# I'm 2 yrs older then DH and want babies now



## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

... but my DH wants to wait until he is 30 (1.5 yrs). I will be 33 then, and for me that's too long to wait. How have other people dealt with timeline discrepancies in wanting to start trying for a baby? 

It's weird because I didn't think about babies much until I hit 31, and now I feel like I'm trapped in a ticking timebomb that will explode when I'm 35 (I don't want kids after that because of the risks for chromosome abnormalities). And now that he is stalling, it's making me even crazier! He is all about us traveling the world (together and with his job), but I've already traveled the world for my job (before I met him) and I want to settle down.

We never talked about it explicitly before marriage (because I myself wasn't sure) but he's always said things like "when we have kids..." not "IF we have kids..."


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

newwife07 said:


> We never talked about it explicitly before marriage (because I myself wasn't sure) but he's always said things like "when we have kids..." not "IF we have kids..."


See, I just don't get this. How can you marry someone without talking EXPLICITLY beforehand about something as important as HAVING CHILDREN.

You need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart about this. And you should come up with a timeline. As you state, you are getting older (aren't we all?) and you may not get pregnant easily. So you want to build that into your timeline.

If you rush him, he may resent it forever. If he stalls too long, you may resent it forever.

You need to reach an agreement now.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Your attitude is WAY off just from the thread title alone.

There is no YOU, there is a unit you have with your husband though, a team.

We all want things we can't have........today it's babies, tomorrow it will be something else......




newwife07 said:


> ... but my DH wants to wait until he is 30 (1.5 yrs). I will be 33 then, and for me that's too long to wait. How have other people dealt with timeline discrepancies in wanting to start trying for a baby?
> 
> It's weird because I didn't think about babies much until I hit 31, and now I feel like I'm trapped in a ticking timebomb that will explode when I'm 35 (I don't want kids after that because of the risks for chromosome abnormalities). And now that he is stalling, it's making me even crazier! He is all about us traveling the world (together and with his job), but I've already traveled the world for my job (before I met him) and I want to settle down.
> 
> We never talked about it explicitly before marriage (because I myself wasn't sure) but he's always said things like "when we have kids..." not "IF we have kids..."


First, I'm going to highly recommend to you to hold off for # of reasons:

#1 - you said your husband travels a lot for work. Sweetheart, you DO NOT want a father that will be unable to back you up/assist you once the baby is here. too much work + travel = nightmare on relationships (especially with kids).

#2 - he is not ready, respect that and put your needs to the side. In few years is a great compromise by your husband, what have you compromised in that regard?


----------



## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

DoF said:


> Your attitude is WAY off just from the thread title alone.
> 
> There is no YOU, there is a unit you have with your husband though, a team.
> 
> ...


YES I need more people like you to tell me their thoughts. When I read forums on the internet it's all "he doesn't want a baby now? you should divorce him!" The truth is I haven't really compromised on anything baby-related. But I don't want to feel like our whole relationship operates on his schedule, especially when my physical health is concerned (gestational diabetes, blood pressure issues, etc. from pregnancy after 35).


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

newwife07 said:


> YES I need more people like you to tell me their thoughts. When I read forums on the internet it's all "he doesn't want a baby now? you should divorce him!" The truth is I haven't really compromised on anything baby-related. But I don't want to feel like our whole relationship operates on his schedule, especially when my physical health is concerned (gestational diabetes, blood pressure issues, etc. from pregnancy after 35).


With pregnancy, there is ALWAYS risk no matter what age.

But you are correct, there SHOULD be a healthy balance of decision making and compromise on BOTH of your parts.

Keep communicating, that's really what it's all about.

Good luck


----------



## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

newwife07 said:


> YES I need more people like you to tell me their thoughts. When I read forums on the internet it's all "he doesn't want a baby now? you should divorce him!" The truth is I haven't really compromised on anything baby-related. But I don't want to feel like our whole relationship operates on his schedule, especially when my physical health is concerned (gestational diabetes, blood pressure issues, etc. from pregnancy after 35).


Forums like that tell everyone to get divorced. "He burnt the food? Divorce him! He broke a nail? Divorce him!" (Exaggerating obviously but that's how I see them) I really wouldn't listen to those forums on something as important as your marriage.

I would side with him and tell you he's not ready, but you just don't want to wait until you're 35. Not only is it hard to get pregnant to begin with, but if you do happen to get pregnant, it's likely you'll miscarriage (happened to my mom at 33 at TEN weeks pregnant), you have a higher risk for things like preeclampsia, gestational diabetes, and placenta problems. Then your baby could very possibly be born early, or still birth, or be born and not make it, or you could not make it. Even if the child is born, he/she is much more likely to have genetic disorders, so much so that they automatically refer anyone 35 and over having a baby to a genetic counselor.

Once you reach your 30s, the earlier, the better. My mom did happen to have a healthy baby at 35 and he's 5 now and she just does not have patience for him. It's hard for her to deal with his energy. I would never get pregnant at that age just because of that.

I have to say that *because* of your age, I'm on your side on this one.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

ariel_angel77 said:


> Forums like that tell everyone to get divorced. "He burnt the food? Divorce him! He broke a nail? Divorce him!" (Exaggerating obviously but that's how I see them) I really wouldn't listen to those forums on something as important as your marriage.
> 
> I would side with him and tell you he's not ready, but you just don't want to wait until you're 35. Not only is it hard to get pregnant to begin with, but if you do happen to get pregnant, it's likely you'll miscarriage (happened to my mom at 33 at TEN weeks pregnant), you have a higher risk for things like preeclampsia, gestational diabetes, and placenta problems. Then your baby could very possibly be born early, or still birth, or be born and not make it, or you could not make it. Even if the child is born, he/she is much more likely to have genetic disorders, so much so that they automatically refer anyone 35 and over having a baby to a genetic counselor.
> 
> ...


For every woman that has a miscarriage and complications in their mid 30s and beyond, there is 10 or 20 that pump out babies just fine.

It's just that no one really ever hears the happy/nothing went wrong stories.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

ariel_angel77 said:


> Forums like that tell everyone to get divorced. "He burnt the food? Divorce him! He broke a nail? Divorce him!" (Exaggerating obviously but that's how I see them) I really wouldn't listen to those forums on something as important as your marriage.
> 
> I would side with him and tell you he's not ready, but you just don't want to wait until you're 35. Not only is it hard to get pregnant to begin with, but if you do happen to get pregnant, it's likely you'll miscarriage (happened to my mom at 33 at TEN weeks pregnant), you have a higher risk for things like preeclampsia, gestational diabetes, and placenta problems. Then your baby could very possibly be born early, or still birth, or be born and not make it, or you could not make it. Even if the child is born, he/she is much more likely to have genetic disorders, so much so that they automatically refer anyone 35 and over having a baby to a genetic counselor.
> 
> ...


I agree with this! I understand that both partners need to be 100% on board...however age and fertility are issues that can't be brushed off and have a huge time component. Every year can be like dog years where fertility is concerned. Also, it may take awhile to even conceive. He can wait to have children, the longer you wait the more risks there are for you and the future baby.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I wanted to add that I am not sure men quite understand the "trapped in a ticking time bomb" that is a woman's fertility as it relates to age....


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Livvie said:


> I wanted to add that I am not sure men quite understand the "trapped in a ticking time bomb" that is a woman's fertility as it relates to age....


It's not rocket science, men are well aware of the risks/chances as a woman ages.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

ariel_angel77 said:


> ...but if you do happen to get pregnant, it's likely you'll miscarriage...


Huh?

Not the most encouraging (or accurate) post AA... 

Many people never miscarry.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If you didn't discuss before marriage, it's not fair to villify him now.

It's really a bad idea to have a baby that is not wanted by both parents.

It's not about you or your husband. It's about the child.

I would argue that in this day and age, your timeline is just as arbitrary as his.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm sure your husband still feels very young yet. He isn't even thirty so he probably feels there's all the time in the world. Since you don't feel there is a lot of time, you need to have a very serious conversation with him. However, there's always the possibility he won't see things your way. Then what?


----------



## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

Not really any opinions on how to approach this, but my youngest son was totally unplanned and I had him at 34 - he's the best thing that ever happened to me and it was a healthy uneventful pregnancy. I had one child previously at the age of 20, and I can say I was much better prepared at 34 than I was at 20. Although I don't have quite the energy level I did when I was younger, my son and I spend lots of quality time together having fun and I wouldn't change anything about it for the world.


----------



## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

This is pretty anecdotal, but my wife had our youngest child when she was 42. It all went swimmingly.

Point being, there's plenty of time to work through this and reach an agreement. Don't let that ticking you hear unnecessarily freak you out into rushing things more than they need to be.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
There is a another thread on the same topic floating around here (parenting section I think). A few thoughts

It would have been best if you had discussed this before getting married - but time machines are in short supply.

No one should be pressured into having, or not having kids. It is too important a decision.

It shouldn't even need mentioning but it is utterly acceptable to trick / coerce someone into having kids. :FIREdevil:

There really isn't room for compromise, there is no middle ground.

Unless it was agreed upon before marriage, there is no right or wrong here. 

My suggestion to add is to take in foster kids and see how it goes, one of you might change your opinion once you see what life is like with kids.


----------



## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I think from reading your other threads that your husband is not ready to have kids. You should never push a spouse into having children if they are not ready. It is your fault that you did not make it clear to him from the beginning that you didn't want to wait.

Honestly, I don't see why you are so adamant about having them now. People in my family have babies all the time after 35 and not one of them has had any problems. In fact, many women thrive during their 30s. If you don't have any genetic factors to consider, it might just be worth waiting until you are both ready.

Also, you need to consider your husband's desire to travel. I am guessing that since he is an immigrant, he might have come from a country where traveling a lot is not really as easy. I have also traveled a lot of the world before I got married. None of those trips are as good as the ones with my spouse.

Try to loosen up your ideas about settling right now and spend quality time with your husband. Believe me, after the first baby, that quality time significantly diminishes!


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

DoF said:


> It's not rocket science, men are well aware of the risks/chances as a woman ages.


Men are aware, but it's still not the same as worrying that your own body may not be able to perform. And if you miss the boat there's no going back, biologically.


----------



## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Huh?
> 
> Not the most encouraging (or accurate) post AA...
> 
> Many people never miscarry.


Sorry you don't like my post. Apparently many of you don't know exactly HOW many women miscarry. Most women I know have either miscarried or lost a child in some way. You don't know what it's like to be a woman and have to deal with the scariness of this. We want to avoid it as much as possible, and the fact that it's much more likely the older we get is very scary to us.

The point of my post was to agree with OP in having a child ASAP, not discourage her.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

newwife07 said:


> ... but my DH wants to wait until he is 30 (1.5 yrs). I will be 33 then, and for me that's too long to wait. How have other people dealt with timeline discrepancies in wanting to start trying for a baby?


Waited patiently until he was ready so that my children could have a fully engaged father. And because I love him.


----------



## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

ariel_angel77 said:


> Sorry you don't like my post. Apparently many of you don't know exactly HOW many women miscarry. Most women I know have either miscarried or lost a child in some way. You don't know what it's like to be a woman and have to deal with the scariness of this. We want to avoid it as much as possible, and the fact that it's much more likely the older we get is very scary to us.
> 
> The point of my post was to agree with OP in having a child ASAP, not discourage her.



I also know women who had kids at 35 and didn't miscarry. 

So what's your solution? Coerce him into doing something he doesn't want to do?


----------



## stuckinboston (Jul 28, 2010)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening all
> There is a another thread on the same topic floating around here (parenting section I think). A few thoughts
> 
> It would have been best if you had discussed this before getting married - but time machines are in short supply.
> ...


Yeah, that'd be my thread. It seems that some of us just have this preconception that anyone who wants to get married would want to have kids - at least, that's how I thought. There was no need to bring up "do you want kids?" because, hell, everyone wants kids.

Naivete. I know that now. That's kind of the outcome of being naive and then suddenly not so much.

If my wife were giving me indications that she wants kids, but wants to wait, like OP's DH, that would probably be fine with me. Pregnancies over 35 are not nearly so difficult as they once were, and the chances of problems - while still elevated - are oft overblown.

OP, be happy that your SO is into the idea of having kids, even if he wants to wait. Be patient. My advice, at least.


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

Do you think there is some resentment of your husband, which is why you now have an intense crush on another man? Doesn't that give you pause that you yourself are not ready to have a baby?

Here's the question of a different stripe, for anyone. What is the state of technology for freezing a womans eggs? Meant to address this problem I believe.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ariel_angel77 said:


> Sorry you don't like my post. Apparently many of you don't know exactly HOW many women miscarry. Most women I know have either miscarried or lost a child in some way. You don't know what it's like to be a woman and have to deal with the scariness of this. We want to avoid it as much as possible, and the fact that it's much more likely the older we get is very scary to us.
> 
> The point of my post was to agree with OP in having a child ASAP, not discourage her.


•An increase in maternal age affects the chances of miscarriage

•Women under the age of 35 yrs old have about a 15% chance of miscarriage

•Women who are 35-45 yrs old have a 20-35% chance of miscarriage

•Women over the age of 45 can have up to a 50% chance of miscarriage

•A woman who has had a previous miscarriage has a 25% chance of having another (only a slightly elevated risk than for someone who has not had a previous miscarriage)


----------



## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

Realize that your life phases are not in sync. Make a decision to either accept that, talk about it or move on. Don't force his hand, if you do he still won't be ready and he may resent it down the road.

I had to wait 7 years for my wife's life phases to sync up with mine. Was it fun to wait, not really, b/c my life was pretty much on hold. I would've like kids sooner, so that I could have that experience and retire when I'm in my early 50's. Now I'm in my 40's and my kid is just about 3 years old - so typically in my case I don't think I'll be retiring until he's almost finished college, which puts me close to 60.

There is no 'ideal cases' in life. Sometime you just have to deal with it or jet.


----------



## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> •An increase in maternal age affects the chances of miscarriage...


And from wikipedia:*

Decreased fertility*


At age 30
75% will have a conception ending in a live birth within one year
91% will have a conception ending in a live birth within four years.
 
At age 35
66% will have a conception ending in a live birth within one year
84% will have a conception ending in a live birth within four years.
 
At age 40
44% will have a conception ending in a live birth within one year
64% will have a conception ending in a live birth within four years.
 
 * Risk of birth defects*


At age 20, 1 in 1,440
At age 25, 1 in 1,380
At age 30, 1 in 960
At age 35, 1 in 340
At age 40, 1 in 84
At age 45, 1 in 38
At age 50, 1 in 44
So the question is whether the husband is just feeling a little anxious about kids, or are there bigger problems??? But waiting isn't a great idea.


----------



## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for their replies. You've helped me sort out my thoughts on the subject.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Can you share your thoughts?


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Livvie said:


> I agree with this! I understand that both partners need to be 100% on board...*however age and fertility are issues that can't be brushed off and have a huge time component. Every year can be like dog years where fertility is concerned. Also, it may take awhile to even conceive.* He can wait to have children, the longer you wait the more risks there are for you and the future baby.


Speaking as one who wanted at the very least 3 children & 1 had to be a girl or we'd keep trying...(all of this was talked about/ agreed on yrs before we married)...what we learned a couple yrs in was.. the blessing of fertility does not always go as planned...

After our 1st...we had a detour of almost 7 yrs of infertility, many tests, tears on his shoulder, clomid, a surgery , almost an IN vitro attempt....
It was good to know I had a problem with yrs ahead of us...(some comfort there)... it all worked out very nicely...but had I started at age 35.. just saying.. I would not have my family today, or the one I dreamed of.. 

But you'll probably be fine ...in your case, it's the Gestational Diabetes and/or High blood pressure issues if your female relatives had these problems in their mid 30's...something to talk to your OBGYN about.. 

Is he not swayed at all about the health concerns? 

I am BIG on couples having a vision for their marriage ...this includes kids, how many, when..something to go forth together on.. every now & then we see threads like this.. it can be a very difficult road..if a reasonable compromise can not be found.


----------



## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Both people have to be ready or kids can lead to hardship, marital problems, etc. It sounds like he's not ready, and that's ok. If you push too hard, you could end up with a resentful husband or worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

