# Am I Just Waking Up?



## Tara (Jan 21, 2009)

Hello Everyone,

I am new to the forum. My situation is this: my husband ended a long term affair with my best friend several years ago. He and I went through individual and couples counselling, restated our vows and worked through it. I enjoyed a glass of wine in the evening but for the past several years have been having a few glasses. I stopped in August of 2008. After stopping I became less interested in sex with him, and find myself unsettled. I suppose this could be in several forums. I began to question our relationship, feeling guilty about our lack of physical intimacy. I think I am falling out of love with him. My diagnosis is that I drank to blunt my true feelings and when I stopped it is like I woke up. Maybe I wanted to stay in the marriage so she wouldn't "win". I just don't know. Any input would be marvelous. I am sort of miserable.

Tara


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Congratulations on your accomplishment in refraining from self medication. And I believe your “diagnosis” is likely accurate. Is it possible you still harbor ill feelings because of the affair and the wine served to numb your true feelings. Allowing you to have sex with him. Since the affair, what are the positives in the marriage? I would suggest you may want to concentrate on those and not the past.


----------



## Tara (Jan 21, 2009)

While we were in the healing process he made time for me, consulted with me on his schedule, talked to me, took more responsibility for decisions in our marruage. (Funny, the only majordecision he made was to have the affair!) As long as he felt he was in danger of losing me it was better.
Tara


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

When did he withdraw from the healing process and does it correlate with the drinking?


----------



## Tara (Jan 21, 2009)

Soon after we stopped couples therapy. There is some unfinished business about it that he is withholding. He lied and lied about all aspects of it. It took over three years to even come close to coming clean. He would tell me something, I would believe him, then it wouldn't make sense. Hurt all over again. I needed the absolute truth from him. I still don't know when it started or ended for sure. Anyway, I decided to accept it as it was. Since I stopped drinking things haven't changed much. Although I have had the thought of what it would be like to leave.

Tara


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

So where are you today with him?
How much trust do you have?
Are you satisfied that you have enough information to let the affair go?
Does he now not fulfill your needs since he is “no longer in danger of” losing you?
Where does he fail you?


----------



## Tara (Jan 21, 2009)

Today? Just walking around one another. Not talking much or planning. Fail me? Now, in not making decisions at all. In taking me for granted. I don't know. I just feel blah.

Tara


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Tara said:


> Just walking around one another. Not talking much or planning.


This won’t accomplish much. In order to improve some one need to take the first step. Some one need to start the conversation about the unhappiness in the marriage. Have you had recent discussions on the state of the marriage?


----------



## Tara (Jan 21, 2009)

I have been hesitant. There never seems to be the time. (For him) I think what bothers me is that not knowing when it began and when it ended I am not sure where I was or am in this marriage. It was lengthy, and ended when she "cheated" on him. We had a good sex life all during that time.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Many couples cannot put a finger on when they got lost. If he is not available for you in recovery of this then I would suggest that be your first area to work on. The both of you need to make time to be together as a couple. Do things, date, talk….. It may be awkward at first but it does get easier.


----------

