# Help - should I end this now?



## Judy Dowwin (May 15, 2017)

I don't know what to do. I am married to a man that I am pretty sure has a sexual addiction but some men may read this and say he is just normal.
We have been together 10 years and I never said no to sex and I am an attractive women in pretty good shape for my age. We are over 50 and it was starting to seem that his sex drive was decreasing but I just found out that he cheated again. He works a physically demanding job and comes home tired quite often or with back pain or in general not feeling well. This is a real thing, I am absolutely certain he is not faking feeling bad. As a result we usually only end up having sex once a week. For our age and circumstances, I don't think that is bad. I would be willing and interested in more but I wait until I know he feels up it. I am not describing an old man, he still looks good and is in good health generally. He is very active with hobbies,etc. So, he looks at all kinds of porn frequently. I found out that we was with a woman a couple of times about five years by finding pictures on his computer, but they were two years old. I still about died. She looked like a hooker type. He claimed she was not and that she just liked doing it, only blow job, no emotional relationship and it was only 2 times. I decided to forgive, hard to forget but we went forward. Then I found more pictures two years after that of a woman in a remote location that we visit and he sometimes goes to by himself. He claimed it was a one time thing. He is addicted to talking pictures, and yes, sometimes takes pictures of us, a lot in the beginning of our relationship. I ended things, made he move out but ended up getting back together 6 months later. He told everyone, I really messed up, learned my lesson., will never happen again. So, this week, two years after he has moved back in, I find pictures in his phone... very explicit. He said he met her at a convenience store, followed her to a friends house and got a blow job. I told him it is over, the final straw. He said it was only a blow job and that he loves me and our life together so much. He is a good man in every other way, in fact, people are always complimenting him and telling me I am lucky to have him! I hate to end things at our age and after 10 years. He is beside himself upset by I can't live like this with my trust and he has proven to be a liar. He said he will go to a counselor for sex addiction. He hasn't gotten into any emotional attachments, only sexual acts. Everything else is so good but going home with a hooker from a convenience store in the middle of the day is awful.


----------



## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

No that is not normal, he is a serial cheater.

If you have not done so you need to get checked for STD's, if you are not willing to divorce him then you need to set some hard and fast rules. 

1. Cheating is never ok
2. BJ count as cheating in my book
3. Full transparency of all devices
5. Counseling for you both cause you are gonna need it
6. He needs to come clean and honest, do you think he only had a BJ ro do think he could have had sex too?


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

cheaters lie, your spouse is no different. BJ is indeed sex. He is physically involved and takes pictures and interacts with these BJ buddies. I am glad you want to leave. He is not going to change. It's better to cut your losses now even if you invested 10 years. You should of left him the first time you caught him. 

You don't need someone like that in your life. He broke his vows to you. It wasn't just a blow job, that is called trickle truth around here. He is getting it hot and heavy with these hookers. You need to get STD tested. You never know where those mouths have been before they worked on your spouse. 

Sorry you are here, but you are doing the right thing by kicking him out. Let him go to counseling on his own away from you. You need some counseling for you to not fall for a man like him ever again.


----------



## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

For all the women you've found, there are 10 more that you didn't find. Dump him, because he's made it clear he'll never change. When he tells you "it was only a blow job", tell him "this is only a divorce." Tell him you and he can still remain friends, but that he's clearly not marriage material.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I have a difficult time with how easily everyone uses the term sexual addiction. Have you really considered what that, or any other addiction for that matter, is? It is merely liking something more than you like the idea of stopping it. Your H likes sex and with different women more than he likes the thought of stopping and more than he likes not hurting you. "Addictions" are very selfish activities as the desires of the addict are paramount.

I regret telling you that the chances of him reforming are infinitesimal. There is a very high degree of probability that this will continue indefinitely or until he contracts a life altering disease. If you desire normalcy in your marriage, meaning monogamy and exclusivity, then I fear you will never have it with this man. You should carefully consider continuing with him if this is so.


----------



## Judy Dowwin (May 15, 2017)

Thanks so much, I needed a little push. Appreciate that you took the time.


----------



## Judy Dowwin (May 15, 2017)

Thank you, needed to hear it, I am sure you are right. I appreciate that you took the time!


----------



## Judy Dowwin (May 15, 2017)

Thank you for taking the time to write to me. I struggle with the idea of this being an addiction too but I was hoping against hope for some explanation. You are right, he is very selfish. I needed these comments to push me forward.


----------



## Judy Dowwin (May 15, 2017)

Thank you, I appreciate your comments and taking the time to help me think this through.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

He is not addicted, he just has no moral values or integrity. Being sorry and repentant means NOT doing it again. He has now cheated 3 times that you know of. 
I would have been been gone long ago. Any men who says its 'just' a blow job is not worth bothering with.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband has no sex addiction. He is a cheater.


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

yes


----------



## Judy Dowwin (May 15, 2017)

You are right, I was hoping against hope, making excuses. Thanks for the no nonsense answer!


----------



## Judy Dowwin (May 15, 2017)

Thank you. I needed that!


----------



## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

Yes, you should end it.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with everyone here, you need to end this.

He's not addicted. With an addiction, you will see an escalation over time and chasing more radical sexual behaviors over time. It's the old thing that an addict needs more and move of their drug over time to get the same high.

You husband just likes doing this with women. For every picture/woman you found there are many more. 


I'm sorry but this has probably been going on the entire time you have known him. It's just that with the newer technology, it's now easier to find the evidence.

I'm sorry. I know this sucks. Been through it myself.


----------



## Pixel (Jan 10, 2017)

Hey there

You need to end it for sure. I'm so sorry. Even though I'm about 20 years your junior, I have recently been in a similar situation and I can guarantee you it won't stop ever.

You mention that he's such a good guy and you always get complimented on how great he is. Same here. And that can make it so much harder to wrap your head around. You must separate who you thought he was with who he is showing you he actually is. This is the hardest part. He's flawed in a way that cannot change.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Judy Dowwin said:


> I don't know what to do. I am married to a man that I am pretty sure has a sexual addiction but some men may read this and say he is just normal.
> We have been together 10 years and I never said no to sex and I am an attractive women in pretty good shape for my age. We are over 50 and it was starting to seem that his sex drive was decreasing but I just found out that he cheated again. He works a physically demanding job and comes home tired quite often or with back pain or in general not feeling well. This is a real thing, I am absolutely certain he is not faking feeling bad. As a result we usually only end up having sex once a week. For our age and circumstances, I don't think that is bad. I would be willing and interested in more but I wait until I know he feels up it. I am not describing an old man, he still looks good and is in good health generally. He is very active with hobbies,etc. So, he looks at all kinds of porn frequently. I found out that we was with a woman a couple of times about five years by finding pictures on his computer, but they were two years old. I still about died. She looked like a hooker type. He claimed she was not and that she just liked doing it, only blow job, no emotional relationship and it was only 2 times. I decided to forgive, hard to forget but we went forward. Then I found more pictures two years after that of a woman in a remote location that we visit and he sometimes goes to by himself. He claimed it was a one time thing. He is addicted to talking pictures, and yes, sometimes takes pictures of us, a lot in the beginning of our relationship. I ended things, made he move out but ended up getting back together 6 months later. He told everyone, I really messed up, learned my lesson., will never happen again. So, this week, two years after he has moved back in, I find pictures in his phone... very explicit. He said he met her at a convenience store, followed her to a friends house and got a blow job. I told him it is over, the final straw. He said it was only a blow job and that he loves me and our life together so much. He is a good man in every other way, in fact, people are always complimenting him and telling me I am lucky to have him! I hate to end things at our age and after 10 years. He is beside himself upset by I can't live like this with my trust and he has proven to be a liar. He said he will go to a counselor for sex addiction. He hasn't gotten into any emotional attachments, only sexual acts. Everything else is so good but going home with a hooker from a convenience store in the middle of the day is awful.


This guy is SUCH a douche bag.

Yes, women all over the world are all _clamoring _to get in line *just* for the sheer privilege of giving this ass-wipe a blow job.

He's not a sex addict. He's just your run of the mill, garden variety, lying* serial cheater* who jumps on any opportunity he can create. Just because he has no emotional connection to his pump-and-dumps doesn't make him a 'sex addict.' This is how most serial cheaters are - they take advantage of any opportunity they can. They're not looking for a girlfriend, they're looking for cheap thrills and sexual variety on the side. That just makes them selfish ass-clowns, not 'sex addicts.'

Don't start this nonsense with the 'sex addiction' crap because all that does is take the blame OFF his shoulders and onto some disorder that 'made' him do it.

Ugh. Welcome to life with a serial cheater.

I hope you realize you deserve much better than this lying pig.


----------

