# Considering divorce or seperation.



## chunt (Feb 15, 2012)

So, I posted on here a while ago about myself and husband. The friend he made, was the only friend he made, so at least theres that which feels like a red flag. 

About us:

I am an active duty military member. I do a great deal of desk work and really love hiking, running, exercise centered activities for fun along with some handcrafts like knitting. I enjoy cooking and domestic things as well. 

My husband is previous active duty -- now disabled veteran.. But here's the thing with that, he is going to college and has been doing normal daily activities with no help so I dont really think he has the issues the VA thinks he does. When he is not at college he just sits on the couch all day, manipulates the TV with nonstop japanese cartoons (he is 30...) and/or videogames (he is 30). 

If I voice any type of difference in opinion to this he often flies off the handle. 

The issues:

We have had a myriad of problems over the years we have been married but have also had some good times, but the bad are overshadowing them. Recently he has been on a tangent that he can do anything, not only do anything, but do anything better than the professionals that do those things for a living. We had an argument about he wanted to buy a new (used) car. 

He has a car that he drives that was mine before marriage, and only drives to the college and drives the newer car we have long distances--so I told him if he does that then I want to sell my car. Whoo he flew off the handle and it lasted for 3 whole days, all because he said he wants to build an engine for said car--he does not have the equipment or training to do this type of thing. So slamming doors and cussing me out for the entire weekend I was home ensued. Followed by moping. I told him that if he has enough time and energy to do that then maybe he should volunteer in the community or get a part time job to make some friends and do something like that with them.

Very concerned I found out that he was on anti psychotic drugs before we were married--this explained alot because any time we have a big disagreement this type of thing happens. 

It is a few weeks later and the moping has not ended. I told him we needed to go to therapy, and he manipulated the first session by shouting at me the entire time, that weekend we went to the Renaissance fair here and he was the ultimate sourpuss the entire time. I wanted to stop and check out the jousters the dialogue went to he thinks anyone can do anything there and he can do anything better. I told him theres nothing wrong with admiring things that are hard to do and relax and enjoy yourself. Well, we were only there for a total of 2 hours before I decided this was unbearable for me. Then we went back to therapy again the next week and he was mute the entire time. The therapist said he only thought one more session was necessary with us.

Considering I went to this same therapist last year when husband refused to go I feel very differently. The therapist also empathized with him that his life is hard, he wakes up at 8 am and goes to art classes 4 days a week 2 miles away from our house! I am up at 4AM for work 5 days a week, and work. What in God's green earth is this?! 

I am very upset and frustrated. I told him that maybe he should see the VA mental health people and go back on those medications if they helped, but that falls on deaf ears here.

I feel that I am really better off alone, and I, for my safety have no idea how to go forward since there is violent actions and language most times I simply disagree with the man.

we dont have any children, after 4 years of marriage he told me he does not want any. He also lied to me about his religion. That is another bad thing, he also told me I should support him in anything he wants to do healthy, legal or not because I am his wife. I disagree. I think if he does have a personality disorder these medications he was on than maybe he should not have stopped taking them on his own, and should start taking them again. And should not have hid that when we got married -- he said they were for 'sleeping'. If he does this I am willing to stay in the marriage but if not I am not.

I am worried how to go about this for my safety and our pets safety. 

During the last episode I telephoned the crisis line and they said they could do absolutely nothing NOTHING unless he was threatening to kill me or himself.  I really love him and care and our relationship has been more trying than it has been peaceful.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Yikes... Ultimately I think you need to get him back into counseling or to see a psychiatrist about his medications and other concerns.

Bottom line, if he is completely unwilling to consider any changes at all, then it's not right for you to have to put up with it forever. That's when I'd sit him down and explain that you are at the end of your rope, and that if he is really unwilling to consider any changes, then you want the divorce. As a last ditch effort, that might make him wake up and realize that this is really serious and you aren't just bluffing.


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## chunt (Feb 15, 2012)

We are seeing a marriage counselor now to try to work though all of this, honestly I am hopeful. 
Given the track record, I do not see this going very well. 

I am very close with my family, they are also pushing me closer to divorce than to stay with him because it is a very unfair dynamic that I am in. I think that we should be at least 50/50 and it is not that way at all. And that with the for worse there should be some for better.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

See how the MC goes first before making any decisions.
It sounds like he should be on his meds and getting some IC too.
Tell him if he doesn't put in the effort and resolve the issues needing to be resolved then you have to choice but to D.
He comes accross from what you have written as having a sense of entitlement?


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## chunt (Feb 15, 2012)

A tad entitled. We try to have some good financial discussions about the long term goals like buying a home and retirement. The dots dont seem to connect when considering saving to thing being saved for.
Its really hard for me to deal with that because any money I have had I earned. 

I hope the MC reccomends him to get some IC, especially because its free.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Retired Army here. Being in the military is hard enough with a good spouse. Yours is far from that. Do you plan on making it a career?

It sounds like he never really grew up. 

You are not compatible in several areas.

My recommendation would be to leave him behind.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

This sounds like a tough situation honestly. First off, it was wrong of him to hide his faults from you before you two got married. He could have stayed on the anti-psych drugs and just told you straight up that he had to take these for reasons a,b or c and that he is fine and will continue to take them...you know. Honestly does go a long way. I really do not think he should have stopped taking them, and I don't think he has done a lot of growing up over the years either. I am not against video games or anything, but ignoring the responsibilities and gaming all day is a tad bit too much. Kind of rude of him too to ask for things like a freaking car when he knows damn well you would be the one to pay for it. I would continue on with the counseling but if it gets to be too much then maybe divorce is the better route. If you feel like you are better off by yourself then you may very well be and who knows, someone more on your maturity level (which is great, btw) would come around and compliment you better. He can find someone else to mooch on. I gave this website to another poster earlier but I feel like it can help you too. There are free divorce forms online and I know the military usually deals with JAG but I think they help active duty military too. Hope it helps! Free Divorce and Free Divorce Papers - all 50 States - Document Do It Yourself Service


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## chunt (Feb 15, 2012)

It is just a tough and bad situation all around. Today he has been endlessley searching for a sport-type car that I totally do not understand the need for at all. 

Farsidejunky I do plan on making it a career, I love what I do for work. 
I just feel overwhelmed and like this is a terrible situation for me to be in. I am vehemently against him wanting to buy a new car, he goes maybe ten miles total in a week. I keep asking why he needs this and get different answers each time. My old civic he drives should be just fine for where he needs to go and what he needs to do. He says its a highschool kid car, its crappy, etc etc etc. It's clean and has always been taken great care of and is free of dents and scratches etc etc. 
It hasn't ever left anyone stranded and everything in it works. I drive the newer car because I need to go about 200 miles a week for work commuting in terrible traffic. He hates the newer car and outright refuses to drive it. (its a jetta that I picked because of fuel economy and safety, I'm 28 years old and dont need to be going 100mph with the top down on anything)
Then he says he wants a new car because its fast. Or because he wants to build one, or yada yada bs bs. 

I wouldnt care if I wasnt the one who would end up paying for it. I want to separate our finances but thats a WHOLE other thing to tackle. I think if I did that he would just mess up his own finances instead of the whole household's. Anyone ever successfully seperate their finances anyway?


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## chunt (Feb 15, 2012)

UPDATE:

I am really thinking that possibly my husband could have bipolar or some type of disorder with some of these fleeting obsessions. Today, he went with his only friend to san francisco and then called me with about 10-20 minutes notice that they would be taking a 6 hour away roadtrip. He also notified me that he may be taking money out of our savings to facilitate this. I have read many a horror story from healthy spouses whose loved ones do these types of things. Last night, even using the word night is a stretch, I came home from dinner with my girlfriends to a husband on shot 9 or so of vodka blasting music. I got home at 8pm. /i really do not understand this erratic behavior.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

It's impossible to have a healthy relationship with a dysfunctional person.

And your husband is dysfunctional, based on the behavior you described.

Please don't bring children into this environment.

What is it about you that permits you to tolerate a relationship like this?


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## chunt (Feb 15, 2012)

I feel like I permitted myself to be in this relationship for this long because of moving around after initially getting in the military. I have not been in any location long enough until now. We have been trying marriage counseling to work on things. I told him that I wanted to separate the finances last night and he verbally abused and berated and belittled me and my profession for hours. I was accused of cheating and accused of hating him. I told him we should sleep in seperate rooms to give each other space and he refused. This is just so stressful!


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

chunt said:


> I feel like I permitted myself to be in this relationship for this long because of moving around after initially getting in the military. I have not been in any location long enough until now. We have been trying marriage counseling to work on things. I told him that I wanted to separate the finances last night and he verbally abused and berated and belittled me and my profession for hours. I was accused of cheating and accused of hating him. I told him we should sleep in seperate rooms to give each other space and he refused. This is just so stressful!


You should absolutely separate your finances. I would start by making personal accounts for yourself and then transferring the money you need into them and leaving him some in the joint he can use, without touching yours. Then change direct deposit into the new account so he won't have anything new to use and will need to ask you if he needs something. It's sad to do that but if he can't be responsible with money then I wouldn't let him ruin the household finances. He has already started to emotionally abuse you. If you have to, call your JAG office and see what you can do legally and get him out of your house, or go back to the barracks, and think about if you want this relationship to continue or not.


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