# Only 'cheating' if done behind SO's back?



## tazunemono (Feb 25, 2010)

I've got relationship problems, and I'd like some feedback from this forum. 

About Me: Over the last few years, my desire to seek out other women has increased. I go out of town on work, and lately I'm finding more and more girls are willing to talk to me in my 30's (athletic build, nice smile, friendly, good job) than in my 20's (skinny guy, not as social, no job, teeth were messed up). I do not drink/do drugs, but I am very social and love to go out and party. I've also had a vas, so no issues with 'new' kids. I no longer wear my wedding ring. 

About my wife: She's great, I love her dearly. Lately, I find my wife more attractive than ever. We work out together, she has a great body. She is smart and funny. Her problem is that she fell in love with a man who's no longer the same person he was 8 years ago. She is also very social, and could easily snag a man (or woman) very easily. She doesn't like my 'dilemma' and wants me to commit to her alone. She no longer wears her wedding ring. 

About us: Been married for 8 years, and have 2 kiddos under 6. We met in HS, and got married @ 24, kids @ 26. Never cheated on my wife until Fall '09, and I cheated twice that year. Confessed to both 'transgressions' and we're currently in couples counseling 2-3 times a month. We cuddle on the couch, we play with our kids, we go on dates. We tell each other we love - but do we really? 

My situation: It makes my heart *hurt* to not be able to pursue other women. I find myself getting really depressed because I feel I can't pursue these women. I lose sleep over it. It affects my job and concentration. I cannot help looking at an attractive girl, I find women incredibly interesting. Personally, I love the feeling I get when meeting someone new. It's exciting to be in the company of an attractive woman. I love networking, dating, meeting new people. I love sex, and could get *a lot* if I tried. 

My dilemma: Why is extramarital sex so frowned upon in our culture? I want to have physical relationships with other women, but at the same time I love my wife and our kids very much. If you can have sex, with a guarantee of no commitment, and free of STD's, why not do it? 

For some reason, the thought of my wife having sex with another man does not bother me. In fact, it turns me on  My wife does not 'get' this at all. I've asked my wife many times if she'd be interested in a 3rd in bed, and she says no. I'd go for either a man or woman, but would prefer another female. 



I think that thanks to therapy, I am able to be more open with my wife about these and other issues in our relationship. Therapy has not 'helped' me stop wanting to 'cheat' rather it's changed my attitude about the word 'cheat'. I think I hurt her a great deal by keeping all this secret for so long. I also kept my infidelities a secret, until the day that I confessed them. Why did they have to be infidelities? Could I not have *told* my wife I was interested in sleeping with someone else? Now, due to therapy, our communication is open enough that she knows that I like to look at other women. I let my wife know when I catch a girl staring at me, or if I find her attractive. She doesn't like it, but she doesn't hate it, either. In fact, sometimes she plays along. The other day, we played "who would you rather F-" at the mall, and it was fun. She'd never take it any further, say for example us as a couple trying to meet a 3rd. 

Bottom Line: I would never want to see my wife hurt, and I will always care for her and my kids. I feel really bad (e.g., depressed) about my 'problem' and try to keep it at bay with medication (Celexa, Ativan) but meds won't fix the root cause, I'm afraid. 

Solutions:
1. Get over myself and suck up my grief. I'm having a midlife crisis. In a few years I'll be fine. 
2. Let me wife know of my decision to begin dating other women and see if we can make it work. Be 100% honest. She may decide to split. 
3. I've already made up my mind, I'm too 'scared' to commit - file for divorce/separation.
4. ?
5. ?

Thanks for the feedback!


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I say let your wife make the choice. Lay it on the table as you have here, and let her decide what her fate shall be. You already mentioned she is against having an open marriage, so you are pretty much about 80% sure she will split when you lay it out there. You have already cheated on her and now want her to agree to a threesome or an open marriage, let her go find someone who has the same idea of marriage that she does.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Forgot to mention, you should keep in mind that when this "seeking out more pu***" stops when you start getting old and no woman wants to pay attention to you you will probably remember that you COULD have had a wife that would still love you and want you, but you chose the freedom to chase women instead. Downside to everything.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

No amount of "tail" is worth losing my kids over especially with a pretty, affectionate, professional, loving, freaky wife at home!!

I wonder how good your "physcal" life really is.... really. Because I lived my party days when I was younger 17-23 and slept with many girls/women of shapes, sizes, and ethnicities. It was fun and I have vivid memories of all of them especially one!

The best sex I've ever had is not then, but right now with my wife! That doesn't mean this one didn't have this, or that one wasn't a little better at that, just like I'm sure she has memories too and I'm not naive to think I'm the best at everything either.

It's really amazing what communication in the bedroom can produce!! After almost two decades of getting freaky it truly is hands down better now.........to give up a great life for some extra curricular tail....it's just not worth it imo.

Besides the newness and excitment what else is there? Adrenaline junky maybe? Maybe you had self esteem issues and now that your more fit, fixed teeth, better job your like "I'm the man?"

Fwiw.....it's a choice I doubt your wife go for! Which will give you two options do it anyway and wait for the inevitable consequences or get a divorce now.......maybe she'll go for it, but I doubt it. Or just come to your senses :smthumbup:


I am friends with two swinging couples both married for over 10yrs. They love the lifestyle......just know it truly does go both ways. Both of these marriage the men love to watch their wifes and play too of course.... they say their marriages are stronger than a conventional one. Given they're are 10yrs + already statistically they are right.

Good luck!! with your dilemma. Prepare for you world to be rocked when you tell your wife you want a open relationship!!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I pretty much agree with DawnD--lay it on the table for your wife as you have here. I'd venture to guess there are women who would be willing to be in an open marriage or polyamorous or swing if you stated that right out loud as a condition at the start. 

The main issue I have is that you made a commitment to your wife that you would forsake all others and love only her--so she based her life and the life of your kids on that promise. If you don't intend to honor that commitment, I say tell her now, give her and your kids more than the alimony and child support ordered by your state, and set her free for someone who WILL commit to her and her alone and treat her with the honor and respect she has clearly stated she expects from a life partner to be with her. 

I don't think you can have both your cake and eat it too. If you want to chase p***y, I say let her and your children go.


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