# My wife is acting suspicious



## Lost_one37

Okay here goes. I’ve been struggling with this for a while now and I needed a place to get advice. We’ve been together for 4 years, married for almost 2 years. I just turned 29 and my wife is 31.She’s the only the 2nd girl I’ve ever been with while she’s been with several other guys and has had more than a few one night stands/hook ups prior to meeting me and she had always been very flirty but it never bothered me too much because she would always know when to stop and I had no real reason to suspect her of anything.

Problems started 6 months ago when she/my wife would bring up her new friend at work. She would always tell me stories about him and how he’s hooked up with a few of the girls at work, his past conquests, how crazy he is, funny, you get the idea. She also regularly had lunch with him while at work. So far, this is no big deal to me. My wife made a friend and I’m happy for her. I met her friend when he hosted a party at his place. He seemed like an alright guy, but I noticed he was a bit too touchy with my wife. My wife made it seem like that’s just how he is. At one point during the party I had to step in when he was doing this and he just smiled and walked away.

During Memorial Day weekend my wife asked if she could go out with her work friends before heading out to the plans we made for the weekend. I was okay with this since I had work I needed to finish up. I thought she could go hang out with her friends and we could meet up later that night. I tried to contact my wife later that day to find out where/when to meet. She ignored all of my texts and calls. My wife made us have our location enabled on our phones so we can always see where the other person is. I thought it was extreme. I never used it till that day. I happened to check her location that day and found out it was off . Moreover, the word friends who she was supposed to hang out with all posted on IG around that time showing them at another bar far from where my wife said they would be. I continued to call and text my wife but I didn’t hear back from her. She got back to me around 8 pm that night. I questioned her about why she was ignoring my calls and why he wasn't with her work friends. She claimed that she and her friends changed plans last minute and her phone died so that was why she couldn't answer my texts or calls. She stuck to her story and I had nothing else to back my suspicions up so I dropped the subject. 

I’ve noticed she’s being much more secretive with her phone. She’s also turned her location off, I know she’s always texting him, as I would always catch her closing a whatsapp or iMessage window when I would walk by. I’m not sure what to do. I have a strong suspicion that my wife cheated on me but don’t know how to go about it. I’m hoping that this remains a suspicion and nothing more and that I’m completely overreacting and overthinking this. If I'm not, how do I go about finding out?


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## jlg07

Can you hire a PI to follow your wife for a few weeks? They may be able to catch what you cannot.

You can also put some cameras in the house pointing towards where she normally sits and uses her phone (and maybe a VAR or two where she would talk on the phone)?
Also check her phone records.

VERY sorry you are going through this.


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## Lost_one37

What do you mean by PI and VAR, the only VAR, I know has to deal with soccer I'm pretty sure that's not what we are talking about. 

I did try to view her cell phone records but I wasn't able get login but I didn't have the password. I tried forgot my password but it was asking for some info that I didn't have.


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## gr8ful1

Lost_one37 said:


> What do you mean by PI and VAR, the only VAR, I know has to deal with soccer I'm pretty sure that's not what we are talking about.


A “PI” is a Private Investigator. “VAR” is Voice Activated Recorder. Both are good ideas b/c you are correct to be extremely suspicious at this point. Another recommendation: ask to borrow your wife’s phone b/c yours just died and you need to make a call. Watch how she reacts. This is your wife - it should be nothing for one spouse to hand their phone to the other. If she’s very concerned or makes up excuses why she can’t - you basically know at that point. If she does give you her phone, use it for a sec and then “accidentally” hit the lock button. Then say “oops I need your passcode - silly me!”. See how she reacts to that. See if she insists on unlocking it herself instead of simply giving you the numeric code. For anything she refuses to share, ask her why that is? Why does she not trust you with her phone? And if so, what else doesn’t she trust you on? Etc.

Don’t voice your suspicions to her at all just yet. Play dumb. You need to go into stealth detective mode. Never confront until you have hard evidence.

Keep posting. Good luck.


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## QuietRiot

Lost_one37 said:


> Okay here goes. I’ve been struggling with this for a while now and I needed a place to get advice. We’ve been together for 4 years, married for almost 2 years. I just turned 29 and my wife is 31.She’s the only the 2nd girl I’ve ever been with while she’s been with several other guys and has had more than a few one night stands/hook ups prior to meeting me and she had always been very flirty but it never bothered me too much because she would always know when to stop and I had no real reason to suspect her of anything.
> 
> Problems started 6 months ago when she/my wife would bring up her new friend at work. She would always tell me stories about him and how he’s hooked up with a few of the girls at work, his past conquests, how crazy he is, funny, you get the idea. She also regularly had lunch with him while at work. So far, this is no big deal to me. My wife made a friend and I’m happy for her. I met her friend when he hosted a party at his place. He seemed like an alright guy, but I noticed he was a bit too touchy with my wife. My wife made it seem like that’s just how he is. At one point during the party I had to step in when he was doing this and he just smiled and walked away.
> 
> During Memorial Day weekend my wife asked if she could go out with her work friends before heading out to the plans we made for the weekend. I was okay with this since I had work I needed to finish up. I thought she could go hang out with her friends and we could meet up later that night. I tried to contact my wife later that day to find out where/when to meet. She ignored all of my texts and calls. My wife made us have our location enabled on our phones so we can always see where the other person is. I thought it was extreme. I never used it till that day. I happened to check her location that day and found out it was off . Moreover, the word friends who she was supposed to hang out with all posted on IG around that time showing them at another bar far from where my wife said they would be. I continued to call and text my wife but I didn’t hear back from her. She got back to me around 8 pm that night. I questioned her about why she was ignoring my calls and why he wasn't with her work friends. She claimed that she and her friends changed plans last minute and her phone died so that was why she couldn't answer my texts or calls. She stuck to her story and I had nothing else to back my suspicions up so I dropped the subject.
> 
> I’ve noticed she’s being much more secretive with her phone. She’s also turned her location off, I know she’s always texting him, as I would always catch her closing a whatsapp or iMessage window when I would walk by. I’m not sure what to do. I have a strong suspicion that my wife cheated on me but don’t know how to go about it. I’m hoping that this remains a suspicion and nothing more and that I’m completely overreacting and overthinking this. If I'm not, how do I go about finding out?


Yes this bad. Do not confront her, do not act suspiciously and start reading threads here, learn to a) gather evidence, (PI and VAR etc. as stated above) because you won’t get the truth from her no matter what she’s doing and b) figure out exactly what you’re going to do when you find out. Groveling and crying and screaming Whyyyyyy!!?!? Is what you will do if you do not plan and it doesn’t help at all, (speaking from experience) it makes things worse when they are in the high of the affair. 

You will need to decide what your end game is if she is having an affair (and it’s VERY likely she is with her “friend” at work). You will need to plan to act quickly and decisively when the evidence comes out.

Do you have kids? Is he married with kids?


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## VladDracul

You can put a GPS tracker in her car.


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## TBT

Did you ever ask her why she was having so many lunches with him, and how she knew so much about his past conquests and hookups with a few girls at her work?


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## Tested_by_stress

Where there's smoke, there's fire . The tracker and VAR are a very good idea in this case.


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## Evinrude58

You have two choices:

1) beg and plead for her to stay. She won’t. She will only stay if the other guy won’t take her, but he will still accept the sex which is likely all he wants. The harder you chase and beg, the farther she will run. She doesn’t love you. I’m sorry.

2) file for divorce, ask her to leave. you already know she’s cheating and with another man. He smiled in your face after having his hands on your wife right in front of you. Her phone didn’t die, and a computer glitch didn’t turn off location. She’s cheating. Plain and simple.
Divorce and move on with your life.

I know both options will be painful, and right now the second option is the most painful. But option 2 is by far then least painful.

I’m sorry. Your marriage is over and you just can’t accept it....... yet.

A couple of years from now you’ll thank yourself if you choose option 2.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Lost_one37 said:


> Okay here goes. I’ve been struggling with this for a while now and I needed a place to get advice. We’ve been together for 4 years, married for almost 2 years. I just turned 29 and my wife is 31.She’s the only the 2nd girl I’ve ever been with while she’s been with several other guys and has had more than a few one night stands/hook ups prior to meeting me and she had always been very flirty but it never bothered me too much because she would always know when to stop and I had no real reason to suspect her of anything.
> 
> Problems started 6 months ago when she/my wife would bring up her new friend at work. She would always tell me stories about him and how he’s hooked up with a few of the girls at work, his past conquests, how crazy he is, funny, you get the idea. She also regularly had lunch with him while at work. So far, this is no big deal to me. My wife made a friend and I’m happy for her. I met her friend when he hosted a party at his place. He seemed like an alright guy, but I noticed he was a bit too touchy with my wife. My wife made it seem like that’s just how he is. At one point during the party I had to step in when he was doing this and he just smiled and walked away.
> 
> During Memorial Day weekend my wife asked if she could go out with her work friends before heading out to the plans we made for the weekend. I was okay with this since I had work I needed to finish up. I thought she could go hang out with her friends and we could meet up later that night. I tried to contact my wife later that day to find out where/when to meet. She ignored all of my texts and calls. My wife made us have our location enabled on our phones so we can always see where the other person is. I thought it was extreme. I never used it till that day. I happened to check her location that day and found out it was off . Moreover, the word friends who she was supposed to hang out with all posted on IG around that time showing them at another bar far from where my wife said they would be. I continued to call and text my wife but I didn’t hear back from her. She got back to me around 8 pm that night. I questioned her about why she was ignoring my calls and why he wasn't with her work friends. She claimed that she and her friends changed plans last minute and her phone died so that was why she couldn't answer my texts or calls. She stuck to her story and I had nothing else to back my suspicions up so I dropped the subject.
> 
> I’ve noticed she’s being much more secretive with her phone. She’s also turned her location off, I know she’s always texting him, as I would always catch her closing a whatsapp or iMessage window when I would walk by. I’m not sure what to do. I have a strong suspicion that my wife cheated on me but don’t know how to go about it. I’m hoping that this remains a suspicion and nothing more and that I’m completely overreacting and overthinking this. If I'm not, how do I go about finding out?


You know damn good and well something is going on. Bust this **** up pronto! Grab her damn phone and snoop it ASAP! She is screwing her work buddy.

Do not confront until you have solid evidence. Confront too soon you may never have your answer.

I bet her work friends know what is transpiring. Do not do the pick me dance when you talk to her. Just let her know her behavior is unacceptable and you need her to move out so you can move on. Show weakness she loses respect. Show strength she knows you mean business.


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## BigDaddyNY

Lost_one37 said:


> Okay here goes. I’ve been struggling with this for a while now and I needed a place to get advice. We’ve been together for 4 years, married for almost 2 years. I just turned 29 and my wife is 31.She’s the only the 2nd girl I’ve ever been with while she’s been with several other guys and has had more than a few one night stands/hook ups prior to meeting me and she had always been very flirty but it never bothered me too much because she would always know when to stop and I had no real reason to suspect her of anything.
> 
> Problems started 6 months ago when she/my wife would bring up her new friend at work. She would always tell me stories about him and how he’s hooked up with a few of the girls at work, his past conquests, how crazy he is, funny, you get the idea. She also regularly had lunch with him while at work. So far, this is no big deal to me. My wife made a friend and I’m happy for her. I met her friend when he hosted a party at his place. He seemed like an alright guy, but I noticed he was a bit too touchy with my wife. My wife made it seem like that’s just how he is. At one point during the party I had to step in when he was doing this and he just smiled and walked away.
> 
> During Memorial Day weekend my wife asked if she could go out with her work friends before heading out to the plans we made for the weekend. I was okay with this since I had work I needed to finish up. I thought she could go hang out with her friends and we could meet up later that night. I tried to contact my wife later that day to find out where/when to meet. She ignored all of my texts and calls. My wife made us have our location enabled on our phones so we can always see where the other person is. I thought it was extreme. I never used it till that day. I happened to check her location that day and found out it was off . Moreover, the word friends who she was supposed to hang out with all posted on IG around that time showing them at another bar far from where my wife said they would be. I continued to call and text my wife but I didn’t hear back from her. She got back to me around 8 pm that night. I questioned her about why she was ignoring my calls and why he wasn't with her work friends. She claimed that she and her friends changed plans last minute and her phone died so that was why she couldn't answer my texts or calls. She stuck to her story and I had nothing else to back my suspicions up so I dropped the subject.
> 
> I’ve noticed she’s being much more secretive with her phone. She’s also turned her location off, I know she’s always texting him, as I would always catch her closing a whatsapp or iMessage window when I would walk by. I’m not sure what to do. I have a strong suspicion that my wife cheated on me but don’t know how to go about it. I’m hoping that this remains a suspicion and nothing more and that I’m completely overreacting and overthinking this. If I'm not, how do I go about finding out?


It probably already too late, but none of this behavior is acceptable. She is obviously lying. 

She shouldn't be going on multiple solo lunches with this guy. 
She speaks as if she is enamored by him. 
He is touchy feely with her right in front of you. 
She texts/messages him all the time and she quickly hides it.
She turned off location tracking and disappeared for hours

Unless she is willing to turn tracking back on and let you have free access to her phone, she is cheating.


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## TJW

Lost_one37 said:


> If I'm not, how do I go about finding out?


I am "with" the others here. Except I want to present to you another facet of your situation which has basically been suggested by @Evinrude58 .

My take on this is that there is nothing further to "find out". You already know. No more effort is required, no PI, no snooping, no phone access. All these things will present you with more knowledge, most of which will only serve to hurt you more.

File for divorce, now. If your wife really wants her marriage, then she can provide the actions which prove it. Tell her ...."....it's called counseling, Barnes and Noble, Focus on the Family...start in any of those places. Learn what to do, and do it, NOW, if you want to save your marriage.....".

You are not the one committing adultery. You are not the one who is a liar and a cheater. You have to make ABSOLUTELY NO CHANGE in yourself. You can continue in your marriage, if your wife is willing to restore it. And, it will be entirely appropriate, AFTER the cheating stops for a couple of years, if you are still together, to work on marital issues. 
Right now, her cheating is the wheel squeaking very loud. Her adultery is so egregious that it is priority 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5. It is HER who needs to "drive"....not you....... All of her complaints about you are to be silenced, for now, until all this **** is over. Your faults are the "mote", her's is the "beam".


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## Lost_one37

I thought about hiring Private Investigator but they cost a few hundred an hour. I don’t feel like it’s a good idea to spend that much money. Plus some of the reviews I read they don’t seem worth it.

I like the VAR idea, the only problem I see is that VAR yields the best results when placed in the persons car. My wife doesn’t really use her car. She Ubers to work every day and when she goes out she also uses Uber. The only time she takes her car out is to run errands which is a handful of times a week. I could try our bedroom but I don’t see much success in doing so.

My wife and I got into this morning. I thought the both of us made plans for today around 11 this morning she tells me she has made plans for brunch with her friends. I was pissed cause she was the one that made the plans in the first place. We argued for about 30 min, that the end she decided to go with her friends. Her excuse was the plans she made for us weren’t for later today and her brunch with her friends was going to make a difference since she would be back before 2:30. She’s constantly doing things like this. She created her own set of rules that I have to follow because that’s what she believes a married man is supposed do/act. Yet she does everything I’m not not “allowed” to do.


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## DownByTheRiver

Ever try the direct approach: Melissa, I've become worried about some of your habits and behavior I find suspicious and if we have a problem in our marriage, I'd like to be the first one to know and not the last.


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## Lost_one37

VladDracul Her car is in my name so I'm able to view the GPS system online. It hasn't shown much but I will continue to check it. 

QuietRiot No kids yet. As of now I don't know what his relationship status is. If I had to guess I would say he's single.


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## Lost_one37

DownByTheRiver

I have, she flipped on me and made it seem like I was crazy and that it only seemed like she was going out a lot because the whole pandemic was almost over.


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## Prodigal

Lost_one37 said:


> She created her own set of rules that I have to follow because that’s what she believes a married man is supposed do/act. Yet she does everything I’m not not “allowed” to do.


Let me weigh in as a woman here: WTF??????? My god, man, please locate your sex organs! And don't blame her for this. YOU are permitting her to order you around. This borders on the downright pathetic. 

She's playing slap-and-tickle with another man and you are whining about her "rules." C'mon ... man up like yesterday and put an end to this nonsense. My guess is she's screwing this guy during "brunch."

Please get justifiably enraged and quit letting her set the "rules." Jeesh!


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## Marc878

Lost_one37 said:


> DownByTheRiver
> 
> I have, she flipped on me and made it seem like I was crazy and that it only seemed like she was going out a lot because the whole pandemic was almost over.


Typical response. Wasting your time with that approach.


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## Marc878

VAR in her car is probably the best under your circumstances (get a Sony with good batteries and Velcro it under the seat or dash and read up how to use it) unless you can afford a PI. 

Talk will get you nothing as you’ve seen.

Go full force. Standing around flat footed in these situations will just keep you in Limbo. Only you will keep yourself where you’re at. No one else has that power over you unless you give it to them.


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## Jeffsmith35

Go quiet, then demand to see her phone at a random time and look carefully at everything - call logs, texts, whatsapp, snapchat, kik, etc. If she refuses, you know filing divorce is the next step.


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## Marc878

Jeffsmith35 said:


> Go quiet, then demand to see her phone at a random time and look carefully at everything - call logs, texts, whatsapp, snapchat, kik, etc. If she refuses, you know filing divorce is the next step.


You can go online and check your phone bill. That may give you some information. I doubt the way she’s acting you’ll get much cooperation from her.

IMO mouth shut, eyes and ears open.


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## Twodecades

The thing that's good about evidence is that it can keep you from rug sweeping. It can be hard to let go of a person you love and a relationship you've invested in, and after a while you may begin to question if it was really as bad as you already knew it was, intellectually speaking. But emotions can become really confusing. Having evidence not only helps keep you linked to reality, but it also keeps a wayward spouse from trying to gaslight you into rug sweeping. Some people also feel that forgiveness is necessary, regardless of reconciliation, for your own emotional health. It's difficult to forgive if you don't know what you're forgiving. Though, admittedly, gritty details have the ability to haunt and can cause trauma that needs to be dealt with.

Who is the super poster around here who provides advice/links to gather evidence about suspecting infidelity? @QuietRiot @VladDracul @No Longer Lonely Husband, do you know who I'm talking about? I can picture his avatar but for the life of me I can't remember his name...


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## Evinrude58

You don’t have kids. Send her cheating ass packing. Any and all things you discuss about her is wasted energy you should be using on getting free and talking to an attorney.
She’s cheating with Fred from work. All you had to do was flow her to brunch and you’d see her with Fred. Do you need to see her screwing Fred before you decide to divorce?
This woman is not marriage material and you know it. Please, please, please don’t get her pregnant.


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## jlg07

Lost_one37 said:


> I don’t feel like it’s a good idea to spend that much money. Plus some of the reviews I read they don’t seem worth it.


How much is your piece of mind worth? Maybe some of the ones you researched aren't that great with the reviews. Find one who is. I bet that you can do a week, around lunch time, and you will find out what you need. Do you have friends or family that could check out what she is doing (or YOU borrow someones car to follow her around for a day or two?).
You may want to consider getting some small cameras around the house to record/view what she is doing.
PLEASE check her phone records. See if there are any unknown numbers to you -- be aware that she MAY use a woman's name to "hide" a guy, so....



Lost_one37 said:


> Her excuse was the plans she made for us weren’t for later today and her brunch with her friends was going to make a difference since she would be back before 2:30. She’s constantly doing things like this. She created her own set of rules that I have to follow because that’s what she believes a married man is supposed do/act. Yet she does everything I’m not not “allowed” to do.


So, start doing what YOU want and ignore what she is doing. YOU go out WHEN YOU WANT TO, regardless of what she wants. Do your own thing. Show her that YOU are fine living without her. DO NOT accept her "allowing you" to do something. It's YOUR life, not hers to control. This is just manipulation on her part.
Any way to verify she was actually WITH those friends that she had brunch with?


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## GusPolinski

Lost_one37 said:


> Okay here goes. I’ve been struggling with this for a while now and I needed a place to get advice. We’ve been together for 4 years, married for almost 2 years. I just turned 29 and my wife is 31.She’s the only the 2nd girl I’ve ever been with while she’s been with several other guys and has had more than a few one night stands/hook ups prior to meeting me and she had always been very flirty but it never bothered me too much because she would always know when to stop and I had no real reason to suspect her of anything.
> 
> Problems started 6 months ago when she/my wife would bring up her new friend at work. She would always tell me stories about him and how he’s hooked up with a few of the girls at work, his past conquests, how crazy he is, funny, you get the idea. She also regularly had lunch with him while at work. So far, this is no big deal to me. My wife made a friend and I’m happy for her. I met her friend when he hosted a party at his place. He seemed like an alright guy, but I noticed he was a bit too touchy with my wife. My wife made it seem like that’s just how he is. At one point during the party I had to step in when he was doing this and he just smiled and walked away.
> 
> During Memorial Day weekend my wife asked if she could go out with her work friends before heading out to the plans we made for the weekend. I was okay with this since I had work I needed to finish up. I thought she could go hang out with her friends and we could meet up later that night. I tried to contact my wife later that day to find out where/when to meet. She ignored all of my texts and calls. My wife made us have our location enabled on our phones so we can always see where the other person is. I thought it was extreme. I never used it till that day. I happened to check her location that day and found out it was off . Moreover, the word friends who she was supposed to hang out with all posted on IG around that time showing them at another bar far from where my wife said they would be. I continued to call and text my wife but I didn’t hear back from her. She got back to me around 8 pm that night. I questioned her about why she was ignoring my calls and why he wasn't with her work friends. She claimed that she and her friends changed plans last minute and her phone died so that was why she couldn't answer my texts or calls. She stuck to her story and I had nothing else to back my suspicions up so I dropped the subject.
> 
> I’ve noticed she’s being much more secretive with her phone. She’s also turned her location off, I know she’s always texting him, as I would always catch her closing a whatsapp or iMessage window when I would walk by. I’m not sure what to do. I have a strong suspicion that my wife cheated on me but don’t know how to go about it. I’m hoping that this remains a suspicion and nothing more and that I’m completely overreacting and overthinking this. If I'm not, how do I go about finding out?


You’ve been married for less than two years, have no kids, and it’s clear that your wife is cheating.

My advice would be that you cut your losses and file for divorce first thing Monday morning.

Of course you’re not going to do this, but give it five years and a kid or two and you’ll sure wish you had.


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## Twodecades

@Lost_one37, this is the link I was trying to find that's shared around here a lot:









Standard Evidence Post


VARs and Evidence Gathering The usual disclaimer of reverse the sexes if necessary, we get mostly betrayed husbands here. Do your legal research etc. Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the...




talkaboutmarriage.com


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## QuietRiot

Lost_one37 said:


> I thought about hiring Private Investigator but they cost a few hundred an hour. I don’t feel like it’s a good idea to spend that much money. Plus some of the reviews I read they don’t seem worth it.
> 
> I like the VAR idea, the only problem I see is that VAR yields the best results when placed in the persons car. My wife doesn’t really use her car. She Ubers to work every day and when she goes out she also uses Uber. The only time she takes her car out is to run errands which is a handful of times a week. I could try our bedroom but I don’t see much success in doing so.
> 
> My wife and I got into this morning. I thought the both of us made plans for today around 11 this morning she tells me she has made plans for brunch with her friends. I was pissed cause she was the one that made the plans in the first place. We argued for about 30 min, that the end she decided to go with her friends. Her excuse was the plans she made for us weren’t for later today and her brunch with her friends was going to make a difference since she would be back before 2:30. She’s constantly doing things like this. She created her own set of rules that I have to follow because that’s what she believes a married man is supposed do/act. Yet she does everything I’m not not “allowed” to do.


Well this would have been a great moment to say “Oh really? I must have forgotten about your brunch, no problem!” And then follow her to brunch and watch. Or, show up a few minutes later to where your GPS says her car is and watch. See who she walks In and out of the restaurant with, or if she even goes in, maybe she gets in another persons car instead.

Stop trying to argue with her. Shut up and watch her every move, spy, follow, sneak, whatever. You’ll get what you’re after pretty quick. It doesn’t seem like you want to though…


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## Robert22205

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. And every spouse has an obligation to avoid suspicious behavior. 

Your wife failed big time. She's married and doesn't get to act like a single women. She owes an explanation for the other night (where and with who - and you need to verify she's telling the truth). And she needs to hand over her phone (on the spot) with the understanding that if she refuses the marriage ends on that note - and there's not going back or handing you a phone wiped clean of texts.

If she's interested in staying married, it's an easy fix - you're not asking anything unreasonable. People with nothing to hide, hide nothing. On the other hand, if she's cheating she will bluster, yell and accuse you of being jealous and controlling. 

Your response: I'm sorry you feel that way but if you want to stay married you need to stop acting like a single woman (explain where you were the other night and hand over the phone right now).


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## Al_Bundy

A good spouse doesn't have lunch with the workplace toy. Some of this might be lack of experience on your part (being happy about her having a new male friend) and as others have said read up on this forum. 

You said a PI is expensive, so is a cheating wife. If you have a state where you can file an at fault divorce it might pay you back financially in the divorce. Plus, it cuts out all the bs. Don't be cheap. You're old enough where a few hundred bucks shouldn't be nothing.


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## oldshirt

I had an ex GF (emphasis on “EX”) that was exactly like your W - always going out with “friends”, often breaking plans with me and never including me in any of these these outings and always making excuses for why she was never where she said she was going to be and never with who she said she was going with.

The final straw came one night we had plans for going to her graduation banquet for a training program she was in. We were getting dressed up and ready to go to the banquet and she basically warned me that she would be spending a lot of time with her “friends” that night and that they would probably go out afterwards.

I came right out and asked her - “am I not one of your friends anymore?” ....

...... crickets 🦗

She was speechless and just stood there with a stupid blank stare. Her silence was deafening and told me everything I needed to know.

I told her congratulations on her graduation and to have fun and then I went and changed back into my comfy jeans and T-shirt and went on about my business while she finished her make up and left. 

When she got back at in the wee hours of the night, the look on her face told me everything else I needed to know and I said I knew where I stand and that we both knew it was over. ....she did not argue or protest. We were done. 

The key point you need to grasp here that I think you’re overlooking is that you may not have documentable proof of another man’s penis entering her vagina. You may never get that.

But there is clear, bright, neon writing on the wall that she is living the single life without you and not including you in her life.

You are the guy that helps pay the rent and mows the lawn and kills spiders around the house. 

Her fun and personal life and social life is separate from you and does not include you. 

If she hasn’t had actual intercourse with this guy yet (she probably HAS, otherwise he wouldn’t still be hanging around) but supposing she hasn’t yet, it’s days if not even hours away. 

She has already detached from you and is living her own life without you.

I am sorry.


----------



## oldshirt

oldshirt said:


> I had an ex GF (emphasis on “EX”) that was exactly like your W - always going out with “friends”, often breaking plans with me and never including me in any of these these outings and always making excuses for why she was never where she said she was going to be and never with who she said she was going with.
> 
> The final straw came one night we had plans for going to graduation banquet for a training program she was in. We were getting dressed up and ready to go to the banquet and she basically warned me that she would be spending a lot of time with her “friends” that night and that they would probably go out afterwards.
> 
> I came right out and asked her - “am I not one of your friends anymore?” .......... crickets 🦗
> 
> She was speechless and just stood there with a stupid blank stare. Her silence was deafening and told me everything I needed to know.
> 
> I told her congratulations on her graduation and to have and then I went and changed back into my comfy jeans and T-shirt and went on about my business while she finished her make up and left.
> 
> When she got back at in the wee hours of the night, the look on her face told me everything else I needed to know and I said I knew where I stand and that we both knew it was over. ....she did not argue or protest. We were done.
> 
> The key point you need to grasp here that I think you’re overlooking is that you may not have documentable proof of another man’s penis entering her vagina. You may never get that.
> 
> But there is clear, bright, neon writing on the wall that she is living the single life without you and not including you in her life.
> 
> You are the guy that helps pay the rent and mows the lawn and kills spiders around the house.
> 
> Her fun and personal life and social life is separate from you and does not include you.
> 
> If she hasn’t had actual intercourse with this guy yet (she probably HAS, otherwise he wouldn’t still be hanging around) but supposing she hasn’t yet, it’s days if not even hours away.
> 
> She has already detached from you and is living her own life without you.
> 
> I am sorry.


Oh yeah I forgot to mention - in the months following our break up, many things started coming to light on just how much she was screwing around and how many of these “friends” she was banging.

And this graduation I mentioned - yeah, I also found out after the fact that she came very close to being kicked out of the whole program because she got caught banging some guy at the job site during her internship. 

At the time she was under investigation, she did give me a little heads up that she had got called into the office because there had been a complaint that some of the people had been goofing around and making too much ‘noise.’

I guess I now know what kind of ‘noise’ she was making LOL

I was naive and trusting while it was going on and she and her cronies covered their tracks well. 

I’m sure I still only know the tip of the iceberg, but I did see the light of what was going on in the end.


----------



## Evinrude58

Divorce your wife now or pay a price which amounts to the rest of your life. You still have time to find a decent woman. They get taken fast. Yours will get worse not better.


----------



## Evinrude58

oldshirt said:


> I had an ex GF (emphasis on “EX”) that was exactly like your W - always going out with “friends”, often breaking plans with me and never including me in any of these these outings and always making excuses for why she was never where she said she was going to be and never with who she said she was going with.
> 
> The final straw came one night we had plans for going to graduation banquet for a training program she was in. We were getting dressed up and ready to go to the banquet and she basically warned me that she would be spending a lot of time with her “friends” that night and that they would probably go out afterwards.
> 
> I came right out and asked her - “am I not one of your friends anymore?” .......... crickets 🦗
> 
> She was speechless and just stood there with a stupid blank stare. Her silence was deafening and told me everything I needed to know.
> 
> I told her congratulations on her graduation and to have and then I went and changed back into my comfy jeans and T-shirt and went on about my business while she finished her make up and left.
> 
> When she got back at in the wee hours of the night, the look on her face told me everything else I needed to know and I said I knew where I stand and that we both knew it was over. ....she did not argue or protest. We were done.
> 
> The key point you need to grasp here that I think you’re overlooking is that you may not have documentable proof of another man’s penis entering her vagina. You may never get that.
> 
> But there is clear, bright, neon writing on the wall that she is living the single life without you and not including you in her life.
> 
> You are the guy that helps pay the rent and mows the lawn and kills spiders around the house.
> 
> Her fun and personal life and social life is separate from you and does not include you.
> 
> If she hasn’t had actual intercourse with this guy yet (she probably HAS, otherwise he wouldn’t still be hanging around) but supposing she hasn’t yet, it’s days if not even hours away.
> 
> She has already detached from you and is living her own life without you.
> 
> I am sorry.


Your post was profound. Every spouse that comes here with anything in the ballpark of infidelity should read this. Thanks.


----------



## Twodecades

Evinrude58 said:


> Please, please, please don’t get her pregnant.


Wise advice. Be aware that if she wakes up and realizes she's ruined a good thing, she could see a baby as her Hail Mary. If you're having sex with her, do not leave the birth control up to her. Also, consider getting tested for STDs.


----------



## oldshirt

I also agree 100% not to get her pregnant. 

The chances are about 99.9999% that this other dude does not want her full time. If she is faced with the possibility of being divorced and then finds out he’s only wanting some NSA poon out of the deal, she may choose the nuclear option and use sex and “accidentally “ getting pregnant to Hoover you back in. 

There is also a phenomenon called “Hysterical Bonding” where once an infidelity is discovered , the couple enters a phase where they go at it like rabbits for a couple weeks. It is a primal drive to reclaim their mate. 

She may covertly go off birth control to get knocked up to try to trap you in the marriage. 

I also have to warn that it is not all that rare that a woman will get knocked up by the OM and then suddenly have a surge of sexual activity with the BH to cuckold the BH into raising and supporting the OM’s offspring. 

This can be a legal and financial nightmare for the BH because in some legal jurisdictions, the husband is financially responsible for the financial support of the child even if it is proven by DNA testing that the child is not biologically his. 

The courts often consider the child the product of the marriage and not the product of biological DNA.


----------



## oldshirt

Twodecades said:


> Also, consider getting tested for STDs.


We often see the BS being advised to get tested for STI/STD. 

I think if the WS wants to remain in the marital home and the marriage, then they should be the one to make the appointment and they should be getting needles stuck in their arms and Q-tips shoved up their parts as a condition for remaining in the marriage.


----------



## Twodecades

oldshirt said:


> We often see the BS being advised to get tested for STI/STD.
> 
> I think if the WS wants to remain in the marital home and the marriage, then they should be the one to make the appointment and they should be getting needles stuck in their arms and Q-tips shoved up their parts as a condition for remaining in the marriage.


Getting himself tested is to protect HIM. He should not depend on her to get tested to protect him.


----------



## RandomDude

oldshirt said:


> The key point you need to grasp here that I think you’re overlooking is that you may not have documentable proof of another man’s penis entering her vagina. You may never get that.
> But there is clear, bright, neon writing on the wall that *she is living the single life without you and not including you in her life.*
> You are the guy that helps pay the rent and mows the lawn and kills spiders around the house.
> *Her fun and personal life and social life is separate from you and does not include you.*
> If she hasn’t had actual intercourse with this guy yet (she probably HAS, otherwise he wouldn’t still be hanging around) but supposing she hasn’t yet, it’s days if not even hours away.
> *She has already detached from you and is living her own life without you.*
> I am sorry.


This, exactly.

Thread is a no-brainer, just hope OP gets out before it's too late. 
But you know how it goes most of the time...


----------



## oldshirt

Twodecades said:


> Getting himself tested is to protect HIM. He should not depend on her to get tested to protect him.


I know.

It’s just the point that why should the BS have to endure the indignities of getting poked with needles and swabs stuck up their junk when it was the other that put them in that predicament.


----------



## NTA

It used to be that if you dropped an email address into a search bar, you could get a lot of links on that person. Since it's free, it's still worth trying. Be careful of what your search box retains. Pipl.com was good. But now it has paywall.

There is also spyware. The kind I'm familiar with is that you load it on a computer that she uses and then you receive e-mails with all of her keystrokes. If there's communal laptop in your home, this is the time to be mum about your intentions and what you know already.

Try to load up with info, it minimizes your PI bills.


----------



## Twodecades

oldshirt said:


> I know.
> 
> It’s just the point that why should the BS have to endure the indignities of getting poked with needles and swabs stuck up their junk when it was the other that put them in that predicament.


Indeed. And add that to the list of unfair consequences the betrayed spouse gets to endure because the person they trusted most betrayed them:

-Lack of appetite/unhealthy weight loss 
-Weakened immune system 
-Insomnia 
-Nightmares 
-Crushed self-esteem 
-Sudden doubt of their own judgement 
-Triggers that come from out of nowhere
-Mind movies 
-STDs 
-Distrust of the opposite sex without cause 
-Isolation 
-Blame from others for "driving WS to cheating"
-Watching their children suffer 
-Anxiety that there is always another shoe waiting to drop
-Holidays that once brought joy and now remind them of better times 
-Costs of lawyers, counseling 
-Decrease in assets and overall wealth 
-Job performance issues 

Those are just off the top of my head. I'm sure others could add more.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

Robert22205 said:


> Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. And every spouse has an obligation to avoid suspicious behavior.
> 
> Your wife failed big time. She's married and doesn't get to act like a single women. She owes an explanation for the other night (where and with who - and you need to verify she's telling the truth). And she needs to hand over her phone (on the spot) with the understanding that if she refuses the marriage ends on that note - and there's not going back or handing you a phone wiped clean of texts.
> 
> If she's interested in staying married, it's an easy fix - you're not asking anything unreasonable. People with nothing to hide, hide nothing. On the other hand, if she's cheating she will bluster, yell and accuse you of being jealous and controlling.
> 
> Your response: I'm sorry you feel that way but if you want to stay married you need to stop acting like a single woman (explain where you were the other night and hand over the phone right now).


just grab her damn phone and see if she goes batshit crazy. Then you will have your answer


----------



## Willnotbill

Lost_one37 said:


> I thought about hiring Private Investigator but they cost a few hundred an hour. I don’t feel like it’s a good idea to spend that much money. Plus some of the reviews I read they don’t seem worth it.


Its been a while for me but a PI is worth every cent. They have the tools and ability the most of us do not have.


----------



## NTA

Get a PI who can do digital searching.


----------



## PortuguesMan

No


Lost_one37 said:


> Okay here goes. I’ve been struggling with this for a while now and I needed a place to get advice. We’ve been together for 4 years, married for almost 2 years. I just turned 29 and my wife is 31.She’s the only the 2nd girl I’ve ever been with while she’s been with several other guys and has had more than a few one night stands/hook ups prior to meeting me and she had always been very flirty but it never bothered me too much because she would always know when to stop and I had no real reason to suspect her of anything.
> 
> Problems started 6 months ago when she/my wife would bring up her new friend at work. She would always tell me stories about him and how he’s hooked up with a few of the girls at work, his past conquests, how crazy he is, funny, you get the idea. She also regularly had lunch with him while at work. So far, this is no big deal to me. My wife made a friend and I’m happy for her. I met her friend when he hosted a party at his place. He seemed like an alright guy, but I noticed he was a bit too touchy with my wife. My wife made it seem like that’s just how he is. At one point during the party I had to step in when he was doing this and he just smiled and walked away.
> 
> During Memorial Day weekend my wife asked if she could go out with her work friends before heading out to the plans we made for the weekend. I was okay with this since I had work I needed to finish up. I thought she could go hang out with her friends and we could meet up later that night. I tried to contact my wife later that day to find out where/when to meet. She ignored all of my texts and calls. My wife made us have our location enabled on our phones so we can always see where the other person is. I thought it was extreme. I never used it till that day. I happened to check her location that day and found out it was off . Moreover, the word friends who she was supposed to hang out with all posted on IG around that time showing them at another bar far from where my wife said they would be. I continued to call and text my wife but I didn’t hear back from her. She got back to me around 8 pm that night. I questioned her about why she was ignoring my calls and why he wasn't with her work friends. She claimed that she and her friends changed plans last minute and her phone died so that was why she couldn't answer my texts or calls. She stuck to her story and I had nothing else to back my suspicions up so I dropped the subject.
> 
> I’ve noticed she’s being much more secretive with her phone. She’s also turned her location off, I know she’s always texting him, as I would always catch her closing a whatsapp or iMessage window when I would walk by. I’m not sure what to do. I have a strong suspicion that my wife cheated on me but don’t know how to go about it. I’m hoping that this remains a suspicion and nothing more and that I’m completely overreacting and overthinking this. If I'm not, how do I go about finding out?


Sorry for your situatuon

I already has been in your position in the past
2 things to say

Always follow your gut 

And before you have solid proof, you doesn't have nothing and your wife it's innocent 

I passed through a really messy situation with my wife, she change in all the aspects, stopped all sexual, emotional and even to speak to me like a wife..

I tried to speak up about that, informed her of her behavior, I very calmmaly tried to have some information because we was together for more than 15 year, so I knew about her normal behavior. 

And even tried to have some answer and talk to her about if she was not in love nymore, or if she wanna divorce, or if she has some crush in some one, talk about it with me, I love her to much, but I not pretend to be a obstacle if she wanna a divorce. 

She acted very offended and tried to make my like a crazy obessesed husband. 

OK talk... Tried to have a normal talk to have the truth was ineffective 

I decided I will find the real reason... 

My wife cells phones and mine was the some model we use the same cephone account linked and I have all the password and managed our share cell phone account, I deactived the sin card of her cell phone, she tried fix it for her self... And she asked for help

I fix it and add a spy app, that app recorded all the text, all the info, all the photo and even record all the calls... 

It last only 1 night to have some proofs... Was very explicit but not incriminating the affair


Só I made a risk move.. In the morning I was on the couch, prepare to work with my best tuxedo... I waiting she she woke up... 

Ask very informal way... What's? 

I made the question.... Who is johbdoe? 

She instantly become white... I
And I informed show in her the last log of Instagram direct and inform I have all you conversation with him on direct... (the real fact I just have 1...but I showed to here in my cell phone the last conversation) 

After that... She could not denies anything


----------



## frenchpaddy

the thing is it looks to you that she is getting ready to try out this other guy in bed , you can push her into his arms or you can pull her back , I think the best thing is to talk with your heart and ask her every question you think you can without pushing her away , 
she might be just playing with the idea of cheating with him for the fun or for to make you take notice , play games can go to far as so can pointing the finger , and not trusting her can push her away , so PI and other spying is wrong as wrong a cheating one can bring on the other , the best thing is to talk and show her you are worth it and not just a fling , what was your response when she told you about this work mate and his gaming with sex and other womens feelings did you point out his actions are not good and this type man only wants to use women


----------



## Tatsuhiko

frenchpaddy said:


> the thing is it looks to you that she is getting ready to try out this other guy in bed , you can push her into his arms or you can pull her back , I think the best thing is to talk with your heart and ask her every question you think you can without pushing her away ,
> she might be just playing with the idea of cheating with him for the fun or for to make you take notice , play games can go to far as so can pointing the finger , and not trusting her can push her away , so PI and other spying is wrong as wrong a cheating one can bring on the other , the best thing is to talk and show her you are worth it and not just a fling , what was your response when she told you about this work mate and his gaming with sex and other womens feelings did you point out his actions are not good and this type man only wants to use women


Sorry, this is not good advice. There is no reason to try and win her back or prove your trust in her. And she will not answer you honestly. What's important at this point is to confirm, by any means, that she is a cheater. You do not want to stay married to a person who is predisposed to cheating, even if you manage to prevent it with the current guy. The reason to get confirmation is so that you aren't reeled back in with her lies, and so that you don't spend the rest of your life second-guessing your decision to divorce.

I agree with others that it is plain that she is cheating.


----------



## frenchpaddy

Tatsuhiko said:


> Sorry, this is not good advice. There is no reason to try and win her back or prove your trust in her. And she will not answer you honestly. What's important at this point is to confirm, by any means, that she is a cheater. You do not want to stay married to a person who is predisposed to cheating, even if you manage to prevent it with the current guy. The reason to get confirmation is so that you aren't reeled back in with her lies, and so that you don't spend the rest of your life second-guessing your decision to divorce.
> 
> I agree with others that it is plain that she is cheating.


 most couples brake up not because one cheats as we are led to think but because they never or lost how the talk to eachother , as soon as you start spying it is over any way , if it was I and my wife started spying on me IT WOULD BE THE LAST SHE WOULD SEE OF ME 

people think you do what they would do in your place , i have a hard time thinking that she is cheating without a little more to go on but then I have never cheated in my life not even been with another woman I did not meet the love of my life until I was 25 and still with her and it sometimes frightens me that she can read my mind


----------



## Torninhalf

frenchpaddy said:


> most couples brake up not because one cheats as we are led to think but because they never or lost how the talk to eachother , as soon as you start spying it is over any way , if it was I and my wife started spying on me IT WOULD BE THE LAST SHE WOULD SEE OF ME
> 
> people think you do what they would do in your place , i have a hard time thinking that she is cheating without a little more to go on but then I have never cheated in my life not even been with another woman I did not meet the love of my life until I was 25 and still with her and it sometimes frightens me that she can read my mind


 Clearly you don’t have a clue to what you are talking about. You think a spouse simply asks “Hey are you cheating” and they confess? 😂


----------



## joannacroc

frenchpaddy said:


> most couples brake up not because one cheats as we are led to think but because they never or lost how the talk to eachother , as soon as you start spying it is over any way , if it was I and my wife started spying on me IT WOULD BE THE LAST SHE WOULD SEE OF ME
> 
> people think you do what they would do in your place , i have a hard time thinking that she is cheating without a little more to go on but then I have never cheated in my life not even been with another woman I did not meet the love of my life until I was 25 and still with her and it sometimes frightens me that she can read my mind


I can count on one finger the number of cheating spouses who posted on here who fessed up when their husband/wife asked them if they were cheating and confronted them. A few trickle truth when confronted with actual evidence. I used to be like you. But when it's throw away years of marriage and upend your child's life potentially for no reason, if they're aren't cheating, you're darned skippy you want proof.


----------



## Benbutton

Lost_one37 said:


> she/my wife would bring up her new friend at work. She would always tell me stories about him and how he’s hooked up with a few of the girls at work, his past conquests, how crazy he is, funny, you get the idea. She also regularly had lunch with him while at work. So far, this is no big deal to me.


Focus on that last sentence...it should have been.


----------



## frenchpaddy

joannacroc said:


> I can count on one finger the number of cheating spouses who posted on here who fessed up when their husband/wife asked them if they were cheating and confronted them. A few trickle truth when confronted with actual evidence. I used to be like you. But when it's throw away years of marriage and upend your child's life potentially for no reason, if they're aren't cheating, you're darned skippy you want proof.


 MOST CHEATERS think the other half is doing the same , it is like art what you see is not what everyone sees , you can stand on the high ground and advise a man about his wife when you don't know the full story , you don't knoe the man you don't know the woman and you give advice I say the advice I give is worth what you pay for it I don't care if you think it is worth nothing as I give my advice free but then so do you and the other , 

if you think your wife is cheating and you bring in a PI into the story it would be better to keep your money and agree to part from each-other as trust is gone , with out there is nothing


----------



## DudeInProgress

Prodigal said:


> Let me weigh in as a woman here: WTF??????? My god, man, please locate your sex organs! And don't blame her for this. YOU are permitting her to order you around. This borders on the downright pathetic.
> 
> She's playing slap-and-tickle with another man and you are whining about her "rules." C'mon ... man up like yesterday and put an end to this nonsense. My guess is she's screwing this guy during "brunch."
> 
> Please get justifiably enraged and quit letting her set the "rules." Jeesh!


This is exactly right. Her behavior is absolutely a direct result of your weakness and lack of boundaries. Women (and probably men as well) will behave as badly as you let them, and you have been allowing and tolerating bad behavior, which now includes her relationship (and most likely ****ing) another man.
That doesn’t excuses her bad behavior and betrayal, but if you don’t fix this in yourself, you’ll be right back here with the next wife/girlfriend.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Lost_one37 said:


> DownByTheRiver
> 
> I have, she flipped on me and made it seem like I was crazy and that it only seemed like she was going out a lot because the whole pandemic was almost over.


All I can tell you is I have certainly been going out a lot since the pandemic is almost over because I was really sick of staying home so that sounds at least plausible.

You do need to ask her for a transparency since you have reason to be suspicious, but do remember that women are always willing to have sexless friendships with men. They're not like men who rarely would just be happy having a friendship with a woman and would even bother to just be friends with a woman unless they just happened to be thrown together at work or something. Women do like to have friends both male and female. But she should be more transparent since you have a reasonable suspicion. 

As far as her GPS I suppose he could be the one doing the running around and not her.


----------



## QuietRiot

Torninhalf said:


> Clearly you don’t have a clue to what you are talking about. You think a spouse simply asks “Hey are you cheating” and they confess? 😂


Yes! And then they are instantly remorseful and do everything to make it up to you and you skip off into the sunset hand in hand. Of course this is how it happens.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

Torninhalf said:


> Clearly you don’t have a clue to what you are talking about. You think a spouse simply asks “Hey are you cheating” and they confess? 😂


ROTFLMAO


----------



## Willnotbill

I also agree your gut is right most of the time. When I had the feeling my wife was cheating I don't think there was a single reason I could say why I thought this. It's just that perception that something wasn't right. I think it was very small changes in habits or a missed phone call that added up. Anyhow my gut told me something was wrong and I started to look farther into it and unfortunately my gut was right.


----------



## Evinrude58

frenchpaddy said:


> MOST CHEATERS think the other half is doing the same , it is like art what you see is not what everyone sees , you can stand on the high ground and advise a man about his wife when you don't know the full story , you don't knoe the man you don't know the woman and you give advice I say the advice I give is worth what you pay for it I don't care if you think it is worth nothing as I give my advice free but then so do you and the other ,
> 
> if you think your wife is cheating and you bring in a PI into the story it would be better to keep your money and agree to part from each-other as trust is gone , with out there is nothing


Sorry, but you have no personal life experience with a cheater by your own admission, therefore consider yourself blessed with ignorance and try to accept that you know not of that of which You speak.


----------



## Evinrude58

frenchpaddy said:


> MOST CHEATERS think the other half is doing the same , it is like art what you see is not what everyone sees , you can stand on the high ground and advise a man about his wife when you don't know the full story , you don't knoe the man you don't know the woman and you give advice I say the advice I give is worth what you pay for it I don't care if you think it is worth nothing as I give my advice free but then so do you and the other ,
> 
> if you think your wife is cheating and you bring in a PI into the story it would be better to keep your money and agree to part from each-other as trust is gone , with out there is nothing


I hope you will blow this quote of yours up and frame it. God forbid if your wife ever cheats....
Know that most men with their hopes and dreams and hearts shattered by betrayal, they don’t want to simply “part from each other”.
It’s hard as hell to part from that with you worked so long and hard for. I don’t disagree they’d be right to “just part”. I’m just saying until you experience this yourself, you (just like I once was) don’t have a clue. And I don’t mean that disrespectfully.


----------



## manowar

Lost_one37 said:


> She’s also turned her location off


that's because you are getting in the way. Man, this site is full of beta weak guys who live in some kind of a myth when it comes to female behavior. Looks like she's grown tired of you. You have got to get your act together and stop pandering to her. The rules apply to you but not the other guys. She doesn't make rules for them. You are clearly in the position of beta provider. If you don't know what that means then you have a lot of work to do. 

You have a lot of power. Stop being the weak husband for starters. Get out in front of this thing. Most importantly take control. Start giving the orders rather than taking them like an obedient pet.


----------



## Evinrude58

Just wanted to point out—- this isn’t suspicious behavior. This is cheating and rubbing it in your face. Now, the only question is are you going to accept it, or actually cut her out of your life and find someone who cares about YOU. All you have is a woman that cares about her, and needs you to continue caring for HER.
Which of your needs are met by this person?


----------



## BigDaddyNY

PortuguesMan said:


> No
> 
> Sorry for your situatuon
> 
> I already has been in your position in the past
> 2 things to say
> 
> Always follow your gut
> 
> And before you have solid proof, you doesn't have nothing and your wife it's innocent
> 
> I passed through a really messy situation with my wife, she change in all the aspects, stopped all sexual, emotional and even to speak to me like a wife..
> 
> I tried to speak up about that, informed her of her behavior, I very calmmaly tried to have some information because we was together for more than 15 year, so I knew about her normal behavior.
> 
> And even tried to have some answer and talk to her about if she was not in love nymore, or if she wanna divorce, or if she has some crush in some one, talk about it with me, I love her to much, but I not pretend to be a obstacle if she wanna a divorce.
> 
> She acted very offended and tried to make my like a crazy obessesed husband.
> 
> OK talk... Tried to have a normal talk to have the truth was ineffective
> 
> I decided I will find the real reason...
> 
> My wife cells phones and mine was the some model we use the same cephone account linked and I have all the password and managed our share cell phone account, I deactived the sin card of her cell phone, she tried fix it for her self... And she asked for help
> 
> I fix it and add a spy app, that app recorded all the text, all the info, all the photo and even record all the calls...
> 
> It last only 1 night to have some proofs... Was very explicit but not incriminating the affair
> 
> 
> Só I made a risk move.. In the morning I was on the couch, prepare to work with my best tuxedo... I waiting she she woke up...
> 
> Ask very informal way... What's?
> 
> I made the question.... Who is johbdoe?
> 
> She instantly become white... I
> And I informed show in her the last log of Instagram direct and inform I have all you conversation with him on direct... (the real fact I just have 1...but I showed to here in my cell phone the last conversation)
> 
> After that... She could not denies anything


Sounds like you handled it extremely well. If you don't mind me asking, what was the outcome or is this still being worked out?


----------



## In Absentia

Evinrude58 said:


> Your post was profound. Every spouse that comes here with anything in the ballpark of infidelity should read this. Thanks.


You do know he makes these stories up, right?


----------



## Evinrude58

In Absentia said:


> You do know he makes these stories up, right?


Lol, made up or real, still explains things effectively.😜


----------



## PortuguesMan

BigDaddyNY said:


> Sounds like you handled it extremely well. If you don't mind me asking, what was the outcome or is this still being worked out?


After that.... She just.... Cried uncontrable... She doesn't knew what to say because she really believed I already knew everything...
But in fact I just have a few texts on direct.

After that I was very straight with her.. You are free to go... You are free to be with some one if you wanna, I give to her my ring, take my clothes, and I went to my work...

I was a real state agent... I have a lot of meeting in all day...

When I did seat on my office... I remembered I did still has the spy office, she tried to sent a text message to him.. He did not answered..

Imediatly I regain my sense.. I i decide to search about him on the Instagram... I found he was a photographer and he was married, I sent a message... You husband keep a very dirty secret to you.. He is my wife's secrete lover..


I'm the same time she called to me, in main time I could see he sent to here a text on direct inform to my wife I was in call with her wife and I talk about the affair... In call!!!!

Was crazy.. I sent to here what I had I sent to here the text message he sent to my wife in my call... And open the spy app, and I could see she already call to a girl friend in common to my wife and her love... I sent to here the record call and my wife confesses everything how was... How I discovered everything...

He continues to inform to my wife I was **** his life... (imagine that!! I ruin his marriage!!)

My wife sent o me a message, that's ws ur problem...

I just sent there isn't "us" anymore


She tanked to me...

I continues seeing they in direct like a live transmission.

He inform was a mistake and his wife already packing all her thing.. And my wife inform to him "My husband already move out of our house... Give me the ring... And I don't know wha to do."

He inform to her Wil no be contact in future, to focus on his marriage

My wife said the same...

She tried to call to me... But I already inform I considered my self single

I was a real state agent, I had a lot of keys and some Of my client ask to me some service in the apartment and house, I just ask some if had any problem if I can sleep there, I had the firm approval so I had a place to sleep. Not inform to my wife anything...

I'm Tha place I just cried like a baby... But only to me... In office the people could see I was very different.. But I did refuse to let everyone knows why

Only some good friends...

I always need the most loyal man in my marriage... But after that I inform to her you can be with your lover and I considered my self single...

I felt so humiliated, so embarrassed, so like like a man... The first thing I could think to do was be with a good girl... And have a ver good moment( talking, laughing, walking on the beach) she was my intern... She was one of the few people I told the true, and with her I regain my control back, my self-confidence, I could make a girl very happy... Inclusive on the bed...

And that make me strong... And see my wife it's special, it's the mother of my kids... But that's no gonna kill me...


But belive me I cried a lot on my clients apartment... Alone.. With no one to see...


----------



## oldshirt

In Absentia said:


> You do know he makes these stories up, right?


I wish I had made it up.


----------



## ABHale

Lost_one37 said:


> I thought about hiring Private Investigator but they cost a few hundred an hour. I don’t feel like it’s a good idea to spend that much money. Plus some of the reviews I read they don’t seem worth it.
> 
> I like the VAR idea, the only problem I see is that VAR yields the best results when placed in the persons car. My wife doesn’t really use her car. She Ubers to work every day and when she goes out she also uses Uber. The only time she takes her car out is to run errands which is a handful of times a week. I could try our bedroom but I don’t see much success in doing so.
> 
> My wife and I got into this morning. I thought the both of us made plans for today around 11 this morning she tells me she has made plans for brunch with her friends. I was pissed cause she was the one that made the plans in the first place. We argued for about 30 min, that the end she decided to go with her friends. Her excuse was the plans she made for us weren’t for later today and her brunch with her friends was going to make a difference since she would be back before 2:30. She’s constantly doing things like this. She created her own set of rules that I have to follow because that’s what she believes a married man is supposed do/act. Yet she does everything I’m not not “allowed” to do.


Then why the **** do you go along with it???

You know damn well she is screwing her coworker.

The night you couldn’t get ahold of your wife, were the call going through and she just wasn’t picking up? Or was the phone unable to complete the calls? If her phone was dead, the calls wouldn’t have gone through, straight to voicemail. Turning the phone off would have the same results.

See a lawyer and know what your options are.

She is cheating.


----------



## manowar

Lost_one37 said:


> She created her own set of *rules that* *I have to follow* because that’s what* she believes a married man is supposed do*/act. *Yet she does everything I’m not not “allowed” to do.*


This is rather sad. You are submissive and have been completely beta-ized by marriage. It looks like this is on you for not knowing any better.


----------



## Evinrude58

Where are YOUR rules for what a wife should do and what are your consequences for her since she’s not following a damn one?

you are definitely at fault for allowing this dynamic.


----------



## manowar

Lost_one37 said:


> he’s the only the 2nd girl I’ve ever been with while *she’s been with several other guys* and has had more than a few *one night stands/hook ups* prior to meeting me and *she had always been very flirty but it never bothered me too much *because she would always know when to stop and I had no real reason to suspect her of anything.



Huge Red flag that you ignored. You live in the myth of the wedding ring. As if it would change this behavior. Wrong. This is who she is. You failed to qualify her. I'm sure that never crossed your mind. Now you're dealing with it in real-time. You are another nice guy that ended up here. This site is loaded with them.


----------



## Tempocontour

Hey, how are you doing?


----------



## damo7

My partner would never speak positively of some guy that hooked up with girls at work, or of his conquests.
Wife material would immediately think this guy is a douche.
Wife material certainly wouldn't talk to you about him the way she does.
She is immature and attracted to ****ty qualities. She's probably fun for a while, but for most guys with aspirations and self esteem she is a pump and dump.


----------



## Lost_one37

She wasn’t with her male coworker during her brunch. I’m pretty sure of that given all of the pictures she posted on ig is her together with her friends. It was mostly of her and her sister and a few close friends. I even checked with my bro in law just to make sure.

When it comes to her “Rules” they never bothered me because most didn’t really affect me. For the most part I don’t go to bars or clubs. I’ve only been to a club a handful of times, not really my thing. My cousin and I do own a restaurant/sports bar besides that you probably won’t see me at any other bar. My wife and I constantly have to argue about the waitress we hire. She’s constantly looking for things to accuse me of wanting to do or have done but I would never do any of that cause I’m not stupid. It’s only increased over the past year.

With that out of the way. I think I have found my smoking gun. I purchased two VARs from Amazon and placed one in her car and the other in her home office. The one placed in her car hasn’t really resulted in much but the one I placed in her home office was able to get a conversation with a female friend. During the conversation you can hear them talking about her male coworker. They didn’t say anything to prove that my wife was cheating but it was a weird conversation. The friend kept trying to get info about her and the male coworker. My wife wasn’t really saying much but the conversation did bring up a few red flags. The biggest one was when her friend asked about how was he, my wife played around and acted like her friend meant something else. The conversation took place Friday. After hearing it, I made the decision to look for a private Investigator. I made an appointment with one this Wednesday, it’s a free consultation. So I have nothing to lose by seeing him.

Most of you think I should just go straight for the divorce, I’m not gonna lie I thought about it but before anything I need to know the truth. I don’t have enough evidence or proof to confront her without finding a way to flip it on me. The last thing I want is to confront her just to have her gaslight me into believing her.


----------



## ABHale

Find the best divorce lawyer in your area and ask who they recommend PI wise.


----------



## manowar

Lost_one37 said:


> before anything I need to know the truth. I don’t have enough evidence or proof to confront her without finding a way to flip it on me. The last thing I want is to confront her just to have her gaslight me into believing her.


Agree with you. this is the way to go. PI is a good move in this situation. You own a bar. You know what's going on. You didn't give that impression in your earlier posts. You're right, she is going to gaslight you.



Lost_one37 said:


> I purchased two VARs from Amazon and placed one in her car and the other in her home office.


 This was a smart move also. You never know what you'll find over time. 

based on what you said prior, she sounds like a validation queen. A symptom of low self-esteem (not saying she is) which makes for a dangerous mate. See Female Psychology of the Practical man, joe south. This book may help you make sense of some of her behavior patterns. It sucks being in this position, but you seem to be handling it well under the circumstances. Good Luck.


----------



## TDSC60

If the friend asked your wife "how was he?" and your wife did not immediately deny things, then she has ****ed the guy and all her female friends know it.

Keep the VAR going.

Good call about not confronting her.


----------



## re16

Lost_one37 said:


> I don’t have enough evidence or proof to confront her without finding a way to flip it on me. The last thing I want is to confront her just to have her gaslight me into believing her.


Sorry this is happening. Smart move to keep quite and mine evidence.....


----------



## Gabriel

Trust your gut. It's almost always right. The hiding of her phone, closing apps, not sharing location - it's all tell tale signs of hiding things from you, whether she banged the guy yet or not, she wants to.

She's clearly prioritizing her social life over time with you, and given how short you've been married, that is a very bad sign. She already views you as an inconvenience to her social life. To me, that's already a major problem, absent this coworker,

The touchy feely stuff is a HUGE concern. She didn't stop it, probably loved the attention, and he laughed at you.

In your shoes, I'd completely stop talking to her about this. Act like everything is awesome. And get your evidence.

Guarantee you something is going on, or it's about to go down any minute. 

I don't see this ending well. Very sorry.


----------



## Lost_one37

I’m writing this from my phone, so won’t go into all the details but I’m now definitely 100% sure my wife is cheating. I only found out a few minutes ago. My heads all over the place. I’ll be back later tonight to write everything thats happened today.


----------



## it.was.an.ea

Lost_one37 said:


> I’m writing this from my phone, so won’t go into all the details but I’m now definitely 100% sure my wife is cheating. I only found out a few minutes ago. My heads all over the place. I’ll be back later tonight to write everything thats happened today.


Sorry to hear. It's hard to think rationally right after learning the truth. Please take some deep breaths, stay away from the booze, and keep your cards close to the vest. 

Try to act normal until everything is lined up with the attorney. Make sure you have a full accounting of your financial assets and can control/monitor them. Don't tip her off.


----------



## CrAzYdOgLaDy

Lost_one37 said:


> I’m writing this from my phone, so won’t go into all the details but I’m now definitely 100% sure my wife is cheating. I only found out a few minutes ago. My heads all over the place. I’ll be back later tonight to write everything thats happened today.


Oh no. I'm so sorry to hear this. You are worth so much better. If you know she is definitely cheating seek legal advice, and give them all the evidence. What a horrible woman your wife is. 

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark


YNWA


----------



## Twodecades

Lost_one37 said:


> I’m writing this from my phone, so won’t go into all the details but I’m now definitely 100% sure my wife is cheating. I only found out a few minutes ago. My heads all over the place. I’ll be back later tonight to write everything thats happened today.


I'm really sorry. Take a deep breath. And then another one. Post when you're ready.


----------



## Marc878

Lost_one37 said:


> I’m writing this from my phone, so won’t go into all the details but I’m now definitely 100% sure my wife is cheating. I only found out a few minutes ago. My heads all over the place. I’ll be back later tonight to write everything thats happened today.


Only married 2 years. She should have still been in the honeymoon phase of your marriage. Dump her now. The chances of her doing this again are real high. You probably should get STD testing. Sorry but thats where she’s put you. 

I it were me I wouldn’t waste my time confronting. Hell, she knows she’s cheating. File and get on with your life.


----------



## Lost_one37

Everything started a week ago when this girl was trying to get in touch with me. First time she tried was through one of my business emails. It was brought to my attention they received an email that was meant for me. I didn’t know the person and she never said what she wanted or what she wanted to talk about. I pretty much forgot about it. She sent a few more emails. My restaurant manager found out that the girl was somewhat of a big social influencer and that should talk to her. My manager gave her my personal email and told she could reach out to me directly. Well today that same girl and I have been exchanging emails and we had a phone call. It turns out the asshole (my wife’s coworker) had a girlfriend and she was the one reaching out.

She found out her boyfriend and my wife have been having an affair for what she thinks is at least 8 months. She found out during memorial day weekend. When her boyfriend threw a party at her penthouse behind her back. Someone told her and how her boyfriend was bringing a woman over constantly, that woman being my wife. She has videos of my wife coming and leaving the building. Once she found out all that she started trying to find out who she was. She found a way to get into her boyfriend's phone. She found everything she needed on his phone, my wife’s ig page, fb, cell number. With her phone number she got all the text they sent each other for the past few months.

I haven’t seen anything yet but she’s willing to give me everything, if I meet with her. She is out of the country right now with work. She returns early Sunday. As of now the plan is to meet some time Monday. I had trouble believing her but after talking to her a bit she just knows way too much info about my wife’s and her coworker. Plus she made it seem like she is the one financially supporting her boyfriend. From what I know he should be making something close to what my wife makes which is a pretty good salary but nowhere near close to how much he needs to make to support his lifestyle. I know for a fact the condo he claimed was his cost between 6-7 grand a month. No way in hell he can afford that working with my wife. 

I did meet with the PI today. I was going to use him but after everything that has happened I don't think I will need him.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

Lost_one37 said:


> Everything started a week ago when this girl was trying to get in touch with me. First time she tried was through one of my business emails. It was brought to my attention they received an email that was meant for me. I didn’t know the person and she never said what she wanted or what she wanted to talk about. I pretty much forgot about it. She sent a few more emails. My restaurant manager found out that the girl was somewhat of a big social influencer and that should talk to her. My manager gave her my personal email and told she could reach out to me directly. Well today that same girl and I have been exchanging emails and we had a phone call. It turns out the asshole (my wife’s coworker) had a girlfriend and she was the one reaching out.
> 
> She found out her boyfriend and my wife have been having an affair for what she thinks is at least 8 months. She found out during memorial day weekend. When her boyfriend threw a party at her penthouse behind her back. Someone told her and how her boyfriend was bringing a woman over constantly, that woman being my wife. She has videos of my wife coming and leaving the building. Once she found out all that she started trying to find out who she was. She found a way to get into her boyfriend's phone. She found everything she needed on his phone, my wife’s ig page, fb, cell number. With her phone number she got all the text they sent each other for the past few months.
> 
> I haven’t seen anything yet but she’s willing to give me everything, if I meet with her. She is out of the country right now with work. She returns early Sunday. As of now the plan is to meet some time Monday. I had trouble believing her but after talking to her a bit she just knows way too much info about my wife’s and her coworker. Plus she made it seem like she is the one financially supporting her boyfriend. From what I know he should be making something close to what my wife makes which is a pretty good salary but nowhere near close to how much he needs to make to support his lifestyle. I know for a fact the condo he claimed was his cost between 6-7 grand a month. No way in hell he can afford that working with my wife.
> 
> I did meet with the PI today. I was going to use him but after everything that has happened I don't think I will need him.


It's heart wrenching to get confirmation, but far better than living a lie. If you can afford the PI, don't cancel. You can never have too much information.


----------



## moulinyx

Wow. Crazy how the universe always lets you know.

If you can afford the PI, I also agree it is a good use of funds. However it seems like the girlfriend has a lot of evidence.


----------



## Beach123

I agree, gather as much evidence you need. Expose if she tries lying to you... which she definitely will.

In the meantime, get the divorce papers filed. You need to get rid of her ASAP.


----------



## Twodecades

Again, I'm so very sorry to read your update. I'm also in favor of more over less info., but maybe reevaluate the PI (cost) once you see the info from the girlfriend, as lawyer is the next step. Know that this is not on you. It was her choice. Hers. Nothing you did forced her to cheat. Remember that when you confront her. Expect possible rage (at you), tears, and reasons why she couldn't help but turn to another man. It is all just rationalization. You were in the same marriage and didn't cheat. Remember that, too.


----------



## Lostinthought61

After you gather all the evidence and you found it legit, might I suggest that you tell your wife that you have a meeting at the penthouse location and ask her to come. Of course prior to that you and his gf friend plan out a plan for confronting both of them at the same time....she will kick him out and you drive back alone the house leaving your wife to walk or Uber back. The best part of confronting together is that the start to blame each other right in front of both of you....I promise bf who has most to lose will throw your wife under the bus. The way you avoid the denial card


----------



## Dictum Veritas

Lostinthought61 said:


> After you gather all the evidence and you found it legit, might I suggest that you tell your wife that you have a meeting at the penthouse location and ask her to come. Of course prior to that you and his gf friend plan out a plan for confronting both of them at the same time....she will kick him out and you drive back alone the house leaving your wife to walk or Uber back. The best part of confronting together is that the start to blame each other right in front of both of you....I promise bf who has most to lose will throw your wife under the bus. The way you avoid the denial card


Diabolical and not devoid of merit.


----------



## Gabriel

Meet this woman and see what she has to show you. Assuming it's legit, all you need to do is send it to your wife under the heading "I want a divorce".

Sorry, but you picked a bad one. She's into the partying and sleeping around lifestyle. Not wife material. At least you don't have kids with her, and it's a relatively short marriage. 

You'll come out of this stronger and better prepared to pick a real wife.


----------



## TDSC60

Sorry Lost.

You said you began to notice the change in your wife about six months ago. That makes the 8 month affair the girlfriend is claiming logical. That means she has been in an affair for almost half of your marriage.

Time to go 180 until you can have her served divorce papers. Get the proof the girlfriend claims to have and let your lawyer see it.

I think confrontation in this case would be a waste of time and accomplish nothing. I know every betrayed spouse wants to know "why". I also know most never get an answer they understand. For your own future I think you have to walk away and cut her out of you life. Get the lawyer working on the papers and follow the lawyers advice. Don't know where you live, but if it is a no fault State, adultery won't make much of a difference in the divorce settlement.

You have to make a decision for yourself. Do you really want to stay married to a woman you cannot trust? Does she even want another chance with you?

It is going to hurt regardless but I think you will be better off without her in your life.


----------



## Evinrude58

Lostinthought61 said:


> After you gather all the evidence and you found it legit, might I suggest that you tell your wife that you have a meeting at the penthouse location and ask her to come. Of course prior to that you and his gf friend plan out a plan for confronting both of them at the same time....she will kick him out and you drive back alone the house leaving your wife to walk or Uber back. The best part of confronting together is that the start to blame each other right in front of both of you....I promise bf who has most to lose will throw your wife under the bus. The way you avoid the denial card


liked this too much not to comment. I’d have a stranger video it, just so when you’re fully over this and see what she did as the best gift you’ve ever received, you’ll laugh your ass off at it. You got the chance to escape this jezebel early in life. Brother, the stars are shining on you, even if you don’t see it that way yet.


----------



## jsmart

You should definitely meet up with the OBS. This girl did a lot of digging and leg work to reach you, so she probably has enough info that you won’t need a PI. 

Once you have your meet up and are able to exchange details, you will be able to coordinate your shock and awe campaign. That’s right, you need to completely blow your hopefully STBX out of the water.

Don’t allow her to control the narrative to your friends and family about how you were controlling or how you just grew apart. thank goodness you don’t have any kids with this woman.

Go read @VintageRetro thread. Like you, he was informed of his WW cheating by the OBS. One key difference is that VR’s WW’s affair was short and she didn’t change how she acted with him. But your WW has been banging this dude for nearly half of your marriage, has completely changed how she treats you, and is most likely in wuv with her POSOM. And he really is a POS. Using his girlfriend’s property as a hotel to bang a married woman.

So don’t start thinking about working things out. It will just end bad for you. Work with this woman to maximize your exit from this sham of a marriage.


----------



## jsmart

Lostinthought61 said:


> After you gather all the evidence and you found it legit, might I suggest that you tell your wife that you have a meeting at the penthouse location and ask her to come. Of course prior to that you and his gf friend plan out a plan for confronting both of them at the same time....she will kick him out and you drive back alone the house leaving your wife to walk or Uber back. The best part of confronting together is that the start to blame each other right in front of both of you....I promise bf who has most to lose will throw your wife under the bus. The way you avoid the denial card


Just saw this. LOVE it. You want to crush your WW. Having her see in real time her wuvver throw her under the bus to save his relationship will be so satisfying. Then when your WW starts with her lies and the it’s not what it seems BS, you bounce.


----------



## Evinrude58

Bad thing is, 2 rats usually run for cover when the lights come on. It would be deeer in the headlights. I’d have OBS and POSOM arrive after he had time for things to get real...


----------



## jparistotle

Lost_one37 said:


> Everything started a week ago when this girl was trying to get in touch with me. First time she tried was through one of my business emails. It was brought to my attention they received an email that was meant for me. I didn’t know the person and she never said what she wanted or what she wanted to talk about. I pretty much forgot about it. She sent a few more emails. My restaurant manager found out that the girl was somewhat of a big social influencer and that should talk to her. My manager gave her my personal email and told she could reach out to me directly. Well today that same girl and I have been exchanging emails and we had a phone call. It turns out the asshole (my wife’s coworker) had a girlfriend and she was the one reaching out.
> 
> She found out her boyfriend and my wife have been having an affair for what she thinks is at least 8 months. She found out during memorial day weekend. When her boyfriend threw a party at her penthouse behind her back. Someone told her and how her boyfriend was bringing a woman over constantly, that woman being my wife. She has videos of my wife coming and leaving the building. Once she found out all that she started trying to find out who she was. She found a way to get into her boyfriend's phone. She found everything she needed on his phone, my wife’s ig page, fb, cell number. With her phone number she got all the text they sent each other for the past few months.
> 
> I haven’t seen anything yet but she’s willing to give me everything, if I meet with her. She is out of the country right now with work. She returns early Sunday. As of now the plan is to meet some time Monday. I had trouble believing her but after talking to her a bit she just knows way too much info about my wife’s and her coworker. Plus she made it seem like she is the one financially supporting her boyfriend. From what I know he should be making something close to what my wife makes which is a pretty good salary but nowhere near close to how much he needs to make to support his lifestyle. I know for a fact the condo he claimed was his cost between 6-7 grand a month. No way in hell he can afford that working with my wife.
> 
> I did meet with the PI today. I was going to use him but after everything that has happened I don't think I will need him.


You are only married 2 years that is the good. Now the bad. What do you intend on doing? You do not have that much invested in her so a lot less expensive to cut now and never look back. What is his girlfriend going to do?


----------



## Robert22205

I'm sorry about the bad news/evidence but at least you know where you stand.
Now you can make a plan for a major confrontation - and exit infidelity?


----------



## it.was.an.ea

I would defer on the PI until after meeting with the OBS, especially since it's only in a few days. She independently reached out to you with a timeline that approximates yours, which makes her story likely credible. If she has all the texts and they confirm a PA, then that's way more than enough. 2 year marriage without kids, filing for divorce is a no-brainer.

I know you've gotten recommendation to 180 your WW. I don't know that I'd do that. I think it's best to get all your ducks in a row (lawyer and finances) before letting on. The 180 is a warning shot to the enemy. You want to be well-prepared (but do it ASAP) before firing the first shot. And if the OBS evidence confirms the affair, the first shot should be D papers.


----------



## Beach123

I wouldn’t even bother “confronting” at this point. It’s not worth your energy.

just change the locks and tell her you’re filing for divorce. Be done with her. Don’t waste your breath on her - she’s just going to lie and lie and lie to you.

if anything… tell her she is free to be with the the guy she’s been so focused on the past 8 months - she isn’t welcome in your home anymore.

make sure you move money and assets to your name only. Do t give her ANY way to access money or credit cards moving forward…if they are in both your names.

change the locks today. Move the money today.


----------



## Kaliber

it.was.an.ea said:


> I know you've gotten recommendation to 180 your WW. I don't know that I'd do that. I think it's best to get all your ducks in a row (lawyer and finances) before letting on. The 180 is a warning shot to the enemy. You want to be well-prepared (but do it ASAP) before firing the first shot. And if the OBS evidence confirms the affair, the first shot should be D papers.


This ☝


----------



## Gabriel

You are getting a lot of different advice. Your wife is clearly a gaslighter and liar. Doing something without proof will not work with her. She will deny, accuse others of lying, etc. and make you start thinking you are crazy.

Act normally, get your proof on Monday. Make sure it's bona fide and not something she can explain away. Assuming you are not considering staying with her, act calmly, and tell her divorce would be best for you both, and don't get into any arguments. A calm stoic stance that can't be swayed. Because she will try to say it was all a set up, that nobody will believe you, etc. etc. Guessing she will get combative. Don't engage. Just tell her what the next steps are, and execute those steps.


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## re16

Get the evidence. Don't blow anything up until you have it. Catch a "flu" and lay in bed all weekend if you need to stall....


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## manowar

Your only 29. You are about to enter your 30s. Understand this. This is the advice you won't get from dad (he doesn't know any better or your clergyman). You are entering the sweet spot for a man in terms of his sexual market value. That means you will have_ your choice_ with women. The rules of the game change!!! Its no longer the same game as when you were in your 20s when women had the upper hand. You are not aware of this stuff. I gave you a book to read. Another one is the Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi. *Watch Rollos videos along with those of Rich Cooper on Youtube.* *Break your blue pill conditioning.* Its time to* Wake Up* to reality. Study this stuff for the next year. It will sink in quickly. You'll understand what makes women tick and how to deal with it. Especially what not to do.

In some ways you are fortunate you have discovered this now. Better now than repeating this for another 10 years when you will be on the hook for a huge Divorce payout. You can probably get out of this cheaply and at the same time set yourself free. No more rules to live by. She probably sees this guy as having higher social value than you. This is a big motivator for women. Your wife (if one can even call her that) sees her value as being higher than yours. She thinks you'll fall right back into line because she's used to being in control. You have been greatly disrespected for being an honorable man. She is *replaceable*. She's earned it. You can find someone better. But first, you have to learn how to do so. Educate yourself. It's the only way. The time for being a nice guy is over. Put yourself first. 

Just look at these two years as a mistake and rebuild your life. Take charge. Rebuild the life you want the way you want to live. I am rooting for you.


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## Lost_one37

Divorce is the only option. I can’t stay with her if everything I think is true is true. The amount of disrespect and humiliation she put me through is unreal. She had me in that asshole's house partying with him. Both of them knew what they did the day before. I keep replying that night over and over. He was rubbing it in my face the whole night and she just played along with it. I can never forgive her for the amount of humiliation and disrespect no one has ever done anything remotely close to what she has done. I could never trust her nor do I ever want to. And I can’t understand why, cheating is one thing but then the way she went about and the way she’s treated me goes beyond that just cheating. They both went out of their way to humiliate me. I’m nowhere close to perfect but I tried my best to give her everything I could to make her happy.

I’m trying to stay away and ignore my wife as much as possible. Yesterday I told my wife I would be working late and didn't come home till around 11. I left the house around 2 am. I told her I need to make a trip to the fish market that's in the city. I haven’t really seen or talked to my wife besides text since last night. I’m going to try to find an excuse to be gone for the weekend.

As for the PI, I already talked to him. He doesn’t see a reason for me to hire him anymore. If the girlfriend has everything she claims she does it proves everything that I’m trying to prove. He doesn’t see what else he could add.


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## Evinrude58

You don’t need a PI, you need an attorney.

You will feel better once your attorney explains how things will go and you start building a future for yourself and not the black cloud you’re stuck with now. And why lie?
Just say, look *****, I’m divorcing your sorry ass And your days of cheating on ME are numbered. I can’t stand the sight of you and hope you will carry your ass now. Bye.
Are you still here? Bye.
When are you leaving?
Bye. 
and just be done with her.
Don’t dwell on any memories. Those memories were made with the person you thought she was. That person was a fake.
You can do better.


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## jsmart

Call a lawyer and get the d process going. After you get the evidence from the OBS, I would wait to confront leave the house and have her Served at work. It really does a number on them. Seen it in 2 different instances. Both women were completely crushed even though both were in wuv with their OM. 

On the day she’s served, exposed to family and friends. Let them know how blatantly she betrayed you and with whom. You don’t want her controlling the narrative so she can later say it didn’t work and now I just met this new guy.


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## manowar

Lost_one37 said:


> He was rubbing it in my face the whole night and she just played along with it. I can never forgive her for the amount of humiliation and disrespect no one has ever done anything remotely close to what she has done.


You were "cucked". Look it up if you don't know what it is. Yes. It's the ultimate humiliation. They apparently got off on it. Don't ever LET THIS GO. EVER. I hope this brings out the fking anger in you. The warrior instinct lies someplace within you!!! Read *Intolerant's thread* on here. Look at *his responses* to his wife. . Throw her to the curb with the garbage. This is how its done.

*Do Not Fking Cry* in front of her. Or tell her you love her or any of that sh*t.


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## manowar

are you an evangeligal? Or heavily involved with the Christian (Protestant) movement in your upbringing? Baptist?


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## Killi

OK. You need to be calm when you confront. Take your time to prepare well. Collect the evidence. Confronting without evidence is idiotic.
Make a good plan, get help from a trustworthy person. 
Prepare the divorce work before confrontation. It's not essential but doing the confrontation and serving the papers as one adds more shock to the shock and awe strategy. 

Start hitting the gym hard and eat well. The rush of "feel good" hormones will counter the feelings of depression and give you strength to keep pushing. Also it's a massive self-esteem boost which is needed. 

During confrontation,
Dont cry
Don't get angry
Don't fight or argue. Occasional stab with a snarky remark is ok. 
Keep the evidence ready. 
Keep a VAR with you to avoid being thrown into jail with a false DV.


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## jin

Don't really see the point in confrontation unless you feel that will give you some kind of release which it probably won't. Getting upset during confrontation would just give her the satisfaction of knowing she hurt you.

Some feel the need to confront and tell their partner what a lowlife they are for what they've done but your wife was rubbing it your face. You don't need to confront her she already knows what she is.

I'd just go dark on her tell her nothing. Let her wonder what the hell happened. Maybe let her find out from your or her family if you want to tell them.


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## Dictum Veritas

jin said:


> Don't really see the point in confrontation unless you feel that will give you some kind of release which it probably won't. Getting upset during confrontation would just give her the satisfaction of knowing she hurt you.
> 
> Some feel the need to confront and tell their partner what a lowlife they are for what they've done but your wife was rubbing it your face. You don't need to confront her she already knows what she is.
> 
> I'd just go dark on her tell her nothing. Let her wonder what the hell happened. Maybe let her find out from your or her family if you want to tell them.


There is merit in this too. Confront or don't, just don't show any emotions. I know it's almost impossible, but you don't want to give them the satisfaction.

For your own sanity, read up and implement a technique called the 180 to help you detach from her. You might also want to read up and implement the "Grey Rock" strategy. There is overlap between the 2 and they work.


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## re16

The other advice of mild confront / no confront are good potential paths, but personally I would be preparing to go scorched earth if I were you. I would definitely be ensuring everyone at work including HR knew about this, that is even how I might let her know that I know. With the enabler friends that know about this, I would be discussing in detail with all their husbands what their wives are doing. Her stuff can go on the lawn.

The only emotion that I would be showing is pure anger. This is your life and your marriage and she just crumpled it up and tossed in the gutter like litter, and then spit on it after.


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## it.was.an.ea

You've already said that if the affair is confirmed, there's no coming back from it. I wouldn't even bother confronting. Just serve her the D papers and move on. Any further communication can be through your lawyer.


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## uwe.blab

manowar said:


> are you an evangeligal? Or heavily involved with the Christian (Protestant) movement in your upbringing? Baptist?


No, but I am Christian.


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## Trident

Just be done with her. Going forward all communication is via attorneys. The bear response is no response. She’s dead to you. Your efforts are better spent moving on with your life. But don’t consider leaving your house until the divorce is final.


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## Asterix

I'd say just two things here for now.

*Whatever you do:

1. DO NOT get her pregnant
2. DO NOT get back together with her down the road. EVER. *

I know that this is going to sound nonsensical to you, but please stick to these two suggestions.

Now that she knows that you know, she'd likely do everything that she can do to keep you. Especially because the other guy dropped her like a hot rock. The life as she knew it is exploded. You are the only constant in her life and she'd likely do whatever she can to hold onto that. She'll try and offer you anything that you would want from her. You guys may even get into a phase of hysterical bonding. If that ever happens (and I hope that it does not) make sure to bring your own condoms so that they suddenly don't sprout any holes. Dispose off the condoms completely and securely so that she won't have a chance to retrieve it and get the sperm out. I know this sounds very very very out there. But, I wouldn't put it past a desperate person to try anything and everything that she can. And she'd certainly become desperate.

Down the road the memories of this ordeal may fade, and she may approach you to give you guys a try again. Do not be swayed and stay away from her, otherwise you can never be sure that she won't cheat again.

I know that these scenarios sound improbable and I truly hope that they stay improbable and it does not happen to you.



manowar said:


> Your only 29. You are about to enter your 30s. Understand this. This is the advice you won't get from dad (he doesn't know any better or your clergyman). You are entering the sweet spot for a man in terms of his sexual market value. That means you will have_ your choice_ with women. The rules of the game change!!! Its no longer the same game as when you were in your 20s when women had the upper hand.


@manowar said it best and I could not have said it any better. OP, please understand that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Stay strong!


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## overrnbw

When there is doubt, there is no doubt.


----------



## re16

How did the evidence meeting go? Assuming seeing the evidence was rough on you..... I hope you are doing ok.


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## TDSC60

First I would get copies of all the info that the GF is willing to give you. Then take it all to a lawyer ASAP and do what the lawyer tells you.

I would have her served then ghost her. With only 2 years married and her cheating almost half of that she should not be in line for a huge settlement (even if you are in California).


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## Lost_one37

I was able to meet with the GF. We met for a few hours. She generally seems like a nice person. We also have a lot in common so that made the conversation a lot easier. The both of us are still in contact in case anything else happens.

The Gf did give me everything she had. It was more than enough to prove that my wife was cheating. She had multiple pictures of them holding hands entering the building, she also had a video of them making out it was blurry and hard to see but with the pictures you can make the connection. If that wasn't enough she had dozens of text messages from them talking about when and where they would meet. With everything in front it was clear to see even if I didn’t want to. I haven’t confronted my wife yet. I haven’t decided if I'm going to. I might do what the GF did, she kicked the asshole out while he was at work. She had all of his things packed and placed in a storage unit. Then she paid to have the locks changed. All of this took place while he was at work.

I already talked to my personal lawyer. I went to see her yesterday to ask her if she could recommend any lawyers that handle divorce. She tells me my case is pretty straightforward and she could handle the whole case for me. The only thing we have to fight about is the house we currently live in and nothing else. I don’t really care for the house so from my POV we don’t really have anything to fight about but my lawyers want to see if it’s possible to recoup something from the house so it won’t be a complete loss.

Overall I’m doing okay. None of this has hit me yet. I’m just going through the motions one day at a time.


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## Evinrude58

Keep your strength up brother. You’re doing good.
It will get easier. It takes a while. Doing what you’re doing and taking steps to move on with your life helps.


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## jsmart

Sorry your fears/concerns turned out to be real. With the girlfriend having kicked out her boyfriend, your wife will kick the affair up to the next level to meet her man’s emotional needs and may even ask fior a divorce or temporary separation, so she can test drive a relationship with OM. 

You need to move fast. If she gets the jump on you, it will eat at you for years.

For maximum effect,have her served at work and expose to family and friends on the same day. Make sure you include the OM’s name in the exposure. You don’t want her trashing you and then telling everyone that OM came into the picture afterwards. If everyone knows she betrayed you with him, her friends and family will be against them. This will sour anything they try to build.


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## jparistotle

Lost_one37 said:


> I was able to meet with the GF. We met for a few hours. She generally seems like a nice person. We also have a lot in common so that made the conversation a lot easier. The both of us are still in contact in case anything else happens.
> 
> The Gf did give me everything she had. It was more than enough to prove that my wife was cheating. She had multiple pictures of them holding hands entering the building, she also had a video of them making out it was blurry and hard to see but with the pictures you can make the connection. If that wasn't enough she had dozens of text messages from them talking about when and where they would meet. With everything in front it was clear to see even if I didn’t want to. I haven’t confronted my wife yet. I haven’t decided if I'm going to. I might do what the GF did, she kicked the asshole out while he was at work. She had all of his things packed and placed in a storage unit. Then she paid to have the locks changed. All of this took place while he was at work.
> 
> I already talked to my personal lawyer. I went to see her yesterday to ask her if she could recommend any lawyers that handle divorce. She tells me my case is pretty straightforward and she could handle the whole case for me. The only thing we have to fight about is the house we currently live in and nothing else. I don’t really care for the house so from my POV we don’t really have anything to fight about but my lawyers want to see if it’s possible to recoup something from the house so it won’t be a complete loss.
> 
> Overall I’m doing okay. None of this has hit me yet. I’m just going through the motions one day at a time.


Another option is you can do this in a very public way to humiliate your wife the way you feel she did to you. Change the locks pack up her stuff and put it in storage. Then confront and serve her at work. Then walk away.


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## Killi

Lost_one37 said:


> I was able to meet with the GF. We met for a few hours. She generally seems like a nice person. We also have a lot in common so that made the conversation a lot easier. The both of us are still in contact in case anything else happens.
> 
> The Gf did give me everything she had. It was more than enough to prove that my wife was cheating. She had multiple pictures of them holding hands entering the building, she also had a video of them making out it was blurry and hard to see but with the pictures you can make the connection. If that wasn't enough she had dozens of text messages from them talking about when and where they would meet. With everything in front it was clear to see even if I didn’t want to. I haven’t confronted my wife yet. I haven’t decided if I'm going to. I might do what the GF did, she kicked the asshole out while he was at work. She had all of his things packed and placed in a storage unit. Then she paid to have the locks changed. All of this took place while he was at work.
> 
> I already talked to my personal lawyer. I went to see her yesterday to ask her if she could recommend any lawyers that handle divorce. She tells me my case is pretty straightforward and she could handle the whole case for me. The only thing we have to fight about is the house we currently live in and nothing else. I don’t really care for the house so from my POV we don’t really have anything to fight about but my lawyers want to see if it’s possible to recoup something from the house so it won’t be a complete loss.
> 
> Overall I’m doing okay. None of this has hit me yet. I’m just going through the motions one day at a time.


So what's the plan?. Make a a plan and execute it. Make sure you have everything ready before or else you may face extra drama.


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## Lostinthought61

if possible can you have her served at work in front of everyone ?
Also so now that BF is on the streets have you seen any changes in her behavior?


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## jlg07

Lost_one37 said:


> . I might do what the GF did, she kicked the asshole out while he was at work. She had all of his things packed and placed in a storage unit. Then she paid to have the locks changed. All of this took place while he was at work.


Run this by your lawyer FIRST. A GF kicking out a BF from a place that SHE rents is QUITE different than a spouse who has legal standing for the house. You don't want to get yourself in hot water by doing this.
I do agree of exposing this to your family, her family, etc.. Have her served and tell her all communications go through the lawyer -- PERIOD.

VERY sorry you are going through this, but at least now you have the proof you need -- so you can move forward in your life and put this cheater firmly in your PAST.


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## Lost_one37

I’m not planning on anything crazy. I’m probably going to have her served and once I get the okay for my lawyer to move out, I'm out of here and putting all of this behind me. What my lawyer said was spot on, this is one really expensive breakup and nothing else.

I’m not really interested in exposing her affair to her work, family, friends or anyone else. Not much to gain from that and I could care less what those people think of me.

She mostly acted the same. The only real difference is she has been texting me a lot more but besides not much else.


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## manowar

Lost_one37 said:


> I'm out of here and putting all of this behind me.



Now you're taking control. Read those books I recommended. Watch those videos. Understand what's really going on. You're going to be better off, in the long run, looking back in 5 years. You are in a much better position than she is whether you know it or not. You handled this mess pretty well!


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## Beach123

Exposing her for who she really is - is more for you than her.
It shows people who she is and what she is capable of.


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## Dictum Veritas

Lost_one37 said:


> I’m not planning on anything crazy. I’m probably going to have her served and once I get the okay for my lawyer to move out, I'm out of here and putting all of this behind me. What my lawyer said was spot on, this is one really expensive breakup and nothing else.
> 
> I’m not really interested in exposing her affair to her work, family, friends or anyone else. Not much to gain from that and I could care less what those people think of me.
> 
> She mostly acted the same. The only real difference is she has been texting me a lot more but besides not much else.


I know you said that you do not care what family, friends or her co-workers think of you. I exposed my wife's affair far and wide, because I kind of did care, but a friend and colleague of mine had your take on it. The next thing, he got called into HR and received a talking to because someone who abused their wife as much as he had doesn't have values that aligned with that of the company.

After he divorced her and went NC, she started telling everyone that he mentally and physically abused her and her version for the reason for the divorce took wings and through the whole 6 degrees of separation concept got back to the company we worked for. He had to start swatting fires all over the show, starting by having to prove the real reason for the divorce to our company and on and on to clear his name that had now been smeared as being an abuser.

In the end he still left the company under a cloud because he felt betrayed that they would believe this of him and it took a lot of effort for him to clear his good name after all the damage his ex wife's lies did to it.

Please consider that exposure is not a form of revenge. People tend to believe the first story they hear and in a vacuum of information, an unchallenged lie becomes reality to people's minds. I think it is much wiser to fill that vacuum with the truth before any lies that can haunt you down the road can spread in it.

My advice is to discuss this with your lawyer and expose as soon as it's legally prudent to do so at least to family and friends and with documented proof.


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## Marc878

Only married a short time. I’d cut off all contact and have her go through your attorney. Just ghost her and walk away. Let her go fully and free yourself.


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## jsmart

Glad that you’re moving quickly on the D. As for exposure, it is so that she can’t trash you. The demise of such a short marriage, has to have a cause. She will not want to be seen as the bad guy. 

We get so many BHs with your taking the high road thinking that get treated so poorly by the social circle. why should you be the one that has his reputation dragged through the mud, when you were the ones that was betrayed and completely disrespected? Ever hear the expression “it’s a small world”.? What if new friends or potential new girl hears of how you were an abusive husband or inattentive or lacking in sexual prowess? Yes, these are the type of lies that a WW will spread to avoid being the bad guy.

Exposure to family and friends would simply be , we are divorcing because my wife was having an affair for the past 8 months with her coworker (name him). No maliciousness or bad mouthing. just keep it short. You never know if one of these people will come in handy later in life. Don’t burn all of your bridges.


----------



## jparistotle

Lost_one37 said:


> I’m not planning on anything crazy. I’m probably going to have her served and once I get the okay for my lawyer to move out, I'm out of here and putting all of this behind me. What my lawyer said was spot on, this is one really expensive breakup and nothing else.
> 
> I’m not really interested in exposing her affair to her work, family, friends or anyone else. Not much to gain from that and I could care less what those people think of me.
> 
> She mostly acted the same. The only real difference is she has been texting me a lot more but besides not much else.


When did the increased texting start? I am thinking the OM has told your wife of his current situation and she has put 2 and 2 together. She is probably a nervous wreck waiting for the other shoe to drop. You are going to have to deal with the narrative whether you like it or not. Listen to the advice given. Control that narrative. Also, why is a two year marriage going to be that expensive? Is there a huge gap between your earnings?


----------



## TDSC60

I applaud your resolve. My only thought is to follow your lawyer's advice.


----------



## drencrom

Lost_one37 said:


> The Gf did give me everything she had. It was more than enough to prove that my wife was cheating.


I didn't want to chime in too early, but reading from start to finish, before you got confirmation, I was going to say she is definitely cheating. But now you have what you need. 
As someone who went through this and actually tried to stay with a cheating wife, I recommend divorce.

In your situation, you are lucky as far as divorce goes. Only married 2 years, you still might be able to get it annulled. Ask your attorney about that. 
If not, since only together 2 years and no kids, she isn't entitled to much. If you have a retirement plan, she is only entitled to 1/2 of what was accumulated over that 2 years, not anything prior.
As far as a house, sell it unless you owned it prior, and just split the proceeds and go your separate ways.

And remember, let your attorney do all the talking. If she wants to talk about the divorce, don't say a word. Just tell her to talk to your attorney.

Ok, aside from all the divorce stuff, sorry this is happening to you. I know well how it can consume you and eat up every thought in your head where you might not be able to function well. But it will get better......without her.

Good luck my man. Keep us posted.


----------



## drencrom

Lost_one37 said:


> I’m not planning on anything crazy. I’m probably going to have her served and once I get the okay for my lawyer to move out, I'm out of here and putting all of this behind me. What my lawyer said was spot on, this is one really expensive breakup and nothing else.
> 
> I’m not really interested in exposing her affair to her work, family, friends or anyone else. Not much to gain from that and I could care less what those people think of me.
> 
> She mostly acted the same. The only real difference is she has been texting me a lot more but besides not much else.


Shouldn't be too expensive. No kids, only married 2 years, not much to fight over. But in any case, its worth it in my opinion. Like a doctor's bill to remove a cancerous tumor.


----------



## drencrom

Oh, and do NOT respond to her texts, for legal purposes mainly, but mostly because she doesn't deserve a response from you. If you ghost her, it will eat her alive.


----------



## jlg07

jsmart said:


> Exposure to family and friends would simply be , we are divorcing because my wife was having an affair for the past 8 months with her coworker (name him). No maliciousness or bad mouthing. just keep it short. You never know if one of these people will come in handy later in life. Don’t burn all of your bridges.


^^^ THIS exactly.


----------



## Asterix

jsmart said:


> Glad that you’re moving quickly on the D. As for exposure, it is so that she can’t trash you. The demise of such a short marriage, has to have a cause. She will not want to be seen as the bad guy.
> 
> We get so many BHs with your taking the high road thinking that get treated so poorly by the social circle. why should you be the one that has his reputation dragged through the mud, when you were the ones that was betrayed and completely disrespected? Ever hear the expression “it’s a small world”.? What if new friends or potential new girl hears of how you were an abusive husband or inattentive or lacking in sexual prowess? Yes, these are the type of lies that a WW will spread to avoid being the bad guy.
> 
> Exposure to family and friends would simply be , we are divorcing because my wife was having an affair for the past 8 months with her coworker (name him). No maliciousness or bad mouthing. just keep it short. You never know if one of these people will come in handy later in life. Don’t burn all of your bridges.



@Lost_one37 hope you are doing ok. It's been a couple of days since you've posted in this thread. 

I'd like to chime in and say that it's in your best interest to let the friends and family know why you are divorcing. If you stay quiet, then I wouldn't put it past your wife to spread malicious word about you. Maybe it's time for you to purchase VARs and video cameras? Worst case scenario, you'd out a couple hundred bucks and best case scenario is that you won't be roped into DV charges.


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## Chaparralredux

Your reputation is extremely important and you now know what your STBX is capable of in the selfishness department. Beware.


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## Kamstel2

How are you doing?


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## bobsmith

Dude, I noticed your "simping" behavior on page one. Do NOT let that dictate how you handle the divorce! Dig in, get your legal papers in order, and drop that axe like a stone cold killer! Pack her ****, take the house, and at the end, tell her to move in with "Brad", which 100% won't work out and she will get to learn some hard life lessons....... You just move on and move smart. 

Sooooooo funny, I was just posting in another thread about my perspective on cheating. This is it! Woman sees opportunity, likes the temporary attention, and may well be granted 50% of all your stuff to be a hoe.....


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## drencrom

bobsmith said:


> Dude, I noticed your "simping" behavior on page one. Do NOT let that dictate how you handle the divorce!


This right here! You give your attorney all the information you have, and let him/her take it from there. Let your attorney develop the gameplan, but make it be understood that you want to go for the throat. And do NOT talk to your STBX about ANYTHING with regards to the divorce. If she presses just tell her to talk to your attorney.


----------



## ArthurGPym

Lost_one37 said:


> I’m not planning on anything crazy. I’m probably going to have her served and once I get the okay for my lawyer to move out, I'm out of here and putting all of this behind me. What my lawyer said was spot on, this is one really expensive breakup and nothing else.
> 
> I’m not really interested in exposing her affair to her work, family, friends or anyone else. Not much to gain from that and I could care less what those people think of me.
> 
> She mostly acted the same. The only real difference is she has been texting me a lot more but besides not much else.


I think your plan is a smart one. If no children are involved and you have no issue severing ties with her family, then you should move out and just go dark and be dead to her. Let all communications go through the lawyers and never speak to her again. She does not deserve any "closure" with you. The best penalty she can face is knowing that you are ghosting her for the rest of her life. Your silence will be far more powerful and impactful than any confrontation. She won't get to spin any b.s. or be able to gaslight you or justify what she did, and that vacuum of validation and communication will mess with her head more than anything else.


----------



## Lost_one37

It’s been awhile since my last post. Not much has changed. I'm still living at home and as of now I haven’t confronted my wife. Something came up that forced me to push my plans back.

I want to confront my wife tomorrow night. According to my lawyer my wife will be served some time this Friday. As of now I plan to keep things simple. I’m just going to tell my wife everything I know and tell her that I'm going to move out Friday. I’m hoping she doesn’t make a scene. I don’t think she will since she’s still cheating. I could be wrong, we have been fighting a lot lately mostly because I have been ignoring her.

I know that she is still in contact with the asshole. His girlfriend is still able to see all of his text messages between him and my wife. She’s keeping me updated with whatever she can get. The asshole is still trying to get back together while still cheating with my wife. 

I would like to thank all of you for the help and great advice I have been given.


----------



## Evinrude58

Hang in there. You are doing the right thing. Even though it hurts like hell, your action in getting on with your life will get you out of that pain as fast as possible.

It would be far more fitting to just leave and have her served. She’s not worthy of a confrontation, and you are not going to be able to stomach the lies she will tell. A confrontation is pointless and her gaslighting you will not bring you any closure.


----------



## jsmart

Please for your own sake, expose this to friends and family. It’s bad enough that you have been dealing with the pain of this betrayal and will most likely take it in the chin financially but don’t compound it by letting your stbx get a chance to drag you through the mud. 100% you should expose to both families and to close social circle. you say you don’t care now but it will kill you inside when she trashed you so she can come out smelling like roses. 

Not saying to call her names. Just that we’re divorcing because she had a 8 month long sexual affair with her coworker (name him). so she can’t try to later say that oh, he came into the picture later.


----------



## marko polo

Lost_one37 said:


> It’s been awhile since my last post. Not much has changed. I'm still living at home and as of now I haven’t confronted my wife. Something came up that forced me to push my plans back.
> 
> I want to confront my wife tomorrow night. According to my lawyer my wife will be served some time this Friday. As of now I plan to keep things simple. I’m just going to tell my wife everything I know and tell her that I'm going to move out Friday. I’m hoping she doesn’t make a scene. I don’t think she will since she’s still cheating. I could be wrong, we have been fighting a lot lately mostly because I have been ignoring her.
> 
> I know that she is still in contact with the asshole. His girlfriend is still able to see all of his text messages between him and my wife. She’s keeping me updated with whatever she can get. The asshole is still trying to get back together while still cheating with my wife.
> 
> I would like to thank all of you for the help and great advice I have been given.


Reputations are as fragile as is trust. Both are easy to break and almost impossible to repair. Do not allow your wife the opportunity to destroy yours (reputation). Do you have to expose with all the filthy details? No. As others have said you only need to be straight forward. You are divorcing because your wife has been having an affair. You can add that you have photo and video proof provided by the GF of your wife's affair partner.

On the matter of confronting your wife - *DON'T*. It will not serve to accomplish anything save that you will tip your hand and she will react poorly to losing what she assumes is her control of the situation. Presently you have the advantage. While she remains unaware she remains unable to counter or attempt to resist any of your decisions (separation, divorce). If you do choose to confront do not expect her to be remorseful. She will be angry that you know. She will be angry that you will not be fooled. She will be angry that you are divorcing her. At the very worst with these realizations in mind you should fear the possibility that she will make allegations of abuse or violence against you. *Expect her to do anything and everything to maintain her image and the lie she is living. Do not underestimate what she is capable of.* There are many otherwise blameless men that have made this error and they have paid dearly for it. He said, she said, is a game is that you will lose. Deny her the opportunity to play.

If you truly want to be effective or devastating as the case may be, do the following. *Do not confront her.* Blindside her. Say nothing to her tomorrow. Take Friday off. Gather all of the belongings you plan to take with you while she is at work, before she is served. If you are able to coordinate /communicate with the process server do so to ensure he serves her after you are packed and ready to leave the residence. Rest assured she will react badly and it is in your best interest to be long gone and unavailable for any of the nonsense or drama to follow. *She will not release you easily.* You may find this absurd considering the level of humiliation and disrespect she has visited on you. It is all about control and who wields that control. It will not be because she cares about you or recognizes that she has ruined her marriage. Right now and for the duration of her affair she has been operating under the erroneous belief that she has been in complete control and will continue to remain in this position. You are about to correct her flawed thinking on this matter and she will be angry, combative and ruthless in her efforts to reassert her control or to destroy you in the process and paint you as the villain.

Since you have no children together that eliminates any need to communicate with her directly. Do not accept any voice calls and do not meet with her in person unless the meeting is at your lawyers office with her lawyer present too. Any option she will have to communicate with you will be wasted as she will only attempt to manipulate or bully you. All you will get are lies, denials, excuses and all the reasons why you are responsible for her behavior. Txt and email communication *only if you choose* as they are easily documented and just as easily blocked or ignored if they offer nothing constructive to move the divorce forward. Let your lawyer do all the talking for you after you have left.

You have played your cards very close to the vest since your ordeal began. It is in your best interest to continue to do so. Conflict, like validation, is rich fuel to an individual like your wayward wife. It is best to starve her of such fuel. No contact is your fastest path to healing and recovery.


----------



## jsmart

Totally agree NOT to confront. Just have her Served at work, expose to family and close friends, and move out . Completely go ghost. All communication should be through your lawyer. 

I know you’re reeling but just want you to know you’re doing very well. We see a lot of BHs, very few move as boldly as you’re doing. Of course you had help from the OBS but so far you’re moving like a boss.


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## AttaBoy

Lost_one37 said:


> I’m just going to tell my wife _everything I know_ and tell her that I'm going to move out Friday.


Let me fix this for you if I may, it will save you from a futile, protracted and anguishing evening. Skip her theatrics and mental gymnastics. You are doing great now, once she's in self preservation mode you don't want her able to build any momentum.



Lost_one37 said:


> I’m just going to tell my wife* I know everything* and tell her that I'm going to move out Friday.


----------



## Galabar01

Remember, it is your wife that should be the focus of your anger. The asshole is just a distraction.


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## Beach123

Whatever you do - don’t have sex with her! No matter how much she manipulates you!

She should move out, not you!


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## TDSC60

Confront if you must but do not expect anything than more lies.


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## ArthurGPym

Don't confront. Lay the petition and all the evidence before her and let that speak for you. Stay calm at all times and do not let her goad you into a fight. It would be prudent to have a recorder going when you do it.


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## skerzoid

When confronting (no matter if before or after having her served) record it electronically. Always have something on you to record conversations, this is to prevent false accusations. It also helps to have written out responses to her possible retorts.


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## jlg07

One other thing -- you moving out -- PLEASE run that by your lawyer FIRST to make sure it doesn't jam you up.
SHE should be the one to move out, but you can't force her.


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## Evinrude58

When you start taking steps to delouse yourself, as you have done, you’ll start healing.
You’ll make even more progress when you’ve gone dark on her for 3 months and you’ll start realizing all those good memories were of a person you thought you knew, but didn’t. They were of a person who didn’t exist. She’s a deceitful cheater. Had you known that, you’d have never wasted a minute on her. Don’t waste any more if you can.


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## Lost_one37

I thought about exposing the affair, it’s not something I’m comfortable with. I know I shouldn’t feel this way but I don’t want to be known as the guy whose wife cheated on him. It's embarrassing for me. It could be a cultural thing we all might be seeing this differently. Most people from where I'm from would be more inclined to believe that I wasn't doing something right and that's the reason why my wife cheated. Her family would be a little different but at the end of the day they will always take her side. I would rather just keep to the few people that already know. 

I don’t plan on doing that much talking tonight. I think it should be a pretty short conversation. I’m telling her hey I know you are cheating here’s the evidence and I’m moving out because of it. I have no interest in hearing anything she has to say. Most of everything she says is lies.

I’ve talked to my lawyer. She has advised me that moving out wouldn’t be a problem. I’m moving back into my basement apartment. I had a cleaning crew pass by. It should be ready for me just to move in.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Lost_one37 said:


> I thought about exposing the affair, it’s not something I’m comfortable with. I know I shouldn’t feel this way but I don’t want to be known as the guy whose wife cheated on him. It's embarrassing for me. It could be a cultural thing we all might be seeing this differently. Most people from where I'm from would be more inclined to believe that I wasn't doing something right and that's the reason why my wife cheated. Her family would be a little different but at the end of the day they will always take her side. I would rather just keep to the few people that already know.
> 
> I don’t plan on doing that much talking tonight. I think it should be a pretty short conversation. I’m telling her hey I know you are cheating here’s the evidence and I’m moving out because of it. I have no interest in hearing anything she has to say. Most of everything she says is lies.
> 
> I’ve talked to my lawyer. She has advised me that moving out wouldn’t be a problem. I’m moving back into my basement apartment. I had a cleaning crew pass by. It should be ready for me just to move in.


The only issue i have with you not exposing this is that she will now be in control of writing the narrative to everyone about you not about her. At the very least i would tell her that if she broadcast to anyone beyond her family a lie, that you will post all her texts for everyone to really see. this way she can not play the victim card. What is the current living arrangements?


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Lost_one37 said:


> I thought about exposing the affair, it’s not something I’m comfortable with. I know I shouldn’t feel this way but I don’t want to be known as the guy whose wife cheated on him. It's embarrassing for me. It could be a cultural thing we all might be seeing this differently. Most people from where I'm from would be more inclined to believe that I wasn't doing something right and that's the reason why my wife cheated. Her family would be a little different but at the end of the day they will always take her side. I would rather just keep to the few people that already know.
> 
> I don’t plan on doing that much talking tonight. I think it should be a pretty short conversation. I’m telling her hey I know you are cheating here’s the evidence and I’m moving out because of it. I have no interest in hearing anything she has to say. Most of everything she says is lies.
> 
> I’ve talked to my lawyer. She has advised me that moving out wouldn’t be a problem. I’m moving back into my basement apartment. I had a cleaning crew pass by. It should be ready for me just to move in.


The problem with not outing the affair is she will have control over the story. I can only imagine how embarrassing this must be, but remember, this happens to soooo many people. I had an uncle with a similar situation. He tried to keep it quiet, mean time his wife was leaking out her side of the story that twisted the truth and put him at fault. Then he was stuck trying to set things straight with people. Had he gotten out in front she would have been the one doing the explaining.


----------



## jsmart

A better response to a wife that has disrespected you so much in such a short time is to have her served at work. Send a message to both families and very close friends “ I’ve filed divorce because WW has been having an affair with her coworker (name him) for the past x months. “. Leave the evidence and the contact info for your lawyer on the kitchen table for her to see when she gets home. Be completely moved out before she gets home. No drama, no arguing, no bad mouthing. Just go ghost.

btw, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You were a betrayed husband who take no ****. Now she on the other hand will be judged. Sure her family and friends will support her but they will also judge her too. “You cheated on such a new marriage?” What a *****. They probably won’t say it but they’ll think it. You on the other hand will get respected because you are man who takes no ****. Trust me, your market value will go up.


----------



## ABHale

Lost_one37 said:


> I thought about exposing the affair, it’s not something I’m comfortable with. I know I shouldn’t feel this way but I don’t want to be known as the guy whose wife cheated on him. It's embarrassing for me. It could be a cultural thing we all might be seeing this differently. Most people from where I'm from would be more inclined to believe that I wasn't doing something right and that's the reason why my wife cheated. Her family would be a little different but at the end of the day they will always take her side. I would rather just keep to the few people that already know.
> 
> I don’t plan on doing that much talking tonight. I think it should be a pretty short conversation. I’m telling her hey I know you are cheating here’s the evidence and I’m moving out because of it. I have no interest in hearing anything she has to say. Most of everything she says is lies.
> 
> I’ve talked to my lawyer. She has advised me that moving out wouldn’t be a problem. I’m moving back into my basement apartment. I had a cleaning crew pass by. It should be ready for me just to move in.



At least tell her if she bad mouths you that you will post the evidence you have for all to see.


----------



## Evinrude58

Don’t let fear drive your decision. You’re scared it will burn all the bridges. Burn them. Ghost her. Don’t let her ruin your reputation so that other ladies think poorly of you. Or prospective employers.
Don’t blab to every person you see. Just say your divorcing because your wife was unfaithful and leave it at that. Don’t over share.


----------



## Killi

jsmart said:


> A better response to a wife that has disrespected you so much in such a short time is to have her served at work. Send a message to both families and very close friends “ I’ve filed divorce because WW has been having an affair with her coworker (name him) for the past x months. “. Leave the evidence and the contact info for your lawyer on the kitchen table for her to see when she gets home. Be completely moved out before she gets home. No drama, no arguing, no bad mouthing. Just go ghost.
> 
> btw, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You were a betrayed husband who take no **. Now she on the other hand will be judged. Sure her family and friends will support her but they will also judge her too. “You cheated on such a new marriage?” What a *****. They probably won’t say it but they’ll think it. You on the other hand will get respected because you are man who takes no **. Trust me, your market value will go up.


That should work really well. Specially if there are a lot of female coworkers.


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## jparistotle

Lost_one37 said:


> I thought about exposing the affair, it’s not something I’m comfortable with. I know I shouldn’t feel this way but I don’t want to be known as the guy whose wife cheated on him. It's embarrassing for me. It could be a cultural thing we all might be seeing this differently. Most people from where I'm from would be more inclined to believe that I wasn't doing something right and that's the reason why my wife cheated. Her family would be a little different but at the end of the day they will always take her side. I would rather just keep to the few people that already know.
> 
> I don’t plan on doing that much talking tonight. I think it should be a pretty short conversation. I’m telling her hey I know you are cheating here’s the evidence and I’m moving out because of it. I have no interest in hearing anything she has to say. Most of everything she says is lies.
> 
> I’ve talked to my lawyer. She has advised me that moving out wouldn’t be a problem. I’m moving back into my basement apartment. I had a cleaning crew pass by. It should be ready for me just to move in.


Not sure why most people think their spouses affair is about them and their faults or ego. It is about the character of the person they put their trust into. Expose the affair expose that person. Then you will truly be free and can truly move on.


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## ABHale

jparistotle said:


> Not sure why most people think their spouses affair is about them and their faults or ego. It is about the character of the person they put their trust into. Expose the affair expose that person. Then you will truly be free and can truly move on.


Because most of us men have heard this “He couldn’t keep his own wife happy, no wonder she cheated”. There are other things as well that put a seed of doubt in a guy’s mind.

I have heard it all when at the e club. Poor guy but what wasn’t he doing. I also said the same back then about guys getting cheated on. I know differently now.


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## BlueCalcite

ABHale said:


> Because most of us men have heard this “He couldn’t keep his own wife happy, no wonder she cheated”. There are other things as well that put a seed of doubt in a guy’s mind.
> 
> I have heard it all when at the e club. Poor guy but what wasn’t he doing. I also said the same back then about guys getting cheated on. I know differently now.


The people who think like that aren't the ones whose opinion he should care about. 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


----------



## Kaliber

BlueCalcite said:


> The people who think like that aren't the ones whose opinion he should care about.


@ABHale is correct, this is wide spread more than people realise, Examples (He wasn't paying attention, he became complacent, he gained weight, not attractive any more, wasn't masculine enough, not Alpha, too feminine, Beta doormat .. Etc).
But people who are educated about these matters know: there is no excuse for cheating, not happy about something, talk about it and find solutions OR... have some respect and leave!


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## Kamstel2

How did the confrontation go? Did it happen or was she just served?

hope you are doing well. 
hang in there! Stay strong.
I promise you will get through this, and that the other side is good.

good luck


----------



## Asterix

@Lost_one37 I hope you are doing well and hopefully your wife is not spreading falsehoods about you among your family and friends.


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## Beach123

What’s the update? Did you stay with her?


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## ElOtro

frenchpaddy said:


> ....as trust is gone , with out there is nothing


Same as if loyalty is gone even if once, there is nothing left.


----------



## Galabar01

"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die."


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## Lost_one37

Sorry for not updating you guys on my situation.

My ex-wife and I are getting a divorce. We should already be divorced but my ex and her dad have both been in possible to deal with, so my lawyer and I had to do it the hard way. Even the asshole who cheated with my ex-wife tried to act up. I felt like I was back in high school. It’s whatever tho the worst has passed. By February 16 I should be officially single. Tbh I already see myself as single and I’m acting as a single man.

Overall, I’m happy the way things have turned out and I’m excited about my life moving forward. I went back to school just stared my second semester. I never had any plan to go back but I made a promise to my mom to go back finish one day. With everything going on with ex and the divorce I thought school could be something to help keep my mind off everything. I might never need the degree but I’m happy with with my decision to go back to school. Without it keeping me busy who knows what I would’ve done. Lord knows those assholes did more then just test my patience.

Some days I still wish I was still married and think what could’ve been. You know those dreams of kids and the white picket fence. I try to remind myself I’m still only 29 (30 soon) and I still have time. I’m in no rush but I still hope to have those things one day.


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## Evinrude58

Glad to hear it. Sorry you had to endure the pain but glad you manned up and gave all the bs a good shot to the jaw and got out of it.


----------



## Marc878

Lost_one37 said:


> Sorry for not updating you guys on my situation.
> 
> My ex-wife and I are getting a divorce. We should already be divorced but my ex and her dad have both been in possible to deal with, so my lawyer and I had to do it the hard way. Even the asshole who cheated with my ex-wife tried to act up. I felt like I was back in high school. It’s whatever tho the worst has passed. By February 16 I should be officially single. Tbh I already see myself as single and I’m acting as a single man.
> 
> Overall, I’m happy the way things have turned out and I’m excited about my life moving forward. I went back to school just stared my second semester. I never had any plan to go back but I made a promise to my mom to go back finish one day. With everything going on with ex and the divorce I thought school could be something to help keep my mind off everything. I might never need the degree but I’m happy with with my decision to go back to school. Without it keeping me busy who knows what I would’ve done. Lord knows those assholes did more then just test my patience.
> 
> Some days I still wish I was still married and think what could’ve been. You know those dreams of kids and the white picket fence. I try to remind myself I’m still only 29 (30 soon) and I still have time. I’m in no rush but I still hope to have those things one day.


Furthering your education will be a perfect distraction for you. A friend of mine got divorced 4 years ago. He has made lemonade from the lemons he received. He’s getting married Thursday. Man did he ever trade up!!! The key. No contact and he has younger kids. It can be done.

He was in his late 30’s when D hit. So you can do the same.


----------



## re16

Lost_one37 said:


> Some days I still wish I was still married and think what could’ve been. You know those dreams of kids and the white picket fence. I try to remind myself I’m still only 29 (30 soon) and I still have time. I’m in no rush but I still hope to have those things one day.


Thanks for the update and glad your life is about to take a turn toward the positive. Windshields are large and rear view mirrors are small for a reason.  Don't forget about the lessons learned, but keep your focus on what is front of you. Best of luck to you....I am sure it has been tough...


----------



## Rus47

.


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## Marc878

You will see that when you dump a cheater you gain a life.


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## Wolfman1968

Lost_one37 said:


> Sorry for not updating you guys on my situation.
> 
> My ex-wife and I are getting a divorce. We should already be divorced but my ex and her dad have both been in possible to deal with, so my lawyer and I had to do it the hard way. Even the asshole who cheated with my ex-wife tried to act up. I felt like I was back in high school. It’s whatever tho the worst has passed. By February 16 I should be officially single. Tbh I already see myself as single and I’m acting as a single man.
> 
> Overall, I’m happy the way things have turned out and I’m excited about my life moving forward. I went back to school just stared my second semester. I never had any plan to go back but I made a promise to my mom to go back finish one day. With everything going on with ex and the divorce I thought school could be something to help keep my mind off everything. I might never need the degree but I’m happy with with my decision to go back to school. Without it keeping me busy who knows what I would’ve done. Lord knows those assholes did more then just test my patience.
> 
> Some days I still wish I n was still married and think what could’ve been. You know those dreams of kids and the white picket fence. I try to remind myself I’m still only 29 (30 soon) and I still have time. I’m in no rush but I still hope to have those things one day.



Thanks for the update. 

I think it is very informative for other betrayed spouses who come here to have follow up on your story, so they can learn from others' experiences. 

Also, they will learn that 99% of the time, cheaters always seem to follow the same script. It's shockingly predictable. If they see how your story unfolded, they likely will recognize the same actions in their situation.

Did you have any particularly important points or learning opportunities that you wish to pass on?
Were there any things you wish you could have done differently once the cheating was suspected?


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## Robert22205

Your experiences (including your wife and her father's reaction) will help the next victim of infidelity. 

Could you share the lessons learned as to the actions of your Ex, her father, and the OM that made the divorce more difficult?

Did your wife ever confess?
What did your wife (or her father) say or do to discourage divorce?


----------



## SunCMars

ABHale said:


> Because most of us men have heard this* “He couldn’t keep his own wife happy, no wonder she cheated”.* There are other things as well that put a seed of doubt in a guy’s mind.
> 
> I have heard it all when at the e club. Poor guy but what wasn’t he doing. I also said the same back then about guys getting cheated on. I know differently now.


The thing is....

In some relationships, *that is the spark* that lights the flame in a waywards mind.

It certainly is not proper, no, but reality is not always fair.

No man wants to hear that.
Especially, when it is true in their own minds.
And, it is true that he neglected her in some manner.



_Lilith-_


----------



## jparistotle

Lost_one37 said:


> Sorry for not updating you guys on my situation.
> 
> My ex-wife and I are getting a divorce. We should already be divorced but my ex and her dad have both been in possible to deal with, so my lawyer and I had to do it the hard way. Even the asshole who cheated with my ex-wife tried to act up. I felt like I was back in high school. It’s whatever tho the worst has passed. By February 16 I should be officially single. Tbh I already see myself as single and I’m acting as a single man.
> 
> Overall, I’m happy the way things have turned out and I’m excited about my life moving forward. I went back to school just stared my second semester. I never had any plan to go back but I made a promise to my mom to go back finish one day. With everything going on with ex and the divorce I thought school could be something to help keep my mind off everything. I might never need the degree but I’m happy with with my decision to go back to school. Without it keeping me busy who knows what I would’ve done. Lord knows those assholes did more then just test my patience.
> 
> Some days I still wish I was still married and think what could’ve been. You know those dreams of kids and the white picket fence. I try to remind myself I’m still only 29 (30 soon) and I still have time. I’m in no rush but I still hope to have those things one day.


Are you able to go into what your ex and her father did to make this that more difficult? Also, what business was this related to the AP. Did his girlfriend who was fronting him kick him to the curb. I am so glad you acted. Now your wife has to explain all the co-workers why she is getting divorced after such a short marriage. By the way what is he father thinking. His little girl can do now wrong. Who moved out?


----------



## thunderchad

There are so many red flags here.

#1. When a woman starts talking about a new male friend or co-worker like that, it means she's into him. That should have been a huge red flag right there.

#2 This is another great example of my men and women cannot be friends. One or both will eventually have sexual feelings for the other. If you want to cheat-proof your marriage don't allow these type of relationships. Mutual friends can be OK if you all hang out together but a spouse should never be hanging out with a 'friend' of the opposite sex alone. It's also a good preventative measure to not be texting or otherwise communicating with opposite sex friends. This is an easy way for things to go south. First texting, then complaining about spouse, then a 'spark', then sexing, then, well, you know. The same applies to opposite sex co-workers. You have no business communicating with them outside of work. I'd say over 80% of the cheating stories I've read here could have been prevented by the aforementioned guidelines.


----------



## ElOtro

thunderchad said:


> ...men and women cannot be friends.


This, based on my own lifetime experiences, is not true.


----------



## QuietGuy

Thank you for the update. If you can manage it, I think some folks here might find it helpful if you could tell us what the confrontation was like and how her father and the OM acted and how you handled that. I think returning to school was a great idea. Good on you for moving forward with something positive like that.


----------



## jsmart

@Lost_one37 thank you for coming back and giving an update. You left so many unanswered questions. You would be helping other betrayed spouses by providing more info on your battle with your stbx. 

it also may help you if you stick around and help others that come in. The wisdom and experience that you gained in this ordeal can be past on to others that come here scared and confused. Help yourself by helping others.


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## Lost_one37

My ex-wife followed the cheater script to a T. She denied everything even when she was confronted with the evidence. Even till this day she was only knowledge that they had inappropriate lunch dates and a few kisses. Tbf at times I believed her and then I would look at evidence at realize none of what she says is possible.

I don’t want to go into too many details because it does get extremely personal. In short, my ex-wife dad tried to become my landlord by buying the two properties my cousin and I had our business on. That forced us to buy them at marked price. After that didn’t work, he went and hired the most expense law firm he could find. All awhile my ex-wife is telling me how much she loves me and wants to make is work. None of it made any sense because we literally had nothing to fight over besides the house. In the end my lawyer and I decided to buy my ex out. I wasn’t what I wanted because I didn’t want to continue paying for the mortgage at that time I didn’t care anymore. Even now I don’t understand what he (her dad) wanted, or my ex-wife wanted. I’ve given up trying to figure them out maybe they just liked wasting money who knows. In a few weeks it won’t matter, and I can forget all about them.

Now the problems with my ex-wife AP stared when found out I and his ex-GF were/are in contact, that for whatever reason sit him off. He never liked us talking even though the both of us are nothing but friends. In September his ex-GF was having her birthday party at a roof top in the city. She invited me, my cousin, and the manager at our restaurant. I wasn’t going cause I don’t really like parties like that but with everything she has done for me involving my ex wife and even some help with the restaurant it would’ve been ahole move not to go. Anyway, as my cousin and I are leaving the party ex’s AP is waiting outside for me and tries to fight me. We get into a little scuffle outside of the club, the bouncers are around come break it up tell us to leave or they will call the cops. At this point my cousin and I apologized and leave.


----------



## Rus47

thunderchad said:


> If you want to cheat-proof your marriage don't allow these type of relationships. Mutual friends can be OK if you all hang out together but *a spouse should never be hanging out with a 'friend' of the opposite sex alone.* It's also a good preventative measure to not be texting or otherwise communicating with opposite sex friends. This is an easy way for things to go south. First texting, then complaining about spouse, then a 'spark', then sexing, then, well, you know. *The same applies to opposite sex co-workers. You have no business communicating with them outside of work. *I'd say over 80% of the cheating stories I've read here could have been prevented by the aforementioned guidelines.


This is exactly on target. In fact, I would say even hanging out with "mutual friends" together is not a good idea. There are threads on here where a dude's "best friend" got hots for the wife and stoked the fires slowly until the wife eventually took a bite of the forbidden fruit. IMO Couples should stick with couples. I have had a lot of male friends, but never allowed any of them, married or otherwise to EVER "hang out" alone with me and my wife. Them with their wife was fine, but not alone. The only solo male around my wife was me. Full stop. Same on the other side, wife has had lot of female friends. I never "hung out" with her and her solo friends. Besides, hen talk wasn't my cup of tea lol.


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## Lost_one37

Wolfman1968 said:


> Thanks for the update.
> 
> I think it is very informative for other betrayed spouses who come here to have follow up on your story, so they can learn from others' experiences.
> 
> Also, they will learn that 99% of the time, cheaters always seem to follow the same script. It's shockingly predictable. If they see how your story unfolded, they likely will recognize the same actions in their situation.
> 
> Did you have any particularly important points or learning opportunities that you wish to pass on?
> Were there any things you wish you could have done differently once the cheating was suspected?


Never listen to a cheater all they do is lie. If they are talking, they are lying.

Find a good lawyer and listen to what they say. Don’t try to do it on your own. Don’t be scared to spend the money finding and paying the right legal team can save you hundreds maybe even thousand. Also being or trying to be the nice guys in a divorce doesn’t work it only cost you time and money.

When it comes to confronting a cheating partner, I honestly don’t see the point. 90% of the time they will lie just to save face. It happened to me and it happens to almost all the posters here. You will never get the truth so why waste the time. Just do what you must do and be done with it.


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## jsmart

Wow, what trash these people are. I’m glad you’re moving on. Even if you have to pay a steep price for the piece of mind. 

Believe it or not, your thread will help a new betrayed. So many times, they are frozen in fear and confusion, holding on to a false hope and willing to believe an obviously lying wayward, despite the evidence right in front of them. I’m sure yes still hurting but admire that you muscles through. At your age, in such a short marriage with no kids, you will bounce back fast. Stay busy living an awesome life.

Do not let her trash you by trying to spin the D as being your fault. We have some BHs that will talk about taking the high road to only later find out that their ex was telling the social circle that marriage ended because you’re controlling or were lacking in prowess. No need to trash her just let the truth be known. You never know if someone in the circle knows a future potential mate then they bad mouth you based on lies from your ex.


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## Marc878

Lost_one37 said:


> My ex-wife followed the cheater script to a T. She denied everything even when she was confronted with the evidence. Even till this day she was only knowledge that they had inappropriate lunch dates and a few kisses. Tbf at times I believed her and then I would look at evidence at realize none of what she says is possible.
> *You are correct. Admitted kissing is usually sex.*
> 
> I don’t want to go into too many details because it does get extremely personal. In short, my ex-wife dad tried to become my landlord by buying the two properties my cousin and I had our business on. That forced us to buy them at marked price. After that didn’t work, he went and hired the most expense law firm he could find. All awhile my ex-wife is telling me how much she loves me and wants to make is work. None of it made any sense because we literally had nothing to fight over besides the house. In the end my lawyer and I decided to buy my ex out. I wasn’t what I wanted because I didn’t want to continue paying for the mortgage at that time I didn’t care anymore. Even now I don’t understand what he (her dad) wanted, or my ex-wife wanted. I’ve given up trying to figure them out maybe they just liked wasting money who knows. In a few weeks it won’t matter, and I can forget all about them.
> *She probably never thought you’d find out and wasn’t thinking of consequences. Now she just wants something she can’t have. Daddy just wanted to help his princess out. At your expense of course. You don’t matter.*
> 
> Now the problems with my ex-wife AP stared when found out I and his ex-GF were/are in contact, that for whatever reason sit him off. He never liked us talking even though the both of us are nothing but friends. In September his ex-GF was having her birthday party at a roof top in the city. She invited me, my cousin, and the manager at our restaurant. I wasn’t going cause I don’t really like parties like that but with everything she has done for me involving my ex wife and even some help with the restaurant it would’ve been ahole move not to go. Anyway, as my cousin and I are leaving the party ex’s AP is waiting outside for me and tries to fight me. We get into a little scuffle outside of the club, the bouncers are around come break it up tell us to leave or they will call the cops. At this point my cousin and I apologized and leave.


You should probably file a restraining order again him. Should be easy. You’ve got a witness.
It’s funny how he screws up his relationship by having an affair with you wife and blames you.
If you haven’t you should inform his x. She has dodged a bullet. Maybe she should get an RO against him too. He’s cray cray.

Nice job on getting strong and staying there. You made a mistake marrying her. Now that’s fixed and you are better off. Wiser too.


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## Rus47

One question is what went wrong with the wife selection process to result in hooking up with a party girl?


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## QuietGuy

Thank you for the update. What a group of human trash you had to deal with. Glad you are soon completely free of them. Peace brother.


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## marko polo

Feb 16th has come and gone. Hope you are well and finally free.


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## Bigjohnbravo

Lost_one37 said:


> Okay here goes. I’ve been struggling with this for a while now and I needed a place to get advice. We’ve been together for 4 years, married for almost 2 years. I just turned 29 and my wife is 31.She’s the only the 2nd girl I’ve ever been with while she’s been with several other guys and has had more than a few one night stands/hook ups prior to meeting me and she had always been very flirty but it never bothered me too much because she would always know when to stop and I had no real reason to suspect her of anything.
> 
> Problems started 6 months ago when she/my wife would bring up her new friend at work. She would always tell me stories about him and how he’s hooked up with a few of the girls at work, his past conquests, how crazy he is, funny, you get the idea. She also regularly had lunch with him while at work. So far, this is no big deal to me. My wife made a friend and I’m happy for her. I met her friend when he hosted a party at his place. He seemed like an alright guy, but I noticed he was a bit too touchy with my wife. My wife made it seem like that’s just how he is. At one point during the party I had to step in when he was doing this and he just smiled and walked away.
> 
> During Memorial Day weekend my wife asked if she could go out with her work friends before heading out to the plans we made for the weekend. I was okay with this since I had work I needed to finish up. I thought she could go hang out with her friends and we could meet up later that night. I tried to contact my wife later that day to find out where/when to meet. She ignored all of my texts and calls. My wife made us have our location enabled on our phones so we can always see where the other person is. I thought it was extreme. I never used it till that day. I happened to check her location that day and found out it was off . Moreover, the word friends who she was supposed to hang out with all posted on IG around that time showing them at another bar far from where my wife said they would be. I continued to call and text my wife but I didn’t hear back from her. She got back to me around 8 pm that night. I questioned her about why she was ignoring my calls and why he wasn't with her work friends. She claimed that she and her friends changed plans last minute and her phone died so that was why she couldn't answer my texts or calls. She stuck to her story and I had nothing else to back my suspicions up so I dropped the subject.
> 
> I’ve noticed she’s being much more secretive with her phone. She’s also turned her location off, I know she’s always texting him, as I would always catch her closing a whatsapp or iMessage window when I would walk by. I’m not sure what to do. I have a strong suspicion that my wife cheated on me but don’t know how to go about it. I’m hoping that this remains a suspicion and nothing more and that I’m completely overreacting and overthinking this. If I'm not, how do I go about finding out?


Yeah honestly you are probably not going to listen...she had many men under her belt and know how to manipulate your like chocolate pudding.....I wouldn't even look into it...men and women cannot be friend....never accept a wife to be friend with another man only exception is if they been friends for very long time and never had any sexual intercourse.....

Yeah the fact she introduced you to him is to disarm you.....but make no mistake.....it leads no where......

I would file for divorce asap get her off guard....do not take the tears or begging it is all a show she will put on... honestly idk why people get married in today's is all gone down the drain 74% of all marriage end.


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## bricks

The most skilled liars are cheaters. You have to proceed assuming she will not tell the truth, even if confronted. Hire a PI, and make your plans if you find out she is cheating (though what is the PI going to do? Go in the bedroom?), make your plans for yourself before you confront her. IMO, that means making other living arrangements for yourself. Even if she wants to rectify the situation, you will need a cooling off period. And...even if she has not done the deed, she is playing you for a fool and taking advantage of your trusting nature. Whatever is going on, she does not want you to know.
Been there. Believed all the BS you have described, or rather, didn't want to believe what the obvious behavior in front of me meant. Wake up. Get tough. She's not a sweetheart. She is selfish and self-centered.


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## Megaforce

SunCMars said:


> The thing is....
> 
> In some relationships, *that is the spark* that lights the flame in a waywards mind.
> 
> It certainly is not proper, no, but reality is not always fair.
> 
> No man wants to hear that.
> Especially, when it is true in their own minds.
> And, it is true that he neglected her in some manner.
> 
> 
> 
> _Lilith-_


I doubt " neglect" had anything to do with her cheating. Based on his desc, she was a ticking time bomb. Just look at her dad. Must be a totally ****ed up family.


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## TDSC60

February has passed. I hope you have been officially released into the wild and are now living your life without the old ball and chain weighing you down.

Remember. The best revenge on a cheater is to enjoy your new life.


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## bygone

These guys don't spend long with a woman they haven't slept with.

It is healthy for spouses to pay attention to each other, to notice changes and sometimes to question. Ignoring the partner's emotional changes is defined as indifference. (not trust)

The most used excuse for cheating is indifference.

Is it okay for your wife to get close to a man she says has a strong influence on women?

After the party, you were supposed to discuss this with your wife and check your phone. When did your wife turn off location sharing? How many times did her phone die during your relationship?


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## wolfstooth

oldshirt said:


> I had an ex GF (emphasis on “EX”) that was exactly like your W - always going out with “friends”, often breaking plans with me and never including me in any of these these outings and always making excuses for why she was never where she said she was going to be and never with who she said she was going with.
> 
> The final straw came one night we had plans for going to her graduation banquet for a training program she was in. We were getting dressed up and ready to go to the banquet and she basically warned me that she would be spending a lot of time with her “friends” that night and that they would probably go out afterwards.
> 
> I came right out and asked her - “am I not one of your friends anymore?” ....
> 
> ...... crickets 🦗
> 
> She was speechless and just stood there with a stupid blank stare. Her silence was deafening and told me everything I needed to know.
> 
> I told her congratulations on her graduation and to have fun and then I went and changed back into my comfy jeans and T-shirt and went on about my business while she finished her make up and left.
> 
> When she got back at in the wee hours of the night, the look on her face told me everything else I needed to know and I said I knew where I stand and that we both knew it was over. ....she did not argue or protest. We were done.
> 
> The key point you need to grasp here that I think you’re overlooking is that you may not have documentable proof of another man’s penis entering her vagina. You may never get that.
> 
> But there is clear, bright, neon writing on the wall that she is living the single life without you and not including you in her life.
> 
> You are the guy that helps pay the rent and mows the lawn and kills spiders around the house.
> 
> Her fun and personal life and social life is separate from you and does not include you.
> 
> If she hasn’t had actual intercourse with this guy yet (she probably HAS, otherwise he wouldn’t still be hanging around) but supposing she hasn’t yet, it’s days if not even hours away.
> 
> She has already detached from you and is living her own life without you.
> 
> I am sorry.


This is such a great response to something I’m kind of experiencing TY


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## Affaircare




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## gameopoly5

Evinrude58 said:


> You have two choices:
> 
> 1) beg and plead for her to stay. She won’t. She will only stay if the other guy won’t take her, but he will still accept the sex which is likely all he wants. The harder you chase and beg, the farther she will run. She doesn’t love you. I’m sorry.
> 
> 2) file for divorce, ask her to leave. you already know she’s cheating and with another man. He smiled in your face after having his hands on your wife right in front of you. Her phone didn’t die, and a computer glitch didn’t turn off location. She’s cheating. Plain and simple.
> Divorce and move on with your life.
> 
> I know both options will be painful, and right now the second option is the most painful. But option 2 is by far then least painful.
> 
> I’m sorry. Your marriage is over and you just can’t accept it....... yet.
> 
> A couple of years from now you’ll thank yourself if you choose option 2.


Totally agree.
No point in discussing this further, his wife is absolutely cheating.
All that remains is, what does the OP intend to do about it?


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## Trident

gameopoly5 said:


> No point in discussing this further, his wife is absolutely cheating.
> All that remains is, what does the OP intend to do about it?


Perhaps if you took a few minutes to read the thread you'd realize that:

a) there was never hard evidence of cheating so to say "his wife was absolutely cheating" is irresponsible
b) the Op last posted 10 months ago with an update to say they're getting divorced and hasn't returned to the forum since.


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## BoSlander

Trident said:


> Perhaps if you took a few minutes to read the thread you'd realize that:
> 
> a) there was never hard evidence of cheating so to say "his wife was absolutely cheating" is irresponsible
> b) the Op last posted 10 months ago with an update to say they're getting divorced and hasn't returned to the forum since.


I think you just shot yourself in the foot with this comment. In order for B to happen, A must’ve taken place.


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## Mr.Married

🧟‍♀️ 🧟‍♂️ 🧟


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## Marc878

@MattMatt we need zombie cat !! 
Clean up on aisle 6


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## MattMatt

Lot of zombie threads to deal with.


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## uwe.blab

Trident said:


> Perhaps if you took a few minutes to read the thread you'd realize that:
> 
> a) there was never hard evidence of cheating so to say "his wife was absolutely cheating" is irresponsible
> b) the Op last posted 10 months ago with an update to say they're getting divorced and hasn't returned to the forum since.


His wife was absolutely cheating.


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