# My wife says we've grown apart. Help!!



## husband&dadof3 (Aug 30, 2011)

My wife and I have been married for 5 years and she has blessed me with the knowledge that she isn't happy and feels as though we have grown apart. Me myself, I do not see it or know how. She isn't sure if she still wants to me married or if we are even worth working out. She has asked for time and space and I have done what I can to give it to her. She tells me that she thinks we are a lost cause and why should we keep putting each other through this and just get it over with. I need help folks. I do not know what to do. I love her with all my heart and I think and feel that we can work this out.

PS.... I also think she maybe having an "emotional affair" with an old friend but am scared to confront her about it.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

She cannot work on the marriage if she is in an affair.

Do you have children?


----------



## husband&dadof3 (Aug 30, 2011)

yes we have 3. I have no proof she is in one, its just a feeling i have


----------



## hcvherber (Aug 21, 2011)

hi husbndadof3, well you are not sure if she has an affair, & if she has, something new will be very exciting to her..BUT then again you are not sure and she will most probably deny it; so from your end you can only do your best to get her back.... if she does have an affair, it may be exciting to her as it is new but one more thing that a partner looks for aside from the excitement is a stability & dependability of a relationship, one he or she can lean on, a comfort zone. 

So while you give her space & time, continue being nice to her every now and then, make her feel your loving support, that you are one she can find comfort and lean on, without bugging her too much because she wants space. And on the times that you have contact, still be cheerful and be able to make her laugh & have a great time with you, without pleading her to come back. As she lets you in her life again, gradually do more things for her, surprise her with "romantic ideas to keep the love alive"....make her feel a queen. When she sees she has an exciting, stable & happy union with you, she will realize you are the one for her.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

husband&dadof3 said:


> yes we have 3. I have no proof she is in one, its just a feeling i have


Ah too bad. That makes it harder to let go.

So you need to investigate to see if she is having an affair.

Also you need to work on you. See he Mens forum for manning up.

Also, you might want to look at this: Married Man Sex Life

If and when she gets interested in the relationship I suggest you two do His Needs Her Needs.


----------



## hcvherber (Aug 21, 2011)

Unless a person has an insatiable desire for the opposite sex, a person will not go astray and have an affair if he/she is completely happy and fulfilled with what he/she has. Falling in love is easy - keeping the romance alive takes effort as marriage is a career in itself, you have to keep working at it everyday. Sometimes we tend to get lax about the relationship because of the security of marriage. Try to deduce what it is she is looking for that she finds your union bland. Find ways and romantic ideas to keep the love alive.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

husband&dadof3 said:


> yes we have 3. I have no proof she is in one, its just a feeling i have


trust your instinct on this. "grown apart" is one of the terms my W used when asking for divorce (it was only awhile later that I discovered her conviction was being fueled by her secret affair(s)) At least in your case she is only asking for time apart (fence sitting) which means she still acknowledges you have "some" value, which means maybe you have the chance I didn't to turn this around and get your marriage back by following Entropy's advice about manning up. Don't be indecisive or let her turn all the blame of the unfulfilled needs in your marriage onto you, it is a partnership that you are both supposed to be committed to, anything you do that makes you appear weak will convince her of her decision to cheat. Good luck!


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

FWIW, you should not let an EA continue. They pretty much only escalate. Giving space in general is giving space for the affair to grow.

I was in an EA. My wife intervened. Saved our marriage. If she had not the EA would have gotten deeper and we would have ended up divorcing.

She loves you but is not in love with you.

If you push her she will say you are being jealous, controlling and insecure.

She needs SPACE.

She needs time to find herself.

Take these words above as indicators of an affair. If nothing else rule out the affair. Time is not on your side with an affair. If it is not an affair you did not waste your time. Waiting to deal with the affair is the worst thing you can do.

Gain access to her email, Facebook and cell phone.

These will tell you much.

Do not be a Nice Guy. Read up on that in Mens forum. Women are not attracted to Nice Guys. This forum is full of Nice Guys whose wives cheated on them with Alpha males. The Nice Guys stay home and take care of the kids while the wife goes out. They put their wives on a pedestal while their wives are out seeking other men's attention. This sounds counter-intuitive. But if you have beeen a doormat for her, you have been selected for deletion.


----------



## husband&dadof3 (Aug 30, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Ah too bad. That makes it harder to let go.
> 
> So you need to investigate to see if she is having an affair.
> 
> ...




Where is that mens forum at?? I looked around but couldn't find it


----------



## husband&dadof3 (Aug 30, 2011)

Keep the information coming I really appreciate it. We have talked some more and we have some of the causes of the problems figured out and have some options. I confronted her about my feeling and she denied it and honestly she started to tear up when I said something about it so now I'm convinced there's nothing going on.


----------



## hcvherber (Aug 21, 2011)

Good for you and hopefully she is not indeed having an affair. Though it seems strange she would tear up when you said something about it, sorry to say this but it seems a defensive reaction. 

But its good that you are talking and continuing to do so will help unearth the resentments and deeper problems. JUST in case there is an affair indeed, well...when you read about getting an ex back, one common thread is indeed giving space, but not totally disappearing, and still making your presence, your love felt, because forcing yourself upon someone when she is having a new and exciting relationship and here you are angrily tearing it apart is just like scratching a wound and pushing her further into another's arms. Be the man she can not only feel love but also, lean on and rely on and she will come home to you. By being nice i meant is not to fight her (she will just resist all the more) but to listen to what her actions are crying out for. 

But whether she has an affair or not, find out from your talks what she misses and why she says you have grown apart. Time to step up things and do more than you have done for the marriage before. Doing the same things as before will not improve the situation. Find ways to keep a marriage exciting and think of romantic ideas.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

husband&dadof3 said:


> Where is that mens forum at?? I looked around but couldn't find it


The Men's Clubhouse

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


----------



## ARF (Jan 26, 2011)

I think she owes it to you and your children to attend Marriage Counseling with you. If I were in your shoes, I'd request that she at least commit to that.


----------



## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

husband&dadof3 said:


> Keep the information coming I really appreciate it. We have talked some more and we have some of the causes of the problems figured out and have some options. I confronted her about my feeling and she denied it and honestly she started to tear up when I said something about it so now I'm convinced there's nothing going on.


Don't let the "tearing up" fool you. If she is having an affair (EA or whatever) - its part of the script. Read up on the term "gaslighting". She has let her heart wander off somewhere else and it isn't your marriage anymore, hence her feelings. 

You'll find most of us here, if not all, have experienced some of what you are experiencing, and you'll find that denial and crying dont equal honesty.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

husband&dadof3 said:


> Keep the information coming I really appreciate it. We have talked some more and we have some of the causes of the problems figured out and have some options. I confronted her about my feeling and she denied it and honestly she started to tear up when I said something about it so now I'm convinced there's nothing going on.


OMG, stop that! This is tough love time. Cheaters very often tear up. Sigh.

Great! Glad things have completely worked out.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

husband&dadof3 said:


> Keep the information coming I really appreciate it. We have talked some more and we have some of the causes of the problems figured out and have some options. I confronted her about my feeling and she denied it and honestly she started to tear up when I said something about it so now I'm convinced there's nothing going on.


 Cheaters LIE.

And they lie VERY WELL.

OF COURSE she denied it. She's not stupid, is she? "Gee honey, I'm in love with Bill so you'd better move out so I can replace you with him. Oh, and by the way, leave your paycheck."

She denied it - say prove it - hand over your cell phone and give me the password to your computer.

If she refuses, she's already cheating on you.


----------

