# Marriage hindering faith. Please respond.



## Growing

I have been married for 14 years. WhenI first met my husband,he was just what I was looking for in a mate. After we married and became Christians, another person emerged. One that I dont like being around and am not attracted to at all. He has become controlling and mean. He loves to give scriptue to back up everything he does and contantly talks down to me. 

I had a hard life growing up. My father was never there for me and my mom always showed her disdain for my younger sister and I, but love for my older sister and brother. These are issues that i recently made peace with, but when my husband and I get into arguments, he loves to say, " i see why you mom treated you the way she did." It used to crush me, but now I am at the point where I have turned numb. 

Sex is more like rape. Of course, he has scripture to back up me having to do it even when I dont want to. I dont feel respected or cherished. I feel like a prisoner and it is all because of the Bible. 

I know I shouldnt feel this way, but I have now began to resent the bible and question if it is real or just written by some chauvinistic men in an attempt to control women. 

I dont talk to him unless I have to and spend all my energy on my kids. But I feel my energy draining. I dont want to become depressed, but I am loosing interest in things that used to bring me joy. 

The thought of separation gives me a light at the end of the tunnel. I dont like it when he is home and make sure I stay in a different part of the house until I am sleepy. I just want to be away from him and anything resembling the Bible.

Can someone offer any advise? It will be MUCH appreciated.
Thanks in Advance.


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## Birdsong

Oh my goodness! This man is abusing you, my friend! I have had enough men try to use God or the Bible to manipulate me, I know what this is. If I married every man who reckoned that God had told him I was his wife - well, I would be a bigamist many times over (how do I meet 'em??)! Not exactly biblical! I was also sexually misused from the age of 16 - 18 because a guy had told me that God said it was alright. I never stopped to wonder if it was actually alright with ME!

Believe it or not, I am a Christian. My faith, in the God I know, is strong enough that I know to avoid faith in another man's version of what they think God thinks. The Bible is a tool to my belief and I can find a lot of support in it, but it is not meant to be taken literally and should never be used to manipulate others. (It's been written by so many different people, and has gone through numerous translations - how can anyone's belief in the Bible be literal anyway?)

The Bible is meant to be understood through careful prayer, meditation & contemplation. How about this for a Bible verse:

1 Corinthians 13 v 4 onwards
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 

Love never fails....And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

Did you notice the bit about "self seeking" and "always protects"?

Would Jesus tell you to have sex with a man because it says somewhere in the bible that women are supposed to obey their husbands? (Is it in the Old Testament somewhere...) Even if you did not want to have sex with him? If you don't want sex and he makes you have sex - however he does this - then it is rape. Can't really imagine God approving of that.

Your H is hiding behind the Bible and religion, and using it to control you. Please don't blame the Bible for his screwed up ideas about Christianity. These are his views, not God's, not yours. Would God really rejoice in seeing you so badly treated by your husband? Not the God I know... 

Listen to your heart, pray, and try to find the way. You are so very precious and deserve better than this man gives. I can't tell you what to do - that would be wrong. Being a Christian should make you feel free, strong and complete as a person. Find faith in your heart, not solely in words of your H's corrupt ideas.

Your happiness, health and safety (physical and emotional) are so important. Please write to me if you want any further help or reassurance. Don't put up with this.


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## Growing

Thank you so much for your reply. Your kind words and loving tone did more good than you will ever know. I am trying to figure out a way to separate from him (the bible says we cant get a divorce) but with 4 kids and having been a stay-at-home mom for almost 10 years, I dont know how I could find somewhere to go. My family, as I mentioned before, is not an option. I do like the scripture you gave me and will try to meditate on it and hopefully get some clarity. Thanks again.


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## preso

Growing said:


> I feel like a prisoner and it is all because of the Bible.
> 
> .


You are prisoner of a man and his interpatation of the bible, which is not the word of God.
God is love and what your man gives you is not what the bible says but what he wants it to say.
If you knew the bible and what it says you would not say its the bible doing this to you.
He is a false teacher and he has found what false teachers look for, someone who does not know the word of god so he can teach his false and ungodly ways to them.

divorce this man at once if you care anything about yourself and your children and filre a police report for rape\ on him.


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## preso

Growing said:


> (the bible says we cant get a divorce) .


You are wrong.

You don't even have a marriage based upon being christians, you have one of power and control/ abuse of him upon you by HIS 
( your husbands) words and feelings, NOT GODS !!!!

A godly man would NEVER treat his wife the way he treats you !


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## GAsoccerman

I agree, divorce this dirtbag, this is one of the things that turnds me off about religion, when people manipulate it.

He is psychotic, get help and get out of there.


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## preso

This reminds me of something... when I got married.. I was sure to review the vows as to say 
LOVE HONOR and CHERISH
not
LOVE HONOR AND OBEY, because I wasn't going to say OBEY...
or agree to obey but I would allow my husband to cherish me.



lol


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## Birdsong

Hello Growing, just wanted to check how you were.

I felt the anger of the other posts on your thread and wondered how that made you feel. They are reacting to the severity of your situation and are just angry that you have been treated like this. Didn't want you to feel bullied though.

I live in the UK and I know that there are organisations out there who can help people in your situation. I'm guessing that you live in the USA (??) - unfortunately, I don't know what is out there to help over there. Can you find out?

Four children are a big consideration, and just leaving or getting a divorce aren't the easy answers. I'm not completely certain that the Bible does actually say "thou shalt not divorce" at any point. It obviously does encourage relationships to be lasting and meaningful because God wants us to be happy, healthy individuals. 

Don't get stuck on the rules of organised religion - even Jesus worked to get a donkey out of a ditch on the Sabbath. You really do need to think about your emotional well being and that of your children. God is a kind, forgiving father who wants only the best for his children. He would not give you a stick or a stone if you asked for fish or for bread (a paraphrase of the bible verse!) - so don't be afraid to ask for what you want, you just might find yourself an answer!

Take care. God Bless. Birdsong x


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## 20yrs

Birdsong;88439Don't get stuck on the rules of organised religion - even Jesus worked to get a donkey out of a ditch on the Sabbath. You really do need to think about your emotional well being and that of your children. God is a kind said:


> I wholeheartily agree with what Birdsong is telling you - NEVER underestimate your God!!
> 
> He makes a way where there is no way. He knows you have a good heart and don't want more hurt for your kids - so just be as a child and talk to your heavenly Father about it.... You may be surprised at what He does for you.


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## helicopter

1 Corinthians 13 
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 


Now go back through with his name ...
Fred is patient
Fred is kind
Fred does not envy, does not boast, is not proud 
etc

(and of course do it for you too ... 
"Growing" is patient ....") 

Now what do you see?

As a Christian you CAN divorce if it's appropriate. God wants what is best for you - under most circumstances that is to remain married, but divorce IS an option (ask me how I know ... I'm a Christian who doesn't believe in divorce per se, yet am divorced myself)

Your husband needs to remind himself of Ephesians 5.
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her". "Husbands love your wives as yourself" 

Would he give himself up - even to death - for you? Or will he continue to abuse you & misquote scripture at you? Does he love you as much as he loves himself?

Can you talk to a pastor? or somebody in the church?
Could you go on a Christian marriage retreat/couples weekend?


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## SFladybug

Birdsong's advice is good. Have you tried counseling yet?? Sometimes people get wrapped up in "getting it right" when they become faithful and it makes them more controlling of others. It might be helpful to seek out godly counseling. 

As to the Bible says no divorce...what it actually says is "God hates divorce" and it lists divorce along with other indicators of a society that is turning away from God. 

God loves you both. God knows the pain you are in now and the pain you and your children will feel if you divorce. BUT God also knows we each have our own free will and God expects us to use it. So, if your husband is unwilling to seek counseling to improve your marriage and you feel controlled and abused by him, ask him to leave and continue to support his family. If he does not, seek a divorce. 

There is such a thing as spiritual abuse...it happens in marriage, in churches, in synagogues, and mosques. I hope that you are finding ways to stop the abuse. May God's protection and love surround you.


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## MEM2020

Growing - it actually hurt my heart to read your post. It physically hurt. This is a sad story. 

My wife is a very religious Christian. I am Jewish - when we met she wasn't too worried but when it came time to get married she made it clear the kids had to be raised Christian or we could not marry. I told her that was ok, and that I would support her. 

I go to Church with her and the kids every week because she is my partner and I love her. She and I sometimes talk about what is right in terms of what we have been taught but we sure don't use religion to talk down to each other or justify bad behavior. Or to abuse the other person. 

I have always known about that bit in the bible says loosely "my body is now hers and hers is now mine". And I always want her body" so if I was a jerk, I would just say - hey I go to church with you every week. And this is what they teach. So be a good Christian wife and do what I ask. 

She and I are both familiar with this scripture. Thing is - we have a house rule THAT ALSO COMES DIRECT FROM SCRIPTURE and that over rides all the others. Which is when ever there is conflict refer to the Golden rule (see below). So getting in bed at night, I might want my wife quite a lot. When I look over and see she seems really tired, tense or sad I just ask her - "what can I do for you?" 

And at that moment - like an out of body experience - me and my little teenage desires fade to black and all I can feel is a mirror of what I see in my wifes eyes. And my strongest desire, drowning out everything else is the desire to comfort the most important person in the world to me. 

You know if my wife asked me to go for marriage counseling at her/our church I would say sure. Isn't anything happening in our marriage that I am embarrassed, reluctant to talk about with a third party. I am sure I can improve, but that is different then being afraid someone will tell you you are being a total basta*d to your wife. 

Your husband seems pretty sure of himself. You think he might agree to go for counseling with your minister? Maybe he needs to hear from a man of the cloth just how badly he is twisting the basic ideas of his faith. Sure does seem if he is that certain he is right, that he wouldn't put up a fuss. In fact he would want to go, so someone else can tell you he is right. Somehow my guess is that he is going to have a whole bunch of reasons to avoid a minister. Mean people know that they are being mean. 


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
The Golden Rule is expressed twice in the Bible, and these are its most authoritative forms, in the words of Jesus, translated. 

"So whatever you wish that men would do to you, do so to them; for
this is the law and the prophets." (Matthew 7:12 RSV)

"And as you wish that men would do to you, do so to them."
(Luke 6:31 RSV)






Growing said:


> I have been married for 14 years. WhenI first met my husband,he was just what I was looking for in a mate. After we married and became Christians, another person emerged. One that I dont like being around and am not attracted to at all. He has become controlling and mean. He loves to give scriptue to back up everything he does and contantly talks down to me.
> 
> I had a hard life growing up. My father was never there for me and my mom always showed her disdain for my younger sister and I, but love for my older sister and brother. These are issues that i recently made peace with, but when my husband and I get into arguments, he loves to say, " i see why you mom treated you the way she did." It used to crush me, but now I am at the point where I have turned numb.
> 
> Sex is more like rape. Of course, he has scripture to back up me having to do it even when I dont want to. I dont feel respected or cherished. I feel like a prisoner and it is all because of the Bible.
> 
> I know I shouldnt feel this way, but I have now began to resent the bible and question if it is real or just written by some chauvinistic men in an attempt to control women.
> 
> I dont talk to him unless I have to and spend all my energy on my kids. But I feel my energy draining. I dont want to become depressed, but I am loosing interest in things that used to bring me joy.
> 
> The thought of separation gives me a light at the end of the tunnel. I dont like it when he is home and make sure I stay in a different part of the house until I am sleepy. I just want to be away from him and anything resembling the Bible.
> 
> Can someone offer any advise? It will be MUCH appreciated.
> Thanks in Advance.


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## Birdsong

Fantastic advice from all! Some of it has even helped me to see things more clearly in my own relationship - thank you.


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## cimunique

the only thing different about my story and yours thats different i have five children. i'm sorry u feel that god has abandon u in ur situation but truly he has not. women where not made to be hurt by anyone. some people use god's words for there own benifit . which is a selfish cause. that is a sin. a the bible says that the bedroom should not be defiled, yes. but god says a man should love his wife as jesus loved the church. which means if he is truly folowing god's laws then . your needs come before his. so if u say not tonight , i have a headach, or i just don't feel like it baby . those are ur needs. see god did not leave women un-protected , he gave wives/women the gold rule. to love us (women) as jesus loved the church. the church is a metphor for god. so ur husband is to love u as jesus loved his father. tell ur husband if he don't believe me ask someone at the next bible study. :lol:
and if that does not work i would suggest something my bible study coach told me . stop using your words against him, learn gods laws for a husband to a wife. proberbs 5 says a man who treat his wife badly will never prosper not in this life or the next.
the bible speaks of a man that is cold-hearted to his wife. a woman can divorce her husband on those grounds and adultry. that include chatlines and phone sex. those laws are ment for men and women. it's about what he believe he will be punished for . hint hint . god is a good god. humans CHOOSE to do the opposite of what he instruct us to do. rather u truly believe or not the fact that ur husband is representing god wrongly, things will work out for u. u still have to believe it will.
good luck i hope i helped


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