# Husband not attracted to me?



## RunnerGirl (Feb 20, 2010)

My husband has told me he's not attracted to me anymore. I'm not sure what to do. I don't think it's physical; I am in excellent shape, still young (25), and most people tell me I'm beautiful. I certainly haven't changed much since we met. I'm left to think it's sexual incompatibilities but I'm not sure what to do about that.

For a long time, he's only wanted blowjobs. I tried to oblige, though it has reduced since our daughter was born (She's a year old) from 1-2 a day to 1-2 a week, which I know makes him unhappy. It's partially time- he travels a lot and when he's home we have a toddler about- but honestly it's also because only giving blowjobs and him never wanting to have sex makes me feel extremely ugly.

Anyways, when we met, we met on a BDSM website. I was 19 and he was 30. He is very into the dominant and sadistic side of things. I was a good match at 19, but as I've gotten older and matured, while I still enjoy being more submissive sexually, I have become more aggressive in bed and not at all submissive outside of the bedroom -- and not very masochistic (beyond very light play) at all. So I don't turn him on anymore. I'm not sure what to do. I'm less attracted to him, too- he's gotten to the point of morbid obesity- but I can work past this... But his problems with me, I don't think I can change this. It's who I am. I didn't intend on tricking him, but who I am and what I want has changed. I'm willing to try some things but the levels of sadomasochism he enjoys actually cause me to freak out even if I'm trying to make him happy- like I can't even control it, I have to make him stop and get away. I never intended for my desires to change... and I am in general very openminded sexually so the higher levels of sadomasochism is one of the few things I really truly dislike... and I don't even know what to say about my personality outside of bed getting more aggressive and less submissive... confidence in myself has changed that. I can't (and don't really want to, it has served me well in other arenas - especially being a mom) change it back.

I told him it was okay if he sought this out elsewhere -as I always knew it was a part of him and that he needs it satiated somehow in a way I seem to be unable to now- but he recently said that it makes him want to leave the marriage when he's "looking."

So I'm at the point that I'm not sure what to do. He's not attracted to me. I don't know what to do to fix it. We have almost no sex anymore, and when we do it feels forced... blowjobs slightly more often but only that still makes me doubt myself a lot. I'm a very sexual person and I hate going without. 

I have found myself flirting just to remind myself most men find me very attractive... as unsavory as that sounds. 

On the other side, however, we have a child together. Can we break up a marriage over something like this? 

I know this is a little off-norm, but I would appreciate any suggestions. I'm certainly willing to try anything.


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## goincrazy (Feb 20, 2010)

This doesn't sound good. He obviously cares nothing at all about pleasuring you (which sounds all too familiar to me). If he's not attracted to you now, how is it going to be when you're older? Most guys would kill for 1-2 blow job/week. You are still young, and if things don't change in time then you should consider your other options. You have your whole life ahead of you.


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

Hi Runnergirl, briefly: from what you've said, it sounds like your man is stuck within the narrow confines of a redundant sexual 'script'. You have grown and he hasn't. In that sense I suspect you have left him behind and reversed the established power-dynamic. His stated loss of interest reads to me like a post-script. I have just a little experience of the fetish scene - not BDSM though - and it seems to me that much as sexuality is amplified by a fetish, so too are problems once divergence sets in.

I wonder if in other respects yours is a healthy, happy relationship? Do you have good times going out, seeing friends and family and above all with your little child? I can't quite get a sense of the vitality of your relationship outside the bedroom. 

You ask if you can break up your marriage over the sexual problem - lots of people would. But there are other options too. You might choose to make your peace with the limitations. You might choose to seek sexual fulfillment outside your marriage while staying together for the sake of your child. Or maybe you will both be able to open up to each other as never before and rediscover each other afresh? Only you can answer that.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Sounds pretty broken to me. Meaning, I agree he seems VERY focused on his needs and not really at all interested in yours.
Everyone matures and ideas change. I like to say we evolve as we grow older. If your relationship is close, you tend to evolve together because you care enough about each other that the divide never really grows that great. Mainly because you're each focused on the others needs.

Sit down and talk. I really like trying at all costs, but it very well may be that the differences are too great and the best thing is to be separate. A bad thing is surely to stay together for the sake of the marriage... marriage is two people who want to be together, appreciate and care for each other... if that is not the case, there is not marriage, only pain and discomfort.

Good luck! 
Get him to agree to work together, or start thinking about being on your own. Procrastination should not be an option


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## rachelrachiru (Sep 16, 2010)

hi ,i personally feels that he is attracted to somebody else rather than you although you're still young and pretty. Am sad to hear that you guys have got a kids together. Broken family will definately affect the poor/innocent child. 

Try to have a talk with him and to understand what is happening with him before making any further decision. Am sure you're hot coz you're still young. Sex is not the matter of looks and age, it's more of "feeling". It's really scary when our husband doesnt focus in us. 

Try all the way to recover this relationship. All the best runnergirl. Stay positive always !


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## rachelrachiru (Sep 16, 2010)

rachelrachiru said:


> hi ,i personally feels that he is attracted to somebody else rather than you although you're still young and pretty. Am sad to hear that you guys have got a kids together. Broken family will definately affect the poor/innocent child.
> 
> Try to have a talk with him and to understand what is happening with him before making any further decision. Am sure you're hot coz you're still young. Sex is not the matter of looks and age, it's more of "feeling". It's really scary when our husband doesnt focus in us.
> 
> Try all the way to recover this relationship. All the best runnergirl. Stay positive always !


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

Forgive me because I'm not really in the know about these things, but I did read somewhere that BDSM isn't all about sex. It's about the power relationship. If this is true, would it be possible for him to get his "BDSM fix" from a professional? They have professional dominatrixes for that I know but is there such a thing as a professional masochist? I was thinking maybe he could get that need filled from a professional, but the rest of the needs would be with you. I read a few times about couples doing this, except one of them saw a dominatrix (as opposed to a masochist professional, if there is such a thing!) and they claimed it works very well.

Just thinking outside the box, anyway.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Is he this selfish in other areas, or just here? If it's just in sex, I'd say perhaps you can talk to him and get things to change. But if he's like this in other ways, then I don't really see what the point in staying would be. Yes, divorce is hard on a child, but not as hard as living in a tension-filled home where mom and dad don't get along or even like each other. 

BDSM can very much be a way of life for some people. For others, it's nothing more than a fetish they like to indulge in from time to time, or only in certain ways, or even just a fantasy that they would never play out in real life. And the role it plays in your life can change. Years ago, I would have never allowed a man to tie me up; the very thought was enough to give me a panic attack. Then I met my boyfriend. Merely the thought of letting him tie me up and do whatever he wants to me can turn me on. 

There is nothing wrong with realizing that your feelings on this have changed, and if he tells you differently, ignore him. If he respects and loves you at all, he should listen to you and understand. 

I'm not sure I agree with allowing him to go outside your marriage to fulfill this, but that is up to you. You know what you can live with. HOWEVER, I must say, that if you are going to allow him to go outside the marriage to get his needs filled, then you need to figure out a way to get your needs filled and make it happen, otherwise all you'll be doing is perpetuating the same old pattern of him being selfish and you letting him have his way, and that doesn't do anything.


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