# He just won't have sex with me



## loveisthemovement (Aug 15, 2012)

My FH is an incredible, kind, giving man. We fell in love fast and hard, but have been together for going on 3 years.. That love was unconditional throughout all of our relationship, and still was well into our engagement.

But he just won't have sex with me. It isn't that he wants to wait until marriage. We HAVE had sex, all of 4 times in our 3 year relationship. Each time has been, well, for lack of a better word.... boring. We have so much passion in our relationship, wouldn't it only make sense that it would be just as strong in the bedroom? Not the case. In fact for the last 6-8 months he hasn't even laid a finger on me. Other than kissing, and the occasional make out, you'd think we were just two best friends who shared a bed. 

No, sex is not the only important thing in a relationship or a marriage, but it IS important. I'm a sexual person. I don't have sex with random people by any means, but I love the connection that is created between two partners while having sex, making love. INTIMACY is important.

I've become unhappy, and completely detached from our relationship. I keep going further into wedding planning, yet I'm so uncertain of everything. I've tried talking to him, and he just shuts me down every time. He will not discuss our sex life, he just blows up about it. Over time I have just gradually been feeling all those romantic and sexual feelings go out the window. I find him handsome and wonderful, but I'm just not attracted to him anymore. He put up a wall for so long that I just don't know if there is any going back.

And now he starts being affectionate, trying to be ever so slightly more sexual, and I just feel sick under his touch. 

It is just too little too late?
I'm at a loss as to where to go from here. As much as I care for him, I can't help but wonder how miserable my life will be if I continue down this path? But, at the same time I can't imagine my life without him.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

He might feel he's inadequate in sex or just not good at it so tries to avoid it. He probably thinks he can't satisfy you sexually so just doesn't try to do it. You should talk about it with him. If he doesn't man up and have sex with you, you should consider leaving him.


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## DDC (Jul 16, 2012)

loveisthemovement said:


> My FH is an incredible, kind, giving man. We fell in love fast and hard, but have been together for going on 3 years.. That love was unconditional throughout all of our relationship, and still was well into our engagement.
> 
> But he just won't have sex with me. It isn't that he wants to wait until marriage. We HAVE had sex, all of 4 times in our 3 year relationship. Each time has been, well, for lack of a better word.... boring. We have so much passion in our relationship, wouldn't it only make sense that it would be just as strong in the bedroom? Not the case. In fact for the last 6-8 months he hasn't even laid a finger on me. Other than kissing, and the occasional make out, you'd think we were just two best friends who shared a bed.
> 
> ...


#1: Why are you planning on marrying someone who has had sex with you just over once a year? 

#2: Why is he starting to be more affectionate now? And when you say affectionate, does this mean sex, or just cuddling, spooning, non-sexual touching, etc.?


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## loveisthemovement (Aug 15, 2012)

> #1: Why are you planning on marrying someone who has had sex with you just over once a year?
> 
> #2: Why is he starting to be more affectionate now? And when you say affectionate, does this mean sex, or just cuddling, spooning, non-sexual touching, etc.?


1) For a long time I had convinced myself that the connection we had, the love we shared was more important than sex. 

2) not sex itself, but he's trying to be more sexual. touching, groping... but still not sex


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## DDC (Jul 16, 2012)

loveisthemovement said:


> 1) For a long time I had convinced myself that the connection we had, the love we shared was more important than sex.
> 
> 2) not sex itself, but he's trying to be more sexual. touching, groping... but still not sex


What I'm curious about is why you were okay with him not being sexual for so long and now that he is trying to be sexual, you're turned off. 

I understand that your take is that you waited for so long that now when he actually touches you you are no longer turned on, it just seems to be a very strange turn of events on both of your parts with no real explanation why.

Any ideas?


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

DDC said:


> #1: Why are you planning on marrying someone who has had sex with you just over once a year?
> 
> #2: Why is he starting to be more affectionate now? And when you say affectionate, does this mean sex, or just cuddling, spooning, non-sexual touching, etc.?


Important questions...








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

I'd say you should put off the marriage and address this issue. Unless it's solved in a way that satisfies you, it would probably be a mistake to enter a marriage with him. A good sexual relationship is crucial to a successful marriage.


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## fyrefox (Aug 15, 2012)

Do you think he may be against having sex before getting married? Even though you have done it, maybe he feels guilty about it which is why he is trying to limit it. Just a thought.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

And his perspective on all this is.....what?


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I know plenty of religious Christian men who have had sex outside of marriage. Just sayin'.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

The problem here seems to be one of communication.
If both of you agreed NOT to have sex before marriage,that is perfectly understandable and normal.

However,if no such conversation ever occurred,then both of you have a serious problem that he is unwilling to admit.

The only way to achieve real sexual intimacy and connection in marriage is through deep communication.and sometimes the best way to communicate these feelings is skin to skin.
Maybe he is both insecure and guilty , but you can only find out if he talks.

Both of you are exclusive and even before there are sexual problems. If this is not dealt with,it would only get worse.
The good news is that both of you CAN start now to discover each other's sexuality if he is willing to admit there is a problem.

Some counselling may be in order.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

secretly gay?


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## 99RedBalloons (Aug 16, 2012)

Maybe he believes in no sex until marriage. You should respect that and let him be. If it is not good enough for you, then leave him and find someone with similar morals to yourself. You arent married yet so you arent roped in with him yet.


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

He could be asexual. My advice, from someone who only has sex a few times a year with my husband due to his complete lack of drive..walk away, don't get married, don't have children together. 

Be grateful that you waited so long before getting married so you could see this side of him that doesn't fulfil you. As a passionate person I am really struggling with this aspect of my marriage and feel there is no way out because we have a baby which complicates things. 

I completely understand how you have lost attraction and feel uncomfortable when he touches you now..I reached that point with my husband recently after so many years of feeling like I was constantly throwing myself at him only to be rejected over and over again, now I don't want his touch and feel it is the too little too late scenario. Trust yourself, it sounds like you know it's kind of over because you can't marry someone you're not attracted to and whose libido doesn't remotely match your own..that is walking into complete disaster.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

If sex before marriage was really the issue, the OP's fiance wouldn't even have had sex with her once. 

My libido is higher than my husband's, but only slightly so. I can have sex every day; he is a 3-4 times a week kind of man. I don't mind 4 times a week because it is a good compromise and my husband rocks my world each time.


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## Taurus (Aug 23, 2012)

I was scrolling along and read your post. I know his situation all too well. He loves the comfort and companionship he has with you and you are someone he wants to be with. He will not want to leave you to be alone. He would miss you terribly. Unfortunately, we have our "triggers" or types that formed at some point. Simply being female is not enough. I like tall women with long hair and smooth tanned skin, that are witty and gregarious. This doesn't make me shallow, it's what I'm attracted to. I will AWAYS notice this and cannot stop looking at these types. You may be totally hot, but there is something vanilla somewhere. It doesn't have to be physical attributes. You must confront what it is that gets him going. He probably will not reveal it, so as not to hurt your feelings. Trust me, I excel at meeting the nicest women I don't want to sleep with. This will not be able to be changed and you are making a grave mistake planning marriage.


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## LONELY IN VA (Aug 23, 2012)

Im with 67flh.... ON THE DL?????


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## snipey (Aug 16, 2012)

Have you talked to him about it? ask him whats going on tell him how you feel. You are planning to marry a man whos touch makes you feel sick ,I have problems with my sex life in marriage and I'm thinking about walking if it doesn't get any better and my problem is nowhere near as bad as yours.
you sound like a really nice and unselfish person, and you are right sex is important (very important) and Its not just a case of a need to get your leg over type thing , making love or having down right dirty sex brings so much more conection and nice feelings between 2 people and not having sex especially being rejected or not being wanted brings with it a lot of bad feelings.
Talk to him it could be anything like underlying problems mental or physical that affect his sex drive who knows but you need to find out. Please do not get married untill you are happy that things are atleast being fixed and you are sure all is going to be well. Unless you can live without sex? please think of your self and your own needs it is not selfish of you if you decide to leave him just because your sexual needs are no where near being fulfilled. It is a very important facter in any relationship. I hope you resolve this I really do but please think about your self before making any big commitments ,goodluck


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