# Reconciling with my ex-wife, after she married and divorced



## matador

I don't normally go to anonymous people on the internet who could be anyone from a 12-year-old boy to a hobbit that lives under a bridge, but here I am. 

In 2007 my wife left me for another man. It took me a long time to realize and accept it, but we both made mistakes. My ex-wife left before getting physical with that man, so there was no _physical_ cheating. I have come to accept that I pushed my ex-wife away. I didn't listen to her, refused to spend time with her unless it was on my terms, didn't help her enough with our children, didn't romance her - at all. She tried to tell me so many times that things needed to change and I didn't listen. We had been married for 3 years at the time, and we were 25 and 27. In hindsight, we were too young and my ex-wife agrees. 

My ex-wife met a man at work and fell for him. He was what pushed her to leave me. 2 months after our divorce was finalized, a year after she left, they married (2008).

This man is the total opposite of me. He's taller, a gym buff/ripped, more successful, more active/adventurous. My ex-wife and I still have each other on Facebook and over the years I've watched what she's posted with him. When we were married we had a small wedding and spent around $6000. When they married they had a huge extravagant wedding with a few hundred people. The base price for their venue was 60 grand, I looked it up. Never in a million years did she want that when we were together. She posted pictures of them rock climbing, marathons, skywalks, travelling to more exotic places. Things she never showed an interest in while we were together. After she had our kids she didn't want to do anything other than parent. 

It makes me wonder, is that the real her? Who did she show her true self to, me or him. They separated Jan. 2016 and are now divorced. My ex-wife caught him having a full blown affair with someone half his age. 

Over the last year my ex-wife and I have been getting closer again. We have been spending more time together as a family and alone. We haven't told our kids anything. Two weeks ago we had sex and she has been a bit clingy since then. I have had relationships since our divorce, but nothing that was good enough to commit to. I want to make an attempt to reconcile with my ex-wife, and she seems to want to as well. 

My ex-wife and I have 13 year old and 12 year old. She has a 6 year old, 4 year old and 2 year old with her more recent ex-husband. 

Does reconciliation after divorce ever work out? Am I just being a moron?


----------



## MovingForward

matador said:


> I don't normally go to anonymous people on the internet who could be anyone from a 12-year-old boy to a hobbit that lives under a bridge, but here I am.
> 
> In 2007 my wife left me for another man. It took me a long time to realize and accept it, but we both made mistakes. My ex-wife left before getting physical with that man, so there was no _physical_ cheating. I have come to accept that I pushed my ex-wife away. I didn't listen to her, refused to spend time with her unless it was on my terms, didn't help her enough with our children, didn't romance her - at all. She tried to tell me so many times that things needed to change and I didn't listen. We had been married for 3 years at the time, and we were 25 and 27. In hindsight, we were too young and my ex-wife agrees.
> 
> My ex-wife met a man at work and fell for him. He was what pushed her to leave me. 2 months after our divorce was finalized, a year after she left, they married (2008).
> 
> This man is the total opposite of me. He's taller, a gym buff/ripped, more successful, more active/adventurous. My ex-wife and I still have each other on Facebook and over the years I've watched what she's posted with him. When we were married we had a small wedding and spent around $6000. When they married they had a huge extravagant wedding with a few hundred people. The base price for their venue was 60 grand, I looked it up. Never in a million years did she want that when we were together. She posted pictures of them rock climbing, marathons, skywalks, travelling to more exotic places. Things she never showed an interest in while we were together. After she had our kids she didn't want to do anything other than parent.
> 
> It makes me wonder, is that the real her? Who did she show her true self to, me or him. They separated Jan. 2016 and are now divorced. My ex-wife caught him having a full blown affair with someone half his age.
> 
> Over the last year my ex-wife and I have been getting closer again. We have been spending more time together as a family and alone. We haven't told our kids anything. Two weeks ago we had sex and she has been a bit clingy since then. I have had relationships since our divorce, but nothing that was good enough to commit to. I want to make an attempt to reconcile with my ex-wife, and she seems to want to as well.
> 
> My ex-wife and I have 13 year old and 12 year old. She has a 6 year old, 4 year old and 2 year old with her more recent ex-husband.
> 
> Does reconciliation after divorce ever work out? Am I just being a moron?


If you both want it then go for it and see what happens just keep it quiet for the kids in case it does not work out again. You both may have changed and be better for each other or it may end again but no different to any other relationship.


----------



## jb02157

No don't do it. You are Plan B. It's just a matter of time before a new plan A roles into town, complete with ripped muscles, big bank account and adventure after adventure to wow her with. Only co-parent with her. I honestly think getting back together with her would be foolish.


----------



## Ol'Pal

matador said:


> I don't normally go to anonymous people on the internet who could be anyone from a 12-year-old boy to a hobbit that lives under a bridge, but here I am.
> 
> In 2007 my wife left me for another man. It took me a long time to realize and accept it, but we both made mistakes. My ex-wife left before getting physical with that man, so there was no _physical_ cheating. I have come to accept that I pushed my ex-wife away. I didn't listen to her, refused to spend time with her unless it was on my terms, didn't help her enough with our children, didn't romance her - at all. She tried to tell me so many times that things needed to change and I didn't listen. We had been married for 3 years at the time, and we were 25 and 27. In hindsight, we were too young and my ex-wife agrees.
> 
> My ex-wife met a man at work and fell for him. He was what pushed her to leave me. 2 months after our divorce was finalized, a year after she left, they married (2008).
> 
> This man is the total opposite of me. He's taller, a gym buff/ripped, more successful, more active/adventurous. My ex-wife and I still have each other on Facebook and over the years I've watched what she's posted with him. When we were married we had a small wedding and spent around $6000. When they married they had a huge extravagant wedding with a few hundred people. The base price for their venue was 60 grand, I looked it up. Never in a million years did she want that when we were together. She posted pictures of them rock climbing, marathons, skywalks, travelling to more exotic places. Things she never showed an interest in while we were together. After she had our kids she didn't want to do anything other than parent.
> 
> It makes me wonder, is that the real her? Who did she show her true self to, me or him. They separated Jan. 2016 and are now divorced. My ex-wife caught him having a full blown affair with someone half his age.
> 
> Over the last year my ex-wife and I have been getting closer again. We have been spending more time together as a family and alone. We haven't told our kids anything. Two weeks ago we had sex and she has been a bit clingy since then. I have had relationships since our divorce, but nothing that was good enough to commit to. I want to make an attempt to reconcile with my ex-wife, and she seems to want to as well.
> 
> My ex-wife and I have 13 year old and 12 year old. She has a 6 year old, 4 year old and 2 year old with her more recent ex-husband.
> 
> Does reconciliation after divorce ever work out? Am I just being a moron?


Yes you're a Moron. Open you're eyes, She just using you when you are her best option to get some d1k. What happens the next time she falls for some guy? poof, shes gone again. 

Quit letting her play you for a chump. You're nothing more than an option for her. She gives zero cares about you.


----------



## Keke24

So she had an emotional affair and eventually left you for the OM. The OM didn't work out and now she's back. 

I wouldn't be excited to be someone's plan b. Did she ever accept responsibility for the emotional affair with the OM?


----------



## EunuchMonk

matador said:


> Two weeks ago we had sex


You harlot! May judgement fall down upon thee!


I'm just kidding.

People can change. Maybe it was a response to your deficiency in being a husband. Maybe she was just meant for this guy. Maybe they will get back together. Maybe the stars weren't right the first time you two married. Maybe you married too young and needed maturing. Maybe this time around it will be better. Maybe. But my thinking is, why take the chance? Just my two cents. Do whatever you want OP.


----------



## Taxman

Take your time with this. It happens, and I have seen people find each other all over again. Problematically, she left you for another, which clouds the issue. You could really be plan B, and this should be discussed.


----------



## GuyInColorado

How many girls have you had sex with over these years? If you end up reconciling, don't ever marry her again. She won't stay around for long. 

Do you have confidence? Are you shorter and bald? You seem to lack confidence in your post. Time to work on yourself. Have you had a great sex life since divorce? How as the sex life with your ex wife before she left you for Mr Muscles?


----------



## AtMyEnd

If you've been getting along and you're feeling that "click", why not give it a shot. I agree with everyone else that you should keep it a secret from the kids, you wouldn't want them getting excited about the two of you getting back together and then you don't for whatever reason. Sure the two of you had your problems that caused the split and she did have an EA which ultimately ended things, and I know everyone is going to yell at me for this one, but if what you're saying is true about her not getting physical with the OM until after you split, she at least had enough respect for you not to have a full blown affair when she very well could've. It wouldn't be the first time I heard about a couple getting back together and actually working the second time around.


----------



## rockon

jb02157 said:


> No don't do it. You are Plan B. It's just a matter of time before a new plan A roles into town, complete with ripped muscles, big bank account and adventure after adventure to wow her with. Only co-parent with her. I honestly think getting back together with her would be foolish.



This.

Plus, are you OK with raising/parenting another mans children?


----------



## DepressedDiva

It sounds like she was romanced & stolen away by a jerk during a vulnerable time. Is she working or unemployed? Reconciliation might be a good thing for you & your kids. I don't know that you should re-marry though, take it slow.....
God bless you


----------



## Yeswecan

jb02157 said:


> No don't do it. You are Plan B. It's just a matter of time before a new plan A roles into town, complete with ripped muscles, big bank account and adventure after adventure to wow her with. Only co-parent with her. I honestly think getting back together with her would be foolish.


Quoted for truth. You are a paycheck and a place to live as ripped muscles has found another. I would think you xw would have a good idea how you felt those years ago when you were put to pasture. 

Co-parent. Do not pay for OM children.


----------



## jb02157

rockon said:


> This.
> 
> Plus, are you OK with raising/parenting another mans children?


Now she has 5 kids, your 2 and 3 with Mr. Muscles. She needs someone to take care of them while she goes off to her next "adventure".


----------



## Evinrude58

Two kids with you, three with OM?

You are the textbook plan b. She showed you what she thought of you. I hear getting. Ack with an ex is like shoving poo back up in your arse, 

But, you're going to do it, and she will move on with someone that is better looking and makes more money and is more exciting.
She's already shown you she's willing to do that.
Raise OM's kids? That would be hard for you to stomach when they're being bad. And they will be.

My vote is try and NOT get back with her. She's never shown remorse for the affair? 
You do realize the emotional is just as bad as the physical, right?
Either one ruins marriages.


----------



## chillymorn69

:surprise:http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/slap.gif


----------



## SunCMars

I can go either way on this one. No, I am not metro-sexual!

She thought the grass was greener on the other side of the fence. She found out IT WAS. She had a blast with this guy, doing all the things he wanted to do. 

However, she did it FOR HIM. He read right through her. He realized that she was YOUR IMAGE of her, NOT HIS.

Your wife is Mrs. Average. She is not an active outdoor women. She is an average housewife, who does cooking, shopping, taking the kids places. She likes to relax and do her hobbies. 

This guy WAS HOT. She WAS NOT. He dumped her by cheating on her with a FOR REAL hot young women who has the adventure spirit still in her. The housewife persona has not risen yet in her young chest. This young hottie is not hearing her biological clock screaming for children. 

At one time you were Plan A, then you were Plan B.....a turd that she decided to dump. Now you are what??

You have won her back. Her oyster is now back in your bed. Can you hold on to it?

Every one will see that you are the better man. She DID come back.

If you have strong feelings for her, I would take her back. But, it would be on your terms. You will tell her that she will be treated properly this time around.

Now, the hard part. She has to earn your trust back. Do not let her move in with you again. Tell her that her oyster is now unavailable to anyone else......again.

Tell her, "Against your better judgement" you will give this a try.....for the children's sake.

If you want "R" to work, do not abuse her, berate her....be friendly and upbeat. Be that man that you should have been before. 

But, GAWD...please do not let her dictate anything, do not let her get the upper
hand, do not let her blame shift anything. 

The fact that she is coming back should tell you that she values you. MAYBE, she now realizes that she made a mistake. 

Oh, by the way, she did have an EA with the dude, before moving out. 

And tell her that re-marriage may or may never happen. Do not move in together for a couple of years. 

See if she has matured from this....or if she is now MERELY desperate and ONLY needs a safe landing spot. You are that. She tried to fool her new flame by being HOT and active. He got bored with her quickly. 

Watch her carefully. How strong are you? Can you let her go if she disappoints you...... again?

If you do get together, wear her out in bed. That is your reward. If she balks or refuses to allow frequent access to her oyster, then she is not really into you. Watch her actions when you make love to her. Does she seem to enjoy it? 

Or, if you do not really love her that much any more than let her go.....as she did you, not so long ago. 

Yourself? Get in shape, groom yourself well, nice clothes, haircut. Stand tall and smile a lot. Be fun to be around. Be a good father and human being. 

Never suck up to her. Remain dominant, but pleasantly so.


----------



## jb02157

Evinrude58 said:


> Two kids with you, three with OM?
> 
> You are the textbook plan b. She showed you what she thought of you. I hear getting. Ack with an ex is like shoving poo back up in your arse,


...so you can re**** it out again?? Who knows, maybe it will feel better coming out the second time??


----------



## 225985

rockon said:


> Plus, are you OK with raising/parenting another mans children?


Good point. All five kids are hers. Only two are yours. 

Each time you look at the other three that might trigger you to thinking of your wife riding on top of Mr Muscles.


----------



## GusPolinski

Also, she's lying.


----------



## *Deidre*

Nooooo....lol Don't go back with her. She sounds like she can't ever be alone without a guy ''defining'' her. She went from you, to him, now back to you. I'd absolutely not take her back. Not even because she cheated and all of that, sounds like you're past that. But, because she doesn't sound emotionally stable, and just runs to the next guy who will have her. If you like drama, then go back with her. But, just my opinion, I'd move on.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Matador,

I going to tell you something that you may not want to hear, you may love her, still care about her, but i am going to put it on the line....she not only has your children but his as well....5....so she is a divorced mom with 5 kids...be honest your self...what are her prospect in finding another guy to fall in love with and marry....what kind guy out there would want to have a new wife and 5 kids? you are an easy mark for her, you already own two of them, so your now picking up 3, she knows the caliber of man you are, and she does not have to try as hard....now you on the other hand, i suspect, have better prospects....i just think you are setting yourself for a future failure again. 

She married the fun one apparently and your the comfortable one....is that what you really want?

KEEP THIS IN MIND....she left you for him....he fell in love with him....she did not fall back in love with you, she did not leave him for you...she got burnt by him divorced and now have to start again...


----------



## Hope1964

matador said:


> Am I just being a moron?


Pretty much.

You've accepted the blame for her leaving you for another guy. And you even think she didn't have sex with him before she left LOL. WOW do you need a dose of reality!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Hope1964

I'd suggest you DNA your two and see if they're also his.


----------



## Evinrude58

5 kids. Watching mind movies of her banging the gym rat.
Raising gym rat's seed he had with YOUR wife?
Wondering if she's really wanting him back?

I think I'd just stay single


----------



## anchorwatch

@matador,

I don't have a dog in this fight. It's your life, you should do as you wish. I have seen reconciliation after a long-term acrimonious divorce, involving a PA. It's not the norm. 

The ten years between 27 and 37 makes quite a difference in maturity. You sound as if that is the case with you. Is it same with her? 

Do you understand the previous warnings? Are you prepared for those risks? Only you know the answers to that. 

Best


----------



## matador

I want to be fair and say that she tried, harder than I did. She probably tried to talk to me 20 times before leaving. In the beginning it was just "hey why don't we try this" and ended up being "I'm not happy, we need to do something or I'm leaving". I didn't take her seriously and the next chat I got was "I met someone and I have feelings for him" she still hadn't decided to leave at that point, she asked me to try, and I told her to go. I don't think I actually thought she would. I believe her that she didn't physically cheat. She had plenty of times she could have used that to hurt me or just piss me off. It wouldn't have impacted our divorce. Emotionally, that's a different story. 

She is also not suffering for money. She met her 2nd ex-husband at work. I saw her pay check recently and she is making $1480/week. Plus receiving $4K/month in child support and $2K/month in alimony from ex-husband #2. She was also awarded the house in the divorce. It honestly scares me a bit. She ****ed ex-husband #2 over in court, not to say he didn't deserve it. She convinced him to get snipped, then slapped him with divorce papers and proof of his affair. Wound up with a good chunk of his pay check for the next 16 years, the house, full custody. Pretty sure he paid for court costs as well. All for a 20-year-old piece of ass. 

I hated her for a long time, I couldn't see the reality. She didn't hate me, she was hurt though. We have been on good terms for a long time, after I realized my part in the failed marriage. 

There are things that worry me and I don't think I would marry her again. Since my divorce I have said that I'm not going to marry again unless it's perfect and all the stars align. I can't change that for my ex-wife. She still has a thing for the very fit, ripped men much more so than when we were married. I'm an average guy. 5'10, 160lb, no visible muscle. I'm not the type to decide last minute to jump on a plane to the first available destination (not that she could now anyway). To an extent, she has kept up with the athletic lifestyle when she has time to do so. I'm still not going to jump out of any planes or climb a ****ing rock. The difference is now she has friends to do those things with, before she did not. When we met she was a virgin, she had a couple teenage relationships but nothing serious. I asked, she said she has only had sex with me, her 2nd ex-husband and some guy they brought into the relationship a couple times. I am worried that I'm just her safe zone. Her safe landing spot when her world was turned upside down. I don't want to go through the past again when the next man comes along. I don't want to be her Plan B. She is 35 with 5 kids and divorced twice. She's very attractive BUT, you are right when you say how many men in that age range want what she brings to the table. 

She has been on her best behavior trying to prove herself to me/sucking up. At every possibility she does things that I like or use to like. A while ago I said that I'd try again with her but there would be no guarantees and I'm not going to limit myself to just her (stupid to say), but she cannot see anyone else. She was hurt that I wouldn't give her the same level of exclusiveness that she was required to give but said yes. I'm not seeing anyone else, she doesn't know that and tries to ask questions that would indicate whether I am or not. Oral sex was never really her thing before, she'd do it, but didn't enjoy it and that was obvious. When we had sex she insisted on giving me a bj for quite a while and it was quite good. But then I remember whose **** she had to suck to learn that.

She was quite hurt when she discovered her husband was banging a 20-year-old, sometimes the ******* side of me is almost happy. Karma. 

She has admitted that there were things she could have done differently. Changed jobs to be away from him, refused to talk to him rather than getting closer to him, she went out with him and friends and admitted that should not have happened. Neither of us are the same people we were 10 years ago. 

The point of not living together is good. That needs to wait a long time. I don't want to jump into anything. We are not telling the kids anything.

I dated quite a bit over the last 8 years. Sometimes seriously, other times just for fun. I had a couple relationships but they didn't amount to anything serious. My ex-wife has prodded about how many women I was with but I haven't given her that information. I went through some phases of sleeping around often, had a better sex life than I did while married. My ex-wife is jealous and I kind of like it.

When we were married our sex life started off great. We had sex daily and she was into it. As time went on and I started giving her less and less of me she started giving me less of herself. By the end of our marriage, and when she met ex-husband #2, we were not having sex at all. MAYBE twice in the last year. 

The other children are a concern. Her 3 youngest are not mine and I'm not going to take over and be dad. They do still see their dad when he wants to see them. I believe he has every other weekend and every Wednesday. He does take them on days that he isn't scheduled to have them. So not a total deadbeat. IF we reconciled and IF we moved back in together they would be this constant reminder of a whole other life she had with that ****wad. I wouldn't take anger out on the kids, ever. I've spent quite a bit of time with them, when we go out as a family.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I thought this would just be an old flame, run its course and end but thus far, no.


----------



## Yeswecan

> some guy they brought into the relationship a couple times.


Sigh...



> She's very attractive BUT, you are right when you say how many men in that age range want what she brings to the table.


You would be very surprised. 



> But then I remember whose **** she had to suck to learn that.


Refer back to the first and second quote. These things play on your mind and many will say they should not since you were not together but you know, it just is not that easy sometimes. 

Honestly, I would keep my distance and allow actions to speak before committing to anything.


----------



## manfromlamancha

You need to see things clearly. This is what I understand from what you have said:


Whether you accept that you are or are not, you ARE blaming yourself for her leaving. Every marriage has problems and you really need to separate that from her decision to have an affair.


She DID have an affair. Not everyone finds someone else and THEN leaves. They normally leave and THEN find someone else. As to whether she slept with him or not, it is highly unlikely that she did not. From what you have said about him, he would not commit to her without sampling the goods first. You currently still see only the good in her - this is from how you describe her etc. The fact is that she was almost certainly lying to you while developing her "relationship" with him. I would poly her to see if she did not get physical with him (only so that you can be sure that she didn't lie to you at the time). She knows she cheated and even gave you a list of things she should have done to avoid the affair.


She left you for someone that she perceived to be hotter, wealthier, more successful etc. And if he was all that, why would he pursue someone who was married, with two kids etc. - the point being she must have done a fair amount of the pursuing. Again, I would say there would almost certainly have been some physical stuff else this would never end up with him wanting to marry her. 


She had what she described to you over the years as a fantastic life. He even offered her threesomes with another man (how in hell's name are you going to come back from that). She would never leave him for you had he not cheated. Basically the karma bus hit her - what goes round come round. She cheated and left, well the same thing happened to her. You seem to be the classic "nice guy" here and are feeling sorry for someone that cheated, then got cheated on and took her husband to the cleaners. Why on earth ?!?!? She has now come back to you because you share kids and she "gets along" with you. The fact is there could be (younger, fitter) predators out there who could go after her as a Sugar Momma. She knows you are a safe bet even though you are not her "type" now (even more so than before).


And she wants to know who else you are seeing so she knows what competition she faces and how to deal with it. I wouldn't believe much of what she says yet. You DO NOT REALLY KNOW HER! If you sleep around then no matter what she tells you, she might too. Heck, she did it when you were married (vows and all that). And you know she has a thing for young ripped men. So make sure you are aware that she lies, you are not her type and she is only with you because she got dumped.


I personally wouldn't touch this with a barge pole. If you feel you want to then what you should do is date her with extreme care. Don't make a big deal about it and make her work for the relationship. I really wouldn't understand either of you wanting to get married again - you can get all the companionship and a$$ you want without that kind of commitment and opening up yourself to heartache again. The same goes for her.


Proceed with caution and much more importantly, OPEN YOUR EYES man and take her off any pedestal you have her on.


----------



## Hope1964

Dude, you asked if you're a moron and we said yes you are. Do with that what you will, but you've been warned. It's a BAD IDEA. That last wall of text you wrote is just drivel and has nothing to even do with anything.


----------



## sokillme

Some red flags in this post.



matador said:


> It makes me wonder, is that the real her? Who did she show her true self to, me or him.


This is the big one. Doesn't sound like she knows herself. She doesn't sound very stable. Also just because she says there was not cheating doesn't mean there wasn't. I am sure there was enough to let her know she had someone else waiting in the wings to make it safer to dump you. I mean what make her such a good catch? 

I don't understand why you can't just have fun. Why do you need to have a serious relationship with this women. 

You know what sucks more then being replaced by someone, being replaced twice by that same person twice.


----------



## sokillme

DepressedDiva said:


> It sounds like she was romanced & stolen away by a jerk during a vulnerable time.


Every guys dream woman. :surprise:


----------



## sokillme

matador said:


> A while ago I said that I'd try again with her but there would be no guarantees and I'm not going to limit myself to just her (stupid to say), but she cannot see anyone else. She was hurt that I wouldn't give her the same level of exclusiveness that she was required to give but said yes.


So basically she is desperate. People committing out of desperation are not the safest people to have relationships with.

She also brought another man into her bed are you cool with that? Whose idea was that? If it was hers and you wouldn't be cool if you had a problem with that.

It's your life man but I say just enjoy the attention for a while and make no commitments. I don't really understand why you want to end up with this women. She had 3 kids from her marriage with the guy she cheated on you with. That doesn't sound like the path to happiness. 

Enjoy the karma and enjoy her company.


----------



## Trying2getitRIGHT

matador said:


> I don't normally go to anonymous people on the internet who could be anyone from a 12-year-old boy to a hobbit that lives under a bridge, but here I am.
> 
> In 2007 my wife left me for another man. It took me a long time to realize and accept it, but we both made mistakes. My ex-wife left before getting physical with that man, so there was no _physical_ cheating. I have come to accept that I pushed my ex-wife away. I didn't listen to her, refused to spend time with her unless it was on my terms, didn't help her enough with our children, didn't romance her - at all. She tried to tell me so many times that things needed to change and I didn't listen. We had been married for 3 years at the time, and we were 25 and 27. In hindsight, we were too young and my ex-wife agrees.
> 
> My ex-wife met a man at work and fell for him. He was what pushed her to leave me. 2 months after our divorce was finalized, a year after she left, they married (2008).
> 
> This man is the total opposite of me. He's taller, a gym buff/ripped, more successful, more active/adventurous. My ex-wife and I still have each other on Facebook and over the years I've watched what she's posted with him. When we were married we had a small wedding and spent around $6000. When they married they had a huge extravagant wedding with a few hundred people. The base price for their venue was 60 grand, I looked it up. Never in a million years did she want that when we were together. She posted pictures of them rock climbing, marathons, skywalks, travelling to more exotic places. Things she never showed an interest in while we were together. After she had our kids she didn't want to do anything other than parent.
> 
> It makes me wonder, is that the real her? Who did she show her true self to, me or him. They separated Jan. 2016 and are now divorced. My ex-wife caught him having a full blown affair with someone half his age.
> 
> Over the last year my ex-wife and I have been getting closer again. We have been spending more time together as a family and alone. We haven't told our kids anything. Two weeks ago we had sex and she has been a bit clingy since then. I have had relationships since our divorce, but nothing that was good enough to commit to. I want to make an attempt to reconcile with my ex-wife, and she seems to want to as well.
> 
> My ex-wife and I have 13 year old and 12 year old. She has a 6 year old, 4 year old and 2 year old with her more recent ex-husband.
> 
> Does reconciliation after divorce ever work out? Am I just being a moron?


You could always be a better husband, no excuse at all for her choice to cheat whether emotionally or not. Until she gets the underlying issues resolved she will continue in the same paths. When we divorce snd remarry we often think we are fixing yhe problem (someone else) when in reality the problem is us. She most certainly needs to get her fixed or you guys will go round 2. You have stuff to learn as well, but dont think for a minute you need to be sorry for her choice. A change in heart is only thing to prevent a relapse. What happens if you get cancer? Is she remorseful?


----------



## matador

You guys are right. This is a disaster waiting to happen. I'm not her type, she came running back when her 2nd husband cheated on her, I'm her safety net. 

I haven't had an amazing relationship since our divorce, so parts of me are still hanging onto her. I use to be one of the people that thought everything happened for a reason. That is probably shining through. Our kids have no memory of us ever being together so "trying for the kids" doesn't really apply. We get along right now, if things go south the kids could suffer from a bad co-parent relationship. 

So I've got 2 options, don't take it seriously and see how it goes. Just have enjoy the company with zero commitment and enjoy the sex. Right now it seems like she'd do anything I asked her. OR call it quits and stay co-parents and nothing more.


----------



## *Deidre*

matador said:


> You guys are right. This is a disaster waiting to happen. I'm not her type, she came running back when her 2nd husband cheated on her, I'm her safety net.
> 
> I haven't had an amazing relationship since our divorce, so parts of me are still hanging onto her. I use to be one of the people that thought everything happened for a reason. That is probably shining through. Our kids have no memory of us ever being together so "trying for the kids" doesn't really apply. We get along right now, if things go south the kids could suffer from a bad co-parent relationship.
> 
> So I've got 2 options, don't take it seriously and see how it goes. Just have enjoy the company with zero commitment and enjoy the sex. Right now it seems like she'd do anything I asked her. OR call it quits and stay co-parents and nothing more.


She seems like she'd do anything you'd ask of her, because she's auditioning to become your wife again. Once she realizes she isn't going to get that role back, she will stop pretending. It's your life of course, we can only offer opinions, but I'd end this, and move on. If you continue, you'll fall back in love with her again.. people always catch feelings in these situations, when they think it's only about sex.


----------



## Hope1964

You can't have sex with the ex and just leave it at that. Your relationship with her has to be as far as the kids go and THAT IS IT. Anything else is just asking to have your heart and your brain ripped out this time.


----------



## Satya

Having sex with your ex wife is going to build a bond that you don't seem all that gung-ho about wanting.

Once it's built up (especially for her) it'll be harder and more painful to break (again).

Go find a woman who is not your wife, is available, and is more compatible with you.

Oh, and ETA: having read your previous posts, your ex wife really sounds like she can't be alone for very long. That's not healthy.


----------



## matador

Yeah, fair enough. I don't want to admit it and get flamed but there is a part of me that wants to lead her on and hurt her. A) that is for d-bags, B) it will negatively affect our kids, C) she's been hurt enough lately. The karma bus came, that should be enough. 



Satya said:


> Having sex with your ex wife is going to build a bond that you don't seem all that gung-ho about wanting.
> 
> Once it's built up (especially for her) it'll be harder and more painful to break (again).
> 
> Go find a woman who is not your wife, is available, and is more compatible with you.
> 
> Oh, and ETA: having read your previous posts, your ex wife really sounds like she can't be alone for very long. That's not healthy.


You're last sentence is correct. She went from high school relationships back to back, then met me, then her latest ex-husband, now back to me. I think this is the longest she has been single since she was a teenager.


----------



## ConanHub

No. Don't marry her ever and make sure she knows that will never be in the cards.

If she is ok with that then be companions.

I personally would never take a woman back that ever chose someone over me, especially after taking vows.

Top it off with the fact she is a cheater and I don't see the attraction anymore.

If she is making you feel good and your life is better, keep seeing her but never put a ring on it.


----------



## SunCMars

Evinrude58 said:


> I think I'd just stay single


These other posters DO make a good case. They really do. I am not as bitter as some others. At least not every day!!

So.......do not marry her. 

So......enjoy her company, her cooking, her oyster.

So......now, you are in the drivers seat. You see her, or you don't. You will have the best of both worlds...for a while.

So......she will use every feminine wile to get her ring back from you. Enjoy her effort....while it lasts. 

So......see her when you get lonely. Seeing your kids would be nice. I love kids...do you?

She threw away your marriage. Let's see if she can muster another dude to haul her ashes with five pretty children in tow. She might find another man. He will not be as good as you.

Keep her as a friend with benefits, nothing more. That is likely what you are to her. Do not tie up your finances with hers. Pay your child support only. Buy the kids gifts if you like. 

Bring groceries over on occasion. Take them all out to eat at some kid friendly restaurant. 

This I guarantee, this women will reward you ten-fold until she gets you to re-marry her. That day need never come. Treat her REALLY NICE.

Again, this is if you really like her. *AND*,if you can pull the plug sometime down-stream. Pull the plug and let her boat sink for good, if she misbehaves.

After a year or two, you may tire of her. Then find another women to make your wife. 

On reflection, this is a better option. This will be the best wake up call for her. 

She dumped you for a rich handsome guy. You string her along for a year or two, never marrying her. At some point in the not so far out future, you tell her goodbye. She will force your hand, anyway.

But, this is bad advice. It will take nerves of steel. If I lightly tap your head with a wrench.....will it go clunk?


----------



## Mr.Fisty

Too much baggage. I would not seriously start a relationship with her because it would complicate things with the kids, she needs help not someone to take advantage of her at this point and I would think you would want a better role model for the kids for her. Give her advice to seek help for herself and her-self worth.

I could never enter a relationship with someone I do not respect nor treat as my equal. This would only damage her further and she would degrade herself to buy your love over the competition. For the sake of you children, and if you deem yourself a decent human being, just end this farce.

She needs help not someone else using her. You do not need the baggage nor to play the white knight. I am not saying there is no chance for a reconciliation, but if that possibility is going to happen, let her heal and seek help. You want the odds that you both hold the tools and have the right personality to make a long-term relationship work.

How are your own issues? Do you get feelings of satisfaction that she would degrade herself for you? Would you rather have this power that you can abuse over her because of her desperation and low self-worth and will you be willing to exasterbate her mental well-being or just be cordial and advise her to seek help so she can be strong role model for the kids?


----------



## Spicy

To answer your question..yes, my aunt divorced my uncle immediately after he had a ONS. A few years later, they remarried and were married until he died. They had a good 40+ years, and three kids.


----------



## Marc878

First of all you should have cut off the contact with her after she left you. 

Reading between the lines she had an affair which you probably never suspected or even thought about. Reading your post I suspect she blameshifted the whole divorce and you like many betrayed spouse swallowed it all.

You seem to be the Mr Nics Guy type who gets walked on, etc.

You need to cut ties with this or you'll just got through this again. 

History repeats its self quite often.

Go your own way and make a life for yourself.

Do yourself a big favor read:
"No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download 
It's a short read and well worth the effort 

I suspect you're just a rebound.

Why would you want to raise OM's three kids?


----------



## sokillme

matador said:


> Our kids have no memory of us ever being together so "trying for the kids" doesn't really apply. We get along right now, if things go south the kids could suffer from a bad co-parent relationship.


Yeah this would seal it for me. Personally I don't think there is anything wrong with just having fun as long as commitment is not implied however because of your kids, which I forgot about in my other post, I wouldn't do it. I think you should hold you head up high and be nice but at a distance just to show her what a mistake she made. I would just tell her it was nice but the more you think about it the more you think it is a bad idea because of the kids, at least this time you get to be the one who breaks it off. You can be the one who got away. That's something.


----------



## sokillme

Spicy said:


> To answer your question..yes, my aunt divorced my uncle immediately after he had a ONS. A few years later, they remarried and were married until he died. They had a good 40+ years, and three kids.


There was no marriage in between, no kids with the person he cheated on her with. That's a bid difference.


----------



## Evinrude58

So enjoy her until she screws up----of you can keep from getting attached. I'd seriously never, ever marry her again. Exactly what would the "vows" be like, anyway?

I think a cheater getting remarried is just despicable. Why even consider yourself worthy of making a vow again? You've proven yourself incapable of keeping it.

Don't. Just don't . Never give her the wife title again. NSA dating.


----------



## x598

are you insane? Leopards don't change their spots. she will just use you again until the next swinging di** comes along.


----------



## Marc878

Matador,

Your wife left you and remarried but you kept hanging on it seems. Hope is a dangerous thing it keeps you bound to where you were.

You can't developed another relationship because your X is still in the mix.

You'll never develope or have a future doing this. You'd be smart to cut all unnecessary contact and stop acting like a puppy waiting for tablescraps.

Do you think any woman is going to respect that long term? You are just a temporary shoulder to cry on.


----------



## Spicy

sokillme said:


> There was no marriage in between, no kids with the person he cheated on her with. That's a bid difference.


That is correct. His question was does reconciliation after divorce ever work out. That is the only instance I know of, and it did work out.


----------



## aine

What makes you think it will work out the second time?

Insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result.


----------



## Openminded

She's never been on her own before. And now with five children to deal with as a single parent. What better person to rescue her than her ex-husband, she thinks, since he's the father of two of the children (and might even help with the other three as well). Don't do it. And stop having sex with her (that only complicates things).


----------



## DepressedDiva

Ehh she left you in 2007 😐 you admit that you weren't the most attentive husband and that your wife was & still is quite attractive. You haven't found a steady woman in 10 years, you're not getting any younger, you and your ex have 2 kids and a history together AND she's not using you for money because she has her own 🤔


----------



## chillymorn69

Shes a skunk.

If you take her back just realise your taking a skunk back.


----------



## Satya

It's your choice, but sticking around with her just so you can hope to pump & dump her and hurt her just shows a man that's still bitter and unable to move on since 2007. That's over 9 years of bitterness, with a revenge plan playing out in your mind. That's no more healthy than her inability to live alone. 

I think you two should only talk business regarding children and stay apart otherwise. You both have some introspection to focus on.


----------



## WasDecimated

Evinrude58 said:


> *I hear getting Back with an ex is like shoving poo back up in your arse.*


Quote of the day!!!:rofl::rofl::rofl:


----------



## arbitrator

*If you do choose to reconcile, then let's just say that you had better grow eyes in the back of your head!*


----------



## jb02157

*Deidre* said:


> She seems like she'd do anything you'd ask of her, because she's auditioning to become your wife again. Once she realizes she isn't going to get that role back, she will stop pretending. It's your life of course, we can only offer opinions, but I'd end this, and move on. If you continue, you'll fall back in love with her again.. people always catch feelings in these situations, when they think it's only about sex.


I agree, she would do anything for you right now either because she is "auditioning" or she just wants a place to be between thrills. I would definitely end it right away and move on. She was bad the first time, don't give her a second chance to screw up your life.


----------



## Cynthia

From what you have shared here, you weren't really that into her and your marriage died because of it. Rather than divorcing you and then starting a new relationship after she had sufficient time to heal, she was swept off her feet while still married to you. She wanted things to work with you and asked you to work on the marriage, but you weren't into her, so she left and went full into a new relationship. Is that correct?

If this is really what happened this way and is not a rewriting of history to minimize her role in the situation, why are you interested in her now? What has changed that makes you want to be with her now when you clearly didn't seem into her at all by the time she finally had enough of being ignored and left? Do you believe you can meet each other's needs now when you didn't in the past? It appears that her ex #2 paid a lot of attention to her and spent a lot of time with her until he found someone else. It sounds like that is very important to her. It probably doesn't matter what you do with her as long as she has your attention and affection, which she didn't have when she left you. She is not going to be happy if you can't give her the time and attention she requires.


----------



## hope4family

Going to go against the grain. Mostly because it's fun, but nobody has talked about it yet. 

Her perspective, which I assume is immature, but truthful perhaps. She tried to work on the brokenness in her marriage with you, it didn't work out because she didn't know how to work on it and there was a guy who put everything on the table including caring for 2 kids not his own. She "traded up" into a life of passion. 

10 years later, she discovers him for what he is, realizes you would have never done this. Perhaps this is her moment of realization that she made mistakes. I wonder, would she agree with you to put marriage off the table, but go to couples counseling to discuss where and why the EA happened? Will you both be willing to put in the hard labor to build trust which really will just barely make it work? 

On a side note, will you on the side work on yourself. You say you are 5"10 and 160 therefore not muscular. I am 5"9 and 153 and often get called athletic even have some women call me bulky in terms of muscle. I do very little, and get rewarded a lot. So get back on the horse, and take care of yourself first. Basically, as one guy talking to another, I call bull**** on your words. You may never be a heavy lifter decked out dude bro, but you can make significant improvement to yourself to where YOU FEEL good. 

To be fair, it's been 10 years. Plenty of time for both people to grow. Someone very close to me, had a wife with an EA, so he countered with an EA, she countered even harder with an EA, he had a PA, obviously on the brink of divorce. Counseling, and a never ending reconciliation later. They are still together. Point is, success does happen and they never logged into the forum and heard the overwhelming presence of "run away".


----------



## Edmund

Won't ex-wife lose her alimony and child support if she re-marries? Also, income tax considerations, filing joint with two high incomes = tax penalty. Just leave status single, live seperately, date other people in additon to each other, go on family outings. Do the new three count as dependants for ex-husband2? Are the 3 younger kids ex-husband2's or did they bring in the 3rd man to breed her?

None of this is my business. But hey, it's just a fictional story anyway.


----------

