# My Dilemma



## American Arrogance (Sep 5, 2008)

My husband of 13 years has been unfaithful, I discovered it in Jul 2013. I moved out on Nov 2013. I had spoke to the GF in Sept 2013 after I found out he introduced her to our children at a daddy outing event. He invited her and her child out. I called her to tell her I was displeased of the situation and to get her side of the story. I had already ripped him a new hole on it. I told her and him to keep the kids out of it. He became violent towards me in Sept 2013 and very disrespectful and physically aggressive towards me all through sept, oct until I had enough and moved out.

Now my children are acting weird and I was told that he has been bringing her around them. She has a daughter our youngest age which they go out all the time with.

I found one of her family members on linkedin. Turns out it was her sister. I sent a connection. That sent ricochets through the relationship. She called him, he called me. Talking about Im stalking them and blah blah. 

Well Im thinking of sending a letter to her and her family expressing my dislike and displeasure of the relationship involving my children. The OW met my husband at his job (they would for the same company) in January. in June/July their relationship sped up and in August they were having sex. I have the hotel receipt. They spent a week in Chicago in Nov 2013 after I moved out but he had told me he was going to chicago a month before I moved out then cancelled and then 3 weeks before I moved out said it was back on. I overheard him talking on the phone with her one night and knew it was to see her. Even though the first time he denied it.

Anyways, enough about his and I failed marriage. My concern is the kids. My oldest daughter who is 17 makes every effort to not be at home with him. She always makes plan with her friends and even picked up some extracurricular activities at school that has her staying out till 11pm and gone on weekends. She told a family friend she does that because she doesnt want to be home with him. My son who is 15 yrs old stays to himself and in his room. He doesnt interact with anyone when at his home. But when at my home he is always interacting with the rest of us. My 11 yr old is taking it real hard. She used to be an honor roll student but now has not done any work, her teacher is constantly emailing us about missing work and not focusing in class. She is now to the point where she asked if she can permanently live with me. Her father says she is very disrespectful to him and her siblings. Our 6 yr old, well she knows of the situation but doesnt fully understand. I try to shield her as much as possible. But she knows we arent going to stay married. But I think she is ok at least from the aspect that she has a new friend who occasionally comes sees her and of course her dad is buying her gifts to gain her affection.

So my question is, since husband and his gf relationship started in July 2013 as he claims (but they were doing work lunches from Jan) and the woman told me at first she thought he just wanted to network and not date. Either way their actions are affecting my children. Neither one of them care, they are only thinking about their own selves. Would I be wrong if I wrote a letter to her and her family expressing how the relationship started while I was still married to him and living with him and how its affecting my children?

I already know by just sending a linkedin connection that the family does have some idea of the relationship. Not sure how much they know. Im sure they think we were already separated as my husband said he told her we have been separated for 2 years. And she was upset when I told her I was still living at home and even in the same bed. He told me I talk too much. 

What do you think? Should I write it? Or should I just move on and pay for the therapy sessions for the children?


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## Tiffanymarried15years (Feb 1, 2014)

Hi,
I am in such an emotional turmoil myself, it's kind of hard to give advice to others, but I will try. In fact, I have always been the advice giver, and now I'm on here seeking advice.

In any event, I am sorry to hear of your situation, somewhat similar to mines in terms of husband cheating after 15 years of marriage. As for your question, I don't think there is anything wrong with you expressing yourself to him, her and her family as to how their relationship was started when you and him was still married and how it's affecting yall children. He will probably be pissed, but who cares since he obviously didn't care how you felt to start another relationship while still very much in one.

On the other hand, it may be just a waste of time, but at least you would have made your feelings known, which may help you to heal in the long run. However, it is also not even necessary because they probably will not be able to truly understand it anyway, as most don't when they are doing wrong. So, all that to say, it's really up to you because it may only serve the purpose of getting your feelings out there, but not actually changing their behavior.

Good luck to you, and I will be praying for you. It surely doesn't feel good to be cheated on, and I now know that first hand unfortunately....

Stay strong.....


Tiffany


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Go see an attorney. Tell the attorney how this relationship is negatively affecting your children. I am guessing that there is something that can be done legally to protect the children from the other woman, at least until the divorce is final.

I wouldn't write any letters to the other woman's family until after you see the attorney.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Go see an attorney. Tell the attorney how this relationship is negatively affecting your children. I am guessing that there is something that can be done legally to protect the children from the other woman, at least until the divorce is final.
> 
> I wouldn't write any letters to the other woman's family until after you see the attorney.


:iagree:

Especially the part about not writing any letters.


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## Syco (Sep 25, 2013)

Lawyer Up and Good Luck!


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## kalimata (Jan 29, 2014)

AA:

Does your H and this OW work in the same department? Is he her boss ? or vice versa? If so consider calling up HR and letting them know, as this probably violates their own policy. Keep in mind by doing so that you may screw yourself for child support if he gets fired.

Why haven't you considered exposing this affair? Her family? Her friends? Why not post the OW on cheaterville.com?
Does OW have a husband or other serious boyfriend? If so expose her filth for the rest of the world to see

Basic steps are: 1) Gather evidence 2) Expose 3) Confront 4) File D papers 5) Go 180. I guarantee your POS husband will come begging back to be with you if you follow the steps correctly.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Why are you shocked? You are bi and he was on CL's sending out nude pics to dudes years ago. You told Amp (one of the moderators), years ago that you have had women with your husband present. You talked about wanting to cheat and that you were flirting and getting aroused. Then you said you were not satisfied with sex.

After reading all your posts since 2008 I am not shocked at this at all. You should have D him back in 2005 or 2006 when he was trolling on CL's for gay encounters. I doubt that he did not have sex back then with men.

When you opened the door with sex with other women this is often the outcome.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Just tell the girl about his interest in men. She should know.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> Just tell the girl about his interest in men. She should know.


Yes, some people might not like to hear this, 

but man on man stranger-sex is a huge risk factor, to which she has the right not to be exposed.

It's not that gay men have more unprotected sex than women - that's a lie - women in affairs don't usually protect themselves, it's that sperm is a much better conductor of HIV than anything else, hence there is massive un-evenness in resulting infections in the gay male community.

Sperm May Play Leading Role In Spreading HIV -- ScienceDaily


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> Why are you shocked? You are bi and he was on CL's sending out nude pics to dudes years ago. You told Amp (one of the moderators), years ago that you have had women with your husband present. You talked about wanting to cheat and that you were flirting and getting aroused. Then you said you were not satisfied with sex.
> 
> After reading all your posts since 2008 I am not shocked at this at all. You should have D him back in 2005 or 2006 when he was trolling on CL's for gay encounters. I doubt that he did not have sex back then with men.
> 
> When you opened the door with sex with other women this is often the outcome.


:iagree:

I had to go thru her posts too and its been a very toxic relationship, with her being bi and going to swingers clubs, and him having gay sex and affair with other women. There was a post of him having a bleeding anus because he is a "bottom".


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

American Arrogance said:


> Would I be wrong if I wrote a letter to her and her family expressing how the relationship started while I was still married to him and living with him and how its affecting my children?
> 
> I already know by just sending a linkedin connection that the family does have some idea of the relationship. Not sure how much they know. Im sure they think we were already separated as my husband said he told her we have been separated for 2 years. And she was upset when I told her I was still living at home and even in the same bed. He told me I talk too much.
> 
> What do you think? Should I write it? Or should I just move on and pay for the therapy sessions for the children?


They wouldn't believe it anyway. I'm sure he's labeled you as the batsh!t crazy ex-wife. She'll find out eventually on her own. She better hope he doesn't expose her to any STD from him having sex with other men.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Your husband is an a55. That's simple enough. 

Here's the part we probably aren't about to agree on though.

1.) Once you start contacting random people like that and blasting that info out there you are most definitely stalking, harassing and a part of the actual problem.

2.) In your divorce decree, if you're in a fairly conservative area, you might get a stipulation about overnight guests. This is typically unenforceable and two-sided. By two-sided, I mean you both would have to adhere to it. By unenforceable, I mean we have the freedom of association.

My advice is go see your attorney and get filing. Watch what's said around your kiddos also. Parental Alienation Syndrome is bad stuff.


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## American Arrogance (Sep 5, 2008)

Thanks everyone for your input. As to the posters who are pulling up old post from 2008, yes I stated all that and Im not ashamed. I know the intimate details of our marriage since then. Thats not what I was asking your advice or opinion on. Im only focused with the well being of my children and how this is affecting them. OUr kids were so young back in 2008 and most of the stuff I had shielded from them and they never had to deal with meeting a paramour until now. Either way, my husband infidelity is no shock or surprise to me. How he is going about integrating our children into his new relationship is and his complete disregard for his children feelings.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> *After reading all your posts since 2008 I am not shocked at this at all.* You should have D him back in 2005 or 2006 when he was trolling on CL's for gay encounters. I doubt that he did not have sex back then with men.


Wow. Nice job on the researching Thorburn. You make me feel guilty for not doing my homework sometimes.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

American Arrogance said:


> Thanks everyone for your input. As to the posters who are pulling up old post from 2008, yes I stated all that and Im not ashamed. I know the intimate details of our marriage since then. Thats not what I was asking your advice or opinion on. Im only focused with the well being of my children and how this is affecting them. OUr kids were so young back in 2008 and most of the stuff I had shielded from them and they never had to deal with meeting a paramour until now. Either way, my husband infidelity is no shock or surprise to me. How he is going about integrating our children into his new relationship is and his complete disregard for his children feelings.


In many cases you will read here on TAM how painful this can be. Unless there is abuse, illegal activities, etc, it is almost impossible to keep the kids away from the A partner. If your husband is moving on then the introduction of the children is normal.

What you want is often times never what happens.

It may be a pride thing, but why wouldn't your husband want to show off his kids?

Stinks, yes, but the reality of what typically happens is the kids are brought into the picture with the other person.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Can't you get full custody of the kids? 

Your 17 year old should be allowed the choice of who she lives with legally - at least she would be where I live. PLEASE do not have her staying out until 11:00pm and travelling home alone in the dark just because she doesn't like being with her Dad. *She is in great danger. * And is she being properly supervised? Girls of that age can get pretty crazy and emotional with hormones so the situation will make this worse. 

You MUST tell your WH all that and that she will have to live with you permanently. Be firm. Doesn't sound as if he picks her up from wherever she is at. Appalling if he's not. And she is probably not getting properly supervised at his place. My exH never supervised my daughter when she was with him so I told him she was coming to live with me or I would go see a judge and have him tell him because of his lack of supervision. For me (I have an 18 year old daughter) what you said about your 17 year old was the worst. I fear she is the most in danger in all this. I was so sad about your 11 year old dropping her grades. 

You have GOT to get full custody. 

You will also have to put your own needs aside for a few years while your kids heal and put any romance on hold. I did that & never regretted it. I had such a happy home, me and my 3 kids and they grew up into beautifully balanced young adults. I was always reluctant to bring a step father into it. I'm glad I didn't. No regrets. But that's just me.

See a lawyer about it. It might work if you can present evidence of how the kids are behaving etc with psychologists reports, supervision I spoke about etc. Are you in the family home? That will help. 

Can't see the benefit of contacting OW's family, especially if you try to gain custody and are filing. You could be painted as a crazy woman. Remember divorces can get very nasty and it can be used against you. Anyway AP will do as she pleases, her family won't be able to stop her. She's a grown woman. Lay off her for now - get your kids' situation solved. 

I can understand your pain. I hope you can get your kids back into a stable situation. There is no way you will be able to avoid his AP or anyone else from meeting/engaging with your children. If they're living with you full time, it won't matter so much if they meet AP cos they will know they are coming home afterwards to Mom.


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