# how to address that you desire more?



## Mel1995 (Apr 1, 2013)

Hello I am new here and this is my first thread. I am glad I found this site cause I don't have friends to discuss topics like this. So some background I have been married for 20 years and have a teenaged son. We are in our mid 30's. Both in good physical shape.

So I have been through the ups and downs in a relationship as it is to be expected. I love my wife and we have always had a great relationship is all aspects including sex. What worries me is that sexually things have started to become more routine. What worries me more is that certain sex acts have become less frequent and sometimes eliminated. 

First thing that started happening is that she would stop me from giving her oral sex, even though she enjoys it. I mean I used to bend her over and just devour her and make her orgasm. I love love to please her. Now 9/10 times she stops me and being rejected has caused me to stop trying. She has also put an end to doing it doggy style (when she knows that is my favorite). 69 position is a thing of the past. Now the latest is that I don't get oral sex from her anymore, if I am lucky it will happen once a month if that. I think at least 2 months have past since the last time she went down on me. She doesn't dress up for me anymore. She used to do this pretty often and it would usually go hand in hand with great fun sex.

I have hinted that I miss her getting all dressed up, but nothing happens. I don't feel comfortable asking for things when it comes to sex cause then it does not feel natural. I want my old sex life back but do not know how to address it. I feel uncomfortable talking to her about this. Anyhow I would love to hear your opinions or advise on this specially from a woman's point of view.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Mel1995-
Everything you write shows the hallmarks of a woman desiring less intimacy with you. I am not using the word intimacy in the American sense! I am meaning that she wants to be less close. This is almost certainly due to resentment.

Find out what you are doing or not doing to cause resentment and you will have at least a place to begin.

Usually resentment is a slow-burn thing that accumulates over many years. One clue is to look for a re-occurring complaint she has always had, that she probably feels you have always brushed aside. The clues are there!

Lastly, it could be that the resentment is not caused by you. But this is unlikely.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

So what else has been going on in your life that could be getting your wife depressed, upset or to feel neglected? Anything you can think of on your end causing this? Or...has your wife changed jobs? Has she met up with new people and is suddenly going out with friends more frequently? Has she changed her passwords for her phone, e-mail, facebook, etc? How old are you? Is she at an age where menopause can be starting up?


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

What did she say/do when she stopped you giving her oral sex? Any explanation?

My husband is/was an awfully boring lover. I could tell precisely what he was going to do at any particular time. He was always very dutiful about trying to bring me to orgasm so we'd go through the rigmarole of some rather sloppy kissing, followed by a breast grab, followed by oral sex (the greatest variety in our sex life was, I think, who was going to do who first unless it was a very rare 69) and then penetration.

I did try to spice things up in the early years but in the end it all became too much trouble.

Is it possible that you have fallen into a routine as much as she has? I was never impolite enough to tell him to stop giving me oral, or sex, but it really did eventually become a chore. If he had only once just taken me by surprise, grabbed me and talked dirty we may have done a lot better over the years.


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## Mel1995 (Apr 1, 2013)

we are both 34 years old. I think there are a couple of things that add to the situation that I did not mention. Ill put it in time frames. As the erotic sex starting going away

I once asked her up why don't we 69 anymore, and stuff like that and her answer was that at some point/age certain positions should not be done anymore. I told her that was ridiculous. So I guess it might be a self conscious thing. I would assume this is why she decided no more doggy style. note she has an amazing body and nothing is wrong other than she is not in tip-top shape in her mind. 

About her receiving oral, she doesn't tell me she doesn't want it, rather she will pull me up and just want to have sex instead. Which is fine but I honestly love to do it all. I guess I have also gotten tired of trying because it does feel like I am getting rejected. I mean If I stopped her from giving me oral she would most definitely feel turned down. I am the type of person that is passionate about sex and if she is not into it than I rather not bother. 

Now to me not getting oral.. This is what happened.
A couple of months ago she found a receipt that I went to a strip club Upon getting caught I shortly confessed to her that I had been using a certain substance every once and a while.Not addiction but rather dabbing in it. So I did hurt her and lost alot of her trust. I have also hurt her in the past with
my party mentality. 

I not touched it since then, which was about 6 months ago. She internalizes it and says how can I do this to her. I have tried to explain that I don't try to deliberately hurt her and that I had problems that I needed to fix. This is where it gets complicated, because in reality the reason I was partying and going to places like that is because of boredom and not getting what I need/want at home. I would not tell her that because she would say that I am turning it on her. 

There are many things I would want to tell her but would not because I don't feel like its the right way to do. What I wish desire is for her to be more sexual to want me and make me feel like a man. I am always complimenting her, kissing her on her neck, telling her how beautiful and sexy she is. I get tired of being rejected or only having sex when she wants it. Its a strange situation that I dont know how to fix. I suppose I can only keep trying and let time take its course.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Downward spiral..typical.

Sexless here you come.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Mel, it's a hard balancing act. My wife only wants sex when she wants it too... if we have it too often she complains she feels like a piece of meat, even though I make sure I never treat her this way.

I am always attentive to her needs and never just ensure 'I get mine'... it doesn't seem to change the way she is wired in her brain though.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

she lost respect for you. and women have a hard time banging someone who she don't respect.

gain her respect back (if you can) and the sex will come back.....maybe.


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## Mel1995 (Apr 1, 2013)

touche trying2figureitout. but that is what I actually see, like its slowly starting to happen. I am watching it unfold right before me. The sexy outfits are gone, no more fun positions, not even doggy style! No oral sex for her, no oral sex for me. 

When all I really want is her to push me against a wall unzip my pants and make me feel like a man. I want her to bend over the bed and say take me. The routine is just so boring but I have come to the point that I just get what I can and shut up. I have accepted that what I want doesn't matter and like a dog waiting for his owner to take him for a walk is exciting as it gets.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"I have tried to explain that I don't try to deliberately hurt her and that I had problems that I needed to fix. This is where it gets complicated, because in reality the reason I was partying and going to places like that is because of boredom and not getting what I need/want at home. *I would not tell her that because she would say that I am turning it on her*."

Because you are.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Mel1995 said:


> we are both 34 years old. I think there are a couple of things that add to the situation that I did not mention. Ill put it in time frames. As the erotic sex starting going away
> 
> I once asked her up why don't we 69 anymore, and stuff like that and her answer was that at some point/age certain positions should not be done anymore. I told her that was ridiculous. So I guess it might be a self conscious thing. I would assume this is why she decided no more doggy style. note she has an amazing body and nothing is wrong other than she is not in tip-top shape in her mind.
> 
> ...


Things are becoming clearer. How long ago did you get busted for going to the strip club? If it's relatively recently, then she may not be fully over it yet. Also, have you been going out a lot with friends lately? Has the time the two of you spent together taped off or is suddenly less? 

Have you talked to her clearly about the things you would like to do in the bedroom? When you try to give her oral, do you go straight for it right away or do you get her in the mood more with sensually touching her, kissing her all over, etc?? Most women don't automatically become porn stars nor like to have porn star sex. Strip clubs are still not realistic portrayals either.


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## Mel1995 (Apr 1, 2013)

I don't think she has lost respect for me, but it definitely did not help the situation. I guess my question for the women on here is how do you think I can convey my feelings without an awkward conversation about it. Should I just go for it even though I will probably get rejected. Should I tell her how I feel?

I know its more complicated cause life also gets in the way, work, raising a kid, etc. Another thing which I think might be problem is that we work together and maybe we are around each other too much. I dont know I just want spontaneous fun sex not this routine
I hear the door lock so I know its time to have sex. Its all really frustrating.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Mel1995 said:


> I don't think she has lost respect for me, but it definitely did not help the situation. I guess my question for the women on here is how do you think I can convey my feelings without an awkward conversation about it. Should I just go for it even though I will probably get rejected. Should I tell her how I feel?
> 
> I know its more complicated cause life also gets in the way, work, raising a kid, etc. Another thing which I think might be problem is that we work together and maybe we are around each other too much. I dont know I just want spontaneous fun sex not this routine
> *I hear the door lock so I know its time to have sex. Its all really frustrating.*


Dude... I'm sorry to see you in such pain...


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Mel this is fixable but you have to change the way you are thinking about it. 

You are pointing the finger at her when you should be looking at your self. Think about this. It is good you question this now because it is relatively new. 

But if you continue to think that it is about sex, its your wife's fault, she is responsible for keeping you out of strip clubs and drugging by sexually entertaining you and finally, she is responsibility for making you feel like a man. 

You give you wife so much responsibility. But what about you, do you see any role for yourself in the state of things. Not in reaction to your wife's behavior but your behavior and the things she might have asked you to change but you not willing. She was still meeting your sexual needs while you were partying? She asked you to stop but you didn't and she met your sexual needs even though you could not empathize with her. 

It is not all your fault or her's. The problem is not sex it's the relationship. get that fixed and the intimacy will come back. Don't ask your wife about why she won't 69 any more. Tell her you realize that you both may have gotten off track in your marriage and you love her and want a better marriage. Ask her to work with you to get there. Forget about yourself and you will get what you need.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Stop dabbling in whatever "substance" your wife doesn't like and stop going to strip clubs and then blaming her for both of these behaviors. Get a grip on yourself and know yourself.

Then when you are successful at kicking the habit of doing things you know your wife doesn't like and blaming her for them, maybe you can address her directly in a respectful manner and discuss your sexual relationship.

Do you get what I'm saying?


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## Mel1995 (Apr 1, 2013)

the strip club thing was about 6 months ago. I think she has forgiven me but I think subconsciously it affects her attitude towards sex.
I don't go out with any friends at all. 
We spend plenty of time together, work, home, go out together.etc.
maybe a nice weekend away will do good though.

I have not talked to her clearly about things I would like because I think she knows me well enough. She knows what I like. I would feel odd talking to her about it. I have told her I miss seeing her in outfits and such. Ive hinted without beings so direct.
I never just go down on her like that, I am always kissing her all over and sensually touching her. I just want what I once had.
Is this just a sign of getting older?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"I would feel odd talking to her about it."

Welcome to the adult world of marriage, where we have to actually communicate about touchy subjects in order to work through them.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You have to communicate verbally and explicitly. Something is going on with her and the only way you are going to find out is to talk about it. Draw her out. Don't start with the sex problem. You asked for insight from a woman and here you have it. If you don't talk about the relationship aspects the sex will not get better. 

The strip club and drugging is bigger than you seem to think. It is very likely that she forgave you but does not trust you. You will have to earn her trust and it may take time, longer than 6 month. You have to handle this head on. Discuss with her your plans to be more responsible for yourself and to act responsibly and maturely. Then act on them. 

A man with a plan is sexually attractive. A man who can't handle himself by following a code of ethics and exerting control over his behavior is like a little boy who has to be watched by Mommie.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mel1995 (Apr 1, 2013)

thanks for your thoughts. I especially like what you said Catherine


Tell her you realize that you both may have gotten off track in your marriage and you love her and want a better marriage. Ask her to work with you to get there. Forget about yourself and you will get what you need.

@faithful as far as the "substance" I never blamed her for my behaviors. I felt bored and was looking for some type of excitement. I still feel like that but instead of drinking or partaking in other party favors I go surfing to ease my mind.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"This is where it gets complicated, because in reality the reason I was partying and going to places like that is because of boredom and not getting what I need/want at home." = Blaming her.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> "I would feel odd talking to her about it."
> 
> Welcome to the adult world of marriage, where we have to actually communicate about touchy subjects in order to work through them.


This. You have been married 20 years, you said? Sure, things have changed a lot since you guys were 14, but after 20 years, you should be able to ciommunicate those needs to each other, very well. Just tell her, stop hinting. Tell her you have noticed these things have changed and you want to know why. Don't be argumentative about it because that will put her on the defensive. You aren't those kids anymore. You are adults. Don't just say "I miss the sexy outfits"... try something more like "What happened to the [insert favorite outfit here]? That was H.O.T!! Why'd you stop wearing it?" Not "hey I kinda sorta....." but actually discuss the positions you want to do again and find out why they completely stopped. Just talk to the woman... and listen to what she says. You can't just beat around the bush if you want to get this resolved.


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## Mel1995 (Apr 1, 2013)

Catherine thanks for your insight, I think you are right on point.


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## Mel1995 (Apr 1, 2013)

@faithfulwife you seem to be on the defensive side. I never blamed her for anything I was just saying how I felt at the time.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

I agree with Catherine your wife is showing the signs of a betrayed spouse....she does' t trust and I susoect she has lost some of her respect for you. The strip club and drugging is bigger than you seem to think....especially if you hid it from her. Many women feel the lies and deciet are worse than the act. *

A man with a plan is sexually attractive - YES!!! 

A man who can't handle himself by following a code of ethics and exerting control over his behavior is like a little boy who has to be watched by Mommie... YES..ie loss of respect!!!

We all screw up...its not about falling down, its about how quickly we get up and make it right. I would focus on being transparent and being the best hubby you can be (communicate...be affectionate...be attenative...compliment her) and discuss how sorry you are and that you wanrt to earn her trust and respect back..then my guess is the bedroom stuff will fix themselves as you make progress.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You are welcome Mel. Don't lose the momentum when she seems resistant or just angry. 

She may have stored resentment towards you. when you are ready to hear her, she may express a lot of anger. It is going to be difficult to hear without trying to defend yourself. But hear her out.

You don't have to be a doormat and allow yourself to be beat up and disrespected. Create an environment that you can hear what she says and determine if she is being reasonable.

Let her know the areas you feel she is right. Come up with ways to address the issues. Then its your turn to talk and make requests. What ever you do, dont blame her.

What do you think about getting the help of a good MC to help work things out? 

You sound like a man who needs physical activity and new challenges to keep life exciting. If so, what are you doing about it.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Mel1995-
I gave you a tip that would have quadrupled your sex-life, but you did not bite. You have sensitivity, but it is of the "wrong" type. It is turned inwards.


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## jims1020 (Apr 6, 2013)

2 words Mel...

TALK TO HER!

Be a man, tell her what you want, in no uncertain terms. I bet she will be stunned that you brought it up. Show her you are a MAN.


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## Mel1995 (Apr 1, 2013)

@ MT whats the tip? 

@jim I am definitely working towards talking to her, it just has to be at the right time. I don't want to come off as being selfish specially cause of my past. What I fee is that she is just going through the motions, that I miss the foreplay the different positions,I like raunchier sex, I want her to really want me to really want to please me. I want her to want me to please her..etc. I just dont know how to bring all that up without sounding like I want and me me me. 


Last night was pretty bad she pretty much almost turned me completely off by talking about random ****, like we had gone to a event and she was like can you imagine all those couples have sex with each other. It was mostly older people or overweight couples. I was like really now as I am laying here with a hard on and your going to start talking about that? 
Then she got into a rant because she smelled alcohol on my breath. She started asking me do you ever ask yourself why you drink? I had 4 beers and the party and one shot of rum! I forced myself to block all the nonsense out. Then we had the typical missionary sex. She has gotten so lazy that she doesnt even get on top. 
As typical as it is, I still enjoy it. I get happy that I am getting something as bad as that sounds.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

Mel1995 said:


> *Then she got into a rant because she smelled alcohol on my breath. She started asking me do you ever ask yourself why you drink? I had 4 beers and the party and one shot of rum! I forced myself to block all the nonsense out. *Then we had the typical missionary sex. She has gotten so lazy that she doesnt even get on top.


You dabbled in some substance and went to a strip club 6 months ago.
She's bringing up how much you are drinking.

LOTS of resentment going on with her. She's got all kinds of stuff she's still not over. I'd quit minimizing what happened and seriously get to talking about her concerns. No woman will get into sex enthusiastically if she has resentment. She may have forgiven you, but not forgotten, and likely still worries...hence the comment about the drinking. Follow Catherine's advice, get sex off the table and really start talking to her. Don't dismiss her concerns.


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## Mel1995 (Apr 1, 2013)

yeah your probably right daffodilly its the only thing that makes any logical sense. Whats strange is that I wrote this and today she tells me that we are going to have sex everyday. I told her that it was a great idea and that Im all for it. lets see if it manifests.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

*Re: Re: how to address that you desire more?*



Mel1995 said:


> we are both 34 years old. I think there are a couple of things that add to the situation that I did not mention. Ill put it in time frames. As the erotic sex starting going away
> 
> I once asked her up why don't we 69 anymore, and stuff like that and her answer was that at some point/age certain positions should not be done anymore. I told her that was ridiculous. So I guess it might be a self conscious thing. I would assume this is why she decided no more doggy style. note she has an amazing body and nothing is wrong other than she is not in tip-top shape in her mind.
> 
> ...


Did she stop these sexual activities all after she busted you with the strip club visit, or did that already start earlier? 
I can imagine she feels less actractive after you showed interest in those perfect looking strippers. My boyfriend went to strip clubs before knowing me. And the knowledge he has seen those perfect bodies, makes me very self aware and less free with sex. I mean, come on, normal women can't compete with their bodies.
The loss of trust could also make her not able to let go totally in your sex life.
Many reasons to talk with her.


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## Mel1995 (Apr 1, 2013)

It has slowly gotten watered down so to speak. I think life, work and her not feeling as sexy as before has played into it. She has nothing to worry about as far as her body is concerned she has a perfect body imo. I think the break of trust did affect me getting my normal bj for sure. I did notice that was timed with it. Ahhh im being punished for my behavior no BJ for me 

I have been wanting to rent at a nice hotel to see if a day or two alone will bring out some naughty fun sex.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Mel1995 said:


> It has slowly gotten watered down so to speak. I think life, work and her not feeling as sexy as before has played into it. She has nothing to worry about as far as her body is concerned she has a perfect body imo. I think the break of trust did affect me getting my normal bj for sure. I did notice that was timed with it. *Ahhh im being punished for my behavior no BJ for me*
> 
> I have been wanting to rent at a nice hotel to see if a day or two alone will bring out some naughty fun sex.


I don't think that's the case here. She simply doesn't desire you, like she did before. I doubt it's intentional. Sorry, it's harsh but it's the truth and can be fixed. You're going to have to learn how to communicate with her. If you don't, nothing with get better between you guys.

You broke her trust and need to earn it back. Open, honest communication is needed, even if it hurts.

You need to stop doing the things that are hurting her. Obviously, drinking is one of them. You mentioned her reaction, when she smelled it on your breath. She doesn't like it! 

She will associate you drinking with the day she found out you were at a strip club. i highly doubt she likes the drugs either.

Ask her what she needs from you to make things better. Earn back her respect and trust!

Start there and report back as to what she says.

I've been in your shoes and our marriage is better now than it's ever been. It was lot of hard work for both of us. Me, earning her trust back. Her, opening back up to me and letting me in.

Believe me, no matter how hard you think this is, it will be 10 times harder for her...


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Mel1995 said:


> @ MT whats the tip?


It was my in first post in this thread, immediately after your first post in this thread. The entire analysis of your problem is in there. I tried to keep it simple 

If you resonate with it, ask questions and I will go into more detail. But the way things are going, you are lucky to even get missionary!


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

Mel1995 said:


> Last night was pretty bad she pretty much almost turned me completely off by talking about random ****, like we had gone to a event and she was like can you imagine all those couples have sex with each other. It was mostly older people or overweight couples. I was like really now as I am laying here with a hard on and your going to start talking about that?


This post seems to say a lot about your attitude towards your wife. There's a reason she was talking about random things. I can only speculate, but my guess is that since you had a hard on it was a diversion to avoid having sex with you. Your response to her was that since you were horny, she was supposed to shut up and put out. 



> I had 4 beers and the party and one shot of rum! I forced myself to block all the nonsense out.


Four beers and a shot is not what I consider having a social drink. You are showing signs of a husband who isn't in control of himself, and she doesn't like it.



> Then we had the typical missionary sex. She has gotten so lazy that she doesnt even get on top. As typical as it is, I still enjoy it. I get happy that I am getting something as bad as that sounds.


Your wife isn't lazy. She doesn't want to have sex with the man that you are proving yourself to be. I hate to say it, but it sounds like she's putting in just enough effort to get the "job" over with so you can't complain that you're not getting any sex at all. I wouldn't be happy with that at all, and I certainly wouldn't be happy with myself that all I can inspire in my wife is duty sex.

If you're looking for a wake up call, this is about as big as they get. This the proverbial two by four upside the head. It's time to stop acting like a teenager. Start paying attention to your wife. Start making a real effort to show her that you are in control of yourself, in control of your life, and most importantly committed to her and your marriage. Talk to your wife. Ask her about her day. Show some interest in her beyond just an expectation of duty sex, and my guess is that she'll turn around and be the sex kitten you remember.

But first you have to inspire her inner sex kitten. It's going to be a long haul, so get started and don't be surprised if she doesn't believe you for quite a while. If you want to be married to her, then act like you want to be married to her.

Best of luck to you both


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Mel1995 said:


> It has slowly gotten watered down so to speak. I think life, work and her not feeling as sexy as before has played into it. She has nothing to worry about as far as her body is concerned she has a perfect body imo. I think the break of trust did affect me getting my normal bj for sure. I did notice that was timed with it. Ahhh im being punished for my behavior no BJ for me
> 
> I have been wanting to rent at a nice hotel to see if a day or two alone will bring out some naughty fun sex.


You do sound selfish and focused on your sexual satifaction. She may think the same. You also seem to be minimizing the pain you caused her and you want her to get over it on your shecdule so you can have the kind of sex you want. 

You had high quality sex and it was not enough for you. You did not value it. You wanted what you were getting at home with your wife and a extra fun at her expense. Can you see that? 

That is why it is crucial for you to change the way you are thinking and acting or you will not get back to normal for a long time. 

You seem to not see that you messed up and you are suffering the consequences. If there were no consequences you would not hesitate to do it again. She may think that by your attitude that you will do it again or some other self centered transgression. 

Convince her that you will never hurt her again and that you regret your selfishness. Let her know that you are willing to wait until she is comfortable to get back to normal. 

Let her know that you realize you were a fool for throwing away what you had with her for cheap thrills.


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## Mel1995 (Apr 1, 2013)

thanks for all the opinions/thoughts. I really enjoy this forum as it seems people really need an outlet like this including me. 

I agree that I am being selfish and I actually acknowledge it and deal with it in healthy ways. Like yesterday after work I packed up my board and went surfing. I have a desire for keeping life exciting and spontaneous. I know myself and I get dangerous when I get bored. 

I think things are slowly changing for the better. Last night she told me that she wants to have sex more regularly, we instantly got turned on with each other and I took it upon myself to get it how I wanted it. I turned her around and gave her oral for a while and then really gave it to her good.  
today I am a happy man!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Mel1995 said:


> Last night she told me that she wants to have sex more regularly, we instantly got turned on with each other and I took it upon myself to get it how I wanted it. I turned her around and gave her oral for a while and then really gave it to her good.
> today I am a happy man!


She was probably ovulating


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