# Now what??



## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

So yesterday my H gets home from being away at work for two weeks. I have hope that maybe I won't have to ask for some lovin' tonight, but I certainly don't hold my breath. Of course as the evening progresses the "I'm tired" starts. I tell him he should see a doc since he's not that old (46) and shouldn't be going to bed at 9:00 at night. He can't believe I'm asking him this. Anyway, he goes to bed at 9:00 and I stayed up until midnight. To my surprise, he's awake when I come to bed. I get into bed with just my undies on. He rolls over and puts his arm around me for about 20 secs. Then rolls over and goes to sleep. I am at my wits end. I don't know what to do or how to approach him anymore other than starting an argument regarding our sexlessness. I've been crafting a letter for the past several weeks basically telling him that this really has to start changing because I'm dying inside. He's got 13 days left before he leaves for work again, and I refuse to beg him for sex. Does anyone got anything for me to try? I feel so desperate and desperate people do desperate things. I don't like feeling like this . Thanks for listening.

Cheers


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I need more information. How long married? Was he always like this? When did it change? What have you done to try to fix it if anything?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Tango,

Next time he puts his arms around you, you should respond by intiating!

Don't waste time!

Also, why didn't you "wake him up" in the morning after he got a full night's sleep?


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

Mavash.
Been married for 12 together for 18, 2 kids. He wasn't like this until the second baby so,it's been slowly going downhill for the past 12 years. I have tried to tell him over the years that we have a problem that needs fixing. I asked him to see a doc about low t - I got no response. Since I brought up the issue of our sexless marriage and told him that I needed more attention from him, he has rolled over and snuggled bit more than in the past. This is important information- I had my third back surgery six months after my first baby. He was awesome! He stepped right up to the plate and took care of that baby like I would have. Because I was in a back brace for several months, he was concerned about hurting me so sex wasn't as frequent as it was pre-baby. Then we got pregnant with our second. This is when he quit sleeping in the same bed as me. Second child,has auto immune disease which obviously put stress on the family and marriage. For the past 12 years, I have had chronic pain. I,always initiated but finally gave up doing that as frequently because I was tired of being told no. To the best of my knowledge I have never told him no. I guess if he's not asking i can't say anything lol .He reminds me that even though we've been through hell and back, he is still here. I've heard all the excuses - this hurts or that hurts, too tired, just not in the mood. He came out and told me he was terrified of getting pregnant. I buy condoms. Several weeks ago when we attempted sex, he told me that he doesn't have natural lube like I do ( never been a problem as far as I could tell) so I bought some lube. The last 3 times we have tried to be intimate he has taken care of me but I/ he couldn't finish. He doesn't respond to me the way he used to. He tells me he loves me. I am so confused and frustrated. I find myself bawling in the middle if the day because I feel so lonely. I am isolated not only by geography but also by chronic pain. I have lost20 lbs over the past several months. I take care of the kids, the finances, the cooking/cleaning, I rub his bum foot all the time and his back whenever he asks. Sometimes I wonder if I have a right to ask him for sex when I've been somewhat of a burden for so long. Then I think, wait a minute, I take care of you and you're pretty comfy with the way things are. Enough whining !

Is that enough information because I'm sure there is more I could add but we all have a life and don't want to waste the day reading my post
LOL.

Toffer

He asked me not to gab onto his arm. When he was home 2 weeks ago, I initiated. I am the only one who initiates. I'm starting to think he's not like normal men. Sometimes I think he would be happy if I never asked him for sex again.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I hate to be the one that asks but, if he travels a lot and has been showing little/no sign of interest sexually in you, is there any chance he's getting it somewhere else?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Tango,

Sounds like there could be a few things going on here

His drive might have changed and it could be for a number of reasons. Low T is one but there are other issues (medical) that he should be evaluated for including cardiac issues.

The whole issue regarding your back could also be weighing on his sub-conscious or it could be the pregancy thing again.. Easy to fix with either a tubal ligation for you or a vasectomy for him

last and most important, you two need to get into counseling. He is not meeting your marital needs and you need to find out why.

Do not accept any backpedaling on this issue. Set-up and appointment around his schedule and telling him that the two of you are going to fix the marriage. If he doesn't want to go, start the discussion about seperating and child custody. Do not take no for an answer


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

Kingsfan:

He works in the bush in an isolated camp with another guy and no he's not gay either. I would be very shocked if that we're the case because we spend a lot of time own each others presence. He asks me to,go with him all the time so no I don't think so but I can't say

Toffer:

This was the second time I asked him to see a doctor. He looks at me like I have 3 heads when I ask him this. He's overweight and I believe heart disease is in his fam. hist. Heard too many horror stories to get snipped. I will have to enquire if that's an option at my age.

He will not go to counselling no way no how!!! He acknowledges that there is some need that he is not meeting but I can't speak to him because I fall apart. I told him that it's more than just sex, but that's a big part of it. We went for over a year without sex.!!! I really don't know how I,made it through. Condoms are the new reason he's not "enjoying" himself. Weren't a problem in the past but now he says his sensitivity is gone. Someone once suggested to me that I was too good to him and that he had it pretty comfortable. So he really hasn't any reason to try cause i'm standing here waiting.I've not said no to him about very much. Sometimes I feel like I have no business making demands of him when he stayed through to crap,instead of walking away. Sounds crazy eh? I think I may have to check into counselling for me because I sure feel like hell. I hide it from him but I cry all the time about this. I think I'll give him the letter. It clealy spells out exactly what's up, no blame, need to start sooner rather than later making this better. I can almost bet his reaction will be anger. I almost want to ask,him if he's interested anymore.

Thank you for the suggestions.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I like your idea of going to counselling for yourself. You should. Also, don't hide it from him and be honest about why you are going. Not in a guilt-trip way, just tell him that you are going because you need the help and he doesn't want to discuss this or help fix it.

Counselling fro you can be very beneficial and give you another person to vent to if nothing else. I hope it works out for you. I don't see a real solution to your issue though unless either yur husband starts taking this seriously or you leave.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Tango,

It's time to think about laying it all on the line to him.

Maybe something like this:

Honey, either we work on our marriage by you:

-Going to the DR and getting a FULL physical because I worry about your family heart history and your weight
-Check into a more permanent form of BC (either you or I get fixed, let's talk to the Dr and see who he says is less likely to suffer ill effects (ps - he's the better candidate!)
-We attend counseling together

OR it's time to have a long talk about the future of the marriage.

TELL him that you often find yourself crying because of these issues and the hurt it has caused you. TELL him his lack of desire has crushed your soul and you feel unworthy. TELL him you still love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him but things HAVE to change.

Good luck!


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

Toffee:

Thanks so much for the advice. I've been thinking about doing that and I hope I have the cahonies to follow through. I may use your words because they really do convey what I'm feeling.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I hope you can get it sorted Tango. There is a particular kind of pain with being a female and being rejected in this way. It is soul destroying, your man is supposed to desire you and want to make love to you. The fall out for me has been difficult but I am getting there. Now with a man that I am sexually compatible with and life is good.

My ex was very LD and things just never changed. It tore me apart and in the end I left.
He would tell me he loved me, yeah right, if he loved me he would have done whatever it took to have a healthy sex life. I think his issues stem from his parents, they stayed married till death in a loveless marriage. It was the example they gave their kids. 

I chose not to give that same example to my kids.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

Holland:

You are so right. This is absolutely consuming me. It is eating at the core of my being. Makes me mad because we do get along really well otherwise. This would be so much easier if I w wasn't in love with him and I just loved him you know what I,mean??

Someone on the board told me that I couldn't get laid if I wasn't going to bed with him. so I try to go to bed at 9:00. I tried again tonight. Same scenario. I could just feel,him pulling away and not wanting to touch me at all. I was crying quietly he asked what as wrong, but I told him nothing. If my son wouldn't have been in earshot I think I,may have said something. I think for me right now if he's just not attracted to me anymore then there is no place to start because that would pretty much finish it for me. I'm going to bring it up tomorrow when we go to bed and he won't/ can't/shouldn't whatever make a move. I don't know if I'm ready to walk out the door. I don't know if I have the physical strength to start over at 48. I think I would feel so guilty as well since he stayed while I've suffered in chronic pain and no sex life for the past 12 years. The more I think and have a way to vent, the clearer things become. This is probably going to be the biggest argument we've ever had. We don't argue/fight much at all- never have but this issue will send it over the edge. Maybe I should have a drink first lol!


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

So a few nights ago I went to bed again and laid their waiting for I don't know,what anymore. Crying again, pissed him off. Told me he doesn't know what I want any more. Blah blah then he threatened to walk out the door!!. took me all,of two minutes to get dressed to go out at 20 below. When he suggested that i would be walking out on my boys, I calmed down and took my coat off. I asked what was wrong with me and he aid nothing. It's obviously something wrong with him? I asked him again to see a doc. Come to find out he's scared of what he might find out. I told him we would deal with it just like we deal with the other crap that gets thrown our way. But at least he's going to see someone. 

Couple nights later I crawls into bed and he cuddles with me. So I said to him can we do this every night? Of course we can he said. That was the end of that. So I said are we going to be alright and he said what do you want from me? Your questions are goofy or strange....didn't hear much past what do you want....

Now it's been a week since he come home from work. I go to bed every night with him, and I lay there naked waiting for him to do anything but roll over. Then today he said something so bizarre to me that I don't know how to process it. 

I walked up to him when we were having a quiet moment I told him I wanted a kiss. He kissed me like he kisses me goodnight - a quick peck on the lips. I said that's not a kiss. He did it again. I said kiss me like you used to. H eased why and I told him because it feels good. Couple more tries before I finally got some tougue. He was sooooooooooooooooo uncomfortable. When we were finished seconds later I said,wasn't that nice. He said....it was weird!!! I said what!!!! Why!!!!! Because we're married he said.I said it's not weird he said it must be that I'm weid.What the f *** am I supposed to say to that? 

I am so confused. I am having a difficult time keeping it together. I don't know how to get my head around any of this anymore. Does he really not see what's happening here. 

He was shocked when I suggested to him the marriages end because of a lack of intimacy. I just want to rip my hair out!!!!


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

My H & I were talking recently about why some men are not interested in sex.

He said, apart from low T, weight is a big issue with men as fat contains eostrogen:

_Fat cells secrete extra estrogen
Carrying a few extra pounds may also wreak havoc on your hormonal balance, leading to a variety of illnesses and health risks. Estrogen, the classified "female hormone," is a fat-storing hormone that is also naturally present in small amounts in men. But when you gain weight, estrogen levels rise and other health problems ensue.

Although estrogen is necessary in men, as it regulates a healthy libido, improves brain function (especially memory) and protects the heart, when the levels are too high, testosterone levels are reduced, and many men experience fatigue, muscle tone loss, decreased sexual function, and in some cases, enlarged prostates. In other words, there are no good side effects to increased estrogen levels in men._

So, what a man eats can also affect his libido, as well as smoking & drinking alcohol.
His decreased drive may not be about his attraction to you, but what is going on in his body & fear of how he feels physically. Men have this great ability to simultaneously ignore their physical problems, hoping they will go away, while also worrying that there is something seriously wrong.
Make him go to the doc & get some blood work done, try to see if you can interest him in exercise & if he smokes & drinks, perhaps stopping or cutting back.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

Thanks Bella that was informative. Don't smoke, doesn't drink much, definitely overweight, won't go to the gym with me. I am at a loss as to how to make ,him see what he' s doing to me. And I don't mean to make it sound as though I play no part. He tends to show his love materialistically.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

He said kissing is weird because you're married? 
I'm sorry he sounds so clueless. I feel so bad for you. 
I think you need counseling and he definitely needs to see a dr. How much does he weigh?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

wow what a sad situation. you're getting good advice above. something's gotta give. he thinks there's something wrong with YOU for wanting a deep kiss? does he even know how ridiculous that sounds? although I understand how difficult it could be to start over (we're the same age), there's too much of life left to resign yourself to mediocrity.

counseling for you is a good idea. grow some balls and take a stand. demand more for yourself. don't think for a minute that you deserve this kind of cold shoulder. if you want a peck on the cheek, you can visit an old friend, and you'll get a friendlier reception to the love that you're giving out.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

Thank you all for your comments. I tried facing him when I went to bed last night. I threw my leg over him, put my arm across his chest. It's so hard (no pun intended) to just lay there and I always initiate. So I started to rub his back a bit. Couple minutes later he rolled over and went to sleep. I got up and cried. I think this situation would be so much easier if I didn't carry so much guilt about it. Some conversations I have with myself during the day go something like, how can I walk,out on him he stuck with me over the past 12 years suffering with chronic pain,but then again, he kept turning me down every time I asked so why should I feel guilty. He never asked me once in that entire time to come to bed with him. Of course it's my fault because even when he did stay up later, I wouldn't go,to bed with him. I do recall telling him once that at some point I would just quit asking. I guess that's what I did and he was good with it. And here we are today. I fully acknowledge that the reason this is coming to a head now is because I have better pain management so I'm feeling better and along with feeling better comes the feeling of not wanting to be his roommate anymore. He laughed when I told him that's how I felt. I don't know anymore if it's nervous giggle or he really thinks its funny. I am so close to giving him my letter. I was going to put it in his bag when he goes back to work, but I think I'll just give it to him and let the chips fall . I already know why's going to happen. BOOM!!!! I just don't know what else to do. I tried telling him but he's not listening. Would almost be better if he's not turned on anymore.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

If I was you, I'd leave.

I wouldn't leave because of the lack of sex though, to be honest. Rather, I'd leave because he shows no consideration for your feelings or your needs. He laughs when you say you feel like a roommate. He sees this is something that makes you cry yet can't be bothered to try and fix the issue. Won't go to a doctor, says kissing you is weird, etc. All of that is a lack of effort towards you, a lack of respect to the marriage and what essentially amounts to a big **** you. He is saying his needs, or lack there of, outweigh your needs. THAT is why I'd leave. The lack of sex is simply a by product of his lack of attention to your needs overall and how he doesn't validate you at all.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

I was thinking about this as I swimming this morning - he doesn't ask me for anything really except to rub his bum lot or sore back. I just don't understand any of this. I feel like I've been hit with a truck. He was a bit miffed yesterday when I came back from the gym. He thought I had spoken to,someone at the pool regarding our problems because my mood had changed from the time I left. So,he know for sure there are problems. I don't know anymore.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Tango said:


> I was thinking about this as I swimming this morning - he doesn't ask me for anything really except to rub his bum lot or sore back. I just don't understand any of this. I feel like I've been hit with a truck. He was a bit miffed yesterday when I came back from the gym. He thought I had spoken to,someone at the pool regarding our problems because my mood had changed from the time I left. So,he know for sure there are problems. I don't know anymore.


A marriage is about both of you. 

My philosophy on what makes a great marriage is simple; make your spouses wants something you need to fulfill.

So whatever he WANTS, it's something you NEED to give him.

That only works though if he's also making your wants something he needs to give you. 

When both spouses are trying to make each others wants a priority, then things should in most cases go great in a marriage.

It seems like you are trying to fulfill at least a healthy portion of his wants, while he is making little to no effort to fulfill any of your wants. Heck, he's not even trying to fulfill your basic needs.

Is the only reason you stay due to guilt of leaving and the children?


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