# Think My Wife likes another man



## vince (Jul 10, 2010)

Hi,

Some years ago, I caught my wife having an emotional affair over Facebook, with an old school friend. It really hurt me, even though nothing physical happened. Things have been good since we cleared the air, People were removed from FB, and life moved on.

Her job keeps her long hours at work, hours that she doesnt get paid for, now I know shes hard working, and very dedicated, so that could be it, so Ive just put it down to dedication. there are various male colleagues at work, she mentions, from time to time, but not so much as to arouse suspicion

Then the other day my sons friend dad dropped, my son and his friend off at our house, I was stood at the doorway, and waved, upon seeing him the wife basically closed the door in my face, and went to speak with him alone,(ive been with my wife for 20 years, and this, did not feel right, it felt odd) I know hes a good looking man, with a bit of a reputation, I guess im over reacting.( im pretty sure she has his phone number etc, but this, could be down to my sons friendship, with his son)

I guess these things, seem small, but having caught my wife once, I feel she has become, very clever, at hiding things from me,(once bitten twice shy). When I caught her before she was using the home pc. now with advent of smart phones etc, she has not needed to use the pc in years, and I cannot get access to her phone, she carrys it 24/7, has millions of apps (whatsapp etc) and is constantly getting emails etc.

I may be overeacting, but im getting that stomach churning feeling again, and all consuming thoughts 24/7. I know if i confront her, and ask to see her phone, she will let me, but will be very upset, and what would i do if i found nothing wrong, and what would i do if i found something..... Id be truly lost :crying:

To make matters worse shes pregnant


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Go with your gut mate - the gut knows. However, do your revision, be patient & tread lightly.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

vince,

A few things stand out here. First, if you W had an EA (i.e., she cheated) why in the world does she still have Facebook ? She should have lost any social media privileges after cheating for good. PERIOD !

Why ? because YOU gave HER the GIFT of R, instead of divorcing.

Second, you should have total access and transparency to her phone on demand. 

Why ? because YOU gave HER the GIFT of R, instead of divorcing.

Did you expose her affair to anyone at the time ?

What consequences did your W have to suffer ?
What heavy lifting did she do to regain your trust ?

What is her job that she needs to work all these long, unpaid hours ?


Read the standard evidence gathering thread here in CWI :

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html#post9756666


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## vince (Jul 10, 2010)

barbados said:


> vince,
> 
> Second, you should have total access and transparency to her phone on demand.
> 
> ...


The facebook incedent, was in 2010, and im loathe to ask her for her phone, incase im wrong, it would devistate her, just to ask, I feel, + she is pregnant, and has had 4 miscarrages, up until this point. Things are going well on that front and the baby is past the danger zone, of the other miscarrages, im petrified, and dont want to cause, undue stress, etc and would blame myself for another miscarrage, if it happened at this late stage.

I did not expose the affair to anyone else

My wife just promised never to do it again, was devistated, at the pain she had caused etc, and was petrified, i wanted a divorce. i thought that, consequence enough.
to regain my trust just took a little time, and was/has never been mentioned again

She works as a tutor, and from experience, i know that there is a lot of unpaid after hours work, most can be taken home, but its also nice to get as much done at work as possible I guess.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

The tools cheater use has advanced but so has the tools to catch them. Time for you use methods to do some investigation, start with getting a VAR so you can attach it in her car. Also is the dad married? Btw did you ask her why she slammed the door on you did you tell in no certain that was highly disrespectful?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

You need to keep quiet and do some detective work. See the post linked above.

Closing the door in your face seems odd. When you asked her what they discussed what did she say? How long was the convo?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Where is the phone when she goes to sleep at night? Charging? Let me guess you don't know her PIN code. 

You should after the facebook EA. That should have been a given.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vince (Jul 10, 2010)

No I didnt ask her, why she closed the door on me. I wanted to keep quiet, and not arouse suspicion, because shes a clever woman, and will go to ground, I feel, if she thinks im onto her, and shes hiding something


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## vince (Jul 10, 2010)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> You need to keep quiet and do some detective work. See the post linked above.
> 
> Closing the door in your face seems odd. When you asked her what they discussed what did she say? How long was the convo?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The convo lasted a couple of minutes, lot of smiling etc


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

vince, your wife has poor boundaries and from your previous threads, this is nothing new. Fvcking around on Facebook still, other mens numbers in her phone, secrecy around her phone (look for the Kik app or similar), massages from men she's familiar with? Utterly disrespectful. I wouldn't tolerate any of that, more so given her history. If your gut is bugging you, this must be torture. I have been there, mate. She won't change, by the way. And why the hell don't you have complete transparency?

DON'T LET ON YOU SUSPECT ANYTHING just wait until she comes home one weekday in a particularly c0cky mood and ask to see her phone because you're "interested in upgrading" yours or something similar. If she refuses, this is how it will go. She'll rage that you don't trust her, try and shame you for being jealous, blame shift, try and flip the script on to you etc. Keep calm and keep repeating "show me the phone". If she still won't, tell her to leave. If she leaves, YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS OVER and you have to be prepared for that.

Sorry for you. The pregnancy is an added complication.

My ex started work early and stayed late because she was "so busy". Turns out she had the time to message a number of male colleagues every 2-3 minutes, all day, every day. This was on a company phone that I considered an intrusion to ask to see it by the way. Glad I did. I booted her out.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

vince said:


> No I didnt ask her, why she closed the door on me.* I wanted to keep quiet, and not arouse suspicion, because shes a clever woman, and will go to ground,* I feel, if she thinks im onto her, and shes hiding something


Per the bolded, doesn't this strike you as odd? You are married to someone with whom has already cheated once (that you know of), and on top of that you believe she is a clever woman ready to go underground. This is the type of woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, or is the pregnancy thing the only reason why you are sticking around?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Simple. You go to her, hold out your hand, and say, "wife, give me your phone for a moment." 

Her reaction will tell you everything. 

I honestly don't know what's up with this rampant, unspoken, assumed privacy in a MARRIAGE. That's for when you're on the toilet. You should have zero fear of asking to see her phone and expecting it in your hand, tout de suite. Just as she should expect the same of you, were she to ask. 

Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

You'll get more detailed, instructive steps from others, but that's my #1 step at this time.


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## vince (Jul 10, 2010)

Xenote said:


> The tools cheater use has advanced but so has the tools to catch them. Time for you use methods to do some investigation, start with getting a VAR so you can attach it in her car. Also is the dad married? Btw did you ask her why she slammed the door on you did you tell in no certain that was highly disrespectful?


No the dad is not married(anymore!) messing around with his sister in law

What Var would you reccomend?


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## vince (Jul 10, 2010)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Where is the phone when she goes to sleep at night? Charging? Let me guess you don't know her PIN code.
> 
> You should after the facebook EA. That should have been a given.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



The phone is beside her, at night, but she is an incredibly light sleeper, and wakes at my slightest movement. As far as im aware she has no password, as I have watched her go straight into the phones apps from a sleeping black screen


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

Why didn't you open the door immediately and join their conversation? 

Their reactions/facial expressions/behaviour could have told you a lot about this situation.

In any case start looking. No need to confront or stress her out at this point. Go with your gut.


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## vince (Jul 10, 2010)

EllisRedding said:


> Per the bolded, doesn't this strike you as odd? You are married to someone with whom has already cheated once (that you know of), and on top of that you believe she is a clever woman ready to go underground. This is the type of woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, or is the pregnancy thing the only reason why you are sticking around?


The pregnancy thing is massive, shes had 4 misscarrages, if she had another after i confront her with this, i would never forgive myself


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

vince said:


> The pregnancy thing is massive, shes had 4 misscarrages, if she had another after i confront her with this, i would never forgive myself


No one said anything about confronting her having an affair, just ask for her phone or take it at night... 

It's weird that on the one hand you think of her as this fragile princess who can't take the stress but on the other hand you say she is capable of having an affair, managing her offical and "secret" life and is ready to move it underground if you raise her suspicions. Does not sound like the same person.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

have you noticed any difference in your sex life or her wanting to be touched by you?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Really i would just grab the phone in the middle of the night. 

Better yet, let yours drain down to 0% in the early evening, then when lying in bed ask to use her phone to look something up.

Again, her reaction to that request will tell you as much if not more than anything on the phone itself.

I mean, no passcode? Does she take it into the bathroom too? There must be 2 minutes in the day you can take a peek at it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Really i would just grab the phone in the middle of the night.
> 
> Better yet, let yours drain down to 0% in the early evening, then when lying in bed ask to use her phone to look something up.
> 
> ...


Keep quiet, play dumb, observe.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

vince said:


> Hi,
> 
> Some years ago, I caught my wife having an emotional affair over Facebook, with an old school friend. It really hurt me, even though nothing physical happened. Things have been good since we cleared the air, People were removed from FB, and life moved on.
> 
> ...


Start doing some discrete sleuthing -- start w/ the phone bill.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

vince said:


> The phone is beside her, at night, but she is an incredibly light sleeper, and wakes at my slightest movement. As far as im aware she has no password, as I have watched her go straight into the phones apps from a sleeping black screen


What kind of phone does she use?

What kind of phone do _you_ use?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

How many months pregnant is she?

Does she tutor at a school or in students' homes?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Don't forget to dna the baby.


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## vince (Jul 10, 2010)

GusPolinski said:


> What kind of phone does she use?
> 
> What kind of phone do _you_ use?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Think she has some sort of Sony, mines a hitc
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vince (Jul 10, 2010)

blueinbr said:


> How many months pregnant is she?
> 
> Does she tutor at a school or in students' homes?


17 weeks, and college tutor
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Vince

*""Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY a cheap VAR. SONY SONY SONY. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon here IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony. 
Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31. 
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.

Set VOR "on" see page 38 
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary 
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT

Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro. 
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com 
also 
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.

The velcro is usually in the fabric section or less often in the aisle with the fasteners like screws. The velcro pack is mostly blue with a yellow top. Clear pack shows the vecro color which is black or white.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE 
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it. 
I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Amazon has a pen VAR that can be placed in a purse or other small place to get remote conversations. Yes the pen works. 
If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for four men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality.


If you do the above, you will know very quickly if she is still talking to him and if she has anything up her sleeve on this next business trip. YOU must be prepared to hear more hurtful stuff WITHOUT revealing how you know what you know. You owe her no explanations.

Now back to the steps. Tell us what kind of phone and there are tech geniuses on here who can tell you exactly what programs you can install to retrieve the messages. And do not tell her when you have the retrieval tool. Just ask for the phone.*

Go get the VAR. You will find out what you need to know in less than a week. If she is banging a neighbor they are talking constantly. DO NOT reveal how you know anything, and be prepared to hear some tough stuff. 

There was no good reason to exclude you from the conversation and her track record makes you justified in being nervous.

TRUST YOUR GUT


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

I've observed my brother and sister-in-law and their use of their phones. They've been married for about ten years. If either person wanted to use the other person's phone, they wouldn't even have to ask, because they have no secrets from each other. I can play around with their phones without asking and they wouldn't even care.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

becareful2 said:


> I've observed my brother and sister-in-law and their use of their phones. They've been married for about ten years. If either person wanted to use the other person's phone, they wouldn't even have to ask, because they have no secrets from each other. I can play around with their phones without asking and they wouldn't even care.


I've had this transparency in the past. False sense of security if there's a company mobile, company email or burner phone.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Don't let yourself be put on the birth certificate for the new child without a paternity test. You should also dna test existing children.

Click the link in my sig and follow the instructions in that thread.


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## vince (Jul 10, 2010)

Xenote said:


> have you noticed any difference in your sex life or her wanting to be touched by you?


It's less than it was, but I put that down to the pregnancy, she doesn't recoil from my touch, that I have noticed
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vince (Jul 10, 2010)

Yep the phone goes everywhere with her even to the bathroom


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

vince said:


> Yep the phone goes everywhere with her even to the bathroom.


Ouch.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

vince said:


> Yep the phone goes everywhere with her even to the bathroom


That is the #1 red flag for cheating. I don't recall a single case here where that had an innocent explanation.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

vince said:


> It's less than it was, but I put that down to the pregnancy, she doesn't recoil from my touch, that I have noticed
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your case has multiple red flag, thread careful and do not confront early!

How many times a week/month did your sex life change over the past two year? A best as can estimate is needed for the experienced Tammers to evaluate how big a red flag it could be.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

vince said:


> Think she has some sort of Sony, mines a hitc


Google this...

"Wondershare Dr. Fone Android compatibility list"

See if her phone is listed; if so, you may be able to use the WDF software to recover any deleted texts, voice messages, call record entries, etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

vince said:


> The facebook incedent, was in 2010, and im loathe to ask her for her phone, incase im wrong, it would devistate her, just to ask, I feel, + *she is pregnant, and has had 4 miscarrages, up until this point*. Things are going well on that front and the baby is past the danger zone, of the other miscarrages, im petrified, and dont want to cause, undue stress, etc and would blame myself for another miscarrage, if it happened at this late stage.
> [/B]
> I did not expose the affair to anyone else
> 
> ...


Means nothing. 

I'm sorry friend, but do not let your wife's health issues serve as an excuse for her bad behavior. If you are being a good and loving husband to her, there is no excuse for her having these improper relationships with males. Her wayward behavior and miscarriage have nothing to do with one another. Nothing. 

The problem that has occurred is you and her swept her prior affair under the rug. Cutting the OM out and doing the FB stuff was a good start, but your wife has done nothing to bolster and rebuild her sad-ass boundaries, which are basically non-existent. Your wife has a responsibility to shut men down when they are getting flirty. You say she is a tutor. That is sort of an isolated job where she works mostly on her own does she not? Then why all this contact with men outside your marriage? She should only be having cursory male acquaintances through her girlfriends and within your social circle and nothing more. 

I'm old fashioned. I don't believe in wives having "guy-friends" unless they are husbands of girlfriends. I don't even think old male platonic friends should be tolerated. But that is just me. Maybe you are more tolerant. After her EA you should have shut all that down. You didn't and now her behavior has resurfaced. 

Ther is a thread on CWI calle "Evidence Finding" or something like that and you can learn lots of tips on how to gather intel. You need to be doing some sleuthing to find out what she is up to. VARs, keylogger, GPS... there are lots of different techniques you can use to find out what is going on. Just be stealthy and don't let her know what you are doing.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

vince said:


> Yep the phone goes everywhere with her *even to the bathroom*
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't make the same mistake I made, get the service contract on the phone. I didn't, my W let her phone slip in the toilet, wasted a whole bag of rice, only in the end having to buy her a new phone


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Vince

*Yep the phone goes everywhere with her even to the bathroom
That is the #1 red flag for cheating. I don't recall a single case here where that had an innocent explanation.*


You can google the signs your wife is cheating and this one will pop up there right near the top. And if there is now a password on it all of a sudden, you can take it to the bank something not good is happening.

Get the VAR
Get copies of you phone bills and look for a number that keeps popping up

The longer you wait to uncover this the harder it will be to stop. If it has been going on a long time, you need to know that. Women generally get emotionally attached to their OM to a greater degree than men. The sex is the price of admission to all the ego kibbles and excitement.

Your gut is screaming enough to come to a forum of strangers. Right now, DENIAL is your worst enemy.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

To be fair I'm always on my phone in the bathroom. It's the only peace I get for 5-10 minutes 

But I'm not cheating on my wife and have no other red flags. Phone with her constantly even in the bathroom, the Facebook EA, everything else adds up to you need to do investigative work. 

Like I said ask to borrow her phone. Her reaction will tell you all you need to know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Guys what is WhatsApp? Is that like Snapchat, Kick, etc?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Guys what is WhatsApp? Is that like Snapchat, Kick, etc?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Chat apps should be a firm no-no in light of abusing Facebook years ago. Were no common sense boundaries established?

What do chat apps offer that your traditional phone service does not? Discretion. Why does she need discretion to communicate? That's the million dollar question. 

In light of the past, this does not look good. Get your hands on the phone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Vince

If she is using apps on her phone that "disappear", and those mentioned do, then this makes the red flags even redder.

i would not ask to see her phone unless you have a plan on what you are going to do when she REFUSES to give it to you. All you will accomplish is to alert her that you are suspicious.

When you gather more information and confront her if it comes to that, the real thing you say to gauge a reaction is that you need her to take a polygraph ( assuming you find something and/or she denies everything). Then when she turns as white as Casper the Ghost her reaction means a LOT.

Do not ask her questions. you have been given things you can do to find out more. All alerting her does it drives it further underground. And if this guy is a neighbor, you need a VAR in house as well as her car.


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## vince (Jul 10, 2010)

Think I'm going to try to get hold of the phone, she wakes constantly lately though, think it's a pregnancy thing, anyway I'm going to have to do something I'm going crazy, thanks guys
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

If she has the phone by her next to bed then get Wondershare and put it on a laptop.

Put the laptop underneath your side of the bed and buy an extra long USB cable for it with the end being a female usb 
https://www.amazon.com/AmazonBasics-Extension-Cable-Male-Female/dp/B00NH11PEY

Run the USB under the bed ahead of time. 

While she is sleeping quickly change out the USB her phone is charging from from the wall to this cable. She will not even notice it because it'll even be the same charging cable.

Run Wondershare on your laptop, you only have to press a few buttons to make it run


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## t_hopper_2012 (Apr 17, 2012)

Have you checked your online cell phone statement? Are any strange numbers being called or texted a lot?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If she syncs her phone you can pull info off the PC. Everyone's correct just check your phonebill online as a starter. 

Hate to say it but I'd DNA test the baby if you come up with anything. This happens more than you think.

Sorry you're here


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

How sure are you that this baby is yours and the other question Vince, does she talk about any particular college student she tutor's


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Vince, what happened over Facebook? You posted six years ago that you were concerned because wife was delivering some old school videos to a male classmate:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/14903-facebook-friends.html

Overall it didn't seem to rise to the level of an EA over Facebook which you reference in your opening post today. What happened over Facebook, specifically?

You posted earlier this year too about your wife getting a massage from a male coworker, is this continuing? This would make me uncomfortable too:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/339049-massage.html

I assume the old classmate over Facebook, the masseur and the friend's dad are all three different people?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

@vince I'm sorry but I'm going to be hard on you. Your fear and passiveness is just killing me. 


Just ask for or take the fvcking phone from her and go through it and put you mind at ease. If she is offended, just explain her past behavior has killed all trust. She's just going to have to accept this as a consequence of her past actions.
If this ass clown she was talking to makes you uncomfortable just tell her she is not to speak with him again. Then contact this guy and tell him to stop sucking around your wife. Stand up and be heard.
I think I agree with some of the other posters about a DNA test on the baby.

You rugs wept the last infidelity and now you are pay for it mentally and maybe her behavior is also a consequence of that rugs weeping. Get over your fear man, and do something!


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## vince (Jul 10, 2010)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Vince, what happened over Facebook? You posted six years ago that you were concerned because wife was delivering some old school videos to a male classmate:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/14903-facebook-friends.html
> 
> ...


The facebook thing involved 3 old school flames/friends. 

1 she was meeting to give old video tapes of something that he did or was in at school, but she didn't tell me about it. 

The other was some old friends trying to meet up with her, but to be fair she seemed to be politely saying no to him.

The third was much more full on discussing what was going on in each others lives, and saying things about old times, and discussing partners and problems etc. She seemed to talk more about these things to him than she did to me. 

But the straw that broke the camels back was that she talked about some rumor that was going around while she was going out with him that she had been having sex with another boy. She said that it was totally false, and if she was to have sex with anyone, it would only be him.

This upset me to read it in black and white, and that she was talking to an ex boy Friend saying that he was the only one she would have had sex with many years ago. I thought it inappropriate, and I wouldn't be talking to my e x girlfriends, telling them that they should've been my first etc. This may seem childish on my part, but it made me insanely jealous , that she would be talking this way to an ex boyfriend. There was also many kisses on the posts

My wife is the only partner I have ever had from the age of 16
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vince (Jul 10, 2010)

The Co worker she has mentioned more than any other, male she works with, not a great deal to be fair , but more than the others. He's some sort of sports masseuse. 

I was just uncomfortable with the fact that my wife was getting a massage off a Co worker, even if it is his job
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

vince said:


> Yep the phone goes everywhere with her even to the bathroom
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





TAM2013 said:


> Ouch.


So does my W but she is playing candy crush. I can hear it through the door. Anyway, the apps like Snapchat and Whatapp are notorious for use in cheating, etc. Also, your W should not have closed the door. That was a move evident of not wanting you to hear the conversation. Married people do not do that.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

vince said:


> Think I'm going to try to get hold of the phone, she wakes constantly lately though, think it's a pregnancy thing, anyway I'm going to have to do something I'm going crazy, thanks guys
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Vince, 

Who is the carrier for your phones? Get the bill online and check for repeated texts to the same number.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

vince said:


> The Co worker she has mentioned more than any other, male she works with, not a great deal to be fair , but more than the others. He's some sort of sports masseuse.
> 
> *I was just uncomfortable with the fact that my wife was getting a massage off a Co worker, even if it is his job*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yea brah....not at my ranch. This should be curtailed.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Vince 

About the previous affair partner did you at lease inform the wife or girlfriend?

Tamat


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

vince said:


> The facebook thing involved 3 old school flames/friends.
> 
> 1 she was meeting to give old video tapes of something that he did or was in at school, but she didn't tell me about it.
> 
> ...


Not childish at all. Very inappropriate conversation she was having. Further, they call them an X for a reason. X's need to be gone out of one's life for good.


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## vince (Jul 10, 2010)

Yeswecan said:


> Vince,
> 
> Who is the carrier for your phones? Get the bill online and check for repeated texts to the same number.



Our bills are separate, I don't have access to it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

vince said:


> The pregnancy thing is massive, shes had 4 misscarrages, if she had another after i confront her with this, i would never forgive myself


Yes.

This is a legitimate reason to avoid confronting her until after she delivers. This is your child, also: [check this out with a DNA test, if you find out she has been cheating]. What difference does it make *when* you catch her? Or not. Patience will pay off handsomely here.

The truth...good or bad, will be revealed.

When is her due date?

You have until that day plus a week or so after to do your detective work. Get a VAR in her car and in the place in the house where she does most of her phone use [talking].

Get a GPS device put in her vehicle [uses vehicle service port]. Or, buy a cheap burner phone and keep it in her car also. You can track this burner phone's location. Watch out that she does not see the monthly bill for the phone.

You need closure here. Is she NOW FAITHFUL or not. She cheated once. Did she learn her lesson? Her actions are Red Flags. But Flags do not always hold air....flap their crappy news.

Sorry you are here. 

Good luck, report your findings here. And do not confront until after the baby is born.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

vince said:


> Our bills are separate, I don't have access to it
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That makes it difficult.


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## vince (Jul 10, 2010)

TAMAT said:


> Vince
> 
> About the previous affair partner did you at lease inform the wife or girlfriend?
> 
> Tamat


No
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

becareful2 said:


> I've observed my brother and sister-in-law and their use of their phones. They've been married for about ten years. If either person wanted to use the other person's phone, they wouldn't even have to ask, because they have no secrets from each other. I can play around with their phones without asking and they wouldn't even care.


The way it should be.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The biggest issue here is that you have a wife who thrives on male attention and has zero boundaries. This is a very bad combination.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

vince said:


> Our bills are separate, I don't have access to it
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, at least there's a good reason for it.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Vince,

Until you get some information all the advice is speculation. You asked for the VAR information, you now have it, so take some action and get some answers. 

Getting the technical information is the easy part. There are very tech savvy people on here (not me), but until you install the thing you are going to be in limbo. She is hiding something and is NOT going to tell you squat. You quickest and best bet is the VAR in her car and house, and on the one in house put it up high unless she is a very tall woman.

Remember the two rules

(1) you never admit how you fond out the information
(2) you MUST be prepared to hear hurtful information and not panic and blow your cover.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Hello Vince,

Well, your wife seems to be quite the busybody and a definite handful …

Having a full on EA and then being caught (not confessing)!

Then having been forgiven, meeting up through FB with male friends from school to deliver old disco videos and more importantly not telling you about it!

Getting sports massages from male work colleagues (and she's a tutor!) and not seeing anything inappropriate there!

And now flirting and being secretive with handsome divorced (cheating) fathers of your son's friend - while being 16 weeks pregnant!

Up to date with phones - she has gone from iPhones to Sony to who knows what else in this period!


No, you are not wrong to react to your gut! Just do it discreetly and do not tip your hand till you have something a little more concrete to go on. You do have your work cut out for you though so you need to pay close attention to the advice and act quickly - do not dilly dally.

She is piss-poor on boundaries, a flirt, a cheat and seemingly unaware of the messages (and possibly pheromones) she is giving to these dogs! I do not think that she has suffered any consequences for her behaviour. And you, my friend, do not need to feel guilty or bad in the slightest when spying on her.

Go into surveillance mode as per the evidence gathering thread. When (notice I did not say if) you find something come back here for advice on next steps before confronting (unless she is about to fvck somebody in which case go nuclear on her to stop it from happening). And do not blame the POSOM if it is so - she would be with someone else if not him it would seem.

What exactly did she do/say in her first EA that you busted ? Who was it with ? How long did it go on for ? What did she say when you confronted her ? It would be useful to know to help you go forward.

Take care man.


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## vince (Jul 10, 2010)

Hi, in a few posts previous I explained about the e.a at first she acted as if there was nothing wrong , with what she was doing on fb, but quickly changed her tune.

There was another major thing that I failed to mention, it's pretty massive really, now I think of it.

I found a pair of stockings, and suspenders in a bag, which she certainly never wore for me in the bedroom, and said they were her friends at the time, I feel really dumb, now I think about it, why would you hold onto some underwear for your friend, although she was doing s a lot of wedding organizing at the time, so I guess I put it down to that, they were white.


Anyway, I have started the ball rolling, with regards to sleuthing. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

TX-SC said:


> The way it should be.


Almost...as long as the one spouse doesn't say anything about the nerdy games on the other spouses phone...


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I'm not sure if you can recall the moment you found those items in her bag, but in reflecting back how was her tone, her body language when she saw those in your hands. wow talk about a HUGE red flag.


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## vince (Jul 10, 2010)

Xenote said:


> I'm not sure if you can recall the moment you found those items in her bag, but in reflecting back how was her tone, her body language when she saw those in your hands. wow talk about a HUGE red flag.


Thats what started the ball rolling all those years ago, when i found those and i started digging and found out about FB Ea. I dont remember her tone etc, she was crying, but i dont remember her struggling for an excuse, and white stockings are worn by the bride etc at weddings, and she was basically organizing everything, so.....


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

OP are you buying that are you kidding me... You just happen that's the only thing you found that had to do with the wedding was stockings no come on you know what you know what she's up to.? There's no doubt she's involved in multiple PAs she's a serial cheater your wife is no good do yourself a favor and get out of that **** marriage. you don't get it that she has no respect for you at all. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Vince, 

Did you at least confront the OM to get his side of the story.

It's about time to inform the OMW about what happened.

Tamat


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

May I see that my feeling, based on resemblances with other stories, is that there may be multiple OM's over a number of years...

So take care with gas lighting when referring to a wrong OM for the evidence you may feel you have.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ce-post.html?highlight=standard+evidence+post


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

The genesis of my standard evidence post is the infamous "Bob". If it can beat someone advised by him, it can beat 99% of OMs and wayward wives. To date 3 years later he is the most experienced wife targeting sob ive seen. 
Three years later it has been updated multiple times. A and we now have our apple guru Gus.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Vince

I hope you do not believe that she was holding that lingerie or underwear for a friend . If you do no one here can help you

She now knows you are suspicious. You better do more that casually starting your sleuthing.

She is cheating on you . Take it to the bank
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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