# Details, details, details....



## anotherone (Sep 19, 2012)

What are we, the betrayed, looking for when we ask for details about the physical side of an affair? Do you want to know everything? Do we want to know to help with the mental images we create or do we want our betrayer to have to be reminded of what they did? Or both? Does it help, hurt? Do I want to know all of them?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

It's a personal question and it really varies. I knew enough, enough to be pretty disgusted. I don't think I would have wanted to see audiovisual proof. I feel bad for anyone who walks in on it.


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

Some do, some don't. I needed more of the "how, why, what were u thinking"? I know some people here want all of the specifics of the physical act. No way for me!! But everyone has different needs and mechanisms to start healing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Exsquid (Jul 31, 2012)

I am one of those details people. Initially I didn't want to hear about the details of their sexual rendezvous. I was consumed by the shock of her affair and my own feelings of betrayal. But after a week or so of being plagued by non stop mind movies, I realized that I was suffering more because I didn't know what they had done. I couldn't think straight because all I could do was visualize her doing things with this guy. I would envision her doing things with him that she had never done with me, a very short list of possibilities, but none the less it made me furious and extremely upset. I knew that no matter how painful they were going to be to hear I had to put my imagination to rest. 

I am glad I decided to ask all of the details. I believe I got the truth about all of them and they seemed very realistic. Yes they were very painful to hear and they did disgust me. But I also was able to put a lot of my imagination to rest. There were some things she never did with him and I was relived to hear this. I will admit there is a certain amount of pain that still lingers with respect to thinking about what they actually did, but for me personally, knowing what they did verses imagining what they did is so much easier to handle. Within a day or two of asking for the details, the constant mind movies became less and less frequent. I still have them often(3-4 times a week) but nothing like the 5-6 times a day.

Needing to know the details is really up to the person asking. Not everyone will be able to handle hearing things about their SO's affair. Some would just rather speculate. Some would just like to forget that part happened, and for some it just isn't important. A betrayal is a betrayal. If you feel betrayed already and don't want to hear the details it is up to you. I believe that it is all about preference. IMO there is no right way or wrong answer to the "should I ask details" question. It is all about the BS and their individual needs.


Bottom line for me. I feel I know everything about the affair now. Now it's on to focusing my attention on why it happened.


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

anotherone said:


> What are we, the betrayed, looking for when we ask for details about the physical side of an affair? Do you want to know everything? Do we want to know to help with the mental images we create or do we want our betrayer to have to be reminded of what they did? Or both? Does it help, hurt? Do I want to know all of them?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Details are up to you. Everyone is different here. I wanted the details, everything and I got them and YES it hurt. It was a mixed bag for me. Some details helped me, meaning that my imagination was worse, other details made things worse, meaning what they did exceeded what I was imagining.

I asked for all the details up to about 2 months past Dday. Occasionally I still asked about them.

I HAD to know for my own sanity. I felt I couldn't move forward without them. 

Can you move forward with what you know? If so then run with what you have. If questions about the details are plaguing you and eating at you, you may need to get more info. It all comes down to getting more and more until you have had enough. Only you will know when this is.

YES, sometimes I would ask details that were meant purely to hurt her, My counselor called them punches. It would be like I was punching her in the nose when I asked hurtful questions, this was mostly in the beginning. These questions don't really get you anywhere and they can cause your spouse to shut down or even fight back a little. Try to avoid these.

Sorry you are here and struggling with this, we know your pain all to well. I hope this helps you some.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I was sadly pruvy to all the gory details since day one. They loved to put them in writing. On the other hand all the PA side was pretty pathetic, tons of failed attepmts due ED. Mostly vanilly sex.
Mind movies faded with time. Also WW become a wild woman, again. Wichc helped a lot.


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## Hamster2 (Aug 6, 2012)

For me, as a man, I didn't need to know all they did, I have a good imagination as my WW is pretty hot for her age, she would wake up a dead stiff.... I just wanted to know when it started, why, how long the affair(s) lasted, and especially how did she managed to pull this off, for over 1.5 year and I never noticed anything.

I had enough graphical images in my mind, and all the other daemons that kept me awake at night, a few times 2 days without sleeping, but mostly only 2 or 3 hours sleep a night. This hellish situation lasted for over 2 weeks after she admitted to having slept with another man.

Things are better now, I can sleep a good night sleep on most night. I have the occasional 2-3 hours of sleep, but few and far in between now. Getting good sleep also helps a LOT in the recovery/salvage process I believe.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Guy's I'm really sorry for you all. 

There must be something profound in the male mind that is hurt very deep when the partner is finding love, fun, passion with someone else than yourself. 

If she gives herself, her love and passion to another, you must feel left alone in the dark, while WW and OM are in the light, have the things that you crave for, that belonged to you, or should belong to you. Maybe the male identity is hurt because the suggestion by her having the affair is that you are not good enough, you can't give enough, you fail as a man. The OM is better than you in her eyes, and the terrible fear in you is that you are indeed doing worse than what she needs to have or can get elsewhere.

All I can think of to help is that it is not realistic to expect from yourself you are the best husband, the best lover, the best provider in the world for your wife. Look into the abyss. See the reality. 

If no other information you have to assume you will be about mediocre and half of the other men will be better for your wife, and half will we worse for your wife in these subjects. That is the reality. 

Only real love can compensate for our shortcomings and can create the experience or dream where a couple can live happily everafter...​


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

For me, seeking the details were a means to an end. The end of the mind movies. Instead of mind f'ng myself on a daily basis wondering and imagining every possible thing, I simply needed to confront exactly what happened. I asked in a non-threatening way, otherwise the truth, in the end, would never have come out.

Unlike some, my mind movies stopped when I learned the details. Hell, she thought some things would be a deal breaker. They weren't. Lying would be. Continual lying. Now that I know the details, I live pretty much mind movie free, except for the occasional flash of one when I pass one of the hotels where they met up.

Details. The last thing we want to know and the first thing we ask.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

anotherone said:


> What are we, the betrayed, looking for when we ask for details about the physical side of an affair? Do you want to know everything? Do we want to know to help with the mental images we create or do we want our betrayer to have to be reminded of what they did? Or both? Does it help, hurt? Do I want to know all of them?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wanted no details at all. None. It broke my heart that she had the affair. Any details would have crushed it.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

I remember a couple of posters on here who didn't want all the details and reconciled.The decision came back to cause them problems and it was years later.So I guess you never know.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TBT said:


> I remember a couple of posters on here who didn't want all the details and reconciled.The decision came back to cause them problems and it was years later.So I guess you never know.


I had problems. I self-medicated with alcohol and this led to an EA/almost PA.

I confessed this to my wife.

The problem wasn't that I had no details, the problem was, I rugswept and there were no consequences for my wife.

However, my affair (about 2 years after hers) was, I suppose, a consequence for her, at last.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> I had problems. I self-medicated and this led to an EA/almost PA.
> 
> I confessed this to my wife.
> 
> ...



Just curious Matt if your wife wanted details or not?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TBT said:


> Just curious Matt if your wife wanted details or not?


I really can't recall....

That's an interesting question. After some thought, Yes, she did. 

So I told her what had happened, and she seemed happier knowing. If I'd actually had sex with the OW, I don't know if that would have made her happier.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

anotherone said:


> What are we, the betrayed, looking for when we ask for details about the physical side of an affair? Do you want to know everything? Do we want to know to help with the mental images we create or do we want our betrayer to have to be reminded of what they did? Or both? Does it help, hurt? Do I want to know all of them?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I had actually put together a list of what I needed to know. I understood that too much detail would crush me and possibly make R impossible. I needed to know the standard stuff like When the affair started, how long it lasted, how many times did they have sex, where, when, oral, anal, protection...etc.

I needed this info to stay and work on R. Mostly I needed openness and honesty from her and a willingness to tell me anything I needed to know...I never got it. She would shut down and stare at the floor whenever I wanted to talk. I finally decided to end it and file for divorce.

I did get some details from her OM's wife in the form of thousands of messages she found on his computer that spanned only a few months of their 1 1/2 year affair. This was brutal to read but it did give me some insight into affair dynamic and what was going on. They would occasionally but briefly discuss what they did. They had their own terms for things...I could only guess at the meanings sometimes. This info didn't help ease the mind movies I was experiencing...it made them worse because it caused me to speculate and read between the lines. 

The important thing here is the willingness of the WS to open up and be honest. Be careful what you ask for. Once you hear it you...can't un-hear it.


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## ssap (Sep 18, 2012)

for me, the first time, I wanted all the details but got few so was tormented by mind movies for at least a year. I think I would have regardless.

IMO getting all the details is kind of an internal bargaining chip. you think, "I will know the entirety, and will weigh it accordingly" but in the end, 

a better question may be,* have the details ever changed a mind from R to D or the other way?*

who has said, "oh, WS did X act, that is the one act that draws the line"

btw. the second affair, I only needed the cliff notes to know what I would do (am doing)


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

I wanted all the details.
I was in rage, as I listened to TT.

More came later.

Wretched life.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Truth to me is always less horrible than what I dream up on my own.

Yes, the details may mean that you can't R. But if R us impossible because of the truth, it was already impossible because the truth you discover was already the truth. If they chose to give loyalty,love, passion etc to the AP in a away tat prevents R, that is still the truth even if you don't know it.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is never fear the truth, embrace it, and use it to make the best informed choices you can.

The idea of avoiding truth so that some wished for fantasy can continue is setting yourself up for failure.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Details are important to know what your dealing with . I mean the details will define why we keep the WS or why we throw them away.

I buried my head in the sand with my chick 1st A and we all know how that panned out for me.

I think a good analogy would be, why keep a book if you can't read it. You read the book for understanding, knowlodge and in my case entertainment I yes I'm wired different then most) but the fact reamins if the book you have has nothing to offer then why read it?

In my case I have to say the details help with keeping the mind ovies from getting out of control. The details taught me a thing or two about my wife, sure I can't compete with the OM's but an understanding all the same. The details told me what my fWW had become and were she was going if I didn't step up and confront.

It all boils down to an individual want and need as far as how much you want to know about a poorly made porno that was made on the run. In the same breath do I really want to read some romance novel filled with fantasy? 

In our case, ya we needed to open up all aspects to my fWW second life style and learn from it.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

The way I look at it is that if your spouse is not willing to give you the details you ask for, whether as TT or outright avoiding or lying, then they are in fact showing more loyalty to their A than you. They are still seeing the marriage/you as 2nd. This makes R almost impossible.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Numb in Ohio said:


> The way I look at it is that if your spouse is not willing to give you the details you ask for, whether as TT or outright avoiding or lying, then they are in fact showing more loyalty to their A than you. They are still seeing the marriage/you as 2nd. This makes R almost impossible.


True. Also, even if they do tell you the details...how will you ever really know if they are being truthful, minimized or still lying?


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Decimated said:


> True. Also, even if they do tell you the details...how will you ever really know if they are being truthful, minimized or still lying?


That's how I feel. Their refusing to be honest and open, to me, is saying that they're not remorseful in the least.

Lacking any proof, I couldn't go with anything other than my "gut",, if that's to be considered as my own personal lie detector test,, my H failed miserably.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Sorry guy's you are on the wrong track with this. You have to try to understand why the wife does TT. You have to face your reaction to T may not be mature, and you may not be able to deal with it in the right way.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> The way I look at it is that if your spouse is not willing to give you the details you ask for, whether as TT or outright avoiding or lying, then they are in fact showing more loyalty to their A than you. They are still seeing the marriage/you as 2nd. This makes R almost impossible.


Either that or they are frightened of losing you, if you know how bad they were?


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

My ex wouldn't give me details, but I heard about some of them from one of her co-workers. When I heard that, along with seeing what the POS looked like, I felt a lot better about the whole thing. I guess it depends on the situation- sometimes details can help. But I can imagine a great deal of potential (and actual) scenarios where they would not be constructive at all.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> The way I look at it is that if your spouse is not willing to give you the details you ask for, whether as TT or outright avoiding or lying, then they are in fact showing more loyalty to their A than you. They are still seeing the marriage/you as 2nd. This makes R almost impossible.


 Not necessary (partially in my case, albeit not to protect/out of loyalty to OM but to protect her fond memories, her fantasy love story). What's sure refusal to disclose means they put themselves over you, their secrets their pride and ego over the marriage, their need of control of the outcome over honesty (manipulation, not love). It's not incompatible with thier desire to spare us more hurt, we can have a tons of emotions and goals at the same time, that's why they usually stick to this, because is ALSO truth (well, many times). Sometimes they see their BSs dying in the agony of "not knowing", sure enough they are not willing to spare that particular pain. The torture of dosing the truth doesn't phase them enough to fess up for good.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

What are we, the betrayed, looking for when we ask for details about the physical side of an affair?

*I wanted to know how far he took it. Was it kissing, oral and/or intercourse.*

Do you want to know everything? 

*Yep!!!!*

Do we want to know to help with the mental images we create or do we want our betrayer to have to be reminded of what they did? 

*For me it had nothing to with mental images or a reminder of what they did. I wanted to know everything so I could make a sound decision in regards to our relationship.*

Does it help, hurt?

*It helps if they are completely honest. Which is very rare. But will hurt when you find out the answers. I actually kicked my FWH.*

Do I want to know all of them?

*That is for you to decide. Not ever BS can handle the full truth. But the WS should be willing to give all answers to your questions in order to truly reconcile.*


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## anotherone (Sep 19, 2012)

i have asked for the details. my wife says she will give them to me but she has to remember them first! granted it was 7 years ago, she doesn't want to go back there, etc... i need the full picture to begin healing. i can not heal, or even begin reconciliation without it. when i get it, i may not be able to reconcile. i am slowly getting them but losing patience. i want to make it clear to my wife that i need this asap but want to make sure i get the full picture.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

anotherone said:


> i have asked for the details. my wife says she will give them to me but she has to remember them first! granted it was 7 years ago, she doesn't want to go back there, etc... i need the full picture to begin healing. i can not heal, or even begin reconciliation without it. when i get it, i may not be able to reconcile. i am slowly getting them but losing patience. i want to make it clear to my wife that i need this asap but want to make sure i get the full picture.


I don't know how long you have been waiting put it only took my fWW a day to recall how many, and that was 13 years of screwing around (the count was 20 OM's). Just something to think about.
Sure the ONS were the hardest to add up but still my fWW managed..it should take that long if you know what I mean?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

For what it worth to any body, My tactic seemed to work (disclaimer; my fWW was remorseful)

I asked my fWW in the morning, one question I wanted answers to, and i wanted to talk about it in the evening. The the next morning another question.

With regards to having true remorse I think a big...well a part all the same, is excepting the consequence of the possiblity of lossing your BS when the WS comes clean.

To me, that owning your behavior...as shameful as it is a WS is willing to not only except the shameful details, but the loss of there spouse.

Just like for me as a former wife beater, I have to talk about the shameful feeling I had and face them with my fWW. It sucks to talk about but its something I need to do to...I guess you can call it preventive maintence in stoping these bad behaviors from coming back.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

the guy said:


> Just like for me as a former wife beater, I have to talk about the shameful feeling I had and face them with my fWW. It sucks to talk about but its something I need to do to...I guess you can call it preventive maintence in stoping these bad behaviors from coming back.


If it's not too personal, how did you stop your behavior? Do you go to IC regularly to control? Or are you past this all together now?


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