# Treading Water



## Sabrina2 (Jan 19, 2014)

Hello, I've been married for just short of 8 years. My husband and I wed when I was 20 and he was 23, in a civil ceremony in our street clothes when we were both active duty military. 

The big positive in our relationship is that we get along well. Unfortunately this seems to be a double edged sword, but more on that later. We make each other laugh and are respectful to one another on the surface level of our relationship. 

Deeper down, there are significant problems. Besides the many issues we had when we first got married - which were related to his ex-fiance and general life inexperience and rushing into our marriage - we have some differences that make me think I should just walk away. 

The biggest ongoing issue is money. I am not particularly great with money, but I am the bread winner. My husband has not worked since he was medically separated from the military in 2011, so almost 3 years without a job. He never went overseas, his medical injuries are from the field and a bad surgery. He was in school but school ended 3 months ago. Besides not having a job, we have been barely keeping afloat. We had some credit card debt that was perpetuated with a few accidents that have set us behind an additional 10k. 

As an example of how close we are scraping, I got paid yesterday and after paying all our bills, we have 56 dollars left in our account to live on until January 3rd. Luckily I bought 25 dollars in groceries today and live near where I work. 

But not only do I work a regular 40 hour a week job, I also work a second job doing about 10 hours of work a week. Last year, I worked 7 days a week, 60 - 80 hours, for over 9 months straight to try and get us ahead. Instead, we have fallen further behind.

I really feel fed up with him more than anything else. He does not clean and never cooked satisfactory meals for me when I would get home at 9:30 pm. We moved into a house share where we have two rooms to cut down on costs, and his room is a complete disaster. There are crumbs on the floor, stuff stacked everywhere, ice cream containers that I just threw away from over 2 weeks ago, dirty tissues on the floor. 

Not to mention the bathroom, with balls of hair on the ground along with dirty q tips. And this is just in the past 6 days since I cleaned on Sunday. 

He did laundry yesterday and threw it on my bed instead of folding it. I've been asking him for 6 weeks to get my oil changed in my car, and finally I got fed up and took it today. I'm sure I'll have to take his truck and vacuum it out as well since there is vomit from our dog on the rug that has been there for almost a month. 

He sits on his computer all day and does nothing. He watches movies, works on music projects, and has Facebook chats where he lies about his life - he talks about projects he's working on that are completely fabricated and talks himself up like he's really great at all these things that he has no idea how to do. He also occasionally messages girls he knows and tells them how pretty they are. 

Given any opportunity for self improvement, reflection, growth, or change - he completely balks and digs his heels in. He refuses to make a household budget because "we don't have any money to budget," won't go to personal counseling or enroll in marriage counseling because we can't afford it (which is true). 

I feel the only way this will change is if I make ultimatums. He will change things if I threaten divorce temporarily. I cannot understand why he is OK living like this - it is completely unacceptable to me. 

We also have no romance. We say I love you all the time - but he sleeps on his futon and we haven't had sex in almost a year. He hasn't bought me a Christmas present or Birthday present since 2011, or made any sort of gesture of affection. I threw him a surprise party in 2012 for his birthday where friends he hasn't seen in years drove from 8+ hours away to see him. He wouldn't have even thanked me if I hadn't brought it up. 

I feel like I am settling. I feel like I can do so much better and deserve so much better than what I am receiving. I am constantly trying to better myself and our relationship, and it feels like I'm dragging this cement pillar behind me. 

I do not know what else I can do without expelling a huge amount of emotional energy into taking control of everything and forcing him to change. 

Is that even the right thing to do? At this point, I feel like walking away.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Tell him he must have a job by summer or it's over. And he must keep the job. Once he gets a job he will probably get better with everything else.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Sorry, technical difficulties.

Could you get him to look at therapy? He sounds possibly depressed. Being medically separated prior to reaching his goals may have given him the kind of set back he simply wasn't able to cope with. 

I don't have much faith in marriage counseling, but you should go to therapy yourself. If for nothing else but to learn to communicate in a way that reaches him....maybe. I think it will help you.

Put you foot down about the job. Be prepared to leave by June 1 if he isn't fully employed.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

He also needs to take immediate action. Doing his share around the house. Not messaging other women and flirting with them.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WayUpNorth (Dec 14, 2013)

Who puts up with this?


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Sounds like he may need therapy. And you need to apply some tough love and he either shapes up or you are out of there


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