# When does it stop being a rebound?



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Hello All,

So I have been reading and reflecting lots lately, as going through the big D changes everything. I like the idea of M and being in a committed relationship, but am currently jaded on the whole relationship issue due to the hurt delved out and the advantages taken in the name of "commitment" and marriage.

My question is (and I know it is different for each situation and person), does a timeframe or set of criteria need to be met to insure that the "rebound" is avoided? I have seen it written lots lately by people in their xth marriage or relationship since they divorced originally that they were rushing into things and the relationship was nothing more than a rebound.

I recently saw it written (and in several different threads) that the people should take time off for a year after the D is final to insure that they have grown and had time to reflect. 

Is the rebound really necessary? 

Is it not possible to reflect during the separation time and perform this growth/ self exploration, as it seems the ideal is no it is not?

Are all first relationships always a rebound, or is it possible to be ready to date and commit once the D is final?

I guess I am asking what the signs are that someone is ready for committed relationships (as we generally don't know that we have changed at all or enough)?

Being jaded on relationships and commitments due to having been taken advantage of for so many years, I question if my "picker" and judge of character is just wrong and would like to not make the same mistakes again. Yet I enjoy M and commitment. There is nothing like the ideal of knowing that their is someone you share thoughts, dreams, and values with and can count on to be there at the end of the day and have your back no matter what (yes, I was duped and freely admit it, but I wonder how to avoid the same heartache/heartbreak in the future)?


I know there is no magic formula, but there must be things that work better than others in making good matches?

What say you all???


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

When you are not desperate to be in a relationship. 
When you become picky enough that not just anyone will due.
When you don't take $h!t from the new person and sweep it under the rug.

Those are some of my thoughts on when a person is ready for a committed and healthy relationship.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

It all depends. I had one I know that. But even if you do, so what? I don't see the harm, everything happens for a reason.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

It was more an observation as I have seen it stated several times that someone shouldn't be involved in a committed relationship for the first year after a D has been granted. I was wondering where this time frame comes from, as everyone heals and moves on differently, yet this was the absolute time frame quoted. 

I would think that if someone was healing during the separation (which in my state is a required one year time frame), wouldn't that count as well?? I would think that it was a range, such as the general time frame to heal during reconciliation of 2-5 years, and not an absolute. It just seems that the first committed relationship doesn't have to be a "rebound" in my opinion. Am I wrong in thinking that??


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## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

I honestly don`t think you can pin a timeframe on recovery.

It took me 3yr to get over a 4 year committed relationship once.Every time I tried to date during that period, I`d do things like wake up groggy and accidentally call the woman I was dating by my ex`s name to get her out of bed (or something equally moronic). 

I was the first guy my wife dated less than 6mo after she and her husband split. She said that while it scared the crap out of her that maybe it was just a rebound, she knew that she wanted to marry me within the first week. We`ve been together 20+ years now.

Squeekr, from your posts, it`s pretty clear that your a very thoughtful and balanced person. I`ve learned a lot from your insights. From this one, it`s clear that you`re introspective.

Given that, I figure you`ll just know if it`s still rebound. Time be damned man.


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

I think it can depend on when you emotionally separated from the previous relationship. I had left my ex, in an emotional way, well over a year before the actual divorce. All that was left was to legally separate and kick him out. I cried a few times, but otherwise it was like OH THANK GOD I AM FREE. 

My issues would have been there regardless of how much time had passed after the divorce because you don't undue 10 years of spousal abuse/neglect, which was preceded by childhood abuse/neglect, in a month, or week, or even a year. I didn't see why I needed to be alone to heal, so long as I was able to focus on myself and not put 110% into someone else. As long as I didn't use a relationship as a crutch to avoid dealing with my past.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Thanks for all the perspective. It is nice to see others thoughts on this, as some like to believe that all is a cookie cutter world. 

I tend to believe that I will know as well, but at the same time, I question myself as I haven't ben very good at picking in the past and what few "real" relationships I have had weren't what I thought they were (nothing like finding out that your ideals and thoughts are not in line with the others and they stomp all over you because of it).

Happy New Year to all early. Trying to wrap things up so that I might start the new year better organized and ready to face what comes, good or bad, but praying for mainly good.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Mentioned this elsewhere. I've a friend who Divorced his W and within a month found his next W. They dated and went out for years. They married about 4 years later. They've been happily married over 10 years now. 

I think she was a part of his healing. It's important to heal. Only you will know when it's right. Just don't hurt the other person. Let them know what you're going through.


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## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> Thanks for all the perspective. It is nice to see others thoughts on this, as some like to believe that all is a cookie cutter world.
> 
> I tend to believe that I will know as well, but at the same time, I question myself as I haven't ben very good at picking in the past and what few "real" relationships I have had weren't what I thought they were (nothing like finding out that your ideals and thoughts are not in line with the others and they stomp all over you because of it).
> 
> Happy New Year to all early. Trying to wrap things up so that I might start the new year better organized and ready to face what comes, good or bad, but praying for mainly good.


Fair enough. If there is one thing this forum`s taught me it`s that no matter how well you think you`ve got your heart`s dice loaded, you can still come up snake eyes.

Best in the New Year to you and all as well.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I think it really, REALLY depends on the person and where they were in their marriage. 

If you were relatively healthy and the relationship was relatively healthy but your spouse lost their mind and had an affair, then I think recovering afterward might be shorter and indeed you could reflect and grow during the separation and time it takes to get the divorce finalized. Then again, I'd kind of wonder if everything was so healthy--why did it end? 

On the other hand if the relationship was dysfunctional, you'd have to take the time to REALIZE it was dysfunctional, realize the part you played in the dysfunction, work at changing that behavior and your thought process... and then learn healthier options! All that takes time! Thus you could start down that road during the separation but usually, as the marriage breaks and people live apart that's about when they are just beginning to see how messed up it was. Frankly, while you're in the midst of it, usually people think that what they have going on is "pretty normal" and don't see the abnormality until they are away from it. And often while people are in the midst of it, they have various addictions etc. of their own to overcome (like anger addiction). 

So you can see, in an instance like that, that the separation year is when you begin to realize and maybe start seeing your role in the mess...and start discovering healthier options. And the second year (the year after the divorce is finalized) you might have had some time to ingrain the new thoughts and new behaviors enough to change for the better. 

If you DO NOT take the time to see what (if any) part you played and work on yourself, then the chances are about 99.99% that you'll meet another person like your ex who has similar personal issues and similar dysfunction...and you'll just do it all over again. 

For me, personally, we separated, I filed, and it finalized in about a year, and after that I took about 3 years off to get myself in order, get my finances in order, get my kids stabilized, and get ready enough to know what I wanted in a partner.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Affaircare said:


> I think it really, REALLY depends on the person and where they were in their marriage.
> 
> If you were relatively healthy and the relationship was relatively healthy but your spouse lost their mind and had an affair, then I think recovering afterward might be shorter and indeed you could reflect and grow during the separation and time it takes to get the divorce finalized. Then again, I'd kind of wonder if everything was so healthy--why did it end?
> 
> ...


This is poetry.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I know that when I was single I avoided anyone that wasn't completely indifferent toward their ex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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