# Dating BS from cake eaters



## aston

So I Decided to activate an OK Cupid profile. It's holiday season and new flames around the holidays make it fun so I figured I give dating another shot.

Well I signed up and of course it's the same people and profiles I saw there three yrs ago with maybe a handful of new faces. But it seems like every time I check out an online dating site it's the SAME people. Could it be that online dating fosters or exacerbates serial dating habits? Is it THAT impossible to be in a steady situation with one person that you check back periodically and it's the same people on there? Or people just treat online dating like a shopping catalog?

Needless to say, I went on a date after a few emails. She was so full of herself (Yale Ph.D) that she really thought she defecates ice cream! Even had the gumption to mention another guy she's been skyping with that she might be really interested in too. Date was over, I thanked her for a pleasant evening and didn't contact her again. 

4 Days later (yesterday) she sends me an email wondering why I never contacted her again, in addition to wondering why after such a pleasant evening.....and I quote her I "disappeared without a hint of interest".
I'm thinking WTF? During our date you mentioned Skype guy and being very interested in him and you have the gumption to ask me why I'm not interested? I haven't responded yet but from my prior threads this is what I talk about......this whole cake eating crap from women. I don't get it!


----------



## Daisy10

People are so clueless sometimes!


----------



## Jellybeans

Sounds like she is a multi-dater.

I would just be honest with her, since she was with you, and tell her you are not interested in going out with her again. You could even tell her it's because you aren't into dating people who are dating someone else. Or just leave it at the fact that you guys aren't a good match.

I have never done online dating but perhaps some of the same folks on there took a hiatus, as you did (and are also wondering why you are back on again!); perhaps they had a relationship that didn't work out so they got back on; perhaps they never took their profile down and haven't used it in months; perhaps some folks only like to use online dating sites for dating.


----------



## aston

Jellybeans said:


> Sounds like she is a multi-dater.
> 
> I would just be honest with her, since she was with you, and tell her you are not interested in going out with her again. You could even tell her it's because you aren't into dating people who are dating someone else. Or just leave it at the fact that you guys aren't a good match.
> 
> I have never done online dating but perhaps some of the same folks on there took a hiatus, as you did (and are also wondering why you are back on again!); perhaps they had a relationship that didn't work out so they got back on; perhaps they never took their profile down and haven't used it in months; perhaps some folks only like to use online dating sites for dating.


hi JB . I think some people are jsut serial dates and the internet makes it easy to be just that. The convenient excuse is always "I just haven't found/met someone"....which in some cases I "Get" but I've also known some to just find an excuse to serial date their way through as many people from the visually driven internet as possible.

I haven't responded because I actually liked her...until she dropped the Skype thing. Though I know I'm definitely not going to be going out with her again, it's jsut the effrontery that surprised me. In a way it feels a bit insulting that someone will tell you about being interested and skyping with another guy yet ask why you're not interested in them or going out again.


----------



## Jellybeans

aston said:


> I haven't responded because I actually liked her...until she dropped the Skype thing. Though I know I'm definitely not going to be going out with her again, it's jsut the effrontery that surprised me. In a way it feels a bit insulting that someone will tell you about being interested and skyping with another guy yet ask why you're not interested in them or going out again.


My guess is... she probably said it to make you jealous and make you want her more, if you thought there was a competition going on. Or she is keeping her options open. Either way, I can totally understand your point of view. If I were on a date with a guy I liked and he made a comment like that I probably wouldn't go out with him again. 

Next!


----------



## aston

Jellybeans said:


> My guess is... she probably said it to make you jealous and make you want her more, if you thought there was a competition going on. Or she is keeping her options open. Either way, I can totally understand your point of view. If I were on a date with a guy I liked and he made a comment like that I probably wouldn't go out with him again.
> 
> Next!


Exactly! It's one thing making light banter to step up the competition but there's a certain level of "decorum" to it.


----------



## Jellybeans

Oh I totally agree. She probably thought that if she could make you think other dudes were wanting on her, that you'd think of her as "high value" and want to compete for her. However, it appears your values don't fall in line with that and all it did was turn you off and made you see her as "low value." I personally am with you. When I go on dates with people, I don't want to hear about other dates they are going on. It turns me off and makes me lose interest fast. So when she messaged you again, she probably felt incredulous that you didn't want on her. What she did had the opposite effect of what she thought would happen! It's kind of funny in a way. :rofl:


----------



## Pluto2

I can't believe she sent you that second message. If she thought the two of you were so great together, then why didn't she reach out for a second date? Instead, she contacts you and calls you out for not doing what she wanted. Yuck. I think you should be lucky you dodged this one.


----------



## Jellybeans

Honestly I'd probably just tell her "I am not interested in dating people who are dating other people." 

Kapiche.


----------



## badcompany

Jellybeans said:


> Oh I totally agree. She probably thought that if she could make you think other dudes were wanting on her, that you'd think of her as "high value" and want to compete for her. However, it appears your values don't fall in line with that and all it did was turn you off and made you see her as "low value." I personally am with you. When I go on dates with people, I don't want to hear about other dates they are going on. It turns me off and makes me lose interest fast. So when she messaged you again, she probably felt incredulous that you didn't want on her. What she did had the opposite effect of what she thought would happen! It's kind of funny in a way. :rofl:


I don't like the "competition" game either. I want her, and I want to be wanted or take a walk.


----------



## bravenewworld

aston said:


> Needless to say, I went on a date after a few emails. She was so full of herself (Yale Ph.D) that she really thought she defecates ice cream! Even had the gumption to mention another guy she's been skyping with that she might be really interested in too. Date was over, I thanked her for a pleasant evening and didn't contact her again.
> 
> 4 Days later (yesterday) she sends me an email wondering why I never contacted her again, in addition to wondering why after such a pleasant evening.....and I quote her I "disappeared without a hint of interest".
> I'm thinking WTF? During our date you mentioned Skype guy and being very interested in him and you have the gumption to ask me why I'm not interested? I haven't responded yet but from my prior threads this is what I talk about......this whole cake eating crap from women. I don't get it!


Wow, reading that made my blood boil. How rude and crass to talk about other men when she's supposed to be getting to know you and enjoying your company. I see the main problem as her blatant insecurity. You were comfortable just being yourself, while she, obviously was not and had to start qualifying herself to you. She gave you the hard sell in quite a vulgar way. 

I think you would well be within your rights to respond with something like "Hi Miss Yale - While I enjoyed getting to know you and found you very attractive, the fact you spoke about other men during our date changed the dynamic from romantic to more of a friendship for me. When I'm on a date with someone I focus on getting to know them, rather than taking up time discussing other involvements. No harm, but I'm looking for someone who feels the same way. Thanks for taking the time to meet, wish you luck."

Honestly she needs to know how not ok and off-putting that behavior is!


----------



## Jellybeans

badcompany said:


> I don't like the "competition" game either. I want her, and I want to be wanted or take a walk.


This is how I feel, too. I want to be the only. 

Aston, if you wanted to you could tell her you are going on a date with another woman on Friday but if she's free Tuesday... LOL

Kidding.


----------



## aston

Jellybeans said:


> This is how I feel, too. I want to be the only.
> 
> Aston, if you wanted to you could tell her you are going on a date with another woman on Friday but if she's free Tuesday... LOL
> 
> Kidding.


HAHA now thats just mean lol. Then again I think I should! considering I have not even responded yet. Honestly *hit like this makes me really think up a good witty response! thats why I haven't responded yet.


----------



## aston

Jellybeans said:


> Oh I totally agree. She probably thought that if she could make you think other dudes were wanting on her, that you'd think of her as "high value" and want to compete for her. However, it appears your values don't fall in line with that and all it did was turn you off and made you see her as "low value." I personally am with you. When I go on dates with people, I don't want to hear about other dates they are going on. It turns me off and makes me lose interest fast. So when she messaged you again, she probably felt incredulous that you didn't want on her. What she did had the opposite effect of what she thought would happen! It's kind of funny in a way. :rofl:


Ironically the date started on a good note. When she brought it up I tried to "ignore" it and just carried on but it floored me internally.


----------



## YupItsMe

Don't tar all women with the same brush by overgeneralizing. It will effect your attitude in a bad way. She was an idiot. There are other idiots. So be it. Move on to something productive. Dating is an exploration. Kiss some toads. Its fun with the right attitude. Bad dates are great stories. I enjoyed your story. Keep chugging with a smile. Get your expectations in check with reality as in lower them a bit. Don't settle. Just lower expectations and enjoy yourself either way. you are getting out of the house. Dating can uncover friendships when chemistry isn't there. Its getting you out of the house and giving you perspective. 

NEXT!


----------



## aston

Pluto2 said:


> I can't believe she sent you that second message. If she thought the two of you were so great together, then why didn't she reach out for a second date? Instead, she contacts you and calls you out for not doing what she wanted. Yuck. I think you should be lucky you dodged this one.


Yes I think I dodged another bulllet on this one as well. Just makes you wonder sometimes...


----------



## aston

bravenewworld said:


> Wow, reading that made my blood boil. How rude and crass to talk about other men when she's supposed to be getting to know you and enjoying your company. I see the main problem as her blatant insecurity. You were comfortable just being yourself, while she, obviously was not and had to start qualifying herself to you. She gave you the hard sell in quite a vulgar way.
> 
> I think you would well be within your rights to respond with something like "Hi Miss Yale - While I enjoyed getting to know you and found you very attractive, the fact you spoke about other men during our date changed the dynamic from romantic to more of a friendship for me. When I'm on a date with someone I focus on getting to know them, rather than taking up time discussing other involvements. No harm, but I'm looking for someone who feels the same way. Thanks for taking the time to meet, wish you luck."
> 
> Honestly she needs to know how not ok and off-putting that behavior is!


I haven't responded yet cause stuff like this just throws you off for words! If I respond it has to be something of a virtual facepalm!


----------



## Jellybeans

aston said:


> Ironically the date started on a good not. When she brought it up I tried to "ignore" it and just carried on but it floored me internally.


Ah, red flags. Gotta love 'em. And why do we ALWAYS ignore them when we like someone? :rofl:


----------



## aston

Jellybeans said:


> Ah, red flags. Gotta love 'em. And why do we ALWAYS ignore them when we like someone? :rofl:


Cut me some slack  I was doing the benefit of doubt thing....and then she kept going on and on about it until I changed the topic.:scratchhead:


----------



## thunderstruck

Jellybeans said:


> She probably thought that if she could make you think other dudes were wanting on her, that you'd think of her as "high value" and want to compete for her.:


Truth. If she's attractive, she probably gets tons of attn at the online site. So...she wants to keep that going in the real world by reminding the guy sitting in front of her on a date that he better really impress her, b/c there is a line of other guys waiting for their chance.

NEXT.


----------



## bravenewworld

aston said:


> Cut me some slack  I was doing the benefit of doubt thing....and then she kept going on and on about it until I changed the topic.:scratchhead:


Not only insecure - but overly self-involved and narcissistic! Now that's a winning combo. 

I went on a date once with someone who seemed like a very nice guy but went on and on about every detail of his life - no matter how insignificant/boring. At the very end of the date he said, "Wow, I don't really feel like I got to know you."

Yea, no $hit! :rofl:


----------



## aston

thunderstruck said:


> Truth. If she's attractive, she probably gets tons of attn at the online site. So...she wants to keep that going in the real world by reminding the guy sitting in front of her on a date that he better really impress her, b/c there is a line of other guys waiting for their chance.
> 
> NEXT.


Yes she is very attractive (middle eastern mixed with north African and German)...in addition to being a fairly known pundit on media issues.
I think you're on to something with regards to the need to remind people how hot of a commodity she is.


----------



## aston

bravenewworld said:


> Not only insecure - but overly self-involved and narcissistic! Now that's a winning combo.
> 
> I went on a date once with someone who seemed like a very nice guy but went on and on about every detail of his life - no matter how insignificant/boring. At the very end of the date he said, "Wow, I don't really feel like I got to know you."
> 
> Yea, no $hit! :rofl:


HAHA you should have taken a mirror along to the date...for him lol


----------



## thunderstruck

aston said:


> Yes she is very attractive (middle eastern mixed with north African and German)...in addition to being a fairly known pundit on media issues.
> I think you're on to something with regards to the need to remind people how hot of a commodity she is.


The fact that she needed to remind you of that shows that she's insecure about it.

In my experience, drop dead gorgeous women generally have self-esteem issues. 

Note - I'm not saying all, so don't jump my azz if you don't agree. I'm stating my experience.


----------



## Jellybeans

aston said:


> Cut me some slack  I was doing the benefit of doubt thing....and then she kept going on and on about it until I changed the topic.:scratchhead:


Oh I am JUST as guilty as ignoring red flags. 
We all commit this silly act!



thunderstruck said:


> Truth. If she's attractive, she probably gets tons of attn at the online site. So...she wants to keep that going in the real world by reminding the guy sitting in front of her on a date that he better really impress her, b/c there is a line of other guys waiting for their chance.
> 
> NEXT.


Attractive or not, it was in poor taste, IMO. There are people who may not be that "attractive" who also have a major ego and woulda pulled the same sh*t. It speaks to their values/character.



bravenewworld said:


> I went on a date once with someone who seemed like a very nice guy but went on and on about every detail of his life - no matter how insignificant/boring. At the very end of the date he said, *"Wow, I don't really feel like I got to know you."*
> 
> Yea, no $hit! :rofl:


Ha. I would have said "You didn't." :rofl:


----------



## aston

thunderstruck said:


> The fact that she needed to remind you of that shows that she's insecure about it.
> 
> In my experience, drop dead gorgeous women generally have self-esteem issues.
> 
> Note - I'm not saying all, so don't jump my azz if you don't agree. I'm stating my experience.


I don't disagree with you at all. I've actually had dates in the past where I invited a woman over (yes she was drop dead gorgeous too lol) in the evening. Well she thought based on her experience I was inviting her over to hook up but I wasn't. Long story short at the end of the evening she thought I didn't find her attractive (among other things) because I didn't "make a move". It only aggravated me because I really was trying to play nice and gentlemanly, besides why do I have to be the one to make the move...especially since that wasn't why I invited her over. Long story she never spoke to me again LOL


----------



## Jellybeans

thunderstruck said:


> The fact that she needed to remind you of that shows that she's insecure about it.


Idk. I think maybe she thought he'd be more into her or she's into multi-dating. II's just different kind of folk, you know, operating styles. It wouldn't work for me at all. I would end the date there. 

Hi, Thunder! ::waves::


----------



## ThreeStrikes

I'm not getting the "cake eater" label of this thread.

You joined an on-line *dating* site.

It is naive to think that the person you are meeting for the first time isn't *dating* other people. Because he/she _is active _on an on-line *dating* site. 

Not everyone who is dating is looking for a LTR. Not everyone who is dating is looking for a monogamous relationship. Not everyone who is dating is like you.

I really don't get the derision towards the other woman in this story. You met, you didn't click, move one. 

How is she a cake eater?:scratchhead:


----------



## Jellybeans

ThreeStrikes said:


> It is naive to think that the person you are meeting for the first time isn't *dating* other people. Because he/she _is active _on an on-line *dating* site.


Well you are right about that.


----------



## thunderstruck

Jellybeans said:


> Idk. I think maybe she thought he'd be more into her or she's into multi-dating.


Good point. She may have been indirectly trying to see what he thought about multi-dating.


Jellybeans said:


> It wouldn't work for me at all. I would end the date there.
> 
> Hi, Thunder! ::waves::


I wouldn't end it there, but I would have messed with her - "You skype, too? Awesome. After I drop you off tonight, I'm going to skype my favorite p**n actress."

Hello JB!


----------



## Jellybeans

thunderstruck said:


> I wouldn't end it there, but I would have messed with her - "You skype, too? Awesome. After I drop you off tonight, I'm going to skype my favorite p**n actress."
> 
> Hello JB!


LOL :rofl:

Or simply "You skype too? I have a Skype date set up tomorrow, too!"


----------



## working_together

I have a friend of mine (a widow), she lost her husband about 4 years ago. Anyway, she recently went on a dating site, and was chatting with a guy who seemed interested in her. He gave her his phone number and asked her to call him. She did, twice when he didn't call her back ( a big no). He then closed his profile. She was a bit like wtf? I told her that it's a freaking game for some people, and he either wasn't into her, or met someone else. 

I once went on a date with a guy (dating site) who chewed gum the entire time while talking about his ex wife. It was horrible, and then he texted me later that evening saying he had a really good time..lol really? because you did all the talking dumb ass.


----------



## Another Planet

working_together said:


> I have a friend of mine (a widow), she lost her husband about 4 years ago. Anyway, she recently went on a dating site, and was chatting with a guy who seemed interested in her. He gave her his phone number and asked her to call him. She did, twice when he didn't call her back ( a big no). He then closed his profile. She was a bit like wtf? I told her that it's a freaking game for some people, and he either wasn't into her, or met someone else.
> 
> *I once went on a date with a guy (dating site) who chewed gum the entire time while talking about his ex wife. It was horrible, and then he texted me later that evening saying he had a really good time..lol really? because you did all the talking dumb ass.:rolleyes*:


Sounds like my last date... but it was me who was the chatty one. It was not good and I didn't want to deal with awkward silence because she wasn't talking no matter how much I tried to instigate. Normally I would just get up and leave but she was nice and I was trying to hang on to it... BOMBED everything lol. Even opening the door at the restaurant I messed up. It was really bad. Makes me cringe just thinking about it.


----------



## thunderstruck

Another Planet said:


> ... BOMBED everything lol.
> 
> Makes me cringe just thinking about it.


Easy for me to say b/c I'm on the sidelines (married), but in these situations I would always keep in mind that we're both probably going to be nervous. She'll either be silent, or talk my ear off. Dumb shyte will probably be said by both. Also, I wouldn't judge too much by the first date. I had a few that were awful, but then went on to have good relationships. 

Self-deprecating and/or smart azz jokes can help ease the tension. Like the skype chick...mess with her, and you can possibly learn a lot. If she laughs or messes with you back, you may have a keeper. I absolutely love it when a woman gives me hell with playful comments.

If she gets all butthurt over silly jokes, NEXT.


----------



## Jellybeans

working_together said:


> I once went on a date with a guy (dating site) who chewed gum the entire time while talking about his ex wife. It was horrible, and then he texted me later that evening saying he had a really good time..lol really? because you did all the talking dumb ass.


:rofl:


----------



## Aerith

Jellybeans said:


> Honestly I'd probably just tell her "I am not interested in dating people who are dating other people."
> 
> Kapiche.


It was a first date - how can anyone demand or expect exclusivity at the first date? But it was really not ethical to mention other men...

From my experience of online dating (really unsuccessful) all men asked me how many men i met through the dating website and shared with me their dating experience... Maybe they dud reaserch for a book? and collected statistics?

Should i mention that my first dates were my last dates?


----------



## Another Planet

Aerith said:


> It was a first date - how can anyone demand or expect exclusivity at the first date? But it was really not ethical to mention other men...
> 
> From my experience of online dating (really unsuccessful) all men asked me how many men i met through the dating website and shared with me their dating experience... Maybe they dud reaserch for a book? and collected statistics?
> 
> Should i mention that my first dates were my last dates?


Yeah my profile just says looking for friends...which is true because I really don't like the blind dating and the handful i've been on sucked anyway. I have made quite a few great friendships out of it though, we just email and text or call but haven't met...probably going to stay that way.
eghh just thinking about having to go on blind dates urks me


----------



## aston

ThreeStrikes said:


> I'm not getting the "cake eater" label of this thread.
> 
> You joined an on-line *dating* site.
> 
> It is naive to think that the person you are meeting for the first time isn't *dating* other people. Because he/she _is active _on an on-line *dating* site.
> 
> Not everyone who is dating is looking for a LTR. Not everyone who is dating is looking for a monogamous relationship. Not everyone who is dating is like you.
> 
> I really don't get the derision towards the other woman in this story. You met, you didn't click, move one.
> 
> How is she a cake eater?:scratchhead:


Google the meaning of "cake eater" lol. More importantly, while I understand that anyone on a dating site is there for a reason, it's a decency issue. The need to "announce" the fact that you're talking to other people is tolerable, but to go on continuously about your interest in them is simply rude and unacceptable. This is just common sense.

Have you beein in bed with a partner and he/she tells you (in the middle of the action) how they are also screwing someone else they might really be interested in? Analogically speaking that is.

On a date, this kind of behavior is not only rude but also arrogant. To not see this as such simply beffudles me....now I'm scratching my head at your attempt to justify it in some sense.:scratchhead:

Yes it's a dating site, yes I'm also talking to other people. However, I don't feel the need to announce it to my date or go on continuously on my interest level or reasons why I might be really interested in the other person(s) I'm talking to. Then a few days later text the same person wondering why they didn't follow up after the date or express any further interest. Again, rude, arrogant, inconsiderate and worst of all just plain tasteless.


----------



## aston

Aerith said:


> It was a first date - how can anyone demand or expect exclusivity at the first date? But it was really not ethical to mention other men...
> 
> From my experience of online dating (really unsuccessful) all men asked me how many men i met through the dating website and shared with me their dating experience... Maybe they dud reaserch for a book? and collected statistics?
> 
> Should i mention that my first dates were my last dates?


If you read the entire thread you'll see that this isn't about exclusivity. This is about decency, courtesy and more importantly respect and dating etiquette. Anyone who goes on a first date of course knows each party is more than likely dating other people. But to go on and on about others you're interested in and things you like about the person etc is just plain rude! I find it interesting how people try to justify such actions.

I don't care that you date other people, *I just don't care to know the details on the first date.*......it's a first date......show some class, it's tasteless behavior to go on and on about that. Yes we can share experiences but you talk about your interest in other people and shared skype experiences, plans etc I really don't care to know.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

OP, I don't think you owe her any reply at all. I think the discussion was rude regarding the Skype and if she was harping on her education as well, and also her follow-up was very me-centered, not much concern about you going on there anywhere that I can see.

I'd just ignore the email follow-up and block her from your on-line profile, and click on that box that's usually there to indicate you don't want her profile to show up in your searches. 

On-line dating doesn't have rules like the social ones that apply if she had been introduced to you by a friend, or friend of a friend...you don't really know much about her at all, other than she was rude. I don't think you owe her any courtesies not even the one that entails a white lie as to why you won't be seeing her again. Just move on. 

Even if she's not intentionally yanking your chain, what's the difference, she's still yanking it. You want to waste your downtime and other resources to investigate and explain the behavior, or you want to cast that fishing line out again and see if you can haul in something more to your liking? 

The worst she can say about you after you don't reply is that you were rude, and like, so what? If she tells someone about it, chances are even if they nod their head and say what a jerk you must be, inside they'll be thinking, ummmmmm, there's probably more to this story than ego-B*tch here is telling.


----------



## Jellybeans

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Even if she's not intentionally yanking your chain, what's the difference, she's still yanking it.


:iagree:


----------



## aston

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> OP, I don't think you owe her any reply at all. I think the discussion was rude regarding the Skype and if she was harping on her education as well, and also her follow-up was very me-centered, not much concern about you going on there anywhere that I can see.
> 
> I'd just ignore the email follow-up and block her from your on-line profile, and click on that box that's usually there to indicate you don't want her profile to show up in your searches.
> 
> On-line dating doesn't have rules like the social ones that apply if she had been introduced to you by a friend, or friend of a friend...you don't really know much about her at all, other than she was rude. I don't think you owe her any courtesies not even the one that entails a white lie as to why you won't be seeing her again. Just move on.
> 
> Even if she's not intentionally yanking your chain, what's the difference, she's still yanking it. You want to waste your downtime and other resources to investigate and explain the behavior, or you want to cast that fishing line out again and see if you can haul in something more to your liking?
> 
> The worst she can say about you after you don't reply is that you were rude, and like, so what? If she tells someone about it, chances are even if they nod their head and say what a jerk you must be, inside they'll be thinking, ummmmmm, there's probably more to this story than ego-B*tch here is telling.


Exactly! I didn't bother responding and I've already scheduled a date next week monday with another cutie......at the same Ethiopian restaurant I took ego-*itch to LOL. It must be the food :lol: I'm the black Sarkozy (speedy Sarko) lol


----------



## thunderstruck

aston said:


> scheduled a date next week monday with another cutie......at the same Ethiopian restaurant I took ego-*itch to LOL.


TXT her now, and tell her to not make any skype comments on the 1st date.:redcard:


----------



## aston

thunderstruck said:


> TXT her now, and tell her to not make any skype comments on the 1st date.:redcard:


Grounds for a beheading LOL. :rofl:


----------

