# Married too quick and still in love with my ex



## jbh87 (Mar 4, 2013)

Not really sure where to start. I have been married to my husband for only 6 months. We've only been together a year total. I know we moved way too fast. And although I do truly love him the main reason we got married was because he needed insurance and we couldn't afford it without going through my place of employment. 

I know that was screw up number 1. We shouldn't have gotten married but what's done is done. We've not been without our issues. He can't seem to hold a job and has brought me down quite a bit financially. I was doing well before we got together and now we're barely getting by. He's working part time currently but not bringing in much at all. And he's only been with the job for a month so I'm not sure that something won't happen and he'll suddenly "lose the job" once he gets tired of it. Besides that he's been wonderful, not perfect but he treats me great and I know he really truly loves me. Which makes all of this even harder on me knowing that. I've very often regretted getting and being married.

I can attribute it mostly to lingering feelings about my ex. My ex and I were together for almost 8 years and hadn't been broken up for very long when me and my husband got together. I've kinda always felt like if soulmates exist he's definitely mine. But it was a very difficult relationship. He cheated on me multiple times. I've known for a long time the best thing to do would be to walk away from that which is what I tried to do in all the wrong ways. 

Now I'm hearing from mutual friends that he's doing a lot better with the girl he's been with the past year. That he treated her better and never cheated on her and they've recently broken up. So like an idiot we've started communicating again and of course all the feelings are still there. 

Physically I could never cheat on my husband but I've realized emotionally I'm already there. I don't want to hurt him but I feel like I need to get out of this marriage now before I destroy it. I don't even necessarily think I'll go back to my ex though I won't deny that it very well could happen later on. I just feel stuck. I feel like no matter what I do I'm going to crush my husband unless I just pretend I'm happy, which is something I'm very good at until it breaks me down. I also feel guilty because if I do leave my husband I'll basically be kicking him out with nowhere to go. He doesn't have any decent family to live with and he's not making enough to support himself right now. I really am beginning to hate myself for all the conflicting feelings and thoughts. I'm 25 years old, which I know is still pretty young, but I feel more now like a hormonal teenager than I did when I actually was one. I'm completely lost. The what-if's really get to me. What if my ex and me really could reconcile things? What if my husband continues to not hold a job if we stay together? What if by leaving my husband I'm throwing away something great? What if my husband continues to not hold a job if we stay together? What if by leaving him he turns back to drugs? (He is a reformed drug addict that's been clean for almost 2 years now.)

Maybe some outside perspective can help me clear things up a little. I know the decisions and choices are mine but I just feel like I need a little guidance right now to make it through this.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

From an outside perspective, I'm thinking annullment.

You've made bad mistakes.

Cut your losses, don't perpetuate them.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Well I can only give my advice so take it with a grain of salt. First thing you need to do is cut off contact with the ex. Period. No phone calls, text, email, checking up on him through mutual friends, etc. You're married. Whether you rushed it or not, that's where you are.

You need to seriously communicate with your husband about the issues you're having in your marriage and his lack of a decent job. If he loves you and treats you as great as you claim he should be willing to listen to how you're feeling. 

Most married individuals have an ex somewhere in the background (and honestly yours doesn't sound like he was all that great anyway being a serial cheater. Why do you want to reconcile with a serial cheater over a husband who treats you right?), and may even have residual feelings for them. That's why when many people do get married or even start new relationships they cut those people out of their lives as much as they can.

Is your husband educated? Does he have career prospects? What was he earning/doing when you met? Is he someone who has never held a decent paying job or is he simply down on his luck?


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## jbh87 (Mar 4, 2013)

totamm said:


> From an outside perspective, I'm thinking annullment.
> 
> You've made bad mistakes.
> 
> Cut your losses, don't perpetuate them.


I live in the state of Texas and from what I've been told it's not easy to get an annullment.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It sounds as if your husband was pretty much a rebound relationship and you jumped far too quickly into marriage. And are still longing for your ex.

Now you need to decide, preferably sooner rather than later, if you want your husband or your ex. By the way, just because your ex treated his latest GF well doesn't mean he would treat you well now. Something to consider.

You are very young and have your entire life ahead of you.


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## jbh87 (Mar 4, 2013)

Jasel said:


> Well I can only give my advice so take it with a grain of salt. First thing you need to do is cut off contact with the ex. Period. No phone calls, text, email, checking up on him through mutual friends, etc. You're married. Whether you rushed it or not, that's where you are.
> 
> You need to seriously communicate with your husband about the issues you're having in your marriage and his lack of a decent job. If he loves you and treats you as great as you claim he should be willing to listen to how you're feeling.
> 
> ...


He's held jobs before but nothing much. He wasn't working when I met him but I believed it to be because he'd just moved back to town. More than one person has mentioned since we've been together that it looks like he's using me as a support system instead of having to support himself. We've talked and fought about the issue quite a few times. He seems to improve for a little while. He'll bust his butt to find a job for awhile then if he finds one he seems to be okay. But after a month or two something will happen and he'll lose his job. He always claims it's beyond his control. After the first couple of times that happens though one starts to have their doubts. Again he's got a job currently, for about a month now. I accidentally came across a message he left up on the computer the other day where he talked to his boss and told him he was sick. He had previously told me that he had off that day. So he's already called in for no reason and then proceeded to lie to me about it. I haven't confronted him about it yet because I'm honestly just trying to avoid the fight I know it will bring.

There's a lot of baggage with my ex. A lot of mutual friends. I mean, 8 years ago I was in high school and all of the friends we have made in our adult lives were together. Without flat out leaving town there's really no way to get away from him. I live in a very small town and we run into mutual friends and each other a lot. And at the same time... I don't want to cut him out of my life. I love him dearly. My husband knew when we got together that I wanted to remain friends with him and that I'd always care for him. He didn't/doesn't have an issue with that. Of course he'd have an issue with the rest of it if he knew.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

jbh87 said:


> He's held jobs before but nothing much. He wasn't working when I met him but I believed it to be because he'd just moved back to town. More than one person has mentioned since we've been together that it looks like he's using me as a support system instead of having to support himself. We've talked and fought about the issue quite a few times. He seems to improve for a little while. He'll bust his butt to find a job for awhile then if he finds one he seems to be okay. But after a month or two something will happen and he'll lose his job. He always claims it's beyond his control. After the first couple of times that happens though one starts to have their doubts. Again he's got a job currently, for about a month now. I accidentally came across a message he left up on the computer the other day where he talked to his boss and told him he was sick. He had previously told me that he had off that day. So he's already called in for no reason and then proceeded to lie to me about it. I haven't confronted him about it yet because I'm honestly just trying to avoid the fight I know it will bring.
> 
> There's a lot of baggage with my ex. A lot of mutual friends. I mean, 8 years ago I was in high school and all of the friends we have made in our adult lives were together. Without flat out leaving town there's really no way to get away from him. I live in a very small town and we run into mutual friends and each other a lot. And at the same time... I don't want to cut him out of my life. I love him dearly. My husband knew when we got together that I wanted to remain friends with him and that I'd always care for him. He didn't/doesn't have an issue with that. Of course he'd have an issue with the rest of it if he knew.


Ahh okay. Thanks for clarifying. Now I'm starting to lean towards divorce.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

1. Cut off contact with the ex. Tell him you are married and your relationship is hurtful.

2. Tell your husband how you feel.

3. You think your ex is your soul mate, but if he felt the same way about you, would he have cheated on you.

4. I'm glad you realize how messed up you sound.

5. Would you want to stay married to someone who DIDN'T want to be married to you?

6. Would you want to be cheated on, discover it, and then be told that the other person didn't want to be married to you and made a big mistake in doing so?

7. So tell your husband about your emotional affair. If you want out, tell him so. Get rid of your ex at least until your current situation is resolved. Tell your husband that you want out, not because of ex, because you've broken it off with ex for the time being.

8. If you are other man's soulmate, he will wait. But you know it looks like that's a one-way street, even if he is telling you all the right things presently.


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## jbh87 (Mar 4, 2013)

Openminded said:


> It sounds as if your husband was pretty much a rebound relationship and you jumped far too quickly into marriage. And are still longing for your ex.
> 
> Now you need to decide, preferably sooner rather than later, if you want your husband or your ex. By the way, just because your ex treated his latest GF well doesn't mean he would treat you well now. Something to consider.
> 
> You are very young and have your entire life ahead of you.


I agree very much so. I know my husband was a rebound relationship. We'd actually talked about that at one point and it seemed like even though it was the case it would work out okay. Hell my ex of 8 years had been a rebound as well. (Obviously I have some issues with being single.)

And in all honestly I think that is the main reason I haven't gone ahead and told my husband about all this. From what I've seen my ex has truly changed. We've talked about it a lot and he's even started seeing a therapist. But in the back of my head I know it's a very real possibility that if we did get together it could go right back to the way it was. I think that hesitation is the only real thing holding me back from ending the marriage. That and I just feel incredibly guilty and the last thing I want to do is hurt my husband.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Is your husband go to drug support meetings?
Have you asked him why he can't hold a job.?

You need to support him, but also make it clear you need 
financial stability meaning hold down a job.

If hes not making money it might be killing your desire
for him.

You spent all those years with your ex and you really
believe he has changed and can be faithful.

Do you have his fantasy of how you want your ex to be?


Unless your ex has changed,nothing will,same old.

Just some things to think about.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You dont want to hurt your husband, but you already are by the relationship with and feelings for your ex.

I have known several people who cant hold jobs the same way as your husband, and they never change.


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## jbh87 (Mar 4, 2013)

nevergveup said:


> Is your husband go to drug support meetings?
> Have you asked him why he can't hold a job.?
> 
> You need to support him, but also make it clear you need
> ...


He is not going to meetings. He is on probation for a charge from before we got together so he sees his PO monthly but that's it.

I've made the job situation about as clear as I can without walking away. When I ask him about it he always says he can hold a job and refers to his jobs from before we were together. He always just goes back to saying it wasn't his fault he was fired.



As far as my ex. I suppose I do have that fantasy but it's not just that. I mean I've talked to him about things but I wouldn't necessarily have believed he's changed if I did have other people telling me about how much better he's been. 



Will_Kane said:


> 3. You think your ex is your soul mate, but if he felt the same way about you, would he have cheated on you.


 He's got issues that he's known about for a long time. I don't really know what to call it. But he knows and acknowledges them and is seeking treatment for it. Which is a huge step. I do think he feels the same. The reason we broke up was because he knew he needed to change and that he was hurting me. From what I've been told from others this past year we've been apart that his feelings have never changed about me. I know there are some things you can't know for sure but I do know that he loves me and always has.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Sounds like your husband was just "the rebound guy" to you. Yes you rushed into getting maried and you married him for the wrong reasons. You say the main reason was to help him with insurance, so you should have discussed with him that you get married just to help him out but you don't feel ready for a real marriage. That would have been the right thing to do.

But now you're here. You have a husband who loves you and treats you great. And you have an ex who constantly cheated on you and treated you like sht. The fact that your ex treats his new gf better and doesn't cheat on her shows that he loves her as he hasn't loved you. Is this a man who is worth giving up your marriage for ? What would happen if you got back with him? My guess : he would cheat on you again. I had such an ex for 7-8 years too...on and off, cheating, scandals, love & hate...so I know.

So, cut him off and turn your atention toward your husband. See his love for you, his qualities, and try to love him. Resort to marriage counselling as well if you think it may help. Do things together, spend quality time, try to sparkle up romantic feelings for him. If you can't and you can't love him, set the poor guy free. He's not a puppy, or a raincoat, he is human being and has feelings. He can feel that you don't love him, and he suffers. Let him find someone else who can love him the way you loved your ex, and have some time alone. Allow yourself to grow and heal before starting a serious relationship again.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

jbh87 said:


> Not really sure where to start. I have been married to my husband for only 6 months. We've only been together a year total. I know we moved way too fast. And although I do truly love him the main reason we got married was because he needed insurance and we couldn't afford it without going through my place of employment.
> 
> I know that was screw up number 1. We shouldn't have gotten married but what's done is done. We've not been without our issues. He can't seem to hold a job and has brought me down quite a bit financially. I was doing well before we got together and now we're barely getting by. He's working part time currently but not bringing in much at all. And he's only been with the job for a month so I'm not sure that something won't happen and he'll suddenly "lose the job" once he gets tired of it.
> 
> I also feel guilty because if I do leave my husband I'll basically be kicking him out with nowhere to go. He doesn't have any decent family to live with and he's not making enough to support himself right now. I really am beginning to hate myself for all the conflicting feelings and thoughts. I'm 25 years old, which I know is still pretty young, but I feel more now like a hormonal teenager than I did when I actually was one. I'm completely lost. The what-if's really get to me. What if my ex and me really could reconcile things? What if my husband continues to not hold a job if we stay together? What if by leaving my husband I'm throwing away something great? What if my husband continues to not hold a job if we stay together? What if by leaving him he turns back to drugs? (He is a reformed drug addict that's been clean for almost 2 years now.)


I only marked some issues that should not be in an early stage of marriage....

So it is really a no brainer: Divorce him.

But because you love him: keep dating him. Once a week, so you can have a normal start of a relation. He has to learn to take care of himself.

Keep Giving him an allowance you spend now on him by sending him a cheque. Do not pay his bills! 

But have no sex with him for six months. Or with anybody else. Live like a nun for some time to find out who you really are. Maybe live in a community that facilitates that.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Have you ever heard the saying "Choose the one you love, and Love the one you chose"? 

Yes, you moved way too fast. Perhaps you are re-writing your love story with your husband now that the Ex is back in the picture. If we asked your husband why you married would his response be "because of insurance"? I sincerely hope not.

You are being terribly unfair to your husband. You freely chose to marry him, it's time to grow up and fix your marriage. 

There's a reason for Ex's being Ex's...it didn't work out ....he's a serial cheater. Yeah, yeah maybe he's changed. Too late for you, end the emotional affair with him NOW. He probably wants to prove he can get you back (for his ego) ....then he will cheat on you again. Happens time and again.


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