# I'd be much happier if you did that, but I HATE that you did it!



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Someone posted in a thread about the no win situations with the wife. I found it very interesting. I'll never truly understand it, but the brain pattern going on is nonetheless intriguing.

As an example

The wife wanted me to make more money. No issues...I wanted more money too.

Eventually I was offered a higher position at work. I told the wife what this truly meant. The odd time, when the CEO wants a midnight meeting, I'm there. My phone? Stuck to my hip. That's why they pay you stupid money...24 hour availability.

She agreed, of course. Things were good. I could afford some useless toys, and the wife could pursuer her shoe collecting hobby.
Now, I would get those midnight calls or meeting, but they were actually few and far between. It didn't seem like that aspect of the position was really affecting my outside work life at all.

So...after several months, the wife started to get annoyed with the odd late night call. Eventually, it turned vehement. She actually told me to tell the CEO the next day to stop calling after 5pm because my phone would be turned off. Wtf?!!! Lol. I tried explaining to her that a comment like that would be career suicide and she would have to start pawning off her shoes and handbags and jewelry to pay bills. That didn't matter to her. It was a hot topic that just didn't end.....sigh...

"I hate your phone! Why do they expect you to be available all the time! No one else at your work gets called at odd hours to discuss work! By the way! Look at these cool matching handbags I just picked up at the Burberry store! They were on sale for $20 dollars off!"

Ahh. The mind of a lady.


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

To be honest, uninterrupted time with our husbands is what most of us REALLY want..more time together, not more money.
The money always sounds so tempting. When she agreed that it would be a good career move, she probably didn't anticipate how hard it would be to know you could 'up and leave' at a moments notice..you being available like that makes a woman feel like she is competing for your time/attention. 

I'm sure at the time of decision making, she decided yes, this sounds positive, but in actuality, maybe it's not as good as she thought- not worth it to give you up like she has to now.

So while she knew what she wanted at the time, her mind has probably just changed now that she realizes what she has to give up.

She's not crazy, she has just figured out that time with you is actually more important than than the extra money.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

..btw..she'll still enjoy the $, but she will never love that she has to lose time with you. 
I'm sure that if you worked less & made less $, she might wish for those materialistic things again, but have a deeper sense of peace knowing you are around more. 
That's how I would feel, anyways( :
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Yeah, it's funny isn't it?

My wife and I make a modest living. More than enough, but certainly not enough to jet off to the Bahamas twice a year.

Like many, times are getting a little bit tougher, and the disposable income is becoming less and less.

Here's the problem - I'm self employed. What I do only requires 4-5 hours a day of my time. It's not the type of job where the longer I work, the more I make. My wife makes the same as I do over an 8 hour day. This is, imo, great, because I am the one who brings the kids to school, and am there to pick them up. I get other things done throughout the day (laundry, dishes, whatever).

My wife has asked me to get a second job, part time, like at Home Depot or something, just to supplement the income. I'm not completely opposed to it, as I do get bored from time to time, but at the end of the day, it makes me much less available to her and the kids. And for what? So we CAN take that second vacation each year?

So I'm in a bit of a no-win situation myself. If I continue with the status quo, then I'm perceived as not being as hard working as her. My work day is half of hers, with the same income. But I get all this "free time"... lol.

It's not a bone of contention for us, however at the odd time when we don't have much, if any, play money, it will be brought up. And why? Because I have the time to get a second job... sigh.

It's funny, because there's an element of jealousy with this. There's also the perception that I don't work as hard as she does (which isn't that far off...). But our incomes are virtually the same. However, things around the house are DONE when she gets home. The kids are looked after. Dinner is in process.

She, and the kids, have the best of both worlds, if you ask me - I'm employed, make a decent income, AND I'm a stay at home dad. But she's willing to trade all that for an extra bit of play money.

The mind of a woman, indeed


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I am a lady, and I asked H not to take a job that would give him more money but less freedom and off time. Women are not all clones of each other.😡

I agree with karma, the money probably sounded great, then reality set in. Sit down and have a serious conversation. Do the two of you want the money, or more time together? 

My husband travels a lot now, I don't complain about it. He feels bad enough missing out on family time. This doesn't mean I don't get frustrated and wish he could have a nine to five with all the perks he's getting right now. I think it is human nature to always hope for more.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I sincerely doubt that she feels she is missing 'quality time'. 

If he were to stop taking late calls, there would be no fundamental change to their dynamic. Maybe what shes missing is an occasional good night's sleep. 

She just doesn't like that someone else can make demands on his time outside work hours.

When I was married and we were literally in the red hundreds of dollars a month, I had the opportunity to take a job paying about 40% more, but it meant travel.

She didnt want me to take it. She wasnt working. She didnt want me to turn it down because she'd miss me. She didnt want to be stuck with the kids 24/7, or feared I'd miss stuff like plays. 

TOTALLY different and in my opinion at the time, totally unrealistic set of priorities.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

When I was married to my first wife, I was self employed. Honestly, I don't think she really knew what I did for a living but before we had our daughter, she worked at a huge corporation and made more then me and never let me forget it.

Then she got pregnant and told me to pick up the slack and reminded me of it at least twice a week. 

So I did and my business took off and one day I needed material for my job and called the guy who supplied it and was told that he wouldn't be home until 2AM. I told his wife that I didn't care just have him call me because I needed the material for my job. He called at 2:30 AM. and the wife went nuts and chewed him out. I grabbed the phone and the guy was really shook up saying he was sorry and I told him not to worry about it and got it taken care of.

The next day I told my wife that if she would open her ears and keep her mouth shut she would have remembered that I told her he was going to call and that she ran the risk of pissing the guy off and I would have been screwed big time.

Then two days later she says she wants a new car. I told her to drive the one she has and if she doesn't like it, to get a job and buy her own. Not to mention that it was only two years old.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

The mind of a woman?

I work 8-10 hours days, draw a good income and pay all other the bills. H works part time, and loves to shop for toys as a hobby.

And complains if I'm spending too much time at work.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Alpha, your avatar says it all.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I posted this on another thread a few weeks ago but I could never ask my husband to quit his job. He loves it and is extremely happy. In additional to that, I'm very practical. Right now we have no money worries and excellent insurance. Yes, he's gone for 24 hour shifts and yes, he misses school plays, birthdays and holidays, (we just celebrate on different days) but I wouldn't go back to years ago when we were living paycheck to paycheck.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

always_alone said:


> The mind of a woman?
> 
> I work 8-10 hours days, draw a good income and pay all other the bills. H works part time, and loves to shop for toys as a hobby.
> 
> And complains if I'm spending too much time at work.


Haha! Yeah. We r probably as confusing to you as you to us...


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

soccermom2three said:


> I posted this on another thread a few weeks ago but I could never ask my husband to quit his job. He loves it and is extremely happy. In additional to that, I'm very practical. Right now we have no money worries and excellent insurance. Yes, he's gone for 24 hour shifts and yes, he misses school plays, birthdays and holidays, (we just celebrate on different days) but I wouldn't go back to years ago when we were living paycheck to paycheck.


Yes. Been there. Done that.

At one point we had to refinance the mortgage and consolidate the bills. Poor paying position and in the red each month.

The wife strongly objected to this approach. I tried to explain that the debt wasn't going away...we still had to pay it. But consolidating at an awesome interest rate would save us 900 clams a month that we could still put against the mortgage if we wanted to...but if unexpected bills came up...we weren't locked into that extra payment.

Apparently, I was an idiot. Until the bank said exactly the same thing. Well, I was still an idiot but the banker lady was a flaking genius! 

Haha. Rolls eyes....


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

None of this matters anymore, anyways. It's been resolved.

She LOVES my high paying position now! And she 100% supported my promotion to VP!

More alimony. More child support. She has a place that's furnished exactly like our place was, considering the house was completely emptied out one day while I was at work, and a brand new SUV bought and paid for by yours truly. 

(Affair....secret boyfriend...all that usual stuff)


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Btw...coming home to a completely empty house was actually liberating. I went out on that weekend, shopping, ..and now have an awesome man cave that's actually a man-house!

I mean, how many fkn candles and doilies do you really need?

And I get to pour the laundry detergent in the washing machine after I put the clothes in, and not get the 5th degree work over.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

alphaomega said:


> Someone posted in a thread about the no win situations with the wife. I found it very interesting. I'll never truly understand it, but the brain pattern going on is nonetheless intriguing.
> 
> As an example
> 
> ...



Many ladies are spoiled brats.

They expect their men to make much more money for their life styles but when the job occasionally demands more of their hubbies time, all times of the day / night in some cases, they whine and complain, again.

Sounds like she is pampered and spoiled. Mrs. CuddleBug would tear her a strip.

If Mrs. CuddleBug wants new shoes, hand bag, etc. she goes out and buys herself these things with the money she makes from her job.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> Many ladies are spoiled brats.
> 
> They expect their men to make much more money for their life styles but when the job occasionally demands more of their hubbies time, all times of the day / night in some cases, they whine and complain, again.
> 
> ...


Mine wanted me to be home more but didn't want to scale back the spending when I took a lesser paying job. Why is it that some people can't understand the whole "you can't spend more than you earn" principle? It's definitely an entitlement thing.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

too many Disney movies!


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Deejo said:


> I sincerely doubt that she feels she is missing 'quality time'.
> 
> If he were to stop taking late calls, there would be no fundamental change to their dynamic. Maybe what shes missing is an occasional good night's sleep.
> 
> ...


To my mind this is not only an example of a different set of priorities, but for me the "unrealistic set of priorities" is very important. Another example of men and women speaking different languages.

To set up an artificial situation: SHE wants quality time with him. It makes the marriage tick. She feels that it is really necessary. On the other hand HE feels that keeping the family solvent is the husband's number one priority.

They don't understand each other and each actually resents the other's point of view.

Sidney's Silly Solution: Put the children to work and let the parents retire.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

My ex wife to a tee...I wonder how many women like this that once had the title "Princess" have been promoted to the title of "Ex" ?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Damned if you do....damned if you don't.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I don't think all women are like that. I've raised the possibility of moving to a job at a bigger firm where I'd earn more and my wife ALWAYS says "then you wouldn't be around as much, please don't do it." She's 100% clear on what's more important to her.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

One thing I will say though, is that I hate the way this kind of thing is portrayed in the media. The man working late is always some kind of selfish jerk, the foil for a romance with the sensitive gardner or whatever. There's never a connection made between a man being involved in his work and his ability and desire to support his family.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I am having a hard time understanding how you can respect someone whose hobby is buying shoes.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I'm not interested in being rich, I am middle class all the way. Moderate house, truck I love and my luxury item is travel. As I have dated I have always made it clear this is what I make, this is where I spend my money...no more. My priorities are my family, friend, hiking, travel. 

So I have been passed over a few times because I didn't have the right car or didn't make enough money......no problem. The woman that stopped dating me cause she wanted to date another guy who has a corvette.....zero issue with that. I am NOT interested in being a cash cow for someone and appreciate them being honest up front


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

alphaomega said:


> And I get to pour the laundry detergent in the washing machine after I put the clothes in, and not get the 5th degree work over.


You do what???? Oh dear GOD I can't believe you put the clothes in then turn on the water and THEN put in the detergent! That is totally the WRONG way to do it Buster! Sheesh, do you want clean clothing or do you want splotchy residue filled clothing? And what do you think happens to those skid marks that didn't get enough saturation in the detergent? That's right genius, you're wearing poop! POOP! Oh for gods sake please tell me you at least use hot water when you wash your boxers?


 just wanted to help you relive the bad old days....


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I remember my SIL raising this issue with the other women in the family, that is, that my brother travels and works long hours. She, who drives the latest SUV, lives in a McMansion, completely SAH so she can concentrate on the two kids........

My other SIL who had a long and successful corporate career tried to explain, err, well, there is a trade off.

I haven't heard anymore rumblings and they're still together, so maybe she did figure it out. 

When I was married, my exH was a management consultant. The kind that would spend Monday to Friday at the client site. i never once complained about his work schedule. But on Friday evenings, he wanted to go straight to his Mother's farm to stay the weekend. I didn't figure it out until later, this was his way of being Lord of the Manner (ie posh Brits work in the professions in the city during the week and then are out in the country for the weekend, preferably on their own territory.) 

Now the weekends, I complained about. now whenever someone asks me what have I seen of England, I tell them the inside of my exMIL's house.

By the time we parted ways, he was making 6 figures, but told me that he got there "despite me."


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

This sounds like "Having It All" syndrome. The ridiculous idea that one is entitled to have the perfect life or the equally ridiculous idea that it is even achievable. 

I guess that if you believe the latter you might fall for the former.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

VermisciousKnid said:


> This sounds like "Having It All" syndrome. The ridiculous idea that one is entitled to have the perfect life or the equally ridiculous idea that it is even achievable.
> 
> I guess that if you believe the latter you might fall for the former.


...and that they "deserve" it simply because they exist...


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Not sure if I'm one of the guys the OP mentioned.

Wife is EXACTLY like this. If it were up to her, I'd earn a fortune, be there all day to do work around the house, and also be around to do the childcare. Obviously, doesn't work like that.

I'm self-employed so sometimes work in a long distance. I don't like this but it pays well. Wife also likes the money it pays.

But you can guarantee whenever I get a new contract it'll be a case of "Tell them you can't work late" or "tell them you can only work until x time". She hasn't got a clue how it all works to be honest.

I do try and point out that I've been doing things my way for 20+ years which is why I earn so much. Between the lines trying to say if I did it her way it just wouldn't happen.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

My father was also a workaholic. He was a medical doctor with his own practice. When I was in high school, he would come home around 9 or 10 o'clcok. And then expect me to come downstairs and watch him read the news paper. 

He rarely took a vacation. And when we started working for large organisations that gave vacation time, he would needle us saying that we shouldn't take the time off.

Yes, I had a comfortable life materially. Always a roof over my head and access to good education. OTOH, my parents did say no to me regularly. Living in the suburbs with no public transportation, they denied me a car even though my sibling got one in their junior and senior year. I should also note we lived in area where trying to get a job for pocket money would require transportation to get the job in the first place. (I will always have trouble understanding why anyone would want to live in the suburbs, especially one without any access to transportation.)

Also, it started to become clear to me that a lot of money that my father "complained" about making was given away to his side of the family...... lots of less than kind aunt, uncle and cousins who benefited from my father's absence from his family.

Thanks a lot, Dad.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> My father was also a workaholic. He was a medical doctor with his own practice. When I was in high school, he would come home around 9 or 10 o'clcok. And then expect me to come downstairs and watch him read the news paper.
> 
> He rarely took a vacation. And when we started working for large organisations that gave vacation time, he would needle us saying that we shouldn't take the time off.
> 
> ...


I never had a car from my parents. Rode my bike up to half an hour to get to my jobs.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

VermisciousKnid said:


> I never had a car from my parents. Rode my bike up to half an hour to get to my jobs.



1. Is that the way your parents treated all of your siblings?
2. Did you live in an area that was bike friendly AND encouraged people to use their bike? (mine did not)
3. When you needed to go and come to places where using a bike was not reasonable, did you find that
a) sometimes you had to turn down those situations because you did not have the transportation for it?
b) you found the transportation for ii but you found that you were waiting for long periods for people to pick you up; and also sometimes it was not the safest situation for a teenager ....... and especially for a FEMALE teenager.........


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> 1. Is that the way your parents treated all of your siblings?
> 2. Did you live in an area that was bike friendly AND encouraged people to use their bike? (mine did not)
> 3. When you needed to go and come to places where using a bike was not reasonable, did you find that
> a) sometimes you had to turn down those situations because you did not have the transportation for it?
> b) you found the transportation for ii but you found that you were waiting for long periods for people to pick you up; and also sometimes it was not the safest situation for a teenager ....... and especially for a FEMALE teenager.........


None of us got a car. I was the oldest of four. 

Bike friendly? No. Not encouraged either. 

Started doing this as a freshman in high school. 

If it wasn't reachable by bike I didn't go. The bus often took longer than the bike because I would have to travel in to town, transfer, then travel back out... like spokes on a wheel.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

VermisciousKnid said:


> None of us got a car. I was the oldest of four. My other siblings did get a car. I think parents should treat their children equally.
> 
> Bike friendly? No. Not encouraged either. Not encouraged here either. Walking is not encouraged here either. Are you an American who lives in the Mid West subsurbs?
> 
> ...


It does not seem as if your childhood and mine can be compared.

imagine if you were Greek, Jewish or Italian (or maybe even Black, like me) and your parents moved you out to some white ******* neighborhood and still expected you to carry on a social life in the community way over there.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I love having money...when it's cash I've made on my own 

There really is only so much shopping you can do before you realize you're just trying to fill a void inside yourself.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> It does not seem as if your childhood and mine can be compared.
> 
> imagine if you were Greek, Jewish or Italian (or maybe even Black, like me) and your parents moved you out to some white ******* neighborhood and still expected you to carry on a social life in the community way over there.


Me. Suburbs. East Coast. 

So you moved into a community where you had no peer group? Yeah, that's a different situation than mine.


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

I have a hard time reading these type of posts.

Where does one get such a sense of entitlement? 

I cant fathom ever telling my spouse to make more money so I can do what I want, i.e.. spend money of shoes and such. I truly feel if you marry a person (man or woman) with this type of behavior its on you.

I'm all for either spouse having the possibility of staying home with the kids as long as one income can support everyone. 

but to become a spoiled brat and expect that one is to keep up with the Jones is ridicules. 

I grew up in a non traditional house of mom worked and dad stayed home with the kids and not a lot of money but a whole lot of love.

I have a female cousin who's husband lost his job and he made $$$, she had to go back to work and instead of picking up the slack she found a rich guy to take care of her instead, she gave her husband the house, cars and boat and her new old man (had to be late 60, she was 30's) bought her a house, a car and a boat.

I find this behavior in poor taste, now of course she looks great, I would too if I spent all day in spas, shopping and with a personal trainer.

I just help but think something is really wrong (in the brain)with this type of person.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

NobodySpecial said:


> I am having a hard time understanding how you can respect someone whose hobby is buying shoes.


Replace shoes with porcelain dolls. Dolphin ornaments...etc.

Same for the guys.... Action figures....cars....etc...

It's all over the top, but whatevs. It's all good.

I "collect" useless tech gadgets that look really cool on a web page, but r not so cool when you actually get them home and try to use them.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I can understand the shoe hobby but only if it involves hunting for the rare and beautiful. If you're just running to pay-less and grabbing whatever trendy shoe floats your boat...uh no,that's not a hobby.that's an impulse.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

It’s not just money and work.
My wife: “Racing cost too much, keeps you away for the weekend leaving me doing all the work and taking care of the kids on my own while you are out with your friends. You have kids now, a wife, a home, and should be home helping.” Valid argument. I quit racing.

A couple years pass. She has affairs.

One that comes out. “You used to be exciting, do exciting things. Now you are at home all the time doing nothing.” (really just helping out around the house and with the kids). “You changed. I loved that old you... What happened to you?” Um... duh. I listened and gave her what she wanted.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Racer said:


> It’s not just money and work.
> My wife: “Racing cost too much, keeps you away for the weekend leaving me doing all the work and taking care of the kids on my own while you are out with your friends. You have kids now, a wife, a home, and should be home helping.” Valid argument. I quit racing.
> 
> A couple years pass. She has affairs.
> ...


You listened to what she said, rather than observing what she did.

An all-too common (but logical) mistake.


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