# Who is lying - him or her?



## sinkingfeeling (May 20, 2011)

Hi - was minding my own business on Friday night, when an email popped up entitled "how's your husband - ha ha ha ha?".

What followed was a steady stream of emails (and yes, I replied trying to get to the bottom of it) saying she'd been having an affair with my husband and that she broke it off and now he's hassling her, called her fat and so she decided to tell me. 

He says it was never more than texting and emailing. He says he broke it off when she wanted to meet up. She says it's was full-blown physically and that he told her he didn't love me. Neither of them has - or is willing -to prove it one way or another. Which one is lying?

The texting is bad. He knows that, has admitted it, apologised, blamed all sorts of reasons, admits he was weak etc etc but loves me and our daughter and wants to make things work. But I can't move forward until I know who's telling the truth about the physical bit. Part of me thinks that cheating is cheating but part of me wants to do everything to keep my marriage together. 

I am booked in for some counselling on my own to start with but just wanted to canvass thoughts from others who've been there. Bl00dy Facebook!


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Spend $400 on a polygraph test for your husband and you will know. If your husband absolutely refuses then you may have your answer already.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

If she won't give details, it doesn't sound right. If he won't give details, that's even worse. HE has the obligation to give all details including phone bills, access to all of his email accounts, and anything else.

She has no obligation to give you anything. You are married to him, not her. But you can continue to ask her for details such as information about parts of his body that are not seen in public. If she has that information, then there is more to look into with him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He cheated with her and that much he's admitted. He prob hasn't told you the whole truth. Sure, she could be exaggerating what happened but it's clear he cheated with her.

Tell him "Now is your chance to tell me everything. Do not lie anymore. I want the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. If I find out you've told me something that isn't true or minimized anything, there will be consequences up to and including me leaving this relationship." 

Hopefully he tells you.

Who is she? IS she married/partnered? If so, you need to out her to her significant other w/o any warning to your husband or her ahead of time.


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## Whattheheck (Oct 10, 2011)

I dont like the polygraph idea to be honest but if he's willing, so be it. 

sounds to me like she might be willing to prove it as she sounds resentful towards him. If so, ask her if she can identiy anything about him that she would only know by having seen him. If she doesnt it could easily be that she doesnt know or she might just guess. If you had a choice of believeing him or her ultimately who would you like to believe. Jealousy is a very powerful and destructive emotion.

I got upset with my wife when i saw her dressed in very sexy outfits at her local seedy hocky club. My wife is as poker-faced as any and at the end of the of the day without evidence you have to decide if your feeling is based on the known facts or info you're fabricating or guessing. 

This women doesnt sound like someone to lose your relationship over if you are otherwise happy. If this is the first time you have every become aware of anything like this then, easy for me to say, but trusting him on this one and moving on could do you wonders. And maybe you need to talk about your sex life aswell, just incase it needs some spice.

I hate facebook too.

And hockey.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Whattheheck said:


> but trusting him on this one and moving on could do you wonders.


oh god no

at the very least he's already admitted to making inappropriate texts.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

If she is married find her husband and forward the mails to him, if she is single find her parents and siblings and send them the mails.

As for your husband write your questions down , give them to him to answer in writing. If he does answer them and you don't accept the answer , ask the question again, be calm and outwardly relaxed. Only bring up the polygraph if you mean it and once you have asked him the questions a couple of times . The polygraph must be a last resort and is not a threat once mentioned it must be carried through to completion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Whattheheck (Oct 10, 2011)

what i meant was, if there is nothing conclusive to suggest it has become physical, don't destroy your relationship over texts which may have been just that. If he did just stop at texts and not want any more then maybe it was filling a void that needs addressing. If you want to interrogate him to the point of exhaustion, that can create more problems. When you accuse someone enough of something they didnt do...eventually they wish they had. So all im saying here is try to keep balanced. Theres worse that can happen than a few texts and it doesnt necessarily lead to something else. At the end of the day, no one knows your husband better than you, so its your call.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Did he tell you how long it was happening? What bout her?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I don't know. Women can be big, fat liars. Maybe she liked him and he wanted more than texting and he said no so now she's pulling this nonsense.

I have no idea to figure out who is lying. Problem is, your husband was an ass anyway-- so does it even matter?


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

I would send the emails to her family/friends

and

have husband take polygraph. As mentioned, if he won't agree to one, you have the answer of what happened.

Once you know the truth, then you get to decide what YOU want to do from there......see if H wants to work on and fix the marriage OR walk (either you or him).


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

ask him specifics then ask her the exact same questions. Toss some ringers in there, some that you made up to see if you can ferret out who's lying about what.
Tell him that he has one chance to sit with you and spill his guts. And give him only that one chance.


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## oceanch1d (Oct 5, 2011)

I would hope for your sake that he is telling the truth, but more likely he is lying. It is easier to fix a relationship if you think the problem is smaller than it really is. From personal experience, he will downplay everything he possibly can (including texting and pretending he thought it "wasn't so bad"--if he is hiding it, he knows its wrong). Some of the best advice I've gotten here/been slowly figuring out is that cheaters lie, lie, lie, lie, especially if they aren't ready to give up the affair (or, in your case, the possibility of others maybe). Even if they are otherwise good people. 

I found out that my H was cheating via a facebook update (the OW posting "I love you ______!!!). I did end up also speaking to her, and she said that he had lied and told her we had broken up, and a bunch of other stuff. My H can spin a story til I don't even remember what I know, and somehow I believed that it was just a friendship gone awry, that SHE was lying, and agreed to work through it. But every month something more came out, until I realized it was a full-blown long-distance relationship. And then, even worse, months after he had NC with her, I found out from his sister-in-law that he had been visiting her several times and talked about leaving me and her moving in with him. We are still working on R but I now see that we have taken lots of mis-steps, and you can't recover if the WS is faking remorse/honesty. 
So, bottom line, I would believe her especially if your H is painting her as crazy or excessively jealous. It sucks to have a nagging feeling that you don't know everything, but suspect much more, and then find out once you've started healing that you are right. And you should ask him to get tested for STDs. I wish I had before but I believed him (not her) and didn't want to jeopardize rebuilding trust. Now I am agonizing that for over a year something could have happened and me none the wiser--I'm a smart girl, my health is not worth his discomfort at the request.


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## sinkingfeeling (May 20, 2011)

Thanks everyone. I think my feelings of suspicion are so strong, I can't do anything else but to separate. He's still not accepting I'll go through with it, I'm sure and I just hope I find the inner strength to do so. One minute I'm fine and resolute, the next minute feeling I'm suffocating and panicking about life for me and my daughter without him. I guess it's just the normal passage - a bit like grief - I just am so shocked that the man I thought was my absolute soulmate could have let me down so terribly, terribly badly and for that reason, whether it was physical or whether it wasn't is a little bit immaterial.

Feeling strong right now. Hope it lasts.

Thanks again for all the replies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I am sorry for what's happened. It is an immensely painful thing to go through but know you aren't alone. 

Question: Does she have a boyf/husband? If so, you need to expose the affair to her partner.

What does your husband say about everything?


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Whattheheck said:


> what i meant was, if there is nothing conclusive to suggest it has become physical, don't destroy your relationship over texts which may have been just that. If he did just stop at texts and not want any more then maybe it was filling a void that needs addressing. If you want to interrogate him to the point of exhaustion, that can create more problems. When you accuse someone enough of something they didnt do...eventually they wish they had. So all im saying here is try to keep balanced. Theres worse that can happen than a few texts and it doesnt necessarily lead to something else. At the end of the day, no one knows your husband better than you, so its your call.


When it comes to an A, you only think that you know your husband better than anyone else. My H lied his ass off. It was just a "flirtation"; then it was only" the one time' ; and finally after nearly a year he told me that it was an A that lasted more than nine months. It was only after my asking repeatedly that he finally told me what had gone on between them. I think that I have the whole truth now, but I'm not sure because his lies destroyed my trust in him. You can't build or repair a relationship on lies and half truths. It wasn't the A that caused most of the damage; it was his continuing to lie and gaslight. Where there is smoke there generally is fire, and she has a right to know the truth; not only for emotional reasons but for her personal health and safety.


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