# my gf is 9 wks pregnant? Advice?



## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

Ok about before July 4rth she told me she was pregnant. I blew up I guess. We just went through that **** last january. I told her I didn't want to talk about it and I'd let her deal with it. The agreement like last time was to abort so I believed. She agreed to it and our conversation it was pretty mutual to make this decision... I had so much to deal with too much stress to deal with it.. She was 4 weeks pregnant. I had second thoughts afterwards like I want to be a dad not really to have any kids with her. My family would really be upset. I'm in an interracial relationship. They'd frown upon that and I never saw myself having kids with her. But apart of me like in the future I want kids I guess not now or this year or next year. Obviously for our situation right this moment it's not that. I have a small job at my college 20 hours a week at the college I go to. We live in a ****ed up hut. I haven't finished college. She hasn't even finished her junior year in high school. She's not even 17 yet. She doesn't have a clue what she's getting herself into. She and her friend have gotten pregnant around the same time. And it's the worst thing that has happened it seems. It's the 
hardest thing now to get her to think rationally while Jessica's(her friend) completely influencing her. Especially now that's she's got her a new job so somehow from being a waitress we're going to be millionaires. That seems sensible. I mean like adding things uo financially she see we're not going to make it neither financially. Neither emotionally. I just feel like this is a sinking ship and I'm not really sure I want to go down on it if she's not going to save herself. I don't know what to do about our relationship. I've been with her 4 years. I can't just walk away I love her too much. But it's just too stress we're getting ready to be screwed have no one to blame but ourselves.. I know I should've been there a month ago supporting her decision to abort and we'd have not had this but I can't help my job was summer was in the way. I couldn't be there for her. Plus I had way too much stress. I just can't believe the mess we're in. I don't see how I can go along with parenting if we have no plan to begin with? Advice please help?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Wow. You want advice? For what? You're a jerk and with a minor.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok you're in college and your girlfriend is 16???

How old are you???

If you don't want to get people pregnant you should 1. either use birth control and pray it works or 2. not have sex with them.

If she wants to keep the baby you are going to have to deal with it and make better decisions in the future and be more mature. As far as you not believing hte mess you're in -- the first scare should have been a wake up call to you.--also, you WILL have to find a way to "go along with parenting." You're going to be a father now.


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

17 year olds go to college you know. I'm 18 in sept though and no that's not illegal. She used birth control. We're barely making it financially for ourselves. I just don't get what I'm supposed to do when it comes just wait to be evicted. Idk. She can't even go home because they're not dafe. So it's like we're losing everything for this.


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

btw if I were a jerk I'd not care and just leave go to canada. I want her to be ok too. She isn't going to be if we have this kid. She hasn't even presented a plan on how we can do this. She treats it like it's an expensive doll or puppy or something imo. I just wish she were realistic true to herself you know.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, nothing you can do about her decision.

Be prepared for anything.

If you aren't ready to be a parent, start using some SERIOUS birth control.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

So the two of you are living together already? How did you get a lease if neither of you is 18? I'm sure that you'll catch a lot of flak, but I can't imagine who wouldn't be freaking out in your position. 

She needs to go to social services, get hooked up with WIC, food stamps, Medicaid etc. That will help with food and medical care for the two of them. She'll probably be eligible for section 8 housing and welfare too, although I'm not sure given that she's a minor. You'll have to decide what you're going to do about staying with her, but there's a huge safety net system in place for young/poor/unwed mothers out there. There are even programs that combine school, parenting and social services access. 

There's also always adoption, although it sounds more like your girlfriend had a bad case of baby fever and isn't likely to go that route. You'll either stick with her or work out child support and visitation and then decide how involved you'll be in the baby's life. If you go the latter route, I'd get it worked out in court from the get-go so that you're covered down the road and she can't come back and try to change it all later on. 

It's a hard road, being this young, but you'll get it worked out.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I am so sorry for your situation. My only suggestion is to have a heart to heart with her and tell her your concerns in a thoughtful and quiet manner.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

"I told her I didn't want to talk about it and I'd let her deal with it."

That's why i called you a jerk. It's BOTH of your problem. Man-up.


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

she was on the pill tats as serious as it gets and I rent family's property


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## regular_guy (Aug 9, 2011)

She probably found you telling her you would let her deal with it quite hurtful. Did you ask your boss the first time she was pregnant for some time off to support her? Its your baby too. If you don't see a future with her why did you continue the relationship? She might be expecting a future with you and have no idea that you don't want to be with her for the long haul. That is pretty cruel to not talk to her about this. If you love her then you have two fair options: marriage or break up. In what way is her friend influencing her? It is really completely up to her whether she keeps the child or not. Once you turn 18 your parents have no obligation to do anything for you nor do they have any control over you. Why do you not see yourself with her for the long haul other than being interracial and your family won't like it? Now it doesn't really matter what your family thinks because she will be a part of your life for the next 19 years if she keeps the child. Your family is just going to have to deal with it now. If the only reason you don't see a future is because your family doesn't like whatever race she you need to grow a backbone and stand up to your family.

If you need a decent job with benefits for the family, the US military (assuming you are from the US) has a wide variety of jobs, offers good benefits, and pays fairly well. But you will have to marry her for her to get any benefits. I did some time on Active Duty so PM if you consider this route.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Actually, the pill is NOT serious. If she misses one, she could ovulate. If she switches pills, they could mess up her hormones. If she is on antibiotics, they can cancel the pill out.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hey collegeguy~

Sorry you are going through these struggles.

Do you have any family or friends that could provide you a much needed ear or lend you the emotional support that you need right now?

I understand that you are not comfortable telling your parents, but your post makes it sound like you and your gf are living together. Are you? If you are, are your parents unaware of this?

It sounds like you are both working? Were you planning on trying to continue going to college and working at the same time? Is your gf still in high school and working as well?

At this point, you and your gf need to make some decisions. You need to sit down together and decide what you are going to do.

Some questions to think about: who you are going to tell, when you are going to tell them, what you will do for money/jobs, what you will do about school/college, what will happen after the baby comes, who will take care of the baby, will the baby be put up for adoption, what happens to your gf job and her schooling if she is still attending during pregnancy.

Lead these conversations if you can - don't be afraid to ask her to sit down with you and start working through these. Don't be afraid or too stressed to try and man up to your responsibilities. Doing so will make you a much better person - and when you have a plan in place you will feel less stressed. 

Does your college or her school have counseling services available? They could help you work through the kinds of issues you could encounter and could help you make some decisions. There could also be some social services or even a help hotline that you could look into so you could find someone who could help you navigate through what may be coming ahead.

God Bless.


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## regular_guy (Aug 9, 2011)

that_girl said:


> "I told her I didn't want to talk about it and I'd let her deal with it."
> 
> That's why i called you a jerk. It's BOTH of your problem. Man-up.


:iagree:

That was not a nice thing to say to your gf. It also gives the impression that your backbone is made of jello.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Here's a web-site you might be interested in:

Teenage Pregnancy Support - Pregnant Teen Help


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

that_girl said:


> "I told her I didn't want to talk about it and I'd let her deal with it."
> 
> That's why i called you a jerk. It's BOTH of your problem. Man-up.


:iagree::iagree:

She got pregnant last January and had an abortion and now she is pregnant again 8 months later? She may have been using birth control but it would appear she wasn't using it correctly or consistently. Maybe you should take some responsibility and start using some birth control. Of course it is to late to prevent what has already happened. 

At this point it is up to her what she does, you can't force her to have an abortion any more than you can prevent her form having one. Your time to prevent this has passed. It would have seemed that last January would have been a wake-up call to be more careful, obviously you didn't get the message.

Why are you with a 16 year old anyway? Aren't there any girls your age at your college?

As for what you are going to do when it comes, you will probably have to get a job. And more than a part time one. You may have to quit college or go only part time at night. It would be good if you could finish college because that would make a better life for you and the child in the future. It can be done. My daughter worked full time, went to school at night and got married and had a baby while still in college. It took her 4 years to get a 2 year degree but she did it. And now she is earning a really good salary and her family is better off for it. 

Can you talk to your family? Would the be supportive at all?


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

she can get into social services as a minor? I didn't know that. I'm not sure of adoption but I don't think unfortunately she's not. I am at this point desperate enough to agree with that if it was sometthing she'd agree on.

she's on medicaid but that's not all our trouble. And man up pretty much means grow money and time.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

No. Man up means be strong for her and yourself. Man up means to work your butt off and not ignore.

This is what happens when you have sex. When you play like adults, you have to act like adults too. They need to teach more sex ed in school.


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

she is my age and we did prepare we used birth control. Condoms are NOT as effective as thre pill stop blaming me for everything I did my part I trustedher to do hers. I'm going to have to quote both of you...


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

regular_guy said:


> She probably found you telling her you would let her deal with it quite hurtful. Did you ask your boss the first time she was pregnant for some time off to support her? Its your baby too. If you don't see a future with her why did you continue the relationship? She might be expecting a future with you and have no idea that you don't want to be with her for the long haul. That is pretty cruel to not talk to her about this. If you love her then you have two fair options: marriage or break up. In what way is her friend influencing her? It is really completely up to her whether she keeps the child or not. Once you turn 18 your parents have no obligation to do anything for you nor do they have any control over you. Why do you not see yourself with her for the long haul other than being interracial and your family won't like it? Now it doesn't really matter what your family thinks because she will be a part of your life for the next 19 years if she keeps the child. Your family is just going to have to deal with it now. If the only reason you don't see a future is because your family doesn't like whatever race she you need to grow a backbone and stand up to your family.
> 
> If you need a decent job with benefits for the family, the US military (assuming you are from the US) has a
> wide variety of jobs, offers good benefits, and pays fairly well. But you will have to marry her for her to get any benefits. I did some time on Active Duty so PM if you consider this route.


I can't go to the military and go to college can I? That's a real question. She knows I don't want that type of future anytime soon. Not because of just my family being black that wouldn't be much of an issue. Rather where we live to start with is on property my fam owns. The facts that we'd both have to juggle working parenting and school and still not be financially stable for a child. Welli guess we could look into assistance from the government but I would really be ashamed to. I've never been poor. And where would we even stay since we'd have to leave. I love and don't want to leave her as I know I leave her and she'll have no place to go. Her best friend is pretty much just guilting her into it I believe. She wants to keep hers and my gf said if she aborted it would be even harder her bff having a baby around the time ours would be born. Plus they are due date buddies so emotionally mainly it is her bff who got her into expecting to parent and all the past weeks.. I don't know about marriage neither of us believe in it.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

collegeguy1 said:


> she can get into social services as a minor?


I think you would need to check in to this to see whether she qualifies or not. Some states will only allow social services if a minor is considered 'emancipated' from their parents.


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

yeah and I used condoms so I guess it was her faukt.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's no one's fault. These things happen.


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## wemogirl (May 31, 2011)

Do you have a pregnancy resource center or Birthright in your area? They can provide emotional support and baby items to moms and dads who need help. Plus they can direct you to social services in your area.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

wemogirl said:


> Do you have a pregnancy resource center or Birthright in your area? They can provide emotional support and baby items to moms and dads who need help. Plus they can direct you to social services in your area.


:iagree: 

In my city, we have a wonderful pregnancy resource center who provides mentors for both parents, as well as all the resources and support needed throughout the pregnancy and afterward. I'd find one of these if you have one in your area


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Hey collegeguy~
> 
> Sorry you are going through these struggles.
> 
> ...


a lot of people know. I actually was the last to know she was keeping it. She doesn't want to put it up for adoption. Even her mom knows and she has no conact with her family. 

we've lived together since last december. Her mother is a monster so we've moved in. She's working and going to school and so am I. She found a job a she can work s ll yeaar round now acts like it's all ok because of it. I think we should consider counseling. We've had convos and she just tells me to get another job or get angry at me because I can't make miracles happen. I can't make all she wants come true I'm just a man. I can't do more than what's in my power. Which how many teenage bfs have their gf klive with them and support them despite struggling. I try to help as much as possible usually.


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

regular_guy said:


> :iagree:
> 
> That was not a nice thing to say to your gf. It also gives the impression that your backbone is made of jello.


yea well if your gf got pregnant a second time and it seemed to be her fault. Maybe if you were in my situation you could see it differently. I dealt with this once hard to handle a second time 


also.... Yea I am looking at counseling we can perhaps go together and figure it out.


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

I think I've gotten her in a better mind frame.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I'm going to try to put this nicely, but you're about to get the same speech I've given to...my 10 year old son. 

Birth control is not just a woman's responsibility. A pregnancy that results from a lack of or failure of birth control is also not just a woman's responsibility. If you don't want to have a baby with a woman, then you have two choices: either don't have sex with her at all or buy some condoms and put one (or two!) on. 

What I see here is you putting A LOT (read that: seems to be all) of the responsibility on her: you didn't want to talk about it and SHE could deal with it; SHE was taking the pill. And if you're not blaming her, you're blaming her best friend. Where is YOUR responsibility in this. Where is the part where you accept that you put your penis into her vagina and got her pregnant? 

I can't believe I'm using this phrase at only 32 years old but here it goes: If you were my son, I'd be kicking your butt all over town right now. You need to stop blaming your girlfriend and her friend and anyone else you're wanting to lay the blame on and lay it squarely where it belongs: YOU and your girlfriend. When you chose to lay down and have with her, you also chose to risk having her be the mother of your child. 

You accepted the possibility of being a father and having her as your parenting partner the first time you had sex with her. That possibility has now become reality. Face it and deal with it. Be a man, and be a father. If that's not what you want to do, then in future, stop having sex or take more precautions. Period.


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

I'm pretty sure green you didn't read the whole thread. I used condoms so really it's HER fault she got pregnant. But it's not really the issue here.



and telling me to accept that I'll be a dad is accepting that my child will have to live in a very bad environment economically and emotionally. My gf really has no idea about kids. I do better with them than she does. She's all panicky with them. And last time we babysat I was doing EVERYTHING. Is it fair to me if she just leaves it off to me when she's found her fun with it has run out. I don't think we as kids ourselves can take care of a kid. I am not legally even an adult. I take care of her pretty much asking me to take on a baby while my schedule is busy to begin with is not compassionate. There were two people who made this baby. Yet I might be the only one involved if I were to parent. I mean I'm the one who pays the bills who has this place in the first place the one who graduated the one who isn't going to be a minor. I'm the only thing keeping it semi-together for her. I sort of feel used. And it can easily fall apart. And who am I to rely on then not her that's obvious. My gf still has issues with her childhood. I mean nothing against those who have abuse or trauma. But she needs more time for herself. Telling me to man up isn't the issue here. I don't have MONEY. Without MONEY I can't do anything no matter how much I man up. Sorry if I ranted here but I really am tired of the senseless comment of man up. If man up meant I'd have all my college courses done I'd have all the money I need. I'd have a gf who could really take on motherhood that's another story. But it doesn't mean that. I can't get more money than what I'm making I can't change the life I live. I'm given this and who would want to have to at 18 find a different place to stay for a whole family. I mean green you're not being realistic with what I'm dealing with.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

If she is keeping it, you have to deal.

I have seen miracles happen out of these situations, when that baby is born that "impossible" situation becomes suddenly possible. it is NOT the end of the world.

It is not her problem to make sure you don't get her pregnant, it is BOTH of your problems. at the very least, despite birth control you could have pulled out. ever read the details? they're only 99% effective when used properly, one slip up, even neglecting to take it at precisely the same time each day will affect the effectiveness of the pill. Further, Birth control affects every woman differently. Both of my best friends children were conceived on the pill. 

You are fathering a child, like it or not. It's time to be a man, and be there for her and your child. Live this experience to the fullest, and do what it takes to make sure that child comes into a safe/stable environment.

No child wants to grow up with a father who wants nothing to do with them, I know, I lived it. that is your offspring, do right by it. 

I have had pregnancy scares, I know that worry and feeling. My friends have all had unexpected children and I've had to step in and be their support systems because "dad" was less than present. You don't want to be that guy, so suck it up and do what is right. No one says you should marry her and be that knight in shinning armor, just take care of your responsibility, your child..Human life that you created.


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

I'm very involved. I'm like the only guy I know who would do all I do for her. She has no experience with children and doesn't seem even comfortable with them. I've actually been far more experienced and know it takes more than what we have.. I don't believe she would be though. I think people are assuming just because she's a female she'd stick around and be a good mom. I don't think she would. I feel I'd be doing everything to raise this kid.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

collegeguy1 said:


> I'm very involved. I'm like the only guy I know who would do all I do for her. She has no experience with children and doesn't seem even comfortable with them. I've actually been far more experienced and know it takes more than what we have.. I don't believe she would be though. *I think people are assuming just because she's a female she'd stick around and be a good mom. I don't think she would. I feel I'd be doing everything to raise this kid*.


That's not it.

See, I've seen this same scenario take place too, (people breed like crazy around here) She may be a horrible mom, she most likely does NOT realize what is entailed in having a child and what a life long commitment it actually is. that, however, is irrelevant unless you're going to talk her into an abortion in the next 3 weeks.

What we are saying, is that you BOTH made this child. no form of birth control is 100%..ever. If she doesn't turn out to be a good mom, it is your obligation as the man who chose to stick his penis into this girl to stand up for the child you made, even if it was an accident and regardless of her position in things. 

it is what you owe the life you created. it's called responsibility. If you're doing everything you can for her now, keep doing it. If you're not, start doing it. Ignore your resentment towards her for not handling it as you wanted her to when you left her with that decision to make and think of the child, a life that can't even feed itself composed of your DNA. That needs to be your priority, and part of that is keeping yourself accepting and on good terms with the mother, even if you two aren't together forever. 

You love her, you don't want to leave her, this child was therefore made from your love for each other. anything is possible, even the toughest situation, you need to accept what is happening, take it in stride, and cope with it.


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

CLucas976 said:


> That's not it.
> 
> See, I've seen this same scenario take place too, (people breed like crazy around here) She may be a horrible mom, she most likely does NOT realize what is entailed in having a child and what a life long commitment it actually is. that, however, is irrelevant unless you're going to talk her into an abortion in the next 3 weeks.
> 
> ...


I have a month or so to persuade her really it's just hard to get through to her when she's going down a fast road headed to unplanned parenthood. And I guess agree


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## regular_guy (Aug 9, 2011)

Yes, you can go to college while in the military, they will even pay for it. You will have to work your a** off though because you will be working full time as well. When you look at the pay charts the base pay is a bit deceptive. You can live on installation at no cost, or you will get a tax free housing allowance, and you get a tax free grocery allowance. None of that is included in the base pay. When you get out you will have the GI bill to use to pay for more school if you choose.


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

I am going to look intothat. Its something to consider.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

College guy, even if you were both using protection, pregnancy can result and it's not her fault. it is a very immature to be pointing the finger at her in a situation you both created.

You also should understand that when you have sex this can be one of the consequences. Pressuring her to have an abortion is not the right thing to do. It is her body, Now whatever happens will effect her body and change her life far more then yours. You should be supporting her and you both should go for counseling.


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

um actually stress does a lot and if it's going to beme who gets up in the late hours and everything to care for this baby I don't really think it's accurate to say her life will change more than mine just because she's getting pregnancy symptoms. Raising a child alone is 18 years far more than just 9 months. I might have to raise it pretty much alone.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Children having sex is wonderful. Someday they will figure out what causes pregnancy....


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

truth is very old adults have sex without the intent to have kids. The rhetoric to say sex is only for kids is purantanical.... And people rarely follow that belief. Saying you only have sex to populate or when you're ready to is wrong on so many levels. And a bit heterophobic..


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## lonelyman (Jun 28, 2011)

collegeguy1 said:


> I used condoms so really it's HER fault she got pregnant.


No its not her fault, it takes two people to make a baby, it is 50% your fault and 50% her fault,

If you are both healthy and able people, then any time you have sex there is a risk of pregnancy, birth control or not,

The only sure way to prevent pregnancy is to not have sex, you made the choice to have sex, and now you need to accept the responsibilities that come with that decision,

Stop trying to blame others for your actions and your problems, man up and be the best father you possibly can regardless of if you stay together with the mother or not,

You obviously didn't learn anything from your first pregnancy, or you would know its possible for a woman to get pregnant even when using birth control,

Going by everything you have posted here you sound like a very immature person even for your age, and immature people should not be having sex....AT ALL

In future I would advise you to start thinking with the head on your shoulders, not the one in your pants,

You are already saying your going to fail without even trying, sounds like you need a new attitude,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Collegeguy1, you really need to grow up. Just because you put on a condom does NOT make it HER fault that she got pregnant. You paid attention in sex ed, right? You know sperm has to meet an egg in order for pregnancy to result? And that the sperm comes from YOUR body? Therefore, you are EQUALLY responsible for this pregnancy occurring. 

You don't have sex with the intention of a baby resulting, but the fact is a baby is a potential result of sex. Always has been, and always will be. The point is not that you should only have sex to have a baby, but that if you think you are mature enough to have sex, then you need to be mature enough to deal with any and all potential consequences. 

And DO NOT lecture ME on what it's going to be like to raise a kid alone. I'm raising 2 sons alone, have been for nearly 8 years now. You don't know the first thing about raising a child yet. And sadly enough for you, my 10 & 7 year olds are more mature than you are. You are in here whining about what's ahead of you. Let me tell you a secret: If you don't grow up and start preparing instead of whining, it's going to be a whole lot harder.


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## HaHa (Oct 1, 2010)

> I'm pretty sure green you didn't read the whole thread. I used condoms so really it's HER fault she got pregnant. But it's not really the issue here.


No birth control is 100% effective except to just not have sex. That is just common sense as well as just what is taught in any health ed class. You chose to have sex so if you are assigning blame then I suggest you take a look in the mirror.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

collegeguy1 said:


> I'm pretty sure green you didn't read the whole thread. I used condoms so really it's HER fault she got pregnant. But it's not really the issue here.
> That makes no sense, that is like saying if her birth control pills failed then it would be your fault. Obviously the condom didn't work, how is that her fault? There is no form of birth control that is 100 percent reliable, there is always a chance that a pregnancy will result when a fertile couple has sex. If she got pregnant then it is BOTH you fault
> 
> 
> ...


You may have to get a full time job. You may have to ask other people for help. You are not the only person who has every had to deal with this situation. 

Man-up does not mean having you college courses done and does not mean suddenly having all the money you need. It does mean stop blaming your girlfriend for something you both did. It means working with your girlfriend and being supportive and finding a solution you can both live with. It means taking responsibility for a situation you helped create. So stop whining about how nobody understands and go talk to social services, birthright, planned parenthood, etc to see what resources are available to you and start making plans.


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## mikey11 (May 31, 2011)

call that "16 and pregnant" show or "teen mom" show....

i hear they pay very well :rofl:


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

greeneyeddolphin said:


> Collegeguy1, you really need to grow up. Just because you put on a condom does NOT make it HER fault that she got pregnant. You paid attention in sex ed, right? You know sperm has to meet an egg in order for pregnancy to result? And that the sperm comes from YOUR body? Therefore, you are EQUALLY responsible for this pregnancy occurring.
> 
> You don't have sex with the intention of a baby resulting, but the fact is a baby is a potential result of sex. Always has been, and always will be. The point is not that you should only have sex to have a baby, but that if you think you are mature enough to have sex, then you need to be mature enough to deal with any and all potential consequences.
> 
> ...


whoa do you think I think I'm ready to parent I know I'm not. I need at least a few years before I can actually parent. I know what I'm capable and not capable of. And that's apart maturity knowing one's limits. Why the **** would you think I'd believe I'm ready? That's what I'm saying I don't have much to raise a kid on. So save the I know how to raise a kid and you don't stuff because I'm aggreeing with you.

letme ask you something. At 16 were you taking care of a sexually abused isolated 15 year old? When you could've been in a perfectly good home? Were you mature enough to help your SO at 16 and 17 out of 2 major crisis before it got kind of over the top? I've been through a lot. You don't seem to see half of what I've done andif you're blind to the fact that I am far more mature than many my age that's your problem. I am only trying to look out for us as a relationship. We've talkedabout it and it seems some sense is in her. I'd say finally. If you don't like that I'm trying to find a solution through abortion please it's our choice not yours. 

I know I participated in making this doesn't change that maybe if she used the pill better I'd not be talking about this. Not that it matters what's done is done. Can anyone read fully what I'm posting instead of cherry pick please....


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Given your immaturity level and unsophistication about sex and pregnancy, I think the two of you should consider putting the baby up for adoption.

Neither of you is ready to be a parent despite being fertile.

There are many, many people out there that are ready to be a parent and can provide for this child.

Even though you two have discovered how to procreate, accidentally or not, you really are not ready for a long-term committed relationship.

As an aside, your girlfriend ought to consider something like Norplant as a birth control strategy.

Seems to me that if you truly love her you would do whatever it takes to do the right thing and provide for her and a baby without the annoyance over the loss of freedom the baby represents to you.

You have been handed a big lesson on real life -- twice in a year and have yet to learn from it.

You can remain in college and work full time. Many of us have had to do this. You're not unique in that situation.


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

SadieBrown said:


> You may have to get a full time job. You may have to ask other people for help. You are not the only person who has every had to deal with this situation.
> 
> Man-up does not mean having you college courses done and does not mean suddenly having all the money you need. It does mean stop blaming your girlfriend for something you both did. It means working with your girlfriend and being supportive and finding a solution you can both live with. It means taking responsibility for a situation you helped create. So stop whining about how nobody understands and go talk to social services, birthright, planned parenthood, etc to see what resources are available to you and start making plans.


I'm not whining. I'm talking about my situation. It's not whining to talk about the facts. We're coming up with a solution. She wants to do counselling I think all she really needs is my support perhaps and the facts of our situation. It's just the reality. So I think everything's good.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

The people here are not cherry picking, they are responding to your posts you just do not like the answers.

I will reiterate, stop blaming your gf. Take responsibility for your actions.

This is the second time this has happened so it is no accident, it is irresponsible on both your parts.

You cannot force your gf to have an abortion, therefore you need to look into your different work options. The earlier suggestion of college through the army sounded promising, have you looked into this?

It no longer matters how you got here, or if you are ready, you need to deal with the situation you have created.

Good luck, i hope you both talk about the situation and work out what will be best for both or you plus your new child.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

collegeguy1 said:


> whoa do you think I think I'm ready to parent I know I'm not. I need at least a few years before I can actually parent. I know what I'm capable and not capable of. And that's apart maturity knowing one's limits. Why the **** would you think I'd believe I'm ready? That's what I'm saying I don't have much to raise a kid on. So save the I know how to raise a kid and you don't stuff because I'm aggreeing with you.
> 
> letme ask you something. At 16 were you taking care of a sexually abused isolated 15 year old? When you could've been in a perfectly good home? Were you mature enough to help your SO at 16 and 17 out of 2 major crisis before it got kind of over the top? I've been through a lot. You don't seem to see half of what I've done andif you're blind to the fact that I am far more mature than many my age that's your problem. I am only trying to look out for us as a relationship. We've talkedabout it and it seems some sense is in her. I'd say finally. If you don't like that I'm trying to find a solution through abortion please it's our choice not yours.
> 
> I know I participated in making this doesn't change that maybe if she used the pill better I'd not be talking about this. Not that it matters what's done is done. Can anyone read fully what I'm posting instead of cherry pick please....


You are NOT as mature as you think, or you wouldn't INSIST on blaming her! I've never once said a word about abortion to you, so how about you stop with the damn cherry picking! 

Grow up! You got her pregnant, and you don't get to decide what she does about it. If you don't want to be a dad, then at least have the balls to tell her that and walk away. If you can't handle the responsibility (and clearly you can't, or you'd quit putting it all on her) you'll be doing your kid a much bigger favor by walking away than by sticking around and making sure the kid knows that you never wanted this situation in the first place. 

And I never said you didn't know how to raise a kid. I SAID not to lecture me on being a single parent because I live it and you haven't. 

You can get pissed all you want, but the fact is, we're telling you the truth and you just don't like it. You want to put all the blame on her, and you can't do that. This is your fault too, and you need to grow a pair and deal with it. 

My 10 year old could deal with this situation better than you are, so I suggest you stop running around blaming her and bragging about your maturity and start working on some real solutions to your situation.


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

I took the precautions I know a lot about pregnancy.

where did I say having this baby would bring a loss of freedom? Again I believe it's what you want to believe instead of what is


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

collegeguy1 said:


> I know I participated in making this *doesn't change that maybe if she used the pill better I'd not be talking about this.* Not that it matters what's done is done. Can anyone read fully what I'm posting instead of cherry pick please....



grow up, shut up, and do what you need to for the kid. Stop whining and blaming this on her. 

PLENTY of people have kids in your situation or worse, every day. I am one of those kids, thanks. Guess what, my mom made it just fine. 

I'm going to guess with all your charity she should be willing to have her insides ripped apart again because you can't be bothered to take on a responsibility YOU created.

You're just another ignorant self righteous douche at this point. She'd do better to get herself into social services and lose you.

and unfortunately we've all ready what you've said. it all amounts to "omg I got my gf pregnant and she's keeping it..poor me, oh, poor me..what do I do to convince her to have an abortion?..poor me..oh wait, thats a good idea, but I can't do it, I don't want to try that hard...poor me.."

you've been given proper constructive advice, you just don't want it. No one here is going to pitty you.


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

I haven't insisted on blaming her quit talking about it it's a side issue. And I'm entitled to my opinion which can not help me now.


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

it seems you guys are pissed that we're probably going to decide on abortion. Get over it. Like you said it's not my choice.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

collegeguy1 said:


> it seems you guys are pissed that we're probably going to decide on abortion. Get over it. Like you said it's not my choice.


No, everyone is just irritated at your attitude towards the situation.


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

greeneyeddolphin said:


> You are NOT as mature as you think, or you wouldn't INSIST on blaming her! I've never once said a word about abortion to you, so how about you stop with the damn cherry picking!
> 
> Grow up! You got her pregnant, and you don't get to decide what she does about it. If you don't want to be a dad, then at least have the balls to tell her that and walk away. If you can't handle the responsibility (and clearly you can't, or you'd quit putting it all on her) you'll be doing your kid a much bigger favor by walking away than by sticking around and making sure the kid knows that you never wanted this situation in the first place.
> 
> ...


and about the part where if I walk away it would be better. She'd only have the 
choice to go back to a pedophilic mother or the streets. Realize this kid's best parent is myself. Like I said you haven't 
been reading half of my posts here explain this kid would have no parent pretty much if I walked out. I'm pretty sure she'd abort if I left. But that's not something I can do. I put too much into this relationship to just walk away.


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

CLucas976 said:


> No, everyone is just irritated at your attitude towards the situation.


to your previous post I really don't believe she'd be better off sinceshe'd still be in a bad place. And I actually said I'd look into the military suggestion I also said I'd look into social services. Still I don't know how to cope emotionally. So your previous post was completely false as this one is. Like you are a stranger you don't givea darn the plight of me or my gf. I DO because I've put so much into our relationship into her making a better life for herself all for her to throw it away. I want her to be as healthy emotionally and physically as possible. Can't blame me for caring about her well being. I don't think shed really given the time she needs. Idk what you want I'm trying to be there for her what does it matter it's not in the way you want.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

collegeguy1 said:


> to your previous post I really don't believe she'd be better off sinceshe'd still be in a bad place. And I actually said I'd look into the military suggestion I also said I'd look into social services. *Still I don't know how to cope emotionally.* So your previous post was completely false as this one is. Like you are a stranger you don't givea darn the plight of me or my gf. I DO because I've put so much into our relationship into her making a better life for herself all for her to throw it away. I want her to be as healthy emotionally and physically as possible. Can't blame me for caring about her well being.


It has nothing to do with your plight. I have fortunately witness enough identical situations (without having to be there myself ) I get it. I know its tough, I was irate at my best friends first pregnancy. I've driven people to their abortions, I know the whole loop of children. I was terrified that my best friends life would be ruined, she'd do nothing and be nowhere, she never wanted kids etc.

You know what? Her babies are miracles, they're gorgeous little boys who beat the odds of her fertility issues (and I mean extreme odds, she wasn't supposed to be able to conceive period) My coworker is going through the same thing you are. He sounded a lot like this too, same thing "how could she keep it, etc" and they weren't even dating..still aren't.

Her situation looked rough too, but instead of blaming her, he got the anger and frustration out of his system and has manned up to at least be there for the child, whether he likes her or not because it is his responsibility.

Emotionally coping takes awhile, and you have to hop off the blame wagon and let it sink in, then come up with a plan one way or another. Even if you abort, you clearly need a better birth control option and you both need to decide what to do for that too.

Kudos to you for all your efforts with your girlfriend, but this is a time where she desperately needs you regardless of which road you two take. if she has no one else but you like you've said, than you need to step up and support her and help her, Not hold anger and resentment towards her for her reproductive organs.


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## lonelyman (Jun 28, 2011)

collegeguy1 said:


> That's what I'm saying I don't have much to raise a kid on.


well *NOW* is the time to start!!

every day that is passing by counts....get out and get yourself one or two or even three jobs....do whatever it takes....so you *WILL HAVE* what it takes!!!

you have known she is pregnant for awhile now and i bet you are just sitting around looking for people to feel sorry for you....

use the time your spending on this forum to go out and look for jobs....

you come here wanting advice and then you dont want to listen to the advice thats given....what is the point in being here at all??


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## regular_guy (Aug 9, 2011)

Have you considered the possibility its not your kid? Even thought its possible to get pregnant with condoms and birth control, it is rather unlikely. Maybe she had sex with someone else with no condom. Don't take this and start accusing her of things. That will most likely just upset her. Maybe someone else on here would know the best way to approach her about the possibility.


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

why does everyone care about deadbeat dads?? If she kept it I'd ****ing go down with her. I was I guess asking for how to make it work. I got somegood advice somewhat both ways. The issue if I'm going to be in her life is obvious I will. I want to always be there for her in whatever way I can. And I am trying to support her in her making a sensible decision we can come up with....


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

I don't believe so like she doesn't seem like that. Like all the guys she is friends with doesn't seem she's that close and I have other reasons to believe it's mine.. I overall trust that that wasn't the case. I'm not going to deny it unless I have a good reason to.


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

@lonelyman I'm noton here much only when I'm on homework

and

I have a job at my school. I actually just found out she didn't abort. Maybe that's dumb of me I didn't realize it but I hadn't...


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

collegeguy1 said:


> where did I say having this baby would bring a loss of freedom? Again I believe it's what you want to believe instead of what is


So what's your point? You didn't say those exact words?

Trust me, if you have NOT contemplated at your young age the loss of freedom this baby represents, then what the heck are you doing in college?

You're kind of wasting your money.

On the other hand, if you are just being argumentative and defensive and immature, so be it.

My point in posting this note and my other one is to suggest a way out of your plight.

I think an adoption would be best.

But if you do not go that route, you will have to seek full time employment and reassess your college career. Supporting a child for the next two decades will be expensive. Far easier to handle with the degree in hand trying for professional wages. However, it may be that that boat has sailed in the short term.

Part of growing up and acquiring maturity is in realizing your responsibilities can be in conflict with your immediate desires. 

Expressing empathy for the ones who love you and you love involves a lot of time and resources. Taking responsibility for a child, intended pregnancy or not, is a huge, huge thing. 

To consider more than your own wants and needs in regards to protecting and nurturing a life that you started is something that defines a person--permanently.

Are you a person who steps away from the heavy lifting in life?

If so, then it would be best to know this of yourself and acknowledge that to those around you that may depend on you mistakenly.

If you are a person who does indeed do the heaving lifting in life, then good God man, start lifting!


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

ummm not really I have a 3.8 and want to further my education. It's nothing to do with freedom really

I would do adoption. But she's not into it. She's like all or nothing. When we sit down and talk about it she agrees abortion. But then she still taks about as if she's planing onkeeping it and no one knows she might get an abortion. Like last night we talked and agreed perhaps abortion could be a good option and to do counselling, but this morning she says she's off -off to a dr. appointment first ultrasound that she wants me to go to. But it's like what did we just talk about? She didn't go but she's still in that mindset obviously we need counselling before we proceed. It's like she can't do the right thing. I know it's my fault for not being there for her from the start. Maybe she'll change her whole opinion on adoption when it gets here. I should I guess be prepared for all 3 possibilities. Thanks guys for all your advice. But sometimes the dude who does all the heavylifting gets tired and needs a break. That's what seemed to happen to me at the wrong time sorry for the rant.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

collegeguy1 said:


> ummm not really I have a 3.8 and want to further my education. It's not to do with freedom really
> 
> I would do adoption. But she's not into it. She's like all or nothing. When we sit down and talk about it she agrees abortion. But then she still taks about as if she's planing onkeeping it and no one knows she might get an abortion. Like last night we talked but this morning she says she's off -off to a dr. appointment first ultrasound that she wants me to go. But it's like what did we just talk about? She didn't go but she's still in that mindset obviously we need counselling before we proceed. It's like she can't do the right thing. I know it's my fault for not being there for her fromthestart. Maybe she'l change her whole opinion on adoption when it gets here. I should I guess be prepared for all 3 possibilities. Thanks guys for all your advice.But sometimes the dude who does all the heavylifting gets tired and needs a break. That's what seemed to happen to me at the wrong time sorry for the rant.


That's because "right" isn't always obvious. Depending on what she's looked into on her own, its not always easy to terminate what is human life inside you. Add in the preggo best friend and the cuteness of babies, the love shared between mother and child and all the beautiful things that go along with parenthood, and its hard to look at it from pure logic.

I hate myself for posting this link (I am not a country person at all) but this song seems to fit well..

There Goes My Life Lyrics- Kenny Chesney - YouTube

I think that was the most adult post you've made so far, btw.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

regular_guy said:


> Have you considered the possibility its not your kid? Even thought its possible to get pregnant with condoms and birth control, it is rather unlikely. Maybe she had sex with someone else with no condom.


Could happen. This happened with my son a few years ago. After alot of stress for 8 months on my son the kid wasn't his. She laughed, she thought she pulled one on him because he spent his money buying things for the baby.

My son is alot wiser these days.


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## Sameold (Aug 11, 2011)

Look, you've got a tough road ahead.
On the other hand, you're not an idiot, even when you act like one. (Don't we all, some days?) You know you're not because you got into college early.
If you blame her for getting pregnant, she'll resent that because she knows you participated in that act. Trust me on this. Doesn't matter if it's the first kid or the fifth, she'll resent you for blaming her. You don't need that extra stress, so bite your tongue, huh?
There are health, particularly future fertility, risks for women with abortions, as I'm sure you're aware, and she probably is, too. This would be her second, from what you've said, and she's very young and might want to have children someday even if not today. Did she have any post-abortion counseling support? I've read that a large percentage of women feel guilty afterwards, on top of the hormonal stuff, even up to and including PPD. She may not be able emotionally to deal with another even if she can physically. From what you've said she's gone through a lot of trauma in the past.
It is possible, not easy but possible, for you to work full time and go to school full time. Look into it. Many colleges and universities will pay for their employees to go to their school part or full time. See if you could get a night-shift full-time job and get the school to pay for you to attend. If they'll only pay for part-time, well, it'll take a little longer for you to graduate, but you're ahead of your age-peers already, so it won't slow you down much.
Have you investigated family housing at the university? See what it costs and what it includes (my old school includes local phone, internet, water, sewer, garbage, and when you factor in all those costs, plus that you no longer need to pay for gas/car/insurance, it's cheaper to live on campus). Also ask your university how your financial aid package would change if you are married with a child, or unmarried with a child. Among other things, I think it would automatically put you to where you would not have to count your parents' income when filing the FAFSA. And it might be wise to let her know you've made those inquiries. That ought to make her feel like you're there to support her and the baby. You'll have to judge whether that's a good idea or not.
Ask her if she's considered how she'll go to school after the baby is born. Is there a daycare for the baby at her school? Will she need to change to a different school? How will she get there? Will she need to apply for daycare assistance with the state to continue going to school? Will it be better for her to look into a virtual charter school, or would it be too hard for her to finish without the outside structure of the school day? Is there a better daycare at your university than at her school?
One more thing about birth control--the pill isn't 100%. Some people it doesn't work for at all. (A clue to this is if her cycle doesn't sync up properly with the pill.) If you're not perfect about taking it at the same time every day it may not work. If you take any other prescription it may not work. If you take some OTC meds it may not work. We found out these details after the fact, of course. Absolutely do not rely on the pill for birth control again with her. (It also increases risks for several health conditions, including type II diabetes, depending on her family medical history you might want to encourage her to look into other options for the sake of her health.)
Being in an interracial relationship is going to make it harder. I'm the white parent. Random strangers think it's okay to come up and ask me if I'm the nanny or where did I get the kids? My husband doesn't get that. It's just assumed that mixed kids with a black parent are his kids. He gets other nonsense, of course. At least you now can check more than one check box on the public assistance application forms for the kid.
It may be better for both of you in the long run if you move far, far away from the difficult relatives, hers and yours. Many people behave better when you put, oh, 3000 miles between you and them. The military might be really good for that. Do look into ROTC, check out all branches. Find out what options you'd have. You haven't said what your degree/career goals are, but if you wanted to do something like med school, military would be the way to do it without crushing student loans anyway. There are also sometimes other entities interested in paying for students to pursue particular degrees: I know at one point the Shriners' Hospitals had a program to that effect. I don't know if they still do.
Best of luck with it all.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

CLucas976 said:


> That's because "right" isn't always obvious. Depending on what she's looked into on her own, its not always easy to terminate what is human life inside you. Add in the preggo best friend and the cuteness of babies, the love shared between mother and child and all the beautiful things that go along with parenthood, and its hard to look at it from pure logic.
> 
> I hate myself for posting this link (I am not a country person at all) but this song seems to fit well..
> 
> ...


I think it's important to consider too that any one of us would probably freak out at this kind of news, especially in/just out of high school! Heck, I'm 37 with a couple of college degrees and just hearing about this makes me want to wrap my IUD in a diaphragm and cover it all in condoms and spermicide--if I can even unclamp my knees!! I have a huge amount of sympathy for the people actually living it! 

It's all well and good to say "well these are the consequences"...but in the same situation, would ANY of us not have these thoughts, at least fleetingly? He's just saying them "out loud", as it were and actually looking for advice on how to problem solve.

And in the end, if collegeguy1 has a protracted rant online with a bunch of strangers he'll never actually see instead of venting all of this to the people around him that can throw this back in his face forever....isn't that better all the way around?


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

lol. how did you not pick one of my angrier posts to quote? 

That was my nicest comment thus far, and I meant it well. 

we all would have that thought pattern, I've had that same freak out over my friends. however, he still needs to see it for what it is and stop blaming, and the statement "most adult post thus far" was meant in compliment.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Actually I just meant that people were seeing him come around from the first post to a less freaked, more logical place--sorry about that!  

I've been on painkillers for a few days now while they run a gazillion tests to see if my back pain is because I'm hurt or sick--my logic is probably not taking the most direct route right now....


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## roamingmind (Jul 20, 2011)

CollegeGuy,

I see you are stressed and frustrated with the situation and trying to find a way to deal with it . Thus you are here to ask for help.

I understand when you say you don't feel ready to be a parent -- being too young, not finanically stable and sufficient, and probably what bothers you most is that your gf's intention to give birth to the baby does not sound right to you; and you see the tough road if the baby comes along. I don't believe you are irresponsible, otherwise you won't be here looking for help; you are ranting because you are overwhelmed. 

I am a firm believer that if one is not financially and emtionally ready and sufficient, he/she should not become a parent simply because under such circumstances, he/she can't provide and nuture the baby well enough. I can see you are aware of this and thus the stress and frustration. 

At this point, it's no use pointing finger to blame anyone; as others have pointed out, things like this happen . But you do need to learn from this. Don't be harsh on your gf, she is also under a lot of stress. In situation like this, you need work TOGETHER and support each other but not fight against each other . Two people are stronger than one, don't you think so? 

Now take a deep breath ; there are three possible outcomes ---

1. The baby is born and you raise it together.

2. The baby is born and put up for adoption.

3. The baby is aborted. 

From what you posted, your gf hasn't thought about what it means to be a parent. Sit down with her and find out what she is thinking. Ask what her plan is. If she is not sure, do research with her -- prepare her and yourself as what to face if she decides to have the baby --- 1) find out what does preganancy mean to a teenage girl 2) find out what resources are out there ( school, community, church) , 2) what you (both) can do to support yourselves and the baby, 3) How can you balance between being a parent and finishing college ( I hope you do NOT quit school). 4) Thogh you said your parents are upset, do turn to them ; it's nothing to be shamed to became a father ; your parents might be happy to have a grandchild, you never know --- even if they don't, you don't lose anything, do you?

Also, make sure to tell your gf, if she is going to keep the baby, it has to be the right reason, that she wants to be a mother -- not because of her guilit of not experiencing this with her friend. 

If she changes mind and give an abortion, then she need do it soon before it's too late ( it will be dangerous to her).

If you do decide to have the baby; it 's going to be a very tough road, but it's not the end of the world. The hardest part is to decide what you want -- once that's settled, you will find yourself handling the situation ok. Trust yourself and your gf. Keep in mind, no matter what direction you go, you two need to work TOGETHER. 

Best.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

COGypsy said:


> Actually I just meant that people were seeing him come around from the first post to a less freaked, more logical place--sorry about that!
> 
> I've been on painkillers for a few days now while they run a gazillion tests to see if my back pain is because I'm hurt or sick--my logic is probably not taking the most direct route right now....


aha! I just keep thinking I'm offending people today


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

we've talked and she's not really had a plan just she gives into outside pressure. But she doesn't have much of a plan. I think we've agreed abortion is a good decision.we plan on going into counseling and if we go through it to stay in counseling longer. But yea I was looking into assistance we couldget along with medicaid. If she doesn't go through with it. Her friends know and we don't knowhow we're going to explain if we actually do abort. But mainly I'm trying to just talk to her and get her to focus on us and that's it no poutward influence.


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## roamingmind (Jul 20, 2011)

collegeguy1 said:


> we've talked and she's not really had a plan just she gives into outside pressure. But she doesn't have much of a plan. I think we've agreed abortion is a good decision.we plan on going into counseling and if we go through it to stay in counseling longer. But yea I was looking into assistance we couldget along with medicaid. If she doesn't go through with it. Her friends know and we don't knowhow we're going to explain if we actually do abort. But mainly I'm trying to just talk to her and get her to focus on us and that's it no poutward influence.


Good that things sound a little better under control now and that you talked it through. Given your situation, this probably is the way to go. Counseling is a good idea especially for your gf. Her stress is no less than yours if not more, keep that in mind. 

You have to have the right reason to have the baby -- pressure from friend is not a good one. Just tell her that you have thought it over and you both agreed you are not ready to be parents --- Keep in mind, you and your gf are the ones who need face the consequences of whatever you decide to do, not your friend ; whatever the friend wants to do is her life and she can't impose hers on you -- your girlfriend probably will feel guilty but she shouldn't ; this is not about friendship; this is about whether your gf ( and you) can take on the responsibilities for a new life at the moment. 

Do learn from this, don't get her pregnant again unless you're ready to be a parent -- and keep in mind, you both should be responsible . 

There is a chance that your gf might change her mind ; don't be mad at her ; talk to her, make sure it's what she wants but not from "outside pressure" -- you sound pretty clear with that and that's good . If you ever keep the baby, prepare and educate yourselves the best you can. Again, WORK TOGETHER, don't fight against each other. 

You have my best wishes.


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

roamingmind said:


> Good that things sound a little better under control now and that you talked it through. Given your situation, this probably is the way to go. Counseling is a good idea especially for your gf. Her stress is no less than yours if not more, keep that in mind.
> 
> You have to have the right reason to have the baby -- pressure from friend is not a good one. Just tell her that you have thought it over and you both agreed you are not ready to be parents --- Keep in mind, you and your gf are the ones who need face the consequences of whatever you decide to do, not your friend ; whatever the friend wants to do is her life and she can't impose hers on you -- your girlfriend probably will feel guilty but she shouldn't ; this is not about friendship; this is about whether your gf ( and you) can take on the responsibilities for a new life at the moment.
> 
> ...


I don't know I hate to see herthisway. She's so depressed. I mean I know it's the right thing but ifeel bad that I've made her come to that. I don't want the abortion to emotionally destroy her.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Abortion is very emotional, especially if she feels pressured by people to do it or whatever.

You said she had an abortion not that long ago? That's heavy.


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

she's not being pressured the facts just aren't very pretty. She's also found out she came to exist because of sexual abuse is kind of changing her view on abortion altogether. But a belief isn't really a good reason not to is it? I mean we're still not ready. Idk... Maybe it's just today


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, hopefully you make a decision soon. That baby is growing and growing...


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

legally not really an issue and economically we have amonths or to decide before. But we've made our decision so I'd think so...


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

4sure said:


> Could happen. This happened with my son a few years ago. After alot of stress for 8 months on my son the kid wasn't his. She laughed, she thought she pulled one on him because he spent his money buying things for the baby.
> 
> My son is alot wiser these days.


she's not that type of girl


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## roamingmind (Jul 20, 2011)

collegeguy1 said:


> I don't know I hate to see herthisway. She's so depressed. I mean I know it's the right thing but ifeel bad that I've made her come to that. I don't want the abortion to emotionally destroy her.


Abortion is a difficult decision. Don't feel that you made her to. You help her with the reality check and it's ultimately her decision. Be there for her. You are her rock now; so be strong. You both will be fine.


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

yes it surelyis counseling may though be theway we can be at peace with the decision. And I'm trying to be there for her so yea.. Hopefully this week goes by fast and easily and we can put this behind us. She already plans to tell people she miscarried. Yet she won't tell anyone yet. I guess it takes time...


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

after all I've done she's just miss out. She's just not being honest with me. She's not here.


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## roamingmind (Jul 20, 2011)

collegeguy1 said:


> after all I've done she's just miss out. She's just not being honest with me. She's not here.


What happened?


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

today was the day of the abortion. She was supposed to be and we were supposed to go to her appointment. She left this morning went big shopping with her friend for guess what stuff for the baby. And so I guess that's that. It just would be better more communication instead of leaving me out there to believe we had the same plan. Well thanks for hearing me out it's just like we did a 180 from last week. When this week I could've been fully preparing for having to parent under such circumstances..


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Seems like maybe you decided the abortion was the right solution, but her... Not so much.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

PBear said:


> Seems like maybe you decided the abortion was the right solution, but her... Not so much.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yea, in my experience with friends, if it's not the woman's idea first, she does NOT want an abortion.


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

it's just hard coping with after getting so close to making the decision.


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## roamingmind (Jul 20, 2011)

collegeguy1 said:


> it's just hard coping with after getting so close to making the decision.


Understandably so. Talk to her and find out what's on her mind.

She did so most likely out of the concern that you would disagree with her. 

Tell her that you understand it's a difficult decision and you are fine with whatever decision she chooses. If she wants to keep the baby then you both need to figure out how to pool resources together and have a plan as how to support yourselves and the baby the best. 

Also tell her why you are upset -- not that she wants to keep the baby but she was not honest with you. 

Looks like that's her decision to keep the baby -- be supportive. 
It's going to be tough to both of you but you can manage it together and be supportive to each other. I would suggest you start another thread asking the questions like what to expect during her pregenancy, what you can do, what you need prepare for the newborn...etc.

You will be fine. Ever been caught in a bad storm? You never want to be in one but once you are in, you will still manage to come out of it-- looking back, you would wonder how the hell I went throught it, but you survived it.


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

she's actually almost 11 weeks now. I don't really have a clue when I just feel I can't now.


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## wemogirl (May 31, 2011)

collegeguy1 said:


> she's actually almost 11 weeks now. I don't really have a clue when I just feel I can't now.


I'm sorry if I missed it but has she been to a doctor yet? If she's going to keep this baby, she needs to go see a dr and make sure she's taking vitamins.


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## collegeguy1 (Aug 11, 2011)

yea she's been but first real visit together we'll schedule one.


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