# Working through things and Hopeful, but Worried...



## hopeful22 (Jan 14, 2010)

I will apologize right now for the novel I am about to write …

I am really here to just express my story and talk about it with people. I’m not really looking for answers because I sort of feel that only I can come up with them for myself, but feel free to share your point of view. 

My husband and I have been married for 8 1/2 years and together for 11 1/2 and we have always been the 'untouchable' couple... both in our eyes and others. Rarely fought, we always talk about everything, we see eachother as equals and I am not a jealous person at all (or so I thought) and so there weren't ever really any concerns with his friends who were women. They were never concerning to me because I always knew them and/or met them soon after he began talking to them. I could tell which ones were attracted to him more than just friends but he seemed oblivious but even so he would not talk to them anymore if I pointed out that someone was interested in him. So, we had a completely trusting relationship until about one month ago this week. He connected with someone emotionally and while she was manipulative and told him everything he wanted to hear I know it was his choice to connect with her and do what went on for nearly a month. 

Over the past month I have been on a roller coaster of an emotional ride and just this past weekend figured out how I really feel vs. how I'm supposed to feel or was being told to feel. I am a very strong person, very patient and very understanding but the roller coaster was coming from being manipulated into thinking that I wanted something other than what I did. Without getting into too many details, this woman that my husband connected with believes in “Big Love” and big families and my husband bought into the idea of ‘sharing’ each other with another couple… While I won’t lie and say it wasn’t an intriguing idea, that’s all it really was for me, an idea/fantasy/etc. that took me 3 weeks to determine the thought of ‘sharing’ was not okay with me. Every time we would all hang out together (as friends) I would literally be sick because of how difficult it was to actually know that they both wanted each other and while this couple’s relationship was this way I couldn’t imagine mine ending up that way. So for a month I pretty much condoned the emotional bond that was formed/forming but I felt that he had to chose us/me on his own or I would never know that he could commit to me again. 

Several times throughout the month I would be very emotional and we would talk all night about things. But he wasn't being completely honest at all times until this last weekend when we laid it all out there and I let him know that I could/would never ‘share’ him and that I would go forward with whatever he wanted to do because either way we weren’t going to make it through what he was putting us through. After two days/nights of solid talking he came to the conclusion that he chooses us (me and our girls) and that he wants to see a psychiatrist/counselor to work through the things he’s feeling and what all went on. He removed all ties to her and her family without me prompting it so that was nice. 

The only red flags left for me are really how I feel and how he says he feels… It is as though last weekend a switch flipped and I was okay with the fact if we split up because it would make him happy and I know I can survive on my own… Ever since this weekend I feel as though I really don’t want my marriage to end but I definitely don’t want him or I to only stay in it for the kids or for reasons that don’t make us both equally happy. He is going through all of the expected emotions (guilt/sadness/etc.) but one thing that bugs me is that he says sometimes he feels as though he did nothing wrong, but he knows that it is wrong. We are trying to work through the ‘why’ of feeling that way… maybe he loves me but we just didn’t realize that we love eachother as best friends and not as lovers anymore? 

I guess the one really good thing that has come out of all of this that we really are talking about everything openly from why it happened in the first place to trying to figure out if we are really just best friends now and that’s why he was able to connect with someone outside of our relationship together. 
I know that all of this is really recent and we’re still working through all of the stages of recovering from infidelity but it’s really helping me to get it all out ‘on paper’. 

Thanks for listening…


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

Wow, what a story. I appreciate you being so honest and open and bearing your heart.

I won't offer advice (as per your instructions LOL), but I will say this. Just because he was sucked in by this obviously manipulative woman (Big Love sounds almost cultish and they are trained to brainwash and manipulate) does NOT mean he doesn't love you as a lover anymore. Heck, even if he has lustful feelings for another it doesn't mean that. Did you jump to that conclusion or is it something the two of you discussed?

Sometimes being best friends for awhile will stoke that lover fire way up high again and then one day, poof, everything ignites and you're the hot, untouchable couple again.

Anyways, keep us posted. Again, really appreciated your honesty. You sound like a remarkable woman.


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## hopeful22 (Jan 14, 2010)

Alexandra said:


> ...Heck, even if he has lustful feelings for another it doesn't mean that. Did you jump to that conclusion or is it something the two of you discussed?
> 
> Sometimes being best friends for awhile will stoke that lover fire way up high again and then one day, poof, everything ignites and you're the hot, untouchable couple again.
> 
> Anyways, keep us posted. Again, really appreciated your honesty. You sound like a remarkable woman.


Thanks Alexandra. He's trying to figure out his feelings and why/how it happened and that's just one of the many things that we have talked about as a possibility. And I don't feel the same right now so it's just a thought that we were tossing around as maybe part of the problem... but I wouldn't expect to feel the same after all that's gone on in the past month. Maybe after a while. But I really hope that what we had reignites because it is/was pretty amazing.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I wish you all the luck in reigniting that fire honey, and I am positive it can be done. It isn't instant, but it does come. Best of luck and I think that him going to see a therapist is a great idea!!


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## hopeful22 (Jan 14, 2010)

I guess I posted to soon... He was talking to them again this week. I'm strong but not stupid. I think I deserve better.... I hope I'm not wrong for telling him it's over but I feel that I deserve better than to be lied to. I was really hoping that he was being truthful... this sucks.


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