# Very fast turn-around



## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

I made a thread with the long version. The short version: me and wife married for almost 8 years, together for 9. Last Saturday, after I asked her why we seemed to be drifting a bit apart, she tells me that she "loves me but she's not in love with me" and that she wants me to leave. I beg and plead and promise to make it up to her. A few days pass and me, being very unpatient, ask for an update. This was a huge mistake. She again asks me to leave and this time I agree. I sit at a hotel for a couple of days and tell her I need to come by to pick up a few of my things. When I get there, she serves me with divorce papers. I sign, tell her some very nasty things (I was pissed and hurt) and leave.

All the while, she swears up and down that there isn't anyone else, that she's been married twice now and has just "given up on marriage". She says she just wants to be alone now. I don't really buy that, but why would she lie to me about that? I mean she's told me things like "I just don't love you anymore" "I don't want you" "I want you to be happy, but it just can't be with me" after I tried to reason with her....says that there's nothing I can do to change her mind. And the reason she waited so long to tell me anything was wrong in the first place was because she "thought things would get better" and also she claimed to be sparing my feelings. 

Reading all these posts on here makes me very suspicious, though. Just about every case that played out like mine involved a third party. None of the "usual signs" were there, but I wasn't exactly looking for them, either. When she had to work late, the hours were accounted for on her paycheck. Other than that, she didn't really ever go anywhere else. We had transparency in our marriage and she even gave me access to her facebook page (I think she recently changed her info, though) 

I mean, honestly, I'm not even sure I want to know, but the thought keeps racing through my mind. Does it even matter at this point? She's gone and no matter how much I try to reason with her, she's not coming back. I just keep holding on for hope of some kind of reconciliation. This was all just too sudden. A week and a half ago, I'm thinking life is great. Fast forward to now and it's in complete shambles. The worst part about all of this is she doesn't even care. She told me she doesn't miss me at all (my wife used to be very clingy. I left for not even a week to visit family and she made me feel guilty for going by saying things like, "Please come back home!" and the like) and is very rude when she talks to me now. She used to be so sweet. She seemingly changed over night.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Oy. Sorry you are here, man. 

Sounds like an MLC with OM in the midst. She's deep in something - her reactions indicate it. 

Workplace affair?

I for one would want to know, but that's just me. 

What exactly did you sign (without consulting a lawyer first)?

Now for the all caps..

NEVER LEAVE THE HOME! Why should YOU be the one to leave? She wants out, then let her go out. Please speak with a lawyer.


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

Well, see that's the problem. It was her house...technically her parents'. I moved in with her. To be honest, the only reason I even left was because I figured she'd change her mind about the separation after a few hours. The hours turned to days with no contact, then the next time we see each other, she throws divorce papers in my face.

EDIT: Update
just talked to her on the phone. She still sings the same tune and claims the reason she is being so nasty to me now is because of the hurtful things I said to her after I signed the divorce papers. Like what she's done to me isn't hurtful! And honestly, what did she expect? She's been leading me on for at least a year, then when she finally gets up the nerve to tell me something is wrong, it's apparently already too late. She did open up a bit more this time, though. Seemed a little more reasonable. But, I still think there's something more to this story than what she's telling me. Things just don't add up.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I'd be willing to bet there's someone else


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

Maybe it's a woman :smthumbup:

Wouldn't really matter...I won't be getting any of that action.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

If you read about the Walk Away Wife syndrome there isn't always OM. Sometimes a WAW falls in love with the idea of "freedom" - she convinces herself that all her problems will be solved if only she can be on her own and free. I think, however, that part of that fantasy is about finding some fantasy man "who will really love me". That's even harder to combat than an actual affair. 

My WAW fell in love with the idea of freedom - but she had a man waiting in the wings to be her knight in shining armour. Started seeing him about 5 minutes after dropping the D bomb on me.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

"My WAW fell in love with the idea of freedom - but she had a man waiting in the wings to be her knight in shining armour."

Volt, how is that not an OM?


Hank_Rea,

Whether it's just her or it's Thelma and Louise or Thelma and Louis, she has really turned on you quickly. What did you sign and what do you want at this point? No kids in the picture (right?) so that makes things less complicated.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

staystrong said:


> "My WAW fell in love with the idea of freedom - but she had a man waiting in the wings to be her knight in shining armour."
> 
> Volt, how is that not an OM?


It's worse than an OM - its the fantasy of an OM without the reality of a real relationship. 

I try not to think about it (because I have obsessed about it in the past and that doesn't help me to detach) but I think that the real life relationship is not quite living up to the fantasy. But maybe that's just wishful thinking.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

hank_rea said:


> I beg and plead and promise to make it up to her.


Never beg and plead. It's weak and pathetic and no woman wants to stay with a guy like that. They want strong, independent, protective. She's already got one foot out the door, probably halfway into another guy's bed and you're doing nothing to bolster your case. This ruins any chance of her having a change of mind but it's never too late to man up and be strong, you never know.



hank_rea said:


> Well, see that's the problem. It was her house...technically her parents'. I moved in with her.





hank_rea said:


> When I get there, she serves me with divorce papers. I sign


You made it your problem when it wasn't your problem. So what it's "technically hers". You're married, you've been living there, you have rights. You buckled and folded and conveniently got right out of her way and even worse... you signed the freaking divorce papers on the spot?? What the heck were you thinking? This is a life changing decision and you don't even mull it over for a few days or seek counseling with a qualified attorney?

I sure hope there aren't any assets or children involved because I'll bet those papers are totally skewed in her favor. 



hank_rea said:


> All the while, she swears up and down that there isn't anyone else, that she's been married twice now and has just "given up on marriage". She says she just wants to be alone now. I don't really buy that, but why would she lie to me about that?


All cheaters lie. Why do they lie? Beyond the scope of this thread and not really relevant to your situation so I won't get into that here but suffice it to say that her word is meaningless.


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

No children, no assets. Just an "amicable split"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

hank_rea said:


> No children, no assets. Just an "amicable split"


Did you read through the papers or just whip out the pen in a fit of anger and scratch out your signature in a huff, to make the point that you just don't care?

You were married 8 years. 

Better read them again.

Just to be sure you weren't signing something that might cause you grief. 

Such as giving her whatever remains in joint bank accounts, paying off her debt, paying spousal support or giving her part of your retirement plan, that sort of thing.


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

Maybe it's another case of me being her biatch. She wanted out, I didn't want to try and force her to stay with me so we could end up miserable like my parents (or at least my mother). The only problem is that divorce is the last thing I want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

hank_rea said:


> Maybe it's another case of me being her biatch. She wanted out, I didn't want to try and force her to stay with me so we could end up miserable like my parents (or at least my mother). The only problem is that divorce is the last thing I want.


The only problem is you're doing everything she demands of you- pretty much when she wants it.

You aren't taking any time to consider your options and the ramifications of your decisions.

If the divorce paperwork is clean, neat, and fair then you're ok, except that you've been forced out of your home after 8 years with only a few days notice all because your soon to be exwife said 'I want out, you're gone!'. 

She's saying "jump", and you're saying "when and how high".

I agree that the marriage is most likely over and no reason to stay with a person that doesn't want to be with you but I do question how easily you acquiese to her demands. 

No reason you have to move at her pace.


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

You know, at the time, part of me was actually relieved to see those papers. At least now I knew that trying to "make it up to her" with dinners, gifts, massages, etc was pointless. Maybe this swift kick in the balls is for the best; the alternative would have probably just prolonged my suffering.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

hank_rea said:


> You know, at the time, part of me was actually relieved to see those papers. At least now I knew that trying to "make it up to her" with dinners, gifts, massages, etc was pointless. Maybe this swift kick in the balls is for the best; the alternative would have probably just prolonged my suffering.


Nothing wrong with getting out of a bad marriage as quickly and cheaply as possible and walking away with your dignity and self esteem relatively intact.

Just make sure you're covered legally.

Marriage is a legal contract and breaking that contract sometimes can be tricky.


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

Well, today is the first day since my wife asked me to leave that I haven't completely felt like crap. I have a job interview in the morning, made a Facebook account and saw a bunch of people I forgot I even knew, and made a match.com account....just because. I hardly even thought about the stbxw all day. That will probably change at bedtime, but at least I'm slowly making progress. 

I think. lol


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

hank_rea said:


> Maybe it's another case of me being her biatch. She wanted out, I didn't want to try and force her to stay with me so we could end up miserable like my parents (or at least my mother). The only problem is that divorce is the last thing I want.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then don't pay for it.

And, expose her affair.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

hank_rea said:


> I have a job interview in the morning


Why are you going on a job interview now?

Have you not been working the entire length of the marriage?



hank_rea said:


> made a match.com account


A bit early for the dating world.



Conrad said:


> And, expose her affair.


He's gotta find one first.


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

Yes, I have been working. But, I'm probably going to have to relocate to the Atlanta area since our marriage didn't work out. I can't afford hotel rooms every night. As far as the match.com goes, yeah I know I'm not ready for another relationship yet, but it never hurts to just let the world know I'm out in the wild again.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

I was also thinking that if she makes more than you, you could file a petition for support.

Especially since you have to incur a hardship of relocating.

Might be too late if you signed papers, then again maybe not.

Have you actually read them?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Ah yes. This situation is a little more complicated than the typical one. OP and his wife have an interracial marriage, and the OP is living in his wife's hometown of Savannah, GA. Also, the wife has not brought her husband around to meet the rest of her family. It's hard to say if there is an OM or not, but my gut tells me that the wife does not want to live with the drama of being in a mixed marriage and dealing with a family that I believe is not accepting of the marriage due to the race of the OM. That's my take on it. His other thread is in the "considering divorce forum".


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Ah yes. This situation is a little more complicated than the typical one. OP and his wife have an interracial marriage, and the OP is living in his wife's hometown of Savannah, GA. Also, the wife has not brought her husband around to meet the rest of her family. It's hard to say if there is an OM or not, but my gut tells me that the wife does not want to live with the drama of being in a mixed marriage and dealing with a family that I believe is not accepting of the marriage due to the race of the OM. That's my take on it. His other thread is in the "considering divorce forum".


She claims that's just a small part of it. The main issue she has with me according to her is that I made her feel unwanted. 

And just when I think I'm making a bit of progress, I have several dreams about her tonight. Man, this is hell, and if it's not hell, it's worse.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

hank_rea said:


> She claims that's just a small part of it. The main issue she has with me according to her is that I made her feel unwanted.
> 
> And just when I think I'm making a bit of progress, I have several dreams about her tonight. Man, this is hell, and if it's not hell, it's worse.


I can see why she would say that. I have no idea if she's telling you the truth or not. But admitting to something like this would be similar to admitting to cheating on your spouse. Very few people would outright admit to doing either of these.

I guess I find it odd that she would insist on moving back next to her family, yet you and the family were kept separate from each other. 

But to shift gears, what did you do that made her believe that you no longer wanted her? I recall she wanted to get pregnant and you nixed that. What specifically is she using as proof of your crimes against her?


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

Her biggest gripes with me were:

-I didn't spend enough time with her
-I never wanted to do the things she wanted to do
-The relationship was all about me
-I got mad when she would want to go visit her family

Seems like really small, easy to fix stuff and that's what kills me about this. If she would have just opened up to me about these things and let me know how serious they actually were, I definitely would have changed. She just gave up. From what I recall this isn't her first time doing something like this, either (maybe that's why it's so easy for her) Her first husband she left after 7 years because she "just wasn't happy".


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

The problem is rarely where people say it is.


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

Update:
So, I was supposed to go back and put in my two weeks notice at my job today. Take the four hour trip down to Savannah and go into hostile territory. I told her yesterday that I was going to need to stay with her these two weeks because I couldn't afford to pay for a hotel every night (not entirely true, but by law we are still married...luckily I didn't have to go there) She reluctantly agrees but sets some ground rules. I am under no circumstances to go into her room. She thinks I'll try to "get with her". lol I agree and make it clear that I'll be on the couch. 

That was yesterday. Today, when I woke up I had a very strong feeling of dread. I just DID NOT want to go back to that house. I got a suggestion that I just call my job up and ask to resign. That way I don't leave on bad terms and I can use the experience that I had there as a reference. Best of all, I wouldn't need to leave here. So, I did just that and I'm a lot happier. The happiest I've been since this whole ordeal started, in fact. I text her and simply say, "I ain't coming". She texts back, "Why not?" I don't answer. She texts me again and I don't answer her. She then makes a comment about sending the rest of my stuff to me at my parents' house. I simply reply "OK". She texts me again saying she'd need to send it a box at a time because she couldn't afford to send it all at once. Again, I simply reply with "OK". Finally, she asks, "Are you really not coming?" At first, I thought to not reply, but I didn't really see what good that would do, so I simply replied with "No." She then aswers back "OK". 

I feel a little better now. At least now I won't have to see her. That would have been very difficult.


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

It's time to finally stop talking about moving on and actually do it. I'm just making myself miserable. My stbxw says she sent my copy of the divorce papers out on Monday. It's Friday and I still haven't gotten them (she lives 4 hours away in the same state) So I texted her and asked when exactly she sent out the papers. After that I should have just left it alone, but then I asked her if she was off from work this weekend and if she had plans. Well, it all went downhill from there. I just completely poured my heart out to her. Told her that I didn't deserve to be treated this way and that we had 8 good years with 1 bad. I asked her why she was just focusing on the negative and acting as if the whole marriage was horrible. She just says she doesn't want to be with me anymore. Reading that was like a dagger to the heart. She says she's being b##chy to me so I will "leave her alone and get on with my life". I tell her that she was my life and that's it's very insensitive of her to suggest this. She just reiterates the fact that she just doesn't love me anymore. Again, very painful to read. 

I know I need to just walk away, but I don't know if I can. I certainly can't take much more of reading or hearing her say she doesn't love me, but I just can't NOT contact her. I just have no will power. This is so pathetic. I really wish someone could Men In Black her out of my memory.


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

So, here's another update. Maybe someone will read. Maybe not. Tomorrow is our 8th anniversary. The divorce is supposed to go through in abou 3 weeks. Received my copy of the divorce papers in the mail yesterday. I keep hoping she'll call me and say that she changed her mind, but she appears to be perfectly happy with me out of her life. That's what bothers me so much about this. I'm here in hell and she's completely unphased. She's probably relieved to have me gone. I really wish I could stop these strong feelings I have for her, but after 9 years, they're not just going to vanish overnight. 

She texted me this morning and asked if I received the papers yet. I simply said "yeah" to which she replied "k". That was that. I was so tempted to say more, but resisted. All I can think about is her and the thought of her with someone else is just too much for me. She swears up and down that there isn't another man...that she just wanted to be alone, but I just can't buy that at all. She once told me that she would rather die than be alone again. Now, all of a sudden she's perfectly fine not having anyone in her life. I smell bullsh**, but I honestly do not WANT to know. It's pretty much irrelevant at this point and it will only cause me further pain to find out that there is indeed another man in the picture.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Stay the course!

Hang in there it gets better.


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

Yesterday was our anniversary. I get a text from her saying that she's going to send the divorce hearing summons to my current address since she didn't know what it was at the time she filed the papers (they sent the summons to her). I lost it. I told her that I wasn't going to let her do this to me and that I was going to contest the divorce. She immediately tried to call me and I didn't answer. I just kept the conversation going through texts. I told her that I didn't appreciate her listing the reason for our divorce being that the marriage was "irrepairably broken" because she didn't even give us a chance to try and fix the marriage. Remember, I get the ILYBNILWY speech, separation, and divorce papers all within the span of a week! I told her that she was selfish. She asked me to please talk to her. I said I had nothing else to say and that I'd see her in court.

Mind you, I honestly had no intention of contesting anything, but I just wanted to mess with her head. I wound up texting her and saying I was ready to talk and that I'd call her later. She said she's out with her parents and that she'd let me know when she got home. About 6 hours later, she texts me saying she's home and called a few times. I deliberately took my time getting to her. I didn't actually call her back until around 4 hours after her "I'm home" text. We had a nice talk and she admitted that the way she had been treating me has been wrong. I told her that I wasn't going to contest the divorce because I'd be doing it out of spite and nothing more. I told her that she will have to answer to God for what she's done. We then talked about some things from the past and it honestly felt like we were back during more pleasant times. It was very nice. 

She was probably sucking up to me because I threatened to contest, and I told her that I deserved to be with someone who would love me as much as I love them. She agreed. I then told her that if this is really what she wants, to go through with the divorce, then she and I are done. I don't want to talk to her on the phone anymore, no more texts, nothing. She didn't really say anything but again made sure that I wasn't going to contest her divorcing me. I told her I wasn't and hung up. 

Finally feels like I have some sense of closure. Don't get me wrong, I definitely still want my wife back, but I now feel like I can finally begin the healing process. Will this change in a day or two? Probably. But for now at least, I feel almost at peace.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

You better get a Lawyer. 

I see red flags.


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

Oh great. If you have the time, please elaborate. I actually thought things went well.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

hank_rea said:


> I told her that she will have to answer to God for what she's done.


What has she done?

She fell out of love with you and wants a divorce.

More than half of marriages end in divorce, do all of us divorced people that wanted out of our marriages have to answer to god as well?

Stop messing with her and let her go so you can get on with your life. 

She doesn't owe you anything.


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

totamm said:


> What has she done?
> 
> She fell out of love with you and wants a divorce.
> 
> ...


She strung me along for almost a year and then when she finally comes clean she doesn't even give me, no she doesn't give US a chance to try and work things out. She tells me how she truly feels on Saturday, I admittedly shouldn't have prodded her any further, but a few days later I asked for an update. At which point she said we needed time apart so she could think. I'm thinking ok, I leave for a while and come back and we try to work things out. No. Two days later she hands me divorce papers. Not even a week prior, I thought we had a pretty damn good marriage. 

She was deceptive and in my opinion quite cruel with how she handled this. Then, when I try and contact her, she is very rude and nasty to me. What have I done to deserve this? She just turned her back on me. How do you do that to someone who you know cares deeply for you? I would have never done this to her. If something was bothering me so much that I felt it was putting our marriage in jeopardy I would have definitely said something, and I wouldn't have sugar-coated it. I wouldn't have let it fester until it completely ate away at my love for my wife. I'm not saying I was perfect, but at least I was always honest.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

That sux more than likely there may be another man in the backround. I'm sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

She won't admit to it. Believing her is difficult, though. All you guys are probably right.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Ok she was cruel, deceptive, unfair, and didn't give the marriage a chance, she broke her marital vows and she wants as little to do with you as possible. She's probably cheating on you.

You're angry at her, you didn't deserve this, it's not FAIR!

Life isn't fair, and despite the legal obligations of marriage, your wife is legally entitled to move on with her life in any manner she sees fit as long as she doesn't break any laws.

You can either give her the divorce, fight her every step of the way, mess with her head (while messing with your own head as well), or anything in between.

In the end, she'll be gone and be nothing more than a rapidly fading memory. Better sooner than later. Besides, you said you already signed the papers. 

So what's left to fight about?

You already know the answer.

Nothing.


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

^^^^
You're right. And I know I should just let her go, but I can't. Not yet.


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

And again, just when I think I'm getting better, then comes the night. I hate bed time now. All of those feelings and emotions just come rushing to my head and I can't sleep. And when I do sleep I dream about her. It's funny, when we were together and "happy" I hardly ever dreamed about my wife.


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

I tried to walk away from this site, because honestly, reading all of these horrible stories was only making me feel worse. I really don't have anywhere else to turn, though. I don't think I can afford counseling at the moment and no one in my personal circle can fathom what I'm going through. 

So, I see the stbxw's new facebook page on Friday night and it just sets me off. She has her hair all dolled up and make-up on and it was taken just a day prior. She has been swearing up and down that there isn't anyone else and that she has no interest in attracting anyone else, so why is she looking like she's on the prowl? To clarify, my stbxw was hardly what you'd call "glamorous". Most of the time, she would be in jeans and a t-shirt and have her hair tied back in a ponytail. Usually didn't wear make-up, either. 

I know I shouldn't even be looking at her facebook page...it just makes me revert to feeling sad and lonely, but this time it was by accident. I don't know what I wanted to prove, but I confronted her about the picture. She said that her brother and sister-in-law took her out for her birthday...dinner and a movie. She told me that just because she didn't want me anymore it doesn't mean that she wants someone else. She says she's fine by herself. This is a woman who at one time told me she would rather die than be alone again. We then got into a war of words (texts) I know that none of this is helpful to my recovery, but I just could not help myself. I really need to start fasting again...build up my will power. I said things to her like I doubt I ever really loved her, that I was just in love with the stability of being in a relationship and my job and her house. And other things. She said that she knows I was just trying to hurt her, but it wasn't working. She then told me that she wouldn't respond to me anymore. I continued typing things anyway. Very childish and stupid, I know, but again...couldn't help myself.

I called her up and apologized the next morning (yesterday) and thanked her for continuing to talk to me even though I've been acting like such a jerk. And again, to no avail, I tried to reach out one last time and see if she might reconsider this divorce. She, of course, says no....not changing her mind. I ask her to please try to remember the man she fell in love with because he's still here. I then bring up some very fond memories I had and a few that she admittedly didn't even remember. I then told her that I wanted my J****-Poo (my nickname for her) back and hung up the phone. 

I feel better that I apologized and ended things on a more positive note, but I still wish she wasn't going through with this. I know I need to move on and definitely need to be in some kind of therapy, but I feel like this is just too much for me to take. I just want the pain to stop.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

the quicker this is behind you the quicker you will heal.


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

jfv said:


> the quicker this is behind you the quicker you will heal.


I know. And in my situation, it should be easier to detatch. I don't have to see or speak to her...at all. We live 4 hours away from each other. I'm the one who is choosing to hold on. She certainly doesn't seem to have any trouble detatching from me. She tells me she doesn't miss me at all and doesn't have any regrets. Maybe it's my ego or just false hope, but I just can't believe that. It's the only reason I can't just let her go. Then again, if she really had lingering feelings for me, would she really be pushing me away like this?


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## The Count (Aug 14, 2011)

I've had the Facebook thing done to me as well. About two days after we split my wife was posing with this new hairstyle, full makeup on, provocative poses, the whole works. And having her friends make oblique comments about "ooh, we know who that's for, wink, wink, nudge, nudge". 

And let me tell you my friend, it's all crap. Oh, it's true enough now, she's all lost in her lovely little fantasy world where she can indulge herself in all those passions and all that freedom, and all that happiness that you, and you alone, were denying her. 

I will practically guarantee you that in six months time, when reality kicks in, and believe me it always kicks in, when her freedom and fantasies have been proven to be insubstantial smoke, utterly meaningless and with no foundation, then that is the time her life will dissolve into the complete dysfunctional mess it always was. 

And guess who she'll try and reconnect with? 

By then, you'll have moved on and the power will reside with you as you'll be utterly indifferent. See, because you never wanted to split, your journey will be very different. It will be a search for an authentic, genuine and real life for yourself based on your needs and your priorities and in complete alignment with who you really are. 

Hers was always a bunch of illusory crap, based on absolutely nothing but some infantile fantasy and a sense of entitlement about things she's done nothing to earn. 

Trust me, you'll have the last laugh eventually, but you need to consign her to the dustbin of history. What she does or doesn't do should in no way shape or form have an affect on your own sense of self worth. When nothing she does has any effect on you anymore, when you can truly say you are happy on your own terms, in your own space, in the life you've fought to create, then there's nothing either she, or any future woman, can do to bring you down ever again. Make yourself the King of your own life. You can do it my man.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

hank_rea said:


> I know. And in my situation, it should be easier to detatch. I don't have to see or speak to her...at all. We live 4 hours away from each other. I'm the one who is choosing to hold on. She certainly doesn't seem to have any trouble detatching from me. She tells me she doesn't miss me at all and doesn't have any regrets. Maybe it's my ego or just false hope, but I just can't believe that. It's the only reason I can't just let her go. Then again, if she really had lingering feelings for me, would she really be pushing me away like this?


Contacting her, the apology, etc.... all just interpreted by her as unattractive neediness.

Leaving it on a "good note" merely reinforces her.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

What you need to do now is to concentrate on you. Are there interests or hobbies that you neglected during your marriage? Take them up again. Is there a gym or rec center where you can exercise? Are there friends or family that you can re-connect with? The point is to occupy your time so you are not tempted to look at her Facebook page. Spring is coming. Work on creating a new hank rea who has moved forward with his life.


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

Thank you all for your replies. I'm glad I came back here. You guys are probably the only ones who can help me because you have a good idea what I'm going through. Rather than just coming here to cry and moan about how I'm so sad and lonely I think it's high time I started actually listening to the advice being given to me. Wish me luck, friends. My journey officially starts today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

hank_rea said:


> Thank you all for your replies. I'm glad I came back here. You guys are probably the only ones who can help me because you have a good idea what I'm going through. Rather than just coming here to cry and moan about how I'm so sad and lonely I think it's high time I started actually listening to the advice being given to me. Wish me luck, friends. My journey officially starts today.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hank,

It's a process.

Over time - no matter how it turns out (if you stay the course) - you'll end up thanking her for this opportunity to find yourself.


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

So, yeah, April 1 was her birthday. I didn't call her or text her that day (the last time we spoke she kind of told me not to anyway) She still has some of my stuff at her house and she said that she would be sending it to me periodically (a little every paycheck she gets) We never really talked about the specifics, so I sent her a text last night confirming that she was still going to do that and asking when I could expect the first package. She said she would send the first one tomorrow (today). I replied "Ok" and that was it. Didn't even mention her birthday. I wonder if she got upset.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

hank_rea said:


> So, yeah, April 1 was her birthday. I didn't call her or text her that day (the last time we spoke she kind of told me not to anyway) She still has some of my stuff at her house and she said that she would be sending it to me periodically (a little every paycheck she gets) We never really talked about the specifics, so I sent her a text last night confirming that she was still going to do that and asking when I could expect the first package. She said she would send the first one tomorrow (today). I replied "Ok" and that was it. Didn't even mention her birthday. I wonder if she got upset.


Who cares?

Truly, once you've been fired, who cares?


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

Again, you're right. Man, how do you guys get to be so damn tough?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

hank_rea said:


> Again, you're right. Man, how do you guys get to be so damn tough?


Experience

It's the best teacher.


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

So, this 180 thing...amazing concept, but I have some serious roadblocks. Says you should go out more, do stuff...ok. But, I'm unemployed and have very little money. Says you should reconnect with old friends....ok. I don't have any friends. Hobbies? Meh...not really terribly interested in anything. So, basically all I can do right now is sit around....maybe do some push-ups and sit-ups. Ride the treadmill. What else am I supposed to do with all this free time (hell)?


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

One step at a time. You should definitely be focused on getting a job first. Walking around your neighborhood is free, and you might meet new people there. See if there is a meetup group in your area:

Find Meetup groups near you - Meetup

Look for volunteer opportunities in your area. You could meet people there and also network for job openings.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

hank_rea said:


> So, this 180 thing...amazing concept, but I have some serious roadblocks. Says you should go out more, do stuff...ok. But, I'm unemployed and have very little money. Says you should reconnect with old friends....ok. I don't have any friends. Hobbies? Meh...not really terribly interested in anything. So, basically all I can do right now is sit around....maybe do some push-ups and sit-ups. Ride the treadmill. What else am I supposed to do with all this free time (hell)?


Find employment


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