# Not telling spouse friends are past partners



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Say a Dear Annie: Blog where guy, married 18 yrs just found out wife was very promiscous in HS and several of the guys in their social circle were some of her sex partners. 

Dear Annie basically said dont tell the wife it has upset you and basically get over it. Is this a freaking teen blogging this ****!

The fact one spouse never told their hubby/wife that friends they hang with or invite over to the house used to be old F-buddies IS maritial infidelity in my book. 

I would be livid if my wife did not tell me a friend of ours is a guy she used the shag in HS. Common decency should stop a spouse from allowing their hubby/wife to get that close to an old F-buddy.

I myself would not remain friends with old sex partners out of respect for my wife. I have told her she better warn me of this kind of interaction or we are going to get really sideways. It just blows my mind someone would think it was, in the words of another poster, "not a big deal" to have old F-buddies hanging out on the patio or drinking hubbys beer and laughing it up with them in the back yard BBQ. 

Bet the guy is now remembering back how often Joe flirted with wife, or Matt danced with her when they were all out or she disappeared for a bit with Chad because she had something to show him in the bedroom.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Most women would bury that stuff in a box of shame and not even have contact, let alone let one of them near their husband.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

My wife and I started dating at 17 but I had partners before her and I broke up with her quite a few times, had some fun elsewhere, then we'd get back together. Yeah, I was a ****. Anyway, my number is higher than hers and many of them were friends of mine (or hers...). Sometimes it was kissing, sometimes oral, sometimes the whole deal.

She knew some of the names because teenage girls suck and because we were best friends before we dated and she was my confidant. She is the jealous type and she told me not to tell her my number, I did anyway but I didn't tell her the rest of the names. That caused issues for her because we'd be around friends and she'd be wondering if I ****ed so-and-so. So we did eventually talk about it.

For her, maybe it would have been better if she was left in the dark. Who knows.

My wife is the type that totally cut out her ex and partners before me. No contact, pictures deleted, etc. I know her ex's name but I don't know the other two names, nor do I care. Though I despise two guys who flirted with her for years, go figure.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

If you live in a small or medium sized town then it’s virtually impossible not to run into exes from time to time. Of course socializing with them is another story. 
In fact the ex partners would probably be as embarrassed as you would be if the subject came up.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

bobert said:


> My wife and I started dating at 17 but I had partners before her and I broke up with her quite a few times, had some fun elsewhere, then we'd get back together. Yeah, I was a ****. Anyway, my number is higher than hers and many of them were friends of mine (or hers...). Sometimes it was kissing, sometimes oral, sometimes the whole deal.
> 
> She knew some of the names because teenage girls suck and because we were best friends before we dated and she was my confidant. She is the jealous type and she told me not to tell her my number, I did anyway but I didn't tell her the rest of the names. That caused issues for her because we'd be around friends and she'd be wondering if I ****ed so-and-so. So we did eventually talk about it.
> 
> ...


I am same way. Past is past. Done. I may acknowledge her existence if i see she recognizes me.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Andy1001 said:


> If you live in a small or medium sized town then it’s virtually impossible not to run into exes from time to time. Of course socializing with them is another story.
> In fact the ex partners would probably be as embarrassed as you would be if the subject came up.


Right. There are 3700+ in town i grew up in. Less where i live now. But the audacity that some thing nothing of allowing past sex partners to remain close in your/spouses life without informing them those guys/galls and yourself used to be F-buddies. I would seriously be questioning what else my wife has been hiding for the last 20+ years. That **** is something i dont know if i could get past.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

This is why I believe in total honesty in all things.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> This is why I believe in total honesty in all things.


Agreed. No one likes to be made the fool.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> This is why I believe in total honesty in all things.


Even if the past never comes up, do not keep the past present and incorporated into your marriage.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

At the end of the day, if any previous sexual partners are still part of active friendship groups you should be honest with a spouse about that. I can imagine it would be pretty humiliating to find that out years into a marriage.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Obviously that’s a huge violation of trust and of what most would consider acceptable boundaries. 
And I would hope that most would ignore the “get over it and just accept it” advice and take control and set some new boundaries.

but cucks gonna ****...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I wouldn't go so far as to call it marital infidelity, but it definitely not cool to not tell your spouse.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

I would wager if the roles were reversed Dear Annie would have given very different advice to the wife.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

As in all things, I think the devil is in the details and and context is critical. 

I can see several sides of this and as I said above, it’s about context and details. 

People have a fundamental right to their privacy in personal matters and in general I do not believe people are obligated to disclose names, places, positions etc of their prior personal life. 

I also think when these guys come on here flipping out and chest thumping about how she better not have some undisclosed previous partner in the same area code simply reeks of insecurity and immaturity. I mean have a little pride and dignity. We’re all humans, we’re all adults. Let’s accept that we’re no longer puritans marrying 14 year olds and burning witches at the stake. 

As was mentioned in an earlier post, in smaller towns, it’s simply reality that people are going to be around each other to one degree or another. 

That being said, I think there does need to be a level of decorum and appropriate behavior when married. 

If I’m out of town, do I want my partner going out drinking and partying and living it up with dudes she used to be involved with? NO.

Am I ok with male “friends” coming around and hanging out during the day while I’m at work? NO.

But I also don’t believe those things are really appropriate for married people anyway. 

A marriage needs boundaries and expectations for behavior anyway and what kind of behavior and interaction with the opposite sex is acceptable needs to be high on the list of what boundaries and roles are to be in place. 

Now I’m not saying people need to be like Billy Graham who made of point of never being around a woman without his wife present or taking up Sharia Law where women can’t leave the house without a male relative in escort. 

But married couples need to have expectations of conduct and boundaries in place whether people have prior history or not. 

And I don’t get why anyone would want to hang out and be rubbing elbows with an ex in the first place. Almost all of my prior GFs and FWBs etc on my Facebook friends list and I consider all of my prior lives amicable... but I don’t care to actually hang out with them or run around with them. 

Would I be upset if my wife was spending an inordinate amount of time and getting personal with someone and I was to find out they had prior history?? Yeah I would, but I would have an issue with inordinate and inappropriate personal time anyway even if they hadn’t had prior contact. 

So I get it. 

But I think demanding your partner hand over a list of names and places so you don’t flip out if you happen to run into them at Starbucks sometime or end up at a mutual friend’s barbecue is just a display of insecurity and immaturity.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i recall this guy on reddit some time ago and he married his wife and for 7 years she was extremely prudish in the bedroom, denying anything but vanilla sex, then one day was she with their daughter out he was cleaning out a closet and he came across this VHS tape of her with several guys doing everything she denied him, he was livid and when she came hime he showed her the tape and basically told her he wanted a divorce because here he was her husband for 7 years and she denied something she clearly enjoyed with others. She suddenly changed her tune and suddenly wanted to do all those things with him and that she was afraid that he did not marry a tarnished person (not his word but clean), but he said if you were not willing to be creative before now you are just doing it because i found this tape...so that proves you have a lack of love for me and so he wants to divorce her or open the marriage so he find women who honestly want to be with him...not sure about the logic there and not sure where it ended.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Not letting your spouse know that someone in your social circle was a past sex partner would be infuriating and would feel like a betrayal of trust. It’s like they placed a higher importance on their shared past intimacy over protecting their spouse’s feelings. I would not want to be hanging out or inviting into my home some guy who was intimate with my wife. Call it retro active jealousy all you want. It would bother me.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

I got to know some guy before finding out he'd married a woman I'd slept with.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

SpinyNorman said:


> I got to know some guy before finding out he'd married a woman I'd slept with.


In a lot of small towns, or small schools, at the reunions for some men, and women, there are always old friends one has slept with in HS. 

This isn't really a big deal, especially at 20yrs and over reunions.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

The are x for a reason. X stays out of ones life. It make things much less complicated.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We both have friends who are past lovers. We're not in a small town or where we dated, but have kept some of these friends anyway, despite time and distance. IMO, it is always best to disclose that a friend or someone in your social circle is a past lover, but some will neglect to disclose this if their partner is likely to make an issue of it without any cause. If I had a paranoid of jealous partner I would probably not mention a friend's former status unless I were willing to lose the friend - in some small towns doing so could greatly damage your social circle for no good reason. If the dating happened in high school it's quite likely that everyone has a past with one or more of their social group. It seems rather normal.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> But I think demanding your partner hand over a list of names and places so you don’t flip out if you happen to run into them at Starbucks sometime or end up at a mutual friend’s barbecue is just a display of insecurity and immaturity.


This happened to me. Stopped by my bro-in-law's house with his sister, my fiance. Some guy I didn't know was there. Next thing I know he's making snide & insulting remarks to _me. _I figured it out pretty quickly, pulled future ex-wife aside, asked her about it, she confirmed it. A very embarrassing & uncomfortable situation and I got to be the FOOL! I hate being _made_ the fool. I am perfectly capable of doing that on my own.

Now I have dossiers on everyone, biographies, photos, work histories & where possible I've had a few of them RFID chipped.

Seriously, though, it's uncool to make your mate the fool.



Lostinthought61 said:


> ...he came across this VHS tape of her with several guys doing everything she denied him...


Pointing out yet again, the importance of wearing a mask when pumping up your body count in front of a camera.



SpinyNorman said:


> I got to know some guy before finding out he'd married a woman I'd slept with.


@SpinyNorman do tell!

Did you _tell him?_ 

Perhaps ask him if she can still get her legs behind her neck?



Married but Happy said:


> We both have friends who are past lovers.


You, sir, are a exceptional case and probably shouldn't be allowed to post in this type of thread.

I hope I never have to meet you. Falling to the floor and chanting, "I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy," would be very embarrassing.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

I once lived with a woman who had previously slept with nearly everyone I knew.
I was embarrassed for my friends as she was always telling me intimate and unpleasant details about them. "He is the size of a baby carrot", "This guy's room is dirty and he doesn't wash enough" sort of comments. I'd have preferred not to know, but apart from her excessive "sharing" she was a great girl and a lot of fun, if slightly dangerous.

I always wondered what bad stuff she told her new lovers about me, after we broke up?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

jsmart said:


> they placed a higher importance on their shared past intimacy over protecting their spouse’s feelings.


Just another "plan B", I see.....



Married but Happy said:


> doing so could greatly damage your social circle for no good reason


that is,, of course, except for the SOLEMN VOW which promises to "forsake all others" ??



ElwoodPDowd said:


> apart from her excessive "sharing" she was a great girl


is that like "apart from his cult harem, and a few murders....Charlie M. was a great guy....." ??


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

TJW said:


> is that like "apart from his cult harem, and a few murders....Charlie M. was a great guy....." ??


Off topic,
I've met a lot of criminals, gang members, drug dealers, pimps, bank robbers, murderers and they were all surprisingly great guys/girls ....... but you wouldn't want to give offense to any of them (or let them know where you lived).

On the other hand the schoolteachers, police, realtors, lawyers and financial advisors were generally insufferable (and boring).


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

TJW said:


> .....
> that is,, of course, except for the SOLEMN VOW which promises to "forsake all others" ??


Nothing in that vow says you have to give up friends, even if they were PAST lovers. I have not remained friends with most of my past lovers, but have with some whom I respect and trust.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Married but Happy said:


> Nothing in that vow says you have to give up friends, even if they were PAST lovers. I have not remained friends with most of my past lovers, but have with some whom I respect and trust.


BUT have you kept knowledge of them from your wife, or does she know they were past lovers? THAT is the question here.....


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

jsmart said:


> Not letting your spouse know that someone in your social circle was a past sex partner would be infuriating and would feel like a betrayal of trust. It’s like they placed a higher importance on their shared past intimacy over protecting their spouse’s feelings. I would not want to be hanging out or inviting into my home some guy who was intimate with my wife. Call it retro active jealousy all you want. It would bother me.


I would call it protecting the marriage. Same as one not putting themselves in situation where they are tempted and have easy opportunity to cheat.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

frusdil said:


> I wouldn't go so far as to call it marital infidelity, but it definitely not cool to not tell your spouse.


Not talking cheating, talking about not protecting the marriage by being a safe partner and allowing something that will most likely be damaging to the relationship if spouse found out.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> As in all things, I think the devil is in the details and and context is critical.
> 
> I can see several sides of this and as I said above, it’s about context and details.
> 
> ...


I definately would not want a list of names, but if Joe Shmo and i are acquainted, my wife had better damn sure tell me they used to be an item. I damn sure am not wanting to invite a guy my wife used to screw over to my house for parties, meet up for drinks or chill at the lake with him/wife in 👙 and if she wants to remain married she better not allow that to happen.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

SpinyNorman said:


> I got to know some guy before finding out he'd married a woman I'd slept with.


I would have only remained an distant acquaintence or if becoming better friend, i would have told him i had a past relationship with wife before their marriage. He may want to know time frame, they may have been dating then and he may be wondering if he has a cheater on his hands.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> Nothing in that vow says you have to give up friends, even if they were PAST lovers.


That is true, if the management of the friendship is conducted well. However, placing such a high importance on "friends" when it is hurtful to your spouse is a violation of that vow.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

CountryMike said:


> In a lot of small towns, or small schools, at the reunions for some men, and women, there are always old friends one has slept with in HS.
> 
> This isn't really a big deal, especially at 20yrs and over reunions.
> 
> ...


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> Nothing in that vow says you have to give up friends, even if they were PAST lovers. I have not remained friends with most of my past lovers, but have with some whom I respect and trust.


Question is do you respect your spouse enough to tell them the good friends you maintain were your past FBuddies?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

TJW said:


> That is true, if the management of the friendship is conducted well. However, placing such a high importance on "friends" when it is hurtful to your spouse is a violation of that vow.


Good point, if it is hurtful to your spouse. I probably would not marry someone who had such an attitude - and didn't; they would not be sufficiently compatible. I also wouldn't hide that a friend was a past lover.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> I definately would not want a list of names, but if Joe Shmo and i are acquainted, my wife had better damn sure tell me they used to be an item. I damn sure am not wanting to invite a guy my wife used to screw over to my house for parties, meet up for drinks or chill at the lake with him/wife in 👙 and if she wants to remain married she better not allow that to happen.


I wouldn't have a social situation with another guy and my wife while she's in a bikini period. Whether he's slept with her or not. The mindset isn't much different between the two. They're all your enemies in that regard.

As far as telling partners, why is it taking this guy 18 years and someone spelling it out to him to figure out his wife was the town pump in high school. He couldn't figure that out without someone telling him?????


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