# Advice for mom with teenage daughter



## Shiva9800

So to begin with, I have two daughters from a previous LTR. They are 16 and 18. Her dad and I separated then I got married. Both of my daughters have been home schooled since early elementary school which meant not having many friends. 

The issue I seem to be having is with the 16 year old. Her boyfriend is 18 and just graduated high school this past June. Since summer break started for my daughter, these two think that they need to be together 24/7 with the exception of going home to sleep. What this has turned in to though is the boyfriend being at our house every single day from at least 2-3 pm until curfew which is 11 pm for the summer. While I don't have a problem with "visitors", I have had some issues with him being here so much. He doesn't cause any trouble while he's here and is respectful of our rules however he's eating us out of house and home and he makes a disaster of my daughters usually clean room.
It's also been very annoying to my husband because he says the boyfriend is here entirely too much. I've talked to my daughter about it, set a few different rules but then we go back to him being here every day again.
Her reason is that she has no friends, no one else to hang out with, and because of being home schooled she's spent most of her childhood and teenage years with just parents and her sister. I can understand that completely. 
She's just gotten old enough to begin applying for jobs and I think there's hope in making friends there. We do live in a fairly small town though and jobs for teenagers aren't the easiest to come by. 

My question to you guys is, how do you handle this with your teenagers? What do you allow as far as boyfriends go? And are any of you in a similar situation with a home schooled child that doesn't have any friends and wants to spend all of their free time with a boyfriend/girlfriend?
I'm reaching out hoping to get some different ideas and opinions to help the situation between me and my daughter as well as helping between me and my husband. 
Thanks in advance!


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## Hope1964

Well, I don't know how much help I'll be, but I did have a teenaged daughter who was homeschooled from grade nine onwards. Getting a job was great - she did make a lot of friends that way. She had two older brothers, which meant that I'd developed a pretty laid back attitude about stuff by the time she was a teen . When my kids turned 16 was pretty much when I started backing away from making a bunch of rules for curfews, friends, even attending school. Reason being that I quit school and moved 2500 km away from home at 16, so the way I figured it was that if I hadn't taught them pretty much everything they needed to get by at 16, I'd not done my job and I'd know in short order whether they could handle themselves. And they did.

So once they turned 16 they could have boy/girl friends overnight if they wanted. I armed them with condoms, gave them the lecture and told them that as long as I couldn't hear what they were doing I didn't care. I also didn't freak over alcohol or drug use (the drinking age here is 18). They all tried pot and were fairly open with me about it, although at 15 I did have a bit of a to-do with one sons friend over selling pot to him. Anyway, I tell you this just to give you my perspective.

I did put my foot down as far as their friends eating our food. I did not allow them to eat whatever they wanted, but I did buy cheap stuff like hot dogs and make sure they knew to eat that if they had to eat something. For the most part, they had to order pizza or something if they wanted food. My kids actually ordered a lot of pizza themselves too.

Our basement was kind of the 'hang out' centre. It wasn't developed or anything, and I rarely went down there, so they pretty much could do what they wanted. They did have to clean it once in a while. But it was the kid area.

All of that probably doesn't help you much though


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## Starstarfish

Why is an 18 year old man who graduated not working so he can be at your house hanging out all the time?

Also, why isn't the 16 year old working this summer?


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## sokillme

Make sure she is on the pill.


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## NextTimeAround

Have a word with his parents. 

If he's over that often, you should know who his family is.


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## brooklynAnn

I would highly advocate them not spending time in her room. Thats my rule, no friends in their bedroom. Except my DD bestfriend, her mum and I are good friends. We set up our basement for the kids, so they can have friends over and it's their place. 

Make sure she gets on the pill. I took my DD to the doc. the week after finishing highschool. Talk to her about sex.

Maybe he can come around 2xs a week instead of all week. Even with the kids downstairs it drives me nuts to have alot of people over. It's expensive and they are always hungry.

Address your concerns with your DD and dont let her guilt you into anything to get her way.


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## Cynthia

This sounds like an extremely unhealthy situation to me. Your daughter sounds lonely. She needs friends and activities to get her out of the house. 

I homeschooled my three kids all the way through high school, until I send them to the community college. So three years of homeschool high school and two years of community college.

Your daughter is putting all her eggs in one basket. She is seeing a young man who should be looking for a job rather than sitting around on your couch all day long and eating you out of house and home. Not good.

It sounds like the main problem is that your daughter doesn't see that she has any other options to resolve her loneliness. See to it that you do something about that. Talk to her and come up with some solutions. It's not rocket science.


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## turnera

I just flat out gave them a time limit of two hours a day. And when that time was up, I was in the living room, shooing the guy out the door. She didn't like it? Tough. I'm the mom. 

I also made my DD get a job as well as chores and limited electronics during the summer to three hours a day. The only thing she was allowed to do with no limitations was read books or do other hobbies. I raised her with the one main rule that I was the adult, she was the child, and my rules would be followed or she'd get the consequences of not following those rules. And I said that matter of factly, like it was what every kid dealt with, so she never really saw any reason to try to weasel out of it. Of course, she was always welcome to try to get special dispensation over other things she wanted, if her reasoning was good enough.

In your case, I agree she most definitely needs to be on the pill or a shot, he should NOT be in her bedroom and absolutely not in her bedroom with the door closed. Ever. And since she's been home schooled, you need to put some effort into finding her another outlet - dance class, martial arts training, soccer, whatever. She needs an outlet to make more friends and feel less like an outsider so that he's not her only outlet.


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## Hope1964

sokillme said:


> Make sure she is on the pill.


I totally disagree with this. The pill wreaks havoc with a womans body. I would NEVER force someone to be on it. EVER. There are far, far better options out there. Besides, she's 16. It's HER body - who am I, or ANY mom, to be telling her to do something like this? Far better to educate her and let her make her own choices. Just make sure you're very clear about what happens if she ends up pregnant (ie that you won't be raising your grandkid)

My daughter had this book - it was excellent










https://www.amazon.ca/Cycle-Savvy-S...=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1469139142&sr=1-4


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## sokillme

Hope1964 said:


> I totally disagree with this. The pill wreaks havoc with a womans body. I would NEVER force someone to be on it. EVER. There are far, far better options out there. Besides, she's 16. It's HER body - who am I, or ANY mom, to be telling her to do something like this? Far better to educate her and let her make her own choices. Just make sure you're very clear about what happens if she ends up pregnant (ie that you won't be raising your grandkid)
> 
> My daughter had this book - it was excellent
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> https://www.amazon.ca/Cycle-Savvy-S...=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1469139142&sr=1-4


If not the pill some form of birth control. 16 year olds are stupid their brain isn't fully developed. Getting pregnant at 16 will change your life for the worse no matter what.


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## sapientia

Get her on the pill. Don't fight biology. As for the rest, I'd rather them be at my home than somewhere else I know nothing about. It's just food--feed him willingly. Don't make him feel unwelcome or you'll be wondering where your daughter is at instead of knowing. Encourage him to talk about what he's doing for a job or college.

Don't worry about the time there so long as everyone is respectful and following the rules. A few months at best, they will have broken up. Young relationships like this are boom and bust. You can't control, only guide these things.


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## john117

A 16 year old has no business being alone with her boyfriend for this long or this often. Grow some, well, testicular strength and put an end to this.

If she doesn't learn self control and time management now she will learn it when? At work or in college?


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## Hope1964

Good lord, I had parents like you guys which is exactly why I left home at 16. "16 year olds are stupid their brain isn't fully developed" Their brains aren't fully developed, but stupid?? Really?

Of course she should be on birth control. But if you're going to put her on birth control, why are you then telling her she can't be alone with her boyfriend?? Do you not see the hypocrisy?? TRUST HER. Kids who are given trust really DO try to fulfill that trust. Let HER decide what form of birth control. EDUCATE her.

16 year olds deserve to be treated with respect, not like two year olds.

If she doesn't already know self control and time management then whoever raised her failed.


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## dubsey

Just something to consider - there could be a very good reason why he's at your house all the time. His home might be toxic. I was the child of a pretty severe alcoholic. I was NEVER at home.


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## Maricha75

Hope, the birth control is because teenagers don't listen. I know I didn't at that age. You can have it available and have that talk about it, and still say "no going into your bedroom alone". Boys were not allowed in our room alone with us. And we still managed to have sex. I do agree that they need to have a talk about how much time the boyfriend is spending at their house, and why. AND that he should not be eating all their food.

dubsey, while that *could* be what's going on, it could be equally likely that he may say it is, but it really isn't. My own nephew is one who claims things are so horrible and he spends so much time with his gf and her mom. He has an entitled mentality and his parents told him "no more". He moved out of his mom's house (my sister) and into his dad's for awhile. His dad believed him when he said that his mom was the problem. His dad soon learned, firsthand, that was not true, and told him he needs to move. My sister is willing to let him move back... IF he follows rules, which would be written out AND signed by all parties involved. There is a LOT going on there, though. Not relevant to this thread, except to say that even if the bf SAYS things are toxic, it isn't always true... or it is toxic because of HIS actions. So consider that, too.

Anyway, OP, talk to your daughter and her boyfriend. Honestly, if he is 18, he should be working. And if he is working, he can help with food if he is going to be there that much. As for your daughter and working... ugh. Good luck. I FINALLY got my first real job at 17... the DAY I turned 17 was my first day on the job lol. And, yes, I started looking, trying to work, when I was 16. Like you, I lived in a small town, and it was tough getting a job.

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## nirvana

I have a very different view from most folks here.

My kid is still in her single digits, but at 16 I don't plan on putting her on birth control. I want to raise her to focus first on studies and establishing a career and not start having sex at 16. I know, some laugh at this. I feel that parents giving condoms to kids at that age are encouraging them to go and have sex and is an indirect approval. No boyfriends in the house at all.


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## dubsey

Maricha75 said:


> dubsey, while that *could* be what's going on, it could be equally likely that he may say it is, but it really isn't. My own nephew is one who claims things are so horrible and he spends so much time with his gf and her mom. He has an entitled mentality and his parents told him "no more". He moved out of his mom's house (my sister) and into his dad's for awhile. His dad believed him when he said that his mom was the problem. His dad soon learned, firsthand, that was not true, and told him he needs to move. My sister is willing to let him move back... IF he follows rules, which would be written out AND signed by all parties involved. There is a LOT going on there, though. Not relevant to this thread, except to say that even if the bf SAYS things are toxic, it isn't always true... or it is toxic because of HIS actions. So consider that, too.


I didn't say he may not be a/the cause. There could be many reasons why. 

All I said is that it could be toxic, and that might be why he's never at his home, and to consider their home may be a really happy place for him.

and yeah, they should speak with him about it - no disagreement there.


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## turnera

nirvana said:


> I have a very different view from most folks here.
> 
> My kid is still in her single digits, but at 16 I don't plan on putting her on birth control. I want to raise her to focus first on studies and establishing a career and not start having sex at 16. I know, some laugh at this. I feel that parents giving condoms to kids at that age are encouraging them to go and have sex and is an indirect approval. No boyfriends in the house at all.


I'm reading a book right now by Faye Kellerman, called Gun Games. It involves a 15 year old genius boy, who's a piano prodigy. He meets a 14 year old Persian Jewish girl. They instantly fall in love. It's a murder mystery kind of book. But I find it very compelling in terms of what a VERY smart 15 year old boy and a VERY naive Persian (strict family) girl will do, once they are convinced they are in love.

I think it would do you good to read it. Now, before your child reaches this age and does things you will be shocked to learn about. Two very nice kids, who do things YOU think they shouldn't be doing, but they do anyway.

You are being VERY naive yourself to think your kids will not be having sex as teenagers. 

Worse, you will ruin your daughter's life by not preparing her to NOT GET PREGNANT and forever change the path of her life.


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## Maricha75

Ehhh I do have to agree, in part, with @nirvana. While I will likely have condoms available in the house, I WILL be speaking with them about waiting. And, while *most* have sex as teens, not *all* do. Some actually do wait until they marry, and they have wonderful marriages, too. And when I say they wait, I mean they wait until *any* sex act. While it is a minority, it still does happen.

Currently, I have had discussions with my youngest boy and my daughter (8 & 9) about not going off alone with others. As they get older, we will be explaining more thoroughly. My oldest, at 15, clams up at even the mention of the word "sex". I have no clue what that's about. I mean, he *literally* will *not* even say that word. He views it as a bad word to say. And, no, there is no sexual trauma of any kind. He has been this way about this since he was little.

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## turnera

Well, of course you speak to them about it. Of course you tell them they had better not do it, and here's why (list all the reasons). Of course you monitor them closely. But the kids whose parents just tell them not to have sex and then think that's all they have to do are the ones who'll be surprising their parents with an oops baby because their parents thought their kids wouldn't have sex just because they said not to. 

I'm just saying to be realistic. Nearly every one of DD25's friends, down here in Baptist country - most of whom had the parents who wouldn't discuss birth control - ended up with babies and had their life plans cut short and rerouted, or had secret abortions. And only one of them is still with the baby daddy.


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## NextTimeAround

turnera said:


> Well, of course you speak to them about it. Of course you tell them they had better not do it, and here's why (list all the reasons). Of course you monitor them closely. But the kids whose parents just tell them not to have sex and then think that's all they have to do are the ones who'll be surprising their parents with an oops baby because their parents thought their kids wouldn't have sex just because they said not to.
> 
> I'm just saying to be realistic. Nearly every one of DD25's friends, down here in Baptist country - most of whom had the parents who wouldn't discuss birth control - ended up with babies and had their life plans cut short and rerouted, or had secret abortions. And only one of them is still with the baby daddy.



OP, you may also want to contemplate the fates that your grandchildren may face when they are brought into the world at inconvenient times:

Woman who trafficked daughter for heroin sentenced to 51 years to life

"The girl's grandparents told the judge they hoped for justice for their granddaughter and that others would be protected from Corcoran. The girl's grandmother spoke quietly in court.

"I saw my granddaughter. I heard her small voice," Sylvia Corcoran said. "It was horrific. How could she (Corcoran) do this? I don't know if my granddaughter is going to be able to have a normal life.""


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## NoChoice

OP,
You are the parent which places certain responsibilities on you. You can choose to accept them or shirk them. Children are not capable of fully extrapolating and projecting consequences which is exactly why your job as parent exists. There are legitimate reasons why children are not allowed to vote, own firearms, drink, etc., etc.. Do you find it curious that most deem those restrictions prudent but yet feel that the child is prepared and ready to deal with the nuances and consequences of being sexually active? This is absurd.

Is it any wonder that many women are so sexually immature. Think about it. A little girl, which is what they are at 16, feels compelled to give herself to some hormone crazed boy whose only interest is satisfying this primal urge to inseminate a female. Once done he loses interest and goes to the next conquest. The girl wonders why, was it her, was she not good enough, was she just an receptacle for him? How could any parent want this for their daughter? And what view does this process form in the developing mind of the child that they will carry into adulthood or, more accurately, prevent them from fully reaching adulthood thereby being forced to go through life with this skewed perception of relationship dynamics.

As to making birth control available, what in your wildest dreams makes someone think that even though the child is clearly not ready to assume the responsibilities of sexual activity that they are always going yo be responsible enough to use prophylactics? This is delusional. They are not responsible enough to keep their room clean but they can be fully trusted to, in the heat of a hormone driven moment, stop and apply a condom? Fascinating.

If you truly want to be a parent then you must act like one. If you want to be their best friend then buy them drugs and alcohol, provide them a safe haven and allow them to "do whatever they want", perhaps even join in if you like. However, do not expect them to grow into responsible adults. In our country this has become the norm, just open your eyes and really see the results it is having on our society.


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## arbitrator

*The young man needs to know that while he is welcome, there are a few house rules that must be adhered to: 

1. No more than 2 hour stints at your abode, keeping in mind that unless asked to stay over for meals, he is to leave at your appointed meal times, and at your bed time! If she goes out on dates with him execute a strict 11PM curfew!

2. All rooms in your house are off-limits except your living room and guest bath! And with the latter, only he can be in there alone! In regard to the living room, place a visible or a hidden camera in there and habitually monitor the thing!

3. No presence of cigs, drugs, pot, booze, or beer!

4. Your kitchen/dining area is strictly off limits to him! If he needs food/libations, he can pack them over! 

5. He doesn't have a job, you say? Introduce him to the joys of lawn work, edging, pruning, scrubbing, painting, power-washing your sidewalks/driveways.

6. No bathing, washing, or sleepover privileges!

7. His Parents need to be brought over and duly informed of what's going on!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117

There's a reason my house has a pretty good and pretty well hidden security DVR system for public spaces and outside entrances. Gives me an insurance break too.


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## NextTimeAround

Here's another article about moms using their kids to fund their drug habits.

I bet all the moms mentioned were teens when their child was born:

Ohio Mom Let Drug Dealer Repeatedly Rape Child In Exchange For Heroin


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## larry.gray

Hope1964 said:


> I totally disagree with this. The pill wreaks havoc with a womans body. I would NEVER force someone to be on it. EVER. There are far, far better options out there. Besides, she's 16. It's HER body - who am I, or ANY mom, to be telling her to do something like this? Far better to educate her and let her make her own choices.


I agree on the let them make choices part. I told both daughters they get to choose on the HPV vaccine and on BC. The eldest chose not to get the HPV vaccine, #2 did. The eldest chose to go on deppo. 
The only thing I'd discourage is an IUD for a woman who's never had a kid. I'm not totally convinced that there is not a risk of later miscarriage. They're great for women who've had kids and are not sure if they're done.



> Just make sure you're very clear about what happens if she ends up pregnant (ie that you won't be raising your grandkid)


There is what I'd tell them and what I'd do. I wouldn't ever want my grandkid raised in foster care.


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## larry.gray

arbitrator said:


> 2. All rooms in your house are off-limits except your living room and guest bath! And with the latter, only he can be in there alone!* In regard to the living room, place a visible or a hidden camera in there and habitually monitor the thing!*


Hell no. That's one video I *DON'T* want to see.


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## arbitrator

larry.gray said:


> Hell no. That's one video I *DON'T* want to see.


*Oh, Larry ~ I would!

If the film footage indeed did come to bear out any impropriety, then that's exactly when that young man would come to learn that the semantics of being a man; finding out that getting his a$$ kicked by an irate teenage girls father is just a preeminent part of that process!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator

NextTimeAround said:


> Here's another article about moms using their kids to fund their drug habits.
> 
> I bet all the moms mentioned were teens when their child was born:
> 
> Ohio Mom Let Drug Dealer Repeatedly Rape Child In Exchange For Heroin


*This article makes one truly wonder just how low one can go!

Anyone who would do that to a child, much less an adult, ought to be fastly incarcerated with no hope of parole ever!

And I'm not even talking about the drug dealer!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround

arbitrator said:


> *This article makes one truly wonder just how low one can go!
> 
> Anyone who would do that to a child, much less an adult, ought to be fastly incarcerated with no hope of parole ever!
> 
> And I'm not even talking about the drug dealer!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Incarcerated? I think incinerated would be more appropriate.


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## brooklynAnn

nirvana said:


> I have a very different view from most folks here.
> 
> My kid is still in her single digits, but at 16 I don't plan on putting her on birth control. I want to raise her to focus first on studies and establishing a career and not start having sex at 16. I know, some laugh at this. I feel that parents giving condoms to kids at that age are encouraging them to go and have sex and is an indirect approval. No boyfriends in the house at all.


I am in agreement with you. We are raising our kids with the understanding that their only job at this time is going to school and getting their education. So far, that has worked. Boy is 17 and girl is 19. They both decided they were going to wait after 18 or high school to have sex. We talk about sex alot in my home. It's not taboo and we have been doing it since they were little and had questions.

Our DD 19 is now is college. The summer after high school was finished I took her to the doctor and asked for her to be put on the pills. She and I had a long discussion about this. She understood where I was coming from and she understood the need for it. She was leaving home and things happen. I dont want her to be unprepared and I dont want her to be unprotected. 

So far she has decided not to get involved with anyone, because she feels that getting involved will be too time consuming and she does not have the time. When she falls in love it will be another story. So educating her and getting her protection is in her best interest. I think every parent should prepare their children for this. Because things happen and they get pregant.


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## sapientia

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> You are the parent which places certain responsibilities on you. You can choose to accept them or shirk them. Children are not capable of fully extrapolating and projecting consequences which is exactly why your job as parent exists. There are legitimate reasons why children are not allowed to vote, own firearms, drink, etc., etc.. Do you find it curious that most deem those restrictions prudent but yet feel that the child is prepared and ready to deal with the nuances and consequences of being sexually active? This is absurd.
> 
> Is it any wonder that many women are so sexually immature. Think about it. A little girl, which is what they are at 16, feels compelled to give herself to some hormone crazed boy whose only interest is satisfying this primal urge to inseminate a female. Once done he loses interest and goes to the next conquest. The girl wonders why, was it her, was she not good enough, was she just an receptacle for him? How could any parent want this for their daughter? And what view does this process form in the developing mind of the child that they will carry into adulthood or, more accurately, prevent them from fully reaching adulthood thereby being forced to go through life with this skewed perception of relationship dynamics.
> 
> As to making birth control available, what in your wildest dreams makes someone think that even though the child is clearly not ready to assume the responsibilities of sexual activity that they are always going yo be responsible enough to use prophylactics? This is delusional. They are not responsible enough to keep their room clean but they can be fully trusted to, in the heat of a hormone driven moment, stop and apply a condom? Fascinating.
> 
> *If you truly want to be a parent then you must act like one.* If you want to be their best friend then buy them drugs and alcohol, provide them a safe haven and allow them to "do whatever they want", perhaps even join in if you like. However, do not expect them to grow into responsible adults. In our country this has become the norm, just open your eyes and really see the results it is having on our society.


Nice essay, well written. I'm not sure what you are actually promoting as a parenting strategy.

I allow my son to drink alcohol, that I have purchased. I'm not his best friend. If we are having a delightful wine with our meal, he is welcome to share a glass, or part-glass, with us if he chooses. Typically he will decline, but if its something special he will usually want to try it. He has had small amounts of fine whiskey on trips or when we have visitors.

I'm not defending my position. I am confident in my ability as an excellent parent. My son is a fine example of a very responsible young person. I am simply wondering if you'd care to elaborate on my example, or your own, as to how this does or does not fit with your comment "acting like a parent".


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## Bobby5000

Though I understand you have very good intentions, I have to question the home-schooling dictate. It seems like she is missing out on a lot of things. I think you should talk to her about enrolling in school, being with other kids, participating in activities, getting girlfriends.


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## brooklynAnn

sapientia said:


> Nice essay, well written. I'm not sure what you are actually promoting as a parenting strategy.
> 
> I allow my son to drink alcohol, that I have purchased. I'm not his best friend. If we are having a delightful wine with our meal, he is welcome to share a glass, or part-glass, with us if he chooses. Typically he will decline, but if its something special he will usually want to try it. He has had small amounts of fine whiskey on trips or when we have visitors.
> ".


I think part of the responsibilities of being a parent with almost adult kids is teaching them their limits with regards to alcohol. My son refuse to drink or even sip anything alcoholic. That's just who he is. Maybe when he is older he will drink but at this time we try to model responsible drinking for them. That means no over drinking, no drinking and driving and no fighting/ arguing when drunk.

When we are sitting for dinner or on the holidays, my DD is welcome to have a small amount of wine or have a sip of her dad's beer. She knows that half a small glass with give her a buzz. So she is learning that is her limit. She also realize this year away, that friends would not look after you when you are a sloppy drunk, falling all over the place. 

She has told me she would not drink when she is away from home because she does not trust anyone to take care of her. Which I think is very smart.

I dont avocate giving other people kids alcohol because I would never want someone else to give my kids alcohol. I tell my kids all the time I am never going to be their friends. I am more than that. I will never worry about you liking me because I don't care if you like me. I am going to tell you the truth at all times. I am always going to have your best interest in mind. My job is to protect, teach and nurture them to become decent people.


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## sapientia

brooklynAnn said:


> I think part of the responsibilities of being a parent with almost adult kids is teaching them their limits with regards to alcohol. My son refuse to drink or even sip anything alcoholic. That's just who he is. Maybe when he is older he will drink but at this time we try to model responsible drinking for them. That means no over drinking, no drinking and driving and no fighting/ arguing when drunk.
> 
> When we are sitting for dinner or on the holidays, my DD is welcome to have a small amount of wine or have a sip of her dad's beer. She knows that half a small glass with give her a buzz. *So she is learning that is her limit. *She also realize this year away, that friends would not look after you when you are a sloppy drunk, falling all over the place.
> 
> She has told me she would not drink when she is away from home because she does not trust anyone to take care of her. Which I think is very smart.
> 
> I dont avocate giving other people kids alcohol because I would never want someone else to give my kids alcohol. I tell my kids all the time I am never going to be their friends. I am more than that. I will never worry about you liking me because I don't care if you like me. I am going to tell you the truth at all times. I am always going to have your best interest in mind. My job is to protect, teach and nurture them to become decent people.


I agree with your bolded comment that giving your kids a safe place to test limits is an important part of their development.

I am more skeptical of any young person making an absolute statement, like the ones I underlined. Even if they think they mean it now, it is highly unlikely to remain so in future. There isn't anything you can do about it, of course, as its not reasonable to force ones kids to drink alcohol or have any experience for it's own sake, but I would remain vigilant about any changes in future.


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## NobodySpecial

turnera said:


> Well, of course you speak to them about it. Of course you tell them they had better not do it, and here's why (list all the reasons). Of course you monitor them closely. But the kids whose parents just tell them not to have sex and then think that's all they have to do are the ones who'll be surprising their parents with an oops baby because their parents thought their kids wouldn't have sex just because they said not to.


My son is 15. We sent him to a program called Our Whole Lives. It was VERY comprehensive. He is now very certain he is not ready for sex, even if it was available to him. I agree with you that education is very important.



> I'm just saying to be realistic. Nearly every one of DD25's friends, down here in Baptist country - most of whom had the parents who wouldn't discuss birth control - ended up with babies and had their life plans cut short and rerouted, or had secret abortions. And only one of them is still with the baby daddy.


I totally agree with this.


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## jimrich

I am not a parent so what I have to offer comes from theory or psychology.


Shiva9800 said:


> Since summer break started for my daughter, these two think that they need to be together 24/7 with the exception of going home to sleep. What this has turned in to though is the boyfriend being at our house every single day from at least 2-3 pm until curfew which is 11 pm for the summer. While I don't have a problem with "visitors", I have had some issues with him being here so much. He doesn't cause any trouble while he's here and is respectful of our rules however he's eating us out of house and home and he makes a disaster of my daughters usually clean room.


I'll start with your daughter's room. IMO, this is all about Boundaries and Boundary setting. You and your husband need to decided exactly what you want or will tolerate, tell everyone involved about your BOUNDARIES and then make a plan to ENFORCE those Boundaries or Rules, etc. Most folks fail at the "enforcing" stage so the kids or other Offenders just don't take your Rules seriously! IT'S YOUR HOME!!!



> It's also been very annoying to my husband because he says the boyfriend is here entirely too much.


But does he ever tell the boy when to be there and when not to be there? If so, does he ever ENFORCE his policy???



> I've talked to my daughter about it, set a few different rules but then we go back to him being here every day again.


So then why would your kid or the boyfriend take you seriously? 



> My question to you guys is, how do you handle this with your teenagers?


You establish your rules of boundaries and BACK THEM UP!



> What do you allow as far as boyfriends go?


Anything you want - IT'S YOUR HOME!!!



> And are any of you in a similar situation with a home schooled child that doesn't have any friends and wants to spend all of their free time with a boyfriend/girlfriend?


Home schooled or not, kids need to understand and comply with RESPONSIBILITIES and BOUNDARIES! Home schooling needs to include lessons on accepting certain boundaries and limits in life such as not eating up all of your food, making a mess in your kid's room, coming to your home at or during such and such hours and many other normal, social standards that another kid would probably be learning at Public School. You are NOT HELPING your daughter or her boyfriend by allowing them to be in YOUR HOME without any limits or boundaries and responsibilities.


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