# She said she wants a divorce



## Hopealltheway (Jul 12, 2015)

We have been together for 6 years but we just got married last December. We have 2 boys (5 and 3). I'm 41 and she's 33. I'm a very organize person and she's a free bird. I cant stand the mess around the house as well as not being financially responsible. She does not like the fact that I argue and raise my voice when I come home and complaint about the mess around the house. She is fed up and she wants out because she believe that the kids and her deserve much better. I'm a very hardworking man, take care of all my family needs but we definitely have a communication problem. I do not want my marriage to end and I do not want to take turns to see my kids. She started IC a month ago and we argued about that because she is paying $90 per visit when she cannot afford it. I told her that there are other places that will charge less but she completely ignored me. I went once to IC and I'm planning to schedule another visit this week. I do not know what else to do. I feel that I'm drowning and I don't know which way I'm heading. I don't want to live my life like this, I really want to find a solutions to this problem. Need help and advise?


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

besides IC have the 2 of you considered MC.
it is rather mind boggling that you've been together for 6 years with two kids. you should know one another's habits pretty well and either adjusted or split. but you chose to marry less than a year ago and Now you can't stand each other? wow.


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## Hopealltheway (Jul 12, 2015)

I asked her several times to go to MC but she said that I needed to work on myself first (she thinks I'm too controlling). Some days she acts like everything is fine but then she comes back with the story of getting divorce. I truly believe that the reason she went forward with the marriage is because her dad was very ill and she wanted to make sure that he was there for that special day before he passed away. I told her that even though I'm going to IC I would like her support and that we need to work together, but I just feel that she's getting further away from making things work.

In all honesty I feel that it is a little selfish on her part because she should think about our sons and also the fact that I'm willing to do anything necessary to make things work. Most men are not too happy with the idea of MC and I don't have any problem as long as we can resolve this issue. This is really affecting me with my business and eventually will affect my finances and she doesn't seem to understand that either.


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## goddess007 (Jul 12, 2015)

She sounds very immature for her age. Its sad the kids will have to suffer the consequences of you two getting married. I am sure you knew she was a messy person before you married her....but you married her anyway. I just feel sorry for the kids....this women will divorce you and then expose the kids to a bunch of different boyfriends etc. I am sorry you just married an unstable woman.


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## Hopealltheway (Jul 12, 2015)

Actually, I never visited her place she actually moved in with me and immediately she knew that I was all about cleanliness and organization. I just don't think it is fair to blame everything on me instead of facing our differences and find a way to meet each other half way.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Sorry, but you married a spoiled child. Once you start detaching, you will realize that you cannot be happy with her for that long and eventually your resentment would have most likely destroyed your love for her anyways.

You love her at the moment, but logically, knowing what you know now, and if you were detached, you would not be with her at the present.

I am like you in which I am neat and orderly. I cannot stand living in a mess either.

Given enough time, you would likely divorced her as well.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

pistal said:


> You've been together 6 years, you have 2 children together and you've never been to her place. Weird.


I read it that way, too, but I think what he meant was before they moved in together (which I assume they did before having kids) he never went to her place.


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## Hopealltheway (Jul 12, 2015)

SeecondTimeRound, You are correct when she moved in with me before having our first son, I never visited her place. Three months after we started our relationship she got pregnant. As far as Mr. Fisty comments, I totally agree that it is hard to live with a messy person but I truly believe that there has to be a way to compromise to the point that we can both contribute to each other happiness. On another note, this will be my third divorce and I never had any children on the first 2 relationships so with that said what worries me the most is my kids. I really don't want them to grow up moving from one home to another and having to live their lives with other people. Since I have never experienced that growing up or never had any kids before, that completely break my heart.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

How messy are we talking?

Is it dirty, or just cluttered? Having two young boys can lead to clutter, with all their toys and stuff. 

Is there a reason you can't clean up, since you are the neat-freak?

Hire a maid?

Man, this seems pretty trivial, and one would think a compromise could be made.

Why did your first 2 marriages end?

BTW, a sure way to kill any relationship with a woman is to raise your voice in anger. Learn about relationships, or you will be living alone (in a neat apartment) paying child support and seeing your kids on the weekends.


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## Hopealltheway (Jul 12, 2015)

Threestrikes, it is mostly about cluttered and I already offered to help put things away and find a better system to store the kids stuff. But I believe she's just tired of all the yelling and screaming for all these years. 

We have a maid that comes in every other week, we go out to eat all the time and I always paid for everything, I paid for 90% of the expenses and she works part-time. I think her heart is so hardened and she doesn't think that I will change. My problem comes from my childhood, because my mom was a neat freak and she will always yell and scream at us since she thought that was the right way to discipline her kids.

My first 2 marriages ended because I cheated on both of them. Before I met my current wife, I dated for a while but when I met her I knew she was the one. It is sad that my childhood issues are now the reason why it is affecting my own family.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Are you thinking of your boys when you come home and yell? What makes you think that's good for anyone?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Hopealltheway said:


> Threestrikes, it is mostly about cluttered and I already offered to help put things away and find a better system to store the kids stuff. But I believe she's just tired of all the yelling and screaming for all these years.
> 
> We have a maid that comes in every other week, we go out to eat all the time and I always paid for everything, I paid for 90% of the expenses and she works part-time. I think her heart is so hardened and she doesn't think that I will change. My problem comes from my childhood, because my mom was a neat freak and she will always yell and scream at us since she thought that was the right way to discipline her kids.
> 
> My first 2 marriages ended because I cheated on both of them. Before I met my current wife, I dated for a while but when I met her I knew she was the one. It is sad that my childhood issues are now the reason why it is affecting my own family.


We all have FOO issues, and usually it takes us hitting rock bottom before we address them.

You will most likely be unable to have a successful relationship until you address your own issues.

You are an admitted cheater, an angry yeller/screamer, and a neat-freak to the extent it's hard to live with you.

My suggestion is to fix *you* first. Stop trying to change her. If you are lucky, and your wife sees you making the necessary changes for a successful relationship, she may not leave. But, it could be too late.

You pay for everything? Big deal. If she divorces you, you'll still pay for everything. Understand? Give her a reason to keep you around.


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## Shiksagoddess (Jan 20, 2011)

You worry about how much IC costs, yet you guys go out to eat a lot? Are you really concerned about money, or is this just another item on a long list of things that annoy you? That dinner out is temporary, but that IC is meant to last a long time -- which is the better deal?

Frankly, if my husband came home and yelled at me all the time to the point where I dreaded his arrival, I'd want to divorce too.

I give you credit for recognizing that the status quo is not working and that you need to make a change. I hope it's not too late.

My best advice? 1) go forward this day, this very moment, as you wish to go on the rest of your life. 2) work on you.

Good luck.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ThreeStrikes said:


> We all have FOO issues, and usually it takes us hitting rock bottom before we address them.
> 
> You will most likely be unable to have a successful relationship until you address your own issues.
> 
> ...




Admitted cheater huh? Gotta love a cheater throwing out the selfish charge. I'm sure the kids were very important while he fvcked another woman. 

The kids matter when it suits him it would seem. His wife is better off without him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Admitted cheater huh? Gotta love a cheater throwing out the selfish charge. I'm sure the kids were very important while he fvcked another woman.
> 
> The kids matter when it suits him it would seem. His wife is better off without him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He cheated on his first 2 wives. As far as we know, not with his current wife.

But yes, there are character and FOO issues that need to be addressed if there is any hope to salvage this marriage.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ThreeStrikes said:


> He cheated on his first 2 wives. As far as we know, not with his current wife.
> 
> But yes, there are character and FOO issues that need to be addressed if there is any hope to salvage this marriage.


Fair enough. It does suggest selfish tendencies and character flaws though so to make the selfish charge simply because she wants out is self serving at best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hopealltheway (Jul 12, 2015)

lifeistooshort, I cheated on my first 2 wives when I was on my twenties and I never had any kids with any of them. After my failure in both marriages, I decided to change my life and I have been completely faithful to my current wife. So our issues now are domestic and my temper behavior when things are not neatly in order.

I'm ready for this long ride to work on myself and hopefully is not too late for her to notice the improvement. I have realized my wrong behavior and I want to do what is right so my boys will learn to be good men in all aspects of life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Love Pandy (Jul 20, 2015)

So no one cheated! Well this is fixable! Try MC asap!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Hopealltheway said:


> lifeistooshort, I cheated on my first 2 wives when I was on my twenties and I never had any kids with any of them. After my failure in both marriages, I decided to change my life and I have been completely faithful to my current wife. So our issues now are domestic and my temper behavior when things are not neatly in order.
> 
> I'm ready for this long ride to work on myself and hopefully is not too late for her to notice the improvement. I have realized my wrong behavior and I want to do what is right so my boys will learn to be good men in all aspects of life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you have very unrealistic expectations about how clutter free a home can actually BE with small kids in the house. You had no kids in your first two marriages, so you didn't have to deal with it. It's DAMN HARD to keep a house clutter-free with little ones. Seriously, you feel like you never catch up and all you do is bend over all day long picking crap up. 

Understandably, it might stress you out to walk into a house of clutter at the end of the day, so you two need to come up with some sort of compromise. Maybe buy some big bins and have her agree to throw everything in the bins 30 minutes before you get home if you agree to help put the things in the bins in their proper place when you get home? 

I hate clutter, too, so I get it. But, it's very difficult to maintain a clutter free home until your kids are much older.


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