# Please Help- I do not want this Divorce



## dontknowwheretoturn (Oct 15, 2010)

I am at the end of my rope and do not know what to do. I have been married for nearly five years, most of which have been wonderful. If you asked me one year ago, I would have said everything was perfect. Then earlier this year, I started going through some issues with depression and unhappiness. I thought maybe I was unhappy in the marriage, and I am ashamed to say that I took some of my misery out on him, told him I did not know if I wanted to be married anymore, went out more with friends, etc. I even thought that I had feelings for a male friend and wanted to be with him (I did not have an affair with this man, and now realize that I really do not have those feelings for him). My husband was very supportive even though I know this was hurting him a great deal. I finally started to realize the issue was with me, and I started seeing a therapist, which was a very difficult step for me to take. Now, a few moths later, it seems like things are going bad again, but this time it is coming from him. We had avoided talking about it, but finally realized we had to. He basically said he was not sure he wanted to try anymore, and that he has met someone else he has feelings for. He says he has not had an affair, and I do believe him. He told me he does not love me anymore, that I destroyed our love with what I did and how I acted, and that he does not think things can work. I do not know if he is just saying this because I hurt him, or because he met someone else, or what. He said one of the main reasons it cannot work is that if he stays with me he will always wonder if I am going to do that again, he will always have to think "is today the day she is going to say she doesnt want to be with me?" He also siad maybe we got married too young (we were 20 and 23), and that for a long time it has felt more like we have been best friends. I begged and pleaded for another chance, for some time, for us to go to counseling. I will do anything to earn his trust again, if it is possible. Is there enough there to fight for? If he is willing to split up over something like this, does that mean maybe there wasn't that much there to begin with? He says I am a great person and he wants to be best friends and roommates. I feel like I do not know where to do, I cannot come to terms with this, with knowing that he will no longer be my husband, that he will not be a part of my life in the same way, that he will be with someone else, and that not only would I lose him, I would lose his family too. I adore his parents, grandparents, siblings and nieces and nephews. Please help, I really do not feel like I can cope with this.  I want to do something, anything, to save my marriage.


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## cubsfn (Sep 23, 2010)

As long as one person is still in love, there is always a chance .. I went through something similar with my wife last year .. we both saw seperate counseling then couples counseling and we were able to move forward .... I'd suggest counseling.


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## dontknowwheretoturn (Oct 15, 2010)

I am glad to hear that you and your wife were able to move forward and it seems to be working for you. I suggested couseling and have started going on my own, but he says he does not like stuff like that and he will not go. I am still so in love with him and I want so badly to get past this. At the same time, I am shocked that he would be so quick to end things because we are having a rough patch!


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## sweetpeaflower (Sep 23, 2010)

It sounds like you are both pretty immature. Of course you should fight to stay together, both of you should. You voiced marriage vows in front of God, do they mean nothing? You should not be looking at anyone else but your spouse, and certainly not voicing anything about anyone else--to your spouse. It breeds mistrust! Everyone in the world has "feelings" or "desires" on occasion for another person, but it certainly doesn't have to be said or acted upon. You both need to concentrate on each other, with lots of compliments about small things that you do every day. Treat him like the boyfriend he used to be. Do not put yourselves in a position to be tempted by the opposite sex. Concentrate on each other only. This is really just a small problem, which can be fixed. The trust issue is much larger, but with both of you working on rebuilding trust, you can have a much better relationship with each other.


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## dontknowwheretoturn (Oct 15, 2010)

I'm sure we both are still immature, as I said, we got married very very young. But my question really is, can I do anything if he says he is no longer in love with me, and he does not want to be together any longer? I want it to work so badly, I want him for the rest of my life, and I will do anything necessary. I just do not know how to get through to him so we can try. Everything I do seems to be wrong. The other night we held each other and cried over everything. I do not understand, if it is so hurtful for both of us, why cant we just stop this and work on our marriage? How can I get him to see this? I refuse to believe that he does not love me anymore. Why would this be so difficult for him if he didn't? The way I see it, we chose each other and vowed to be together for better or worse for the rest of our lives- how can he just throw that away?


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## sweetpeaflower (Sep 23, 2010)

If he no longer trusts you, he may not want to open up or let his guard down with you now, for FEAR or being hurt again. It may all come down to his FEAR of betrayal again. Can you go to counseling with (or without him? ) It sounds like it wouldn't hurt, and it certainly may help you two. Another alternative, do a trial separation. See if he will miss you. If not, then it's probably not ever going to work. I think counseling is the best bet.


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

dontknowwheretoturn said:


> The way I see it, we chose each other and vowed to be together for better or worse for the rest of our lives- how can he just throw that away?


Maybe he thought like this before you went through your depression and expressed just the opposite feelings and actions. You seem to describe it in terms of 'he's not in love anymore'. Its very likely that he really saw and fears that when you go through a rough time, instead of clinging to him, you'll turn away. I just wonder if it really started for him because he fears that you can't be trusted to stick with 'for better or worse'. I'd suggest that you be honest with this mistake. Let him know that it will not define you in the future. Maybe tell him that you think that you two have something worth fighting for, and you want to use this as a learning experience.

I know from personal experience that for many guys, its more of a matter of trust than a feeling of being 'in love.'


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

There is the possibility that he is playing the old "How do YOU like it?" game.


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## dontknowwheretoturn (Oct 15, 2010)

So here is what is going on now- we still live together, although he has been staying in one of the spare bedroom and occasionally stays at his best friend's house. However, we have been getting along well, we have gone out to eat, out shopping, etc., and had alot of fun. We are also still being intimate with each other. He says that it is just like being friends (with benefits) but I cant help but think that we are rebuilding our relationship. I asked him why he wanted to have a trial separation first, and not just divorce (which I told him is definitely not what I want) and he said that he "wants to wait and see if he feels anything". Am I being totally pathetic? I love him so much, and I feel like we can get back to things being good, but I also do not want to let him walk all over me and use me until he is ready to file for divorce. I am so confused!


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## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

OMG I am reading the story of my life... got married young to a marine right after iraq.... been together 6 yrs, he decided 3 weeks ago he wants out ....out of the blue, never any issues. He is still living in the same our in a spare bedroom and it kills me... we had therapy yesterday which helped us tlaka bit today, but he wants freedom and Independence is what he said in therapy....he wants no responsibility for anyone else. He talked divorce right off tht bat, now he says we need to separate, i guess we already are separated since he moved out of the room and doesnt relaly talk to me that much....

I feel you on not wanting to be walked over... i feel like when i try he is willing to be nice and do what it takes to help me out (not do what it takes to make it work) so i feel like i am being nice for nothing. When do you put your foot down, or when do you stop trying when you are not sure what he is thinking?


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

sweetpeaflower said:


> It sounds like you are both pretty immature. Of course you should fight to stay together, both of you should. You voiced marriage vows in front of God, do they mean nothin


Why do you feel the need to moralise and pass judgement on this person asking for help? Why do you have to mention god? Marriage doesn't have to have anything to do with god.


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## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

Sometimes there is nothign we can do...as much fighting as we are doing, nothing will change a wall. 

I am realizing that this weekend... my marriage is over, I can fight all i want, but he doesnt want it and he wants out. He is unhappy and for him being selfish and wanting to be single and responsible for only him, I am suffering and my heat is broken. But I am loosing a battle that I know i will not win with him. Im scared to end this but it is ending...I have to move on and he las to leave.


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## dontknowwheretoturn (Oct 15, 2010)

shelly29- I am sorry to hear that you have decided your marriage will not work, but it is good that you are taking action and can start to move on, if your husband does not want to be with you anymore. I am afraid that our situation will end up, that a year from now he still wont know what he wants and will still be in the spare bedroom, and I will still be suffering and hoping things will work out. I am desperate to know what he wants to do. Even if he does want a divorce, at least if I know I can start to move on and heal. I am hoping so much that he will want to work things out, however.


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