# Betrayed, despondent, don't know how to cope



## bus202 (Dec 16, 2012)

I don't know where to start.

married 31/2 years. a month before my wedding, my then fiance called me, wanted to to know if it was appropriate to visit his ex new home. she called him, wanted him to take a look. i told him it was inaapropriate since she still had feelings for him. according to him, he never wanted to marry her,never proposed and she knew this from the beginning.

I kept this at the back of my mind. i would ask him every now then if he was communicating with her, his answer was always " i haven't in a very long time". a year and a half into my marriage, my husband said oh by the way my ex sent me an email about this baby store, we need to check it out. i was surprised. i wondered when she came back into the picture. so i asked who contacted who first? he said she did. i decided to check for my self. that day about 28 messages were exchanged between them after i left for work, initiated by him. I discovered hundreds and hundreds of text messages dating a yr back. i was devasted. when i confronted him he got mightyly upset, told me to get out of the room. i checked his phone, all messages between them were deleted. but he had messages from everyone else. he later said, he was trying to get her a job, helping with her relationship issues and thought i wouldn't approve.

i told him to keep future correspondence between them. feb 14 2011 6 days after giving birth. i discovered 22 or so messages between them, when i asked to see the content he said the sim card crashed. miraculously, only the messages between them were deleted, everything dating to 6 months earlier were saved!
i had no option but to move on.

by may 2011 i formally told him to stop texting her because i wasn't comfortable with the relationship. he said he would. we change phone carriers so i could not check online anymore.

oct or nov 2011 i discovered that after my husband sign up for google number he sent it to me first and then sent it to her exactly 1 minute later. i was devasted. he said it meant nothing, he does not understand why im stressing over a person that means absolutely nothing to him.

dec 2011 im 9 months plus pregnant and despondent. i sent the ex a message on fb. i told her i discovered she and my husband have been exchanging hundreds of messages behind my back. i was respectful. she never replied. i told my husband what i did.he said why did you contact her? you don't know her!. he said he wasn't talking to her and that i needed to move on. i finally did. i decided to put everything behind me and take care of my two babies.

july 2012, i discovered my husband was texing his female coworker all day at work and night as late as 3am! i was upset and asked for a divorce. he said it was nothing, that his married friend was trying to get with her! the girl said the same thing too.

on thanksgiving day i discovered he was chating with an ex coworker out of state that he met. sending and receiving pictures and talking about sex! the girl said she would like to sleep with him for 30 days straight!

the above prompted me to look into his emails. there i discovered that he NEVER stopped talking to hs ex girlfriend. they even met! he said just 3 times and for lunch. how im i suppose to believe that. he insisted its nothing. nothing emotional or physical happen.

i told him to leave and be with his ex. he says no, wants me wants our family, it was just a friendship, nothing bad happen except the hiding it from me. I am so hurt, im hurt beyond words, how do i move on from this. i have two babies under 2. 

Im sorry about the long post. please forgive the grammatical errors.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

He is lying to you. There have been no consequences for his cheating during previous confrontations. The only way you can show him you mean business is to send him out and file for divorce if he refuses to come clean, quit cheating, and get into counseling immediately. If you stay, Keylogger and VAR to check in him. Otherwise, you will do just fine without him. Babysitters, counselors, friends will fill in the gaps. I'm sorry for what you're going through. He sounds like a liar and a serial cheater.


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## raging_pain (Dec 8, 2012)

bus, i feel so sorry for you. just know this: you are not alone, especially here. many people on TAM have dealt with what you're dealing with now. I myself have two small children and a wife that's been having an affair.

i am divorcing her. I suggest you seriously consider the same. for anything to happen, good or bad, you need to show your husband that you are SERIOUS. words won't do it any more. file the papers. divorce is a long process, and can be halted at any time. however serving him the divorce papers will prove that you are beyond simple words.

i understand how you feel. the kids are everything to you, and you can't understand how your husband would do something like this to your beautiful children. don't drive yourself crazy by wondering; take action.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

bus202 said:


> miraculously, only the messages between them were deleted, everything dating to 6 months earlier were saved!
> i had no option but to move on.


No, you also had the option to leave him, since he was obviously lying to you to cover up an affair because sim cards don't crash and delete only texts between 2 people. 

You have the option to leave him at any time and yet despite his obvious continued lies and cheating you throw out meaningless threats that you don't intend to keep such as "I want a divorce" and since he knows you aren't going anywhere he continues on with his various affairs and you're the only one suffering. 

Nothing will change unless you choose option D.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You have to be very strong now for your children. Your husband is a cheater. He's been doing this throughout your marriage, breaking your heart constantly. You need to take a stand for yourself. Tell him you're done with this, with his dishonesty, with his cheating and lack of respect for you. Tell him you're done and mean it.


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## bus202 (Dec 16, 2012)

I'm so hurt that i'm physically ill. After i discovered they were still talking, i sent a text to her. she responded by saying she's not messing around with him, they are just friends, he's been a wonderful friend,that he is a good husband and i would be the foolish one if i ruin my marriage because of them talking!

i don't know how she knows he's a good husband. I asked H if he ever called her, he said no, i asked so many times, the answer was the same, all he did was text in response to her calls. he threatened to put her on the phone so i could hear for myself once and for all. this time i said go ahead! she picked up the phone with " hey you". then proceed to say " is like your wife found out you've been calling me" i completely lost it and could not listen any further, i was moving my stuff out of the master bedroom. i was enraged.

i just wish i could catch him red handed. i wish i knew how to to do the phone spy stuff. ive been miserable in and out for the past two years


He said i'm trying to destroy my kids future by suggesting divorce, that i wasn't ready for marriage! all he needs is 1 more chance to make it better. i gave in for day, return back to being mad for 1 week, gave in again for a couple of days, now im back to being despondent. i just cannot believe that absolutely nothing was going on. Why why why did he continue after i told him to stop, after he promised he had stopped. can a man really destroy his family for nothing?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Your husband is the one who 'is not ready for marriage' even from the very first. 

It's very likely he has had sex with at least one of these women. Forget for a minute that he's been dishonest and disloyal to you. He has jeopardized your health if he has had intimate relations with any of them - which is very likely. 

It doesn't look good - especially his fake repentance. He'd like to keep you pregnant at home while he lives the life of a free-wheeling single guy - flirting and schmoozing with whoever he likes. 

Time to cancel his free-ride ticket.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Take a deep breath and gather some strength.

Then read some threads here about serial cheaters. Your husband sounds like he is one.

Then read about 'gaslighting.' This is what he is doing to you.

Then read about 'cake-eating.' This is what he does when he has you at home taking care of the babies and the house & he has his 'second wife' that he confides in outside of your little domestic circle (he's probably having a physical affair with her).

You need to do what you can to stop letting him rob you of your confidence and power. No matter how hard, you have to try to think clearly and rationally.

If you want to do some real checking for proof, you have to calm down as much as possible and get determined and systematic about it. If you do this, you need a plan to check his phone, computer, conversations in the car, etc.

If you simply want to call it quits with him, you can decide to do that now. He's treated you horribly.

What do you want to do?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Go see a lawyer and find out what the laws governing divorce are in your jurisdiction. Your husband needs a wakeup call. He needs to come to grips with who he is and what he stands for and what he values. 

A legal separation with a view to divorce may be the wakeup call he needs. Find out from your lawyer what his responsibilities and duties will be in a legal separation - that way he won't be able to scare you into staying with him. Take whatever financial documents you have available to your lawyer such as tax returns, bank statements etc. That way he won't be able to gaslight you about finances. 

Protect your kids and yourself. He may be shocked to find out his doormat just quit being a doormat.


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## hernadorico (Dec 14, 2012)

There have been no consequences for his cheating during previous confrontations.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Start with this thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/62292-i-just-can-t-regain-trust.html


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

A friend at work fell in love with someone she knew from childhood. They were best friends. They split up eventually, but still keep in touch, though both are now in other relationships.

How often do they keep in touch? Twice, maybe four times in a year. And that's it. Any more than that, lots of calls, hundreds of text messages? That's an affair.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

He is a very selfish person that will continue to play you until you put an end to this one way or another. 

1. Get a VAR and put it in his car. They are probably talking while he is at work as well, but at least you may be able to capture some information. 
2. Get an attorney and see what your legal option are for your state.
3. Consult with a polygraph examiner and make a test a condition to start reconciliation. 
4. Speak with marriage counselor about a plan for couples. Make sure you are comfortable with their philosophy before you agree to counselling. 
5. Keep interaction to a minimum until after the holidays. This will keep turmoil in the house to a minimum and allow you to accomplish the above items.
6. Concentrate efforts on children and yourself.
7. If the VAR is fruitful expose to family and friends.


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## bus202 (Dec 16, 2012)

@tdwal. i tried sending you a pm, wont go through.

After the big blowup, he told the ex not to contact him anymore. i wanted proof so he showed me the text. the text made me sick. " we cannot be friends anymore. lets end it here. please do not contact me and i will do same. this number will change in a week or so" she replied ok. 

What was he ending with a woman outside his marriage? when he still insist nothing was going on. its driving me nuts.


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

Sent you pm.
I've sent that same one to several people today.
Replace ”her” w ” him”
On my phone, copied and pasted. 

Get prepared. It tends to be worse than what WW let on
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bus202 (Dec 16, 2012)

Thank you very much.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

bus202 said:


> I just wish i could catch him red handed. i wish i knew how to to do the phone spy stuff.


Him and the other woman are lying to you repeatedly and you know it. 

If you caught him redhanded he'd still try to lie his way out of it and failing that, he'd say he would no longer do whatever it is you caught him doing. Then he'd keep doing it of course, but be more careful not to get caught.


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