# Sexless Marriage



## xxyesenia25 (Jun 18, 2016)

Has anyone tried sex therapy? He's not really a sexual person so my last resort before I lose my sanity is therapy. I would feel more open talking to a woman but if I have any hope of getting him there with me then I would have to look for a male therapist. 


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

My 2 cents is that sex therapy, depending on the therapist and everyone's commitment to making the marriage work can be great. It saved my marriage.

However, in just about ripped my wife emotionally apart. Good Sex therapy requires both partners to face some harsh realities.

A problem in marriage is almost always partially the responsibility of the one that thinks they have done nothing wrong. That was a hard lesson for me to learn, but I learned it from reading some great books prior to starting sex therapy, which made it much easier on my.

Good luck to you. Pick your sex therapist carefully. I am a guy and actually I felt comfortable talking to a woman about the sexual problems in our marriage. The point is don't assume it has to be a man. Talk and communicate with your husband about this.


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## xxyesenia25 (Jun 18, 2016)

Young at Heart said:


> My 2 cents is that sex therapy, depending on the therapist and everyone's commitment to making the marriage work can be great. It saved my marriage.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Wow that's great advice thank you so much! I honestly don't think about who's fault it is all I think about is how to fix it. I've done everything and anything and nothing peaks his interests so I think sex therapist is the way to go. I will talk to him about it and get his input. Thanks again!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

xxyesenia25 said:


> Wow that's great advice thank you so much! I honestly don't think about who's fault it is all I think about is how to fix it. *I've done everything and anything and nothing peaks his interests* so I think sex therapist is the way to go. I will talk to him about it and get his input. Thanks again!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Do you show him how to just please you, or is your goal to only try and please him?

Some women pursue sex in a relationship as a means of validation. This validation is measured on how much they can please their man sexually and make him climax uncontrollably. Without this form of validation these women are unable to enjoy sex for themselves with a partner. 

Badsanta


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Bad Santa makes a good point. I would suggest a slightly different area to reflect upon.

First are any aspects of your relationship "co-dependent?" By that to restate what Bad Santa has said are you looking to him for validation? Looking to him to make you happy? etc.

Ultimately, most self-help guides suggest something that is called "Getting a Life" or GAL. It is really code for doing things that make you a better more interesting person and that provides you with feelings of worth and happiness. Taking charge of your own happiness is an important step in becoming happy.

I don't mean for you to go out and have an affair, but if your spouse makes you unhappy, then don't dwell on it, go out and take a walk, see a play, find a place to go where you can read a book, or take a class without your spouse. Figure out ways to inject happiness in your life. That will make you a happier person and one who is less clingy and more desirable.

Good Luck.


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## gone_rogue (Jul 30, 2016)

Getting a life is great, but you really need to get to the root of why he's not interested. In my situation, my husband really is uncomfortable with touch and just doesn't need sex at all. I decided that wasn't enough for me. We tried an open marriage but it was just too painful having him around when the feelings weren't there. We are now separated and I am trying to navigate the new reality.

The sad part is we really like each other a lot and get along great. However, touch and sex and feeling cared for are so important in a marriage and I'm not willing to compromise on that. Marital therapy helped clarify our issues so I highly recommend that. 


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Yesenia, give us some more details. Age/kids/kids ages/history etc. I suspect you've probably read the most of the common stories before now, and they're all pretty much represented here. What's going on?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> Yesenia, give us some more details. Age/kids/kids ages/history etc. I suspect you've probably read the most of the common stories before now, and they're all pretty much represented here. *What's going on?*


She probably has her husband in sex therapy already. Hopefully she chose wisely!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm against the majority on this one. I'm HD and my husband LD. We wasted thousands of $ on sex therapy. He's just LD and that's that.

We worked through it and reached a compromise on frequency, but both of us had to compromise or it wouldn't have worked. It wasn't sex therapy that made that happen though, it was when I went to him in tears and told him I was going to the doctor to get anti-depressants, for the sole purpose of numbing me emotionally and physically so that I wouldn't have a sex drive because I couldn't take the pain anymore. It broke his heart to see me like that and that's what forced the change.

I can see how sex therapy could help if a new issue develops or a couple finds themselves in a rut etc. But in a case of HD/LD no amount of therapy will help imo.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

I would modify frusdil's comments slightly. I agree that ST often will not resolve HD/LD conflict. So I would not waste months and months and huge $ on it if it does not seem to be working.

But I do think ST can help clarify what you are dealing with. The willingness of the LD to perform the exercises is a huge indication of whether you can expect any compromise at all. And there should be "homework" every single session. Initially it may not be explicitly sexual, depending on where you are starting. Might be long hugs with clothes on or sitting across from each other naked and just looking with no touching. Might move on to massages but no touching "naughty bits". If the LD won't even do those things, then you know you have a very hard core case on your hands and that investing more in the hope of having a minimally satisfying sex life is pointless. if the LD gamely engages in whatever homework the TS assigns, including as you move up to explicitly sexual interaction, then there is hope that you might end up with a workable sexual compromise.

So I agree that I would not count on it to resolve HD/LD mismatch. But it might add information to the decision matrix.


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

OP, have you ruled out physical problems for his LD ?
IMO, no reason to go though therapy or even read books if there is a chance he has his hormones out of wack or other problems. What steps have you taken ?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

frusdil said:


> I'm against the majority on this one. I'm HD and my husband LD. We wasted thousands of $ on sex therapy. He's just LD and that's that.
> 
> ......But in a case of HD/LD no amount of therapy will help imo.





Holdingontoit said:


> I would modify frusdil's comments slightly. I agree that ST often will not resolve HD/LD conflict. So I would not waste months and months and huge $ on it if it does not seem to be working.
> 
> But I do think ST can help clarify what you are dealing with......
> 
> So I agree that I would not count on it to resolve HD/LD mismatch. But it might add information to the decision matrix.


My experience, compared to my wife who is very LD, I am HD. After my wife stopped completely having sex with me, I figured out what I had done that had hurt her so much that she emotionally withdrew from me. Then I worked on changing that. Ultimately, I said we needed to go to a sex therapist. She went reluctantly.

My W is very LD. She has actually told me at times, "don't touch me there or I will want to have sex with you and I don't want to have sex." Knowing she would enjoy it, but still not wanting it is something I have a hard time wrapping my mind around, but I now accept that she can have toe curling orgasms, but just doesn't want to very often.

For her once every week to week and a half would be ideal. For me three times a week would be ideal. Sex Therapy helped her understand that never again would result in my divorcing her and she didn't want that. It also helped her deal with a compromise on frequency that we could live with and I can live with.

It further helped to discuss things I wanted to try and things she could not allow herself to do and for us to start to understand more about each other.

I really do think that sex therapy can help two people who want to stay together and have many things in common. It can help them work on some compromises, especially in the area of HD/LD. We have agreed to have PIV sex twice a week. Our intimacy is more than just sex, it involves doing things for each other, sharing experiences, and doing things for each other every day.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

you had better figure out SOME thing, because a sexless marriage is bound to be a short lived one! Try a therapist.


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