# How does a WS...



## Foreversorry (Jun 5, 2013)

We always hear and talk about forgiveness of the spouse who betrayed you. My question is how does a FWS forgive THEMSELF? Hubby and I were talking and he said again, that he has forgiven me. I haven't forgiven myself, and even though in a way, I know I should, how is that possible? How can you forgive yourself for destroying your spouse and everything they thought you were? Everything YOU thought yourself to be? How do you stop 'beating' yourself up everyday? How do you know when you have truly forgiven yourself?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cwtchbunny (May 20, 2013)

I don't think you do really, my situation is different as I left my husband but I do still feel guilty years later


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## Unaware (Jan 7, 2013)

My best friend says he will never forgive himself for the hurt he caused his lover with the cheating and the moment he does is the moment he will leave the relationship as that will be like saying it was OK for him to stray. 

I think that he uses the guilt over what he did to make himself a better lover and partner to his lover now and fears that if he fully forgives himself he will be less of a man


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Why do you need to forgive yourself? What you need to do is make an effort to understand why you have done what you have done, determine to be a decent person going forward, make amends to the people you have hurt, and accept the consequences that they decide you must have. If your conscience helps you to do those things, then so be it.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Eventhough your husband says he has forgiven you, I dont know how long ago was your DDay, it will take a real long time for him to heal.

As he cannot heal himself without much effort, understanding and care from you, you cannot heal without his understanding, and sympathy.

You need IC.


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

Is everything out? You WILL NOT feel better until you are 100% honest and everything is on the table, and then you still wont feel better, but that wouldn't be fair, would it? Because he is going to feel it, you need to feel it too. When I feel guilt, I do something nice for my H. When it pops into my head, I send a text telling him I love him. When my stomach churns in disgust, I bake him cookies, etc. Try channeling it into something positive.


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

Give up all hope of having a better past. You weren't the spouse they deserved, but perhaps you can be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I've never given any thought to nor cared about the well being of the WS. Like a criminal, a WS has committed a crime against their spouse and children, therefore the focus should always be on the well being and compensation of the victims and the punishment (so to speak) of the criminal. I think that the WS needs to be totally focused on the BS, their children and being selflessly faithful to the family. Once the WS has fully compensated their victims and paid for their crimes, the self forgiveness will follow naturally.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Foreversorry said:


> We always hear and talk about forgiveness of the spouse who betrayed you. My question is how does a FWS forgive THEMSELF? Hubby and I were talking and he said again, that he has forgiven me. I haven't forgiven myself, and even though in a way, I know I should, how is that possible? How can you forgive yourself for destroying your spouse and everything they thought you were? Everything YOU thought yourself to be? How do you stop 'beating' yourself up everyday? How do you know when you have truly forgiven yourself?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The forgiveness of the WS is not for them it is for the BS. The BS forgives the WS so they don't hold the anger in their heart and so they can heal and work on being a better person.

Similarly I assume the WS should forgive themselves. For me it is derived from the 'Lords Prayer', forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us...

Forgive yourself. Yes you won't forget it. You are human and humans make mistakes so don't dwell on that. If you are truly remorseful, then take this as an opportunity to better yourself and be the best person you can be. Use it for something positive in your life to affect change and be the best wife/husband/mother/father you can. When you feel the guilt or angst or remorse build, use it to do something nice. Bake a cake, write a love note, give a deep hug etc... 

I am sorry you are here but take the bad things and use them as opportunities to do great things with your life.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I think once you understand the reason of the affair, and come out 100% truthful and when you see your spouse healing you will start to forgive yourself. If there is anything lingering you can't. Makings amends with the other betrayed spouse, any children involved should also be considered
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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

I believe my WS feels he is justified for cheating or in his words "getting from her what I was not getting at home". I don't think he feels the need to forgive himself altho he wants me to understand and forgive.


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## Foreversorry (Jun 5, 2013)

I don't feel I should forgive myself, what I did was the worse thing anyone could do to a spouse. Once I had the full truth out there, I felt this HUGE weight lift. I was just curious on others views of forgiving themselves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

Foreversorry said:


> How can you forgive yourself for destroying your spouse and everything they thought you were? Everything YOU thought yourself to be? How do you stop 'beating' yourself up everyday?_Posted via Mobile Device_


I know exactly what you are going through. Four years out and I am still struggling with the same questions you are but I think I am turning a corner. The key for me was in realizing that my wife chose to stay with me, she chose to forgive me. She didn't make those decisions because she wanted to spend the rest of our lives together punishing me or wallowing in my failures, she did it because she hopes and desires that we have a happy future together. So, if that's what she wants, who am I to wreck that by continuing to beat myself up and let the worst of what I can be define who I am and what I will be. Hanging on to the guilt is, in a way, hanging on to the affair. 

I'm sure, like me, you feel that even considering the notion of forgiveness is somehow disrespectful of your spouse and would be dismissive of the real damage that you caused and, therefore, you hang on to the guilt because that seems like part of taking responsibility for what you did. But your spouse has taken a gamble that your relationship is greater than the affair. If you let the guilt and shame continue to consume you, you are letting the dead affair dominate the relationship instead. As long as you are consumed by the guilt, your spouse will always have to question whether your actions are really done out of love or just repentence because you had an affair - and that's a crappy way to live.

The deeper your remorse, the harder it is to let go of it. But you have to do it so that you can be free to be the person your spouse wants and deserves.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Great post Screwed.
How are things at home? Please, update us in your old threaed.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

Foreversorry said:


> We always hear and talk about forgiveness of the spouse who betrayed you. My question is how does a FWS forgive THEMSELF? Hubby and I were talking and he said again, that he has forgiven me. I haven't forgiven myself, and even though in a way, I know I should, how is that possible? How can you forgive yourself for destroying your spouse and everything they thought you were? Everything YOU thought yourself to be? How do you stop 'beating' yourself up everyday? How do you know when you have truly forgiven yourself?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


IMHO, I think they find it pretty easy.


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

cj9947 said:


> IMHO, I think they find it pretty easy.


I think the ones who really don't care do. I know for me, that's not the case. I feel blessed by his grace, I feel peace in knowing he knows, but I don't feel any better for it. It was a hole, now its a scar, it aches every once it a while, and you can always feel it, but it stopped bleeding


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

cj9947 said:


> IMHO, I think they find it pretty easy.


Are you serious? Sorry, but this is not true of EVERY fWS. Some of us truly do find it difficult. The thing is, in my case, at least, it was very difficult. And, it wasn't about forgiving myself, it was about accepting the forgiveness OFFERED to me. He forgave me, but I couldn't accept that he did so, so willingly. It wasn't until I sat down and talked to my DAD that I finally "got it". I know the Christian perspective won't work for everyone, but that's what helped me understand. 

But saying that we find it easy to forgive ourselves? No. That is a false assumption. We do not. At least, not the ones who are truly remorseful.


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## blackdiamonds (Jun 26, 2013)

As a fWW, I have yet to nor (to be honest) will I ever forgive myself for what I did. I betrayed my husband and our marriage for selfish reasons (much to my eternal shame). There's no way I can ever forgive myself for it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Don't forgive yourself. Just rely on your BS' forgiveness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Foreversorry (Jun 5, 2013)

I agree, I don't WANT to forgive myself. I don't think I should. Ever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

One day you will be at piece about your past but that doesn't mean you won't have lasting guilt, remorse, and regret. They are a part of life for all of us for differing reasons.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

It's an interesting concept, really.

The betrayer out having the most exciting, risky and thrilling times of their lives (although they will rarely admit it because it's even more taboo than betraying in the first place) and then they are supposed to forgive themselves for it.

I can see the two sides.

On the one hand, it's darn hard to be repentant for having the best time of your life. For a betrayer, the actual time of the betrayal are the most cherished time of their life. It's hard to then have to feel remorse for it.

On the other hand, the betrayers best times produced devastating consequences to so many around them that it has to produce some guilt.

But full self forgiveness? 

That's a tough sell to ones self after the best and wildest times of your life.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> On the one hand, it's darn hard to be repentant for having the best time of your life. For a betrayer, the actual time of the betrayal are the most cherished time of their life. It's hard to then have to feel remorse for it.


 That's a lot of assuming and generalizing there. This definitely isn't true for remorseful former waywards. I don't think most of us would define betraying to be the best time of our lives - for me, it turned out to be one of the worst times in my life.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

FS, my wife has the same struggle....it's been 23 years......

You've come clean...work on a great marriage together. You can't change the past but you can change the future. Wife and I are the happiest we have ever been.


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## Foreversorry (Jun 5, 2013)

It was definitely NOT one of the 'best and most cherished times' of my life for damned sure!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

soulpotato said:


> That's a lot of assuming and generalizing there. This definitely isn't true for remorseful former waywards. I don't think most of us would define betraying to be the best time of our lives - for me, it turned out to be one of the worst times in my life.


Two points.....

1) I've never heard of a betrayer hoping in bed with another as if they were going to the gallows. They relished it. Only _later_ when the remorse set in did they change their tune.

2) In all the personal emailings with betrayers as a mod at another betraying site all of them admitted it was the most exciting thing they ever did.

**Late Edit** That said, I do understand that perhaps a few betrayers do so with some reluctance. But I will suggest it's well under 10%.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey foreversorry---forget the forgiving---what about the WHY

Knowing the consequences of what you were doing---WHY did you allow yourself/and justify what you did

That is what you MUST work on to fix what is broken---you may bit*h and moan, that you were truly horrible, and whatever else you wanna use to put yourself down---but until you come up with a WHY, and work on correcting that which is broken---you have achieved nothing

You don't need to forgive yourself---you need to fix what allowed you to do this


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I can't change what I did but I can learn and not make the same mistake again. I can't justify it but I have to accept it. It's part of me now, unfortunately. I want to be the wife my husband wants to be married to, that's my goal. Yes, I have said I can never forgive myself for what I did but it turns out that forgiving myself isn't really a priority for me. I needed to understand what I did, why I did it and where my priorities were for the future. I have a family to raise, I have a husband to love, we have a future to plan. I can't waste time on anything else because the aforementioned is too important.


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