# truly in need if mens perspective...please!



## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

my h and i have been separated for going on 5 months.

i am as devastated today as i was when he left...

i for the majority of the time know where he is and what he is doing...even now i have not been given any reason to not trust him.

he has issues from his past as well as myself. sometimes he seems willing, but most of the time it is that he does not need help...

he is in mlc and severe depression. his "NEW" friends are the opposite of how he used to be...careless, drinking way too much and very negative and one sided...against women in general...


he has said he is going to file for divorce after the first of the year...i cant stop him, nor do i intend on helping him.


my question is...emotionally for someone who still seems to be so attached...with our girls of course but also with me, how do you continue to walk away without giving it your all?

he has mentioned little things in the past that I thought were just that, to him they were very important. my mistake.

im trying to deal with it all the best i can, i am heartbroken.

his words...he is broken, its too late, he is done, he is numb.

i suffocate and trap him.

Believe it or not i feel similar, however i would not walk away so quickly.

the things he has complained about in our marriage are not so terrible that they couldnt be fixed. I guess he is just unwilling.

he opened up a bit yesterday after barely giving me a clue to his reasons...

is it a good idea for me to simply go on and correct these things that bother him?

i guess im wondering if as a man would someone even take notice?

i want a chance to save our family...might it be worth it?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

This is going to sound insensitive, so I want to clarify that I'm not asking it to be insensitive.

Can you think about, or explain why it is that you simply cannot let him crash and burn?

What is the worst thing that happens if you do ... nothing? Don't reach out. Don't offer pearls of wisdom. Don't seek contact, ask where he is at or what he is thinking ... can you do that? And if not, why not?

Yes you should work on you - but not for _him_. Self work is about re-establishing your identity and value as an individual. An independent, self-reliant individual that does not define themself or their value in terms of someone else. You know when he will notice the changes? _The moment you no longer care if he notices._

I know that you are hurting, but the manner in which you are holding on is keeping this wound open and oozing. Stop picking at it. Leave it be, and then it begins to heal.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

D,

I know. i truly do...i do not want our girls to grow up in a split home.

I know your arent being insensitive, I am a fixer...i need to understand and things that he says dont make any sense to me, its like a new language.

I am nc except for the kiddos and i do not ask questions unless it is about them of financial things.unfortunately he is our sole support.

the working on things ARE for me.in turn they may help but no matter which way it goes, i would still be a better me...


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I agree with Deejo. I think you have to work on making you as good as you can be. Either he will respond to that or he won't If he does, then great. If he doesn't, at least you are positioning yourself well for the aftermath of the divorce and hopefully finding love again.

After 5 months of this nonsense, I think you just have to wash yuor hands of him to some degree. Beat him to the punch with the divorce filing on the grounds of abandonment, and start the alimony and child support paperwork on him as well. Also you probably need to find a job and look into child care if you're going to need that as well.

At this point there have been minimal consequences to him for just leaving you in the lurch. This will continue as long as you let it, so you may as well just bring it to a close and stop being such a wreck. Right now you kids need you to be as in good shape as you can hope to be.

Sorry if that all seems a bit harsh, but I think you have to do it.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Reason and logic no longer seem to apply in these cases. We can see it, but they can't. Sorry.


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

Lost 1234
We have talked before. Please read Depression Fallout. It will explain a lot. You will understand many things, It will all make sense. It will not take the pain away but it will help you cope.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

There is also a good website and a good message board - go to depressionfallout.com and you'll find the link to their board.


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