# "I’m Polyamorous And My Marriage Is In The Best Place It Has Ever Been"



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Not endorsing this person's choices one way or the other, but I thought this was an interesting article. At the web site, it was followed by a huge number of comments as well:
I'm Polyamorous And My Marriage Is In The Best Place It Has Ever Been

_A wonderful sex and love therapist once told me that there is a spectrum of monogamy to polyamory, from the most fidelity driven two-person couples to the individuals so dedicated to multiple partners that their personal lives ring of debauchery. Then there are those of us who fall somewhere in the middle, dedicated and committed yes, but also driven to love more than one.

In what I’d call the middle, somewhere between newly married lovebirds with eyes only for each other and swingers at an orgy, is the idea of ethical non-monogamy or, polyamory. The idea that the human heart is capable of love and devotion to more than one partner. There is not one soulmate who fulfills you so completely that your emotional, physical and all other relationship needs are met, but that meeting all these needs could take more than one person — and that’s OK. In fact, it’s down right beautiful. The cornerstone of this kind of love is communication. Open, honest, and by all means frequent communication, but first, you need to get there.

I was raised in a nuclear family that consisted of my parents, my sister, myself and God. My father liked to post scripture on the fridge and lecture my sister and I about settling down with a good Christian man who could provide for us. From my teenage days one of my main interest was chasing boys. I liked men, I still like men. The look of them, the smell of them, the way their shirts button on the opposite side and when they sit down they always look so damn comfortable. Despite my desire to surround myself with the male of the species, my parents’ tutelage stuck in my head: Find a nice man. Settle down.

I also wanted badly to be a mother, perhaps due to natural mothering instinct or to try to be a better one than my own. But the outcome was the same. I needed to get married and have babies.

My husband and I met when we were 18, all naive and young and adorable. We fell in love quickly and married shortly after finishing college. We married under the strict and fast rules of monogamy and the church. Thou shall forsake all others, one woman one man, and so on, but the times would change.

Recently, my husband and I attended a wedding where, clasping fingers we giggled as the priest spoke of “three cords being the strongest,” because our third cord would be our having other partners. I do not say this to dismiss religion, but to iterate the fact that for some, adding more love enriches and fulfills what you already have.

When I timidly, and over many days, weeks even, broached the subject with my husband, we had been married for nine years and had three children together. We had always communicated well, though with a heavy dose of snarkiness we find charming. But I had realized within myself the propensity to fall in love with other people. I loved my husband and our children; I was constantly concerned about their needs and our needs as a family to a point where I finally asked myself what my own needs were. I feel that for a whole family to function, each member has to have to some core need met or be left wanting.

I was drawn to a close friend, despite what I already had, and had to use those open channels of discussion to broach the topic. The best way I could explain this to my husband was that I had feelings for my friend and I could not ignore them. I would not cheat on him, but I also wouldn’t pretend I did not feel this connection to another person. This caused me to think back to all the times I was torn between emotional bonds with one or another, and that the main reason I had stuck with monogamy was because I was told it was “right.” I wasn’t craving wild flings and one night stands. Though I fully admit I was physically attracted to this man too, I wanted the freedom to love some as my own heart saw fit.

During those rocky days of discovery and negotiation, one thing my husband and I steadfastly agreed on was what was most important: our children. We had three under the age of 10, and they required an exorbitant amount of our time, attention, and love while also often driving us to exhaustion.

You may think that adding partners would deplete an already flailing sex life. Any parents with young children can tell you that a sex life can be nearly non-existent. You might assume that being poly would take away from the devotion to parenting discussions, but really it was quite the opposite. Our dedication to raising, protecting and nurturing the children became stronger as we embarked on a different lifestyle, always making sure we were discussing what the kids should know or not (very little at these ages) and how anything was affecting them.

But also, being poly gave us another connection, another conversation. We had more to discuss than who peed on the floor today or which one put peanut butter on the dog. We discussed our sexual interest, what we found attractive in others, and also began to explore more just what each of us wanted from life in general.

Our sex life took a turn for betterment I couldn’t have imagined. Not only did we start to explore more areas of our desires, but finding passion and confidence with other partners brought us closer together so our time spent intimately doubled from what it used to be. I felt more drawn to my husband, and our relationship is better than it has been in years. Either of us would tell you so.

I am a mother, then a wife, and then a girlfriend. The kids’ needs come before my husband’s and boyfriend’s, and we all are sensitive to how time is spent with them. I do not give up time with them to spend time with my boyfriend, and my husband and I make sure to spend plenty of time as a family.

Yes, my kids know my boyfriend, adore him actually. This arrangement isn’t confusing for them because they know him as a family friend (he was before we ever dated). The kids are currently kept completely unaware of any other dating that goes on.

If eventually, my husband would like to introduce a partner to our children, it would have to be serious enough (as in dating for awhile) to warrant the children knowing. Perhaps, when they get older they will find out that “uncle Jim” is actually their mother’s partner. And then we plan to explain that love is not bound to two people, and we all may love and live as we choose._


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## RedRose14 (Aug 15, 2013)

Well, I'm pleased for them that it all worked out well and they are all happy. Personally it wouldn't work for me, I do not want my H having a relationship with another woman and I do not want to have a "boyfriend" that I can introduce my children to and who they will adore. I think it would be a recipe for disaster for the vast majority of people, but I see that it does work well for some.

This is an example of what can go wrong with polyamory

BBC News - Isabelle Cowley was drowned by her mother

Sorry, I don't know how to do a link, but it's about a mother (Rachel Crowley) who drowned her daughter, Isabelle, after her H's girlfriend gave birth to his baby. They had apparently been living happily in a polyamorous/sexual relationship with each other but the first mother couldn't handle it when her H had a baby with the second mother.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I think it can work for some people, but I do think they are a minority. As long as wall parties are adults and all agree, I'm fine with their lifestyle.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Well, that's one way to find happiness. Having a hard time seeing how this could actually work in the real world, with real drama, real trauma and real people.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Well, someone who is mentally ill to begin with isn't likely to make good choices in any area of life. Plenty of monogamous women have killed their children too, yet that's apparently not an argument against monogamy. RedRose, if your'e offering the article as an argument against polyamory, it's a false argument.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> *Well, someone who is mentally ill to begin with isn't likely to make good choices in any area of life. Plenty of monogamous women have killed their children too, yet that's apparently not an argument against monogamy.* If your'e offering the article as an argument against polyamory, it's a false argument.


:iagree:


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I've followed a few polyamorous blogs over the years. The majority of the relationships fizzled, some spectacularly like Steve Pavlina, who is a motivational speaker. I wish this author would update the article in about five years or so. 

This was Steve Pavlina's Q&A at the start of his polyamorous relationship. His answers remind me of what the woman in the blog wrote.

Polyamorous Relationship Q&A

And then Steve's post just prior to the divorce from his wife after they brought polyamory into the marriage.

Separation

"Did polyamory play a role in this?"

"To a certain extent, yes. It helped us discover new truths about ourselves.

This year we both opened ourselves up to having deeper intimate connections with other people. This was a bit of an exploration process. It gave both of us more clarity to see that our marriage wasn’t the best vehicle for our long-term happiness. We were happy in some areas but not in others. We had reached a dead-end and needed to let go of the marriage to get around it. Otherwise we’d end up working harder and harder trying to make each other happy, with worsening results.

I learned that I really enjoy relationships based on a deep emotional connection, openness, honesty, trust, compatible interests, and having fun together. I definitely want to have more of that in my life. But I found it very awkward to do this within the scope of my marriage. It was like trying to straddle two different worlds. An open marriage is practically a contradiction in terms. I found that I resonated more with the concept of openness than with the concept of marriage.

Erin and I realized that we were disempowering each other by giving too much power to the marriage itself. It was as if we somehow owned each other’s hearts and had to keep checking in and asking permission for anything we wanted to do intimacy-wise. We went out of our way to avoid serious misunderstandings and to check in with each other’s feelings, but the communication burden become insane after a while. It was a fun thing to explore, and I don’t have any regrets about it, but I wouldn’t want to keep this up long-term within a marriage structure."

I’m reminded of the quote from Kahlil Gibran: “Let there be spaces in your togetherness.” Erin and I had become so close that we were smothering each other. We both needed to step back and give each other more freedom, and ultimately that led us to step right out of the marriage itself.

It’s fair to say that polyamory was a catalyst for ending our marriage, but only partly. Another catalyst behind that one was my decision to get into raw foods. That’s partly what spawned this exploration of intimacy in the first place. Eating raw is an emotional amplifier. I had to learn to start processing the emotions I was feeling because they couldn’t be so easily dismissed."


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## RedRose14 (Aug 15, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> Well, someone who is mentally ill to begin with isn't likely to make good choices in any area of life. Plenty of monogamous women have killed their children too, yet that's apparently not an argument against monogamy. RedRose, if your'e offering the article as an argument against polyamory, it's a false argument.


I'm not saying she killed her daughter because of the polyamory, and she clearly has mental health issues and would probably have mental health issues in a monogamous relationship too, but the polyamory certainly wasn't helpful to her, and it seems the birth of the baby with the other woman was what pushed her over the edge.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Usual suspects


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> Usual suspects


You included!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

RedRose14 said:


> I'm not saying she killed her daughter because of the polyamory, and she clearly has mental health issues and would probably have mental health issues in a monogamous relationship too, but the polyamory certainly wasn't helpful to her, and it seems the birth of the baby with the other woman was what pushed her over the edge.


You are right - polyamory probably wasn't helpful to her. Of course, monogamy may not have been either! :scratchhead:


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## RedRose14 (Aug 15, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> You are right - polyamory probably wasn't helpful to her. Of course, monogamy may not have been either! :scratchhead:


I'm not sure whether you are being argumentative with me, or sarcastic, whether you think I am an idiot, I don't know. I am new to this forum thing and just working out the acronyms is hard enough for me. I'm not suggesting I am the font of all knowledge, I'm not super intelligent, I have a menial low paid job. I'm nothing special and I'm not trying to be.

I am simply expressing my opinion that in the instance that I mentioned I think polyamory was a bad thing for that woman. She clearly is vulnerable and the added stress and emotions involved in watching her H have a relationship with another woman and having a baby with her sent her over the edge .... in my opinion. You don't agree with me, that's fine. Maybe I am imagining sarcasm and superiority from you where there is none. It's difficult to tell from posts on a forum.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I have read a lot on the subject. I have never found any evidence that it helps relationships. I have seen a lot of evidence to the contrary, that it in fact adds a lot of new issues, through which it can be even harder for a marriage to survive. 

In fact I from what I have seen the usual issues of jealousy, time spent together, sex, children etc were more complicated and thus had more of an impact, causing couples to split.


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## Balzaar (Aug 29, 2013)

Reading the story the OP posted only one thing comes to mind that that is the woman's husband is a beta (he still had not "found" a girlfriend).

I remember watching a show regarding a successful poly triangle and it was obvious what made it work so well and it was the feminized hubby who seemed to be very comfortable in an apron while his wife was banging a guy who looked like he would kick Mr. Pansies butt if he looked at his sideways.

The odds of this relationship working well long term. Let's face it they are slim and in reality it is a rarity.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

RedRose14 said:


> I'm not sure whether you are being argumentative with me, or sarcastic, whether you think I am an idiot, I don't know. I am new to this forum thing and just working out the acronyms is hard enough for me. I'm not suggesting I am the font of all knowledge, I'm not super intelligent, I have a menial low paid job. I'm nothing special and I'm not trying to be.
> 
> I am simply expressing my opinion that in the instance that I mentioned I think polyamory was a bad thing for that woman. She clearly is vulnerable and the added stress and emotions involved in watching her H have a relationship with another woman and having a baby with her sent her over the edge .... in my opinion. You don't agree with me, that's fine. Maybe I am imagining sarcasm and superiority from you where there is none. It's difficult to tell from posts on a forum.


I was simply agreeing with you, and also pointing out that any kind of relationship may not have made a difference for this woman. It wasn't clear if you were trying to insinuate that poly is bad, or not, so I was just reiterating that monogamy wouldn't necessarily have been better. No sarcasm intended. As you say, it is hard to tell what attitudes may lie behind a post.


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## olwhatsisname (Dec 5, 2012)

Theseus said:


> Not endorsing this person's choices one way or the other, but I thought this was an interesting article. At the web site, it was followed by a huge number of comments as well:
> I'm Polyamorous And My Marriage Is In The Best Place It Has Ever Been
> 
> _A wonderful sex and love therapist once told me that there is a spectrum of monogamy to polyamory, from the most fidelity driven two-person couples to the individuals so dedicated to multiple partners that their personal lives ring of debauchery. Then there are those of us who fall somewhere in the middle, dedicated and committed yes, but also driven to love more than one.
> ...


 ___I'll bet your a stay at home mom with time on your hands. i ask you SAHM ???


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If two people want to have an open marriage and they are comfortable with their partner having multiple lovers then more power to them, but when you drag your new flavor of the month around your kids and say to them "Kids. This is your new Uncle Willy, and he's going to be hanging around for a while and if you see me hugging and kissing Uncle Willy just like I do with Daddy, have no fear, It's just Uncle Willy."

I think that is flat out stupid, and insane. I don't care if the husband doesn't mind the wife bringing home a bus load of guys and there is this weekend gang bang, keep you sex life away from your kids. Talk about piss poor parenting!


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

IMHO, it's just stupidity running wild. If my wife ever came home and told me she has feelings for a friend and wants to act on them, I would say she must choose either me or the friend. I will NEVER share my wife with another.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

No more long term relationships for me. However, if I want to share a woman, I'll just call an escort service and get a pro.


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