# Still bothering me



## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Wife admitted to "friendship" with older man back in October. Said she was at the point of realization that she and I were not going to make it after 19 year relationship. Said "friend" was helping her through rough time of her realization as he had been through multiple divorces. We've had lots of issues both ways. I caught her through phone records. She gave the name of the person and indicated days and times. All corroborated with phone lookup etc. Everything was over 12 day period. Said went to his house three times. Says no sex just a friend that was available to her and that she had made huge mistake by going. Had tons of phone and texts during this time to him. Question: Since she had lied about where and who she was going with originally I am having hard time believing anything she says, especially about sex. However, she could have made up other lies in which I would never have known about this person. So is she being truthful now? I have seen this guy and he is 60 years old, overweight, and does not seem like a man she would be interested in. Both she and I are 45. I'm calling it emotional affair at minimum, but still question sexual aspect- lots of unaccounted for time. Since then says she loves me dearly but is very confused. Anyway input welcome.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

You are probably getting half truths...I'm not sure what to suggest, if she doensn't want to come clean, she won't - be persistent! 

Personally, I would never believe a meeting with no sexual contact - never.

Best of luck.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Cheating spouses never originally tell the whole truth. She is in damage control and telling you just enough to minimize her actions. If you believe this story then I have a bridge to sell you. Good luck.


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## Tigrlily (Dec 27, 2011)

My H was exchanging texts and emails with a coworker - some days the texts numbered over 700! They frequently met for lunches, coffees, etc. I've dug around their emotional affair from every angle possible, and while I've determined that they did share two goodbye kisses when he took her to the airport to leave the country for two weeks, that was it (this happened at her house, when he went to get her). There was no sex.

He swears there never would have been...that part of what enabled him to carry on the affair was his denial that it WAS an affair, because no sex was involved.

I think, had I not discovered the love letter she wrote to him while away, that, based on how things in their EA were progressing, there WOULD have been eventual sex.

Just tossing in my experience - lots of calls and texts doesn't necessarily mean they've had sex, but above all else I'd tell you to go with your gut feeling on this one.

Hugs to you - I'm so sorry this is happening.


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

Bodhitree said:


> Wife admitted to "friendship" with older man back in October. Said she was at the point of realization that she and I were not going to make it after 19 year relationship. Said "friend" was helping her through rough time of her realization as he had been through multiple divorces. We've had lots of issues both ways. I caught her through phone records. She gave the name of the person and indicated days and times. All corroborated with phone lookup etc. Everything was over 12 day period. Said went to his house three times. Says no sex just a friend that was available to her and that she had made huge mistake by going. Had tons of phone and texts during this time to him. Question: Since she had lied about where and who she was going with originally I am having hard time believing anything she says, especially about sex. However, she could have made up other lies in which I would never have known about this person. So is she being truthful now? I have seen this guy and he is 60 years old, overweight, and does not seem like a man she would be interested in. Both she and I are 45. I'm calling it emotional affair at minimum, but still question sexual aspect- lots of unaccounted for time. Since then says she loves me dearly but is very confused. Anyway input welcome.


My wife's PA was with an a ugly, bald, fat man that was twenty years older than her. My wife is a very attractive woman. He is 50, she is 30. This didn't matter at
all to her at the time because he was saying all the things she wanted to hear. She admitted now that long term it never would have worked out but when she was in the "fog" none of that mattered. This man seemed so not my wife's type that I ignored the threat. His name kept coming up but I never suspected it. Anyone can be an OM/OW if they are meeting some need your wife finds important that you are not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Get her to go for a polygraph? Even her willingness (or reluctance) to take it might give you some clues as to how much truth you're getting.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Thanks- my problem is that my gut wants to believe her, and some of my family members just don't see her as going for the PA, but man I just don't know. I have probed a number of times, but no new information. Just says he tried to kiss her at one point and that she freaked out and left. Problem with people that lie, never know what to believe.


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Its going on three months though- we are in counseling- how many times do I need to ask before the "truth" comes out. Sorry but I am frustrated.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Bodhitree said:


> Its going on three months though- we are in counseling- how many times do I need to ask before the "truth" comes out. Sorry but I am frustrated.


It may never come out unless you find proof otherwise. We'll lie till our graves unless you find proof that it happened, well that's true with most cheaters.

Some of overcome with grief and will spill the beans by themselves, others you have to pull out a picture or video for proof before they even admit to it.

As to going 3 times to his house and nothing happening.....

Could be true but it's just too fishy, if it smells rotten, it usually is.


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

I would tend to think she is being honest about the sex. From the stories on here and from my own experiance WS tend to tell part of the truth not completely deny everything. If they had sex and she was "trickle trifling " she would probably say they just made out or kissed. If she says nothing physical at all happened then I would think at
minimum they kissed. I think she is telling you the truth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

dingerdad said:


> I would tend to think she is being honest about the sex. From the stories on here and from my own experiance WS tend to tell part of the truth not completely deny everything. If they had sex and she was "trickle trifling " she would probably say they just made out or kissed. If she says nothing physical at all happened then I would think at
> minimum they kissed. I think she is telling you the truth.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks Dinger- I feel foolish for even considering she may not be lying. But then I look at the facts- it lasted only 12 days and she apparently ended all contact. Of course if they were only "friends" why the need to stop all contact? That being said, it was almost like she did everything she could for me to catch her- it was so obvious that something was going on. The lies were easy to uncover really even for me who typically trusted her. Also, the first late night, I paid attention to her smells, etc, same as with the second night- nothing of another mans cologne etc. Third night I was not aware it was a complete secret so who knows. Anyway who really knows?


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Tigerlily- this is exactly my take on her. I KNOW it was an EA at least. I think there is a possibility she may have kept herself "dumb" about what was happening but was falling fast. More background- she said she was going to spend night with friends during the time. She was gone for a few hours and did not return my calls or texts. I was furious. Finally she called me and said she was on her way home. I told her to stay the F#$K with her friends that I didn't want her to come home anyway. She was really with this "friend" which I didn't know. If she had wanted to spend the night with him she had every opportunity. She texted me not long after that she was coming home - she did so. So I don't know- she made it SO OBVIOUS that things were awry that I almost wonder if she WANTED me to catch her. Probably being naive though. Again, only lasted 12 days that I can tell over two weekends. BUT I do believe it was headed for much more if it didn't reach that point.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Bodhitree said:


> I have seen this guy and he is 60 years old, overweight, and does not seem like a man she would be interested in. Both she and I are 45.


Age does not matter. Check out the thread started by Hoosier titled “Never thought I would be posting here” http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/28389-never-thought-i-would-posting-here.html

Hoosier’s wife had an affair, upon discovery walked out of a 30 year marriage without even trying to reconcile, immediately moved in with the OM and filed for divorce which is now final. The OM is 13 years older than her at 64.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

I my case I need to know right away if sex was involved I have a transplanted kidney and on immunosupesant drugs. So I need to be tested right way for STD. If I got aids from them I could die and they would be charged with murder. Think about that stand point.


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## akira1 (Dec 13, 2011)

Ever consider a nuclear exposure to smother any chance of the affair going underground?


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Bodhitree, short of having her take a lie detector test your going to have to consider she is telling truth....if her story is consistant I would lean on believing her. If her stories change and/or your getting trickle-truth I would maintain your suspicisions.

Consider if she is telling you the truth and you maintain your current rigor of questioning you are going to harm your marriage.

You have some decisions and choices to make, your current circuling is going to cause some harm.

=Accept she is telling the truth
=Insist on a polograph
=Accept her "truth", forgive, start trusting but verify. 
=Divorce her
=Interigate the OM and compair stories and act accordinaly


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Whether she had sex or not---whether it was 12 days or longer
None of that really matters---what matters is ----

She went to be with him, she dissed you, her mge, and any family that is involved

For that period of time she CHOSE HIM OVER YOU
You don't need anything more in re:evidence

What you need to do, is to find out the deep down core WHY----and to decide what you want FOR YOUR FUTURE!!!!!


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

calif_hope said:


> Bodhitree, short of having her take a lie detector test your going to have to consider she is telling truth....if her story is consistant I would lean on believing her. If her stories change and/or your getting trickle-truth I would maintain your suspicisions.
> 
> Consider if she is telling you the truth and you maintain your current rigor of questioning you are going to harm your marriage.
> 
> ...


Hey Cali Hope - thank you for that. It helps to get reasonable responses. I think sometimes there is so much hurt from people involved in these situations that they assume things they may not fully know. Either way a bad situation because of her leaving the relationship even if it was for only 12 days. I have trouble trusting people to begin with, so this whole mess just jumbles me up inside. Is there more? Is she covering up?? We are making progress in counseling but it is volatile at times. She is lost in her life she says. Thanks again.


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