# Please help- I need an opinion



## easysilence (Jul 1, 2009)

Ok, so I have been saving up money and looking for a place to move out to all summer. I finally found a place. The only problem is that it's only about five houses down and around the corner from where we live now. 
I know it's not ideal, but it is the ONLY thing out there right now, and I want this move over with before my kids come home from their dad's. (They summer with him.) 

Last night, DH and I got a little drunk and were talking about this separation. We both know that it would kill us to see each other out with other people, so we decided that neither of us would start dating. We set up a time limit to revisit the whole dating thing. 

We talked about the fact that I would be right up the street. Granted, we had been drinking. But when we talked about it last night, I thought we both decided that we could handle that. After all, there's not really anything else out there. I have been looking all summer. 

So this morning, I leave for work and here he is calling my cell. He's telling me that I need to really think about moving there because it's too close and we won't have any space. He is convinced that there are other options. He's adamant about it and tells me that it's not f*cking healthy to move into that house. My friend told me that same thing when I talked to her about this yesterday. 

But here's my thinking: I have been looking for a suitable house ALL SUMMER and now it's fall almost. This is really the only thing I've seen advertised AT ALL. I've seen ads for other places, but they don't have enough bedrooms or the rent is more than I can afford. This place, other than being close to DH, is PERFECT! 

Not only that, but I thought the decision was made last night about this, then this morning he changed his tune completely. It made me angry, and it makes me feel like this is just another way for him to try to control me- by telling me I can't move there. 

Also, I feel like the options are either move into that house or don't move at all. I don't want to be moving after the kids start school. I feel like if I don't go now, that this may never happen. 

Please help! What do you think about this?


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## Justawife (Aug 14, 2009)

I think a part of you wants to torment him by being so close...don't move that close..their has to be something...in this ecom times...people are moving alot... Good Luck!


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Easysilence,

It is my opinion that you move there. Yes it is close, but what you need is just space. Space isn't a defined term. Yet more importantly isn't one of your issues with him control? Well if you give in to hiim on this then you are enabling him to continue to control you -- this has been your part of the dance the two of you have been doing. You can't change him regarding control until you change you in this instance. By renting this place, the one you want, will shift the dance. Now he will resent it and try to go back to the old dance. But if you stand firm for yourself in a nice way, then this could be the first step of your new relationship with him. He will change in time because you are changing.

Just my thoughts. These aren't my original thoughts - the come out of a book called "The Dance with Anger" by Harriett Lerner. I have an anger problem (and no I'm not talking about raging violent anger or anything like that), but I'm afraid of what I might do in a conflict situation so I avoid it not rock the boat. This makes me look like I give in all the time on the surface to my w, but inside I'm not. I'm trying to protect her from some imagined anger I would get.

But the book is great in laying out how we dance with each other. All of this he/she has got to change is true, but we must first change ourselves to change the dance and thereby creating change in the other person.


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## easysilence (Jul 1, 2009)

Thank you both for your input. It really helps to get a different perspective on what's going on with me. 
And really, I have no interest in tormenting him. I hope to keep to myself and just lay low. 
I wonder what you guys think about the 'dating arrangement'. I have no idea if this is normal, what we've worked out. 
All I know is that when he said, "Let's not see other people," I felt like an 8-ton weight had been lifted off my shoulders. 

I don't want another man, I love DH. I do. But we both know it's time for us to be apart.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I agree with the no dating rule. We have that rule in our seperation. In fact no men at her place and no women at my place either. Our counselor agrees on this. The reasoning is that if you are dating others you can't focus on you and the marriage.


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## easysilence (Jul 1, 2009)

Man, does that ever make me feel better. Just to know that it's a normal thing and it's a GOOD thing. 

Feelingalone, how long have you been separated? Is your goal to get back together soon?

I have no idea what a normal time frame is for a separation. Right now, I have no immediate plan to live with him again. Like.. ever. We both have to get ourselves squared away personally before we can even consider that. 

See, we have to prove to ourselves and each other that we can take care of ourselves. I feel like DH will fail miserably without me financially because I take care of making sure that bills are paid and up to date. I also think he will soon be living hip-deep in dirty laundry, dishes, and trash in general. I hope he proves me wrong. 
DH doesn't like to let me make decisions. I guess he doesn't think I can or something, but that is a big control issue and me living apart from him will allow me to make decisions for my life. 
He thinks I am going to make bad decisions and fail miserably at living on my own. I plan to prove him wrong. 

If we can do this, 'prove each other wrong' about each other, then I think that's going help us to begin looking at each other differently, with more respect. 
I feel like that would be the first step in reconciliation. 

What do you think, does that make sense?


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## easysilence (Jul 1, 2009)

Both of our families (most of them, anyway) are VERY glad that we are separating and don't want to see us together again ever. That really hurts my feelings. 
I knew my brothers didn't like him, but I thought my dad did. Plus, I thought his mom and step-dad liked me. That part hurts a lot.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

easysilence,

It's funny how different perspectives are....We intentionally tried to find a place close to each other. Our daughter like the idea also. It's great, I feel, if it's in the same neighborhood for the kids. They can ride their bikes to your house or if they forget something it's not a big deal. So, unless either of you have plans to have some hot thing come over and spend the night, etc...I wouldn't fret. We agreed no dating others.

I've been separated over a month. It's difficult and REALLY allows you to step by from the day-day relationship. My goal is toward reconciliation. His goal was to get out (grass is greener). I've been married 24 years...this was my last ditch effort to SAVE the marriage. I have a thread here called Love Must Be Tough.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Easysilence,

We have been seperated physically for about a month. If you would have asked me the get back together question a week ago I would have said as soon as possible. This week I say as soon as I do the things I need to do to become happy with myself. 

The time apart (and yes we have a son) has been hard on me. But I am getting to the core of my issues. The things that held me back from giving my w what she needed from me. Self reflection and realization is difficult and emotionally exhausting at times. But it is the only way to change yourself. And that is what it is all about.

There are no timelines. There is no surety about reconciliation. The only thing you can control is you.

I do highly suggest the book I mentioned before "The Dance of Anger" and "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson. The Dance of Anger is showing me how I've acted. It is about anger and not rage and violence. How different people react to events. Patterns develop. The biggest thing so far (haven't finished it yet) is that when you are blaming someone for something what you are really saying is that I have an issue with that because of ......... It shows you that when you use "I" statements instead of "you did this" statements that you are clearer in conveying your feelings etc. It changes the dance.

Anyway, enough rambling. Quit worrying about proving him wrong. That is just blame. Just do it for yourself.


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## easysilence (Jul 1, 2009)

Corpuswife, I will read your thread. DH is not bio-dad, the kids are from my prior marriage. He is very close with my daughter though. It will be hard on her most. He took her to her first day of school and everything. She's ten. 
I think you're right, Feelingalone that I should quit worrying about proving him wrong and focus on myself. But right now everything about me is SO intertwined with him that it's hard for me to just 'remove' him from my thought process. 

I am very nervous right now. I have so many 'what if's going on it's not even funny. The biggest one is 'what if I lose my job?' The thought of going through that kind of thing alone just scares the living hell out of me. 
There's so much to be nervous about. I'm a total roller coaster right now. I'm excited one minute, scared as hell the next. Ready for this separation one minute, the next minute wanting to hold onto DH with all my might. It's just nuts.


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## mikey (Jul 7, 2009)

I am very inexperienced in these matters and my opinion may not be very valuable at this point in your life, but what I have realized in my separation is that my wife's demands are continuously changing. It was her idea to separate, we didn't set up any rules as she wasn't ready to discuss all that, but we did agree to work on it.

But ever since we have separated, she doesn't talk at all about working it out. May be she needs more time b4 she is ready.

What I think is that in a way separation helps in finding yourself back and restoring self confidence/esteem, but some people loose concentration and they divert from the issues they got separated for at the first place. I hope thats not the case with you.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

easysilence said:


> Corpuswife, I will read your thread. DH is not bio-dad, the kids are from my prior marriage. He is very close with my daughter though. It will be hard on her most. He took her to her first day of school and everything. She's ten.
> I think you're right, Feelingalone that I should quit worrying about proving him wrong and focus on myself. But right now everything about me is SO intertwined with him that it's hard for me to just 'remove' him from my thought process.
> 
> I am very nervous right now. I have so many 'what if's going on it's not even funny. The biggest one is 'what if I lose my job?' The thought of going through that kind of thing alone just scares the living hell out of me.
> There's so much to be nervous about. I'm a total roller coaster right now. I'm excited one minute, scared as hell the next. Ready for this separation one minute, the next minute wanting to hold onto DH with all my might. It's just nuts.



Easy,

It's completely normal to go over the "what ifs" and "whys." Oh my. It does get a little easier over time and space. The intertwined feeling I know. How could I possible disentagle my life from my H's? It seemed impossible. Well, it pretty much is at this point. Although, I do keep in contact with his parents and sisters. We are all close. There are no sides in this matter. We all love each other. Even my H and I love each other. I feel bad for him.


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