# Is it worth it?



## lostinca (Jul 25, 2014)

Sorry this is long, 11 years of marriage is hard to be concise with. I am often lost in my mind wondering about my marriage, and whether it is worth the frustration and unhappiness for the sake of my son. I am no saint and have made plenty of past mistakes and one transgression. We have been married just under 11 years, I am 36 and she is turning 47. We have three kids, two oldest are my stepchildren (18, 16), youngest (10) is ours together. Early in our marriage I had a bad habit of lying about very insignificant things, I would lie to avoid possible conflict. This unfortunately led her to have obvious trust issues with me. She already had trust issues as a result of her first marriage and I felt like she was always just looking and snooping to catch me cheating. I never gave her any reason to believe I would stray, other than my stupid lies about things that were really not that important. I never commented on other women, or overtly checked out women, I never even had any friendships with females because I knew it would trigger her jealousy. This did not matter as she would constantly take issue with the fact that I was working alongside females, completely out of my control. 

She does have a drinking problem where she drinks a bottle or more of wine every night and often on weekends will drink quite heavily. Her sex drive has really been down for probably the better part of the marriage. I know she still finds me attractive physically and I take very good care of myself where fitness is concerned. She on the other hand rarely does any activity outside of taking walks. She is a heavy smoker which has gotten a lot harder to deal with considering I quit in January of this year to ensure I’m here to enjoy grandkids some day. She has put on a considerable amount of weight, which I honestly have no issue with, other than she is constantly complaining about her back and I have tried to suggest that she needs to exercise to strengthen her core and relieve her back pain. My educational background is strength and fitness training and I did try and take her to the gym, but let’s just say that was an absolute nightmare.

I have moved out a total of three times during our marriage, really only because I felt I could not handle it anymore and needed a break from her. She has actually gotten physical two times where she was actually hitting me closed fist. The first time I put my head down to protect my face, waited for her to finish and then left the house. The second time she did it I actually called the police and they came by and took a report but did not arrest her. I did not want her arrested, but I did want to make my point that I was not going to put up with it, I also did it to protect myself from reacting in anger somewhere down the road. She has not done anything like that since that night. After that incident our marriage was probably at its lowest point. So much that I was sleeping in a separate room. A couple of months before this an old “girl” friend from home sent me a message on Facebook. I ignored the message and probably about 4-5 months later she sent me another message stating something along the lines of “I don’t know if you’re mad at me, but I hope your life is going really well”. Well this time I responded and eventually we talked on the phone and she revealed she had feelings for me. I scoffed at first but then took the temptation and we begun an emotional affair. This was a girl that I had crushed on from the time I was 18 until I left for military service at 21. She never reciprocated any feelings beyond friendship, even when I tried to get her to leave with me when she was going through a rough patch. We lost touch once I met my wife, so when she told me she had feelings for me I was stupid and took it and ran. This eventually led to me moving out and getting my own place and she flew out to visit me for a week and it turned into a physical affair. Eventually I realized she had many of the same problems my wife does and I broke it off realizing I was trading one crappy situation for another. 

My wife and I ended up reconnecting and working on our marriage and about six months after I had moved out, I moved back into our home. My wife found out about the affair later, was obviously pissed and upset and I felt terrible for violating our vows and destroying all of my credibilty and giving her validation for always being suspicious. I went to counseling and discovered I had problems living with guilt. I have really tried to make my marriage work although I know there are things that I could be doing better. I just don’t know how to be motivated to do things with a wife that seems to never appreciate you, undermines you in parenting, never actually forgives and constantly brings up the past in present arguments. We have gone through stretches as long as six months without sex, and the last time we had great sex where we connected on an intimate level two nights in a row I thought we were maybe turning the corner. I started looking into a just the two of us romantic vacation, meanwhile she went the opposite direction and looked up my internet history to find I had looked at porn back in May during a long stretch of no sex. She got upset and has since gone completely cold again, I explained to her that I needed an outlet as my physical needs were not being met, but it did not matter. So here we are back to all kinds of anger and resentment. There is so much more to explain, but I feel like this is already too long.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When was your affair? 

How long have you been back together?

From what you have written it sounds like you do not like your wife much less love her. Maybe your best bet is to just file for divorce. 

She's no happy. You are not happy.


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## lostinca (Jul 25, 2014)

The affair happened in 2011, emotional started around the end of May or beginning of June, moved out in July, went physical the first week of September, broke it off at the end of September, started reconciliation mid October. Moved back home end of December. She found out around September of 2012.

That is just it, I love her, but often do not like her. She is the mother of our son and I will always love her for that. I love when she acts as a loving wife to me. She can trigger me so easily with the way she talks to me and acts towards me. I get upset when I come home for lunch from work and find her still in bed watching TV. Yet she gets upset when I want to relax on a Sunday which is my only day off. Things like this are what make me harbor resentment, yet I do not dare mention these things because it will trigger her defensiveness and start WWIII. 

She won tickets in a luxury suite for the local baseball team, so I booked a nice hotel for the night just the two of us. The night before she went over to a friends house and stayed out until 2 AM drinking. She was mad that I did not want to go. I explained that I still had to work in the morning and we were going out the next night. So that whole time at the game she complained about feeling fat and not good and our date night resulted in us basically paying way too much to sleep in a strange bed, wake up and go home. Yet, she couldn't figure out why I was upset on the way home. I told her and out came the defensiveness.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

lostinca said:


> The affair happened in 2011, emotional started around the end of May or beginning of June, moved out in July, went physical the first week of September, broke it off at the end of September, started reconciliation mid October. Moved back home end of December. She found out around September of 2012.
> 
> That is just it, I love her, but often do not like her. She is the mother of our son and I will always love her for that. I love when she acts as a loving wife to me. She can trigger me so easily with the way she talks to me and acts towards me. I get upset when I come home for lunch from work and find her still in bed watching TV. Yet she gets upset when I want to relax on a Sunday which is my only day off. Things like this are what make me harbor resentment, yet I do not dare mention these things because it will trigger her defensiveness and start WWIII.
> 
> She won tickets in a luxury suite for the local baseball team, so I booked a nice hotel for the night just the two of us. The night before she went over to a friends house and stayed out until 2 AM drinking. She was mad that I did not want to go. I explained that I still had to work in the morning and we were going out the next night. So that whole time at the game she complained about feeling fat and not good and our date night resulted in us basically paying way too much to sleep in a strange bed, wake up and go home. Yet, she couldn't figure out why I was upset on the way home. I told her and out came the defensiveness.


So, your youngest child is 10 years old, and she stays home, not working? :scratchhead: She really needs to get outside the home. Her drinking is an issue, do you discuss it with her? Moving forward in any way is going to be difficult as long as she has a drinking problem. It sounds like she has a lot of unresolved issues and resentment, and that the two of you never fully worked through the separation and affair. 

I would suggest you approach her and let her know that the drinking needs to stop..she needs to get a job...and the two of you get into marriage counseling. These need to happen or you are divorcing her. And you need to mean it and follow through on all counts. This puts the ball in her court, and if she refuses all the above, then you have your fast answer.


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## lostinca (Jul 25, 2014)

*Re: Re: Is it worth it?*



3Xnocharm said:


> So, your youngest child is 10 years old, and she stays home, not working? :scratchhead: She really needs to get outside the home. Her drinking is an issue, do you discuss it with her? Moving forward in any way is going to be difficult as long as she has a drinking problem. It sounds like she has a lot of unresolved issues and resentment, and that the two of you never fully worked through the separation and affair.
> 
> I would suggest you approach her and let her know that the drinking needs to stop..she needs to get a job...and the two of you get into marriage counseling. These need to happen or you are divorcing her. And you need to mean it and follow through on all counts. This puts the ball in her court, and if she refuses all the above, then you have your fast answer.


She has a great career, but she works one day a week and two days a week alternating week's. She has a lot of off time and complains that I don't always want to go out and do things. I am a complete introvert, and she is an extrovert. I totally agree that she needs to get out and do something. I still remain active playing sports with my buddies, but if she does anything it typically involves drinking. I just struggle with bringing up anything that she needs to change because she immediately deflects and points out all my faults.


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## lostinca (Jul 25, 2014)

So my wife and youngest came back from visitng her mom early last night. She acted like everything was fine until later when I went to bed. She then came into the room wanting to talk about us and I kept trying to tell her I don't want to talk right now. I told her there was definitely a discussion we needed to have, but I wanted to wait until after this weekend because we were going on a quick vacation with her brother and his son and I did not want to ruin it. She kept pushing to get me to talk like she always does when she has been drinking and told me that she doesn't love me or feel attracted to me anymore. Her biggest issue at the moment was the porn from our long stretch of no sex. 

Well I finally caved and decided to talk rather than deal with her getting more upset. She has been saying that we were stuck for the next two years because of current job assignment and at the end of these two years she would decide whether she wants to stay in the marriage or not. I told her than rather waiting for the two years we should separate now, but it will have to be an in house separation. I laid out separating the finances, and household duties. I also told her I would be giving her a percentage of my pay and that she can keep her own income. This might end up biting me in the end if she decides to all of sudden work full time she will make considerably more than me. At this point I am just looking for some peace and taking back control of my own life. We both agreed that we would put this into writing, and she seemed totally happy with the decision.

Fast forward to today. I come home at lunch make myself some food and watch some tv. She is upstairs still in bed watching tv, which is typical at this point. She is in the kitchen when I get ready to leave back to work and she tells me that last nights conversation bums her out. As I am walking out the door she asks me to come back and then gives me a hug and kiss. 

I feel like our marriage is a yoyo. She acts like she hates me until I finally make a decision, and then all of a sudden she desires to touch me. I literally feel like I am going crazy!


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## lostinca (Jul 25, 2014)

Ok, so I am back. My wife and I have continued going through the motions. Nothing has changed, except for the fact that I have begun to focus on my personal growth and fitness. I feel like my resent is growing bigger and bigger. I have the opportunity to take out money against my retirement, which will ultimately hurt my retirement pay which is only 5-7 years away. This money however would give my wife and I about $11,500 each, which would enable us to divorce and her to establish a new home. I don't have to decide right now, but I am really giving strong consideration in doing this. I know in my heart there is no future for us, and holding on for the next 7 years until my youngest graduates high school seems impossible. 

We are so fundamentally different from each other that I find myself having to bite my tongue too often. So here I am considering having the talk, but waiting until after the holidays so that nothing gets in the way of making sure my kids have a great holiday. Needed to vent a little!


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