# lost and in need of help



## youngluv (Feb 17, 2010)

Hello Everyone

I am new to this site and I never talked about my problems in my marriage with anyone before. So I guess I should start from the beginning. I met my husband my senior year of high school a mutual friend introduce us and we have been together ever since. We never fought or even broke up , I thought he was perfect he understood I already had a son and wanted to be apart of his life.He joined the military after graduation and the relationship stayed strong. I mean I can count on one hand how many times we had a fight.Three years into the relationship he asked me to marry him before he deployed and when he came home on some leave time we got married.

When he returned home for good I was so happy until I found e-mails between him and his ex girlfriend. He had been talking to her for months and I didnt know and it wasn't the type of conversations a married man should be having. We have argued the whole first year of our marriage and now on Valentines Day I find out he told a ex that he only married me for money. I am heartbroken i have lost all trust but I cant make myself get up and leave. I understand we both are 22 but I quit my job and moved me and my son here to live with him. I have no one to talk to. He refuses to get help and I don't want to tell my family. Please can anyone give me some advice I don't know what to do and I have no one to talk to.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you want to keep him, you should find this girl's contact information, and call her husband or, if not married, her parents. Tell them she is carrying on with a married man, and ask them to talk to her. At the same time, call your husband's parents and siblings and tell them the same thing - ask for their help.

If you can stop the affair, you have a good chance of keeping your husband. But he will never commit to you as long as he's addicted to communicating with his ex.

But once everyone knows what they're doing - even if it's just conversations; like you said, he's married - it will be harder for them to keep it up. If they got to the point where they started making plans with each other, both of their families knowing they cheated may put a damper on any plans to merge into each other's families.

As for marrying you for money...it may be true, but it may not. People who have affairs (even just emotional affairs) tend to rewrite history - they tell themselves that they were never really in love or whatever, so they can live with themselves. So for now, don't believe anything he says. Just watch his actions.

Have you talked to him yet? If not, you may want to hold off until you gather more evidence, to know exactly what you're dealing with, and you may need the evidence if things go south and you have to divorce. (sorry)

Finally, you're only 22. You have a LOT of life left ahead of you. You may want to consider just cutting your losses and going back home. If he's cheating this soon into your marriage, you can bet it probably won't get better.


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

youngluv said:


> ... only married me for money ... I quit my job and moved me and my son here to live with him ...


Makes no sense.

Your story is full of big holes, nobody can help you figure out this Swiss cheese. Fill in the blanks, then ask again.


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## youngluv (Feb 17, 2010)

Thanks turnera for the advice and AlexNY what didn't you understand. I am a military wife my husband told his ex that he married me only for money and all the while telling me he is in love with me. I have changed my whole life to be with him. I had to move away from my family, quit my job, and leave school to adjust to his life and now to find out he is having conversations with his ex that he should not be having.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

I think he means - if he married you for money - but then you quit your job....where is the money he married you for coming from?


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## youngluv (Feb 17, 2010)

He is in the military you get extra pay when you have a spouse and a dependent child


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## letmego (Jan 7, 2010)

if you 2 don't have any kid yet,then leave.no matter what he said is true or not.this guy is an unreliable and unsafe one to spend your life


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## youngluv (Feb 17, 2010)

For some reason it is hard for me to just leave. Every time i try to leave i can't i know that sounds crazy but I just dont know how to leave


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I am so sorry for you. You probably cant leave right now because you are in shock. Just because you know that he's been a jerk to you, doesnt mean you can all of a sudden hate him, and leave. It doesnt work that way. You are probably still torn between who you thought he was, what you thought you had, and what is now really happening.

Give yourself some time to handle all of this. You are going through a lot. Try and reach out for support, but not from your H. He's a jerk. id like to punch him.

Do you have family that you can talk to? anyone you can trust?A counselor would be good. 

I moved with my H, too. I have an idea of what you are going through. i quit my drop and changed my life around to be with him. i felt betrayed by him, also. it took years for it to sink in. Its easy for outsiders to tell you what to do- because we're not emotionally involved. but it takes awhile for emotions to catch up with you. its four years later and im just now starting to get over what happened to me. You'll be OK. you'll get through this. it's just going to take time.


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## youngluv (Feb 17, 2010)

Blanca said:


> I am so sorry for you. You probably cant leave right now because you are in shock. Just because you know that he's been a jerk to you, doesnt mean you can all of a sudden hate him, and leave. It doesnt work that way. You are probably still torn between who you thought he was, what you thought you had, and what is now really happening.
> 
> Give yourself some time to handle all of this. You are going through a lot. Try and reach out for support, but not from your H. He's a jerk. id like to punch him.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for the advice I really needed to hear that. All of my married friends are now getting divorces so i don't talk to them about my problems and my family would just tell me to leave him so I have been keeping everything to myself. He really didn't use to be like this until he came home from being in Iraq for 15 months.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I have heard a lot of horror stories of men being turned inside out after Iraq. Do you think there is something to redeem in him, if he were to work it out?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

youngluv said:


> I have been keeping everything to myself.


I understand how you feel there. Ive kept myself pretty isolated the last few years. Counseling has helped a lot. that is always an idea. Its nice to know i have someone to talk to that is not bias and can give me advice. its nice knowing someone has my best interest at heart, but wont always tell me what i want to hear. 

and finding a higher power to rely on is not such a bad idea either. ive found meditation helps a lot. and im trying to integrate into a new church. not that i particularly believe in god, but its a clean, honest, uplifting environment that i think will help me in the long run. 

and im slowly coming to rely on myself more again. when i moved with my H i put so much emotional and physical needs on him that when he started to have problems, i really started to have problems. I think he became my foundation, so to speak. ive taken back some of that emotional responsibility and am learning how to create a stronger emotional foundation for myself, so that i can allow my H to be human. It is very painful to find out your H has deceived you and you'll have to take back some of the emotional attachment you shared with him. But its not a process that is a complete loss. Finding you again, and reevaluating how to meet your own needs, while not hating your H, is a worthwhile journey. In the end you may find that you didnt lose anything. You may find that you gained a deeper understanding of many things.


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## HindSight (Feb 24, 2010)

I'm probably not the best person to be offering advice, but...

At this point, it's hard to trust him. Him saying that sort of thing will haunt you two for a long time. It is not only a betrayal, but it suggests that he did nothing but lie to you all along. Those two things that can be impossible to live with in a "companion", yet many of us do live with it.

I might suggest that your inability to leave him may be simply because (in a round about way) it means you have to leave your child again. Go back to work. Daycare...all the things you were happy to leave behind so you could love your baby. Your situation poses a double-whammy in this regard. 

If I were you, I would "test" all of this. If his ex is who he wants, then offer her to him. If you love him, set him free. Stop fighting him. Let the battle go. You don't want to be the war front and she be his soft landing. So, instead: get down to the raw truth and take it for what it is. Ask him, "Do you want to open up our mairrage? If you really want her, ok. As long as I can see other men too, we can both benefit."

Now, I'm not saying this is what you really want to DO, but it will let you know where he stands. If he happily agrees, then you know you don't have a marraige - at least, not the type you thought. But if he wants to possess you for his wife (not share you), then it may shed some light on his real feelings towards you. 

On a totally different note though, sometimes guys say things they don't mean. And other times they are nothing more than afraid to truly commit. If that is the case then try to get past the verbal "oops" and his potential fear, and you could really have someone you'll be with forever. But, you really have to set anger and hurt aside long enough to get down to the bottom of it all. 

It also sounds like you two didn't spend a whole lot of time together before he got deployed. How long was he with his ex? If it was a long time, she will be "familiar" and you will be a little "unfamiliar", in comparison. You should try to figure out what she is offering him to make him want to keep coming back to her. He obviously doesn't love her that much, other wise he would have married her instead of you.

For example, after I married my husband I did start emailing an old boyfriend of mine. Why? He made me feel sexy, and my husband was having some weird issues about making sexual advances on me. Did I want my old boyfriend back? No. I just wanted to feel sexy again. It wasn't smart of me, but I did it. I didn't have an affair though. What I'm saying is: maybe she is offering him something that you could learn to offer him. Maybe his sinful phrase of _marrying you for money_ was nothing but a defensive mechanism because you busted him. He wanted to hurt you for humiliating him by catching him doing something he knew he shouldn't have done. Just a thought.

All of that may boil some blood, so I'll offer some alternates:
1) learn to live in a marriage with lies and betrayal
2) emotionally distance yourself from him but keep a close eye on him so once he has an affair, divorce him and get alimony and child support.
3) Use _him_ as a paycheck until your child starts school and you can work again. Basically, buy yourself some time until you can divorce him and start over again. 


I still just think something is off. If he _really_ married you for a paycheck...ya know? I mean: he'd be setting himself up for failure because the moment he sleeps with another woman he'd loose everything (bye bye larger paycheck + hello alimony + child support). And marrying you would mean he could never sleep with another woman. So...why shoot himself in the foot? I think there is more to the story than you know. What are his _real_ plans??? When will he be leaving the military? Is that when he plans on divorcing you? Still doesn't make sense: he'd be paying alimony and child support for years to come...and that is a financial loss. So, he either has to take a financial loss, or never sleep with another woman until you die. See what I mean? It doesn't make sense. 

He's certainly lying about something...but don't put all your eggs in one "truth basket". I think something is missing. It's either a piece of the puzzle, or he's just lost his mind. Course, he could be just plain stupid too. Maybe he didn't have any plan. (?)

Sorry, I talk a lot. Drives my husband a little nuts. :s


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## youngluv (Feb 17, 2010)

Thanks everyone. I don't really no what happen to my husband while in iraq but he came home a different person. Before he left we were together for 2 years and I only saw him maybe a week before he deployed. He really is a good man but this first year of marriage has been nothing but yelling and arguing but a part of me still wants to fight for my marriage.

I really have lost trust and i Know you can't have a relationship without trust. After crying and being upset for a few days I sat him down to get the truth he says that he didn't mean a word of it. He was only with the ex girlfriend a few months and she wasn't important he claims he broke up with her cause he didn't have the same feelings for her that she had for him. He claims she got in contact with him after finding out we got married. He claims he talk to her to see if he "still had it" i was at a lost for words when he said that.

My mind is telling me to leave but my heart says stay. Going to get help for or marriage is out of the question is refuses to go. So this is my way of having someone to talk to. My friends and family would just tell me to leave and let it go I am still young and can move on but i need to feel like I gave this marriage my all before i call it quits. For the past few days he has been going above and beyond to fix this. He tells me how sorry he is everyday and how much he loves me and how he never wanted to hurt me. 

But now the problem is how do I try and forgive when I keep seeing these text messages between the two of them in my head? How do I trust again

I'm really thankful to everyone who has posted something right now no advice is bad advice. It is always nice to have someone to talk to without being judged. So thank you all keep it coming


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## youngluv (Feb 17, 2010)

HindSight said:


> I'm probably not the best person to be offering advice, but...
> 
> At this point, it's hard to trust him. Him saying that sort of thing will haunt you two for a long time. It is not only a betrayal, but it suggests that he did nothing but lie to you all along. Those two things that can be impossible to live with in a "companion", yet many of us do live with it.
> 
> ...


 You brought up alot of things I was thinking already. He will be done with the military in two years and he getting deployed again at the end of the year. He is a horrible liar and everytime he lies to me he gets caught. At times he can be just plain stupid I have to keep in mind that we are both 22 so we still are learning. Everything you said has been going through my mind and there nothing wrong with talking alot you have to make sure you get everything you want to say out.:iagree:


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

youngluv, I'd simply say two things:

Don't be hasty. You're both young and in the early days of what you have hoped will be a life-long marriage. Time will confer perspective on these problems.

Secondly, in your situation, it could be very important that you know what happened to your man in Iraq. He may have seen things within himself that he didn't know and can't accept, he may have seen things around him that no person should have to behold. He might be traumatized and struggling to recover himself.

Does the army offer support to servicemen and families - support groups, counseling services, things of that sort?


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## youngluv (Feb 17, 2010)

The army does offer services for it but my husband and alot of his military friends refuse to use these services because they prefer not to have the military in there personal life and knowing they are having problems. If they do go and get help it will not be through the military. He has let me in a little and talk to me about his experience over there he hasn't told me everything and I am giving him time I don't want to push. He has changed and he admits he has.


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

younglove, I can understand those reasons for his reluctance. He must feel a little trapped. Perhaps there's a respectable source of confidential independent support or counseling like a church group? i think you're doing the right thing in being there for him but not pushing.


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## youngluv (Feb 17, 2010)

Hi everyone

I am back in a similar situation again. My husband work's with this young lady and she flirts with my husband and she makes little remarks that are out of line and very disrespectful. He tells me he doesnt want her and he pays her no mind. I made it very LOUD and CLEAR to the both of them I didn't want them talking unless it was about work .Well i found some text messages between the two of them (friends dont talk to each other like this at all) and I became very upset. 

I asked him would he stop texting her because i had a problem with it and he said fine it was no problem. Well a few weeks later I got our cell phone bill in the mail and when I opened it there were numerous pages with just her number on it. He was even on the phone with me a couple of times while he was texting her and it was way after they had got off work so there was no need to be talking this late at night. They had still be talking even after the day I asked him to stop talking to her. I approached him and asked him had he been talking to her and he said once she call to ask how he was doing. I decided not to bring up the bill I was so shocked He lied right to my face.

Things have been going really good between us since our last big problem so I dont understand why he would have a need to lie about that. Should I bring the bill up to him? Should I approach both of them about this since they both knew I didn't want them talking? I really dont know what to do cause this makes me wonder what else has he lied about and maybe I made the mistake in giving him a second chance after the first time he hurt me


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why? Because he doesn't want to be tied down to you. Either that, or he gets a thrill out of cheating on you and feeding his ego. It really is that simple sometimes.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

youngluv said:


> Should I bring the bill up to him? Should I approach both of them about this since they both knew I didn't want them talking? I really dont know what to do cause this makes me wonder what else has he lied about and maybe I made the mistake in giving him a second chance after the first time he hurt me


i dont think you should bring up the bill. He'll just get better at hiding what is going on. the more naive he thinks you are, the more careless he will be and the easier it will be for you to really know what is going on.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

A line in the sand must be drawn. Either he stops texting and emailing other women or you are gone. Enough is enough. You are young. Very young with a child that you had in your teens. It sounds like you think he might be the only person to want you and that is why you put up with this level of disrespect. There are PLENTY of men out there who would want you. Now, I am not saying walk away from this. What I am saying is that you need to set your boundaries. Texting and emailing as well as other **** he has done has no place in your home, marriage or any part of your life. None. Take a stand. If he crosses those boundaries that you set again then you need to file. He refuses counseling, refuses to deal with his issues and you are left holding the bag. I am a HUGE advocate on doing whatever it takes to make a marriage work but I will be honest here. If he is not willing to seek help and put your needs and wants as priority number one then I would really consider leaving. You are 22 with a child, a child that is not your husband's. You sound lovely. Very sweet, caring and honest. You love him. I get that. But sometimes that isn't enough and you need to protect yourself and that of your child. Set your boundaries and stand by them!


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

His betrayals and lies here are so countless that I have lost track, and I got lost on the first page. Turned to this page, and low and behold they are still adding up. My calculator is not nearly as good as your husband.

My dear, why do you keep putting yourself through this? You should have left after the first thing, the money issue. That all by itself was an awful thing for a man to say about his wife. It told you who he was and that you were to expect no different. Maya Angelou says, "When a person shows you how they are, believe them the first time." No one is going to walk up to you and say, "Hello, I'm a terrible person. You cannot trust me. Will you marry me?" But he keeps showing you in as many ways as is possible. You refuse to believe him.

I dont' know why leaving is so hard. If I knew that, then I would bottle and sell it to empower all the women who stay in marriages as they get beaten every day. All I can think is it is just difficult to let go of what you thought you had, never realizing you didn't actually have anything. When you find out you never had anything, the hurt is so painful, and you want what you thought you had even though it wasn't real. At least you thought you had it, and that was enough to sustain you for the time. So you wish you could go back there. You wish you could make him love you. You internalize and feel self pity that he doesn't love you. And this is the part I hope to really impress upon you and wish I could help abused women too: It is not about him loving you. It is not about him not loving you. It is not about your worth. It is not about you at all. It is all about him.

You were his victim in the same manner someone like Ted Bundy had many victims; much the same manner as a mugger or a rapist have many victims. You were a trusting, unsuspecting person that he selected. That is all. Surely you know someone who was robbed or a victim of identity theft. They were a victim. It certainly wasn't about whether they deserved what happened to them. They were selected, as anyone else could have been selected in order for the offense to happen. The only difference is someone like him has to make it personal. He has to get to know his victims and become part of their lives. He has to lie to make you trust him. He has to make himself appear "perfect" in your eyes to make you love him. He has to say what he knows you want to hear to make you believe him. So that when he turns into his real self, you are too shocked to trust what you just discovered to be true. It goes against all that you have previously known because you thought you knew HIM; you trusted HIM; you fell in love with HIM; you believed HIM. This new person is NOT him, so it must be that HE will return to soothe you and remind you how much you love, trust, and believe in him. That's what all the apologies are for, and they adequately serve their purpose because you're still there rocking and rolling with more and more of his lies and betrayals. That's why it's hard to leave. It's the shock, the hurt, and the emotional roller coaster. You have to know and convince yourself that it's not about you. You are just his victim.

What IS all about you and your worth is whether or not YOU think you are worth anything. If you have self esteem and a sense of worth, you will not sit there taking his crap. You will leave because you know you deserve better. Leaving will still be difficult because you still love him since love doesn't just up and disappear upon the revelation that you married a jerk. Of course you still love him but if you have self esteem and a sense of self worth, you will love YOU more than you love him.

Will you go pack your bags now?????????


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Best.post.ever.


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