# Attracted to and hanging out with Ex-Wife shortly after divorce



## BP84

To sum things up as best I can, we dated, had jealousy issues, broke up, she found out she was pregnant shortly after, we got married and have sort of struggled to get on the same page ever since. She's always been more of a homebody, while I'm the social butterfly. I love talking to anyone and everyone and initially she liked this but then the jealousy crept in and strangled our relationship. Over the last few years I slowly stopped telling her about women I had spoken to because it wasn't worth the stress of the conversation after. I let her go on my work computer one day where she discovered my company chat application and read through some of my conversations with female employees. It's all innocent stuff and I've never had any desire to cheat on her but because I had never told her about these women, she viewed me as a liar and that I was cheating on her or at least trying to build intimate relationships behind her back. We tried counseling but the damage was done and she wasn't changing her mind.

Things got pretty rough for a bit in the beginning of our divorce but once she moved out, it was like a weight had been lifted off of her and we've been great ever since. We still went through with the divorce but we've been hanging out once or twice a week at her place and it's like we're best friends. We've been better than ever before, which is extremely hard because I didn't want this. I can't stop thinking about her. Last night she had touched my hand a few times and snickered about the bulge in my pants. I guess I completely misunderstood the situation, tried to kiss her and got denied...leaving for an awkward end of the night. 

Not sure where to go from here but I really want to keep being "best friends" but also really want to be intimate with her. I know she's loving our relationship now too and there are many times when she makes comments regarding her being attracted to me. How do I get past this? She's said she's not that kind of girl that just hooks up but I don't view us that way. 

Anybody ever been in this situation? I know that I can't ask her to get back together as she for sure has deeper issues with me that might take a while to truly get past but I don't understand why we can't just enjoy each other for our connection now that we've both always wanted and finally have.


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## Bananapeel

She divorced you because she didn't trust you. So the only way back to any sort of relationship with her is if she brings it up and initiates it because it was a unilateral decision on her part that she'd have to get past. But, you playing "friends" with her is going to be counterproductive because she is getting all of her non-sexual needs met from you already so there is no real drive for her to redevelop a sexual relationship with you. 

If you are looking for a plan of action you just need to be direct with her and honest with yourself. Tell her you want a romantic relationship and not just friendship and if she changes her mind then to let you know. Then you stop acting like her friend and go have your own life. Stop pursuing her and trying to nice your way back into her life...it won't work.


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## aine

BP84 said:


> To sum things up as best I can, we dated, had jealousy issues, broke up, she found out she was pregnant shortly after, we got married and have sort of struggled to get on the same page ever since. She's always been more of a homebody, while I'm the social butterfly. I love talking to anyone and everyone and initially she liked this but then the jealousy crept in and strangled our relationship. Over the last few years I slowly stopped telling her about women I had spoken to because it wasn't worth the stress of the conversation after. I let her go on my work computer one day where she discovered my company chat application and read through some of my conversations with female employees. It's all innocent stuff and I've never had any desire to cheat on her but because I had never told her about these women, she viewed me as a liar and that I was cheating on her or at least trying to build intimate relationships behind her back. We tried counseling but the damage was done and she wasn't changing her mind.
> 
> Things got pretty rough for a bit in the beginning of our divorce but once she moved out, it was like a weight had been lifted off of her and we've been great ever since. We still went through with the divorce but we've been hanging out once or twice a week at her place and it's like we're best friends. We've been better than ever before, which is extremely hard because I didn't want this. I can't stop thinking about her. Last night she had touched my hand a few times and snickered about the bulge in my pants. I guess I completely misunderstood the situation, tried to kiss her and got denied...leaving for an awkward end of the night.
> 
> Not sure where to go from here but I really want to keep being "best friends" but also really want to be intimate with her. I know she's loving our relationship now too and there are many times when she makes comments regarding her being attracted to me. How do I get past this? She's said she's not that kind of girl that just hooks up but I don't view us that way.
> 
> Anybody ever been in this situation? I know that I can't ask her to get back together as she for sure has deeper issues with me that might take a while to truly get past but I don't understand why we can't just enjoy each other for our connection now that we've both always wanted and finally have.


In the long run she will lose respect for you and move on to someone else, she is now using you to meet her needs (affection, conversation) without having to meet yours (i.e for sex). She doesn't have to worry about trust, the big issue in your marriage, so she has the best of the deal. You need to remove yourself and start taking back control. Stop meeting up with her when it suits her, start living your life without her. Meet others, go on dates, etc.


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## Rowan

You two are divorced because of a major incompatibility issue. It's unlikely she will ever truly be cool with you having opposite sex friends. It's unlikely you will ever truly be cool with giving up all of your opposite sex friends. You two are incompatible. That doesn't mean you aren't still attracted to one another. It just means that you two aren't going to be able to have a happy, lasting, long-term relationship.

Next time, make sure you and the woman you want to have a long-term relationship with are compatible on all the major issues - including the issue of opposite sex friends - _before_ you get serious. Love and attraction aren't enough to sustain a relationship, especially not in the face of basic compatibility problems.


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## Evinrude58

You have been friend-zoned which is worse than if she hated you as far as likelihood of having a romantic relationship with her.

Go dark. Move on. If you truly weren't cheating on her, she'd have worked it out with you if you were really that important to her.


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## 3Xnocharm

You need to cut this crap off NOW, or you will never be able to move on. And you will be heartbroken all over again when SHE moves on with someone new.


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## Whatsright86

BP84 said:


> Not sure where to go from here but I really want to keep being "best friends" but also really want to be intimate with her. I know she's loving our relationship now too and there are many times when she makes comments regarding her being attracted to me. How do I get past this? She's said she's not that kind of girl that just hooks up but I don't view us that way.


A woman doesn't get intimate with her best friends, just basing it off my experience as a man. When a woman tells you "you're such a good friend", you're probably banished to the friendzone beyond rescuing.


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## Spicy

I for one think it is sweet. A chance at reconciliation, and to reunite two parents back into their child's life. Maybe she has matured some, and now realizes there was no basis for her jealousy and is starting to fall back in love.

Continue to enjoy your time together, and see where it goes!


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## arbitrator

Spicy said:


> I for one think it is sweet. A chance at reconciliation, and to reunite two parents back into their child's life. Maybe she has matured some, and now realizes there was no basis for her jealousy and is starting to fall back in love.
> 
> Continue to enjoy your time together, and see where it goes!


*I think this is noble, provided that a real chance at reconciliation is truly in the cards!

But don't be fooled into thinking so, more especially if she's largely stringing you along without any emotional release!

Has it ever occurred to you that she's merely using you until her Plan A comes along?

If reconciliation is at the forefront, you two need to have an emotional clearing of the air, preferably before a counselor, to uncover her true intentions!!*


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## Rick Blaine

Something is missing in this story.


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## SunCMars

This is a way for her to control you. 
To monitor you.
She keeps coming around because she is monitoring you.

She saw the bulge.
She saw the love in your' eyes.

She knows if she totally pulls out of your' life she will lose you.
Yes, she does not want to lose you.
She is codependent on you. 

To her, you are now safe...as long as you two are not intimate. She wants to be intimate....oh, does she. I can sense it.

And, of course, she is punishing you. 
She is displaying her wares. Flashing a smile, a sexy coy look. puffing up her boobs, sashaying in front of you.
She is silently saying to you, "This is what you lost". When you flirted with other women.

I am going to go out on a limb. 
I would tell her that you want her back. 
Tell her that you will not go out with other women. But she has to make the same promise.
If she scoffs and balks.....go dark on her. If you bump into her be cordial, but cool.

Do not let her know what you have been up to...or have NOT been up to. Be mysterious.

I do not see this as 'friend o-zoning' you as my pal @Evinrude58 suggested.


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## RandomDude

Spicy said:


> I for one think it is sweet. A chance at reconciliation, and to reunite two parents back into their child's life. Maybe she has matured some, and now realizes there was no basis for her jealousy and is starting to fall back in love.
> 
> Continue to enjoy your time together, and see where it goes!


For reconciliation to occur there needs to be first a compromise, followed by new ground rules, new dynamics. None of which is happening here, sad to say. Just flirting and teasing, and OP being charmed and stringed along. Almost have to admire the ex-wife.


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## SunCMars

Spicy said:


> I for one think it is sweet. A chance at reconciliation, and to reunite two parents back into their child's life. Maybe she has matured some, and now realizes there was no basis for her jealousy and is starting to fall back in love.
> 
> Continue to enjoy your time together, and see where it goes!


Ah, you Spicy thing.

Ever, the romantic!
@BP84 and I hope you are right. And you could be.

I am posting here to keep the post in the 'Q'.
Out of the dust 'Bin'.
The circular file that @EleGirl keeps stuffed.......... with my rantings.
She needs a bigger can...this ghost ain't dead yet.

I am waiting for the Trill.
My birth name uttered by Nemesis.

Ele's can will burst in flames.


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## Evinrude58

I normally think Spicy has some super good, well-thought-out posts. I wish she was right. I wish you were both right Spicy and SCM.

Sadly, she DIVORCED the guy. She knows damn well she is torturing this poor bastard by being "friends" with him but totally turning him down for sex, etc.

He has ZERO chance of reconciling with her at this time. He needs to totally move on. She is playing with him like a cat with a wounded mouse, until she tires of it and lands a new dude she's romantically involved in.

I do like the idea of telling her he wants her back and see what she says. Thing is, I know what she'll say. NOPE.

When she does, I hope the OP has the inner strength to move ON. He's getting used.


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## Spicy

Evinrude58 said:


> I normally think Spicy has some super good, well-thought-out posts. I wish she was right. I wish you were both right Spicy and SCM.
> 
> Sadly, she DIVORCED the guy. She knows damn well she is torturing this poor bastard by being "friends" with him but totally turning him down for sex, etc.
> 
> He has ZERO chance of reconciling with her at this time. He needs to totally move on. She is playing with him like a cat with a wounded mouse, until she tires of it and lands a new dude she's romantically involved in.
> 
> I do like the idea of telling her he wants her back and see what she says. Thing is, I know what she'll say. NOPE.
> 
> When she does, I hope the OP has the inner strength to move ON. He's getting used.


Yeah, I’m probably wrong, but as my buddy @SunCMars knows, I am a romantic at heart and a hopeful for reuniting families when it is possible. 

I just want to say that all the time here on TAM we encourage unhappily married posters to file, almost as a wake up to their spouses. Some people do this, and go all the way to teach that lesson. I have known a few personally that divorced and remarried each other, one being my aunt who I was very close too. 

When I had gotten old enough I asked her about what had happened. She said my uncle had cheated, ONS. She knew she could forgive him, but she was gonna make sure he leanred the lesson loud and clear. He did. He was forced to court her and the whole nine yards again. The eventually remarried, not resuming sex until that point. They lived the rest of their days happily married and even had a third child.

Just a little food for thought...it’s not likely, but it does happen occasionally. All this being said, your advice on this thread I am sure will end up being more useful that mine!


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## SunCMars

@BP84

Come out, come out....where ever you are!!


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