# Am I mentally checking out or am I just “trippin”?



## 353258 (12 mo ago)

I’m a 21 yr old female who got married young before but only to benefit the other person(this was at 18) I got an annulment after a few months due to infidelity, I have been going through this cycle of being in toxic relationships but then I met my now husband and things were great I know I’m an asshole and my lack of chaos in my life is what’s preventing me to be happy. Chaos has always been in my life since I was a toddler, but when I met my now husband like I said things were great I would get the attention I wanted and more I was happy but I do think we got married fast we met and dated in June I didn’t get asked to be a girlfriend properly nor did I get proposed to properly we got married in July and have been together since . I know I’m not perfect specially when alcohol is involved but I gave it up for him. I say out of pocket stuff but before it was like my dreams and thoughts meant the world to him but now if something else is distracting it’s like he doesn’t care he might listen but I don’t feel like we connect anymore. We met through the military so we aren’t from the same place. So when we connected it was instant it was like I was dating my best friend but recently I’ve been depressed and I hate saying that but I turned my life upside down to be where he is and i no longer see my family which is killing me because I’m very much a family person. . When I ask him for help he says yes and then “forgets” everything that has to do w me is last


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Don’t get pregnant!!! You are not in a good place; you’re not ready for a long term relationship yet. Whether your present marriage will work is tough to say but not a good thing when both parties have all manner of issues to solve and growing up to do.


----------



## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Wow, just 21 and on your second marriage... you say you grew up in a chaotic environment? If so then chances are you're also a contributor towards this toxicity. Get a divorce and get some therapy, otherwise you'll be destined for a life of bad relationships.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i get it. getting married and settling down....is a BIG lifestyle change. And because your husband is more laid back than you are used to...even doing things together with him are a big slow down in activity.

Like someone said, do not get pregnant....that would be a COMPLETE lifestyle change that you might not be able to do right now. It is really hard to do ANYTHING with a one year old toddler in tow, and you say your family is not near by so you can not offload a kid there. We had a hard time slowing down when the kids came....and had to develop a whole different lifestyle

You can still go out to party! Just that now, you need to drag your new husband around. Into gaming....maybe you two can cosplay together? find some cosplay groups and join, go to a local Comic Con? Maybe join a local gamer group on a site like Meetup.com? In other words....don't just sit around the house gaming....get out and create some new excitement in your life, try some new stuff, explore new places. Cosplay might be a good fit because of your gaming likes, AND the fact that you have to tap into creative juices to attend the cons in costume

Being married is, in a lot of ways, figuring out what you two have in common with your spouse, and finding fun things to do that challenge the both of you and keep things exciting. So try that!


----------



## 353258 (12 mo ago)

Benbutton said:


> Wow, just 21 and on your second marriage... you say you grew up in a chaotic environment? If so then chances are you're also a contributor towards this toxicity. Get a divorce and get some therapy, otherwise you'll be destined for a life of bad relationships.


I’m actively in therapy and been in therapy for years now. I’m only on my second marriage because I married a marine before only difference was I was dating him a yr before and he wanted to get married for the bah bc barracks aren’t a good place to live in. I was coerced into saying yes by him just for him to get bah out of it and me not get anything in return because I wasn’t even in deers. but I was getting cheated on the entire time youre right that I contribute toxicity but according to my therapist my contribution to is is 9/10 because I have bipolar disorder


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Did I read this right. You married him one month after meeting him???


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Get a job. Why the heck don't you work?


----------



## 353258 (12 mo ago)

Talker67 said:


> i get it. getting married and settling down....is a BIG lifestyle change. And because your husband is more laid back than you are used to...even doing things together with him are a big slow down in activity.
> 
> Like someone said, do not get pregnant....that would be a COMPLETE lifestyle change that you might not be able to do right now. It is really hard to do ANYTHING with a one year old toddler in tow, and you say your family is not near by so you can not offload a kid there. We had a hard time slowing down when the kids came....and had to develop a whole different lifestyle
> 
> ...





Diana7 said:


> Did I read this right. You married him one month after meeting him???





Diana7 said:


> Did I read this right. You married him one month after meeting him???


yess lmao when I started the relationship I wanted to let him know I had baggage which included my mental health and he told me his so it’s not like we didn’t know what we were getting ourselves into relationship wise but we were in the military I got out and he stayed in so I guess the getting married after two weeks joke is very true LMAO


----------



## 353258 (12 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> Get a job. Why the heck don't you work?


In comparison to some I go to school. Tf from 8am to 6pm. No job is working around my school schedule and he doesn’t want me to work while I’m in school since I go to esthetician school and still come home to go to online school my for my teaching degree judgmental much huh.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Cramir25 said:


> In comparison to some I go to school. Tf from 8am to 6pm. No job is working around my school schedule and he doesn’t want me to work while I’m in school since I go to esthetician school and still come home to go to online school my for my teaching degree judgmental much huh.


Yes, it was definitely going to be a judgment if you weren't working or doing anything. And a quite reasonable one. 

You act like it was a bad thing to ask. It wasn't.


----------



## 353258 (12 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> Yes, it was definitely going to be a judgment if you weren't working or doing anything. And a quite reasonable one.
> 
> You act like it was a bad thing to ask. It wasn't.


Not everything has to be explained if that’s not the reason I’m mentally exhausted. Some men don’t want their wife to work or some women have the traditional idea of a marriage where the man is the one that works be more open minded instead of being judgmental if that makes sense. It wasn’t necessarily the greatest question since the post wasn’t about me working or not but that’s all you commented on.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Cramir25 said:


> Not everything has to be explained if that’s not the reason I’m mentally exhausted. Some men don’t want their wife to work or some women have the traditional idea of a marriage where the man is the one that works be more open minded instead of being judgmental if that makes sense. It wasn’t necessarily the greatest question since the post wasn’t about me working or not but that’s all you commented on.


I can't believe you are actually arguing with a poster about whether a question was good enough or not.

You came on a public forum and asked if you are _mentally checking out or just "trippin"_ so if you work or not is pretty relevant to your mental state, daily life, and marital dynamic. That you don’t get that is worrisome. I'm out of this thread 😆


----------



## 353258 (12 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> I can't believe you are actually arguing with a poster about whether a question was good enough or not.
> 
> You came on a public forum and asked if you are _mentally checking out or just "trippin"_ so if you work or not is pretty relevant to your mental state, daily life, and marital dynamic. That you don’t get that is worrisome. I'm out of this thread 😆


I get it just not what is the thing hurting my marriage but I’m glad you’re out have a good day/night


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I sure you've heard this a thousand times (because it's true) but you need to work on yourself and get yourself in a safe, stable, self-supporting place and taking care of yourself independently before you even consider trying to make a life with someone else. 

Here's what's happening to you...... if you are unstable and needy and flighty and not squared away in your own life, you are going to draw these unstable, needy, dysfunctional whackadoodles to you like moths to a flame. 

But if you are squared away and stable and independent and self-supporting, then you will be able to attract squared away, stable, functional men that aren't dysfunctional and needy and whacked out themselves. 

My reccomendation is do whatever it takes to fix yourself up into stable, secure, self-supporting, functional adult even if that means divorcing him and walking away with the clothes on your back. Get yourself into a position you don't "need" someone else and you are fully fully functioning as an independent adult. This may take a number of years. 

Also stay away from military guys. Yes they are buff and look good in uniform and have a steady paycheck. But I was in the military myself so it's ok for me to say this, but most of these guys are also very lonely, desperately horny and are so needy that they try to snatch up these needy, lower income, desperate chicks that try to latch on to service guys for the monthly check and housing allowance. Don't be one of those bar girls. 

And for the love of all that's holy in this world DO NOT GET PREGNANT! That will just tie you down and complicate your life ten thousand times more and make things a million times more difficult and chaotic. 

Fix yourself first. When you are squared away and fully functional adult, then you will be able to pick from a pool of squared away, functional adults. 

When you are are unstable and needy and dysfunctional,, you attract unstable, needy and dysfunctional.


----------



## 353258 (12 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> I sure you've heard this a thousand times (because it's true) but you need to work on yourself and get yourself in a safe, stable, self-supporting place and taking care of yourself independently before you even consider trying to make a life with someone else.
> 
> Here's what's happening to you...... if you are unstable and needy and flighty and not squared away in your own life, you are going to draw these unstable, needy, dysfunctional whackadoodles to you like moths to a flame.
> 
> ...


No I completely understand the whole thing about military guys I was in too that’s where we met, I think I’m more squared away than I make myself think I’m just not working right now because I have school and no job is willing to work around my schedule besides I changed professions because I was emt but it wasn’tdoing me any good mentally so opted out of it and changed careers which si where I am now getting my teaching degree and esthetician license because teaching is going to take me a while to get to, I go to therapy which in all helps me I never latched on to him for the money or steady income because as someone who was in I know we don’t get paid a lot but the benefits make up for a little of it just not what I was looking for he’s squared away and a more intellectual man just Irresponsable when it comes to money,we don’t plan to have kids any time soon and I’ve been on birth control since I was 18 to help with the monthly situations. If we were to compare HES the best I’ve had and I love him I’m just exhausted of feeling like he doesn’t like my company anymore In which in part is my fault for going to school for so many hours. But I only take 10 credit hours and go to school from 8 to 4 M-F but we stay till 6 for “study hall” since we have quizzes and exams every other day, and he helps me study for my online school it’s just when I reserve time for him during the weekends which is the only time he’s home it seems to be like he doesn’t like my company which hurts me because It feels like I’m lacking attention but could very well be something else. We don’t argue but when we do I spiral into assumptions. That’s where the”or am I “trippin”?” Part falls into idk if it’s just my thoughts messing me up or if it’s somethingwe can work through together. I don’t want to leave him nor do I plan to just sometimes it’s overwhelming when I want to take space and he follows. The only reason I’m doing so much school is because I want to do better and have money to help with the bills and take stress off of him I’m close to graduating too which is more stressful for me because I have to take a practical and a written exam to pass state boards. Am I making sense ?

also I have my bills but not big ones I pay my phone bill and my car was already paid off before I got with him which is all I worried about when I was in the barracks even now he doesn’t pay for my schooling because I had a great gpa before I went to the mil. I was able to apply for scholarships again where I’m not paying anything for my education. In therapy I work on myself but I think it might be time to take marriage counseling to set the restart button and learn how to work together ? Would that be a good idea ? He’s not the bad guy and neither am I just don’t think we know how to work together

I also can’t expect me to be first all the time since the military asks for a lot and he has a lot on his mind, but it’s hard to go from constant toxic abusive relationships to a healthy one where we’re trying to work together but mymind isn’t used to talking it out which pisses me off and him and we get out of control and say things we regret. I worked on myself on stepping away and coming back and he’s notused to it so when I stay away he follows which then pisses me off and we go through that cycle again, but once he steps away and I do too we think for an hour or two alone and come back and figure it out he’s amazing I just think not having constant ups and downs in a relationship( like love bombing to then getting severely beat up)is still weird to me


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Honey2224 said:


> yess lmao when I started the relationship I wanted to let him know I had baggage which included my mental health and he told me his so it’s not like we didn’t know what we were getting ourselves into relationship wise but we were in the military I got out and he stayed in so I guess the getting married after two weeks joke is very true LMAO


I married after 9 months and I thought that was quick. Mind you we were both in our late 40's so wiser as to what we were looking for I guess. 
With respect 2 weeks was madness. I advise that you leave dating a few years if you do end up divorced.


----------



## 353258 (12 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> I married after 9 months and I thought that was quick. Mind you we were both in our late 40's so wiser as to what we were looking for I guess.
> With respect 2 weeks was madness. I advise that you leave dating a few years if you do end up divorced.


It’s a military joke it wasn’t 2 weeks it was a month and some change but I felt in love and is till do just the dynamic isn’t working we gotta work on it before it’s too late. This is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with but it feels exhausting sometimes. It feels like I’m the 99 and he’s the 1% sometimes and it hurts but I do love him with my whole soul, I don’t love him more than I love myself but I love him almost as much as I love my favorite part of me


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Honey2224 said:


> It’s a military joke it wasn’t 2 weeks it was a month and some change but I felt in love and is till do just the dynamic isn’t working we gotta work on it before it’s too late. This is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with but it feels exhausting sometimes. It feels like I’m the 99 and he’s the 1% sometimes and it hurts but I do love him with my whole soul, I don’t love him more than I love myself but I love him almost as much as I love my favorite part of me


The thing is you cant possible get to know anyone in 3 or 4 weeks.


----------



## 353258 (12 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> The thing is you cant possible get to know anyone in 3 or 4 weeks.


True, like I said in another response I wanted to put all of my baggage out there and everything with my mental state and so did he so we knew pretty much from mental diagnosis from doctors to past relationships and childhood trauma to explaining why we are how we are it’s not a bad relationship I love it it’s healthy just we don’t know how to work together, which makes everything harder we have different ways on dealing with stress and arguments which he and I aren’t used to


----------



## KingMojo (12 mo ago)

It’s crazy how I’m reading all of this and I have to say this I’ve never seen someone so much on the right path but take unnecessary detours. You are young so I get you’re making a lot of mistakes and the important part is that you learn from them. Meet someone who understands you and your goals. You said one of your husbands was like a best friend to you but he didn’t respect the fact that you wanted to work and make your own money. The key to a healthy and long relationship is communicating and understanding you both have to be on the same page. If you want to work and better yourself then do that. DONT EVER let another person stop you from doing that, this is the key if you’ve talk to that person and let them know what are your goals in life and they are on board with it , then you found someone to spend the rest of your life with. That’s important. Im currently married for 2 years been with my wife for 11 years and we had a lot of up’s and downs but we experienced life together and away from each other but we always found ourselves coming back to each other. It was inevitable. You have a lot to learn in your 20’s don’t loose sight of who you are and what you want don’t let anyone demolish your goals. Try being friends first learn all you can about that person and vice versa show them all of your crazy quirks and let them know what you see is what you get if they stay then you are meant to be stop settling for this guys that just talk a good game let their actions speak louder.


----------



## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

I would rather say something that sounds insensitive than to watch you make mistake after mistake. 

Its painfully obvious that you are not emotionally mature enough for marriage. I hope you aren't pregnant or planning to get pregnant anytime soon. I am not saying to never have kids one day. But right now, you are young and should be focusing on school, building a career, and some stability.

These kinds of stories seem to have a pattern. Two people who aren't emotionally mature enough for marriage . They have kids and one or both get bored, and they move on to something else 

Again, it sounds mean. But I hope you are on an IUD or pill. You have your whole life ahead of you and plenty of time for children later and to build a solid marriage without drama and theatrics.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Honey2224 said:


> No I completely understand the whole thing about military guys I was in too that’s where we met, I think I’m more squared away than I make myself think I’m just not working right now because I have school and no job is willing to work around my schedule besides I changed professions because I was emt but it wasn’tdoing me any good mentally so opted out of it and changed careers which si where I am now getting my teaching degree and esthetician license because teaching is going to take me a while to get to, I go to therapy which in all helps me I never latched on to him for the money or steady income because as someone who was in I know we don’t get paid a lot but the benefits make up for a little of it just not what I was looking for he’s squared away and a more intellectual man just Irresponsable when it comes to money,we don’t plan to have kids any time soon and I’ve been on birth control since I was 18 to help with the monthly situations. If we were to compare HES the best I’ve had and I love him I’m just exhausted of feeling like he doesn’t like my company anymore In which in part is my fault for going to school for so many hours. But I only take 10 credit hours and go to school from 8 to 4 M-F but we stay till 6 for “study hall” since we have quizzes and exams every other day, and he helps me study for my online school it’s just when I reserve time for him during the weekends which is the only time he’s home it seems to be like he doesn’t like my company which hurts me because It feels like I’m lacking attention but could very well be something else. We don’t argue but when we do I spiral into assumptions. That’s where the”or am I “trippin”?” Part falls into idk if it’s just my thoughts messing me up or if it’s somethingwe can work through together. I don’t want to leave him nor do I plan to just sometimes it’s overwhelming when I want to take space and he follows. The only reason I’m doing so much school is because I want to do better and have money to help with the bills and take stress off of him I’m close to graduating too which is more stressful for me because I have to take a practical and a written exam to pass state boards. Am I making sense ?
> 
> also I have my bills but not big ones I pay my phone bill and my car was already paid off before I got with him which is all I worried about when I was in the barracks even now he doesn’t pay for my schooling because I had a great gpa before I went to the mil. I was able to apply for scholarships again where I’m not paying anything for my education. In therapy I work on myself but I think it might be time to take marriage counseling to set the restart button and learn how to work together ? Would that be a good idea ? He’s not the bad guy and neither am I just don’t think we know how to work together
> 
> I also can’t expect me to be first all the time since the military asks for a lot and he has a lot on his mind, but it’s hard to go from constant toxic abusive relationships to a healthy one where we’re trying to work together but mymind isn’t used to talking it out which pisses me off and him and we get out of control and say things we regret. I worked on myself on stepping away and coming back and he’s notused to it so when I stay away he follows which then pisses me off and we go through that cycle again, but once he steps away and I do too we think for an hour or two alone and come back and figure it out he’s amazing I just think not having constant ups and downs in a relationship( like love bombing to then getting severely beat up)is still weird to me


It's not that either of you are doing anything all that bad, it's that at 21 you should be developing yourself and getting out to learn about yourself, learn about other people and see how the world really works - you just shouldn't be married AT ALL. 

Getting out and meeting new people - Absolutely. 

Going out on some casual dates to get out and have some fun and get to know a variety of people in a casual, no-obligation manner - Sure. 

Hooking up?? - actual sex would depend on your own moral beliefs and values and would need to be safe, responsible and respectful to yourself and others. 

But marriage and trying to build a long term life and home and family with someone with legal, social and moral obligations at this stage of your life? - ABSOLUTELY NOT. 

In your grandparents era it was fairly common for 21 year old girls to marry, but that was a completely different culture with much different societal rules and expectations and a vastly different economy.

In today's world, the word 'marriage' should not have even been uttered at your age. 

You both are people under construction. You are still being developed and aren't ripe on the vine yet. 

It was ok for you two to date and have a saturday night date to the movies or hitting a few dance clubs after a dinner date, but each of your focus should be on developing yourselves into two independent, self-supporting adults before joining forces into becoming a legally-bound family unit.


----------

