# Not sure about my fiance



## EBD (Jun 4, 2012)

I have been engaged to my fiance for only a month. We have been together a total of a year. Fast I know, but we really do love each other.
Anyways, I an a bit confused on his behavior. 
Here is a list of things that have me worried. But what confuses me is that he doesnt act like this ALL the time. Sometimes he acts like he doesnt care. But then I get all these from him to:

If I take to long at the store, he will call/text me to find out where I am.
He got mad and put a hole in the wall (was drunk) 
He was mad at me the other day cause I wouldnt talk to him so he smacked my leg really hard, and told me to knock it off.
He looks through my phone, has to know who calls or texts me.
He met my friends (girls) and found out they were cheaters so now I cant go out with them without him unless I am home by 8pm and dont drink to much. And even if I was to think about doing that, I get the guilt trip. So I havent seen my friends in forever. 

I am not stupid, I know this is controlling, I just dont get WHY he would be like that only sometimes. Like 70% of the time. Yes thats enough, but does that mean he may be changing for the better?
Thanks so much!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My guess is he'll become more abusive and controlling over time, not less. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EBD (Jun 4, 2012)

Really? I just dont get it.


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## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

It's tough but I'd walk now, it sounds like a disaster in the future waiting to happen. How long before you do something petty he really doesn't like and hits you.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

People don't change unless they're given a reason to change. And right now, you're giving him positive feedback on his negative behavior. My guess is that as his current behavior loses its shock value, he will escalate it to the next level. Or something will push his buttons a little harder. So the next punch when he's drunk may not be a wall. Or he'll find a text that can be misinterpreted. Or you wont respond quickly enough to his text or call... All these things will just escalate and reinforce his behavior. You'll lose you external support network, and become dependent on him as he gets you to push your friends away.

Personally, I'd advise getting out of the relationship. At a minimum, either some form of relationship counselling or setting boundaries of what you think is acceptable behavior.how long till you get married? And I look forward to the other input from the group. I've never been in an abusive relationship. Btw, do you two live together? How old are you both? And what has your relationships pasts been like?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EBD (Jun 4, 2012)

Yes we have been living together for the past 3 months. We both have children from past marriages. I am 38 and hes 36. 
It makes sense people dont change unless theres a reason. 
I have always been in abusive relationships. And He has always been cheated on and left. I have never given him any reason to doubt me or my love for him.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you gone to counselling to figure out why your people picker is broken? Because when the same thing keeps happening over and over, the only thing in common with the failed relationships is you.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EBD (Jun 4, 2012)

lol my people picker.

No, maybe I should get some help.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Sorry you are having these issues. Seems like you should bail. Not surprising he would not be happy with you hanging out with cheating friends when you say he has been cheated on in the past. Why would you want to be with this crowd anyway?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Take this as a warning. My ex h wasn't abusive until our WEDDING night! Small signs were there, but nothing prepared me for what came next. I was smart and left after a year and a half. I married the fool because I was pregnant. What a mistake that was, I should of never married him.

I remarried a few years later and my husband now is the most gentlest, kindest, giving man I ever met. In the last 13 years he has never raised his voice at me. My husband always puts my needs before his own. We truly love each other. The best years of my life for sure have been the last 13 with him. I look forward everyday him coming home from work and the weekends to spend time with him.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

EBD said:


> He got mad and put a hole in the wall (was drunk)
> 
> he smacked my leg really hard, and told me to knock it off.


These are what worried me the most. 
He sounds abusive.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If you want 50 more years of this, marry him.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I agree with all above

Do not marry this guy or have kids with him!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea..the whole "drunk and wall punching" is a deal breaker for me. Ew.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

honestly, EBD, when I read this I figured you were 21, 22...

you are 38 and still putting up with this? Time for counseling, and right now.

And no, don't marry him. Your people picker is seriously broken.


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## seesah (Apr 26, 2012)

EBD said:


> I have been engaged to my fiance for only a month. We have been together a total of a year. Fast I know, but we really do love each other.
> Anyways, I an a bit confused on his behavior.
> Here is a list of things that have me worried. But what confuses me is that he doesnt act like this ALL the time. Sometimes he acts like he doesnt care. But then I get all these from him to:
> 
> ...


It sounds abusive to me. Don't marry the guy because it will only escalate. He isn't this way all of the time because if he was you wouldn't stay with him.

Abusers often have very low self-esteem. They abuse because they think it's the only way to keep you around. However, don't try to fix it, just get out before it gets worse. He's already hit you and he's already isolated you from your friends. Don't take the chance that things are going to get better. You'll only become more enmeshed.

1-800-799-SAFE. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline if you want to talk to someone more about what's going on in your relationship.


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## EBD (Jun 4, 2012)

I asked him tonight (via text) what he would change about me, why he is the way he is, and he said its cause I give him the silent treatment. He said he has never hit a girl. And I said what about smacking my leg a few weeks ago, and he said "that was cause you wouldnt talk". He said my silent treatments are deadly. I asked him if he is saying I deserved that? and he said I deserve every spanking I get. So I told him no more "spankings except in the bedroom" and he said absolutely. Then he said no more silent treatment? I said what if I do, and he said then you get a spanking. I said a nice one? he said yep. So I dont know what to think, is he pulling my leg, and making me think he has changed?


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## applewii (Jun 5, 2012)

I would walk away if i were you if he punched a hole in the wall its never a good sign.


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## EBD (Jun 4, 2012)

Haaaaa funny you'd say that. His 2 best friends are gay.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

EBD said:


> Yes we have been living together for the past 3 months. We both have children from past marriages. I am 38 and hes 36.
> It makes sense people dont change unless theres a reason.
> I have always been in abusive relationships. And He has always been cheated on and left. I have never given him any reason to doubt me or my love for him.


What if just once, you made him prove himself worthy of you and be a decent, respectful man instead of you trying desperately to prove yourself to him?


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