# How many dates before sex?



## Deejo

Yup. It's a sex question, but this is the most appropriate forum for it.

I'm curious what the perspective is from anyone who finds themselves in the dating trenches.

I'm not asking for guidance. I already have my own dating code. Just curious how others think about or deal with the subject when it comes to dating, or what your own code is?

Is it even on your radar?


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## greeneyeddolphin

Well, I'm in a relationship now, and I doubt I'll ever be dating again, but...I never had a set rule on it. To me, I did it when I wanted to and it felt right. Whenever that was. With my boyfriend, I only waited 3 weeks, and it probably wouldn't have been that long if not for the fact that he's an otr truck driver and was gone all that time. 

As a general rule, I never slept with anyone on the first date. It wasn't because I had any real moral opposition to it, but mainly because I just figured that if the guy was worth it, there would be plenty of time for getting to that.


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## misspuppy

in no the best to ask either, hubby and i met and was having sex with in a week or 2 .. and we have been married for 9 yrs now .. i guess it all depends on the person and what they go for.. for me i was alone for almost 4 yrs so i guess i had it coming ( no pun intended lol)...


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## MsLonely

My husband and me had sex on the very first date.  before we met, we're online chat friends and we chatted & saw each other via webcam for couple of times but then we stopped chatting as we were in our own relationship. After a long while not talking to each other, one day I saw him online and said hi to him. Then we decided to meet each other because we found out that both of us were dumped by bf and gf. LOL 8 years being together, 6 years marriage. Lots of shxt happened in marriage life but still not yet regret.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Crazytown

I don't have a rule either. When I was doing "real" dating I would pretty much wait as long as I needed to so I felt comfortable. This could take weeks or months. 
When I was hanging out at a bar and flirting with an interesting or hot guy- mabe I would go home with him that same night. I never thought any of those men had dating potential though... One that I dated after a ONS ended up being a real jerk.


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## Deejo

Appreciate the input. I suppose what I'm looking for is at what point does the switch get thrown?

When it comes to that first meeting or date, what is that the person does, or doesn't do where you subconsciously check that box that says; yeah, I want to sleep with him or her, or you acknowledge there is no way it's ever going to happen.

My presumption is that you know on the first date. May not act on it, but you know.


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## silk-butterfly

Well just last night on my third date I had a kiss and cuddle but couldn`t carry on further he respected my wishes although he wanted more.

Although I thought it was all about sex right now just feeling the warmth of him was more than enough.

I think if you have strong principles it doesn`t matter what urge you have they override them and direct you in the right direction.Your body will not react if your concience is telling you something else.

So what I say is be daring don`t worry let your body and mind direct you.Also be honest with the person and eveything will be fine.So far so good for me.

It`s been a long difficult journey at times not being able to see any light at the end of the tunnel carried on through darkness saw the light(which would go out of sight again) carried on for a long time to reach it.At times never thought I reach that EITHER.That was worse because you can see it but can`t get there.

I like where I am at right now and that is thanks to this sight and SI.I still wish I had found it earlier though.For 2 years didn`t know what was going on.

Take care eveyone I always wanted to write here when or if I got here.Many people leave when they get to a place of well being I just wanted to share with you that it is possible to be OK!! again


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## Deejo

Very well said silk-butterfly, and I'm happy for you.

As for the kiss and cuddle date, did you want more? What I'm asking is, is it your belief or expectation that this relationship is going to be a sexual one? 

I don't mean to imply that sex is or should be the goal. That's not my point and I don't think I'm expressing my point very eloquently.

I'm in a new relationship. Following the first date, I knew this is someone that I wanted to get to know more and would like to be intimate with. The successive dates were about building that foundation of learning about one another, and establishing rapport.

By date #3 I was very confident that we were moving towards an intimate relationship. As a result, I really don't feel any need to rush a thing. Whereas, I think if I didn't have that 'vibe' at all, or she made it clear that sex wasn't on her radar ... we wouldn't have had dates 4,5, and 6.

I'm pretty open about what I'm looking for. I'm not looking to simply hook up, but having been intimacy deprived for many years as my marriage died - if intimacy isn't a possibility, I'm not much interested. I'll be even more specific, I'm looking for bonfire passion and sparks flying every where.

In that regard, it's pretty easy to tell if someone is onboard with that program.

Best of luck with your new beau.


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## Deejo

So ... at what point had you mentally greenlit your boyfriend?



atruckersgirl said:


> Well, I'm in a relationship now, and I doubt I'll ever be dating again, but...I never had a set rule on it. To me, I did it when I wanted to and it felt right. Whenever that was. With my boyfriend, I only waited 3 weeks, and it probably wouldn't have been that long if not for the fact that he's an otr truck driver and was gone all that time.
> 
> As a general rule, I never slept with anyone on the first date. It wasn't because I had any real moral opposition to it, but mainly because I just figured that if the guy was worth it, there would be plenty of time for getting to that.


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## greeneyeddolphin

Deejo said:


> So ... at what point had you mentally greenlit your boyfriend?


It's hard to say for sure. We were getting to know each other for about 3 weeks before our first date, and had gotten to know each other quite well during that time frame - well enough that I knew before the first date that I wanted a real relationship with him. On our first date, he kissed me, and that showed me more than ever that there was definitely physical attraction there and that was when I consciously thought that I wanted to have an intimate relationship. 

But I can't say I didn't subconsciously think it at some point before that first date. 

I think most people know by the end of the first date if the physical attraction is there to make them want to sleep with someone. I think by no later than the end of the second date they know if they like the person enough in other ways to eventually want that sexual relationship. That doesn't necessarily mean that sexual relationship ever becomes reality. There are lots of things that could happen to interfere in that, but I think by the end of the second date, maybe the third, most people could (if they were honest) tell you that either they do want to sleep with that person, or they don't.


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## Deejo

Gotta say, I just find this stuff interesting. I swapped emails and phone calls with a woman for almost 3 weeks prior to our meeting. We really connected. We even talked about sex.

Fast forward to first date. Was a total bust. No physical chemistry whatsoever. We had pics of each other, nobody was going in blind, but upon meeting, it just didn't click.

I think we were both disappointed. I incorporated the communication restriction into my 'code' following that event. No lengthy, 1 plus hour phone conversations prior to first date, and first date should occur within 10 days of first contact. May sound silly, but as a guideline it's worked out pretty well.


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## Ladybugs

until the wedding night.....mmmm, wow...uh, you know i read a study that said orthodox Jews have the best sex of all...part of it they based on assumption that they are waiting for the wedding night :smthumbup:


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## Deejo

laelsmom said:


> until the wedding night.....mmmm, wow...uh, you know i read a study that said orthodox Jews have the best sex of all...part of it they based on assumption that they are waiting for the wedding night :smthumbup:


I respect that choice, but having already done the marriage thing - waiting for the wedding night is off the table.


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## Atholk

Deejo said:


> I think we were both disappointed. I incorporated the communication restriction into my 'code' following that event. No lengthy, 1 plus hour phone conversations prior to first date, and first date should occur within 10 days of first contact. May sound silly, but as a guideline it's worked out pretty well.


I think that's reasonable. Time is a valuable commodity.

Speaking from the dark side of the force...

... date a minimum of three women.

If someone comes to the head of the class and you want a serious relationship then you can look at focusing on just one of them. Otherwise take what's offered and prioritize based on what's offered sexually.

Welcome to the harsh new world of dating. :-/


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## Deejo

Atholk said:


> I think that's reasonable. Time is a valuable commodity.
> 
> Speaking from the dark side of the force...
> 
> ... date a minimum of three women.
> 
> If someone comes to the head of the class and you want a serious relationship then you can look at focusing on just one of them. Otherwise take what's offered and prioritize based on what's offered sexually.
> 
> Welcome to the harsh new world of dating. :-/


I've discovered that once you accept that it is 'harsh', and you have some guidelines other than 'I hope she likes me' ... there aren't many surprises and it doesn't seem quite so harsh.

I started dating multiple women, could be the ADD, could be age, but honestly? I couldn't remember who I shared what details with let alone remembering details they shared with me. There were some awkward moments.


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## Scannerguard

I have heard 3 is a general rule where at least the woman wont think you're a pig for trying and get offended. 

In fact, go over 3 and run the opposite risk and she's thinking you're dead or something.


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## Deejo

The rule of 3 has been my gold standard. Something sexual on the 3rd date - not necessarily the full monty.


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