# I can't keep going like this!



## chelsea (Mar 31, 2013)

My husband and I have been together for 9 years but only officially tied the knot 4 years ago. But nearly a decade and three wonderful munchkins later, I've just reached my breaking point. I know I should have reached this point a long time ago and thought things through before getting married after everything we've been through but I love him and it's not an emotion that I can just ignore.
Basically my husband is a mommy's boy. I've worked 70-80 hour weeks at times just to support our family while he stayed at home with the 1,2, and now 3 kids. I've been between jobs because I'm in a field with a high turnover rate and it's really cutthroat. He worked at Chuck E Cheese for 6 years part time with a payraise everytime minimum wage increased. He dropped out of high school because of a situation with his mom almost dying, but since has had every opportunity to go back and get it or a GED. He's done neither. 
We separated for a year and I moved back home to Nevada while he stayed in Ohio with his parents. They tried to go to court to get custody of the kids (he filed the paperwork but the kids would have been raised by his mom while he played Xbox360) and they just blatantly lied in court. Everything from me locking my infant son in the car on a hot day, to me hallucinating and hearing voices, to me having destroyed their property was in the filing. I got a lawyer just to be safe and the judge laughed at them. Their proof was my husbands parents and siblings saying that these things had happened. 
So I got the kids took them back to Nevada with me, worked fulltime, and took 9 months of Medical Assisting courses graduating with a 4.0. I only got $300/month for the boys and the rest came from me, myself, and I. 
He had all the free time in the world for an entire year and he didn't even take his GED classes. He didn't pay rent living with his parents, he didn't have to worry about diapers, food, daycare et al. All of his extra time and money went to fast food, video games, and a 2000 chevy cavalier. 
We both saw the effect this had on our kids though and ended up deciding to give it another go. I don't know why I'm so stupid! I cried a lot during that year because I really do love this man! I just can't stand this anymore.

So here we are now back in Nevada with 10k from our taxes and he spent most of it on fast food and new video games. I paid the rent up for 6 months though and found a job at a pharmacy vs my normal positions. We were looking great for last year! In August his hours got cut immensely and they ended up just letting him go from Chuck E cheeses so he went to look for another job. I was like "YES! FINALLY!!!!" He go a job selling Cable . And he was soooo convinced that he was going to make that million dollars that the CEO was making because the guy showed him a copy of his taxes and "sold" him on the job. And he made me quit my job because of the hours he was working (and 3 kids in daycare wasn't affordable at the time/ our babysitters would just randomly have some other obligation last minute). So we ended up with no jobs, no money, nothing yet again. I went back to my normal job and got $7000 in 3 months but fml if any of that could be saved back!
The apartment we lived in was too small so he got a house that was $900/month in rent and we paid all the utilities. The money I made was gone within the blink of an eye and my sales began to drop as they always do in winter. We know this, we've known this! I reminded him daily!
And then because I had to quit without advanced notice from my pharmacy position I couldn't find another job for 6 months. He went to a temporary job in October and didn't even consider looking again until January when he stated working at McDonalds. Needless to say we lost the house. But that's not the worst of it. 
We went on TANF to try to get by and he got us sanctioned by non participation so by January we were literally stealing food from walmart to feed the kids and he wouldn't even pawn the video games to try and help. He hasn't tried to find a better job than his 4 days a week at McDonalds and we got $7000 back in taxes this month so I went and did everything that we needed to before he could spend a dime. I got $1000 worth of work done on our car, paid our rent up for the next 2 months, bought new clothes for the kids, and new beds because they were on air matresses. I got a computer and internet because that was the hardest part about finding work last year was internet access. All of that cost nearly $5000 and he spent the rest on food and new 3DS game systems for our 3 and 5 year old!
Now I'm working 60 hours a week, 10 hours a day 6 days a week for $400 base pay/week and commission based on sales (back in my field oh joy!). But my house is destroyed daily (I mean I come home and clean for 4 hours min), my stuff is destroyed, he isn't watching the kids. He's spending money everyday on pizza and fast food because he doesn't want to cook... he keeps blaming money problems on my pack of cigs every other day. And he can't wait for ANYTHING. I have Sundays off so I said we could live with a few boxes of mac and cheese, oatmeal, and a pack of chicken/ a bag of rice for two days and then go shopping together. He spent $200 that day on microvable and pop in the over dishes, soda, and snack cakes "for the kids". Some weeks I only come home with $400 to my name and I can't spend it on junk. I can't keep having our crappy car break down and heat up. I can't keep up on the house and work 60 hours a week. I can't wash my kids clothes so that they're clean for my 5 year old to go to school, and make sure that my husband puts underwear and socks on him, and that they get a bath everynight/brush their teeth, and help my son with his homework, and reading, and potty train my two year old, and clean up after them, while I'm at work stressing about how much money we need this week to get by, while he spends more than half of it on CRAP!

But I can't do these things alone either. My husband has become the glorified babysitter. My friends all have kids and work and struggle with the same issue, daycare costs too much, and the only one I could've relied on two years ago slipped into a horrible meth addiction. I don't have any family that is supportive. Just don't go there, they would just as soon see us on the streets than lend a hand. In the past two years I've lost every support I've had besides my husband. I'm having panic attacks now severely, I'm not sleeping but 2-3 hours a night. I know that I'm just going to snap soon. I can feel the break coming. And it's no use talking to him. He's in the right, I am in the wrong, his parents say so. What should I do? How can I even walk away from this single with 3 kids?


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## missmim (Dec 29, 2012)

I know it sucks but......Your already doing everything on your own. Kick him out, It may be a bit harder at first, but guarenteed, after he is gone, you will have a better handle on your finances. (think what you could have provided your kids with if he hadn't been there to spend the tax money) 

You say you love him, but do you love you? We teach people how to treat us. Why should he change? Because it hurts you? That hasn't stopped him to date and although you would like it to be a reason for him to make good decisions, it isn't.

You need to take the hard line, you and your children deserve better. You can do this better on your own without the extra child to take care of (he is actually worse than a child because he has access to your finances)

Pros to him leaving:
You will save the money he calously spends, you will not have to double and triple check if he even accomplished the very basic tasks of being a father, you will no longer have to double back because he, yet again, made a selfish decision, your finances will be stabler, you may actually get to a place where you are not struggling. 

I could keep going but will just end with: think of what his behavior, and your allowing it teaches your children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chelsea (Mar 31, 2013)

I know. I hate that I'm in this position. I thought I was more intelligent than to allow myself to marry some loser who doesn't respect me or value me. But now I'm stuck. I work 60+ hours a week! I don't have anyone who can watch my kids and daycare is astronomically out of my budget! If I just kick him out, he will take his first $200 and fly back to Ohio to live with his parents and I'll lose my job due to lack of childcare. I've looked into childcare assistance but for one it won't cover that much and for 2 there isn't a daycare in the state that will take kids for more than 8 hours a day. I work 10 sometimes 12 hours a day. If I could have a guaranteed childcare provider/know what my income would be for certain month to month, I would be gone. But I'm not guaranteed a job day to day with what I do. I'm guaranteed $400/week while I'm working there making sales but it's just not the security that we need at the moment. Sure I have extremely good paychecks every once in a while! But that hardly makes up for consistency and monthly bills. That's why I haven't just walked away. I can't do it on my own. Two years ago when we separated and I had our boys by myself I had my friend to help me babysit, but she's just gone and will probably be dead soon from her addiction. So who do I turn to? And how can I just walk away when I face losing my job and everything my kids do have? 
I don't want them to learn vegetation in front of a screen and that women will take care of them etc. I want them, more than anything to be productive members of society, hardworking, and gentlemen. I just wish I had someone to rely on for a bit until I could afford preschool or my kids are all in elementary school. With them being 3, 5, and soon to be 1 it's very difficult.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Start by setting up a bank account that he doesn't have access to, and get your checks put in there? 

You need to stop letting yourself be a victim, and start taking ownership of your future. Easier said than done, I know. But baby steps till you get there. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## missmim (Dec 29, 2012)

I would sell everything that was unneccessary that I could to get some extra padding, then take that money and pay in advance for daycare. If you stay, you will continually be in this dreadful position. 

It might get better in a couple years when your second is in school, but I think the stress of just not being with your husband will do you wonders. You won't have to wait for him to accomplish something, and when he fails, rearrange your schedule to fit it in. Unfortunately, he isn't even treating your kids very well and they would be better served in daycare. 

Now that you have internet, search for local mom groups, or non-profits like a community centers to get resources. There may be support groups for such things. 

Even though it seems impossible and insurmountable, your husband will not change. Right now he knows you need him to be a warm body around the kids. 

If you can find anyway to get him out, in a couple of years your life will be roses comparably.

Question: what's your husbands take on the marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chelsea (Mar 31, 2013)

He says he loves me and would do anything for me etc. but in the same breath he turns around and is just the opposite being very sarcastic and comparable to a teenager who was just told they were wrong. I don't know how else to describe that one. He pitches a fit and then comes back an hour or two later to say sorry. 
I don't know why he's even sticking around really. I know that he loves the kids but he can't take care of them. Maybe he's afraid he will end up with the kids alone or he just feels sorry for me. Maybe he really does have a teenage, hormonal, "love" towards me but he's just not mature enough to realize his flaws. idk.


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