# Just So Tired



## lonely73 (Jun 27, 2011)

I’m not sure that this is the right forum for this, but I need to vent. My husband and I are on the brink of separation (see my earlier post for all the details – I don’t know how to link it to this post). 

A little back story - due to financial irresponsibility and me always trying to bail H out, we lost our home and had to file bankruptcy last year. He has always been a big spender, so we agreed that we would each get one credit card to work on rebuilding our credit. About 3 months ago I came home and caught him opening an envelope with a credit card and ask him what it was. He proceeded to try to “sell” me on why it was a good idea for him to have a second card with a higher limit. I was not sold, but I let it go after he promised he would get no more cards. 

Yesterday I was on our Amazon account trying to set up online movie rentals and discovered he has a third credit card listed in Amazon. He is out of the country so I cannot confirm this with him until his return, but the expiration dates are all new and I don’t recognize the numbers as any of his past cards (all of our old cards were cancelled in 2008). Based on history, I feel pretty certain that this is a new card that he has not told me about. I must admit that I would normally be very angry, but now I just feel deflated. I’m so tired of trying to fix everything going wrong in our lives – finances being a huge one – only to be undermined ever step of the way. 

Sorry if this is the wrong place to post. I just needed “someone” to vent to.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Vent away lonely73, vent away. I've read your other posts. In my professional opinion, I don't think trial separations do anything postive for progressing the relationship. With the finances, I think you should get rid of the credit cards all together and just use cash,checks, or debit cards. Establishing credit is a good idea, but going into more debt is a very bad idea (especially credit card debt). I wonder if it would be possible for him to have his own allowance set on his debit card, and once that was spent, he would no longer have any money to spend.

Have you let him know how you feel?
Have you considered marriage counseling?

You don't have to answer these questions. If you just want to vent, that is fine. Sometimes venting can help you come up with your own solutions to your problems which are usually the best solution anyway.


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## lonely73 (Jun 27, 2011)

I totally agree that the credit cards are a bad idea. Unfortunately he is doing this all on his own without my knowledge ahead of time (this has been a pattern in our relationship). 

I have tried to explain my feelings to him, but he is uncomfortable talking about serious adult issues. His usual response is "don't worry about it", "everything will work itself out" etc. He always says he understands and will work at it, but never follows through. We never have heated arguments (no screaming, yelling, stomping off etc.). I talk, he listens and then he usually has nothing to say other than “I’ll work on things.”

We each have our own bank accounts as well as a joint household account. In 2004, I took over all the finances for the household and we each have an allowance deposited in our separate accounts that we refer to as our "fun money". We have adjusted his allowance to everything from 200/mo. to 800/mo. in hopes to find something that would work. Unfortunately no matter how much is put in there he has not been able to stay within those means. He would either resorts to using our joint account leaving us struggling to pay our bills or will use credit cards (all or our credit cards were/are separate).

I've ask him repeatedly to go to marriage counseling but so far he has refused. I begin marriage counseling week after next (out of town next week). He has been invited, but has declined to go. This is my last ditch effort. I'm hoping maybe I'll learn some tools to better communicate what I need out of the relationship that may get a better response from him. I just don't know what else to do if this doesn't work. 

Why do you think a trial separation would not work? I guess I thought that maybe he would realize I was serious if I left. My goal is to improve my marriage, not to get a divorce.

Thanks for "listening."


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## kirby81 (Jun 29, 2011)

A friend of mine has a very similar issue with her husband. The only thing that she has found that worked is to have the money taken out of her husband's check by his employer and put into HER account. Not the joint account that he has access to as well. However, I do not think she has had to deal with the issue with his abusing credit cards. I would think that you could just get them out of his wallet and cut them up or being his wife, you would have the ability to call and cancel them ... leaving him only the debit card of his 'fun money' account. Yet, I can certainly understand why you are tired of having to babysit him and wouldn't want to have to take those measures =(


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## lonely73 (Jun 27, 2011)

I'm not on his accounts and I'm not listed as an authorized user so I don't have any access or authority to cancel his cards. I wish it was that easy, but unfortunately this is an area where he is unwilling to be open with me. He always seems to have money yet, I have no idea where it comes from. We have gone around in circles with this issue and never get anywhere. 

I feel like there really does need to be more transparency in our relationship when it comes to our finances but after 11 years he is pretty stubborn on this subject.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

In doing marriage counseling with numerous couples, I have just noticed that trial separations don't usually work for the benefit of the marriage. I think because people get lazy when they are separated. But when they are together and going through counseling, they see each other everyday and remember that they need to improve their relationship. However, I do agree with you that you somehow need t let him know that you are definitely not okay with the marriage, especially the financial situation.

Does he sign up for the credit card offers that come in the mail? There is a way to stop those from coming in the mail. It requires calling a phone number. You also have to have the social security number of the person you want to stop receiving those offers. Open your next credit card offer, and it should say somewhere in there how to stop those from coming to your home.


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## Sex (Jun 23, 2011)

End the marriage immediately, if he asks why, tell him you will never say, if he pushes the issue, cut him down with words. 

:allhail:


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## lonely73 (Jun 27, 2011)

Thank you Riverside MFT. That is good information. It makes sense that it would be easy to get lazy about the relationship when you are seperated.

I think he usually applies for cards based on the research he does for BK friendly cards, but it can't hurt to stop the offers from coming to the house. I didn't know you could do that. I'll look into that asap.


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## lonely73 (Jun 27, 2011)

lonely73 said:


> Thank you Riverside MFT. That is good information. It makes sense that it would be easy to get lazy about the relationship when you are seperated.
> 
> I think he usually applies for cards based on the research he does for BK friendly cards, but it can't hurt to stop the offers from coming to the house. I didn't know you could do that. I'll look into that asap.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lonely73 (Jun 27, 2011)

lonely73 said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I did a little snooping (which I've never done before). Looks like H has been applying for car loans for a car that costs as much as he makes per year. This wouldn't be e first time he's bought a car that we couldnt afford without talking to me.... And only 8 months out of bankruptcy. I dont think he's ever going to get it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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