# Men who shun porn.



## Safflower (Feb 17, 2017)

Hi guys,

Are there married man who do not use porn ?

I do know the existence of people who think porn is okay : nothing wrong and could actually help in intimacy. But right now I really appreciate it alot if those who don't use it ( or try not to) to show yourself.

---
For me, it is a form of cheating and it hurts as hell. Pro-porn, save your energy. I already did the self-reflection, liberal thinking and research.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Here is a recent discusion... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/363193-men-if-you-do-not-look-porn-why.html


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

What do you want to know? I've used it seldomly. Not in a long while.

Are you a guy or gal?


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## Tillaan (Nov 24, 2016)

I know someone who refuses to watch porn. But he fell prey to an addiction to it in the past. So that's a real thing and one of a few reasons his marriage ended in divorce.
Those people are out there, I myself am not one of them but I can say that porn was part of the cause to my current divorce. A very minor part, but it does have a negative side that many do not see until it's too late if ever.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I am not married but I live with my gf.I never watch porn and haven't in years.I think it is a joke and a sad one at that.The odd time years ago that I did see some I thought it was hilarious that anyone with a partner would actually watch this crap.The acting is terrible,the facial expressions laughable and from what I have read on tam it gives some people an unrealistic expectation of how sex should be.Why would any man with a willing,sexually active partner want or need to use porn is something I don't understand.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I rarely watch it. I can't say I shun it, but I'm definitely on the fence about it. For me, it's a visually exciting way to get off once in a while, then it's forgotten about for another month or so. I feel no shame about it.

Is it a bad thing? I don't think so - but it CAN be. Is it a healthy thing? I don't think so - but it CAN be. So many factors play in to both of those questions.

Ironically enough, my ex wife was dead set against porn (but okay with cheating!). She also had an entire folder full of photos of guys (celebrities, rock stars, etc.) she liked - non-nude, mind you, but whatever. I never asked WHY she had those pictures, but... duh. It was her porn, I guess, but because it wasn't x-rated, it was okay.

My current wife has no real issue with porn. She doesn't like it herself, and has no interest in watching it with me (I asked once), but she's never insinuated that she doesn't want me to, nor asked me if I do.

My ex wife masturbated to pictures she liked, apparently, as well as on her own. Occasionally when I was home, or thought I was sleeping, and a handful of times (that I know of) after rejecting me sexually. So while I was with her, my porn use was more than it is now (but still not frequent).

My current wife doesn't masturbate (or _extremely_ rarely), and never to anything visual. But as I said, she's not anti-porn. My desire to use visual stimulation is almost non-existant, ironically enough.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

I recently rewatched my very first porn, can't believe how young I looked!


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## Sixlet (Apr 26, 2016)

my husband says he doesn't use porn because he spent years beating off to it and had trouble getting off from sex with another human being after that. Now that he isn't masturbating to porn he says he much more confident that he won't be all used up for when it's time to have sex. He said not using porn makes actual sex way better. 
I like the visuals but don't like the acting or the noises. Every now and then I'll watch little clips to get myself going since he doesn't woo me or try to get me in the mood for sex ever.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

I just prefer the sex with another person is much more enjoyable. Why waste the time on junk.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Safflower said:


> I do know the existence of people who think porn is okay : nothing wrong and could actually help in intimacy. But right now I really appreciate it alot if those who don't use it ( or try not to) to show yourself.
> 
> ---
> For me, it is a form of cheating and it hurts as hell. Pro-porn, save your energy. I already did the self-reflection, liberal thinking and research.


I grew up with watching a great deal of porn, but in my marriage I completely understand and have learned to respect the reasons why my wife is hurt by it. I am mindful of my behavior towards porn out of respect for my wife. Out of this respect she also understands that I need her to nurture my desire at times when we are apart from each other. 

Perhaps all men are different but @Safflower as much as you are hurt by porn, your husband could be equally as hurt that perhaps you may not be willing to nurture his own self exploration. While men use porn to _enhance_ self exploration, there are many other things that could be used that would not only be less offensive, but may have a positive impact on your relationship. 

Did you ever encourage your husband to masturbate? Do you ever think you could do that in a nurturing way so that you give him something extremely enjoyable to think about and look forwards to in the relationship? A simple example might be to just buy a jar of coconut oil in the grocery store, and ask your husband to enjoy exploring himself with it while imagining putting as much as he wants allover and wherever he wants on you. Then after he enjoys exploring that all alone, instead of watching porn, he will be coming up with all kinds of creative ideas on how to please you with ample amounts of coconut oil. 

Hope that helps, 
Badsanta


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

My fiance and I talked about this recently, and we both don't see anything wrong with occasional porn viewing, if we do it together or something. He said he doesn't really find anything great about porn since he is really happy with me, now. I'm not at all into porn, I may read erotica now and then, but not into porn. I think that it depends on the couple, but think it's a dangerous message that the culture sort of tells men that it's more normal to look at porn, than it isn't. I don't think men should be shamed over viewing porn, but it just seems like men are told that if they're NOT looking at porn or have no interest in it, that there's something wrong with them, and that too is a bad message.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

My husband isn't on this forum but he never looks at porn and nor did my first husband. I wouldn't marry a man who did. 
My husband sees it as wrong, unfaithful, unloving and disrespectful. He is also aware of the damage it does to wives and marriages and also to the one who does it. He didn't look at it in his first marriage either, nor before he married or between marriages. He is also a committed Christian, so is well aware of what Jesus warns about in saying that if you look at a woman with lust(desiring her, wanting to have sex with her) its as if you have committed adultery in you heart. That's what happens in porn all the time.

I love that some men are this way, they go against the flow and have self control and discipline and want to keep any intimacy between them and their wives. So many now say 'well all men do it, there is nothing wrong with it'. No not all men do it and there is a lot wrong with it. Porn use is cited in 60% of all divorces now.

The fact he is the way he is makes me love him more and value and respect him more, and desire him more. If a man I was married to looked at porn, I would have no desire to have sex with him at all.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> My fiance and I talked about this recently, and we both don't see anything wrong with occasional porn viewing, if we do it together or something. He said he doesn't really find anything great about porn since he is really happy with me, now. I'm not at all into porn, I may read erotica now and then, but not into porn. I think that it depends on the couple, but think it's a dangerous message that the culture sort of tells men that it's more normal to look at porn, than it isn't. I don't think men should be shamed over viewing porn, but it just seems like men are told that if they're NOT looking at porn or have no interest in it, that there's something wrong with them, and that too is a bad message.


I agree that for a man to be accused of having something wrong with them because they refuse to look at it is just awful. I suppose those who do look cant understand it so they attack the men who don't? Maybe it makes them feel guilty if they know that some men have that self control and discipline?


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## SilentLucidity (Feb 17, 2017)

I guess I'm far left field on this issue. I had absolutely no issue whatsoever with my ex-husband watching porn. He would watch porn alone because I caught him a few times lol. Once real early in the morning before he went to work jacking off in our bedroom while I was sleeping, another time late at night also jacking off while I was sleeping. I did not feel cheated on. He's masturbating to a video. It's completely normal to masturbate. Did I want him to wake me? No. Lol. We watch porn together I've watch porn by myself. We definitely had different tastes in some porn. I had Taurus I used on myself when he was not around and could not take care of me and he did not feel as though I was cheating on him. Again this was just our view. I'm single right now and I absolutely watch porn this week and will probably watch it tonight lol. I don't see a single thing wrong with it

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## Tillaan (Nov 24, 2016)

SilentLucidity said:


> I guess I'm far left field on this issue. I had absolutely no issue whatsoever with my ex-husband watching porn. He would watch porn alone because I caught him a few times lol. Once real early in the morning before he went to work jacking off in our bedroom while I was sleeping, another time late at night also jacking off while I was sleeping. I did not feel cheated on. He's masturbating to a video. It's completely normal to masturbate. Did I want him to wake me? No. Lol. We watch porn together I've watch porn by myself. We definitely had different tastes in some porn. I had Taurus I used on myself when he was not around and could not take care of me and he did not feel as though I was cheating on him. Again this was just our view. I'm single right now and I absolutely watch porn this week and will probably watch it tonight lol. I don't see a single thing wrong with it
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920T using Tapatalk




This is perfectly as long as it worked for the both of you. I think that is a key thing in the debate.

Here's and example of where it wasn't healthy:
I was perfectly ok with my STBXW watching porn, she liked porn I had zero interest in watching (guy on guy) when it began to be a problem is when she started relating our sex life to the videos and taking care of herself during the day before I came home and no longer being interested in the real thing. She actually said "I can get myself off 20 times in a few minutes, I no longer need a man" major reason for our marriage breakdown. Porn during the day while kids are at school was far easier than finding time without the kids around at night. 


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Tillaan said:


> This is perfectly as long as it worked for the both of you. I think that is a key thing in the debate.
> 
> Here's and example of where it wasn't healthy:
> I was perfectly ok with my STBXW watching porn, she liked porn I had zero interest in watching (guy on guy) when it began to be a problem is when she started relating our sex life to the videos and taking care of herself during the day before I came home and no longer being interested in the real thing. She actually said "I can get myself off 20 times in a few minutes, I no longer need a man" major reason for our marriage breakdown. Porn during the day while kids are at school was far easier than finding time without the kids around at night.
> ...


Thats one of the many many dangers of porn, that the porn user no longer wants a real life relationship, and in some cases cant have a real life relationship because of the damage porn has done to their minds and sexual desires. Its an evil thing.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

One of my husbands friends thinks that porn is bad and is there to ruin the tradition of family and real enjoyable sex between a couple. He had a point. 

But then he also took one of my fashion magazines, there was an article with naked ladies promoting "you don't have to be a supermodel to look good naked" 

When my husband told me, I was angry, those women didn't pose for men to do whatever. I would have felt better if he had bought women posing for a men's magazine instead. 
So now I just hide all my magazines and books now if he's visiting! 

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## SilentLucidity (Feb 17, 2017)

Tillaan said:


> This is perfectly as long as it worked for the both of you. I think that is a key thing in the debate.
> 
> Here's and example of where it wasn't healthy:
> I was perfectly ok with my STBXW watching porn, she liked porn I had zero interest in watching (guy on guy) when it began to be a problem is when she started relating our sex life to the videos and taking care of herself during the day before I came home and no longer being interested in the real thing. She actually said "I can get myself off 20 times in a few minutes, I no longer need a man" major reason for our marriage breakdown. Porn during the day while kids are at school was far easier than finding time without the kids around at night.
> ...


Even though we had a mutual view on porn he still ended up cheating with hookers on Craigslist.

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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> I recently rewatched my very first porn, can't believe how young I looked!


*ahem* Care to share? >


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

MrsAldi said:


> But then he also took one of my fashion magazines, there was an article with naked ladies promoting "you don't have to be a supermodel to look good naked"
> 
> When my husband told me, I was angry, those women didn't pose for men to do whatever. I would have felt better if he had bought women posing for a men's magazine instead.


I can't relate. If I ever found out that some lady was using my photo to masturbate to, I'd have a smile on my face and a bounce my step lasting all day.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

EllisRedding said:


> I recently rewatched my very first porn, can't believe how young I looked!


Did you swallow or spit?


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

3putt said:


> Did you swallow or spit?


You forgot the cymbal crash.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> Thats one of the many many dangers of porn, that the porn user no longer wants a real life relationship, and in some cases cant have a real life relationship because of the damage porn has done to their minds and sexual desires. Its an evil thing.


I think it helps in this regard if you only masturbate to ugly women.


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## Safflower (Feb 17, 2017)

SilentLucidity said:


> Even though we had a mutual view on porn he still ended up cheating with hookers on Craigslist.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920T using Tapatalk



The porn wired his brain for more novelty in order to feel the same amount of endorphins. It's like moving from cigarette--> weed --> eventually meth.

You, became his 5cent candy while he tries Oreo Mcflurry, and hotel five star desserts.


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## Safflower (Feb 17, 2017)

Did you ever encourage your husband to masturbate? Do you ever think you could do that in a nurturing way so that you give him something extremely enjoyable to think about and look forwards to in the relationship? A simple example might be to just buy a jar of coconut oil in the grocery store said:


> .
> Thank you, Badsanta. and thank you, all for sharing.
> 
> Yeah, besides getting a roken heart, I too realized I have to nurture his sexual needs. I dress better and sexier, started wearing some makeup, and initiate sex now. I used to just wait for him and put no effort in seducing him...due to ignorance.
> ...


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If it has a plot, sure


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

john117 said:


> If it has a plot, sure


Have you noticed how quickly the plumbers call to the house in these "movies".


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SilentLucidity said:


> Even though we had a mutual view on porn he still ended up cheating with hookers on Craigslist.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920T using Tapatalk


That can happen. The ex husband of a lady I used to know went from porn to contacting women on line, to meeting them for sex. 
Porn opens the door to all sorts of horrible things.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Porn opens the door to all sorts of horrible things.


Like my almost 18 year happy marriage within my faithful and monogamous circa 21 year sexual relationship. :wink2:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> That can happen. The ex husband of a lady I used to know went from porn to contacting women on line, to meeting them for sex.
> Porn opens the door to all sorts of horrible things.


Actually he opened the door.

Not porn.

He was seeking something other than his poor wife. And he found it. He would have done that without porn.


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## SilentLucidity (Feb 17, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> That can happen. The ex husband of a lady I used to know went from porn to contacting women on line, to meeting them for sex.
> Porn opens the door to all sorts of horrible things.


Well, uhhh the person he was meeting from Craigslist might have looked somewhat female but did not have female genitalia. You cannot assume to know by a few sentences what makes up a person's interests and desires and to what degree porn if at all has to do with it. I've barely given any info on him, what he was doing before we were married, ect..

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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SilentLucidity said:


> Well, uhhh the person he was meeting from Craigslist might have looked somewhat female but did not have female genitalia. You cannot assume to know by a few sentences what makes up a person's interests and desires and to what degree porn if at all has to do with it. I've barely given any info on him, what he was doing before we were married, ect..
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920T using Tapatalk


 I am going by many other cases I know of where porn has ruined lives and destroyed marriages.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Actually he opened the door.
> 
> Not porn.
> 
> He was seeking something other than his poor wife. And he found it. He would have done that without porn.


Porn feeds immorality. If someone can mentally cheat, they can easily go on to physically cheat. Many do.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My husband has never used it over me since we've been married.. BUT he still likes to look at naked stills of beautiful women.. though , always, he has waited for our intimacy.. even when that wait was longer than he'd like (more so in the past)... I could never complain about this. I find him a rare breed -indeed.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> I am going by many other cases I know of where porn has ruined lives and destroyed marriages.


I think that cheaters can look for excuses.

It was the porn, the fact that their spouse spent too much time working, playing golf, playing computer games, spent too much time on the children, etc, etc.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

MattMatt said:


> I think that cheaters can look for excuses.
> 
> It *was* the porn, the fact that their spouse spent too much time working, playing golf, playing computer games, spent too much time on the children, etc, etc.


 I think I have 2 views on those who cheat... there are those who just can't handle monogamy (I think this is more related to their hormones.. some people seem to NEED sexual variety for happiness it seems)... and there are those who are NOT getting their emotional needs met in the relationship, they have grown hungry, starving, like a thirsting in the desert...some of the things you mentioned could deeply affect their intimacy over time.. whether it's too much masturbating alone, not connecting with their partner, no longer making each other a priority...leading to resentment, emotional disconnect, feeling like roommates.. leading to emptiness....when one gets to this place...it can lead to a "perfect storm" if another steps in ready to meet those needs... It's something each couple has to guard against.... 



SilentLucidity said:


> I guess I'm far left field on this issue. I had absolutely no issue whatsoever with my ex-husband watching porn. He would watch porn alone because I caught him a few times lol. Once real early in the morning before he went to work jacking off in our bedroom while I was sleeping, another time late at night also jacking off while I was sleeping. I did not feel cheated on. He's masturbating to a video. It's completely normal to masturbate. Did I want him to wake me? No. Lol. We watch porn together I've watch porn by myself. We definitely had different tastes in some porn. I had Taurus I used on myself when he was not around and could not take care of me and he did not feel as though I was cheating on him. Again this was just our view. I'm single right now and I absolutely watch porn this week and will probably watch it tonight lol. I don't see a single thing wrong with it


So many variations, it's really not a set "black & white" thing with porn & couples...each couple is different.. may have a different spin on it... if a couple "gets" each other here ... understanding the erotic enjoyment, not feeling rejected.... this is what matters...

Both myself & husband are repulsed by hard core...no desire to see threesomes either....he likes to see "solo" women, no desire to see the man..... I love the sensual romantic videos, not so easy to find.. but they are out there...

But true.. it can be a Killer of relationships when one is feeling rejected, discarded, that a man puts it before his wife.. or on moral grounds a couple agreed upon, then she finds out HE was lying, hiding all along... (Trust is broken)...or an addiction, *these are the enemies of intimacy*...

If anything.. I'd have to say I enjoy some porn more than my husband does ...it was at my request, when my drive was insatiable, he couldn't keep up... I wanted to use anything to enhance his desire.. a little porn wasn't hurting!! ...so we rented it for a time.. 

I tried to get as many videos like this as I could.. Seductive Sex Positions For Lovers | The Modern Kama Sutra | Alexander Institute ... then we'd just jump each other... during that time I think I masturbated less than 10 times without my husband...which he had no problem with.. he couldn't keep up with my sex drive !.. he knew I wanted him every single time.. so it was never an issue.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> I think that cheaters can look for excuses.
> 
> It was the porn, the fact that their spouse spent too much time working, playing golf, playing computer games, spent too much time on the children, etc, etc.


That wasnt the case in the ones I know about.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SimplyAmorous said:


> My husband has never used it over me since we've been married.. BUT he still likes to look at naked stills of beautiful women.. though , always, he has waited for our intimacy.. even when that wait was longer than he'd like (more so in the past)... I could never complain about this. I find him a rare breed -indeed.


So he is still a porn user. 
A man who is a rare breed is surely one who goes against the flow and doesn't look at porn despite most men and many women doing so.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Diana7 said:


> So he is still a porn user.
> A man who is a rare breed is surely one who goes against the flow and doesn't look at porn despite most men and many women doing so.


Yes but when one thinks of porn.. one automatically assumes there is masturbating to it....no? My husband told me years ago when we (finally) opened up the masturbating conversation .. to him.. THAT is like "cheating".. most men would never say this or feel this way... This is *why* I feel he is rare...Not that he enjoys viewing the female body.. to me.. this is perfectly normal.. We've had many discussions about these things.. our fantasies.. all of it.... I want his honesty, not fearing he can't share what turns him on.. 

I am thankful he IS the way he is... if he judged me for enjoying some erotic stuff.. we WOULDN'T be compatible.. 

Now if he was using it over me, no way in the world I could handle that...I just know me.. it would cause awful fights, I'd feel rejected, not good enough.. devastated ....I would have to leave a man like that, I wouldn't be happy or fulfilled in such a marriage. 

For whatever it is worth...I have come a ways on this...although I personally always loved a steamy romance novel and a Hot Rated R sex scene.. I did feel porn was BAD... sinful, against God and wives (earlier in life I seen some Hardcore, I hated it. it was ugly to me)... there was a time I was going to church a lot, and when I'd find his folders with playboy bunnies (very tame still photography) .. I would start deleting them, then SHAME HIM..I even posted scriptures on his desktop !! ...I made him feel terrible...and he felt awful making me feel bad.. my husband is a sensitive man, deeply cares how I feel... but at the same time.. I was never denied..I always felt desired and wanted by him.. if anything.. I wasn't being "giving" enough here... I needed to be a better wife...

I have opened up more sexually since then, it's been a good thing for us both...that's just a part of our story.. 

I just frown on black & White comments that *every couple *who likes to look upon some erotic anything (Porn, naked bodies) is ruining their marriage.. we've been together since our teens.. we're now in our 50's.. I think I can say , this just isn't always true... 

Does your husband share your views  @Diana7 - I sincerely hope he does, this will make for a much smoother ride ... One of the harder things is if ONE can't be open & honest about it -for fear their wives will leave them or feel deeply betrayed.. even if they have only looked in passing or it's not a regular thing for them.. and these being very devoted loving husbands, greatly desiring their wives.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I look at my absolutely beautiful (pregnant) girlfriend and then I think about some "actress" in a porn movie and there is no comparison.The women in these movies have reached rock bottom in life,some are feeding drug habits,maybe not their own.Some are doing it on the misapprehension that it will lead to mainstream acting and worst of all are the women doing it because they think they have nothing else to sell.I honestly can't understand why any man with a willing partner feels the need to watch porn.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

alexm said:


> I rarely watch it. I can't say I shun it, but I'm definitely on the fence about it. For me, it's a visually exciting way to get off once in a while, then it's forgotten about for another month or so. I feel no shame about it.
> 
> Is it a bad thing? I don't think so - but it CAN be. Is it a healthy thing? I don't think so - but it CAN be. So many factors play in to both of those questions.
> 
> ...



Totally agreed. :smthumbup:


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

@Safflower, yes, there are married men who do not use porn. My husband and I have been married almost 17 years, and he has not used porn in all that time. I have had a lot of naysayers tell me I am wrong, but meh, idc what they think. I know my husband, they don't. And we are on the same page with the subject, too.

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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Yes but when one thinks of porn.. one automatically assumes there is masturbating to it....no? My husband told me years ago when we (finally) opened up the masturbating conversation .. to him.. THAT is like "cheating".. most men would never say this or feel this way... This is *why* I feel he is rare...Not that he enjoys viewing the female body.. to me.. this is perfectly normal.. We've had many discussions about these things.. our fantasies.. all of it.... I want his honesty, not fearing he can't share what turns him on..
> 
> I am thankful he IS the way he is... if he judged me for enjoying some erotic stuff.. we WOULDN'T be compatible..
> 
> ...


I cant see the difference between men who look at porn and masturbate and men who look at porn and then have sex with their wives while thinking of the women he has seen in the porn. Both are adultery of the heart. 
Its looking that is just as wrong.

Yes my husband feels very strongly that porn is damaging and doesn't look at it. I wouldn't marry a man who did, or who thought it was no big deal. I see it as so unloving and disrespectful, and I would never do it to him either. Intimacy is for us alone, and not to include others we have been watching in porn.

Your husband thinks its only cheating if he masturbates, that's a strange idea, looking at other women in porn is cheating period. You seem to be a Christian as we are, and Jesus says that lusting after another woman is adultery of the heart. That's what porn does, makes us lust after other people. 

You can have a great sex life without porn.
Having a husband who only desires to sees his wife naked is very special. It makes me feel valued and respected and loved. Makes for a great sex life as well because I respect and love him for the way he is. Its not easy for men to go against the flow, but so worth it.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Porn is fake crap. Pure unrealistic fantasy. If someone finds satisfaction in porn it is my opinion that they are dysfunctional in real life.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Does our own personal view on porn matter? I mean to say that what our opinion is about has nothing to do with our partners opinion on it. I don't like porn, therefore I don't watch it. I don't mind porn, therefore I watch it occasionally. 
You can hate porn and be completely against it but your partner may not feel that way. So then you get into this... controlling, you have I agree with my opinion because my opinion is the right opinion or else. 

I understand that porn can become a problem and can ruin relationships... but that's an excessive, extreme but minority of people. Most people can watch porn here and there and still have a great sex life and relationship with their spouse. I think when spouses monitor, and stalk their husbands to see if they use porn then yell and scold them like a little kid... thats a problem. Unless your spouse specifically says... please help me stop watching porn.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Safflower said:


> .
> 
> Thank you, Badsanta. and thank you, all for sharing.
> 
> ...




What do you mean he relapsed? How did you find out he was watching porn? Was it because you snooped and found it on his computer? Or did you walk into it and witnessed it first hand? 

I think the question is... we know you think porn is bad, but what does he think about porn? Does he think it's bad too and he's can't stop watching it, or does he think it's ok every once in a while? 

His honest opinion is important, because if he doesn't think it's that bad, your going to struggle with your endeavor. If he thinks it's bad and should never be done, then you will likely succeed. This is important because if your going to ask him to use a monitoring/accountability app... this can be viewed by him as VERY controlling, or very helpful depending on what HIS honest opinion of porn is. And again, I guess how he reacts to this suggestion of the app will also tell you what his real opinion is.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> Does our own personal view on porn matter? I mean to say that what our opinion is about has nothing to do with our partners opinion on it. I don't like porn, therefore I don't watch it. I don't mind porn, therefore I watch it occasionally.
> You can hate porn and be completely against it but your partner may not feel that way. So then you get into this... controlling, you have I agree with my opinion because my opinion is the right opinion or else.
> 
> I understand that porn can become a problem and can ruin relationships... but that's an excessive, extreme but minority of people. Most people can watch porn here and there and still have a great sex life and relationship with their spouse. I think when spouses monitor, and stalk their husbands to see if they use porn then yell and scold them like a little kid... thats a problem. Unless your spouse specifically says... please help me stop watching porn.


That's why I wouldn't have married a man who thought porn was ok. 
Its a very important thing to disagree on, so its vital that you are on the same page. For both of us its a no no. 
I would rather be single than be with a man who looked at porn.
I wouldn't let any man treat me that demeaning way.

The trouble comes when the porn user lies about it, which happened with a couple in a marriage that I know about. He married her under completely false pretenses, saying that he had looked a few times in his teens but knew it was wrong and hadn't look since(about 15 years later). He knew that she felt that way but lied anyway.
She then found out that he hadn't stopped looking all that time. The trust was then gone as had any respect she had for him.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I agree you should be on the same page before marriage. But the reality is... people change and circumstances change. And once those hormones go away after the honeymoon phase you might act differently.

People should be on the same page when it comes to kids, porn, sex, etc. but people grow and change their minds and you have to deal with being with a partner that has a different opinion than you. Marriage is not cut and dry for sure. People change all the time.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> I agree you should be on the same page before marriage. But the reality is... people change and circumstances change. And once those hormones go away after the honeymoon phase you might act differently.
> 
> People should be on the same page when it comes to kids, porn, sex, etc. but people grow and change their minds and you have to deal with being with a partner that has a different opinion than you. Marriage is not cut and dry for sure. People change all the time.


The values we have wont change. We are aged 59 and 60 now, 11 years into a second marriage, we have always held the same ones as far as things like porn are concerned. In fact the more we communicate with people whose lives and marriages have been devastated by porn, and read so many reports that say how our children are being terribly so damaged by it, the more sure we are that its not something we ever want to be part of. 
I was only interested in a man who had strong moral values and I got one. 
He hasn't even had sex outside marriage and I love him for it. Men like him are a rare breed now.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> The values we have wont change. We are aged 59 and 60 now, 11 years into a second marriage, we have always held the same ones as far as things like porn are concerned. In fact the more we communicate with people whose lives and marriages have been devastated by porn, and read so many reports that say how our children are being terribly so damaged by it, the more sure we are that its not something we ever want to be part of.
> 
> I was only interested in a man who had strong moral values and I got one.
> 
> He hasn't even had sex outside marriage and I love him for it. Men like him are a rare breed now.




That's really great for you guys  I'm happy you found someone who strongly agrees with your porn stance. However I don't think your marriage represents most. 

My husband and I are both born again Christians and we waited till marriage to have sex also. What I know to be true... we all sin and do things we don't necessarily want to, we are human. I think there is a difference between holding someone accountable, and treating them like a child. We should respect our spouses. I would never go on my husbands computer and stalk and obsess over what internet sites he goes on. At the end of the day we are all responsible for our own sins. It's not our job to parent and police our spouses.


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## Snowflakes (Feb 18, 2017)

I'm not a man but why do men need to watch porn if they already have a partner around ? I believe having sex with your partner would make you feel better than touching yourself while watching porn wouldn't it ?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Snowflakes said:


> I'm not a man but why do men need to watch porn if they already have a partner around ? I believe having sex with your partner would make you feel better than touching yourself while watching porn wouldn't it ?




Because it's easy and convenient and always ready to go. Plus a lot of people are into weird fetishes that can't be fulfilled by their spouse.

Listen I don't think watching porn is good at all. But I get why people do it. If someone chooses to watch porn that's their prerogative. But like everything else... If done too much can cause a problem... like shopping, tanning, plastic surgery, dieting, eating.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Snowflakes said:


> I'm not a man but why do men need to watch porn if they already have a partner around ? I believe having sex with your partner would make you feel better than touching yourself while watching porn wouldn't it ?


LOL, sounds so simple. 

Hint - if the words ' no, not now - you are a sex maniac, we had sex two weeks ago' have ever passed your lips - you are the problem.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Diana7 said:


> I cant see the difference between men who look at porn and masturbate and men who look at porn and then have sex with their wives while thinking of the women he has seen in the porn. Both are adultery of the heart.
> Its looking that is just as wrong.


 I told my husband about your post.. how you assume you know every man & what goes on in his mind, heart... again so black and white...he would tell you this is not true... and although this will sound strange....it's more of a "hobby" for him.. he collects the stills (probably has a collection of every playboy bunny since the 1950's) ... he doesn't sit there salivating over them, he spends far more time clicking for downloading purposes, and it's rarely , if ever, a situation where he is looking at those, then we have sex... he does this more so with some free time, when we're on our laptops near each other even.. .. (forum posting is not his thing)

When we have our intimate time.. it's always early morning.. middle of the night or late at night, after we've been cuddling a bit... I trust I am the only woman on his mind when we're at it, we've talked about this too.... I've always felt deeply connected, wrapped up in each other. 



> You can have a great sex life without porn.
> Having a husband who only desires to sees his wife naked is very special. It makes me feel valued and respected and loved. Makes for a great sex life as well because I respect and love him for the way he is. Its not easy for men to go against the flow, but so worth it.


 It is very special for us too, we've only been with each other in this life.. I feel the same as you... even if this is hard to believe...


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Snowflakes said:


> I'm not a man but why do men need to watch porn if they already have a partner around ? I believe having sex with your partner would make you feel better than touching yourself while watching porn wouldn't it ?


For the same reasons a woman would do it. And you wouldn't believe this but sometimes women and men in a relationship watch porn together. Mind blowing, I know.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Keke24 said:


> For the same reasons a woman would do it. And you wouldn't believe this but sometimes women and men in a relationship watch porn together. Mind blowing, I know.


Which still did not answer her question. She said she does not understand why someone who has a willing and able partner would choose to watch porn. I think that is a legitimate question. Answering "for the same reasons a woman does" is not a real answer. She asked because she doesn't get why a man would watch it when his partner is available, and wants sex. The same applies to asking why a woman would watch it when her partner is available and wants sex. 

Now, whether I agree with it or not, I do understand why one would watch when being rebuffed by his or her partner. Or, even when not rebuffed, but seeming indifference. That makes sense, to me. But when partners are willing and able to have sex with each other, porn viewing makes no sense to me, either. However, it isn't for me to dictate anyone else's choice in viewing materials. 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Snowflakes said:


> I'm not a man but why do men need to watch porn if they already have a partner around ? I believe having sex with your partner would make you feel better than touching yourself while watching porn wouldn't it ?





Maricha75 said:


> Which still did not answer her question. She said she does not understand why someone who has a willing and able partner would choose to watch porn. I think that is a legitimate question. Answering "for the same reasons a woman does" is not a real answer. She asked because she doesn't get why a man would watch it when his partner is available, and wants sex. The same applies to asking why a woman would watch it when her partner is available and wants sex.
> 
> Now, whether I agree with it or not, I do understand why one would watch when being rebuffed by his or her partner. Or, even when not rebuffed, but seeming indifference. That makes sense, to me. But when partners are willing and able to have sex with each other, porn viewing makes no sense to me, either. However, it isn't for me to dictate anyone else's choice in viewing materials.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


I watch porn because it is a turn on. Watching men and women engaged in various forms of sexual play turns me on. When my partner is not around and simply thinking about our sex aint cutting it, porn facilitates my masturbation. When my partner is around, we watch porn together as a prelude to sex. 

So yep, simply put people watch porn because it turns them on. They find pleasure in watching other people be pleasured, or imagining themselves at the receiving end of whatever is being played out in a scene or vice versa.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Maricha75 said:


> Which still did not answer her question. She said she does not understand why someone who has a willing and able partner would choose to watch porn. I think that is a legitimate question. Answering "for the same reasons a woman does" is not a real answer. She asked because she doesn't get why a man would watch it when his partner is available, and wants sex. The same applies to asking why a woman would watch it when her partner is available and wants sex.
> 
> Now, whether I agree with it or not, I do understand why one would watch when being rebuffed by his or her partner. Or, even when not rebuffed, but seeming indifference. That makes sense, to me. But when partners are willing and able to have sex with each other, porn viewing makes no sense to me, either. However, it isn't for me to dictate anyone else's choice in viewing materials.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk




I'll answer this question because it's not that simple and cut and dry.

If we are talking about why people watch porn when their spouse Is in the house...
Because spouses refused sex all the time. Because depending on the time, what the spouse is doing, there may be a likelihood that they can't or don't want to have sex. Masterbating and watching porn can be a great source of relief for people. It's not about connecting or having a relationship with the women in porn, it could be a simple way to relief stress. 
Some men don't want to wait for... MAYBE my wife will say yes. Men know their wife's pretty well, they know if they refuses a lot and it they never refuse. If they are willing to do certain things in the bedroom or if they aren't. 
Here's an example: you have a wife that refuses frequently, because she's tired from running around with her 3 kids all day. Her husband feels bad always asking for sex because he sees that she's tired , he's not an idiot. So his wife has had a bad day, she's tired and has a headache. So he chooses to watch porn and masterbate because he needs the relief sparing his wife's feelings.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

So if you refused sex frequently, or make your spouse feel bad about asking, or when you do have sex and it's "dutiful" sex and you don't show outwardly that you enjoy it... I understand why people watch porn and masterbate. This is not right... but it's the way it is.
Especially if you're with someone who doesn't think porn is bad.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

katiecrna said:


> So if you refused sex frequently, or make your spouse feel bad about asking, or when you do have sex and it's "dutiful" sex and you don't show outwardly that you enjoy it... I understand why people watch porn and masterbate. This is not right... but it's the way it is.
> Especially if you're with someone who doesn't think porn is bad.


Right. And that's pretty much what I said, too. I understand why, if getting rejected, or the other spouse is not willing, for whatever reason. What Snowflakes was asking is why would they choose to watch it when the other partner is willing and able. Your example about not wanting to bother a frazzled wife makes sense, even if I think he should give her the chance to say yes or no. I know from my own experience that I have been exhausted after taking care of our three kids all day... yet still wanted sex. Sex actually helps me relax when I have had a stressful day. 

I know, each person, each couple, is different. That's why I said that even if I don't agree with it, I understand why some would feel that way and act accordingly. 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Snowflakes said:


> I'm not a man but why do men need to watch porn if they already have a partner around ? I believe having sex with your partner would make you feel better than touching yourself while watching porn wouldn't it ?


I'm male and I agree. However, the reason why I view it sometimes for a release is because my wife has a lower drive than I do. I would prefer that she was HD, (high drive, not hi-def) but that isn't the case.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Exactly. The reality is most spouses are not ALWAYS available and willing. Some are... but that's the minority.

And there are women who pride themselves on never refusing... but lay there like a dead fish.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I have seen porn and a lot of it insults my intelligence, let alone the repetetive nature, and the plethora of kinks that are now commonly available. (I have a client who has a website wherein he has sex on camera with mature women. He is in a group that produces porn aimed at men that like larger women, very much older women, and just about everything else under the sun). Frankly, I used to find the older stag films hilarious (horrible production values, people appearing in socks and shoes, not the most attractive actors etc etc.) Now, it looks pretty much the same and is boring.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Maricha75 said:


> Which still did not answer her question. She said she does not understand why someone who has a willing and able partner would choose to watch porn. I think that is a legitimate question. Answering "for the same reasons a woman does" is not a real answer. She asked because she doesn't get why a man would watch it when his partner is available, and wants sex. The same applies to asking why a woman would watch it when her partner is available and wants sex.
> 
> Now, whether I agree with it or not, I do understand why one would watch when being rebuffed by his or her partner. Or, even when not rebuffed, but seeming indifference. That makes sense, to me. But when partners are willing and able to have sex with each other, porn viewing makes no sense to me, either. However, it isn't for me to dictate anyone else's choice in viewing materials.


Some of us just ENJOY looking at Erotic stuff.. I enjoy reading it too, can't wait to see the new "50 shades of Grey" - and I'm not even into bondage & all that.. but still enjoy it...Some people love sports.... this would bore me & husband... he likes Erotic images, I prefer some video images, steamy soft core romance type .... he never watches that unless it's with me ...it is what it is.. it's not making us want to cheat or be with anyone else....I love everything about sex.. I like to look at it.

We have a friend with some unique artwork in his house... some may think it's too graphic.. a man sucking on a woman's breast, it's not a photograph but a sculpture of sorts.... another of the upper body of a male and female made out of steel with obvious curves / bulges ... this is their decor above their living room couch ... I like it... it's celebrating the sexes... 

Maybe I don't know the real difference between "erotica" and porn even... never really explored that....I think porn is more UP CLOSE -genitals in & out (we don't care for this either).... Erotica, to me, is more a celebration of love making / the beauty of our bodies together.. (we've taped ourselves too -in that celebration).


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## Safflower (Feb 17, 2017)

Porn to me simply means online prostitution. Porn star is only a fancy name for online prostitute.

The online protitutes do it for money and self validation

and sometimes were forced and manipulated to have sex with men who has no interest of their wellbeing.

Watching porn is a form of cheating since it is the same as bringing a naked woman/men (not your spouse) into the bedroom...for your viewing pleasure. Just like letting your spouse use a gigolo/**** service...just not touching them.

The only difference is that online prostitution is done in front of a camera. That's all the difference. You may not pay for the service but they are still paid...your mouse click and per view is still counted.

Saying it is not real is like giving wives permission to send sexy photos and videos to other men. There are just pixels, right? 

------

For cases where the wives have no desire to habe sex with the husbands... Husbands should give marriedmansexlife website a look. 

-----

I told my husband that if i caught him cheating again, i will still be a good maid, a good nanny and a good cook...but just no sex. Why?

Because his loyalty = opportunity have sex with me.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Safflower said:


> Porn to me simply means online prostitution. Porn star is only a fancy name for online prostitute.
> 
> The online protitutes do it for money and self validation
> 
> ...




Well I applaud your strong stance. My only advice would be to now let it go. You told him your boundary, you told him what would happen if he crosses that boundary and that's all you can do. The rest is up to him. I think that controlling him and having him use monitoring apps is going too far. He is your husband, you need to respect him and treat him like a man. Putting him on a short leash and monitoring him is not right. And two wrongs don't make a right. Goodluck )


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Maricha75 said:


> Which still did not answer her question. She said she does not understand why someone who has a willing and able partner would choose to watch porn. I think that is a legitimate question. Answering "for the same reasons a woman does" is not a real answer. She asked because she doesn't get why a man would watch it when his partner is available, and wants sex. The same applies to asking why a woman would watch it when her partner is available and wants sex.
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


IMO - most women are not as willing and able as they claim on the internet. (and reading here enough, the same could be said about some/many men).

It is easier, as you don't have to 'warm up the engine'.

It can be an addiction, which really makes no sense to me, but alas.

FWIW, I avoid porn, but I can see why some men and women use it and how easy it is to abuse it.


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## lovinghusband2016 (Dec 26, 2016)

I don't use porn or watch porn unless the wife want to watch I was a huge porn watcher I used to know all actresses and movies I have 2 girls and look at it in a different view now


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Safflower said:


> Hi guys,
> 
> Are there married man who do not use porn ?
> 
> ...


I've watched porn my entire adult life. If you compared it to alcohol consumption, I would be the guy having a drink or two every other night, not getting drunk every night. Recently I completely stopped and it has helped my relationship.

If I had to describe "how" it helped I would say that it helped me control my sexual urges and made me a stronger person. At 55 years of age having been married for 25 years, I think maybe it's time to act my age. Why lust after something I can never have and never really want to have?

I love my wife and until she dies or I die, she is it. Why not concentrate on lusting after my her and not some stranger? 

Anyway, sex is good. Lack of porn seems to have allowed me to become more of a man in my wifes eyes. That can't be a bad thing.:grin2:


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

UMP said:


> I've watched porn my entire adult life. If you compared it to alcohol consumption, I would be the guy having a drink or two every other night, not getting drunk every night. Recently I completely stopped and it has helped my relationship.
> 
> If I had to describe "how" it helped I would say that it helped me control my sexual urges and made me a stronger person. At 55 years of age having been married for 25 years, I think maybe it's time to act my age. Why lust after something I can never have and never really want to have?
> 
> ...


Was you wife ok about this all these years?

I have so much respect for my own husband because he goes against the flow and never looks at porn. Sex is far better because of that. I would loose all respect if he did.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Some of us just ENJOY looking at Erotic stuff.. I enjoy reading it too, can't wait to see the new "50 shades of Grey" - and I'm not even into bondage & all that.. but still enjoy it...Some people love sports.... this would bore me & husband... he likes Erotic images, I prefer some video images, steamy soft core romance type .... he never watches that unless it's with me ...it is what it is.. it's not making us want to cheat or be with anyone else....I love everything about sex.. I like to look at it.
> 
> We have a friend with some unique artwork in his house... some may think it's too graphic.. a man sucking on a woman's breast, it's not a photograph but a sculpture of sorts.... another of the upper body of a male and female made out of steel with obvious curves / bulges ... this is their decor above their living room couch ... I like it... it's celebrating the sexes...
> 
> Maybe I don't know the real difference between "erotica" and porn even... never really explored that....I think porn is more UP CLOSE -genitals in & out (we don't care for this either).... Erotica, to me, is more a celebration of love making / the beauty of our bodies together.. (we've taped ourselves too -in that celebration).


I enjoy eating cakes but that doesn't men its good for me.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Was you wife ok about this all these years?
> 
> I have so much respect for my own husband because he goes against the flow and never looks at porn. Sex is far better because of that. I would loose all respect if he did.


My wife knew. She has always known. You could say she tolerated it. In the end, it was MY own loss. As you obviously know "respect" is key in a relationship. The more respect a man can earn from his wife, the more she will want him, in all manner.

Talk of fidelity is just that, it's talk. However, walking the "talk" by not lusting after other women is a whole different kind of aphrodisiac!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

UMP said:


> My wife knew. She has always known. You could say she tolerated it. In the end, it was MY own loss. As you obviously know "respect" is key in a relationship. The more respect a man can earn from his wife, the more she will want him, in all manner.
> 
> Talk of fidelity is just that, it's talk. However, walking the "talk" by not lusting after other women is a whole different kind of aphrodisiac!


 You are right, I am glad that you have found that out. Respect is vital for a man, and I could never respect a man who treated me that way. I could never respect myself if I treated him that way. 
I wouldn't have put up with it all those years. I would have done what another lady I know did, she eventually gave her husband a choice, her or the porn. He realised she was serious and he stopped.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

Safflower said:


> Hi guys,
> 
> Are there married man who do not use porn ?
> 
> ...


I watch porn all the time, I would have sex multiple times a day if not, I am a sex crazed addict who need help, with my natural desire to pound my wife, all day long.


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