# My husband choses work over his family.



## Nmrh2013 (Oct 18, 2020)

Hi, so my husband is a fisherman. We have been together 13 years. Three kids together. 7-5-10 months. Last year he has started his own company. Things took a dramatic change. He stopped helping with anything, it was a fight about coming to the hospital to see his daughter be born, i had post partum, he didnt care. He would laugh and say i was making it up. He spent everyday he wasnt at work doing other things not home. Ive took on full responsbility for the house and kids. Everything he does he does for work. He will be gone fishing 10-11 days at a time and come home and still be absent. Ive expressed how I feel, and it just gets him angry. I fincially help out also while still looking after every need for the kids, and our home. Ive grew resentful because he does not take time for anyone, hes not responible for anyone or anything. All gifts are bought by me, he doesnt give me anything for holidays even from our kids. He was never like this but this past year has completely changed him. My kids always ask why he isnt here or why he doesnt do this and it breaks my heart. Im at the point where I think divorce is better if im constantly alone and doing everything on my own as it is.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

If your husband changed this much, for seemingly no reason, then something is going on. It sounds like he could be really depressed or have something else going on. It would be a good idea for him to speak to a doctor.

Alternatively, he could be totally checked out of the marriage. Why though? Did something happen before he changed? Could he be having an affair? Anyone can cheat and he's gone for long periods of time. Any females work for him?


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## Nmrh2013 (Oct 18, 2020)

He checked out of the marriage because like i said he went and started a company. That became his first priority. He wants to make something of himself and doesnt care about anyone else at this time. We are finically stable, so the only thing i can see now is his true colors showing how greedy is.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

How are you financially stable? Are you stable if his business fails? Is he the primary earner?


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## Nmrh2013 (Oct 18, 2020)

Because i work also, he doesnt bring home money from his business so no ever since he got his own company he isnt the primary earner anymore.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

OP, if your husband read your post, how do you think he would defend himself?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I bet besides starting a company he also started an affair. Either way, what's the point of being married to him if he's not helping out? Are you dependent on him for money or has he spent all that on his dream?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Nmrh2013 said:


> Because i work also, he doesnt bring home money from his business so no ever since he got his own company he isnt the primary earner anymore.


So he's "working" 10-11 days at a time but isn't bringing home _any _money? Something smells fishy, and it ain't the fish 🐟.


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## Nmrh2013 (Oct 18, 2020)

bobert said:


> So he's "working" 10-11 days at a time but isn't bringing home _any _money? Something smells fishy, and it ain't the fish 🐟.


Oh he brings it to his company and im not allowed to have a say in it. Thats where it stays and its a fight if i ask him to buy groceries for his kids


DownByTheRiver said:


> I bet besides starting a company he also started an affair. Either way, what's the point of being married to him if he's not helping out? Are you dependent on him for money or has he spent all that on his dream?


no he never spent no money on the "dream" its a loan. He pays on it every 6 months. And the payment is no more than what a 9-5 store clerk would make in a year. No im not fincially depend on him like i said i pay for 95% of our bills, and 100% needs for the kids. I dont know why i stay, i seen the person he was before all this and i hope he would start realizing he has a family at home.


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## Nmrh2013 (Oct 18, 2020)

OnTheFly said:


> OP, if your husband read your post, how do you think he would defend himself?


I know how he defends himself ive had this fight more times than i speak. Hes got his dream job and i should be happy for him. Hes already done the family thing he already had that time with his kids, hes just trying to make a living(but keeps money in company and doesnt actually pay for anything) so thats an excuse. He has more important responsibilities now Than his family.


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

Surely you had a talk before he started the company regarding the long hours and the money. The early years of start ups money is always reinvested. Rule of thumb, you should have a years salary in the bank.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

His poor kids must feel totally abandoned. It's not a good message to them. and if you have a daughter she's learning that you put up with it.

If it's causing you aggravation I believe I'd get out from under it. he's not going to ever be the person he was when you first met again because he was still trying to impress you then.

Now he's not even trying to do anything to keep you or the kids.

I bet his only fear is that he would get half of his business if you divorced.


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## Nmrh2013 (Oct 18, 2020)

Lol surely we did not, he did this without my opinion. And he is a fisherman, this isnt a "business" its just a company where he sells lobsters or fish. It was the job he had before and as long as ive known him the only different now is he works for himself. The job is seasonal. So it isnt a 14 hour work day at an office. Its you go fish for 10-14 days and come home for 6-7 days but theres no coming home. He isnt around for anybody.


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## Nmrh2013 (Oct 18, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> His poor kids must feel totally abandoned. It's not a good message to them. and if you have a daughter she's learning that you put up with it.
> 
> If it's causing you aggravation I believe I'd get out from under it. he's not going to ever be the person he was when you first met again because he was still trying to impress you then.
> 
> ...


I have two daughters, a 5 year old and a baby. My son is 7. They have expressed to him also but he just hits them back with thats just what you hear mom say, and daddy has to work. Like i stated before this is the same occupation he has always has only difference is he works for himself now. He can decide to be there or not. He tells me them daddy will do this and do that and he never falls through with his promises then tells me i will be home when im home and thats when ill have my time. But he never has his time. His time is always doing something else. I would call myself a single married woman. I have barely any family that is around so i am raising them just like a single parent would. On my own. He doesnt even know what food they like.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He has his dream job. He’s obsessively trying to make it work.
People do the same thing with other things: banking, construction, mining, etc. His happens to be fishing.

something I’d like you to understand: he is BLIND to how you are feeling. He probably even thinks you are the jerk for not supporting him at acheiving his dream. It is likely he will be devastated when you finally click the off switch and divorce him. He’ll try to change for a while, but a fisherman he is, and a fisherman he will stay.

Before you totally fall out of love with him and he CAN’T fix it, you need to go nuclear and blow things up so that he will hopefully have his eyes opened and have a chance to fix things.

it’s possible after he gets his business going, he will go back to being a decent husband and father.

I suggest you go ahead and blow up the works on him and force a change before you fall out of love with him.

He loves to fish. That’s not a bad thing. He’s forgotten his family. That is. Remind him. Whatever it takes.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Is he a trawlerman? That's a hellishly tough job, but other men manage to do this job without abandoning their family. 

There's something wrong with the picture he is showing you. Does he have a second family or another love interest at the very least?

You need to investigate him.


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## Nmrh2013 (Oct 18, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> He has his dream job. He’s obsessively trying to make it work.
> People do the same thing with other things: banking, construction, mining, etc. His happens to be fishing.
> 
> something I’d like you to understand: he is BLIND to how you are feeling. He probably even thinks you are the jerk for not supporting him at acheiving his dream. It is likely he will be devastated when you finally click the off switch and divorce him. He’ll try to change for a while, but a fisherman he is, and a fisherman he will stay.
> ...


Ive tried everything, and anything can think of to get through to him. He has worked this job his whole life, just now he is the boss. He worked someone else prior doing the same thing, making more money and was around 100% more. Im am supportive like i said i took on the role of being mom and dad, the fixer around the house, putting wood away, mowing grass, any maintenance that needs to be done, doing all this still with two kids and a baby, all while going out of my way to make sure he has everything he has. Its not only affecting me its affecting my kids also. I literally had to fight with this man to go to the hospital in december to see his daughter be born. He took a different vehicle then me because he planned on going to work after she born, as in he took nothing to stay and i had nobody there to drive me home i had to drive myself.


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## Nmrh2013 (Oct 18, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> Is he a trawlerman? That's a hellishly tough job, but other men manage to do this job without abandoning their family.
> 
> There's something wrong with the picture he is showing you. Does he have a second family or another love interest at the very least?
> 
> You need to investigate him.


Hes a captain, so the crew does it. Its lobster fishing and then halibut fishing in the summer. He worked the same job for the 13 years ive been with him, with no problems! He just worked for someone else but was around much more.
Now hes the boss and he is around less and i am basically on my own to run a home and family and he calls his company his savings and that he doesnt need to bring money home for income tax purposes so bringing home 15,000$ a year is suitable for him when i bring home more than that to make the bills and house oayments and car payments on top of everything our kids needs.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Nmrh2013 said:


> I have two daughters, a 5 year old and a baby. My son is 7. They have expressed to him also but he just hits them back with thats just what you hear mom say, and daddy has to work. Like i stated before this is the same occupation he has always has only difference is he works for himself now. He can decide to be there or not. He tells me them daddy will do this and do that and he never falls through with his promises then tells me i will be home when im home and thats when ill have my time. But he never has his time. His time is always doing something else. I would call myself a single married woman. I have barely any family that is around so i am raising them just like a single parent would. On my own. He doesnt even know what food they like.


That's just sad. With that many kids you definitely need an involved father. Is his a commercial fishing business where he's out on a big boat and selling what he brings in? Or is this a glorified hobby?


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## Nmrh2013 (Oct 18, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> That's just sad. With that many kids you definitely need an involved father. Is his a commercial fishing business where he's out on a big boat and selling what he brings in? Or is this a glorified hobby?


He sells his catch to a buyer when he gets in, but like I said before it doesnt matter because he keeps it all in his company and rather not bring home a paycheck. Im
Not hating the fact he works, hes worked hard the whole 13 years ive been with him but now that he works for himself, and makes less and can chose when he is around and not around, he isnt forced to go fish on certain days or do anything its all up to him, he would much rather be gone fishing than be home!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It definitely sounds like he's choosing his job over his family and it's just an excusable that he isn't at least bringing home a paycheck. and really that's why I think he probably has a whole separate life and is having an affair. I bet his only fear is that you would divorce him and get half the business. Are you working full-time to support your family? I don't see how. You must have some relatives nearby or some support to have gotten this far. 

I'm afraid I would have already put a private investigator on his tail to see if work is all that is going on because it would make it easier for you to let go and move on if it's not. But I have to believe that there's some way to make him contribute financially legally


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## Nmrh2013 (Oct 18, 2020)

Im on maternity leave right now. But i work seasonal prior to. I have no support or anybody just myself. I have savings, and i am finically ok by myself with or without him. I pay for his cell phone even. His seperate life is work and thats all that matters to him
Is how other people see him as a worker and he wants to make a name for himself that hes sucessful.'i have full access to phone records as the phone is in my name and i pay for it, we have the same bank account so what is there he spends my money on cigerattes 800$ a month, i full access to his company sense i do the paperwork for it so i dont think an affair is it but I do feel he is selfish and only cares about his job and not anybody else anymore. Greed has got the best of him.


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## Nmrh2013 (Oct 18, 2020)

Nmrh2013 said:


> Im on maternity leave right now. But i work seasonal prior to. I have no support or anybody just myself. I have savings, and i am finically ok by myself with or without him. I pay for his cell phone even. His seperate life is work and thats all that matters to him
> Is how other people see him as a worker and he wants to make a name for himself that hes sucessful.'i have full access to phone records as the phone is in my name and i pay for it, we have the same bank account so what is there he spends my money on cigerattes 800$ a month, i full access to his company sense i do the paperwork for it so i dont think an affair is it but I do feel he is selfish and only cares about his job and not anybody else anymore. Greed has got the best of him. He literally goes to work and does everything he can for work then whenever he does show up home way past everyone is too sleep he sleeps through the night regardless how many times the kids are up and leaves before anyone is up in the morning. Doesnt show home to eat suppers with his family, doesnt show interest in spending time with his kids, he will tell them hes busy or be on his phone. I have to go places with him that involve work if i even want to spend 5 mintues with him as due the kids we have to do what he does if we want to see him.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Of course anyone could have a second phone that you didn't know about and releasing an apartment for that matter or living with someone. Either way, he's just costing you money at this point.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

If you have talked to him and he has ignored your wishes to put family first, what are you waiting for? If he's choosing other things over you and the children, then he has made up his mind. His priorities are clear.

I would not stay with someone who doesn't value family time. 

He knows what he wants. You need to choose if you can live with him the way he is or not.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

pastasauce79 said:


> I would not stay with someone who doesn't value family time.


I'm in total 100% agreement with this. Why stay and be angry about the situation? He's made it very clear that his family is a distant second to his beloved job. I'd be making plans to get my ducks in a row and leave him. Frankly, he sounds like a crappy excuse for a husband and a father.


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## Nmrh2013 (Oct 18, 2020)

pastasauce79 said:


> If you have talked to him and he has ignored your wishes to put family first, what are you waiting for? If he's choosing other things over you and the children, then he has made up his mind. His priorities are clear.
> 
> I would not stay with someone who doesn't value family time.
> 
> He knows what he wants. You need to choose if you can live with him the way he is or not.


You are completely right.... im just trying to wrap my heart around what my head knows. My kids deserve better and their mother deserves better. I should not have to raise them on my own but be married and miserable. You can only talk so much and when the other person refuses to acknowledge what hes doing and blames
Me its time for me to step up and let myself be happy that appreciates me.


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## Nmrh2013 (Oct 18, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> I'm in total 100% agreement with this. Why stay and be angry about the situation? He's made it very clear that his family is a distant second to his beloved job. I'd be making plans to get my ducks in a row and leave him. Frankly, he sounds like a crappy excuse for a husband and a father.


I agree! I need to get my heart in the same place my head is. Its a crappy situation when people change and your kids and you only matter when its convenient for them. He wants to live comfy while everyone else lives miserable. My kids deserve better and so do I. The situation is very hurting to our kids and myself escpecially when he throws in that no other woman cares if their husband is around or not and doesnt cry that their working too much or that every other man works and thats his life. He said his home is meant for a nice warm meal to come home to and a place to sleep. It sucks realizing who you married.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Nmrh2013 said:


> ... he throws in that no other woman cares if their husband is around or not and doesnt cry that their working too much or that every other man works...


So your absentee husband is also a know-it-all as to what all other women on the planet can tolerate. Look, your husband is doing harm to your children. They are picking up that he doesn't care about their welfare. Get angry enough to get out of this situation. Because, from where I'm sitting, you need to just will yourself to do what needs to be done. There's nothing about this man worthy of your love. He's basically abandoned his family, so remove your heart from the equation.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He can be Captain of his ship, but he needs to be the Captain of his family, first.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Nmrh2013 said:


> we have the same bank account so what is there he spends my money on cigerattes 800$ a month


What? Did I read this right? $800.00 a month on cigarettes? For some people, that's almost a mortgage payment. You need to at least have him pay for those himself. That's ridiculous.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Nmrh2013 said:


> I know how he defends himself ive had this fight more times than i speak. Hes got his dream job and i should be happy for him. Hes already done the family thing he already had that time with his kids, hes just trying to make a living(but keeps money in company and doesnt actually pay for anything) so thats an excuse. He has more important responsibilities now Than his family.


i think he has another woman, men may abandon their wives but not their kids unless another woman is involved. investigate first, don’t let him know. Stop paying his bills immediately, if he can smoke he can pay his bills. Don’t do anything for him. Do you still have sex with him? Stop! Then see a lawyer,have the check the value of his company and d ivorce him


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

Maybe he could take the oldest with him to work on a Saturday or Sunday. I'm not saying ignoring his family is ok by any stretch but what do you really want him to do? Go back to being an employee? Business ownership is difficult and especially now. Wanting to be successful is not a bad thing.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Nmrh2013 said:


> I would call myself a single married woman. I have barely any family that is around so i am raising them just like a single parent would. On my own. He doesnt even know what food they like.


He brings absolutely NOTHING to the table.

*NOTHING*.

You support the family while he does God knows what and he can't even be bothered to be an active parent to his own kids. You're expected to do it all - plus support the family - while this assclown supports a business that doesn't seem to be very successful.

So why do you stay and support this buffoon and work your ass to the bone? You're nothing more than a hotel to him - a hotel, a daycare, a cook, a laundress, the maid, the housekeeper, and the paycheck that allows him to act like ass-hole.

He's* worthless*.

Why on earth would you stay with this man?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

aine said:


> i think he has another woman, men may abandon their wives but not their kids unless another woman is involved. investigate first, don’t let him know. Stop paying his bills immediately, if he can smoke he can pay his bills. Don’t do anything for him. Do you still have sex with him? Stop! Then see a lawyer,have the check the value of his company and d ivorce him


yes, he has another woman. But his wife knows her name.

what’s his boat’s name? Yeah, that’s her.

he’s not cheating, he’s fishing.

I would almost bet he’s taking his wife for granted, and yes, he’s a sucky husband. My vote is to give him the traumatic event required for change....... leave him and don’t give in until the changes are made and leave again when he back slides.

the man has placed his love of fishing ahead of his wife and kids. It’s a foem of cheating for sure. I’m a fisherman. Not professional, but I’ve been guilty of placing my own desires as a priority rather than my wife and kids. 
nuke him before he has no chance because your feelings are gone.


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