# OMG-Can't believe I am doing this



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Ok so the title sums it up. I can't believe I am doing this. Posting on an internet forum about the most personal thing in my life. Nonetheless, I have lurked around here for nearly a week and you guys have some GREAT advice, so I am hoping for some help.

Married for 8 1/2 years. Together 11. Two kids one boy-10 one girl-3.

Our marriage is so severely screwed up I don't know where to begin, but I want to start off with the issue that happened last night. So here it goes-bear with me, I am new at this.

Asked H to come to bed because I was in the mood for sex. He came in and made no move. Instead feel asleep. Finally I turn the tv off about two hours later and he says what no sex. So I proceed to make the move and end up riding him. Well guess what, it lasted all of two minutes and he was done-satisfied. I got up, pretty pissed, went to the bathroom and came back to find him sleeping. I feel so used.

Anyone with any input, would be great!


----------



## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

So when you said "come to bed" to your husband, did you actually say "come to bed" or did you tell him you were expecting sex? Because I have done the former and the results were the same (except he stayed asleep!). If you wanted sex and then waited for him to make a move, I guess I am not surprised that he went to sleep. Maybe he was waiting for you to take the initiative. Asking for what you want/need is something that doesn't always come easily to everyone, but it's the most efficient way I know of to get what you want.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Welcome to the forums...Since you started with this specific incident maybe it can shed some light on the rest of 'severely screwed up'...

If you changed last night and instead did the following: Hinted to him around dinner time that you were in the mood...just flirty, etc. Later mentioned you are having thoughts of him doing x, y, z (whatever type of foreplay) and when he came into the room, you make the first move. How do you think he would have reacted?


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Leahdorus said:


> So when you said "come to bed" to your husband, did you actually say "come to bed" or did you tell him you were expecting sex? Because I have done the former and the results were the same (except he stayed asleep!). If you wanted sex and then waited for him to make a move, I guess I am not surprised that he went to sleep. Maybe he was waiting for you to take the initiative. Asking for what you want/need is something that doesn't always come easily to everyone, but it's the most efficient way I know of to get what you want.


Thank you so much for the quick response. I am very grateful for it! Yes, I did let him know I was "in the mood" so to speak. I flirted with him and even talked dirty. I do have a tough time asking for what I want, but sometimes I just want him to take the initiative too.


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

swedish said:


> Welcome to the forums...Since you started with this specific incident maybe it can shed some light on the rest of 'severely screwed up'...
> 
> If you changed last night and instead did the following: Hinted to him around dinner time that you were in the mood...just flirty, etc. Later mentioned you are having thoughts of him doing x, y, z (whatever type of foreplay) and when he came into the room, you make the first move. How do you think he would have reacted?


Hi Swedish~
Yes, I did all that except making the first move. He came in to bed, but it was just as though he would sit and watch tv until he fell asleep or I pounced on him. I will add some more history, so you can see what the severely screwed up deal is.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> Hi Swedish~
> Yes, I did all that except making the first move. He came in to bed, but it was just as though he would sit and watch tv until he fell asleep or I pounced on him. I will add some more history, so you can see what the severely screwed up deal is.


"....it was as though...."????

no offense intended, but you mean that's the signal he sent? screwed up is your method of communication. sounds like attempted mind-reading going on.


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Ok, a brief history.

Met at the age of 15-me 17-him. Knew each other three months, ended up pregnant. We had the baby who is now 10 (gosh hard to believe). Got married when our son was 19 months old. Then he abuse started, verbally then physically (twice) toward me. Years later, he had an emotional affair and to this day can't fess up about it. I got pregnant with the now 3 year old and all hell broke loose. He became physical with me and ended up in jail (24 hours in my state). He retaliated by filing for divorce the next day. We splite for 6 months, and reconciled the month before our daughter was born. The physical abuse stopped once I made a believer out of him and now it is verbal. Last August, I packed myself and the kids up because he threatened me physically. We were gone eight weeks. I filed for divorce and was ready to move on with my life. He persuaded me back and things have been up and down since.

I hope this helps to shed some light on this. To put it into words here kind of makes me sick to think all we have been through.


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Voivoid~
Yeah our communication could use a LOT of work. Do I need to dress in something sexy to let him know I am in the mood? I also want to add that this is not a one time incident. Many times, many time he gets "off" and goes to sleep. This one just really struck a cord with me.


----------



## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

OK, I have to ask... what is it about him that makes you want to stay? So far, you haven't shared anything with us that shows his redeeming qualities. How was he able to "persuade you back"? I am concerned about the history of physical violence, and now verbal... big red flags, if you ask me. What is it that makes you want to stay with him?


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

How did he persuade you back when you left for 8 weeks? Did he go to any anger management or take any action to show you he's serious about making changes on that front?

Even if he is no longer physically abusive, you should not tolerate the verbal abuse either. If the verbal attacks go both ways, it almost sounds as if your relationship started when you were both emotionally immature and did not progress from there because you were set in your ways with each other. This seems to be the core where things are broken and I would seriously assess whether the abusive nature will change.


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

I think the reasons I stay (or come back) is because I do love him. He is an excellent provider and is great with the kids. He is funny and we have a lot of the same interests (maybe that is because we have grown up together). I am physically attracted to him still too.


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

swedish said:


> How did he persuade you back when you left for 8 weeks? Did he go to any anger management or take any action to show you he's serious about making changes on that front?
> 
> Even if he is no longer physically abusive, you should not tolerate the verbal abuse either. If the verbal attacks go both ways, it almost sounds as if your relationship started when you were both emotionally immature and did not progress from there because you were set in your ways with each other. This seems to be the core where things are broken and I would seriously assess whether the abusive nature will change.


He did take an anger management course, but IMO it was not long enough (just 2 sessions over 2 weekends). Yes, he did make changes, but they only lasted for a short while. I think he made a lot of promises and I thought he would make good on them. He acknowledge the mistakes he had made (I have my mistakes too-no angels here). 
The verbal attacks are one sided. I don't yell or say demeaning things to him. I wasn't raised that way and I would not want my children to see or hear that from their mom. I think you are absolutely correct that we were both emotionally immature when we got together-we were very young. The problem is now it is habit and I don't know what to do to change it.


----------



## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

Does he see any problems in the relationship? I mean, would he agree with you that things are not great and could be better? If so, would he consider joint counseling with you? If he wants things to be happier, and so do you, then that's a huge step. Learning some new communication tools is really helpful and a good therapist is a great way to get them in a non-confrontational environment.


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Leahdorus said:


> Does he see any problems in the relationship? I mean, would he agree with you that things are not great and could be better? If so, would he consider joint counseling with you? If he wants things to be happier, and so do you, then that's a huge step. Learning some new communication tools is really helpful and a good therapist is a great way to get them in a non-confrontational environment.


I think he sees the problems, but won't say anything. I worry it will all come to a head because he bottles it up. I don't say anything because I don't want to start anymore heated discussions or piss him off. We did go to counseling for a while last year, but he got upset and walked out of the counselor and never returned. I have requested counseling numerous times but should I demand it?


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> Voivoid~
> Do I need to dress in something sexy to let him know I am in the mood? I also want to add that this is not a one time incident. Many times, many time he gets "off" and goes to sleep. This one just really struck a cord with me.


"...i just want to add..."

go ahead and provide as much information as possible, especially if you'd like solid advice that applies to your problems. every post, you provide more info. don't hold back.


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

voivod said:


> "...i just want to add..."
> 
> go ahead and provide as much information as possible, especially if you'd like solid advice that applies to your problems. every post, you provide more info. don't hold back.


I don't mean to be dumb or sarcastic here, but do I need to striptease for him or wear something sexy or what? I don't know that it will help with his problem of lasting long enough. Any guy advice would be appreciated here! Also anything from the ladies if you have/are experiencing a similar deal.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> I don't mean to be dumb or sarcastic here, but do I need to striptease for him or wear something sexy or what? I don't know that it will help with his problem of lasting long enough. Any guy advice would be appreciated here! Also anything from the ladies if you have/are experiencing a similar deal.


maybe. try it. i'll be honest (i try to always be!!!) a striptease might be a little much. maybe a nice lingerie. i don't think he needs any hints, and it sounds like he doesn't need to be aroused. "lasting long enough" is probably not my department. sometimes i do, sometimes i don't. i make sure business is always taken care of before we're all done.


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Voivoid~
I will try your advice this evening. Last night went about as expected. He came in and went to bed. Meanwhile I was still reeling about the night before. I got a little pissy and said I guess I won't be satisfied again tonight. He went off and started yelling about me just trying to start a fight. I tried explaining that all I was doing was trying to explain to him what I needed. I definitely could have done it in a much better way. I just feel as though don't most men want to please their wives, not "blow and go?" Nonetheless, we both went to bed mad.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> Voivoid~
> I will try your advice this evening. Last night went about as expected. He came in and went to bed. Meanwhile I was still reeling about the night before. I got a little pissy and said I guess I won't be satisfied again tonight. He went off and started yelling about me just trying to start a fight. I tried explaining that all I was doing was trying to explain to him what I needed.


"i got a little pissy" and a sarcastic comment won't raise his arousal one iota. you want him aroused first. that's what the lingerie was for, wasn't it?


StrongEnough said:


> I definitely could have done it in a much better way.


ya think? okay, my (very serious) question to you: how would you "do it a better way?"


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

voivod said:


> "i got a little pissy" and a sarcastic comment won't raise his arousal one iota. you want him aroused first. that's what the lingerie was for, wasn't it?
> 
> ya think? okay, my (very serious) question to you: how would you "do it a better way?"


A better way would have been for me to actually initiate the foreplay or start by kissing him, rather than complain about it. I guess I am just so hurt and was still thinking about the previous night that I let it get to me.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> A better way would have been for me to actually initiate the foreplay or start by kissing him, rather than complain about it. I guess I am just so hurt and was still thinking about the previous night that I let it get to me.


yes, you did let it get to you. so how about this: take a break from sex. don't do it, think about it (i know easier said than done) don't put yourself in a position where you expect it. and don't set a deadline for sex or a "drop dead date." allow him to come around. i assume he'll build up and HAVE TO want it. mostly relax, and don't put so much pressure on the act.


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

voivod said:


> yes, you did let it get to you. so how about this: take a break from sex. don't do it, think about it (i know easier said than done) don't put yourself in a position where you expect it. and don't set a deadline for sex or a "drop dead date." allow him to come around. i assume he'll build up and HAVE TO want it. mostly relax, and don't put so much pressure on the act.


If I take a break and I can and will, I am sure that he will not "last" very long. This is usually how it goes in our sex life. If he goes too long without, then he "goes" quickly and we are back to square one. This problem does seem to have been more and more since his vasectomy last year. Could this be a medical condition or not? I know you aren't a doctor, but I have not been with many men and I don't know if this is the norm. I appreciate all your help!


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> This problem does seem to have been more and more since his vasectomy last year. Could this be a medical condition or not? I know you aren't a doctor, but I have not been with many men and I don't know if this is the norm. I appreciate all your help!


i can only tell you from experience as i am not a doctor, but after my vasectomy, i had a HUGE mental block about sex. really crazy, but i think i'm a mental case. i was scared to death to ejaculate because i had this unnatural fear that something was going to go medically wrong. i eventually got over it, but heck, i guess that proves that any sex act is at least partially mental. i don't know if that helps, but whatever.


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

That does help! Thank you. I have guy friends, but I do not want to overstep boundaries and ask them about something as personal as my intimate life with my husband, so I sincerely appreciate it. 

I did text him today to apologize for getting upset last night and I told him that I am trying to communicate better with him to let him know what I need. His response love u. I don't think he is listening....


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> I did text him today to apologize for getting upset last night and I told him that I am trying to communicate better with him to let him know what I need. His response love u. I don't think he is listening....


okay, as i said i'm not a doctor, neither am i a communication expert. but listen to me please...and don't be offended, i want your marriage to succeed...

based on this thread, you are a terrible communicator. you conveniently exclude information, and use a technique known as "begging the question." you want the answer you have (maybe subconciously) pre-determined to be the one you believe is right. open up with your communication. don't guard your feelings so much. you will be a much better communicator, and the better you communicate, the better others will be able to communicate with you.


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

I agree, I am a terrible communicator and am not offended at all. I don't mean to exclude information at all. In fact, I am open and will answer any and all questions. It is very hard for me to lay everything out because I have kept it bottled up and tried to keep smiling to make everything seem ok that really wasn't. After 11 years of instability, I am searching for the tools that I need to make this marriage works. I did get the book Five Languages of Love and will read it. I am not sure how much I am going to be able to get him to participate, but I will try. I need to focus on improving myself. I think I guard my feelings because I don't want to be hurt. I am still extremely pissed that he filed for divorce when I was pregnant with my daughter. I can't believe that I have not "gotten over it" as he states, but I can't. It shattered every bit of stability I had and I stay guarded because that was the most painful experience of my life. He is not a very affectionate guy so the only way I feel validated (so to speak, I don't particularly like that word) is when we have sex. That really is the only time that I feel a bond between the two of us.

I am not trying to use the technique you are referring to, but now that you say it, yeah maybe I am. I guess I am looking for an answer as to why my husband doesn't want to take care of my sexual needs, just his own. I want to think it is a medical condition or something I have no control over. I don't want to think that it is because of me or because he doesn't care enough about me. I think both those things hurt. 

All that being said, I am open to learning how to communicate better. I want to feel desired and wanted and loved by my husband.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> His response "love u."
> I don't think he is listening....


YOU'RE not listening!!! he texted you "love u." regardless of the shortness, he said what you want to hear. he said "love u" in other words "i love you."


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Unfortunately it is not what I wanted to hear. Telling me he loves me is great, don't get me wrong. I wanted to hear an apology, a promise of some effort from him, an acknowledgement that he understands my needs. Something-anything that tells me he is listening.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> Unfortunately it is not what I wanted to hear. Telling me he loves me is great, don't get me wrong. I wanted to hear an apology, a promise of some effort from him, an acknowledgement that he understands my needs. Something-anything that tells me he is listening.


okay. tell him that, tell him exactly what you want to hear. don't run the road of negativity when he responds positively. imagine if you were standing face to face. you say something to him that you think should evoke the response you wanted (remember "begging the question???). imagine he responded,"i love you." then you respond back, "i didn't want to hear that."

how long before he just said "f**k it, i guess i won't respond at all next time." 

that's where you're taking this. communication is a skill. practice.


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

So I tell him what I want to hear. What other ways ways can I work on this? Do you have any books you can recommend?


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> So I tell him what I want to hear. What other ways ways can I work on this? Do you have any books you can recommend?


i'd start here:

How to Communicate Effectively with Husbands: Tips for Women to Talk in Ways that will Get Their Men to Listen

let me go through my books. i'll get back to you.

okay, found one: "don't be nice, be real: balancing passion for self with compassion for others" by kelly bryson.

this book kinda forces you to admit to yourself that you are selfish. it's kind of a hurdle that you have to get over to accomplish less selfish goals.


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Thank you! I read and reread and printed the first recommendation. I am checking with my local library to see if they have the other one(small town). If not, I will get it over the weekend.


----------

