# This is what I've been through so far... what more can there be ? (VERY LONG)



## McFly (Jan 26, 2011)

Almost two months ago my problems started, and I've been lurking ever since. I'd like to take a minute to tell my story now, because I find generally people are sympathetic without being coddling.

I was with my girlfriend for 10 years. I'm 33 and she 34. I never believed in marriage, nor did she. We both believe in life-long commitment though. But I always called her my wife. We exchanged rings and promises and were married in every way except legally, so I will refer to her as my wife. I always have anyway.

From my point of view, I have never once imagined growing old without my wife. I have of course imagined myself with another woman, but I never ever put myself into a position where something could happen. I have been 100% loyal the entire 10 years. All I ever wanted to do was to love her, raise children with her, and provide for her. I made it so we had an amazing place to live in a great neighborhood that is perfect for raising children. Caring for her was my only goal in life - she was my #1 priority, at all times.

One night in the first week of December, she came home from a night out with a friend a little distraught. I poked and prodded and she eventually opened up. She was unhappy in our relationship and felt that I was the principal reason. I asked if she wanted to end it, naturally, and she said no. She was willing to go to couples counseling. Before the first couples counseling, I initiated many conversations with her, regarding us. We have always had, over the course of our 10 years, a very open and communicative relationship. We would regularly make dates where the goal was to specifically air any grievances. We solved and prevented many problems along the way by doing this. We rarely fought. It was, from my point of view, a nearly perfect relationship. Anyway, during these conversation, before any counseling, I started to get the typical ' OM ' lines. I did not know this is what they were at the time. The needing of space, as well as the love but not in love, and finally, you're my best friend, but that's it. I gave her the space and told her that the a little bit of work together and some counseling would go a long way to fixing these problems. I figured at the time that there was no way a 10 year relationship was not worth working on. Over the course of that 10 years, I think it's worth mentioning, we never once (not even close, not by a long shot) had a crisis situation where ending the relationship was anywhere close to being on the table.

During the first counseling session, she announced to the therapist that she was here out of respect for our 10 year relationship, but what she was looking for was solutions to her problem, not reconciliation. That was hard blow to take. I took solace in the fact that the Holidays were coming up and we were supposed to visit some family together. I figured, being away from the stresses of work, as well as surrounded by people who love and care for both of us, would help in trying to weed out issues and address problems. The first counseling session ended, nothing was settled, the therapist offered no advice or exercises.

She grew more distant and belligerent. This was worrisome because my wife is a woman known for extraordinary kindness. She had never been mean to me. On the eve of our leaving for our Holiday road trip, she told me she wanted to go alone; that she needed this time to think about things. She left me at home, alone, for the Holidays. I realized then that I had been led-on for the previous 3 weeks, and the full impact of what was going down started to hit home.

I was reeling and in unbelievable pain. I spent almost a week underneath a blanket eating a bite or two a day. I lost almost 20 lbs. She called the day after Christmas to give me an update. At this point, she'd been gone for 6 days and not called or written once. Over our 10 years together, never had 36 hours gone by without our talking. Never. Over the phone, if you can believe it, I made her finally admit it. After 10 years she told me she saw no future for us. Dumped over the phone.

When she got back from the road trip, I had promised that I would not engage her in any conversation regarding our relationship. I failed only once - and all she did was blame me for everything. Everything was my fault. No amount of showing her how her generalizations and assumptions were wrong would change her mind. From that point forward, it was over for me. Don't get me wrong, I would do anything, say anything if I knew it would fix this and I could have my life again. But now that I know there is another man, I cannot give her the satisfaction of seeing me hurt. Not only did she betray me like this, blame me for all of our problems and her behavior, but her other man, happens to be her best friend's husband (also one of my good friends). Her now ex-best friend and her husband broke up the first week of January. Neither I, nor the best friend, every suspected a thing. And the cherry on top of this giant pile of **** : my ex works with her ex-best friend from whom she just stole the husband. I desperately, in my heart of hearts desire revenge, but a wise woman once told me that the best revenge is living well. I will not let her see how devastated and dead inside I am.

In August of last year, we quit smoking. Despite all this, I have never touched another cigarette. She on the other hand, has started again. In August of last year, I thought I might be starting a beer belly, so I got a gym membership. I had maybe 10 extra pounds. I've been working out every 2 days ever since and have signed up for a 10K run at the spring. I don't want to brag, but I look good. I do not write to her or call her under any circumstances except business. I managed to guilt her into selling me her half of our home, a condo, for almost 30% under market. We signed last Thursday, its mine now. I have no pleaded, begged or written any letters, except this one. She will never see this. But I had to say something. The only person who I thought I could get some understanding from, the ex-best friend, has already shacked up with another dude - I guess their relationship wasn't anywhere near as strong as ours (or I thought ).

I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that I thought I had the perfect relationship. Our communication was excellent (at least, until a little before the end). We were both extremely loving and affectionate: love notes in lunches, emails every day, short sweet phone calls, long kisses, long hugs, a lot of spooning, if she feel asleep before me, I would take her into the bedroom, tuck her in and kiss her good night, and on and on. Getting home to her at night was my only concern. Seeing her was my drug. On Mondays, after a whole weekend together, I would always feel slightly depressed from being away from her, and it was all reciprocal. We were happy and cute in public, and in private, we were exactly the same. We never put on a show for anyone. All of our friends were jealous of the love and peacefulness that was our relationship. Every single one of the people I've had to tell actually had to be convinced. No one believed me.

The pain is unbelievable, constant, and overwhelming. It feels like I will never find another person with whom I will get along that well. I've had dates, and kissed other women... but inside my chest only lies a cold, dead stone. I'm living the worst kind of lie. I have just enough energy and motivation to smile and be pleasant to the people I work with, and then I spend all day at work reading these forums. Taking solace in others' pain. I can't be alone, because my thought drift too easily to her (and the new guy, and them going at it), I'm always at my friends', my mom's, or have people over. If I don't work out, I start to slip into deeper depression. I've made an appointment with a psychologist and a medical doctor. I cannot sleep more than 3 hours in a row, and dream about the actors of my living nightmare almost every night.

Thanks if you've actually read this far.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Yep, I read it all. Sorry you are in so much pain. It really is a lot more traumatic when one is the betrayed spouse. Although it sounds as though you are taking steps to put your life back in order, you may want to find a therapist. As a "dumped" spouse, I greatly benefited from seeing a counselor regularly. 

Hang in there!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your welcome and sorry you are going through this crap. Thanks for sharing the wise womens advise. 

You will get throught this and I beleive you did the right thing by not begging, so stay strong and you will heal. I think once you have... that someone special will come along.

Right know you are grieving a death and what you are feeling is normal and I think of it as a scap or a wound that will go away and once you are healed you will be ready for a new relationship that will bring you joy.

Right now except this death and in this case you are the person that will be in a better place. Know that the person that died is not in a better place and never will, and nothing good will become of her and the OM, thats just garma.

You on the other hand have no one to answer to, you are free to heal the way you want to heal and be the person you want to be without having to meet or adhere to anyone elses needs or wants. You can now do what ever you want to do.

Once this death passes and it will... you will then get the great taste of freedom.

You have your self respect and no one can take that away. While other have the dignity of being a cheaters and lieres and going to bed at night wondering if they made the right dicsion, going through live with that monkey on there back.

You will wake up and know that you are a good person and better then that person that died who has to live the rest of there life lonely, they just don't know it.

Good luck and stay strong.


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

I know exactly what you are going thru.....and I know it sucks big time! My husband of 17 years left 1 month ago. Comparing today to the first day that he left, I am doing better. I still have sad days though. This website is very helpful....not only for advice on relationships but also advice on how to survive on your own. It sounds like you know what you need to do. I know that it is hard. But it is true....you will get thru this and it will be better....wishing you the best of luck.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It makes me wonder, are the people that we hear on the news that died of old age, alone with a house full of cats.... are they the kind of person that in there youth, screwed someone over so bad, that that is how they ended up?


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Very sad story. My heart goes out to you.


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## McFly (Jan 26, 2011)

Thank you to those who've taken the time to read my tale, and comment on it - it's appreciated.

I've decided to use my own thread to chronicle how I've been doing. When I wrote the original post, I was 2 months in, and had hit some sort of wall. Everything was dark, and there was no way out of that tunnel. Like the old joke, the light at the end of said tunnel, was a train. She moved out 4 weeks ago. I last saw her 10 days ago (signed the notary documents), and we last had contact 1 week ago (email about address changes).

Tomorrow will be my first visit to the psychologist. The company I work for offers services to employees in trouble, so I figured now was probably the right time. I don't expect to be cured when I walk out of there tomorrow, I know it will be more of a meet and greet type situation, but I look forward to it anyway. I have a little bit of cash stored away so when my company stops paying, if I feel the need to keep going, I can keep consulting. The reason I'm going, actually, is that I haven't cried. I don't understand why. This woman was my one true love. Like I said, there was never any doubt about it in my mind, but for some reason, even in my most deepest darkest and loneliest moments, I haven't shed a single tear. I'm not some sort of macho brute who thinks men don't cry. I cry when I watch Forest Gump, I cry when I watch sad movies, and I cried when she hurled insults at me. But I haven't cried since, or about, her leaving. I don't know why that is. A part of me thinks its because of the rage and anger at the betrayal, but another part of me worries that at some inopportune time, it'll jump up and bite me - I'll be in the middle of a meeting or sitting on the bus and start sobbing uncontrollably - something I haven't done since I was a child.

Also, I feel the need to mention this. But I speak to her in my head, constantly. Hell, sometimes I speak to her out loud when I am alone. I don't know how or why it happens, but I'll just be trying to go about my day, and without even thinking about it, I'll begin imagining her talking to me. Usually apologizing, or asking me back, or anything else you can lump into the category of never gonna f*c*i*g happen. In my mind, we'll engage in this conversation for a few minutes, where I finally get to tell her off or take her into my arms, depending on how I feel that day. It's horrible. Every time I have to slap myself in the face, sometimes literally, and remind myself that this conversation will never happen. It makes me feel crazy. Or I'll log into my email and the first thing I hope for is something from her. Every time. Despite my better judgment. When I walk into my home, I the first thing I look at is the answering machine because she may have called.

I can't stop struggling with the abruptness. With the brutality. With the betrayal. With the 180 degree turn she took - she was always so sweet, so loving, so kind, so dedicated, so patient. She was such a wonderful person. She was everything I didn't know I wanted. It feels like I'll be able to get on with my life, despite this thing, but that I will never ever ever stop thinking about this, and I certainly won't forgive. God I wish she had a been a *****. I wish she'd stolen my money. I wish she'd abused me physically, emotionally, verbally... but she didn't do any of these things. She fell for another guy, lied about it, and took the easy way out. You know, the more I think about it, the more I realize that the lowest thing she ever did to me was try to convince me her infidelity was my fault.

My thoughts these days are all over the place. One moment I feel like living without her is, and will be, a piece of cake. The next, I think of all the little things she used to do for me and how I will miss those. One moment I want revenge desperately, the next I feel ready to accept (not forgive) what happened. One moment, I want to get out and see my friends, my family, meet women, and the next I want to crawl under a blanket and never emerge.

More to come... if only to let some of this out. Am I the only one who actually talks to them while they're not there ? God I hope not.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

OMG you're describing my husband,the most loving ,romantic and nice person i've ever known not only to me but to any person that he knew.Always been amazing to me in any way,never raised his voice at me ,never said NO to anything that I've asked for.Gave me massages almost every night on his days off,was the best lover a woman can ever want and cared for his kids.

We also had a special connection in any possible way.I just can't believe that after 10 years of marriage he just turned into a this heartless bast.rd,i have never seen that side of him.He left me and his 2 kids and went to soul search and have fun....without any warning at all. He denies OW and i tend to believe .

I'm sorry for what you're going through,you're not alone...is some weird twisted way i do not wish this pain on my worst enemy BUT it's always comforting to know that other people go through the exact same thing...it just makes it easier.No one understands the pain ,i have never imagined how much it'll hurt to live every day with such pain.In a way you're lucky that there are no kids involved, this would make it harder.
Hang in there ,we are all here with you going through the same thing,people say it'll get better...i live every day for this day to come,right now it seems like it'll never come but they say it will.We have to believe that ! (((hugs)))


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## McFly (Jan 26, 2011)

I've always been a big fan of irony. 

Yesterday was supposed to be my first visit to the psychologists, regarding of course, my 10 year spouse's sudden surprise departure with another man. 

My psychologist canceled on me and rescheduled for 17:00 on February 14th. 

Ever wonder if life and the universe is trying to send you a message? Wow, sometimes all subtlety goes right out the window. Despite my sadness though, I had to laugh.


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## McFly (Jan 26, 2011)

Thanks hopemom, but it really isn't what I had in mind. It also means I have an extra 2 weeks without knowing what to do with all this anger.

Vivea: I took the time to read some of your previous posts, to get a better idea of what you've been going through. Although our relationships haven't been on exactly the same path, obviously the pain is the same. I am French, and we have an expression that says basically, ' we console ourselves when we compare ourselves '. I too like to hear about people going through similar circumstances. Not because I take pleasure in their pain, but because it's good to know that I am not alone when I feel like that's the way I'll live the rest of my days. I just wish I could sit and talk face-to-face with someone going through the same thing.

I hope for your sake that there isn't an other woman. I would never have believed it myself. I don't pretend to be an expert on people, but I'm willing to bet most people just don't leave a wife and two children, without having some sort of ' back up plan'. I know I certainly wouldn't, and my wife had hers all ready and waiting for her. I recently read on huffpo that you never truly know a person, until you divorce them. Even after 10 years, much has come to light that I didn't know.

Ever since the first day I knew my wife, she's always ' exaggerated ' when she said anything. She was never satisfied with the truth, she always had to embellish her tails to make them seem more interesting. I would tease her about this regularly, and give her hard time when I would catch her doing it. But I never actually recognized it for what it was. She's a liar. Plain and simple. I'd always called it exaggeration, but that's just a euphemism for liar. It never bothered me that much because I never got the impression she lied to me in any significant way. But when push came to shove, she lied to me, over and over. In order to protect my feelings, she made me believe the end of our relationship was a direct consequence of my actions - when it fact, it had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with her. I loved a liar who told me what I wanted to hear. Until the last day, when she completely blindsided me. You know, now that I think about it, I guess it is my fault. My fault I believed her. Believed the lie, that everything was great.

I'm so angry. So frustrated. Two months ago I was living the perfect life with the perfect wife, and now, I'm alone and she's with another guy. I was disposed of, replaced, and nothing I can say or do can change the situation. The powerlessness, the impotence is so enraging. How could she do this to me? After all we'd been through... I nursed her through a burn-out... through surgery... and through the in utero death of our first child at 7 months. There's nothing I wouldn't have done for her, nothing I wouldn't have seen her through... and I was tossed aside. Ten years of love, faithfulness and dedication, cast aside.... for what ? Not sure I want to know that.

A lot of people mention that I'm lucky I don't have kids with her. Really ? Yes, it means I can cut off all contact and probably heal little faster from her betrayal... but on the other hand, you can love and be loved by your child. One of my best friends is in a similar situation, and he can focus all of his love and attention on his little girl. I'm alone. Completely, totally and utterly alone. Everyone in my story has already hooked up with someone else, except me - 'cause I was the last to know.

It isn't fair. If she'd actually taken the time to tell me what was going on, instead of running to another guy, we could have worked this out, easily. I'm still all over the place. I need to go run.


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## McFly (Jan 26, 2011)

You know... since I'm following my own thread very carefully, I thought I'd chime in. ;-) 

Today is a good day. 

I'm *this* close to getting an amazing job offer on the west coast. I just have to pass through an interview process that I know I'll be able to breeze through.... I'm slowly getting closer to a sweet girl I've had a crush on forever, who's coy and shy because she's been burned before. And, we both decided to get pierced next week. I won't say where. It should prove interesting. 

You know why I'm telling you this ? Because even if it's only been a couple very short months since my world was turned over like a table in a bar brawl, now that I have other things to work towards (getting a new job), other things to fantasize about (seducing this girl into wanting me), and other short term goals (run a half-marathon), the pain is actually incredibly diminished. 

I feel good. Today is a good day.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

McFly...i have to say you have said something very eye opening for me.What you're saying about the kids it's so true..even if my relationship turns into a huge 10 years lie my kids at least will validate that i didn't waste my time these 10 years,i have the most precious thing in the world and i will go into that relationship all over again so i can have the exact same creatures.
Thanks for saying this.I take my words back !

Sounds great that you have someone else in your life at the moment.Sounds promising!  Your job offer also sounds great.You're definitely on the right path to self healing.
Good luck and keep writing we'll be here for a while  !


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Well McFly I am so happy to hear that things are looking up for you. I guess life does always take us where we are meant to do, even though it might be terribly painful at the time. 

Your OP made me so sad for you. You sound like an amazing man & good things will come your way (like this new job & fabulous new girl!).

I felt too that my husband did a 180. Things had been fine, life was the usual crazy with 3 children & work. Our youngest had a stroke at the beginning of November (hes 4 & recovered really well thank god). Then just after Christmas he decides to leave. My emotions are all over the place, I'm up & down & all over the place. Trying to stay strong for the kids & just keep taking 1 day at a time. Just signed myself for Brazilian Ju Jitsu classes which should be a good way to relieve stress!


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## McFly (Jan 26, 2011)

Well, I'm pretty pissed off today. I was pretty pissed off yesterday too. I guess I'm pretty pissed off most of the time really, but I just kind of ignore it. There's no sense in dwelling on it, really. But last night, I went to hang out with a couple that my ex and I always visited together. It was strange to see them without her, and it was a constant reminder to me, all night, that I am without her now. That I am alone and unloved.

I had a few too many I guess you could say, and this constant reminder in my mind made me mad. I made a few comments about my ex that weren't exactly all that endearing. I want to project an image that I'm over it... but I guess that didn't work out. I mean, 10 years... and it's barely been 2 months. Someone once told me that it takes one month for every year that you're with that person. I think 2011 is gonna be a long freakin' year. At least I been keeping busy. This certainly helps.

So today being Valentines... we never made a huge deal about it, but always did mark the occasion. Maybe a night at the restaurant, or a special home cooked meal. It's hard to think she's busy doing that with the guy who replaced me, and not get angry. I would do anything for a smidgen of her attention. Isn't that stupid ? If she calls at me, I don't pick up. If she asked to see me, I'd say no. But I long for that attention, the kindness that she showed me during the time that we were together. I miss it so much. I miss being loved I guess.

In other news, for anyone who's followed my thread, I'm a step closer to that job in California. The first phone interview went really well, better than I expected, and I have another one at the beginning of next week. But this time, it won't really be them interviewing me, it'll be more like me interviewing them. They want to show me the stuff they're working on right now and lure me in. Things are looking good.


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