# oral mental block



## rorinrory (Oct 7, 2011)

i was one to try my best to save the "real thing" for the person i marry. but, me and my ex did have an oral sex relationship. my husband is aware of this. thing is, i just have like this mental "block" that i just can't bring myself to do it on my husband. i'm fine with him giving it to me, actually didnt get much of that from my ex, but i think it hurts my husband that i was able to do it fine for my ex but i can't do it on him. i want to want to, but i can't. what to do...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You need to figure out what's causing it, then you can work on what to do about it. Why do you think you have this block? Be honest with yourself.

If you can't figure it out on your own, you may need to talk to a professional who can help you sort through it.

C


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Of course it hurts him. He probably feels inferior in some way to the past boyfriend. No advice other than talking to a counsellor. If you don't deal with it, it will likely turn into a major source of resentment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

I think my wife has a similar issue, she makes me beg for it, takes rainchecks, and she's said before sometimes that she "just can't" and doesn't know why. It just seems like a HUGE hassle for her. She makes a big deal out of it and plays games, like she'll promise me a bj before bedtime, and then get really tired and ask if she can do it in the morning instead.. sometimes she follows through and sometimes the baby is up and we lose the opportunity. Recently she was going to do it but opted to go right into intercourse because 'it seemed easier.' I don't really understand this because I can go down on my wife in a heartbeat, with no hesitation. Sometimes it's me begging HER to let me do it! 

When she does go down on me, it is VERY good and worth the wait - I've got no complaints about her technique! It is a strange dynamic, not quite ideal, but with an 8 month old I am happy to be getting as much as I am, orally or otherwise.

I would say to original poster - you owe it to your husband to do whatever it takes to figure this out, especially if you've already disclosed to him what you did in previous relationships. If it's important to HIM, it's important. Oral is really important to most guys and can be the difference between a really happy relationship and a ho-hum one.

Think of what he does for you, sexually or not, that he may or may not feel like doing. What if I told my wife, I can't help out around this house / go to work / clean up after myself because I have this 'mental block' and I can't do it? It wouldn't fly, would it?


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

rorinrory said:


> i was one to try my best to save the "real thing" for the person i marry. but, me and my ex did have an oral sex relationship. my husband is aware of this. thing is, i just have like this mental "block" that i just can't bring myself to do it on my husband. i'm fine with him giving it to me, actually didnt get much of that from my ex, but i think it hurts my husband that i was able to do it fine for my ex but i can't do it on him. i want to want to, but i can't. what to do...


Yeah, you need to fix this quick, or he's never going to feel like your No. 1 choice. After observing hundreds of hours of MC, I never _once _heard a husband say "You know, I get plenty of head but the rest of my marriage is messed up." To a lot of dudes (perhaps most) it's like a barometric pressure reading on the state of their relationship. 

Is it an issue of you feeling "dirty" about it?

(*sigh*) Just another casualty of saving-it-for-marriage.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Just curious as to how your husband found out about your previous experience. Previous experiences and comparisons are usually things that can hurt current partners, so you need to be careful how, or if, these subjects are ever broached.

So, have you devled in to the reasons why you can't? Is it because the experience with the ex was bad for you? Is it because you feel guilty about the experience with your ex? You say that you 'want to want to' - does that mean that you really don't want to but somehow think you should?

Have you considered trying to start out slowly? Maybe lightly kissing his penis or just rubbing it against your face or lips, then move on to something else during foreplay? Keep working your way up to doing a little more for a little longer as part of foreplay?

Your husband just wants to know that HE is the one that you desire. Think about all of the ways, not just through this one act of oral sex and not just in the bedroom, that you could show him this.

Best wishes.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I often wonder if women view men into 2 categories:

1. The marrying type
2. The fool-around-with type

Let me make my case. . .it's because you hear from women so much that men categorize women into:

1. Slu+
2. Marrying type

When it's just not that black and white for men.

You had no problem giving Man #1 head, but have a problem with your husband. 

Is it a sowing your wild oats thing and now that you are married, you feel like you should be more "settled" or something? Just trying to delve into your mind a bit and get to the root of this mental block.


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## rorinrory (Oct 7, 2011)

i think it's partly i've always been the kind of person that if i do something, it's because i want to, and that's one thing i started into because of someone guilting me into it. i mean yes, he did not always have to guilt me every time we did it but i still resent him for it. i have never been truly made to want to do it. 
i am also still ashamed for having done it as it also led to some other things that wound up causing HUGE problems with me and my hubby, not to mention i do not believe it was right for me to do those things with him at all. those were some of the biggest mistakes i have ever made. 
because of my religious beliefs, i do not believe in doing many things with any man before marriage, and so i felt it was only right to tell my future husband i had kept the most important of those, but had failed in other areas. though, not that that did me any good either because now (you can read my other post in the spirituality board i think it is) my husband thinks i also gave my ex my true virginity as well even though this is not true. 
yes, we've got some seriously screwed up issues there. 
we are not as intimate as we have been before, my husband had lost his job over the past 6 mos and cannot hold a job due to his temper and health, and i have been both resenting this and overworking myself at my job to pay the bills as well. i came to really realize this after some discussions today and i am going to work on that part very hard. i may begin seeing a counciller soon, i have been having alot of migranes and breakdowns due to stress, also husband says i have been grouchy lately. we used to have sex like crazy all the time, anywhere anytime maybe once maybe 3 times, but now i don't want it at all. i need to reduce both our stresses


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

How does he know about your ex?

My hubs and I know we have had exes, but we never got into detail about sex with exes. No thanks-- don't need the visuals!


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## rorinrory (Oct 7, 2011)

i really only had one boyfriend before my husband. i do notbelieve it is right to do many things before marriage and i only felt it was right to disclose i had not waited on all the things as i should have, but that the most important one was saved for him.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I don't think any God expects you to be perfect. 

You mention that your hubby can't hold down a job because of his temper and health. That has got to impact your desire for him sexually. And all the guilt you are feeling - that is totally unnecessary. You are human and humans are sexual beings.

You said saving your virginity was the "most important thing". What about saving your true love for your husband? Isn't that important, too?

Here are the things I think you need to explore:
1) Being "guilted" into bjs to your XBF - and how you had free will to say yes or no. Taking responsibility for your actions will help you not feel like a victim. Your need to please is probably why you agreed to give him bjs. My guess is you will feel better about it when you learn how to set boundaries (with your husband and everyone else) and only do things you want to do, not because you feel "guilty".
2) Your hubby's temper and how it impacts your feelings for him
3) Your religious beliefs about forgiveness and self-compassion and whether or not your religion allows for it

You would benefit from counseling. Anyone who is "guilted" into doing things sexually could use some help learning how to be assertive and to set boundaries. Taking control of your life and develolping your own identity will help you, but chances are that wasn't encouraged in your childhood.


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## Robrobb (Jun 18, 2010)

I want to add to the chorus of recommending counseling, but to also suggest that couples counseling - rather than just individual - may be the way to go. There may be at root a personal issue, but it sounds like your issues come from your view of intimate relationships and a sense of shame for who you were then and/or are now. This is something that ought to be discussed with both of you. Discussing these matters without excluding him would be a gesture of trust that he might see favorably. Plus, he's already involved and knows (at least some of) what's troubling you. A good counselor will establish a therapy with discussions that involve, at times, both of you and at others, each of you alone, if that's how you want it down the line. But start together and end together.


Consider carefully if you'd prefer to see a professional marriage counselor or to approach your minister or another counselor from within your church. I can see advantages to both, and in fact you might consider time with both types. 

The good news is that you want to make this change. I don't see why you can't work this out if you're both on board.


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