# Dealing with husbands EA



## mom_of_3 (Jan 24, 2012)

I have been married to my H for 12 years, and we have 3 children ages 10, 6, and 3. My husband met a woman who lives in Lebanon playing a game on Facebook. They have been involved in an EA for the last 4 months. I found out about her close to 2 months ago and since then things have been going progressively downhill. My H moved out the night I found out, and has no intentions of moving back until he "fixes himself". He is currently going through IC and we have been to 1 session of MC and will be continuing weekly until he figures out what he needs to "make himself happy". He has currently stopped talking to her for the past 2 weeks, however he will not say he is done talking to her for good, or that he is committed to saving our marriage. He has told me he does not love me, is not attracted to me, and there is no physical touching of any kind from him. I wish I could understand how a man, and a really good man at that could throw away his family for someone he really doesn't even know. I am hanging on thinking he will come to his senses, but maybe I am wrong about that. The one thing I know for sure is that there is 3 kids who are going to pay dearly because of this. I guess I am just looking for any kind of support or advice. Thank you for taking the time to read this.


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry you are going through this.....

It sounds like your husband is in the "affair fog". An affair is like an addiction and your husband is deep in it. He will need an intervention. There are steps you must take if you want to save your marriage. It is important that you listen to all the sound advice and follow what everyone tells you here to a T. They know because they have been through it. 
Also try marriage builders website. Please stay strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyLady (Jan 24, 2012)

It doesn't seem like he is remorseful at all. He seems as if he is entitled to have an attitude. I feel sorry for what you are going through and I can sympathize with you. My husband had an emotional affair too. I don't have any kids but I can only imagine how much that complicates things. You have to think of them and their feelings as well as yours. May I ask how your marriage was before you found out about the OW? Did you think things were going well in your marriage? Did you see any red flags?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mom_of_3 (Jan 24, 2012)

Things were very routine, he has a job that requires long hours, and I have all the kids/house/etc. responsibilities. Neither of us made our marriage a priority and I am really sad about that. He feels like I have always put the kids needs well above his own and he is right. He has said he is sorry, but has also said a lot of stupid things like "you can't help feelings". He has also said that for once he is going to control things in his life (he thinks I am very controlling) and he needs to make himself happy. He is very passive, and I truly did not know how he was feeling, he keeps everything in until he explodes. I also had a hysterectomy 1.5 years ago on my 30th birthday that I did not want and went through a depression, to say the least I couldn't seem to get out of, since I wanted another child. His dad was a cheater and he has always had so much resentment towards him. I honestly never thought he was capable of doing this to me, or the kids.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mom_of_3 said:


> He feels like I have always put the kids needs well above his own and he is right.


Before this EA started, how much time did the two of you spend together a week doing things with each other? How frequently did the two of you have sex? And how receptive were you to sex (did you turn him down a lot, etc?)


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## mom_of_3 (Jan 24, 2012)

We did not spend near enough time together the 2 of us, neither of us made it a priority, which I realize was really wrong. Sex was about once a week and was usually initiated by him. I had a complication from my surgery that made it really painful. The ironic part is that I had a procedure done to fix that and the day I got home is when I realized something was wrong with us, and now I want to do it all the time, and he doesn't.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mom_of_3 said:


> We did not spend near enough time together the 2 of us, neither of us made it a priority, which I realize was really wrong. Sex was about once a week and was usually initiated by him. I had a complication from my surgery that made it really painful. The ironic part is that I had a procedure done to fix that and the day I got home is when I realized something was wrong with us, and now I want to do it all the time, and he doesn't.


If a couple does not spend about 15 hours a week together doing 'date-like' things, their connection will suffer.

And then, if once a week was not as much as he would like sex, then the connection suffers even more.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Mom of 3
Sorry you are here.
My H had an 8 week EA with a co worker after 17 years of marriage.
Its devastating. Firstly,please dont blam yourself, i can see that you are begining to do that. Ok so maybe you BOTH havent prioritsed your marriage for a while, but HELLO! you have 3 children who take up a lot of time and energy. Your H didnt put you first either, have you had an EA with anyone? No, so HE made the decision to do that and he has to own it and accept it.

My H is also a decent, family man, who has alwaus adored me and put our family first. Since his EA 8 months ago he too has also said he doesnt love me, that im controlling etc etc. He to is also a passive man. He was controlled by his father, then joined the military, then married!! He has let himself be controlled, becuase he didnt want to grow up and take responsibility for things himself, it was easier to let me do it.

Dont give up hope though. Keep up with the MC (my H wont even consider this)and ensure you have regular contact for the childrens sake.

Be patient, my H and i are also seperated, but i know it sounds contradictory, but we are getting closer. We are rebuilding the friendship we had and are spending good quality time together, Its a long slow process but one that requires patience.

Be good to yourself, pull back from him somewhar and try not to be needy and demanding, dont ask him about his feelings or the future. When i stopped doing those things my H really started opening up to me. 

Some will suggest doing the 180. But for me it was too harsh, i couldnt do it BUT i have implemented some of the points from it that suit me and it has helped.

This is a really difficult time for you, but i promise, it does get better, but you need to think about yourself and do what is right for you if you are to get through it. I havve really struggled, but now i just try and take a day at a time, put worrying and anxious thoughts to the back of my mind, have a cry if i need to, and just breathe. 

good luck to you x


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## mom_of_3 (Jan 24, 2012)

Daisygirl - Thank you! your post helped me more than you know.


I am not taking any responsibility for his EA, I have told him that is 100% his to shoulder, however I take half the blame for the state our marriage was in. There is a lot of things I wish I could go back and change, and hopefully I will get a chance to do so in the future. 

I have been incredibly bitter the past 2 months, to the point where I am not sure why he is even still willing to work on us. I never thought I could hurt that bad and put my defenses up big time. I am finally getting to the point where we can talk without me wanting to rip his head off. Him not contacting the OW is what I needed him to do to feel safe enough to put my defenses down.


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## Tigrlily (Dec 27, 2011)

Hugs to you.

I've been married 15 years with three children, 13 & under. My husband had a 5 month EA with a coworker. I know what you're feeling.

Our marriage, too, was hurting. He also felt I was controlling, like your husband feels of you. Sex was not as frequent as he would have liked...I was either REALLY into it or REALLY not. So the problem was the ebb and flow of my interest when he wanted it in a more regular way. I also was accused of putting everything before him (kids, friends, work, etc). The thing for me was that a couple of years prior I had made huge changes in our marriage that resulted in his calling me "a superwife' and frequently commenting on how great things were, but my mistake was in thinking I was doing enough with that and not considering there might be more to work on. I will stress that I had my own unmet needs as well - this was not a one-sided story at all.

Unlike your husband, mine never questioned his love for me or desire to stay married, so that part I cannot identify with. But I do know the pain and shock...being married to essentially a good man, having three children, etc., and having your foundation ripped away from you completely.

I agree with the others that he's still in the fog of his affair. He's still seeing the affair through the eyes of fantasy because no real world demands have been placed on that relationship. He's comparing how he felt in that to how he feels with you in real life, which is completely illogical (yet he can't see that). 

You're supposed to feel angry and you're supposed to be reactive right now. It doesn't help at all that he's uncertain of what he even wants, because it doesn't put him in any position to be apologetic or attentive to your needs. 

There are so many others here with wise words and much experience...but I think they would tell you to look into the 180 approach. I don't think there's any point in wasting time talking or trying to connect if he isn't 100% certain he is wanting a life with you. You have to establish this first. I think the point to the 180 is to strengthen yourself for the possibility he might leave, and at the same time learn how to behave in ways that do not enable him to string this along. A little self-empowerment.

Hugs to you...lots of hugs.


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