You should file for an annulment and consider yourself lucky to be moving on with your life, single. I know it hurts, but your wife isn't going to stop having flings. You can do better than this. Give yourself at least another year before getting married again because you will meet someone new since you're very young.


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## mriverra (May 25, 2013)

Thank you for the advice everyone. I am 99% sure I know who the other guy is don’t really see what she sees in him, but whatever. Definitely isn’t on the same page – verified by 3 girlfriends, who don’t know what’s going on.

I thought Annulments can’t be files after a year…what’s the law on them?

We had a long talk Sunday morning. She calmed down a bit more and was more level headed. But she basically gave me the “I Love you but, I am not in love with you” line. Ouch. She said that’s she’s been in crazy love before, but she just doesn’t feel it here. She said that she is unsure if she ever has felt it, feeling as if we got married for the wrong reasons. Double Ouch. Fully knowing that this obviously means that she has a low attraction to me, I had to ask. I asked how much is she physically/sexually attracted to me…her answer between 1 and 10 – “Low”. Ok then.

Anyway the rest of Sunday and today I basically did my own thing. Weirdly enough she still attached herself to me. Almost like nothing’s happened at all, I took a nap yesterday and today – she wanted to cuddle. She wants to hold hands, wants to go food shopping together, wants to hug & kiss, watch tv shows/movies together, BUT she isn’t attracted to me. Seems to me like I have been friend zoned by my wife HAHA I kind of find that funny, but mostly sad. Yes I’m 22, and young, but this situation seriously blows. When we got married, I NEVER saw this happening to us.

I figured, with nothing to lose, and after reading some MMSLP + 180 to take a shot in the dark. It’s been 3+ weeks since we’ve had sex (or that’s just me as far as I know) and basically said something like “Babe, I’ve been very horny all day, I need you tonight” Straight and to the point. What could possibly go wrong?? Well she said “Let me think about it”….yea…that about sums everything up. Its 10pm, we got work in the morning, she hasn’t showered yet. And I’m about to go to bed. Yea, that’s her answer.

Talking to my supervisor tomorrow to let him know, speaking to a marriage consoler and checking on the divorce laws of Alabama.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

She is cake eating...walking the fence...getting what she wants from you and from the OM. Do the 180...don't reward her behavior...and DO NOT request sex from her...that just communicates neediness...and her respect will lesson. What you need to do is raise her perceived value of you by setting boundaries for yourself...don't ask a damn thing from her...and start giving her the clear PUSH out the door if she wants to play both sides of the fence. Step out of the situation: What would you say to a guy that is married...wife is cheating on him...and he lets just let's things go on as normal? Yeah, talk to the lawyer...serve the papers...then ask her "When are you moving out?" If she sputters...saying she never asked for this, then say "Well your behavior CLEARLY communicates to me that's what you want. You don't feel love for me. You are messing with another man behind my back. This is INSANITY and I am going to play no part in this. Do you really think, I'm going to put up with this?" But if she gets all huffy when you ask her when she is moving..and says some mean spiteful stuff...just say, "So when are you leaving again?" Give her crappy behavior no quarter...but if she sobs and says she'll change and doesn't want to leave, then clearly establish rules of conduct and clear and concise goals for reconciliation...or else she is gone. Even then it may serve you some good to separate.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Dude, I can't tell you that she has ridden that pony, but she has him saddled up ready to go. I don't mean to be mean to you, but she is doing you a favor, though not intentionally. This girl is will not ever be happy with any man long term, because she is not happy with herself. This is all really about her and her own insecurities. She hopes from love fix to love fix and as soon as the newness wears off, she is gone. She would keep you on as plan B forever, coming and going as it suites her fancy. You need to ween yourself off of her. Go to the landlord and see what you can figure out and cut her from the herd and get on with your life. Do not support her with hugs, kisses, holding hand, just move on with life. The longer you prolong this the harder it will be. Put in the legal paper and when final, volunteer for reassignment and get out of Dodge.


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## mriverra (May 25, 2013)

Thanks for the advice everyone, seriously. The past few weeks have easily been the hardest in my life, numerous times I’ve just wanted to lie down in bed and disappear.

So here’s an update, I’ll try to keep it as short as possible:

We spent a weekend down in Destin Florida, had an absolute blast. We haven’t really been talking about the elephant in the room, which has been bothering both of us as the elephant is pretty huge. I’ve been reading the MMSLP, 5 love languages, and mostly following the 180. I realize that I am more beta (something that bothers me) then alpha.

So last night we sat down and talked. In many ways I am...relieved, and but I am still devastated and heartbroken. She basically said that she desires someone more alpha (easiest enough to work on). Someone that she can’t keep her hands off of. She’s felt that way about ex’s in her past, but has never been that way with me (I am towards her). We talked about changes we both can make and blah blah blah we both were starting to feel better. 

So she then fills out the love language quiz, and scores a 1 for physical touch. I asked her about it. She basically confirmed that she was unattracted to me. Not things I can change in the gym, but stuff I have no control over. Granted I’m not the ugliest guy in the world haha this is also the first time I have been broken up with, I usually do the breaking. So she is physically/sexually unattracted to things I have no control over. To me that sounds like there is no way to “fix” things. 

I have a marriage counseling appointment today, which I feel is more going to be an individual counseling appointment as she still hold her original stance: I’ll go for you, but for you to find closure. 

Basically my wife, someone who I made a conscious decision to love and be with till the end, does not feel the same way towards me. She sees me more as a best friend, not her husband, and will never see me as her husband. 

It’s a real shiity feeling to know my wife’s needs (that I for some reason can’t fulfill) will be fulfilled by another man. 

There are some things (both physically and mentally) that are unattractive with her, BUT I don’t dwell on them and base my judgment of our relationship on them. I love her for who she is, I wouldn’t nitpick the 
flaws she can’t fix and terminate our marriage because of them. 

Signed,
Hurt, heartbroken, torn, sad, kind of relieved


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

mriverra said:


> Thanks for the advice everyone, seriously. The past few weeks have easily been the hardest in my life, numerous times I’ve just wanted to lie down in bed and disappear.
> 
> So here’s an update, I’ll try to keep it as short as possible:
> 
> ...


Just read the post above. Still need to catch up on parts if your thread I have missed.

But, I wanted to say I hear you, I think. I have fears that resonate with some if what your seeing happening in your relationship.

All I can say is your worth and goodness and attractiveness is not something inherent in or owned by her. If it doesn't match her wants and needs, there surely are many many women who would be genuinely satisfied to be loved by you, and eager to give you a satisfying love in return, and for both it would feel like the most natural thing in the world. It's just a matter of time, and resolve to get through these darker days.

Btw, nothing wrong with being beta. And, some women find that attractive.


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## mriverra (May 25, 2013)

Update:

I'm going to FL with my family for a few days, she chose not to come. I told her, last week, that by the end of the month I want a solid answer on this marriage. If the path is divorce, I will file the paperwork the first week in July, and move out soon after. She was shocked when I told her that, I don't think she expected me to take charge (lack of confidence/not taking charge was not attractive), and she asked me if I wanted to talk anymore about my feelings. I told her there is no point, especially if she doesn't feel the same way towards me. I told her that I'd like to remember the last few weeks of our marriage as peaceful, and make the most of our time together. She agreed.

Yesterday we both signed the 60 lease termination, it will cost us about $2,200 to break the lease (2 months' rent + $800 term fee). So we now have an "official" deadline. Wow. Talk about a crazy feeling - knowing an exact date you will be OUT of our place, and starting a new life without your wife. 

We ordered pizza and watched a move "Take this Waltz" (indie film about grass not always being greener on the other side). After we laid in bed and talked for a few hours. She finally cried. She told me that in the heat of the moment she said some things that weren't true, and that her biggest reason she was unattracted to me was lack of confidence(reading No More Mr. Nice Guy). She said that she can already see I've begun to change since reading that plus MMSLP and loosely following the 180. She said she still loves me (never mentioned that she was IN love with me) and is starting to get scared about losing everything. She asked if we could still be friends after, I told her that I'd prefer NC until and IF I feel ready. I did say that besides losing my wife, I am losing my best friend and my companion in life. She broke down after that. I said that maybe in some other time, place, or life things could have worked out; but at this moment in life we just aren't fit for each other. She agreed, and cried more. She asked if I would be open to starting over down the road. (This is something that I have mulled over in my head before - we only knew each other for 6 months before getting married), I would have liked to know her more, but I fell that I know her pretty well now. But I told her I would have to think about it. I don't want to encourage her to continue walking the fence and live the single life, knowing that I will ALWAYS be plan B. I am not plan B; I am either your plan or not your plan, it's that simple. 

She said that she still wants to get a divorce, because the feelings are real and she doesn't want to sweep it under the rug. We both have already found places to move into. I found a place a city over, but am reconsidering moving that far only because there is no good gym near the new apartment. 

Here's another wrench for the situation. Alabama requires an attorney EVEN for an uncontested divorce, at least that's what the clerk's office said. Has anyone head of anything like that before? They said they won't accept anything unless it's from a lawyer. Financially we have no problem hiring one, we'd just prefer to spend the $500 on something else. 

I'm still torn. My heart is still with her, my brain has already moved on (in a sense). I don't want to deal with this 5+ years down the road, especially with kids, but damn...I love this woman.

EDIT: Earlier I mentioned a potential guy (EA). There was no inappropriate texts, just a LOT of messaging back and forth. Well a few weeks ago him, the wife, and another co-worker (40's, male, family, etc - good guy) did a 5k. Anyways, they took a group photo afterwards. This guy she's talking to has it plastered on his facebook as his cover photo. Normally I wouldn't consider this a problem, it's a group photo. BUT both guys have been cutoff the photo (you can only see half of their bodies, the other half couldn't fit. BUT the original photo everyone was in the shot), EXCEPT my wife is in full view. She's the only one who fits the frame, she isn't dead center, but none the less she's the only person who you can only see. 

Does that seem a little weird or what? If I was trying to fit myself + 2 friends I would have cut off their lower bodies and kept waist up. He only kept her...I told her about it, she again said nothing's going on, but said she would tell him to change it - I told her not to worry about it.

Or maybe I'm blowing this up. Idk. 

Maybe I need to enforce the 180 all the way. I am doing lots already, but I haven't cut her off 100%. Both books have opened my eyes, I am embarrassed by the way I was acting and am changing that. 

Some days are better than others, sometimes it changes throughout the day. I know I am nowhere close to 15+ years like a lot of the threads I see here, but I feel just as confused/hurt/lost as them.


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