# Going back and forth about divorce, need some advice please



## SteelyPhil (Jun 9, 2016)

My wife and I have been married for 5 years and currently have no kids. We got married after dating for about a year and when I look back now we got married while still in the infatuation phase. Even on the day of our wedding I was kinda wondering what I was doing as I didn't have this "she is the love my life and I'm crazy about her" feeling. I'm an only child, the last to carry on my family name, and have always felt some pressure from my family to get married and start a family.

Well, past forward 5 years later and we argue nearly every day, sometimes its vicious with name calling, swearing, put downs, etc. Eventually we make up, say we are sorry, it's fine for a day or two but then it repeats. There's been so many vicious things said to me that I look at my wife with disgust at times and wonder "as my wife how can you say such mean things to me"? Then there's still times where I feel happy with her, although still uneasy due to the frequency of our arguing. 

Just the other day my wife and I asked each other if we felt like we are each others soul mate and both of us said "I don't know". That seemed rather alarming to me. My wife has told me she wants the man she dated and is not married to and I'll say the same thing about her.

I also wonder what we have in common. I have several hobbies that I'm very passionate about, including several sports. My wife enjoys watching TV and the things she was once into years ago (before we even dated) she doesn't do any longer or have a desire to start doing them with me. The two things we do on a regular basis together are watch TV and eat...I've asked her why she doesn't get back into a hobby and it turns into an arguments with her saying because she's unhappy with us she can't get into anything. Also, we have both packed on the pounds after getting married. I've tried several work out routines, and diets and have noticed that my wife will only make an attempt to lose weight if I'm the one to start. Never once have I heard her say "we need to get healthier, let's start exercising".

As far as the kids discussion goes I've been yelled at multiple times for just saying I want kids but feel nervous about how our lives will change. She told me flat out its selfish to not want to have kids. Its to the point where I fear saying anything about being nervous to have kids as I know I'll just get yelled at.

Even though I've been considering divorce I still wonder if there's something I can do to improve myself that will make us happy. On the other side of the coin I just want to be done with this marriage, travel the world, meet new people, enjoy being single for a while and then find the real love of my life. Right now I just have this feeling about myself of "your done, this is it, you missed your opportunity"...it's a very depressing feeling to have.

Honestly, I feel closer right now to my friends then my own wife and have better and more deeper conversations with them...My wife and I also have a dog and I feel like I would miss the dog more (she would take the dog) then losing her...

What should I do?

Thank you


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

The conversation regarding kids sounds manipulative.

What do you actually want to do?

No kids, short marriage...you could pull the plug pretty easily.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Tackle one problem at a time.

So why can't you lose weight? There are some good threads here at about weight training and high protein, low carb eating. (Forget the word "diet" and forget cardio.) IMO one of your problems is the "two things we do on a regular basis together are watch TV and eat." You eat to be close to your wife. BTDT. Eat better and less but still share time with your wife. If you lose weight you will feel better about yourself and your wife might follow you. Does it really matter if "Never once have I heard her say "we need to get healthier, let's start exercising"? Really? Who cares about that? You said yourself "my wife will only make an attempt to lose weight if I'm the one to start." It does not matter who initiates it. Start now. Join an gym. Go for a 2-3 weeks, then ask her to come a few times as a "guest" to try it out. Don't pressure her to join you. When she sees the change in you, she hopefully will follow. Just don't pig out at the restuarant after you go to the gym. 

If you get separated, the first thing we will tellyou to do, after after lawyer, will be to exercise. Do it now married instead of separated.

IMO people argue/fight because they want to and they think they can get away with it. Do you argue with your boss? Argue with a cop during a traffic stop? Argue with your pastor/priest/rabbi? I think not. I have 24 years of aruging and it took me until now to realize that. Stop arguing.

I have posted this many times. It was recommended to me here at this site. Read "5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. You need to learn what type of love your wife needs. You can also go to the website (google 5 love languages). Go to the website and take the quiz, you and wife. Better yet, there is a free app from the app store (apple and android). Install the app. Seems like your wife values "Quality Time". I took me 24 years to learn that about my wife. Try this. It's free. Good Luck.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Couple questions... What do you guys fight about? How old are you guys? Have you asked her what she thinks the problems are in the marriage? Make sure that you talk to her and let her know how you feel (not everything), just that you know this marriage can be improved and your not happy with it how it is. It sounds like both of you are in a slump and are too lazy or unmotivated to get out. I suggest you work on yourself, exercise lose weight, get healthy, get excited about life again.


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## yellerstang03 (Nov 18, 2015)

SteelyPhil said:


> My wife and I have been married for 5 years and currently have no kids. We got married after dating for about a year and when I look back now we got married while still in the infatuation phase. Even on the day of our wedding I was kinda wondering what I was doing as I didn't have this "she is the love my life and I'm crazy about her" feeling. I'm an only child, the last to carry on my family name, and have always felt some pressure from my family to get married and start a family.
> 
> Well, past forward 5 years later and we argue nearly every day, sometimes its vicious with name calling, swearing, put downs, etc. Eventually we make up, say we are sorry, it's fine for a day or two but then it repeats. There's been so many vicious things said to me that I look at my wife with disgust at times and wonder "as my wife how can you say such mean things to me"? Then there's still times where I feel happy with her, although still uneasy due to the frequency of our arguing.
> 
> ...


IMHO, you both need extensive individual counseling. Sounds like you both have extensive wounds from your childhood long before you met each other. In your conflicts, both of you are saying things to each other that is "hooking" these childhood wounds and you are both acting/reacting out of those hurts. You probably don't even know you are doing it, but mature adults don't resolve conflicts with name calling and putdowns. That is 6 year-old behavior and a sigh that something is wrong.

You are the husband. Take the lead, admit there is something wrong with how you are behaving, and get into some sort of therapy that explores your childhood and the events that wounded you. You have no control over how you spouse behaves, but you do have control over how you behave. If you can change how you react to your wife by staying calm and not losing your cool, you will change the dynamic in a positive way and your wife will notice this. But you have to find out why the things she is saying are getting you so worked up. 

Find out what relationship skills you were not taught by learning what skills a healthy looking relationship has. I bet you will be blown away by what you were not taught and some of the negative skills you were taught.

If you divorce without looking at yourself, you will just carry the same problems into your next relationship.


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## Camper292000 (Nov 7, 2015)

Take the lead in this. 

Step back. Be 'ok' and work on being the best You that you can be. Let her see it. 

Read up on Red pill blue pill. Might help or hurt. Wish I read it long ago.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
If someone wants to do something badly enough they will find a way, if they do not they will find an excuse. If you, in your heart, are truly done as you stated in your OP, then all of your efforts will prove unsuccessful. So you must determine if you are truly done.


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

SteelyPhil said:


> My wife and I have been married for 5 years and currently have no kids. We got married after dating for about a year and when I look back now we got married while still in the infatuation phase. Even on the day of our wedding I was kinda wondering what I was doing as I didn't have this "she is the love my life and I'm crazy about her" feeling. I'm an only child, the last to carry on my family name, and have always felt some pressure from my family to get married and start a family.
> 
> Well, past forward 5 years later and we argue nearly every day, sometimes its vicious with name calling, swearing, put downs, etc. Eventually we make up, say we are sorry, it's fine for a day or two but then it repeats. There's been so many vicious things said to me that I look at my wife with disgust at times and wonder "as my wife how can you say such mean things to me"? Then there's still times where I feel happy with her, although still uneasy due to the frequency of our arguing.
> 
> ...


If the religious aspect is not a big issue to you then just leave. There is no reason for you to stay in this relationship. Kids will only make it 10 times worse. Having kids with this woman will be the biggest mistake you can make. You can leave her and never look back. Just move out man and file for divorce.


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