# No More Mr. Nice Guy Book



## Finwe (Nov 5, 2015)

I read it. Re-read it. And went over it again.

I did not find it very helpful. It appears that this book is very popular for guys who are looking to step up their confidence game and to get what they want sexually.

Am I missing something? I could be a bit old and established - I suspect the target audience is for younger men. ( I am in my mid-forties).


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

It's for men with a very specific problem, not for all men. If you aren't a "nice guy" then it won't do much for you (I'm sure you're a nice person, just not a "nice guy")


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## Finwe (Nov 5, 2015)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> It's for men with a very specific problem, not for all men. If you aren't a "nice guy" then it won't do much for you (I'm sure you're a nice person, just not a "nice guy")


Thank you good sir.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Finwe said:


> I read it. Re-read it. And went over it again.
> 
> I did not find it very helpful. It appears that this book is very popular for guys who are looking to step up their confidence game and to get what they want sexually.
> 
> Am I missing something? I could be a bit old and established - I suspect the target audience is for younger men. ( I am in my mid-forties).


It works well for a fairly small group of people whose partners also fit a specific mindset. Unfortunately it is attributed magic powers for widespread use...


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Finwe said:


> Am I missing something?


It is not so much about being confident, but more about just being candid and open about being selfish instead of being sneaky or manipulative to get what you want.

Some people think they can get what they want by being selfless, helping others first in ways that are not even needed, and then expecting help in return. NOPE! That is called manipulation (or making "covert contracts" as NMMNG might say). 

NMMNG just tries to convey that if you need someone's help to be selfish about something, just ask.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Finwe said:


> *I read it. Re-read it. And went over it again.*
> 
> I did not find it very helpful. It appears that this book is very popular for guys who are looking to step up their confidence game and to get what they want sexually.
> 
> *Am I missing something?* I could be a bit old and established - *I suspect the target audience is for younger men. ( I am in my mid-forties)*.


I found it and two other books extremely helpful in saving my sex starved marriage of 40+years. I was in my early 60's. So I don't think age is the target.

I agree that it is targeted at men that are raised by women authority figures and want their wife's validation. I found that MW Davis book the Sex Starved Marriage was the perfect companion book to Glover's NMMNG.

Both talked about a fairly similar family dynamic and addressed it in slightly different, but a similar approach. Both stressed Get A Life. Both stressed backing off the pursuit of your spouse. 

Getting a Life is not so much about confidence, but it does have that component. My take on Glover is that GAL is about becoming a better you, more physically strong and a more integrated man who is proud of what he is accomplishing with his new life and no longer needs validation from his spouse. My take on Davis is that GAL is about dedicating yourself to changing your life and showing your spouse that hard change is possible. For my GAL, I lost weight, worked out, took up hobbies I had dropped early in my marriage, mountain climbing, endurance running (half marathons), and long distance bicycling (100+ miles/day). 

I also started dressing better and doing things on my own, going for walks, going to sporting events without my wife, and hanging out with male friends. Something they both talk about is stop being clingy and pursuing too much. That was great advice.

While MW Davis talks at length about 180's and how to change the interpersonal dynamic between the couple, Glover stresses the regaining of a man's masculine core. Both of these are really geared at showing both yourself and your spouse that things have changed and that the way your spouse treated you in the past is not how you are going to allow yourself to be treated. While you can not change your spouse they are the only ones that can change themself, you can establish a different dynamic in the relationship and that will cause your spouse to question themself how they should react to the new you. They may react positively or they may negatively react or them may try to react in the same old way, but it doesn't produce the same old result. 

When my wife started to feel emotionally close to me, she knew my hot buttons and would pick a fight so that we argued and she regained her emotional distance. I stopped taking the bait and would not argue back at her, instead I would look at her in a calm adult fashion and ask her why she just said what she did. Deer in the headlights. She would say she didn't know and was sorry. The point was that by my not engaging in the fight, I did a 180 and she had to change the way she interacted. Alternately, by my being an adult male who didn't have to fight if he didn't want to and who respected and valued his wife, she didn't know what to do. Turning in your Nice Guy card doesn't have to make you a jerk.

I found MW Davis book the Sex Starved Marriage and Glover's book NMMNG to be companion books covering much the same topic from slightly different perspectives.

The other book that helped me was Chapman's 5 Languages of Love. It is about how we all have different primary and secondary love languages. These are the ways we show love and the things we need our partner to do for us so that we feel loved and cherished. Providing your spouse love in a way that they can feel loved is really important. Figuring out what you need to feel loved and cherished is also critical if you re to communicate it to your spouse. 

For me figuring out that I had been telling my wife how much I loved her every day in my love languages and that she had been telling me how much she loved me in her love languages and yet neither of us felt loved in our own love languages was eye opening. It allowed me to change the way I treated my wife so that she finally felt loved and cherished. That meant that she started to value the marriage much more so those feelings could continue. 

If you want a 4th book I would suggest David Schnarch the Crucible. It is about self differentiation and self soothing, which are to a certain extent part of GAL. The idea is to "grow" yourself into a better person who is more connected to your spouse. It is also about negotiating and compromise with your spouse in the constant pull and tug of each of you maturing and changing at different rates throughout your marriage.

I hope this helps a little bit with your question.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Young, with all due respect, what saved your marriage was your wife's willingness to participate. The method is largely irrelevant.

I could have Athol Kay, MW Davis, and Dr. Glover over for dinner and none of them are going to motivate my wife. It's on her to do it. 

The more she has to lose by not playing along, the more the likelihood of cooperation and vice versa. Simple decision analysis theory.

If she's more resentful of being dumped at 63 than putting out, guess what? And vice versa.


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## Finwe (Nov 5, 2015)

Young at Heart said:


> I found it and two other books extremely helpful in saving my sex starved marriage of 40+years. I was in my early 60's. So I don't think age is the target.
> 
> I agree that it is targeted at men that are raised by women authority figures and want their wife's validation. I found that MW Davis book the Sex Starved Marriage was the perfect companion book to Glover's NMMNG.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the book report!


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