# 4 Girls In 9 Months. Where can I go from here?



## MrsReallyPissed (Feb 19, 2010)

Ok, Folks this may be a long one so please bear with me.

Me and my husband sort of accidently "rushed" our relationship pretty drastically. And by that I mean we only dated for 8 months before he asked me to marry him. In fact, I wasn't even living with him when he asked me. I knew it was really soon but I figured (a)I love him (b) I wanted to marry him (c) Why the hell not?

Now for some back story. (Like I said, super long post and for that I do apologize. I just want to make sure I give the right facts so I'll get great advice in return.)

I met my husband, let's call him Bob, in June of 2006. I worked at a grocery story and he came in and bought chocolate milk from me. He flirted A LOT. But I had a boyfriend at the time and was trying to put back together the broken parts of our relationship. (I cheated on him 7 months earlier.) Little did I know that in some years to come I would turn into a "serial cheater". Bob never let up on the flirting and although I wasn't attracted to him whatsoever, I liked the attention. Sometimes we would send e-mails online but it never went further than that. He knew I had tendencies to be unfaithful to my boyfriend and I think he just really hoped that I would cave to him. He would sometimes come into the store and it bothered me. I told him not to come in and he would anyway. Once he even came in just to stare at me. Bob and I eventually quit talking. For the next few years I would realize that I didn't love the boyfriend that I was with but I was too big of a coward to leave. When I did try to leave he would beg me to stay and as horrible as it sounds it was easier for me to cheat on him behind his back than to dump him.

Flash forward to March of 2008. I was promoting local concerts in our area and word got out to Bob that I was to be at a certain show. He wrote to me and asked if I would be his date. I hadn't seen or talked to him in years and truth be told I didn't have anyone else to hang out with that night as my bf hated concerts so I agreed. We had sex that night and started seeing eachother almost daily after that. I was completely honest with him as I felt that our "relationship" was purely sex so I didn't feel the need to lie to him. About a month in I realized I had feelings for him. Apparently he did too as he broke it off because he felt that with me still having a boyfriend our relationship would never go anywhere. 
I finally got the cods to break up with my boyfriend. I admitted everything and we parted ways. (Let me add here that after months of him hating me, like I deserve he was able to find a wonderful woman that married him and loves him like he deserved.) After breaking up with my boyfriend I tried to not think about Bob. I honestly felt like a horrible person for putting both parties through what I did and I wanted to believe that I was bad for him. When his birthday rolled around I got the courage to just send him a simple "Happy Birthday" text. He replied back with "I'm really sad over you." We started talking and dating again. Within a few months I told him that I had fallen in love with him. That I couldn't promise that I was a changed person but I felt like I was. Although I had had an extremely long relationship in the past, I had never felt the way I did about another person until Bob. He rejected me. Told me we could "date" but he wasn't ready to be serious. I understood and backed off. We would see eachother maybe once every two weeks and each time it would kill me but I just kept telling myself "At least you get to pretend he's yours if only for a few hours". Then in October he sat me down and told me he was ready to be committed to me if I was ready for him. I was so happy. 

Things were great for a while. Then he started to act suspicious. He would get texts and then delete them. Random girls would call his phone and hang up when they heard my voice. I believed him when he said it was nothing. As stupid as it sounds I was terrified of being controlling or pushing him away so I let it go. He asked me to marry him in May of 2009. He had a business trip for two weeks in June. I moved in on July 1st. At the beginning of August he tells me he has an std. And I know I'm going to come off as idiot of the year here but he told me that a girl that he dated before had emailed him and said she had tested positive and that he needed to get checked. And yes, I believed him. The next day we go in for tests and I test positive for something that I tested negative for at the beginning of our "serious" relationship. I confront him about it and he admits to cheating on me once a week after he asked me to commit. I freaked out for a few days. Mind you this whole time I'm planning a wedding. Then decided I loved him enough to forget it. After all I had a boyfriend when we started dating and I wasn't about to judge someone I love for something I've done. 

From that point on everything really was PERFECT. They were good before I found out about the cheating but I had suspicions then. After this happened I thought he had come clean about everything and I had nothing to worry about. He doted on me, which he had never done before. He was more affectionate. He was just a really great fiance. We were married a few months later. 

A couple weeks (literally 3) after the wedding I put an add for his business on Craigslist using his email. He asked me to check his email one night to see if we got any replies and I got nosey. I went through his sent folder. Yes, it is a violation of trust but I'm glad I did it. There were over ten emails all dated in June from when he went on his trip to numerous girls from Craigslist. Again, I confronted him. He admitted to me that he cheated on me twice the two weeks he was away. He said he was worried about me moving in and getting married and he just wanted to "feel single" while he was out of town. I was devastated. The first few weeks of marriage were the happiest of my life and then all of a sudden they're ripped from me. I begged him to tell me if there was more and he said there wasn't. I even told him I loved him enough to stay and work through it but I needed him to get all the facts out so we wouldn't have a repeat in the future. He said there wasn't anything else, that I knew everything. He told me that he knew what he was doing the day he said his vows and that those promises meant something to him and he wouldn't break them. He asked what he could do to fix things and I told him to keep being the great husband he had been for the last few weeks and then all I needed was time.I started checking his email, facebook, myspace almost religiously for the first month or so til eventually that faded.

It's been 4 months since then. I've been depressed to the point where I just wasn't motivated to do anything for a while. Meanwhile Bob has been the amazing husband he set out to be. He's wonderful and caring and sweet. We were starting to build a great marital relationship. Always spending time together. When we did fight it was because I would get into one of my moods where I would remember what he had done and take it out on him. But recently it's been great. I realized that just because he was crappy boyfriend didn't mean he was a crappy husband and I should look towards my future with him and not my past. Last weekend I noticed that he a seperate myspace account that I never thought of checking before. I knew of it but it was just for music so I guess it just never occured to me check it. I got curious and I asked for his password and he gave it to me. There was a message to a girl in July asking her to meet up with him. I freaked out. He said it was just a message and nothing ever happened with her. That she was just a friend of the family and it was just flirting and although wrong nothing else came of it. So I lied and told him I wrote her a message asking her if anything happened. He then admitted to me that he slept with her once in December of 2008. Just a reminder we had been together for 2 months in December 2008. So if he's not lying about anymore girls or dates he cheated on me a grand total of four times within nine months.
I honestly do believe I could forgive the cheating if I could believe that it won't happen again. But how do I believe him when he keeps lying? I literally begged for him to tell me the complete truth last time and he didn't. I was so warped from my relationship before him that I made sure to start off with Bob completely honest. I've never lied or cheated on him. Though I may not deserve it I'm very proud to say that neither has been hard for me. It's been wonderfully easy to be committed to him. I'm not high maintenance. I don't have strict criteria of what I think a husband should be. All I've ever really wanted was loyalty and honesty. Am I asking too much? Do I deserve to have the one person I've ever really and truly loved to hurt me so bad since I've done it to someone else?
I love my husband with all my heart and I don't want to get divorced but I don't want to hold onto paranoia forever. I would love to say that he has been a perfect husband and actually he has been. It's just that he brought a great big lie from our past with him so it makes me think that maybe he hasn't changed at all.

Told you it was a long one, but if you've stuck it out this far, please know that I'm grateful for it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. 
Thanks.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ask him to take a polygraph, so you can get a ground zero for moving forward.

Also, if I were you, I would look into a church to start going to, and look for one that offers marriage courses that you can both take together, to open BOTH your eyes on what commitment really looks like. You both have a pretty loose translation on what it is, i.e. when what YOU want should or shouldn't outweight what integrity tells you to do. I thnk a lot of people in this generation have too much 'I wanna do what I wanna do' in their upbringing, and I'd like to see people have a second's worth of pause before moving forward on self-satisfying actions, you know?


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