# Is therapy during or after dissolution helpful?



## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

At 47-years old, my wife (who is 51-years old) is dragging me going through a dissolution process after 19 years of IMO good marriage (we have been together for 24 years). She is suggesting I should see a therapist to help me but I don't know for what. I think it is for relationships and disinterest in sex-with-my-wife. I have never done therapy before and I am not sure how a therapist can help. I have been going through rough times -- my dad (76-years in decent health) died last summer due to covid, my mom (73-years) died this summer due to dementia. My best friend died a 3 months ago. I am isolated and as a 1st gen immigrant, I don't have any family in the USA (other than my in-laws who live about 1-mile away).

My questions to you all is --

Is therapy useful/worthwhile? What would the therapy do for me?
How should I go about picking a therapist (in-person, online)?
What questions would I even ask a therapist? 
What conversations would I have a with a therapist?
Sorry, for these newbie questions. As I mentioned earlier, I have never had therapy and I am trying to figure things out.

*General background (don't know if this is useful)*: This is my wife's second marriage and my 1st. She is the only woman I have dated or slept with, period. I have no other relationship experiences. She had a son from her first marriage and I brought him up as my own (Our son is now 30) and my daughter will be 18 in July 2022. My wife is of Ukrainian descent and I am of Asian-Indian descent (both 1st gen immigrants). I am vegetarian, don't smoke, don't do drugs, or drink. No infidelity on either part. Both are smart, well-employed people. My dad (76-years in decent health) died last summer due to covid, my mom (73-years) died this summer due to dementia. I have been in India on-and-off for about 6-months during this pandemic. So I have been away a lot (never been gone this long before). 

My wife reminds me that our marriage was rough in the past 4-to-5 years and practically sexless (maybe once in a few months) and without any connection. She says I neglected and stonewalled her. In retrospect, I see that now. I have been somewhat blind to issues and concerns raised by my wife. She has offered to go counseling in the past but I was not ready; and now I am ready but she is not interested in counseling. I have begged and pleaded for another change. However, she is not interested in any kind of reconciliation and just wants to move forward with dissolution. She does not want to hear any input from anyone, not even her parents.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

So the purpose of therapy would be if you want to change. (The purpose of therapy is not about getting your wife back.)

_"She says I neglected and stonewalled her"_. For example, do you want to stop being the kind of person who stonewalls?

Why was the marriage sexless? 

There are many different kinds of therapists. Generally, you do not ask the therapist questions, they ask you questions. Like I am doing. Since you have lost your parents and your best friend, perhaps you should look for a therapist who is experienced in working with bereavement. You need someone you feel comfortable talking to. But I suspect you also need some friends. 

Tell me something: what sort of person is your wife?


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

Laurentium said:


> So the purpose of therapy would be if you want to change. (The purpose of therapy is not about getting your wife back.)
> 
> _"She says I neglected and stonewalled her"_. For example, do you want to stop being the kind of person who stonewalls?


Thank you for your response.

Yes, I do want to become the best possible version of myself and not let issues spiral out of control like it did with the most important thing in my life.



Laurentium said:


> Why was the marriage sexless?


In the past several years I went through tenure at a University which took a toll on me both physically (gained 45 pounds and snoring a lot which made my wife move to another room) and mentally. I did not manage the stress correctly and started pulling away from my family. It ended up in a negative spiral with both of us pushing each other away. The negative spiral caused me to loose the connection and I could not bring myself to have sex with my wife and my wife. My wife did try to connect sexually (she started HRT to manage menopause which made her even more horny, I think) but I wanted to talk and connect differently; but we did not understand each other then because instead of talking about it we shut each other out. My wife did say she saw me physically repulsing to her contact in bed. Over time, I ended up using porn as a substitute.



Laurentium said:


> There are many different kinds of therapists. Generally, you do not ask the therapist questions, they ask you questions. Like I am doing. Since you have lost your parents and your best friend, perhaps you should look for a therapist who is experienced in working with bereavement. You need someone you feel comfortable talking to. But I suspect you also need some friends.
> 
> Tell me something: what sort of person is your wife?


My wife is a strong, wonderful, independent, good-looking (at 50 she still looks great) woman. She works full-time and earns as much as I do. She is a great mother and has been a supportive wife. Similarly, I have been a 100% dedicated father and a husband trying to the very best of the family. I think I fell in love for her fortitude and with her child and she liked my tenacity and commitment. However, I think two strong willed people ended up pushing each other away to this breaking point. Lots of many micro-aggressions due to routine life issues -- my wife does not get along very well with her parents (my in-laws), on whom we have relied for childcare, watching pets, and other helps for 20+ years now. Basically, death by a 1000 cuts.

With all traditional families, the children came first. In continuation with her child from her 1st marriage, I let her make most major decisions with the children while being very involved with childcare. With time I started feeling disregarded and left out of decisions with my children and that started building resentment in me. We had one big fight about 10-years ago about me trying to motivate our/her son to focus on high school project. I thought I was being motivational (keep in mind I have brought up our son since the age of 5) but caused a huge issue with my son and wife that brought us to the brink for several months; but luckily it subsided (in retrospect we should have gone for counseling then). We did not talk much about it and ever since the resentments was building in both of us, I think. Then came my 6-years of tenure time that worsened things. 2-years ago, my 16-year old daughter was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome (no cure) which causes physical and emotional problem; my daughter is in therapy and antidepressants, which again added to the stress. 

Sadly, I still struggle to connect with my now 17.5-year old daughter and my 30-year old son (who lives in a different city for work).

About the same time my wife transitioned to at-home employee (just before the pandemic) and I thought it would be good for her to reduce stress -- but I think it caused isolation for my wife. My wife then tried to a car-refurbishing business with her Ex by shipping cars to Ukraine, fixing it there (cheaper labor), and selling them Ukraine. The dealing with the Ex made me upset and we did fight over it; but my wife still went forward with it, which really ticked me off. Then came my parents deaths and I was in India for the better part of a year. We did talk and interact during this time, maybe once a week. When I came back from India, she went to Ukraine to visit family (this was a few months ago) and I was once again apprehensive of what is going to come of that trip and was not supportive of her trip. She went and we did not talk at all to each other during her Ukraine trip. When she came back, she announced she was done with the marriage. 

Of course, I have begged and pleaded in the past few months to no avail. Her parents have tried but to no avail. My wife does not want to hear about any reconciliation from any one. She does not have any friends or close colleagues either. She does not want to do counseling as she says that the years of neglect, stonewalling are simply irreparable and she just wants out of the marriage. Yes, I think our marriage is very much fixable but my wife does not even want to hear it.


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## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

It take the full involvement of both parties to fix a broken relationship. If either one is not all-in, the other can _try_ for a while to turn the ship around on their own so as to eventually get their reluctant partner back on-board, but it is very hard to do alone, and if the reluctant partner is still swimming further away then there is little to be done but to take care of yourself and move on.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Since she has checked out you need to do therapy to improve your own self.

First, learn to communicate! You will need to become capable of saying out loud how you feel. Explore those feelings and then deciding if change would help you to improve. Contrary action is key.
After learning to express how you feel - then you’ll need to take the practice you do with the therapist and apply those actions with those round you.
It may be too late with your wife… but practice on your kids. Build a better relationship with them.
After they know how you feel at all times - they will understand you better. 

Looks like you shut down and shut out your wife. Replaced her with porn - and she felt unloved - so work on those things with your therapist.


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> It may be too late with your wife… but practice on your kids. Build a better relationship with them.
> After they know how you feel at all times - they will understand you better.
> 
> Looks like you shut down and shut out your wife. Replaced her with porn - and she felt unloved - so work on those things with your therapist.


Thank you for your reply. 

Yes, devastatingly, I am realizing it is too late with my wife. 

Sadly, my children don't seem to want to connect much with me now and that is also breaking my heart. My wife has been managing my relationships with my kids for so long. I realize now that was another mistake I have done -- I had become complacent with my wife managing our lives and relationships. Now I don't know how to rebuild that connection with my kids, assuming that it's even possible.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Well you start to take action!
Quit thinking there is nothing you can do!
Start asking to see them. Go to lunch. Share about yourself with them. Begin to build a relationship with them.
Take charge of YOUR life and YOUR future! 

You’ve been complacent. Stop being complacent.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

when women check out of a relationship - they are usually gone and rarely truly reengage fully. 
When women have minor children, they might move back into the house if things did not work out with the other guy and they want food on the table and roof over their and the kid's heads. ...... but their heart and sexuality rarely reengages, and it is usually just a matter of time before they pack up and move on for good. .... such as when the kids are out of school. 

no to kick you when you are down, but in reading your posts, I kind of find myself siding with your wife and find myself asking what is in it for her in remaining with you? 

Now there are going to be some cultural differences between an American and a traditional family from India. 

But a westernized Ukrainian woman is likely to also look at it from the standpoint of what is in this marriage for her now. 

You housed, fed and clothed her offspring. That was very nice of you. But what's in it for her now? You're not even trying to meet her sexual needs and every man on the planet wants to have sex and will offer her that. 

It doesn't sound like you've engaged her much emotionally or on any kind of meaningful personal level for a long time and for women that is a very major thing. 

That leaves your money and resources and provisioning. Ok, that served it's purpose when the kids were young and she was a single mother. 

But now the kids are an actual adult and a soon-to-be adult and she has her own education and her own sources of income (whether they are technically legal or not is another story). 

So other than "vows" and tradition,,, what's in it for her to stay? Why should she? 

There's 3 1/2 billion men in the world that want to have sex with her and most will be willing to talk to her and spend personal time with her to get it. She has her own money and her kids are grown so she doesn't really 'need' there money although I have no doubt she would prefer her next guy to have money as well as a penis and a willingness to use it. 

Now will MARITAL therapy help this - Probably not. Women usually give a man a window of time to address their issues. But once they are at the stage where they are having sex with other men (which I pretty much guarantee you she is) and where they are moving out, that window of opportunity to address problems has already slammed shut. 

HOWEVER, individual counseling and therapy for YOU as an individual may be very helpful and beneficial for you as a person and as a man to move on. It may help you with your next relationship so that you do not fall into the same hole and have the same issues again.


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> Well you start to take action!
> Quit thinking there is nothing you can do!
> Start asking to see them. Go to lunch. Share about yourself with them. Begin to build a relationship with them.
> Take charge of YOUR life and YOUR future!
> ...


Thank you for the encouragement. I do really need it.


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> HOWEVER, individual counseling and therapy for YOU as an individual may be very helpful and beneficial for you as a person and as a man to move on. It may help you with your next relationship so that you do not fall into the same hole and have the same issues again.


Thank you for your reply. Your points are good ones and I think correctly reflect my current reality. Yes, I am was a fool to ignore long running issues and I am paying big time for it but I have learned from it -- a very, very emotionally traumatic lesson.

I am exploring individual therapy but just unsure how to make it really beneficial for myself. That is where I am wondering if anyone who has experience with therapy would chime in.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> I am exploring individual therapy but just unsure how to make it really beneficial for myself. That is where I am wondering if anyone who has experience with therapy would chime in.


Nobody else can tell you what your therapy will be like. Just dive in and do it. The way to make it beneficial is to engage fully with it.


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## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

I started seeing a psychologist originally to help me cope with my wife's infidelity, now going on 3-1/2 years, typically every 2nd or 3rd week, sometimes less frequently, sometimes more. In addition to relationship issues, the topics we've touched on have evolved over that time to include grieving death and other losses, stress and covid, job change and relocation, mixed-orientation marriage issues, and now separation and divorce.... Occaisionally my therapist will suggest homework for me to do before our next session, or point me to a book or other resource that might be helpful to me, but mainly knowing that I have an appointment coming up keeps me accountable to doing my work (reading, thinking about things, sometimes taking actions...) so that I have something to report.


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

TurnedTurtle said:


> Occaisionally my therapist will suggest homework for me to do before our next session, or point me to a book or other resource that might be helpful to me, but mainly knowing that I have an appointment coming up keeps me accountable to doing my work (reading, thinking about things, sometimes taking actions...) so that I have something to report.


Thank you for your reply. Do you think that these sessions helped you? If they did, in what way?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> I am exploring individual therapy but just unsure how to make it really beneficial for myself. That is where I am wondering if anyone who has experience with therapy would chime in.


I have mixed feelings about therapy in general. 

On one hand, I do believe that injuries and diseases to the psyche should be treated by a trained professional just as you would treat a broken arm or an ear infection etc. 

But I'm not sure that professional therapy is always necessary just because something unwanted happened or because you are sad or upset. 

If you suspect or have reason to believe that you are suffering from some kind of mental or emotional dysfunction or pathology, then yes, you should get professionally evaluated. 

Do you think your marriage failed because there is something wrong with you and you have some kind of dysfunction or maladaption that caused you to not interact with your wife in an effective manner and have concerns that you will carry that dysfunction into any potential future relationships? If so, you should probably get that looked into. 

Or do you think you were on your purpose working very hard towards you academic and professional development and then had to leave for awhile to deal with sick and dying parents and your wife took that opportunity of you being out of the house to get back with her ex or some other dude(s) and that she had basically been with you for your financial support of her and her previous child and she simply got what she need at the time and moved on?

Those are two potential explanations for the same ultimate outcome. 

One is assessed and treated professionally via therapy. 

The other is treated with getting out and having some fun with your buddies, taking care of your body and spirit through proper diet, exercise, clean and healthy lifestyle, living your best life and ultimately getting out and dating other chicks if that is what you want to do. 

So this comes down to is there a pathology taking place here or is this just an unfortunate circumstance? 

If there is a pathology either before during or after all of this - then professional assessment and treated is warranted. 

If you were just a normal, healthy dude going on about his purpose and your wife just decided she had enough and wanted to move on through no fault of your own, then I'm not sure therapy would do you any more good than just getting out and having some fun with your bro's, hitting the weights and getting out and doing things you enjoy.


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## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> Thank you for your reply. Do you think that these sessions helped you? If they did, in what way?


Sure, otherwise I guess wouldn't keep going back. Therapy has helped me to better understand my self and my co-dependency, helped me clarify my wants and needs, helped me tune into my own emotions, prompted me to try to be a better communicator, etc...

All that said, I generally agree with @oldshirt in post #14 -- sometimes **** happens to us that is totally out of our control and through no fault of ours, and if you are otherwise a healthy and well-adjusted person you might not need professional therapy to help you cope (but you still need to take action -- self-care, etc...). Depends on the nature and degree of the trauma you've experienced and your own resilience.


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> I have mixed feelings about therapy in general.
> 
> So this comes down to is there a pathology taking place here or is this just an unfortunate circumstance?
> 
> ...


Thank you for the continued conversation and support.

I have never done therapy before; so I am trying to understand what I maybe getting myself into. 

I am positive that I am a normal, healthy dude. People at work love me and I have received awards for my work. Nothing physically wrong with me (my LDL cholesterol is a bit high at 150 but...) and I wake up everyday with a strong erection. 

I guess I will still go for a few therapy sessions to see what comes of it. The only part that I am a bit confused and concerned about is the lack of sex drive to have sex with my wife. That is the part that I am unsure about how to figure out.


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

TurnedTurtle said:


> Sure, otherwise I guess wouldn't keep going back. Therapy has helped me to better understand my self and my co-dependency, helped me clarify my wants and needs, helped me tune into my own emotions, prompted me to try to be a better communicator, etc...
> 
> All that said, I generally agree with @oldshirt in post #14 -- sometimes **** happens to us that is totally out of our control and through no fault of ours, and if you are otherwise a healthy and well-adjusted person you might not need professional therapy to help you cope (but you still need to take action -- self-care, etc...). Depends on the nature and degree of the trauma you've experienced and your own resilience.


Thank you, that is helpful input for me.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> The only part that I am a bit confused and concerned about is the lack of sex drive to have sex with my wife. That is the part that I am unsure about how to figure out.


I wouldn’t want to make love to a woman that was getting with her ex and planning to leave me either regardless of whether I had morning wood or not.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> Thank you for the continued conversation and support.
> 
> I have never done therapy before; so I am trying to understand what I maybe getting myself into.
> 
> ...


Rejection from the wife is killing your sex drive. That's really no mystery.
Your morning wood is just a biological response that is normal. The body does normal maintenance while you're sleeping. 
It may also be from erotic dreams that you might be having. 
They aren't necessarily related to each other.


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> Rejection from the wife is killing your sex drive. That's really no mystery.


Thank your for that suggestion.

I do think that a deep seated feeling of rejection is killing my sex drive. Constant micro-aggressions and put downs led to a feeling of disconnectedness from the family. I somehow could not bring myself to talk about them to remedy the situation and ended up stonewalling my wife. She did try to reach out and put in effort to have sex but due to the lack of sex drive I did not respond well and that caused resentment to build up. That is also combined with the fact that I know she monopolized the relationship with my children. So my children have ended up being somewhat estranged not just from me but from the whole family including me and my in-laws who live just 1 mile away (my in-laws help us a lot). The lack of love and interactions with my children hurt my feelings a lot and again I did not act on correcting it, and instead further withdrew. 

All in all, I did not man-up and remedy the situations correctly -- and that is my fault, no doubt there. The only questions I have to answer for myself (not for anyone else) is why did I end up being so passive, docile, and a bootlicking type person. 

In any event, I am just hoping to repair or re-establish relationship with my children somehow on the longer run, but don't know how. My son is 30 and lives 1000 miles away in another city. He does not even respond to my texts most of the time let alone pick up the phone when I call. My daughter is 17.5 years and she has a few more months before college and we live in the same house right now. I can't even get my daughter to hold a short conversation with me about any thing or go out for a meal or anything like that (of course, my daughter and my wife have a BFFs type relationship). So I am at loss on how to connect with my children at all.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> I guess I will still go for a few therapy sessions to see what comes of it. The only part that I am a bit confused and concerned about is the lack of sex drive to have sex with my wife.


Good man. 

To that, I would add your relationship with your children. If you find a good therapist then just talking these things over will help.


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## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

Laurentium said:


> If you find a good therapist then just talking these things over will help.


This is pretty key -- different therapists uses different approaches in their practices, so finding one that works for you is important. I was lucky in that the first one I met with was good, I gather sometimes people go through several before finding one that is compatible....


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

TurnedTurtle said:


> This is pretty key -- different therapists uses different approaches in their practices, so finding one that works for you is important. I was lucky in that the first one I met with was good, I gather sometimes people go through several before finding one that is compatible....


That is the next challenge -- finding a therapist that works for me. Any tips on how to figure out if a therapist would work for me?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> That is the next challenge -- finding a therapist that works for me. Any tips on how to figure out if a therapist would work for me?


Yes: have a session with them.


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

Laurentium said:


> Yes: have a session with them.


Sure, but I have never had therapy before. What should I look for? 

For example, when I go to a doctor's office, I know what to expect -- do they check my vitals, does the doctor listen, does the doctor given options for treatment, etc. 

What are the things I should expect? Red flags? For example, if the therapist starts texting on his/her phone during the session, would that be a red flag? On returning, if the therapist does not remember my previous session is that a red flag? etc.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> For example, if the therapist starts texting on his/her phone during the session, would that be a red flag? On returning, if the therapist does not remember my previous session is that a red flag? etc.


I believe you can figure that question out for yourself.

Let me ask you a therapist question. It seems you are stuck in a loop here: asking for tips, asking for tips, asking for tips, round and round, not willing to act until someone else has perfectly specified the situation for you. What emotions are you feeling as you do this? And is there any similarity between this and the stonewalling behaviours that damaged your relationships?


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

Laurentium said:


> I believe you can figure that question out for yourself.
> 
> Let me ask you a therapist question. It seems you are stuck in a loop here: asking for tips, asking for tips, asking for tips, round and round, not willing to act until someone else has perfectly specified the situation for you. What emotions are you feeling as you do this? And is there any similarity between this and the stonewalling behaviours that damaged your relationships?


I am feeling a strong sense of uncertainty. With my future life so "up in the air" I would like to at least ensure that I am getting the right help with an already bad situation. I don't want to make a bad situation worse by with a therapist that "I may think is working" but may actually not be the right one for me.

I don't know if there is any connection between these and stonewalling. I feel like I am just being cautious here.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Indian_Nerd_Dad said:


> I don't want to make a bad situation worse by with a therapist that "I may think is working" but may actually not be the right one for me.


Okay, Have a think about your feelings of uncertainty and caution. 

Obviously, I don't know you personally, but here are some possible red flags to avoid:
- the therapist tries to *sell *you something (eg vitamins or their hypnosis CDs or something)
- the therapist says they can treat you in just a few sessions (like 2 or 3 sessions)
- the therapist's web site says they can basically treat *everything*, eg they list anxiety, depression, relationship problems, phobias, trauma, anger, .... everything! 
- the therapist tries to tell you how you should live, or *tells you what to do* 
- they don't ask many questions about your situation
- they seem *disorganised*, show up late, cancel appointments
- they are rude or angry or do most of the talking.

Does that help?


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

Laurentium said:


> Okay, Have a think about your feelings of uncertainty and caution.
> 
> Obviously, I don't know you personally, but here are some possible red flags to avoid:
> 
> ...


Yes, this helps a lot. Thank you!


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