# Some advice re eldests bio father and wife.



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Don't normally ask advice here as I tend to deal with things my own way but I want to do this right.

My eldest sons bio father has suddenly turned up again. My eldest introduced him to my grandchildren as their grandfather.

Mrs Wysh is super pissed at the moment and quite cross with my eldest.
As he said, "what could I do mum, he just suddenly turned up at work and my house."

She is so angry, at the (quote) 'POS useless sperm donor."

She is upset and it is causing her some grief.

I'm just trying to love her through it by being there but is there more I could do?

I think confronting him would backfire on me family wise but I'd gladly chin him.

He ignored my son for 17 years and denied he was his father. Turned up to start a relationship with him then dropped him again when it got too difficult and has popped up a couple of times since.

Oh btw never felt threatened by him, in my sons own words "he might be my father but you're my dad."


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## RedRose14 (Aug 15, 2013)

Hi SWysh!

Well, that's upsetting for Mrs SWysh, the sperm donor turning up out of the blue deciding he suddenly wants involvement in your son's life and the grandchildren's lives. I can understand why Mrs SWysh is upset.

The sperm donor showed his true colours by ignoring your son for 17 years, and he will show his true colours again, his nature is his nature, a leopard can't change his spots. Your son and the grandchildren will make up their own minds about him.

As far as what you should do, well you continue to maintain your dignity. You are the dad and grandad, you have raised your son, been there for him every step of the way, nothing changes any of that.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Thanks Red. More or less what I've been doing. Just feels so passive I feel like I need to do something to make it right.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Just to clarify, her term sperm donor is not meant to indicate he donated sperm in the true sense of through a lab, just that as a man that is all she thinks of him now.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I think I'd be pretty heated if I was MrsWysh too! The nerve of that man popping up after all this time and suddenly getting the privilege of being called dad and granddad. It burns me up just thinking of it!!

On your end though it's better to be strong and silent.Just support MrsWysh and let her vent through her anger. Commiserate bc it's not something that can be fixed. I would talk to her about being angry at your son,he's in an odd position and her anger is misdirected.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Wysh.... Just wanted to say I think the way you are handling this is perfect! You're a good egg! Very frustrating for you and enraging for Mrs Wysh.

Would it be very tense to have a discussion about what the grandchildren call the sperm donor? Help set up some boundaries for your son in advance of the next time he knocks on the door?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I am also a step-parent (raised child from age 2) and have had many issues with the bio mom...it sucks. But love always prevails in these things.


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

OP, you seem to have a good grasp on the situation and doing a great job. If this guy was absent for that long more than likely he will be absent very soon again. Maybe he is coming out of some type of rehab and needs to do this as some closure or something. But he hasn't been invested in the kid's life ever and I doubt he will start now. So just stay the course and let him fade out again.

One other thing dont let your wife show anger in front of the kids. I understand her frustation and she has every right to feel that way, but it wont help. If anything it might hurt her. It could push the kid even more to want to speak and see him again. Kids up to a certain point will still long for a connection. But they dont forget who was there for them and as they get older it gets easier to forget them all together.

Best of luck this cant be easy for you.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I think I'd be pretty heated if I was MrsWysh too! The nerve of that man popping up after all this time and suddenly getting the privilege of being called dad and granddad. It burns me up just thinking of it!!
> 
> On your end though it's better to be strong and silent.Just support MrsWysh and let her vent through her anger. Commiserate bc it's not something that can be fixed. I would talk to her about being angry at your son,he's in an odd position and her anger is misdirected.


More or less what I'm doing, and I did mention that it must have been difficult for our eldest.

She was more angry for him I think than at him, this guy did a number on her. She calmed down a bit once we had chatted.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Wysh.... Just wanted to say I think the way you are handling this is perfect! You're a good egg! Very frustrating for you and enraging for Mrs Wysh.
> 
> Would it be very tense to have a discussion about what the grandchildren call the sperm donor? Help set up some boundaries for your son in advance of the next time he knocks on the door?


Thanks, the guy lives in Norway so only rarely visits anyway, doesn't even maintain an online relationship as far as I'm aware.

My eldest has a pretty good head on his shoulders so I trust his judgement even if that head can be hot at times.
The good thing is that he is not slow at asking advice if he feels he could benefit from it.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> I am also a step-parent (raised child from age 2) and have had many issues with the bio mom...it sucks. But love always prevails in these things.


As I mentioned he has always maintained that I am his dad.

There was a lovely period when he was young when he would say, "Uncle ---, dad, Uncle ---.

It was a great moment when he felt confident enough to fully go over to using 'dad'.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Eagle3 said:


> OP, you seem to have a good grasp on the situation and doing a great job. If this guy was absent for that long more than likely he will be absent very soon again. Maybe he is coming out of some type of rehab and needs to do this as some closure or something. But he hasn't been invested in the kid's life ever and I doubt he will start now. So just stay the course and let him fade out again.
> 
> One other thing dont let your wife show anger in front of the kids. I understand her frustation and she has every right to feel that way, but it wont help. If anything it might hurt her. It could push the kid even more to want to speak and see him again. Kids up to a certain point will still long for a connection. But they dont forget who was there for them and as they get older it gets easier to forget them all together.
> 
> Best of luck this cant be easy for you.


Yes, what we intend doing, unfortunately as old as my eldest is I know it hurts him when his guy drops out again.

He has often popped up when family events occur. When we got married, when we first got together etc.

He has never faced me, not sure why as I am a pvssycat really.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

WyshIknew said:


> Yes, what we intend doing, unfortunately as old as my eldest is I know it hurts him when his guy drops out again.
> 
> He has often popped up when family events occur. When we got married, when we first got together etc.
> 
> He has never faced me, not sure why as I am a pvssycat really.


Maybe because it reminds him that you're twice the man he could ever be?

Sounds like you're supporting Mrs Wysh (and son) wonderfully through this.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

This may come out slightly confusing so bare with me?

<2 cents>
My wife(second) is and has been a great mother to my D17. 
My ex is however, my D17's mother.
My ex's bf is a great father to my D17. 
I am however, her father.

There are legal definitions in many states that actually protect the term and references of father and mother for the biological parents. 

I don't say this to slight anyone who has ever filled that role in any way. Believe me, I get it.

That said - The boy is a man. This is something for him to decide how to handle now. Nobody else. Not Mrs Wysh or Mr Wysh. If he asks advice, tread carefully and provide advice. But it's up to him. 
</2 cents>

<extra dime>
As far as referring to someone as a 'sperm donor' or 'egg hatchery', it's a loaded statement. I used to call my ex "the hatchery" or "the incubator". Then it occurred to me once, that I, at some point in life, thought enough of this person to have sex with them. to have a child with them. To continue together until it was proven a bad idea. I realized that it was time to drop the negativity and own that I couldn't be much better since I had already placed myself with that person.
</extra dime>


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My ex sounds just like MrsWysh's ex. If he suddenly showed up again and contacted my kids, they'd assume he was going to just disappear again. They'd probably be hurt and mad when he did, but they're adults and they can deal with it. I'd probably have a chat with them about it and let them know I sympathize.

I would probably be pissed off at my ex too. I've been known to also call him a POS sperm donor a time or two  I would probably need to vent to my hubby a few times, but I wouldn't want him to say anything to the ex about anything. Just be there for me and maybe give me some extra luvvin 

I don't have any grandkids, but I would probably have an age appropriate talk with them about the family dynamics. With their parents blessing of course. They may have questions about why do they have two grampas and when did grandma have another husband and all that.


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