# new here but married for 21 years



## eddybudda (May 20, 2013)

I am new here, and don't really know how to start...except Hello all..... SOOO
Fed up with my husband being financially irresponsible and self-indulgent....nearly lost everything this time.....cutting it fine but I think at almost 50 he needs to step up to the plate and not leave all the hard stuff to me....I am wondering if I have been banging my head against a wall for 21yrs....would probably walk this time but we have 3 amazing kids....they love him and so do I (well some of the time) and I don't know how to go foreword. 

We are in business together...both commercial artists BUT I take the back seat in recognition and have always helped OH with building his artistic endeavours as it has allowed me to be home with the kids...(haven't really cared much about that until now I've seen I don't have a CV of my own). My Oh has never taken any financial responsibility or any interest in finances...only when he wants to spend (which is always) and I have been left with managing all finances, dealing with all business and raising the kids while he is away half of the year on commissions or finding his "creative MoJO".....FINE! No problem.....except he has really rubbished it this time....moved back to the UK a year ago because he wanted to make it in the UK....Good....I get that....totally behind that. Left me in OZ to pack up business and house, sort kids, sort finances, sell investments to finance move over to join him. Problem is, he sat back for 6 months in the UK and did nothing...didn't chase up agents (who get the work in for him in a new market) didn't work on his portfolio (which as an artist needs to be constantly worked on), just slept in and cooked and took walks, while I worked my butt off sorting everything in OZ for the move. 
I was furious when I arrived here and also frightened because we'd put so much on the line for his dream ...yet again!!! Now 6 months down the line, all our saving are gone because he moved too slowly on gaining an agent and hasn't had a commission for 6mths, me and the children have to now move back to OZ with hardly any money and stay with friends while we work through this crap. OH has only a week ago moved forward and gained an agent and will start working soon according to the agent (we hope)....but we (kids and I) can't stay to wait because we are broke....I am so cross, have built so much and held it together forever but have a very irresponsible OH....I have to go back to OZ and face the debtors, face trying to get the kids back into school there, and face us not being together as a family.
OK I am used to my OH being away a lot, but I am not used to having to rely on friends for a roof over my head.....

very fragmented and convoluted and probably doesn't make sense, but any feedback may be helpful :scratchhead:


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

I think the only feedback anyone here can give you is you have to decide if you can keep putting up with this for the rest of your life or if it might be easier to go your own way and not be linked to him financially. He probably won't change at this point. He has no reason to because you always take care of everything. I do wish you luck. Can't imagine living so far away from my husband.


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## eddybudda (May 20, 2013)

ginger-snap said:


> I think the only feedback anyone here can give you is you have to decide if you can keep putting up with this for the rest of your life or if it might be easier to go your own way and not be linked to him financially. He probably won't change at this point. He has no reason to because you always take care of everything. I do wish you luck. Can't imagine living so far away from my husband.


thank you for your reply, and you are correct in that I need to decide if this is how I want to continue. I have talked over in frank terms with my OH and he is finally very contrite. Whether this will last I have no idea, as we have weathered many storms like this but never as bad, he has been contrite in the past and then quickly lapsed. 
OH is worried that I am crumbling (and I have really lost my strength this time), and now he is on stepping up to the plate and trying to repair...it's all very late though. 
Yes, it's my fault I have let him rely on me and leave all the hard stuff to me.....but he is sooooo persuasive....and I always have fallen for it...part of his charm, but very damaging to me. I have pointed all this out to him, and he has listened...he has become
now very clingy, but also very pro-active with his work, he says he is frightened of losing me and will do everything to make amends. Only problem is we will be on the other side of the world from each other, and the kids and I will be taking a BIG step back in life-style.....that's OK I can do that ... but hell when I married OH I didn't think it was going to be such an uphill struggle all the time. 
My kids are fine and adaptable, and so am I...I put it down to life's journey...but I really need an easier journey from now on. I am thinking of many ways to go forward and I discuss them with OH, whether with or without him.
My marriage has been exhausting, mostly single parenting (for me) and always dealing with the rudimentary and difficulties...along with working on creative ideas with OH to boost his career...etc...etc... too weary to list all....
and he hasn't exactly been the most faithful of partners when the scare of parenting sent him off to escape...but that's old news.


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