# Not sure!!!!!



## SUZIWORD (Nov 11, 2010)

I have posted before, my H and I are reconciling and things are going good for us, now the rest of my family, not so good. Things were done and said, feelings hurt, etc. alot of it had to do with me running my mouth to every single person I could about how he was the bad guy. I would tell the whole story everything he said of course and so what to I expect family to do but take my side right?!? Especially if the only know one side. I tried to explain to them the truth as we were in the process of getting back together but to much water under the bridge for them to think I was telling the truth they more understood it as me trying to sugar coat it for them since I am forgiving him and going back.

Now, I am in a position of husband, family, who comes first whose side am I suppose to be on. Long story short, son is moving home from the military, awesome, moving in with grandma, no problem, she is cooking Sunday for the family my husband is off work, but not allowed over there. Do I go or stay with H? Were do my loyalities lay?!? I go over there when he is working to spend time with my mom & dad. I love them very much and they have been very good too me. She is very opinionated and very passive/agressive and I can see it now, where before I couldn't and allowed it to rule my action (alot). But H says she is doing this Sunday on purpose to prove a point is she or is she just being sweet and loving grandma?!? 

Oh the webs we weave when we try to decieve. Yep, I am definitely caught in my own web.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Your first loyalty is to your husband.
I think that you need to sit your family down, explain everything, tell them that the two of you have reconciled and are working on your marriage.
Explain to them that HE is your primary concern, that you would like for your parents to be involved in your life, but that it is not necessary for your survival.
Let them know that it is a package deal or none at all.
Let me get this - your son is coming home, going to grandma's and his Dad isn't allowed? Bad idea for you, your son, your husband, and your parents.
Talk to them before Sunday and tell them that on Sunday, they will welcome hubby or none of you will be there again.


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## SUZIWORD (Nov 11, 2010)

Okay, let me clarify...this is my third husband. My first husband (all three of my kids are from him) doesn't live here and basically had nothing to do with them at all growing up (married 10 years). Second husband was around while they were growing up but not a father figure at all more of a dictator. He was always leaving us b/c he couldn't handle kids and then coming back (16 years of that). My third husband and I have been together for 2.5 years. All boys grown, well youngest 20 and basically they all live on their own and working, school, etc. 

With that said I had alot of baggage...from verbal abuse and just so unsure that my poor H has put up with alot of BS from me and it hasn't been easy for him. B/c I think the first solution to working things out is getting a divorce, stems from second marriage I guess, or loud screaming, hateful word fights. Not fair to him at all. 

Everyone has been dragged into my life ever since my first husband! My fault b/c I think alot had to do with my childhood, etc., anyway....lessons learned for me. I had to make sure at all cost I pleased everyone and everyone had to be happy regardless if I was happy.

But I do think your right H should come first, but what about my kiddos? Two are married the youngest in college. So, its not like they are small children that I am still having to raise, but then I am told by some....they are still your children and I know that I would never cut them out completely, but I do feel like they have cut me out b/c of my choice. When I have stood by them through alot fo their choices.

Oh, life so hard when it shouldn't be!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

> Things were done and said, feelings hurt, etc. alot of it had to do with me running my mouth to every single person I could about how he was the bad guy.


I really hoped you learned not to do this. I stopped after college when my mom would hold the looongggest grudges on BFs! Geez!

I would stay with husband. You are a unit. Gotta show that. Have a little thing at your house for your son the next day or even that late evening.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Could wrote your post word for word, except the multiple marriages and we have two young toddlers. I myself am learning that I must choose my H now. If my family wants to join our lives, great, but if not it is their loss. My H and I are happily rebuilding our marriage. I have found the tension when I'm around my family without my husband present is still very strong. I have tried to give them time to accept this on their terms, but I will no longer choose my family over my husband. I am sorry you are dealing with this.:-(
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Your loyalty is to your spouse.

In fact I wouldn`t go anywhere my wife was banned from.

I would cease going to my parents house with or without him and tell them why.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you and your husband in therapy to learn better choices?


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## SUZIWORD (Nov 11, 2010)

Nope and not really even sure if he would consider it. He went after his divorce so I think he thinks he has all the right answers since then. 

We did have a disagreement about this whole weekend thing at my mom's. B/c after I talked to her on Monday it was like all of their/our friends came over....except me! This weekend he is own nights and I am going to spend time with my mom on Friday night and Saturday I am going to spend time with my boys and their wives and my grandbaby. But, its like he will thrown in digs about me not being home the whole weekend he is gone and I won't have time to cook or clean, etc. I know his advice is that I should tell my whole family to F off if he can't come then I shouldn't be part of their lives. But truly I can not nor do I want to do that. I love my family and they have there reasons for the barriers and judgements about him (some based on what I have said and done and some based on the way he has behaved in their presence and things he has said and done). But, I can't give them up totally for him. I can respect him and not go around when he is off, etc. and I will not let them talk about him, but I love my boys. I can not cut them out of my life and I love my mom. Yes, she is judgemental at times and yes she tries to run the show, but no more than him too. Its funny b/c both my second and third husbands looking back seem to be so much like her maybe that is why they can't get along. The only difference with my second husband is he would get mad, fly off the handle and then a week later say he lets plan a cruise call your parents, etc. and tell them to go with us. Don't get me wrong he did alot of bad things to me and my children and my family. 

I don't know what will happen. Taking it day by day. I am at the point right now if its meant to be then it will all be okay and if not I will soon figure that out. I would never tell him to kiss off his family ever and there have been issues with them, but family is very important and you shouldn't make your spouse have to choose. 

I don't know. Mabye I am the one that needs therapy! B/c I sure can't seem to keep a marriage together!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sorry, but I pick family over a husband, if he's being passive aggressive (and a baby) about it.

Tell him that you will take him with you, go to your family, and apologize in front of him for making him look bad, and tell them not to judge him.

fwiw, he would go to counseling if you said either go with me to counseling or I'm ending the marriage. Or maybe he wouldn't, and then you'd really know where his priorities are.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Not everybody believes in counseling. It's silly, but it is true. 

I wouldn't want someone attending therapy with me, only because of an ultimatum. Counseling won't work if both spouses aren't committed to working out issues with a professional.

Spouses come first; loyalties have to shift once a marriage occurs.

When my mother was prone to making scenes with screaming fits, I considered my husband's feelings and we stopped going over there for a time. Now she doesn't even dare to ask us inappropriate and personal questions, because I have firmly set boundaries. We are in control of our marriage and our choices, not her. A person can only "run the show" if you let them.


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## SUZIWORD (Nov 11, 2010)

I totally agree with some of you about hubby comes first, etc. But when I am feeling the way I am feeling right now, I don't think so. I think he wants to isolate me from everyone and he is putting barriers up and doing the old threatening I am going to do what I want to do so just go do what you have to do BS. 

I think he is very verbally and emotionally abusive. But I chose to ignore it and allowed him to sweet talk be back into his web! He said horrible, horrible things about my family and I just allowed it and took him back anyway. I think that he should put aside his differences for my family and at least try to make it better but he only insists on making it worse.

We are fighting now b/c he works tonight and I am going to my moms to see them and my son and his wife. Really...he is so afraid they are going to manipulative me and make me leave him. But what he doesn't realize is his irritional behavior is what is making me want to leave! 

I seriously don't know if I have the energy to continue to do this with him. I would never keep him from his family regardless. He has two smaller children what do I do make it just like their home don't take anything out on them. i think he would prefer it if I left everyone and only had him and his family He would be happy then well just for a while b/c it would always be something. 

Now, now 2 months after getting back together I realize what it is that I don't like about him and why I left him in the first place and I am totally screwed! He pawned my camera so he would have money, he threw away my winter clothes b/c he was mad, he went out with his ex wife and dated a girl for a month while we were seperated which was only two to three months and introduced his kids to her! WTF! 

I am so angry and frustrated at myself that I have allowed myself back in this boat again! 

I have made some of the most stupidiest mistakes and you would think I would be older and wiser and I just feel older and dumber!

How can one person not have a spine or care enough about herself to allow herself to be manipulative again!


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

turnera said:


> Sorry, but I pick family over a husband, if he's being passive aggressive (and a baby) about it.
> 
> Tell him that you will take him with you, go to your family, and apologize in front of him for making him look bad, and tell them not to judge him.
> 
> fwiw, he would go to counseling if you said either go with me to counseling or I'm ending the marriage. Or maybe he wouldn't, and then you'd really know where his priorities are.


I'm sorry tundra but ultimatums very rarely work. It invokes a response due to fear and not a willingness. Its just like a person demanding an unfaithful spouse stop. If they don't want to, the ultimatum does nothing. 

And a spouse should always come before family. The order should be God (for those who believe in him), spouse, children, then family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's not an ultimatum - it is YOUR decision, and you are relaying it to him: Husband, I won't stay married like this. I want to stay married to you, but I won't if we don't find a way to work this out. It's your choice: go with me or I'm gonna go pack my bags.


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## SUZIWORD (Nov 11, 2010)

Thank you guys for responding. This weekend was horrible!!!! Went to my mom's Friday night and we had a big blow up on Saturday. Some things H said were true and I need to make some changes in my personal life and I am in the process of doing that. But during our arguement, he told me that I was stupid, naive and easily manipulated. That my mother was a B****, my niece is a B*****, he totally hates my entire family and he would never probably ever like them again. That we are all hypocrites, liars, cheaters, etc., We use people and it went on and on. I spent the entire rest of the weekend sick and depressed. I don't know where to go from here.

I am reading a book on emotional abuse and verbal abuse. He is so very good at playing mind games. It seems like everyone I have ever been with has been good at playing mind games. I feel totally alone.

I had a home that he convinced me to give up. Its my mothers and it is my inhertiance, but he convinced me she used it as a tool to manipulate me. I never saw it that away, but he was very good or is very good at words. 

I feel I have been used, played and I don't know what else to do. I pray and I feel like God doesn't even hear me! I asked for guidance and I get none! Nothing. 

My house is still vacant, it was on the market to be sold, but no one even made an offer. Is that a sign? My mom told me Friday night I could move home. What do I do? I loved my home? He always wanted to live in my town and once he got there he HATED it and convinced me the same! What do I do now?!? How do I make it right? 

I guess if I truly trusted this man with my best interest at heart, then I guess I could walk away from my family. But there is somthing that is holding me back. I don't trust him, I don't trust me to have my best interest at heart. 

I am just tired. I don't want to spend the rest of my life questioning myself I don't want to go through this anymore. 

Its not normal to have to give up your family! Its not normal to have all this stress! Life is not suppose to be this complicated!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

God wants you to protect yourself. 

Move back to your house. There IS no other choice at this point. 

What you have is not a marriage. A marriage feeds BOTH people's souls; what are you getting out of it? Besides feeling worthless, foolish, and unloved?


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