# Wife was sexting.. And also having PA..



## justanotherguy80

Almost 4 years ago i cought my wife sexting a coworker. I confronted her pretty early with this after having a suspicion for a few weeks. Found out by checking her phone and installing spyware. I never told how i caught her. Anyway.. She did everything i asked after this, and we have both agreed to be 100% open from that point on and also to work and have focus on the relationship. Everything has been going real well so far. She says she loves me daily. And seems to be content with our lovelife, our 2 kids and everything.

In the meanwhile:
After the first incident i installed a hidden cam in the bedroom. Maybee it was paranoia or curiosity taking hold of me but i could not help myself but installing this for a safety net as to know what my wife was up to. 

I havent been checking the cam for a while, but i did now. And when i was away for a day i checked. She was taking naked pics of herself. I recieved none of theese pics so im guessing it was for someone else by snapchat.

Question is: should or can i confront?

I feel bad enough for having the cam up still. I almost certain i will wait to see how this plays out without telling about the hidden cam. At the same time i also wish to give her privacy. 

Thanx for reading this. Im sure im leaving out details but i had to vent this out quickly.


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## Tatsuhiko

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Once she broke your trust, you earned the right to keep an eye on her. Sounds like she's up to her old tricks. If you can get a higher-resolution camera or install it closer to where she uses her phone, maybe you can record her entering her PIN/password, or at least verify that she's sending images. Some people have successfully put a camera in a light fixture. I don't know how Snapchat works. I know that messages and photos get destroyed, but you could at least get to her contact list and try to message some of the guys. "Remember those photos I sent? Which was your favorite?"

Once you have adequate evidence, I think you should file for divorce this time around. Obviously your confrontation 4 years ago had little effect on her. Divorce would send a strong signal and could be stopped at any point if she showed sufficient remorse and got herself some therapy.

NEVER reveal your intelligence sources. Just tell her that you KNOW what's been going on and ignore her questions about how you know.


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## VladDracul

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Agree. Its a little too early to show your hand. I know you hope to squelch it early on but you need to let her get a little further out on the limb. The harder the fall the better the lesson.


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## Evinrude58

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Get irrefutable, powerful , unspinnablevevidence before confronting. Serve her with divorce papers and evidence in an envelope at the same time. 

I think you should divorce her, but at the very least you should scare the hell out of her.

I doubt it ever will stop. As soon as she gets comfortable she'll be at it again.

Btw, I'll bet 5$ that she will say she was only taking the pictures to see how she looked naked since she's been trying to lose weight, and nobody ever saw them but her--- or some other equally ludicrous story.

Need hard proof for a serial cheater, bro. Must be undeniable.


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## Thor

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Rule #1 is never ever reveal your source of information. So you cannot confront meaningfully yet.

Rule #2 is don't confront until you have iron clad proof. She'll just spin and deny (also called Gas Lighting).

But here's the thing, you don't have to prove anything to her. If you know she is cheating or has broken the terms of an agreement, you are fully within your rights to divorce her without any further ado.

Are you looking to divorce her if she is indeed sexting? Or are you looking to stay married if you can get her to stop this behavior? If it is the latter, you do need iron clad proof so you can impress upon her that you have no doubts about what she is doing. If it is the former, you need to gather intel to your satisfaction of what she is doing.

If she is taking photos they may still be on her phone, even if deleted. One option is for you to run a recovery program on her phone (or the backup on her computer) to see what photos or text messages may have been deleted. Simply looking at her photos on her phone might find the photos, too.

Your phone bill may show who she is texting the photos to if she is sending them as regular text messages rather than within a Snapchat type of app.

You could put a camera, well hidden, at an angle which captures what she is doing after she takes the photo. For example, is she just looking at it or is she typing stuff in (as in putting words to go with the picture in a message to someone).

A VAR in her car may well capture phone conversations she's having with men she is sending the photos to.

Don't say anything to her until you have gathered all the evidence you are able to.


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## DEMI6

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

If I have to do all that investigation I don't want it

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-J320AZ using Tapatalk


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## GusPolinski

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Get your hands on her phone AND the phone bill prior to confronting, and say NOTHING to her about the camera.

She still working with the guy she was sexting 4 years ago?


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## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Shes not working with him (coworker) anymore and she still has some contact with the guy. Shes actually open about this, but not has to how. I know its snapchat because i have pincode and youre always able to see last recipiants. 

I think i will just sit tight for a while to see if this is a reoccouring thing and find some way to discreetly gather evidence (if there is any). I guess easiest and fastest way would ne to hack phone and snapchat somehow. Not sure if this even exists. 

Sent fra min SM-G925F via Tapatalk


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## GusPolinski

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Look into an app called Womdershare Dr. Fone, especially if she uses an iPhone.


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## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Shes using a sony xperia (android). Looks like i somehow have to root the phone to be able to do this.


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## arbitrator

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

*Your getting closer and closer to having the irrefutable evidence that you'll need to confront!

Until then, do nothing and say nothing ~ as having that information at hand will ultimately strengthen your hand of cards in the confrontation as well as in the divorce-filing process!

Once that you've attained the sufficient evidence, then would be the time to schedule a visit with a good family attorney to have them fully explore your all of your legal options! 

At the same time would be in your best interests to embrace "the 180," which you can find numerous links for here on TAM! 

Best of luck to you, my friend! Welcome to TAM ~ sorry to see you here, but you've come to the best possible place for help and advice!*


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## MattMatt

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Get a VAR hidden in the bedroom.


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## GusPolinski

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Shes not working with him (coworker) anymore and she still has some contact with the guy. Shes actually open about this, but not has to how. I know its snapchat because i have pincode and youre always able to see last recipiants.
> 
> I think i will just sit tight for a while to see if this is a reoccouring thing and find some way to discreetly gather evidence (if there is any). I guess easiest and fastest way would ne to hack phone and snapchat somehow. Not sure if this even exists.


Also, no contact -- as in for any reason, EVER again -- should've been rule #1 for reconciliation.

This should have been 111.11% non-negotiable.

Also, ephemeral messaging of any kind should have been off limits.


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## GusPolinski

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Shes using a sony xperia (android). Looks like i somehow have to root the phone to be able to do this.


That's going to be the case with pretty much any Android device.

Do you have her screen lock code, Google Play ID and password, email and social media passwords, etc?

Does she have two-factor authentication enabled on any of her accounts?

Also, what kind of phone do _you_ use?


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## straightshooter

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Almost 4 years ago i cought my wife sexting a coworker. I confronted her pretty early with this after having a suspicion for a few weeks. Founs out nt checking her phone. She did everything i asked after this, and we have both agreed to be 100% open from that point on and also to work and have focus on the relationship. Everything has been going real well so far. She says she loves me daily. And seems to be content with our lovelife, our 2 kids and everything.
> 
> In the meanwhile:
> After the first incident i installed a hidden cam in the bedroom. Maybee it was paranoia or curiosity taking hold of me but i could not help myself but installing this for a safety net as to know what my wife was up to.
> 
> I havent been checking the cam for a while, but i did now. And when i was away for a day i checked. She was taking naked pics of herself. I recieved none of theese pics so im guessing it was for someone else by snapchat.
> 
> Question is: should or can i confront?
> 
> I feel bad enough for having the cam up still. I almost certain i will wait to see how this plays out without telling about the hidden cam. At the same time i also wish to give her privacy.
> 
> Thanx for reading this. Im sure im leaving out details but i had to vent this out quickly.
> 
> Sent fra min SM-G925F via Tapatalk



Just Another Guy,

I am sorry but I will never understand this theory of sitting and letting something like this go on with a woman who has done this before, in order to gather "evidence". Evidence for what??? Are you in a state where infidelity can help you avoid financial ramifications in a divorce???? If not, what more evidence do you need.

You wife has cheated before, she is taking naked pictures of herself obviously not intended for your consumption, and I'm sure you will get the age old explanation that she was taking them to see how she looked and that they really were for you and that she hadn't gotten around to sending them. And you feel guilty for snooping, which proves she knows what she is doing and you are still in denial unless you think she has the right to sext with other men as a marital right.

Now, you can bet your 401K she is already involved with another man and now as she uses an app very difficult to trace you are going to spend weeks "gathering" evidence. Bigger question is what are you going to do with this evidence when you get it??? Youre not in a court of law so what is your game plan??? You going to beg her to stop???

It is mind boggling to me how many men just let all this happen right in front of them because they want to go step by step. You want to find out what is going on.

Sit her ass down and tell her you have scheduled a polygraph test because you believe ( and none of her business why you believe this) that she is sexting other men again. my bet is she will turn as white as Casper The Ghost and vehemently refuse this, which will tell you more than gathering will do. now you will most likely reject this so I think you better start to figure out what you are going to do when you get your Columbo certificate and find out she is either sexting or physically cheating on you.

Yes she will gaslight you and deny. You really want to believe her????


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## Be smart

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Sorry you are here my Friend.

Dont tell her about Camera. 

What makes me worried is that your Wife is still in contact with her co-worker. Why did you allow this ???
If you didnt caught her first time four Years ago her Affair would be a full PA. Work Affairs are easy to hide. 

I am not saying she is sending them to the same guy,but you kinda let her easy the first time. Your Wife never learned her lesson. 

It makes me sad when Husbands and Wives are spending free time of stupid stuff like Facebook,Snapchat and other stuff. 

She Cheated you in the past and I belive she is doing it right now too.


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## 23cm

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Don't tell her about the camera!!!!

Have a heart to heart talk...WITH YOURSELF! What's a deal breaker? Emotional Affair? Sexting, but no EA? Sexting with EA. PA. 
Ask yourself if you want to be a virtual cuckold? Or just the regular kind?

Get some private time, and tell her you know she's sexting. Don't have to say how you know.

Get ready for DARVO...."Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. A behavior of perpetrators of wrongdoing (especially sexual offenders), when accused of attacking their victim, reversing the roles of victim and offender." 

Based on your limits, set her status (check one): 

--Divorcee/Single Mom
--Contrite/Reconciling Wife with no privacy rights
--Testicle (yours) Keeping Woman.

Good luck buddy.


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## alte Dame

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

This is so sad and unnecessary.

If your WW had the character to be marriage material, if she had the honor and dignity of a person who wouldn't treat her spouse with such disrespect, she would be someone who is worth a second chance. She would be someone who wouldn't have to be surveilled to ensure that she is keeping her word.

If I were in your position, I would just say 'eff it,' life is too short. I can't respect someone who shows me and our marriage this sort of contempt. Hell, I can't respect someone who sends naked selfies to other people. As I said - honor and dignity.

You have a WS who waits until she thinks you are safely out of her range, and then jumps to her heart's desire. This is the thing that takes up her mental space, that she is excited by and focused on. This is what is important to her. It's being caught up sexually with another man. That's what is front and center with her. Not you. Not her marriage. You are her background noise.

A person of character wouldn't be doing what your WW is doing. You sound like a man of character. Why do you want to continue to lower yourself to fight for a marriage with a woman who clearly doesn't deserve you?

I simply don't get it. You can keep doing the Magnum PI stuff, but it won't suddenly perform a character transplant on her.

You're too good for her. Why not just get the D and find a woman who is more in your league?


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## SunCMars

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



straightshooter said:


> Just Another Guy,
> 
> I am sorry but I will never understand this theory of sitting and letting something like this go on with a woman who has done this before, in order to gather "evidence". Evidence for what??? Are you in a state where infidelity can help you avoid financial ramifications in a divorce???? If not, what more evidence do you need.
> 
> You wife has cheated before, she is taking naked pictures of herself obviously not intended for your consumption, and I'm sure you will get the age old explanation that she was taking them to see how she looked and that they really were for you and that she hadn't gotten around to sending them. And you feel guilty for snooping, which proves she knows what she is doing and you are still in denial unless you think she has the right to sext with other men as a marital right.
> 
> Now, you can bet your 401K she is already involved with another man and now as she uses an app very difficult to trace you are going to spend weeks "gathering" evidence. Bigger question is what are you going to do with this evidence when you get it??? Youre not in a court of law so what is your game plan??? You going to beg her to stop???
> 
> It is mind boggling to me how many men just let all this happen right in front of them because they want to go step by step. You want to find out what is going on.
> 
> Sit her ass down and tell her you have scheduled a polygraph test because you believe ( and none of her business why you believe this) that she is sexting other men again. my bet is she will turn as white as Casper The Ghost and vehemently refuse this, which will tell you more than gathering will do. now you will most likely reject this so I think you better start to figure out what you are going to do when you get your Columbo certificate and find out she is either sexting or physically cheating on you.
> 
> Yes she will gaslight you and deny. You really want to believe her????


What do you recommend? Precisely, with no four paragraph answer? Thanks.


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## SunCMars

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



alte Dame said:


> This is so sad and unnecessary.
> 
> If your WW had the character to be marriage material, if she had the honor and dignity of a person who wouldn't treat her spouse with such disrespect, she would be someone who is worth a second chance. She would be someone who wouldn't have to be surveilled to ensure that she is keeping her word.
> 
> If I were in your position, I would just say 'eff it,' life is too short. I can't respect someone who shows me and our marriage this sort of contempt. Hell, I can't respect someone who sends naked selfies to other people. As I said - honor and dignity.
> 
> You have a WS who waits until she thinks you are safely out of her range, and then jumps to her heart's desire. *This is the thing that takes up her mental space, that she is excited by and focused on.* This is what is important to her. It's being caught up sexually with another man. That's what is front and center with her. Not you. Not her marriage. *You are her background noise.
> *
> A person of character wouldn't be doing what your WW is doing. You sound like a man of character. Why do you want to continue to lower yourself to fight for a marriage with a woman who clearly doesn't deserve you?
> 
> I simply don't get it. You can keep doing the Magnum PI stuff, but it won't suddenly perform a character transplant on her.
> 
> You're too good for her. Why not just get the D and find a woman who is more in your league?


One of your better posts....................... "Old Lady"!


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## Evinrude58

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

As said, the key is "what are you going to do about your wife cheating?

It's obvious you want to keep her no matter what. Not uncommon. I did. But it's NOT going to make you happy like you think.
She will likely be all apologetic, if you don't have the total truth, and tell you how sorry she is and that she'll never do it again. But it's a lie. She will do it again because she LIKES doing it.
She also likes the stability and security that you provide.

This deal sucks all the way around.
You have to make up your mind what you're able to tolerate.

Realize you've turned into an untrusting, upset person as a result of her abuse (I do feel what she is doing is awful to you).

Don't let her turn you into a shell of a man by her constant deception and debauchery.


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## alte Dame

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



SunCMars said:


> One of your better posts....................... "Old Lady"!




They say that old is as old does & I woke up with a very creaky knee this morning...


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## straightshooter

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



SunCMars said:


> What do you recommend? Precisely, with no four paragraph answer? Thanks.


*Sit her ass down and tell her you have scheduled a polygraph test because you believe ( and none of her business why you believe this) that she is sexting other men again. my bet is she will turn as white as Casper The Ghost and vehemently refuse this, which will tell you more than gathering will do. now you will most likely reject this so I think you better start to figure out what you are going to do when you get your Columbo certificate and find out she is either sexting or physically cheating on you.*


That short enough and clear enough for you buddy


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## SunCMars

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



straightshooter said:


> *Sit her ass down and tell her you have scheduled a polygraph test because you believe ( and none of her business why you believe this) that she is sexting other men again. my bet is she will turn as white as Casper The Ghost and vehemently refuse this, which will tell you more than gathering will do. now you will most likely reject this so I think you better start to figure out what you are going to do when you get your Columbo certificate and find out she is either sexting or physically cheating on you.*
> 
> 
> That short enough and clear enough for you buddy


Yeah, buddy!

In the past [I believe] you and I were "buddies".

I threw You and @bandit.45 out of the back of my pickup truck last fall.

I took one two many curly hairpin turns when there were no visible corners to be seen by anyone but the red eyed driver.

I was on chemo and radiation treatments. But don't tell anyone. I liked that feeling of perceived as being [nuts].

In a General Anthony McAullife sort of way.......101st Airborne sort of way.


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## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Alot of good replies here! I will however wait a few weeks so i can have a good gameplan on what i will do further. I have two young kids to think about as well. I dont want upset our lives without having anything more conclusive and a bit more iron clad evidence for myself when i make the necesary steps to a seperation.

Also..The VAR-video i saw isnt all that clear. as to if shes sending anything at all. It wasnt any explicit either. I reviewed it again today (Just saw bits of it before). So im guessing i will have to wait it out until this happens again so i knows it not a coincidence. Perhaps im beeing naive and having problems facing whats happening.. but i need to know for sure.

What i know from myself is that i will refuse to be somekind of safety doormat . I am prepared to do the right things for my own selfbeeing.


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## Lostinthought61

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

How is the relationship between the two of you,are you both engaged into the other? Is she still matiaining complete transparency ?
Is she acting secretive with her phone?


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## WilliamM

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Always assume the worst. That way you will discover you were right after all.

You are making a lot of excuses for her. It always amazes me how people can overlook such egregious and blatant behavior.

But hey, my life is no model of perfection by any means. So many lumps and bumps and horrors it's pathetic. But the theme of wanting to think it isn't what it is, just seems so ridiculous to me.

I mean, after her first excursion, do you actually let her have privacy on her phone? Sorry, that's probably not an appropriate type of question for the modern world. My wife and I have an odd relationship, and my wife is not allowed secrets, or anything which could facilitate secrets. So why do you allow your wife to have snapchat app on her phone? Why do you not have a monitoring app on her phone to constantly apprise you of what she is doing at all times with it? An app to let you know where her phone is at all times? You should be able to read over her shoulder any time you want.

I know, I know, not politically correct. But it's what I do.

Just seems to me if a spouse was sexting with someone else at any point, they would want their Significant Other to have those controls over their phone forever more to show they are being true. To claim the spouse should not have those options any longer is asking for permission to stray again. That's how I see it anyway.


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## phillybeffandswiss

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Some people do not want to play jailer. There's a point where you have to stop or change who you are married to. If a spouse wants to cheat and talk to other people secretly, they are going to find a way. Also, you are assuming he removed all spyware. 

Anyway, yes, you should giver her permanent privacy as this is twice. Still, you are going to have to check and see how far it goes. No, you do not confront because she can say it was for a million different things. We have a thread somewhere, with all types of bickering, where people named many types of reasons for a woman to be taking naked pictures. Yes, some where plausible, but situation was quite laughable in context.


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## WilliamM

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

If he has spyware on her phone, then he would have the pictures and know what she did with them.

He has the camera. There is no difference, except in effectiveness.

He is monitoring her. Why not do it effectively. It is certainly obvious she is having an affair. So he should be monitoring her.


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## eric1

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

So if you caught her sexting and you have an open device policy then you can look at her phone whenever?

Just grab her phone and tell her you're really feeling weird but if she wouldn't mind you'd like to poke around to reassure yourself. The look on her face will tell you everything you need to know.


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## WilliamM

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

The problem is she started using snapchat. The use of that app makes it difficult for him to find anything unless he has spyware on her phone to circumnavigate it's functionality of leaving no trace. It exists for cheating. Simply having the app is a big advertisement that she *is* cheating.


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## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Just to answer posts above. Our relationship is otherwise very good. Shes loving, caring, Good sexlife ect. I try my best also to show this from my side. Im 100% sure shes not cheating. Thats why this is difficult for me to accept deception (if there is one occuring). 

I have access to everything on her phone pad and pc. Except snapchat offcourse. 

My mistake was letting her keep this app.


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## GusPolinski

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Your single biggest mistake to date has been allowing continued contact -- of any kind whatsoever -- with her sexting buddy.

Oh, and he was a co-worker, right?

They were probably banging.

Maybe still are.


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## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



GusPolinski said:


> Your single biggest mistake to date has been allowing continued contact -- of any kind whatsoever -- with her sexting buddy.
> 
> Oh, and he was a co-worker, right?
> 
> They were probably banging.
> 
> Maybe still are.


youre are 100% correct sir.

Im pretty sure they didnt bang (like 90%). Im basing this on the information i have and on her caracter and personality.

They are not coworkers anymore.


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## thedope

He seems in denial. If my wife had a history of sexting and then was taking nude pictures, it pretty obvious!


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## Thound

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Iknow.. yeah. Im pretty sure they didnt bang. Im basing this on the information i have and on her caracter.


Her character? She is sexting another man. That tells me a lot about her character.


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## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Not in denial here. I am aware of a chance of she beeing deceitfull however there might be a chance shes not, based on the info i currently have. Im only waiting now to make sure i have more information wich requires a little investigating on my end. Theres alot at stake so i like to make sure before i take next few steps that would pull my family apart.


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## MancMan

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

It's a tough on but if she's taking provocative pictures (naked or not) and you're not receiving them then it's fairly certain that something is going on. 

I completely get that you want to get a better story and more evidence before confronting but please don't wait too long. The pain, anguish and resentment will grow within you until you know the truth and will effect you throughout the day.

Good luck.


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## straightshooter

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Not in denial here. I am aware of a chance of she beeing deceitfull however there might be a chance shes not, based on the info i currently have. Im only waiting now to make sure i have more information wich requires a little investigating on my end. Theres alot at stake so i like to make sure before i take next few steps that would pull my family apart.


You have it ass backwards. You're wife is doing things that will pull your family apart, not you. You are going to decide if staying married and sucking it up is more important than getting out of infidelity. I suggest you dont' take a hell of a lot of time gathering more information. And if you do not have a VAR in her car you are mistaken and have missed a main source of information. With today's technology she is going to have to make a dumb mistake for you to catch her. I'd also be looking for a burner phone if the phone records are clean. 

Again the question as probably most reading this know what you are going to find. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WHEN YOU FIND OUT WHAT SHE IS DOING? The grime to plan for that is now, not when you are having difficulty breathing on D Day.


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## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



straightshooter said:


> You have it ass backwards. You're wife is doing things that will pull your family apart, not you. You are going to decide if staying married and sucking it up is more important than getting out of infidelity. I suggest you dont' take a hell of a lot of time gathering more information. And if you do not have a VAR in her car you are mistaken and have missed a main source of information. With today's technology she is going to have to make a dumb mistake for you to catch her. I'd also be looking for a burner phone if the phone records are clean.
> 
> Again the question as probably most reading this know what you are going to find. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WHEN YOU FIND OUT WHAT SHE IS DOING? The grime to plan for that is now, not when you are having difficulty breathing on D Day.


Im not deciding anything. If she is in fact somehow decietfull, its bye-bye wife first day. Im not going to wait to somehow postpone a seperation. Im aware that this would be her fault if it comes to that and i would not feel gulity for this. 

But before it comes to that i need to make sure. 

Im trying as best as i can to look at this with facts and do the correct moves. Its not easy.


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## straightshooter

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Im not deciding anything. If she is in fact somehow decietfull, its bye-bye wife first day. Im not going to wait to somehow postpone a seperation.
> 
> But before it comes to that i need to make sure. Im aware that this would be her fault if it comes to that and i would not feel gulity for this.
> 
> Im trying as best as i can to look at this with facts and do the correct moves. Its not easy.


Of course its not easy and its going to get HARDER. Right now you are hoping that there is some plausible explanation for her taking pictures of herself that you do not see in sexually revealing poses. When you get your information what you are feeeling now is going to get harder and worse. If you are being truthful with yourself that when you find out that it is bye bye if she is cheating, all it takes is a meeting with an attorney to have her divorce papers ready.

What is most likely going to happen when you catch her is an avalanche of tears, apologies, and promises to stop. And if you have done nothing to be ready then it usually works. That is why you see so many on here with multiple D Days.

No one is telling you to divorce her right now, at least I don't think they are. But all I am telling you is that you better not wait a hell of a long time to gather information. If its only photos and EA and this OM lives in geographical traveling distance it will turn physical.

If you do not want to do it now and if you are true to yourself about leaving if she is cheating, then do like I said and line up a polygraph examiner and when the tears start to flow get the truth in 30 minutes or an hour instead of listening to all the lies and trickle truth. They are always sorry when they get caught.


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## JessicaA

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

When she was sexting the coworker, what was her rationale? Because that seems to be the issue. You can't confront her with what you have because you've been spying on her which you know was wrong, regardless of her actions, you've replaced communication with being a detective and if I were her, even if I'd done something wrong, to be spied on in order to 'gather evidence' tells you something is wrong - and she isn't going to be happy to know you've been filming her! You don't know why she's taking those pics, maybe she wants to feel sexy, show her body off, that doesn't mean she's cheating, maybe she does them for herself, they could be her own submissions to a site and she's not comfortable telling you. She could of course be sexting in a different way i.e. via snapchat which based on what you've said is quite possibly occurring (it's not an app to cheat though, yeah it can be used for that but so can emails, texts or any other social media app). You've spent 4 years not trusting her and I get that but your avenue to resolution seems to be flawed. Be honest (without saying I haven't trusted you for years) and say you still think about those sexts, you noticed she uses snapchat, is she chatting to someone. You'll know by her reaction what the truth is, but you have to stop spying, you'll drive yourself insane like you are now, knowing there could be an explanation but never knowing what it is until you ask her or tell her you're feeling insecure.


----------



## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



JessicaA said:


> When she was sexting the coworker, what was her rationale? Because that seems to be the issue. You can't confront her with what you have because you've been spying on her which you know was wrong, regardless of her actions, you've replaced communication with being a detective and if I were her, even if I'd done something wrong, to be spied on in order to 'gather evidence' tells you something is wrong - and she isn't going to be happy to know you've been filming her! You don't know why she's taking those pics, maybe she wants to feel sexy, show her body off, that doesn't mean she's cheating, maybe she does them for herself, they could be her own submissions to a site and she's not comfortable telling you. She could of course be sexting in a different way i.e. via snapchat which based on what you've said is quite possibly occurring (it's not an app to cheat though, yeah it can be used for that but so can emails, texts or any other social media app). You've spent 4 years not trusting her and I get that but your avenue to resolution seems to be flawed. Be honest (without saying I haven't trusted you for years) and say you still think about those sexts, you noticed she uses snapchat, is she chatting to someone. You'll know by her reaction what the truth is, but you have to stop spying, you'll drive yourself insane like you are now, knowing there could be an explanation but never knowing what it is until you ask her or tell her you're feeling insecure.


Thanks, this does make sense to me. I havent had trust issues until now and i probably should get rid of cam after i get to the bottom of this.

Her rationale was earlier the male attention she was getting.


----------



## Ckone1800

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



JessicaA said:


> When she was sexting the coworker, what was her rationale? Because that seems to be the issue. You can't confront her with what you have because you've been spying on her which you know was wrong, regardless of her actions, you've replaced communication with being a detective and if I were her, even if I'd done something wrong, to be spied on in order to 'gather evidence' tells you something is wrong - and she isn't going to be happy to know you've been filming her! You don't know why she's taking those pics, maybe she wants to feel sexy, show her body off, that doesn't mean she's cheating, maybe she does them for herself, they could be her own submissions to a site and she's not comfortable telling you. She could of course be sexting in a different way i.e. via snapchat which based on what you've said is quite possibly occurring (it's not an app to cheat though, yeah it can be used for that but so can emails, texts or any other social media app). You've spent 4 years not trusting her and I get that but your avenue to resolution seems to be flawed. Be honest (without saying I haven't trusted you for years) and say you still think about those sexts, you noticed she uses snapchat, is she chatting to someone. You'll know by her reaction what the truth is, but you have to stop spying, you'll drive yourself insane like you are now, knowing there could be an explanation but never knowing what it is until you ask her or tell her you're feeling insecure.




I'm pretty sure that if she is posting provocative and sexual pictures through any means, even Snapchat, to get her ego boosted, and without her husbands knowledge, that is kind of still cheating. 

It's at least a gateway drug to infidelity, in my opinion and will most certainly lead to cheating. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## JessicaA

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Then I think you've answered what's going on if the last time she did it was about attention i.e. not cheating per se, I'm not defending emotional or virtual affairs by the way, I'm just saying some people deep down know what they're doing is wrong but don't think they're cheating because there's no physical aspect. Your only warning sign is knowing she's taking pics of herself, you say everything else is great in your life and so she's either someone that just constantly needs someone to tell them they're sexy, desired, wanted etc (in which case this isn't going to change) OR she feels you're not showing how wanted and sexual she is, if it's this then you need to know what's different for her and what you're doing differently that's led her to this. You could use the cam to your advantage and bring it into the bedroom knowingly, suggest you film each other, maybe she likes voyeurism and can't tell you. We all like to feel good about ourselves, you only have to look how every one of us behaves in a new relationship vs marriage, we get comfortable and don't always make the effort we might have. The issue is she's not seeking out you for whatever reason to give her that boost. It's easy to get stuck in a rut and whilst it's not remotely nice to think your wife might be sending pics to strangers online, it seems saveable if you both acknowledge what's missing. Best of wishes.


----------



## DEMI6

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

This is so sick! All this 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-J320AZ using Tapatalk


----------



## straightshooter

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



JessicaA said:


> Then I think you've answered what's going on if the last time she did it was about attention i.e. not cheating per se, I'm not defending emotional or virtual affairs by the way, I'm just saying some people deep down know what they're doing is wrong but don't think they're cheating because there's no physical aspect. Your only warning sign is knowing she's taking pics of herself, you say everything else is great in your life and so she's either someone that just constantly needs someone to tell them they're sexy, desired, wanted etc (in which case this isn't going to change) OR she feels you're not showing how wanted and sexual she is, if it's this then you need to know what's different for her and what you're doing differently that's led her to this. You could use the cam to your advantage and bring it into the bedroom knowingly, suggest you film each other, maybe she likes voyeurism and can't tell you. We all like to feel good about ourselves, you only have to look how every one of us behaves in a new relationship vs marriage, we get comfortable and don't always make the effort we might have. The issue is she's not seeking out you for whatever reason to give her that boost. It's easy to get stuck in a rut and whilst it's not remotely nice to think your wife might be sending pics to strangers online, it seems saveable if you both acknowledge what's missing. Best of wishes.


There you go buddy. No problem. She's just making herself fell better sexting with other men. Good old girl code. No problem. Join in and let it all go. And then go get yourself some help for daring to spy on your wife sexting habits. Of course she just wants to feel sexy. Perfect explanation

Follow that advice and good luck to you.


----------



## SunCMars

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Not in denial here. I am aware of a chance of she beeing deceitfull however there might be a chance shes not, based on the info i currently have. Im only waiting now to make sure i have more information wich requires a little investigating on my end. Theres alot at stake so i like to *make sure before i take next few steps that would pull my family apart.*


Yes, keep doing what your are doing. If this detective work takes a week or a month, so what.

At this point, you have past proof of wrongdoing.

At this point, you have strong evidence that "something is going on. Find that something. This is what you are doing. 

Be low key at this time. Do not alert her to your snooping or methods.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Im 100% sure shes not cheating.


Really?

When did you have the surgery to be physically joined at the hip with her? Because that's the ONLY way one can be 100% sure they're not being cheated on.

Otherwise, it's a crap-shoot at best.


----------



## JessicaA

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Gosh ... I never said it was okay that she was doing it, I said there was likely a reason, marriage doesn't work because a contract was signed, it requires 'work' and communication and attempts to resolve what's going on. The moment you begin spying on someone there's a warning sign in itself, people aren't property, they don't warrant being spied on, if you (any one of us) feel the need to do it then ask yourself why is my point. If you think being righteous by saying 'I know what you did as I've been watching you' will result in the other person saying 'fair enough, let's talk about what I've been doing' then good luck to that ... As surprisingly most people would object to being spied on regardless of what they've done. It wasn't 'girl code' but thanks for the sexist reply to what was an attempt at helping the OP.


----------



## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



JessicaA said:


> Gosh ... I never said it was okay that she was doing it, I said there was likely a reason, marriage doesn't work because a contract was signed, it requires 'work' and communication and attempts to resolve what's going on. The moment you begin spying on someone there's a warning sign in itself, people aren't property, they don't warrant being spied on, if you (any one of us) feel the need to do it then ask yourself why is my point. If you think being righteous by saying 'I know what you did as I've been watching you' will result in the other person saying 'fair enough, let's talk about what I've been doing' then good luck to that ... As surprisingly most people would object to being spied on regardless of what they've done. It wasn't 'girl code' but thanks for the sexist reply to what was an attempt at helping the OP.


Is see your point about spying and i will have to adress this issue at a later time. If shes up to no good i will probably find some way to "catch her" with something else first. Im not going to confront her with video thats for sure. 

If i cant find anything else then will just remove the cam and let it go and see if there is anything in relationship i can work on.

But first i have to find out where her loyalties lie.


----------



## naiveonedave

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



JessicaA said:


> When she was sexting the coworker, what was her rationale? Because that seems to be the issue. You can't confront her with what you have because you've been spying on her which you know was wrong, regardless of her actions, you've replaced communication with being a detective and if I were her, even if I'd done something wrong, to be spied on in order to 'gather evidence' tells you something is wrong - and she isn't going to be happy to know you've been filming her! You don't know why she's taking those pics, maybe she wants to feel sexy, show her body off, that doesn't mean she's cheating, maybe she does them for herself, they could be her own submissions to a site and she's not comfortable telling you. She could of course be sexting in a different way i.e. via snapchat which based on what you've said is quite possibly occurring (it's not an app to cheat though, yeah it can be used for that but so can emails, texts or any other social media app). You've spent 4 years not trusting her and I get that but your avenue to resolution seems to be flawed. Be honest (without saying I haven't trusted you for years) and say you still think about those sexts, you noticed she uses snapchat, is she chatting to someone. You'll know by her reaction what the truth is, but you have to stop spying, you'll drive yourself insane like you are now, knowing there could be an explanation but never knowing what it is until you ask her or tell her you're feeling insecure.


how on earth is this spying something wrong? She is cheating and the OP needed to do this to catch her.


----------



## JessicaA

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



naiveonedave said:


> how on earth is this spying something wrong? She is cheating and the OP needed to do this to catch her.


I'm not sure anyone's established she is cheating have they? Using snapchat and taking selfies isn't in itself cheating hence the original query i.e. there are signs but there is nothing definite right? Unless I've missed something? She still has a right to privacy in her own home, she doesn't know she is being watched and so far all her husband has seen is her taking pictures of herself. If spying isn't wrong then I think the OP wouldn't be on here asking what to do as he doesn't actually have evidence other than a covert camera. He needed to 'catch her' because of a time that she was cheating albeit virtually and he has clearly and understandably found that difficult to deal with as I think most of us would. Don't get me wrong, I understand 'detective work' when one has suspicions but all I'm saying is that there is an impact on the person being watched, what if she is actually doing nothing wrong and finds out her husband decided to film her? If he thinks it's okay then I think he'd be confronting her now saying 'this might mean nothing but I noticed on the camera that I set up in our bedroom ...', the fact he's not is because of exactly how that conversation will end if it begins with 'so I was filming you without your knowledge'. I've been someone that was checked up on - and I did nothing wrong - but the fact the person felt it okay it go through my phone etc made me paranoid, it tells me they don't trust me, already there's a crack in the relationship on that admission. And that won't resolve this, what if he never finds her doing anything on the camera other than taking pictures. What if she stops? Where does he go then with his own thoughts? The next step is a conversation not ramping up the spying.


----------



## GusPolinski

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



JessicaA said:


> I'm not sure anyone's established she is cheating have they? Using snapchat and taking selfies isn't in itself cheating hence the original query i.e. there are signs but there is nothing definite right? Unless I've missed something? She still has a right to privacy in her own home, she doesn't know she is being watched and so far all her husband has seen is her taking pictures of herself. If spying isn't wrong then I think the OP wouldn't be on here asking what to do as he doesn't actually have evidence other than a covert camera. He needed to 'catch her' because of a time that she was cheating albeit virtually and he has clearly and understandably found that difficult to deal with as I think most of us would. Don't get me wrong, I understand 'detective work' when one has suspicions but all I'm saying is that there is an impact on the person being watched, what if she is actually doing nothing wrong and finds out her husband decided to film her? If he thinks it's okay then I think he'd be confronting her now saying 'this might mean nothing but I noticed on the camera that I set up in our bedroom ...', the fact he's not is because of exactly how that conversation will end if it begins with 'so I was filming you without your knowledge'. I've been someone that was checked up on - and I did nothing wrong - but the fact the person felt it okay it go through my phone etc made me paranoid, it tells me they don't trust me, already there's a crack in the relationship on that admission. And that won't resolve this, what if he never finds her doing anything on the camera other than taking pictures. What if she stops? Where does he go then with his own thoughts? The next step is a conversation not ramping up the spying.


Sounds legit.

Because I'm sure she's taking naked selfies of herself... _for herself_.


----------



## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

I see good points here on both ends. Im going to do the neccesary detective work to easy my mind (or not). I will keep you updated in a few weeks. Perhaps i wil get alot of i-told-you-so's .. hope not..


----------



## Herschel

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

She was already caught once...hence the spying.


----------



## Evinrude58

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

I agree that she has a right to expect not to be video taped without her knowledge in her own bedroom. However, he has a right as part of the marriage contract, not to have anyone else in his marriage and for no other men to be getting naked pictures or attention from his wife.
Since SHE has cheated in the past, I think the balance of what is fair has shifted in his favor.

FIND out if your wife is cheating. You have every right to do nearly whatever it takes in my opinion.

I would say that if you have to put a video camera in your own bedroom---- you just need to divorce. And this is a fine example of why in 99% of cases of infidelity, one should do just that.


----------



## GusPolinski

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



Herschel said:


> She was already caught once...hence the spying.


I prefer the term "sleuthing".


----------



## TheTruthHurts

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

.


----------



## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

For the record she did not phsycially cheat. But she did emotionally and also sent one sexy photo of her from a link in my dropbox (she wasnt using snap at the time)


----------



## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



TheTruthHurts said:


> @JessicaA's advice might make sense if she hadn't cheated before. And believe me, she did cheat. Sexting someone other than your s is cheating. A PA is not the only way to cheat.
> 
> Furthermore, you've said she admitted to sexting for the ego kibbles and non-marital, male attention. That is a HUGE red flag. People who are externally motivated - who get their sense of self worth from the attention of others - and go outside marriage for it - and BROKEN people. YOU can't fix that - only they can through IC, very difficult self examination, a level of self awareness most people like this lack, and a miracle change of character, personality and self respect.
> 
> So, since we know the true back story (or enough of it) we also have a very good idea what the few outcomes are likely to be. It's human nature and people tend to follow patterns - patterns you can read about on TAM for story after story.
> 
> "Spying" in this context is not bad at all; w had proven to have weak boundaries, and you have a right to enforce your own boundaries NOT to be cuckolded.
> 
> If she has low self esteem, there is a possibility she's taking selfies and comparing them to girls she sees on the internet to see how she looks. I'll concede there's maybe an 8-12% chance that could be true. Unfortunately, IMO, that means there's an 88-92% it's something very "not good" and frankly I wouldn't need to know what type of bad it is.
> 
> So I would put VAR's out, keep the camera rolling, and prime the pump. I'd bring a tripod and video camera into the bedroom and say I think it might be sexy to record ourselves... if it turns out horrible we can delete it together. See what she says. Ask if she's taken any sexy photos already that she can share. See what happens.
> 
> If you shake he up she'll go underground but she'll also likely discuss it with her AP if there is one. And that you can catch on the VAR.
> 
> It's up to you about confronting - but recognize that being married to someone who seeks attention for self validation is a HUGE risk for infidelity as time goes by. Anytime she doesn't feel she's getting sufficient attention, she's likely to wander. Not my kind of woman TBH
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Pretty sure shes sending this to ex-coworker or was planning to send to me but cancelled. I have a spycam set up with motion detect so only time will tell right now. 😊


----------



## naiveonedave

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Is see your point about spying and i will have to adress this issue at a later time. If shes up to no good i will probably find some way to "catch her" with something else first. Im not going to confront her with video thats for sure.
> 
> If i cant find anything else then will just remove the cam and let it go and see if there is anything in relationship i can work on.
> 
> But first i have to find out where her loyalties lie.


honestly, since she went down this road before, YOU don't have a problem (spying isn't a problem when your spouse has cheated in the past), SHE does. You know you need to know the truth, and she isn't going to tell you she started up sexting again, you have to find her to prove it.


----------



## Spitfire

So she was caught sexting a guy 4 years ago and is still in contact with him. Now she's taking naked pictures but hasn't been caught sending them. You say this hasn't gone physical but you really don't have full access to her phone or enforce any real boundaries. I'm afraid there's a lot you don't know here. I'd carefully ratchet up the surveillance and prepare for the worst.


----------



## sokillme

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> youre are 100% correct sir.
> 
> Im pretty sure they didnt bang (like 90%). Im basing this on the information i have and on her caracter and personality.
> 
> They are not coworkers anymore.


This is a women who was sending naked pictures to another man while married, what makes you think she has any character at all? Read any of these posts and it only escalates. 

Did she do the work to fix her character. The only way R works is if the person who cheated is strongly motivated to change. Meaning changing their whole outlook on life, their entire nature. Most of the people who have had what is considered a successful R on here have devoted their entire lives to infidelity in some way. Some now see it as their ministry. I believe this is the primary reason why they are successful. That is the kind of effort it takes to change ones nature. If not they all eventually revert back to the same character issues that caused the cheating in the first place. It may not even being in cheating but in some other area of their life and relationship. This is a very difficult truth to many but it is still a truth that is played out time and time again on these threads. Most cheaters cheat because they are broken in some way. This is especially true of repeat offenders. Your mistake was not the app, and not forcing no contact (like that is even possible in today's day and age) your mistake was staying with someone with a large character deficiency and expecting it to change.

Over and over it is proven out on these boards, as it looks like your situation once again proves. The problem is in her nature. That is extremely hard to change and the only person who can do it is a motivated person who has the character flaw. You can stop this again but you will probably be back here dealing with this or some other form of cheating in the future. It's in her nature.


----------



## sokillme

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



JessicaA said:


> Gosh ... I never said it was okay that she was doing it, I said there was likely a reason, marriage doesn't work because a contract was signed, it requires 'work' and communication and attempts to resolve what's going on. The moment you begin spying on someone there's a warning sign in itself, people aren't property, they don't warrant being spied on, if you (any one of us) feel the need to do it then ask yourself why is my point. If you think being righteous by saying 'I know what you did as I've been watching you' will result in the other person saying 'fair enough, let's talk about what I've been doing' then good luck to that ... As surprisingly most people would object to being spied on regardless of what they've done. It wasn't 'girl code' but thanks for the sexist reply to what was an attempt at helping the OP.


If this isn't another reason why R is a bad idea most of the time. Most of us at least understand why it is kind of crappy to spy on your spouse, but we also understand when your spouse is the type to cheat you need to protect yourself. The bottom line is if you need to set up camera's to make sure your spouse isn't abusing you, you are better off without that spouse. Even if they don't because what kind of marriage is that anyway. Sure ain't a healthy one.


----------



## Tobyboy

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Reinstalled the spyware on her phone. Most new spyware will capture everything from Snapchat, Skype, WhatsApp......


----------



## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



Tobyboy said:


> Reinstalled the spyware on her phone. Most new spyware will capture everything from Snapchat, Skype, WhatsApp......


I have access to everything. Shes never calling the guy or anything. Only snapchat. And that requires rooting. Wich again renders alot of other apps as useless. Like netflix, bank-apps ect. They check this nowadays. 😊


----------



## straightshooter

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> I have access to everything. Shes never calling the guy or anything. Only snapchat. And that requires rooting. Wich again renders alot of other apps as useless. Like netflix, bank-apps ect. They check this nowadays. 😊


So you got the bedroom cammed up, but if you think it is a co worker, why isn't the car VAR'd up???? So you really believe that she's sending sexy pictures if she is to a co worker, and that they NEVER talk on the phone or communicate in any way but snap chat. ??? Highly unlikely so you better start looking for a burner phone. I assume you know what that is. ???

I'm gonnja keep asking?? Whats the plan. ????
If you uncover nothing, GREAT!!! not betting my 401K on that one

If shes sexting with co worker ( again) does she continue to work there
If shes having sex with him, does she continue to work there
If she's involved with someone outside work , whats the plan then??
And whats the plan if her co workers or friends know.

if any of those not so good things occur, you are going to be buried in most likelihood with tears, claims of love, promises not to do it again, trickle truth, and begging at best. At worst, you will get the reasons why you should go to MC so some genius can tell you to focus on the marriage and what you did wrong.

You also might want to peruse through here and read a thread by a guy named CAM and a bunch of others who were convinced it was only an EA. that might enlighten you.

And please get this silly idea that you should not be snooping on her out of your head. i guess these experts trying to make you feel guilty assume if shes cheating she will gladly tell you it all with no problem. So how on earth do you find out otherwise??? Wait to stumble onto them in bed???


----------



## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



straightshooter said:


> So you got the bedroom cammed up, but if you think it is a co worker, why isn't the car VAR'd up???? So you really believe that she's sending sexy pictures if she is to a co worker, and that they NEVER talk on the phone or communicate in any way but snap chat. ??? Highly unlikely so you better start looking for a burner phone. I assume you know what that is. ???
> 
> I'm gonnja keep asking?? Whats the plan. ????
> If you uncover nothing, GREAT!!! not betting my 401K on that one
> 
> If shes sexting with co worker ( again) does she continue to work there
> If shes having sex with him, does she continue to work there
> If she's involved with someone outside work , whats the plan then??
> And whats the plan if her co workers or friends know.
> 
> if any of those not so good things occur, you are going to be buried in most likelihood with tears, claims of love, promises not to do it again, trickle truth, and begging at best. At worst, you will get the reasons why you should go to MC so some genius can tell you to focus on the marriage and what you did wrong.
> 
> You also might want to peruse through here and read a thread by a guy named CAM and a bunch of others who were convinced it was only an EA. that might enlighten you.
> 
> And please get this silly idea that you should not be snooping on her out of your head. i guess these experts trying to make you feel guilty assume if shes cheating she will gladly tell you it all with no problem. So how on earth do you find out otherwise??? Wait to stumble onto them in bed???


I think i made it pretty much clear im going to surveilance this more and act based upon what i find. Its something is going on shes out the door offcourse.

Perhaps my underlying issue is still on how i wil confront. I dont want to give away location of cam. The fact can easially be that shes just sending a sexy pic every now and then just to get some other dudes attention. Even if it is this previous dirtbag. She does has a low self esteem ( even if she dosnt need to).
This is bad enough for my part but do i divorce for this? Instead of working the problem(wich i incidentally have no idea what is at the moment)?

Its tricky.. and taking my steps carefully.

Thanx for the advise. Its good to see people caring this much.


----------



## straightshooter

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> I think i made it pretty much clear im going to surveilance this more and act based upon what i find. Its something is going on shes out the door offcourse.
> 
> Perhaps my underlying issue is still on how i wil confront. I dont want to give away location of cam. The fact can easially be that shes just sending a sexy pic every now and then just to get some other dudes attention. Even if it is this previous dirtbag. She does has a low self esteem ( even if she dosnt need to).
> This is bad enough for my part but do i divorce for this? Instead of working the problem(wich i incidentally have no idea what is at the moment)?
> 
> Its tricky.. and taking my steps carefully.
> 
> Thanx for the advise. Its good to see people caring this much.


No I guess if she's in only a only affair again you wait until she has a penis in her before considering divorce . 

Ifnthe majority here are right you are going to kick yourself in the butt if it's physical or becomes physical while you wait to confront.

No one is telling you to reveal the camera. how
Many times does the camera have to reveal it before you are convinced ???
Guess what . She's still going to deny it . Some do even when you catch them in the act .
And by the way when you pressure someone like demanding a polygraph her reaction will tell you a lot and the first thing she will do is communicate to her boyfriend you are suspiscious . You've been cluelessnthis far . She's good at hiding . Maybe a little pressure will force anstupid mistake ?


----------



## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

It only has to be revealed once. Then i will take action. I need to be sure first. Nothing wrong with that. Am i wrong all things considered?


----------



## sokillme

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> It only has to be revealed once. Then i will take action. I need to be sure first. Nothing wrong with that. Am i wrong all things considered?


What kind of poses? Did she lose a lot of weight? Maybe she is checking her progress? I could see that.


----------



## Chaparral

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

The thing is, many posters here,with experience, seriously doubt you know everything that happened the last time around.
It's extremely unlikely they were sexting and working together and that's all that happened. If they were in that deep why wouldn't they go all the way. Was his spouse notified?

You broke the golden rule of reconcile which is no contact. Prevailing wisdom is that any contact means the affair continues. I think you have been in false reconciliation the whole time.

Have you had a STD test? Have your kids been DNA tested?

She cheated, she lied, she still keeps him as a friend, she takes more provacative bedroom pictures, she has a notorious cheating app on her phone........your gut was to check the camera......... your probably in the 90% probability rating by now.


----------



## weightlifter

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Gus is our resident phone goon. LISTEN TO HIM.

This is chess, not checkers. Be methodical, get ahead of it to get proof one way or another. If she asks why you are acting strange the correct answer is a stomach bug.

DO NOT do some half azzed confrontation without names dates times. It is a sure loss.


----------



## Evinrude58

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

A VAR is what you need.

You have never said exactly what kind of pics she was taking. I'm curious.

She has Snapchat..... she is taking pics of herself. You do indeed need to find her other phone, or it is someone she sees in person every day and doesn't need to talk to at night.

She has been caught before. She's been in stealth mode for years most likely.


----------



## eric1

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> youre are 100% correct sir.
> 
> Im pretty sure they didnt bang (like 90%). Im basing this on the information i have and on her caracter and personality.
> 
> They are not coworkers anymore.




With all due respect, emotional affairs are worse than physical if you are evaluating the ethics of your average female.

She's cheated on you already and your rationalization is that she's too ethical to cheat?

I don't say this to hurt you. I just think that you need to take a few steps back and evaluate this situation as if you were looking at someone else's.

Out it this way though. With this particular issue is it safe to say that it's not safe to trust her and that everything should be verified? There are enough holes in the story that it makes you in the 100% right for simply verifying what she has told you.


----------



## eric1

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Im not deciding anything. If she is in fact somehow decietfull, its bye-bye wife first day. Im not going to wait to somehow postpone a seperation. Im aware that this would be her fault if it comes to that and i would not feel gulity for this.
> 
> But before it comes to that i need to make sure.
> 
> Im trying as best as i can to look at this with facts and do the correct moves. Its not easy.




So have her provide a full written timeline and bring her in for a poly immediately afterwards.


----------



## Be smart

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

My Friend you think you have a good Marriage,but you are wrong. 

Your Wife Cheated on you 4 Years ago and during that time you have been spying on her all the time. 
Is this how you want to live your Life ??? Are you going to spend all your Life spying on her ??? 

Another mistake on your part. You allow her to stay "Friends" with a guy she Cheated before. This speaks a lot about your character. No self respect. I dont want to hurt you but if you dont respect yourself then dont expect it from your Wife. I have a clear picture what she thinks about you right now.

How old is your Wife ? She acts like a schoolgirl,spendig time on Internet,sending nudes to other guys... and you still belive she never Cheated on you. 

Good luck to you my Friend.


----------



## AlaMakled

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



Tatsuhiko said:


> Once she broke your trust, you earned the right to keep an eye on her. Sounds like she's up to her old tricks. If you can get a higher-resolution camera or install it closer to where she uses her phone, maybe you can record her entering her PIN/password, or at least verify that she's sending images. Some people have successfully put a camera in a light fixture. I don't know how Snapchat works. I know that messages and photos get destroyed, but you could at least get to her contact list and try to message some of the guys. "Remember those photos I sent? Which was your favorite?"
> 
> Once you have adequate evidence, I think you should file for divorce this time around. Obviously your confrontation 4 years ago had little effect on her. Divorce would send a strong signal and could be stopped at any point if she showed sufficient remorse and got herself some therapy.
> 
> NEVER reveal your intelligence sources. Just tell her that you KNOW what's been going on and ignore her questions about how you know.


I agree!


----------



## TAMAT

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

JAG80,

Sexting combines an emotional and physical affair as it allows your WW to have sex and an emotional connection in a low risk way. She can never be disappointed as her lovers are always perfect, and you suffer by comparison 

I would guess that your WW has the most intense orgasms of her life doing this, and if and when she has sex with you she is thinking about her virtual lovers. Otherwise she would be cheating on her OMs with you.

You need to track down these OM and save off all the evidence you can, part of the cost of these affairs to your WW is that the OMs are hurt by exposure. What will happen when the OMs are exposed is that they will throw your WW under the bus to save themselves, this will crush your WW emotionally but it has to be done. Your WWs addiction to these OM is powerful.

Tamat


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



JessicaA said:


> I'm not sure anyone's established she is cheating have they? Using snapchat and taking selfies isn't in itself cheating hence the original query i.e. there are signs but there is nothing definite right? Unless I've missed something? She still has a right to privacy in her own home, she doesn't know she is being watched and so far all her husband has seen is her taking pictures of herself. If spying isn't wrong then I think the OP wouldn't be on here asking what to do as he doesn't actually have evidence other than a covert camera. He needed to 'catch her' because of a time that she was cheating albeit virtually and he has clearly and understandably found that difficult to deal with as I think most of us would. Don't get me wrong, I understand 'detective work' when one has suspicions but all I'm saying is that there is an impact on the person being watched, what if she is actually doing nothing wrong and finds out her husband decided to film her? If he thinks it's okay then I think he'd be confronting her now saying 'this might mean nothing but I noticed on the camera that I set up in our bedroom ...', the fact he's not is because of exactly how that conversation will end if it begins with 'so I was filming you without your knowledge'. I've been someone that was checked up on - and I did nothing wrong - but the fact the person felt it okay it go through my phone etc made me paranoid, it tells me they don't trust me, already there's a crack in the relationship on that admission. And that won't resolve this, what if he never finds her doing anything on the camera other than taking pictures. What if she stops? Where does he go then with his own thoughts? The next step is a conversation not ramping up the spying.





sokillme said:


> What kind of poses? Did she lose a lot of weight? Maybe she is checking her progress? I could see that.


Unfortunately, I forgot, Vikings deleted his original starting thread. He would delete and start a new one until someone told him to stop. I wish he didn't because there was a ton of rationalization in his thread similar to these post. Like you, he never saw the pictures, but the bickering and rationalization kept escalating. 


I hope, she isn't as far down the rabbit hole as his Viking's wife. It was bad, very bad.


----------



## WilliamM

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> I have access to everything. Shes never calling the guy or anything. Only snapchat. And that requires rooting. Wich again renders alot of other apps as useless. Like netflix, bank-apps ect. They check this nowadays. 😊


So she was sexting him before, and she keeps on sexting him with snapchat.

Somewhere someone mentioned why are people so concerned. People are just a bit amazed, is all. She has snapchat. Which means all your protestations about her not doing this or that sound ludicrous.

You are in such denial, people are just surprised. I guess it's like watching a big car crash. People are fascinated and want to talk about it and be involved.

You say she's never calling the guy or anything, only snapchat. That's like saying someone doesn't have any guns or anything, only a fully automatic AK-47.

Good luck, I don't blame you for wanting some proof just because, but denying she is having an affair just makes you look silly. There is nothing wrong with looking silly, but it might allow you to be hurt worse when you finally realize the truth.


----------



## lordmayhem

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



Chaparral said:


> The thing is, many posters here,with experience, seriously doubt you know everything that happened the last time around.
> It's extremely unlikely they were sexting and working together and that's all that happened. If they were in that deep why wouldn't they go all the way. Was his spouse notified?
> 
> You broke the golden rule of reconcile which is no contact. Prevailing wisdom is that any contact means the affair continues. I think you have been in false reconciliation the whole time.
> 
> Have you had a STD test? Have your kids been DNA tested?
> 
> She cheated, she lied, she still keeps him as a friend, she takes more provacative bedroom pictures, she has a notorious cheating app on her phone........your gut was to check the camera......... your probably in the 90% probability rating by now.


I don't think the affair ever ended, it just went underground.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Honestly, the above is your biggest mistake. Even if it was never a physical affair, even if she isn't physically cheating now, even if they are really only friends, she is still in contact and gets to relive the memories of the Emotional Affair every time she sees his name, sees his Facebook, sees him or if he is following her on Snapchat. You can never reconcile with this huge roadblock still in you marriage. It is like a time bomb waiting to go off. You know, like if you tell her about the camera, she'll feel she DESERVES to talk to him about your controlling paranoid behavior.


----------



## straightshooter

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

OP,

I'd love to hear from the geniuses beating you up about spying or whatever you want to call it. What is their plan for you to get the truth. Are you supposed to sit her down at a beautiful restaurant and say *' Honey, if your8e banging another man Id really like you to tell me because I do not want to have to feel guilty about finding out any other way"????*

If no Bh or BW on here ever spied on the cheating spouse there would be no forum here because the majority of us would still be clueless. How many of the guilt trippers have ever been cheated on??/ This self righteous nonsense about they would just leave any relationship outyright where they could not trust their partner is such crap you need to roll your pants up.

You better forget about her privacy and stay your course. And no matter what you do, if you catch her again and stay and then just blindly trust her you really need help. You can R with much worse than she may have done. Notice I said may have done because you do not know squat right now. but if you just catch her and go merrily on your way you will be back again. bet on that. I think youre too smart for that.


----------



## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



straightshooter said:


> OP,
> 
> I'd love to hear from the geniuses beating you up about spying or whatever you want to call it. What is their plan for you to get the truth. Are you supposed to sit her down at a beautiful restaurant and say *' Honey, if your8e banging another man Id really like you to tell me because I do not want to have to feel guilty about finding out any other way"????*
> 
> If no Bh or BW on here ever spied on the cheating spouse there would be no forum here because the majority of us would still be clueless. How many of the guilt trippers have ever been cheated on??/ This self righteous nonsense about they would just leave any relationship outyright where they could not trust their partner is such crap you need to roll your pants up.
> 
> You better forget about her privacy and stay your course. And no matter what you do, if you catch her again and stay and then just blindly trust her you really need help. You can R with much worse than she may have done. Notice I said may have done because you do not know squat right now. but if you just catch her and go merrily on your way you will be back again. bet on that. I think youre too smart for that.


Thanx. I have set up a plan now to install spyware on her phone wich also supports snapchat. It should get an answer pretty quickly if something is going on. Im planning this tonight. 

I will keep you all updated how this develops. 

Sent fra min D6503 via Tapatalk


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Thanx. I have set up a plan now to install spyware on her phone wich also supports snapchat. It should get an answer pretty quickly if something is going on. Im planning this tonight.
> 
> I will keep you all updated how this develops.
> 
> Sent fra min D6503 via Tapatalk


Look for a shared email account where they talk through a draft message that is never sent. Also, I have read where the cheater constantly installs and uninstalls some chat app. Could be a game even. I assume key logger spyware will pick that up.


----------



## straightshooter

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Thanx. I have set up a plan now to install spyware on her phone wich also supports snapchat. It should get an answer pretty quickly if something is going on. Im planning this tonight.
> 
> I will keep you all updated how this develops.
> 
> Sent fra min D6503 via Tapatalk


Just Another Guy,

Remember buddy, there is always the good old fashioned polygraph. You'll have the answer in 30 minutes and if she refuses to take it you also have your answer. You still haven't put VAR in car or GPS on it. I think you are putting too much emphasis on the phone. Burner phones are easy to hide.


----------



## SunCMars

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Thanx. I have set up a plan now to install spyware on her phone wich also supports snapchat. It should get an answer pretty quickly if something is going on. Im planning this tonight.
> 
> I will keep you all updated how this develops.
> 
> Sent fra min D6503 via Tapatalk


If the spyware works, let the forum members know what it is [the brand name].
ex. mSPY

Thanks..


----------



## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Ok, i went for mspy. I tested it my own phone and it works. I just have to root+backup her phone wich requires about 30-40 minutes alone with her phone. Not easy.. Tried nighttime but shes a light sleeper. 

I have this sneaking around and cant wait to get it over with.

Also: everyone keeps says she should take a poly. Theese services does not exactly grow on trees around here (Norway)! 😉


----------



## eric1

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

You'll figure it out. Don't get complacent


----------



## dash74

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> around here (Norway)! 😉


When you said you lived in Norway and your wife is taking nude pics for some reason this quote from Munch popped in my head 

“I have no fear of photography as long as it cannot be used in heaven and in hell.” -Edvard Munch


----------



## TDSC60

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

I was not even aware that there is a program available that can capture Snapchat sessions. What is the name? Let us know how it works.


----------



## SunCMars

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



TDSC60 said:


> I was not even aware that there is a program available that can capture Snapchat sessions. What is the name? Let us know how it works.


mSPY......I read up on it.

Let us see if it lives up to it's claims.


----------



## ricky15100

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Is it illegal to drop a couple of sleeping tablets in her night time drink?

Sent from my A0001 using Tapatalk


----------



## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Ok, phone is rooted and mspy installed. It was a heck of a undertaking without raising suspicion!

I have my doubts it will work a 100%. I tested it on my own phone first. It only captures snapchat text. Apparently the app has a thing against rooted phones so the tracking is a bit limited. But text would be enough for me anyway. Im not really sure i will find anything though.

My gut feeling last time was spot on. Now its giving me nada. The cam thing i set up earlier more for curiosity rather than suspicion. So we'll just have to wait and see. I will report back soon.


----------



## Lemonman

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

You might wanna try to install this on her laptop. Just in case she happens to have a burner phone. And is doing the talking on that phone.

Snooper - Sound/Voice activated recording software for Windows


----------



## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Well about a week has passed. I still havent found anything concrete as to this beeing a PA. 

The spy-app is working except for images that the OM is sending my wife. So far it was a image of his kid according my wifes reply. She also wrote that OM is sexy in a different post and that she dreamt of him one morning. Im not sure yet what to expect. Could be EA again wich for me is a dealbreaker.

I have also to say the spy-thing is driving me a bit mental. You get so caught up in trying to find anything suspicious. Im getting low appetite (wich is okay.. - I could loose a couple), problems sleeping and getting more emotionally closed off. Im trying not to show this by blaming upset stomach ect. Just trying to be the loving and supporting husband as always! ;-) 

But IF i find anything.. Oh boy do i have a plan.


----------



## WilliamM

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Be strong. Stick to your convictions.

Of course, why is there any contact at all. But you are finding out. That is good.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

If my wife had a history of sexting EA's and was now telling some guy how sexy he is, it would be enough for me to pull the plug.


----------



## bryanp

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

How do you think your wife would act if she found out that
you have written a woman telling her that you think she is sexy and have
dreamed about her as well? This is highly disrespectful to you.

If you do not respect yourself then who will?


----------



## Thor

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

If it weren't for you having 2 kids I would pull the plug instantly on this behavior. She has a history of sexting, and you caught her on hidden camera taking naked pictures of herself. She has texted another man he is sexy, and she had a dream about him. Just this latest exchange certainly seems to be EA territory, probably sexting too.

Imo, kids should only be a tie-breaker. If you could stay or leave, 50/50, flip the coin to decide, then you stay if there are kids. I don't think you are at 50/50 right now, though. She is in an EA of some sort with this guy, and she is partially out of the marriage.

Let's imagine this relationship is only what you've seen so far. She sends these friendly texts back and forth about him being sexy and dreaming of him. They chat about his kids. Let's say it is only that. Is this the kind of commitment to marriage you want out of your wife? Would you be happy into the future with her having these conversations with various men over the next several decades? Is that the kind of emotional attachment in your marriage you are content with? Some people might be ok with that kind of thing. If you're one of them, great. Stop the spying and be happy.

The point is I think your wife is already over the line with what is acceptable to you. Now you're just trying to find something to hang your hat on so you can prove to her or to others you have justification to leave her. A lot of us have been down that same road.


----------



## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



Thor said:


> If it weren't for you having 2 kids I would pull the plug instantly on this behavior. She has a history of sexting, and you caught her on hidden camera taking naked pictures of herself. She has texted another man he is sexy, and she had a dream about him. Just this latest exchange certainly seems to be EA territory, probably sexting too.
> 
> Imo, kids should only be a tie-breaker. If you could stay or leave, 50/50, flip the coin to decide, then you stay if there are kids. I don't think you are at 50/50 right now, though. She is in an EA of some sort with this guy, and she is partially out of the marriage.
> 
> Let's imagine this relationship is only what you've seen so far. She sends these friendly texts back and forth about him being sexy and dreaming of him. They chat about his kids. Let's say it is only that. Is this the kind of commitment to marriage you want out of your wife? Would you be happy into the future with her having these conversations with various men over the next several decades? Is that the kind of emotional attachment in your marriage you are content with? Some people might be ok with that kind of thing. If you're one of them, great. Stop the spying and be happy.
> 
> The point is I think your wife is already over the line with what is acceptable to you. Now you're just trying to find something to hang your hat on so you can prove to her or to others you have justification to leave her. A lot of us have been down that same road.


This is enterly correct sir


----------



## alte Dame

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

I predict that you will look back on this time in your life and be amazed that you accepted this as a lifestyle - playing detective to a wife that shows you steady disrespect.

I'm a proponent of the notion that we often just have to go through things in our lives, let them play out. Sometimes we need to live through everything rather than listen to the experienced voices that tell you unequivocally how this will turn out. This is why we often won't take the best advice from the most seasoned observers.

So, I'm assuming that you have to play this to the end and will just say that what I wish for you is a quick discovery of your smoking gun as you've defined it. If you have self-respect, you will take that smoking gun and run for your life - out of the marriage and into the rest of your life.

You are already plan B for her. Please don't keep yourself stuck indefinitely in plan B-dom. When you get that next piece of evidence of her treachery, let that trigger your exit. Be brave and get out.


----------



## TRy

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> She did everything i asked after this, and we have both agreed to be 100% open from that point on and also to work and have focus on the relationship. Everything has been going real well so far.





justanotherguy80 said:


> Shes not working with him (coworker) anymore and she still has some contact with the guy. Shes actually open about this, but not has to how.


 justanotherguy80, right from the start of this thread you have been contradicting yourself. You say that "Everything has been going real well so far", yet she "still has some contact with" her affair partner. You say that she "agreed to be 100% open" and that "She's actually open", yet she will not tell you as "to how" she is remaining in contact with her affair partner. The truth be told, her remaining in contact with her affair partner over the last 4 years, even thought she no longer even works with him anymore, and her refusing to tell you how she has been remaining in contact with him, means that things have not been going well and she has been anything but 100% open with you. What you have been living with the last 4 years is called false reconciliation. 

One of the few things that you will find almost 100% agreement with on this site is that for an affair to be fully over the cheater must agree to zero contact with their affair partner, and that going forward there must be full transparency without complaint. You have neither of those. If you do decide to continue with this marriage, her agreeing to both of these things should be a minimum requirement.


----------



## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

There is no question i will confront her (and him exposed to wife). For me however i must admit there is a degree of infidelity i can accept wich will consist of work from her part. 

A PA and/or a heavy EA would mean instant seperation and divorce. A light AE/personal friendship that has gone to far i can accept (but not without full expose and several demands from my part). Im still unsure into wich category she falls in. But i will find out sooner or later. Right now i wil just play business as usual and let all my traps do the work. This luckily takes no more work from my part. 

I still have motion activated cam, spyware on phone and a VAR / phone with VAR-app (for just in case).


----------



## Edmund

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Thanks, this does make sense to me. I havent had trust issues until now and i probably should get rid of cam after i get to the bottom of this.
> 
> Her rationale was earlier the male attention she was getting.


Without you getting any more intel it seems obvious to me anyway from your posts that your W is addicted to getting affirmation of her sex appeal from other men. Other than this, you say your M is OK. Many married men have a porn addiction as well, visit sex chat rooms etc. Usually not women because they usually have to have a relationship first, before sex. I think you have to decide whether you can accomodate her addiction to a degree, or she has to get un-addicted cold turkey. I doubt the latter will work... and what you have posted suggests that it failed. So it comes down to where the two of you draw the line. I think this board has a lot of folks who have zero tolerance for extramarital sexual activity, which is fine, so you are getting that viewpoint. I would just say that there are degrees of extramarital sex that some married folks have and still stay married.

1 the husband may allow or particpate in wife posting sexy pictures and getting feedback comments see "WatchersWeb" google for link
2 they may be "swingers" see "Swingers Board" google for link
3 they may be into hotwifing see "Our Hotwives" dot org google for link
4 they may have an open marriage

For disclosure, I am very old (64), married 38 years to same woman, we are mostly happy, and we don't do any of the above. If my wife wanted to, I would be OK with #1, maybe consider very limited #2, absolutely not #3 or #4. (#3 and #4 almost always end in divorce). Your wife may be just at #1 at this point.

The key for success in all of these (they say) is complete communication, honesty and transparency between the spouses. No secrets. Even then, some of these arrangements end in divorce. In OP's case, you are both keeping big secrets from each other (your surveillance and her sexting). Continuing like this will end badly.

I think you need to sit down with her without kids and distractions around and have a heart to heart talk about what level of extramarital sex with others you each want and/or could tolerate in the other -- and still stay happily married. You should agree in advance not to get angry, accuse each other, call names, etc. but understand that you are at the precipice of divorce anyway, and you want to understand the situation fully before doing something irreversable that will probably hurt your childen. Obviously, if you are far apart on this (e.g. you want total exclusivity, she wants open marriage), then the next step is to discuss and consider an amicable divorce and time frame for such.

Don't beat me up other posters, this is just an opinion, I am not advising what they should do other than talking and coming clean with each other instead of the James Bond stuff.

I hope it turns out well for everyone involved.


----------



## Edmund

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> There is no question i will confront her (and him exposed to wife). For me however i must admit there is a degree of infidelity i can accept wich will consist of work from her part.
> 
> A PA and/or a heavy EA would mean instant seperation and divorce. A light AE/personal friendship that has gone to far i can accept (but not without full expose and several demands from my part). Im still unsure into wich category she falls in. But i will find out sooner or later. Right now i wil just play business as usual and let all my traps do the work. This luckily takes no more work from my part.
> 
> I still have motion activated cam, spyware on phone and a VAR / phone with VAR-app (for just in case).


Sorry I did not see this post until I had already submitted my last post. Hope you can reach the conclusion you want.


----------



## Noble1

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

I hope things work out for you.

Like others have said, the life you have described, in my personal opinion, is not one worth saving.

Your wife seems to be engaging in not marriage friendly activities and you seem to be ok with at least some of it.

Good luck and I hope you get the ending that you want.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Shes not working with him (coworker) anymore and she still has some contact with the guy. Shes actually open about this, but not has to how. I know its snapchat because i have pincode and youre always able to see last recipiants.
> 
> I think i will just sit tight for a while to see if this is a reoccouring thing and find some way to discreetly gather evidence (if there is any). I guess easiest and fastest way would ne to hack phone and snapchat somehow. Not sure if this even exists.
> 
> Sent fra min SM-G925F via Tapatalk


I'm late to this party, but if you see that she is still exchanging Snapchat messages with this guy then that would be enough for me.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Well about a week has passed. I still havent found anything concrete as to this beeing a PA.
> 
> The spy-app is working except for images that the OM is sending my wife. So far it was a image of his kid according my wifes reply. *She also wrote that OM is sexy in a different post and that she dreamt of him one morning.* Im not sure yet what to expect. Could be EA again wich for me is a dealbreaker.
> 
> I have also to say the spy-thing is driving me a bit mental. You get so caught up in trying to find anything suspicious. Im getting low appetite (wich is okay.. - I could loose a couple), problems sleeping and getting more emotionally closed off. Im trying not to show this by blaming upset stomach ect. Just trying to be the loving and supporting husband as always! ;-)
> 
> *But IF i find anything.. *Oh boy do i have a plan.


What else you need?

I get you want definitive proof of a PA. But short of walking in on them doing the deed, most folks don't get that proof.


----------



## straightshooter

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Just Another Guy

Yes, you will get your proof, but you keep moving the bar so why bother. Seems like unless you catch them in bed you are going to talk to her or confront her or whatever you call it.
First it was if shes at it again you're done. now, you already catch her telling another man she's dreaming of him and thats Ok. No problem.

Seems like your best bet is to tell her you know whats going on and tell her she does not have to hide it. It will save you a lot of trouble since all you are going to do is repeat the same expectations as the last time. How did that work out/??


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> There is no question i will confront her (and him exposed to wife). For me however i must admit there is a degree of infidelity i can accept wich will consist of work from her part.
> 
> A PA and/or a heavy EA would mean instant seperation and divorce. A light AE/personal friendship that has gone to far i can accept (but not without full expose and several demands from my part). Im still unsure into wich category she falls in. But i will find out sooner or later. Right now i wil just play business as usual and let all my traps do the work. This luckily takes no more work from my part.
> 
> I still have motion activated cam, spyware on phone and a VAR / phone with VAR-app (for just in case).


Lie to yourself not us okay? Parsing this into light vs heavy is ridiculous AFTER the person has been caught at least once. No, SHE knows better than to send nude pics and sexy talk to another man because IT ALREADY happened. Go get some counseling to figure out why you like to be a doormat. No, I'm being serious. You KNEW this would happen again otherwise, you'd have ZERO spying crap in your home after the first incident. You left the camera up, your subconscious mind was reading her behavioral shift and you went RIGHT to the camera. To me, this means you didn't believe her words or actions after the first incident. See the earlier post and sincerely ask if this what you want to do again. 2 times is not a mistake or an accident, it is on purpose.

There is no category because she had her chance. This is you looking for an out because you are scared of the outcome. This is okay, but be honest and quit lying to yourself.


----------



## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



phillybeffandswiss said:


> Lie to yourself not us okay? Parsing this into light vs heavy is ridiculous AFTER the person has been caught at least once. No, SHE knows better than to send nude pics and sexy talk to another man because IT ALREADY happened. Go get some counseling to figure out why you like to be a doormat. No, I'm being serious. You KNEW this would happen again otherwise, you'd have ZERO spying crap in your home after the first incident. You left the camera up, your subconscious mind was reading her behavioral shift and you went RIGHT to the camera. To me, this means you didn't believe her words or actions after the first incident. See the earlier post and sincerely ask if this what you want to do again. 2 times is not a mistake or an accident, it is on purpose.
> 
> There is no category because she had her chance. This is you looking for an out because you are scared of the outcome. This is okay, but be honest and quit lying to yourself.


Yes i admit i am afraid for future, kids ect. I will wait it out anyway until i have concrete proof. I feel one side of me just wants this to be over another side huge anger. But im keeping calm on the outside.

If i am going to expose, i am going to hit her/him hard and sudden. Karma is going to be a ***** 

Im not sure if this is a good idea yet. Is there a gratification feeling when exposing hard?


----------



## Jasel

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Is there a gratification feeling when exposing hard?


I think it will depend on her reaction.


----------



## Andy1001

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Yes i admit i am afraid for future, kids ect. I will wait it out anyway until i have concrete proof. I feel one side of me just wants this to be over another side huge anger. But im keeping calm on the outside.
> 
> If i am going to expose, i am going to hit her/him hard and sudden. Karma is going to be a *****
> 
> Im not sure if this is a good idea yet. Is there a gratification feeling when exposing hard?


How many times are you going to draw a line in the sand,watch her step across it and then you draw another one.


----------



## eric1

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Install software that allows you to block software on a phone and block Snapchat. Just play dumb about it for a few days. 

She's attention-starved and maybe in love. They will pivot to something else quickly.


----------



## Chaparral

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

You haven't caught her taking anymore pictures? Many take pictures in the bathroom or in front of a mirror. Still, it seems odd she hasn't taken anymore from the bed.


----------



## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



Chaparral said:


> You haven't caught her taking anymore pictures? Many take pictures in the bathroom or in front of a mirror. Still, it seems odd she hasn't taken anymore from the bed.


She hasnt taken anything. In fact it seems they are not contacting each other regularly. At the same time she is super loving to me. Says im handsome ect. Sex is great )and always has been). In fact nothing is out of order with her behaviour .

So other than a little to intimate text i got nothing yet. Im going to keep low for a few weeks now. Im learning that this this forum is making me a bit paranoid and on edge. Wich again messes a bit with my daily mental state. ;-) 

I will be back later and keep you updated if youre interested.


----------



## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

I exposed today. I wasnt meaning to but i knew they were meeting at a public place and i couldnt keep it together. I told her i know about the sexy pics, text and everything. I told her i want divorce.

Lots and lots of crying on her part offcourse but i stood my ground. Im not sure what will happen next or if this really will end up in a divorce or not, but im glad i dont have to do this secresy bull**** anymore. Finally done coping! 

And no, my sources were not revealed and are safe (so far) and i will probably take it to my grave before im telling (except for you guys). 

Thanx for all the tips and guidelines everyone! Its really been helpfull that i sort of could vent in here.


----------



## Be smart

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

You have been playing "private detective" for 4 years. She cheated once,twice... How more do you need ???


----------



## drifting on

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

So I'm assuming that the crying was she admitted to the sexting? Has she said how many times? Does OM's wife know? Is she mad at you for exposing? Has she admitted to a physical affair?

Before you even think of reconciling file for divorce and have her served at work. I'm not saying to divorce or reconcile but instead to file, you can stop the divorce if you choose, but I wouldn't make that decision until you have waited six months. Any continued contact from here should end with her moving out.


----------



## turnera

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

So sorry. Has she handed over her phone and/or taken all passwords off her electronics? Or are you just moving straight to divorce?


----------



## WilliamM

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Of course you can do whatever works for you. It's just that you shouldn't make your decisions based on denial and hiding from the truth.

My wife has no secrets. As mentioned, some apps are forbidden, such as Snapchat. My wife knows everything she does must be completely transparent to me. 

I can't see how anyone could live with less than that.

Good luck.


----------



## straightshooter

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

*


justanotherguy80 said:



I exposed today. I wasnt meaning to but i knew they were meeting at a public place and i couldnt keep it together. I told her i know about the sexy pics, text and everything. I told her i want divorce.

Lots and lots of crying on her part offcourse but i stood my ground. Im not sure what will happen next or if this really will end up in a divorce or not, but im glad i dont have to do this secresy bull**** anymore. Finally done coping! 

And no, my sources were not revealed and are safe (so far) and i will probably take it to my grave before im telling (except for you guys). 

Thanx for all the tips and guidelines everyone! Its really been helpfull that i sort of could vent in here. 

Click to expand...

*

So lets see if I get this right. Now not only do you know shes sending him pictures, but this was more than that because she is meeting him. And what do you think would happen after they met in this public space???? 

Now you just made another big mistake. You told her you were divorcing her, she turned on the tears, and now youre not sure how this will end. you have just drawn a big red line in the sand and if absolutely nothing happens you are dead meat long term. You need to take the advice and file for divorce ( you can stop it) and that puts ALL the burden on her to do something but cry and tell you shes sorry. 

You know you did not do the right thing the last time. She had no consequences and here you are again. Why will her behavior change.

next after the tears you will get the offer to give you passwords, phone, etc, and then the therapy bull ****. You need her to agree to a polygraph so you can stop playing detective and get the real truth as to whether or not she has been banging this new guy. if you believe what she mumbles to you through the tears you are making a big mistake.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

You did the right thing. You have to wonder how many dates she's arranged over the past 4 years. Stand firm. Don't be swayed by the crying. She made this mess all by herself and never deserved the second chance you gave her.


----------



## eric1

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

You need to listen to @straightshooter. Tears are nature's way of getting sympathy. She's just covering her tracks now, plain and simple.


----------



## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

No worries. I am going to file. Im nobodys cuckold.


----------



## bandit.45

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Preemptively tell her family why you are divorcing her, before she has a chance to run to them and spread lies about you.


----------



## TX-SC

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Yeah, I think I'd just go ahead and file. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


----------



## eric1

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



bandit.45 said:


> Preemptively tell her family why you are divorcing her, before she has a chance to run to them and spread lies about you.




Expose far and wide. Tell everyone in your support network. This isn't your burden to carry.


----------



## straightshooter

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> No worries. I am going to file. Im nobodys cuckold.


Now there's a good move!!! And do not get into this worthless discussion on how or where. Get to an attorney or whatever they call them in Norway or whereve.

Stay focused on your wife!!! This OM is not your problem. He just wants to get laid and he made no vows to you. If they were meeting in public this is not the first time. Women do not go prancing around with their affair OM if they give a **** about their marriage or if they are not comfortable . You better be prepared to hear some crap you do not want to.

Just A Guy, you MUST ignore the tears. YOUR WIFE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH ANOTHER MAN AND NOW SHE HAS BEEN CAUGHT. AGAIN!!! For the second D Day. 

You do not run to any therapy until you are sure you have the truth. And you are not there yet


----------



## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

I also told OMs wife. It actually was a good old revenge feeling!  

Alot of you guys always presumed i was going to let this slide. It was never my intention. First facts straight and then confront.


----------



## drifting on

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> I also told OMs wife. It actually was a good old revenge feeling!
> 
> Alot of you guys always presumed i was going to let this slide. It was never my intention. First facts straight and then confront.




Informing OM's wife isn't revenge, it's a slap of reality to the face of both your wife and OM. Revenge is not your goal, your goal is to live happy and healthy. You expose so the affair ends, so that the BW can now be set free of her lie of a marriage. How hard is your wife pushing to get you to stay? How much is she saying she didn't sext? Is she still saying it wasn't physical? Get these answers, then file for adultery and list the OM.


----------



## turnera

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> I also told OMs wife. It actually was a good old revenge feeling!
> 
> Alot of you guys always presumed i was going to let this slide. It was never my intention. First facts straight and then confront.


Unfortunately, most men who come here DO let it slide. It's good to see someone take a stand. 

btw, telling her parents/siblings why you're divorcing is important because she's never going to tell them the truth; in fact, she's going to tell them that you were horrible, she held on as long as she could, but couldn't take it anymore, and SHE left YOU. In other words, setting you up so as to have to give her all your money while she keeps the kids. You know, because you're so horrible you shouldn't have access to them.

Whoever tells them first is usually the one believed.


----------



## SunCMars

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Sorry, my friend.

The door is beginning to close on your marriage. 

Rushing marital Limbo is gone from your life. Same with Sherlock at Home.

As painful as it is.........now you know the rest of the story.

This explains her increased sexual advances as of late. For guilt reasons, for physical reasons. Maybe to keep you off her trail.

Shame on her.

Rebuild yourself.


----------



## TDSC60

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> I exposed today. I wasnt meaning to but i knew they were meeting at a public place and i couldnt keep it together. I told her i know about the sexy pics, text and everything. I told her i want divorce.
> 
> Lots and lots of crying on her part offcourse but i stood my ground. Im not sure what will happen next or if this really will end up in a divorce or not, but im glad i dont have to do this secresy bull**** anymore. Finally done coping!
> 
> And no, my sources were not revealed and are safe (so far) and i will probably take it to my grave before im telling (except for you guys).
> 
> Thanx for all the tips and guidelines everyone! Its really been helpfull that i sort of could vent in here.


If they are/were meeting in person, there was a lot more that just pictures and texts going on. Men don't just date another man's wife just to be friendly.


----------



## eric1

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> I also told OMs wife. It actually was a good old revenge feeling!
> 
> Alot of you guys always presumed i was going to let this slide. It was never my intention. First facts straight and then confront.




Home run hit. Amazing job demanding simple respect.


----------



## straightshooter

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> I also told OMs wife. It actually was a good old revenge feeling!
> 
> Alot of you guys always presumed i was going to let this slide. It was never my intention. First facts straight and then confront.


Just a Guy

And what was her reaction. ??? If possible , you want to maintain dialogue with her. 
(1) it gives you better chance to verify what she tells you. He may confess to PA while your wife tries to trickle truth you
(2) if by some chance you attempt R ( not a good idea), if his wife dumps him then he is a free agent and will pursue your wife again with nothing to lose, as well as you not being his favorite person.
(3) if your wife, who should have dumped him immediately tells you she knows you told his wife, then you know they are still in contact somehow or how else would she know that.

And now you have to get ready for the barrage of "I'm sorry, I'll never do it again". My guess is you've heard that one before.

Her family is going to come down on her side no matter what so do not think they will be much help. Blood is thicker than water.

And what you are doing is not revenge. It's called respecting yourself. But Tunera is correct. The majority of men will now go into "pick me ' mode. You will survive this and find someone worthy. What you do not know is the extent of this affair and that is a must. She is going to go into full begging pity party mode and DO N OT listen to a minute of it, and again I tell you stay the hell away from any MC right now. The last thing you need is some genius telling you the affair is not the problem but that your marriage is. If you decide to stick to D, why do you give a **** why she did anything or if she gets any "help".

Stay strong. You did the exact right thing so far.


----------



## WilliamM

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

You don't really need to know the extent of the affair. If you just walk away, and divorce her without a look back, who cares. It doesn't matter at all what the extent of the affair was.

You will never get anything called "closure" on this, no matter what you may think.

Just walk away, and get on with your life, without her.


----------



## sokillme

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> I exposed today. I wasnt meaning to but i knew they were meeting at a public place and i couldnt keep it together. I told her i know about the sexy pics, text and everything. I told her i want divorce.
> 
> Lots and lots of crying on her part offcourse but i stood my ground. Im not sure what will happen next or if this really will end up in a divorce or not, but im glad i dont have to do this secresy bull**** anymore. Finally done coping!
> 
> And no, my sources were not revealed and are safe (so far) and i will probably take it to my grave before im telling (except for you guys).
> 
> Thanx for all the tips and guidelines everyone! Its really been helpfull that i sort of could vent in here.


What would make you think anything would change. You only have the ability to change yourself and you should because something is wrong that you want to stay with such a toxic person.


----------



## sokillme

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> I also told OMs wife. It actually was a good old revenge feeling!
> 
> Alot of you guys always presumed i was going to let this slide. It was never my intention. First facts straight and then confront.


You take her back after cheating on you twice and you let it slide. When someone repeatedly shows you who they are it's best to believe them. There is no happy ending with this women.


----------



## alte Dame

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Good, strong, assertive move! Kudos!

And I would call what you did 'confronting,' not 'exposing.' Please follow this up with exposure to friends and family, as so many wise people here have advised.

Good luck going forward!


----------



## SunCMars

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

You have been loving an image.

An image, certainly beautiful, certainly warm, certainly vaginal........

When she faltered before, she puffed you up with her off-gassing.

In return, and in your mind, you re-inflated her image...warily did so, worryingly, did so.

Now, she has popped. A gash so wide, her form never to inflate again.....in your' eyes. 

In another's eyes? She will be re-inflated. 

And on and on, until some god puffs her up, never more. When her eyes meet the dirt that created her....all of us.


----------



## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

And by the way, many of you guys were right. All of the truth came out and also im able to crosscheck it with OMs wife and that i collected in spymode.

It was full (oral) PA at work last year.
She begs me to reconcider divorce and would do anything to make me reconcider. Im still going through with it. I feel sick. :-S


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> And by the way, many of you guys were right. All of the truth came out and also im able to crosscheck it with OMs wife and that i collected in spymode.
> 
> It was full (oral) PA at work last year.
> She begs me to reconcider divorce and would do anything to make me reconcider. Im still going through with it. I feel sick. :-S


If she admitted oral it means intercourse. More than once. Sorry.


----------



## turnera

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

So sorry. 

For those reading:
If they say nothing happened, something happened.
If they say it was just talking, it was kissing.
If they say it was just kissing, it was fondling.
If they say it was just fondling, it was clothes off.
If they say it was just clothes off, it was oral.
If they say it was just oral, it was intercourse.
If they say it was just once, it was 3 times.
If they say it was just 3 times, it was months.


----------



## SunCMars

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Oral is true...

Words delivered in her ear, one tongue delivered syllable at a time.

Oral action:

The mouth is controlled by the brain, the brain by past rote, root training. Goaded by her hormonally stimulated imagination. 

The mouth is not an island unto itself. It is not separate from the whole. She ****ed him with her brain.

His tongue entered her [at some opening]...... his penis entered her mouth. 

Likely the latter, she delivered the oral. Why? Work is not an easy place to comfortably accommodate a women's needed contortions for receiving oral. Certainly possible.
He kissed her lips, put his tongue in her mouth, held his body, long and hard against her. That is enough.

She said it was oral a year ago. Turnera is spot on. A lot of time passed, after the fact. She did not nip it in the bud afterwords....oh, maybe she did, repeatedly.

Matters not.....treachery done twice is Divorce worthy ad 'nauseum.

She had her chance. She had her chance and she dropped it. She dropped to her knees...for another man. Again.


----------



## GusPolinski

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> And by the way, many of you guys were right. All of the truth came out and also im able to crosscheck it with OMs wife and that i collected in spymode.
> 
> It was full (oral) PA at work last year.
> She begs me to reconcider divorce and would do anything to make me reconcider. Im still going through with it. I feel sick. :-S


Hate saying "told you so" in these situations, but yeah... told you so.

Also, same OM as last time?


----------



## Tatsuhiko

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> She begs me to reconcider divorce and would do anything to make me reconcider. Im still going through with it. I feel sick. :-S


Yeah, she begged you three years ago and look where it got you. Three more years of kissing her on that mouth.


----------



## GusPolinski

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



turnera said:


> So sorry.
> 
> For those reading:
> If they say nothing happened, something happened.
> If they say it was just talking, it was kissing.
> If they say it was just kissing, it was fondling.
> If they say it was just fondling, it was clothes off.
> If they say it was just clothes off, it was oral.
> If they say it was just oral, it was intercourse.
> If they say it was just once, it was 3 times.
> If they say it was just 3 times, it was months.


Quick... someone get turnera a stone tablet, a hammer, and a chisel.


----------



## drifting on

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Is it really true she will do whatever you want to reconsider? Then have her agree to your terms of divorce. Tell her she said anything. If she agrees to give a favorable divorce to you, tell her you will give her a favorable spot in your dating rotation. After all, why shouldn't you be having the same fun as her on the side like she has? My personal favorite question that you can ask is, "what do you bring to the table that would make me want to stay with you"? Followed by, why should I share you with another man?

These two questions have no plausible answer that they can give. Either way, she is unable to give you a single solitary answer that you could accept. I would file asap, have her served at work, list adultery and OM as to why, then wait six months to decide. Give yourself time, don't make a knee jerk reaction decision you may regret. Have your feet on solid ground and then decide. 

Implement the 180 and begin to detach. When she cries just walk away, show her what her choices have done to you. Whatever you do I wouldn't have sex with her. Good luck.


----------



## turnera

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

I agree. Divorce anyway and THEN see what she does. Tell her if she's still going to 'do anything,' she can do it once you two have divided up assets, so that if you do date her again, you're protected.


----------



## Taxman

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

She lied and deceived for a good long time. Time for consequences. A divorce and exposure is a great starting point. 
Did she even venture to explain herself? Not that it matters much, but it would be interesting to find out.


----------



## TAMAT

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Good opportunity to ask for a polygraph.


----------



## SunCMars

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



turnera said:


> I agree. Divorce anyway and THEN see what she does. Tell her if she's still going to 'do anything,' she can do it once you two have divided up assets, so that if you do date her again, you're protected.


You have morphed a bit.

This blog and maturity does this.

You can have reconciliation with most anyone, minus a Narcissist, those on the spectrum and those who are bona-fide BPD

And men who are boner-fide selfish jerks.

Just sayin'


----------



## bandit.45

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



GusPolinski said:


> Quick... someone get turnera a stone tablet, a hammer, and a chisel.


...and Charleton Heston to haul it down off the mountain....


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



SunCMars said:


> You have morphed a bit.
> 
> This blog and maturity does this.
> 
> You can have reconciliation with most anyone, minus a Narcissist, those on the spectrum and those who are bona-fide BPD
> 
> And men who are boner-fide selfish jerks.
> 
> Just sayin'


No, she hasn't morphed at all. She takes each thread on its own and gives advice. I've seen her give divorce and reconciliation advice based on how she perceives the situation the entire time I've been here.

Dudes wife is unrepentant and he should divorce. Let's pretend she was true these last 4 years and she just slipped with a little oral (LOL). Well, her actions show she escalates each time. The first time is sexting only. The second time is sexting, calling someone sexy in hidden conversations is sexting to me, with nude photos and a set up for a date. Again, lets pretend this is the 100% truth. It doesn't negate the FACT, she escalates each time. So, what, 4 years later she brings him home an STD? Better yet, she does what men hate, probably more than women despise men who cheat on pregnant wives, paternity fraud?

This is one of those threads, even with kids, he needs to stand up for what is right for him and the kids not his wife.


----------



## SunCMars

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



phillybeffandswiss said:


> No, she hasn't morphed at all. She takes each thread on its own and gives advice. I've seen her give divorce and reconciliation advice based on how she perceives the situation the entire time I've been here.
> 
> Dudes wife is unrepentant and he should divorce. Let's pretend she was true these last 4 years and she just slipped. Well, her actions show she escalates each time. The first time is sexting only. The second time is sexting, calling someone sexy in hidden conversations is sexting to me, with nude photos and a set up for a date. Again, lets pretend this is the 100% truth. It doesn't negate the FACT, she escalates each time. So, what, 4 years later she bring him home an STD? Better yet, she does what men hate, probably more than women despise men who cheat on pregnant wives, paternity fraud?
> 
> This is one of those threads, even with kids, he needs to stand up for what is right for him and the kids not his wife.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## straightshooter

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

[*QUOTE=justanotherguy80;17980849]And by the way, many of you guys were right. All of the truth came out and also im able to crosscheck it with OMs wife and that i collected in spymode.

It was full (oral) PA at work last year.
She begs me to reconcider divorce and would do anything to make me reconcider. Im still going through with it. I feel sick. :-S[/QUOTE]
*

Read that again. It was full blown oral at work LAST YEAR, and yet she is still meeting him in person right now??? And you really believe that they were just going for coffee and have not been banging all this time????

And of curse she wants you to give her another chance. You already did that once. How did that work out??? They always want another chance when busted.


----------



## turnera

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



phillybeffandswiss said:


> No, she hasn't morphed at all.


Oh, were you talking to me, Sun? I thought you were talking to the OP.


----------



## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Well, stories checked out regarding oral ect. The OM also spilled guts to his wife. And both of them knows that we're talking and sharing info. My wife is doing anything to keep me and seems cincere about it. Im still kicking her out though. Just until i can get my head straight so i can make my next move. Im really hurting because of all the exposed info and need time to digest a bit. Im spending my time with kids now and trying to remember eating. Lost like 4-5 kgs just in a few weeks.

I still havent shared anything regarding me finding out so that is still up and running.


----------



## GusPolinski

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Well, stories checked out regarding oral ect. The OM also spilled guts to his wife. And both of them knows that we're talking and sharing info. My wife is doing anything to keep me and seems cincere about it. Im still kicking her out though. Just until i can get my head straight so i can make my next move. Im really hurting because of all the exposed info and need time to digest a bit. Im spending my time with kids now and trying to remember eating. Lost like 4-5 kgs just in a few weeks.
> 
> I still havent shared anything regarding me finding out so that is still up and running.


1. It was more than "just oral".

2. Serials don't change.


----------



## RWB

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Well, stories checked out regarding oral etc.


Your WW and AP know the jigs up and rehearsed their story. Your WW has been in a full blown PA prior to DD1. What most BS don't understand (initially) is that PA don't need regular weekly contact. Months can pass and one email later back to the hotel no-tell. 



justanotherguy80 said:


> The OM also spilled guts to his wife. And both of them knows that we're talking and sharing info.


So are they.



justanotherguy80 said:


> My wife is doing anything to keep me and seems sincere about it.


I would say about 1 dollar and 4 years to late.


----------



## hylton7

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

what is your wife doing to keep you?


----------



## Taxman

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Have her stay out, and file for divorce. Unfortunately, she needs a consequence for her actions. Until you decide whether you want to divorce or reconcile, the divorce process should proceed, and she must be removed from your residence. Sewing the scarlet A on her, so to speak, by exposing to everyone concerned, parents, relatives etc. should serve as a piece of her penance. IF AND ONLY IF YOU OFFER THE GIFT OF RECONCILIATION.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

No, the stories aren't confirmed. You already know they are communicating in a fashion which is hard for you to detect. 



> My wife is doing anything to keep me and seems cincere about it.


Hmmmmm......... Interesting. Are you implying she wasn't "sincere" last time with the reconciliation? 

Here's what you said in the OP.


> *She did everything i asked after this, and we have both agreed to be 100% open* from that point on and also to work and have focus on the relationship.


 You've already heard this song, time to stop listening.
Think about the guilt you felt, remember the pain, remember the stress and recall you said this board was making you paranoid. Turned out, everything you saw and felt negatively about yourself was wrong. Especially, the guilt you were displaying over the camera. You've had to spy on your wife twice, why make it a third, fourth or fifth time? You are not a warden, you are a husband and a father. You do not need another title.


Personally, I'd move on. You have NO CLUE when this restarted or what number this guy is since the first incident.
No, I am not saying it is easy, I know you have kids, I know it is a big decision and I know just about every reason you are going to use. If your wife was sincere, you wouldn't be dealing with this again. You'd have checked the camera, saw NOTHING and removed it. You might have told her because it was 4 years ago when "She did everything i asked after this " and it is your turn to be 100% open.

You fell for it once, why would you do it again?




One other thing, don't you EVER tell her about the camera, unless you are being vindictive after the divorce, she will throw it right back in your face and then the real drama will begin. Don't believe me? Go look at some of the reactions in this thread to your hidden camera.


----------



## bandit.45

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Until she comes fully clean as to the extent of her affair, divorce should be your only goal.


----------



## SunCMars

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



bandit.45 said:


> Until she comes fully clean as to the extent of her affair, divorce should be your only goal.


His only goal should be divorce.

She is mud. No Tide can clean her up.

She doe not deserve any forgiveness.


----------



## TDSC60

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Your wife had you and the kids for the everyday ho hum boring family life. While she had you, her husband, as a safe Plan B. She had her OM for excitement, dangerous encounters (sex at work), and the wild, bad girl side of life. She thought she could keep both separate. Laughing at how she was keeping you in the dark about her secret life.

She is addicted to this dangerous side of life and will eventually be drawn into it again. You cannot trust her.


----------



## WasDecimated

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



turnera said:


> So sorry.
> 
> For those reading:
> If they say nothing happened, something happened.
> If they say it was just talking, it was kissing.
> If they say it was just kissing, it was fondling.
> If they say it was just fondling, it was clothes off.
> If they say it was just clothes off, it was oral.
> If they say it was just oral, it was intercourse.
> If they say it was just once, it was 3 times.
> If they say it was just 3 times, it was months.


Hell, even this list is optimistic! My XWW told me she only kissed posOM once. The truth is she was screwing him, at least once a week, for at over 1 1/2 years. Trust nothing of what they say.


----------



## WasDecimated

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Well, stories checked out regarding oral ect. The OM also spilled guts to his wife. And both of them knows that we're talking and sharing info.


Be careful with this. My XWW and posOM had pre-planned (we just kissed once) stories matched up and ready to go in case they were discovered. I would have believed them except OM's wife discovered thousands of emails between them telling a much different story. They couldn't deny their own words.


----------



## GusPolinski

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



Decimated said:


> Be careful with this. My XWW and posOM had pre-planned (we just kissed once) stories matched up and ready to go in case they were discovered. I would have believed them except OM's wife discovered thousands of emails between them telling a much different story. They couldn't deny their own words.


I'll bet they tried anyway.


----------



## TX-SC

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

You are certainly only seeing the tip of the iceburg here. There is more. But, assuming you are divorcing, it really doesn't matter. Just file, start separating your joint possessions and personal items, and move on. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


----------



## straightshooter

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80;17985145[B said:


> ]Well, stories checked out regarding oral ect. The OM also spilled guts to his wife. And both of them knows that we're talking and sharing info. My wife is doing anything to keep me and seems cincere about it. Im still kicking her out though. Just until i can get my head straight so i can make my next move. Im really hurting because of all the exposed info and need time to digest a bit. Im spending my time with kids now and trying to remember eating. Lost like 4-5 kgs just in a few weeks.
> 
> I still havent shared anything regarding me finding out so that is still up and running.[/QUOT[/B]E]
> 
> 
> Gee, what a coincidence. They both have the exact same story. Has it entered your mind that they are still communicating and she contacted him when you busted her.??? You probably never played the game called "Telephone" when you were a kid in norway. You cant tell someone sitting next to you a simple sentence and have it come out exactly the same.
> 
> Now what you really need to get explained is what has been going on for the past who knows how long since supposedly the only blow jobs occurred at work and to now when they are MEETING in public. How can you possibly even consider reconciling based on the information you have, which is nothing other than you have caught her red handed. And if she has not guessed that you are spying on her at home somehow, she either has a single digit IQ or she is communicating with him a bunch of ways that you could have caught her at since you say she has no idea of your spyware.
> 
> You have only the tip of the iceberg my friend . Read the title of your thread!!!* "Wife probably sexting"*. You got that one wrong. Now go read the majority of threads by others that say they suspect an EA.
> 
> And lastly, take the advice you just got and read the advice of the experts beating the crap out of you for darting to spy on your cheating wife. So far, thats the best decision you have made unless you would rather be clueless.
> 
> Now you dropped the divorce red line in the sand. If some tears make that go away, you are making one foolish decision. You can stop a divorce any time you want to AFTER she convinces you of the truth.


----------



## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Yes they did sex try but backed out. This my wife told me. Stories checks out because i still have all my traps set wich were never revealed. They never talked after i confronted. This actually i know.

I learned alot in this prosess and i took alot of adwize from the forums here. I feel hurt after everything but also in control. My main focus is now me and the kids. Wife is out so long.

She is working towards reconciliation and doing the correct actions to meet my demands so far. But im not letting her in.

I kind of feel alot of the posters are pretty negative of my way of doing things. I cant really see why.


----------



## straightshooter

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Yes they did sex try but backed out. This my wife told me. Stories checks out because i still have all my traps set wich were never revealed. They never talked after i confronted. This actually i know.
> 
> I learned alot in this prosess and i took alot of adwize from the forums here. I actually feel hurt after everything but also in control. My main focus is now me and the kids. Wife is out so long.
> 
> *She is working towards reconciliation and doing the correct actions to meet my demands so far.*


*
*


How many days has it been???? Two or three???? That is hardly what is needed. its called ACTIONS OVER TIME. And she should be offering and slobbering what she will do, not reacting to your demands. Right now, she is doing what ALL ww who wanted to cake eat do. She will stand on her head right now because she just got caught AND you notified OM's wife ( good move by the way).
Her last episode probably resulted in the exact same immediate response.


----------



## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



straightshooter said:


> [/B]
> 
> 
> How many days has it been???? Two or three???? That is hardly what is needed. its called ACTIONS OVER TIME. And she should be offering and slobbering what she will do, not reacting to your demands. Right now, she is doing what ALL ww who wanted to cake eat do. She will stand on her head right now because she just got caught AND you notified OM's wife ( good move by the way).
> Her last episode probably resulted in the exact same immediate response.


Yes just a few days. I agree. This will take alot of work and time on her side.

I had to quickly set up some rules she is going to follow now in the beginning. I dont have everything mapped yet. Tomorrow i got a date with OMs wife. 

Oh and btw i exposed everything to her sister were she stays just in case.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

We're in your corner. What we're negative about is the possibility that you're going to set yourself up to be chumped for a third time, indirectly tasting OM's fluids once again. We really don't want that to happen.


----------



## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



Tatsuhiko said:


> We're in your corner. What we're negative about is the possibility that you're going to set yourself up to be chumped for a third time, indirectly tasting OM's fluids once again. We really don't want that to happen.


Definatly no way im getting suckered in again.


----------



## GusPolinski

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Yes just a few days. I agree. This will take alot of work and time on her side.
> 
> I had to quickly set up some rules she is going to follow now in the beginning. I dont have everything mapped yet. Tomorrow i got a date with OMs wife.
> 
> Oh and btw i exposed everything to her sister were she stays just in case.


LOL...

What kinds of rules?

New job?

100% NC with OM going forward?

100% transparency with devices, email, and social media accounts pretty much forever?

_Immediate_ trip to the dentist...? :rofl:

Oh, she's still lying, BTW.

They banged.

A lot.


----------



## straightshooter

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Yes just a few days. I agree. This will take alot of work and time on her side.
> 
> I had to quickly set up some rules she is going to follow now in the beginning. I dont have everything mapped yet. Tomorrow i got a date with OMs wife.
> 
> Oh and btw i exposed everything to her sister were she stays just in case.


Just A Guy

Norway is a very sophisticated educated country. When we visited the fjords they had internet and all the conveniences in the most remote places imaginable. Take my word for it, they have polygraph examiners and that is what you need. And you will need it is the future is by some chance you get duped into staying in this marriage.


----------



## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



GusPolinski said:


> LOL...
> 
> What kinds of rules?
> 
> New job?
> 
> 100% NC with OM going forward?
> 
> 100% transparency with devices, email, and social media accounts pretty much forever?
> 
> _Immediate_ trip to the dentist...? :rofl:
> 
> Oh, she's still lying, BTW.
> 
> They banged.
> 
> A lot.


Wow.. Such an expert.. 

Please stop making presumptions of my plans. Am i not doing the right things?

With all dorespect; I see on several post you assume alot of things wich is just not true. Im not trying to be rude or a wiseass or anything.. But its almost like youre happy about the outcome, like about "i told you so" stuff.

You seem to forget i got two young of (7 and 8 years) girls to think of wich comes first. Even after me. So im planning carefully and considering all options all the way.

I had suspicions
I set everything up.
I got my facts
I reacted
And now im coping
What happens next..? We'll see. My daughters and my own self respect is priority no. 1.


----------



## GusPolinski

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Wow.. Such an expert..
> 
> Please stop making presumptions of my plans. Am i not doing the right things?
> 
> With all dorespect; I see on several post you assume alot of things wich is just not true. Im not trying to be rude or a wiseass or anything.. But its almost like youre happy about the outcome, like about "i told you so" stuff.
> 
> You seem to forget i got two young of (7 and 8 years) girls to think of wich comes first. Even after me. So im planning carefully and considering all options all the way.
> 
> I had suspicions
> I set everything up.
> I got my facts
> I reacted
> And now im coping
> What happens next..? We'll see. My daughters and my own self respect is priority no. 1.


Again, what rules?


----------



## TX-SC

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

As noted above, everyone here is on your side. The things we are telling you come from our own observations and experiences. The reality is that although you think you have a clear head about this, you still love your wife (as you should) and so your judgements are inherently skewed. 

We have seen time and time again that what the cheater says is to be considered suspect. They invariably downplay things. There is a very good likelihood that you will find that there is more to this story. More sex acts, more kinds of sex, more feelings involved, probably more trash talking, etc. It's a simple reality that people who cheat will trickle truth you until you have evidence to throw them off and they have to come clean. 

Because you love your wife, your first inclination is to believe her. Even if your gut and instincts say otherwise. This is the problem with cheating. She has shown you she is good at deceiving you. This is a very long-term affair. She got caught, promised to end it, but kept it going right under your nose. 

She is NOT to be trusted. Do not believe a single thing she says to you right now. Only after much counseling and coming to terms with who she really is will you be able to trust her again. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


----------



## GusPolinski

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

And, again, though I wind up saying it quite a bit, I don't actually like saying "I told you so".

Seriously, I don't.

Anyway, your real issue is that you have two things that you want, and they're incompatible:

1) You want a happy marriage and intact family.

2) You want a faithful wife.

Your wife has shown you over and over that you're never going to have #2. So, based on that, you're never going to have #1 unless you take #2 off the table completely.

And your daughters? They don't matter, and here's what I mean by that...

They're not enough to keep your wife from cheating.

Are you starting to understand? (Hopefully yes.)


----------



## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Thanx, yes this i know. Shes not to be trusted. Thats why shes outta here. 

Its just a little frustrating with all the wrongfull assuptions. Also im a bit cranky last few days.. Naturally. ;-)


----------



## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



GusPolinski said:


> And, again, though I wind up saying it quite a bit, I don't actually like saying "I told you so".
> 
> Seriously, I don't.
> 
> Anyway, your real issue is that you have two things that you want, and they're incompatible:
> 
> 1) You want a happy marriage and intact family.
> 
> 2) You want a faithful wife.
> 
> Your wife has shown you over and over that you're never going to have #2. So, based on that, you're never going to have #1 unless you take #2 off the table completely.
> 
> And your daughters? They don't matter, and here's what I mean by that...
> 
> They're not enough to keep your wife from cheating.
> 
> Are you starting to understand? (Hopefully yes.)


Again assumptions.. ;-) 

Never told i was taking her back. Never told i wanted her back. Only told what she is doing and that i set up terms/rules to even remotely for me to concider any kind of reconciliations.


----------



## GusPolinski

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Again assumptions.. ;-)
> 
> Never told i was taking her back. Never told i wanted her back. Only told what she is doing and that i set up terms/rules to even remotely for me to concider any kind of reconciliations.


More like educated guesses. This ain't my first thread, yo.

Divorce means not giving a **** about what she does going forward so long as the kids aren't put in jeopardy.

That you're setting rules or conditions means that you're at least considering reconciliation, especially given your "I've got kids to think about" commentary. And, though, I'd advise against reconciliation in your situation, I'm interested to know more about these rules.

You're here partially because of your very weak response last time around, so I'm interested in hearing more about what you'd do to squash any further infidelity.

By the way, I'm nearly five years out from discovering my wife in an EA, along with the nearly immediate curbstomp of said EA.

So yeah, I know how this goes.


----------



## alte Dame

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

People are reacting skeptically because they don't think your heart is in D. Your heart should be a stone at this point when it comes to your WW. You can 180 and make this happen. It would be for your own good. You detach and start looking at a much better life for yourself.

Right now you're a few days off of confronting, but with a yearning to keep the marriage together. You can tell us all you want that you are divorcing, but we can tell that you are hoping for a different outcome.

The thing is, that different outcome, R, means a life of BS sleuthing and a world of hurt as far as the eye can see. If you don't make a forceful decision to D, you will lose your self-respect, self-esteem, and be back here telling people that you should have listened to the chorus of voices telling you that you have a remorseless serial cheater on your hands who will continue to make your life a misery of mistrust and heartbreak.

That's the source of the negativity. We can sense your hope for R and are screaming 'step away.'


----------



## Andy1001

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Yes they did sex try but backed out. This my wife told me. Stories checks out because i still have all my traps set wich were never revealed. They never talked after i confronted. This actually i know.
> 
> I learned alot in this prosess and i took alot of adwize from the forums here. I feel hurt after everything but also in control. My main focus is now me and the kids. Wife is out so long.
> 
> She is working towards reconciliation and doing the correct actions to meet my demands so far. But im not letting her in.
> 
> I kind of feel alot of the posters are pretty negative of my way of doing things. I cant really see why.


Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice shame on me.
Fool me three times..........


----------



## GusPolinski

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



alte Dame said:


> People are reacting skeptically because they don't think your heart is in D. Your heart should be a stone at this point when it comes to your WW. You can 180 and make this happen. It would be for your own good. You detach and start looking at a much better life for yourself.
> 
> Right now you're a few days off of confronting, but with a yearning to keep the marriage together. You can tell us all you want that you are divorcing, but we can tell that you are hoping for a different outcome.
> 
> The thing is, that different outcome, R, means a life of BS sleuthing and a world of hurt as far as the eye can see. If you don't make a forceful decision to D, you will lose your self-respect, self-esteem, and be back here telling people that you should have listened to the chorus of voices telling you that you have a remorseless serial cheater on your hands who will continue to make your life a misery of mistrust and heartbreak.
> 
> That's the source of the negativity. We can sense your hope for R and are screaming 'step away.'


Exactly ^this^.


----------



## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

I dont see any point in her taking a poly. If they effed or not.. it doesnt really matter to me. Oral and kissing is bad enough. Effing would just be a unimportant detail.

The terms i have set to avoid total termination of all contact with me:
- 100 % honesty ( doesnt really mean anything) 
- Access to everything
- No contact with OM

These are terms i can check to a degree since i still got spyware set up. So far shes has been open according to what i have and know. The PA and details around PA was revield without a fight or pressure from my side. I shared everything with OMs wife so she could verify.

Also because of young kids im taking time to figure out my next steps. Im smart enough not to make importaint life-changing decisions when emotions are high. So im giving it more time.

Im not taking her back. Just giving you all the details of whats going on.


----------



## GusPolinski

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

He's a co-worker, right?

NC will mean she gets a new job.


----------



## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



GusPolinski said:


> He's a co-worker, right?
> 
> NC will mean she gets a new job.


He was a coworker. He changed workplace last year. Most of the PA-episodes happened there. The OM got a kid late last year about same time when he changed workplace. They ended the PA and continued on snapchat with picture exchanges.


----------



## TaDor

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

I know it was earlier on, but just because they haven't talked about intercourse - doesn't mean it didn't happen. I wouldn't be surprised that some cheaters agreed to only stick with an ORAL story if they are busted. There was almost no talk of sex between my wife and OM. But yeah, things happened that were not on recordings or text that she admitted to me, herself. For the betrayed, rarely do we ever get everything - and it may simply not be possible. Going from non-sex to sexual intercourse is easy. Not too long ago, we were at a party (not a sex party) and two drunk people went from fooling around to intercourse in a matter of minutes. Only a few of us saw it... I was amused. But I noted how quick it escalated. My wife told me it happened even faster -from her advantage point. I am aware this isn't helping you - but we simply don't get the truth.

You are open to R, with these rules. Since it seems that much of the affair is over – because he was transferred/left the company… it will be easier for your wife to LEAVE him. But of course, if he did NOT leave that job position, they likely would have continued to have sex – of any type – until you just caught her.

I’m just past one year into starting R. Overall, its going well. But its not always been easy, and by various standards – we’re doing really good. My wife destroyed our family with walking out and two fake Rs. Fake R’s are typical as the cheating rarely stops over night.

But still, everyday – I do NOT forget what she did to me, and our family unit. Still, sometimes – when I sleep next to her, cuddling – I wonder about the OM doing the same to her. That crap hurts. I know that it’ll take a few more years to get to a really good place, *IF* she doesn’t break contact again and starts this mess over again. It’s a year, and I am still having to deal with this drama.

But overall, I’m feeling pretty good.

It will take a lot of work on both of you to make things right… more her than you, of course.


----------



## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Ok but but really guys.. Does it really matter if they had intercourse or not? My opinion: oral is just as bad has having straight sex. It still a intemate act between two the persons that should have stayed in the current relationship. For me the details does not really matter. Its still a major break on my trust. Offcourse i want all details on what happened but i dont feel that effing would hurt more that she told me. She admitted they tried but didnt go through with it. I dont really care. She broke me me with major deception that lastet almost two years. 

Or am i on a different planet?


----------



## TDSC60

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Ok but but really guys.. Does it really matter if they had intercourse or not? My opinion: oral is just as bad has having straight sex. It still a intemate act between two the persons that should have stayed in the current relationship. For me the details does not really matter. Its still a major break on my trust. Offcourse i want all details on what happened but i dont feel that effing would hurt more that she told me. She admitted they tried but didnt go through with it. I dont really care. She broke me me with major deception that lastet almost two years.
> 
> Or am i on a different planet?


I agree. The degree of sex or different sex acts do not matter. Betrayal is betrayal. Trust is out the window and I could not stay married to a woman I cannot trust. She kept up the betrayal for two years, taking away decisions about your life from you and making them herself without your knowledge.


----------



## GusPolinski

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

It matters, and here's why --

She's not being honest, and 100% honesty is absolutely critical to any sort of reconciliation.

Here's the way it works...

Honesty > Transparency > Accountability > Remorse

Look, if you're dead set on divorce, then it doesn't really matter. But if you're at all leaning towards reconciliation (and, again, your posts seem to indicate that), then yes, it matters.

It took her a year to cop to oral, and she only did that to mitigate the impact of the actual truth.

You don't want to get three months down the road, decide to reconcile based on the information that you have now, and THEN find out yet again that she's been lying.

Cheaters lie, man. They lie about everything. They lie to mitigate impact and to protect their image.

"We just kissed" is a way of admitting guilt without admitting to the actual deed (oral).

"It was only oral" ...? Same thing -- it was sex.

"We only had sex the one time" ...? Bull****.

And then the really big one...

"Of course the baby's yours."

There was a guy here a couple years ago that had VIDEO of his wife banging the OM and she STILL had the nerve to throw out the "...it's not what you think..." bull****.


----------



## Edmund

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Ok but but really guys.. Does it really matter if they had intercourse or not? My opinion: oral is just as bad has having straight sex. It still a intemate act between two the persons that should have stayed in the current relationship. For me the details does not really matter. Its still a major break on my trust. Offcourse i want all details on what happened but i dont feel that effing would hurt more that she told me. She admitted they tried but didnt go through with it. I dont really care. She broke me me with major deception that lastet almost two years.
> 
> Or am i on a different planet?


You are on the planet TAM. Here, rushing everyone to divorce immediately is the main thing. You probably hoped to get some sympathy and help and ideas for coping and instead what you get is being called a wimp or a pansy because you haven't already divorced your wife on the spot. They don't like it when you don't immediately hate the person you've been in love with, the mother of your children. They will say they are sparing you agony in the future, but really they are also living vicariously through you and getting once again sweet justice and revenge for the way they were wronged in their own marriages. That is my opinion.

That said, R isn't possible for you based on what you know because your marriage is dead. What you have now is an open marriage arrangement (only she didn't tell you). Because you have children, you will have some sort of relationship with her going forward, co-parenting. If you stay married and living together for the children, you will have to agree to keep it open, or she will just cheat on you again. Spying on her all the time is stupid. That just means you can't trust her.

You could make a written agreement to replace your marriage vows that sets out the protocols for dating etc. The agreement should be set to expire in 10 years when your youngest is 18.

Or you can just finalize the divorce and work out a custody sharing arrangement, which is the normal thing people do.

I do agree that you can't take her back for R and rug sweep. She went too far to pretend your original wedding vows are shattered.

Good luck and best wishes to you going forward. And remember you don't have to do anything I or anyone else on here says. Make your own decisions and handle it the way you think is best.


----------



## Edmund

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



Edmund said:


> EDIT:
> I do agree that you can't take her back for R and rug sweep. She went too far to pretend your original wedding vows are still vaild.


----------



## straightshooter

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Ok but but really guys.. Does it really matter if they had intercourse or not? My opinion: oral is just as bad has having straight sex. It still a intemate act between two the persons that should have stayed in the current relationship. For me the details does not really matter. Its still a major break on my trust. Offcourse i want all details on what happened but i dont feel that effing would hurt more that she told me. She admitted they tried but didnt go through with it. I dont really care. She broke me me with major deception that lastet almost two years.
> 
> Or am i on a different planet?



The problem with that statement is what Gus said. You cannot reconcile with someone who is not truthful. And the story does not add up. She gives him blow jobs at work and then they carry on this affair underground and you catch them carrying it beyond texting but actually meeting. So what was going on in all this time. Do you actually believe this week when you caught them was the only time they have met in person????

And as usual you get the geniuses judging others opinions as a rush to divorce. The rush is to get the hell out of infidelity, and if that means divorce so be it. But how do you reconcile with only what she has told you. There is too big a time void. this did not just start again when you posted. 

Last time you rushed not to divorce but to rugsweep and play ostrich. How did that work out. You have made a statement by forcing her out of the house, but even if you are bluffing about the polygraph if you get to a point of considering reconciliation you need to tell her you insist on that. Even if you have no intention, many times you will get what is called a parking lot confession hoping to avoid the test. And her simple reaction will tell you wonders.


----------



## GusPolinski

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

@justanotherguy80

Just realized that it wasn't a year ago -- but rather four years ago -- that you caught her sexting with OM.

To be clear, it's the same OM, right?

How old are your kids?


----------



## Thor

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Also because of young kids im taking time to figure out my next steps. Im smart enough not to make importaint life-changing decisions when emotions are high. So im giving it more time.


Yes, be deliberate in considering your options and the ramifications. However, there is nothing wrong with including he emotions in your decision. There is a very good reason you feel hurt, betrayed, angry, depressed, or whatever other emotion you have. I think many of us try to disregard the feelings or push through to the other side of emotions before making a decision.

Those emotions are based on the subconscious processing in your brain. There is nothing wrong or less important about your emotions.

We are advised to "sleep on it" before making a decision. I think that is the right time frame. In the case of infidelity maybe slightly longer. Get past the confusion, but then make the decision without disregarding the emotions.


----------



## drifting on

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Having sex matters for both choices, reconciliation or divorce. Let's say you choose divorce, but as it is clear by your posts, you really are undecided. So you divorce, and a year after the divorce you find out they did have sex. Confirms and solidifies your decision that you made the right choice. Let's say you reconcile, and a year later, you find out they had sex. Finding this out will now bring you back to this very day, today. What you did over that year is out the window. You will be back to the very first d-day. 

Reconciliation requires one hundred percent honesty, even if it kills one of you. Nothing can be discovered to be a lie, only the truth can help, only the truth can repair. I feel for you, I remember being in your position, so do most of the posters here. Keep this in mind, our speculation, hunches, assumptions, or whatever else you want to call them have come true. We aren't happy about this in any way shape or form. It hurts us to see we were correct, because you will now feel the pain we felt. Nobody should have to fe that pain.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Ok but but really guys.. Does it really matter if they had intercourse or not? My opinion: oral is just as bad has having straight sex. It still a intemate act between two the persons that should have stayed in the current relationship. For me the details does not really matter. Its still a major break on my trust. Offcourse i want all details on what happened but i dont feel that effing would hurt more that she told me. She admitted they tried but didnt go through with it. I dont really care. She broke me me with major deception that lastet almost two years.
> 
> Or am i on a different planet?


"Guys?" You might want to reread the thread. A large majority of us "guys" were saying the newest text, was enough to GTFO. Don't assign the response of one or two people to the entire thread. I'm one, of many, who has actively said the two are the same betrayal.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Oh and Context is important and needed. Divorce is being pushed because YOU GAVE THE LINE. First, you pointed out this isn't your first rodeo. Second, you keep correcting people about how you are going to handle things, to don't make assumptions and "she hurt me so bad, she's out." See, what TAM is really about is telling you the truth. We have MANY posters and now even more mods who are "pro-reconciliation." MANY. Truth is, if you ASK for reconciliation advice it happens. When you don't this is exactly what you receive, encouragement to divorce because it is what you say or imply. Remember there is bitterness on both sides and some who push reconciliation with no context and insults, are still mad they didn't step away. People asked what you wanted to do and the advice followed your lead. 

I can get you thread after thread of the most ardent alleged divorce biased person giving good reconciliation advice. TAM follows what you want and the advice you ask for. One of the guys giving you the best advice, has a story I cannot fathom nor want to. Still, to discount his advice as bitter or Planet TAM does him a disservice.


----------



## TAMAT

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

JAG80,

One of the major reasons why it matters if they had intercourse or not is that if you have any hope of a recovery your WW cannot lie about ANYTHING ever again to you, she can't leave any cancer all the tumor needs to be removed. Lies are the fuel which keeps most affairs burning. 

In an age appropriate way your children need to be told that Mommy has a boyfriend and that's not ok, your WW cannot expect to have an intact reputation. Your children need to know what is destroying their parents marriage and not blame themselves.

Tamat


----------



## Lostinthought61

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Do you know what the OM wife plans on doing?


----------



## ABHale

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

The truth matters if you are going to reconcile. 

If you are going to D, then the only thing that matters is the fact that she had a sexual relationship with another. Marriage is over. 

Justanotherguy, the ball is in your court. You do what is right for you. All we can do is give advice and try and help. 

I would not stay with my wife if she had done this to me. Forgive, yes I would. Forget, I never could.


----------



## ABHale

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> He was a coworker. He changed workplace last year. Most of the PA-episodes happened there. The OM got a kid late last year about same time when he changed workplace. They ended the PA and continued on snapchat with picture exchanges.


This is messed up. His wife expecting and him cheating. Your wife cheating with a man who has a kid on the way. Ouch. Here, lets destroy a marriage with a new born. 

I wonder if the PA part would have ended if the OM stayed where he was.


----------



## turnera

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Wow.. Such an expert..
> 
> Please stop making presumptions of my plans. Am i not doing the right things?


IDK, are you? Has she handed over all her electronics? Has she taken off all passwords of her electronics or else given you the passwords? Has she written out a timeline of all contact? Has she written him a No Contact letter that you see and approve and you send yourself? Is she now telling you everywhere she goes? Did she install GPS on her phone and in her car so you can track her? Has she turned in her two-weeks' notice and started submitting her resume for a new job so she never has occasion to see OM again? 

No? Then no you are NOT doing the right things.


----------



## turnera

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Again assumptions.. ;-)
> 
> Never told i was taking her back. Never told i wanted her back. Only told what she is doing and that i set up terms/rules to even remotely for me to concider any kind of reconciliations.


WHAT terms/rules? You still haven't told us. I mean, you told us the three things you SAID were your terms, but you never told us what you did with it and what happened then.


----------



## drifting on

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



turnera said:


> IDK, are you? Has she handed over all her electronics? Has she taken off all passwords of her electronics or else given you the passwords? Has she written out a timeline of all contact? Has she written him a No Contact letter that you see and approve and you send yourself? Is she now telling you everywhere she goes? Did she install GPS on her phone and in her car so you can track her? Has she turned in her two-weeks' notice and started submitting her resume for a new job so she never has occasion to see OM again?
> 
> No? Then no you are NOT doing the right things.




Quoted for truth!! 

JAG80
Your wife is in damage control mode, read the above again, then put your wife in a vise and squeeze her with what you call acceptable. I feel for you, I really do, but my wife started with we held hands once. Do you know me on here? Have you read any previous posts about me here? If I had believed my wife regarding holding hands, well let's just say I'd have a negative IQ. People will tell you I have a negative IQ for reconciling, but it was my best choice. But just so you know, holding hands my wife said happened once, it went way farther then that. 

It went holding hands once, to kissing once, and I swear that was it. After that it went to we kissed once, then to we made out once. Soon it was making out two to three days a week, then sex once. Then it was a physical affair that lasted six months, my wife ended it but OM wanted it to continue. Two days after d-day in which I thought I had heard everything I got another nice little surprise. The paternity of my twin boys, not mine, they were OM's. So I hope this little story proves several assumptions for you. You don't have the full truth, you have what your wife and OM BOTH decided to give to you and OM's wife. 

Some posters tell you in a way that isn't blunt, some say it bluntly to get you to wake up. All of the posters are trying to prevent you from being hurt in the future. If you want to be blunt with posters fine, but please, and I say this from expierience, don't become upset and angry with those who are blunt. They truthfully are seeing what your brain is saying just couldn't happen. I didn't think my wife was capable either, because of TAM I knew it wasn't holding hands, kissing once, sex once, but nothing prepared me for the paternity.


----------



## sokillme

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

My question is why anyone would want to be with someone who is desperate to take pictures of themselves and send them to someone else? I mean is that really the best you can do? Seems like a waste of energy to spend on someone who doesn't want to send pictures of themselves to you, nope they want to send them to someone else. This is not her first rodeo, she has done it twice. Maybe you should just accept that she is not that into you, and that her motives of being with you is probably the security you provide. Unless that is enough for you. You see it over and over with women like your wife. You are basically her father. Do you want a marriage where you are your wife's parent? 

You know if you move on you may be able to find a women who is desperate to send pictures of herself to you? Or you can just "ground" her and take away her phone like some are sure to suggest. To me this doesn't sound like a happy marriage. I don't know, life is too short for that in my opinion. There are hundreds of thousands of women out there. You could change your priority and instead of wasting time trying to solve the mystery of how you keep her clothes on around strange men and electronic devices you could spend it on making yourself attractive and available to one of these other more stable women. Think about it, even if you get her back and she never does it again, what do you get, a person who took a giant dump on you and her marriage...

Twice.


----------



## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



turnera said:


> IDK, are you? Has she handed over all her electronics? Has she taken off all passwords of her electronics or else given you the passwords? Has she written out a timeline of all contact? Has she written him a No Contact letter that you see and approve and you send yourself? Is she now telling you everywhere she goes? Did she install GPS on her phone and in her car so you can track her? Has she turned in her two-weeks' notice and started submitting her resume for a new job so she never has occasion to see OM again?
> 
> No? Then no you are NOT doing the right things.


Yes she did all of this. Regarding letter, i actually have a different plan in mind IF we are considering R. I havent told her yet but im thinking about making her call him on speakerphone in front of me to close relations. Without him knowing im there with her.

Good idea? No? Or waste of time?


----------



## manwithnoname

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Yes she did all of this. Regarding letter, i actually have a different plan in mind IF we are considering R. I havent told her yet but im thinking about making her call him on speakerphone in front of me to close relations. *Without him knowing im there with her.*
> 
> Good idea? No? Or waste of time?


You can tell when the other person has you on speakerphone. As for if it is a good idea, I'm under the impression that they are to stop affair/all contact without a closure call. But then again, you being on the line may tell you a few things (wife's facial expressions, tone of voice) depending on what he says.


----------



## justanotherguy80

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



manwithnoname said:


> You can tell when the other person has you on speakerphone. As for if it is a good idea, I'm under the impression that they are to stop affair/all contact without a closure call. But then again, you being on the line may tell you a few things (wife's facial expressions, tone of voice) depending on what he says.


Yeah that whats im thinking too. I dont really know if i will get anything out of it. Maybee its a ego feeling of wanting to confront both of them. Not sure..


----------



## arbitrator

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Yes she did all of this. Regarding letter, i actually have a different plan in mind IF we are considering R. I havent told her yet but im thinking about making her call him on speakerphone in front of me to close relations. Without him knowing im there with her.
> 
> Good idea? No? Or waste of time?


*That's a pipe dream! There is no way in hell that she's going to ever perform that little task for you! She's in the business of protecting "him" now ~ not you!

Having said that, it's more than apparent that she has covertly and deceptively laid waste to your marriage! 

Tell me: just what allegiance do you still owe her ~ it's rather apparent that she has none whatsoever for the likes of you!

You need to be in a family attorney's office being advised of your legal property as well as custodial rights!*


----------



## ABHale

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*

Have you and the OM's wife talked anymore?


----------



## SunCMars

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



turnera said:


> Oh, were you talking to me, Sun? I thought you were talking to the OP.


Yeah, thrice.

That happens.

My posts are either red...

Or are blue through....

My words drift and draft on warm breezes, as does the fragrance of the Night Blooming Jasmine or 'cloyingly', like the Banana Shrub. 
If others assume the beautiful scent is for them, then let it be, Dear........if it suits your/their fancy.

*In YOUR case, Dear, I 'try' to gain your esteemed attention. Like a cat at the backdoor with a mouse in his mouth...offering his mommy a present.*
...............................................................................................................

On THIS, I am stretching it...........

Some of my posts reek....as does the odor of the pungent Ginkgo biloba.


----------



## straightshooter

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Yeah that whats im thinking too. I dont really know if i will get anything out of it. Maybee its a ego feeling of wanting to confront both of them. Not sure..


The "closure call means absolutely nothing at this point because they both know they have been caught. It's her immediate and unwavering of willingness to do it that means anything. If you tell her you want her to do it, guarantee he will know it is coming, especially if she is out of the house without you around,.

You need to fucus on the facts that you do not have. All you know is blow jobs a year ago, and then a meeting set up in public. Women sending nude photos to other men for a year and who are meeting in public places have been together with OM, who is geographically close enough, without more sexual encounters, And you are going to kick yourself in the ass if you reconcile with her and find out six months from now or longer that you only got a fraction of the story.

WHAT ARE THE OTHER CONDITIONS YOU ARE THINKING OF ???? Personally, if you still refuse the polygraph you will be digging for years. I just can never comprehend why guys who are cheated on do all this snooping, which is good, and refuse to use the ultimate tool. It's like having a tumor and refusing the MRI.

JAg, right now she will do anything you ask probably because she has been busted. it is you who needs to know what facts you are reconciling or divorcing with. You have been burned once and now she is most likely doing the same act as before. You have to change the dynamic and up the ante.


----------



## TDSC60

JAG80,

I thought you had indicated that R was off the table and that the "conditions" were for her continued contact with you as a friend. Has that changed? Are you now considering R with this 2 time cheater that has betrayed your trust throughout you marriage?


----------



## justanotherguy80

Just saying she wants R. I dont know yet. I wil make my decision later on.


----------



## SunCMars

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Ok but but really guys.. Does it really matter if they had intercourse or not? My opinion: oral is just as bad has having straight sex. It still a intemate act between two the persons that should have stayed in the current relationship. For me the details does not really matter. Its still a major break on my trust. Offcourse i want all details on what happened but i dont feel that effing would hurt more that she told me. She admitted they tried but didnt go through with it. I dont really care. She broke me me with major deception that lastet almost two years.
> 
> *Or am i on a different planet?*


No! But I am.

And your viewpoint holds water there, in that lower-gravity place.

Infidelity is a high-gravity crime on Mars. 

The penalty is banishment from the Fatherland.


----------



## arbitrator

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



SunCMars said:


> No! But I am.
> 
> And your viewpoint holds water there, in that lower-gravity place.
> 
> Infidelity is a high-gravity crime on Mars.
> 
> *The penalty is banishment from the Fatherland...*


*... all while attempting in vain to extricate a size 17 double-wide Brogan steel-toed boot from out of their anal cavity!*


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Yes she did all of this. Regarding letter, i actually have a different plan in mind IF we are considering R. I havent told her yet but im thinking about making her call him on speakerphone in front of me to close relations. Without him knowing im there with her.
> 
> Good idea? No? Or waste of time?


I'm all for consequences and exposure, but shaming her in front of family is going to be ugly. Having her tell them what happened is a good consequence depending on who you tell, but making a show of it is not going to make reconciliation any better. Now, if you are trying to be vindictive or get revenge go ahead. Just make sure you admit it is you getting your pound of flesh and it isn't about reconciliation.


Also, you don't want them talking because it will reactivate those memories she shares without you.


----------



## curious234

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Well, stories checked out regarding oral ect. The OM also spilled guts to his wife. And both of them knows that we're talking and sharing info. My wife is doing anything to keep me and seems cincere about it. Im still kicking her out though. Just until i can get my head straight so i can make my next move. Im really hurting because of all the exposed info and need time to digest a bit. Im spending my time with kids now and trying to remember eating. Lost like 4-5 kgs just in a few weeks.
> 
> I still havent shared anything regarding me finding out so that is still up and running.


Are you doing some workouts. It help with eating, mental health and sleep. not to mention your overall physical outlook


----------



## sokillme

justanotherguy80 said:


> Just saying she wants R. I dont know yet. I wil make my decision later on.


Only thing that is going to make her stop is her own desire to want to. She has told you she wanted to before. She is like an alcoholic, it's much more likely you will be back here again in a few years. The next time it may be an exit affair or some other addictive personality issue that blows up your life. At least now you get to dismantle the relationship under your own power. You get to minimize the damage. The next time your whole life may blow up.

You are hoping to get gold out of lead here. Most likely the choice is a year or so of pain, or years of misery. Even slow growing cancer needs to be cut out or it slowly kills you.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Yes she did all of this. Regarding letter, i actually have a different plan in mind IF we are considering R. I havent told her yet but im thinking about making her call him on speakerphone in front of me to close relations. Without him knowing im there with her.
> 
> Good idea? No? Or waste of time?


 WHY would you want to let her talk to him again? She just wants to hear his voice. Do yourself a favor and do it in a certified letter that you approved.


----------



## drifting on

If you want to call OM go ahead, as soon as I'm gets on the phone take it off speaker and tell him your wife just admitted to more and you want to hear it from him now. If your wife starts screaming she didn't you know where her heart lies. Then tell OM to put his wife on the phone. Tell your wife to leave while you talk to OM's wife. Tell OM's wife the same thing, then say they had sex. 

OM will cavs within a few days, in the meantime schedule your wife for a poly. Don't tell her, just take her to the poly the day it's scheduled and she will then crack in the parking lot. Have her take the polygraph regardless, maybe it will prove her parking lot confession is truthful.


----------



## turnera

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



Rubix Cubed said:


> WHY would you want to let her talk to him again? She just wants to hear his voice. Do yourself a favor and do it in a certified letter that you approved.


And understand that trying to 'make a statement' rarely gives you the wonderful feeling you think it will.


----------



## Lostinthought61

I would still file AND then see if she is really ready to put in all the hard work while you work on you...remember you gave her a big chance already how many chances does some deserve?


----------



## Dyokemm

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Ok but but really guys.. Does it really matter if they had intercourse or not? My opinion: oral is just as bad has having straight sex. It still a intemate act between two the persons that should have stayed in the current relationship. For me the details does not really matter. Its still a major break on my trust. Offcourse i want all details on what happened but i dont feel that effing would hurt more that she told me. She admitted they tried but didnt go through with it. I dont really care. She broke me me with major deception that lastet almost two years.
> 
> Or am i on a different planet?


It only matters for this reason.....if she did, then she is STILL lying to you.....and it is simply too great of a risk for a BS to even consider R with a WS who still believes it is acceptable to deceive their spouse.

In other words.....it's not the act itself......you are right on that score.....it's the continued LYING.


----------



## justanotherguy80

Btw here i Norway it isnt that easy to divorce someone. I checked and rules are basically that you have to be seperated 1year before you file for a seperation agreement. Then after its approved you can file for a final divorce where thing are split up ect. The infidality makes no bearing on the divorce what so ever - unless a crime has been commited almost.


----------



## justanotherguy80

Yeah oh and i have put the idea away, about calling OM. Dont think i will get anything out of it anyway. 

But i have met the OMs wife and we are talking. It feels good to open up to someone in the same boat. It helps.


----------



## turnera

justanotherguy80 said:


> Btw here i Norway it isnt that easy to divorce someone. I checked and rules are basically that you have to be seperated 1year before you file for a seperation agreement. Then after its approved you can file for a final divorce where thing are split up ect. The infidality makes no bearing on the divorce what so ever - unless a crime has been commited almost.


So?


----------



## Lostinthought61

justanotherguy80 said:


> Yeah oh and i have put the idea away, about calling OM. Dont think i will get anything out of it anyway.
> 
> But i have met the OMs wife and we are talking. It feels good to open up to someone in the same boat. It helps.


what does she want to do? (the OM wife)


----------



## straightshooter

justanotherguy80 said:


> Btw here i Norway it isnt that easy to divorce someone. I checked and rules are basically that you have to be seperated 1year before you file for a seperation agreement. Then after its approved you can file for a final divorce where thing are split up ect. The infidality makes no bearing on the divorce what so ever - unless a crime has been commited almost.


It ain't easy to divorce someone anywhere. But in Norway you do not have some of the worries that there are in other places because you are paying taxes out of your ass for all the stuff the government will provide like childcare for kids.

And by the way, as hard as divorce is I'm guessing you are starting to understand it ain't easy to live with a wfie who continues to bang other men every few years.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

drifting on said:


> If you want to call OM go ahead, as soon as I'm gets on the phone take it off speaker and tell him your wife just admitted to more and you want to hear it from him now. If your wife starts screaming she didn't you know where her heart lies. Then tell OM to put his wife on the phone. Tell your wife to leave while you talk to OM's wife. Tell OM's wife the same thing, then say they had sex.
> 
> OM will cavs within a few days, in the meantime schedule your wife for a poly. Don't tell her, just take her to the poly the day it's scheduled and she will then crack in the parking lot. Have her take the polygraph regardless, maybe it will prove her parking lot confession is truthful.


Wow. You could be my brother DO. You know how to "seal the deal" so to speak like me. :smile2:


----------



## Decorum

If you want to reconcile, make her promise now (when she will agree to anything), to never do it again!!!

With all your new surveillance skills you will make an excellent prison warden for her.


----------



## justanotherguy80

Wife has come back home. She early on voluntary gave up all information over the weekend about the about PA and about the OM. Also she took initiative to let me check up on her whenever i wanted. She is practically begging for an R.

I see this took a big toll on her and she expresses genuine sadness and regret. This confuses me a bit.

According to her it was a selfish act and was purely sexual random encounters with the OM. This time she also revealed alot of other things thats going around in her head. Toughts and sexual fantasies seems to have been a issue she is had problems expressing before. Like for example she wants me to dominate her bigtime and some light BDSM stuff. 

Im trying to keep it together by going 180 but its not that easy anymore. I found out that im not having a big issue with the PA. Im not that jealous. Im more angry and hurt from the deception and lying. This still is affecting me greatly and i dont know what to do yet.


----------



## TaDor

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



GusPolinski said:


> It matters, and here's why --
> 
> She's not being honest, and 100% honesty is absolutely critical to any sort of reconciliation.
> 
> Here's the way it works...
> 
> Honesty > Transparency > Accountability > Remorse
> 
> There was a guy here a couple years ago that had VIDEO of his wife banging the OM and she STILL had the nerve to throw out the "...it's not what you think..." bull****.


Yep, great points Gus.

I bet he showed her the video and she said "nope. Not sex, it was just an itch that needed to be scratched"


----------



## TaDor

*Re: Wife probably sexting..*



justanotherguy80 said:


> Ok but but really guys.. Does it really matter if they had intercourse or not? My opinion: oral is just as bad has having straight sex. It still a intemate act between two the persons that should have stayed in the current relationship. For me the details does not really matter. Its still a major break on my trust. Offcourse i want all details on what happened but i dont feel that effing would hurt more that she told me. She admitted they tried but didnt go through with it. I dont really care. She broke me me with major deception that lastet almost two years.


It matters only to you mostly. For some people, kissing is enough for divorce, for others it can be banging the basketball team. As Gus said, its about accountability > Remorse.

If the cheater cannot be HONEST about everything, then the cheater is still lying. And again, it doesn't matter if you are divorcing - its very important for Reconciliation. 

"She admitted they tried but didnt go through with it." = bull ****. "Yeah, we wanted to bone each other - but he was soft and I was dry and we gave up." Sorry, but that is cheater speak. When a person cheats on their spouse, it changes the wiring in their brain. Hence, without talking to OTHER cheaters on what to say in some giant chat room - they ALL say pretty much the same thing!

"I love you, but I am not in love with you" - that is why I'm breaking this marriage.
"I deserve to be happy." - meanwhile, I'll rip out your heart.
"How will I know the love with the AP is a fantasy unless I break up and find out?" - because that is stupid logic.
"We did not have sex" (maybe in her brain - she is thinking more exotic words) - what you read was just us joking. Because that is what friends do.

In a text, it was suggested that my wife had sex with the OM. It was only a few words. She said it was a JOKE, that someone else thought they were having sex. (why would someone think that?!) And in a way, yeah - that text could have been a "joke" - and at the time - I wanted it to be so... as do many who are being gas-lighted by someone they "trust". They will believe the lies, because they are afraid of the truth.

It was only when she wanted to try for R a year ago, that she admitted that they actually *DID* have sex.

Think of all the quick and naughty places you have had sex... If two people want to have sex, a closet with 5 minutes will do. A car in a parking lot will do. In an empty or their own office, will do.
In a bathroom at work, will do.


----------



## hylton7

justanotherguy80 said:


> Wife has come back home. She early on voluntary gave up all information over the weekend about the about PA and about the OM. Also she took initiative to let me check up on her whenever i wanted. She is practically begging for an R.
> 
> I see this took a big toll on her and she expresses genuine sadness and regret. This confuses me a bit.
> 
> According to her it was a selfish act and was purely sexual random encounters with the OM. This time she also revealed alot of other things thats going around in her head. Toughts and sexual fantasies seems to have been a issue she is had problems expressing before. Like for example she wants me to dominate her bigtime and some light BDSM stuff.
> 
> Im trying to keep it together by going 180 but its not that easy anymore. I found out that im not having a big issue with the PA. Im not that jealous. Im more angry and hurt from the deception and lying. This still is affecting me greatly and i dont know what to do yet.


please don't trust her.


----------



## justanotherguy80

I cant trust her. That kind of my issue with looking for R. I cant really say if i ever will. I have to admit im also playing thought of R right now.

She has been honest with everything else from day one after exposure. Even the tinyest of details. The PA was initially admitted by her, after i confronted with the sexting. She is now doing everything in her power to show me love and support and complying with my every demand. IF she hiding something i doubt it wil matter anyway. It still sucks.


----------



## straightshooter

justanotherguy80 said:


> I cant trust her. That kind of my issue with looking for R. I cant really say if i ever will. I have to admit im also playing thought of R right now.
> 
> She has been honest with everything else from day one after exposure. Even the tinyest of details. The PA was initially admitted by her, after i confronted with the sexting. She is now doing everything in her power to show me love and support and complying with my every demand. IF she hiding something i doubt it wil matter anyway. It still sucks.


Wow, you've busted her, and she admitted everything only after you threw her out. So she is still sticking to the story that there has been no sex other than blow jobs a year ago, or did that story go out the window.???? And what do you mean if she is hiding something what will it matter????
And she is doing everything you ask. For heavens sake, a cup of coffee would not even be cold in the amount of time it has been since you caught her. What do you expect her to do right now????? She's jump into the Baltic Sea if you tell her to tomorrow

I'm going to tell you for it seems like the tenth time. If you reconcile its fine, but if you play ostrich or try to be in CIA mode for a long time it will wear on you mentally, and her showing you her phone means nothing. She has fooled you for long periods of time MULTIPLE times. If you do not find yourself a damm polygraph examiner you will never know which end is up, and if she is meeting all of your demands, you need to tell he that is one of them and it may be repeated


----------



## Robbie1234

justanotherguy80 said:


> I cant trust her. That kind of my issue with looking for R. I cant really say if i ever will. I have to admit im also playing thought of R right now.
> 
> She has been honest with everything else from day one after exposure. Even the tinyest of details. The PA was initially admitted by her, after i confronted with the sexting. She is now doing everything in her power to show me love and support and complying with my every demand. IF she hiding something i doubt it wil matter anyway. It still sucks.


I caught my wife having an affair twelve years ago.She swore it was a ons and I actually believe her.I told her any more ****ups and she would be gone. Ten years later she was working about fifty miles away and ring me telling me she had to stay overnight, giving me some bull**** story about a co worker.A friend of mine was living near the hotel she was staying in and I asked him to check it out.He got photos on his phone of her kissing her boss in the bar and holding hands in the restaurant.I packed her stuff in a few black bags and brought them to her parents house after emptying my current account.We live in Ireland and divorce is relatively new,it was my family home and our kids were grown up.She left with nothing.
My point is I couldn't trust her even ten years later.A year later I got back in the dating scene and I have a girlfriend twelve years younger than me.There are plenty of faithful women glad to meet a decent guy who will treat them with respect, don't settle for a cheater.


----------



## farsidejunky

Lonely husband 42301 said:


> Wow. You could be my brother DO. You know how to "seal the deal" so to speak like me. :smile2:


QFT.


----------



## justanotherguy80

straightshooter said:


> Wow, you've busted her, and she admitted everything only after you threw her out. So she is still sticking to the story that there has been no sex other than blow jobs a year ago, or did that story go out the window.???? And what do you mean if she is hiding something what will it matter????
> And she is doing everything you ask. For heavens sake, a cup of coffee would not even be cold in the amount of time it has been since you caught her. What do you expect her to do right now????? She's jump into the Baltic Sea if you tell her to tomorrow
> 
> I'm going to tell you for it seems like the tenth time. If you reconcile its fine, but if you play ostrich or try to be in CIA mode for a long time it will wear on you mentally, and her showing you her phone means nothing. She has fooled you for long periods of time MULTIPLE times. If you do not find yourself a damm polygraph examiner you will never know which end is up, and if she is meeting all of your demands, you need to tell he that is one of them and it may be repeated


Yes i know what you mean, i know you have a good heart but im not making any sudden moves right now until im sure. And youre not correct with the facts. She admitted everything on day 1. We have been doing alot of taking and I havent taken her back so relax. Like my spying earlier on, im exploring all my oportunities.  

Shes out on vacation later this week with the kids. I was supposed to go but cancelled.


----------



## dubsey

Getting divorced isn't the end of the world. It's only paperwork. I caught my wife in an EA with an Ex, and gave her every opportunity to skip meeting up with him for coffee (allegedly) without telling her I knew what was going on. Long story short, I busted up the planned meet up, but got divorced anyway. I didn't want to live my life like that.

We ended up getting back together about a year after the divorce was official and have been living together since. The only difference is paperwork, and the next time either one of us wants out, there's none to do. She just goes back to her place and it's done. It keeps both of us on our toes, really. 

So, don't be afraid of divorce if that's how you're leaning. It's just papers.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

justanotherguy80 said:


> Yes i know what you mean, i know you have a good heart but im not making any sudden moves right now until im sure. And youre not correct with the facts. She admitted everything on day 1. We have been doing alot of taking and I havent taken her back so relax. Like my spying earlier on, im exploring all my oportunities.
> 
> Shes out on vacation later this week with the kids. I was supposed to go but cancelled.


Did she admit to the secret email account that the OM's wife found? Thousands of emails that apparently you never found even after you went into full spy mode? Before or after you exposed?...

Your wife is extremely skilled at deceiving you for very very long periods of time.Good luck spying on her again...


----------



## aine

justanotherguy80 said:


> Wife has come back home. She early on voluntary gave up all information over the weekend about the about PA and about the OM. Also she took initiative to let me check up on her whenever i wanted. She is practically begging for an R.
> 
> I see this took a big toll on her and she expresses genuine sadness and regret. This confuses me a bit.
> 
> According to her it was a selfish act and was purely sexual random encounters with the OM. This time she also revealed alot of other things thats going around in her head. Toughts and sexual fantasies seems to have been a issue she is had problems expressing before. Like for example she wants me to dominate her bigtime and some light BDSM stuff.
> 
> Im trying to keep it together by going 180 but its not that easy anymore. I found out that im not having a big issue with the PA. Im not that jealous. Im more angry and hurt from the deception and lying. This still is affecting me greatly and i dont know what to do yet.


You would be crazy to trust anything that comes out of her mouth, if she could cheat on you over such a long protracted time also with two young kids to take care of that is the lowest of the low. She doesn't want to let you go as she doesn't have a Plan A, OM is probably busy doing damage control with young kid and all. Is his wife gonna R?

Now is the time to teach her a final lesson, one she will never forget and to push home the point that you will not be a walk over

1. Expose to all her family and friends
2. File for divorce anyhow, see the lawyer, get the steps started
3. Is it possible to have an in house separation that goes towards the divorce one year needed?
4. To show her you mean business draft an in house separation agreement with the lawyers

If you let her move in, she gives up her passwords etc and everything will go back to normal, not want you want. There needs to be very clear steps to show her the seriousness of the damage caused.

Your in house separation agreement can cover you and you keep her hanging, not deciding whether you are in or out. She steps one inch outside the line, you divorce her.

Sadly she sounds like a serial cheater and I don't think she can change her ways though.


----------



## drifting on

Justanotherguy

This is why I say to wait six months BEFORE making a decision. I advise to file for divorce now, this way you are not in limbo for six months, you have already started your exit. But after six months if you do decide to reconcile you can stop the divorce. An added plus is that you can see how serious your wife is about the marriage during these six months. 

What you need to see from your wife is genuine remorse. Not sadness or regret, but genuine remorse. This is best described as when she truly feels your pain, that your pain is now her pain. When you see it you will know immediately, and it is much different then regret. Please be careful as to leaning towards reconciliation, this affair has gone on for quite some time and from your posts I haven't seen anything that she tried or WANTED to stop. 

This is something you need to ask her, she wasn't supposed to be in contact with him, yet she was. I would ask just a few questions and tell her that her answer will weigh heavily on your decision. Tell her to think of these answers for twenty four hours so the question really sinks in. 

Why would you sexy pictures, have a physical affair, full on sex, with someone other then myself and think you deserve reconciliation?

You say you didn't have sex, and I find it incredibly insulting to myself that you believe I will fall for you not receiving pleasure in any way. Are you sticking to oral only?

You lied, deceived me intentionally, along with a full physical affair, what would you do if the roles were reversed? What would you do if this was more then once? What do you bring to the table that deserves the gift of reconciliation?

You want her to think of these answers deeply. You want these questions to sink in so she can see the reality of her decisions. Will this hurt your wife, yes, but you need these answers. These answers are the first step towards you seeing where her mind is at. If she is remorseful her answers will reflect that. If she is regretful she will use mild blame shifting. If she's a narcissist she will say she deserved love. Keep the 180 going to hell yourself to detach so that in six months your decision is made from strength. 

My wife busted her ass during these six months, she knew she betrayed me to the fullest. Many here may say I never should have given the gift of reconciliation. It's truly very hard work to do, but if you decide to go this route, then perhaps you may find that a marriage can come back from what I felt was the worst. Stay strong.


----------



## turnera

justanotherguy80 said:


> Wife has come back home. She early on voluntary gave up all information over the weekend about the about PA and about the OM. Also she took initiative to let me check up on her whenever i wanted. She is practically begging for an R.


Great. Order the polygraph exam TODAY. And take her to your lawyer and have him write up a postnup agreement stating that she walks away with NOTHING if you catch her cheating again. File for divorce anyway and hand her a copy of the papers; you can cancel it later. Tell her she has one week to have a recurring appointment with a psychologist to get to the root of her crap, as WELL as her need for BDSM (they're tied together). You will attend every third or forth session, to make sure she's telling the doctor the truth, and she will attend for as long as you say and if she quits before you say so, immediate divorce. Install a GPS on her car and on her phone. There is A SLIM CHANCE that her going through 6 months of hell and therapy might turn her around; that way, when it doesn't, you can say you gave it a chance and walk away with your head held high.


----------



## drifting on

Lonely husband 42301 said:


> Wow. You could be my brother DO. You know how to "seal the deal" so to speak like me. :smile2:




Would be an honor to have you as a brother!!


----------



## SunCMars

justanotherguy80 said:


> I cant trust her. That kind of my issue with looking for R. I cant really say if i ever will. I have to admit im also playing thought of R right now.
> 
> She has been honest with everything else from day one after exposure. Even the tinyest of details. The PA was initially admitted by her, after i confronted with the sexting. She is now doing everything in her power to show me love and support and complying with my every demand. IF she hiding something i doubt it wil matter anyway. It still sucks.


OK...good.
...........................................................................................
The thing:

Both of you two are "still" inside a circle.

Right now, she is facing you at arms length. She can touch you. She can manipulate you.....at close range. 

The circle is controlled and projected around you by the gold rings that both of you wear on the finger next to your pinky-swear.

You need to get her out of the circle. You can still interface with her, but it must be when she is on the outside, looking in. 

As long as she is close, her mass will impact the gravity of the final solution. Her force is inversely proportional to the square of the distance between your two bodies. Increase that distance. 

One of you must move out. As a nice guy, you are still vulnerable to her force-field. And believe me, God made women a Force Multiplier. Small in size, massive in field-effect transforming.
A wink and an open blouse.....they got you by the short hairs, transforming you into a slobbering Red Dog.

Separate immediately.

Then divorce her. She can stand in line, just like any other suitor for your attention. Make her earn her supper....THIS time around.

Never re-marry her, though. Too risky.


----------



## justanotherguy80

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Did she admit to the secret email account that the OM's wife found? Thousands of emails that apparently you never found even after you went into full spy mode? Before or after you exposed?...
> 
> Your wife is extremely skilled at deceiving you for very very long periods of time.Good luck spying on her again...


I think you must be talking about another poster. My wife isnt skilled at all when it comes to IT ( wich is my departement). I suggest you read this posts again.  

Or if youre talking about the sexting on snapchat. Yes this is admitted.


----------



## justanotherguy80

SunCMars said:


> OK...good.
> ...........................................................................................
> The thing:
> 
> Both of you two are "still" inside a circle.
> 
> Right now, she is facing you at arms length. She can touch you. She can manipulate you.....at close range.
> 
> The circle is controlled and projected around you by the gold rings that both of you wear on the finger next to your pinky-swear.
> 
> You need to get her out of the circle. You can still interface with her, but it must be when she is on the outside, looking in.
> 
> As long as she is close, her mass will impact the gravity of the final solution. Her force is inversely proportional to the square of the distance between your two bodies. Increase that distance.
> 
> One of you must move out. As a nice guy, you are still vulnerable to her force-field. And believe me, God made women a Force Multiplier. Small in size, massive in field-effect transforming.
> A wink and an open blouse.....they got you by the short hairs, transforming you into a slobbering Red Dog.
> 
> Separate immediately.
> 
> Then divorce her. She can stand in line, just like any other suitor for your attention. Make her earn her supper....THIS time around.
> 
> Never re-marry her, though. Too risky.


Sound plan


----------



## TDSC60

If you still suspect they are communicating through Snapchat, another poster said he tried a program called (mSpy) that saves Snapchat texts.


----------



## straightshooter

justanotherguy80 said:


> Yes i know what you mean, i know you have a good heart but im not making any sudden moves right now until im sure. And youre not correct with the facts. She admitted everything on day 1. We have been doing alot of taking and I havent taken her back so relax. Like my spying earlier on, im exploring all my oportunities.
> 
> Shes out on vacation later this week with the kids. I was supposed to go but cancelled.


Just A Guy

Who is talking about sudden moves. I'm trying to give you a way to avoid sudden moves if you stay with her and maintain your sanity knowing that at some point you are going to hook her up to a machine in the future and ask her four simple questions that will tell you whether or not you have been bamboozled again.

She may be no IT expert, and you are, but you were clueless for a long time being the expert.

You don't need to keep saying you do not trust her. If you said any different I think most of us would give up talking to you and downgrade our estimation of your intelligence.

If yoiu'd rather be checking cameras in the bedroom for the next few years, that is your call. I am trying to help you not have to do that.


----------



## dubsey

for clarification, you said it was oral one time where they were going to do the deed, but didn't, and another post said random sexual encounters.

which was it? It changes things a bit one way or the other.


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## Lostinthought61

80,

Since you have already mention is that you need to separate for a year before you can divorce and your still considering R, consider the following 

Separate - submit the paper work and have her agree to it with the acceptance that you both live inside the house....this way she has a year to do all the heavy lifting, you have a year to snoop, and see what happens....this way you are not starting with scratch if you discover that she is cheating again. 

BTW i would also tell you that you she should give you a hall pass as well as part of the agreement even if you never use it you its more of a power play. your are demostrating to her that you are in control.


----------



## SunCMars

Every women, small, medium and large have a unique smell about them.

It is either intoxicating or it is not..

What smells off-putting to you may be an aphrodisiac to another....boy, man, posom..

JAG80 loved his wife smell. And so did/does POSOM.

The problem is.....smells change over time. And to JAG80, his WW's smell is beginning to be drift, to off-gas. It seems to have been subtly tainted by some plastic smell....likely, deceit. 

The wall has cracks in it...it soon will crumble and fall. 

The wife has poor marital mortar in her furred hod. And also in her beating HOD...Heart of Darkness.


----------



## TDSC60

I am afraid that her setting up an in person meeting with OM showed that she was intent on starting up the PA again.

She got caught at that point and is now trying to gaslight you into not divorcing her.

Take your time to decide what you want. See if you think you can ever trust her again or if a clean break is best.


----------



## Edmund

SunCMars said:


> Every women, small, medium and large have a unique smell about them.
> 
> It is either intoxicating or it is not..
> 
> What smells off-putting to you may be an aphrodisiac to another....boy, man, posom..
> 
> JAG80 loved his wife smell. And so did/does POSOM.
> 
> The problem is.....smells change over time. And to JAG80, his WW's smell is beginning to be drift, to off-gas. It seems to have been subtly tainted by some plastic smell....likely, deceit.
> 
> The wall has cracks in it...it soon will crumble and fall.
> 
> The wife has poor marital mortar in her furred hod. And also in her beating HOD...Heart of Darkness.


There can be no doubt... SunCMars is THE Poet Laureate of TAM.

JAG80,

I think you are doing the right things in a really bad situation, by taking time to process everything. I lean toward R where possible, I believe people make mistakes. I wish all these other guys that tell you to divorce her immediately were wrong. But in this case, they are probably right. It is a shame.

Best wishes.


----------



## justanotherguy80

dubsey said:


> for clarification, you said it was oral one time where they were going to do the deed, but didn't, and another post said random sexual encounters.
> 
> which was it? It changes things a bit one way or the other.


They had about 3-4 encounters wich let up to she giving oral to him at work. And once when they were out jogging and they gave oral to eachother. And about 10 times with making out and about 20 sexual snaps. These were all random encounters according to wife and OM to his wife. Theese acts were admittet to me from wife on day one of expoure/ confrontation. 

I get sick just for writing this again... :-S


----------



## dianaelaine59

justanotherguy80 said:


> They had about 3-4 encounters wich let up to she giving oral to him at work. And once when they were out jogging and they gave oral to eachother. And about 10 times with making out and about 20 sexual snaps. These were all random encounters according to wife and OM to his wife. Theese acts were admittet to me from wife on day one of expoure/ confrontation.
> 
> I get sick just for writing this again... :-S




Female here ... NO way they had oral and NOT sexual intercourse. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Decorum

justanotherguy80 said:


> she wants me to dominate her bigtime and some light BDSM stuff.


Ha ha ha perfect. 

Does she also want a 3some (FMF), and for you to take her brown eye? (Wink! Wink!)

(Boing!!!)

Most of the guys that I have seen in your shoes on here want to reconcile. She is a low quality partner, but the mother of your children none the less.

If this is all true (shrug), then you are on track to do just that, and she could be a dealer in Vegas.

Just two people trying to make it work on this big crazy spinning ball in space we call home.

Good luck!


----------



## badmemory

justanotherguy80 said:


> They had about 3-4 encounters wich let up to she giving oral to him at work. And once when they were out jogging and they gave oral to eachother. And about 10 times with making out and about 20 sexual snaps. These were all random encounters


----------



## Marc878

You're working hard to try and stay in this. I'd bet you only know the "tip of the iceberg".

Finding a way to stay is pretty common. You at some point will just have to accept who she is. Talking is just a waste of time and energy


----------



## Chaparral

justanotherguy80 said:


> They had about 3-4 encounters wich let up to she giving oral to him at work. And once when they were out jogging and they gave oral to eachother. And about 10 times with making out and about 20 sexual snaps. These were all random encounters according to wife and OM to his wife. Theese acts were admittet to me from wife on day one of expoure/ confrontation.
> 
> I get sick just for writing this again... :-S


I think this is actually more bizarre than most. You said you and your wife were actually in a good relationship including sexually. I haven't seen you mention anything about her loving him. 
My point is that she did all this for thrills and giggles. She didn't even do it for love. Though she was getting plenty from you, she risked everything in her life for cheap thrills, nothing more. Titillation, danger, thrills, sneaking around, pulling a fast one on you and his wife. Not to mention getting off at work with others around. Now she wants you to be her dom? Find a good woman and make her your maid.


----------



## Chaparral

By the way,this reeks of childhood sex abuse. She needs therapy.


----------



## sokillme

justanotherguy80 said:


> Yes i know what you mean, i know you have a good heart but im not making any sudden moves right now until im sure. And youre not correct with the facts. She admitted everything on day 1. We have been doing alot of taking and I havent taken her back so relax. Like my spying earlier on, im exploring all my oportunities.


I'm sorry but didn't she admit to everything the last time she did this. Frankly so what. Lots of people admit to the crap they do once they get caught. Why would you think continuing a life with someone who cheats on you twice is an opportunity? That just makes me sad for you.


----------



## straightshooter

dianaelaine59 said:


> Female here ... NO way they had oral and NOT sexual intercourse.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Read that about 100 times. If you got sick writing about what you know, imagine how you are going to feel when it happens again or if you find out more at a later date.

Unlike what some think, you are not being urged to divorce her. You are being urged to use every tool available to get the truth before you make a stupid decision because of inaction

All it would take is one question

"Have you had sexual intercourse in last two years with anyone other than husband"


----------



## TX-SC

Don't rely on anyone here, including myself, to help make decisions that impact your life. If you feel that your relationship with your wife is salvageable, then it's your right to pursue that. Just use the wisdom of the posters here at TAM as good advice in most instances. Your relationship is unique to you and your wife. Do what is best for you. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

There is nothing "random" about these "encounters" or, it means something totally different in your country. With sexting, 3-4 encounters, 2 oral adventures, 10 make out sessions and 20 sexual snaps the word I'd use is "dating."

As inappropriate as it is, I laughed when you typed she sold "random" to you and spit my drink out when you became perturbed at straightshooter.


----------



## Thor

Edmund said:


> There can be no doubt... SunCMars is THE Poet Laureate of TAM.


Possibly enhanced with psychedelic substances from time to time.


----------



## Thor

Chaparral said:


> By the way,this reeks of childhood sex abuse. She needs therapy.


Agreed.


----------



## SunCMars

dubsey said:


> Getting divorced isn't the end of the world. It's only paperwork. I caught my wife in an EA with an Ex, and gave her every opportunity to skip meeting up with him for coffee (allegedly) without telling her I knew what was going on. Long story short, I busted up the planned meet up, but got divorced anyway. I didn't want to live my life like that.
> 
> We ended up getting back together about a year after the divorce was official and have been living together since. The only difference is paperwork, and the next time either one of us wants out, there's none to do. She just goes back to her place and it's done. It keeps both of us on our toes, really.
> 
> So, don't be afraid of divorce if that's how you're leaning. *It's just papers.*


This is what I am talking about...!

Divorce her...keep her on her toes and on her................>

For Dubsey,* it is now a Paperless Union.* 

The first time? Not so easy. He escaped out of the North Tower by tearing down the tower brick by brick. He paid dearly the first time....whether he wants to admit it or not.

You have children..you cannot divorce them. Should not abandon them.

Your case for divorce is somewhat more complicated but has been done by millions of men.

Do not gloat over her comeuppance. It is temporary.

This I promise you....listen up.

No man can hold back a determined women, a passionate women like yours. She wants BDSM? God, you have a Tiger on your hands.

You will never master her...be her master. Any chains that you throw around her are really around your' ankle.....look down...see them.

Get away while you still can. She still has your gonads and she wants to reclaim your soul. 

She is a luscious women. Hard to say no to. Ask Maj Death about his....living breathing doll. His wife will suck the air out of a room when she enters. Powerful women.

To date? Your WW is a minor league Succubus. She gets her marching orders from some other.... left flank...march.

Be afraid though, your WW is still wearing her training bra..


----------



## drifting on

Justanotherguy

Please read this with an open mind, sort of remove yourself if possible from your situation. If I hadn't found TAM I would have fallen for the lies my wife told. Jag80, I'm begging you to see this from a view of reality, my wife's OM had to call my wife to verify parts of his story. In other words the stories don't usually match until the screws of pressure have been applied and then increasing the pressure. By some miracle your wife and her OM had the same story from day one. 

My wife lied her ass of and tried to trickle truth. Without TAM I would have believed her, instead I sent her away to give me the truth the following night as I was enraged. Truthfully, I wasn't just enraged with her, I was enraged with TAM also. I didn't believe my situation was like the others, and parts weren't, but my wife followed the cheaters script to a tee. You must see that maybe small parts of your story are unique, but an overwhelming majority see it as the same. This is what I'm trying to get you to see, your wife and OM did far more then you believe. 

Jag80 I'm sorry to have to tell you this, I'm sorry for the position you are in, but mostly I'm sorry you are here. None of us are going to gloat about being right, none of us want to see you in more pain, but you will be. If you believe your wife's story then so be it, but I can't help but tell you that this is the biggest mistake of your life. You need to schedule the polygraph, you need to talk to OMW, to apply more pressure, get the truth. You won't get the entire truth, but you can find out that they had full on sex. It wasn't just oral, just ask yourself, could you stop at oral with someone new on several occasions and not have sex? Come on jag80, I know you don't believe this.


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## eric1

I bet you don't feel like you are healing, thus the 'giving this more time' thing.

The reason you are not healing is because you don't think you have the truth and you will NEVER get onto the road of trusting her again if you are not 100% of the truth.


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## justanotherguy80

Thanx for all concern! I really mean it. Im not sitting here with with my head in the clouds and this forum gives me alot of good adwize. I know that alot of this i have to take with a grain of salt but its still helpfull and im not forgetting this. I think for now i wil take a break from TAM even though its hard. I still probably read it from time to time.

I do have problems coping, but i'll handle it. Beeing in here doesnt really make the coping better from some reason. 

Thanx again


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## aine

justanotherguy80 said:


> Thanx for all concern! I really mean it. Im not sitting here with with my head in the clouds and this forum gives me alot of good adwize. I know that alot of this i have to take with a grain of salt but its still helpfull and im not forgetting this. I think for now i wil take a break from TAM even though its hard. I still probably read it from time to time.
> 
> I do have problems coping, but i'll handle it. Beeing in here doesnt really make the coping better from some reason.
> 
> Thanx again


JUstanotherguy80, why are you even still with this woman, she has lied to you, cheated on you, had her tongue on someone else's ****, lied some more and you are trying to find excuses to stay. I think you are asking for more heartache, I don't get it.


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## MancMan

Gave oral to each other but no sex? Sorry but surely you realise that just isn't true.

If you need to keep surveilling her then it's over. When home becomes a job then it's time to quit.

Good luck


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## manfromlamancha

JustAnotherGuy80, sorry to have you here. Let me give you my tuppence worth of observations/advice:


I don't think this is a case of "she doesn't love you". Its more a case of "she doesn't love you enough" and "she loves herself much more".

There is a very very small chance that she didn't have sex with this POSOM. The chances are much higher that they fvcked. In any case, many will see oral as being as bad if not worse than PIV sex. In her mind, as in the minds of many waywards, oral is seen as admitting to a lesser offence. Would you want to kiss her knowing he has had his junk in her mouth ?

She deep down does not feel remorse for getting her thrills met - she is very obviously sorry she got caught and doesn't want to lose what she considers to be a stable environment which is what she comes back to after getting her lust fulfilled. What this really means is she is not long term partner (marriage) material. I am not sure that she can change this. Maybe therapy can help her (for her future) but in terms of this marriage, she should be toast!

I have many friends in Scandinavia and some particularly good friends in Norway (Oslo, Stavanger etc) where I have worked. Norwegian men do not take this kind of behaviour lightly although many women do get bored and try and push boundaries. This is OK when the pushing of those boundaries is agreed upon, and both man and wife get something out of it. This is not the case here. You were (and are) being kept in the dark. Worse than not loving you, she is disrespecting you. And she is doing this because she thinks she can get away with it and is trying to trick you into taking her back. She has not been completely honest with you and you need to tell her this. I know that lie detector and polygraph tests are not common in Europe and therefore you may never know the full truth (and that is what would kill me).

You need to tell her that she can tell you the whole truth and that the repercussions would be no worse than they currently are and that you are imagining the worst anyway. She basically needs to come clean to the point of saying things like: "I actually enjoyed sex with him - it was very good and I was very attracted to him and the illicit sex situation" and "if you hadn't caught me it would still be going on" and "I am sorry that I hurt you and will try to make it up to you but I would understand if you left me" and more than words, she has to consistently be trying to be the model wife in terms of openness, transparency, allowing you to rant, etc … for as long as it takes and even if you get divorced but stay together. And she needs to understand that "as long as it takes" could be years with no guarantees. If she really agrees to it and does all this, then you might have the truth too. 

Good luck my friend!


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## phillybeffandswiss

Yes, stop believing the so called divorce crew wants you to fail at reconciliation. MLM and DO are in reconciliation as am I. Gus's wife had an EA so this means he is reconciled as well. This is why I always laugh at the bitter accusation and exaggerated insults hurled at people who even have divorce in their posts. Quite a few posters, contrary to the claim, aren't saying you should divorce or hurry. Most are saying clam down, quit believing her lies and watch her actions. You can't repair something broken if key pieces are still missing.


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## Thor

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Yes, stop believing the so called divorce crew wants you to fail at reconciliation.


Filing for divorce can be the turning point necessary to get the wayward back into the marriage. Thus, filing is a strong strategy to get to R in many cases.

This is why many times it is recommended to file for divorce, with the knowledge it can be halted at any time.

Cheaters are like drug addicts, they need to hit rock bottom before they see the light and have a true change of heart. Filing for divorce can be the catalyst needed.


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## bandit.45

MancMan said:


> *Gave oral to each other but no sex? Sorry but surely you realise that just isn't true.*
> 
> If you need to keep surveilling her then it's over. When home becomes a job then it's time to quit.
> 
> Good luck


Yep. If I let a woman give me a BJ, nine times out of ten she knows its a preamble to knocking boots. 

That "we only gave each other oral" lie is the dumbest and lamest lie that has ever been invented.


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## ButtPunch

I am all for reconciliation.

However, this is the second time in less than five years she has been caught.

Dump her and find a new wife.

One that isn't broken.

Sorry you are going thru this.


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## phillybeffandswiss

Thor said:


> Filing for divorce can be the turning point necessary to get the wayward back into the marriage. Thus, filing is a strong strategy to get to R in many cases.
> 
> This is why many times it is recommended to file for divorce, with the knowledge it can be halted at any time.


 I am addressing the out of context cherry picking which is used to destroy any post that has the word divorce. It is a hyperbolic way to stop discussion and turn advice into something divisive. Yes, we have people who say "divorce no matter what" in a near equal amount, I'd argue more on the other side, to those who say "reconcile no matter what." Only one is ALWAYS used as an attack by other posters to stop any type of contrary advice. No, it isn't reconciliation.
In turn this causes people to get angry, start making snide remarks and make pithy comments about empathy, sympathy and the Divorce TAM army.

No, most who make a marriage ending recommendation aren't always saying divorce first, it is one of many options offered.


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## straightshooter

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Yes, stop believing the so called divorce crew wants you to fail at reconciliation. MLM and DO are in reconciliation as am I. Gus's wife had an EA so this means he is reconciled as well. This is why I always laugh at the bitter accusation and exaggerated insults hurled at people who even have divorce in their posts. Quite a few posters, contrary to the claim, aren't saying you should divorce or hurry. Most are saying clam down, quit believing her lies and watch her actions. You can't repair something broken if key pieces are still missing.


I'm joining the so called "DIVORCE CREW" who is reconciled. And the reason i am reconciled is because the papers in front of my formerly delusional wife within a few short days made it abuntantly clear to her that there was no negotiating going to happen.

Thats why this so called crew gets so exasperated watching these versions of the pick me game that produce nothing but more hurt and betrayal go on indefinitely. Us so called "nuclear" guys have a far better track record than those that spend months crying, whimpering, begging, investigating, begging some more, immediately foregiving, making excuses, and searching for some genius therapist to tell them why.

just saying.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

straightshooter said:


> I'm joining the so called "DIVORCE CREW" who is reconciled. And the reason i am reconciled is because the papers in front of my formerly delusional wife within a few short days made it abuntantly clear to her that there was no negotiating going to happen.
> 
> Thats why this so called crew gets so exasperated watching these versions of the pick me game that produce nothing but more hurt and betrayal go on indefinitely. Us so called "nuclear" guys have a far better track record than those that spend months crying, whimpering, begging, investigating, begging some more, immediately foregiving, making excuses, and searching for some genius therapist to tell them why.
> 
> just saying.


History has proven time and time again that the best way to avoid war is to be ready to go to war. Sounds like the same could be said of divorce, eh?


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## TX-SC

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I am addressing the out of context cherry picking which is used to destroy any post that has the word divorce. It is a hyperbolic way to stop discussion and turn advice into something divisive. Yes, we have people who say "divorce no matter what" in a near equal amount, I'd argue more on the other side, to those who say "reconcile no matter what." Only one is ALWAYS used as an attack by other posters to stop any type of contrary advice. No, it isn't reconciliation.
> In turn this causes people to get angry, start making snide remarks and make pithy comments about empathy, sympathy and the Divorce TAM army.
> 
> No, most who make a marriage ending recommendation aren't always saying divorce first, it is one of many options offered.


This is an interesting topic and should be addressed separately. I really don't know what you aree talking about since 90% plus of the posts here advocate dovorce. 

As for the OP, follow your gut here.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

TX-SC said:


> This is an interesting topic and should be addressed separately. I really don't know what you aree talking about since 90% plus of the posts here advocate dovorce.
> 
> As for the OP, follow your gut here.


I read it as 90% (or whatever the real number is, seems a little high to me) advocating serving divorce papers and being willing to follow through if conditions aren't met. That is not the same thing as advocating for divorce period, which implies get divorced no matter what. 

As some who have reconciled have noted, they did not get the reconciliation until after the divorce notice was served. They advocate serving divorce papers because that is the last all other methods applied to get the spouse to wake up and understand the severity of the situation have failed. 

The paradox is that one has to be fully committed to going through with the divorce for reconciliation to have any chance. This is why I compared it to war; the best way to avoid it is to be fully prepared for it.


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## drifting on

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> History has proven time and time again that the best way to avoid war is to be ready to go to war. Sounds like the same could be said of divorce, eh?




Exactly why I view infidelity as an invasion, if I had only responded differently..... It's a war the BS has no idea they are even in.


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## TX-SC

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> I read it as 90% (or whatever the real number is, seems a little high to me) advocating serving divorce papers and being willing to follow through if conditions aren't met. That is not the same thing as advocating for divorce period, which implies get divorced no matter what.
> 
> As some who have reconciled have noted, they did not get the reconciliation until after the divorce notice was served. They advocate serving divorce papers because that is the last all other methods applied to get the spouse to wake up and understand the severity of the situation have failed.
> 
> The paradox is that one has to be fully committed to going through with the divorce for reconciliation to have any chance. This is why I compared it to war; the best way to avoid it is to be fully prepared for it.


By the same measure, most people here who mention R say that it's an OPTION if the WS is remorseful and works to fix themselves. I very rarely, if ever, see a post telling a BS they must R, regardless of what the WS does or says. D is always an option, or even just filing for D. But it's only one tool and not always the right tool for every situation. There are certainly many here who jump directly on the D bandwagon. Simply put, there are people who successfully R and are happy. These people rarely post on forums like this. They are happy and have moved on. 

I'm not sure what the percentages are, but I think 90% is probably close. There are way more people who advocate filing for D than there are that advocate R. And again, most of us that advocate R in some situations don't ALWAYS advocate it and only recommend that a BS do what they feel is right for their situation.


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## TheTruthHurts

OP has left the building...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars

ButtPunch said:


> I am all for reconciliation.
> 
> However, this is the second time in less than five years she has been caught.
> 
> Dump her and find a new wife.
> 
> One that isn't broken.
> 
> Sorry you are going thru this.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

We all do stupid things. Forgive once, forget never.

God Bless all those that can forgive. I could not. The most I could do is not hate the wayward.

I would trip over my ego, considering how large it is.


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## Decorum

I think he just ran out of bait.
.
School's out.
.
.
.


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## Taxman

At this point you would be well advised to tell her to find alternate living accommodations subsequent to her return from vacation with the kids. Be very specific with her; This is a direct consequence of her infidelity. At this point you need to detach from her, and decide whether or not you are open to the concept of reconciliation. Let her know that you have not made up your mind, but will require her to live apart from you until such time as you do. Tell her that divorce is very much at the forefront of your thoughts. Be honest. Let her know that her childish deception is what has driven you away, and she must as a direct consequence live apart from her family at this time.

I would carry it a little further; ask her how she would feel if you had sex with someone else? Put her on notice that you will at some point want to explore relationships with others, you just don't know at this time whether or not you will divorce before or after exploring these relationships. If you do decide to reconcile, see a lawyer and have a post nup drawn up.


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## phillybeffandswiss

TX-SC said:


> This is an interesting topic and should be addressed separately. I really don't know what you aree talking about since 90% plus of the posts here advocate dovorce.


Yes, I believe your percentage is 95% correct among the cherry pickers. You should start a thread and then he can see exactly what I am talking about without derailing his thread.


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