# Lost, ashamed, confused



## losinghope12 (Jan 31, 2012)

I need some serious advice from third party sources and I'm hoping you all can help me at least think about things from a different perspective. Anyways here is my situation

Been married less than a year - and yes I feel horrible that I am even contemplating ending a marriage after a year - I feel like some awful celebrity. I have a long list of issues with this relationship so here goes

For starters my wife does not work. She quit her job about a year before we were married, I wasn't really given much say in the matter. She had been legitimately suffering from insomnia and went to see various doctors. She claims that a doctor told her that the looping commercial advertisements in her store (she worked retail) were affecting her subconscious mind preventing her from sleep. I suggested she find someplace else to work, but that was never a serious consideration. In the 2 or so years she quit, never once has she mused about getting a new job. I even threw out a suggestion or two along the way I thought she would like but this was met with open indifference.

My wife does not do any form of housework. She doesn't do dishes, vaccum, laundry, yardwork, take care of the pets, pretty much anything at all. At best she might cook one meal a month and might do 2 loads of laundry and throw it in a crumpled pile for me to fold and put away. At best she might go to the grocery store 50% of the time. I work probably 50+ hours a week and come home to a sink full of dirty dishes, cat litter needing to be changed and who knows what else.

Her entire life revolves around playing on the computer, wasting time on the Internet and playing online games. I have no problem doing any of the above in moderation, but spending all day every day doing it without contributing to the household is really beginning to irritate me. Its 50/50 whether she bothers to greet me when I come home. She has been observed to stay up into the very early hours of the morning playing online games (4:30am is not out of the question). 

She used to go to bed with me, or at least lay in bed and chat with me for a few minutes before getting up to run back downstairs to play games. Now that is out of the question, I have to go into the computer room to wish her good night and she'll barely turn around and say good night. That said we've maybe have had sex 5 times in the past 6 months

Anymore we barely even communicate, I get home and I'm in one room and shes in the other playing online video games. I have expressed my frustration a number of times and nothing ever changes. At most she will humor me and watch a TV show with me but you can tell the entire time she is chomping at the bit to run back to that damn computer

About two months ago I wake up at 7:30-8ish on a Saturday morning while she is still asleep (she sleeps until at least ten) and I hear a text message come into her phone, curious I see who its from as it seems way too early to be just a B.S text. I see its from a guy I've never heard of, so I read their text history and it was of a very sexual nature. I get this guys area code and find him on her FB account and see that he is half a country away so I dont think anything physical is happening but still - she is openly flirting (or worse) with guys 7 months in. I tell her to tell this guy to f off and she says she will, I checked her FB account that night and she told this guy to "be more discreet". I'm sure they still chat, but in less obvious ways.

As I confront her about this, she cries and tells me she is unsure if she married me because she loved me or if it was because she thought I would make a good father. Oh by the way, she just found out in the last week that she has a disease that will prevent her from having children and they are getting ready to put her through chemically induced menopause (shes in her late 20s). I'm not going to disrepect her because of her health issues, but I am an only child and always wanted to have children and give my parents grandkids which will never happen with her. I try to talk to her about it but she refuses to discuss this situation - considering she admitted to not being sure if she married me because I'd be a good dad and that is now out the window...............

Last rant, so I am now paying for her to see a psychiatrist because she is having issues with depression. The doctors first suggestion was to perhaps do some volunteer work to get herself out there and enjoy some part of life. No effort was made to even attempt this. The second suggestion was to spend more time with me, over a week later and nothing. Still playing online games.

Sorry this post will be so long, I could honestly go on for hours about this. Am I a terrible person for contemplating ending this marriage? I dont think I am a bad husband, I make a good living, never once cheated or even struck up a conversation that could even be considered flirting, I'm not abusive, I don't drink or smoke - but I feel like I am a miserable failure at life. I just want happiness


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Wow, your wife has issues. She seems to have put nothing into your relationship. I think you might be best to cut and run. Good luck.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

She sounds like a lost cause. Diivorce her. She may run back to u but you will probably not want her back anyway. 

How did u end up marrying such an unproductive person anyway?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

It's this bad after a year.

Imagine how it will be in 10 years.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I can definately empthize with waht you are going through. My marriage is similar except that my husband lost his job 2 years after we got married. He started the online stuff like your wife does once he was laid off. 10 years later he’s still doing it. We have no personal life at all.

I’ve insisted that he see doctors and phsychiatrists about it his ‘depression’, etc. He’s on meds. He’s easier to get along with but cannot stand to be away from the computer for more than about 1 hour a day.

She’s cheating on you with at least one guy. There might very well be more than one. Cyber sex is probably involved. Those on-line games are very often virtual meat markets.

I hate to tell you this but your marriage is over. You are young and have not invested much time in this relationship. Do yourself a favor and divorce her. For one thing if she has to support herself she might finally get off the computer and do something. But at least you can look for a woman who wants to live in the real world.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hisfac said:


> It's this bad after a year.
> 
> Imagine how it will be in 10 years.


I know exactly what it will be like in 10 years.. welcome to my life.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You must have mentioned divorce to her by now. What does she have to say about it.


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## losinghope12 (Jan 31, 2012)

synthetic said:


> She sounds like a lost cause. Diivorce her. She may run back to u but you will probably not want her back anyway.
> 
> How did u end up marrying such an unproductive person anyway?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I honestly don't know how she decided to become such an uninspired, unproductive human being.

We moved in together pretty early into our relationship (maybe 6 months), she had an apartment and was having a really hard time making ends meet (I had to buy her groceries a few times). I live in a house and felt pity for her, I don't recall ever saying the words "lets move in together" but I will say I spoke hypothetically of someday we should consider that, which she took and ran with and next thing I knew I was charged with renting U-Hauls and making it happen

She used to work and did some housework (never an actual 50/50 split) but enough to barely satisfy me. Then she quit (in large part I believe because her stores HVAC went out and she threw a giant temper tantrum about how hot it was). It seems like ever since she has crawled into this hole of laziness and apathy. Its like she's 19, on spring break, and just wants to vegitate for 2 weeks. Unfortunately for both of our sakes, she is not 19 she is almost 10 years older than that, not in school, not at work, and just lays around all day every day.

I think I'm kind of a doormat  and have enabled it to get this bad. I never truly put my foot down and said enough. She suckered me into quitting, which I thought well if this will make her happy fine. As mentioned earlier I have broached the subject of work and it is instantly shot down, usually with the 'you make plenty of money' -or- 'you want me to work retail when you know it makes me miserable'? It was also framed as 'I want to have kids someday so I might as well quit now' - whatever the hell that means. She stopped doing all housework, which I have expressed my displeasure -repeatedly- and occassionally I will get a crying fit about 'I know I'm a terrible wife', but then still do nothing.

I will be cleaning the house on Saturday morning (of course I have to wait around to vaccum for her to rumble out of bed), and she clearly walks by me, sees me in the laundry room (of all chores laundry is well known to be the one I dislike doing the most), knows I'm pissed, and will basically shrug her shoulders as she continues to the computer room where she will plop down and start playing games.

Shes also gained a tremendous amount of weight over the past 2 years, while never skinny - she probably added 70+ lbs. She is well past anything that could even be considered remotely healthy and several doctors have told her to lose weight. Her response is "I hate exercise, its so boring", and then proceeds to head back to her spot in front of the computer. Last time she went grocery shopping we were loaded up on ice cream, frozen pizzas and the like

Is it wrong to just want it to end? I dont even want to deal with therapy because as shes already proven, she wont follow any of the doctors suggestions


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So riddle me this... Why are you still there? And this is a serious question.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cgh (Jan 18, 2012)

sounds like your putting in 100% of the effort and getting no return. you already know your answer but are afraid to let go. 
life is short and you still have plenty to live.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Whatever you do, DO NOT get this woman pregnant! You really, really need to run like your azz is on fire (as we say in the other forum) and then, you need to work on yourself so you can choose better in the future.


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## losinghope12 (Jan 31, 2012)

She recently discovered in the past 2 weeks that she would be unable to have children and will be beginning chemically-induced menopause, so there is no chance of pregnancy at this point (not that we have sex all that often)

I ask myself why am I still in this marriage? One word = fear.

Fear of the stigma of getting a divorce without even being married for 1 year (I still cant wrap my head around that). Fear of what family/friends will think. Fear of divorce proceedings (am I going to have to pay alimony or something to continue funding her apathetic lifestyle)? Fear of never finding anyone else and dying alone. I am a very shy person so its not like I get out and about all that often.

Anymore it feels like I am pushing a boulder up a mountain (the boulder being her). Its dead weight, it all falls on my shoulders. If I even stop to take a second's rest, the boulder rolls right back down to the bottom and I'm stuck at square one


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I would have thought since she cant have kids your family would approve a divorce. It sounds a legitimate reason to me.
Regarding what it will cost you, you should speak to a lawyer. I dont think it will be that much. You will not have to keep 'funding' her.
Never finding anyone. There are dating sites and other ways without having to 'get about'.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

Wow, she reads like she is some lazy loser husband. but she is a fat woman who is not even into you and flirting with some other guy? There is no redeeming quality there. and she can't have kids either, but you do?
Run!
And Yes you are an enabler.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

lh12,
I'm thinking your chick has just as much fear as you heve. So take this as an oppertunity to pull your self up and dust your self off and change your sh!t. You are not a failure and you know what you want. so with understanding and confidence take control of your marriage.

As I said before she also has fears and you both have needs that need to be met. start out by discussing these needs and set up your boundries.

What are her boundries? Hell for that matter what are your boundries? granted you can't control people but you sure can control what you will tolorate and what you will do if your boundries aren't respected. 

Sto pushing this boulder and let it roll back down, that boulder is not you it is her. You keep going up that hill.

Don't walk behind me, don't walk infront of me, but walk next to me.

It will alway be your wifes choice to stay at the bottom of the hill, but she has the choice to put her big girl pants on and climb with you, then the both of you can have a respect for each other. 

Its hard man, I know our women can put this monkey on our backs , BECAUSE WE LET THEM! But with confidence we can offer them to walk next to us or be left behind. It sound cold but there is a certain respect gained by telling the one we love that its time to sh!t or get off the pot, I'm moving forward with the healthy behavior that are being taught to me now through IC & MC.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

losinghope12 said:


> She recently discovered in the past 2 weeks that she would be unable to have children and will be beginning chemically-induced menopause, so there is no chance of pregnancy at this point (not that we have sex all that often)
> 
> I ask myself why am I still in this marriage? One word = fear.
> 
> ...


You won't have to pay alimony. She can work, you have only been married a year, she is able bodied, why does she need to be supported? 

I think you are a very nice man and you are a bit of a rescuer. You don't want to look like a bad guy because your wife has had issues that are out of her control that affects one of your primary goals to have kids. 

You hesitate as any decent person would. But what are the other things besides the infertility that are at issue? Or put another way - lets say she did not have the fertility problem, could you see yourself having a family with her? You would probably have to do most of the childcare when you get home from work and she may have problems nurturing a kid who competes with her gaming. 

The refusal to do anything with her life and letting you support her vacation. The pity party "I'm not a good wife". She is playing you big time. I am sorry about her illness but I think all of the other things before the illness should be used to make your decision. 

I have a feeling that you just let this happen, starting with letting invade your space by moving in. It is time to make things happen for you. You are facing a major fork in the road of your life - one points to a future where you actively make choices that are best for you or one where you allow yourself to get along for the next 40 years. You will end up hating your wife. 

Do her a favor since you like helping people. Divorce her. That will get her out of her dependent, lazy mind set and she will be forced to use the talents God gave her.

It will take you using muscles that seem to have atrophied - active decision making about your life. The people you fear disappointing will not be miserable with you for 40 years. they may be unhappy for a while but they will get better and move on. Don't let this just drift along, do what you need to do now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## losinghope12 (Jan 31, 2012)

Thanks for all of the kind words of advice. 

Tonight is pretty much shaping up like every other week, I get home from work and was greeted and shared maybe 5-10 minutes of small talk (most of which revolved around our pets), and I was told there was a video game party tonight, tomorrow, and Friday and she was planning on participating in all of them from 9p-??? As if thats different from any other night. why I'm even told these things is beyond me, its not like she is asking me, she is telling me, and its not like this isn't a daily thing anyways.

Once we get through the next couple of weeks, I am "laying down the law", she is going to be given an ultimanum of getting a job and she is contributing to at least half of the household chores. I know that the guilt attacks will be flying "do you want me to be miserable in retail?", etc. I hope my deflectors can handle it, although honestly I'd rather just end this marriage once and for all and move on with life.

I keep going back and forth between feeling like a sucker and a total heel. As I keep reiterating I resent the way she treats me, resent the lack of effort at any part of this relationship and so on. But at the same time I will feel like the world's biggest ass to dump her after she just found out she can't have children and its not like she is going to have anyplace to really go. Her dad lives a few hours away and I'm thinking that is her only real option. 

I hate life right now


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

It is understandable that you need to make a deciocion at this time. Niether of you have control over the fertility. 

But you both have control over how you live your lives. . She decided to be lazy and unpleasant. You can decide to take it or not. 

She has decided to live on someone's dime and you let her. However there are consequences. I think quitting her job was calculated and doing what she pleases is as well. 

She was sure you would do nothing about is. She is far and happy and she is married to a man who she does not love but finds useful. 

If you see it that way she perpetrated a massive deception. She is using you - she picked you because she predicted she would get away with it. 

You are in an intolerable situation. You are supporting what amounts to a parasite. Make your decision based on the depth of her deception. 

She has no right to use others and no right to mistreat you. She must learn that lesson. It is better for her. 

She can decide to be a better person or continue to be lazy and use others. 

Please do this you help your self and help her to evolve from an existence using others to a productive life.


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