# Leaving the Narcissist=Anyone Have Experience



## Sparkles422

I remembered my X's other XWife saying that X was a narcissist. And I started researching it and found he had a lot of the same symptons (7 of the 9).

Now I understand. It makes sense. I had been living in this strange fog for 9 years, careful what I said, constantly complimenting (every day) and he never really ever returned them. And when I stopped, because I was drained, he found another victim. And he used the same lines as he did with me. Saw them on FB until he privatized it. After all one day, he emailed me that he loved me. That was a red flag!

I am sorry I seem to continue to dwell but I needed to understand because none of it really made sense and now it does.

Has anyone else terminated a relationship/marriage with a narcissist? Now that I have found myself again, X has done a 180, kind, considerate, invading my privacy. That's because I am escaping.

I am borrowing money from brother to move faster. I didn't realize I had been a victim.


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## that_girl

I had a serious relationship with one for about 3 years.

Draining, tiring, and demeaning.


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## magnoliagal

If you want support specifically for this there are yahoo (and other) groups that deal with people who have narcissists in their lives. I belonged to an an adult children of narcissists yahoo group years ago as I worked to get away from my narcissistic dad (we've been estranged 13 years now). They truly do make you feel crazy so it's important to get perspective once you are away from them.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

3 times. It's easier when they're deployed and not there to play N games. Although mine did try a lot of tactics via distance. I'll be gone by the time he gets home. I got lucky this time. I'm not sure how it would have turned out had I not had my 'logic' fried by the hypoxia of the anaphylaxis (allergies). My stbxh was using my sense of logic and also pride and morals and high standards for myself against me to his advantage. When I had the carpet yanked out from under me in terms of my usual higher-level complex logic and had to rely only on intuition and emotion, his tactics suddenly failed. I also wasn't distracted by things I couldn't handle, like work. And, I had a case manager and a therapist in place due to having the anaphylaxis misdiagnosed as psychotic anxiety. I credit God for saving me this time around. My stbxh who is atheist (actually a bit more atheist than most atheists) tried a last-ditch attempt which was to say a higher power put us together so that we should stick it out so that we could find out what it was. OK, well it wasn't so that I could have a child at age 48 when he suddenly and I do mean suddenly decided that birth control wasn't necessary. Argh. He tried logic to explain that one, didn't work. Knocked up is knocked up. The desperate control manuever of a child at my age...pretty much guarantees a relationship of some sort for the rest of my active adult life (or at least 1/3 of it) and a link forever. Not gonna happen. 

While I don't condone black and white thinking about people, I have come to realize that a narcissist will play on reluctance to use black/white thinking about people...and when you are right about him being wrong, he will try to make you second guess your judgement. So you have to think in broader terms, like 'this relationship is toxic to me'. That gets you off the hook into saying HE is a bad person. He can't help it, he is narcissist. It the the relationship with the narcissist that is toxic. To avoid the relationship one must avoid or at least disengage the intimate/sexual feelings towards the narcissist. It is possible to feel compassion for them without providing the 'comfort'. The two acts of sympathy are different. One is umbrella-like, pointed in the right direction and hopefully provides some shelter or sorts...the other is like trying to give a blood transfusion from your own body, and letting his toxins into your bloodstream...eventually your kidneys would fail from the burden of taking care of your own toxins plus his, plus those created from the relationship. Too much!
There is a reason why narcissists 'feed' on people. They are emotional vampires. Sometimes they try mirroring. Don't fall for it. I bet you are a 'nice' person. He's playing you on that. Did you eat any of that food he made for you that you didn't actually want? To be nice, or maybe to not waste food, or to show that you could rise above the issue of divorce and be cool with him and civil? That gave him information...about pliability. Good thing you have a brother. With narcissists, negative attention is better than no attention at all, it is energy they are looking for, your energy because if it is going to them, it is not going anywhere else. it's a form of entrapment that doesn't involve walls or doors or locks or keys. It's sinister because you do it to yourself by engaging with him,even when you think it's to reject him, it's still entrapment because of the energy involved. You absolutely have to ignore him, entirely...when you find that a few hours have gone by and you didn't think about him but were thinking about something else, give yourself a pat on the back. Go for even longer, keep going. He WILL feel the disengagement. LOL, my older son was afraid of becoming narcissist like his dad, so I did cut the apron strings with him...one day he called and I was like who is this? Now I recognized his voice when he calls but that was funny for both of us, I knew I was not worrying about and thinking about him all the time, and he knew I had really cut the apron strings and could not appeal to me except in an adult way. It is very difficult to raise a child who has had to deal with an N dad, while still making sure they know they are special, but have to foloow normal rules of engagement and behavior with other people. I got a letter from him today and it was sincere and well-timed and thoughtful...acknowledged basic emotions people talk about in course of a day or whatever...it was in no way manipulative. I'm so proud of him, because he did recognize some N traits in himself at a young age and worked very hard not to be like that. If only GROWN MEN could do that, huh?


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## gmsRN1309

I did not leave a narcissist, but he left me. I did not realize I married a marcissit until I was in therapy about 8 months post him leaving me.

All sounds the same though. I lived to try to please him. nothing I ever did was good enough. I was constantly criticized, I was blamed for anothing that went wrong, ever heard an apology even after awful tihings in our relationship were done.

He left me when our daughter was 6 months old. I was only 27. We had beent hrough IVF for HIS infertility and had a beautiful baby. When he left me, he blamed me. He left me because I was unloving, didn't treat him good enough. Well, really he was having an affair.

The thing is, just like you had mentioned, when I was going through IVF, and through my high risk pregnancy, I was tired. I couldn't put him on a pedastal anymore. I couldn't go out of my way to make him happy or do what he felt I should. I started asking for a little more attention, when he got down on me, criticized me, blamed me for something, i fought back. I just couldn't anymore.

What did he do/ he cheated on me in my pregnancy (I found this out not too long ago, although we have been apart for a while, divorced for 2 years) and married her. A highly unnatractive, but obviously desperate woman (who the hell goes for a man who has a child on the way?) Why her? because I am sure she is idolizing her. That's why. She puts him on the pedestal, and lived for him now. 

I was devastated for quite sometime. He was my first and only love, the father of my baby girl. I was left a new mom going through the trauma of a divorce I did not see coming.

Anyways, after growing up about 10 years, in the matter of 3, I realize the truth. I would have left him eventually if he did not change. I was very unhappy. I was brainwashed into thinking I wasn't worthy of him or anything else when i knew better.

My advice, and I hate saying it: get out. because if he is truly like this and as you describe, he is only seriving his own purposes. 

My therapist said these are the hardest people to get to see their ways and change. because they are so narcissistic they can't see they have anything to work on. They are perfect.

Sorry you have to deal with this. My eyes are WIDE open these days for this kind of personality.


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## Sparkles422

gmsrn: I moved out 15 days ago and found a great apartment that really appeals to me and allows my little dog.

I start school on Monday and then in October I will be going 40 hrs a week for a change in career. 

In four weeks I was divorced (my initiation), sold house, packed, moved, unpacked, took test for school and settled in. What a whirlwind and now that the dust has settled somewhat I think I have made a very lucky escape.

He is now emailing me as part of his string, texting and trying to collect money (we signed a doc stating all was satisfied). He has lost control of me and I have regained my soul and myself. I have not answered anything and will only mail back the doc with the highlighted agreement and his signature with his return address.

No contact. I worked too hard and went through too much pain to be taken in again. He had wanted to reconcile 3 weeks ago and talked about the dangers of boredom (what he feels for that woman he seduced is not very much and poor thing has been married for 45 yrs!). He doesn't love her, he loves himself. I feel for her.

I escaped. I can't believe it and I thank God everyday.


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## ing

Reading this and the behavior of my partner of 25 years over the past 7 months has made me realize that I was in a relationship with one. Only 7 months after it ended and I have met a person who is not one, am I starting to see it. 
It is a crushing.
So many things people on this thread say bring me to the horrible conclusion that I allowed this to happen for most of my adult life.


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## Shooboomafoo

ing said:


> Reading this and the behavior of my partner of 25 years over the past 7 months has made me realize that I was in a relationship with one. Only 7 months after it ended and I have met a person who is not one, am I starting to see it.
> It is a crushing.
> So many things people on this thread say bring me to the horrible conclusion that I allowed this to happen for most of my adult life.


Dont feel bad man. I think so too. I think I had shifted my ideal set to where the relationship was something I wanted it to be, but just wasnt there yet, instead of realizing it simply was not.
It is kind of humiliating to realize for me that I gave so much time and obligated myself for so long to someone not worthy of it.


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## unbelievable

I did for 12 years and finally sent her packing. It was like the weight of the entire world being lifted from my shoulders.


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## ing

Shooboomafoo said:


> I think I had shifted my ideal set to where the relationship was something I wanted it to be, but just wasnt there yet, instead of realizing it simply was not.


Always wondering what you could do to make it right for her.


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## Jellybeans

Being with a narcissist is akin to playing a game with someone who holsd all the cards and doesn't tell you about it.

No matter what you do, you CANNOT win. They will keep switching up the game on you and they won't tell you how or why. Keep you guessing, nothing you do will ever be enough. Ever. 

The best thing to do is to cut them loose once and forever. They rarely change. Their sense of entitlement is very deep-seeded.


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## AppleDucklings

yes, I was married to one. I'm not anymore and my life is becoming so much better.


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## AppleDucklings

Jellybeans said:


> Being with a narcissist is akin to playing a game with someone who holsd all the cards and doesn't tell you about it.
> 
> No matter what you do, you CANNOT win. They will keep switching up the game on you and they won't tell you how or why. Keep you guessing, nothing you do will ever be enough. Ever.
> 
> The best thing to do is to cut them loose once and forever. They rarely change. Their sense of entitlement is very deep-seeded.


^ exactly


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## Freak On a Leash

Jellybeans said:


> No matter what you do, you CANNOT win. They will keep switching up the game on you and they won't tell you how or why. Keep you guessing, nothing you do will ever be enough. Ever.
> 
> The best thing to do is to cut them loose once and forever. They rarely change. Their sense of entitlement is very deep-seeded.


Wow, so you HAVE met my husband? :lol::iagree:

That pretty much sums him up.


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## Jellybeans

Hey, Freak! Girl, your husband and my ex are practically twins! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash

Could be the same guy?  :scratchhead: However my H doesn't fart much but he coughs a lot. That's almost as annoying. I can still remember how my stomach would tighten up as he came up the stairs after he got home from work, coughing, coughing....

I've often thought of my H as the Narcissistic type and now I'm convinced, especially lately. The only advice I have is to ...

RUN AWAY RUN AWAY!!


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## Jellybeans

Lol about the coughing. Did u guys ever file divorce?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash

Nah. I'll just outlive him.  Unfortunately he's a drunk with money and that's a very unpleasant combination and I don't want to go head to head with him in a court of law. I'd rather keep my money in my bank account then pay an attorney for a divorce. He'll spend all his money grinding me into the ground just to see me suffer. that's the kind of person he is. 

He's mean, vindictive, full of self pity and yes, narcissistic. The entire world is supposed to revolve around him. It's a long, weird story and it's gotten weirder since I posted last. But the difference is that I finally have the emotional detachment I craved for 20 years and that's a BIG help. 

We live pretty separate lives, but for me, it's not separate enough. He thinks we still have a marriage but after a summer of giving it a shot I've determined the opposite. Even so, he keeps calling and asking if I miss him and bothering me to hang out at his house and visit with him. So I keep coming up with creative excuses on why not to. He's the master of the guilt trip but I'm not buying a ticket for that trip anymore. 

He's just intolerable to spend any amount of time with. I've had it with him and his games and problems but time is on my side so I'll just have to be patient and wait it out.


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## Jellybeans

Yep. Confirmed. He is def my ex's twin! Lol. I wish u the best in the future...without him. Heheh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog

You mean that Colonel Kurtz level of paranoid no wire hangers drama queen I'm hitched to? Yeah. Need eyes in back of your head because her flying monkeys are everywhere.


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## Freak On a Leash

:lol::lol::rofl:

I had the pleasure of seeing my husband today. If the words "I" and "Me" were taken out of the English language he'd have nothing to say. 

Wouldn't that be a pleasure?


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## needadvice_narcissist

I am currently living with a narcissist n trying to out find my way out.
felt good to read that so many r out of such a relationship.

But I am still trapped! I am with him since 4yrs. I have altered myself so much to b with him n to earn his love that i no longer know if i can find myself back again. He sets rules for his game. I sincerely to adapt to that new rule, n by the time I adapt to it, rules wil b changed altogether! n i wil b accused of being stupid, good-for-nothing woman.

I feel trapped because of the occasional intense love he shows towards me. I feel like i have an obligation towards that love n forget all the bad things. n the cycle of abuse starts all over again!


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## that_girl

you aren't trapped. Get out. There's no obligation. You need to find your self respect.


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## Sparkles422

needsadvice:

To me, the most important thing about the narcissist is that they don't love back. They only love what you give, they are unable to give back. You are living with a dream, your dream. They're chameleons, being what pleases their source of adoring supply while it lasts, and then they move on when you are sucked dry.

Put your running shoes on.


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## cloudwithleggs

Freak On a Leash said:


> Nah. I'll just outlive him.  Unfortunately he's a drunk with money and that's a very unpleasant combination and I don't want to go head to head with him in a court of law. I'd rather keep my money in my bank account then pay an attorney for a divorce. He'll spend all his money grinding me into the ground just to see me suffer. that's the kind of person he is.
> 
> He's mean, vindictive, full of self pity and yes, narcissistic. The entire world is supposed to revolve around him. It's a long, weird story and it's gotten weirder since I posted last. But the difference is that I finally have the emotional detachment I craved for 20 years and that's a BIG help.
> 
> We live pretty separate lives, but for me, it's not separate enough. He thinks we still have a marriage but after a summer of giving it a shot I've determined the opposite. Even so, he keeps calling and asking if I miss him and bothering me to hang out at his house and visit with him. So I keep coming up with creative excuses on why not to. He's the master of the guilt trip but I'm not buying a ticket for that trip anymore.
> 
> He's just intolerable to spend any amount of time with. I've had it with him and his games and problems but time is on my side so I'll just have to be patient and wait it out.


oohhh that sounds so familiar, not the drunk part because the estranged other half is an emotional eater, the rest, that and they live in their own world.


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## cloudwithleggs

Runs like Dog said:


> You mean that Colonel Kurtz level of paranoid no wire hangers drama queen I'm hitched to? Yeah. Need eyes in back of your head because her flying monkeys are everywhere.


haha that visual image was just the best. :rofl:


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