# We want to fix marriage, but I feel too much water gone under the bridge



## cdtaylor3 (Feb 6, 2018)

Hi all,

This a bit of a long one... If you feel able to respond to leave a comment, we'd appreciate it. Please reply to us as you would like to be spoken to yourself - peacefully and respectfully. Thank you.

I'm married (M37) to my wife (F34), for 11 years, together for 18 years in total. We've had the usual ups and downs and laughed and cried through them, but there's been a bit more and our attempts to fix it are falling short. So, I've been cheated on before, prior to my wife, which was crushing, but I didn't want sex before marriage, so understood why, but my wife made a few errors of judgement that to be honest, hurt a hundred times more. Please note; we learned recently that she is autistic. Catagorically; to the best of my knowledge she has NOT cheated on me, but she's lost that trust, this is why...

Shortly after we got married, there were a few incidents of abuse dotted over 3 years; she punched me the day after the wedding, a few days later started screaming at me and an old chap in the street, before pushing me down a cast iron stairwell; believe my that really hurts. Over the next few years, similar incidents happened a few times, I just thought "meh, troubled upbringing" so I just took it. Often she'd scream at me after alcohol, even up till a few weeks ago I'm yelled "F***" in front of our kids, both in public and private.

4 later years, she's pregnant with our first child, which was amazing. Then and I totally understand this, she switches into "Mummy" mode is natural; so, eventually it gets to the point that I say "wouldn't it be nice to spend a bit of time together, just share some coffee and chat?" - I wasn't even that concerned about sex as I respected we'd just had a baby, but the next 3 years became like this; I get up for work, come home, and she's upstairs settling the baby to bed when I get in, and stays upstairs all night. I'd do some chores watch some TV waiting for her to come down and eventually go to bed. I often only saw her at weekends even though we lived together. My concerns were ignored and the response was "it might be a problem for you, but it isn't for me". People started citing concerns that the lack of any time that we had together was going to come to a head. 
3 years on, another child came into the mix, and it continued, I explained I was "dying inside" from lack of companionship, or any feeling of love - she insisted "it was only a problem for me" or get yelled at about "blame", (this stemmed from a childhood issue)

The parallel problem during this time was that any time I tried to talk to her, she'd take my children away, without my consent, and visit friends she'd met on the internet for a week. She'd say how awesome it was and constantly post away on FB about how great they were, how she'd made these great friends - I'm crying daily with loneliness even when they are home, devoid of affection and dying inside. I tried everything, then while it was in innocence, she met this man up up there, and for the better part of a year she didn't stop talking about him, posting on FB, on occasions I'd have a joke with her, She'd occasionally say "he already said that". A friend approached me with concerns that her FB activity was suggestive of an affair. Slowly, I began to become resentful, emasculated, and so on... On one occasion she asked me if she could stay up an extra night so she could spend the evening with him and the other couple could go out together, I even got a drunken phone call one night suggesting I finance a board-game idea this guy had. She told me "he makes her feel safe", (she has no recollection, of that, just like the physical abuse). After a few years of everything snowballing, I'd get louder and eventually aggressive in tone through frustration. Eventually I was diagnosed with severe depression. Then she'd have "harmless" jokes at my expense in front of friends thinking it was fun; it was humiliating. Over the years, people would say they were "embarressed for me", "they'd never speak about their husband/wife like that", and so on.

Then about a year back, a mutual friend started yelling at me in the street; instead of talking to me, my wife had taken all our private business, everything I'd said and repeated it to said person instead of talking to me - said person reminded me every time I saw her and made my life a misery, She'd done similar to other mutual friends. Just a 5 minute conversation and compromise was the woefully simple to solution before it became this mess. Then it got even worse...

Her phone was on our bed, buzzed to say a message arrived, so I just picked it up to see who the message was from so I could say; "hey, there's a message from...", just that. The message was from one of the "internet" friends and about me, and it was awful, horrible. I was so upset by this point (how can someone say this about me after all the effort I've put in) that I did something bad, and I'm openly confessing to; I read the conversation. I felt violated, emasculated and betrayed worse than cheating could ever be; everything I'd said with pain-staking effort to try and get us to talk and heal had been, relayed, verbatum but with adding that I'd say it in a a given way that vilified me. This included deeply private details about our sex life; I felt humiliated; the context had been stripped and changed, and of course, no-one wanted to hear my side. Suicide began to feel like a way out... this had been going on for ages, years. she tells me how she can be herself with these friends; of course they do, they're offering her solace from a problem that she refused to solve. Even now, its been made clear to me that if she has to choose, between us, it'll be these "friends", even though it'll would mean breaking up our family, putting the kids through Hell, and taking them and my wife away from the large community of friends they have here. 

I'd even been buying them fortnightly fruit and veg boxes few a couple of years because thay had small children and no money, saved them from the Tax Man, given them a Playstation, offered one of them work for my company, to get better finances and education, "no thanks, happy where he is", yes, same place the guy I mentioned earlier lives. I've been told directly what they think of me, it's beyond awful (I won't reprint) and its based on half-truths. She wanted to fix that, so I gave her some private suggestions in an email as to what I'd say; so, again, she took my children from me, went up there, and then handed over the private message I'd written her. 

Please can someone explain to my wife why I no longer wish for her to visit that place and why its become a red-line for me? And why she's lost my trust, and how all of the above turned our marriage into a mess? 

Also, please kick my up the backside if you feel its appropriate. I've felt like an emasculated doormat given 0 respect for almost all of our relationship. Right back at the beginning, I've even had to see this woman in my bed with another guy on her.

Thanks all.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

your wife sounds like one of the most disgusting people i have heard of so far, and you sound like one of the weakest. 

honestly, why on earth would you say that reading a text from a guy she is obviously having and emotional affair(and i seriously doubt it has not gone physical) with is a "bad thing"? bad thing? are you kidding me?! your wife sounds absolutely horrendous! like, i would have divorced her a LONG time ago horrendous. and your kids are growing up, thinking THAT is normal. 

good lord man, divorce this waste of air. all you have to do is tell her that since she sees you as the one with all the problems, you will take that. no problem. since you are the one with all the problems, you will be the one to come up with the solution: DIVORCE!

im not embarrased for you. im ANGRY for you. your wife has completely destroyed you. so cast off your damn mis-attributed shame and take back YOUR life.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Well it seems that your wife is violent, abusive and a cheat. If my spouse punched me in the face and pushed me down the stairs I would have left and certainly not had children who would also be in danger of abuse as well. You should have reported her to the police after she pushed you down those stairs. You could have been seriously hurt. 
Why did you stay when she showed you several times early on that she cant be trusted, is violent and seems to have no self control at all?

Honestly I fear for your children being with her. She is probably already messing them up. 

I think you need to make a record of all of the things she has done and see a lawyer. I have no idea why you think you have to put up with this abuse. 

BTW being autistic isn't to blame. I know several autistic people and they are not violent.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

i read all that **** and i didn't once see a damned thing about 'we' wanting to fix it.


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## cdtaylor3 (Feb 6, 2018)

Hi all, just a quick response; thank you so far, but please remember that I asked “speak as you would like to be spoken”. She has changed, and I mean that, but can we focus on explaining clearly why its no longer acceptable for her to visit this place if we are having a clean sheet? 

I knew this would be inflammatory and maybe raw to some members, but we are looking at a fresh start, in a fresh country, all I want is for people to help her understand why trust is an issue and why I don’t want her visiting that place anymore.

Thank you all, please keep adding your thoughts on this.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

cdtaylor3 said:


> She has changed, and I mean that,





> but can we focus on explaining clearly why its no longer acceptable for her to visit this place if we are having a clean sheet?


lol she ain't changed a bit if she needs that **** explained to her

edit: hold on, were you buying food for the kids of the guy she's having an affair with?

this is incredible


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

cdtaylor3 said:


> Hi all, just a quick response; thank you so far, but please remember that I asked “speak as you would like to be spoken”. She has changed, and I mean that, but can we focus on explaining clearly why its no longer acceptable for her to visit this place if we are having a clean sheet?
> 
> I knew this would be inflammatory and maybe raw to some members, but we are looking at a fresh start, in a fresh country, all I want is for people to help her understand why trust is an issue and why I don’t want her visiting that place anymore.
> 
> Thank you all, please keep adding your thoughts on this.


that IS how i would want someone to talk to me if i were in your shoes...

here is the thing though, your wife doesn't get it if you still have to explain why it is not a good idea for her to do things that cause you pain. 

so, just out of curiosity, how has your wife changed? when did she start this change? what has she done? has she apologized and shown any remorse for her behavior?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

So, OP, you're wanting to rugsweep years of abuse and cheating, while she doesn't understand why any of those things were wrong? Got it. 

Okay, so some advice for the Mrs.: It's wrong to do things that hurt your spouse. It's doubly wrong to intentionally keep doing things that you've already been made clearly aware hurt your spouse. Abuse it bad. Cheating is bad. Lying is bad. Taking your spouse's children away is bad. Taking your children to spend time with random strangers you've met online is potentially very unsafe. So, stop abusing your husband. Stop cheating. And, yes, spending more emotional energy on and time with another man than you do with your husband, is absolutely cheating. Prioritizing another man over your husband is cheating. Yes, even if you and the other man supposedly aren't having sex. Stop lying. Stop taking the children away on a whim just to keep them from your husband. Stop endangering your children by exposing them to online strangers. And for pity's sake, stop demanding trust after you've spent years being patently untrustworthy. If any of this is in any way confusing or unclear, get yourself into therapy with a qualified mental health professional who can help you sort yourself out. You are not, and have apparently never been, marriage material. And you're quite possibly a danger to your children's both mental and physical health.

Some advice for Mr.: Get into therapy. Figure out what it is about you that has tolerated this relationship, and continues to tolerate it. An emotionally healthy person would have run for the hills years ago at the first sign of abusive behavior. You are as damaged as your wife is, if in different ways. Work on your self-esteem. Learn what a healthy relationship should look like. Fix your picker. Then you can decide what you'd like to do about your marriage - from a place of strength, rather than weakness, neediness, or a martyr complex.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

" its been made clear to me that if she has to choose, between us, it'll be these "friends", even though it'll would mean breaking up our family,"

Sir, make it so there is no choice for her. Kick her out. You do not have a family to break up. What you have is a woman with mental issues who is using and abusing you. Don't let your children see this for one more day - if you think you are hiding her poor treatment of you from them, you are kidding yourself. She has humiliated you, taken your business to neighbors, and on and on and on.

Get into a support group. Get into therapy Get an attorney. Get out.


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## cdtaylor3 (Feb 6, 2018)

So, first of all, the incident I said about at the end of my post was 16 years ago. This “mess” has since we’ve been married. A LOT has happened.

I haven’t said she’s having an affair- a friend observed her FB activity and said it looked like a possibility with that guy in the crowd that she was visiting, and then as I’ve said above it, really looks damning, doesn’t it? I don’t know if there has been, and this was what I had hoping that people here could explain; how bad it looks, and how her poor her actions have been.

It’s very, very early days, but remorse is there; tears (not crocodile ones, I can tell), she accepts she’s been a “**** wife, that’s brought me immense pain.”, she’s becoming obedient.

please I just want a peaceful debate.


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## cdtaylor3 (Feb 6, 2018)

Thank you Rowan, that’s exactly the kind of response I’m looking for. 

I knew this was going to touch nerves for a lot of people.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

you need us to explain that your wife living elsewhere with 'friends' for a week or so at a time and meeting and talking with dudes looks bad?

really?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You keep pushing off replies you are getting by labeling them as you "touched a nerve" in some people. Um no. It's just that your story and your wife's HORRIBLE behavior is just THAT extreme.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

In my view the problem is everything you do screams "I'M A DOORMAT!", and so you wife continues to treat you like one. I hate to tell you this but you had better lean to start manning up and by that I mean you should probably start by dumping your wife if she is really treating you so poorly. As it stand you are allowing all this to happen, even encouraging it.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

cdtaylor3 said:


> all I want is for people to help her understand why trust is an issue and why I don’t want her visiting that place anymore.


You've used the word "trust" once or twice, but I don't really see this as a trust issue. It's not (just) that you *suspect* she's maybe being (physically) unfaithful when there. 
It's that you *know for certain* that she's doing quite inappropriate things: taking the children against your express wishes. Talking to others about you in a very negative way, including your sex life. I would find that an intolerable disloyalty. 

I am not in a position to know whether any mental condition she may have, makes it impossible for her to understand that those things would make you unhappy. A few of things you've said, though, make it seem unlikely. Equally, I have no way to know if you have, in some way you've not mentioned, been horrible to her. Here, the presumption has to be that we're on your side, and we believe your version of the story. However just as she's told _her _version to her friends, you could be paralleling that behaviour here, I guess. 

At the end of the day, you have to decide if you're in or out. But I don't think it's about whether you can trust her. You already know what she's been capable of.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

cdtaylor3 you are seriously codependant and you are an abused husband. She has abused you in every way a woman can abuse her husband: physical violence, mental, verbal and emotional abuse, neglect, adultery... the list goes on and on. 

You need to go see a counselor, and then you need to go see a lawyer and get away from this vampire.


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## cdtaylor3 (Feb 6, 2018)

Thank you, Laurentium. And that’s key; this is written by me, however it is by her consent; she will be seeing this and all the replies so I’ve done my best to restrain hurt on my part.

All I’m interested in in is; can people help convey how serious her behaviour is? and also explain that even if she is a “different person” now, can people explain that I’m not “dwelling”.

If she hasn’t physically/emotionally cheated while away, and she is genuinely doing a U turn on her behaviour, I might be able to move forward with that.

Feeling “safe” is an odd thing to say, very definitely. Given she claims no recollection of hurting me, I’m inclined there is a mental health problem.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

cdtaylor's wife:
why does it need to be explained to you that cheating on your husband is a bad thing?

i'm sorry your husband is still dwelling on a bunch of things you hoped he had totally swept under the rug.

really though i hope he finds the courage to leave you

edit: why are you sticking around ruining his life? still need him to pay for your lover's kid's food?

edit 2: ok i can't help but be a super ******* posting in this thread so i'm going to stop.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

cdtaylor3 said:


> So, first of all, the incident I said about at the end of my post was 16 years ago. This “mess” has since we’ve been married. A LOT has happened.
> 
> I haven’t said she’s having an affair- a friend observed her FB activity and said it looked like a possibility with that guy in the crowd that she was visiting, and then as I’ve said above it, really looks damning, doesn’t it? I don’t know if there has been, and this was what I had hoping that people here could explain; how bad it looks, and how her poor her actions have been.
> 
> ...



You did not say if your wife was having an affair, but I would like to impress upon you that confirmation of an affair is a mute point. The other things you have said about the marriage lead me to think this marriage is not good for your mental health. She emasculates you, she is childish, she is unloving, she is selfish, she is abusive. These are not things that she is growing out of!

You sound like a very sweet man who is willing to accommodate nearly everything. Think about your wedding vows: love (probably not), honor (oh, definitely not), cherish (not even a smidge)

You say she is remorseful. Ok, that's a start. But honestly, her history is so bad that I think she needs to come to the remorse and realizations about what she has done outside the marriage - a separation - because she does not seem to have much character and you seem to be willing to take whatever scrap is thrown to you. She has not cherished you - she has made a laughing stock out of you, literally. For your own mental health, I think you need to consider separation while you both decide if you want to enter counseling and continue the marriage. 

She has taken your most personal thoughts and spread them around for a laugh. You should NOT be allowing her access to anything personal - thoughts, finances, sex. She has proven herself completely untrustworthy, and she has to re-gain your trust if she wants to be married to you. She does not get full access to you while she tries, if she tries. 

You need to take better care of yourself.

Sorry if this seems harsh to you. You are not in a run of the mill, I am not happy with my spouse type situation.


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## cdtaylor3 (Feb 6, 2018)

Hi all,

Thank you very much for your replies. I needed her to understand why simply “forgetting” about everything isn’t that easy, and definitely why visiting said people is now a “red line” for me. That it’s not punishment, but eventually enough actions lead to hard consequences. I’m going to a nearby beach for a walk and to read through these again and really weigh everything up.

Have a peaceful day.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

cdtaylor3 said:


> Thank you, Laurentium. And that’s key; this is written by me, however it is by her consent; she will be seeing this and all the replies so I’ve done my best to restrain hurt on my part.
> 
> All I’m interested in in is; can people help convey how serious her behaviour is? and also explain that even if she is a “different person” now, can people explain that I’m not “dwelling”.
> 
> ...


So if she has done these horrible things and doesn't remember doing them I'd agree she probably has a mental health problem. She should seek help for that. But you should separate yourself from someone who can hurt you so bad with so little thought that she doesn't even remember it. You will never be physically safe with someone like that and I believe you will have a much shorter life than you should if you remain. 

You should not feel safe, because you are not.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> So if she has done these horrible things and doesn't remember doing them I'd agree she probably has a mental health problem. She should seek help for that. But you should separate yourself from someone who can hurt you so bad with so little thought that she doesn't even remember it. You will never be physically safe with someone like that and I believe you will have a much shorter life than you should if you remain.
> 
> You should not feel safe, because you are not.


Also, your children ARE NOT SAFE with someone who behaves as you've described your wife behaving. If she can't remember being physically abusive to you, what guarantees do you have that she won't also physically abuse your children and then "forget" that too? She seems to somehow lack not just character, but the type of empathy that keeps most people from being dangerous to others. Seriously, if you get out of this marriage (and I really think you should) do whatever you can to protect your children from your wife's outrageous, unhealthy, emotionally damaging, and occasionally physically violent, behavior.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

cdtaylor3 said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Thank you very much for your replies. I needed her to understand why simply “forgetting” about everything isn’t that easy, and definitely why visiting said people is now a “red line” for me. That it’s not punishment, *but eventually enough actions lead to hard consequences*. I’m going to a nearby beach for a walk and to read through these again and really weigh everything up.
> 
> Have a peaceful day.


When?

When will it be enough though?

You have allowed *deplorable *treatment of yourself of many, many years?

What can possibly be *enough*?


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

cdtaylor3 said:


> Thank you, Laurentium. And that’s key; this is written by me, however it is by her consent; she will be seeing this and all the replies so I’ve done my best to restrain hurt on my part.
> 
> All I’m interested in in is; can people help convey how serious her behaviour is? and also explain that even if she is a “different person” now, can people explain that I’m not “dwelling”.
> 
> ...


ok, so you dont want people to really say whats on their minds, but you want us to convey it to your wife how serious it is? news flash for you: IT ISN'T SERIOUS FOR YOUR WIFE! it apparently isnt all that serious for you either. its not like you actually going to DO something about it. 

you literally asked your wife for permission to post on an anonymous forum?

hey, wife, this is me speaking to you: you have pretty much destroyed your husband. whatever strength he had before you married him his gone. you got what you wanted. thank the woman in the mirror.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Let me get this straight ...



You marry someone who is physically, verbally and emotionally abusive towards you ... from day 1 .... and you still go on to have kids with her.




Furthermore, she has emasculated and embarassed you to the point of almost driving you to suicide!




She has made it clear that just about anyone on this planet is more important to her than you.




And she has been cheating (at least emotionally although I am pretty sure she would have no problem on cheating physically) on you.




And you know that what she is doing is wrong. So you join this forum and then invite her here so that we can tell her what you already know.




And then, as if by some magic you say she is changed (although that sounds like it is a peace-keeping effort because you know she is here).




And then you think that is going to fix everything.




Now I'll say this - she is one ****ed up piece of work (no doubt about that), but you, my friend, take the cake here! You are seriously ****ed up in a different way. Who puts up with this [email protected] and then tries to tell us to mind our language when we talk about it! You need to fix yourself fast and get away from this toxic situation - and by fix yourself, I mean (and in this order), protect yourself financially and custody wise, get her out of your life, go for counselling (individual not marriage), do the 180, work on your health and appearance and build your confidence back up and then find someone who respects and loves you.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

It's evening where you are now, and you may be back from the beach. You have asked repeatedly for someone to explain why she can't continue to visit her "friends" and reconcile the relationship at the same time. Here is a lecture on the basis of a marriage relationship written to your wife but helpful to you as well. I have used nice language. I have refrained from accusations, and recommendations. I hope you both find it useful.

A close personal relationship such as marriage is built up like a brick wall. Each brick is an intimacy. A shared secret, or promise. When a person shares or publishes a shared secret, it can no longer be part of the wall. When a person breaks a promise it can no longer be a part of that wall. The overall sturdiness of the wall is what we call trust. Right now your marriage wall is full of holes. So many holes that it is crumbling. Instead of building the wall you have been building walls with friends. Those walls are now stronger than the marriage wall.

You could just pretend that you have a whole and healthy marriage wall. But if you try to sit on it you are going to have a nasty fall. So just saying we are working on this is not enough. There aren't enough bricks left in the wall to support your husband while you are away with your friends. When you leave he can see right through the holes in your marriage wall. He sees you building other walls with others. Sometimes using the very bricks (secrets) you took from the marriage wall. 

If you want to have a marriage wall (trust in your marriage) you are going to have to do 2 things. First you are going to have to make some new bricks. Share intimacies, make promises and keep them. Things like that. Second, you are going to have to stop removing bricks. One of the ways to preserve the bricks is to stop taking them to your friends. The other is to keep promises. This will not be easy. This will take a LOT of time. It could take more than six months before your marriage wall is strong enough to survive a night away. 

In a way it is natural for you to cling to the strongest walls, You have built those walls and you have maintained them. But if you are serious about the marriage then you will have to admit that you wrecked the wall that was most important. And you will have to do the heavy work of rebuilding it.

MN


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Quick reason WHY she can't see those "friends"? Because they are not and have NEVER BEEN friends of your marriage. Not only are they ONLY on her side, they aided her having at the VERY LEAST an Emotional Affair with that other man.
Her abuse was AWFUL. What was part of your marriage was nobody else's business and should NEVER have been discussed, especially in the awful way she went about it. 
Those friends, and ANY OTHERS who helped her disrespect you need to be cut off, as in NO contact whatsoever.

Honestly, I can't see how you would want to keep her around. If my wife did even .1% of what you said, I would be out. You should never have had to put up with this sort of abuse. YOU should try to get some individual counseling to see why you wouldn't stand up for yourself.

{EDT} BTW -- if the above sounds angry, sorry. I am angry FOR YOU that you had to go through this stuff..


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## cdtaylor3 (Feb 6, 2018)

Hi MN,

Thank you for a really inspirational reply. Thanks for being restrained, and peaceful in writing. I’m not going to pretend I’m perfect and innocent- one it started falling apart, so did I, and I became an ugly mess of a person that wasn’t great to be around. 
I believe it can be turned around, and you’ve put it so succinctly, I couldn’t really add anything else.

We value everything that everyone has said, because you’ve all taken the time to do so.

Also, thank you jlg07, for being restrained but also realistic. I only just saw your post.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

@cdtaylor3: Concerning the other man (OM) and how your weak marital boundaries allowed all this to happen. One of the most debated topics on this site is if martial boundaries should allow for opposite sex friends (OSF). There are many that think that there should be a marital boundary that does not allow for OSF. There are others that think that it is OK to have OSF as long as you have good marital boundaries concerning OSF; although everyone uses their own words, those that allow for OSF almost always require that OSF be a friend of the marriage and at least friendly with their spouse. Your wife's OM was not only not a friend of the marriage, he was an enemy of the marriage. If you stay in this marriage, you need to establish healthy martial boundaries.


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## cdtaylor3 (Feb 6, 2018)

Hi all,

She’s reading this thread this evening and we’ll talk about it afterwards. So I won’t add anything else yet, but I will give an update and would appreciate your advice. I’ve told no one about the last 18yrs, so you people here are the only support I have. 

Thanks to all of you,


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## Uselessmale (May 20, 2017)

Even I would have been gone along time ago. She is using you. Tell her to go visit him permanently.


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## cdtaylor3 (Feb 6, 2018)

Update; we’re having the talk Friday. At the mo, I have a one way plane ticket for myself to Europe and we’re going to think things through.

I’ll let update with how it goes tomorrow, thank you all again for replying to the thread.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Quit being a fool for punishment


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

cdtaylor3 said:


> Update; we’re having the talk Friday. At the mo, I have a one way plane ticket for myself to Europe and we’re going to think things through.
> 
> I’ll let update with how it goes tomorrow, thank you all again for replying to the thread.


Why a one way ticket to Europe ? And if you are in the UK, you are in Europe at the moment (until Brexit hits, and even then I am not too sure). Are you not from the UK and are you heading home ? And where is she from?


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

cdtaylor3 said:


> Hi all, just a quick response; thank you so far, but please remember that I asked “speak as you would like to be spoken”. She has changed, and I mean that, *but can we focus on explaining clearly why its no longer acceptable for her to visit this place if we are having a clean sheet?
> 
> *I knew this would be inflammatory and maybe raw to some members, but we are looking at a fresh start, in a fresh country, all I want is for people to help her understand why trust is an issue and why I don’t want her visiting that place anymore.
> 
> Thank you all, please keep adding your thoughts on this.


Does this really have to be explained to an adult?


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## cdtaylor3 (Feb 6, 2018)

Hi Malaise, both UK, I should have been clear but it was late at night; “mainland” Europe, I have work there in a few places and the intention was not to return to U.K. was going to be all of us.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

cdtaylor3 said:


> Hi Malaise, both UK, I should have been clear but it was late at night; “mainland” Europe, I have work there in a few places and the intention was not to return to U.K. was going to be all of us.


I find this confusing. I took your fist plane ticket post to mean you were going to leave her, but now it appears you're simply planning to move the family?


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## cdtaylor3 (Feb 6, 2018)

Only my ticket has been bought, and I was heading out a few weeks before my wife came along. Given that I’m finally going to take care of myself it can be left as that; just me alone, in a new country, new start, on my own. I just don’t have any more energy in my head to deal with this crap. I’ve looked at everyone’s comments and decided I’m not going to deal with it anymore.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

First sir; She is a spousal abuser. My client was in your shoes. She would make herself out to be an angel, while he was a horrible unreasonable monster. She was also hitting, and pushing. We told him to just leave. We told him to NEVER engage with his wife unless he had a voice recorder in his pocket. We told him that she would injure or kill him. I get a call, that she was arrested. The charge is attempt homicide. She pushed him down the basement stairs. She stood at the top of the stairs and said that nobody would ever believe him. He called the police from the bottom of the stairs, he said on the phone that his wife attempted to murder him. She laughed, and said that he would look ridiculous. When the police arrived, she said that he's a klutz and tripped, and he lies, he is a monster. The police huddle around him, and he pulls out the recorder and plays what happened. He said that when his wife heard the recording, she flew down the stairs, screaming you dirty f**k, now you are dead. She tried to jump over the cops to get the recorder. A very large officer, put her in handcuffs. When they locked around her wrists, she collapsed. He looked at her and smiled. She snarled at him at arraignment, bail was set high, and he refused to pay it, or get a bondsman. Her family did not have the money, so she spent the time between arrest and trial in lockup. While there, she was served with her divorce papers, a restraining order, and a directive from family court that temporary full custody had been granted to her STBX. She was tried, and copped to lesser charges of assault. She was released as her time in lockup counted toward her sentence. She entered court mandated anger management classes. She also made no attempt to cover her absolute hatred for her ex husband. He had gotten the better of her, and she could never get over that. She has been in and out of jail for the past few years. Usually it is for violating terms of the restraining order. She was going to get supervised visitation, then the youngest kid "aged out", elected to stay with his father, and now all the kids are estranged.


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## cdtaylor3 (Feb 6, 2018)

@Taxman : She says that she doesn’t remember the incidents. Are you a Lawyer? If so, do you know there is any precedent for that?


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I am not a lawyer, I am an accountant with a division of my practice dedicated to matrimonial issues, more or less I am the guy who untangles tangled finances and arrives at divisions of assets. I work with mediators, psychologists and paralegals. We try to take the lawyers out of the equation. I have clients that have been where you are. You must protect yourself. If she says that she cannot remember the incidents, she is building a case in her head, should you at some point decide to pursue legal action of some sort. The best advice I can give you is to buy and keep a voice activated recorder on you at all times. Secondarily, I would put surveillance cameras in strategic places in your home. There are many models of spy camera that can be hidden, and I urge you to do so. The one thing that a physical abuser does is escalate. You, therefore, are in danger. If she assaults you, and it is recorded, call the authorities immediately, and have her charged and arrested. Once there is a DV charge, you can proceed to orders of protection. 

Many men think that because they are physically more imposing discount their abusive spouse's capability to do harm. One of mine thought that his 120lb wife could never possibly harm him. A Louisville Slugger, applied to his bicep hard enough to shatter bone, proved him wrong. The only time it hit her, that she was doing wrong, was when the police cuffed her and put her in the back of a squad car. Then, suddenly, fear and regret hit. She begged for him to speak on her behalf at trial. She wanted him to say that he wanted her back and that he was sure she would never do it again. At trial, he did the opposite, he spoke of the PTSD that he now suffered from. He spoke of the complete loss of trust, that the woman he loved, could treat him in this manner. Had it been a jury trial, she would have gotten the chair. They had been separated since her arrest. He filed for divorce, and had her served. She was once again mad enough to assault him again, except this time, she was told that if she so much as drives down his street she is looking at months in the crowbar hotel. They are divorced. She is finding it difficult to restart her life with a criminal conviction.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

cdtaylor3 said:


> Only my ticket has been bought, and I was heading out a few weeks before my wife came along. Given that I’m finally going to take care of myself it can be left as that; just me alone, in a new country, new start, on my own. I just don’t have any more energy in my head to deal with this crap. I’ve looked at everyone’s comments and decided I’m not going to deal with it anymore.


OK, you go to mainland Europe. Working a new job. Starting fresh??
You go alone.

Do you plan on filing for divorce?
Are you going to see a barrister for legal advice prior to leaving?

While gone, are you going to offer financial support?
If not, can they bring charges against you, force support from you? Even after Brexit?


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## cdtaylor3 (Feb 6, 2018)

I’d never just leave them in the ditch; 50% plus the house, then just leave me alone.

I need to make clear; the hitting stopped a long time ago, it’s everything else that’s going on in the here and now. The biggest problem is she doesn’t “get” what she’s done wrong, and just wants to carry on doing what she wants in and out of the relationship ignoring the mountain of **** we’ve already got, and then doing more to make it even worse.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Hey...Mrs Taylor. Let your husband go and let him find someone kind and decent to spend his life with. You don’t need to be married to anyone


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Sir, you have been physically and mentally abused. I urge you to seek help. Start by seeing a therapist, they will direct you. In the meantime, please keep a voice activated recorder on you at all times. If she physically abuses you, you will have evidence. As I have said before, I had a client whose wife physically abused him, one day she went too far, and he called police. They found him at the bottom of the basement stairs, she had pushed him. He recorded it, and played it for the police. She used to taunt him that the police would never believe that she was abusing him. A recording changed that.

If at all possible, get away from this. Get a lawyer, and get out.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

cdtaylor3 said:


> I need to make clear; the hitting stopped a long time ago, it’s everything else that’s going on in the here and now. The biggest problem is she doesn’t “get” what she’s done wrong, and just wants to carry on doing what she wants in and out of the relationship ignoring the mountain of **** we’ve already got, and then doing more to make it even worse.


She 'gets' it just fine.

There's a HUGE difference between 'not getting it' and *not giving a crap*.

In your case, it's definitely the latter.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

So, OP, you're just going to leave the country and leave _your children_ in the sole care of a woman whom you've described as dangerously abusive? Really?


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

https://youtu.be/iQgMXOW0FLU


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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