# Serial Infidelity



## wifecheatedonme (Oct 12, 2010)

Here is my story: 

My wife and I met when I was a sophomore and she was a freshman in college. She was a bit of a tomboy and more sexually aggressive than I was. When we met she was engaged to her last boyfriend from high school (the typical bad-boy type). I did not pursue her until she had broken off the engagement and moved on with her life. From the moment that I met her I knew that I would marry her. I know that sounds rather overdramatic but it is true, she was the ONE.

Our relationship progresses to the point that we get married and raise a family for the next 13 years. Nothing ever really seemed out of sorts until the day that I discovered her infidelity (hindsight is 20/20). She was a good wife, a devoted mom, always displayed a strong work ethic and volunteered regularly. If she had any faults it was being strong willed and nagging far too much. I did not suspect cheating because she derided others that cheated and she was the reason that we joined the church and got baptized. She was quite active in church and I accused her of being here anytime the doors were open! What I didn’t know was all of this was only half of her life.

To sum it up – she rekindled a friendship with her ex-fiancé about three years ago. I did not like it but she told me when they talked (yeah right) and when he happened to be passing through town they might grab lunch somewhere (only once that I knew of). As I look back on this a type it out I really feel like a moron – how did I not see it. I didn’t want to be to possessive/jealous type plus she knew right from wrong didn’t she? After all, she is miss goody two shoes and has always had more guy friends than girl friends. The affair lasted for seven months.

It was an EA and PA. Her previous relationship with this guy was primarily sex based. He apparently described her to one of his buds as ‘a rollercoaster that you don’t have to pay for’. His wife found out the affair. My wife called me upset while visiting her mother with our boys (he just so happened to live in the same town). She admitted that his wife had called her upset because he had been hiding the phone conversations form his wife and she was mad. My wife was unusually upset at this. At this point my instincts were screaming that this is not as innocent as it seems. I check her cell phone records and find they had talked for 18 hours that month alone. I called and confronted her – she admitted the affair and that they had sex once. 

Over the next week she admits that they had sex twice after lying about it for a couple of days. I had the feeling that there was more to the story and that she would cheat on me again (can’t keep a race horse from running analogy). She broke down and told me more than I ever thought possible of her. The affair that she had with her ex-fiancé was not the only time she was unfaithful. She sat crying on our bathroom floor and recounted 13 different men that she had improper sexual relations with. She refused to tell me the names of two more that she didn’t think that I could handle at that time. She also told me that all of them were her giving oral. The two that she didn’t want to tell me turned out to be people that we both knew, but after all the other revelations –meh. 

She struggled to remember some of the guys and which I still don’t understand. She did remember one more guy in the next couple of weeks and swears that was all that she can remember. This does not include when we were not engaged during college. I have enough trouble dealing with what I do know – no need to bring myself down further! She said that all of the affairs (except the last one) were unemotional and as soon as she gave oral she didn’t see the guy again. Further, she stated that she would block out what she was doing from the rest of her life – compartmentalizing her two lives.

As she revealed all of this I remembered that she told me that in high school she was promiscuous and lost her virginity at 14. She mostly admitted to giving BJs in order to not have intercourse with the guys. Very early in our relationship she confided in me that her father molested her somewhere in the age range of 6 to 8 years old. He made her give him oral and occasionally performed oral on her. As she was spilling her guts about all of her indiscretions I told her, “do you not realize that is what your father made you do?” She just looked at me dumbfounded - she had never made that connection.

She got individual counseling and her therapist told her that her problems did in fact stem from her father. I still do not understand how she could do that to me. She swears that it was not about me and she never had any problem with me. It has been 1 year 8 months and for the most part we are a much stronger couple. We love deeper than we ever could have and I now have a genuine relationship with God (the only way I made it this so far). There are still times when I get that ‘kicked in the stomach’ feeling and hate her. Luckily those times are not all that frequent but they do happen. In our entire relationship I have never cheated on her – never really wanted to. Now I actually want to! I am tempted to see what the other side is like even though I know it won’t end well. Make no mistake, I never intend to cheat on her but when I see an attractive woman I do entertain the thought. 

I do not think I will ever trust her again. She home schools our children and rarely ever goes anywhere without one of the kids, a mutual female friend or me. I check her phone records and she knows it. She actually gets jealous of me even though I have never acted on the urge to cheat on her – pot meet kettle! For the most part we are a much stronger couple but sometimes can’t help thinking about her as a ***** that serviced other men whenever she wanted to. Frankly I am sick of having to build in checks and balances for every activity she does. I don’t think that she will do it again but I can’t take that chance! She understands that any instance of cheating will result in a no questions asked divorce. Her boundaries are: never communicate with ex fiancé again, never be alone with another man and never lie to me again. She has not violated these rules, says that she does not want to continue her old lifestyle and has watched how she (publicly) talks with other men to not give that ‘open for business’ vibe but because I don’t fully understand why she did it I expect it to happen again.

To be fair to her, she now showers me with adoration and actually looks at me like she loves me. We can make it though this but I do get tired of the constant visual of her giving oral to all of those men. It is very hard for me to believe that she is 'cured' just because she knows that her father set her up for failure. 

All the above is really just me venting - thanks for listening, any advice would be helpful.


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

sorry man .....

i guarantee that she will still cheat ... this kind of woman is absolutely a serial cheater.

this is what i hate, active in the church and active in afair. Jesus, this is disgusting, yes it is.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You have experience this BS and you are now an official officer of the cheating police. So now that she has betrayed you does she understand that she will never beable to go out "a lone"?
You will be suspicios with her every movement, and it will be her responseablity to vailidate her were abouts. For this to work she will need to sacrifice her freedom she once had. Again this is her new job as a wayward wife. If she excepts this job you all have a good chance. 
Remember now that you have caught her it will only be a matter of time before you catcher her, even thinking about other men. You now know her behaviors and signs. With experience come knoldge, and the ability to see the possiblity of it and what will happen if she cheats.
"if she can act so good and be so bad" then she better be acting bad, from now on ;-)
I quess now that we have seen our wife's this way we will never see them in the same light ( she won't cheating", "you can go out", "we're just friends" )these quote will no longer hold water, and for us to heal they will need to sacrifice. All of us (H's &W's) can no longer behave the way we have been. I quess thats a good thing.

I'm a serial *ss h*l* my wifes a serial cheatter, but after so many years we have found that our behaviors have to change, or we will marry again, to differant partners, with the same results, so why not keep the relationship and change the behaviors.

Good luck, there are no guarntees one way or another.


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## sigh....again? (Sep 18, 2010)

Guess I have no great advice for you, but have my own venting to do.
My wife is similar- church every Sunday, Sunday school, Christian Radio, etc.

Last year we barely made it through a physical affair on her part that left me crushed. She agreed to measures, like letting me see her phone, but has been sneaking around them.

She is now in a full blown EA with someone else. I have to wonder- how many have there been. 

She swears that its only the 2 I caught, but who knows. She is always ready for me, which is great, but I always feel like she is giving the "always ready" vide to the room, too. When I ask her to tone down, she says its all in my head...

I kind of agree with "the Guy" above- if we seperate, we'll do the same dance, so why not at least save some dignity and try to fix ourselves for each other...but who knows.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

A woman who's been sexually abused by a father is almost certainly eternally damaged - unless she agrees to SEVERE, LONG-TERM therapy - personal therapy - to get past what was done to her. Promiscuity is almost a certainty for such a female. Sorry, but it's the truth.


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## luvmykids (Oct 8, 2010)

Oh wow...never in a million years would I find someone of another sex in the same situation as me. My husband was molested as a child by several family memebers of the same sex, he has cheated on me serveral times, and I know it all relates to his constant cheating, but again I am like you I don't know how he could hurt me, he knew right from wrong. I too grew up with a harsh unrealistic childhood but yet I have never cheated or thought about it. But now I do. I want revenge, I want a taste, I want to know what its like. Will I do it? Most likely NOT. Why? because I stop and think of the consequences and know that is not what I want nor who I am. I know exactly how you feel when you talk about that feeling of being kicked in the stomach. And he did these things when I was pregnant and having our second child and again this year with our fourth child. To me I feel used, like everything is lie, he is the perfect father, husband and I can't imagine him doing the things he has done. The pictures in my head will never leave me so I know this must be hard for you too. Just know that there are good women out there, just as I find that there are good men out there who do not cheat. Good luck and I wish you both the best.


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## wifecheatedonme (Oct 12, 2010)

Luvmykids:

Did your husband ever admit that his molestation was a key to his urges to recreate his abuse? Does he still cheat on you now?

My wife has not (that I know of) cheated on me since she admitted her infidelity. I can absolutely see a difference in her attitude about marriage. It does frustrate me that she did those things. Most of the guys she gave oral to claimed that they were not getting any sex from their wife/girlfriend (classic guy lie) and her father's actions predisposed her to take care of their needs. She further stated that the sex act was unemotional and she very well could have been thinking about the grocery list. That in no way excuses her from her moral duty to not cheat/break her vows to me. It also doesn't relieve me of any pain. She is on a very short leash and I do not trust her. I have not been convinced that her reasons for cheating have been completely cured. 

Stay the course and I will be praying for you.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I don’t know if I have the right words to explain this. I’ll have a go …..

IF HE/SHE WERE MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE THEY WOULD HAVE DONE EXACTLY THE SAME THING TO THEM.

DO NOT TAKE THESE THINGS PERSONALLY

Not taking these things personally is for some the most difficult thing to do. Taking these things personally is in a way to be a little bit paranoid. “How could he/she do that to ME?”. That ME needs to come out of the equation.

“How could he/she do that to ANYBODY?”. Ask that question and then you may find your answers.

Separate your self from their behaviour. This is why I say do not work on yourself or consider yourself in any way to blame for your partner’s behaviour. That behaviour is totally and absolutely their responsibility, not yours.

IT FEELS PERSONAL, BIG TIME PERSONAL. BUT IT IS NOT PERSONAL.

Bob


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Wifecheatedonme,
I reckon you’ve now joined are in danger of the joining the realm of codependents. Those married to say alcoholics are codependents. AA is where those partners go to learn about codependency. I’ve a mate who stopped drinking 28 years ago but as he considers himself to still be an alcoholic he can’t let one drop pass his lips.

Codependency is when we’re married to someone who is fundamentally flawed in some way and we try to “rescue” them, change them. The link between the two is very powerful on an emotional and intellectual level. I wish you luck whatever it is you choose to do.

Bob


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## Tover26 (Oct 29, 2011)

Codependency.... the white knight in shining armor and the damsel in distress... where neither can see the rusted armor, mud, and infected wounds. But, sometimes you have to try if only to never look back and regret not. My armor may be rusted and my horse may actually be a lame donkey... but in my heart I can be noble can't I?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Wow, you are more forgiving that I could ever have been after such a betrayal, father issues aside. 

she is very lucky to have you as a husband. Her fate would be very nasty with anyone else.


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