# Feel like I just failed a self-imposed test. SO MAD. Help!



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

All that talk I did on jonny's thread about not looking for approval, and I just did the same thing, and set myself up for letdown and anger.

I wrote an article for a group that I do part-time writing for.
It means a lot to me when my H reads what I write, especially since he claims to be interested in the topics.

So he woke up at 2pm, I was just finishing up.
I said "honey, I want you to read the thing I told you about yesterday."
(approval-seeking!!!)
he said "not today."
I said "ok not today...what are you doing today?"
him "nothing until the xyz at 5."
me "well then you do have time."
(pushing!)
him "no I'm not doing any work today!"
me "it's not work, it's 3 paragraphs."

at this point I accidentally bumped his head with the fridge door, AND slammed the door on his finger (I know, way to multi-task)
so he exploded "F-in A, honey! Jesus Christ! Can't you just leave me be?!?"
so I walked out, said "I said I was sorry, it was an accident" and left the house to go for a walk.
He said "enjoy your walk" without looking at me.

I am mad AT ME because:
I directly asked for something from him that I wasn't secure he would want to give me, so I felt hurt by an unmet expectation.
I *want* him to *want* to read the 3-paragraph article.
I feel slighted when he acts like it's a chore. 
I went "needy" on him and he felt pushed and pressured, and then he reacted with anger, yelling and cussing.
(I can understand cussing when your hand gets slammed in a door, of course).

I'm more mad at myself because of the posture and role I took:
"read my article! Care! Value me! Show me it's a pleasure, not a chore!"
and let down/hurt by him for seeming so disinterested.

I feel like these kinds of incidents are setbacks in the overall progress.

I do think I handled his yelling and cussing well---I walked away, left the house.

But the underlying pattern that I'm desperate to change, is there whether it's in the form of him yelling, or just shrugging me off.
The shrugging me off led to him yelling at me to "just leave him be."
so I did.

What now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> All that talk I did on jonny's thread about not looking for approval, and I just did the same thing, and set myself up for letdown and anger.
> 
> I wrote an article for a group that I do part-time writing for.
> It means a lot to me when my H reads what I write, especially since he claims to be interested in the topics.
> ...


There are many other people here more experienced that I am so feel free to take this with a grain of salt. I think that the best thing that you can do is apologize for the mistake of hurting him with the door and then do a better job of pushing stuff on him in the furture. I know that it's hard but you need to train yourself. Do this after he has calmed down, of course. I find that I need to do the same thing at times. You need to give yourself about 5 seconds during an exchange like what just happened to say, "Am I pushing this on him? Am I respecting what he wants to do right now?"
It is hard because you are essentially denying your initial instinct. Again, I am still working on this with my wife in certain situations. Good luck.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Youre right, O...
It's about being mindful instead of trying to get something from him...
I did already apologize for the door thing, so I hesitate to repeat that--it might constitute my "owning his reaction."
on the good side, I feel like it was defused by me just walking away.
I don't freaking know. These things are so stupid and leave me feeling so stupid.
I truly wonder if the best thing is to just say nothing about it and act like nothing happened.
Because very little did "happen."
I'm just mad at myself, and my H brushed me off and yelled/cussed.
---boo to all of that 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Youre right, O...
> It's about being mindful instead of trying to get something from him...
> I did already apologize for the door thing, so I hesitate to repeat that--it might constitute my "owning his reaction."
> on the good side, I feel like it was defused by me just walking away.
> ...



You know your situation and your hubby. If you think that falling back and not saying anything is a good move then go with that. So, if he feels like it's an issue and wants to talk about it, he can do that. And yes, these things can leave you feeling stupid that you were a part of it. Again, I've been there too.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

God, if I knew, I wouldn't post here. I don't know s***.
but I really appreciate your reply.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> God, if I knew, I wouldn't post here. I don't know s***.
> but I really appreciate your reply.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're welcome. FWIW, just when it seems like I get a decent handle on things, something pops up. (Do you feel like that?) Sometimes it's self-inflicted, sometimes it's not. I am constantly striving to respond better regardless of the source of the disturbance. Some days are better than others with respect to my response though.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

yes, that is exactly how I feel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> yes, that is exactly how I feel.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just know that you are not alone. Also, I found that in my own situation, I took things REALLY personally that had little or nothing to do with me. But when something hurts you, that natural response is to take it personally. That being said, you shouldn't take your hubby's not wanting to read the article right then as a slight against you or your work. 

Tha being said, I really think that this is a small thing that barely a blip on his radar.


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

Orion said:


> You're welcome. FWIW, just when it seems like I get a decent handle on things, something pops up. (Do you feel like that?) Sometimes it's self-inflicted, sometimes it's not. I am constantly striving to respond better regardless of the source of the disturbance. Some days are better than others with respect to my response though.


:iagree:
Wow, I guess that's the sentiment this week!!! O you are soo right.... great one week thinking why the hell did I marry him the next! Cred,I'm looking to you for guidance!!! So if you get ANY in site PLEASE post it!!...(or you to O!!!) Don't know if ya saw my post today on "mentally ill" but I REALLY need to learn to respond better too!! I don't know about you but my h really knows how to push my buttons and I can't retrain myself (EVERYTHING I learned from counseling and books just fly out the window!!)


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Orion said:


> Just know that you are not alone. Also, I found that in my own situation, I took things REALLY personally that had little or nothing to do with me. But when something hurts you, that natural response is to take it personally. That being said, you shouldn't take your hubby's not wanting to read the article right then as a slight against you or your work.
> 
> Tha being said, I really think that this is a small thing that barely a blip on his radar.


You're right about needing to not take it personally.
I got home and he said "I'm sorry I snapped at you" and we hugged/kissed. 
then I said "you will read my article, right?" (i'm not yet broken of the approval-seeking with him).
He said "at some point, sure."
sigh
that has to be good enough for now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> then I said "you will read my article, right?" (i'm not yet broken of the approval-seeking with him).


Creda, you were doing great until the point above! (kidding)
Hey, Rome wasn't built in a day. The important thing is that it was a minor hiccup.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Orion said:


> Creda, you were doing great until the point above! (kidding)
> Hey, Rome wasn't built in a day. The important thing is that it was a minor hiccup.


I know. 

I can't help the reality that it is important to me that he reads the stuff I write.
(except posts here on TAM )
for two reasons:
i1. t makes me feel supported by him.
2. Plus the stuff I write is all stuff he *claims* is important in his life (it's religious articles, and we're both involved in our religion, met through a big church event, he works in the church, etc. You get it)
so it means a lot to me that he read my stuff.
But when I push, he resists, so nobody wins.
It's much better when he's interested sincerely, not because I'm asking for it.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> You're right about needing to not take it personally.
> I got home and he said "I'm sorry I snapped at you" and we hugged/kissed.
> then I said "you will read my article, right?" (i'm not yet broken of the approval-seeking with him).
> He said "at some point, sure."
> ...



Yeah for happy endings...now maybe can learn to how not ta push the point!!! lol :smthumbup:


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I know.
> 
> I can't help the reality that it is important to me that he reads the stuff I write.
> (except posts here on TAM )
> ...


:smthumbup:


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Now that things calmed down, you sit down and think about the whole situation and learn from it.

You essentially tried to _force _him to read your article _now_. He didn't feel like it. You have to choose what is more important to you: 

1. him reading it _now now_, at your dictum as a chore, to essentially please you (irrelevant whether he is actually interested in your article)

or 

2. him genuinely wanting to read it when he feels like it, for the sake of the article.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

>>You essentially tried to force him to read your article now. He didn't feel like it. You have to choose what is more important to you:<<

This is a symptom of "how can this relationship between us make ME happy"

Those type of things never work - and communicate weakness.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Conrad said:


> >>You essentially tried to force him to read your article now. He didn't feel like it. You have to choose what is more important to you:<<
> 
> This is a symptom of "how can this relationship between us make ME happy"
> 
> Those type of things never work - and communicate weakness.


Yup.
And like reachingshore said, I prefer option 2: he *wants* to read it out of his genuine interest.
Inside, I'm afraid that he won't. 

Guess I wont know for sure unless I back off...?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> *I can't help* the reality that it is important to me that he reads the stuff I write.
> (except posts here on TAM )
> for two reasons:
> i1. t makes me feel supported by him.
> 2. Plus the stuff I write is all stuff he *claims* is important in his life (it's religious articles, and we're both involved in our religion, met through a big church event, he works in the church, etc. You get it)


AH! But herein lies the rub. "I can't ..." is almost always another way of really saying "I won't ....", so in your statement above what you are really saying is that you are unwilling to deal with the fact that you set him up to HAVE TO read your stuff. You can help it, actually, Creda. You could have self-worth and self-satisfaction in your work ON YOUR OWN without his approval. But instead, you make him responsible for your self-acceptance and WON'T change that. And I say this in the tone of voice that is gentle and showing you...not in that judgmental way. I hope you see it. 

So issue #1--
YOU want him to read the article so YOU feel good and have *completely discounted him and what he wants*. He very clearly stated to you that he wanted to do "...no work today" and that was his way of saying "no." In stating that, he was not snarky or angry, but stated his reality and request clearly and factually. So you tell me: is it really a "request" to read your article if he has no freedom to say "no"? Or is it a demand? And how do people react to demands? Embrace them enthusiastically or resist? 

Creda, here is an example of possibly a better way to handle it: 

You write an article and you are proud of it. You'd like to share that feeling with your husband. So a) tell him how YOU feel and b) make a respectful request: 

a) "Oh hi honey. I just finished that article I was working on about XYZ. Remember we were talking about it last night? Well I just got done and I am really proud of my work. I'd like to share it with you!"
b) "So I'd like to request that you take a minute and read it? Is this a convenient time for you?" 

At that point, if it truly is a request (and not a demand) he is free to say "Sure let me drop everything and do that right now" "Yes in a moment when I'm done dressing" or "No not really" but then offer a time that is convenient or an alternative. If he says "No" and doesn't make any counter offer, you can say: "Oh okay. Is there a time that would be better for you to read it or maybe some other option?" Then you keep at it until both of you are enthusiastically saying "Okay cool that works for me" and NOT because he was bullied into agreeing with you. 

Right now, he has to either agree to your demand, or you push and pressure him to do what YOU want while completely discounting what HE wants. 

Issue #2--
It sounds like you maybe have a lower self-esteem or self-worth, at least as it regards your writing ability. To soothe your concerns about "Am I a good writer?" rather than building your own value and working with yourself to change your views of you. You have been doing some really good work getting to where you are and being as aware of the dynamic, but now it's time for you to take the reins of personal responsibility and YOU be responsible for YOUR feelings of self-worth and emotions, rather than actings as if another person is responsible for that. YOU choose to "need approval" and Creda--you CAN help going to another person to get the approval that is internal and self-produced. I think the issue here is learning to love yourself enough to know that what you wrote was GOOD and has a content that will bless others. 

And yeah--I like to share the good stuff I write here and on our site with my Dear Hubby too, but I don't REQUIRE it. I know that I have a really personal writing style (rather than an academic, impersonal style) and I know that my stuff is friendly and blesses people. My Dear Hubby doesn't "have to" read my good replies for me to have confidence in myself. Of course, I *like* it when he reads it and makes a :smthumbup: comment--but then it is given freely and means so much more.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> AH! But herein lies the rub. "I can't ..." is almost always another way of really saying "I won't ....", so in your statement above what you are really saying is that you are unwilling to deal with the fact that you set him up to HAVE TO read your stuff. You can help it, actually, Creda. You could have self-worth and self-satisfaction in your work ON YOUR OWN without his approval. But instead, you make him responsible for your self-acceptance and WON'T change that. And I say this in the tone of voice that is gentle and showing you...not in that judgmental way. I hope you see it.
> 
> So issue #1--
> YOU want him to read the article so YOU feel good and have *completely discounted him and what he wants*. He very clearly stated to you that he wanted to do "...no work today" and that was his way of saying "no." In stating that, he was not snarky or angry, but stated his reality and request clearly and factually. So you tell me: is it really a "request" to read your article if he has no freedom to say "no"? Or is it a demand? And how do people react to demands? Embrace them enthusiastically or resist?
> ...


Affaircare, thanks for taking the time to write such a thoughtful response to me. I'm responding in particular to each point you made...

1. Definitely, people respond better to a request than a demand. I came across as pressuring him. He wants me to be content with the response: "sure I'll read it, at some point." 

2. About my motivations for wanting/"needing" him to read my stuff. It's not a lack of confidence in my writing ability. It goes a little deeper in terms of audience and "value" of what I'm writing, and I hope I explain it clearly. Because you yourself are Christian and your writing is geared to a Christian audience, I hope you understand what I mean: 

I'm writing as part of a ministry to a specific audience. I met and married my husband in the context of that (religious) community, the audience that my writing targets. For someone to read what I write in that context says "I care what you have to say, and the topics you write about, re: living as a faithful part of this religious community are important to me." 
So it's important to me that he "cares what I have to say."

To put it more simply: If my own *husband* doesn't care enough to read it, what makes me think anyone out there in these churches will give a crap?!? 
Know what I mean?

I guess it's a matter of shared values:
I'm writing for (religious) educational purpose about values that were presupposed to be important to *both* of us when we got married in our church.
So it would make sense that my life partner would be interested in those values that we presupposed to share.

If I were writing about a topic that has nothing to do with HIS life (or religious faith), I may not care as much that he read it.

3. I feel supported by him when he cares enough to read something I wrote. Just like he feels supported when I show up at this event tonight *at the church* that he's participating in, even though it is completely not my cuppa tea.

I hope that makes sense, AC. Thank you again...I really value your perspective on this question, as someone who writes in a Christian ministry context.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> 1. Definitely, people respond better to a request than a demand. I came across as pressuring him. He wants me to be content with the response: "sure I'll read it, at some point."


The way I understand this, you should be.



> 3. I feel supported by him when he cares enough to read something I wrote.


Great! So would I  It's fantastic when my husband is actively interested in what I do. But why does it have to be _now, this moment_?

On one hand you want him to be genuinely interested, on the other you try to force him to be interested _now_. If you want it to be genuine on his part, don't expect it to be a flip switch reaction from him (you flipping the switch).


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I actually didn't ask him to read it NOW.

I actually said "sometime."

I only said "well, you're not busy now" AFTER i felt brushed off by his response of "not today."

it goes both ways in this cycle: when one of us feels pushed (him, just pushed; me, pushed AWAY or brushed off), each of us will respond by pushing even more against the other.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Am I just demanding? I think he should have read the article and I think it's natural to want approval from our spouses. It's an easy way for him to offer you positive feelings about yourself and your relationship with him.

Saying that, I write often and my husband is not a wordy person. So if I am to bring it to him he says sure but asks me to read it out loud. Maybe next time ask him if it's alright for you to read it out loud because you're looking for feedback and critique.

My husband listens and his feedback is always helpful. Yes, I'm looking for approval as well but I'm also looking for support in the things that I love to do. I don't see anything wrong with that if it's mutual. If fact, I think it's a great way to strengthen the relationship.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Being demanding? Absolutely not. In a relationship one tends to expect unconditional support, right? Your husband, Creda, said he would read the article.

Him being the other part of a couple, shouldn't he be given unconditional acceptance? He doesn't feel like reading the article now, or today, but he let you know he will. Shouldn't he expect your acceptance?

If there was a deadline - e.g. you have to submit that article later today - that's another matter.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

There was a deadline. I already had submitted it.

Sure, I'd love him to read something before I submit it.

His reading my stuff carries meaning for me:

1. We're on the same page, haha no pun intended (shared values, like I said in my response to affaircare)
2. He cares.

If i don't push, I swear he wouldn't bother.

I'm published. I have 2 short books already out, one in publication, and have written articles. 
He talks a big talk about how proud he is of me, his "great writer" wife, his "published writer" wife. He loves to brag about that, and how he wants me to keep my maiden name so it'll be "recognized" blah blah blah
HE'S the one who told me to write that article the other night; I had said I would search for something already written by someone "more credible," and he said "Why don't YOU do it? You know your stuff!"
It's like he loves inviting the positive attention (in our narrow audience and circle), but when it comes down to actually *seeing* and appreciating it for himself, he acts like it's an inconvenience. 
I don't get it.
Maybe he brags about my accomplishments so he won't "have to" actually read what I write. Like, "see? I do think you're great. Now get off my back and don't bug me."
I'd rather have him actually read it, let me know it's valuable to him, and never go out calling me a "rock star" (which he does). To me, that's just artificial.

Wow. I don't like where my mind is going with all of this. I've been drinking a glass of wine over the past 20 minutes, must've gone to my head. How 'bout that.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

> If i don't push, I swear he wouldn't bother.


Hmm.. so this is at the core? In essence he is not interested at all in anything you do? He just likes to brag about your accomplishments?

Cut him off. Don't tell him what you do. Don't seek his advice, approval. Let him begin wondering what you do once you completely stop the information stream.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

reachingshore said:


> Hmm.. so this is at the core? In essence he is not interested at all in anything you do? He just likes to brag about your accomplishments?
> 
> Cut him off. Don't tell him what you do. Don't seek his advice, approval. Let him begin wondering what you do once you completely stop the information stream.


I don't know if it's at the core of his true feelings, but it is at the core of my insecurity.
And the advice you give me is part of what I supposedly have been trying to do in terms of "cooling down my temperature." (other threads)
I just would love to have this insecurity proven wrong.
And the "cool-down" theory implies that he'll start caring a bit more, when I stop caring quite so much.
It sucks that I feel I have to cool down to see if he really cares or not.
Deep down (well maybe not that deep), I'm afraid he just doesn't care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Seems to me it should be much simpler. She wasn't asking him to read a 10 page paper on embolisms that he wouldn't understand, enjoy or be able to offer helpful criticism on. She was asking him for 10 minutes of his time, if that. 

Here's the kicker, I'm sure you wanted him to want to read it rather than feel as if it's a chore for him to read it that he says he'll read sometime. I mean, will he actually read it sometime or is that his way of giving an excuse to never have to read it at all?

If he asked you to read a 3 paragraph paper he wrote (or fill this in with some other similar hobby that he enjoys that he asked for you to look over) would you do it immediately? -or- at least say...not now hun because I'm busy doing this but as soon as I'm done...etc.

If she would, why can't she expect him to offer up the same support she would offer to him? It's not like she was asking him to clean the bathroom.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Creda, are you insecure or longing for a closer relationship with your significant other? There is a difference. You seem secure in your ability to write for sure. It seems the insecurity is actually in the strength and commitment of the relationship. In this case, who would be secure?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Trenton said:


> Creda, are you insecure or longing for a closer relationship with your significant other? There is a difference. You seem secure in your ability to write for sure. It seems the insecurity is actually in the strength and commitment of the relationship. In this case, who would be secure?


It is the latter, you are right.

I appreciate your support...
He was still feeling under the weather today.

He did say something tonight that made me feel better:

"Tomorrow, while you're driving to xyz," (5-hour drive) "I'll read your article in the car."

I know I shouldn't be uber-dependent on him for my feelings, but that did make me feel good.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> It is the latter, you are right.
> 
> I appreciate your support...
> He was still feeling under the weather today.
> ...


Don't know, I'm all for co-dependence but that could be why they won't let me be a marriage counselor 

That was sweet of him. After he says that...lead him to a quiet place and give him the best head ever. That's positive reinforcement!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Trenton said:


> Don't know, I'm all for co-dependence but that could be why they won't let me be a marriage counselor
> 
> That was sweet of him. After he says that...lead him to a quiet place and give him the best head ever. That's positive reinforcement!


Trenton, 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

credam,

From a lot of posts, I get the feeling that you want your husband's approval, you feel hurt that you don't get it. 

If we care too much about other people's good comments, if we need other people's acknowledgment to feel good, it shows we lack self-confidence, it also bring us stress.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> credam,
> 
> From a lot of posts, I get the feeling that you want your husband's approval, you feel hurt that you don't get it.
> 
> If we care too much about other people's good comments, if we need other people's acknowledgment to feel good, it shows we lack self-confidence, it also bring us stress.


I'm doing everything I can.
The insecurity I feel about my marriage is a reflection of the dynamic between the two of us.
If making my own changes can create a more positive relationship where I don't feel so insecure, then that would be great.
It is a process. I hope for the best with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

He read it, but had a negative attitude that bordered on judgmental.
I just don't get it, and I'm tired of it.
Ok, so if I hadn't pushed in the first place, maybe he wouldn't get all negative..?
I'll stop pushing, and start pulling back, and we'll see what he does.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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