# Best advice I can give...



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Just file the day you find out. I'm three years out and I feel no better. All that has happened is he lost his job, everybody knows (complete total humiliation) and people don't understand why I haven't gotten over it yet. Nobody understands your anxiety, nobody. It makes for a very lonely life. The WS continue to lie about what happened, you'll never know the full truth. I thought I was in a bad position before to divorce? Now I realize how good I would have had it. I only dug myself into a bigger hole. You never regain trust, you'll always have anxiety and depression. Once you find out it's just over. It will never be the same. I know many are scared to make that decision, especially if you're a SAHM with kids. I was that mom. I lost tons of weight, then gained it back with much more, I've aged a decade in my face... It's changed the dynamics in the house, the kids who were old enough to understand what was going on are gonna be scarred in their own relationships. I know you're scared, I know your world just ended. But, staying doesn't make it better. They can try their hardest, but you'll always know they stabbed you in the back. The sense of safety, family is gone. AND THEY WILL NEVER TELL YOU THE WHOLE TRUTH. Learn from my mistakes, I was too depressed and scared. I couldn't get the strength to leave. It got me NOWHERE. My heart goes out to all of you.


----------



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

I'm so sorry for your pain love. But I totally agree with you.

Are you divorcing?


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

You're completely right. The question now is are you going to do something about it? I hope so. You know what to do. Do you have the courage to act?


----------



## TiredFamilyGuy (Jan 18, 2014)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TiredFamilyGuy (Jan 18, 2014)

OP, I agree 100%. Trust gone. Always doubting, and knowing they could stab you in the back again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Wow that is depressing. 

I think some people can R successfully, trust again, and go on to have a happy marriage... But, most cannot. 

I could not.


----------



## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

I'm sorry for your hurt and in a lot of cases you're absolutely right, but not all! * It is possible to successfully reconcile. * You have to be willing to end it to save it though, you can't go about it scared. I was ready to walk out the door the first time my ww showed the least sign of not taking R seriously and not doing the "heavy lifting". My WW has been completely remorseful and has done not only everything I have asked, but has gone way beyond. 

Once again I'm sorry for what you're going through, but I believe that there are two choices. Not everybody can or should reconcile, infidelity can be a sign of a totally broken relationship, or maybe to much to get over. But couples can and do get over this, more than this site would lead you to believe I'm sure! I doubt very many BS' s come back three years later to say how good life is. If life is good they probably just choose not to come here and dig up the past. I doubt I'll be around a year from now. Maybe not even next week, too many triggers. But if I am, it's too show that it is possible to "fix" things, at least for some of us.


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

For the most part i agree. But there are exceptions. 

Most people reconcile out of fear, not love "not a popular view on here). 

I believed this before i came here, and this forum has confirmed it.

I am shocked by how some of the guys here cling to their cheating spouses.

But.

Sometimes it actually does work out, because sometimes its love and not fear. We see that on here.

How was your marriage before the affair? Many stay becaue it was great at one time and hope is a hard thing to surrender. 

Im sorry for your pain.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I think it depends on a number of factors. How you found out, who their AP was, if AP was supposed to be a friend of yours, if WS is remorseful and so on. 

I feel for you. Nobody should have to go through what you are going through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TopsyTurvy5 (Nov 16, 2013)

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. My fingers are crossed that things will improve soon.

I agree 100% with what you suggested. In 99.99% of cases people should just move on.


----------



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

It's not too late to divorce. Don't be so hard on yourself hurtingbadly, you did your best I'm sure. 

It's never too late to start over and don't EVER worry about what others think, they have their own problems BELIEVE me.

I think everyone would give you credit foe giving your marriage a try at staying together. 

Do you work? Can you support yourself? How long has your spouse been out of work? 

Start making plans now. Make some goals for yourself, even if they're small ones. 

As moms, we are usually the glue of the family and trying to keep everyone afloat and happy is what we are usually good at. Never take away from yourself your valuable contribution to your family and children. 

Please don't be hard on yourself, all this is tough enough. It takes a stronger person to try a chance at reconciliation than not IMO. You tried and there is absolutely no shame in that!


----------



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

I couldn't agree more with the advice of this thread and recommend the same to anyone.

Of course there are exceptions and it takes two spouses who are willing to *try*(however impossible to forget) to put all the bullshyte out of their minds to stay together.

But in general, I advise the same as you hurtingbadly.


----------

