# PLEASE HELP how long would you wait, and pay for your mistake



## ihatelife1 (Jan 19, 2012)

okay ill make it as short as possible

met in 89 together off and on till nov 99 then committed and married in july 2000

he has always drank to much ever since we met well he quit for almost a year finally so i married him

that very day he started drinking again and it was over 320 days a year of drinking and neglecting me and kids from july 2000 till dec 2010 including treating me like **** while pregnant and leaving hospital day son born to go have dinner and came back drunk.

i started telling him in 2007 that i was giving up, he was gonna lose his family, etc so i ended up in an emotional affair in april 2010 that person and i never had sexual intercourse infact never saw each other with our clothes off even, 

he found out in dec 2010

he instantly stopped drinking that day and said i cant lose you guys 

fast forward to now the no drinking made it almost a year and now he only drinks when he is out of town working...never at home anymore or around me

he basically tells me any hurt from 10 years of drinking should be gone now that he quit

but heres my MAGICAL question before i go insanse trying to figure out what to do

so 19 MONTHS later 

he has not drank once around me

i have not so much as even talked to another guy

we have both lived up to our promise

so I have to ask if you were a girl how long would you wait for him to ever touch you again?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

we have not had sex since oct 2010 
we dont even get dressed or change clothes in front of each other, i have to go bed in shorts and tshirt otherwise i can tell he is uncomfortable every time he accidently sees any part of my body he immediatly looks away,

since october 2010 i Have gotten a peck on the lips for a kiss maybe 4 times a week

and hugs only when he wants to give them 

i could understand if the affair was sexual maybe but my god i have not had sex with anybody else since 1998 

i unfourtantly am the type that the only thing i want in life is to be smothered with love and attention and he knows that and he knows the negelct and lack of love and affection and drinking is was lead to affair

i try to talk to him about it about every six weeks and the answer is always the same "im doing the best i can dont push it"

im not even asking for sex either just one little step at a time forward and some kind of love and affection (by the way not allowed to say i love you ever again still either)

i finally asked today if it came to where i said i have to have some improvment and some love and affection in my life or im done what would happen and the response was

if you give me an ultimatim you will probably lose, im doing the best i can and that i am heartless and need to learn about post tramatic stress disorder it could be ten years before hes ready to touch me again..............RU SERIOUS i cant find anything that says this is normal especially when sex never was part of affair...............

now on the flip side he likes to be held and cuddeled and likes to have me get him ready for bed and tuck him in, get his late night snack, his juice for the middle of night, etc.... and i do all of it i have never denied him a thing because of his drinking but this his way or the highway is getting old 


do i really not deserve ANY love or affection or to be held this much later after affair, 19months i have more then proven my love for him and have not faultered at all as far as cheating go......not even he can say he hasnt faultered cause he drinks again just not at home and if i dont like it tough and never drinking again was the agreement along with never cheating again in dec 2010

im starting to grow resintment and anger now and i am not gonna spend my life being satisfied with a toy....

how long do you think is long enough to wait for someone to touch you or for that matter really even show you they love you....

my eleven year old really hurt me the other day and i spent the entire day crying and begging him for love and help and to hold me why i cry so i feel better anything.........and even after pathetically begging i was still denied

im so stressed out and hurt i have sores on my head, my face, cant even function half the time cause i cant figure out what im doing so wrong, i have been kissing his ass since 2010



HOW LONG WOULD YOU WAIT?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Has your spouse been in the military? Exactly how did your 11 year old hurt you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband is definately punishing you. Most likely it's not only for the EA but for his feeling that he had to give up drinking.

It's time for you to tell him that either he works on the marriage, got to MC and even sex therapy with you or it's over.

I suggest that you get a copy of the book "Surviving an Affair". you read it, then give it to him to read.

AFter that I sugget you get the looks liked to in my signature block below about building a passionate marriage. They will help affair proof your marriage and teach the both of you a lot about meeting each other's needs.


He seems to have no clue how horrible he hurt you with his drinking. Being a drunk is a deal breaker in marriage.

You are doing what you can to meet his needs and he continues to ignore yours. Why would you want to stay in this marriage? 

If you feel like leaving you are justified.


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## ihatelife1 (Jan 19, 2012)

thank you for your advice i have read that book and he doesnt want to, we went to counseling for awhile and thought it helped alot and helped me, months later he made a comment that it was a joke, i have asked for sex therapy and he says its something he needs to work on himself, would you waste time finding out if he is the cheater now? I dont know why i hang on thats part of my problem, part of me feels like i deserve this treatment for what i did and part of me doesnt want to seperate kids from parents till there 18, but more and more i just find myself sitting saying why am i here? i really am starting believe that he is playing me until the kids are 18 and they are only 11 and 8, so that way he has someone to take care of his house, kids, bills etc why he works and travels, when he is home he comes in house straight to bedroom and doesnt get up again till next day and take his sleeping medicine its like anything he can do to not have to deal with me, except saturday night which is family out to dinner night......i have said to him just tell me if that is what you want then i know im just a roomate....somehow he has me convinved that all his drinking was because he says he has known forever that im a cheater and could never trust me, but he has drank forever and had two duii before we ever together so were those my fault also.....i have even said to him that i understand the no sex but my concern is the fact that i am the only one who ever even mentions any concern about the fact that we are roomates....and there also are all these rules cant say i love you ever again, cant discuss or ever do blowjob again, doesnt want to touch my chest ever again, i got rid of the car i had cause he had been in it, i changed jobs twice and have been stay at home mom now for a year and never go anywhere or do anything and have a tracking thing on my cell phone that he can look at on his that tells him exactly where i am....i guess its the change im affaird of and i have always had no self esteem and always thought i was short fat and ugly...i dont know why i put up with it...i really thought i deserved the punishment until recently....he says its not punishment at all that I HAVE NO CLUE ABOUT POST TRAMATIC STRESS DISORDER that it is not just for militaty men and go educate myself


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## ihatelife1 (Jan 19, 2012)

no my husband has never been in the military and my son hurt me cause he told me sometimes he loves his dad more then me, and sometimes his heart loves me but his mind says it hates me and wishes i would go away and howcome his mind is different then his heart


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

' now on the flip side he likes to be held and cuddeled and likes to have me get him ready for bed and tuck him in, get his late night snack, his juice for the middle of night, etc.... and i do all of it i have never denied him a thing because of his drinking but this his way or the highway is getting old '

I'm sorry but WTH?

Anyway, no you shouldn't be punished for the rest of your life for your mistakes, neither should he. 
You need to take control of the situation now. Going without sex for 10 years is just ridiculous. You ask how Long should you have to wait? I'd say you have waited long enough!
Don't wait for him to kick you out when the kids have gone. Take control of your life and do what you think is best BUT do not have another A.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ihatelife1 (Jan 19, 2012)

i guess he thinks he deserves attention still cause he didnt cheat but i have explained to him so much that in my book he did...everytime he picked up a beer he was choosing it over his family....he says its not the same cause a beer doesnt sexually satisfy him or give love and affection, and i told him in my book it was worse i would of rathered he went and slept with someone then drank for 10 years....its only been since oct 2010 since we have had sex....but he says it takes time...i just cant find any kind of literature or anything that sort of explains how long it takes or how long i should wait...and its not even about the sex completly its about ANY kind of love and affection...i just dont get it why would he stay with me if i make him so miserable and he doesnt want to touch me


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So what exactly is he doing to "work on things"? Personally, if someone was to tell me that, they'd have to show some form of proof or progress, otherwise it's just words. Even reading self-help books...

C


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

ihatelife1 said:


> *i told him in my book it was worse i would of rathered he went and slept with someone then drank for 10 years.*


Forgive me for saying this, but you have no idea of the magnitude of the emotional upheaval we experienced when our spouses cheated on us. Our whole view of the world changes, and our belief in the goodness of others suffers a crippling blow. The triggers, the emotional roller coaster, the mind movies, all make for a very traumatic experience that in some cases has led to suicide on the part of victims of infidelity. 

You had an EA, which can be equally as devastating as a PA and the recovery for your BH can be anywhere from 2 to 5 years. You had the option of leaving him but instead you chose a cowardly way of dealing with your marital problems - much like he did with his drinking - and that option is still open to you if he continues to avoid working with you to build a new marriage. An option which may be the only way for you to gain some true peace of mind.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

An affair is no mistake but a deliberate bad choice.

*Mistake*: An act committed without any knowledge of a possible negative outcome.

*Bad Choice*: An act committed with awareness of the possible negative outcome but deciding to ignore it or hoping for the best.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Morituri is right. Maybe you haven't realised how much your A has hurt him? Yes his 10 years if drinking hurt you, but you have deeply wounded him too. But this isn't about who has been hurt the most or whose behaviour was the worse, I think you and your Hs issues go much deeper.

My father was a drinker. My mum left and took me with her when I was 13. The stress nearly killed her, but walking out was the best decision she made for all of us!
Is this the life you all deserve? You have a lot of thinking to do. You both seriously need some counselling too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

PBear said:


> So what exactly is he doing to "work on things"? Personally, if someone was to tell me that, they'd have to show some form of proof or progress, otherwise it's just words. Even reading self-help books...
> 
> C


This. And I would look for signs of an affair, because I would definitely question a man able to go 19 months without sex. 

My H said to me, after a year of my tossing his drug relapse and subsequent affair in his face.."did you only get back with me to punish me or try and hurt me as bad as I hurt you and do you actually want this marriage to work?". I didn't withhold sex from him during that time, but in my mind a part of me did want to hurt him as bad as he hurt me. His question made me question my true intent for AGREEING to reconcile.... If I wasn't going to start enjoying my marriage, what was really the point in reconciling? 

You H's drinking did not cause you to have an EA, but it certainly contributed to your feeling of hopelessness and needing to talk to a "normal"person... Gawd knows us drunks are not the funnest or most coherent to talk to.. it makes it difficult to feel connected when you know a person may not remember half or more of a conversation... It sux actually. 

You both have done some fairly awful things in your marriage, but it sounds like you are more than willing to make this work, but your H.. not so much. I'm sorry, but to me it sounds like you need to offer up an ultimatum.

Good luck.

ETA: How often does he travel? Sounds like he's cake eating with his addiction. Perhaps he's using just enough to keep that addict behavior hanging around. Really what else are YOU suppose to do to show your remorse? Why is all this falling on just you, he needs to take personal responsibility too. IMHO, your H did far more horrible things towards you than you to him. But marriage isn't a competition, what matters is each spouse is willing to actively and proactively repair and maintain the marriage... And I stand by my opinion that you need to offer up an ultimatum.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I think is wise to think what your choices are. He neglected you for 10 yrs and is still neglecting you. Now he bleieves he has all the cards in the marriage: He's not drinking and you had an affair.
YOu deserve better, he doesn't want R. He wants the confort, the status quo.
You have the right to choose. It's not a marriage. It's still onesided.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> i try to talk to him about it about every six weeks and the answer is always the same "im doing the best i can dont push it"


Let me be 100% honest. I think it will be better for you. I'm going to put myself on your husbands position and say what he doesn't out of fear of hurting you. This is what i think is going around in your husband's head:


Your husband is disgusted by the sight of you. You claimed an emotional affair with no sexual contact but he can't be sure you're telling the truth and he can't even be sure that was a one time thing or that it is really over or is not repeating itself. 

Through is mind, whenever he looks at your body, pass these flashes of other dudes having sex with you. Probably even in the very same bedroom you sleep in. 

So, i hope this perspective somewhat helps you understand. How long will it last? Nobody can say. 

Oh and all that "the affair was his fault" crap... I'm pretty sure that isn't helping. 

And 



> 19months i have more then proven my love for him


You don't get to decide this. He does. And as bad as a husband he was, you gave him the reins of the relationship by cheating. You can always leave him, if you think it is not worth the effort.

I didn't see you point out a single positive thing about this marriage, so why go through all this? Religious reasons?


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

costa200 said:


> Let me be 100% honest. I think it will be better for you. I'm going to put myself on your husbands position and say what he doesn't out of fear of hurting you. This is what i think is going around in your husband's head:
> 
> 
> Your husband is disgusted by the sight of you. You claimed an emotional affair with no sexual contact but he can't be sure you're telling the truth and he can't even be sure that was a one time thing or that it is really over or is not repeating itself.
> ...


Her H isn't even trying. 19 months of no sex because of any affair is NOT working on a marriage that was decided by both spouses to salvage. What the he!! else can a spouse do to after all that time to prove that they are remorseful and committed to change? I do believe if any man here posted the same scenario, the advice would not be near as critical and if his wife was withholding sex or any kind of affection for 19 months, the overwhelming response would be that she needs to step up her game.. afterall she agreed to work on the marriage, which it sounded like the OP's H did as well, at first.... Now he seems to have shut down.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

I think you need to pack in and leave. Yes, progress can be very slow but it appears that there is NO progress in your marriage. It's not about a time table. Your H seems to be gaining some sort of pleasure or satisfaction out of you pain. I'm not saying that he doesn't deserve some satisfaction but it does seem to me that he wants nothing more than what is happening now. 
Morituri is right. You have no idea of the pain and trauma a betrayed spouse feels. I'm not placing all the blame on you. Both you and your H have done things to each other but the pain he may be feeling is something you can't understand until you experience it for yourself.


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

That length of time blows me away. As a man that is a longtime to resist a woman that wants to have sex. Especially a woman he lays beside every night. I'm disgusted with my STBXW but if she was laying beside me every night and asking for sex I would probably do it.......and kick her ass outta bed after  Is there a chance he's getting it elsewhere?


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

And my advice is to leave. 19 months wow that's a long sentence. What's the point of staying married with zero affection and physical contact. Why not live separately? Is it because he would be a drunk without you and you worry about this. I'm not excusing your affair at all, it's a terrible thing but 19 MONTHS!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ihatelife1 said:


> no my husband has never been in the military and my son hurt me cause he told me sometimes he loves his dad more then me, and sometimes his heart loves me but his mind says it hates me and wishes i would go away and howcome his mind is different then his heart


Two things about this. Your raction to a child saying this was not very good at all. It will go a long way to teach your son to NEVER open up to any woman because she will over react.

Your son was telling you the truth and asking for clarification.

Go back to your son, tell him you are sorry for your reaction and discuss this with him. 

Explain to him that we love each person we love differently. And on some days we even love the same person differntly... some days we love them like crazy and some days not so much. It has to do with our own emtions, what the other person has done, etc.

For example on a day when you make your son do something that he does not want to do, like clean his room, he might not be very happy with you. On those days it's probably easier to feel love for his dad because his dad never tells him to clean his room.

So sometimes his heart might love you, but his head says "no she made me clean my room... I don't love her so much".

The other issue here is that your son is learning how to treat you by watching how your husband treats you. Further you are teaching your son that it's ok to mistreat you.... after all you put up with what his father is doing.. your son is confused and learning a lot of bad lessons in your household.

This is why divorce is better than the situation you are in. The lessons your son learns from this will follow him through life. Unless you show him that a man loses his wife for treating her this way... your son is going to treat his wife in the same manner your husband is treating you. Is this really what you want for your son? And when your son grows up, he's doing to treat you like your husband treats you.

When I divorced my son's father, my son and I had a lot of coversations about this. I told him in several different ways that when you treat your spouse the wrong way you will lose your spouse. My son picked up on this. 

There was one time after I left his dad (son was in 2nd grade) where my son started to hit me 'cause he wanted me to do something I said no to. I said stop. He said "Why? My dad hit you." I responded "yea and I divorced your dad. Do you want me to divorce you, send you to live with your dad and never see me again?" He looked shocked. It was the last time that little guy did anything like that.

My son is 23 now.. get gets that he has to treat a woman well and she has to treat him well.

You are teaching your son that you are not worth sh!t, all women are not and he can treat you and other women take this. Is this really the lesson you want your son to have?

If you cannot demand respect because you think your not worth it, do it to teach your son the right way to live his life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lone Star said:


> I think you need to pack in and leave. Yes, progress can be very slow but it appears that there is NO progress in your marriage. It's not about a time table. Your H seems to be gaining some sort of pleasure or satisfaction out of you pain. I'm not saying that he doesn't deserve some satisfaction but it does seem to me that he wants nothing more than what is happening now.
> Morituri is right. You have no idea of the pain and trauma a betrayed spouse feels. I'm not placing all the blame on you. Both you and your H have done things to each other but the pain he may be feeling is something you can't understand until you experience it for yourself.


Likewise, her husband cannot understand her pain for having lived with an alcoholic husband who ignored her needs for 10 years.

We cannot measure the pain 2 people experience from different traumas. The scales for that do not exist. But both of them have hurt each other. 

At this point they agreed to try to repair the marriage. It's not working.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Cherry said:


> Her H isn't even trying. 19 months of no sex because of any affair is NOT working on a marriage that was decided by both spouses to salvage. What the he!! else can a spouse do to after all that time to prove that they are remorseful and committed to change? I do believe if any man here posted the same scenario, the advice would not be near as critical and if his wife was withholding sex or any kind of affection for 19 months, the overwhelming response would be that she needs to step up her game.. afterall she agreed to work on the marriage, which it sounded like the OP's H did as well, at first.... Now he seems to have shut down.


You can't say he isn't trying. As far as we know it took all he could must just not to end the marriage right there. And no one else but him can say exactly if this thing can sort itself out or not. If the OP isn't happy she can leave at any time. 

In fact i think the OP just wants some validation on some "deadline" in which people see it as acceptable for her to leave her BS. My opinion is that if she is needing that validation then why be with that guy?

He is not putting effort and she has done everything blah blah blah.... We are only getting her side of this. And no, this would not be different if she was a guy. Same thing there. 

I see cheaters trying to get this "golden timetable" in which they want a deadline for their partner to fully recover from the cheating. Well, guess what, there is no timetable and your partner doesn't have a deadline. He/She is doing you a huge favor just not serving you divorce papers. 

How dare you try to give out deadlines? 

If you're not happy just do the BS a favor and leave already.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do yourself a favor and leave.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

costa200 said:


> You can't say he isn't trying. As far as we know it took all he could must just not to end the marriage right there. And no one else but him can say exactly if this thing can sort itself out or not. If the OP isn't happy she can leave at any time.
> 
> In fact i think the OP just wants some validation on some "deadline" in which people see it as acceptable for her to leave her BS. My opinion is that if she is needing that validation then why be with that guy?
> 
> ...


I didn't say a thing about him being fully recovered... But sex and an intimate connection is a basic NEED for a marriage to be deeper than roommates or siblings... HE is denying a basic component of marriage to his wife, the woman he told he wanted to stay married to.

I do think there's only so much past you can hold onto before it destroys your marriage completely... Like continuing to deny a basic component of marriage, especially going on nearly two years. 

P.S. she's already said they have young children.. that's makes a decision to leave a marriage a lil more complicated, that and finances. And we can only advise based on what the OP says is going on, I hate to speculate anything.. besides she is the one asking how to fix this... She's trying too.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> besides she is the one asking how to fix this...


She is? That's not the vibe i got from her posts at all. What i got was a request for a deadline from which she can leave the guy with a clear conscience. 

And yes, sex is a component of a healthy marriage. And this is, in no way, a healthy marriage. It wasn't before the cheating either. 

Kids are a factor but if one is to use them as an excuse to continue a relationship it is a really heavy weight on those children. They are going to live within an unhealthy relation.

Perhaps the OP can say if the marriage has positives. Staying married for the sake of being married doesn't seem like a great life plan.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

costa200 said:


> She is? That's not the vibe i got from her posts at all.
> 
> Perhaps the OP can say if the marriage has positives. Staying married for the sake of being married doesn't seem like a great life plan.


I guess I did get that vibe.. oh well.

And yeah, you're right, perhaps she'll elaborate on that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This is not only about lack of sex. It's about lack of any kind of emotional connection.

She has every right to decide how long she is willing to try to work on a very broken marriage. No excuse neeed for her to decide it's time to throw in the towel.

Unfortunately most people have a very hard time determining when that time comes. Instead they stay in the same mess for far too long...long after the damage has become a cancer to all involved.

I know this all too well from my own life.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> She has every right to decide how long she is willing to try to work on a very broken marriage. No excuse neeed for her to decide it's time to throw in the towel.


Hence this " how long would you wait, and pay for your mistake " question to validate the decision she apparently is hesitating to make. It's seems to me this thread is not about trying to work out a way to save a marriage but instead put a time limit on it.

Personally, i think this marriage died long ago. Perhaps even before the affair.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

costa200 said:


> Hence this " how long would you wait, and pay for your mistake " question to validate the decision she apparently is hesitating to make. It's seems to me this thread is not about trying to work out a way to save a marriage but instead put a time limit on it.
> 
> Personally, i think this marriage died long ago. Perhaps even before the affair.


I agree that this marriage died a long time ago from what we have been told... probably long before the affair.

There is nothing wrong with her coming here and asking such a question. She's trying to decide when enough is enough for her. It's a reasonable question to contemplate. 

No one is obligated to work on a failed marriage forever. Nor do people who post here have to be working to save their marriage to post here. 

She's evaluating her situation and should explore all possibilities.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> I agree that this marriage died a long time ago from what we have been told... probably long before the affair.


Almost never born. The man started going out everyday to party and get drink.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Ihatelife:

Regarding the lack of sex, Have physical reasons for his disinterest in sex been ruled out?

If not, take him to a urologist and a cardiologist for a check up.


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## ihatelife1 (Jan 19, 2012)

I do understand what you are saying about what might go through his mind, but he had a pi and a copy of every text message ever sent and a lie detector test i paid for....he DOES KNOW that we never saw each other out of work for more then 15 mins on a break to go to 7-11 and back and that there was no sex and all the rest of that, the fact that he is left to wonder i guess but really with lie detector and all, not to mention he wont take one to see if all the times he had girls in the car out of town, or wasnt at his hotel etc. why wouldnt you prove that you also have never cheated if it is so important???? HE tells me that i have no proof and he has never cheated so im not aloud to talk about him cheating. He says im the cheater hes the drunk...Ru serious????????? so i asked him if what he is saying is that some day if i have a drinking problem he has no right to talk to me about it? and he says of course i do....so i said well anybody can start being a drunnk or cheater at any time and he has so many unexplained phone calls and MIaction times drunk out on the road that it is not even funny. Somebody mentioned counseling I do go and I go with my kids also, and he went for a couple months but now says that was a joke and i thought then that it was doing us well but find out now i guess it wasnt.... he doesnt believe in counseling cause his ex used it against him in a custody battle. i think there is more to it then drinking and cheating, theres a reson why someone would not even care if the person they love supposedly was laying next to them crying for an entire day crying and never try and help ask whats wrong or even give you a hug especially when you ask for it.....There is only so much I can do the agreement was to stay together and the counselor had us each pick ONE thing that would be a deal breaker and that would cause us to file for divorce his was any form of cheating and mine was drinking on drop of alcohol....so i guess maybe im the idiot cause last november when he started drinking on the road he knew that was my deal breaker and didnt care and did it anyway...when i ask him and say hey you didnt know whenyou took that drink if i would leaveor not so obviously once again beer is more important then your wife and kids and he says no but i knew you wouldnt leave...

I have said OVER AND OVER again that there is no winner and who did what when where why or how or more then the other or first etc really doesnt matter now...what matters is going forward what were gonna do about it.....he has always said he doesnt care what i think cheating is worse then drinking and thats been the battle and i keep saying it doesnt matter and he says it does...so finally i said okay lets talk about the theroys lets go with 1. cheating is worse then drinking your right? 2. Drinking is worse then cheating ? 3. what he did is worse 4. what i did is worse.....so after i listed all the senerios i said lets go with all of yours that cheating is worse, what i did is worse, i slept with half the town, you name it hes right......i then said so now theres no more arguing over whos is worse im saying mine is......and then i said but you know what the outcome is the same what are we going to do about it now move forward or not....i really think that it is payback now to hurt me as much as i hurt him.....or a test to see how long ill go before i do it again so he can say i told you so.....i have changed and put my heart and soul into this and if thats what hes waiting for hell be waiting along time.....that will not happen....if i get that unhappy and ignored again ill leave first this time. somebody asked how often he travels ......it probably about 65 percent of the year right now and when he does i get hotel names room numbers phone numbers nothing he says i have his cell phone and thats all i need and it has always been that way.....and also if i dont answer his calls within 15mins the neighbors my sister his friends anybody else we know is knocking on the door or calling looking for me...but its okay for him to call at 6 and say i just got off work grabing some dinner ill call you when i get back to hotel and then never hear from again till the next day and he does not answer his phone.....my dad was a complete drunk till i was 16 and i always swore i would never put my kids through that...and ironically my dad traveled also and my poor mom always had to come up with excuses why daddy never called us back at night or whatever...and its heart breaking to watch mine cry and say i wish i could say goodnight to daddy....and this is a battle we have always had cause he says hes on his time drinking not ours....and i COMPLETLY DISAGREE cause you arent being a father and saying goodnight to your kids, if god forbid something happened and you had to come home..A. we cant get ahold of you B. you couldnt drive home C. You cant drive yourself to airport ...not to mention that the drinking on the road is a 50 to 70 dollar adventure each day so financially it is hard also since he wants me to stay home with the kids.....i guess what hurts the most is i really wanted better for my kids i have always believed mom and dad should stay together, and the fact that there lifes would change and i cant provide for them as well if i leave breaks my heart he also has signed a document that if i divorce him he never wants to see them again and have there names changed.....this in itsself is a whole nother issue cause if he really truly could walk out the door and never see them again then he is not the person i thought he was and that disgust me...I guess i have my answer staring me in the face but im just scared of the change .....that and the fact. that he has me convinced me i deserve this treatment and i owe him something...but why is it all me????????????? and on his time line???????????/ im not asking for much he gets away with all the behaviors that i do not like and doesnt have enough respect to not do them...he again last night told me hes doing the best he can and if its not enough for me then leave...i asked him to write down what he does that lets me know he loves me and gives me that im okay he loves me feeling inside....and he thought about it for quite awhile and the response was....im here still.....i keep a roof over your head and food on the table....and i try to hug you once a day...i send your flowers( but the one time in 3 years i got flowers was after he started drinking again in november on the road and was the next morning after he went off on me for hours the night before about what a ****, *****, *****, etc i am and hes done and i can f off etc....so it wasnt cause you love me it was cause i had to kiss ass .......and for those that say i dont say anything good, unfourtnantly there isnt alot of good your right...but the deal is I do love him, I think he has incredible issues from his ex that i still pay for....i think he is a good dad when he is with the boys the only problem is its not enough......he does have a good heart i believe i think alot of the attitude is an act i think there is a good person in there under that....he works very hard and provides roof over our head clothes on our back and food on teh table so hes not a deat beat husband who wont get or hold down a job at least. but its almost like the house and food and clothes is about he provides anymore he is gone half the time and the half he is here he is at work or comes home and straight to the bedroom for the rest of day...he has basically lived in the bedroom for the last year and half and it is nothing to him to watch me do all the homework all the school projects pack the lunches, make dinner, clean the house do laundry deal with the younger boys adhd, run errands make sure his bed is perfect for him every night , make sure we have the right snack food and juice he wants every night and before i quit working i would go get him a sandwhich at jack in the box every night between 12 and 2 am when i had to be at work at 530am so im working practically round the clock but then i get the well i work harder then you though....its just basically been all about him,,,his way or the highway......ive smothered him everyday i do something extra for him i even have notes to myself around to remind of my what am i gonna do for him today...even if its as small as making brownies its still something.. he has always told me a stay at home mom , and i have the luxury of sitting on my ass all day... the biggest problem is the resintment that is growing from everything being my job why all he does is goes to work comes home and is cattered to he doesnt even come downstairs and eat dinner with us ever he literally lives in bedroom, i dont know i dont know i dont know...my mom keeps saying well you have a better financial life and a house etc if you stay and hes gone so much to just stick it out and ignore his ass when hes home, but that very hard to do =bQUOTE=costa200;881095]Let me be 100% honest. I think it will be better for you. I'm going to put myself on your husbands position and say what he doesn't out of fear of hurting you. This is what i think is going around in your husband's head:


Your husband is disgusted by the sight of you. You claimed an emotional affair with no sexual contact but he can't be sure you're telling the truth and he can't even be sure that was a one time thing or that it is really over or is not repeating itself. 

Through is mind, whenever he looks at your body, pass these flashes of other dudes having sex with you. Probably even in the very same bedroom you sleep in. 

So, i hope this perspective somewhat helps you understand. How long will it last? Nobody can say. 

Oh and all that "the affair was his fault" crap... I'm pretty sure that isn't helping. 

And 



You don't get to decide this. He does. And as bad as a husband he was, you gave him the reins of the relationship by cheating. You can always leave him, if you think it is not worth the effort.

I didn't see you point out a single positive thing about this marriage, so why go through all this? Religious reasons?[/QUOTE]


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