# What to do...



## fidel (Apr 23, 2012)

At the huge and obvious risk I will be flamed and hated in this forum, I need any and everyone's advice for my issue and I will be as honest and detailed as possible to give the best possible outlook and answers/advice coming my way.

My wife and I have been married for 8 years, together for 13 years. I am active duty military and we have made a life together through my career so far and have two beautiful children. Never would I have thought I would be capable of having an affair against my wife/marriage, but it happened during my last deployment.

I dont know if it matters, but I will start somewhat at the beginning of our relationship to see if someone sees something I am seeing or something different. We started dating in 1999 and got engaged for the first time young in early 2001. We moved in together and lived engaged till late in 01. We broke up in Oct 01 because of what I believe was another guy that came around and got in her head to have her believe that the petty problems we had at the time would go away if she leaves me and goes with him. After an emotional night, she came home after being gone several hours and breaks up with me. I found out later that day that she had an emotional affair with this guy for 1 1/2 months prior to our break up. I tried to advised that since this was some old work friend who saw an opening, he would use her and when he was done with her, he would leave her. Well, it happened, but of course, she didnt come running back yet. We both carried on our ways as young people do and started dating again in Mar/Apr 02. We moved back in together later that year where I started my process of entering the military. We never reconciled what happened between us, just pushed it aside and made a new life, a new love work.

For the rest of our marriage, we have had our normal ups and downs each year. I have been on ocassion a typical military dad maybe, where I lost sight of my position in the family. I needed to be there more for my wife and kids, but i worked a lot and didnt pay the right amount of attention. She held out a lot on love and attention to me, even leaving me sexually frustrated most months. These two issues made us go round and around with no real acceptance between us two of what was really going on. I am a defensive kind of person where she would bring something up, and if i found no facts behind it, i would be defensive. She is the kind of woman that bottles everything up or sleeps on it if she thinks its not worth mentioning. We have always lacked communication skills to fix things between us throughout the years.

Our worst year was before my last deployment in which i carried out this affair. Our frequency of sex was at its lowest and our problems never were being resolved. I left for the six month deployment without sex and no resolution other than to say when i got back, things would be better. I always spoke like this to her during deployments about how i was dissatisified and what not, but we never seemed to really work on our issues. I met a woman out there and we connected. I felt so big and attractive by this woman who talked me up to fill my self-esteem and sexual prowess. We had sex multiple times out there (which is illegal by the way). I never before considered doing anything like this, but this particular time it seemed easy because of the way i felt before leaving home, the ease of movement at this deployed location, and the fact that no one knew me or my family at this location. This carried on for a while and when my mistress left two months early, we stayed in contact through email and Facebook. When I got home, my family was still in CA with her family (as they usually are on my deployments). I thought I was strong enough to have stopped it in the desert, but I was still weak and stupid enough to let my mistress talk me into letting her come to see me at my home. This was my all time low in this stupid, selffish, freaking retarded acts that show my low value. 

Months went by and my wife never knew. But when I reunited with them some 1 1/2 months later in CA, I had an ephiany about how much I loved my wife and children and I would do anything to change. Something in the look my wife gave me and how my children reacted to my return made me want to fix things for good. We have had the best year of our marriage since my return until recently when she discovered my indiscretion. Somehow, I left pictures of my mistress on my old laptop and pieced it together through my lies and calling the mistress to get the truth.

We have been in counseling for the last month and yet again, I leave for another deployment in early June. She is torn apart by many things, my affair, bringing this woman to our house, and the conversations i had with her via either text or FB. I never had an emotional connection to this other woman and apparently she did, as she told my wife at least. I never sought a life with her and never stopped loving my family. Through my continued effort to learn more about why I did this and how it was possible then and no other crappy time in our marriage, I have learned so much about emotional disconnection and how it affects many people. 

I know I am not the typical male monster ******* as most people portray the cheaters out too be. I am horribly devestated by what I have done. And I know that most will think I am only sorry that I got caught, but I chose to hide it all because things were getting so much better in every aspect of our marriage, not just the sex ( which had been some of the best sex weve ever had). I am so destroyed now because my love for wife means nothing to her anymore and probably wont from here on out. We decided last week to seperate, which was gonna happen soon anyway due to my deployment. But for her it meant that since I had all that time to be selfish and risk everything, that she wants that now. I caught her several weeks ago talking with other men, masterbauting to their words over phone and text, and she has been going out a lot downtown to bars and what not with other friends. She has acted out a lot on my faults so far and I am afraid she is going to make the same mistake I did to make herself feel better.

Lately, I have been dealing with this whole issue like I was the one cheated on, and my wife has been the blank, numb person with no emotions. She seems to hide it well now, but I know she still hurts. But I think slowly but surely, I am being replaced anyway by anotehr man back in our hometown in CA. They spend many hours almost every night exchanging conversatons through text and voice calls. They become inappropriate and sexual too. But the other night was major because the discussed about how they will meet up, what kind of night they will have, and every talked about how meeting each other's parents would be like. Am I being too paranoid that there is more here than meets the eye?

I will always deal with what I did to my wife and will continue to work hard to make myself a better man despite this. I lvoe my wife with everything I am and have left. All of our friends and family support us both and have not written me off as the typical monster ******* man. I dont know if that means anything, but I have never done anything liek this before and will never do it again. Cliche, I know...but I mean it. I want to believe that as I let my wife go on her way, she will everntually come back to me. But until i actually deploy, she continues to throw this activity in my face as if I am being puinished. The issue I have now is that can I forgive everything she will do against me back when she decides she had enough and wants to work things out? Will I be able to trust her again just like she was supposed to trust me? Is this ok of her to act out like this in order to see if she still loves me and should I just shut up and color because I did it first?

Any help from anyone would be appreciate it, even though I know over half of you will just hate all over me. Thank you in advance to everyone!


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

First and foremost, you are not a monster. You screwed up. Bad. Big Time.
I am also a former cheater, so is my wife. Please read my stories below. It is my whole, sordid affair of almost four years ago.
I am retired Navy, so I can really relate to you.
Stay strong here, you will get beat up by some of the members, but some will also give you great advice.

Get into counseling at your family service center NOW, before you deploy. Ask your wife if she is willing to reconcile and fix what's wrong or if it's over.
No contact with the OW. Ever. Let her know and have your wife witness it.

The two of you can do this if you are both willing and ready to accept the biggest challenge of your lives.
PM me and we can talk more.
D


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

I don't think a cheater makes someone a monster however you hid it, you acted as if nothing was wrong and when telling your wife that you wanted things to be different when you came back, and they were, now she is looking back on that as totally insincere on your part and she put sincere effort into it, as you said. She is angry and hurt and for some people cheating is a deal breaker. I agree with Dan you need to talk to her and get into counseling before you leave if she is willing, and of not, understand it is the consequence of your actions and there is no guesswork as to if she is doing iron purpose or just moving on. You have to ask her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

you might try this

Divorce Busting® - How to Save Your Marriage, Solve Marriage Problems, and Stop Divorce


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You made a terrible choice to cheat on your wife. No way around it. You made it worse by hiding it and continuing the affair after returning home.

If your wife is not willing to reconcile you have to accept her decision and divorce.

However, her behavior currently is a horrible decision also. Two wrongs do not cancel each other out. That she is flaunting it in your face is probably her telling you that she is done. No it is not OK to "even the score".

I hate to say it, but the way you describe the marriage before your last deployment and the speed that she is hooking up with other men now makes it look like this is not her first rodeo. She may have been doing this the whole time.

Separation hardly ever fixes anything. Most often it gives a spouse a sense that screwing around like they are single is OK because they are separated. 

I think you should ask her if she wants a divorce. But make it clear that you know you made a horrible choice and are deeply sorry for what you have done, but if she has a revenge affair there is not hope left for your marriage.


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## fidel (Apr 23, 2012)

We have started seeing a therapist downtown for a while now...she is kinda helping, but not really. And all contact with the OW stopped the day she found out about me. 

My wife has said that she is not ready to fix anything right now. When we decided to seperate, I didnt quite know what that meant at first. This is why I have been so paranoid and fearful of what she is doing and going to do with this other man, possibly other men. When I asked her at out last therapy session to explain our seperation, if it has rules or boundaries because we are still married, she basically said it means she is not worried about what I am doing or going to do and that she doesnt want me to worry about what she is doing or going to do. That I had a 1 1/2 to be selfish and that she deserves time and space to do the same. Although I am ready to suffer the consequences of divorce, I love my wife too much to just give up. SHe wants time and space to use this "freedom" that I know will eventually end up in more pain because it won't fill this void for long. I know I have to let her find that out for herself, its just so hard because she is doing it all in front of me like its no big deal and it impedes my own progress to help rebuild and heal things. 

I know and accept full responsibility that I created this situation, but there has to be some reasoning to it. Is it really right that she has to do this around me and our kids. Knowing that I cant function right around them when I am put through this daily torment of her speaking to this guy, doing things for him over the phone, etc. At least when I am deployed, she can do it all when I am not around and I will not know the difference, even though I am sure I will not be able to stop thinking about it. 

Its just so hurtful and weird because I never played this out with my OW like this. Yes, I hid it and kept it secret, but I never flaunted it and made sure my wife could hear it all. She didnt have to see it unravel and develop like I am seeing it happen now with her OM. Is this just some real crappy phase that she is going through to ensure she still loves me and I just have to put up with it? I know I love her and I knoiw I dont want to quit or get divorced!!! Uggghhh, like I said, not the typical guy over here. I am so tired of being the emotional one over here, I am the one who screwed up first, yet I am acting and feeling like the victim more...so confusing!


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## fidel (Apr 23, 2012)

Its like most of my friends and family are saying that if I really love her, i need to let her go and see if she comes back after time. That seems so jacked up, but in a way, i can beleive that. I also believed that since she just didnt pack up and go when i came full circle about my affair, that she still loved me at some level and wanted to be around. I know our house is tainted and represents everything I did wrong. She is also staying until i leave for deployment so I can see the kids till the last minute. It is just so jacked up that in the middle of us "trying to fix things" she carries on this EA/future PA with this other guy...I am so afraid that I will utilimately lose my soul mate and life partner and i am overhwelmed with grief about this...


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

fidel said:


> Its just so hurtful and weird because I never played this out with my OW like this. Yes, I hid it and kept it secret, but I never flaunted it and made sure my wife could hear it all. She didnt have to see it unravel and develop like I am seeing it happen now with her OM. Is this just some real crappy phase that she is going through to ensure she still loves me and I just have to put up with it? I know I love her and I knoiw I dont want to quit or get divorced!!! Uggghhh, like I said, not the typical guy over here. I am so tired of being the emotional one over here, I am the one who screwed up first, yet I am acting and feeling like the victim more...so confusing!


Well, you should first stop playing the victim. This whole "she is being meaner about it than I was" isn't gonna help anything. You screwed up, and she wants you to HURT like she was hurt. 

No, her cheating isn't going to fix anything. It would be best to continue counseling and lay down some sort of boundaries. I can see your wife's train of thought very well. You had your time to lie to her and have some fun, she simply wants the same. part of it is her ego. You crushed her self esteem by cheating. So now she is showing you that she can find someone to sleep with as well. (Letting you know you aren't the only one who can step out and get laid) 

Get yourself to a spot where you can lay down boundaries. If you don't agree with the separation, simply tell her that you two can either fix this marriage and remain faithful, or divorce. Just be aware that saying you both be faithful means BOTH of you, as in you have to keep it in your pants as well.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

*she basically said it means she is not worried about what I am doing or going to do and that she doesnt want me to worry about what she is doing or going to do. That I had a 1 1/2 to be selfish and that she deserves time and space to do the same.*

Did she say this in front of the therapist? What did the therapist say?

At least now you have an answer - she is gone - she is trying to make sure you are miserable by doing it in front of you - she is not coming back to the marriage. You should already know from your own experience that women get emotionally involved in an affair. What may start out as revenge sex to even the score (stupid by the way) will probably turn into the "soul mate", "love of her life" by the time you return from deployment.

I think what she is doing is as bad and possibly more damaging to the marriage than what you did. You feel terrible and regret the affair. She is actively looking for one - right in front of you.

Save yourself some heartache and get the divorce rolling.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Maybe your wife is doing it in the open so you can hurt like she did?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fidel (Apr 23, 2012)

DawnD said:


> Well, you should first stop playing the victim. This whole "she is being meaner about it than I was" isn't gonna help anything. You screwed up, and she wants you to HURT like she was hurt.
> 
> No, her cheating isn't going to fix anything. It would be best to continue counseling and lay down some sort of boundaries. I can see your wife's train of thought very well. You had your time to lie to her and have some fun, she simply wants the same. part of it is her ego. You crushed her self esteem by cheating. So now she is showing you that she can find someone to sleep with as well. (Letting you know you aren't the only one who can step out and get laid)
> 
> Get yourself to a spot where you can lay down boundaries. If you don't agree with the separation, simply tell her that you two can either fix this marriage and remain faithful, or divorce. Just be aware that saying you both be faithful means BOTH of you, as in you have to keep it in your pants as well.


You're right, I need to stop feeling like the victim...its freakin hard when every five minutes I'm either broken up about the decisions I made that put me and my wife in this situation and then five minutes later, I'm broken up over what she is doing with this other guy...I don't know if we can get to that spot because she was firm about what our seperation meant and we havent talked about it since, but I feel so compelled to. I just dont want that talk to turn into her just deciding to divorce then.


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## fidel (Apr 23, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> *she basically said it means she is not worried about what I am doing or going to do and that she doesnt want me to worry about what she is doing or going to do. That I had a 1 1/2 to be selfish and that she deserves time and space to do the same.*
> 
> Did she say this in front of the therapist? What did the therapist say?
> 
> ...


She did say this in front of the therapist. Our therapist asked me if I could deal with that, and at first, I said yes because I though that the weight of what I did would outweigh whatever she will do to me. But yes, I know how much more emotional involved women can get in an affair. I guess I know this now because my OW fell in love with me and I had no idea nor did I reciprocate...I feel that it will be more damaging in the long run, but I guess what plays out in my head and heart is that, this happen many years ago like I stated in my orig post...we spent some time apart and after 6 months, got back together. Circumstances are way different now, we are older, i have my military career, we have kids, we will be distanced apart instead of virtually down the street....a lot of folks tell me that this is a prelude to eventual divorce, but am I just hoping too much that we can still make it work?? I love my wife and I still want her in my life...


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

fidel said:


> Its like most of my friends and family are saying that if I really love her, i need to let her go and see if she comes back after time.


I disagree with that statement with every fiber of my being.

If you love her and want her back, you have to fight and do whatever you can to make her realize that you are truly remorseful and that you love only her.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

fidel said:


> You're right, I need to stop feeling like the victim...its freakin hard when every five minutes I'm either broken up about the decisions I made that put me and my wife in this situation and then five minutes later, I'm broken up over what she is doing with this other guy...I don't know if we can get to that spot because she was firm about what our seperation meant and we havent talked about it since, but I feel so compelled to. I just dont want that talk to turn into her just deciding to divorce then.


You are letting her put you in a position where you either have to stand by and let her do whatever she wants for a year and a half or divorcing. Why? 

I am guessing you feel like you don't have the right to tell her she has to keep her panties on since you didn't keep your manties on? Well, yes it should feel that way. BUT you are also at a point where she needs to decide she wants to try to work on the marriage, or not. If she doesn't want to work on the marriage then you are just treading water. Yes she should have some time to think about it, but that time shouldn't be spent trying to get even. I can sympathize with her, I really can, I felt the same way. But it won't do any good, and thank god the people here helped me see that before I did anything I would regret.

You need to sit down and be vulnerable. Yes, you cheated. And explain the horrible way you feel and how you now realize you possibly destroyed her and your family. Explain the bad side of all of this to her. 

Maybe you should visit the mens clubhouse and ask some questions about boundaries and manning up for the time being.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

First off, Fidel: You are not an ogre of any kind. You acted off of your natural human instincts to love and be loved, since you were receiving little to none of it at home. You made a foolish mistake in promoting your affair, albeit while deployed, with your comrade in arms. You have certainly paid a price, and to a degree are still shelling out for it. Now your wife is punishing you by playing "gotcha" in somewhat righteously portraying herself as the victim.

I'm glad to hear that you're jointly taking positive steps in order to get this situation fastly rectified prior to your next deployment. Whether that's with a counselor, therapist, or pastor is immaterial. What is material is that if you really want to keep this family, you've got to make it work~ there are no other options.

What you did in your recent past is as wrong as what your wife is doing. But it is richly going to take a commitment on both of your parts to try to save this marriage and this family. 

I will continue to remain in prayer for you!


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## fidel (Apr 23, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> First off, Fidel: You are not an ogre of any kind. You acted off of your natural human instincts to love and be loved, since you were receiving little to none of it at home. You made a foolish mistake in promoting your affair, albeit while deployed, with your comrade in arms. You have certainly paid a price, and to a degree are still shelling out for it. Now your wife is punishing you by playing "gotcha" in somewhat righteously portraying herself as the victim.
> 
> I'm glad to hear that you're jointly taking positive steps in order to get this situation fastly rectified prior to your next deployment. Whether that's with a counselor, therapist, or pastor is immaterial. What is material is that if you really want to keep this family, you've got to make it work~ there are no other options.
> 
> ...


Thank you very much for your kind words and the prayers!! I think that I am so emotional (not usually am, since I am the typical man usually about crying, haha) because I do love my wife and want my family to stay together. The twist of events that occur everyday throw me off and I dont know what to do or say sometimes. The only thing I have been able to focus on is work (sort of) and my kids (for the most part). I feel that I deserve everythign she is doing to me and this is the "hell" that everyone says I have to endure in order to see that ounce of salvation at the end of this deep hell hole. But it doesnt feel right and my wife is usually a very kind, loving person who cannot be negative about anything usually. Her actions and behavior now are not her, and of course, I did this to her, I know. I dont want to be the one who asks for divorce, but in all honesty, I dont know what I can put up with and be strong with after time passes during my deployment knowing she carried on a EA/PA with this guy in particular or anyone else for that matter. Is it fair to give her that chance to show even though I was unfaithful, she can still be? Or because she has expressed her desires out loud in my presence (when she was drunk over the phone downstairs in her room early in the mornings) of how she cant wait to be with him, how she "loves" him, how she cant wait to feel him inside of her...does that mean its over or is her head that messed up she doesnt know what shes doing...I hate focusing on her actions because it detracts me from focusing on what I did and how I need to fix myself in not doing this again and being a better man/husband/father. But its freaking difficult when this stuff is in my face daily...


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

fidel said:


> how she *cant wait to be with him, how she "loves" him, how she cant wait to feel him inside of her..*.does that mean its over or is her head that messed up she doesnt know what shes doing...I hate focusing on her actions because it detracts me from focusing on what I did and how I need to fix myself in not doing this again and being a better man/husband/father. But its freaking difficult when this stuff is in my face daily...


OK. Game over. If she is doing all this right in front of you (especially the parts in bold) she is doing more than trying to even the score. This just mean and vindictive.

Tell her how this is making you feel. 

If she tries to pull the "you did it to me" stunt you have to tell her that you never told the OW that you were in love with her and if she is serious about being in love with OM then you love her enough to let her be happy so you will file for divorce.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

TDSC60 said:


> OK. Game over. If she is doing all this right in front of you (especially the parts in bold) she is doing more than trying to even the score. This just mean and vindictive.
> 
> Tell her how this is making you feel.
> 
> If she tries to pull the "you did it to me" stunt you have to tell her that you never told the OW that you were in love with her and if she is serious about being in love with OM then you love her enough to let her be happy so you will file for divorce.


Before you do that, you better be damn certain you did not tell the OW you loved her, in the sack or out of it


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## fidel (Apr 23, 2012)

DawnD said:


> Before you do that, you better be damn certain you did not tell the OW you loved her, in the sack or out of it


I never told my OW that I loved her. I think that is why she blew my cover (I know that was wrong too, but we had both decided to forget about our affair back then) when my wife called her, because she felt cheated and there was no winning scenario for her. I just feel like I can have patience to wait it out, but is that just me being stupid and too hopefull? Is it bad that I know it will just bring more pain on both of us and the trust between us both will now definitely be jeopardized...


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

I can see where your wife wants you to feel the pain she has felt. I totally understand that, but her actions are not productive. You may never in your life experience the pain she has felt and continues to feel. The exact pain just can't be inflicted upon another person, we are all different. I'm sorry you are in this situation. I understand that your wife is not thinking clearly, she is not herself, she thinks she is dealing with the situation in a fair manner but she is only hurting herself, you and the children in the process. I feel badly for you both.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

fidel said:


> I never told my OW that I loved her. I think that is why she blew my cover (I know that was wrong too, but we had both decided to forget about our affair back then) when my wife called her, because she felt cheated and there was no winning scenario for her. I just feel like I can have patience to wait it out, but is that just me being stupid and too hopefull? Is it bad that I know it will just bring more pain on both of us and the trust between us both will now definitely be jeopardized...


Stupid and hopeful - yes.

Bring more pain - you for sure, her - maybe not. I think she is enjoying this.

All trust has now gone up in smoke for both of you. 

Sounds cliche' but you have to love her enough to let her go. Divorce does not mean you will not see each other again, after all you have children together.

Maybe after the divorce and things cool off for awhile you will be able to forgive each other (I say each other because she is not going to stop now) and rekindle what you once had. But now, you are just making each other miserable and piling bad choices on one after the other.


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## onthefence210 (Apr 29, 2012)

You tell her game over. You tell her that what you did was selfish and mean. You tell her that you want to commit to the marriage and ask her to do the same. You get IC and marital. There needs to remain NC between the OM and you both need to give up all privacy to build trust. If she can't agree to this...then you love her enough to let her go. No one is winning in this game she is playing. But as posted before...woman get attached emotionally...and that attachment takes a long time to break. You have to be patient and if she wants to save your marriage she will recommit. If not...file. Get yourself better. Best of luck.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Tell your wife adios. Yes you screwed up, but she's not working on the marriage, she's using it as an excuse to be cruel. Don't accept it, stand up and leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

fidel said:


> Thank you very much for your kind words and the prayers!! I think that I am so emotional (not usually am, since I am the typical man usually about crying, haha) because I do love my wife and want my family to stay together.


Having taken the Walk to Emmaus through my Church, I want you to realize two very important truths: *(1) Real men love Christ, and (2) Real men are not afraid to cry.* Something tells me that you know those facts all too well!

You've been brought to the very bottom of the canyon by your actions, and apparently hers as well. With those hurtful and emasculating declarations that she has made in your presence, I totally sense your desperation for wanting to keep the good woman that you personally know her to be, in addition to your own as well as your extended family.

Although you are already in MC, please do me a favor by finding yourself some quiet place either at home or somewhere out in nature where you can't be disturbed and immerse yourself in some heartfelt meaningful prayer and connection with God. Ask Him for His forgiveness of your past transgressions and if it's indeed His will, to help save your family. If you have a church home, then share your story with your pastor and ask for advice. If you don't, then try to find one. After all, they will have great empathy for you whether you are a Christian or not. And they will not look down on you for your actions of the past.

If the prayer is not answered, then it might be time to move on, but you will never rightfully know until you try. Sometimes God does honor us with "unanswered prayers," usually done so for our own good.

And please stay in contact. I, along with everyone else here on TAM, am very interested in your welfare, more especially because you are one of the favored few that unselfishly honor this great nation of ours by your untiring service in helping to insure our freedom.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

fidel, please check your PMs.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

fidel said:


> I never told my OW that I loved her. I think that is why she blew my cover (I know that was wrong too, but we had both decided to forget about our affair back then) when my wife called her, because she felt cheated and there was no winning scenario for her. I just feel like I can have patience to wait it out, but is that just me being stupid and too hopefull? Is it bad that I know it will just bring more pain on both of us and the trust between us both will now definitely be jeopardized...


So you really don't know what the OW told your wife?? She could have really went overboard and exaggerated quite a bit??


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Fidel: Was the military woman married or single?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Your marriage is dead.


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## fidel (Apr 23, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> Having taken the Walk to Emmaus through my Church, I want you to realize two very important truths: *(1) Real men love Christ, and (2) Real men are not afraid to cry.* Something tells me that you know those facts all too well!
> 
> You've been brought to the very bottom of the canyon by your actions, and apparently hers as well. With those hurtful and emasculating declarations that she has made in your presence, I totally sense your desperation for wanting to keep the good woman that you personally know her to be, in addition to your own as well as your extended family.
> 
> ...


Thank you Arbitrator...I dont know if I am ready to go the religious angle, no offense...but I do appreciate your words. I hate feeling like this when I am the one who put both my wife and I in this position in the first place. I was good with what I did in knowing I had the issue to fix, figure out, etc...but then her behavior changed and she wants to be selfish now and cant wait till I at least deploy to carry out her actions. At least that way, I would never know when I am halfway across the world doing my job and she is at home in CA carrying on her own EA/PA to either feed her own needs, whether its out of revenge or because I messed her up. I just dont know anymore...I love my wife so much I dont want us to divorce!!!


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## fidel (Apr 23, 2012)

DanF said:


> fidel, please check your PMs.


Dan, I have but I only have the one msg from the site admin...


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## fidel (Apr 23, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> Fidel: Was the military woman married or single?


She was single. She was once married and it also ended in infidelity. I should have known better and seen the signs, but I was so blinded by her ability to make me feel big and strong again as a man. It didnt matter that she wasnt my usual type, it felt nice to hear those words and be appreciated. And since she was also military, she had a special understanding i suppose that my wife never had for what I do and what I go through and what I sacrifice for my family and her. I know it sounds bad and pety, but I know that is how I fell weak and into this crappy situation. I shouldve been stronger to resist, but I made this horrible choice and now it is twisting life upside down something awful.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

fidel said:


> And since she was also military, she had a special understanding i suppose that my wife never had for what I do and what I go through and what I sacrifice for my family and her.


Just as an FYI, if you do discuss this with your wife I think it would be acceptable to say you felt since she was also AD she understood the daily grind that you go through and the stress. I would NOT say she knew what you "sacrifice for your family and her" especially since you were over there cheating on your wife. That, my friend, would be in bad taste. (This is only in the interest of making sure you don't put your foot in your mouth)


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## fidel (Apr 23, 2012)

DawnD said:


> Just as an FYI, if you do discuss this with your wife I think it would be acceptable to say you felt since she was also AD she understood the daily grind that you go through and the stress. I would NOT say she knew what you "sacrifice for your family and her" especially since you were over there cheating on your wife. That, my friend, would be in bad taste. (This is only in the interest of making sure you don't put your foot in your mouth)


Yeah, i never thought about that until tonight that maybe since she was military, it made it more comfortable for me...but if i do talk to her and reveal this angle, i will be sure to omit the sacrifice part...i know my wife sacrifices a lot being home and taking care of the kids too, its all too obvious...but i dont bring work home most times so my wife never knows what i do and how much crap i have to endure...for all she knows, i sit on my butt and if i come home in a good mood, that means i didnt work much...uggghhh, so much crap...


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

fidel said:


> Yeah, i never thought about that until tonight that maybe since she was military, it made it more comfortable for me...but if i do talk to her and reveal this angle, i will be sure to omit the sacrifice part...i know my wife sacrifices a lot being home and taking care of the kids too, its all too obvious...but i dont bring work home most times so my wife never knows what i do and how much crap i have to endure...for all she knows, i sit on my butt and if i come home in a good mood, that means i didnt work much...uggghhh, so much crap...


I can understand that. But is also isn't really appropriate to use the word "sacrificing" when you were over there with your mistress. Having sex with another woman isn't really a "sacrifice". 


On the other hand, have you never thought to introduce your wife to what your day looks like? You say the OW understood you, yet you don't try to help your wife understand. I am lucky, I was prior service and my H is military, so I get it. But I also see a lot of soldiers who keep their spouse in the dark and then get mad that they don't understand. You can't have it both ways.


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## fidel (Apr 23, 2012)

DawnD said:


> I can understand that. But is also isn't really appropriate to use the word "sacrificing" when you were over there with your mistress. Having sex with another woman isn't really a "sacrifice".
> 
> 
> On the other hand, have you never thought to introduce your wife to what your day looks like? You say the OW understood you, yet you don't try to help your wife understand. I am lucky, I was prior service and my H is military, so I get it. But I also see a lot of soldiers who keep their spouse in the dark and then get mad that they don't understand. You can't have it both ways.


I think that has always been a two-fold issue...I have tried to explain what it is that I do. And of course, as time passes and I gain rank and position, things change. The scope of what we do and what we are responsible for changes and as I try to explain that, I still never got through entirely. I know part of my issue before I had an affair was that I was never told by her how much she respected what I did and how much it means to her or appreciates what I do. I never got that kind of support till that deployment, and of course, during the affair. It was two-fold because i probably didnt try hard enough to get her to understand and she didnt care enough to learn and understand what it is I actually do...but it would seem that is an issue that is dead and too late to fix...


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