# Sexually unsatisfied and impotent-feeling wife



## Carmen98 (May 24, 2017)

Hello, TAM! I recently got married to my husband after being together for two years. Before we got married, he seemed sexually insatiable. It was like he couldn't keep his hands off me! His sex drive was much higher than mine, but that was alright, because I was always happy to go along with it when he initiated sex. I felt very desirable and loved how well I could please him.

However, since we got married and moved in together, my sex drive has shot upward while his has plummeted. I want him all the time. I get in the mood just from having him brush against me or seeing him take his shirt off. Meanwhile, he is almost never interested in sex of any kind. I've gone from being the responsive partner to the initiator, which is a role that I don't find much fun, and still get turned down 3 out of 4 times. I try to accept this with grace, because I know it's his body and entirely his decision, but it does make me very sad. I miss the passion and the feeling of being desirable.

When he was the initiator we often had sex several times a day, but now we're down to once a week (if I'm lucky!) and the change is so dramatic that I can barely understand it. What's worse is that I know I'd have been fine with once a week last year, but now that I live with him and am so attracted to him, even once a day would feel a bit limiting.

What prompted me to come here to ask for advice is the very disheartening experience I had just today. I initiated sex with him and touched him in all the ways he usually likes. However, he seemed oddly quiet. While in the midst of penetration (while I was doing all the moving) I asked him if he was enjoying this at all. He said it didn't feel like much of anything to him. This caused me to lose my desire pretty quickly, but I tried to salvage the situation as best I could by still acting sexy and performing oral, but he continued being uninterested. We eventually wound up snuggled next to each other and he fell asleep while I tried not to cry. This was the worst experience I've had so far, but several others have been similar in terms of how they made me feel.

Beyond being unsatisfied, I just feel so impotent. I want to be able to have the physical and emotional connection that comes with sex, and I want to make my partner happy, but both of these seem just out of reach. I'm consumed with self-doubt these days about whether he has ceased to find me attractive now that we're hitched. Honestly, I feel stupid for being this hurt by something that I fear looks trivial. He knows I feel this way, though I don't know if he understands how strongly. He says he can't help it, and I believe him and accept it, but the hurt doesn't go away.

I'm not looking to leave or replace my husband. I love HIM and what I want is to experience passion and intimacy with HIM. Ideally, I want to go back to the way things were when he'd be eager for me. However, if I could instead find a way to be just as satisfied with his current level of interest, that would also be an acceptable resolution. Does anyone here have advice on what either of us can do?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Strange. Is he still attracted to you? Has anything changed? Stress, deaths, etc? Is he taking meds?


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## Carmen98 (May 24, 2017)

He says he's still attracted to me and complements my appearance reasonably often (a few times a week). I think I can believe him that he finds me pretty. I don't know if it's that he has started to not see "pretty" as meaning "sexy" anymore, or something.

For changes - nothing much, besides us now living together. There have been no deaths in his family or among his friends, and he claims his job has gotten _less_ stressful as he's been working at it longer. There's no children or pregnancy involved. He doesn't take any medications other than melatonin to sleep and Ibuprofen for the occasional headache.

He's always been a bit moody, but that doesn't seem any different now than before. If he was both moody and horny before, I doubt that moodiness would have anything to do with the decline in sex drive.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Depression? Anxiety? Any resentment?

This isn't a medical opinion from me but I would be questioning the melatonin and whilst he is at it he needs to get his testosterone levels checked. 

I don't get why you are doing all the work and yet he didn't meet you half way to ensure YOU were satisfied. If he keeps doing that he will eventually lose you. There is nothing wrong with one sided sex - women do it all the time. By making sure you are FULLY satisfied even if he isn't in the mood is a loving thing to do.


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## Carmen98 (May 24, 2017)

peacem said:


> Depression? Anxiety? Any resentment?


Depression is possible, though if that's the case then it's been so since the start. I don't understand why things would have changed _now_. Or, if they have, how that can be helped.

He might resent me and, while I don't know what effect that might have had on the sex, it seems plausible that that's involved. The process of us getting married was very complicated because it got bound up with my immigration, and I think he feels like I didn't do my fair share, because I'm bad at handling paperwork. That's currently behind us, for the most part, but he may still resent me for it. I try as much as I can to be helpful and available for anything else he might want on a day-to-day basis, but he tends to rebuff me, because he feels like he can do everything himself.

I don't want to make myself out to be a victim here. I think his being upset with me is quite reasonable, and that I've probably not been a perfect wife even in ways I don't yet know about. However, I didn't mention this before because it hadn't occurred to me that this might be related to our problems. Thank you for suggesting it.



peacem said:


> This isn't a medical opinion from me but I would be questioning the melatonin and whilst he is at it he needs to get his testosterone levels checked.


I doubt melatonin is affecting him this way. He has mild insomnia, and melatonin just helps him fall asleep more easily. The insomnia predates our sexual issues, while he only started taking melatonin this month (after this problem was already in full-swing). For testosterone, I can suggest that this might be an issue and ask if he's thought of hormone supplementation.



peacem said:


> I don't get why you are doing all the work and yet he didn't meet you half way to ensure YOU were satisfied. If he keeps doing that he will eventually lose you. There is nothing wrong with one sided sex - women do it all the time. By making sure you are FULLY satisfied even if he isn't in the mood is a loving thing to do.


I think that, at least in this instance, he might have realised how upset I was about the whole issue and that I wouldn't be able to be satisfied this time. Even if he had tried to stimulate me, I doubt I could have thought about anything other than how unattractive I felt. I didn't even masturbate afterward. It's probably quite reasonable that he didn't do anything to me sexually after that (though I'd have appreciated it if he tried to comfort me verbally).


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Have you had a really serious heart to heart with him about this? I don't mean just mention it lightly, I mean explain that this is intolerable and not what you wanted for marriage.

How does he explain the difference? Ask for his complete and utter truth. Even if it's something he may not want to tell you, he must. He owes it to you and himself to be honest. You will listen. 

Then see what he says.


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## Carmen98 (May 24, 2017)

Satya said:


> Have you had a really serious heart to heart with him about this? I don't mean just mention it lightly, I mean explain that this is intolerable and not what you wanted for marriage.


We haven't, no. I've brought it up in passing a few times and he's always seemed so uncomfortable and apologetic that I drop it. I don't want to pressure him into anything and would feel horrible if I did. And what if our conversation led to him feeling more anxious and aversive about sex stuff? I'm a bit scared of what would come out of it.

Do you really think I need to do this? Do you have any advice for how I should handle the talk?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@Carmen98, I'm not sure why you would want to avoid addressing this in the first place. It's important enough to you to make a forum post and ask advice from Internet strangers, yet you are uncomfortable bringing the issue to the very person who can give you the answers you need. 

Honesty and facing /confronting challenges is a part of marriage. Yes, I do think you need to have this talk, because we can all offer a variety of speculation, but you stand a better opportunity by trying to get the truth from the source. Just my opinion.


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## kenyaone (Jan 26, 2017)

Yes, need to engage him in heart to heart talk. This is essential to make him understand your frustrations and this could push him work his way out to remedy the situation. Caution don't be combative while approaching him

Sent from my TECNO-H3 using Tapatalk


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I may go this well too often, but before I married my first wife, she wa insatiable. I had to hold her off with a stick. After we moved in together, I noticed a change, but when we got married. I think I remember the conception date for my two boys.

Turned out she was gay...


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Also, please do not think this is a trivial issue.

Your statement: "Honestly, I feel stupid for being this hurt by something that I fear looks trivial."

Perhaps you know it is not trivial, and just fear we, the internet strangers, to steal a phrase, think it looks trivial. I am sure we do not think it looks trivial. I hope it does not look trivial to you.

I wonder, if you were immigrating, and not living together, how could you have been having sex so often? You would not have had much opportunity, really. Yes, on days you were together, but if you didn't live together, then there were times you weren't together. You get the idea. So before you moved in together you had sex a lot during the times you were together, but how often did that average out to if you include the days, hours, whatever, that you were not together?

No idea if it could have anything to do with anything, but it struck me that the frequency and periodicity may be related. When you two only had limited opportunity he was voracious, and wanted it often. When it is always available he has lost interest. That sort of idea.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

This doesn't necessarily mean anything, but the word "pretty" doesn't exactly scream "sexually attracted", to me.

I don't think I've ever called anyone "pretty" in my life. That's a word you use to compliment somebody's baby, or a nice photo, or a white sand beach at sunset. Or a photo of a baby on a white sand beach at sunset.

It's the equivalent of you women calling a guy "cute", as opposed to "hot" or "gorgeous". It doesn't mean sexy.



Carmen98 said:


> He says he's still attracted to me and complements my appearance reasonably often (a few times a week). I think I can believe him that he finds me pretty. I don't know if it's that he has started to not see "pretty" as meaning "sexy" anymore, or something.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Does he look at porn? You must sit down together and ask him straight out why he was insatiable before and isn't interested now. You need honesty here.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I have noticed some men are insatiable when not living together because they don't know when they'll have the chance to have sex again, but lose interest when it is regularly available. Maybe he's not naturally high drive, but situationally high drive and the situation has changed.

I have also noticed some men feel very masculine and insatiable when they are doing the pursuing. Could he feel emasculated because the roles have reversed?

Whatever the cause, sexual dissatisfaction is NOT a trivial issue and it can and has lead to divorce and/ or affairs in the worst case and miserable decades in the " best case". If you can't discuss it openly and honestly between yourselves, maybe a sex therapist would help.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> *I have noticed some men are insatiable when not living together because they don't know when they'll have the chance to have sex again, but lose interest when it is regularly available.* Maybe he's not naturally high drive, but situationally high drive and the situation has changed.
> 
> *I have also noticed some men feel very masculine and insatiable when they are doing the pursuing. *


Lord, I read porn, depression, whether he's having an affair but first thing that popped into my head was at some point the pursuer became the "hunted" and suddenly sex on tap wasn't that appealing anymore.

Man are somewhat socially conditioned to chase, yes there's always the fantasy of the horny blonde/brunette and yes if sex where offered on tap most guys would jump at it. And yet most men do not like to be continually dominated and used just for sex (even with love involved)..yes there's a gender bias and yes not fair but he probably doesn't see it as an equal relationship, he's almost become desensitized to it all.

Not the OP's fault, but a discussion needs to be had to clear the air albeit the discussion will need to be delicate as not to seem to attack his sense of manhood but in a very adult sense everybody needs to be clear and honest and work the best way to move forward.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

peacem said:


> Depression? Anxiety? Any resentment?
> 
> This isn't a medical opinion from me but I would be questioning the *melatonin* and whilst he is at it he needs to get his testosterone levels checked.
> 
> I don't get why you are doing all the work and yet he didn't meet you half way to ensure YOU were satisfied. If he keeps doing that he will eventually lose you. There is nothing wrong with one sided sex - women do it all the time. By making sure you are FULLY satisfied even if he isn't in the mood is a loving thing to do.


Yes, the melatonin.

His *tone* and demeanor is getting more *mellow*.
.......................................................................................................................................
Some look-fors:

Some may be pertinent others being untrue...

Look for porn use.

Look for closet tendencies of the opposite sex.

Look for buyers remorse. He realized you are not what he wanted.

Look for he married you for sex, not for compatibility. The sex is now not new. And he is bored with you.

Look for him finding a side piece.

Look for a past lover giving him doubts.

Look for some health issue. Maybe T related...too soon for it to plummet, unless testicular cancer, or brain cancer affecting the limbic or hypothalmus part of the brain. 

Look for issues with his liver [chemistry] function as it relates to free testosterone. His total T may be good, his free T is bound up with other compounds [not free].

Look for issues that affect the Pineal gland. Hence the Melotonin prescription. This gland affects the sleep/awake cycle. Is he lethargic?

Look for spectrum disorder. High functioning Asbergers, for example. 

*Look for depression...this is likely the prime cause.*

Look for a new husband....hopefully this is not needed.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Did things change suddenly when you got married, or more slowly? 

Any change in your sexual behavior - do you still do the things that you used to do? Is there anything sexual he wants to do that you don't (whether or not its a reasonable thing for him to want). 

Any chance of bipolar disorder? Any other unusual behavior on his part?

There are men with little interest in sex, but a change like this is unusual. I think its much less common for men but it could be a bait / switch where he pretended to enjoy sex until you got married. 

In any case its a huge problem that will make you miserable if you can't find a solution.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Has he had his testosterone levels checks and his prostate examined? If he lacks sexual desire this is a more serious problem. If he could get or maintain an erection that would be relatively easy to address. Send him to his doctor specifically to address he sudden and dramatic loss of sexual desire.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Now that he has you, perhaps the thrill of the chase is gone? (Dogs chase cars, and may even catch one - but have you ever seen a dog driving the car? Poor analogy, but sort of related.) You MUST talk to him about this, because it seems like nothing will change without action, and maybe counseling. Something has changed about his attitude or feelings for you, and even he may not understand what or why this is.


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## Carmen98 (May 24, 2017)

I went to sleep after my most recent response and am shocked to see this much advice this morning. Thank you!



kenyaone said:


> Yes, need to engage him in heart to heart talk. This is essential to make him understand your frustrations and this could push him work his way out to remedy the situation. Caution don't be combative while approaching him


You guys have convinced me that I do need to be direct. But how can I avoid seeming combative? I want him to understand that I don't blame him for the problem but just want to find a way to a solution.



WilliamM said:


> I wonder, if you were immigrating, and not living together, how could you have been having sex so often? You would not have had much opportunity, really. Yes, on days you were together, but if you didn't live together, then there were times you weren't together. You get the idea. So before you moved in together you had sex a lot during the times you were together, but how often did that average out to if you include the days, hours, whatever, that you were not together?
> 
> No idea if it could have anything to do with anything, but it struck me that the frequency and periodicity may be related. When you two only had limited opportunity he was voracious, and wanted it often. When it is always available he has lost interest. That sort of idea.


This might be the case. Before, we used to be together for weeks at a time (both in the USA and my home country), but it was periodic. While it was extremely frequent during the times we were together, it may average to once every two or three days when taken over the whole period (still more frequent than now, though). Since moving in together for good, there's been no concern about me leaving. It would be very disappointing if this is the case, though. I love that he's always around now and that I see him constantly but, if that same fact has killed his interest in having sex with me, it's hard to imagine anything sadder. However, if it's true, then I have to confront the truth rather than wish it away.



MJJEAN said:


> I have also noticed some men feel very masculine and insatiable when they are doing the pursuing. Could he feel emasculated because the roles have reversed?


I would not expect this to be what happened, since I only started pursuing after he stopped. I don't like being in this role either - I want to be pursued! On the other hand, maybe what happened is that his low sex drive was originally just a short dip that I prolonged by switching roles and emasculating him? Or maybe several of these things are true and they all added up.



MJJEAN said:


> If you can't discuss it openly and honestly between yourselves, maybe a sex therapist would help.


While this sounds helpful, we are financially constrained right now, as we're newlyweds and I just completed immigration. If necessary, I can wait this out until we have the money to go to counseling.



uhtred said:


> Did things change suddenly when you got married, or more slowly?
> 
> Any change in your sexual behavior - do you still do the things that you used to do? Is there anything sexual he wants to do that you don't (whether or not its a reasonable thing for him to want).


It seemed pretty sudden to me. He initiated sex with me on the day we moved in together, then again three days later, and then there was nothing until I initiated a whole week later. Since then, with one exception, we've been in the current situation where I do the initiating. The only exception is that one night, out of the blue, he was feeling sexually aggressive and dominating, which I loved. But after that he went back to lacking interest.

In terms of how my own behaviour has changed - mostly that I now do the initiating. I perform oral sex on him far more than I used to, because I'm trying to get him in the mood, but other than that we do what we did before. I'm not aware of any fetishes he'd like to try with me that he hasn't already. We are usually very open about our fantasies and I've yet to hear about one I'd turn him down on.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

Have an open and honest discussion about this ASAP. The longer you wait, the built up frustration, resentment, and anger will fester and be much worse than it is right now. Trust me on this. You two have to get control of this situation now.

One possibility is that even though you're newlyweds, you've been together for a couple of years. The 'honeymoon' period may be over. Relationships require much more than just sex to thrive. That's why relationships struggle once the newness wears off. You have to figure out what does it for each other and grow a mature, loving relationship together. Sex is important, but it should be icing on an already great cake.


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> Now that he has you, perhaps the thrill of the chase is gone? (Dogs chase cars, and may even catch one - but have you ever seen a dog driving the car? Poor analogy, but sort of related.) You MUST talk to him about this, because it seems like nothing will change without action, and maybe counseling. Something has changed about his attitude or feelings for you, and even he may not understand what or why this is.


Married But Happy's comment may be spot on but for other reasons than vehicular hit and run...I've linked info about the Madonna-***** Complex issue. Take a read and see if this sounds like your guy's problem. 

And, no I wouldn't rush off to counseling. Most are quacks and/or fall into a "physician heal thyself" classification. (I did write a post about the constant TAM predilection for seemingly advising counseling or therapy for everything including ingrown toenails.) 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madonna–*****_complex

Ah, the TAM nanny has placed asterisks in place of the common term for a lady of ill fame. The term with five letters that begins with a "W" and ends with an "E"


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I wonder if you were to go on a vacation home for a week or two how he would treat you once you arrived back.

Although the idea that now you two have moved in together could be the the reason his behavior changed is certainly a strong possibility. He has caught you now. You are no longer the alluring chase object. That idea has a lot of validity.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Just one additional comment: "Madonna-***** complex"

In psychoanalytic literature, a Madonna–wh#re complex is the inability to maintain sexual arousal within a committed, loving relationship. 

It is not unheard of. You are his wife. His family, your family, all your common friends know you are his wife and he now views you as "wife" not girlfriend and lover.

You need to work on becoming his wife in public and his lover behind closed doors.

Good luck


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## jmo (May 23, 2017)

Sounds like he needs a wake up call. Take control of the situation. Tell him where your at and the next time he says, "..it doesn't feel
like much of anything" STOP, run a bubble bath and tell him, "fine, I can do a better job on my own". Don't turn into the 'I don't understand' needy, clingy cliche or the paranoid check his phone, laptop, email desperado. Love yourself enough to state your worth. You may not like it if your intuition was correct and the other shoe does drop. Good luck.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

This is really mysterious. If the genders were reversed I'd call "bait and switch", where a woman has lots of sex to get a man, then stops once she gets the ring. Does anyone know of men doing this? 

It just sounds like nothing else has changed. 

Some people have suggested porn use - but it would seem strange for that to start suddenly now that they were emarried. 


OP, you need to talk to him, but not confrontationally. Tell him that you love him and desire him. Ask if there is anything you can do. Try to find out what is going on.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Stop giving him oral sex. He should be giving you oral sex. Turn off the internet in your house. Unplug the router and hide it somewhere. Treat him like a child and tell him "no internet for you until you get me off 3 times".


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Carmen,

You sound relatively young and I am guessing your husband is also. Well, young men to not lose all their testosterone so quickly and you haven't even been married long enough for "resentment" over paperwork would or should have any impact. If he was insatiable before, there is a reason he is not chasing you around the house.

What you are describing does not sound like ED so I am doubting he has prostrate problems either. Something is going on in his head because you are the same you that he could not keep his penis away from a short time ago.

If he is on no medications, you need to sit down and have a heart to heart and I don't think you need to sugar coat it. If this was an ED problem, the pressure would be a negative, but if he is not having erection problems when you are at it, then you can take off the kid gloves.

Now, I am going to say this gently. If you were a man telling us your wife had lost interest and never initiated or was never present during sex, I guarantee that there would be a suggestion that there could be infidelity involved. I am hoping and not suggesting that it is likely but if you read this forum for a while there is absolutely nothing that is not possible.

So first start with the talk. Next step is to drag his ass to a sex therapist. And if he refuses that this persists, sit him down and tell him you think you should open your marriage up so that you can feel wanted and desired. If that does not get his attention ( even if you would never do that), then you really have a problem. 

The reason you need to address this right away is because if this continues long term, you will start building the kind of resentment that will lead you to looking outside the marriage. 

Now get to work and hopefully you will have him chasing you around the house again shortly.


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