# My husband loves the dog more than me?



## Slyoun03 (Aug 1, 2020)

Discussion Starter • #1 • a moment ago
I’ve been married now for almost 5 years together for 7. In the first 3 years of our relationship I did everything above and beyond for my husband because I wanted him to see how much I love him. 

I let down barriers that I never did in previous relationships (as well as my previous marriage) and was completely vulnerable/submissive. At some point my husband (we were dating at the time) wanted a dog, a bigger breed dog, and I agreed to it but in the back of my mind I know it was a bad idea (I had 2 small children from a previous marriage and honestly I was not educated on how to care for larger dogs and didn’t do any research before hand) but he convinced me this was his “dream” dog and so I just trusted him and went with the flow.. it was a nightmare. 

We got the dog as a puppy but neither of us had the knowledge to properly train the dog, and when we had her evaluated by a specialist he’d pretty much told us something was “wrong” with her (the mother bit her as a puppy and he said that was her way of eliminating the puppy?). Any who, my husband in my opinion didn’t properly care for her and I was growing aggravated by the day of the destruction she was causing to my home. It was starting to put a huge strain on our relationship when we had ZERO problems before. 

The last straw came when the dog bit my then 6 year old son. My husband was not home when the incident occurred and I did not witness it, I just heard my son scream in distress and when I got to him, my son was laid on the floor in the fetal position with my daughter yelling that the dog had bitten him. From that point on I wanted the dog out of my house. 

My husband tried to down play the situation (mind you he was not there) and claim that she was probably playing and got too rough. It ended with us separating which really changed how I felt/loved him. I felt like after everything I’d done for him up til that point meant nothing when he was letting me know he cared more about this dog. And I felt I was made to be a *** when I was choosing my kids safety. Eventually he rehomed the dog but it’s still a sensitive topic for me. It’s been 4 years, and I still think about it from time to time. We even argue every once in awhile because he feels I have changed and am not as emotionally connected and I just want to scream “I wonder why!?”

In the mist of all of that we adopted a smaller dog and we’ve had him for 5 years. He’s old and so we expect he only has a few more years life expectancy and so for some reason the topic of dogs came up in a conversation between him and my daughter. He told her when our current dog passed, he planned on getting that same breed dog that he rehomed some years earlier. All those emotions started flooding back and we started to argue. It’s a few days later and it’s still on my mind. Like why would he want to put our marriage through that again? 

I can’t talk to him because I know it’s just going to be an argument, but I’m finding myself distancing from him from just the thought of going through that all over again


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Why does he think is ok to get a dog without his own wifes approval? 
I don't blame you for being upset. He clearly knows it's a sensitive subject for you, so why does he think that's ok? You have to ask him, after you calm down of course.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Slyoun03 said:


> ... why would he want to put our marriage through that again?


My guess is he doesn't particularly respect you or your opinion. He doesn't take you seriously. You left before and you returned. If you don't want that particular breed of dog in your home, you either stand firm on your opinion or you learn to live with that breed. Doesn't sound like he's much on compromise.

The question I have is why, after you put your marriage through this once before, are you still hanging around for act two?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I understand that it's a sensitive topic for you and I understand why you don't want another big dog. But you need to get into therapy and/or marriage counseling. You should not be holding onto so much resentment that it's still an issue 4 years later, and affecting your marriage this much. 

Your husband needs to learn to respect your feelings and opinions, and take some responsibility. Here is what I'd tell him. If he wants that breed again (what breed was it?), then he needs to do a few things:

A) get the dog from a _reputable_ breeder or _breed-specific_ shelter

B) he needs to find a reputable dog trainer, before getting the dog

C) he needs to pay for said trainer in advance, before getting the dog

D) get some books on dog training and actually read them, before to getting the dog


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Having a person in the house who doesn't like dogs will cause problems the dog wouldn't otherwise have. 

The kids have no doubt picked up on your feelings toward the dog and dogs are very sensitive to all that. It is said that dogs bite fear. 

Dogs are the kindest most loyal people loving animals on the face of the Earth. So there usually is a reason if one goes rogue and that reason is usually human but could also be a medical problem. For example mine has seizures and is extra defensive because of this because both people and dogs will attack her when her energy is off before during and after a seizure. 

You have kids and he wants a dog. Does that mean you don't have kids together? 

Training only goes so far. You can't make a dog be a human. You have to somehow get the human to understand dogs. I'm sure it broke his heart to rehome that dog and I hope he's able to visit it. All I can tell you is I understand to a certain extent your concern since a child got bit but I do think it was partly due to the dynamic of you being hostile to the dog. 

I would choose my dog over anyone because she is my responsibility. But I do agree with the others that considering you don't like dogs much, he shouldn't be bringing another into the house and if he wants one that bad maybe he should just move out and get dogs until his heart is content. the difference between him and me is that if I had known someone didn't like dogs I would never have married them.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Slyoun03 said:


> I did everything above and beyond for my husband because I wanted him to see how much I love him. I let down barriers that I never did in previous relationships (as well as my previous marriage) and was completely vulnerable/submissive.....I felt like after everything I’d done for him up til that point meant nothing when he was letting me know he cared more about this dog.


So, I'm going to say this, and it just might sting a little, but I'm not saying it to offend you. I'm saying it for you to glean from.

You ever hear a spoiled child is ungrateful? 
That's the way it goes for adults too sometimes. Probably pretty often.

You gave him everything you had to show him what he meant to you, but did he give you everything? Did you make sure you meant as much to him as he meant to you? That road is supposed to be a two-way street.

There's a general rule that you can't give more than you get because when you do, you give the other person all the power in the relationship, and nobody handles power all that well. That's why there has to always be a balance. You know the checks and balance rule.

The thing about men is they have to chase. It's a primal instinct even if they are not aware. You gave all of yourself and went above and beyond to show your love, so what was left for him to capture? You showered him freely, so there was nothing for him to earn, and everybody knows the trophy is prized when it's earned. The one given just for showing up holds considerably less value.

I had a friend whose father heard her on the phone with her husband from whom she had recently separated. Dad was kind of disappointed with what he heard from her end of the conversation and when she got off the phone, he sat his daughter down and, among other things, he told her "You forgot that YOU are the prize." See what I mean? You didn't make that man work for it.

So, after giving him everything that was in you, you expected to have earned his gratitude and became disappointed to discover none was forthcoming, that he doesn't care nearly as much as you do. And you also discovered that all he thinks he about is you don't shower like you used to. Still no gratitude, just "Where is my milk and honey?" while he continues to show you how necessary it was for you to give chase so that he'd have something to be grateful for.

I know you didn't know, and I really hate that. I wish there were some kind of school for girls so that every woman knew how to conduct herself in relationships and had the self-esteem not to love a man more than they love themselves. They would never be taken for granted. They'd never be abused. They'd be treated like the prize that they are. And they would settle for nothing less.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

bobert said:


> I understand that it's a sensitive topic for you and I understand why you don't want another big dog. But you need to get into therapy and/or marriage counseling. You should not be holding onto so much resentment that it's still an issue 4 years later, and affecting your marriage this much.


So much difference between men and women that I can't believe we survived together all these centuries LOL.

Bobert, I'm afraid you missed her point. This is not resentment and has nothing to do with resentment. She is hurt and in pain. And that kind of pain doesn't go away. She didn't deserve this kind of insensitive response. Prefacing it with a claim of understanding and then dismissing her like this means you really didn't understand. Maybe this is just the difference between men and women. And maybe that's why women are known to cry so much.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> considering you don't like dogs much..... the difference between him and me is that if I had known someone didn't like dogs I would never have married them.


But where did she say she doesn't like dogs?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

She didn't want him to get a big dog to begin with. A dog lover wouldn't have already been thinking it was a bad idea.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Aw hon, c'mon now. Don't indict her like that. They have a small dog she didn't complain about at all. Do people have to love ALL dogs? Are there only two categories- dog lovers and dog haters and nothing in between?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

StarFires said:


> So much difference between men and women that I can't believe we survived together all these centuries LOL.
> 
> Bobert, I'm afraid you missed her point. This is not resentment and has nothing to do with resentment. She is hurt and in pain. And that kind of pain doesn't go away. She didn't deserve this kind of insensitive response. Prefacing it with a claim of understanding and then dismissing her like this means you really didn't understand. Maybe this is just the difference between men and women. And maybe that's why women are known to cry so much.


I wasn't insensitive, nor did I dismiss anything. Stop arguing with people.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I have a question. Did the dog indeed bite your child? Was there a bite mark or was there not? What had been going on when the incident occurred?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Slyoun03, since I had to be falsely accused of arguing just for saying something, I apologize to you for the insensitive and dismissive response you received regarding the very big difference between resentment and heart-rending distress.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Livvie said:


> I have a question. Did the dog indeed bite your child? Was there a bite mark or was there not? What had been going on when the incident occurred?


And was it established why the child was bitten? Some dogs are mentally damaged and bite for no valid reason. Sometimes an older dog will nip a puppy if it thinks the puppy is out of line. And that happens with both canine and human puppies.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> "You forgot that YOU are the prize." See what I mean? You didn't make that man work for it.


Wish my father had treated me that way.


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## Slyoun03 (Aug 1, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Having a person in the house who doesn't like dogs will cause problems the dog wouldn't otherwise have.
> 
> The kids have no doubt picked up on your feelings toward the dog and dogs are very sensitive to all that. It is said that dogs bite fear.
> 
> ...


 I never said I didn’t like dogs. In fact most of my life I’ve owned a dog, just smaller ones. I didn’t care for this dog because of its size, the destruction it was causing and my husband’s lack of responsibility towards the dog. The kids liked the dog, and to this day will say they would have been ok if we kept her but they are kids and I am the mother whom is responsible for protecting her kids, and if anyone or anything threatens my kids safety they have to go period! My children and I were in the picture years before the dog came along so don’t you think it broke my heart a little more that he was more concerned of keeping the dog than keeping us? Dogs are great sometimes but there has to be a line between the love you have for your dog and the love you have for your wife and kids. The trainer who came and evaluated her said he sensed something was wrong because the mother bit her as a pup? We never looked further into that. A few years later we had a baby together, she is 2 now. After he rehomed the dog, the family he gave her to rehomed her as well! I don’t know the whole back story but a baby came into the picture and that wife wanted her gone as well. I was never directly hostile towards the dog, but after she bit my son I stopped tending to her. She bit my child, I wanted nothing more to do with her because to me, she was a threat and if I had it my way she would’ve been removed from my home that same night, but I gave him the chance to find her a home. It was a mastiff btw. We had marriage counseling through this whole ordeal and the counselor basically told him you need to rehome the dog, and after that he didn’t want to do counseling anymore.


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## Slyoun03 (Aug 1, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> Why does he think is ok to get a dog without his own wifes approval?
> I don't blame you for being upset. He clearly knows it's a sensitive subject for you, so why does he think that's ok? You have to ask him, after you calm down of course.


I don’t think he would be bold enough to bring home a dog without my permission. It just upset me the thought of going through that nightmare again, and now knowing at some point it will be an argument again.


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## Slyoun03 (Aug 1, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> My guess is he doesn't particularly respect you or your opinion. He doesn't take you seriously. You left before and you returned. If you don't want that particular breed of dog in your home, you either stand firm on your opinion or you learn to live with that breed. Doesn't sound like he's much on compromise.
> 
> The question I have is why, after you put your marriage through this once before, are you still hanging around for act two?


He is a really good man. He reluctantly rehomed the dog, and a few years later we had a baby together (although that was also a fight). He’s a father to my older kids and treats them just as his own. This was honestly the ONLY issues that lingers in our relationship and I wish he’d see that. When we argue because he feels like I don’t want to be close to him, this situation comes right back to my mind. I don’t want to hold onto this but then how can I let it go when I know he wants to bring this type of dog (a mastiff) back to my home when he knows how I’ll feel about it. Having a dog is like a luxury to me. It’s something you get when you know it’ll bring you joy. It won’t bring me joy at all, but it’s something he just wants me to tolerate.


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## Slyoun03 (Aug 1, 2020)

bobert said:


> I understand that it's a sensitive topic for you and I understand why you don't want another big dog. But you need to get into therapy and/or marriage counseling. You should not be holding onto so much resentment that it's still an issue 4 years later, and affecting your marriage this much.
> 
> Your husband needs to learn to respect your feelings and opinions, and take some responsibility. Here is what I'd tell him. If he wants that breed again (what breed was it?), then he needs to do a few things:
> 
> ...


We did go to counseling while the dog was still in our home. The counselor basically told me husband, your marriage takes priority and if this dog is causing this much trouble, trouble that was not present before then you need to rehome the dog. My husband didn’t want to go to counseling anymore after that.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

So, you avoided answering. Was there an actual bite? What was going on when the incident occurred?


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## Slyoun03 (Aug 1, 2020)

StarFires said:


> So, I'm going to say this, and it just might sting a little, but I'm not saying it to offend you. I'm saying it for you to glean from.
> 
> You ever hear a spoiled child is ungrateful?
> That's the way it goes for adults too sometimes. Probably pretty often.
> ...


You are so right. The other night he said “you use to be so easy going and laid back.”
I just want to tell him YOU CHANGED ME! I never made him chase me. In fact I did the chasing, which years later I’m starting to regret. Don’t get me wrong my husband is a good man, he works hard (I never have an issue with him taking care of his family) there has never been any issues of infidelity and never will be (my husband doesn’t have the heart to step out on me or his family which I love about him) he makes sure I know exactly where he is etc and checks in with me even when I act annoyed that he’s calling to check in. This was the issue that changed our relationship. I even feel like crying now remembering everything we went through over a DOG. When I saw how much he wanted to fight for this dog, it made me feel worthless, and 4 years later it still does. And him talking about getting another one just brings all those emotions back.


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## Slyoun03 (Aug 1, 2020)

Livvie said:


> So, you avoided answering. Was there an actual bite? What was going on when the incident occurred?


I did not witness it. My kids and the dog were down stairs and I went upstairs to grab a basket of laundry to fold. I heard my son scream and I literally jumped down 2 stair cases to see him on the kitchen floor in the fetal position, and my daughter screaming that the dog bit him. My son knows no fear, so to see him like that, I knew something happened. On his face were two scratches, so my husband was saying the dog probably jumped up on him (at the time my son was 6 weighed 60lbs and the dog weighed 90lbs) and grazed him or something? I don’t know he just kept arguing that she did it with him, but was just playing.


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## Slyoun03 (Aug 1, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> She didn't want him to get a big dog to begin with. A dog lover wouldn't have already been thinking it was a bad idea.


I thought it was a bad idea because I had small children and knew nothing about this dog breed. The biggest dog I’d owned up until that point was a boxer.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Livvie said:


> So, you avoided answering. Was there an actual bite? What was going on when the incident occurred?


Who cares. She doesn’t feel comfortable with this dog.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> Who cares. She doesn’t feel comfortable with this dog.


I cared, so I asked. I imagine her husband cares. She's been saying through this thread that the dog BIT her son. Now she's saying it was a couple of scratches on his face. _That's a horse of a different color_. And yeah, scratches can inadvertently happen if you are playing with a big dog. And little dog, actually.

The dog was rehomed so I'm not sure why you would respond "she doesn't feel comfortable with this dog". Dog is gone.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Slyoun03 said:


> You are so right. The other night he said “you use to be so easy going and laid back.”
> I just want to tell him YOU CHANGED ME! I never made him chase me. In fact I did the chasing, which years later I’m starting to regret. Don’t get me wrong my husband is a good man, he works hard (I never have an issue with him taking care of his family) there has never been any issues of infidelity and never will be (my husband doesn’t have the heart to step out on me or his family which I love about him) he makes sure I know exactly where he is etc and checks in with me even when I act annoyed that he’s calling to check in. This was the issue that changed our relationship. I even feel like crying now remembering everything we went through over a DOG. When I saw how much he wanted to fight for this dog, it made me feel worthless, and 4 years later it still does. And him talking about getting another one just brings all those emotions back.


My dear, your heartache is palpable and was obvious in your original post too. That's the kind of heartache that haunts a person like PTSD, which is what you're going through. Something triggers the memories, and the memories cause those same wrenching and painful feelings all over again. And for him to announce his thoughtless and inconsiderate plan to send you through that exact same experience all over again is unbelievable....and unforgivable.

Don't let him put you through that again. But don't argue about it either. When the time comes, just let him know "It's either us or the dog." Let him choose the darned dog all he wants. I know it hurts but if he can't find his marbles and lost screws his little pea brain is missing, it's not up to you to find them for him.

Twice you mentioned "I just want to tell him" something that you didn't express, but you should have. Tell him both of those things. Your feelings matter, so don't be afraid to express yourself to him.


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## Slyoun03 (Aug 1, 2020)

Livvie said:


> I cared, so I asked. I imagine her husband cares. She's been saying through this thread that the dog BIT her son. Now she's saying it was a couple of scratches on his face. _That's a horse of a different color_. And yeah, scratches can inadvertently happen if you are playing with a big dog. And little dog, actually.
> 
> The dog was rehomed so I'm not sure why you would respond "she doesn't feel comfortable with this dog". Dog is gone.


The dog hurt my son... period. I wanted to be transparent is saying that I didn’t witness the ordeal, but whatever happened it hurt him enough to scream bloody murder and crouch down in the fetal position in fear. That was enough for me. I say she bit him because the only witness (my daughter) says she did. Now if I over looked it and it happened again only this time the outcome being worse I would be labeled a bad mother for allowing the dog to stay after she’d already hurt my child before.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

NextTimeAround said:


> Wish my father had treated me that way.


Yep, that's the role a father plays (or rather is supposed to) in his daughter's life - to teach her the ways of men and to build her self esteem. People often mistake gender roles but between the ages of 12 and 16, it's dad, not mom, who is the most important parent in a girl's life. Unfortunately, too few people know that.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Slyoun03 said:


> The dog hurt my son... period. I wanted to be transparent is saying that I didn’t witness the ordeal, but whatever happened it hurt him enough to scream bloody murder and crouch down in the fetal position in fear. That was enough for me. I say she bit him because the only witness (my daughter) says she did. Now if I over looked it and it happened again only this time the outcome being worse I would be labeled a bad mother for allowing the dog to stay after she’d already hurt my child before.


If there was no evidence of a bite, but evidence of a scratch/s, then the truth of the matter is that your son was scratched, not bitten, and it's been disingenuous to go around saying the dog bit your son ..for years. I'm betting that was part of the initial conflict you had with your husband over the matter. What happened? If he was bitten there would be some evidence of a bite. If not, and there were a couple of scratches, then call it what it was. And yeah, find out how they were playing and what was going on. Heck I've gotten scratched by one of my own children in play.

I'm not saying that isn't a big dog and that something rough didn't happen, be repeating that he was BITTEN when that doesn't seem the case isn't cool.

Bites leave evidence on the flesh.


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## Slyoun03 (Aug 1, 2020)

Livvie said:


> If there was no evidence of a bite, but evidence of a scratch/s, then the truth of the matter is that your son was scratched, not bitten, and it's been disingenuous to go around saying the dog bit your son ..for years. I'm betting that was part of the initial conflict you had with your husband over the matter. What happened? If he was bitten there would be some evidence of a bite. If not, and there were a couple of scratches, then call it what it was. And yeah, find out how they were playing and what was going on. Heck I've gotten scratched by one of my own children in play.
> 
> I'm not saying that isn't a big dog and that something rough didn't happen, be repeating that he was BITTEN when that doesn't seem the case isn't cool.
> 
> Bites leave evidence on the flesh.


As I said before.. I say she bit because the person who witnessed it till this day says that’s what happened. Either way the dog was u fit to be around small children and that’s evident because the family he placed her with rehomed her as well..


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## Slyoun03 (Aug 1, 2020)

Livvie said:


> If there was no evidence of a bite, but evidence of a scratch/s, then the truth of the matter is that your son was scratched, not bitten, and it's been disingenuous to go around saying the dog bit your son ..for years. I'm betting that was part of the initial conflict you had with your husband over the matter. What happened? If he was bitten there would be some evidence of a bite. If not, and there were a couple of scratches, then call it what it was. And yeah, find out how they were playing and what was going on. Heck I've gotten scratched by one of my own children in play.
> 
> I'm not saying that isn't a big dog and that something rough didn't happen, be repeating that he was BITTEN when that doesn't seem the case isn't cool.
> 
> Bites leave evidence on the flesh.


I didn’t witness what happened. I’m just going off what my daughter told me, and how I found my son which was enough for me to feel the dog was not stable for young children.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Slyoun03 said:


> I didn’t witness what happened. I’m just going off what my daughter told me, and how I found my son which was enough for me to feel the dog was not stable for young children.


This is why you are having problems with your husband over dogs. If you don't see the problem with saying a dog bit your child when there is no evidence of a bite, then there is no helping you. I'm out of this thread.


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## Slyoun03 (Aug 1, 2020)

Livvie said:


> This is why you are having problems with your husband over dogs. If you don't see the problem with saying a dog bit your child when there is no evidence of a bite, then there is no helping you. I'm out of this thread.


I guess you didn’t read my post in its entirety because that wasn’t the only problem. This was just the last straw for me, but thanks for your input?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Slyoun03 said:


> I didn’t witness what happened. I’m just going off what my daughter told me, and how I found my son which was enough for me to feel the dog was not stable for young children.


You don't have to keep trying to defend yourself from people who enjoy being despicably challenging, starting arguments, and love keeping them going over and over. Your parents do not participate on this board, so you have no one here to answer to.

The fact is that nobody knows what a dog bite looks like until they actually see one. I know that because I have a dog bite on my right arm where my torn flesh from the top of the rottweiler's teeth was about 5 inches from my torn flesh from the bottom of his teeth. I had to have surgery to remove the infection. I was 42 at the time but when I was 14, I was at a friends house who had a beautiful black lab. Snoopy was a great dog and so much fun to play with. My friend, another buddy of ours, and I were roughhousing on her bed, when I pulled my friend's hair and jerked her head a little bit and she yelped "ouch." Snoopy jumped up and nipped my face. He was letting me know that playing was allowed, but I was in no way allowed to potentially harm his beloved owner. He was protecting her by warning me without actually trying to hurt me. But that nip was three little scratches on my face (two on my face and one on my nose). Those healed completely and didn't leave any evidence, thank goodness. But I'm not certain if the scars on my right arm are worse from the surgery than the bite itself would have left.

So there you have two very different types of dog bites. Your daughter said she bit your son, and that is exactly what she did.

You did not misrepresent anything here.


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## Slyoun03 (Aug 1, 2020)

I just felt like I was caught between trying to be a good mother to my children or trying to make my husband happy and there I was in the middle miserable. I never want to go through that again. As I said before I still think about 4 years later and wonder if our relationship would be better had that never happened. I have no desire at this point to have another dog, and I dread the day I will have to tell him that and again I will be stuck with the decision to let him be happy or make me miserable.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Livvie said:


> This is why you are having problems with your husband over dogs. If you don't see the problem with saying a dog bit your child when there is no evidence of a bite, then there is no helping you. I'm out of this thread.


You have to be kidding me.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Slyoun03 said:


> I just felt like I was caught between trying to be a good mother to my children or trying to make my husband happy and there I was in the middle miserable. I never want to go through that again. As I said before I still think about 4 years later and wonder if our relationship would be better had that never happened. I have no desire at this point to have another dog, and I dread the day I will have to tell him that and again I will be stuck with the decision to let him be happy or make me miserable.


You did the right thing and it’s obvious your a great mother.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Just curious, does he cook chicken for the dog, but not you?


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## Slyoun03 (Aug 1, 2020)

CharlieParker said:


> Just curious, does he cook chicken for the dog, but not you?


Lol he doesn’t cook so no. And the dog is no longer in my home. This was 4 years ago, but he expressed a few days ago that he’d planned to get the same breed dog once my youngest child is older.


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## Slyoun03 (Aug 1, 2020)

CharlieParker said:


> Just curious, does he cook chicken for the dog, but not you?


Lol he doesn’t cook so no. And the dog is no longer in my home. This was 4 years ago, but he expressed a few days ago that he’d planned to get the same breed dog once my youngest child is older


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

In your opening post OP, you talk more than once about how much you did/do for your husband. He has also done a lot for you - he took on your not one, but TWO children! He gave up his dog for you. What more do you want from him?

Mastiffs are lovely dogs, but they do need owners who are committed to understanding their breed heritage and putting a LOT of time into training them. Those are the only circumstances under which anyone should have most breeds of dog, but especially large breeds who can do a lot of damage. For the dogs sake, I caution you against allowing another one in your home, as he's proven before that he isn't that owner.

ETA - I'm a second wife who also took on my husbands child, I came into the marriage with my dogs, which I understand is different to your situation. No way in hades would I give them up, not even for my stepchild (she loves them and would kill me if I did lol, but my point is that it would never happen, no matter what).


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm not a dog person, (have only owned two). and i would rather live with a mastiff than a chiuaua. I've never met a mastiff that I didn't get along with.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Have you talked to your husband recently about this? Told him what you've told us here? You should. Now. 

Here's the thing. As you can see, I love dogs, too. But I am not a parent. I will admit I get real angsty when I see photos of young children cozying up to dogs. Why? Because even if the dog is the most mild mannered, chill dog, it is an animal, after all. Young children don't understand their own body yet and may "pet" the dog in a way the dog may misinterpret and act like . . . A dog. I could give a myriad of examples. 

I'm not saying that's what happened here. I'm speaking in general terms. I remember being very young and visiting some out of state relatives. I was running in their back yard with their St. Bernard. I cried because She bit me. But looking back, she really didn't. I was just scared of her big stature, I think, while we were playing.

All this to say, especially to children, perception is reality. I think you absolutely did the right thing in believing your son and I cringe just thinking of your husband getting another mastiff. The disrespect by saying he will get another one is so deplorable to me and boy howdy I would change my feelings about him. When he says those things, tell him! Why aren't you talking about this to him? 

If he digs his heels in, he would have to train that dog with military precision and stay on top of the training. If not, the dog goes.

I'm a bit disgusted by your husband to be honest.


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## Slyoun03 (Aug 1, 2020)

frusdil said:


> In your opening post OP, you talk more than once about how much you did/do for your husband. He has also done a lot for you - he took on your not one, but TWO children! He gave up his dog for you. What more do you want from him?
> 
> Mastiffs are lovely dogs, but they do need owners who are committed to understanding their breed heritage and putting a LOT of time into training them. Those are the only circumstances under which anyone should have most breeds of dog, but especially large breeds who can do a lot of damage. For the dogs sake, I caution you against allowing another one in your home, as he's proven before that he isn't that owner.
> 
> ETA - I'm a second wife who also took on my husbands child, I came into the marriage with my dogs, which I understand is different to your situation. No way in hades would I give them up, not even for my stepchild (she loves them and would kill me if I did lol, but my point is that it would never happen, no matter what).


Let me give you some background about our relationship before you say I should have let him keep a dog that came into the picture well after my children and I established a family with him. It would’ve been different if this were a dog he had before us (such as in your scenario). My husband and I are in the same profession, but when we met I was 4 years into my career and he was still in school. Being that I did not have a great support system from my ex while I was in school, I went above and beyond for him because that’s the love I’d wanted. So I did all the cooking, all the cleaning, paid all the bills (he offered to chip in financially but I said no because I knew he was making much money at the time and again I was expressed a “love language” to him that i wish was expressed to me). All he had to do was go to work, school, and study. I did EVERYTHING else, including tending to my own children. But of course he was present in the home and has always been great to them. Putting the love of children on the same level as the love you show a pet is a trigger for me. I don’t think it’s right. I’ve owned smaller breed dogs pretty much my whole life and I have one now, but if it ever came down between my children and my dog, it’s never a question that my children and honestly any child that is in my sight for the moment or long term dominates over mine or any other dog (I say that because I once had a co worker whom told me a story about when she was in a situation and had to make a split decision to either save a child whom was a stranger to her, or he dog of 12 years and like a compassionate human she picked the child though it hurt her deeply that she lost her dog). So my point being, I took care of him until we were married, as a way of showing him how much I love him. So I don’t feel like him being there for my children whom aren’t biologically his went above and beyond what I did, and there for I should’ve just put up with the situation when no solutions were being made after I gave him 3 different chances to fix it. The dog putting fear in my young child, was the last straw. I’m a mother above anything else.


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## Slyoun03 (Aug 1, 2020)

Mr. Nail said:


> I'm not a dog person, (have only owned two). and i would rather live with a mastiff than a chiuaua. I've never met a mastiff that I didn't get along with.


Maybe this mastiff was off... we did have her evaluated and the trainer said something was wrong and is why the mother bit her. After the biting she was taken away from the mother.


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## Slyoun03 (Aug 1, 2020)

lucy999 said:


> Have you talked to your husband recently about this? Told him what you've told us here? You should. Now.
> 
> Here's the thing. As you can see, I love dogs, too. But I am not a parent. I will admit I get real angsty when I see photos of young children cozying up to dogs. Why? Because even if the dog is the most mild mannered, chill dog, it is an animal, after all. Young children don't understand their own body yet and may "pet" the dog in a way the dog may misinterpret and act like . . . A dog. I could give a myriad of examples.
> 
> ...


So we haven’t really “talk” about it in fact I try to avoid it because it just brings back all those feelings of being hurt and feeling worthless which then affects the way I treat him. A couple of days ago him and my oldest daughter were casually talking about dogs and he said “when your sister is about 8 years I’m going to get a mastiff.” It immediately upset me, and we kind of argued? I basically told him he wasn’t responsible enough to take care of that type of dog, I didn’t want the destruction to my home, and since we’re putting in an in ground pool we wouldn’t have the yard for it and I don’t want to pick up dog poop because I know he’s not going to do which would also piss me off and make me not want to own the dog. His defense was he wouldn’t be in school this time around, him and the children would take turns cleaning up after the dog, and the specific breed was “lazy” and low maintenance. I rolled my eyes and walked away from the conversation and we haven’t spoken about it since. He comments now that I don’t “love” dogs the way I use to (I wonder why, I went through an experience with a dog that almost cost me my marriage!) so why would he think it be a good idea bringing this type of dog back into the picture? The problem is, my husband loves the “idea” of having this dog but doesn’t want to put in the work it takes to care for it and gets mad when I call him out on that.


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## Slyoun03 (Aug 1, 2020)

frusdil said:


> In your opening post OP, you talk more than once about how much you did/do for your husband. He has also done a lot for you - he took on your not one, but TWO children! He gave up his dog for you. What more do you want from him?
> 
> Mastiffs are lovely dogs, but they do need owners who are committed to understanding their breed heritage and putting a LOT of time into training them. Those are the only circumstances under which anyone should have most breeds of dog, but especially large breeds who can do a lot of damage. For the dogs sake, I caution you against allowing another one in your home, as he's proven before that he isn't that owner.
> 
> ETA - I'm a second wife who also took on my husbands child, I came into the marriage with my dogs, which I understand is different to your situation. No way in hades would I give them up, not even for my stepchild (she loves them and would kill me if I did lol, but my point is that it would never happen, no matter what).


Also because you made the statement that I should’ve let him keep this dog because he was being a father to children whom weren’t biologically his, does that mean that if my children were biologically his then the situation could’ve been different? I ask because his brother pretty much said the same thing, yet when him and his wife had a baby he rehomed his large dog that he had for YEARS prior to them getting married because the dog only showed signs of aggression. So are my children less valuable because they aren’t biologically his, and I should feel obliged to put my kids safety at risk?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Let him get mad all he wants. If he won't take care of the dog, it's a nonstarter.


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## Slyoun03 (Aug 1, 2020)

lucy999 said:


> Let him get mad all he wants. If he won't take care of the dog, it's a nonstarter.


He claims he will. But I KNOW my husband and he won’t do it to my standards..by nature I’m a very clean person and I prefer my house being clean at all times. My husband is the opposite. So when I say you need to pick up the dog poop I mean you need to go outside after the dog comes in and pick up the dog poop. He will pick it up once a week after I nag at him to do so and will claim “I do a good job picking up the dog poop.”


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

If you're OK with another Mastiff coming into the house (and I don't think you are--I don't blame you), then you need to leave no stone unturned when it comes the rules with your husband. Say, clean up poop every day, not 1x a week, etc. If the rules aren't followed, bye bye dog. And coming from my mouth--to rehome a dog under those conditions is a huge deal. I wouldn't even let it get that far, but people are different and what won't work for someone might work for another.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Slyoun03 said:


> So we haven’t really “talk” about it in fact I try to avoid it .... I rolled my eyes and walked away from the conversation and we haven’t spoken about it since.


Doing stuff like this isn't going to help. You and your husband need to sit down and talk about this until it is resolved.

If your daughter says the dog bit your son and there were only scratches on his face, then the dog most likely scratched your son with her teeth while playing. I've seen that happy many times. If a dog of that size wanted to do damage, it would have.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Slyoun03 said:


> Let me give you some background about our relationship before you say I should have let him keep a dog that came into the picture well after my children and I established a family with him. It would’ve been different if this were a dog he had before us (such as in your scenario). My husband and I are in the same profession, but when we met I was 4 years into my career and he was still in school. Being that I did not have a great support system from my ex while I was in school, I went above and beyond for him because that’s the love I’d wanted. So I did all the cooking, all the cleaning, paid all the bills (he offered to chip in financially but I said no because I knew he was making much money at the time and again I was expressed a “love language” to him that i wish was expressed to me). All he had to do was go to work, school, and study. I did EVERYTHING else, including tending to my own children. But of course he was present in the home and has always been great to them. Putting the love of children on the same level as the love you show a pet is a trigger for me. I don’t think it’s right. I’ve owned smaller breed dogs pretty much my whole life and I have one now, but if it ever came down between my children and my dog, it’s never a question that my children and honestly any child that is in my sight for the moment or long term dominates over mine or any other dog (I say that because I once had a co worker whom told me a story about when she was in a situation and had to make a split decision to either save a child whom was a stranger to her, or he dog of 12 years and like a compassionate human she picked the child though it hurt her deeply that she lost her dog). So my point being, I took care of him until we were married, as a way of showing him how much I love him. So I don’t feel like him being there for my children whom aren’t biologically his went above and beyond what I did, and there for I should’ve just put up with the situation when no solutions were being made after I gave him 3 different chances to fix it. The dog putting fear in my young child, was the last straw. I’m a mother above anything else.


Pretty incredible response and very apropos to an even more incredibly insane statement of placing a dog over a child's wellbeing, especially being a situation they haven't and never will experience. And no, I wouldn't care if you never did anything for the man, the choice to be with you was his, and your children are part of the package. You certainly don't owe him any kind of debt of undying gratitude, nor reduction or dismissal of his responsibility to you and your children just because he took on that package. Goodness!!!

You gave us more information than you initially intended just because you keep thinking you have to answer to people's ridiculous comments and challenges. I really wish you would stop thinking that. When the comments are not civil or sensible or even convincing (full of bull like this one you responded to), just ignore them. No one can make you respond.

And seriously, I couldn't care less if a dog's bite resulted in only scratches. You did the right thing to make him get rid of the dog. How many bites and scratches were you supposed to allow your son or daughter to receive???


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Slyoun03 said:


> I thought it was a bad idea because I had small children and knew nothing about this dog breed. The biggest dog I’d owned up until that point was a boxer.


Mastiffs are not an easy breed. They are basically war dogs. They need someone who can can train and handle them

How much training did your husband do with this dog? He he walk it at least once a day?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Livvie said:


> This is why you are having problems with your husband over dogs. If you don't see the problem with saying a dog bit your child when there is no evidence of a bite, then there is no helping you. I'm out of this thread.


When my son was 6 he used to go to the neighbor's house to play with their son who was about the same age. They had a Rottweiler. That dog seemed like a sweetheart. My son really liked the dog and often played with it.

One day my son came home freaked out. He said that the dog walked up to my son and put is mouth completely over my son's face. Basically it's mouth was wrapped ear to ear around his face. The dog held my son like that for a bit and then let go. At at point my son just ran home and told me. I went to the neighbors to verify this and the kid who my son was playing with verified it. The boys mother thought nothing of it.

My son did not even have a scratch on his face from this. Rottweiler could have crushed his face had it decided to do so. That was the last time my son went to that house.

A bit does not have to break the skin, or even leave a red mark to be a serious problem. 

*@Slyoun03,* is afraid of dogs like mastiffs. She is wise to be very cautious about them. The breed is not for everyone. Most people have no clue how to handle one. It sounds like her husband does not know how to handle a mastiff.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr. Nail said:


> I'm not a dog person, (have only owned two). and i would rather live with a mastiff than a chiuaua. I've never met a mastiff that I didn't get along with.


I've always had large breed dogs. They are much calmer than small breeds and easier to deal with as long a the owners understands each breed and provides what's needed. I've had German Shepherds, Collies, Newfoundlander, even a Mastiff & German Shepard mix. Never had a problem with any of them, until there was a problem with one particular dog.

I did have a problem with the Mastiff & German Shepard mix. As the Newfie male got older Mastiff mix started trying to be dominate. He would go after he Newfie. These were not fun play fights, these were I'm going to harm you fights. This often when down when the Newfie was near me so my legs ere often in the mist of teh attack. The Mastiff mix only broke skin on the Newfie once. But it was clear that as the Newfie got older it was getting serious. I ended up rehoming the Mastiff mix. Moral of the story is that each breed has their characteristics that need to be taken seriously. And each individual dog has their own issues. While most mastiffs might be really cool dogs when treated well and trained, individuals do sometimes of issues.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Slyoun03 said:


> We got the dog as a puppy but neither of us had the knowledge to properly train the dog, and when we had her evaluated by a specialist he’d pretty much told us something was “wrong” with her *(the mother bit her as a puppy and he said that was her way of eliminating the puppy?).* Any who, my husband in my opinion didn’t properly care for her and I was growing aggravated by the day of the destruction she was causing to my home. It was starting to put a huge strain on our relationship when we had ZERO problems before.


Did the specialist know for a fact that the dog's mother had bitten her? Did the breeder tell you this? Or did the specialist come up with this theory?


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## Slyoun03 (Aug 1, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Mastiffs are not an easy breed. They are basically war dogs. They need someone who can can train and handle them
> 
> How much training did your husband do with this dog? He he walk it at least once a day?


 No walking, no training. He took her to a once a week program for an hour at a time at a humane society and he stopped doing that after a few weeks. I went to one session and could see she was not making any improvement.


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## Slyoun03 (Aug 1, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Did the specialist know for a fact that the dog's mother had bitten her? Did the breeder tell you this? Or did the specialist come up with this theory?


The breeder told us when we got her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Slyoun03 said:


> No walking, no training. He took her to a once a week program for an hour at a time at a humane society and he stopped doing that after a few weeks. I went to one session and could see she was not making any improvement.


One of the major purposed of dog training classes is actually to train the human handler. The dog was not making improvement because your husband was not leaning what he needed to do as the dog's handler. 

With dogs, the humans have to establish that they are the alpha of the pack. If that's not done, the dog assume they are the alpha or at least can do as they choose. It can also leave the dog confused and lead to behavior problems. This is especially true with breeds like mastiffs, German Shepherds, etc.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Slyoun03 said:


> The breeder told us when we got her.


How old was the dog when you got her?


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Slyoun03 said:


> I did not witness it. My kids and the dog were down stairs and I went upstairs to grab a basket of laundry to fold. I heard my son scream and I literally jumped down 2 stair cases to see him on the kitchen floor in the fetal position, and my daughter screaming that the dog bit him. My son knows no fear, so to see him like that, I knew something happened. On his face were two scratches, so my husband was saying the dog probably jumped up on him *(at the time my son was 6 weighed 60lbs* and the dog weighed 90lbs) and grazed him or something? I don’t know he just kept arguing that she did it with him, but was just playing.


Was your son tall for his age?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Slyoun03 said:


> Also because you made the statement that I should’ve let him keep this dog because he was being a father to children whom weren’t biologically his, does that mean that if my children were biologically his then the situation could’ve been different? I ask because his brother pretty much said the same thing, yet when him and his wife had a baby he rehomed his large dog that he had for YEARS prior to them getting married because the dog only showed signs of aggression. So are my children less valuable because they aren’t biologically his, and I should feel obliged to put my kids safety at risk?


Nowhere did I say that I place a dog above a child. Nowhere. Nowhere did I say that he should've been able to keep the dog because he is a father to your children who aren't biologically his. What I said was, as much as you have done for him, he has also done for you. It was his choice to take on you and your two children just as much as it was yours to do all you did.

I also said another mastiff would NOT be a good idea, because they are a large breed and have a breed heritage that needs to be understood, and owners need to be prepared to put a LOT of work, time and training into them. All of which is ongoing, not just for 6 weeks and you're done.



StarFires said:


> Pretty incredible response and very apropos to an even more incredibly insane statement of placing a dog over a child's wellbeing, especially being a situation they haven't and never will experience.


Nice try. NOWHERE did I say nor infer any such thing. But have at it.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Is this really about the dog at this point? The more I lurk on the thread, the more it seems to me that this is about holding on to resentment for 4 years, and using that resentment to color the rest of the relationship. He wanted a dog, you didn't. The two of you did not act like proper humans to the animal. An incident occurred with your 6 year old while they were unsupervised. The dog is gone. 

Large breed, small breed. It doesn't matter. This isn't about a breed, or even a dog really. This sounds like it is about resentment and scorekeeping at this point.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

frusdil said:


> Nice try. NOWHERE did I say nor infer any such thing. But have at it.





frusdil said:


> ETA - I'm a second wife who also took on my husbands child, I came into the marriage with my dogs, which I understand is different to your situation. *No way in hades would I give them up, not even for my stepchild* (she loves them and would kill me if I did lol, but my point is that* it would never happen, no matter what*).


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Yup...that totally says the dog is more important...NOT


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## Slyoun03 (Aug 1, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> How old was the dog when you got her?


Around 6-8 weeks. She was a puppy. She had a wound on her head and when I asked about it, husband casually told me (I didn’t go inside with him to get her) she was bitten by the mother and the breeder kept her in a separate pin after that. The breeder was horrible. She was covered in bugs and worms. I’m the one whom got up early the next morning to take her to the vet because he didn’t feel like it and wanted to put it off... and that was before we were married btw.


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## Slyoun03 (Aug 1, 2020)

OnTheFly said:


> Was your son tall for his age?


Yes, both of my children from my previous marriage are tall.


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## Slyoun03 (Aug 1, 2020)

frusdil said:


> Nowhere did I say that I place a dog above a child. Nowhere. Nowhere did I say that he should've been able to keep the dog because he is a father to your children who aren't biologically his. What I said was, as much as you have done for him, he has also done for you. It was his choice to take on you and your two children just as much as it was yours to do all you did.
> 
> I also said another mastiff would NOT be a good idea, because they are a large breed and have a breed heritage that needs to be understood, and owners need to be prepared to put a LOT of work, time and training into them. All of which is ongoing, not just for 6 weeks and you're done.
> 
> ...


I really appreciate your input but I think myself as well as others got that impression when you made the statement that you wouldn’t give up your dogs for your stepchild if it came down to it, which was ultimately what my husband had to do.


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## Slyoun03 (Aug 1, 2020)

DownButNotOut said:


> Is this really about the dog at this point? The more I lurk on the thread, the more it seems to me that this is about holding on to resentment for 4 years, and using that resentment to color the rest of the relationship. He wanted a dog, you didn't. The two of you did not act like proper humans to the animal. An incident occurred with your 6 year old while they were unsupervised. The dog is gone.
> 
> Large breed, small breed. It doesn't matter. This isn't about a breed, or even a dog really. This sounds like it is about resentment and scorekeeping at this point.


It’s about a dog. We’ve had no issues since and I didn’t start feeling this way again until he brought up getting another one.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

The time is now to talk to your husband about all of this. Do you think if you waited, the conversation is going to go better?


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## Slyoun03 (Aug 1, 2020)

lucy999 said:


> The time is now to talk to your husband about all of this. Do you think if you waited, the conversation is going to go better?


I’m not really sure how to bring it up? And I don’t want to cause an argument.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

It's going to be an argument regardless. Might as well tell him your stance on it now so he can't accuse you later of not telling him how you feel.

You said in a previous post he told your older daughter a few days ago that when her younger sister got older he would get another mastiff.

That was just a few days ago. Just start up the conversation by referencing his remark and go from there. I would urge you not to go into it with an angry tone but remain firm on your stance. Bring up to him the examples you told us of how he didn't follow through on the training class with the last dog, and ESPECIALLY how you had to take that poor puppy to the vet because he didn't feel like it and wanted to put if off (that's really gross BTW). AND he should've walked out immediately without the dog once he saw the conditions of the breeder! I mean, WTF??! How much did he pay for that nightmare?

He isn't a good dog owner if he leaves all of the care to you. I think he just wants the status that comes with owning a mastiff. 

You have to have this conversation sooner than later.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

frusdil said:


> Yup...that totally says the dog is more important...NOT


Not to belabor the point, but the thread is about a child being hurt by a dog, and his owner didn't want to give up the dog because the dog was more important to him than the child's wellbeing. Then you state most emphatically because you said it 4 different ways that "No way in hades would I give them up" and "not even for my stepchild" and "it would never happen" and "no matter what." I'm not sure how you don't know what those words mean.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Slyoun03 said:


> I’m not really sure how to bring it up? And I don’t want to cause an argument.


It's going to be an argument, but I don't know the point in YOU bringing it up to argue in advance over something that has not happened, won't happen for some time in the future, and you can't know if it ever will happen. Common advice is not to count your chickens before they hatch. 1) Your current dog may be old but unless s/he is sick, there's no telling when it will pass away. 2) There's also no telling what will occur between now and then (or shortly after) that might prevent him from getting another mastiff as he's planning. Who decides to argue today over something that may happen years from now if it ever does happen at all?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

StarFires said:


> Who decides to argue today over something that may happen years from now if it ever does happen at all?


People who don't want to let problems linger? People who want to be on the same page as their spouse? People who don't want to spend years worrying about something that might never happen and a conversation can solve? People who don't want their kids to get excited about a new dog? People who don't want to have this fight when he's about to get the dog and he's wondering why she waited so long to bring it up? People who don't want to be having this conversation after he's paid a non-refundable deposit for a pup or walks through the door with one? 

If there is an issue in the marriage you talk about it. You don't bury your head in the sand and hope it goes away.


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## Slyoun03 (Aug 1, 2020)

lucy999 said:


> It's going to be an argument regardless. Might as well tell him your stance on it now so he can't accuse you later of not telling him how you feel.
> 
> You said in a previous post he told your older daughter a few days ago that when her younger sister got older he would get another mastiff.
> 
> ...


I feel exactly what you just said. “He just wants the status of owning that type of dog, not the responsibility.” He only paid 500 for her, that was a red flag. It was literally a run down trailer. I didn’t want to go inside because it looked disgusting and my gut sank when he sat her in my lap, but he was so excited and I didn’t want to ruin that moment for him. Even with the small dog we have now I take care of the grown up duties etc (vet, grooming) while he just makes sure he gets outside and has food etc. He’s a low maintenance dog, which is more suitable for our family, and he doesn’t do well on walks so he gets to run around outside whenever he wants. The only complaint I have about our current dog is he sheds a lot. But I know if he were more maintenance my husband wouldn’t be the one taking care of him, it would all fall on me.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

S


bobert said:


> People who don't want to let problems linger? People who want to be on the same page as their spouse? People who don't want to spend years worrying about something that might never happen and a conversation can solve? People who don't want their kids to get excited about a new dog? People who don't want to have this fight when he's about to get the dog and he's wondering why she waited so long to bring it up? People who don't want to be having this conversation after he's paid a non-refundable deposit for a pup or walks through the door with one?
> 
> If there is an issue in the marriage you talk about it. You don't bury your head in the sand and hope it goes away.


Stop arguing.

Oh wait, I'm the only who can get falsely accused of that.
You can do whatever you want apparently and it's somehow magically not the same that you accused me of doing. Awfully funny that you do what you claim I cannot do. So many pots and kettles and hypocrites around this place.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

OP - I'm sorry you've had so much trouble with people questioning your position on this dog. It is obvious your husband didn't properly train or care for the dog. Mastiff are very large dogs and while most are lazy and easy going it only takes one 'bad' moment for you to have a severely injured or dead child. This dog made a decision that injured and scared your child. The dog may or may not be a problem but you have every right to not want that dog in your house.

I love dogs but when my child was young and we wanted to get a dog we considered breeds. I love Dobermans but ruled that out at the time due to sometimes there unexplained problems with babies. I'd suggest you spend sometime researching dogs. I like larger breeds. Some people love all dogs and I certainly don't dislike any dog but I find my temperament goes better with large dogs. Your husband maybe in a similar boat. However, not all breeds of large dogs are the same. I can highly recommend collie breeds and crosses. They are loyal, protective and very rarely have any trouble with attacking children or people that aren't posing a threat.

The trouble might be that your husband wants one of the fighting breeds for whatever reason. Like ego, my big bad dog or something like that. With children and without extensive training I"d avoid mastiff, doberman, rottweiler, pitbull, husky, and even german shepards. These are all great dogs with training but not necessarily suitable for low training and children. On the other hand there are several breeds which are more herding dogs with protective natures like collies, pyrenese, australian shepards those are great with kids and larger.

Dogs also have certain exercise and socialization requirements. If you can't provide exercise and outside time then you must stick to smaller dogs.

I see issues within your marriage other than just dogs. You are harboring resentment for which I don't blame you one bit. And he doesn't see an issue with getting another Mastiff. While maybe he was just talking with your daughter and didn't really mean it. I mean when I was a kid my uncle used to tell me he was going to travel to the moon, I'm pretty sure he was just wishing and wasn't serious. You two need to have a conversation about boundaries in general. How do you make decisions? You have to figure out a way to let go of the resentment, perhaps after a conversation with your husband about how it makes you feel. He needs to know that to you this seems to show a disregard for you and your children which now include a child or his. How did this mutual child come about? Did you both really want a child after the separation or did one of you desire a child. I think after that kind of break being cautious about bringing a child into an unsteady relationship would have been wise.

Before or at the time it is time for another dog you two need to be able to agree.

Bottom line you two need to talk openly and work on how your resolve issues. Second it is insensitive of him to simply say he is getting another Mastiff since it cause separation before but he may think it was just that dog and not that breed. Talk with him pick a safer breed. Work on training including you and the children.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

StarFires said:


> Stop arguing.
> 
> Oh wait, I'm the only who can get falsely accused of that. You can do whatever you want apparently and it's somehow magically not the same that you accused me of doing. Awfully funny that you do what you claim I cannot do. So many pots and kettles and hypocrites around this place.


There is a difference, you just don't want to see that. 

In the comment you're referring to you were telling me what MY intentions were. Are you inside my head? Nope. So how can you possibly know what MY intentions were? You were also telling me what the OP was thinking and feeling, without her having said that or clarified it. Are you inside HER head too? Nope. So stop assuming you know how everyone thinks, that you know everyone's intentions, and that you are always right. 

All I did in the recent post was say my _opinion_ for the OP to read and decide for herself how SHE feels. I wasn't assuming anything or saying "NO!! THIS is how she feels!!!".


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> Second it is insensitive of him to simply say he is getting another Mastiff since it cause separation before but he may think it was just that dog and not that breed.


Hey Slyoun, Anastasia6 just made me think about something. You wanting him to get rid of the dog before resulted in the two of you separating. There's no way he doesn't remember that. No way he is not aware that you don't want that breed of dog. Do you think it's possible he's thinking about separating? And maybe that was his way of telling you?


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## Slyoun03 (Aug 1, 2020)

Now that you mention the mutual child we have together... when we were dating I made it known to him that I wanted more children once I re married. The topic came up pretty casually and naturally like in most relationships and he was always on board. About 7 months into our marriage is when the biting incident occurred and I demanded the dog be rehomed (this was after giving him multiple chances to fix the situation). We separated for a week. A baby was far from my mind at that point. About a year later we had a pregnancy scare, which sparked my desire again. That became an argument bc he’d basically told me “he changed his mind” which to me was unfair? I let him know all through out our courtship that I wanted more children if I remarried and even ended a relationship prior to us meeting because that person made it known he didn’t want children. So when I confronted him and asked if he’d “changed his mind” because he had to rehome the dog his response was “yes.” I seriously contemplated divorce at this point because it just hardened the blow that this man valued me just as much as a dog. My husband has no children, so he wanted to give up that experience with me over a dog? Eventually he agreed and once we actually found out I was pregnant he was really excited, took really good care of me etc. he’s a great father, even goes back and forth on if he wants to try for another one (he’s in school right now finishing his Master’s degree but I have no doubt if he wasn’t I’d be pregnant right now). So all of the “problems” we’ve had in our relationship (we’ve been together almost 7 years) has stemmed around the dog situation. We were together 2 years before we got that dog and had NEVER had an argument. He even comments that I changed how sweet/emotional/loving I use to be to him after that situation and I even admit it him that my feeling for him did change. But I still love him, and it makes me sad wondering how different things in our relationship would be now if the dog hadn’t come between us. Don’t get me wrong, my husband has his flaws and as do I. He is very loving and caring. He wants to be right under me at all times. I can’t even leave the house by myself without him calling multiple times to see when I’ll be back home simply because he wants to be in my presence. We literally spend all of our free time together and with our children. It’s just this one thing that honestly til this day hurts me. And he’s said he “sorry” but I know deep down he still doesn’t see the “wrong” in the situation you know? Like he does not really get how it affected me otherwise he would never want to own that type of dog again and would be more diligent about picking a breed that would better suit our family. Regardless a mastiff or any complex breed will never again live in my home, and he wouldn’t be bold enough to just bring one home without my approval. I just need to find the right time to make sure he knows that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Slyoun03 said:


> Around 6-8 weeks. She was a puppy. She had a wound on her head and when I asked about it, husband casually told me (I didn’t go inside with him to get her) she was bitten by the mother and the breeder kept her in a separate pin after that. The breeder was horrible. She was covered in bugs and worms. I’m the one whom got up early the next morning to take her to the vet because he didn’t feel like it and wanted to put it off... and that was before we were married btw.


Dogs do sometimes kill some, if not all, of their puppies. From what you describe, I can only imagine the horrible conditions the mother dog was living with.

Puppies who are separated from their mother and siblings generally have socialization problems because they don't learn the things that young puppies need to learn. I have an Australian Shepherd puppy who was 5/6 weeks old when I got him. He did not learn that using his mouth is not acceptable. Between the ages of 6 & 8 weeks a puppy usually learns from it's litter mates that if you bit hard no one wants to play with you. We've had to work hard with him to teach him not to be hard with his mouth. At 4 months he's finally learned to be soft mouth and hardly ever use his teeth. I even think that 8 weeks is too young to separate a puppy from it's mother and litter.

It sounds like your husband has no business having a dog, especially not one that needs as much oversight and a mastiff.


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## Slyoun03 (Aug 1, 2020)

StarFires said:


> Hey Slyoun, Anastasia6 just made me think about something. You wanting him to get rid of the dog before resulted in the two of you separating. There's no way he doesn't remember that. No way he is not aware that you don't want that breed of dog. Do you think it's possible he's thinking about separating? And maybe that was his way of telling you?


No.. I guess I’ve painted a bad picture of my husband. If we were ever to break up I’ll be honest it would be me to end things. For lack of better words my husband is obsessed with me. He wants to be right by my side at all times. If he knows/thinks I’m upset with him he is in my face until he feels I’m happy again. When we separated I made the decision to have my children be in a safe home and told him to leave with the dog because he was suppose to be rehoming her and like 3 homes fell through and honestly I felt he was sabotaging it. Once we separated and he saw I was serious he was able to find her a new home... and those owners rehomed her a few months later as well.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Do you think a few (or more) sessions of marriage counseling could help you two sort this out?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Slyoun03 said:


> No.. I guess I’ve painted a bad picture of my husband. If we were ever to break up I’ll be honest it would be me to end things. For lack of better words my husband is obsessed with me. He wants to be right by my side at all times. If he knows/thinks I’m upset with him he is in my face until he feels I’m happy again. When we separated I made the decision to have my children be in a safe home and told him to leave with the dog because he was suppose to be rehoming her and like 3 homes fell through and honestly I felt he was sabotaging it. Once we separated and he saw I was serious he was able to find her a new home... and those owners rehomed her a few months later as well.


I feel bad for the poor dog. Talk about getting a rotten deal in life!

Has your husband ever had a dog before the mastiff puppy? If so what breeds?

I believe that in a marriage, if each spouse makes the other's needs their priority, the marriage will thrive and be vey good for both of them. Your main issue is that you want your children to be safe... who could argue with that? Your secondary issue is that you don't want to have more responsibilities dumped on you for a dog that basically belongs to your husband. Your husband's needs seem to be to have a big dog with a reputation for being bad ass. So how can you both give meet each other's needs on this topic?

One thing you might consider to deescalate all this is to give him an option so that eventually he could have the mastiff he wants. This would put it all back on him. It's not you telling him that he cannot have the dog. It's you telling him what you need from him so that you would agree for him to have the dog. From what you have said, I don't see your husband doing all the things I suggest below. But then it's on him if he does not get the dog... it's on him that he is being irresponsible. Put it back on him.

What would it take for you to accept a mastiff or some other similar breed? Is it even possible? Would you be more willing to accept him having the dog he wants if:

1) He agrees that you have to be in the loop with choosing when to get the dog and which dog he gets.​​2) He agrees that he cannot get a dog until he has completed his master's degree and is settled into a job. This way he will have the time to take care of and train the dog.​​3) He agrees to only get the dog from an ethical breeder. He, not you, has to research breeders and then offer you the chance to pick/veto any of the ones he's found. You are not looking for a show dog, but you will want a mastiff that has been treated well from birth and that comes from a line with a good temperament. *This site has info for how to find an ethical mastiff breeder.*​​3) He agrees to set up a vet appointment for the day or next day before he picks up the dog and he has to take the dog, not you.​​4) He researches behavior of the specific breed, pros and cons. Your husband needs to understand dog behavior. He also teaches your children about dog behaviors. Here's an interesting article I found about Mastiffs (and dogs in general) and children. *Mastiffs And Kids*​​5) He agrees that he will do 100% of the care for the dog. This includes all training, vet appointments, bathing/grooming, poop cleanup, feeding, walking daily, etc. He can get the children to help but in the end it's his responsibility. One thing that comes to mind is that you said that your husband did not walk the dog regularly... once or twice a day. He has to realize that Mastiffs need a lot of exercise. A tired Mastiff is a happy mastiff. This is so important.​​6) He agrees to have training setup in advance to start no earlier than when the dog is 4 months old. And he agrees to follow though on all the training. This is not just leash training, but other training that is breed specific that deals with issues like potential aggression; your husband leaning to be the pack alpha, etc. There is tons of info online about training Mastiffs. This includes issues that are breed specific and how to deal with them. He would need to research the common problems with mastiffs who to train on and set up a life style for the dog that prevents the bad behaviors.​​7) He agrees that if he gets the dog and does not follow through with doing 100% care of the dog, proper training of the dog (and himself), walking the dog, etc. that the dog will go to a breed specific rescue. It sounds like the two of you did the rehoming of the mastiff you had and it did not end well. Leave the rehoming up to people who work with the breed and understand it. *Relinquishing Your Mastiff *​


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## Slyoun03 (Aug 1, 2020)

lucy999 said:


> Do you think a few (or more) sessions of marriage counseling could help you two sort this out?


We stopped going bc the counselor basically told him to get rid of the dog. I think if I bring up marriage counseling he’ll start to worry and he’s in school right now so I don’t want to cause him any extra stress.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

How old are the two of you? I can appreciate you don't want to stress him out while he's in school. How much longer does he have school? Guess what? Life is stressful. This is stressful for you _and_ your marriage. That trumps his school work. And if he can't figure out how to deal with life's stressors, there are way bigger issues.

I'm not saying this to be mean-spirited. Truly I'm not. But your husband doesn't sound mature at all. That he stopped going to the counselor because he was pretty much told to rehome the dog says alot. He sounds selfish.

From what (admittedly little) you've told us, you've done the lion's share of work in this marriage--you do alot for him.

So what's your plan going forward?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This is to members who are arguing over what one or the other posted. STOP IT, please. It's fine for people to have different opinions. No one wants to read your going at each other. 

Please reply to @*Slyoun03,* addressing her issues directly.

{Speaking as a moderator/admin}


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## Slyoun03 (Aug 1, 2020)

lucy999 said:


> How old are the two of you? I can appreciate you don't want to stress him out while he's in school. How much longer does he have school? Guess what? Life is stressful. This is stressful for you _and_ your marriage. That trumps his school work. And if he can't figure out how to deal with life's stressors, there are way bigger issues.
> 
> I'm not saying this to be mean-spirited. Truly I'm not. But your husband doesn't sound mature at all. That he stopped going to the counselor because he was pretty much told to rehome the dog says alot. He sounds selfish.
> 
> ...


We are both in our early thirties. He’s working on a pretty big assignment right now. I’m going to wait until he’s turned that in, then bring it up and try my best to keep level headed and let him know this type of dog (and any complex animal for that matter) will not be allowed as I know him, and he is not going to change his ways when it comes to being attentive to that type of breed. And honestly we won’t even have a big enough yard to accommodate a larger breed so that would not be fair to the animal either. When I tell him he’s hurt my feelings or has made me upset he takes it seriously and is immediately remorseful.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> I feel bad for the poor dog. Talk about getting a rotten deal in life!
> 
> Has your husband ever had a dog before the mastiff puppy? If so what breeds?
> 
> ...


Dude is in his early 30s. If it ain’t happened by now, it ain’t gonna happen at all. Just say no to the big dog. You don’t need something else to take care of.

No offense to you Ele. It was a very thoughtful post. Handing out rules like this has her coming across as a mother, not a wife. That changes the whole dynamic of a marriage.

OP...you said you took care of things earlier in the marriage and bent everything you had towards him. It seems to me that you are still doing this. When is that ever going to end?

You are on the path of losing who YOU are and you will regret it. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Also wanted to add that my son and grand dog are over for the night waiting for the hurricane to pass. I love my grand dog and sit her often. She is a mastiff/lab mix...perhaps some pitt in there somewhere. She is goofy as hell so she’s probably more lab than anything but there is no way in hell I would want her around full time and my schnauzers are very happy to see her go home. She’s just too damned big. As goofy as she is, I can see where things could go wrong in a heartbeat and As much of a dog lover as I am, I would never place a dog over a child....mine or anyone’s.

That said, she evidently came from a good home (shelter dog) and has been around my granddaughters since they were babies with no issues. HOWEVER, my son is firm with her and has trained her along the way (probably not as much as I would like but it is on-going and I help when she is with me).

IMO, this man has no place being an owner of any dog and his track record has proven so.

I reiterate...just say no.












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## RitaW (10 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Having a person in the house who doesn't like dogs will cause problems the dog wouldn't otherwise have.
> 
> The kids have no doubt picked up on your feelings toward the dog and dogs are very sensitive to all that. It is said that dogs bite fear.
> 
> ...


Most dogs are the kindest...on earth. My dog however is not. He has bitten me 2 times as a result I have had a total of 48 stitches. The last time I just petted him and he attacked. We rescued him but was not told. he was agressive. He has no medical problems. I took him to a rehab expert (she had a degree in psychology and has worked with animals for over 15 years) She told me this dog had true agression and sadly needed to be put down. I agree with her but my husband does not and this dog is still in my house. What is strange is that he loves me the most. When he is "normal" it is me he wants to be with and he is so loving. So strange. I was told there is something wrong mentally with him and there definitely is. I want him put down and my husband won't. I told him if he bites me again it will be me or the dog. We've been married for 30 years. I imagine him getting out of the house and if he saw a kid he would tear him or her apart (he hates kids) if he saw an adult he would probably bite them. He is truly a dangerous dog. I know this post is old but just wanted to reply.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Zombie Cat is very sad that he must close a Zombie thread about dogs, but close it down he must!

Yeah, sure!


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