# Spice up the vanilla



## Bold&Honest (Oct 21, 2012)

I have been with my husband for five years married for one year. I grew up with a very openly sexual background and have admittedly been more adventerous in our sex life than he has been or ever wants to be. I sell sex toy products on the side from my full-time job and that is giving me more resources to push the boundaries. I have tried tying him up and he has tried tying me up I have asked for like spanking and hair pulling I want to have sex in more risqué places such as outside or in the car or up against the wall… Away from the bedroom! I find our sex life is starting to plateau and we aren't growing sexually as a couple. Any tips from men on how to push him out of the Mentality that if we aren't in the missionary position in our bed gazing lovingly into each other's eyes that we aren't having proper marital sex? I'm not asking for whips and chains I just really want a little bit more aggressiveness on his side because I find he's very lovey-dovey and sometimes that is very nice but sometimes I just want a little bit more assertive testosterone in the bedroom. Ladies any success stories? Need more info just let me know.
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## LearninAsWeGo (Oct 20, 2012)

Every guy wants a *****. He is just holding back.

If you are the more exp one, you have to progress it slow, though. Discuss fantasies after you have sex. Watch porn together (take turns picking it), and introduce stuff slowly. Role playing and bondage and threesomes are just out of some people's comfort zone, esp if they're not confident with their body. I'd say nearly everyone can be worked up to at least soft core rough sex, the basic sex toys, etc. Use your nasty mouth and tell him you're a bad girl, you want X, he's a bad boy, etc. Watch porn if you need some ideas for "sex talk."

You can try to "teach" on the advanced stuff, but unfortunately, you might have picked a partner who just has reservations about sex. I doubt it, though. My most experienced male buddy will always say "they're all trainable," but as a guy with significant experience myself, I haven't found that to be totally true. I have had some relationships where it was just too vanilla, and when I tried to spice it up, I felt like a perv making the girl uncomfortable. I ended those relationships rather than cheat elsewhere to get the kink stuff or pushing the more inexperienced and sexually conservative girls into things they weren't buying into. As a woman, though, you have more control of the sexual gatekeeping, and guys are almost invariably hornier than women. I would basically say that nearly all men are "trainable," but only some women are.

Basically this...
*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...en-but-women-can-chime-too-2.html#post1152568*


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## Bold&Honest (Oct 21, 2012)

I don't know how to explain it but he says that he doesn't really have any fantasies. Watching porn together isn't a bad idea, we have done it but nothing really clicked because we like different types of porn. I'm finding that I also need mental stimulation in the sense that I want him to maybe text me dirtier things or not necessarily say dirty things to me because sex talk doesn't do anything for me but hearing his sexual desires allowed hearing him be turned on by me... That sort of thing is what I'm really lacking in our relationship. I have asked him to spank me during sex and he finds it degrading as well as hair pulling he just feels like he isn't loving me but rather disrespecting me… I have explained to him that this isn't offensive to me but something that will actually turn me on and when he has tried it it has worked very very well. He also hate having sex doggy style because he can't see my face and feels like it is not very intimate at all. That is probably one of my favorite positions because for him to spank me pull my hair in that position is great it does wonderful things for me but he just refuses to do it. Its Frustrating because I have done things for him that I am uncomfortable with or don't love I have pushed my boundaries in areas that I was lacking and he is still resisting.
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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Wow, I wish I could get my wife to have sex in places other than the bed. Same place, same positions over and over again gets to be, well, kinda boring.


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## Bold&Honest (Oct 21, 2012)

I must admit that I am more of the male personality in our relationship… The fact that I want more outgoing sex and in various different ways has to do with my upbringing versus his and mostly because I'm a lot like my father… a switch.
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## homebuilder (Aug 25, 2012)

isn't it amazing how many couples are mismatched in the sex department. wait its not amazing its sad


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Not sure if you've done this but try pushing tiny steps forward. My hubby was pretty conservative initially but I kinda chuckle at what I've actually gotten him to try as the years we've been married have progressed.

For instance, when you're facing each other and you're having sex, take his hand and bring it up to your hair, wrapping your hand around his and guiding him to pull your hair. When he sees (and more importantly FEELS) your reaction, he's likely to want to continue down that path a little further. 

There are some men who have the sensitive man routine down pat but need to be guided down the 'take me rough, take me now' path.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Bold&Honest said:


> I don't know how to explain it but he says that he doesn't really have any fantasies. Watching porn together isn't a bad idea, we have done it but nothing really clicked because we like different types of porn. I'm finding that I also need mental stimulation in the sense that I want him to maybe text me dirtier things or not necessarily say dirty things to me because sex talk doesn't do anything for me but hearing his sexual desires allowed hearing him be turned on by me... That sort of thing is what I'm really lacking in our relationship. I have asked him to spank me during sex and he finds it degrading as well as hair pulling he just feels like he isn't loving me but rather disrespecting me… I have explained to him that this isn't offensive to me but something that will actually turn me on and when he has tried it it has worked very very well. He also hate having sex doggy style because he can't see my face and feels like it is not very intimate at all. That is probably one of my favorite positions because for him to spank me pull my hair in that position is great it does wonderful things for me but he just refuses to do it. Its Frustrating because I have done things for him that I am uncomfortable with or don't love I have pushed my boundaries in areas that I was lacking and he is still resisting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:








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## Kuryos (May 22, 2010)

You make him sound on the one hand as a romancer a love-maker, yet on the other, you say that you have done things for him that you haven't exactly liked. Not sure what to make of that but I will assume that it isn't actually contradictory.

Have you already considered/tried SERIOUS role play stuff, that really plays on the dominant<>submissive thing? It might be that your best prospect is to allow him to play-act in a role that he KNOWS is not the true him, that will allow him to down-play his natural inclination to feel awkward, self-conscious, embarrassed even? It would also allow him to know that it is something that he will not slip into when not 'in character'. It is always possible that there are elements of his normal character that he suppresses because it has been problematic to him in the past and he doesn't want to see 'released' again in any way or form. That would be an irony compared to just being the sort of character you normally associate him as being.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Give him a prostate massage. That'll loosen him up.


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