# I must be getting cynical



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I see the posts on Considering Divorce and Separation and Going thru Divorce and Separation about can this be saved and all I can think is "Hell no! Why are you even asking"


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I made the OP after a few drinks. I completely empathize with anyone who asks that question, having been there myself. But as I said, often times the answer is no, it can't be fixed. My situation was pretty straight forward, with no abuse, cheating or drugs involved. When you overlay any or all of those issues over an already broken or strained relationship, you just have to wonder.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I think I'm the opposite (unless there's cheating or abuse involved). I think, "yes, try to make it work!! Divorce is traumatic!"


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Divorce can be traumatic, especially for the person being left if they didn't see it coming. It is difficult, but even without cheating or abuse, a marriage gone bad (or never good) can be worse. Some things can be fixed with communication and sincere effort, and should be in those cases. Otherwise, I think moving on is often better.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I never said divorce isn't traumatic and I would always advise trying to work it out first, but some of the issues people bring up, I just don't see how you can save a marriage when there is abuse, cheating and drug abuse taking place. Like I said, my situation was pretty straight forward, but even there I wonder what could have been done to prevent what happened from happening. She decided to leave, I don't think doing a 180 or placing a VAR in her car or exposing her cowardice to the world would have done anything to change things.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

What's so crazy to me is how so many people have all these nutso problems going on, and stay married and don't cheat; whereas many others have no real problems and suddenly have affairs and can't wait to divorce. It's a strange world.

Yes, it seems like 95% of cases on here--- yeah, just divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

You know what I think? I think sometimes, why did you marry that loser? I suppose we were all young and stupid when we got married. You get lucky and grow together. But you can't MAKE your partner grow up too.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> You know what I think? I think sometimes, *why did you marry that loser?* I suppose we were all young and stupid when we got married. You get lucky and grow together. But you can't MAKE your partner grow up too.


Or just, Why did you marry someone you were not naturally compatible with?

But probably they did not realize what else was out there that could be so much better.


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## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

Sometimes people just change, too. I would happily remarry my husband the way he used to be. The control freak he's turned into lately wouldn't have gotten past the third date if that. And I don't think it was bait and switch either because it took 15 years of marriage for him to become this way.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If he "became that way" after being married to you for 15 years, what causes it? Could it be you? Just asking, no accusations.....
Just sounds odd. I was controlling a little, I think, early on. But haven't been in years. Strange to get worse on that without a reason.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

CMD1978 said:


> Sometimes people just change, too. I would happily remarry my husband the way he used to be. The control freak he's turned into lately wouldn't have gotten past the third date if that. And I don't think it was bait and switch either because it took 15 years of marriage for him to become this way.


Did he change or did you? Maybe at one time you did not see it, overlooked it or just tolerated it but not anymore.

Maybe you both changed.


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## memorylanee12ln (Dec 26, 2015)

In my case, i know we changed. He is now saying that after my change of life, i changed. He was right. Because my libido really went down to zero. Being intimate was a struggle for me. But shouldn'tthis be the time for him to prove his love & understanding? Or did i expect too much? Maybe there is no such thing as love? He told me long time ago, that guys marry for sex and girls marry for comfort. Well, he was not rich when i married him. But we sure had good sex together at the time. I'm 62 now. He's 66. Married for 30 yrs. Together for 28. His sex drive still roaring. Mine is still zero. He found a 24 year old woman. And the cheating began. 
This marriage cannot be saved.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Wow. 24 huh? He sounds a little shallow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> Wow. 24 huh? He sounds a little shallow.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah I would agree swapping out a 62yo for a 24yo screams of a lot more than just sexual dissatisfaction on his part, sounds like he is just a shallow A-hole looking for validation. She is better off w/o him.


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## Springtree (Sep 20, 2015)

I thought I was marrying a man with a good job and good public skills who would travel the world with me. He thought my eccentric social life and love of spontaneity was a reaction to having newly left my controlling parents and not the real me. Neither of us actively deceived the other but we were both wrong. Just too young to know better. I was 17 and he was 20. Neither of us have changed. 

We've basically wasted years of our lives keeping up appearances and toeing the conventional line so that we and our parents could maintain social reputations. He's now 50 and I'm 47 and we are finally undertaking the most amicable divorce in existence without dependants to complicate matters. I'm glad there's no conflict but we should have done this years ago when we had more options for starting again. I had tried before but met with resistance. 

Maybe in some cases it's worth fighting for the marriage, but for us there came a point when it was just a waste of time. Then we stopped fighting to save it but had also lost any sense of urgency to resurrect our own lives. No marital cheating but also no longer following dreams. We separated in 2001 and should have divorced at the latest a year later. I've come to think that marriage is just an obsolete institution in its current form. I guess that's cynical too . There's too much virtue attributed to sticking out an untenable position. Without all that stigma we could have taken a look at the reality and worked out what was genuinely still between us. 

We are more confident in ourselves and much wiser now, thank goodness.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> Wow. 24 huh? He sounds a little shallow.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And off his rocker as well. How long before he is cheated on and dumped?>


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

memorylanee12ln said:


> In my case, i know we changed. He is now saying that after my change of life, i changed. He was right. Because my libido really went down to zero. Being intimate was a struggle for me. But shouldn'tthis be the time for him to prove his love & understanding? Or did i expect too much? Maybe there is no such thing as love? He told me long time ago, that guys marry for sex and girls marry for comfort. Well, he was not rich when i married him. But we sure had good sex together at the time. I'm 62 now. He's 66. Married for 30 yrs. Together for 28. His sex drive still roaring. Mine is still zero. He found a 24 year old woman. And the cheating began.
> This marriage cannot be saved.


For an opposing point of view, take a look at the hoops @SimplyAmorous made her husband jump through while she was locked in perimenopause and it changed her, fundamentally making her insatiable and demanding he work on himself. Which one changed? Which one complied with the demands?

What was perimenoupause like for you? How much did your husband understand about it and the subsequent changes that usually, but not always occur which are low or no drive? 

Maybe it was a freakin' total shock to go from an insatiable demanding wife that he got used to and loved, to a woman with no desire and even some repulsion at his advances? 

A hot or even semi hot willing 24 year old who wanted to screw his brains out would repair his self esteem, but not be a serious attempt at finding another partner, since, let's face it, that's ridiculous. 

Yes, I'm usually on the side of the BS. I am a BS myself and very harmed by my experiences. However, sometimes I call 'em like I see 'em. (reference to a baseball umpire calling balls, strikes and outs)

My apologies for the 2x4.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Bibi1031 said:


> And off his rocker as well. How long before he is cheated on and dumped?>


Depends. She can possibly get his retirement and his social security when he passes. So...if she can get what she needs behind his back and he doesn't find out or doesn't care, not sure it matters? 

She can look for the man she really wants while taking care of him until he dies. Her social status will climb. Her income will increase. She will have a different social circle, possibly. 

If he is getting what he wants and that's just sex and care, maybe.....who knows what lurks in the hearts of men and women? The Shadow knows. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Shadow


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

2ntnuf said:


> If he is getting what he wants and that's just sex and care, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Shadow


care? Oh sure, that comes with the rainbows and unicorns package. :wink2:


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Bibi1031 said:


> care? Oh sure, that comes with the rainbows and unicorns package. :wink2:


:laugh: stop that. 


No, seriously, I don't mean care as in the emotion. I mean, she may want that social security and retirement enough and be good enough to pull off calling for doctor's appointments, making dinner, and doing a bit of housework. 

So, it's a reach, but I've known women who have made it known to me that they know women like this, and some men don't care. That's all they want anyway.


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## memorylanee12ln (Dec 26, 2015)

Thank you all for the kind posts. He had me convinced now, that it was all my fault. That, had he gotten what he needs from me, then, he wouldn't have had to cohabitate with this young girl. I am afraid to file for divorce as he was strong at telling me i wouldn't get any spousal support or alimony from him. We did not have children together. 
Thank you all for taking the time for me. I very much appreciate each and every one of your comments . Thank you.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You're not getting cynical. TAM is only representative of the types that seek out advice in forums. Seeking advice is already an indication that all is not necessarily well. 

I like to know that spouses try their utmost to improve a marriage or tackle a particular issue, but it takes two to bring about real change. When all possibilities have been exhausted by one spouse and the other is just bumming a ride, then my attitude is pretty certain: move on.

I don't like to use others' misfortunes to boost my opinion of my own marriage, because I had moments in my last marriage where I seriously thought I needed to be checked into the loony bin. Now it's all that much easier for me to spot unhealthy relationships. I try not to forget that I was IN one for a time, and during that time it was near impossible to see objectively.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

CMD1978 said:


> Sometimes people just change, too. I would happily remarry my husband the way he used to be. The control freak he's turned into lately wouldn't have gotten past the third date if that. And I don't think it was bait and switch either because it took 15 years of marriage for him to become this way.


This. The husband I married was head-over-heels in love with me and would never have cheated. 3 years later and it was like I was married to someone I didn't recognize. Someone who said "yes, dear" a lot. And hated me. And slept with other women.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I think if there was love there to start with that it can be rekindled BUT I don't think most couples possess the willingness and skills to try. Relationships take effort to keek things good. Most couples won't discuss the hard stuff and they won't keep doing the things they need to for the relationship to be a success.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Ynot said:


> I made the OP after a few drinks. I completely empathize with anyone who asks that question, having been there myself. But as I said, often times the answer is no, it can't be fixed. My situation was pretty straight forward, with no abuse, cheating or drugs involved. When you overlay any or all of those issues over an already broken or strained relationship, you just have to wonder.


I probably AM cynical after 3 divorces! lol! But I feel like by the time people get to the point of seeking out and posting to a forum about their situation, most times they are either already done or have been fighting a battle that will never be won. I see so many people post on TAM that just hang on and on and on to a hopeless situation, and I know from personal experience (obviously!) that people don't change unless they want to. One person fighting for a relationship cannot possible succeed.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Yeah I can understand that point of view. I am telling you that the absolute most used reponse when people found out my ex had left me and we were getting divorced was "surprised". Everyone thought we had a great marriage (except for her I guess). Now I have to bit my tongue as my children gleefully plan their own weddings. I can't help but wonder how things are going to play out 10, 15, 20 years from now after the honeymoon is over and real life begins to take its toll. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for my children and I truly hope it all works out for them, but still...


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