# For me he cheated and keeps on doing it



## Strawberry79 (Jan 6, 2014)

Where to start? I think it's gonna be longish so bear with me please.

It all started towards the end of last year. I signed in into one of his email accounts he gave me the psw for and stumbled on replies to adverts on CL . He had attached pictures of his penis and of him masturbating to some [email protected] in these adverts. 
He was at work on a night shift when I found this out. I confronted him on the phone and to make it short I forgave him. He said he was sorry obviously, didn't know why he was doing that (he said he gets bored) and at some point he wanted me to leave him.

Fast forward a few months, I see him a few times logging in into an account that doesn't look familiar to me (I could only see the inbox from afar, but he usually never reads emails as they're all mainly spam, and this account had all read emails). 
Since I am pretty techy, I managed to find out the email account address and just changed the psw for it; that night too he was on a night shift. I was shocked to find more replies to adverts, chat logs (which included shemales and crossdressers!) and I found out he was on a website where people post their own porn pics where he found all these individuals he chatted to. 
A few things, among the others, that I read left me utterly disgusted. 
In an email he tells this shemale how he got horny reading her last email and he had to masturbate while I was downstairs making him breakfast at dawn (he had been back from his night shift)!. 
In a chat log I read how he contacted this other [email protected] while I was in the bath cos he was feeling frisky, joking about the possibility of me catching him (the [email protected] pretended to be concerned about this). 

Anyway, I confronted him once again and he was a complete je*k. He texted me a "sorry" after a while but I didn't reply to him. When he got home from work in the morning, he just went and slept on the sofa. The day after he went out as soon as he got up to go to work, so he could avoid me. I self-harmed. I was so so angry.

Well, in the end I forgave him. I know, silly silly me. I don't trust him, though and have been keeping tabs on his online activities.
So, he went back to do whatever he was doing before pretty soon minus the posting of pictures.

I posted an ad on CL posing as a shemale and he replied. I wanted to make him feel guilty (I know this sounds crazy, but I figured that confronting him directly at that point would have been useless). He ended up telling my alter ego that he loved me and it would crush him to lose me and that he would try and sort out his terrible ways. He didn't behave for long anyway. 

I kept finding he was looking up shemales on the phone, downloading hentai and shemale porn on the PC and he went back to chatting and emailing shemales/crossdressers. Found a nice collection of shemale pics on his PS3 as well.

I know he specifically googles "big" (you can imagine what that is referred to). Yet he claims to these people he's not gay or bi. 
He is a manly man, I have to say, the way he dresses etc for what it's worth. He's very much into anal, which I enjoy. We have a very good sex life, but I am overweight - he is too by the way. He says he loves my body and has no problems with my weight gain. 

I know this all thing is fuc*ing me up too. I am reduced to snooping constantly and I can't bring myself to put a stop to this nonsense and confront him once and for all. 

A couple of weeks ago I put a keylogger on his pc. I got the psw for a new account he had started using and found out he was chatting to a shemale. 

I contacted her and asked her to stop talking to him. She agreed to do that and was pretty nice I have to say and so I told her about my situation and how this sometimes makes me feel suicidal even.

I left the chat log in the Yahoo account. I kinda hoped he would read it. He did, because when I logged back in the day after, this chat log had been deleted along with a few more chat logs. 
He deleted the collection of pics on the PS3 too. I even started hoping he was really going to make an effort this time.

Today I found more shemale porn downloaded and he looked up a tumblr blog with pics and hentai yesterday. I don't know why I am still here honestly. 
Is there hope? The shemale told me I am not the problem - he'd probably pick me over them any day. It doesn't make me feel better.

Sorry for the long post and I know half of my actions sound crazy but I love this man despite everything.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Strawberry79 these kind of sexual fetishes are not something that are easily gotten past. It appears he has some tendencies to bisexual behavior and that is something you two are going to have to discuss and come to and understanding about. There are boundaries that you two have to set in a relationship and you two have to agree to what they are. If he cannot stay within those boundaries than you will have to make some decisions on whether you want to stay in a relationship with him.


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## Strawberry79 (Jan 6, 2014)

He claims to be straight; he told these people in emails too. 

This fascination he has with trannies bother me a lot. He looks up gaping and so on, but if it's women it bothers me a lot less. It did make me furious when he chatted with females and masturbated. I view that as cheating. If they had been together, instead of being separated by a screen, I can't help but think he'd have done the actual deed with them. 

When I posed as a tranny, I asked if he'd suck it and he said yes, if she asked and if she was hot, but he wouldn't ask to do it otherwise. I do think sometimes he says stuff he thinks the other person wants to hear. I really don't think he'd like to suck a penis.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Strawberry79 said:


> He claims to be straight; he told these people in emails too.
> 
> This fascination he has with trannies bother me a lot. He looks up gaping and so on, but if it's women it bothers me a lot less. It did make me furious when he chatted with females and masturbated. I view that as cheating. If they had been together, instead of being separated by a screen, I can't help but think he'd have done the actual deed with them.
> 
> When I posed as a tranny, I asked if he'd suck it and he said yes, if she asked and if she was hot, but he wouldn't ask to do it otherwise. I do think sometimes he says stuff he thinks the other person wants to hear. I really don't think he'd like to suck a penis.


I am sorry but i disagree with the last paragraph, after reading your thread, I believe your husband is bisexual. From what you have been saying, your husband tends to sway towards shemales, this to me leads me to believe that... he likes men.... Sorry..

He may claim hes straight, but his actions leads me to believe different.

It does not really matter anyway, Men woman, hes being so bloody disrespectful, hes doing it over and over, sparing little thought for you at all, If any.

I believe the whole lot of it is a form of cheating, It would be for me, and i would not want to be married to someone like this.

All his attention is on anybody but you. You deserve so much better.

I think the same as you. I believe also that he would have done the deed with them, hes very very deceitful.

Your doing all these things to catch him out, but you know hes doing it, so your not really catching him, your just confirming your suspicions that your man is deceiving you.... Big time.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Hes a compulsive.
he finds the taboo issue of shemales a turn on. I suspect, as others here have that he's tempted to try sex with a male, even one who is transgender/pre op.
You have stated that he likes anal, he see these others as potential partners as in theory they have the same external parts a s a full female except for the penis.
There are boundries here and he's continuing to step over them and not in a small way. You can no longer make the "hes bored" excuse. Hes not trustworthy is the correct term.

Now you need to discuss with him in a full and frank manner what you expect and what hes to comply with if he doesnt then you either accept and maintain or file.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

Sorry you are here. Your situation sounds difficult to say the least.

How long have you been married for?


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## Strawberry79 (Jan 6, 2014)

Thanks guys 

4 years. 

I think the only way is for him to let me install parental controls on his bloody pc and to get rid of Opera Mini on the phone. This browser uses a proxy so even though there are adult filters in place on the phone (and on our home Internet too), porn stuff is completely accessible through that browser. 

At least then he could really get down to trying living without porn and sort of detoxify.

He wouldn't let me "control" him - not sure how to explain; he turns things around and makes it sound like I consider myself perfect so that's why I pinpoint all the wrong stuff he does. If anything, I feel [email protected] compared to the sexy ladies in stockings and suspenders and I suffer in silence.

He is such an a$$ when he does that.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

If he wants to and is even mildly tech literate, he will get around filters. 

Certainly, the major problem seems to me to be actually contacting other men/women and this is trivial to achieve no matter what filters are in place.

For my money, you need to concentrate on this aspect and fight the porn battle another day.


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## Strawberry79 (Jan 6, 2014)

He's not that techy... he hasn't thought about having the keylogger for example on his pc. 
I blocked some websites modifying the host file and he wouldn't know how to change it back. 

I am the end of my tether really and some days I just hate him for what he does to me.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I was thinking more of apps on his smartphone that allow non monitored chat, or using a VPN or similar; you would be surprised what a determined non techy cheater can accomplish.

I know I was. My ex still can't copy and paste on a PC and has no idea how anything works (she honestly would struggle to operate a DVD player), but figured out how to delete sent and received texts, change phone SIMs and hide her phone bills by changing accounts and using online access only. Prior to this she hadn't even sorted her own car insurance out by herself. 

It would be difficult for me to show just how un-tech-savvy she is.

There are quite a few similar stories on here where cheaters have used, for example, Ruzzle, for chatting or throwaway email accounts.

Just a note of caution - you obviously seem like you're on top of it, but I'd hate for you to be caught out :/


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## Strawberry79 (Jan 6, 2014)

Thanks Chris989 but I am sure he doesn't have a clue about VPN and stuff like that. He deletes the history on Opera Mini, that's about what he does. 
He doesn't delete sent emails and that's how I managed to find out the very first time. 

About the chatting... I know he was using Ebuddy online (if he installs apps like Yahoo Messenger on the phone, which by the way it's not a very good one, I am gonna see it on the phone and question who he is talking to). 

I logged in on Opera Mini with his Google account, which he never uses. That allows me to see the web history through his Google account itself, since Google stores the history if you're logged in and turn on the option.

A fairly good way of keeping tabs on him without having to install a keylogger, which seems a bit complicated on an Android phone and requires rooting to hide the app. 

The phone's default browser has the adult filters on by the network so I don't monitor that one. He uses Opera when he wants to get to porn. 

He's got no psw on the phone and he doesn't text people or call. He hates that... he likes instant messaging. 

The amount of lying and deceiving these cheaters can get to truly makes me sick.


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## FLman (Nov 6, 2013)

Strawberry79 said:


> Thanks Chris989 but I am sure he doesn't have a clue about VPN and stuff like that. He deletes the history on Opera Mini, that's about what he does.
> He doesn't delete sent emails and that's how I managed to find out the very first time.
> 
> About the chatting... I know he was using Ebuddy online (if he installs apps like Yahoo Messenger on the phone, which by the way it's not a very good one, I am gonna see it on the phone and question who he is talking to).
> ...


This really sucks, its a fetish and an addiction, its a fantasy that has taken a step further, I don't quite understand this fetish but i would imagine its no different than wearing stockings etc, 
Your in an ugly situation, on the defensive, damage control and not really in a healthy relationship...
I do not have any advice but I can relate, the best is for him to realize that how damaging it is to him and your relationship.
He will just try to sneak around you more...if honest open talk does not do it then you have to threaten to leave, unfortunately some learn too late!


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## Strawberry79 (Jan 6, 2014)

If somebody develops fantasies or fetishes, I have to start believing they are not getting all they want from their partner.

I am satisfied by him, therefore I don't fantasize about f*cking some other man or going with another woman etc. I know maybe it doesn't sound real but I feel like this. I don't need to be liked by someone else like he does. I do have self-esteem issues by the way.

Part of the reason why he tries to get in contact with real people is to have that buzz of having someone else ready to hook up with him. Somebody that's not me. 
In a certain way he is trying to catch up with what he missed out during his teenage years. 

He claims I give him everything he needs - he is just a [email protected] (his words to one of the many w h ores)... I don't think I do, otherwise I don't get why he has to seek sexual gratification elsewhere. 

I'd like for him to open up and tell me what he would like from me that he thinks these people can give him instead, but he won't.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I am so sorry you are here. Have you thought about counseling?
You said you love this man very much, in my opinion, you are acting more and more like a mother and less than a wife.
Go talk to a marriage counselor. Nobody said that a marriage has to be perfect, or someone has to be perfect. You can accept your husband's behavior or you can get help from a professional and build a stronger marriage.
Best of luck to you


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Strawberry79 said:


> If somebody develops fantasies or fetishes, I have to start believing they are not getting all they want from their partner.
> 
> I am satisfied by him, therefore I don't fantasize about f*cking some other man or going with another woman etc. I know maybe it doesn't sound real but I feel like this. I don't need to be liked by someone else like he does. I do have self-esteem issues by the way.
> 
> ...


This has nothing to do with "what he missed" - where does that logic stop? I didn't fulfil any dwarf or clown related desires, so I'm just going to the "dwarfclowndatinghookups.com" site for some fulfillment action?

You cannot give him what he desires, as he desires that which is forbidden.

Either show him that it's either you or those desires, or be prepared for a rough time ahead.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You can't fix him. He has a PROBLEM and needs to admit it and get help, HE needs to do that, or there's no use being with him.

It sounds to me like you've adopted his problems as a 'project'. All this does is enable him to keep acting out. He needs to see a certified sex addiction counselor. Not because he is addicted (he may or may not be) but because they specialize in sexual acting out.

And you need to dissociate yourself from him. When my husband was acting out using online forums, sex chats, escort agencies, etc, I kicked him out of the house. You'd be wise to do the same thing.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

You can't techie your way out of his addiction to these sites and to chatting with other people. It won't change his desire for it, and you have better things to do with your time and your life than play mommy and block his access to the internet.

Get yourselves to marriage counseling, or maybe get him to addiction counseling, or both. Your marriage doesn't stand a chance if you have to spend your entire life checking up on what he's doing online.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

MC won't do a bit of good until he stops acting out. And he won't stop acting out because he's being snooped on. He will only stop acting out of he reaches rock bottom somehow and decides to get help. For some that means getting arrested. For others it means losing their family.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Oh, and OP, you need to get tested for STD's stat.


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## Strawberry79 (Jan 6, 2014)

I know for a fact he hasn't hooked up with anyone. I also noticed how he stopped replying when some of them were getting serious about meeting up. He just wanted to get to the point where these people were willing to sleep with him after seeing he's overweight etc to sort of boost his ego. 

Yes, I am fed up with snooping... I do it because I know I will invariably found he has been doing it again. I have some days when I tell myself I don't give a [email protected] about what he does, he's just not gonna stop and I can't keep up; I can't, as you put it, techie my way out his addiction. 

I am sure he thinks since he doesn't actually exchange bodily fluids, then he's not doing something that bad. For him bad would be beating me up. He's always telling me how there are some men who beat their wives, so in his view what he does is nothing that serious. F*cked up I know.

I am like a ticking bomb... ready to explode one of these days...


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Strawberry, your husband has a serious addiction going on here.

Porn addiction is, IMO, the biggest and most serious issue facing men today (versus say, alcohol, drugs, physical cheating, etc.) and it needs to be made clear that it is a genuine chemical addiction, no less strong than alcoholism or drug addiction. He's programmed his thinking and his body to need that endorphin rush that he receives from masturbating to pornography. It doesn't take long for the body to crave that on a daily basis, and with the ease with which it is accessible, it is very very easy to feed that addiction.

With porn though it is much worse, as it is a *progressive* addiction, in that over time it takes more and more in order to be useful. Back when he was 15, it probably took no more than a maxim magazine cover to get him off. That progresses to more hardcore images, then video or stories, etc. and ultimately fetishes. It becomes a monster that demands to be fed. I can bet you that 10 years ago, even he would have been disgusted to know that he loves bisexual porn and fantasizes about sucking a man in women's clothing. But that's what it's come to, and even that will only "do the trick" for so long before he has to expand his porn horizons even further.

I say all of this from both personal experience, and from my time in pornography recovery group where I heard countless similar stories. Addicts find ways to feed their addiction, and the more pressure they get to quit, the better they get at hiding it, and they won't even try to quit unless they are forced to realize what it is doing to their marriage and have to make a choice. Even then I have seen grown men, as old as 85 years old, openly weep when they couldn't keep themselves from cracking and visiting a website for a quick session, or buying a porn mag or contacting someone on a craigslist/match.com type of site. Even knowing what it might cost them.

In my experience, the only way anyone escapes this is by drastic measures. That usually means no unsupervised computer use, or at the very least no access to internet connected devices aside from a computer loaded with GOOD accountability software. That means no smartphone, no video game consoles (all video game consoles released since 2005 have web browsers), no hand-held video games, no "Smart TV's" or internet connected video streamers (like Roku, GoogleTV, Boxee, chromecast, etc.), no tablets, etc.

NOTE: As it relates to PC's, it should be *Good* accountability software, not filtering software as you describe. The idea is that they CAN do anything they want online, what they do is up to them, but they will know they have to be accountable for their actions. Blocking them from accessing anything will just make them more tempted to check if they can access those sites whenever they get the opportunity elsewhere, maybe even at work. Better to let them do anything they want, but for all of it to be recorded. If they visit a flagged site, their accountability partner (preferably a close, supportive male friend, but could be anyone) gets an automatic e-mail alert. For all other sites, a log is e-mailed to the partner every week.

One thing about android smartphones and tablets... There is accountability and filtering software available for them but most of them are complete garbage, and nearly all of them can only keep an eye on certain browsers, and can be easily bypassed by using a browsers "private" mode, or "incognito" or whatever they call it. Those modes disable history recording, including in 3rd party apps. I have heard of one app however, which I suddenly can't remember the name of, that is able to scan not by reading the history log, but by taking screenshots every few seconds and analyzing the image. It can read text to see what sites you are on (even on the private "untraceable" browsing modes) and even store images if it thinks it is detecting say, a whole lot of skin perhaps. I have not tested this app myself, but it could be an option.

Otherwise, yeah it's a pretty extreme measure. But from what you describe and my experience, I'd say that your odds of stopping this behavior are pretty much ZERO if he can't accept that he has a problem and willingly commits to these extensive changes...


Lastly, just fyi, yes he is absolutely thinking that he's not doing anything wrong because he hasn't actually physically hooked up with someone. I'm guessing he hasn't engaged in this sort of conversation online with anyone he knows personally either. To him, it's all just fantasy, no different than a guy going online to talk about video games or sports and discuss which Die Hard movie was the best one, etc. It's a hobby, a personal interest, it has nothing to do with you and shouldn't offend you, doesn't change his opinion of you or make him desire you any less, etc. Of course that is all garbage. It doesn't take long for him to ABSOLUTELY see you differently, and his desires and interests do change in time because of the porn/fantasies. His ability to get off easily, quickly, whenever he wants is likely very finely tuned by this point, so eventually sexual activity with you starts to feel more and more like "work" by comparison. I know for myself, it was when I started to realize that was true that I finally accepted that this was a problem. I realized that while I did love my wife, and sex with her was way better than masturbation, that masturbation was sometimes just sooo much easier and more... exciting, unique, dirty, etc. because of the random fetishes I could indulge in. No I would never have turned down sex with my wife, but I have no doubt that my interest/motivation to woo her, seduce her, seek her out, etc. definitely declined.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Strawberry79 said:


> I know for a fact he hasn't hooked up with anyone. I also noticed how he stopped replying when some of them were getting serious about meeting up. He just wanted to get to the point where these people were willing to sleep with him after seeing he's overweight etc to sort of boost his ego.
> 
> Yes, I am fed up with snooping... I do it because I know I will invariably found he has been doing it again. I have some days when I tell myself I don't give a [email protected] about what he does, he's just not gonna stop and I can't keep up; I can't, as you put it, techie my way out his addiction.
> 
> ...



Strawberry you are assuming that he understands the extent of his addiction and the control it has on him. When someone plays with porn for a long extended period of time they have to keep going to more explicit and erotic levels to get a thrill. My guess is he is experimenting with same sex pieces because its just the next level for him. You cannot keep him from this, you can put all the controls you want on his PC but you can't be with him 24 hours a day. He has to want to change...he has to recognize he has a problem...until then there is not much you can do. This is something he has to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You can filter his computer but you can't filter his mind/body.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

OMG CL hookup ads and online live cam sex isn't porn its cheating!

Jeez what is the deal? If you can MEET the person that is not porn, that is seeking out sexual partners outside of the marriage. As I have said many times before, porn is the LEAST of your problems.

Checking up on him may only drive him further underground. If he wants to do it, he'll find a way. I've heard it on TAM a zillion times, you install monitoring sw on their phone? They just get a burner phone....One wife had a keylogger installed and her H just got a new laptop and hid it in his truck!

Don't spend too much time gathering evidence. You have more than enough in my opinion. I agree with hope he will only stop when HE realizes he needs to stop.

He's already done all this while married to you. Please protect yourself. You'll have your spirit broken if you keep checking on him while he's actually doing these things.

Figure out your bottom line and stick to it. 

Sorry you are here. Please take care.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Strawberry79 said:


> I know for a fact he hasn't hooked up with anyone. I also noticed how he stopped replying when some of them were getting serious about meeting up. He just wanted to get to the point where these people were willing to sleep with him after seeing he's overweight etc to sort of boost his ego.
> 
> Yes, I am fed up with snooping... I do it because I know I will invariably found he has been doing it again. I have some days when I tell myself I don't give a [email protected] about what he does, he's just not gonna stop and I can't keep up; I can't, as you put it, techie my way out his addiction.
> 
> ...


Not yet....... But maybe one day he will decide to go that one stop further, and decide he wants to act upon his desires.

Whatever way you look at it your husband does need help with his addiction as others have said. You cant live your life checking up on him every minute of the day, Making sure hes not talking to anyone.


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## Strawberry79 (Jan 6, 2014)

He's never done live cams, no.

Also, he wouldn't be able to buy anything without me knowing. Trust me on this.

Yeah. I have plenty of evidence. 

To hook up with someone would be difficult as when he's not at work, we are usually always together. It's not impossible, though.

If he came up with the idea of going somewhere absolutely alone, insisting, that would make me very suspicious. 

When I posed as a tranny, I did suggest we could meet up for a coffee and he just said he works stupid hours so that would be difficult. I even said it wouldn't have been a problem for me, so that was an excuse on his part I think. 
Basically he wasn't really going to want to meet my tranny alter ego. What I remember him saying is that he might try to hook up.

This interest for shemales started off from hentai then he went on to look at real ones. At the start, he said to a tranny in an email, they didn't do much for him as he saw them as men. Upon getting with me, he realized how shallow he was being and it struck him that some of them are pretty f*ckable. 

Not even the fact I self-harmed the second time I busted him made him stop, so I don't know what it will.

He has looked at a hentai website he only looks at on the phone on the way to work just now. Yesterday he behaved as far as I could see.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Had a good read of this and not sure who needs more help, you or your H???:scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:

I see three possible outcomes.

1) you are a troll looking for a new angle?

2) He is very interested in bisexual behavior and I think if circumstances were right he would hook up and go full PA.

3) You get to live a life of forever wondering "when" he steps over the line of EA fantasy and into hard core PA with another person.

Your choices.

a) Sit back and do jack all and wait

b) Get him into therapy to sort out what he actually wants.

c) Dump him, file for D and get on with your life, you can find a man who wants you for who you are and not because by doing anal you are fulfilling part of his fantasy.

I'd go as far as to have a sweep stake on it that if you stopped with anal he'd be getting it with one of these fantasy folk, 10 to 1 odds on favorite in my book.


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