# middle aged female serial cheater - why?



## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

I am just asking for the psychology behind this as I am struggling to understand other than a mid life crisis which I am not sure I really believe in.

In essence my 43 year old partner of 21 years cheated on me (numerous times I subsequently found out). I have spent the last 2 years blaming myself for being inattentive and throwing it all away. 

However my ex has met a new man 4 months ago, who she says she is in love with and taken him to meet her family, posting pics of them together all over fb, and spends most weekends with him.

However she has in the last month appeared on a dating site so I messaged her with a false profile and she asked me to meet her for sex. 

Why would a middle class, middle aged woman behave like this?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Read the book "Women's Infidelity". There are 2 parts, it is a pdf book. You can find it online.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Low self-esteem
Fear of dying (gotta 'live' first!)
Narcissism
Personality Disorder

...who knows? does it REALLY matter *why*? 

whatever the real reason, it's got NOTHING to do with you!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

She's horny!

That and she has little or no respect for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Or, she is simply not into you anymore Rumple.


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

I know she isn't into me I just want to know why someone is a serial cheater and the psychology behind it


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

rumple9 said:


> I know she isn't into me I just want to know why someone is a serial cheater and the psychology behind it


What you should be asking yourself is why you're stalking her.

T


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Only she can answer that.

It could entitlement issues, self esteem problems, lack of boundaries , and or she got tired of pretending to be someone she never was.

Maybe she misses her youth and the fun of having random sex with who ever she wanted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

It's what they do.
Mine cheated on me for the twenty years we were together and got away with it since I was too stupid to see it.
At the same time, she's cheated on every one of the guys she been with during and since our marriage and would be doing it now if her reputation hadn't scared off every breathing guy within thirty miles of her.


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

It might be mid life crisis - life is short, biological clock is ticking...

However, from your post looks like you are not married and no kids?


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

Aerith said:


> It might be mid life crisis - life is short, biological clock is ticking...
> 
> However, from your post looks like you are not married and no kids?


No we have a daughter so have to stay in contact unfortunately. And no I am not stalking her
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Only she knows why but it seems she is wanting to experiment quite a bit and with quite a bit of people.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

rumple9 said:


> I am just asking for the psychology behind this as I am struggling to understand other than a mid life crisis which I am not sure I really believe in.
> 
> In essence my 43 year old partner of 21 years cheated on me (numerous times I subsequently found out). I have spent the last 2 years blaming myself for being inattentive and throwing it all away.
> 
> ...


Was she always this way and you were unaware, or is this something new that started the last few years of your marriage?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

rumple9 said:


> However she has in the last month appeared on a dating site so I messaged her with a false profile and she asked me to meet her for sex.


If this guys not the AP then you should anonymously send "new man" the link to her dating profile and the transcript of the conversation. Wouldn't you want to know if you were still in his shoes? Oh and yeah you kind of are stalking her. Stop checking up on her. It's unhealthy for your mental health.... She's moved on. So should you.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

rumple9 said:


> I know she isn't into me I just want to know why someone is a serial cheater and the psychology behind it


Today's biology lecture:

Generally speaking, women like sex a lot if they can get a hot guy to do them. They aren't really all that interested in guys who aren't really hot, but they will settle for less hot guys, if the guys are good providers. And that's all they are, little money machines. They may have a certain fondness for their little money machines, but they aren't turned on by them.

The Pareto Principle tells us that 80% of the women are really truly sexually interested in the same top 20% of men. While most men are attracted to most women, most women aren't attracted to most men. They all want the sexiest guys at the top. Men are looking for an excuse to have sex with a woman they normally wouldn't, and women are looking for an excuse to say no. 

What this all means is that a woman can have casual sex with a man who is more attractive than she could keep in a so-called "relationship." Similarly, a man, say a 9, who wouldn't enter a public relationship with any woman lower than an 8 will often be willing to engage in wild and kinky sex with a 6 or even a 5 if it's kept clandestine. And nothing gets a 5 woman up for major kink like sex with a 9 guy.

Since she's not married, she's just doing her usual thang.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

One word...SELFISHNESS...


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Ouch, Mach. That makes us sound so shallow.


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## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

rumple9 said:


> I am just asking for the psychology behind this as I am struggling to understand other than a mid life crisis which I am not sure I really believe in.
> 
> In essence my 43 year old partner of 21 years cheated on me (numerous times I subsequently found out). I have spent the last 2 years blaming myself for being inattentive and throwing it all away.
> 
> ...


Your ex sounds like a human petri dish for the incubation of sexually tranmitted diseases.........
STIs
Bacterial Vaginosis
Chlamydia
Genital Herpes
Gonorrhea
Hepatitis B
Hepatitis C
Human Papillomavirus
Lymphogranuloma Venereum (LGV)
Pubic Lice (Crabs)
Scabies
Syphilis
Trichomoniasis
Yeast Infections

Move on..........you will be better off....(and healthier......)


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

rumple9 said:


> I am just asking *for the psychology behind this *as I am struggling to understand other than a mid life crisis which I am not sure I really believe in.
> 
> ... she has in the last month appeared on a dating site so I messaged her with a false profile and she asked me to meet her for sex.
> 
> Why would a middle class, middle aged woman behave like this?


You know what I find humorous? You asked a very specific question and so far no one has really answered your question (except Mach, and I would be interested to see study data to back up his assertions, but at least he took the time to answer what you asked).

As I understand it, you already know she's not good for you, that you aren't to blame, that you should leave her and move on, that she's flirting with STD-land, etc. But what you want to know is this: "What psychological or physiological reason is there for an otherwise normal, middle-aged person of either gender to behave in a hyper-sexual, basically immoral way (especially when all else may seem "normal" from the outside)?"

One reason it's hard to answer this question is that there are as many answers as there are people--each situation is a bit unique! But there are some reasons that are maybe more likely than others:

1) Somatic Narcissism -- there are actually two kinds of narcissists: cerebral and somatic. A cerebral N uses their intellect, wit and words to gain their N supply, whereas a somatic N uses their body and sexuality to get their N supply. 

2) Bi-polar hypersexuality -- during mania or hypomania, a bi-polar person can become excessively interested in or involved in sexual activity, and bi-polar people describe it as a constant desire for attention from the opposite sex, seeking danger and excitement. If she's not diagnoses bi-polar, maybe she has bi-polar tendencies.

3) Medical Reasons. When a person has Parkinson's Disease and is given a dopamine drug as a treatment, the Mayo Clinic's study found a correlation with hypersexuality and compulsive gambling. What effect does dopamine have on a normal brain? Not sure but its the brain chemistry we talk about when we say someone is in "affair fog" so maybe there is some relationship. Likewise when a person has a head trauma (like from a car accident) they often exhibit hypersexuality.

4) Mid-Life Crisis -- especially MCL precipitated by grief!

5) Sexual Addiction -- a dysfunctional obsession with sexual fantasy, combined with pursuit of casual sex, porn, masterbation, romantic intensity and objectified partner sex. In other words, like an alchoholic is drawn to the next drink even if s/he knows it will harm them...a sex addict is drawn to the next sex partner even if s/he knows it will harm them. 

6) Nymphomania

7) Drug Addiction or Alcoholism

8) Childhood sexual abuse

Now rumple, you know your STBXW the best--you are there and we are not. You know which ones may be likely and which one may be "not even close" but at least you have a few ideas why a seemingly "normal" middle-aged, middle class woman might become hypersexual. 

Honestly, it's also conceivable she's just been kinky all along and was squelching it to try to appear "normal."


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Affaircare said:


> You know what I find humorous? You asked a very specific question and so far no one has really answered your question (except Mach, and I would be interested to see study data to back up his assertions, but at least he took the time to answer what you asked).
> 
> As I understand it, you already know she's not good for you, that you aren't to blame, that you should leave her and move on, that she's flirting with STD-land, etc. But what you want to know is this: "What psychological or physiological reason is there for an otherwise normal, middle-aged person of either gender to behave in a hyper-sexual, basically immoral way (especially when all else may seem "normal" from the outside)?"
> 
> ...


:allhail: Affaircare you win the day with a great responce.


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

Thank you Affaircare for the only sensible intelligent response on here. 

I think Narcissism is the most likely, knowing her. Still can't get my head round it though other than it's a major personality flaw on her part


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Because she does not value you, or herself.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Pepper123 said:


> Ouch, Mach. That makes us sound so shallow.


And aren't we all? Though some of us try to rise above it. Humans are really pretty basic when it comes to reproduction.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

rumple9 said:


> No we have a daughter so have to stay in contact unfortunately. And no I am not stalking her
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How did you know she was on any dating site...how did you know she was on that particular dating site, you went through the time to create a fake profile then contact her.. That my friend is stalking, and for you, not good.

Why do people cheat? Because they do. The reasons aren't general, everybody has their own but one thing is for sure, it has nothing to do with you, it is always about their wants and needs.

Concentrate on your own life and daughter. Stalking is obsessive and not good for your own healing and progress. Good luck.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

rumple9 said:


> I am just asking for the psychology behind this as I am struggling to understand other than a mid life crisis which I am not sure I really believe in.
> 
> In essence my 43 year old partner of 21 years cheated on me (numerous times I subsequently found out). I have spent the last 2 years blaming myself for being inattentive and throwing it all away.
> 
> ...



Cause she's a ho and an attention wh0re. 

But the real question is. 

Why should you give a flying f*ck???

Seriously bro. Let the ho go. Go out and get you another one, this time preferably younger and hotter than said ho. 

Sorry you're here. But the answer is pretty simple. 

Women cheat cause they can, they have poor boundaries, and they do not respect their partner. 

They'll psyche themselves out with things like "I'm not attracted to my husband", or "He doesn't listen too me", or " I love you but I'm not in love with you". 

And women cheat on tier 1 guys all time. 20 percent. Nah, I'm more like 3 to 2 percent in attractiveness for men. I modeled, I was a "male 'exotic dancer" in my 20's, 6'2" built like a brick **** house my abs have abs lol, good looking all that jazz. 

And I got cheated on and my heart ripped out like I was nothing. 

Women (and men) cheat cause THEY WANT TO and THEY CAN. They also compartmentalize and Jedi mind trick themselves into thinking that it's not that bad and that they'll never get caught or that they're spouse will get over it. 

Cheaters are f*cked up peeps. Best to leave them to their own devices and bounce.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Plan a date and don't show up.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

rumple9 said:


> I know she isn't into me I just want to know why someone is a serial cheater and the psychology behind it


Don't make it overly complicated. When a women is no longer into you, she is normally looking for someone she can be "into". Its a universal human trait. That's why most people hang out the vacancy sign before the ink is dry on divorce paper, if not before like many do. She's middle aged by your definition. Why should she spend the next 20 years living like a celibate. Obviously, she feels she shouldn't. 
Why she lost interest in you is an entirely different question.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I don't get people keep insisting in telling OP to let her go. He acepted she's gone a is trying to move on.

I doesn't mean he's still shocked at who his XW or STBXW has become, that even now when she's free, dating a legit BFF who she's introducing to her family and claims being in love with him she's on a dating/hook up site asking sex NSA. 
XW doesn't need to live in celibate, she's aparently in a relationship which is becoming serious... yet she's already cheating on him.

He still can't grasp what she became.


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## phoenix_ (Dec 20, 2013)

Because she's a ***** and so is her family.


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## john1068 (Nov 12, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> Plan a date and don't show up.





> I'd plan the date and show up...Queue the music...
> 
> I was tired of my lady, we'd been together too long
> Like a worn out recording of a favorite song
> ...



_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

"She's just not that into you" seems overly simplified. 

She had to reach that point over time and because of some causes. People don't just wake up one day and turn into cheaters. Unless they are psychotic.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

staystrong said:


> "She's just not that into you" seems overly simplified.
> 
> She had to reach that point over time and because of some causes. People don't just wake up one day and turn into cheaters. Unless they are psychotic.


No people don't wake up one day and turn into cheaters. Personally I think it's a question o honesty. Instead of being open about the fact the respect/attraction is waning or gone, people just chug along hoping for a magic bullet until a point where they just don't care and go ahead and cheat.


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

Machiavelli said:


> Today's biology lecture:
> 
> Generally speaking, women like sex a lot if they can get a hot guy to do them. They aren't really all that interested in guys who aren't really hot, but they will settle for less hot guys, if the guys are good providers. And that's all they are, little money machines. They may have a certain fondness for their little money machines, but they aren't turned on by them.
> 
> ...


All well and good, in theory - but what in the event of a wife who's a 7-8 being in involved in kinky-sex with a OM who's a 5-6, tops...while her husband who's also an easy 7-8, is left on the sidelines? :scratchhead:


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Machiavelli said:


> Today's biology lecture:
> 
> Generally speaking, women like sex a lot if they can get a hot guy to do them. They aren't really all that interested in guys who aren't really hot, but they will settle for less hot guys, if the guys are good providers. And that's all they are, little money machines. They may have a certain fondness for their little money machines, but they aren't turned on by them.
> 
> ...


I agree with this. and I think this is why a lot of women keep holding out. they think that because they bedded a 9 or 10, that they can get one for an entire relationship.

On another message board, a woman admitted that she had 2 ads running: one for dating and one for intimate encounters. She said for the intimate encounters ad, a lot of hot guys, 9s and 10s were responding to it. to the dating ad, more like 6s and 7s.

Also, Rumble, after 21 years together, why are you two not married? This could be one of the keys to her serial behavior.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

rumple9 said:


> Thank you Affaircare for the only sensible intelligent response on here.
> 
> I think Narcissism is the most likely, knowing her. Still can't get my head round it though other than it's a major personality flaw on her part


Then you can continue working on letting her go.


Stop looking at her facebook page. Watching her post pictures of her new man/men is only going to cause you more pain. Block her already.
Stop stalking her on that dating site. You created a fake profile and messaged her. Then she wanted to me you for sex. Delete that profile. You already know what she's like.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Affaircare said:


> You know what I find humorous? You asked a very specific question and so far no one has really answered your question (except Mach, and I would be interested to see study data to back up his assertions, but at least he took the time to answer what you asked).
> 
> As I understand it, you already know she's not good for you, that you aren't to blame, that you should leave her and move on, that she's flirting with STD-land, etc. But what you want to know is this: "What psychological or physiological reason is there for an otherwise normal, middle-aged person of either gender to behave in a hyper-sexual, basically immoral way (especially when all else may seem "normal" from the outside)?"
> 
> ...


This is a great response that answers the "What", let me refer to a book that talks more about the "Why": 
Eden Project: In Search of the Magical Other (Studies in Jungian Psychology By Jungian Analysts, 79) by James Hollis — Reviews, Discussion, Bookclubs, Lists

In any long term relationship, eventually the projections (displacement of emotional needs) erode over time and you see your partner as they truly are. A MLC is a regression to an earlier, immature emotional state whereby a person is able to project those unconscious aspects of themselves on to a new partner(s). This is an essential coping mechanism for people unwilling to examine the source of reflexive behavior (what Jung called "the shadow"). Hollis called this process "The Search for the Magical Other", that person that will restore emotional wholeness. 

Narcissists are genuinely incapable of this emotional wholeness, so they seek externalizations for what they cannot find internally. In effect, this is living by emotional proxy. 

No doubt there are serious emotional disturbances in your WW's past. It seems strange that emotional events that are long forgotten largely control every aspect of our behavior (reflexive behavior). 

What to do at this point? You must 180, and you need to get into IC (preferably Depth Psychology) to understand your role in the relationship. Kindest Regards-


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Maybe it is her personal science project to see if she can catch every STD known to man. You can give her a cool new name PD for petri dish.

Thankfully, she's not your problem anymore. Leave her in the past and be thankful you have a chance to rebuild your life without her.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

He's asking why she is a serial cheater. 

In my case, she needed validation really badly. she was scarred for life from being told by her father that she was ugly (she was gorgeous!) and her narcissist husband that she was ugly for 31 years.

she sought validation by seeking out guys. she would troll for guys at bars, make out with them and then ditch them the same night before they would demand sex.

I was in love with her and too naive to see the warning signs. she told me her friend told her to 'stay away from my bf!' she shrugged that off and said 'im no thread to her!' I found out years later that she blew him. Some years later i had an inkling that something was wrong she was hanging out with a man friend a bit too much. i thought it was ok since he had a girlfriend. one day, she told me that his girlfriend gave her the 'stay away *****' thing. she said the same thing as before; 'im no threat to her'. i found out a year later they had sex.

she liked 'bad' boys. her whole life was driven by a neurotic desperate need for validation.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

Machiavelli said:


> Today's biology lecture:
> 
> Generally speaking, women like sex a lot if they can get a hot guy to do them. They aren't really all that interested in guys who aren't really hot, but they will settle for less hot guys, if the guys are good providers. And that's all they are, little money machines. They may have a certain fondness for their little money machines, but they aren't turned on by them.
> 
> ...


Preach :iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

davecarter said:


> All well and good, in theory - but what in the event of a wife who's a 7-8 being in involved in kinky-sex with a OM who's a 5-6, tops...while her husband who's also an easy 7-8, is left on the sidelines? :scratchhead:


Another way to look at the "hot guy" would be the "bad boy". He doesn't have to be fantastic looking, just not bad looking. If he is a bad boy type it can up his sexual attractiveness substantially.

It's that old saying, "Bad boys for fvcks, Nice Guys for bucks". Bang the bad boys, marry the Nice Guys.


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