# Love and Respect



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Please, Men only answer the poll question. Ladies check your forum the question/pole that applies to you. If you have read this book please do not answer the pole question. 

I am currently reading Love and Respect - Dr. E. Eggerichs.

In the book certain claims about love and respect have been made as it applies to both sexes.

It is also claimed that this is backed up by his biblical and others scientific research. 

Thanks for you time.


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

How can a woman love a man but doesn't respect him? Don't they go together?
Since showing respect is part of showing love, then if one get disrespected then he would also be unloved.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Tricky question.
I voted for the first option , I could tolerate feeling unloved because we could still be friendly and civil towards each other.

However I find disrespect to be abominable and abhorrent.
There is something about it that grates against my psyche.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

scione said:


> How can a woman love a man but doesn't respect him? Don't they go together?


According to the book. No. Are you saying you need respect to feel love? Or do you need love to feel respected?


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

Not a fair poll. The two go hand in hand with each other. Can't have one without the other

If she's disrespecting you then she can't really love you on a deep level.
If there's no good reason why she doesn't respect you then go find another woman who will. There are so many good women out there who will respect you. There's a TON!


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

CanadianGuy said:


> According to the book. No. Are you saying you need respect to feel love? Or do you need love to feel respected?


I mean if my wife belittled me then I definitely don't feel love from that. Can a woman give me love and abuse me at the same time?


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

I can give an example:

Wife: You are a dumb, stupid son of a b. Why are you even alive, you should die in hell for being so stupid and don't make enough money for me to spend. My ex is way better than you. He can do everything. My co-worker, John, is more handsome than you and he makes more money than you. His d*** is bigger than yours. But I love you.

Is that possible?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Love without respect is not likely. At least a healthy love needed for a lasting relationship. I suppose it's a sliding scale though.

Respect is important for love. The reverse is not true. Surely some couples respect each other as people but are not compatible. Couples who don't respect each other don't have much chance of anything.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

scione said:


> I can give an example:
> 
> Wife: You are a dumb, stupid son of a b. Why are you even alive, you should die in hell for being so stupid and don't make enough money for me to spend. My ex is way better than you. He can do everything. My co-worker, John, is more handsome than you and he makes more money than you. His d*** is bigger than yours. But I love you.
> 
> Is that possible?


For women, possibly. But the important question is what a man reads into this onslaught of verbal frustration. Women do not have to be that blatant or obvious for a man to feel disrespected do they? Ever felt disrespected by the littlest of comments from your wife?


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> Love without respect is not likely. At least a healthy love needed for a lasting relationship. I suppose it's a sliding scale though.
> 
> Respect is important for love. The reverse is not true. Surely some couples respect each other as people but are not compatible. Couples who don't respect each other don't have much chance of anything.


Are you saying that you need respect to feel loved?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> Are you saying that you need respect to feel loved?


Yes. If I am not respected then I do not want any form of love because it rings hollow to me. *Let me tone that down a bit. If not respected then I have to gain that respect or else the love will eventually be gone*.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sorry but I can't pick yes or no

There must be both


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Sorry but I can't pick yes or no
> 
> There must be both


Yes there must be. But in which order. How do you feel loved? 

Creep the ladies lounge and read their responses. Especially Trentons. It will surprise you.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Trenton said:


> Is it really surprising?
> 
> If you had asked me to list loved/respected in order of importance based upon gender my answer would look like this:
> 
> ...


Thanks Trenton. See my PM to you.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

next question:

Is the act of showing love really just showing respect?

Just a thought.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> next question:
> 
> Is the act of showing love really just showing respect?
> 
> Just a thought.


To a man or to a woman? 

Just a thought.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

to a woman CG.

Edit: Because I recognize expressions of love as this, not necessarily in this order:

sex
affection
hugs n kisses
sitting close when together with bodies touching
holding hands
affectionate looks and remarks

The rest is more respect for me. Being an orang, I may be different. LOL


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> to a woman CG.
> 
> Edit: Because I recognize expressions of love as this, not necessarily in this order:
> 
> ...


Are you saying when you show respect to your wife you are showing her love?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I think many outward expressions of love are the same as respect, but not all. I am saying that expressions of respect are not necessarily expressions of love. I can respect another woman and not feel love in my heart; affectionate, passionate love. You know the kind that I would feel with a woman I want to have sex with and live with and marry. Did I say that? Scratch the marriage part, LOL. Kidding

I can have love in different forms for another person without wanting sex; as in sibling, parental or the love a child feels for a parent. Those are love, just not the same, obviously.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Just so I don't forget the question:

Men. In your relationship would you rather feel unloved or disrespected

Edit: by the way, CG, I like your question. I hope you will respect us with your opinion at the end and why you ask.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Just so I don't forget the question:
> 
> Men. In your relationship would you rather feel unloved or disrespected
> 
> Edit: by the way, CG, I like your question. I hope you will respect us with your opinion at the end and why you ask.


Of course. The results of this poll are in the book I mentioned I am reading in the OP. 

The author and other relationship researchers have asked and taken polls on the very same question. 

I am asking to confirm the research. If the results of this pole on TAM are inconclusive I may just stop reading the book and file it in the fiction section. lol. Thanks for you thoughts.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Wow...just wow! even after so few votes on both threads the difference is obvious.

This was a very clever set of threads, thankyou for doing this CG.. 

I have to go away and think about this.

Just wow!


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

waiwera said:


> Wow...just wow! even after so few votes on both threads the difference is obvious.
> 
> This was a very clever set of threads, thankyou for doing this CG..
> 
> ...


Thanks. I would have hoped more people would have participated in the poll after almost 300 views. 

Please vote ! Thanks.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

At first blush this was simple. To me, respect is a condition precedent to love. But then I thought of my shiftless, vagabond, mooch nar-do-well brother for whom I have absolutely no respect but still love because he is my brother – after all.

I think “love” needs to be defined a bit more for this to work for me. But in any case, I’d rather be unloved than not respected by either my wife or my shiftless brother. I’m sure my brother, ironically, feels the same way – no respect but loves me as a brother none-the-less. Curious.

Different types of love (spousal v. family) Ms. Spin observes and I agree.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

If you marry a pro, they can pull off both options without her mark even being aware of it until the hammer drops.
This may not hold true for all, but sure as hell was true for me.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

I also voted for unloved. Guess what - lack of respect makes you feel unloved. It is impossible to be loved but not to be respected!


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

joshbjoshb said:


> I also voted for unloved. Guess what - lack of respect makes you feel unloved. It is impossible to be loved but not to be respected!


The ladies might disagree. Check their poll results. 

Thanks for the vote.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

SpinDaddy said:


> At first blush this was simple. To me, respect is a condition precedent to love. But then I thought of my shiftless, vagabond, mooch nar-do-well brother for whom I have absolutely no respect but still love because he is my brother – after all.
> 
> I think “love” needs to be defined a bit more for this to work for me. But in any case, I’d rather be unloved than not respected by either my wife or my shiftless brother. I’m sure my brother, ironically, feels the same way – no respect but loves me as a brother none-the-less. Curious.
> 
> Different types of love (spousal v. family) Ms. Spin observes and I agree.


I read the poll question to mean love between spouses. With that, I can not imagine my wife loving me in the way I deserved if she did not respect me. At best, it would be like the love for a child or family member.

But I do think that the type of love being discussed does matter.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Sorry - I can't vote in the poll - it makes no sense to me.

If I felt either unloved, or disrespected, then I'm not in a relationship (of the sort we're discussing), surely?

Also, I fail to see how in a marital situation, one can be respected without being loved, or loved without being respected.

So, no vote from me, I'm afraid.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Rags said:


> Sorry - I can't vote in the poll - it makes no sense to me.
> 
> If I felt either unloved, or disrespected, then I'm not in a relationship (of the sort we're discussing), surely?
> 
> ...


I perhaps should have made the question clearer. This is a moment to moment thing or daily. I did not mean for an entire relationship.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

I have met many men whose wives loved them immensely but these men just didn't feel loved. On the other hand, I have never met a man whose wife respected him above all else who didn't feel respected.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

Cant really decide on the poll, I wouldnt tolerate either


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Given the choice, I chose disrespect.

If you love me, you respect me.

If you are not being respectful, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, right up to a very clear boundary.

Overall, the two are too closely linked to segregate them.

But ... I do believe it is possible to love your partner and occasionally slip on the respect slope in terms of behavior that the perpetrator may not recognize as disrespectful.

Which is why it is incumbent upon the offended party to point it out. And if you love me, you'll apologize and not do it again.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Deejo said:


> Given the choice, I chose disrespect.
> 
> If you love me, you respect me.
> 
> ...


During a conflict with you SO other if what she says you perceive as disrespectful do you then feel at that moment she does not love you or is not being loving toward you?


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

I don't know that I feel particularly loved, and while that stings a bit at times, I can deal with it. I can't deal with disrespect, and won't tolerate it. Anymore, at least.

I can't demand that my wife love me, but I can demand respect (or at least demand that there be no perceptable disrespect).


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

CanadianGuy said:


> During a conflict with you SO other if what she says you perceive as disrespectful do you then feel at that moment she does not love you or is not being loving toward you?


Nope. Didn't used to.

Keep in mind you are covering an absolutely huge swath of relationship ground with a very narrow focus.

Disrespect is usually something that builds over time, and generally intensifies because we don't address it ... thus sending the message "I'm ok with you treating me like crap." Then that simply becomes the default mode for interaction.

Even if she does love you, if that is the dynamic you enable, eventually she won't.

But in short, no. My ex was never verbally disrespectful. If anything she would just shut down.

In the case with my ex, I felt unloved ... and thereby, didn't believe that she respected me either. We didn't have an orbit around one another. We built up opposite trajectories. There was a complete and utter lack of partnering as a couple.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

GTdad said:


> I can't demand that my wife love me, but I can demand respect (or at least demand that there be no perceptable disrespect).


:iagree:

This is how I feel also.
The problem with disrespectful treatment is that it encompasses an entire spectrum of behaviours from mild indifference towards your needs to bringing a third party into the marital bed whilst demanding that you sleep on the couch.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

GTdad said:


> I don't know that I feel particularly loved, and while that stings a bit at times, I can deal with it. I can't deal with disrespect, and won't tolerate it.


:iagree:I was trying to think about how I would respond and this sums it up.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

When I knew my s2bxw didn't love me anymore. The final straw was her complete disrespect towards me. Berating me, manipulation of my words, creating double standards. Me setting a boundary, her breaking it, then getting mad at me when I didn't follow my own boundary. (duh?) 

So in other words. I could live with her around and not loving me. According to her she was doing that for our entire marriage. So I say this with personal experience.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

CG this thread reminds me of a book I read. It was called _For Women Only_. It was a book written by Shaunti Feldhahn. It was a book advising women how to understand and love their men. I found it and read it because I was interested in knowing the type of advice this woman was giving women about men. I thought it was very good. Something that really hit me is when she said that men usually equate love and respect as one and the same. Obviously I was surprised there was a difference because I do this. So I see the point of your poll. Maybe you are wondering how true this is because you seem to have been reading on the same subject matter? So I don't think your question is confusing I think it's just how we think. If I was disrespected then I wouldn't feel loved at all. Not one bit. But sisters, friends, and family members are different. To me anyway. And even those definitely have their limits.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

FalconKing said:


> CG this thread reminds me of a book I read. It was called _For Women Only_. It was a book written by Shaunti Feldhahn. It was a book advising women how to understand and love their men. I found it and read it because I was interested in knowing the type of advice this woman was giving women about men. I thought it was very good. Something that really hit me is when she said that men usually equate love and respect as one and the same. Obviously I was surprised there was a difference because I do this. So I see the point of your poll. Maybe you are wondering how true this is because you seem to have been reading on the same subject matter? So I don't think your question is confusing I think it's just how we think. If I was disrespected then I wouldn't feel loved at all. Not one bit. But sisters, friends, and family members are different. To me anyway. And even those definitely have their limits.


Thanks FalconKing. I've read Shaunti's book too. It does touch on that very thing. The book I'm reading currently mentioned in the OP also suggests solutions to modify your own behavior. I have done some of this and it's working. As with anything though it's trial and error and I sometimes slip into old patterns that were not serving anyone any good at all.


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