# PosOM? Advice.



## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

Hello folks, figured I would post here as the seperation is ongoing, her at her parents and me at the house, and I wanted your opinion. She has been moved out for 2 weeks and we were in seperate rooms for 3 weeks prior. I got the not in love and roommate speech a couple months ago. We have been married 1.5 years and together 9. Please read my other post for all details as I don't want to rehash that again. There were 2 miscarriages in the last year at the end of selt she checked out. Meanwhile just 2 months earlier I got a letter from her telling me how happy she is blah blah.

I suspected a posOM but couldn't prove it. There were all the red flags and when she said D her concern was about getting off the cell plan(odd). I told her the contract is up in feb.

Well today I check the cell records and a new number has popped up. Phone calls at 4am and she even called it immediately after we had a heart to heart last week. I did a reverse look up and it's a male coworker whom I have suspected all along. He's 10yrs older then her and divorced. I am pissed off but kind of suspected this. I feel like tearing down every wedding pic, pack her stuff and change the locks. I want to confront her about this but I don't know if it's good enough evidence. 

I have been going to MC by myself as she refuses to go and am planning to bring this up at MC on Saturday.

I've been Trying NC but want to break it to confront her!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eternal Embrace (Apr 26, 2012)

Hi Dazed. First off, sorry you're having to go thru this - it sucks but at least you can to a great place for help and support!

Breaking the NC to confront her is a double edged sword, IMHO.
Do you think she'll admit anything by confronting her? Cause I seriously doubt she will. I busted my STBXH the same way via phone records and when I called him on it all I recieved was a ton more BS lies spewing forth from his mouth and more frustration and anger towards him on my part. I didn't need him to tell me what in my heart I already knew to be true - besides, he wasn't fessing up anyways. I guess my question is, do you think it's really worth it?

If I were you I'd just continue the NC and your MC. Work on yourself - for yourself, nobody else - and you'll come out of this a better person in the end - her, probably not. Why waste your valuable time and energy by putting more focus on her?


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

Thanks for the reply and advice EE

I think she would deny deny deny. She would would probably just leave when I brought it up. That's her MO these days.. Flight.. I know I shouldn't care but I do. 
Right Or wrong Im feeling I need to expose this bs and I don't know why. Maybe some satisfaction that my gut has been right for the last 3 months. The anger is overwhelming and apart of me wants to get even by exposing! Your right though, I don't think it's worth the frustration and anger!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Go to the Coping w/Infidelity section and post - I'm sure you will get lots of advice there. Best of luck to you!


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Yep she will say any lie she can and deny it till the very end. If you decide to confront her get rock solid evidence first. Though I've read on here and other places exposing it is the best way to end it.


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

Thanks for reply. Moved to Infidelity forum.

What's considered Rock solid evidence? She couldn't have any explanation for calling him at 4am.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Nope, but I can guarantee she will find a excuse. Its amazing how many lies someone will tell when caught. I know my wife had all kinds of tall tales.


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

I kind of want to hear what she has to say about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Luonnotar (Aug 2, 2012)

I gotta agree that she's going to deny it. My STBXH did. And still does. Even though the OW came up to me the other day and apologized and told me "this was never supposed to happen." I told her that my STBXH claims they're still friends. She's still in shock.

What you need to to is decide what you want. If you're going to try and make it work, then don't obsess on all the details. I was checking his text counts every ten minutes and watching them going higher and higher. The only one it hurt was me.

But, also start thinking about where your line is. If she's not going to work, really work, what are you going to do next?


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

dzd&confused said:


> I kind of want to hear what she has to say about it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just remember she will get violent and ugly and pull away from you super quick. The whole time denying it and telling you some bold faced lie.

A cheater is not rational at all and no matter how many times you call her on it she will try and sliver away and blame you, stonewall you and divert blame.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

I'm with EE. What's the point really, she says she wants to leave and now you want to go after her for the possibiliity of an affair? What does this gain you?

The whole idea of investigating a possible affair AFTER the other party has expressed a desire to leave is a bit... strange to me. At the very best, you're just going to undo the healing and recovery you've already acheived.

I thought the whole point of 180 was to focus on oneself, how does this help?

Let it go man, let go. Move on.


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

caladan said:


> I'm with EE. What's the point really, she says she wants to leave and now you want to go after her for the possibiliity of an affair? What does this gain you?
> 
> The whole idea of investigating a possible affair AFTER the other party has expressed a desire to leave is a bit... strange to me. At the very best, you're just going to undo the healing and recovery you've already acheived.
> 
> ...


Thank you for that it kind of knocked some sense into me. It would not help and has already reversed what little healing I've done. I never knew before. I guess I knew but was in dennial until I had a shred of proof.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

NoWhere said:


> Just remember she will get violent and ugly and pull away from you super quick. The whole time denying it and telling you some bold faced lie.
> 
> A cheater is not rational at all and no matter how many times you call her on it she will try and sliver away and blame you, stonewall you and divert blame.


....I had this....not worth it in one way..but the satisfaction I got was to let him have it! And he reacted exactly like NW writes.

Still..for me.. I don't want him back ...to see his face when I said " satan has you by the balls" ...well secretly I got a kick out of the nervous tic that instantly appeared over his right eye. OH, and the anger was intense. They hate to be confronted with their flaws of adultery. I remained, calm and damn firm. 

She will deny all the way.....soooooo 
You can let it go and sit with the truth you hold
or let her know -but expect 'that' consequence. 


hugs, love and peace to you


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