# Am I Emotionally Abusive?



## MaBi123 (Nov 28, 2013)

My fiance (possibly soon to be ex...we have lots of problems) calls me emotionally abusive. 

Here are his reasons:

1) I am a negative person who is a "debby downer" and that makes him feel negative - therefore, I am emotionally abusive. 

By "negative" I don't mean that I yell at him or call him names. I just don't get excited about things and I'm pessimistic and don't look on the bright side most of the time. I have depression and have had it for a long time, most of my life since my teen years. A lot of the time I just feel like being alone and ask for alone time, which he says makes him feel bad about himself (again, I'm emotionally abusive). I want to try therapy, he strongly discourages it.

2) I tell him that I am unhappy in the relationship and want it to end. I haven't left yet because there are tons of complications that I won't get into here for length and relevance reasons.

The reasons why I want to leave are numerous, but they boil down to me believing HE is really the emotionally abusive one. 

I kept track recently, and in a period of 30 days I was called stupid (or some variation) 27 times, a "b*tch" 16 times, and a "s*ut" 3 times. 

Some of the times it was during a fight. But many of the times I was called stupid for making mistakes or doing things he didn't agree with. 

For example, I accidentally downloaded a virus onto the computer. Obviously this was not done on purpose. He went on for 5 minutes about how stupid I am, how he feels like he is engaged to Edith Bunker (the dim witted wife from "All in the Family" for those who don't know), that I am a f*cking retard, etc etc. I am now afraid to make mistakes around him.

When I tell him I want to leave, I am called emotionally abusive. He tells me that he will change, but I am not being supportive or positive enough. I usually hear this when, after I hear him apologize for calling me stupid yet again I say "don't keep saying sorry, just stop doing it" which he then says makes me emotionally abusive and a b*tch. Then the cycle repeats itself.

He says that if I didn't emotionally abuse him by telling him I don't want to be in the relationship at that I am unhappy, he would have the incentive to treat me better. 

I say the same thing. I'd want to be in the relationship if he treated me better.

The thing is, I already feel a change in me. I'm not going to pretend that I was always happy, upbeat, and had a high self esteem. That isn't the case. But I don't think I have ever felt worse about myself than I do now.

I honestly feel that if I ended the relationship, no other man would want to be with me. 

So I don't really know how to respond to his allegations that I am the emotionally abusive one.

And by the way, posting on this forum is wrong and unfaithful, so I guess I am also a cheater now. I just don't have anyone else to talk to.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

From what you wrote, you are not emotionally abusive. Do not prevent him from seeking the help you need to overcome your depression.
Just go see a counselor. A professional will tell you the name calling is not appropriate. Sounds to me he is projecting his own abuse towards you.

Do not worry about finding another man. Most of us are afraid to leave an unfulfilling relationship because we are afraid of being alone.
But trust me, it is better to be alone than with someone who does not value you.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

You don't need his permission to go to therapy.

Find someone who can prescribe meds - it may take time to find the right one and/or the right combination to help take the edge off the depression. And then you can get down to the work of finding out who you are and what you want out of life.

Don't settle for some dumba$$ who treats you less than. 
The Edith Bunker comment was really snarky.
He's a jerk.

You'll feel a heckuva a lot better when you aren't with someone who feeds your self-loathing.


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## RP49D22 (Dec 7, 2011)

You should not be called those names, as it's not normal. You're not even married yet, so it's only going to get worse from here. I was in a 21yr marriage and my ex-wife called me foul and demeaning names often.....I now know that it's unacceptable and inappropriate. 

My advice is that you exit the relationship and work on your depression issues, so that you can become mentally healthy. Someone will come along who treats you properly even in the midst of arguing.


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## MaBi123 (Nov 28, 2013)

Unique Username said:


> You don't need his permission to go to therapy.


I know I don't but I know he would do his best to sabotage it. I don't have a car and would likely need a ride and he'd probably just refuse. Or he would find some other way to prevent me from going. He can be very crafty.

He thinks therapy is a waste of money (which neither of us has) and does more harm than good. That's been his experience.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

I'm sure there are places in your community where they have counseling on a sliding scale - as in income based fees. Like as low as $5 or $10 a session. 
Check out your local Catholic Charities - they often have many different things to offer to help people in your community.
You don't have to be catholic or any religion at all to take advantage of their help.

Do you work? Do you have friends? Do you have Family? Do you go to church? Wherever there are other human beings you can find someone to assist you in getting the help you need.

Screw his experience with counseling or therapy. It isn't YOUR experience. 

You could even check out the domestic violence shelter to get some assistance with transportation and counseling. 

Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships 
check out this link and learn for yourself

DO something about it - stop defeating yourself before you've even tried.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Run as fast as you can and please don't marry this guy. The horrible name calling would be too much for me to handle personally, all of that in a 30 day period OMG that is insanity. In 47 years I have never been called such names, no way should you be suffering this abuse for 30 days, or ever again.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

I just read some of your other posts.

He has been physically abusive to you as well.

Get out. Get help. Get better.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

This was from 12/3 I believe
update: 

We've been apart for a while to cool down. We talked a little in those days and I didn't mention "Sarah." Today I brought it up again. It's not something that I am going to let drop even if we break up and I told him that. He just kept telling me to shut up and not talk about it. I told him that I was not going to let it go and said, "If you won't be clear about who she is and how she's supposedly related to you, I have to assume you are cheating."

He kept saying not to accuse him of cheating because he wasn't and I would "feel stupid" if I knew who she was. I kept doing it, because I was angry. I know I shouldn't have goaded him or "egged him on." That was dumb of me.

Finally he told me not to do it again or I'd be sorry. I said something like, "she must be a really special girl if you're going to all this trouble to keep her a secret."

He left the room and came back with wet canned cat food all over his hands and smeared it in my face and down my top. 

Cat food doesn't taste good, if anyone is wondering.

Then he grabbed my tea cup and threw tea in my face. Luckily, my tea wasn't very hot so it didn't hurt.

He said, "see that's what happens when you don't drop it." Then he accused me of being "emotionally abusive" for goading him and for pushing the issue.

I'm still the wrong one for snooping, btw.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Unique Username said:


> This was from 12/3 I believe
> update:
> 
> We've been apart for a while to cool down. We talked a little in those days and I didn't mention "Sarah." Today I brought it up again. It's not something that I am going to let drop even if we break up and I told him that. He just kept telling me to shut up and not talk about it. I told him that I was not going to let it go and said, "If you won't be clear about who she is and how she's supposedly related to you, I have to assume you are cheating."
> ...


I am speechless. 

OP, you are an emotional punching bag. Get out. Run and never look back. He is trying to get you to fight back so he can escalate this into physical beatings and then blame you for it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm still trying to figure out why you're even considering marrying him. Or if he truly thinks you're abusive, why he's considering marrying you. The two of you are in an obviously dysfunctional relationship, and getting married is NOT going to fix any of it.

C


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## NewlyWed2000 (Oct 8, 2013)

I'd go to a counselor ASAP. It sounds like you aren't happy with yourself. It sounds like he isn't a good person but more importantly you won't be happy with anyone until you can be happy with yourself and your own life.

Find a way to start going, use the bus -whatever it takes and I think you'll start finding true happiness over time.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

There is help for depression. I have been effected by it as well. If you have to take meds to help, do so and work on you in the meantime....gym time, eat well, make yourself get out with lady friends, do things for you that make you feel good about yourself. I have even found really positive thinking books to be helpful. Get as much sun on your skin as you can and if you are not already, take a muli vitamin that has at least 1000 mg of vit D....a person who does not receive enough vit D is vulnerable to depression. If you live in an area of the country where you receive little sun light in the winter you may need additional vit D.

As far as the boyfriend, he is the emotionally abusive one. He is "Projecting." Projecting is something a person says to, or about, another person that they do not like but it is actually them who is doing it. They cannot see it in themselves because they have projected it onto the other person and as soon as they do, it is not their issue, it is not their problem, it is the other person's. They do this to take no responsibility for their actions and cannot be blamed. The thought process is very real in their heads.


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## MaBi123 (Nov 28, 2013)

AVR1962 said:


> There is help for depression. I have been effected by it as well. If you have to take meds to help, do so and work on you in the meantime....gym time, eat well, make yourself get out with lady friends, do things for you that make you feel good about yourself. I have even found really positive thinking books to be helpful. Get as much sun on your skin as you can and if you are not already, take a muli vitamin that has at least 1000 mg of vit D....a person who does not receive enough vit D is vulnerable to depression. If you live in an area of the country where you receive little sun light in the winter you may need additional vit D.
> 
> As far as the boyfriend, he is the emotionally abusive one. He is "Projecting." Projecting is something a person says to, or about, another person that they do not like but it is actually them who is doing it. They cannot see it in themselves because they have projected it onto the other person and as soon as they do, it is not their issue, it is not their problem, it is the other person's. They do this to take no responsibility for their actions and cannot be blamed. The thought process is very real in their heads.


Do you really think he doesn't realize he is being emotionally abusive? How could someone not know? 

Sometimes I think I am just not relationship material. I think I am one of those people who was meant to be single forever.

I get lonely sometimes, but I would much prefer to live alone and do things my own way. I have really grown to hate having to coordinate and think about another person with every decision I make, especially over the last year.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

MaBi123 said:


> Do you really think he doesn't realize he is being emotionally abusive? How could someone not know? .


Does he behave that way to other people? Friends, his boss? If not, then he is well aware of what he is doing.


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## MaBi123 (Nov 28, 2013)

SaltInWound said:


> Does he behave that way to other people? Friends, his boss? If not, then he is well aware of what he is doing.


Yes, he does. I receive the worst of it and most often, but I've heard him do it to others.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

MaBi123 said:


> Do you really think he doesn't realize he is being emotionally abusive? How could someone not know?


Many people come on here trying to figure out their partner. And they spend lots and lots of time asking, "Why does he/she do it? What is his/her motivation?" I have found trying to figure out other people is a one-way ticket to Crazy Street. Seriously.

All you are responsible for is what you own. And, in this case, you need to decide to leave this man and get help for yourself. That is what you control.

And my hunch is this loser preys on vulnerable people like you who are depressed, lack self-esteem, and feel they cannot attract quality people.

Get out. Get help for yourself. Get better.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

MaBi123 said:


> My fiance (possibly soon to be ex...we have lots of problems) calls me emotionally abusive.
> 
> Here are his reasons:
> 
> ...


Can't promise any cure for depression, but being in an environment where you're not called names and put down will help immensely. 

Inability to make decisions and thinking you'll not be wanted by anyone else are characteristic signs of domestic abuse.


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## MaBi123 (Nov 28, 2013)

so I was just called a b*tch over the phone. He was giving me an entire list of what he wants to buy his family for xmas, and he told me I needed to find these things and purchase them online and then he will give me the money.

To be fair, he has been very busy lately. So it's not like he's sitting on his butt watching TV right now. He is working all day and night and will be doing the same all this week.

However, I told him to be nicer and not order me around so much. I told him that I'm doing him a favor and he didn't need to take a dictator like tone with me over the xmas presents, to which I was told I was a lazy b*tch.

Is it acceptable for me to say something like, "If you continue to treat me this way and call me a b*tch I will leave this relationship" 

Or does this sound like a threat/ultimatum? Is it not the best way to handle this?


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

MaBi123 said:


> Is it acceptable for me to say something like, "If you continue to treat me this way and call me a b*tch I will leave this relationship"
> 
> Or does this sound like a threat/ultimatum? Is it not the best way to handle this?


Absolutely tell him you will not tolerate his behavior, however if you make a threat or ultimatum, you MUST follow through if he does it again. If you don't follow through, he will see that you won't leave him and he will continue doing what he is doing. 

I'm a stronger person today than I was before getting away from my abuser. There is no way I would do my spouse or anyone else a favor after being verbally abused. Not even if they apologized. I know coming from a person like that, an apology means nothing more than "When I called you a lazy ***** I meant every word. I'm only apologizing so you will do what I want, because I know the kind of person you are. As long as I say what you want to hear, you will believe I am sincere. "


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## MaBi123 (Nov 28, 2013)

What makes the situation more confusing is that he is not always like this. If he isn't angry at me or we aren't fighting, he compliments me constantly. Probably more than anyone else I have ever been in a relationship with.

But then as soon as he gets mad at me for something or we fight, he says the exact opposite of everything that he complimented me over. 

If he says I am smart and talented when things are find, then I am stupid when we fight. He always says I'm beautiful and have a good body, but when we fight I am fat and unattractive. He says he is lucky to have me one minute, but when we fight I'm a b*tch that no one would want and I should kill myself.

It's very confusing and hurtful.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

MaBi123 said:


> What makes the situation more confusing is that he is not always like this. If he isn't angry at me or we aren't fighting, he compliments me constantly. Probably more than anyone else I have ever been in a relationship with.
> 
> But then as soon as he gets mad at me for something or we fight, he says the exact opposite of everything that he complimented me over.
> 
> ...


He probably even buys you flowers, does nice things for you, etc, the day after he blows up/yells & scream, slashes up your purse or smears cat food all over your face. The world is full of a$$holes, male and female, who are pleasant to be around when they're not agitated. Your guy is an abuser.

But, this isn't anything different than you've been told at every step by people here, and you wouldn't be the first person who has to be told over and over again, either.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

MaBi123 said:


> What makes the situation more confusing is that he is not always like this. If he isn't angry at me or we aren't fighting, he compliments me constantly. Probably more than anyone else I have ever been in a relationship with.
> 
> But then as soon as he gets mad at me for something or we fight, he says the exact opposite of everything that he complimented me over.
> 
> ...


The angry, abusive him is the real him. You need to get that straight in your head to understand what you are dealing with.

He knows a person will not tolerate constant abuse 100% of the time. At some point, everyone breaks. When they see you pulling away, they pretend to be nice to reel you back in. Suddenly they are Prince Charming, giving you compliments, flowers, helping you. It is all the stuff they know you have always wanted in the relationship. And they know when they treat you this way, you will forget about all the horrible treatment of the past, because you think they have finally gotten the epiphany and have changed. And when they know you are feeling secure and happy, they can lower the facade and return to the real them.......the abuser. The cycle begins. 

The only way to break the cycle is to leave him.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Oh sweetie, this thread makes me cry...I was with a man just like this too. You need to get out NOW. It won't get better, only worse, much worse once you're married. Marriage doesn't fix issues, it magnifies them...

I too was worried that I'd never find a nice man - but I did. My wonderful husband. I can see now though, that even if I did remain single forever it would be FAR better than staying with that awful man who treated me so badly. I will never let anyone make me feel that way again.

He is probably resistant to your getting therapy because he knows the therapist will point out the abuse you're enduring and he will lose control of you.

Please, I implore you to leave. Don't tell him, just go. Leave him a note if you like but just go. You'll be pleasantly surprised at how your depression improves by removing yourself from that environment.

There are always options and choices...keep posting here...we'll help and advise you...in the end though, you're the only one who can remove yourself from this toxic situation.

Big hugs sweetie xo


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

MaBi123 said:


> What makes the situation more confusing is that he is not always like this. If he isn't angry at me or we aren't fighting, he compliments me constantly. Probably more than anyone else I have ever been in a relationship with.


He knows how to give you just enough to keep you hooked, doesn't he?


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

MissFroggie said:


> The thing with the cat food etc just made me furious and disgusted and *sent a shiver of fear through me that made me feel weird in my stomach*.


 As I read about that, I began shaking and felt paralyzed. I remember some of the things my stbxh did to me in an attempt to humiliate, make me cry, or anger me. Anything to get a reaction and test me to see what needed to be tweaked to get a better reaction. Sadistic [email protected] I don't think you ever get over it 100%.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

MaBi123 said:


> Do you really think he doesn't realize he is being emotionally abusive? How could someone not know?
> 
> Sometimes I think I am just not relationship material. I think I am one of those people who was meant to be single forever.
> 
> I get lonely sometimes, but I would much prefer to live alone and do things my own way. I have really grown to hate having to coordinate and think about another person with every decision I make, especially over the last year.


OP

I think he is using the term 'emotionally abusive' incorrectly. It is not someone saying they are unhappy or being pessimistic or negative. It involves systematic, verbal assaults on a person's self confidence, pride, self respect. Name calling but often not just that....ongoing narratives on the abused person's lack of intelligence, physical ugliness, sexual inadequacy, immorality, what a disappointment they have been, comparing them to other people.....and on and on.......with devastating effects on abused psyche if it is allowed to continue.

Sounds like neither of you are being emotionally abusive, though he might be moving in that direction. Once he's got you in marriage he might then let himself go all the way. DO NOT GET MARRIED


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

MissFroggie said:


> The thing with the cat food etc just made me furious and disgusted and sent a shiver of fear through me that made me feel weird in my stomach.


I missed this part...what's this about?


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Read Page one or simply look at all the other postys she has made about him.

He is emotionally and physically abusive to her.

I gave her a link to see for herself what the different forms of abuse are. 

Here is another one Types of Abuse: The Different Forms of Abuse - HealthyPlace


As I said before GET OUT, GET HELP, GET BETTER.


Here is a link to test yourself to see Battered Woman Test - HealthyPlace


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Why do you want to be with this man? Think of another woman you love...a friend or your mom or sister. If she was dating a guy like this, what would you tell her?

Now, why won't you be this kind to yourself? Don't you believe you deserve better? Of course you do. So, leave, don't ask, don't talk it over with him, just leave, and don't ever look back, and chalk it up to experience. 
Your future husband is looking for you. This guy is keeping you from him.
You. Deserve. Better.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Have you left yet? 
Can I send you bus fare?
Love you, sis.
Get the f outa there.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It should be a reflex, when someone calls you a b*tch on the phone, hang up.


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