# Need Quick Male Advice!!! Can you be friends with EX?



## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

I have posted here a few times about my situation. Was engaged to a wonderful man. Him 32 (2 girls 12 & 9) Me 27 (3 girls 8, 6, & 5) We now have a beautiful son together who is 4 months old. 
Long story short we were suppose to get married back in Aug 2012 he moved out that moved instead. A lot of silly stuff. To be honest it was never anything that SERIOUS like cheating, lying just really petty stuff. 
Well I can say I was needy during my pregnancy and he was not as available due to work and school. When he moved out tried to move on he wanted me to move to his town in a few months and I said no. I was too hurt at the time. 
Well I've realized after having time to get over some hurt that I really want to have a real shot at this. We both have done this on occasion. I told him today I was to move up there. He said he was confused. He said there was a lot damage and that we hadn't treated each other the greatest. I told him that I thought it was now about recovering and moving on. He told me that is what you do when you have a foundation. He felt like a failure with me since he had let me down in many ways. I told him we can start anew and I am done blaming him for things of the past. He told me that He was not ready to give me the things I needed. (He is getting ready to start a labor intensive 2 year medical program).
I am not sure what to do here? Any advice? I love this man dearly and don't want to lose him or my family. He says time heals a lot of things but I think it will only hurt here since we aren't in a relationship. This allows for people to date other people and/or move farther apart. I look at it like either we are working on being together or working on being apart. 
Now I will say this man tells me he cares deeply for me, and always will. He cares about me like he has never cared for anyone. He did say something yesterday, "Until I feel good about myself I can't go on with you or anyone else". I guess I am just confused and looking for any ounce of hope here?

He is in the mind frame of being friends and just seeing where it goes. But this hurts not knowing that I am in a relationship with him? I am not sure if I just cut it off or take what is offered. Mind you he still calls pretty much everyday minus a day or two we talk about a lot of things, then the obvious our son as well. It is just painful for me.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Well.

You cant just wave a wand and make a solid relationship appear.

And even though you say it was just 'petty stuff', you split while you were 7 months pregnant... so that tells me you both lacked what it takes to work out your issues despite the fact that a baby was on the way.

I dont know you from a hole in the wall - but sounds to me that he bailed out. Now you are grasping at straws trying to piece a family together and the only thing you have in common is a baby. He is verbally evasive and not intrested.

Its good that you have at least a congenial relationship with him I guess... but is this something you really want to pursue especially knowing he has no interest?

Wow.. you are 27 and have 4 kids. He is 32 with a 12 & 9 year olds and now a 4 month old. I have to say - that is tough circumstances to try and forge a relationship.

Honest - I have no idea what to tell you - but seems to me you cant expect much from ths guy, as painful as that is.


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## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

anotherguy: I guess I am confused what, "I am not ready to give you what you need" means? Just literally 1 month ago he was at my house and all EVERYONE was together. Just 2 months ago he wanted me to move to his town in with him. Now he is unsure? How can you flip flop like that? I guess I just wanted to try it one last time. I didn't want to live with the what if I had only said's!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

This quote rushed to my mind after reading your post.

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.” Mark Twain

I think it's time you get some counseling to learn you don't need anyone but yourself.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

"I am not ready to give you what you need"

That means: 'No. I dont want a serious relationship with you." That means that he has no interest in owning up to being a full time father for his and your baby. That means you have opened the door and he has refused. It is also a passive agressive cop out.. and his use of the phrase 'what you want' attempts to shift the burden onto you without owning up to any responsibility himself.

--

I dont know what happened when things fell apart, but now you have a baby and he isnt interested. You are not going to get answers form me or anyone here though. You need to be direct with him and clear the air.

How are you supporting this baby? You may be filing for child support?


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## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

Then why give a coded message then? Like I stated before literally spent new years together with this man (his suggestion), and just a move before wanted me to move in with him in his town and said "marry him in July". So why then the change of heart? Why then call me everyday to talk? Why say I mean so much to him and he cares about me more than he has anyone? If what you are saying is really try then I am confused by this man.


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## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

He said, "I thought you hated me let alone wanted to move with me". I made things kinda difficult while being really mad. Asked him for awhile to only contact me about our son. It was hard to talk to him and not be in a relationship


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Is it possible to be friends with an ex you ask?
Yes is the simple answer.
Is it be right for you in your circumstances, now that is a different and more personal question.
When I was in my late teens I dated a girl for two years, at the time we both thought it would last forever but as with many relationships between youngsters it did not. She got a place at a university and I joined the military, we wrote to each other every week and phoned when we could (before the mobile phone), I saw her when I was on leave and she came down to my passing out parade but it did not provide either of us with the support that we needed at that stage in our lives so we agreed to be "just friends". 
Overtime we both got more evolved in our course / jobs and meet other people. The frequency of our communication dropped off. We have both married and had children (she divorced after 5 years) and we now just keep up on Facebook, exchange Christmas cards (with family photos)/ birthday wishes and meet up at school reunions (every 3-4 years). 
Are we friends YES, do we live in each other’s pocket or pose a risk to each other’s relationships NO.


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## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

I am just kinda confused if the man wants me or not. I always felt like if a man really wants you he will go after you. Like I said He initiated spending the new year together, wanted to get married in July a couple of months ago, wanted me to move to his town. Now he is unsure? No sure how to get a straight answer? He said no relationship can't give me what I need now, and time has to pass???


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

1lostintranslation said:


> I am just kinda confused if the man wants me or not. I always felt like if a man really wants you he will go after you. Like I said He initiated spending the new year together, wanted to get married in July a couple of months ago, wanted me to move to his town. Now he is unsure? No sure how to get a straight answer? He said no relationship can't give me what I need now, and time has to pass???


As was told to you in your OTHER thread...HE DOES NOT WANT YOU. He has stated such. Why are you so confused by this? Whatever he has said in the past does NOT matter NOW! Stop stomping your feet and pouting, you sound like a petulant child, and that alone will keep him from wanting anything to do with you. You have a child together that you need to focus on. I give the man credit for being honest and direct, you just are refusing to read it as such. I understand you are disappointed, this is not how things were "supposed" to play out for you both. He is going into an intensive med training program you said, I can imagine that alone is a great burden on his time and his psyche. Back off, and focus on your kids.


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