# So confused...



## HurtingandConfused (Nov 27, 2010)

Hi all,

First time poster, so please be patient with me. Have been together with my significant other for nearly three years. I'm 31, she's nearly 24. Our relationship is an intercultural one - she's Chinese and I'm English, and I'm currently living and working in China where I have been for the past nine years.
Our relationship has been extremely tempestuous. I became rather seriously ill around a year and a half ago with a heart infection which took nearly 13 months to accurately diagnose and treat. During that time I was deeply afraid, and my SO did an excellent job of comforting me and looking after me. I didn't cope so well, however, and was constantly exhausted, irritable, angry, and emotionally unavailable. This led to a great distance forming in our relationship, and, to all intents and purposes, we were only together in name as I became very confused about my feelings towards her due to displaced anger at my medical condition. I was a pathetic partner, to be frank, and was constantly talking about ending the relationship. I understand now that those feelings I were feeling at the time were due to my being ill, but that is no excuse. I was a jerk, and treated her terribly badly (by being angry and detached - I wasn't abusive, verbally or physically).
We both tried to work things out, but my attitude stank to be frank. As seems to be so often the case for those in difficult relationships, she found comfort in talking to and becoming close to another guy from June this year. This relationship became physical in July, until the guy in question left on holiday at the end of August. My SO came clean about the whole thing at the start of September, and pretty much threw herself onto my mercy.
Even though we were close to breaking up anyway, I was understandably furious. However, one of the more surprising results of her telling me was that I found that I still loved her, and after I had thrown a temper tantrum or three, we decided to really give our relationship another shot.
The following 7 weeks or so were AMAZING - truly wonderful. Lots of talking, lots of sex, and being extremely close with one another. She has stated time and again that she never really loved or cared for the other guy. She just enjoyed the attention, the caring, and yes, feeling desirable again as I had not shown interest in her for so long (we hadn't had sex with one another since around May prior to this). Now that she was receiving those things from me, she felt happy again, and no desire to be with anyone else. I should also state that she has had absolutely no contact with OM since she told me, other than an email (which she showed me) ending it.
My problem is as follows. During the last week or so, the old anger and doubt I felt after she initially told me what she did has returned, and I'm no longer certain I wish to continue in the relationship. I do NOT want to give up on this. Not after having gone through so much difficulty in the past, and especially not after having had such a wonderful last couple of months. Is what I'm feeling normal? Are there any things I can do in which to deal with these horrible, conflicting, draining emotions I'm feeling? I will do anything I can - I just need some guidance through this appallingly difficult time. If anyone out there can help, I'd be forever grateful.
Thanks


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

What you are going through is normal in recovering from an affair. I think you are emotionally exhausted and there may be a niggling doubt in the back of your mind. 

In order for you to rebuild your marriage there has to be 100% transparency from both hers and yours side.

You have to set aside time for each other, take her out on dates, rekindle the love that you had when you first met. Talk talk talk, the art is communication, you are a team, she must know she can tell you everything and you will be there for her. 

Buy the "his needs her needs" book as well as "surviving an affair", both of you should read them. They will give you some guidance.

http://www.amazon.com/His-Needs-Her-Affair-Proof-Anniversary/dp/0800717880


There is no easy way forward, you have to be forgiving and she has to rebuild the trust.

Recovery is a two-person journey. To rebuilding trust during recovery and even after the marriage has recovered, the processes is to trust but verify. It is the openness and honesty part of recovery that is essential to changing behaviors. There are no secrets within a marriage.

Be strong for yourself, you may have to see a counselor to help you get through this .


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Well the world is very simple “Forgive”. The concept is difficult for some to understand. The process either easy or difficult, depends what’s in the heart for the other person.

But I just know any other way of ridding oneself of bitterness and resentment and the strong anger and dislike that it carries with it.

Personally I say if you can’t forgive the offender then don’t live with them.

It is “Forgive or Relive”.

Bob


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## MissMoneypenny (Nov 22, 2010)

Issue 1
I so feel your pain. I know someone who went through very similar circumstances as yours except that he had to have a transplant. They had the same angry words exchanged as you. These words were leading to divorce as he was angry and bitter and she was feeling unappreciated and scared of outcome.
I understand exactly what you must have been going through. When you have a serious illness and you might fear not making it through, it turns your whole upside down. You now have to rely on someone else to look after you. If it helps any, the doctors had told my friend that most of couples who face a serious illness, end up leaving each other due to stress - I can't remember the percentage, but it was really high... around 80%! Horrific really!

At the same time, I can see if from your girlfriend's point of view too... here's someone who cares enough to stay and look after you in your time of need, but what does she get for it? Nothing but shouting, hurt and unappreciation. She also doesn't get any physical respite i.e. sex (and Boy! that's another story entirely since I'm facing similar issues although for a much longer time than you guys). Sex is reassuring in so many ways that words can't be... 'Actions speak louder than words.'

I'll offer you the same advice I offered my friend at the time: Where do you see yourself in the future? 
If you were to split up, can you see yourself without that person for the rest of your life? Without their love, hugs, smiles and affection? 
Could you live with the thought of another guy spending their life with your girlfriend instead of you? 
What is attracting you to the relationship? Is the different cultures, lifestyle, her beauty, her character etc.
Please note that I'm not including issues of betrayal at this stage.

Issue 2
Having been through betrayal (via my ex boyfriend) myself I find this next part difficult to judge unbiased.
I know for the type of person I am, I could never live with betrayal... I tried for 5 years, but it ate me up slowly. You can try and quash the feeling down, but if you're anything like me (and I don't know if you are), it'll keep on raising its nasty little ugly head. Then you'll go through all that hurt and anger all over again, not understanding etc. For me it was the fact that someone else had shared my man's body and then he shared his body with me when he'd just been with her. I just couldn't deal with it in the end 

I would ask yourself the following questions:
Does she really respect me to have done this to me? 
Is she likely to do this again should you have to face difficult times again? 
Does she feel remorse, and if so for what reasons? Are the reasons because she doesn't want to loose you and really is sorry or will she miss your financial support?
Do you see yourself married to her and spending the rest of your life with her? 
Would you want to have any children with her?
Would you have preferred her to have left you rathet than cheat on you?

Issue 3
Mixed race relationships can be difficult. If it's not religion, it's cultural or family related etc, however, they can also be the best and most fun, but require double the effort to maintain. Not only do you need to work at your relationship, but you also need to figure out their beliefs and traditions to see how to best deal with those issues. You're in a foreign country and things work differently there - still doesn't excuse cheating though... I'm not sure anything ever does  
How is illness treated in China?
Is cheating accepted as norm there?

The good news is that you have the freedom of choice now. She decided to stay with you and it's now up to you to decide whether she's the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. 
Don't forget, there's plenty more fish in the sea and I'm sure someone else will love you more and respect you more by not cheating on you.

I hope this helps you as I know you must be hurting if you've reached the stage of writing on here x


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## HurtingandConfused (Nov 27, 2010)

Wow, thanks guys - such detailed and helpful responses. It's good to know that others have been through this before too.

'Forgive' may be a simple word, but it is far from a simple act. I felt that I had started along the path of forgiving her, but now feel like I don't know which direction I'm heading in. Her infidelity hurts, but not as much as previously - I'm just kind of pissed now, to tell the truth. It's easy to look back on this with hindsight and state that she should have done this or that - but she was an emotional mess due to my acting like, not to put too fine a point on it, a ****. I need to approach her infidelity from the time then, not how we feel now.

@MissMoneypenny - it's easiest if I try and answer you in sections, like you did (good idea splitting up those issues into sections by the way - it's already given me new ideas on how to approach this).

1)It's hard for me to say. I'm pretty rational, so I can see myself broken up with her and being ok down the road - but I can also see myself still with her and happy. I definitely don't like the thought of her with someone else, but I also know that she isn't my property - her choices and her decisions are her own to make, and I have no right to control them. Cultural excitement doesn't play a role in our relationship. I've lived over here for more than 9 years, had plenty of Chinese girlfriends before I met her, and am fluent in the language now, so it's about personalities rather than the exotic draw of being with someone different. I'm not one of those guys who just chases asian brides - I've had relationships with people from many nationalities - it's all about base personality to me, not excitement in the unusual.

2) She has repeatedly told me that she did what she did because she honestly thought I was going to end the relationship with her (and I had stated that on a number of occasions). She said that after I hurt her, and pushed her away, and rejected her for what felt like the millionth time, she was so confused, upset and pissed off, that she didn't know what she felt anymore either. Then her friend introduced this guy to her (who was American and my age), and she simply treated him as a substitute for me. She said that she felt guilty, but not overwhelmingly so as she was so pissed off with how I had treated her. Since she told me, however, she has felt nothing but remorse, and spent most of the first 2 weeks crying. She constantly tells me she regrets what she did, and she would never have done it had she known I still loved her. She seems genuine - she cut off all contact immediately, quit her job immediately in order to protect me (she works for the same company as me, and the phrase 'Chinese whispers' has a lot of grounding in fact) , and has been 100% open and honest with me (after a couple of little stutters at the beginning) about exactly what happened between him and her.

3) Illness is treated very differently over here. Doctors are not very well trained, and there is a total emphasis on Chinese medicine which I have little faith in as it never seems to work on me. Her attitude towards me during that time was nothing other than loving and caring (although she was understandably frustrated occasionally), but I'm one of those kind of people who just wants to be left alone when they are sick. The Chinese like to dote on one another - it irritated me a lot, and I was already super irritable. She felt she was just being loving (which she was), and I that I was showing ingratitude.

Cheating is fairly normal over here (isn't it everywhere??? lol), but much more secretive than back home. She always told me she would never do that, and I naturally believed her. But, when you are in those kind of circumstances, promises don't seem to carry as much weight as they should. What I do believe is that she wouldn't do it again. She has been literally left devastated by this whole mess, and seems 100% committed to this now. I thought I was too, but it's this up down, up down surging of emotion between happiness, anger, sadness, forgiveness, and being unable to forgive that I just find draining. I've asked her to keep our relationship as easy and relaxed as possible at the moment, and not to talk about difficult emotional stuff until my head is clear, and again she has agreed with it even though it pains her to think she is losing me for the second time (her words). What else can I do to power through this? I'll try anything!!!


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## HurtingandConfused (Nov 27, 2010)

Forgive the double post, but I should also post that I'm not particularly happy in my job as it's very stressful and has long, irregular hours. This also affects my mood somewhat, and I've been battling a particularly nasty form of depression for the past ten years(called depersonalization). All in all, I'm a big puddle of mess! I can't seem to separate my feelings for one element of my life from another!


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## HurtingandConfused (Nov 27, 2010)

Apologies for the shameful bump, but I'm really hurting here.

Things were going so well between my and my SO, but it's getting more and more of a mess now. We ended up having a fight yesterday, and I threw the affair back in her face like a real evil person. I feel like there is this monster inside me eating all my good emotions for her. And I can't stop worrying about whether my feelings for her are vanishing. I don't want them to, and I'm just about at the end of my tether with worry. I just want to go back to how things were only a few weeks ago, and be in love, and happy (ish), and feeling like there is real hope that we will survive this. But it's vanishing by the moment. Please help!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Hurting,

Who would you like to be furious with? Was this affair your wife's fault or was it your's? By your own admission, you basically emotionally abandoned her. The logical consequence of your choice was that she would find comfort elsewhere. This wasn't something your wife did to you. The affair was a conspiracy against your marriage which required your participation. Had you been attending to the business of being a husband, an affair likely would not have been necessary. Had you been paying attention to your wife, you would have detected the affair. You were asleep at the switch and had your wife not confessed to you, you'd still be oblivious. Before the affair, hadn't you told your wife that you wanted out of the relationship? What reason did you give her to remain faithful to you? She was wrong, but so were you and it's a little audacious to beat up on her and give yourself a free pass. What happened has happened and if woke you both up to the blessings that you share, maybe it wasn't entirely a bad thing. Forgive her, forgive yourself, learn from the experience, and drive on.


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## HurtingandConfused (Nov 27, 2010)

I'm not giving myself a free pass at all, I totally accept I acted terribly. My focus now is to not lose sight of the ultimate goal of us sorting this out, and I'm a little lost. I was hoping for some techniques or ideas from others who have been in similar position. I fully agree that it may not have totally been a bad thing - it certainly woke me up. I'm just trying to find a way to keep the good going, and to relinquish the hurt.


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## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

Hurting&Confused:

Let me first start off by telling you that by no means can I say I am an expert as I am only 3 months into rebuilding my relationship with my husband of 25 years.

90 days ago to the day, I found out he had an 8 month PA. I was devastated. Ready to leave. Emotionally destroyed. I couldn't eat, sleep, think clearly, nothing. I had extreme hatred for him doing such a terrible thing to me, to our marriage.

He apologized profusely and begged me to stay. After hours and days I agreed to stay. Without going into the long drawn out rollercoaster ride of day to day and week by week details, let me summarize by saying this.

Once I was able to verbalize how badly I was hurt by him via an explosive argument. We yelled, cried, became distant, basically every stage of grieving. Outside of abuse, for me, up until it happened, I believed the only other deal breaker for bringing my marriage to an end would be infidelity.

In the beginning, he tried, he tried very hard to re-assure me how remorseful he was and that he always loved me, still did and always would. Then he too had a breaking point of how he couldn't live with 'walking on eggshells' so he made a judgment call and decided he wanted out. For him, he thought it would be easier to simply walk away and know what his future held.

It was then, that I realized I had to make a decision as to what I was going to do with all of the hurt and anger. After weeks of thinking and being angry and depressed. I had to decide what *I* wanted. Not what was going to be best for *him* in the long run, but what was going to make *me* happy. What did *my* future hold. *So I started working on me. I started taking care of myself, physically, emotionally, financially*.

We are still a long way from everything being fine and I definitely still have days that I wonder if we are going to make it. I analyze and a lot of times over analyze everything he says or does.

Through all of the pain and the pointing of fingers at him for his actions, I actually had to take a step back to see what the cause was. And low and behold, I realized what part I played in him pushing away. Although, he still made the decision to step outside of the marriage to satisfy what he was missing which is in no way excusable or acceptable. He made some painful mistakes early in our marriage that led me to retaliate (never unfaithful on my part) which then led him to become emotionally distant, which then added fuel to my resentful behavior which then led to 10 -12 years of each of us setting out to hurt the other (I don't fully believe we were conscientiously setting out to hurt the other but what I do believe is that was what we started doing to cope with a marriage headed for destruction).

We sat down and through many tears, we together decided that from the moment, the moment we were in, we couldn't change a single thing from our past. So we both have to decide that we are going to both start over and leave what happened in the past, in the past. That when things get tough, we CAN NOT pull from the pain before this moment in time to use as an excuse for our behavior. The slate was clean for us both. That we will forgive what we each did to contribute to where we are now but we couldn't forget, because if forgotten, we could very easily go back to behaving in the manner that brought us to this place. We agreed, we would look at each other in a different light. We purposely started doing things differently. We are focused on replacing all of the negative and bad memories with new ones. We talk about the good 'ol days and we focus on what was missing in recent years and set out daily to meet the needs of the other. 

Does that mean we don't have bad days, absolutely not, we do. But our bad days and our reactions are based on the here and now and no longer about the used to be.

So yes, what you are going through is normal, and what you will need to do is figure out what *you* want, what is going to make *you* happy and set things in motion to achieve this. *Start with yourself*. *Take care of yourself*. *Start doing for yourself *and you will start to see more clearly if in this picture you are with your current SO or with someone else. You will *never *be able to control what others do, you can only control *how you react to what others have done*. It is the 'so what now what outlook'... so what it happened, now what am I going to do about it.

I wish you all the best as I am still working toward achieving my happily ever after the affair.

_(So sorry for such a long post, I didn't realize how long my summary was actually going to be_)


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

I know this will be hard, but you will have to forgive and let go. Your part in this caused her to stray as much as her decision to do it. Since you know that you were unbearable for a long length of time, then you have to accept responsibility that you pushed her as much as she made the decision to stray.
The feelings you are having are normal and boils down to trust. You have to really accept the situation for what it is and learn to trust again. Once you start feeling more secure, these feelings will go away. The resentment is also normal, these will all go away as you forgive and work on the relationship.
Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissMoneypenny (Nov 22, 2010)

HurtingandConfused
So sorry you're having such a hard time... 
Would it help if you maybe have a list of questions you'd like answered by your SO to understand why she did what she did? For example:
1) What was she hoping to achieve from having a relationship?
2) Was she hoping it would turn permanent?
3) Did she want out of your relationship completely?
4) Did she do it out of spite or to feel more loved?
Does it help you in knowing that your actions caused her to react by betraying you?
I think there are some who can forgive and some, who despite having tried many a times, cannot. I'm afraid Tamara's "The resentment is also normal, these will all go away as you forgive and work on the relationship." was definitely not true in my case. The resentment did not go away.
The only other thing I can say is that it was only September that you found out - that's only 2 months ago and it's not surprising that the feeling is still eating you up inside. I'm surprised you've not had more of a male response from here as I know some of the guys who're in similar situation are not coping even though they've been trying for some months/years.
I think it goes back to, how much do you really want to stay in the relationship.
Can you seek counselling in China? Would that help?
I'm afraid reality is the arguments are going to be there for a while i.e. until you can sort things out and feel satisfied that things are going to work out.
Do you mind my asking what is it that's annoying you most at the moment about the relationship?


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