# should I leave because of his porn addiction



## beautygirl1881

I am literally on the brink of separation with my husband of 10 years and one of our MAJOR issues is and always has been porn. I was only 22 when we got married and still under the "impression" that the way to keep a man was to satisfy his every sexual desire no matter what (I was raped in college and was even a stripper for a few months when I was 19 yrs old) I've begged him repeatedly to please stop, it hurts me more than anything could, I just can't get over it no matter how many times someone tells me "relax, it's just porn". He KNOWS why it hurts me and just doesn't think I have the right to feel like I do, he STILL sees nothing wrong with it. I think that just the fact that it hurts his wife SOOO BADLY should be enough!! He lies about it, I've had to lock my laptop from him because he admittedly cannot control himself. Now he's been doing it on his phone which I think is completely pathetic. And I'm not talking a few videos saved to his phone, last time I found 25! Someone please tell me it's ok for me to feel this way, this is one of many issues but definitely a huge one for me seeing as I literally don't trust him at all, if he still lies to me about this and is unwilling to seek help because he "doesn't understand why I think it's so bad" should I leave him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear

Has he done anything to work on his "addiction"? My first thought is that he's not actually addicted, but he's not stopping because he doesn't see anything wrong with it. Unless he's actually going through a sex addict treatment, I suspect you won't see many changes.

Personally, I don't have an issue with occasional porn use, but that's a whole separate issue. You have your boundaries, and either you two can agree on them, or you can't.

C


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## CallaLily

Sometimes people keep doing things regardless of whether its hurting another person or not, because they can. In other words he may feel he has nothing to lose. He may figure you're not going anywhere and that you are all talk when it comes to how you feel on the issue. 

If you have voiced your concern to him over and over only for it to fall on deaf ears, then it might be time for boundaries, consequences and a ultimatum. You may actually have to walk, and see what happens. I'm not saying he will stop if you do, but if he doesn't then at least you know where you really stand, he made a choice, porn over his marriage.


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## ILoveMyWife!

Ok, first off you do have a right to feel however YOU want! It is your soul and body. Instead of ultimatums right now try explaining to him how ti makes you feel, where youre coming from. Make sure it is not in an accusatory way or negative place(although I know you feel very hurt and angry by it) Problem is the more you attack him on it the more he will run. He probably doesn't see it as a problem so it will be really hard for him to see where you are coming from. I know from personal experience. I never thought that porn was a problem because I had always looked at it. I never fully understood where my wife was coming from until the **** hit the fan. It has taken a separation/divorce for me to fully understand the impact of my actions and how she was feeling and where she was coming from.
I would also suggest counseling and get him to understand what is going on. It will be tough for him but make sure you are also on the same team with and a supporter. He needs you to help him understand the damage that is occurring. Keep us updated.


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## ILoveMyWife!

Also, find out about his past history and growing up. I never realized I had problems with things like that until I embraced my past with molestation by a female older girl. Also how is the intimacy in your relationship? I would assume it is really lacking.
For me it was easier at times to just look at porn and be done. I look back now on those times and I want to punch that version of me in the face. My wife is all I ever wanted or needed, and part of me is glad I had the wake up call that I did because I would of never seen it and carried it on. I just hope that it helps my marriage as well.


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## Jamison

This is someone who keeps doing what he is doing regardless of what you say or how you feel. I wouldn't spend anymore time trying to explain it, he obviously doesn't care and doesn't see his marriage as a priority. There fore the ball is in your court on how you want to spend your life. Its time for you to make a decision, because right now he has made his.


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## MissFroggie

Some people are fine with porn, others are not. You have the right to feel how you do about it. He knows it is hurting you but continues. He does not respect your feelings about this and continues regardless. You can respect someone without loving them but you can't love someone without respecting them. If he wants to continue he needs to explain it to you and if you can accept it then he can continue, but if that is not the case he is choosing porn over you. I wouldn't keep banging my head against a brick wall trying to beg him to stop because it is hurting me. He doesn't love you enough and you deserve better. Give him the ultimatum and if he still doesn't stop, leave and find someone who respects and loves you xx


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## ladybird

Only you can answer your question, not a bunch of strangers. If you do give him the ultimatum, make sure you are ready to follow through with whatever it is you are going to do. 

You can try to talk to him about how porn makes you feel and how it is affecting your relationship with him.


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## AVR1962

You have every right to your feelings. I been thru your pain. Husband of 21 years and I have had 2 different marriage counselors on the topic and both said that is was not good for him, not good for me and not good for our marriage. 

If your interests were in other men and had naked pictures of men on your phone what would be your husband's reaction? Would he be suspicious as to whether you were seeing any of these men? Would he feel inadequate? 

Anything that is hurtful in a marriage should not be happening. If you want to try to work things out with your husband I suggest a good counselor and then be very honest about how his activity makes you feel.


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## Lon

Is the problem with his porn habit because you think it is unethical or immoral and want him to be a better man? or is it because it is interfering with the relationship?

A lot of women that hate porn actually just hate that they are not the ones in control of their spouse's sexual outlets, they hate when their husbands masturbate, lust after another woman, or even just when other women flirt (even when the husband doesn't instigate or reciprocate).

OTOH, men who are consumed by porn often have no interest in pleasing their spouse, in initiating sex or even taking care of their roles in the relationship. For some it is more gratifying to be alone with porn than with their partner.

What needs do each of you have in the relationship and what does each of you do to help the other meet their needs? If you have expressed your needs (ie not things about HIM you want to control, but things to keep you interested and attracted to him) then where exactly has he failed? Focus on those and be specific so he knows what he has to do if he wants to keep the relationship.


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## AVR1962

Lon said:


> A lot of women that hate porn actually just hate that they are not the ones in control of their spouse's sexual outlets, they hate when their husbands masturbate, lust after another woman, or even just when other women flirt (even when the husband doesn't instigate or reciprocate).


I think women tend to like to share this sort of intimacy and when this I not shared as a couple but time is spent on another female instead there does tend to be hurt feelings for what we females consider selfishness.


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## Lon

*Re: Re: should I leave because of his porn addiction*



AVR1962 said:


> I think women tend to like to share this sort of intimacy and when this I not shared as a couple but time is spent on another female instead there does tend to be hurt feelings for what we females consider selfishness.


Not sharing as as couple and sharing with someone outside of the relationship are two different things. Whether or not "porn" is considered outside the marriage is where I suspect opinions are subjective.


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## Married but Happy

OP hasn't been back in 2 weeks.

I guess this issue is just one more people need to discuss before getting into a relationship, and avoid one if it's important and they can't agree.

I wonder, though, if the reactions would be different if we were talking about religion. If she were not religious, and he was and frequently prayed, went to church and church events, read the Bible all the time, etc. If she felt hurt by his "obsession", should he feel obligated to stop his religious activities? Or is it his right to pursue them regardless of her "hurt" and belief that it was harmful to the relationship?


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## Thebes

When you start feeling like porn means more to your spouse than you do its going to cause problems. When you think they only want to have sex with you because of porn its going to cause problems. 

Occasional porn isn't going to cause this but when its everyday and throw cheating in on top of it because of their obsession with other women its going to cause problems and sometimes the problem will be the woman cheating.


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