# Are men depressed when it's over or happy?



## finallyover (May 22, 2011)

I've been casually dating a guy who has been legally separated and living apart from his ex for 3 years, and his divorce is finally final. It was a very ugly divorce and he was very moody and unpredictable during this time. He seemed calm but a bit sad when we had dinner the night the divorce became final. I haven't heard from him since that day and it's been about one week which is very weird because we talk several times throughout the week. We're both professionals with demading jobs and we both have children. I have one child and he has three. Wishing to get some opinions on whether he might be depressed and I should continue giving him his space or if he might be trying to tell me something with his silence? Thanks for any help. Very sad about the turn of events.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Depends. But you have to understand that he married her and loved her even though it didn't work out. Hate to be so straightforward but you are not as important to him right now because he wasn't over his marriage. Always a danger dating a guy or gal too soon. Plus, being a rebound sucks.

Give him time, but imo, you'd be better off moving on. If later after he has figured out himself wrt the marriage, try again. But for now, his marriage will be a problem for the relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

They don't even know what they feel. I was dating my husban for 3 years while he was going through a contentious divorce. I had never married and while I was understanding through all of the mishaps and missteps by him and the wife, when it was final I made my needs known.To be married was what was best for me and not him. Two years later and he has left the building. Would I do it again, hellz yeah...I did what was best for me, and I got what I wanted. It just didn't last ;o( But I will be fine with this too. Your friend is out sowing his oats of freedom. It all depends on what you want out of life and your friendship with him.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Men are probably the same as women are. We may be two different sexes, but we're all human beings and we hurt when we go through something like this regardless of the circumstances.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

I think that he should be talking to you if he cares for you. You should not assume anything in this situation. I have seen too many times someone basing a decision on wrong assumptions and things turn out bad for no reason. I would talk to him whenever he is ready to open up. Maybe it is not what u think. On the other hand, it is wrong of him to not have at least asked u to give him sime time and not just go no contact with you; that is certainly not a reaction from someone who cares for you. But i would get the facts first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It's like dealing with any other death. There is a mourning process even after an awful marriage. He'll work through it.


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## finallyover (May 22, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> Depends. But you have to understand that he married her and loved her even though it didn't work out. Hate to be so straightforward but you are not as important to him right now because he wasn't over his marriage. Always a danger dating a guy or gal too soon. Plus, being a rebound sucks.
> 
> Give him time, but imo, you'd be better off moving on. If later after he has figured out himself wrt the marriage, try again. But for now, his marriage will be a problem for the relationship.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You think I'm still considered a rebound even though we've been dating for 3 years?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## finallyover (May 22, 2011)

hesnothappy said:


> They don't even know what they feel. I was dating my husban for 3 years while he was going through a contentious divorce. I had never married and while I was understanding through all of the mishaps and missteps by him and the wife, when it was final I made my needs known.To be married was what was best for me and not him. Two years later and he has left the building. Would I do it again, hellz yeah...I did what was best for me, and I got what I wanted. It just didn't last ;o( But I will be fine with this too. Your friend is out sowing his oats of freedom. It all depends on what you want out of life and your friendship with him.


I do love him but not sure what this silence is about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## finallyover (May 22, 2011)

DelinquentGurl said:


> Men are probably the same as women are. We may be two different sexes, but we're all human beings and we hurt when we go through something like this regardless of the circumstances.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for your opinion. Hope he knows he can talk to me like he always has!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## finallyover (May 22, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> I think that he should be talking to you if he cares for you. You should not assume anything in this situation. I have seen too many times someone basing a decision on wrong assumptions and things turn out bad for no reason. I would talk to him whenever he is ready to open up. Maybe it is not what u think. On the other hand, it is wrong of him to not have at least asked u to give him sime time and not just go no contact with you; that is certainly not a reaction from someone who cares for you. But i would get the facts first.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He's gone "quiet" on me for a few days before, but this is the longest he's done it for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## finallyover (May 22, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> It's like dealing with any other death. There is a mourning process even after an awful marriage. He'll work through it.


Do you think continuing to give him space is good and just wait for him to reach out, or should I reach out?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

What do you want from this man at this time? If you only want to talk and you pose no threat to his new status, then relay that to him and do not pressure him into making any new decisions. If you want more and think you are ready for a committment from him, then you may have to ask who you love more...him or YOU.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Tell him you love him and you're there if he needs to talk, then carry-on. Expect that his emotions are going to be a little freaky for a while and try to not read too much into them; try not to be threatened by them; try not to assume these oddball moods are a clear indication of who he "really" is. People aren't at their best when dealing with divorce. He probably needs your patience now more than anything else. In a perfect world, he would have cleared up his old mess first, learned and grown from it, before embarking on a new relationship. That didn't happen, so you two are trying to dance when the floor still has broken furniture and dead bodies laying around. I expect there to be some stumbling and awkward moments.


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

Some people take a long time to get over a relationship and especially a marriage if they've been married for any extended period of time.

Probably the completion of the divorce finally sank in and he's going through an emotion trauma. If you were going through a roller coaster relationship while he was separated, then he still had some hopes of a reconciliation.

Unfortunately you were the leaning post, the shoulder to cry on, the standby if you will. I don't mean to say this to be hurtful, but I've been there, done that.

The ray of hope is that if you've been there for him and been very supportive of his needs. Chances are once he gets over this feeling, he may come right back to you.

Let just say that YOU have the first shot at it. Hang in there for a while longer and see where it takes you. Don't give up just yet.

I'd give it a couple of months and if nothing changes, then go on your way. There may be the trauma stage, the crying stage, the denial stage and hatred stage .. and then he'll be over it.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Does he have children? Maybe he is trying to be around them more for now. Like kauaiguy said, give him some time. Then if nothing happens, move on. It is really tough. My daughter came over today to talk to her mother. Mend relationships. I have not cried during my whole ordeal but when i saw her today heartbroken and crying when she was leaving and saying bye go me, i broke down a little bit. So it comein waves. When reality hits things seem to be more real, harder to handle. Give him some time. You can try to reach out to him but dont smother him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How long was he separated for before you started dating?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

The next relationship is always the rebound, even if it eventually works.
Q though. What were the circumstances of him going missing before?
Does he drink? 

People who go missing in a relationship make unreliable partners. One thing to say you need space, another to disappear. Think about if you want to put up with that **** and tell him that while you get the mourning period, you will not accept the disrespect and disregard for your feelings that his hurtful behavior conveys.

If you keep putting up with it. He will keep doing it.

Good luck.

Ya know,.a note through the post is a pretty low key way to tell him you are concerned at his silence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## finallyover (May 22, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> Does he have children? Maybe he is trying to be around them more for now. Like kauaiguy said, give him some time. Then if nothing happens, move on. It is really tough. My daughter came over today to talk to her mother. Mend relationships. I have not cried during my whole ordeal but when i saw her today heartbroken and crying when she was leaving and saying bye go me, i broke down a little bit. So it comein waves. When reality hits things seem to be more real, harder to handle. Give him some time. You can try to reach out to him but dont smother him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes he has children and I have a child too.


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## finallyover (May 22, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> How long was he separated for before you started dating?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He was separated for about 3 months when we started dating but I knew him for 2 years as a friend prior to that.


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## finallyover (May 22, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> The next relationship is always the rebound, even if it eventually works.
> Q though. What were the circumstances of him going missing before?
> Does he drink?
> 
> ...


I wouldn't necessarily say he goes "missing" - sometimes we don't talk for a day or two. That was normal because we both are professionals with VERY demanding jobs and he has 3 kids that he shares joint and physical custody of. But for us to not speak for one week now is unusual.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

My now H missed one day chatting without prearrangement our dating period. Both professionals, both with children. While I think it is unnecessary to talk every day, to not at least drop a short email is unusual in this day of easy communication.

Being a professional and having children is an excuse, not a reason.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

I agree with CC. Out of concern and respect for your feelings a quick note should be the least he could do. I think a week with NC is too long.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## finallyover (May 22, 2011)

Thanks to everyone for all of the opinions, please keep them coming because they really help.

I just want to point out that we started dating seriously, and then after about 1.5 years we decided to make it a more casual thing when the divorce started getting ugly and he was very stressed out. So I wouldn't say we are in a relationship. He's gone on dates with 2 other women this past year and I've gone out with one another guy on 2 or 3 dates. I don't like it too much but I think it's good for him to date other women so he can find out what he really wants so I encourage it. I want him to be sure. And in spite of this, I do believe that he does love me. He's just a mess right now.

I understand in the beginning that it must be difficult as my friend was married for over 10 years. What I also don't understand is if a couple is separated and living apart for a few years and they clearly don't want to get back together and want the divorce, what exactly is it that would make them sad or depressed once the divorce is final? I've never been married or divorced so it's hard for me to understand that part of it as I thought they would have grown used to the fact that they're no longer together?


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## finallyover (May 22, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> My now H missed one day chatting without prearrangement our dating period. Both professionals, both with children. While I think it is unnecessary to talk every day, to not at least drop a short email is unusual in this day of easy communication.
> 
> Being a professional and having children is an excuse, not a reason.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But, there are times I do it too for a day or so. Am I also wrong?


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## finallyover (May 22, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> I agree with CC. Out of concern and respect for your feelings a quick note should be the least he could do. I think a week with NC is too long.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree. But couldn't he say the same about me? I haven't reached out either.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Have you dated others? 

If not, I would encourage it. He isn't serious about you. And why should he be? You don't require it to be with him. I mean, 3 years and you aren't in a relationship? It went backward. That isn't promising,.is it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

finallyover said:


> He was separated for about 3 months when we started dating but I knew him for 2 years as a friend prior to that.


Were you in any way involved with he and his wife's separation?


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## finallyover (May 22, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> Have you dated others?
> 
> If not, I would encourage it. He isn't serious about you. And why should he be? You don't require it to be with him. I mean, 3 years and you aren't in a relationship? It went backward. That isn't promising,.is it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, I have dated others as I wrote above in a different post and I encouraged him to do so as well. He wasn't in the frame of mind to meet ANY woman's needs with what he was going through and I still don't think he's ready to do so as he told me very plainly that he feels like he let his family down and he feels like a failure. I understand he needs time. I'm just a bit thrown off about the no contact since the divorce papers came in.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Contact - were you waiting for him each day? Never initiating? My personal opinion is to share responsibility for communication and everything.g else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Move on. Really.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## finallyover (May 22, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Were you in any way involved with he and his wife's separation?


No not at all. I actually encouraged him to stay but he didn't listen to me. I could tell he still cared a little, but deep inside I felt that she didn't love HIM anymore. I thought that maybe the little care that I knew he still felt but wouldn't admit to could save their marriage but he insisted on leaving. My own parents have been married almost 50 years so I believe in sticking things through if possible.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

How can you encourage him to stay if you weren't already involved?
EA? Seems llke it

Don't deny your culpability. 

Move on. You helped the demise of his marriage. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## finallyover (May 22, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> Contact - were you waiting for him each day? Never initiating? My personal opinion is to share responsibility for communication and everything.g else.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I never initiate contact anymore. When we were serious I did and I did often. Since I suggested we back away from a more serious relationship since he was so stressed out with the divorce, I told him I would not initiate contact anymore. I give him a lot of room and space. He is ALWAYS the one to initiate contact. Sometimes its everyday, sometimes it's every other day.


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## finallyover (May 22, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> How can you encourage him to stay if you weren't already involved?
> EA?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I guess you missed the post where I said we were friends before. Somehow I feel like you're being condescending and I'm really not here for that. I'm really hurting and don't need that at this time. If I'm mistaken then please pardon my misunderstanding.


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## finallyover (May 22, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> How can you encourage him to stay if you weren't already involved?
> EA? Seems llke it
> 
> Don't deny your culpability.
> ...


Oh boy. Thanks for your suggestions. I will communicate going forward with people who aren't falsely and unknowingly accusing me of uncharacteristic behavior which I'd never participate in. Goodbye, ClipClop, best wishes.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

You were friends Wth a marred man, tu didn't believe she cared for him and you ended up involved.
Sorry. This is where I quit. You already had feelings for him. That is where, if you actually cared about his marriage and him, you would ahave bowed out.


I see too many people hurt by "just friends".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## finallyover (May 22, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> You were friends Wth a marred man, tu didn't believe she cared for him and you ended up involved.
> Sorry. This is where I quit. You already had feelings for him. That is where, if you actually cared about his marriage and him, you would ahave bowed out.
> 
> 
> ...


Then stop posting in my thread if you quit - you don't have to keep saying anything. I didn't come here to discuss why and how we were friends. I came to ask whether I should reach out because he might be depressed. 

Thanks to everyone who took the time to post - I hope to hear more thoughts.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

finallyover said:


> No not at all. I actually encouraged him to stay but he didn't listen to me. I could tell he still cared a little, but deep inside I felt that she didn't love HIM anymore.


I am just trying to get a feel for where your boyf's head is/was at in the beginning and where it's at now, based on the history between you two.

You said he was married and you were friends with him for two years prior to his separation. It's clear he confided in you about their marriage being that you mentioned you encouraged him to stay but he did not listen to you and you felt she didn't love him and he "insisted on leaving." Then you started dating him 3 months post-separation. From the outside looking in, it does seem like there was a conflict of interest, being that you were his friend, advised him to stay married, and later got involved in a romantic relationship w/ him very soon after he and his wife split. If he had feelings for you and left his marriage because of that, he could view you as part reason for his divorce and maybe now he is pulling back once he realizes how this could have contributed to and/or hindered any chance of reconciliation with his wife. Or not. 

Question: does he and/or his wife view you as being any way involveed with the reason they divorced?

You asked a few pages back whether you may be the rebound relationship. In my opinion, yes. The reason for that is he hasn't been single in the entire 3 yrs you were dating him until very recently. Also, if your relationship with him has been very casual the entire time, then it could be he saw you as a fling, a crutch to get him through his hard divorce.

As for your original question, yes, men and woman alike can be depressed at the end of a marriage. It could be he was busying himself with other things in his life during the time he was going through the divorce but now the finality of it has hit him and he's assessing his life, where he went wrong in the marriage, what this life-changing event means and does do his life. Getting divorced is a VERY traumatic experience that most therapists equate with losing a loved one through death. It changes your entire world, lifestyle, your security, what you have come to know as your stability.

If he is being distant, I say give him space. When he comes back around, discuss w/ him about how you feel and ask him what/where he is at. Then you can assess your relationship with him based on your talk with him and decide whether its best to continue with him or to move on.


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## finallyover (May 22, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I am just trying to get a feel for where your boyf's head is/was at in the beginning and where it's at now, based on the history between you two.
> 
> You said he was married and you were friends with him for two years prior to his separation. It's clear he confided in you about their marriage being that you mentioned you encouraged him to stay but he did not listen to you and you felt she didn't love him and he "insisted on leaving." Then you started dating him 3 months post-separation. From the outside looking in, it does seem like there was a conflict of interest, being that you were his friend, advised him to stay married, and later got involved in a romantic relationship w/ him very soon after he and his wife split. If he had feelings for you and left his marriage because of that, he could view you as part reason for his divorce and maybe now he is pulling back once he realizes how this could have contributed to and/or hindered any chance of reconciliation with his wife. Or not.
> 
> ...


Yes, when he left, we did start dating about the 3rd month. He was very, very persistent in pursuing me after he left. I did have an idea that he might have started being attracted to me, but I tossed it off as him justbeing grateful to have someone to talk with. I was wanting companionship but nothing serious so I gave him a chance. 

I don't think he thinks I caused problems for him; I couldn't have, because I really was encouraging him to try and work it out, and they had serious issues before I even met and became friends with him.

We were not casual at all. We were very serious for about 1.5 years. We started having issues because of his mood swings and after a huge fight that started because he called me commitment phobic, we broke up and took a 2 month break. We started seeing each other again, but decided not to be so serious because we both felt he wasn't in a place to meet all of my emotional needs. And, as I mentioned, I encouraged him to date othher women since he went straight from college to being married. I wasn't threatened because I know what we share.

But maybe you're right and he does feel resentful towards me.

Thanks a lot for your thoughts. Does the fact that we were serious at one point change anything?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

finallyover said:


> Thanks a lot for your thoughts. Does the fact that we were serious at one point change anything?


I don't know if it changes things. Please elaborate on the the "we were serious at one point." Were you living together? Did he propose? 

The thing is he was still married to someone else. The entire time you were dating. Therefore ti's like the pot calling the kettle black when he told you that you were a committmentphobe when in fact he was married. Why did he call you a committmentphobe? Did he say?

It could be that he probably wasn't ready to get involved with someone else when you guys started dating. Which fits what you said about him not being able to meet your emotional needs. Generally, when people jump from relationship to relationship w/ no time in between to figure out what just happened, it does more bad than good.


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## finallyover (May 22, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I don't know if it changes things. Please elaborate on the the "we were serious at one point." Were you living together? Did he propose?
> 
> The thing is he was still married to someone else. The entire time you were dating. Therefore ti's like the pot calling the kettle black when he told you that you were a committmentphobe when in fact he was married. Why did he call you a committmentphobe? Did he say?
> 
> It could be that he probably wasn't ready to get involved with someone else when you guys started dating. Which fits what you said about him not being able to meet your emotional needs. Generally, when people jump from relationship to relationship w/ no time in between to figure out what just happened, it does more bad than good.


Had keys to his house, met some of his friends/family/kids. We also discussed getting married when his kids had adjusted to the divorce.

He called me that because I broke up with him several times.

When we resumed a non-committed relationship,it was because to me, he seemed overwhelmed with the divorce...it was very ugly. So he wasn't always "there" emotionally. But it only became that way as things got worse. He was nothing like that the first two years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

To me it sounds like he moved on way too fast and the reality that he wasn't as ready as he seemed hit him much later. 

Which explains why he started acting so hokey towards you. And why he became so overwhelmed with the divorce. 

Has he contacted you at all? When was the last time?


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## finallyover (May 22, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> To me it sounds like he moved on way too fast and the reality that he wasn't as ready as he seemed hit him much later.
> 
> Which explains why he started acting so hokey towards you. And why he became so overwhelmed with the divorce.
> 
> Has he contacted you at all? When was the last time?


No. I haven't heard a word from him since the day it was final and that night he wanted us to get together to talk about it. Been over 1 week now. And we used to talk every other day. Sometimes every day. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So did you guys ever meet that night to discuss things or did he blow you off?


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## finallyover (May 22, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> So did you guys ever meet that night to discuss things or did he blow you off?


Oh, no, he'd never blow me off in that regard, we always keep our date nights. Yes, we did meet, had dinner, we talked. We had a great time. But haven't heard from him since then.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So what did he say that night to you about everything since he wanted to "talk about the divorce?" Was he supposd to call you the following day?

At this point, I would not pursue him if I were you.


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## finallyover (May 22, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> So what did he say that night to you about everything since he wanted to "talk about the divorce?" Was he supposd to call you the following day?
> 
> At this point, I would not pursue him if I were you.


I never initiate contact so no pursuing can happen! 

He wanted to talk about the various aspects of the divorce settlement. But we talked mostly about how he was ffeeling and he was feeling a hell of a lot of different things. He still seems very angry about the past.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## finallyover (May 22, 2011)

finallyover said:


> I never initiate contact so no pursuing can happen!
> 
> He wanted to talk about the various aspects of the divorce settlement. But we talked mostly about how he was ffeeling and he was feeling a hell of a lot of different things. He still seems very angry about the past.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


To answer the other question, when we see each other in person, he always calls the next day or the day after. For 3 years. But not this time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You said he was angry about the past... do you mean his marriage, the divorce, how it ended, dating you?

Something is definitely up. Don't call him. (Which you already said you weren't--good).


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## finallyover (May 22, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> You said he was angry about the past... do you mean his marriage, the divorce, how it ended, dating you?
> 
> Something is definitely up. Don't call him. (Which you already said you weren't--good).


Angry with her for creating issues and stalling on things that made the divorce long, drawn out and expensive. Still angry with me about our past issues we seem to always go back to that old argument.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's rare there is ever an easy divorce. They all suck the big time.

The unresolved issue/same argument is annoying. Grrr.


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