# Advise on best although hardest beginning steps?



## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

The new year is truly going to be just that. New year in the long journey of new life. I know in my heart what the right thing is to do, but the confusion and complication of the all mighty dollar is a struggle, not to mention the heartfelt sadness of H not having the support he needs.

It's been said I need to not worry about his support, that he chooses that for himself. Well, after 18yrs not sure anything could make you still not have sympathy or compassion for certain situations, no matter what. At least in my situation.

So....my question is, financially we live paycheck to paycheck. We just bought this house 2 1/2 years ago. Due to market it's value is down 25%! OUCH...lost $30k of our equity. In past weeks, H has said he would move out get apartment. Feels me and DD should stay here due to her schooling. Part of me, maybe stupid on my part, hoped we could work out for us both to stay here until finalization? One, becuase if he moves out, I assume he stops paying bills here? Right now, I'm the 'bread winner'. I have laid out on paper what I can afford and I could keep paying house and my car and utilities. But through in his truck payment and a few credit bills....I'm toast. 

He mentioned cashing in a few IRA's to help himself. Hearing that hurts, he's 51, soon 52 and last thing I want is him tapping into his only retirement. His current job has nothing. I've tried encouraging him to find other job at two secure places around here. Not just b/c of our situation but for himself. Seriously, if I were to die tomorrow, he has nothing for support of him and our DD with his job.

Back to my reason of post....how do you do this? Not sure he will go for the living in same house yet seperated. He's an all or nothing guy. Then the house would need to be sold, which I've already told him what ever equity does come from it, he can have. Why? He sold his own home used all equity for this one and honestly, my heart feels it's only right due to his situation. Again, for me to survive, the guilt that has been laid on me from his comments, etc....it's all I know or feel will help me move on by letting him have what ever he needs to start over. 

Not looking forward to all this, but I so look forward to finding happiness within, liking myself again, being confident again, and just finding my self worth. I got a little taste of it last 4 days. It was very refreshing.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

See an attorney right away to get a sense of your options. The house is a major issue. If you can afford it, try to stay so that you can rebuild some equity and maybe sell when the economy gets better. If he moves, do not agree to pay for any of his expenses, i.e., his truck, truck insurance, etc. Do NOT let him cash in any 401k or IRA accounts - if you end up splitting up for good may be entitled to a good chunk of those accounts. I know this is really difficult and that you are feeling like you need to care for him despite all of what's happening. But, you also need to take care of yourself and make sure that you do not get the short end of the stick financially. You've worked hard to build up what you have - don't let him throw that down the tubes and put you and your child in financial jeopardy.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Why would you be paying his truck payment if you two separate? He would take his truck with him, correct? That payment would then be his responsibility. Credit bills...I would say if they are shared bills, then you should split the costs. 

As for worrying about how he will support himself, well...that's his concern, not yours. You need to concern yourself with taking care of you and your daughter. I understand you're also concerned that if something happened to you, he wouldn't be able to financially care for your daughter, but I'm not sure there's really anything that can be done about that. You can't force him to be more responsible, ambitious, or whatever. You can express that concern to him, but it's up to him to decide it's a change he needs to make. 

You can't keep living your life based on the "what if" and how he'll react or take care of himself. If you separate or divorce, he is not your responsibility. Well, actually, technically he's not your responsibility even now. Each adult is responsible for him/herself. We simply allow others to help us or take responsibility for us, or we make trade offs in terms of letting them take on this responsibility of ours so that we take on that responsibility of theirs. And if you are no longer together, then you are not responsible for any aspect of his life, even where it intersects because of your daughter. You are responsible for yourself, and for your daughter. If he does something that puts your daughter in danger or profoundly affects her life in some negative fashion, then you step in to ensure your daughter is out of that particular situation, but you can't keep worrying about him.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

*blownaway: * His IRA's etc are not large. His employer of 23yrs is crap! They have changed hands several times and took away all and any retirment years ago. Honestly, I do not want any of his 401's or such. I'm not really looking to make money out of this deal or put him in any financial straits. Truth be known, due to my job over last few years, if he decides to get vindictive....I could owe him. I guess in my fairy tale world my hope is to agree that his bills are his, mine are mine, we have 2 Credit Cards that we both use so split that, and we have a large tractor we bought due to acreage, the sale of that split and as for the house....I honestly do not want the money. Why? Foolish and idiotic...perhaps. But the house we moved from was his he grew up in bought off parents etc. When sold all equity from that went to this house. It was only way could afford to get payments down. Then after only being here 2yrs we refinanced for lower interest. Intent was to cash out some equity and that's when we were devistated by truly how bad the market is!! In 2 years the value down 30grand!! So, I feel only right if have to sell, he gets that money. Maybe in part becuase I know financially, in due time, I'll be okay starting over. He is going to struggle IF he stays around here. Constant comments of him being too old to start over, and all that he gave up for me is what weigh on mind over and over. Ive allowed it to disease me.

*atruckersgirl: * I've been living what ifs for many years now. I've yet to 'live in the moment', live for today. I've turned into a 'living the future or try to direct my future' and in doing so, I've lost a huge part of me.

If it could be worked out to where I could stay here, at least to DD is out of school and sell later date, then split or do what ever with money, that would be my ideal. Yet, house would still be in both's names and I do not know how that works if seperated or even divorced.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

I don't know what the laws of your state allow, but ask an attorney if there is a way to keep his name on the mortgage for a specified period of time, i.e., until DD is out of school. If, at that time, you choose to sell, you could split the proceeds, but his portion would be reduced by the amount of prinicipal off the note that you've paid since the date of separation. If you decide that you can afford the house in the long-term and you don't want to sell at that point, then you refinance, get his name off the note and buy him out. There are ways to try to reduce the horrific financial strains right out of the gate, especially if there are children and school districts involved. Again, go see an attorney to get all of your options together. I understand not wanting to make money out of the deal, but you also have to think practically. You also are in your early fifties and have invested a lot of years in this marriage. You are entitled to fairness. Fairness does not mean just walking away and giving him everything because you feel sorry for him. A friend of mine always reminds me that women tend to just want to get things over with and don't want to think about the practicalities involved with these issues because it's too overwhelming. When that happens, they sometimes get screwed. Inevitably, when the D is over and they start thinking clearly, they regret not fighting a little bit harder for fairness. Just my thoughts.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

emotionalwreck said:


> The new year is truly going to be just that. New year in the long journey of new life. I know in my heart what the right thing is to do, but the confusion and complication of the all mighty dollar is a struggle, not to mention the heartfelt sadness of H not having the support he needs.
> 
> It's been said I need to not worry about his support, that he chooses that for himself. Well, after 18yrs not sure anything could make you still not have sympathy or compassion for certain situations, no matter what. At least in my situation.
> 
> ...


I agree with both the above posters worrying about how he is going to manage this , is not your concern . 


" Well, after 18yrs not sure anything could make you still not have sympathy or compassion for certain situations, no matter what . At least in my situation......" 

Well in your situation it doesn't sound like sympathy or compassion , its just sounds like you are feeling pity , which wouldn't make any thing better at least for him . 

You can simply take what is & will be legally yours & let him have what is his . Fair business .


Best of luck


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