# What is Cheating?



## mrsbroken (Sep 23, 2009)

Ok I have been thinking again and that can be dangerous. Me and my hubby has always said that we would leave each other if the other cheated but we never asked each other what the other thought cheating was. I finally asked him what do u think cheating is and his answer was sex with someone else. My meaning is more involved my answer was where you spend time and start having feeling for someone else and also the sex part. But my question is Could/should I beleive that he didn't know having a single female as a close friend would hurt our marriage? He says that am making his EA bigger than what it was that they were just close friends. Should I still hold him to a higher standard that I have if he wasn't raised that way? Sometimes I think that am making more out of this. His best friend told me that he loves me and just wants me to stop fussing and the OW was just a close friend. He agrees that my hubby shouldn't have spend so much time with her but they were just friends. Everyone says that they were just friends and that may have been true but I beleive that given more time that they would have became more. Am I over reacting? My hubby was rasied alot different than me and sometimes I forget that I think everyone was rasied like me and my brother.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I think lying and deception play in big part in defining what I consider to be cheating. You don't have to lie about being friends with someone. And you don't wait until your spouse is in bed to call your friends.

Haven't read all of your story - but that's a part of how I define it.


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## boomer (Aug 22, 2009)

mrsbroken said:


> Ok I have been thinking again and that can be dangerous. Me and my hubby has always said that we would leave each other if the other cheated but we never asked each other what the other thought cheating was. I finally asked him what do u think cheating is and his answer was sex with someone else. My meaning is more involved my answer was where you spend time and start having feeling for someone else and also the sex part. But my question is Could/should I beleive that he didn't know having a single female as a close friend would hurt our marriage? He says that am making his EA bigger than what it was that they were just close friends. Should I still hold him to a higher standard that I have if he wasn't raised that way? Sometimes I think that am making more out of this. His best friend told me that he loves me and just wants me to stop fussing and the OW was just a close friend. He agrees that my hubby shouldn't have spend so much time with her but they were just friends. Everyone says that they were just friends and that may have been true but I beleive that given more time that they would have became more. Am I over reacting? My hubby was rasied alot different than me and sometimes I forget that I think everyone was rasied like me and my brother.


Based on the information above you might be overeacting.

I was in a similar position with my wife she was the one with the friend, it never bothered me until we started having marital issues, then I started over reacting and when I did it was because I found out he was having marital issues and he was giving my wife advice.

I guess the question is did he invest more energy into his friendship then in the marriage, seeking emotional support from her instead of you, was he lying about spending time with this friend, was this friend a secret in general? 

There needs to be a little bit more information then close friend with. I personally have some single female friends but I am most definitely not having a EA with any of them.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I'm not sure what to say, I don't think it's ever good to have a female friend while you are married, to many doubts, questions. It's needless aggravation and a spouse should know this and not put that kind of question on the table....I do think men are different than women, when it comes to emotionally attaching to someone else, they don't do it easily they don't think about it being anything more than a friendship......
It drives us crazy wondering. try to relax and just trust him at his word......


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## mrsbroken (Sep 23, 2009)

Let's see if I can make some things more clear. My hubby races a dirtcar and she has been a fan of his for 4yrs this I knew they talked from time to time on the computer and at the track I knew this. I use to go to the track alot with him but about 2yrs ago I had etopic preg. that I took bad so I started not supporting him and not going to the track and I did start fussing more telling my hubby he didn't love me and to go just find someone else. I was slowly pulling away and our fights were getting bigger and bigger to the point I was telling him not to come hoem if he went to the track. Well from what I know him and this OW started talking in late may and they talked alot during june and july I found out in Aug and told him it was me or her that he was making things worse by wanting to talk with her all the time. I will admit I was pulling away from him and making hisw life hell at home. The OW talks about what a godly women she is and God has our marriage in his hands and she was only trying to help that she didn't want to see my hubby hurt. Other than the increase in their freindship I knew about her and he just never told me he was talking more to her because he was upset over our home life. I think for the most part it was friendship but I don't think he saw that it was turning into more he just sees it as he need a friend more because I was fussing so much. Any other ? I can answer to help me know if am over reacting? thanks


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Sounds like you could be overreacting.

I've struggled a bit AFTER we separated to find good people to talk to. In general, I find it easier to talk to women. So I now have been talking a little bit more with a few old female friends. I don't believe I'm guilty of anything.

This sounds similar to what your husband is doing - it sounds like you pushed him away. Women are often easier to talk to. We expect them to be more understanding and insightful, while men will want to tell you how to FIX IT - or how to "get your woman under control." (sorry for stereotyping, guys)

Back off of your demands. Give him space - even if its a little time with her at the track or a phone call. 

Most importantly, try to find ways to remind him why he married YOU.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Yip. When you are married, friendship between opposite sexes can be a very sensitive thing and, in my opinion over time, gets onto shaky ground. My W started a "friendship" with a co-worker several years ago. It turned into an EA and eventually a PA. I won't go into it here, it was excrutiatingly painful but we have gotten past that. I really believe that there are proper ways of having opposite sex friends, and going out to private lunches, events, etc. is not EVER a proper way to do it.

In a marriage trust, privacy, and personal issues should be kept between the spouses or a professional couselor if need be. Never between two people of the opposite sex. In RARE cases amongs friends of the same sex as long as that friend is a very very close friend. Once a marital (personal) problem is relayed to another person of the opposite sex, it becomes offensive to the SO in the marriage. The feeling of betrayel and resentment starts to build up because there is some inner physiological trigger that is set off inside. People may try to deny on here, but let's be honest, the feeling of having someone of the opposite sex taking an interest in your life and being attentive and caring (i.e. a "friend") starts to make you feel good and better about yourself. The next step is the emotional gratification that you get from that and then that leads to a physical attraction. Just putting oneself in this situation irregardless of whether or not your marriage is on the rocks or not is setting oneself up to fall.

It is best to have opposite sex friends at arms length. Meaning, you go out with your SO as a couple when you meet with them, you see them at events where there are other people around that you know, you have them over the house while your SO is there, etc. I know that I will get a lot of resistance on this thought on here but I have enough evidence to know that it is what it is. Men and woman are naturally attracted to each other (unless gay and that is not what we are talking about here) and the idea that they can be just friends (develop a relationship, I am not talking about casual conversation) without ever having a thought cross their minds about sex with that other person is just ignoring the facts and naive. I believe, it is an animal instinct that is "built-in" to us that may be there to ensure the continuation of the species. I can get into anthropology and bring up the word "civlized" but this is not a history class. Just think about the notion that, we, as human beings, require nurturing from the very first day we come into this world. There is nothing written thay says, "OK, at such and such a date, you will no longer require nurturing." It just does not happen that way, so when you cease to receive nurturing (emotional and physical) from your spouse you instictively seek it elsewhere. And when you find that elsewhere (opposite sex friend), sensuality, all kinds of biological things start happening until it becomes like an aphrodisiac. It is lust and natural reflex to want to bring the relationship to the next level. It's like a powerful drug (hormones) that removes all sense of worry, fear, anxiety, self preservation and common sense and entices you to do things without regard for consequences. The need to feel wanted, valued as person, the need for touch, caressing, skin to skin contact is just too much temptation for the hurting heart; and many of these things get ignored in a marriage over time becuase we become complacent and don't work at it year after year after year. It seems to be the natural order of things; life, making a living, raising a familiy just gets the best of us and we go ninja on our mates!

Wow, I did not mean to babble on but bottom line for me is - if you are married, mutual respect and proper etiquitte for each other dictates that you do not put yourself in the situation to get burned. If you feel the need to deviate from respect for your spouse then go ahead and develop a close freindly relationship with someone of the opposite sex and over time, see where that goes. Good Luck with that!

It's simple - Don't put yourself in the position.


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

I'm on both sides of the fence with this one. 

You MAY be overreacting based on the fact that you didn't clear up your feelings on this before now. How was he even to know that this kind of relationship would hurt you? He felt that keeping himself pure sexually was what was expected of him. And he did that.

However, the big gap between your thinking on this issue is a problem. You should really make sure that he understands FROM THIS POINT ON how you feel. Then he's equipped to handle his relationships with other women in light of his love and respect for you.


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## x2startermom (Jan 8, 2010)

Cheating to me - When someone does something one knows is wrong behind someone elses back. I.E. Hubby thinks about doing illegal drugs behind wife's back. (Hubby has bad history with illegal drugs.)


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## mrsbroken (Sep 23, 2009)

Alexandra you are right I should have had this talk with him when we first started dating but I didn't because like I said I just assumed everyone thinks of cheating like my family does and I know that is wrong. Now just to get over it. I guess what bothers me is we were having problems and were talking about divorce and both of them have said that they were thinking of starting a realationship if we had went through with the divorce. They would have taken their freindship to the next level if hubby hadn't choose me. In a way I am trying to look at this as if we had a kid and assumed that he would never put his hand in fire how would he know not to do this if we haven't taught him that. I just hope that am not being played by my hubby up till this happen he was the most honest person I have ever meet.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Some of the grey area comes from not defining the rules between the spouses as to what they consider cheating. For some of us, a hug / holding hands / kiss is cheating. For hard core swingers intercourse isn't cheating, though not telling the SO about the intercourse may be. Maybe it's cheating to have lunch with soneone else, maybe flirting is just fine. Maybe texting is fine, but 30 minutes phone calls aren't.

I have some double standards too. I'm fine having lunch with a female friend. Gives me the heebie jeebies when my wife does that with a male friend. Which isn't explaining much, it's just a statement of how fuzzy things can get. 

Talk to your partner. Hash it out.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

_In a marriage trust, privacy, and personal issues should be kept between the spouses or a professional couselor if need be. Never between two people of the opposite sex. In RARE cases amongs friends of the same sex as long as that friend is a very very close friend. Once a marital (personal) problem is relayed to another person of the opposite sex, it becomes offensive to the SO in the marriage. The feeling of betrayel and resentment starts to build up because there is some inner physiological trigger that is set off inside. People may try to deny on here, but let's be honest, the feeling of having someone of the opposite sex taking an interest in your life and being attentive and caring (i.e. a "friend") starts to make you feel good and better about yourself. The next step is the emotional gratification that you get from that and then that leads to a physical attraction. Just putting oneself in this situation irregardless of whether or not your marriage is on the rocks or not is setting oneself up to fall._

DING, DING, DIND - WE HAVE A WINNER! I have never been a jealous person. Thought nothing of it when my friend(s) & spoused flirted or talked. I did the same, to me meant nothing. BUT add in the marital issues, talking to the friend about it and everything else brightlight explains above and you have my life - my H talking with my very good friend.....emotional support/fulfillment....PA!! 

Am I going to turn into this super jealous person that keeps my H on a leash? No. Not in me. But you do reevaluate your feelings. My H and I now know what went wrong and what we need to do to make sure we're never in "that" place again in our marriage that would allow this. 

You need to talk with your H and make sure you're both on the same page. Express your feelings on the issue and let him as well. As a couple you need to decide on boundaries and what you're comfortable with.


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## mrsbroken (Sep 23, 2009)

mommy2 said:


> _In a marriage trust, privacy, and personal issues should be kept between the spouses or a professional couselor if need be. Never between two people of the opposite sex. In RARE cases amongs friends of the same sex as long as that friend is a very very close friend. Once a marital (personal) problem is relayed to another person of the opposite sex, it becomes offensive to the SO in the marriage. The feeling of betrayel and resentment starts to build up because there is some inner physiological trigger that is set off inside. People may try to deny on here, but let's be honest, the feeling of having someone of the opposite sex taking an interest in your life and being attentive and caring (i.e. a "friend") starts to make you feel good and better about yourself. The next step is the emotional gratification that you get from that and then that leads to a physical attraction. Just putting oneself in this situation irregardless of whether or not your marriage is on the rocks or not is setting oneself up to fall._
> 
> DING, DING, DIND - WE HAVE A WINNER! I have never been a jealous person. Thought nothing of it when my friend(s) & spoused flirted or talked. I did the same, to me meant nothing. BUT add in the marital issues, talking to the friend about it and everything else brightlight explains above and you have my life - my H talking with my very good friend.....emotional support/fulfillment....PA!!
> 
> ...


You are right I need to sit down and deal him what I think cheating is and ask him what he wants from me I didn't know that cheating ment different things for us. So should I still be so anger that he crossed a line he didn't know he shouldn't cross? Am confussed if I should be so mad at him or just looking for an excuss for him Any ideas?


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## number8 (Jan 16, 2010)

I know most people have friend/s from the opposite sex. I have plenty of male friends, but when they are in relationship I will back off a little i.e not to have friendly flirt with them etc. Tho we still email or txt each other every week as good friends. I will also try to involve the new girlfriend into our social circle and make her know that I am also her friend. 
What I like to ask you is how much time do they spend alone together? Does she involve you in any social activities etc?

At the end of the day it's all about respecting one another. 
I am sure he will feel the same way about you if you spend too much times with your male friends.
When I started going out with my fiance, I made sure I don't spend too much time with my male friends. At the same time they always involve him in all our social gatherings.
They also send him text messages or emails sometimes just to chat so that he feels like a part of the group.

I believe cheating is when you have feelings for someone and you pursue your feelings with the person. As human beings we all sometimes have feelings for other people but if we respect our partner we will ignore that feeling and move on. Cheating can start with anyone or at anytime.

You have every right to feel the way you do and the OW should try and respect your feelings. If she is his true friend!


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

This issue with "good opposite sex friends" as that they easily turn into an EA, and EAs easily turn into PAs. Neither party may have a particular intelliectual desire to cheat and can simply enjoy the others company, but there is the risk that the situation comes about where suddenly there's a look between them and whoompf it's all on as the biology takes over. We are completely built to hook up with multiple partners on a biological level.


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## mrsbroken (Sep 23, 2009)

The OW has never tried being my friend. She is a fan of my hubby that went alittle to far were she has at every track he went too. She is 12yrs younger than me and when I talked to her after I found out her and hubby had been talking she told me she thought I knew she was talking to hubby and that I didn't care. I had seen her the week before at the track I asked why she didn't stop and talk to me then and she admitted that she was scared of me. Come on now if you were just friends why would you be scared of the wife. Any guy friend I have had I have always tried being friends with the girlfriend/wife so they wouldn't mind our friendship but this little girl wanted to play games with my hubby about how I didn't support him and he needed to leave me so they could date.Both claim nothing but friendship went on but did admit they were talking about dating if we got a divorce. I don't need him having friends like that.


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