# My long story... but in need of advice =/



## ML83 (Jan 25, 2012)

Hi guys, I stumbled across this forum last night when Googling around and decided to post my story and maybe get some advice.

My wife and I fell in love and got married kind of young and she moved into my house, she was 27 and I was 25 (2008). Before we got married things were amazing between us, but then that first year and a half of marriage turned into an uphill battle. First, she took some weird birth-control injection that she had never taken and it turned her off to having sex. We maybe had sex 2 times on our honeymoon, and for the next year and a half, had sex like 8 more times total. Because of that, I became a bad husband, I wasn't into making her happy because we weren't being intimate with each other and we would fight a lot. 

Finally, in December 2009 she called it quits. She said we should get separated/divorced and so we did. She moved out and got an apartment where she lived for 4-5 months. During this separation I got divorce papers in February saying it would be finalized after 60 days, so I took it as divorce and slept with 3 girls and dated 2 other ones. Well, 60 days passed and I never got a summon to go sign papers or whatever your supposed to do and found my wife's attorney never filed the papers. See, my wife works at the courthouse and her attorney friend was taking care of it. My wife decided she wanted to work things out and told her friend not to file the papers. 

Our job situation isn't really a normal one either so I thought I should mention it real quick. I finished college during our separation, but haven't found a job yet. It's been ok though because I've been getting a settlement check since I was 18 every month for the rest of my life that I've been using to pay my bills and go out.. or for whatever. That check though, is about 3 times what my wife gets paid being a clerk at the courthouse every month. So she goes to work and I've been staying home looking for a computer job (which are scarce in our area). We used to argue about that all the time also (how she works and I don't), but my friend re-assured me that it isn't my fault and nothing to feel bad about because I pay all the bills and take good care of my wife. I make sure we have groceries to eat and 98% of the time pay when we go out to dinner, so it's nothing she should be upset about.

So back to my story... I get a text from my wife saying she wanted to work things out and after some thinking I decided, OK. We can give it another shot. We "dated" I guess, and talked a lot before about everything but I never told her about the girls I was with because why would I? It was during separation and I didn't want to know what she did either (which I had assumed was nothing and felt bad about being with other girls... because I thought we were getting a divorce) Anyway, she moved back in my house (April/May? 2010) and things were great between us. So much better then before. More dates, more sex... everything. We had (what I thought then) was a cool relationship because we would go out a lot together, or when her friends/cousins invited her out I would let her go and the same with me when my friends invited me out. Nothing crazy, drinks.. dinner... stuff like that. We trusted each other 100% to go out with friends without each other.

So lets fast forward to October of last year. The sex slowed down and I figured it was because my wife had gained some weight and was embarrassed of her body. I would tell her I thought she was beautiful and not to worry about it. But... the thought and the feeling entered my mind. Had she been cheating on me or talking to another guy? That feeling inside my heart was too much, so me being a computer person went into her iPhone's backup and I read her text messages, even the deleted ones. 

Now, I know this was hugely wrong on my part. I should have never snooped, but honestly I couldn't handle it anymore. I had to do this. What I found shook me to the core. I saw she was texting her ex Rick a little before our separation and was seeing him during our separation (which I didn't care about because it was during separation) Then, more texts from another guy named Chris that she worked with, and this guy looked like her work flirt, it didn't look like anything happened between them. He had been texting her up until the date that I checked her phone. I told my friend what I had done and he said not to bring it up with her, that it was just a work flirt thing and as long as nothing happened it was just going to blow up in my face if I brought it up. 

Holding in this new information I had found out for the next 3 months was the hardest thing I had ever done. I couldn't sleep, drank more, I was weird around her sometimes... but I thought it was my fault for snooping and so that's what I get. I tried to handle it internally but it wasn't going so well. So then, in January (last month) I was lying in bed with her and asked her straight out, "Are you cheating on me?" she was like "omg no... why would you think that?" I told her I just got a feeling, and I asked her when the last time was that she talked to her ex. She said "before we got married, he tried to contact me but I blew him off" (a lie) I was like "ok, if that's what you say I believe you".

The next day, that lie really bothered me... enough to the point where I checked her iPhone's backup again. This time, it had more recent text messages, and I found some from Chris (her attorney co-worker) and he tells her "I wish I could see you" and she replies "I wish I could kiss you" and he says "really?" and she says "Yah, really" ... "when?"... "right now"

I was destroyed inside.

At this point, I couldn't hold it in anymore and had to talk to her. I called her at work and said "I need to talk to you when you get home" she freaked out and came home early. She said "What's wrong?" I replied "I found this..." and showed her the conversation between her and Chris. She was mad that I snooped at first, then I was like "wtf are you doing talking to him like that? you're married..." and she was like "ok look honestly.. I slept with him once during our separation and we just joke around about it. That's just how we text" I said "bull... you don't say things like that as a joke, especially someone you had sex with before". A day went by without us talking (and her apologizing to me all day for texting stuff like that), but I was furious. Finally the next day we talked, I was on the bed with her, and she broke down crying and said she slept with him this past December. Words cannot describe how I felt... She was crying crazy now, saying she went out with her friends, got drunk, and stopped at his house on the way home. She said she had no idea why she did it, and she knows she "f***ed up bad" and that she felt horrible about the whole thing. I broke down crying and said I needed to leave. I went to my local bar and drank... then went back home. 

Which brings us to now, about a month later. I'm 28, she's 30, we have no kids or house together so the logical part of me was saying just to cut my losses and move on. The thing is though, there's a part of me that loves her and doesn't want to see her with someone else. Because of that I told her I would give it time and see if I can handle this. So far it's been.. ok I guess. We talked about everything, including the people we were with during our separation. I told her I was with 3 girls, she told me she was with Chris and her Ex.We had a really honest talk about everything. 

Our relationship has been amazing since, we go out, have fun, we're having a lot of sex, we don't go anywhere without each other, she said I can search her phone and FB whenever I want to see them. In fact I went through her phone 2 days ago and saw she hadn't texted Chris since I found out about everything (or any other guy for that matter). She said she told him at work that I had found out everything and that our marriage was on the rocks and that he told her "I'm so sorry about everything, I''ll leave you alone from now on"...

That being said, I'm trying to figure out what my plan is.

On one hand, I'm thinking what if she's working things out with me just because I have money and house and pay the bills? Is she with me because she's ashamed of what her family (who adores me) will think about her if they ever find out the reason why, if we ever, divorced? Is there a chance this will happen down the line again? Is it worth me putting (possibly) years of my life into trying to forget the memories, putting up with triggers every day, going to counseling, just to try and fix this? Not to mention I don't trust her now, and if we're going to have kids one day I need to trust her. I wouldn't feel confortable having kids with someone I can't trust you know?

Then on the other hand... she's everything now that I've ever wanted her to be. She's acting like she did when we first dated and fell in love. What if this really just a one time learning experience? She told me she has huge self esteem issues and that's the reason this all happened, she's not like a serial cheater. What if this is what our marriage needed (in a weird way...) for the 2 of us to be happy?

I don't know what to do... and I really REALLY appreciate you guys reading my entire story. Thank you so much in advance in case I don't respond right away, I'm so glad I found this forum  -M


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

ML83 said:


> I finished college during our separation, but haven't found a job yet. It's been ok though because I've been getting a settlement check since I was 18 every month for the rest of my life that I've been using to pay my bills and go out.. or for whatever. That check though, is about 3 times what my wife gets paid being a clerk at the courthouse every month.
> .
> .
> .
> I'm trying to figure out what my plan is.


So the settlement check is pretty ok but not luxurious. Aside all the other stuff, you need to get a job. Really, it will make you feel much better about yourself to be self-reliant.

The cool thing is that you have this check coming in. It takes off the usual life pressure of OMG what if I get laid off? Think about the amazing opportunity this represents for you.

You can choose the job and industry of your choice. You can work a lighter than normal schedule so that there is time for play and for charity.

If you were to invest your settlement check for the next 25 years, you could be retired in real luxury in your mid 50's. That is a real dream come true. Either do some conservative diversified investing, or even look at some real estate. Now is the time to buy, with low prices and incredible low interest rates. Get into a few rental units for example.

Another option is to apply your education towards some charitable type of work. Take on a mission (not necessarily religious) to use those skills even if it doesn't pay anything.

Look at the kids of rich people. They are screwed up because they don't have any productive outlet, nor do they have any need to be self-responsible. Similarly, look at welfare recipients. They frequently become mired in their poverty because they become reliant on the hand out check, and there is no need for them to be self-responsible.

I promise you that you will feel so much better about yourself if you have some kind of job or business obligation.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Just to scare you a bit. Looking at the past 30 years, inflation has caused the value of a dollar to drop to only $0.34. So to look forward 30 years, whatever the purchasing power is of your check today, it will only buy about a third of that in 30 years. 

Of course that is based on history and it is not an accurate predictor. IMO, inflation will only be much higher, not lower. So the future purchasing power of your settlement check may be even less!

Taken out to age 80 for you, that check is only worth maybe 10% of what it is today.

Living off of a settlement payment seems really fun and adequate today. Not so much in the future, especially with no backup plan.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

* I saw she was texting her ex Rick a little before our separation and was seeing him during our separation*

Now you Know the real reason of your separation.
She has been having a relationship, with him right up
to,the call to you about Try to work it out..

Another thing thats suspicious, every time sex dryes up
She seem to be up to no good..


*I found some from Chris (her attorney co-worker) and he tells her "I wish I could see you" and she replies "I wish I could kiss you" and he says "really?" and she says "Yah, really" ... "when?"... "right now*"

*I was on the bed with her, and she broke down crying and said she slept with him this past December.*

*She said she had no idea why she did it*. 
Makes complete sense..

See above.


*She said she told him at work that I had found out everything and that our marriage was on the rocks and that he told her "I'm so sorry about everything, I''ll leave you alone from now on"...* Why the need to leave her alone?

It was a one night stand,was it not??

And finally 

*She told me she has huge self esteem issues and that's the reason this all happened..* But dident she say. She said she had no idea why she did it? Strange, dont you think?


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## ML83 (Jan 25, 2012)

Very true... I didn't really think about that. 

As far as my check goes, thanks for the money advice and yah I'm looking for a job or some kind of business to invest in. I can't NOT have a job, I'm going crazy just being here at home all day and I'm sure things would be a lot better between us if she saw I took some kind of job or business initiative


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

You should get a job for YOU, not for her.


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## asylumspadez (Jan 17, 2012)

Honestly, Save yourself the heart ache and divorce. As they say once a cheater, Always a cheater. She slept with two different guys while together with you (1 during seperation but I will still count it) and you honestly expect her to be little miss perfect (exaggerating a bit) from now on? Come on.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Your relationship gets hot,then it cools,gets hot, cools ,gets hot cools etc.

Try the book's "Five Love Languages", "Love Busters", "His Needs Her Needs". You might be able to keep it on track this time but a relationship won't run itself.

Have you correlated the emails with her "birth controlled" lack of desire. Lack of desire often goes with cheating.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You aso know why the sex dried up. It wasn't that she didn't want sex, she just didn't want it with you.

You sound like her second choice. The others will have sex with her, she likes it with them, but you are the guy she got to marry her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> You aso know why the sex dried up. It wasn't that she didn't want sex, she just didn't want it with you.
> 
> You sound like her second choice. The others will have sex with her, she likes it with them, but you are the guy she got to marry her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep. You've always been the plan B, the back up plan.

BTW, how do you get served divorce papers when she didn't even file? This smells fishy. FYI, you would only get served if she did file. 

So you two separated and you banged a few women, got back togetber and basically lived in an open marriage, allowing her to go on GNOs while you went on BNOs. You two did separate things. And your surprised she had an affair? You live off your settlement check and don't work. Are you physically fit? Is that part of the reason she isnt attracted to you? 

Get a job and get fit. Work on improving yourself. Its up to you if you want to try R with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I went on the contraceptive injection at 17. I am now 37. The pill had not worked for me, I had tried 4 diff types. I went to get a cap fitted and the woman talked me into the injection. Before this, I was mad for sex with my bf. I was satisfied at 3 times a day. Less than meant I was restless and sexually edgy, more than was a bonus. He was not the same and found me a bit too much on that score! I began to have problems straight away, but being so young I didn't make the connection. Each injection lasted 3 months & I had 3 altogether. I reported the problems when I went for my 2nd one. She asked how often I had sex. Blamed my problem on that! The 3rd injection, problems worse. Sex had become very painful. Due to being dry possibly, and possibly dry due to my sex drive being diminished? I never went for my 4th injection. There was no point. I was physically unable to have sex anymore, and remained unable to for about 4+years. We were together 7 yrs. Til I was 23. After the injection, last one I was still 17, I could prob count on 2 hands how many times we had sex in those 7yrs. After I stopped the injection, I read up on it in the nurses dictionary. It is ideal for women going through the menopause, women should be counselled before given it, it inhibits the sex drive. I was told nothing about any side affects, even though I asked. She said 'Oh, nothing for you to worry about'. I also read about some catholic priests in Ireland who had abused boys. Instead of prosecution, they were given Depo Provera, my injection drug, to stop them wanting to have sex anymore, to inhibit their sex drive...with boys! 

I probably got my sex drive back (it was in a subtle way, I fancied other men etc), but did not want sex with my bf due to associating it with pain. Also, with my bf, we had been together quite some time, even after a few yrs, it held no excitement and I felt I had to 'make myself' have sex or want sex. I wanted neither. So this didn't help getting over my problems. When I fancied other men I felt aroused. There4 it was easier to do with someone else. I think these issues were not just because of the injection but I think me and my bf should've broken up a long time before and so was also to do with the relationship going stale. We ended up having an open relationship, I had sex with only 2 men (I think), kissed a few others, outside of our relationship. These were single occasions and not multiple. We split up eventually, not due to any 3rd party, and I met the man I had my children with. I continued to be wary of sex, I was much much better than I was, enjoyed sex, but was not into it greatly like I had been before the injection. And it still made me very nervous, which in turn made me tense, which in turn made it hurt. It didn't hurt all the time, but I was nervous practically every time. At one point, halfway through our relationship, I was quite unhappy, and so much not into sex that I remember saying to a friend I had no interest, would be happy never to have it again. We were together 11yrs, and split. He was a rubbish partner, lazy, unhelpful, angry, lazy, lazy, lazy. And he had some destructive habits, which led to our split. At 35 I met a man, loving, helpful, motivated, gorgeous, fancy him a lot. He has his negatives, but on the whole a brilliant boyfriend. He is also very very sexy, enjoys sex, he does all the right things, says all the right things etc. I now find myself back to 17 again, before the injection. I want sex with him constantly, all the time. No nervousness or any associations with pain whatsoever. Nothing but desire & want. I fantasise about him, adore him, am willing to try anything with him. Want him constantly. We are in our 3rd year (2 yrs & 3 months) so still relatively new, still feels very much continued honeymoon, but I am only now finally free of the effects of that injection. After 20 years. For the 1st time in 20 years I pursue sex, there are no hang UPS whatsoever, I want it, I want it as often as I can in any one day, I ask for it, I demand it  he loves it, which means I get it as often as I like and as he is capable of. Great! 

Hehe as I have just about finished this post, he just popped home from work (it is my day off) for a quickie. Fab! I absolutely love sex with him and can't get enough. He is so fine! Made my day! 

I don't know if your wife was affected in such a massive way as I was, I guess not seeing as you don't complain of your current lack of sex, but I hope my story goes someway in helping you understand the massive effects that this drug can cause. This doesn't take away from the fact she cheated on you. She needs to address that with you. She is obviously being somewhat open with you by allowing you access to her phone, FB, email etc. But only time will tell if she is genuine. And seeing as you have no children, it may be better to cut your losses. This I guess depends on how perfect she is to you, and whether you feel the strength of feeling is reciprocated.

As a final footnote, to put a little more perspective on my current relationship, he cheated on me, hence I am on this site. At the beginning of our relationship and also 9 months into it. 4times. All with his ex. I found out nearly a year after the final f*ck. So, it has been 8 months since I found out, and 1yr 6months since they last met, and I don't know if I can trust him. I know he genuinely loves me, genuinely regrets, and wants a future with me. I do with him too. But a crystal ball I do not have. And my worry is that as soon as he doesn't feel those strength of feelings for me any longer, once we are not a new relationship any longer and things become comfortable, will he cheat on me again. I am not sure he has the strength of character and moral backbone to remain faithful forever and always, no matter what. And to treat me decently no matter what. To end our relationship before he embarks on another. I have been very close to the edge for a long time now. Very close to finishing with him once and for all (we have finished several times but only for a few days, a week). I am still here though. Still here because I have never been out with someone that I adore and love so greatly, that I get on with so well. I think he would be a very hard act to follow. We click on a great scale, we get on brilliantly, I totally fancy him, every little bit of him. The strength of love I have for him is equal to that I have for my own children, for those of you who have children, you will know how deep that runs. And so, if we split for good, I would only want another man just like him, a replica. But one that doesn't cheat on me. And I think to find another as perfect as him would be impossible. So I hope for the best. And hope that he is genuine in what he says to me. And certainly his actions back up all he says. I don't think he has gone through the amount that we have with anyone else before me. I don't think he has faced up to himself in such a way and to such an extent with any other woman.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

And I agree with lord mayhem. what man is attractive who doesn't work hard to improve his and his wife's future. U watch her go out to work for a pittance while you live off your handout. Surely if you are married your finances should be joint. All in to the same pot for you and for her. Not just keeping your free lump of cash for you, paying a bit more than she does as you get more, and yet watch her go out to work every day while you do not. You sound selfish. Sorry.

I also agree with the seperate nights out point. You were not doing things together. You out with the boys, her with the girls. Don't you go out in couples? Do you go out together more so and separately as an occasional? People who lead separate lives do not have successful relationships and one of them often cheats, or leaves the other for another. Just a matter of time.

So, is this what your marriage 'needed', it needed something. You needed a kick up the ass etc. Not the best way to do it though. She should have left you 1st. But then, these things happen don't they. Many many people get sucked into doing things they ordinarily wdn't due to being very unhappy, the right circumstances at the right time (or wrong should I say) and then before they know it, there they are. It sound like things have improved greatly though. You just got to keep communicating instead of just reacting to your (her reacting) unhappiness in such a damaging way.


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