# When is it acceptable...?



## darkfilly (Mar 7, 2014)

To hide things from your spouse?

I was looking in my husband's file cabinet for some empty file folders when I discovered a small dildo hidden way at the back. I felt uncomfortable for having found it, and wondered what on earth he used it for since it is so small. 

Then I started wondering if he had hidden anything else from me. I have been feeling worried all day. So my question is, when is it acceptable to hide things from your spouse? I don't want to over react, but this thing is really bugging me. I think that I am more upset with the fact that it was hidden than with the object itself. Do you think he is right in concealing this from me?


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Well if he masturbates he probably uses it then, if he has never used the toy with you.

He could be to embarrassed to tell you he would use something on himself, unless you think he would cheat and he uses it then. Honestly it would bother me too.


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## darkfilly (Mar 7, 2014)

Thank you, I feel somewhat validated. I can't really talk to him about it, because he would think I was snooping...


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

People hide things from their spouse when they know their wrong, or if they are embarrassed of their behavior, or they think you will judge them. 

I don't blame you for being upset but I wouldn't make too much of a deal to him... how you handle this will affect whether or not he will open up to you or not.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Except for exercising ones bodily functions, IMHO with extremely rare exception, there should be no privacy within a loving and committed marital relationship! *


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## darkfilly (Mar 7, 2014)

I guess as I think more about this, I don't like him keeping things from me. I am pretty open with him. I never do anything in private that I would be ashamed to admit to him. I am not comfortable about this at all. If he is using a sex toy, I would like to participate, to bring us closer. I feel left out. We hardly have sex as it is.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

darkfilly said:


> Thank you, I feel somewhat validated. I can't really talk to him about it, because he would think I was snooping...


If you can't discuss it with him, you have some serious issues in your marriage that need to be addressed. In marriage, husband and wife are supposed to have each other's backs and help each other through life. There should be no secrets unless these secrets are like gifts or something similar.

If his filing cabinet is off limits, that right there would be a problem. Looking for empty folders is a perfectly legitimate thing to do. Finding a dildo in the cabinet is odd.

If he told you he wanted to use a dildo, how would you respond? Would you listen and hear what he had to say and speak to him with love or would you shame him and make him feel nasty for wanting such a thing? Does your husband feel embarrassed talking about intimate things? You two should be able to discuss anything with each other without fear. That is part of what marriage should be.


darkfilly said:


> I guess as I think more about this, I don't like him keeping things from me. I am pretty open with him. I never do anything in private that I would be ashamed to admit to him. I am not comfortable about this at all. If he is using a sex toy, I would like to participate, to bring us closer. I feel left out. We hardly have sex as it is.


Of course you want him to talk to you and include you. That is a normal feeling. I would feel uncomfortable if I found something like that and my husband hadn't uttered a word about it.

Why do you hardly have sex? How often is hardly?


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## darkfilly (Mar 7, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> If you can't discuss it with him, you have some serious issues in your marriage that need to be addressed. In marriage, husband and wife are supposed to have each other's backs and help each other through life. There should be no secrets unless these secrets are like gifts or something similar.
> If his filing cabinet is off limits, that right there would be a problem. Looking for empty folders is a perfectly legitimate thing to do. Finding a dildo in the cabinet is odd.


I would like to discuss it with him but he doesn't know that I know about it. The file cabinet is not off limits, but I am just worried that he would suspect that I had been snooping. 


CynthiaDe said:


> If he told you he wanted to use a dildo, how would you respond? Would you listen and hear what he had to say and speak to him with love or would you shame him and make him feel nasty for wanting such a thing? Does your husband feel embarrassed talking about intimate things? You two should be able to discuss anything with each other without fear. That is part of what marriage should be.


I would be open to him using a dildo. He does feel embarrassed to talk about such things although I do not. 


CynthiaDe said:


> Of course you want him to talk to you and include you. That is a normal feeling. I would feel uncomfortable if I found something like that and my husband hadn't uttered a word about it.
> Why do you hardly have sex? How often is hardly?


He has a low libido and mine is very high. This is why I feel hurt that he is hiding this thing of a sexual nature.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

If you can be fair and gentle about it, telling him you found this might just be a way to open up conversations about sex that might lead to more sex??

If you are hurt and mad about it, that will show through and he will not talk to you about it at all. But if you are curious, open, and maybe a little turned on (even if only at the thought that there might be more and deeper sexuality within him that you can explore together) you will get better results. And maybe even really fun results.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I know what the small dildo was for. It was for anal stimulation. Been there and done that. Apparently your husband is not comfortable in discussing his sexual fetishes, kinks or fantasies with you and feels that he had to hide his dirty little secrets from you. That is a problem of communication. What I like about my wife is that I can ask her to try anything and she will no matter what, even yucky stuff. Our girlfriend was the same way.

You should mention the dildo you found and tell your husband that he can tell you about any sexual fetishes or kinks he has without judgement. I am married for 44 years and have a great sex life because we were always open about our sexual needs. Our sex toys are in the same drawers and nothing is hidden. We have tried all of the main fetishes and some not so well known ones. Great sex and marriage comes from great communication. A good way to start is to search online for a list of fetishes and then both you and your husband mark them as willing to try, like to try and no way. Then compare lists and find common sexual interests. 

Keep in mind that a kink is something that you want to do but a fetish is something that you have to do or it will gnaw away at you until fed. It even drives people to cheat. I am often amazed at how little couples communicate on a deeper level than they do, by reading posts all over the internet. Husbands and wives not telling each other what they like done during sex and being unhappy as a result. Men have a Prostate and when stimulated will produce an orgasm. Does not mean he is gay or anything, just that he enjoys anal stimulation as many men do. It feels good and should not be something to be ashamed of. Good luck and open the lines of sexual communication so that no one has to hide anything.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

darkfilly said:


> I guess as I think more about this, I don't like him keeping things from me. I am pretty open with him. I never do anything in private that I would be ashamed to admit to him. I am not comfortable about this at all. If he is using a sex toy, I would like to participate, to bring us closer. I feel left out. We hardly have sex as it is.


Number one rule of having a good marriage is you have to talk about things, even difficult things. You weren't snooping so you did nothing wrong. Though I am one to believe a marriage shouldn't have secrets. 

Don't let him shut you down by saying you were snooping. You did nothing wrong! Don't accept any blame. 

Talk to him. If you do maybe he will let you in and you will have more sex. It is not good though that you hardly have sex at all.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> If you can be fair and gentle about it, telling him you found this might just be a way to open up conversations about sex that might lead to more sex??
> 
> If you are hurt and mad about it, that will show through and he will not talk to you about it at all. But if you are curious, open, and maybe a little turned on (even if only at the thought that there might be more and deeper sexuality within him that you can explore together) you will get better results. And maybe even really fun results.


Do this. Best results ever.

Showing enthusiasm and non judgement open wonderful doors.

Hope you two have good healthy fun.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

First the specific issue since that's easy. 

He presumably is using the dildo for anal masturbation. Unfortunately receptive anal sex of any sort has often had very negative associations for men and many would worry about how their partners might react. 

If you are not bothered by this likely interest of his, then you can try a little anal play on him next time you are having sex and see how he reacts. 

If you are bothered by this, then you can see why he hid it. 

Its possible the dildo was something else, but I can't think of what.


The more general question on what to hide is more difficult. I think there are a set of things that its OK to hide from your spouse if they would disgust, or offend them. Its also OK to hide certain types of behavior that you believe are OK, but they do now. 

So, I close the bathroom door when I take a dump to avoid disgusting my wife. Its not really secret that my body functions normally, but she doesn't need to see it. 

I don't tell her about my masturbation because the idea seems to bother her, and she hides hers from me. I think masturbation is something all humans have a right to do so I hide it from her, 

I hide my discussion of my marriage / sex-life problems on this site because they would upset her, and she is not open to discussing them rationally. So I come her to discuss something that I should be able to discuss with my wife but cannot.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

IMO, we have a right to personal privacy, even in marriage. Our thoughts are our own, and some behaviors can be personal and private at one's discretion. Only when privacy causes more harm to the partner or relationship than good to the self, does it become questionable. Many people are ashamed of masturbation - they've often been indoctrinated to have that view - and men especially may feel anal stimulation is viewed with disgust, so will hide it. They're entitled to feel that way and do this privately, IMO - if they want to overcome this attitude, then great, or if a loving and caring partner can open a discussion non-judgmentally, then also great.

You have the larger issue of problems with sex in your marriage. This may not have anything to do with that - or a great deal. I think Faithful Wife's advice is good to follow if you pursue this.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Another angle is that he basically hid it in plain sight. You use the filing cabinet too. Why wouldn't he expect that you would find it eventually? The filing cabinet is not off limits. Don't be concerned about him thinking you were snooping. If he takes that approach, simply tell him that there is no reason you should be not in the filing cabinet and maybe he wanted you to find it.

Maybe he's kind of hoping you find it. The only way to find out is to ask him about it in a non-judgmental, loving way without worry about him seriously thinking you were snooping.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If the OP is happy to try anal play with her partner, then there is on particular reason to mention finding the dildo. She can just try a little of that and see how he reacts. 

If she isn't happy to try, then there is no reason to bring it up. 

Its possible the dildo is from long ago and he forgot he hid it there.


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## darkfilly (Mar 7, 2014)

I am so glad to have this support! There are a few things that I would like to clarify about my relationship. First of all, the dildo is new. He also has another toy that I know about. We had discussed anal stimulation on and off, and even went to a sex shop to buy a butt plug. It turned out that he found it uncomfortable so we tossed it. I have expressed time and again that I would be willing to give him anal pleasure but he never takes me up on it. This is why I am puzzled and hurt that he has finally acquired something for anal pleasure but won't share it with me. The thought of turning him on that way turns me on, because I love him and want him to be happy and satisfied. That he doesn't know this after I have told him time and again is bewildering. 

The fact too, that he is the LD partner is also frustrating. He knows that I masturbate; I have no reason to hide this fact from him. Yet he wants to hide sexual matters from me. I can't help but feel that he is not making the effort to improve our love life. By keeping secrets from me, he is causing me to mistrust him and wonder what else he is hiding for whatever reasons he may have.

I do think that the suggestion that I introduce anal play into the picture without mentioning the dildo is a good one. I want him to feel that he can hide things there, because if he knows that I found it, he may hide things someplace else!0

It is also interesting that he may have hidden it "in plain sight." I don't often go into his file cabinet, and the empty hanging files that I wanted were right at the front of the drawer but I am not sure what prompted me to look in the back.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Hmm, its interesting that he has turned you down for anal play. 

Is it possible that he thought he would like it but doesn't? Another thought is that after the butt plug being uncomfortable, he decided to try something much smaller. Maybe he got the dildo after the last time he turned you down?

His being the LD partner does make it much more difficult. The entire LD/HD dynamic makes things really trick. There are also some people, I think more often LDs, who have an extremely difficult time talking about what they want sexually. (my wife is like that, its almost impossible to get her to actually tell me what she wants, I just need to try things and see if she says no). Really frustrating. 



darkfilly said:


> I am so glad to have this support! There are a few things that I would like to clarify about my relationship. First of all, the dildo is new. He also has another toy that I know about. We had discussed anal stimulation on and off, and even went to a sex shop to buy a butt plug. It turned out that he found it uncomfortable so we tossed it. I have expressed time and again that I would be willing to give him anal pleasure but he never takes me up on it. This is why I am puzzled and hurt that he has finally acquired something for anal pleasure but won't share it with me. The thought of turning him on that way turns me on, because I love him and want him to be happy and satisfied. That he doesn't know this after I have told him time and again is bewildering.
> 
> The fact too, that he is the LD partner is also frustrating. He knows that I masturbate; I have no reason to hide this fact from him. Yet he wants to hide sexual matters from me. I can't help but feel that he is not making the effort to improve our love life. By keeping secrets from me, he is causing me to mistrust him and wonder what else he is hiding for whatever reasons he may have.
> 
> ...


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## darkfilly (Mar 7, 2014)

Yes, I am sure that the dildo is fairly new. It doesn't look like it's been around awhile, like his other toy. 

The LD issue has been around since we married eight years ago. I have gotten resigned to self service most of the time but would like to make the times that we are together be more meaningful.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Just freaking ask him already. 

Hold it in your closed hand, sit across the table from him, then look him in the eye, unroll your hand, and say "What's this?".

You'll find his answer a heck of a lot more useful than any you'll get here.


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## darkfilly (Mar 7, 2014)

browser said:


> Just freaking ask him already.
> 
> Hold it in your closed hand, sit across the table from him, then look him in the eye, unroll your hand, and say "What's this?".
> 
> You'll find his answer a heck of a lot more useful than any you'll get here.


Well, thanks for replying. I have, on the contrary to what you say, found the replies I have gotten here to be very useful. Now I have a plan of action and I feel a lot better about the whole thing.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I don't know any guys that like stuff rammed up their a-holes, unless they are gay. I do love putting my wang into my fiance's a-hole when we're drunk. She loves it, even when some brown stuff gets transferred. 

Are there any hints he's gay? He doesn't want to have sex with you often, which is a big red flag. Anything else?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

darkfilly said:


> I am so glad to have this support! There are a few things that I would like to clarify about my relationship. First of all, the dildo is new. He also has another toy that I know about. We had discussed anal stimulation on and off, and even went to a sex shop to buy a butt plug. It turned out that he found it uncomfortable so we tossed it. I have expressed time and again that I would be willing to give him anal pleasure but he never takes me up on it. This is why I am puzzled and hurt that he has finally acquired something for anal pleasure but won't share it with me. The thought of turning him on that way turns me on, because I love him and want him to be happy and satisfied. That he doesn't know this after I have told him time and again is bewildering.
> 
> The fact too, that he is the LD partner is also frustrating. He knows that I masturbate; I have no reason to hide this fact from him. Yet he wants to hide sexual matters from me. I can't help but feel that he is not making the effort to improve our love life. By keeping secrets from me, he is causing me to mistrust him and wonder what else he is hiding for whatever reasons he may have.
> 
> ...


All completely reasonable and you need to say just this to him. He probably has some kind of shame about this because it's but stuff. But he needs to get over it if you are to have a good sex life. Have the talk.


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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

arbitrator said:


> *Except for exercising ones bodily functions, IMHO with extremely rare exception, there should be no privacy within a loving and committed marital relationship! *


Why exclude bodily functions?


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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

katiecrna said:


> People hide things from their spouse when they know their wrong, or if they are embarrassed of their behavior, or they think you will judge them.
> 
> I don't blame you for being upset but I wouldn't make too much of a deal to him... how you handle this will affect whether or not he will open up to you or not.


You left out "shame". Some folks are raised with a lot of shame when it comes to sexuality. Not to get weird here but almost everyone would not have sex in front of their children. For others even open affection in front of others is a no no. I know people that have smoked grass all their lives but would never tell their kids about it, even their adult children.

What I'm trying to say is that everyone has a set of boundaries they establish for themselves. Secrecy may even add to a persons excitement when they masturbate while others openly do it in front of each other for extra excitement. "I" know their adult kids get high and "they" know their kids get high but they never talk about it to each other.

I see you have been a member for a period of time. I'm sorry, I just joined so I have not read anything about you and your relationship before. I find that mates generally know their partners pretty well unless they really don't want to.

I see that a lot of times a posts comes out followed by details that extenuate or exacerbate everything said before. If you can do it without causing shame or embarrassment for him simply ask about it. If there is a problem best get at it right away. Afterall it's not a secret bank account.

BTW: I prefer to masturbate when my wife is out of the house. I have no idea if she does or not but it's her business. She is perfect in every way. Something like that is not a problem. 

Jealousy requires active participation.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

urf said:


> Why exclude bodily functions?


*Haven't you heard?

The Fifth Circiut Court of Appeals has unanimously ruled long ago that being subjected/confined to the restroom while I'm in there is deemed to be a gross violation of the U.S. Constitutional "cruel and unusual punishment clause!" *


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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

arbitrator said:


> *Haven't you heard?
> 
> The Fifth Circiut Court of Appeals has unanimously ruled long ago that being subjected/confined to the restroom while I'm in there is deemed to be a gross violation of the U.S. Constitutional "cruel and unusual punishment clause!" *


Oh.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

darkfilly said:


> Yes, I am sure that the dildo is fairly new. It doesn't look like it's been around awhile, like his other toy.
> 
> The LD issue has been around since we married eight years ago. I have gotten resigned to self service most of the time but would like to make the times that we are together be more meaningful.


Based on what I have read on this thread, as a guy I admit this one seems rather odd. If he has tried butt plugs before but found them uncomfortable then the notion of him going on his own and buying a dildo to further this area of his sexual exploration seems rather unlikely. 

I'm thinking more that it was a gag gift from his friends, perhaps to make fun of him a little because it was a "small" dildo. If this is the case and he actually saved it, perhaps he has clever plans to somehow regift it back as a way to get revenge. As in, "happy birthday Bob, your wife called and asked me to return this as you can't seem to get the job done all on your own these days!"


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

darkfilly said:


> To hide things from your spouse?
> 
> I was looking in my husband's file cabinet for some empty file folders when I discovered a small dildo hidden way at the back. I felt uncomfortable for having found it, and wondered what on earth he used it for since it is so small.
> 
> Then I started wondering if he had hidden anything else from me. I have been feeling worried all day. So my question is, when is it acceptable to hide things from your spouse? I don't want to over react, but this thing is really bugging me. I think that I am more upset with the fact that it was hidden than with the object itself. Do you think he is right in concealing this from me?



I have bought a few sex toys, and then settled on my latest one. Mrs.CuddleBug doesn't know. I don't use it to hurt or avoid her, I use it because she is LD.

That's the only thing I have hidden from Mrs.CuddleBug. Everything else she has 100% knowledge of and access.


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## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

Some good advice here so far....My thoughts is why the file cabinet....I assume it wasn't in the bedroom...and since he's LD he doesn't need a "wank" room and he knows you are pleasuring yourself and hasn't attempted to use on you...IDK something seems off to me...I'd ask him at this point....why hide that you found it...if he's doing himself with it and not including you seems like a huge issue to me...


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> I have bought a few sex toys, and then settled on my latest one. Mrs.CuddleBug doesn't know. I don't use it to hurt or avoid her, I use it because she is LD.
> 
> That's the only thing I have hidden from Mrs.CuddleBug. Everything else she has 100% knowledge of and access.


This is really interesting Cuddle. 

When things were bad (no sex) between us, I bought some sex toys. I briefly thought about hiding them (shame?) but then I decided to be just upfront about it - not for some moral reason of honesty - but because I couldn't be bothered with the worry of them being found and then having to explain myself. 

So I was just upfront about it...the funny thing was I think it was actually a turning point in our marriage because it spoke volumes about how I was feeling and that I was moving on without him one way or another. He was confronted with his own neglect of me, that I was indeed still the sexual person he married, that I WASN'T OK with no sex....sometimes actions speak louder than words.

What would your wife say if you told her about them? Would this shock her out of her complacency? I suspect there may be some projection in the way of shame and anger...but ultimately it will force her to think about you as a sexual person and not just the nice guy that hangs around the house.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

...


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## Kerry (Jan 9, 2009)

Hi there,

This is all just my opinion and some perspective for you. Every marriage is different and you have to form your own value system in your marriage.

I'm curious, are you saying that you hide absolutely nothing from him? There's nothing you do or have that you'd prefer he not know about? 



darkfilly said:


> I am pretty open with him.


If not, that's pretty amazing. Sometimes I do little things like eat a chocolate bar without telling my husband (I'm not overweight, I just enjoy some private time with chocolate now and again, lol). I also don't tell him every time I masturbate or how I did it. I could tell him and have, so he knows, but I'm not doing anything "wrong". I just don't want to tell him every single thing.

From my perspective, what I really wonder is why your husband may not want to tell you about something that has to do with making him feel good sexually (keep in mind, we have no idea why he has it or what he does with it). You going to him with any amount of judgment around it will only reinforce his reasons for hiding it.

I suggest you do a lot of journaling about this to get in touch with how you feel about it. Keep asking yourself, "what's wrong with having a dildo hidden away?" then answer that and keep asking "what's wrong with?". You'll be amazed at what you learn about how you feel about it!

Listening to all of us here on TAM is great, but you can become a ping-pong ball because we all have different opinions.

If you do approach, which I think is wise, I'd do it with a kind and playful heart. You could just tell him how you found it, that you didn't mean to and you were conflicted between respecting his privacy and wanting to know more about it in case there is something you could explore together sexually. Be his friend not his mother. 

HTH!
Kerry


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

darkfilly said:


> Well, thanks for replying. I have, on the contrary to what you say, found the replies I have gotten here to be very useful. Now I have a plan of action and I feel a lot better about the whole thing.


All I read prior to your post claiming you received good replies was:

1- Several guesses as to the purpose of the dildo, at least one of which you ruled out others include "he's gay", "it was a gag gift"
2- Advice that says "if you have secrets in a marriage you're in trouble"
3- Advice such as mine that says "ask him"

Since you don't like my advice which is to simply ask him, then what's your plan of action from all the useful replies you say you have received?

The only possible course of action I can see from the posts and your response is you're going to shove a sex toy up his ass and see how he responds and I don't personally think that's the best way to handle this particular situation.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its pretty common. Gay and straight men have the same nerve endings so they actually enjoy a lot of the same things. The difference is that gay men enjoy doing those things with other men, and straight men enjoy doing them with women. 

I've always found the association of male anal penetration with homosexuality to be odd. I believe the most common sexual activity between gay men is oral sex, but somehow enjoying a BJ isn't seen as meaning a guy is gay. 







GuyInColorado said:


> I don't know any guys that like stuff rammed up their a-holes, unless they are gay. I do love putting my wang into my fiance's a-hole when we're drunk. She loves it, even when some brown stuff gets transferred.
> 
> Are there any hints he's gay? He doesn't want to have sex with you often, which is a big red flag. Anything else?


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## Kerry (Jan 9, 2009)

I'm curious why it is wrong for a guy to have a play toy tucked away? Even if he does masturbate with it, what is the big deal? I do it, it's not a crime.

Make it a small issue, be sweet about it, be genuine and honest and stop putting your projections (and other's) onto it. All this chatter here is just filling your head with things that may not be true. Poor guy has no idea that all these people are talking about a dildo that he may have forgotten about.

Just talk to the guy and remember, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar!


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Kerry said:


> I'm curious why it is wrong for a guy to have a play toy tucked away? Even if he does masturbate with it, what is the big deal? I do it, it's not a crime.


It depends on why the play toy is tucked away without the other spouse being aware of it.

If the play toy is tucked away simply because its something that the tucker didn't think was worth mentioning then well, I guess it's innocent enough.

If the play toy is tucked away because the tucker is embarassed, or hiding something more sinister (such as a gay fantasy), or using it on or with someone else, then there are problems here, such as bad communication, lack of trust, infidelity, and/or a sexual gender preference that is not in line with the chosen partner, any and all of which are relationship destroyers.


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## darkfilly (Mar 7, 2014)

browser said:


> It depends on why the play toy is tucked away without the other spouse being aware of it.
> 
> If the play toy is tucked away simply because its something that the tucker didn't think was worth mentioning then well, I guess it's innocent enough.
> 
> If the play toy is tucked away because the tucker is embarassed, or hiding something more sinister (such as a gay fantasy), or using it on or with someone else, then there are problems here, such as bad communication, lack of trust, infidelity, and/or a sexual gender preference that is not in line with the chosen partner, any and all of which are relationship destroyers.


This is my concern. That he is using it on someone else or even having, not exactly gay fantasies but bi-fantasies. I also discovered that another sex toy that he owns, a Fleshlight, has gone missing, come back then gone missing again. Now I am really concerned.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Why not just ask...'why is there a dildo in your file cabinet?' Simple as that. Never be afraid to ask an honest question. It's a dildo, not a video game collection. Not that he needs to tell you his every move, but a dildo hidden away ...I'd wonder.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Kerry said:


> I'm curious why it is wrong for a guy to have a play toy tucked away? Even if he does masturbate with it, what is the big deal? I do it, it's not a crime.


It's an issue in this case because sex is an issue in their marriage. He's not having sex with his wife, so why does he need a toy? She's feeling "left out" for want of a better expression and I can completely understand why.

The issue isn't the toy itself, it's the lack of sex and why he'd need one if he's not that into sex.



darkfilly said:


> This is my concern. That he is using it on someone else or even having, not exactly gay fantasies but bi-fantasies. *I also discovered that another sex toy that he owns, a Fleshlight, has gone missing, come back then gone missing again. Now I am really concerned*.


Ding ding!! Whoa...ok...time for a talk with him. I'd be concerned about that too. Dont give him any warning, just come right out with it - show him what you found, and ask where the other one went and why is it now back. You're his wife, it's your right to know if he's up to something.

If you surprise him with it, he won't have time to make up bs answers...you're more likely to get the truth.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I don't see a cause for concern about him playing with others unless there is other evidence.

Is there any reason to think he is using a dildo on someone else? If its another man, then neither has the need for a dildo. If its a woman, a very small dildo is not a common toy. Its possible, but it seems pretty unlikely to me. 

Maybe he hid the fleshlight somewhere else. Or maybe he was embarassed and threw it out, then got another. Some men are very easily embarrassed and guilty about their masturbation habits. 

Most likely he is using the dildo and fleshlight together to masturbate. That is a really quick and intense way for men to get off. 

The real problem I see is that he is doing this while LD. Can you think of any reason he might masturbate rather then have sex with you. (not your fault!, just looking for some possible explanation). 






darkfilly said:


> This is my concern. That he is using it on someone else or even having, not exactly gay fantasies but bi-fantasies. I also discovered that another sex toy that he owns, a Fleshlight, has gone missing, come back then gone missing again. Now I am really concerned.


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## GPC2012 (Feb 13, 2017)

is it possible that it is a long lost thing from before you were together? Could it belong to anyone else (I know that sounds odd but just be certain) and last the imp in me says to go out and buy a humongous one and replace it. You should hear him scream when he finds it. Then tell him that's the size you want. The last of course is if you have the kind of relationship that will tolerate that.


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