# Looks like it might be my turn



## Kieran (Dec 17, 2011)

Hello Everyone. I have reached the point where I think I need to get the entire situation spelled out. This is more for my own clarity of thought and perhaps some guidance as I consider my next move.

My wife and I have been together for 13 years and married just over ten. For the first three years things went pretty well but while I was in school we started to drift apart. This was the typical less time spent together as I was busy working and going to school and she was working very long hours as well.

Unfortunately this got worse as time passed and even once my schooling was out of the equation, and she had a new job that required less time we still could not talk much and continued in that path.

During all of this sex dropped down to almost nil. And has never gotten to anything decent (these days its down to maybe once in a few months and we havnt touched since July).

About two and a half years ago things did start to change a bit as I started going through some counseling and training, and she started to talk to her ex boyfriend. Her ex is a recently retired sergeant from the military who was with her a couple years before we met and apparently there had been plans to marry if they had not fought and she had not been afraid of losing him on deployment.

Over the last two and half years they have slowly been talking more and more. According to what W has told me it was simple emails and occasional im chats until earlier this year when OM returned to one of the bases in Virginia. Since then they have started talking on the phone, and texting.

During this she had been fairly honest with me and had told me they were talking again. I had never really liked it, but didnt object too much. Probably a mistake on my part.

This summer I finally started to notice things as how little we were talking started to get to me and I tried to start communicating with her. In July I noted that she stopped saying "I love you" in every call when it used to be shed say it many times.

In August she got a got an opportunity to interview for a great new job and went to DC for it. This seemed like a great chance for her so I encouraged it. And she took the opportunity to meet with some family that she hadnt seen for years.

She got the job :smthumbup:but it meant that she had to go back to DC over labor day weekend to do some work and start learning the new job (she has not quit her old job yet as the new job is something akin to an internship until she finishes her degree). This trip was fishy from the start.

After the trip I learned the following items: 1) she left a day earlier than was stated to me (boarding pass for the flight noted a thursday flight instead of friday), and her flight went to Virgina instead of DC though she claims she caught a connecting flight up to DC. 2) I found pictures she had taken of a group of people swimming. On confrontation found out that it was of the OM and that he was in a scuba class. She claimed that he had sent her the pics. Then later confessed she had met him and taken the pics herself. 3) apparently she had spent the entirety of Sunday with him and these other people when she had told me she was working.

Following this a few weeks later she had another trip to DC but this time she drove there with a co-worker from the new job. Again I found out a bit later that yet another individual (E) had gone with who is W's coworker at her current job who apparently knows the OM and started to have a relationship with him. According to my wife the plan was that the two of them would be in DC and then E would continue down to Virgina to meet with OM.

I found out though that instead all three of them went to Virgina as apparently there is another office for her new job down there and that is where she was directed to be all three times. The little I know of that trip is that she went out with the girls at least one night, and apparently they wanted to have fun, went to a bar and flirted with marines (thats not a bad thing really in my view as it would help her esteem) and went to Lovers Lane where she bought a school girl outfit and some lotions... Also, I found out that she met with OM (he apparently showed up at her hotel) and they talked all night on Sunday night at a Denny's. At the time she claimed this was their first physical meeting. (obviously not as I found the pictures from the earlier trip after this). She did admit to meeting with him the following day when she came home.

Three weeks after that she went on another trip which was supposed to be a team building exercise with her current coworkers. Apparently OM showed up during this trip as well. She called me drunk on Saturday after he left. It is during this trip that she 'loaned' him money. Other than the drinking the only thing about this trip is that the hotel charge is not for the city she was supposed to be in but for a hotel that is actually near both of our offices.....which begs me to wonder if she actually went anywhere or just met him and was too ashamed to admit it since he only wanted money from her this time.

Because she felt used by him at this point due to the money she started looking into things and due to her job has access to texts that were sent between her coworker and him. Apparently they were badmouthing her a lot and had planned getting money from her. Apparently they think were rich or something though I have no idea where that idea comes from.

She got into a huge argument with him and basically it seemed like she 'chose' me at this point. (ya right). As part of all this there were apparently a lot of problems that came up at her job including harrassment by this person against my wife. This was finally resolved (mostly) last week as apparently E was fired and has now moved away near to where OM now lives.

Through November it seemed like we were working on things and getting better and we tried to communciate more but it was still tense. As part of fixing things I actually started texting with one of her CB, but found out that I may not be texting CB at all (if he exists). I found out that she has full access to the number that I was texting and could have been the source of all the responses and if so then she was manipulating me.

In the last couple weeks something still didnt seem right. Things might have been improving slightly but I really couldnt tell anymore. Plus it seemed that she was texting on her phone and ipad more than ever.

One night she left her ipad and phone out and I took a quick look. What i found has me even more concerned than ever. On these I found three separate text strings. 1) is the string i mentioned previously where I and CB are supposedly talking, 2) is her and OM. this is mostly benign as it really is only after their fight and they havnt talked much since then. Though it seems like she has indicatd that her feelings are on a shelf and she is waiting for him to come get them. 3) Texts (sometiems of a sexual nature) between a friend of hers (C) and OM. C lost her husband recently and the two have been getting close. Why W has access to these is not clear to me though again it would seem that W may be the source of these texts and not her friend.

Further what the texts reveal is that the OM may not know much about me or what he does know is mostly lies. He thinks that I am the ex, that W may be pregnant (and possibly thinks its his which would indicate that they have had a pa and not just an ea), and that I am living elsewhere with a younger, cuter girlfriend while W is living alone with the cats and a new pet dog. And that her friend (that he is getting close to) tends to come over to the house quite a bit.

Essentially C is lying to OM and telling him that W is doing a lot of things that are both true and a lie at the same time. For instance last Saturday we went to my grandmothers 99th birthday party. But C told OM that she and W went to wisconsin on a shopping trip. Wisconsin is true though C was nowheres on that day and I have never met her. Considering the timing it seems rather apparent that W is the one texting as C. So....this would indicate that she is having an affair with him but that she is pretendign to be someone else who may not even exist.

Recently she got a response on an application for a masters program at a pretty good school. However, this school is near where OM currently lives. She needed though to go to the school for an interview in order to get in the program. She left yesterday for this trip and told me that OM does not know she will be down there. According to her OM will be up here with C this weekend. Also she is supposed to be taking one of her friends whom I have met.

Earlier this week I checked the texts again and found that its lies. He knows that she will be down there and is plannign to meet with her tomorrow after the interviews possibly drinking. According to the texts with C, OM is not planning to do anything (but I wouldnt put it past him at this point). Also, before she left I checked her suitcase and foudn that school girl outfit in it. 

So while she is telling me that it was all a mistake and that she wants to be with me. It would seem that its all a bunch of lies. 

My issue will be how to confront her. As since my evidence really just comes from the texts I cant really use thsoe as evidence as she will just come back with the issue of her privacy and start yelling at me in defense. I know its not a valid defence but its what she will use. 

Im probably just going to have to give her the choice of cutting him out of her life completely or of us splitting. We did discuss this the other week and she responded that she would do it if I forced the issue but that she had a condition of me never askign her to ever do that kind of thing again.

So here I am. still thinking I need to get something more concrete so I can just finish this but pretty much I think i will need to follow the divorce path. Im tired of the lies and dont think I can take them much more.

Sorry this has been so long everyone. funny thing is that its not even everything yet. Cause I didnt even touch on the money stuff (she suddenly took full access of her paycheck again the other month, and these trips have caused us to get behind in bills. shes messing up our finances), or other details that I cant remember at the moment.

Thanks for listening everyone.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

First and for most you need to make a concrete dicision on your marriage. The best thing right now is commit to a divorce. You can always retract later but its the best way right now to protect your immediate future.

Protect your money, close all joint acounts

Keep this all on the down low...never ever reveal your hand, hold your cards close it is for your own protection.

After talking to a lawyer you will have a better idea were things are going to go and can make some informative dicisions.

So, now that you have protected your self you can readdress the marriage.

Gather all the evendence you can...info on OM is important you may want to report his adultory to his command. Hard eveidence will help you from looking like the bad guy to both your families. especially when its time to expose the affiar.

#1 rule is never beg or cry to her. Begging for the marriage will only empower your WW.

There is alot to this infidelity crap so educate your self right now.

She has already stepped out of the marriage, damage control with regard to preventing her cheating has past, but damage control for your self is still very much alive b/c she still believe she has you fooled, keep it that way while you protect your self.

Confrontation can come once you have all your ducks in a row...this part is important. 

Once you are protect finacialy then you can confront and if you choose, and I recommend is to make this affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible. By taking this next step it will give her a dose of reality that may bring her out of the fantasyland she is now in. Again there is alot to fighting an affair, but 1st you have to protect your self and just let her go for now.

STD test my not be an issue but I suggest you get checked out in doing this you can ask the doctor for some meds to help you sleep while your there.

Go workout and eat you will need your strength for the battle that is coming your way, its going to be a long winter.


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## Kieran (Dec 17, 2011)

the guy said:


> #1 rule is never beg or cry to her. begging for the marriage will only empower yout WW.


That is defintely something I learned recently. Im too nice of a guy, but I'm learning to be less so so she doesnt walk over me. Ive been too lax for too long.

Lawyer will be happening soon since I have extra free time due to the holidays the next two weeks and the joint accounts are already taken care of except for one used to transfer from her paycheck to me to pay bills...(when she doesnt overspend her funds first as she did this week).

Sadly I cant do anything about OM, except perhaps tell him what I know, as he retired from the army in October (the weekend after one of her trips).

Thank you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Just divorce her and cut her completely out of your future. Wow, she is selfish , manipulative, and incredibly deceitful. Is she able to not lie to anyone,

Btw, common it's clear she is having an extensive PA here. Why have you not fled already? What are you waitng for, her to have his kid?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kieran (Dec 17, 2011)

I really dont know why I havnt divorced her yet. Im not sure what I was waiting for earlier. The only thing I can think of is that I wanted to take care of a few financial things first....but thats becoming harder not easier.
Itll happen soon though I think.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Be careful in exposing to OM, there is a time for that. Often it works best before you expose to your wife. The reason for this is it will prevent them from getting there stories straight. In addition your wife most likely will get pushed away even further...if that matters.

When you do confront OM make it clear that you are still very much married and until you found the evidence you though it was a good marriage. Inform OM you are are calling to set the record straight and according to the information you have that the OM is also being decieved ....never reveal your sources even to the OM.

Find out if the OM has a Gf or Wife. This will help your cause later down the road. 

Do not let your emotion get the better of you, right now you need to plan for either an exsit or plan in fighting the affair.

This may all seem useless b/c of a divorce, but if you play your cards right you may get some of those unanswered questions that your STBXW will never admit to.

Many will disagree with this type of covert operation but its my experience that by going stealth you will find out what is really going on, who was the aggressor and for how long and other info that will help you pull the trigger in filing.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You may want to think about contacting the OM and informing him who you are. You indicated that she may have lied to him regarding her marital status in order to pursue an affair with him and if this is true then he's been operating under erroneous assumptions. If you choose to contact him, inform him you are in the process of divorcing her because you have lost all trust in her and to wish him luck with her because he's going to need it.


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## Kieran (Dec 17, 2011)

I'm already in some stealth mode and have been working to get more information as I go.
Right now I do see this more as time for an exit though the emotions are making it hard. One minute I can envision myself free of this mess and see how my life can be made better as I take the following year off to work on myself. But on the other hand I keep thinking about all the problems that it will cause too financially, mostly concerning the disposition of the house and debts.

As far as the OM goes I will likely be contacting him soon. Not too long ago I actually made that suggestion to W that I would be doing so as she had indicated she wanted us to be friends eventually. (laughing now) But when I suggested it she actually got mad and said if I did she would walk out. I wasnt planning to at that moment so it didnt matter, but now I really dont care if she walks out when I let him know what I know. Question will be how to go about it. Email, phone call or whatever. Right now I think what he knows about me is all erroneous and that im a complete bastard. So even email or writing may just be ignored, but I could say I tried.

Plus I need to consider whether to confront her when she comes home on Monday about the school girl skirt in her suitcase, if its still there.


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