# Heartbroken after 16 years



## loyal32 (Nov 8, 2017)

For the very first time in my life I can truly say that I am in so much emotional pain that I don?t know what to do, who to talk to so I thought to pop by and share it with you

My love of my life wife, and I been together for just over 16 years and married for 10. We?ve had good, bad and great moments like every other couple but we?ve always been faithful, loving and caring to each other since day one!

Both career driven and spend a lot of time at work and as a result of that we haven?t been dedicating full-time affection on us. I am a caring man who loves her more than anything in this world but I don?t help myself and neglect her (unintentionally) as work takes over even whilst at Home!

Few months ago she told me that things weren?t working anymore, her feelings towards me had changed and she wanted to end our marriage. Shocked and devastated to hear we spend few emotional hours to raise the problems and see what we could change to make it work so we gave it another go!

Everything seemed fine, nothing was ever mentioned since until last week, when my wife tells me she isn?t in love with me anymore! It felt like a bullet went through a window but got stuck in the glass and still trying to push through! To make it even sweeter, she has fallen for somebody else & she wants to walk apart and it?s her fault and not mine!!!

My heart and emotions completely froze, just knowing my wife has been unhappy for quite some time makes me sick with myself!

I don?t want her to leave that will kill me but at the same time I would do everything to see her happy even if that wasn?t with me as I love her so much!

Not sure what?s left from here as I am coming to the realisation, this is real.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Check the phone bill


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

She most likely has a boyfriend


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Take care of yourself. Eat, sleep and realize that once she has her mind made up, there is very little you can do to changes her mind. If you do find out she is seeing someone else, file for divorce ASAP.

Sorry you are here.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

Thats sucks to feel that way when you did not see it coming. Sorry you have to go through this. Try and stay positive and responsible for your own happiness during this tough time. What does she say caused her to fall out of love with you and seek another man?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

loyal32,

I'm sorry you heard those words, twice. Unfortunately, you will have to accept that your marriage probably was not what you thought it was even before she told you the first time that things were not working for her anymore, that her feelings had changed and she wanted to end the marriage.

Most likely she had already met the man she is now with, and she did not have the courage to tell you the truth...that she was cheating. More often than not, that is the case.

When you were devastated and wanted to work on the marriage with her, she probably let you think that she was working to fix the marriage, but kept secretly seeing him, biding her time until she could bring herself to make that final blow and tell you that although she tried (which was a lie) she could not find love for you anymore. Don't expect her to admit when her affair actually started, because she will want to sanitize it by saying she met him after she informed you that she didn't love you anymore.

The truth is that she quit loving you when she met him. That is what happens. It probably won't last, though, since most affairs are based on fantasy. When they have to pay bills, experience the stresses and doldrums of life, they are not exciting anymore.j

Do you know if her affair partner is married? If he is, let his wife know. Exposing the affair helps to end it quicker.

Now is the time to get a good lawyer. She schemed with your heart, and she once she is away from you she is likely to get ugly and selfish about your financial assets as well.

Depending on how you handle intense stress, you might visit your Dr. and get an antidepressant. If you are having trouble sleeping, ask for a sleeping aid as well. You will not feel this bad forever, but while you do, it can drag you down and interfere with your life in other ways, so at least do what you can to stabilize your emotions and get your sleep.

Get a good lawyer and get his advice on your rights, responsibilities and how to protect your assets from being confiscated by her. 

Do the two of you have children together?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

She has probably been having sex with her boyfriend for quite a while. She finally decided to stop bothering with the charade.

You really should be angry. Get angry and you can deal with this much better.

Read up on this 180 they talk about here. It is linked in EleGirl's posts. Do that.

Toss your wife out.

If my wife came and told me she doesn't love me any more she better have her suitcase already packed and be headed for the door. Add to that the revelation she has been doing it with her boyfriend for a while behind my back, and she better be running for the door.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

chillymorn69 said:


> Check the phone bill





karole said:


> She most likely has a boyfriend


No need to check the phone bill, folks, she admitted to him that she is involved with another man.



loyal32 said:


> To make it even sweeter, she has fallen for somebody else & she wants to walk apart and it?s her fault and not mine!!!


 @loyal32, your wife has been having at least an emotional affair. Considering she originally brought up divorce months ago and now admits to her outside involvement with another man, I'd bet the affair is also physical. 

She says she wants a divorce, she admits to AT LEAST an emotional involvement with someone else... nothing left to do but let her go.


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## loyal32 (Nov 8, 2017)

482 said:


> Thats sucks to feel that way when you did not see it coming. Sorry you have to go through this. Try and stay positive and responsible for your own happiness during this tough time. What does she say caused her to fall out of love with you and seek another man?


I know man, it came out of nowhere I guess that?s life for some of us. The main thing mentioned was around feelings, people change so do the feelings!


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## loyal32 (Nov 8, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> chillymorn69 said:
> 
> 
> > Check the phone bill
> ...


That?s right she did admit havin an emotional affair but never would cheat on me and I believe her 100%. It?s just so heartbreaking to know that I couldn?t make her happy forever


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

loyal32 said:


> Few months ago she told me that things weren?t working anymore, her feelings towards me had changed and she wanted to end our marriage. Shocked and devastated to hear we spend few emotional hours to raise the problems and see what we could change to make it work so we gave it another go!
> 
> My wife tells me she isn't in love with me anymore!
> She has fallen for somebody else & she wants to walk apart and it's her fault and not mine!!!


My take:

She started an emotional affair about eight months ago.
She started her physical affair at that five month mark, when she told you things are not working anymore.

She finally got a commitment from her POSOM, just recently. She is in love with this new man.
And 'Foggy Bottom' is not the CIA's sole domain anymore.

Her fogged up bottom is now at it's one-hundred percent, done-it, dew point. Wet with lusty dreams come true.

She has been cheating, she has been bad.
You have been flatly, sadly, had.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Sir, whether or not this is done, it behooves you to protect yourself legally. Make sure that credit cards are secured, and bank accounts are restricted. If she leaves, you need to segregate funds immediately, and to cancel any joint cards. At this point in time, I cannot tell if this is salvageable. You seem to have been in denial or were quite ignorant of her feelings. I would, if I were you, find out who the other guy is. Are there children? If it were me, I'd be angry. From what you are saying, she was likely in an affair months ago, and you just thought that she and you were working on the marriage. It appears that she has been involved with another for at least a few months. Think back to when she first approached you. Was it you that did all of the talking? All of the signs were likely there. It is time to get angry, because, it appears that she has been going behind your back for some time.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

Boyfriend my butt! Don't give me that. It might be true. Might not. But I suspect she's saying that to convince you that it over. Doesn't matter. No one "stole" her away. I think the marriage was doomed before the point she first said something. You're clearly not a man who is impossible to love. But you have to take her at her word. It wasn't working. It's not a matter of figuring out what it was that didn't work and fixing it. And take her word for it that she doesn't love you any more. When someone has changed in a way that makes it not work any more, one of their hardest tasks may be to learn not to love, to make themselves not love the person with whom it's not going to work. It's real hard, and it hurts to do that. That alone tells you how much it had to be done. 

A couple of points. It won't kill you, for all that you feel like it will. You will, however run like a trapped rat from corner to corner, desperately wanting a way out, a way to make it all go back and be okay. Go ahead. It won't work, either. 

I don't know you, and I can't know very much from a brief post here and probably couldn't know much more if I'd bee hiding in your house watching for the past couple of years. But the more devastating it feels like, the more it's likely you could never imagine not being together. And that's called taking it for granted. Assuming. And idle hands aren't the devil's tools. Assumptions are. 

Yeah. it's real. It's been real for the hundreds of thousands of other guys it happened to who also never imagined it could happen. It's going to be a while before you can bring yourself to begin your work of new learning. When you do, I think it will largely be about never, never assuming. Always remembering in a very active and conscious way that if you forget to pay attention, what you love can slip away, can become something else without you ever noticing. Paying attention and not assuming doesn't guarantee that someone you love won't change and have to become someone who doesn't love you, but it hugely increases the chances that it won't happen, which really means that you will both have a chance to change in complimentary ways. But for your wife today, that ship has sailed. 

And I can tell with reasonable certainty grounded in experience, that there will come a day when you wish devoutly that you could go back and do that marriage over with what you're about to learn over the next months and years. That will always be some pain. But you will also likely come to see why this was inevitable, and you be so much fitter to be with that there will he great compensations.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

loyal32 said:


> That?s right she did admit havin an emotional affair but never would cheat on me and I believe her 100%. It?s just so heartbreaking to know that I couldn?t make her happy forever


An EA is cheating. You're very naive.

Yep it was sexual too. Cheaters lie a lot.

You are the type that would rather live in denial


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Common mistakes betrayed spouses make, that you should be aware of:

Thinking it's all your fault. She cheated and that's all her fault. She cheated, that's what happened to her "love" for you--- she gave it away cheaply to another man.
You'll tell yourself 1000 ways you failed HER, because you subconsciously think if it's your fault, you can fix things and get her back.
It isn't true and won't work.

You'll delay divorcing her until her guilt is gone and she then rapes you when she files herself.
File NOW.

You'll think you're a wimp for not handling the emotional turmoil and not seek medical help.
Zoloft, etc, may help save your life.

You'll consider suicide because you think your life is over and nothing but bad days are ahead. They're not. By golly God may be carrying you and helping you and your pain is blinding you to it. Just because you don't want this, doesn't mean it's not for the best.
Don't do it! I swear things will get better, but it will take a while.

You'll wallow in depression and self pity and you will SUFFER. Force yourself to exercise and get physically fit. That alone will change your life. You gotta WORK on yourself to fix your mental state.

Eventually your sadness and grief will turn to anger. Don't let it destroy you. Get help. See a doctor. 

Don't tell everyone about your pain. Find a couple of trusted friends and talk to them and let them help you. You need it.

What has happened is the worst pain a person can go through in life. You're not alone.
Let us help you. Post regularly and at least try to follow the advice of men who have been down this awful road you're traveling now.

I am sorry it happened. But we can help you get through this terrible thing of betrayal.
Bro, it's not all your fault. dont think that way. Get to work carrying on with YOUR life.
Never, ever look back. Nothing but pain there.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

loyal32 said:


> I know man, it came out of nowhere I guess that?s life for some of us. The main thing mentioned was around feelings, people change so do the feelings!


There was no indication over the years on what caused her feelings to change towards you? She never told you what caused her feelings to change? I know she is involved with another man but I'm wondering what caused her to follow through with that decision. Was she a good wife, were your needs met? Where you a good husband, were her needs met? Did she respect you as a man?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i know your hurting, and your trying to wrap your head around this, but you have to understand that more likely than not you wife has been carrying on with this individual person for some time...the woman you married 16 years ago is not the same woman as today, yes you love her still but that love represents a composite of memories and of that wedding day. today she is different, cold if you will, and even mean i dear say...but not to the new man...i know this will be tough but you need to investigate this, you need to look after yourself, you need to even protect yourself. i highly suggest you check out the 180 (you will find it on this site). Please Please do not beg her to stay, do not cry in front of her...women see this as a weakness. I am truly sorry you find yourself here, but do listen to the posters, we are here to help you.


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## loyal32 (Nov 8, 2017)

Slartibartfast said:


> Boyfriend my butt! Don't give me that. It might be true. Might not. But I suspect she's saying that to convince you that it over. Doesn't matter. No one "stole" her away. I think the marriage was doomed before the point she first said something. You're clearly not a man who is impossible to love. But you have to take her at her word. It wasn't working. It's not a matter of figuring out what it was that didn't work and fixing it. And take her word for it that she doesn't love you any more. When someone has changed in a way that makes it not work any more, one of their hardest tasks may be to learn not to love, to make themselves not love the person with whom it's not going to work. It's real hard, and it hurts to do that. That alone tells you how much it had to be done.
> 
> A couple of points. It won't kill you, for all that you feel like it will. You will, however run like a trapped rat from corner to corner, desperately wanting a way out, a way to make it all go back and be okay. Go ahead. It won't work, either.
> 
> ...


You hit the nail straight in my heart & the truth hurts! 
I haven?t been loving and caring as after many years you get used to someone always being there for you without you making any efforts! While I love my wife with all my heart (emotional state) when it comes to the saying, actions speak louder I need to go back at least 2 years to show such actions! I?ve let her slip away... 
P.S We?re still living together so we can see this through


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## loyal32 (Nov 8, 2017)

482 said:


> loyal32 said:
> 
> 
> > I know man, it came out of nowhere I guess that?s life for some of us. The main thing mentioned was around feelings, people change so do the feelings!
> ...


I was spending long hours at work & also
doing additional hours working from home. She was a good wife, respected me and would go the mile for me! I was a good husband too, respected her & would do anything for her. Through the years I started to slack at home, lack of maintenance etc & she ended doing 90% of the things on her own!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

loyal32 said:


> I was spending long hours at work & also
> doing additional hours working from home. She was a good wife, respected me and would go the mile for me! I was a good husband too, respected her & would do anything for her. Through the years I started to slack at home, lack of maintenance etc & she ended doing 90% of the things on her own!


Until she had an emotional affair and cheated on you. She sounds wonderful.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

loyal32 said:


> I was spending long hours at work & also
> doing additional hours working from home. She was a good wife, respected me and would go the mile for me! I was a good husband too, respected her & would do anything for her. Through the years I started to slack at home, lack of maintenance etc & she ended doing 90% of the things on her own!


Its ****ty that she would do something like this, says a lot about her character. It would have been better to have the decency to separate/divorce then seek out a new relationship. How were your relationships before this one? Anything similar?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

loyal32 said:


> P.S We?re still living together so we can see this through


Not while there is another guy in the picture you won't. You need to expose her affair...that is what it is as long as the two of you are still married, an AFFAIR.

No matter how much you neglected your wife (if you actually did neglect her) she made a CHOICE to cheat.

Did you also feel neglected during the last years? Did you decide to cheat? Why not?

I know you are in shock right now, but in time you will see things more clearly, and you will find your dignity and your anger. No one deserves to be cheated on.

If she was so unhappy in the marriage, she should have divorced you first, then found another guy. She is feeding you a line...she found a guy, and then then decided she was unhappy in her marriage with you. By blaming you and the marriage, she doesn't have to feel guilty for cheating on you.

So sorry to have to be so blunt, but seeing another man while one is still married is cheating. As long as she has her other guy, you don't have a chance. You need to expose her affair, tell her she can have her divorce ASAP, and only then she might wake up from her affair fog and realize what she is about to lose.

Even if she comes back to you, your marriage is forever changed. Only you know if you will be able to forgive her and not be tormented by what she did by sneaking around behind your back and lying to you for many months. I have reconciled with a husband who is 100% contrite, however I have a really hard time trusting him and letting go of the fact that he is capable of sneaking around and lying to me. I still feel like I am always looking over my shoulder. Reconciliation is very hard. If your wife comes back to you, you will have to take a serious inventory of yourself and decide if marital deception is something that you can completely forgive.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Is her boyfriend married?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

loyal32 said:


> That?s right she did admit havin an emotional affair but never would cheat on me and I believe her 100%. It?s just so heartbreaking to know that I couldn?t make her happy forever


She’s lying.

Just file for divorce and move on with your life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

loyal32 said:


> You hit the nail straight in my heart & the truth hurts!
> I haven?t been loving and caring as after many years you get used to someone always being there for you without you making any efforts! While I love my wife with all my heart (emotional state) when it comes to the saying, actions speak louder I need to go back at least 2 years to show such actions! I?ve let her slip away...
> P.S We?re still living together so we can see this through


There are 3 books that I think will help you here. They are quick reads. Read them in the order listed. They are all by Dr. Harley.

"Surviving an Affair"
"Love Busters"
"His Needs, Her Needs"

I sounds like your wife did have an emotional affair. It counts. 

The books will give you a plan of action. Do what they say to do. Do the work they say to do. Hopefully you will be able to get your wife to read "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" with you (after you read it first yourself and learn how to talk to her about this stuff) and hopefully she will do the work with you.

Someone said for you to do the 180. Do not do it until you have read the "Surviving an Affair" book. In the book, it talks about something called Plan B... Plan B is the same as the 180. Don't do the 180 until you have read the book and learn where it fits into the plan of action laid out in the book.

The purpose of the 180 is for a betrayed person to do when their spouse is still in an active affair. The betrayed does the 180 until one of 2 things happens: 1) they wayward spouse end the affair and agrees to start working on the marriage or 2) the betrayed spouse falls out of love and is ready to file for divorce. If you wife is not in an active affair, the 180 is not going to do squat for you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

And, you might have noticed by now, most of the advice given here for men who are cheated on is for them to just file for divorce and move on. You need to make up your own mind on whether or not you just want to divorce or if you want to try to work on marital recovery. The books I gave you have a plan for marital recovery and have helped a lot of people do this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@loyal32

Can you tell us more about your marriage/relationship.

In the last 2 years, about how many hours a week did you and you wife spend together, just the two of you doing date-like things? (quality time?) How much did you date?

How active was your sex life? About how much did each of you initiate and how often did each of you turn the other down?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Youre wife is going to divorce you for her affair partner. You will want to try to nice her back. It never works. The faster you file, the colder you act toward her, and quicker you move on/--- that will give you a chance at reconciliation if you were stupid enough to want it. 
Trying to nice her back and begging and pleading and using logic on why she should stay--- that will repulse her and drive her away. Guaranteed.

File immediately before you regret waiting. You can stop the process at any time.

Or you can drag this out, get screwed financially, and take longer to heal.
Up to you


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## loyal32 (Nov 8, 2017)

Thank you all for your messages! It is real it doesn?t seem that anything can change now, she has made her mind up and we will separate.

It?s so f**** hard to let it sink in and I can?t bring myself to tell anyone about it as I feel a failure


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

@loyal32 - you didn't fail, she did. She had the affair and is running away. You need to see a lawyer, asap. You need to understand the implications of filing 1st and what your financial reality will be when the D is final. You need to get the best Lawyer you can afford. This sucks, but you need information. 

Also, find out who the new man is, and if he is married or has a GF, let them know.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

You have gotten some good advice, especially from Evinrude. 99.9% of the time, when a woman says she is done, she is done. There is no going back

I was in your shoes not more than 3 years ago. My ex decided she was done and left. At first I railed against it and denied it was happening to myself. It just couldn't possibly be true! Not MY wife, not the love of my life. Not the woman who I had spent the last 25 years raising a family and building a life together! Not her!

But here is the thing, and you probably don't want to hear it - but, you have your wife on a pedestal. You still imagine she really loves you, that she would never do anything like that, that it is all just a mistake and IF ONLY...!

But the reality is, that she is done. While you do not see it now, what she has done is given you a great gift. She has given you your life back. She might not realize it, nor does she need to. But your life will get better. I guarantee you that if you are willing to take this gift and run with it, your life will be better than you can ever imagine.

So keep your eye on the future, because your possibilities are endless! Don't try to recreate what you had, but create your optimal world and become everything your potential says you can be.


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## loyal32 (Nov 8, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> loyal32 said:
> 
> 
> > You hit the nail straight in my heart & the truth hurts!
> ...


Thank you so much for the support! Will read the book. Unfortunately it?s so bad that nothing can change but at least I will learn to become a better person for the near future!

Thank you all for all the comments & advice


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

loyal32 said:


> You hit the nail straight in my heart & the truth hurts!
> I haven?t been loving and caring as after many years you get used to someone always being there for you without you making any efforts! While I love my wife with all my heart (emotional state) when it comes to the saying, actions speak louder I need to go back at least 2 years to show such actions! I?ve let her slip away...
> P.S We?re still living together so we can see this through


Sir, you can own the lack of affection etc but don't own your W choice to find OM. W should have spoken up so you can work on the marriage.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

loyal32 said:


> Thank you all for your messages! It is real it doesn?t seem that anything can change now, she has made her mind up and we will separate.
> 
> It?s so f**** hard to let it sink in and I can?t bring myself to tell anyone about it as I feel a failure


Sir, your W failed to talk to you about the marriage issues she was having. That is the only failure I see here.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

loyal32 said:


> Thank you all for your messages! It is real it doesn?t seem that anything can change now, she has made her mind up and we will separate.
> 
> It?s so f**** hard to let it sink in and I can?t bring myself to tell anyone about it as I feel a failure


You are not a failure your wife is. Rather than work on the marriage with you she went outside of it. She did this not you. No matter what you did wrong in the marriage she should have talked to you about it and worked on it with you if it was an issue for her. Instead she went outside of the marriage and that says a lot about her as a person. Even if she was telling you countless times about issues and you just refused to hear her or work on them she should have separated first then pursued another relationship, again this says a lot about her. You are better off moving on because you will never feel the same way about her. Not after something like this. Once that trust is broken its broken. You are NOT on the wrong here!


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

loyal32 said:


> You hit the nail straight in my heart & the truth hurts!
> I haven?t been loving and caring as after many years you get used to someone always being there for you without you making any efforts! While I love my wife with all my heart (emotional state) when it comes to the saying, actions speak louder I need to go back at least 2 years to show such actions! I?ve let her slip away...
> P.S We?re still living together so we can see this through


I've seen your later note that you're splitting up. 

It's easy to hit that nail when you have practice at pounding on one. There's not enough difference between your story and mine to make any difference, right down to her emotional affair, with a female friend. (That emotional affair stuff has little to do with it. Everyone needs an anchor when they're adrift.) I was where you are. ready to do anything, ready to promise anything and to follow through. But as I said, it was doomed before it came up. She had to make that very difficult effort to stop loving, in order to get back her life. 

And I can give you two pieces of great news and one bad. Let's get the bad out of the way. It's bad now and will likely get worse. You will not just get over it. Not until you begin to have cause to be happy it happened. 

And that's the good news. You have an opportunity - and not some insight - to begin becoming whole yourself. You have to do it alone. You have to find your own way. You have look and look and keep looking, because your way will just be something you come across because you're looking so hard. It may be my way. It may not. Doesn't matter. 

There's an old movie called Countryman. In it, a Rasta who is helping some off islanders who are in trouble, is so in touch with the universe that he can, in effect, so some magic. The girl in the story asks him how he does his magic. He says, "First, you have to have that intention." If you keep looking with intent, the way will appear. 

The other thing is that, as I became who I needed to be, my ex-wife became my hero. I know how terrible it was for her, how hard it was to stop loving. But with what we brought from our childhoods, we were almost the worst possible people to be together. And the nature of her issues made it doubly hard for her to act to save herself. And mine made it impossible for her to do it in any other way. She saved herself, but she also saved me. I might well not be alive today, many years later, if she hadn't. 

And today, because of what happened, I am worthy of my loving relationship. I'm far, far from perfect, but I now I know when I'm not and what needs to be done. I'm with a woman who tells me when something bothers her. (She's a woman, so she still stores it up for a little while before unloading.) But I can tell she's got something, because NOW I'M PAYING ATTENTION. 

With right intent and constant effort, that's your future. There is nothing but your own neglect that can stop you getting there. Your first job - have that intention. 

And one final note. I really hate it when people declare that this or that or the other book will fix things. Well, I'm going to give you a book. It won't fix you. No book can. That's on you. But what it can do it give you a way to quiet the terrified ego that's got you running the edges looking for a way out. It's not mystical. it's not mysterious. And it's certainly not hard. The work is largely physical, but emotions are entirely physical anyway. It merely requires a bit of effort and perhaps some faith in this recommendation. Everyday Zen. Charlotte Beck https://www.amazon.com/Everyday-Zen-Love-Work-Plus/dp/0061285897

And I also found and read Women Who Run With the Wolves. That was hard, because before it taught me, I became ashamed. https://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Ru...sr=1-1&keywords=women+who+run+with+the+wolves

So I've gone and done the book thing after all. Oh, well.


There. You showed me yours, and I showed you mine, so I guess we're even. When you're all done and all better, one day pass it all on to someone else who needs it. (And tell her she's your hero. I bet she will be.)


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## loyal32 (Nov 8, 2017)

Slartibartfast said:


> loyal32 said:
> 
> 
> > You hit the nail straight in my heart & the truth hurts!
> ...


Thank you so much for all the advice a lot makes sense I wish I could of been here before that happened! I will read the books, get through this difficult situation and you never know if I am lucky enough I might even get a new life one day just like you.

Many thanks


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

loyal32 said:


> Thank you so much for all the advice a lot makes sense I wish I could of been here before that happened! I will read the books, get through this difficult situation and you never know if I am lucky enough I might even get a new life one day just like you.
> 
> Many thanks


It's really not luck, because if you set out with intent and faithfully seek a way, it is inevitable you will get there. That is because being awake and free of illusion is the default human condition, but we have in various ways denied ourselves this state. So it's not something that has to be achieved. It's something that has to be allowed to awaken. That doesn't have to make sense right now. But one day it will.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> Sir, your W failed to talk to you about the marriage issues she was having. That is the only failure I see here.


She might not have been having any marriage issues. 

There is a great possibility that she met someone and decided to not say "No" to herself. She may have only "realized" she had marriage issues after she was smitten with the other guy in order to justify being unfaithful.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Araucaria said:


> She might not have been having any marriage issues.
> 
> There is a great possibility that she met someone and decided to not say "No" to herself. She may have only "realized" she had marriage issues after she was smitten with the other guy in order to justify being unfaithful.


I think this could be right a lot of times.... the fruit hung low and she chose to pick it because it was a new variety and smelled good, had a nice red color.
After taking a bite, she suddenly realized how bland the old potato at home was...
Then she decided she hated potatoes...


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Loyal

You're wife said she would never cheat on you, but had an emotional affair and now loves him. That's cheating. As for being physical, hell yes it is. As for being a great wife, did she consult you about having an affair? Did she consult you she was looking for another man? I doubt she did, which means she wasn't so great after all. File for divorce ASAP, list adultery and OM as the reason. Notify her employers HR department. Have her served at work before you expose to HR. Expose to her family and yours. This is not your failing, it's hers one hundred percent. Then watch her reaction. Also, if OM is married expose to OM's wife immediately. Most likely OM will go running away from your wife. 

Move her belongings to a spare bedroom, basement, or couch, whatever you have. Make this hit home for her. Shake her little snow globe world up and then watch while eating popcorn.


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## loyal32 (Nov 8, 2017)

Here we go today we had a hear to heart conversation about silly random things to figure out what went wrong and just talked for hours! We were paying full attention to each other, word by word, phrase by phrase. It was something that we hadn?t done in months, or dare to say a year!

We are realising that separation might be a blessing for the future, who knows.

Regarding comments against my Wife loyalty & faithfulness I take them with a pinch of salt! Not ever relationship that breaks is the same & none of you have lived excactly the same life of what we had & vice versa!

She didn?t fell in love with someone else, she stopped feeling the same way for me for many different reasons & know that we started to communicate things become clearer.


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Ok guys, this is my take after 17 years of marriage and still stand, even with separations, fights, hurts and cheating from both sides.
The thing with everything in life, including relationships, is that people got used to feelings and emotions.
"If I don't feel butterflies in my chest, then I don't love him/her anymore", that what the majority of people see the world now. Everything now has to filter by the emotions. Is rare to see people who live by principles. We want everything easy, we don't want to fight for things in life anymore, that's why we don't appreciate it.
With no exceptions I dare to say that all marriage had at some point some emotional downhill. Some disappointments with our spouses. Of course after a few months or years one feel no love anymore, feels boring, feels the rutines over and over again and find a sea of excuses for a divorce. That's why we're tempted to look over the fence for new venues to spark those feelings again with someone else outside marriage. Of course is our own decision if we go on with it or not.
Here Loyal, the fact the she told you she does not love you, does not mean everything's over. Of course I don't know you, her or you both situations in marriage. My case was very similar to yours. I always been a work horse to support my family and still never took care of business with the wife, dropped my guard down and there she told me she had affairs with 2 guys. That was the biggest blow I ever got in my life. I think there is always hope for repair. It takes guts, lot of work, lot of time, patient, decision, see where you made the mistakes. Work it with her. See what she likes from you and start working from there. But it has to be both of you. You need her. I don't know how mature she is but you need her to see that there is a chance. I tell you the same thing I tell my kids when they do homework or other things. They always say "it's too hard" and I always tell them: "then you be harder". I wish you the bestest with her. I'm always around if you need more comments. Thank you for your time.

Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

loyal32 said:


> We are realising that separation might be a blessing for the future, who knows.


For a future of what? Being together again? Separation will not help with that.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

loyal32 said:


> We are realising that separation might be a blessing for the future, who knows.
> 
> Regarding comments against my Wife loyalty & faithfulness I take them with a pinch of salt! Not ever relationship that breaks is the same & none of you have lived excactly the same life of what we had & vice versa!
> 
> She didn?t fell in love with someone else, she stopped feeling the same way for me for many different reasons & know that we started to communicate things become clearer.


Unless the OM is out of the picture, there is no hope for your future.

And a woman doesn't tell you she is leaving for another man if she isn't in love with him. Check her phone records. I guarantee this began before her "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" declaration. It always does.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

loyal32 said:


> Here we go today we had a hear to heart conversation about silly random things to figure out what went wrong and just talked for hours! We were paying full attention to each other, word by word, phrase by phrase. It was something that we hadn?t done in months, or dare to say a year!
> 
> We are realising that separation might be a blessing for the future, who knows.
> 
> ...



You couldn't be more wrong. Your relationship isn't "unique"...

She fell in love with another man and suddenly wasn't in love with YOU. That's nothing unique at all. What's even more normal is for you to think it's all your fault and ignore the obvious.

You just spent hours reinforcing your wife's self-forced belief that you are a weak, bad husband, that never gave her attention and you deserved to lose her. This way, in her mind she doesn't have to face guilt for what she has done.

And you are in such a weak state of mind over this you were a willing participant in her spin of your marriage.

Think what you want. Your thoughts will change in a couple of years when you can look back with a clear head.

Your wife is a cheater. Call her a great woman if you want. But nevertheless, she is nothing but a common cheater. You are unwilling to recognize that fact now, but likely will if you did any digging. You don't want to know the truth. It would hurt too much. Again, normal.
Sorry bro.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

loyal32 said:


> Here we go today we had a hear to heart conversation about silly random things to figure out what went wrong and just talked for hours! We were paying full attention to each other, word by word, phrase by phrase. It was something that we hadn?t done in months, or dare to say a year!
> 
> We are realising that separation might be a blessing for the future, who knows.
> 
> ...


I'll hit you with a 2x4. 

You are a hard worker, probably not a quitter either. But that's about where my compliments should end. 

Too some, this may become as projecting. But when my ex-wife approached me with something similar (we call it the cheaters script) I told she is free to leave. But I am staying, and the FAMILY is staying here. (Now in my case there was a kid involved.) 

She still left. 

Now maybe, you are some magically rare exception. But as of right now, the only thing you are giving her is time, time to screw you. I get it, maybe you don't have kids (I am not sure if you do. I didn't catch that part.) so you think you are bullet proof. WRONG. File, divide asssets. You don't have to be a jerk about it, just keep it equal and move on. The longer you wait, the more you have to give her when she decides it's time to remarry, or when someone whispers in her ear how terrible you are and now suddenly your flushing thousands down for a good attorney while she hodge podges it on the cheap because she took the time to figure it all out. 

I know you are hurt. Do the following. 

1) Exercise. How many pushups can you do? Are you an ideal weight? Hey, you just got betrayed big time. One of the easiest things to work on in self improvement and emotional feelings is your physical appearance. 

2) Go buy some clothes. Good clothes, clothes that allow you to notice other women looking. (Can't do that yet? Go back to step 1.) 

3) Start making plans, go on a 2 week vacation. Don't invite the wifey. Make it something you have always wanted to do. She cheated dude, you sacrificed knowingly or not. You DESERVE to do something you have wanted to do. 

4) Close ALL joint accounts. (How do you expect to pay for that vacation and clothes.) 

5) How many buddy's do you have? If you dont have at least 3 you can call now. Here is a big potential reason for your codependant insecurity. FIX IT! Get out there engaging in the things you have always wanted to do and make some male buddies. 

6) Have a hobby you said no too because it was too expensive or too dangerous, or involved the other sex and it made the wifey uncomfy. Do it, get into it. Always wanted to learn formal dancing (lots of single women there brother)? Art club your thing? Firearms? Music? Sky is the wonderful limit. 

7) If you are religious, connect to your local church. You don't have to project your marriage issues, but start enjoying the company of like minded people. Oh yeah, and cheating and being an abandoned spouse is usually highly frowned open in all circles but especially the religious type. So you can find added comfort there. 

8) Book time with a counselor

9) Go to your Doctor, get an annual physical. If you have put off new glasses, GO get them.

I hope you are in the process of doing one but preferably all these things.


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## loyal32 (Nov 8, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> loyal32 said:
> 
> 
> > We are realising that separation might be a blessing for the future, who knows.
> ...


As in blessing for a future on individual separate lives! I still love her so it?s very hard for me at this stage


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## loyal32 (Nov 8, 2017)

hope4family said:


> loyal32 said:
> 
> 
> > Here we go today we had a hear to heart conversation about silly random things to figure out what went wrong and just talked for hours! We were paying full attention to each other, word by word, phrase by phrase. It was something that we hadn?t done in months, or dare to say a year!
> ...





loyal32 said:


> Yeswecan said:
> 
> 
> > loyal32 said:
> ...


Haha you make it sound so easy! Yes we are a magical rare exception that is why is so hard to come into the reality of what happened. Neither of us would screw each other on the financial part that a virtual certainty. However we will have to migrate the joint accounts accordingly!

Yes, my first plan is to go back to the gym, haven?t been for over two years & I could do with getting a bit of better shape! Luckily I have plenty of good quality clothes in my three wardrobes just never wear them so might take you on that!

I have many friends however most of them are with girlfriend or wife which makes it a bit awkward now! I always had my freedom in that area and regularly go out on lads nights & away trips once every other month.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Separation is to try out her other man full time with you out of the way.

File and move on. Wallowing in this won't get you anything.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

"We are both realizing how a separation will be good for the future"......

No, she realized that a separation from you would be just what she needed to get some quality sack to me with her affair partner uninterrupted.

OP is still hung up in "it's my fault" land.
She's moving on at light speed because she has already detached and attached to a new penis.
OP figures if he can be nice enough and show her how insightful he is, and how badly he wants to fix the marriage, she'll jump on board and come to her senses. 

All he's doing is giving her time to get over her tiny amount of guilt, then she'll torpedo him in the divorce. 

He is going to drag his feet, wallowing in never never land, instead of doing the smart thing which is divorcing and moving on...

He will let his ex wife dictate the rest of his life....
File. Tomorrow.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

loyal32 said:


> As in blessing for a future on individual separate lives! I still love her so it?s very hard for me at this stage


She is gone dude. You are holding on to a memory. It's OK to grieve it's not OK to sacrifice your life.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

OP is very naïve.


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## jinkazama (Nov 5, 2017)

loyal32 said:


> I know man, it came out of nowhere I guess that?s life for some of us. The main thing mentioned was around feelings, people change so do the feelings!


ASK ME:laugh:

ITs their selfish choices 

Yes you are not perfect but Her Infidelity is not your problem

She is Selfish 

Just look She Find Someone else while being married to you and then inform you that she is leaving.

What about us.

they leave us alone.

I just hate these people:banghead::banghead:issed:issed:


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

loyal32 said:


> Haha you make it sound so easy! Yes we are a magical rare exception that is why is so hard to come into the reality of what happened. Neither of us would screw each other on the financial part that a virtual certainty.



Just wow.

I think the paramedics are going to have a hard time finding enough of your teeth, bone fragments and ragged bits of flesh to fill your body bag after the upcoming spectacular crash.

Oh no! Of course that can't be right since you two are the world's only known pair of magical unicorns.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Your one little bit of hope might be that she chooses you as plan B. Her boyfriend might not be nearly as serious about committing as she is. Often the boyfriend is her boss--a man who himself is married with children. Other times he's the young upstart at work. Either way, he could be a guy who has no intention of committing but rather has been telling her exactly what she wanted to hear just so she keeps putting out. He's the shoulder she cried on while he petted her hair with one hand and felt her up with the other. Your wife has been eating up all the "affection" and fantasy plans they've verbalized about running away together. She finally decided to put those plans into motion. But it's often at this point where the boyfriend gets spooked. The boss has no intention of giving up his family. The young stud has no intention of giving up his 10 other college-age girlfriends for a 30-something cheater. When the unfaithful wife makes this discovery, it usually rocks her world so badly that she immediately runs back to the support system she's always known and taken for granted. That's where you step in as plan B. People have successfully reconciled under these conditions, albeit with one big asterisk. 

And the other commenters in here are correct. Almost everyone starts their divorce with the idea that both parties will be fair. But then party A asks for something slightly unreasonable. Party B gets a little miffed, denies the request and adds a little hostility to the mix. Party A sees B's hostility and doubles it. From there things escalate to a really nasty, acrimonious situation where both parties are spending tens of thousands on attorneys just to get the kitchen spatula that neither party ever used.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> I think this could be right a lot of times.... the fruit hung low and she chose to pick it because it was a new variety and smelled good, had a nice red color.
> After taking a bite, she suddenly realized how bland the old potato at home was...
> Then she decided she hated potatoes...



Potatos, pataatoos, potatoes.

Great, baked, fried, diced, chipped.

Not great in the sack. That potato sack called a bed.

If you do not sample, eat and cook a potato....soon.
They grow ears, long and green stems.

And those ears, those stems start-a-lookin'.
For some other potato bed to lay in..and cross-fertilize.

The green stems get taken in by the lusty 'eyes' of the underground gophers.
The ones, the dirty buggers, that go-fer your' ripe nice potato of a wife.

The motto of this story:
Keep your wife eaten, her stock rotated and flipped.
Keep her doused in kisses and never play ketch-up with her exposed lip.

Keep her tater fold, warm and juicy, add a dash of salt in your urgent delivery.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> She's moving on at light speed because she has already detached and attached to a new penis.


On the above..

Wanting a new man, wanting a new penis.
A wife wanting this.

This is not a crime, not a sin, if never acted upon while married.

She is tired of the old man, wants a new one. She was given this pressure cooker some odd birthday, and this becomes a boil-over, sad day for her husband.
Knowing this and not being able to resist the impulses, the feelings, the wife should divorce her husband, not play games, not give him hope.

Divorce before getting close to a new man, a new man, a new penis..... anew. :|

And ladies, it is the penis violation, not the other man's closeness, that tears men in two, leaving them atow, their future sunk.
Towed back to drydock, their hulls torpedoed by another man's sneaky depth charge in his wife's fold, that dirty skunk.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

loyal32 said:


> Haha you make it sound so easy! Yes we are a magical rare exception that is why is so hard to come into the reality of what happened. Neither of us would screw each other on the financial part that a virtual certainty. However we will have to migrate the joint accounts accordingly!
> 
> Yes, my first plan is to go back to the gym, haven?t been for over two years & I could do with getting a bit of better shape! Luckily I have plenty of good quality clothes in my three wardrobes just never wear them so might take you on that!
> 
> I have many friends however most of them are with girlfriend or wife which makes it a bit awkward now! I always had my freedom in that area and regularly go out on lads nights & away trips once every other month.



So....

are you a troll? If you aren't, I understand. Just reading what you say, doesn't line up with any of your prior posts. 

So, when you explains to the lads what's going on. Is there an awkward silence? A solemn, OMFG moment where everyone takes a collective breathe (or holds it) waiting for the first one to break the silence. Or do you all laugh and smile while patting each other on the back and say it's OK. Are you reassuring your friends, or are your friends reassuring you? 

The way I read the score was. 
1) You work alot
2) She works alot
3) She found someone else, told you about it 3 months ago. 
4) You buckled, said you would work on stuff (too late chap) 
5) She shook her head and nodded. Because the new relationship could just be feelings. We all have them, and sometimes they fade. 
6) It wasn't feelings, she tried the waters. 3 months later, maybe she hasn't physically cheated on you, but she has emotionally. She wants out. If true, nice on her being honest. 
7) She still isn't sure about the other man. He might be plan a. Best let you know, move out, **** around, come back if it doesn't work out. You are now plan b. 


H4F calendar predictor. 

Option 1) New plan A. Maybe that's a penis, maybe that's independence, isn't what she thought it would be. After 6 months to 3 years. She comes back. Maybe to do this to you again. Who knows, you've already given permission that it's Ok. 

Option 2) Priority new plan A. Maybe it's the penis, maybe it's her independence. It's all the rage. "You were never there after all" as most of her friends whisper into her echo chambering ears. But why wait, he will be there. 6 months to 3 years (maybe more). You come into money. She divorces you for half. Or you die God forbid, she shuts your family out because after all, it's hers, she is your loving devoted wife. 

So right now these are the facts. Either way a or b, she has all the choices. You have surrendered it to her. One man to another, I hope I am wrong. Sadly, don't believe me, study some statistics on reconciliation after separation. Find out what the cost of a divorce is after infidelity vs a "trial separation". Don't forget to calculate any personal alimony (division of assets) as well if applicable now vs 3 years from now. Find out what your family's rights are to your stuff if you are still married and you are counting on her being a "good person". Do you have life insurance where she is the beneficiary? Might want to correct that too unless you trust her to "do the right thing." 

Good luck. Let us know how this shakes up, positive or negative.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

loyal32 said:


> Thank you so much for the support! Will read the book. Unfortunately it?s so bad that nothing can change but at least I will learn to become a better person for the near future!
> 
> Thank you all for all the comments & advice


Reading "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters" is essential if you want to get your marriage back on track, or prevent this from happening in the future.

In regards to your wife, it's all about her emotional state. She wants to leave because she is in love with this other man. She's in love with him because he's met her most important emotional needs, and you haven't. Your account in her love bank has run low, while his is high. If you can reverse that, by beginning to meet her most important emotional needs, then you have a good chance at reviving your marriage.

Her relationship with the other man is almost 99% likely to fail. Affair relationships very rarely work out, because they're not based on logic, or the real world. And it doesn't take long for the reality of life to shatter that illusion as soon as they start spending real time together as a couple.

So, my advice, if you love her, then fight for her. If you want to be with her, then go get her back. Read those books immediately (their guidance is crucial to this process), and do everything you can to get her into marital counseling with you. You may be a victim, but stop acting like one. This fight isn't over, and if you act appropriately, you may yet win.


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