# 17 faithful years, and this is what I get!!



## Gbmhgbmh (Apr 4, 2013)

Let me start off by saying, that my wife of 17 years dropped the bomb on me recently. She no longer loves me, She has not been in love with me for a very long time. 
We have had our ups and downs like every couple, and we always seemed to work it out, and move forward. Regardless of the reasons, and every one of them she says are true, I never strayed, and never cheated. I travel allot for work, and have had several opportunities, but honestly never had the desire to cheat. Never had the 7 year itch, just never felt the need. I can honestly say, I just really loved my wife. 
So here I am, feeling like a piece of crap for all the things I have done wrong over the years, and was paying bills online. I look at my cell phone bill, and see the amount of text messages on my wife's line have gone through the roof over the last month, and the month prior, and the one before that. I look at the most recent month, and see a number I don't recognize. I call it, and there is no name on the voicemail. So I pay for a reverse search, only to find out it is a guy she works with. No negative reaction at first, I met this guy, he didn't seem like a threat. We are still living together figuring things out for the kids, so I asked her about it. She admitted it was her co-worker, and she enjoys having a male friend. I pressed a little, and asked if she ever strayed or cheated with him, she said no, and gave me a line ill never forget, "does he look like the type of guy I would go for?!?" We laughed, because it was so true, Never in a million years would you think it if you see this guy. Then I literally could not sleep the next two nights...this was haunting me, so after work, while on a business trip, i examined the phone record again, and the story the pattern and the amount of text messages told me, put me into a panic. I literally went to the bathroom and threw up. I tried to calm down and look at it with fresh eyes again, and saw the same thing. 700+ texts in a month, many when i was sleeping, all hours of the night. I called her and confronted her. I pressed really hard, saying, "to what end is he texting you so much, what could you possibly be talking about" and all sorts of hard questions. Net Net, I started asking if she loved him, over and over, the answers went from loud no's to lower volume answers, to silence,..to...Maybe. It turns out she has been in love with him for over a year. She says he does not feel the same about her, and they were never physical, because he has a girlfriend. She says she wants it to be. I asked if he approached her to have sex would she? Her response was "probably". I could not get more out of her, she is using our need to plan for the separation and to tell the kids as an excuse not to talk about this anymore, but says we will have our time to discuss it all. Looks like I am the victim of trickle truth. She says he is the one trying to convince her not to leave me. I don't know what to believe anymore. In a 24 hour period, I went from being devastated that im losing my wife and grieving to total hatred and disdain for her. She says she is getting over him now, but that is not what the phone records say. In my heart, I know she was with him. And for the way she seems to have fallen for him, I would say multiple times. The mental movies in my head are horrific. From picturing them together to beating him senseless. Neither is good for me or will help me heal. Its the unknown that is killing me. This is a woman who I was in total love with. A person whom I never though would do anything like this! WTF!!! How do you ever trust again!?!? Sorry so long.. What I am asking is, How do I move forward, We have kids together and will be in each others live to a degree forever. How do I treat her? I'm lost and need help and advice.


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

The "I don't love you, or feel in love with you" is right off the script. The more you read here you will see that human behavior falls into surprisingly few categories, and is somewhat predictable once you understand what you are looking at.

Love is a choice, and she's chosen to focus on this man, as opposed to you.

You have to decide if you want to attempt to save your marriage, or if you want to end it - that will determine your course of action.

If you are aren't committed to a divorce, put the breaks on the affair and you may see that love return.

If you want to stop it you probably need to expose this, are your children old enough to share this with? You may want to expose to her family, her work, and the girlfriend. You may want to directly contact the OM.

In my case I contacted the other man - and flat out told him you want call, write, email, text, or attempt to contact my wife in any possible way you can conceive of period. 

On the other hand if you know you can't get past this you may need to go quiet, and just investigate with keyloggers, recorders, and so forth to get evidence that could serve you in a divorce. If you are considering divorce you should be talking with a lawyer pronto so you don't make any missteps.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

I am so sorry you are here but I'm really glad you found this forum. You would be very surprised to see that many APs are not what one would expect their spouse to fall for. Many times the excuse is "He/She listens to me" or something along that line. 

There is a LOT of experience here. There is a lot of pain and anger here. But most of all, there is a safety here in knowing you are not alone.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Gbmhgbmh said:


> ! How do you ever trust again!?!?


You don't, not really and ultimately that's not such a bad thing.



> Sorry so long.. What I am asking is, How do I move forward, We have kids together and will be in each others live to a degree forever. How do I treat her? I'm lost and need help and advice.


What do you want?
Do you want to try and fix the marriage or just get on with the divorce as quickly as possible?

Two totally different goals that require two totally different paths.

Then there are your wife's desires to account for, what does she want?

Answer that stuff for yourself first.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

No contact needs to be put into effect.

Ask her to draft up a no contact letter from her to him, stating that she will not contact him and he should not contact her or you.

If she says no way, then you don't tell her anything and you GO VISIT A LAWYER that day or next day, ASAP, and file for D. You can always take the D back. She's in a fog and will not wake up until she sees YOU REACT with an IRON fist!

After that YOU send it with return receipt.

She quits her job or transfers to a different department.

You get her a basic phone with no texting abilities.

Buy a couple of VARs and place one in her car. Try to figure out when she talks to him or if it is only text.

They may take this underground and buy burner phones. They usually hide burner phones in their cars or in the garage or the like.

Has she been less sexually active?


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

Expect more, and expect emotion to rule you on a day to day basis for quite some time. 

Yea, there's almost certainly more. Trust your common sense. 

My first advice is to find out if she has been away any evenings or nights. Work late? does she know where he lives? 

Look for patterns in the txts and phone calls. If you see a call or txt every few hours for months on end but one weekend all is silent, look closely. Was she out of town? on vacation? girls night out? If they're txting or talking they arent together. 

Do not believe a word that comes out of her mouth, not yet. You'll be setting yourself up for more heartache and pain and wondering how you could be so stupid. 

I would assume they're doing it to be safe, and expose that way. You only need reasonable suspicion, you don't need a smoking gun.

Chances of them being physical based on all the countless stories I've read? 99%. 

When there's a fling that is local, its almost a certainty. If he was online or out of state it drops dramatically. Also the chances a cheater lies to cover it up? 100%.


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## NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME RIGHT? (Sep 28, 2012)

Sorry you find yourself here. You will get lots of good advice in the coming hours and days. Read it all, consider it all, but don't make any long-term decisions right now.

You need to think about what you want and what will make you happy. If you have any interest in perhaps reconciling, then you need to snap her out of the fog. The woman you married is no longer present. I know she is telling you that she isn't in love with you, wants to move on etc. This may be what she wants, or this could truly be her fog thinking. The only way to know if it's real or the fog is to pour an ice cold bucket of reality on her so that she sees this affair for what it is - fantasy.

I believe the first thing you must do is snap her back to reality by exposing this affair far and wide. You need to tell your family, her family and your friends. You need to expose the other man's behavior to his girlfriend as well. Do not tell your wife you are doing any of it. Just do it all, and do it quickly. Affairs survive in the shadows, they die quickly when exposed to light. 

Once you expose, she may come to her senses and realize what she has done and what she is about to lose. If this happens, you need to tell her that you will not tolerate another person in your marriage. You will then need to give her a list of ultimatums that she MUST deliver on for you to even CONSIDER giving her a second chance:

1. She must write, show you, and send a no contact letter/email/text.

2. She must NEVER have with contact him again. This may mean quitting her job. 

3. She must come totally clean to you about all details. Any lying or withholding means you walk. She must provide an timeline of the affair, details of when, where, what etc.

4. Assuming sexual affair, she must get STD testing done and share printed results with you.

5. She must agree to marriage counseling and perhaps individual counseling as well.

6. Total transparency. You get full access to email, cell phone call logs, texts etc. she deletes nothing, and you can check any time you want.

If she agrees to all of it, then you can choose to try and reconcile. But know this, it is not an easy road, nor is it a given that you will succeed. Either way you go, reconcile or divorce, you are going to be dealing with a tremendous amount of pain in the coming months and years.

Focus on what you want and what will ultimately make you happy. Take care of yourself and your children. You are strong. You can emerge from this wiser, stronger and more confident. 

Breathe.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi Gbm welcome to the club sorry you are here as others have mentioned you need to decide which direction you want to pursue. 
Normaly the I dont love you thing is that the other partner is in an affair and since it appears to have been going on for several months and he is local I would be willing to bet that it has gone from a EA to a PA. That being said you need to decide if this is the marriage you want or not ???

As for your self I would start work on you maybe develop some hobbies and start exercising. Working out and incorporating some type of aerobic activity is very effective in dealing with stress plus you will see pretty quick results If you are having further issues such as depression maybe see your Doctor for some temporary meds in dealing with some of these feelings/emotions you are going through. 

Good Luck


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"I pressed a little, and asked if she ever strayed or cheated with him, she said no, and gave me a line ill never forget, "does he look like the type of guy I would go for?!?"

Classic sign of deception that any decent interrogator would recognize and jump on. It's right up there with "what makes you think I'd do that?" or "Why would I do that?" or "I can't believe you'd even ask me such a question!" Whether she's actually boned this guy or not, she wants to, she's fantasized about it, they've probably talked about it, and the only thing that might have prevented it is a lack of opportunity. This guy isn't chatting her up because he finds her cookie recipe's fascinating or her views on Global Warming intriguing. He's a straight guy and a straight guy doesn't devote that amount of time to a non-relative female unless he's got sexual interest in her. Can you think of any female you've chatted with endlessly that you didn't want to have sex with? 
As far as how you move on, I'd immediately close all joint accounts, draw up a legal separation agreement and one of us would have a new address. Odds are, this clown is interested in a piece of tail and not a lifetime commitment. She'll find this out, she'll be abandoned and panic. She'll crawl back to you. You can do with that what you will.
I would not beg, plead, threaten, or spy. She's announced that she's basically divorced herself from the marriage, emotionally. If she's not being a wife full time, she can be single full time and she can do it elsewhere...without your financial support. At present and for the past few months, she's enjoyed the security of marriage while also enjoying the excitement of pretending to be single. No more pretending, no more dangling toes in the water. She's either in your boat, rowing, or she's thrown into the water entirely. I wouldn't interfere with her job or force her to cease contact or force her to change jobs. Cutting crap off with this guy must be her own decision because she has figured out on her own which side of her toast is buttered. You don't want to turn this guy into the "perfect soul-mate" that might have been except for mean old husband kept us apart. You might keep her body at home but her heart and head would be elsewhere. She needs to get her head, heart, body, and communications all working toward the same relationship. She's fence-walked and played two guys for chumps long enough. 
While her head is full of 12 year old school girl stupidness I would knock out the most disadvantageous property settlement known to man. She's more interested in Mr. Wonderful than sharing your retirement savings, pension, home, property, etc. I'd have her waive rights to just about all of it. Being goofy and imagining herself "in love" she'll sign it. If she ends up with this guy, you won't be financially ruined and you won't be paying lawyers huge sums to work this stuff out. My ex thought she was "in love" and took up with my neighbor. She signed over kids, 100% of her rights to any future pensions (and I have three), etc. It was an ignorant move on her part that only the romantically stupid would make. Her fling with her Mr. Wonderful lasted a hot minute. People in affairs are highly motivated and the most motivated person in any negotiation loses.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Find out the GF (I suspects there's not such a woman) and expose to her.
Tell the homewrecker OM she's all his but you will be watching his interactions wit your kids very closely.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Ask your HSTBXW what made the man "the man she went for" all of a sudden. Don't take "don't love you etc blah" for an answer.

Know what? IC, MC, R, these letters won't help. I suspect it will only be a false R. She chose to replace you for someone who she talked about as "she wouldn't go for"? 17 years? Please. She's not some kid. She knows what she's doing, live in no illusion.

Expose. File. Go dark.

The former two, without warning. The latter, as you please.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Gbmhgbmh said:


> She says he is the one trying to convince her not to leave me.


Yeah. He sounds like the best friend a guy could ever have, trying to save your marriage. 


Look at the 180 in my signature. This one is way too far gone and in denial. She is going to mess with your head if you listen to her. Lie, guilt-trip, blame-shift, evade, trickle-truth, etc.

So for your own mental health you have to accept she is this pod person now and minimize contact. Get the lawyer and start working on filing.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

When I read these post, often between the lines, there is one similarity--"We have X great kids, our communication is virtually non existent but it was a red flag when I checked her phone, there were hundreds of messages to another male. ". No, that's not a red flag gentlemen; that proof of the pudding. 
I've been around a while and have grown to know women fairly well. When they dig you, they want to talk to you and will make talking to you a priority. After nearly 20 years, my wife calls me if we are apart more than a couple or three hours.
When they are not going out their way to talk to you, or worse avoiding talking to you, that's the red flag; not when you catch them regularly talking to another man. When that happens, its too late. They are hooked. As the saying goes, "show me a man who ain't talking to his woman and I'll show you a man whose woman I can steal".


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

If you didn't want to save your marriage, you wouldn't be posting here - you would just see an attorney and file for divorce.

It is not likely that this guy is playing hard to get and turning your wife down. No way he would be calling and texting with your wife that much unless he was interested.

The best thing you can do right now is to buy a couple of voice-activated recorders and some heavy-duty velcro. Put one in your wife's car, and another in the house where she is likely to talk on the phone when you are not home. You should have your answer within a week or so.

In the meantime, it would be best to assume the worst. She is having an affair with this guy, and it is not over.

Regardless of whether or not she is having an affair, the amount of contact is unacceptable for a married woman with a male co-worker. She is texting him at times she should be with you working on the marriage. She is not working on the marriage, in part, because of the amount of time she spends focused on this guy.

Based on that alone, without accusing her of cheating (yet), tell her that you want her to cease all contact with this guy and allow you to verify it by looking at her phone and email and all other methods of communication, and that from now on she shouldn't delete anything unless you see it.

Tell her what you posted above, that you have faults but are willing to work on them, that you love her and always have, and wouldn't dream of cheating and never have. Tell your wife that you have been loyal to her for 17 years, through all of the ups and downs, that you've always had her back, and you've always loved her, and the least she can do is tell you the truth. Then tell her that, regardless of your immense love for her, you cannot and will not tolerate her pursuing another man or having that level of communication with another man while you still are trying to work out your marriage problems. If she agrees to stop carrying on with the other man and work on your marriage, then she has to write the other man a no contact letter, give you access to all communication devices and accounts, not delete anything, let you know her whereabouts 24/7, and start looking for another job.

If she doesn't agree to give up the other man immediately, tell her she should pack up her stuff and go. Tell her if she wants to talk with other man so much, maybe she should go live with him. Call other man and tell him, you want to talk to my wife so much, you win, you can talk to her all day and all night, I'm packing up her stuff and I'll be dropping her off with all her baggage in a few minutes. Tell her you will be filing for divorce, then do it.

Call up your and her family and friends and tell them that your wife is texting another man 700+ times per months, has admitted to you that she loves him and wants to have sex with him, and refuses to stop, and ask them to call your wife and use their influence her to work on your marriage for the sake of you, her and your kids. Don't tell your wife you are doing this, just do it. If your wife goes ballistic on you, just tell her that you are fighting for her, for your marriage, and for your family, and that you make no apologies for it. Your marriage will survive her temporary anger, it will not survive with her continuing the affair.

Next, find out other man's wife/girlfriend, and tell her what you know. Then let other man's close family/friends know what is going on, ask them to use their influence to get him to dump your wife and let you work on your marriage for the sake of your kids.

Hold off on exposing her at work until you get a chance to listen to the voice-activated recorders.

If you want to save your marriage, you have to take a hard line on this. You can't nice her out of the affair. Her attraction to you will sink lower and lower the more you tolerate her openly courting another man.

This affair has gone on far too long already. The longer you allow it to continue, the worse your chances of saving your marriage.

Around your wife, do not cry, whine, plead, or beg. You will be OK with her or without her. Act like it. Be strong and confident in your actions.

Get the voice-activated recorders in place. Then confront her and let her know that the situation is unacceptable, she either ends it or you will be filing for divorce.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> "I pressed a little, and asked if she ever strayed or cheated with him, she said no, and gave me a line ill never forget, "does he look like the type of guy I would go for?!?"
> 
> Classic sign of deception that any decent interrogator would recognize and jump on. It's right up there with "what makes you think I'd do that?" or "Why would I do that?" or "I can't believe you'd even ask me such a question!"


This is correct.

Innocent people, when directly accused of wrongdoing, will deny it directly. "Are you cheating on me?" "No, I am NOT cheating on you. Why do you think that?"

Guilty people, when directly accused of wrongdoing, will not answer directly, will answer with another question, or will even answer a different question than the one you asked. "Are you cheating on me?" "Does he look like the type of guy I would go for?!?" or "When would I have the time?" or "I will stop talking to him if that's what you want" or "he has a girlfriend."


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Dear Gbmhgbmh,

First, I am sorry for the reason you are here. My heart has experienced its own share of being crushed, too. Cruel cruel, so very painful. 

Because it is sooo soon (you just found out, correct?), I want to just offer this advice:

1. You don't have to make any important decisions right now. I know you feel like you have to make big decisions and your head is probably reeling thinking about the future. But one of the most important things someone told me when I first was reacting was that I didn't need to make any decisions yet. Your goal is to survive each day, to process what you can, and read read read about this. The one thing you want to avoid is rugsweeping or giving your WS the impression that you have forgiven her or will forgive shortly out of desperation. That will backfire and put her in a position of control - bad news. If you need to, tell her you aren't ready to make decisions, you need to process this. You DO need time to process this.

2. Have you read the newbie link? It's here and it is really helpful, especially when you are first making sense of the madness: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

3. Hugs hugs hugs! I know I'm a faceless stranger. But I am loyal and ethical and loved my husband, and I too am crushed like you. I don't know you but I sincerely feel your pain and wish you strength as you begin your roller-coaster. You are in for a miserable ride that gets worse before it gets better. It will get better though, and you can always login to TAM and share your story when its too much to bear alone.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> This is correct.
> 
> Innocent people, when directly accused of wrongdoing, will deny it directly. "Are you cheating on me?" "No, I am NOT cheating on you. Why do you think that?"
> 
> Guilty people, when directly accused of wrongdoing, will not answer directly, will answer with another question, or will even answer a different question than the one you asked. "Are you cheating on me?" "Does he look like the type of guy I would go for?!?" or "When would I have the time?" or "I will stop talking to him if that's what you want" or "he has a girlfriend."


Out of the clear blue my husband told me he wanted a divorce. Then said he did not love me and hasn't loved me for a long time. When I asked him if there was someone else, his response was "I don't love anyone, but my son". Ummm......that is not an answer to my question. Guilty!


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## Hurt&confused92 (Apr 6, 2013)

im sorry that you had to join this club...my heart goes out to you. all the posts i have read i agree with (except for telling family and friends) Telling those outside of your personal inner circle could backfire if you decide to work it out. Family and friends tend to hold grudges for a long time and voice opinions for years after things subside.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

When a wife is spending hours communicating with some guy, "trying to work out problems in her marriage", she is likely using the "tube" for conversation and has already pulled his brains half way to his feet.issed:


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

SaltInWound said:


> Out of the clear blue my husband told me he wanted a divorce. Then said he did not love me and hasn't loved me for a long time. When I asked him if there was someone else, his response was "I don't love anyone, but my son". Ummm......that is not an answer to my question. Guilty!


When I asked about "it" to one of my ex women, she said "Who told you?" "From where did you hear that?"

The phone convo's still in my ears, ringing my brain, slightly.

I hadn't pressed any further.


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