# married an honorable man.. divorcing a coward



## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

As my divorce comes to an end, I have been very nostalgic and been thinking about our beginning.

I met a man who was very kind, friendly and good hearted. Conservative and traditional with very similar values as mine. He had tons of friends and was very close to his siblings. When we started dating we would go to sporting events, concerts, have bbqs at his house, dinner parties at my condo and I was instantly welcomed into his circle of friends and family. We were raised in same religion and had the same belief system of marriage and family. 

After our wedding in 1996, we were thrilled to welcome nieces and nephews into the family while trying to start our own family. After 3 miscarriages and many tears we were blessed with the birth of our daughter. 

Years of happiness followed with a man who loved his family. I miss that man that I truly loved and planned a life with.

Fast forward to today, that same man is no longer ... that man was replaced with a selfish liar, cheater, disrespectful, coward. A neglectful father, an absent son and sibling who would rather spend his last $10 on a cigar and a horserace bet than school supplies or a dinner with child. 

Friends and business partners still come up and tell me they are baffled with his personality change and complete new lifestyle. 

I was in it till death do us part but i now have to ask myself... death of what? Death of a person, death of respect, death of values, death of honesty. If that is the case, I stayed till the death.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Horrible


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

Death of the marital contract. I would guess that he breached the contract, didn't hold up his responsibilities and obligations of the marriage. Lying and cheating - same story as so many of us here. And people wonder why the divorce rate is so high.

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. It is heartbreaking when they go from loving spouse to mortal enemy - at least that is how they make you feel with the way they treat you. Bet you got no explanation and no remorse.

I guess this will be one of the mysteries of life that we will never understand. All we can do is pick ourselves up and move on. The good news is there is a bright, happy future out there for us if we want it.

Good luck.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

You were never given any explanation? That is horrible. I would rather get a BS explanation than none at all. Without any communication you can never start burrowing to the root of the problem. That's not to say that the problem is solvable, but at least knowing what he is thinking makes a difference. 

You did ask why? And attempt MC?


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

I'm so sorry to hear that. I am at the beginning steps of a divorce, so I understand your confusion. It baffles me how men can change like that....well I guess women can as well. Stay strong and think that you are better off...there is another man out there for you and you have your miracle daughter by your side.


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

Thanks for all your advice. I am moving forward and getting stronger every day. 

I never got a true explanation or any remorse. I got a few "Of course I am sorry" lines but almost more irritated then heartfelt. 

Things turned sour in 2009 - When the economy hit bottom and his dad died the same year, I think he just went into a selfish/depressed phase and did whatever made him feel good without any remorse or consequences. He did not care about his General Contracting business, the bills, any future money in the bank, any family events and just lived for him. He was going out more but I thought he was just avoiding the bills, me and any responsibilities. I NEVER suspected an affair until I got the call from the first mistress (girl I called every week to run our company payroll). NICE! 

She told me about the YEAR long affair and that he was not a nice guy but she was in love with him and was told I was gone from his life. I said, "I was not gone but will be by morning". We tried marriage counseling but it never really stuck. Trust was broken. Tried trips and date night and acting like a nice family again but with cracks in the foundation. 2nd affair (barmaid in town -convicted felon with 4 DUIs on record in Florida) started and by then knew the signs and kicked him out. 

I was blamed for everything in his life and was told he could NEVER forgive me for asking him to shut down his General Contracting company during the slow time and find a job in lowes or home depot until economy picked up. he told me he lost all respect for me when I asked him that. (Meanwhile, I worked every day of marriage, was the main bread winner, cashed out 401Ks to float business, updated his resume and tried to lift his spirits). 

That was it - the only explanation I got for 17 years of marriage. 

Today, the man still has his company, broke and broken, sold everything, onto another sugar mama and checked out of everyones life including my precious daughter. 

Sad.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

We can't waste energy trying to understand them. Glad that you're moving on, build a new life with your daughter. I wish you the best.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Your story....heartbreaking.... your husband had a tremendous fall, Mid life crisis , almost sounds, starting with the death of his Father ....he couldn't handle it, tried to numb it....likely he IS going to wake up from this destructive phase he is in and realize what he has lost...holding his head in shame and regret. 

The "Honorable man" part caught my eye, why I clicked on this thread... What causes someone to change THIS drastically...from one extreme to the other...how can any of us know who to trust with our hearts....Life, love , marriage...what do we learn... it's still all a gamble at the end of the day.... 

Sorry for your loss...you sound a very strong woman...your daughter will always look up to her Mother.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

_The "Honorable man" part caught my eye, why I clicked on this thread... What causes someone to change THIS drastically...from one extreme to the other...how can any of us know who to trust with our hearts....Life, love , marriage...what do we learn... it's still all a gamble at the end of the day.... _

It's scary. When I look at my XW now, I have lost all the respect I had for her. She turned her back on her faith, extended family, our daughter and me. I used to have tremendous respect for her, that's one of the most important qualities we look for in a marriage partner.

It's at the point where a few days ago she told me she was done dealing with her child, I could have her. I know it will blow over, but to see how far she's fallen.

Thinking about re-marriage is terrifying at the moment, all the examples WS changing...


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> The "Honorable man" part caught my eye, why I clicked on this thread... What causes someone to change THIS drastically...from one extreme to the other...how can any of us know who to trust with our hearts....Life, love , marriage...what do we learn... it's still all a gamble at the end of the day....


That's the part that struck me as well. For there to be such a drastic reversal you would think that either there were some life shattering events (Let's face it, we all lose our parents. If it is shattering, there's something wrong) or this was always a facet of his personality that he managed to keep in check or at least hide well. 

Sorry you're going through this.


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

Thanks for all the encouragement. It has been the hardest two years of my life. I am moving forward and finally have control over my emotions. It took me a long time to learn that the man I married is no longer. 

Now I work off a list. Pack up items in house, Go to lawyer, Call credit card. It helps to stick to a plan or tasks. 

I have started re-arranging furniture and bought a few new pictures for house and started referring to it as MY house. Baby steps... 

My self esteem took such a dip that it took a long time for me to feel good again. I am a very strong lady (thank God) but sometimes I worry that am too strong. I don't want people to think I do not need because I am a very strong woman.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

maincourse99 said:


> _The "Honorable man" part caught my eye, why I clicked on this thread... What causes someone to change THIS drastically...from one extreme to the other...how can any of us know who to trust with our hearts....Life, love , marriage...what do we learn... it's still all a gamble at the end of the day.... _


When I read this, I thought maybe something had happened to his brain in 2009 - as there are certain neurological conditions causing sudden behavioral change. But of course my perception is biased as I am a medical student who just recently was spending time in a neurology clinic. If his behavior was really that suddenly changed, it might be worth for him to be checked out by a doctor for medical causes.


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## BRB (Mar 16, 2011)

Wow...did we marry the same man??? I feel what you're going through because I'm going through the exact same thing. Married 16 years, no kids. 

My husband is mid-40s and suffers from depression and is a heavy drinker. I also believe my husband is suffering from some other type of mental illness. Honestly, I've been doing a lot of reading on sociopaths and he fits the bill. 

He openly continues to see his girlfriend, meanwhile still living in our house.. We're living separately in the same house. Did I mention he also just lost his job?
Anyway, you're not alone.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

What's up with these men that have the nerve to start up relationships with other women while the wife is still living in the home? I think it's just wrong. My husband was/is doing the same thing. It hurts. I've had offers to go out on dates but I think it's completely inappropriate and I actually have lost respect for the men that have asked me out on a date knowing that I'm not even divorced yet. Although there is no hope for reconciliation, I'm still honoring my vows because I meant what I said.

STAY STRONG!


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

Ex had a MAJOR meltdown last night.... He got letter from my lawyer with date for HIM to meet judge for a sanction hearing on child support. His self-employment and lack of him filing financial documents has forced the court to deem a median income and meet with judge to enforce some financials be filed.

I receive a text from ex saying, "Put down the ****tails and call me the f**k back". WTF?? 
He calls me 3x on my cell. Meanwhile, I am driving my child and friends home from a school event and do not answer phone in my purse. 

After dropping off friends, I am heading home with child when SHE gets a nasty text from ex. She says, "Dad wants me to call him". She then has issue dialing out. Cell Phone not dialing out. She texts ex and tells him she cannot dial out and phone is messed up. 

Ex has a complete rage and texts that "Mommy" must have blocked my calls and starts demanding child to call. I am still driving; child is telling me "dad is losing it" and starts to get pissed.
Finally call goes through and my child starts talking to ex and keeps saying – “No she didn’t”. No you are wrong. No dad”!! Then she starts to tear up and keeps saying “NO”.

Finally, I pull into my driveway and ask child for her phone. She was hesitant but gives it to me. I tell her to go in house. I ask, “what is wrong”. He sounds upset and crying. He says, “I know you did something to child phone and she never wants to talk to me. I called you 3 x and you are too busy drinking to answer phone. “I feel like I am losing it and you are behind it all”. 

I am SO MAD, I take a deep breath and say, “Are you drink”? Ex responds “NO” I say, “ I just drove up to house, you upset you child with your delusional behavior, I have no idea what was wrong with her phone but I clearly did not block your calls and I am offended by your accusations. You need to hang up and call back in five minutes when child has her phone back and completely apologize for your nastiness and beg her to forgive you” and I hung up.
He does call child to apologize and I do not hear another word about it. Meanwhile I sit in the couch for another two hours steaming and pissed about ex and his cruel behavior. 

Worldwind chaosis!!


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

You have witnessed his descent into mental illness.

I witnessed it too. The first 5 years my (now) exH was normal, loving, well adjusted, happy, ambitious and optimistic. Fast forward another 9 yrs. Not the same man.

I too was blamed for every single thing wrong in his life. 

I have my own theory about people to who destroy their relationships. Mental Illness.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

God damn. You handled that well. Stay strong. I think he is finally realizing he is losing CONTROL. I agree with the above poster as well. I believe my STBXH suffers from mental illness. He's even admitted in the past he believed he had some type of disorder and for the last 3 years I have encouraged him to get a check up. He refused. I believe a lot of what has lead up to him choosing to divorce me is centered around mental illness. What can you do when you are married to someone that refuses to acknowledge a big part of the problem in the marriage may be a mental disorder? I feel completely helpless. As the wife, I feel like I need to step up and do something about it but on the other hand I have been treated like sh#t. He goes into denial about being normal. 

We are here for you. Keep venting if you need to!


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

ICLH - I totally agree with your asssessment. Ex is hitting the end of his rope. He has NO control over the ending of our marriage and has boxed himself into a corner. 

A small part of me actually feels sorry for him. He has created this hell and will not take any accountability for the breakdown. Marriage and emotional

Brokenbythis - I agree with you about the Mental Illness I think he is depressed and MC said the same thing a year ago. He will NEVER admit that or get any kind of treatment.


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

Another text brawl with STBXH last night - 

I left my phone at my office and was using my daughters phone to call my sister to meet for dinner. A text came in while I was on phone from my ex. He texted - Hi hon, I am working in Orlando and staying at a 5 star resort. here is a picture - DONT TELL MOMMY!! 

Picture of STBXH and his mistress. WTF??? 

Of course, I say nothing hand the phone back to my child and meet sis for dinner. I am steaming.... 

This man went to Washington DC for Christmas, Orlando with new sugar mama who is paying his way and I have not received a child support payment since Nov 10th. 

I know I should have just let it go but I was fuming 
Texted him when I got home asking for $$. He says he is flat broke. Calls my lawyer a ********* and tells me he hoped she would die from painful cancer. He said he never would cheat my daughter out of a dime and said he knew my scheme. 

I texted back - I waived alimony after 17.5 years of marrriage, that he made more than I did in 2012 and I believe 2013 (on paper, since he never saves a dime and is always broke) and that the only thing I was asking for was child support deemed acceptable by the court. 

I then texted that I knew about his Orlando trip and that I would appreciate him not putting my child in a position where she is hiding things from me or lies. I told him we had enough lies and cover ups in this house with all his woman and did not want my daughter keeping up traditions.

He texted back saying that he did not bring $20 with him and did not spend a dime. That he had no money to live by and that he lives a very simple life. This sugar mama must be very desperate to bring a married man who she needs to pay all his expenses. 

I told him that if he is going to go all over with this new sugar mama and brag to his kid, he can take the time to fill out his financials and file them with the court and not to delay the divorce any longer.

Of course he goes dark.


I am so frustrated. I should just walk away and not reply to these texts but I have so much resentment for him now, I need to get it out.

I will learn to turn it off. Hopefully soon.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I loathe men who sponge off women, how can they feel manly about that? Ick. My ex did that to me, I was the worker, the 'cash cow'. I've been looking for lawyers and a friend gave me the name of one. I spoke to this lawyer, a nice man, and he said he could not represent me because me ex had been to see him 4 years ago. He said that he found him 'unnerving' because he was sizing up how much he would stand to lose financially if he divorced me for his OW. Users, that's what they are. 
The way your ex treats your child is appalling, just appalling. I hope you don't try to make him visit her, he's a bad influence and will mix her head up. Live for yourself and your daughter.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

FrustratedFL said:


> I am so frustrated. I should just walk away and not reply to these texts but I have so much resentment for him now, I need to get it out.
> 
> I will learn to turn it off. Hopefully soon.


I struggles like this too. But like me you know the answer. Time to let go. It's over. You cannot expect to ever get treated properly by this person again. Remember how you got here? 

Stop reacting and feeling the way you do. You just set yourself up for more rejection. He's done with you. Accept and move on.


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

Picture less - I agree with you. I was doing very well for such a long time now and have accepted the divorce. The last two months I have been struggling since he has been communicating with me about divorce and it brings up so many wounds. I need to just stick to the facts. Yes / no answers. It is so hard not to defend myself when he says things that are so incorrect. But, you are right. Accept and move on.

Indie My husband is a cross between a narcosisst and a sociopath. He treats my child as a buddy (when he feels like getting in touch with her) luckily, I have filed for sole custody. I don't trust his decision making and the women he associates with are less then desirable citizens. Felons, dui records, lack of Morales. 

I am hoping when the divorce becomes final I will be able to start living again for me. For the last two years I have been on auto pilot just getting through the days. I am past the emotional sobbing and up all night stressing ( thank god) but still have flare up anger and emotions when I hear about his life. 

Thanks for your support.


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

Ugh.. I feel like I could have written parts of your posts.. My husband was the same.. Started out a great guy.. 

About 4-5 years ago, he started to become more and more selfish and self centered.. 

He's also addicted to pain pills and an alcoholic.. highly functional, although how long that continues given the vicodin addiction, will remain to be seen.. 

But, same thing.. skanks and trash women, abandoned his kids.. sees them maybe once a month.. 

I don't get it either.. I really don't.. I did have him hospitalized once when he was abusing valium and alcohol.. I hope that one day, if he hits rock bottom, he'll remember that I tried to help him, but I doubt it. It will still be my fault.. 

Everything is my fault.. 

I'm sorry.. I don't know why they do this..


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

browneyes -I am sorry to hear about your situation also. While reading your posts and background, I found myself shaking me head, "yep". "yep". 

I have told ex - if he was unhappy, he should have 
1. told ME.
2. sought help, if nothing helped - move out.
3. work on himself for a while 
4. talk to me and tell me you want to end the marriage (like an adult)
5. sit down together and talk to our DD
6. file for divorce and show up for mediation
7. work together as co-parents.
8. start to build your life and begin dating without involving child until he/she adjusts to new life.

I never got any of these. Affairs, skanks, not showing up for legal stuff, dissing his child, living like a teenager , and the worst - turning completely evil, making up lies about me and turning venomous. 

I scratch my head and say WTF??? 

I thank God I am able to support my child and continue to pay ALL the bills otherwise I would be on welfare. I hope my daughter grows up strong, loving men but not losing her identity. Taking my pain as am example that you can survive the worst and still move on.


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