# 15yrs married...but feeling like I need to save myself



## dragonlady2314

I have been married to my hubs for 15yrs (got married when I was 20yr) and we have 3 kids. I am hoping to get some guidance and advice from some fellow long-timers. 

When we got married my hubby was in good health and was working (he would switch jobs every 12-18mons). After we had our 1st child I was in school FT (had only about 1.5yr left) but had to go back to work part-time since my husband couldn't cover all the bills. I unfortunately became another statistic and eventually dropped out since I couldn't handle being a PT SAHM, student and my hours picked up at work. He has never been much of a go-getter or very motivated....which drives me crazy since I am the opposite. 

About 10yrs ago my husband had a slip and fall at work and went on WC...and eventually got a small payout. He never returned back to work after that and then about 8-9 yrs ago he got a diagnosis of Ankylosing spondylitis....basically arthritis of the back. As you can imagine it was a beyond stressful time, we have 3 kids under 5, I was dealing with PPD and trying to support my family of 5 while dealing with major health issues with my husband AND having no insurance since my job doesn't offer it. 

Forward to now...he still is not working, not receiving disability as he was denied about 5yrs ago and now does not have the work credits to qualify. So for at least the last 9yrs I have been solely supporting my family on a limited income as I do not make much money. I've asked and begged him to work and his response has always been that he cannot physically work....despite never trying. Despite all of that I have always been a hard worked and maintained my FT job along with some consulting work on the side and we managed to buy a house about 4yrs ago. 
I have significantly struggled with depression and anxiety as a result from all the pressure and stress at home and financially. We are getting into credit card debit and behind on bills as I cannot cover everything. In addition he was spending about $100-150/mon on himself for misc. thing comic, video games, etc. Everything came to head about 5 or 6 months ago when I inexcusably got involved in an EA which lasted about 2 months. Hubby found out and of course it was awful! He went into total panic and said he would do whatever he needed to do make it work. However it did open up the conversation of how bad things had gotten and he stated he would be willing to do UBER/Lyft. So he has been doing that for a cpl months...he typically goes out about 9:30/10a and is home by 11:30/12noon. So you can imagine its not a lot of money. I've tried talking to him MANY times about how I need him to get a part-time job...and I'm totally open to a nonconventional situation as I know he cannot do a 9-5pm. Every time I try talking to him its the same thing..."he cannot physically work, it is my job to support my family as those were the vows I took, he will do what he can when he can, I don't care about his health, only money matters to me, I'm money hungry" etc. 
I'm at a loss....I feel so completely hopeless. I feel like I'm drowning and I have nothing to hold onto...my physical and mental health have taken significant toll and I'm having anxiety attacks weekly. There is no game plan....I see it being that I will solely support my family for the remainder of my life. We can never get ahead, go on vacations, do money related activities on weekends, much less have a savings, or treat myself to much since any money I get from consulting or my main job has to go on bills or back into my business. I cannot imagine this being my life...I need to save myself. 

Any advice? Am I being unreasonable by feeling like I can no longer carry this burden? I would like to figure this out with him but I am also willing to walk away to have a decent quality of life.


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## jorgegene

He's a deadbeat.

deadbeats shouldn't get a break.


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## sokillme

There are men/women in wheelchairs who have no legs that work. Men who don't desire to work and do their best to get jobs when they are capable are basically children. Look everyone can be out of work for a while it happens, but their comes a point where you need to get a job ANY JOB.) Unless he is bedridden and in constant pain I agree with the other post he is a deadbeat.


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## Cynthia

The things your husband is saying to you are emotional/verbal abuse. He is blame shifting his irresponsible behavior onto you. Rather than taking responsibility for his part, he is turning it around on you. You are not the one with the problem here. He is. Sure you probably have issues, but don't we all. You, however, are not the one lazing around and refusing to do you part.

You cannot make him do anything. He is control of himself. If he refuses that is up to him. How you respond to it is up to you. If you are unwilling to continue with this situation, what are you going to do to stop supporting him financially? If you are considering divorce, I recommend you get a book on divorce on your state and learn your rights and responsibilities. You might end up having to pay alimony if you divorce him and him being a stay at home dad, he may get the kids. I'm sorry you are in this difficult position.

Your vows were based on mutually supporting each other through life. He is not doing that. He is laying it all on your shoulders. That's not fair and it's not what you signed up for. You signed up to do life together and to carry each other's burdens. He seems to think that you signed up to carry all the mutual burdens. That's not how a healthy marriage works.


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## Mr. Nail

He is disabled. In pain 24/7. If he was addicted to pain medication, I might go with the deadbeat bandwagon. As he is managing with comics and games, I'm going to say he is a miracle.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

dragonlady2314 said:


> I have been married to my hubs for 15yrs (got married when I was 20yr) and we have 3 kids. I am hoping to get some guidance and advice from some fellow long-timers.
> 
> When we got married my hubby was in good health and was working (he would switch jobs every 12-18mons). After we had our 1st child I was in school FT (had only about 1.5yr left) but had to go back to work part-time since my husband couldn't cover all the bills. I unfortunately became another statistic and eventually dropped out since I couldn't handle being a PT SAHM, student and my hours picked up at work. He has never been much of a go-getter or very motivated....which drives me crazy since I am the opposite.
> 
> About 10yrs ago my husband had a slip and fall at work and went on WC...and eventually got a small payout. He never returned back to work after that and then about 8-9 yrs ago he got a diagnosis of Ankylosing spondylitis....basically arthritis of the back. As you can imagine it was a beyond stressful time, we have 3 kids under 5, I was dealing with PPD and trying to support my family of 5 while dealing with major health issues with my husband AND having no insurance since my job doesn't offer it.
> 
> Forward to now...he still is not working, not receiving disability as he was denied about 5yrs ago and now does not have the work credits to qualify. So for at least the last 9yrs I have been solely supporting my family on a limited income as I do not make much money. I've asked and begged him to work and his response has always been that he cannot physically work....despite never trying. Despite all of that I have always been a hard worked and maintained my FT job along with some consulting work on the side and we managed to buy a house about 4yrs ago.
> I have significantly struggled with depression and anxiety as a result from all the pressure and stress at home and financially. We are getting into credit card debit and behind on bills as I cannot cover everything. In addition he was spending about $100-150/mon on himself for misc. thing comic, video games, etc. Everything came to head about 5 or 6 months ago when I inexcusably got involved in an EA which lasted about 2 months. Hubby found out and of course it was awful! He went into total panic and said he would do whatever he needed to do make it work. However it did open up the conversation of how bad things had gotten and he stated he would be willing to do UBER/Lyft. So he has been doing that for a cpl months...he typically goes out about 9:30/10a and is home by 11:30/12noon. So you can imagine its not a lot of money. I've tried talking to him MANY times about how I need him to get a part-time job...and I'm totally open to a nonconventional situation as I know he cannot do a 9-5pm. Every time I try talking to him its the same thing..."he cannot physically work, it is my job to support my family as those were the vows I took, he will do what he can when he can, I don't care about his health, only money matters to me, I'm money hungry" etc.
> I'm at a loss....I feel so completely hopeless. I feel like I'm drowning and I have nothing to hold onto...my physical and mental health have taken significant toll and I'm having anxiety attacks weekly. There is no game plan....I see it being that I will solely support my family for the remainder of my life. We can never get ahead, go on vacations, do money related activities on weekends, much less have a savings, or treat myself to much since any money I get from consulting or my main job has to go on bills or back into my business. I cannot imagine this being my life...I need to save myself.
> 
> Any advice? Am I being unreasonable by feeling like I can no longer carry this burden? I would like to figure this out with him but I am also willing to walk away to have a decent quality of life.


This is no way to live. 
You are most definitely NOT being unreasonable here. You deserve to be able to have fun on weekends. You deserve to take a vacation. You deserve to pamper yourself once in a while. You are absolutely, unequivocally, 100% right in that this should not be your life.

And it will continue to be your life so long as you are chained to this boat anchor. When you spend your entire existence underwater, you can never breathe! 

Chains can be cut, like the chain from your ankle to this boat anchor.


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## StarFires

You already posted this and received many responses. Why post it again?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/financ...13090-i-am-not-sure-i-still-love-him-not.html


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## ConanHub

He is a disgusting *****.

Get legal advice and cut this cancer out of your life.

Get counseling, low cost or free if available, because you are a quality woman that has a ****ty 💩 partner picker.

I'm not an advocate for cheating at all but kudos to you for not going all the way instead of an EA.

My unborn grandson is 10x the man your husband/lizard/wimp thing is.


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## dragonlady2314

StarFires said:


> You already posted this and received many responses. Why post it again?
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/financ...13090-i-am-not-sure-i-still-love-him-not.html


Because I was interested to hear from people who have been married for a long time. Being in a long term marriage has very different dynamics and challenges vs. newer marriages. I apologize if I violated any rules but I am lost, feeling overwhelmed, like im a ****ty person/wife/mother, etc. The more people I can gather opinions from...for whatever reason is helpful to me. For so long I spoke with noone about this not family, not friends, no one so I find it helpful to gather people's opinions on it since I am so bias. I am sorry if I offended anyone....I'm just looking for help.


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## dragonlady2314

I did decide to finally take care of myself and I got into counseling right after the EA started as I knew that was a sign things were worse than I thought. I've been going bi-weekly since Oct and am definitely learning to speak up and take better care of myself. 

I do want to mention as I didn't before that my husband is a great father, very supportive, always there, emotionally supportive to me, etc. I know I have many issues...many which got us into this situation. I own those and I have done some disgusting things this past year out of frustration and hopelessness. I put myself in a very inappropriate situation even prior to the EA and I am so ashamed of myself. I know this sounds AWFUL but at least the EA gave me something that was just for me...gave me a release, something to look forward to, no pressure, no strings attached, there was never any sex talk or anything but good convos and laughs. 

I know I have a lot of personal work to do but I was just interested to hear from long term marriages and even people who got married young as my whole adult identity is connected to my husband and kids. I definitely agree I need to start reading up on some things and figure out getting to a healthier place mentally so I can do what is best for me. Today, again we got into because I said something about him working. I told him "You don't get to claim you are fully disabled but yet not doing anything actively about getting disability" Of course it was turned on me again. "This is what my vows were, this is what you do when your spouse is sick, things happen, etc"

He definitely has health problems...last night he fell down the stairs, last week and week before he was dealing with steroid injections...which meant I WAS DEALING with the fall out and emotional havoc of steroids. I'm sorry guys...I don't mean to come off as a victim or "oh so sorry for me"....I just feel so torn between how much more I can handle vs. what my duty/obligation is as his wife "in sickness and health".


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## Ynot

I have never understood how someone "can not work". They are going to be in the same pain whether they are sitting around playing video games as they would if they were sitting in front of a computer doing something to earn a pay check. As far as I am concerned he is just making excuses to live off you.


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## TJW

Wow.....I'm so sorry to hear of this. I can only imagine how you must feel .... I'm quite sure you must indeed feel at the end of your rope....

I cannot advise you on what to do, but I think your counseling and developing your own life and identity separate from your husband is moving in the right direction.

Going to see an attorney is also a good idea, you don't have to take any actions, just find out where you stand with a couple different scenarios going forward.


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## dragonlady2314

Ynot said:


> I have never understood how someone "can not work". They are going to be in the same pain whether they are sitting around playing video games as they would if they were sitting in front of a computer doing something to earn a pay check. As far as I am concerned he is just making excuses to live off you.


I couldn't agree more! I have no respect for people who are unable to do what they can and are willing to settle for the minimum. I look at him now and I have close to no respect for him anymore....I've worked since I was 14yrs and have supported myself since 18yr...makes me wonder how or why I've stuck around this long. The comfortability and routine is what makes it excusable to stay...


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## TJW

dragonlady2314 said:


> The comfortability and routine is what makes it excusable to stay...


Yep. I understand. I had a wife like this for 18 years. I know she had pain and physical issues, but it was extremely hard to discern where the illness ended and the idleness began. Prescription pain drugs finally caused her death.

She was entirely capable of working, but chose to lay in bed completely for the last 13 years of her life. I tried everything, interventions, commitment, etc. to get her "clean".... she was hospitalized 5 times for overdosing and many times she slept for 2 days straight.... until the final time.

The strange thing was.... she was completely unwilling to accept the minimum from anyone but herself.

There is an old adage that "...it's cheaper to keep her..." - I'm here to tell you that was absolutely true in my case.... but in yours, you are the woman, you might have some brief spousal support to pay but it would most likely be low and of short duration.


Do yourself a favor and get out. Within 40 days of being gone, you will have a different comfortability and routine.


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## Steve2.0

I would suggest reading a book called "when I say no, i feel guilty"
It will help you with these conversations you are having with your husband that seem highly manipulative. They give you many tools to break through that bullsh*t and ask some of the real questions.

Him using the "vows" you took when you got married as the reason you need to live the rest of your life in anxiety and paying for this guy is comical. 

Does he have pain just sitting and working? Wouldn't any office job, without lifting, be suited for him?
It sounds like he just doesnt want to work, and is using his accident as a lifelong excuse.. and using your vow's as his ball and chain.

Can you access his Uber history, is he actually working during those times or is he taking naps in his car all day? I had a uncle that left for work every day and came home late.... 6+ years later they filed for bankruptcy because he never actually had a job and just went to the local bar.

Someone who wants to fix things will spend time and prioritize it. Someone who doesnt care will apply to 1 job a month and pretend they are looking hard. Why not hire a job hunter for you and tell them the physical constraints.


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## dragonlady2314

TJW said:


> Yep. I understand. I had a wife like this for 18 years. I know she had pain and physical issues, *but it was extremely hard to discern where the illness ended and the idleness began*. Prescription pain drugs finally caused her death.
> 
> Do yourself a favor and get out. Within 40 days of being gone, you will have a different comfortability and routine.


I am so sorry to hear about your loss as I cannot imagine all the feelings you had to feel going through that. Your statement about knowing where the illness begins and ends is the biggest challenge. I just have such mixed feelings about everything. We keep getting into fights and all he says is "this is his health and its was in sickness and health", "he's working now and bringing in more money than he ever has", "all I care about is money", "really you're going to divorce me over money?", "You are gonna have to answer to our kids why you broke up our family". 

Even IF I chose I could no longer do this...logistically I have no idea how it would work. Getting the kids to and from school, who stays at the house? All he keeps saying is that I am making it about the money but I keep trying to explain the money is a representation of a overall imbalance in our marriage....which of course he disagrees with. :frown2:


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## dragonlady2314

Steve2.0 said:


> *I would suggest reading a book called "when I say no, i feel guilty"
> It will help you with these conversations you are having with your husband that seem highly manipulative. They give you many tools to break through that bullsh*t and ask some of the real questions.
> *
> Him using the "vows" you took when you got married as the reason you need to live the rest of your life in anxiety and paying for this guy is comical.
> 
> Does he have pain just sitting and working? Wouldn't any office job, without lifting, be suited for him?
> It sounds like he just doesnt want to work, and is using his accident as a lifelong excuse.. and using your vow's as his ball and chain.
> 
> *Someone who wants to fix things will spend time and prioritize it. Someone who doesnt care will apply to 1 job a month and pretend they are looking hard. Why not hire a job hunter for you and tell them the physical constraints*.


Omg....thank you for the book recommendation....I already checked it out and will be picking it up this week! It looks very helpful. 

I completely agree about the vows...unfortunately I am a "good ol' Catholic girl" and I am naturally riddled with guilt....so I feed right into his arguments and start feeling like the worst person for feeling the way I do. We got in another HUGE fight yesterday since he keeps saying he is doing everything, he's making more money now than he ever has, he cannot believe I would break our family up over money, etc. I told him AGAIN him driving Uber was not my idea of him working. 

I did tell him that I no longer feel safe talking to him about the working and money issues as every time we talk he manipulates me and backs me into a corner. He is a talker and very logical, point driven person....I am much more emotional and talk from my heart and he just talks circles around me and so I end up making no sense since I am overwhelmed and feel like I am not being heard and I shut down. All he keeps saying over and over again...this is part of marriage, he's done everything he could over the years and how can I tell him he hasn't since I'm not in his body, everything is about money, I would divorce him over money?, etc. I did tell him yesterday that I do not really care anymore the reasons. POINT BLANK I am no longer willing to live like this. The working and money issue is the "bleeding arm" but there are more issues than that. The imbalance, his motivation, me wanting to do things (he always wants to stay home and lay around), I want to go have fun on the weekends. I just resent this whole idea that since people get married they are to give up anything that conflicts with the "couple" and just have to accept things.


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## TJW

dragonlady2314 said:


> We keep getting into fights and all he says is "this is his health and its was in sickness and health", "he's working now and bringing in more money than he ever has", "all I care about is money", "really you're going to divorce me over money?", "You are gonna have to answer to our kids why you broke up our family".


Wow. I might think you married my wife  It sounds like an edition of the same script.... except that she "was not to work outside the home" and instead of "kids", it was "God". And, BTW...she didn't work inside the home, either.

They are master manipulators. They learned all this as a survival skill. I learned, after my marriage to her, that she had a LIFELONG history of being a freeloader, always depending upon someone else to provide her living. She had never worked enough in her life to qualify for social security, a 47-year old woman who had not worked for at least 10 years out of nearly 30. She lied to me and told me she was "on disability" when we met....I found out later that it was public assistance, not disability.

As I remember now, her work history did not even approach 10 years, it may have been less than 5.



dragonlady2314 said:


> I told him AGAIN him driving Uber was not my idea of him working.


I had to say that too, when she wanted to advertise in newspapers to sell recipes for $1.
I told her she would never make enough money to pay for the ads.

The same was true with making "crafts".... the shame of this was that she really was talented at it, she made beautiful baskets, ornaments, wreaths, etc. Her products were high quality. I thought this was a viable activity which might result in a profit. But, she priced her stuff so high that nobody would buy it, no matter how good it was. I told her that hand-made items can sell for a couple bucks more than what it costs in Walmart, but not for 3 times what it costs in Walmart. She didn't "get it".

They lie to everyone, including themselves. They tell themselves they are "doing the best they can", etc., enough times that they believe it. 

I also heard "...we are not supposed to compare ourselves to others...". Geez. I guess that means that we are also not to observe others who have productive lives and contribute to their families and to charities, and learn what is required of us from them. I understand that it's not a "competition", but Great Caesar's Ghost....


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