# Need advice



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

We have a 21 year old daughter that is mentally handicapped. Has the mind of a 5 year old. My wife is a SAHM. My daughter has the ability to drive everyone in our household completely nuts. 
I will come home after work and you can tell my wife is sometimes beside herself. Maybe our daughter threw a fit at a store. Maybe she can't wait for a particular event like the circus and asks when we are going to go a month ahead of time, several times a day, day in and day out. It's enough to drive you insane.
What type of things would you suggest that I do to get my wifes mind off of our daughter and toward sex?
I work 5 days a week and then come home to our farm where I tend to animals and outdoor chores. Usually on Saturday I do farm work all day long.


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## that.girl (Aug 27, 2014)

I would suggest making more of a point of relieving her of "daughter duty" when you're not working. It can be hard for a woman to make a quick transition from stressed out mommy to sexy vixen. 

Could you hire someone to help with the animals a couple of days a week? Then you can spend some extra time with your daughter while your wife unwinds a bit.
Or could you find someone to help care for your daughter after work so you and your wife can have some down time together?


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

that.girl said:


> I would suggest making more of a point of relieving her of "daughter duty" when you're not working. It can be hard for a woman to make a quick transition from stressed out mommy to sexy vixen.
> 
> Could you hire someone to help with the animals a couple of days a week? Then you can spend some extra time with your daughter while your wife unwinds a bit.
> Or could you find someone to help care for your daughter after work so you and your wife can have some down time together?


The only thing I regularly plan is the Friday night at a nice hotel out of town once every 2 months. It takes quite a bit of planning to get this to happen and it usually results in great sex.
As far as day to day (which is what I am addressing) it's VERY hard to find someone we both trust. At this stage in our lives in the handicapped community, many people give their child over to the state and have them live in a home with other non-typical adults. We just CANNOT ever do this. We are the type that will be living with her as long as we are alive. I'm sure you've seen folks like this walking around with their elderly parents. That will be us.

My daughter is glued to my wife. The only way I could help is if I take her away from the house to do something. Maybe I could swing this once a week. Maybe that would make my wife tingle more? I don't know.

FYI
Daughter is 21 and cannot wipe herself, cannot dress herself, cannot clean herself. One of the reasons we live on a farm is that she makes a lot of noise and spends most of the day walking her goats around. She can spend HOURS just talking to the animals. She will sit in the pasture and the donkeys will lie down and place their head in her lap. It's quite amazing to see.


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## that.girl (Aug 27, 2014)

Taking the daughter out is worth a try. When i spend all day and all evening with the kids, and they finally get to bed, i just want to catch my breath for a while. 
Men have sex to relax. Women need to relax to have sex. Give her some time to relax and you might see results.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Take daughter with you when you do farm chores.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Take daughter with you when you do farm chores.


That would be difficult to do. I mow grass 5 hours at a time and I don't want her ANYWHERE near a chainsaw or other implements I use daily.
It is worth a try on the not so intense things. Unfortunately I'm a bit selfish with this. Farm duty is MY downtime. It's how I relax. Having my daughter with me (I know it's selfish) would really stress me. Just being honest.


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## that.girl (Aug 27, 2014)

UMP said:


> Farm duty is MY downtime. It's how I relax. Having my daughter with me (I know it's selfish) would really stress me. Just being honest.


What is your wife's down time?


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## Borntohang (Sep 4, 2014)

Sorry for the circumstances... As someone who can speak from experience, I can attest to how exhausting it can be! I told people "I haven't slept in, in 19 years!"
The bottom line is, "You have to pay the cards that were dealt ya..." My wife used to say that I got to escape everyday! I got to go to work and have adult interactions! 
I would come home and "rescue" her! When I got home, I would take over and give her a little respite. She would leave and head to the stores! She rarely bought anything, she just wondered around looking at stuff. It gave her some personal time. Time to decompress. Time that she needed to face the challenges of tomorrow...
I quickly figured out, if she felt better and wasn't so exhausted. I benefited too! Lol!

Sadly my son passed away 2 years ago, I would do anything to have that "Burden" back.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Is there any way you can hire and in home aid twice a week? You talked about finding someone you BOTH trust. I take this to mean your wife is having difficulty letting go and I understand that. But your daughter is verbal and while she is extremely vulnerable, she is also able to communicate. This should make leaving your daughter easier.

I'm so sorry you're in this position. No one thinks their lives will be turned upside down and plans/expectations will be completely squashed when you have a special needs child. It is heart breaking, exhausting and anxiety provoking. Very very difficult on a marriage so kudos to you for coming to TAM to learn to keep your marriage strong!


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

that.girl said:


> What is your wife's down time?


During the school year my wife is free 5 days a week until about 4:00pm. I pick my daughter up 2 or 3 days per week from school. During the summer we have an aid pick her up for the day 2 or 3 times per week. Wife goes out with her girl friends in the evening whenever she wants to. I never deny her this. Daughter goes to bed at 7:00pm every night which helps and gives my wife some time to do whatever.
My wife does cook, but we try to go out at least once during the weekday and Sat and Sunday for either lunch and or dinner.

The problem is that when my daughter is at home, she will NOT leave my wifes side unless she is outside with her animals.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Borntohang said:


> Sorry for the circumstances... As someone who can speak from experience, I can attest to how exhausting it can be! I told people "I haven't slept in, in 19 years!"
> The bottom line is, "You have to pay the cards that were dealt ya..." My wife used to say that I got to escape everyday! I got to go to work and have adult interactions!
> I would come home and "rescue" her! When I got home, I would take over and give her a little respite. She would leave and head to the stores! She rarely bought anything, she just wondered around looking at stuff. It gave her some personal time. Time to decompress. Time that she needed to face the challenges of tomorrow...
> I quickly figured out, if she felt better and wasn't so exhausted. I benefited too! Lol!
> ...


I am sorry for your loss. 
Even though my daughter is difficult I would not change her. If I did, she would no longer be HER. She is very healthy but wants to eat everything in sight. My wife has been able to feed her a specific diet and she is at a normal weight, but CONSTANTLY wants to eat more. My daughter could make the strongest person crumble in a matter of hours, with none stop talking at the same tone. The same questions over and over again, etc.
I have to confess that I probably do not do much to take the burden off when I get home from work. However, we bought the farm FOR my daughter and I do have to take care of it. In and of itself, it's a full time job.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Is there any way you can hire and in home aid twice a week? You talked about finding someone you BOTH trust. I take this to mean your wife is having difficulty letting go and I understand that. But your daughter is verbal and while she is extremely vulnerable, she is also able to communicate. This should make leaving your daughter easier.
> 
> I'm so sorry you're in this position. No one thinks their lives will be turned upside down and plans/expectations will be completely squashed when you have a special needs child. It is heart breaking, exhausting and anxiety provoking. Very very difficult on a marriage so kudos to you for coming to TAM to learn to keep your marriage strong!


It is difficult and tramatizing, especially at first. However, believe it or not, I would not change her. We have gone through so much and have had to see other kids her age getting married and driving, etc. It's really difficult in public when other people look at her like she is from mars. She looks normal but has to carry around bags and stuffed animals in public. You do get used to it. 
All I can say is don't ever feel sorry for me. She is a blessing in disguise. Very difficult but worth every moment. Unfortunately, your life is forced to change, but you do learn to enjoy the new reality. 
For me, one of the difficult things is getting a responsive desire wife to, well, respond after dealing with this all day.

For example, my daughter wants my wife to rub her hands and or feet all the time. Even in the car, my daughter will raise her foot on the armrest and ask my wife to rub her feet. This leads to a wife that is completely burned out regarding affection toward me at the end of the day. She hardly EVER wants to touch me and be affectionate during down time. My daughter takes it all out of her.


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## Borntohang (Sep 4, 2014)

UMP,
My son was very low functioning. I had to bathe him, brush his teeth, etc...
But he had a wonderful personality! He used to crack me up! (Also drive me crazy!)
I'm going to share something with you. I had an epiphany one day. Ever since we discovered he had issues, people would say "God blessed him with you"! Well to tell you the truth, I wish God had blessed that on someone else. All I wanted was a healthy child! It started to get patronizing... Well, one day we were at the mall. I was pushing my son around in a Child size wheelchair (he didn't walk until he was 4 yrs old) . I noticed a young teenage girl holding the hand of a precious little toddler. The child was obviously hers and she was frustrated! She was jerking this boys arm and yelling at him to hurry!
At that moment, it was like the Heavens opened up and God had spoken to me! At that moment, I realized God had given me Austin! He knew he couldn't give him to her...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Borntohang said:


> UMP,
> My son was very low functioning. I had to bathe him, brush his teeth, etc...
> But he had a wonderful personality! He used to crack me up! (Also drive me crazy!)
> I'm going to share something with you. I had an epiphany one day. Ever since we discovered he had issues, people would say "God blessed him with you"! Well to tell you the truth, I wish God had blessed that on someone else. All I wanted was a healthy child! It started to get patronizing... Well, one day we were at the mall. I was pushing my son around in a Child size wheelchair (he didn't walk until he was 4 yrs old) . I noticed a young teenage girl holding the hand of a precious little toddler. The child was obviously hers and she was frustrated! She was jerking this boys arm and yelling at him to hurry!
> *At that moment, it was like the Heavens opened up and God had spoken to me! At that moment, I realized God had given me Austin! He knew he couldn't give him to her..*.


Isn't that the truth! That's why I avoid the mall on Friday evenings. That's when the teenaged Moms come out with their babies struggling to keep up while Mom parades herself through the mall. I get so disgusted!


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Borntohang said:


> UMP,
> My son was very low functioning. I had to bathe him, brush his teeth, etc...
> But he had a wonderful personality! He used to crack me up! (Also drive me crazy!)
> I'm going to share something with you. I had an epiphany one day. Ever since we discovered he had issues, people would say "God blessed him with you"! Well to tell you the truth, I wish God had blessed that on someone else. All I wanted was a healthy child! It started to get patronizing... Well, one day we were at the mall. I was pushing my son around in a Child size wheelchair (he didn't walk until he was 4 yrs old) . I noticed a young teenage girl holding the hand of a precious little toddler. The child was obviously hers and she was frustrated! She was jerking this boys arm and yelling at him to hurry!
> At that moment, it was like the Heavens opened up and God had spoken to me! At that moment, I realized God had given me Austin! He knew he couldn't give him to her...


Yes, I understand and I agree.
My wife is the saint in our group. I'm more the outwardly reluctant Grinch, but I love her too. On the flip side to this, I know people in our situation that have disowned their kids and sent them permanently to a group home to see them maybe once a year.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

You need a respite worker. Yes it will take time and effort on the workers part to gain your daughters trust but that is what we home health workers are trained to do.

Look for local charities and grants for your daughter's specific disability and get a worker in there.

Also, horse riding therapy will help with your daughter's separation anxiety.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Just reading this.. I give you a lot of credit ..so admirable.. that you & her feel as you do.. wouldn't change a thing, you bought a farm for her.. how she interacts with the animals... how blessed your daughter IS to have you both as her parents....

I really don't think I would come close to handling this as well as you 2 have .... this is when a family literally "needs a village"...


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Bless you and your wife. Growing up I was a respite worker for a group home. Very challenging and so rewarding. I suggest you try this for your wife and you.


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