# will you be comfortable with these conversations?



## foundmycorner (May 14, 2018)

So my spouse of almost 15 yrs and I had a conflict recently about his so called friends. He (husband: DR) had sent money to a woman (call her SL) recently stating it was a donation. She was collecting for their group’s fundraising. My husband had told me about SL long time ago. They casually dated after high school (no serious/physical relationship), moved on and had no contact for decades until their recent high school get together. He showed me their group’s (mix of men and women) chats about the fundraising. I also read conversations that made me disappointed. Note: FG is a female close friend of SL whom he just met. Some snippets:
A guy: so how long you’ve been married DR?
DR: more than 10; been with my wife for over 20 yrs.
FG: why only one for that long? You afraid to date?
SL: well you wont have many relationships if you're not going to risk it
Another woman: so only one since college? Lucky wife!
SL: because he played safe
FG: Are you jealous? Laugh emoji
FG: so DR, are you interested in a sideline? I know someone who won’t say no to you.laugh emoji
DR: no FG
SL: so how did you date your wife?
FG: you’re trying to get that feeling! Laugh emoji
DR: same way I dated you
Another guy: you liked SL? I would’ve helped you get together!
Another woman: do you regret not getting him SL? 
FG: SL’s sending PMs. Oh, I’m in trouble now!
Some butt in with other comments, husband kept quiet then it moved on to other topics.
Another woman: well I found my forever now. But who knows?
SL: There is no forever. People change, relationships change.
FG: you trying to say something? Or are you going through a rough time?
Another conversation where my husband was not conversing but he was included in the chat group:
A guy: so there’s a reunion in (another city)
SL: hey DR, let’s go to (city) and attend this reunion
FG: oh, I’m sure he’ll be happy to pay for that trip for you
My husband said he would never take the invitation, and never pay for her trip. He denied ever impyling anything like that.

There were few private messages between my husband and SL,nothing about relationships. she asking whether he’s going to their upcoming reunion. Who is going. Then she said “well I heard you’re ok paying for the place of the party? or were you just drunk?” He answered, “not sure I’m going really”.
Then lately he received a message from her. “got the $250. Is that your gift for me?” Laugh emoji. He replied ” That’s for the fundraiser”. She said, “ok, sent it to the committee”

He said nothing happened in the get together. The chat was “just making fun of the past”, that “No one in the group was taking it seriously”. SL is married, with no motives.He said he’s not attracted to her. I am upset and felt disrespected with their friends (whom I have never met) as they seem to encourage flirty conversations. He apologized and he reassured me that he loves only me. I told him affairs can start with jokes like this. He said I’m jumping to conclusions. Though my gut says something else, now I feel paranoid as my husband has never strayed. Any thoughts about this? Suggestions?


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## TheBohannons (Apr 6, 2018)

He said No.

He deserves a little love, not harassment. Just tell him you don't appreciate HER comments, but he handled it well.

No problem with requesting limited contact with SL, but don't put this on your Husband.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

I think your husband handled that OK and didn't play into their bull****. SL sounds like a trouble maker, and FG sounds like a **** stirrer.
I'd keep an eye on things and ask him to show you any more contact, and maybe do a little investigation on your own to make sure he's showing you everything. If he goes to any reunions it should be with you by his side. If you don't go then neither should he.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I think your husband handled himself great. He didn’t let anything go that had to be handled and didn’t go off on things he could let slide. 

What are you worried about?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

He may not have realized what type of people they currently are until that conversation. Now that he knows, there is no need to pursue those friendships.

If he is still conversing with those same people after they have proven they are scumbags, I would question why.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

He handled it with class. No flirting on his part, set FG straight on the question about a sideline, You should be proud.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

You can’t worry about the outside worLê. Your husband was all business and you can’t worry about being disrespected. Stuff like that happens and he didn’t want to engage (for good or bad). Not engaging shows that he doesn’t give one **** what they said and you should stick your tongue down his throat.


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## kekkek (Apr 5, 2018)

Araucaria said:


> He may not have realized what type of people they currently are until that conversation. Now that he knows, there is no need to pursue those friendships.
> 
> If he is still conversing with those same people after they have proven they are scumbags, I would question why.


Yes, this is pretty sleazy for a group chat, even if the husband stayed out of it. I would hope he drops all contact with this "organization" if they behave like that.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

these women were provoking him and he stood his ground, he respected you and your marriage. Unless there is history or something else that i am not seeing, it looks like you have a true man there.


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## foundmycorner (May 14, 2018)

Thank you for your replies. Really appreciate it. Since I was not at the get together and I never knew the people there, having read the chat messages (which I did not know about) made me ask questions of what occurred. He always said it was like any other: few hours of talking over food and alcohol. There were jokes among friends, no past relationship talk. He said FG did comment "I heard you have an admirer" in a laughing manner. His impression was she was just that "life of the party girl" making fun of him. And that probably everyone else got more comfortable after meeting up, so topics on the chat became "more open". With them planning more events/reunion, I did tell him flirty talk + alcohol don't go well together even if he feels he can control himself. He was thinking of going to one (out of state) since his close friend was going, but after our discussion, he said he won't. It's true, can't control the outside world. Thanks again.


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## Wooodd (Apr 9, 2018)

Since I joined this site paranoia over my W has gone into overdrive. Reading all the stories of woe and despair made me ponder on whether me and my W's situation was the result of something more nefarious so I have been snooping like a proper PI. (Just need me a long coat and a newspaper with pre-cut eye holes and I'm all set)

When snooping through her phone I found a scenario similar to yours, although it was 1 man contacting her alone and not part of a group chat, and he was much more direct than just some casual flirty remarks. The chats were from about 2 years ago. I know the guy in question (although not a friend) and he was in a really bad place at the time, without getting into too much info his Ms. was playing the field and being an all round bi-atch (there split now).

As I started to read on I was initially mortified reading what he was writing to MY WIFE, but her responses were nothing short of amazing. She was to the point, reminding him of my existence and not an ounce of flirtation anywhere on her end. All of this whilst still being able to console him and not hurt his feelings. I could not have been happier with how she handled this at all.

He messaged her a few months after the flurry of messages (which lasted a few weeks) apologising for his behaviour and that was that, no contact since.

Now I know that she should really have told me about the messages she was getting, but she knew what this guy was going through and I don't think having me breathing down his neck would have helped him in any way.

I guess what I'm getting at is similarly to your H, my W handled the situation with respect and grace. Not pushing anyone's nose out of joint, whilst not being pulled into the mire. It does look like your H has the upmost of respect for your relationship from his handling of the situation. I am proud of my W's actions, not disappointed. 

You cannot account for the scum that is out there looking to ruin your relationship, but your H handled it like a gentleman and you should be proud.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Sounds like he may have some immature friends, but he seemed to handle himself fine.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

You know, I am pretty tough on these things... but in your case, it seems like he handled it properly. 

I would like to know why you did not go to the get together? 

But to me he handled it well. I just had a guy hit on my GF at a pool party and she handled it great. 

And, I am cool with it. At first I was a little bothered she did not tell me at the party, but I immediately realized how smart she was to do that. 

I would have sent him to the hospital, not because I was jealous, but because of the disrespect that he showed for HER. 

Also, let's be honest, do you want to be married to a toad that no one finds attractive, or is it better to be with someone that is attractive.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> You know, I am pretty tough on these things... but in your case, it seems like he handled it properly.
> 
> I would like to know why you did not go to the get together?
> 
> ...


Off topic here, but how did this guy hit on her that was so disrespectful. I am constantly amazed by guys who think being a douche is going to lead to a successful pickup attempt. 

My wife gets hit on often never bothers me. Hey I would hit on her too.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Off topic here, but how did this guy hit on her that was so disrespectful. I am constantly amazed by guys who think being a douche is going to lead to a successful pickup attempt.
> 
> My wife gets hit on often never bothers me. Hey I would hit on her too.


What was disrespectful, at this setting, is that we are a couple that are totally in love. We are very affectionate with each other at all times. So it is way beyond obvious that we are not only together but totally in love and into each other. We are the couple that everyone want to "be like".

So, when he asks her out, not once but twice, that is disrespectful. For that, with one of my women, you get an a$$ whipping. Not really open for debate. 

So she knew what she was doing by not telling me until after the party. I would have made a scene and it could have gotten ugly. 

If she gets hit on at a club, no big deal, the guy may not know we are together, esp if I am playing that night. I just say hey, FO, she is with me, if he has a problem with it, then we may have a problem, but they usually don't. 

But in this setting, It was out of line, and kind of creepy...


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> What was disrespectful, at this setting, is that we are a couple that are totally in love. We are very affectionate with each other at all times. So it is way beyond obvious that we are not only together but totally in love and into each other. We are the couple that everyone want to "be like".
> 
> So, when he asks her out, not once but twice, that is disrespectful. For that, with one of my women, you get an a$$ whipping. Not really open for debate.
> 
> ...


Ahh got, I assumed it was a situation where he didn't know you were together. You know what is fun and I've done this. When the guy hits on her just look at him and bust out laughing. The face is priceless.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I would say your H handled it fine. He shut it down. There will always be flirty men and women. The key is learning how to shut it down. Your H did just that. As for the group, one can not dictate who is part and who is not. There are a few loose cannons in this group. Can't say I have not met a group without some questionable loose cannons. These people test the waters. Your H pulled the drain plug. No water to test. 



> DR: no FG


 Job done.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Ahh got, I assumed it was a situation where he didn't know you were together. You know what is fun and I've done this. When the guy hits on her just look at him and bust out laughing. The face is priceless.


Ok I told this story on another thread, but I will TJ one more time. The whole story is: This guy hits on her and she kind of laughs at him. I was playing at that point so I did not see it. 

Then he comes back for more and I was talking with some friends across the pool. She says, "You see this ring, my man has one just like it, it is our commitment ring. He is mine and I am his. Now, look out at this crowd... My man is the best looking man here. And, I assure you that none of these women here have ever had a lover as good as him. Why would you think you have any chance with me..." And he left with his tale between his legs. 

I think that is priceless...


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## foundmycorner (May 14, 2018)

We go out as a couple or as a family 90% of the time. It was this time I felt it would be good for him to see how some people ( he went to high school with) on his own.


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## foundmycorner (May 14, 2018)

A lot of times people go to forums to show the ill results of flirting and all that. But good to see a number of times people stand their ground. I still would prefer to be told of sensitive conversations or incidents , like the emails Wooodd said or the incident BluesPower said),even if it's been days/weeks after. I see why other people delay talking about it as the initial reaction can have bad consequences. I think it'll be worse if I heard it from someone who misinterpreted what he/she saw or heard and everything can be blown out of proportion. In our case since we discussed it, if an occasion comes up where I/we will end up being in the same event as the people (in the chat), we will know how to avoid an unpleasant situation.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

foundmycorner said:


> A lot of times people go to forums to show the ill results of flirting and all that. But good to see a number of times people stand their ground. *I still would prefer to be told of sensitive conversations or incidents , like the emails Wooodd said or the incident BluesPower said),even if it's been days/weeks after. I see why other people delay talking about it as the initial reaction can have bad consequences. *  I think it'll be worse if I heard it from someone who misinterpreted what he/she saw or heard and everything can be blown out of proportion. In our case since we discussed it, if an occasion comes up where I/we will end up being in the same event as the people (in the chat), we will know how to avoid an unpleasant situation.


Re: Bolded. 
To each his own, but I'd prefer to know immediately, as I'd feel manipulated otherwise, and that leads to the underlined. If I found out from someone else before I was told by my SO/Spouse then that means it was being kept from me by them, and a lie of omission is worse than a flat-out lie, to me, because you never even have a chance to judge it for truth or not. It's keeping you in the dark intentionally.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

BluesPower said:


> What was disrespectful, at this setting, is that we are a couple that are totally in love. We are very affectionate with each other at all times. So it is way beyond obvious that we are not only together but totally in love and into each other. We are the couple that everyone want to "be like".
> 
> So, when he asks her out, not once but twice, that is disrespectful. For that, with one of my women, you get an a$$ whipping. Not really open for debate.


 You said in an earlier post that this was disrespectful of her. Let's call a spade a spade, It was more complimentary to her and disrespectful to you, which I expect is what pissed you off, and rightfully so. She did handle it extremely well though. It would've been great to be a fly on the wall to see his reaction. A "laughing my ass off" fly.


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