# Emotions - getting the best of me?



## yellowsubmarine (Feb 3, 2012)

After months of silence, my STBXH called me.

Maybe I'm nuts, but... The truth is that I still love him and want for him to come home.

I didn't get any sleep last night, and been hiding throughout the day because I can't help but cry. I don't think this night will be any different.

The conversation was civil, and he asked for some papers that he will need for the divorce. That just breaks me and tears me apart.

I felt I was making progress, and now I am back to square one, back to when I read he wanted a divorce almost 4 months ago. We have not lived together for almost a year and a half.

I was reading a book about happiness and it said that you can't choose what you like. 

I'm a mess. Just venting.

Can't talk to my family, because they think these emotions and thoughts can just be discarded and ignored. They don't want to hear me talk about this anymore. I think the counselor is running out of ideas to help me out.

Can't break away from the vicious circle... Anyone have any comments? Words of wisdom? Advice? 

I just feel like writing an email telling him how I really feel, but over here people talk so much about the 180 and wonder if it is the right or the wrong thing to do. I feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. If I do, I show weakness. If I don't, he won't know how I really feel (honesty). What to do...


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

My IC talks alot about what you're reading, that you can't control what you want. And of course, when you can't have it anymore you want it all the more.

What I would say is that your desire to write and tell him everything is exactly what you say it is, emotions. People talk about 180 so much b/c they've been through it and think rationally. When you're in the position we're in (still wanting the person) you don't see things rationally and objectively. I still want to tell my stbxw she's perfect every time I talk to her and see her. I want to send her letters, buy her gifts, etc aall b/c of emotions. There is no rational reason in the world to desire our exes but we are emotional beings. 

Don't beat yourself up. If he knows you love him, what more can you do? Do something nice for yourself today, you deserve it.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. The journey to a better place isn't an easy one by any means. I'll share a few things my IC told me, along with my own initiatives. I put them into practice and over time they have helped immensely.

*1) Thought drives emotion*
You're more powerful than you think. You can't help how you feel, but you can shift your thoughts. Negative and sad thoughts can be like a magnet at times like these. Shift your thinking and you can shift your emotions. Gets easier with practice. As an example, I said to my IC that I was not out of the woods yet. She suggested I think of it as I'm almost out of the woods. Put a positive spin on anything you can.

*2) The mental list*
Make a list of pros an cons about your relationship. Imagine they're on two separate panels. Now, bring the list of cons to the forefront and the list of pros in the background. When you feel sad, consult the list of cons.

*3) Visualisation*
Imagine yourself happier, in a better mental place, and 5 years from now. What would that look like? What would moving forward as an individual look like? Imagine that... form a mental picture. 

*4) Feed your subconscious*
Items 1-3 serve to feed your subconscious throughout the day and night. The more positive thoughts you have, the easier you will feel overall, in time.

*5) Exercise*
One of the best things you can do is exercise regularly. The benefits are incredible, both physically and emotionally. It allows you to better deal with, sort through and dissipate stress and emotion. It is very important therapy. A friend of mine told me "if you're in your head go into your body". It makes a difference. All you need is to walk 30-40 minutes a day.

*6) Sleep and eat well*
If you're not getting enough sleep, get a prescription for sleeping pills. Eat wisely, healthy and don't skip meals. You need rest and energy to have the strength to deal with the day.

*7) Lean on friends and family. Get IC. Read. Post on TAM.*
You're not alone, and people are happy to help. Sounds like you're already seeing an IC which is great. Vent on TAM and get some advice. It all helps.

After a while I agree, friends and family seems to think we can just move forward so easily. When we can't or when it's difficult it can make us feel very much alone. What I've listed above has helped me cope, move forward and has been very empowering. It happens over time, but if you're part of your own solution and implement what I've shared, you will get to a point where you'll surprise yourself and will actually look forward to a new future. Happens all the time with people on TAM who get to the other side. It can and will happen for you. Simply put, effort and what you do with time equals results.

I hope this helps you as much a it's helped me. I'm nearly five months into my separation and in a much better place. At this point, even when I feel like it's two steps forward and one step back, I remember I am still one step ahead. 

Cheers!


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Can rereading the list put me in a positive place to start the day, thanks friend
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Agreed
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yellowsubmarine (Feb 3, 2012)

Thank you all for the support and kind words. 

I went to the movies, and ended up watching the wrong movie because I didn't read the time right. That is just an example of the things I end up doing because I can't concentrate. But, it was an action flick and the crowds were animated. That sort of me cheered up.

sd212: I think I will treat myself to Starbucks and buy a nice mug.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

I am sorry, Yellow. No, you are not nuts. I felt the same way you did. But, everyone is right...he knows how you feel. There is no reason to write him to tell him how you feel. ---but, I completely understand the urge to do so. I went through the same thing. I understand how you want so much for your spouse to really understand how much you love them, how much you care about them, and how badly you want things to work. I totally get that feeling.

I also understand the frustration with family. I remember my mom telling me "You have to get over this. You just have to get over it". But, you can't. You can't just get over it. ...but, you also have to understand things from their perspective. They see your husband as treating you like poo, and they see that your husband is showing you that he doesn't care about you, and they see that you would be better off moving on and getting over him. They don't want to see you sad anymore. 

But, there does need to come a time when you have had enough heartache. You can actually control how much your heartaches by changing your way of thinking. All those suggestions that Canguy offered are wonderful. 

...and doing nice things for yourself is wonderful too.

I found that doing nice things for other and volunteering my time for charity was very helpful. It got me out of my own head, and it got me to think about other people more. ....and it opened my eyes to all of the blessings that I do have in my life.

Have you read "The Happiness Hypothesis"? You might like it. It is an interesting read.

hang in there. Sometimes it does help to vent to 'strangers' here on the internet too. Especially, because most of us can relate to what you are going through.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I feel exactly what you wrote and definitely have that damned if you do and damned if you don't feelings. 

Just wanted to offer you a (((hug))).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yellowsubmarine (Feb 3, 2012)

jpr said:


> *They see your husband as treating you like poo, and they see that your husband is showing you that he doesn't care about you, and they see that you would be better off moving on and getting over him. They don't want to see you sad anymore. *
> 
> Have you read "The Happiness Hypothesis"? You might like it. It is an interesting read.


Yes, my family wants to see me happy. As a matter of fact, just spoke with the one and only person in my family I can vent to (been in the same situation years ago). I told him the contents of our conversation and he just reminded me of the immature melodrama, lack of honesty, and cheap psychological tricks he is using once again. He also pointed out that again, my husband is in hiding and being a coward. 

Let me explain... maybe this will clear up the situation. He is deployed right now. I am less than an hour and a half away - I've deployed too. Since he has not kept in touch with me, he didn't know I was going to be this close. This caught him by surprise. I am well aware of the living conditions, and still has the nerve to tell me he can't Skype. :rofl: He didn't even give me his phone number, though I asked for it. 

I thought about surprising him at work, but then again, I don't want to bother with it, because he should take the initiative to come see me now that he knows I'm here. He knows he's been caught in yet, another lie. I can drive to where he is, and he can drive to where I am at. He claims he can't. But knows I know better. I cannot even imagine what must possibly be going thru inside his head. Why do people lie to your face knowing that they know better? Are they trying to prove they've lost their beans? :scratchhead:

No mention about trying to meet me or anything to that effect. Conveniently, he is too busy with work. :sleeping:

It's just crazy how you can bounce back and forth with emotions!! And, in the same day, I might add.

Now, let's see how I behave if I ever see him in person again. Because at this point, I don't think I will ever. If I do, I'm afraid I'll come crashing down again. 

I'll remember the two steps forward, one step back, still one step ahead. That one is a keeper. I think I'll write it down and place it in strategic places to remind myself. :smthumbup:

Will look into that book. Just finished reading "The Happiness Project."

Thanks to all again for the support and the tips. I don't think I'll cry myself to sleep like I did the last couple of nights. This is some progress.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

It does get better but it takes time. It's good to cry... the release is both good and important.

Progress is slow, and there are rough times after the grieving process is done. Case in point... I am having to dig deep and take my own advice tonight. I saw another photo of my ex today. To me, she is still the most beautiful woman in the world. I am not over her. Rather, I am in the process of letting go.

Part of me wants to reach out to her so badly, and see if we still have a chance. However, she is the one who left. She has shown no indication of wanting to reconcile. Hell, even if she did, I still know deep down there would be know point.

So, this is just a moment to get through and live through. I'm off for a walk. I'm in my head big time right now, and I need to shake this off.


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## yellowsubmarine (Feb 3, 2012)

canguy66 said:


> *To me, the is still the most beautiful woman in the world.* I am not over her. Rather, I am in the process of letting go.


I always found my husband to be so good looking! But then again, looks aren't everything.

I did end up sending him a message. I expected one of two things: either for him to ignore it, or reiterate what he had stated previously. However, and this doesn't come to me as a surprise either, he provided one of those answers that left me wondering. I doubt he has the ability to be direct. He is always noncommittal. He proved it again. Can't say yes, can't say no. :scratchhead: 

This morning, as I was walking to get some breakfast, I wondered whether or not I would really want to live the rest of my life like this, or if I should just find a man that knows what he wants and does not have a problem taking a stance. Sometimes I feel I deserve better than this... but I thought he would be the "one"...  

Hey, at least there are some upbeat people that I work with. That keeps me distracted for most of the day. Today is going to be a good Monday!


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

That's a great attitude to take! Since I've been working from my school it's made a huge difference. Great too see people every day instead of working from home. Helps the healing process.



> This morning, as I was walking to get some breakfast, I wondered whether or not I would really want to live the rest of my life like this, or if I should just find a man that knows what he wants and does not have a problem taking a stance. Sometimes I feel I deserve better than this... but I thought he would be the "one"...


That a great question we need to ask ourselves. I think it was Dr. Phil who said something like "when people show you how they really are, believe them". In other words, their actions speak louder than words. After a while, the pain of an uncertain relationship becomes a choice.

Like you, I though my ex would be the one. We were married almost seven years. The first two were amazingly good.Then... there were cracks and after a while we grew apart, and that included the amount of effort we were ready to put into the marriage.

Missing her each day still stings. I don't know why she still has this power over me. It's lessened, but still there. Not sure if it's lingering love, hope or my ego. Maybe a mix. 

Have yourself a great day YS


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

canguy66 said:


> That's a great attitude to take! Since I've been working from my school it's made a huge difference. Great too see people every day instead of working from home. Helps the healing process.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I am appreciating the fact more and more that it truly is a battle in our minds. WE are responsible for OUR feelings, moods, etc. Why have we relenquished that power to our spouses? 

I find myself replaying certain events, or re-responding to past conversations. Truth is, we haven't had any hearfelt discussion for quite sometime. Rather, she has seen a change in my attitude, change in physical appearance (lost 30 pounds - caught her looking at me this weekend when I picked up our son - ). 

Then, I anticipate future conversations over a variety of situations. Nothing has yet happened, and I don't know the future, yet, I still persist.

The more I do all of this, the more different my wife becomes. 

Maybe this will last longer for me since we have small children and communicate more frequently.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Congrats about the weight loss! Nice that she noticed, but hey... it's about doing this for you, not her.

I'm still at the -50 mark, but gotten lazy. Have not gone back to emotional eating, but have not been walking. I rebooted last night and went for a walk. Daily thing from now on. I was reminded of how walking was just great therapy after a weekend filled with rough moments. But... as a friend of mine likes to say... turn the page.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

canguy66 said:


> Congrats about the weight loss? Nice that she noticed, but hey... it's about doing this for you, not her.
> 
> I'm still at the -50 mark, but gotten lazy. Have not gone back to emotional eating, but have not been walking. I rebooted last night and went for a walk. Daily thing from now on. I was reminded of how walking was just great therapy after a weekend filled with rough moments. But... as a friend of mine likes to say... turn the page.



You're right about the walking. Just moving gets rid of the emotions after a few minutes. It's so weird how sometimes I will resist exercising because I feel bad, but yet remain feeling bad because I am not actively doing something to distract those negative emotions.

It's so crazy. I'm so much more aware of my environment, my feelings, other people, etc. now more than at any other time in my life!


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Jayb said:


> You're right about the walking. Just moving gets rid of the emotions after a few minutes. It's so weird how sometimes I will resist exercising because I feel bad, but yet remain feeling bad because I am not actively doing something to distract those negative emotions.
> 
> It's so crazy. I'm so much more aware of my environment, my feelings, other people, etc. now more than at any other time in my life!


Same here. It's kind of like a fog's lifted. Feels good.

I am looking forward to getting home to I can put on my running shoes and go for a nice, long walk. Then, I *will *do the Power 90 "sculpt" program. Rebooting today.


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## yellowsubmarine (Feb 3, 2012)

yellowsubmarine said:


> I am well aware of the living conditions, and still has the nerve to tell me he can't Skype. :rofl:


Recently discovered he has another Skype account. Caught in another lie. He was really convincing during the telephone call, because he sobbed when he told me he couldn't Skype. 

This behavior is making me mad. If he just doesn't want to Skype with me, why not just say so! Seriously, this man is killing me. Hot and cold.

So, I guess the point of this post is to let others know that it's possible to cry yourself for two nights in a row, and then get mad.

However, I am learning about what to do with my emotions. That I can control my reactions to them. This was covered in the last session with my counselor.

I'm pretty capable of maintaining composure (emotional intelligence) at work, but... my STBXH sure knows how to push my buttons. 

Starting to think, sadly, that maybe a divorce is for the best. If he is unable to be honest about petty things like this, it makes me question his moral integrity. I had issues trusting him, and he just keeps validating that it's not me.

I sure feel stupid by crying for two nights in a row, when he flat out lied to me again - so convincingly.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

I remember that feeling. After being lied to by my ex-husband for what seemed like the 1000th time, I finally put up a steel wall when I talked to him.

Every time I talked to him and confronted him with a lie he had told, he would try to talk his way out of it. Against my better instincts, I would always choose to believe him or make excuses for him--"how could this person that I love so much lie to me? " I couldn't wrap my brain around that. I would never lie to a stranger like that, let alone someone who I loved. 

But, after a while, I just stopped believing and making excuses for him. Every time I had to talk to him, I remember visualizing a steel wall at the front of forhead..and I kept internally repeating to myself,"Your lies will not penetrate me. Your lies will not make it into my brain.". It sounds really weird and completely strange--but,it helped. When he would try to talk his way out of yet another lie, I would just imagine his words hitting the steel wall in front of my forehead and going "Plink!" and falling off and shattering onto the ground.

Trust your instincts. You KNOW what is the truth. 

It is time to get mad.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

jpr, I'm liking you more all the time. Love the visualization. I do the same and it helps.

Oh yeah... I'll pick you up at 8.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

canguy66 said:


> jpr, I'm liking you more all the time. Love the visualization. I do the same and it helps.
> 
> Oh yeah... I'll pick you up at 8.


Awesome. Looking forward to it.

What should I wear?


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

JPR.....whatever you wear you will look sexy, don't even worry about it


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

jpr said:


> Awesome. Looking forward to it.
> 
> What should I wear?


I think you'd look great in anything.


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## yellowsubmarine (Feb 3, 2012)

So here is an update.

After the telephone conversation, I did send him an email, and basically he rejected me again. I say this because, like a family member said, I am not accepting the obvious rejection. I'm working on it. Apparently, I have wasted all the forward motion I'd gained in the last 4 months. Two steps forward, one step back..

A couple of days later, I had to go down to where my STBXH is deployed at for business purposes. So, I sent him a message saying that I was going to be in the area if he wanted to meet up and have a coffee or lunch. He declined, I asked him to reconsider, he declined again.

Could this be interpreted as stalking on his end? After the second rejection, I dropped the issue.

So, the next day I went about my business near where he is living. That same day, he sends me another message saying how sorry he is that he cannot see me because of the anger I have towards him and that despite all the help he is getting, that he cannot do it.

Interestingly enough, he has one of those jobs that requires a certain level of sensitivity, emotional intelligence, and composure. If he were really that torn apart, he would have been removed from his job.

Then, he apologizes again (I'm sorry), and that "I'm not ready yet." Ready yet for what, I wonder. Talk to me, see me? What could he be waiting for? Will he be ready after we are divorced? I just don't get it!

This may seem petty, but I'm a loss here and so I replied again because I need closure. I basically told him that I will not be contacting him again, that it will be up to him to initiate contact and that if I don't ever hear from him again and just receive the divorce papers in the mail, I will not be surprised. I wished him well on his return trip back to the states.

When I wrote it, in my head I wanted to come across as warm and understanding. But now I'm questioning myself wondering if he is going to take it the wrong way (when I wrote that getting papers in the mail wouldn't come to me as a surprise - maybe it was not the best choice of words), and that I am mad and giving up. That is not the case, but I guess since I already sent the message, it's water under the bridge. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells.

I will have to get through this process, but I don't think I will get over it.

I've been working on changing the way I think because sometimes thoughts enter my head and I just want to cry, but I have to say that for the last couple of days, I've been able to keep calm by switching my thoughts from one topic to another.

Maybe what I write or don't write won't make a difference.

I just wish that if he never did want to talk to me again that he would at least be clear about it. If he doesn't want any communication whatsoever, he could just come out clear and say it. His choice of words always threw me off, and still does.

I've decided this is it. I've done my best. I cannot be anymore explicit.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Stop chasing him! He isn't ready to talk to you and no amount of coercion or guilt trip tactics will change his mind. If anything your sweet attempts to make up are just reminding him how fed up he is with you. And you're only upset because he won't forgive you as soon as and exactly the way you want. Christ sake, you're pitching a fit over this and undoing what you've been told..... and you're better off than most I mean he contacts you!

If you want him back this is all you have to tell him, "I know where both going through a lot. Take all the time you need and we'll talk when you're ready.". Show him you're ready to be a big girl about this and not hassle him at all, you don't need him but you like talking to him. Then when he's ready to talk NO RELATIONSHIP TALK! Which would you rather talk to.... the nagging love me or else wife or the lets go for a drink and see a bad movie we can laugh at fun wife. Divorce has an emotional side as well as paper so your focus should be on attracting him like new instead trying in vain to keep him liking you.


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## yellowsubmarine (Feb 3, 2012)

Yup. I screwed up. I should have kept my thoughts and emotions to myself, or at least slept on it for several days.

I've learned now that no answer or reply is much better than a sincere one. He's proved that he is better at this than me. 

And what seems intuitive, in these cases, is counterproductive.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Yellow....your husband sounds like mine. He wouldn't talk or see me either. His words were/are always confusing to me. As a matter of fact, I got the I'm not ready yet speech too. In fact he said that i wasn't ready yet either and that i had to get my emotions under control. 

I don't believe you are chasing him. If anything you are being the mature one. 

I'm really sorry you are going through this. I suffered like this for so long and i know it hurts.

I will say a prayer for you today that you both are able to open up and communicate better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yellowsubmarine (Feb 3, 2012)

sad:

I just read all your posts and your story. I felt like I was re-reading my own story. My husband has told me the exact same things, including the "healing" part of it.

He is dragging this process. At the beginning, he tried to refinance the mortgage without me knowing. Then he wanted to buy me out. Now, he wants a divorce this summer but sell the house next summer. I say, if we are divorced, then all ties are cut. Not going to be strung along on a stupid mortgage.

I do not understand his motives, because we've had our finances separated for almost half a year now. Financially, all ties are off. He was so cheap that the very last time we had dinner together he asked if I would pay my own, and I said no.

The only possible motive I can think of is that he actually enjoys being caught in this drama.

Like you, I felt that he was the better one of us. I still love him, even though he has been treating me like crap. My counselor, just like yours said, stated this is a form of emotional abuse.

From your story, I see that your husband finally filed. Gosh, I hope mine follows thru. Just like you, deep down inside I don't want to get a divorce, but can't continue living like this either.

From a moral perspective, I find it wrong to date someone because I am still married. It wouldn't be fair to the other person either - at least, that's my opinion. But for now, I'll keep enjoying the free medical benefits while I'm still married.

I don't know what he gains by still being married to me, aside from getting an increase in basic housing allowance (he's military). Technically, the difference in basic housing allowance between the single and the married rate goes to the other spouse if you are separated. I could call him out on it, call his commander, but I honestly don't care. Karma will catch up, right?

I suspect that my husband doesn't have anyone right now. 

The "I'm not readys" are starting to get old. When we were living together, and I would get upset, I would raise my voice. He would always say that I needed to get my emotions in check. He was always calm and collected. He knew exactly what he was doing - provoking me.

What I don't understand is how their brain and thought process is like. There is obviously a pattern here - we just need to crack the code. In the future, I want to know what to look for so that I do not end up with someone made of the same "fibers."

I'm at a loss here, because I've tried, and tried, and tried. Communication is a real problem between us. While I had no problem expressing my feelings, he wouldn't say a word. He would never verbalize his feelings, but I could tell by his body language. When I would ask what was wrong, nothing was the matter. I gave him so many opportunities to speak, to let me know what was bothering him. But, he didn't make use of them.

Thank you for your post. And I'm really sorry for all the ordeal that you've been through. I hope that, in a few to several months/years from now, we will be like..."what were we thinking?" This life is so much better!

My mother would always tell me to not look back. She always used the example of Lot's wife turning into salt.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

If I had a nickel.......
I can't tell you how many times I heard some form or other of the "give my time" line from my cheating ex wife. I was also in a military marriage but I was the good husband who left the Navy for her benefit..... glad that turned out better *sarcastic scoff*. Don't worry I won't burden you with my story.

What they are pretty much saying by "give me time" or "I need time to think about this" is really "I don't want to accept this responsibility or be burdened with guilt right now". Anytime you are dealing with the WS you have to realize they will turn back flips to keep from accepting full responcibility for their decisions and will so they will leave it up to time to "see how they feel".

Once they emotionally check out, as your H did, the WS will usually draw up plans that only benefit them and drag things out as long as possible until they feel strong enough to leave. What I see here is a typical breakup strategy of pushing you far away enough to prepare himeslf for the emotional trauma of divorce but keeping you at bay with the "give me time" tactic so he doesn't have to deal with the sudden fear of loss. And the housing issue is just so he can sort of string you along should he decide divorce isn't working out for him later on.

One thing I would like to point out is how much money he is getting by being married to you and seperated. You're looking at about one to two grand in play money once you get up there past e5 and have been in for a decade or so. If he's living in the barracks and eating mostly at work with small payments to the mortgage with kids you're caring for, he should be living closely check to check but something tells me he's intentionaly short changing you and pocketing money, and when he sells the house I'm sure he will take the biggest cut from the money he gets. If you don't call him out on this and raise hell then you're simply enabling him to walk all over you. You've got to be selfish with your money and get an attorney who is willing to fight hard for what's yours..... half of that house is yours btw.

You speak of him being emotionally cut off and devoid of feelings. Need I remind you the military encourages men to be hard @$$ed and stone faced all the time. If you are caught in a moment of weakness you are shunned for weeks or months as less than a man and this mentality does not stop when he comes home. I remember being like this and either snapping over the littelest of things or stonewalling myself because the feeling I was repressing was too great to share..... remember men do not want women, even spouses, to see them as weak or less than manly men. 

If anyone is closest to cracking the code it's got to be me, but it would be more like an dynamic tree chart beginning with the emotional distance and progressing through each stage of the break up. One thing I see very clearly is how the sudden seperation either emotional or physical creates a self conscious need in the semi-codependent BS. Simply put, they leave you and take advantage of your emotional weakness for as long as possible losing respect for you one day at a time and stringing you along to keep you as a back up. Do not let your loved one stab you in te back repeatedly!

I want you to show him you're not going to let him call the shots anymore and file for divorce through the military legal department. Serve him immdiately through their department and have them give his chain of command the papers. I'm guessing you're waiting for a year to pass so you can file, in that case wait outside the court like you're standing in line for concert tickets and file before he gets the chance to. You'll retain more control of this situation and be able to file under and reasons you see fit like irreconcilable differences or mental abuse. Immediately like this weekend start working on selling the house on your own without him. For now just work on displacing all that anger you have for him into painting walls and getting everything presentable to buyers (leaks, cracks, cold drafts, interrior decorating, choice of paint colors) and sell anything you don't need for when you downsive to an apartment. 

You don't have to date if you don't want to.... God knows I wasn't ready and still can't after my divorce, but at the very least download a few dating book online and set a goal for yourself. First thing first we've got to work on healing the codependency and self consciousness the BS has by learing to hate the WS for how selfish and unreasonable they are behaving and realizing you deserve better than crumbs of affection and emotional abuse at this time. After that it's all a matter of building up your confidence and not needing anyone to validate your sense of self worth in a relationship ever again, which is hard because relationships encourage dependence on each other (especially in the "honeymoon phase when you absorb each others identity and find it hard to seperate). I have a theory that you can keep from becoming this way if you don't neglect your hobbies you had when you were single ( with the exception of the affair prone activities like clubs, bars, and too many girls nights out). But your situation is going to take some time to heal from with what I suspect is a "bait and switch" marriage...... yeah, I had that!. He was perfect until he found being nice and emotionally vulnerable too much of a hassle and when establishing boundaries those were some of the first things to go. 

I'll stop babbeling on now, I could write books on just what I found so far. But I do mean it, you have to strengthen up and not let him call any more shots.


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## yellowsubmarine (Feb 3, 2012)

Nsweet said:


> If I had a nickel.......
> I can't tell you how many times I heard some form or other of the "give my time" line from my cheating ex wife.
> 
> *What they are pretty much saying by "give me time" or "I need time to think about this" is really "I don't want to accept this responsibility or be burdened with guilt right now".* Anytime you are dealing with the WS you have to realize they will turn back flips to keep from accepting full responcibility for their decisions and will so they will leave it up to time to "see how they feel".


My story just keeps getting better and better... At the beginning of the year, he stated he would file after his deployment. He's back home. What now? Did he file? No, he needs to sort out his feelings. Sounds familiar?

A seasoned officer asked me exactly what does he get out of still staying married. Aside from the difference of with dependents to without dependents in BAH, not much. All I get is free medical care. Question is... if I meet someone along the way.. what then? Not that I am looking, but after all I have a pulse and am alive. 

Nonetheless, while there might still be some hope, I'm bracing for the worst. 

I had a gut feeling that when he got back home, to an empty house, he would have a change of heart. That's what I get for knowing him well (or _thinking _that I know him).

Maybe I should have filed for divorce... I think it's the principle of it. I'm too proud to do it myself, because he's the one that wants the divorce... I feel he should be the one following thru.

I think I should just establish a deadline for myself, so that when the date comes, I'll be the one filing. Question is... how long should I wait? 

Pride and stubbornness are clouding my judgement.


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