# No sexual spark for a partner, then what?



## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

What are the real options someone would have if they didn't find their wife/husband sexually attractive (both body and personality) but there was a lot of love and a great relationship still?

Avoiding afairs, porn and swinging, is a divorce and a new direction the only moral solution?

I cannot think of any solution to that question and wonder what the solution could be in your eyes?


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## J.R.Jefferis (Jun 27, 2012)

Hi Henri,

I think it is wrong to consider "divorce" a solution except in some very extreme circumstances where there is absolutely no other option (i.e. spousal abuse, domestic violence, etc.). In the situation you describe I would consider it more of a cop out than a solution. It is simply an easy way out, a way to avoid making an effort to overcome a challenge in the relationship or marriage. It most certainly cannot be considered a "moral solution".

If, as you say, there is still a lot of love and a solid relationship, then that is what is most important. Where there is love anything can be overcome. Almost all marriages have ups and downs in their sex life and it is up to the couple to make an effort to spice things up and help the relationship evolve.

Bottom line...make an effort and be creative!
JR


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

Henri said:


> What are the real options someone would have if they didn't find their wife/husband sexually attractive (both body and personality) but there was a lot of love and a great relationship still?
> 
> Avoiding afairs, porn and swinging, is a divorce and a new direction the only moral solution?
> 
> I cannot think of any solution to that question and wonder what the solution could be in your eyes?


The first thing IMO would be find out _why_ the sexual attraction is gone. Only once you know that reason can you know if it's something that can realistically be addressed without divorce. Some can be solved by the couple themselves, some require outside help (like MC), and some are insurmountable.

You mention not being attracted to one's spouse's personality. It's been my experience that when I'm not attracted to how my W is acting, I don't want to have sex with her. Conversely, when we're clicking on an emotional level, I definitely have a desire to be intimate with her. And when she's acting like a c*ck craving sex kitten, then sex is just about the only thing on my mind. My point here is that though two people may make a very good team in all other aspects, small parts of their personality (or even big ones) can lead to a lack of sexual attraction, and in my experience, much more so than physical changes.


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

Thanks for the posts. 

What would you (or anyone) suggest in the situation that the sexual attraction was never very high in the first place, so it isn't about recovering something lost, but rather the relationship is based on love not sexual passion, but the sexual passion starts to become an issue in the relationship?


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Passion can be found.... you need to learn sexually about your partner and they need to learn about you and find what you like, dislike and vise versa, and flirt, be sexual, touch sexually, attraction can be developed.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I think if you want to keep the relationship, you need to actively work on the sex. Try Sinclair Institute, Better Sex Video Series, Sexplorations video set. Mine's in mint condition, ordered it for me and my buddy, because I promised him we would get to the good stuff. Unfortunately he had a brain hemorrhage and it arrived a week after that. My social worker recommended it to me when I had issues with my ex, and needed to learn what good sex was all about. I had a copy but then threw it away when I figured out that we never had good sex that was emotionally connected, and that he'd been cheating on me and that it was an abusive relationship. Hence ordering the second copy for a better purpose, lol.

Anyway, if you want better sex, you have to make it a priority project and put in your time. The video series will give you a lot of ideas. It seems that the key is communication and also being open to different ideas and giving space for imperfection while you are experimenting to see what works better for you as a couple in terms of communication and connection (literally and figuratively.) If you get along well out of bed, and both want to make better sex a priority, you are way ahead of the game. Slow gains are still gains, and you are unlikely to lose them over the years, but add to them. 

You don't say how long you've been together. But probably this approach is easier than divorce as an option, at least in the outset. Then you can say you really tried and gave it a good effort. And even if you divorce you will have a takeaway which is knowing more about couple sex, to make a better judgement next time around about what it is that is really going to do it for you sexually.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

I second what livelaughlovenow and Homemaker_Numero_Uno are saying. It's more than worth exploring your sexual relationship together. When my W and I met, we were both very sexually inexperienced, and had a lot of sexual hangups to boot. After the initial novelty and passion wore off, our sex life stalled because quite frankly, we didn't know how to have good sex. It's taken a lot of effort on both of our parts, but the good news is it's a positive feedback loop. Better sex leads to more passion and desire for each other, which leads to even better sex, and so on.

Of course you may try this stuff and it may not work, but at least you'll know you put in the effort.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Henri said:


> What are the real options someone would have if they didn't find their wife/husband sexually attractive (both body and personality) but there was a lot of love and a great relationship still?
> 
> Avoiding afairs, porn and swinging, is a divorce and a new direction the only moral solution?
> 
> I cannot think of any solution to that question and wonder what the solution could be in your eyes?


If you have kids you stay married until they are grown and gone. It's not their fault their parents don't like having sex with each other. Breaking up a family so you can go out and have sex is nothing short of child abuse.

If you don't have any kids get out. You don't necessarily need to get a divorce and sometimes being permanently separated makes the other partner seem sexually more exciting.....sometimes.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Mr B said:


> If you have kids you stay married until they are grown and gone. It's not their fault their parents don't like having sex with each other. Breaking up a family so you can go out and have sex is nothing short of child abuse.
> 
> If you don't have any kids get out. You don't necessarily need to get a divorce and sometimes being permanently separated makes the other partner seem sexually more exciting.....sometimes.


I disagree with this statement. Breaking up a family is hard sure... but it's not any less easier if the spouses stayed together just for the sake of the children. They would end up resenting one another, become hostile (Not necessarily in a physical manner mind you) and if they decided to go out and cheat.. that is certainly a very destructive environment for a child or children to grow up in. (Now this is assuming the couple isn't willing to put effort into fixing the relationship as well as sex life.) As far as not having a spark there... well i suggest that if everything else is loving and solid.. put effort into igniting a flame.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Henri said:


> Thanks for the posts.
> 
> What would you (or anyone) suggest in the situation that the sexual attraction was never very high in the first place, so it isn't about recovering something lost, but rather the relationship is based on love not sexual passion, but the sexual passion starts to become an issue in the relationship?


I, personally, would be curious as to why you two married married without strong sexual attraction on both your parts. Was there pressure to marry? Did she conceal the fact she was not sexually attracted to you so that you would marry her? Conversely, did you know she was not sexually into you but figured you could make it work?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

livelaughlovenow said:


> Passion can be found.... you need to learn sexually about your partner and they need to learn about you and find what you like, dislike and vise versa, and flirt, be sexual, touch sexually, attraction can be developed.


I must disagree on this. There has to be some "spark". If, for instance, his wife just does not like sex (or sex with him) that much, no way in hell will you convince her to invest the time to:

1) Discuss his likes and dislikes, and what his vision is for their sexual relationship.
2) Figure out how to translate the above into action on her part.
3) Persist at making his sexual needs a priority if she does not share them.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Mr B said:


> If you have kids you stay married until they are grown and gone. It's not their fault their parents don't like having sex with each other. Breaking up a family so you can go out and have sex is nothing short of child abuse.


That's quite histrionic, Mr. B, and inaccurate to boot.

At any rate, Henri has already said he doesn't want to break up the marriage, so the point is moot.


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

Mr B said:


> If you have kids you stay married until they are grown and gone. It's not their fault their parents don't like having sex with each other. Breaking up a family so you can go out and have sex is nothing short of child abuse.
> 
> If you don't have any kids get out. You don't necessarily need to get a divorce and sometimes being permanently separated makes the other partner seem sexually more exciting.....sometimes.


Wow I'm taken aback at the garbage that just spewed out of your mouth.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Henri said:


> Thanks for the posts.
> 
> What would you (or anyone) suggest in the situation that the sexual attraction was never very high in the first place, so it isn't about recovering something lost, but rather the relationship is based on love not sexual passion, but the sexual passion starts to become an issue in the relationship?


Hi Henri ~

Can you give more specifics, instead of talking in generalities?

Are you in this situation with your spouse?

Do you find your partner attractive at all? 

Are both of you willing to work with each other on the relationship?

Would you be willing to see a therapist, even a sex therapist, to see if there is any passion to be rooted out between you?

Long-standing devotion, commitment to each other, and loving each other can often hold a veritable groundswell of passion that can be tapped if you are both willing to explore it together.

Best wishes.


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