# Husband wants to be a swinger...



## IMessedUpButLoveHim (Feb 16, 2013)

My H has talked to me before about swinging, but I always just sort of "laughed it off" so to speak. Well, I really think he wants to do it, but I'm scared about it. I don't think about sleeping with other men and I don't really care to sleep with anyone else other than my H. 
He thinks it will spice up our sex life and that it will make me feel good to see that I can still get guys interested in me. I feel like I should give it a try since it's something he wants to do, but I don't know if I could really follow through with it. I don't know what to think. I'm afraid he'll find a really hot girl and only think about her. It kinda makes me feel like I'm not good enough for him or something. 

Any advice? I really don't know what to do. Anyone done this and had it bring you closer or spice up your sex life?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

IMessedUpButLoveHim said:


> My H has talked to me before about swinging, but I always just sort of "laughed it off" so to speak. Well, I really think he wants to do it, but I'm scared about it. I don't think about sleeping with other men and I don't really care to sleep with anyone else other than my H.
> He thinks it will spice up our sex life and that it will make me feel good to see that I can still get guys interested in me. I feel like I should give it a try since it's something he wants to do, but I don't know if I could really follow through with it. I don't know what to think. I'm afraid he'll find a really hot girl and only think about her. It kinda makes me feel like I'm not good enough for him or something.
> 
> Any advice? I really don't know what to do. Anyone done this and had it bring you closer or spice up your sex life?


If you're not comfortable with it, then let him know that clearly, firmly, and why.



> He thinks it will spice up our sex life and that it will make me feel good to see that I can still get guys interested in me.


That's him trying to manipulate you into doing something that HE wants.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Absolutely do NOT do it! It will be a disaster if you both are not on board. Also, arent you questioning WHY he wants to be with other women??


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I am having difficulty correlating this thread and your previous :

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/67851-i-want-prove-he-can-trust-me.html


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## IMessedUpButLoveHim (Feb 16, 2013)

Entropy3000 said:


> I am having difficulty correlating this thread and your previous :
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/67851-i-want-prove-he-can-trust-me.html


What are you having trouble with exactly? I replied that we are fine now, he just wanted to punish me by giving me a hard time. Also, I have never cheated on him and I really don't want to sleep with other people. I wasn't dating him when those incidents happened.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

IMessedUpButLoveHim said:


> Any advice? I really don't know what to do.


First, I have to agree with Entropy... your husband got pissed off because you had sex with someone else, while you weren't officially a couple...asked you about it, repeatedly, and you lied about it... then at least part of the truth comes out... NOW he wants to swing? Something's not right here.


Regarding your question, asking for advice... I fail to see the issue here. Really. You say you have no interest in having sex with someone other than your husband (now)... So you tell him that, and leave it at that. You don't have to have sex with other people if you don't want to. YOU don't have to allow your marriage to be open if you don't want to. Seriously, how difficult is this to grasp? I really don't understand why it's so hard to comprehend. "NO!"... "Not happening"... NO ONE has to have sex with someone else just to make their spouse happy... no one.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> First, I have to agree with Entropy... your husband got pissed off because you had sex with someone else, while you weren't officially a couple...asked you about it, repeatedly, and you lied about it... then at least part of the truth comes out... NOW he wants to swing? Something's not right here.


Sounds to me like he might want to even up the score by having sex with another woman.


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## IMessedUpButLoveHim (Feb 16, 2013)

He's been wanting to swing even before he knew about the one encounter. He just has asked me again if I'm up to it. 

Also, yes I wasn't even dating him when those incidents happened. He wasn't angry about the actions, he was angry about the lying. He's told me that plenty of times. 

He joined a swinger site quite some time ago and has talked to couples before about possibly getting together, but he has always told me that he's talking to them and asking me if I want to get with them.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Well it seems like you are up for it ... so good luck.

Not a marriage freindly thing to do but if you are wanting to do it then not sure what anyone could tell you to stop you.

The thing is that really and truly the power comes from the women. Guys need a woman to get into this life. They are likely to lose her of course one way or another and then they are left out.

I mean think about it, what kind of a man would willingly let another man take his wife? Pretty low value.


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## IMessedUpButLoveHim (Feb 16, 2013)

I really don't want to do it. I have no desire to sleep with anyone else. The only thing is that he's been asking for quite some time now and I feel like maybe I could just give him a chance at it and maybe he's right that it will spice up our sex life, although I'm perfectly happy with our sex life. He says he gets bored fast. I'm his longest relationship. Other relations he's had have been by the months, never years. So, he's getting bored in bed with me since we've been going at it for years. He also says sex is meaningless, it's just a thing to do for fun and he just wants to have more fun. That's why I feel like maybe I should give him the chance at it.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

My wife and I have never been swingers, but I know people who have, and in each case the husband convinced the wife to try it, but eventually she ended up enjoying it a lot more than him. Take that for what it's worth. 

If you want to try it, then try it, but don't let yourself be pressured or forced into it.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

IMessedUpButLoveHim said:


> I really don't want to do it. I have no desire to sleep with anyone else. The only thing is that he's been asking for quite some time now and I feel like maybe I could just give him a chance at it and maybe he's right that it will spice up our sex life, although I'm perfectly happy with our sex life. He says he gets bored fast. I'm his longest relationship. Other relations he's had have been by the months, never years. So, he's getting bored in bed with me since we've been going at it for years. *He also says sex is meaningless, *it's just a thing to do for fun and he just wants to have more fun. That's why I feel like maybe I should give him the chance at it.


So sex with you is meaningless? Don't you think that's something to be concerned about? Husbands don't usually say sex with their wives is meaningless no matter how many years they've been having sex.

If you had sex with another man behind your husband's back, if you cheated, would he think that sex was meaningless?

I think if you agree to this, it's the next step on the way to divorce. He's already taken some steps in that direction - he's been talking to people on swinging sites.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Tell him to Google STD and HIV.

Then tell him while he is doing that, you'll Google a good divorce solicitor. Or attorney or whatever they call themselves where you live.

He was your husband and instead of that, he is now your marital albatross, hanging from your neck. Or is *that* what he meant by being a "swinger?"


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## Gabey (Feb 20, 2013)

Read through this thread and see what happens when both parties are not on the same page about swinging:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/68255-inter-cultural-couple-need-advice.html


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Tell him good luck with that, hopefully his next wife and himself have fun.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Put your foot down.

If he keep pressuring, show him the door.

He wants to have sex with other people. What a HUGE slap in the face to you, his wife.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

IMessedUpButLoveHim said:


> *I really don't want to do it. *I have no desire to sleep with anyone else. The only thing is that he's been asking for quite some time now and I feel like maybe I could just give him a chance at it and maybe he's right that it will spice up our sex life, although I'm perfectly happy with our sex life. He says he gets bored fast. I'm his longest relationship. Other relations he's had have been by the months, never years. So, he's getting bored in bed with me since we've been going at it for years. He also says sex is meaningless, it's just a thing to do for fun and he just wants to have more fun. That's why I feel like maybe I should give him the chance at it.


The highlighted, bold, underlined part is really all that needs to be said about it. You don't want to do it. So.... DON'T DO IT! You are not just a "relationship". You are his WIFE. You don't have to give it a chance if YOU don't want to do it. 

Here, let me repeat that... And repeat it to yourself: *YOU DO NOT HAVE TO HAVE SEX WITH ANYONE ELSE JUST BECAUSE HE WANTS YOU TO!*


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

:iagree: with Maricha.

No excuses have to be said. You don't want to do it. If he still does, then show him the door. SO disrespectful of him.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If you swing your marriage will end. I've known a few swingers and every last one of them is divorced. Oh theyve been hip and cool and arrogant about their openness, but every last one if their marriages fell apart.

I suspect it's because once you remove being faithful to your spouse, there is no difference between them and any other person.

The two are no longer one, they are just single people sharing a home between dates with others.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

The number one rule os winging is only do it if you are into it,because any other way will ate your marriage apart. I do know people who have been married a long time and are just your normal hard working people who you would never know are into it, but they are into swinging because they both want to be with no pressure.

I have been to many swingers clubs with my wife BUT we do not exchange partners because we are both jealious as hell but we are both very much into watching and being watched so that works for us and we do not cross the line,so seee if you can comprmise with your husband if you want to.

I also suggest going to the swinger baord website and not here even though they will tell you the same things I have said about not doing it if you don't want to,you will get more advice from people who know more about the subject.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

I just don't get it.

So far the OP and the backstory just don't add up. This guy is insanely jealous about 2 incidents when you weren't even officially dating, and pesters you for more than a year about it, yet at the same time, he's suggesting you swing with other couples?? 

I also read that you don't want to do it, but I don't recall seeing you say that you TOLD HIM that. Everyone here is quick to demonize him for "pressuring" you, but is him asking you to swing any different than a guy asking his wife for a BJ, really? Especially when you 'laughed it off'.. leaving that door wide open for him to ask again?

I see a lot of people projecting their morals in thread, and the continued misinformation that swinging is a death-sentence for marriage and will lead to STD's. Maybe people shouldn't type opinions on what they don't know to be fact.

OP - be clearer on the H's positions- they conflict and while that may be the case, it's really rare and shows that all is not as it seems. He may be testing you, or just may be screwed up sexually. Maybe seek counseling FIRST before seeking another couple.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

I figured maybe I spoke that a little too bluntly. Allow me to explain-

I've known women who thought a BJ was dirty, disgusting, and immoral. To them, it's high on the taboo list. To me, some types of bdsm are dehumanizing and morally disgusting, and I would feel the same way the previous woman felt about a BJ. Swinging, in it's own right is simply just another fetish.

In my POV, everything past the three main positions is a fetish, and I exclude them simply out of commonality. Different things turn on different people, and those same sets of things equally turn off some people. I don't really see how any of them are different. But then again. So comparatively, a BJ, BDSM, and swinging are ultimately no different in the sense that they are all fetishes among a great many other fetishes; some I like, some I don't.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

So tell her. 

I'm good with it, hope that helps


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Do not do this. It will not end well!


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Tell him he can swing... swing from the chandlier, swing from the ceiling, swing on the swing set, or he can swing right on out the door if its not something you want to do, period.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

swetecynamome said:


> What previous woman are you referring to?





> I've known *women who thought a BJ was dirty*, disgusting, and immoral. To them, it's high on the taboo list. To me, some types of bdsm are dehumanizing and morally disgusting, and I would feel the same way the *previous woman felt about a BJ*


Mystery solved


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## kandlestick (Feb 17, 2013)

I have read your other thread. He was not mad at you for your sexual situations with the other people but upset with the lies right? I say that you should do it and see what happens. This could be a one time situation. I think of all the posts Kaboom makes total sense I have a feeling this could be a fetish kind of thing. If you do it you could have fun and your husband too or it could not be your thing but still satisfy the curiosity. I don't think this will damage his perception of you but I guess it could change your perception of him. We don't know unless you can get him on here too and hear what he has to say. I hope all goes well and am happy that you two are working it out.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm breaking my self-imposed 24 hour TAM ban to respond on this thread. I'm a husband who talked my wife into swinging. It was a hugely bad choice for us. Our marriage was on the rocks and the swinging made it worse. It took me almost losing my wife to get my head on straight again.

It almost sounds like your H is trying to even up the score. However, your husband is going to find out that women in swinging have a LOT more sex than the men. This will not help the situation.

Please don't do this to your marriage.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

sandc said:


> I'm breaking my self-imposed 24 hour TAM ban to respond on this thread.


Too late.

You broke your self imposed 24 hour ban when you started reading posts.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Someone suggested this thread to me via PM.

Threadjack over.


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## obmon (Mar 27, 2013)

Swinging is complicated.

Most people see it as a 2 way street. You do, or you don't. Fact is, there are as many variations of swinging as there are couples who swing. Each have their own boundaries, rules, and limitations.

Couples who fail at swinging, are couples who focus on the sex aspect of swinging. You should not swing if what you are looking for is more sex, different sex, or sex with different people. Swinging is for people who want to enjoy new experiences WITH their partners and only for those couples who have ALREADY achieved full honesty and open transparency. The fact that other people are involved, is irrelevant.

Your husband is not a swinger by the way. It's more complicated than that. He is a wifesharer.

His behavior towards the incidences in your previous posts suggest to me that he was EXCITED by them, and simply did not adequately react to his emotions and allowed the jealousy to take control. Successful swinging is the ultimate display of trust. It says that a couple has elevated their emotional bond past the normal biological impulses and desires that define our species. He's not ready for that, neither are you.

One of the most common myths about swinging and wifesharing is that it is an attempt by the husband to live vicariously through his wife and her promiscuous behavior. The truth is that the wifesharer identifies not with the wife in the scenario, but with the other man. By experiencing sex with his wife, through the other man, it is as if he is meeting his wife again for the first time. A wifesharer can enjoy his wife as if for the first time, many times more. This inevitably leads to a greater bond between the successful swinging couple.

Your husband is simply exploring his emotions, and it will be a while before he is capable of having a healthy reaction to jealousy and swinging in general.

I suggest you do NOT go ahead with this. But I do suggest you stop listening to people in this forum. This forum is about marriage and the fidelity of marriage. Unless you specifically want people to talk you out of giving in, you need to do your own research. Swinging and wifesharing is a mixed bag for each person, and can only be really looked at from your own eyes.

Start with google. Search for keywords such as swinging, wifesharing, open relationships, and hotwives.

Read the many variant definitions (each one is slightly different) and then settle on your own. Understand the difference between a dominate wife-sharer and cuckold. Read essays and articles about the biological roots of swinging, polyamory, etc.

Try to stay away from the sex of it all, and try to understand the psychology of it all first.

Then with your husband, and no one else, use blindfolds and ask him to pretend to be someone else. See if you like that first. See if he likes it. Let a bit of the that world in a little at a time. Progress at your own rate. Stop anytime it starts to get uncomfortable. and most important of all.. lay down a set of rules, capable of being amended as needed, agreed upon by both, and never deviate from the rules.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Firstly, I agree with the other posters. If you are not really hot for this it will be a disaster. Jealousy will rear its ugly head, but I would bet that it would come from him rather than you. Its a cold, hard fact that women have a much higher hit rate in these situations than men.

My wife and I visited a swinger's club once. It turned out to be funny rather than sexy, unless the image of a bald, 300-pound truck driver grunting as someone rubs ice on his nipples is your thing. We decided to keep it between ourselves after that. 

Tell him to get over it.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

obmon said:


> Swinging is complicated.
> 
> Most people see it as a 2 way street. You do, or you don't. Fact is, there are as many variations of swinging as there are couples who swing. Each have their own boundaries, rules, and limitations.
> 
> ...


excellent objective advice.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I vote for settling the score.

hes looking for some strange ....... he knows you were lying all these times he asked about it. sees you as promiscus . which by my definition you were. drinking until you can't remember and having sex and giving head to people you barley knew.


I would not do the swinging thing it will most likley be the end of your marriage,

how about taking the aproach of being pi$$ed he even had the balls to ask. say WTF don't I do it for you anymore .....if thats the case let just call it a day and get divorced!

you know theres more than swinging to spice up your sex life. maybe reconnecting on an emotional level and really finding you love eachother or that you really don't love eachother.


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## sliverchair (Mar 29, 2013)

obmon said:


> Swinging is complicated.
> 
> Most people see it as a 2 way street. You do, or you don't. Fact is, there are as many variations of swinging as there are couples who swing. Each have their own boundaries, rules, and limitations.
> 
> ...


Being that I am in a similar situation, this response resonates with me. I'm trying to come to terms with what my husband wants (he says he wants to be swingers) but basically refuses to discuss what that would entail.


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## controlledchaos (Oct 14, 2012)

You've lied to him on regular occasion over a long period of time, and your husband is over you as a person, so wants a bit of fun. Simple as that, in my opinion. I'd guess the only reason you haven't divorced yet is your child (one, if I read correctly). 

The worrying thing is that in one of your posts you said that *you are pregnant* again? Surely that's not the time to start swinging.

Your husband doesn't trust you, resents you, isn't attracted to you, and is bored. The relationship is over if you aren't able to fix all of that, ASAP.


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