# perspective needed



## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

I've been reading on here for a bit and there seem to be a few people with some good relationship perspective and I could sure use some.

I've been dating a man for about a year. Overall it's been a pretty good year. He's somewhat immature in that he likes to call me silly names at times. Sometimes we'll have to go a couple of days without seeing each other and he goes into this depressive funk about it. His texts will be short with not much conversation, etc. After a day or two of this, he'll become all expressive and tell me how it's just that he misses me so much. He doesn't like going days without seeing me, etc. We've had conversations where I tell him that it bothers me when he does this and I start feeling pressured. I already have a lot on my plate. He knows this and has said it's something he's willing to put up with but when he acts like this, I start feeling pressured.

If I get the least little bit upset about something, his first reaction is "you're not breaking up with me are you". In a lot of ways, he's been a good man. He's helped me out with some things on my property and financially. I kinda feel like he might be a bit of a KISA though as well. 

I kinda have a gut feeling that he may have a temper though I've never really seen it in the last year with anything to do with me. My concern is what happens when the new wears off and the everyday frustrations set in that happen in any relationship. 

thoughts?


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

Nothing?


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## Daisy2714 (Sep 22, 2013)

Hi there. I have little info to go on but based on what you've said, I would also presume he has a temper. A bad one. I would say break it off. Don't hang on to him out of some misplaced sense of obligation or guilt. He is already manipulating your emotions and you need to get away from him while you can. 

He has issues and needs help before he can be part of a healthy relationship.

Best wishes.


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

I'm in a similar situation but at the 2.5 year mark. 

I would say keep your boundaries up...if you feel pressured don't give in to make him feel better. If he doesn't respect your boundaries then you have to decide if that is a deal breaker. Don't let him guilt you by saying its just because he loves you so much. It may feel that way to him but in reality he is not respecting you.

I was not very good with my boundaries and my partner has gotten very used to my being at his beck & call. I have had enough, I need my space back, and its very difficult to change that dynamic after it has set in.


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

Also, is he very busy? Does he have a lot going on in his life or is he just sitting around waiting for you to be available?


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

No he's not very busy. I feel like he does just sit around waiting for me to be available. When we text during those days we don't see each other, I'll ask him what he's doing and his text will literally be "nada" or something similar. One word. That's it.


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

whattodoskidoo said:


> No he's not very busy. I feel like he does just sit around waiting for me to be available. When we text during those days we don't see each other, I'll ask him what he's doing and his text will literally be "nada" or something similar. One word. That's it.


Does he work? Do either of you have children?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

He works during the day and I have kids
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

How old are you guys? 
Does he drink much? You?

previous LT relationships for either of you?


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

I'm early forties and he's mid thirties. I had a long term marriage and he's had a few longish term relationships. Neither of us drink very much at all. An example this evening. Usually on Friday evenings we go out to dinner maybe run errands or window shop. Then we'll go back to his house maybe watch some TV now that the weather is getting cooler. Well I was sick this week and just felt like hanging out at my house with my kids and having dinner at home. He came over for dinner but hardly paid any attention to me at all. He touched my dog more than he touched me. (When things are fine, he's very affectionate). When asked if something was wrong, he of course said no that I was being silly. "Nothing's wrong and I did too touch. That one time at the table". :-/. We laid on the bed and talked a little about a project we've been planning on doing tomorrow. Then he said he better go. So he was here maybe an hour and a half. Kissed me once on the lips (the only time all evening) and the forehead and left. Hasn't texted me to let me know he's home. 

I'm not stupid. I know he was acting withdrawn and cool towards me but when pressed if anything was wrong, was told of course not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Sounds more like a casual acquaintance than a LTR prospect. 
Do you both work? Have decent incomes?

Is your ex in the picture? If he is, perhaps it's causing some insecurity? The amount and quality of the time you described spending this evening sounds like a scenario of a 40 yr marriage rather than a 1 yr-long relationship. 

Does he have close friends of a long term nature? Do you? If neither of you do it may be that you two are together more as a convenience than romance. 

Do you two have seriously romantic butterflies in the stomach moments?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

In your first post it sounded like you were concerned about him being too clingy and needy, but in the second post it sounded like you were concerned about him being withdrawn. Something seems like it's missing from the story. Do you have feelings for the guy?


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

Yes I have feelings for the guy and yes there are butterflies, at least on my part. I guess I kind of worry about both. He doesn't have any long term friends and frankly some of his comments as to why make me wonder. I feel a lot of pressure at times to see him more but when he gets upset about anything, he withdraws a lot. Then tells me it's all in my head. He's made comments before like this is the first really functional relationship he's ever had and this is the first time he's ever wanted to practice being unselfish with a woman. Those kinds of things make me wonder about what things would be like long term ya know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

Most of the time when we're together (and that's the key) things are really good. It's when we're not together that I wonder. I'll be thinking about him through the day and text him a kiss. He'll text back with "lol" or the smiley with his tongue sticking out. I think it stems from some immaturity really. Which kinda concerns me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

Totally confused. We texted some last night after he got home. About an hour after he got home. He said he got caught up in a tv show is why he didn't text me to let me know he was home. He said he was just having an off night and everything was fine. I really don't believe that but whatever. So this morning I texted him with a smiley and he texts back "what". I don't get it.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

He sounds withdrawn, evasive and immature to me.

A response of "What!?" from a BF would have gotten "goodbye" from me. In dating, don't waste your time on people who waste your time.


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

John Lee said:


> In your first post it sounded like you were concerned about him being too clingy and needy, but in the second post it sounded like you were concerned about him being withdrawn. Something seems like it's missing from the story.


:iagree:


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

whattodoskidoo said:


> Totally confused. We texted some last night after he got home. About an hour after he got home. He said he got caught up in a tv show is why he didn't text me to let me know he was home. He said he was just having an off night and everything was fine. I really don't believe that but whatever. So this morning I texted him with a smiley and he texts back "what". I don't get it.


Confused? LOL
No matter what age, teens, twenties, sixties, etc... when two people are really into each other they text each other dozens of times a day. They find ANY excuse to just 'connect' with their heartthrob. 

He might be your heartthrob ... but it doesn't look like he's that into you. Can you imagine what communications between you two would be in ten or twenty years? Jeezus 


This is the time when you two should be walking on air around each other and getting into each other (instead of a TV show). 

IMO he doesn't seem to be relationship material. Be honest with yourself and with him and let him know that he just isn't the kind of guy you see yourself with in the long term. Don't settle - you'll be setting both of you up for a huge disappointment and a massive waste of time.


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

And it's definitely the long term that I'm thinking about :-/ I don't know. He came over today to work on our project and it actually was a very good day. We talked about last night and he said he was upset with something we had talked about yesterday but he didnt want to be angry with me. So he thought it best to not say anything until he had put his thoughts together and could talk about it calmly. So then I felt bad for feeling like I did last night. Lol

The things that bother me the most are his calling me silly names all the time, feeling pressures to see him more (I'm in grad school and he knew this when we started dating) and then his withdrawing SO much when we don't see each other for a few days. But are those terrible things? Not really.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

whattodoskidoo said:


> And it's definitely the long term that I'm thinking about :-/ I don't know. He came over today to work on our project and it actually was a very good day. We talked about last night and he said he was upset with something we had talked about yesterday but he didnt want to be angry with me. So he thought it best to not say anything until he had put his thoughts together and could talk about it calmly. So then I felt bad for feeling like I did last night. Lol
> 
> The things that bother me the most are his calling me silly names all the time, feeling pressures to see him more (I'm in grad school and he knew this when we started dating) and then his withdrawing SO much when we don't see each other for a few days. But are those terrible things? Not really.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



No, they're not terrible things for a 16 y/o. But for a mature man? 

16 y/o act moody and can often be passive aggressive because they lack the experience/social skills to do otherwise. At least he isn't pulling your pigtails to indicate he likes you. But maybe you don't fix your hair that way!


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

That's been my feeling, that he's immature. And I keep thinking that if this is the way things are now when it's new, it's not going to get better over time :-/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Has he bad-mouthed his former relationship partners? Taken any responsibility for being unsuccessful in them? Is he upwardly mobile and secure in a long-term job? Does he get along with his peers?

These can be used to gauge his commitment and stability. If he is languishing in a dead-end job and doesn't enjoy it it can give you a heads up of what's potentially ahead. 

Marriage is a 'job' of sorts and a spouse is a peer at the most basic level.


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

And that's another part of what bothers me at times. He doesn't seem to really have friends though he's lived in the same town his whole life. He doesn't seem to like hardly anyone he works with. He's been honest as far as past relationships as far as I can tell. He talks badly about his ex wife but not the other two LTRs he's had. Part of me feels like he's "restraining" himself with me if that makes sense. I've suspected he has the capability of a temper though I've never seen it in a year.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pinotnoir (Jul 13, 2013)

He sounds insecure and emotionally immature. If I saw any of those signs, I would run away as fast as I could.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Yup - what Pinotnoir said. Cut your losses and ease this guy outta your life. Get a wider circle of friends and spend more time on you and your community. 

Volunteer at the Boy and Girls Club; take a community college class in something like American Sign Language; take up dance classes and learn some new dances. IOW, get a new routine that doesn't leave time for this guy to hang around you -


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

:-/ I know that's the right thing to do. But I also know it's going to hurt him. I should've done it earlier just really wasn't sure if my suspicions were correct.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Would you rather get a filling for your tooth today or wait for a root canal later?


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## monti_83 (Oct 12, 2013)

Here is my thoughts you saying that he is immature and withdrawn but i dont believe that to be true. More times than not people forget that we are not the same his thoughts and ways of handling situations versus yours. I cant speak for him but I am a strong confident man but when it comes to my wife i do feel insecure at times cause her ways are different than mine. Remember your way is not his way if you want him to understand you you need to understand him as well. I believe a relationship is more in the lines of "you get what you give" but you cant expect it. people come around when the confidence of the relationship is truly there. if you want him to be patient then you need to be patient, if you establish the boundaries then expect him to establish them as well and you cant expect him to just accept your boundaries if you not willing to accept his. In the beginning we do everything for each other and i believe the biggest mistake to stop doing that when we get comfortable.


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## monti_83 (Oct 12, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Would you rather get a filling for your tooth today or wait for a root canal later?


if you want to compare to teeth why wait till you have a problem why put the effort in everyday to brush them and avoid the filling all together.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

So much communication gets lost in texts. Do you guys talk in the phone? and could you do this more than texting? Has he been burned before? I almost wonder if there might be some insecurity going on on his part. If you feel he might have a temper you probably are tapping into something and I would be very aware of what you are feeling here. I think you might be seeing the first of some red flags here.


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

We mostly text when not together. Occasionally we'll talk on the phone but he seems to prefer texting for some reason. I *do* feel like he's immature in a lot of ways, for example, the silly name calling. (not meant to be mean but as a term of affection but it really is very silly)

He doesn't have a lot of patience at times *with other people*. He's never been that way with me or my kids. But I feel like that could possibly be one of the areas he's "restraining" himself in or being on his best behavior right now ya know. It concerns me some and I've been very watchful for it. 

On the flip side, I live on some acreage and when my H left me, there was a lot left undone. He's been very helpful to me with doing a ton of stuff on my acreage and doing it happily. 

My biggest concerns are definitely the long term. When he's not at my house doing stuff, I know he's at his house doing absolutely nothing but watching tv. So while he's helpful and patient *now* is that just something to be on his best behavior and in time will stop?


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## psychedelicately (Jun 11, 2013)

He sounds passive aggressive to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

We had a good day on Saturday and Sunday, working on our project. He discovered today that there's a big mixup at the DMV with his license and it really is annoying (involves dealing with another state DMV over 1000 mile away). He was kind of stressing out over it and asking me several times what he should do about it and what would I do, etc. We talked a couple of times and texted quite a bit. 

Wel, 5pm came and there wasn't anything else to do but wait until tomorrow. He was texting me telling me how thankful he was to have me and I gave him peace of mind when things were difficult. I thought there was a misunderstanding in another text but he wouldn't elaborate and said it didn't really matter anyway. Then he said he was stressing and obsessing because it was something that couldn't be fixed right away. I said I do that sometimes too. He said he knew that and that's why he turned to me for help. I thought it a little humorous and texted "lol"

He then proceeded to tell me that was rude because he was serious. I told him it wasn't rude and not to take things so seriously. Now he hasn't texted me all evening. I texted and just said "you're quiet" he said yeah. I asked if he was ok and he said yeah. I asked if he just didn't feel like talking and he said "uh idk".

I give up.


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

So I guess the next question is, how do I break it off with him. I really think that's best but kinda feel bad because he's done so much to help me. He'll feel like "see I told you things wouldn't last between us" (he says that sometimes) I think it's a self fulfilling prophecy kind of thing.


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## monti_83 (Oct 12, 2013)

Only you can make that decision and you dont want that to be based off what we "the people on the internet" only you know the full situation. I sure it not all bad and the truth is you always get the good with the bad. When a relationship is new and we have those butterflies all we see is the good but as the new wears off all we see is the things that bother us about our companion. No one is perfect!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

whattodoskidoo said:


> I kinda have a gut feeling


Always follow your gut feeling.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

^ Granted, sometimes mine leads me to the Nutella jar in the pantry, but I still stand by the principle.


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

monti_83 said:


> Only you can make that decision and you dont want that to be based off what we "the people on the internet" only you know the full situation. I sure it not all bad and the truth is you always get the good with the bad. When a relationship is new and we have those butterflies all we see is the good but as the new wears off all we see is the things that bother us about our companion. No one is perfect!


But that's part of it. Some of these things have bugged me from the beginning. Like the silly name calling. He frequently refers to me in the third person. So it's not like all the new is just wearing off and I'm just now seeing these things. I'm very aware of taking the good with the bad and that nobody is perfect. But the immaturity kinda concerns me. I still have young children and would need a partner who can be patient with them. That requires a certain level of maturity in my opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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