# Hobby getting out of control?



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I apologize if this post is seen as intrusive since I am not a lady in the ladies' lounge but I feel I need a female perspective on this question.

When my middle son moved out several months ago my wife became somewhat depressed. We both feel she was experiencing a little empty nest syndrome. We went online and did some reading and one of the suggestions was that she might consider taking up a hobby. She liked that idea and decided to take up photography. I was very supportive and helped her as much as I could. She seemed happier and more at ease so I felt good that she felt good.

However, as time has gone on she has turned this hobby into an obsession; at least in my opinion. Now it seems wherever we go she brings her camera. I wouldn't mind but her new hobby has started intruding quite a bit into our time together. For example, we have always shared walks together at a local hiking trail. Not only is this good exercise but it allows us to talk about things away from the house. We often resolve issues and discuss our troubles during these long walks. Lately though she has been bringing that camera with her every time we go. Instead of having nice conversations we end up stopping every few minutes while she takes a few pictures. Our leisurely strolls have turned into me escorting her while she practices her hobby.

When we went to visit my parents she, of course, brought the camera. When we are home she is always taking pictures so much so that when I go looking for her for some reason or another I invariably find her outside snapping off a few shots. For several years now I have always called her at a specific time so we can talk about plans for later that day or any issues that need to be addressed asap. Now I find more often than not she doesn't answer her phone because she is taking pictures. The other night she stayed up well past the time we normally go to bed because she was taking pictures that just had to be done right at that time for some reason.

I have talked to her about my concerns that she is going too far but her reply to me is always that it's better than her being depressed and eventually the excitement will wear off and she will slow down a bit. On the one hand I am happy she has found something that pleases her and takes her mind off her woes. On the other hand I am very concerned that if she doesn't start balancing things out it will get even more out of hand and will really affect our relationship. Since I have already spoken to her how can I let her know how serious I feel this is without ruining her new found pleasure and/or without her becoming resentful? I would like some opinions on how I should handle this touchy issue?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Well, like you said. It's touchy, because you first wanted her to show an interest in something else, and when she did and went full hog, now you want her to pull back. 

You can always tell your wife that you miss her company when she has her nose behind the camera so much. She likely is using it right now as a coping strategy.

I don't have any kids that have left the nest yet, but I can see both points of view. For a long time, I was a spectator to my husband's obsession with anything sports, and felt quite left out of his life. After several years of this in our early married life, I told him that I was done and was ready to move out. He came around fairly quickly and things dramatically improved. I hope you don't have to go to that length to open your wife's eyes. 

And, of course, I have my own hobby - which is somewhat related to your wife's. I love to take pictures too, but then I can spend hours and hours in the evening organizing and creating photobooks online. My H will simply mention that he hasn't seen my face for awhile, and I know that I have been spending too much time with my hobby. So, we normallly set it up where we each have a block of time for 'me' time, we have a block of time for 'family' time, and we have a block of time for 'our' time. Talk with your wife about setting up the boundaries for each of those particular blocks of time.

And finally, is there anything that is of interest to both of you? We have found that one of the things we enjoy a lot is taking the dogs out for a walk together - leaving the 17 year old to manage the fort while we are gone. It gives us 'our' time, where we can talk and be away from the kids. I usually leave my camera behind - although my H will sometimes suggest I take it, but he will take it from my hand and will take snaps of me as well - he noticed I appeared in very few pictures in those albums because I was the one always taking the pictures. 

Hope you can find a way to compromise to a solution.

Best wishes.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I wonder if you engage with her about her photography on the walks? Do you ask her what she's learned recently or what technique she's trying out? I wonder if you could be more involved with her? As Enchantment suggested, perhaps you could take a few snaps of her? This could be a wonderful way to capture the memories of all those walks you take together.

Any possibility you could enjoy her new found passion / coping mechanism with her - by creating albums at home or choosing certain photos to frame together? Perhaps your routine as a couple is going to change. Maybe the walks and talks can morph into other things now. 

I do understand your concerns though so I don't mean to brush off your feelings about it. I get the importance of having each others undivided attention and being in the moment together. I'm just prompting if there's scope for change within both of you? This could be a positive new thing!

I've certainly thrown myself into hobbies/passions/distractions before. Years back my husband secretly saved up to get my first electric guitar. I jokingly say that I could have slept with that guitar. As soon as I got home, it was guitar time. I'd break to have dinner and chat, then straight back to guitar. Then I tried my hand at writing lyrics, so more focus on guitar time. Or watching musicians and getting buzzed from the music and excitement of having a guitar. Sounds ridiculous lol. Hubs said he loved hearing me play (or trying to play lol), but after a short time, he did encourage me to unplug and come to bed at the same time. It seems my creative streak unfolds the most late at night and I get excited to follow that. I paused with the guitar, for other reasons, and have recently picked it up again. I'm more conscious of not going into that 'loner zone' when he's around me now. As a reformed night-owl, I'm a big advocator of us going to bed at the same time. He shows interest, asking me to play him what I've been practicing or encouraging my progress. I love this, and I think it actually helps break me out of that loner-state that I can fall into if I'm not careful.

Good luck!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

When you 1st started writing this, it sounded alot like ME, my SLR is always with me .....all of our walks - many times I have him carry the tripod. 

You never did say what she is doing with all of these pictures? You mention calling her at certain times & she is off taking pictures, staying up beyond bedtime, still snapping away .....what , stuff in the house, apples & oranges ? 

Does she have some goal in all of this, maybe she can take a Photography class at night at a local Technical school or something - learn some skills to put her new found hobby to use... I think when someone finds a "passion" for something if they are any good at it (??) - it gives them great purpose. 

I like Enchantment's advice about the "blocks of time"... snapping away all she wants (thank God for digital!) - so long as it is not interfering with her regular schedule , getting things done for the family & her time with you, this would be very reasonable. Her not answering the phone & not coming to bed with you ...this is getting a little carried away. 

They claim if you do something consistent for 17 days straight, it becomes a "habit". Work on 17 days of healthy boundaries with her new hobby -if you can get her on board.


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## SimonLLL (Jan 29, 2012)

Beowulf, you lucky man!

She took your advice, holus bolus!! Great!

You helped her tap into something that gave her comfort in an emotionally uncertain time. Enjoy her enjoyment. Don't put a block on it. She will find a natural balance.

It's already been suggested that you get a bit more involved. Offer, but don't insist or be pushy. She might feel that you're trying to take over. She could, though, be delighted that you're showing an interest.

Be patient. Her needs right now are paramount. She's the one feeling hardest hit by the departure of your son. Let her find her equilibrium and she will come 'back' to you.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

I read this with some interest and have struggled with it (even though I am not a woman, my wife is a SAHM and I know that this is a bridge we will need to cross one day). I understand and fully support the idea of your wife’s hobby and supporting it. Yet it seems like there is a certain “rudeness” for lack of a better term, even if it is unintentional. She has essentially turned what was once “couples” time into her time. I am sure that is a difficult thing to handle, even if you understand why it may have occurred. Imagine for a moment that her new hobby was on-line Scrabble. If you went out to dinner once a week to talk, how would you perceive it if she took out her phone and proceeded to play Scrabble instead of talking to you. 

I think it is reasonable to support her in her hobby and yet still ask for her attention during some of your time together. Perhaps arranging some time to escort her on her photography trips, as well as arranging couples time when the camera does not come along. Noting that you miss her and your talks should soften the blow.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I would tell her 'nicely' that while you support her new hobby you feel that she's become yes rude is the right word with it. Ask specifically for camera free times and if she doesn't go along with that then stop trying to compete with it. Let her go on the hikes alone.

If it continues you will have to up it a notch and ask her to choose the hobby or you. 

Look I'm all for people having interests outside the marriage but when it becomes MORE important than your spouse that's when it becomes a dealbreaker for me. Phones, the internet, hobbies, friends, could be anything really but it's not acceptable to me.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Imagine for a moment that her new hobby was on-line Scrabble. If you went out to dinner once a week to talk, how would you perceive it if she took out her phone and proceeded to play Scrabble instead of talking to you.


I actually think this is a great way to frame the discussion - setup an example of a different scenario that has the same type of effect. Then you remove the actual object/hobby causing the problem but can still focus on the problem itself - lack of attention.

You may even want to change the positioning of the offenders in your example to create a "would you like it if I was doing this to you?" scenario that victimizes herself. She may relate to it better that way.

The key here though is making sure you have a very subtle, genuine and loving tone to the discussion. Absolutely no heated temper. Use words that emphasize mutuality and bonding like "us" and "we" and "together", etc...


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Thanks for all the replies. There are some really great suggestions here. She has been at this for a lot longer than 17 days, lol. It seems like the camera and her are joined at the hip. She even takes it to work with her "just in case". She is really good at it. She's taken some terrific pictures. I've always said she had an untapped creative side to her. She doesn't really have any particular agenda with her pictures. Most of them are of our pets or things outside like trees, the sky etc. She has taken some really good pictures and she has posted some on her Facebook page for family and friends to see.

I have tried to get involved with her hobby but there always seems to be no room left for anything else when I do. For one week I gave all my time and attention to her and her photography. By the end of the week I realized we had done nothing else and most of the time I was relegated to holding her pocketbook or escorting her to where she wanted to go to get some good shots. That and she'd ask me my opinion of the pictures she took.

I certainly don't begrudge her finding an outlet. After all I was the one that encouraged it. My complaint mainly is that I feel it is getting out of hand and interfering with everything else. I've tried to suggest that she confine her photography to certain times a day or even certain days but she says that she has to take pictures when they happen. She says she never knows when she'll come across a great opportunity. That's why she always has the camera with her. I understand that to a certain extent but it doesn't leave much time for me/us.

I wouldn't have a problem with it but it has been like this for months now and I don't see it balancing itself out yet. I must admit I'm growing slightly concerned that it will consume her life leaving very little for anything else. I guess I'm just trying to find a delicate way of letting her know that she needs to balance things out more. Unfortunately I'm not sure she is listening right now and I don't want to squash her new interest and send her back into the dark doldrums.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Are you at the point where the next time she asks you to come along, you need to respond that you don't enjoy holding her pocket book? Sometimes, when people get so involved, the subtle nice hints we send just don't get through. Would being a bit more abrupt work with your wife, or would she get defensive?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

hmm it's been like this for months? ....I can understand that she's enjoying her creative side but yes, there definitely needs to be balance coming back. I empathize because you don't want to quash this great new passion she's enjoying, yet she can't live behind the lens. As much as we love taking photos too, it's also not being in the moment, despite capturing it.

The tricky part is, if you do manage to get her to come out without her camera, there's a good chance she will complain if she sees a shot that she "could have" taken. Her mind may still be in photo-mode even without her camera with her. There needs to be balance though, because I could see that would be annoying and yes "rude" even if unintentional, towards you. I see it in myself when I get into that kind of zone, it's unintentional but it can be selfish. I'm more aware of this now but occasionally hubs will nudge me to bring me back. 

Following your recent post, all I could suggest then is to be gently honest. That you love that she has this passion and you love seeing her photos - but that just for the walk, you'd like her to yourself because you enjoy her company so much. How would that go down? Or when you're on the walk together, as stupid as this sounds that you might need to remind her that you're there, she may well need reminding. Pull her in for a kiss, tell her you'll give her something to focus on. Maybe?

Best wishes.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

See I don't know if I do push harder if she will react badly. About 20 years ago we had a rough patch that included infidelity, emotional abuse, etc and since that time we have always worked very hard to communicate and make a concerted effort to respect each other and put the other person first. So I'm a little out of practice when it comes to putting my foot down. Of course if needed I can certainly remember. It's like riding a bike right?

Thing is she really is good. She was comparing her photos to some pictures on a professional photographers website and her pictures were at least as good. She will typically take 50 or more pictures every day but will keep only a few and sometimes even none.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Beo, I know I'm in the minority here but I would not suggest you block her hobby or begrudge her. I would suggest you nurture her new found hobby instead.

If I were you...and you want your wife's admiration and pure joy/love and you'd really like to give her a gift by being a man she will adore...then all you have to do is adore her new love for photography. Loving our love's loves is a beautiful gift that will endear you to her. 

Maybe she will grow out of it. Maybe it will only last for a year and in five more years you can laugh about it. The point is, exploring our passions are so important. Don't begrudge her lack of time, find a way to be included, to be supportive and to indulge her this joy.

You said she was good, which is awesome!

To make her feel like the luckiest woman on Earth you can do things like:

1. Help her build a portfolio (or purchase her a very nice portfolio for her work). 

2. Purchase a different kind of camera for her to experiment and explore her new hobby. I love this camera and it's perfect for someone who dabbles in photography (don't forget the film). UrbanOutfitters.com > Lomography Diana Deluxe Package

3. Find a local gallery and suggest she consider approaching them to show her work. Another idea is looking for photography contests she can join online and win small prizes with.

4. Suggest turning her photos into a crafty business by making cards, etc. Etsy - Your place to buy and sell all things handmade, vintage, and supplies is a great place to then sell them.

5. Read up and learn so that when you go on walks and whatnot you can talk about her hobby with her. Then ask her to make time to talk about you as well. She'll be happy with you and much more likely to want to engage and listen to all you have to say.

6. Check out local classes for photography or even online classes and surprise her by enrolling her in one.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Another great one I have is suggesting she contact a local charity that is having a big event and volunteer her services as a photographer. I work for a non-profit and we are always looking for volunteer amateur photographers that will help us capture the different fundraising events we do (5k runs, Gala's, etc.).


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## ozwang (Aug 11, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> many times I have him carry the tripod.


:rofl: classic!


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## ozwang (Aug 11, 2011)

maybe get you're own hobby, so you're aren't so worried about what she's doing....


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

ozwang said:


> maybe get you're own hobby, so you're aren't so worried about what she's doing....


Well I guess that is an option but when we had our problems I gave up most of my hobbies in favor of concentrating on things we liked to do together. It's similar to what Dr. Harley advocates in his book "His Needs, Her Needs" when he talks about recreational companionship. Of course we didn't have the benefit of Dr. Harley's book. We came up with that ourselves. So for the last twenty years we have both only pursued interests we can share together when we are...well...together. There are some times during the day when our schedules force us to have time alone and that is when we do "me" things. Whenever an individual hobby or interest has encroached on our "us" time the offender is gently reminded that it is not a shared activity so it is ended. This is the first time in the last twenty years that a gentle reminder has not worked. That is why I'm a bit lost on how to handle this situation.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Trenton said:


> Beo, I know I'm in the minority here but I would not suggest you block her hobby or begrudge her. I would suggest you nurture her new found hobby instead.
> 
> If I were you...and you want your wife's admiration and pure joy/love and you'd really like to give her a gift by being a man she will adore...then all you have to do is adore her new love for photography. Loving our love's loves is a beautiful gift that will endear you to her.
> 
> ...


These are all good ideas but aren't I being dishonest if I hide my feelings about her hobby/obsession? I have already tried to get involved but I was relegated to interested bystander by her. I got the feeling she felt I was just in the way. Again, for the last twenty years we have always been able to talk and work things out when a conflict arises. I'm just not sure how to handle this.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> These are all good ideas but aren't I being dishonest if I hide my feelings about her hobby/obsession? I have already tried to get involved but I was relegated to interested bystander by her. I got the feeling she felt I was just in the way. Again, for the last twenty years we have always been able to talk and work things out when a conflict arises. I'm just not sure how to handle this.


Is it possible that she does not want you involved? If I understand you correctly, caring for your children was her job. It is gone, and she needs to fill it with something. This hobby does that. Would your tagging along be an intrusion into "her job" as she now views this hobby. I am not suggesting anything bad, just that we all need some space from our spouse from time to time. While happy that you are supporting the hobby, is it possible that she wants it to be her thing, and not a couple thing?

_Edit _- I will also note that while exploring a passion should be supported, I do not understand how doing so at the expense of the relationship is a good thing.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Is it possible that she does not want you involved? If I understand you correctly, caring for your children was her job. It is gone, and she needs to fill it with something. This hobby does that. Would your tagging along be an intrusion into "her job" as she now views this hobby. I am not suggesting anything bad, just that we all need some space from our spouse from time to time. While happy that you are supporting the hobby, is it possible that she wants it to be her thing, and not a couple thing?
> 
> _Edit _- I will also note that while exploring a passion should be supported, I do not understand how doing so at the expense of the relationship is a good thing.


I think this may indeed be the case and if she was just pursuing her hobby without it completely eliminating our time together I would not see it as an issue. But her photography seems to be all consuming and it hasn't slowed down. Is it better that she is happily taking pictures instead of being depressed about our children growing up and leaving? Yes, for her it is. But honestly I feel like there is a wall between us now that I haven't experienced in twenty years and I'm afraid that it will eventually cause us problems.

I've read that when the kids grow up and move out many women look to "find themselves". Unfortunately a great many of them "find themselves" divorced because they felt they had outgrown their husbands. We have worked very hard over the past two decades to make sure we stayed connected and grew together so this change in her attitude has me scared sh!tless to be honest.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> I think this may indeed be the case and if she was just pursuing her hobby without it completely eliminating our time together I would not see it as an issue. But her photography seems to be all consuming and it hasn't slowed down. Is it better that she is happily taking pictures instead of being depressed about our children growing up and leaving? Yes, for her it is. But honestly I feel like there is a wall between us now that I haven't experienced in twenty years and I'm afraid that it will eventually cause us problems.
> 
> I've read that when the kids grow up and move out many women look to "find themselves". Unfortunately a great many of them "find themselves" divorced because they felt they had outgrown their husbands. We have worked very hard over the past two decades to make sure we stayed connected and grew together so this change in her attitude has me scared sh!tless to be honest.


Ah, I see. Her hobby, or new passion, causes you great insecurity. That insecurity is yours to own and work through.

What kind of a relationship did you have with your wife prior to this child leaving? I think that if you have a weaker-bonded relationship where you were not so connected to each other, or where you were connected more with obligation or through only your children makes you at greater risk of problems when you have an empty-nest.

And, also, if you come off as needy and insecure to your wife, you also are at greater risk of problems.

Confidently communicate to your wife, or simply navigate with actions, that you want to create a new marriage after the empty nest that involves the both of you. If that involves you being more involved in her passion at this point, with the good suggestions that Trenton had, you should consider that - supporting her and confidently making yourself involved in her life and with her feelings could carry you a lot further than making her feel and deal with your insecurities.

I'm sorry, I don't know your story very well, but you mentioned a prior infideltiy some years ago. Was she the one who was unfaithful, or you? What did you two do to learn to cope and move on from that? Was it addressed at that time, or did it get swept under the rug?

Best wishes.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Ah, I see. Her hobby, or new passion, causes you great insecurity. That insecurity is yours to own and work through.
> 
> What kind of a relationship did you have with your wife prior to this child leaving? I think that if you have a weaker-bonded relationship where you were not so connected to each other, or where you were connected more with obligation or through only your children makes you at greater risk of problems when you have an empty-nest.
> 
> ...


Not to get too far off topic, but what responsibilities does a spouse have to the other regarding feeling insecure in the relationship. Is it always on the spouse that is not feeling secure? We can all imagine scenarios where certain behaviors (going out to the club every night without a spouse) will make one feel insecure in the relationship, and with justification. Stepping up to address that issue is very prudent and few would disgree.

In this case, a fairly benign activity is causing some level of insecurity. Certainly the OP needs to work on that from his own perspective. But is it unreasonable to communicate that to his spouse? And what is reasonable for him to expect from his spouse? On a gut level, I think he should expect something, but in all candor, I don't really know what that something is, and I don't know how to balance supporting her passion while not ignoring his own needs in the relationship, or allowing that support to supercede cultivating the relationship. 

As I noted before, I am not there yet, but my wife stays at home with our three children and it will be on the horizon. Thus, I am very interested in how we both might properly navigate this.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Ah, I see. Her hobby, or new passion, causes you great insecurity. That insecurity is yours to own and work through.
> 
> What kind of a relationship did you have with your wife prior to this child leaving? I think that if you have a weaker-bonded relationship where you were not so connected to each other, or where you were connected more with obligation or through only your children makes you at greater risk of problems when you have an empty-nest.
> 
> ...


Long story short, my wife had an affair for several months. At the time she said I was cold and logical and she felt she needed more passion in her life. She tried to end it many times but never could. One night as she was leaving to meet the OM she was watching me play with our young son. She saw me as warm and loving and not anything like the image she had created of me to justify her affair. She ended her affair that night and told me about it when she came home. There was a lot of work that went into our R. At first I shut down emotionally while waiting for her to screw up so we could get divorced. She never did. Then when my emotions boiled to the surface I became so emotionally abusive that one night she just curled into a ball on the floor in a fetal position crying. The work really started then as I knew she was wrong for having the affair but I was wrong in how I handled it.

After that we started to really build a better marriage. We did EVERYTHING together. We planned alone time with just us. We had date nights. As I said we only did activities that we both could participate in and enjoy together. I feel that we really worked on being a couple as well as being parents. As the kids got older we started doing even more together. Up until my second son moved out I feel we were at least as close as we have ever been. During the week we always talk for at least an hour or two about whatever we feel we should discuss. On the weekends we typically spend the days together working on household chores, going to restaurants, shopping, some recreational activities, whatever.

Then my son moves out, she starts to feel depressed and doesn't feel like doing as much. After a while I suggest maybe she is feeling a little empty nest syndrome and we go online together and one of the suggestions is that she take up a hobby. She decided to try photography and found not only did she love it but she's really good at it. I was extremely encouraging and supportive even though I saw she was spending ALL her free time in her new hobby and almost no time for us. I tried to get involved to make it a couples thing but got the feeling that she really didn't want me involved other than to show me the photos later on. I tried to suggest that she needed to spend more time with me and asked her where all the "us" time had gone but she just said that it was like a new toy and the newness would wear off eventually. She also said it was better than being depressed.

That's where we stand now. And yes I am feeling very insecure about where this might be headed. I don't feel I "own" that insecurity as it is her "obsession" with this new hobby that is causing the problem. If something leaves no time for anything else eventually isn't that all you will have when the smoke clears? I'm trying to head off a problem before it becomes too big to handle without squashing her creative outlet.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Angel5112 said:


> I love photography, so I can understand her passion for it. Once you start it is hard to stop and everywhere you go you see opportunities for great pictures.
> 
> I would start out with something small and just ask her if she split the camera time 50/50 on your walks. Say "I love that you are so passionate about photography, but I miss talking to you on our walks and it makes me feel ignored." She might respond better if you approach from a way that isn’t saying; I think you are obsessed with photography. Or maybe you can get your own camera and take pictures with her. Then you two can compare your pictures and if you "suck" at it, she can help you get better!  She could show you how to position the camera, show you all the different features, show you what you are doing wrong, etc. I am sure she could have endless conversations with you about photography. You never know, you might actually like it as much as she does.


I haven't confronted her but have asked her gently when we will have "us" time together. When she is engaged in her hobby it seems as if I don't exist. She doesn't involve me other than to hold her bag or look at the pictures later when she's all done. I've tried to help her and encourage her but I get the feeling she wished I would disappear. had thought about getting my own camera but I get the feeling that she would see it as me competing with her and it would cause resentment.


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## marriedinpei (Jan 15, 2012)

This seems pretty common amoung women that get bitten by the photography bug - my wife is glued to her camera and I'm just greatful that she has an addictive hobby, as I have an addictive hobby too. For the record, I'm not talking about some substance issue, so please folks don't read anything into it.

I think this is very good that she has found a hobby that satisfies her so much. Rejoice. Show interest in the hobby so she will want to have you around. Carry the tripod. Be in charge of recharging the batteries. 

I assume its a digital camera. DSLR, point and shoot or some type of hybrid?

I like my camera too, but after outgrowing camera bags, I finally got one that is massive


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I'm sorry if I write bluntly when I communicate this but I wonder if it feels like she's having an affair with her camera then? She is filling her life with a passion, instead of filling her time with you. The key is balance, which it does seem you want. 

I think following a hobby, having passion and interests is healthy, wonderful and needed. I do think there needs to be a balance though and it shouldn't stand in the way of the relationship. Even if it's just on the walk - I think it's justified that you have uninterrupted "couples time". You do mention these walks have usually been the time that you talk about issues and such between you. Apologies if I have interpreted this incorrectly, but can the walks be fun and passionate instead of serious? Could you perhaps ask her to take your photograph when you're out together? Could you see if she'd set up the camera on self-time mode and pose silly shots together? Maybe act a little young and crazy? And/or without the camera bring passion to her in your company?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Agree with Trenton. Good post


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## Itsacommitment (Jan 30, 2012)

I've read a few of the replies but not all of them, so please excuse me if I repeat someone else's suggestions. 

I think its great that you are trying to be supportive and I certainly understand your concern and frustration. I have a couple thoughts on this. 

Firstly, being into photography myself, when you start trying to learn photographer you quickly realize that if you dont ALWAYS have your camera on you, it seems you always miss the best shots! For this reason, its REALLY easy to start taking your camera everywhere and snapping everything!! I'm not making an excuse for her, just saying that her behavior is easy to do with photography. 

Secondly, depression is an awful, awful thing. You will certainly have MORE issues with her behavior if she goes deeper into depression. So allowing her to be a little obsessive over a pretty harmless hobby, may be the lesser of two evils right now. If she is still working towards finding happiness in her life and understanding that eventually she will need to learn this and return back to balance, then the photography obsession is probably a small temporary problem. 

Now to address your needs. Just because she's having a hard time and you should support her, does NOT mean that your needs should be ignored. You're needs are just as important as hers. So, I suggest revisiting the topic with her and ask for a compromise. Tell her that you understand she is struggling and you want to be fully supportive of her photography. Ask that she spend ONE activity per week with you in which she leaves her camera at home. One hike, or a dinner date or something just between the two of you. Its not much, but it will probably begin to help your frustration and it may be a good way to help her ease back into normalcy. After a few weeks of this, maybe you could suggest TWO activities per week without the camera. This may help her return back to spending a normal amount of time in a hobby and begin to find happiness in other activities. But hopefully will NOT make her feel pressured into being all better right now.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Ok, so yesterday I asked her if she would leave her camera home while we went for a walk. Of course this lead into a discussion about how I really feel. I didn't yell but I didn't hold back either. In the beginning I could tell she was aggravated that I was criticizing her. We both have read "His Needs He Needs" and "Love Busters" together. I found the books and put them on the table in front of her. I pointed out that she was not fulfilling my need for a recreational companion. I also pointed out that she was engaged in an individualistic behavior and was withdrawing love units from my bank. She called that dirty pool but she smiled.

She said she realizes now that she was being selfish because photography was making her feel so good after feeling so bad. She apologized and promised to set aside time for us without the camera. I stressed to her that I really think she has a talent for photography and I don't want to her stop but I was feeling very lonely even when we were together.

Today we went for a walk and she left the camera home. I could tell that she was regretting not having it when she'd see something that she thought would make a great shot but to her credit she didn't complain out loud. I offered to get more involved with her photography if she let me know what she would like for me to do. I also offered some of the suggestions that were made here. She liked some of those ideas and we're going to look into them this weekend.

Thanks to everyone who responded and offered helpful insight and suggestions. I'll let you all know how things progress as time goes on.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

Beowulf, that's awesome man... so glad you guys were able to have an understanding discussion with each other. Best of luck to you.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

I wish you luck and am glad that you have had such a good conversation with your wife. Please do share how this continues.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Not to get too far off topic, but what responsibilities does a spouse have to the other regarding feeling insecure in the relationship. Is it always on the spouse that is not feeling secure? We can all imagine scenarios where certain behaviors (going out to the club every night without a spouse) will make one feel insecure in the relationship, and with justification. Stepping up to address that issue is very prudent and few would disgree.
> 
> In this case, a fairly benign activity is causing some level of insecurity. Certainly the OP needs to work on that from his own perspective. But is it unreasonable to communicate that to his spouse? And what is reasonable for him to expect from his spouse? On a gut level, I think he should expect something, but in all candor, I don't really know what that something is, and I don't know how to balance supporting her passion while not ignoring his own needs in the relationship, or allowing that support to supercede cultivating the relationship.
> 
> As I noted before, I am not there yet, but my wife stays at home with our three children and it will be on the horizon. Thus, I am very interested in how we both might properly navigate this.


Hi TAG ~

I think the best way to navigate this is to be constantly planting and cultivating and nourishing your relationship today. You should be able to discuss this with your wife so that you can begin to prepare for a 'new' marriage after the kids are out of the home - talk about what it could look like, talk about each of your desires, talk about what you each would look forward to, what you each fear - and then set plans in to place making sure that there's 'we' time as well as 'me' time.

I think the more open you are with each other, and having a strong marriage going in the empty nest period, will really help you weather that time of life.

Now, if someone can tell me how to navigate empty nest AND retirement at the same time - that is where my H and I will be when our last leaves home since we had a baby in middle age.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> Ok, so yesterday I asked her if she would leave her camera home while we went for a walk. Of course this lead into a discussion about how I really feel. I didn't yell but I didn't hold back either. In the beginning I could tell she was aggravated that I was criticizing her. We both have read "His Needs He Needs" and "Love Busters" together. I found the books and put them on the table in front of her. I pointed out that she was not fulfilling my need for a recreational companion. I also pointed out that she was engaged in an individualistic behavior and was withdrawing love units from my bank. She called that dirty pool but she smiled.
> 
> She said she realizes now that she was being selfish because photography was making her feel so good after feeling so bad. She apologized and promised to set aside time for us without the camera. I stressed to her that I really think she has a talent for photography and I don't want to her stop but I was feeling very lonely even when we were together.
> 
> ...


:smthumbup:

This is great! I think you really handled that well, Beowulf. Talking about the love banks and the work you did previously through 'His Needs, Her Needs' was very good - a stroke of genius! You framed your request such that it didn't come off as 'me, me, me' but 'we, we, we'. Fantastic!


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

* Maybe you can take off all your clothes and let her photograph you! That way, you'll be involved! How much fun would that be?  *


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

southern wife said:


> * Maybe you can take off all your clothes and let her photograph you! That way, you'll be involved! How much fun would that be?  *


Well it would certainly solve the problem permanently. The camera wouldn't survive the ordeal. :rofl:


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Just wanted to give a quick update:

My wife and I talked a few more times and she really didn't know how much her obsession was affecting me. She said she was afraid that if she let up on the gas even a little she would get depressed again. Since our talk she has spent less time taking pictures and more time with me doing things we both enjoy. She admits its almost a relief to be more balanced. It turns out my anxiety over her hobby and how to approach her without bursting her bubble was mostly in my head.

Btw, I talked to a friend of mine who owns a pub/restaurant not too far away. After looking at some of her pictures he agreed to put a few up in his place. We're in the process of getting some ready for display. My wife has been on cloud 9 all week. It's all good now. :smthumbup:


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Fantastic news!!


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

:smthumbup: Nice to hear that you worked it out. I'm glad it worked out for you but personally I could never do what you've done with your wife with regards to hobbies. 

A few years back my husband and I tried doing everything together, much as you have done with your wife. It didn't work for us. Both of us have always had hobbies and need our own time to do the things that we want to do and we found that we couldn't change that part of ourselves. 

When I tried to do anything without him my husband began to nag me and I wound up resenting him. In the first months of our separation one of my strongest feelings was one of relief because FINALLY I could pursue my own hobbies and activities without getting any grief or guilt from him. 

We are still separated but one of the good things about that is that it allowed us to rethink what we'd done. We both mutually decided that we needed and wanted our own hobbies, friends and activities apart from each other and needed to respect and accept that about one another. 

I like it better this way. If I want to go out with my friends and/or do my own thing I can. Last weekend I went out with friends, went kayaking and attended my class but my husband and I did spend a lot of time together as well. This weekend he has plans to go to a trade show with his friends and a poker game. Next weekend I plan to go skiing. 

I like it better this way and one of the reasons I am not rushing back to live with my husband is because I REALLY do like having my own time on my own terms. 

My daughter is going away to college in the fall and I don't have any problems with that. IMO an empty nest doesn't HAVE to mean that your life is empty. Just as your kids are embarking on a new adventure you can too!


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> :smthumbup: Nice to hear that you worked it out. I'm glad it worked out for you but personally I could never do what you've done with your wife with regards to hobbies.
> 
> A few years back my husband and I tried doing everything together, much as you have done with your wife. It didn't work for us. Both of us have always had hobbies and need our own time to do the things that we want to do and we found that we couldn't change that part of ourselves.
> 
> ...


I'm glad you've found a way to be happy and have your separate hobbies and interests. It's different for my wife and I. Our lives have become so intertwined over the last 20 years since our reconciliation that I'm not sure either of us would be able to separate without tearing big chunks away. I just had to approach her in a serious but loving way so that she would know what I was feeling. Things are still going great now. In fact we went hiking recently and she took her camera. I didn't even have to ask her to restrict herself from shuttering the bug. She wanted to make sure we were focused on each other. She did take some nice shots but we had fun talking most of the time. She got one really good one of a hawk that had landed in a tree nearby. It came out great and I think she should consider making it one of the ones my friend puts up in his restaurant.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I think you handled it well. I don't think your problem is quite the same as mine was. 

For years my husband and I did almost everything separately. We were on the verge of divorce and when we decided to reconcile we threw the pendulum waay to the other side..from one extreme to the other. It just wasn't working for either of us. 

We've gone back and forth since our separation and the pendulum seems to have settled someplace in the middle. I guess everyone has to figure out where their balance lies. 

I know I couldn't deal with a man who wanted to restrict me and my independent hobbies. My husband often points out that I wouldn't WANT him to give up everything to be with me because that means I'd have to do the same and that didn't and wouldn't work. 

So I guess we are in sync in that respect. 

BTW, I find it amusing that my husband seems to have acquired an interest in photography as well. He joined a photography club and takes a lot of pictures and has been pricing used camera equipment. I bought him a camera bag for Christmas. He's always been the "picture taker" in our family. I have no interest at all so it works for me because without him we'd never have any pictures.


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