# Up in the air



## Mikesneal (Oct 11, 2015)

This whole forum is new to me. So I'll give a little back round. Out of no where 2 months ago my wife told me that ' she loves me but is not in love with me". A week later I found that she was having an emotional affair. We have been together 16 years and married 14 and have two kids 10 & 11. We decided to get marriage counseling last month and I an know living in the unfinished basement.
She has stopped the emotional affair with some one on a marriage forum that she was getting advice from.

She has revealed that she has resent me for me over the past several years and is trying to work through as I with her emotional affair. She doesn't want to start dating because she is afraid that the emotional connection is no longer there and we would have to separate. I feel that I'm not ready to go on a date just for the fact not totally over the emotional affair and I'm just now being comfortable with her in the same room. She wants to start dating within a month and I think it's too soon. The wounds are still fresh so we agreed to date in two months.

The only thing she wants to do with me right now is hold hands. Me I'm a physical person but she wants to see if there is a connection without kissing or anything like that. She says there is still an attraction for me but it's small. I guess I'm trying to figure out how to get the connection back and looking for help on doing that, Any advice would be appreciated.


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

To start with, work on yourself. Read No More Mr. Nice Guy. It will help you look at yourself to see what may need work within yourself. Also, start working out, lifting weights HARD. This has several benefits, it will up your attractiveness, and for me, it seemed to help clear my mind so I could think about relationship issues clearly.

The advice 2 different counselors told me was "You cannot control her thoughts or actions, only your own".

Better people than me will be along shortly!


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Mikesneal said:


> This whole forum is new to me. So I'll give a little back round. Out of no where 2 months ago my wife told me that ' she loves me but is not in love with me". A week later I found that she was having an emotional affair. We have been together 16 years and married 14 and have two kids 10 & 11. We decided to get marriage counseling last month and I an know living in the unfinished basement.
> She has stopped the emotional affair with some one on a marriage forum that she was getting advice from.
> 
> She has revealed that she has resent me for me over the past several years and is trying to work through as I with her emotional affair. She doesn't want to start dating because she is afraid that the emotional connection is no longer there and we would have to separate. I feel that I'm not ready to go on a date just for the fact not totally over the emotional affair and I'm just now being comfortable with her in the same room. She wants to start dating within a month and I think it's too soon. The wounds are still fresh so we agreed to date in two months.
> ...


I've got to say, I'm a little confused by your indicating that you feel that going on dates with her in a month would be "too soon" as you are still trying to get over the EA, but that it bothers you that you can't be more physical with her than holding hands?

I suggest that you REALLY dive whole heartedly into the marriage counseling, start journaling your thoughts and (if you are a spiritual person) consider daily prayer as well. This will help you process your situation. Then make sure you are also spending a lot of time thinking about the various ways you haven't been the best husband to her that you could have been, think about the things she's said and complained about over the years, and what she meant by those words to you. What are the ways you can improve?


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

How do you know that the EA is over? How long have you not been having sex with your wife?


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Shame on her for not communicating that she was feeling resentful. She never gave you a chance to respond before it was too late.

If you want to fix things, date your wife. Maybe you will be hurt by being near her but staring her in the face and her seeing your hurt might be the only thing that makes her realize how terrible this is for you.

Hold her hand. Use your thumb to caress her hand while you just share that touch, time, moment.


----------

