# Wife had Emotional Affair



## InTheMirror (Nov 1, 2013)

I've been married to my wife for 5 years and we've been together for 8 total. We've always been really close and we were the couple that everybody wanted to emulate. Recently we've had some very stressful things happen in our lives. We've been trying for kids for awhile and my wife finally was pregnant a couple of months ago. However she had a miscarriage not too long after we found out. It sucked but we worked through it. A little over a month ago we finally purchased a home after an extensively long search. What was supposed to be a happy time has been extremely stressful and I've been devoting a lot of my time to fixing up the new house.

Recently I've noticed a change in my wife's behaviors. She bought a new phone and has been glued to it. Suddenly because of various apps and unlimited texting she has been connecting to more people. I have respected that, I didn't want to be the controlling husband and I let her have her independence. She's starting to make more friends at work (never had a lot of friends) and I've been out and have met them. Thing is they are all in their early 20s and we are in our 30s. As a new homeowner I would rather work on the house then go out and party/drink/etc. I've gone with them a couple of times to try to keep a healthy balance but I've told her to hang out with them and relax as I could tell she has been very stressed.

The problem is last week she started going out and hanging out with various friends almost every single weeknight. Sometimes she would stay out until after 11pm. Not that big of a deal, but whenever we have hung out throughout our marriage she has always been the person that can't stay up late and needs to be in bed by 9 or 10. Then I noticed she has become withdrawn around me. In fact she has come across as resentful at times. I've tried to talk about things but didn't have much luck until Tuesday.

On Tuesday we go out with her friends and eventually are by ourselves when she tells me she has been questioning whether or not we are meant for each other. It's not out of the blue we've always fought over me “not being fun enough”. During this discussion I question her about how she has been acting lately and after quite a bit of time I get her to confess to texting another guy. She tells me it's just playful flirting but nothing more. She just likes the attention from another guy. I tell her I can understand how she feels but I want to be the guy giving her the attention she needs. I also ask her if it's gone any farther than texting and she says “No”.

After work yesterday we talk some more and she apologizes for hurting me. She said she has deleted his number from her phone. I ask to see the text messages but she has already deleted them. After some more questions I catch her in some more lies. Originally she said he had a girlfriend, then she said he was gay - Shocker he's single. She then gets very defensive and eventually admits to me that a couple times last week she went over to his place. She said that she just wanted to escape the stress of life and feel like a kid and all they did was play board games for hours. She thought it would be easier to just tell me she was hanging out with some of her girlfriends than explain to me that she just wanted to hang out with a friend who happened to be a guy. I did a fairly decent job of not expressing my anger towards her even though I was fuming inside. I told her that is an EA when you start hanging out with somebody like that especially if they make you feel a certain way. After pressing her for more info she denies any PA took place. I could tell she felt awful but she didn't think it was a big deal. 

After she falls asleep I grab her phone from underneath her pillow and go through it. I even take a backup and go through everything but I can't find a thing. Also she uses straight talk so I can't logon to their site and see her call logs or messages. After I went through her phone I felt guilty. I wrote her a lengthy email stating my feelings and what she did was not ok. I also confessed that I went through her phone and apologized for that.

So tonight we go out to dinner and start talking. I tell her that I could deal with her hanging out with guy friends but not when she lies about it. That's the part that has been eating me up inside. She has lost my trust and that is what hurts the most. She's upset at me for going through her phone but yet she understands why I did it. She says that I'm causing drama by reacting this way and that everything was just innocent.

Anyways at dinner I coax more out of her. She admits to having a crush on him. She also states that she wanted to have a PA with him but couldn't bring herself to doing it. So for those keeping track it's the third day in a row she admits that she has been lying to me. She repeatedly tells me that nothing physical ever occurred. I plead with her to tell me the full truth no matter how hard it is to hear, because I don't want any more lies coming out. I just want it all out on the table.

Honestly throughout this entire time my instincts have been correct. Each day I thought there was more to the story. However tonight I actually do believe she is not lying about not having a PA. We end up talking a bit more and say that if our marriage is to continue and get to the point where we both want it to be it's going to take time and work. 

I don't really have anybody to talk to about this. She is my best friend. I would talk to my parents about it but she said she doesn't want to be judged by people. She feels like even if we work things out they are always going to look at her differently. I said “ok – then I'd like to talk with your dad about this. He loves you unconditionally and I have a close relationship with him”. She also shot down that idea saying “why can't we just keep our business private”. My rebuttal was “you were the one who brought a third person into the middle of our relationship not me.”

I still love her and if at all possible I don't want to give up on our marriage. Please help me.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Now I'm going to have to call BS on going over a couple times by herself with just him to play board games....

It could be true but seriously. The trickle truth is still going on.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

She goes to a guy's place, this guy happens to be a crush for your wife, and they played board games everytime.

She must be admiring his financial decisions skills at monopoly, or balancing & detecting center of gravity for each jenga piece.

You don't have the truth yet. I'd suggest you go into stealth mode. Now that she said she has a crush on the man, the affair will be buried even deeper.

Stop going through her phone, for starters. And don't ask her for more truth. Get them another way.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

And don't apologize your wife for going through her phone or emails again. She destroyed your trust, from now on she gets to swallow whatever "snooping" comes her way.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

A wife going out one on one with guy "friends" never ends well for the husband involved. Plus she admits that she wanted to have a PA but could not do it. If she keeps going out without you she will eventually find the strength to have the PA she wants.

Your wife is withdrawing from your marriage. She may be too far gone already. Expose to her parents and yours regardless of what she says. Have her move out of the house if she continues the single party girl lifestyle. Nothing stops potential affairs faster than shining a light on them. If she uses this as a reason to leave you she was already gone anyway.


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## onestepatatime (Oct 23, 2013)

I also find it odd and unlikely that they just played board games. It sounds like a lame excuse made up on the spot!


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

I don't believe she went over a guy's house that she wanted to have a physical affair with, a "couple" of times (does that mean twice?), and did not get physical with him. Especially when you add in that they have been "flirt-texting" each other. And has lied to you about everything all along.

Extremely likely this was a physical affair.

Extremely likely she is not planning on ending it.

Is this guy a co-worker?

How do you know she doesn't talk to him anymore?

You are no fun; he is a great flirty guy who is a lot of fun who she has a crush on and wants to have a physical affair with. She still sleeps with her phone under her pillow. Not that she has anything to hide, because it's over with this guy, right?

Your wife sleeps with her phone under her pillow. She is in her 30s, trying to have a kid, and she is acting like a love-sick 13-year-old.

She doesn't want anyone to know how she acts. Why? Is she ashamed of herself? Or because other people, people with some life experience, like your dad or her dad, will see right through her lies.

If you want your dad or her dad to know what she's up to, just tell them she is sleeping with her phone under her pillow every night. See if they can take a guess why a 30-something woman who is married and trying to have kids would sleep with her phone under her pillow. I bet you they can figure it out, just based on that.

Then tell them that she went to this guy's house a "couple" of times until after 11 pm and just played "board games" for hours and hours.

What is the history of you "not being fun enough"? When did that start?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Has your wife always liked playing board games? What games did they play?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

InTheMirror said:


> I still love her and if at all possible I don't want to give up on our marriage. Please help me.


You have to get the truth before you can save your marriage.

There are no guarantees for anyone. It's not only up to you.

If she wants to work on the marriage, you need two things:

1. No contact with other man;
2. The truth.

There should be no reason for married people to have passwords on their phones the other doesn't know, and there should be no reason for deleting messages so the other can't see them. What type of message (other than guys hitting on her and vice versa) would be so secret that you shouldn't see them?

Trying to be nice doesn't usually work in these situations. She is in selfish mode, she has lied to you, and she has betrayed you; whether or not she physically cheated on you, it was a betrayal of your trust.

Trust is always earned. The first minute you met her, you did not trust her. Over time, when she showed you that her words matched her actions, and she was honest, and you could see it, you built up trust. With her latest lies, and continued lies, over three days, and still I think there's more to come, she has reduced your trust to quite a low level. What does she plan to do to help build it back up again? Does she think sleeping with her phone under her pillow and communicating through a secret message app is helping to restore your trust? Does she think that her reaction to you looking at her messages without telling her first (OMG! - I can't believe you would do that!!! Those are my PRIVATE messages, and they are NONE of your business!!!) is going to help restore your trust?

By the way, what do you think her reaction would be if the situation were reversed? Have you asked her how she would react?


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## Carlchurchill (Jan 23, 2013)

and another cuckold is born...


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

If she went over his place, chances are they had sex.

I'm sorry brother but wrap your head around that before you do anything else. She is and has been lying to you.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

It's practically a certainty they had sex and lots of it. Affair sex is addictive because it's new and exciting. Start from that realization and determine if it matters to you.

If it doesn't matter enough to end the marriage then you have certain things to do.

1 Ensure it's over between them.... They can't ever be together again as coworker, friends etc (NC letter a must)

2 Get the complete and unvarnished truth from your wife.... Polygraph if needed

3 Transparency henceforth.....no password protected devices/accounts....for either of you

4 MC


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

So no more going out without you right? Its amazing what couples think they can do and not end up destroying marriages. I know of only one couple that did not divorce after the wife started gnos in the last twenty years.

Drinking, dancing leads to sex. Its not rocket science.

Tell your wife you heard there is a lot more going on than she has told you. Tell her you are setting up a polygraph test. ..............and do it.

If its a smart phone you may be able to recover deleted texts, what brand is it?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

More like bed games. Tell her you made an appointment with a polygraph examiner and see what she says. Or better yet make an appointment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

My sense is that this was physical and either he was done with her or she decided he just did not live up to her expectations.

The board game story is just lame.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

InTheMirror said:


> *She bought a new phone and has been glued to it. *
> 
> *The problem is last week she started going out and hanging out with various friends almost every single weeknight. Sometimes she would stay out until after 11pm.*
> 
> ...



The above are the lowlights of your first post. Just read them like this. She is having a full blown PA. Your only hope to save your marriage is to EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE !!

File for D ASAP, hand her the papers, and tell her to choose her AP or your marriage. Then start hard 180.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

InTheMirror,

You need to get angry...and let it show. Why are you hiding your anger from her? She has been deceiving, disrespecting and stepping out on you. You need to put your foot down and show that this type of behavior from her will not be tolerated.

Hiding your anger from her just makes you look weak and undesirable to her. Don't cry, beg or plead her for anything ... once again, all it does is make you look pathetic in her eyes.


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## LivingBreathing (Feb 21, 2013)

I am sorry you are going through this. Having an emotional affair is just as devastating and hurts the marriage just as much as a physical affair. Surely you have a high threshold for pain to be able to tolerate your wife's behavior.
I think you both need counseling in regards to your wife's miscarriage. Miscarriages effect women much more profoundly than they do men. Until they can actually see and hold the baby, I think it's difficult for men to really comprehend another life actually living inside their wife's body. Men usually do not feel like they are a father until they hold their child in their arms for the first time. Not so for women. When a woman knows there is new life inside her, she immediately begins to bond with the baby. 
That being said, a miscarriage does not excuse her behavior. This is a time when you should be pulling together and supporting each other and pooling your resources in order to recover from this terrible loss.


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## InTheMirror (Nov 1, 2013)

UPDATE - thanks for all the responses. I spoke with her more this morning before work. I honestly don't think she had a PA with the OM yet. I think I discovered things before it proceeded that far. I'm not 100% positive, but it's just what my gut says and like I said in my previous post by gut instincts have not been wrong in this situation. I will proceed to monitor though.

With all that said, let's just assume for a sec that I do have the whole truth. 

I am angry. I slept on the couch last night. I have not said "I love you" back to her at all for 2 days. I'm turning away when she tries to kiss me. I've started doing research (and will continue today) on how to file for a divorce.

Truth is I still want to be married to her but I don't want to be a doormat either. Thanks to reading other's experiences on this site I've been somewhat composed around her. I wanted to cry beg and be the victim in front of her but I haven't. I think she was in denial about what was starting to happen. She's finally thinking it was the start of an EA.

She has always been very sensitive to what others think about her - I've never quite understood that but it definitely goes back to childhood. With that being said the whole privacy/transparency issue is going to take a bit of time to get worked out. I don't want that to drive a wedge right now. I feel like she has to come to me wanting to make the marriage work before I start pushing on that. Am I correct?

Obviously she is embarrassed about her behavior, why is it so important that I tell her dad (mom is deceased) and my parents? FYI - I'm not saying I won't I just need to understand.

Am I right to think that I essentially have to show her that I am prepared to let her go or end the marriage before there could ever be a chance at reconciliation?


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## InTheMirror (Nov 1, 2013)

and about the me not being fun issue.

Yes I know that I need to improve myself and be a more positive person. As I've been reading different things I've realized I need to do that for myself. I need to become the better person I want to be and it is not my fault for her EA.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

First of all, you have to stop playing the nice guy. She started this mess and a nice guy act will not solve the problem. 

Your wife has lied to you how many times now, so what ever she say to you can not be taken a truth. She liked the attention the OM gave her. We all like attention but that doesn't mean that you have to start a EA or PA with them. 

You have every right to be pissed off and should have never had to say your sorry for going through her phone. 

My advice is to let her know that your taking her to get a polygraph test and if the results don't add up in your favor, that house your working on will have one less person living in it. When you tell her, you make sure that your looking right at her and let her see that your not playing games with her. If she gives you a hard time, tell her that her behavior and dishonesty makes it so and it's either a poly test or she can pack up and go play board games with this other guy. 

As of now, you have to stop playing the nice guy and let her see the darker side of you and let her know that she is going to have to do a lot of work to restore any kind of trust in your marriage and if she's not up to it then tell her that your filing and that will be it.

Also I would drop a dime on her and let friends and family know of her underhanded behavior and if she gets mad, look her dead in the eye and tell her that she brought it on herself and she's the one who caused this problem. Don't let her give you any excuses for her bad decisions. She has to understand what she did was inexcusable and there's a price for it.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

InTheMirror said:


> UPDATE - thanks for all the responses. I spoke with her more this morning before work. I honestly don't think she had a PA with the OM yet. I think I discovered things before it proceeded that far. I'm not 100% positive, but it's just what my gut says and like I said in my previous post by gut instincts have not been wrong in this situation. I will proceed to monitor though.
> 
> With all that said, let's just assume for a sec that I do have the whole truth.
> 
> ...


Absolutely correct. Tell her the lies don't add up, that anyone hearing this story would laugh thinking there was no sex between them. Standard cheaters script. 

Don't be snookered. Consider insisting on a polygraph. My guess is you would get a parking lot the day of the test. The confession would be she gave him head but no more. Insist more then it would be they had intercourse once. Insist more then the river of tears come.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Who is the OM? Is he her workmate? Old bf? 

Who else knew of her affair? - and call it what it is/was - an affair.
These people can't be in her life in any meaningful way from now on.

Yes, you not only have to have her believe that you are willing to give up the marriage if it's not going to be a fully committed marriage AND *YOU* have to believe it too or it will show. 

I asked if it made a difference if she has been having sex with the guy and it's a serious question. You don't need to tell us but you need to know in your heart that it either matters or it doesn't. 

C'mon use a little sense, there are very few guys who would spend hours with a good looking girl who shows an interest without doing _something_. And on multiple days - 

Thing is, she says you're not much fun but her idea of fun is laying board games in a good looking studs home for hours.... surrrre. I'm surprised her IQ didn't drop 20 points saying that out loud to you.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Board Games????? Which one, Truth or Dare? Kiss and Tell? Dungeons & [email protected]#ks? Wake up Man!


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## InTheMirror (Nov 1, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Who is the OM? Is he her workmate? Old bf?


ex-coworker who was still a facebook friend. It started on facebook and progressed from there.



walkonmars said:


> Who else knew of her affair? - and call it what it is/was - an affair.


as of right now, me, her and whatever the OM knows.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

InTheMirror said:


> ex-coworker who was still a facebook friend. It started on facebook and progressed from there.
> as of right now, me, her and whatever the OM knows.


Usually there are toxic friends who make up the 'you go gurl' cheering squad. Be sure there are none of these at her work or part of her close group. It may be true that none of her friends knew - but it's not likely. 

Did she tell you how a "how're things at work goin'?" msg on fb got to be "tell your hub your going out with the girls and come to my place instead" stage? It usually doesn't happen without her either suggesting it herself or fishing for it. 

I don't want to be poking holes in your 'wishes' but since you're here for help, ideas, and thoughts I'm telling you what experience has taught me - as is everyone else on this board.


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## InTheMirror (Nov 1, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Did she tell you how a "how're things at work goin'?" msg on fb got to be "tell your hub your going out with the girls and come to my place instead" stage? It usually doesn't happen without her either suggesting it herself or fishing for it.


Apparently they would keep in touch from time-to-time on facebook. Eventually it turned into periodic texts. Then last week they hung out twice. I honestly don't know more than that. Should I prod for more details?


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## InTheMirror (Nov 1, 2013)

Also I'm going to have lunch with her dad today and expose her. I'm just going to tell him the truth as I know it. We have a good relationship together so I'm not too nervous but it's obviously a uncomfortable position she has put me in.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

It is good that you are being proactive. 
She told you she had a crush on him and she goes over to his place to play board games................Oh please. Your wife has constantly been lying to you and you continue to believe her that it was not physical. What is wrong with this picture?

It seems very odd that she was talking about leaving the marriage after just getting pregnant. You might want to consider the possibility that she has become pregnant from the OM.

You might want to get tested for STD's. I am sorry but it really sounds like your wife knows how to play you very well.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I'm not sure it's wise to expose at this point. Mainly because you don't really know the whole story ... only the dribs and drabs you've had to pull out of her. 

I think there's a lot more to come - hope not - but 'fraid so. Don't be afraid to dig into this. After all, an assault has been made on your marriage and you are either going to investigate it fully and defend your marriage or you're not. 

You strike me as a husband who wants to know and defend. 

Does she still have a fb acct? Is he still on there? Do you have access to it. 

Why don't you both merge your accts - you're married after all.... at least for now.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

InTheMirror said:


> Apparently they would *keep in touch* from time-to-time on facebook. Eventually it turned into periodic texts. Then last week they hung out twice. I honestly don't know more than that. Should I prod for more details?


Yeah, that about says it all.

It's VERY likely that they have already gotten physical. Most people that board ships are there to sail. "Board games" huh. That's a cute name for it.

You should think about what your deal breaker is. I.e., what will you do if you've found out that her and the OM have gotten physical.

Also keep the below in mind if she tells you they kissed.

They hugged = They kissed
They kissed = They gave hand jobs
Hand jobs = Sex
Sex once = Sex 3 times

And so on...


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Get details from her. 

After first few fb msgs how did he get her ph #? Did she offer it/ask for it?

How did he get her ph #?

When was the first date made? Who suggested it? How did she get there? What were the board games? What are the rules? Where does he keep the games? 

If you ask these questions in a calm manner and don't berate her causing her to run away you will soon find out how good a liar she is (if she hasn't stopped that is). 

Ask the questions and more (very detailed questions and plenty of them) then ask again in a few hrs or a day later. If it's the truth she will remember what happened - if they're lies she won't remember what lie she told.

You are trying to regain trust in her is your explanation - not trying to make her feel bad. You might preface by telling her you want to believe her and it's her opportunity to help you do just that.


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## InTheMirror (Nov 1, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> I'm not sure it's wise to expose at this point. Mainly because you don't really know the whole story ... only the dribs and drabs you've had to pull out of her.


Put it this way - my mindset at the moment is that if I don't already know the whole truth and there is more out there. I'm done with the marriage. I plan on exposing to only her dad and see how things go from there. 



walkonmars said:


> Does she still have a fb acct? Is he still on there? Do you have access to it.


I don't have access to her account. I don't even know the name of the OM - I'm assuming it's important for me to find that out, right?


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

InTheMirror said:


> Put it this way - my mindset at the moment is that if I don't already know the whole truth and there is more out there. I'm done with the marriage. I plan on exposing to only her dad and see how things go from there.
> 
> 
> 
> I don't have access to her account. I don't even know the name of the OM - I'm assuming it's important for me to find that out, right?



Lol. Duh. You need to make sure he is unfriended on Facebook as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

InTheMirror said:


> Put it this way - my mindset at the moment is that if I don't already know the whole truth and there is more out there. I'm done with the marriage. I plan on exposing to only her dad and see how things go from there.
> 
> 
> 
> I don't have access to her account. I don't even know the name of the OM - I'm assuming it's important for me to find that out, right?


If you intend to remain married this is a must. 

So if she says they spent the time cuddling, kissing, and making more plans but no PIV sex you're out? 

You do need to have a clear idea of what the dealbreakers are. 
You do need to realize that people can make sh1tty decisions and choices that are forgivable. I'm not advocating forgiveness because you don't know what there is to forgive. Not really. 

You should find out as much as you can about this POS. He may have a long-term gf he was cheating on too. If so, it's going to be another indicator that there was full physical activity between your wife and this POS. 

Ask for his name and address. Ask to see her fb. Ask to see her phone and email accts. 

But ask only if you are trying to save your marriage - it really doesn't matter if you're not. Tell her you are trying to reestablish trust. Trust she has lost because of lies and unfaithfulness. 

You want to believe her but she has to help in that endeavor.


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## InTheMirror (Nov 1, 2013)

Thanks walkonmars, I'll have to really think about the true deal breaker.

I read about so many different approaches to take. A lot say expose right away. What is the harm if I expose this to her father? Keep in mind I'm scheduled to leave in 30 mins to go meet with him.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

InTheMirror said:


> and about the me not being fun issue.
> 
> Yes I know that I need to improve myself and be a more positive person. As I've been reading different things I've realized I need to do that for myself. I need to become the better person I want to be and it is not my fault for her EA.


Don't ever think it's your fault, not being "fun" is not an excuse to cheat.

If (and that's a big IF) she didn't sleep with him she came really close, too close. She should have NEVER been in that situation to begin with and what she did was very disrespectful of you and the marriage. Don't let her minimize it one bit, she was/is technically cheating.

Make sure you have a number to a good lawyer and that she knows you have one foot out the door. She needs a real stern wakeup call.

She can not have any male friends, she shown you that she is a liar and can't be trusted. 

Remember she said this



> On Tuesday we go out with her friends and eventually are by ourselves when she tells me she has been questioning whether or not we are meant for each other.


She wanted to cheat on you. If my W said this to me I'll tell her to pack a bag because I'm not staying with someone that doesn't want to be with me when there's a million other women out there ready to take her place.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You can expose and tell him you aren't sure you believe her and you will be asking more questions to verify the truth. 

When you expose, do it in the form of asking support for your marriage rather than gossiping.


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## InTheMirror (Nov 1, 2013)

I feel like I'm in shock - my whole world has just been shaken. It's really hard to comprehend and I truly appreciate everybody helping out here.

I feel like I should start doing the hard 180 and focusing on myself - at this moment I don't feel like she has completely realized what has happened yet. Perhaps as some of you have suggested she is still in the fog of being with another person. I don't know yet.

There is no hope of fixing the marriage until she essentially comes back begging for it right? or is this just my pride/ego talking?


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## Insanity (Oct 28, 2013)

TDSC60 said:


> A wife going out one on one with guy "friends" never ends well for the husband involved.


:iagree: .....totally.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Don't just give up on your marriage. In the end you might divorce but you don't want to be hasty. Right now, it's far too fresh to make a coherent and lasting decision. 

Doing the 180 isn't a bad idea. But I think you need more answers too.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> They hugged = They kissed
> They kissed = They gave hand jobs
> Hand jobs = Sex
> Sex once = Sex 3 times
> ...


She said she went to the OM's house a "couple" of times. Couple times = Many times.

Can we now add "we played board games = we had sex" to the Cheaters Book of Translations?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Finding out the identity of OM is important. She has told you that she has a crush on this guy and WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM. With her going to his house twice last week for hours at a time, odds are she got physical with him. Plus she has lied and lied about what she was doing.

You need to sit back and decide if this is the type of woman you want as a wife. Plus you are relatively new to marriage and you have a wife who is bored and straying already. SHE WILL DO IT AGAIN DOWN THE ROAD. Maybe 5 yrs, 10 yrs, but she will do it again. She does not respect you. She does not respect your marriage and she is extremely selfish and self centered.

Would you be proud to introduce her to new friends as " This is my wife, she connects with former male co-workers and goes alone to his house multiple times and wants to f*ck him in the worst way, but she says they just played board games for hours and hours. She a great wife right?"

Now is the time to get out - not another 5 or 10 years when your finances are hopelessly entangled and there are small children involved.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> Finding out the identity of OM is important. She has told you that she has a crush on this guy and WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM. With her going to his house twice last week for hours at a time, odds are she got physical with him. Plus she has lied and lied about what she was doing.
> 
> You need to sit back and decide if this is the type of woman you want as a wife. Plus you are relatively new to marriage and you have a wife who is bored and straying already. SHE WILL DO IT AGAIN DOWN THE ROAD. Maybe 5 yrs, 10 yrs, but she will do it again. She does not respect you. She does not respect your marriage and she is extremely selfish and self centered.
> 
> ...


You make a good argument for just dropping her now. And I forgot that they hadn't been married for long. That truly doesn't bode well for a lengthy healthy marriage. 

Still, give it a shot.... just don't make any babies in the next few months... don't get into any more debt either. Don't let her make extravagant purchases as a way of making up.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

InTheMirror said:


> I feel like I'm in shock - my whole world has just been shaken. It's really hard to comprehend and I truly appreciate everybody helping out here.
> 
> I feel like I should start doing the hard 180 and focusing on myself - at this moment I don't feel like she has completely realized what has happened yet. Perhaps as some of you have suggested she is still in the fog of being with another person. I don't know yet.
> 
> There is no hope of fixing the marriage until she essentially comes back begging for it right? or is this just my pride/ego talking?


She definitely has to convince you that she can be a loving faithful wife and, given her recent behavior, that is going to take some time.

I suggest that you separate finances now. Tell her that what she has done has hurt you beyond measure and you are going to have to think long and hard about this marriage. Let her know that the marriage is on probation and now is the time for her to convince you that she wants YOU and no other and can be honest with you - even if that includes her telling you she is not happy and wants out. That she can be the wife that you want and deserve. If she does not think she can do this, then she should leave now.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

InTheMirror said:


> *She has always been very sensitive to what others think about her *- I've never quite understood that but it definitely goes back to childhood. With that being said the whole privacy/transparency issue is going to take a bit of time to get worked out. I don't want that to drive a wedge right now. I feel like she has to come to me wanting to make the marriage work before I start pushing on that. Am I correct?


Interesting.

My wife was once asked by her married boss to go to lunch with him. She shot him down immediately but added _"What on earth would it look like if I was seen having lunch with a man who was not my husband?"_. My wife is much like you; she doesn't let other people's opinions dictate her behaviour. But she did not want to put herself in a position where anyone could speculate on her judgement, her character, her morals or her fidelity.

Now, let's look at your wife who is "very sensitive to what others think about her".

What on earth does it look like when...

Lies to her husband about going out with girlfriends. Goes alone to a man's apartment. A man who she initially said had a girlfriend. And then gay. But is in fact single. A man she has been playfully flirting with. A man she has a 'crush' on. A man who she contemplated having sex with. But apparently didn't. They just played board games. Oh, and she did this twice last week.



> Obviously she is embarrassed about her behavior, why is it so important that I tell her dad (mom is deceased) and my parents? FYI - I'm not saying I won't I just need to understand.


One day in the future you won't have your parents or her father to turn to for their wisdom or guidance. Your wife doesn't want them to know about this because when you pose the question "What on earth does it look like when..." they'll give you the same answer we all have. At _best_ your wife has phenomenally bad judgement and is both deceitful and unfaithful. At worst...

As of now your wife is both untrustworthy and deceitful. Can she *prove* nothing else went on? Calling him and asking him won't get you anywhere because they'll have got their stories straight already. In fairness it's hard for your wife to prove a negative. But the onus should be on her. What would be the response if you sent this text to him from her phone:

Wife: Ha ha. I told my husband we played board games last week. What do you want to play next? 

If he replies "Cluedo" it _might_ go some way to allaying your worst fears. Your wife wants you to be more fun. Would she like to play that game and send that text?



> Am I right to think that I essentially have to show her that I am prepared to let her go or end the marriage before there could ever be a chance at reconciliation?


Yes. Even what she's admitted (up to now) is bad enough to question whether staying in a marriage with someone who seeks the attention of men she's attracted to is a good idea.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> She definitely has to convince you that she can be a loving faithful wife and, given her recent behavior, that is going to take some time.
> 
> I suggest that you separate finances now. Tell her that what she has done has hurt you beyond measure and you are going to have to think long and hard about this marriage. Let her know that the marriage is on probation and now is the time for her to convince you that she wants YOU and no other and can be honest with you - even if that includes her telling you she is not happy and wants out. That she can be the wife that you want and deserve. If she does not think she can do this, then she should leave now.


:iagree: Yes separate finances.
She has some heavy lifting to do now.
If you are thinking of saving this threaten a polygraph she might panic and come clean again that's if this is worth saving.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

InTheMirror said:


> Also I'm going to have lunch with her dad today and expose her. I'm just going to tell him the truth as I know it. We have a good relationship together so I'm not too nervous but* it's obviously a uncomfortable position she has put me in.*


An adult, married woman has no business hanging out at another man's house playing games.

By the way, for the life of me I don't understand why you believe her story about just "playing board games". She's lied to you over and over ... what makes you think she's telling the truth about this part? You do realize if she told you the truth she knows she'd be in big trouble ... so she has every motivation in the world to lie.

INSIST ON A POLYGRAPH TEST. Schedule one at the nearest police station .. and follow through with it no matter what. She might continue to lie all the way until you pull into the parking lot at the testing center. Happens more often than you think.


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## Refuse to be played (Jun 7, 2013)

Yeah it was probably was physical. Always could ask her to take a polygraph to prove it wasn't.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

InTheMirror said:


> Put it this way - my mindset at the moment is that if I don't already know the whole truth and there is more out there. I'm done with the marriage. I plan on exposing to only her dad and see how things go from there.
> 
> 
> 
> I don't have access to her account. I don't even know the name of the OM - I'm assuming it's important for me to find that out, right?


In other words all you know now is what she has told you. Get a var, get two, one for the house and one for her car. Get into a strong convo about the affair then leave. When you come back check the var to see who she called and tallked to.

Every thing she says must be considered a lie. This was going on before she talked about separating .

He may still work with her. Ask who it is. See if you can guess her fb password.

She went out every night for a week but says she only went to his house twice, unlikely.

Has she gone out since you found out? If it were me if she ever said she wanted to go out with out you, I would tell her her clothes would be on the front porch and the locks changed. Been there done that and it worked.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

azteca1986 said:


> Interesting.
> 
> My wife was once asked by her married boss to go to lunch with him. She shot him down immediately but added _"What on earth would it look like if I was seen having lunch with a man who was not my husband?"_. My wife is much like you; she doesn't let other people's opinions dictate her behaviour. But she did not want to put herself in a position where anyone could speculate on her judgement, her character, her morals or her fidelity.
> 
> ...



I'm guessing its too late. She's already clued om what's going on.

Google how to retrieve deleted messages from whatever brand phone she has. You may also google deleted facebook messages.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

InTheMirror said:


> There is no hope of fixing the marriage until she essentially comes back begging for it right? or is this just my pride/ego talking?


She broke it, she fixes it.

Yes, the best thing to do is turn inward and focus on yourself (which is what she has been doing all along). If you try to chase her, she will run, she has to come to you.

Also understand you are in a fog yourself, shock and denial are very common for a BS. We can see your situation more objectively than you because we are not too close to be motivated by emotions. If you follow the advice given you will be in control of the situation before you know it. The best thing to do many times feels like the opposite of what you want.

We are hoping you learn from our mistakes, I didn't for a long time.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> I'm guessing its too late. She's already clued om what's going on.
> 
> Google how to retrieve deleted messages from whatever brand phone she has. You may also google deleted facebook messages.


Possibly/probably too late. She openly admits to "playful flirting". Or, if we call it what is: The first step to seduce someone/being open to being seduced.

I doubt they'd commit what really happened in those hours alone together to incriminating messages. Worth a look, though.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

InTheMirror said:


> Am I right to think that I essentially have to show her that I am prepared to let her go or end the marriage before there could ever be a chance at reconciliation?


YES, YES & YES !

With someone as far gone as you W is, its a must. 

She flat out told you she wanted to have sex with another man !

Thus, the consequences for her must be the ultimate kind, i.e. divorce.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

*Start the 180.*


Several years ago, Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, introduced a concept to the world of infidelity that is designed to help you and your partner move forward in the healing of your relationship. She suggested that any new betrayed partner implement these behaviors immediately. They aren’t designed to make you look good or your partner bad. They are, however, a means of protection for the betrayed. They also empower the betrayed to face their new world with dignity and bravery. A betrayed spouse who uses these steps will appear stronger to the wayward partner, and that is exactly what you want to portray.

This list is titled “The 180″ and it won’t take you long to figure out why. What you are actually doing is a complete 180 degree rotation in your actions and attitude. You no longer are a weeping sack of sorrow. Suddenly, you appear strong, happy, independent, and quite capable of making it on your own.

I remember when I first heard about the concept of the 180. I actually thought it was a really stupid idea. I was so codependent and wrapped up in him that it felt like the completely wrong thing to do. I thought I would be pushing him away, putting on a façade when I was asking for more honesty and openness, and making myself seem cold-hearted. Now I understand that the 180 is not about that. It’s about protecting yourself. It’s about finding yourself. It’s about enjoying who you are without the other person. It’s about not getting sucked into unnecessary drama. These are all healthy steps no matter if you ultimately stay together or go your own ways.

So here, it is without further ado:

The 180

1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

7. Don’t ask for reassurances.

8. Don’t buy or give gifts.

9. Don’t schedule dates together.

10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!

17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!

21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.


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## LivingBreathing (Feb 21, 2013)

Gut instincts are great, and very seldom lie, but they do not have a brain. In this case, your gut instincts (intuition, sixth sense, that little voice in you head, whatever you want to call it) were totally correct. Now you must allow your intellect and rational brain to take over. 
Look at the facts:
You bought a house together, she left you home alone.
While you are fixing the house she's out partying with post adolescent kids,
You're no fun so she goes to a guys house to play board games...
How exciting,
You asked her if something was going on. She lied, lied, lied.
That wasn't your gut instinct saying you could believe her when she said nothing happened. That was your heart talking. Sorry, but where your first gut instinct is usually right, your heart will lie , because the lie is so much more palatable than the truth. Why do you suppose your wife lied to you? Same reason.


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## betamale (Apr 25, 2012)

This is bad. No more nice talking, your wife needs a dose of 180, as Thorburn just said. 

Talking to her won't stop her from having feelings for the other guy.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

InTheMirror said:


> Recently I've noticed a change in my wife's behaviors. She bought a new phone and has been glued to it. Suddenly because of various apps and unlimited texting she has been connecting to more people. She's starting to make more friends at work (never had a lot of friends) and I've been out and have met them. Thing is they are all in their early 20s and we are in our 30s. As a new homeowner I would rather work on the house then go out and party/drink/etc. I've gone with them a couple of times to try to keep a healthy balance.
> 
> The problem is last week she started going out and hanging out with various friends almost every single weeknight. Sometimes she would stay out until after 11pm. Then I noticed she has become withdrawn around me. In fact she has come across as resentful at times.
> 
> ...


Being glued to the phone, sleeping with it under your pillow, taking it into the bathroom with you - these are the signs of a cheater.

If you were to see the texts and messages, you would be shocked at how sexually explicit they were, both from him to her, and her to him, saying exactly what they wanted to do with each other. That's what "flirty" means to a liar/cheater who is hiding where he/she goes and who he/she sees.

When she did go over to his house, it was NOT to play board games, but to have sex. When she went back, it was for more sex.

We have seen your exact story play out here many, many times. If I told you there was a 99% chance they had sex, that would be a low estimate. The true estimate of the chance they had sex would be closer to 100%.

What is very disturbing is that after admittedly lying to you about where she spent her time and who she spent it with, is that she still is angry at you for causing drama.

Did she really use the word "innocent," as in her behavior is completely "innocent." She admits lying to you about it and that they are flirting and she has a huge crush on the guy and she is deleting all texts so you can't see - how could ANYONE think this is innocent?

Quite frankly, she is telling you a story even my 10-year-old wouldn't believe. Her story makes absolutely no sense - NONE - and the fact that she had to change it several times makes even less sense. What does make sense is that her and this guy have at the very least a very hot and heavy sexual texting relationship going on that she would be absolutely horrified if you were able to find out.

There is a good chance that Mr. Single Guy may not be as discrete as your wife. There also is a good chance that your wife confided in her new-found drinking-buddy 20-something co-workers about how she feels about Mr. Single Guy. As someone else posted, among unmarried 20-something singles, there almost definitely will be an affair cheerleader or two or three, encouraging your wife to get away from Mr. No Fun Stodgy Husband and have some fun with Mr. Single Guy. 

A voice-activated recorder in her car for a week probably would do a lot to clear up what is going on - you either will hear her say how nothing happened and she is sorry or you will hear her saying how now you are suspicious and she has to take it underground - either to one of her confidants or to Mr. Single Guy.

Try suggesting to her that you were talking about a friend at work about trying to recover some important texts she accidentally deleted, and that this guy says he has been able to successfully recover them from that type of phone and that type of app before. See if she will let you take the phone, see if she comes clean with anything else. If not, just bring her the phone back and tell her the guy had no luck.

You can also tell her that, you're not sure yet, but you might want to have a conversation with this new great single male friend of hers and meet this great fun guy for yourself, that maybe he can teach you a thing or two about having fun and maybe you can teach him a thing or two about messing with someone else's wife.

You could also try telling her that you're thinking of talking to her party-buddy friends, to see if they know about Mr. Single Guy.

It would be good to have a VAR in place BEFORE you drop these "things you are thinking of doing" on her, if she was going to contact friends and lover boy to give them a heads up, this would be the time where you could find out what really is going on.

As I understand it, you do not even have his name.

I am not a proponent of telling her or your families at this point. First I would put the wood to her and ask her to come clean, then go cold on her and investigate (VAR) for a week, then go from there. Eventually, if she refuses to live as a married woman (i.e., stop lying to her husband about who she sees, immediately shut down single male suitors) and try to do what she can to help you feel safe in your love for her, you can expose to see if that wakes her up. Then again, maybe if her dad gets involved (if he can make heads or tails of the nonsensical story and she doesn't pull the wool over his eyes), he can make her see how bad this looks.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

1. Stop confronting her.
2. Go stealth on her.
3. Put a VAR in her car. 
4. Put a GPS in her car.
5. Cheaters lie and your wife is lying.

I would say with almost 100% certainty that your wife had sex with the OM. Your wife would be the first woman in history who spent time in OM's house playing board games under these circumstances and not have sex.

You have been injured and you are reacting like most of us when we are hit with this crap.

Your wife is not showing any remorse what so ever. She got caught and is following the cheater's handbook.

Don't ever apologize again for snooping on her crap. She is your wife. Everything should be an open book and there should be no secrets. 

I had to have hard proof when I met with my FIL back in 1999 and I had hard proof. He cursed my wife out and smashed the phone. He had never raised his voice to my wife in all her life. This shook my wife up and she came running home.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You have to be willing to end the marriage in order to save it. Especially in your case in my opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

tom67 said:


> You have to be willing to end the marriage in order to save it. Especially in your case in my opinion.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

Playing board games for hours huh?

Yeah...._ head board of the bed_ games


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your W has already been on at least two dates with another man. She has a boyfriend now. She's not playing board games unless they're of the head and footboard variety.

She is lying. Push hard to get the truth. She is lying.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

InTheMirror said:


> Also I'm going to have lunch with her dad today and expose her. I'm just going to tell him the truth as I know it. We have a good relationship together so I'm not too nervous but it's obviously a uncomfortable position she has put me in.


As you mentioned, the EA (hopefully not more) is 100% the fault of your wife and her only.

Hope the lunch is going well. Don't feel bad about exposing the EA to her dad or anyone else.

The point of exposure is to get the affair out of the shadows which needs to be done if you want to start repairing the relationship.

If your wife doesn't get any consequences of her actions by having the EA, it will get much easier for her next time.

You are doing the right thing in getting your and her support network involved in helping you get through this.

Good luck.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

InTheMirror said:


> I feel like I'm in shock - my whole world has just been shaken. It's really hard to comprehend and I truly appreciate everybody helping out here.
> 
> I feel like I should start doing the hard 180 and focusing on myself - at this moment I don't feel like she has completely realized what has happened yet. Perhaps as some of you have suggested she is still in the fog of being with another person. I don't know yet.
> 
> There is no hope of fixing the marriage until she essentially comes back begging for it right? or is this just my pride/ego talking?


? Did you just find out that her affair was a PA, or are you venting about the EA?


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

C'mon....everyone thinks she's lying about playing board games. I don't think she's lying at all. This is the board game she's playing with her new boyfriend:
Sex! The Board Game - Adult Games - adameve.com


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## InTheMirror (Nov 1, 2013)

Quick update - had lunch with her dad. It went well - it was nice to talk to somebody in person about this. In fact he shared some personal info too (essentially she is repeating her mother's history) I don't even think she knows that.

Anyways she texted me today reaching out to talk more. I said I will gladly listen but I just asked her to be 100% honest and left it at that. She asked if I had made up my mind on anything. I told her it was too soon to make any hasty decisions.

As of right now I only know for a fact that it was an EA. Everything else is speculation at this point. Hopefully I will get clearer info tonight. Thanks!


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Remember, you can chose to stay in the relationship for now....but there is no requirement for you to give any forgiveness right now.

That can come later.

Your wife has to realize the boundaries she crossed and how it hurt you before any sort of repairing can be done from her side.


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

InTheMirror said:


> Quick update - had lunch with her dad. It went well - it was nice to talk to somebody in person about this. In fact he shared some personal info too (essentially she is repeating her mother's history) I don't even think she knows that.
> 
> Anyways she texted me today reaching out to talk more. I said I will gladly listen but I just asked her to be 100% honest and left it at that. She asked if I had made up my mind on anything. I told her it was too soon to make any hasty decisions.
> 
> As of right now I only know for a fact that it was an EA. Everything else is speculation at this point. Hopefully I will get clearer info tonight. Thanks!


How do you know for a fact that she had an EA only?

She went the house of a man she has a crush on....
If I had to guess, I would say there's a chance she hasn't had sex with him yet but she has probably been physical in some way. Just my guess tho...


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

InTheMirror said:


> As of right now I only know for a fact that it was an EA. Everything else is speculation at this point. Hopefully I will get clearer info tonight. Thanks!


1. Chances are very remote is was just an EA.
2. She's not going to tell you the full truth. I can't stress that enough. She's going to minimize everything. You'll never know the full extent until you actually obtain proof yourself. Prepare to be shocked.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Don't make any promises. NONE - - - not even to just listen. 

"I'm listening" 
"We'll see"
"I'll think about it"

short answers no promises. 
Listen more than you talk. 

Ask questions when it's appropriate. But the first one should be: "What's his name and what's his address" 

If there's no answer to that then forget the rest. 

If she asks why you want to know just answer "Am I going to get an answer or not?" (short direct responses - don't belabor the point)


Don't be glum or act mad - there's no point in that even if you feel like your head is about to explode.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Cubby said:


> 1. Chances are very remote is was just an EA.
> 2. She's not going to tell you the full truth. I can't stress that enough. She's going to minimize everything. You'll never know the full extent until you actually obtain proof yourself. Prepare to be shocked.


:iagree:
Let her talk

When she is done say "then you won't mind taking a polygraph then"
Her reaction may be all you need.

Have you put a var in her car?


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Just played board games for two whole evenings...with a guy she totally was hiding from you...who she admits she wanted to have sex with...lol....wow...she must think you have the mental capacity of a middle schooler.

Time for you to play hardball with her my friend.

File and expose her A to all of your friends and family.

You need to shake her Fantasy Land up.


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## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

InTheMirror said:


> I've been married to my wife for 5 years and we've been together for 8 total. We've always been really close and we were the couple that everybody wanted to emulate. Recently we've had some very stressful things happen in our lives. We've been trying for kids for awhile and my wife finally was pregnant a couple of months ago. However she had a miscarriage not too long after we found out. It sucked but we worked through it. A little over a month ago we finally purchased a home after an extensively long search. What was supposed to be a happy time has been extremely stressful and I've been devoting a lot of my time to fixing up the new house.
> 
> Recently I've noticed a change in my wife's behaviors. She bought a new phone and has been glued to it. Suddenly because of various apps and unlimited texting she has been connecting to more people. I have respected that, I didn't want to be the controlling husband and I let her have her independence. She's starting to make more friends at work (never had a lot of friends) and I've been out and have met them. Thing is they are all in their early 20s and we are in our 30s. As a new homeowner I would rather work on the house then go out and party/drink/etc. I've gone with them a couple of times to try to keep a healthy balance but I've told her to hang out with them and relax as I could tell she has been very stressed.
> 
> ...


I hope you realize that you're unknowingly sharing your wife with another man. She has turned you into a cuckold.
Go talk to your parents about the situation. If she didn't want to be judged then she shouldn't have slept with another man.


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## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

InTheMirror said:


> UPDATE - thanks for all the responses. I spoke with her more this morning before work. I honestly don't think she had a PA with the OM yet. I think I discovered things before it proceeded that far. I'm not 100% positive, but it's just what my gut says and like I said in my previous post by gut instincts have not been wrong in this situation. I will proceed to monitor though.
> 
> With all that said, let's just assume for a sec that I do have the whole truth.
> 
> ...


Why the hell are you sleeping on the couch instead of her? WTF?


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## InTheMirror (Nov 1, 2013)

Would it be wise to move some items out of our extra bedroom and setup a spare bed we have?

Should I tell her to sleep in that bed? or should I? or should I just move her stuff into that room?


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

As much as possible try to avoid actions that indicate you deserve lesser treatment. Leaving your bed, is maybe not a good choice. If anyone is inconvenienced by your wife's choices it should be her and not you.

When adults are dissatisfied with their relationships with their spouse, the correct course of action is to identify the problem, and attempt to resolve it with the spouse, your wife skipped the reasonable course of action and just sought out new playmates.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You stay put. In you bed in your home. 
Don't leave either one. 

It's not unreasonable for her to sleep in the other room until there is a resolution. You decide then if she's welcome back or if she needs to move in with her boyfriend.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> You stay put. In you bed in your home.
> Don't leave either one.
> 
> It's not unreasonable for her to sleep in the other room until there is a resolution. You decide then if she's welcome back or if she needs to move in with her boyfriend.


She has to be transparent no deleting texts

No going out without you for the time being.

Drop the toxic twenty somethings as friends.

Otherwise file next week and have her served at work you might wake her up who knows.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

Your asking the wrong questions but let me answer a few
1. You should demand to know who om is
2. Let her sleep on the damn sofa
3. Ask her how many times they had sex.
4. Make sure she deletes him on FB
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## InTheMirror (Nov 1, 2013)

Probably overkill if I put a bunch of mirrors in the room, right?


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

Next time she says they played board games tell her that "hide the salami"is an interactive game and not a board game
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

InTheMirror said:


> Probably overkill if I put a bunch of mirrors in the room, right?


Ha- be cool and calm tonight show her strength.

Let us know what happens good luck.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

InTheMirror said:


> Would it be wise to move some items out of our extra bedroom and setup a spare bed we have?
> 
> Should I tell her to sleep in that bed? or should I? or should I just move her stuff into that room?


 Look friend. She admitted that she had a crush on the OM. She admitted to being at his house at least twice..............playing board games. If I was her I would have at least came up with something better than that. All in all, she was there twice. That in itself should tell you that she has stepped out of the marriage so what is the deal breaker? Having her invite you over to the OM's house and watch them playing board games.

You move her stuff into the other room. Don't tell her. Let her find out on her own. Put a mirror in it so she can gaze into it and see whose at fault. If it was me, I would move them out in the street but that's me but if you still want her in the house, tell her the marriage bed is null and void and will be until she either comes clean and tries to salvage the marriage. 

Now you have to figure out your breaking point. Being at the OM's house twice that you know of and the texts. Lord only knows it's a tough decision but you can't let this go on. It's going to eat you alive. Polygraph her and then you'll find out.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

InTheMirror said:


> Probably overkill if I put a bunch of mirrors in the room, right?


Naw, that would encourage selfies. In fact that's a good question to ask her. "How many pictures did you send him?" and how many he sent her. 

Just assume they did. It's very common in these situations


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

InTheMirror,

Please add a little reality to your interpretation. Read the first few pages of my story. I would bet dollars to donuts she is/was having a PA. Please don't be willing to rug sweep this without thinking it through.

I am glad you talked with her father.

Good luck


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Interesting that she is asking you if you have made any decisions.......

I would not move out of the bedroom nor would I move her out.

Watch her actions, her words are just BS to throw you off.

Ask her if she is happy becoming her mother?

She is the one with issues.

A wife in love with her H would be home playing house and fixing up the new house with you.

All she has done is give you BS excuses.

All she has done is make bad decisions.

Sit tight. Observe. Put a VAR in her car.

You will have the truth soon.

As to a polygraph. You don't ask her. You just drive her there.

Tell her where you are going only after you have parked the car.

That is when you will get the truth.

HM


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

This is a PA.

Your situation screams VAR to get you on board a bit more quickly.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Does anyone else feel like this is happening, right now?...


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

in the mirror they have had sex and lots of it and if you dont beleive that do me a tom67 have a great deal for you we both got 1.3 million achers of ocean front property to sell you for dirt cheap, 500 bucks buy you this beachfront property in montana....can we excpect a check soon? the we are off to play board games with hookers


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Was she taking care of herself during the pregnancy? It seems odd she turned into a party girl (barfly) so quickly, found a crush and thought maybe you weren't meant for her. Of course, going out every night, she is not in a sober state of mind.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

InTheMirror said:


> and about the me not being fun issue.
> 
> Yes I know that I need to improve myself and be a more positive person. As I've been reading different things I've realized I need to do that for myself. I need to become the better person I want to be and it is not my fault for her EA.


Good initiative to enhance yourself.

BUT NOT NOW AND NOT FOR HER.

Show her that the old you 'not being fun' is continuous laughter compared with the relation will be if she does not do everythingyou demand in matters of this affair.

Oh, and if she threatens to leave because of that, tell her you will be pleased to help carry her suitcases to the door.

(maybe sounding a bit harsh but your only chance if you would like to have her back)


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Hand her the divorce papers and she if she wakes up out of the affair fog.

Has she been tested for stds? She is having PA. Did they use protection?


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