# Is it ok for my husband to be friends with his ex?



## hhr12 (Jan 16, 2012)

I have a problem with my husbands ex.
To give you a brief history, we dated back in high school but went to different high schools. He got involved with a girl at his school the same time he was dating me. I didn't find out about her for a while, and when his parents kicked him out of the house he moved in with her but still wanted to see me too.
As in love with him as I was I agreed but hated every minute of it. He never stopped talking to me and we saw each other when we could and she would alllow it I guess you could say, we had a baby together and he always told her he was leaving to come see his son so she had no choice but to let him go. He had no where to go he claims and she was giving him a place to live when he was kicked out of his parents home. 
Fast forward to now, we've been married almost 20 years straight out of high school we got married. She friend requested me on facebook and out of curiosity I accepted it and she of course friend requested him too. 
Another piece of information, we live in Oklahoma and she is married and lives in Florida but still comes back to Oklahoma to visit friends and family so she isn't a threat as far as them having physical contact.
A few months ago he went out of town for the night with his brother, long story short they went up to Kansas to pick up truck his brother was buying and one of them had to drive the new truck back and someone drive the car back that they went up in. They were going to stay the night and come home. Everything was great when he left to go, we hugged and he said love you, all of that and they left. I tried to call him a few times while they were gone and he claims the phone was dead, but found out he had been talking to his ex on the phone the whole time. Even the next day that they came back he said they were going to grab a bite to eat and found text messages later on that he was texting her telling her he was out driving around and to call him. He says they only talk on facebook now every few weeks but he's never given me an explanation as to why he snuck around to talk to her and lied and said the phone was dead. I don't know if he still loves her and it breaks my heart.
We ran into her and her husband a few months ago when we just happened to be at the same night club. Her and her husband came back to Oklahoma to celebrate his birthday and saw each other at the same night club. She apologized to me and said she understands what she put me through now that she has teenager daughter of her own and apologizes for hurting me and hugged me. She says if she would have known what she knows now she would have never hurt me but when they were seeing each other in high school she had feelings for him then too and like me didn't want to give him up. I accepted her apology and she said again that she was very sorry and hopes that we can be friends.
Now I'm confused. Should I remain friends with her and should I allow my husband to keep talking to her? I asked him if he would quit talking to her if I asked and he said no, she is just my friend now and she lives in Florida, its not like we are ever going to get back together. 
I do find comfort though in the fact that the entire time was with her he never wanted to give me up, that he snuck around and talked to me or called me even when he was with her. That he loved me more than her I guess but he wanted to have his cake and eat it too.
So confused here on how to feel or what to do?!?!


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Personally I dont think either of you should be friends with her. She has her own life and you have yours, if he was talking to her behind your back whats to say that he wont meet yup with her behind your back when she is in town. You have been married for 20 years which is a good thing some couples dont get together after knowing that their partner has cheated on them whether they new about it or not so congrats on that. I do think on the other hand that you should both cut all ties with this woman and if he continues to say no then you should take time out to really think if this is what you want out of your marriage. Good luck


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I do not think it's ever ok to be friends with an ex unless you have children together. There are 7 billion people on the planet - get another friend.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Forgive the cute response but...

DANGER DANGER DANGER!!!!

Relationships with Ex's = playing with matches while standing in gasoline. By way of example - I was happily married for 13 years, received a friend request from an old HS girlfriend I hadn't though of in 18 years, accepted and 10 days later we were exchanging I Love You's and having virtual sex - 10 DAYS!!!. It may be that there is nothing inappropriate about his relationship with her now (although the lying to you about the phone is a very bad harbinger), but the thing with old flames is that they can flare up and go nuclear in the blink of an eye - literally - remember 10 days and I was happily married. 

IMO you need to get this under control and at a minimum get full and complete transparency, at least where she's concerned - NO MORE LIES - PERIOD!!! Preferably he'd de-friend her but your short on justification for that it sounds like - of course other than that you're his wife and you don't like it - which should be justification enough. 

Keep your eye on this - pay attention and at the first sign of trouble call it out and don't back down.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Not if you are uncomfortable with it and espeically if he has been interacting with her behind your back and lying about it. Excluding you from the friendship is a red flag along with the lying. Don't care what reason he has you are the one person he should never lie to. Couples should never have secrets from one another. It is dangerouse and unhealthy to a marriage.

In my opinion she has got to go. Don't care how nice she was, or how long they have known each other, their history, and so on. He lied about communicating with her and you his spouse and the mother of his child is uncomfortable with it. 

There is no real reason for him to hold onto what sounds like a toxic relationship and you would be fully with in reason to ask him to end it. I would cut her out completly, change numbers, erase her number block her face book on both accounts what ever needs to be done. She has got to go!:


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