# How to make my husband happy in bed



## jane jane (Jul 2, 2012)

Dear all,
My husband and I have been married for 7 and half years and we have 2 kids. Our sex life isn't great and he always blames it on me. We have sex once a month. He is always asking me explore new things and he always expects me to do all the moves which I don't know how. He hates my boobs bec of breast feeding they are not in their best shape and he doesn't even touch them. Every time we make love he complains about something he didn't like. I just want to know who should lead me or him? and what should I be doing to make things better and make him want to make love to me more? I know he loves me but there is something wrong and he says it is me. plz help me I am going crazy.


----------



## mina (Jun 14, 2012)

Tell him if he makes you come like a fiend, you'll be his sex slave. then show him the Jason Julius site. IMO if he invests, then so will you. Fair is fair!!


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Wow. Where to start?

Well, why are you only having sex once a month? Is that your decision or his? He may be acting like a jerk because he is incredibly frustrated.

Or, he may just be a jerk. Need more info, I guess. But I seriously doubt that whatever ails your sex life is all your fault.


----------



## jane jane (Jul 2, 2012)

it is his decision. He doesn't approach me that much. I even when I kiss him on his neck he moves away and he tell me stop it you are tickeling me and he laughs and goes. I don't know what went wrong. He tells me to watch movies or read articles and try to explore new things and try them with him which I'm not convinced that I am the one who should be doing that. I am planning to have a boob job but will this really help?


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

No, it will not, and do not do that unless it's something you want to do for you! This guy has some kind of problem -- either a physical problem or some kind of mental block. Maybe he's gay and cannot face that (actually, the aversion to your breasts makes me think that's plausible). Whatever, you both need some counseling, both individually and marriage. But please, do not have plastic surgery to please this man. Have it if you want it for you, but not to please this man, because trust me, once you have it, he'll find something else to complain about.


----------



## mina (Jun 14, 2012)

do not alter your body to suit anyone but yourself. 

you will soooooooo regret that.


----------



## jane jane (Jul 2, 2012)

I actually don't like the way they look so I don't mind doing it for my self. Can I tell him what I don't like in bed as well. I just want to know why leads in sex? Is it the man or the woman?


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

"Can I tell him what I don't like in bed as well."

If you are not old enough to tell a man what you like and don't like in bed, you are not old enough to get major plastic surgery.

That sounds harsh, doesn't it? But think about it. You aren't even comfortable expressing yourself freely with your husband. How could you possibly even know if you like the way your breasts look -- all your opinions are coming from him.

Oh, Jane. I hope you will get some counseling. You are in deep.


----------



## happylovingwife (Jun 5, 2012)

Oh ugh.

After nursing & pumping for two babies, my breasts are not in top condition. I am thinking of rectifying the situation (not implants just a few cosmetic touches) after we're done having children and he gets a vasectomy. He tells me that he sees nothing wrong with my body but will support me if I feel extremely strongly about it. I don't know why I feel adamant about returning them to somewhat pre-baby state but I know I do (some men think that means I want to cheat or leave which I can promise that this is not the case AT ALL). The key here is that I am the one who wants it done. 

If your husband finds the changes in your post-baby body to be too hard to get past then it is worth looking into plastic surgery if he's a decent guy otherwise. However, the way your husband has treated you is deplorable. He hasn't even TRIED to be tactful at all. He's acting like you're a damaged sex toy. If he were my husband, I wouldn't be quick to change my body to make him happy unless it was something I wanted changed for my next husband. Yech.


----------



## jane jane (Jul 2, 2012)

well to tell you the truth. We are good together in everything else. we travel together all the time alone and with our kids, we live a good life. we take each other's opinion in everything. We love each other. actually we started counseling last week. will see how things goes


----------



## mina (Jun 14, 2012)

As far as who leads: should be who has the good idea at the time.  that seems silly but I get ideas as to what I want or need and I instigate. Or he gets something in mind and he instigates. Its usually 1/2 and 1/2. Any guy who wants the wife to initiate all the time is either lazy or a secret submissive. try making him wear a dog collar and eating his dinner out of a dog bowl on the floor. that will help you figure out which one is his thing. don't laugh. I've been there. LOL


----------



## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

Hi Jane Jane
If he is blaming you then he is suggesting you should take some lead in this, I think. Perhaps take a lead in the bedroom and see where it goes. Note some ideas and visualise how you could move him into position, then tell him you are directing the movie this time and tell him when to move and where so you can try them out. A bit like the Karma Sutra. 

Re implants:
There was a lot on the news a few months ago because women are having implants taken out due to the silicon spilling into the body and being carcegenic. Basically if it spills into the body it is very difficult to clean it up. Was that just my neck of the woods or has anyone else heard that?


----------



## jane jane (Jul 2, 2012)

@Happylovingwife what do you mean by He hasn't even TRIED to be tactful at all? Do you mean he should start exploring things with me and to lead me? He is very decent and a very loving father. I just don't know what to do to make things better. I will talk to him when he returns from a business trip tom.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Who leads? Well in my experience our relationship is more comfortable when I lead. My story is elsewhere on this site, but suffice to say we had many years of near sexlessness. During those years I was very frustrated because what we had was so minimal and she wasn't doing anything to step it up. And that whole time she didn't understand my frustration because she thought it was my job to lead in the bedroom. And it was, frankly. But I needed permission to get there. Explicit permission. Say this to your husband: I want us to have a great sex life. But I want you to be in charge in the bedroom. No matter what you want, I promise I won't say no.

It took some time to get this all through my head. But now that we're clear on who's on top, things have improved a lot. And she's even started asking for things. Like last night she asked to be tied down. And now that she does things (like swallow) I don't feel like I need those things every time.....I don't feel obsessed about it.


----------



## jane jane (Jul 2, 2012)

when he asks me to watch videos and read more about sex. should I be doing this? I am confused. What should I tell him?


----------



## happylovingwife (Jun 5, 2012)

jane jane said:


> @Happylovingwife what do you mean by He hasn't even TRIED to be tactful at all? Do you mean he should start exploring things with me and to lead me? He is very decent and a very loving father. I just don't know what to do to make things better. I will talk to him when he returns from a business trip tom.


You said he said that he "HATES" your boobs? Did he say those words explicitly? If yes then I stand by my statement that he has not tried to be tactful. If you're reading into it because you also hate your boobs then I take it back. My husband always loved my boobs even though they don't look great (the nipple and areola is a little extended and it disturbs me immensely so I know how you feel). He was always touching them and licking them. Maybe your hubby is grossed out by the breastmilk itself if you're still actively nursing? Is that possible?

Some of your wording made me feel yucky in your original post. You said he "blames" you, he "hates" your boobs, wants you to do unnatural positions (which I'm unclear on what you mean). 

I think both parties should take the lead some of the time. Everyone wants to feel desired. That said, one of my biggest fantasies is to be sexually submissive and I think many women are wired this way (certainly not all). If you happen to enjoy that sort of thing maybe you could express that to him and he'd feel more excited at the prospect of sex and take the lead.


----------



## jane jane (Jul 2, 2012)

He didn't say the word hate but he said he doesn't like the way they look. They look old and are stretch marks. It is like old skin. No I am not breast feeding. He used to like them before. He doesn't ask me to do unnatural positions u miss understood me but for example I don't like the doggy style and he likes and I never told him anything about it. He just tells me that I should improve our sex life and I should be coming up with ideas to make it more interesting. But he never tells me like what. he bought me some books to look into new positions and he expects me to do them in bed. which I don't know how to lead.


----------



## Little Bird (Jan 16, 2012)

jane jane said:


> when he asks me to watch videos and read more about sex. should I be doing this? I am confused. What should I tell him?


Yes, watch videos and read all about it. 

No need to tell him anything, just show him  If you sleep together, you have plenty of chances to make a move on him.

Try this: buy some sexy lingerie with an especially nice bra/bustier. Leave it on during sex if it makes you and your H more comfortable. HOWEVER - I do hope you can find a way to embrace your figure without cosmetic surgery. There are always risks involved, and you should definitely let your husband know that his attitude towards your body (which is what brought his children into the world!!) is ridiculous and hurts your feelings. Think about it, if he started losing his hair when he's older, he sure as well wouldn't like it if you starting moaning about it. So I do think you should tell him his attitude regarding your breasts is hurtful.

They might not be ready for the cover of a playboy mag, but they're the breasts of his wife and the mother of his children, and for that reason alone they should be the best damn breasts on the earth.


Anyway, aside from all the boob-talk. Sex-wise --- read up, ask him about any particular fantasies... Try your best to take a few steps out of your comfort zones and try out some new ideas. Once you try some, there's going to be something you love 

Don't forget to make yourself feel sexy for YOU too! If you can regain some confidence in your body, chances are your husband will follow like a lovesick puppy. Sexual confidence, I think, will get you a positive response


----------



## mina (Jun 14, 2012)

If he wants to switch it up then he should be doing the investing, reading and leading. IMO. Sounds a bit lazy to me. Sorry.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Mina, I would have said the same thing, but honestly I get the impression that she gives off the "no" vibe a lot. I mean, really, she doesn't even like doggie? He probably feels like everything he wants to suggest is going to elicit a groan and eye roll.


----------



## jane jane (Jul 2, 2012)

No, I never mentioned to him that I don't like it. Its okay that I don't like it.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Actually you don't have to mention it. Guys can tell. We can tell by the way you hesitate to roll over. We can tell because moving to that position is never your idea. We can tell by your body language. Believe me, if you've been married for any amount of time, your husband knows your preferences.


----------



## happylovingwife (Jun 5, 2012)

jane jane said:


> No, I never mentioned to him that I don't like it. Its okay that I don't like it.


Why don't you like it? Can you find ways to like it by changing little details?

I love it but my physiology makes it difficult (tipped uterus makes the alignment awkward).


----------



## mina (Jun 14, 2012)

ok yeah if he's gonna lead and do the work to find the new positions and stuff you need to be enthused about it. flip your hair, grimace like he's got the hugest unit on the planet and moan and groan a lot. you should invest a little as well!! if you roll your eyes and make sure he knows you're not into it, well that's about as fun as a dry burger and a cup of water for dinner. Everyone has a job to do. if his job is to find the new positions and ideas and to lead you into it, then your job is act and look like you're diggin' it. maybe you really will. it's funny how acting the part can really get you feelin' it. :-D


----------



## Liza25 (Oct 6, 2012)

*Re: hiii plz help*

hii i m new user in that site... i hve a qs .... i hve a 1 daughter... we r also trying fr more babies... report its ok.. but the prblm is my husband wrk till late night nd whn he wake upp stays home only 3 to 4 hours nd after that he is going fr wrk again..... the prblm its our sex life some time he comes at night v late nd he want to doo sex wth me.. normally i never say no to him but like after 2 mnths if i m nt in a mood nd i said No to him he is getting too agreesive .. knee .nd i .....he was soo angry at me nd he said whnever i want u say no to me... but i swear i never say no to him even i m nt in a mood but yesterday i dnt knoo why i done this...  plz help me fr tht what should i do ..he said to me today call ur mum nd tell her every things in details .. but i cannt tell her ... i lov him alot but ..plz plzz help me nd gv me a gud suggestion nw he is v v v v upset wth me..((( i m so woried nd he said u dont like me this nd that..


----------



## Relic (Sep 20, 2012)

*Liza25 plz help*

Liza25,

First, I am concerned that your husband has made you feel so sad and uncertain because of this minor situation. It does not seem right that he would seem so angry and agressive about this situation. 

I am also concerned that you seem very sad and scared...instead of angry at his bad behaviour.

Life with a baby and a busy work life is stressful and tiring. Both of you are tired at different times. 

It is normal for one's sex life to have its ups and downs during a marriage.

Is he really a good husband and father? Are you sure you want to be making any new babies with him? When your kids are older will he get overly angry at your children?

Okay, if you want to solve your problem now...

Talk to him when it is not a sexual time. For example at breakfast time. Talk about the misunderstanding. Say something like, "I love you and I don't want you to be frustrated about sex. It makes me happy when we make love. I am sorry for the misunderstanding. But you also owe me an apology for overreacting. If I'm too tired or if I don't want to have sex, I have the right to say no. And you should not get angry about it."

If he gives you a loving reaction, then tell him you'll make love to him in two days if he treats you nice and it will be a very special night - like when you were newly married.

I wish you the best.


----------



## Special1122 (Aug 20, 2012)

In my opinion, he is a a hole. What is he a Calvin Klein model? My wife's breast reduced in size as well because of breast feeding and guess what we have great sex and constantly explore new things from role playing to vibrating panties, etc. Maybe start working out, go tanning, do your toes. Take care of yourself and unerstand the balance between being a mom and a lover.


----------



## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

jane jane said:


> Dear all,
> My husband and I have been married for 7 and half years and we have 2 kids. Our sex life isn't great and he always blames it on me. We have sex once a month. He is always asking me explore new things and he always expects me to do all the moves which I don't know how. He hates my boobs bec of breast feeding they are not in their best shape and he doesn't even touch them. Every time we make love he complains about something he didn't like. I just want to know who should lead me or him? and what should I be doing to make things better and make him want to make love to me more? I know he loves me but there is something wrong and he says it is me. plz help me I am going crazy.


He sounds like a tool. He's going to complain, but not offer constructive suggestions on how to "fix" things? He needs to pull his head out of his azz. Stop putting up with it.

Now, on the boob thing. Lady, if you're feeling self conscious about it, feel free to do something about it. The boost to your self esteem could work wonders for you. But, and this is a big BUT, it's got to be FOR YOU!!! Do not ever....EVER have surgery done to please a man. Ever. It is painful. It is hard. It sometimes brings on depression. There will be scars. You may not be satisfied with the end result and will wish you could "go back" to the way you were. Do not do that for a man. If you would like to do it for yourself, then do so.

Time for some brutal honesty here. You may be getting the "he should love you for you", and all that. But, fact is, boobs are a big focal point for us guys. I'll use my W as an example. She's sporting a healthy set of D's. Most guys love them. They're in pretty decent shape after breastfeeding two kids, and being 40 plus. But they sag a bit. And they're big. Really big. And I very much dislike big boobs for one, and saggy boobs for another. Do I wish she had a set of perky b's or c's? Yes. Sorry, but I'm gonna be honest here. And there's a point to this. My W's boobs will never be quite the focal point for me as a set of perky b's would be. I am not visually turned on by her boobs. HOWEVER, she turns me on in so many ways like no other woman ever has. She loves me dearly (as do I her). She craves sex with me...CRAVES it. She's sensual. She's a true lady (until we're under the sheets, and then she's a "s!ut!!!!"). She's a very pretty woman. She really likes sex, and she loves sex with me.

But yes, her boobs do not really turn me on, at all. I see her naked, and I'm not looking at her boobs. I don't play with them much other than to give her satisfaction (because I know she's sensitive there and enjoys boob play a great deal). They just don't do much for me. However, there is no woman with a perky set of b's or c's that could get me to "wander" or likely satisfy or turn me on more. Because she's amazing. And sex with her is amazing (likely more the result of her being an amazing person than a lot of what she does under the sheets). 

Now, if she had a nice perky set of b's or c's, would she be more physically attractive to me? Okay, I'll own it...yes. But it doesn't matter. I'll have no more desire for her if she had them than I do now. 

So, what does she do to turn me on so? She initiates sex. A lot. She's sexy, and sexual. But in a classy way. She's also a s!ut (with me) in the sack. She tries to please me. She gives blowjobs and seems to love to do it. She's open to trying new things. She does not have hang ups about what may feel good to her, or me. She's not afraid to talk about sex with me. We acknowlege that our sex life is absolutely incredible, that we love it, and there is nothing wrong with taking advantage of it at every opportunity. She's never "too tired". She's never "too stressed". She's virtually never not "in the mood". I, on the other hand, am sometimes so. But she knows me, and she knows I need a little "work up" sometimes. I may not be "in the mood" at all, but we could be watching TV, and she'll start touching me around "there". Softly on my inner thighs and around my groin. Then she'll start touching my balls and penis through my clothes. She'll slip her hand in my shorts, and touch me softly and trace around me for a while. Feels amazing. Impossible to not get an erection with that, no matter the life stresses I'm going through at the moment. She'll give me a blowjob for no other reason than it pleases me. And she makes me believe it is her idea and that she just has to do it for herself. No, it's not because I want it...she makes me believe it's because she must have it! And I actually think she feels that way. Does she...really? I don't know, but she makes me feel that way. 

Sometimes us guys too need "foreplay". Many women are under the mistaken assumption that all men are as we were when we were 20 years old, and should just be able to get an erection at the mere thought or suggestion of putting our penis in a vagina, climb on, and perform at a moments notice. It just isn't so as we get older...sadly enough. We, also, need (sometimes) to be "warmed up". I can tell you there are times when sex is the furthest thing from my mind...to the point that I almost have an aversion to the thought of it...and she'll start touching me, rubbing me, taking her time and playing with me, and before long, I can't wait to be inside of her.

Do you realize what that is like for a man? Well, I can tell you...it is INCREDIBLE!!! And as a result, I will never turn her down. She attracts me like no other ever has. Even if I don't like her boobs....

The brutal fact is he may not like your boobs. However, that has little to do with his attraction for you, or desire to sleep with you beyond a fleeting "oh my gawd, nice rack" moment. No matter how nice your boobs, that will not correct a lack of desire to sleep with a particular woman.

If they bother YOU, do something about it and feel spectacular about your self image and newfound confidence. My thought, however, is you will make much bigger confidence gains by being "the best lover he's ever had" than you will simply because you've got a "nice rack". I've kicked many a woman with a wonderful perky set of b's to the curb in my life. Because they were b!tches. Because they made me feel like they didn't appreciate me or want me. Beautiful women with my idea of a perfect body. And that was never enough, in an of itself, to maintain my interest. My W with her set of d's does so, and I cannot ever see letting her go or desiring a woman more.

Brutal, completely politically incorrect, but honest. I hope that helps.


----------



## TheMonogamista (Oct 5, 2012)

jane jane said:


> Can I tell him what I don't like in bed as well.


I think it's really helpful to keep the language positive. Yes! Say what you want and what you like, and show him how you like to be touched and spoken to. Even if you don't like what he's doing, you can word it in a way that is positive (what you want, instead of what you don't want). *And he should be doing the same!* Sex can be an extremely vulnerable time, and complaints or negative statements can really cut deep and cause harm and mistrust.
Mostly, this advice is for him. He needs to keep things positive. Instead of complaining, he should say what he wants, what he thinks would be sexy, what he wants to try. He shouldn't just leave it up to you to figure it out on your own. 
The best of luck!


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Guys the OP hasnt posted in this thread in months.....


----------

