# How does one cope?



## Radch1988 (Jun 3, 2017)

Hi

Not sure where to be posting this but my wife of 9 years comitted adultery with a coworker just before xmas. We have been trying to work through this ever since.
Anyway, last night my wife admitted to staying in a hotel and having sex with another man a couple of days ago while I was at home with our daughter. I don't really want to go into any more detail but suffice to say, our marriage is over. 

I'm now a complete wreck but after she tells me that she doesnt love me anymore I am finally ready to file for divorce. I do not beleive for a second that there is any chance of reconcilation at this point. She also tells me I've done nothing wrong, perfect husband, dad etc. etc... she just has issues. 

We've already discussed logistics of what will happen to the family home, where daughter will live etc. but I'm so nervous about the next steps. I'll be filing for divorce this week and then concentrating on seperating finances etc. It just all seems like a really bad dream. How do men cope with being in this situation? I honestly thought I was much stronger than this but it's knocked me down and I cannot see a way of functioning like a normal human being. I've never lived alone and, although I have many friends and a close family, I just don't know what to do? Missing my daughter will be the hardest part without a doubt as realistically I will only see her at weekends. 

Any advice from people with experience of this would be much appreciated.

Thank you for reading - I've now got to be at work in the morning :surprise:


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sorry you are here...really sorry.

One good point..this a going to be a bookkeeping finale'.

There is no doubt as to the outcome. None.

Figure out the finances, child care and child sharing. Who gets what on separation.

Do this with ice in your veins. Mr. Cool Kat.

Look straight through her. Never in the eyes. Speak very little and only monotone.

She does not have any value to you. Less then a stranger, much less value than a stranger.

Do not let her feel anything from you...hurt, anger, despair. She is dirt. Dirt belongs outside of your world.

Talk only about the child and divorce arrangements, Nothing else. Go no-contact. 

Do the 180 plan.


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## Radch1988 (Jun 3, 2017)

Thankyou for the feedback SunC

I see you refer to the 180 - which I tried the first time around although my heart wasn't truly in it. I suppose it can be used as a tool to help 'get over' my STBXW.

I just don't understand how someone who you loved (and thought they loved you) so deeply can do this. I belive the hotel thing was probably an exit strategy on some level but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

So here I am in my hotel room (only while she's packing). for the next couple of nights not having a clue on where life is going to take me. Reaching out to these message boards are a real source of help and inspiration and I'm just glad I've finally joined one instead of being a lurker.

So many emotions, memories and feelings but it comforts me to know that I am not the first guy/girl to be here and everyone gets through this eventually.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Actually, you are coping with it 1,000 times better than most men in similar situations. Most guys freak out, start drinking and then beg and plead their WW to stay at all costs and the guys end up becoming cuckolds that pay the bills and cater to the wife's whims while the WW continues to get it on with the OM and destroys the husband's humanity piece by piece, day by day. 

You are actually looking at it in very realistic and practical terms and realizing that there is no marriage here and no chance for healthy and functional marital life and you are looking at taking definitive and appropriate actions to protect your assets, your relationship with your daughter and your sanity. 

for that, I take my hat off to you with respect. 

Now that doesn't mean that this is not going to be a painful process and that there won't be sadness and anger and disappointment etc. 

But sleep at night knowing you ARE doing the right thing.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now in regards to your daughter, do not be so sure that you will only see her on weekends. 

In our grandparents time, that may have been the standard, but depending on the divorce laws in your jurisdiction, some of shared, joint custody is the norm assuming that neither party is an addict, child abuser, has abandoned the home and parental duties or some other reason like being an over-the-road truck driver that is on the road 3 weeks out of the month. 

In fact it sounds to me like you may be the "sane parent" and there may be a good chance that you will have very generous parental rights and contact. 

From what you have said, The Force kind of tells me that you are the stable and reliable parent where as she may be the one that is going to want to venture off and not have to deal with the day to day responsibilities of parenthood. 

Get with a good divorce attorney as soon as you humanly can and work closely with your lawyer on these matters. The lawyer has gone to law school and has been practicing family law in your jurisdiction and he/she is the one that knows how child custody and divorce etc work in your location. Do not make any of your own assumptions. Work with your attorney on getting the best possible settlement and custodial arrangement that works best for you and your daughter. 

Your wife has torn up her "Wife Card' and what she gets or does is no longer any concern or business of yours. 

You seek and pursue what is best for YOU without regard to her.


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## Radch1988 (Jun 3, 2017)

Thank you oldshirt

I know in my head I'm doing the right thing for my own sanity as well as being the best thing for my daughter - but hell yeah it is painful - and the longing for my relationship this time last year - is far from over.

I've just never lived on my own before (we met whilst living with our respective parents). I'm not sure how easy it will be to live on my own - I think I've become far too co-dependant having not being single for 14 years.

Just trying to focus on my daughter and the positives that this may bring in the future. I'm a family man at heart (and a damn good one) so I need to take time to remove myself from being co-dependant, grow & mature a little (maybe hit the gym) and see what lies down the road. My plans for the future may have changed, but that doesn't mean there will be any less happiness, it just seems that way for now. All these words are easy to type - at the moment seems a mammoth task to acheive.

I live in the UK so our laws vary to your laws pertaining to childcare arrangements but she is first and foremost a good mother, just a s**t wife and there is some comfort knowing that. 

However, due to UK laws, the plan is divorce due to adultery, we have agreed this, she will not contend (I have proof anyway). She has no issues with me seeing our daughter whenever I like, it's more logistics that are the issue. And we both have agreed to do this with minimal solicitors (attorneys) involvement. I have absolutely no inclination to line other peoples pockets out of my own pain & sacrfices. We are drafting a written agreement which is to be signed by each of us which is just to protect me should things go awry.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

When she says she has issues, believe her... she has more than shown you that.

Morn your loss, but do not give up your power... this will not break you.

Everyday you wake up is a new day to change things so grasp them with passion that all you have been betrayed by is now past you.

Your daughter needs you, do not settle for less time than you deserve.

You soon to be ex, deserves fairness... nothing more, nothing less.

That means civility... nothing more, nothing less.

If you've been loyal to your marriage, standing tall is the most forthcoming way to show she cannot best you.

Surrender nothing that attempts to take that away.


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## Radch1988 (Jun 3, 2017)

Thank you buddhist.

Wise words, I intend to follow them as best I can. Looking forward to when this is all not so raw and I can focus on more positive things in life.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I am truly sorry you are going through this. At the same time, I commend you for having the courage to end it now. My ex's first affair was 7 years into our marriage, and I foolishly thought we could get past it. I wasted the next 13 years. You are doing the right thing. 

I had never lived alone, either. It can be scary, and it can be lonely. But it can also be empowering, and if you allow yourself to feel all of the emotions as you work through it, you can learn to really, really enjoy the peace of it at times. 

I will offer one piece of advice about solicitors (attorneys), however. I understand your perspective. While I was going through my divorce, I met with a former boss who is a lawyer, and he insisted that I hire someone - just to look out for me. (My ex also wanted to draft an arrangement.) While most things ended up similar to his proposals, there were a few items that neither of us would have considered that would have greatly affected the outcome for me. There are some money-hungry people out there, but there are also many who have the best interests of their clients in mind. 

Hang in there - you are going to be just fine.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

You are doing much better than you think you are. You have a plan and you will stick to it. Living alone really isn't a horrible thing. You can do what you want, when you want, and not have to worry over pleasing others. Become self sufficient. Don't rely on others for your happiness. And, most of all, realize two things:

1) This is all on your wife. You did nothing wrong. 

2) After some time you will find someone better for you. There are tons of women looking for a good man. 

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## Radch1988 (Jun 3, 2017)

Thank you toonice and TX for taking the time to respond. Your words offer hope and encouragement in an otherwise hopeless situation. 

I do honestly believe that in time I will be ok on my own but it will take much learning and adjustment. Getting over a spouses infidelity is the single hardest thing I have ever had to face and I'm going through it all again. She has no idea what it has done to my head and part of me thinks she doesn't care - which is so difficult to accept. 

I'm going to join in more on this forum and others in order to seek and offer advice as it truly helps people in my situation when someone takes the time to respond in an hour of need. Families and friends are great but there's only a limited amount of shared experiences for comparison. A lot of people on these boards have lived through more than what I could bare. 


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Radch1988 said:


> Thank you toonice and TX for taking the time to respond. Your words offer hope and encouragement in an otherwise hopeless situation.
> 
> I do honestly believe that in time I will be ok on my own but it will take much learning and adjustment. Getting over a spouses infidelity is the single hardest thing I have ever had to face and I'm going through it all again. She has no idea what it has done to my head and part of me thinks she doesn't care - which is so difficult to accept.
> 
> ...


Sounds good. I'm sure others can learn from yiur experience. Just take it slow. Much of what you read will be a trigger for you. Be careful of "pain shopping" on this or any other forum. Your purpose now is to be the best person you can be, both for yourself and for your daughter. 

Being alone will be rough for a while. There will be periods of intense loneliness and periods of depression. See a counselor if it gets too bad. Consider immersing yourself in a hobby. Or, perhaps consider going back to school for another degree. 

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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Why will you not seek 50/50 custody of your kids. Do you honestly think being continually in your STBXW's presence a good thing?

You need to counter balance her bad behavior with them. 

Also, spending time with them will help you heal.


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## 25MLC (Jun 5, 2017)

Radch1988 said:


> Thankyou for the feedback SunC
> 
> I see you refer to the 180 - which I tried the first time around although my heart wasn't truly in it. I suppose it can be used as a tool to help 'get over' my STBXW.
> 
> ...


I'm so sorry you are here. There is a website for divorcebusting.com that has a section on handling infidelity. And surviving divorce. So Rather than just moving on as if this does not hurt like hell, take steps to protect your heart and finances for now.

See a lawyer as soon as possible. Keep posting. You will get through this. Given that this happened twice, and with different men (?) this says to me, (and I'm female) that your wife has issues beyond your control. 

You must begin to heal yourself. See a therapist and get OUT of the house, and keep posting. Be the best dad you can be. Your daughter needs you more now, than ever.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If you can't establish and maintain a strict no contact policy you'll just cause yourself more pain and wallow in this longer than you have to.

Never answer a phone call direct, let it go to voicemail then decide if you need to respond. Text or email only and keep that short. Kids, divorce or business only.

Why? It's like a wound. You bandage it up (180=no contac) so it can heal.

She confessed to the last affair because she wants out but is a coward and wants you to end it. There is no hope or magic here.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Remember she is one broken women in a sea of thousands. She is not irreplaceable, she is not your soulmate. She is just a broken person you had the unfortunate luck of having an relationship with. She is like a broken down car, time to scrap it and find one that runs. Some people feel it is harsh to talk about others this way but when it comes to committed relationships your wife is about as useful as a car with no engine. 

Also remember you are not the first nor the last who will go through this (not saying this to minimize you pain). Most people go through this in one form or another. Loss is a big part of life. I suggest you get some grief counseling as this is very much what you are going through. You just have to get through it, but let me assure you, though I know you don't feel like it, you will have joy again. Your life is not over, you ability to have happiness is not over.

You are correct that this may very well be the most difficult thing you have to go through in your life. It was for me and I wasn't even married. What I gained from going through it was that if I could get through it I could get through anything. This has taken away a lot of fear in my life. As I look back and say, well nothing could be worse then that, because I didn't think I would make it through it at the time, and I did. 

Some of the old standbys are. 

Hit the gym, working out helps build endorphins and gives you tangible goals and successes to be happy about. Also you call yourself codependent. You need to work on that, you may be one of these people (codependents) that cheaters look for. Codependents act like a host to a parasitic cheater. The cheater can smell the codependency and they are attracted to it because it helps provide for their lifestyle. Now that may not be you, the fact that you have broken it off is a good sign, still you should probably do some reading and or counseling to makes sure at the very least your picker isn't broken. 

The truest thing and the most comforting thing I can tell you though is that you will get through this and survive. You will be happy again, just as happy as your happiest moment with your wife. Right now you are in the raging storm on the ocean, you need to just hold on and ride it out.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

My kids all left home between 21 and 24, had or are still having several years of looking after themselves before being with someone. Its really good for us to be independent and look after ourselves for a while, so look on it as a positive thing that will enable you to learn things that maybe you didn't before. After my marriage of 23 years ended, I was on my own as a single mum for 6 years which I think is far harder than being alone. I had my children 24/7, they rarely saw their dad and that was hard.
I am glad that you will not be the one leaving the home, so many cheated on men do this.


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## Radch1988 (Jun 3, 2017)

Thank you all for the continued support. I know that there is no reason I won't be just as happy or even happier in the future but I know it's going to be a long hard road to get there. Having to carry on as normal is also difficult as I sit here getting ready for work. I don't want all this to jeopardise my career so I'm trying not to take any time off during this process other than for practical reasons i.e. Moving house. 

Thank you again folks. 


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## hylton7 (Jan 24, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> Actually, you are coping with it 1,000 times better than most men in similar situations. Most guys freak out, start drinking and then beg and plead their WW to stay at all costs and the guys end up becoming cuckolds that pay the bills and cater to the wife's whims while the WW continues to get it on with the OM and destroys the husband's humanity piece by piece, day by day.
> 
> You are actually looking at it in very realistic and practical terms and realizing that there is no marriage here and no chance for healthy and functional marital life and you are looking at taking definitive and appropriate actions to protect your assets, your relationship with your daughter and your sanity.
> 
> ...


your wrong most men don't stay with cheating wives.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I went through very similar circumstances as you. My xwife cheated and while she took full responsibility for the downfall of the marriage she never once apologized for doing so. The key here is to make a plan and move forward. It hurts like hell and I get it. Days I didn't want to get up from bed or go to work or even sadly be a father. Do those things anyway. Press forward. Use the anger as fuel. Once you are past the divorce you will come to a place where the rest of your life is yours to make however you choose. You will recover and find someone who isn't like she was. It seems impossible now but it will happen. 
Make a plan
Put it into action
Take care of yourself and your kiddo
Start thinking about the rest of your life and how it will be drama and lie free.


Welcome to the other side


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

There is life after divorce and betrayal. We are proof of that. Both in a very happy 11-year marriage after betrayals from our first spouse's in marriages of 23 and 25 years. It took time for me, I was a single mum for 6 years, a horrible time, but my husband and I met pretty soon after his marriage ended so he didn't live alone for too long because we married 9 months after meeting. 
Take one day at a time, its just as bad as if she had died, in some ways worse because you have the hurt of betrayal as well. Be kind to yourself and get some good legal advice.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Is your hotel stay temporary? You should talk to a lawyer about living out of the home for extended time. It might not benefit you. 

Make sure you get your fair share. She destroyed the marriage with infidelity, not you. 

Dadsdivorce.com is a good resource for men. Be a great dad to your daughter. She will need someone to show her what healthy boundaries in relationships are like and right now, that's not possible from her mother.


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## Radch1988 (Jun 3, 2017)

Hi all. Thank you again for your suggestions. 

My hotel stay is only for 1 week while she moves out. 
I fully intend to be the best dad I can be as I always have done and I know that being out of this toxic marriage will only make me become a stronger person and a better dad. Doesn't mean that not coming home to my daughter every day any less painful although we have agreed that we will split time with our daughter as equally as possible but that will take time to arrange. 

I'm also very aware that this marriage could have given me serious trust issues with any future partners but I can really see that I had nothing to do with her bad decisions and I still have a lot of love to give someone far more deserving. 





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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Radch1988 said:


> I'm also very aware that this marriage could have given me serious trust issues with any future partners but I can really see that I had nothing to do with her bad decisions and I still have a lot of love to give someone far more deserving.


You are wise to see this up front, it affects us all differently and the effects of a previous marriage that ended like that absolutely had difficult baggage I carried forward but shouldn't have.

Take your time to understand what role forgiveness has as well for it has two roles... we forgive to either keep people in our life or keep people out of our life... if we mix them we suffer as we cannot mindfully have both.

We like to think we can, so be clear your choice of offered friendships.

Your daughter's happiness (and your's too, when thought about it) may be confused if you and your unmindful ex choose to be "friends" when this is done, what your daughter does need is to see you is kind regardless of her mother's actions, this is how strong compassion with boundaries are learned... show this strength with honoring self and she will at least have been introduced to it the right way, with love, by her father.

Peace be with you...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

hylton7 said:


> your wrong most men don't stay with cheating wives.


Not the ones that post here.

Most if the BH's that post here and other forums make every excuse in the book and do the "Pick-Me! Dance" like crazy to keep their WW's in the house.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

YOU'RE in a hotel??? WTF. SHE should be the one who got their ass kicked to the curb!!!!! 

When my hubby cheated I coped by kicking his ass out and proceeding to redecorate my bedroom, drink lots of wine, commiserate with friends and family, tell everyone what a piece of **** he was, and refuse to answer his numerous texts, emails or phone calls. I also saw my dr. and got tested for STD's. He offered me drugs but I turned him down for those - some people find a sleeping pill handy. I also saw a counselor for some IC.


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## Radch1988 (Jun 3, 2017)

Hi hope. I'm in the hotel purely for the sake of getting my daughters and wife's things out of our home. I don't think in my state of mind I could stand and watch everything be taken from our home. The end of this will result in us selling the house and splitting the equity in order to go towards providing a place for us all to live. I agree wholeheartedly with your reaction though. I was and still am so angry but this way I'm actually making her do all the work and I will be moving back home while the house is redecorated and sold. I'm no longer being a codependent pushover as I know deep down that's exactly what I have been. 

I can fully understand the need for sleeping pills. After going through this hell your mind just does not stop! I got maybe 2-3 hours sleep last night and don't see this one or the next few months being any different. It's a living hell but I'll look back on this in years to come and know it was the best decision I've ever made. No more lies, no more hurt. I just hope that one day in the future she realises the pain and suffering she has caused. I'm considering some IC but I'll see how I am in a month or two first. 






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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Giving a nasty cheater the heave ho is the best you can do for yourself. I'm sorry this happened to you, but you are doing the right thing for yourself and your kids. Your wife is a sick and broken person. 

Make sure you are getting the proper amounts of fluids and nutrition. Eat right and try to get back into an exercise and weightlifting routine. Take care of your health.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Radch1988 said:


> Thank you all for the continued support. I know that there is no reason I won't be just as happy or even happier in the future but I know it's going to be a long hard road to get there. Having to carry on as normal is also difficult as I sit here getting ready for work. I don't want all this to jeopardise my career so I'm trying not to take any time off during this process other than for practical reasons i.e. Moving house.
> 
> Thank you again folks.
> 
> ...


Let your boss/superior know what you're going through. They'll understand plus you need the support


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Welcome to TAM sweetheart and I am so sorry for you and your baby girl that you are here. Divorce is very, very difficult on everyone.

I understand why the advice leans toward being ice cold to her, BUT every divorcing couple is different. I guess I am in a fairly unique situation in that I tried super hard to remain friendly with my XH through the divorce process and the subsequent years to follow. I wanted to do that for the sake of our daughters. It has greatly benefited everyone in the long run. It does force you to have to look way ahead, past your current high level of pain, to your future. 

This woman will be in your life forever...all functions for your daughter throughout school, graduations, weddings, grandchildren etc. Being on friendly terms makes everything so much easier, at least from my perspective, comparing to my friends that are divorced and fairly hostile. Heck, my hubby and I just went to dinner and a movie with my XH and our girls last week. Just the five of us. We had fun! 

This is brand new fresh for you. The pain is stifling. Take as good care of yourself and your daughter as you can. Also, set the tone with your STBXW as suits your future. Only the two of you know what is the best way to proceed.

I wish you peace and happiness asap!


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## Radch1988 (Jun 3, 2017)

Sound advice mark - this is exactly what I have done. Not so much because I'll need time off to sit around and wallow in my own self pity but more for practical reasons i.e. When we sell the house. Also having someone at work to watch your back is comforting. 

Spicy, again your advice is spot on. I know at the moment I feel nothing but hurt, betrayal, anger and everything else that comes with divorce through infidelity but I know that we will still have to remain friendly for the sake of our daughter. I know she will still be in my life so I have to learn to forgive and move on but that will take time and effort. In the mean time we are remaining civil and ensuring the divorce goes as smoothly as possible. 

I'm just so glad I have a daughter to focus on and bring me happiness through all this - it's the lowest I've felt in all my life but from here on in it's onwards and upwards. 



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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Rad,

You DO NOT have to remain friendly.......CIVIL is appropriate.

In fact, I recommend against being her friend.

One.....she will want that to minimize and justify in her mind, and eventually to your daughter, that what she did wasn't that bad.

"See....it was for the best. He got over it and we are still great friends.....The M was bad, not me."

Two.....do you really want a backstabbing traitor like her as a friend?

Personally, I keep people who have wronged me as distant as possible from my daily life.


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## Radch1988 (Jun 3, 2017)

Dy. 

Completely agree with the comment about minimising all of this down the line. I do not want my STBXW ever to feel that what she's done is ok. It's not. It effects not just me but everyone around her. I just want to stay friendly and civil. That is not to say I want to remain best friends. I just think that when we have to be in a room together that we can be ok. I do not want my daughter picking up on any resentment or hostility as she is young and I want her to remain as happy as possible given the circumstances. 

Once she is old enough to ask questions and understand then she will be told the truth and know that I have always done the best for her. 






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