# Is it time to seperate?



## Lisa101 (Apr 5, 2011)

Hi everyone!
I am new to the forum and felt that posting on this forum might help me make some big decisions and find some more clarity.
I have been reading some of the threads and it is already making me feel a little better knowing there are others feeling the exact way I do.

Some background about myself. I am 26 and have been married to my husband for only 3 years. We don't have any children. I am from a different country to the one we are living in now, which is where he was born and raised. I am the one who is feeling like a seperation is needed. There are many, many reasons why, but I would say that overall, I don't feel that I am in love with the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Looking back, I sort of feel that when we started our relationship it may have been just a bit of an adventure as we were from different countries and met while traveling. At the time the only option for us to be together after trials in each country was to actually choose and and be married. We probably wouldn't have gotten married so soon if we didn't have that pressure.

I do care for him, but deep down I am feeling honestly like he is not the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. We have different views ad beliefs on different things that will eventually clash. Especially if we had children which would just make it harder. I can't wait to have children, but at the same time, I am skeptical to have them with him, because I am already feeling this way. I don't want to bring innocent children into the equation.

We tried some counseling for a few months a while back, but 6 months on, nothing has changed really. He has admitted that he hasn't followed through with anything the counselor suggested. I'm not saying everything is up to him to change, but I feel that my major problem is not having any family around. All my family is still in my home country and we are surrounded my his family and friends. Although it has been 3 years living here, it is hard to get used to being alone. I get very homesick and he feels he can't help me. He says we could eventually go back home, but in his mind it would only be a trial. But it's very hard to pick up and start a life in another country for only a trial. I think of when I have kids and there is no way I couldn't have any family around. He is not as close to his parents as I am to mine, and I want them involved in their lives.

Anyway, there are some other things that I am struggling with but I am havinga hard time coping with my guilt. I feel like it is all my fault that I have let it get to this point and just fallen out of love. Because he doesn't feel that way at all. He knows we have issues, but he still loves me. Is it selfish if I am feeling this way to want to be happy? Since I have been here, I have tried to make everyone else happy and have realised that I am not happy. I feel like it is time to let myself be happy, but I am scared of hurting so many people. I think that's why this is hard because I know I will hurt my husband, but sometimes we have to do what is best right?!

We have had talks in the last week or so. A serious one and then days passed and he didn't bring it up even though we stopped talking because it was late and said we would continue at a better time. He never brought it up for 4 days, until I did. Then we had another serious talk, in which I actually mentioned about having some time alone. He said he didn't want to be apart. And since then he is still acting like everything is just fine and still the same. Hasn't brought it up and it hasn't changed anyhting. I feel like maybe he is denying it or something? I don't know? But it is making it harder for me to actually make my decision and do something about it.

I have been looking at my possibilities of moving out. I feel that even though I am the one who has no family or friends to go to, I am the one that wants to move out. I feel like I have never really been independent and even though it would be financially stressful since I just went back to university, I want to be the one to get another small apartment. I feel like he is going to argue that and say he should move out or go with his parents, but I don't actually want to stay here. In a way I want a resh start.

I guess I am feeling a little scared to bring it up again because even though we have talked about it, I know the next one has to be the serious one ans put my foot down. Does anyone has advice for me because I really do think he is in a state of denial and I am the type of person who is easily convinced. I feel I need to be strong and get my point across but without being really mean about it. I don't know.
I think like everyone else who is part of this forum or just looking at it, I am on a roller coaster of emotions and feeling a little lost, lonely and helpless. So any and all advice or help would be appreciated so much!
Thanks!
Lisa


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

From your post it looks like you got married young but you still have a desire to experience life without the natural limits imposed by marriage. This is why some couples should marry later in life.

Whatever you do make sure not to bring babies into this situation because it does not look like a stable foundation for a child. Secondly you need to be honest with yourself and your husband about how you feel. It is normal for a spouse who loves to to react in this matter because their feelings are independant of yours and he may want to stay married. Nevertheless its not fair for you to keep this going if you are not commited to your marriage or love him like a wife should love her husband.

Ultimately its really up to you at this point. YOU have to make this decision on whats best for you because if you continue to stay in a loveless marriage resentment will turn into hate and trust me its not a healthy enviroment for a person to live in. Its like building a nice house next to an active volcano. Hell of a view but destined to burn. Good luck and I hope you find what you want in life.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Were you ever in love with him? 

If you are 100% sure about how you feel I would advise you to be open and honest with him. I say try to work things out, set a time limit and if you still feel the same way, consider your options. Most marriages will hit a rut and hard times and times you feel you can't stand your partner. It goes up. It goes down.

If at the end of a set time limit you find you have exhausted all avenues of restoring your marriage, then think about your next move. If you are out of love then I think the worst thing you could do for yourself and to him is to stay together if your heart is not in it. It's not fair to you or him.


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