# live without fear of repurcussions?



## male50 (Jul 21, 2011)

Living with my wife is a nightmare. She has had significant mental problems since the babies were born. We have 3. She refused to go to counseling, refused medications prescribed, refused any type of outside assistance. She is so deep in depression, she screams and yells and fights at the slightest of details. There is nothing I can do that won't set her off. Just wearing a different type of clothes to work sets her off. She knows I've never had an affair. She knows everything she accuses me of is false. Sure, she's been diagnosed with bipolar, schizoprenia, etc., but, since she refuses to accept the diagnoses, she doesn't get the help she needs. Her constant rageful outbursts, both in private and in public, are a nightmare to live with. And that's not all. I'm self employed, which means I run my own business. She will call me 20-80 times a day to keep fighting and raging. It ties up the business lines to the point I can't use the phone, the primary access to my clients. This has been going on for 3 years now. Currently, the finances have choked me to a point that I can't afford to keep living with her and keep the business running. Without the business, I can't support the family. Living with her, I can't work the business. I am emotionally drained to the point of extreme overwhelm. I've tried everything to cope, but now I am left empty, and near financial ruin. I have discussed with her the fact that her behaviors are destructive to our family and our business, but, it falls on deaf ears. She is out of control and refuses to get help. I can't take the children and leave, the law will work against me. As well, since the mother doesn't work, and refuses to go out and work, it makes no sense to take all the burden of the finances and the children and to walk out. I want to leave, but the fear of repurcussions are enormous. She demands that I will never see the children if I do. The law will require me to continue to 'adequately' support them, which I have no problem, except I won't be able to support myself. A catch 22. Any ideas or suggestions? She has already been baker acted several times, which does absolutely nothing. She knows how to play the system to make me look like a liar. Long story short, the best thing for me to do is leave. But, how?


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## Lea2407 (Jul 14, 2011)

Since she's diagnosed with these disorders, why do you think that the law would be against you? If you're stable and making the income, why wouldn't you be the one to take care of the children? 

As for your phone issue, why don't you just not answer the phone when she calls? If the phone ringing incessantly is the problem, would you be able to change your number? I don't know if this would work with your particular business, but it could be an option.



> She knows how to play the system to make me look like a liar.


What do you mean by playing the system? 

I don't know how child custody cases work, but I can't imagine her keeping the children from you considering her diagnoses. 

You might think about recording your conversations/phone calls with her from now on so that you have some proof of what she's like. Maybe you can sit her down and tell her that things need to change or you're going to take action and leave. She obviously needs professional help. If she blows up or starts making crazy claims, you'll have it recorded, so she can't lie about what has been said.

This sounds like a very unstable environment for your kids. So, if you feel like leaving is the best option for you and most importantly them, then you're just going to have to bite the bullet and do it.


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## male50 (Jul 21, 2011)

In the past 3+ years this has been going on, I have tried everything you've suggested. 

1. Her medical records are not accessible to me due to the Hippa laws. I can't prove her diagnoses.
2. I took the kids and left once before. She went to the police and tried to charge me with kidnapping. When I took the kids, it was after I called the police to have her baker acted again, but, when they arrived, she calmed herself down and lied to them about being out of control. They asked her if she was taking her meds, and she said yes. She was lying to them. She refused to take her meds. It's all in her medical charts. I asked if I could just take the children and leave, and they said yes. I left, with the kids, while the police were keeping her away from us as we left. Then, 5 days later, the police are calling me with a report of kidnapping by her. Even when they found out it was false, and that I left under the supervision of the police, they said she was going to go to a judge in the morning and request they be taken away from me. They didn't want to believe my story, that this woman was out of control. After all, she was so much in control when they talked to her. She was just a grieving woman missing her children. How dare I move out with them. The next day, she filed a domestic violence injunction against me, had the kids forcibly removed from me, and, when it went to a hearing, the judge threw the case out. It was only when I got to tell my side of the story, and the police corroborrated my story about how I took the kids, did the judge throw the case out. 

I could go on and on about the insanities I've lived with in this situation. Why do I stay, or go back you may ask? Probably because I'm too stupid to really see what is going on. As I write the above, I can't believe I actually went back. 

By the way, there are oh so many ways to play the system. Anybody that has been through a divorce knows the so many lies that can be used to cause trauma to another individual. The system is not perfect. It doesn't take much to ruin somebody else's life if you really wanted to. Just one little white lie, and then another, and another, and, before you get to have your say, the whole system comes crashing down on you. So much for the innocent till proven guilty theory. This is what I mean by playing the system.

I guess I'm venting. sorry..


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## Lea2407 (Jul 14, 2011)

I definitely see your point. It sounds like a nightmare, but in the examples you gave, you were clearly in the right and the law sided with you on it. 

If you're going back to her because you think that the system won't work for you, my best suggestion would be to consult with an attorney. They can tell you exactly what to do in your situation.

If you're going back to her for other reasons, like you don't really want to leave her, then that's something that you need to work out for yourself. It sounds like you're not quite sure that you actually want to leave for good. 

Again, if you decide you're ready to get out, take the time to know your rights and talk with an attorney. Do this BEFORE you actually leave or even mention leaving. This way you don't make any mistakes that will make it harder on you in the long run.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I think you need to consult a lawyer. If you can't afford one go to legal aid. 

She has been prescribed meds - the way to determine if she is taking them or not is to look at the frequency of renewal. If the records are material to a declaration of incompetency then they can be obtained by a lawyer. You also have access to the phone records for your bisiness, tgerefore you have proof of the number of times she calls. No one in possession of their senses would call their spouse and risk financial ruin. 

You have all the evidence you need to get the kids to safety if you want. I know you are concerned about finances so if you leave you can get a restraining order so that she cannot call. You can also block the number after you leave. If the calls are ruining finances then things will pick up when you are out and she cannot call. 

This will be the most difficult thing you have ever done. However now you are a codependent. You make it easy for her to be non compliant. In addition your children need to get out of that environment. You owe them a stable life much more than you owe your wife. That tge way you have to approach. 

Do you have family ? If so go to them let know your plan. Speak to her family as well. She had to hit rock bottom to accept help. You will need a lot of support to get through this. IC if you can get it on a sliding scale. There is a lot you can do if you want to. Make priority your kids then yourself and act resolutely as their protector. You wife made her choice. She chooses the selfish path of ruining the lives of 3 kids and a loving husband. Don't help her do that. 

Keep a journal of he episodes of escalation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

See an attorney.


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## male50 (Jul 21, 2011)

Thanks everyone. I agree I need to consult an attorney before I do anything. It is so much easier not feeling so alone in this. I appreciate being able to post here.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I agree with Catherine.

Get a lawyer and they will be able to get her medical records and anything else they need.

Also start writing things down on a calender or in a journal about what happens when. It will be good for court.

Your children should not have to stay with her if she is that unstable.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Go to dadsdivorce.com and read Lessons Learned - Before and During.


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