# Children....



## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

Splitting up a child like a commodity is the most gut wrenching experience.

How in the hell do you go from seeing your child everyday, to have days at a time not seeing them?

This is going to crush me more than losing my marriage. It is so entirely morally against everything that I stand for..

Just want to know how you all deal with this..

Thank you all!


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Traggy......there is no easy way to deal with it....I've been doing it for four months and it still crushes me. All I've tried to do is just focus on them when I have them. When I don't have them I call them in the morning and at night. I tell them I love them every chance I can, hug and kiss them. My kids know I'm doing the best. This is the thing I resent my wife for the most, splitting up the family. But as I've learned, kids are resilient, sometimes even more so than the adults. Good luck my brother, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughter tonight. She has a great dad, take all your love and focus, and just pour it out on her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## njdad (Mar 29, 2012)

Amen.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

I struggle with this too. 

In marriage, we could see the children anytime we wanted. Now, we can't. And we all know the spontaneity with children. We will miss some of that.

Children do appreciate the willingness of parents being interactive in their lives, regardless of the situation. Providing the love and support, I think, makes up for the situation between mom and dad.

And then...children grow up. They go through phases when they don't want to be around mom and dad. And eventually, they move away.

Just things to consider. Appreciate every moment. Take pictures. Hug and kiss your child(ren). Smile. Be with them. These are the actions that will get everyone through this difficult time.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I have found this is the most gruelling part of it all (and I only have one child). Not only do you no longer see them everyday, but when you do see them you are the lone parent the whole time. There is no walks to the park as a "family" anymore, you don't have two parents involved in every moment of their child's life you take turns swapping as the only parent then have to coordinate parental communication in phone/text messages or emails never face to face in real time. It is emotionally draining, I find.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

Same experience as everyone else, here. I'm a year into this and I'm finally to a breaking point where I am finally forcing myself to get a life. It is tough. It is one of the most grueling things I've ever had to go through. I have found myself sitting around doing nothing when I didn't have my child and I recognized that I have to stop doing that. 

So, I signed up for dance classes, I work a lot, and I work out nonstop so that I'm so tired at night I cannot stay awake. Problem is none of those things are as satisfying as spending time with my child, but they are all better than sitting around the house by myself. If I don't do this then I stay awake at night chasing bunnies in my thoughts. Either this route for me or become an alcoholic.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Paradise said:


> Same experience as everyone else, here. I'm a year into this and I'm finally to a breaking point where I am finally forcing myself to get a life. It is tough. It is one of the most grueling things I've ever had to go through. I have found myself sitting around doing nothing when I didn't have my child and I recognized that I have to stop doing that.
> 
> So, I signed up for dance classes, I work a lot, and I work out nonstop so that I'm so tired at night I cannot stay awake. Problem is none of those things are as satisfying as spending time with my child, *but they are all better than sitting around the house by myself. If I don't do this then I stay awake at night chasing bunnies in my thoughts. Either this route for me or become an alcoholic.[/*QUOTE]
> 
> I know these choices well. I am still working up enough strength to be able to be comfortable by myself at my own place at nights without the children. It is a battle to do it without alcohol. At this time, I have no friends to hang out with.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

You know when I don't have my kids I've found myself trying to be more active. Go for long walks, push ups, sit ups, work out with dumbbells, etc. I bought a basketball to shoot hoops. I was playing a lot of video games, but I try to save that for after my workout now.


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

I honestly will have more than enough things to do. The problem is feeling guilty for going out and having a good time for me. 

I am struggling with the fact that I am going to need personal growth throughout this process. I am going to need me time and I can not feel help but feel guilty because me time means time spent away from my daughter. 

I don't know, I hate leaving the house. It just feels wrong. I should be there with my family, not watching a ballgame. It stings. I need to get away though. I can not stand to be in the same room as my stbxw. I try to always leave with my daughter.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

While still in the process of the split, I completely agree this is by far the most difficult part of the process in every way and one I cannot come to terms with. So unfair, not what I want, but no real options. I've come to grips with being without my stbxw, but being without my son for days and days at a time is almost too much to take. It frankly keeps me more resentful of her and her A than probably anything else...

It is my hope to spend a bit of my new "alone time" preparing and planning for the time I _will _have with my son, to optimize that time together when we have it.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Not to dump more on us, but we all have to be ready:

Probably soon, or eventually, there will be another man in our stbxw's lives.

I don't know what the particulars will be, and I hope my stbxw is prudent about introducing another man to them, but....


What stings me now is that_ any _new man will get to spend any amount of time around or with my children! I feel rage even thinking about it.

And another thing to consider. Once all our co-parenting/custody arrangements have been agreed to and settled, the other man may/will be around our children the remaining amount of time we aren't with them, especially if new guy moves in!

That is maddening and too much to consider, but, we should be mentally prepared and hopefully mature enough to handle it if/when it occurs.


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

I already have been coming to grips with that Jay. It is BS. She already has a new man and he is going to be around. Hence the old adultery.

God help me.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

@ Traggy and Jayb

It was hard enough getting use to not being with my child. My ex moved in with her affair partner less than 6 months after the divorce was final. Of course she justified it as all my fault. Freaking amazing. They are getting married soon. 

I am still amazed at how everything transpired. It is seriously unbelievable to me. But, I put one foot in front of the other and move on. Like many of you have said, the easy part is dealing with the ex and the emotions that come from that. I just don't want my child around that POS. 

I will admit, this entire ordeal has brought my child and myself much closer. I know a lot of guys who just got worn out and packed their bags and left their kids. No way am I going to do that. My ex will just have to suffer with me being around for good in my child's life. I'm going no where. May not get to see the kid every day but that is just about all I have left.


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

Hell yeah Paradise.

That is a so true man and I am right there with you. She will never drive me away from my daughter with her antics.

You are a true father and a man. Do not ever forget that. That goes to all of you fathers that fight to be in your children's life.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Jayb said:


> Not to dump more on us, but we all have to be ready:
> 
> Probably soon, or eventually, there will be another man in our stbxw's lives.
> 
> ...


You are right. 
I am sorry and I know I will have to deal with it on the other end as well. I must say that my kids already have a running list of what they want for a step father. Please remember that my situation is different than yours... my H chose to leave and walk away from the marriage it wasn't my choice. Be the best dad you can be and be sure that resentment is kept to a minimum. My H 'watches' the kids but doesn't often play w/ them or engage them. My most forgiving child (adult child) has tons of resentment and seems to be done w/ her dad. 

I know he will date (and maybe is) but I am fairly confident that I will have custody and my kids have so much resentment toward him now that I don't feel threatened at all.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Be thankful that it's a joint situation. It sucks for you, but the kids get used to it after a while. My daughter liked the routine (lasted 8 years until her dad moved).

What would be worse, imo, is the spouse who just walks away and has no desire to contact the kids. THAT would be a hell of a lot worse on the kids and on you having to explain why mommy is a deadbeat. Breaks my heart...that's how I grew up.

If there is love, the kids are ok. You will get used to the schedule in time, and you will learn to make the best of it. The way we did it, we saw her every day...either mornings or afterschool. Except sundays when i had her all day.

I wish you peace.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

We are trying a modified every-other-week schedule with our son. We've each gone only a couple of days w/o seeing him at least an hour or two each day, and we always talk to him before bedtime. That's the worst for me. We've read to/with him each night since he was in utero. If one of us was out when he went to bed, we could just go in his room when we got home, re-tuck him in & kiss him good night. Now, if we call when he's doing something with the other parent or is just distracted with the computer or something, it's just a very short call and you hang-up feeling like your only chance for that night was shot. 

I have thought some of the exact things you've posted, Traggy and Jayb. TAM is the first place I've seen other people saying them, too, especially men. The whole attitude every place else seems to be 'get over it,' no matter what 'it' is. I thought I must be weird or some kind of unhealthy parent because not living with my son every day was so traumatic for me. 

I wonder why we are treated like the abnormal ones, and being away from your kids without hurting is looked at as more 'noble' or 'healthy.'


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> We are trying a modified every-other-week schedule with our son. We've each gone only a couple of days w/o seeing him at least an hour or two each day, and we always talk to him before bedtime. That's the worst for me. We've read to/with him each night since he was in utero. If one of us was out when he went to bed, we could just go in his room when we got home, re-tuck him in & kiss him good night. Now, if we call when he's doing something with the other parent or is just distracted with the computer or something, it's just a very short call and you hang-up feeling like your only chance for that night was shot.
> 
> I have thought some of the exact things you've posted, Traggy and Jayb. TAM is the first place I've seen other people saying them, too, especially men. *The whole attitude every place else seems to be 'get over it,' no matter what 'it' is. I thought I must be weird or some kind of unhealthy parent because not living with my son every day was so traumatic for me.
> 
> I wonder why we are treated like the abnormal ones, and being away from your kids without hurting is looked at as more 'noble' or 'healthy.'*




I know of situations like that, but can't understand them. I developed such a close bond with my children. They are my best friends, after being my children. When my wife disengaged and I was unemployed, they were my family. So, to now be physically separated from them pains me. Thankfully, my wife and I both realize what great parents we are, so there is no taking them away from either of us. 

I detest that advice to just get over it. Move on. I'm not like that. I wish I were. Emotional pain seems to hit me harder and closer and the way I deal with it is different from others.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Jayb said:


> Not to dump more on us, but we all have to be ready:
> 
> Probably soon, or eventually, there will be another man in our stbxw's lives.
> 
> ...


_RAGE _is the right word! Gawd yes, what a horrid thought. What's weird for me is that unless it is the OM (which she says she will sign into papers that it won't be), I am fine with her finding another man (especially if he will support her and then I can stop! LOL :rofl. It's my son being with that person that I can't handle.

Another man raising my son, living with him every day, is going to be hell every moment that I think about it. So I can't think about it... which of course just makes me think about it more.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Lon said:


> I have found this is the most gruelling part of it all (and I only have one child). Not only do you no longer see them everyday, but when you do see them you are the lone parent the whole time. There is no walks to the park as a "family" anymore, you don't have two parents involved in every moment of their child's life you take turns swapping as the only parent then have to coordinate parental communication in phone/text messages or emails never face to face in real time. It is emotionally draining, I find.


I agree with this. It does feel like you`re alone all the time with the kids. I`m trying to do things with friends and their kids more, or with my sister. And the whole communication thing...that sucks too.

But kids do adjust to the routine, my kids used to ask for their dad all the time during the wee, they really missed him. After a couple of months now, they ask me when the weekend is coming, and they understand they will see him soon.


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## 6foot5 (Jun 15, 2011)

Traggy said:


> Splitting up a child like a commodity is the most gut wrenching experience.
> 
> How in the hell do you go from seeing your child everyday, to have days at a time not seeing them?
> 
> ...


Well its been just over 8months for me since the whole bs separation started ...it had been rough at times (it still is sometimes) but it does get better my friend ! At first when my stbx moved out and took my son from me ,I was crushed , didnt know what to do with myself or where to go or who to talk to ...but most importantly I missed my son , all the stunts my ex pulled on me preventing from seeing my son was just horrible. I couldnt sleep , eat , I was constantly worried about my child , it was just a nightmare for good 3months . Not seeing my child for days at the time just like you , was the most difficult experience , but I stood my ground and no matter how much of a btch my ex was I would not give up ...and its paying off ! Now a days I see my son 2-6 times a week ( depending on my work schedule) he is my best friend , believe it or not but we are much closer now than during the family life . When we are together I can 100% concentrate on him , and have a lot of quality time together , after separation I realised how much I really love him , it almost feels like I love him more now than ever before ! (does that sound stupid?) We always doing things , biking , fishing , hiking , antique markets  etc. and he loves doing all those things . During marriage we never had time to do anything together , there was always more important things to do ...trips to the mall 3x a week 6hrs at the time  just because stbx needed to go.

Things will get better for you too ! Just stick with what you believe in , fight for your child and in no time all those worries will dissapear !


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I would also add the the children need your attention with them, when you are with them they deserve all of you, not half of you. The children will understand and recognize the situation for what it is, remember right now it's not quantity it's all about QUALITY of the time spent with each other. 

With my 5 year old daughter, it's been more important to keep reassuring her that I'm still going to always be in her life. Reassure your son that you will be there for him no matter what.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

Nothing to add that hasn't been said really other than both my IC and friends who have been through D have taught me that my kids will ALWAYS know that I am DAD, nobody else. That they will always know I love them and will love me. No OM can change that no matter what. I grew up without a Dad like Thatgirl and it is much much worse than having two parents who love you.

Oh, and I have to agree. Losing her is one thing but losing my babies 1/2 of the time is the worst part of all of this. 

I will never forget the first night without them. No words to express how horrible that felt.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

6foot5 said:


> Not seeing my child for days at the time just like you , was the most difficult experience , but I stood my ground and no matter how much of a btch my ex was I would not give up ...and its paying off ! Now a days I see my son 2-6 times a week ( depending on my work schedule) he is my best friend , believe it or not but we are much closer now than during the family life . When we are together I can 100% concentrate on him , and have a lot of quality time together , after separation I realised how much I really love him , it almost feels like I love him more now than ever before ! (does that sound stupid?) We always doing things , biking , fishing , hiking , antique markets  etc. and he loves doing all those things . During marriage we never had time to do anything together , there was always more important things to do ...


This has been the one silver lining in all of this. I also feel closer to my son than ever, and I think I'm a better mom than before, too. I was such a mess because of always being on eggshells around STBXH, that I simply could not relax, have fun, or have time to be the kind of mom I always wanted to be. Now, as my self-confidence is growing, the eggshells are gone, and my spontaneity is coming back, my son and I are doing more together than we ever have. AND, more importantly, I _want_ to do more with him -- I'm not so exhausted that everything seems overwhelming. 

Try to make the most of the time you have as a sole parent. When I first started, I felt guilty doing things like grocery shopping, housecleaning, etc., when he was staying with me. But doing 'normal' things is also a really important way to teach your kids and you're still spending time together. Another huge benefit: he's now helping me out around the house more than ever, and before I left, I was having a horrible time getting him to do anything -- in large part, IMO, because STBXH wasn't either, and that was his example for helping Mom out.


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## chocolategeek (Mar 8, 2012)

When I split with my first husband and couldn't see my son, it was like I was dying every time I remembered him. Even more than a year later into the divorce when I couldn't see my son as often as I wanted to, I would have nights where I just cried and screamed into my pillow in agony. It felt like my heart was being ripped apart very, very slowly, day after day, month after month. 

All I can say is that you be a constant presence in your children's lives. Make it known with your actions that you will be there for the littlest things just as much as the major ones. They need new undies or new socks? Buy it with them. They need school supplies for a project? Buy it with them, and help them with the project. They need you to be at an important event? Do everything in your power to be there. It doesn't matter what they need you for. All that matters is that they KNOW that you will be there for them for as long as you live.

During the times when they're not with you, fill your days with positive activities. Don't feel guilty for loving yourself, for having me time, for taking care of you. You owe it to your children to be the best you. As for OM/OW being with the kids, every situation is different and if the divorce is final, then it's really out of our hands. I know how it can drive you nuts just thinking about it. But keep replacing these destructive thoughts with empowering ones--looking forward to being with the kids, planning in detail your next day/s with them, contacting them and getting them excited about being together again. Meanwhile, never ever neglect yourself. Keep taking care of you.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

The OM or OW can never, ever "replace" the father or mother. You will always come first before the step-parent. Just be hopeful that he/she is a good "step-parent" to your child.


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

Thank you all. This is pretty much how I look at the situation. Even though is is complete BS, I just want my baby girl to turn out great.


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

Sorry, my comment belonged in a different thread. My bad.


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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

It truly is very hard, a lot of you are very wise in your comments.

For me it was the fact that I was a stay-at-home dad for most of my children's lives.

I stayed home while she finished school and began a career.

Now I just try and take them when I can.

If one of them needs something, I don't ask questions, I just go buy it, and maybe a duplicate for my house (medication and such).

My stbxw didn't come from a divorced family, I did.

She thinks that the kids will come out totally unaffected. That it will only be tragic if we allow it. 

I somewhat agree with that, but as many of you have said; there is no down time when it's 'your' turn to have them. It's totally unfair to everyone involved.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Be thankful that it's a joint situation. It sucks for you, but the kids get used to it after a while. My daughter liked the routine (lasted 8 years until her dad moved).
> 
> What would be worse, imo, is the spouse who just walks away and has no desire to contact the kids. THAT would be a hell of a lot worse on the kids and on you having to explain why mommy is a deadbeat. Breaks my heart...that's how I grew up.


This is my biggest hangup/fear at the moment. stbxw moved out Saturday and will only have D6 one night/week... by choice. She could change shifts/jobs if she wanted, but won't (works with posOM). She also signed a custody agreement allowing me to move out of state with D6 for family support (I have none here). After that, she'll see D6 "as logistically possible", meaning when she can afford to travel. 

I agreed to pay 25% of travel costs and to bring D6 back to this state for summer "parenting time" (visitation). My daughter will definitely have abandonment issues and it will be very difficult to try to explain without being negative - how do you do that when they walk away?

Right now though, it will be challenging as I work from home and will have D6 24/7, 6 days/wk absent her school hours (when I work). This will leave me only 1 night/wk to focus on me.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

After a while you just become accustomed to it. I've been doing it since my daughter was young, like 9 months old, and she's almost 9 now.

Today I took them to see The Hobbit and their dad met them after. But honestly, during the movie, I never gave one thought to the fact that they would be met afterwards. 

When they're not with me I do things on my own or with friends. I spend time working, but not always. 

I also don't feel obliged to make things perfect for them when they're with me. Like we eat leftovers and I give them a lot of unstructured time. When they're with me on the rare weekend I don't always plan something special, more likely they want to have a play date with their friend/s. Today and yesterday they played with some new kids in the neighborhood, two brothers who got adopted together and the family just moved here from Washington DC. We live on a street where kids can free range  Actually, kids can kind of free range in our town, but maybe when mine are a bit older and I can get them a cell phone...although I've let them go with kids who are more street-worthy, if those kids have phones and know the ropes.

I don't try to get 'a system' I just look ahead and see what's going to work, and then adjust from there. We have a flexible schedule, but the kids go to school locally so during the school week they're with me nights, unless I have something come up, which has happened a couple times this past year.


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

I see this is an old thread but would like to add something. To those that say the kids will be OK....No, no they won't. They may get used to the routine, but they are not OK. 

Mom left when I was 7. I stayed with Dad and he remarried to my evil stepmother. She left when I was 13, even though she was a selfish b****, it was hard, very hard. Things were not OK. Grades went to hell, eventually had to drop out of one of the hardest prep schools in town to get into. By then no amount of psychologists were going to make things OK. 

I had a really hard time getting married and did not willingly have my first child. I loved the first one so much we had another and then things went from bad to worse. I just can't leave. I should, but I just can't do it. Just can't. I have to suck it up and love my children and get along with my wife. The stress and pain will likely make my life shorter but I hope I can make it at least another 10 years until the youngest is 18. 

You do what you have to do and I am not trying to knock anyone for doing what they feel is best for their family. Just don't say the kids will be OK. They won't.


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