# How do you forgive and move on?



## brokenandlost (Mar 24, 2011)

Here is a little background on my situation. My H and I have been married for 7 years and have 2 children together. We have been in couseling since January and I thought things were going well (not perfect but alot better). We were separating prior to the counseling and we thought we would give it a shot and see if it would help. Then my world came crashing down on me when I came home from work. My H met me at the door and said he needed to tell me something. Right there my heart sunk and I already knew something was wrong. He told me that he invited a friend from work over while I was at work. Well the story he told me was that she came onto him when they were saying goodbye. She kissed him and then proceeded to move from there. I don't know how he could do this to me after everything that we have been through. Then I found out that he was Sexting her on his cell phone. I found out all of this because I am the crazy wife who contacted the girl via text. She told me everything that has happened. There was only the one time that things happened but they happened in our house while I was working and our children were sleeping upstairs. He says that they were just going to "hang out". He claims that he didn't want her and that there are no feelings. I am so lost, broken and unsure of what to do. I want to move on from this and stay a family, but I don't know if things will ever be the same. How can I forgive and forget this and move on...or can't I? Anyone have any suggestions or words of encouragement?...I would greatly appreciate them...Thanks


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## gasunrise (Jan 13, 2011)

brokenandlost said:


> .... I want to move on from this and stay a family, but I don't know if things will ever be the same. How can I forgive and forget this and move on...or can't I? Anyone have any suggestions or words of encouragement?...I would greatly appreciate them...Thanks


1. Things will never be the same as they were before, your life has changed, flow with it rather than try to muscle it back into some other place. If what you want is your family then make that decision but changes have to be made on both sides. 

2. You can forgive but forget is another story, that takes time and rushing it doesn't work. Once again you have to make a decision if this is what you want to consume your every waking moment. It will for a while, can't be helped, but based on your decision that time can be lowered. 

Follow the sage advice of the wonderful people here, some of it may sound harsh and hard but most of it comes from members of the "been there, done that" club. 

Bless your heart, everyday find a reason to smile, everyday.


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## brokenandlost (Mar 24, 2011)

Thank you! The last sentence touched my heart! God bless you also...and I am trying to smile through all of this.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

I would start by reading a bunch of posts here. 

This is a long process that you dont really just "move on" from. If it isnt dealt with fully, then it festers and becomes infected.

Good attitude though. Use that to get through the process.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

well B&lost:

based on what u wrote, yer H is dum-dumb numbskull or
is quite the con, and if u buy into his jive, u r the same
or in too desperate a position to be in.

i think u need to seize the upper hand of control w/in reason
that is, so that he may PROVE himself to u, o/wise it'll be 
another sad story we often see here.....once a cheater always
a cheater.

a good counselor can help u figure this part out.

i think if i found out from my W she bonked somebody else
and wanted forgiveness for it, i'd do so with the conditions
of transparency, full disclosure, counseling to expose weak
areas for us to be concerned about as a couple, passwords
to puters cell phones, etc etc.

also, her behaviors would have to be way improved for a long
period of time; yrs not mnths.

i'd suggest the same for u.

shalom yededeed.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

HI Broken&Lost, I'm new here and with my own set of issues however by reading your post this is what keeps coming to my mind. You seem to be the one trying to make things work. You are the one that wants the marriage. You said you were in counseling and you thought things were better and then he did this. If he were trying that wouldn't have happened after the fact. And at your home with your children their. Wow the amount of disrespect on that one alone. This is what I want to say to you because I had to understand it myself and that it takes two to make a marriage wk. Your worth so so very much more than that. If you want to be their that is more than fine just make sure thats where he also wants to be and that you see a hell of alot more effort, change and respect placed into it. Don't just take his word for it. You tried that and it was met with your H having an A in your home.

Bless you and good look.


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## HungUp (Feb 26, 2011)

It sounds like he has been happy to continue hiding the real truths, and like my own situation you have only found out as much as you have due to your own investigations?

I think this (and other thoughts) possibly contributes to how I can't forgive either or move on. I wonder if I felt my wife had just let it all go because she actually wanted to make things better with me then I maybe would now be able to believe in her and forgive? My wife only confessed because I guess she expected I was going to find out anyway so it would be better coming from her as she could tell me what she wanted me to know - NOT the whole truth.

It is all extremely confusing.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

How? I don't know. No one can teach you how to feel. Things will never ever be the way they were before. That's just fact.


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## redrainbows (Mar 15, 2011)

Hi i am relatively new here too.
My husband of almost 40 years had an affair last year which had been going on for almost a year and like an idiot i never saw it coming at all.

I found out with messages on his phone as he had been acting odd for months but never expected this.

However you have to decide if you want to stay together first and that will take along time as you will no doubt be experiencing every emotion under the sun right now.
You need think of yourself right now and the children and be kind to yourself.

Your marriage if you do decide to stay in the relationshipe WILL NEVER be the same again. It can't ever be.
You have to start a new relationship and keep talking and asking as many questions as you are the one he had done wrong by and have nothing to be ashamed off here.

I am now 9 months down the line since the affair and took him back and although forgiven him i will never ever forget as you can't ever do that.

Somedays a wave will wash over me from nowhere and its as if it happened only yesterday and i sit crying again. I always tell my husband when this happens as he knows it will take a long time to trust again. Then sometimes i can go for days, weeks and not think about it alot but its always there in the background.

However it will fade in time and i can tell you now we are a completely different couple and talk to each other about everything and are so very close in so many ways we weren't before.

I wish you luck and as they say "time is a great healer".
Take each day as it comes and don't look to the future at the moment.
Hope this helps a little for you.


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## redrainbows (Mar 15, 2011)

Can i just say also that HE is the one that has to put this marriage right and not you. You have done nothing wrong at all.

I had alot of family that kept me going to in those dark days and weeks after the affair who kept telling me I HAD DONE NOTHING WRONG!!!.

I am now a different person and so much stronger and no-one will ever hurt me like that again.

He needs to prove how much you mean to him and stick by it too and treat you with respect and promise never ever to do this or hurt you again.

Read the forums like i did as i found so much advice on here and it helped me learn so much.
Take care and god bless you. I really mean that.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

when i read bout 20-40yr marriages experiencing adultery i think several things:

1. maybe theres more affairs than graybeard hasnt told u 
about. if not in their physical, then their spiritual realm.

2. maybe mortality is a prime motivator for us to "whig out".
i've seen/heard alot of cases where this is so; esp where
everything is good/great in say, a good marriage. i.e., no
major holes seen in their lives. ah, seen....who can "see" 
the human heart but God.

shalom yededeed........is avail to all............:smthumbup:


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

He needs help. He needs to see some health professional or behavioural therapist. He did own up to it though! Amazing. He couldn't control himself and say NO when some lustful woman threw herself on him........well, that's what he claims happened! That's if you can believe a word coming out of his mouth. 

Is he charming to all and sundry? Knowing a charmer often plausible beyond belief lends oneself to the very real risk of danger for this behaviour is from a flawed character. He is a serial cheater. He is showing a pattern of behaviour where he gets away with it and he is still doing it. It's a problem, a serious problem for you.

He made the choice to have sex with another and ultimately you are paying for his choices through terrible pain and heartache and you have to decide can he be allowed to continue to destroy you as he is clearly doing right now.

He's duped you and he is likely to be duping everyone he knows. Does he have friends who have cheated? If his friends are cheaters they'll all probably think its acceptable, laugh and no doubt talk about their exploits with other cheater friends. Get rid of the cheater friends and he may realise he has a problem. 

Every spouse ought to be wary about cheater friends because just as parents worry about their kids keeping bad company, spouses ought to be wary of keeping bad friends. For the serial cheater is on the look out and it may be your spouse they are after!

You BOTH need to sort this out and if only one of you wants to work at saving the marriage as it seems to be, you may need to be very brave and draw on all your inner resources and just walk away. 

Value yourself. He doesn't seen to care about you and you have to say to yourself 'I deserve much better than this shoody treatment.' 

Until he can sort out himself why put yourself through more grief? 

You should also establish what part you had in the marriage failing but he decided the way out was to cheat and that highlights a flaw in his character. People can change and do for the better, others continue their ongoing pattern of unacceptable behaviour because they can get away with it. You need to decide if you will aid, or terminate his harmful behaviour.

Loving someone ought to mean considering the feelings of your spouse and long term partner and how would they feel based on your choices and here is the problem, when the road gets rocky in a relationship sometimes self preservation kicks in and a part of that is falling into the honey trap of attention from another. One thing leads to another and it is soon a full blown affair. 

Cheating is very painful for those who have been cheated on and sometimes for the remorseful cheater. 

The calculated cheater however is very different because he/she doesn't care about anyone's feelings other than their own and uses an affair as part of life and to hell with anyone else and their feelings. Their priority is themselves, not anyone else. Their cheating ways highlight a complete lack of empathy for another person's feelings.


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## hollowed455 (Mar 26, 2011)

I agree totally with redrainbows.

My wife had an affair and we worked through it. Your relationship will either fall apart or become stronger. You never really forget about it but eventually you start to think less about it. It's been 3 years since my wife's affair and to this day I still think about it occasionally. There is no easy way or quick fix to something like an affair. It truly is something that only time will take care of. best of luck to you I know how painful this all can be. take care


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Found this in a PDF google search.........

Vertical forgiveness is the gift you give yourself. It’s a personal matter between you and
God, one that allows you to release yourself from desire for retribution and to free
yourself to love again. The greatest example of this form of forgiveness is Jesus on the
cross when he said, “Father, forgive them, they don’t know what they’re doing.” This
type of forgiveness says, “They just don’t get it, so please don’t give them what they
deserve.” Vertical forgiveness sets me free from the hurtful actions of others and allows
me to move on with dignity and confidence. It is not condoning the unloving acts of
others; on the contrary, it’s choosing to act in my own personal best interest.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

disbelief said:


> Found this in a PDF google search.........
> 
> Vertical forgiveness is the gift you give yourself. It’s a personal matter between you and
> God, one that allows you to release yourself from desire for retribution and to free
> ...


:iagree:


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