# Helphelphelp!



## major misfit

I was just goofing around with my 10yo son today, and he starts talking. (yay..he talks to me! I'm grateful for that)

Brief info...he has a couple of good friends at school. The others, just acquaintances pretty much. The boy in question used to live with his grandmother, who is a teacher at my son's school. His mother has had drug issues, and lost custody at one point. No father in the picture. Currently living with mom.

The other boy in question lives with his mother and father. Mother is a teacher, father works at a company locally. Well respected people, though I don't like the father. He has been an assistant coach for my son's baseball team, and I just don't like him. I'll leave it at that.

My son tells me that boy A told him something....told him that he had gone to boy B's house, and boy B had locked him in a treehouse and wouldn't let him out until he let him "lick his nuts". Boy A ended up letting him lick the THIGH (according to where my son pointed) and on the outside...on the pants. 

First..I thanked my son for telling me this. Then after we were through with conversation (had a looooong talk that I won't go into), I called my SO. Didn't know if this is something that 10yo boys think about or not. He tells me "not usually", and he feels something must be going on. I agree completely.

This made the hair stand up on the back of my neck. Now..it's totally possible that boy B might have gotten ahold of some "material" he shouldn't have, and that's where the idea came from in the first place. 

I don't know where to go from here. I can't let this go. My gut reaction is to talk to Boy A's grandmother, since I know her, though we're not "close". Tell her what he disclosed to my son, and let her proceed from there. 

Thoughts? HELP!


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## woodstock

Somewhat similar ting happened with my nephew... Scary stuff!!!! Would definitely not let that go completely since it was not so simple as showing or even touching (weird things kids do) but the licking adds a note of something beyond that (unusual knowledge for the age?) Often such things stem from their own abuse.

Maybe consider discussing it with a child therapist? (Is the an 800 number for that? don't know).

It's a tough one to approach a parent with (my sis ended up in mad still lasting fight over what was done to my nephew which involved dry humping by several kids at a sleep over of ages 9-12) It was ugly and I am not sure how or if it was totally resolved, but this one is even worse and has even more red flags all over it.

Either way, you have every reason to be concerned, and if I were you I would be very careful about your son's contact with this boy at the least.


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## greeneyeddolphin

I would definitely tell the grandmother. She absolutely needs to know about it. And if it were me, I don't think I'd let my son associate with boy A outside of school or my home. I'd want to know they were well supervised, and the only way I could feel confident of that would be if I or the school (and really, even the school is a barely trust them situation) was supervising. 

There's always that possibility that boy B was making it up or embellished an innocent story to make it sound bad (not sure how you would do that with this situation, but...), but I always prefer to err on the side of caution with this kind of thing.


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## 827Aug

woodstock said:


> Either way, you have every reason to be concerned, and if I were you I would be very careful about your son's contact with this boy at the least.


:iagree:



major misfit said:


> I don't know where to go from here. I can't let this go. My gut reaction is to talk to Boy A's grandmother, since I know her, though we're not "close". Tell her what he disclosed to my son, and let her proceed from there.


This is how I would approach the incident as well. Since Boy A is technically the "victim" the ball would then be in the grandmother's court so to speak. And since the grandmother is a teacher she probably knows what protocol to follow.


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## major misfit

See? This is why I don't let my son go anywhere!!!!! I pick my son up from school, and boy B is always asking when he can come over. He does this when I show up in the classroom as well. My response (up to this point) has been "whenever you get ready to". 

And now that boy A has been "indoctrinated", I'm not comfortable with him, either. Can you not let your kids go *anywhere* anymore? You just never know. While I might be comfortable with some parents, you never know if there's an "uncle Bob" or someone else hanging around. 

I freakin' hate this. I thought about calling a hotline, but I have to imagine what I would want someone to do for me, if I were in that situation. Grandma is going to blow the roof off of this (I know that for a fact, there was another incident about "sucking d***s", that she melted down over). I'm hoping for the child's sake that she handles this differently. 

I need courage right now.


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## woodstock

If boy B is always looking to go over to someone else's house, perhaps there is a reason he does not want to be home? This does not seem like normal behaviour for that age to me, but then I think back to what I knew when I was that age (oral was WAY off my radar then, so was most everything even being the youngest) but today IS different (dear god I hope this is not the Dr game!!!) but then I have heard some pretty nasty stuff going on with 11-12 year olds that I would not have been doing in HS (or actually EVER for that matter)

It's a definite concern though no matter the reason behind the act. If the grandmother can't handle it is there any other family? Aunts or anything? Can you tell her and offer her a number to call with the info?


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## 827Aug

major misfit said:


> Grandma is going to blow the roof off of this (I know that for a fact, there was another incident about "sucking d***s", that she melted down over). I'm hoping for the child's sake that she handles this differently.


That doesn't sound productive either. There has got to be a way to handle this discreetly--to at least figure out what's going on. I'm afraid a hot-line call will achieve the same thing as telling grandma. And you don't want to do anything which will make your son stop having an open dialog with you. It's a tough question.


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## woodstock

I didn't mean a reporting hotline I mean a "what should I do" hotline. No idea if one exists, but it would be nice right?


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## turnera

Tell the grandmother, but tell the school authorities as well. If you hear of another incident, contact CPS. There may be bad things happening at B's house.


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## KatN

Hi I'm new here but I think I'd leave Grandma out of it and do the "what should I do" possibly with the school psychologist? Grandma's liable to come unglued and blurt yours or your son's name during a heated discussion - that's got the potential to blow things way out of proportion.


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## major misfit

I had a long conversation with my sister tonite. She knows the kind of area I live in, and the people's mindsets around here. They CAN be different, let me tell you.

My concern is my son. Don't misunderstand, please...I feel an obligation to this other boy (both boys, actually...IF something is going on in boy B's house that shouldn't be). However...my own son needs a certain amount of protection here as well. This is a VERY small area...and sometimes some very small minds as well. Grandma's reaction and the resulting fallout from what happened b/c of a remark has me questioning how to proceed from here.

My sister said to write an anonymous letter to the grandmother. I'm weighing pros and cons of that. I'm afraid she might not take it seriously. I'm also afraid that she's going to sit her grandson down and start with the "what happened!!!" "TELL ME!!!! WHAT HAPPENED!!!!" kind of thing. I'm afraid that will be the reaction regardless of how the information gets to her.

Unfortunately, there are no school psychologists. The only time you see a psychologist is when they call them in like when one of my son's classmates was killed in a tragic horse riding accident. 

I'm still weighing what to do...time is running out. I need to figure out what to do by monday. 

I learned the hard way last time that grandma won't leave my son out of it, regardless of what she says. When I told her what my son told me had been said to her grandson, she ASSURED me that my son's name wouldn't be mentioned. She didn't keep her word. It would have been possible for her to do so, too. I remember thinking at the time "well, I'll never tell her anything again, no matter what". I told my sister those thoughts have now come back to haunt me. Here I am again. I WILL tell her (or someone)...I'm just not sure of the logistics at this point.

I am so agonizing over this. That poor little boy.


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## 827Aug

The area you live in sounds much like mine. Does your son's school have a school nurse?


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## greeneyeddolphin

If there's no psychologist, maybe the guidance counselor, the principal or the teacher? Not only should they be professional enough to leave your son out of it, they are all in positions where they have a duty to report, and it seems to me this kind of information would prompt them to do some serious investigating and then report it to authorities if necessary, which would be good for boy B if there is stuff going on in his house that shouldn't be.


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## woodstock

Have a good long (age appropriate) talk with your son about boundaries, what is OK and what's not and some tips on how to handle the situation. If you can, maybe give him an emergency cell phone he can use to call if he is in a situation he is not sure how toget out of, and tell him that maybe boy B is not someone he should end up alone with if he can at all help it. 

10 is no where near old enough to be a peer helper type (a shame cause older and depending on your son, it could help) but you can try to make your son understand that boy B might need help and they he should trust YOU to know what needs to be done. Talk to him about how sometimes things have to be taken to parents and school, but that it is not a breaking of trust, but looking out. Make sure he knows that he can talk to you about things, but sometimes stuff will pop up that needs to go into the hands of adults. Reassure him that he has done NOTHING wrong in talking to you about it, and that you will do anything you can to protect HIM if you talk to other people (I mean making sure he is not made out to be the snitch)

It's tough when you know you have to say something but you fear what that might end up doing to your child in their social world, as well as with the level of trust they have in you. This is a really hard case. I can't believe there isn't a kind of 9line for parents to help us figure this stuff out!!


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## major misfit

827Aug...there IS actually a school nurse. I thought about telling her and let her take things from there. I thought about telling the principal. 

And woodstock...my son and I had a VERY long talk. My first words to him were "I'm VERY glad you told me about this. You absolutely did the right thing". It opened up yet *another* opportunity to talk about boundaries and our bodies, etc. etc. etc. And he has had a cell phone for almost two years. I took a lot of heat over that (not that I give a damn) but *I* felt better that he had a way to contact me in an emergency. I'll forever remember the father on tv who was sobbing, begging parents to "arm" their children with cell phones. He believed his daughter would still have been alive if she'd had one. And it DOES give me *some* comfort. 

I'm going to have another talk with my son today (especially since my SO is now home...he spent the last coupla days with his mother in the hospital). I'm going to ask him (my son) how he thinks this should be handled. He understands the importance of reporting this. HE would want someone to help him if (God forbid) it were him this had happened to. He cares about his friend. He understands what the right thing is. (those can be hard lessons sometimes, like when you find a really nice watch on the playground that you REALLY like and it's the right thing to turn it in so that it can get back to the rightful owner  ) 

I think I should talk to the principal about this. And unless he can give me a REALLY compelling reason NOT to (he was, after all, the one in the middle of the last s**t storm), I think this is the way to go. Let the professionals do their job. I'm trying to do mine here, and sometimes it is really hard. (being a parent)

I take a minimal amount of comfort in the fact that my son is the youngest of 4, the others are all MUCH older than he is, and he thinks and talks like an adult a lot of times. If anybody else has a child like this, they know what I'm talking about. BUT..he is still 10, after all. And this is a job for grown ups. I'm just going to get his input. I've also spent the last 4 years doing a LOT of talking about so many things, since his sister told me that he's too hard on himself, (we already knew he's a perfectionist) and she said that I needed to get into his feelings a LOT more with a child like this. We've done a lot of work in 4 years. (oh...his sister was a psychology major, who changed her major two months before getting her Bachelor's Degree)

Honestly...I am heartbroken for boy A. He's such a quiet, sweet little boy. He wants so badly for other boys to like him. He and my son are a lot alike, except my son refuses to "give away his power" (change who he is) and act like the other boys (including ones he doesn't like) just so they'd like him. My son also has his limits and isn't afraid to speak up for himself. He does a LOT of defending this other little boy. 

I told my sister that you'd think that after raising 3 kids, being almost 53 years old, I'd know a little somethin' somethin' about raising kids. I don't know s**t from shiloh.


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## woodstock

You are lucky to have such a mature minded son at that age! It think it will help you alot in this situation. It's a doozy!!!


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## turnera

I guess I'd go for the principal then. The only other thing I can think to do is call Children's Protective Services and tell them about Boy B.


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## major misfit

I thought I had made my decision, and here it is 11:30 at night and I'm still bouncing things around. *sigh*


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## 827Aug

turnera said:


> I guess I'd go for the principal then. The only other thing I can think to do is call Children's Protective Services and tell them about Boy B.


I'm pretty sure the principal is going to call Children's Protective Services. At least that's what they would do here in my state. It looks as though "fall out" is going to be unavoidable on this one. You need to prepare your son as best you can. 

My thought was for you to see the school nurse and present this case hypothetically, as you did here--as in Boy A and B. Then, ask her how to preceded. 

Good luck on this one. Prayers are with you.


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## woodstock

Every school has a team of people trained in some way for ths area of child psychology and such... They may not be there specifically for the job, but there is a group of teachers/nurse/ usually one admin that will handle such things (depending on your state, also a school psych. either on payrol or as a consultant). They may call children's services right away, or they may take a minute to review the child's behaviour for more clues to present (or both at the same time) It depends on their protocol, but they are obliged (legally) not to let it go unoticed and undocumented that they checked it out and how they did it.


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## major misfit

After talking with my son yesterday, he's probably not going to ever tell me anything again. He KNOWS what the right thing to do is, but he's stressing the fallout as well. Moreso than I am. He questioned whether or not his friend was even telling the truth. I explained to him that in a situation such as this, we have to assume that he IS. And then we had a long conversation as to the whys of that. 

I am about to shower and go talk to the principal. I feel that is the best way to handle it. This is a job for the professionals, and I have to leave them to it.


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## major misfit

Ok...I was finishing my cup of coffee and mulling over the responses to this thread. What 827Aug said about being pretty sure that the principal would call CPS..maybe that should be the route to take? There will still likely be fallout..I've come to the conclusion that it's not avoidable. 

I absolutely want to do the right thing for all persons concerned...mainly boy A. (boy B too, b/c he's got problems here)
I just got off the phone with the school sec'ty to find out if the principal is really busy today, and she said that he isn't in today. He's had a family emergency and is supposed to be back tomorrow. I told her to please put a bug in his ear that I need to talk to him. 

So, I'm going to take one more day. And if anyone else here can bounce something off of me in the next 24 hours, it's much appreciated. 

I am so grateful to all of you who have responded. I've talked about this with everyone I know. (which is pretty limited) You all have really given me a lot to think about. And I appreciate you being here more than you know.


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## turnera

Honestly, this is a good learning experience for your son. Traumatic, to be sure. But a great one for learning that sometimes doing the right thing isn't popular, and may even result in a bit of a backlash. To be sure, popularity is Concern #1 for kids. 

But if you can help him see that he can rise above that to realize that helping out another boy who may be suffering in silence is worth a little trouble...well, then he's learned a great lesson. 

Of course, you'll be monitoring, and you'll be ready to go pay those other sets of parents a visit - as well as revisiting the principal and recommending that the school hold some sort of 'forum' for the students on bullying and whatnot (or else you'll take it to the school board to do so FOR the principal), or taking direct action on the other kids - if something untoward happens to YOUR son, so he can also see he's protected.


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## major misfit

Turnera, my son and I have had that conversation as well. Thankfully this school has a strict anti-bullying policy that I know for a FACT that the principal adheres to. He won't tolerate any nonsense. My son actually said this boy will put him in his "crosshairs" (my son's actual words), but he said he can probably handle it. He just can't understand why boy A would continue to go over to boy B's house after this happened. And honestly? I don't have an answer for that one myself. 

We may just have to deal with our car windows being smashed out and tires being slashed. But that's what insurance is for. There's no insurance for a poor little boy who's possibly being abused. 

My SO is against me talking to the principal personally. He wants me to go the anonymous letter route. As does my sister. I just don't trust the adults in this little boy's life to do that. 

So..tomorrow it is....*sigh*


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## wlinlcpc

It sounds like there is no good way to handle this. Unfortunately, only a trained professional can determine/evaluate whether Boy A has been sexually molested by Boy B and they can also evaluate Boy B to see if he is being abused at home. School officials are mandated reporters. If you call the hotline, you can remain anonymous. This way both boys can get the help they need if that is the case.


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## woodstock

It's hard one. I can't imagine that conversation with the admins at my daughter's school. Can't say I trust them to know what's right all the time (OK very little of the time) 

I hope they are able to get the child help, and still keep his life as mornmal as possible. Also hoping it is not an abuse issue and just a kid WAY ahead of his time in knowledge of things and just unaware of how to handle it. No matter what it is he needs help with it, and so do the other children so that they are not adversly affected by his behaviour. 

In your case, if they ask to speak to your son about what was said to him, just make sure they allow you to be there when they talk to him (it can be a very scary situation to be a kid surrounded by adults, being asked questions that are uncomforatble in general, but i am sure you now this... just sayin  )


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## major misfit

woodstock said:


> In your case, if they ask to speak to your son about what was said to him, just make sure they allow you to be there when they talk to him (it can be a very scary situation to be a kid surrounded by adults, being asked questions that are uncomforatble in general, but i am sure you now this... just sayin  )


Now THAT is something I'm not willing to allow at all. I don't know how the school handles things, but I don't expect them to be the ones talking to my son. I can see where they'd want to, but I still feel that should be MY call. 

My SO is NOT happy with me. My SO may not be his biological father, but he is the only father my son has known. He does NOT want me involving my son in this in any way. He said my first responsibility is to "our" child. I can't believe he's taken this standpoint, especially since he feels about children the same way I do. He said it's just too "iffy" of a situation to risk the fallout on my son like this. He has a *big problem *with the child continuing to go to boy B's house in spite of what happened. He can't understand why he would continue to go there. As with my son...I have no good answer for that myself. 

I actually like the suggestion of talking "hypothetically" to the school nurse and see what she suggests on how to proceed. I had NO idea something like this would be so hard.


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## woodstock

I think he has to realize that it is also about your son. If this other boy's issues are not addressed, it could affect your son and many other people's children. The whole "it's not my kid so why should I care" destroys society. As adults we are HAVE to take the responsibilty or else we are both setting a bad example as well as accepting a substandard world for our own children. I want my child to have certain things, and i will fight for them. A feeling of safety in and out of the home is one of them.

Kids think so differently, and sometimes the fear of losing a friend is larger than the fear of what that friend might do, expecially when what they do is so far above their understanding... this is when adults MUST step in. Some secrets are not meant to be kept and that too is a good lesson for kids.


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## major misfit

In his defense, it's not a case of "it's not my kid, so why should I care" thing. It's hard to explain his commitment to my child...let's say it clouds good reason. I think he's also wrestling with whether this child is telling the truth or not, since my son told him that boy A had also been making a "comic book" about a situation like this *before this incident actually happened*. I didn't know that myself. He had talked to my son, and my son tells him this. I thought to myself "why didn't he tell me that?", but it wouldn't have made any difference. I still feel *something* is going on *somewhere*..and needs to be addressed.

In light of the "comic book" situation, I'm thinking about leaving boy B's name out of it. Just tell them what boy A disclosed, without giving the name of the other boy. I think I may be making this harder than it actually is. I just want to do the right thing for all concerned here. I would hate to see boy B traumatized if nothing happened.


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## turnera

Maybe it's Boy A who is being abused, and he's making it out to be about another boy.

I do understand SO's view. But honestly, I think that the value your son gains by knowing he may have helped another person will outweigh that. (I hope!)

I do have to tell you this. My Evil Witch Stepmother called CPS on my husband (twice) to try to get rid of him. The second time, CPS went to my daughter's school and spoke to her and the school officials. THEN they called me! She was 5 at the time. Just so you know, they may not include you at first.


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## woodstock

It still represents knowledge that is dangerous in the mind of a child that young. They don't know how to process things like oral, and how do you explain about it? It is something better left for later. That said, SOMETHING or SOMEONE provided him with too much knowledge about it, and not enough information? It came from somewhere. At 10, that is not a natural thing to know.

There is a difference between a child repeating what they heard verbally, and a child experimenting physically. Somehow they "know" something more about it, and experimentation of that nature denotes something more than kids being kids, or just having heard about it. It is not a naturally comfortable thing, or even a starter of "i'll show you mine... "


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## major misfit

I totally agree.


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## major misfit

Well, I did it. Almost on a knee-jerk reaction I ended up calling a hotline. They will contact CPS, and I guess it goes from there. I gave no names, and blocked my number..though I don't know if that will make a difference or not. I just hope they can get to the bottom of what's really going on.

All the agonizing I did over this, and I just meandered over to the phone almost trance like (I wanted to be forceful in my decision within myself) and just dialed. (ok..pushed buttons)

I guess we'll see where this goes, or doesn't. Makes me wonder if boy A will end up saying anything to my son about what's going on. I wish I felt better about the way I handled it. I don't feel 100% positive about calling the state CPS number. I was sick at my stomach after the call. I just hope they help that boy, and I really have no way of knowing for sure that they will. But it's what they do, right? They can't just ignore it. They assured me they will look into things, and get to the bottom of what's going on. I guess I have to trust that.


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## 827Aug

Under the circumstances I think you did the best thing. You should have a clear conscience now. Hopefully your son will be spared a lot of the unwanted fall out and others can get help (if there is a problem).


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## turnera

Thank God for people like you who go outside their comfort zone to protect children who can't protect themselves.


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## greeneyeddolphin

I think you did the right thing. And if you want to try to convince your SO, just ask him this question: If this was OUR son that this happened to, would you want the other family to decide their only obligation was to their child, and leave ours to figure this out for himself? Or would you want them to do what is right and try to make sure our son gets the help he needs and doesn't end up in this kind of situation again? 

I know for me, there would be no question that it needs to be reported. And I probably would have gone the route you did, an anonymous call, because then no one can prove your son did it. For all anyone knows, boy A called or boy B called. 

You did the right thing; your son did the right thing. And I think he will talk to you again. He's just scared right now, this whole situation is a lot for a 10 yr old to handle. After things have calmed down, and he's had time to think, I'm sure he'll realize that you both did what you had to do, and that it was the right thing, and that he can count on you to help him in situations that are beyond him.


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## major misfit

My SO is totally great with my calling the hotline. It was his first choice, after the anonymous letter. He just didn't want my son to have to suffer terrible fallout. He had a problem with my talking to the principal. Or the nurse. I appreciate him wanting to protect my son...and I did ask what if it had happened to my son? What would he have wanted done? Of course he said that he'd want someone to report it, and he understood why I had to...he just didn't like my going to someone in person. 

I didn't tell my son yet that I called. My son had a busy day today, and baseball practice tonite, so I figured I'd wait until the time we can have conversation about it. I'm just glad it's over with. I'll rest a BIT better tonite, knowing that the professionals know. I just hope they don't drop the ball.


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## greeneyeddolphin

major misfit said:


> My SO is totally great with my calling the hotline. It was his first choice, after the anonymous letter. He just didn't want my son to have to suffer terrible fallout. He had a problem with my talking to the principal. Or the nurse. I appreciate him wanting to protect my son...and I did ask what if it had happened to my son? What would he have wanted done? Of course he said that he'd want someone to report it, and he understood why I had to...he just didn't like my going to someone in person.
> 
> I didn't tell my son yet that I called. My son had a busy day today, and baseball practice tonite, so I figured I'd wait until the time we can have conversation about it. I'm just glad it's over with. I'll rest a BIT better tonite, knowing that the professionals know. I just hope they don't drop the ball.


Ok, I guess I just misunderstood what I read. I thought you were saying he was against you doing anything at all. My fault. 

I'm glad you've finally done it and can start feeling better now. And I really think, even if he is a bit mad at you at first, that your son will feel better, too.


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## major misfit

Wendy, he knew *something* had to be done...but, like myself, just didn't know WHAT. I had just fallen asleep last night and he wakes me up and asks me "do you really think they're going to help ****?" 

I tell you...I always thought I knew *exactly* what I'd do in a situation like this. I know better now. You just never know until you're thrust into it. The easy answer always isn't easy. 

I'll be glad when I can sit down with my son though. I belive he's going to be relieved as well. Probably not the degree that I am, but relieved nonetheless.

Thank you all so much for allowing me to agonize through this, and for your support and advice. If I hadn't had that, I'd surely be bald right now.


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