# Considering open marriage or affair



## Gypsywife (Jul 30, 2015)

My husband is 42 and I am 28. He has an entire book of stories about how he used to have this extended, animal, can go for hours drive but can't seem to have that with me or even seem to pretend to be interested in me when he does ( but boy oh boy you wouldn't know it by all the pics and gifs he downloads). I've tried talking about it, dressing up, getting nasty but to no avail and I find that toys are becoming useless. I can't go on like this. I feel completely lonely, unattractive and undesired. I'm not by any stretch of the imagination ugly but his lack of interest is really affecting me. I'm considering asking for an open marriage or having an affair. What should I do? Please help


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You should divorce. You do not need to suffer such disrespect and you are certainly young enough to start again.

Cheating is degrading and damaging to far more people than just you.

If you aren't wired like a very small portion of the population, swinging isn't for you. Swinging isn't for troubled marriages to begin with.

If you really love him and want this marriage to stand a chance, let him know it is counseling with improvements or divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

If you're not happy or feel unloved and have exhausted all measure in communicating your concerns in turning things around then a D is the answer. 

Adultery or open marriage is not the answer. Why become a deceiver or a person involved in a demeaning relationship. You won't like the person you see in the mirror.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You should divorce and find a man your own age.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Do not ask for an open marriage. Seems to me, he probably already took care of that on his end. He's already in an open marriage. If not physically, than EA with the porn, pics, etc of all the gf's.

Ask for separation. When he asks why, be honest and say that you need sexual fullfillment that cannot be found "online" like his is doing. 

Don't stoop to cheat on him. End it and then you can do the right thing, and start dating other men that might be interested in YOU> (Only you.). But end this relationship first.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Well, if you've broached the subject of counseling with him and he is opposed to the idea, I'll have to concur with the general consensus here...divorce.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Counseling. And how are other aspects of your marriage?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Is it just me or are we getting an influx of "should I have an open marriage?" posts?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Satya said:


> Is it just me or are we getting an influx of "should I have an open marriage?" posts?


Yeah. These things (open marriage, cuckolds, threesomes, etc.) seem to go in cycles here and on other sites as well. There have been posts about men not marrying elsewhere, too. There's rarely anything really new when it comes to relationships, so it all gets recycled time and again.

BTW, Gypsywife, you'd do better divorcing and finding a better match.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Again. Men can men be thick. Tell him you are separating why and what you hope to achieve.

Set ground rules. He will filip out and assume an affair. Answer NO not until a D. Set up a MC and inform him of the date and time. No if no buts, save the marriage and show up or D is on him.

Friendly 180. Something's nice on others a hard ass. If he uses the tern *****. Think hard ass. And be proud.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Gypsywife - I first joined TAM about 18 months ago, in the same position as you are now, but we're both in our fifties. My advice is to get out now before wasting any more time on this relationship. I was advised to do that right at the start of my visits on TAM and chose instead to try to work on my marriage and try to get my husband to have a sex life with me. However, 18 months down the line, things have deteriorated too much for the relationship to be salvaged. I've lost all sexual interest in my husband and I'm now making my plans to leave. If I'd known that I'd spend so much time, energy and heartache on this, I would have got out then.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

That's life! When we get it, we don't want it. When we want it, we don't get it. (Just look around for the number of 'sex-starved husband' stories around!)

Probably he's just getting it too easy....

Please don't find yourself unattractive. 

This is how chemicals work.

If you divorce and remarry (as many suggest here), there's no guarantee that you won't be in the same position 2-3 years down the line.

I don't know what the solution is... it's tough, I agree.



Gypsywife said:


> My husband is 42 and I am 28. He has an entire book of stories about how he used to have this extended, animal, can go for hours drive but can't seem to have that with me or even seem to pretend to be interested in me when he does ( but boy oh boy you wouldn't know it by all the pics and gifs he downloads). I've tried talking about it, dressing up, getting nasty but to no avail and I find that toys are becoming useless. I can't go on like this. I feel completely lonely, unattractive and undesired. I'm not by any stretch of the imagination ugly but his lack of interest is really affecting me. I'm considering asking for an open marriage or having an affair. What should I do? Please help


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

brownmale said:


> That's life! *When we get it, we don't want it. When we want it, we don't get it.* (Just look around for the number of 'sex-starved husband' stories around!)
> 
> Probably he's just getting it too easy....
> 
> ...


Bullsh!t. When it comes to sex, the more I get it the more I want it. I think this is true for the majority of people unless your drive is on the low side. The problem is that the OP is a young woman and she married an old man. Her old man is too much of a self centered ass hole to experience life with his wife - even if he's "been there, done that". This is why I am hardly a fan of marriages between people where the age range is substantial. Fourteen years is a big range. 

No offense to those who have happy marriages where the age differences are significant. My observations IRL make this a higher probability for disaster. Marrying someone as close to your age as possible is the best possible result IMHO because the odds are great that you and your partner is at a similar starting point in life. I've found that sharing those first times (in whatever activities) together is awesome.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Hi Gypsywife Please think long and hard before you make your decision as it is almost impossible to go back. And one thing you should ask is do you really love him and does he love you? Good luck
Blaine


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Hello, 

Based on your post from another thread, 

"..._My husband has every excuse in the book except those things don't seem to apply to the porn he is CONSTANTLY downloading_."

You probably need to have a discussion with your husband about how the combination of porn and his age are likely a factor in your relationship. It is likely that your husband is overstimulating himself with porn and the fact that he is 42 (can have dwindling desire and hormones) he may be numbing himself to traditional lovemaking. If he is a porn addict, then he seeks stimulation through novelty. Awkwardly enough many people on the internet come full circle and find that chastity can reinvigorate their sex life. Just be dominant with him and take control of his masturbation habits, not that you forbid everything, but make him be mindful in a way that spices things up so that he knows only you can give him his true reward every so often and let him tease himself by pleasing you in the meantime. 

Awkwardly this fetish runs parallel to cuckolding and BDSM on the internet, so a healthier place to start would be Reuniting | Healing with Sexual Relationships but that site goes to the extreme to suggest that men and women should give up orgasms completely, but I think it is just a playful way to discover that LESS CAN BE MORE.

Best wishes, 
Badsanta


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> You should divorce. You do not need to suffer such disrespect and you are certainly young enough to start again.
> 
> Cheating is degrading and damaging to far more people than just you.
> 
> ...


Right here is everything you need to know. Good luck.


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## Gypsywife (Jul 30, 2015)

We can't even hold a conversation without argument. He condescends to me like I am a child or an idiot and has this ridiculous superiority about him. He never does a single thing wrong and I am the cause of all of our problems. I have only ever once gotten an apology and it was after he carried on some dirty talk with a girl he knew which he claims he thought I knew about and was ok with but never once found it odd that I didn't discuss it or try to engage in it.


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## Gypsywife (Jul 30, 2015)

Unfortunately at this point divorce feels imminent. He claims he's screwed up emotionally but refuses to even try. I have no more energy and have been rejected so much I've started to lose physical and emotional attraction to him. I have tried everything and now I just don't care to keep trying. I know I won't have an affair and open marriage isn't an option because I have come to the conclusion that it would hurt too much to see him have for someone else what he couldn't have for me (for a second time) and would just destroy me. Today I discovered that it even hurts to be in the same room with him. I am so resentful and angry and I'm tired of begging for his attention, affection or even basic intimacy. I dressed up in a trashy little number today (something he likes) and he didn't even bat an eye. I'm constantly locking myself in the bathroom or leaving the room at night to cry and always dread having to go back and sit next to him knowing he's intentionally ignorant. No one should feel this unloved and undesired in a marriage. We got into a fight the other night and I told him everything I felt and he called me a liar for trying to hide it even though this wasn't the first or the 100th time I had expressed those feelings. Today I told him nothing is wrong just on my period annoyed and want to be alone because what's the point in telling him anymore? I'm tired of feeling this way, tired of pretending I don't because he manipulates me into feeling bad for feeling this way and tired of being sad all the time. I hate that my marriage is over but I just can't keep feeling this way.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Don't get it. Men are visual. You're 14 years younger than him. My Goodness, he should be all over you. Something is off. If it's not porn or low T, then it could be another woman.

Maybe you need to go James Bond on him. Do you have access to his phone, email, and social media. If you don't , get it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I wouldn't bother with the James Bond stuff, I'd just get rid of him. You have enough to go on and you'll move on with your life quickly.

And I agree with the other poster who said to find someone your own age.


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## britishintex (Aug 22, 2015)

it sounds like he has low self esteem perhaps? he may be rejecting you because he doesn't feel worthy of you. He is acting in a particularly mean way though and I'm sorry to hear that.

I am a man so have a man's perspective, this is what I would do if I were you.

Go sit by him and tell him you love him. Ask him if he is truly happy and if there is anything you can discuss that would make him happier. Tell him you are concerned that he doesn't want to be intimate with you, and ask if there's a reason behind it. 

At this point, he will hopefully respond openly, but it will give you some information about what's going on either way. is he the same man that you married? Did something happen (did he put weight on, lose attractiveness, money worries?)?

keep your chin up.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> I wouldn't bother with the James Bond stuff, I'd just get rid of him. You have enough to go on and you'll move on with your life quickly.
> 
> And I agree with the other poster who said to find someone your own age.


I agree. She doesn't need to waste her time trying to discover he's an idiot. She already knows that. Get rid of him ASAP. This isn't a marriage worth fighting for. You'll find someone else.


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