# Hard to get things started again after a drought



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

So it's been a month, again. It seems like after a few weeks that "disconnect" sets in and it's difficult for me to get myself in a frame of mind to initiate anything with her. I'm not really sure why, either. I've been trying to figure it out myself and if i had to make a pie chart it would probably look like 40% apprehensiveness, 20% not giving enough of a crap, 10% resentment, and the remaining 30%--i don't know what...resignation maybe? 

After all the effort made on my part, and finally getting her on some medication for her thyroid, I don't want to flush it all at this point, but it's like I'm having some kind of mental block that keeps me from initiating anything (I know I can't depend on her to initiate anything--it's either me do it or nothing). I'm probably just being a chickensh*t and need to nut up, but every time I try to do something she looks so completely wrapped up in everything besides me it's like "christ, why bother?" Defeated before I begin.

Tips on getting through this block? Am I just a puss-cake?

Edit: just realized 20% not giving a crap and 10% resentment are probably the same thing. Guess I can consolidate my pie chart to 30% resentment.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> So it's been a month, again. It seems like after a few weeks that "disconnect" sets in and it's difficult for me to get myself in a frame of mind to initiate anything with her. I'm not really sure why, either. I've been trying to figure it out myself and if i had to make a pie chart it would probably look like 40% apprehensiveness, 20% not giving enough of a crap, 10% resentment, and the remaining 30%--i don't know what...resignation maybe?
> 
> After all the effort made on my part, and finally getting her on some medication for her thyroid, I don't want to flush it all at this point, but it's like I'm having some kind of mental block that keeps me from initiating anything (I know I can't depend on her to initiate anything--it's either me do it or nothing). I'm probably just being a chickensh*t and need to nut up, but every time I try to do something she looks so completely wrapped up in everything besides me it's like "christ, why bother?" Defeated before I begin.
> 
> ...


You're not a puss cake. This sh!t is not for the faint of heart, that's for sure.

I do think you're talking yourself out of it. You might have a reason to (constant rejection), but if she doesn't have her desire already going, she's going to be happy to stay wrapped up in whatever she's doing while you silently stew. You are training her to keep not thinking about sex. 

Not that I have any advice on how to make yourself want to do it, but I think you should just take a calender and mark "Initiate sex" on it every two or three days. Don't give yourself a choice, don't even pay attention to what she is doing. Pick a day, pick a time, and go hit her up. 

Resentment blows. IC was a huge help for me. Have you tried it?

My husband has said all the things you are saying about our bad sex years. I often remember lying next to him wishing he'd initiate, but being unable to do it myself for fear of rejection. It was just such a sore spot in our marriage. Both of us on our islands . . . 

Good luck Fozzy. Try to hang in there until you can see if getting her thyroid back on track makes a difference. In the meantime, do you read the MMSL forum? My husband said he wishes he would have know about it years ago; that it might have at least given him some framework for what to do with himself when he was out of ideas and losing hope.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I hear you Fozzy. My wife got the go ahead just before Christmas and while it's been once a week since then she just doesn't seem that into it, she's dry and I have it in my head that hysterectomy means the end of the sex life. Plus the longer I go without (or go with little, as 1x a week feels like) the less desire I have for her. The less I'm interested in her. She's just kind of starting to turn me off. I think my pie chart is about 60% just not interested. The whole thing just feels like depression.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I hear you Fozzy. My wife got the go ahead just before Christmas and while it's been once a week since then she just doesn't seem that into it, she's dry and I have it in my head that hysterectomy means the end of the sex life. Plus the longer I go without (or go with little, as 1x a week feels like) the less desire I have for her. The less I'm interested in her. She's just kind of starting to turn me off. I think my pie chart is about 60% just not interested. The whole thing just feels like depression.


This sounds very familiar. I'm actually scared that she's starting to rub off on me. I don't want that.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I know what you are talking about. Instead of initiating sex you could try something during the day - sexual - but not for right then. Like a hug from behind or kiss her neck or run your fingers down her side. Also I've had luck with DH jumpstarting things by saying - I had a very good dream about you last night - and just leaving it at that. 

I'm sorry things haven't improved for you right away with her on meds though.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

She's only 3 weeks in on the meds, so I wouldn't even expect that to have had an effect really yet. Regardless, this is an issue several years in the making. Just getting hormones in check isn't going to fix it all magically. We're going to each have to unravel a lot of learned behavior first.


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## LadyDee (Oct 1, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I hear you Fozzy. My wife got the go ahead just before Christmas and while it's been once a week since then she just doesn't seem that into it, she's dry and I have it in my head that hysterectomy means the end of the sex life. Plus the longer I go without (or go with little, as 1x a week feels like) the less desire I have for her. The less I'm interested in her. She's just kind of starting to turn me off. I think my pie chart is about 60% just not interested. The whole thing just feels like depression.


 Hysterectomy shouldn't be the end but the beginning of a new freedom in your sex life. Did she have a full or partial? 

One thing she must do now, is make sure she has her hormone levels checked and do whatever she needs to tweek that if need be with BHRT. If she is dry that tells me so is already out of sink. With the right help/products, you both should have a very enjoyable sex life!!


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## LadyDee (Oct 1, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> She's only 3 weeks in on the meds, so I wouldn't even expect that to have had an effect really yet. Regardless, this is an issue several years in the making. Just getting hormones in check isn't going to fix it all magically. We're going to each have to unravel a lot of learned behavior first.



Is she just on meds for her thyroid, or did she have her hormones checked and put on BHRT also?

I can tell you from experience, that the thyroids meds alone did not take care of the other hormone levels, but once I got them all optimal, progesterone, estrogen, testosterone, is when my drive/libido came back and I started to feel *good* again.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Ok...both Fozzy and WorkingOnMe neither thyroid or hysterectomy are a death sentence to your sex life! You are going to have to be patient and work with the doctors to get your wives hormones adjusted correctly but they can be just as horney as ever once their meds are regulated. Ihave had my thyroid removed due to a tumor and a hysterectom, it took 18 months to get the thyroid levels right but once they did Katie bar the door hubby didn't know what hit him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

mineforever said:


> Ok...both Fozzy and WorkingOnMe neither thyroid or hysterectomy are a death sentence to your sex life! You are going to have to be patient and work with the doctors to get your wives hormones adjusted correctly but they can be just as horney as ever once their meds are regulated. Ihave had my thyroid removed due to a tumor and a hysterectom, it took 18 months to get the thyroid levels right but once they did Katie bar the door hubby didn't know what hit him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That may all be true, but what I'm saying and what I think Fozzy is saying is that it's been so bad for so long that we just don't really care that much anymore. If she magically started jumping my bones every night right now, it would take a long time before I was truly on board. I'm certainly not going to tell her to get her levels checked again....at this point I'm just kind of done with the whole thing. I'm tired of trying. There's a reason I'm sitting at the office typing on TAM at 7PM rather than going home....


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

This thread makes me want to take some wives out for a chat.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I know what you guys mean. During this past month I could feel myself putting up a wall and I didn't even care that I was doing it. When you reach the point of apathy - I'm just not sure what comes after. Likely just more apathy and then roommates or divorce.

Things are on an upswing again with me but it came after a huge argument and tears. It's so hard to keep trying sometimes.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> That may all be true, but what I'm saying and what I think Fozzy is saying is that it's been so bad for so long that we just don't really care that much anymore. If she magically started jumping my bones every night right now, it would take a long time before I was truly on board. I'm certainly not going to tell her to get her levels checked again....at this point I'm just kind of done with the whole thing. I'm tired of trying. There's a reason I'm sitting at the office typing on TAM at 7PM rather than going home....


It's not that I don't care.....yet.

I will say that it's been a long long slog and i'm running out of steam. I don't want it to get to the point where resentment and resignation outweigh my feelings for her.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

GettingIt said:


> This thread makes me want to take some wives out for a chat.


Or persuade some TAM men to have their wives at least peruse this site! I'm convinced I am a 1000% better wife just from what I've learned on reading men's posts in TAM, particularly in SIM.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I've offered her my login info so she can read every word I've written.

"Nah."


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

Fozzy said:


> I've offered her my login info so she can read every word I've written.
> 
> "Nah."


  Sorry to hear that, Fozzy...likely afraid of what she'll find, I'm guessing. But that's no excuse.


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## Big Dude (Feb 24, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> It's not that I don't care.....yet.
> 
> I will say that it's been a long long slog and i'm running out of steam. I don't want it to get to the point where resentment and resignation outweigh my feelings for her.


You are right to be concerned about this. In my case, it takes disturbing mental gymnastics just to get it up for my wife when SHE initiates.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> This thread makes me want to take some wives out for a chat.


You may need to rent a function hall for that!

I am in the same boat, we haven't had sex in three months. I need to have yet another talk with her but am having trouble getting to it. I just doesn't seem to be worth the effort anymore to have to keep dragging someone back into their marriage.

We had sex a total of nine times in 2013 all of it quickies and not very emotionally rewarding.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

I know how that goes. I have never went a month.

But even after a few days for me, I start drifting apart.

You start wondering why bother, and the resentment crawls in.

Everyday it gets harder and harder. 

I usually get so bad I don't want to have sex at all and I fight against it.

But after we eventually do have sex I feel instantly, so much better.

It's an odd thing, but I totally get it.

Sometimes you just have to force yourself to do it. I find I always enjoy it afterwards.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

WorkingOnMe said:


> That may all be true, but what I'm saying and what I think Fozzy is saying is that it's been so bad for so long that we just don't really care that much anymore. If she magically started jumping my bones every night right now, it would take a long time before I was truly on board. I'm certainly not going to tell her to get her levels checked again....at this point I'm just kind of done with the whole thing. I'm tired of trying. There's a reason I'm sitting at the office typing on TAM at 7PM rather than going home....


Just a post to offer my support and empathy. I'm right here with you. My take on it is if my wife doesn't care about the state of our marriage and if she can't see that her physical health is negatively contributing to it, and even if she does she doesn't care enough to get help, what am I supposed to do. She isn't a helpless child, she's an adult. My interest in being intimate with her is now zero. I too stay at the office late, go in early. I don't want to be around her anymore then I have to be. So very sad


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I can empathize with what the OP is saying. It does rub off on you after awhile. 

I have no grand advice to offer. Lately, the bedroom life has seen an uptick, 5 times in 2 months. However, I still finding myself not being all that motivated to initiate. Rejection and indifference wear on you. My only suggestion would be to abstain from self pleasure and see if the urge becomes great enough to motivate you.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Fozzy, what have you done in the past to connect with your wife? Would some time away on a long weekend, or vacation be helpful? Do you two have something silly that you do together than makes you laugh together? Do you connect during a joint project, like painting the bathroom or cooking dinner?

I feel it does wonders to reconnect _mentally _as a couple before jumping to physically. Especially since you are feeling resentful and distant at this point. Sex, and wanting sex, is mental as much as physical.

Also, be patient. 3 weeks of thyroid meds isn't going to miraculously change everything, as you said. Don't give up now that you're at least on a better path.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

Same story here. It no longer seems to be worth the effort. She is completely aware of how great we are together when we are intimate. It can be very loving and supportive. She also knows when that closeness is slipping away...bring on the waves of sh*t tests.

I have spent several years scheduling romantic getaways and creating "couple" opportunities for us. All so I can get a weekly spurt and she can tick a box until the next quickie. The getaways I am planning now are with my buddies.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

norajane said:


> Fozzy, what have you done in the past to connect with your wife? Would some time away on a long weekend, or vacation be helpful? Do you two have something silly that you do together than makes you laugh together? Do you connect during a joint project, like painting the bathroom or cooking dinner?
> 
> I feel it does wonders to reconnect _mentally _as a couple before jumping to physically. Especially since you are feeling resentful and distant at this point. Sex, and wanting sex, is mental as much as physical.
> 
> Also, be patient. 3 weeks of thyroid meds isn't going to miraculously change everything, as you said. Don't give up now that you're at least on a better path.


We have been trying to take some time together lately on weekends. In reality, we probably only make it happen once or twice a month to get away from the kids, but it's been good. My ground rule for that up front was absolutely no shopping for anything we need. We've attempted the whole "lets go spend time together" thing several times in years past, and we invariably end up at Target buying kitchen cleansers. Fun. The hardest part has been trying to keep a cheerful front. Angry Fozzy doesn't put her in a mood to be intimate, so keeping it under wraps is sometimes challenging when I'm not really feeling very loving myself.


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## 1812overture (Nov 25, 2013)

tyler1978 said:


> Rejection and indifference wear on you.


They sure do. My wife set up date night on Saturday, and nothing happened. I didn't time it right to see if she was wearing pajamas or nothing to bed, but she didn't initiate, and I couldn't bear to start things up only to get shot down again.

I'm in a better frame of mind today than I would be/have been if I got rejected. 

I didn't really even get my hopes up during the weekend. I'm surprised at how painful it is to know that she's not interested, as opposed to simply assuming she's not interested. And assuming she's not interested sucks. But the proof (when rejection comes) is searing.


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