# Mate guarding



## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

I am watching a thread unfold on reddit right now, and the subject of mate guarding came up.

Somebody posted this as a response:



> Since you insist on normalizing this behavior by calling it a 'boundary'; let me help you with some more useful medical terms:
> 
> https://mainweb-v.musc.edu/vawprevention/research/defining.shtml (see 'Social Isolation' section)
> 
> ...


What say you? The OP gets nervous/upset that his wife is texting other guys (so has OSF's apparently). He doesn't like that. A couple of guys say it is natural, one brings up mate guarding. This poster starts point to signs of abuse.

Thoughts?

Reddit link:

I [26 M] have been married to her [26 F] for 7 years, but it still bothers me when she talks to other men... : relationships


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Depends on the nature of the conversations that she's having w/ other men.

And yes, there is a HUGE difference between mate guarding and social isolation.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

How far is it running for vs against her continuing to text dudes?


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

weightlifter said:


> How far is it running for vs against her continuing to text dudes?


2 people saying that what he is feeling is normal. 1 of those 2 brought up mate guarding and saying that he wouldn't want his wife texting guys because of all the horror stories in the infidelity sub. 1 guy jumped on that guy and it culminated in what I posted above.

It seems to be a rather dead post by reddit standards, but I saw mate guarding and thought it interesting.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

He can dislike it. That's his right. He can't force her to stop. He can only let her know it bothers him and that he is going to see what he can learn about his feelings. Then, he can go see a counselor and an attorney and make plans to leave and divorce. He may not be able to live with that kind of communication between his wife and another man(friend or whatever), and he doesn't have to live with it.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

I had a discussion with my gf. She was texting someone who she knew in college and they were just catching up with who what where now.... Then they talk about something and he makes a pass at her... 

I catch wind of it and I let her have it. I don't yell at her or anything. I tell her about proper boundaries and how they need to be set and maintained all the time.

Her next text to him was about how she was now engaged to me. Proper boundaries always need to be set.

In a heterogeneous friendship, there is always one that wants more than just to be friends, and they will only be friends until the time when they feel like an opportunity has opened. I am not saying 100% of the time this is true, but 99.9%...

How many guys will text unattractive girls for fun? I am going to say 0. If a guy is texting a girl and they are sharing fun times, then I am going to say he wants to be more than friends and he is invading that personal bond between the wife and the husband. 

Or I can pretend unicorns fart gold dust.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> He can dislike it. That's his right. He can't force her to stop. He can only let her know it bothers him and that he is going to see what he can learn about his feelings. Then, he can go see a counselor and an attorney and make plans to leave and divorce. He may not be able to live with that kind of communication between his wife and another man(friend or whatever), and he doesn't have to live with it.


I disagree. He can force her to stop. I had this with my gf. I think it's inappropriate and I told her you can keep texting this guy or we can be together... It was her choice. Good fences make good neighbors.

I explained my point of view. I used fact and logic and the fact the guy hit on her just sewed it up. 

I can honestly say I cannot think of a time where a guy would be constantly texting a girl he wasn't flirting with.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> I had a discussion with my gf. She was texting someone who she knew in college and they were just catching up with who what where now.... Then they talk about something and he makes a pass at her...
> 
> I catch wind of it and I let her have it. I don't yell at her or anything. I tell her about proper boundaries and how they need to be set and maintained all the time.
> 
> ...


Ha ha, that last line made me laugh 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

altawa said:


> What say you? The OP gets nervous/upset that his wife is texting other guys (so has OSF's apparently). He doesn't like that. A couple of guys say it is natural, one brings up mate guarding. This poster starts point to signs of abuse.
> 
> Thoughts?


Jealousy is not a curse word and neither is mate guarding. Some people go overboard with both and become controlling. In the opposite direction a lot of people feel entitled to act like they're single when they aren't and they throw around terms like mate guarding to shame their partner.

If that guy was at TAM posting, I'd tell him that I wouldn't like my wife texting men and it wouldn't take very long for me to tell her to make her choices. The part most of these guys don't get though it that is actually is her choice once a boundary is set. Seems like everyone tries to force others to accept boundaries rather than just setting them and reacting if they aren't respected.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

Thundarr said:


> Jealousy is not a curse word and neither is mate guarding. Some people go overboard with both and become controlling. In the opposite direction a lot of people feel entitled to act like they're single when they aren't and they throw around terms like mate guarding to shame their partner.
> 
> If that guy was at TAM posting, I'd tell him that I wouldn't like my wife texting men and it wouldn't take very long for me to tell her to make her choices. The part most of these guys don't get though it that is actually is her choice once a boundary is set. Seems like everyone tries to force others to accept boundaries rather than just setting them and reacting if they aren't respected.


That's pretty much my outlook on it too.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I found out my wife was e-mailing an Ex from high school, just benign catching up, but I didn't like it and insisted that it end. It did end but there was a week or so of not speaking. Sorry, but I wouldn't have done anything differently, even if might have cost me my marriage. I don't want my wife to have personal relationships with other men.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm sorry, I can't imagine upsetting my hb for some high school ex and "benign" communication.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

In many ways I was dealing with this..

I tried every rational way to deal with it ( with the assistance of my therapist ), but only walking out fixed part of the problem..

It then transformed into being told about guys hitting on her.. 

Yet again it took walking away to finally sort of fix that or at least she finally understands it was all wrong..

You can read my last few post in my own thread in my signature labeled mymistake to get what is going on.. 

Nutshell, as MovingAhead said all the guy friends wanted to be the new boyfriend after I left.. 

I'm angry that this is how it needed to be validated but at least it all came out.. and I WAS RIGHT


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> I found out my wife was e-mailing an Ex from high school, just benign catching up, but I didn't like it and insisted that it end.* It did end but there was a week or so of not speaking*. Sorry, but I wouldn't have done anything differently, even if might have cost me my marriage. I don't want my wife to have personal relationships with other men.


She didn't talk to you for a week?

Wow. That wouldn't sit well with me and would change my opinion of her.


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## frankman (Sep 23, 2014)

The Middleman said:


> I found out my wife was e-mailing an Ex from high school, just benign catching up, but I didn't like it and insisted that it end. It did end but there was a week or so of not speaking. Sorry, but I wouldn't have done anything differently, even if might have cost me my marriage. I don't want my wife to have personal relationships with other men.


You live by the same rules? Did you ask her how she would feel if you were texting some hot woman?


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

frankman said:


> You live by the same rules? Did you ask her how she would feel if you were texting some hot woman?


lol.. and feel free to text me. i am a female unicorn who farts gold dust.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> I found out my wife was e-mailing an Ex from high school, just benign catching up, but I didn't like it and insisted that it end. It did end but there was a week or so of not speaking. Sorry, but I wouldn't have done anything differently, even if might have cost me my marriage. I don't want my wife to have personal relationships with other men.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Being the recipient of boundaries might feel indifferent, insulting, or embarrassing at first so maybe it took her a week to wrap her thoughts around it. A week of her being standoff-ish wouldn't phase me or make me think negative about her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The 1st thing that came to mind when I saw the threat title "mate guarding" was a brand name for a chastity device.

Threadjack over!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

A husband is supposed to be man enough to protect his marriage if he has the chance. He is supposed to be c0ck blocking.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> A husband is supposed to be man enough to protect his marriage if he has the chance. He is supposed to be c0ck blocking.


In light of other topics I've been thinking about, why isn't it her responsibility to make sure she turns the guy away, first? Then, and only after she has attempted and makes it known loudly and publicly, should he step in to do some real blocking and offensive maneuvering. Or, are you saying he should always stand between a man and his wife who are talking, give him the stink eye, and make comments about his lack of manhood? I'd like to learn and understand when, where and how it's done in the best manner, cause I can punch a guy in the throat if I think he's out of line, but I think that's a bit over-the-top.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> In light of other topics I've been thinking about, why isn't it her responsibility to make sure she turns the guy away, first? Then, and only after she has attempted and makes it known loudly and publicly, should he step in to do some real blocking and offensive maneuvering.


It seems this simple, but it is not. IMO Women are taught not to offend and men are taught to defend. I do not know how many women, in my multiple decades of life, who have put up with downright vulgar actions, flirting and innuendos in a hope not to be embarrassed or offend someone. No, it hasn't changed as I see younger women doing the same things.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> In light of other topics I've been thinking about, why isn't it her responsibility to make sure she turns the guy away, first? Then, and only after she has attempted and makes it known loudly and publicly, should he step in to do some real blocking and offensive maneuvering. Or, are you saying he should always stand between a man and his wife who are talking, give him the stink eye, and make comments about his lack of manhood? I'd like to learn and understand when, where and how it's done in the best manner, cause I can punch a guy in the throat if I think he's out of line, but I think that's a bit over-the-top.


Most definitely a wife is also supposed to have her boundaries up as well. No, you aren't supposed to punch some guy in the throat over looks or words, that's assault. Self defense is a different matter.


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

My case was ironic. I very successfully mate guarded for years. When we were young if a dude hit on my wife, and many did, they'd always get a meeting from me. A co-worker once was trying to drive the lane hard. I showed up one day and had a talk with him in the parking lot. He quit that day and we never heard from him again. Very wise. Anyway, years go by and I become more mature, more "evolved", more intellectual. I trusted my wife with my life, sure was the most trustworthy person I knew. If she wasn't somewhere where she was supposed to be I didn't question because she would never lie to me. Well, she was lying and she was cheating. Good lesson fellas and ladies. Mate guard. BTW, we are in R and we have discussed this going forward and I said I'll be back to my old self in regards to this subject and she said she missed that. It was a sign to her how much I loved her and wanted to shield her from the creeps of the world. Mate guard people, mate guard!


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> lordmayhem said:
> 
> 
> > A husband is supposed to be man enough to protect his marriage if he has the chance. He is supposed to be c0ck blocking.
> ...


Can't like this one enough. I think there is a difference between a SO/spouse getting hit on by someone and giving you a "help me" look and you stand up for them. It's a different matter when they play into it with the intention of seeing if you will step in. That's a **** test I don't particularly like. Why test those grounds when in today's day and age people go to jail for fvcking other people up for talking to their SO? I don't like that game at all. Don't put me on the spot like that on purpose, it's disrespectful.


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

TheGoodGuy said:


> Can't like this one enough. I think there is a difference between a SO/spouse getting hit on by someone and giving you a "help me" look and you stand up for them. It's a different matter when they play into it with the intention of seeing if you will step in. That's a **** test I don't particularly like. Why test those grounds when in today's day and age people go to jail for fvcking other people up for talking to their SO? I don't like that game at all. Don't put me on the spot like that on purpose, it's disrespectful.


I agree. I guess I didn't think about this during my post. I stepped in only when my wife told me about it and said it was bothering her. We've always shared when we got hit on with each other.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

KingwoodKev said:


> We've always shared when we got hit on with each other.


Honestly, You may have shared all, I bet she was selective.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Honestly, You may have shared all, I bet she was selective.


That's on her. He can only defend what she wants him to defend, when it comes to her. If he had defended and she didn't want it, he'd have been an overbearing controlling bully husband. If he didn't defend her and she wanted him to, he'd have been cheating or have fallen out of love. He could never have been right once she made up her mind.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> phillybeffandswiss said:
> 
> 
> > Honestly, You may have shared all, I bet she was selective.
> ...


I hate that feeling of 'no correct move'. But I've learned that if that's the choice, it's likely a **** test and I need to be more confident and decisive.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

TheGoodGuy said:


> I hate that feeling of 'no correct move'. But I've learned that if that's the choice, it's likely a **** test and I need to be more confident and decisive.


I don't know what to do in this type of situation. I've not had success with either walking away and talking to another woman, which my heart wasn't in and she probably knew, or telling her I wanted to go someplace else. The third option would have been to leave her there to find a way home on her own or call when she was ready to leave, without telling her more than that I would be back later. That may have been very shocking and dangerous for her, although, she would likely have been having a wonderful time, so why would it have been dangerous? Sorry for the run one sentence.

I think the bottom line is, she didn't want me, so it didn't matter what I did. It was too late already.


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## Voltaire2013 (Sep 22, 2013)

lordmayhem said:


> A husband is supposed to be man enough to protect his marriage if he has the chance. He is supposed to be c0ck blocking.


Interesting. For a majority of my life I was the poster boy of Mister Nice Guy. Always friend zoned, but the guy they called up at 2am when sh1t went south. After I got married not much changed, I've listened to too many women complaining about their jealous boyfriends (usually about me picking them up at 2am like the beta orbiter I was) and took it to heart. Wouldn't be that guy, wouldn't act jealous, etc.

One nite my wife, a mutual friend with a player history & I went out after some beer league softball. I got called away by my (insert whatever)PD Mom. Told her I'd be back soon after I was done dealing with whatever calamity my Mother threw my way. 

I came back about 2 hours later and she's not there. Trouble making coworker is, states my wife and said friend were all cozy and then left. I drinks me several shots of bad life choices and go looking. Home? Nope. His house! Nope. Work parking lot as he had work truck? Nope. Back to home and my heart is pounding. And this from a guy who acted like he was never jealous, never cared. I try his house once more and the work truck is there but not wife's car.

I head home and no one there. I had this overwhelming feeling of dread and went inside and just started packing my essentials. As I'm doing so she strolls in acting non chalant about the evening. I blow my fuse. Start asking all sorts of awkward questions, still packing my things. As far as I'm concerned, it happened and I'm leaving, destination to be determined. 

It turns out she dropped him off and got coffee. As evidenced by, umm, coffee. She also called me a couple times which I would have known if I didn't leave my phone in my car. I had a bag packed and suddenly felt like quite a silly goose and worried about how she'd react to it all. She was happy. Happy that I cared like that, happy that I'd chase her to see what was happening and put my foot down. She stated my previous indifferent attitude concerned her at times, and my lack of jealousy made her feel unwanted, like a trophy. 

We had a good long chat and have never put either in situation like that again. 

Mate guarding is not jealousy when done for the right reasons. It's making sure the ones you love are safe. 

Cheers,
V(13)


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

altawa said:


> I am watching a thread unfold on reddit right now, and the subject of mate guarding came up.
> 
> Somebody posted this as a response:
> 
> ...


This is reddit.

I've already been banned from r/relationships .....twice.

It's a crapload of entitled twentysomethings that have been dating for a couple of years and think they have the answers to the universes greatest puzzles.

There's no hope for anyone who posts a thread over there.

There is one rule for anyone sensible about reddit.

If you truly want meaningful rational real world advice or conversation scroll to the very bottom of any thread to find the posts that have been downvoted into oblivion.

That's where the wisdom hides on reddit.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Did everyone from here go over there and downvote the living hell out of the idiots?

I'm asking because that thread is an enigma on Reddit.

The two most sensible replies are at the top and everything else is either downvoted or deleted.

Weird.


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