# feeling lost, don't know what to do



## turtlejmu99 (Nov 5, 2013)

I have been married for a little over 12 years. My husband and I only been together/known each other for about 13 years. It was a fast moving relationship. We have a 9 ,7, and 3 year old. The last few years I just haven't felt anything towards my husband. I've been just "going along with it", which I now see wasn't the right choice. I've only gotten more resentful. I did have some inappropriate/dirty texts/emails with someone in another state that my husband found out about 2 years ago. For me that was never about leaving him or getting with someone else. There was no emotional connection, but it did hurt him just the same. We tried to work through that on our own. We occasionally do a date night to be away from the kids. I ended up getting depressed. I started seeing a therapist on my own, and with my persistence, he did too. We have our first couples session next week. I'm really nervous about it. I want to be in love with him, but I feel so far away from that. I fear that once I am truly open about my feelings it will crush what little we have left. He says he would do anything to save our marriage. I'm just so tired right now. I don't know what to do.


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## 49crash (Oct 20, 2013)

Sounds similar to my wife. She just does not love me in that way anymore. She says she fought through it a few times over the last few years but now it is just gone. Not sure why people fall out of love but I do believe it happens and I'm not sure it can be fixed.


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## Kolors (Sep 27, 2013)

It can be fixed but it isn't on a short timeline. It also cannot be fixed when only one person is working on the relationship.

Sometimes it takes being taken down to nothing in a relationship before you can build a proper one. If your husband is willing to do anything to save your marriage, and you are willing to do anything to save your marriage then go get to work!

Depression is a horrible beast to deal with and it makes everything worse. Are you receiving treatment for depression or anxiety yet? IC and MC are great tools but the are just facilitators, the hard work has to be done by the two of you.

It is rough as hell to keep a relationship in the "romantic love" phase with several kids roaming around the house and it is near impossible to find the time to keep a spark alive in your relationship. Truth is, getting past this point is the hardest thing anyone has to do in order to keep a relationship alive. Read the stories of people who have been married for long periods of time, they have fallen in and out of love but they always come back to each other.

It took my wife asking me how I would feel about her getting her own apartment for me to see how bad our relationship had become, and for a period of time it just continued to get worse. I too was dealing with depression and anxiety but I saw a doctor and got all of that sorted out. Now I am like your husband, I am doing everything in my power to keep our marriage alive. My wife has went from dead set on leaving to lets give it a few months, to lets wait till next summer, to wherever she is now in her brain. I quit asking her how or relationship is doing, I just work on me and live life and enjoy our kids.

The best thing that we have done is to lay out the realism that we were near breakup and stop placing blame on each other. Get with your husband and come to terms with it and decide if you two honestly want to start from scratch again with each other, relationships sometimes need a reboot. Fall in love again slowly, there is no need to run a race to love or divorce.

Also, set some small relationship goals. Two weeks ago we chose to no longer say negative things to each other. We no longer nit pick little fights or complain about how each other do things. Did we fix any huge relationship issues? Probably not. Can we now speak to each other without the fear of being hurt by the other person? Yes. Communication gets easier and life gets easier.

As a couple, we have been together for 12 years as well. Start loving yourself and start over again.


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## turtlejmu99 (Nov 5, 2013)

I have been going to IC for the depression and relationship issues. My husband has some, but not as much. I feel like I haven't been honest for so long in our relationship, I'm afraid to now. I'm usually the supportive cheerleader. Whatever it takes to keep the family happy & going. I feel empty and drained. I don't want to talk to him or touch him anymore. I don't want to hurt him either, but I know I am. I fear that when we start the CT next week, he will be devastated at what comes out. I'm not totally sure that I want to work things out.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

What about your husband had disappointed you? His failure to pick up on your negative feelings suggests that he does not understand you well. Is that something that bothers you? Or do you feel that you have been expecting him to read your mind?

Has he gained weight?

Does look at other women?

Look at porn?

Drink?

Lack ambition?


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## turtlejmu99 (Nov 5, 2013)

We just don't seem to be on the same page about much of anything. No drinking, smoking, or porn. He's made it clear he's never even looked at another woman. I don't expect him to read my mind. When we try to communicate, it typically ends up with both of us frustrated. I feel like he doesn't really hear anything that I'm saying, from the little stuff to the big stuff. I feel suffocated. I have to explain why my therapist suggested I have some "me" time so that I'm not focusing on the past or the future. He wanted me to explain what I want to get out of it. I didn't think i was asking a lot to go for a 20 minute walk a few nights a week. I can't go out or even get through the day without several texts to see how my day is or when I'm going to be coming home. And I rarely go out. I usually have a work happy hour once a month and am only out to 5:30. Nothing extreme! So now I'm at the point I am pushing him away even more.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

can you list any positive things your husband does?


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## turtlejmu99 (Nov 5, 2013)

He's good with the kids. He helps around the house. Does the yard work. He's nice and considerate. I can't give you a major flaw. I think we spent too much time without any other people interaction that I feel smothered. I can't seem to convince him that we need other friends.


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## Kolors (Sep 27, 2013)

I can tell you this from what had been going on the last few months here. My wife felt smothered because she was in a situation where she got up, dealt with kids, went to work, picked up kids, came home, dealt with family, relaxed for an hour, an then went to sleep. This was her everyday routine for the last four years and it wore her out emotionally. I had reconnected with some friends over the last year and would go see them one Saturday a month as well as occasional business functions or work travel. My wife got to the point where she felt lost because aside from us, she had no one to share with and did not get, or take really, time away to be herself with her peers on a consistent basis.

When we started having issues she needed "time for herself" all of a sudden. If she had wanted time to see friends six months ago I never would have thought twice about it. Now that we were having near separation marriage problems it bothered the hell out of me. I did the same things your husband does, calling or texting, demanding to know when she was coming home, to the point where she just left for a weeken to force me to leave her alone and understand that she still comes home. 

It is really hard for us to see why our wives need "space" when our relationships are at their lowest point . It is scary to imagine you out alone and having a better time then you do with us. He will have to get to the point where he realizes that you are just dealing with you when you go for walks and it has nothing to do with him. You have to fight his anxiety at that point, which is quite difficult at first. It is just really hard to understand at first how we can fix problems by getting away from each other. The mind wants to constantly reel you back in before you take steps to run farther away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jess1228 (Oct 28, 2013)

I relate to your story in a lot of ways. Specifically when you say that you are scared to be truly honest as it will crush him. 

Do you get any time to yourself? You didn't mention if you SAH or work outside the home but 3 kids with what I assume to busy schedules is no joke, especially if your husband doesn't help much. Could the resentment be surrounding this? Or is the resentment that you want to feel something but don't? 

Feel free to message me if you want to chat.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

turtlejmu99 said:


> He's good with the kids. He helps around the house. Does the yard work. He's nice and considerate. I can't give you a major flaw. I think we spent too much time without any other people interaction that I feel smothered. I can't seem to convince him that we need other friends.


red flags here. you need to look AT YOURSELF to find happiness. they call this a mid life crisis. you should be opening up and communnicating with your husband, even if you dont like what you here. you are every bit as much to blame for your status in your relationship as is your husband. a divorce wont fix anything long term. figure out what you can do to bring more to your relationship, do more on your own to bring some sort of solus in your own life. take up a hobby, volunteer for things. get out and live, be positive and most of all recognize and be thnkful for the blessings you do have. 

just my .02


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## GutshotButAlive (Oct 8, 2013)

Jess1228 said:


> I relate to your story in a lot of ways. Specifically when you say that you are scared to be truly honest as it will crush him.


Sorry, I have to call BS on this one for both of you and every man or woman who has ever used this excuse to justify dishonesty. Whatever you may think about your husband he is a grown man and can handle getting his feelings hurt. You are being FAR more cruel by letting his imagination run wild with every scenario he can think of as to why you have lost interest. You have infantalized your husband in your minds into a child you have to take care of. Get over it. He isn't a child. He is a man who is hurt and he has every right to be.

You also don't want to take responsibility for your own feelings. If you tell your husband the truth, he might leave. Then you have to deal with all the emotional and financial consequences of separation and divorce. You are protecting YOU, not him. Stop pretending otherwise and tell him.


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## turtlejmu99 (Nov 5, 2013)

I know I'm not blameless in the situation I'm in. I have lost my way. But when my husband has broken down and begged me not to hurt him or break his heart, I don't know how to be honest. No, right now I'm not attracted to you, I don't need to talk to you every free minute I have. Telling him I wanted time to go for a walk by myself turned into a fight. I started going to therapy months ago. You're partially right on the honesty & him leaving, but not about the reasons. I have a good, steady job & lots of family around. I will survive just fine. I worry about the effects of my kids. How long do I go on being numb in a relationship? When will that take it's toll on them? Will this turn around? Right now I love him, but I'm not in love with him. Can that come back?


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

turtlejmu99 said:


> I know I'm not blameless in the situation I'm in. I have lost my way. But when my husband has broken down and begged me not to hurt him or break his heart, I don't know how to be honest. No, right now I'm not attracted to you, I don't need to talk to you every free minute I have. Telling him I wanted time to go for a walk by myself turned into a fight. I started going to therapy months ago. You're partially right on the honesty & him leaving, but not about the reasons. I have a good, steady job & lots of family around. I will survive just fine. I worry about the effects of my kids. How long do I go on being numb in a relationship? When will that take it's toll on them? Will this turn around? Right now I love him, but I'm not in love with him. Can that come back?


you are just looking for something new and exciting. like a kid that wore out their old toy and wants something different.

the grass isnt greener. make the most of what you have, invest in it, see it for the positives. quit waiting for your spouse to make your life interseting.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

You said that there is no emotional connection but it still hurt him. From that and other things you've said, he doesn't sound emotionally disconnected from you and you are projecting what you feel (or don't feel) on him. He will completely disconnect from you over time because you've disconnected from him.

_Posted via *Topify* using Android_


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## Kolors (Sep 27, 2013)

It can only come back if you two work to make it come back. You won't just wake up one morning in love again, it takes some major investment. Get some books, if you have been lurking for a bit there are about 100 books that people recommend her on a daily basis. 

You have to get with him, explain that you really do love him and that he is a good man but your relationship lacks the romantic love that you feel should be there. Ask for his patience and for a little space while you work out yourself. Set some ground rules for the two of you and start from scratch. Also, tell him there is noone else and you aren't in the market for someone else, you love him and want to find out if you can be in love with him like when you first met.

If you want to take a walk for 20 minutes without being bothered, dont take your phone.


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## 49crash (Oct 20, 2013)

It's almost I'm reading a post from my wife. She loves me but not in a romantic way. The difference is that even though we spend a lot of time together she also has some friends and goes out with them every other week. I work shifts so many nights she has the whole night to herself as well as the day(I'm sleeping). Still she feels smothered and just can't go on no matter what. Getting a job, more her time, ect she says just is not going to fix this. I do think it is mid life crisis and I do think you will regret it just like my wife will. But for her she has to do it or she will never know for sure. I'm letting her go even though like your husband I lover her dearly. I'll live and so will your husband. I'm not encouraging divorce but at some point you have to decide or you are going to get worse in your feeling towards him



turtlejmu99 said:


> I know I'm not blameless in the situation I'm in. I have lost my way. But when my husband has broken down and begged me not to hurt him or break his heart, I don't know how to be honest. No, right now I'm not attracted to you, I don't need to talk to you every free minute I have. Telling him I wanted time to go for a walk by myself turned into a fight. I started going to therapy months ago. You're partially right on the honesty & him leaving, but not about the reasons. I have a good, steady job & lots of family around. I will survive just fine. I worry about the effects of my kids. How long do I go on being numb in a relationship? When will that take it's toll on them? Will this turn around? Right now I love him, but I'm not in love with him. Can that come back?


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## GutshotButAlive (Oct 8, 2013)

turtlejmu99 said:


> I know I'm not blameless in the situation I'm in. I have lost my way. But when my husband has broken down and begged me not to hurt him or break his heart, I don't know how to be honest.


You BE HONEST. It doesn't matter what he broke down and said in a moment of weakness.



turtlejmu99 said:


> No, right now I'm not attracted to you, I don't need to talk to you every free minute I have. Telling him I wanted time to go for a walk by myself turned into a fight. I started going to therapy months ago.


OK, this is a problem. You husband needs to seek out therapy of his own. Asking to go for walk is not a crazy request. On the other hand, you say this has been going on for MONTHS? Months of "I don't love you but I'm not going to leave and let you grieve" is enough to drive anyone over the edge. Just GO. It's great that you have been seeing a therapist. Have you been completely honest with him/her? Have you gotten anything out of it?



turtlejmu99 said:


> You're partially right on the honesty & him leaving, but not about the reasons. I have a good, steady job & lots of family around. I will survive just fine. I worry about the effects of my kids. How long do I go on being numb in a relationship? When will that take it's toll on them? Will this turn around? Right now I love him, but I'm not in love with him. Can that come back?


More BS. Your kids will be fine. They will have some scars but all kids do. No, being "in love" can not magically come back. You have to want it back because you respect your husband as a grown man and capable human being, which you clearly do not. This will not get any better because you have no interest in making it any better.

Just leave. get and apartment or whatever. I guarantee one of four things will happen...

1. You will find the "love of your life" within six months and remarry, not because he IS the love of your life, but because in your mind he HAS to be the love of your life because you gave up your family for it.

2. You will have a long string of short relationships none of which live up to the model in your head.

3. You will end up in a semi-abusive relationship because the guilt over our divorce will never really leave you.

4. In RARE cases, you will reconcile with your husband.

How do I know? Read the forums, it's all over the place. Why do you think the story is always the same? 

I really wish you luck, but I especially wish luck to your husband. He deserves better. He has been in a loveless marriage for MONTHS because he is trying to save his family. Do you appreciate AT ALL the strength it takes to do that? I walked out on my wife after 6 weeks of the "ILYBINILWY" treatment. He must be in a living hell.


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