# Newbie Here: Being Falsely Accuse and wife wont believe me



## Kitaman698 (Feb 27, 2015)

I am new here and apologize if this has been posted before. My situation is happening after 35+ years of marriage. My wife recently accused me of cheating, based on a bulk email someone sent her about how to tell your spouse is cheating. She concluded that she received it because I was cheating. 

Secondly something bad happened to her at our church where she felt humiliated. She has a history of feeling the Church is against her, personally. She accuses me of orchestrating it and knowing about secret meetings discussing her. (I'm not making this up). She thinks I am now taking the church's side, which there is no side. But saying that my loyalties are with the Church. Many years ago the Pastor and I used to have breakfast and fellowship. She thinks I am feeding him stuff because she claims his sermons are about her, using intimate subject matter that I told him about us. She says "I know you are telling him what to say" or "he;s telling you I'll take care of her for you". She actually feels he is building his sermons around her and to get her. A few months ago I cut back to maybe one service a month, furthermore I have no friends I even hang out with or talk to. She is basically steering me out of the church, as I would catch hell if I went. She even went so far as to tell me she will sue them for character assassination and include me, her husband, in the suit.

Of course the accusations are deeper but she is convinced I am doing something even though I am 100% innocent. To make matters worse she has told both adult daughters of her 'gut instincts' sadly getting them involved.

Anyway based on these accusations she is constantly asking me to tell her the truth. And when I do I'm told I'm lying. "Be honest" she says "I know you did it". Her proof is only her gut. For one week I have been constantly harassed, shouted at and spoken to with so much venom I'm getting fearful. When I tell her the truth she gets more upset and more verbally loud, telling me to be honest.

The bottom line is she acts like she wants me to tell her what she believes and for me it would be lying. She won't go to counseling because the last time we tried it they put her on a psych med for her emotions.

She is crying, obsessing and feeling very hurt and angry. I have done nothing and she will not accept it.

Please I signed up here because I am lost, confused and have no solutions. I will not confess to something I didn't do. I love her too much to see her in pain, but her constant unrelenting attacks are really getting to me. We sleep in separate rooms (she wont come to bed with me), not talking in each other's presence (she says until I get honest) and every day growing farther apart. I am thinking of going to counseling even I have to go alone.

Sorry for the length but I am severely messed up right now, and always felt I was a good man, never physically abusive, never cheating, maintaining healthy finances, always working, etc..

Not sure if anyone has an answer but it would help considerably to know that I am not the only one this has happened to and their is hope.

Signed Truly Innocent.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

She needs help according to what you wrote. She sounds delusional.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Histrionic Personality Disorder with delusional tendencies anyone?

She needs psych assessment, that is not a healthy mental state on her part.


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## CopperTop (May 29, 2014)

Having been where you are, though not to the same degree, I understand your predicament.

It is logically impossible to prove your innocence. Nothing can be proven to have not occurred. Only those things that have occurred can be proven.

I agree with the others. She needs professional help.


Copper


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## Kitaman698 (Feb 27, 2015)

CopperTop said:


> Having been where you are, though not to the same degree, I understand your predicament.
> 
> *It is logically impossible to prove your innocence. *Nothing can be proven to have not occurred. Only those things that have occurred can be proven.
> 
> ...


This is my greatest fear.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

How old is she? Has she always been this way or this behavior a recent thing? Has she had medical checkup?

The reason I'm asking is I've know two women that were sweet as pie all of their lives and then turned nasty as when they got older. Both were diagnosed with dementia. One of the women was my great aunt and it was like her whole personality change.

ETA: She also became very paranoid. She thought people were talking about her behind her back too. Your wife sounds very similar.


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## Natthewife (Jun 16, 2014)

Yep agree. Your wife is not well and needs help asap


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## Kitaman698 (Feb 27, 2015)

soccermom2three said:


> How old is she? Has she always been this way or this behavior a recent thing? Has she had medical checkup?
> 
> The reason I'm asking is I've know two women that were sweet as pie all of their lives and then turned nasty as when they got older. Both were diagnosed with dementia. One of the women was my great aunt and it was like her whole personality change.
> 
> ETA: She also became very paranoid. She thought people were talking about her behind her back too. Your wife sounds very similar.


She will be 60 in April. I suspected what you said but am in denial. 15 years ago we went to counseling, they separated us after a few sessions. She was given psych meds, which she refused to take. I see signs of something with the paranoia Nd insecurity, but I'm trying to stay neutral here so I'm not blaming her.

I'm innocent of cheating and conniving against her, but am convicted based on her gut (no facts, witnesses, statements,admissions, absolutely nothing). I may lose her over something that never happened. That's just crazy after 35+ years.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Another vote for psychiatric evaluation. But remember you can only do so much, she has to want to be helped.

If she has any other signs of dementia you might use that angle as the means to get her evaluated. If she has memory issues or cognitive issues she might be willing to see a doc. There are meds to halt or slow the progression of dementia. Age 60 is quite within the age range for showing symptoms. My father in law was showing cognitive problems by 55. There are several different types of dementia, not just alzheimers.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here's another vote for your wife is mentally ill. There are many things that can lead to this. 

How is her sleep? Does she snore, appear to gasp for air while sleeping, toss around a lot, and/or have leg or body jerks during the night? If so she could have a very serious form of sleep apnea which can lead to all kinds of health problems, including what you areseing.

Another thing could be some form of developing dementia. 

She's had this for a long time. has it be getting worse?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

additionally, you need to build a support system for yourself. Right now you are withdrawing more and more because of her behavior. This is not healthy for you.

If she has family who you trust, go to them to get their help to get help for her.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

It's not you, your wife has had a severe mental breakdown and she needs help ASAP. Don't defend yourself, it's useless and a waste of time. 

What is your plan to get her help? Are there family members that you can call upon to help?


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## Genevieve777 (Aug 20, 2014)

Can you call or email her family doctor to get advice? Enlist the help of your daughters? She needs psychiatric meds and it's not emotionally (or perhaps even physically) safe for you to be living with her at the moment. Can she stay with one of your daughters? If not, you may need to do so.

You need support right now. Your minister may be able to help you or some other church members may also be supportive. Your faith will also help - pray for wisdom and guidance.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Kitaman698 said:


> She will be 60 in April. I suspected what you said but am in denial. 15 years ago we went to counseling, they separated us after a few sessions. She was given psych meds, which she refused to take. I see signs of something with the paranoia Nd insecurity, but I'm trying to stay neutral here so I'm not blaming her.
> 
> I'm innocent of cheating and conniving against her, but am convicted based on her gut (no facts, witnesses, statements,admissions, absolutely nothing). I may lose her over something that never happened. That's just crazy after 35+ years.


Well, its unanimous, Kitaman698- 12 out of nine posters agree that your wife is in a mentally unhealthy place. I know you feel better already, except that your wife isn't posting on TAM, so you're still living a life of torment.

Go back to Elegirl's post and click on her link to the '180.' I suggest that you implement the actions contained therein for your own sanity.

Your wife may have mental problems, but you have no real ability to force her into therapy, counseling, or anti-psychotic drugs.

Which means she will continue to treat you like crap, and you will continue to take it. I mean, when you're being ABUSED like this (yes, ABUSED. Did you realize that you are a victim of abuse, here?) and your attitude is "I may lose her over something I didn't do," well, your ego and self esteem have completely left the building.

You need to run out and find them and get them back, man.

So do the 180 and detach from this situation. Get to a better place, where you like yourself enough to stand up for yourself.

It's going to take awhile to get there. You'd best get started on the journey.


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## anonfrank (Apr 18, 2013)

Your wife is medically paranoid. She requires the services of a psychiatrist or neurologist, ASAP. At her age, dementia is a prime consideration. Frontotemporal dementia tends to manifest with psychosis as a prominent factor.

Best way to initiate is to speak with her primary physician, who can at least try to direct her to appropriate testing. If things escalate, she may require an emergency room visit.

Do it ASAP! You cannot reason with craziness.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Sounds like she trodden the rough edge of paranoid for most of her life.
Perhaps the dementia is making it worse.
It will be a hard sell to get her on meds.
In her mind, you will be doing it to cover up your neffarious dealings with the church and your mistress.

Sorry, but perception is reality and right now hers is probably starting to skew.


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## Kitaman698 (Feb 27, 2015)

She has apologized but I am wary and said to her that we need to get counseling. Of course she is refusing.

Thanks to you guys I have done some research and identified a potential medical as simply paranoia disorder. All the signs are there. She agreed to review any information I send her.

My issue is how to present this information to her, so she will recognize this could be her problem and take appropriate steps to remedy it. This may be my only shot as she is remorseful but not sure how long that will last. She defended herself saying she won't stuff crap anymore, however the crap she stuffs doesn't exist.

Any ideas on how to delicately or directly tell your spouse they have a mental disorder?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Kitaman698 said:


> She has apologized but I am wary and said to her that we need to get counseling. Of course she is refusing.
> 
> Thanks to you guys I have done some research and identified a potential medical as simply paranoia disorder. All the signs are there. She agreed to review any information I send her.
> 
> ...


Did you ask her to be more specific about the "crap she stuffs?" What do your daughters think, surely they would have some insight to the situation?


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