# How do you feel about your adult kids living away from home?



## kittykatz

And when I say "away from home", I don't mean like a few minutes down the road.. Im talking more like possibly out of state.... like say 100 miles away or more.

Im just asking because my parents, especially my mom, seem to have a real hard time with accepting their kids living that far away from them. 

For those who don't already know, I moved out of their house when I was around 19... maybe a couple months before I turned 19 to be exact. Anyway, they were always really protective over me and were used to having me there with them. I had 3 brothers, they all still live at home. Never been married, never had kids, never moved out. The oldest is about to turn 33 next month, the second oldest will be turning 31 next month, and the youngest is 20. I know, it isnt everyday that you see someone thats in their 30s still living at home with mom and dad... but what can I say, I have an unusual family. 

So when I moved down to Georgia at almost 19 years old to be with my now husband, I knew it wouldnt be easy for my parents. Simply because of the fact that they had never had to deal with having any of their kids move away or get married... BUT I didnt know it was going to be as hard on them as it was. My mom cried constantly and everytime I talked to her on the phone, she begged me to move back. And a lot of times I felt like she would say things to upset me and cause problems between my husband and I, in hopes that we'd split up and Id move back home. She'd never admit this, but I feel that its true. I tried explaining to her that when your kid is over legal age, its their choice to decide who they want to be with, and where they want to live, and that she needed to just accept it. I was with someone that I loved, someone that made me happy, and I just didnt know why she couldnt be happy for me. My husband had a good paying stable job, he owned his own house, hes hard working, hes loyal, hes extremely generous and kind.... but none of that mattered to her, the only thing she cared about was that he lived in Georgia.

When it was time for my husband and I to get married, we even offered to have the wedding up in north carolina, (which is where Im originally from) so that my parents wouldnt have to drive all the way down to Georgia. It was actually my husbands idea and he thought he was offering to do a nice thing... but my mom didnt like the idea and her exact words were "You might as well just have your wedding in Georgia. If you have it here, its just going to be like a slap in the face to see you drive 500 miles away when the wedding is over." I was like really? Does that make any sense at all?

I got sick of her nagging me about moving back, so eventually I just told her that we might move back there someday but that my husband's job meant a lot to him, and until he was ready to move, I wasn't going to press the issue with him anymore. 

Eventually my husband did decide that he wanted to move, so thats what we did. We are now living in north carolina, which is where Im from originally, about 10 minutes away from my parents house. Im content with living up here, and so is my husband... he has a motorcycle, which is his pride and joy, and he loves riding it through the mountains, which is something that he could never do in Georgia, since mountains are pretty much non existent there.

But still, sometimes I think to myself... As much as I love the mountains, It would be nice to live somewhere near the beach too... We went down to a friend's wedding in Ft Myers Florida not long ago and it was beautiful there... Id love to live somewhere like that.... or even Hawaii. One of my husband's stepsisters is married to a Marine and he just recently get stationed in Hawaii... she posts pictures on Facebook all the time of her in Hawaii and it makes me so jealous because its looks like such a gorgeous place to live. They live literally just a couple miles from the beach. 

But then in the back of my mind, I think to myself, I cant move to Florida or Hawaii.... because if I do, Im going to have to deal with my mom whining and complaining, wanting me to move back home and acting like she cant go on without me. Its almost not even worth it. 

She even said to me before, "you can live wherever you want to, but just wait until after Im dead." 

I remember when I left to move down to Georgia, I was excited because I was finally going to be moving out, getting some independence from them, and most importantly getting to be with my husband... but it kind of ruined my happiness when I saw how devastated my parents were.. and I can only imagine it would be the same way if we moved to Florida or any other place that I would want to live. 

My opinion is, kids grow up, they move away and they start their own families. Their comes a point when you have to stop worrying about what your parents want, and do what makes YOU happy. Yea it sucks not being able to see them whenever I want, but I was talking to them on the phone everyday, and visiting them at least once every couple months. Its not like you have to totally shut someone out of your life just because you dont live right down the road from them. 

I always felt my mom was jealous of my husband's family because we lived way closer to them than we did to my family... and she'd always make comments like "whenever you have kids, theyre not even going to know who we are! All theyll know is their grandparents on their dad's side... they won't hardly ever get to see the grandparents on their mom's side!" Even though i reassured her that if we had kids while living in Georgia, that I would bring them up to visit her as often as I could. Not to mention, there's skype... sure its not as great as seeing someone in person but at least you get to see them... but that just wasnt good enough for her.

I think the main reason my mom hates being away from me is because she fears we will become distant, in the way that she and her mom did... I can understand her feelings but I cant help but to be a little annoyed by it at the same time.

Have any of you ever had a kid move miles away from home? Did you try to talk them out of it or did you just accept it? And also if I do want to move again sometime in the future, do you think its fair that I should have to forget about what makes me happy, just so I can please my parents? I dont want to be insensitive to them and their feelings but I also want to be able to live my life and do what makes me happy.


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## Mavash.

I have young kids but if they wanted to move far away I'd let then go with my blessing. I don't own them and they are free to live wherever they want.

I moved 12 hours away right after I got married (did come back eventually) and my husband is 600 miles from his family.

Neither of us were close to our families so we didn't miss much. Lol


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## ScarletBegonias

My son is still too young for this to be a concern but it wouldn't matter where he chose to live as long as he was living happily and was fulfilled by his choices.
I'd miss him terribly but technology is so great now that it's easy to keep in touch.


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## kittykatz

That's how I think ill feel too whenever I have kids. I would of course prefer that they live near me but who wouldn't? Do you have any daughters? If so, would that make any difference? Because my parents told me that it wouldn't have bothered them as much if one of my brothers had have moved far away... but the reason it killed them when I moved is because Im their only daughter. I get so sick of hearing those words. Growing up, they always sheltered me more than my brothers and theyd say the same thing... "we have to! You're our only daughter!" They said I should like the fact that its like that because it makes me special... which is great and everything but in my opinion, you can love your child more than anything in the world WITHOUT interferring with their personal life once they become of legal age. Actually if you really cared about your child, I would think you would support whatever makes them happy... even if its something that you personally don't agree with. I mean I could understand if my husband was abusive or if he was a bum or something... but like I said, he had a house, a good job.. and most importantly, i knew he sincerely loved me and i loved him. They should have been happy that I was lucky enough to find someone like him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane

Part of growing up is learning not to take on the guilt your parents might dump on you. Your mom's issues are HERS to deal with. It's not right that she guilt-trips you like that about living your own life.

And, frankly, I think it's weird your 33 and 30 year old brothers still live at home and have never lived independently. That will be hard on any girlfriends or wives they ever have, because who can compete with mom that takes care of their every need at home?

When my sister went to college, she moved out of the house and when she graduated, she got her dream job that happened to be 1000 miles away. Right at that time, I also transferred to new position 2000 miles away. Was it hard on the parents? Of course. But they didn't try to stop us from living our lives, nor did they make us feel bad about it.


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## pb76no

Kitty, although it is natural to be a bit protective, there is overkill too. Your mom should trust you, your decisions & your husband. Do you think she does? Perhaps you could just counter when she complains that "if she hadn't done such a great job raising you", you wouldn't feel comfortable being so far away.

Do you use Skype? Video chats could go a long way to making her feel more connected.


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## kittykatz

norajane said:


> Part of growing up is learning not to take on the guilt your parents might dump on you. Your mom's issues are HERS to deal with. It's not right that she guilt-trips you like that about living your own life.
> 
> And, frankly, I think it's weird your 33 and 30 year old brothers still live at home and have never lived independently. That will be hard on any girlfriends or wives they ever have, because who can compete with mom that takes care of their every need at home?
> 
> When my sister went to college, she moved out of the house and when she graduated, she got her dream job that happened to be 1000 miles away. Right at that time, I also transferred to new position 2000 miles away. Was it hard on the parents? Of course. But they didn't try to stop us from living our lives, nor did they make us feel bad about it.


 well I think its weird that my brothers still live at home too. I suppose my parents thought id live there up into my 30s too and they'd never have to deal with any of their kids leaving. I think my brothers don't leave because my parents make it too easy on them. They don't have to pay rent or bills.. my mom still does their laundry, cooks for them and everything else. And now its to the point where, like you said, if they ever get married, they're going to expect their wife to do all the things for them that my mom does.. and chances are, its not going to be easy finding someone who is willing to do all of that. I've always had a different attitude than my brothers... I wanted to do my own laundry, cook my own dinner, and do things for myself. Not to mention they were always more protective of me and eventually I just felt smothered by them and needed space. And I think guilt trip is a perfect word to use because that's exactly what I felt like... when she would cry and act like her life was over, I got the feeling she wanted me to feel sorry for her and id say "ok just forget it. I wont move. Ill just stay here with you forever"... and in a way I felt bad for her but it also pissed me off that she couldn't just accept that its my choice to live life how I want to, without trying to make me feel like a bad daughter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash.

Nobody can make you feel bad without your permission.

Btw I have 2 girls and a boy. They will still be free to move. I do not own them.


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## kittykatz

pb76no said:


> Kitty, although it is natural to be a bit protective, there is overkill too. Your mom should trust you, your decisions & your husband. Do you think she does? Perhaps you could just counter when she complains that "if she hadn't done such a great job raising you", you wouldn't feel comfortable being so far away.
> 
> Do you use Skype? Video chats could go a long way to making her feel more connected.


Well at the time that I moved, I don't know if skype was around... I hadn't heard of it at least... but I don't think my mom would have been interested. I did good just to get her to talk to me on the phone... she would never call me. Id always be the one to call her... and a lot of times she would be 'busy' and id end up just talking to my dad. And when I did talk to her, she always just sound depressed and would usually start crying.. and it got to the point where I almost didn't want to talk to her because it was always so depressing. But I agree with you... if your child feels that they can handle living 500 miles away and they WANT to be independent, if anything my parents should be proud... that's what the job of a parent is... to prepare their kid for living on their own. Obviously something went wrong with raising my brothers because they're in their 30s and still have no desire to move. My dad eventually started to accept my decision somewhat.. more than my mom did at least.. but sometimes even he would make statements like "well do what makes you happy.. if that means you have to shut us out, so be it!" They acted like it was impossible to have a relationship with family unless you lived near them.. but in fact I felt like they were the ones shutting me out. My mom didn't want me to have my wedding in NC because she just couldn't get over the fact that I wouldn't be staying there once the wedding was over, she acted like she didn't like talking to me on the phone. We visited them every month or two and even that didn't seem to make a difference. It was like if I wasn't living near them, I might as well just never call or visit them.
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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

When I read something like this, I think "OMG, I have an adult child!" lol. I have two who live at home, they are 12 and 9. But my 22 year old has been living away from home for a few years now. I don't see him very often but we do keep in touch...email, FB, text, and he Skypes every now and then with his siblings. I didn't raise him to be some kind of personal extension of myself, I raised him to be set free in the world, like a bot of some sort, with some of my values attached and ingrained, to be refined through use and experience. I thought this was the norm, but I'm beginning to sense that it is not. 

My younger two have plans to stick close to me, but then again if they do they may have some following to do. The question will not be do I expect them to stick around but do they expect me to stick around, lol. I try to set a good example, I am going overseas this summer for 5 weeks. Probably the first of many such trips. 

My kids are more than welcome to live in whatever place we have established at home when they become adults, but there is no guarantee I will be there full time. And also absolutely no pressure on them either.


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## kittykatz

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> When I read something like this, I think "OMG, I have an adult child!" lol. I have two who live at home, they are 12 and 9. But my 22 year old has been living away from home for a few years now. I don't see him very often but we do keep in touch...email, FB, text, and he Skypes every now and then with his siblings. I didn't raise him to be some kind of personal extension of myself, I raised him to be set free in the world, like a bot of some sort, with some of my values attached and ingrained, to be refined through use and experience. I thought this was the norm, but I'm beginning to sense that it is not.
> 
> My younger two have plans to stick close to me, but then again if they do they may have some following to do. The question will not be do I expect them to stick around but do they expect me to stick around, lol. I try to set a good example, I am going overseas this summer for 5 weeks. Probably the first of many such trips.
> 
> My kids are more than welcome to live in whatever place we have established at home when they become adults, but there is no guarantee I will be there full time. And also absolutely no pressure on them either.


I think they was you've raised your kids IS the norm... just not for my family. Sometimes I wish my family could just be like everyone else. I think part of them would like to see my brothers move out, get married and have kids... but they're not doing anything to help that happen. Id love to see that too.. id love to be an aunt someday someday... and was hoping after I moved out and got married, it would make them want to do the same.. but here we are almost 4 years later and they're still at home. And I feel even worse for my youngest brother because they've sheltered him so much, he's gotten to the point where they don't think he even could live on his own if he wanted. He has an extreme social anxiety, which kind of runs in my family.. im not a social person either but its nothing to the extent of that. His is to the point where it stops him from doing everyday activities... anytime he gets in contact with another person, his hands shake uncontrollably because he's so nervous. He needs to see a psychologist but they wont take him because I think they're afraid to know what's wrong with him. It worries me because I know my parents wont be here forever and when they're gone he's not going to have any idea how to take care of himself... and they're not doing anything to prevent that.
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## VermisciousKnid

My oldest got out of grad school and interviewed with companies within 100 miles of where we live (on the east coast). He got two job offers: one was fifty miles from our house and the other was with a different branch of a company near us... in San Diego! Guess which one he picked? San Diego. I'm sad because I miss him and proud because he's independent. Heck, he even counter-offered the first offer they gave him and they met half way. Who does that with their very first job?

My wife is devastated. And she comes up with all these lame ideas why he should move back ASAP. Wildfires, crime, bedbugs, El Niño. He just laughs and calls her unreasonable (in a nice way). 

I would be really disappointed if he caved and moved back because of her pressure. Just because she has a problem letting go doesn't mean he has to sacrifice his life's dreams. And we have two others on the runway so it would be a bad precedent to set.


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## kittykatz

VermisciousKnid said:


> My oldest got out of grad school and interviewed with companies within 100 miles of where we live (on the east coast). He got two job offers: one was fifty miles from our house and the other was with a different branch of a company near us... in San Diego! Guess which one he picked? San Diego. I'm sad because I miss him and proud because he's independent. Heck, he even counter-offered the first offer they gave him and they met half way. Who does that with their very first job?
> 
> My wife is devastated. And she comes up with all these lame ideas why he should move back ASAP. Wildfires, crime, bedbugs, El Niño. He just laughs and calls her unreasonable (in a nice way).
> 
> I would be really disappointed if he caved and moved back because of her pressure. Just because she has a problem letting go doesn't mean he has to sacrifice his life's dreams. And we have two others on the runway so it would be a bad precedent to set.


Well I think its very admireable that hes pursing his goals without letting his mother influence him. My mom used to come up with the same BS excuses when I moved to georgia... she tried to convince me I would hate it there because its hot and muggy and there's bugs... and then she went on the internet and found out that the particular city we were living in was like 40% african american people or something like that. And of course in her mind, she automatically assumes that the more black people, the higher crime rate. Unfortunately where im from originally is a very small southern town and sadly many people here have that mindset. And it only made it worse when she came down for our wedding and she saw that we lived in a predominantly black neigborhood... she went onto say that we shouldn't have kids yet because our neighborhood isn't somewhere that's "safe" to raise children. Its funny because the whole time we lived there, we never had any robberies in the neighborhood, or anything like that. I felt just as safe there as I do here. And its not like it was a rundown neighborhood... it was just an average neighborhood with average people. It was obvious to me that she just didn't want us to have kids yet because she was thinking of herself. She hated the idea of having grandkids 500 miles away just as much as the idea of me being that far away.
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## FryFish

Everything else aside... Georgia is the worst place I have ever had the misfortune of residing... flat, muggy and just unpleasant.


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## kag123

Honestly, I think it is selfish for a parent to want to limit their childs life in any way (discouraging their independence ) for their own personal satisfaction. 

I don't have to deal with this yet, as mine are only preschoolers. But I can understand how intensely emotional and painful it must be to let your child leave - especially somewhere far away. My heart breaks a little thinking about when my kids are grown and leave us.

However - parenting is all about sacrifices, from day one. We will sacrifice our own desires so that our children can have the best life possible. Part of that is letting go and letting them live their own life - even encouraging it if they are reluctant to do so.

Sorry that you have to be put through the wringer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kittykatz

FryFish said:


> Everything else aside... Georgia is the worst place I have ever had the misfortune of residing... flat, muggy and just unpleasant.


I have to agree with you. My mom was right about some things... it was very muggy and humid there... and there were a lot more gnats and bugs... but at the time, I didn't really care about that. I was willing to go wherever I had to go to be with my husband. If he lived in california or new york or wherever, I would have went there. And in the end, I have to say that I do like living in NC better... it may be cold in the winter but at least in the summertime you don't feel like you're going to have a heatstroke. Plus there are mountains and all sorts of scenic places to go to here... georiga is just boring and not as nice to look at. So I actually am glad that I live here now, and my husband feels the same... he told me now that he's used to living here, he couldn't go back to living in georgia... he would hate it. The point is though, that's how you live and learn... you have to experience things for yourself... if I had never moved to georgia, I wouldn't know what its like, and id still sitting here wondering "gee... what if I had have went to georgia and what if I had liked it better than nc", but i don't have to wonder because I already experienced it. My parents would get so frustrated like they couldn't understand why I wouldn't just listen to them... they'd say they were trying to save me from making mistakes.. but that's how you grow as a person, you have to learn on your own.
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## kittykatz

kag123 said:


> Honestly, I think it is selfish for a parent to want to limit their childs life in any way (discouraging their independence ) for their own personal satisfaction.
> 
> I don't have to deal with this yet, as mine are only preschoolers. But I can understand how intensely emotional and painful it must be to let your child leave - especially somewhere far away. My heart breaks a little thinking about when my kids are grown and leave us.
> 
> However - parenting is all about sacrifices, from day one. We will sacrifice our own desires so that our children can have the best life possible. Part of that is letting go and letting them live their own life - even encouraging it if they are reluctant to do so.
> 
> Sorry that you have to be put through the wringer.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 well seeing everyone elses responses, it confirms that I was right for feeling the way I do... I told my mom back when I moved that she needed to stop being selfish and start thinking about my happiness for a change. Her words were something like "if you move, I will feel like im losing you! If that makes me selfish, then oh well, im selfish!" I resented my parents for a while because of their attitude toward this whole thing but now that we are back in NC, my husband and I are happy and my parents are happy so its a win win... so I've tried to let all that resentment go and move on... but in the back of my mind it still bothers me, knowing that if we decide to move somewhere else, we're going to have to go through all that drama all over again... needless to say, I wouldn't let that stop me, just as I didn't let it stop me the first time that I moved... but it would really make my life and their life alot easier if they didn't give me such a hard time about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

kittykatz said:


> I think they was you've raised your kids IS the norm... just not for my family. Sometimes I wish my family could just be like everyone else. I think part of them would like to see my brothers move out, get married and have kids... but they're not doing anything to help that happen. Id love to see that too.. id love to be an aunt someday someday... and was hoping after I moved out and got married, it would make them want to do the same.. but here we are almost 4 years later and they're still at home. And I feel even worse for my youngest brother because they've sheltered him so much, he's gotten to the point where they don't think he even could live on his own if he wanted. He has an extreme social anxiety, which kind of runs in my family.. im not a social person either but its nothing to the extent of that. His is to the point where it stops him from doing everyday activities... anytime he gets in contact with another person, his hands shake uncontrollably because he's so nervous. He needs to see a psychologist but they wont take him because I think they're afraid to know what's wrong with him. It worries me because I know my parents wont be here forever and when they're gone he's not going to have any idea how to take care of himself... and they're not doing anything to prevent that.


You could help your younger brother by inviting him over to your place and to do things with you. Since you are family he'd probably feel safe. Then maybe you could have him invite another boy his age. 

It sounds like your mother is afraid to be alone so she's trying to create someone who is dependent on her. Not a good thing at all.

Does your mother have a job? Or is she home all day?

From things you have said it also sounds like your mother does not have friends she does things with.


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## norajane

kittykatz said:


> well seeing everyone elses responses, it confirms that I was right for feeling the way I do... I told my mom back when I moved that she needed to stop being selfish and start thinking about my happiness for a change. Her words were something like "if you move, I will feel like im losing you! If that makes me selfish, then oh well, im selfish!" I resented my parents for a while because of their attitude toward this whole thing but now that we are back in NC, my husband and I are happy and my parents are happy so its a win win... so I've tried to let all that resentment go and move on... but in the back of my mind it still bothers me, knowing that if we decide to move somewhere else, we're going to have to go through all that drama all over again... needless to say, I wouldn't let that stop me, just as I didn't let it stop me the first time that I moved... but it would really make my life and their life alot easier if they didn't give me such a hard time about it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's the kind of thing that will be easier on you if you approach it differently. Don't tell her she's being selfish. Telling people they're being selfish rarely makes them stop being selfish. Just tell her "I understand, but I'll always be your daughter and I'll always love you. This is something I really want to do, and I hope you can be as happy for me as I am." Then just keep repeating it. 

Basically, you need to learn to let your mom's angst bounce off you. Don't let it kill your joy.

And the more you do it, the easier it will be. You'll feel less guilt each time, and your mom will eventually start to at least accept your choices instead of always being in denial.


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## EleGirl

I told all 3 of mine that if they went to college they could live at home until they graduated. Otherwise they would have to move out and suppor themselves.

My two step children (SD now 23 and SS now 26) have not taken college seriously. The have not taken jobs seriously either. If I let them they would just live here on my dime and use anything they earned to party. So they had to leave. I'm not going to participate in them not becoming responsible adults. They live near by and still keep asking me if they can move back in.

My son, 24, still lives here because he's in college and doing very well. His plan is that after he graduates with his BS he will go on for an MS at a school away from home. Seems reasonable to me.

He worked all through high school and for 2 years after to save up $$ for college.


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## kittykatz

EleGirl said:


> You could help your younger brother by inviting him over to your place and to do things with you. Since you are family he'd probably feel safe. Then maybe you could have him invite another boy his age.
> 
> It sounds like your mother is afraid to be alone so she's trying to create someone who is dependent on her. Not a good thing at all.
> 
> Does your mother have a job? Or is she home all day?
> 
> From things you have said it also sounds like your mother does not have friends she does things with.


I do think she is afraid of being alone. Thats something else she said to me... she said "why did I have all these kids if I just wanted to be by myself??" Its like when she had kids, she never expected for any of us to ever leave someday.... I think she felt a void because she didnt have a good relationship with her mom... and her mom also happened to live pretty far away. So by having kids, I think that helped her to fill that void... and to think that one day her kids might leave her, thats just unimaginable to her. I dont feel they did their job as parents. Dont get me wrong, as far as material things, they had plenty of money and they gave us whatever we wanted.... but its not all about it. Its also about preparing your kids for when they have to be on their own and live in the real world... which is something I feel they failed to do. My parents never made me or my brothers do chores as kids, they always did everything for us. And even as adults, my brothers are in their 20s and 30s and still know nothing about what its like to run a household, to pay bills or rent. 

Of course its not all my parent's fault. In order for a kid to WANT to move away from their parents, they kind of have to have at least somewhat of a desire to want to be independent... I dont think my brothers have that... and thats where we differ. No matter how much my parents tried to do things for me and tried to keep me dependent on them, I wanted to do things for myself. I was one of those kids who actually WANTED to do chores sometimes... Even in my high school years, I wanted to get my driver's license and get a part time job, like everyone else my age. My mom refused to let me get my drivers license because she was so afraid Id get into an accident. She said I needed more practice... but she wouldnt practice with me... and I rarely was able to get my dad to take me driving... so I never got much practice... but I had had enough practice to feel confident in the fact that I wasnt going to get in an accident... she didn't trust me though, so I ended up not being able to get my drivers license until I moved down to Georgia with my husband. And she wouldnt let me get a part time job while I was in high school because she said it would be too hard on me... and that I did good just to get out of bed and go to school everyday... she didnt think Id be able to handle working and going to school too... but I think that was just another way of keeping me totally dependent on her and my dad. I told her if she let me get a job, Id pay for my own car insurance and gas, so I could get my drivers license... but she refused. Thats the difference between my parents and most parents. Most parents ENCOURAGE their kids to get jobs, get their drivers license, etc... but not my parents! Without even giving me a chance, they just automatically tell me they dont think I can do something. 

My mom has a job. She worked all the way up until I was born, and then she quit so she could take care of me... and then when I was about 14 or 15 years old, she went back to college, got her associates degree, and almost immediately afterwards, she got a job. She does have a few friends at work, but I dont think shes that close to them... I dont think they really socialize much outside of work. My mom is naturally a shy, kind of not very social person... and she tends to not have a lot of people that she gets close to... other than of course, her husband or her kids. She doesnt really have any family either... her mom died years ago, and she doesnt know who her biological father is... she does have a stepdad but she has no relationship with him at all. He was abusive to her mom from what I hear. She has one brother but he lives in Nevada so she rarely ever talks to him or sees him... I think thats why her kids are like her life.. because she literally doesnt have anyone else.

And about my brother, I actually have tried getting him out of the house more, hoping that would bring him of his shyness a little bit... but I honestly think he just needs professional help. He doesnt really know any guys his age... My parents pulled him out of school when he was in 9th grade because he was failing... It was a private school, so it was pretty expensive... and they didnt want to keep spending money for him to just fail all of his classes... and they didnt want to send him to the public high school because its not as much of a pleasant environment and they feared he would be bullied and picked on for being so shy... the only other option was homeschooling but my parents were busy with work and other things in their life and they didnt have the time or patience to homeschool him... so they basically gave up on him and pulled him out. When he was in school he had a couple friends but he hasnt been in school in 5 years... and of course he doesnt have a job... so all he does is sit in his room playing his ps3 all day. He doesnt have a chance to ever meet anyone. 

Sometimes when I run errands such as going to the grocery store, the bank, or whatever, I will take him with him just so he has the chance to get out of his room and get used to being around people... but I dont know if it helps. I tried getting him to go into the store for me once by himself and he refused to do it... the only way he'd go is if I went with him. I didnt know what the problem was but then I told my parents about it and supposedly my dad had tried getting him to do things like that before, and he failed. My dad said that one time, he and my brother were riding down the road and my dad asked my brother to stop by a Mcdonalds drive thru.... so he pulled into the drive thru and when it was time to give the cashier the money, my brothers hands were shaking so bad that he dropped the money on the ground. So most likely he didnt want to go into the grocery store by himself because he knew he'd have to interact with the cashier and he was probably afraid he'd have another embarrassing incident like he did before.

I got told by my parents not to try to make him do this kind of thing because he just cant handle it... but I was just trying to help him. I dont feel like anyone else is trying to... and letting him sit in his room for the rest of his life and not taking him to a doctor because youre afraid of what could be wrong with him, certainly isnt helping. They did take him to a doctor once... but not a psychologist... it was just a regular family doctor. They did blood work and everything on him and couldnt find anything. My parents seem to be convinced that he has something medically wrong... like some deficiency or something... but its obvious to me that its his nerves... he has a severe social phobia. I dont know why they cant see that. I think the only hope for him is to take him to a psychologist and get him on some medication... its not like they dont have the money to get him some help. Theres absolutely no reason for why they arent doing anything. It all goes back to them being selfish. They are worried that the doctor is going to say he has some kind of major mental disorder, and they dont want to hear it... so for their own selfish reasons, theyre letting my brother sit in his room and get worse day after day.


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## kittykatz

norajane said:


> That's the kind of thing that will be easier on you if you approach it differently. Don't tell her she's being selfish. Telling people they're being selfish rarely makes them stop being selfish. Just tell her "I understand, but I'll always be your daughter and I'll always love you. This is something I really want to do, and I hope you can be as happy for me as I am." Then just keep repeating it.
> 
> Basically, you need to learn to let your mom's angst bounce off you. Don't let it kill your joy.
> 
> And the more you do it, the easier it will be. You'll feel less guilt each time, and your mom will eventually start to at least accept your choices instead of always being in denial.


Youre right, that would probably be a better approach. I was just really infuriated by them, and I probably didnt word things the way that I should have. Next time, if we ever do move away again, thats the approach that I will take. Back then I was still kind of rebellious, and I was only 18... and I was just sick of having to do things their way. But I feel like now that Im a few years older, Im a little more tolerant of them.

Id just hate to think of how it would be if my husband were in the military. My husbands stepsister's husband is in the Marines and they just recently moved to Hawaii... I told my mom "What would you do if I was married to someone in the Marines and he got stationed to hawaii? If you can't deal with me being a few hundred miles away, how would you deal with me living on another island?" And she said "I Couldnt! Id be miserable!".

But I was just like you know, thats how it goes sometimes. Sometimes women end up getting with guys that are in the military... and yea it sucks having to move around... but if I met a great guy that I loved, I wouldnt just NOT be with him because hes in the military. Thats just life. Everything isn't going to be completely perfect all the time.


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## captainstormy

I moved 600 miles away from home less than a month after graduating highschool. It was an adjustment for my mom, especially being that I'm an only child and she's divorced.

She never tried to guilt me into moving back or anything but I'm sure she would like it if I did. She knows I'm never going to thou.

I'd say in about 12 years when she retires she will probably move up here to my city, especially if my fiancé and I have kids before then.


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## Bellavista

Our 2 eldest sons moved 500km away from home when they were 16 and 18. They moved to work for my MIL and they lived for her for 2 years until she bought a rental property for them to live in. Second son has now married and lives in the same town as they moved to. Oldest son moved back in with us a couple of weeks ago to attend the uni near us. They are now 25 and 23. Oldest is aspergersso he struggles on his own.

I never hassled them to come home. Our third son (21) moved out at Christmas but he is just a couple of suburbs away. If the girls want to move I will not whinge to them to move home, after all, I am raising them to be self sufficient adults who can cope with live without our interference.


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## SimplyAmorous

kittykatz said:


> Have any of you ever had a kid move miles away from home? Did you try to talk them out of it or did you just accept it? And also if I do want to move again sometime in the future, do you think its fair that I should have to forget about what makes me happy, just so I can please my parents? I dont want to be insensitive to them and their feelings but I also want to be able to live my life and do what makes me happy.


I figure we have 18 long years to mold, mentor, encourage and enjoy our children.. This gift of parenting is meant to inspire and equip them for their own lives...a slow building.... to make good choices for their futures...to reach for their own passions & dreams..this often will take them out of our hometown. 

I would love nothing more than for them to find







, a great job,







& settle down in our hometown... we even have acres we could give to our children if they wanted....... but although I may wish this.. I would NEVER *expect it* or give any kind of criticism or guilt trips for not staying near the family... 

It is NOW about their lives, an Open uncharted slate before them....their futures...their families... it is no longer about US as parents, we have let go of those reigns... if we have done a good job of Parenting, they will desire to come home often ENOUGH to see us and we'll enjoy & be thankful for every moment... kissing & bear hugging them as they leave... 

In saying all of this... I am damn happy we have 6, out of that many, surely one will remain closer to home ... I'll be nearing 60 when the youngest is 18...I kinda like that. I enjoy a house full of children.


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## 28down

Sounds like MOM has the problem, leave your parents and cleave unto your spouse!


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## EnjoliWoman

Bottom line - I know that my job as a parent is to prepare my daughter to live as an independent, responsible, contributing member of society. 

When she is ready to leave it needs to be for college at 18 or she needs to go to part time college/job if she wants to stay at home. Otherwise it's time for birdie to fly.

I would feel I hadn't done my job if she weren't ready, and actually EAGER to leave home.

As to where she goes, her success and happiness are my reward and I will be sure to visit or send her a ticket to come home on a regular basis. My happiness or sense of fulfillment is not her responsibility.


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## Ikaika

My parents could not have been more opposite. I think they were glad to get rid of me and I was more than happy to move out. There was a span of at least a year and half when I was totally out of communication with my parents. They did not even know if I was alive. Finally, my mom did track me down.

I have two sons, 11 and 13. The thought of how I feel about them moving away: I have to agree with EnjoliW, my job is to get them to that point that they can live on their own. Granted, I would like to keep in contact with them but they will have their life. 

Now comes the most complicated part though. My oldest is on the autistic spectrum. At this stage in his development he is chronologically at 13 years, but developmentally a 7 year old. I really don't know if he will ever be able to move out. He is not likely to even get a HS diploma. He is on track for a certificate of completion. So at his developmental level and his lack of education, not sure he will be able to survive on his own.


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## larry.gray

This is just hard for me to comprehend. My mom was rather overbearing when I got married and we didn't want to be too close. We ended up moving 110 miles away. 

We applied the "Everybody Loves Raymond" theory:

You want to live 1 to 3 hours away from your parents. If they are closer than 1 hour, they'll drop in. If you're more than 3 hours away they'll want to stay the night.​


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## EnjoliWoman

drerio said:


> My parents could not have been more opposite. I think they were glad to get rid of me and I was more than happy to move out. There was a span of at least a year and half when I was totally out of communication with my parents. They did not even know if I was alive. Finally, my mom did track me down.
> 
> I have two sons, 11 and 13. The thought of how I feel about them moving away: I have to agree with EnjoliW, my job is to get them to that point that they can live on their own. Granted, I would like to keep in contact with them but they will have their life.
> 
> Now comes the most complicated part though. My oldest is on the autistic spectrum. At this stage in his development he is chronologically at 13 years, but developmentally a 7 year old. I really don't know if he will ever be able to move out. He is not likely to even get a HS diploma. He is on track for a certificate of completion. So at his developmental level and his lack of education, not sure he will be able to survive on his own.


Yes, Drerio, he may always live with you, and then move to his brother's care at some point. Or he may do OK in a group home setting if he gets to the point he wants/needs a little independence. He may be able to hold down some type of job one day. Maybe my wording should have added "to the best of his/her ability".

I feel my parents failed there. They sheltered my sister and made things way too easy for her. Now she freaks out if her room is repainted a different color because going from mint green to baby blue is too drastic of a change. Poor girl is going to get a rude awakening when it's my turn to care for her. But I also hope I can make those years some of the most challenging and rewarding - it's all in how she takes it.


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## Wiltshireman

larry.gray said:


> We applied the "Everybody Loves Raymond" theory:
> 
> You want to live 1 to 3 hours away from your parents. If they are closer than 1 hour, they'll drop in. If you're more than 3 hours away they'll want to stay the night.​


For the first year after getting married my wife and I had a flat (apartment) only two miles from her parents house so they were always “just passing” or I would get a call at work to say we were having “tea at her Grandmothers” In some ways this was good especially once my wife gave up work due to the imminent arrival of our first child (the first grandchild / first great grandchild) but the constant unrequested advice and “help” sometimes felt like interference / controlling behavior.

A couple of months after our daughter was born I got the opportunity for a promotion but it meant moving to a regional office 90 miles (an hour and a half) away. My wife family was in their own way quite supportive they offered to help my wife look after our daughter during the week whilst I either commuted or worked away. My wife and I had a long hard conversation about it and we decided that we needed to spend as much time together as we could and that combined with the lower property prices in Wiltshire made us decide to relocate. This caused some big arguments (nearly as big as caused by her marring a non Catholic) but we stock to our guns and went ahead with the move. The first year after the move were hard for us (our second child was born) and her family were just not in the habit of scheduling visits but as my family were already geographically spread across England and Wales they were more easily able to adjust and they (especially my mother) were a great help.

We are still seen as something of an oddity within my wife family (her brothers and most of the cousins all still live within 10 miles of home) as we require advance notice to get to family events. I think that living that bit further away has done us the world of good, we have had to learn to rely on each other more and on the wider family less (especially since my mother died). We do see my wife’s family every couple of months but 90% of the time it is us who do the driving. We have invited them to stay with us if they feel the 3 hours driving is too much for one day but the only one of them to take us up on this was her brother who came to stay for six months when he needed a break / some extra support.

How will I feel when / if my children want to move away from the area? I honestly don’t know but we will probably find out in just over a year as our local university does not do the degree course our eldest wants to take.


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## Bellavista

Wiltshireman, you Brits do have a totally different way of looking at distance. An hour and a half is not that far away! I travel just under an hour one way nearly every weekend to pick my granddaughter up for an overnight stay.
Our other son and his wife live 5 hours away, we see them probably every 2 or 3 months, either they come down here or we go up to them.
Australia is so big that we think nothing of a 5 hour drive to get somewhere.


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## Sameold

I'm the adult kid living at home. No, really, about a year ago it became obvious that my dad couldn't manage his meds. And he's a type II diabetic/cardiac/hypertension patient. I'm the only kid. Mom could've quit her job. Seemed a bit excessive--she's younger than he is and her line lives forever--she'd be looking at 40+ years of retirement, with reduced benefits from early retirement. My husband was offered a transfer to my hometown around this time, he took it, and we moved in. Dad's retired, I homeschool the kids and keep an eye on Dad, Mom and Husband work. It's no bed of roses, but it beats the heck out of putting Dad in a facility somewhere when the whole problem was not taking meds/not taking meds on time causing medical conditions to go haywire. (Okay, and Dad leaving the stove on, and that sort of thing.) Dad and Mom would never have non-family caretakers in the house--or at least not until it's spit-polished--so never. Our kids have a much closer relationship with their grandparents as a result of this situation, and have some opportunities they wouldn't otherwise have.
I can see why parents would be concerned about their kids moving far away. Sure, as the kid, you want to help out, but there's little you can do from 500 miles, and even 100 makes it hard for any sort of ongoing daily assistance.


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## Wiltshireman

Bellavista said:


> Wiltshireman, you Brits do have a totally different way of looking at distance. An hour and a half is not that far away! I travel just under an hour one way nearly every weekend to pick my granddaughter up for an overnight stay.
> Our other son and his wife live 5 hours away, we see them probably every 2 or 3 months, either they come down here or we go up to them.
> Australia is so big that we think nothing of a 5 hour drive to get somewhere.


I know what you Aussies are like. I had an aunt and uncle (on my mothers side) who said they lived "just" outside of Darwin that turned out to be 150 miles south (3+ hours). 
I do not have a problem with driving to see family and will be doing the 500 mile round trip for my BIL ordination on Easter Sunday.


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