# need advice on separation



## Ryan2711 (Apr 22, 2013)

Ive been separated for just over a month but we drifted apart 4 months ago. me and my wife have been together for 7 and a half years and haven't spend a night apart till the separation. i was an alcoholic and it made me depressed and started treating my family bad cause i didn't like myself this lead my wife to drink to get away from me. we both have been sober for the length of the separation and are both a lot happier about ourselfs. we have two kids and i spend a lot of time with them until they go to bed and i leave. me and my wife are still friends and now sober can talk to each other and have talked bout problems etc in relationship. she says she needs space and she loves me we just aren't in love anymore. she seems to think time will help Ive been rejected for 4 months and am over it. do i just wait for her? or do i tell her its over and move on? i dont think i should live on hope she some times calls me babe probably just habit any help would be great.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

its up to you if u want to wait, do you want to have regrets later that u didn't do everything to try to make it work. 7+ years? whats another month or two to save that? the whole not in love with you right now is usually the death kiss. but i'll be honest, i'd have more hope for your situation because you have another reason to be bonding right now.....sobriety. its a unique situation that can bring you together again. Odds are still against you, but well worth a try.


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## Ryan2711 (Apr 22, 2013)

yeah i feel like we have made a new connection with sobriety we talk and are honest and open now which we didn't have before. im trying not to be needy and thought it might help if i tell her im moving on. shes hints like we will get together one day she just doesnt have feeling for me cause she disliked me for things ive done in the past. ive been supporting her and kids but now she wants to get benefit it kinda makes me wonder how long she plans to be single. im feeling good about myself and working out etc.


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

If you really want it to work, then I would wait. If you try to force her hand, it might push her to just walk away. I guess it is all a judgement call on your part. Maybe try going on "dates" with her so she can see the new and improved you. It takes time to get over the mistakes we have mad in the past.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

I would wait. However, I would not force the issue. Read up on the 180. Better yourself in this time. However, do not get all mean about it. Hit the gym. Read some books. Beat alcoholism. 

When she comes to you to talk, then I suggest you listen.


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## Ryan2711 (Apr 22, 2013)

shes not keen on the dates thing at the moment. i did read the 180 thing great advice. Ive been doing weights ever morning started going to boxing training too. even she has decided to start going to gym which i think will be good for her and make her feel better. Ive been a lot better with the kids and she has noticed changes. im always nice to her have never yelled a her or anything . i guess i keep the friend thing up til she wants to talk to me


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Exactly....work on you. Don't concern yourself with her. She'll come to you when she's ready. Women have to think it is their idea. They like to chase. I know it sounds simple but it's true.


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## Ryan2711 (Apr 22, 2013)

Thanks everyone!!


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

If you are in recovery, do not start a new relationship during your first year of sobriety. Starting a relationship during that period is one of the biggest relapse triggers. So even if you wanted to move on, starting dating again would not be a good idea if you want to stay sober. 

I am in AA. Been clean for 16 years.


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## Ryan2711 (Apr 22, 2013)

the only person i really want to have a relationship with is my wife. just focus on kids and boxing and friends at moment dont need another woman lol.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Ryan2711 said:


> the only person i really want to have a relationship with is my wife. just focus on kids and boxing and friends at moment dont need another woman lol.


Then why do anything solid with your wife. You don't want to move on in that sense and she hasn't overtly said she does. So long as neither of you is having an affair, emotioal or physical, there is hope. But ..




GutPunch said:


> I would wait. However, I would not force the issue. Read up on the 180. Better yourself in this time. However, do not get all mean about it. Hit the gym. Read some books. Beat alcoholism.
> 
> When she comes to you to talk, then I suggest you listen.


:iagree::iagree:

This here is a man that knows his onions with this. Make yourself the man you want to be, maybe that will turn out to be the man she wants to be with but she will decide that, or as is quite likely not, in her own time. Anything you do to 'speed' up her decision just makes it more likely to be not.

Good luck and be strong, facing your demons is tough. Have you looked at IC etc? Alcoholism is one thing but I would imagine there was an underlying reason you turned to drink in the first place. 

Without knowing your story, I'd say don't only attack the symptom (alcoholism) but also the cause. Did alcoholism make you depressed or did depression turn you towards drinking. Did something else cause you to turn to drink and then in turn to depression?

If you beat the drink, and i pray you do, but don't resolve any underlying causes there may be, then the chance of a relapse would be bigger I imagine.


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## Ryan2711 (Apr 22, 2013)

yes i have realize not to talk to her even tho she says i can. shes not ready to talk so im leaving her alone. funny you say bout the drinking it started when my parents split up my father also an alcoholic the only thing he really taught me was to drink instead of talking about problems i hated him for leaving us but in time i turned out just like him the one person i didn't want to be. i cant drink ever again knowing this. as for my marriage i always drank but after having the second kid he had reflux and my wife was depressed i felt trapped and couldn't talk to her started drinking more and more stress work, money etc more drinking problems build up i was depressed and couldn't show her the love she deserved i was bitter about a lot she started drifting away and i drank more. we didn't really kiss but still continued to have sex which was a bad move we didn't enjoy it i was drinking and it was the only thing i had left, the last time was the worsted when i convinced her to have sex and i have only just got over it myself it was hard not to hate myself but drinking will only make it worse and now sober i can talk to her and finally forgiven myself for my drunken acts hopefully she can forgive me one day. when i said move on i dont mean with someone else i mean with life.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Moving on with life is the only thing you can control. It is the only thing you can do. It is exactly what you should do.

You can do that and still be open to reconciliation at the right time should it arise. They don't have to be mutually exclusive.


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## Ryan2711 (Apr 22, 2013)

just thought id update you my wife was going to talk to are 5 year old as he doesnt really understand whats going on but i rang her from work and told her i would talk to him this weekend when she is away, she txtd me after i rang and said "Thanks for that. Put my mind at ease." i feel like its my job to talk him and i dont want her to cry or anything im sure he will have some good questions


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

For what its worth, my 5 year old is handling it fine. He even explained to his older brother the other day that Mum and Dad aren't like that anymore in response to something. God I love that boy.

Yes it took a talk to get him there but so far it's water off a ducks back for him. Fingers crossed it stays that way.


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## Ryan2711 (Apr 22, 2013)

been 2 months now still no chance of reconciliation she still hurts. been good up until the other day the kids stayed with her mum and i thought id drive pass to see if she was there she wasn't and i wish i didn't check. ask her what she was up to last night and she liared and said she stayed at home. when the kids when to bed i told her i knew she didn't and she was freaked out i was checking up on her. also shes been given flowers from someone and a few other things that point to cheating . but cant ask her if she is and don't really want to know. i keep telling her she can talk to me and sure she will when shes ready. got pretty dark at one point she took her wedding ring off and unfriended me on facebook. we had a talk and decided to forget it happened and continue being friends. she had her ring on today and told me she felt depressed about life and she wishes she could turn her brain off. i just said don't think about the past just think about making the future better that's what im doing.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I greatly think that your marital problems expand well beyond the alcoholism issues for the both of you. The alcoholism is simply a byproduct of the real problems.

I'm taking it that there are apparently no inherent issues of deceit or adultery present; and those kids of yours, along with the ardent love that you show for them is what truly makes this marriage so well worth saving. 

Separate if you must, but agree first to get into MC to get at the heart of your real issues. And both of you need to pledge to go to AA as a couple.

You two totally owe this to yourselves, but even more so, you owe it to those two beautiful kids of yours!

You will fastly remain in my prayers!


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## Ryan2711 (Apr 22, 2013)

i was drinking instead of dealing with problems the drinking isnt a issue anymore even worked as a bouncer last night. she took kids to zoo today and we txtd each other a bit bout etc. she when to work and txtd me bout kids also even made me smile  and i txtd her that differently in a better place now. the 180 thing is the way to go i had a hard time not bringing things up in the past but well over that now.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

hang in there, this isn't gonna be something that gets fixed over night. could take months and months before you might even get a CHANCE.


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## Ryan2711 (Apr 22, 2013)

so hasnt even been three months and shes dating her boss the first date i didnt really click she when to zoo with him and my kids and one of his, second date mini golf with his kids i had my kids.
i dont think he should spend time with my kids and im not going to date anyone and dont want another woman around my kids either.
marriage means nothing to my wife nor her boss hes divorced and just broke up with affaired girl. i live in a small town when this gets out his and her name will be mud.:scratchhead:


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Ryan

Did your wife tell you all this truth?

Or did you have to find out?

Because if your wife thinks dating is going to fix the "issues" you both have or she has, well then she is sadly mistaken.

If you two are officially separated then I think you should establish boundaries that you both acknowledge.

And if that separation and your boundaries include dating then I think the kids should not be involved. That I agree with you.

And no matter what happens now stay calm and cool.

Stay focused on you and your issues.

Your wife is just adding to her problems but her "dating" is really no shock after what you have told us about your marriage.

Keep the focus on you.

And watch your wifes action, not what comes out of her mouth.



HM64


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## Ryan2711 (Apr 22, 2013)

yes she is telling me the truth now but i know she has lied or kept things from me in the past i have fixed most of my issues and feel good about it as for her shes just making more for herself im sick of being stabbed in the heart and dont want my kids involved. i bet the living **** out of the punching bag the house was shaking it helped i still have never yelled at her and i am a nice guy and have been good about the situation


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