# If you had access, would you?



## bbgirl (Jul 20, 2015)

If you and your spouse were separated (not legally, just moved apart.... divorce will get filed months later once you can establish residency.)

And if your spouse changed the password to the online banking on the computer but didn't change the password to the app, that you both have access to....

Would you respect their privacy and delete the app or take the opportunity to keep eye and see what your spouse is doing with the money?

Back story--- my spouse had an affair, lied, and is the one ending the marriage. No remorse, no going back.....

I have kept watch on his account to see what he's doing in his personal time and with money that I don't see (he gives the kids money but doesn't want to help me with temporary spousal support after I've been married for him 13 years, 15 once the divorce is final).

I have noted he's been to strip clubs, comedy clubs, fine dining, adult stores, ect...

During the time I've kept eye, I did not tell him I was aware. But one conversation recently made me blow up and I revealed that I knew what he's been up to.

He said it was an invasion of his privacy.
From my standpoint, we are not legally separated or divorced. We are still "married" and I did not hack into his account....he just failed to change the password on the phone app.

I'll admit for me it's a way of healing, I know how he's spending his time and money (he sure aint missing me) and that's one thing I would have never gotten from him.

I know one day I'll have to fully let go and move on, which means whatever he does with his money is none of my business.... but after everything he put me through, I at least deserve an answer.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

bbgirl said:


> ...(he gives the kids money *but doesn't want to help me with temporary spousal support* after I've been married for him 13 years, 15 once the divorce is final).


Who cares what he wants? Unfortunately, this is one instance where your selfish husband doesn't get to decide.

Go to the courthouse and file a motion for temporary spousal support while the divorce is pending. I cannot imagine a judge not granting it, considering the length of your marriage.

Why haven't you filed for this already?

And h*ll yes, I would keep looking at those bank transactions. In fact, you should print out all the frivolous spending to help show the judge that he does, in fact, have plenty of money to support you.


----------



## bbgirl (Jul 20, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Who cares what he wants? Unfortunately, this is one instance where your selfish husband doesn't get to decide.
> 
> Go to the courthouse and file a motion for temporary spousal support while the divorce is pending. I cannot imagine a judge not granting it, considering the length of your marriage.
> 
> ...


I haven't filed yet because I believe the state law says you have to be residency for 6 months. I just moved here this past summer so we can go forward with the divorce in January. We are trying to make this a smooth transition by doing a dissolution so that we don't have to go to court and pay fees for lawyers.

For the most part he's been agreeable only for the kids. But when it comes to me, his selfish, ugly side comes out. Like temporary spousal support, he doesn't want to pay me at least a year.

Yet he's disgruntled that he's paying the credit cards right now. He did say- "I'll take care of the debt, I don't want to have to pay you spousal support plus the bills"


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I would definitely talk to a lawyer and ask about the requirements for residency with regards to spousal support. You don't have to retain a lawyer to get an answer to that question.

At the very least, the moment you file for divorce (presumably in January) you should file a temporary support order at the same time. Too bad if he "doesn't want to pay you for at least a year." He doesn't get to make that call. A judge does.

And print out all those bank transactions and store them in a safe place.

Sorry you're in this position .


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

What legal protection do you have right now?


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Is this a joint account? If so, you can take half the amount without legal problems, to support yourself. And, you should see a lawyer immediately. If husband has met residency requirements, that may be sufficient to file for divorce.


----------



## Catcake86 (Nov 26, 2015)

If you're not divorced I personally don't see the problem in it. You're still married and nothing should be secret. I recently found some pictures of my husband and another woman on our home computer. He acted as though I was snooping on him, but honestly it's OUR computer and nothing should be hidden. 
It's easy though for things like that to become an obsession.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I think it's bad. 

Not necessarily because of the invasion of privacy, but because you're still focused on him instead of recovering and becoming a better you.


----------



## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> *I would definitely talk to a lawyer and ask about the requirements for residency with regards to spousal support. You don't have to retain a lawyer to get an answer to that question.*
> 
> At the very least, the moment you file for divorce (presumably in January) you should file a temporary support order at the same time. Too bad if he "doesn't want to pay you for at least a year." He doesn't get to make that call. A judge does.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

print them out, check it periodically to print more out, put them away and try not to dwell on it.

He provided you with all that free information to use in the divorce .

But you need to gain some distance from what (or who) he is doing. This is your time to heal and move on.


----------



## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Well, I am torn on this. I do agree that it is somewhat an invasion of privacy because the account isn't in your name. However, you had access to it and you can prove that he has money to give you temporary support and show what he is spending it on. So yeah, print out the transactions and keep it handy in case he wants to be a brat.


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Please don't take his word for how divorce works. Talk to a few attorneys. Even if you do not have any money right now, call for free consultations. Ask them about residency requirements (it may be that just one spouse has to have the 6 mos. residency), and about temporary support while the divorce is pending.

Educate yourself. It may or may not be in YOUR best interest to go the dissolution route. He is probably trying to make it easier on HIM. You only have another month or so to do your homework. Remember, knowledge is power. Read up (google) on the divorce laws for your state.... read up on child support, visitation, spousal support, and division of marital assets. 

In most states, especially the ones who don't award alimony, the deal usually is that you are awarded spousal support for a few years, and possibly money for school so you can gain a career, so that you can get on your feet. 

In the meantime, keep a copy of ALL of the household bills, school related costs, childrens' costs, insurance (health, life, auto, home, and any other that you have had as a married couple), orthodontist, taxes due, taxes paid in the past few years, credit reports (you can do this online and free),bank statements, credit card payments, titles to vehicles, boats, whatever, bank accounts, auto repairs, home repairs, ...... EVERY freakin' THING you can find. Get copies made. The more proof you have of financial needs, the better for you. If he has access to the home, then stash them somewhere else....at work, or at a friends house. The point is to gather as much financial info as possible while you still have access as his wife. And quit telling him that you have this info. Vent here or to your friend, but divorce is business....and you are not supposed to give him an edge. 

Call attorneys! It's time that you have to look out for yourself. He is thinking of himself and his new life..... which is expected..... but you have to do the same. Start figuring out how you are going to do this, how you can make it and be ok. And in the meantime, ask the attorney about the credit cards. SOMETIMES the debt is split 50/50....so if you run up the credit cards for whatever reason, you will still be liable for half. Also....you COULD start stocking up on things. Like at the grocery store.... buy double of the regular stuff that you can store in case he really cuts off the money. (Some people put the attorney fees on the credit card, so even if you have to pay later for this, it should be only half at most.) 

Also, discuss Christmas for the kids. Decide if it will be two separate Christmas', with separate presents.... and how much money (if any) he will contribute for Santa stuff.


----------

