# Partner's Financial Troubles - Should I Help



## wxman3441 (Aug 30, 2012)

My 34 y/o partner and I (41 y/o man) have been together for almost 6 years. We bought a house back in December. Let me provide some background.

She has a 12 y/o daughter. Her ex is a mostly a deadbeat, provides some support but not nearly enough although I think he is legally required to. My partner has 3 siblings: 2 brothers who have addiction issues and a sister who is dating an addict. In the past, she has provided a fair bit of financial support to her siblings when they make bad choices. Her one brother was lived with us for 2 years when we were renting and he provided very little help since a lot of his money was going towards booze. 

My partner makes about $45K, I make $70K. We split the bills 50/50 (even though there is 3 living in the house - her kid). That said, when we go out, I pay more often and we have taken a few trips where I mostly paid everything. While I do make more, I have a lot of expenses she does not including vehicle expenses (she doesn't drive) and a higher balance on my student loan. 

She is really struggling financially right now and it is bringing her to tears. I can't help but feel some of this is self induced though. She smokes 3 packs of cigarettes a week ($14/pack here in Canada), her daughter refuses to eat healthy so there are occasions we cook healthy then go out and get Burger King for her. Plus, I am not sure if she is still giving her brothers beer money - maybe not all the time but I would bet on occasion she does. In short, while money is tight for her, she sometimes spends frivolously. 

The question is, should we split the bills based on income? Should I just give her some money to get by? Of course, I would not let her go without but my fear is if I start paying more, some of that money will go to cigarettes, beer for siblings and junk food for her kid. Money has been a very touchy subject for us in the past and we haven't had some of the conversations that most couples have about money. Money has been the cause of many fights with us, especially when her brother was living and mooching off of us.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

So you make 25k more and you are splitting everything 50/50


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

When my W was working (and before my income jumped substantially above hers), we always split bills based on percentage of how much we made. For example, if I made 60k and she made 40k, I contributed 60% towards household bills and she contributed 40%. This method worked perfect for us (until my salary became significantly more than hers in which case I just took on all the bills)


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

personofinterest said:


> So you make 25k more and you are splitting everything 50/50


I am guessing this is to factor in that part of the household bills is to cover his partner's daughter?


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## wxman3441 (Aug 30, 2012)

Correct, there are 3 of us in the house but we just split 50/50.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

She should NOT be supporting her POS siblings in any way, shape or form and you should draw a hard line to put an end to that. Do you keep your funds separated because you are not married? NO, you should NOT be giving her any extra money because clearly she is being irresponsible with hers. Would combining your accounts and YOU taking charge of the finances be plausible? Sounds like she needs to grow up.


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## wxman3441 (Aug 30, 2012)

Yes, the support of her siblings has been a big issue in the past for us. Her mother's boyfriend is doing a lot of the supporting now so I don't think she is giving them money as often. I am fine paying more and helping out but not if it means more beer for her brothers. Just as an FYI, she has a 36 and 24 y/o bro and 21 y/o sis. 

I do make a lot more but my monthly expenses are quite high so I really don't come out ahead much. I am open to combing finances but again my fear is that she will take money out of the "bills" account to spend frivolously. Her daughter is quite spoiled and she makes purchases for her that I don't always agree with.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

The ONLY way I would ever advise people to combine finances is, well, never.....

There is, by definition, a "your" money and a "her" money. If she wants to be irresponsible with money, then she cannot turn to you to get her bills paid and groceries to eat. 

Combined finances only work if two responsible people who are legally married do it. And, I really wouldn't recommend it, even then.



wxman3441 said:


> my fear is that she will take money out of the "bills" account to spend frivolously.


Dr. Phil rightly says that "....the most accurate predictor of a person's future behavior is his relevant past behavior.....". This is not just an idle fear on your part, it is justified, based upon results.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

wxman3441 said:


> My 34 y/o partner and I (41 y/o man) have been together for almost 6 years. We bought a house back in December. Let me provide some background.
> 
> She has a 12 y/o daughter. Her ex is a mostly a deadbeat, provides some support but not nearly enough although I think he is legally required to. My partner has 3 siblings: 2 brothers who have addiction issues and a sister who is dating an addict. In the past, she has provided a fair bit of financial support to her siblings when they make bad choices. Her one brother was lived with us for 2 years when we were renting and he provided very little help since a lot of his money was going towards booze.
> 
> ...


So many issues. First, tell her you won't help her financially if she's giving part of her money to her siblings. Explain to her that she is an enabler (one of her parents was probably an alcoholic) and that she is HURTING her siblings by continuing their lack of accountability; that if she really wants to help them, she will read up about addiction and how to work with people with addictions, which will show her how to react going forward. 

Second, tell her she is not helping her daughter by giving in to her demands for junk food and that if she continues, you won't help her financially when part of her money is going to this destructive practice. That you would like for the two of you to go to a counselor together to get professional advice on what to do with this situation, let the therapist tell you guys the best move forward. 

This may feel mean but it's toward a healthier outcome all around. Just because your wife has dysfunctional reactions to things doesn't mean you have to support her in them. HELP her learn healthier ways to deal with them.

Third, start reading up on these things yourself so you have more knowledge to base your decisions on. We can help with that.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

You aren't married, she has a child adding to the total household expenses, and you have your own personal financial obligations to consider as well as her questionable money sense. I'd stick with 50/50. 

And $14.00 a pack? Wowza. Vaping is so much cheaper!


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Smoking to me is a deal breaker and a waste of money. 

If you share income, you should also share any household expenses. I would include in that your rent/mortgage, groceries, utilities, taxes, car, etc. I wouldn't include things like fast food, smoking, etc.

If you were to do it that way and contribute 60% (your share of income) you might actually end up with more money than you do now.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

wxman3441 said:


> Correct, there are 3 of us in the house but we just split 50/50.


 Her enabling her addicted and troubled family is definitely unhealthy.

But I will be honest, you seem petty and selfish and more concerned with counting money than having an actual relationship.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

She is spending _at least_ $200 a month on unnecessary items. It sounds like you have a very fair balance for sharing costs - one that actually favors her, especially as she does not have car costs. I would not give her any more money, at least not unless she is willing to make a budget with you and discloses all of her expenditures in detail, including how much she gives siblings, etc. Then, see where changes can be made, if she is willing to make them. If she isn't, then you should not take on additional financial burdens, as that would put you in the position of being used.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Do not give her money you have no idea where it is going.
Only if needed pay an important bill ( no cash ) for her.
You are enabling her by doing some of the things your doing.
Cooking then taking her daughter to BK, if you cook she should eat.
Set up a different account for bills and yourself. Then when she runs 
out of money her problem not yours. You need to stop this or it will not 
change. 

You care about her and want to make things work. Let her show you
the same thing.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Can you list out what bills you are splitting 50/50? Is that including rent or mortgage? I would think that her $45k would allow her to be comfortable considering she doesn't have car expenses. Before you help out, you should figure out where her money is going. She's making almost $4k/month. How much goes towards those bills you are splitting?

I would understand helping out if it was a one-time, exceptional situation like emergency travel or something. But it sounds like you would just be supporting her lifestyle and it would continue on. In fact, there's a chance she could continue to get into financial trouble since your extra money would allow her to spend even more. This financial strain should motivate her to figure out a workable budget so she can live within her means. You would probably do more good by helping her look over her expenses and determine a budget instead of giving her more money.


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## wxman3441 (Aug 30, 2012)

We split:

Mortgage: $1350/mo.
Property taxes: $2600/yr
Electricity: ~$400/mo.
Cable/Internet: ~$150/mo.

We mostly share food expenses although I would say I pay a bit more. She has a large student loan payment at the moment but I think its set to be reduced soon. She pays for her daughter to belong to a fancy choir which is quite pricey.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> She is really struggling financially right now and it is bringing her to tears. I can't help but feel some of this is self induced though. She smokes 3 packs of cigarettes a week ($14/pack here in Canada), her daughter refuses to eat healthy so there are occasions we cook healthy then go out and get Burger King for her. Plus, I am not sure if she is still giving her brothers beer money - maybe not all the time but I would bet on occasion she does. In short, while money is tight for her, she sometimes spends frivolously.


I would be annoyed as well when money is tight all around. Does she get pissy when she thinks you are frivolous with money?


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Although you are giving me a reasonable platform for making recommendations, it would be impossible to do so. You do not like that she smokes or supports minimally deadbeat relatives and a child from a previous relationship. That does not bode well for any discussion of financial responsibilities. I would recommend that you discuss this with her, as I am loathe to offer advice until you have REALLY dealt with these situations. Your problem is that that you resent her spending habits. None of this can be resolved until this is addressed.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Any plans to marry?


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Sounds like your issue is that you guys don't have any sort of financial framework in place. Set up long term/retirement savings goals that will meet your needs for future savings. Set up emergency funds so that you'll have cash in a crisis. Once your savings goals are in place and you agree not to take on new debt, then everything gets easier. After that, it's no longer an argument over how much to spend but what the money should be spent on. If she wants to blow it on enabling her relatives at the cost of her daughter's choir, that's totally her call.


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