# Is My Daughter Safe?



## I Don't Know

Long story short. D 10, S 6. Ex wife dating and spending weekends with new guy with adultish sons living at home. Daughter texts me from his house saying save me dad. I say, save you from what? She says, I don't want to be here. Me, why? Her, I don't know I just don't like it.

At this point I figure she's just doing her new person I hate it here my life is horrible thing. She did it with me and my wife when we got together.

Fast forward a month. D10 I talking to stepdaughters and says she is uncomfortable at his house. Says that new guys son comes into the room where her and her brother sleep in the mornings and she pretends to sleep so he won't mess with her. He is mentally challenged, so it could be innocent and he doesn't realize that isn't appropriate behavior. XW says D just doesn't like going over there and that D doesn't want XW to be with anyone.

My question is how do I figure out what's going on? How do I get D to tell me what's happening without leading her one way or another? What do I do or can I do without more information?


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## FeministInPink

I think you are right to be concerned. I don't want to go into detail in a public forum, but I will send you a PM.


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## Hope1964

What does your ex wife have to say about it?


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## I Don't Know

That D doesn't want her to date anyone. He has the mind of a child. He's never touched either of our kids in any way in her presence. That he stays in his room most of the time they are there.


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## Hope1964

So I take it you don't think your ex has the child's best interest in mind here?


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## SecondTime'Round

Yes, you have reason to be concerned, very concerned .


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## FeministInPink

I Don't Know said:


> That D doesn't want her to date anyone. He has the mind of a child. He's never touched either of our kids in any way in her presence. That he stays in his room most of the time they are there.


Someone with the mind of a child still has the hormones and the body of a man, and frequently doesn't understand those feelings.

Children who play doctor know well enough not to do it in the presence of adults...

She's being dismissive, and I find that to be of additional concern.


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## I Don't Know

Hope1964 said:


> So I take it you don't think your ex has the child's best interest in mind here?


I can't say that she doesn't. I'm not sure she really thinks or want's to believe it could happen.



FeministInPink said:


> Someone with the mind of a child still has the hormones and the body of a man, and frequently doesn't understand those feelings.
> 
> *Children who play doctor know well enough not to do it in the presence of adults...
> *
> She's being dismissive, and I find that to be of additional concern.


Great point.


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## happy as a clam

I Don't Know said:


> Daughter texts me from his house saying save me dad. I say, save you from what? She says, I don't want to be here. Me, why? Her, I don't know I just don't like it.


Is this for real??!!

Why the h*ll are you posting on an anonymous forum instead of GOING OVER AND PICKING YOUR DAUGHTER UP???

She is CRYING OUT for help!! Would you seriously leave her to fend for herself in a pit of vipers?

SMH...


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## Thor

I would get your daughter to a good psychologist. Do it under the guise of family therapy, with you there for the first session. But in private tell the psychologist of your concerns about the boy's behavior. In private the psychologist can gently explore whether something abusive is going on.

Meanwhile, I think it is highly irresponsible to the point of criminal negligence for your ex-W to ignore the situation. WHen abuse does happen, many times the long term damage to the child is greatly magnified by the dismissive attitudes of adults they approach for help. THe boy may not have done anything yet other than come into the room. But he may well have done something ranging from frightening to actual abuse.

I think you should talk to your wife about the situation with some strong boundaries. She may view you as trying to impede her personal life, but that's tough titties. You might consult with your atty on what leverage you have, and what your legal impediments are.

Imo your goal is to ensure 100% that your kids are not exposed to this kid without parental presence. Maybe it means they get some kind of lock on their bedroom door there. Maybe it means they don't overnight there.

Sexual abuse happens quickly and quietly. A 10 yr old doesn't understand sexuality, so your daughter may not be able to explain to you what is happening or what this kids' behavior is. She may be too embarassed. If the kid is doing something like rubbing his crotch with his hand outside of his pants, your daughter may be very confused, embarrassed, and unsure about it. And she can't report that he is touching her or saying anything to her. Anyhow, the point is even minor abuse can be happening which will be harmful but which your daughter can't or won't report to you.

You have no idea what she has or hasn't reported to her mother. If her mother has minimized or worse something your daughter has told her, it will do perhaps more damage than the abuse event itself.

I hope your daughter just finds the kid weird and nothing bad has happened yet. As a parent, as as the husband of a victim of child sex abuse, I would have to do something substantial in your situation.


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## Lostinthought61

i would tell your ex-wife that you are going to call the police if she does not control the situation immediately....she is putting your daughter in harms way.

PS i would buy her mace and have her keep it in under her pillow


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## happy as a clam

Xenote said:


> PS i would buy her mace and have her keep it in under her pillow


:iagree:


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## Cynthia

I agree that you should tell your daughter that she can tell you anything and you want her to explain exactly what is making her uncomfortable. 
Tell you ex that it is unacceptable for a boy/man to come into the room where she is sleeping. It is frightening to your daughter. One of the main duties of a parent is to protect their children from danger. That is not happening. This has to stop now. Your daughter should not be forced to spend another night under these circumstances. Apparently the ex's sex life is more important than her daughter's peace of mind.


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## Acoa

Thor said:


> I would get your daughter to a good psychologist. Do it under the guise of family therapy, with you there for the first session. But in private tell the psychologist of your concerns about the boy's behavior. In private the psychologist can gently explore whether something abusive is going on.
> 
> Meanwhile, I think it is highly irresponsible to the point of criminal negligence for your ex-W to ignore the situation. WHen abuse does happen, many times the long term damage to the child is greatly magnified by the dismissive attitudes of adults they approach for help. THe boy may not have done anything yet other than come into the room. But he may well have done something ranging from frightening to actual abuse.
> 
> I think you should talk to your wife about the situation with some strong boundaries. She may view you as trying to impede her personal life, but that's tough titties. You might consult with your atty on what leverage you have, and what your legal impediments are.
> 
> Imo your goal is to ensure 100% that your kids are not exposed to this kid without parental presence. Maybe it means they get some kind of lock on their bedroom door there. Maybe it means they don't overnight there.
> 
> Sexual abuse happens quickly and quietly. A 10 yr old doesn't understand sexuality, so your daughter may not be able to explain to you what is happening or what this kids' behavior is. She may be too embarassed. If the kid is doing something like rubbing his crotch with his hand outside of his pants, your daughter may be very confused, embarrassed, and unsure about it. And she can't report that he is touching her or saying anything to her. Anyhow, the point is even minor abuse can be happening which will be harmful but which your daughter can't or won't report to you.
> 
> You have no idea what she has or hasn't reported to her mother. If her mother has minimized or worse something your daughter has told her, it will do perhaps more damage than the abuse event itself.
> 
> I hope your daughter just finds the kid weird and nothing bad has happened yet. As a parent, as as the husband of a victim of child sex abuse, I would have to do something substantial in your situation.


Great response, I'll just leave it at what Thor said. If possible, let her stay with you this weekend. Your Ex can stay anywhere she wants, but she can't make your kids stay anywhere they are not comfortable.


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## Omego

Remove your kids from the situation until there's some clarification as to what is going on.

It's better to be safe than sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Spotthedeaddog

What reason does your ex give for not giving your daughter her needed safe privacy?

This is a serious matter and one which falls within child safety issues.


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## Hope1964

I Don't Know said:


> I can't say that she doesn't. I'm not sure she really thinks or want's to believe it could happen.


Freaking out and over reacting aside, I think Thor has a great post. Everything I would like to tell you is in there. Good for you for taking this seriously. I really really hope your ex wife can see there IS a problem here and get on board for the sake of your child.


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## ConanHub

I can't tell you what I would do but worlds would end.

Yes, you have great reason to fear for her safety. 

Could you sew a var into a stuffed toy or purse?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub

Did your ex cheat? Is this her AP?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub

intheory said:


> IDontKnow,
> 
> 
> Thanks for being a concerned dad. Don't let another day go by without taking action to protect your daughter.
> 
> Wow, I don't get your ex-wife at all. I can't express how disgusting that is: putting her relationship with her new boyfriend, above the fears of her daughter around this boy.
> 
> I hope it turns out to be a storm in a teacup; but you can't take a chance. Make sure your daughter is okay.


There is, unfortunately, a very large pool of women who effectively don't give a damn or are blind to what is happening with their children because their crotch is being satisfied.

As terrible as it is true.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub

Ok. It looks like you left her because she wouldn't have sex.

Was the divorce bitter?

How soon did she start dating and how soon did she get with her current bf and how soon did she move in with him, or did he move in with her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frusdil

happy as a clam said:


> Is this for real??!!
> 
> Why the h*ll are you posting on an anonymous forum instead of GOING OVER AND PICKING YOUR DAUGHTER UP???
> 
> She is CRYING OUT for help!! Would you seriously leave her to fend for herself in a pit of vipers?
> 
> SMH...


My SD sent her mother an email and left her a voicemail begging for help from our place one night - because she didn't like that my husband and pulled her up for bad behaviour and sent her to bed for the night. Scared the bejeezus out of her mother - we get a phone call from her at 11pm wanting to know where we are and wtf is going on. The only thing going on was that SD was being a little brat, lol.

OP - I agree with the posters who have said that you must speak to your daughter and ensure that she knows that she can come to you with any problems or worries, no matter what. I would also ensure (and I've said this to my stepdaughter) that she knows that you're also safe if she tells you something she's worries about...in some cases adults threaten a childs family to keep the child from speaking up. I spoke to my stepdaughter about this and assured her that they only say that to scare the child, and that she must always tell us and that nothing will happen to us.

You must also ensure that she understands how important it is to tell the complete truth in these situations...unfortunately kids do sometimes tell porky pies, so you need to find a way to make sure that she knows how important it is to tell the truth, because the consequences of a lie can be devastating for everyone involved - especially the falsely accused.

In the meantime, until you've resolved this with your ex wife, you should offer to have the kids at your place when she stays with her boyfriend.

Sadly one of the most dangerous places for children of divorce is in their mothers home, if she has non related men living/staying there. The risks of being abused are 3 times higher than for children in foster care


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## ConanHub

intheory said:


> Oh dear! So awful to think about. I really hope this isn't the case in this situation.
> 
> But even if mom is having the best sex of her life; ANY indication that your kid is not safe at the boyfriend's house, means mom and daughter should leave in a heartbeat!!


She should but safety often gets overlooked.

OP. How old is the boy that wonders into their room?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeministInPink

ConanHub said:


> She should but safety often gets overlooked.
> 
> OP. How old is the boy that wonders into their room?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He's not a boy. It's the boyfriend's mentally-challenged adult age son.

This why I am concerned. A physically mature male (with adult male hormones) with the mental capacity of a child. With the likely curiosity of a child. And the underdeveloped capacity for understanding right from wrong.

That's why I mentioned in my earlier post about children playing doctor... it was a comparison of sorts.


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## always_hopefull

Op how often are the kids with their mom? And how often are they staying at the boyfriends? Can she not go a couple days without seeing her bf? Maybe you should look into having them the majority of the time. Is your daughter in counseling? If she isn't, I'd suggest getting her in. She's going to need help coping with an environment she doesn't feel safe in.

Protect your daughter first, worry about pissing off your ex later.


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## the guy

Why even take the chance?????

Your kids are no long going over there period.

I'm guessing your looking at another day in court to get this straightened out.

In the mean time teach her how to fight. In addition her mom and her boy friend gave your kids this room to sleep in...which means as long as your kids are in that room it is theirs and they have the right to lock it.

May I suggest you give her a wood wedge to shove under the door ...I'm sure you can figure some way to secure that door. Hell get her a whistle.

In short teach your kid to not take any **** and stop pretending to be a sleep!


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## Spotthedeaddog

FeministInPink said:


> He's not a boy. It's the boyfriend's mentally-challenged adult age son.
> 
> This why I am concerned. A physically mature male (with adult male hormones) with the mental capacity of a child. With the likely curiosity of a child. And the underdeveloped capacity for understanding right from wrong.
> 
> That's why I mentioned in my earlier post about children playing doctor... it was a comparison of sorts.


The age of the boy doesn't really matter - it's the unsafe-ness.

I would consider a good lock to be the most minimal compromise.

You can't blame the druth, because chances are he has no mens rhea to do harm, but that doesn't stop harm happening. REsponsible aduts must take action.


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## Cynthia

the guy said:


> Why even take the chance?????
> 
> Your kids are no long going over there period.
> 
> I'm guessing your looking at another day in court to get this straightened out.
> 
> In the mean time teach her how to fight. In addition her mom and her boy friend gave your kids this room to sleep in...which means as long as your kids are in that room it is theirs and they have the right to lock it.
> 
> May I suggest you give her a wood wedge to shove under the door ...I'm sure you can figure some way to secure that door. Hell get her a whistle.
> 
> In short teach your kid to not take any **** and stop pretending to be a sleep!


This ^^^^^

It could be that the girl is not used to being around mentally challenged people and is uncomfortable. That is normal for a kid to feel that way. I have a close relative who is developmentally disabled. He is a lot different than what my kids would normally be exposed to, so we discussed with them what his challenges are, so they would understand him and know what is and is not okay.

He should also have someone speak to him about what is and is not okay with a little girl. He is scaring her and behaving inappropriately. Depending on his level, he should probably be able to understand that. However, there should still be a lock on the door.

Also, if there is a danger, don't assume it is only for the girl.


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## ConanHub

FeministInPink said:


> He's not a boy. It's the boyfriend's mentally-challenged adult age son.
> 
> This why I am concerned. A physically mature male (with adult male hormones) with the mental capacity of a child. With the likely curiosity of a child. And the underdeveloped capacity for understanding right from wrong.
> 
> That's why I mentioned in my earlier post about children playing doctor... it was a comparison of sorts.


Exactly! This is absolute bvllshyt!!!

Save the text from your daughter. Her safety, and your son's, is seriously in question.

Why the hell is your ex and her bf allowing this? What are they doing while this developmentally disabled man messes with the children???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeministInPink

ConanHub said:


> Why the hell is your ex and her bf allowing this? What are they doing while this developmentally disabled man messes with the children???
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm pretty sure they're busy having morning sex.



Sent from my SM-G900T using Tapatalk


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## ConanHub

FeministInPink said:


> I'm pretty sure they're busy having morning sex.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G900T using Tapatalk


I grew up through stupid shyt like this and have witnessed it happen a lot over the years.

Would not even happen or have a chance of happening if someone would just give a rats ass and pay a little attention.

My anger is off the charts right now so hoping somebody in these children's lives wakes the fvck up and starts protecting them.

Teaching the kids to protect themselves and what is right and wrong is golden.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I Don't Know

happy as a clam said:


> Is this for real??!!
> 
> Why the h*ll are you posting on an anonymous forum instead of GOING OVER AND PICKING YOUR DAUGHTER UP???
> 
> She is CRYING OUT for help!! Would you seriously leave her to fend for herself in a pit of vipers?
> 
> SMH...


Sorry if I wasn't clear. She wasn't at his house as I was posting this.

This conversation she had on Wednesday with SDs was the first time she'd said anything that made us believe something might be happening. Before that I thought she was just letting me know she didn't like being there.


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## I Don't Know

ConanHub said:


> Did your ex cheat? Is this her AP?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No. I don't think she cheated. I never suspected anything, but even if she did this guy wouldn't have been the AP.


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## I Don't Know

ConanHub said:


> Ok. It looks like you left her because she wouldn't have sex.
> 
> Was the divorce bitter?
> 
> How soon did she start dating and how soon did she get with her current bf and how soon did she move in with him, or did he move in with her?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


They don't live together. She goes to his house on weekends. The divorce was bout as smooth as a divorce can be. She met him within the last year. So about years after we divorced.


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## I Don't Know

intheory said:


> I Don't Know,
> 
> What does "adultish" mean? 16, 18 20?
> 
> But anyone of those could easily overpower a 10 year old girl.
> 
> And, as FeministinPink has advised, even if this "boy" is only about 16, he has gone through puberty and has the testosterone levels of a teenage boy; with all that that implies. Minus the mental ability to inhibit his own sexual impulses???


I say adultish because I don't know his age. I would guess he's 18-20.


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## I Don't Know

I talked to D last night. She says she feels out of place there. Like she doesn't belong. She doesn't like the guy her mom is dating. She just doesn't like being there. She also said "I don't understand why mom can't just keep us at home, I mean it's my weekend not his." When she said "so he (the son) won't mess with us", she meant him talking to them. Apparently he has speech problems along with a heavy Hispanic accent. She can't understand him and it makes her feel "weird". She said he gets up in the night and walks around the house. The "room" they are sleeping in is the living room. I told D if anyone ever does or tries to do anything she has to tell me and I will deal with it. 

I asked my XW to stay at her house this weekend and talk to D about the situation. Hopefully she will.

Our living situation: D lives with us and 4 StepDs since the first of the year. Son lives with XW at her parents house.


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## SecondTime'Round

My sister and I spent the majority of our childhood terrified of our older, male, developmentally disabled cousin. While he was never successful in actual molestation, we saw his penis way more than a child ever should, and we were stalked around the house, peeped on through keyholes in the bathroom (grandma's old house), preyed upon. I've only recently learned how that early loss of innocence and lack of *enough* protection from the grownups impacted my self worth and self esteem for the rest of my life.

Be this girl's voice and protector. This is way too important to take even a little chance that it is NOT happening. 

Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk


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## ConanHub

I Don't Know said:


> I talked to D last night. She says she feels out of place there. Like she doesn't belong. She doesn't like the guy her mom is dating. She just doesn't like being there. She also said "I don't understand why mom can't just keep us at home, I mean it's my weekend not his." When she said "so he (the son) won't mess with us", she meant him talking to them. Apparently he has speech problems along with a heavy Hispanic accent. She can't understand him and it makes her feel "weird". She said he gets up in the night and walks around the house. The "room" they are sleeping in is the living room. I told D if anyone ever does or tries to do anything she has to tell me and I will deal with it.
> 
> I asked my XW to stay at her house this weekend and talk to D about the situation. Hopefully she will.
> 
> Our living situation: D lives with us and 4 StepDs since the first of the year. Son lives with XW at her parents house.


OK.

Doesn't sound too bad yet. Your ex has no reason to be taking the kids over to her boyfriend's house on her weekend anyway. She can have sex on her own time.

She is exhibiting selfish and unthinking behavior.

They would be better off with grandma than at a weekend love nest trying to sleep in the living room while a mentally challenged man wanders around the house at night.

That in itself is impacting your children on a psychological and emotional level.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh

SecondTime'Round said:


> My sister and I spent the majority of our childhood terrified of our older, male, developmentally disabled cousin. While he was never successful in actual molestation, we saw his penis way more than a child ever should, and we were stalked around the house, peeped on through keyholes in the bathroom (grandma's old house), preyed upon. I've only recently learned how that early loss of innocence and lack of *enough* protection from the grownups impacted my self worth and self esteem for the rest of my life.
> 
> Be this girl's voice and protector. This is way too important to take even a little chance that it is NOT happening.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk


I also wasn't protected. Latch key kid...

The living room sleeping is leaving her wide open with no protection whatsoever... that has to change.


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## Omego

I Don't Know said:


> I talked to D last night. She says she feels out of place there. Like she doesn't belong. She doesn't like the guy her mom is dating. She just doesn't like being there. She also said "I don't understand why mom can't just keep us at home, I mean it's my weekend not his." When she said "so he (the son) won't mess with us", she meant him talking to them. Apparently he has speech problems along with a heavy Hispanic accent. She can't understand him and it makes her feel "weird". She said he gets up in the night and walks around the house. The "room" they are sleeping in is the living room. I told D if anyone ever does or tries to do anything she has to tell me and I will deal with it.
> 
> I asked my XW to stay at her house this weekend and talk to D about the situation. Hopefully she will.
> 
> Our living situation: D lives with us and 4 StepDs since the first of the year. Son lives with XW at her parents house.


It seems pretty clear that this situation is not appropriate, Your children shouldn't be sleeping on a sofa every weekend. When do you have your son? I your exW does not stay home this weekend, I'd suggest that you don't send her your daughter the following weekend.


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## FeministInPink

ConanHub said:


> OK.
> 
> Doesn't sound too bad yet. Your ex has no reason to be taking the kids over to her boyfriend's house on her weekend anyway. She can have sex on her own time.
> 
> She is exhibiting selfish and unthinking behavior.
> 
> They would be better off with grandma than at a weekend love nest trying to sleep in the living room while a mentally challenged man wanders around the house at night.
> 
> That in itself is impacting your children on a psychological and emotional level.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree--if she's only getting them every other weekend, she should be spending the time with HER KIDS, not with her boyfriend. She can stay over with her boyfriend any night that the kids are with the OP. Pretty simple.

This woman clearly doesn't have her priorities straight.


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## ConanHub

FeministInPink said:


> I agree--if she's only getting them every other weekend, she should be spending the time with HER KIDS, not with her boyfriend. She can stay over with her boyfriend any night that the kids are with the OP. Pretty simple.
> 
> This woman clearly doesn't have her priorities straight.


I guess the little boy lives with his mom at grandma's house but he doesn't need overnights in a situation like this either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeministInPink

ConanHub said:


> I guess the little boy lives with his mom at grandma's house but he doesn't need overnights in a situation like this either.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree.


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## I Don't Know

We have all the kids every other weekend. XW has S and D on the other weekends.


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## Sun Catcher

I Don't Know said:


> We have all the kids every other weekend. XW has S and D on the other weekends.


So today is Friday. Where are your children this weekend?


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## I Don't Know

They will be with their mom this weekend. I asked her to keep them home this weekend so she and D can talk about it. But that just about guarantees she will do the opposite.


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## the guy

I think its time for another court date to re address the way the kids spend their weekends with mom.

The way I see it, it ain't hralthy for the kids to spend the entire weekend in a living room while mom phucks her new BF in the other room.

I'm guess if mom was with them when she is suppose to be the kid would be complainning so much.
I also think your kid feel uncomfortable cuz your ex doesnt spend the time to change that.

Hell I would not like my moms new BF if he spent more time getting in her pants then getting to know me.


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## I Don't Know

intheory said:


> I can see why your ex is "ex", IDon'tKnow.
> 
> If she won't make your kids' safety a priority; you've gotta do it.
> 
> I'm so sorry. I bet if you could, you would just keep your kids with you full time.
> 
> If necessary, go legal with this. Surely to God, the courts would act in your favor if they knew your daughter was frightened in her mom's boyfriend's house!!


We would love to have them all full time. Six kids is crazy but a good crazy. 

When D came to live with us after Christmas break, I tried to get XW to let S come too. She wouldn't go for it. I was surprised she let D come to be honest. 

She always seemed more concerned with people thinking she was a good mom than actually being one. Not that she was mean or mistreated them, but they were kind of accessories for her. And yet the kids were attached to her at the hip. So when we divorced I didn't fight her for custody. I probably should have, but they wanted to live with her. I felt guilty for divorcing and wanted them to be as happy possible.


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## mjgh06

I Don't Know said:


> I talked to D last night. She says she feels out of place there. Like she doesn't belong. She doesn't like the guy her mom is dating. She just doesn't like being there. She also said "I don't understand why mom can't just keep us at home, I mean it's my weekend not his." When she said "so he (the son) won't mess with us", she meant him talking to them. Apparently he has speech problems along with a heavy Hispanic accent. She can't understand him and it makes her feel "weird". She said he gets up in the night and walks around the house. The "room" they are sleeping in is the living room. I told D if anyone ever does or tries to do anything she has to tell me and I will deal with it.
> 
> I asked my XW to stay at her house this weekend and talk to D about the situation. Hopefully she will.
> 
> Our living situation: D lives with us and 4 StepDs since the first of the year. Son lives with XW at her parents house.


Take this for what it is worth... Your daughter is 10 if I read that right. She cannot yet fully explain herself and she may be having serious issues that she fears to say because she doesn't know if she is the problem or doesn't want to cause trouble.

You need to have an adult conversation with your ex and explain in detail the fear with what is going on. Why do you not know how old this boy/man is??? You are dad - you should know this. No matter where the kids are sleeping, it is inappropriate for the boy/man to come into that area when they are sleeping. That needs to be addressed - when lights are out, bedtime, he shouldn't be allowed to go in the LR. 

I was 12 when my parents divorced and I never told my parents what any of the 'friends' tried to do to me because #1 I didn't understand why they were that way #2 I didn't want to get in trouble #3 I didn't want to seem like I was causing trouble. Kids won't speak up the majority of the time when serious issues are happening. That's why there are so many kids molested by relatives etc. Don't let your daughter become one of these. And at the very least end of the worse scenario, the behavior is already making her feel uncomfortable and believe me it is making her change from the innocent, young girl she should be to having to grow up too fast and feeling like she is her only protector.

Talk to your ex and lay some ground rules - be the dad. You said you were divorced a year ago, so this isn't an issue of kid trying to get attention after divorce. If your daughter isn't comfortable there and she is voicing it, always believe there is more that she is NOT telling you why she isn't comfortable. * Don't belittle it just to make yourself feel better that she is safe when she may not be.*


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## arbitrator

*Have your daughter checked out immediately by both a physician and a child psychologist, to see if a later visit to a lawyer is warranted!

Your daughters safety and well being is first and foremost!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround

She's 10 years old and just about to hit puberty. She needs to understand how important her personal private space is and to have it enforced by those who care for her...... so that she feels comfortable and that she is doing the right thing (not the "unfriendly" thing) when enforcing it for herself around other people.


Many girls and women get raped or sexually assaulted because they have never learned proper boundaries with others.


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## Blossom Leigh

NextTimeAround said:


> She's 10 years old and just about to hit puberty. She needs to understand how important her personal private space is and to have it enforced by those who care for her...... so that she feels comfortable and that she is doing the right thing (not the "unfriendly" thing) when enforcing it for herself around other people.
> 
> 
> Many girls and women get raped or sexually assaulted because they have never learned proper boundaries with others.


Boy, I just went off on my son's school when he not only was not praised for having great boundaries after refusing to swallow a piece of metal another child told him to swallow, but got written up for being firm about it. I was freakin amazed at the age age of seven he was so clear and decisive about it. You better believe they got feedback about it.

This same school system's highschool has a serious heroine problem... Hmm I wonder why... Yea, I went off, so you could not be more correct about the boundaries and our schools need serious education on it.


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## NextTimeAround

Blossom Leigh said:


> Boy, I just went off on my son's school when he not only was not praised for having great boundaries after refusing to swallow a piece of metal another child told him to swallow, but got written up for being firm about it. I was freakin amazed at the age age of seven he was so clear and decisive about it. You better believe they got feedback about it.
> 
> This same school system's highschool has a serious heroine problem... Hmm I wonder why... Yea, I went off, so you could not be more correct about the boundaries and our schools need serious education on it.


Can you give greater detail to that situation? It sounds bizarre.


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## Blossom Leigh

NextTimeAround said:


> Can you give greater detail to that situation? It sounds bizarre.


Sure. One of the other kids at school asked my son to swallow a pull tab from a coke can and kept harrassing him about it. Finally my son said a firm no,while at the same time balling his fist in his other hand to drive the point home. I was shocked at just how serious his no was and proud. It gave me hope that going forward he won't cave super easy to peer pressure. (staying away from drugs) I spoke to him about choosing a different expression of no than a balled fist, but praised him for being so decisive and clear. But at school he was only written up for the balled fist and not praised for standing up to peer pressure. I made it clear to his teacher that she seriously missed an important step in her handling of the situation.

And on the highschool, we are in one if the top school systems in our state and its becoming known now that there is a big heroine problem at the highschool with all of the money readily available in these affluent families. This school system in an effort to deal with bullying has gone too far in the other direction of requiring everyone to be friends at the expense of proper boundaries.


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## NextTimeAround

Blossom Leigh said:


> Sure. One of the other kids at school asked my son to swallow a pull tab from a coke can and kept harrassing him about it. Finally my son said a firm no,while at the same time balling his fist in his other hand to drive the point home. I was shocked at just how serious his no was and proud. It gave me hope that going forward he won't cave super easy to peer pressure. (staying away from drugs) I spoke to him about choosing a different expression of no than a balled fist, but praised him for being so decisive and clear. But at school he was only written up for the balled fist and not praised for standing up to peer pressure. I made it clear to his teacher that she seriously missed an important step in her handling of the situation.
> 
> And on the highschool, we are in one if the top school systems in our state and its becoming known now that there is a big heroine problem at the highschool with all of the money readily available in these affluent families. This school system in an effort to deal with bullying has gone too far in the other direction of requiring everyone to be friends at the expense of proper boundaries.


I'm with you on this issue. good that he was not cowed into doing something dangerous to his health.

And bad, that admins are taught to interpret physical gestures as more dangerous than the other elements in a situation.

On the radio, a (former) teacher described how he raised his hand to an object thrown in his direction. Some ringleader students interpreted it as agressive and he said he was fired (he was on probation anyway) as a result.

Just like on the net -- or anywhere else for that matter -- we can't always be sure of what is true, but when you start finding similarities, it does make you think.


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## Blossom Leigh

NextTimeAround said:


> I'm with you on this issue. good that he was not cowed into doing something dangerous to his health.
> 
> And bad, that admins are taught to interpret physical gestures as more dangerous than the other elements in a situation.
> 
> On the radio, a (former) teacher described how he raised his hand to an object thrown in his direction. Some ringleader students interpreted it as agressive and he said he was fired (he was on probation anyway) as a result.
> 
> Just like on the net -- or anywhere else for that matter -- we can't always be sure of what is true, but when you start finding similarities, it does make you think.


Agree. Education on recognizing a legitimate threat and how to handle those situations is seriously lacking. I find that political correctness has compounded the problem.


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## NextTimeAround

Blossom Leigh said:


> Agree. Education on recognizing a legitimate threat and how to handle those situations is seriously lacking. I find that political correctness has compounded the problem.


I'm fining a lot of platitudes are overworked.

The one to apply here is "two wrongs do not make a right."

Even my minister grandfather advised my father to fight back when he was a teenager.

Anyway, back to the OP's daughter. No, she should not be sacrificed on the alter of political correctness. 

Just because the boyfriend's son is mentally limited does not mean that the OP's daughter's own adolescent development has to suffer for it.


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## Blossom Leigh

NextTimeAround said:


> I'm fining a lot of platitudes are overworked.
> 
> The one to apply here is "two wrongs do not make a right."
> 
> Even my minister grandfather advised my father to fight back when he was a teenager.
> 
> Anyway, back to the OP's daughter. No, she should not be sacrificed on the alter of political correctness.
> 
> Just because the boyfriend's son is mentally limited does not mean that the OP's daughter's own adolescent development has to suffer for it.


Totally agree!! I am a big advocate on not preventing natural consequences. You push someone far enough, there is going to be push back and rightfully so. Allowing that is a loving thing to do.


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## RandomDude

Sheez... stories like this makes me annoyed that my daughter still has zero interest in learning how to defend herself against subhuman pieces of trash. Even after years of worry now she's doing gymnastics... pfft, but what if someone attacks her and daddy isn't there? Who's going to protect her? Is gymnastics going to save her? BAH!

Thankfully my ex-wife wouldn't dare put my daughter in that position not to mention she should know that will trigger the worst of me if she did. I was never violent with her or my daughter but she's seen how far I can go with my violence when my family is threatened.

If I was you OP, I would fight for custody, your ex is proving herself an irresponsible mother.


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## turnera

Take your daughter to a child psychologist, just to get a safe basis and to get her someone she can talk to. She will not feel safe telling you if something happens, because her first concern is keeping BOTH parents happy.


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