# Not giving up, but getting tired.



## notdone

I'm trying hard to build a better relationship with God and have faith. My only wife of 27 years left 10 months ago. We have 3 fine teenagers. She had tried to leave months prior, but stayed after a long talk and really let her know I love her. I didn't beg or plead then, but tried to understand her feelings. She told me I had not tried around the house very well. I had been doing most everything, cooking, helping with cleaning, yardwork, etc. with little help from her, but at least together when she wanted to. I've been very involved with coaching our kid's sports teams, working hard, and creating family fun times. I love her family and help or get involved when called to. While I was shocked that she wanted to leave, I tried even harder. She began to withdraw more. She left months later anyway with no discussion, no verbal warnings. Shocked all of us. After she left, I've been told (not by her, but through others) I didn't include her enough, but firmly recall she didn't want to be included and let her be. Been labeled controlling. Been told I wasn't considerate of her feelings. Been told I didn't back her in her crisis moments with my real thing controlling family. I tried to be a wishy washy peacemaker, BIG mistake. No cheating, No abuse, no drugs, no addictions. The only real thing (and yes I see these as significant) I see is lack of communication in making her feel more special and some lesser evils like working too late, being late and the occaisional slacking off when I burned out. I never forgot to plan an anniversary or birthday and was good at writing sincere, loving messages.

I've read books (Divorce Busting, Divorce Remedy, Hope for The Separated, The 5 Love Languages and more) and been to Christian MC for all these months. Did the Love Dare (that parts that I could, we've only seen each other 6 times) Its like dealing with a wall. I havent been able to get past goal one, I get no involvement or get shut down. I'm starting the Love Must Be Tough next. Given her acres of space, sometimes no contact for 2 weeks. Tried initiating dates, happy talks and I do not ask her for anything or her whereabouts. I pray every day several times, I read the word twice a day and contemplate on it. She has not told me where her house is, I havent asked. I keep things positive and there have been no blowups. I've put even more effort into helping our teens and strengthening all my relationships. 

Now better educated, I recognise hopefully where I made mistakes. She's a sensitive, quiet, considerate and loving person. I could have done a better job and been more sensitive to her now that I know and can realise when things aren't correct for her, not everyone else, but her. I could have done a better job including God in our marriage. She would not go to counseling when she dropped her first bomb and would not when she finally left. I should have immediatly after the first bomb.

She waited 8 months afer leaving to tell me she wants a divorce. I've told her that I will be kind and not be in the way. I believe that God calls us to live in harmony and peace. I will not initate it, nor will I do the footwork. I believe marriage is til death do us part, but I will let her go and move on. I will do all I can to protect our teens from injury- no moving, no changing schools and healthy encouragement to see all in-laws. She says she's happy and her family supports her. She has not taken a thing from the house, even with me asking her to take anything she needs. She wants no help from me. She has a good job. Aside from pleading with her in the first few days, I've not begged her to come back. I'm nearly always kind and gentle and am quuick to apoligise when I consider later that I seemed irritable or dismissive- this was something I realised too late was a problem.

I "got a life" , renewed healthy hobbies like backpacking, dog training and going more places (we live in Colorado) with our teens and my renewed "safe" male friends. Our household finances were a mess but are now in order (she is an accountant, was the bill payer now I am, yes I could have done better here too) I'm a regional sales manager and just completed my best year in 5 years. I help our teens run the household smoothly and step back when I feel they are being smothered.

I guess for the moment, she's done. The only hope I see is being patient enough to wait on God. I'll try Love Must Be Tough and do my best. I'll stick to the 180. Seems like reality is I'll be divorced, but accepting that right now isn't being faithful.


Thanks for letting me vent and reading this long post. Please comment or offer any solutions or criticisms.

I'm tired.


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## debster

Sounds like you are doing an awesome job. I'm sorry that it is not giving you the results you seek. There must be something missing from what you have described, because it would seem that you would be more at peace rather than tired. You have given it your best shot. Are you happy with the new you? Besides having your wife at your side (let's put that aside and treat it as utopia for now), what else is missing from your life to make you really happy? You have to find that sweet spot, so that your happiness is not tied to your marriage (or any relationship for that matter). At some point you will go through grieving the loss of your marriage, or maybe you are going through that now, which is why you're tired. Keep your faith, but continue to focus on you, and ready to accept whatever God's plan is for your life.


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## Po12345

I hear you, I'm Christian, wife agnostic. I worked for 2 years to fix things only to have her revert back and make another huge stupid mistake, and then tell me "I checked out two years ago". 

Now I'm trying to trust in God but in reality I'm angry at Him... we are careening towards divorce, she is insisting on it, I have no control and no sense of individuality left.


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## sandc

Notdone,
Is your wife a believer?


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## notdone

Thanks Debster,

What's missing? Hmm. Well, besides my wife, nothing really in this world but being able to share get togethers with my wife's family and ours as a whole. Many are very close friends. I miss those occaisions.

In me, I have to say an even closer relationship with our Lord. I'm working on that. I am beginning to see I'm ok without a woman in my life, even though I do miss my wife alot. Honestly though, if this is over, I will pursue dating. Nothing serious, I do still love women and se them as a gift.

PO12345: I hear you being angry. I'm accepting God doesn't force people, but does provide his word. I'm ok with that and hope I stand strong in other adversities. I think its normal to have those feelings and hard to work through them.

SandC: I've heard my wife confess her belief in God and say she believes in Jesus. We didn't go to church as much as we should have. I could have done a better job leading. I try very hard to provide unconditional love now. Truth is, I withdrew somewaht in face of rejection. Not so now. But Tough Love and the 180 are my only actions left that I know of. I'm not hiding or withdrawing, I'm on when she calls.


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## 2ntnuf

I remember just reading the New Testament during break and lunch at work. It was the only thing which took my mind off of my misery and only for short periods of time. I relied on the word and concentrated on understanding it to the best of my ability. I have no children to care for since they are grown. I am alone or should I say, I am alone with God.

I was so angry with God. I can't even express to you in words how I felt. I finally decided I was going to tell Him. I yelled. I hollered. I told Him how angry and hurt I was. I told Him how I felt. When I was done, I felt so relieved, I couldn't believe it.

I told Him I loved Him and trusted Him. Asked Him to never leave me. I finally gave up. I don't want you to think I was suddenly cured or anything. For that moment and until today, I feel closer to Him. He died for me. Just as He died for you.

I eventually realized there was nothing I could do. I had to let God do His work. I would do mine. I would pray for her and for myself and just let things happen that were out of my control. I had to rest in Him as much as I could. 

I have a thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/politics-religion/63816-peace-inspiration-new-post.html

Go there. Post what you need to get you through, if you want. Let it be a place of peace for you as well. It is for us to find a little rest once in a while. I only ask that you keep to the theme. Read the first post. No one bothers me when I am there. I write what I want to get me through. No one comments. It is a place to be still and contemplate. 

I wish I had sage advice. I don't. Good luck and God Bless. It sounds like you are doing all you can.


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## sandc

Is there an OM in the picture?


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## notdone

No other man. I'm pretty sure. No evidence of one-I've done my homework. BUT, there have been sigificant female influences from her closest friends. She claims her family supports her. I know slightly otherwise. They love her unconditionally, but still love me and want me involved with all our kids.


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## sandc

So sad. I wonder how she can reconcile just walking away from a marriage with her so-called Christian beliefs. I say that as a Christian myself. She knows that her vows were not only with you but with God Himself. I wish I could spend a day inside the head of someone like your wife.


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## notdone

I have been doing the 180 and had not had any contact with her for the last 10 days. Today she needed money and started with "I'm sorry to bother you". I listened and assured her it was no problem. Light, friendly, loving familiar tones from me. She was engaging, then ready to go once business at hand was done.

I wish there was more. I hope she made a baby step in appreciating me. Wondering if at some point I should say something about what this is doing to me and our teens. I just don't understand how someone can walk away from a not- perfect- probably hurting- because I'm not a mind reader- thing.
I've acknowledged, owned up, apoligized and kept a confidence only God can provide.

Back to the 180.


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## Rough Patch Sewing

Notdone,

I know that this is little consolation, but I admire your perseverance, and it is a blessing to see that you are growing in your relationship with the Lord. Keep praying for your wife and the things that you are doing, 180 and such.

Do you truly feel like you are giving her the real attitude you feel in your heart and head when you do see her on those occasions?

It is good to have close friends support you and help you through this time so that you can have the confidence and support to do an authentic 180. 

I pray that the God leads you in all truth, comfort, and love as you push through this trial.


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## notdone

Rough Patch Sewing said:


> Notdone,
> 
> I know that this is little consolation, but I admire your perseverance, and it is a blessing to see that you are growing in your relationship with the Lord. Keep praying for your wife and the things that you are doing, 180 and such.
> 
> Do you truly feel like you are giving her the real attitude you feel in your heart and head when you do see her on those occasions?
> 
> It is good to have close friends support you and help you through this time so that you can have the confidence and support to do an authentic 180.
> 
> I pray that the God leads you in all truth, comfort, and love as you push through this trial.


Thanks for your reply, I appreciate it. I learned this weekend she is "going out on dates" per our teenagers. Why she chose to tell them this first is beyond me. At this point I'm ready to proceed with a divorce. She's been gone now for a long time and we've made no progress. She has not so much a hinted a reconciliation. I'm looking for council on God's answers on whether or not I should not divorce. I do not have a confession from her that sex is involved. Her happy disclosure to our teens was very upsetting to them. It's not as though she has been cut off by me, the communication has been light and friendly but scarce as in once or twice in 2 weeks for a long time. I'm upset with this development, but have chosen to not contact her about it until I'm satisfied with the council I seek, including God's.


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## sandc

If filing for divorce does not wake her up than possibly that is God's answer? I would go ahead and file. You are not Hosea and are not required to be married to an adulterous wife.

One of our church elders is married to a woman who divorced her husband for serial cheating. She is now married to our elder and quite happy.


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## notdone

Thanks, Sandc, I'm not sure if just "going on dates" is adulatory. Do I need to know if sex is involved to claim this before God? I'm coming to the acceptance that desertion may be my grounds before God. For a Christian to initiate divorce is tough, I really need to know God is OK with me doing so. I will pray and hope he provides me with the answer as well. Perhaps he already has...


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## sandc

notdone said:


> Thanks, Sandc, I'm not sure if just "going on dates" is adulatory. Do I need to know if sex is involved to claim this before God? I'm coming to the acceptance that desertion may be my grounds before God. For a Christian to initiate divorce is tough, I really need to know God is OK with me doing so. I will pray and hope he provides me with the answer as well. Perhaps he already has...


While I can understand that you don't want to assume the worst you cannot be naive about this. She is not acting in a Christian manner I think it's safe to assume that... she is not acting in a Christian manner.

The whole world has changed for her. Pray for her daily and let God have her. You are no longer responsible for her.


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## Rough Patch Sewing

notdone,

To follow scripture is hard. Jesus brought the law of God to become a bigger matter of the heart. Matthew 5:31-32 on the matter of divorce gives permit to divorce for the cause of sexual infidelity.

If she is dating, then she is clearly going on her own and doing her own thing right now... as if you are already divorced. It is assumable that she is committing adultery. If she is barely talking to you, then she probably will not open up about infidelity. 

But, I hope that you can get some proof, or at least see that she is covering up adultery.

From what you know about her, who she is as a person, can she look you in the eyes and not show an inkling of guilt about having an affair. Knowing that you are separated, she may feel like it is OK. But, if she were to look you in the eyes and not show obvious guiltiness, while you are still officially married is another thing.

On the occasions that you do talk at present, does she give you any eye contact? You might be able to tell that she is covering up adultery. 

I am praying for you and hope that she sees what she is doing is not God's will and that reconciliation can take place. In the 7 Husband Habits video link in my signature box there is a sign up for a free Win Her Back report. In that report I quote a police officer friend of mine who told me some professional ways to look into someone's eyes to see if they are telling the truth or not. I hope that it could be of help to you if you want to try to learn some ways to tell if a loved one is lying or not.

Please let me know how things go as this progresses. It is always good to help one step at a time.


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## notdone

Hi Rough Patch,

Thanks for your advice and prayers. I really appreciate it. Wow, what a roller coaster.

For the moment, I'm hanging in there. I'm waiting on a clear sign from God. At times, I'm ready to move on and file myself. Then I'm not sure if that fits into God's plan. I guess I'll always feel unconditional love for her. Who knows, maybe she is working through depression or other issues and God wants me to stand by. She is not of the character she normally would be. I get that she must have been in pain for sometime before she left unexpectedly and accept my part in that (part not all). It's the unknown that get me emotional. Gradually I'm coming to work through accepting each day and my contribution to or lack of in my own life. That's all I can do. If she's off to someone else, well, I can continue my own progress and become a better man for her now or someone else after the divorce.

The toughest part is coming to believe that its time to file myself or wait.. I doubt she's going to let me have a meeting with her, but I will try for the opportune moment.


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## Rough Patch Sewing

notdone,

Wow. I commend you for your patience, temperance, and faithfulness to your wife. You are her husband and you really prove it!

I see that you refuse to put her in a category and then that is that. You are digging deep to try to understand her, even if she is acting like a totally different person. Depression can have that effect. 

I am praying that you do not have to end up filing. I am praying that your marriage gets back together. Full reconciliation and becoming better than ever thought possible. With God, that is possible. Prayer is powerful in things like that. 

If you do not already consider fasting as something to do in faith, and to get closer to God, then I hardily recommend it!

I am certainly praying for you, brother.

Yours is a labor and trial of love.

I commend you for working to better yourself, and giving her the space she wants. In time, I pray that she sees you as the attractive and irresistible man of her dreams that you were before -- and can be once more.

I pray that trust and commitment is restored, fully. To help you out, I recently wrote this blog post on 4 secrets of re-framing a relationship and re-building trust. It is serious, but also has a surprise story about another Christian man you may have heard of.

He's lost his first marriage, but earned big trust quickly the 2nd time around.

I will be writing a piece on subtle ways to get that casual 1st meeting that can re-frame the relationship in the next day or two. I will let you know when it is done. I write to help. When I get to help someone that I have an active conversation with, I get really excited. But, not because you are going through the ringer, but because I can offer what I have to give.

Please keep us all updated if you can. I will check back more frequently now.

God bless you. You are a man of integrity!


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## mupostori

I think you can also ask her to inform you when or if she has sexual relations ,only then can you file 

your patience is commendable . Are you going to church as well , when I am stressed I listen to gospel music and my mood changes "I smile"


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## Rough Patch Sewing

Psalm 91:14-15

14 Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name.

15 He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.


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## notdone

Thanks Rough Patch and Muposotri,

It appears as though she now wants divorce without hesitation and is hiring an attorney. I will give it to her. I'm tired of the waiting game and after much studying it seems as though: 1. I have no choice once she files. 2. There are interpretations from Paul that would indicate she has deserted me. 3. While I have no proof of her infidelity (although the world seems to think this is ok during separation-I don't and wont).

I will trust in the Lord to walk beside me and provide the miracles to a better way. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy outside of my relationship with my wife. I can only guess that she must have weathered her choice long ago. I just wish I had known her pain. It hurts to think of what what I now know she must have been thinking. I tried my best with what I had and tried harder when I knew.

Off to a new life. Ready to call the game on this. I don't want to be patient with her long decision making process or lack of, she actually told some close friends of ours months before she told me. I'm beginning to think her happy confession to our teens was just a twisted way of getting me to give my approval to divorce. I didn't let on anything. Now her announcement.


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## sandc

So sorry my friend. But you have been waiting for a sign from God. When she files that is an unmistakable sign. Trust that God has plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future. Sanctification is not always pleasant but at least you know He is moving in your life.

Make sure the church she attends knows that she refused reconciliation with you. If indeed she attends one. The church elders should be apprised of that fact. Have your elders draft the letter.


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## Rough Patch Sewing

sandc said:


> So sorry my friend. But you have been waiting for a sign from God. When she files that is an unmistakable sign. Trust that God has plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future. Sanctification is not always pleasant but at least you know He is moving in your life.
> 
> Make sure the church she attends knows that she refused reconciliation with you. If indeed she attends one. The church elders should be apprised of that fact. Have your elders draft the letter.


Wise counsel. It is important for her to understand the implications for the choice she has made... and the options she has refused. I do not speak of condemnation, but that she realize just how serious God takes marriage and vows. God smiles on the righteous my friend. Your wife is not your enemy. But there is a spirit of this day and age that cheapens what God holds sacred. That spirit is our enemy. Eph. 6, I mean.

Psalm 34


34 I will bless the Lord at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth.

2 My soul shall make her boast in the Lord: the humble shall hear thereof, and be glad.

3 O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together.

4 I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.

5 They looked unto him, and were lightened: and their faces were not ashamed.

6 This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles.

7 The angel of the Lord encampeth round about them that fear him, and delivereth them.

8 O taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him.

9 O fear the Lord, ye his saints: for there is no want to them that fear him.

10 The young lions do lack, and suffer hunger: but they that seek the Lord shall not want any good thing.

11 Come, ye children, hearken unto me: I will teach you the fear of the Lord.

12 What man is he that desireth life, and loveth many days, that he may see good?

13 Keep thy tongue from evil, and thy lips from speaking guile.

14 Depart from evil, and do good; seek peace, and pursue it.

15 The eyes of the Lord are upon the righteous, and his ears are open unto their cry.

16 The face of the Lord is against them that do evil, to cut off the remembrance of them from the earth.

17 The righteous cry, and the Lord heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles.

18 The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.

19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out of them all.

20 He keepeth all his bones: not one of them is broken.

21 Evil shall slay the wicked: and they that hate the righteous shall be desolate.

22 The Lord redeemeth the soul of his servants: and none of them that trust in him shall be desolate.

God is pleased with your faithfulness and has allowed this to happen. My heart and prayers go out to you brother.


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## Rough Patch Sewing

notdone said:


> Thanks Rough Patch and Muposotri,
> 
> It appears as though she now wants divorce without hesitation and is hiring an attorney. I will give it to her. I'm tired of the waiting game and after much studying it seems as though: 1. I have no choice once she files. 2. There are interpretations from Paul that would indicate she has deserted me. 3. While I have no proof of her infidelity (although the world seems to think this is ok during separation-I don't and wont).
> 
> I will trust in the Lord to walk beside me and provide the miracles to a better way. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy outside of my relationship with my wife. I can only guess that she must have weathered her choice long ago. I just wish I had known her pain. It hurts to think of what what I now know she must have been thinking. I tried my best with what I had and tried harder when I knew.
> 
> Off to a new life. Ready to call the game on this. I don't want to be patient with her long decision making process or lack of, she actually told some close friends of ours months before she told me. I'm beginning to think her happy confession to our teens was just a twisted way of getting me to give my approval to divorce. I didn't let on anything. Now her announcement.


If only there were more men of your courage and strength. God bless you.


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## sandc

Rough Patch Sewing said:


> Wise counsel. It is important for her to understand the implications for the choice she has made... and the options she has refused. I do not speak of condemnation, but that she realize just how serious God takes marriage and vows.


They can provide her counseling but they also need to know in case she decides to start another affair. Possibly with someone in the church. I'm actually hoping that she's not attending church.


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## notdone

Rough Patch and Sandc, thanks so much. I appreciate your kind thoughts and counsel. I keep hoping and praying for her to have that watershed moment. No she doesnt attend church that I know of, but does claim to pray. I'm trying to be patient, this is a long process just getting her to provide input on our teens. Promises to communicate, then doesn't. I can only hope she's consdering her choices.. Keep in mind she must have been suffering long before she reached this point of being so flooded that now she functions in a way I don't understand.

Hmm. Patience.. Tolerence of pain. Suffering for The Lord. Glad my thoughts aren't out loud. I can see where my actions reflect my thoughts. I apologise to God alot. I still havent done anything n(other than talking to our friends-that has to stop) stupid that I can see. I'll keep on working towards better weeks without her.


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## sandc

Even in your anger with God you still acknowledge Him. In this you are still FAR better off than the unbeliever. Through infidelity we get a very small taste of the hurt that God feels when His people chase after idols. Feel free to vent to Him. However, I think there will come a day when you thank him for uprooting the tares from your fields. When you are staring at a bountiful harvest of fruit, the pruning you went through will feel worthwhile. But this season of your life will be a bear to get through.


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## notdone

Thanks! It's all so true. A great vision to look forward to as well. I really appreciate the support.


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## sandc

The best of all God's Providence my friend...


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## Rough Patch Sewing

I believe you when you say to keep in mind she must have been suffering long before she reached this point of being so flooded that she now functions in a way you do not understand.

I take it that something changed in her that is radically different now than how she would feel and respond to you before. I think that it is safe to assume that she has never responded this way while she was with you. To your knowledge, has she ever responded to anyone else this way before meeting you?

That answer may unlock a hidden reason for how she is responding and her behavior toward you now. I couldn't say that there is a direct link to how she is treating you now if she had responded this way in the past, but you may gain insight you had never considered before.

Since you said that you would stop talking to friends about this stuff, and perhaps her family is out of reach, has there ever been this kind of information passed to you before all this?

During good and bad times with my wife I have had opportunities to ask my wife's parents questions about how my wife behaved while she grew up. I always bare in mind the fact that they are telling me "stories" based on their point of view. 

However, it always helped me to also understand how she felt due to the way she was raised by her parents. It has become a point of connection for my wife and I. And, it has allowed me to understand why she does certain things that hurt me, but are unintentional on her part.

You may not have that in your arsenal now, but it is food for thought perhaps.

And...

Although, you candidly speak with God about the turmoil you feeling right now, doing so can be done with your weakness in mind. Isaiah pronounced a curse on himself because of the Holiness of God that overwhelmed him as he was in God's presence. God provided the cleansing of his wicked lips by the touch of the burning coals of the throne room of God. 

We now can enjoy direct access through Jesus to the Father. And, we can truly feel and share our feelings with Him, and anger at the injustices, and pains of life, while recognizing that it is by the spilled blood of Jesus that we have a way to Father God. Psalms is replete with this sort of pleading and wailing our grief with God.

In that you gain your hope for brighter vision of a future that God has in store for you. From that relationship, God is yours and you are God's. 

I know of no other way of saying that without coming off as uncaring and preachy. 

And, you are in my prayers.


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## notdone

Rough Patch,

Thanks so much. Rereading this a week later helps me get your last post to soak in.

She wants a divorce, yet she doesnt respond to me asking questions about what she wants for herself when it's over. The car, the money, etc. I have to guess she's thinking it over, wnats more than she thinks I'll give and resists of even the slightest confrontation. I'm getting so frustrated with her lack of response ( as in contact in a week) I'm thinking I'll have to use an attorney to badger her. Not what I want to do.. Just frustrated.

I'm not bitter. I don't like being ignored, but otherwise I still think her in fond terms of the past, but ready to move on.


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## sandc

As painful as this is going to be, I suggest all your future communications to or from her be through your attorney. Again, so sorry this is happening.


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## sandc

My wife sent this to me today as an encouragement. We have a special needs son so we tend to need a lot of encouragement from each other. I hope this encourages you as well. It was written by Chuck Swindoll.



Few people in the first century had a deeper understanding of God’s grace than the apostle Paul. Redeemed from a life of vicious brutality as a rigid legalistic Pharisee, the man turned the corner, repented, and through Christ’s empowering became a gentle soul, gracious and affirming. Understanding. Forgiving. Approachable. He reached the place where he was willing not only to offer hope to the Gentiles, but to live among them, though he himself would bleed pure Jewish blood.

No one that I know endured the level of hardship Paul did as a good soldier of Christ. What makes him all-the-more amazing is this: never once does he leave a hint of complaint over being chained to a burly Roman soldier or about the inconvenience of being confined to such cramped quarters. The man simply would not grumble. By God’s grace, he lived above it all. I repeat, he had learned the secret of contentment.

The great temptation is to allow that to embitter you—to turn you into someone who lives under a dark cloud, where doom and gloom characterize your outlook. Life’s hard. You live in a situation that resembles a house arrest. You feel chained to your past, unable to escape the restrictive circumstances. Maybe you’ve lived this way so long that negative thinking has become a habit. You can’t imagine thinking any other way.

I’ve got wonderful news: there is hope beyond your circumstances. You can live above them. If a man named Paul could live above his unbelievably trying circumstances, so can you. But Christ must become your central focus. He, alone, can empower you and teach you to live above the duress of adversity. Your external circumstances may not change, but deep within, you will. As Christ is allowed first place in your thoughts, changes will occur. Those changes will be evident to your mate, your children, your friends, and your coworkers. Instead of seeing yourself as a victim, you will begin to realize a strength that is not your own. The result? You will make a difference because of the way you respond to the circumstances that once defeated you. To the people closest to you, your contentment despite your circumstances will be nothing short of heroic.

Cling to hope! Focus on Christ, despite your circumstances.


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## Mr Blunt

*Focus on your relationship with God, your children, and any other interests that you enjoy*. Your wife is taking up too much of your life and emotions. I know that it is hard but you seem to be making progress in that area.

By you focusing on your spiritual growth, your children, and other positive activities, you will gain so much. In fact, this time will be one of the times that you will grow the most spiritually. You are finding out that you can not trust anyone 100% but God. *Once you are over your wife you will feel a lot more secure knowing that God was with you all along and that you remained faithful. That will be a strngth for your whole life.*

When you suffer you are being tested and if you respond correctly it will build your faith. *Your wife has a free will and God can but He will not overrule her free will*. However, the consequences that she will have to face in the future will have an affect on her. She will have to face the fact sooner or later that she abandon her children and broke the marriage. What ever grass she thinks is greener away from her children will wind up being a very damaging event to her emotions and spirit.

When the inevitable consequences kick in (maybe months or years) she may come back to you or she may just never come back to you. If she comes back she will be damaged and it is up to you if you want to go through the pain to help you both recover as best as you can.

You wife will eventually have to face the fact that a woman around 40 years of age that has three children, and has abandoned her children, and betrayed her husband will have a hard time finding a good man to pick up the damaged emotions that she will have.

*You need to take care of you and your children. Pray for your wife but she should not be in your top priority list*


----------



## debster

sandc said:


> My wife sent this to me today as an encouragement. We have a special needs son so we tend to need a lot of encouragement from each other. I hope this encourages you as well. It was written by Chuck Swindoll.
> 
> 
> 
> Few people in the first century had a deeper understanding of God’s grace than the apostle Paul. Redeemed from a life of vicious brutality as a rigid legalistic Pharisee, the man turned the corner, repented, and through Christ’s empowering became a gentle soul, gracious and affirming. Understanding. Forgiving. Approachable. He reached the place where he was willing not only to offer hope to the Gentiles, but to live among them, though he himself would bleed pure Jewish blood.
> 
> No one that I know endured the level of hardship Paul did as a good soldier of Christ. What makes him all-the-more amazing is this: never once does he leave a hint of complaint over being chained to a burly Roman soldier or about the inconvenience of being confined to such cramped quarters. The man simply would not grumble. By God’s grace, he lived above it all. I repeat, he had learned the secret of contentment.
> 
> The great temptation is to allow that to embitter you—to turn you into someone who lives under a dark cloud, where doom and gloom characterize your outlook. Life’s hard. You live in a situation that resembles a house arrest. You feel chained to your past, unable to escape the restrictive circumstances. Maybe you’ve lived this way so long that negative thinking has become a habit. You can’t imagine thinking any other way.
> 
> I’ve got wonderful news: there is hope beyond your circumstances. You can live above them. If a man named Paul could live above his unbelievably trying circumstances, so can you. But Christ must become your central focus. He, alone, can empower you and teach you to live above the duress of adversity. Your external circumstances may not change, but deep within, you will. As Christ is allowed first place in your thoughts, changes will occur. Those changes will be evident to your mate, your children, your friends, and your coworkers. Instead of seeing yourself as a victim, you will begin to realize a strength that is not your own. The result? You will make a difference because of the way you respond to the circumstances that once defeated you. To the people closest to you, your contentment despite your circumstances will be nothing short of heroic.
> 
> Cling to hope! Focus on Christ, despite your circumstances.


:iagree::iagree: The Apostle Paul is a great example to those of us that struggle. I totally agree and can feel this working in my life in a big way most recently. Thanks for sharing, SandC. You have validated my experiences. :smthumbup:


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## debster

Mr Blunt said:


> By you focusing on your spiritual growth, your children, and other positive activities, you will gain so much. In fact, this time will be one of the times that you will grow the most spiritually. You are finding out that you can not trust anyone 100% but God. *Once you are over your wife you will feel a lot more secure knowing that God was with you all along and that you remained faithful. That will be a strngth for your whole life.*
> 
> When you suffer you are being tested and if you respond correctly it will build your faith. *Your wife has a free will and God can but He will not overrule her free will*.




Well put! :iagree:


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## sandc

debster said:


> :iagree::iagree: The Apostle Paul is a great example to those of us that struggle. I totally agree and can feel this working in my life in a big way most recently. Thanks for sharing, SandC. You have validated my experiences. :smthumbup:


Glad you found it encouraging!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notdone

Sandc and Mr Blunt,

Thanks very much! I really appreciate your support and advice. It is beginning to appear as though she is in an affair. I'm so glad I learned this recently rather than several months ago before I found a stronger faith in Jesus.

I wish I knew the circumstances in our marriage that led her down this wrong pathway. As I can assume, happy people don't cheat or leave.

Maybe I'll never know. I'm planning my divorce.


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## debster

notdone said:


> It is beginning to appear as though she is in an affair.
> ...
> I'm planning my divorce.


Sorry to hear that your marriage will not have a better outcome. 



notdone said:


> I'm so glad I learned this recently rather than several months ago before I found a stronger faith in Jesus.


Me too :smthumbup: Godspeed as you enter into this new chapter of your life. Keep us posted, if you like. Wishing you better times ahead.


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## Mr Blunt

> Quote of Notdone
> I wish I knew the circumstances in our marriage that led her down this wrong pathway. As I can assume, happy people don't cheat or leave.


We humans with our nature need more than happiness to keep us from cheating. *The commitment and dedication to our God is needed to add greatly to the prevention of cheating.*





> Quote of Notdone
> Maybe I'll never know. I'm planning my divorce.


Sometimes divorce is the best alternative; only you can answer that for you.

If your wife is in adultery then I hope that she gets out of that sin and works towards being like the Apostle Paul. *It is sad when a person sins and hampers the blessing of God.*


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## Granny7

notdone said:


> Sandc and Mr Blunt,
> 
> Thanks very much! I really appreciate your support and advice. It is beginning to appear as though she is in an affair. I'm so glad I learned this recently rather than several months ago before I found a stronger faith in Jesus.
> 
> I wish I knew the circumstances in our marriage that led her down this wrong pathway. As I can assume, happy people don't cheat or leave.
> 
> Maybe I'll never know. I'm planning my divorce.


notdone,

I'm so sorry to hear about all that you are going through. I just saw your post and have been reading through it. It all sounds so strange as it sure doesn't seem like you were a husband that any wife would want to leave. None of us know why our spouses do what they do, if they have an affair, want to be out of a marriage, are just un-happy? I sure wouldn't take it personally. Could you have maybe did a little more in the marriage, probably, but most of us can and from what I've read, the things you didn't do would not call for her leaving.

I do want to clear up one thing, or at least it didn't apply in my husbands affair and I hear it doesn't apply in a lot of them. A person doesn't have an affair most of the time because he's unhappy in in marriage, so that's why you shouldn't take it personally. It happens, as my therapist and husband both said, it has to do with what's lacking with in themselves. Low self-esteem, even though they could be President of a corporation, those are outward things. It's how they feel about themselves inside that give them low self-esteem or them lacking in other area's. Should they come to their spouse and discuss it or what is bothering them, yes they should, but mine sure didn't. So take the pressure off yourself, you aren't responsible for her leaving the marriage, it is what she is missing within herself.

Prayers & thoughts,

Granny7


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## Mr Blunt

> *Quote of Granny*
> It happens, as my therapist and husband both, have to do with what's lacking with in themselves. Low self-esteem, even though they could be President of a corporation, those are outward things. It's how they feel about themselves inside that give them low self-esteem or them lacking in other area's



*Very wise words Granny!*



*Notdone
Granny is speaking to you from experience not theory, take note please*.


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## Granny7

Mr Blunt said:


> *Very wise words Granny!*
> 
> 
> 
> *Notdone
> Granny is speaking to you from experience not theory, take note please*.


Hi Mr. Blunt,
Thank you for your approval and kind words. I sure hope he reads it, it's very important. I think the betrayed spouse should be aware that it wasn't anything they did in particular, the person they had the affair with could be anyone that fed their ego that needed fed by someone new. Even though their spouse did (my husband would have had a nose bleed falling off the pedestal I had him on) this other person was new, maybe totally different than their spouse. Like my husbands affair partner was very flirty and flighty, totally unlike me, the sincere and affectionate and loving wife. My therapist and I've read it on Healing Hearts so much. It's not you, its him and his lacking needs internally that he doesn't even know he's missing. 

Anyway, I wish I could put all this thoughtful advice to my own good. Today is not a good day for me. I just feel so depressed, not sure why? I just know that I am tired of being un-happy, exhausted mentally and physically and can't seem to find the strength to get started again. Even with all the wonderful advice I've received on here, including yours. I do know that I've got to get back in touch with my God, as He's missing from my life right now. But all this shouldn't be on this post, sorry.

Granny7


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## notdone

Thanks so much-all of you!

Granny7, I'm really sorry you're having to experince this. I understand your pain. I seem to fluctaute from a black cloud inside and the anxiety that comes with it to contentment in moving forward. All are correct in turning to God. I have felt many times while and after praying, reading and absorbing chapters in The Bible (particularly Paul's writings and James) a sense of wonder and peace. Coming back to God, sincerly working on faith, is a journey for me. I'm so glad God pointed me to Paul's work after I reread some of the Gospels first.

Your advice here, Mr.Blunt, Rough Patch and Sandc REALLY helps. Accepting reality while asking if I'm doing what God wants me to do needed time, discussion with my pastor friends and real, active Christians whose actions are non judgemental and loving (as Jesus commands us) has been a learning experience I want to cling to.

You're own advice is better than anything I could offer you. I willl pray for you and hope you enjoy God's peace soon. Sounds to me like you are doing the right thing.

I'm very grateful for all of you. Believing and applying is hard decision work. I hope I'm doing what God is ok with-moving to divorce and preparing to become a separate person from my wife.


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## notdone

I should have also thanked Debster as well.

I'm beginning to understand The 180. It is for the person implementing it. No contact. None. I will break silence on emergencies for our Teens. That's it. Wow I need time and space from her toxic logic..


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## sandc

Notdone and Granny, 
My heart breaks when I think about how heartless the wayward spouses are. I am so sorry you are here and having to go through this. We sometimes ask ourselves "Why is God allowing this to happen to me?" I believe God is sovereign so I ask myself, why is God doing this TO me? (and He has done things TO me) The answer is always, to Glorify Himself, first and foremost, but the answer is also that it is ultimately to your benefit. Praise Him! He has taken a heartless woman out of your life. Why did He wait so long? Don't know. But I KNOW that there will come a time when you look back at what He has done in your life and you will praise HIM!

Pray without ceasing, cry out to him loudly, weeping, His heart hurts infinitely more than ours when we hurt each other. THIS was not how He wanted us to live. This whole life is just a learning exercise to show is that God's way is the BEST way. In the next life there will be no question that God's way is the best. And THEN we'll truly be living. Keep striving to attain that life. Place your full hope in Christ and you'll not be disappointed. He is your peace.


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## sandc

One more thing, please don't blame yourself for what your wife has done. No matter how negligent you were in your marriage it does not justify cheating. Do. Not. Blame. Yourself. Blame your wife who is sinful and broken. Pray that God will open her eyes one day. My hope for you is that one day when you're married to your new godly wife, you will get a phone call from your Ex, apologizing for all the hurt she caused. That may never happen (the phone call) but I'm certainly the godly wife part will.

Your happiness is not God's goal, your salvation is that goal. He has obviously elected you to eternal life and He will do whatever is necessary to draw you to him. So seek Him first and His righteousness, and all the other things will be added to you!


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## Granny7

notdone,

In reference to your post to me about anxiety and depression. I just wanted to say this.

You welcome, I hope some of what I said made you feel better. No, I'm not in a good place right now. I've got to get out of this black hole. I remember after I found out about the affair over 25 yrs. ago, I was so mad at God, that I didn't go to church for 3 yrs. I had always faithfully gone, loved church and had a personal relationship with God. I couldn't believe that He hadn't protected me from such pain? I had always been a good person, never intentionally hurt anyone, lived by the Golden Rule, was a good wife and what good did it go me? The one thing in my life that I had counted on for unconditional love was God and my husband. The one thing that I had so much faith in was my husband, his love, faithfulness, trust and yet he hurt me beyond words. I still feel the pain to this day and it almost makes me want to say, "Just leave, find some happiness." Not sure what I'm going to do yet, but that's not what I wanted to share with you.

When I was at my worst after the affair and I thought I was going to lose it and take my life. I remember going outside and looking up at the sky. I looked up and I said, "God, are you really up there, are you really there?" I just kept staring at the sky and heard nothing. I walked back into the house and got in bed next to my sleeping husband. Still not sure why I was in the same bed with so much not said? Anyway, I was laying there in the dark and a few moments after laying there in the dark, I felt the lightest touch on my right shoulder, like a feather. I was wide awake when I felt this, I sat up in the bed and looked around. I didn't feel scared, just a sense of peace. I knew that He had touched me and I said out loud, "You are there, you are there for me!" I told that story, along with the affair and my life to a group in our church with was called, "Christ In Renewal of Faith." It was a beautiful experience and I came back to God and the church, but unfortunately during the past few years I've drifted away from the church. I still talk to God, but feel like I can't reach Him for some reason. I just feel dead inside and it makes me sad as life is slipping by. If only spouses realized how much they change with their affair, what use to be a beautiful thing, even with the normal problems. I think to be cheated on is one of the worse things a person can go through. I just wish my husband could have realized after I found out how much it hurt me and even 25 yrs. later and during the years in between, he could have handled it so differently, with remorse, love and compassion. He's trying now, but not sure if it's to late for me. I do know that I can be happy by myself, will it be easy, no it won't? That's probably why I've not made that big move, as he's trying and I'm scared to be vulnerable again and I also don't feel that I know the total truth. Only God, my husband and the OW do and as his wife I feel that I have a right to know. 

Sorry this was so long, just wanted to tell you about my experience with God.

Take care of yourself,
Blessings, Granny7


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## Granny7

sandc said:


> Notdone and Granny,
> My heart breaks when I think about how heartless the wayward spouses are. I am so sorry you are here and having to go through this. We sometimes ask ourselves "Why is God allowing this to happen to me?" I believe God is sovereign so I ask myself, why is God doing this TO me? (and He has done things TO me) The answer is always, to Glorify Himself, first and foremost, but the answer is also that it is ultimately to your benefit. Praise Him! He has taken a heartless woman out of your life. Why did He wait so long? Don't know. But I KNOW that there will come a time when you look back at what He has done in your life and you will praise HIM!
> 
> Pray without ceasing, cry out to him loudly, weeping, His heart hurts infinitely more than ours when we hurt each other. THIS was not how He wanted us to live. This whole life is just a learning exercise to show is that God's way is the BEST way. In the next life there will be no question that God's way is the best. And THEN we'll truly be living. Keep striving to attain that life. Place your full hope in Christ and you'll not be disappointed. He is your peace.


sandc,
Thanks for your kind words. Yes, if they only the wayward spouse could feel or understand the depth of the pain that in within you after an affair, I don't know how they could ever put you through it if they say they love you? Till the day I die, I'll never understand. I just know that I could never hurt a human being, even a perfect stranger that bad. It's just not within me to do that.

I pray that I can get God back into my life again, as I feel so lost right now. I feel worse for Notdone, he's really going through it right now.

Take care and Blessings,
Granny7


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## sandc

Granny7 said:


> sandc,
> Thanks for your kind words. Yes, if they only the wayward spouse could feel or understand the depth of the pain that in within you after an affair, I don't know how they could ever put you through it if they say they love you? Till the day I die, I'll never understand. I just know that I could never hurt a human being, even a perfect stranger that bad. It's just not within me to do that.
> 
> I pray that I can get God back into my life again, as I feel so lost right now. I feel worse for Notdone, he's really going through it right now.
> 
> Take care and Blessings,
> Granny7


God is not out of your life. Your relationship with him is off kilter. Fight to get that back. Radical heart-wrenching prayer worked for me. I'm now celebrating 25 years with the answer to those prayers.


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## Granny7

sandc said:


> God is not out of your life. Your relationship with him is off kilter. Fight to get that back. Radical heart-wrenching prayer worked for me. I'm now celebrating 25 years with the answer to those prayers.


sandc,
I know it is and I'll find Him again. I haven't read your story as I'm pretty new here. I'm glad that your celebrating 25 years with the answer's to those prayers. I've lived 25 yrs. without the answers to my prayers in regards to if they had sex or not? If the affair was still going on when I found out from the OW husband in a letter to me, with my husbands love letters to her with it. It's been 25 yrs. now and those questions still haunt me and I don't have the answers. My H isn't going to tell me, as he knows what I will do. I couldn't live with him anymore if I found out he actually had sex with her, that's just me and he knows that. He's not about to tell me the truth, she didn't tell me the truth, I feel she protected him, so I don't know if I can live with out the truth. That's not a marriage when it's based on lies 25 yrs. later, due to PTSD coming back to haunt me, due to his recent behavior 4 yrs. ago. Not an affair, just a lot of other things and he sure wasn't easy to live with. Anyway, you can read my story if you like, it's long and I'll read yours. I'm glad that you got what you were looking for.

Blessings,
Granny7


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## notdone

Hi Granny7,

I'm so new at this. I don't know if I can help. But I'll try.

I'm so sorry you're living with this pain. My wife has several things to be hurt by, none of the deadlies. Just an accumulation of hurts that would affect many. I tried by apologizing and "owning" my mistakes. Perhaps to her they are on the equivilant of cheating. And for that I'm sorry.

I've asked myself if she were repentant to me and God, would I take her back? Would I do as Jesus wants us to do, truly forgive? I believe we are called to do so. Will she before I remarry, which may be years, there is no one waiting in the wings..
Would I acknowledge my own failings to her and God and continue to seek him in total repentance and to her as well?

Sounds like a affirmation of our wedding vows years ago, doesn't it?

I wish I knew how to help. I'm sorry you've been living with this distress for so long. At least for you he is in the house and can be interactive with you.

I'll keep praying for you.


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## sandc

I have never posted cohesive accounting of my story. but trust me it is every bit as bad as what your husband is doing. my wife read a book called the power of the praying wife by Stormie Martian. it was a game changer for her. she learn to pray with the right heart and God heard her. I had an unexplainable heart change. I didn't get what I wanted she got what she wanted. and I finally came to the realization that my prayers were answered 25 years ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rough Patch Sewing

notdone, Granny7, and sandc,

I just wanted to let you know that your difficulties and trials are often on my heart. I lift you up in prayer as often as I can think to do so. You all are displaying patience that comes from God.

I can't imagine what you have gone through all these years. Right now instead of share what I have learned from my marriage... I want to tell you that I am learning from your marriages and your display of patience in the face of heart-rending relationship grief and pain. 

Thank you for sharing and helping many who are facing similar grief here on TAM.

God bless you all!


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## Granny7

Rough Patch Sewing,
I can't tell you how much your comment has meant to me. I was so down after reading some of the post's and finally answering them. Their were so many. I sometimes don't feel that other's don't understand how hard it has been for me and all that I have been through. I have only spoke about 1/10 of the things that I have been through in my life and marriage. Their is just to much and it doesn't serve any purpose, but to make me look like a whiner, which I'm not. I stood my ground during all those years, but it was always a battle. 

Thanks for your prayers and kind words, they mean a lot. I really need to get closer to the Lord. I pray, but I feel like I am so empty inside and sad. Yes, I sound angry and I am, but I think regret over my life and not having the marriage that I thought I had has been the most difficult thing for me to deal with. It's so hard to totally change your life at 69 after 51 yrs. of marriage and only loving one man all that time. I don't know if that love is still there, that is the big problem right now. I want to love him, I just don't feel anything right now and that is sad. I don't know if you can make yourself love someone or not after you've been beaten down for so many years? I also still want the total truth from him and I don't know if I'll ever get it? I just pray that things turn out like they should. Thanks for your prayers and concern,

Granny7


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## Granny7

notdone,

I don't know what you could have done to your wife that your not together anymore, if I understand you correctly? It sounds like you did the right thing right away in asking for forgiveness, that means so much. My husband only said that he was sorry. He never went into any detail about how sorry he was after it happened. That is what is so hard. I'm the only one that worked on saving the marriage, he just worked on covering up what he had done and getting on with life. He still drank as much, danced with other woman, even though I told him that I didn't want him to as he danced with her so much during those 3 yrs. at the lounge's. So, so many things that he could have done to help me heal and he did none of it. I'll never understand that? I ask him and all he can say is, "He must have still been that same person who had the affair and he doesn't know why he did that either and wishes he hadn't." I still feel that it was going on when I found out about it and maybe that's why he acted more defensive, angry instead of remorseful, because he would have had to give her up then. Her H divorced her about 14 months after he sent me the love letters. 

I think I did a lot to forgive him and in my heart at the time, I really feel that I did. We had some horrible screaming, me throwing things at him fights as I was so frustrated for him to talk to me and tell me what happened and he wouldn't. He would get so angry at me for bringing it up and this was only a yr. or 2 after I found out, so it was a volatile relationship. Yet we had a lot of Hysterical Bonding for a month or so, can't remember if it was in the very beginning or after my Melanoma surgery, as I was held up in bed for about 3 months with that, so I don't think I was on the sex warpath at that time to prove how good I was, instead of her. 

I had to have forgiven him and still loved him or I wouldn't have stayed and worked so hard. I know that people don't think that I did, but looking back on it and after doing retreats, retro weekends, once a week counseling with my pastor, counseling and meeting for once a week with about 20 ladies to finish up our Renewal of Faith where we talked about our problems for a year before we renewed our faith. I don't know what else I could have done to make the marriage work. Yet all this time, he wasn't working on anything. I got through the next 20 years, telling him I loved him and meant it, being affectionate and loving and things were pretty good, unless it came to drinking or money. The control of me, I stopped that! I would never be controlled again.

I honestly think in my heart that I did everything that Jesus would have wanted me to do. My heart was light, not made of stone and it was loving. Things just turned around a lot when he retired in 2000 as he was home all the time and trying to run the household like he was the boss and telling me that he could do things better than I had done for over 25 yrs. We argued about it for a while, then I told him to go for it and he's still doing laundry, etc. Those 2 yrs. after retirement were hard and they are for most couples. We traveled which was fun, but I had some slip & Falls and he has no patience with people who aren't perfect and I was in great pain a lot of times in my back. He didn't handle that well at all and that was a big problem between us, but I did all I could, still went on the trips and enjoyed myself most of the time. But if I was in pain and couldn't walk much further, he wouldn't even pay $20 to get a cab or a buggy to take us back to the car. That showed he was still selfish and that's just an example of what I went through, but he didn't care at the time. Now, he might do it, since he knows things are so bad.

I hope what I have said has helped you to understand all that I have done and most of the time it was done with Christ's blessing. I might feel a little loss right now as I don't know what to do next, but I know He's always looking out for me.

Blessings,

Granny7


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## Granny7

sandc said:


> I have never posted cohesive accounting of my story. but trust me it is every bit as bad as what your husband is doing. my wife read a book called the power of the praying wife by Stormie Martian. it was a game changer for her. she learn to pray with the right heart and God heard her. I had an unexplainable heart change. I didn't get what I wanted she got what she wanted. and I finally came to the realization that my prayers were answered 25 years ago.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


sandc,

I'll check into that book, it must be a powerful one to do all of what you said! What a beautiful testimony to give and to think that God changed you through her prayer's, that's powerful. I know He can do all things when you just ask. I'm still asking, but maybe I should be thanking him also for the blessings of my grandchildren.

Thanks for sharing your nice story. Maybe their is hope after all.

Granny7


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## debster

Not Done, SandC, Granny7

Very interesting thread here. You all are at different stages in your relationship with God. 

Not Done - I totally admire your attitude and perseverance about not giving up on your marriage. I'm having a hard time wondering why God would not be able to change your wife's heart, unless he feels she is not ready. But of course, she has free will, and he cannot do anything about that. I'm sure if you keep your relationship with God first, things in your life will go okay. Peace & blessings to you.

SandC - your story is very inspiring to me. I am feeling quite a bit like your wife and praying for my husband, mostly that he repairs his relationship with God, because I know the rest of the stuff then will fall into place. It is starting to already, still some rough patches, but I am seeing gradual change and I feel better anyways because my relationship with God is able to carry me through. Thank you for sharing your story which has touched me in a profound way.

Granny7 - my heart breaks for you as I can read and feel how much pain you are going through. I want to be able to help and give you useful advice. Pretty much most of what you have tried hasn't seemed to work, or maybe it did in the short term, but then not anymore. I must say I find your husband very selfish. Lack of compassion for your back and health, lack of genuine loving toward you as you have been to him. I don't think that you can change him. The only person who can is God. So if you really want to see if you can fix your marriage fully and properly here is my advice. You need to give to God fully and completely all these fears, doubts, hurts and insecurities. Leave them at his feet to do his will. Totally repair your relationship with him. Ask Jesus to heal your heart so you can move forward and leave the past behind. Ask the Holy Spirit for guidance and wisdom to help you go forward with your days. Then once you feel this new connectedness, ask Jesus to heal your husband's heart. Ask Mary to intercede, as well. As a mother and wife, she knows what is necessary to heal your marriage. Do this daily - many times a day. Hold steadfast and do not give up, until you get your answer. It will either be (1) your husband changing into the man you always wanted, crying like a baby asking for your forgiveness, someone you don't even recognize and can't believe is now with you or (2) you will see that this life with him is not in God's plan for you. The Holy Spirit will give you wisdom to discern this. And with all that he has done, you can move forward with no grief in your heart, knowing that you tried to keep your marriage sacred, but he did not. And no matter what path becomes yours, you can bet that if you truly do open yourself to the Holy Trinity, you will be healed and truly happy for the remainder of this life and ecstatic in the next. I am praying for you, Granny7. xo


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## Granny7

debster said:


> Not Done, SandC, Granny7
> 
> Very interesting thread here. You all are at different stages in your relationship with God.
> 
> Not Done - I totally admire your attitude and perseverance about not giving up on your marriage. I'm having a hard time wondering why God would not be able to change your wife's heart, unless he feels she is not ready. But of course, she has free will, and he cannot do anything about that. I'm sure if you keep your relationship with God first, things in your life will go okay. Peace & blessings to you.
> 
> SandC - your story is very inspiring to me. I am feeling quite a bit like your wife and praying for my husband, mostly that he repairs his relationship with God, because I know the rest of the stuff then will fall into place. It is starting to already, still some rough patches, but I am seeing gradual change and I feel better anyways because my relationship with God is able to carry me through. Thank you for sharing your story which has touched me in a profound way.
> 
> Granny7 - my heart breaks for you as I can read and feel how much pain you are going through. I want to be able to help and give you useful advice. Pretty much most of what you have tried hasn't seemed to work, or maybe it did in the short term, but then not anymore. I must say I find your husband very selfish. Lack of compassion for your back and health, lack of genuine loving toward you as you have been to him. I don't think that you can change him. The only person who can is God. So if you really want to see if you can fix your marriage fully and properly here is my advice. You need to give to God fully and completely all these fears, doubts, hurts and insecurities. Leave them at his feet to do his will. Totally repair your relationship with him. Ask Jesus to heal your heart so you can move forward and leave the past behind. Ask the Holy Spirit for guidance and wisdom to help you go forward with your days. Then once you feel this new connectedness, ask Jesus to heal your husband's heart. Ask Mary to intercede, as well. As a mother and wife, she knows what is necessary to heal your marriage. Do this daily - many times a day. Hold steadfast and do not give up, until you get your answer. It will either be (1) your husband changing into the man you always wanted, crying like a baby asking for your forgiveness, someone you don't even recognize and can't believe is now with you or (2) you will see that this life with him is not in God's plan for you. The Holy Spirit will give you wisdom to discern this. And with all that he has done, you can move forward with no grief in your heart, knowing that you tried to keep your marriage sacred, but he did not. And no matter what path becomes yours, you can bet that if you truly do open yourself to the Holy Trinity, you will be healed and truly happy for the remainder of this life and ecstatic in the next. I am praying for you, Granny7. xo


debster,

You have made some very good points to me and I agree. I can't do anything else. My only thing is, even with turning it over to God and Mary. I still want to know the answer's to my questions that have been bothering me over the years, in regards to what happened between them in regards to if it was a S/A. I don't want to go to my deathbed never knowing that. So, I don't know if I have enough faith to hope that God gives me that answer. I hope I haven't offended you by saying that. He's been there for me before, but I agree it's up to Him.

Yes, my husband is a selfish person and I have never seen it change. He wasn't like that when I met him and dated him for 2 years. I'm hardly ever put first, maybe in the first few years of our marriage he was not that way, but that is young love. Anyway, that was back then.

Blessings,
Granny7


----------



## sandc

Thank you Granny, Debster, and Rough Patch. You are amazing godly people. I so look forward to meeting you all some day. 

Granny, and Rough Patch, I don't know if you read my story or not but if you want to know what a wife who prays with a right heart before God can accomplish, read my story:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/68211-unified-story-sandc.html#post1474539

So sorry for the threadjack! Back to OP and his thread.


----------



## sandc

Granny7 said:


> sandc,
> 
> I'll check into that book, it must be a powerful one to do all of what you said! What a beautiful testimony to give and to think that God changed you through her prayer's, that's powerful. I know He can do all things when you just ask. I'm still asking, but maybe I should be thanking him also for the blessings of my grandchildren.
> 
> Thanks for sharing your nice story. Maybe their is hope after all.
> 
> Granny7


My wife said that for the longest time she wasn't praying with a right heart. Mrs. Omartian's book really helped her to see her prayer life in a whole new way. I'm so thankful to her for her prayers. God heard her and turned my heart back to her. Only God can bring a dead heart back to life.


----------



## sandc

Granny7 said:


> sandc,
> 
> I'll check into that book, it must be a powerful one to do all of what you said! What a beautiful testimony to give and to think that God changed you through her prayer's, that's powerful. I know He can do all things when you just ask. I'm still asking, but maybe I should be thanking him also for the blessings of my grandchildren.
> 
> Thanks for sharing your nice story. Maybe their is hope after all.
> 
> Granny7


My wife was the answer to my anguished prayers early on in my life. The man I am today is the answer to her anguished prayers of 10 years ago. Flowery superficial words in prayer don't cut it. Genuine, heart-wrenching, angry, words of despair... words with deep emotion, these are what God hears. I stopped "trying" to pray, and just started having conversations with God as if he were in the room. Sometimes I'd cry, sometimes I shout angrily at him. That is how I prayed. I can't tell you how my wife prayed but I imagine it to be even more so, she poured her heart into it. She's never shared those prayers with me, she can't remember most of them and besides, those were personal moments between she and her Creator, I have no right to come between them.

My wife has finally joined TAM. Her username is Caramel. She'll be posting soon, and when she can find time. She will be a great resource to TAM. I'm going to point this thread out to her so she can comment.


----------



## sandc

Rough Patch Sewing said:


> notdone, Granny7, and sandc,
> 
> I just wanted to let you know that your difficulties and trials are often on my heart. I lift you up in prayer as often as I can think to do so. You all are displaying patience that comes from God.
> 
> I can't imagine what you have gone through all these years. Right now instead of share what I have learned from my marriage... I want to tell you that I am learning from your marriages and your display of patience in the face of heart-rending relationship grief and pain.
> 
> Thank you for sharing and helping many who are facing similar grief here on TAM.
> 
> God bless you all!


Thank you for your encouragement bro!


----------



## sandc

debster said:


> SandC - your story is very inspiring to me. I am feeling quite a bit like your wife and praying for my husband, mostly that he repairs his relationship with God, because I know the rest of the stuff then will fall into place. It is starting to already, still some rough patches, but I am seeing gradual change and I feel better anyways because my relationship with God is able to carry me through. Thank you for sharing your story which has touched me in a profound way.


To be honest Deb I was a little worried in writing that all out. I hadn't consulted with my wife before I wrote that but she was very pleased with what I wrote. I left so much out, my flight training, my autistic son, the years my wife spent running that aggressive in home intervention therapy for my son, my daughter, my in-laws. There were so many other stressors in our marriage a worldly person would think it's a wonder we made it. It's not a wonder, it's a miracle.

Thank you for telling me our story touched you. I feel like I am making ammends for my past misdeeds if someone can learn or be inspired by our story. SandC isn't me, it's us. S and C. And Caramel has been a huge blessing to me. It sounds like you are every bit the same blessing to your husband. When you are both standing before the throne worshiping in the next life, he will thank you for our prayers.


----------



## Granny7

sandc said:


> My wife was the answer to my anguished prayers early on in my life. The man I am today is the answer to her anguished prayers of 10 years ago. Flowery superficial words in prayer don't cut it. Genuine, heart-wrenching, angry, words of despair... words with deep emotion, these are what God hears. I stopped "trying" to pray, and just started having conversations with God as if he were in the room. Sometimes I'd cry, sometimes I shout angrily at him. That is how I prayed. I can't tell you how my wife prayed but I imagine it to be even more so, she poured her heart into it. She's never shared those prayers with me, she can't remember most of them and besides, those were personal moments between she and her Creator, I have no right to come between them.
> 
> My wife has finally joined TAM. Her username is Caramel. She'll be posting soon, and when she can find time. She will be a great resource to TAM. I'm going to point this thread out to her so she can comment.


sandc,

That is exactly what I did 30 years ago. I cried out to him, showed my anger, asked why and all the things that you are talking about and He did listen to give me some peace. Unfortunately, it never reached my husband, which is sad. It would have changed our lives. Thanks for your input and I'll be looking for your wife's name.
Granny7


----------



## sandc

So sorry Granny.  *hug*


----------



## Granny7

sandc said:


> To be honest Deb I was a little worried in writing that all out. I hadn't consulted with my wife before I wrote that but she was very pleased with what I wrote. I left so much out, my flight training, my autistic son, the years my wife spent running that aggressive in home intervention therapy for my son, my daughter, my in-laws. There were so many other stressors in our marriage a worldly person would think it's a wonder we made it. It's not a wonder, it's a miracle.
> 
> Thank you for telling me our story touched you. I feel like I am making ammends for my past misdeeds if someone can learn or be inspired by our story. SandC isn't me, it's us. S and C. And Caramel has been a huge blessing to me. It sounds like you are every bit the same blessing to your husband. When you are both standing before the throne worshiping in the next life, he will thank you for our prayers.


sandc,

Sorry to hear about all you've been through. It sounds like we have ld similar lives. I haven't even brought out all the other things that affected me and us and really don't want to. Their is just to much and then others might think I'm looking for a pity party and I'm not. I'm also not insinuating that you are also. My brother, however, was autistic and suffered from mental illness from the age of 5. I was so close to him and it killed me when they had to put him in an institution and he's still there and 57 yrs. old. He recognizes me sometimes. He was a wonderful little boy, the youngest of 6, it's very sad the life and pain he's endured.

Granny7


----------



## Granny7

sandc said:


> So sorry Granny.  *hug*


sandc,
Thank you very much. 

Granny7


----------



## debster

Granny7 said:


> debster,
> 
> You have made some very good points to me and I agree. I can't do anything else. My only thing is, even with turning it over to God and Mary. *I still want to know the answer's to my questions that have been bothering me over the years, in regards to what happened between them in regards to if it was a S/A. I don't want to go to my deathbed never knowing that. *So, I don't know if I have enough faith to hope that God gives me that answer. I hope I haven't offended you by saying that. He's been there for me before, but I agree it's up to Him.
> 
> Yes, my husband is a selfish person and I have never seen it change. He wasn't like that when I met him and dated him for 2 years. I'm hardly ever put first, maybe in the first few years of our marriage he was not that way, but that is young love. Anyway, that was back then.
> 
> Blessings,
> Granny7


Granny7

I think you have your answer but you just don't want to accept it because it hurts too much. Your husband is a lying, cheating ungrateful a$$hole. There is no way that he DID *NOT* have sex with the AP. Men have more primal needs than women when it comes to sex. He knows that women think a little differently and hopes that there is a possibility for you to believe that he did not. I'm pretty sure everyone on TAM who has read your story believes this. Men, please back me up here.

But lets assume that he did not actually penetrate her for whatever reason (I think I recall you saying the AP said he had issues in performing or something, hard to believe she continued seeing him for 2-3 years, if so :scratchhead: I believe AP is lying to you as well, though) You can bet he did everything else with her including both going down on each other. Isn't that enough for you, Granny7, to know that so many intimate moments he shared with you, he also shared with her? I'm sorry, I know that hurts.

So you see you have your answer already. But if you increase your faith, I really believe God will give you the answer more clearly so that you can accept it. He will either turn your husband to fully confess to you what he lied about before. He will tell everything they did to give you the full picture and either admit that he did penetrate her or give you enough of other things they did to know validate that the act of penetration did not occur. 

But even with that one small morsel of information amongst all the rest, it really doesn't matter, because this information alone does not change how your are going to deal with your situation. Only if your husband fully apologizes and begs for forgiveness in a manner that is fully satisfying to you so that you can move on will your marriage be saved. This part is clear, he is not behaving as you need, and you cannot move forward without his change in heart, behaviour, attitude and treatment of you. He basically has to become a completely different man from you have known for most of your marriage. This will not be possible unless he repairs his relationship with God and I don't think he is even open to this right now. But with your prayers and intercessions to Mary, it may be possible to get him closer to be able to get there. But I must say, Granny7, you must believe that through God this is possible. If your own relationship with God is not strong, then your prayers are only words adding to your sorrow and misery. Repent and believe!

If he can do it, you will know it without question and then be able to repair your relationship and move forward. Otherwise, even with this small morsel of truth of no penetration amongst the sea of lies, deceit, pain and regret and no true remorse and new treatment of you there is nothing to build on to repair the marriage. How can you repair your marriage only based on the fact that he did not penetrate her and yet he is still treating you poorly and everything else that is going on? The most important thing to repair your marriage is not having you know what exactly happened, but rather *how he is treating you today and if he is the new man that you want to spend the rest of your life with*. If your prayers to God cannot change him then your same prayers to fully repair yourself will help you to stand on your own and embrace only loving truth not technical truth for the remainder of your life.


----------



## debster

sandc said:


> Thank you Granny, Debster, and Rough Patch. You are amazing godly people. I so look forward to meeting you all some day.
> 
> Granny, and Rough Patch, I don't know if you read my story or not but if you want to know what *a wife who prays with a right heart before God can accomplish*, read my story:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/68211-unified-story-sandc.html#post1474539
> 
> So sorry for the threadjack! Back to OP and his thread.


You've hit it right on the head here, SandC, the *bolded* part and your story proves this. :iagree:


----------



## debster

sandc said:


> My wife was the answer to my anguished prayers early on in my life. The man I am today is the answer to her anguished prayers of 10 years ago. *Flowery superficial words in prayer don't cut it*. _Genuine, heart-wrenching, angry, words of despair... words with deep emotion, these are what God hears._ I stopped "trying" to pray, and just started having conversations with God as if he were in the room. Sometimes I'd cry, sometimes I shout angrily at him. That is how I prayed. I can't tell you how my wife prayed but I imagine it to be even more so, she poured her heart into it. She's never shared those prayers with me, she can't remember most of them and besides, those were personal moments between she and her Creator, I have no right to come between them.


So true SandC. I've been a believer most of my life, but rather passively from how I am a participant today. I've always said, anything worth doing is worth doing well, and I always put my all into everything I do. Now I am wondering why I did not do the same with my spiritual relationships :scratchhead: because it's uncharacteristic of me. Maybe I was more of a doubting Thomas and needed more evidence to believe. However, I believe I met my husband through prayers to God, so don't know why I slacked off during my marriage when things were comfortable and I got complacent. Oh... there's my answer. Ya, so now only after a number of years of hardship I step up to the plate again and IT IS WONDERFUL! Not my marriage (YET), but my relationship with God. I feel great about this and know through him all things are possible. 



sandc said:


> My wife has finally joined TAM. Her username is Caramel. She'll be posting soon, and when she can find time. She will be a great resource to TAM. I'm going to point this thread out to her so she can comment.


Awesome! I so look forward to engaging with her! I might even end up liking her more than you!! :rofl: JK!! xo


----------



## sandc

debster said:


> So true SandC. I've been a believer most of my life, but rather passively from how I am a participant today. I've always said, anything worth doing is worth doing well, and I always put my all into everything I do. Now I am wondering why I did not do the same with my spiritual relationships :scratchhead: because it's uncharacteristic of me. Maybe I was more of a doubting Thomas and needed more evidence to believe. However, I believe I met my husband through prayers to God, so don't know why I slacked off during my marriage when things were comfortable and I got complacent. Oh... there's my answer. Ya, so now only after a number of years of hardship I step up to the plate again and IT IS WONDERFUL! Not my marriage (YET), but my relationship with God. I feel great about this and know through him all things are possible.


You know Deb, folks like us that have grown up in the church take our blessings for granted. There are people out there that have come out of sinful broken homes that would give anything to have had a good Christian upbringing and being able to go to church every week with their families. We don't value that blessing highly enough. I am the same way. God blessed Caramel and I with a very difficult autistic son. He taught us unconditional love through our son. 




debster said:


> Awesome! I so look forward to engaging with her! I might even end up liking her more than you!! :rofl: JK!! xo


My dear, you WILL like her more. I know I like her more than I like myself.  She is a gentle soul who feels a little intimidated by TAM but once you draw her out, you will see the wisdom she carries within her. That coupled with her MANY other redeeming values  makes her a remarkable woman and I love her with a dept and passion that words cannot begin to describe.


----------



## Caramel

Just want to say hello to Granny and debster. I did not want to post specifically because I want to read your stories first so I can understand


----------



## debster

Caramel said:


> Just want to say hello to Granny and debster. I did not want to post specifically because I want to read your stories first so I can understand


Hi Caramel... I haven't actually written my story yet. There are things that still hurt too much to be ready to do this but also I can now see my responsibility in what went wrong and am still processing this. But suffice it to say I've got a lot of good support by reading others stories and comments here on TAM. 



debster said:


> Granny7
> 
> I think you have your answer ...
> If your prayers to God cannot change him then your same prayers to fully repair yourself will help you to stand on your own and embrace only loving truth not technical truth for the remainder of your life.


@NotDone

I want to apologize for hijacking this thread with my long response to Granny7 partially shown, above. I think I forgot that this was your thread and not hers. I'm sorry.


----------



## notdone

No problem, Debster. Hello!

And Hello to Sandc, Caramel, Rough Patch, Mr. Blunt and Granny7.

I have occaisionally been keeping up here, sorry. As I've read through the posts a thought struck me. Actually felt called to explain tonite. No one is the perfect husband. I haven't been. I havent committed the deadlies: affair, substance abuse, gambling, abuse in it's many forms, etc. BUT- I knew when I worked to late or hung out with coworkers too long 8,9,10:00 sometimes. I knew when I withdrew to "save" myself the imagined rejection for intimacy. I knew when I spent too much time at get togethers with other people instead of my wife. I knew when I forged ahead on decisions without her explicit approval or without including her. I knew when I didn't back her on her being upset over her perceived or real hurts from someone sigficant in our circle of family and friends. In general, not putting God first and my wife next, creating a growing relationship with us three.

Most of all- I knew when she left that it would take that to make me change and come to God sincerly with all I've got. I'm sorry and worked with all I've got to change for 11 months. I needed God to make these changes in me and realize more all the time that I need him to continue being with me. I needed to understand and accept Jesus in a real way, not just a belief. I'm still in awe of the Holy Spirit. I've changed. just a faint memory of me 11 months ago shows me I am different today. I thank the Lord. I've got a journey on a narrow path with Him and to Him. I don't ever want to stray. Even so, I need to keep the faith in that I still need work. The emotional thinking (and the awkward mistakes) is more and more at bay and the comfortable logical thinking shows up more.

I keep hoping I can help others get what I "get". It's more than just a physical miracle or physical healing we all hear or read about. It's a feeling.. A feeling of peace, confidence and clarity in a storm. Sure there are many instances of physical blessing: getting paid, meeting Godly supportive people (like you all here), having food and shelter, healthy kids, etc.
But the feeling..there's no replacing it with anything I can think of like God's presence. Wisdom, the voice that warns me to be careful in what I'm saying or to not do something or to do. All the thanks goes to God.

Will she come back? I don't know. Doesn't look like it. I'm coming to accept I'm a single dad. A single dad with God in our household. That's a GREAT feeling.


----------



## sandc

notdone said:


> No problem, Debster. Hello!
> 
> And Hello to Sandc, Caramel, Rough Patch, Mr. Blunt and Granny7.
> 
> I have occaisionally been keeping up here, sorry. As I've read through the posts a thought struck me. Actually felt called to explain tonite. No one is the perfect husband. I haven't been. I havent committed the deadlies: affair, substance abuse, gambling, abuse in it's many forms, etc. BUT- I knew when I worked to late or hung out with coworkers too long 8,9,10:00 sometimes. I knew when I withdrew to "save" myself the imagined rejection for intimacy. I knew when I spent too much time at get togethers with other people instead of my wife. I knew when I forged ahead on decisions without her explicit approval or without including her. I knew when I didn't back her on her being upset over her perceived or real hurts from someone sigficant in our circle of family and friends. In general, not putting God first and my wife next, creating a growing relationship with us three.


Yes but still, she could have always communicated with you, prayed for you, walking out was only one option. There were others.



notdone said:


> Most of all- I knew when she left that it would take that to make me change and come to God sincerly with all I've got. I'm sorry and worked with all I've got to change for 11 months. I needed God to make these changes in me and realize more all the time that I need him to continue being with me. I needed to understand and accept Jesus in a real way, not just a belief. I'm still in awe of the Holy Spirit. I've changed. just a faint memory of me 11 months ago shows me I am different today. I thank the Lord. I've got a journey on a narrow path with Him and to Him. I don't ever want to stray. Even so, I need to keep the faith in that I still need work. The emotional thinking (and the awkward mistakes) is more and more at bay and the comfortable logical thinking shows up more.
> 
> I keep hoping I can help others get what I "get". It's more than just a physical miracle or physical healing we all hear or read about. It's a feeling.. A feeling of peace, confidence and clarity in a storm. Sure there are many instances of physical blessing: getting paid, meeting Godly supportive people (like you all here), having food and shelter, healthy kids, etc.
> But the feeling..there's no replacing it with anything I can think of like God's presence. Wisdom, the voice that warns me to be careful in what I'm saying or to not do something or to do. All the thanks goes to God.
> 
> Will she come back? I don't know. Doesn't look like it. I'm coming to accept I'm a single dad. A single dad with God in our household. That's a GREAT feeling.


I totally get it. When my relationship is not right with God I feel really uneasy. When I'm sinning and I know it, I can't enjoy my God, I can't enjoy my sin. I feel so much better, so much more complete and whole when I am in a right relationship with Him. Caramel can attest to that. Christianity really is a relationship with Christ, not a religion. 

The good news is that God has a plan for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. He offers you hope and a future! You just have to trust in Him and show up! He's got the details all taken care of.


----------



## Mr Blunt

Notdone

You are growing!
You realize what areas you need improving in and you are working on improving.
You are sincerely repentant over the things that you listed.
You have changed for the better!

It is sad that it took such a crises to bring you back to God but I think that is true of most of us. It is very hard to break mankind’s selfishness sometimes. You cannot let your realization of your failures to keep you from accepting your forgiveness from God and to know your great worth. You gave your wife plenty of opportunity to change the situation and she has decided to go on dates with other men. *I hope that she gets what you got and then her life will be much better.*



> Quotes of Notdone
> I thank the Lord. I've got a journey on a narrow path with Him and to Him. I don't ever want to stray. A feeling of peace, confidence and clarity in a storm.
> All the thanks goes to God.



You are in a very strong spiritual growing state. Savor it, hold on to it, cherish it, and strive to please God. I know that right now you do not need that encouragement because you are indwelled to please God and it gives you such strength. This very high you are on may not last for years but you can set some groundwork now that you are so spiritually energized. That will carry you for the rest of your life.

Other factors in life are important such as health, job, relationships with people, etc., but the solid rock is your relationship with God. With Him you can handle anything and still have peace

1.	Philippians 4:7 
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

I was in your spiritual state more than 20 years ago and that period is still a blessing. In my darkest hour I could see God in such a powerful way.

1.	2 Corinthians 12:9 
And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.


*God is the ONLY one that can ALWAYS fulfill His promises and is ALWAYS faithful and ALWAYS loving!!*
Blunt


----------



## Caramel

notdone said:


> No problem, Debster. Hello!
> 
> And Hello to Sandc, Caramel, Rough Patch, Mr. Blunt and Granny7.
> 
> I have occaisionally been keeping up here, sorry. As I've read through the posts a thought struck me. Actually felt called to explain tonite. No one is the perfect husband. I haven't been. I havent committed the deadlies: affair, substance abuse, gambling, abuse in it's many forms, etc. BUT- I knew when I worked to late or hung out with coworkers too long 8,9,10:00 sometimes. I knew when I withdrew to "save" myself the imagined rejection for intimacy. I knew when I spent too much time at get togethers with other people instead of my wife. I knew when I forged ahead on decisions without her explicit approval or without including her. I knew when I didn't back her on her being upset over her perceived or real hurts from someone sigficant in our circle of family and friends. In general, not putting God first and my wife next, creating a growing relationship with us three.
> 
> Most of all- I knew when she left that it would take that to make me change and come to God sincerly with all I've got. I'm sorry and worked with all I've got to change for 11 months. I needed God to make these changes in me and realize more all the time that I need him to continue being with me. I needed to understand and accept Jesus in a real way, not just a belief. I'm still in awe of the Holy Spirit. I've changed. just a faint memory of me 11 months ago shows me I am different today. I thank the Lord. I've got a journey on a narrow path with Him and to Him. I don't ever want to stray. Even so, I need to keep the faith in that I still need work. The emotional thinking (and the awkward mistakes) is more and more at bay and the comfortable logical thinking shows up more.
> 
> I keep hoping I can help others get what I "get". It's more than just a physical miracle or physical healing we all hear or read about. It's a feeling.. A feeling of peace, confidence and clarity in a storm. Sure there are many instances of physical blessing: getting paid, meeting Godly supportive people (like you all here), having food and shelter, healthy kids, etc.
> But the feeling..there's no replacing it with anything I can think of like God's presence. Wisdom, the voice that warns me to be careful in what I'm saying or to not do something or to do. All the thanks goes to God.
> 
> Will she come back? I don't know. Doesn't look like it. I'm coming to accept I'm a single dad. A single dad with God in our household. That's a GREAT feeling.


Hello Notdone,
Looks like you're on the beginning of a great journey with God. To acknowledge what went wrong is important. Have you forgiven her and yourself? Once you have done that, pray for her. You never know what God can do and He does the impossible. Pray for His wisdom, will and direction 
~Caramel


----------



## notdone

Thanks all! I do pray for her. I believe in God's forgiveness for my part in this.

Sandc- I do believe that she could have told me she was hurting instead of winning the award for best actress. She could have taken another avenue or chose to come back after so many months of hearing and seeing my efforts. She hasn't. She knows. She has moved on or is involved with someone else and is not caring for me or our teens. So, like a death, I'm forced to go another way, maybe I'll just continue to improve the blessings of family, friends, health and others til I feel another person is the right move for my life.

Having someone love me for me would be a nice experience after a year of disconnection and rejection. I'm not too worried about it. I'm ok looking, in good shape, a good person, no issues and independant. Guess the hard part is finding someone compatible that loves God.

I forgive her, but it takes work. I'd rather never see or hear from her again, but heal and forget. I'd be plenty hurt to see her be accepting of someone else or affectionate towards someone else. So, ya, I'm still hurting and looking for healing before I take the easy distraction of another female. There's the not so small issue of I'm still married to this rejecting, uncaring person. Guess she isn't in her mind. What a change in character on so many levels from the pretty, diligent person I married. Age didn't help this wine.


----------



## debster

notdone said:


> I needed God to make these changes in me and realize more all the time that I need him to continue being with me. I needed to understand and accept Jesus in a real way, not just a belief. I'm still in awe of the Holy Spirit. I've changed. just a faint memory of me 11 months ago shows me I am different today. I thank the Lord. I've got a journey on a narrow path with Him and to Him. I don't ever want to stray. Even so, I need to keep the faith in that I still need work. The emotional thinking (and the awkward mistakes) is more and more at bay and the comfortable logical thinking shows up more.
> 
> I keep hoping I can help others get what I "get". It's more than just a physical miracle or physical healing we all hear or read about. It's a feeling.. A feeling of peace, confidence and clarity in a storm. Sure there are many instances of physical blessing: getting paid, meeting Godly supportive people (like you all here), having food and shelter, healthy kids, etc.
> But the feeling..there's no replacing it with anything I can think of like God's presence. Wisdom, the voice that warns me to be careful in what I'm saying or to not do something or to do. All the thanks goes to God.


I can totally relate to this as this is what I'm experiencing now. Although it has been a lot less time (about 2 months). I'm also praying for my husband and trying to get him to this revelation as well. He's a bit jaded and his faith is lagging, but I see some signs of renewal. I will not give up. 

I am inspired by people like yourself, SandC and Mr Blunt. I do think our marriage is reparable, but it will be take some time to rebuild, assuming positive habits are established and negative behaviours are lessened/removed. I'm so thankful that it is not too late. 

I'm so sorry that in your wife's case she has not come around. I admire your faith to not take this as a personal affront / rejection from God. That must be hard, but you definitely are living the truth and a shining example of devotion, trust and faith. 

Thank you for sharing your story and progress.


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## sandc

Notdone, I'm sorry if I asked this before but is your wife attending a church? Or has she walked away from God too?


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## notdone

debster said:


> I can totally relate to this as this is what I'm experiencing now. Although it has been a lot less time (about 2 months). I'm also praying for my husband and trying to get him to this revelation as well. He's a bit jaded and his faith is lagging, but I see some signs of renewal. I will not give up.
> 
> I am inspired by people like yourself, SandC and Mr Blunt. I do think our marriage is reparable, but it will be take some time to rebuild, assuming positive habits are established and negative behaviours are lessened/removed. I'm so thankful that it is not too late.
> 
> I'm so sorry that in your wife's case she has not come around. I admire your faith to not take this as a personal affront / rejection from God. That must be hard, but you definitely are living the truth and a shining example of devotion, trust and faith.
> 
> 
> 
> Thank you for sharing your story and progress.


Thanks Debster! 

I'm trying. But it seems to me as far as my marriage game goes my wife has left the stadium and I'm standing here waiting for the lights to be shut off. All I can say to any woman reading this is make darn sure you've communicated and tried 100 percent before you give up. My wife communicates poorly with those she loves most, holds the grudge and withdraws. Then gets support by committee with an exaggeration or two. I'm not bitter, it's only what she can do. My job was to interpret those feelings, accept her movie and work on it. Sandc: like a beautiful old Mooney with a carberated engine, you tune til you fly right, and love the experience. God is watching me I know. He's made this easier for me. I'm his. Debster, I hope and pray your husband gets it before you feel you've done all you can and bail..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notdone

sandc said:


> Notdone, I'm sorry if I asked this before but is your wife attending a church? Or has she walked away from God too?


It appears as though she has. But, it's hard to know. We were together so long, she may be where she's always been: believing but not understanding. Knowing a little but not getting the real stuff from the word such as Paul's wonderful teachings. I'm learning and am sometimes feeling the illusion that she has too. Not reality. She wouldn't pray with me over dinner like we always had when I saw her months ago. I miss her and would be overjoyed if she even hinted at coming together. At the same time I'm ready and willing to move on. Not what I want, but like death, We sometimes have no choice. This last challenge of being her husband hasn't killed me. I feel like a Christian, positive, healthy wife would be a cakewalk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc

*Re: Re: Not giving up, but getting tired.*



notdone said:


> It appears as though she has. But, it's hard to know. We were together so long, she may be where she's always been: believing but not understanding. Knowing a little but not getting the real stuff from the word such as Paul's wonderful teachings. I'm learning and am sometimes feeling the illusion that she has too. Not reality. She wouldn't pray with me over dinner like we always had when I saw her months ago. I miss her and would be overjoyed if she even hinted at coming together. At the same time I'm ready and willing to move on. Not what I want, but like death, We sometimes have no choice. This last challenge of being her husband hasn't killed me. I feel like a Christian, positive, healthy wife would be a cakewalk.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I ask because being in church leadership I would want to know if I were shepherding a woman who had walked out on her family.


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## notdone

sandc said:


> I ask because being in church leadership I would want to know if I were shepherding a woman who had walked out on her family.


She's not anywhere close to being involved in a church, even though the teens and I are. She needs a trusted person, a desire to be with God and the right counsel to bring her in. Unconditional love and acceptance. Right now she recognizes her actions as bad. Rejects those that counsel her to do the right thing. Spends her days working, being alone or hanging with like minded friends and family or apparently dating men who are fine with married walk always believing her spin on me.

Hmm. Sounds a bit bitter. But I believe I'm accurate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc

Then she's in for a lifetime of bitterness and disappointment. Enjoy your saviour my friend.


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## notdone

sandc said:


> Then she's in for a lifetime of bitterness and disappointment. Enjoy your saviour my friend.


I'm afraid you're right. I hope not. I hope and pray she changes. Thanks though. I'm so happy to be with God and grateful. I never want to leave the comfort of flying under his wing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notdone

notdone said:


> I'm afraid you're right. I hope not. I hope and pray she changes. Thanks though. I'm so happy to be with God and grateful. I never want to leave the comfort of flying under his wing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And so the fun continues.. She has been exclusively dating an out of work divorced male with young children for several months. Sounds like after she left me, but who really knows. She definitely was months before she finally fessed up and said she wanted a divorce. Even brought him around to meet her side of the family. Now she wants a lop sided divorce settlement after I made a fair offer to her. I'm weighing atty and court costs before I make a response. No more struggle with God's approval for me other than if she ever tries to reconcile.

I'm struggling with the fantasy of better women on the horizon and just trying to focus on fairness in the divorce and The Lord in my daily life. I don't want to stray from the narrow but right and good path. Our poor teens... Principled, Godly, good kids. They will have a tough time with mom's boyfriend and learning he was prior to divorce. Months prior. I won't break the news, but they'll find out. Co. Springs and family everywhere makes that a guaranty. I guess time will heal that. They do love her. What a mess. I'm ready to move on. The wife of my youth lost her lusture.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

Notdone

Your wife not only abandoned you, her children but God.

That much is clear.

And I will tell you this.

A woman who does not communicate with her spouse is not a spouse at all.

A woman who abandons everything precious, husband, marriage and children is not a woman or mother at all.

And if she thinks she can replace all of you with a new man and his children then she is only kidding herself.

So she is a cheat and a liar.

Maybe it is time to treat her like one.

That choice is yours. And your path has been exemplary so far.

And your bad behavior in my opionion should not have ended a marriage.

Truly sorry for you and your kids she was not willing to do some hard work.

HM64


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## debster

notdone said:


> And so the fun continues.. She has been exclusively dating an *out of work* divorced male with young children for several months.


:rofl: sorry, did I say that out loud? 
Poor kids though... his and yours.  Pray for them all, I know you are for yours.



notdone said:


> I'm struggling with the fantasy of better women on the horizon and just trying to focus on fairness in the divorce and The Lord in my daily life. I don't want to stray from the narrow but right and good path.


When you are ready, things will fall into place. You will be an awesome husband to your next love. You have things in the right priority and right order, so I have no doubt good things are coming your way, ND. :smthumbup:


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## sandc

notdone,
I can tell you with certainty that she will have a moment where she wakes up and realizes all that she has lost. Everything she gave up for some strange. I SINCERELY hope you are seeing someone new if not already married when that happens.

With your kids you've got to just reassure them that they can still love their mother and she can still love them but that they do not have to approve or condone what she is doing. Make it an object lesson on how easy it is to embrace the world rather than holding fast to Christ. Christ said the way is narrow for a reason.


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## notdone

Thanks Debster and Happyman! Wow.. Thanks so much for the support. I feel guilty that she is so far gone already and here I am doing the best I can and succeeding. This is the power of God and what he can do for you and me. What a different way his is than what we want or think we're praying for.

I struggle most nights getting to sleep, thinking of various scenarios and images of what my wife was like vs. now. Yet I enjoy and embrace the good that God drops in my lap and am grateful for his grace when so often I'm staring off into space while working. Theere is no 'flip of a switch". Gradual acceptance and healing comes over time. But it does come. Just tonite I learned from a friend my wife and buddy are being seen together. We havent even filed! But even with this news God gives me strength. A build up.. Months before I would have been shaking. I look forward to a positive mate or none at all but days of peace and joy in my new life. She- well, she will eventually lose the gloss of her newfound buddy or him of her. Yet she will have done zilch towards building herself with or without God.


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## notdone

sandc said:


> notdone,
> I can tell you with certainty that she will have a moment where she wakes up and realizes all that she has lost. Everything she gave up for some strange. I SINCERELY hope you are seeing someone new if not already married when that happens.
> 
> With your kids you've got to just reassure them that they can still love their mother and she can still love them but that they do not have to approve or condone what she is doing. Make it an object lesson on how easy it is to embrace the world rather than holding fast to Christ. Christ said the way is narrow for a reason.


Sandc, thanks very much. You always help me refocus on the path. The teens will get your advice. I do feel sorry that she does not see her future or mine. I'm afraid your right in your counsel- There will be a better woman for me, its not that hard to find one when she has set the bar so low. OR, there may be none, but I will reach a point of inner peace and a neediness for God alone. That horizon is just in view.


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## sandc

What more can I say that God hasn't already said through the prophets and apostles?

Romans 12:12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.


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## notdone

sandc said:


> Romans 12:12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.
> 
> 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.
> 
> Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.
> 
> Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.


Such a wonderful group of scripture. Thanks! The unseen God whom we have faith in. This incredible place we live in where we worship him so easily compared to other places in the world. I appreciate it. I'll be in the books above tonite and in just a little stronger place tomorrow.


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## notdone

_Posted via Mobile Device_ I wish I could just quit thinking of her.. I'm so grateful of the power of the Holy Spirit. I'm not jealous or bitter towards her, well maybe a little..I'm able to shift those thoughts down pretty easily. I'm concerned about being needy though. I'm beginning to really miss the affection and conversation of my best female friend and am ready to replace her. Can't yet though. Not divorced. How in the world do people stay single after having a good marriage for any length of time? I'm in my 40's healthy. I don't want to be single forever, especially with so many interesting attractive rebuilt 35-40something women around.


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## Rough Patch Sewing

Notdone,

I pray for you often. I know that all of the good things that you have and can do to win her back in the past months and year were to your credit, but not to hers. Right now prayer is the best thing we have for those who have wrongfully treated us. If she is set in her ways and will not even listen to God, then God will have to be the one to get a hold of her somehow.

I came across this psalm today and it has always comforted me, so I want to share it with you tonight. It also talks about perfect hatred for enemies. I can only think that it is the kind of hatred that is righteous in so much that it fully recognizes the sin of one's persecutor, yet still has the love of that sinner as Jesus talked about in Matthew 5:38-48. Here is that psalm that talks about God being with us when we are hurting, in good times and in bad times.

Psalm 139

King James Version (KJV)

139 O lord, thou hast searched me, and known me.

2 Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.

3 Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.

4 For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O Lord, thou knowest it altogether.

5 Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it.

7 Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?

8 If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.

9 If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;

10 Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.

11 If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.

12 Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.

13 For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb.

14 I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

15 My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

16 Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.

17 How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!

18 If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.

19 Surely thou wilt slay the wicked, O God: depart from me therefore, ye bloody men.

20 For they speak against thee wickedly, and thine enemies take thy name in vain.

21 Do not I hate them, O Lord, that hate thee? and am not I grieved with those that rise up against thee?

22 I hate them with perfect hatred: I count them mine enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:

24 And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.


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## notdone

Rough Patch Sewing said:


> Notdone,
> 
> I pray for you often. I know that all of the good things that you have and can do to win her back in the past months and year were to your credit, but not to hers. Right now prayer is the best thing we have for those who have wrongfully treated us. If she is set in her ways and will not even listen to God, then God will have to be the one to get a hold of her somehow.
> 
> I came across this psalm today and it has always comforted me, so I want to share it with you tonight. It also talks about perfect hatred for enemies. I can only think that it is the kind of hatred that is righteous in so much that it fully recognizes the sin of one's persecutor, yet still has the love of that sinner as Jesus talked about in Matthew 5:38-48. Here is that psalm that talks about God being with us when we are hurting, in good times and in bad times.
> 
> Psalm 139
> 
> King James Version (KJV)
> 
> 139 O lord, thou hast searched me, and known me.
> 
> 2 Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.
> 
> 3 Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.
> 
> 4 For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O Lord, thou knowest it altogether.
> 
> 5 Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.
> 
> 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it.
> 
> 7 Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?
> 
> 8 If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.
> 
> 9 If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;
> 
> 10 Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.
> 
> 11 If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.
> 
> 12 Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.
> 
> 13 For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb.
> 
> 14 I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.
> 
> 15 My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
> 
> 16 Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.
> 
> 17 How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!
> 
> 18 If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.
> 
> 19 Surely thou wilt slay the wicked, O God: depart from me therefore, ye bloody men.
> 
> 20 For they speak against thee wickedly, and thine enemies take thy name in vain.
> 
> 21 Do not I hate them, O Lord, that hate thee? and am not I grieved with those that rise up against thee?
> 
> 22 I hate them with perfect hatred: I count them mine enemies.
> 
> 23 Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:
> 
> 24 And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.


Thanks RoughPatch,

I just opened this and realized The Lord directed me to the same Psalm this morning before I left for work! God is amazing!

My wife, gaining weight, heaviest I've ever seen her. Dating someone I'm sure her family doesn't approve of and blowing off any responsibility that is not fun. Hanging out with only those that don't let their judgments known. Telling exaggerations about me and us. Me, obsessively thinking of her and wondering what happened to a great person. Our teens watching and absorbing this cop-out. I will not discuss her or her boyfriend to the kids. I'll keep it positive. It's obvious to them when I'm up or down, they comment. I'll tell anyone this, don't divorce. Work it out, especially if your're starting to believe your own baloney. I get it if the spouse is truly (not some emotional garbage your friends tell you) abusive or cheating. But for other reasons.. work it out. The destruction is unbelievable and it doesn't end for many years.


----------



## sandc

notdone said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_ I wish I could just quit thinking of her.. I'm so grateful of the power of the Holy Spirit. I'm not jealous or bitter towards her, well maybe a little..I'm able to shift those thoughts down pretty easily. I'm concerned about being needy though. I'm beginning to really miss the affection and conversation of my best female friend and am ready to replace her. Can't yet though. Not divorced. How in the world do people stay single after having a good marriage for any length of time? I'm in my 40's healthy. I don't want to be single forever, especially with so many interesting attractive rebuilt 35-40something women around.


You field is lying fallow for a season. The rains will come again and love will blossom.


----------



## sandc

notdone said:


> Thanks RoughPatch,
> 
> I just opened this and realized The Lord directed me to the same Psalm this morning before I left for work! God is amazing!
> 
> My wife, gaining weight, heaviest I've ever seen her. Dating someone I'm sure her family doesn't approve of and blowing off any responsibility that is not fun. Hanging out with only those that don't let their judgments known. Telling exaggerations about me and us. Me, obsessively thinking of her and wondering what happened to a great person. Our teens watching and absorbing this cop-out. I will not discuss her or her boyfriend to the kids. I'll keep it positive. It's obvious to them when I'm up or down, they comment. I'll tell anyone this, don't divorce. Work it out, especially if your're starting to believe your own baloney. I get it if the spouse is truly (not some emotional garbage your friends tell you) abusive or cheating. But for other reasons.. work it out. The destruction is unbelievable and it doesn't end for many years.


She will return to you one day. The OM will have tired of her and moved on to someone else and she'll feel lonely and want to come back to you. I can only hope you are with someone else when this happens. You can then ask her, "Where were you when I needed you? Where were you when I was hurt, crying, lonely?" Use it as a teaching moment for her. Tell her that all the crying in the world will not work when we are standing before God one day. He will ask similar "Where were you?" Questions. Now is the time to be there. Not "some day" or "when we're done having fun." 

I hope your (STBX) wife wakes up before it's too late.


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## notdone

Thanks Sandc! I love your quote "where were you?" God will ask me. I have to keep that one in the forefront of my mind. I'll like to think of that often and do better for Him.

It helps to think of this as a building and rebuilding time. In the hanger, not ready for flight yet, but watching the progress.


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## sandc

Okay, at the risk of continuing to cling to one of my idols, I'll use an airplane analogy from my life.

When I built my first airplane, I had to sell my existing airplane in order to pay the costs of building. It took 5 years to build. There were times when I wondered why in the heck I was doing this. It seemed like it would never get done, the project is too big. At those times I keep looking forward to the end result and then getting feelings of hopelessness. I would never finish the plane, I would just be building forever and it would never get done. What had I got myself into? I wanted to fly not build!

But then I tried to just concentrate on what I was doing at the time. Instead of thinking about the airplane I would think about the rudder pedal I was building. Or the seat belt attach point. I was no longer building an airplane, I was building airplane parts. I then started to feel like I was accomplishing things. I remember fabricating and assembling parts and then one day, I was staring at an airplane in my hangar. Where did that come from?

So do the same for yourself. Work on the small parts. Try to get little things accomplished. All the little things will add up until you see that emotional airplane sitting inside the hangar in your head. Then you only have one last scary thing to face... 

flying that airplane.


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## notdone

Right on! Thanks so much Sandc. Your advice is so, so much appreciated. You're doing good work.


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## sandc

Soli Deo Gloria, my friend. Not me.


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## Rough Patch Sewing

notdone, and sandc,

This thread that has developed amidst heart-ache and the sure feelings of sorrow is so real and encouraging. I feel like there is an availability for truth and real friendship in these correspondences that is not readily available in many places in this world. 

God is most evident where true brotherly and sisterly love is shared unconditionally among His children. This is God's heavenly playground. And the shared words of solace and encouragement are a tail wind for our flight in that playground. That airplane that we all are patiently building in our lives as your analogy has so aptly put it... will one day be completed and ready to fly. 

My soul sours right now though when I look over the honesty and maturity of what is shared here and yes... I too wish for nothing but success in all your lives, because as you notdone, have put it... divorce is a terrible thing and creates difficulties that last years.

I pray that those years are full of encouragement like what is available here, and still closer to home for you than this even.

As much as I can, I will come back to connect with you all here, and I will keep praying for you all. I am sure that prayers materialize for all that contribute here from those that benefit. I know that I certainly benefit from the help that you all share together. God bless you all! And yes, I second what sandc said, "Soli Deo Gloria"!


----------



## notdone

Rough Patch Sewing said:


> notdone, and sandc,
> 
> This thread that has developed amidst heart-ache and the sure feelings of sorrow is so real and encouraging. I feel like there is an availability for truth and real friendship in these correspondences that is not readily available in many places in this world.
> 
> God is most evident where true brotherly and sisterly love is shared unconditionally among His children. This is God's heavenly playground. And the shared words of solace and encouragement are a tail wind for our flight in that playground. That airplane that we all are patiently building in our lives as your analogy has so aptly put it... will one day be completed and ready to fly.
> 
> My soul sours right now though when I look over the honesty and maturity of what is shared here and yes... I too wish for nothing but success in all your lives, because as you notdone, have put it... divorce is a terrible thing and creates difficulties that last years.
> 
> I pray that those years are full of encouragement like what is available here, and still closer to home for you than this even.
> 
> As much as I can, I will come back to connect with you all here, and I will keep praying for you all. I am sure that prayers materialize for all that contribute here from those that benefit. I know that I certainly benefit from the help that you all share together. God bless you all! And yes, I second what sandc said, "Soli
> 
> Rough Patch, you are a fine soul. Thanks so much for your post and for doing all the heavy work in typing out Psalm 139 above too.
> 
> I'm having a hard time with my wife moving on without telling me what was going on her head. I asked her frequently in the year before she left. I was feeling insecure in our relationship. I knew it was off. She's not all to blame though. My pride in how I treated her was in the way. I would not have tuned me up with the dedication I did with her staying. Nonetheless, my crimes are not carefully dissecting her sparse comments about us, really trying to spend more quality time with her and taking care of glaring procrastination. I was becoming unhealthily codependent. I could've stepped up.
> 
> BUT, her leaving, then not telling me she wanted a divorce ("leaning on divorce" was what I got) and dating or beginning a relationship, telling our teens she's dating without telling me. Not bueno. Dating and not doing any action that resembles starting divorce proceedings dispute my verbal and written assurance that I was still wanting to work on reconciling, apologetic but also willing to cooperate on divorce and pay for it. All the while she's dating... And doing nothing. All her stuff still at our home. She's having her new friend over at her place. Am I wrong to be upset? In limbo. She knew it. She dates. Is the world view that its just fine to date or worse while your still married in this case? I won't, but I have faith in God and His way. I'm also the dumped. So, I check myself- I try to remind myself that I'm here for God, not just motivated for a selfish reason of wanting her back. Still- I can't "get it" that she left and then acted this unhealthy way. Not even for herself or our kids. Not the fine woman I married.
> 
> Sorry for the long rant. Had to get it off my chest..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Iver

Not Done, 

I've read your thread and have to say I admire your fortitude and resolve in this situation...but I have to be clear on my opinion here. 

Your wife's behavior is disgraceful. What she is doing is not acceptable behavior. 

If one of your children was in this situation with thier spouse - what advice would you give them? How would you feel about a spouse treating them the way you are being treated? My guess is you would tell them enough is enough and to end it.

Is your wife open to meeting? At the bare minimum you should have a face to face and discuss what you expect your future to be like...

My advice is to file for divorce. You have suffered enough.


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## sandc

notdone said:


> Rough Patch, you are a fine soul. Thanks so much for your post and for doing all the heavy work in typing out Psalm 139 above too.
> 
> I'm having a hard time with my wife moving on without telling me what was going on her head. I asked her frequently in the year before she left. I was feeling insecure in our relationship. I knew it was off. She's not all to blame though. My pride in how I treated her was in the way. I would not have tuned me up with the dedication I did with her staying. Nonetheless, my crimes are not carefully dissecting her sparse comments about us, really trying to spend more quality time with her and taking care of glaring procrastination. I was becoming unhealthily codependent. I could've stepped up.


And what could she have done? She could have prayed for you. She could have prayed for herself. She could have prayed for your marriage. She could have prayed for your future as a couple. She could have talked to you, screamed at you, anything at you. She didn't. She chose to walk away and leave her loved ones, and even her entire life in limbo.

And what else did she do...?



notdone said:


> BUT, her leaving, then not telling me she wanted a divorce ("leaning on divorce" was what I got) and dating or beginning a relationship, telling our teens she's dating without telling me. Not bueno. Dating and not doing any action that resembles starting divorce proceedings dispute my verbal and written assurance that I was still wanting to work on reconciling, apologetic but also willing to cooperate on divorce and pay for it. All the while she's dating... And doing nothing. All her stuff still at our home. She's having her new friend over at her place. Am I wrong to be upset? In limbo. She knew it. She dates. Is the world view that its just fine to date or worse while your still married in this case? I won't, but I have faith in God and His way. I'm also the dumped. So, I check myself- I try to remind myself that I'm here for God, not just motivated for a selfish reason of wanting her back. Still- I can't "get it" that she left and then acted this unhealthy way. Not even for herself or our kids. *Not the fine woman I married.*
> 
> Sorry for the long rant. Had to get it off my chest..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That statement in bold above is key, she is not the woman you married. So glad you recognize this. Okay, I'm a deacon in my church and as such my ministry is of a practical nature which is good because I tend toward the pragmatic side. Here is what I would suggest. Box up her stuff and send it to her. Clean your conscience and clean your house. Rid the house of her pictures. Ask your children which ones they want. Leave only pictures of your children or you with your children. She has made her decision she is moving on without you. My hope is that you can now move on. This is about her, not you. There is something broken inside of her. She will have to work it out with her god. Whomever that may be.

Dating while married is wrong. And let's call it what it is. Sleeping around while married is adultery. Your wife is carrying on adulterous relationships with other men. That is HER sin, not yours. My advice is to pray for her to be led to the truth but you take the high road. Do not date until your divorce is final.

You call what you wrote a rant? You should hear this godly deacon when he get's started.  This is your thread, rant away. You've been very kind toward your wife. As a practical help for you, I shall be angry with her in your stead if you like. :FIREdevil:


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## Why Not Be Happy?

Be firm with your divorce. You'll children need you as their custodial parent. Don't cave in to your wife's demands.
Good luck!


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## notdone

I'm filling out the divorce paperwork this weekend. Not because I'm angry or bitter. I try to keep in mind what Jesus did with the adulterous woman. I try to hold on to forgiveness. I just believe that's what God wants us to do. Not only by command, but because He knows it's healthier for us.

I'm looking for storage facilities, planning on boxing her stuff up and moving during times the teens are not around.

She's not dead to me- she's gone. Gone. The other parent of our children. A broken business partner that I'll treat as a christian should.

Better me, better life and better wife ahead. Can't wait to get there. Still miss the wife of my youth though..


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## Iver

Do you have a divorce attorney lined up? I'm assuming a 50-50 split and if she is working alimony shouldn't be an issue but when money is in play things can get ugly very quickly...

Child Custody usually is 50-50 as well but if the children are teenagers they can decide where they would want to live. Have they been splitting time between the two of you? 

Also, have they been in IC at any point?


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## sandc

Good and healthy.

Remember, forgiveness doesn't mean there are no consequences. It is good and healthy that you forgive her, it is also good and healthy for both of you to accept the consequences. The consequence is that she is no longer married to you. 

In addition to the dirvoce I would also recommend:

 Billing her for storing her stuff
 Start the 180. Only communicate with her regarding divorce items and kid items. Only through email and text message. No conversations.
 Buy a VAR and record any conversations you do have.

She may be nice and sweet while she thinks you're home pining for her but when she realizes you are moving on, she could changed drastically. Remember, you can be nice through all this, but this is what she purchased. Time to own it.


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## notdone

sandc said:


> Good and healthy.
> 
> Remember, forgiveness doesn't mean there are no consequences. It is good and healthy that you forgive her, it is also good and healthy for both of you to accept the consequences. The consequence is that she is no longer married to you.
> 
> In addition to the dirvoce I would also recommend:
> 
> Billing her for storing her stuff
> Start the 180. Only communicate with her regarding divorce items and kid items. Only through email and text message. No conversations.
> Buy a VAR and record any conversations you do have.
> 
> She may be nice and sweet while she thinks you're home pining for her but when she realizes you are moving on, she could changed drastically. Remember, you can be nice through all this, but this is what she purchased. Time to own it.


I moved her out. It's been over a year. I filled a storage unit, nice organized, clean. She has a boyfriend, for at least publicly, a few months after she left. I still hate this, still can't believe it. I'll keep being nice. Poof! 20 plus years gone to a storage unit and a crummy boyfriend she's happily showing her family..I'd be remorseful if I had real reason. As it is, I'm just willing to accept more than half the blame for working late, not being a zen-master mind reader, or being up on the latest feeling validation techniques. I'm sensitive enough but still a man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc

Don't pine for her. You are a hard working man with morals. You are in demand. Start living and God will bring a suitable wife to you.


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## Fledgling

_Even now,” declares the Lord,
“return to me with all your heart,
with fasting and weeping and mourning.”
Rend your heart
and not your garments.
Return to the Lord your God,
for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
and he relents from sending calamity._

Joel 2:12-13 (NIV)

notdone, you are responsible for yourself. You are no longer responsible to her, nor she to you. But you are still responsible to God. Go to him and mourn. He will save you from calamity.

Even though we rationally we accept that we all have sin we all react like we have been betrayed like we were completely innocent  :

_I had been like a gentle lamb led to the slaughter; I did not realize that they had plotted against me, saying,
Let us destroy the tree and its fruit;
let us cut him off from the land of the living,
that his name be remembered no more.”_

Jeremiah 11:19

Would you say that you were a lamb led to the slaughter? If we accept our sin how could that be? Yet God still promises his plan for us further on in Jeremiah:

_For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. *You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart*._

God has a plan for you. He really does.  You must rend your heart and then seek Him. Nobody else can rend your heart. Not your wife not your children or your extended family or friends. You must rend it wide open to God's light. Not just the outer covering (the garments) but the whole shamboozle. If you do these things he will spare you disaster and show you his Plan. :smthumbup:

This is amazing stuff. Your wife's petty jealousies and dishonorable actions pale in comparison to this. Stop judging and let yourself be judged and God will forgive you. He will answer you. He will provide. But you have to be honest. Simply saying that you accept your sin will secretly hoping that your wife will dishonor herself so that you may get some justice won't cut it.

Good Luck!!!


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## notdone

Fledgling, I have to admit your post took me a while to absorb. I agree with you now, but didn't at first. It isn't that I want to see my wife dishonor herself. I did want her to have an awakening.

But- after reading another article today I find now that it's important for a husband to see the trail of tears that she must have shed up to her decisions. She doesn't believe as I do (or as many here do) she believes her position is right to guard her heart for the future with me. it will be a separate future, but with kids it will be her future. Not right in the eyes of many and I'm guessing with God. Doesn't matter. Her eventual salvation does. Judging her, well.. I have to let it go. Doesn't mitigate the pain. I was in for life.

You can guess I don't give up easily on things I'm committed to. Family and the continued happiness of, is big. Committing to God as the number one priority takes growth and time. I'm working on it. I do trust God that all will be well. Even Job saw things work out. I'm thankful I havent been covered in boils as a test of faith. Truthfully, God has been there every step of the way and I enjoy a really nice life only because of Him.

The divorce will be final soon. I still don't want it. I want to be out of limbo more than being divorced from her. The fact remains she wants out and her new life. Like a death, I have to accept and move on. Since she has been unfaithful, I'm hoping this is ok by God for me.


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## sandc

Throw yourself fully into the arms of your Savior. He will comfort you. God has removed her from you for a reason. When you're ready, go boldly forward and find out. Stop looking back toward Gomorrah.


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## Mr Blunt

> Quote of Notdone
> Truthfully, God has been there every step of the way and I enjoy a really nice life only because of Him.


*Notdone, that is really a strong testimony!* You are in great pain yet you are grateful to God and give Him the credit that HE deserves. You can really admire a Christian when he is under such great pressure and still is able to demonstrate the right attitude and heart. Thanks Notdone for your testimony and demonstration of sincerity!


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## Mr Blunt

> By Sandc
> Throw yourself fully into the arms of your Savior. He will comfort you. *God has removed her from you for a reason*. When you're ready, go boldly forward and find out. Stop looking back toward Gomorrah.



I really admire what Sandc has posted and know that he is such an encourager in the faith. His post above is such good advice. However, *I have a different view on his statement of “God has removed her from you for a reason”* 

I do not think that God removed her she removed herself. God never wanted her to sin and hurt her husband and family but she has a free will. God can override her free will but he chooses not to. She had many chances to obey God and make it right to her husband and family but she has chosen another path for quite some time now. *The violation, the fracturing of the family and the removal from the marriage and family is all her doings. *

She made the free will decisions and she will suffer the consequences now or in the future. It is sad that Notdone and the rest of the family have to suffer in her wake.

*



By NotdoneCommitting to God as the number one priority takes growth and time. I'm working on it. I do trust God that all will be well

Click to expand...

*
That is by far your best option. Working on increasing your commitment to and trust in God has the great benefits of:

*1	God will never betray you

2	God can always full fill his promises

3	God has the power to get things done right

4	God can help you grow much better than anyone else.

5	If you make the right decisions then God will use your great pain for your gain. The story of Joseph comes to my mind.

6	When you obey God and you realize that you have pleased God, no one can take away your self respect and self worth.

7	Making a choice for God and the good that comes from that will last forever. *

None of the above will take away your pain right now but you can use this crises and pain to gain so much with God and He will never leave you or forsake you.


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## Fledgling

notdone said:


> Fledgling, I have to admit your post took me a while to absorb. I agree with you now, but didn't at first. It isn't that I want to see my wife dishonor herself. I did want her to have an awakening.
> 
> But- after reading another article today I find now that it's important for a husband to see the trail of tears that she must have shed up to her decisions. She doesn't believe as I do (or as many here do) she believes her position is right to guard her heart for the future with me. it will be a separate future, but with kids it will be her future. Not right in the eyes of many and I'm guessing with God. Doesn't matter. Her eventual salvation does. Judging her, well.. I have to let it go. Doesn't mitigate the pain. I was in for life.
> 
> You can guess I don't give up easily on things I'm committed to. Family and the continued happiness of, is big. Committing to God as the number one priority takes growth and time. I'm working on it. I do trust God that all will be well. Even Job saw things work out. I'm thankful I havent been covered in boils as a test of faith. Truthfully, God has been there every step of the way and I enjoy a really nice life only because of Him.
> 
> The divorce will be final soon. I still don't want it. I want to be out of limbo more than being divorced from her. The fact remains she wants out and her new life. Like a death, I have to accept and move on. Since she has been unfaithful, I'm hoping this is ok by God for me.


So, notdone, imagine that God works a miracle in her and shows her the path to salvation. Would you just accept her back with open arms?  Would you be able to let God be the judge of her and simply forgive her? You will have pain whether she stays or goes, now. God does not want you to not feel pain. He wants to ease your pain _for you_. IMHO, you are not in the frame of mind to take her back unconditionally even if she wanted to. Also, if she wanted to come back to you she would have to be willing to put God first, above even you. You should pray for her to be right with God --- when she does that she will make better decisions for herself and your children. One would hope that you would be part of that eqation but it might be that God has different plans for the two of you now.


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## notdone

Fledgling said:


> So, notdone, imagine that God works a miracle in her and shows her the path to salvation. Would you just accept her back with open arms?  Would you be able to let God be the judge of her and simply forgive her? You will have pain whether she stays or goes, now. God does not want you to not feel pain. He wants to ease your pain _for you_. IMHO, you are not in the frame of mind to take her back unconditionally even if she wanted to. Also, if she wanted to come back to you she would have to be willing to put God first, above even you. You should pray for her to be right with God --- when she does that she will make better decisions for herself and your children. One would hope that you would be part of that eqation but it might be that God has different plans for the two of you now.


Hello All, 

First and foremost, I have to thank God. Next, I have been try to make sure I thank all of the special people in my life for their advice, patience and love in the past year. Many are here. Especially- Sandc, Rough Patch, Debster, Mr Blunt you all REALLY helped me stay the course of Godly living. I am truly blessed by All here for your support. I thank you all for prayers, caring and commenting. 

It's done. She signed first. I did have to order and pay for the attorney to begin the process. Otherwise she was resolute in her very sparse comments of what her intentions were. I was and still am treated without priority. It's ok. I work on forgiveness and take my time when I feel hurt. I pray for her. No, I don't think I could say I would take her back for long happily if she showed up at my doorstep without a very long period of cooperative proper Godly counseling on us. Besides, I'm not waiting on her. A little bit of communication with other women now that I'm single has shown me there are women who love God and communicate their feelings well. Don't worry, I'm willing to wait for Gods plan. I enjoy the journey. Every day I see blessings from God. Every day I see his grace while I'm getting my head back and still having to work with complex challenges.

God bless you all in your daily needs.

Notdone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PrettyHappyOverall

I do not see any reason to change who you are drastically for anyone. Little changes, fine, but to change the core of your being is asking WAY too much. 
There are many fish in the ocean. One of them is right for you.


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## sandc

Praise God, Notdone! This is SO encouraging to read! I'm going to continue to lift you up in prayer. And please feel free to join us on my Prayer and Encouragement thread whenever you need a spiritual boost.

Taste and see that the Lord is good!


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## notdone

Hi All!

Thought I'd send a post. I've been gone for a bit and just wanted to communicate. It's been 3 months since my last post of announcing the divorce was final.

I am so grateful for this virtual diary and comments. The advice here from you all is so uplifting. I really appreciate being able to come back here and be reminded.

I've dated. I dated one woman for 3 weeks. Some lessons were learned. Beautiful, outgoing but just not compatible. I'm learning why the advice from people in my trusted relationships tell me to take it slowly. The fun part is I'm becoming more confident in this new self. If you're new to this forum or thread please, please reconsider the spouse you've decided that you do not want to be married to.

Yes, I acknowledge there are truly abusive criminal spouses out there. I'm not talking about staying with them. 

I'm talking about perceptions of an otherwise good person. My wife gave me the "its me, not you", the "I love you, but not in-love" etc.
I could have lead our family better, I could have done more. I learned and now someone hopefully will benefit from my work someday. Could have been her and our family. 

During our marriage-No addictions, abuse, name calling, forgotten anniv. or birthdays. No aloofness, no witholding, no ignoring. Not unkempt, kept my teeth brushed, deodorant on and dressed well. Cooked, cleaned and helped. Loved and still work on loving actions towards her family. My life was work and come home.

She now lives with her unemployed pot dealer boyfriend and sees the kids for lunch or at her family's get togethers. Her choice. Claims she's happy. Gained 40lbs.

Why? Communication. Your spouse needs work. Your effort. Your reminders, even if you think you've told them yesterday. We both needed work.

Husband or wife leaving, please slow down and look inward before you continue to rewrite history based on whatever angry or hopelessness movie you're playing in your head with your friends opinions to help fuel your impending divorce disaster. Criticize yourself and get rid of those divorced friends for a while.

Suspicious or know your spouse is unhappy? Get on with the best improvement with all you've got. Get to know God, pray and study. Don't want to? Hmm, well dating for years and all the effort will make you think twice. Even if you lose them, trust me, the effort you do, chasing every possible effort before the divorce is final helps your conscience later.

I guarantee you I am not anywhere near being at the top of my game. Yet, many times I look up and thank God throughout the day. I'm soo grateful for Him.


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## tulsy

OP, I am not a Christian, but I used to be. I thought all my problems could be solved through Christ Jesus. I was raised that way.

I'm not here to knock your faith. I just wanted to say that I feel sorry for you considering what happened, and I hope you are happy once again, one day. I just don't think you can leave this all in God's hands and I hope you realize that.

There are plenty of good books to read besides the bible. I think you would really benefit from something like "The married man's sex life"....maybe your pre-conceived ideas about women are incorrect? 

I just hope you make it out okay.


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## notdone

Thanks, I appreciate you. I believe that faith without action is dead.

Many times I scurried trying or thinking through what I should be doing to make the situation better with the eventual goal of unity again. A majority of fearful thinking.

My own belief is that faith is believing first. The actions I choose are for God when I remember Him. Believe me, I forget...

The questions asked in my most troubled times are usually directed to Him. Then the thought process that is from a loving perspective instead of fear. That takes practice and remembering His words in the Bible. 

I read both secular and Christian based advice. Looking back over the past year It's the change of my heart that I can't explain beyond how God did. I agree, Jesus, God or the Holy Spirit may choose not to do it without my effort.

My views on women may seem jaded in my post, I'm sorry about that. I'm only trying here to give a strong opinion to both men and women from my experience-both in my family and others.

In the end, I realized and am totally at peace that I only can do for me with God. Painful as it is, I just have to accept and enjoy the new journey. I know I may be later married to a great woman, back with my ex wife or single. I just have faith that it will be happiness or that I get to Heaven. I like to tell my teens that I have a great pizza, just one slice missing. Not bad...

Thanks for your concern. I appreciate your care, we all need love. I hope you are doing well.


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## Mr Blunt

> Quote of Notdone
> I like to tell my teens that I have a great pizza, just one slice missing. Not bad...


Great line Notdone!


You remind me of the saying “when you have lemons make lemonade”

*You have been through a lot of pain yet you still praise God and are thankful to Him. Notdone, you are an encourager!*

Keep us posted if you want


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## notdone

I just want to say a big hello to Debster, Mr. Blunt, Rough Patch and Sandc.

Sheesh, what a roller coaster. The good news is the lows are not so low and the high points are much more enjoyable. When someone quoted divorce is a "tearing of the flesh" , they were right.

I just found out my ex wife wants to introduce our teens to her live-in boyfriend. We've been divorced now for almost 4 months. Now, I can't be hypocritical. I did introduce them to a date 2 months ago. Boy, did I learn...It's such a time of emotions overriding logical, good decisions. I do now realize this.

I will date, but won't introduce the teens again unless several months have gone by and I'm pretty sure of long term survival.
It's not fair to anyone as I put their mom behind me.

I so appreciate the support here. "...and what did she do?".. from Sandc. rings in my mind when I think of her leaving and cheating or vice versa, however it happened. Her family believes had I not worked late most of the time, she would have felt more important. Hence, her self esteem issues and I'm now the cause of her living with an unemployed pot dealer.

Hoooey. She could have also stepped up and seen better days with us working together.


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## happyman64

Good to hear from you NotDone.

Sad you are Divorced but I do not think your Ex really left you any choice did she?

Focus on you. Focus on your kids. And stop listening to everyone's BS about the cause of your wifes BS.

She obviously has those same issues post divorce...

Just look at who she is living with and you have your answer.

Dump the baggage and fix you. So your next relationship is better in every way. And focus on your kids. 

Because in the end they really need a stable and loving parent with drive and great self esteem.

HM


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## 2005tahoe

I am in the same boat. My wife left on June 2nd with no contact since then. It was all about our bankruptcy and some other issues to her. I have since been going to church with some friends and changed my attitude alot. Do I miss her? Absolutely. 

She has heard from some friends that I have been going to church and the week after she left I sent her about $400 in flowers. She is taking me going to church and changes that I am doing for me as a "sweet boy" act. Shes not buying it.

I have given my life to GOD and I am still struggling to let him take over my problems and lead me on his path as to what is going to happen. Its kind of a transition phase to me, im sure that one day I will look back at this as a better "me" with my wife or someone else that will love the "new me".


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