# Unsure of when to confront cheater



## lgk10 (Mar 17, 2017)

four days ago I found some emails and Facebook messenger chats from and to my wife that lead me to believe that she has had a physical relationship with at least 1 other man and has pursued other men. 
We have been together for nearly 20 years. Married for 17. 3 kids. youngest is 10. all 3 live at home. We both work and she goes to school full time as well trying to get a degree in a new field.
For as long as i have known her she has worked in a hair salon. In that salon they give neck and head massages and they cater to men. This was never something that bothered me. Four days ago I found a bunch of emails in her Sent box that portray a long term relationship at minimum over email and facetime. Possibly more based on the wording. I looked into the man's contact info on her computer and it showed that there were a total of 307 emails exchanged over a period of about 18 months. The last email was about 4 months ago. It also revealed that she has sent 6 nude photos to him - all topless - the text in some of the emails promised bottomless photos but there was no trace of them on her email. The man she has the relationship with is married with kids of his own according to his posts. They talk about knowing where each other would be and and then just having fake random run ins. That way they could see each other in public and if other people saw them they would not think it was intentional. 
I also found some Facebook messenger chats with a former high school friend and she talked about traveling back to her home town and meeting up for drinks with him. She also told him that she was upset about me being laid off 2 years prior and having to accept a lower paying job which forced her to have to contribute more to the bills. She said that I now work at night and i just sleep all day (which is untrue - i work at night but also take and pick up the kids from school - run them to sports, doctor appointments and do housework). She also talked to him about divorce and said that she couldnt leave me because of the kids. The guy she was talking to said he was divorced and he regretted it because of the effect on the kids.
About 3 months before i found these things I had found a couple of screenshots from her phone that posted to dropbox for some unknown reason but they showed her using emojis with kisses and puckered lips - she was telling this other guy how she missed talking to him. I had immediately conforted her about this and she passed it off as nothing went farther than texts and that she was stressed over school and work and handled the situation wrong - that the guy was an old family friend and that she got caught up in the moment without thinking. I forgave her - expressed my feelings and told her that we would move on without further discussion of the matter but that i expected any relationship with this guy to be done.

I have never spoken badly about my wife to anyone in 20 years. I always thought we had a really strong relationship and I actually bragged to others on how great we had it. My wife has never confronted me about problems with our relationship.
I cant even begin to express how heartbroken i was when i read those emails. I was using her laptop for work and she was not in the room (we were on vacation with the kids and she had them at the pool - she knew i was using her computer). When she came back i had to stand up and walk into the other room because i was shaking so bad. My chest hurt and i felt physically sick. I have not confronted her yet and im unsure when would be the best time.

She is in school and has 2.5 semesters left before graduation. I feel like i should wait until the end of this semester to confront her (June(3 months)) so that she can concentrate on her degree. Whether we stay together or not i want her to better herself and be able to support herself. If this relationship is dead then its dead and confronting her right now could destroyer her ability to finish her semester with good grades. I cant change what has already happened and i have no use in trying to pull her back in if she feels this relationship is trash.

I really truly love her and never thought this would be an issue. I have never been with another woman since the day we met and I thought she was true to me as well. The embarrassment is killing even though i have not told a single person about this.

Advice?


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

If possible wait until she graduates so you won't have as great a support obligation. 

If you can pull it off you'll probably be better off in the long run. 

Might not hurt to start lining up your ducks, getting your finances in order, protect any assets you can by..um.. moving things around, and consult with an attorney, given that you have some time to plan ahead.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Remember you love the woman she was not the woman she now.....find out where OM live and expose it to his wife....keep everything as evidence make several copies and keep original someplace safe...also DNA the kids. Look up 180... hold off telling her everything until you have all your info.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

*Better get all the evidence lined up first. Store it in a safe place.* At least you can't/won't be in denial of what she's into. Obviously she has zero respect for you and how you handle this will probably determine if she will have any in the future. You should see an attorney and see what your rights are in your state.

If it were me I'd expose to the other betrayed spouses involved first (WITHOUT WARNING).

Let them deal with the fallout.

You need to decide what you want first. Don't let her decide or put your life, family and future in her hands. She can't be trusted. You love the fantasy of who she is in your mind but there's no denying who she is.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Best to confront right away. I knew a woman who waited too long and as a result got an STD that will be with her for the rest of her life. She also passed it along to others after her separation from her husband. The longer you wait the more emboldened your spouse will be to keep on cheating. It is your life and your decision though and not those of strangers like me.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

While you're considering your next steps, back up EVERYTHING.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Waiting until June is a good idea. It is best for you and your children that she finishes her degree and can earn more.

If you feel you need more solid evidence, you could use this time to gather more.

I agree that you need to get tested for STDs. Then if at all possible, stop having any sex with her.

By the way, what has your sex life been like over the last 2 years?

See a lawyer and start preparing for divorce. Even if you would want to try to reconcile, still prepare for divorce so that you are in a good position.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Marc878 said:


> *Better get all the evidence lined up first. Store it in a safe place.* At least you can't/won't be in denial of what she's into. Obviously she has zero respect for you and how you handle this will probably determine if she will have any in the future. You should see an attorney and see what your rights are in your state.
> 
> If it were me I'd expose to the other betrayed spouses involved first (WITHOUT WARNING).
> 
> ...


*The thing is that whenever you choose to tell the OM's W, then everybody, including your very own deceptive, cheating W is going to find out that you are wise to it and that their cover is finally blown!

To hell with her educational pursuits! It's more than obvious that the fruits of them would be used to cheat even more against you! She's exploiting you by now considering you as her "Plan B" because of the greener grass she's busy foraging for on the other side of the fence!

I'd say that it's the right time to go "cash her check" over at the "First Bank of Skank," right this very minute! 

Then go get yourself a good family attorney to fully advise you of both your property and custodial rights! And please get yourself tested by your family doctor for the presence of any STD's!*


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Sounds similar to my situation, I found a text on my wife's phone from another man that was sexually suggestive. She had responded to the text but very vaguely. I confronted her about an hour later about it after she kept asking me what was wrong. I wasn't going to say anything at that time but I exploded. She claimed it was just a text and nothing had ever happened. I confronted him about it and he said the same but adding that they did kind of flirt from time to time. Since then I have gained full access to her phone without her knowing and I have gone through everything on it. There has been no more communication with him, texts about it with her close friends all say the same thing that it was just an unsolicited text and I was making it out to be more than it really is and even thinking back there have been no times that she was out without me or late home from work that her whereabouts wasn't accounted for or confirmed.

I still keep a very watchful eye on things and access the phone randomly when I can to check but I haven't seen anything else. I know I confronted her to soon and probably should've waited to collect more evidence, all I did by confronting her was cause her to withdraw and make things even more tense then they've been. On the other hand I think, what if the text I saw was the other man's way of making a move on starting something physical? I had seen that my wife spoke to him about our relationship so he knew she was vulnerable and he had admitted to me that they had flirted in the past. So I also question, did I just catch things in time and confront her right before things got physical? I don't know, but what I do know is that I'm not letting my guard down.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*... and what's even worse, @AtMyEnd ~ is that even though these texts were effectively caught in time, the implicit aura of trust between the two of you will never ever quite be the same again, with you constantly looking over your shoulder from here on out!*


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Talk to a lawyer right away. Get your legal ducks in a row, ready to go after she finishes her last final exam of the semester.

As to confrontation, it depends on your goal.

The train has left the station as far as preventing an affair. If you want to kill an affair to save the marriage, you would confront after you have gathered proof positive of the affair. Then you expose widely for the purpose of making the affair very uncomfortable to continue. This, hopefully, would remove a major obstacle to reconciliation.

But if your intent is to divorce, there is no reason to have a big confrontation. She knows she's cheated numerous times. You know she's cheated. All you have to say is "I know you've been cheating and here are the divorce papers". You can use the threat of exposure as a lever to get her to cooperate in the divorce process. Not blackmail though. As long as she doesn't lie about you, doesn't ask for ridiculous property settlements, etc, you have no reason to out her affairs to the world. Offer her a fair settlement which she can sign off on, and in return you don't go scorched earth on her.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Wait until the end of the semester? Are you serious. Back up all the evidence. Go to a lawyer and get your ducks in a row. It is very likely that she is preparing an exit plan. 

Usually only bold strong action can shake a WW out of the fog. These would include simultaneously having her served at work while at the same time exposing to her family and friends. The exposure that seems to really work consistently includes exposing to older teen kids.

But to be honest, are you sure that you want to salvage this? In order for her to work and be a full-time student, I imagine you have taken on a heavy load to enable her to do this. Not even taking finances into the picture. Here you are trying to be a loving supportive husband and she's carrying on multiple affairs. Obviously doesn't give a rip about the instability that a divorce is going to cause her teens.

For a married mother of 3 to be sending out nude pics of herself to guys that she really doesn't know that well is beyond irresponsible. What if these pics end up on a porn site that one of your teens could visit. Can you imagine the shame a teen would feel to see their mother like that.

Just want to add that since she's carrying on with more than one OM, that there is a high chance that she's had prior affairs.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Are you sure you can tolerate what not confronting will do to you? Many people, myself included, could not simply go on as if nothing is wrong. Trying to hold that in would do more harm to me than it would be worth. It is admirable that you care enough for her to allow her to complete her scholastic endeavors but at this point her degree would be of little concern to me in the light of the possible destruction of my marriage.

For me it would be impossible not to gather all the information available to be had and then present it to her for an explanation the result of which would determine if she would graduate as a married or single woman. Good fortune Sir.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Seriously, WHY would you wait for her schooling to be complete?? MAKE SURE you have all evidence safely stored someplace (in the cloud). You need to decide WHAT you want to do about this: D or R. Personally, I couldn't R in a situation like this. It looks like she has cheated MORE than once, so why give her more chances? Staying for "the children" is a bad decision as the examples from your marriage will greatly impact their future relationships. Show them that you are a person of integrity who will NOT put up with the disrespect and amoral behavior. IF you are certain, and it sounds like you are, confront. WHILE you do this though, I would suggest using a VAR during the discussions. You may want to go back and reference items and I wouldn't trust memory in such emotional conversations.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Say, where are all the successful reconcilors? Still trying to reconcile or failed. It's fraught with danger. Not saying you shouldn't try but have a good think about it if it comes to that scenario.

The thing is once they have tasted the forbidden fruit it's done. You can't unscramble the scrambled eggs (no pun intended). You never know what the other person is really thinking. Cheaters lie, minimise, gaslight....they don't want to keep rehashing it with you; and if they do, even if they let you vent for hours every night, you'd still wonder.

Even if your wife proclaimed reconciliation and undying devotion you'd still wonder. See, it's the sting of the betrayal (the unwanted gift that just keeps giving) and the endless tentacles it creates that spread like a virulent weed. It's always there, ever present and waiting for one of a thousand triggers to upload it to the frontal lobe. 

I wish you well.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Googl serial cheaters. Thoughts of reconciliation are misplaced.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Thor said:


> Talk to a lawyer right away. Get your legal ducks in a row, ready to go after she finishes her last final exam of the semester.
> 
> As to confrontation, it depends on your goal.
> 
> ...


*The only part that I really take exception to here is that the cheater should definitely be "outed," not as much for being the unequivocal "cheater" that they have so aptly demonstrated themselves to be; but for being the universal, consummate "liar" that they have so grossly represented themselves to be, in the eyes of the world, inclusive of family, mutual friends, church, and the public in general!

After all, since they obviously had no real problem in systematically and covertly stabbing their BS in the back with a serrated knife in their ultimate betrayal of their mutual marriage vows; then why on earth shouldn't "turnabout" in outing them be fair play?*


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

I'm sorry but I wouldn't wait. Why torture yourself until June? Her degree is NOT your problem and educated or not once you leave her she is going to try and get as much money from you that she can. And she can. Respect yourself. She doesn't deserve it anymore. Save the evidence, get YOUR affairs n order, STI tests, and DNA for the kids, tell the other man's wife, then leave her point blank. Don't waste another damn day of your life loving that wretched woman.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

arbitrator said:


> *... and what's even worse, @AtMyEnd ~ is that even though these texts were effectively caught in time, the implicit aura of trust between the two of you will never ever quite be the same again, with you constantly looking over your shoulder from here on out!*


That's been the hardest part about all this so far, the feeling that I don't trust her like I used to. Things have gotten better over the last month, from what I can see she hasn't had any further contact with him, and her whereabouts and who she's with when she goes out is always confirmed. There have been a few little things that have happened, like she's testing me and trying to get me to admit that I'm spying on her and watching her every move, but I haven't admitted to anything and the things she's accused me of doing I've actually been able to prove her wrong, even though she still says she doesn't believe I'm not spying on her.

The strangest thing about how I've been feeling though, is I recently dug up and learned a lot more about the man who texted her. I found out his last name, address, what school he teaches at, that he recently got married 2 years ago, his wife's name, his wife's Facebook and Twitter account information and even the odd coincidence that his wife is the sister of an old friend of mine from high school, lol.
Now being that all I ever saw was the one text from him and that there's nothing I've found that says there ever was anything more than that, I don't feel I should contact his wife over the one text. But it is comforting to know that I have all this information, and if I ever find anything else to prove something did in fact happen or if he sends another text like he sent, I can make his world imploded within a matter of minutes with just a few emails to his wife, the school board, the PTA and Facebook posts to his wife's account, the school districts page, the parents association page, and wherever else I can think of, lol.

I have settled down emotionally since all this happened and I don't feel it's right to ruin his life and in turn piss my wife off that I did and make my relationship bad again all over one text that he sent. But yes, if it happens again or if I uncover other information it's open season on making his life a living hell, lol


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

AtMyEnd said:


> That's been the hardest part about all this so far, the feeling that I don't trust her like I used to. Things have gotten better over the last month, from what I can see she hasn't had any further contact with him, and her whereabouts and who she's with when she goes out is always confirmed. There have been a few little things that have happened, like she's testing me and trying to get me to admit that I'm spying on her and watching her every move, but I haven't admitted to anything and the things she's accused me of doing I've actually been able to prove her wrong, even though she still says she doesn't believe I'm not spying on her.
> 
> The strangest thing about how I've been feeling though, is I recently dug up and learned a lot more about the man who texted her. I found out his last name, address, what school he teaches at, that he recently got married 2 years ago, his wife's name, his wife's Facebook and Twitter account information and even the odd coincidence that his wife is the sister of an old friend of mine from high school, lol.
> Now being that all I ever saw was the one text from him and that there's nothing I've found that says there ever was anything more than that, I don't feel I should contact his wife over the one text. But it is comforting to know that I have all this information, and if I ever find anything else to prove something did in fact happen or if he sends another text like he sent, I can make his world imploded within a matter of minutes with just a few emails to his wife, the school board, the PTA and Facebook posts to his wife's account, the school districts page, the parents association page, and wherever else I can think of, lol.
> ...


Maybe, you just don't care that some other dude is banging your wife, and you are more bothered by the lies.


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## AussieRN (Mar 28, 2013)

If there's been no emails for 4 months its quite possible one of the cheaters has called it off. She might have gotten the guilts or he might have or he might have been busted by his wife. My point is there might not now be anything to spy on until/if/when it happens again.

Regardless of this... mate she sent topless photos of herself to some random guy she met. If my missus was topless around my mates at the beach or something I couldn't care less, but the minute she started email pics of herself topless to someone she met there'd be trouble. Its all about context.

As others suggest I would get ducks lined up, DNA tests, STD tests etc. Better to err on the side of caution. 
Without proof of actual meeting/sex/whatever she will just minimise it all by saying it was just harmless flirting and nothing actually happened.
She suspects you're spying because your behaviour has changed. Try not to treat anyone or anything differently while you spy.

I wish you the best of luck with it all and I hope happier times ahead for you.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

AtMyEnd isn't the OP whose wife sent the nude pics. OP has only made one post so far.

AtMyEnd, so far there is nothing in what you've written which is very damning. The guy apparently sent a message which was over the line, but your wife seems to have deflected it. I wouldn't be paranoid about it at this point. I would taper off the surveillance of your wife since you have not found anything further.

And, yes, I'd blow up his world if he tries anything further.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

DepressedHusband said:


> Maybe, you just don't care that some other dude is banging your wife, and you are more bothered by the lies.


Well if there was something that pointed to the fact that she was being banged by another guy, yes that would bother me, but there isn't anything that points to that. Everything that I have found actually points to the fact that other than one text he sent, nothing ever happened. I drove myself crazy with all the "what if's" when I first saw the text and confronted her. But since then everything I've found and seen on her phone, VAR recordings and behavior, nothing has pointed to a physical affair. And because of that, for my own sanity and well being, I can't keep thinking that there was a physical affair. All I can do is keep my guard up and look for any additional signs or evidence of anything and investigate them if they come up.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Thor said:


> AtMyEnd isn't the OP whose wife sent the nude pics. OP has only made one post so far.
> 
> AtMyEnd, so far there is nothing in what you've written which is very damning. The guy apparently sent a message which was over the line, but your wife seems to have deflected it. I wouldn't be paranoid about it at this point. I would taper off the surveillance of your wife since you have not found anything further.
> 
> And, yes, I'd blow up his world if he tries anything further.


I'll admit, I saw a text from another man and a rather vague response from my wife and blew up. Things between us haven't been great and seeing that was a trigger. Yes at the beginning I was paranoid about it and that actually made things worse. The more I investigated the more I realized that I did make a big deal over something that she did deflect. My original thinking was how could someone send a person a text like that unless they knew full well it would be accepted or that something was going on, and from everything I've seen since then, my assumptions have been proven wrong. I have backed off on the surveillance but I am still paying close attention to things. If another flag pops up, yes I'll look into it, but for now it's just not worth driving myself crazy over it.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

AtMyEnd said:


> Well if there was something that pointed to the fact that she was being banged by another guy, yes that would bother me, but there isn't anything that points to that. Everything that I have found actually points to the fact that other than one text he sent, nothing ever happened. I drove myself crazy with all the "what if's" when I first saw the text and confronted her. But since then everything I've found and seen on her phone, VAR recordings and behavior, nothing has pointed to a physical affair. And because of that, for my own sanity and well being, I can't keep thinking that there was a physical affair. All I can do is keep my guard up and look for any additional signs or evidence of anything and investigate them if they come up.


your gut is not wrong, it just wasn't right this time. 

Trust your gut, and don't be bothered by the social moors of others, just open the conversation, there could also be other sexual dynamics that attracts these guys, is your wife submissive ? that will attract dominants like crazy and few have my level of self restraint. I will say this, I can spot a submissive in 30 seconds through verbal cues, body language and gestures and sure as **** I can usually **** them anytime I want to, and I did **** many many many of them prior to meeting my wife, who was the first women challenging enough to hold my interest. 

emotional affairs while not cheating can be worse then cheating on many many levels.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

DepressedHusband said:


> your gut is not wrong, it just wasn't right this time.
> 
> Trust your gut, and don't be bothered by the social moors of others, just open the conversation, there could also be other sexual dynamics that attracts these guys, is your wife submissive ? that will attract dominants like crazy and few have my level of self restraint. I will say this, I can spot a submissive in 30 seconds through verbal cues, body language and gestures and sure as **** I can usually **** them anytime I want to, and I did **** many many many of them prior to meeting my wife, who was the first women challenging enough to hold my interest.
> 
> emotional affairs while not cheating can be worse then cheating on many many levels.


That's the thing though, I'm not even sure it was an emotional affair. I've had an emotional affair and been caught for it, so I know. What I saw on her phone in the text thread, other than the text from him, was talk about everyday things and nothing more. I do know and saw that she talked about our relationship problems with him so he knew that she wasn't 100% happy. What I think is that he knew she was vulnerable because of our problems and the text he sent was him throwing out the bait to see if she'd bite, and from what I saw she didn't.


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

If you confront her she'll downplay it the way she did the last time even though it's worse.

"Oh sorry it was a bad decision, I was lonely, you work at nite and sleep all day so I made a mistake but it was only messages and as you can see it stopped 4 months ago, it won't happen again now leave me alone".

See it won't accomplish anything.

Fact is she cheated or almost did, with one or two guys or even more and you'll never get the truth unless you find out for yourself by snooping using currently available technology and even maybe hiring a PI. 

Then when and if you get all the facts you can decide if you want to live with her, if not you file for D if so you confront her without telling her everything you have and give her a chance to come clean. If she doesn't, well then you have no choice but to leave her or stay and live with deceit and misery until you finally do leave.


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## Grapes (Oct 21, 2016)

Dont wait - It will drive you mad! Thats a long time to hold off knowing this and acting as if things are fine. That is no way to live.

Im not sure from your post if R is in your heard or not. Either way you need to blow this sky high and you have EVERYTHING needed to do it with the emails, pics etc. 

I wouldn't hold off with this evidence. I would back everything up, print 1 of the topless photos, put it in a folder along with some printed D forms for your state and slide it over to her without saying a single word. Then walk away. Stay silent. then observe.


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## Grapes (Oct 21, 2016)

stixx said:


> If you confront her she'll downplay it the way she did the last time even though it's worse.
> 
> "Oh sorry it was a bad decision, I was lonely, you work at nite and sleep all day so I made a mistake but it was only messages and as you can see it stopped 4 months ago, it won't happen again now leave me alone".
> 
> ...


What more facts? Why a PI? He has emails & NUDE PHOTOS! I mean come on. Its time to ACT, not snoop. She is obviously cheating! Its up to OP to do something about it.


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