# I do not want sex.



## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

Hi there... I posted in the other forum about my complex marital problems. Bottom line, a lot of people thought my marriage isn't much of a marriage... But more of an arrangement. 

I make a good deal of money. My husband doesn't and doesn't have any real desire to solve our large debt that comes along with my large income. We are at a real rift. 

But we've been together 13 years. And he has told me before that he wants a lot of sex. We used to have sex about twice a week. Not anymore. After my son was born (7 years ago) my husband did something awful that left me telling him to get out. He didn't and he sort of apologized... But right then and there... I somehow checked out physically. I didn't enjoy sex w him much any life because I think I lost respect for him. 

We've been thru therapy a lot.. Mainly for other issues. And he also had a porn addiction. 

Now I HATE having sex with him. I don't hate sex... I just can't bring myself to initiate with him. I need to drink to even get close to sex. We went a long period where all he wanted was for me to give him a hand job. That only made my opinion grow... That this was NOT pleasurable. 

Now he rarely initiates. It was our anniversary yesterday and we got into a fight. He went to sleep. 

I am to blame for not wearing sexy things to bed. Or enticing him... But I loathe the idea.. With him. 

Some have suggested if our sex life were better he'd work harder... But I can't even bring myself to do it. 

What can be done? I do feel guilty...
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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Do you love him?


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> Do you love him?


Define love please? This is not a fair question.
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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

jay1365 said:


> Define love please? This is not a fair question.


Each of us defines love in our own way. I think that the question is fair. The question could perhaps be broader:

Are you invested in fixing this problem, and why? If not, what is preventing you from closing this chapter of your life and moving on without your husband?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

what did he do that was so awfull?

it seems like that is the sticking point. where you lost respect for him.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Please let us know what he did, so we all can help you and understand.

Do you still love your hubby or have already moved on?


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

It would seem to me to be a marriage running on empty. 

I am not sure why you continue to live with a man who did something so bad that it caused you to hate sex with him.

What's left in the relationship that you need?

A need for emotional support from someone who hurt you deeply is unlikely.
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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You don't love him, and you don't want him. The right thing to do is to let him go. Even if he says he doesn't want that, it's what's best for both of you. A few years later you'll both be happier for the decision.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I don't know - I'm a fan of fixing things that are fixable and making a break if it cant be fixed. I'm not a fan of suffering through marriage. Its your one life to live and love and the only life you have to have sex.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

What was so awful?

Just days after our son was born I was home with him and one of our dogs tried to attack our son in the swing. 
I was able to beat the dog off. When DH heard about this he didnt believe me. I told him the dog had to live outdoors from now on or find a new home. My husband threatened to kill the dog and himself .... And said he loved the dog so much he wanted to die with her. 

I told him to get his crap together. I called his mother and she tAlked some sense into him. 

I will say he's not done anything like that since. But somehow that forever changed the way I saw him. 

I love him as a person. But I am not the best wife to him. He thinks I am and says so. But I don't give him sex etc. 



WorkingOnMe said:


> You don't love him, and you don't want him. The right thing to do is to let him go. Even if he says he doesn't want that, it's what's best for both of you. A few years later you'll both be happier for the decision.


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## easy_e (Sep 11, 2013)

Have you told your H that this is how you feel and why? If not......time to do that and figure out if this is something you can get past. 

You say he's not like that now and hasn't been since. Why do you hang onto this thought of him, if he is not like that today?

Only you can decide if you want to carry this thought of him forever, or if you want to look at him today going forward. He can do nothing about the past.....neither can you, but you have everything going forward. Your choice.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

If you still want to salvage your relationship, you need to move past your resentment for him. I'd suggest marital counseling. I think first you need to dig deep and ask yourself if you really want to salvage it though.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I was reading this and thinking what on earth could he have done to make her never want sex with him again.

After reading the above I think...yeah ok.
Unforgivable.
The guys a jerk.

I'm usually very pro marriage but I don't see how you're going to get from where you are right now to where you both want to get to... ie: living a loving and sexual life as a couple.
Even with counselling.

You used the word 'loathe'. That's a pretty strong word to use about how you feel about having sex with your husband. I've never known a woman (person) to go from disliking their spouse that much to falling back in love and everything being all rosy.

You do need to do something though or nothing will change. Do you still want to be living this life in another 10 or 20 years?


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

mega1 said:


> What was so awful?
> 
> Just days after our son was born I was home with him and one of our dogs tried to attack our son in the swing.
> I was able to beat the dog off. When DH heard about this he didnt believe me. I told him the dog had to live outdoors from now on or find a new home. My husband threatened to kill the dog and himself .... And said he loved the dog so much he wanted to die with her.
> ...


Excuse my ignorance but I fail to see why this is unforgivable. Did he mean he loved the dog more than his own son and wouldnt mind if his son got hurt by the dog.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

We've been through therapy. And I don't know what it was for me that caused me to shut down. But I pinpoint it to that time period. It just hasn't been the same since. I think I loosened up and things improved but then OTHER things started happening... He was acting like a jerk/child in other areas of life. 

Now im in bankruptcy ... And filing alOne because he says that one of us needs good credit for cars and house etc. that is true and I understand that to a degree. But he didn't even help me with paperwork or attend meetings with me. 


And now (as I've said in another thread) he is counting on me to build a side business (in addition to my day job) to get more income. Problem is his screw ups have cost me 50k in 2 months time. 

He's a smart man. He is. But I look at him and I see the "issues". 

And his idea of being funny or romantic is pretending to slap his ass and pose like Marilyn Monroe singing Santa baby. It's just not romantic. It's all awkward. I have TRIED to get myself to initiate with him. And I do .. Often out of guilt obligation. But it's just painful now. He doesn't know that. I gave him a BJ recently just so it would be over fast. 




easy_e said:


> Have you told your H that this is how you feel and why? If not......time to do that and figure out if this is something you can get past.
> 
> You say he's not like that now and hasn't been since. Why do you hang onto this thought of him, if he is not like that today?
> 
> Only you can decide if you want to carry this thought of him forever, or if you want to look at him today going forward. He can do nothing about the past.....neither can you, but you have everything going forward. Your choice.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Can you explain why you want to stay with him at this point? Is it obligation or do you love him or is it security?


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

Yes. 



accept1 said:


> Excuse my ignorance but I fail to see why this is unforgivable. Did he mean he loved the dog more than his own son and wouldnt mind if his son got hurt by the dog.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

accept1 said:


> Excuse my ignorance but I fail to see why this is unforgivable. Did he mean he loved the dog more than his own son and wouldnt mind if his son got hurt by the dog.


Wife told him what happened.
He didn't believe her (so she's lying/exaggerating).
She says dog lives outside or you have to give her away (she can't live in the house as she's a danger to our infant).
He said he'd rather KILL the DOG and KILL HIMSELF than make the dog live outside or give the dog away.

So, YES, he loves the dog MORE than wife and son since he'd rather DIE WITH THE DOG than live with wife & son without dog.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

We've been through therapy. And I don't know what it was for me that caused me to shut down. But I pinpoint it to that time period. It just hasn't been the same since. I think I loosened up and things improved but then OTHER things started happening... He was acting like a jerk/child in other areas of life. 

Now im in bankruptcy ... And filing alOne because he says that one of us needs good credit for cars and house etc. that is true and I understand that to a degree. But he didn't even help me with paperwork or attend meetings with me. 


And now (as I've said in another thread) he is counting on me to build a side business (in addition to my day job) to get more income. Problem is his screw ups have cost me 50k in 2 months time. 

He's a smart man. He is. But I look at him and I see the "issues". 

And his idea of being funny or romantic is pretending to slap his ass and pose like Marilyn Monroe singing Santa baby. It's just not romantic. It's all awkward. I have TRIED to get myself to initiate with him. And I do .. Often out of guilt obligation. But it's just painful now. He doesn't know that. I gave him a BJ recently just so it would be over fast...



QUOTE=MissScarlett;4609601]Can you explain why you want to stay with him at this point? Is it obligation or do you love him or is it security?[/QUOTE]
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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I don't know HOW you come back from having NO RESPECT for the man. I don't see turning that around at all.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

Well, I think (in hindsight) that his little charade was just that... An act to get his way. He saw our son's torn up clothing from the bite and the scratch on my hand from beating the dog off. But he still couldn't see the importance of our safety. He wanted HIS way. 

It's kind of like when I asked to downsize cars. He threatened to ride a scooter (with a 4 year old at the time). He knew it was ludicrous. 






SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Wife told him what happened.
> He didn't believe her (so she's lying/exaggerating).
> She says dog lives outside or you have to give her away (she can't live in the house as she's a danger to our infant).
> He said he'd rather KILL the DOG and KILL HIMSELF than make the dog live outside or give the dog away.
> ...


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

Now you say he didnt really mean it. You seem to be having other troubles at the moment. Maybe now is not the time to sort this out.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

Well, I have heard from some...that if we had a better life in this dept...we would be happier through the challenges. That was one of the criticisms of me....

So, I came here..thinking maybe someone had some input for me...I am not perfect obviously.

He says he has self esteem issues too....so that is why he is not always initiating... but that was when I force the issue and bring it up. I haven't done that in some time...


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I don't know HOW you come back from having NO RESPECT for the man. I don't see turning that around at all.


OP, you can't make yourself respect him. He has to earn that himself. It doesn't sound like from what you've described that he's interested in doing that.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

I went back to therapy today and only briefly touched on our poor sex life. 

I'm a bit perplexed at myself. I desperately want sex... Just not with my husband. I've even been tempted to have an affair. It's not biological. 

Just not sure if I could ever get the desire back WITH him. And let me ask guys this.. Do you ask for or request....sex? 
we've gone months w/o sex. Awhile back I confronted him and asked him why he never talked about it or requested it (he asked that I initiate instead). 

So he said he would try harder... And talk about his desires. He doesn't/hasn't. I would GUESS he is sexually miserable... But I don't know? 

What should I think? 


Fozzy said:


> OP, you can't make yourself respect him. He has to earn that himself. It doesn't sound like from what you've described that he's interested in doing that.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

mega1 said:


> I went back to therapy today and only briefly touched on our poor sex life.
> 
> I'm a bit perplexed at myself. I desperately want sex... Just not with my husband. I've even been tempted to have an affair. It's not biological.
> 
> ...


Apparently, at this point, your husband isn't sexually miserable enough to do anything about it. He may have low testosterone. He may be having his sexual needs met elsewhere. Or, he may be getting some emotional payoff from denying you sex.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

I really think I would respect him if he asked for things (like sex) in the relationship. And yes I've told him this... But, I don't know how to break this cycle. I'm sure I could drop my clothing and have sex with him... But at this point... I don't want to. It's so awkward. 



Rowan said:


> Apparently, at this point, your husband isn't sexually miserable enough to do anything about it. He may have low testosterone. He may be having his sexual needs met elsewhere. Or, he may be getting some emotional payoff from denying you sex.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Your better off letting him go and divorcing. You already checked out emotionally and for very good reasons! You deserve much better then this. Your h is showing signs of verbal/emotional abuse towards you, especially manipulating you that he'd kill himself.:/. Good luck.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

You have bluntly sat him down and clearly told him 
how you need him to grow up and make changes
and be responsible?

If you are holding resentment and disgust for him
he will know and get this vibe from you.I know
when my wife stays angry for silly little things
and I feel it even though she dosen't tell me.

My advice is be direct and tell him what you need
from him and if you both can't fix it then you
both would be better off getting divorced

It's very hard to forgive and communicate.

Good Luck


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

Good point and I appreciate a man's perspective too. 

I have many times .. Sat him Down and told him. In fact we have separated two times briefly over these issues. It was when I was in therapy and getting strength. 

The last time wasn't separation but ... I told him I thought we were done. I said I'm not giving you what you need and vise versa. I told him that we do this dance where we get mad... Improve for a bit...and then go right back to where we were. He said he wanted to try harder for the sake of our son. 

So .. He's been told... Very very clearly. I feel like saying it AGAIN isn't worth it. 



nevergveup said:


> You have bluntly sat him down and clearly told him
> how you need him to grow up and make changes
> and be responsible?
> 
> ...


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## easy_e (Sep 11, 2013)

I think most relationship problems can be resolved, only when BOTH people realize they are not victims. You each have issues that you bring into the relationship, if you could learn to first own and then focus to changing those issues individually....and then once all that is resolved start to look at the marriage, most times it can be worked out. You both would need to stop blaming each other and own your own actions and behaviors first. 

So the list of shyt you have that he does wrong or has done wrong, he will probably have just as long of a list. Really tho, if you want it to work.....why bother looking at either of those lists and start to look at yourselves as individuals first. 

Example:

Your H is clearly broken and needs help to threaten to kill himself, why don't you support him in getting help?

He didn't believe you when you told him.....is it possible you have acted in an untrustworthy way in the past for him not to trust you now? (Like you lied to him about past partners, buying something, etc...) Small lies are still lies.....they break trust. Can you own it tho? Or is it all him?

Just something for you to think about....


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

I understand... And respect what you had to say. The suicide threat was years ago... And I did get him help. I immediately got him into therapy... 
And he was only threatening me. It was clear (after) that it was fake. 


easy_e said:


> I think most relationship problems can be resolved, only when BOTH people realize they are not victims. You each have issues that you bring into the relationship, if you could learn to first own and then focus to changing those issues individually....and then once all that is resolved start to look at the marriage, most times it can be worked out. You both would need to stop blaming each other and own your own actions and behaviors first.
> 
> So the list of shyt you have that he does wrong or has done wrong, he will probably have just as long of a list. Really tho, if you want it to work.....why bother looking at either of those lists and start to look at yourselves as individuals first.
> 
> ...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It's clear why you don't want sex: you are married to a spoiled child. You basically have two children to take care of, except that one of them wants sex. He says he wants to try for your son but maybe he also doesn't want to give up your financial support. The sooner you end this misery the better of you'll both be.
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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

mega1 said:


> I'm a bit perplexed at myself. I desperately want sex... Just not with my husband. I've even been tempted to have an affair. It's not biological.
> 
> Just not sure if I could ever get the desire back WITH him. And let me ask guys this.. Do you ask for or request....sex?
> we've gone months w/o sex. Awhile back I confronted him and asked him why he never talked about it or requested it


Are you joking????? :scratchhead:

In one breath, you say you have no desire for your husband. In the next breath you ask why he doesn't try to initiate sex anymore! You seriously have to ask this question?

It's as plain as the nose on your face that he's tired of being rejected by you, and that only drives down his self-esteem even further, probably causing him to behave even worse in your eyes. It's a self-perpetuating cycle.

I agree with most of the others here. If you can't forgive him for some of the things he's done, then you will have to move on. You want him to change, I get that, and he probably should. But barring some miracle it's unlikely he's going to change unless you change as well. And no, drinking so that you can have sex with him isn't a good way to do that.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

Well it began with me wanting him to initiate... But then it turned into my disappointment. 

So, I can completely understand what you r saying. I just don't know how to make myself be drawn to him again... 

There's just a lot of history. 




Theseus said:


> Are you joking????? :scratchhead:
> 
> In one breath, you say you have no desire for your husband. In the next breath you ask why he doesn't try to initiate sex anymore! You seriously have to ask this question?
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Theseus said:


> Are you joking????? :scratchhead:
> 
> In one breath, you say you have no desire for your husband. In the next breath you ask why he doesn't try to initiate sex anymore! You seriously have to ask this question?
> 
> ...


It's probably a good idea to consider the things that killed her desire to have sex with him. In the past he seldom initiated. He does not want sex with her, he wants her to give him a hand job and that’s it. He will not spend the time for PIV or to give her any sexual pleasure.

Why would any woman want to have ‘sex’ with a man who only wants a hand job and not sex that includes here getting something out of it as well?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mega1 said:


> Well it began with me wanting him to initiate... But then it turned into my disappointment.


You want him to have a normal sex drive and to desire you. You want him to want real sex and to have the desire for there to be mutual pleasure in sex. 



mega1 said:


> So, I can completely understand what you r saying. I just don't know how to make myself be drawn to him again...


There is nothing that you can do to make yourself drawn to him again. That’s because he gives you nothing in return sexually.

He is the same about sex as he is about everything else. He is passive aggressive. He does things in a way that are designed to drive you nuts while he stands there thinking he looks like the agreeable victim. It’s all an act to punish you. Withholding sex is often a passive aggressive way to punish one’s spouse. It’s working isn’t it?


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

mega1 said:


> Well it began with me wanting him to initiate... But then it turned into my disappointment....


I think you mean you wanted him to ask for sex in a way that honored you and your marriage, but from what you've written, that's very unlikely.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Megs1 - I guess the one thing I would tell you is you have to love someone for who they are not who you want them to be. Yes he made some mistakes...all be it a larger one....but you have to decide if you accept and can love him even though he may be immature and have some growing up to do. He disappointed you, he lost your respect, that is why your struggling with attraction to him. Now you have to decide to forgive and let him mature or move on.
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