# Is it possible to overcome a sexual aversion to your spouse?



## sisters359

I can't stand to kiss my husband or have him touch me. It's been a few years since I've let him touch me, and we just "trade rubs" where I get a foot rub and he gets off. This has been going on for a year or more, and I have felt no passion for him as long back as I can remember. It was easy to get turned on in the early days when our relationship was new, but I was never really "hot" for him. 

Are we just sexually incompatible or is this something that can be fixed?


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## They Call Me Smooth

sisters359 said:


> I can't stand to kiss my husband or have him touch me. It's been a few years since I've let him touch me, and we just "trade rubs" where I get a foot rub and he gets off. This has been going on for a year or more, and I have felt no passion for him as long back as I can remember. It was easy to get turned on in the early days when our relationship was new, but I was never really "hot" for him.
> 
> Are we just sexually incompatible or is this something that can be fixed?


A little more detail would help. What is it about him you hate? Is it physical?


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## sisters359

His lovemaking has been exactly the same forever, despite my many efforts to get him to change. I get enraged, which interferes with my ability to feel pleasure, obviously, and it got to the point where his touch actually left me feeling nothing, physically, except irritation. I did have orgasms sometimes, but not without a lot of effort and direction and insistence on my part. I began to avoid lovemaking years ago, from 2-3 times week in the first few years of our marriage, to bi-monthly, to now.


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## sunnyday7

Does he seem happy with this arrangement? I wouldnt think he would be. So he doesnt heed any of your recommendations to bettering the love making?

I know a little about how you feel, I am not physically attracted to my husband and usually just pray that the lovemaking ends quickly, which is horrible.


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## sisters359

He wanted more sex, which is why I've decided to leave. I don't want any, and I cannot see a compromise. I'm sure he'd like to make more effort now, since I've said I'm leaving, but I don't think I can stand to work through that. I'm definitely suffering from damage to my sense of my sexuality as it relates to him--I cannot see a way to get past that and view him in a sexual way, or view myself as a sexual person with him. After the constant rejection of my efforts to be more sexual, I've just given up and feel like I need to start over with someone new and won't make the same mistake again.


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## They Call Me Smooth

sisters359 said:


> He wanted more sex, which is why I've decided to leave. I don't want any, and I cannot see a compromise. I'm sure he'd like to make more effort now, since I've said I'm leaving, but I don't think I can stand to work through that. I'm definitely suffering from damage to my sense of my sexuality as it relates to him--I cannot see a way to get past that and view him in a sexual way, or view myself as a sexual person with him. After the constant rejection of my efforts to be more sexual, I've just given up and feel like I need to start over with someone new and won't make the same mistake again.


Don't count him out completely just yet. My wife gave up on me changing but the fact was I made huge changes after I realized just how bad things got.

Have you thought about seeking help? I know the last thing people want is someone helping them with things such as sex but it might help.

I guess the bigger question is, how is the marriage in all other areas? Some things aren't worth saving but if it's just the sex then maybe some things are.


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## sisters359

"Just" the sex? I cannot imagine going sexless the rest of my life. I wonder what are the chances of overcoming this type of aversion. Does anyone have an personal experience of the same? 

There are some other issues, but this is the one that makes me want to leave and makes me feel hopeless about fixing it.


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## They Call Me Smooth

sisters359 said:


> "Just" the sex? I cannot imagine going sexless the rest of my life. I wonder what are the chances of overcoming this type of aversion. Does anyone have an personal experience of the same?
> 
> There are some other issues, but this is the one that makes me want to leave and makes me feel hopeless about fixing it.


Oh don't get me wrong I believe sex is a huge part of a relationship. My question was is everything else in the marriage good? If so they you really only need to fix the sex. This to me seems worth putting in the effort to fix. If there are other issues also then maybe it's best to cut your loses now.

My wife and I have over come sex issues. Nothing near as bad as what you are describing. 

You haven't really said what it is that grosses you out but from reading your post it sounds like your husband has a fetish or two that you don't enjoy. If that's the case depending on the fetish you might be able to spin it into something you both like or replace it with something you both enjoy. If it's something really bothers you then maybe you two are jump incompatible.


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## preso

I dont know but seems to me, if you are sickened by his touch...
and don't like sex with him.. I don't know if thats something you can "make" better.
The only answer may be to be in a relationship with no sex, which is Ok with some people.
My husband and I dont have sex too often, 1-2 x a month
but thats what we agreed on, and we are both ok with it.


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## sisters359

They Call Me Smooth said:


> You haven't really said what it is that grosses you out but from reading your post it sounds like your husband has a fetish or two that you don't enjoy.


No fetish--just incredibly boring, same-way-all-the-time sex. Even if he tried now, it would not help, I'm afraid--I was turned off sooooooo many times, I cannot feel sexual around him. I have no other issue with sex--it's just sex with him. I just don't see how to get over this.


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## DownButNotOut

have you read "Mars and Venus in the Bedroom"? It's Mars/Venus but focused specifically on sexual issues. Maybe you could get him to read it with you?

It has great advice on rekindling sexual attraction, on how to "guide" a man, and on mixing it up.

The next time you're in the bookstore, take a gander at it. Maybe it could provide insight. At worst, it couldn't hurt. 

I mean...if he can turn on the charm, and can learn to give you what you'd like to be getting...is it worth a try?


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## They Call Me Smooth

sisters359 said:


> No fetish--just incredibly boring, same-way-all-the-time sex. Even if he tried now, it would not help, I'm afraid--I was turned off sooooooo many times, I cannot feel sexual around him. I have no other issue with sex--it's just sex with him. I just don't see how to get over this.


Not to make light of your situation but thats it? You just want sex to be more exciting? That grosses you out? Thats what you think can't be fixed at this point? Let me ask you something, what have you tried to make sex better? Have you dragged your man into the bed room, tore off his clothes and ****ed his brains out? If not, why not? Have you stopped by the porn shop with your man to check out some toys? Have you tried to join your man after he jumped into the shower? I'm not saying you haven't tried, I'm asking just how much effort have you put into it before you gave up?

Asking your man to be more interesting while laying on your back isn't going to cut it. Sex is an interactive sport.


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## sisters359

QUOTE
Asking your man to be more interesting while laying on your back isn't going to cut it. Sex is an interactive sport.[/QUOTE]

I have tried, very aggressively. The harder I try, the more passive he becomes. The things I like and have shown him, he will only do if I ask, time and time again. I have asked him to have sex in different places, I have tried many of the things you suggest. He always said no, so I quit asking. He wants sex in bed, at night, in one of 2 or 3 positions for intercourse. He makes oral seem like a chore. He has never initiated sex outside the bed in a lying down posiiton. He is an expert at taking without giving back. This is true in all areas of our life, but i'm pretty sure it wouldn't bother me so much if it wasn't part of our bedroom. I used to feel like a wh*re, going through all these antics to try to rev things up with no return. It's just humiliating to have a spouse who just wants to lie back and take, take, take and does not care enough to even pretend to feel enthusiastic about me or my body.


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## sisters359

I don't know if this is good or bad, but writing about it reminds me of how awful it has been. I tend to lose sight of that when i get to thinking about all the other things divorce means. . . I forget about me, I guess.


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## Tr000thSeeker

sisters359, do you have any children with him?


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## sisters359

yes, we have 2 still at home, 11 and 7.


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## Tr000thSeeker

You said he just takes and does not give. Do you feel this about the other aspects (other than sensual intimacy) of your marriage as well?


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## They Call Me Smooth

I hate to see a marriage die but it sounds like you are making more then your fair share of effort. No one should be denied their needs thats for sure. 

The only other thing I can suggest is some form of sex therapy but completely understand why someone would not want to do that.

He isn't on any medication of anything that might be killing his emotions is he?


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## DownButNotOut

sisters359 said:


> I have tried, very aggressively. The harder I try, the more passive he becomes. The things I like and have shown him, he will only do if I ask, time and time again. I have asked him to have sex in different places, I have tried many of the things you suggest. He always said no, so I quit asking. He wants sex in bed, at night, in one of 2 or 3 positions for intercourse. He makes oral seem like a chore. He has never initiated sex outside the bed in a lying down posiiton. He is an expert at taking without giving back. This is true in all areas of our life, but i'm pretty sure it wouldn't bother me so much if it wasn't part of our bedroom. I used to feel like a wh*re, going through all these antics to try to rev things up with no return. It's just humiliating to have a spouse who just wants to lie back and take, take, take and does not care enough to even pretend to feel enthusiastic about me or my body.


Seriously, sister....go out and at least glance through "Mars/Venus in the Bedroom".

If you can get him to read it with you, it might open both of your eyes on how men/women approach sex differently. And on both reinforcing and destructive behaviors.

Of course, it hasn't worked for me...but my wife leaves the room the instant the "sex" word leaves my lips. I tried to leave the book out, on our bed hoping she might glance at it, maybe open lines of communication. I came home that night to find it in the trash. *sigh*


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## Eric7

I have a similer case on wedding night, i had never been sexual relationships with my wife before wedding night,But on that night i just tried to insert my penis in to her vegina, she shouted with fear in the hotel room with pain or some thing else( not understood to me) and due to this i got very much disappointed and left her without doing any thing and slept.
But since that night i got aversion with my wife. Can any one help me out with this situation because i got serious aversion with her but i dont want ot divorce her because of my sympathetic nature.


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