# How to cope



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

How do you cope with the pain? What do you do for yourself to take your mind off of things?


----------



## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> How do you cope with the pain? What do you do for yourself to take your mind off of things?


there are literally 1000's of posts here to help with that, so just curl up with a cup of coffee and start reading...

If you are looking for immediate practical advice that solves nothing but gives you a good night sleep... Take 2-3 Tylenol PM and crash. 

You have to take care of yourself because you are a battle worn soldier in the war against infidelity.


----------



## once_bitten (Mar 28, 2011)

And when the 2-3 Tylenol PM doesn't work? Granted I'm working and don't get off until 6 and then have to get the kids off to school but I have slept 6 hours since Friday afternoon and when I tried to nap tonight before bed it didn't happen. I figured when your exhausted enough you will crash. I was wrong. Same thing with eating, you're hungry, starving. Belly is making all kinds of noise but food just won't make its way into your body. Seems simple enough to just eat but it isn't. 

To OP, I'm obviously very new to this, I hope to find out the answer.


----------



## HungUp (Feb 26, 2011)

Hey, I've 6 years experience with this one and I can say that what I found helped was er, mmm, nothing!

It doesn't matter what you do to take your mind of things through the day (if there ever is anything to totally take your mind of it), it's when the lights go out that I found the worst. Even if I'd had a good day and hoped for a good sleep then, nope: lights out = busy mind!

The good thing is it does get better over time. The length of time is likely personal to you and what is all involved. Whether or not your spouse has left you doubting, or if you know everything.

I wish you all well with this as I found it horrible.


----------



## redrainbows (Mar 15, 2011)

I cope by taking one day at a time and being kind to myself.
I have been reading quite a few posts this morning and realize although i am not the guilty party here i also have to do something to make this marriage work.

Everyone single person who is betrayed reacts differently as we are all individuals and what works for one person dosn't another.

The pain does fade and i am only 9 months down the line but some days it hits you from nowhere. Its then that i think you need to do something instead of letting it eat you away. Go for a walk, sit in the garden etc. Anything to take your mind off things.


----------



## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

Alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol. No, wait. That makes it worse. Throws a ladder against the wall so those bad feelings can just climb right on over.

Nothing helps. Love of your children is good. The love of friends is good. Humor really helps if you can find some. Breaking stuff works, too if you exhaust yourself in the process, but it's probably not healthy. Home improvement projects are nice as well. Right now, I have a wall to fix in my bathroom . There are two holes that are strangely big fist sized.

I wish you the very best of luck.


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I found myself the first week or so, acting like a complete zombie, just going through the motions. I wrote in a journal alot, called alot of loving friends just to talk about everything, I cleaned....alot, as for the sleeping, I didn't sleep hardly at all the first few days, but it got better. It didn't necessarily help in the sense of keeping my mind off of it, but it was better than sitting there and just wallowing. Oh and lots and lots of reading on TAM.

As for the eating? I had to force myself to eat something, for the first few days, I was lucky I ate two apples the first and second day. I went to the store and got lots of soup. It was my food staple for darn near two weeks, everytime I tried to eat something else, I felt nautious.


----------



## AJ916 (Mar 28, 2011)

For the first however long, nothing will help. And that sucks! After a while it will get better. Then you can try only allowing yourself certain portions of the day to "wallow", and you have to let yourself have time to think about it and dwell on it. But the rest of the day try visualization. Think of a big stop sign everytime you catch yourself obsessing over it, then try to force yourself to focus on the task at hand (work, kids, tv show, book). I don't know, worked for me.

The eating is hard too... my advice is to stock up on things you love that are high in calories. If you aren't going to eat much in quantity (which I could not) try to make up for it on the back end. For example I would have zero appetite all day, but would suddenly be ravinous at 7:00 at night although I knew after 5 or 6 bites I'd not want whatever it was I was eating anymore. So, I'd make sure those few bites were something really filling and high in calories/protien/etc. Getting sick on top of everything else wasn't going to do me any good.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Remember my "practical advice"? http://talkaboutmarriage.com/284777-post18.html There is a reason why I tell that to someone who has just discovered infidelity. The first week or so you just DON"T sleep or eat, but in your zombie state you still have life to do like taking care of the kids, going to work, etc. This is why I recommend going to buy lotion tissue and soup...and I'm not kidding. Even though you have no desire to eat, if you warm up soup and just do it...it's at least nutrition, and like I said you can get it past the lump in your throat. 

Regarding sleeping, I went for about a year or two with about 4 hours a sleep a night. I personally *HATE* the way that sleeping pills make me feel in the morning (like I'm walking through mud) so I suggest buying some melatonin 5mg, which is a naturally occurring hormone that helps regulate your sleep cycle. So here's how my nights went: I would notice it's midnight and try to "lay down." I would lay there in the dark for a while and not fall asleep, so I'd wake up and journal--in case there was something "in my head" that needed to come out. Then I would try reading (as sometimes reading made me sleepy). Next I would try to do something productive because I'm awake...why not, right? Finally I'd try laying down and I would take a melatonin to try to help me go to sleep if possible.


----------



## MountainofEmotions (Mar 22, 2011)

The truely one thing that has helped me is exercise. During the first week after, I ran, and ran and ran. Probably in a symbolic effort to run away. However, I realized I was losing weight, 16 lbs. so far. Not only am I continuing to lose weight, look better, feel better physically, if help me sleep and deal with the stress.
So I am going to look very desirable, just in case.


----------



## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

castingabout said:


> Alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol. No, wait. That makes it worse.
> 
> Right now, I have a wall to fix in my bathroom . There are two holes that are strangely big fist sized.


Strange how that combination seems to go hand in hand. 

Cheating spouse + Alcohol = Fist sized holes in the wall to fix.

I very rarely drink alcohol. On the couple of nights when the WTF factor were the most high, I went to a local bar. (Cab ride home) Funny how my home improvement list was larger the next day. Mine are in the hall.


----------



## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

MountainofEmotions said:


> The truely one thing that has helped me is exercise. During the first week after, I ran, and ran and ran. Probably in a symbolic effort to run away. However, I realized I was losing weight, 16 lbs. so far. Not only am I continuing to lose weight, look better, feel better physically, if help me sleep and deal with the stress.
> So I am going to look very desirable, just in case.


This looks to be fairly common as well. I've lost 25 pounds in 2 months. That isn't a healthy rate, but my body looks better than it has in years. That is further encouragement to exercise to enhance the effect. The physical pain of the soreness seems to take some of the edge off of the emotional pain.

Protein shakes are high in calories and a good blend of healthy stuff. I can get a chocolate one down even on a horrible day. Exercise seems to also have increased my appetite.

Playing with the kids is about the best thing that helps me. Just making them laugh and smile is excellent medicine for a hurting heart.


----------



## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

One more thing someone had mentioned that helps me somewhat. Music. Turn on some good ol music and dance in your chair at work. Small moves contracting upper abs. I would look crazy if anyone walks in, but it is starting to develop something resembling a 6-pack (with a lot of imagination. lol). Concentrating on anything, I suppose, would help to take your mind off of the pain.


----------



## Chrono (Mar 23, 2011)

MountainofEmotions said:


> The truely one thing that has helped me is exercise. During the first week after, I ran, and ran and ran. Probably in a symbolic effort to run away. However, I realized I was losing weight, 16 lbs. so far. Not only am I continuing to lose weight, look better, feel better physically, if help me sleep and deal with the stress.
> So I am going to look very desirable, just in case.


Yup, exercise has been a great motivated after her affair. I can't seem to run enough or lift enough weights. I'm eating healthy again and feeling amazing. I use to very athletic when we were dating 19 years ago but between life, kids, and work I lost that. Feels great to be back in the saddle again and motivated due to her screw up.


----------

