# Had my HIV test yesterday



## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

My wife had a PA with a guy she works with. A completely unprotected PA. Our counselor told her she needed to get checked out. I brought this up to her the next day and she said "Well... I just had a physical...." I explained that they were checking her for married woman in a monogamous relationship type stuff. No answer. I'm getting used to that.

I went to the health department in the town where I work, and in front of a room full of mothers, told the receptionist that I needed and AIDS test. I felt like ****. The lady who did my intake paperwork had to ask if I had ever had sex with anyone who was not a female. I had to tell my sordid story of how my wife did the stupidest thing.
The woman explained that I needed the full battery of STD tests. She recommended I make an appointment for that. They're going to shove a swab in the end of my penis to take a sample because of my wife's mistake. I feel so degraded.
I told her that I had been tested tonight, and the anger came. She told me she asked for a condom the first time, but he "gave the same answer all men do," So she went ahead and put us both at risk. This really changes the way I feel about the woman I adored just eight weeks ago. That was so irresponsible!
I now have to sweat it out for 2 1/2 to 4 weeks waiting for the results. I told her that if it comes back positive, everyone will know. If she has doomed me to a life of celibacy and early death........ I hate that I'm in this situation. I hate it so very much.


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## Gfxbss (Dec 24, 2010)

I hear ya, I'm in the same boat.... I feel like I should have been notified before the first time we had unprotected sex since she slept w/ him.... It just seems courteous to me...


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

sorry u guys have to go thru this tks to yer W's.

odds r good u guys r ok, or will show up ok for now, unless 
theres more u r not telling us re: homosexuality/needle-drug
sharing use/etc.

i'm guessing u guys r young, and W's likewise. this would explain their behavior/judgment or lack thereof.

u may have bigger problems on yer horizons it seems.

i wish u peace.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I am sorry she cheated on you and risked your health.

You did the right thing getting tested. HOWEVER, even if you come back clean she could STILL infect you.

She may not have infected you yet if she has an STD.

She really needs to get tested. Do not have relations with her at all until she has proof of a clean slate.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

michzz said:


> I am sorry she cheated on you and risked your health.
> 
> You did the right thing getting tested. HOWEVER, even if you come back clean she could STILL infect you.
> 
> ...


That reminds me of my fathers wife.

Long story short...

he was rich, had a stroke 6 mo. after getting married to a bimbo. bimbo took him for a ride. cash vacations without him, even breast implants..

I go out to California to help manage his business issues cause she wasn't paying the bills while he was hospitalized...

she bonds with my wife and asks my wife " what is HPV, my doctor says i have that" - this after rumors of a Vegas hotel room and a guy leaving the room. A friend of my father;s was in the same hotel and saw it.

The STD is what got her caught. my father had a very relaxed prenuptial agreement. only clause was cheating. not only did he get away without any penalty, but we got the cash back that she took from the business.

STD = the great equalizer.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

the blister that keeps on giving.


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## upsetmommy (Apr 9, 2011)

And that would be how I found out about PA #2.. went for a checkup at my family doctor and had not had any luck getting rid of what I though was a nasty yeast infection, few days later I get a call from the nurse telling me I have TRIC, just thankful it wasn't something worse...


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

And so what are you doing about all of this---But For her A---none of this would be happening---what exactly are you doing about her cheating---or are you just giving her a free pass, and you, what about you, are you the doormat


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

The affair ended in January when his wife found out and told me. I don't have proof of it. Nothing but her word, and the fact that the one time she tried to call him for closure, his wife spotted the call on his phone and called me the same day.

As far as being young, I'm 42. My wife is 49. Age and responsibility don't always go hand in hand, it would seem.

Thanks for your kind words. I really just had to get this out. I feel like she reached up my butt as I slept and tore my heart out. She says she fell out of love with me (Don't they all?). She still can't say that she loves me, only that she's trying to figure things out. She's moving out soon to think. I really don't expect her to come back. I've tried to discuss working it out with her, but she just says noncommittal things and leaves me hanging. The experience of getting tested because of her mistake has really brought things home for me.

I think it's time to plan on moving on. 22 years wasted. At least I got some great kids out of it and some good times.

It's a scary world.


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## honeybum (Mar 7, 2011)

im going through this too. my H had PA, only 3 single times with same woman he claims but unprotected none the less! then was coming home and being intimate with me! were both getting tested next week and i have never been so scared in my life


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

honeybum said:


> im going through this too. my H had PA, only 3 single times with same woman he claims but unprotected none the less! then was coming home and being intimate with me! were both getting tested next week and i have never been so scared in my life


 It sucks, doesn't it? How the person we love could take such a stupid chance of killing us or making us sick. Her PA was in January. I didn't find out until early Feb. Lot of water under that particular bridge since then. I have so much anger over that, the fact that she had the affair, the fact that she didn't discuss her problems with me before all of this happened. It's such a horrible betrayal.

I reached the point of thought this morning that someone who would do that to me, and then just leave me hanging may not be deserving of my love. I really feel that I was a good husband. I supported our family emotionally and financially for years. I supported her dreams and aspirations. I praised her for her accomplishments, and was truly proud of her. 
I wasn't perfect, by any means. I had an emotional affair fourteen years ago that she was convinced was physical. I've spent the last 14 years trying to make that up to her. I'm a fairly heavy drinker, but never abusive verbally or physically. It has never affected my work. Maybe that was a problem. Just being honest.
I have a good job that provides well for us, and I worked tirelessly on the farm here. No job was too big for us to take on together. We have accomplished much, and are proud of that. Somewhere along the way, she doesn't know when, she decided she wasn't in love with me anymore. Instead of doing me the courtesy of telling me, she had an affair first with her boss at the time. The flirting led up for about a month. The secret meeting in his truck lasted another month before his wife started catching on and finally figured it out. The two of them (Wife and OM) have ruined so much.
I have started taking antidepressants to try to cope, but I still feel butterflies in my chest much of the time. Other times I'm just pissed off. I know I have to get myself under control in order to deal with this. Why is it so damn hard?


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## honeybum (Mar 7, 2011)

i know exactly how you are feeling. i only found out 3 weeks ago, my H's affair was similar in that it was a month or so of texting then sexting then sex. they only "did" it 3 times in space of a week then he came clean a month later. i knew he was having a ea and had my suspicions that it was more than that but he told me i had o trust him that they were just friends. how wrong was i?! 

I wish he'd come to me too and told me how he was feeling and then maybe this wouldnt have happened. we were having some problems but nothing more than most couples and i really thought it was just a rut. 

my moods are changing every hour at the moment, from complete and utter sadness and hopelessness, to positive and at this moment im very very angry. i think if he were to phone me now, i'd tell him to leave! 

our other problem is that the OW is saying shes pregnant, and is booked for a termination next week. we dont believe her as we have had some fertility problems on my husbands side. that she doesnt know about and also she told him she was after 2 weeks, and after he broke it off with her. 

she called up at his work on monday night there to try talk to him and he told her not to contact him again. he told her that i know everythng and i have access to his phone. she rang him once more after this, only her number came up unknown - obviously cos she knows i have his phone, but he didnt answer. 

the butterflies in the chest i think are the worst, cos they make me feel panicked but im trying not to go onto medication for this. but i feel i need something. i have been drinking almost every night and i know that has to stop as its not helping and could end up so easily being another big problem!


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Stopped using condoms with my husband, 2 months before we married. Reading your awful story shows that the worst things can happen when all we want to do is trust our spouses.
I don't believe in cheating, however, if I ever did something outside our marriage, you better believe I would use protection. When I was single, men tried to talk me out of using condoms all the time. I simply said that I refused to go without them.
My generation has never known a time, when the threat of AIDS wasn't constant.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

When we go into marriage, I think we end up giving much more trust than we realize. We trust our SO not to cheat, not to hurt us, not to financially ruin us. We place our sense of well being at their disposal to do what they will, and trust them not to mishandle it. If/ when they do, we're devastated. Why did this have to happen to us? Why did we open ourselves up to this? Because being alone and not trusting means something less than really being alive. That's how it feels for me, anyway.

I have been through and am still going through a whole range of emotions. I feel like no one ever loved their wife as much as I did. Nobody has ever hurt as bad as I do. Nobody is as sad as I am. I know that's bull, but that's the way it feels in my world. The butterflies in my chest come, and I think I'll lose my mind if they don't go away. The thoughts of them come. The unanswered questions enter my mind for me to fill in the blanks from my bank of worst case scenarios.

Wife got home from work a little while ago. We talked outside for a while. She's still planning on moving out soon, and can't give me an answer on how she feels about our future together. By pressuring her, she says I'm pushing her away. I know this, but am powerless to stop.
We finally arrived at the conclusion that it's over. She had stopped loving me before things started with this other man. Now that she's hurt me, why would she want the extra work of not only finding happiness with me again, but rebuilding the damage done by the affair(My words)? It wasn't what I wanted, but at least it was something definite.
Worked at my forge for a while. Hammering steel gets the aggression out. She was still up when I went in the house and wanted to talk. There's a positive that is very rare. She reminded me of when I had my EA years ago, that we separated at my request. That I needed time away to get myself straight. We talked more of how we've now both been on either side of this and understand how the other is feeling despite our current emotions. I told her that I still love her and don't want to give up. I know..... 180 and all that. I don't want to play a game. This is my life, and I'll live it honestly, no matter the result.
She said she still cares and wants some time away to get herself straight. The shame and guilt are very heavy to bear. I remember that from before. It was hard to face her when I had turned to another woman and turned my back on her. I felt like a piece of human trash. Not making excuses for her, just saying that I understand the feeling.
I told her that my fear is that I'll hang on, only to have her tell me it's over at a later date. If that's how it goes, I guess that's when I'll start living my life without her. For now, my counselor says to do things I enjoy. Tonight, I'm headed over to spend the night with friends. We'll drink beer, play guitar, sing poorly,and eat pork until we can't stand it anymore. 
Looking forward to a good night.

So..... What kind of idiot am I for doing what I'm doing? What am I doing wrong or right? I honestly want to be out of the situation I'm in, but I want to be out of it with her. She has been the good half of my life up until recently. I want that 
back. Anybody have any ideas where this might be going, or are you just as lost as I am?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I would have said your wife---was demonizing you as justification for her A---but she is also thinking maybe as you say this mge is over, so she doesn't care----you had your A, and with your alcoholic status on top of that---maybe she just doesn't want any more of this relationship

She is about to hit 50, and wants to move on by herself----this may have been an exit A. on her part

Best for you to go with the flow---move on, start a new life


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

jnj express said:


> I would have said your wife---was demonizing you as justification for her A---but she is also thinking maybe as you say this mge is over, so she doesn't care----you had your A, and with your alcoholic status on top of that---maybe she just doesn't want any more of this relationship
> 
> She is about to hit 50, and wants to move on by herself----this may have been an exit A. on her part
> 
> Best for you to go with the flow---move on, start a new life



Damn..... Just, damn. Thanks, though.


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## honeybum (Mar 7, 2011)

i really feel for you, its very obvious you love your wife and dont want the marriage to end. may be she just needs some time away to think. my H says he too feels like trash and scum, the lowest of the low as he put it but we have decided to work on it. we have been together 17 years, since we were 15 and have a young daughter. 

he said that the reason why he did it was because he thought he had fell out of love with me, what i sy to that is bs as where was the respect? i was still the mother of his child and he selfishly forgot all that we had together. he was my best friend and he betrayed me. I still love him deeply but can bearly look at him right now.

a classic case of the grass is greener - which it turns out was a muddy swamp and he came back. he says all his feelings for me are back 50 fold and he is really trying, but he says hes a broken man as he cant believe what hes done to me and himself as a person. 

we are going to start mc next week which im hoping will help, but we still have issues like we are getting tested next week and also this OW "termination" is next thursday, so im expecting some calls or texts from her for comfort from my H which he says hes not interested.

im in work now and am feeling so angry at the moment. i cannot believe the one person who i trusted more than anyone and whom i have known for since the age of 13 could do this to me


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## bird (Apr 7, 2011)

gee, mine gave UP oral, I'm so lucky!! .....:/


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

I can't understand how someone could fall out of love with you that quickly. It boggles the mind. To be together for such a long time, and then all of a sudden BAM!- "I'm not in love with you , anymore." The classic one that people are still using- "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." WTF does that mean! At least come up with something MORE original. I'm sorry to say bro, but she's checked-out. You need to look after yourself now. Your psyche doesn't need any further damage. Like you said, you have some beautiful kids that still love and appreciate you.


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> I can't understand how someone could fall out of love with you that quickly. It boggles the mind. To be together for such a long time, and then all of a sudden BAM!- "I'm not in love with you , anymore." The classic one that people are still using- "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." WTF does that mean! At least come up with something MORE original. I'm sorry to say bro, but she's checked-out. You need to look after yourself now. Your psyche doesn't need any further damage. Like you said, you have some beautiful kids that still love and appreciate you.



Maybe so, but it F.in' sucks. Damn, I hate this!


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## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

castingabout said:


> Maybe so, but it F.in' sucks. Damn, I hate this!


I'm guessing that your daughter knows about your wife's A, how does feel about her mom doing this to you? It'd be better to drop your wife now and find someone else than to live with her and be constantly reminded of what she's done to you and your family.

It's not your fault for her screwing some OM!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

twotimeloser said:


> she bonds with my wife and asks my wife " what is HPV, my doctor says i have that"


Omg. What an idiot! LOL


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"Maybe so, but it F.in' sucks. Damn, I hate this!"

Tell me about it. But I guess its worse if your spouse is not into R. I really feel for you bro. Stay up.


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

It's always on my mind, or not far from the surface. Something small sets it off.
My daughter is 18 and doesn't know about the affair. Counselor has advised wife to tell her, and so have I. I'd rather she hear it from my wife than a stranger like I did.

I have to figure this crap out. I'd really like to save it with her, but know it will take a ton of work on both of our parts to make it happen. She can't tell me where she is on it right now. Fifty some days since D day. It's killing me. She's moving out to think. I have to wait if I want it to work. In my mind, she's going for good. I'm thinking I have to give it a while and then start living again.

By the way, the night with friends went great. We sang and played and had a hell of a night that started back up again for the better part of today. Good times.

Got home after my wife had left for work. Not getting a phone call from her has brought me down some. Something that simple gets it rolling again. I will not think about the affair. Don't need to get that far down tonight.

Thank you all for the support and kind words.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

So sorry you're going through this CA. Her betrayal is even more painful, because she has endangered your health.

Reading your post made me schedule my doctor's appt. Even though my spouse used protection, there are still a few things someone can pick up even while wearing a condom. It doesn't cover the base, so you can still contract HPV and Herpes from people with active cases. At least that's what I've read, but I'll be asking lots of questions at my appointment.

Still, I felt horrible after talking to the nurse. I told her my husband had an affair and although he used protection, I want to get checked out. She was very nice and supportive, but it didn't matter, I still felt like a fool.

Hopefully after being tested and getting a clean bill of health (fingers crossed) it will help us move forward. Having to do things like blood tests and smears just is another reminder as to why we're getting tested in the first place.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Saffron said:


> So sorry you're going through this CA. Her betrayal is even more painful, because she has endangered your health.
> 
> Reading your post made me schedule my doctor's appt. Even though my spouse used protection, there are still a few things someone can pick up even while wearing a condom. It doesn't cover the base, so you can still contract HPV and Herpes from people with active cases. At least that's what I've read, but I'll be asking lots of questions at my appointment.
> 
> ...


As you mentioned, there's a number of really bad things (herpes in particular) that you can get even with a condom. And condom usage varies widely. You can get a number of diseases from oral sex (giving and receiving), and many people don't use condoms for that. If there's hanky panky before the condom goes on, there's a risk for diseases that would otherwise be protected against.

In other words, don't rely on the fact that your partner used a condom to protect you. And there's a number of diseases that don't always show obvious symptoms too.

C


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey CA---is she really moving out to think, or is she moving out to have freedom to continue her A, without you causing her grief about it---She can think in her own home----Absolutely do not finance her Apt., or anything that goes with it---In fact its time you put your money in an acct., with your name only on it---and cancel all her CC's and all joint CC's---you don't wanna get stuck paying for things, you are not involved with, nor do you wanna finance her A., with the other man


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

jnj express said:


> Hey CA---is she really moving out to think, or is she moving out to have freedom to continue her A, without you causing her grief about it---She can think in her own home----Absolutely do not finance her Apt., or anything that goes with it---In fact its time you put your money in an acct., with your name only on it---and cancel all her CC's and all joint CC's---you don't wanna get stuck paying for things, you are not involved with, nor do you wanna finance her A., with the other man


 OM was screwing her, and lying to her about another girl at work. I think his wife has him screwed down so far right now that he can't move. She did have an emotional attachment to him that she told me she finally realized was BS. She says she knows he wouldn't make a good partner because she'd always have to worry about him. Imagine that!
She says she feels like crap. Feels guilty and ashamed. She broke down crying this morning when she got home from work and told me that she's afraid to just let go and break down for fear she'll fly apart and never get it all back together. Still, I don't really see her reaching out to me. 
When I had my EA years ago, I did all that I could to comfort her, let her know how sorry I was, and make it up to her. Then again, I was in love with her. She says this happened because she decided she didn't love me anymore. The lack of comfort or visible trying hurts me. I'm getting disgusted with the whole thing at this point. The waiting starts when she moves out. She'll be able to think then. What about the last 50 some days? I'VE damn sure been thinking every minute of the day! 
I still love her, or maybe I love the memory of her. Either way, that's where I am.
As far as money, she makes less than half what I do, but works about twice as many hours as I do. Her rent and bills will come out of what she makes. ***** of it is, she took the job so we could make improvements here on the farm. Guess that will wait for now.
I know she's emotionally F.ed up, but I really wish she'd get her crap together. I don't know how much more I can stand before I give up.


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

I know I sound so stupid in all of this. I'm so emotionally screwed up. I know many of you have been here before, and I should be taking your advice, but I find myself taking what I want to hear and disregarding the rest. Maybe a 180 would help. I didn't realize that it was more to help me than to save my marriage. I really do need something to get my crap wired tight or I'm going to lose it. Right now, I live from IC appointment to IC appointment like a ball player going from base to base.
I'm sorry to be so difficult.


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## committed4life (Apr 2, 2011)

sorry to hear your plight someone people seem to act on impulse not taking into consideration the consequences of one's action


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## committed4life (Apr 2, 2011)

with all these movie about one night stands it influencing everyone to do ridiculous things


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## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

castingabout said:


> It's always on my mind, or not far from the surface. Something small sets it off.
> My daughter is 18 and doesn't know about the affair. Counselor has advised wife to tell her, and so have I. I'd rather she hear it from my wife than a stranger like I did.
> 
> I have to figure this crap out. I'd really like to save it with her, but know it will take a ton of work on both of our parts to make it happen. She can't tell me where she is on it right now. Fifty some days since D day. It's killing me. She's moving out to think. I have to wait if I want it to work. In my mind, she's going for good. I'm thinking I have to give it a while and then start living again.
> ...




Just tell your daughter yourself what your wife, her mom, did to you. I have a feeling that your wife will NOT tell her, even if she does, she may/will twist the truth around on you to make you look like the bad guy, just tell your daughter!

If anyone leaves the house, it's your wife, not you, you didn't do anything wrong!


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

My daughter checked the history of our computer, found this site and my posts. That's how she found out. She confronted us yesterday morning about it. Sorry she learned that way.
She said we both need to move on because we both look pretty stupid right now. So we're moving on. I still love my wife, but find it so hard to let go. I know I have to, but it hurts so much to do it.
I know it will get easier as time passes.


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## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

castingabout said:


> My daughter checked the history of our computer, found this site and my posts. That's how she found out. She confronted us yesterday morning about it. Sorry she learned that way.
> She said we both need to move on because we both look pretty stupid right now. So we're moving on. I still love my wife, but find it so hard to let go. I know I have to, but it hurts so much to do it.
> I know it will get easier as time passes.


Tell me, how do you look stupid? You didn't even do anything wrong, your wife did, Anyway, just Divorce her, she doesn't love you if she can put you through Hell like this!


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

I look stupid by hanging on. Understand that for the last 14 years of our 22 together (since my EA) that I have bent over backwards to try to make her happy, and as a result, been very happy myself.
It seems so unjust to me that she quietly fell out of love with me, and quietly had this affair, and won't even give me the chance for us to work on ourselves now that I know.
I want this to all be friendly, but I run either hot or cold. I will either love her or hate her, with very little in between. I don't really understand the middle ground. I don;t want to hate her, but loving her now hurts so very much. I called my boss (Who is also my closest friend) this morning on the way to work to tell him that I wouldn't be at work today. I was crying and apologizing. He's great. Asked me to call him when I got back home just to be sure I was OK. Bought myself a twelve pack of Miller and went out to my forge. I'm making hardware for the remodeling of my daughter's bathroom, towel racks and such.
Anyway.... My daughter and wife are out of town dealing with some rental property we have. I'm going shooting later on with another friend. Trying to live life around this sh... Stuff. I spent most of the morning crying and begging her. I feel so horrible and weak. Twenty some years are gone. I just feel dead.


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## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

castingabout said:


> I look stupid by hanging on. Understand that for the last 14 years of our 22 together (since my EA) that I have bent over backwards to try to make her happy, and as a result, been very happy myself.
> It seems so unjust to me that she quietly fell out of love with me, and quietly had this affair, and won't even give me the chance for us to work on ourselves now that I know.
> I want this to all be friendly, but I run either hot or cold. I will either love her or hate her, with very little in between. I don't really understand the middle ground. I don;t want to hate her, but loving her now hurts so very much. I called my boss (Who is also my closest friend) this morning on the way to work to tell him that I wouldn't be at work today. I was crying and apologizing. He's great. Asked me to call him when I got back home just to be sure I was OK. Bought myself a twelve pack of Miller and went out to my forge. I'm making hardware for the remodeling of my daughter's bathroom, towel racks and such.
> Anyway.... My daughter and wife are out of town dealing with some rental property we have. I'm going shooting later on with another friend. Trying to live life around this sh... Stuff. I spent most of the morning crying and begging her. I feel so horrible and weak. Twenty some years are gone. I just feel dead.


STOP BEGGING HER! She knows she's got you by the balls when you do this, drop her ass! Make her feel the consequences to her actions, when she feels the consequences, either she'll wake up, or ship out! Either way, you have to take care of you and your children only! Forget your wife, Divorce her ASS!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm so sorry for your lose.
I find it...interesting that even at 18 years of age your daughter sees how unattractive a man is (espeacialy a father) begging and cring.
Srry for being so harsh b/c I too know the pain, but pull your self up and stop the kind of behavior. especilly in front of the kids. Just like like your wife they want to see strong and confident men around them.
God know its hard but it is one of the sh*tty thing in life that we have to deal with. So please stop all the pity party and take control of your self. Show your family a confident man that will succeed and move forward. You knows your fife might see this change in you and come back. Who cares the point is to this manning up for your self and know one else.

Its not whats knocks us down that matters, it's how we get back up that counts.

Having a failed maarige after 20 years is tough, I know that I will be positive and focus on my self for me and only me. In my case the W came along for the ride on my term now.

You will get through this, so now is the time to show it and bring it on...bring it on for you and show every one a succeesful man that will be positive and *not* let this BS beat you.

Stay strong! and have faith you'll get through.


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

Thanks. I'm in the moving on stage now. Got a ways to go, but I know I'll be OK.


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

Got a phone call today from the health dept reminding me of my appointment for the STD screening tomorrow. When the lady told me where she was calling from, all I could think was that when I had the HIV test, the nurse told me that they only call if you come back positive. "I'm dead! I'm dead and don't even know it yet!"

Imagine my relief when I found out that it was an appointment reminder!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

No, they call for telling you the results, good or bad.

Be strong and go find out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

michzz said:


> No, they call for telling you the results, good or bad.
> 
> Be strong and go find out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 She said they wouldn't call me for a negative. That the results would take two to four weeks. When I said "You mean If I don't hear anything in four weeks, I might be OK? What happens if you call me in four weeks and two days?" She gave me the number for her extension and told me to call her in four weeks.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

In the county I live in I got tested and was given a number to call, regardless.

Even if you have something, you must find out and deal with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

michzz said:


> In the county I live in I got tested and was given a number to call, regardless.
> 
> Even if you have something, you must find out and deal with it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 I like the way they do it where you're from. I could just see myself finally thinking it was OK only to get blindsided a week later.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

They are supposed to have you come in when it's an HIV test (I think) but not all of them do it. I had one that called me in and later someone just told me it was negative across the board and one mailed me the results. The one time I was called in though I was scared as hell. Had to wait in the waiting room for a good 35 minutes (freakin doctors are always slow/backed up) just to be sat down and told "You're all clear, Jelly." Um, ok, you couldn' tell me that slyly as I waiting in the waiting room so I wouldn't have wasted my lunch break? LOL.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

My doctor's office said results take 48 hours and they'd call if there was anything to report. Went in last Wednesday, so I guess that means I'm in the clear.

They usually still send something in the mail giving the results, even when everything is negative. Guess it's to make sure nothing slips through the cracks.

Hope it's all clear for you too, four weeks is an extremely long time to wait. Hope you're being successful keeping your mind off it!


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

I have been reading your post cast, so how goes it? Hang in there Kris.


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

krismimo said:


> I have been reading your post cast, so how goes it? Hang in there Kris.


 Sorry I've been away. 

Tested negative for everything , thankfully. Wife moved out. We've vowed to be friends. That's going good. I know I will never be her husband again, and will never want to be. Why spend the rest of my life wondering if she's happy, or whether she's screwing someone else every time she goes to work? I'll always love her in the way that you love family, or the way you love a longtime friend. That is the only way now, and I feel really good about it.
I met a woman. Her husband was a habitual cheater. She's been through a lot, but is coping well. She hasn't let it ruin her or who she is. Really cool girl. Her kids and my kids get along great with each other as well as with us.
My wife knows and is happy for me. I have been honest with my wife the whole time. Not to be mean or to hurt her feelings. I'm beyond that. I just don't want any question on where I stand.
I'm also being painfully honest with the girl I'm seeing. If my wife calls for something or comes by the house, I tell her. I don't want to leave any gray areas for either of them to question. I've had all of the reindeer games I want for one lifetime, and will not play them with anyone else.
New girl, J is great. We've been in constant contact for the last two weeks. We have talked more than I can remember talking to my wife in a month. We have bared our souls to each other, warts and all. There are things I don't like about her (She likes football, Def Leppard over Led Zeppelin, Likes Kenny Chesney, only drinks one brand of beer, has never seen O Brother Where Art Thou), but I can deal with that. I tell her I'm making a list, and one more thing might be the deal breaker.
She makes me feel great. We talk and laugh. If you could only feel how she trembles when she hugs me. She laughs at my retardedness, hell, revels in it. We claim to be being careful, but I'm not sure what that means, but we're not playing with knives or shooting apples off of one another's heads.
We've both been screwed around. We're both scared of each other, but are being completely transparent. Neither of us has room for games anymore.

Don't know if any of this makes sense to anyone, but as a guy who never thought he'd ever have another good feeling again , I'm feeling pretty good.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I am glad you are back to enjoying life---and cuz you have a new person to love---I imagine a lot of the visions, and thoughts of your wife's Affair---have gone away

Make sure you are D, before becoming, to completely involved with your new love---and take things slowly---you just got burned---don't jump back in to completely, to soon


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I know that you consider yourself divorced but the fact is you are still a married man having an affair after your STBXW had hers.

What she did was wrong -just as it is wrong what you are now doing with this new woman. You have every right to divorce her for her affair and make a new life with another woman but first get divorced and take a short break from relationships, you need time to emotionally heal.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Glad to read that you are feeling better.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

You sound happy that is all that matters, and it seems like your taking things slow, no one should tell you what to do when it comes to things like that. And I don't agree with some of the posts in here, sometimes you meet people when your seperated it happens, and if you like someone what are you going to do tell them hey I'm still married but my marriage is heading in divorce, could you come back in six months to a year and I will be single?! Cmon life doesn't always work out that way. 

As long as you get the divorce and the girl just happens to still be around no harm, no foul. Every relationship and every person is diffren't. To me marriage is a piece of paper but it is also a way of thinking, and what is in your heart. If your done with her in your heart and your head and your doing what is necc to cut your ties with her (marriage) then the marriage is over, period. 

Do what makes you feel happy, and I'm glade you found someone that truly understands what you have been through, sounds like your healing with someone through this tough process. 

Keep on trucking and get those papers ready when your ready.
-Kris


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

krismimo said:


> *To me marriage is a piece of paper but it is also a way of thinking, and what is in your heart. If your done with her in your heart and your head and your doing what is necc to cut your ties with her (marriage) then the marriage is over, period.*


This is exactly the justification mindset that the cheater uses to give him/herself permission to have an affair.

What's the rush anyway? Is she the only woman in the world meant for him?

A world full of good, loving, caring women will still be there waiting AFTER he gets divorced.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

Hey, morituri? Looking at your avatar, I only have one thing to say. 

Cast In The Name Of God. Ye Not Guilty.

Sorrying, castingabout but Def Leppard over Led Zeppelin? Avoid this woman.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

:iagree:
Led Zeppelin


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

MisguidedMiscreant said:


> Hey, morituri? Looking at your avatar, I only have one thing to say.
> 
> Cast In The Name Of God. Ye Not Guilty.


LOL! Yes indeed, it is the one and only Mr Roger Smith from Big O.The epitome of male cool.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

krismimo,

It's not that I'm some sort of marriage purist or relationship zealot, but I've seen the damage that rebound relationships can do when one of the partners has not gotten over their ex-spouse.

A good woman friend of mine, who eventually divorced her ex because of his addictive philandering, fell for a good man just prior to divorcing her husband. Her husband found out about her relationship, and did the usual "forgive me, you are the only woman I have ever loved, I'll do anything to save our marriage if you give me another chance" routine that many cheaters do when they realize they will no longer be able to return to their faithful spouse. It tore her apart because while she loved the new man she met, she still had very strong feelings for her husband. What happened? she ended her relationship with the new man and gave her husband another chance. The new man also got his heart torn out.

If you do a serious search for rebound relationships you'll come across real life stories that did not end very well. 

I am not alone with this cautionary advise, go check out this post by The 13th Floor


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Everyone is diffrent and heals diffrently your not him so stop telling him things that YOu would do your not him he has made his choice this is HIS life. And I stick to my guns about who he can see or not because frankly your not him, again cast like I said before be cautious but be happy.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I think Mort is just presenting his case to help prevent heartache. I personally won't date anyone until a possible divorce is final, my husband is continuing in this toxic behavior, I won't stoop to that level. I do agree that it's cheating, unless there is an agreement such as in a legal separation or a situation like that both have agreed to date. I just know I am not a huge fan of it, but other people are not me, they have a choice, and if this is a choice a person makes, so be it, pray for the best.


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

Thanks for the well meant advice everyone. Honesty is a big part of what we do here. I think we all come here wanting to hear the things we want to hear to feel better. We end up getting hard truths. That's the beauty of TAM.

My wife and I have agreed to date. The OM is not an option for her, nor does she want anything to do with him. She's looking, and will be happier when she's no longer alone. I wish her nothing but the best. She's a good woman who was in an unhappy situation and made a stupid mistake. She's still a good person, and I will always care about her.

GF and I have discussed the similarities and differences in our failed marriages. We both understand that my wife and I were not her and her husband. The main similarity is that we both got hurt. Neither of us wants that again, and will work hard not to have it. I enjoy our conversations.

I'm having a great time. I'm going to run this until I fall on my face. In my mind, it's better to live than to exist.

Talking to her this morning, it occurred to me that I have not relied on her to make me feel better and get over my wife. though she's really making me feel good. Today I realized that the day I met her, I was feeling really good even before I saw her. I had already made the choice to live by then, and I was living.

I'm still living.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

castingabout,

My advise to you can be thought as the advise that a stranger would give a traveler regarding a dangerous piece of road up ahead where a lot people lost control of their vehicles and went off the cliff all because they went too fast and couldn't negotiate the deadly turns.

I wish you nothing but success.

P.S. Slow down when you approach those sudden turns.


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

We run down that road, then stop and look at the turns together. We discussed that we're glad we didn't meet years ago. Having seen the hard parts of life has taught us both what's important to us and what damage we can do to each other through our actions. I feel safer with the knowledge that we both know the dangers, and we agree to discuss everything. We've both see the elephant, and we know what to look out for. So says the guy running headlong off of a cliff .

My wife is cool with us. She and I were discussing her being asked out by a guy at work just last night. It's much like talking to an old friend who will never be more than that. I wish her the best, and care what happens to her. She will never be my wife again. I could never go back there. She will always be the mother of my children and a great friend.

I'd like to once again thatnk everyone here for your criticism, support, and the warmest caring thet the internet will allow. This is a wonderful site populated by good people. It is a port in a storm, and a refuge for so many. I'm glad I found TAM when I did.


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