# HELP! He'll be home in 1/2 an hour, I need to confront him.



## lee72 (Dec 29, 2011)

I posted a thread earlier if you want more information. But, I just started looking around our office out of curiousity. He throws away his phone bills and has been clearing the internet history every time he's on the computer. So, I looked at his bank statement. I literally got physically sick. Suspecting cheating after 14.5 years is one thing, but finding proof is so much more difficult to accept.

Around 2 weeks ago when I first suspected an affair, he began dressing nicer, haircut, secretive phone calls, etc. Then when confronted w/ suspicions tried to say I was "crazy". I just found florist charges and a hotel charge for that week before christmas on his bank account. The day of the charge he had off work and told me he was going out to do some christmas shopping. He came home with no purchases and I asked why - he said he couldn't find anything. Well, in addtn to hotel, there are considerable shopping charges and they weren't for me. 

He'll be home soon and I need to get this over with, and I don't want to get overly emotional. Just pack his bag and tell him goodbye? Show him that I caught him? He'll try to make something up and I don't want to let him make me unsure of myself. HELP.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

lee72 said:


> I posted a thread earlier if you want more information. But, I just started looking around our office out of curiousity. He throws away his phone bills and has been clearing the internet history every time he's on the computer. So, I looked at his bank statement. I literally got physically sick. Suspecting cheating after 14.5 years is one thing, but finding proof is so much more difficult to accept.
> 
> Around 2 weeks ago when I first suspected an affair, he began dressing nicer, haircut, secretive phone calls, etc. Then when confronted w/ suspicions tried to say I was "crazy". I just found florist charges and a hotel charge for that week before christmas on his bank account. The day of the charge he had off work and told me he was going out to do some christmas shopping. He came home with no purchases and I asked why - he said he couldn't find anything. Well, in addtn to hotel, there are considerable shopping charges and they weren't for me.
> 
> He'll be home soon and I need to get this over with, and I don't want to get overly emotional. Just pack his bag and tell him goodbye? Show him that I caught him? He'll try to make something up and I don't want to let him make me unsure of myself. HELP.


JMO, but I think you need to have your ducks in a row before confronting him. Do you have proof in hand? Do you have copies of anything in case he tries to destroy proof? 

Have you thought about what your plan is after you confront him? Do you think he will break down and cry? Get mad and leave? I'm sure there is no easy way or right way to confront someone with those kinds of findings but all I can say is, be prepared for anything at this point. Stand your ground though.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Until you can get copies made of that bill, don't tell him about it. Just tell him you have proof, and that you'd like him to leave (if indeed thats what you want). I just worry about him destroying your evidence. You'll want to hold onto that - just so that you KNOW you aren't crazy. You've got the proof! Good luck!


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## lee72 (Dec 29, 2011)

Yes, I have the statement in my hand. And the charge clearly states florist and sheraton hotel (which by the way is 5 minutes from our house). I don't know what he'll do. He has a temper, so it could go lots of ways.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

read my cwi newbie link


you need to be firm as he very likely lie, gaslight and blameshift you

I would pack his stuff up first before confronting so when he starts to BS you you can tell him that his things are ready and the door is right there


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

lee72 said:


> Yes, I have the statement in my hand. And the charge clearly states florist and sheraton hotel (which by the way is 5 minutes from our house). I don't know what he'll do. He has a temper, so it could go lots of ways.


Not just the statement, but copies of it?


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## bellamaxjoy (Oct 27, 2011)

Please do not confront him until you have the copies of the bills ect made and put in a safe place. Write down all your suspicions so you can keep your mind clear when the time comes. R you certain that you do not want reconcilitation? If you want to reconcile you will need to handle it differently than if you just want him out. I will tell you that you can recover from an affair, I am living proof. Evaluate all this, post here for ANY help you need. there is a section for coping with infidelity, as well as a wonderful web site that helped me so much after finding my husbands affair out, it was a christian site Themarriagebed.com Also another excellent source for great help is Surviving infidelity. com, they have a "healing Library" that was a godsend for me. Hugs to you dear, remember to drink fluids, you will be quickly dehydrated. if you can eat something as well. Go and get copies of EVERYTHING. Do a facebook search and see if he is on it as well. It would be better if you get as much information ahead of confrontation. good luck dear


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Personally, I think you should hold put for more proof. Get copies of the statement and put them in safe places. In addition, buy a VAR for his vehicle and install a keylogger on the computer. If you have any urge at all to save your marriage you need to find out who the OW is. Exposure of both APs is one of the best ways to break the affair fog.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If it was me, I couldn't help confronting (after copying/scanning the statement). When I found the incriminating emails, I forwarded them to myself while he was in the shower, then went to the door of the shower and told him to pack his bags. NO if's ands or buts, just GET OUT. When he asked why, I simply told him to go have a look at his computer screen. He spent all day trying to convince me otherwise but I held fast, and when we were able to get the kids out of the hosue I laid it into him - simply kept asking "AND???" every time he admitted something. He was gone that evening. Two days later I send him an email titled "Here's what you are going to do" and did not see him face to face for another two and a half months.

That was in March 2010. Today we are R'ing and are doing pretty good


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> Personally, I think you should hold put for more proof. Get copies of the statement and put them in safe places. In addition, buy a VAR for his vehicle and install a keylogger on the computer. If you have any urge at all to save your marriage you need to find out who the OW is. Exposure of both APs is one of the best ways to break the affair fog.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've got to say, I am loving this whole 'exposure' thing. Seriously? It could have saved me tons of shame and pain had I known about it when I was cheated on...


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> read my cwi newbie link
> 
> 
> you need to be firm as he very likely lie, gaslight and blameshift you
> ...


Agree. Read the link. Do not act in haste. There is plenty of time. Just take control of situation
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## akira1 (Dec 13, 2011)

I suggest a VAR and a good exposure plan before anything.


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## isitforreal (Jan 5, 2012)

BE CALM....I suggest you NOT confront him tonight, pretend to be tired tonight and don't talk to him much, get your ducks in a row tomorrow morning and you will be able to think more clearly. 
Right now he might lie to you about the few things you found, but tomorrow you can do more research (snooping, it's ok, we all do it) and get more answers (instead of lies) and think more clearly!! 
It will be difficult tonight, and you will most likely stay awake all night steaming, but just be cool. Save your energy to confront him tomorrow after you've had time to see the big picture. 
Good luck, be strong!!


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## RelationshipCoach (Nov 7, 2011)

Emotions will drive your actions into high gear. It's likely you confronted him last night since you haven't come back to update us. I hope you are safe and know that we are all here to help you. 
~Marcie


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## lee72 (Dec 29, 2011)

Thank you all for the advice. I tried waiting but it literally made me sick to my stomach talking to him and pretending it was ok.
Allot has happenedover the past two weeks and most has been unpleasant. 
He's still here, he refused to leave and said I'd have to find a way to make him...that we can fix this. The thing is I keep catching him in lies and he sends mixed signals. He says he wants to fix this but then says he's looking for an apartment. He tells me he loves me and that i'm beautiful, then the next night says i'm overweight and unattractive and it makes him not want me - thus making him want other women. I'll admit that my self esteem is crap and that's probably why I haven't just left. But knowing that doesn't fix it.
Withing a week of finding out about the affair, I had my 40th bday (which was pretty lonely) and then 2 days later my dog, who was like a child for me died. I want to get thru this in a positive way and come out the other end better...it just seems impossible right now.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

lee72 said:


> Thank you all for the advice. I tried waiting but it literally made me sick to my stomach talking to him and pretending it was ok.
> Allot has happenedover the past two weeks and most has been unpleasant.
> He's still here, he refused to leave and said I'd have to find a way to make him...that we can fix this. The thing is I keep catching him in lies and he sends mixed signals. He says he wants to fix this but then says he's looking for an apartment. He tells me he loves me and that i'm beautiful, then the next night says i'm overweight and unattractive and it makes him not want me - thus making him want other women. I'll admit that my self esteem is crap and that's probably why I haven't just left. But knowing that doesn't fix it.
> Withing a week of finding out about the affair, I had my 40th bday (which was pretty lonely) and then 2 days later my dog, who was like a child for me died. I want to get thru this in a positive way and come out the other end better...it just seems impossible right now.


I'm sorry you're going through this. 

If I were you I would leave. Tell him when he's done playing games then maybe, MAYBE we could talk. Right now you can't believe a word he says.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

How awful for you. If my hubby hadn't left I would have had to. No way could I have stood to be under the same roof.

Have you read up on the 180? Do you know who the OW is?


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

If he is refusing to leave then you go and start your life again you dont need a horrible person like that in your life. If you dont want to then when his out the house get the locks changed and throw his stuff out that way he will have to go.


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