# One year



## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

Anyone else in a marriage with no sex for a year or more - how do you cope ....


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I got divorced.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

It would help to understand the circumstances of this 1yr+ drought. Is there a reason you can think of why it has gone this long?


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

some are in marriages with no sex for even longer periods. how to cope really depends on the circumstances and how things are going in other aspects of the relationship.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

My marriage had been in trouble before. Wife cheatinging on me. Thought we were in a reconciliation, silly me. It was just enough time for her to better figure out her new plan. No sex for more than a year. I realized that things were truly over, and filed-----> divorced.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I finally accepted that I was part of the problem. Then I got busy fixing that.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

KMC, iirc your wife is a CSA victim. If so, things will not change. Forever. Unless she seeks qualified trauma therapy and does hard hard work.

Cope? The only way I did was because there was something more important to me. It was my teen and pre-teen girls whom I believed needed me in the home. Absent a higher priority, sexlessness is not survivable imho.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> I got divorced.


You said it girl! Best coping mechanism ever.

A year and no nooky? My hand just isn't that cute.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I also got divorced, best decision ever.


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## ericthesane (May 10, 2013)

the 3 year mark was on July 6th.

I still need to get a few things organized and planned for, but soon, she will find the house empty, a letter saying good luck, and I am out of there ......

Some people do cope.... some do not.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

KendalMintcake said:


> Anyone else in a marriage with no sex for a year or more - how do you cope ....


As another said, I realized eventually that I was part of the problem and worked on fixing me.

I also devoted myself to reading relationship books to learn all I could to try to save the marriage. I would suggest by starting wiht MW Davis the Sex Starved Marriage. Then I would suggest Chapman's 5 Languages of Love and Glovers No More Mr. Nice Guy.
Re-read the books until you understand the messages they are saying to you.

I then worked on getting a life, through exercise, weight loss and hobbies. I started to dress better and became a happier person to be around. I also started providing her with unconditional love in HER love languages. Ultimately my wife noticed the changes. 

She asked to read some of the books that had such a profound impact on me. I started her off with MW Davis Sex Starved Marriage and Chapman's 5 LL. I also insisted that she got a full medical work up from a doctor including checks on hormone levels.

I did some 180's and detatchment things suggested by Davis. I also made a promise to myself that marriage was not a vow of chastity and that I was going to be in a loving sexual relationship with a woman by a certain milestone birthdate well off in the future. I looked up the divorce laws in our state, and found out when I would have to file for divorce so that everything was finalized about 3 months prior to my milestone birthday.

Then I told my wife that we needed to see a sex therapist and get help. She reluctantly agreed and felt that there was nothing wrong with her. Ultimately the sex therapist asked my wife what she thought would happen if we never had sex again. My wife admitted that at some point we would probably divorce. The therapist asked me if I had thought of divorce. I said yes, and that I had made a promist to myself to be in a loving sexual relationship by a certain date and that that meant I would need to file for divorce by a certain date. 

My wife was stunned. 

The sex therapist thought that was reasonable and that it gave my wife an opportunity to decide what she wanted; marriage or divorce. The therapist also helped us figure out what we each needed and wanted from marriage and how to reach a compromise on the sexual aspects of marriage. Ultimately, the therapist told my wife that she could either save the marriage by changing how she treated me or she could wait for the divorce to happen and know she was completely responsible for the outcome.

My wife choose to remain married.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Young at Heart said:


> As another said, I realized eventually that I was part of the problem and worked on fixing me.
> 
> I also devoted myself to reading relationship books to learn all I could to try to save the marriage. I would suggest by starting wiht MW Davis the Sex Starved Marriage. Then I would suggest Chapman's 5 Languages of Love and Glovers No More Mr. Nice Guy.
> Re-read the books until you understand the messages they are saying to you.
> ...



Sometimes it's all just hypothetical until the potential consequences smack you in the face. Glad it's working out for you.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> Sometimes it's all just hypothetical until the potential consequences smack you in the face. Glad it's working out for you.


Your comment about fixing me, is one that needs to be repeated more. In most troubled marriages both parties have some contribution to the problem.

Yes, some things take a deer in the headlights moment to comprehend.

Several months later, my wife once asked me if I would have really divorced her over just a lack of sex. I looked at her and said yes. She found that hard to internalize. 

However, once years later when it was clear she wasn't too thrilled about having sex, but presented herself to me in a loving way, I asked why afterwards. She said, because she wants to remain married to me for the rest of her life and she enjoys making me happy. So she finally did understand things.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Young at Heart said:


> Your comment about fixing me, is one that needs to be repeated more. In most troubled marriages both parties have some contribution to the problem.
> 
> Yes, some things take a deer in the headlights moment to comprehend.
> 
> ...


Mind if I ask, why isn't she thrilled with sex?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Young at Heart said:


> Your comment about fixing me, is one that needs to be repeated more. In most troubled marriages both parties have some contribution to the problem.
> 
> Yes, some things take a deer in the headlights moment to comprehend.
> 
> ...


Hopefully it's done more out of the second reason than the first.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

EllisRedding said:


> Mind if I ask, why isn't she thrilled with sex?


My wife usually really enjoys having sex about once a week to twice every three weeks. We try to reserve that for Saturday or Sunday morning, when she can be more rested and feels the least work pressure.

More than that just seems more than she wants for herself. She knows it is important to me and she does enjoy pleasuring me most of the rest of the time for out agreed upon twice a week. She often gives me the gift of her physical love and body. 

Sometimes, even then, she has a hard time letting go of her job, and things that she is trying to remember to not forget. Also if she doesn't get about 9 hours sleep she just has a hard time coping. So there are lots of things that can get in the way.

As to the why no oral. Damn good question. My wife has some huge self-image body issues and some growing up as a good girl educated from grade school to early college by Catholic nuns (Actually they should have been called Nones). Before marriage we talked about certain acts and she assurred me that the nuns told her "anything" in marriage was OK. Later she told me that the nuns had no idea what "anything" meant. But that is another story and would hijack the OP's thread.


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