# Dealing with conflict



## newguy (Mar 25, 2008)

Whats the best way to dal with women in conflict situations?

I seem to always endup being in the wrong.

She can bring up the past but when I do I am a bastard and shouldnt do it

Cant stand the silence

She leaves house without saying anything and returns whenever and wont answer phone

Is this normal in conflicts. I just want to talk things calmly a lot of the times but it always gets out of hand and ends up with me appologizing and her getting whatver she wants. How do I change this? Should I put my foot down? Is it normal for seperation to be brought into it?

I sometimes just feel so much like a ***** tha gives into everything cause I am scared of the big D word.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

does she say she wants a "divorce" in the heat of the battle?

Sounds like she is a bit immature and gets upset when she does not get her way.

What are your ages?

My 9 year old son leaves the room and stomps and gives me the silent treatment when he does not get his way. An adult will talk it out.

I say stop giving in to her demands, stand your ground. bringing up the past is never a good idea for either party.


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## newguy (Mar 25, 2008)

She is 1 year older than I am. I am 37 she is 38. She is definetely the bossy type that is used to getting things her own way. Problem is I know she is extremely independent as I am but I am more of the person to want to work things out and talk where I feel she would easily make a rash decision and go on her own rather than not get her way. 
But then again things usually always work out. and She often says later that she would be destroyed emotionally if we did separate. But she definitely doesn't seem that way in the heat of battle.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

newguy said:


> Whats the best way to dal with women in conflict situations?
> 
> I seem to always endup being in the wrong.
> 
> ...


Some women are super emotional, my step daughter is like that... and it's impossible to talk to her, I think mainly because she is not interested in solving problems, she just likes to be emotional, the center of attention and feeling powerful 
by showing her feelings which she thinks controls others.
I have come to conclude with her it's best to just ignore her
until she matures a bit more as she is still very young.


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## newguy (Mar 25, 2008)

So this isnt an average womans behaviour. I was hoping that it was. Maybe I just need to be stronger emotionally and not let her control me that way.


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## perpetua (Apr 12, 2009)

You need to stop being afraid of the "D" word! She has probably learned she can get away with this behavior b/c you are fearful. Imagine the worst--and then realize that it is a) something you can survive; b) something MORE LIKELY to happen if you let things continue and c) something unlikely to happen if you get counseling (individual or joint) to deal with these problems. 

Good luck!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

newguy said:


> So this isnt an average womans behaviour. I was hoping that it was. Maybe I just need to be stronger emotionally and not let her control me that way.


I dont know if this is average behavior or not, but I do know that myself and my four older sisters have all acted this way at some point in the marriage. And I have read a lot of other stories on here about women acting this way.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

If I remember correctly, isn't your wife pregnant? Women can be moody at other times, too. Depending on the specific issue, I have given the silent treatment or just left the house to cool off. As a matter of fact, just today, I was pissed off at my husband because he yelled at me about heating up noodles. I think I was frustrated by other things, and it just builds up. I think it is the opposite of a control issue. I think she is avoidng conflict by not trying to control your behavior.


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## newguy (Mar 25, 2008)

Sensitive said:


> If I remember correctly, isn't your wife pregnant? Women can be moody at other times, too. Depending on the specific issue, I have given the silent treatment or just left the house to cool off. As a matter of fact, just today, I was pissed off at my husband because he yelled at me about heating up noodles. I think I was frustrated by other things, and it just builds up. I think it is the opposite of a control issue. I think she is avoidng conflict by not trying to control your behavior.


I guess more than the silence it is the brash things she says. Like she will burst out that she knew this would happen and we should just sell the house. Then she will go through all the past things she didnt like and how she is never happy and she will say things like I will go to my parent and you can go to Australia. 

I will usually end up teling her how sorry I am and that we should get councelling. She says no and to just shut up.

Usually everthing is fine next day or so. even she is in good mood and extra loving. This was before pregnency as well.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Something to consider is she doesnt see it from your side. She doesnt see herself. I explode on my H but i can get over it the next day because i dont see myself, i dont feel like the victim, so i can just move on. It doesnt effect me. 

The only reason I got a reality check is because one, my sister is nuts so i can see what i must look like. its ridiculous. and two, because my brother said he was shocked my H hadnt left me. Until those things hit home, I had no idea how ridiculous my behavior was. 

The hard part is, she wont take a wake up call from you. I dont think there was anything my H could have ever said to let me know how ridiculous my behavior was because i felt like he deserved everything i could throw at him. maybe there is some family or friends that can give her a wake up call. from that point its up to her what to do with the information.


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## Icee (Mar 31, 2009)

Big red flag if seperation/divorce is brought up everytime you get into a heated discussion/argument. one should not just say that unless it was a true feeling/desire. I learned this b/c i used to do the whole "fine...we should break up" and leave thing. Once we made up, my partner at the time sat me down and said that this was extremely hurtful and unacceptable. This was not behavior he was willing to put up with and if i loved him at all i would stop this, and that the next time i did/said these hurtful things it would be over. And to this day... unless i am actually willing to give up on the realtionship i will not say anything of the sort to my husband.


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## newguy (Mar 25, 2008)

Thanks, great advice. I definitely need to put my foot down and dont let her control me so easily.


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## yesterday (Feb 6, 2009)

Hello Newguy-

I find myself in a similar situation. My wife is a very independent woman and I can be as strong willed as anyone when I feel my values are being infringed. Poor conflict resolution skills on both our parts have plagued our marriage for sometime. However my wife and I are in counseling together and separately and working on this (mostly independently at this point). 

Here are a few insights for your consideration.

Do stand up for yourself. If you feel controlled, say so. The best time to work through these issues is when you are not in the middle of an argument. Have you tried to talk to your wife about this at another time? If so, what happened?

Try to focus on your feelings and controlling them, especially during an argument. You may be triggering her with something you do during a fight. I learned that although it is natural to feel defensive, angry and frustrated, letting these emotions get the best of you will not improve your communication.

What I find is working well in my situation is to deflect my wife's criticisms by agreeing with her comment no matter how insulting, emphathizing with how she must be feeling to say such a thing, asserting my perspective respectfully using "I feel" terms and then asking her to share more about how she feels and/or what she means by her comments. It is really, really hard to do mind you and am I not always successful, but it is showing some promise. At least she is admitting her contribution to the problem now and working on it.

I learned this method via the Feeling Good book series by Dr. David Burns.

Keep up the good work.


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