# Seperated 2 years advice needed



## MellieMel (Apr 27, 2018)

My husband and I have been married 22 years. Separated for the last two. The reason we have been separated for so long and not filed for divorce yet is because last year my mother was very sick with Leukemia, I took time off work to take care of her until she passed away. Also our youngest song (age 6) was diagnosed with a disease and we had to take many trips with him out of state to see a specialist. My daughter (age 15) has early onset kidney failure), (and my 13 year old has autism) Then I became very ill, due to stress (my doctor thinks) and was in the hospital for some time. I've now started working again and getting on my feet. But these last few years have been hard.

Anyway, my STBX has made some poor decisions lately. And I have consulted with an attorney, just waiting to have enough money for a retainer. Back when I was sick and in the hospital (3 months ago) he removed me from our family health insurance plan, I had begged him to wait until I had a new plan in place, or money to get a new plan. But he said it was time to grow up and be responsible for myself. My attorney informed me that because we are still married, he is responsible for all medical costs until our divorce, so I can sue him for all of it. 

My STBX also went and bought a brand new $30,000 motorcycle. Along with many accessories (a $500 back rest, new leather jackets for him and his girlfriend, new leather boots etc) He hasn't given me a dime in the kids out of pocket medical costs, which he is court ordered to pay 76% and me the other 26%. My lawyer informed me I can hold him in contempt of court for that. As well, if he can afford a brand new motorcycle he can pay more for child support. And yes he does pay child support for our 3 kids. My lawyer also is going to go after half of his retirement savings plan, and alimony was even mentioned. He has also purchased an engagement ring for his girlfriend, my lawyer said technically that is my marital property as well, so he will have to give me the ring or pay for my half of it. As well has the new motorcycle possibly.

My 15 year old daughter told my STBX that I had talked to a lawyer. She found out because I was talking to my father on the phone about it and she overheard. He called me the other day and told me that we should just go file together at the court house with no lawyers involved and get it done and over with. He said that I was just trying to "Screw him over" by having an attorney. That I was just looking to "rake him over the coals as payback" because he had cheated on me with women and men throughout our marriage. 

I just want a divorce. But I need the money to help take care of my kids. I've accepted my marriage is over, and I'm fine with that. But he is not being responsible for his kids. He only takes them every other weekend, and is now saying he can't take them for 6 weeks in the summer, because his basement apartment isn't big enough or safe enough. I told him he has had 2 years to find a better place, so it's not my problem. And then he tells me I'm a horrible mom if I want to send the kids to his "unsafe" apartment (it's his friends house in the basement, no fire escape windows or anything for safety). 

Anyway I guess my question is. Is it worth it to save up and pay for the attorney, or should I just go through with a quickie divorce? I want my divorce done with, but I also want to protect myself and my children. I also need the money for our childrens medical costs. My gut is telling me to stay the course and get the attorney. I know he will not get a lawyer for himself because he claims he can not afford it. I want our divorce to be civil for the kids sake, but I'm afraid it isn't going to go that way once I have a lawyer.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Step 1, talk to a lawyer, pay the consulting fee, then decide if you want a quickie divorce or save for an attorney. The attorney may even come up with ways you didn't think possible to pay for the service. The best money you can spend right now for you and your kids is to go and talk to a lawyer so you can understand your options. Without that, you will just be guessing on your question.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Short answer is yes. 

And you will rake him over the coals and you should. Separating and getting a new GF is one thing. 

You knew why you were separating, so even the cheating while married is not as big of an issue, because that is probably the reason that you separated. It sucks. 

But not taking care of the kids and taking you off the insurance. No sir, that is in no way cool and it should not be accepted. 

You need to get a Barracuda lawyer and clean him out. You are entitled to everything you are thinking. 

Ending the marriage is one thing, ok it happens, but this other stuff is way out of line.

And you need ask the court to pay your legal bills as well and the medical. 

Do not worry that you are being too hard about anything. You have what you have coming, don't let him off the hook.


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## dreamer2017 (Nov 7, 2017)

Mellie,

How are you doing?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MellieMel said:


> My husband and I have been married 22 years. Separated for the last two. The reason we have been separated for so long and not filed for divorce yet is because last year my mother was very sick with Leukemia, I took time off work to take care of her until she passed away. Also our youngest song (age 6) was diagnosed with a disease and we had to take many trips with him out of state to see a specialist. My daughter (age 15) has early onset kidney failure), (and my 13 year old has autism) Then I became very ill, due to stress (my doctor thinks) and was in the hospital for some time. I've now started working again and getting on my feet. But these last few years have been hard.
> 
> Anyway, my STBX has made some poor decisions lately. And I have consulted with an attorney, just waiting to have enough money for a retainer. Back when I was sick and in the hospital (3 months ago) he removed me from our family health insurance plan, I had begged him to wait until I had a new plan in place, or money to get a new plan. But he said it was time to grow up and be responsible for myself. My attorney informed me that because we are still married, he is responsible for all medical costs until our divorce, so I can sue him for all of it.
> 
> ...


As a man want to tell you that your husband is a piece of ****. Take his every last dime. As a taxpayer I want to tell you that your husband is a piece of **** and I do not want to have to indirectly pay for the mess he made by his poor choices if you understandably need to get assistance for his kids that he doesn't pay for. Any time you have any doubts post on here and I and I'm sure others will expound on all the ways that your husband is a piece of ****. 

Sounds like he has emotionally bullied you and made you feel like just asking him to take care of his normal responsibilities was some how too much to ask. Again POS. He's still trying to do that. Get a lawyer, get an app to talk about the kids as need be. Have your lawyer tell him from now on all communications will be done through him and basically forget his existence and wait for the lawyer to do his job. 

I am sorry for you hard times, but it's time for you to get strong and John Wick his ass. You don't have to be friends to raise kids.


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## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

MellieMel said:


> My husband and I have been married 22 years. Separated for the last two. The reason we have been separated for so long and not filed for divorce yet is because last year my mother was very sick with Leukemia, I took time off work to take care of her until she passed away. Also our youngest song (age 6) was diagnosed with a disease and we had to take many trips with him out of state to see a specialist. My daughter (age 15) has early onset kidney failure), (and my 13 year old has autism) Then I became very ill, due to stress (my doctor thinks) and was in the hospital for some time. I've now started working again and getting on my feet. But these last few years have been hard.
> 
> Anyway, my STBX has made some poor decisions lately. And I have consulted with an attorney, just waiting to have enough money for a retainer. Back when I was sick and in the hospital (3 months ago) he removed me from our family health insurance plan, I had begged him to wait until I had a new plan in place, or money to get a new plan. But he said it was time to grow up and be responsible for myself. My attorney informed me that because we are still married, he is responsible for all medical costs until our divorce, so I can sue him for all of it.
> 
> ...


Gosh, you married a child. I would be the strongest man on the planet. I would step up to the plate with what you are all going through. He just needs to suck it up and love and do his job. Put the contempt in the left pocket tape it shut. And out of obligation and lover in the right pocket and start pulling it out just like giving a way pennies.

What i would give for a strong woman like you... Get divorced. Move on. There are men out there for you.A special person... To keep going. Just do the next right thing.. Don't plan ten things ahead, Do what comes right, right after another... One step at a time. Your relatioship with God, love yourself-live and think healthy kids, friends, your loving network, excercise, and volunteering. This is what people in crisis do to stay sane and live. Look up Divorce Care course that is offered at various churches. go to divorce care.org or .com. I went through it three times. It helps you cope.


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## MellieMel (Apr 27, 2018)

Hey everybody! Life has been crazy so I havent been on for awhile, trying to get my sh*t together 

Things have been going ok. Life is still crazy as ever. Been trying to find a new job to fit my schedule, which isn't easy with 3 kids, 2 of them with special needs. I had to find a new place to live recently as our basement flooded with sewage backup thanks to a lot of recent rains. My landlord decided to let the house go back to the bank instead of fixing the basement... Yeah that left me in a hard place trying to find somewhere to go in a hurry!

I am still getting zero help from the STBX when it comes to the children. All I ask is for him to watch them occasionally so I can go to work, or take them to appointments or watch them while I finished our recent move. But he refuses, which leaves jobs frustrated with me asking for time off. 

I find it puzzling, I am trying to save up the money for an attorney. My father has told me he would pay, but I hate asking him to clean up my mess for me. So, trying to do this on my own. But, it baffles me that the STBX hasn't even gone to the courts to file at all. He kept talking about going the walk in and file route with me, but he hasn't yet. We are almost 2 1/2 years separated at this point. You would think his new fiance would be pushing him to get it done. *shrug* oh well, it at least buys me some time to save! I may have to call my dad at some point and just ask him to help me with it. 

My STBX has also decided he can afford a new camper. He said he bought it to take his kids camping, but he rarely takes them for his visitations, so I don't understand how that is so. I told him if he really wanted to help his kids he would sell it and put the money towards their medical bills. But no, can't talk any sense into him.

At this point, I rarely talk to him about anything, only discussing the kids with him when its an emergency. It doesn't seem to bother him that I don't fill him in as far as appointments and meetings with schools come up anymore. He never asks me about them, so I never let him know whats going on. The last time I talked to him was when our daughter went into the emergency room for her kidneys. I just figure I will be the strong one and do everything I can for my kids, no matter what his interest in them is. He can go far away and leave us alone. It breaks my heart for my kids, that he isn't around much. In the future they will understand. The attorney I spoke to wanted me to file and take his visitations away since he doesn't seem to want them anyway. Basically, meaning he could only see them after clearing a visit through me, or once a month for a couple hours in a visitation center. That would raise my child support, but I don't know if thats the best move for the kids?? I don't want to do anything that would hinder them in having a relationship with their father if he does all of a sudden decide to step up. Not sure what to do... Will take any advice on that!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to accept your father's offer to pay for your divorce. You can always pay him back over time.

The reason you need to accept your father's offer is that once your divorce kicks in, your husband will be paying the right amount of child support and spousal support (alimony). This is help you get back on your feet. One thing you need to ask for in court is that since your stbx (soon to be ex)will not help with the children you need to hire someone to help you so you can get a job. He will have to pay most, if not all, that cost until you get a job.

The way it is right now, he's making decisions with money and the children as though he has no care in the world. And you are facilitating that by not having filed for divorce. He thinks that he has no obligations because you are making it easy for him.

File for divorce ASAP. Do not do the quickie divorce. The only person who that helps is your husband.

Why did the two of you separate 2 years ago? Was he cheating at the time?


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## MellieMel (Apr 27, 2018)

We separated a few other times during our marriage. All three times were due to him cheating. The first two times were with other women. The last time I caught him hooking up with men on craigslist. I know our marriage was over long before I had the courage to actually leave it behind.


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## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

MellieMel its people like you that give me the courage and strength to go on and move forward! Sometimes some of us start to feel sorry for the situation we are in, and then a person like you comes along and shows us what courage and strength really looks like, God Bless you...prayers going out your way! I know this may sound bad but, RAKE HIS A$$ OVER THEM COALS!...WHAT A DOUCHE BAG!!!


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Mel as Ele has said, allow your father to pay the legal fees to get started. I know for people that are caring and have a conscience it's sometimes hard to take that kind of help because we don't want to be of burden but trust me, the people like our family and our close friends take pride in helping us in these cases. Getting past this as soon as you can is the priority and then in good time, you can repay your father in any way you would like. 

Godspeed to you, you have been broken but will heal, he is a broken person that only will be able to get help on his own when he experiences his own rock bottom which could be a long time from now but hopefully sooner than later for your kids.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

MellieMel said:


> My husband and I have been married 22 years. Separated for the last two. The reason we have been separated for so long and not filed for divorce yet is because last year my mother was very sick with Leukemia, I took time off work to take care of her until she passed away. Also our youngest song (age 6) was diagnosed with a disease and we had to take many trips with him out of state to see a specialist. My daughter (age 15) has early onset kidney failure), (and my 13 year old has autism) Then I became very ill, due to stress (my doctor thinks) and was in the hospital for some time. I've now started working again and getting on my feet. But these last few years have been hard.
> 
> Anyway, my STBX has made some poor decisions lately. And I have consulted with an attorney, just waiting to have enough money for a retainer. Back when I was sick and in the hospital (3 months ago) he removed me from our family health insurance plan, I had begged him to wait until I had a new plan in place, or money to get a new plan. But he said it was time to grow up and be responsible for myself. My attorney informed me that because we are still married, he is responsible for all medical costs until our divorce, so I can sue him for all of it.
> 
> ...


Yes!

Pull yourself together, get this done. DO NOT let him or anyone else guilt or shame you.

Follow your lawyer's advice, he is the expert here.

Let the divorce proceed as he recomends.

Be more careful about your personal conversations, and understand that your daughter has poor judgment with regard to equity, and she cannot see her own bias.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

MellieMel said:


> Hey everybody! Life has been crazy so I havent been on for awhile, trying to get my sh*t together
> 
> Things have been going ok. Life is still crazy as ever. Been trying to find a new job to fit my schedule, which isn't easy with 3 kids, 2 of them with special needs. I had to find a new place to live recently as our basement flooded with sewage backup thanks to a lot of recent rains. My landlord decided to let the house go back to the bank instead of fixing the basement... Yeah that left me in a hard place trying to find somewhere to go in a hurry!
> 
> ...


His new "fiance" could very well be pushing him but part of why he doesn't file is because if he gets divorce she will obviously expect to get married and he most likely doesn't want that. He would also be legally on the hook for support and then fun items like campers no longer fit into the budget. 

Accept your father's help and get the divorce going.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

MellieMel said:


> My husband and I have been married 22 years. Separated for the last two. The reason we have been separated for so long and not filed for divorce yet is because last year my mother was very sick with Leukemia, I took time off work to take care of her until she passed away. Also our youngest song (age 6) was diagnosed with a disease and we had to take many trips with him out of state to see a specialist. My daughter (age 15) has early onset kidney failure), (and my 13 year old has autism) Then I became very ill, due to stress (my doctor thinks) and was in the hospital for some time. I've now started working again and getting on my feet. But these last few years have been hard.
> 
> Anyway, my STBX has made some poor decisions lately. And I have consulted with an attorney, just waiting to have enough money for a retainer. Back when I was sick and in the hospital (3 months ago) he removed me from our family health insurance plan, I had begged him to wait until I had a new plan in place, or money to get a new plan. But he said it was time to grow up and be responsible for myself. My attorney informed me that because we are still married, he is responsible for all medical costs until our divorce, so I can sue him for all of it.
> 
> ...


Get the attorney


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

MellieMel said:


> We separated a few other times during our marriage. All three times were due to him cheating. The first two times were with other women. The last time I caught him hooking up with men on craigslist. I know our marriage was over long before I had the courage to actually leave it behind.


So many STDs, so little time.

Yeah, I'd be paying my lawyer to take Butt Boy on a first-class trip to the cleaners.

Find yourself a shark of a lawyer. If you've done it right, by the time you're done with this low-life piece of ****, his bones will be picked clean and bleached white from the sun.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Listen, 
let your father help you.

I am a father, I have 2 adult daughters (and 2 sons).

I am very proud of all 4 of them, and I can live my life, but if there is an earnest need, nothing means more to me than being there for them.

I think I get your dad, trust me, you should take his help.


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## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

With ALL you have going on and the fact he has already shown you a bad attitude, to keep the stress off of yourself YOU NEED A LAWYER. A lawyer will be the voice for you. Once you have a lawyer you don't have to say another word to your husband because everything can be done through the lawyer. He has demonstrated to you that he doesn't care about you or the kids so don't be a fool and start making things easy and better for him. I'm not saying be nasty, vicious or low down like he is. I'm saying take care of you and your kids. Seek out any programs or help you can find.

Next, you need to have a really serious and adult conversation with your daughter (heck all of your children) concerning the information they share with their father. There is no way your daughter should have told your husband you are getting a lawyer. Kids need to stay out of adult business and you need to really make that clear. Sit them all down and tell them that divorce is not an easy thing for anyone but what you cannot have them doing is going back telling their father what is going on in your house. It will only make it more difficult on the family.

I pray that you have the support you need to get through this.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You MUST allow your father to help you out. Hell, when all is said and done, your ex may end up having to pay your attorney fees! What he is doing is sick and unconscionable, abandoning his kids like the way he has. Don't give in on anything you are entitled to!


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## MellieMel (Apr 27, 2018)

Well, things are certainly changing. My Dad and I got in a huge fight. We aren't speaking right now, so I really can't ask him for help. The jist of our argument is, my mother passed away a year and a half ago. 2 weeks after my moms funeral he showed up at my house with his new girlfriend. I have been trying really hard to accept this woman, but it has been extremely difficult. Anyway, my kids call her by her first name, and I caught her trying to coach my 6 year old into calling her "gramma". It really hit me hard, and I got emotional and told her what I think about her. So there goes me getting any assistance from my Dad.

I'm going to just use my tax return now, to get this divorce done. Its way over due, but STBX isn't moving on it either (even though hes engaged). 6 more months.. ugh. 

STBX knows I'm financially strained. 2 of our kids have serious medical conditions, and the 3rd is autistic. I have been diagnosed with PTSD (or a nervous breakdown) because of my moms death, our seperation, and the kids health issues. Keeping a job has been difficult, just because when I start a job my employer hears "i need every thursday off for my son's physical therapy (warm water pool therapy), and I need every other friday off for my other sons therapy appointments, and I need every monday off for my daughters kidney dialysis treatments". And this doesnt even count the days I have to call in because of a cold that could turn lethal to one of my kids, or if i'm not doing so well and have to call in. The STBX refuses to take time off work to help me out. Saying he can't afford to miss a day now that hes paying child support. I know he will get his in the end but my life revolves around the kids right now, and he is out riding around his new harley with his new fiance and taking trips out of town every other weekend with her.

I have applied for disability for my sons, they have both been approved but have yet to see a benefit. I decided to apply for my daughter with her kindeys as well, but this process can take a huge amount of time before we start seeing any benefit. 

I'm so upset right now because I spent $700 on back to school supplies and clothes for our 3 kids. STBX stopped over last night, he was taking our daughter out for a bike ride, he shows up with 2 new leather vests and 2 new helmets. I asked him where he got those, he said "I won them." I said, "oh cool". Then I handed him the bill for back to school shopping. Said I would appreciate his half of it. He says, "I can't afford it." I blew into a rage. I should have tried to hold it, and remained civil, then kept a note about his new helmets and things, and slipped the receipt into my legal paperwork. But I didn't, I blew up. 

Come to find out, he spent 200 on his new helmet and vests. He won them in a silent auction. Says it went to a good cause (make a wish) to children... what about your own children!?!??! He said, "you get child support for sh!t like this, I don't need to pay extra." to which I replied, "school supplies and clothes are an extra expense, child support covers their monthly expenses not the extra stuff like childcare and school supplies!" He said the child support papers say nothing about extra expenses so he doesn't have to pay." 

Well, we will see about that.....

I am so fed up with his bullsh!t... he then left here with our daughter for a bike ride, when she came back she said her dad and his fiance are "going out of town to spend some time together. they do it every weekend they don't have us kids." Then she proceeds to tell me she his sitting his cats and dog for him while he goes out of town. and he's PAYING her for it... OMG... I'm so mad i could spit!!! 

My question is, Can I go to a lawyer for an initial consultation and ask them about going after my STBX for covering their fees? I honestly have NOTHING to put down on a lawyer, I'm lucky to keep a roof over the kids head at this point. 

I've considered packing the kids up and dropping them off on his doorstep. But I know he won't take care of them, get them to the doctors, or do what needs to be done for them. I can't do that to my kids. What do I do?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

MellieMel said:


> Well, things are certainly changing. My Dad and I got in a huge fight. We aren't speaking right now, so I really can't ask him for help. The jist of our argument is, my mother passed away a year and a half ago. 2 weeks after my moms funeral he showed up at my house with his new girlfriend. I have been trying really hard to accept this woman, but it has been extremely difficult. Anyway, my kids call her by her first name, and I caught her trying to coach my 6 year old into calling her "gramma". It really hit me hard, and I got emotional and told her what I think about her. So there goes me getting any assistance from my Dad.
> 
> I'm going to just use my tax return now, to get this divorce done. Its way over due, but STBX isn't moving on it either (even though hes engaged). 6 more months.. ugh.
> 
> ...


is there any women's aid organisation in your city that you could contact and ask for support, e.g. take care of the kids while you work, etc.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

This just infuriates me.

You may find a lawyer that will have an initial consultation at no charge, some will be between $100 and $200. Call for an appointment and ask about it.

Also you may find a family law attorney that will take a Pro bono case.

"I'm financially strained. 2 of our kids have serious medical conditions, and the 3rd is autistic. I have been diagnosed with PTSD (or a nervous breakdown) because of my moms death, our seperation, and the kids health issues. Keeping a job has been difficult, just because when I start a job my employer hears "i need every thursday off for my son's physical therapy (warm water pool therapy), and I need every other friday off for my other sons therapy appointments, and I need every monday off for my daughters kidney dialysis treatments". And this doesnt even count the days I have to call in because of a cold that could turn lethal to one of my kids, or if i'm not doing so well and have to call in. "

Tell them this and ask when you call, if they think someone could help you.

Be personable when you call. I hope things can change for you soon.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Do you have something legal in place for child support and what he should be paying? If you do call the state agency and report he must have had a large increase in income based on his new lifestyle and you'd like this reviewed. I don't know about where you live but in my state when an ex or stbx spouse makes a report like this the state child support agency is like a pack of wolves on a kill. 

You had a fight with your dad but your dealing with 2 completely different issues here. You need help, he's offered in the past and he knows first hand the situation your in. I know very few father's that wouldn't help, your his daughter and if he refused because of a fight over calling some gf "gamma"that just says a great deal about him.


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