# How do you feel when WS says "I love you"?



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I ask this b/c in another thread(highwood) the question is 'Does "I love you" bother you the most'. She meant when WS said it to AP. In my case, " I love you" does bother me most-when he says it to ME. I dont understand it. My mind goes kind of numb. I think "Really, then why did you spend a year chasing some other chic at my expense? Is that love to you?"

I find myself unable to say "I love you" to him. Not because I dont love him but b/c I love him differently. I dont say less b/c I havent defined it yet but its definately different than before the A. I look back and realize I was putting him first while remaining his OPTION. It has changed ME. So saying "I love you" to him i something I am struggling with. And hearing it I also struggle with. 

Does anyone else have this experience or something similar? Im not looking for H bashing, just your feelings pls.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

The words along with the actions mean something to me also. I remember thinking "Yeah, right." when it was said to me. Still today, the words do not have the depth that they once meant because of what has occured.

It is never the same.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

To me, when he says he loves me, it's an affirmation of the choice he made to work on things, and verification of the hard work he's done and is still doing. He hardly EVER said it before. And when I say it to him, I am telling him that I love the new and improved him. I hardly EVER said it to him before


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

My H always said it. That means DURING his A, he was spewing "I love you" to me and trotting off to be w/her. So it takes some of that meaning away for me b/c it lets my mind wonder how he can be so callous. I never saw a decline in affection. The only thing is he did 'pick' at me. Quicker to fight with me. Nit picked. But the "I love you's" never left so that means it doesnt mean the same thing to him that it does to me. That bothers me.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> My H always said it. That means DURING his A, he was spewing "I love you" to me and trotting off to be w/her. So it takes some of that meaning away for me b/c it lets my mind wonder how he can be so callous. I never saw a decline in affection. The only thing is he did 'pick' at me. Quicker to fight with me. Nit picked. But the "I love you's" never left so that means it doesnt mean the same thing to him that it does to me. That bothers me.


I agree. This type of behavior is why I can not trust myself and why I have filed for divorce. 

He was saying he loved me to me as he walked out the door to boff her. He was grumpy a lot but still affectionate. 

He did start picking a lot of fights.

He also was not answering his cell phone quickly. It would take him hours to get back to me sometimes.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> I agree. This type of behavior is why I can not trust myself and why I have filed for divorce.
> 
> He was saying he loved me to me as he walked out the door to boff her. He was grumpy a lot but still affectionate.
> 
> ...


yeah, I can see where she invited him to lunch on the Outlook website at work and in 4 minutes- he answered her "YES". It could take him an hour to answer my texts and he NEVER invited me to lunch. NOT one time in all the time he worked there. Yep, 4 flippin minutes. He couldnt answer fast enough. ANd he left it on his calendar so I found it after dday. Yay!! 

I just hope its over now and the triggers will fade over time. Right now just seeing appointments in his outlook- blah.


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## Good Dog (Mar 28, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> I ask this b/c in another thread(highwood) the question is 'Does "I love you" bother you the most'. She meant when WS said it to AP. In my case, " I love you" does bother me most-when he says it to ME. I dont understand it. My mind goes kind of numb. I think "Really, then why did you spend a year chasing some other chic at my expense? Is that love to you?"
> 
> I find myself unable to say "I love you" to him. Not because I dont love him but b/c I love him differently. I dont say less b/c I havent defined it yet but its definately different than before the A. I look back and realize I was putting him first while remaining his OPTION. It has changed ME. So saying "I love you" to him i something I am struggling with. And hearing it I also struggle with.
> 
> Does anyone else have this experience or something similar? Im not looking for H bashing, just your feelings pls.


I don't know if those words in particular are a problem now, but for me I find myself struggling to accept any words she says that are positive. So she'll say, "You're the best husband" or "You look so good today" and my reaction is negative now or at least not what it had been before. So I say, "What the heck does that mean!?" instead of taking it at face value. I know it's not right but it's how I react these days given she basically told me her whole reason for her EA was that he was "more her type of man."


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Good Dog said:


> I don't know if those words in particular are a problem now, but for me I find myself struggling to accept any words she says that are positive. So she'll say, "You're the best husband" or "You look so good today" and my reaction is negative now or at least not what it had been before. So I say, "What the heck does that mean!?" instead of taking it at face value. I know it's not right but it's how I react these days given she basically told me her whole reason for her EA was that he was "more her type of man."


ouch.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> I find myself unable to say "I love you" to him. Not because I dont love him but b/c I love him differently.


Any possibility that with holding saying it is you holding on to your heart a little? A way of not totally giving yourself back to the relationship - of protecting yourself a little?

All totally normal BTW.

Loving him differently is still loving him. You'd be crazy if it wasn't different, but you say you do still love him. Telling him gives your heart back to him - it doesn't let him off the hook though. It's not over when you tell him, it doesn't erase what he did. It just tells him that you do love him.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> Any possibility that with holding saying it is you holding on to your heart a little? A way of not totally giving yourself back to the relationship - of protecting yourself a little?
> 
> All totally normal BTW.
> 
> Loving him differently is still loving him. You'd be crazy if it wasn't different, but you say you do still love him. Telling him gives your heart back to him - it doesn't let him off the hook though. It's not over when you tell him, it doesn't erase what he did. It just tells him that you do love him.


Its more than a possibility. I think thats alot of it. There is a little something else(btb can tell you). But yes, part of it is protecting myself until I see that he is for real. I think he is. I feel like he is. I dont know what more the man could do really. 

And you know I do absolutely still love him. But I do think you may have another point in that I kind of think that if I give him too much, too fast, its rugsweeping and he will see it as him 'off the hook'. And while I am working toward that as fast as I can, Im not quite there. I dont want him to repeat this EVER. What should I do? Just say it? Even if it doesnt quite feel right? (serious question) PM me if you think it better.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I would never presume to tell another when they should and shouldn't tell someone they love them. That's such a personal thing no one can know other than you. 

The thing I would say is there is a difference between "doesn't feel right" and "doesn't feel comfortable." If it doesn't feel right I wouldn't say it. However, if you're waiting for it to feel comfortable before saying it - you're likely to be waiting a while. This is the leap of faith that at some point you have to take if you want to reconcile. When that point is no one can tell you, but when it gets there it still won't feel comfortable but it should feel "right." Leaps of faith never feel comfortable. 

Telling him you love does not let him off the hook - if anything, to me, it obligates him more. It tells him that you are committed to him despite what he did, that in spite of it all you are still on his side. He only gets let off the hook if after you tell him, you let it get rug swept, but honestly I don't see that as an issue for the two of you.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> I would never presume to tell another when they should and shouldn't tell someone they love them. That's such a personal thing no one can know other than you.
> 
> The thing I would say is there is a difference between "doesn't feel right" and "doesn't feel comfortable." If it doesn't feel right I wouldn't say it. However, if you're waiting for it to feel comfortable before saying it - you're likely to be waiting a while. This is the leap of faith that at some point you have to take if you want to reconcile. When that point is no one can tell you, but when it gets there it still won't feel comfortable but it should feel "right." Leaps of faith never feel comfortable.
> 
> Telling him you love does not let him off the hook - if anything, to me, it obligates him more. It tells him that you are committed to him despite what he did, that in spite of it all you are still on his side. He only gets let off the hook if after you tell him, you let it get rug swept, but honestly I don't see that as an issue for the two of you.


and thats why they pay you the big bucks Dr. Sigma. There is a BIG difference in comfortable and right. It is right, its just not comfortable. I think he knows Im committed to him. I hope he does. I do need to do a better job communicating that to him. Im alot about action and not as much about words when it comes to relationships. Like him saying "I love you" while having an A. Actions spoke louder than words there. His actions did not match his words.

Now, his actions are still speaking louder and they DO match his words. Now Im the one with the hang ups here. Go figure. I havent had my ring on since dday. He hasnt mentioned it at all. He doesnt push for me to say "I love you". He says "give what you can and thats enough for now" . He has been patient. At first I couldnt tell him knowing he was still interacting w/her. Now he isnt. He chose me. I have to give something here. I get that. He has lost alot. He is paying a very heavy price but he is still pushing and waiting. So just tell me to get over myself here.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

@ sigma

"He only gets let off the hook if after you tell him, you let it get rug swept, but honestly I don't see that as an issue for the two of you.".....

Why's that?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Its more than a possibility. I think thats alot of it. There is a little something else(btb can tell you). But yes, part of it is protecting myself until I see that he is for real. I think he is. I feel like he is. I dont know what more the man could do really.
> 
> And you know I do absolutely still love him. But I do think you may have another point in that I kind of think that if I give him too much, too fast, its rugsweeping and he will see it as him 'off the hook'. And while I am working toward that as fast as I can, Im not quite there. I dont want him to repeat this EVER. What should I do? Just say it? Even if it doesnt quite feel right? (serious question) PM me if you think it better.


Not sure if this is what you mean..but I kind of think the same thing..I mentioned this in MC last week that I feel if I do not bring it up anymore what H did then in his mind he will think that all is good and like you said he is off the hook.

I think that is why I feel compelled to berate him still in that I want him to realize how stupid he was for doing what he did.

I can't get that feeling out of my head that if I do not say anything anymore than he will feel relieved and think that it is over.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

highwood said:


> Not sure if this is what you mean..but I kind of think the same thing..I mentioned this in MC last week that I feel if I do not bring it up anymore what H did then in his mind he will think that all is good and like you said he is off the hook.
> 
> I think that is why I feel compelled to berate him still in that I want him to realize how stupid he was for doing what he did.
> 
> I can't get that feeling out of my head that if I do not say anything anymore than he will feel relieved and think that it is over.


Well kind of. BUT- I dont berate him. He wouldnt tolerate it. I do express my disappointment but I dont berate him. 

I worry for you HW. I know you are in agony. I see it in all of your posts. Have you gone to IC? Its the FIRST thing I did. It helped.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> @ sigma
> 
> "He only gets let off the hook if after you tell him, you let it get rug swept, but honestly I don't see that as an issue for the two of you.".....
> 
> Why's that?


I don't think you're going to let it and I don't think he wants it to be. I think you both - like btb and I - want to be sure it never happens again and to use the crisis to improve your marriage. I think you are both much more interested in dealing with it and learning from it than with just making it go away.



highwood said:


> Not sure if this is what you mean..but I kind of think the same thing..I mentioned this in MC last week that I feel if I do not bring it up anymore what H did then in his mind he will think that all is good and like you said he is off the hook.
> 
> I think that is why I feel compelled to berate him still in that I want him to realize how stupid he was for doing what he did.
> 
> I can't get that feeling out of my head that if I do not say anything anymore than he will feel relieved and think that it is over.


I hate to thread jack, but you've got an interesting issue in this post. I agree with it 1,000% except for one word - and that is "berate." Berating him with it or about it is counter productive. If that's what you're doing he will feel relieved when you stop - anyone being berated feels relieved when it stops. You can't blame him for that. 

So switch "berate" for "talk" and it's perfect. Talking is productive - it's communication. It is ultimately the only way the two of you will deal with it and move forward. He should never resent you wanting to talk about it. You are completely justified and correct in wanting to talk about it - my wife and I are almost two years post D Day and we still talk about it regularly. 

Talking is two way communication - berating is one way ass kicking. One he owes you - the other he just had to endure.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Well kind of. BUT- I dont berate him. He wouldnt tolerate it. I do express my disappointment but I dont berate him.
> 
> I worry for you HW. I know you are in agony. I see it in all of your posts. Have you gone to IC? Its the FIRST thing I did. It helped.


I do have anger/resentment over what H did however I do not feel it all the time...honestly the majority of the day I feel okay..just the odd time I let myself think about what he did and the emotions come up. It probably comes up more on this board due to the topic at hand. I think I have to journal more as the MC said...I have done a little but not daily.

Haven't gone to IC we are currently going to MC together.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Sigma..you are correct! I do not berate him all the time..we have had some good open conversations about what happened over the last months or so. It is still fairly fresh second dd was only on April 22nd..so not even a month ago.

The MC told me as well to stop doing that...so I know I have to. I am an open person and when I feel some emotion I want to reveal it.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I know this is easier said than done - but the more you can tell him something makes you mad or hurts you vs actually showing him that you are angry or hurt the better things will go. The more you can tell him about the emotions without actually reacting to them the better. Again - I know easier said than done. 

Given that D Day 2 was less than 4 weeks ago - you're entitled to some unbridled emotion.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Well kind of. BUT- I dont berate him. He wouldnt tolerate it. I do express my disappointment but I dont berate him.
> 
> I worry for you HW. I know you are in agony. I see it in all of your posts. Have you gone to IC? Its the FIRST thing I did. It helped.


I have to admit I like that word you used..disappointment..

I think if I let him know that instead of showing him anger that will be more effective in getting my feelings/emotions across.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

highwood said:


> I have to admit I like that word you used..disappointment..
> 
> I think if I let him know that instead of showing him anger that will be more effective in getting my feelings/emotions across.


Also, this is another way I TRY to look at it when talking to him- OK, he chose me. Dont make him regret that choice. Be the girl he loved in the first place. Yes, I express my disappointment BUT I also try and let him see ME. The me he loved in the first place. If ALL he gets from me is heartache and misery....SHE starts looking pretty good again. See what I mean HW? 

Yes, sometimes I want to throttle him. NO doubt. I cant sleep at night. Still cant eat really.I do express my issues w/him sometimes. I talk to him. I NEVER berate him. Sometimes I yell. Buts its frustration and pain. When I yell its usually when Im saying "WHY?" "HOW could you?" BUT- he is trying. He is here and he is fighting for all he is worth to fix this. Yes, he screwed up, big time! There will be no more or Im gone. That said- I want to make myself lovable to him. Then he wont need/want/miss HER and I get my H back. WIN WIN.

IF your H is trying. Really trying- something has to give. Maybe that something could be you???

Again, as Sigma said DD being just 4wks ago definately begs for lots of emotion. Just remember, nothing can be 'unsaid'.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

The words "I love you" have absolutely no meaning to me anymore from him. HIS actions do. I take words with a grain of salt - the "I'll believe it when I see it in action" attitude so to speak.

To me, they are words and nothing more now a days. If he loves me sure as sh!t he better show it rather than tell it.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Good Dog said:


> I don't know if those words in particular are a problem now, but for me I find myself struggling to accept any words she says that are positive. So she'll say, "You're the best husband" or "You look so good today" and my reaction is negative now or at least not what it had been before. So I say, "What the heck does that mean!?" instead of taking it at face value. I know it's not right but it's how I react these days given *she basically told me her whole reason for her EA was that he was "more her type of man*."





Oh wow!!!! I don't know your story but I wonder what's the point staying married to her after what you found out?!


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

I don't recall ever hearing those words directed toward me until she came crawling back asking me to take her off the street.
I couldn't keep from laughing in her face.:lol:


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## Good Dog (Mar 28, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Oh wow!!!! I don't know your story but I wonder what's the point staying married to her after what you found out?!


Yeah, the mindf--k that her words (these and others) brought on is sort of what's brought me to this site. I'd told the situation in a thread I'd started here and a similar one on another site, but someone on the other site thought they'd recognized me so I got paranoid and deleted it here also. Dumb on my part. I'm in a situation where I have a wife who's been great 90% of the time and 10% of the time she'll tear me up pretty badly, but it's enough to keep me going given how hard she's working to make things right with me.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

When my XW tok my hands, looked me in the eyes and told me " I love you, Liam" (this was after her second H dumped her), I was incredulous.
IMO,any WS that tells his or her BS " I love you" is lying. It's like someone coming to your house and killing one of your kids, then telling you they love you.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> I agree. This type of behavior is why I can not trust myself and why I have filed for divorce.
> 
> He was saying he loved me to me as he walked out the door to boff her. He was grumpy a lot but still affectionate.
> 
> ...


The last sentence here is THE main reason I posted this question....

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/46263-did-i-just-pick-up-somthing-not.html

All the above you posted yes went through it ALL to.. And the last sentence you posted just lead to my post above.. It just all comes back like it happened yesterday...


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

Good Dog said:


> I'm in a situation where I have a wife who's been great 90% of the time and 10% of the time she'll tear me up pretty badly, but it's enough to keep me going given how hard she's working to make things right with me.


Good Dog, I can so relate to that.

I'm still with my CW and it's nearly 2 years since D-day. Weeks after D-day, when I decided to forgive & try again, I told her I loved her and, in my case any way, it proved to be a mistake. She saw it as being let off the hook and quickly returned to her bad attitude. It's a long story and I don't want to hijack, but the short of it is I finally told her I don't love her or forgive and never will. And it's worked. She has been respectful ever since.

What is love anyway? I loved her preaffair, but now is different. I do have respect for her, dispite her 3 month PA.

To answer the original question: I actually don't like hearing "I love you": because my CS hasn't earnt enough credibilty yet. Her depth of dishonesty has been so great since D-day until recently when I finally got her to admit a whole lot more. That may change with time.


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## Good Dog (Mar 28, 2012)

Vegemite said:


> Good Dog, I can so relate to that.
> 
> I'm still with my CW and it's nearly 2 years since D-day. Weeks after D-day, when I decided to forgive & try again, I told her I loved her and, in my case any way, it proved to be a mistake. She saw it as being let off the hook and quickly returned to her bad attitude.


Yes, I've seen this problem as well and it certainly relates to what the OP raised in terms of the words "I love you" and a cheating spouse. For us as BS we have to constantly wonder, is s/he saying this because s/he means it, or is it just another manipulation? But it remains a problem because, at least in my case, if I keep this negative spin on things then she'll never be able to fix things with me. So I'm doing my best to swallow my pride and take her at face value again, despite her willingness to be so specific as to why he and other men are inherently more what she's looking for in a man.


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

we use to tell each other frequently "love You" sometimes I would say it first sometimes he would . Since D Day He s told me several dozen times (I ve not said it first once ) I ll respnd back but there s a slim part of my heart that is still locked away . Funny enough use to end texts with an "x" without thinking but don t dthink I ve done that more than a handful of times - *sigh* one day at a time


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