# My Husband's previous marriage failed, and now I feel ours will



## littleconfused

My husband was previously married, and his ex-wife was abusive. Because that marriage failed, he acts like ours will, too.

We are currently living with roommates, and when I talk about getting our own place, he tells me that his ex-wife changed dramatically when they got their own place, so he thinks I will, too.

For Christmas, I wanted a new wedding band because I've lost a substantial amount of weight, and my current one is too big. He says he wont buy it until he feels that our marriage will work out.

Because of his previous marriage, and them both cheating on each other, he keeps me under constant lock and key. I am not allowed to go anywhere besides work, and the gym, and am not allowed to go hang out with friends (Not that I have any anymore). I am extremely faithful, but he likes to go onto online dating sites, and post as married but looking. I have caught his talking to other women about sex, but he hasn't gone out and done anything. He says he does it because he's so used to being cheated on (ie. his ex-wife).

How do I convince him that I am NOT his ex-wife, or anything like her? How do I make this work?


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## PBear

No offense, but your marriage WILL fail if you keep your head buried in the sand and he's allowed to keep trolling the dating sites. He's one email away from cheating on you, and it's only a matter if time before he gets it. 

What's your history? How long did you date before getting married? Were you his other woman? How long have you been married? How long was he divorced before you got serious? Has he done any counseling after his marriage ended?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## littleconfused

We dated for about 7 months before getting married. I was divorced almost 2 years before I met him, and we've been married since May. And, no, he has not been to counseling.


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## aston

You shouldn't let those words fuel your insecurity. If you want a new wedding band you're better off dropping hints and not tieing it to a gifting season. Remember his first marriage failed and it's natural (despite people not wanting to agree to this) to always draw parallels and compare/contrast.

I will suggest you sit him down and let him know what your insecurities are. The more he knows the better you will feel.


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## anotherguy

just get it resized?


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## PBear

How long was he separated/divorced before you two started dating?

And I really think you're burying your head in the sand about him being on the dating sites. Most likely, the reason he's thinking the marriage won't last is because he's going to cheat. Cheating spouses also will transfer their guilt to the loyal spouse. As in, if they're cheating than you must be too.

I say these things as someone who cheated on my wife, and who used adult dating sites to find a partner.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

If I had a million dollars, I'd be his ex-wife was the abused, not the abuser. Someone who is abused, usually seeks to have a normal relationship, that is why they can be abused, because they are not capable of placing upon other sentient human beings, the sort of restraints that your H is placing upon you.

I'm sure you are a very sweet person. Think about it. Who with any tact at all would confront someone, especially a man, who can 'talk about his feelings', who says they were abused in the past, and tell them they they are in overkill mode.

I think you posted somewhere else about a similar concern, and I told you that something is not quite right. This beats it all.

OMG, you CANNOT MAKE UP FOR WHAT ANOTHER WOMAN DID TO YOUR HUSBAND, even if it is true. He needs to be the sort of person who will stand up for himself, grab his nuts, and take them to therapy if he was abused. It's not your job to nail yourself to the cross for his contrived psychic pain. Even if it were 'true' it might be in his head, and if it were really really really true, dude's not ready for a relationship. Get a deeeee-vorce and when he is if he truly truly loves you he will do the work to be relationship ready and not need to imprison his wife and torment her to make himself FEEL healthy when he is not.


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## lastradas

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> If I had a million dollars, I'd be his ex-wife was the abused, not the abuser.


Ditto a thousand times. Just from the few lines you write he seems to have been the abuser and not the abused. Anybody who has really been abused would not use the abuse to justify emotionally abusing somebody else (i.e. you, and what he's doing sounds like textbook emotional abuse to me). 
There is a difference between _feeling _insecure because of previous experience and _behaving/acting_ based on that in a way that limits one's partner's life. 
According to you he has no reason to act the way he does, so while anything may trigger his insecurity (understandably), people who truly want to have a healthy relationship do not treat their partners they way he does, let alone engage in online dating using the excuse he does. Seriously, wtf?

I very highly recommend the following book. It was a true eye opener for me and made me realize that many things I thought were so normal truly weren't.

Amazon.com: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (9780425191651): Lundy Bancroft: Books


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## sisters359

You are being abused and you don't even realize it. Read up on emotional abuse, and the habits of abusers--rushing a person into marriage, isolating them from friends, etc. You need to get out and get safe--things are going to get worse. Talk to his ex if you can. And keep quiet about what you learn/suspect; he will be unpredictable. Please, call a hotline to a women's shelter and get advice. Tell them what he's like and how you live and see what they say. You are putting yourself at risk.


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## that_girl

Yea, the husband lied about the situation.

He was a controlling ass with his last wife just as he is now.

She cheated on him because of his horrible existence and left him. Good for her.


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## Jellybeans

TG, I bet you are right in your assessment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I Know

sisters359 said:


> You are being abused and you don't even realize it. Read up on emotional abuse, and the habits of abusers--rushing a person into marriage, isolating them from friends, etc. You need to get out and get safe--things are going to get worse. Talk to his ex if you can. And keep quiet about what you learn/suspect; he will be unpredictable. Please, call a hotline to a women's shelter and get advice. Tell them what he's like and how you live and see what they say. You are putting yourself at risk.


I am not an abuser so what do I know. But this seems like a huge leap. Protective, jealous = abuse? REally?


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## that_girl

I Know said:


> I am not an abuser so what do I know. But this seems like a huge leap. Protective, jealous = abuse? REally?


Yes. It's called emotional abuse. He is controlling her. Does that seem ok to you? Yuck.


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## I Know

that_girl said:


> Yes. It's called emotional abuse. He is controlling her. Does that seem ok to you? Yuck.


Being an A**hole is not abuse. Equating jerk to abuser does no favors to those suffering from real abuse.


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## lastradas

I Know said:


> Being an A**hole is not abuse. Equating jerk to abuser does no favors to those suffering from real abuse.


What do you consider "real abuse"? Name calling? Physical violence?
Yes, this is the kind of abuse that is easily detectable. Emotional abuse is not. Often times, the abused aren't even aware that it is happening to them, let alone any outsiders.

I suggest reading up on what emotional abuse is. 



littleconfused said:


> My husband was previously married, and his ex-wife was abusive. Because that marriage failed, he acts like ours will, too


 This IS emotional abuse. Of course, at the end of the day,we can only take littleconfused words face value, but if what she says is true, then making her responsible for his *actions *because of what his ex-wife did to him, is emotional abuse, if he has no grounds to stand on. Remember, there is a difference whether *he **feels *insecure and voices these concerns to her, but he actively goes on dating sites, essentially making her responsible for it (i.e. *his behavior*, you bet that's emotional abuse.



> I am not allowed to go anywhere besides work, and the gym, and am not allowed to go hang out with friends (Not that I have any anymore)


This is not abuse? Restricting somebody's freedom when he has no grounds to stand on? Seriously? She is not allowed to do things for herself unless he's okay with it or she puts up with his accusations? Please, you've got to be kidding me!



> I have caught his talking to other women about sex, but he hasn't gone out and done anything. He says he does it because he's so used to being cheated on (ie. his ex-wife).


Just cheating on her makes him an a**hole. Making her responsible for his actions makes him an emotional abuser. 
Plus, why would he do something that hurt him so badly, to somebody he supposedly loves? 
People mess up all the time, they think and act selfishly. Most of the time they're good people who just got confused and make stupid choices. But they're still their choices and actions, that nobody else is responsible for. Making somebody else believe that they're responsible for somebody else choices and behaviors is text book emotional abuse.


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## I Know

lastradas said:


> What do you consider "real abuse"? Name calling? Physical violence?
> Yes, this is the kind of abuse that is easily detectable. Emotional abuse is not. Often times, the abused aren't even aware that it is happening to them, let alone any outsiders.
> 
> I suggest reading up on what emotional abuse is.
> 
> 
> This IS emotional abuse. Of course, at the end of the day,we can only take littleconfused words face value, but if what she says is true, then making her responsible for his *actions *because of what his ex-wife did to him, is emotional abuse, if he has no grounds to stand on. Remember, there is a difference whether *he **feels *insecure and voices these concerns to her, but he actively goes on dating sites, essentially making her responsible for it (i.e. *his behavior*, you bet that's emotional abuse.
> 
> 
> This is not abuse? Restricting somebody's freedom when he has no grounds to stand on? Seriously? She is not allowed to do things for herself unless he's okay with it or she puts up with his accusations? Please, you've got to be kidding me!
> 
> 
> Just cheating on her makes him an a**hole. Making her responsible for his actions makes him an emotional abuser.
> Plus, why would he do something that hurt him so badly, to somebody he supposedly loves?
> People mess up all the time, they think and act selfishly. Most of the time they're good people who just got confused and make stupid choices. But they're still their choices and actions, that nobody else is responsible for. Making somebody else believe that they're responsible for somebody else choices and behaviors is text book emotional abuse.


She can leave. She is not allowed to do anything because she agrees to come home after going to the gym, work. There are no restraints keeping her there. She is free to go anytime. The husband can't hold her responsible for anything. She is letting him do it. 

I scoff at "emotional abuse". Physical violence is a big problem. emotional abuse is some made up psycho babble by overpaid psychiatrists drumming up business by claiming that being a jerk is some disorder.


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## Jellybeans

Wow. How wrong you are. Emotional abuse is very real and is said to way a million times more damaging than physical abuse. I scoff at the fact someone would think it's some made up thing. Scary.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I Know

Jellybeans said:


> Wow. How wrong you are. Emotional abuse is very real and is said to way a million times more damaging than physical abuse. I scoff at the fact someone would think it's some made up thing. Scary.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you think that emotional abuse should be a criminal offense? Penalty wise On par w/ phys abuse?


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## Jellybeans

Yes. It seriously can fvck people up in the head. Being a jerk is one thing. Emotional abuse is something totally different. It's sick.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lastradas

In one word: SCARY.


I Know said:


> She can leave. She is not allowed to do anything because she agrees to come home after going to the gym, work. There are no restraints keeping her there. She is free to go anytime. The husband can't hold her responsible for anything. She is letting him do it.


You don't seem to get the concept. Just because she is "letting him do it", he is still the one who engages in this behavior, which defacto *is *emotional abuse. And yes, we as outsiders can clearly see that he can't hold her responsible. But that is not the point. The very definition of emotional abuse is manipulating people to the point where they can't tell left from right. 



> I scoff at "emotional abuse". Physical violence is a big problem. emotional abuse is some made up psycho babble by overpaid psychiatrists drumming up business by claiming that being a jerk is some disorder.


Again, this ignorance makes me incredibly sad and I don't want to know how many people are out there suffering because people with this same belief ignore the indescribable impact this has on someone's life.


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## lastradas

I Know said:


> Do you think that emotional abuse should be a criminal offense? Penalty wise On par w/ phys abuse?


I know you're not asking me, but a *thousand times YES*!!!!!!
The problem is that it's next to impossible to prove it. As with physical abuse, you can't establish a direct cause and effect scenario, i.e. "s/he hit me, now I am suffering physical injuries."
It's not that straightforward with emotional abuse.


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## DocHoliday

Posting on dating sites as married but looking is ABUSE.
He is very childish. He subscribes to the thought
"The person who cares less about the relationship has the upper hand".
When in reality, he is the whimp.

Are you willing to get out of this? Do you know the level of control and codependance this is? He will NOT get better before hitting ground zero. He will NOT wake up one day and say "I'm sorry, I was wrong to look to date other women while married to you."

He will have excuses and entitlement. He probably never will see what he is doing, self reflection seems absent.

Please, do not put yourself under him on that fall. Do not let him land on you.


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## I Know

lastradas said:


> I know you're not asking me, but a *thousand times YES*!!!!!!
> The problem is that it's next to impossible to prove it. As with physical abuse, you can't establish a direct cause and effect scenario, i.e. "s/he hit me, now I am suffering physical injuries."
> It's not that straightforward with emotional abuse.


No I really was asking for your opinion. I am sympathetic to the controlling/emo abuse issue. I know that there are men who get right up to that line of what would constitute assault, but are too careful not to go that far. Yet they are still pretty evil people. I understand that. 

But what makes me afraid of this kind of thing is: 
1. For every 10 women legitimately in this situation there maybe 2-3? where, well the guy gets thrown in the clinker because of a run of the mill argument, wife wants to get back at him. Another scenario. I am basically the leader in my house. But this could be reframed by prosecutors as a "pattern of controlling behavior" where I held my wife captive to a scheme of dominance. Nothing could be farther from the truth than that, but prosecutors are politicians after all

2. Police and law procedures only punish men. If a man goes to police claiming to be physically or emo abused by a female he would be laughed out of the precinct. If a woman goes into police, the man is guilty until proven innocent. 

Compare abuse to murder. With murder you would think it would be more clear cut. You have a dead body after all. But in Illinois they put a moratorium on the death penalty because they founds so many wrong convictions from DNA testing. Unethical prosecution and all that. 

I used to coach a co-ed youth sports league. I quit doing this. Why on earth would I subject myself to the possibility of claims of abuse from well intentioned parents who might have a grudge. All it takes is an accusation. My name and picture are in the local paper. I get fired from my job whether I am guilty or not. I used to really like coaching too. But I always had to make sure that I didn't touch any kids. Just not worth the trouble.


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## Goldmember357

littleconfused said:


> My husband was previously married, and his ex-wife was abusive. Because that marriage failed, he acts like ours will, too.
> 
> We are currently living with roommates, and when I talk about getting our own place, he tells me that his ex-wife changed dramatically when they got their own place, so he thinks I will, too.
> 
> For Christmas, I wanted a new wedding band because I've lost a substantial amount of weight, and my current one is too big. He says he wont buy it until he feels that our marriage will work out.
> 
> Because of his previous marriage, and them both cheating on each other, he keeps me under constant lock and key. I am not allowed to go anywhere besides work, and the gym, and am not allowed to go hang out with friends (Not that I have any anymore). I am extremely faithful, but he likes to go onto online dating sites, and post as married but looking. I have caught his talking to other women about sex, but he hasn't gone out and done anything. He says he does it because he's so used to being cheated on (ie. his ex-wife).
> 
> How do I convince him that I am NOT his ex-wife, or anything like her? How do I make this work?



You have to talk it out and both need more empathy more so on his part. All in all you cannot really change him that is up for him to decide you can only change a person so much. If you truly feel your marriage will fail than it will fail and you cant stop that that is in your and your partners hands and is all likely because of both or one person's direct fault. However in the cases of marriages in which you willingly marry someone if it leads to divorce its a shame especially if you where the one who was hurt however you cannot feel entirely sorry for yourself as you chose to marry set person. 

Your marriage likely will fail if he continues his acts of talking to other women and not opening up its a shame but its unacceptable that he keeps you under such lock and key and than has the audacity to be free himself while he can go talk to other women. In addition what is more baffling is that he was also a cheater and yet you somehow have defended such past actions that are unacceptable in most peoples eyes. If he has never cheated than you have little to worry about but seeing as he married someone previously who went as low as cheating and seeing as how he also showed disregard for his relationship he to engaged in cheating which is not good at all. You chose this "man" and this "man" is now talking to other women about sex. However it seems as you are almost sympathetic to his talking of these activities as its because he was "hurt" before never mind that he was involved himself in cheating.


Best of luck


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