# I've Lost My Attraction to My Wife



## bubba29 (Feb 29, 2012)

I love my wife very much. She is a great friend and incredible mother. We have been married for 16 years and have generally been happy together. We both have been faithful and have always have been faithful. We are both 41. For about the last 9 years or so, I have become very health conscious. I eat right and exercise several times a week. My health and appearance has improved dramatically over the years. I am convinced I have found the fountain of youth.

Meanwhile, my wife has not jumped on this bandwagon. She had gotten along pretty well considering she doesn't eat real healthy or exercise at all. She never lost the baby fat from our 9 and 12 yo kids.  She could lose 15-20 pounds but she isn't what any would call fat. In the last few years she has had issues with her back, digestive tract, always being tired, and frequent UTIs. Understandably, things happen as you age. Thing is, she does nothing to attempt to improve her situation. This has frustrated me because these issues often hold us back from enjoying time together. She often asks for my advice which I give and she then doesn't do. I have been patient with it for years. 

I have always been very sexual and very attracted to my wife. I could never keep my hands off her. On the other hand, she has a low sex drive and rarely shows affection in any way. My advances are accepted probably about 1/3 tries. We had sex about 1-4/ week typically. Sometimes really good, other times just duty sex. Overall, we were enjoying ourselves although I would have preferred greater frequency.

A few months ago, we went on a family vacation. She had pretty nasty episodes with her back and a UTI during the trip. It really put a damper on everything. She was miserable (understandably). I tried to soldier on. I ended up getting really mad about her situation. Her health problems could very well be reversed through some preventative efforts on her part. She does nothing. She is quickly aging right in front of my eyes. I had always been attracted to her even if she didn't have the tight body of a 20yo. In that instant, she became an old woman to me. I feel age is a state of mind. I never viewed her as old. Her choosing to not beat back aging caused me to view her as an old woman and my attraction to her disappeared in almost an instant.

Now how do I come to terms with this? How do I accept that we are now going to become that old married couple with no spark and very little sex?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Is there another woman you're comparing her to?

Are her UTIs and back pain related? (I.e. does she have an underlying kidney infection?) I went through a period of time where I was struggling with urinary tract pain and it drove me insane. I can't imagine why she wouldn't try to address that problem!

Basically YOU are the one who changed (become more health conscious) but now you're starting to resent her because she hasn't. 

I'm in the "could lose 15 pounds" category and, let me tell you, when your partner decides that's fat and completely loses interest in you, it destroys you as a woman. Especially when he has eyes on someone who is a size 2.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Has she seen a doctor for her health issues? While diet may be contributing, digestive issues, back problems, UTI seem like something else. Beyond the back issues, and even then, would changing a diet and losing 20 pounds solve all these health problems?

PS- sex 1-4 times a week sounds heavenly, IMO. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

I don't have a solution for this, but I am on his side and can empathize.

For a man, his wife's appearance scores high and is a source of great pride. I am at an age where our appearances are changing more rapidly. I am lucky that way, my wife eats well, exercises, dresses well, and takes care of her appearance overall. I see a different story with most of my friends' wives and my wife's friends. Most of them are overweight and don't seem to care. Many eat poorly, don't exercise and lead immobile lives. The saddest part is that most of them don't even care. I don't know if any one of those people have health issues that cause this.

My wife keeps telling me how lucky I am that I have a wife who looks like her. I just say yes yes yes. I truly am.

So my brother, I feel for you, but all I can say is that you have to light a fire in her. Don't berate her effort or her appearance because she will rebel. Just make a joint plan to eat healthy, go for weekend walks/runs together and throw away all junk food and snacks from home. Join a gym and go together. Don't make this just her problem. Keep at it religiously for about 4 weeks and you will see some change. If she seems results, then her own motivation will kick in.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

nirvana said:


> I don't have a solution for this, but I am on his side and can empathize.
> 
> For a man, his wife's appearance scores high and is a source of great pride. I am at an age where our appearances are changing more rapidly. I am lucky that way, my wife eats well, exercises, dresses well, and takes care of her appearance overall. I see a different story with most of my friends' wives and my wife's friends. Most of them are overweight and don't seem to care. Many eat poorly, don't exercise and lead immobile lives. The saddest part is that most of them don't even care. I don't know if any one of those people have health issues that cause this.
> 
> ...


I definitely agree with this advice. Sometimes the hardest part for some people is just getting started, doing the shopping, joining a gym. If you would/could commit to doing the meal planning and grocery shopping, and tell her you really want her to join you at the gym, that would be huge! 

I really do not enjoy gyms and prefer walking all day on my treadmill desk and running outside when it's nice out, but my STBX would never want me at the gym with him anyway. It would take away from all of the other women ogling him too much. (And yes, he's bragged to me about how women constantly hit on him at the gym). I even suggested in counseling we go to the gym together and he was not at all interested. I would think/hope it would make her feel good to know you wanted to do that with her.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

I've always been the same but I can honestly say that I never really enjoyed working out that much...it was a chore that I had to do.

Until I got remarried to my now husband. He is 10 years older than me and is very fitness oriented.

Now its our lifestyle. When we get home from work, we exercise together (which often leads to showering together...lol). It required him to change some of his exercise schedule and we had to invest in some new equipment for our home gym but it was soooo worth it. We exercise and talk and I really love that time of day now.

I was a vegetarian when we met, which he converted to and now we're both vegans. So we both kind of helped each other out lifestyle-wise.

Sometimes, if its a rest day...we just take long walks after dinner...which is a great way to get started on a fitness plan.

Maybe she feels excluded from your fitness method? Is there a way you could change your exercise plan around to ease her into some fitness goals which would allow you to spend some time with her? Or could you maybe invest in a trainer or new equipment for her to get her more excited about fitness until she gets up to speed with where you are?

Obviously, you can't make her do anything if she's not going to do it but if you can do anything to get her moving in the right direction, it may fix a lot of problems. Being in the mood for romance is often very much connected with how healthy and sexy you feel.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I did let myself go in the past, and had bunch of medical issues. Nobody can make you to change things. She has to get to it by herself. Now it's my husband who gained weight and does nothing aobut it, just trying to keep it leveled now. There is nothing I can do about it. It is kind of new situation for us, because he was always the more fit one, now it is me.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> I did let myself go in the past, and had bunch of medical issues. Nobody can make you to change things. She has to get to it by herself. Now it's my husband who gained weight and does nothing aobut it, just trying to keep it leveled now. There is nothing I can do about it. It is kind of new situation for us, because he was always the more fit one, now it is me.


I agree but sometimes you can provide incentives.

I just got a brand new treadmill...its awesome. My old one was fine but now I run wayyy farther just cause its a cool piece of equipment.

Trainers can definitely help too. I've had some great trainers that have really encouraged me to try things outside of my comfort zone.

Its also possible that she feels excluded when he exercises. Sometimes people have very different exercise methods. So if he offers to do stuff with her and just spend time together, it might encourage her. 

Ultimately, there's no doubt she needs be in the right frame of mind to change things and no one can make her do anything but its a kind thing to do to see if there's something he can do to help incentivize her to modify her lifestyle. If it doesn't work, he can feel like he tried to help.


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## bubba29 (Feb 29, 2012)

just to be clear, my wife's appearance hasn't changed recently. she looks the same as she did a few months ago when i always lusted for her. how i view her has changed. i don't view her as a young, vivacious woman anymore. i feel she has given up on that. that change happened in my mind and now my lust for her has disappeared.

also, i was putting her through some workouts at home but her back flared up and we never got back into it. i cannot lead this horse to water anymore.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

So did your view of her change because someone younger and hotter came into view?


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

Have told her about how you're feeling and have you been honest with her about not liking the direction your relationship is going in?

It sounds like you're really questioning going into the future with her. She should probably know that.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

What do you personally do for exercise several times a week? Do you go to a gym?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> So did your view of her change because someone younger and hotter came into view?



I'm in the same general category, no younger and hotter thing came to view (what's with corporate HR these days, no summer interns scoring over a 7 in looks? Hello? Instead we get Golden Boy from U of M)...

My wife is 55 and an easy 9, probably more, compared to the over 45 crowd. Size 4, 125 lb, very sharp dresser, the works. Yet her attitude simply has turned me off completely. Physical appearance has nothing to do with it. 

See thru her appearance and find out if you still see back then. If not you have lots of thinking to do.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
People age. Exercise can help some for some problems but not all. Back pain may be from something that is made worse by exercise.

I'm lucky in that I stay healthy with minimal exercise and minimal medical care. My wife does pretty well, but has has more medical issues.

I wish neither of us would ever age, but that is simply not the case. I have graying hair, wrinkles, arthritis, and developed some food allergies. My stamina is not what it was 30 years ago. 

My wife had a partial mastectomy after cancer, has graying hair, wrinkles, skin allergies, and a bad knee. 

But when I look at her, I don't see an ageing woman, I see the beautiful 18 year old girl I met so long ago. I desire her every bit as much as I did then. Love really can make you blind in a wonderful way.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> People age. Exercise can help some for some problems but not all. Back pain may be from something that is made worse by exercise.
> 
> I'm lucky in that I stay healthy with minimal exercise and minimal medical care. My wife does pretty well, but has has more medical issues.
> ...


Awwwww, that is so sweet. Every woman deserves to hear that. <3

I have a friend who is 43.5, never married, never had kids, amazing thin, toned body. She has a terrible back and has for many, many years . You're right that exercise does not help everything.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> So did your view of her change because someone younger and hotter came into view?


I notice this hasn't been answered.

I can understand the desire for one's spouse to maintain themselves, this isn't only a guy's terrain. Women who keep themselves want a guy who does as well. My hb is 19 years older so it's imperative that he take care of his health, which he does.

But OP, I would ask you to consider that you may not be as youthful as you think you are. You've been taking care of yourself and you feel great, understandably, and I'm sure you're looking great, but a big mistake that men in particular tend to make is that they still have this image of themselves of the younger, strapping stud they once were. I think if you have a realistic view of yourself you won't be so critical of your wife. Your wife doesn't have the body of a 20 year old but I can guarantee that you don't either. FYI, I'm also 41 and a distance runner in very good shape but I'm under no illusion that I have a 20 year old body. I have a great body for sure but it's a 41 year old body that's nurtured 2 great kids.

I would agree that self care is in order here though so why don't you sit with her when everything is calm and tell her that you've noticed she's not feeling well with all of her issues and you were wondering if taking a little better care of her health would help?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> People age. Exercise can help some for some problems but not all. Back pain may be from something that is made worse by exercise.
> 
> I'm lucky in that I stay healthy with minimal exercise and minimal medical care. My wife does pretty well, but has has more medical issues.
> ...



I understand. My husband is turning 60 soon (I'm 41) and while sometimes when I look at him objectively I can see that he's getting older I don't generally notice it. I still see the guy I met 10 years ago.


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## bubba29 (Feb 29, 2012)

bubba29 said:


> just to be clear, my wife's appearance hasn't changed recently. she looks the same as she did a few months ago when i always lusted for her. how i view her has changed. i don't view her as a young, vivacious woman anymore. i feel she has given up on that. that change happened in my mind and now my lust for her has disappeared.
> 
> also, i was putting her through some workouts at home but her back flared up and we never got back into it. i cannot lead this horse to water anymore.


I hope all posters have read this follow up to my OP. I am not so concerned about her appearance. It's the lack of effort to maintain her own personal health that bothers me. I take that very seriously and feel many things can be prevented/reversed by treating the body the way it needs to be treated.

I have become resigned to that fact that I am married to an old woman who is only 41 years old. I fear what the next 10-20 years will bring without lifestyle changes. I always felt she had hit rock bottom and would turn things around. Her health issues hold her back from being the woman I fell in love with and she doesn't seem to care enough about herself to do anything about it.

Some may have insinuated a younger woman catching my eye. Of course they do, I am a man with raging hormones. Of course, there is no one I am pursuing or even have any type of relationship with. I also don't expect her to regain the appearance of a 20 yo.

Others have asked whether I have talked to her about this. No, I haven't. I am trying to figure out how/when to approach her. This is a hard thing to articulate. For example, I have had a hard time on here while choosing my words to say that it's not her appearance, it's her lack of effort to improve her health for her own good, for her kids, and also for her husband. If she thinks she will get better by doing what she currently is doing (NOTHING!) she is sorely mistaken. Problems will pile on problems.

Others ask what I do for fitness and how I look. I train at gyms and participate in weightlifting competitions. I have also done 2 paid modeling shoots in the last few years. I am strong, healthy, and look good enough that people pay to take pictures of me. I am not obsessive about training and diet but I do know if I get too far off track on either my body doesn't react well. I do this to be able to be an active husband, father, son, employee, friend, and brother for a long time from now. I know this is the secret to an active life going well into retirement. I want to be capable of enjoying those years.

Again, this attraction change is not appearance based.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Who is the woman? Met her at the gym? Running? Biking? 

There really isn't much you can do if you no longer find your wife sexually attractive. She has had the misfortune of gaining weight while having your two children, having a bad back and UTI. I believe the latter two are beyond her control. You feel you deserve better than a sick wife with 20 lbs of extra weight. Would you agree that her most serious misfortune is that she is still married to you? 

Are you looking for a way to unload your wife and kids without feeling like a selfish, disloyal and entitled man? That depends on how well you are at rationalizing. You sound pretty good to me. Keep going you will figure out a way to get what you feel you deserve. What you actually get may be exactly what you deserve. Careful with the exercising, it's hard on the joints. As you age, you will realize it. When your hips and knees start going, you may grow some understanding of how little control you have over aging. The fountain of youth that has caught your fantasy will be as entitied as you are now. Then where will you be? 

Enjoy what you have. But put yourself in your children's and wife's shoes and consider carefully.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I read everything before I decided to post. I don't think it's a matter of your becoming interested in maintaining yourself physically, while your wife is letting herself go physically and health-wise.

Could it be that you two have simply chosen different paths to take in life? For example, what if you became a dedicated scuba diver who loves to photograph underwater life. Your wife? She doesn't even want to dip her toe into a pool.

JMO, but it seems you have found your passion. She doesn't share it, nor does she have any inclination to do so.

Maybe that's all it boils down to.


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## bubba29 (Feb 29, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Who is the woman? Met her at the gym? Running? Biking?
> 
> There really isn't much you can do if you no longer find your wife sexually attractive. She has had the misfortune of gaining weight while having your two children, having a bad back and UTI. I believe the latter two are beyond her control. You feel you deserve better than a sick wife with 20 lbs of extra weight. Would you agree that her most serious misfortune is that she is still married to you?
> 
> ...


i appreciate you taking the time to respond. i hope you also take the time to read my other posts in the thread. first, i am not looking to leave this marriage. i think i am trying to just figure out how to deal with this change in my relationship with her. i know there are plenty of couples who weren't nearly as affectionate as we were, they didn't leave each other. i just need to learn to adjust to the lack of lust i have for her. i will end up becoming a less sexual person which others do just fine with so i guess i could acclimate. 

in regard to health, i have a different perspective than many. i believe a lot is in our control. i have studied epigenetics for years and strongly believe in it. it is basically the study of how environment and external factors can effect changes in the body. you have helped me realize just now that my wife may not think she is in control of her health. it is her destiny and nothing is going to change it. i guess i have to come to terms with this train of thought also.


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## bubba29 (Feb 29, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> I read everything before I decided to post. I don't think it's a matter of your becoming interested in maintaining yourself physically, while your wife is letting herself go physically and health-wise.
> 
> Could it be that you two have simply chosen different paths to take in life? For example, what if you became a dedicated scuba diver who loves to photograph underwater life. Your wife? She doesn't even want to dip her toe into a pool.
> 
> ...


there probably is a whole lotta truth to that. my concern is that her health, at 41, holds her back from a lot of fun between us and between her and her kids. i fear what the future holds for her.

funny thing is her sister and our brother in law have both had serious health issues and she talks to me about them much in the same way i am talking about her on here. she is very hypocritical in that sense. but because her issues are minor by comparison, she doesn't see the similarity.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

If you want to work on this I think you start with her physical issues. Having been an athlete all my life I can relate to the psych of pain and injury. Somehow, someway her physical issues need to be addressed. She won't be working from a happy place until her body issues are at lease diagnosed. From there her path to improve fitness might be much different than the path you've taken. You have to be supportive and loving in any case. 
It's also possible that she just isn't interested. She's OK on some level with being old at 41. We all know people who got married and now they never go out and seem very happy to rot on the couch. I was in a relationship once with a very attractive and shapely women who started asking me "will you still love me when I'm fat...?" What?!?! "well I'm not going to look like this forever... look at my sister." Well you look great. Why would you let yourself go intentionally? Silence..... Being fit and attractive was fine as long as it was easy. When it became work and required lifestyle changes she wasn't interested. I was expected to go down with the ship just because. No thanks. When this attitude showed up she still looked great but I knew we were on very different paths. I hope she addresses her health issues and finds some motivation for herself and for your marriage.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

bubba29 said:


> i appreciate you taking the time to respond. i hope you also take the time to read my other posts in the thread. first, i am not looking to leave this marriage. i think i am trying to just figure out how to deal with this change in my relationship with her. i know there are plenty of couples who weren't nearly as affectionate as we were, they didn't leave each other. i just need to learn to adjust to the lack of lust i have for her. i will end up becoming a less sexual person which others do just fine with so i guess i could acclimate.
> 
> in regard to health, i have a different perspective than many. i believe a lot is in our control. i have studied epigenetics for years and strongly believe in it. it is basically the study of how environment and external factors can effect changes in the body. you have helped me realize just now that my wife may not think she is in control of her health. it is her destiny and nothing is going to change it. i guess i have to come to terms with this train of thought also.


It is true that detrimental changes on a cellular level appear to be ameliorated by habits. The mistake many make is assume that they know the scope of the influences and mechanisms, and can control them. They become believers not seekers. The accumulation of markers of cellular damage over time is not fully understood since the data arrises largely from association studies. Some rats and mice have been sacrificed in more rigorous studies. 

There are things you have no control over and they are major. Environmental insults, dietary additives, sun, inflammation, clinical and subclinical infection and resident bacterial flora and many many others. Every scientific revelation of mutable aging factors makes us humans forget about the overwhelming immutable ones in our quest for eternal youth. 

Based on very little information, you have come to believe that your wife has the ability to control her destiny and you are sure that you know how she can do it and you know that the outcome will be. But you have not asked why she should do it. The outcome is centered on you- you think that you found a way to fashion a woman who is sexually attractive for you. Will it cure her bad back, and UTI? Will her losing weight make sex with you more exciting and orgasmic? 

How about if she met a new man and they had a strong sexual attraction. I bet she would exercise, lose weight, do yoga and meditation to cure her bad back and use probiotics to take care of the UTI problem. If he loved and cared about her and he was a good lover, she'd be in epigenetic heaven.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

bubba29 said:


> there probably is a whole lotta truth to that. my concern is that her health, at 41, holds her back from a lot of fun between us and between her and her kids. i fear what the future holds for her.
> 
> funny thing is her sister and our brother in law have both had serious health issues and she talks to me about them much in the same way i am talking about her on here. she is very hypocritical in that sense. *but because her issues are minor by comparison, *she doesn't see the similarity.


This doesn't sound like a woman who has hit rock bottom as you previously stated. I think you're being a bit dramatic about her health issues.

Regarding working out, have you ever invited her to go to the gym with you when you work out? Lift weights? 

The only way she's going to deal with her gastro, back, and UTI issues is to go to the doctors herself. But, instead of telling us all about how you feel, you need to sit down with her and tell her how important it is that she do this. Tell her you'd really like her to make sure your wife is healthy because you love her and worry about her. If she protests tell her how important it is to YOU.


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## bubba29 (Feb 29, 2012)

this whole thread has been very helpful. i have to realize my wife may not want for herself what i want for myself. i have to look at things from a different view in order to make the best of things. my priorities are not hers although she does play along and make it seem like they are. she just talks a good game to appease me and i have to become OK with that.


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## bubba29 (Feb 29, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> It is true that detrimental changes on a cellular level appear to be ameliorated by habits. The mistake many make is assume that they know the scope of the influences and mechanisms, and can control them. They become believers not seekers. The accumulation of markers of cellular damage over time is not fully understood since the data arrises largely from association studies. Some rats and mice have been sacrificed in more rigorous studies.
> 
> There are things you have no control over and they are major. Environmental insults, dietary additives, sun, inflammation, clinical and subclinical infection and resident bacterial flora and many many others. Every scientific revelation of mutable aging factors makes us humans forget about the overwhelming immutable ones in our quest for eternal youth.
> 
> ...


ahhh, you seem as well read on that subject as i. we could take this whole thread off into a completely different tangent for a completely different message board. that is not what this board is for though and i hope you agree.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

bubba29 said:


> just to be clear, my wife's appearance hasn't changed recently. she looks the same as she did a few months ago when i always lusted for her. how i view her has changed. i don't view her as a young, vivacious woman anymore. i feel she has given up on that. that change happened in my mind and now my lust for her has disappeared.
> 
> also, i was putting her through some workouts at home but her back flared up and we never got back into it. i cannot lead this horse to water anymore.


I've got arthritis in my lumbar and cervical spine. For the past 7 days I've gotten out of bed only for short periods of time. This has been an ongoing issue for the past year, but it started when I was 42. 

I also have recurring UTI's. As women go through peri menopause UTI's become more frequent due to the hormonal changes. Something about the lack of vaginal lubrication leaves the urethra drier than it should be which makes it more prone to infection.

So yes, aging sucks! 

Sometimes we get lucky and we can avoid the symtptoms with diet and exercise and sometimes even with diet and exercise aging happens. I work out a hell of a lot more than my husband and take care of my appearance and yet my body still fvck said me over! I am a lifer with physical therapy. My spine is simply fvcked and the best I can hope for is pain reduction.

I think you have lost attraction to your wife because you are afraid of aging in general. You see your wife as an example of signs of agin that are beyond our control. You think you've got this aging thing down and out because you've been blessed with healthy joints and being a man you don't have to deal with perimenopause and menopause. Your wife, by your own words, is the same woman she was a few months ago, and yet aging has happened and the steps you've taken to counter aging haven't been successful for her...which means one day you might also face joint problems.

I think you also view yourself as a strong man who deserves an equally strong woman. I think your wives health problems clearly mark her as not strong. I think you think you deserve better.

I think your lack of compassion for your wife is appalling!

I think you should be ashamed of yourself for your level of superficiality and ego driven comparisons.

Do you think your wife enjoys these UTI's? Do you think she can do anything about them by eating better and exercising more? Because if so you are disgracefully misinformed!

You don't say what her specific back problems are but lemme tell you Buster, they are no fvcking fun! There are so many activities I used to enjoy that I simply can't do anymore. Hell I can't even be comfortable in the movie theater because sitting in a regular chair hurts my back! I LOVE mowing the lawn and gardening and I'm watching my beautiful garden fall to ruin because I can't get out there and tend to it! I am frustrated as hell as sick and fvcking tired of this pain and the subsequent limitations!

I need to get off this thread before I deliver the level of insulting characterization so you so richly deserve!


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## bubba29 (Feb 29, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> I've got arthritis in my lumbar and cervical spine. For the past 7 days I've gotten out of bed only for short periods of time. This has been an ongoing issue for the past year, but it started when I was 42.
> 
> I also have recurring UTI's. As women go through peri menopause UTI's become more frequent due to the hormonal changes. Something about the lack of vaginal lubrication leaves the urethra drier than it should be which makes it more prone to infection.
> 
> ...


i appreciate your input. i do not know your situation or your complete background. i do know that smokers (and former smokers) are more likely to develop chronic back pain. thank god my wife was never a smoker. unfortunately, i am afraid my wife is going down a path that leads to where you are. i AM afraid for this. i know there are many people in your situation but yet i also know there are many people who aren't in your situation. also, to be clear, my wife has done NOTHING to try to reverse her problems. that is what frustrates me, the lack of trying. but that is not what she wants for herself. i cannot make her want it or do it. i have started coming to terms with this. 

i just want to enjoy the rest of our lives together. i feel strongly that doing NOTHING will not help most people stave off the symptoms of aging. i know time eventually catches up with all of us, i just think that we can beat it back and enjoy a higher quality of life in our latter half with some good choices and some effort.


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## tonedef (Aug 7, 2014)

Bubba- I could be way off, but unless your wife is very overweight, I do not see how diet and exercise will help back pain and UTI's. There are yoga positions for back pain but anything to strenuous can exacerbate it. I am 33 and was discharged from the military because I have arthritis in my lower spine. My back goes out without any notice. I do eat relatively healthy and I am always on my feet, but sometimes it just gets the best of me. I feel you have sorta reinvented yourself, moving along at a new and exciting pace, and your wife isn't. If she didnt have health issues, and still didnt exercise or change habits, would you still have lost attraction? Did you lose attraction at the health issues, like she is holding you back? Or the fact she is not joining this passion with you and you are losing the connection? I am just finding it hard to believe it is the lack of intervention with health issues because some things are beyond our control.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tonedef (Aug 7, 2014)

And to touch more on the subject, I think Anon Pink is spot on. I think you see your wife of what you fear, which is aging and being and feeling old. But I think you mentioned she is 41 which is not old! I think you think if she doesnt take better care of herself, she will be this old, couch ridden lady rubbing icy hot on her joints while you're ready to take on the world- and I do get that. Ask her to go on walks, prepare healthy meals, but remember some things she may not be able to fix. That is not her fault. Some things you might have to accept, and you would if you are still in love. Not just love, but in love. Are you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bubba29 (Feb 29, 2012)

tonedef said:


> And to touch more on the subject, I think Anon Pink is spot on. I think you see your wife of what you fear, which is aging and being and feeling old. But I think you mentioned she is 41 which is not old! I think you think if she doesnt take better care of herself, she will be this old, couch ridden lady rubbing icy hot on her joints while you're ready to take on the world- and I do get that. Ask her to go on walks, prepare healthy meals, but remember some things she may not be able to fix. That is not her fault. Some things you might have to accept, and you would if you are still in love. Not just love, but in love. Are you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


you never know till you try but she hasn't tried. i say do not underestimate the power of positive thinking, good habits, and consistency.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You might consider too that this is a timing issue. You've gotten yourself in good shape but presumably you weren't always. You did it when you were ready. 

Your wife may not be ready yet. And I'd be careful about diagnosing how much she can help with things like a bad back and uti's. Taking care of oneself is always a good idea but you're not a doctor and don't really know that these uti's would go away if she went to the gym.

Seems to me like you may be doing a bit of projecting..... you're worried about getting older and you project that onto your wife. But if you suddenly throw your back out will you be ok with your wife diagnosing all the lifestyle choices you make that caused it so now she's not attracted to you? 

I also sense a little bit of a superiority complex here, where you're now better then your wife and deserve better. I'm all for getting her to the gym with you but be careful, life has a way of throwing curveball and you could be the recipient one day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Bubba,

Good for you and your efforts to embrace a healthy lifestyle. I'm sure it will pay benefits for you for many years moving forward.

That said, you say you think you have found the "fountain of youth." Dude, you're fooling yourself. Even with the best intentions, no one can outrun Father Time forever.

Much of it comes down to genetics. My wife's family has several centarians, and she looks great at 55. I work out much more than she does, we eat similar diets and I'm five years younger than her. But she clearly looks younger than me. 

Your posts are striking me as quite judgmental. Also think that you might be taking credit for a "youthful glow" that could be attributed as much to your genes as they are to your lifestyle. You're trying to cover yourself in the "I just want her to adopt a healthier lifestyle mantra." From a distance, it's sounding like the first step in establishing the rationale for you to trade her in for a younger model and not have to feel bad about it. It's not your fault, after all. It's hers for not working harder at it.

At the end of the day, I'm just a dude on the internet & I could have this completely wrong. But I smell a distinct odor of "approval-seeking" - the hunt for outside validation on why you should be justified in making a change. I don't really care what in the heck you do. It's your life. But you need to ask yourself some tough questions about what your priorities are and what you really want out of life. I suspect you think you "can do better" and are considering your alternatives. 

All of this is OK. We all shift our mindset over time. Just remember, to take ownership of how / why you're making a change. In this regard, your original post does not pass the smell test and could be construed by some as not 100% pure-grade straight shooting. It doesn't matter if you lie to us, just don't lie to yourself.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

bubba29 said:


> this whole thread has been very helpful. i have to realize my wife may not want for herself what i want for myself. i have to look at things from a different view in order to make the best of things. my priorities are not hers although she does play along and make it seem like they are.  she just talks a good game to appease me and i have to become OK with that.


You are too sure that you know exactly how to stave off the inevitable - aging and illness, hopelessness and resignation. I don't think you know nor do you understand what's happening in your life. 

Why not step back and do more reading. What do you know of midlife crisis? How do you get through aging with a positive attitude and happiness? 

There are ways to completely change your life and goals so that you look forward to the future again. It can be with or without your wife. It can never be without your children as your primary concern. You cannot lay your crisis at the feet of your wife. That is unfair and a poor way to treat her. 

Take your time, maybe give it a year to study and consider. In the meantime, be kind, compassionate and loving towards your wife. put your children first, they are innocent. Remember, its not her fault that you fear aging. Carefully consider your value system. Don't undervalue the old things in your life. They may actually be the source of the renewed vitality.


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## bubba29 (Feb 29, 2012)

thank you all for this feedback. all of it is unique in its own way but also useful.


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## bubba29 (Feb 29, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> *You are too sure that you know exactly how to stave off the inevitable - aging and illness, hopelessness and resignation. I don't think you know nor do you understand what's happening in your life.*
> 
> Why not step back and do more reading. What do you know of midlife crisis? How do you get through aging with a positive attitude and happiness?
> 
> ...


no one knows any of the answers for certain. if we want to find the answers, all we can do is continue to educate ourselves, experiment, and go with what works till it stops working.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I'm coming in late and don't have time to read the whole thread. So a few observations...

1. Whenever I read a thread about "how I'm friggin' perfect and my spouse is all wrong blah blah blah" I get suspicious. I'd love to know her side of things. I strongly suspect the issues lie in between a "I'm 100% right and she is 100% wrong" POV.

2. Love is more than demanding a perfect spouse. You need to step in her shoes and see what makes her unwilling to work out as you do and then help motivate her. Maybe you rub it in her face- I mean, you seem like that type of person.

3. I see this as an "us" problem and not a "her" problem. Once you accept that I think you will find better answers.

4. Lastly, there's a reason you fell in love with her and those reasons still exist. Go and find them.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Speaking as a friggin' Dr. Perfect, I would be glad to get some of the blame if my insignificant other, friggin' Dr. Not Perfect would own up to her own plethora of excrement. 

It's not really the degree of perfection that is at the crux of the issue, but the degree of willingness to improve.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Bubba, what has her doctor said about these various health issues?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Do you think your wife enjoys these UTI's? *Do you think she can do anything about them by eating better and exercising more? Because if so you are disgracefully misinformed!*


:iagree:


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

bubba

i date a girl once whose father sounded just like you. he was the most judgmental self righteous jerk.

he looked down on everyone for not eating as healthy of a life style as he did. he worked out routinely and begrudged those around him who didn't take health as serious as he did. he always looked sharp and wore trendy clothes. he would have a conniption if he even walked past an ashtray and would have reigned down fire if anyone around him smoked. 

well in his circle of family and friends......he was the first one to go, cancer got him in his 60's.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Okay Bubba, I'm calmer now and I've put away the streamers for my pity party...

You're going to have to talk to your wife but it's got to be about future plans and goals. You haven't really mentioned any specific activity that she doesn't participate in as a result of her health issues. Mentioning those specific activities to her is how you approach this.

"The kids and I want you to come with us when we go for a hike, you have to get yourself healthy again so we can join us again."

"Remember how we talked about one day skiing in the Alps? Let's start planning for that to happen in the next year or two. Let's get ourselves ready to start doing those things we talked about doing once the kids got older."

"I'd really like for us to go dancing and join in these dance classes on Saturday mornings. I think if you did some daily stretching you back might ease up and we can do these fun things together."

That's how you approach this with your wife. You're talking about doing things that bring vitality back to BOTH of your lives. I don't think your expressing yourself too well in this thread and you're coming off as Mr. Perfect while your wife is Mrs Dowdy Donothing, and I don't think that's quite fair to her or to you. 

I think that if you and your wife started engaging in fun activities together, even with her health problems, you will likely start to feel that attraction come back. 

If your sex life is suffering as a result of her health problems, and I bet it is, if you can get her engaged in activities she will probably gain some of her sex drive back, unless she's having a UTI, or digestive issue that day, but I can attest that excellent sex can be had even with back pain!


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I can certainly understand the frustration of seeing your partner get sicker and sicker and make no effort to do anything about it. DH and I were both hit by cars at a point in our past, we've had subsequent issues. We have both had to look into alternative methods to deal with the damage. For example, I know that if I don't work on my core strength, my back will get a lot worse.

As for UTI, I know that if I eat/drink a lot of sugar, I'm asking for trouble. 

I'm a big believer of taking control of your life rather than sitting back and being a victim to it. Sometimes it's incredibly hard to follow through, but every bit of effort counts.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Bubba, please share the active steps you've taken to encourage your wife to improve her health/life. Besides "putting her on a workout routine" inside your house. Have you even shared these concerns with her???


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

Let me bring up slightly different possible issue. Years ago I lived near our Olympics training school. I was good enough to keep up on a training ride. I had a workmate on the marathon runners support team. I never ran with him. I heard enough about their routines to know my knees and ankles wouldn't stand it. So then I read...


bubba29 said:


> also, i was putting her through some workouts at home but her back flared up and we never got back into it. i cannot lead this horse to water anymore.


Let me suggest maybe your workout is the reason her back flared up. Maybe she is staying away from your exercises because of justified fears. To please you, she went beyond what she should have, and now she is in pain. If so, you owe your wife an apology. 
And after the apology suggest she sees doctors, physios, whatever to help with her problems. And you take her, often back pain makes a trip to the doctor painful. They can suggest when she can start appropriate mild exercise. But this time you will follow their advice, will have read up on her condition and what are more appropriate exercises for her. 
Or get her someone else to train with her. 
Or perhaps get your kids involved in family exercise. Kids often start tentative, which I guess your W will too. But do it as a family affair, not as a chance for you to show off. Do not leave any exercise machine set to your weight/setting, change it to hers.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

And I'll fill my ideas out with two pieces of good news for you. My key sentence was "To please you, she went beyond what she should have, and now she is in pain."

Firstly, she demonstrated her love for you by the workout, to please you. Next time you think you have lost your attraction for her, remember she showed love and sacrifice for you, show the same back.

Secondly, given she did this for you before, and you said she hasn't changed, then she will do so again. But first you have to get rid of any danger of pain or injury for her. So take her to doctors to find out what is wrong with her back and what should be done. Put the same effort that you have applied to your own health and studying epigenetics towards her health and your children. And change your attitude and presentation so it is all about what is good for her. In her current condition she cannot do the same workout as you, but can make small improvements. Study what improvements are best for her. 
For example, I have a routine of making morning juice on the weekends. My wife doesn't like me to be in the kitchen, or to set the family meals, but this is an exception. Perhaps you can do similar. Then we might all go for a walk. Again perhaps this is the best exercise for her. 

You are in an ideal position to solve this. She is willing to follow your lead. You know the destination, if not the steps to get there. And you can probably use your children to make it a family thing. This is somewhat 'dirty' fighting, so make sure your attitude is positive, gentle and supportive. My example again, I sometimes promise my daughter gelati after the walk, that gets her walking.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

EnigmaGirl said:


> I agree but sometimes you can provide incentives.
> 
> I just got a brand new treadmill...its awesome. My old one was fine but now I run wayyy farther just cause its a cool piece of equipment.
> 
> ...


these things are all great, once someone shows interest in them. You can not make them to go and work out wiht trainer, or get on treadmil, until they decide they want to do it.


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