# LD female doesn't initiate...makes HD male mad



## Belle_Saint (Mar 10, 2014)

DH and I are 34. We've been together for 13 years. We have 2 boys younger than 7 years old.

When my HD husband initiates, I go with it. I try to act excited and in to it but I guess I'm not a good actress. I'm good with sex once a month, he likes it 2-3 times a week. We have sex at least (usually) once a week.

He usually initiates it. If it's been a week and nothing has happened, I initiate it so I don't get the silent treatment. We argue monthly about sex. It's the ONLY thing wrong in our relationship.

He gets mad because I don't initiate. He gets mad because he can't find stuff that turns me on.

I get mad because nothing turns me on. I'm about to go to the OB/GYN but in the mean time....I don't want to lose him.

We recently had a nice date. He brought me to a rooftop restaurant then watched fireworks from afar. He thought that would turn me on...I loved it, I thought it was so romantic, but that didn't make me want to jump his bones. That pissed him off so he hasn't talked to me for the past week. He will talk to me about our children but there's no other side conversation or communication. I hate this.


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## tornado (Jan 10, 2014)

The problem is you don't wanna fix the problem, you want your husband to accept and be okay with your terms. If its really important to you make time and make it work.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Don't know what to tell you. I feel bad for your man. And you too.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

If your husband like 2-3 times a week he's not HD.

He's the higher drive in your relationship, but far from HD. 

That aside: Have you always been like this? What was it like when you were dating? Any kids added to the mix?


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

tornado said:


> The problem is you don't wanna fix the problem, you want your husband to accept and be okay with your terms. If its really important to you make time and make it work.


Sorry, I think that's unfair.

Belle is recognizing the problem and wanting to deal with it. There are plenty of men here who'd love to have that over what they have right now. 

I'd suggest to try and help her, or move along. Potshots at her don't help.


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## tornado (Jan 10, 2014)

*Re: Re: LD female doesn't initiate...makes HD male mad*



larry.gray said:


> Sorry, I think that's unfair.
> 
> Belle is recognizing the problem and wanting to deal with it. There are plenty of men here who'd love to have that over what they have right now.
> 
> I'd suggest to try and help her, or move along. Potshots at her don't help.


No shot.

Most people don't wanna change, they want everybody else to change. Human nature


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

40% of women are LD naturally. It's nothing to be ashamed of. 

Are you on the birth control pill? That decreases drive as does low thyroid. 

Have you tried bringing a vibrator into the mix? Maybe you need more stimulation than he is providing?


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

Belle_Saint said:


> We recently had a nice date. He brought me to a rooftop restaurant then watched fireworks from afar. He thought that would turn me on...I loved it, I thought it was so romantic, but that didn't make me want to jump his bones. *That pissed him off so he hasn't talked to me for the past week. He will talk to me about our children but there's no other side conversation or communication. I hate this.*


In order for an LD/HD relationship to work, there HAS to be communication from both parties, and a *lot *of it.
You have to be able to discuss openly with one another about your needs and find solutions you can both live happily with. 

If he's unwilling to communicate with you (or you with him) there's not much that can be done, imho.

ETA:



Belle_Saint said:


> He gets mad because I don't initiate. He gets mad because he can't find stuff that turns me on.
> 
> I get mad because nothing turns me on. I'm about to go to the OB/GYN but in the mean time....I don't want to lose him.



Honestly, nothing my SO does turns me on, so I had to go out looking for things that did on my own. When you say that nothing turns you on, how much experimenting/looking have you done?
It took a while (months) , but I did _finally_ find one or two things that do the trick.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

indiecat said:


> 40% of women are LD naturally. It's nothing to be ashamed of.



Curious, where did that number come from???


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

How often do you think about sex and when you do think about sex what images pop into your mind and what feelings are associated with those images?

This is a huge issue for a lot of women particularly with young kids in the house. How do you get your mind on sex when you're scraping boogers off the walls and watching X men and transformers all day? Not sexy at all. And you dress for combat, not sex. You wear combat clothes and when it's time to go to bed you're tired from wiping noses and giving cuddles and cutting the crust off the bread, none of which remind you of sex.

So you have to change your daily routine, you have to change your wardrobe, you have to change what you think about and you have to pay attention to how you feel when you DO think about sex. You have to work on embracing those naughty erotic thoughts, embracing the images of the last time you had great sex and you have to hold onto those feelings.

You have to wake up your nerve endings by touching them. You have to caress your skin and wake up your sensations. You have think about your beautiful body while you're in the shower, not the grocery list or which friend can come over to play.

Focus you mind on sex every day, several times a day. Train your brain to think sex, feel sex, react to sex, want sex.

It can be done.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Belle...speaking as a man, wanting sex with your wife 2-3 times a week is certainly not HD. There are many couple (some on here) who have sex every day!

I have known my wife for about 24 years, married 18. Over the years she has gone from probably med-low drive to ultra low drive.

Her lack of interest, her constant rejections, her refusal to even try oral sex, her refusal to kiss etc has only pushed me away and basically killed any desire I had for her. Atleast I know I can still get hard - thank goodness for 'morning wood'!!

Your husbands 'demands' are not unreasonable. You must understand that sex is how we show love.

Your husband spoke your language of love by taking you to a roof top restaurant, you watched fireworks...in your own words you said it was 'so romantic'.....Thats what women like...romantic dinners, flowers etc thats how you like to be shown you are loved.
Men are very simple...you want to show you love us? Fcuk our brains out!

We need sex...deny us it and we feel rejected.

I know only talk to my wife about 'family' things....ie the children etc. Logistical things regarding the family/house etc....never emotional things...because she has managed to kill that emotional link by not even being prepared to meet me half way or even understand that I too have needs.

I know you are trying...If you love your husband show him you do in his language...if you love hom but just can't bring yourself to enjoy sex with him then I'm afraid it is only a matter of time until he disengages from you completely on an emotional level.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Its a tough reality to finaly realise your wife who you love with all your heart and have desire to make love to doesn't have the same feeling for you.

whats the answer.....thats the 64million dollar question.

as a man you figue that if you do you best to meet your wifes needs that your wife will love and apreicate it and there for want to jump your bones but unfortunatly it doesn't seem to work that way for a fair % of the women out there.

do you have a sex drive at all? I maen do you ever get aroused where you get wet or feel tingley down there?

do you ever masterbate?

does he give you an oegasm when you make love? 

if not have you told him what you like....more kissing ,oral,whatever.

do you read romance novels where you have a unrealistic view of what sex is like in the real world of a long term marriage.

can you give him oral or a hand job to bridge the gap of your sex drive differences?

have you ever really desired him? or did you get married not knowing what you really desired in a man? think that love conqures all?


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

The PRESIDE study in 2006 revealed 38.7 % of women had low libido. Another study in 2002 involving 2207 women revealed that 36% of women reported a low libido and about 8% had distress about the fact. Look the studies up, they are out there. 

Lets stop punishing women for some of us having less desire than most men. It's a biological fact for many woman. Look up how much larger the area of the brain is wired for men in sex vs. women, it is significant. In fact it is 2.5 times larger.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I do not see any purpose in defining HD as a certain number. He wants more sex she wants less that is HD and LD. 

Well Belle, I think Anon had some good advice and as much as anything your attitude about sex and just think your self to more sexuality and wanting to do something for your husband will help as much as anything I can think of. 

Also try to identify things he can do that will help you. Maybe these things are not sexual maybe they are acts of service or words a 
affirmation or the way he interacts with you or the kids. 

I also would be 2-3 times a week and my wife would probably be fine with once a month and we settled on once a week plus a bit more on vacations or other special occasions. I am 52 so that is easier to be happy with then when I was early 30's but I think it is a reasonable compromise. 

I am afraid that guys associate date night with sex and women often don't. Maybe make a compromise where you can each have a date night to your liking. 

"I try to act excited and in to it but I guess I'm not a good actress."

I guess the big question is how much you are actually getting out of this? Do you normally orgasm?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I would recommend

Passionate Marriage | PassionateMarriage

Pick up a copy of this excellent book.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

indiecat said:


> The PRESIDE study in 2006 revealed 38.7 % of women had low libido. Another study in 2002 involving 2207 women revealed that 36% of women reported a low libido and about 8% had distress about the fact. Look the studies up, they are out there.
> 
> Lets stop punishing women for some of us having less desire than most men. It's a biological fact for many woman. Look up how much larger the area of the brain is wired for men in sex vs. women, it is significant. In fact it is 2.5 times larger.


who punishing anybody?

the bottom line is there is a gap in desire.

what is a proper solution? just saying accept me or to bad doesn't seem very compassionat or fair.


I can tell you that no men I know want to be married to someone who never intinates sex. and more and more people are sayin this just anit worth it I'm out of here because the sex is poor.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

This article below paints a slightly different picture of the PRESIDE study, indicating that while 43% or so report a problem, only about 10% are actually distressed about it.

http://www.medpagetoday.com/OBGYN/GeneralOBGYN/11574

We can use the 40% figure to say its normal or we can use the 10% figure to say it's an issue and probably a fraction of that 10% would take action such as counseling, hormones, etc... 

Q.E.D. I suppose.


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## Belle_Saint (Mar 10, 2014)

tornado said:


> The problem is you don't wanna fix the problem, you want your husband to accept and be okay with your terms. If its really important to you make time and make it work.


 I do want to fix it, but I also want him to understand that even though I don't initiate or something doesn't initially turn me on, I do get aroused in the act (most of the times). My problem is I don't even feel like having an orgasm.



usmarriedguy said:


> I guess the big question is how much you are actually getting out of this? Do you normally orgasm?


I don't have an orgasm from sex. I do from oral sex and he has no problem doing that.




chillymorn said:


> do you have a sex drive at all? I maen do you ever get aroused where you get wet or feel tingley down there?
> 
> do you ever masterbate?
> 
> ...


 I don't think I have a sex drive. I may get a little tingly once a month. when he kisses my neck and is gentle with me I like it but then I shun him because I don't want to be turned on...maybe I need to see a psychiatrist. I don't masturbate. I don't read romance novels. I actually read the first 50 shades of gray and we had good sex then. Yes I could give him a hand job but he wants me to want to have sex. I absolutely desire him



indiecat said:


> Are you on the birth control pill? That decreases drive as does low thyroid.
> 
> Have you tried bringing a vibrator into the mix? Maybe you need more stimulation than he is providing?


 no pill, I have 2 kids, tubes are tied. He provides enough...my head isn't in it.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I would think that it would be difficult to actually get into something that does not provide an O -other than the pleasure of doing something your husband appreciates. 

Anyway, I think you are doing good to explore this issue. It is often a very important part of marriage for high drive people (not just men).

My wife also does not think about sex and primarily relies on just starting to get in the mood. I try to optimize it for her preferences so that she will find it more enjoyable. (although she does O from PiV) So if there is anything your husband can be doing to make you like it more or just be generally happier than most guys I think would.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Belle - 

I think it is great you are trying to work with your husband on this issue. 

The way I see it is this - all of us do things daily that we probably don't feel like doing. I don't feel like making beds and cleaning house. It's a lovely day outside but I don't feel like getting out there and raking up all the leaves that got blown into our yard. You have kids, you love your kids, I bet you do a lot of things for the kids you love that you don't feel like doing. 

You enjoy sex once you get going but don't ever feel the need to initiate it. This is hurting your husband. The solution is you regularly initiating sex. Regularly could mean once a week, regularly could be every 10 days, whatever. 

When he does something out of his way for you the response is you initiating sex. That's really the bottom line. It may never be something you WANT to do - but then again, as I mentioned, lives are full of these things. 

Before I came to this board I would have said women who don't desire sex aren't getting sexually satisfied.

However, I have come to realize that this is simply not true. There are highly orgasmic women who feel the way you do about sex. There are women who rarely orgasm but desire sex all the time. 

It's just one way that we are all different. 

I don't know if you have read much on this board but there are many heartbreaking stories of spouses who don't feel wanted and are being shut out sexually by someone they love. Perhaps reading some of these can help you see things from your husbands side? Perhaps make it a bit easier for you to take action?


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## tornado (Jan 10, 2014)

*Re: Re: LD female doesn't initiate...makes HD male mad*



Belle_Saint said:


> I do want to fix it, but I also want him to understand that even though I don't initiate or something doesn't initially turn me on, I do get aroused in the act (most of the times). My problem is I don't even feel like having an orgasm.
> 
> I don't have an orgasm from sex. I do from oral sex and he has no problem doing that.
> 
> ...


Well, your right to talk your OBGYN but ne stubborn about it because a lot of them will just brush it off.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

MissScarlett said:


> Belle -
> 
> I think it is great you are trying to work with your husband on this issue.
> 
> ...


And a lot of people, some on this board even, look at sex very differently. They separate it, compartmentalize it in it's own separate category from all the other things necessary to make a marriage work. They treat it as different from things like empathy, understanding, caring, decency, other forms of physical intimacy such as hugs, kisses, holding hands, different from actually listening to your spouse, doing nice things for them such as getting a cup of coffee for them in the morning, sending a lovey text in the middle of the day, mundane things like going to work, doing the dishes, wiping a child's nose.

Why is it looked at so differently by some people? I know this is going down a sticky road for some people, but the mindset of it's my body so I'll do with it what I want, while certainly true, and no one should feel compelled to allow it to be abused, if you can't or won't allow your body to be a part of all the other things needed to make a marriage work, then that person may need to rethink being married, or find a partner who does not need the sexual part of marriage.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> And a lot of people, some on this board even, look at sex very differently. They separate it, compartmentalize it in it's own separate category from all the other things necessary to make a marriage work. They treat it as different from things like empathy, understanding, caring, decency, other forms of physical intimacy such as hugs, kisses, holding hands, different from actually listening to your spouse, doing nice things for them such as getting a cup of coffee for them in the morning, sending a lovey text in the middle of the day, mundane things like going to work, doing the dishes, wiping a child's nose.
> 
> Why is it looked at so differently by some people? I know this is going down a sticky road for some people, but the mindset of it's my body so I'll do with it what I want, while certainly true, and no one should feel compelled to allow it to be abused, if you can't or won't allow your body to be a part of all the other things needed to make a marriage work, then that person may need to rethink being married, or find a partner who does not need the sexual part of marriage.


I look at it as one aspect of marriage.

For example...if I started out with my partner working, paying bills and doing chores around the house but then after time quit my job and just sat around playing X-box while the dirty dishes piled up in the sink then she would every right to address it. First by bringing it to my attention that she finds it unacceptable and if I chose to ignore her needs then ultimately leaving me.

It's no different with sex.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Why do you not want to be turned on?

You are too busy and want to finish [fill in blank]? It's messy and you don't want to have to take another shower? It's too much work and you're tired but don't want to just lie there? Are you embarrassed by arousal? Do you not like knowing someone has physical control over you and has the ability to turn you on? It's uncomfortable and annoying to you because it's one more thing to resolve?

I ask because I think until you figure out why you don't even WANT to be turned on, everything else takes a back seat. If you WANT to be turned on you might try always wearing sexy lingerie, even if you're just cleaning the house, because it makes you feel sexy. Or send flirty text messages to H all day to get you in the mood (if you do this you must follow through). Or take a relaxing moment to touch yourself even if you aren't in the mood but would LIKE to make your husband excited and happy.

We're full of ideas to make yourself more into sex, but if you don't even like being turned on, that's an entirely different issue. So why?


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## MysticSoul (Mar 3, 2014)

Op - I'm a LD wife, too. My husband and I tried something new last week. We committed to spending at least 10 minutes kissing in bed, no strings, no pressure, with the assurance that DH would NOT try to turn it into sex. We tried this b/c I have a trigger around pressure. When I feel pressures, my body and mind just shut-down. It looks like I'm being stubborn but I have great anxiety around this. With the promise that there was NO pressure to have sex, I could just let it go. Let my inhibitions go. Let my hair down. Let myself ENJOY it. 

Turns out once I was enjoying it, I ended up initiating sex about every 2-3 days. Which is FAR better than once every couple of months. 

Would you be willing to try something like that? Would your DH being willing to try something like that? 

Also, you can try to wear sexy, silky lingerie that only HE knows you're wearing. It's a little secret between you too. And experiment with different caresses, touches, words, acts, etc, to see if you can pinpoint what turns you on.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MysticSoul said:


> Op - I'm a LD wife, too. My husband and I tried something new last week. We committed to spending at least 10 minutes kissing in bed, no strings, no pressure, with the assurance that DH would NOT try to turn it into sex. We tried this b/c I have a trigger around pressure. When I feel pressures, my body and mind just shut-down. It looks like I'm being stubborn but I have great anxiety around this. With the promise that there was NO pressure to have sex, I could just let it go. Let my inhibitions go. Let my hair down. Let myself ENJOY it.
> 
> Turns out once I was enjoying it, I ended up initiating sex about every 2-3 days. Which is FAR better than once every couple of months.
> 
> ...


Bravo! QFT!


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

Belle_Saint said:


> I do want to fix it, but I also want him to understand that even though I don't initiate or something doesn't initially turn me on, I do get aroused in the act (most of the times). My problem is I don't even feel like having an orgasm.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I think it's not the sex that you have a problem with. It's the anxiety of sex. You don't want to be turned on. You liked 50 shades. To me you just don't want the responsibility of sex. Me, I think it's 100% up to men to initiate. 

Try this. Schedule sex. Tell hubby "ok I give you 3 nights a week". No matter what stick to the schedule. This way the decision is out of your hands. Just roll with it. Don't worry about having an O. Just think "I'm providing intimacy to my husband. Only I can do that!" I think people get freaked out, because they think sex has to be fireworks. Sometimes it's just ugly. You know what? Who cares. Hell, I'll use my wife inappropriately without PIV just because I want some relief. I used to be embarrassed about it, but who alone on this earth can do me this favor?. 

At any point if you want an orgasm tell hubby! 

Your husband has tried his best to tell you what his need is. Just think of it as meeting it. If you have fun along the way, Bonus!


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

U.E. McGill said:


> I think it's not the sex that you have a problem with. It's the anxiety of sex. You don't want to be turned on. You liked 50 shades. To me you just don't want the responsibility of sex. *Me, I think it's 100% up to men to initiate*.
> 
> Try this. Schedule sex. Tell hubby "ok I give you 3 nights a week". No matter what stick to the schedule. This way the decision is out of your hands. Just roll with it. Don't worry about having an O. Just think "I'm providing intimacy to my husband. Only I can do that!" I think people get freaked out, because they think sex has to be fireworks. Sometimes it's just ugly. You know what? Who cares. Hell, I'll use my wife inappropriately without PIV just because I want some relief. I used to be embarrassed about it, but who alone on this earth can do me this favor?.
> 
> ...


I like the rest of your post, but the highlighted part I couldn't disagree with more. No part of marriage should be 100% the responsibility of one spouse.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Indeed, it's extremely important for both people in a marriage to feel desired. If you are the one initiating all the time you never know if the other person is just humoring you and tolerating your advances because they must in order to get along with you. 

If initiating in the moment is awkward or frightening, I've found that earlier in the day or even the day before bringing it up in a conversation is a good ice breaker. You don't have to put on a sexy nighty and hope the husband is in the mood. Rather, saying hey, I want/need you - can we be together tonight/tomorrow/later? is a less intimidating way to go about it.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

MysticSoul said:


> Op - I'm a LD wife, too. My husband and I tried something new last week. We committed to spending at least 10 minutes kissing in bed, no strings, no pressure, with the assurance that DH would NOT try to turn it into sex. We tried this b/c I have a trigger around pressure. When I feel pressures, my body and mind just shut-down. It looks like I'm being stubborn but I have great anxiety around this. With the promise that there was NO pressure to have sex, I could just let it go. Let my inhibitions go. Let my hair down. Let myself ENJOY it.
> 
> Turns out once I was enjoying it, I ended up initiating sex about every 2-3 days. Which is FAR better than once every couple of months.
> 
> ...


What does your husband do when he is seriously aroused after the 10 minutes and doesn't get to be with you?


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## Belle_Saint (Mar 10, 2014)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Why do you not want to be turned on?
> 
> You are too busy and want to finish [fill in blank]? It's messy and you don't want to have to take another shower? It's too much work and you're tired but don't want to just lie there? Are you embarrassed by arousal? Do you not like knowing someone has physical control over you and has the ability to turn you on? It's uncomfortable and annoying to you because it's one more thing to resolve?
> 
> So why?


Pretty much ALL of that....you just nailed it (pun not intended).


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## Belle_Saint (Mar 10, 2014)

MysticSoul said:


> Would you be willing to try something like that? Would your DH being willing to try something like that?
> 
> Also, you can try to wear sexy, silky lingerie that only HE knows you're wearing. It's a little secret between you too. And experiment with different caresses, touches, words, acts, etc, to see if you can pinpoint what turns you on.


Yes, great idea!

I do make excuses that I'm too tired. Truthfully I'm always too tired. But I'll stay up after my children are asleep and stay on the computer when I could be in bed. This is not always, it's 1-2 days a week. Sometimes I'm so tired that I'm asleep before my kids...I'll fall asleep on the couch while watching TV or DH will put them to bed and I'll go to bed early (that's about 1x a month).


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Sleep is overrated. No smiley face. I'm 54 and manage on 6 hours a day. My wife, the oft-frigid Mrs. Dr. LD, would prefer 9+ hours a day at the same age...


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I agree. sleep is a waste. I had 4 hours on Friday night, zero hours on Saturday night, and made up for it with 7 hours on Sunday night. I wish it was because my wife was keeping me up, but it was my boss.

Frowny face.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> I agree. sleep is a waste. I had 4 hours on Friday night, zero hours on Saturday night, and made up for it with 7 hours on Sunday night. I wish it was because my wife was keeping me up, but it was my boss.



Sounds like the hours my older daughter keeps in college... I get random cat videos of her roommate's cat at 4 am 

Unless you're an ER doctor what kind of work has such hours?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

system administrator.


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## MysticSoul (Mar 3, 2014)

sinnister said:


> What does your husband do when he is seriously aroused after the 10 minutes and doesn't get to be with you?


I'm not sure if you're meaning for this to come across as judgmental, but it does.


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## 1812overture (Nov 25, 2013)

Belle_Saint said:


> Pretty much ALL of that....you just nailed it (pun not intended).





> I do make excuses that I'm too tired. Truthfully I'm always too tired. But I'll stay up after my children are asleep and stay on the computer when I could be in bed. This is not always, it's 1-2 days a week. Sometimes I'm so tired that I'm asleep before my kids...I'll fall asleep on the couch while watching TV or DH will put them to bed and I'll go to bed early (that's about 1x a month).





> This is a huge issue for a lot of women particularly with young kids in the house. How do you get your mind on sex when you're scraping boogers off the walls and watching X men and transformers all day? Not sexy at all. And you dress for combat, not sex. You wear combat clothes and when it's time to go to bed you're tired from wiping noses and giving cuddles and cutting the crust off the bread, none of which remind you of sex.
> 
> So you have to change your daily routine, you have to change your wardrobe, you have to change what you think about and you have to pay attention to how you feel when you DO think about sex. You have to work on embracing those naughty erotic thoughts, embracing the images of the last time you had great sex and you have to hold onto those feelings.


Anon Pink is right, but in addition, you have to make the time to make your husband a priority. My kids are now both over seven years old, but my relationship with my wife has not recovered from the days when we were distanced by making it through the day. (I put it to her that way once, and clearly that was a bad idea. But that didn't make it untrue.)

If rooftop fireworks are fun, but extend too late in the evening for fun in bed at home (assuming it is a weekend) can't you get the kids occupied with something the next day and show your husband you appreciate his efforts? You've got boys (not exactly sure of the ages) but video games and SportsCenter might keep them occupied. Many are afraid to admit they use those babysitting tools, but how many admit they never have sex? Which is worse? An hour on Saturday morning, then you carve out one night a week when whatever chores are unfinished after the kids go to sleep will stay that way until the next day. 

And, to try to be more helpful, perhaps discuss such a plan with your husband. Let him know you are trying, AND that life with the kids can be a grind. That let's him know a big part of the problem, and let's him know you are working on a solution. And if he knows you are working at it, he's likely to be that much more understanding if/when the deal gets broken (child's nightmares, illness, etc.)


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