# Wife in EA



## ulikebeef (Feb 6, 2011)

Really need help on this one guys.

Wife just turned 35, and moved to a new job in IT in July.

I don't know why, but I withdrew emotionally and was very angry about the new job through December. 

In about August she mentioned that she wanted to start running with a male co-worker who was 23, and had a live in girlfriend. At the time she said she would choose her husband over friend any day. I said OK.

The 23 year old got dumped by his girlfriend and he and my wife started texting a lot more. In January they had about 10 texts a day between them. I commented about this and my wife sat down and read through the texts with me, all very innocent.

Just last week I was at work, I work night shifts 3 times a week, and noticed that wife had been texting "friend" after I had asked, "no texting while I'm at work." Wife said that she had texted to talk to him on Facebook so that she could show him pictures of a female friend he might be able to date.

I thought "great Facebook chat, there is no way I can see what they said." However, after doing some searching, I found software to restore texts and read through 24 pages of text.

They started out innocently, but then my wife took it to a very sexual nature, essentially having cyber sex with this kid. This happened over the course of two nights. They both talked about having hidden these feelings they had been having, even though my wife states they just developed recently. 

Confronted my wife, asked her if she was either in or out of our marriage. She said she was in but convinced me to allow her to meet with the kid to talk about setting "boundaries" so that they could continue to run together. I said ok. When wife got home from work, I asked what boundaries they had set, and she couldn't verbalize any.

We once again had it out, and I once again said that this relationship could not continue. I believe she is s*** testing me
to see if I will stay strong on the no more contact declaration.

She keeps trying to be able to continue to run with him.

PS-wife says that she felt that the chat sex was "safe" because they would never do anything, and they both admitted it was wrong.

Any input greatly appreciated


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## coops (Jan 24, 2011)

Safe is the same word my wife used. "Safe cause I know nothing would happen and he wouldn't do that"

You did the right thing to confront her and lay down the law, wrong thing to let her continue seeing this person at all. What needs to happen is complete separation from this person. This friendship is toxic for your marriage. 

Its my opinion this friendship needs to stop or it will continue to snowball. If you allow it to continue, she may show initial positive signs of being happy you trusted her, but she will ultimately see you as weak and easily controlled. If you stop it, she'll initially be upset at you, but long term she'll happy you did what was right for the relationship and find you more attractive. 

Do what is best for your marriage long term and forget the short term consequences. Whatever she says now is IN HER OWN SELF INTEREST not the marriage. You are doing what is right for the marriage by stopping her. 

Emotional affairs are tricky because so many games are played. The "You can't prove its wrong" or "Its just friendship" cards get played. The second you busted her for with any sexual flirting/conversation of, that should be your excuse to put an end to it. 

If I was going to make a bet. I would bet on you in this situation. Not enough emotional bonding to this other male and if you lay it down as "This is completely unacceptable, no more communication with this guy for any reason or I walk." I highly highly highly doubt shes going to pick a 23 year old over your life, your marriage, etc. 

Make her text him in front of you saying that she will no longer be talking to him about anything other than work related matters and that there will be no more text messages. Obviously this means stop the running and other activities she shares with him. 

I'd also make her remove him from facebook (does it have a blocking feature?). She has broken your trust and should be treated as such until she has regained your trust. She gets nothing for free. 

The one thing I regret is not clamping down on the EA my wife was having sooner. I caught it quickly but I allowed the games to go on for about 6 months. I'd get upset, she'd back off a tiny bit or just hide it a little better. Wouldn't be long before she was right back at it. It'll drive you nuts. Wasn't till I snapped and was ready to walk that it stopped. Shes done wrong here, she knows it, you know it, just a question if you'll put a stop to it sooner or later. Not to mention the better you handle this one, she'll think twice the next time she's tempted to get emotionally invested in another guy.


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

This is heading for a PA very soon.

Jump in QUICKLY, and be VERY VERY firm.

Once your wife has sex with him, the chances for saving the marriage become MUCH harder.

She must PERMANENTLY drop contact with this boy.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Well if she wants to run, she can always run with you.

She has to break all contact and send a joint message to him with your being present.

Further outside of work contact from him would be followed up by complaints to the employer. She may need to leave the job as well.

I would be very blunt with her about how inappropriate all this is.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Totally agree with Atholk!!!!

Run with you if she wants to run

No contact letter written by HER and sent by YOU - registered mail so you know he got it.

Full transparency on email, text phone everything!

In addition - might want to read Surviving and Affair by Willard F. Harley


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Listen and pay attention to Athol and Powerbane. They have it right. If you don't stop this and find out why it's happening, they will be sleeping together.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Oh and don't let her set the boundaries. Her lack of boundaries is the problem.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

So she wants you to believe, 1., they never had sex. and 2. that the two of them whacking off together over the internet (presume a video cam?) doesn't count?

If she runs with that kid again, actually, if she has any more contact with him then you two are done.

In fact, you two need a serious intervention. She doesn't see it as a big deal because she liked what she did.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Yes, enforce the NC, offer to run with her (may get things "started" with you again), and stick to your guns, before she comes to you one day and demands a divorce because she has fallen in love with him.


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## ulikebeef (Feb 6, 2011)

Thanks everyone for your input. No webcam thank god. It's so tough because these damn EA's are so freakin hard to define. I'm glad she crossed the line and even more glad that I found it.

The funny thing is that I wanted to prevent this stupid friendship in the first place but was trying not to be controlling, or jealous. Stupid political correctness crap. 

Just to let everyone know, we've had a great weekend, I told her Friday night no more contact, hadn't dropped the no contact letter request on her, till just today. 

Also, I am a fiend for information on this realm and have read the "Your Marriage Savior," "Women's Infidelity 1 and 2," and am looking for more info to read. So thanks for the recommendations.

I can tell she is having inner struggle on admitting to herself that this was VERY wrong, and expect her to soon have a hard time forgiving herself.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

If you want to save your marriage (it might be too late) you need to MAKE HER STOP ALL CONTACT with him...your wife is getting that 'feeling' again except it is with another guy with no ties (the worst kind of guy a wife can get involved with)..just make sure you keep documentation of everything she does(it comes in handy at the divorce).


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

ulikebeef said:


> I can tell she is having inner struggle on admitting to herself that this was VERY wrong, and expect her to soon have a hard time forgiving herself.



Be aware it could go the other way also and she will resent the hell out of you for making her end it. That's how my wife reacted. We rode it out and are doing fine now. Stick to your gun on NC but be prepared for how you will react if she stubs her toe.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Better to have the extreme hissy fit now than to let it drag out and escalate over the course of YEARS.


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## ulikebeef (Feb 6, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ulikebeef (Feb 6, 2011)

Well, stuck to my guns. We were having a great time last night. This morning I realized she is not ready to end ea. I said "we're stuck!" Got a text from her that asked me to be patient. But I realized nothing will change till she snaps out of this fog. Soooo, I wrote her an NC consequences letter and told her I am moving out and will not talk to her until it its just her and I. And that her ea is a constant assault to my dignity. Checked into a hotel for the next couple nights and we'll see what happens.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

There ya go! As I read through it, that's what I would have suggested - your response needs to be disproportionate to send a message.

As they say in the Kung Fu Movies:

"Enough talk. Let's fight!"

Enough with the pedantic psychobabble.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

So what happened? Update?


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## ulikebeef (Feb 6, 2011)

Update,
I came home the next day, talked to her. Somehow let myself be convinced that she could be just friends with him and needed to go have a drink with him. I bugged the car, and heard them having a makeout session. Busted her on Friday,
she responded by sending a rather soft no contact letter and we have been trying to go on dates and reconnect since.

I just saw that she texted him Saturday however, so am going to ask for another FIRM no contact letter. She keeps saying things like "not sure what I want," seems like she is re-evaluating marriage in general. Fine by me however, I am also starting to wonder if this is even what I want.

Start working day shift next week, but just don't know how to proceed. Plus, having a great time last night with her, had one too many beers and got into a fight. Arghh!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Have you exposed this affair? You have have some solid proof and in the best interest of the marraige I would make this as difficult as possible to continue. 
She's "cake eating" and mike188 has some sound experience in what could happen if you don't show some tough love with regards to no contact.
She needs more time = i want to see both OM and H
Help her get unconfussed by not tolorating this affair. Expose it and bring it to light. It won't be so taboo and exciting when everyone knows. I mean everyone the OM's side and your side...parents his and hers, friends, co workers, and his and her brothers and sisters.

It sound like the both of you are reconnecting so let these consequences be warned if she voids the NC.


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## ulikebeef (Feb 6, 2011)

This is how it ends.

Haven't been on here in a while but just thinking about all the support and information I gained from this site.

I filed for divorce in May after agonizing for a couple of months.
She would never say our marriage was over, but sure wasn't willing to commit to our marriage. 

I accepted a spot in the graduate program of my dreams, bought my own townhome, and will have my divorce decree in 5 days.

This is not the ending that I had hoped for, but I only have control over myself. Right now I am attempting to figure out how to interact with her in a manner that is respectful but not overly friendly. I don't want bitterness, but I also want her to know that I will never let her any closer to me than necessary.

My life is my own again, and for that I am grateful and happy.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So sorry to hear how it ended for you. She is going to find that a 23 yr old isn't going to have any long term interest in a 35 yr old divorced woman.

She is old and burned.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

True that Shaggy. 

ulikebeef, it only take u 3 months to file for a divorce. I wish I am that strong.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sometimes you just have to let them go!


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Thanks for the update. It's nice to be able to see how things turn out.

I glad to see you have the clarity of mind to move forward.

Hope you do well with your graduate program.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Just curious... How is she taking all this? Is she still seeing the young man?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

yeah, what happened to lover boy?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Congrats bro.

If it's any consolation, she'll regret it.

It's a shame she didn't regret it sooner.

But, you don't have control over that.





ulikebeef said:


> This is how it ends.
> 
> Haven't been on here in a while but just thinking about all the support and information I gained from this site.
> 
> ...


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## ozwang (Aug 11, 2011)

ulikebeef said:


> This is how it ends.
> 
> Haven't been on here in a while but just thinking about all the support and information I gained from this site.
> 
> ...


I would have biterness if i was you, so congrats on being a good guy. Seems you deserve better.

She is a selfish ***** and you will be better off in the long run without it.


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## ozwang (Aug 11, 2011)

one thing I dont get s why you care about acting respectful to her now, after she has treated you with such little respect. She deserves little to no respect for destroying your marriage.


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