# How do you cope with feelings of being "left out"?



## Lonely Hubby 75 (Oct 23, 2017)

My girlfriend is on the spectrum (asperger sindrome) but according to the therapist she is very high functional.
I love her but I feel left out of her life a lot. Was wondering how you guys cope with that.

4th of July came and went, she decided to work that day at a local cafe while I was off, and after work the whole group of people from the cafe went for a boat ride on a nearby lake, with food and drinks. I learned that there were husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends of the other workers, but I never got invited, aka left out.
I even asked her if I could come but she said it will be late and she will be tired (but other couples will be there??).

This happens very often, last year for thanxgiving she went to LA with friends without inviting me and I dont have any family so I spent the day alone. My birthday? You guessed it: she went on a cruise with her parents, and of course I wasnt invited. Just to put it in perspective: her parents adore me, apparently.
I'm scratching my head and thinking of picking up a bunch of hobbies to fill up my time.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You say she is your GF but I think the real question here is are you her BF?


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## Lonely Hubby 75 (Oct 23, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> You say she is your GF but I think the real question here is are you her BF?


She introduces me as "her husband" to other people...but we arent married. I even told her that its fine with me but if people find out we are not married it might look a little weird...She keeps doing it though.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You are an option in her life, not a priority. If she can’t or won’t try and understand how relationships work then it’s time for a come to Jesus talk. 
You say she’s high functioning, if so then she knows what she’s going and is intentionally trying to leave you out of things. 
If her parents adore you so much how come you weren’t invited on their trip?


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## Lonely Hubby 75 (Oct 23, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> .
> If her parents adore you so much how come you weren’t invited on their trip?


Thats a mystery that I have not been able to solve. Even the therapist was quiet shocked. And it was for my birthday too. Her family does this a lot to each other. Maybe they dont like me after all...they just say they do, so their daughter will not be alone at 40yo and after 2 failed marriages. 

Negative thoughts are creeping in now lol.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> after work the whole group of people from the cafe went for a boat ride on a nearby lake, with food and drinks. I learned that there were husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends of the other workers, but I never got invited, aka left out.


this and the other moments in which she left you out really disturb me. Is this normal behavior for someone with aspergers?

Until you give more detail, I say cut your losses. You're going to be really upset if another man / partner were involved. And you're going to be upset learning after breaking up with her that she knows the right thing to do.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

It's possible certain things are just overwhelming for her so she elects to do them alone. I'm not saying she does things to intentionally hurt you, I'm saying it's easier for her to function when she doesn't have to worry about your emotional needs.

As an example your birthday...she knows she should want to shower you with love and attention yet lacks the emotional wiring to accomplish that, so her way out is avoidance. She is comfortable in her work environment, there's a consistency she has learned to deal with and it creates a safe bubble for her. But adding you to that mix ( especially socially) changes the dynamics and forces her out of her bubble. So again it's easier to avoid it then deal with it.

I may projecting my own issues into your scenerio but wanted to give you something to consider. She may be dealing with things the only way it works for her.


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## Lonely Hubby 75 (Oct 23, 2017)

NextTimeAround said:


> this and the other moments in which she left you out really disturb me. Is this normal behavior for someone with aspergers?
> 
> Until you give more detail, I say cut your losses. You're going to be really upset if another man / partner were involved. And you're going to be upset learning after breaking up with her that she knows the right thing to do.


She had no clue she had asperger, I suggested it, she agreed, I found a therapist and we have been going once a week for the last 6 months. According to the therapist this is very common because aspergers dont have the capacity to put themselves in other people's shoes. So she doesnt realize how her "heaving me pout" hurts me.

You mean she has somebody else? I thought about it, although, when she is at my place she is looking everywhere for "clues" and asks who gave me this and that. I bought flowers for my living room once and she really investigated that one. lol


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

NextTimeAround said:


> this and the other moments in which she left you out really disturb me. Is this normal behavior for someone with aspergers?
> 
> Until you give more detail, I say cut your losses. You're going to be really upset if another man / partner were involved. And you're going to be upset learning after breaking up with her that she knows the right thing to do.


There probably is no "normal" for Asperger's. Lack of understanding social ques and norms is kind of what Asperger's is. Things that are just a normal, natural social standard to most people will go right over the head of someone with Asperger's.


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## Lonely Hubby 75 (Oct 23, 2017)

Cooper said:


> It's possible certain things are just overwhelming for her so she elects to do them alone. I'm not saying she does things to intentionally hurt you, I'm saying it's easier for her to function when she doesn't have to worry about your emotional needs.
> 
> As an example your birthday...she knows she should want to shower you with love and attention yet lacks the emotional wiring to accomplish that, so her way out is avoidance. She is comfortable in her work environment, there's a consistency she has learned to deal with and it creates a safe bubble for her. But adding you to that mix ( especially socially) changes the dynamics and forces her out of her bubble. So again it's easier to avoid it then deal with it.
> 
> I may projecting my own issues into your scenerio but wanted to give you something to consider. She may be dealing with things the only way it works for her.


OMG...Thats exactly what the therapist said. Her head is swimming in thoughts and fears and she has no room for anybody else. At work she is a star! Everybody wants to hang out with her, and be her friend. But her personal relationships...thats a different story.
Are you dealing with asperger too? Maybe a family member? I have been scouting the internet for support groups for "the rest of us" but didnt come up with much.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This is how she is and likely how she will always be. There is no cure. Therapy and meds may help some of the repetitive and compulsive behaviors if she has that, but she will likely always march to the beat of her own drummer socially. She will probably never fully treat you the way a normal woman would treat her BF/partner/spouse. 

This can have a darker side. If she encounters some slick-talking, handsome stud that trips some trigger, she may not think twice about getting down with him without any thought to how that will make you feel or that it is socially inappropriate to hook up with someone else. 

Your choice is whether you are willing to live like this or not. 

The reason we date is to get to know someone to see if they are the right match for you or not. Is someone who has no grasp of basic social graces and who has no qualms with leaving you out of normal activities who you want to be with?


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## Lonely Hubby 75 (Oct 23, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> The reason we date is to get to know someone to see if they are the right match for you or not. Is someone who has no grasp of basic social graces and who has no qualms with leaving you out of normal activities who you want to be with?


Exactly. I tried to break up with her, and with all the crying and pleading she got me back. I guess I'm just super weak and needy. It always gets me when she starts crying because I tell her I'm not happy or I leave. She also cries when I suggest a break to revaluate. Then I think that I dont wanna be alone at 47 and I go back. Its a struggle.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Lonely Hubby 75 said:


> Then I think that I dont wanna be alone at 47 and I go back. Its a struggle.


But you are alone already. Think about this--if you were single, you'd have a chance of meeting someone you're more compatible with. When you're not single, you don't.

My feelings would be tremendously hurt with these instances you've told us about. You're ok living like this? Because like others have said, it won't change. And it's not her fault, really.

47 ain't nothing. You're prime real estate, sir.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

@MattMatt


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Lonely Hubby 75 said:


> You mean she has somebody else? I thought about it, although, when she is at my place she is looking everywhere for "clues" and asks who gave me this and that. I bought flowers for my living room once and she really investigated that one. lol


Everybody's so focused on the Aspergers that this giant flapping red flag went unnoticed?


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## Lonely Hubby 75 (Oct 23, 2017)

lucy999 said:


> But you are alone already. Think about this--if you were single, you'd have a chance of meeting someone you're more compatible with. When you're not single, you don't.
> 
> My feelings would be tremendously hurt with these instances you've told us about. You're ok living like this? Because like others have said, it won't change. And it's not her fault, really.
> 
> 47 ain't nothing. You're prime real estate, sir.


Omg thank you!I really needed that!
The fact that it is not her fault is one of the reasons that keep me in the relationship. How do you abandon somebody because of their disability?
Am I seeing this from the wrong angle?


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## Lonely Hubby 75 (Oct 23, 2017)

Nucking Futs said:


> Everybody's so focused on the Aspergers that this giant flapping red flag went unnoticed?


Hmmm it is a red flag. Indeed! And we also dont have sex at all (4 months now). THAT should have been a red flag.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Lonely Hubby 75 said:


> Hmmm it is a red flag. Indeed! And we also dont have sex at all (4 months now). THAT should have been a red flag.


Did you before and stop, or have you never had sex with her?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You're incompatible. Period. Full stop. Move on.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Lonely Hubby 75 said:


> Exactly. I tried to break up with her, and with all the crying and pleading she got me back. I guess I'm just super weak and needy. It always gets me when she starts crying because I tell her I'm not happy or I leave. She also cries when I suggest a break to revaluate. Then I think that I dont wanna be alone at 47 and I go back. Its a struggle.
> [/


This is a rewrite of your history with your wife, remember her? The woman who would book vacations with her “cousins” without even discussing it with you much less inviting you. The woman who left you paying for everything while she had over a grand a week to spend on herself. 
You seem to have a gift for picking narcissistic women. 
Please leave this relationship and have some therapy for to help you understand why you end up with women who treat you like **** before you try dating again. 
You are probably what’s known as a “nice guy” and you know where nice guy’s finish don’t you?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Lonely Hubby 75 said:


> How do you abandon somebody because of their disability?
> Am I seeing this from the wrong angle?


While I think it's lovely and wonderful that you're thinking about her disability in the grand scheme of things, you have to think of your fulfillment, too. 

I just can't imagine being in a relationship where my very basic needs of being included and/or celebrated (Tgiving, MY birthday!) were ignored for possibly the rest of my life with my partner (through no fault of my partner, admittedly). I'll own it--I just couldn't do it. 

And the sex is lacking, too? It's ok to admit that you two just aren't compatible. There are lots of other high functioning adults with aspergers who might be a better companion for your gf. Or maybe someone who doesn't care about feeling included. 

How long have you two been together?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Lonely Hubby 75 said:


> Exactly. I tried to break up with her, and with all the crying and pleading she got me back. I guess I'm just super weak and needy. It always gets me when she starts crying because I tell her I'm not happy or I leave. She also cries when I suggest a break to revaluate. Then I think that I dont wanna be alone at 47 and I go back. Its a struggle.


Why do her tears make you do what she wants but your hurt and disappointment and anquish mean nothing to her?

You say you are afraid of being alone - but aren't you pretty much alone now?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Lonely Hubby 75 said:


> And we also dont have sex at all (4 months now).


what what what????? Seriously??

What's in this for you??

Why are we even having this discussion?

You are a grown, single man. You're not married so therefor have no legal or financial entanglements with this person. 

You don't have kids with her. 

She doesn't include in normal social and interpersonal activities and now you drop the bombshell that she is not even sexually active with you. 

Remind us why you call her your GF and why you are still with this person.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Dating is an experiment testing compatibility, you two have proved you're not compatible. You both may be great people but not great for each other, it happens. I think you need to move on.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Honestly from the great advice here I think you have your answer....but I suspect you knew this day would come my question is are you strong enough to resist her now?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She will never change. Is this what you really want your life to be?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

And keep in mind that tears can be used as a way to manipulate others.


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## Lonely Hubby 75 (Oct 23, 2017)

Nucking Futs said:


> Did you before and stop, or have you never had sex with her?


We did before, now we dont.


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## Lonely Hubby 75 (Oct 23, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> This is a rewrite of your history with your wife, remember her? The woman who would book vacations with her “cousins” without even discussing it with you much less inviting you. The woman who left you paying for everything while she had over a grand a week to spend on herself.
> You seem to have a gift for picking narcissistic women.
> Please leave this relationship and have some therapy for to help you understand why you end up with women who treat you like **** before you try dating again.
> You are probably what’s known as a “nice guy” and you know where nice guy’s finish don’t you?


Yes I definitely qualify for the nice guy award. I went to therapy, 3 therapists and 2 years later, I still have no clue why I pick these women. I honestly might just give up.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Lonely Hubby 75 said:


> We did before, now we dont.


Red flag.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you do end this, take a long time before jumping into another relationship. You need to figure out who you are and what you want so that you don’t keep making the same mistakes with women.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Lonely Hubby 75 said:


> Yes I definitely qualify for the nice guy award. I went to therapy, 3 therapists and 2 years later, I still have no clue why I pick these women. I honestly might just give up.


Don't give up. Just give up THIS ONE.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

wow, if what Andy1001 said is true, then he is right - forgot therapy of your girlfriend. Treat yourself to therapy to figure out why you go for women who are emotionally unavailable to you. And hopefully, make better choices in the future.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Lonely Hubby 75 said:


> Exactly. I tried to break up with her, and with all the crying and pleading she got me back. I guess I'm just super weak and needy. It always gets me when she starts crying because I tell her I'm not happy or I leave. She also cries when I suggest a break to revaluate. Then I think that I dont wanna be alone at 47 and I go back. Its a struggle.


If you are by yourself, you have hope.
Right now, you are merely her appliance.
Her actions show that you are merely an option.
If you want to be above board, sit her down and explain how you feel.
Ask her how she would respond if you did the same to her. Bet she wouldn't like it.
Be supportive with the counseling, however hold her accountable.
Tell her that this is your last stand. She starts treating you with the respect you are deserved, or you are gone.
Follow through with it.
You met her, so you must know how to meet people. Have some respect for yourself. Subtly push the parameters of your relationship with her. Let your actions show her that you have options. She either deals with her issues and steps up, or she doesn't.
I've read enough here, that frankly, you should just bounce.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Lonely Hubby 75 said:


> We did before, now we dont.


After further reading after typing my response, just bounce.
Get some help in getting your "Picker" fixed.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Lonely Hubby 75 said:


> I'm scratching my head and thinking of picking up a bunch of hobbies to fill up my time.


You only need two hobbies:
1. Activities to meet people
2. Investing in yourself/self improvement


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Brother, your hobby should be getting yourself squared away and getting this woman out of your life as much as possible. 

Time to man up and become a better man for the next woman that you want to be with, NOT HER...


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Disability does not excuse everything. She is still responsible for her actions. By now she should have learnt how to treat or not to treat people who are close to her. She is making a choice of not inviting you to her outings.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

WandaJ said:


> She is making a choice of not inviting you to her outings.


Autistic or not, she sounds like a woman having an affair with a co-worker. 

I am not sure if you care, because you need to MOVE ON...


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Lonely Hubby 75 said:


> Omg thank you!I really needed that!
> The fact that it is not her fault is one of the reasons that keep me in the relationship. How do you abandon somebody because of their disability?
> Am I seeing this from the wrong angle?


Is it a real relationship?

Her disability keeps it from being one. You can put your completely into this relationship and you will not get anything back from it.

Like it was said earlier, you are already alone!


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Sir, stay if you want this life--it will not change. If not, leave. You are minimizing your value, what you deserve in life. But, you have to essentially demand/claim what you want--not give in to manipulation, emotions, sympathy for others. Not in matters this important. Practice looking in a mirror saying something like, "I'm sorry, but I need to leave/quit our/this relationship." No debate. No vacillating. Make eye contact--be a man about this, be firm. Do not waver after the original statement.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Why did her last two marriages fail?

This is a very important question to answer if you want a long term relationship with this woman.

From what I've seen from some people, I suspect have Asbergers, they use different people for different purposes. 

One in particular would only speak about certain topics with certain people, it is painful for this person to deal with someone who varies from the definition they have created for them.

I suspect your GF has changed you into a "husband" and she has a "lover" at work who she reactivated when she deactivated you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Lonely Hubby 75 said:


> My girlfriend is on the spectrum (asperger sindrome) but according to the therapist she is very high functional.
> I love her but I feel left out of her life a lot. Was wondering how you guys cope with that.
> 
> 4th of July came and went, she decided to work that day at a local cafe while I was off, and after work the whole group of people from the cafe went for a boat ride on a nearby lake, with food and drinks. I learned that there were husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends of the other workers, but I never got invited, aka left out.
> ...


Oh, gosh. Welcome to the world of living with a High Functioning Asperger's. 

My wife is more clued in than your girl friend, but we do have moments when I think: "Oh, bother! Here we go again!"


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> this and the other moments in which she left you out really disturb me. Is this normal behavior for someone with aspergers?
> 
> Until you give more detail, I say cut your losses. You're going to be really upset if another man / partner were involved. And you're going to be upset learning after breaking up with her that she knows the right thing to do.


Yes. Very normal. She probably loves him very much but the Universe of an Aspie is a weird place. A ****ing weird place.


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

I'm probably on the spectrum and it's not always easy for my wife. I'm at the shallow end and still it's not easy.

The truth is people on the spectrum feel what everyone else feels. They have the same needs. They just don't know how to organize or manage them. That requires the other spouse to keep reaching out. I certainly wouldn't blame you if you said it was too much and walked away. I wouldn't blame my wife if she left me.

That said, my wife tells me that there are aspects of being with someone on the spectrum that are positive. People on the spectrum tend to be sincere. They say what they mean and mean what they say. They wouldn't know how to mislead if they tried and most of the time they're not motivated to do so. They tend to be very straight forward -- what you see is what you get. They also can be very sweet when one excavates to the truth of their hearts. The challenge is that they themselves may not be privy to the truth of their hearts much of the time. They figure it out in times of crisis, like when a spouse walks out the door.

My wife has partly retrained me. She's taught me not to walk in the door and immediately launch into some bill that was in the mailbox or something that needs to get done. She has taught me to first walk over, say hello, give her a hug. She's taught me to look into her eyes. I know she has these needs because she's explained them, in very much the same way one might read a technical manual.

She knows that I care about her and she helps me to manifest that care in a way that registers for her.

As for her parents, they may be on the spectrum too. It tends to run in families. I'm sure my mother was.

You may need to explain to your wife that it's not working for you when she makes plans without you. You may need to be clear that if it doesn't stop, you're going to leave. People on the spectrum are generally good about not taking information personally. Unless they have other deficits or significant emotional challenges too.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Lonely Hubby 75 said:


> My girlfriend is on the spectrum (asperger sindrome) but according to the therapist she is very high functional.
> I love her but I feel left out of her life a lot. Was wondering how you guys cope with that.
> 
> 4th of July came and went, she decided to work that day at a local cafe while I was off, and after work the whole group of people from the cafe went for a boat ride on a nearby lake, with food and drinks. I learned that there were husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends of the other workers, but I never got invited, aka left out.
> ...


There are 3.5 billion women on the Earth, just move on to someone else. No need to stick with this one. You are going to be miserable.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Lonely Hubby 75 said:


> Thats a mystery that I have not been able to solve. Even the therapist was quiet shocked. And it was for my birthday too. Her family does this a lot to each other. Maybe they dont like me after all...they just say they do, so their daughter will not be alone at 40yo and after 2 failed marriages.
> 
> Negative thoughts are creeping in now lol.


love yourself enough to refuse to tolerate the intolerable


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think she's trying to just keep things simple so she can cope. Sometimes who you are at work is different than how you are in your personal life, and it can actually be embarrassing to let your coworkers get a little window into your private life. Or she may know you wouldn't fit in, or she may not want to worry about being attentive to you while showing priority to her coworkers. 

Same way with friends. She may just know there could be some things come up in banter that would not work well with you. Of course, we have little insight into how you two are when you're together. If you are always calling the shots, she certainly won't want to deal with that on her work or friend turf. That's where she calls the shots. If you are insecure, she may not want to have to only talk to you to make you happy there. We don't know your dynamic. But she does, and she's doing what she thinks is probably the path of least resistance. 

Next time it's your birthday, maybe you suggest a couple weeks in advance, I'd like just you and me to go to this for my birthday. Give her time to clear her schedule and get used to the idea. Good luck.


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