# Very confused husband



## eaglespirit (Apr 22, 2010)

I am in need of a good chat partner to talk about my marriage. I don't have good communication in our relationship. I can't seem to talk to my wife about anything major without being misunderstood or listening to an assumption of what I am talking about instead of the actual issue. So I decided to try this forum out. I am in a 3 year relationship and I have so much to talk about that I don't really even know where to start. So I'll start with my biggest problem. Have you ever had a relationship or a friend that when you tried to point out something they did wrong, they always seem to have a "perfect" excuse on why they did it immediately without thought and concern of your own feelings? In other words, really quick to defend themselves in such a way that they never really understand the problem in the first place or take the time to understand your own feeling behind it.

Well that is what I am going thru. It seems like she is just coming up with anything quickly to excuse what she did. I have even caught her in lies and tried to even record it. Here story would always change and never make sense. If I confront her she just becomes more defensive and I have to end the conversation because its not going anywhere. I don't know what to do and just could use some help please.


----------



## del88 (Mar 24, 2010)

If she really loves you she would validate your feelings and stop manking escuses. Be careful about how you approach her. Don't be accusatory or blaming about an issue that is bothering you. That will cause her to be defensive. She sounds like someone who doesn't ever like to be wrong, but marriage is much more about right and wrong, it's about love and respect. And, she needs to realize that some day. I would try writing your thoughts and feelings down and allow her to to read and process them, then plan a time to discuss it. I would also recommend couples counseling. My wife and I did and it's a great way for you both to discuss your feelings with a third person. I wish you well.


----------



## NotGoodEnough (Apr 22, 2010)

I agree w/ Del88.. You should sit her down and calmly express how much her defensive attitude affects you. I'm sure she'll understand but don't approach the issue in an aggressive, accusatory way that will just upset her or make her more defensive. Communication is so important in a relationship. If you love her and she loves you I'm sure she'll want to work on it and be more aware of her "defensive" responses.
I also recommand counseling, just give it a chance and if she refuses try to explain it's to help you two communicate and understand each other better.
Best of luck!


----------



## del88 (Mar 24, 2010)

I hope things are going better. I was just wondering how things were and if you thought some more about counseling.


----------



## created4success (Apr 9, 2010)

del88 said:


> If she really loves you she would validate your feelings and stop manking escuses. Be careful about how you approach her. Don't be accusatory or blaming about an issue that is bothering you. That will cause her to be defensive. She sounds like someone who doesn't ever like to be wrong, but marriage is much more about right and wrong, it's about love and respect. And, she needs to realize that some day. I would try writing your thoughts and feelings down and allow her to to read and process them, then plan a time to discuss it. I would also recommend couples counseling. My wife and I did and it's a great way for you both to discuss your feelings with a third person. I wish you well.


I agree, del88.

When I've blamed my wife or been judgmental, it just ends in defensiveness and hurt. No one likes to be condemned. Neither are both spouses in a relationship the best communicators to begin with.

If there's a lot of finger pointing in your relationship and you think honesty and transparency is a big issue, I would encourage you to get third party help, such as seeing a counselor. That person can be a neutral party to help sort your issues.


----------



## eaglespirit (Apr 22, 2010)

I have tried the counseling before with her and as soon as they tried to help her realize what she was doing that was causing the argument she shutdown and started crying. That is why I am trying to find more ideas because nothing seems to be working and I don't want to quit becuase the Word says no to divorce unless by adultery. So I am lost on what to do. 


She does not like being wrong or being looked toward when the issue is with her unthought responses. Most of our arguments are over things I never said or hasent even happened yet, like for example today I was talking about my ex-wife and I having to talk about my daughters behavior in school. This is how the conversation went. Meanwhile I doing this because I know how defensive my wife is over who has the say so over the children. My ex-wife is the biological mother who did drugs for a year and lost the kids but straightened up for over a year now and has been a big part of the life recently.

Me: I am going to talk to amy outside so that Cecilia doesnt hear us. Then I will come in and talk to you about it so that I can make a decision on our next step.

Wife: So you are going to make a decision with amy without me and then tell me what you are going to do.

Me: No that is not what I said. Could you please take the time to hear what I said instead of twisting my words.

Wife: I was just asking a question, I wasnt accusing you of anything.

I then got upset because I honestly believe she doesnt realize how accusatory she sounds. It upsets me so much to talk to someone where I am having to defend something I never said or defend myself on something that never happened and she just wants to know the what if.

I have tried so hard to get my wife to understand how she makes me feel and all she can say is what she feels our marriage should be like. I'm lost folks and confused. I don't what more to do. I feel trapped.


----------



## created4success (Apr 9, 2010)

eaglespirit said:


> I have tried the counseling before with her and as soon as they tried to help her realize what she was doing that was causing the argument she shutdown and started crying. That is why I am trying to find more ideas because nothing seems to be working and I don't want to quit becuase the Word says no to divorce unless by adultery. So I am lost on what to do.
> 
> I have tried so hard to get my wife to understand how she makes me feel and all she can say is what she feels our marriage should be like. I'm lost folks and confused. I don't what more to do. I feel trapped.


I'm going out on a limb here, but my guess is that your wife's identity is tied very much to performance; who she is is based upon what she does, what she says and what other people think about her. That being the case, she may never be fully confident because her confidence is in shifting circumstances that she can't control.

You may feel that you can't say or do anything right and that she judges you. Am I correct?

*The bottom line here is that this is about her. *I have been in a similar place in our marriage when my identity was based only on my circumstances and feelings. I didn't take criticism well and I didn't relate well to authority; both were threats to me.

You mentioned that the Word (and by that I'm guessing you mean the Bible) says that you shouldn't divorce unless there's infidelity. You are correct: that's what it says.

I've also learned a lot from the Word (sorry re: this semi-religious tangent, guys); *in particular to get my identity from what God says about me and now what others say about me or from what I do.* This has helped me tremendously!


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Eagle, it sounds like there is a good chance your W has strong traits of a PD (personality disorder). Whether the traits are so severe as to warrant a diagnosis as such is something that only a professional can determine. Yet, even when the traits fall short of that level, they can make life very difficult for a spouse trying to live with the person. 


eaglespirit said:


> ...as soon as [the counselor] tried to help her realize what she was doing that was causing the argument she shutdown and started crying.


This sounds like my exW. She would use crying as a way to deflect attention away from her contribution to the problems. People suffering from a PD are nearly always ego syntonic, i.e., they are so fearful of being wrong that, at a conscious level, they believe that their spouse (or everyone else) is responsible for their unhappiness. Their own behavior, they believe, cannot be the cause. They feel this so intensely that it becomes their reality and they will not listen to any rational arguments against it. Until the spouse understands this, he will feel like he is going crazy because he simply cannot believe that any human being can say such outrageous things while keeping a straight face.


> It upsets me so much to talk to someone where I am having to defend something I never said or defend myself on something that never happened...


This, too, sounds so much like my exW. This behavior is a strong sign that your W may be incapable of trusting you or anyone else. If so, it is due to some abandonment or loss she experienced in early childhood and you can never convince her that you love her and that you are telling the truth. My exW, for example, was accusing me of outrageous things about every two weeks -- and she really believed them. But if I were to present evidence to the contrary, she would not hesitate to lie her way out of it. 

The reason is that she has such a weak ego and fragile sense of self that she cannot stand the pain of finding that she has a flaw or made a mistake. With such people, you cannot sit down and have a meeting of the minds. Indeed, you cannot even reach a compromise or a solution. The problem is that they are not interested in finding solutions. Rather, they are only interested in creating drama.


> I'm lost folks and confused. I don't what more to do. I feel trapped.


I suggest that you read about PDs to see if one seems to describe your W's behavior. My exW, for example, suffers from BPD (Borderline PD). Unlike your W, however, she often expresses rage and meanness. If I understand your description properly, your W does not show rage but instead is passive aggressive and behaves like she is a victim and cannot trust you. I therefore suggest you start your reading with a description of waif borderlines, i.e., the quiet borderlines, at 
BORDERLINE WAIFS AND UNSUNG HEROES; Rescuing The Woman Who Doesn't Want To Be Saved. . If that description does not seem close to your W's behavior, I suggest that you read about the other PDs. 

If your W does have serious PD traits, this would explain why you made no progress with the marriage counselor. PD sufferers generally only play games or deflect attention in such a setting. What is needed to treat a PD is individual therapy from a psychologist who is highly skilled in treating that particular PD. Take care, Eagle.


----------

