# Need A Little Advice Long story



## CWOG (Jun 11, 2012)

Hello, everyone! I spent some time reading on some posts here and thought I'd share my experience with you all. I would like some feedback if anyone would like to respond. April 24th I found out that my husband had been flirting with a bysexual co-worker since April 1st. At least that's when I saw that the text messages started from Facebook. The conversation started off friendly and ended up quite sexually explicit. Some of the stuff I read tore my heart to pieces. What's odd is that he lied to this woman in some of the messages exchanged between them. One thing he lied about that bothered me is regarding my fertility. He knows I had test done and they found nothing to hinder me from conceiving. Yet he told this woman that he don't think I can have more children. He then goes on to say to the woman that he is ok with HER not being able to have more children. ?? Don't understand why he would tell her anything about my fertility. We don't have any children but at one point we tried but I guess God wasn't ready for us to have one. Good thing we didn't then because we were constantly arguing and now, after 1 year and 4 months married, he leaves. 


He confused me on his reasons for leaving. It seems this all just happen in just a snap. Before he left I confronted him about his flirting. I also know he hadn't had sex with the woman anytime before I confronted him because it was mentioned in the conversation between them a couple of days before I found out. He had been texting this woman while I slept in the bed next to him or even when he went outside or to the restroom. I don't know if he left me because he felt guilty for being caught or because he wanted to finish off where he left with her, or if he was intended to leave me anyway. When I talked to the woman she told me they were just friends and that she is a lesbian. This was before I read all the sex messages. I messaged her from Facebook because I saw a small text from her to his phone, which was my first indication that something was going on. I had already sensed something different because of his change of behavior. I found her text to him by mistake. He denied they had anything going. I was so sure something was going on so I contacted the girl again. This woman lied to me on three different occasions. 

At first I tried to kick him out until family told me to go to God and then talk with him to find out why he flirted with her. He told me he was unhappy with me for three months and that I was rejecting him. I did reject him but it was because he wasn't giving me any of his time and attention until he was about to go to sleep for the night. He would spend hours on the Playstation system. I told him I felt like I was competing with his game system. We never really communicated much about any problems we had. I use to tell him that we need to communicate but he never really expressed himself. But he had plenty to say to this woman. I went through months of depression last year that left me with little motivation to care for anyone or myself. I just stayed in the bedroom all day. I take it he didn't like that I wasn't doing anything. He told the woman he didn't like the laziness and that I wasn't like that before and this was stuff he didn't talk about but messed with his head. I don't understand why he didn't tell me he was unhappy. We were doing some tit-for-tat stuff to each other and going days without talking just because we would be mad about something. 

I don't know what I expected. Maybe I could have hurt his man-pride or something. I don't know. We are 11 years apart. I am older than him (in my thirties). From what his family told me, he had only one serious relationship in his life before me. So I don't know what to think of his latest behavior. We were struggling for a little while after he lost his job. I paid everything myself for over three months until he found a new job. I thought it was suppose to be for better or worse sickness and health. I supported him when he had no money and I guess he didn't want to be supportive during my depression phase. He could have just easily told me he wanted a divorce instead of sneaking with this woman. Why stay in it if you're unhappy? He never told me why he didn't tell me. 

Since he's been gone, he's been fickle to me about wanting to come back. Every few days he would change his answer... wants to come home, don't know if he wants to come, need more time and space, don't want me to get my hopes up, etc... Told me I just don't know how he feels about hurting me. Told me he didn't feel like himself since all this. He admitted that someone in his family influencing his decision about letting me go. He told me he was confused and didn't know what to do. Nearly two weeks ago he changed his Facebook status to separated and told me he just don't think it's gonna work. But he had just told me two days prior that he didn't want a divorce but that we need to take it slow. I found out from the woman's Facebook that they had went to the Lake together with a couple of other coworkers on May 27th. But honestly, I feel like all that "jive talk" (as he calls it) to the woman wasn't just talk. I think he has emotional connection or something with her because of all the stuff I read. 


I don't justify his reasons for going to this woman but I do know that I have done and said some things, just as he has to me, that was out of place. I shouldn't have to tell him how to be a husband or that we are financially suffering. I felt that if I didn't bring up to him where our problems were he would never bring it up. 

There so much to say but I won't burden you with all that. I guess what I'm trying to find out is if he return, how long it normally takes for a man to return. I've done enough crying and is to a point where I am trying to focus on myself and my daughter. I've gotten closer to God since he left, lost some weight by working out, back in college, and trying to get back to work since I was on sick leave due to the depression and ended up losing the job. I stopped texting and calling him but somehow we end up communicating for some important reasons not directly related to the marriage.

I try to give him his space but he would confuse me with with fickle emotions. If he wants to move on, why have any reason at all to contact me?

He called me today and a few days go about his check coming through the mail. I don't know what to make of it. I hope his feelings for me hadn't dropped just like that. He knows he still have clothes left here. I told him that a few days ago. Since May 25th, when he told me he didn't think it will work, he hadn't said anything else about whether he wanted to divorce or come back. I told him sometime ago that he can send the divorce papers and I will sign but that I wasn't going to send divorce papers myself to him because of my christian beliefs. I have faith in God that he will return. I had already forgiven him for the him communicating like that with the other woman. I forgave him before he even left. But I'd already told him that the trust has to build back up. He later told me it was hard coming back to normal. Normal??

Our major problem in our marriage was about giving each other time together, no communication, and sometimes financial issues. 

Sorry if I put too much information down. Forgive me.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I feel very bad for you. I think you should move on with your life as if he will never return. If he does, then he does, but either way, you will emerge stronger.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yeah, right. A Lesbian. 

A very good friend of mine, her best friend was a Lesbian.

She, and the live-in Lesbian partner of her best friend were shocked and very hurt when her Lesbian best friend ran off with her husband, leaving her pregnant with twins.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

MattMatt, I like you very much, so I know that you didn't just imply that lesbians are simply women lying in wait to steal husbands.


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## CWOG (Jun 11, 2012)

lamaga said:


> I feel very bad for you. I think you should move on with your life as if he will never return. If he does, then he does, but either way, you will emerge stronger.


Thanks. I really am trying to carry on as if he wouldn't come back. It's my christian beliefs and the faith that I have in God that doesn't allow me to give up on the marriage. I pray for him everyday. I suppose I messed up when I told him early on after he left that I will be waiting for him. Idk. At the beginning I can say I was a little extreme with trying to get him back. I didn't take any psychotic measures but I had sent some lengthy text messages here and there about how I wanted him back and loved him etc..... I was so lost in confusion in the beginning. Because I couldn't believe this man just up and left before we even have time to try and heal from this sexual relationship he got himself into. He left two days later! I was crying the day he left because he didn't have all the money he normally give me for the rent. I was thinking that if anything, he should have been doing all he can to prove to me he never really meant to hurt me or that he really wants us to work on healing the marriage. He knows money was an issue before. I don't understand why he didn't take the rent seriously that day. I didn't let him see me crying but when I sat on the bed and turned away from him, he knew something was wrong. He asked me what can he do to be the man I want and need. He said he felt I wasn't happy with him. This husband walking out on marriage thing is all new to me. I've been married before but I was the one that initiated a divorce, so maybe that's why this one is more hurtful. The first husband was abusive and highly jealous. He tried to keep me from even seeing my family. Later I tried to do it the right way with the first husband (long time ago)--doing it right as in biblical terms. Tried to reconcile. It lasted for a month. He had already started seeing someone and even had a child with this woman when I tried to reconcile. We hadn't even divorced yet. He ended up changing his mind, which I was so happy for. So I later divorced him. Anyway, I'm new to this spousal EA or whatever you want to call it. So I don't know what things you should or shouldn't do, what you can forgive and shouldn't forgive or allow, etc... I been reading around on so many sites. I have
been doing pretty good for the past three days. No tears or feeling sad. I am definitely getting stronger. :smthumbup:


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## CWOG (Jun 11, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Yeah, right. A Lesbian.
> 
> A very good friend of mine, her best friend was a Lesbian.
> 
> She, and the live-in Lesbian partner of her best friend were shocked and very hurt when her Lesbian best friend ran off with her husband, leaving her pregnant with twins.


This OW was married before but got divorced. She has three young children. Found out from one of the text msgs that the OW's girlfriend, that she said she been with for three years, sometimes spends the night at the OW ex-husband's house. Wtf? The OW told me her girlfriend cheated on her before but they worked it out. I noticed the OW removed the girlfriend from her Facebook friends list days before my husband changed his status to separated. The OW and her girlfriend were actually dating and lived together. The OW girlfriend just moved out, from what I can tell, sometime in May. There are photos of them also on Myspace... smoochie and all. I also found out from the conversation that the girlfriend works there with them. On top of that, the OW best friend, also a female, who also works there, likes her, too! What is it with this woman? And why on earth would my husband be allowing himself to take part in such a thing? Being with her he would have to worry about both a man and a woman taking her from him. It's just so hard to believe he is willing to throw his marriage away over this coworker. According to her text messages to him, she seems a bit insecure. I know I'm not perfect, but insecurities wouldn't lead me to this sort of behavior. According to his messages to her, he have insecurities himself. I kind of knew it before all this though. If she was lying for him to me, she could lie to him if she was back with her girlfriend. This is a bunch of screwed up mess to me. One of the exchanged messages she told him she kinda likes him. He responds with surprise text and asked her do she really like him. As if he doesn't think no one could like him?!? These past few weeks have shown me a man I've never experienced before. He was nothing like this before. He spent loads of time on the game at home. Until this new job...This job he was going to was for the weekend only. Part-time but a 15hour shift at a nursing home. So he had time with this woman every weekend. He didn't come home on the weekends since the location far. I was ok with him not coming home on the weekends because he was at his grandparents' house who lived out there near his job. He started the job in October of last year. Everything was still normal between us until April of this year. He would always be at home with me... we did everything together until around February, I think, when we argued more about spending time and financial stuff. So I can only just focus on what's still in this house: me and my daughter. I care about him but can't allow myself to play this wishy-washy stuff.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I think your gut instincts are right. You've read the messages yourself. He is emotionally connected to the co-worker. You are right about that.

Here are my thoughts about his returning. Actions speak louder than words. You hear him say X, but then he does Y. Like, I don't want to divorce, so let's take it slow. And then he changes his facebook status to Separated. Which one do you think is more accurate? yes, the facebook change. He told you one thing privately--maybe something he thought you wanted to hear--but then took ACTION publicly to show he really means to do something else. So let that be your guide. He tells you one thing, then he does another--the actions are the truth.

As far as God getting him to return. I am Christian, too. I believe God gave every person free will. That means that your husband has the free will to return, but he also has the free will to do other things, like lie to you about coming back right up until he moves in with a girlfriend.

I understand if you don't want to file for divorce--that you will make him do that first. There are various forum members who have chosen that for their own personal reasons. But realize that you also have free will. It might interest you to read this:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> He told me he was unhappy with me for three months


Well.... 3 months, it's perfectly understandable, he was clearly forced to had an affair with that ''lesbian''.


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## CWOG (Jun 11, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> I think your gut instincts are right. You've read the messages yourself. He is emotionally connected to the co-worker. You are right about that.
> 
> Here are my thoughts about his returning. Actions speak louder than words. You hear him say X, but then he does Y. Like, I don't want to divorce, so let's take it slow. And then he changes his facebook status to Separated. Which one do you think is more accurate? yes, the facebook change. He told you one thing privately--maybe something he thought you wanted to hear--but then took ACTION publicly to show he really means to do something else. So let that be your guide. He tells you one thing, then he does another--the actions are the truth.
> 
> ...



Thanks, sweetie. I will check it out. I could have just took it as him wanting to move one but this man contacts me telling me his doesn't want a divorce. I don't contact him or text him. He had no reason to call me out of nowhere telling me he doesn't want a divorce. His family's even telling me he giving them indication he wants to come back. Idk. It's all a blur. I asked God for a sign more than once and I got the sign that I asked for to let me know he's coming back. I prayed about us before we got married and asked for a sign that it was God's plan that we get married. I got an answer on that sign, too. Because of my relationship with God, is why I am so sure of his return. I love him enough to let him go, though. I told him if he send the papers, I will not contest it. I have been doing the no-contact to let him be able to decide without my interfere. I asked him before he left what he wanted to do. I was prepared to let him go. He told me he wanted us to work it out. Ever since then, I have been focused on letting God rebuild the marriage, the trust, and everything that makes a marriage marriage. I don't intend to let the devil talk me into hastily divorcing a man that I believe God has put me with. Even though it was sexting, he did cheat in his heart. So, I am aware that I can divorce him because of it, also. Though, I chose to forgive him and not get a divorce. I see how the devil has been trying to destroy our marriage. Every time something positive happens, Satan would throw something negative at me. He's not into christian life as I am. As a christian, I know how hard it can be in the world. Imagine a man who doesn't have that relationship with God. It doesn't mean he has a right to go off and start some EA with some stranger. I'm saying that we are all tempted at some point in our life.... women and men. I've been tempted more than twice in our marriage. Satan throws things our way. If we are not in God's word or have that close relationship with God, we can fall--we do fall into sin over and over again. I feel that if it was meant for us to get a divorce, God would never have put us together. I've been praying and I know he will return, just wondered how long it normally takes for a man to realize how much his family and marriage means to him. He was ignoring my calls at first--just sending text, but this week he's been calling me. Taking it slow is definitely a MUST. I see a really good outcome. I just sometimes get a little off when I'm in my girly, emotional mood... like wondering if he even still loves me or if he even thinks about me... stuff like that. I do sometimes think about if he is spending time with her but I try to keep the positive in my head to keep me going. I chose to forgive him, then I should keep the past in the past, right? Now, I'm no dummy to let it happen a second time. But I do know where I messed up myself... what I feel that led to his unhappiness. I am willing to fix that, but as you said... free will. God knows where this man's heart is. If God knows this man doesn't want to be married to me anymore, I have that trust in God that God will let me know that, just like God gave me those 3 signs, just like God showed me where we were in our marriage and the other things. I won't be a doormat though. It happens again, he's gone for good. I am willing to move forward with him, but I do know that it will take some time to get back to normal. I will check out the link you posted, sweetie. Thanks!!


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## CWOG (Jun 11, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Well.... 3 months, it's perfectly understandable, he was clearly forced to had an affair with that ''lesbian''.



Doesn't mean he shouldn't have came to me and told me he wasn't happy. He could have easily said it's not working out, we need some space, etc... why sneak, knowing you might get caught? I rejected him, but he rejected me, too. We were at it with trying to get back at each other. The childishness had to stop somewhere. I was in a depression state to even care about what it was doing to our marriage at the time. But when your partner is down, you are suppose to be that partner's strength, support, and everything necessary that a spouse should be. I was there for him when he was down, when he had a anger problems. I was patient with him. I was tempted more than once to go outside the marriage, but couldn't do it. I thought I was forced, too but I didn't do it. I feel that we failed so deeply with communication it put a big dent in our marriage. Now I'm letting God fix what we shouldn't have broken.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

CWOG said:


> Doesn't mean he shouldn't have came to me and told me he wasn't happy. He could have easily said it's not working out, we need some space, etc... why sneak, knowing you might get caught? I rejected him, but he rejected me, too. We were at it with trying to get back at each other. The childishness had to stop somewhere. I was in a depression state to even care about what it was doing to our marriage at the time. But when your partner is down, you are suppose to be that partner's strength, support, and everything necessary that a spouse should be. I was there for him when he was down, when he had a anger problems. I was patient with him. I was tempted more than once to go outside the marriage, but couldn't do it. I thought I was forced, too but I didn't do it. I feel that we failed so deeply with communication it put a big dent in our marriage. Now I'm letting God fix what we shouldn't have broken.


I don't want to speak for Acabado, but I believe he was being sarcastic. Unfortunately here on this forum, we quickly become cynics, because we see cheaters use every excuse and lie under the sun to explain their selfish choices. Of course you aren't responsible for his decision to enter into that inappropriate relationship. Each of us may contribute to vulnerabilities in a marriage, but each cheater is solely responsible for their betrayal.


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## CWOG (Jun 11, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> I don't want to speak for Acabado, but I believe he was being sarcastic. Unfortunately here on this forum, we quickly become cynics, because we see cheaters use every excuse and lie under the sun to explain their selfish choices. Of course you aren't responsible for his decision to enter into that inappropriate relationship. Each of us may contribute to vulnerabilities in a marriage, but each cheater is solely responsible for their betrayal.


:iagree: :iagree:


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

iheartlife is right. I'm sorry, was being sarcastic.
CWOG, there's no reason for cheating, not one acceptable at all. It's literally inexcusable when you can just end the relationship as a grown up, with dignity, if you don't find value on it anymore. Nobody came make you lie, pretend and cheat, it's on the cheater 100 %. It's called personal reponsability.
My 3 months point was, lets see, when you are in a long term relationshop, or at least you pretent it will be, 3 months of ''unhappiness'' is to expect on both parts, his ''reason'' can't be more ridiculous.


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