# disaster



## jki (Mar 15, 2010)

what am i supposed to do in this situation? 

i recently found out that my husband had been having an affair with a girl from school for about the past month. he FINALLY ended in a few days ago, and i thought it was over and we'd be able to work past it... i really didn't want things to end and i wanted to just work past it, so i thought this was finally our chance... he finally seemed so sincere about not wanting to lose me. 

well, the night he ended it, the crazy girl texted him and threatened to go to the cops and tell them he assaulted her. they had been sleeping together for a month, but she now claims that on the day he ended things with her, before he ended them, he had convinced her to sleep with him "even though she didn't want to" and she's calling it date rape. 

it seems really suspicious to me... she slept with him for a MONTH knowing he was married, and now that she found out he wasn't going to leave me for her, NOW he forced her? i'm confident she's just making it all up to ruin his life.

my husband is terrified of getting arrested. i believe that he didn't do anything wrong to her, but she's already told a number of people that they go to school with that he assaulted her and has now said that if he doesn't transfer schools, she'll tell the police. he's not sure what to do because it's impossible to transfer schools mid-semester, and he would have to finish this year before he can get into another school. he called a lawyer who said this sounds like extortion, but the only way he can really do anything is if he can get a recording of her admitting that this is made up... she's seriously insane though, so i don't see that happening. 

i just don't know what to do. i told my husband that i'm tired of having to deal with his problems, and that i don't know if i can stay married to him, but he says he needs me right now more than ever. i really don't want to leave him, and i think she's scared him so much that he'll never have another affair again, but i'm just not sure how i'm supposed to sit around knowing that any day, this crazy girl could have my husband arrested. 

what do you think?


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

If he is serious about ending the affair, then the marriage takes precedence over anything else right now.

Switch schools, drop out and re-attend later - do whatever it takes to end all contact with this woman.

IF she is as vindictive as she claims, then he'd do best not to tempt her. The government (police, judges, the entire machine) is NOT interested in actual truth or justice - it is interested in results and control. Right now it is politically fashionable to press date-rape charges against anyone, even without evidence. It's a prosecutor's world. I would advise not playing that game, nor tempting 'fate.'

You are more important. Working on the marriage is more important. If, after he removes himself from the school, she continues her attempts to stay in contact with him, you have a case for charging her with stalking.


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## jki (Mar 15, 2010)

we considered that, but we're afraid that he could leave school and she could STILL go to the police, so dropping out would have been for nothing... 

apparently she's also told professors and administration something, so it's only a matter of time before someone confronts him. this is awful.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

First, the reason he should get away from the school (at least while she is there) is based upon an entirely different premise: he needs to end all contact with her period in order for your marriage to survive.

While there's no guarantee she will leave him alone once he leaves school, there's a bigger chance once he is out of her hair. Its a good safe step anyway.

Second, if she has told professors/administration, etc., he has the right to document his side of the story and have it placed in college records. He should do that anyway - for legal reasons.

Also - contact a lawyer to see what can be done. How about a restraining order on her for stalking/harassment? Not an attorney here, but it would be a good idea to contact one.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

jki~

Oh I am so sorry that the Other Woman is putting you in this position. If I can, may I give you a little reassurance and a few suggestions? 

If he has ANY kind of text or email of her threatening to go to the cops and tell them he assaulted her please print it, if it's on his phone get the cell company to print it, have him put the text on his cell and you take a photo of it wit your cell...anything like that to prove that she is using this as a threat. In some way she has also communicated to him that in order to keep her from lying to the police, he has to transfer schools. So was that by email? text? What? Print it, photocopy it, do whatever to document your side (that she's threatening).

Next...speaking as a person who was trained for a year to work on a rape crisis hotline, one of the things that is hardest to tell a real rape victim is that the prosecutor may not take their case. Why? Well the day it occurred she didn't go to the hospital for a rape kit or go to the doctor for testing--she took a bath and washed away all the evidence--and she didn't take photos of any of the bruises. Other than her testimony "He did it" there is no corroborating evidence...and prosecutors want to take cases that they have a very good chance of winning. Does she have evidence that he assaulted her? Without some kind of evidence it would basically be "he said/she said" ...and if you've printed the text or email or whatever evidence that she was threatening you, then YOU would have evidence for your side and she'd have none. 

Finally, it is the very best thing you can do right now to *not in any way contact her*. If he knows her from school or a class, he can write a note to the professor that he had an emotional affair with her but that he got his head back on straight and decided to work it out with his wife and since then she's been spreading rumors and making allegations--thus he is dropping this class this semester to concentrate on repairing the marriage. He can file a statement with the registrar if he has to, stating why he is dropping that class (and if he takes a financial hit...well that's the cost of having an affair!) If she tracks you down, you'd again have evidence that SHE is stalking YOU...and if need be you can get a restraining order. Check it out--there is such a thing as a Harassment Restraining Order, and if this gets out of hand come back and I'll get you links for your state. Just to get ya started though, here's the eHow article "How to File a Harassment Restraining Order."

Thus I would advise a two-prong attack: 1) go about legally gather evidence to protect you and prove what has been happening and 2) NO CONTACT and do the work you have to do for your marriage. Keep your focus on that.


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