# Husband of 2yrs "not sexually attracted" to me



## Kat76 (Sep 4, 2012)

Hi all

I posted on here a few days back regarding my situation and wondering if anyone had stories of working through this situation.
Husband is 41 and I am 36. Been together 3 years, married 2 with 2 year old. Both active together and not much change since getting together. He says he started losing desires for me once I was pregnant.

We are in MC for this because it happened to my husband in his first marriage, which ended in divorce after 18 months, they were together 7yrs. Seems like he has some deep issues that counselor is connecting to alcoholic father and or control issues.

We have been in counseling since July and I am just getting tired of being rejected as sex has stopped since issue has come to light. Don't know how much longer I can listen to "I am sorry, but right now I am not attracted to you in that way." keep in mind he says sex was good when we were having it, he just felt obligated and had it for me.

Anyone have this happen and get past it?

Thanks!


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## Kat76 (Sep 4, 2012)

Oh and no cheating involved and no porn problem.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I don't have advice, but I do have your support.

If I were in your shoes, I'd be incredibly hurt! I find it selfish and disrespectful of your husband's part.

If I heard that from my husband, I'd most likely pack up and leave. Especially since its so early in the marriage. 

I'm really sorry your going through this. I have no idea what goes through a mans mind.


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## Kat76 (Sep 4, 2012)

Thank you! Hard not to leave, 2 yr old is what keeps me going.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I had such a hard time my first marriage. My ex h was a complete jerk at all times. Always putting me down. I left with a baby that was 8 months old.

I do think that what your husband said is a very big issue. My husband now never would say anything like this and has the upmost respect for me. 

I do wish you all the best. I'd be getting to the bottom and ask why he's not attracted to you sexually. If it were me, I'd be going through the cell phone and computer to rule out cheating.


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## Kat76 (Sep 4, 2012)

I keep thinking the grass has to be greener on the other side if MC does not work.

I have checked everything and for sure no cheating. Happened in first marriage so pattern is repeating its self. Consuelor honing on fear of intimacy thus shuts those feelings down. Just getting SOO tiring!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Kat76 said:


> We are in MC for this because it happened to my husband in his first marriage, which ended in divorce after 18 months


At 41 years old the odds are against him being able to fix this. This is his pattern as you've seen. I hate to be a downer but it's rare to see people change much after the age of 33 unless they had some sort of insight prior to then.

I think with your husband what you see is what you get. If after a few sessions nothing is improving I'd face the reality that he isn't going to get better.


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## Kat76 (Sep 4, 2012)

@mavash: agree that could be the case and if so sad to know we will have to end a marriage over that. Especially when we compliment each other well in other areas.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Kat76: a sexless marriage is painful. Especially painfull if your husband "loses attraction". That is BS that no woman should ever have to endure.

I hope you guys work it out, but if he doesn't wake up just understand that you are beautiful and these issues are his own.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

What's the possibility that he married you primarily because you were pregnant or had given birth to his child? His sexual attraction to you suddenly took a nose dive when you got pregnant? Were y'all trying to get pregnant?


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## Kat76 (Sep 4, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> What's the possibility that he married you primarily because you were pregnant or had given birth to his child? His sexual attraction to you suddenly took a nose dive when you got pregnant? Were y'all trying to get pregnant?


We were dating 6 months, but we're planning on marriage and kids. He was actually the pursuer and in love before me. Pregnancy was a shock, but we still got married. He says he did not feel obligated, but sped up our timeline as he had some bills he wanted to pay off first. 

@sinnster: thank you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'm confused. He sped up the timeline because he had some bills he wanted to pay first? Does that mean he said he wanted to get married before you got pregnant but his excuse then for not doing so was that he wanted to pay bills first? Then, you got pregnant and he went ahead with the marriage?
Did he get his bills paid off? How much money are we talking? If I was really eager to marry a woman, a huge debt might slow me down but a reasonable debt wouldn't be a barrier. It might make a plausible excuse if I wasn't exactly ready to get married.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Kat76 said:


> I keep thinking the grass has to be greener on the other side if MC does not work.
> 
> I have checked everything and for sure no cheating. Happened in first marriage so pattern is repeating its self. Consuelor honing on fear of intimacy thus shuts those feelings down. Just getting SOO tiring!


I am so sorry.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Sounds like he may have a classic Madonna-wh*o* re complex. Marriage, kids, commitment, the whole nine yards, renders him unable to see you as a sexual entity. How was his relationship with his mother? What kind of woman does he tell you she is (or was)?

If he's suffering from this it is a legit psychological issue, and is not his fault. All the people calling him all kind of a**holes, etc, aren't really being fair. If you become unattracted to somebody that you actually were once attracted to, and still want to be, it's not about somebody being a bad person, or even a bad spouse. There is the very real possibility that his lack of attraction to you is likewise upsetting, even devastating, to him.

Hopefully therapy can render some perceivable results, and help things improve for you two. But he has to be very committed to change.


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## Kat76 (Sep 4, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> I'm confused. He sped up the timeline because he had some bills he wanted to pay first? Does that mean he said he wanted to get married before you got pregnant but his excuse then for not doing so was that he wanted to pay bills first? Then, you got pregnant and he went ahead with the marriage?
> Did he get his bills paid off? How much money are we talking? If I was really eager to marry a woman, a huge debt might slow me down but a reasonable debt wouldn't be a barrier. It might make a plausible excuse if I wasn't exactly ready to get married.


No originally we discussed getting engaged round a year into relationship the marriage. He had about 10k in credit card and car he wanted to pay off first. Getting pregnant sped up that timeline. He has though paid off all bills plus ring payment since.

@jaquen: thanks and he does want to fix it. Just don't know how long to wait or if any one has had success w this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kat76 (Sep 4, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Sounds like me may have a classic Madonna-wh*o* re complex. Marriage, kids, commitment, the whole nine yards, renders him unable to see you as a sexual entity. How was his relationship with his mother? What kind of woman does he tell you she is (or was)?
> 
> If he's suffering from this it is a legit psychological issue, and is not his fault. All the people calling him all kind of a**holes, etc, aren't really being fair. If you become unattracted to somebody that you actually were once attracted to, and still want to be, it's not about somebody being a bad person, or even a bad spouse. There is the very real possibility that his lack of attraction to you is likewise upsetting, even devastating, to him.
> 
> Hopefully therapy can render some perceivable results, and help things improve for you two. But he has to be very committed to change.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kat76 (Sep 4, 2012)

He actually says he feels so guilty and disappointed this has happened. Didn't think he would be back in the same place as first marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

As for mom good relationship, but closer than other sibilings as he is baby of 5. Mom for sure protected him from alcoholic dad.


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## Kat76 (Sep 4, 2012)

Hi all

Update from this week's counseling is that lost desires come from feeling a loss of self in relationship and feeling a lot of pressure of having family. Therapist said we need to work on independent time for my husband and my husband understanding the impact of this on me. While my husband was pulling back I have been trying to "bind" us by pressuring/questioning him for sex.

Again, wondering if anyone has had this happen and if desires did come back as communication and issued resolved.


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