# How do I deal with my husbands rude friend



## Fancie217 (Jun 16, 2015)

This seems so silly and petty compared to some of the stuff I have read, but...

So my husband and I met when I was 15, him 25. Except for a small "testing the waters" period when I was 21-22 we have been together for 18 years and married for coming up to 12. Beings I was young, we have gone through a lot, and I have made a lot of mistakes (Cheating, and such) My husband has grown a lot to in the relationship compartment as well. None of the friends my husband had when he met me are still around, I know one was defiantly my fault cause I offended him by bringing a book I had just bought to his house. (I don't have the the best people skills, and I didn't realize it was rude.) The other two where too much into partying and stuff, and when our lifestyles changed, one feel off, and the other got axed when he did a last ditch effort to get us broke up by making up a story about me telling him I cheated on (he was my boyfriend at the time) with a neighbor.

Now he has 3 friends he has made during our relationship, pretty much at the start. The one doesn't come around much because we don't allow drugs at our house, he doesn't have any issues with me. However One hates me (basically because of all the mistakes I have made in the relationship) and the other one is just rude.

The problem is that right now I don't work. I haven't worked in 2 years except for a small side thing to make internet/spending money that I can do while the kids are at school. Every time this guy comes over he badgers me about working, among other things. "do you have a job yet, why don't you apply... blah blah..." I try not to be mean or rude to anyone, and I have explained to him over and over why I don't work. (My kids have improved from barley getting by in school to doing above average for the school and district, my husband is able to have more free time without me getting frustrated as badly for him being gone as often as he likes to be. how it's not financially feasible, etc. Recently my husband was talking on the phone while this guy was over. I had saved up $300 of the money I made to allow my husband to go on a salmon charter. I was pretty proud so I told the friend about it and how I gotten the money. The topic of how much I made came up and he laughed at it because I could make what I make in a month in a week if I got a real job. The badgering has slowly gotten to me and I kinda snapped out of frustration the last time the guy was over, he got a bit of it, than I let it brew and when I finally couldn't help but let it out the friend had left and my husband got the brunt of it, which wasn't fair at all. Now the guy is claiming me as being the reason he no longer wants to come around, trying to convince my husband to leave me home when he goes camping so his friend feels welcomed to come out, etc. and my husband is frustrated because I am driving all his friends away.

The thing is none of his friends (except the book one) where or have been in any lasting relationships. The two that left early on where the player type, and both got married and divorced once during the first 3 years me and my husband where dating. The guy that never comes around has only been in one relationship in the 15+ years we have known him, the guy that hates me has just started his first serious relationship in the last 5 years (which isn't going well) He is older, no kids. The last guy has one 20 or so year daughter that he never saw but paid for, and has never dated in the time we have known him. To top it off he is about 40 or 50 (not sure age) and still lives with his mother.

Anyway I can probably ramble on forever, but basically I don't want to put a wedge between my husband and his friends, he needs friends, even thou these probably aren't the most ideal, however, I really would like his rude type comments to stop. I would love to find friends that would fit us, but I am not the most social person, and I don't know the first thing about trying to make couple friends. I have always been good at getting along with men (except for my husband friends for some reason) but never too much with women except through like facebook, which I am perfectly fine with, but my husband not so much.

Anyway any tips or advice would be nice. Thanks. P.S. Sorry this is so choppy, If I don't post I'll keep editing it forever.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

It's your house too and this friend is disrespecting you so it's your choice not to have him in the house. It's none of his business if you have a job or not, he doesn't pay your bills. He sounds like he has low self esteem so he puts down other people. What is your husband doing about his friend's behavior towards you? Nothing? He needs to man up and protect you and tell his friend to be quiet and respectful towards you.


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

You do not owe this guy any explanations on why you work or you don't work. It is none of his business. And, I think your husband should be the one telling him this. Why is your husband letting this guy disrespect you? That is the question here.

My husband has some friends that I am not that fond of. I let him enjoy their company when I am not around. He would never let them give me a hard time about what I do or don't do. My husband has my back and yours should have yours.


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## Fancie217 (Jun 16, 2015)

My husband has told his friend to shut up and to knock it off when he was within ear shot or was paying attention. It seems to be happening more if my husband is preoccupied, like the last time when I ended up blowing up at the guy I was out back getting a fire going to burn some brush while my husband was out front working on a mower. The friend came through the back with the smart comment about applying for jobs. I blew it off till I went to get my husband a beer, and a half minute later the guy was eye balling me before taking it himself, and I flipped, yelling at him because I didn't get it for him. The time before that it was when my husband was on the phone, and another time when my husband was working to get things packed up after camping. I kinda get he is doing to get my goat, but I am not sure I know how to deal with it so I it doesn't. I warned My husband the next time he makes a comment I would rebuddle something a long the lines of when he was going to call his daughter and be a father, but that is really low. The guy is coming around less frequently, I think it's in attempt to get my husband to go over to his place rather than the guy having to come out here.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

My friends are friends of my marriage and respect my wife. You two could use some counseling about healthy boundaries with friends.

Your Hs friends are toxic. They can't hold onto a relationship and don't respect yours.

As far as one hating you for cheating.

Hopefully it was long ago and fully dealt with, you being remorseful and working with your H to help him heal and both of you repairing your marriage.

I can understand his anger, but he has to be civil with you if he wants to continue being your Hs friend.

My best friend got cheated on and he chose to reconcile with her. I hated her for a while and eventually, I told her how angry she made me by betraying my friend.

She took it and it was done.

We are now good friends and get along good.

I have been married longer than them however and respect marriage.

Your H needs to learn how to stand up for you and your marriage.

It shouldn't be up to you to defend yourself against men being hostile towards you when they are your guests.

Are you able to talk with your H about it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fancie217 (Jun 16, 2015)

Is this kinda common? Losing all your friends when you get married and have kids, cause it just seems the factor in all his friends going away is me.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

If all the old friends are single party animals, yes, it is common if the marriage is to be healthy.

Making friends of other married people is pretty common too.

I still had a lot of single friends when I got serious with my future wife.

They all respected her and us as a couple.

Now, most are married and there is only one woman the rest of us don't get along with too well. She is a bit antisocial though and puts pictures of her sitting on strippers up in her living room.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes, it's normal for single friends to fall away after a couple marries. Sure, there are some single friends who will stay friends. But most single people hang out with single people because they have living a single life-style. Most married couples hang out with other married couples because they are living a similar lifestyle.

I find it odd that your husband only makes friends with single men who have had few, if any, long term relationships with women. 

You can your husband could make friends with couples. This is probably much healthier for your marriage. Try going to Find your people - Meetup and find things that interest you and your husband. Go to them as a couple and meet other couples.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Is it possible your H is complaining that you're not working to his friend when you're not around....and then your friend is sort of relaying this in his own passive aggressive way? 

I mean, none of my H's friends would EVER have the audacity to ask me why I stay at home OR tell me I don't make enough on the side. It's none of their business how much I work and make. At all.....

If I were you, I would have told this person to leave my house immediately and not return until I heard an apology. If my H continued to hang out with someone who disrespected me like that, then he would also have to deal with me. People need to mind their own business. 

If your H is in fact complaining to his friends, then you two need to discuss if it's really okay for you to be staying home. A lot of times the breadwinner does feel slighted, or feels stressed that the weight of the family is put on them. Make sure your H is still feeling okay with you being home.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm not sure how old you are now OP, but I'm 42 and no way in he!l would I take that attitude from hubby's friends. I would've told him long ago that it's none of his business if I work or not (and to be clear, you DO work, you work at home). If he did it again after that I would've told him to get the f outta our house.

Seriously - why do you put up with that?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Friends come and friends go. I have none of the friends I had when I met DH (note I don't blame DH for that). We've all moved on.

From the sounds of it your DH makes pretty crappy friends, so it's no surprise that they don't last.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

The next time he asks why you're not working, just say, "And give up retirement at age 35 (or however old you are)?? No way! It's too much fun!"


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> The next time he asks why you're not working, just say, "And give up retirement at age 35 (or however old you are)?? No way! It's too much fun!"


Or "Why can't you keep a relationship with a woman? Don't answer, that was rhetorical, it's obvious."


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## Fancie217 (Jun 16, 2015)

I am pretty sure he complains, or at very least they ask him to do things, like go to the bar or what not, and he has to say no because we can't afford it. My husband hasn't been able to go hunting for at least the last 2 - 3 years, and it was one of the activities he used to do a lot with this group. I told DH the next time the guy says anything, my husband will have to tell him to leave. I know his friends arn't the best, but at least the one who doesn't like me isn't rude to me in anyway. Hopefully we starting to get new friends soon. We have been starting to get out more together and do things, so it's probably just a time thing.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Fancie217 said:


> *I am pretty sure he complains*, or at very least they ask him to do things, like go to the bar or what not, and he has to say no because we can't afford it. My husband hasn't been able to go hunting for at least the last 2 - 3 years, and it was one of the activities he used to do a lot with this group. I told DH the next time the guy says anything, my husband will have to tell him to leave. I know his friends arn't the best, but at least the one who doesn't like me isn't rude to me in anyway. Hopefully we starting to get new friends soon. We have been starting to get out more together and do things, so it's probably just a time thing.


So if your H is complaining to his friends (and that's disrespect right there, if he has an issue -he should have talked to you about that), but if he's complaining have you guys sat and talked about you not working?

Your marriage could spiral downwards if he is starting to resent you being home. On top of that, neither of you can do anything fun due to lack of funds. He might resent not being able to go hunting or fishing. 

The friend...was WAY WRONG. I would have told him to get out. But if the friend is bold enough to bring it up, it might be because your H is tired of being the sole bread winner and is telling this friend that. 

When is the last time you guys talked about you going back to work or staying home?


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## Fancie217 (Jun 16, 2015)

My husband enjoys complaining, it's kinda what he does. So I don't doubt he complains to his friends, and when you complain to your friends that is kinda what happens. That stuff I can't change very easily, complaining about him complaining doesn't work. He isn't one to compliment, he never has, it is something he is working on in the home, but more often than not it sounds fake and forced. But with that said I don't see him ever talking me up, thou he could, and he has said he has, but it's hard to see. He isn't a bad guy, but he has faults, negativity is one of them. He is more social than me, but he can also be quite a jerk on many levels.

He is not overly thrilled about me staying at home. If the house is perfectly clean when he gets home, it is typically pretty easy sailing, if not, he typically over focuses on what hasn't been done. I am not sure if he just has a grumpy tone, he does have a really deep, Eeyore type voice. He is very blunt when it comes to most things, and (probably because he was raised along side 3 boys, no sisters, and his mom being quite conservative and not really loving, it always seemed like a business arrangement rather than a marriage between his mom and his dad, never seen them kiss, I didn't even know she said "I love you" to her husband until she died, and her pet name for her husband was "husband" "Isn't that right, Husband?" "Husband can you...") he is not very good when it comes to feelings and such.

But at the same time, when I do make comments about looking for a job (this place is hiring, that place is hiring) he will give me a long list of reasons why I shouldn't work there. Anything from the hours (second/third shift I won't be home) to whatever the job is (he doesn't want me working at a gas station, or at a hotel, or he is afraid if I work pizza I will deliver, or he doesn't like the distance from home, wasting gas. He would rather me have a first shift job where I work when he does, but if the kids are sick, they have a snowday, and all the time they have off of school, I can't figure out how it could work. Every job I have ever known wants to be number one, and look down to you prioritizing your family over them. And beings I am rejoining minimum-wage worker-hood, it just not financially practical. (2 1/2 years ago I was working towards becoming a vet tech and working at a local vet hospital but after I ended up waking up in the hospital with respiratory failure, it took me a few months to realize I couldn't do that anymore, so had to give it up, I started working later on that year at basically a toy factory when his mom died. He told me at that time to go ahead and quit the job because it wasn't worth it, I tried to get a job at Farm and Fleet later on in the year, but failed the drug test because of the medication I had been put on (my brain got all messed up in many areas, and they put me on adderal to help with add) anyway not a fun year.)

I do know he gets flack at work, or at least he has mentioned it. I am not sure he knows how to re-buddle himself. All his co-workers wives work. He does realize they are more able, free baby sitters and what not where we don't have that option. I know he says none of them have any type of sex life, but they all have tons of toys and he gets jealous some. He is having a bit of a hard time adjusting to the stay at home mom thing, mindset anyway.

We do things, we have a club where we go camping about monthly, fishing when we go. We go to the fair when one is around. We have a camper, we have a boat, we don't have smart phones, snowmobiles, atv's or cable, but I see us as doing pretty decent.

But yeah, this "friend" I know is an alcoholic, he is not the best in terms of friends, but I don't want to be accused, or have my husband feel like I am trying to "isolate" him as he has made comments of before.

We do do the counseling thing. Oh and as for the cheating thing, most of it was pre-marrage (all the actual physical type stuff). I never hid any of it. The first one I think he blew off (I was 17, ended up getting drunk and had a one night stand), the second time (21, got drunk, ended up seeing the guy and my husband for a while) we stayed together for a while and than broke up for a year and a half. The stuff after we got married I didn't realize I was cheating, both of our ideas about what is cheating are way different, and I still really don't think I was, (the guy didn't see me, I didn't see him, and we didn't do any cyber anything (like "I do what ever to you") because I felt all that was cheating, we basically talked to each other while watching porn is the best way I can describe it.) but since he didn't agree to it I stopped, but I guess it still hurt. But I only did that because he wasn't an option. The other was pillow talk I guess that I took a little too far. He made comments about how me being with another guy was a turn on. I don't normally have any type of attraction to other men, so I never saw it happening. But I ended up meeting a guy at work I connected with because we had a similar past and such. (didn't do anything with the guy, but talk, I always told my husband if something like that was to happen, or did happen, like an affair or such I would simply would want to know, I would rather know about it than find out I had been lied to,) I ask my husband if he wanted to with the guy, and almost found myself looking at divorce, in which we ended up separating for a couple months, at that time I did get myself in a situation I shouldn't have with someone else and didn't know how to get out of it. That one I feel absolutely awful about, but I don't think he knows about that, and I could never tell him about that one.


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## Fancie217 (Jun 16, 2015)

I guess the friend end up pissing my husband off pretty bad. My husband was getting a side job fixing a car. And my husband heard from the car guy that the friend was talking behind my husbands back saying that he(my husband) comes over to his place sits on his butt and drinks up all the friends beer and never helps with anything, and my husband is lazy and probably would take forever to fix the guys car, if he did it right at all.

My husband isn't one of those guys who can sit still, he is always doing something, working on something. It is one of the things I had to come to grips with, because he never can just sit inside and watch t.v. or be lazy. He is always in the garage tinkering with something, over at the neighbors helping them with something else, or over at a friends working on something. In fact this friend had just dropped off a mower two weeks or so ago to have glenn fix it (when the jerk friend came back and bugged me again about working which was what bugged me enough to start this thread). He often goes over to his friends houses and helps them with projects that they themselves are too lazy to get started.

This guy really irks me, and I am really hoping his time around is getting towards the end, hopefully if I wait long enough he will just make himself unwanted so it can't be my fault at all. He is working on it.


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