# marriage on the rocks.need help



## exhaustedandlost (Dec 17, 2014)

I have been married for 12 years. Its been up and down for some time now, but i dearly love my wife and do not want to leave her. Early on we tried to have kids, but my wife could not get pregnant. We did all the fertility treatments to no avail. My wife was very depressed until we adopted a beautiful little boy. Things were great until 7 years ago, my wifes mom died. As you can imagine, she wss devistated. She suffered severe depression for quite some time and it is still an issue today. After her momsdeath she pushed me away. After 2 years she told me she was not happy and wanted a divorce. I tried to work through it, but eventually seperated. After about 6 months, we got back together. Things were good for about 6 months, but eventually the same problems started. Lack of intimacy, emotionally distant, she just wasnt happy and didnt know how to be happy. So after about 2 years we sepperated again. I was done at this point. I even bought a house. This lasted about 6 months and then she wanted to try again. Reluctantly, i decided to give it another try. Now after 2 years she tells me that she loves me dearly but can give me the happiness that i deserve. She says that i should find someone that will treat me right. So i ask her does she want me to move out. She says no. She loves me but doesnt know if she will ever be emotionally there for me. I know she has never recoverred from losing her mom, but i dont know what to do. If i leave again, i will not come back. Twice is enough. If shell get counseling, i will hang in for a little longer. Any advice would greatly appreciated


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

sounds more than just plain grief. definitely needs more professional medical help.

you say "If" she'll get counseling...has she been resisting seeking treatment? that's gotta be part of the deal


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Any tracks of infidelity on either side of this relationship? What kind of transparency do you have between the two of you?


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## exhaustedandlost (Dec 17, 2014)

She seems open to counceling. We just had this discussion in the last day or two, so its a little soon to know if she will go. She just graduated Nursing school.. Shes worried if she goes to counceling right away, it might get back to nursing board before she takes her test. This may just be a delay tactict. She is also not sure ifcounceling will help.


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## exhaustedandlost (Dec 17, 2014)

She cheated once a year ago. I dont think that is the issue now. We are pretty transparent now. I think she is just lost and at that time was just looking for any small moment of happiness. Maybe im just making excuses for her. I was packing my bags then, but she convinced me to stay


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

exhaustedandlost said:


> I have been married for 12 years. Its been up and down for some time now, but i dearly love my wife and do not want to leave her. Early on we tried to have kids, but my wife could not get pregnant. We did all the fertility treatments to no avail. My wife was very depressed until we adopted a beautiful little boy. Things were great until 7 years ago, my wifes mom died. As you can imagine, she wss devistated. She suffered severe depression for quite some time and it is still an issue today. After her momsdeath she pushed me away. After 2 years she told me she was not happy and wanted a divorce. I tried to work through it, but eventually seperated. After about 6 months, we got back together. Things were good for about 6 months, but eventually the same problems started. Lack of intimacy, emotionally distant, she just wasnt happy and didnt know how to be happy. So after about 2 years we sepperated again. I was done at this point. I even bought a house. This lasted about 6 months and then she wanted to try again. Reluctantly, i decided to give it another try. Now after 2 years she tells me that she loves me dearly but can give me the happiness that i deserve. She says that i should find someone that will treat me right. So i ask her does she want me to move out. She says no. She loves me but doesnt know if she will ever be emotionally there for me. I know she has never recoverred from losing her mom, but i dont know what to do. If i leave again, i will not come back. Twice is enough. If shell get counseling, i will hang in for a little longer. Any advice would greatly appreciated


Please urge your wife to attend individual counseling; a counselor that specializes in grief counseling would be a good idea.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

exhaustedandlost said:


> She cheated once a year ago. I dont think that is the issue now. We are pretty transparent now. I think she is just lost and at that time was just looking for any small moment of happiness. Maybe im just making excuses for her. I was packing my bags then, but she convinced me to stay


Were you separated at the time?

How long did the relationship last?

Did she confess to it or did you find out on your own?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

exhaustedandlost said:


> *She cheated once a year ago.* I dont think that is the issue now. We are pretty transparent now.


How did you deal with her infidelity? Did you do the serious work of reconciling your marriage or did you sweep it all under the rug?

Without more info, it sounds like the infidelity is still a big elephant in the room.

Sorry you're here.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

The average recovery time for infidelity is 2 to 5 years. It takes a least a year AFTER no contact for feelings for the AP to start to subside. Was it an EA or a PA? There is a very real possibility this affair trauma as well as the grief trauma are both unresolved. Your wife and you both are searching for emotional closure on these issues. Until both of you get it, you will remain stuck. Professional counseling is good. Affair resource that I used was www.affairrecovery.com which is a great balanced program. Coming here helps. 

Just an observation... you sound numb to the affair pain.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'd tell her that what the two of you are doing obviously isn't working, so it's time to try something new. Otherwise, you might as well get off the carnival ride.

C


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## exhaustedandlost (Dec 17, 2014)

She confessed only after i caught through text messages. It only happened once, but they had been talking for a couple of months. I wouldnt say i swepted it under the rug. We talked about it and tried to reconnect. Things got better for a while, but eventually deteriated to where they are now. Things are good between us as long as i dont try to get intimate. She wants no part of sex.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Yea... y'all have some unfinished business with that affair.


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## exhaustedandlost (Dec 17, 2014)

Maybe its time to call it quits for good. And when she comes back in 6 months, ill just have to b d strong and push her away.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Your wife is not depressed. She lost her mother, adopted a son, and had an affair. She is using the loss of her mother as an excuse. 

You said she just graduated from nursing school and doesn't want to go to counseling for fear that this will go on her record. I'm a university professor and we have a nursing program in my campus. This is not so. Your wife is definitely stalling you for her own personal reasons. Do not fall for her lies.

She comes in and out of your relationship. She did not confess to her sexual relationship, only when you caught her. Demand counseling if you wish to stay in the marriage. Do not move out of the house that you bought. Make her move out. Do not be charged for abandonment. 

In my opinion, your wife is not a keeper. How old are you and how old is your wife? If she just completed college, I would speculate that you are in your 20s or early 30s. This woman will give you only grief. I am a woman. She does not love you, but only staying for security.

Be a good man to yourself. Live a better life and get a better wife.


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## exhaustedandlost (Dec 17, 2014)

Well Roselyn, your not making me feel any better, but your probably right on the mark. Im 47 and my wife is 42. This is her 3rd careeer. Cant find onen that keeps her happy. Shes got other issues too. Both parents dead. She was raped in her teens. Shes on depression meds, ADHD meds, and migrane meds. I dont think she will ever be happy. I dont want to put my 10 year old through this again unless Im sure there is no hope. If she will do counseling, ill give it some time. But i think in my heart, i know its a lost cause.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Sorry Esxhaustedandlost about your situation. I have been a university professor and academic advisor or 28 years. I have listened and counseled students of all ages and all types of circumstances. I have taken formal courses in educational counseling, psychology, child development, and marriage & family counseling. My Department has a Marriage & Family Therapy program for certified counselors. I am 56 years old. I am married ongoing 35 years. 

I've had students who have lost parents at the same year, raped, abused, depressed, homeless, and presently teaching & advising a bi-polar disordered student. I've also lost students to the HIV virus (married & unmarried). However, I must say to you that none of these individuals gave an excuse that they cheated on their spouse (or significant other) because they were depressed and for reasons you gave for your wife. Some of my students are so worse off than your wife. Your wife is 42 years old and so old to be so irresponsible.

At 47 years of age, I would be focusing on myself so that you can take better care of your daughter. You should be planning for retirement instead of planning to survive another month. You are in a "fight or flee" situation. You can't sit on the fence. You will lose your mind. I can see why you are exhausted.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Adult child....


Welcome to Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

exhaustedandlost said:


> Maybe its time to call it quits for good. And when she comes back in 6 months, ill just have to b d strong and push her away.


Uhhh... she's not going to be back for another 6 months? How long has she been gone?

No offense, but it sounds like _she's_ already left _*you*_.


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## exhaustedandlost (Dec 17, 2014)

No. She is not gone. You need to reed original post. I have left her twice before. Both times after about 6 months, she convinced me to come back. Im saying its a pattern. If or should i say when i leave again, she willbe begging me to come back
In 6 months. I wont do it again. This is it if i leave again. If she goes to counceling, ill give it a month or two....maybe... Im pretty much done. Just hoping for a miracle i guess. I dont know why im still here. Lazy or stupid... Take your pick.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You are slowly losing your mind. I don't see you as lazy or stupid. I see you as fearful. 

You need to see a divorce lawyer to make sure that your legal rights are in place. You also need to see a clinical psychologist. I'm seeing you on the road to depression. Make yourself better and stronger, if not for you but for your daughter.


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