# I have "a cheaters heart". Can I be fixed?



## robtheshadow (Mar 31, 2015)

My first time posting here, so this may ramble. A bit about me to start:

Been with wife for 8 years, married for 5 and have 2 beautiful children together.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't look/think about other women occasionally, but I never thought I'd act on those impulses. 
Recently had an unplanned/spur of the moment incident with another woman. Did not sleep with her, but things went way further than they should have. 

My wife does not know about this. But I basically loaded a gun and gave it to this other woman and said "here, you now have the power to execute my marriage."

I'm trying to get an appointment with a psychologist. That's one step I've already taken.

I don't want to tell my wife. I don't want to hurt my kids, or her, or the relationship. I think I'm an excellent father to my boys, but I'm now a **** husband. I don't know why I did what I did. I don't understand it...I felt like I was a spectator to the event.

I was cheated on in my first real relationship so I know first hand how **** it feels. That was almost 20 years ago and I've never forgotten it. I stayed single for over 5 years after it happened because I felt so awful and disillusioned with "love."

The really insane part of this is I feel like I should go back to the other woman for round 2 so that when it all comes out I can at least say I got some minuscule enjoyment out of it. As of right now, it doesn't seem like it was real. I'm in a mental nightmare of my own making that I can't wake up from.

Please reach through the screen and slap some sense into me.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Probably not.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I was with you right til the last small paragraph.

What I was going to say was, first of all, good on you for being a man and recognizing what you've done. But that you should be a REAL man and tell your wife. You screwed up, and admitting it is a huge step towards making sure it doesn't happen again. Yes, it would hurt your wife, but she deserves to know. Otherwise, the chance that it will come out at some point further down the road would be FAR more devastating. Always best to get out in front of things.

I was also going to tell you to be prepared for some not-so-nice replies here (which perhaps you need) and to not let them get your back up too much.

Then you suggested that you are contemplating going back for more, and you lost me.

If you spend any time at all on TAM, read other people's threads her in the infidelity forums. You'll be doing yourself a favor. It is consensus that these types of things don't "just happen". There is always a reason, whether it's obvious or not.

Start with your marriage. Communication. You're not getting enough of something. And don't blame your wife, that's the easy way out. My ex wife had at least one affair. And why? Because I wasn't doing enough to make her happy. Did she ever bother to communicate this to me? Did I get a chance to fix it? No. She took the easiest, most simplistic and selfish route. And years later, THAT'S the only resentment I have towards her. Not the affair, but that she didn't bother to come to me with concerns about our relationship.

One thing that you will learn here is that the cheater is always at fault. Always. It doesn't matter how bad things are for him/her, there is always a better alternative (fix the problem, counselling, divorce). Infidelity within a marriage is the worst offense one can make against ones spouse, regardless of circumstance.

So firstly, figure out why you did this. Then tell your wife. Then figure out how to never do this again, hopefully with her help.


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## Rockymts (Mar 26, 2015)

Just tell your wife you know in your heart you can't be faithful and you don't really feel like trying. 

end it as friendly as you can then go do whatever you want. If you put effort into see your kids and being there for them when you need to be then they will still love you.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Divorce your wife. After you have split the assets, sold the house, established a visitation schedule with the kids, determined your child support and alimony payments...then you can plan on hooking up for round 2 with the other woman in your new 1 bedroom apartment instead of your family minivan.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I'm with Alex. I was on your side until that last bit about wanting to go for round two.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

robtheshadow said:


> My first time posting here, so this may ramble. A bit about me to start:
> 
> Been with wife for 8 years, married for 5 and have 2 beautiful children together.
> 
> ...


Come clean.

Your wife has the right to know.

If she stays to work on it, help her any way she needs it.

If she decides to leave, wish her well, and do what you can for her.

Whatever you do, this other woman should no longer exist for you.

It's called accountability. It's what men do.


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## robtheshadow (Mar 31, 2015)

Thanks for the replies. Some are like a much needed punch in the gut. The rnd 2 comment was made because I'm still in denial that something happened. It doesn't seem real. 

Is the consensus that the partner must always know? I don't know if I agree with that. When I got cheated on it destroyed my heart and my self esteem. I would have rather her just make something up about 'not working out' or 'its not you, its me' and leave.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Man up and tell your wife what you did... Also going back for round two shows me that you obviously did not give a **** about doing it the first time as you want to do it again NO logic in your reasons for wanting to do it again.... so NO i do not think you can be fixed, because i cant see you wanting to fix it??.

I am not naive, I know my husband notices other pretty women, but the difference is... ACTING upon them... Ever heard of look, but do not touch... seriously tho, tell your wife, and stay away from this woman.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

robtheshadow said:


> Thanks for the replies. Some are like a much needed punch in the gut. *The rnd 2 comment was made because I'm still in denial that something happened.* It doesn't seem real.
> 
> Is the consensus that the partner must always know? I don't know if I agree with that. When I got cheated on it destroyed my heart and my self esteem. I would have rather her just make something up about 'not working out' or 'its not you, its me' and leave.


So what actually happened? Who is this woman to you and how did she end up in your car? Hitchhiker? Mom to your kids' friends?

If you don't tell your wife, you might feel safe to go further with a woman next time. If you don't tell your wife, the other woman may tell her. Trust me...you don't want that. If you don't tell you're wife...you're a coward. If you were brave enough to mess with a woman in the vehicle that carries your children, you should be brave enough to come clean to your wife. She deserves that.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

robtheshadow said:


> Thanks for the replies. Some are like a much needed punch in the gut. The rnd 2 comment was made because I'm still in denial that something happened. It doesn't seem real.
> 
> Is the consensus that the partner must always know? I don't know if I agree with that. When I got cheated on it destroyed my heart and my self esteem. I would have rather her just make something up about 'not working out' or 'its not you, its me' and leave.


Kudos for feeling a small amount of guilt. It obviously isn't enough to prevent you from going back to stab your wife in the back for a second time. Now for the non snarky response. Lying to your SO about the reason for a marital breakup? That's not what a grown up does. And brushing off your actions with "it didn't seem real" isn't owning what you did. Be honest with her. After what you did, you owe her that much.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

robtheshadow said:


> Thanks for the replies. Some are like a much needed punch in the gut. The rnd 2 comment was made because I'm still in denial that something happened. It doesn't seem real.
> 
> Is the consensus that the partner must always know? I don't know if I agree with that. When I got cheated on it destroyed my heart and my self esteem. I would have rather her just make something up about 'not working out' or 'its not you, its me' and leave.


I think you'll get a lot of different responses on this issue. My personal opinion is that if you are absolutely committed to NEVER EVER doing that again (and only you know that), I think it's on you to harbor this secret forever and not tell her. My brother-in-law hit on me twice while I was going through a divorce 5 years ago. After the second time I told him to knock it the hell off or I was telling my twin sister (his wife). He apologized and it never happened again. She would have been destroyed if she ever found out. I don't regret how we handled it. (I just, obviously, hope he's not doing that with someone else....I keep a close watch.....)


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I believe you should tell your W because you owe her the respect of the chance to make vital decisions about her own marriage and life.

Right now, you have cheated on her and are deciding what kind of marriage she should have: You have decided that she will live in ignorance of your betrayal and thus will tacitly accept that type of marriage.

But she should make her own decision about how she wants to live her life. If she doesn't want to accept the infidelity, then that is her right. If she wants to try to reconcile, then that is a decision you can make together.

Assuming responsibility for her choices about her life is disrespect, in my opinion. It is not for you to do that.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

More details required.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

If your wife cheated, would you want to know? 

Think long and hard before you answer. 
And think about all the consequences of an affair.

Then you should have your answer as to whether or not you should tell her.


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## robtheshadow (Mar 31, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I think you'll get a lot of different responses on this issue. My personal opinion is that if you are absolutely committed to NEVER EVER doing that again (and only you know that), I think it's on you to harbor this secret forever and not tell her. My brother-in-law hit on me twice while I was going through a divorce 5 years ago. After the second time I told him to knock it the hell off or I was telling my twin sister (his wife). He apologized and it never happened again. She would have been destroyed if she ever found out. I don't regret how we handled it. (I just, obviously, hope he's not doing that with someone else....I keep a close watch.....)


I think that's one of my main concerns right now. I never thought I would do anything to begin with. How can I now say with any certainty that I would never do it again? 

Not to derail my own thread, but how do you feel about having the ammunition to end your sister's marriage? Is that fair to have to carry that burden for the rest of your life?


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## BrutalHonesty (Apr 5, 2015)

If you are perceiving that you can't be monogamous you have no place having a traditional marriage. And the main issue people will have with what you did is that there are kids in the picture. It's not about adults doing their thing anymore.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I think you'll get a lot of different responses on this issue. My personal opinion is that if you are absolutely committed to NEVER EVER doing that again (and only you know that), I think it's on you to harbor this secret forever and not tell her. My brother-in-law hit on me twice while I was going through a divorce 5 years ago. After the second time I told him to knock it the hell off or I was telling my twin sister (his wife). He apologized and it never happened again. She would have been destroyed if she ever found out. I don't regret how we handled it. (I just, obviously, hope he's not doing that with someone else....I keep a close watch.....)


Excuse me i have this wrong, and i apologise in advance if i have.... You think he should keep it a secret?. Even if he does not plan to do it again, and i am not sure this is true... does his wife not have the right to know her man has been putting it about?.... I most certainly would want to know if my husband had been messing about even if he never actually had sex?.

Of course it would destroy me, but should i not be given the choice to what decisions i wanted to make about it the whole thing?.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> I believe you should tell your W because you owe her the respect of the chance to make vital decisions about her own marriage and life.
> 
> Right now, you have cheated on her and are deciding what kind of marriage she should have: You have decided that she will live in ignorance of your betrayal and thus will tacitly accept that type of marriage.
> 
> ...


:iagree:...... Totally with everything you've said ( You put it sooo much better than me:smthumbup:


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## robtheshadow (Mar 31, 2015)

BrutalHonesty said:


> If you are perceiving that you can't be monogamous you have no place having a traditional marriage. And the main issue people will have with what you did is that there are kids in the picture. It's not about adults doing their thing anymore.


Something I will be bringing up with a psychologist asap. Up until this incident I've been monogamous, so why this bump in the road? Maybe there's a lot more going on in my head and I decided to throw a grenade into the mix? I don't know. 

All I know is that I love my kids more than I thought I could ever love anything. To be honest, my wife is a very different 2nd place and well, I don't love myself at all right now.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

robtheshadow said:


> Something I will be bringing up with a psychologist asap. *Up until this incident I've been monogamous, so why this bump in the road?* Maybe there's a lot more going on in my head and I decided to throw a grenade into the mix? I don't know.


Simple.

You failed to establish appropriate boundaries around this particular woman. 

And yes, your wife has the right to know. You are the one who betrayed her, and so now she has the right to decide what works best for her in this marriage.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Are there things you are unhappy with in your marriage at all?

You sound so MUCH like my H. I found out he was cheating/trying to cheat though. He thought I would never find out. Over time, the truth usually has a funny way of showing up, though. 

My H said he didn't know why he did it either. He had been previously cheated on by his ex wife. He claims he's totally happy with me and our children. Every time I try to understand it, he just says, "I don't know."

Are you bored with your life in general? Are you having issues in your marriage that neither you or your wife have addressed?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

robtheshadow said:


> My first time posting here, so this may ramble. A bit about me to start:
> 
> Been with wife for 8 years, married for 5 and have 2 beautiful children together.
> 
> ...


*KapOWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!*

That was the slap.

You regret not really getting it on with the OW and really getting down to an act of carnal congress hitherto unknown in the annals of carnal congressness?

I know where you are coming from.

I too had those feelings from time-to-time.

Just be thankful you didn't act on them.

And continue to refuse to act on them.


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## robtheshadow (Mar 31, 2015)

There's a lot of areas of my marriage that could be better, but I'm not going to try to shift blame to any of them. 

It was an 'out of character' incident that I'm still trying to figure out. Maybe it was in my character this whole time, and I've just been good at repressing it? Hopefully I can get in to see a psychologist really soon to help me make sense of my self-sabotaging actions. 

If my wife were cheating on me, yes I would want to know...if it was an ongoing affair. A "one off" mistake....I don't think I want to know.


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## 1marriedlady (Mar 27, 2015)

Don't go back for round two. 
If you never EVER do it again, don't tell her.!! I can hear all the haters yelling at me now. 
You feel bad enough for both of you. What is telling her going to accomplish? Nothing - it's going to hurt her and your kids, and for what? To clear your conscious? Go to confession. Talk to a professional but do not tell her. Will it make you feel better? I don't think so.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

1marriedlady said:


> Don't go back for round two.
> If you never EVER do it again, don't tell her.!! I can hear all the haters yelling at me now.
> You feel bad enough for both of you. What is telling her going to accomplish? Nothing - it's going to hurt her and your kids, and for what? To clear your conscious? Go to confession. Talk to a professional but do not tell her. *Will it make you feel better?* I don't think so.



That's kind of a selfish way to think about it, right? 


It allows his wife to make a decision about HER life. She is unknowingly staying with someone who could very much hurt her. If he told her and explained to her that he is going to get help, she might decide to stay. But it will be HER decision about HER life...that HE is part of.

Likewise, if she didn't want to stay with someone who could do this, she could make the decision NOT to waste her time - which is so precious to all of us.


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## 1marriedlady (Mar 27, 2015)

staarz21 said:


> That's kind of a selfish way to think about it, right?
> 
> 
> It allows his wife to make a decision about HER life. She is unknowingly staying with someone who could very much hurt her. If he told her and explained to her that he is going to get help, she might decide to stay. But it will be HER decision about HER life...that HE is part of.
> ...


I was attracted to a coworker and I never acted on it (years ago) and I told my hubby because I was confused. I will never forget the look on his face.

I wish I could go back and keep my mouth shut - I broke his heart. I didn't feel better and he was hurt. What did it accomplish? Nothing.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

robtheshadow said:


> I think that's one of my main concerns right now. I never thought I would do anything to begin with. How can I now say with any certainty that I would never do it again?
> 
> Not to derail my own thread, but how do you feel about having the ammunition to end your sister's marriage? Is that fair to have to carry that burden for the rest of your life?


I don't really feel like it's a burden to me. It feels awful to have that "ammunition," but I know her, and I know that would likely not end it. It would just make her miserable to stay in it . He's great to her and their kids, generally (mostly) speaking. They have a good life. Both times he hit on me, he was drinking. He ceased it all and never tried it again after I reamed him out. They work together, from their home, and home school, so I don't think he has all that much opportunity to be cheating on her. I really hope he's not. I do believe people (like him) get get a wake up call....I hope YOU have gotten one, but I'm not so sure. Take it from me, a woman two times cheated on by the same husband (attempted reconciliation after divorce)....while I was participating in the last 15 minutes of my teenage daughter's counseling session tonight....it SUCKS FOR THE KIDS!!!!!!!! Think before you act.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

melw74 said:


> Excuse me i have this wrong, and i apologise in advance if i have.... You think he should keep it a secret?. Even if he does not plan to do it again, and i am not sure this is true... does his wife not have the right to know her man has been putting it about?.... I most certainly would want to know if my husband had been messing about even if he never actually had sex?.
> 
> Of course it would destroy me, but should i not be given the choice to what decisions i wanted to make about it the whole thing?.


You're not misinterpreting me......and I don't know the answer to your question. Maybe it is different, case by case??? I don't know....it's really a very tough call .


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

robtheshadow said:


> My first time posting here, so this may ramble. A bit about me to start:
> 
> Been with wife for 8 years, married for 5 and have 2 beautiful children together.
> 
> ...


Obviously something is missing in your relationship with your wife but that does not give you a licence to cheat at all. You should be figuring out what it is and talking to her about it.

I felt for you until you said you wanted 'seconds', seems to be you are also a selfish p***k to boot and stupid enough to want to throw away your marriage, wife and kids cause that is the way you are headed.

The first thing you need to do is become accountable. With no accountability seems like you are weak willed enough to really screw up. Go to church, speak with a Godly man, confess to your wife but make yourself accountable to someone so that you will keep on the straight and narrow


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

robtheshadow said:


> Thanks for the replies. Some are like a much needed punch in the gut. The rnd 2 comment was made because I'm still in denial that something happened. It doesn't seem real.
> 
> Is the consensus that the partner must always know? I don't know if I agree with that. When I got cheated on it destroyed my heart and my self esteem. I would have rather her just make something up about 'not working out' or 'its not you, its me' and leave.


I figure you were not married with two kids when you where cheated on, not quite the same I'm afraid!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

robtheshadow said:


> There's a lot of areas of my marriage that could be better, but I'm not going to try to shift blame to any of them.
> 
> It was an 'out of character' incident that I'm still trying to figure out. Maybe it was in my character this whole time, and I've just been good at repressing it? Hopefully I can get in to see a psychologist really soon to help me make sense of my self-sabotaging actions.
> 
> If my wife were cheating on me, yes I would want to know...if it was an ongoing affair. *A "one off" mistake....I don't think I want to know.*



Hmm... can't help but wonder what your response would've been prior to your indiscretion.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

robtheshadow said:


> I think that's one of my main concerns right now. I never thought I would do anything to begin with. How can I now say with any certainty that I would never do it again?
> 
> Not to derail my own thread, but how do you feel about having the ammunition to end your sister's marriage? Is that fair to have to carry that burden for the rest of your life?


It's not necessarily fair for her to carry the burden but that is what people do when they love someone, further she wasn't the guilty party. 
In this case YOU are the guilty party and it seems to me you are looking for excuses not to tell your wife and be accountable for your actions. For goodness sake grow a pair and man up! 

If you are serious about the vows you took you will tell her and then spend the rest of your life making it up to her. If not, don't waste her precious time, she is still young and can probably get a man who will treat her with the respect, honesty and love she deserves.
Don't get me wrong everyone makes mistakes and deserves second chances but from what you have written so far, you don't give a s*** about your marriage, your wife or kids, you only want to keep your options open (by not being accountable) and keep your actions in the dark. That is a huge red flag with regard to your intentions. Your family deserve more.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
First, before you go any further you must accept the real truth. You indicated the order of love as your kids first, your wife second and yourself last. This is incorrect. If you understood the true meaning of "love" you would easily realize that it involves sacrifice, sometimes very painful sacrifice, for the sake of those that are the object of one's love. Simply put, to act otherwise, putting yourself and your pleasure above those you claim to love displays, in great contrast, the exact opposite of love.

So we must first recognize that it is yourself you "love" (read put) first and all others fall somewhere down the line taking a backseat to your own desires. As cognitive beings we are in constant battle with our primal brain as we try to overcome instinct with intellect. You appear not yet sufficiently developed intellectually to be able to do so. In light of how your actions will likely destroy those you claim to "love", you were able to still interact with this OW. This indicates that either you never even gave those you claim to "love" a second thought or you simply ignored all reason and threw caution to the wind for your own gratification. You acted not with their best interest in mind but rather yours, at least for the brief instant that it lasted, compared to a lifetime together with your mate.

Perhaps you have not yet matured to the point of being able to "love" in its true form, which by the way, isn't expressed with words but rather is expressed continually with every act one commits.

So then the real question is not whether to tell your wife or not nor is it whether to go back for seconds or not. The real question is, when you gaze deep inside yourself, do you find your character acceptable and can you live with it. If the answer is yes then you should confess to your wife, request a D, be a part time dad to your kids and go live for yourself, enjoying all that life can offer. However, if you answer no then you should confess to your wife, turn full guns to bear on discovering and understanding what "love" truly is and how it is exemplified and start living your life as if you are not the most important thing in it. In other words, pull yourself up from this slime you are in and become a real mature man. I wish you every success.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

I'm not going to suggest that you tell her or don't tellher. I will suggest that if you want to keep your marriage intact to not go for "round 2".

Now...Just so you know...I am a "cheater" and my wife and I are in the midst of reconciliation and I am deeply involved in therapy, both IC and group for my "issues" (diagnosed w/ Histrionic Personality Disorder). Looking back to "D-Day" I'm almost certain that I wanted my wife to find out...Why else would I have left the facebook messages intact knowing full well that my wife had the password, right? I was having an EA with 2 women, not one. The 2nd woman started with me in a effort to "help" me extricate myself from the first woman only to have her begin telling me that I was everything she wanted in a man and we could have so much...if I wasn't married. It was a sordid mess as was I.

I knew I was in deep ****, and back in November I actually pleaded with my wife about our relationship (long story there as well). Anyway, now to get to the point about telling her...

When my wife read the messages, she called me and said "Who is Pam (OW #1) and who's Shaundy? (OW #2)"...

Without hesitation, I came clean with her. And you know what? It was "touch and go" for a few days there, but I almost felt relieved that she finally knew. Through therapy, I have been able to be more honest with her than I ever have been with anyone in my entire life, and it is paying off. She now knows EVERYTHING about my past (I have never had one single relationship where I was monogamous). I am now an open book to her and she knows that. Over time, this "brutal honesty" just might be the way to reestablishing the trust that I managed to so conveniently destroy between us.

So I say again...I'm not going to tell you whether you should tell her or not, but I thought I'd share my story with you about what "coming clean" can do...even if it cuts to the bone. If you do want to keep your marriage though...please don't have any further contact with this other woman. Good luck.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

1marriedlady said:


> I was attracted to a coworker and I never acted on it (years ago) and I told my hubby because I was confused. I will never forget the look on his face.
> 
> I wish I could go back and keep my mouth shut - I broke his heart. I didn't feel better and he was hurt. What did it accomplish? Nothing.


But I think attracted and what OP did are very different. He said he took things too far and was just shy of sleeping with this person. That's completely different from being just attracted to someone and NOT acting on it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OP you can fix yourself with the appropriate professional assistance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

robtheshadow said:


> Is the consensus that the partner must always know? I don't know if I agree with that. When I got cheated on it destroyed my heart and my self esteem. I would have rather her just make something up about 'not working out' or 'its not you, its me' and leave.


I think it depends on whether you can live with yourself (and your wife) for perhaps the next 40 or 50 years and have a secret like that. If you can, then that's your call.

I'm coming from the avenue that stuff like this tends to come out over time, and it would be FAR more devastating to your wife, and to you, if OW or somebody else informed your wife of what happened.

You see, you can trust the other woman all you want to not say anything to your wife. But all she has to do is tell one person (a friend? her sister? a mutual acquaintance?) and now you have 2 people you have to trust. Or 10, or 100, depending on how long the hill is that the snowball is rolling down.

And the whole thing is multiplied x 1000 if this woman is a co-worker, or somebody you can't cut out of your life 100%.

On another note, you really need to provide us more details here so we can better understand the situation. Who is this woman? How do you know her? How did this happen? WHAT happened? (kissing, oral sex, touching?). Right now we have little to go on with this, and providing accurate and relevant advice based on essentially "I did a bad thing, with another woman, but not THAT bad" is very blurry.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

robtheshadow said:


> I don't want to hurt my kids, or her, or the relationship.


You already have.



robtheshadow said:


> I felt like I was a spectator to the event.


Trust me, you were very much a PARTICIPANT in the event.



robtheshadow said:


> *The really insane part* of this is I feel like I should go back to the other woman for round 2 so that when it all comes out I can at least say I got some minuscule enjoyment out of it.


This is all the validation that you need to get yourself into counseling. You're not thinking clearly. You do not need Round 2. H*ll, you should have skipped Round 1.


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## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

It doesn't seem real because you're in denial, you don't believe that you are that kind of guy, the guy who cheated so you make a lot of excuses in the back of your mind, "It's out of character" 
"I don't know why i did it" Oh hell yes you do, 
> because you want the spark of something new
> because it feels good to have another woman attracted by you 
> because you think you won't get caught
> because you refused to control yourself
> because YOU WANTED IT and 
> YOU WANT IT AGAIN

How far did this go ? If it already went to hj or bj you cheated already. Go find another excitement, do paragliding or skydiving or something. Seems to me you're bored with your life and don't want to think about the consequences


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

I'm taking a different view on this.

I think you should use the experience as the warning sign it is.
Your sub-concious is trying to tell you something.
Some need in yourself isn't being met.

If it were me, I would see a counsellor and find out what it is that is lacking in your life. 

If it is something to do with your relationship (communication etc), you can use what happened positively to create a stronger relationship. You can tell your wife what happened, that you are ashamed of what you did, that you went to counselling to find out why you did what you did, and how you used the experience to motivate yourself to go t your wife in an attempt to try to improve your marriage. Chances are, if you aren't happy, she may not be either, and she might cut you some slack.

If the issue is with yourself, and you can fix it with counselling (lack of personal confidence for example), I probably wouldn't tell your wife. It isn't going to strengthen your relationship, only weaken it. Just get on with it and fix yourself.

And finally, if the issue with with yourself and it isn't something you are willing to work on or something you don't think you can fix, then I would tell your wife as she deserves the choice of whether she wishes to opt out.

Good Luck


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

robtheshadow said:


> I think that's one of my main concerns right now. I never thought I would do anything to begin with. How can I now say with any certainty that I would never do it again?


How do you know this woman? Is she someone you see often.. like maybe at work?

Do your wife know her?

This incident does not mean that you are someone who will now be some kind of cheat-addict. You have complete control over what you do and do not do going forward.

You need to protect your marriage by having nothing further to do with this woman. Avoid her like she's got ebola.

And work on yourself. Find out why you let yourself (chose) to do what you did. And then fix yourself.


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## woman (Aug 19, 2011)

What happened exactly?


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## Carlchurchill (Jan 23, 2013)

The other person is your sister/brother in law? If so, then that is like taking a dump in your own backyard. Your wife will find out eventually,...

"Not to derail my own thread, but how do you feel about having the ammunition to end your sister's marriage?"


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## woman (Aug 19, 2011)

I think he was talking to Second Time Rround:


> My brother-in-law hit on me twice while I was going through a divorce 5 years ago. After the second time I told him to knock it the hell off or I was telling my twin sister (his wife). He apologized and it never happened again. She would have been destroyed if she ever found out. I don't regret how we handled it. (I just, obviously, hope he's not doing that with someone else....I keep a close watch.....)


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

poida said:


> I'm taking a different view on this.
> 
> I think you should use the experience as the warning sign it is.
> Your sub-concious is trying to tell you something.
> ...


I don't disagree with this.

But I still think he's best to get out ahead of this before it comes back to bite him.

In marriage, it's nearly impossible to keep something secret forever. It just is. We all can probably attest to that in one way or another. Little white lies, big lies, huge secrets, things we "forget" to mention to our spouses because we don't want to upset them. They almost always trickle out over time. A slip of the tongue, a 3rd party, running in to somebody, whatever.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> You're not misinterpreting me......and I don't know the answer to your question. Maybe it is different, case by case??? I don't know....it's really a very tough call .


For me i just think the best way to go would be honesty. I just think she has a right to know, and to decide for herself if she should carry on with someone whose been unfaithful, and going behind her back.

Hes the one whose got to live with it if he does decide to keep it to himself.

Also, I really do not like the thing about him going back for seconds.... really annoys me.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

robtheshadow said:


> *I have "a cheaters heart". Can I be fixed?*


To get back at your initial question:
I do not believe you have a cheaters heart. That you are here means you are shocked by the situation and want to repair. Either by telling or by not telling.

In this case I would tell, because it is one time only if that is true.

If you are truly shocked and prepared to start a new life of truth and honesty, you can. I would say grab your chance since you now may be maximal motivated. That will be your fixing. Repair the other flaws in your dealing with relations.

You can do it.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

melw74 said:


> For me i just think the best way to go would be honesty. I just think she has a right to know, and to decide for herself if she should carry on with someone whose been unfaithful, and going behind her back.
> 
> Hes the one whose got to live with it if he does decide to keep it to himself.
> 
> Also, I really do not like the thing about him going back for seconds.... really annoys me.


Yeah, the comments about "how can I be sure I won't do it again" is a red flashing light to me.

I still don't think this comment points to the cause though.

Counselling, counselling counselling.


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## robtheshadow (Mar 31, 2015)

Just a small update. I was finally able to get an appointment to see a professional psychologist (I think) / psychiatrist. I always get them mixed up. Meeting is tomorrow so hopefully we can dig into this muddled mess of my mind. I've never been to one of these before, don't know what to expect.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

robtheshadow said:


> Just a small update. I was finally able to get an appointment to see a professional psychologist (I think) / psychiatrist. I always get them mixed up. Meeting is tomorrow so hopefully we can dig into this muddled mess of my mind. I've never been to one of these before, don't know what to expect.


How'd it go?


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## robtheshadow (Mar 31, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> How'd it go?


It was pretty good I guess. I've never seen a counselor before so I don't have a frame of reference. Mostly just a meet and greet, gave her some back-story to the incident and a history of myself. The hour flew by.

I have another appointment with her on thursday.

She recommended the book Mind over mood, so I've ordered that.

I'm looking forward to the next session.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

robtheshadow said:


> Recently had an unplanned/spur of the moment incident with another woman. Did not sleep with her, but things went way further than they should have.
> 
> My wife does not know about this. But I basically loaded a gun and gave it to this other woman and said "here, you now have the power to execute my marriage."


Did you explain in one of your posts exactly happened in this encounter with the OW? Some things might be more forgivable than others. I guess that would be important to know in offering advise on the matter. Each person has their own deal breakers so only you and your wife can figure this out if you are willing to be completely honest with her. If you won't talk to your wife about what happened, there is no way for her to work with you on the marriage.

I know i would be extremely upset with any degree of cheating but might be able to work it through with my H if he stopped it with a kiss or making out some. I see no difference in PIV and oral though and I think that would be a deal breaker for me especially if my H kept it hidden and did not come clean early on about it so that we could work through things before it really became too much (i.e., the second encounter that you are considering). 

Is this OW someone you can cut all contact with? Or do you have to interact at work or otherwise?


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## robtheshadow (Mar 31, 2015)

Had my second session end of last week. There's a lot of factors involved that I need to sort through. An interesting thing is that my P (I'll just call her that as I'm not sure if it's psychologist, psychiatrist, psychotherapist) is a strong proponent of the 'do no harm to others' philosophy. 

She advised against telling my wife as it would do no good to anyone to do so. It's not going to reduce my guilt, and since it's not an ongoing affair she is going to work on me to make sure there's no temptation to repeat. 

I had no idea about the 'dopamine' release. That would explain my initial post about the 'going back'. 

There's a lot of other issues in our marriage that I can work on with my wife to improve our lives. I'm feeling optimistic about the future. My P thinks that I've been depressed for a long time, but wants to do more evaluation before taking any action. Not a justification, just a contributing factor.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

robtheshadow said:


> Had my second session end of last week. There's a lot of factors involved that I need to sort through. An interesting thing is that my P (I'll just call her that as I'm not sure if it's psychologist, psychiatrist, psychotherapist) is a strong proponent of the 'do no harm to others' philosophy.
> 
> *She advised against telling my wife as it would do no good to anyone to do so. It's not going to reduce my guilt, and since it's not an ongoing affair she is going to work on me to make sure there's no temptation to repeat. *
> 
> ...


Not confessing your infidelity to your wife also ensures that you're not held to account for it, which only increases the odds that you'll cheat again at some point.

How convenient.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Your P sucks. She's just telling you what you want to hear so you'll continue to go to her and give her $$$$$$.

I feel so bad for your wife. I wish you had the courage to be truthful to her...like the courage you had when you hooked up with the OW.


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## Brigit (Apr 28, 2015)

robtheshadow said:


> My first time posting here, so this may ramble. A bit about me to start:
> 
> Been with wife for 8 years, married for 5 and have 2 beautiful children together.
> 
> ...


I think this is a brave post. I have cheated in the past and confessed everything to my husband recently. I thought going to MC would be a good idea but he thinks it's stupid so I'm trying to come to terms with my behavior myself. IDK if you have a cheaters heart. You have a heart and you have drives which you acted on. Unfortunately. The shame of cheating sucks and now you have decided your a "cheater?" No. Everyone is at risk of cheating but controlling this behavior is the major task. I've been flooding myself with marriage youtube videos to help change my behavior. It's a long road I guess.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

If somehow your wife finds out years later, it will be as damaging as if she found out now. Perhaps even moreso. She will have felt her marriage has been a gigantic lie. Take this into consideration.

Yes, you will be sparing her the pain of discovery.. for now, at least. What if she asks you directly one night.. out of the blue .. maybe after watching a TV show or consoling a friend who has been cheated on. "Rob, have you ever cheated on me?". Ask your Psych how he/she advises lying directly to the face of woman who trusts you more than anyone else on the planet. Your loyalty is to her. Are you protecting her, or are you protecting yourself? Doesn't she deserve to know?

That being said, no one should have to go through the pain of discovery. It is a life-altering trauma, and could even make her suicidal. In that sense, you are mitigating the risk to her physical and mental well-being. But you are also denying her of an authentic life, a life based on understanding the fundamental reality of what is true in her marriage. Or what she believes to be true.


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## Brigit (Apr 28, 2015)

robtheshadow said:


> Had my second session end of last week. There's a lot of factors involved that I need to sort through. An interesting thing is that my P (I'll just call her that as I'm not sure if it's psychologist, psychiatrist, psychotherapist) is a strong proponent of the 'do no harm to others' philosophy.
> 
> She advised against telling my wife as it would do no good to anyone to do so. It's not going to reduce my guilt, and since it's not an ongoing affair she is going to work on me to make sure there's no temptation to repeat.
> 
> ...


To tell or not to tell. IDK. If you think you can keep it to yourself and not repeat the behavior ever then that is good. I kept my secret for a long time. I never would have been found out but because it was my own little secret it made contacting the OM that much easier. Now that my husband knows and said he will divorce me if I contact the OM again I have consequences where before I didn't. I need this type of structure but maybe you don't.


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## tonygunner007 (Apr 24, 2015)

You need to tell her.


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## tonygunner007 (Apr 24, 2015)

yeah_right said:


> Your P sucks. She's just telling you what you want to hear so you'll continue to go to her and give her $$$$$$.
> 
> I feel so bad for your wife. I wish you had the courage to be truthful to her...like the courage you had when you hooked up with the OW.


I think what the psychologist means is that he should deal with himself first before dealing with his wife...


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