# Husband Caught Lying



## Dive1234 (Jun 23, 2018)

Hello all. I am a newly wed--6 months into my marriage. And there are already trust issues. We were long distance the entire time we dated (a little over a year), and when we got married, I moved and we started living together. It is my first time living with a significant other. I have issues with him withholding information from me or not openly communicating.

He leaves the house and goes random places. Something as simple as asking what he did during the day just for conversation is an issue because he is adamant about NOT telling me "everywhere he goes." I have asked where he goes when it comes to me from third parties that they saw him at random places that he happened to leave out when we talked. For instance, he can tell me he went to the grocery store and Verizon, but he will leave out that he met his friend for lunch, but I will hear about he lunch from someone else who mentions it in general conversation. It is stupid to leave that out because I don't care, but he does this consistently. 

There was a situation involved where he left our house at midnight to help out a friend about 10 minutes from us. I said...Ok. An hour later, I haven't heard from him, and I get concerned. I head over there, but I cant get into the gated community so I wait. 30 minutes goes by, and I call to see where he is and if he is ok, and he says yes, he's fine. And he's leaving he friend's house. Another 30 minutes go by, and I never see him. But then he calls me to tell me he's home. WHAT? So now I am like where the hell did he go? What is going on? And he proceds to tell me at home about all the stuff he did at his friend's house. This isn't adding up. There were other instances where I found condoms in a bag of his while helping him look for his passport that I knew nothing about.

I contact a PI who happens to be a friend of an old coworker for help on tracking him. I felt like he was cheating or engaged in some sort of shady activity. A tracking device was put on his car, and I didn't hear much about his whereabouts, and we were actually getting along well. He was also making it a point to communicate a little more. So, recently, he went out of the country for work (which I confirmed). He left Sunday and said he would be back Wednesday. He called me Tuesday via an app because he was still international and said he didn't know what tie he would be back Wednesday. ODD. I found out later from the PI that my husband actually came back to the state TUESDAY NIGHT and when he called me he was driving to another city and spent the night there! I confronted my husband about his lie to me, and he wanted to know how I knew he came back and where he was. I told him I had him followed, which of course made him livid. We have since apologized for our actions, and he wants to work on the marriage, so he says.

Here is where I need advice: He told me he lied about it because he didn't want me to be upset that he wanted to hang out with his friend "John" who I don't know and have never met. He said he didn't have to spend the night there, but he did because he had already lied about not being back. Since this whole ordeal, he flew to Chicago with "John" and to visit his family but didn't tell me anything about this lil trip beforehand. I can forgive him for lying, and I have, but I cannot get past this whole BS with "John." I haven't been the type to get made when he wants to hang out with friends, but I have said I need to know where you are if you spend the night outside of this house. He felt so compelled to LIE to me about "John," to stay with him, and even travel with him, but I have NO idea who he is and we have never? I'm not stupid and I sure as hell don't believe it is a damn "John." My husband is adamant about only wanting me and not being with any other woman, but I feel like he is lying about THAT. I have no proof as to who he was with, so I don't know how to handle this. HELP!

I have left our house and do not plan on returning for a while. My husband wants to brush past this, and I can't get over this "John" BS. We have already been in counseling for months (pre and post marriage) to address his communication issues, so I don't have much faith that counseling will help. I am contemplating a divorce because I can't deal with the dishonesty.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Dive1234 said:


> Hello all. I am a newly wed--6 months into my marriage. And there are already trust issues. We were long distance the entire time we dated (a little over a year), and when we got married, I moved and we started living together. It is my first time living with a significant other. I have issues with him withholding information from me or not openly communicating.
> 
> He leaves the house and goes random places. Something as simple as asking what he did during the day just for conversation is an issue because he is adamant about NOT telling me "everywhere he goes." I have asked where he goes when it comes to me from third parties that they saw him at random places that he happened to leave out when we talked. For instance, he can tell me he went to the grocery store and Verizon, but he will leave out that he met his friend for lunch, but I will hear about he lunch from someone else who mentions it in general conversation. It is stupid to leave that out because I don't care, but he does this consistently.
> 
> ...


This is not a communication issue,this is shady behavior at best and at worst he is cheating constantly on you.
What was his explanation for getting back home from the gated community without actually passing through the gate.
You can’t live like this,wondering where he is and what he is up to,he sounds like a really dodgy guy to me.
Do you mind me asking what is the age difference and what culture are you both from.


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## Dive1234 (Jun 23, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> This is not a communication issue,this is shady behavior at best and at worst he is cheating constantly on you.
> What was his explanation for getting back home from the gated community without actually passing through the gate.
> You can’t live like this,wondering where he is and what he is up to,he sounds like a really dodgy guy to me.
> Do you mind me asking what is the age difference and what culture are you both from.


This is clear shady behavior, and I am very concerned about potential infidelity. He told me that he stopped somewhere else AFTER already leaving the gated community. And then he it went into, "I'm not going to tell you every single place where I go! If I say I have something to do, and it takes that long, why can't it just be that?!" And I told him I can't live like this.

He is 6 years older than I am. As far as culture, I'm not sure what you mean. Both American, but I do know that his father was notorious for having extramarital affairs but was still somehow SO in love with my husband's mother. Having spoken to his sisters, it was acceptable behavior. My husband knows it is not acceptable behavior for me.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Dive1234 said:


> This is clear shady behavior, and I am very concerned about potential infidelity. He told me that he stopped somewhere else AFTER already leaving the gated community. And then he it went into, "I'm not going to tell you every single place where I go! If I say I have something to do, and it takes that long, why can't it just be that?!" And I told him I can't live like this.
> 
> He is 6 years older than I am. As far as culture, I'm not sure what you mean. Both American, but I do know that his father was notorious for having extramarital affairs but was still somehow SO in love with my husband's mother. Having spoken to his sisters, it was acceptable behavior. My husband knows it is not acceptable behavior for me.


This is like something out of the Sopranos or The Godfather.Does your husband see himself as a mixture of Michael Corleone and Tony Soprano? “Don’t ever question me or ask about my business”.
It seems to be an inbuilt family trait and you need to ask yourself is your standard of living worth putting up with this situation.
Is his business legitimate or is this another thing you aren’t allowed ask about?


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## Dive1234 (Jun 23, 2018)

Ha. His business is legitimate. He actually works for athletes and celebrities (some of them I have met). 

This whole "I'm not going to tell you where I am going" crap is just BS IMO. And I do believe that he was so used to seeing this in his family and he behaved this way in his first marriage (and she accepted it) that it is "normal" for him. (Yes, he was married before and did whatever he wanted, and he was the one who had to file for divorce, which I personally know is true.) I cannot live with this "standard" and he knows that.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

OK, there is no if about anything, he is cheating and his trying to hide it is a poor attempt. 

Why would you marry someone that you did not actually date IRL before you got married? 

You need to see what it is going take for you to divorce. Why he married you, I have no idea.

He has at least one other woman for sure, who knows how many. 

What were you thinking?


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## Dive1234 (Jun 23, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> Why would you marry someone that you did not actually date IRL before you got married?


I'm not sure if that is a question for me or a rhetorical question for him. I have left the house for the time being, and he knows, as I have repeatedly said this, we are in a crisis situation. He even said HE contemplated divorce or an annulment because I had him followed. (SERIOUSLY!) I have been talking to our counselor, and I am trying to sort out my next move. This is VERY disheartening. He tells all of our friends how much he loves me, posts pics of us, etc. I have no idea why he pushed for us to get married, wanted this huge party with all of our friends, etc. IF he planned on doing something despicable crap like THIS! I didn't know what I was I going to find out but I did know that I wanted to see if he was lying to be about his whereabouts.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Dive1234 said:


> I'm not sure if that is a question for me or a rhetorical question for him. I have left the house for the time being, and he knows, as I have repeatedly said this, we are in a crisis situation. He even said HE contemplated divorce or an annulment because I had him followed. (SERIOUSLY!) I have been talking to our counselor, and I am trying to sort out my next move. This is VERY disheartening. He tells all of our friends how much he loves me, posts pics of us, etc. I have no idea why he pushed for us to get married, wanted this huge party with all of our friends, etc. IF he planned on doing something despicable crap like THIS! I didn't know what I was I going to find out but I did know that I wanted to see if he was lying to be about his whereabouts.


He sounds like the type of man who wants to live the single life while still having the “little woman” at home for when he wants to relax.I find it interesting that he was the one who filed for divorce in his last marriage.Did his ex wife play him at his own game,live her own life and not let him know what she was doing or who she was doing it with.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Lying about ones whereabouts has no place in a marriage. And the audacity to turn this around on you as if it's your fault ... well, he sounds like a cheater and/or narcissist to me. 

How do you fit in? Could be you are a prop he uses to let the rest of the world see he's a "normal" guy. Why do I say that? Because this "John" character may be his lover. Any suspicions that your husband could be gay? That would explain his secretiveness about going places with "John."

OTOH, it could be a heterosexual affair. However, regardless of your husband's sexual proclivities, I think you should consider making the separation a permanent thing.

Your husband does not sound like marriage material.


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## Dive1234 (Jun 23, 2018)

As background, he left his ex wife. While they were marrid, he consistently was with other people, and her stipulation was "just don't let me find out about it." He moved out of state and as openly living with and dating another woman and his ex wife knew. She told him they were divorced and had him sign paperwork for child support. When he moved back after calling it off with his ex gf, his ex wife was thinking he would just come home. But he discovered he was still married, confronef her, and then he filed for divorce. 

As for "John," I believe that is just another lie and he is seeing someone else. He will not admit to it, and I don't have hard proof that it is in fact another woman. As I mentioned, he said he wants to move past this, but I believe he is still lying to me.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Dive1234 said:


> As background, he left his ex wife. While they were marrid, he consistently was with other people, and her stipulation was "just don't let me find out about it." He moved out of state and as openly living with and dating another woman and his ex wife knew. She told him they were divorced and had him sign paperwork for child support. When he moved back after calling it off with his ex gf, his ex wife was thinking he would just come home. But he discovered he was still married, confronef her, and then he filed for divorce.
> 
> As for "John," I believe that is just another lie and he is seeing someone else. He will not admit to it, and I don't have hard proof that it is in fact another woman. As I mentioned, he said he wants to move past this, but I believe he is still lying to me.


For your own peace of mind don’t go back.You are dealing with a narcissist and he thinks he is always right.
Just divorce and try and have a relationship with the next guy you marry before the wedding.


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## Dive1234 (Jun 23, 2018)

What do you mean try and have a relationship with the next guy before the wedding? We did have a relationship for over a year before we got married.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Dive1234 said:


> What do you mean try and have a relationship with the next guy before the wedding? We did have a relationship for over a year before we got married.


I mean actually date the guy,meet him every few days at least,have lunch,dinner,sex whatever.
Not online.


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## Dive1234 (Jun 23, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> I mean actually date the guy,meet him every few days at least,have lunch,dinner,sex whatever.
> Not online.


We didn't meet online. We met in person through a mutual friend who introduced us. We saw each other practically every other weekend but sometimes more often if our scheduleds allowed it. Our relationship was very public. I'm not sure what I said that made you assume we met and dated online before getting married, but that is not the case. We were long distance.


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## Dive1234 (Jun 23, 2018)

It is also worth noting I guess that he has been without work for about a month now. His job was public and he worked around 60 hours a week.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Dive1234 said:


> Hello all. I am a newly wed--6 months into my marriage. And there are already trust issues. We were long distance the entire time we dated (a little over a year), and when we got married, I moved and we started living together. It is my first time living with a significant other. I have issues with him withholding information from me or not openly communicating.
> 
> He leaves the house and goes random places. Something as simple as asking what he did during the day just for conversation is an issue because he is adamant about NOT telling me "everywhere he goes." I have asked where he goes when it comes to me from third parties that they saw him at random places that he happened to leave out when we talked. For instance, he can tell me he went to the grocery store and Verizon, but he will leave out that he met his friend for lunch, but I will hear about he lunch from someone else who mentions it in general conversation. It is stupid to leave that out because I don't care, but he does this consistently.
> 
> ...


Your new H is as shady as ****! Why would he need to hide anything from you at all, and this is such as new marriage. You are right to leave him. He wants to rug sweep, a sympton suffered by all cheaters, hope you will just get over it and move on.
You should have him followed so more to get hard proof, I suspect he is cheating and has a girlfriend or even an ex wife (was he married before, would you know?)
Tell his parents, your parents, all your friends what is happening
See a lawyer and file for divorce, you do not need this level of deceit in your life, you can do much better and believe me it will only get worse, not better.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Dive1234 said:


> I'm not sure if that is a question for me or a rhetorical question for him. I have left the house for the time being, and he knows, as I have repeatedly said this, we are in a crisis situation. He even said HE contemplated divorce or an annulment because I had him followed. (SERIOUSLY!) I have been talking to our counselor, and I am trying to sort out my next move. This is VERY disheartening. He tells all of our friends how much he loves me, posts pics of us, etc. I have no idea why he pushed for us to get married, wanted this huge party with all of our friends, etc. IF he planned on doing something despicable crap like THIS! I didn't know what I was I going to find out but I did know that I wanted to see if he was lying to be about his whereabouts.


He posts pictures etc of you to put on a show for your friends. YOU should call him out in front of them and ask him to explain where he was.


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## Dive1234 (Jun 23, 2018)

Thanks everyone. I did actually confront him with the other woman earlier today. Whew! His sister actually called me because based on what he told her, she was concerned that I was being obsessive. Fortunately, she heard the confrontation. He lied to her too about "John." 

She spoke to both of us, and he admitted he screwed up and created the current situation we are in. He is supposed to tell me EVERYTHING but knows that reconciliation is not guaranteed (or even a viable option at the moment).

My bags are packed. And I did contact his best man about what happened.


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## Therelocatedwife (Nov 23, 2017)

Dive1234 said:


> Thanks everyone. I did actually confront him with the other woman earlier today. Whew! His sister actually called me because based on what he told her, she was concerned that I was being obsessive. Fortunately, she heard the confrontation. He lied to her too about "John."
> 
> She spoke to both of us, and he admitted he screwed up and created the current situation we are in. He is supposed to tell me EVERYTHING but knows that reconciliation is not guaranteed (or even a viable option at the moment).
> 
> My bags are packed. And I did contact his best man about what happened.




Dive1234, I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. I am sad to notice how so many things you've mentioned are exactly what I went through with my now separated husband who I'll be filing for divorce in a few weeks time. 

My story is so similar. Dated my ex (5 years older than me) via long distance just over a hear, we never lived together but he proposed out of the blue which I totally didn't expect, I was in love and completely swept off my feet and made a move from Canada to the US to start our life together as a married couple in MAY2017. I had a successful career, lived alone, and had an independent life but I gave up all that for him and our marriage.

Few months into our marriage, I was realizing he lies about the smallest things which I would've never cared about. 
Exactly like what you're experiencing! He would OMIT the fact that he went for beers with colleagues after work or "forget to tell me" that he went for lunch with so and so..so many times!!! He also refused to have a joint bank account, and while I wasn't able to work yet due to pending work visa, he would encourage me to pay for things from my savings I brought over, while he would buy himself all designer goods like Gucci, Louis Vuitton, etc etc etc. It was insane.

What really finally got me going with my doubt was (probably by the 6th month into our marriage)the night we went out with a few friends and got very very intoxicated.
We had such a wonderful night though, everything was great until we got home.
Within the first minute after we got home while I was getting changed, he left the house without warning and went drunk driving over to his male colleague's house at 1AM. I was so upset that he risked his and other people's life by doing something so irresponsible and I began to question his moral+decision making ability etc. I also asked why he left me and had to drive off? and he wasn't able to really give me a clear answer other than he wanted to keep partying...
By then, I had a gut feeling that I SHOULD NOT TRUST HIM. 

One day, I went through his text messages and found out that he had been seeing prostitutes while we were in LDR, despite after numerous conversations we've had that he is 100% committed to me, we are in an exclusive relationship, and that he doesn't want me to be with anybody else etc. The most recent attempt I could find was as recently as 2 weeks before he proposed to me.
Not only that, I googled those mystery phone numbers and found out that they were TRANS SEXUAL prostitutes.
He was not only risking his but also MY health and life the whole time. He used to reassure me "I'm a terrible liar so you won't need to worry, you'll know right away when I'm lying". ALL LIES LIES LIES.
When I confronted him, his first immediate reaction was that he can't believe I went through his stuff and how "low" of me that was etc. About the text messages, he first said he was just joking around with his male colleague and he didn't actually see a prostitute.

You can see my previous pathetic posts as all I could do at the time was come to this forum. Thanks to all the amazing people on the TAM community, I was able to keep my sanity...

At the time, I was in love and still wanted to believe that he just made a huge mistake, we can work on the marriage, etc but long story short, I left him at the end of April this year. (BTW, he was also SO affectionate in front of ppl, he would post lots of pictures of us on Facebook, just like your H).
Looking back, he seemed to have no remorse over what he did to me or our marriage. I had spent over $10,000 of my own savings since I moved in with him while not being able to work, not to mention all my belongings that I sold back when I was moving to be with him, my career that I gave up etc etc I am still recovering from all the damage.

I agree with what some others have said, your husband could be a narcissist. Now that I am more calm and have most of my sanity back, I KNOW my ex is a Narcissist. This is why he proposed to me so quickly (only after one year of LDR), because I am a giver and I was his narcissistic supply - I had something that he could benefit from (I am young, educated, not bad looking, I did everything around the house, I would do anything for him etc). Looking back, he had no remorse, he couldn't get rid of me sooner AS IF I was the person who cheated, he has not cared about me since I left the USA with depleted savings and no job for a year at this point. 

When he was telling his family, he again, OMITTED the fact that our relationship was failing as I was having a hard time accepting + forgiving his infidelity with TRANS prostitutes. He just basically told his family that he is so fed up with me because I am "too moody".

Anyway, please please talk to your family and really give it a good thought. For me, I wish I had never married this man and I wish I had left sooner. If you are experiencing what you're experiencing so early in your marriage, it only sounds like it is going to get worse OR he is going to get better at hiding + lying. You DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER than this. 
One small lie is a sign that he is definitely lying + hiding about other things. Like some said, I wonder if you are "his beard", as in you are being used so he can appear as though he is a normal loving family man when he is actually gay... That's what I wonder about my ex sometimes.

Either ways, please proceed with caution!!!!!


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## dzz (Apr 24, 2014)

Dive1234 said:


> As background, he left his ex wife. While they were marrid, he consistently was with other people, and her stipulation was "just don't let me find out about it." He moved out of state and as openly living with and dating another woman and his ex wife knew. She told him they were divorced and had him sign paperwork for child support. When he moved back after calling it off with his ex gf, his ex wife was thinking he would just come home. But he discovered he was still married, confronef her, and then he filed for divorce.
> 
> As for "John," I believe that is just another lie and he is seeing someone else. He will not admit to it, and I don't have hard proof that it is in fact another woman. As I mentioned, he said he wants to move past this, but I believe he is still lying to me.


Dear God. If I knew this was a man's history, I would never marry him. I'm sorry things have turned out badly for you. I suppose we all think love (and marriage) can change a person for the better, but the truth is it doesn't - they just hide their proclivities more carefully.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Dive1234 said:


> As background, he left his ex wife. While they were marrid, he consistently was with other people, and her stipulation was "just don't let me find out about it." He moved out of state and as openly living with and dating another woman and his ex wife knew. She told him they were divorced and had him sign paperwork for child support. When he moved back after calling it off with his ex gf, his ex wife was thinking he would just come home. But he discovered he was still married, confronef her, and then he filed for divorce.
> 
> As for "John," I believe that is just another lie and he is seeing someone else. He will not admit to it, and I don't have hard proof that it is in fact another woman. As I mentioned, he said he wants to move past this, but I believe he is still lying to me.


So he cheated on his ex-wife?

Sadly it seems you have replaced his ex-wife as the person he cheats on whilst he dates whomever. John? Hmmm. Is your husband possibly bisexual?


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## Therelocatedwife (Nov 23, 2017)

Dive1234 said:


> He even said HE contemplated divorce or an annulment because I had him followed. (SERIOUSLY!)



"Manipulators use distraction and diversion techniques to keep the focus off their behavior, move us off-track, and keep themselves free to promote their self-serving agendas."

"Deflection: a narcissist responds to any discussion or confrontation of his actions by changing the focus onto the victim’s behavior and keeping it there."


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I have a feeling you were "his friend John" to some other woman while you guys were doing the long-distance thing. I bet he has many similar friends named John.

I personally think you should move on. I strongly feel you should not reconcile. This is just too broken to fix in any sort of meaningful way. I predict your relationship would be a cycle of investigate->confront->short improvement->mysterious activities->investigate->confront.... and so on forever. The only reason to stay is if you like that kind of drama. Any sort of confession and recovery you have after this incident is not going to bring about any long-lasting change.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Yeah, not surprising. Honestly that **** he pulled with saying HE thinks he wants a divorce because you had him followed is where I DRAW THE MF'ing line.... He tries to claim outrage? Then he says he wants a divorce because he KNOWS he cant be honest and he does not want you catching him again. 

divorce.... PLEASE this man is a joke of a husband. Don't even wait for his BS EXPLANATION. it wont be the full truth anyway. 

NO FREAKING JOKE. i hope you dont even entertain staying with this arse.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Dive1234 said:


> Thanks everyone. I did actually confront him with the other woman earlier today. Whew! His sister actually called me because based on what he told her, she was concerned that I was being obsessive. Fortunately, she heard the confrontation. He lied to her too about "John."
> 
> She spoke to both of us, and he admitted he screwed up and created the current situation we are in. He is supposed to tell me EVERYTHING but knows that reconciliation is not guaranteed (or even a viable option at the moment).
> 
> My bags are packed. And I did contact his best man about what happened.


Good! Now, no matter what DO NOT let him talk you out of leaving and ending this sham of a marriage! You have no future here, and better you found out now than after having invested ten years of your life and children in the picture! What a sleaze!


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

Dive1234 said:


> Hello all. I am a newly wed--6 months into my marriage. And there are already trust issues. We were long distance the entire time we dated (a little over a year), and when we got married, I moved and we started living together. It is my first time living with a significant other. I have issues with him withholding information from me or not openly communicating.
> 
> He leaves the house and goes random places. Something as simple as asking what he did during the day just for conversation is an issue because he is adamant about NOT telling me "everywhere he goes." I have asked where he goes when it comes to me from third parties that they saw him at random places that he happened to leave out when we talked. For instance, he can tell me he went to the grocery store and Verizon, but he will leave out that he met his friend for lunch, but I will hear about he lunch from someone else who mentions it in general conversation. It is stupid to leave that out because I don't care, but he does this consistently.
> 
> ...


What do you want help with? To fix the relationship or to leave the relationship?

Since you are a newlywed, and you have already encountered this level of deception, I think you were right to leave. He needed a 2X4 between the eyes. I would have done the same things you did.

I read your whole post and you aren't into this relationship far enough to have gotten to a point of being invested in the relationship. He's clearly not invested. 

While I normally encourage people to engage in openness and honesty in relationships, there has to be *some* investment already. When a person right out of the box is unwilling to engage, (he hasn't) the cornerstone of the relationship isn't even in place. There's nothing to build on.


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## Dive1234 (Jun 23, 2018)

UPDATE:

So, I did actually catch him with HER. Shortly after my posts, I knew he was returning from visiting his family out of town, and I sat and waited for him to pick up his car at HER apartment. His sister whom he visited called me to talk, and he had clearly lied to her and left out key info about what was going on. And during the convo, I saw him walking with HER because she picked him up from the airport. I confronted him, and it was a mess. He clearly didn't expect to see me.

That night after he fessed up while on the phone with me and his sister, we talked and he came clean with everything. He says he wants to work through this with me, but also has an issue with being controlled. (Huh?) So, he answers all questions, deleted the social media account that started the ****, cut things off with her (which I can at least verify), and agreed to consistently seeing our counselor. Now, one of his sons is staying with us for a month, and H and I went on a pre planned vacation to get back on track. 

Sadly, I am still one foot out the door. I refuse to bring my packed bags back in our place. I admittedly don't know if this can be worked through. All of the comments here are well received.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Dive1234 said:


> UPDATE:
> 
> So, I did actually catch him with HER. Shortly after my posts, I knew he was returning from visiting his family out of town, and I sat and waited for him to pick up his car at HER apartment. His sister whom he visited called me to talk, and he had clearly lied to her and left out key info about what was going on. And during the convo, I saw him walking with HER because she picked him up from the airport. I confronted him, and it was a mess. He clearly didn't expect to see me.
> 
> ...


Dive, I am pro-reconciliation almost to a fault. But there has to be a sliver of hope or redeeming value in the other person to at least give it a shot for a possible path towards normalcy and happiness. I'm sorry but this dude has all of the makings of a master cheater, liar, etc. People like this and this is coming from a religious dude .... do not change. Best thing to do, if you are even giving this the slightest of chances. Give him all of your deal breakers. He will have to comply 100% and let him fail under the weight of them (these deal breakers would not be hard for a normal human being with good values) or see if he can be a 1%'er and fulfill all of them. The heavy lifting has to be all on him to try and salvage this but I have a feeling he will bust out the controlling or suffocating card very soon. When he does, tell him you can help him there ... by giving him total control of his new 'single' life.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Dive1234 said:


> He says he wants to work through this with me, but also has an issue with being controlled. (Huh?)


He's trying manipulate you into staying. What he means is "I want us to stay together, but don't ask questions, snoop, or put any boundaries on my destructive behavior." I'm sure he'll say more things along the same lines like "You need to trust me first" and "You're just like all the other women who can't give a guy his space", and "Who are you going to believe? Me or your lying eyes?"

The *only* way this relationship has any chance is if he becomes totally transparent. Essentially, that means you would need to have total control. He can't be trusted to be a good husband, so you'll need to constantly babysit him. It's hard to see how he would be okay with that. And with the relationship so short, it's hard to see why it would be worth all that trouble anyway.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Dive1234 said:


> As background, he left his ex wife. While they were marrid, he consistently was with other people, and her stipulation was "just don't let me find out about it." He moved out of state and as openly living with and dating another woman and his ex wife knew. She told him they were divorced and had him sign paperwork for child support. When he moved back after calling it off with his ex gf, his ex wife was thinking he would just come home. But he discovered he was still married, confronef her, and then he filed for divorce.
> 
> As for "John," I believe that is just another lie and he is seeing someone else. He will not admit to it, and I don't have hard proof that it is in fact another woman. As I mentioned, he said he wants to move past this, but I believe he is still lying to me.


You got yourself a lying, cheating, self-absorbed husband. Do yourself a favor, annull the marriage while you can. Your marriage is a sham.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What he really wants -- like many cheaters -- is marriage with all the comforts plus someone on the side for fun. If you're not okay with that then you need to move on. Otherwise, your life is likely to be as it is now. Change is difficult and requires a lot of work. While they'll tell you they will and they'll promise you they will the problem is -- the majority of the time -- they won't.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Life is hard enough without being married to a cheater. 

I believed my husband's promises the first time. The second time I got out. What will it take for you to believe you're,worth more than you're getting?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Dive1234 said:


> He says he wants to work through this with me, but also has an issue with being controlled. (Huh?) ... Sadly, I am still one foot out the door.


If any man ever told me he had a control "issue" after being caught red handed, I'd have BOTH feet out the door and moving immediately in the direction of an attorney's office. Just sayin' ...


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Dive1234 said:


> UPDATE:
> 
> So, I did actually catch him with HER. Shortly after my posts, I knew he was returning from visiting his family out of town, and I sat and waited for him to pick up his car at HER apartment. His sister whom he visited called me to talk, and he had clearly lied to her and left out key info about what was going on. And during the convo, I saw him walking with HER because she picked him up from the airport. I confronted him, and it was a mess. He clearly didn't expect to see me.
> 
> ...


Only* ONE* foot?

You married him KNOWING what a slime ball he is. The serial cheater *continually* cheated on his first wife - to the point where she told him she didn't want to know or hear about it. How's THAT for choosing to bury her head in the sand? Then Prince Charming the serial cheater ends up leaving her for whatever side squeeze he had at the time and divorces her.

He's a real prince, this one.

Whatever made you think he was worthy of even DATING, much less marrying? Did you honestly think this POS would suddenly become a decent human being with honor and integrity? That ship sailed long ago and that ain't happening.

If you waste even MORE of your life on this loser and stay with him, expect to have this happen many, many, many MORE times. You can drag his ass to all the therapists you want , it won't matter. His type doesn't change. And if you honestly think his deleting some social media account means ANYTHING, you're sadly wrong. All he's doing is pacifying you right now.

You'll eventually find the NEW secret social media account he's likely *already* made. You'll also find out about more bimbos in the future. And you'll probably eventually find his burner phone. If I had a nickel for every serial cheater like this guy who pulled the wool over his wife's eyes again and again and again like he's doing with you, I'd be RICH.

I know you want to believe him and ultimately will decide to stay with him because you want to believe he'll do right by you. But eventually, you'll find out we were all right. We've seen this story played out over and over and over and it never ends well. But sadly, that's something you'll need to learn for yourself.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Dive, please give considered thought to the advice given. We see a lot of stories here, and yours is a clear example of one where you should leave and not look back.

Also, I hope you do some introspection as to why you were with him and why you are putting up with this. What is holding you to him? Whatever fears you have for the future are probably not as bad as you imagine (or maybe not real at all).

This man is a slow-acting poison to your life. He won't kill your spirit right away. Instead, he'll chip away at it and you get accustomed to a new version of normal as you live a sadder and sadder life. There is no happy outcome with him. It's just going lower and lower until you decide you can't take anymore.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Dive1234 said:


> UPDATE:
> 
> He says he wants to work through this with me, but also has an issue with being controlled. (Huh?)
> 
> Sadly, I am still one foot out the door. I refuse to bring my packed bags back in our place. I admittedly don't know if this can be worked through.


Has an issue being controlled? Oh brother. That's so asinine! Listen, this whole thing has been B.A.D. from the get-go. You're only 6 months in, it'll only get worse from here.

Go ahead and get BOTH feet out the door. Now. End this ridiculous charade of a marriage. He's SO NOT marriage material. He's a pig. Get out right now!!! Before you have kids, a mortgage, and an intertwined life.


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## TomatoPaste (Sep 25, 2017)

Dive1234, its horrible what your husband did to you, all the drama, lies, for weeks or months....lots and lots of terrible stuff.

But do you know what is worse than that?

You being still in that relationship.

What is it about you that would keep you in that game? Having 1 foot out the door is BS...you are all in until you are out.

The fact that you are still in says something terrible about you too.


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