# Being married, alone



## oldnbusted (Jan 24, 2010)

My husband and I have not always had the best marriage, he did have an affair with my best friend when my twins were two (they are eleven now). We went through counseling and over came that and things have been much better since - well until about two years ago. I got a new boss, buried both grandmothers and my mother, went back to school for my master's degree and work sent me to school for a technical degree (a three year commitment). Somewhere in here my husband's job also changed and his career began to take off. Needless to say, I've spent two years furiously trying to keep all these balls in the air plus pay the bills, take care of the house and the kids, and put my oldest in college. I finally asked for some help a few months ago but I got no where until I graduated from school and I yelled at him and said he was very unsupportive. I had nothing but complaints from him - I gained weight, didn't get the orthodontist appts made, etc. Frankly, if something wasn't on fire it it just wasn't a priority. The week before graduation he invited his entire family up from down south for the holidays. While I was taking my finals! I then found out he was lying about taking his medication - for depression. He told me that he wants a women who looks good and that I should start working out again. But he gained a lot of weight too and I don't complain about that? I am very disheartened that my "partner" is only focused on that and not on anything else. Sex is on his terms, not mine (although he says it's all about me?) and if I don't jump to do his bidding when he is ready he says "It's too late now." 

I really don't want a divorce. I want my good husband back. Is that possible or will I always be fearful that Jeckyl will return anyway? He likes to manipulate, he told the kids to choose a parent while I was in the shower. I think he is out of control and that he feels he can control me - I am just not making it easy. Should I hold on and hope he will see the light one more time and revert to the wonderful man he was, or should I cut my losses and leave? I did agree to marry for better or worse


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You can set fair boundaries on what treatment you will accept, to address the manipulation. You have to be vocal about it. "When you criticize me in front of the kids, I will take the kids out of the room; I will return and we will talk privately." Like that.

You can also take a good honest look at your marriage, and ask yourself the hard question: Are you giving HIM what he needs in this marriage? If you're not, you can't ask him to do the same. It will have to start with you.


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