# Husband wants a divorce but I don't...



## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

Hi everyone. I'm new to this site and SO thankful I found it... So here it goes...

My husband and I are high school sweethearts, together for 11 years and married for 6. So, he is 28 and I'm almost 28.

In 2009, my husband told me he wasn't feeling like he used to and wasn't happy. It was because I was kind of lazy in the fact that I didn't clean much, he did most of it. He said I was defensive and I yelled. I do admit, I was all those things, but that's who I've always been. He said that he thought it would change once we got married. So he stopped wearing his wedding ring and basically just wanted to live in our own rooms and what not. I decided to love out and live with my dad. I lived with my dad for a little over a month and then my husband told me he thought about everything and he wanted to work on things and have me move back, so I did. And everything was sooo good. We hardly ever argued and it was just always wonderful. Now let me say, my husband and I are best friends. We play sports together, always allow one another to do their own things, hang out with other couples, enjoy cooking together, all these things... We never told each other we couldn't do something if the other wanted to. We are/were that couple that everyone hated cause they were jealous, or so they told us.

I also want to say that we grew up very differently. He was beaten as a kid, his dad was a marine and he got blamed for the failure of his parents divorce. I grew up in a very loving, close knit family. 

I got better with my yelling, cleaning and not being so defensive. Sometimes I was still lazy but not much. 

So, back in July 2013 I got laid off from my job but got a severance to last about 4 months, and have been looking for a job since. Then it was our anniversary in September and he surprised me with roses and a card and it said how much he loved me and couldn't wait to spend all the future years together....

Then, on Oct 9th, he told me he felt like he did before and was pretty much done. He said he felt this way back in July but didn't want to tell me until I got a new job because he knew how stressed I was. So, I didn't understand and asked him why he gave me that card a month to him prior to telling me he wants a divorce and he said it was because he didn't want me to know how he was feeling.

So, he took his ring off, and now he stays at a buddies place a few times a week and when we are home together he civilly talk and then he goes into the extra room and I sleep in our room, and we barely talk. He says he is just done and doesn't think he's making a mistake, he says he loves me more than I know but can't get past how he felt. He absolutely will not go to counseling as he doesn't believe in it, so it's like he's just done. He told me he's only been happy half of the marriage, he keeps most of his feelings bottled up.

I do NOT want a divorce as I don't think you should just quit but I can't make him want to stay...and I just feel so lost and don't know what to do. Do I just let him go? I want him and myself to be happy, so do I just let it go? Any help is appreciated. 

Thanks


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

Without counseling its going to be even harder. You both need to address the issues in your marriage so you can begin to fix them. If he isn't willing to work on the marriage then thats another issue in itself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are you sure that he's not having an affair. Very often the staying somewhere else is related to getting the freedom to see someone else.

That would be the first thing I'd check out.

Get the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Divorce Busting". They could help you quite a bit.


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

Ya I'm sure he's not having affair. That's the one thing I know. I don't know what else to do... It's like he made up his mind already...


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## Kolors (Sep 27, 2013)

It is rough as hell when you feel like the other person has made up their mind. I have been going through that with my wife and even though she has stayed and we are "working through things" some days I feel like her heart isn't in it.

The best thing that I have been able to do is to focus on me and getting a handle on myself. It took me nearly a month to realize that talking about it wouldn't change her mind. If she made her mind up, she has to change it. All I can do is be a more attractive mate and hope the fire relights before it goes away forever.


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## Oblivious2678 (Sep 3, 2013)

ihatethis, it's time to turn a 180 on him. You need to completely focus on yourself and making yourself better. This way, regardless of what happens, you come out of it a stronger person. In the mean time, he will see your improvements in yourself and that you can thrive without him. This will make you more attractive to him. You can remain cordial with him and that's it. If he's the one that wants to walk, let him walk while in turn, you become the stronger person.


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## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

Agree with Kolors.

Once they have made up their mind, there isn't a darn thing you are going to do or say to change it. Excessively talking about it only makes it worse.

Focus on you. As hard as that sounds.


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

I am trying to not talk to him about it. We have hardly seen each other since it happened. Right now we mostly don't see each other, an tonight he came home and just went to his bed right away without saying a word to me. I have no idea what to do... I feel so lost.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Could you please answer the questions I asked you above?


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

I did answer above, yes, I am sure he is not having an affair. I know where he is staying. Having an affair is the one thing he would never do. When he was younger he caught his dad having an affair and his parents blamed it all on him and tore him up.


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

I have hardly seen him in the last 3 weeks and he came home tonight and is sleeping in his room and I'm having such a hard time not hugging or kissing him.... Help!!! How does someone get through those moments??


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You can edit a post.. the edit button is right there next to the Quote one.


So he's not said anything to you?


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

Ya we talked about what we've been doing... Some house stuff that's going on... Nothing about us.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A husband disappearing (mostly) for 3 weeks is uncool. He owes you an explanation. How do you intend to handle this?


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

I knew he wasn't going to be around. When I'm here he stays with a friend, when I'm not here he is home....that's what we discussed.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok, so you think he's not cheating. He says he's done. But he's still around some.

If you want to still work on winning him back I think that the book "Surviving an Affair" would help you a lot. While you say he's not having an affair, the same things that often lead to a person having an affair, lead to other just leaving the marriage and/or wanting out. The book talks about how to approach getting your spouse back. 

The other book I suggested above is a follow-on to this book.


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

Some days i feel so so strong, but i woke up today knowing it was going to be bad. I had a nightmare that (long story short) he and i were at some retreat and he left with another woman... i just dont know how to be strong anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pierrematoe (Sep 6, 2013)

Books are very good resources but seriously you need to be seeing a counselor ASAP. If he won't see a MC with you, go for yourself. I have been in some very bad situations and after 1 or 2 sessions I felt a whole lot better. You can find social workers who work for very little money or whatever you can afford so you don't need to spend a ton. You can also talk to one on LivePerson.com. Some very good counselors on there as well.


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

He just text me and told me "you know im not changing my mind about us right? The feelings aren't there anymore". He then said "what are you going to want to do with everything?" ... ugh. I can't afford a counselor right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

He told me that while we were seperated, 3 weeks ago it started, he met someone through a friend... and they have only talked mostly.. hung out a couple times but no physical stuff... so, there is nothing i can do now. He has just quit and is moving on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Yeah, I hate to say it, but it was basically an affair the whole time. Remember than "affair" can mean lots of different things, with the key differences being physical or emotional. Perhaps you are right that he didn't/wouldn't have a physical affair without first telling you that the marriage is over, but emotional affairs can develop on the sly without either person even being fully aware of it until they are neck deep in it. I'm not saying he's a bad guy, but I feel very confident in my belief that he met this other woman before you both separated.

Can you win him back? Certainly, but it's still not up to you. I'd say your best bet is to take the advice from others above and commit fully to the 180. You do that for yourself first and foremost, but it will also make you a far more attractive and desirable mate to your husband as well. The thing is, as long as there is another woman in the picture, you won't have a chance. She's not better than you, she's just new. New, alluring, mysterious, different attributes and features, physically and mentally. He won't be capable of noticing you or any efforts you make as long as she is in the picture.

So commit to the 180 for you. If he and the other woman break up (which is extremely likely at some point. Adulterous relationships have extremely low "success" rates), believe me, that is when he will most definitely look back at you and he will notice a difference if you have been diligent about improving yourself.


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## MyTurn (Oct 27, 2013)

i hatethis ,
sorry you are here.
This:<<He told me that while we were seperated, 3 weeks ago it started, he met someone through a friend... and they have only talked mostly.. hung out a couple times but no physical stuff... so, there is nothing i can do now. He has just quit and is moving on. >>
At least EA (probably PA)

<< Then it was our anniversary in September and he surprised me with roses and a card and it said how much he loved me and couldn't wait to spend all the future years together....>>
The EA has started .Guilt

Then, on Oct 9th, he told me he felt like he did before and was pretty much done. He said he felt this way back in July but didn't want to tell me until I got a new job because he knew how stressed I was. So, I didn't understand and asked him why he gave me that card a month to him prior to telling me he wants a divorce and he said it was because he didn't want me to know how he was feeling.>>
probably the PA starts or it's ready to start
start the 180 asap . The best chance you have is to show him that you are done and moving on.Do not show him your weak side .
Do not show him you are hurting.Go out with friends and look happy
-even better be happy.Start doing things you always wanted , things that you like ,things that make you happy.Be the woman, a man would like to be with.Be that woman.You are that woman.
You do not need him . You will be fine .You are fine.
Let him see that woman.I bet that he will start seeing things diffrently.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Hit the gym. Eat healthy. Ignore him. Except for the kids. He is not to introduce them

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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