# how to trust your "recovery" husband again



## Karen De.

I know this may sound like a joke--but my husband was fired from his very good job in December 2010 for failing a marijuana drug test --random on all the employees. He actually failed it last July --was forced to stay out of work and go to rehab for pot outpatient--went back in August. I thought everything was back to normal at work--but his boss stated in this economy he could not "trust" my husband with important clients. He has been out of work in this recession for 2 months--got a good job 3 weeks ago--pays only 1/3 of what he made before--uggh. Our finances are shot--We have been married 26 years --2 good kids in college. His widowed father died 4 years ago -and that when things went downhill. Always hanging out at his older never worked brother's house. I am not stupid around pot--I have seen it many times---but , I have not smoked in 25 years! I never saw any in the house so I feel so stupid why didn't I see the signs. I do work --next year will be my 30 years as a Registered Nurse. We had a big fight yesterday cause I asked him what he does on his lunch breaks ---"why dont you trust me". he is now playing the martyr spouse--when my life has been blown up.--I work really hard and now the savings are all gone, no vacation this year--I am being punished for nothing I did. Atleast he could extra nice to me--no flowers for valentine day--dirty looks as he sits on his couch.--its almost like he is pissed that "I" took his fun away. I anyone could take from their busy lives to respond to my question--I would so appreciate it.


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## swedish

"why dont you trust me"

Well, I can understand how you must feel and my answer to this would be "Well, I did trust you and you smoked pot and got yourself fired....twice....so that leads me to believe you may not have control over this habit & since it's cost 30 years of hard earned savings I'm a little skeptical and worried at this point"

You will be able to start to trust him again when he truly feels he was wrong for smoking pot and putting your family at such a financial risk...if he keeps taking the 'woe is me' route it will be hard because he's not remorseful for the damage caused.


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## lisakifttherapy

You trust your husband when his behavior demonstrates that he is deserving of your trust. It sounds there have been some pretty serious consequences of his addiction - yet he is lacking the humble and apologetic attitide that most people truly in recovery have.

His actions don't demonstrate an understanding of the impact on not only himself - but you and likely others. 

Hopefully he is open to looking at this at some point and possibly getting some counseling around what led him to rely on pot to this degree in the first place.

You have good reason not to trust him now - don't let him turn this around on you.


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## lost2010

I agree, trust will come back when he is ready to acknowledge what he has done and put forth the effort to show you he can be trusted again. If he doesn't act like he wants you to forgive and trust him, it will be very difficult if not impossible to be able to get it back all on your own.


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## Lyn

Trusting again.

He misbehaved, you're the pressure point and he still feels sorry for himself. He needs to stop pampering his bruised ego, be a man, face his troubles and stop punishing you for having "got his number." Does he want to be married or not, and if so, does he want to be married because you are his wife or does he see you as a resource?

It's okay to think about himself, but he needs to think of others, too, especially you.

Lyn


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## InnerGold

lisakifttherapy said:


> You trust your husband when his behavior demonstrates that he is deserving of your trust.


Lisakift is correct. Trust is something that takes a lifetime to build and only 5 seconds to destroy. It is earned not given freely.

Don't allow him to pull you down to his pity party. I personally have no tolerance for pity parties because they don't benefit anyone. 

Stand strong and realize your true potential. Don't allow him to pull you down. Help, if he truly wants it, but don't give into whimpering or pampering it only feeds the problem.

The fact is... You Don't Trust Him because he has lost it and now it has to be regained.

I know I repeated a lot of what has been said but it is true and hopefully repetition helps to reinforce it.


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## Ponyo

So he has had a good job for 3 weeks, correct? Are you still seeing signs of use? Has he used since the failed July test? Just want to clarify before I respond.


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## missconfused

Oh goodness...I totally and completly understand and this is where I stand...big difference I've been married a year and a half and I'm 23 years old...I don't want to look back and regret this.


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