# After six years of separation, we’re considering reconciliation



## Maddmaxx (Mar 8, 2018)

I met and married my husband very young. We had both basically raised ourselves, left home at an early age trying to escape our unhappy homes and were struggling to feed and shelter ourselves when we met. We bounced around from hotels and boarding houses for a couple of years until I became pregnant. We had a child before we were married and were both unfaithful before and after we said “I do.” For some reason, we forgave each other. 
My husband was an alcoholic when we met, whether I was naive or willfully ignorant, the signs were there early on. Then, one fateful New Years Eve, we drank too much and got into an argument because he wanted to leave. He hit me. Not a slap or a push. He punched me repeatedly and pushed my head through a wall. He gave me a black eye. I left. 
For the past six years, we’ve remained legally married and he lives in another part of the country. We’ve seen other people here and there but nothing serious. We hardly ever talk, but we’ve never stopped loving each other and I hate myself for it. 
He wants to go to counseling and see if we can work it out. I love him, but I’m not sure that I can ever go back to him. I also don’t think I can ever love anyone else the way I loved him. I’ve adapted to being alone and I must admit that I’m happy. 
Since we’ve been apart, I’ve built a good life. I bought a house, landed a job making six figures, own two cars, and started a non- profit organization. 
I can’t for the life of me understand why I’m even entertaining the idea of going back.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Maddmaxx said:


> I met and married my husband very young. We had both basically raised ourselves, left home at an early age trying to escape our unhappy homes and were struggling to feed and shelter ourselves when we met. We bounced around from hotels and boarding houses for a couple of years until I became pregnant. We had a child before we were married and were both unfaithful before and after we said “I do.” For some reason, we forgave each other.
> My husband was an alcoholic when we met, whether I was naive or willfully ignorant, the signs were there early on. Then, one fateful New Years Eve, we drank too much and got into an argument because he wanted to leave. He hit me. Not a slap or a push. He punched me repeatedly and pushed my head through a wall. He gave me a black eye. I left.
> For the past six years, we’ve remained legally married and he lives in another part of the country. We’ve seen other people here and there but nothing serious. We hardly ever talk, but we’ve never stopped loving each other and I hate myself for it.
> He wants to go to counseling and see if we can work it out. I love him, but I’m not sure that I can ever go back to him. I also don’t think I can ever love anyone else the way I loved him. I’ve adapted to being alone and I must admit that I’m happy.
> ...


*For the life of me, I can't either!*


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

Maddmaxx said:


> I met and married my husband very young. We had both basically raised ourselves, left home at an early age trying to escape our unhappy homes and were struggling to feed and shelter ourselves when we met. We bounced around from hotels and boarding houses for a couple of years until I became pregnant. We had a child before we were married and were both unfaithful before and after we said “I do.” For some reason, we forgave each other.
> My husband was an alcoholic when we met, whether I was naive or willfully ignorant, the signs were there early on. Then, one fateful New Years Eve, we drank too much and got into an argument because he wanted to leave. He hit me. Not a slap or a push. He punched me repeatedly and pushed my head through a wall. He gave me a black eye. I left.
> For the past six years, we’ve remained legally married and he lives in another part of the country. We’ve seen other people here and there but nothing serious. We hardly ever talk, but we’ve never stopped loving each other and I hate myself for it.
> He wants to go to counseling and see if we can work it out. I love him, but I’m not sure that I can ever go back to him. I also don’t think I can ever love anyone else the way I loved him. I’ve adapted to being alone and I must admit that I’m happy.
> ...


Okay, it sounds like you already know the answer....but why don't you answer some questions to help you really and truly believe what you know to be the case..

1. Is he in recovery? If so, for how long has he been in recovery?
2. Has he been to counselling? If so, for how long?

As a sister of a recovering addict, I can say that there is hope for change. My sister used to physically hurt me and my family, steal, lie, etc... It was awful and so painful. BUT, she went through recovery (multiple times) and of course she still struggles, but she is the kindest soul who has never harmed me since...So, I do believe there is hope for a change...but I also believe that addiction is a lifelong struggle. I personally could never marry someone with these struggles because of my own history, but if you think you are ready for a life with _very _possible and extreme ups and downs (abuse to name one), then go for it!

But...you sound happy on your own and you said it yourself! If you haven't let go of your ex fully, how are you supposed to find someone new? You are unknowingly cutting yourself off from some wonderful experiences by not finalizing the divorce and moving on.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Maybe you should try if not already going to individual counseling for yourself, you sound like an ambitious successful and strong person. Maybe counseling can hekp you figure out why you would want to go back to someone who did that to you and why you have been able to move on.

There are so many good people out there.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Maddmaxx said:


> Since we’ve been apart, I’ve built a good life. I bought a house, landed a job making six figures, own two cars, and started a non- profit organization.
> 
> *I can’t for the life of me understand why I’m even entertaining the idea of going back.*


I cannot for the life of me understand either!

Actually, I can figure it out.

A good deal of the 'chemistry' was there.
Both of you have likely matured.

The alcohol drove him to drive your head through the wall.
Likely, spurred on by your words.

Not a good enough reason to forgive, to get back together.
Not with this proven, violent man.

You are now a 'catch', he is a toss-back-in.
Better yet, he is a cut-the-line, never pull him out of life's water, into your life again.

Be patient. Another chemically attractive man will appear.

If not, enjoy the days catch.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Since you married young he is no doubt
your first love. First love is all ways
the one you remember. Most people
can remember their first boy friend
or girl friend. When those relationships
ended they thought they would never
love any one again.You and him went
through so much together, leaned on
each other through hard times. You have 
matured and you are happy. Maybe he 
has changed may be not. Why take that 
chance? Leave that in the past and move 
on. Since you went through so much you
will all ways remember but it should stay
in the past.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You said in another thread that you married young and while you grew,he didn’t.In your own words when he didn’t live up to his potential you moved on.
Keep moving on and don’t look back.
He beat you up.
Now you are doing it to yourself.
Stop this now.


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