# When to introduce the kids?



## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

I know this has been asked but I can't seem to find a thread on the subject.

My stbxw wants to start bringing OM around the kids. It has been 3 months since DDAY. She had been in the affair for a short while and with OM since then. Very sexual, secret world she is living in w/ him. He is married and getting D as well now.

I'm mortified of the thought of him being around my children but i know it will happen eventually. 

I'm just curious, what does everyone think is an appropriate time?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I don't know but I don't think you have any control over that, do you?
I can't imagine being in her shoes so it's hard for me to say. I guess it depends on the ages of the kids and whether they knew that there were issues with your marriage before the affair. 
I would say later rather than sooner. It's too hard for kids to deal with divorce and then find out that their parents are already with someone else.
I think it might be easier depending on the age if they saw fighting and problems and know why the divorce happened.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

OK, good points. My children are very small. 3 and 5. They know the guy as he is one of their friends daddy. He was her her best friends husband. 
I argue that this will confuse them more. She argues that they know him so it will make it easier for them.
Never any fighting or anything between me and her.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Nope. Your wife should not introduce the kids to the OM at all, unless they get serious. How sad for those kids. So confusing.

NO ONE met my child when I was dating. 

But, guess you can't control her...although, it's best for the kids that she dates when they are with you or have him over after the kids go to bed. It's not THEIR family.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Nope. Your wife should not introduce the kids to the OM at all, unless they get serious. How sad for those kids. So confusing.
> 
> NO ONE met my child when I was dating.
> 
> But, guess you can't control her...although, it's best for the kids that she dates when they are with you or have him over after the kids go to bed. It's not THEIR family.


See, that's the problem. In her fog, she believes she is in love and is serious. Maybe she is. I asked her if they had a fight yet... she was just silent.

You are both right though. Bottom line is that i have no control over when she does it. I'm at peace that is will happen someday I'm just terrified that she is going to F them up. I personally will NOT introduce for a long time when I start dating. 

What the right amount of time is or how you define "serious", that is what I'm trying to figure out.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

sd212 said:


> See, that's the problem. In her fog, she believes she is in love and is serious. Maybe she is. I asked her if they had a fight yet... she was just silent.
> 
> You are both right though. Bottom line is that i have no control over when she does it. I'm at peace that is will happen someday I'm just terrified that she is going to F them up. I personally will NOT introduce for a long time when I start dating.
> 
> What the right amount of time is or how you define "serious", that is what I'm trying to figure out.


How long has she been seeing him?

Serious is in terms of length. Any woman who brings a man around her children after a short period of time is putting her own needs and own "wishes" for a happy family before the needs of her children. They don't need to get attached to someone who will not last.

Wow. She's so selfish, isn't she?


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

She has been seeing him for 3 months now. Started about a week before she left me. Seeing him in the sense that they shack up together on the nights that she doesn't have the kids. They haven't gone out in public much b/c we live in a somewhat small town and everyone hates them for what they have done.

You are absolutely right that she is being selfish. Because she cannot be public with him and with him all the time, she wants the times she has the kids to be available to him too. She wants to be able to go somewhere with him and the kids and show the world they are "serious." Mind you, she readily admits she is being selfish but believes she deserves to be selfish. Says she worried too much about others before and wants to worry about herself now.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

In an ideal situation the children wouldn't meet the OM/OW until a reasonable amount of time after their parents separate/divorced but things are never that simple. I suggest you don't worry about it. Don't encourage it of course but if she wants to introduce them to him as her new partner she will whether you like it or not. Just keep an eye open for any sign of aggression/abuse. 

There are some things one can't control.


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## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

It is definitely way too soon. As suggested above, the kids are probably already trying to adapt to all this, and will be heartbroken if they attach any sort of stability and permanence to someone who turns out to be not the person who your stbxw thought he was (and affair partners are often just that- unreliable stop-overs).

Is this something the ex has asked your opinion on? Or just flaunted in your face in the pretense of asking your opinion?

Sorry you're in this situation.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

She didn't flaunt it. In fact, cried the whole time she was suggesting it b/c I'm sure she knows its wrong. No discussion of it since b/c it was a very uncomfortable conversation. I have the kids this weekend so I'd say she is tied over for a while. I'm sure that when next weekend comes she will be thinking about it again. 
I think the thing I am going to have to get comfortable with is that I can't do squat about it anyway.

My therapist says that having more people to love my children is a good thing and my goal should be to see it as such. Damn, that is a hard thing to hear but I think she is right.


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## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

I'm glad she didn't do anything as nasty as parading the OM like that. At least that is a start 

Without a doubt, the more people in your kid's lives who bring them positive things to the table is a goal.
In saying that, you don't want the kids to get hurt, either, if someone breezes in and out of their lives because they couldn't keep things working with the parent.

There are a number of pages online about guidelines for introducing kids to a parent's new partner.
Do a bit of reading, maybe print out some stuff. If she brings it up again, tell her in a calm manner that you want the best for the kids and are sure that she does too. Explain that even though you realise that he will be a part of their lives eventually and accept that; regardless of whether you do yet or not- it will be hard on you, I know, but eventually it will happen and you want to handle it in the most dignified way possible for the children- time will make it better. Then give her the information you have found.

If this is going to be too uncomfortable, maybe send her an email letting her know you have been reflecting on this and know it will happen eventually, and that you know the subject is troubling her and would like to help her make an informed decision about this as co-parents. Let her know that, ultimately, what she decides to do is her perogative, but that you would like to help make it as smooth a transition as possible for the kids. 

This is going to be so hard to swallow, I'm sure. Given that this man helped your wife to destroy your marriage. Take the high road though. Make sure it's clear to her that this is not about your feelings about him and her, but about the concern of the kids. They need an adjustment time to process everything that has happened, and I know you're thinking about that. Now it's just about getting her to do the same.

Good luck.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

Just wanted to say thanks for all the input here. The topic hasn't come up again for us but she made a decision (locked in now) not to move in with him so that seems to indicate that her plans have changed. I really hope that she enjoys her nights "off" and leaves it at that for awhile.

As for me, I'm comfortable with whatever happens. I have finally accepted that I have zero control no matter how much she says my opinion matters. She clearly is doing whatever she wants. I love my children so very much and that will always be. I will always be dad no matter what happens.


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## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

sd212 said:


> Just wanted to say thanks for all the input here. The topic hasn't come up again for us but she made a decision (locked in now) not to move in with him so that seems to indicate that her plans have changed. I really hope that she enjoys her nights "off" and leaves it at that for awhile.
> 
> As for me, I'm comfortable with whatever happens. I have finally accepted that I have zero control no matter how much she says my opinion matters. She clearly is doing whatever she wants. I love my children so very much and that will always be. I will always be dad no matter what happens.


I'm so glad to hear this from you. You sound like a great father and should be proud of yourself. Bet your kids love you to bits :thumbup:


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

I'm surprised she discussed it with you at all. At least that shows that she knows on some level it must not be okay. 

Unfortunately, you are right in that you won't be able to control when she decides to introduce him to the kids. It seems far too soon. My ex is actually a good dad, but he didn't say a thing to me about his decision to move OW across the country and into a new apartment with her. My kids met OW when they visited Daddy's new home for the weekend. And this was just 4 months after he moved out for us to "work on things". I would have preferred he made his decision differently, but had no say. And you know what? My kids are fine and adjusting well for the most part. It pretty much solidified his position as a cheater, though, in my 9 year old's eyes, and that's his problem. 

It takes awhile to make peace with it, but all you can hope for is happy kids with parents and significant others who care for them.


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