# Do I even have the energy



## Mama4 (Jan 18, 2021)

I was trying to avoid writing my own story, but my counselor has encouraged me to seek neutral advice/insight... so bare with me.
DH and I have been married 16 years. We were 18&19 when we married. Dated for about 6 months. He has openly admitted that he was planning our break up until I got pregnant and coming from a highly Christian home he knew he “had to do the right thing.” As a matter of fact we told his family we were pregnant on a Friday, by Sunday they had the church booked for the following Friday. I had little to no support. Since then we have built a wonderful life. We have 4 happy healthy well adjusted children that I have nearly always stayed home with (I’m an RN and worked for a few years). He is a deacon in our church, I teach Sunday School. He works hard and is successful, we just built a beautiful home and have a comfortable life style. And he really is a GOOD Godly man, I am very proud of the man he is. I am proud of us and how well we have done with a bad situation we put ourselves in.
That being said, our marriage has never been strong. There hasn’t been any infidelity, though he does admit that he’s just been blessed in that he’s never had the opportunity because he knows he would of taken it. And there certainly were some inappropriate relationships in the early years. No physical abuse. It’s just been 16 years of a one sided relationship. Everything is about him. His wants and needs are the priority, mine are not. The first 6-7 years I was busy making and taking care of babies, and just learning to be an adult. It was easier for me to ignore myself. 7 years ago was really when things started becoming, unbearable. We had had our last child, and he was done, so the logical solution to him was for me to have a tubal. I had VERY strong feelings against it. I wanted more children, and felt very passionately that it was the wrong decision. Now I sit here 7 years older, with a slightly bigger back bone and am really more mad at myself than him. But at the time I felt like if he told me I had to do it, then I had no other option. But I begged him to not make me (and yes again at this point in life I realize how stupid that is). I asked him to have a vasectomy, “they might mess something up” was the only answer, it was never an option. I asked about birth control, condoms etc.. I cried and begged him to speak to our pastor, to do anything to just hear me. I told him that I felt like I never had a say in decisions, that he never heard me or considered my needs and wants. And that that was going to break me. The day he drove me for the surgery, he joked about it. He made so many jokes for years about it. There was never even a shred of empathy, or compassion. It really was the beginning of the end. The day I had the procedure was one of the last times I’ve cried. What’s the point in exerting the energy having an emotion when it doesn’t fix the situation? Suck it up buttercup and move on. And he’s loved that! He thinks it’s great that I “don’t have a soul anymore.” Last year I had finally gained enough bravery to see a fertility doctor about having it reversed. He called as I was leaving the appointment:
Him: you done yet?
Me: yeah, he said he can’t reverse it. He gave me orders I can take to the lab to see if I’m a candidate for IVF.
Him: okay. Hey can you grab me some lunch on your way home? And that was as far as that ever went.
That was a big one, but I honestly can’t think of a time I have voiced a concern, a need or a want and any change was made... literally. And y’all I’m clear, concise. And I don’t need a whole lot. I don’t need him doing house work, or even “helping” with the kids. If something is broken I can fix it myself. I don’t need more money... I just want my happiness to be as prioritized as his. And by my happiness I mean my actual happiness not just my response to what he wants to provide. A prime example of our marriage is our sex life. I rarely orgasam with him. I have clearly and plainly told him and SHOWN him what feels good and what doesn’t. Even in the midst of it I can ask for this or that, but I get what he wants. And when he’s finished it’s finished. He’ll argue sometimes “well I can keep going.” But he doesn’t, and when he does he makes it painfully obvious he has no interest in continuing. But yet he gets upset because I’m “not into it.” Im the problem, it’s my fault, I should do something different. (I have NO issues by myself 🤷🏼‍♀️). He should also totally be able to be a jerk all day, and still get top notch action at the drop of a hat. With no effort on his part, wether I’m sick/tired or generally feel like an unattractive blob. It doesn’t matter. He wants it, he gets it. How he wants it, and I better respond accordingly or get ready for at least a day of awfulness.
But outside of sex it’s basically the same. This past year I went over 6 months living on ONE compliment. And again, I ASKED for them...nothing. I’m pretty average sized, but lost a good bit of weight this year. He finally noticed one day while I was changing and then that conversation was him: have you lost weight? Me: yeah like 30 lbs! Him: ahh yeah you’re going to need a boob job. And sincerely couldn’t see why that would upset me. These are all fairly simple examples, but maybe you get it.
I’ve spent a lot of years trying to get him to SEE the damage it’s causing. I’ve told him countless times that I knew if things didn’t change I would get past the point of repair. Nothing has ever changed things. The last probably two years I’ve just been trying to focus on the life that we have. I mean a lot of marriages are based just on that right? We have a good life, it’s okay that he doesn’t love me. Just make the best of it. I’ve just about stopped speaking up. I remember one of the last real conversations we had when I told him “I’m just going to stop trying now. Knowing you know how I feel, and that you don’t care enough to fix it is just too much. It’s probably just better that I stop caring too.” That being said I sent him a text in October plainly spelling out specific things, and ending it with “I’m going to end up past the point of no return. Seriously I need you to hear me.Things have to change.” I got a “sorry” text back and things remained status quo.
I should note that he’s pretty hands off with the children. Two of them are highly active in sports. Several months ago a man on one of the teams started pursuing me. It took me a minute to realize it at all, but when I did we realized he didn’t know I was married. Only a few people on the team did... and we had been traveling with them for months. I also didn’t have a ring. I have asked for one for years, but he’s never seen it as a priority. Occasionally I’d buy a fake one, and wear it until it turned or the stone fell out. I stopped caring a long time ago. My husband didn’t care about that man, he thought it was funny. I said I worked as an RN... I left the hospital after making multiple reports about a doctor who was harassing me. Grabbing me, touching me, telling me he wanted me to have his children! He grabbed me in an empty hallway one day and tried to kiss me. DH laughed hysterically when I called him in a panic about it. When he pulled me by my coat onto his crotch, it was just as funny.
At any rate everything came to a head the end of November. My oldest two daughters (trying to be funny-ish) put “step daddy” on their Christmas lists. I talked with my oldest and she said “I don’t understand why you don’t just leave him. You don’t have to stay with him!” We had a long talk, and when we were done I went to him and told him I couldn’t do it anymore. That we needed to get through Christmas and then at the least separate. Since then we have gone to counseling a few times. And he has been “trying” ie: he has been up my butt. He calls 12 times a day, comes home for lunch and wants to “just talk” all of the time. When he’d normally find any and every excuse to stay gone all day every day he is here ALL OF THE FREAKING TIME. He is being nice, he’s saying sweet things. Scratching my back, playing with my hair, even helping around the house. PLAYING WITH THE KIDS! He says he is fighting for our marriage. I feel like he is fighting for HIM. He’s refused a separation, no matter how many times I’ve said that’s what I need. And I now have a giant wedding ring, that I’ve said many times I don’t want. But now every day he grabs my hand and smiles real big to say “yeah all of those other guys see this rock and know to back off right?!” It’s become obvious he thinks I was cheating and that’s why I wanted to leave. He’s reminding me of a patients mother I had. The patient stayed on life support for two years. But the mother showed up every day and bathed her, massaged her, did her hair and nails and devoted hours to “taking care of her”... while she literally rotted away. 
I don’t know what I need here. I keep debating if it’s worth it to leave. But I know in a “perfect world” that’s what I want. But I know He’s going to make life miserable if I do. My kids will lose their stability. And really we do have a good life, and he is a good man. And even though I know his “change” is at best temporary, and is for HIM, to meet his own needs, maybe that’s enough. You know, there isn’t love and admiration. But a good life with a good man who is still a self centered and probably a narcissist but is at least putting in some work that can be enough?


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

His good behavior is only temporary. 

Once he reverts back to his old ways your decision to divorce will be easier. 

But don't leave it up to him as you do with virtually everything else in your life including having your tubes tied against your own will. 

Time to start thinking and deciding for yourself, however difficult that will be.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Can you carry on with the Marriage Counselling and see how things go for a few months?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He thinks because he married you to make you an honest woman, he is the boss. You are not going to change him. I mean, don't even delude yourself that that will happen. Geez, everyone knows how much safer a vasectomy is than a tubal and it's usually reversible. You were steamrolled by this guy because of the situation. And your family for that matter, and his. You're a full grown woman now, a mature woman, and you know your own mind, and you may as well not HAVE your own mind as long as you're with this guy. He's not going to change. If you want change, you'll need to file for it. You'll always have him in your life because of the kids, but you'll be your own boss as long as you don't jump right into another relationship or choose someone like him when you do.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Mama4 said:


> I don’t know what I need here. I keep debating if it’s worth it to leave. But I know in a “perfect world” that’s what I want. But I know He’s going to make life miserable if I do. My kids will lose their stability. And really we do have a good life, and he is a good man. And even though I know his “change” is at best temporary, and is for HIM, to meet his own needs, maybe that’s enough. You know, there isn’t love and admiration. But a good life with a good man who is still a self centered and probably a narcissist but is at least putting in some work that can be enough?


I'm sorry, but your husband doesn't sound like a good or nice man; he sounds like a colossal [email protected]$$ to me, and for him to tout himself as "Godly" is kind of a laugh. I work with a LOT of religious people, mostly men, and I tell you they're kind. They treat everyone with respect and speak with kindness. 

So, in a perfect world you KNOW you want to leave, you know you're not happy with him and you know that he's changing for himself (probably to save face at his church), and that his changes are temporary. So say he changes and those changes stick for a year or 2. In a couple of years, do you really want to be in the same spot you're in now? Or, would you rather take a running start at some happiness? And to answer your question, no, it's not enough for anyone to stay in a life with a "good" man who is self-centered and a narcissist. I don't know why anyone would even consider it.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Mama4 said:


> At any rate everything came to a head the end of November. My oldest two daughters (trying to be funny-ish) put “step daddy” on their Christmas lists. I talked with my oldest and she said “I don’t understand why you don’t just leave him. You don’t have to stay with him!” . . .
> 
> . . .My kids will lose their stability.


It doesn't sound like this is a concern to your kids.


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