# seeking opinions and advice



## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

i have an issue that i really don't know if i am overreacting to. for background info, we each know the other's passwords to email, facebook, etc. he knows i look at his email from time to time, and he can look at mine, although i don't think he ever does. 

my husband has been "secretly" emailing another female for 3 weeks (he thinks it's secret because he deletes the email quickly - however, he forgets to delete his sent mail). he actually does not know her. there has been some minor teasing and risque talk, but nothing real specific until last friday. in her friday email she requested they meet to talk, and suggested a sexual encounter if he was interested. he agreed to meet her, and agreed to the sex. he did go to meet her, but she did not show up because it was bad weather. 

here is where it gets interesting. because i had read the email, i also went and parked away from the meeting spot (a mall) to see if he would show. he did. he knows that i saw him there, and that i know what he was doing there. 

he begged me to come home, begged me to not leave him, told me he didn't know why he went, he didn't intend to do anything more than talk, etc., etc., etc. i feel like i was clear in stating how i felt. i stayed at my mother's the first 24 hours (but didn't tell her why). then went home. it's been cool since then, but i've tried to be considerate toward him. 

surprise, this friday he gets another email saying, hey what are your plans? he replied saying he had plans with his wife (me) which was a little explicit, but that she could send him photos of "her girls" (not the word he used, i'm just keeping it clean) and that would be ok with him. 

I exploded when i saw the email. i told him it was never ok with me for him to talk to another woman like that, even if it was about me! and asking to see "her girls," no way! i've said in the past, and specifically again last week, that if he wouldn't say it in front of me, he should not say it at all. best/worst of all, when i showed him the email and asked why he said that, he looked blank, like "what?" i didn't say anything that wasn't about you. he also said "i thought this was ok to say." _HUH? _

opinions? am i blind and he's planning to cheat on me? is it only a matter of time? or, is he addicted to this behavior because it thrills him? i never thought he would cheat on me until last friday - now i have told him i have lost my trust in that area. 

advice? what do i do next? there is no one i can talk to about this.


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## AFwifey (Apr 26, 2013)

Schedule an appointment for both of you with a counselor. That way you have a neutral party to talk to. He is cheating for all intents and purposes and it needs to be stopped. If you talk to him on your own be calm, ask why he's doing this. Ask yourself am I doing all I can to be the best wife possible? He could be feeling neglected and this is his way of getting attention...though it isn't the right way to get it. Also for these situations I strongly suggest getting the movie Fireproof and you both need to watch it together.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

You handled it well by leaving but apparently it was not enough for him to stop. Read up on the 180, don't cry beg or plead. Treat him like an addict he needs to stop find out who this woman is and expose her and your husband too.
You will get more advise. Stay strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

What is 180? Expose them in what way? I don't know who she is, but I do have her email address.


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## AFwifey (Apr 26, 2013)

You don't want to stoop to their level. You both need to sit down and have a heart to heart. If you still want to be with him and he with you things HAVE to change, it will be hard but it can work. Counseling will definitely be a good option for you both.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Ok your going to have to google the 180' I cant find the newbies thread but will look. You expose the EA not because you scoop to their level but to get them to stop. Tell your husbands parents find out if this woman is married. You can find a website that you put in the email and it may find her info. Also search in Facebook by putting her email.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Also pm the moderators to move your thread to coping with infidelity, you will get more responses there.


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

mablenc said:


> Also pm the moderators to move your thread to coping with infidelity, you will get more responses there.


Oh, thanks! I'm so new here I don't know the proper place to post


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Here you go http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

Take your time to read it, it's pretty much all you need to know. Please continue posting you will get lots of help and support.


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

Thanks everyone! I feel some better knowing that I am not overreacting.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

He's a serial cheater and will always continue to cheat. There is nothing you can do to stop him from cheating. The best thing to do is file for divorce. I'm so sorry he's doing this to you.

My ex h cheated on me and he still cheats 19 years later on his current wife.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

i don't know how you can be questioning if you are overreacting. just that fact that you're not even sure if you have a right to be upset makes me think that you put up with so much BS, that you have lost sight of what is acceptable and what is right and what is wrong. What your H is doing is CLEARLY, UNMISTAKENLY, NO DOUBT ABOUT IT *WRONG*.

He behaves in a really disgusting way. You bust him. He apologizes. You move out for 24 hours. Then he does it again. Either he has to recognize that his behavior is unacceptable and gets help, or you have no choice but to get out. You should not tolerate playing second or 3rd or 4th fiddle to his affairs.


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

IsGirl3 said:


> i don't know how you can be questioning if you are overreacting. just that fact that you're not even sure if you have a right to be upset makes me think that you put up with so much BS, that you have lost sight of what is acceptable and what is right and what is wrong. What your H is doing is CLEARLY, UNMISTAKENLY, NO DOUBT ABOUT IT *WRONG*.
> 
> He behaves in a really disgusting way. You bust him. He apologizes. You move out for 24 hours. Then he does it again. Either he has to recognize that his behavior is unacceptable and gets help, or you have no choice but to get out. You should not tolerate playing second or 3rd or 4th fiddle to his affairs.


Honestly, I'd never heard of an EA until I started searching online for a marriage forum.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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