# Married 7 months and already worried about divorce!!



## MaryJane90 (May 24, 2015)

I'm gonna try to keep this long story as short as possible. My DH is very close with his family. I recently realized they are all incredibly passive aggressive and selfish (DH totally sees it now but never realized it before). His parents lied to my face several times to get me on board with buying their old house so they can get a new one to run down. I'm now a city girl stuck in the suburbs with a flooded basement half the time. My SIL somehow got in charge of my bachelorette party and made it awesome!—for her. I'm not into anything we did that night. Not to mention I told everyone involved several times I didn't want moms at my bachelorette party, and my MIL decided to crash the whole thing anyway. She laughed in my face when I was describing my wedding day fashion. My BIL ignored me then asked me who the hell I thought I was coming into this family. My SIL also asked DH and my friend (who is a baker) to make her a cake for a family party, proceeded to whine to me about my friend not calling her to check in, and then NEVER OFFERED TO PAY or reimburse her in any way. I confronted her, she pretty much gave me the finger, then went crying and playing the victim to my DH, who I had to scream at to get him on my side. (plenty more stories, but you get the point I hope) Which finally brings me to the real problem. He doesn't stick up for me EVER on his own, I have to literally scream and cry to get him to defend me, and it's usually far too late to do any good by then. Clearly, I've tried to handle my beefs myself, but to no avail. I was not aware of the extreme nature of DH and his family's passive aggressiveness until recently and now I feel like I may have gotten myself into a marriage I can't stand. At this point, I'm either going to have 0 ties to my in laws or we're probably doomed for divorce! Please help me, I really don't want to lose DH but I refuse to deal with these people for the rest of my life. We plan to move ASAP, but like I said, we're stuck in this sh*t house that's not even remotely sellable in its condition. Anyone have a success story about this!? Please
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

First, have you accepted the fact that your husband is a dysfunctional person and your expectations should be one of that.

Also, you are going against the grain here. He has developed this type of behavior for years and odds are, the likelihood of him changing is slim. He has a great environment to help him stay in his behavioral pattern.

I suggest you going into therapy for yourself first. You, yourself, will not be unscathed by being in a relationship with your husband and his family. His norm is not your norm.

I suggest not starting a family with him or you will bring a child into an unstable environment.

Chances are, your best bet is to leave him and see if he is motivated to keep you in his life by going through therapy or not. You might not like what you find out if he gives you up or not, or he strings you along to give you hope only to have him revert back to himself because odds are,it is a good manipulation tactic to keep you from leaving him.

Your best bet is to make sure that he can maintain it for a long period of time, and that he will minimize contact with his own family. Be wary of emotional manipulation.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

If you are going to throw in the towel, better do it sooner than later. Don't waste years of your life fighting against this tide. You don't fit in with his family and he's not going to make that any better for you. You know this already. Don't go wishing you can change 10 other people.

Also you need to recognize your side of this. Saying you have to cry and scream to get your DH on your side just means that you don't have good boundaries. Please learn all you can about boundaries, in and out of marriage.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If you are screaming and crying, you have already lost. You are being reduced to child-like behavior and there is no point in clinging to someone or something that reduces you in that way. 

You are in an abusive relationship--with your inlaws. And like all abusive relationships, your partner's good parts do not exist without the bad parts. All victims cling to the good part, hoping the bad part will just go away--but it doesn't. I agree that you should get out now. It would be very unrealistic to expect NEVER to have contact with his family, esp. once you have kids. And this is not a situation where occasional contact is ok--when people are abusive, you NEVER subject yourself to them again. 

Go, and be glad you didn't have any children yet. 

Good luck.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I would file. If you matter to him, he will change and try to win you back. If he does not, you are much better off without him.

You have to learn to say No, hon. Some people will take advantage of you if you cannot say No and stick with it.


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## DanaS (May 28, 2014)

WOW, get out fast! Whether you like it or not by marrying your husband you married his relatives as well; I've been there. It will NOT get better no matter what you say or do, PERIOD!

JUST married and your husband ignores you and puts his family first? Screw him I say! Leave this insecure little wimpy boy and get out of dodge and do not pass go do not collect $200.


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## MaryJane90 (May 24, 2015)

Thanks for your thoughts everyone, it meant a lot to my sanity. Faithful Wife, I truly appreciate your comment about boundaries, it's definitely something I struggle with and need to learn more about when it comes to marriage.
I wrote DH a letter giving him an ultimatum, and he knows I mean it.... We'll see what happens but it's tense around here now


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Read the book Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. Excellent advice on how to set and enforce boundaries within a loving relationship.


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

Is there a 'boundaries in divorce' book? not to hijack the thread. 

(actually this original post reminds me of how my ex used to complain about my large and tight-knitted family; although the issues were on BOTH sides and I was stuck in the middle-- though I did always stick up for my ex in these situations; let me tell you right now, this is not fun for your husband either, but I don't see what you are describing as something that will change.)


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

So what's going on MJ?


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## arabian (Jun 3, 2015)

If you already feel like you made a mistake now, it is not going to go away anytime soon if the issue bugging you persists. Do yourself a favour and have it annulled pronto.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Ya. Do not spend any more in this situation. The sooner your out the better. My almost XW worked very hard to alienate me from my family in favor of hers. I deeply regret not standing up for myself better over the many years. If you dont do it now, it will get much worse over time. I promise. 

You are only in this marriage for 7 months, and you have learned so much about your H and his family. What will this be like for you over the next 20 years or more? The hair just stood up on the back of my neck thinking about this.


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## MaryJane90 (May 24, 2015)

Wow you guys. THANK YOU for your honesty. I was not hopeful before and now I'm dreading the next part of our lives. We are trying to sell the house now and move out of state. I made it blatantly aware that this is his last chance, Stan, and if things don't get better it's over. I found divorce papers and printed them out so he knows I'm serious. So far, I don't know. Nothing has changed, but I obviously don't expect a change overnight. He's got until the end of summer for us to be out of this house. I'm very leery and very saddened by that.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Do not buy a house with him and do not get pregnant. You will need time to see if he will be doing the work to be a good husband. If he hasn't been able to exhibit signs of change by the time the house sells, cut him loose.


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