# Please help me



## Sakib010 (Jan 18, 2018)

My wife and I are 26, married for a year and a half and we have our first baby on the way.

When I first met her, she was in shape and happens to be 10/10 beautiful. She would probably be famous if she could sing. I wasn't interested though because she seemed to crave the attention and it annoyed me. 

Through the 4-5 years I knew her before getting with her, I saw her gain weight. I don't know how much, but it could have been 100 lbs. At the point we got together, she had pretty much lost it all. This time I was really into her because she would tell me about how she had grown spiritually and wanted a healthy life aligned with natural things. I noticed she had extra skin, and I didn't necessarily find that attractive but didn't think much of it, and aside from that she has a perfect face and even from the first time, I felt so much love in her embrace. 

Soon into our relationship I realized that for the first time I had a desire to have unprotected sex and even come inside her ~ I knew that she was the woman for me to marry. But our relationship had developed a serious problem. It turns out she had spent a lot of time dealing with eating disorders and body obsessions in her life before we were together, and they hadn't gone anywhere. She always asked me if I looked at other women and told me to tell her immediately if I ever did so. I told her no and tried to support her, but it seems like I just ended up hurting her and putting my foot in my mouth. When she talked about getting started with exercise, I told her I would be all over her (really just motivation) but she took that the wrong way, like that I want to be all over people in better physical shape. 

After things like that happened, she started resenting me and torturing me asking about every mutual woman we know, every body part of hers, checking my internet history for my entire life to see what porn I've watched, gone through every message on my phone and email, and continues to do so regularly. At one point, she was out of the country (she's from another country) and she hired a hacker to hack my Facebook and see how long I spent looking at pictures of women.

She found I was guilty of looking at women's pictures for longer than men's while I randomly added people on Facebook and got them to like my music page (that actually works btw, got like 600 likes in a few weeks). Also for some reason (probably the random friends or even her trying to set me up) there were a lot of weird ****ty girls groups I was randomly added to for some reason. 

Of the several notifications I got, I finally clicked one like wtf is this **** and why am I getting targeted, scrolled down, and clicked a video to see what the deal was. It was enough for her. To her I had lied and I am a liar now. We had to readdress the "looking at girls" conversation and I told her that I do not seek out other women, and I could have done a better job at that time while adding random ppl on fb, but I don't think it entirely unusual or unhealthy to acknowledge that there are other attractive people out there. I don't really know how I'm not supposed to. 

She was so mad and hurt that she told me she's not coming back and I'd never see her again unless I paid for her plastic surgery. After going through complete misery for months at rock botttom (I was so depressed and alone, I got a dwi and couldn't even drive and had no money) I actually saved 5k and she came back. She flew back on our first anniversary as scheduled before she left and instead of happy anniversary, I got notified that she would be moving out. 

I begged for her to stay and tried so hard to answer her questions about her body again and show her I thought she was beautiful. We decided to have a baby so that she could have that first before plastic surgery. She saved for her surgery with me while I paid the bills and now she has a cool 15k in the bank and I am still broke but managed to pay for our needs, my lawyer, and so on. 

Fast forward to today, she's 6 months pregnant and she thinks I am a liar, she accuses me of watching porn and masturbating and lives under the impression that I do, even though I have not once in this marriage. That's not new though, that happens all the time, like last Christmas or this morning for example. She swears that I do not find her physically attractive and that I must need some outlet for my sexuality. 

She says I go out and cheat on her every day by looking at other women. I avoid looking at other women so much though, on media and in real life. She'll never believe that nor care. She says that she feels ugly next to me and that other men make her feel sexy, and she is telling me practically daily that she is going to leave me for her soulmate that doesn't think other women are sexier than her. According to her, by noticing her extra skin, I must therefore think other women are sexier. I don't know what to do, she is in the other room crying right now and I am miserable all the time. 

She resents me so much and says I am to blame for her insecurities, and she says and does things to intentionally hurt me all the time. I even catch myself responding with the same behavior and try to stop myself because I want things to improve but it is so hard not to get sucked into it. It's like there's a devil inside her that wants to destroy us. She is not invested in the relationship and has not contributed at all since we have been married (the first year was because we were getting her visa straight). It is so hard for me to continue forward because I am so depressed. I want to stay sober but it is so hard for me to motivate myself when she doesn't seem to value me and my future looks so bleak. Yesterday she went and got a lease at another place and I am hurting so much. No matter what I say or do, she will not believe that she is sexy to me. The worst part is that she is such a beautiful woman, and now that she's pregnant she is looking better than ever, with my baby inside her <3 

We can't go out, watch a movie, or do anything, it is really messing up our lives and my job as a musician. Every time I go perform she resents me so much and it makes me resentful because she treats it like it's my play instead of work and doesn't care that it is supporting us. I left a big wedding band because they were playing for sorority parties and weddings and it was murdering us (and I had had enough of it)to play solo shows and teach. 

Now, it's a few months until she's due and she wants to take the baby to see her family in Europe. She doesn't even want me to go because she's afraid I will go out and meet people. But I want to meet her family and be near the baby. There is just a few months and I'm gonna have to scramble to get my ticket (she has hers) but my options are limited and I am stuck in a depressed rut.

A band offered that I fill in with them and make lots of money for the next several months but I know it will be more private parties and weddings because I know the entertainment agency that books them. Please help me, how to I help my wife love herself? The fact that she has saved for surgery doesn't help me now, and I really don't know what to do...I feel so sad seeing her cry and I try to reciprocate her resentment with kindness but she doesn't care. The reality is set in her mind and part of that reality is that I am a liar which leaves me helpless. It is so hard seeing my loved one cry and being totally helpless. 

Telling her she's sexy simply doesn't work because she doesn't believe me and telling her she's beautiful just gets the response that I'm using the word beautiful because I'm not referring to her physical self. Help! Now she spends her time finding quotes from guys about how they thought their wife looked the first time they had sex and sends them to me and cries and cries.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

She sounds aweful. Very insecure and taking it out on you. You can do better. Get a good attorney so you can have a good percentage of the custody of your child, and set yourself up in a good safe place to raise your child and a career with decent income potential and insurance benefits. You have to focus on taking care of yourself and your child. Your wife is a cinder block tied to your foot. Cut her loose.


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## Sakib010 (Jan 18, 2018)

Not that you shouldn't share your opinions ~ if you suggest separation, feel free to share. But I don't want to leave her, I want her to feel sexy and beautiful and whole. I am happy spending the rest of my life supporting her, because she really is astonishingly beautiful. Her personality is beautiful too, but she gets so evil when she's hurt. My problem is that I have said horrible things out of anger and insensitive things out of ignorance to her sensitivity and I can't take back what I said. She has never forgotten those things, though she forgets the context which really matters. I said she will never be able to look like another woman because I was so exasperated with her torture and I knew what would hurt her. But I also said that right after she said I was short and would never look as good as other men. I said a bartender looks better than her, but it was right after she called me gay. She constantly goes through the list of everything I have said or done that hurt her. It doesn't seem like one issue is resolved. It actually seems like she intentionally frames things as badly as possible, and opens the wounds constantly to make sure she doesn't forget. And I get mad when I feel I'm being criticized and belittled physically and I know it is because she wants to even the score.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Could you at least edit your post into paragraphs so we can read it? You will get a lot more answers if it's readable. 

Best


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

I didn't want to rub salt in the wounds, but yes your post is very hard to read. 

Sakib010-"But I also said that right after she said I was short and would never look as good as other men. I said a bartender looks better than her, but it was right after she called me gay. She constantly goes through the list of everything I have said or done that hurt her. It doesn't seem like one issue is resolved. It actually seems like she intentionally frames things as badly as possible, and opens the wounds constantly to make sure she doesn't forget. And I get mad when I feel I'm being criticized and belittled physically and I know it is because she wants to even the score." 

I apologize - you two sound like a perfect couple. Not so much. I appreciate that you love your wife and have been into her since she was a 10+. But it sounds like the woman you married, recently, has changed a lot since you fell for her back then and is now very, very insecure and mean. And taking it all out on you. You sound miserable my friend. You shouldn't have to live on eggshells afraid that someone pretty might be on TV, or drive past. And you shouldn't feel bad at all for wanting to be in good shape and go to the gym. You sound like a great guy.

I am all about commitment and long term relationship, and a personality and treatment of spouse is much more important and longer lasting than physical looks. But it sounds like she only had self esteem and a positive disposition back when she was in perfect shape. And that ship has sailed. You caught a falling knife.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

I wish there were full-page ads everywhere in the world that say "KIDS WONT SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM"
I cringe every time i hear someone decides to have a kid during a rocky stage of their life... like kids are a fixer... let me tell you, Kids will **** up your **** more than you can even imagine. 

My wife and I are closest friends and lovers... and our two kids pit us against each other far more than is normal. If we didnt have a strong foundation it would crumble to dust

*Would you delete your facebook profile? * Not sure what value it has since it causes so much anxiety in her... 

It wont get easier, as pregnancy is chalk full of hormones.

Also, put paragraphs between topics (like this ^^^) to increase readability and actually interest people in reading it.


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## Sakib010 (Jan 18, 2018)

Sorry y'all, for some reason that message got all messed up because I pasted it from the original text box I had written it in. Let me fix that and thank you so much for sharing. I already feel better just knowing someone knows my situation. As for the Facebook, I would delete it in a heartbeat if it would fix things, but I don't think it would solve the problem and I use Facebook to promote my live music and places that hire me look at it and expect me to post and share something.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She needs treatment. Is she getting treatment?


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## Sakib010 (Jan 18, 2018)

I'm so sorry for the poorly written original post, everyone. I may be mistaken (I'm new), but am I not allowed to edit posts? I'm not seeing the option and I did see in the regulations that I can't delete anything. She isn't getting treatment but we may be able to go. We went to two marriage therapy sessions but those 2 hours were $300 and I really don't have it like that. I can try to look for something cheaper though


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

Marriage therapy will most likely not help. She needs individual counseling. I could venture to guess that she may have borderline personality disorder, because that comes with such an intense fear of abandonment. Whatever it is, you cannot fix it yourself. She needs professional help.

In the meantime, stop making the same mistakes I made with my undiagnosed-BPD wife. STOP LIVING YOUR LIFE IN SHAME. Allow yourself to be a normal human ****ing being who sees people around him in public, male and female. Stop letting her cut off your relationships with the rest of the world, including your opportunities to better yourself (and as a result your wife herself and your child) financially. All you're doing together is contributing to your own emotional problems, enabling hers, and screwing yourselves both over financially and in terms of community/family support system.

She appears to have an expectation that you will derive your happiness from her, and only her, and nothing and no one else in the whole universe. That is an unrealistic and unhealthy expectation.

Also, I think you are being emotionally abused as she is extremely controlling with you. Hacking your Facebook, or even having intentions of doing so, is completely unacceptable in my opinion. 

You should insist that she get professional help. And if she is not willing, or if she tells you that you're the sicko and the problem is with you, then you need to divorce her. Don't make the same mistake I did, of trying to make this **** work for 15 years. IT NEVER GETS BETTER. After all those years of enduring her abuse and ridiculous accusations, mine cheated on ME, not the other way around.

@Uptown is our resident expert on BPD. I cannot speak for him, but if he wishes, he may give you some information on this complicated and difficult disorder.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

You deliberately and knowingly violated the most fundamental rule about relationships - "STAY AWAY FROM CRAZY!" You compounded that by deliberately having a child with her. You're screwed and not in a good way. You can work to try to fix her, but that rarely works. You have nothing but bad options now. Good luck. If you ever get out of this situation, remember to STAY AWAY FROM CRAZY.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long did you date her before you married her?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

This is not normal. At all. Your wife needs professional help in the form of a psychiatrist.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Sakib, I agree with @*Ghost* that the behaviors you describe, particularly the great fear of abandonment, are warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Specifically, the irrational jealousy, paranoia, controlling demands, temper tantrums, black-white thinking, impulsive (with eating), needing constant attention, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD. 

Significantly, I'm not suggesting your W has full-blown BPD. Only a professional can determine that. Rather, I'm suggesting she may be a "BPDer," i.e., a person who exhibits strong BPD traits which can make your life miserable regardless of whether they are so severe as to exceed the diagnostic threshold.



Sakib010 said:


> She started resenting me and torturing me asking about every mutual woman we know.


If your W is a BPDer, she is incapable of trusting you. A BPDer is so emotionally unstable -- and has such a weak sense of identity -- that she is incapable of trusting herself. Until a person learns how to trust herself, she cannot trust others who draw close to her. This means that all efforts to convince her of your love and loyalty are futile. 

This also means that, in early childhood, she never developed a strong sense of "object constancy." That is, she never learned that most people have a personality that is essentially unchanged from day to day. Moreover, a BPDer is filled with so much self loathing that, even when she is convinced that you love her AT THIS VERY MOMENT, she lives in fear that you will abandon her as soon as you realize how empty she is on the inside. This is why _"Difficulty trusting"_ and _"Efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment"_ are two of the nine defining symptoms that psychologists use in diagnosing full-blown BPD behavior. See 9 BPD Traits at NIMH.



> She hired a hacker to hack my Facebook and see how long I spent looking at pictures of women.


You seem to be describing paranoia here. _"Having stress-related paranoid thoughts"_ is another one of the nine defining traits for a pattern of BPD behavior.



> Through the 4-5 years I knew her before getting with her, I saw her gain weight... it could have been 100 lbs.... She had spent a lot of time dealing with eating disorders and body obsessions in her life before we were together, and they hadn't gone anywhere.


Another one of the 9 defining symptoms for BPD is "Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and *binge eating*." Moreover, the vast majority of BPDers suffer from one or more co-occurring clinical disorders. A recent American study of nearly 35,000 adults found that 81% of female full-blown BPDers suffer from an anxiety disorder. 

As to her "body obsessions," I observe that another one of the 9 defining BPD traits is "Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self." By the way, was your W ever sexually molested during childhood? I ask because it is common for women experiencing such a trauma to protect themselves by becoming obese. I doubt that they make a conscious decision to do this but, rather, find that they feel safer when they are heavy because fewer men are approaching them.



> To her I had lied and I am a liar now.... She says I go out and cheat on her every day by looking at other women.


BPDers can flip -- in less than a minute -- from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing you). And, an hour or a week later, they can flip back again just as quickly. These rapid flips arise from _"black-white thinking."_ 

Like a young child, a BPDer is too emotionally immature to be able to handle strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate). A BPDer therefore has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of close interpersonal relationships. You will see this same all-or-nothing behavior in a four year old who adores Daddy while he's bringing out the toys but, in a few seconds, will flip to hating Daddy when he takes one toy away.

She therefore will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. This B-W thinking also will be evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...." Your W, for example, claims that you cheat on her EVERY day and that you are ALWAYS lying. Because a BPDer's close friends eventually will be "split black," it is unusual for a BPDer to have really close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away).



> She found I was guilty of looking at women's pictures for longer than men's.


Similarly, my BPDer exW feared abandonment every time she caught me looking at a young woman for a full second instead of a half second. She even felt threatened when she would see me walking a few steps ahead of her on a crowded, narrow sidewalk. She misinterpreted this as a sign that I was embarrassed to be seen with her in pubic -- and, hence, I must be planning on leaving her soon.

If your W is a BPDer, she has a fear of abandonment that is so intense it will distort her perceptions of your intentions and motivations. This fear will manifest itself in such behavior as irrational jealousy. It also will be manifested as attempts to control your private life so as to isolate you away from attractive women. Indeed, because this need for control is so strong, a BPDer likely will view your desire to spend time with family members and close friends as your choosing THEM over HER. 



> I am happy spending the rest of my life supporting her, because she really is astonishingly beautiful. Her personality is beautiful too.


The vast majority of BPDers are high functioning people who generally are capable of being very affectionate and loving, albeit in the immature way that a young child is able to love. It is common for them to exhibit a warmth, emotional intensity, and purity of expression that otherwise is seen only in young children. This means that, like young children, they are very easy to fall in love with and very hard to walk away from. Indeed, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both exhibited full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct.



> She swears that I do not find her physically attractive.... No matter what I say or do, she will not believe that she is sexy to me.


Because a BPDer has such a weak self identity, she has extremely weak (or nonexistent) personal boundaries. That is, it is very hard for her to realize where HER own feelings/problems leave off and YOUR feelings/problems begin. The result is that her subconscious will frequently project her painful thoughts and feelings onto YOU. 

Because this projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, she will be absolutely convinced (at the conscious level) that her own feelings/thoughts are originating from YOU. This is why, when you're with a BPDer, you oftentimes can tell what she is thinking by simply observing the things she is accusing you of doing or feeling.



> According to her, by noticing her extra skin, I must therefore think other women are sexier. I don't know what to do, she is in the other room crying right now and I am miserable all the time.


This is a good example of subconscious projection. Because your W feels strongly that her extra skin makes her ugly, and because she often mistakes her own feelings for YOUR feelings, she believes that you are the source of the problem. 

Significantly, BPD and most other personality disorders are "_egosyntonic_." This means that the person's behaviors, values, and feelings are in harmony with or acceptable to the needs and goals of the ego, or consistent with her ideal self-image. This is why PDs generally are invisible to the vast majority of folks suffering from them (i.e., to the high functioning PD sufferers). Hence, if your W is a BPDer, she likely _believes_ the outrageous allegations coming out of her mouth.



> She gets so evil when she's hurt.


If your W is a BPDer, she carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that will TRIGGER a release of anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a hissy fit in less than a minute -- oftentimes in only ten seconds -- over minor actions or comments. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.



> I was so depressed and alone.


Sakib, if you really have been married to a BPDer for 18 months, consider yourself lucky that you're only feeling _"depressed."_ Because BPDers typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths. 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the _one most notorious _for making many of the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning. 



> She resents me so much and says I am to blame for her insecurities.


If your W is a BPDer, she has a powerful need to portray herself as a victim. BPDers have such unstable, weak egos that they often feel like they don't know who they really are. To the extent they have a lasting self identity, it is the false self image of being "The Victim," always "The Victim." A BPDer therefore will keep a death grip on that false self image, refusing to let it go.

This means that you will be allowed to play only two roles: that of "The Rescuer" and "The Perpetrator." Significantly, both of those roles "validate" her false self image of being "The Victim" because, if she were not a victim, you wouldn't be trying so hard to rescue her (during courtship) or to persecute her (after the wedding).

If your W has mild to moderate BPD traits, you can improve your relationship by validating her feelings, i.e., by making it clear that you recognize her feelings are very real and she will be held accountable only for her actions, not her feelings. Yet, if she has strong BPD traits, all the validation in the world won't make much difference until the BPDer has had several years of intensive therapy. 



> She has never forgotten those things, though she forgets the context which really matters.


To "validate" her false image of being "The Victim," a BPDer typically will maintain a mental list of every one of your infractions and mistakes (real or imagined). And she will not hesitate to pull out the ENTIRE list to prove her point in the most minor of disagreements. The result is that, when you are trying to reach agreement on a trivial issue, there is a good chance she will cite some mistake you made four years ago to strengthen her case. My exW, for example, would not hesitate to cite something I had done 15 years earlier.

As to your W _"forgetting the context," _this is so common among BPDers that the abused partners have given it a name: "rewriting history." As noted earlier, the BPDer's inability to regulate her own emotions results in her experiencing feelings so intense that they distort her perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations. When you give her an expensive gift, for example, a BPDer may perceive your intentions as being generous and loving -- but perceive them a week later as a deliberate effort to manipulate her into doing something you sorely want.



> She told me she's not coming back and I'd never see her again unless I paid for her plastic surgery.


Did it ever occur to you that she may have never intended to use the savings for plastic surgery? Instead, it may simply be an excuse to accumulate $15,000 in her savings account. 



> Now, it's a few months until she's due and she wants to take the baby to see her family in Europe. She doesn't even want me to go.


Is she intending to travel before or after giving birth? I ask because, if your baby is born in her home country, it will become a citizen there and you likely will be unable to retrieve your baby if your W decides to stay there. Even if she takes the baby after it has been born, it could be nearly impossible to get your son/daughter back. I mention this because your W has $15,000 in the bank, has already purchased the airline ticket, has told you not to travel with her, and has already threatened that _"She's not coming back"_ if you don't give her $5,000.



> Please help me, how to I help my wife love herself?


If your W actually does suffer from strong traits of BPD, there is no way for you to fix it. Indeed, a team of psychologists cannot fix it unless the patient is strongly motivated to fix herself. I therefore suggest that, if you are determine to remain in the marriage, you consult with a psychologist -- for a visit or two _all by yourself_ -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is that you are dealing with. 

I agree with *Ghost* that, if strong BPD traits exist, _"Marriage therapy will most likely not help."_ Indeed, my experience is that it would be a total waste of money until the BPDer has had several years of individual therapy. I thus also agree with @*MattMatt*, @*MJJEAN*, and *Ghost* that your W should seek therapy -- ideally from a psychologist or psychiatrist -- if her BPD symptoms are strong.

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your ex fiancé exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," verbal abuse, cold withdrawal, and temper tantrums.

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your W's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- and may help you decide whether to spend money seeking a professional opinion.

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_ to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to join *Ghost* and the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Sakib.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

Your wife needs professional help not marriage counseling. I went through a similar phase of accusing my husband of being unfaithful. Even the most minute things are evidence of infidelity. Unfortunately it’s not something you can do to change your wife. She has to realize she needs help. 

I understand that you may have said mean things to her out of frustration. My H was frustrated that no matter how much he reassured me of his love and devotion I would still think he was in love with someone else. It came to a point where I almost lost him that I had to take steps to stop doing what I was doing - seeing ghosts and destroying our marriage. Fortunately I had prior knowledge of mental health issues. Your wife on the other hand doesn’t sound like she’s aware of what harm her actions are causing or is aware of her emotions. 

I believe her deep insecurities were created in childhood and she needs to work on identifying them and working on them. Love is a Choice is a great book to help her understand the unhealthy relationships she has had in her life that might have created the insecurities she has. 

Unfortunately she needs to understand she needs help and to seek that help. As her husband you can try to understand her and be patient, but sometimes it takes losing that person to understand what you had and that you need to change. 

All the best.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Sakib010 said:


> My wife and I are 26, married for a year and a half and we have our first baby on the way.
> 
> When I first met her, she was in shape and happens to be 10/10 beautiful. She would probably be famous if she could sing. I wasn't interested though because she seemed to crave the attention and it annoyed me.
> 
> ...




- She sounds like another woman with mental and body issues that she never addressed and got help for.


- She basically did nothing and dumped them on you.


- Everything you do, in her eyes, is wrong because she is insecure, has mental and physical issues that she's never dealt with.


- It doesn't matter how you approach this. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.


- There has been nothing stopping her from getting the mental and physical help she needs. She is stopping herself and blaming you.


- Most guys do view porn from time to time and relive themselves when their women aren't in the mood. This is nothing new and all women know this.


- She also has trust issues from her past. If you want to go out and chat with people, socialize, there's nothing wrong with that. 


- In a healthy relationship, hubby and wifee trust each other. Controlling like this is very unhealthy.


- I would of warned you beforehand, not to get involved with this woman until she takes care of her issues.



- A former coworker of mine started dating a real hottie, just like your wife. She got pregnant to get this guy and turns out, he can't chat with other ladies or look either. She is very controlling and insecure. I can't even joke about this with him if she's nearby. And she is a hottie 10 / 10. He wishes he could of warned himself before he started dating her........


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Sakib010 said:


> Not that you shouldn't share your opinions ~ if you suggest separation, feel free to share. But I don't want to leave her, I want her to feel sexy and beautiful and whole. I am happy spending the rest of my life supporting her, because she really is astonishingly beautiful.


Let me guess. 

She's the hottest looking woman you've ever been 'lucky' enough to attract (and you likely 'got' her only because she's emotionally damaged) and you know you'll never score another 'hot' one like her. So you cling to her like grim death.

You see this nonsense all the time. Barely average looking men clinging to pretty women and allowing themselves to be treated like **** because they're so grateful to get a pretty one.

You would't be the first fool to do this, and you won't be the last.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Sakib: you seem to be stuck on the broken woman you are clinching for dear life; what you do not see is that you come out as a weak, pathetic, guy that deep down is himself broken.

A guy that most probably think that you could never do better, so here you are in anguish, for a woman that treats you like ****, but you are still there, clinching to her, marrying her, having a kid with her.

My advice to you: cut the crap, grow a pair, gain some confidence in yourself, and become a man that would not take crap from any one, specially crazy broken women like the one you are so desperately trying to keep.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

All aboard the crazy train! You my friend, are headed for Crazytown.

This is not normal behaviour...she hacks your FB? Goes through your phone and emails??? Wtf? How can you not be allowed to talk to women? We're 50% of the population!

Why on earth would you put up with this?? And why in God's name would you have a baby with her????


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

@Sakib,
Uptown has told you what is likely wrong with your wife and what she needs to see a professional to get help with.
Now for you. You are Codependent and acting like a doormat, letting your wife treat you horribly and putting up with it. There is no external beauty in the world that can beautify a rotten inside. 

I will almost guarantee you that if your wife leaves the country, and takes your child, to go back to Europe you will likely never see either one of them again. You need to file for divorce and get away from this trainwreck of a woman. Make sure you secure your child's passport away from your wife until your custody orders are final, or she will disappear with your kid and you will be near helpless to do anything about it. See an IC about your codependency, you need it. She has removed your self-worth through her mental abuse of you.


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