# Issues with In Laws



## besweet2lissy

Hi there... where do I begin...? I'm new to the forum world. But I will try anything in order to make my marriage work and live a happy life. So here goes. I will try to give you the short version and I pray that someone understands me and/or what it is that I am doing wrong.

My husband and I dated for 3 1/2 years before getting married. I have a daughter who is 9 yrs old and she loves him to death. We moved in together back in August. We were not yet married at that time but we were engaged and was pregnant (which I later miscarried).This was devastating for us both and put me under a lot of stress physically and emotionally. I had always known that my husband was a mama's boy... I just had no idea the severity. Somehow the Dr. forgot to cut the umbilical cord!!! He is 32 yrs old and his mother handles all of his bills. His bills go to her mailing address and emails go to her email address. She has a key to his house and a debit card to his bank account. Now... I do understand the key thing... in case of emergencies and he WAS single at the time. So, that was fine with me. The bank account access and the handeling of bills I have to say that at his age... I found that to be a little bit strange. Either way, I figured that the only reason things were this way was because he had been single and just needed a little help so naturally his mother would be there to help.

We had our first BIG fight in August when I moved in. He called me up one day and tells me that his mother is on her way over to pick up our computer. Apparently, her computer had crashed and this was an "emergency" because if she did not pay her bills THAT DAY, then her credit card interest rates would go up and she would be charged late fees. I was in a different state of mind... I had just recently moved in. I left a job which I was making almost $60k annually and on THAT DAY I was going to an interview (as I had been doing all week long). The apartment was a wreck. I did not have time to clean. I had laundry everywhere. I did not want his mother to see the place in such a wreck and I did not have the spare time to clean it before she showed up. My mind was in a million places. I asked if he could le6t her know that THAT DAY was not a good time for her to come over... that is where it all began... and it hasn't stopped ever since. I thought he respected my wishes and let her know that we would make other arrangements for her. At least that is what HE told me. Then later it slipped out of his mother's mouth that she had come over after all. So he had lied to me! This has made me second guess everything I ask him that pertains to his family. I asked for him to get the key back since one day his mother came over unannounced and we were sleeping naked in bed. I would ask him if we had enough money to do this or pay that and his response would be "I don't know, let me call my mom and ask her." I mean... is it just me or is that not the norm? I finally asked him to take his parents off of his bank account (which is now our joint bank account) since we are taking a financial class which encourages married couples to have a joint account. I am always looking for ways to better myself as a person, as a mother, and now as a wife. I let him know that I've been paying my own bills for 10 years now and I have done just fine. My parents are not nor have they ever been on my bank account. He trusts her more than he trusts me with our finances. It makes me wonder why on earth did he marry me?!! I am so hurt by his actions. I have tried explaining to him what the bible says about getting married and leaving your parents. I was raised with this belief. I'm not saying he should abandon his family but for God's sake cut the cord. My mother is never medling in any way. His mother has been rude and disrespectful to me in the past. Never once have I been rude or disrespectful towards her. I am a family oriented person. I love my family AND his. But I don't think that it is right for me to be placed underneath his mother or his brothers. He always says that I don't care about the things he loves. He says that all of my requests are because of struggle for power. He says I want him to do these things to PROVE that he loves me more than his mother. It's not true. I just want to have a normal and healthy marriage. And in my opinion a normal and healthy marriage is between TWO people... HUSBAND & WIFE... not husband, wife & in laws. Am I totally confused and out of touch with reality or what is right??? :scratchhead: Please help.


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## justean

my hubby left home when he was 27 and had similar things like you. ok hubby 40 soon , but after 13 years, somethings you have to learn to accept . like you i was good and patient during courting and took alot of his mothers attitude. when our first child was due, she was fine - i never had probs with his dad. when our second child was concieved , on telling her " she calmly announced, well justean , could lose the baby". thankfully i never, but my son is now 8 and i wil never forgive her for that. shes calculated at times.
were better now. but you just have to show that although your hubby accept her, you wont. 
im ok with my mum in law, but i cant be around for long. 
so your not alone in the in-law issue.
my mum in law has a key to our home, but its only used when need be, not otherwise. say bringing home our children etc. not coming in when she feels like it.
so i think you have to put the rules down with her and hubby, have them together in the same room.
ive done this. if things have gone to far.
your not out of touch with n e thing. its your ma in law that doesnt have boundaries or respect for you as a family.
as for your hubby - he needs to come to an even ground of terms with you. you have a right to privacy in yur own home.


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## draconis

In-laws will always be an isue for some people but it has to be give and take. It can't always be your way nor can it always be his. As far as the fact that you need to work together as partners I agree. Keep in mind that he has known and been helped by her for far longer then he has known you. Additionally courtship should be a time to feel out a relationship and know what you are getting into. There are certian things I accept about my wife that otherwise would drive me nuts. That said it doesn't mean that he is in the wrong. The computer thing bothers me, what if it was important for you to have had it and he made a commitment without talking to you first. Why couldn't she use a library computer, or just stop by and use yours once?

draconis


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## besweet2lissy

This is exactly what I said to him. His brothers live 2 or 3 streets away from his mother. They have a computer... why couldn't she have gotten the computer from them??? He says that I just dont care about what is important to him. I do care about his family. I have NO PROBLEM helping them. I do have a problem when I feel as though my feelings are not #1 to my husband. I wasn't being mean or hateful towards his mother because I didn't want her to come over. I simply did not want her to see the mess for which I had not found time to deal with. I didn't want to be embarrassed and have her think that I was not going to take care of her son. I tried explaining this to him (in the heat of the argument AND afterwards) but he doesn't seem to get it. Whenever the 'next disagreement' takes place he always brings up the time when his mother was having an "emergency" and I was too selfish and controlling to understand. 

There have been several arguments which are very similar (involving his family). At this time we are doing well. No arguments at all lately. But since he has not yet aknowledged that it is wrong for him to put his family's needs and/or wants before mine, it only leads me to believe that this problem is not over and that maybe we should go to counseling. I don't think he wants to give in to me. However, he may begin to understand if a licensed and exerienced professional tells him. We'll see...


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## Alicia

Men don't see things the same way as we do - sometimes you have to sketch it out for them. Took me a long time until my husband understood that I did not want him, his brother and friends to socialize in our bedroom while I was at work - I had to be graphic and tell him that I want the freedom of leaving my underwear wherever I feel like in my house and not having it seen by in-laws or friends. I am a clean person but don’t want to be judged by the moment of "weakness". Yes, I might be insecure, but I do care what people think about me. So, yes, I understand your point and I think that you should explain this to your husband as "I have a need to be liked by your family, so that is why I asked you a favor of not having them over while the house is a mess". He does not feel ashamed in front of his mother so he does not see how you can. Regarding all other "strings attached" you will probably have to be very patient and foxy and try to work it around, plant the seed in his head of "what he wants" and wait for the idea to grow on him.
Best luck!


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## Jessica5971

Well, I can certainley relate to your story. I too was dealing with a man who was a big mama's boy, we are now separated. I would say that he needs to realize that upon marrying you he was making a commitment to put you, and your needs first before his mothers. I would definitely recommend going to counselling with him, this would probably help him to get his priorities straight. If he is not willing to change or acknowledge his wrongdoings then you will probably have to make some tough decisions. It's hard, but if he is not willing to start putting you first then you will have to put "you" first, and trust me you will be much happier and healthier for doing so. That is certainly not a happy/healthy husband wife relationship. If I were you I would start setting up some boundaries pretty quickly with him and if he is not willing to respect them then you should move on. I hope that you two will figure out a positive outcome for this situation. The best of luck to you!


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