# Does 2 affairs make it right?



## 18436572 (Sep 14, 2013)

My story up till this point is on another thread. Long story short, 19 year marriage, wife had 6 month affair, confessed 10 months after it ended - which was about a month ago, wants fresh start... She has been trying very hard. My question is, has anyone been in this position and had their own affair? Sometimes I wonder if that's the only way I can ever feel right about it. Feel the adrenaline, feel the adventure, feel that you're wanted, confidence, that your attractive, etc... Did it help the reconciliation? Or did it bring pain? I'd love to hear stories. I'm a decent looking guy, not overweight, make good money, good with my kids, help around the house etc... But the way I've been treated the last 2 years really sucks.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I was tempted to have an RA at one point after we started toying with the idea of reconciling. I explored those feelings but did not act on them and eventually they passed. 

I don't assume to speak for him but MattMatt is one poster here who did have an RA. It did not improve his situation. From what I've read, it made him feel worse about himself.

I think revenge affairs complicate situations for many reasons. First, nobody forces you to doing something. Even as a betrayed spouse, saying your WS drove you to it is a cop out and cheater speak. If you cheat at this point it won't be because you were cheated on but because you chose to do so.

I have seen many couples who basically cheat at, as opposed to "on" one another. One spouse cheats first, the other cheats to get back at them. Feeling hurt or justified for cheating, the initial straying spouse cheats again, then the madhatter BS cheats again... the cycle continues, to what end? It's toxic.

Another thing is obviously two wrongs don't make a right. 

Another consideration is that once you cheat on your betrayer, you will lose the "higher ground" as far as infidelity is concerned. Who are you to vilify them for something that you are also culpable for?

It may also serve to let them off of the hook and dissuade them from the initial betrayal.

It's best to work through their infidelity together and heal from it without adding more clusterfvcks to an already F'd up situation. If that is not possible, then you need to cut ties or divorce. Very few relationships survive one betrayal, nevermind betrayals on both sides (although there are some success stories).


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I agree with Miss Taken. Revenge affairs can be a slippery slope. On the other hand, one may provide some balance and that would allow you to move forward with reconciliation whereas otherwise you'd feel compelled to divorce. It may fail spectacularly and depends a lot on her reaction, but only you can know what may work for you and your wife going forward.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Divorce or separate and make her win you back. She through you away like garbage, make her earn your love back somehow. Let her know that their are many good women who would be happy to be with you and wouldn't spread their legs for a POS. I don't really advocate having sex or making out with someone else but you could have coffee with a friend or dinner.

I am wired different than a lot of folks though. If I were in your shoes, that is what I would do with the stipulation that she could not see anyone else and only pursue me. After all, she has had more than her fair share of penis recently.

I would not lead other women on or take it physical but would just be honestly looking for friendly company. If my wife really wanted me back, she could get me. After all, I do love her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Better off divorcing than going that route.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Two wrongs ..... you know the rest.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

I recommend separation followed by D. Otherwise an open marriage. Let her know you will be seeing other people. How can she have a problem with this? She was already test driving OMs. 

It's very messy having a RA. Date through the separation if you're ready. 

Don't choose to be a cuckold. It's the opposite of sexy. 

Upgrade yourself and see what's out there.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

18436572 said:


> My story up till this point is on another thread. Long story short, 19 year marriage, wife had 6 month affair, confessed 10 months after it ended - which was about a month ago, wants fresh start... She has been trying very hard. My question is, has anyone been in this position and had their own affair? Sometimes I wonder if that's the only way I can ever feel right about it. Feel the adrenaline, feel the adventure, feel that you're wanted, confidence, that your attractive, etc... Did it help the reconciliation? Or did it bring pain? I'd love to hear stories. I'm a decent looking guy, not overweight, make good money, good with my kids, help around the house etc... But the way I've been treated the last 2 years really sucks.


Yes. But my RA made me feel far worse than my wife's affair made me feel.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Yes. But my RA made me feel far worse than my wife's affair made me feel.


Really??? Fascinating, Please share your view on this more deeply! ( No sarcasm or cynicism in my statement)


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

try other things to help you feel better.

the RA makes things worse.

Has she given you a timeline of the A?


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

My personal feeling is that any type of affair is a low-down weak thing to do, revenge affairs included. It robs you of your righteous outrage, and the strength that comes from morality.

Any other type revenge, fair game.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Just to be clear, I do not advocate a RA. To do that, you would have to do exactly what your wife did to you. That would make you vile like her.

I am in the "payback, revenge, justice" camp. To each their own. How are you wired OP?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Does the idea of an open marriage appeal to you? Are you willing to live with the fact that other men (probqbly LOTS of other men) will be "having" your wife? The whole concept never made any sense to me personally, but it MIGHT work for you two. I'm just not sure your relationship would be able to survive if you went that route. My guess is that she wouldn't want to share her husband with another woman. :scratchhead: TALK IT OUT CAREFULLY before you make a decision of that magnitude. It might sound like fun, but I don't think either of you would be happy with it. Good luck whatever you decide.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I would also add to that list, that you are basically using another person to make yourself feel good in the short term. People are not appliances so don't treat them that way.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Why on earth would anyone want to be a cheater? Do we not condemn, ridicule, chastise scorn and berate cheaters. How will compromising your core values make you feel better? My only thought was to fix what was broken not to break it worse. If you are experiencing excitement and thrills over the thought of being with someone else perhaps an open marriage is for you. You know there is a situation wherein you can sleep with whomever will sleep with you with no strings attached and no fear of hurting anyone. IT"S CALLED BEING SINGLE. How are people in an open marriage not the ultimate cake eaters? They want the benefits of a committed relationship without the commitment. Good luck with that. In any event, if you feel that doing to your WS what she has done to you will "even the score" then perhaps you should reevaluate your marriage. Or you could just go for it and see what happens, that always works well for cheaters.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

:banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:


MattMatt said:


> Yes. But my RA made me feel far worse than my wife's affair made me feel.


What does that make you ? I'm going to break something next time I hear about your "revenge affair"


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

18436572 said:


> My story up till this point is on another thread. Long story short, 19 year marriage, wife had 6 month affair, confessed 10 months after it ended - which was about a month ago, wants fresh start... She has been trying very hard. My question is, has anyone been in this position and had their own affair? Sometimes I wonder if that's the only way I can ever feel right about it. Feel the adrenaline, feel the adventure, feel that you're wanted, confidence, that your attractive, etc... Did it help the reconciliation? Or did it bring pain? I'd love to hear stories. I'm a decent looking guy, not overweight, make good money, good with my kids, help around the house etc... But the way I've been treated the last 2 years really sucks.


Why don't you separate from her and date other people ? Why let her make you a lesser person ?

The whole, right from starting the affair to confessing it, she controlled the narrative. You don't know anything other than what she wanted you to know. She looked at you everyday those 10 months without any guilt. No one would blame you if you couldn't get over that. Most men don't. 

Why are you reconciling ?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

NoChoice said:


> Why on earth would anyone want to be a cheater? Do we not condemn, ridicule, chastise scorn and berate cheaters. How will compromising your core values make you feel better? My only thought was to fix what was broken not to break it worse. If you are experiencing excitement and thrills over the thought of being with someone else perhaps an open marriage is for you. You know there is a situation wherein you can sleep with whomever will sleep with you with no strings attached and no fear of hurting anyone. IT"S CALLED BEING SINGLE. How are people in an open marriage not the ultimate cake eaters? They want the benefits of a committed relationship without the commitment. Good luck with that. In any event, if you feel that doing to your WS what she has done to you will "even the score" then perhaps you should reevaluate your marriage. Or you could just go for it and see what happens, that always works well for cheaters.



Open marriages are agreed upon. Else it is called cheating.

The "evening the score" logic is tad hypocritical. If him sleeping with other women breaks the marriage, She already did that and they are now in R. See, marriages can continue after having sex with other people.. He can apologize to her and everything will be fine.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

18436572 said:


> My story up till this point is on another thread. Long story short, 19 year marriage, wife had 6 month affair, confessed 10 months after it ended - which was about a month ago, wants fresh start... She has been trying very hard. My question is, has anyone been in this position and had their own affair? Sometimes I wonder if that's the only way I can ever feel right about it. Feel the adrenaline, feel the adventure, feel that you're wanted, confidence, that your attractive, etc... Did it help the reconciliation? Or did it bring pain? I'd love to hear stories. I'm a decent looking guy, not overweight, make good money, good with my kids, help around the house etc... But the way I've been treated the last 2 years really sucks.


 Boils down to this. She cheated and hurt you. Last two years she treats you poorly. Think giving her a bloody nose by turning the tables on her and you cheating will help your self esteem? 

Nah. All you do then is climb in the mud with her so if she's not making you happy, then show her how much she hurt you by filing for a divorce and serving her with the paper work. Once she gets them then she'll know how unhappy you are and then you move on. She can continue with messing someone elses marriage up.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

18436572 said:


> My story up till this point is on another thread. Long story short, 19 year marriage, wife had 6 month affair, confessed 10 months after it ended - which was about a month ago, wants fresh start... She has been trying very hard. My question is, has anyone been in this position and had their own affair? Sometimes I wonder if that's the only way I can ever feel right about it. Feel the adrenaline, feel the adventure, feel that you're wanted, confidence, that your attractive, etc... Did it help the reconciliation? Or did it bring pain? I'd love to hear stories. I'm a decent looking guy, not overweight, make good money, good with my kids, help around the house etc... But the way I've been treated the last 2 years really sucks.


Did you verify anything she said?

Have you exposed to OM's wife?



> . The story I get is they broke it off b/c they both realized it wasn't going any farther. She didn't want to leave our life and kids, and neither did he


Could you verify this?


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> :banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:
> 
> What does that make you ? I'm going to break something next time I hear about your "revenge affair"


I wouldn't break anything too expensive.

From what I recall, his wife had sex with another man, then he had an EA and almost got a hand job from another woman.

I'm not for RAs, but this is like someone keying your car, then to get them back, you move there rearview mirrors around.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I think an ra is the only way I could take a cheating spouse back.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Just to be clear, I do not advocate a RA. To do that, you would have to do exactly what your wife did to you. That would make you vile like her.
> 
> I am in the "payback, revenge, justice" camp. To each their own. How are you wired OP?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am too. I feel the best payback is instant divorce, only after that to live life to the fullest and enjoy it... then post the pics on facebook just to make sure she sees how much you're enjoying yourself


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

IMHO, what's good for the goose kind of response is appropriate, in most cases. But in this situation, you would become what she did to you. Of course the only way for her to understand your pain, is to do what she did, but if you have a shred of decency, you won't use another person to fulfill that level of hurt. It takes a strong person not to go through with it. MM, did it and he probably wishes he didn't. Knee jerk reaction to a bad situation. Don't do it man it only brings more hurt. It's better to be able to look yourself in the mirror when your shaving. I came close, but in the end my conscience would have killed me. Just my 2 c's.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Open marriages are agreed upon. Else it is called cheating.
> 
> The "evening the score" logic is tad hypocritical. If him sleeping with other women breaks the marriage, She already did that and they are now in R. See, marriages can continue after having sex with other people.. He can apologize to her and everything will be fine.


Agreed upon in advance? Isn't an open marriage an oxymoron? I see it as vowing to be exclusive then agreeing not to be. Why bother with marriage at all unless it's solely for tax purposes.

A simple apology would eliminate the need for TAM.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

I assume that a revenge affair would be attempted as a means of
trying to save a relationship. Each story is different, but in my case it would have saved nothing.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

NoChoice said:


> Agreed upon in advance? Isn't an open marriage an oxymoron? I see it as vowing to be exclusive then agreeing not to be. Why bother with marriage at all unless it's solely for tax purposes.


Any marriage is an oxymoron, IMO. And not for the tax benefits - for the health insurance!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Well an affair did not work out for her nor make her feel better so why on earth do you think it would work for you or make you feel better???


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

richie33 said:


> Better off divorcing than going that route.


i suppose you could legally separate, with the agreement that you can date, and then it would not be cheating


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## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

A revenge affair is degrading. Why would you want to make the same morally depraved choices your WS made?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I wouldn't see how it would make things right, just more wrong.

I could see however how if I lowered myself to her level maybe I could stay with her though.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

18436572 said:


> MMy question is, has anyone been in this position and had their own affair? Sometimes I wonder if that's the only way I can ever feel right about it. Feel the adrenaline, feel the adventure, feel that you're wanted, confidence, that your attractive, etc


Yeah, go ahead and use another person to enact revenge on your spouse and make yourself feel better. 

Did you for even one second consider the damage you'll inflict on a person so unfortunate as to let you into her life?

Just the fact that you would consider abusing another person in such a way says tons about you.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

An open marriage is a bum deal for a man. He'll never keep up with his wife if it's her idea.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

lenzi said:


> Yeah, go ahead and use another person to enact revenge on your spouse and make yourself feel better.
> 
> Did you for even one second consider the damage you'll inflict on a person so unfortunate as to let you into her life?
> 
> Just the fact that you would consider abusing another person in such a way says tons about you.


C'mon, that's not fair.

Being cheated on makes you crazy. The fact that he's even asking the question shows that he doesn't want to do it.

Plus, it's a big hit to your ego to be cheated on. Of course you're looking for validation from a member of the opposite sex... so you don't feel unattractive, broken, unwanted, not enough, etc...

Oh, and lots of people including lots of women are more than happy to have meaningless sex with married men. Taking someone up on that offer isn't abuse. Stupid, sad, unethical... many things. But saying yes to someone offering sex isn't abuse.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

lenzi said:


> Yeah, go ahead and use another person to enact revenge on your spouse and make yourself feel better.
> 
> Did you for even one second consider the damage you'll inflict on a person so unfortunate as to let you into her life?
> 
> Just the fact that you would consider abusing another person in such a way says tons about you.


:scratchhead::scratchhead:

What if is a casual sex relationship ? 

You assumed what you wanted it to be. 

And you could have made the same point more constructively. The guy was talking from a position of pain and you just attacked him for one particular scenario that may or may not happen. 

The forum has gone to the dogs.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

IIJokerII said:


> Really??? Fascinating, Please share your view on this more deeply! ( No sarcasm or cynicism in my statement)


I realised I was a cheating POS.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> :scratchhead::scratchhead:
> 
> What if is a casual sex relationship ?


I guess that would be better than an affair where the woman actually cared about him. But it's still about the intent. 

He's not interested in the affair partner as another person with feelings, they're just a tool to inflict pain on his partner. 

Maybe that's something a casual sex partner deserves?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

marduk said:


> C'mon, that's not fair.
> 
> Being cheated on makes you crazy. The fact that he's even asking the question shows that he doesn't want to do it.


Ok, he's in a crazy mind set right now, so his lack of consideration for a potential affair partner is temporarily excused. The fact that he's hesitant to do it isn't really relevant, it's not because he's concerned about hurting an innocent third party.



marduk said:


> Oh, and lots of people including lots of women are more than happy to have meaningless sex with married men. Taking someone up on that offer isn't abuse. Stupid, sad, unethical... many things. But saying yes to someone offering sex isn't abuse.


Ok, you're right. "abuse" is the wrong word. I'll go with stupid, sad, unethical.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Revenge Affairs are not the answer.

Do a 180 start looking after yourself and your priorities. Either Seperate or disengage from her and do things you enjoy.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Yeah, go ahead and use another person to enact revenge on your spouse and make yourself feel better.
> 
> Did you for even one second consider the damage you'll inflict on a person so unfortunate as to let you into her life?
> 
> Just the fact that you would consider abusing another person in such a way says tons about you.


Not a fair thing to say. It is an affair. Does anyone think about anything but themselves in an affair, ever (RA or A)? I would say not really.

Think about all the innocent people that are being hurt in the same way in an affair that the APs weren't thinking about, such as the spouse or children that are being hurt and devastated. The thought is that the BS is getting what they deserve and no one thinks about the friends and family that are affected. My STBXW has ruined no less than 4 famillies and countless friendships. Even though she and the AP were willing participants the spouses and children were not. In the aftermath there are now 4 broken homes resulting from their actions. An RA makes the participants no better than the original A participants, so the truth is that anything the WS is responsible for due tot the A, not only applies to the BS in a RA, then they also get the self loathing that would accompany it s they know the devastation first hand. That is something to consider.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Take the high road and don't have a revenge affair. Revenge affairs makes an extramarital problem more complex. If your wife's infidelity hurt you so much, either divorce her or reconcile. Don't sit on the fence, decide either way as quickly as you can. Don't stew in your wife's infidelity, it will destroy you.


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

I know I couldn't have a RA, it would just make me feel worse about myself. Not to mention that I know I couldn't have sex with some one I had no feelings for.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I wouldn't do a revenge affair. I'd probably just separate and divorce. However, if I thought the relationship might be slightly worth saving for some reason, I'd still probably separate, file for divorce, and start dating. Eventually, I would decide if reconciliation is still an option for me, and give it a try if she were still interested (assuming she ever had been).


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Hit and run poster. 

Mods, do your duty. Shut it down.


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## 18436572 (Sep 14, 2013)

Well I suppose I should speak up and end all speculation lol... For the record I'm with the majority here. I never seriously considered a RA, but yes in the crazed state of mind you're looking for any and all ways to relieve the pain. Some way to help forgive. But yes I quickly realized that it would only complicate things further. Lower me to a level I'm just not comfortable. It's like a fart, once it's done you can't take it back. And I'm just to smart for that. Not gonna happen.


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