# could you forgive?



## Feeling-Lonely (Nov 13, 2013)

my husband has hurt me in the past due to his drinking and bad temper but it looks like we are working through those issues. The problem is if we do end up happy together will my family forgive him his past behavior ? 

Have you? Would you if it happened with your sibling?


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Feeling-Lonely said:


> my husband has hurt me in the past due to his drinking and bad temper but it looks like we are working through those issues. The problem is if we do end up happy together will my family forgive him his past behavior ?
> 
> Have you? Would you if it happened with your sibling?


Their ability to forgive him depends heavily upon your verbal and body language. Let the past reside in the past. Brush aside any familial communication that attempts to dredge up the past.

Have I? Of course. Others know what is in their best interest. I don't impress my needs onto siblings. Similarly, I don't accept the supposed relationship needs from them.

Relationship Teacher


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes, I could forgive a person who truly changed.

A lot of people with those problems will never change. Some do. I've known people who have.

How long has he been behaving in a better manner?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I could forgive someone who really changed, but real change is pretty rare. 

If he got drunk and hit you, he should swear off of ever drinking again. Not as punishment, but because drinking caused him to hurt someone he loved, and he should never take that chance again.


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## Feeling-Lonely (Nov 13, 2013)

Well I went to visit my family back in April when we were having big issues. I was thinking of leaving. Since then I don't allow myself complete trust just yet. I have a plan b in a far corner of my mind what would I do if we did break up. 

We recently started talking about having kids and he said he would cut off drinking for a month before trying and also we have discussed that voice raising is not acceptable in front of a child or a pregnant wife. 

He hasn't quit drinking yet and I would only have a child with him if he scaled back to only two beers a night. No drinking when we try for a child and two beers tops a night when the child is here if he feels the need to drink at all.

We are talking about those things since I feel we have been better lately. No blow out fights, just a little moodiness now and then. For instance I wanted to go to Europe for our anniversary he doesn't because he doesn't agree with the direction Europe is going politically. I don't either but I would like to keep my family and politics seperatly and not fight about it.

So yes not out of the woods quite yet but talking about our problems.

I mentioned the conversation about possible child to my sisters and they are very upset.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

I've seen a few folks truly change for the long term and they are worth forgiving. I don't think it's all that common though. It's also uncommon for folks to be able to accurately distinguish real change from fake change in real time. 
It's all too common for guys like your husband to throw out some temporary change and for the two of you to mistake it for the real deal. How perceptive are you? 
If he's going to realize true change then he needs to author it and own it instead of you placing beer quotas on him. Good luck.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Feeling-Lonely said:


> I mentioned the conversation about possible child to my sisters and they are very upset.


And for very good reason. I wouldn't get in a hurry to have a kid with this guy until he shows a good track record of getting things together. That will take time.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Are you crazy? Get it down to two beers a night? If your husband is an alcoholic, he's an alcoholic. 

If you want to know whether he is or not, ask him to stop and go cold turkey for 6 months. He doesn't want to? There's your answer!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Feeling-Lonely said:


> Well I went to visit my family back in April when we were having big issues. I was thinking of leaving. Since then I don't allow myself complete trust just yet. I have a plan b in a far corner of my mind what would I do if we did break up.
> 
> We recently started talking about having kids and he said he would cut off drinking for a month before trying and also we have discussed that voice raising is not acceptable in front of a child or a pregnant wife.
> 
> ...


Your plan of 2 beers a night for a month then you will consider having a baby makes no sense at all.

If he has a drinking problem, it needs to be no drinking at all for at least a year. And then no drinking again, ever again.

If he's being abusive verbally and/or physically it needs to be a year of no abuse along with some serious anger management classes and counseling.

What you are suggesting will not work because it does not actually require him to change but for a short while. You think it does. But in actually it does not. All he has to do is get you pregnant, then he will most likely revert. Why? Because you will be more vulnerable than ever before in your life.

In your original post on this thread, I thought you meant that he had already done the work and had been sober and in control for some time now.


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## BBF (May 21, 2015)

Don't have kids with this man until he's been completely dry for a year and attends AA meetings. I'm dealing with a drunk wife who PROMISED just two glasses of wine a night. Now she's up to 2 bottles,or more, and my life is a special hell every day. Drunks just don't or can't "cut back" and they don't keep promises.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Alcoholism is extremely debilitating over time. It affects everything.

The marriage, kids, etc. 

Not to mention the physical effects on the user.

An alcoholic cant just have a couple beers! It's an addiction. 

There's nothing worse than an older drunk. They'll start p!ssing the bed, throw up on you, etc.

If he can't get into AA and kick it you have no future here. 

People can forgive but most who have been around this know the longterm outcome. 

Your family probably sees what your future holds. It's the reality long term that they have a problem with. You need to think this through thoroughly.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Having been raised with a lot of alcohol abuse in my family, either they stay dry forever or there is no hope. Please don't have a child with this man until he stops drinking for more than two years 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Feeling-Lonely (Nov 13, 2013)

Wow those were some strong comments ...

So you think that two beers a night Is still out of control and is killing him? He doesn't drink hard liquor. People who commented, do you drink, how much do you drink and what do you drink?

You got to understand that right now it is 4to 6 beers a night so down to two would be a dream come true . 

In all I dont think his bad temper is a result from drinking it is a separate issue he gas always been hot headed And emotional about some things.

I am not having kids till I feel safe that his drinking isn't going to progress for worst. In other departments of his life he is very dedicated and successful. Meaning, if he wants something done he will make it happen. Thanks for replays though and I thought my sisters were being dramatic..


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

My sister drank two beers a night for years. Had to have those beers. And finally realized she was an alcoholic.

I think you need some higher standards, my friend. The no drinking for a year along with AA would be the minimum for me. Maybe a couple years. Children are a lot of work and change your life forever.

Please, make it easy on yourself and wait until he truly reforms.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Feeling-Lonely said:


> my husband has hurt me in the past due to his drinking and bad temper but it looks like we are working through those issues. The problem is if we do end up happy together will my family forgive him his past behavior ?
> 
> Have you? Would you if it happened with your sibling?


Only time will tell...

A lot will depend on whether your H has given up drinking and sought professional help for his anger issues. But mainly, it will depend on how seriously he wants to change.

If your H turns his life around, I see no reason why he shouldn't be forgiven you you and your family.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Feeling-Lonely said:


> my husband has hurt me in the past due to his drinking and bad temper but it looks like we are working through those issues. The problem is if we do end up happy together will my family forgive him his past behavior ?
> 
> Have you? Would you if it happened with your sibling?


It might take a long time for them to trust him, to think he's changed or to think he's good enough for you.

If they are like me then they'll forgive soon enough but will be waiting for him to prove whether he's worth their time or thought.


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

> Originally Posted by Feeling-Lonely View Post
> my husband has hurt me in the past due to his drinking and bad temper but it looks like we are working through those issues. The problem is if we do end up happy together will my family forgive him his past behavior ?
> 
> Have you? Would you if it happened with your sibling?


How are you, Feeling-Lonely?


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## RockSteady1 (Feb 5, 2016)

I don't think it's possible for someone who is dependent on any substance to just "cut back." Eventually they will just slip back into old patterns. He needs help. AA or something, and counselling possibly. Make your home an alcohol free zone, that means you as well...or any friends who might think its ok to pop around with a bottle of wine or something. And I definitely wouldn't bring a baby into the situation. Not until he's been sober for a decent length of time (like 2 years or something).


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Yes the responses were strong, the question is where they strong enough. NO

I have meant some people who point blank refuse to touch alcohol or allow it in their home. They will tell anyone point blank I hurt people I love in the past while drinking and I will never allow myself even a remote possibility of doing it again. So they will go to events with alcohol even to a bar on occasion but will never drink. 

Yours and his responses sound like trying to minimize and bargain away the problem. Your solution will result in failure. In a year, two years, five years you will post the same opening, share the same the same solution, state it worked wonderfully, what a kind and gentle guy he is, how much you love him, how bad he feels about it, how it has been x years and close by asking should you try again, he really loves you. Repeat cycle. So the answer is real simple, no alcohol, no drugs, embrace only those things that shelter and promote a healthy relationship. 
@EleGirl among others on this forum can provide a great deal more insight then I. Also try going to an a support group for spouses and family members who have a love one who is an alcoholic. 

Oh, "hurt" most readers will assume at a min some physical pain (bent figure or wrist or rough handling) along with verbal demeaning and post accordingly. Note bent figure or right cross to jaw no difference in intent. Please clarify.


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## TheMoon (Feb 3, 2016)

Can they forgive? Sure, if they aren't the grudgy type.


I do think he is self medicating for something. The two beers a night won't last. It eventually escalates. My husband had six beers a night before kids. Then it bumped up to 12. Then 18. Then the occasional 25-30. Then it would scale back a bit after a fight. But it never stops being an issue. He never quite has conttol over it. I just stated a few days ago he needed to scale back again. It didn't occur to him that 30 beers per night is a problem while caring for several young children. You will feel very lonely while raising your kids with an alcoholic. In order to cope in the marriage, you need a certain level of detachment. So be very very certain you can be happy being lonely and detached, because lonely and detached is the best case scenario. I wish I didn't know this first hand.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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