# Hurt and Confused. Would like some insight?



## TuOwl84 (Apr 1, 2014)

Hi, this is going to be a long story, but I would appreciate anyones insight on this matter.

I am a 30 year old female. And my significant other is 35 years old and male. He is very active, going to the gym at least 5 to 6 days a week. We have been together for nearly 6 years. 

When we first began dating our sex life was awesome. It was really great up until 2012. We were having relationship issues beginning that year. I paid for him to go to individual counseling. He would tell me, him and his therapist would always talk about how he hates his job in retail. But then one day, I found out that he was talking to another woman through Facebook messaging. I was in total shock! I began asking him questions about him using Facebook and who he talks to. I flat out asked him if he even talks to anyone through the "messaging" aspect of Facebook, and he said he would only talk to his male buddies about sports, etc. But when I asked him that, I already knew about the woman he was messaging. He knew her from the gym. He met her in a kickboxing class. So when he told me he only talked to his male friends, I knew he was lying, and I could even tell he was lying by his facial expressions! I felt so hurt and betrayed. When we finally had an argument one night, I blew up and told him how I knew about his messages. And I will never forget his face…how surprised he looked! He couldn't believe I knew! I would up packing some things up and leaving and staying with a friend for the night. I got a text the next day saying how sorry he was and how he wanted to talk and try and work things out. So when I met with him, he said he never cheated. He just wanted someone to talk to who was "interesting." He said this woman was Russian, and he found her culture interesting. So they talked about things concerning her culture, and her hobbies. But I told him I knew he made an inappropriate comment to her, saying, "I like the picture you are in with some of your friends." She had asked him which one? And he replied, "the one that you are wearing little shorts." Who describes a photo like that to someone who is not a friend? To me, that is inappropriate. He agreed. He said he didn't tell me because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. I told him I was more hurt that he hid it all behind my back. Plus, the therapist I was paying for him to see, told him to "go on lunch dates with other women!" He told me he contemplated doing it, but he decided he couldn't hurt me like that. I was appalled, and in shock, and I just wanted to call this therapist and tell her how much of an $*! she really is! I told him in order for things to work, he had to stop seeing that therapist, see someone else, and I was no longer paying for it. He said okay. He began seeing someone else, and from time to time I asked him if he talked about our relationship? He said yes, this time, where before with the other therapist, he said they didn't. Things began to get better, but in the summer of 2012, we broke up for 3 months. He threw me out (he pays for majority of the rent, because I only make $10 an hour right now) so he holds it over my head every time we argue. 

So when we got back together in November of 2012, things were great. We were having sex all the time, sometimes even multiple times a day. Then in March 2013, there was a decline in the amount of sex we were having. I would sometimes initiate and he would turn me down. I felt as though when we did have sex, it was only when he wanted it. This past summer (2013), we would constantly argue, because he would choose to masterbate rather than have sex with me! He even admitted sometimes he would do it on purpose to hurt my feelings. Because I would constantly tell him how it made me feel, and he felt like I was micromanaging him. I felt really hurt. I would be at work and he would watch porn (he likes to watch women masterbate) and he would touch himself. We would have numerous arguments about it, how if I was coming home in 3 hours why wouldn't he just want to have sex with me? There is times when I would try to initiate sex and he would give me excuses, such as I just ate, I am too tired, and the most hurtful excuse of them all: "I don't want to put the work in." He has said this to me a few times. I even began realizing that was the case after I noticed he would always pull me on top of him. We stopped doing any other position. So then he began to tell me that he has a testosterone problem, because he said he isn't in the mood most of the time. But also, when we would have sex, he would orgasm quickly…and I mean within 5 minutes, sometimes less. I don't mean to be selfish, but sex became very unsatisfying to me. To the point in which I would sometimes dread having sex with him. In all the time I have been with him, my boyfriend would never take the initiative to try and get me to reach orgasm after he has already reached his orgasm. He would never go down on me or use his hand. I feel like that is selfish. I know of other couples where the man tries to help the woman finish, when he already has. He claims he doesn't know ANYONE like that. So in one of our many arguments, I told him, "You masterbating wouldn't bother me if we had a normal, healthy sex life." I even asked him to go to the doctor to get his testosterone level checked. JUST CHECKED! Because he is only speculating that it is a problem. He does not like doctors, never takes medicine. He refuses. But he does take testosterone supplements, but I feel like they do not work because I don't see a change in his sex drive when he is taking them. He has refused to go to the doctor to get his level checked. It hurts my feelings. Last spring, I began sending him pictures of naked women. Seeing if that would boost his sex drive. It sometimes worked. Then one day, I went on a crazy route, and said that he could receive a hand job or blow job from another woman as long as I got to watch! :smthumbup: LOL! I felt crazy in letting him do this, but he kinda took me up on it, because he began to get 2 girls numbers to try initiate it. But little did he know I was doing it to booster our sex life! Sure enough, him talking and fantasizing about these two women doing these things to him did booster our sex drive for a month or two, until he no longer wanted to include me in showing me the texts messages they were having. I told him in order for this to work he cannot hide anything and I have to see the conversations they were having. But when he began to deviate from our rules, thats when I put a stop to it. He never got to have either of those fantasies played out. Just fresh talk via text messaging. 

When I would touch myself, I would do so because i knew I would't be having sex later in the day when I got to spend time with him. Once, he accused me of masterbating when he went to the gym after we had already had sex that morning. He said, "AM I NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU?!" thats something I will never forget, because it wasn't true and it hurt my feelings! There is a time we argued because he tried to initiate sex in the morning, and I turned him down because I needed to get ready for work. He texted me after he left the apartment, and I didn't respond right away, so he got upset, and started saying, "Oh you must not be responding because your so quick to put your fingers in your p****! I was LIKE WHAT!?!? I told him he was wrong, that I was in the shower so I didn't get his texts until I got done my shower. Then when I came home I snooped on his phone and I found out that the same day, he downloaded a porn video on his phone. So I guess he needed to get off so bad, he couldn't just wait till I got home from work a few hours later, he needed to masterbate AFTER HE JUST ACCUSED ME OF NOT WANTING HIM BEFORE I GOT READY FOR WORK!. I felt like it was a double standard. 

So here we are now (2014), our sex life is basically non existent. He knows its a major problem in our relationship, and to me he thinks it doesn't seem something so urgent to fix. In fact, the whole month of March, we had sex 4 times. But there was a 3 week period we didn't have sex at all. Then this past weekend, I think he was really trying because twice he tried to initiate sex. But the other two times, it was me initiating it! Friday night I came home from a long day at work, and he bought me flowers and a card. I suspected him of masterbating while I was at work on Friday, because when we had sex that night, he lasted a little longer than usual. Usually, he lasts longer after already orgasming before. Sunday morning, I asked him to have sex with me before I had to go to work. We did. Afterwards, he left for the gym, and I went to work. I came home from work that evening, and I saw on his samsung tablet that he had a porn video open. I told him what I saw, I asked him if he watched porn? His response, "yes." I could see he wasn't going to elaborate further. Then I asked if he touched himself, and he said, "yes." I blew up on him, saying, "WAS I NOT ENOUGH FOR HIM THIS MORNING?" Since he once asked me the same thing! What does he do? He shuts off because he can't handle double standards. He can't handle when I am right, and he is wrong! Instead, he tries to kick me out. I said, "IF YOU HAVE A TESTOSTERONE PROBLEM, WHY IS IT THEN THAT YOU CAN MASTERBATE 3 HOURS AFTER HAVING SEX, BUT WHEN I TRY TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU A SECOND TIME, YOU ARE NEVER IN THE MOOD TO DO SO!?!" He yelled for me to stop "MICROMANAGING HIS TIME." But to me, its a valid question. Especially since he refuses to get his testosterone level checked. Am I crazy to think this? 

So I just feel extremely betrayed by his actions. I feel really fed up. But, I don't want to lose him. I just want things to go back to they were. This is the only area of our relationship that I feel is holding us back from being a really great couple. I don't know how to talk to him anymore about this issue. Because whenever I bring up masterbation or our sex life, he shuts off and just gets really defensive and yells at me. I would like to go to couples counseling, but I am afraid if I tell how I really feel,he will only get defensive when we get home and have a big argument and therefore him telling me to get out. Do you guys have any insight or suggestions for me? Is there anyone out there that have waited through the storm, and got through it together and its gone back to normal? Thanks!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

If you're not actually married to this sh!thead....pack up and leave! 

He is passive aggressive and a manipulator, he is also a liar. He did have an affair with the Russian woman. He *does* have a porn problem and *doesn't* have a testosterone problem. His therapist NEVER suggested he go on lunch dates with other women! Your SO is not relationship material! He is too messed up to ever be relationship material. He isn't into you, just keeping you around so he doesn't look like the total looser that he is.

Start looking for new places to live ASAP!


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> If you're not actually married to this sh!thead....pack up and leave!
> 
> He is passive aggressive and a manipulator, he is also a liar. He did have an affair with the Russian woman. He *does* have a porn problem and *doesn't* have a testosterone problem. His therapist NEVER suggested he go on lunch dates with other women! Your SO is not relationship material! He is too messed up to ever be relationship material. He isn't into you, just keeping you around so he doesn't look like the total looser that he is.
> 
> Start looking for new places to live ASAP!


:iagree:

I can't like this enough. 

It's way past time to show yourself some love and respect and stop allowing yourself to be Plan B (C, D?) to a guy who's this dysfunctional.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Look... I don't know you but one word came to my mind as I read your post... domineering.

Lack of sex isn't a problem, it's an indication of other problems in the relationship. And these problems are usually two sided. Yet it appears that he's the only one going to a therapist, one YOU wanted him to change to (domineering) and one YOU were paying for (domineering).

Now, that isn't to say that your boyfriend doesn't have issues and maybe you need to be the dominant one to get anywhere in the relationship. That may be the case but my money is that he's rebelling against it.

Look back to BEFORE sex went south. What was going on in the relationship that would make him get emotionally involved with the Russian girl?

And if you want to make it work, BOTH have to go to therapy.

Or, you can just call it quits. 

Your choice.


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## Surviving This Marriage (Mar 23, 2014)

First, those big girl panties you tossed in some drawer when you and this douche hooked up. Dust them off and put them on. You're gonna need them.

Second, find a close friend or relative you trust to move in with. 

Third, no kids, right? Start saving up for a deposit on an apartment. 

Finally, cut all ties. Leave the jerk to sort out his own issues. Cut all contact and worry about you. There are all sorts of men out there more interested in healthy relationships with women and less in the rosy palm. 

Seriously, I've been there. (Spoiler alert) It isn't going to get better. He's a self righteous little boy who isn't wrong about anything and you and probably no other woman in his life is going to be able to change that. He's probably the guy who's mom made him dinner past age 26 and still only knows how to operate a microwave oven. 

Do better by yourself and get yourself in a good place and then worry about finding Mr. Right. Focus on you and your needs and remind yourself of how important you are. 

Raise the bar, because you deserve way better than this creep.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

TuOwl84 said:


> Hi, this is going to be a long story, but I would appreciate anyones insight on this matter.
> 
> I am a 30 year old female. And my significant other is 35 years old and male. He is very active, going to the gym at least 5 to 6 days a week. We have been together for nearly 6 years.
> 
> ...


Well, you want to be riding a horse, one that will respond to a bit in its mouth and be kind to its rider, loyal, etc. But you are dancing with a monkey. Monkeys have their own fine traits but they cannot really be tamed like a horse. You need to find yourself a horse. 

You're a little bit controlling. So you need to find someone who will admire that in you and feel loved by your concern, instead of irritated and caged in by it.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Well, you want to be riding a horse, one that will respond to a bit in its mouth and be kind to its rider, loyal, etc. But you are dancing with a monkey. Monkeys have their own fine traits but they cannot really be tamed like a horse. You need to find yourself a horse.
> 
> You're a little bit controlling. So you need to find someone who will admire that in you and feel loved by your concern, instead of irritated and caged in by it.


Wow, very insightful HNU!


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Did i read that right - you had a huge issue over him messaging the Russian woman and commenting on her shorts - and then you opened the door to him getting hj and bj from other women?

And you two fighting over masturbation....

It really doesn't sound like this is going to go the distance, to be honest. You have all these touchy issues going on and not even married. Things usually get worse after marriage, not better. Where sexual issues are concerned anyway.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Your relationship sounds like "it's complicated on Facebook". Sex is very important to you and you measure the health of your relationship by the nearness that sex delivers. This perfectly fine. However, what you discover is that he goes hot and cold like that Katy Perry song.

He does not sound like good LTR material. Is there even anything to discuss with him?


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

With all due respect, this is an extremely dysfunctional relationship. 

The guy is completely untrustworthy -- sounds like a pathological liar to me. Just be aware that some people with this type of personality turn out to be violent individuals as well. You aren't married. If it were me I'd do whatever it took to end it quickly and finally.

Good luck
-seahorse


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## TuOwl84 (Apr 1, 2014)

Chris Taylor said:


> Look... I don't know you but one word came to my mind as I read your post... domineering.
> 
> Lack of sex isn't a problem, it's an indication of other problems in the relationship. And these problems are usually two sided. Yet it appears that he's the only one going to a therapist, one YOU wanted him to change to (domineering) and one YOU were paying for (domineering).
> 
> ...


Thanks Chris for your input. I can handle constructive criticism, after all thats why I am seeking insight from a marriage forum. I didn't mention in my original post that I was seeking therapy too, but I wanted to make a point that I had to ask him to seek therapy and I also had to pay for him to seek his own therapy. 

To be honest, I didn't see anything wrong right before he talked to the Russian woman. I was completely blindsided by it. And afterwards he lost a lot of my trust. But that isn't too much of an issue now. I allowed him to get a HJ or a BJ from another woman, because I felt like that is what he wanted, more so than me. And by him actually wanting to go through with that…well, it in a way proved my own feelings on the subject. However, he never actually went through with it and he told me, he didn't think it would be a good idea. He wouldn't want to hurt my feelings, and he would't want the other woman's feelings to be hurt also. I said ok.

And your right, sometimes he does say I am controlling. I admit to it. But it is only because there are times when I question his behaviors. Such as having sex with me and then 3 hours him masterbating, and when I ask for "round 2" of sex, he can never give it to me anymore. Because he CLAIMS he has a testosterone problem. Well then why does he have the urge to masterbate so closely after sex? Wouldn't his low testosterone level effect this?  Thats why my feelings are so hurt by him on this subject.


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## TuOwl84 (Apr 1, 2014)

MissScarlett said:


> Did i read that right - you had a huge issue over him messaging the Russian woman and commenting on her shorts - and then you opened the door to him getting hj and bj from other women?
> 
> And you two fighting over masturbation....
> 
> It really doesn't sound like this is going to go the distance, to be honest. You have all these touchy issues going on and not even married. Things usually get worse after marriage, not better. Where sexual issues are concerned anyway.



I allowed him to get a HJ or a BJ from another woman, because I felt like that is what he wanted, more so than me. And by him actually wanting to go through with that…well, it in a way proved my own feelings on the subject. However, he never actually went through with it and he told me, he didn't think it would be a good idea. He wouldn't want to hurt my feelings, and he would't want the other woman's feelings to be hurt also. I said ok.


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## TuOwl84 (Apr 1, 2014)

Surviving This Marriage said:


> First, those big girl panties you tossed in some drawer when you and this douche hooked up. Dust them off and put them on. You're gonna need them.
> 
> Second, find a close friend or relative you trust to move in with.
> 
> ...



Thanks for your input! Neither of us have children. He was married before. He got married at 23. They broke up when he was 28. He just recently (last month) got divorced. He says he doesn't want to get married again. I respect that. We plan on being "life partners." Plus, we have been together for nearly 6 years, I already feel like it is a marriage!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Run for the hills!!


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## TuOwl84 (Apr 1, 2014)

seahorse said:


> With all due respect, this is an extremely dysfunctional relationship.
> 
> The guy is completely untrustworthy -- sounds like a pathological liar to me. Just be aware that some people with this type of personality turn out to be violent individuals as well. You aren't married. If it were me I'd do whatever it took to end it quickly and finally.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your input! There are times when he can be a hot head in an argument. He can go from 0 to 60! He has punched holes in walls and thrown things.


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

Certainly. 

Yes, these are some of the signs. Please be careful with this guy




TuOwl84 said:


> Thanks for your input! There are times when he can be a hot head in an argument. He can go from 0 to 60! He has punched holes in walls and thrown things.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

TuOwl84 said:


> Thanks for your input! There are times when he can be a hot head in an argument. He can go from 0 to 60! He has punched holes in walls and thrown things.


I always think it is interesting to hear about these porn addicted guys in relationships with women that actually enjoy sex. (what a screwy world) 

It seems that he is not interested in doing without porn and masturbating and you will probably need to either except it and work out some sort of compromise or move on. 

I do not think that you should be very tolerant of childish temper tantrums.

The relationship sounds dysfunctional


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