# Desperately in need. Being mentally tortured



## Harmonica (Feb 22, 2021)

Hi all.
I had quite a bad background with my husband. We have been to hell and back several times but made it through. We have been together for 13 years. 
a few nights ago after a really petty argument he has decided to tell me he does not love me anymore , that he will always love me he still cares but not in love. Now I’m not naive by any chance but we have been through so much hardship he’s never been like this towards me. Always told me he’d fight no matter what , would never stop loving me etc.

he said he needs to clear his head and feel free. So now his is going Awall day after day. Evenings, over night you name it. Barely any contact if any. He swears no one else is involved but I find it so strange. I turned our car gps tracker on tonight and he purposely looked before he drove off then laid in to me, didn’t arrive back until 3am today. Bearing in mind today was supposed to be our ten year wedding anniversary. He couldn’t understand I needed some reassurance as he wasn’t giving me anything. Amongst all this he tells me he doesn’t want to lead me on but Monday tells me he loves me and had sex. Tells me he will leave his tracker on so I will feel better, then switched his phone off the second he leaves with nothing for over 5 hours, we have children that’s irresponsible in itself. 
I don’t recognise this person, he’s become cold and horrible. I’m trying so hard to save our marriage but I feel mentally abused right now. I just want my husband back. The more I act paranoid the more I “push him away” but again amongst this he then buys a charm for a gift which states I will always love you, how confusing is this for me if he doesn’t love me or what to be with me?!
I’m struggling I just need any advice maybe people that have been through this. 
I don’t want to throw away 13 years


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I hate to say this, but he can SAY there is "nobody else" but he sure isn't acting like that.
Can you have a PI follow him around for a few days?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

So when he wants sex, all of a sudden he loves you again. For as long as that lasts. 

He's tired of being married. If you keep taking them back, he's just going to keep roaming while married. I mean you already know he's going out and just doing whatever he wants. I can certainly understand why someone gets tired of marriage after so many years and I seriously doubt that many people who have been married as long as you have are still what young people would call in love with each other. It all becomes familial and changes. Just because a man keeps wanting to have sex doesn't mean they even care about you. It can just mean they care about sex. 

So I would take anything he says in bed or before bed with a grain of salt. I'm sure he has feelings for you or he wouldn't have stayed this long, but like you said, he wants to be free now. If that's the case he needs to do it the right way and go get an attorney and a divorce and not just go out cheating and trying to meet women and then coming home and sleeping with you. You are the only one who could control that and keep that from happening.


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## Harmonica (Feb 22, 2021)

Not at the moment no. He can’t message anyone without it showing against our phone bills. Nor can he download apps without it showing due to a shared iCloud account so it seems impossible. 
not to mention he would have nothing to lose saying there is when he’s already said he doesn’t want this anymore or doesn’t love me etc.
He is the type to sit outside on cold nights or usually go for a walk when his head gets “full” but now he needs to get as far out of the area as possible due to feeling so “trapped” “watched”

I just can’t take the mental torture anymore but don’t want to just give up. Our eldest was in bits when I briefly spoke to him, this is the thing he is an extremely good father, the past few days I can say the opposite with the way he’s been behaving. It’s been me left at home with them trying to deal with my emotions , I have anxiety so I can’t eat at the moment and I’m becoming very weak very quickly amongst feeling sick a lot. This week was supposed to be our week off together from work. I haven’t spent a second with him. 
it’s back to work next week and we lift share as we only have one car.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I am sorry but It sounds as if he is cheating otherwise where is he all these times? If you can afford it get a PI and have him followed.


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## Harmonica (Feb 22, 2021)

He has said he isn’t sure he wants to split up hense the no divorce just yet, I have asked this question myself. He’s still in two minds and I have asked him not to be impulsive if he isn’t 100% it’s like he’s going through a midlife crisis. 
we have had an amazing life together , despite some rather heavy issues. Good sex life, laughter etc. He’s just flipped a switch.


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## Harmonica (Feb 22, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I am sorry but It sounds as if he is cheating otherwise where is he all these times? If you can afford it get a PI and have him followed.


as in my reply above this just seems impossible. I can see everything against our phone bills


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Harmonica said:


> He has said he isn’t sure he wants to split up hense the no divorce just yet, I have asked this question myself. He’s still in two minds and I have asked him not to be impulsive if he isn’t 100% it’s like he’s going through a midlife crisis.
> we have had an amazing life together , despite some rather heavy issues. Good sex life, laughter etc. He’s just flipped a switch.


What do YOU want? It seems as though you're allowing him to keep you in the wings for when he wants some, but he has already stated he doesn't want to stay married to you. He's jerking you around whether intentionally or not. So I would recommend you go see a lawyer so you know what to expect. You can't control that he blindsided you but you can control your next move. You do NOT have to wait on him to decide what he wants. Ask yourself: Do you want 13 more years of hot and cold?


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## Harmonica (Feb 22, 2021)

Today was our ten year wedding anniversary. Today he’s decided to leave. He’s told me he feels peace when he isn’t with me and doesn’t miss me at all.
He’s taking his things to his mums and said to me there’s no hope. But then because we have a few things to pay off this next year he said If I want to see it as a door open that’s up to me. How can someone you’ve been married to for so long just change. How can he KNOW he’s not going to change his mind. I’m literally at odds for what to do.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

How many kids do you have and how old are they?

Since you have the kids, it makes sense that you keep the car. He can sashay around on the bus. Stop having sex with him. If he hasn't moved out yet, pack an overnight bag for yourself and the kids. The next time he comes home, put the bags and the kids in the car and disappear for a day or two. Turn off phone and all location devices and let him sit there and sweat it. Give him a taste of his own medicine.

He's being an irresponsible parent and a jerk.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Harmonica said:


> Today was our ten year wedding anniversary. Today he’s decided to leave. He’s told me he feels peace when he isn’t with me and doesn’t miss me at all.
> He’s taking his things to his mums and said to me there’s no hope. But then because we have a few things to pay off this next year he said If I want to see it as a door open that’s up to me. How can someone you’ve been married to for so long just change. How can he KNOW he’s not going to change his mind. I’m literally at odds for what to do.


I'm sorry you're here. Consult with a family lawyer and start the divorce process. Start working on detaching yourself from him. He is already gone if he tells you there is no hope. You cannot force him to stay and be a responsible father and husband. Be a responsible parent and take care of yourself and your kids. Let him go to his mom and live the single life as much as he wants. If he comes back don't accept him. In the long term you are much better off without this irresponsible selfish man. Do you have a paid job? You need to also start looking for ways to support yourself and the kids in addition to the child support and spousal support that he will owe you.


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## Harmonica (Feb 22, 2021)

I am so frightened. He is already looking at apartments to buy and we own our house together. I’m petrified we will lose the house because he will just decide to sell from under us. Our children are only 12,9. I wanted to attempt mediation but he is not the slightest bit interested. He’s been out drinking already and is acting completely fine. Back to calling women I had no idea about. How can someone just flip a switch over night and become so cold and heartless.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Harmonica said:


> I am so frightened. He is already looking at apartments to buy and we own our house together. I’m petrified we will lose the house because he will just decide to sell from under us. Our children are only 12,9. I wanted to attempt mediation but he is not the slightest bit interested. He’s been out drinking already and is acting completely fine. Back to calling women I had no idea about. How can someone just flip a switch over night and become so cold and heartless.


Believe me, it was not over night. This man has been hiding a lot of things from you. He gave you the speech. Believe it. He is not the man you married anymore. Fear is normal. A bulldozer just hit you. You just don't have any visible marks. 

(((hugs))))
Please get a lawyer and let him go physically and legally: then mourn your terrible loss. Time will heal you, but you have to get through it.


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## MamacitaForever (Jul 8, 2021)

Harmonica said:


> Hi all.
> I had quite a bad background with my husband. We have been to hell and back several times but made it through. We have been together for 13 years.
> a few nights ago after a really petty argument he has decided to tell me he does not love me anymore , that he will always love me he still cares but not in love. Now I’m not naive by any chance but we have been through so much hardship he’s never been like this towards me. Always told me he’d fight no matter what , would never stop loving me etc.
> 
> ...


I’m in the same boat I don’t know what to do. I don’t recognize him at all.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It would be best if you opened your own thread. We could help you better that way. You also wouldn't thread jack this thread.
How did he tell you it was over? Do you have children together?


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## Harmonica (Feb 22, 2021)

We have had our past issues and have a history of him emotionally cheating throughout our entire relationship. I understand the reasons why and was always happy to work through it. A few years ago I made a mistake and had an affair after a traumatic experience with a termination I felt forced into (may not have been the case but I felt that way) I felt unsupported and lost myself. I’m not innocent at all in all of this but this was several years ago and he agreed to move on from it. He’s now saying he never got over it and it’s been over three years. He has continued to have emotional affairs during those three years with some disturbing behaviour in regards to pretending to be a millionaire l, trying to make women feel like rubbish forcing photos when he knew he couldn’t pay, trying to control, pretending to be a pimp - whilst I have been committed, low emotionally and mentally but still committed. Incant handle the stress. I haven’t eaten since I’ve already lost a stone in weight. I just wanted to mediate through this.
I have sent three different lawyers emails to try and obtain advice of where to start but it’s not what I want.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

sounds a bit like the both of you are wrong and pushing each others buttons ,


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## Harmonica (Feb 22, 2021)

Can I just point out. As much as one time is one time to many I lost myself once because of a significant trauma. He’s hurt me every year for no real reason but it’s me that still wants to try. 
I know I’m in and was in the wrong for what I did. But someone shouldn’t say they’re happy to move past it then bring it up later on. I really can’t handle being criticised. I’ve done the best I can the last fewyears even though I’ve been mentally low and lost an extremely close family member.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Harmonica said:


> Can I just point out. As much as one time is one time to many I lost myself once because of a significant trauma.


What does this mean? Did you have an affair?

Your marriage is over. One of the cruelest aspects of cheating is that he has had time to come to grips what his future actions. He then springs it on you all at once. Get some support.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

He tried to forgive your transgression, but he simply couldn't. The majority of BS initially agree to reconcile, but time does its thing and they prefer to move on and try with someone else. 

I understand the feeling of ending your marriage kicking and screaming, but it is truly over. 3 years of self imposed punishment is enough. You didn't deserve that!

Love and forgive yourself by divorcing and moving on.

It's healthier than the hell you have been living these past 3 years.

He chose his path to be away from you. You must do the same and respect his wishes by setting him free.


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## Harmonica (Feb 22, 2021)

He hasn’t asked for a divorce yet. He’s keeping the “door open” if I want to see it that way, as he puts it, while we pay off a few things.
I don’t know why he always had to emotionally cheat and why it got extremely dysfunctional this time round with the pretending to be someone else. 
he is on medication for depression after this all came out in February.
I don’t want to accept he doesn’t love me. He’s not sleeping, anxious stressed and started smoking again. That’s not a correct decision made in my eyes.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Harmonica said:


> I am so frightened. He is already looking at apartments to buy and we own our house together. I’m petrified we will lose the house because he will just decide to sell from under us. Our children are only 12,9. I wanted to attempt mediation but he is not the slightest bit interested. He’s been out drinking already and is acting completely fine. Back to calling women I had no idea about. How can someone just flip a switch over night and become so cold and heartless.


How can it switch? Because he IS Cheating. You say he's a great father - NO he is not. HE is the one inflicting all this on your FAMILY -- that is not the makings of a great father.

He can't sell the house out from under you -- get with a lawyer ASAP to make sure everything is documented, that you know what your financials and custody (probably great for you since he is constantly abandoning the kids -- DOCUMENT THIS), child support, assets, etc.. You now need to protect yourself and your kids -- and NOT worry about him at all. I know it's hard for you to get past that, but you need to really take actions now for your kids and yourself.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

jlg07 said:


> How can it switch? Because he IS Cheating. You say he's a great father - NO he is not. HE is the one inflicting all this on your FAMILY -- that is not the makings of a great father.
> 
> He can't sell the house out from under you -- get with a lawyer ASAP to make sure everything is documented, that you know what your financials and custody (probably great for you since he is constantly abandoning the kids -- DOCUMENT THIS), child support, assets, etc.. You now need to protect yourself and your kids -- and NOT worry about him at all. I know it's hard for you to get past that, but you need to really take actions now for your kids and yourself.


I agree.

Protect assets for your children's sake. 

Infidelity has a ripple effect. Minimize it by protecting your young.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Harmonica said:


> Can I just point out. As much as one time is one time to many I lost myself once because of a significant trauma. He’s hurt me every year for no real reason but it’s me that still wants to try.
> I know I’m in and was in the wrong for what I did. But someone shouldn’t say they’re happy to move past it then bring it up later on. I really can’t handle being criticised. I’ve done the best I can the last fewyears even though I’ve been mentally low and lost an extremely close family member.


He may have been hurt so deeply by your affair that his love for you never recovered. 
He may have been trying to go through the motions with you, or he may have been just biding his time and getting ready to exit on his terms.
Either way, he clearly no longer feels any loyalty to you (which is understandable).

I’m sorry you’re in this situation, but at this point it’s probably best that you just end it. Don’t torture yourself by waiting around in limbo, go ahead and file yourself.


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## Harmonica (Feb 22, 2021)

I’m not ready to let go. And if he hasn’t ask for one maybe he isn’t either? Something in me tells me something inside him is still clinging on even if small.
I look around the house and realise I was happy but may not have acknowledged it because of every day stresses (work long hours, two children and my mother who is mentally ill) so I didn’t show it or seem it to him. He keeps saying he wants me to be happy and that it kills him when he sees me happy with friends and not like that with him - is that a reason to let go? It’s like he’s assuming my feelings. The reason I could be a bit more of myself at work because I was away from the stresses at home such as my mother and my eldest going through a difficult stage.

will giving him his space help? If I completely just don’t message


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Harmonica said:


> A few years ago I made a mistake and had an affair after a traumatic experience with a termination I felt forced into (may not have been the case but I felt that way) I felt unsupported and lost myself. I’m not innocent at all in all of this but this was several years ago and he agreed to move on from it


When did his emotional cheating start, before or after your affair? (not an excuse) I just want to understand the damage that's been done.


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## Harmonica (Feb 22, 2021)

Before. He’s done it since day dot. Nearly every year of us being together.
He’s still being cold. Barely talking.
He said he felt lonely while with me so he’d rather me lonely and alone and I explained that he’s been projecting his emotions into me due to keeping secrets again, whether innocent or not talking to people without my knowledge so hasn’t given the full attention to what’s important. Then he said I was probably right. Yet he said he’s already had clarity and made sure the decision was right?!


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