# Keeping gifts from past relationships



## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

I'm trying my best not to be too biased and to respect my partner's ego and need to feel respected but I can't help but feel a little wronged here...

I was gifted a painting of myself by my last partner. The painting was a combination of a pic taken of me in the past, done in hues of yellows and reds to pay homage to a random painting that I had fallen in love with years before. I consider this gift one of my prized possessions not because of who it came from but for the primary reason that it's an excellent piece of art. I love the emotion that the artist was able to capture in my face and I see it as my own personalized version of that other painting I never could afford to buy.

The problem is that I'm about to move in with my new partner and he absolutely does not want it in the house. We didn't argue about it because I was too shocked at his response to bother responding with anything but complete silence in the moment. I guess I never really considered that it would be an issue.

I'm having a hard time being empathetic because I can't imagine that I would respond this way with a similar gift from his ex. One of his exes has her own clothing brand and he recently got me a swimsuit that he picked out with her help and he has another ex that he consults when we have issues to get a female perspective. I have zero issues with those situations however I'm starting to wonder if I'm being too cool because I'm almost certain he would not feel ok with it if the tables were turned. That's not to say that the situations are similar but more to illustrate that I make an effort to not be unreasonable and demand that he keep away from his exes. I think this situation demonstrates that these efforts are not reciprocated 

Guys, please help me understand why he finds this so offensive and what is the best way to respond to this...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Either he just hates the painting or he feels threatened by your ex.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

No one could hate that painting, it's beautiful.

Threatened? Wtf. I left the dude for him. Smh


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Regardless of it's artist value, it is a strong reminder of your ex, the bond you had with him, and the fact that he did something so awesome for you. Calling him "the artist" doesn't change that.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Beware double standards in relationships. It is always a red flag if someone expects you to behave a certain way that they will not behave themselves.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

Run away...


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Keke24 said:


> No one could hate that painting, it's beautiful.


beautiful to you but obviously not to him.



> Threatened? Wtf. I left the dude for him. Smh


As if people have never gone back to their exes.


OP, maybe he sees it as something that will remind you of how thoughtful your ex was which in turn could cause undesirable reminiscences. I understand you like the painting and all but just trying to show you how he may feel.

That being said he is hypocritical. If he still keeps in contact with his ex (Bad Idea!) then surely a painting shouldn't be a problem.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

So, he can still be in touch with exes, but you can't have a painting of yourself given to you by an ex in the house. lol I'd think twice before moving in with this guy. 

To me, this is a sign of things to come. There will be endless double standards with a guy like this.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

BioFury said:


> Regardless of it's artist value, it is a strong reminder of your ex, the bond you had with him, and the fact that he did something so awesome for you. Calling him "the artist" doesn't change that.


I don't think the ex was the artist.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Keke24 said:


> No one could hate that painting, it's beautiful.
> 
> Threatened? Wtf. I left the dude for him. Smh


Oh. So you cheated on your ex? :surprise:

In that case your new love, when he sees the picture, is probably thinking...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You will be moving into his house. How much is he going to let you change 'his house'?

I think you need to re-consider the relationship. He has ongoing relationships with his ex's. And he will not allow you the painting? 

It's not a good sign.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Keke24 said:


> One of his exes has her own clothing brand and he recently got me a swimsuit that he picked out with her help and *he has another ex that he consults when we have issues to get a female perspective.*


Ow no no no!!! That's gotta stop now...


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

My ex was not the artist.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Yeah, I wouldn't stay with a guy with ex double standards.

Rethink this relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mithan (Sep 2, 2016)

Keke24 said:


> No one could hate that painting, it's beautiful.
> 
> Threatened? Wtf. I left the dude for him. Smh


It is a guy thing, don't take offense to it. I would put it away (not throw it out) and move on.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Mithan said:


> Keke24 said:
> 
> 
> > No one could hate that painting, it's beautiful.
> ...


Don't take offense to it...but she is also supposed to accept his ongoing relationships with his exes? 

Double standard. Thumbs down.


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

This may not be helpful.

I had a drawing of me & my late wife while we were dating; hanging on my wall (I did the drawing). The 1st gal I dated after my wife died in 2002 ask me to take it down. I said no & she left me a week later. There was more going then this one thing but in the end I feel she did not want to compete with a ghost. It took some time but I came to believe that neither of us were right or wrong. That drawing is up in my home office now and I’ve been remarried for 10 years.

Maybe that painting represents something that he cannot compete with.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

...


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

It's probably his personality type. In my marriage neither of us would take issue with that. But since he does, try to understand and respect his feelings. No need to throw it away, just don't hang it in his house, and keep if for yourself or a time when he feels more secure about your relationship.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Spicy said:


> It's probably his personality type. In my marriage neither of us would take issue with that. But since he does, try to understand and respect his feelings. No need to throw it away,* just don't hang it in his house, and keep if for yourself or a time when he feels more secure about your relationship*.


If he's_ that _insecure then he probably shouldn't be in a relationship in the first place. 

And if he has obvious double standards, then he _definitely _shouldn't be in a relationship. 

I agree with the others who are telling you to leave _now_.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Run away, make demand son him not seeing his exes and definitely give back the bathing suit. 

If you want to stay in this kind of relationship, do you have an office to hang the painting in?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

People who are secure in themselves don't tell you what to do. They don't tell you what paintings you can have or who you can talk to. They let you make your own decisions. They trust your judgment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

OP, you should tell him the things written in this thread. That he is duplicitous. See how he reacts. Maybe he'll see sense. Do that before you follow the "leave him now" voices here.

On a side note: @MattMatt is a mod!!! Good on you, brother.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Thank you for all the suggestions and insight.

I've been with my partner for 5 years now and I'm very content with our relationship outside of this issue. Hence leaving now is not a viable option. 

Someone mentioned this might be his personality and yes, that does play a valid role. He's Jamaican, and to anyone who's familiar with Jamaican men that will explain everything. They have the strongest egos I've come across in men. 

However thank you for confirming that yes while his response may come from some valid internal feelings of discomfort, he's being hypocritical. I will follow the suggestions to share what was mentioned in this thread to see his response. 

If the painting can't be in his house it will simply stay where it has been - wrapped up and boxed in my exes office. This really is the last thing tying us together and prompting conversations initiated by him wondering what I'd like him to do with the artwork.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Offer to put the painting in storage, IF he immediately and permanently cuts off all contact with his exes. Don't move in with him until you are sure he has. I would still be wary if he relents and agrees to you having and displaying the painting - he will find a way to punish you for it, I suspect. It may just be best to dump him and his double standards.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Keke24 said:


> Thank you for all the suggestions and insight.
> 
> I've been with my partner for 5 years now and I'm very content with our relationship outside of this issue. Hence leaving now is not a viable option.
> 
> ...


Could be an insecurity or competition thing...who knows really....other than your partner. 

You should retrieve the painting and store it elsewhere...that should end the communication that is probably an issue for him....HOWEVER...him talking to other women about your relationship really needs to stop. That is very disrespectful. 

We would really need to see the painting in order to speculate with any form of accuracy...further. Unless it's inappropriate in some way...put it up here. 

My inlaws have a picture in their house of my wife kissing a little boy...he was crying and looks like he is pushing her away....major funny stuff (She was like 4 or 5 when it was taken)...my FIL calls it a capture of the moment it all started. This picture has never bothered me in the slightest. My wife has ancient photo albums from her ENTIRE life buried away in the storage room...There are pictures of her with old boyfriends...HS and younger...I find them endlessly hilarious and great for jokes...I can't see being threatened by a picture or pictures....

Maybe just ask him what..exactly...is bothering him about your prized possession..


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Personalized painting









Compared to one I adored.

Nothing threatening here in the least bit.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

That is a very nice piece of art. I would not agree to give it up.

It's symbolic to him... probably of whipping out your past. Not a good sign.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Keke24 said:


> The problem is that I'm about to move in with my new partner and he absolutely does not want it in the house. We didn't argue about it because I was too shocked at his response to bother responding with anything but complete silence in the moment. I guess I never really considered that it would be an issue.
> *
> I'm having a hard time being empathetic because I can't imagine that I would respond this way with a similar gift from his ex. One of his exes has her own clothing brand and he recently got me a swimsuit that he picked out with her help and he has another ex that he consults when we have issues to get a female perspective. I have zero issues with those situations however I'm starting to wonder if I'm being too cool because I'm almost certain he would not feel ok with it if the tables were turned. That's not to say that the situations are similar but more to illustrate that I make an effort to not be unreasonable and demand that he keep away from his exes. I think this situation demonstrates that these efforts are not reciprocated *
> 
> Guys, please help me understand why he finds this so offensive and what is the best way to respond to this...


Yes, you are being ENTIRELY "too cool" about his exes. Exes have no place in a committed relationship, period. (except when children are involved) Trust me, this WILL come to bite you in the ass eventually. If not the exes, then other women who come along and become his friends and confidants. 

His issue with the painting is the least of your issues.


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## Richle (Sep 1, 2016)

I might to be stupid or too much read psychology articles but it seems to be better discuss with your boyfriend why this paint makes him jealous or what else… But sure it is not a reason for break up. And after truthful talk maybe you will understand his feelings.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Sounds like the two of your aren't compatible. You are having this over a painting I suspect more things are yet to come.

If it really is just about who made and gave the painting did you consider having the painting redone to keep it in the house. Seems the new boyfriend could pay for that as a compromise.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Well this one is not simple.

In general, the purpose of a gift is completed upon the giving of it. That is, the giving of the gift is the meaningful part. As such, any meaningful gift from an ex should no longer have importance into future relationships because we should leave our exes in the past.. If there is no emotional attachment, but if the gift is a functional item, there should be no problem selling it and replacing it with something different which has no attachment to the ex.

Not that we have to get rid of everything given us by an ex, but generally these things should be put away out of sight. Especially if our new SO doesn't like having the reminders around, we should have no problem either putting it away or getting rid of it.

In this particular case the OP has a strong attachment to the gift not because of who gave it but because of the beauty of it. I can see how the new SO would have issues if he thinks it is a constant reminder of her ex, but it is a unique item which the OP has reason to value completely aside from who gave it to her. Either he or she is going to have to compromise.

I'm in agreement with the overall consensus that OP's bf is engaging in inappropriate contact with his exes. That by itself needs to be corrected. There is indeed a double standard which also needs to be discussed and corrected.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Oh. So you cheated on your ex? :surprise:
> 
> In that case your new love, when he sees the picture, is probably thinking...


Good catch, MattMatt. I didn't even put that together. OP, is that what happened? That could explain it. He fears justice.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

After a surprisingly brief conversation, the dilemma with the painting is resolved. I will keep it and it will be displayed wherever it fits best. Honestly, there was no discussion beyond me initiating the conversion and him joking that he'll need to get his own self-portrait so mine doesn't feel lonely. I think he must have been thinking about the previous convo and reconsidering his response or who knows wth went on while I was busy on here trying to figure him out.

The subject of his relationship with exes has yet to be breached. That I'll save for some quiet time together. I never felt it was an issue because he's always gotten good advice and they dated way back in high school. But I trust the consensus here and will heed your warnings.

I don't think it can accurately be termed cheating. My ex and I had an open relationship. Both parties knew about the other and had a chance to meet. Things with the ex started to go downhill quickly when I left town for schooling. While things with current partner weren't perfect because we had a sheltered relationship, I felt relationship with ex was beyond saving and decided to leave and work on things with other guy. Turned out to be a good decision. Ex is happy with his new gf and we say hello every now and then, and my connection with current partner is definitely the deepest, most heartwarming I've had.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

EunuchMonk said:


> As if people have never gone back to their exes.


*I wouldn't even consider going back to my RSXW if I were provided with a star-studded invitation, drinking a gallon jug of JD Black Label, and then eating a 10 lb. bag of raw cocaine!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *I wouldn't even consider going back to my RSXW if I were provided with a star-studded invitation, drinking a gallon of JD Black Label, and then eating a 10 lb. bag of raw cocaine!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Send her my way. Kinda broke at the moment.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

Wow, nice painting. I wouldn't part with it. 

I don't know you and understand it's importance to you. In my opinion he should be trying to understand why it means so much to you and explaining why he is troubled. Isn't that communication and growth?

Rhetorically, how much are are you willing to compromise...and why? 

I sincerely hope you both work it out. I also hope you give updates.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

*deidre* said:


> so, he can still be in touch with exes, but you can't have a painting of yourself given to you by an ex in the house. Lol i'd think twice before moving in with this guy.
> 
> To me, this is a sign of things to come. There will be endless double standards with a guy like this.


this


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