# Need to know how to feel



## tele (Jun 2, 2014)

This is the first time I am writing.

let me start by saying the marriage I am in was not in good shape because of me. I am a 40 year old male that really does love his family. 

My marriage of 13 years appears to be ending and I do not know how to feel. Like other that have posted we have the same when it comes to debt, house, cars etc.

About a week ago I started to the wife was getting very distant and I asked her "are we OK". She explained to me that she has been feeling this way for some time and that we do not have anything in common anymore. I think we still do have things in common. That is here nor there. 

I have created some major issues by drinking, yes I said drinking. But what i thought I was doing is drinking to make myself feel better. In reality i drank to hide. 

She has not been a peach all during the marriage, she is very demanding and usually get what she wants eventually. We had money issue's that started about 5 years ago when her job went down hill. She has bounced around a few job for a couple of years that did not help with the finances, it actually made them worse. During this time she was a bear to deal with so I tried to be positive and keep her spirits up. It did not work which in turn made me feel even worse.

There is a lot more to add but past 5 years have not been fun. We would both have good days and bad days. We have a 12 year old and he is in the middle. I know this is going to be tough for him.

As of right now, she does not want a divorce and maybe thinks we should separate. I did ask her if she would want to work this all out and she does not know.

I have stopped drinking and started to focus on myself. She has destroyed any self confidence that I had. I had the mentality of providing for my family cause that is how I am.

Right now it has been about a week and she barely speaks to me, and when she does it is very bitter. She is hiding this very well from her parents and friends. I know people don't change overnight but I do believe that everyone has an eye opening experience. 

How can we live in the same house if I feel like I want to save this marriage and based on her actions she does not.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Living in the same house is a good thing because as long as she is there you can work to fix things... even if she not sure. You start by improving yourself and being a better husband.

What are you going to do to stop the drinking? What have you done so far?

As for the marriage, get the book "His Needs, Her Needs" do what it says to do. Start being a good husband.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The first thing you should do is some quick checking to make sure there's not another guy in the picture. I'm not saying there is, but your plan has to change if that's the case. 

Second, show her that you're changing for yourself. Do it by changing your actions. Don't try to TELL her your changing, just do it. Get rid of all the alcohol in the house. Replace bad habits with good, like working out, spending time with your son, etc. The fact that she's there in the house to see your changes will make it easier. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tele (Jun 2, 2014)

To be honest, the drinking was easy to stop. i just stopped. Replaced the drinking with trying to be positive and make myself a better person.

I have had a chance over the weekend to spend some time with my son and we had a good time. Talked about video game and movies. 

I am trying to keep a smile on my face all the time, but the feeling in my stomach and we all know how the mind races. 

I take every day in stride right now but it is very hard to know what to say or to say anything at all at this time.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Do you do anything together as a couple? Dinner, movies? 

Are you helpful around the house without being asked? 

Do you compliment her looks/clothes? 

Do you do things with your son during the week? Throw a ball around, ride bikes, play Frisbee? 

Have you asked her to attend marriage counseling with you? 

Do you tell her that you love her very much and want to be with her? IF you love her she has to be told this, she can't be left to guess.


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## tele (Jun 2, 2014)

I do do a lot to keep the house running. clean, cook, laundry you name it, I do it.

We have just finished baseball up and I was one of my sons coaches, for the last 3 months i have been picking him up from school twice a week. We like to sit down and play a few video games together.

As for going out, it was not in the budget. It is not easy to do. Everything she wants to do is with all of us which I am OK with but since my son was born. She always wants to go out as a group. Every time a vacation is planned it is the Big Mouse and she invites everyone. So I passed on the last couple because I am always the 5th wheel.

I asked her about going to counselling and she does not think it would help. She is dead set on we do not have anything in common anymore. 

Up until the TALK, I told her I LOVE YOU everyday and gave her a kiss goodbye. 

I cannot change the past, and I do not believe in should of, could of, would of's. I like to move forward. 

She tells me that she does not see a future for us anymore, to be honest the way I feel, I dont see it either.

I wish I knew what to say to make it better,


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## movinonup (May 6, 2014)

Only thing I could think of would be just to try to get her to talk about it more, attend counseling together and if nothing else, just to talk to each other. Don't berade her with questions, but ask her what makes her think that way. Look online for cheap dates in your area if money's an issue, or cheap family vacations or something of that nature to get the spark going. Pay attention to her and take care of her. Listen, don't argue with her needs, even if they seem illogical. 

That's my humble advice.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

I like EleGirl's post and would second that. 

As far as the drinking...even though you stopped on your own...you might try an AA meeting. Whether or not you are an alcoholic, the 12 Steps can really help you become something more than you are now. Definitely won't hurt, and would give you an outlet. Find an "open meeting" which means they are open to anybody who "wants to live a spiritual life" (i.e., work on the steps).


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Also to reiterate what EleGirl said: living together is still an opportunity to work on things. If one of you moves out for even a trial separation the chances you will get divorced are really, really high. Marriage counseling would really help. five years of being unhappy together is a really long time and it is going to take professional help to give the two of you a chance.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Careful. Being too needy, too available, and too helpful can be an issue in itself. 

Pull yourself together emotionally. Take care of your responsibilities, and do nice things for her but don't just let her walk over you or you warp yourself around her needs. If she is crossing boundaries, enforce them. It will do you no good to keep the marriage if she learns she can rule you with it. Likewise don't cross boundaries of manipulation, power games, abuse, immaturity, ect.. yourself. Show some independence and have healthy parts of your life you enjoy apart from her--hobbies whatever.

If you want her, show her a man she would want.


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## tele (Jun 2, 2014)

Thank you all for the help and advice.

So yesterday when i arrived home I spent some time with my boy talking and laughing. Waiting for her to come home because we were headed out together to support a local team. I gave her a compliment on how she looked since I did not see her in the morning before she left for work. She really looked great. I was able to get thank you and a very small smile out of it. 

On our way to where we were going I asked her how her day went, got a one word answer. So decided to tell her how my day was and what i did. Then I started a conversation with my boy until we arrived at our location.

The conversation in the car was light but pleasant. When we arrived we all walked down together and she went and sat with some ladies she had no seen in a while. At that time I did not know what to think so I was talking with some guys that I knew. 

Things were going OK I thought for the most part. Trying to give her space and trying to be positive at the same time. 

When we arrived home I took the dog for a walk and asked if she want to go. She did not since it was a little chilly outside. So I asked my son if he wanted to go. so he and I went. Again, we had fun talking and walking. We ran into some of my sons friends and got to meet 2 new people and talked to them for a few minutes. 

We arrived back to the house and I started thinking about the next day, dinner, what we have going on etc.. I asked her if she wanted to watch a movie after dinner and I did get a maybe. So i was feeling OK after that. It was getting late so I went to bed. I got a good night out of her with a smile. 

This morning I did my normal routine and I have been leaving early, she was up. As I was leaving she told me to have a good day.

Typing my day out is helping me tremendously. 

My question out there right now is, I think things are turning in the right direction and it is critical that I don't over do it. How can I keep the positive flowing without over doing it?

PS: Since I have stopped drinking every night I have more energy then I have ever had. I see things different for a positive not always a negative. 

I do have a concern though- since I have all this energy I cannot sit still and I am running around doing what I can to stay busy IE: dishes, picking up etc...

Any thoughts.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Sounds like you are on the right track. One thing i would caution you about though... Don't get over confident and start pusing for faster results. It is easy to get excited and try too hard to speed things up.

Good Luck


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## tele (Jun 2, 2014)

Thanks dormant,

That is my fear as well. 

When is the right time to move a little closer?


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I wish I knew the answer to that.


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