# Question about men...



## Starshine1985 (10 mo ago)

My husband is 41 and I'm 36. We dated VERY briefly 13 years ago and then he ghosted me. He went on to date a girl for many years and I went on and married my now ex-husband a year later. I was with my ex for 8 years, then moved back home while going through the divorce. My current husband contacted me right after I moved back and wanted to meet up for coffee, I declined and he kept pursuing. Anyway I finally went out with him and he's been 1,000% committed and amazing since. 

Why do men date women for so long without proposing marriage and others (like my husband) know pretty soon that they want to spend the rest of their lives with someone? I'm especially curious since he's older, dated and bedded a LOT of women? I'm younger, fairly naive, a good girl and haven't much experience sexually or with dating other men.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Could just be timing in your case?

I'm sure there are some generalities in men who have dated for a while but I personally wouldn't be dating someone I wasn't interested in marrying and I could definitely figure it out before too much time had passed.

I didn't really date , traditionally anyway, before meeting my wife.

I was with a lot of women but wasn't interested in long term until I saw my wife and then I instantly knew. It will be 31 years this August since our first date.

Why didn't you guys get serious 13 years ago?

Did he ever say why he ghosted you?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Do you think it could largely depend on what they are able to get away with? What I mean by that is if the woman allows the relationship to go on and on for years with no proposal, then some men just may not bother. 
That's why I think that it needs to be discussed early on in the relationship what each wants. If one wants marriage/children and the other wants just a more casual relationship with no committment then it's never going to work.
I would be concerned if there had been no proposal after say a year. I wouldn't live with a guy unless we were married anyway so a relationship that was going on and on would be pointless for me. 
We were married in less than a year. He proposed after just a few months.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Starshine1985 said:


> Why do men date women for so long without proposing marriage


In my case I wanted to be 100% certain, I was 85% certain last relationship but she kept pushing for it and walla, it bit me in the ass 3 months later. 4 year relationship at that point, wished I waited 3 more months could have saved myself 15k.

There simply could be underlying issues that is causing this uncertainty that should be addressed first.


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## Starshine1985 (10 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> Could just be timing in your case?
> 
> I'm sure there are some generalities in men who have dated for a while but I personally wouldn't be dating someone I wasn't interested in marrying and I could definitely figure it out before too much time had passed.
> 
> ...


We both were very immature.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Starshine1985 said:


> We both were very immature.


Makes sense. Timing then. Sounds like you are both pretty happy now though.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Starshine1985 said:


> We both were very immature.


He was 28 and you 25 so not that young. I had been married for 9 years and had 3 children at his age then.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> In my case I wanted to be 100% certain, I was 85% certain last relationship but she kept pushing for it and walla, it bit me in the ass 3 months later. 4 year relationship at that point, wished I waited 3 more months could have saved myself 15k.
> 
> There simply could be underlying issues that is causing this uncertainty that should be addressed first.


I can't imagine not knowing after 4 years.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Diana7 said:


> I can't imagine not knowing after 4 years.


Guess it was a case of hope that the issues would be ironed out, on both sides.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Got it backwards, sorry.
I don’t have a clue.
Shutting up now.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Why are did you marry someone who ghosted you in the first place?


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## Starshine1985 (10 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> Why are did you marry someone who ghosted you in the first place?


Like I said before, we were both super immature and I made him work for me before even getting serious. He earned marriage to me.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> Guess it was a case of hope that the issues would be ironed out, on both sides.


Yes, so red flags.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Starshine1985 said:


> My husband is 41 and I'm 36. We dated VERY briefly 13 years ago and then he ghosted me. He went on to date a girl for many years and I went on and married my now ex-husband a year later. I was with my ex for 8 years, then moved back home while going through the divorce. My current husband contacted me right after I moved back and wanted to meet up for coffee, I declined and he kept pursuing. Anyway I finally went out with him and he's been 1,000% committed and amazing since.
> 
> Why do men date women for so long without proposing marriage and others (like my husband) know pretty soon that they want to spend the rest of their lives with someone? I'm especially curious since he's older, dated and bedded a LOT of women? I'm younger, fairly naive, a good girl and haven't much experience sexually or with dating other men.


Have you asked him why he dated his ex for so long and didn't propose? Why he played the field for so long before settling down?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Diana7 said:


> Yes, so red flags.


Aye, red flags and love, along with the foolish notion that love was enough. Live and learn.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Starshine1985 said:


> My husband is 41 and I'm 36. We dated VERY briefly 13 years ago and then he ghosted me. He went on to date a girl for many years and I went on and married my now ex-husband a year later. I was with my ex for 8 years, then moved back home while going through the divorce. My current husband contacted me right after I moved back and wanted to meet up for coffee, I declined and he kept pursuing. Anyway I finally went out with him and he's been 1,000% committed and amazing since.
> 
> Why do men date women for so long without proposing marriage and others (like my husband) know pretty soon that they want to spend the rest of their lives with someone? I'm especially curious since he's older, dated and bedded a LOT of women? I'm younger, fairly naive, a good girl and haven't much experience sexually or with dating other men.


He's only 5 years older than you, so I would really classify him as being "older". Also, curious that you know if bedded a lot of women. Did he just freely share that or you asked?

How long have you been married now? If I'm doing the math right you've been together something like 4 years. You say he has been 1,000% committed and amazing, yet you are here asking about his actions from the past. Why is that? Is there something about him or the marriage that has you concerned? Sorry for so many questions, but it seems like there is more to the story here than simple curiosity.


As for when and why guys decide to move from dating to marriage. There will probably be as many different answers as there are couples out there. For me my maturity level had a lot to do with it. When I got to the point of realizing adulthood was coming I woke up and realized what I had right in from of me. That was two years into our relationship. That is just my story and I don't know how much it really applied to others.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

it is pretty simple. he knew you, dated you, then you got away.
he probaby, over the years, thought back about you and said something like "boy i screwed up to let her go. if she is ever free again, i am going for it!"

so in effect, his decision was made years ago, but was on hold until you showed up in town again


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I didn't even consider getting married until I was 30. That's when I started dating my now wife and I proposed when I was 31 and she was about to be 28. 

When I was 23 I'm not sure I would have considered marrying Heidi Klume or Jenifer Anniston if I was dating either of them. 
And quite frankly I don't think people should marry until at least upper 20s and have completed a marketable degree or marketable job training program and are gainfully employed in their field. 

I don't think the question should be why men date a long time before getting married. I think the question should be why do some marry so young?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Starshine1985 said:


> Like I said before, we were both super immature and I made him work for me before even getting serious. He earned marriage to me.


Fair enough. I’m not sure about the concept of making someone “earning” a marriage… but there you go…


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

We do in fact know the reason for everything every man does, but since you are a woman, we aren't allowed to tell you.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Starshine1985 said:


> My husband is 41 and I'm 36. We dated VERY briefly 13 years ago and then he ghosted me. He went on to date a girl for many years and I went on and married my now ex-husband a year later. I was with my ex for 8 years, then moved back home while going through the divorce. My current husband contacted me right after I moved back and wanted to meet up for coffee, I declined and he kept pursuing. Anyway I finally went out with him and he's been 1,000% committed and amazing since.
> 
> Why do men date women for so long without proposing marriage and others (like my husband) know pretty soon that they want to spend the rest of their lives with someone? I'm especially curious since he's older, dated and bedded a LOT of women? I'm younger, fairly naive, a good girl and haven't much experience sexually or with dating other men.


Assuming they aren't recovering from a bad relationship, the simplest answer is that men compartmentalize their roles and like to focus on one area of their life at a time. That means, they won't be thinking too much about their relationship, if there is the possibility of a promotion at work. They will focus on the promotion first. Once they obtain that, then whatever is secondary in their minds will then become the primary thought.


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## Starshine1985 (10 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> Fair enough. I’m not sure about the concept of making someone “earning” a marriage… but there you go…


Marriage should be earned. You're choosing to spend your life with someone.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Well, there are plenty of reasons. In my case, I didn't know whether the woman I wanted to marry would be staying in the US. I just lived with her for a little over a year in case she would need her freedom. It would have crushed me to lose her, but I had to let it be. We've been married 44 years now.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> I didn't even consider getting married until I was 30. That's when I started dating my now wife and I proposed when I was 31 and she was about to be 28.
> 
> When I was 23 I'm not sure I would have considered marrying Heidi Klume or Jenifer Anniston if I was dating either of them.
> And quite frankly I don't think people should marry until at least upper 20s and have completed a marketable degree or marketable job training program and are gainfully employed in their field.
> ...


It was very normal to marry young not so long ago. It's only recently that people marry and have children so late. People didn't live together then either.
I know many couples who married around 20, all still married well over 40 years later. Good solid marriages as well. People grew up sooner then, were more mature earlier.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Starshine1985 said:


> Marriage should be earned. You're choosing to spend your life with someone.


Marriage should be a natural union of two like-minded individuals. If you have to "earn" something, you are on the wrong path.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

He may also have considered that you have been married and was not a girl that had been around the block a few times. Made you even more desirable to him. 

When I met my wife, I just started to clean my house(Batchelor pad). Even my mom knew something was different about her. I was awestruck that some fine little thing like this was giving this big ole country boy a consideration. She was a 5'04" brunette, blue eyed vision of heaven. Those blue eyes had me in a trance I could not escape from. And next time I saw her in those Daisy Dukes I was a goner. 

I was 24 and she was about to be 28. She was separated from her hubby waiting on the 6 month separation before divorce. I was 23 before I was with a girl as I was looking for the girl to get serious with that had not been around the block. My wife was married at 17 and I met her 5 months after separation. She fit the bill in what I was looking for, her 🔥 factor was a bonus.

Started dating Sept, divorce final Oct., Moved in with me Dec., proposed Feb. 14, married May. That was 25 yrs ago. Another thing that helped assure me was that her ex was a serial cheater and she really, really despised cheating. That encouraged me that she would be a faithful wife. Previous serious GF cheated on me when I was 23. Should have known a 34 yr old red headed nympho divorcee would not be faithful. Thank the Lord.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Starshine1985 said:


> My husband is 41 and I'm 36. We dated VERY briefly 13 years ago and then he ghosted me. He went on to date a girl for many years and I went on and married my now ex-husband a year later. I was with my ex for 8 years, then moved back home while going through the divorce. My current husband contacted me right after I moved back and wanted to meet up for coffee, I declined and he kept pursuing. Anyway I finally went out with him and he's been 1,000% committed and amazing since.
> 
> Why do men date women for so long without proposing marriage and others (like my husband) know pretty soon that they want to spend the rest of their lives with someone? I'm especially curious since he's older, dated and bedded a LOT of women? I'm younger, fairly naive, a good girl and haven't much experience sexually or with dating other men.


For me, I was very much pressured into marriage when I was young and had my first child. I was with that girl for 7 years (6 years too long) and knew she wasn't the one so never got married despite all the pressure. After that fell through, I dated and not one girl even came close to what I thought was right for me.

When I met my wife, I thought it was a one night stand and was not looking for anything serious. After dating for about 2 months, seeing each other only on weekends, I knew she was the one because she did two things different than every other woman i've been with. It's been a great ride ever since.

I guess what I'm trying to say is some people get comfortable in relationships and guys don't usually want to marry comfortable so that relationship can go on in perpetuity without ever leading to marriage. When the right women comes along, he knows it (IF he's been around) pretty quickly and the marriage proposal is imminent.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Mybabysgotit said:


> For me, I was very much pressured into marriage when I was young and had my first child. I was with that girl for 7 years (6 years too long) and knew she wasn't the one so never got married despite all the pressure. After that fell through, I dated and not one girl even came close to what I thought was right for me.
> 
> When I met my wife, I thought it was a one night stand and was not looking for anything serious. After dating for about 2 months, seeing each other only on weekends, I knew she was the one because she did two things different than every other woman i've been with. It's been a great ride ever since.
> 
> I guess what I'm trying to say is some people get comfortable in relationships and guys don't usually want to marry comfortable so that relationship can go on in perpetuity without ever leading to marriage. When the right women comes along, he knows it (IF he's been around) pretty quickly and the marriage proposal is imminent.


I'm curious. What were those two things she did differently that made you know she was the one?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Mybabysgotit said:


> I knew she was the one because she did two things different than every other woman i've been with.


You left us hanging, what were the two things?


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

ccpowerslave said:


> You left us hanging, what were the two things?


She didn't say "I love you" and she didn't smoke. Seems like every other girl I dated was quick on the "I love you" and smoke and drank like a drunken sailor.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Mybabysgotit said:


> She didn't say "I love you" and she didn't smoke. Seems like every other girl I dated was quick on the "I love you" and smoke and drank like a drunken sailor.


I’m very glad my wife didn’t smoke and drink or I’d probably be dead by now because when I met her I did a lot of both and I had quit smoking after going out with her for about a month.


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## DreamGuyxo (10 mo ago)

Reasons why men and women take a while to involve themselves is because of comfortability

Sometimes it takes someone a few days while others it might take years,

What truly matters is that you and your husband continue your relationship the better way you guys can 

Put your trust in your partner and go with the flow, things will be okay 

Maybe even express your feelings to him some day


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

His long term girlfriend was prepared to wait forever for a proposal. 
You weren’t.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Starshine1985 said:


> Why do men date women for so long without proposing marriage and others (like my husband) know pretty soon that they want to spend the rest of their lives with someone? I'm especially curious since he's older, dated and bedded a LOT of women? I'm younger, fairly naive, a good girl and haven't much experience sexually or with dating other men.


“So long” is a relative term as timelines are different. I would offer a couple of reasons as to why they wait:

1) Men, as another poster said, prioritize and compartmentalize things like school, career, etc. These things are important to guys and part of “getting your life together”. If they aren’t being done right, no woman would want a guy like that.

2) Men have a longer timeline WRT fertility so there is little biological urge get pregnant or a closing fertility window. IOW a woman’s child bearing window is different. Men usually don’t get baby fever or drive to start a family.

3) Men don’t usually experience peer-pressure from other guys about getting married. In my experience, women are comparing and watching their friends get married and have kids and don’t want to be “the single friend” or “the childless couple.” So women are keen on the need to “fish or cut bait.” 

4) Dating is an interview and not every relationship needs to culminate in a proposal. For example: on many forums you will find thousands of posts from people complaining they’re in a dead bedroom but feel guilty over dumping someone over sex because “the rest of relationship is awesome.” A lot have already proposed or have been dating while. So hesitancy to pull the trigger is huge as they feel guilty. Some are a little leery to see how the woman will change once she has a ring on her finger. Will she become bossy, etc.

5) Agree or disagree, society reinforces the notion of a guy’s increasing sexual market value. Older established guys are sought after and many know this and play it as an advantage. A young, unemployed, broke guy isn’t a hot commodity and many women would not want a proposal from a guy like that. 

WRT to other part, some guys just know after having dated a number of people especially if they have dated them in the past. You grow and realize they were the one to settle down with. A cool, sexy girlfriend may be a terrible wife in the long run. With life experience, you see what’s a good thing and you also see a fair number of crazy people that are single for a reason. 


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