# My husband won't stand up for me in any situation!!!



## gypsy_22 (Oct 12, 2014)

My husband won't stand up for me in any situation!!! Time and time again over the last 4 years he has shown that he cannot stand up for me. When we first starting dating his friends hated me because they thought I was stealing him from them which is incredibly immature. Little did they know I always encouraged him to see them. They were really awful to me and we fought so many times over him refusing to speak to them. Then there was a situation at work (we worked together) where my boss and manager were bullying me and he would invite them over to our apartment frequently which enraged me! In this scenario I did convince him to talk to them about it but when he did it was so obvious that I had put him up to it. There was a couple of other incidences but the straw that broke the camel's back for me the situation we are in now. His brother had a bad divorce and I offered for him to come live with us until he got back onto his feet. I urged my husband to have a conversation with him before he moved in to establish how long he could live with us since we ourselves are newlyweds and are trying to have baby. He was unable to do this because he thought it was an awkward conversation to have. The living situation has become an absolute nightmare for me. The brother has been horribly ungrateful, does not help around the house or buy anything to contribute and mopes around constantly. I could go on and on about how terrible it has been but that's not the issue. For 8 months I've been telling my husband that I can't take it anymore and that he must talk with his brother because I need him out. My house is no longer a happy place. I have to walk on eggshells constantly and end up locked in my bedroom because it is so awkward and it is the only place I can escape. My husband when talking to me completely gets it and is on my side but still will not talk to his brother!! He would rather I be miserable than have to have a hard conversation. We got into a terrible fight over it and he went and told his brother everything but made me out to be the devil. We are trying to work it all out (with counselling) but I can't help but feel so resentful and extremely angry. I almost feel like he has cheated because I have no trust left. I want to feel safe and protected and I do not which had seriously damaged the way I feel about my husband. I need a strong man and sometimes I wonder if he is just too immature. He blames it all on the way he was raised which I do feel is where the problem stems but he is 30 years old and you can't go through the rest of your life blaming the way you were raised. He also needs to be liked by everyone which is a huge part of the problem. Any advice would be much appreciated. How do I move on?? Please help!!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You want to reproduce with this guy???

Seriously. Part of attraction for a woman has to be the protective side of a man. He could at least side with you.

If I were you, I would move out. I don't know if you have a place you could go for a while but if so, DO IT!

He is not going to get it . Maybe he will man up if he sees he is losing you.

He honestly does not sound that great. I know you might feel love for him but picture this situation with a baby boy in the house or a little daughter who is cowering in her room like you because daddy won't stand up to what needs to be stood up to in the world.

DO NOT HAVE children with this man. I feel for you and I know your heart is breaking but you need to give your heart to a man not a boy.

He is not ready to take care of a woman. I have seen marriages where the woman did not take her cue and stayed with a guy like yours. It has not gone well for them, cheating , bitterness, misery and wasted years. There are some guys who just cannot defend themselves much less a wife and children.

Sorry honey, leave him for a while and see if it shakes him enough to change. I doubt it will work but it will probably be your only option.

Time will heal if he won't step up and you will find a man who will cherish and protect you.

Take care.


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## gypsy_22 (Oct 12, 2014)

Thank you ConanHub. 

I appreciate your advice. I should say that my husband is a fantastic man in almost every other way. Extremely loving, smart, creative, hilarious, and just plain fun to be around. One of the things that attracted me to him is how amazing of a father I think he will be BUT having said that I have realized him not standing up for me is a total deal breaker and I will leave him if it continues. I told him this and he has committed to going to intensive private counselling to try and get to the bottom of why this is happening and to try and stop. 

This is all great but I just can't let it go. I feel like I need something to happen to put some closure the past events (well at least the one currently happening with his brother). He seems to think that there is nothing more to do and that he will prove that he can stand up for me the next time a situation necessitates it. How to I cope in the meantime? Or is there something that he can do to ease my mind?? I'm so lost and I'm so sick of holding on to this grudge


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Don't know if I have any advise for you, but I have comments that might provide clarity/perspective. 

30 years ago I married my first wife and for nine years of our marriage she was very conflict avoidant ... politically correct term for moral coward. It was hell to live with and was catastrophic for our marriage. Today I despise her and all cowardly people because of what she did to me through her cowardice. It's an awful scar I live with. 

I'm now in the 15th year of my second marriage and my wife is very loyal, not afraid to take a stand. It's most refreshing. I'm so glad I have her instead of my first wife.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is your brother-in-law still living with you? If so, when is he moving out?


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

You live there right? You help pay bills? Why don't YOU say something? It's your house too. You have every right to tell the brother to grow up and get out (maybe you could soften that up a little).

Why are your depending on your H for these things? If my H invited people to the house who bullied me and I specifically told my H this...I would tell them to get out my [email protected] self and my H could join them.

Your H should want to have a back bone and want to stand up for you and care about your feelings...but he doesn't. So, it's time you learn to stand up for yourself.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

He can start by getting his brother out .

You are doing well to know you won't put up with this for long.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I was married to a people pleaser for 45 years. He put everyone else -- including total strangers -- before me because of his constant need to be liked. I have no idea what it would have been like to be married to someone protective. My then-husband was always too busy worrying about whether someone might dislike him. 

Be careful.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Openminded said:


> I was married to a people pleaser for 45 years. He put everyone else -- including total strangers -- before me because of his constant need to be liked. I have no idea what it would have been like to be married to someone protective. My then-husband was always too busy worrying about whether someone might dislike him.
> 
> Be careful.


OUCH!

So sorry. Sounds like you have way too much experience with this but can provide good advice.

Did he pass away or did you eventually get out?


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## gypsy_22 (Oct 12, 2014)

Thanks everyone. I did end up standing up to both of them by calling a family meeting and putting it all on the table. I just waited so long because I really didn't think it was responsibility to have this convo plus I just wanted to see if my husband could do it or not. The brother will be out at the end of the month so that's all good but it doesn't take my resentment away. 

Do you think people pleasers can change? Can a man who isn't instinctively a protector become a protector? Can he do something in the meantime to show me he can stand up for me?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

gypsy_22 said:


> Thanks everyone. I did end up standing up to both of them by calling a family meeting and putting it all on the table. I just waited so long because I really didn't think it was responsibility to have this convo plus I just wanted to see if my husband could do it or not. The brother will be out at the end of the month so that's all good but it doesn't take my resentment away.
> 
> Do you think people pleasers can change? Can a man who isn't instinctively a protector become a protector? Can he do something in the meantime to show me he can stand up for me?


Are you wearing the "man pants" in a household? If you are assuming the position of physical dominance in the household and bullying your husband out of it, it will be hard for you to feel protected.

You want to wonder how a big strong man can be bullied out of it by a woman? Threats, lies, pushing buttons that there is no response to without putting himself into trouble, painting pictures, spinning stories.

If a woman is aggressive to enough to wear the man pants in the house, unless the man responded with an amount of physical violence and larger escalation than she can provide, then it's nothing he can do about it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I really don't think that is the case Trey. I have seen the kind of man Gypsy is dealing with and they do not know how to stand up for their wives.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> I really don't think that is the case Trey. I have seen the kind of man Gypsy is dealing with and they do not know how to stand up for their wives.


What the hell is he thinking? Its automatic for most of us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

treyvion said:


> What the hell is he thinking? Its automatic for most of us.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I am totally with you. I am actually grossed out and pretty damn angry when I see it. The caveman in me wants to go knock the holy living sh!t out of whatever is harassing the woman, kick her weak man's ass and then throw her over my shoulder and take her back to my cave.

I usually find a compromise. trying to encourage the woman and maybe pushing the point to the weak man that he is really letting himself down when he doesn't stick up for his woman.

Hey Gypsy. Would your husband post? It might not be professional but there is a lot of help here.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> OUCH!
> 
> So sorry. Sounds like you have way too much experience with this but can provide good advice.
> 
> Did he pass away or did you eventually get out?


I divorced him after DD2 (with the same AP from 30 years before). I have often thought his inability to tell others "no" contributed to his affair. His AP was one of his employees and saw a gravy train. His new wife (who was not his AP) keeps him on a very tight leash since he can't say "no". It'll be interesting to see how well she manages.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Openminded said:


> I divorced him after DD2 (with the same AP from 30 years before). I have often thought his inability to tell others "no" contributed to his affair. His AP was one of his employees and saw a gravy train. His new wife (who was not his AP) keeps him on a very tight leash since he can't say "no". It'll be interesting to see how well she manages.


I guess sometimes nice guys aren't that nice. Hope you found something better. I guess anything would be after what you went through.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> I guess sometimes nice guys aren't that nice. Hope you found something better. I guess anything would be after what you went through.


I do date but I'll never marry again. I now get along well with my ex-husband and his new wife (who isn't his AP) when I see them at family events but I am very grateful to be out of that situation and on my own. Everyone thinks my ex-husband is wonderful but they don't know what it was like to be married to him. 

I was very young when I married and I thought he would change. In reality, I don't know if nice guys can change enough. Perhaps some do. I hope the OP's husband does so she doesn't spend the rest of her life with someone who puts everyone else before her.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Openminded said:


> I do date but I'll never marry again. I now get along well with my ex-husband and his new wife (who isn't his AP) when I see them at family events but I am very grateful to be out of that situation and on my own. Everyone thinks my ex-husband is wonderful but they don't know what it was like to be married to him.
> 
> I was very young when I married and I thought he would change. In reality, I don't know if nice guys can change enough. Perhaps some do. I hope the OP's husband does so she doesn't spend the rest of her life with someone who puts everyone else before her.


Hey Gypsy, pay attention. This woman could be you in the years to come. Maybe you need a good man but not a nice one.

My wife has never referred to me as "nice" but always good.

She had two marriages before me and what struck her most about me was how protective I was of her. She never had that in her earlier relationships. The trust she had in me opened her up sexually as well. It is hard for a woman to really explore herself with a man she doesn't trust.

I am certainly sorry you tried all those years with a man like that.

Your experience is very valuable though. It can help others going through the same thing.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How old is your H?


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## NewLife2017 (Aug 16, 2014)

Hi Gypsy,
I'm so sorry & I am there with you. My SIL has been with us going on 2 years. She had an August 1 move out date but I couldn't get backup from the H even though he agreed with it. So now, there is a December 1 move out date. But what's different this time is there is also a lawyer drawing up separation papers. I will drop them in his lap if he back pedals again. I have been married 22 years to this man who is like your husband. I have been 2nd or 3rd in this marriage for too long. Be prepared for back pedaling and have consequences for this. You need to matter if not to him then at least to yourself. No one will respect you unless you respect yourself. Don't wait 22 years like I did.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Gypsy22, you married a ball-free monkey man people pleaser. These kind of wimps make the worse fathers, and are not able to put their wife as number 1. You would be a fool to think such a ***** will change. That is their nature and they are stuck that way.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> I really don't think that is the case Trey. I have seen the kind of man Gypsy is dealing with and they do not know how to stand up for their wives.


I too have seen men (and women) like this and I cannot comprehend this kind of person, nor would I want to. In fact I find this type of personality so loathsome I would banish them from the earth if I could. Guess it's a sore spot with me. Rant over.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

commonsenseisn't said:


> I too have seen men (and women) like this and I cannot comprehend this kind of person, nor would I want to. In fact I find this type of personality so loathsome I would banish them from the earth if I could. Guess it's a sore spot with me. Rant over.


I never tgought about wives who do it, even assist in the teardown. They are not looked at as weak for opening the floodgates against the husband. It really is a bad character traight to allow your partner to be piled on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

I'm soooo sorry to hear you're going through this. It would probably make me pull my hair out, one at a time until I'm completely bald. Inviting people that bullied you to the house, !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ENRAGED TO THE MAX.

Perhaps you can find the root of the problem -- why is he unable to assert himself or stand up for you? He may just need long-term counseling to help him change. However, does he see that he has a problem or does he feel he is fine? It's hard to get someone to go to counseling if he isn't aware he has a problem.

It's so crazy that he can't say no to others but can constantly say no to you by not saying no to others.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

treyvion said:


> I never tgought about wives who do it, even assist in the teardown. They are not looked at as weak for opening the floodgates against the husband. It really is a bad character traight to allow your partner to be piled on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep, my ex wife wrote the book on the fine art of cowardice and it was truly catastrophic for our marriage in the way it undermined it. Combine that with a toxic mother in law and you have the makings for Dante's seventh circle of hell. Been there, done that.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You notice your "potential" husband had a major flaw.

You then decided to marry him.

You then decided to try to make a baby with him.

You then complain that the flaw which you knew about all along is a problem for you.

Who's right and who's wrong here? 

PS Please don't make a baby before figuring out the answer to that question.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Why do you expect <insert anyone> to do your dirty work FOR you.

The problem is, YOU. YOU need to stand up for yourself and not expect anyone else to do it for you.

It's kind of like "change" thing. If you are not willing to change, no on can do it for you or help you.

Now, I think your husband should intervene at times, but it can be that he is looking for YOU to do it FIRST. He sees you be consistently steamrolled by people and probably feels by not taking action and standing up for yourself.....you enjoy this type of treatment?

This all goes back to "rely on NO ONE but YOURSELF".

PS. I still think he should stand up for you as well, but YOU need to do it first.


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

This reminds me of my marriage. We were strong and I loved him totally, however his inability to tell his exgf to f*** off every time she hit on him really got under my skin. Eventually I knew he was not going to stand up to her (family friend situation) so I LOST it on her. She backed away for a bit but then humiliated me on fb by having chats with people and talking about him in a sexual tone. At that point in time, I lost all love and respect for my husband and kicked his ass out. When you are married, your spouse should come first, not an exgf who you cannot stand up to to not rock the boat.
He tried for 4 years to win me back. I have no doubt that he loves me, but he does not support me and has no self esteem and I have 3 children to raise and I do not want a 4th.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

OP, your husband could be a people pleaser or passive agressive. PA people will always attempt to do the exact opposite of what you ask for. My mother is PA with me and so my exH. I noticed that my exh could say "no" when he wanted so he was not a pushover.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I will fully admit that I am occasionally a people pleaser. (I am female.) While this has caused some problems for me, I have learned that it actually is a boundary issue (and one that I have worked HARD to overcome. I"m MUCH better, still a work in progress.)

My exH never defended me at all. But it wasn't because he was a "nice guy," it was because he was a WUSS. He wasn't nice at all, loved to bully the kids, put himself and his wants/needs first, criticised and put down others, etc. So I would think that "nice guy" (which is what I related to myself) could perhaps be "fixed" over WUSSY BULLY, which is a personality flaw. Bottom line, is HE is going to have to do the work to "fix" this in himself. (Tell him to check out the book, Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend, along with his therapy.)

I now have a man in my life who would knock a sucker out for me. Which actually kinda intimidates me at times and I find myself trying to calm him when he gets worked up. But it feels REALLY good to know my man has my back. I never had that feeling before, not even remotely.


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