# When parents cheat...



## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I'm going to post this here as I think it's probably the best forum for it. My father and mother divorced when I was ten. Honestly, the divorce was easy on me because my father was an alcoholic and occasionally verbally and physically abusive to my mother. Both parents went on to remarry and I gained two wonderful step parents. 

My father died in 1999. My mother died in May of this year. In the days leading up to my mother's death, I spent a LOT of time with her and we had some great conversations. One of them was heartbreaking for me. 

My mother has never spoken ill of my father. But, I had some suspicions that he had cheated. I finally came out and just asked straight out if he had. She told me that not long after my brother was born (5 years my senior) that my father had an affair with a mutual friend. The two of them planned to basically steal my brother and move to another state. After a time, my mother and the woman's husband found out and ended all contact. That would have been in 1965 or so. My mother was raised on a farm and had only a high school education. She had no formal training and was a stay at home mother. Her parents convinced her that she had to stay married. 

I was born in 1969. My father had started drinking heavily while in the Navy and never did get out of that habit. In the late 1970s, my dad moved to Texas for a time and we followed. He had an affair in Texas too and my mother brought us back to SC. My dad then moved to Nevada and my mom finally got the nerve to serve him divorce papers. 

At first, he refused to have a set child support and said he would just send money as needed. She wouldn't buy that and held firm, so the courts awarded child support. My mom said she received one month of child support and that was the last she ever received. 

She took multiple jobs working as a waitress or in sales to support my brother and I. Luckily, my aunt and uncle (father's sister) was childless and helped out a LOT. I still consider them to be an extra set of parents. 

It's simply unbelievable how much my mother went through due to my drunk, abusive, cheating father. 

I have been married now for 20 years and have two great daughters. I rarely drink and simply don't have the desire to. But occasionally I'll have a beer or bourbon, or even a mixed drink with dinner. I'm not abusive though sometimes I have to step back and tell myself to chill out. I have never cheated on anyone, including my wife. I was cheated on by my first GF and then by my fiancée. In both instances I immediately broke up with them. The fiancée break up required actually cancelling wedding plans. This was before I even knew my father cheated. 

I'm sorry for the long post, but I was thinking of my mom this morning and felt the need to vent. 

Any of you have a parent who cheated?


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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

The real question besides yourself, would be do you know anyone with a parent that didn't cheat? Sad but unfortunately the kid factor doesn't stop these acts. Although I was certainly naive to think it would be some kind of blocker in my own marriage. I used to say to myself, no way would she cheat. We have 3 kids, she would never hurt them by doing something so selfish. I know I wouldnt. If either one of us wants out, we can do it respectfully. Nope! She slept with op in our family car and introduced the kids. Again, kids or being a parent just isn't a factor.  

Who needs a signature?


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

confusednAlone said:


> The real question besides yourself, would be do you know anyone with a parent that didn't cheat? Sad but unfortunately the kid factor doesn't stop these acts. Although I was certainly naive to think it would be some kind of blocker in my own marriage. I used to say to myself, no way would she cheat. We have 3 kids, she would never hurt them by doing something so selfish. I know I wouldnt. If either one of us wants out, we can do it respectfully. Nope! She slept with op in our family car and introduced the kids. Again, kids or being a parent just isn't a factor.
> 
> Who needs a signature?


Agreed! Anyone who thinks they can cheat and it won't effect their children is way off base. There's no way for it to NOT effect your children!


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

confusednAlone said:


> The real question besides yourself, would be do you know anyone with a parent that didn't cheat? Sad but unfortunately the kid factor doesn't stop these acts. Although I was certainly naive to think it would be some kind of blocker in my own marriage. I used to say to myself, no way would she cheat. We have 3 kids, she would never hurt them by doing something so selfish. I know I wouldnt. If either one of us wants out, we can do it respectfully. Nope! She slept with op in our family car and introduced the kids. Again, kids or being a parent just isn't a factor.
> 
> Who needs a signature?












wow, your story is....just wow...


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

I came from a family where my parents loved and truly respected one another. Actually, cheating was a big no no in both families. 

I firmly believed marriages were this way. The truth is that they are not. I have been cheated on. Most of my siblings have been cheated on too. 

I was thinking about this over the weekend. Both of my X's parents were not that loving or respectful towards their spouses. They indeed cheated. This is the case for my siblings that were cheated on as well. It seems to be a cyclical thing and you have to have strong moral values to break these very destructive cycles.

It's easy to fall into destructive patterns, especially when society doesn't condone cheating. It's very difficult to not stray. After all, life is full of temptations and most of us are weak or vulnerable at different periods throughout our lives.

The odds of staying in the straight and narrow course are slim to none


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

My dad cheated on my mom. He was such a jerk, in so many different ways. 

But we don't get to choose our parents. We just have to try to learn from their mistakes.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Although cheating parents are bad for the kids, its not nearly as bad as some things parents do that the kids witness. If I had my druthers, I'd pick cheating over other things.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

My father cheated on my mom. I think it started as an emotional affair and turned physical. Not real sure of the time line though. I think it went on for years (I didn't find out until after the divorce though). They separated when I was about 14-15. I'll never forget when my dad came into my bedroom and told me that they were separating and he was moving out. After 1 year maybe, they proceeded with divorce. I didn't want them to stay together though because they were not a match. The tension in the house was insane. I didn't get along with my mother too much at the time. She was very emotional and I was a teen unable to deal with it. She took out a lot of the anger on me (I believe). I choose to live with my father even though I felt that he played a larger part in the divorce. This strained my relationship with my mother permanently as she feels that I took a side. I idolized my dad. My father married the OW and remained married. He passed away 3 1/2 years ago; they were happily married for over 20 years. My mother also remarried and is still happily married for over 20 years too. 

It was a happy ending, but a heck of a road to take.


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## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

My dad cheated on my mom. He was also an abusive alcoholic, and in many ways a misogynist. He blames all his troubles on women. When my mom discovered his affair, she kicked him out. OW left her H and they lived together for a time. But he was still drinking and it was a train wreck relationship. Eventually he pushed her through a sliding glass door during an argument and she left him too. He finally entered rehab and has been sober 33 years now. He has gone back to his OW many times over the years and it always ends in disaster... they are a textbook example of toxic. Mom was so devastated by his betrayal that she never even gave another man the time of day and still lives the rest of her days alone and depressed. Oddly enough, even though they haven't been together in 35 years, they are still married... neither felt the need to make things official.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> My father cheated on my mom. I think it started as an emotional affair and turned physical. Not real sure of the time line though. I think it went on for years (I didn't find out until after the divorce though). They separated when I was about 14-15. I'll never forget when my dad came into my bedroom and told me that they were separating and he was moving out. After 1 year maybe, they proceeded with divorce. I didn't want them to stay together though because they were not a match. The tension in the house was insane. I didn't get along with my mother too much at the time. She was very emotional and I was a teen unable to deal with it. She took out a lot of the anger on me (I believe). I choose to live with my father even though I felt that he played a larger part in the divorce. This strained my relationship with my mother permanently as she feels that I took a side. I idolized my dad. My father married the OW and remained married. He passed away 3 1/2 years ago; they were happily married for over 20 years. My mother also remarried and is still happily married for over 20 years too.
> 
> It was a happy ending, but a heck of a road to take.


Have you and your mom been able to talk about the strain? Any hope of repairing it?


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

jld said:


> Have you and your mom been able to talk about the strain? Any hope of repairing it?


Yes, we've talked about it and I think it's been repaired as much as it can be. 

I had tried to separate out their marriage from their relationship with me. I tried not to judge and just kept my nose out of it as much as possible. My mother took my friendship with the OW as an insult to her.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Yes, we've talked about it and I think it's been repaired as much as it can be.
> 
> I had tried to separate out their marriage from their relationship with me. I tried not to judge and just kept my nose out of it as much as possible. My mother took my friendship with the OW as an insult to her.


Yeah, I am sure that hurt her a lot. But I would have hoped that her love for you, and her own maturity, would have made her grateful that you had another caring adult in your life.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

heartbroken50 said:


> My dad cheated on my mom. He was also an abusive alcoholic, and in many ways a misogynist. He blames all his troubles on women. When my mom discovered his affair, she kicked him out. OW left her H and they lived together for a time. But he was still drinking and it was a train wreck relationship. Eventually he pushed her through a sliding glass door during an argument and she left him too. He finally entered rehab and has been sober 33 years now. He has gone back to his OW many times over the years and it always ends in disaster... they are a textbook example of toxic. Mom was so devastated by his betrayal that she never even gave another man the time of day and still lives the rest of her days alone and depressed. Oddly enough, even though they haven't been together in 35 years, they are still married... neither felt the need to make things official.


I am sorry to read this, heartbroken. Your poor mom.


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## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

jld said:


> I am sorry to read this, heartbroken. Your poor mom.


She now has Alzheimer's and lives in a facility. Mercifully, she no longer remembers a lot of the pain he put her through, only the good times. My brothers get so upset when we are together for holidays because now she will hold hands with him and snuggle on the couch when they are together. In their eyes, he does not deserve her love or adoration, but I like that she can take what she needs from him now and that he does not push her away. He has many regrets and I think if he had it to do over again he would make different choices.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

heartbroken50 said:


> She now has Alzheimer's and lives in a facility. Mercifully, she no longer remembers a lot of the pain he put her through, only the good times. My brothers get so upset when we are together for holidays because now she will hold hands with him and snuggle on the couch when they are together. In their eyes, he does not deserve her love or adoration, but I like that she can take what she needs from him now and that he does not push him away. *He has many regrets and I think if he had it to do over again he would make different choices.*


I sure hope so. Has he ever talked to you about it?

Gosh, if I ever cheated on my husband, I would want to apologize to my kids, too. How hurtful to the whole family.


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## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

jld said:


> I sure hope so. Has he ever talked to you about it?
> 
> Gosh, if I ever cheated on my husband, I would want to apologize to my kids, too. How hurtful to the whole family.


Yes, many times...he regrets ever stepping out on her as he still loves her to this day. In his mind the only silver lining was that she was spared the worst of his drinking which he shared with OW. But his genuine remorse was the biggest factor in my being able to rebuild a relationship with him in my early 20s. He does not blame her at all for what he did, takes full responsibility for his infidelity and drinking and abuse. He and I are very close now and he has dedicated himself to being there whenever we need him...he stays with my kids whenever H is in the hospital so I can be with him. He is a much better grandfather than he was a father, that's for sure.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

My mother cheated on my dad - when I was 12 years old, I caught her in bed with my dad's brother. Talk about scarring a kid for life!


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

karole said:


> My mother cheated on my dad - when I was 12 years old, I caught her in bed with my dad's brother. Talk about scarring a kid for life!


Oh crap!! :surprise:

Can they even look at you in eye today?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My father cheated on my mother when I was around 14. At first, she was going to divorce him but decided not to break up our family. 

My ex-husband cheated on me when my son was around 13. At first, I was going to divorce him but decided not to break up our family. 

My mother was married 45 years (until her death). She wanted so much to celebrate her 50th anniversary. 

I was married 45 years (until my divorce). I wanted so much to celebrate my 50th anniversary. 

I feel that to a great extent I lived my mother's life.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

rockon said:


> Oh crap!! :surprise:
> 
> 
> Can they even look at you in eye today?



My relationship with my mother was forever ruined. I lost all respect for her. 

The entire thing was swept under the rug - they (my uncle and mom) tried to tell me I didn't see what I saw, that I shouldn't tell my dad anything (which i didn't, I was afraid he would kill my uncle and end up in jail). So, I had to keep that secret throughout my childhood. It's a long story and and there's a lot more to it. Maybe I will post about it one of these days. I honestly still don't like talking about it and I'm 53 years old now!


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

I am an OC. My mother was single and had an affair with a married coworker. I remember when I was very young, maybe 2 or 3, he'd occasionally come to the apartment and play with me. Once he brought two boys that were a little older than me. Maybe 4 and 6. We all played. Those were probably my brothers. The cat never got out of the bag. My mother ended up marrying a man I don't think she really loved but he was a lawyer so she knew he could provide better for me. I was 5 by then. I was the unwanted bagged that came along with my mom. He didn't like me very much. A few years ago he apologized for how he treated me as a kid so we get along a bit better now.

I used to ask my mom about my biological father. I have a family out there somewhere I've never met. She would shut me down quick. Tell me I had a good life and not to mess with it. I never found my other family. Mom took her secrets to the grave.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

My mother cheated on my father with her therapist. My mom was seeing a therapist for issues related to her own father sexually abusing her. The therapist (obviously) crossed professional boundaries, professed feelings for my mom and kissed her. She DID kiss him back, but came home and told my dad about it immediately and never saw the therapist again. I did not find out about this until roughly 10 years ago. I don’t know all of the circumstances, but apparently my dad forgave her and it was just a blip in their marriage. My dad adores my mom and they have a very strong marriage that’s lasted 35+ years. I believe this happened some 25+ years ago. 

My moms first marriage ended because my brothers dad slept with her best friend. To this day when she speaks of it, her words are FILLED with venom about the incident – though they actually moved on years upon years ago to being friends. She forgave the affair, but just didn’t want to be married to him after that. Of course, he had other issues such as drinking and abuse as well. He blamed the abuse on PTSD from Vietnam – apparently held her at gum point and threw her off the porch during a flashback.


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)




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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

karole said:


> My mother cheated on my dad - when I was 12 years old, I caught her in bed with my dad's brother. Talk about scarring a kid for life!





karole said:


> My relationship with my mother was forever ruined. I lost all respect for her.
> 
> The entire thing was swept under the rug - they (my uncle and mom) tried to tell me I didn't see what I saw, that I shouldn't tell my dad anything (which i didn't, I was afraid he would kill my uncle and end up in jail). So, I had to keep that secret throughout my childhood. It's a long story and and there's a lot more to it. Maybe I will post about it one of these days. I honestly still don't like talking about it and I'm 53 years old now!


My gosh, that is terrible, karole. No wonder you lost all respect for her!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

LucasJackson said:


> I am an OC. My mother was single and had an affair with a married coworker. *I remember when I was very young, maybe 2 or 3, he'd occasionally come to the apartment and play with me. Once he brought two boys that were a little older than me. Maybe 4 and 6. We all played. Those were probably my brothers.* The cat never got out of the bag. My mother ended up marrying a man I don't think she really loved but he was a lawyer so she knew he could provide better for me. I was 5 by then. I was the unwanted bagged that came along with my mom. He didn't like me very much. A few years ago he apologized for how he treated me as a kid so we get along a bit better now.
> 
> I used to ask my mom about my biological father. I have a family out there somewhere I've never met. She would shut me down quick. Tell me I had a good life and not to mess with it. I never found my other family. Mom took her secrets to the grave.


Wow, this is really sad, Lucas. 

Do you want to find them now?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

LosingHim said:


> My mother cheated on my father with her therapist. My mom was seeing a therapist for issues related to her own father sexually abusing her. The therapist (obviously) crossed professional boundaries, professed feelings for my mom and kissed her. She DID kiss him back, but came home and told my dad about it immediately and never saw the therapist again. I did not find out about this until roughly 10 years ago. I don’t know all of the circumstances, but apparently my dad forgave her and it was just a blip in their marriage. My dad adores my mom and they have a very strong marriage that’s lasted 35+ years. I believe this happened some 25+ years ago.
> 
> My moms first marriage ended because my brothers dad slept with her best friend. To this day when she speaks of it, her words are FILLED with venom about the incident – though they actually moved on years upon years ago to being friends. She forgave the affair, but just didn’t want to be married to him after that. Of course, he had other issues such as drinking and abuse as well. He blamed the abuse on PTSD from Vietnam – apparently held her at gum point and threw her off the porch during a flashback.


Your dad has had a sort of EA with a woman for many years now, too, correct? Did your parents ever go to counseling together for these issues?


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

karole said:


> My relationship with my mother was forever ruined. I lost all respect for her.
> 
> The entire thing was swept under the rug - they (my uncle and mom) tried to tell me I didn't see what I saw, that I shouldn't tell my dad anything (which i didn't, I was afraid he would kill my uncle and end up in jail). So, I had to keep that secret throughout my childhood. It's a long story and and there's a lot more to it. Maybe I will post about it one of these days. I honestly still don't like talking about it and I'm 53 years old now!


Down here in the South we say

Bless your heart


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

jld said:


> Wow, this is really sad, Lucas.
> 
> Do you want to find them now?


I'd love to find my biological father's side of the family. He's probably dead but I assume my siblings aren't. It would be cool to meet them but it may be a d-day for that family so I'll probably let it go.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

jld said:


> My gosh, that is terrible, karole. No wonder you lost all respect for her!


No, he never found out. They divorced many years later. They have both since passed away. My dad had a very happy life after the divoce and my mother was a miserable human being. No one could stand her and I don't believe she could stand herself.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

karole said:


> No, he never found out. They divorced many years later. They have both since passed away. My dad had a very happy life after the divoce and my mother was a miserable human being. No one could stand her and I don't believe she could stand herself.


When people do things like your mother did and don't make amends, it tends to eat them up inside. That may be just one of the many things she did in her lifetime that she was ashamed of. A life of shame and regrets would make someone bitter and dislikable.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

LucasJackson said:


> When people do things like your mother did and don't make amends, it tends to eat them up inside. That may be just one of the many things she did in her lifetime that she is ashamed of. A life of shame and regrets would make someone bitter and dislikable.


That makes sense, Lucas. 

I am really sorry your mom and uncle could not be honest with you, karole.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

jld said:


> Your dad has had a sort of EA with a woman for many years now, too, correct? Did your parents ever go to counseling together for these issues?


The TAM consensus is pretty much 50/50 with what my dad doing/does being an EA. He still talks to his teenage girlfriend. But he doesn’t hide it from my mom. He will read my mom her messages on facebook,, mom has full access to his facebook, phone, etc. and knows all of their contact. My mom has never caught him in a lie about her, nothings ever been hidden, she lives across the country. When she came into town last fall my dad took her for a boat ride and invited my mom but my mom didn’t want to go. Depending on the opinion here it’s an EA or it’s not. Some say it’s not because it’s not hidden and all communication appears to be above board. Others say it’s an EA because my mom doesn’t like the contact. 

I am not aware if my parents have ever been to counseling.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

jld said:


> My dad cheated on my mom. He was such a jerk, in so many different ways.
> 
> But we don't get to choose our parents. *We just have to try to learn from their mistakes*.


Ain't that the truth!!!

My dad was a serial cheater. He loved the ladies and the ladies sure did love him....someone that should have NEVER gotten married but he wanted that perfect picket fence life. My mom knew about many of his dalliances but chose to look the other way - she too '_didn't want to break up the family_' - that is until he fell in love with one of his OW. That's about when the sh!t hit the fan. 

My mother went from being a very nurturing and loving person who always supported my dad to a psycho woman 'fighting for her man'. I swore I would never be like that. 

Unfortunately, some of the lessons I learned originate from a place of pain and my personality, morals, and values are a reflection of that.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

My mom had an EA and probable PA with her boss. She denied the PA but there were many red flags. The worst of the red flags came to light after her death. My dad has had to process the who thing after her death.

The worst was my great grandmother. My grandmother was the OC. She did not know this. My grandmother hired a PI and tracked her bio-dad down after her adoptive dad passed. She made contact and bio-dad seemed receptive. Apparently the BS was less receptive to contact because she fed rat poison tainted food to my grandmother. Fortunately it wasn't enough to kill, but did put her in the hospital for months.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Lila said:


> Ain't that the truth!!!
> 
> My dad was a serial cheater. He loved the ladies and the ladies sure did love him....someone that should have NEVER gotten married but he wanted that perfect picket fence life. My mom knew about many of his dalliances but chose to look the other way - she too '_didn't want to break up the family_' - that is until he fell in love with one of his OW. That's about when the sh!t hit the fan.
> 
> My mother went from being a very nurturing and loving person who always supported my dad to a psycho woman 'fighting for her man'. I swore I would never be like that.


I hear you. I think it is really unwise to "fight for a man."



> Unfortunately, some of the lessons I learned originate from *a place of pain* and my personality, morals, and values are a reflection of that.


I'm sorry, Lila.  

Those lessons sure can be powerful ones.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Oh and I left out the other side of the family....

My grandfather was an epic philanderer. There is a non-zero chance that some of you reading this are my unknowing half cousins.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

karole said:


> My relationship with my mother was forever ruined. I lost all respect for her.
> 
> The entire thing was swept under the rug - they (my uncle and mom) tried to tell me I didn't see what I saw, that I shouldn't tell my dad anything (which i didn't, I was afraid he would kill my uncle and end up in jail). So, I had to keep that secret throughout my childhood. It's a long story and and there's a lot more to it. Maybe I will post about it one of these days. I honestly still don't like talking about it and I'm 53 years old now!


Same thing happened to a good friend of mine when he was about 10. He walked in on his stepdad having sex with his mom's best friend. The difference in this story is that he hated his stepdad, so he jumped on his bike and booked it down a mile or so to where his mom worked and told her what he saw. 

She kicked her husband out that afternoon, but ended up getting back together with him a month or so later. My friend hated his stepdad twice as much after that, and eventually went to go live with his real dad in another state the next school year. He never forgave his mom for reconciling with the stepdad, and the two have had a tepid relationship ever since...and this was 38 years ago....

And his stepdad's adultery affected me because one of my best friends had to move away.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Same thing happened to a good friend of mine when he was about 10. He walked in on his stepdad having sex with his mom's best friend. The difference in this story is that he hated his stepdad, so he jumped on his bike and booked it down a mile or so to where his mom worked and told her what he saw.
> 
> She kicked her husband out that afternoon, but ended up getting back together with him a month or so later. My friend hated his stepdad twice as much after that, and eventually went to go live with his real dad in another state the next school year. He never forgave his mom for reconciling with the stepdad, and the two have had a tepid relationship ever since...and this was 38 years ago....
> 
> *And his stepdad's adultery affected me because one of my best friends had to move away.*


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

There is a family story that's one of those things you're not sure is true or not, but now it's water under the bridge because it was so long ago and the people are long gone. 

Apparently on my moms side, my moms grandpa cheated on her grandma. As the story goes, grandma found out, fought for her man and gave up and killed herself with a shotgun. BUT, it was always suspected that she really didn't kill herself but that grandpa actually killed her to be with his AP, whom he married quickly after her death. The part of grandma dying was obviously true, but whether it was a murder/suicide has always been unknown. Apparently grandpa was a mean SOB and many people suspected he really killed her to be with the other woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

TX-SC said:


> I'm going to post this here as I think it's probably the best forum for it. My father and mother divorced when I was ten. Honestly, the divorce was easy on me because my father was an alcoholic and occasionally verbally and physically abusive to my mother. Both parents went on to remarry and I gained two wonderful step parents.
> 
> My father died in 1999. My mother died in May of this year. In the days leading up to my mother's death, I spent a LOT of time with her and we had some great conversations. One of them was heartbreaking for me.
> 
> ...


Our stories are very similar. 

My dad left the hospital the day I was born and shacked up with another lady. Why? Because I was born with blonde hair and he was American Indian. At 9, he finally left for the last time for another woman, while he was knee deep in meth and alcohol.

My parents split. They both remarried. I ended up with a step father that was more my real father. My dad later cleaned up, and married a hippie girl who turned out to be pretty cool.

My dad and I made peace when I was about 23 or thereabouts. 

I struggle with addiction, just like my father. I have beat meth, alcohol, and porn. I hope I can continue to make better choices than he.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

larry.gray said:


> My mom had an EA and probable PA with her boss. She denied the PA but there were many red flags. The worst of the red flags came to light after her death. My dad has had to process the who thing after her death.
> 
> The worst was my great grandmother. My grandmother was the OC. She did not know this. My grandmother hired a PI and tracked her bio-dad down after her adoptive dad passed. She made contact and bio-dad seemed receptive. Apparently the BS was less receptive to contact because she fed rat poison tainted food to my grandmother. Fortunately it wasn't enough to kill, but did put her in the hospital for months.


Just, wow...


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I hate to say it, but cheaters are the most selfish people. They screw up so many peoples' lives. This thread is proof.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

My mom cheated thru out my parents marriage. I knew of one but didn't learn the scope and numbers till I was in my 20's. She is and always has been a full blown alcoholic and has been since I was a small child. 

I really have no idea if she ever loved my father or just married him to be taken care of looking back. My mom is the most self centered/selfish person I've ever met. She hated being "stuck" with kids and she always thought it unfair she burdened with the job. I ruined her "dream life" and was told that most of my childhood. 

The one recurring theme in her life is her high school sweetheart. She has had an affair off and on with him for decades. My parents did eventually divorce after 30+ years of marriage. True to my mother's character she is the perfect victim. She has never admitted any fault nor any of her affairs. She lives in a perfect world of denial.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

karole said:


> My mother cheated on my dad - when I was 12 years old, I caught her in bed with my dad's brother. Talk about scarring a kid for life!


That's a horrible thing for a child to see! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I knew a girl who went home early from school one day and found her father in bed with another man. 

A week or so later she went home early again and she found he father's body as he had killed himself. 

She was 12 years old and she really went off the rails, poor kid. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> I knew a girl who went home early from school one day and found her father in bed with another man.
> 
> A week or so later she went home early again and she found he father's body as he had killed himself.
> 
> ...


Poor girl. That's probably the most heartbreaking story on here.


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

My parents didn't cheat, at least that I knew of. Their marriage went down the gurgler though and they split up for good when I was 12. My dad was a p*ss head so that didn't help matters. I think he sabotaged though, and wasn't "on" with women but seemed to want to make a point to my mum around the time they were splitting up that he could hang out or live with whomever he wanted. He was a bit pig headed. Mid life crisis maybe. I suspect bipolar though, as that's my diagnosis and there are genetic links. 

I did find out my pop cheated on my nan though. Felt disappointed and disillusioned, and admiration for my nan's longsuffering. I hope he loved her as much as she loved him


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

larry.gray said:


> Oh and I left out the other side of the family....
> 
> My grandfather was an epic philanderer. There is a non-zero chance that some of you reading this are my unknowing half cousins.


depending on your age... and where... maybe we are related? 

:|


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Okay, my turn!

Mom - never married anyone. She wanted a sperm donor from my dad who was handsome and healthy. I have the same big frame-body. But my dad pretty much had sex with any female within range. I have half-sisters/brothers (4) and we assume there are others that are lost. My mom is "independent" - but I know she had an EA with a client of the company she worked for when I was a teenager. I didn't think much of such things back then. But looking back on it, I know what THEY were doing was wrong. They would talk on the phone or at work. He wouldn't leave his wife for my mother, I know that much. I know years later, that he would call her. That was 30 years ago, she thinks of him every now and then.

Dad - He was a player. Married a few times to my sib's mothers. So he CHEATED on their mothers. I didn't know that HE cheated until the past few months. I thought it was more of breakup, he's out and then he partied. He easily had sex with over 500 women in his life time. He died when he was 60 years old and had 4 girlfriends at that time. I *HATE* him more today that he cheated on my sister's mother than before.

I did not take after either parents, even thou I didn't know much and the family was never *complete* for it to be broken. When I was single / whatever - I was open-relationship. I had about 4 relationships that lasted 3~6 months and hundreds of NSA sex with women. Some were repeats, ONS, FWB, etc. I meet my wife and I changed. But never cheated on my wife.
All my siblings got CHEATED ON. I was the last of the 5 of us for this to happen to. WTF! 3 of them ended up divorced/broken up, little sister is trying to patch up what she has - but her POS-H likes to bang prostitutes and do drugs. 

Even thou, when I used to have lite/NSA relationships for years - I never cheated or lied about it nor had children with several women. I am NOT my father. I love my son and I do love my "wife".


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Yes-my Dad cheated on my Mom several times. My siblings and I did not find out until he was having an affair with his secretary and my Mom told us this had happened before. The secretary was the last one. We lost all respect for him and he knew he would lose us as a family as none of us wanted to even talk to him again if he kept talking to her. My Mom telling some family members and her children is what seemed to shut it all down. My parents had the great close model marriage; going to church every Sunday etc. Lots of crap obviously going on under the surface. What I realize now is my own marriage was a lot like this and except I chose to leave. Just sad all around. I will never look at my Dad the same again.

My Mom so wanted me to reconcile "like she did" but my Dad was willing to put in the hard work and my STBX was not. It was hard not being supported my her in the beginning for what was the right choice for me.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

My parents had a generally unhappy marriage. My father intentionally worked night shifts that kept him away from the house almost all the time, slept during the day. As a little kid, I remember my mother inviting some old male friend over one evening. After a while they sent me off to bed. On thinking back, I expect there was something going on. Considering how my father treated her, I don't hold it against her. (both parents are long dead).


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I've got a story for ya. I've never been able to tell this story until my Mom passed away. You'll understand why when you read it. My parents married young & had three kids. Me & my two brothers. My Dad was a good looking man & cheated every chance he got. My Mom was devastated every time she caught him. I watched her cry until she was limp meany times. When I was 5 years old I remember them getting into an argument. She had caught him again. She told him I can't live like this anymore. She took us kids & we went to her sisters house. During the night we got a call our house had burned to the ground. My Dad was in it. He was 27 years old.

Turns out she took out life insurance 2 weeks before & still had the policy in her purse. Me & my brothers always knew she did it, but never told anybody. After she passed in 2010 a family member came to my oldest brother & told him the story. She hired 3 men that beat him to death & set the house on fire. These three men are also dead now, so he thought it was time we learned the truth about what happened. 

My Mom became a mean alcoholic. I took care of her until the end. My H use to ask me how can you still be so loving & caring to her. I told him she's still my Mom & I can kind of understand why she did it. Knowing all this he still had the balls to cheat on me.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I've got a story for ya. I've never been able to tell this story until my Mom passed away. You'll understand why when you read it. My parents married young & had three kids. Me & my two brothers. My Dad was a good looking man & cheated every chance he got. My Mom was devastated every time she caught him. I watched her cry until she was limp meany times. When I was 5 years old I remember them getting into an argument. She had caught him again. She told him I can't live like this anymore. She took us kids & we went to her sisters house. During the night we got a call our house had burned to the ground. My Dad was in it.
> 
> Turns out she took out life insurance 2 weeks before & still had the policy in her purse. Me & my brothers always knew she did it, but never told anybody. After she passed in 2010 a family member came to my oldest brother & told him the story. She hired 3 men that beat him to death & set the house on fire. These three men are also dead now, so he thought it was time we learned the truth about what happened.
> 
> My Mom became a mean alcoholic. I took care of her until the end. My H use to ask me how can you still be so loving & caring to her. I told him she's still my Mom & I can kind of understand why she did it. Knowing all this he still had the balls to cheat on me.


Wow. So sorry...


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I'm an OC. My mother was married and living out west in California. Her H severely beat her and while he was in jail she called her father. Grandpa flew out, they packed her belongings, flew back home, and that was the last she saw of her H. They legally separated, but were never divorced.

My bio father was married with 4-5 kids. As far as I know, he stayed married to his wife.

My mother ended the affair sometime around my birth. My bio father visited me here and there for 4 years. When I was 4, my mom met my Dad, the man who raised me. After having a full time dad, I realized I didn't want a part time dad. I told my bio father I didn't want to see him anymore. I never saw him again. My mom kept in touch with him via mail and offered me his contact info every year or so until I was 20 and she passed away. I meant what I said when I was 4. I haven't seen or wanted to see him since.

When I was 17 I got a job, moved out, and got pregnant within a few months. I spent my 18th birthday 7 months pregnant. A few weeks after my birthday, I got home late and saw a message from my mother to call or come over. Since it wasn't too late, I lived close by, and she was disabled, I decided to just go over and see if she needed any help. I walked in the side door, which was a sliding glass door and very silent, to catch my Dad getting oral from a mutual friend.

Long story short, before I knew it I had the friend outside and up against a brick wall so I could commence pulverizing her when my dad pulled me off of her and reminded me to think of the baby I was carrying. My mom was asleep and at the other end of the house, so she missed the excitement. I told Dad that I'd keep my mouth shut, but if mom found out and was hurt by it I'd finish what I started.

I found out a few days later from my mom that she knew of the affair, was turning a blind eye and detaching, and that she didn't tell me because she was worried I'd be upset and the stress would hurt the baby.

He moved out of their bedroom and they lived like roommates for another 2 years until her death.

He's my dad and I will always love him for raising me and loving me when he didn't have to. It was hard, but I did forgive him. Mom made it very clear that she wanted that.

The friend was young, barely my age. She was foolish and she learned from her mistake. She felt and demonstrated remorse and she tried to make amends for years even when I was being a total c*nt. I ended up forgiving her, too, although it took me a few years. She married my dad's older brother 20 years ago. About 16 years ago, we started to become friends again and now we're actually very close.


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## texasmom13 (Feb 18, 2016)

I think no one should be trusted. Given the opportunity under the perfect circumstances, no one is to be trusted. They say lusting is cheating. If you lust after someone, you have already committed adultery. That's because adultery starts in the mind. First you have the thoughts, then you act on those thoughts.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I've got a story for ya. I've never been able to tell this story until my Mom passed away. You'll understand why when you read it. My parents married young & had three kids. Me & my two brothers. My Dad was a good looking man & cheated every chance he got. My Mom was devastated every time she caught him. I watched her cry until she was limp meany times. When I was 5 years old I remember them getting into an argument. She had caught him again. She told him I can't live like this anymore. She took us kids & we went to her sisters house. During the night we got a call our house had burned to the ground. My Dad was in it. He was 27 years old.
> 
> Turns out she took out life insurance 2 weeks before & still had the policy in her purse. Me & my brothers always knew she did it, but never told anybody. After she passed in 2010 a family member came to my oldest brother & told him the story. She hired 3 men that beat him to death & set the house on fire. These three men are also dead now, so he thought it was time we learned the truth about what happened.
> 
> My Mom became a mean alcoholic. I took care of her until the end. My H use to ask me how can you still be so loving & caring to her. I told him she's still my Mom & I can kind of understand why she did it. Knowing all this he still had the balls to cheat on me.


Damn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Damn.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 @GusPolinski That's what I thought after I went back & read it. I couldn't believe I posted it. I guess I was just having a bad day & when I saw this thread, I felt the need to tell somebody.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

My XH’s mother cheated when he was a young teenager. He knew about it because he heard the resulting arguments when his dad found out and had figured it out. They are still married to this day. I have always wondered if this experience influenced my XH’s decision to cheat and his insistence that it “wasn’t a bid deal”.

There was an oft repeated family joke among the adults as I grew up that I was the “milkman’s daughter”, that my mother “cried when I was born” and the wonderful utterance “Who are you? You are nothing like your mom/dad”. I didn’t understand any of it when I was growing up, except that it made me feel unwanted. Well that, and the way I was treated vs. my other siblings. They are all dead now, so I’ll never know. But then I think, wait a minute I am a red-head, my father was a red-head, my mother had no red-heads on her side, so what are the odds that she had an AP that was another red-head?

Of course, it doesn’t matter now.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

texasmom13 said:


> I think no one should be trusted. Given the opportunity under the perfect circumstances, no one is to be trusted. They say lusting is cheating. If you lust after someone, you have already committed adultery. That's because adultery starts in the mind.


I do not think you understand how the average virile male mind works.



texasmom13 said:


> First you have the thoughts, then you act on those thoughts.


I have cheated about 37,000 times less than I've had lustful thoughts.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Red Sonja said:


> My XH’s mother cheated when he was a young teenager. He knew about it because he heard the resulting arguments when his dad found out and had figured it out. They are still married to this day. I have always wondered if this experience influenced my XH’s decision to cheat and his insistence that it “wasn’t a bid deal”.
> 
> There was an oft repeated family joke among the adults as I grew up that I was the “milkman’s daughter”, that my mother “cried when I was born” and the wonderful utterance “Who are you? You are nothing like your mom/dad”. I didn’t understand any of it when I was growing up, except that it made me feel unwanted. Well that, and the way I was treated vs. my other siblings. They are all dead now, so I’ll never know. But then I think, wait a minute I am a red-head, my father was a red-head, my mother had no red-heads on her side, so what are the odds that she had an AP that was another red-head?
> 
> Of course, it doesn’t matter now.


RJ, my daughter is a red head. My husband is brunette I am blonde. My mother has red hair and my daughters is the same color as hers. my husband and I got so many questions when she was a baby ab our daughters hair color. I finally got fed up and when someone would ask where our daughter got her red hair, I just told them I guess it was the mailman. It really pissed me off for awhile.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

uhtred said:


> My parents had a generally unhappy marriage. My father intentionally worked night shifts that kept him away from the house almost all the time, slept during the day. As a little kid, I remember my mother inviting some old male friend over one evening. After a while they sent me off to bed. On thinking back, I expect there was something going on. Considering how my father treated her, I don't hold it against her. (both parents are long dead).


I wonder if he treated her that way because of some other indiscretion in her part....


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

karole said:


> RJ, my daughter is a red head. My husband is brunette I am blonde. My mother has red hair and my daughters is the same color as hers. my husband and I got so many questions when she was a baby ab our daughters hair color. I finally got fed up and when someone would ask where our daughter got her red hair, I just told them I guess it was the mailman. It really pissed me off for awhile.


My daughter is a redhead too. I'm brunette, my husband is blonde and we have no living relatives with red hair. We get questions, like "where did the red hair come from?" all the time.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I've posted this before and it doesn't even compare to the other stories posted. My dad isn't a womanizer and philanderer. The affair hasn't affected my relationship with my dad in the least. I know, I know, there's no excuses but there was a lot of turmoil the years leading up to his affair. 

My parents have been married for 53 years. My dad had an affair about halfway in. It was a LTA, 2-3 years. The OW worked in an office building across the street from my dad's business. He would go to the cafeteria in the office building for lunch. That's where they met. Eventually she would come and hang out at my dad's business so all his employees knew about the affair. She was a single mom (early 30's) with a son, (8ish). My dad was in his mid 40's. I think the OW saw a man with his own business and thought he was successful? My dad probably liked the attention. I don't know. We were your average middle class family. His business was blue collar. Their night to spend together was Wednesday nights. He lied to my mom (and me and my brother), that he was teaching a class at the local community college on those nights and that's way he came home late. I remember being so proud of him. I was 22-23 at the time. It came out later that any gift he bought my mom, he bought the OW. My mom has exquisite taste and she really loved this watch and asked for it for Christmas. He gave the same one to the OW. He also took the OW on vacation somewhere with our boat. 

I don't know what promises, if any, my dad made to the OW but at some point she got fed up waiting and decided to take things into her own hands. One morning she showed up on my parent's doorstep when my dad was already at work and she confronted my mom. Told my mom everything. She must've thought my mom would divorce my dad and then she could slip right into my mom's life. It was the wrong decision because my dad dropped the OW like a hot potato and crawled back to my mom. They went to extensive counseling, (I'm sure he did a lot of butt kissing) and they reconciled. My mom got rid of the watch she loved and made my dad sell the boat.

Shortly after d-day, the OW's mother called my dad telling him that the OW was distraught and suicidal and they had to commit her. Who knows if that was true or just a ploy to get him to contact the OW. If it was true, oh well, that's the price you pay for getting involved with a married man.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

My father in law also had an affair. For my husband, its kind of fuzzy, he was around 8 at the time. He remembers talk of the OW but not specifics and his dad moving out for a while with the OW. He also remembers he and his brothers in the car with their mom and she's driving around, either following someone or looking for his dad's car parked in front of the house. That's all. His dad did move back and I'm pretty sure the whole thing was rug swept. Like my parents, they've been married for 53 years but it's dysfunctional.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> I've posted this before and it doesn't even compare to the other stories posted. My dad isn't a womanizer and philanderer. The affair hasn't affected my relationship with my dad in the least. I know, I know, there's no excuses but there was a lot of turmoil the years leading up to his affair.
> 
> My parents have been married for 53 years. My dad had an affair about halfway in. It was a LTA, 2-3 years. The OW worked in an office building across the street from my dad's business. He would go to the cafeteria in the office building for lunch. That's where they met. Eventually she would come and hang out at my dad's business so all his employees knew about the affair. She was a single mom (early 30's) with a son, (8ish). My dad was in his mid 40's. I think the OW saw a man with his own business and thought he was successful? My dad probably liked the attention. I don't know. We were your average middle class family. His business was blue collar. Their night to spend together was Wednesday nights. He lied to my mom (and me and my brother), that he was teaching a class at the local community college on those nights and that's way he came home late. I remember being so proud of him. I was 22-23 at the time. It came out later that any gift he bought my mom, he bought the OW. My mom has exquisite taste and she really loved this watch and asked for it for Christmas. He gave the same one to the OW. He also took the OW on vacation somewhere with our boat.
> 
> ...


My mom did a couple of suicide attempts, she never did it to succeed but to get attention. They usually occurred whenever her affair partner would leave her or my father wasn't paying enough attention to her to win her back.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Could be, but I don't think so. I think he was trying to avoid his children. But when they got married, he was a professional gambler, from a family with a history of serious mental illness. She was generally very naive about life, raised by bizarrely controlling parents. They stayed married until they died, but it was never a good match. 



bandit.45 said:


> I wonder if he treated her that way because of some other indiscretion in her part....


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## vel (Aug 27, 2016)

Both my dad and my H's dad are huge womanizers. They are rich and successful so they have their pick of women. 20-year-old models fall over themselves lining up. These girls are sometimes younger than me, which is disturbing.

I know it's weird but I can't hate them, my dad is still my hero even though he's a failure as a husband. I really think it's because he got rich fast, and then suddenly had all these women interested in him, and the power went to his head. My mom always said she was much happier when we were poor and living in a tiny apartment

Well, anyway, I try to stay out of my parents' business. They're still married and at this point that's on my mom. She doesn't want to let the OW "win", which is just silly. I guess growing up with this, I see the world as really really grey. No black or white. People are all just doing their best with what they have. And people naturally think of their own interests first, no fault in that.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I hadn't reached high school before my mum was telling me of the business women she suspected my dad had slept with. Of the nights he hadn't come home, how she'd found a condom in his trousers, of the business trips and strip clubs. She told me she knew he'd been up to something when he bought her flowers. She'd say 'Well, you can shove those up your arse..' and put them in the trash. Meanwhile, I have no idea why she stayed. I used to get upset with her for staying and being dependent on him. Yet in her own way, she also deeply loved him. I'm doubtful my dad is aware she told me these things. It's not something I have raised. 

When I was about 18, he had a work-related party that I attended. They had split-up by then. A woman deemed 'important' to the business, who all the men became silly around partly because she was attractive, had had a few drinks and made a disrespectful and snarky comment about my mum that I guess she thought my dad would find funny, in front of a group of us. I glanced to him, he wasn't saying a thing. Which to me, made it obvious he spoke that way about her too, or at the very least, allowed it. I was pretty disgusted.

I stepped forward and told her how dare she speak that way about my mother and to have some class (or something to that effect). The look of shock on her face matched the shock of the men fawning around her. My dad and I exchanged looks, I shook my head and left. 

That was in the past. 

He has since remarried; they are a compatible match for each other and he seems happy.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I think my parents story is not at all normal.. Married too young.. Father likely blinded by lust feeling it was love...wasn't compatible.. my mother didn't like sex with my father.. she could have lived in a sexless marriage.. she would say she was naive, never loved my father.. 

Her best friend ALWAYS wanted my dad (they all grew up in high school together).. my Mom felt bad for my father even telling him to GO TO HER FRIEND.. there was no hiding this.. but yes, my father stepped out having sex with her friend.. who he married within a week after their divorce.. and have a great marriage, 39 yrs going strong - they are 2 peas in a pod ...

But I remember the fights between my Mom & dad... 

Then my mother, when single, gets involved with a bunch of pure a-holes who used her for sex.. can you even imagine what my father thought ! Who do I think got screwed the worst here.. Probably my father.. as he had right intentions.. but yeah.. he wanted to have sex with his wife.. (who would blame the man, he's never been abusive or anything like this)... he married the wrong woman.. (but yeah.. happy I was born anyway).. 

To this day.. my mother has always said my father was a GOOD MAN. 

But yeah... they were a train wreck.. best it ended.. all I learned from them was.. Make damn sure you are compatible in a # of ways before getting married.. and don't allow A-holes to use you for sex .. as this really screwed my mother up- after that..


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

@SimplyAmorous,

Has your mom remarried?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

becareful2 said:


> @SimplyAmorous,
> 
> Has your mom remarried?


 My mother married twice after that -one she got annulled within a week -I'm going to say due to her experiences with rotten men who used , even raped her.. her self esteem was laying on the ground at this point...after the divorce & before them.. we had a good Year...she had a nice paying job, I was living with her, we went to church, she was going to buy the little house we were renting off of an older Italian couple that seemed to love us....things were GOOD..

Then it all went to hell.. she had a nervous breakdown, then ran off with an alcoholic to another state ...she lived a very sad existence.. (she never even drank)...she would say it was adventurous & try to make some sense out of it.. some purpose.. I guess we all do this.. we have to!.... I visited her once for a month in my teens... it was a life I'd never want to see, that's for sure.. I learned pretty much everything NOT to do - just observing her life.. and yeah.. that's a pretty sad thing to say.... 

I've always felt I was more the parental figure somehow.. trying to bail her out of her messes.. or trying to talk common sense.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I've always felt I was more the parental figure somehow.. trying to bail her out of her messes.. or trying to talk common sense.


I'm really glad she has you, a loving and caring daughter.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

jld said:


> I'm really glad she has you, a loving and caring daughter.


Nice of you to say jld.. but honestly I SUCK at being her daughter.. I am not there for her.. I'm not that loving.. though I think I was for a long long time.. I wanted to FIX her.. to fix her life...till I realized too much involvement with her is going to destroy me & suck up too much from my family. She's invited some really shady characters into her circle at times.. people I wouldn't want on my door step, ya know...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Nice of you to say jld.. but honestly I SUCK at being her daughter.. I am not there for her.. I'm not that loving.. though I think I was for a long long time.. I wanted to FIX her.. to fix her life...till I realized *too much involvement with her is going to destroy me & suck up too much from my family*. She's invited some really shady characters into her circle at times.. people I wouldn't want on my door step, ya know...


I'm sure that hurts inside, brings its own inner conflict.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

SimplyAmorous said:


> My mother married twice after that -one she got annulled within a week -I'm going to say due to her experiences with rotten men who used , even raped her.. her self esteem was laying on the ground at this point...after the divorce & before them.. we had a good Year...she had a nice paying job, I was living with her, we went to church, she was going to buy the little house we were renting off of an older Italian couple that seemed to love us....things were GOOD..
> 
> Then it all went to hell.. she had a nervous breakdown, then ran off with an alcoholic to another state ...she lived a very sad existence.. (she never even drank)...she would say it was adventurous & try to make some sense out of it.. some purpose.. I guess we all do this.. we have to!.... I visited her once for a month in my teens... it was a life I'd never want to see, that's for sure.. I learned pretty much everything NOT to do - just observing her life.. and yeah.. that's a pretty sad thing to say....
> 
> I've always felt I was more the parental figure somehow.. trying to bail her out of her messes.. or trying to talk common sense.


That's sad to hear about your mother. Life lessons can sometimes be so painful.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

My simple observation is that the individuals posting here with the most horrific stories also tend to be individuals with extremely high TAM posting counts - in the thousands. That would seem to suggest at least some correlation between parents' activities in this regard and the kids' need to turn to forums like this to work through their life issues. Certainly, not scientific proof that parents' cheating produces that type of outcome. Even so, it would be quite difficult to make the case that duch behavior produces positive impact.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Well, Holy Crap!!! I didn't see this coming. 

Tonight my wife found out she has a half sister. Apparently her dad cheated on her mom years ago. Her mom died several years ago from cancer. You won't believe how this went down... 

Her aunt is big into genealogy and did a DNA sample with Ancestry.com. They link you with other close matches. Bam! Busted. 

It's interesting though, when my wife was a kid, she was home alone and got a call from a woman who thought she was the wife (my wife's mom, BS). She was told that her husband cheated on her and has a child. My wife didn't know what to do so she hung up. 

This has all come as quite a shock. Her dad said he didn't know about the child. Apparently she lives here in Texas and may want to connect. 

So, my dad and my wife's dad both cheated. I'm totally blown away!


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Hey TX-SC... recently found out my dad fathered an Affair baby. So somewhere out there, I have a lost little brother.

Its a bit freaky. Not surprised thou.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

My Mom told me her best friend was pregnant at the same time she was. I was born 3 months before her friend had her baby. They were still close & her friend came to see me several times. She didn't tell my Mom when she went to have her baby & when she found out she tried to find her. She was told by a mutual friend that the baby belonged to my Dad & it was a girl that would pass for my twin. Knowing she couldn't hide it after seeing her baby she just disappeared. My Mom looked for her for years with no luck. They didn't have the technology that we do today.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

That is hard-core shame there.


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## Lummox (Sep 20, 2016)

My father had multiple affairs, and ended up having a LTA with my wife's sister. This makes their children my siblings as well as my nephews and nieces, and my children have an aunt who is younger than some of them. It was a scandal when it originally happened in the 1980s, but in the current 'anything goes' era it is nothing particularly unusual. It reminds me of that famous poem by Philip Larkin entitled "This Be The Verse"; Google it, and it might give some of you a chuckle.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Lummox said:


> My father had multiple affairs, and ended up having a LTA with my wife's sister. This makes their children my siblings as well as my nephews and nieces, and my children have an aunt who is younger than some of them. It was a scandal when it originally happened in the 1980s, but in the current 'anything goes' era it is nothing particularly unusual. It reminds me of that famous poem by Philip Larkin entitled "This Be The Verse"; Google it, and it might give some of you a chuckle.


You should buy your dad a banjo and **** cap.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

As a FWS, (which are the most horrible words I have ever had to spit out of my mouth) I can say that with all honesty, I was finally able to forgive myself for betraying B1, (Not that forgiveness came easy, or without a tremendous amount of effort to work through all of the devastation) but I will never be able to forgive myself for betraying our children. I know myself very well, and I have never been able to wrap my brain around it. I know that I never will. I know that I did it, yet it is still beyond my comprehension. I hate it more than words can describe.


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)




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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

> " It was a scandal when it originally happened in the 1980s, but in the current 'anything goes' era it is nothing particularly unusual."


NO NO NO. Even today, that is STILL SCREWED UP!
@EI : My father died over 12 years ago. I never hated him, he was simply not much of a dad, period. 
After becoming a BS and learning more about DAD - I have *DO* hate him... he didn't care what woman he stuck his penis in. No morals.

I did/do not want my son to grow up to hate his mother - So we're trying and so far, making real progress... slowly. The hard part is over IMHO.... now its time, trust building and we still talk more. I, even warned her that our toddler will someday KNOW why we broke up. At that time, her thinking was "Why would he ever need to know?" Me: "Because someday, HE'S going to want to know WHY we broke up and I won't LIE TO HIM!".

When cheaters are in their fantasy, they only care about THEMSELVES.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

TaDor said:


> When cheaters are in their fantasy, they only care about THEMSELVES.


I know that that is a widely held belief among many BS's, as well as many others, who post on TAM, but it simply isn't true. I can't justify what I did, especially to my children, because there is no justification. But, it's not true that I only cared about myself, not even while I was in the fantasy/fog, or whatever term anyone chooses to call it. It's always bothered me that I never challenged that type of comment before. My children are, and were my heart, even then. During my A, I wasn't in love with my husband, anymore, as the breakdown of my marriage had come long before my A ever began. But the A did not diminish my love for my children, my extended family, my friends, not even my four legged fur babies. I was far, far from my best self, during that time, but I was still a human being. I still had feelings, emotions, and felt pain, just like every other human being.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

EI said:


> I know that that is a widely held belief among many BS's, as well as many others, who post on TAM, but it simply isn't true. I can't justify what I did, especially to my children, because there is no justification. But, it's not true that I only cared about myself, not even while I was in the fantasy/fog, or whatever term anyone chooses to call it. It's always bothered me that I never challenged that type of comment before. My children are, and were my heart, even then. During my A, I wasn't in love with my husband, anymore, as the breakdown of my marriage had come long before my A ever began. But the A did not diminish my love for my children, my extended family, my friends, not even my four legged fur babies. I was far, far from my best self, during that time, but I was still a human being. I still had feelings, emotions, and felt pain, just like every other human being.


So, in the logic of a cheater, rather than choose to work on your marriage, rekindle your love for your husband, or simply divorce, you chose to stab your husband in the back and deceive, lie, and manipulate? How again does that equate to loving your children? 

I don't doubt that a person who cheats can still feel love. But I do think that cheaters have generally a lack of empathy. They place their own needs above everyone else, including their children. If you truly were thinking of your children, your first thought would have been "How can I fix my marriage and give them a stable, loving home?" Not, "I don't love my husband so I'm going to screw someone else and we'll see where it goes." 

The lack of empathy and general narcissistic thinking is why we say that cheaters don't love their children like they should. By placing your needs first, you are effectively saying that your need for sex or emotional bonding is more important than the family you have created by getting married and having children. That family unit is a living and breathing entity. When you cheat, you basically kill that entity. 

Read the stories in this thread and see what I am saying. Cheating HARMS your children. It really does. They get a twisted sense of what marriage is and the role of monogamy. They are scarred. 

BTW, this post is not specifically aimed at you and your situation, but more at the concept of loving your children while killing the bond that created and nourished them.


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## stillthinking (Jun 1, 2016)

So Mom and Dad fought alot. My entire childhood we all walked on eggshells because we did not know what moms mood would be that day. She could be a pretty bitter person when she wanted to be.

Long story short. In the early 90's after my little sister left for college, my mom cuts off my dad sexually. Tells him she is no longer interested in sex or him. My dad was a push over so he just stewed about it. When I would go back to visit, after dinner he would just go back to a spare bedroom and watch TV until he fell asleep. He lost any ambition to do anything. She had succeded in breaking his spirit.

She dies suddenly of a heart attack in 2009. While cleaning out her stuff my dad finds a card written to my mom. Hallmark type of sedimental stuff on the inside and a guys handwriting, "I need you now!" Then the other letters, more evidence of a EA and PA spanning years. 

When he told me, everything about her behaviour snapped into focus. And it did for my dad also. 

Silver lining.....now he never sits and watches TV unless it is a football game. He sold the house, bought an RV, travels the country, has a girlfriend, and is happer than I have ever seen him. Better late then never.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

EI said:


> I know that that is a widely held belief among many BS's, as well as many others, who post on TAM, but it simply isn't true. I can't justify what I did, especially to my children, because there is no justification. *But, it's not true that I only cared about myself, not even while I was in the fantasy/fog, or whatever term anyone chooses to call it.* It's always bothered me that I never challenged that type of comment before. My children are, and were my heart, even then. *During my A, I wasn't in love with my husband, anymore, as the breakdown of my marriage had come long before my A ever began.* But the A did not diminish my love for my children, my extended family, my friends, not even my four legged fur babies. I was far, far from my best self, during that time, but I was still a human being. I still had feelings, emotions, and felt pain, just like every other human being.


First, my post wasn't directed at you specifically. And what I say in the rest of this response is from PERSONAL experience and what I see/ read happen to others.
Fog or Fantasy is based on context. "you cannot see you are in a fantasy because of the fog". I can kind of understand the A that happened when you marriage is already dead - as I don't know your story. Was BS abusive, etc? divorce, breakup first... then move on. Nobody should be abused in a marriage.

But when a wayward starts an affair that leads to a break up of the family (which is one of the main causes of divorce) - then I and others stand by the statement.
The cheaters (both of them - even if AP is single) did not give a sh*t about their kids or what their actions are doing. I got the same crap lines from my wife. "I deserve to be happy" "our son will be fine, he's only 2yrs old. co-parenting will normal for him".

Well, no. She was only thinking for herself. I would "get over it". She was quite wrong about the damage and devastation she caused. We're coming up to DD Year 1... and the effects on our household and our extended family is felt. Thousands of dollars wasted. Jail time (for her). My son, who is about to turn 3 - *IS* still traumatized when I threw his mother out. (He didn't so much witness violence, just the negativity and not seeing mommy much).

Some waywards have packed up and left town for the FREEDOM, leaving husband and kids.

Did my wife love our son? Yes. But not enough to put HIM above her or me. She put feelings over her our self. She wrecked herself quite a bit. She realized later that she *DID* only think about herself. She endangered our son so she could have "fun" playing a 20yr old motherless girl. It would be different if I was beating her up, emotional abuse, stealing money or other drama crap. Nope, didn't do anything like that.

I let her go and told her about the fog. It took 2 months after I threw her out to start seeing reality. She then did her own research... and dumped her boy toy. We both are making the effort for the long haul. Our relationship is in better shape today than it was a year ago. *I* still suffer from the effect. She still kicks herself for the pain. But we didn't have the tools to fix ourselves until we destroyed each other. We are no longer married. But we want each other. I still want my "wife", she still does it for me in and out of the bedroom. I've helped her with her drinking... she'd likely be dead by now. I *was* willing to try to rebuild the family for my SON, myself and for my wife.

But 5 months ago - we were not talking. And there was anger. Since we started R, we've both had medical emergencies and have been there for each other.
I don't know the future, but I hope we do fine and are together for many years until we die of natural causes.

Not saying you don't have feelings. But even a sociopathic serial killer has feelings of some sort. Like many waywards - my wife was quite ugly and zombie-like when she was in her fog. I told her this to her face back then.


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