# Why be so mean



## elmo (Jun 21, 2010)

My wife is divorcing me and crushing my world around me. Apparently she wants her freedom and has met someone through facebook and moved him up here and the chump is staying in my home with my kids. My world is shattered. It is a shame that you treat someone so good and loving and then they do you this way. She claims she is "unhappy" and has been so for a while, but the length of time keeps changing. First it was since her hysterectomy surgery a year ago, now she has stated it has been for two years, and then stated it had been for three years.
Why is it that women leave good men who are loving and devoted to their family?
Why is it that they become so uncaring, deceitful, manipulative, and lie to their family and friends?
Why is it that they treat the person they made marriage vows to as if they were a stranger?
Why is it that they take advantage and want everything?
Look, I am giving her the divorce, apparently that is what she wants and wants nothing to do with her own husband. As far as she is concerned, I'm dead and never exhisted to her. She has humiliated me and told me so many mean things and was very blameful. The divorce is not final yet, but so far she is taking the house, my child, getting child support, the furnishings and everything I have work to build for us. We have been married for 6 years and I never saw this coming. She was always a "good girl." Why is it the guilty party wins and the innocent pays the price with losing everything?


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## misspuppy (Sep 19, 2010)

i feel for you, divorce is a nasty thing sometimes, and it does hurt, especially when you took those vows, now she seems to be a hateful disrespectful person, def not the person you married. sometimes women go thru alot of things, just like men do. We do have mid life crisis, we do go thru the "change" and we do tend to hurt the ones we love so much. I am not sure why she is doing what she is doing, they say a women falls for the "rebel" man, the one that is tough and mean looking? im not sure why. but i do know that when women do this, they tend to start to feel bad, because eventually the "bad boy" wears off, and that same "bad boy"look starts to become a softy. and so it leads to a cycle... maybe she will turn around, maybe she needs a break, maybe she needs to find herself. Whatever you do, try not to make things worse, just let her do her thing, and maybe, just maybe she will come around.

I have seen it before, and at least 70% of the time, the women mellows out a little, and returns to what she knows best.

i am sorry you are going thru this, and it does hurt, but, some how it does work out.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Elmo I have a husband that is basically acting like your wife is. We have now been officially divorced about a week.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

elmo,

People have to justify to themselves everything they do, even when they are doing something wrong. Before soldiers are able to go into combat and kill human beings, they have to teach themselves to see the enemy as subhuman. Jesse James robbed trains and banks and told himself he was doing it "for Dixie", even though he was spending the proceeds on himself as any other thief would. Leaving one's spouse for another is a terrible thing to do. One can't do that without making themselves believe they are justified or "right". That means that she had to find fault with you. That's why she's treating you badly. That also explains why the timing of her unhappiness and probably the causes of her unhappiness change. 
As a cop, I see this all the time. Perfectly rational, reasonable, law-abiding, decent people live together for years but when one chooses to leave, both start lobbing ridiculous allegations against each other. He'll say she's a lunatic and a b&^tch, unfit to be a mother and ought be in an asylum. She'll portray him as a homicidal maniac who shouldn't be allowed unsupervised visitation with the same kids she's left him alone with for years. Most times, the real truth is they are both decent human beings. Some people can't do something as awful as destroying a marriage or family without convincing themselves that their former partner is evil. I'm not a shrink, but I guess it's just that we must use these mental contortions to do awful things yet remain sane. If Nazis hadn't convinced themselves that Jews were subhuman, they could never have murdered millions of innocent, unarmed civilians without going crazy. 
When she no longer needs to view you as evil or bad, she will be able to see you as you really are again. Many spouses who leave for a fling end up trying to return to their former spouse. 
You can't define "winning" and "losing" in terms of money or stuff. Lots of very miserable people have vast wealth. You earned it once and you can earn it again. You probably didn't really need most of it anyway. Peace, freedom, love, comfort, and contentment are all precious gifts and suprisingly cheap. You are going through an awful time right now. Your world has been turned upside down. All the future plans you had have been erased and you're left with a blank slate. You can write anything on that slate, now. You have been concentrating on someone else for years. Now, you get the chance to concentrate on you. As bad as this hurts today, you might find a year or two from now that it was a huge blessing.


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

I can relate Elmo, but I would kick his sorry ass out of the house, hers also for that matter. No way should your children be exposed to this and you shouldn't allow it. I guess I'm old school but there is a line that can not be crossed and this is one of them in my book. 

I'd fight her tooth and nail for custody of the children. Now is not the time to roll over my friend. As hurt as you are you must get legal help and fight back. I still hurt from my divorce and the horrible things my Ex did, but I took the advice here and got a lawyer to help me fight back and I am glad I didn't give in to her demands. Two or three years down the road you will be happy you stood up to her.


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## elmo (Jun 21, 2010)

Notaclue- I do have an attorney and he is now working on my behalf to get me out with as much as he can. I am trying to fight back through the legal system. She had left, took my child without asking and went to her parents. We had our temporary hearing and I was the one responsible for agreeing to temporarily give her the house since it is next door to her parents. I did this because she claimed she was uncertain and wanted councelling during the hearing. She was deceitful and gave me hope and I allowed it to happen. One week after, and her "friend" from facebook who knew her family was back in town and moved back here and apparetnly is staying with her according to my 4 year old son, who tells all. Now this "friend" supposedly knew her and her family from 13 years ago. Seemingly, they have all turned on me and took this chump firefighter in like a long lost son. She has played on my emotions and sympathy to a T. What hurts the most is that she has everything at the moment, plus I'm paying for half and temporary child support. She has the home, furnishings, everything and I am left with nothing and lonely. This sucks. I cry every day because I am so close to my son, yet dont have him but on weekends. I am missing my childs life.


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

I'm sorry Elmo, all I can tell you is to get it out of your system and cry, scream , yell whatever you need to do. Then get serious and no longer give in to her demands and lies. Then I'd talk to my lawyer about trying to get custody especially if she is living with the guy and your children. I'd see if your lawyer can argue the endangerment angle or any other thing you can get to stick. Bottom line is that you need to look out for yourself. The sooner you realize it the better. 

I was very sad for a long time and to be truthful it really clouded my thinking. I finally woke up and realized that I needed to take a stand. Your wife is playing for keeps and will use your weakness to her advantage. 

BTW, your child will someday know who is the good parent, who is right and true and you won't even have to tell him. He will figure it out on his own.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

That sucks elmo..I have been where you are at and going through it as you write about it. I have been keeping a log of everything..she has filed for divorce and put down the custody times for our daughters..I have them more than half the time especially when she goes traveling with her 'he's only a friend I new when I was younger'..it's amazing how different a person becomes once we go through that sewer pipe of shock and all that goes with it...I could not imagine my stbx having another man move in especially with the kids around while still being legally married..so good luck and best wishes and take no prisoners!!


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

elmo - if you have time read my story. It is scary how similar it is to yours. My stb-xw also moved the OM into our home only she did so after filing a TRO against me which was unfounded and thrown out without prejudice. All I can say is a agree with NotAClue 100%. Do NOT give up!!!!!

Fight for your son. Fight for your rights. Always take the high road. Karma will come around. I started with "every other weekend" and was out of my house 10 months ago. Now I have our 4 kids "every other WEEK" so it's 50/50 shared custody and I'm back in MY house. 

Do NOT second guess yourself. Your "wife" has made her choice so now she will have to live with her choice. Be strong and keep yourself healthy. Your son needs you.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

it is interesting reading these posts on the behaviour of our WS or ex spouse in my case. Some of them are overtly mean some do it in a more manipulative way sort of behind the scene to achieve what they think they want. My ex H tries all the time to change the visitation schedule and of course is to accommodate his own schedule. We live in two different countries and even though we made a detailed plan he still tries to pull some stunts in the visitation. I just have to stay more firm on my schedule and not let him get away with it. Otherwise he is not direclty mean(like to scream or yell or anything like that). He was more like that at the beginning when I disclosed his affair. They all have that split personality.


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Elmo I would reccomend that you really do read Help's story. As I recall he was thrown out of his own house as his wife had manipulated the legal system. He has been thru hell with what his STB -Ex has done with the OM and he had to fight the courts to straighten things out. But he was strong and perservered for his children's sake !! I know you can also, but you can't do it by feeling sorry for yourself.


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## elmo (Jun 21, 2010)

Help239- I have read your story and there are many similarities to mine although I never told a lie during our marriage. 3 times during the marriage she would say she was unhappy and the only reason given was that I would tell my step-daughter to do things like clean room. She referred to it as being fussy and mean to her when I was just being a parent. If you ask me, the child is spoiled, has been handed everything and does not realize the value of good morals. She won't even lift a finger to get herself a drink, she expects it to be brought to her. Please give me some insight to your story. Where are you at with the divorce? Has she reconciled or made any attempt? How many months has this went on? I suspect another man is involved either emotionally or physically. In my case there was and after our second hearing she was blatent at parading the chump around. If you ask me. Any man that would come between a marriage and family and not back the hell away is no kind of man and will eventually do the same to my wife. Legally we are still married, the divorce is not final. However, she has made it blunt that I am dead in her life to the point of throwing my stuff out (What stuff she did not want to keep; she kept all of the items of any value to include all of the furniture I had prior to marriage) This isn't over and my eyes are now opened to the wickedness she is imposing upon me. I am doing this fairly and going through the legal system to try and get the upper hand before it is over. At our last hearing, I was surprised to get more time allocated with my child and have the child support cut in half. This probably ticked her off that the lawmaster (who is a woman) changed the rulling. However, I am forced to live with my parents for now anyway.


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## elmo (Jun 21, 2010)

At this point 5 months into the divorce proceedings, it has sunk in and the reality has hit. I have finally ceased all communications with her and am trying to move on but it hurts like a mother to give so much and be abused the way I am being abused. I made her practically. She had nothing when we met for her and her daughter. She had no credit, no car, no home. I built it all for her, loved her daughter as my own, tried to be a father to her daughter, was a great dad to both my son and step-daughter, bought her anything she wanted, showed romance, love and affection to her. This is the appreciation I get for loving unconditionally.


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Yep Elmo thats how it works sometimes you do everything for them and they turn on you. No one knows why, but the spouse you married turns into another person someone that you no longer know. My Ex is now retired on the settlement she got out of me, nevermind the fact that she ran up credit cards to the max for years and that she never saved a penny of her own. So she is retired living with another man with my money and I'm left to take care of my daughter and work until I'm 100 years old. I'm through being bitter about it and will move on. I truly believe in Karma.


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## elmo (Jun 21, 2010)

Update. I spoke with my attorney today and next Wednesday we are to have a division of Assets meeting. Finally something! I have gave my attorney all of my documents and requests and I plan to go into that meeting and stick to my guns and be all business. I hope I get what is rightfully mine and I hope I come out of this thing smelling like a rose. Maybe then and only then will she see she made a wrong decision. I don't think I could ever go back or feel I could ever trust her. Wish me luck!


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## Ireadelmo (Oct 6, 2015)

So, here it is 5 years later. I have read every word of this post. I bet you can guess why- Yep, another poor guy whose wife turned on him after 35 loyal years.
I have learned a lot by this post, however the solution after all the pain, is to dig in and fight. I hope some of these characters are still around as I long to talk to them.


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