# My Wife Feels Like She Missed Out Experiencing Independence



## Nahte2991 (May 1, 2020)

My wife and I started dating in college. She lived in the dorms, at home with her parents (we were townies), and very briefly with her friends in an apartment (3 months). After graduation we were still dating and moved in together (we had been dating 3 years at that point.). After a year of living together with got engaged. One year later we got married (after 5 total years of dating) at age 25.

After a year and a half of marriage we moved away from our home town for a job opportunity in the city. We both have new jobs, are making new friends, and have also kept our old friends as well. We're both extremely close to both sides of our family and visit home often. We rarely argue except for your typical bickering over small things. We have the same sense of humor, same interests in music, restaurants, travel, we make each other laugh many times a day. We both have hobbies (some the same that we do together and some different that we do in our own.) We have an amazing dog that we've had for 6 years. We both have really great jobs and are financially comfortable. We even just bought a house together. Most importantly we both love each other very much and have a lot have fun together and we mesh really well with our families and friends.

Here's the problem:

Since we moved to the city and had to be away from our families and make new friends. Every 2 or 3 months my wife starts to question if we got married too young and she says that she wishes she could have experienced more time in her life where she was completely independent before we got married. This lasts for a week is so and then things go back to the regular amazing marriage that we have.

I don't know what to do, say, or how to react to this. I give her plenty of space, plenty of time to hang out and travel with her friends without me. I spend entire days away from her doing my hobbies with my friends as well. But she still goes through periods where she thinks we got married too young and wants to have had Independence.

Any advice as to what I should do to make her stop feeling this way? I'm extremely anxious a lot of the time now because I feel like she is going to keep feeling this way forever and regret ever getting married and we'll get divorced.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Talk directly to her, or your setting yourself up for trouble. Find out what on her mind. Ask her to see a marriage counselor, or if not it may be best to see what needs to be done. You can't love enough for two, it doesn't work and you then begin to play the pick me game.

You don't want to do that, you will lose yourself respect, and become a doormat.

Take the bull by the horns show your manly strong side and tell her you will not live like this now or ever.

But, it sounds like her eyes are else where, sorry but someone's giving her what you can't, wild secrets and you can not compete with that.

Be in, but if you want to keep your marriage you have to be ready to lose it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You can’t make someone happy. You’re young with no kids. If it were me the next time this came up I’d give her the option to split. Let her go. Bud, there’s nothing you can do to make someone stay. That’s is like try to push a rope, grab water or air. It never works.

What you probably aren’t getting or see is you can’t make someone love you or control what they want to do.

Your statement that you both love each other very much is off. If she felt the same way about you that you feel about her you wouldn’t be getting these weekly independent statements from her. It sounds like you’re projecting your feelings onto her. I love her so she must love me back. Nope, that’s not how it works.

In these cases if you chase they tend to move farther away. *Beware*.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Tilted 1 said:


> Talk directly to her, or your setting yourself up for trouble. Find out what on her mind. Ask her to see a marriage counselor, or if not it may be best to see what needs to be done. You can't live enough for two, it doesn't work and you then begin to *play the pick me game.
> 
> You don't want to do that, you will lose yourself respect, and become a doormat.*
> 
> ...


Wise advice.

Many when these situations come to a head cry, beg and plead. That is counterintuitive to what you should do. 

It might be a good idea to check your phone bill.


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## Nahte2991 (May 1, 2020)

Tilted 1 said:


> Talk directly to her, or your setting yourself up for trouble. Find out what on her mind. Ask her to see a marriage counselor, or if not it may be best to see what needs to be done. You can't love enough for two, it doesn't work and you then begin to play the pick me game.
> 
> You don't want to do that, you will lose yourself respect, and become a doormat.
> 
> ...


I have told her directly that this can't keep going on and it's not good for either of us. I even started looking for my own apartment. Once she realized that I was serious and actually went to see the apartment on my own she begged me to stay and reassured me (like she does every time we talk about this issue) that she would never want to be with anyone else and never wants a divorce and just sometimes wishes she could have experienced complete independence. I just don't know how to give her more independence than she already has or has had in the past without separating. I told her outright that if we were to separate so you can be independent that that's it and there's no second chances.


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## Nahte2991 (May 1, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> Wise advice.
> 
> Many when these situations come to a head cry, beg and plead. That is counterintuitive to what you should do.
> 
> It might be a good idea to check your phone bill.


What do you mean check the phone bill?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Nahte2991 said:


> I have told her directly that this can't keep going on and it's not good for either of us. I even started looking for my own apartment. Once she realized that I was serious and actually went to see the apartment on my own she begged me to stay and reassured me (like she does every time we talk about this issue) that she would never want to be with anyone else and never wants a divorce and just sometimes wishes she could have experienced complete independence. I just don't know how to give her more independence than she already has or has had in the past without separating. I told her outright that if we were to separate so you can be independent that that's it and there's no second chances.


Then, you had the talk she's checked out but waiting to get her ducks in line don't give her that chance let her cry with crocodile tears and give her what she wants freedom.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Marc, means she's talking to someone.


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## Nahte2991 (May 1, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> You can’t make someone happy. You’re young with no kids. If it were me the next time this came up I’d give her the option to split. Let her go. Bud, there’s nothing you can do to make someone stay. That’s is like try to push a rope, grab water or air. It never works.
> 
> What you probably aren’t getting or see is you can’t make someone love you or control what they want to do.
> 
> ...


She says she happy basically 90% of the time. It's the other 10% (a week or so every couple of months) that she makes these comments about wanting to have had experienced independence before we had gotten married. She says she loves me multiple times a day every day, are you suggesting that she just says it out of habit?

I've given her the option to split because we can't do this for the rest of our lives and she says she doesn't want to and that these feelings just come up every once in awhile. I just get tired of coming up ever and I think it needs to stop.


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## Nahte2991 (May 1, 2020)

Tilted 1 said:


> Marc, means she's talking to someone.


Alright thanks that's what I figured.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So every couple months your wife replays this script. According to her, it only happens occasionally. Uh, no. Just no. Are you buying what she's shoveling? Because from where I'm sitting she pulls this on a fairly regular basis. Yeah, you threaten to leave, she sucks up to you a little, and you return to the status quo. Lather, rinse, repeat. Either draw a HARD line in the sand or suck it up ... until she probably decides to get a real taste of "independence" and screws another guy.JMO.


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## Nahte2991 (May 1, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> So every couple months your wife replays this script. According to her, it only happens occasionally. Uh, no. Just no. Are you buying what she's shoveling? Because from where I'm sitting she pulls this on a fairly regular basis. Yeah, you threaten to leave, she sucks up to you a little, and you return to the status quo. Lather, rinse, repeat. Either draw a HARD line in the sand or suck it up ... until she probably decides to get a real taste of "independence" and screws another guy.JMO.


 At first I bought it, but the more and more well have this conversation the more I feel like she really feels that way all the time.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Of course she does.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

It's best just go get your apt file, and you can always stop the divorce. But you'll soon find out that she likes her freedom.


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## Nahte2991 (May 1, 2020)

Tilted 1 said:


> It's best just go get your apt file, and you can always stop the divorce. But you'll soon find out that she likes her freedom.


Apt file?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I think he meant" Get your apartment, file, and you can....."


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## Nahte2991 (May 1, 2020)

Got it thanks.


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## Nahte2991 (May 1, 2020)

I appreciate everyone's insight and advice so thank you so all.

You all think that she'll always want to be independent and doesn't want to be married anymore? Thus, we should get divorced?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Have you and she tried to make new friends where you are? My goto is Meetup. But you can find groups else where.


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## Nahte2991 (May 1, 2020)

Yea we both have new friends in the area. Some mutual friends that we both hang out with and some that are separate.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I'm wondering if her new friends are telling her stories of what it's like to be single in the city and how much fun they are having without being tied down. OR, as others suggested, she has her eye on someone already.

SOMETHING has to be feeding her thoughts about being independent.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Nahte2991 said:


> What do you mean check the phone bill?


she may be communicating with someone new - and thinking the grass is greener on the other side.

bblocking your move is mainly because she only knows life with you - so she’s scared to lose what she knows.

aak her directly “what does more independent look like for you?” See what she says.

sounds like she wants a hall pass to cheat on you... start checking to see who she’s keeping in touch with. Check texts and apps that she may be hiding.

until you can rule out an affair brewing - you need to consider she’s ready to cheat - and think smarter than her.

Also - is there anyone at her job she talks about or spends more time with than you would expect?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The _Seven Year Itch_ has gotten to her early. Many people feel the urge to 'change' their lives, in that time frame.
This is one the cycles that affect mankind.

If married, they wish to get free and end up divorced.

She is not unique.

I would hold off for awhile and not pressure her. I would also somewhat restrict the friends she associates with.

*Someone is being a bad influence on her.*
A girlfriend, or someone at work, possibly a male co-worker? 
Who does she spend the most time with?

The good thing, she is being honest about her feelings.
The bad thing, she is now a wild card, and not 'presently' dependable.

If you can make it through this period you will be safe from 'that' particular cycle for another seven years.
By then, she 'hopefully' will be more mature, and both of you will likely have a baby or two.

I would not divorce her on this admission, alone.
Give her time.

That is, if you really love her!


THRD-


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## Nahte2991 (May 1, 2020)

That's really good advice. I was thinking the same thing, but all her new friends are married too. I've met all her single male co-workers and none of them are even close to her style. I'm thinking like you that something is glamorizing being single in the city. I swear it's "Sex and the City" always hated that show. I just can't figure out exactly what it is feeding her thoughts about being independent.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She says these things to you to gauge your love for her.
She is conflicted and needs to know that you still love her.

Somebody may be working on her behind your back.

They, putting doubts in her mind.
They, trying to get into her pants.

This, maybe.
Monitor her carefully.

I agree, Hollywood glamorizes the single life.


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## Nahte2991 (May 1, 2020)

Beach123 said:


> she may be communicating with someone new - and thinking the grass is greener on the other side.
> 
> bblocking your move is mainly because she only knows life with you - so she’s scared to lose what she knows.
> 
> ...


I'll have to look at her texts I never do cause I never felt the need to. She never hangs out with dudes ever or talks about any guys from work other than ones that are married. And their spouses work there too so they're ruled out. She hasn't hung out alone with a guy since before we even started dating.

I asked her directly what she be doing right now if I wasn't around and she said the exact same thing we were doing; watching TV and having a drink before bed.


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## Nahte2991 (May 1, 2020)

SunCMars said:


> She says these things to you to gauge your love for her.
> She is conflicted and needs to know that you still love her.
> 
> Somebody may be working on her behind your back.
> ...


Thanks for the reply I'll keep an eye out for that.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Remember, married friends are not necessarily more trustworthy than single friends.


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## Nahte2991 (May 1, 2020)

SunCMars said:


> Remember, married friends are not necessarily more trustworthy than single friends.


True that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Nahte2991 said:


> I'll have to look at her texts I never do cause I never felt the need to. She never hangs out with dudes ever or talks about any guys from work other than ones that are married. And their spouses work there too so they're ruled out. She hasn't hung out alone with a guy since before we even started dating.
> 
> I asked her directly what she be doing right now if I wasn't around and she said the exact same thing we were doing; watching TV and having a drink before bed.


If you do some snooping and find something that indicates inappropriate behavior/relationships, do not confront her immediately. She will just deny it and take anything underground.

My suggestion is that you come here and we can help you figure out what to do next.


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## Nahte2991 (May 1, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> If you do some snooping and find something that indicates inappropriate behavior/relationships, do not confront her immediately. She will just deny it and take anything underground.
> 
> My suggestion is that you come here and we can help you figure out what to do next.


I really appreciate that thanks a lot.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Nahte2991,

Basically your wife is not happy right now, at least not for some significant amount of the time. Does she ever complain about anything specific in your relationship?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Nahte2991 said:


> I'll have to look at her texts I never do cause I never felt the need to. She never hangs out with dudes ever or talks about any guys from work other than ones that are married. And their spouses work there too so they're ruled out. She hasn't hung out alone with a guy since before we even started dating.


Well - she never hung out alone with a guy - but she also never asked for independence either, right?

you are seriously being way too naive.

check her phone bill - texts too - see if there’s a number that shows on there with some consistency.

something is going on - that wasn’t before now... and you need to be sure someone isn’t flirting with her!


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Nahte2991 said:


> Apt file?


Get your apartment and file. Sorry


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Ya know, when she took her vows she didn’t vow to avoid you and leave you alone. 
if she doesn’t intend to embrace the marriage and respect you/WANT to be with you... the divorce her and find a new place to live!

you should NEVER needs to beg someone to love you and respect you/the marriage! Never.

she wants independence? She’s planning crap she doesn’t want you seeing!

cut her loose. Begging her to be kind to you never works.
Save your self respect! You do not need her permission to move! She will get the message loud and clear that you find her requests unreasonable within a healthy marriage.
Send that message to her quickly!

do not consider taking her back ever - unless she promises to never need independence ever again!

sheez, why do people get married if they want to be independent!?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

People like your wife are hell to be married to. You can carry on for years and she may finally decide that this is the day she moves on (and at that time you may have kids and stronger financial considerations that end up making it more hell then it would be now) or you can let her be free and find and adult to be married to.

I say let her go while you are young enough and you aren't sick of her ********, which will happen sooner or later. Marriage is not an institution for the wishy washy.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

What exactly does she mean by "independent"? Does she want to live alone? Sleep around? What exactly?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

frusdil said:


> What exactly does she mean by "independent"? Does she want to live alone? Sleep around? What exactly?


I take it as being independent, on her own, being free, sleeping with multiple guys... basically, being single again.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> I take it as being independent, on her own, being free, sleeping with multiple guys... basically, being single again.


yep, with no consequences and no one standing there telling her no.

don’t be her doormat.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Beach123 said:


> yep, with no consequences and no one standing there telling her no.
> 
> don’t be her doormat.


yep... maybe they should split up, so she can get it out of the system and then get together again, although highly unlikely... but who knows? She might realise what she is missing...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your wife is too immature to be married. Whether she is just being honest, expressing herself or 'sharing' doesn't matter. She is being cruel.

If you want to take a chance on her just needing to live by herself and be independent for a while, then you can rent an apartment for yourself. Before you go, lock that place down like Ft. Knox i.e. security cameras everywhere which you'll be able to access remotely. VARs discreetly hidden where your wife may have conversations and GPS her car and phone. Contact by e-mail only and do not help her with anything - nothing, nada, zip.

Establish ahead of time (in your mind) how long you'll tolerate her independence before moving on with your life.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You know what she wants. Why stay in that? I wouldn’t be a marriage warden. It’s a thankless task. She wants to go. Let her. Sounds like shes eventually going anyway.

its your only good option. If you don’t you’ll go through a lot of pain and drama. That won’t get you a thing.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

This is a tough spot. I know from experience where these feelings can head if not taken care of or headed off in a way that's productive to both of you, if you both truly want to stay together. I had this "feeling" stuck in my head for a a few years. The feeling that I was left out or somehow missed out on my independence getting married so young (23). Some of it had to do with the fact that I had only been with 1 person, but that truly wasn't the whole story for me and I suspect it's not for her as well. It was the fact that I had never had my "own place", never had a chance to call all my own shots, make all my own decisions just for me, etc. I shared those feelings with my wife at the time, and she didn't understand and would get upset about me talking about it or thinking that way. That feeling popped up occasionally, sometimes monthly like your wife, sometimes less, sometimes more. I'd stuff it down since she didn't like to talk about it, and it ended up rearing it's head in a very disastrous way. If she hasn't already, maybe urge her to see a therapist to talk about the way she feels.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Bear in mind you, and everyone the same cannot make another person stop feeling this or you have to feel that.

Unfortunately she'll likely keep replaying this scenario until one or both of you explode is anger or she'll up and leave.

Tell her forthrightly you aren't looking for a marriage partner that will always wonder if she got married too soon.

Separate your finances and file quickly.

Even as she professes her undying love this won't go away unless you take control of yourself and the situation and recognize this is unwinnable for you.

*Her wondering will without doubt turn into resentment which will cause a future split anyway.*

D now, and date her and others when your single, and after both of you have been single a while if you date and later remarry it will be so much better.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

This is why I'm always saying; two can't successfully become one in M until each has fully become their own person as individuals first.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> yep... maybe they should split up, so she can get it out of the system and then get together again, although highly unlikely... but who knows? She might realise what she is missing...


That is one of those wishes that rarely come to fruition.

If OP did separate from her and she did not like the single life and then wants to return to her old love, him, there is this problem.

She would always smell of other men.

Men, after him, not before him. 
There is a difference.

In the thoughts, the smell and the texture. 
The aura is different, not the aroma, and it is jarringly eye watering.

OP would always think, "I was not good enough for her, she wanted to leave me".

And, eventually did. 

And, now she's back. The other men were not good enough either, and OP would feel he is, 'good enough for prime time'. 

And sadly, no more. 

I truly understand how she feels and your presently pained existence.

She needs to grow up quick, and maybe not on your dime.

As I mentioned earlier, give her time. 
You do have that.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Is she thinking this?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

And the difficulty is, right now you're competing with her imagination and will always be.

Unless she has and solidly exhibits feelings and beliefs that you're the only one for her, you'll alway be playing second fiddle now to the what if scenario. 

That will very likely turn into resentment from her, you, or both until the frog is fully boiled. Then you'll split anyway. 

Unless she shows some real growing up and maturing there are difficult times ahead my friend.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Nahte2991 said:


> I'll have to look at her texts I never do cause I never felt the need to. She never hangs out with dudes ever or talks about any guys from work other than ones that are married. And their spouses work there too so they're ruled out. She hasn't hung out alone with a guy since before we even started dating.
> 
> I asked her directly what she be doing right now if I wasn't around and she said the exact same thing we were doing; watching TV and having a drink before bed.


Highly unlikely, if not for the lock down.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Sun c, is correct she will have had other men, why would you want that after?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Nahte2991 said:


> My wife and I started dating in college. She lived in the dorms, at home with her parents (we were townies), and very briefly with her friends in an apartment (3 months). After graduation we were still dating and moved in together (we had been dating 3 years at that point.). After a year of living together with got engaged. One year later we got married (after 5 total years of dating) at age 25.
> 
> After a year and a half of marriage we moved away from our home town for a job opportunity in the city. We both have new jobs, are making new friends, and have also kept our old friends as well. We're both extremely close to both sides of our family and visit home often. We rarely argue except for your typical bickering over small things. We have the same sense of humor, same interests in music, restaurants, travel, we make each other laugh many times a day. We both have hobbies (some the same that we do together and some different that we do in our own.) We have an amazing dog that we've had for 6 years. We both have really great jobs and are financially comfortable. We even just bought a house together. Most importantly we both love each other very much and have a lot have fun together and we mesh really well with our families and friends.
> 
> ...


Also married young and moved away. She was also very close with her family.

She also started saying stuff like this to me. I didn't know how to react, so I kept trying to make our marriage better and kept trying to find ways to show her that she could have a lot of freedom even though we were married.

Well... it was only about 6 months or so before she started calling me controlling, started going out and away with her friends a lot, and ended up cheating. We divorced and I remarried, and have been so for almost 20 years. Of all the things my second wife has said to me, she's never said that she wished she had more time being single.

I'm not saying that's your wife but what I am saying is that my path didn't work. If I had to do it again, the first time she were to say that she wished she had more time being single before she met me, I'd stand up, open the front door, take off my wedding ring and hold it out to her and say "you are welcome to leave any time you want, but you can't come back."


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Nahte2991 said:


> She says she happy basically 90% of the time. It's the other 10% (a week or so every couple of months) that she makes these comments about wanting to have had experienced independence before we had gotten married. She says she loves me multiple times a day every day, are you suggesting that she just says it out of habit?
> 
> I've given her the option to split because we can't do this for the rest of our lives and she says she doesn't want to and that these feelings just come up every once in awhile. I just get tired of coming up ever and I think it needs to stop.


There's a dude who's schedule matches her desire to be single. Calling it now.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Nahte2991 said:


> What do you mean check the phone bill?


Check what numbers she is calling. Look for patterns.
If you see one frequently called, find out who it is.
Get in her phone, computer, social media and her head.
Find out who she is texting, what they are talking about, etc.
Does she shield her phone in your presence? Do you have passcodes?
Have a phone recovery program on standby (Dr. Fone is one.) Be prepared to use it as needed.
Document everything you find that may be out of line. Make multiple copies. Secure in different places.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Nahte2991 said:


> I have told her directly that this can't keep going on and it's not good for either of us. I even started looking for my own apartment. Once she realized that I was serious and actually went to see the apartment on my own she begged me to stay and reassured me (like she does every time we talk about this issue) that she would never want to be with anyone else and never wants a divorce and just sometimes wishes she could have experienced complete independence. I just don't know how to give her more independence than she already has or has had in the past without separating. I told her outright that if we were to separate so you can be independent that that's it and there's no second chances.


If she brings it up again, just start packing.
If she truly shows actual remorse, stop.
Let her know that the next time this comes up, you will be making the decision.
Tell her that your decision will be that since you love her and merely want to make her dreams come true, that you will be giving her the complete independence that she truly craves.
Add that you will be leaving the suitcases out because you no longer feel safe in your marriage because of her apparent desire to question the vows that she made to you, and she questions that she wants to be with you, it is now incumbent upon her to repair the damage that she has done to your marriage.
Then watch her like a hawk. She either is stepping out, thinking about stepping out, or at a minimum is trying to be dramatic and manipulative.
Whatever it is, do not tolerate. Nip it swiftly and decisively.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think this is only going to escalate. I also think the **** will hit the fan when she's about 40 and she will want a divorce, have either an emotional affair or physical affair, make your marriage sexless, take your pick.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Nahte2991 said:


> I appreciate everyone's insight and advice so thank you so all.
> 
> You all think that she'll always want to be independent and doesn't want to be married anymore? Thus, we should get divorced?


At a minimum, call her on it.
Put the onus on her to prove she wants you, not vice versa.
BTW, for excrement and laughter, take some time off work, surprise her at work, and take her out for lunch.
Gives you chance to be a good husband, case her workplace for potential miscreants, and her reaction will tell you all you need to know.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Nahte2991 said:


> *Any advice as to what I should do to make her stop feeling this way?* I'm extremely anxious a lot of the time now because I feel like she is going to keep feeling this way forever and regret ever getting married and we'll get divorced.


You can't "make her stop feeling this way". Nobody can make anybody feel or stop feeling a certain way. You can help her though. You can help her focus on the highlights of why you two are together. You can emphasize the positives. You can help her see the good in what you have, which in turn takes the focus off the FOMO that is messing with her head.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> I'm wondering if her new friends are telling her stories of what it's like to be single in the city and how much fun they are having without being tied down. OR, as others suggested, she has her eye on someone already.
> 
> SOMETHING has to be feeding her thoughts about being independent.


Why can't someone who married young yearn for independence without someone enticing them?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Nahte2991 said:


> She says she happy basically 90% of the time. It's the other 10% (a week or so every couple of months) that she makes these comments about wanting to have had experienced independence before we had gotten married. She says she loves me multiple times a day every day, are you suggesting that she just says it out of habit?
> 
> I've given her the option to split because we can't do this for the rest of our lives and she says she doesn't want to and that these feelings just come up every once in awhile. I just get tired of coming up ever and I think it needs to stop.


Yes that is what he and others are thinking... 

What everyone is telling you is this... This is not some whimiscal meanderings of bored mind... This is a woman that wants to SCREW OTHER MEN, or WOMEN??? Who knows. 

You seem to be stepping around the issue, instead of just saying it alright. If is what not this, then what is the problem. 

You kind of need to wake up. Have you talked to her about whether or not she want to have sex with other people? Have you asked her if she has someone in mind. Have you REALLY TALKED to her about this? 

Look at it this way, you just get out of school, finally move to a new city, new jobs.... Do you really think there is not some hot guy at work that she is interested in? Or that is persuing her? 

This is about the time in relationships that women get board and cheat... 

I hope that you realize what is actually going on...


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

SpinyNorman said:


> Why can't someone who married young yearn for independence without someone enticing them?


So, I didn't necessarily say someone is doing this -- I said SOMETHING is triggering this. Could be just conversations, something she read, etc. but married people don't usually just all of a sudden go "I want to be completely independent of you...."


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Nahte2991 said:


> But she still goes through periods where she thinks we got married too young and wants to have had Independence.


Have you spoken with her about what SPECIFICALLY she means about independence? Is it just a general feeling, or does she have specifics like "I missed out on the party life in college", "I've never lived alone", "I don't want to have responsibilities to anyone else"?? What exactly does independence look like to her?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Nahte2991 said:


> That's really good advice. I was thinking the same thing, but all her new friends are married too. I've met all her single male co-workers and none of them are even close to her style. I'm thinking like you that something is glamorizing being single in the city. I swear it's "Sex and the City" always hated that show. I just can't figure out exactly what it is feeding her thoughts about being independent.


For this, you say her friends are married, BUT for some folks, married doesn't mean much. One or more of her "married" friends could be filling her head with how "cool" or "wonderful" having an affair is also. I am NOT saying that is happening -- just trying to say that married friends are not necessarily "safe.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> So, I didn't necessarily say someone is doing this -- I said SOMETHING is triggering this. Could be just conversations, something she read, etc. but married people don't usually just all of a sudden go "I want to be completely independent of you...."


Ah, thanks for explaining, I did assume you meant "someone".

I think commitment and independence are two classically competing goals. Most days I'm glad to be married, some days being on my own sounds more fun.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Nahte2991 said:


> My wife and I started dating in college. She lived in the dorms, at home with her parents (we were townies), and very briefly with her friends in an apartment (3 months). After graduation we were still dating and moved in together (we had been dating 3 years at that point.). After a year of living together with got engaged. One year later we got married (after 5 total years of dating) at age 25.
> 
> After a year and a half of marriage we moved away from our home town for a job opportunity in the city. We both have new jobs, are making new friends, and have also kept our old friends as well. We're both extremely close to both sides of our family and visit home often. We rarely argue except for your typical bickering over small things. We have the same sense of humor, same interests in music, restaurants, travel, we make each other laugh many times a day. We both have hobbies (some the same that we do together and some different that we do in our own.) We have an amazing dog that we've had for 6 years. We both have really great jobs and are financially comfortable. We even just bought a house together. Most importantly we both love each other very much and have a lot have fun together and we mesh really well with our families and friends.
> 
> ...


Talk out a compromise you BOTH are ok with.
BOUNDARIES still apply.
She IS NOT single there is a marriage to put first.
Talk out more independant thi,gs she can do and tell her which ones you are not ok with.
For me it would be no drinking girls night at clubs...no weekends in Vegas or vacations to beach locals and dates with other men....no strip clubs....no hanging with men period.
If you can work out a compromise that you both accept and lines and boundaries are not pushed....great.
Bottom line...you ARE married...she is NOT single.
Health of the marriage comes 1st.
Allow nothing that stresses that.

What does she want to do?Just a few hobbies to herself?
Dinner with girlfriends once every couple of weeks?
Trips without you (I would say no to that)?
Clubbing?
Guy friends?
Sex with others?
What????


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Our futures are poisoned by all those past occurances, that others have endured.

Because of what we learned, what 'might' happen (will happen), in most other peoples minds.

I cannot discount anything, that anyone has said on this situation that OP is in.

Learning from past practices, puts us on notice, and drives some off a cliff, unnecessarily.

Nahte gave his vows to stick with his wife through thick and thin.

As of yet, there is no, "she cheated and he stuck it in".

Hell, at this point it is just her unsure words.
Certainly, red flags, they.

Don't coldly sink her ship, while her warm slip is still clean.

Give up on her when she clearly has given up on you.

Just Sayin'


THRD-



THRD-


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

With respect to your observation that none of the single guys are her type, you have a blind spot.

An affair is based on fantasy and more often than not the OM is not only inferior to you in every way - but is someone that you would never (never) guess in a million years.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> She says these things to you to gauge your love for her.
> She is conflicted and needs to know that you still love her.
> 
> Somebody may be working on her behind your back.
> ...


I disagree with this. I don't think she is saying these things to gauge his love for her and that she needs to know he still loves her. I think she is saying this things because she feels them and wants more space from him. 

No, she doesn't need to be "reassured" he loves her. She just wants to be more removed from him!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> yep... maybe they should split up, so she can get it out of the system and then get together again, although highly unlikely... but who knows? She might realise what she is missing...


Wow no. Get together again? Are you kidding me?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Livvie said:


> I disagree with this. I don't think she is saying these things to gauge his love for her and that she needs to know he still loves her. I think she is saying this things because she feels them and wants more space from him.
> 
> No, she doesn't need to be "reassured" he loves her. She just wants to be more removed from him!


Ah, if true, so sad.
Yes, that...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

We are but outsiders, not one touching your life.

We give out free advice, your wife is asking for the same, freedom, in speech.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Once a women's love is tasted and felt, it is hard to let go, with all that you two had together, now felt wasted and spilt.

With knowing that she will pass her mantle of love to a new man, and he taking her to heart, then to his bed.
.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Livvie said:


> I disagree with this. I don't think she is saying these things to gauge his love for her and that she needs to know he still loves her. I think she is saying this things because she feels them and wants more space from him.
> 
> No, she doesn't need to be "reassured" he loves her. She just wants to be more removed from him!


I think she's saying these things because there's a guy that comes into town once every few weeks that makes her weak in the knees, and makes her wish she could be single to chase him openly.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Marduk may be right on the money there.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Marduk said:


> I think she's saying these things because there's a guy that comes into town once every few weeks that makes her weak in the knees, and makes her wish she could be single to chase him openly.


Maybe it's different when women have that feeling than men, but when I'd go through bouts of that, it had nothing to do with a certain person coming and going. It had to do with pure regret in not doing this before I was "tied down", and not doing that before I was "tied down". Just dumb things like going to a country music festival with friends and drinking and flirting and having a good old time without a partner in tow. Just pure, dumb regret.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

hubbyintrubby said:


> Maybe it's different when women have that feeling than men, but when I'd go through bouts of that, it had nothing to do with a certain person coming and going. It had to do with pure regret in not doing this before I was "tied down", and not doing that before I was "tied down". Just dumb things like going to a country music festival with friends and drinking and flirting and having a good old time without a partner in tow. Just pure, dumb regret.


No, people are different. 

99% of people that sound like OP's wife, want to screw other people, if they are not already. It is what it is...


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Nahte2991 said:


> I'll have to look at her texts I never do cause I never felt the need to. She never hangs out with dudes ever or talks about any guys from work other than ones that are married. And their spouses work there too so they're ruled out. She hasn't hung out alone with a guy since before we even started dating.
> 
> I asked her directly what she be doing right now if I wasn't around and she said the exact same thing we were doing; watching TV and having a drink before bed.


A married man is usually who they'll mess around with, especially being married herself


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Nahte2991 said:


> I'll have to look at her texts I never do cause I never felt the need to. She never hangs out with dudes ever or talks about any guys from work other than ones that are married. And their spouses work there too so they're ruled out. She hasn't hung out alone with a guy since before we even started dating.
> 
> *I asked her directly* what she be doing right now if I wasn't around and she said the exact same thing we were doing; watching TV and having a drink before bed.


Oh, you asked her DIRECTLY. 
So naturally she responded 100% honest, and she's never told an untruth before, when asked directly. 

Yes I'm being a little facetious here but in the hopes of getting you to wake the he$$ up.

There are some big issues here dude.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Bear in mind you, and everyone the same cannot make another person stop feeling this or you have to feel that.
> 
> Unfortunately she'll likely keep replaying this scenario until one or both of you explode is anger or she'll up and leave.
> 
> ...


Agree 💯 as my wife made every excuse and picked fights for ridiculous things. What always stood out over the years was her desire to be independent and mentions of never living on her own. It’s just a shame when they decide to make this move after already becoming a wife/husband then running. A man once told me “the grass only appears greener on the other side, because the person didn’t do enough to maintain their own grass and let it die.”


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

hubbyintrubby said:


> Maybe it's different when women have that feeling than men, but when I'd go through bouts of that, it had nothing to do with a certain person coming and going. It had to do with pure regret in not doing this before I was "tied down", and not doing that before I was "tied down". Just dumb things like going to a country music festival with friends and drinking and flirting and having a good old time without a partner in tow. Just pure, dumb regret.


Sounds reasonable. 

EXCEPT the "flirting" 
Why can't you enjoy a concert with friends....and not have to have sexually charged interaction with other women?
You lost me there. 
You wanted other women not your wife.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

hinterdir said:


> Sounds reasonable.
> 
> EXCEPT the "flirting"
> Why can't you enjoy a concert with friends....and not have to have sexually charged interaction with other women?
> ...


I thought he meant he wished he had done stuff like that before marrying, not that he could do it now.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

hinterdir said:


> Sounds reasonable.
> 
> EXCEPT the "flirting"
> Why can't you enjoy a concert with friends....and not have to have sexually charged interaction with other women?
> ...


The flirting would come if the wife part wasn't a thing. If the "tied down" part had no existed yet.


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## Camper292000 (Nov 7, 2015)

Watch some Coach Greg Adams on YouTube.

This is a bug in her head that i.doubt will go away. Such a shame. It's the lie that they're falling for.

Dude....do not have kids!!!

I'm glad for you that she's being honest. LISTEN! Ask her lots of questions .


Sent from my LM-V350 using Tapatalk


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Wow no. Get together again? Are you kidding me?


As I said, it's highly unlikely. Personally, I wouldn't have her back if she sleeps around... if she has time off the relationship to "think", then it's a different matter. Obviously, we would never know if that's the truth.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Marc878 said:


> You can’t make someone happy. You’re young with no kids. If it were me the next time this came up I’d give her the option to split. Let her go. Bud, there’s nothing you can do to make someone stay. That’s is like try to push a rope, grab water or air. It never works.
> 
> What you probably aren’t getting or see is you can’t make someone love you or control what they want to do.
> 
> ...


I couldn’t like this enough.
This person is spot on.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

What’s the update OP?


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Nahte2991 said:


> *Every 2 or 3 months my wife starts to question if we got married too young *a


I got to this part - who is the other guy that comes around every 2 or 3 months?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Nahte2991 said:


> What do you mean check the phone bill?


Because the most common response when someone brings a problem here is to assume that the other is cheating.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Nahte2991 said:


> My wife and I started dating in college. She lived in the dorms, at home with her parents (we were townies), and very briefly with her friends in an apartment (3 months). After graduation we were still dating and moved in together (we had been dating 3 years at that point.). After a year of living together with got engaged. One year later we got married (after 5 total years of dating) at age 25.
> 
> After a year and a half of marriage we moved away from our home town for a job opportunity in the city. We both have new jobs, are making new friends, and have also kept our old friends as well. We're both extremely close to both sides of our family and visit home often. We rarely argue except for your typical bickering over small things. We have the same sense of humor, same interests in music, restaurants, travel, we make each other laugh many times a day. We both have hobbies (some the same that we do together and some different that we do in our own.) We have an amazing dog that we've had for 6 years. We both have really great jobs and are financially comfortable. We even just bought a house together. Most importantly we both love each other very much and have a lot have fun together and we mesh really well with our families and friends.
> 
> ...


I understand her feelings to a point. I was married right out of high school. I never did get to experience independence, save as part of a married couple. In many ways I got lucky. She over-tipped her hand in such a way as to make me finally see the emotional abuse she was putting me and the kids through. The woman who became my next wife not only allowed, but insisted that I experience life before we became anything solid. She rightly want to be sure that she was not just a rebound. I actually spent 5 years regressing to high school and maturing in the ways that I could not before. There are many other things that I long to have experienced that I never got to as well. And I have brought them up to my wife many times. Now in my case, my wife knows that I am venting frustration, at things I may never be able to experience.They don't affect our relationship. But that is as much her as it is me.

What kind of conversations do you have with her when she is in her "never independent" mood? Or do you just more or less wait it out and never actually address her issues? Counseling might be a necessity. Or it just might be a quirk of her nature that means more to you than to her. Counseling will bring that out as well. I do see that you are trying to do things to assure her some measure of independence, but if you are not getting to the root issues she has, they are not much more than a band-aid where stitches or more is needed. You're just treating symptoms. The problem might also be with you, either wholly, or in conjunction to her issues. Why is this making you anxious? What makes you think she will want to leave?

These are all just possibilities. You have to figure out what actually applies and what doesn't. So again, professional help. Hope things go better for you.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

Has she actually said exactly _what_ great things she feels she is missing? I was married for the second time at the age of 22 and was with him fourteen years. I don't feel like I missed out on much. Has she verbalized any details, given any examples?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

maquiscat said:


> Because the most common response when someone brings a problem here is to assume that the other is cheating.


And most of the time we are right.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

sokillme said:


> And most of the time we are right.


I sometimes wonder how much self fulfilling prophecy occurs.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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