# WS in Affair with a single person



## tpdallas (Aug 28, 2015)

I joined this site, not for me, but to help a sister and niece going through depression over an impending divorce.


Oftentimes I may come off rough, but that is my youth, perhaps. 

I have acquired good resources here. I am really worried about my niece. She doesn't eat regularly and when I noticed she bit all of her nails to dangerous levels I took her for a weekend and she confided some things to me, chiefly, she's glad the divorce is happening, she didn't see her parents as a good fit for each other.

But my question, is it worse when a WS is in an affair with a single person? Meaning there is no other spouse to tell? Or does that even matter.

I think my brother in law fell in love with his coworker because she seemed "better" than he thought he could get. 

I looked the woman up on Google. She's 42, single, no children, highly educated, career-oriented. Her Twitter account is full of photos of her with friends, dressed up, giving speeches, getting awards, giving awards, but no men to speak of. 

I saw them together at an event. One of my friends cornered me, "why the hell did he introduce her as his girlfriend?"

Some people didn't know my sister was even separated.

What really pissed me off was he gave me a glowing smile and I walked off. He asked me in the buffet line why did I look so angry?

I cried for my sister that night. He acts like everything is okay.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

I am glad you're there for your sister and niece. 

I work with children, and the only thing I can tell you is that your niece is very hurt due to her parents separation/ divorce. She will need professional help. I hope she gets it. IMO, She is hurt and that is why she says her parents are not a good match. All children want mom and dad together and that hardly ever goes away til maybe adulthood when they have their own family and are mature enough to realize that sometimes parents are better off living separately.

Your soon to be X brother in law is extremely selfish and clueless of the harm he is causing the family he left behind. It's part of their defense mechanisms. Doesn't excuse them but it's understandable because they are human.

I'm glad you didn't bother being nice to him. His behavior is unexcusable to the people he hurt. Nobody has to fake what they don't feel because this person thinks he has a right to his happiness over others unhappiness. 

Glad you're here for your family,

Bibi


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Sounds like he was trying to rub it in your face. I would have smiled and told him I wouldn't pi$$ on him if he were on fire.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

He acts like everything is OK because what's the alternative? Facing that fact that he's a piece of ****? He does not want to do that.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

tpdallas

I don't think it's worse if the AP is married or single, infidelity hurts badly to everyone involved. Maybe trying to break up the affair is more difficult because the AP is single but the pain is the same. That being said, you can cause your brother in law to be not so smug if you choose. If the AP is career oriented and gets awards and gives speeches you can taint her image badly. 

If you have or create a twitter account you can post why she is dating a married man. A man with a family and that their relationship is the cause of the destruction to her boyfriends marriage. If she is speaking for a company and getting awards and career oriented, then that person is very protective of their image. You could destroy that image which in turn could destroy her career. Just something to think about. 

So maybe you don't have a spouse to tell but if it's a workplace affair has anyone thought to notify the employer? They may have a policy against employees dating. If one is the boss of the other it could be sexual harassment. There are endless ways to take that little glowing smile from his face, it just depends on whether or not you wish to do so. Now me personally, I would forever take that smile off his face and post on every social media account she has. When she deletes it, post it again, if she blocks you create a new account. But at a minimum, I would have it posted on her social media for at least two weeks. I would create at least ten spare social media accounts to be ready to repost each time she blocks you. But that's me. 

Also, I would get your niece into therapy as soon as possible. She appears to be struggling with this greatly. Best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

It's a trade off. With a single AP there is no other spouse or kids to get hurt, no other lives to ruin. But with a married AP, you potentially have something to keep the POS away from your spouse, either the other spouse or the fear of getting caught. For NUMEROUS reasons I choose not to expose the POSOM to his live in girlfriend. But the fear and threat of me doing so made him run for the hills never to be heard from again. That doesn't happen with single APs. There are a lot of other differences but either way your spouse is still the one responsible and it still hurts the same.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

HarryDoyle said:


> It's a trade off. With a single AP there is no other spouse or kids to get hurt, no other lives to ruin. But with a married AP, you potentially have something to keep the POS away from your spouse, either the other spouse or the fear of getting caught. For NUMEROUS reasons I choose not to expose the POSOM to his live in girlfriend. But the fear and threat of me doing so made him run for the hills never to be heard from again. That doesn't happen with single APs. There are a lot of other differences but either way your spouse is still the one responsible and it still hurts the same.




Um, can we get a different trade off please, this one is not to my liking. >
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

tpdallas,

Actually what you wrote, *I looked the woman up on Google. She's 42, single, no children, highly educated, career-oriented. Her Twitter account is full of photos of her with friends, dressed up, giving speeches, getting awards, giving awards, but no men to speak of.*

What a perfect OW for full exposure, this is a person who is very concerned with public image, think Bill Cosby, wants to be perfect.

I would expose to everyone on her linkedin, facebook, church, charitable organizations, professional organizations, work contacts, family, friends etc.

Get to work do not warn threaten or delay, get the exposure going in parallel hit her hard and completely. Your Niece is worth the effort.

Tamat


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Infidelity hurts no matter whether the other person is married or not. Exposing to someone is no guarantee to get a spouse back, and who the f*ck wants them back anyway when they clearly do not want the marriage anymore. 

If you have to expose to get a spouse away from their affair partner, they aren't worth the effort. Plus, you end up looking like a desperate fool. 

It also makes everything that much worse for the kids who have to be part of the escalating conflict due to exposure, not to mention the exposure itself can hurt them, such as in the case of a working dad who gets fired and has no money for alimony and child support. You can't expose just one person in a cheating couple.


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## tpdallas (Aug 28, 2015)

I got more info from people I know.

1. They don't have a company policy against dating or marrying. As long as the person does not report to you, you can date. They even have married and dating couples now. 

2. I tried to expose her a bit, by mentioning to someone that she broke up my sisters marriage. That person was somewhat defensive of her, because she is viewed as really sweet and people seem happy to see she found someone.

I'm like, what da faq?

Just because you are a do gooder, we have to excuse your bad deeds?

Like he drank a lot, beat his wife and dabbled in child porn, but he gave me a car so I could get back and forth to work.

Frankly, I don't want to be associated with the woman. 

In our family and social circle, cheating is not tolerated. Once you find out there is cheating, we expect you to divorce and look at you funny like you deserve what you get if you stay. 

Even if my sister wanted to make it work, there is shame and embarrassment associated with putting up that f*ckery. Will I be kicked out for language? Sorry, I said I was pretty young and unpolished.

3. I think my sister has been demonized. I know I am not in their marriage, everyone had ups and downs. But I think folks think my sister did something to poor ole BIL and she deserved to get left. 

4. People know they are together. The event I saw them at where he introduced her as his girlfriend, was I guess their coming out party.

5. I am not bitter because my sister is getting a divorce. I am bitter that she found out the way she did and that BIL didn't just man up and not have been a coward by living a double life.

If you want to be with someone else then fine. But end your current relationship first. But I guess this is the coward way and you can't be selfish if you do that.

Thanks for the comments. 

I told my sister about the forum and told her to join. She rolled her eyes, which is so her. 

She not ready for this yet. Honestly she's not the type to do any forum.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

TAMAT said:


> tpdallas,
> 
> Actually what you wrote, *I looked the woman up on Google. She's 42, single, no children, highly educated, career-oriented. Her Twitter account is full of photos of her with friends, dressed up, giving speeches, getting awards, giving awards, but no men to speak of.*
> 
> ...


I don't understand how that will help. It may drive the OW away, but I assume that your sister will still divorce her WH and your niece will still grow up in a broken home.

Am I missing something?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

tpdallas,

You wrote, 2. *I tried to expose her a bit, by mentioning to someone that she broke up my sisters marriage. That person was somewhat defensive of her, because she is viewed as really sweet and people seem happy to see she found someone.*

That's why you never expose a little, you hit them everywhere all at once, destroying a family is more of a crime than robbing a bank where nobody gets hurt, only money is lost. We publish the names of bank robbers how much more so should we expose homewreckers. 

It's about telling the truth about what happened to your sister and most of all her daughter, when you write the exposure letter be sure to refer to your BIL as Marys Dad or whomever. 

That many people want to believe nowadays that someone who is cheated on is somehow defective is unfortunate, but it should not deter you from exposure.

Please do your Niece the favor of preventing this OW from ever becoming her "step Mother" and having to suffer time with her.

Tamat


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

tpdallas said:


> I joined this site, not for me, but to help a sister and niece going through depression over an impending divorce.
> 
> 
> Oftentimes I may come off rough, but that is my youth, perhaps.
> ...


He thinks most people are like him. They take what they can get and they jump ship if they think a bigger ship comes along. To him everyone should understand. Well that's exactly why your sis is lucky he's jumped ship because he has not loyalty or character. Those are foreign to him so much that he doesn't understand why anyone things he's a jackasre.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

sidney,


You wrote, *I don't understand how that will help. It may drive the OW away, but I assume that your sister will still divorce her WH and your niece will still grow up in a broken home.*

Anything which drives the OW away is worth doing, even if it only keeps his Niece from having to endure that womans company. 

The other point, of many, is that the WH will not come back while he is with the OW. The exposure destroys their ability to claim legitimacy for their relationship, and creates conflict between the affair partners. 

From what was written this sounds like a woman very concerned with appearances and her reputation.

It also teaches the Niece not to lay down in the face of an assault!

Tamat


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

TAMAT said:


> That many people want to believe nowadays that someone who is cheated on is somehow defective is unfortunate, but it should not deter you from exposure.


That's not her decision to make since it will be her _sister _that will suffer from that kind of exposure, and it is her _sister _that will have to deal with people looking at her or treating her like she's defective. I assume it won't be too much fun for her _niece_, either, to have everyone looking at her with pity.


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## tpdallas (Aug 28, 2015)

TAMAT said:


> tpdallas,
> 
> You wrote, 2. *I tried to expose her a bit, by mentioning to someone that she broke up my sisters marriage. That person was somewhat defensive of her, because she is viewed as really sweet and people seem happy to see she found someone.*
> 
> ...


I do like the advice to refer to him as my niece's dad.


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