# Am I going crazy???? Wife doesnt kiss etc.



## Welcometomylife (Aug 10, 2014)

Hey everyone just wondering this is my second time writing, I have been married for over 15 years, I feel at this point my wife has fallen out of love with me, because of the following;

sex life seems to occur as a matter of convenience as opposed to true love for instance she turns her head when I attempt to kiss her, she does absolutely nothing in terms of foreplay to me, she has never performed oral sex ever, the only position is missionary, she refuses to be on top, and generally gets upset if I rush foreplay on her. I did attempt to simply stop, and a result it did not bother her at all. Now this is a complete 180 degree turn from what our sex life used to be like, aside from the lack of oral sex she would attempt other positions, additionally she never opens he eyes during sex. 

we have attempted marriage counseling and she never seems to recall our sex life like this to the therapist in fact we were asked to keep a journal, and will even go to the extent of lying to the therapist, that we must have forgot a few dates in the journal, absolutely nothing has changed since seeing the therapist. 

2) over the past 2 year she seems to have reverted to the mentality of a 12 year old with no cares or addressing of adult matters, she would rather sit and watch jerry springer shows with our 14 year old daughter all day or play games. They are literally inseparable which normally would be fun, but even our therapists agrees that its reckless, food for thought, my stepson (her son from another marriage) is now incarcerated as a result of the same mode of parenting, and of course the authorities are the ones wrong according to her.

3) she is very flirty towards other men, for instance we were at a party and one of our mutual friends decided to use "the facilities" outside due to the bathroom being occupied, yes I know not very etiquette, in any event right in front of me she blurts out and states to him, " what are you embarrassed turn this way an show us what you got"


where do I go from here?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

well, first try a new mouthwash.

Then ask her why she wont even kiss you.

THEN do the heavy lifting about negotiating married big-girl boundaries.

As far as the rude comment...is it in her character to be rude and boisterous, or did she used to be more reserved. Watching jerry springer will engender that sort of teasing/crass comment to just blurt out! LOL. It does NOT necessarily mean she is hitting on the guy. It DOES mean you should avoid taking her to dinner at your boss' house though.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

Why don't you just tell her what you are thinking, just as you told us here in this post? Seriously, after 15 years you can talk about those things, you know each other willing enough. If she is casual enough to tell a guy it's OK to pee in front of her, she should be comfortable enough to talk straight with you. Your problems are communication related more than anything else. 

Force yourself to communicate with her. It seems like you have a bit of difficulty doing that. Don't let it go because otherwise it will just get worse. I speak from experience.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"we have attempted marriage counseling and she never seems to recall our sex life like this to the therapist in fact we were asked to keep a journal, and will even go to the extent of lying to the therapist"

I stopped there. The fact she is lying to the therapist shows she knows she is not being a good wife. 

There is no innocent ignorance here. There is no past trauma I take it. No abuse on your part?

Willful indifference and flagrant disregard.


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## Welcometomylife (Aug 10, 2014)

Thanks for the quick comments, I have spoken to her about these things on numerous occasions with no resolution and I can assure everyone I have made myself very clear, I petty much pay all the bills, she feels as though buying ice cream and taking the kids to the movies daily precedes these things. As mentioned before I am a great communicator, when the other party is listening, it appears as tough she just wants to have fun.... and at this point I am drained emotionally,physically and financially. 
She I in her early forties and still wants to drive around blasting 90s rap songs with the turned up. And when I ask her to turn it down she turns it up louder. She had her car lowered for some apparent reason, and these things drive me crazy. by the way this has all started within the last 2 years.

Is Divorce Inevitable?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Why did her previous marriage break up? Have you spoken to her ex-husband to compare notes on her previous marriage breakup?


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

Welcometomylife said:


> Is Divorce Inevitable?


On your present course, probably.

You sound very bitter.

It sounds like she wants to have fun and regards you as a killjoy.

Have you asked her directly what's wrong? What would she say is the problem with your marriage? With you?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

"we have attempted marriage counseling and she never seems to recall our sex life like this to the therapist in fact we were asked to keep a journal, and will even go to the extent of lying to the therapist"

slow down tex. She may be telling the therapist exactly what she remembers! An LD person does not think of sex all that much, and once a week sex for them means "sex all the time". The same once a week sex for you means "hardly ever". 

She may not be "lying", just has distorted view of reality.


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## Welcometomylife (Aug 10, 2014)

ladymisato said:


> On your present course, probably.
> 
> You sound very bitter.
> 
> ...


I did Indeed speak to her previous husband sometime back and appears as though he left her for a multitude of reasons, one of the reasons being that he felt she may of been having a relationship with her boss, as well as her being just an all-around slob, additionally it wasn't a whole lot of trust according to him he moved on with his life very quickly I have also spoken to several other relationship she was involved with as we live in a fairly close knit town and each person pretty much said the same exact story as the first marriage. I suppose looking back I wish I was more aware of this prior to going to distance and I have but what's done is done.

My concern is being in my early 40s do I waste my life away being un happy Or simply move on with life and see what's out there, East type of relationships are tough as you feel as though you've been brainwashed at times


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## Welcometomylife (Aug 10, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> "we have attempted marriage counseling and she never seems to recall our sex life like this to the therapist in fact we were asked to keep a journal, and will even go to the extent of lying to the therapist"
> 
> slow down tex. She may be telling the therapist exactly what she remembers! An LD person does not think of sex all that much, and once a week sex for them means "sex all the time". The same once a week sex for you means "hardly ever".
> 
> She may not be "lying", just has distorted view of reality.


I definitely here you, I probably should've been a little more clear The once a week is on a good month there are times it could go longer than 3 weeks. But the reality is that when we go out to a bar or a social gathering she has no lack of affection for other Male people around to the point where it gets uncomfortable. Yes I have talked to her about it numerous times upon deaf ears. I truly am at a loss I just don't know what the solution is obviously my better half tells me this is not normal behavior but again as I've mentioned before when you feel like you've been brainwashed it's hard to tell what is acceptable and what is not.


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## Welcometomylife (Aug 10, 2014)

ladymisato said:


> On your present course, probably.
> 
> You sound very bitter.
> 
> ...


I wouldn't say I am bitter however I would say you are probably right I am viewed as a killjoy cbecause I know that bills come due once a month and there are things that you have to maintain as an adult. I've also been raised With the mentality that the child's best friend is not necessarily the best approach to parenting so although it's good to be friends with your child that should not be your main priority and this is where we differ in our views tremendously. 

I have asked her what is wrong numerous times and the response I get each time is that I should be more of a father to the children a.k.a. friend, however the disciplinary measures she's been doing has already gotten her son incarcerated for six months. So with that being said obviously that probably is not the best approach to parenting. 

I have sat down and discussed all these things with her, generally when I stay to her that it's her bill needs to be paid or there's going to be serious consequences it turns into tears and a frantic I don't know what to do reply.


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## lovelost2soon (Aug 9, 2014)

Do you think she lost interest in you because she could possibly be having an affair or another love interest? Usually change in personality, sex drive, attitude are all signs an affair is there.


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

Welcometomylife said:


> I wouldn't say I am bitter however I would say you are probably right I am viewed as a killjoy cbecause I know that bills come due once a month and there are things that you have to maintain as an adult. I've also been raised With the mentality that the child's best friend is not necessarily the best approach to parenting so although it's good to be friends with your child that should not be your main priority and this is where we differ in our views tremendously.
> 
> I have asked her what is wrong numerous times and the response I get each time is that I should be more of a father to the children a.k.a. friend, however the disciplinary measures she's been doing has already gotten her son incarcerated for six months. So with that being said obviously that probably is not the best approach to parenting.
> 
> I have sat down and discussed all these things with her, generally when I stay to her that it's her bill needs to be paid or there's going to be serious consequences it turns into tears and a frantic I don't know what to do reply.


Other than the killjoy thing, I'm not getting a real clear picture of what's wrong. It might be, as you said earlier, that this is just her pattern. Obviously rubbing her nose in bills isn't helping, what about just taking on that responsibility alone? Is she a spendthrift or just not as bill conscious as you?

What have you done lately that is fun for her? Is she seeking some excitement in life that you are not providing?


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## Welcometomylife (Aug 10, 2014)

I have potentially thought an affair was a possibility however she has no unaccounted time with exception of 25 minute bathroom trips every hour or so, and that did make me think something odd could be occurring as it just all of a sudden happened and she is not one to use the bathroom that much, that's been occurring for quite for over a month, aside from keeping her cell phone on lock down mode and her laptop locked all the time. Realistically these have all made me go hmmm...... But I'm not one to jump to conclusions, as far as doing things fun, we go to amusement parks, concerts, get togethers, vacations, and that sort of thing so I'm not sure how much more fun we could really do without being irresponsible.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Welcometomylife said:


> I definitely here you, I probably should've been a little more clear The once a week is on a good month there are times it could go longer than 3 weeks. But the reality is that when we go out to a bar or a social gathering she has no lack of affection for other Male people around to the point where it gets uncomfortable. Yes I have talked to her about it numerous times upon deaf ears. I truly am at a loss I just don't know what the solution is obviously my better half tells me this is not normal behavior but again as I've mentioned before when you feel like you've been brainwashed it's hard to tell what is acceptable and what is not.


yo, it is pretty normal. They do this when they think theyre cool snd yout unaware. So shes havong fun and of course you just cant unferstand. She doesnt respect you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Welcometomylife said:


> we have attempted marriage counseling and she never seems to recall our sex life like this to the therapist in fact we were asked to keep a journal, and will even go to the extent of lying to the therapist, that we must have forgot a few dates in the journal, absolutely nothing has changed since seeing the therapist.


Nothing has changed since seeing the therapist, since the you and your wife aren't taking it seriously. You need to nip that "lying" in the bud. If you wife thinks you missed a few dates, then write down everywhere you two went every day, no exceptions. 

Lying to the therapist is counterproductive, not to mention a waste of your money. It's just like lying to a doctor about your symptoms. The therapist can't help you if she doesn't get the correct information.


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## lovelost2soon (Aug 9, 2014)

Welcometomylife said:


> I have potentially thought an affair was a possibility however she has no unaccounted time with exception of 25 minute bathroom trips every hour or so, and that did make me think something odd could be occurring as it just all of a sudden happened and she is not one to use the bathroom that much, that's been occurring for quite for over a month, aside from keeping her cell phone on lock down mode and her laptop locked all the time. Realistically these have all made me go hmmm...... But I'm not one to jump to conclusions, as far as doing things fun, we go to amusement parks, concerts, get togethers, vacations, and that sort of thing so I'm not sure how much more fun we could really do without being irresponsible.


Well those are red flags. Could she be texting in the bathroom? Does she bring her phone with her? Why have the phone and laptop locked? What is there to hide? If you both have your own laptop I would tell her that yours is acting up and you need to borrow hers to look something up. Then check her history. You will get your answer by her reaction if she is adamant about you not using hers.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Anything could happen in the bathroom for 25 min. Female issues, stomach ache and need to not leave the potty. Nausea, stomach upsets, fixing make up or unrulely hair, waiting in line forever for a stall to open up only to find it has no TP and ya get to wait some more. 25 min is a little long, but unfortunate events often happen in the bathroom. There is usually a good reason for a 25 min visit, and not one ya wanna talk about at the dinner table. 

You never did answer if she has a history of abuse. I do and that sounds like a lot of the things I used to do. Closing my eyes during sex, not kissing, not wanting to be touched, lack of fore play. Juat curious.


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## brendanoco (Aug 6, 2014)

Welcometomylife said:


> I have potentially thought an affair was a possibility however she has no unaccounted time *with exception of 25 minute bathroom trips every hour or so*, and that did make me think something odd could be occurring as it just all of a sudden happened and she is not one to use the bathroom that much, that's been occurring for quite for over a month, *aside from keeping her cell phone on lock down mode and her laptop locked all the time*. Realistically these have all made me go hmmm...... But I'm not one to jump to conclusions, as far as doing things fun, we go to amusement parks, concerts, get togethers, vacations, and that sort of thing so I'm not sure how much more fun we could really do without being irresponsible.


Of course she does not want to kiss you or have sex with you she is being loyal to her OM.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I don't know how you are still existing like that. You don't sound crazy, you sound like you've completely given up on having a half decent marriage and raising a half decent kid.

As far as the laptop and phone, if they can't be left anywhere, anytime around the house, unlocked and accessible, then someone is doing something they shouldn't be doing, and they know it.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

Welcometomylife said:


> I have potentially thought an affair was a possibility however *she has no unaccounted time with exception of 25 minute bathroom trips every hour or so*, and that did make me think something odd could be occurring as it just all of a sudden happened and she is not one to use the bathroom that much, that's been occurring for quite for over a month, aside from *keeping her cell phone on lock down mode and her laptop locked all the time*. Realistically these have all made me go hmmm...... But I'm not one to jump to conclusions, as far as doing things fun, we go to amusement parks, concerts, get togethers, vacations, and that sort of thing so I'm not sure how much more fun we could really do without being irresponsible.


Unless your wife has some kind of bladder or bowel problem, 25 minutes in the bathroom every hour or so does seem a bit excessive.

As for keeping her cell phone and laptop locked down, one of my favorite thoughts is "people with nothing to hide hide nothing". That's an oversimplification of life but you get the idea. Not saying it's necessarily an affair, you know you're wife better than we do, but I would definitely follow up on the bolded.

For the rest, your wife just doesn't seem into you or your marriage. Completely disengaged during sex, doesn't care enough to even try at therapy (along with gaslighting you and the therapist), etc.

However, I also wonder at your going around town and following up on her previous relationships, including her ex-H? You make it sound as if it's more than a few. That seems a bit...odd to me that you would track all those people down to get the word on your wife. Idk why I think that, but it seems strange to me.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

First thing to do now is checke there phone bill. Locked phone and computer is totally wrong. Constant 25 minute trips to the bathroom is ridiculous.

We hear "they don't have time to cheat" constantly and it turns out to be totally wrong.

She's a stay at home mom? Where is she when daughter is in school?

Also she could be having an online affair.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I could only speculate as to what got you two to this point. But I wonder - was she the 'good time girl' when you met? Were you drawn to the excitement of a woman who blasts the music, gets flirty and rowdy but now you want a proper wife?

What were YOU like when you met? Did you play along with this YOLO approach and then had to get real and be responsible? 

Curious as to the dynamics and if you were drawn to the way she was and went along with it initially and then you changed. If she raised her son in a similar manner it seems she wasn't the one to change. Wild girls are fun in the sack but when it's time to get serious, they often bail. 

If she wasn't like this before, then I suspect the change in her could be a mid-life crisis. I hate the term but bottom line she sees life passing by, she's missing the fun, she wants to live it up and you're just an old fuddy duddy and she's either flirting with or having an EA with a guy or maybe sexting (hence the long times in the bathroom) and maybe has gone to a full PA or not since you think you know where she is every minute. She feels young and attractive when men look at her so she's flirting to get that reassurance that she still has it.

But regardless as to why she is this, it is obvious she views you as a killjoy and is seeking excitement elsewhere. Potentially reverting to her younger years and is envious of her teen daughter so is trying to become one of them. 

I agree with borrow her laptop or her phone... let your phone die - ask to use hers - look at the texts and photos to see if she's sending naughty pics. See if she has installed snap chat on her phone.

The fact she doesn't want to kiss you and is very limited sexually pretty much shows she has emotionally checked out of your marriage. I think if you want your marriage to work, you're going to have to ease up on her and show her a good time to rekindle whatever spark you two had. Maybe you're TOO responsible. You may need to dig deep and show her your bad boy side. Take charge in the bedroom as well.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

lovelost2soon said:


> Do you think she lost interest in you because she could possibly be having an affair or another love interest? Usually change in personality, sex drive, attitude are all signs an affair is there.


Lovelost is new and she sees it!

Winner. The only red flag i didnt see was dressing hotter.

Top link in my signature. Everything you need step by step. Steel yourself. Its gonna be ugly.

Oh and DO not ask her or confront her without damning proof. Early confronts are disasters.


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## cuchulain36 (Jul 8, 2014)

What do you look like and what does your wife look like?


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