# Please help me through this



## sorry4everything (Nov 23, 2010)

I was on here a month ago because my wife and I were having problems. A short summary is that I was not very nice to my wife and she got sick of it. I did a 180 and got it together and realized what I had done. For the first time in my life I poured my heart out to her and was the perfect husband to her while she treated me like **** for a month and a half. I had a gut feeling and did some digging to find out that she was having an EA. At a point in my life that I was actually doing the right thing, she decides to cheat. A couple of major things is like one night she had sex with me then said she was tired and went to bed, but she was talking to him not sleeping. The biggest thing that I am having a hard time getting by is that, I asked her if she was talking to anyone else, and she swore on our daughters life that she wasn't and she was. What kind of mother/wife/person can do something like that. It makes me feel like nothing is sacred.

So now the to my issue. I love this woman more now than ever. She seems to love me a lot more now too. We are talking about having another baby and we seem happy. I do pretty good, but I work a lot and I am gone a lot. When I am gone and alone my mind goes crazy! It has been a month now and I cannot get past it. It feels like I am dying, and I get upset. She does not seem like she has much guilt, but I believe that she would never do it again. How can I get past this before I ruin our marriage for good?


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## Oft (Dec 30, 2010)

sorry4everything said:


> I was on here a month ago because my wife and I were having problems. A short summary is that I was not very nice to my wife and she got sick of it. I did a 180 and got it together and realized what I had done. For the first time in my life I poured my heart out to her and was the perfect husband to her while she treated me like **** for a month and a half. I had a gut feeling and did some digging to find out that she was having an EA. At a point in my life that I was actually doing the right thing, she decides to cheat. A couple of major things is like one night she had sex with me then said she was tired and went to bed, but she was talking to him not sleeping. The biggest thing that I am having a hard time getting by is that, I asked her if she was talking to anyone else, and she swore on our daughters life that she wasn't and she was. What kind of mother/wife/person can do something like that. It makes me feel like nothing is sacred.
> 
> So now the to my issue. I love this woman more now than ever. She seems to love me a lot more now too. We are talking about having another baby and we seem happy. I do pretty good, but I work a lot and I am gone a lot. When I am gone and alone my mind goes crazy! It has been a month now and I cannot get past it. It feels like I am dying, and I get upset. She does not seem like she has much guilt, but I believe that she would never do it again. How can I get past this before I ruin our marriage for good?



You ask what kind of person could do that, make promises on their kids life. Well, a cheater would. My wife said the same thing to me. They will lie through their teeth right in your face and not think twice about it.

Have you confronted your wife about knowing about the affair? You may want to look into going to MC. I wouldn't want to have a baby at that time before things get resolved.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

I agree w/ Oft. My wife also swore on her and our kids life and was lying. If they have no morals and won't honor their marrital vows made before God, why would you expect them to be honorable by swearing on their kids lives!

I would bet she's still cheating. I wish I had heard this from someone a year ago. After I found a text that said "I want you", my wife swore that it was just drunken foolishness and would never happen again. She also swore that it "was nothing". Again, I discovered a single 1 minute phone call to "him". Again, "it's nothing". Well that "nothing" was an 11 month EA that became a one time meeting for physical "activity".

Affairs change people's brains so that they become "monsters". They do crazy things that we can never understand.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

s4e,
It is really up to her to help you heal. 

If she is willing then these are a few of the things that got me by. 
1. alot of contact when you are both at work, I'm talking calls/text before work, at break, lunch and at the end of the day.
2. passwords and access to her email, cell, social sites.

3. alot of affection when your home.

4. talk about it (alot) she needs to put your imagination at rest and tell you what you need to know.

5. go out alot, take her on dates, be around each other when not at work.

6. she needs to go after you like she has a crush on you and like she did when you first met.

It's real easy to say their sorry, but when they except and understand the consequences, and that their life is turned back to fully giving them selve back to you is the hard part. They have to expose, give, and submit to everything that you need to heal. That is very hard for most, especially when they are not used to answering to you and they are used to there independence. 

If she is truely remorseful she will be an open book for you to look into any time you want, and give up the privacy,independence and the life she once had. Even before the affair. 

You can't be controling but you can explain to her that these are some of the things you need to heal. It is up to her to make the hard choice of giving her self back to you. The sooner she does and the more she opens up the less and less she will need to submit to your needs. basicly she will gain some trust and you will be more comfortable as time goes on. She really needs to give it her all. The sooner she deals with these consequences and the more open and affection she shows the quicker you comfort level will rise.

The ball is in her court and now that you confronted her she has the choice to make it work by healing you or put up more walls that will not repair the marriage.

I don't know how many folks on this site had the kind of reconnection I had, but I can not think of any other way I would have stayed if my wife didn't do these things.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In addition if she is not remorseful and the walls are still up and you still believe she is contact with the OM then it would be time to let her know what and what you will not tolorate. Set your boundries and show her a confident man that can move on with out her. So begging or crying will not look atractive to her so don't do it. Tell her you love her and you will not tolorate her OM and she will need to move on.

So in short she has two choices give her self back to you or move on. Waiting for her should not be an option.


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

I wished that I could write something to the contrary but I can't. A cheating spouse will lie in church, in front of pastors, everyone to cover up their affair(s). Johnny Cochran's ghost couldn't pull the truth from a wayward spouse.

Mine did the same thing, only to find that she was talking that ish to me while the OM was laying right next to her in some hotel room. And she wonders why I don't smile while taking family pictures?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Yup! Mine turned evil and lied to my face several times. Those lies are the worst, because that is what actually hurt the most.

She even said I was incredibly insecure for even thinking she was having an affair and that if I wasn't so insecure things wouldn't be a problem...this as I was waving the sexual emails I printed out right in front of her face....


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya I'm a big fan in having black and white proof, some folks just don't get it, accusing them is nothing..... showing them is the only way to go.


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## loveless25 (Jan 5, 2011)

My ex did the same swore on his mother and his own son. The thing was he was suppose to help his mom do some things,but he never showed up at his moms. So, she called me and asked if he was around. We got scared that he was hurt or in an accident. Turned out he was at his ex girlfriends house for the weekend. His sister informed me. So when he called me that monday he said he helped his mom do this and that. I asked for details. He then started the i swear on my mom and son. I said thats wierd cuz I talked to your mom and nobody saw you this weekend. I broke up with him right then and there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sorry4everything (Nov 23, 2010)

I am still in love with this woman. In fact I think I am more in love with her now. I called the POS that she was talking to the day I found out. I told him that I was going to beat him until he was just about dead then let him recover so I could do it again. He is a fat idiot and I am 6' 220# and he backed away very fast. I do check the cell bill, her email, facebook, etc. but really how hard is it to create another email? not very! I really believe that it is over with them and it will never happen again. I can read people pretty well, that is how I knew something was up. It was never physical between them and I believe it. I am trying to work through it and not dwell on the past. Please if anyone has anymore tips on how to get past it please help me out. Thanks so much for the replies.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

s4e
I get by with the belief and conformation that her affair has stopped. She is more affectionate and leaves her phone out, even turns in reciepts...work reciept indicating when she starts and when shes off. She never goes out. She constantly calls me, at least 3 or 4 times a day.She has completely given her self to me. She feels she needs to do this b/c people that care about each other are always texting and calling each other and tell each other everything. 

Point is I focus on that... every time the dark thought come in I force it out quick and replace it with the positive things my W is doing for me today.

Granted it would be hard if my chick was putting up walls and not bring my comfort level up. I'd would bail. I beleive in some way her loss of privacy is one of the consequences of her cheating and the great thing is she gets it.

This is why I believe its so important that it is up to the DS to help in healing... well forgiving. For me I just.. I just don't want to go back to the way things were. Its wierd my wife sees this as caring not controlling. For years I didn't give a dam about what she did I had my own agenda....
I'm getting off track here, you guys can fix this marraige, but if she is still being influence by force out side the marraige and you think you are all that and can do no wrong then your f*cked. Dont play the victum and she stop the blame game... the both of you come together with walls down completly.... you have a chance. But if she has walls up still you are both going no where fast.

So if she is helping you heal then look to that to get by. if she is not helping then you have only your self for help, but you have us for support. I think you know what I mean...


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