# Need Some Advice



## jda79 (Apr 8, 2017)

Quick Background:
I caught my wife cheating a little over 4 years ago with a neighbor. They had a 6 month relationship right under my nose. I worked at the office, my wife was a stay at home mom, and her AP worked from home. So they were always doing stuff while I was at work and kids were at school. Things seemed fishy to me so I broke into her phone for the first time ever and saw their texts on Facebook Messenger. I busted them both, also telling the OM's wife. My wife and I decided to reconcile as we have 3 kids. Needless to say, it has been a tough 4 years for me. I monitor practically everything my wife has done since. Trust is gradually being rebuilt.

Fast forward to today:
We have now been married 18 years.
The OM has since moved about 20 minutes away in November 2020. I couldn't find his new address so I used BeenVerified.com to get his information. By doing so, I was able to see that he and his wife are living in separate houses.

My wife suffers from major anxiety and some minor depression. I have also wondered if she might be slightly bipolar since she seems to have a lot of highs and lows. She takes meds for the anxiety. Some of the issues stem from an abusive father. She tends to yell a lot and gets mad easily. She told me last week that she seems to stay mad all of the time and may get counseling. I asked her is she has communicated to the OM recently or still thinks about him, she said no. 

Over the past month, I have been getting those weird vibes again. She will gaslight me (for example, I apparently did something to piss her off a couple of weeks ago, and she just completely ignored me). She has been showing more of an
indifferent attitude towards me for about a month now. She has a job now that requires her to be in the office and I now work from home. She leaves early and I get up to get the kids ready for school. She typically leaves the house soon after I get up to help the kids. When she leaves, she rushes out without "goodbyes" or "love you". When she gets home, it is more of the same.

So my radar is going crazy. I did a deep search of all of her texts and found out she setup her own Amazon account. We already have an account for the family. She used her usual password so I was able to login and see if she was trying to buy a burner phone or something. There were no purchases or evidence of anything. I opened up her profile and saw she had used a new secret hotmail email address. I tried my best to guess her password with no luck. I go to reset her password, it will send a code to her work address (she has been at this job for almost a year and a half). It will also lock out my computer from trying to login again after so many failed attempts, until there is another successful login. When that message goes away, I know she had logged into it. So now I am freaking out but not letting her know I am. I have found a way to reset her password because she also has her work email on her phone.

To be clear, I do not think she is actively seeing this guy, but she might still be talking to him through email. Of course, I have been wrong before.

So I have two ways I can approach this.
1. I can confront her about it and demand that she opens the account to let me look through it. She could say no and I could miss out getting any damning information (if there is any) needed for court.
2. I can reset her password and go through it myself late at night. She will know the password was reset the next day.

Thoughts?


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

She is obviously intentionally deceiving you again, how long are you going continue down this path? You should just be done...

That said, if you really want evidence....

Since you have time on your side, bust her ass, stay quiet and get concrete evidence. Maybe it will be the kick in the pants you need to deal with her.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Payout could purchase a gps tracker and install it on her car...you can also place VARs in her car. But here is the bigger quest to what end...what will you this time if you uncover deceit?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

jda79 said:


> Quick Background:
> I caught my wife cheating a little over 4 years ago with a neighbor. They had a 6 month relationship right under my nose. I worked at the office, my wife was a stay at home mom, and her AP worked from home. So they were always doing stuff while I was at work and kids were at school. Things seemed fishy to me so I broke into her phone for the first time ever and saw their texts on Facebook Messenger. I busted them both, also telling the OM's wife. My wife and I decided to reconcile as we have 3 kids. Needless to say, it has been a tough 4 years for me. I monitor practically everything my wife has done since. Trust is gradually being rebuilt.
> 
> Fast forward to today:
> ...


What makes you think it’s the same guy?

I say find a different route to collect data. VAR was a good idea. I think there is a way to get information off your home router as to who is doing what on the WiFi so you can see websites, possibly even texts? Look up wifi monitoring software or routers. And there is also the PI route. Between those you should be able to flush out some good information.

Also, your example was the silent treatment, gaslighting is when someone tries to make you feel like you are crazy. Example- “Are you ****ing Fabio again?” Her answer- “You are so paranoid, I think you are just insecure about your hair being thinner than his. Probably your moms fault for breast feeding you for 13 months.” If that sounds familiar, then yes she is gaslighting you.

And yes you should also start figuring out if this is how you want to live? Sounds terrible. Sorry you are here. 🙁


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Reset her password and see for yourself. Always trust your gut. A secret Amazon account and email are already inappropriate behavior, huge red flags and completely unacceptable with her history. You need to go full detective mode and dig, do not tip your hand yet.

She cheated on you last time because she didn’t respect you and probably lost attraction for you.
What have you done over the last four years to improve yourself and be the strong leader in your marriage?


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## jda79 (Apr 8, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Payout could purchase a gps tracker and install it on her car...you can also place VARs in her car. But here is the bigger quest to what end...what will you this time if you uncover deceit?


I will be leaving. I will not be cheated on twice.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

jda79 said:


> I will be leaving. I will not be cheated on twice.


Listen...you know in your heart she is cheating again. Burner phones, new email accounts. I’m sorry.


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## jda79 (Apr 8, 2017)

I have a VAR and tracker. I will start using them again.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

What a horrible way to live.


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## Jeffsmith35 (Apr 8, 2021)

jda79 said:


> Quick Background:
> I caught my wife cheating a little over 4 years ago with a neighbor. They had a 6 month relationship right under my nose. I worked at the office, my wife was a stay at home mom, and her AP worked from home. So they were always doing stuff while I was at work and kids were at school. Things seemed fishy to me so I broke into her phone for the first time ever and saw their texts on Facebook Messenger. I busted them both, also telling the OM's wife. My wife and I decided to reconcile as we have 3 kids. Needless to say, it has been a tough 4 years for me. I monitor practically everything my wife has done since. Trust is gradually being rebuilt.
> 
> Fast forward to today:
> ...


Act normal for a while. Do not try to log in. After a week or so, log in late at night to see what's there. Then change the password back to what it was before. 
However, she already knows someone tried to break into it, so she has likely scrubbed it of any incriminating information. Hence the waiting period to accumulate more incriminating stuff.

Really, there should be no problem with a surprise audit, #1 above. Demand access immediately otherwise you will immediately file for divorce. No delays to allow her to delete evidence.

But given past history, #2 is safer. Be ready to forward all evidence to a safe account, then delete the forwards from sent and trash folders. And be ready to do this while in a state of shock and sadness, because anything worth forwarding will be evidence to be used in a future Divorce filing.

While you have her phone, search for Kik, Skype, Snapchat, and other apps - they may be hidden. Look for duplicate calculators or notepad apps (more than one means one is a hiding app to store secrets). Maybe even a secret Facebook account, Instagram account, pinterest account (all have messaging functions). And don't forget to delete all of the notifications from her work phone after you finish forwarding.

Ugh, I am sorry you are in this dark place.


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## Jeffsmith35 (Apr 8, 2021)

Geez, I just read your original post when she cheated before with the older neighbor. At this point, if you find a single piece of evidence, no matter how seemingly insignificant, I would strongly advise Divorce. She's likely a serial cheater.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

If you can't get into the secret email by doing the reset with her phone, just tell she logs in with you right at that moment or you divorce.

Any deceitful behavior after what she did should just cause you to exit stage left though....


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your gut is screaming because this is wayward behavior from a former wayward. Repeats happen all the time.

Get rid of your martyr complex. Never use the kids as an excuse to stay. Look what that’s gotten you. 4 years of hell and being a marriage warden.

Sounds like you’re gonna get round 2.


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