# 19 Years and considering divorce



## sadwife75

Marriage is hard. It's even harder when your husband doesn't act like he cares or participates.

About a year ago I found out I was pregnant. It was very unexpected since I had been told I wouldn't be able to have kids of my own. I was very excited when I found out but, that happiness quickly faded once I had learned that it was a tubal (ectopic) pregnancy and would need to have surgery very quickly to avoid further complications to my health. 

I told my husband what I had learned. He was excited but sad, too. I had scheduled my surgery the following Tuesday since that was the soonest available and I really couldn't afford to wait. He told me that he had a face-to-face with his boss the following week and that he would have to travel to Mesa, AZ for the meeting. I asked him to stay. I begged him to stay. I was sad to even be in this position and even more scared to be doing this alone. Then came the matter of logistics. Who was going to drive me to and from my appointment that was 30 minutes away? We had recently moved to the Salt Lake area and I didn't really know anyone that I trusted enough to even ask for a ride for this. I was going to be sedated so, I wasn't going to be able to drive.

What does my husband do in a situation like this? GO ON HIS TRIP!!! Yes, you read that right. He left me in Salt Lake to handle this on my own. Did he call to even see how things went or to see if I was ok? NOPE! I got a text before he went to bed hoping I got home ok. Who does this?

I've been with him for 19 years. We don't have any children. Do I stay with him? He swears he knows how big of a mistake he's made but, WOW! This is a doozie! No, this isn't the first time his comfort has taken precedence over being there for me.


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## sunsetmist

Tell us your details, your hopes, your sorrows too. Glad you are here. Sad you need to be.


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## SunCMars

sadwife75 said:


> Marriage is hard. It's even harder when your husband doesn't act like he cares or participates.
> 
> About a year ago I found out I was pregnant. It was very unexpected since I had been told I wouldn't be able to have kids of my own. I was very excited when I found out but, that happiness quickly faded once I had learned that it was a tubal (ectopic) pregnancy and would need to have surgery very quickly to avoid further complications to my health.
> 
> I told my husband what I had learned. He was excited but sad, too. I had scheduled my surgery the following Tuesday since that was the soonest available and I really couldn't afford to wait. He told me that he had a face-to-face with his boss the following week and that he would have to travel to Mesa, AZ for the meeting. I asked him to stay. I begged him to stay. I was sad to even be in this position and even more scared to be doing this alone. Then came the matter of logistics. Who was going to drive me to and from my appointment that was 30 minutes away? We had recently moved to the Salt Lake area and I didn't really know anyone that I trusted enough to even ask for a ride for this. I was going to be sedated so, I wasn't going to be able to drive.
> 
> What does my husband do in a situation like this? GO ON HIS TRIP!!! Yes, you read that right. He left me in Salt Lake to handle this on my own. Did he call to even see how things went or to see if I was ok? NOPE! I got a text before he went to bed hoping I got home ok. Who does this?
> 
> I've been with him for 19 years. We don't have any children. Do I stay with him? He swears he knows how big of a mistake he's made but, WOW! This is a doozie! No, this isn't the first time his comfort has taken precedence over being there for me.



Uh, wow...

I made words, your original words appear !


Please tell him the truth.

Tell him you are considering divorce.
Tell him calmly.
Tell him why.

See if he answers. 
See how he answers.

Put him on notice.

Notice, if he leaves without an adequate response.

I think your love for him is gone.

If this is true, take a permanent vacation from him.

Divorce, move on.





[The Helmsman]- Lilith


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## wilson

By any chance is your husband an engineer or scientist? Is he generally unemotional? I'm wondering if he's the kind of person who doesn't really understand human emotions or if this is out of character for him.


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## sokillme

sadwife75 said:


> Marriage is hard. It's even harder when your husband doesn't act like he cares or participates.
> 
> About a year ago I found out I was pregnant. It was very unexpected since I had been told I wouldn't be able to have kids of my own. I was very excited when I found out but, that happiness quickly faded once I had learned that it was a tubal (ectopic) pregnancy and would need to have surgery very quickly to avoid further complications to my health.
> 
> I told my husband what I had learned. He was excited but sad, too. I had scheduled my surgery the following Tuesday since that was the soonest available and I really couldn't afford to wait. He told me that he had a face-to-face with his boss the following week and that he would have to travel to Mesa, AZ for the meeting. I asked him to stay. I begged him to stay. I was sad to even be in this position and even more scared to be doing this alone. Then came the matter of logistics. Who was going to drive me to and from my appointment that was 30 minutes away? We had recently moved to the Salt Lake area and I didn't really know anyone that I trusted enough to even ask for a ride for this. I was going to be sedated so, I wasn't going to be able to drive.
> 
> What does my husband do in a situation like this? GO ON HIS TRIP!!! Yes, you read that right. He left me in Salt Lake to handle this on my own. Did he call to even see how things went or to see if I was ok? NOPE! I got a text before he went to bed hoping I got home ok. Who does this?
> 
> I've been with him for 19 years. We don't have any children. Do I stay with him? He swears he knows how big of a mistake he's made but, WOW! This is a doozie! No, this isn't the first time his comfort has taken precedence over being there for me.


I don't know how anyone could get over that. 

Does he even know what he did or how upset you are?

PS you might not want to use your picture as your avatar. Someone might be able to do a reverse search on it.


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## Mr.Married

wilson said:


> By any chance is your husband an engineer or scientist? Is he generally unemotional? I'm wondering if he's the kind of person who doesn't really understand human emotions or if this is out of character for him.



Yes exactly ....... Is he in a technical profession ?

I know for you this seems totally bazaar to ask when you are experiencing a deep emotional cut ......


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## lifeistooshort

I don't buy the engineer question.

I work with a lot of programmer and math types....I myself studied physics. While we're not the most emotional people in the world I don't know anyone who would take off while their wife has surgery and then text to see if she got home.

At least not without having planned out how she'd get home. An analytical guy who gave a **** would've set up transportation for her, even if he wasn't to most emotionally supportive guy in the world.

This was a **** move by a guy who's not particularly emotionally invested.


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## Beach123

If you can’t count on him when you need him most and you are unfulfilled within the marriage - why not divorce him?

Life is too short to stay when you aren’t happy.


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## TJW

sadwife75 said:


> No, this isn't the first time his comfort has taken precedence over being there for me.


Many men, including me, go to their jobs as a high priority because you are dependent, as well as your unborn child, upon a steady source of income. We see ourselves getting older, and we recognize from observation that the older we get, the less likely to get another job which provides as well as the current one.

Your husband may be thinking of you and your family first in making this choice. If he missed this meeting, he might be in a precarious position with his employer.

We don't think too much in terms of emotions. We stick to the facts, and we sometimes are insensitive to our wives' preoccupation with nurture and nesting. Especially those of us who haven't been around a pregnancy yet.

And I fully "get" the technical profession question. I'm Mr. Spock......


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## sunsetmist

Read about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and see if you think he has many of these traits. 

My Ex went to work while I went alone to have a sonogram because a mass had been discovered in my abdomen. I was the only unaccompanied person in the crowded waiting room. This is not as bad as your situation by far, but it is an example of the level of disrespect when his 'stuff' always comes before yours, no matter the degree of seriousness.

If you are considering divorce, there is a lack of intimacy and connection after 19 years that supersedes understanding. After a while the holes in your soul are gaping and the emptiness is all-consuming.


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## timcarp1964

You know things sure would be a lot simpler if we knew exactly what the other was thinking. What was that movie with Mel Gibson? I would recommend reading the book No More Mr Nice Guy. The whole audiobook was on youtube a while ago, but it's been removed now  It also applies to ladies as well. We are too F***ing nice and not direct enough. I am learning to be more direct. Boundaries is also a good book to help with issues like this too.

Decide what you can and can't live with and have a heart to heart. If the man can't/won't meet you halfway, he probably recognizes his own inadequacies and would be ok to move on as well. Sounds like there's more to the story (as there always is)


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## sadwife75

He is an engineer but, so am I. I'm not necessarily the most emotional person myself but, I do understand decency and until recently, I thought he did too. I think I've answered my own questions at this point with the help of you all, so thanks!


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## Prodigal

I can't tell you whether or not to divorce; after all, only you can determine if your husband's behavior is a deal-breaker.

I went through six months of chemo alone. My husband was never with me through the entire ordeal. His life. His choice.

I didn't divorce him over it, but then we'd been separated for about 18 months when I received treatment. We were separated (not legally) until his death in 2015.

Frankly, my expectations of him weren't much by the time I permanently left the marital home in September '09. I just did what I had to do. After all, he'd pulled so much outrageous crap over the years, that I didn't expect any hand-holding or support.

And I think that is where you need to look at your overall marriage to determine if this is just one more thing in a history of crappy things. It might be, but again, you have to determine that.

P.S. - My husband was an engineer with the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers.


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## Prodigal

sadwife75 said:


> I think I've answered my own questions at this point with the help of you all, so thanks!


If you decide to stay in the marriage, but find it challenging, please keep posting. If you decide to leave the marriage, and encounter challenges as a newly-single person (which you will), I hope you will continue to post.

I would like to support you in whatever choice you make. All the best!


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## notmyjamie

I'm so sorry for your loss. The loss of a much wanted and hoped for pregnancy is devastating but having to have surgery is just salt in the wound. I don't blame you one bit for being upset and disillusioned with your husband. He helped create that pregnancy and he should have been there for you during the whole ordeal. His actions were not only selfish but cruel as well.

Are you otherwise satisfied in your marriage or was this just the final straw for you? If you've been happy otherwise, I'd recommend some marriage counseling to help you through this. It sounds like you have told him your feelings and he claims to realize he screwed up but has he done anything to prove that something like this won't happen again? What has he done to show you he is truly remorseful of his actions?

As a women's health nurse, I can tell you that MANY men just can't handle these types of situations. They feel confused, scared, guilty, uncomfortable and instead of dealing with it head on, leave the poor wife to deal with it all by herself. I can't tell you how many patients I've cared for where the husband is at work and she's alone dealing with a medical crisis. It doesn't make it ok, but it might help to know you aren't alone. 

I'm sorry you needed this site but I'm glad you found it. *hugs*


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## She'sStillGotIt

sadwife75 said:


> I got a text before he went to bed hoping I got home ok. Who does this?


Wow. What a complete POS.



> He swears he knows how big of a mistake he's made....


Yup, he knew it BEFORE he left you to fend for yourself in your condition but he didn't care enough to actually DO anything about it.

But now that he's back and was able to do what *he* wanted to do, all the worthless appeasing begins, starting with his confession about what a huge mistake he's made and blah blah blah. What a phony.

I agree with Beach. I'd be done with this fool.


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## AVR1962

You said he had a face-to-face with his boss. Do you know what was said in this conversation? If he felt he could not miss this meeting as it might jeopardize his job I can see why he made this choice. I support myself, I have my own business, if I don't work I don't eat so if one of my daughters was in a situation like this it would be a hard decision. I am assuming this meeting could not be moved and your husband felt he had not other option.

I do feel for what you went thru and understand your need for support. Does your husband understand that though? Were you able to tell him that it would mean a great deal to you to have his support? Some men really do not get this. I was married for 24 years and had to handle a great deal on my own, lots of things I felt ex should have handled or been there for me but he was not capable.


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## sadwife75

Yes, he knew exactly how important this was. I did everything, short of leaving,to make it clear. I have never been one to mince words. He made a choice. Now he gets to be powerless when I make mine.


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## UpsideDownWorld11

I dont know if you should throw away 19 years over that. Now, it may just be the straw that broke the camels back, which I get, but why cut off limbs if they can be salvaged. He was doing his provider thing, so it wasnt like he ran off the Vegas to put his paycheck on Red.


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## Steelman

To "stay away and act like its no big deal", might be how he handles this type of stuff.


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## Kerrbear

sadwife75 said:


> Marriage is hard. It's even harder when your husband doesn't act like he cares or participates.
> 
> About a year ago I found out I was pregnant. It was very unexpected since I had been told I wouldn't be able to have kids of my own. I was very excited when I found out but, that happiness quickly faded once I had learned that it was a tubal (ectopic) pregnancy and would need to have surgery very quickly to avoid further complications to my health.
> 
> I told my husband what I had learned. He was excited but sad, too. I had scheduled my surgery the following Tuesday since that was the soonest available and I really couldn't afford to wait. He told me that he had a face-to-face with his boss the following week and that he would have to travel to Mesa, AZ for the meeting. I asked him to stay. I begged him to stay. I was sad to even be in this position and even more scared to be doing this alone. Then came the matter of logistics. Who was going to drive me to and from my appointment that was 30 minutes away? We had recently moved to the Salt Lake area and I didn't really know anyone that I trusted enough to even ask for a ride for this. I was going to be sedated so, I wasn't going to be able to drive.
> 
> What does my husband do in a situation like this? GO ON HIS TRIP!!! Yes, you read that right. He left me in Salt Lake to handle this on my own. Did he call to even see how things went or to see if I was ok? NOPE! I got a text before he went to bed hoping I got home ok. Who does this?
> 
> I've been with him for 19 years. We don't have any children. Do I stay with him? He swears he knows how big of a mistake he's made but, WOW! This is a doozie! No, this isn't the first time his comfort has taken precedence over being there for me.


This is horrible I’m sorry. Is he open to counseling? He may be able to better understand your pain and disappointment with the help of a therapist


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## sadwife75

He's said he's open to counseling. He has made a huge effort over the last few months to help me see he does actually care. I still feel like he hit me in the stomach with an axe. Some days are easier than others. Today is a feel-like-I'm-going-to-vomit kinda day. Sadly, these have been par for the course this last year. I want to trust him. I want to be with this man forever!!! I just wish I could shake this nauseating pain.


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## She'sStillGotIt

sadwife75 said:


> He's said he's open to counseling. He has made a huge effort over the last few months to help me see he does actually care. I still feel like he hit me in the stomach with an axe. Some days are easier than others. Today is a feel-like-I'm-going-to-vomit kinda day. Sadly, these have been par for the course this last year. I want to trust him. I want to be with this man forever!!! I just wish I could shake this nauseating pain.


Just know that when it *really *mattered, he didn't care. 

He can be Husband of the Year and tell you all the things you want to hear, but all this _sudden_ wonderful behavior you're seeing this past month or two will likely not last. It's not rocket science, he had a *choice* - he could either continue being a heartless ****-head and you'd divorce him, or he could clean up his act NOW and you *wouldn't* divorce him. 

His motivation for pouring it on is the realization that if he doesn't, he stands to lose the life he's known for 20 years. So of course he's going to continue with the Husband 2.0 show until you're no longer threatening divorce.

I'm just telling you that this act isn't going to last forever so that you're not devastated when he eventually goes back to being who he really is. Right now he knows he's on thin ice and is acting accordingly, but people don't REALLY change at their core and he hasn't, either. He's just trying to do his best to avoid divorce court. But he will go back to being who he always was because that's who he *IS* at his core.

The pain in your stomach is probably your gut screaming to you that when it REALLY mattered, he wasn't there and that can't be fixed no matter how much singing and dancing he's doing for you now.


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## MattMatt

If he is so frightened of his boss that he abandons his Lady like that, maybe he needs a new boss?


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## Red Sonja

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> I dont know if you should throw away 19 years over that. Now, it may just be the straw that broke the camels back, which I get, but why cut off limbs if they can be salvaged. He was doing his provider thing, so it wasnt like he ran off the Vegas to put his paycheck on Red.


Did you read the thread? She is an engineer, as is her husband … which means they both _provide_. Jesus man, most women do not need a “provider” we need partners and help-mates. This is the goddamned 21st century, wake the **** up. 


To the OP:
I am an engineer and so was my ex-husband. I have been in the same situation you describe many, many times with my exH. I am in a male dominated field and I have never seen those men (engineers) abandon their wives or children during times of medical or other type of crisis … not like my exH did. It has nothing to do with being male or female, engineer or other profession. The behavior you (and I) experienced is due to having a partner who is completely self-absorbed and self-focused. If something does not affect them directly and immediately, or simply does not interest them, then it is not important to them, period.

Will he change? I can’t tell you and no one here can. I can tell you that mine never did. I would also advise you to NOT have children with this man until and if he demonstrates at least two years of consistent changed behavior, because he will treat his children in the same manner … mine did.

I am so sorry you find yourself with this type of partner and I sincerely hope he takes a long look at himself and changes for the better.


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## notmyjamie

sadwife75 said:


> He's said he's open to counseling. He has made a huge effort over the last few months to help me see he does actually care. I still feel like he hit me in the stomach with an axe. Some days are easier than others. Today is a feel-like-I'm-going-to-vomit kinda day. Sadly, these have been par for the course this last year. I want to trust him. I want to be with this man forever!!! I just wish I could shake this nauseating pain.


If you want to be with him forever and he's open to counseling, I think you should go. I don't see any other way to save your marriage.

I would imagine that it's hard to separate the pain you're feeling from the loss of your pregnancy and the pain from his abandonment. I think some individual counseling might be a good idea for you as well. Women experience the loss of a pregnancy very differently than men do as it happens to our bodies. I'm NOT saying men don't grieve, of course they do, but they don't have the same sense of responsibility for the pregnancy that women have so it's different. 

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much. *hugs*


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## Adelais

Just a thought.

Could it be that your husband has no backbone when it comes to his boss? If that were the case, it would be very embarrassing for your husband to admit, and he'd rather you think he "decided" to not go, instead of you knowing that he is a "coward."

My husband also put his career before his family, couching it in "he has to provide for us." He has recently admitted that in several of those instances, he was actually a coward, and didn't have the courage to tell his boss "no" for the sake of his family. He also didn't realized that his coworkers said "no" and they weren't fired on the spot. Mr. Araucaria is much braver now, and takes time off, without excuse or fear, if he is really needed at home.


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## She'sStillGotIt

sadwife75 said:


> He's said he's open to counseling. He has made a huge effort over the last few months to help me see he does actually care.


Well, color me confused. You're suddenly changing your story. I didn't catch this until now.

*Not even 3 weeks ago* you posted that he'd 'made his choice' and now _you_ were going to make YOUR choice and he would become the 'powerless one' with no say in the matter.

Then in the quote above - barely 3 weeks later - you're suddenly singing his praises and talking about what a *huge* effort he's made over the last few months and he's even managed to convince you that he really DOES care.

So which is it? Is he the ass that only 3 short weeks ago you said would be powerless now that you were making your own choices, or is he Super Husband 2.0 who for months has been showing you how much "cares?"

Don't start lowering the bar and accepting less than you deserve just because it's easier to delude yourself into staying with him than it is to make a major life move.


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## sadwife75

I will remind myself that you have no idea what my life has been like.


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## Taxman

I have to concur with Matt, in that is he so frightened of his boss or employment situation that he would do this? I have been in one or two positions where the boss threatened me with termination, because I had to leave during the day to attend to a family crisis. In one particular circumstance, my daughter was injured at school. We only had one vehicle at the time, and my inlaws were not available to help. So, I put on my coat and was about to leave when my employer barred my way. He told me that he NEVER would leave work to care for his children. That was his wife's job. I said, so do you have anything to do with your children? He said that he does not even remember some of their birth dates, but he has the firm billing several million a year. I told him to feel free to let me go, and I predicted that at some point he would come home to either his wife having an affair, or just packing his bags and hoofing him out. Turned out, it was both. I was not working for him any longer, but a good friend had recently partnered with him. All he had was the firm, and she was suing to get part of his equity. He got humanized pdq.


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## Woolyjumpers

Hi Sadwife75. I'm so sorry for all that you've been through. I can really feel your sadness in your writing. 

I think you ought to consider counselling, even if it's just for yourself, before you make a decision. 

I feel that you are still grieving for your lost pregnancy, which must be incredibly hard. Maybe you need to give yourself time?


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## Ursula

Your husband sounds narcissistic. I'm not sure if it has anything to do with whatever profession he's in, but my XH was a scientist, and was much like your husband. Could yours be on the spectrum?


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## Prodigal

sadwife75 said:


> I will remind myself that you have no idea what my life has been like.


You are absolutely correct. Nobody here knows you personally, so we can only go by what you post. It sounds to me like you are devastated that your husband wasn't at your side during a terrible crisis. However, it also sounds like you are trying to deny your pain to some degree.

If you can ultimately forgive your husband, fine. But in the meantime it may be helpful to process the emotional stress your husband inflicted on you due to his not being with you when you needed him.

JMO.


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