# What made you decide to leave?



## Loveimage (Oct 7, 2011)

What made you finally decide to leave your partner/husband?

During a fight recently my partner told me he "doesn't remember anything the counsellor said". I found this hurtful and told him that there is no point in having a relationship with someone who isn't willing to work on our problems. He then explains that he only said it because we were fighting. Why would someone antagonise you like this when they say they want to work on things. We went to a counsellor because we have been fighting a lot about him not initiating discussions to work through our problems and seeming reluctant to get married. We have been engaged since Aug 2011. I am 33 and he is 39 (neither married before).

Thanks


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Unfaithfulness and abuse!

I'm finally with the man of my dreams.


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

The straw that broke the camel's back was something for him - but I was unhappy too, and for me it was the fact that he didn't really seem to want to fully be in the relationship - he was never willing to talk through our problems. He recently confirmed this. He said, "you know, from the time we got married, I was always fighting the urge to leave." I'd say you have a big red flag on your hands.


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

I haven't left, but the driving wedge between us is me constantly feeling "used" and having my needs dead last. Talking has not helped, she can be a master at the martyr role when an argument happens, which drives me nuts. We are great friends, and parent very well together, but the issues on sex and male needs are a circular argument that we now just avoid. She is happy with the status quo, and I am learning to cope with it in my own way.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I didn't leave - he did
but I think the trigger for him was losing his job and realising he'd have to come home and tell me....again...
and I would have dealt with it as usual, but each time my respect for him was chipped away more and more

oh, and the fact that he was scouring the internet for other women of course

he said it was because he was making me miserable - and he was certainly right in that!


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

I think waiting for the straw that breaks the camel's back rarely works. There might be some extreme event (e.g. physical violence, admission to an affair) that pushes you over the edge but, most of the time, I don't think it works that way. You've got to answer the basic question of whether, once you're out, you'll be glad you left or regret it.

One trap to avoid though is undervaluing your own feelings. It's very easy to think that being sick of your partner's victimhood for example seems like far too trivial a reason to end a marriage but, if in the end, it's making you miserable all the time and she won't try to change, then it's just as valid a reason as something that, to external eyes at least, may seem far more serious.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Well, I realized I was crossing the line between wanting to have an affair and planning to have one, so obviously it was too long. But I did the right thing and waited until we were separated. No need to add an affair when I had done so much RIGHT for so long. I felt I had tried as long and as much as I could, and had felt that way for a while. For the kids's sakes, I was trying to hang in there, though. But when I found myself attracted to another and fearful of what I would do, i initiated the end of our marriage. I felt guilty enough and had stayed too long for that reason, so why add to my emotional burden? Of course, I didn't have the affair but divorce was the best thing for me and our kids at that point. '

I don't recommend waiting that long, but if you do start thinking about cheating, it is time to cut ties with BOTH men, learn to be happy as a single, divorced person, and then and only then, consider a new relationship.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Loveimage said:


> What made you finally decide to leave your partner/husband?
> 
> During a fight recently my partner told me he "doesn't remember anything the counsellor said". I found this hurtful and told him that there is no point in having a relationship with someone who isn't willing to work on our problems. He then explains that he only said it because we were fighting. Why would someone antagonise you like this when they say they want to work on things. We went to a counsellor because we have been fighting a lot about him not initiating discussions to work through our problems and seeming reluctant to get married. We have been engaged since Aug 2011. I am 33 and he is 39 (neither married before).
> 
> Thanks


I'm working on leaving. For me it's because we've been married for about two years and have had sex three times. He says he wants sex but has no interest. I realize his problems are deeper than that but he does nothing to make the needed changes so it's time for me to go. I'm 31 the clock is ticking. Also he has two kids who he has no contact with since our wedding. I've tried to understand that but can't cuz he won't talk to me about it. So basically this is not the man I married. We are now only roommates. Sometimes friends. But never lovers. It's only fair to both of us that I go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 9966 (Feb 4, 2012)

I asked him to leave just last night. I couldn't keep singing the same tune over and over any more with no results. I finally allowed myself to do what I've been thinking about for months and I finally admitted that I do not feel love for him anymore. I am extra miserable and life is way too short to live like this day after day and I deserve happiness.

For me it's been almost 3 years of living in a pressure cooker. The tension between us in the last 6 months has affected not just us, but our kids too. Our home life is a mess and I hate weekends knowing I'll have to survive 2 full days in his presence, dealing with all the things I hate that he won't change. It's like constantly having your face rubbed in sh*t! We've tried MC 3 years ago and just this year and that didn't really help. Nothing can change in the situation if people don't want to change their actions or reactions. The outcome is always the same. I'm not perfect, but I'm perfectly willing to try to change the negatives in me. H doesn't think there's anything wrong with the way he is or what he does/doesn't do.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Good for you, 9966. That's no way to live.


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## Loveimage (Oct 7, 2011)

Glad you were strong enough to make the decision and end it 9966. Life is too short to live in unhappiness. 

Thanks for all of your responses, they are great. I'm having a hard time deciding to leave my fiance. I had decided to leave 2 weeks ago and starting to pack a few boxes. Now my fiance has changed completely and talking about a wedding, children and future plans (we've been engaged for 10 months and haven't set a date) but I just don't know if I trust him to stay like this anymore. There has been numerous times over the last year that he didn't talk to me about our problems when he said he would on a certain day and he often gave me answers like "I don't know where to start", "I forgot". Eventually you feel like your feelings are not important to them. The most frustrating thing is that he continually SAYS he wants to marry me, work out our problems, doesn't want to lose me blah blah but IMO hasn't really SHOWN me this.

It really sucks when you become strong to leave and they improve. The way he is now is how someone should act if they want a life with you. It's just more of a peaceful feeling that they are IN the relationship. Unfortunately I think it's too late for him to crawl his way back in.

Good luck to anyone who is trying to decide to leave. I think the best thing is to have a short holiday on your own and get some clarity on your thoughts. Also being unhappy for a long period of time is a sign the relationship isn't meeting your needs.

Thanks


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## jtut21 (Mar 21, 2012)

Please understand that men are simple and have a difficult time communicating their feelings and emotions. Women find this task much easier and trying to force him to discuss these things is like asking him to change his nature. Some men are better at doing this than others but most all men struggle with this. Don't expect him to be really great at expressing his emotions and feelings. It is very possible that he tried to get your attention and see your commitment in a very juvenile way by saying what he did. Focus your attention upon all the good that he offers the relationship and you and then begin to compliment him on those things. Within a short time it will appear that a complete turn around has occurred in him as you do this with diligence. In regards to the delayed engagement consider why he is still 39 and never married. He has some reservations about sealing the deal. He has had a lot of time to not fully commit so it may take some work to get things completely committed. Focus on the changes you can make with yourself and it will show through in how you treat him which will only enhance the relationship and how he treats you. This will be a great way to move into a marriage. It is understandably frustrating but be patient and all is well.

To Your Happiness,

Josh


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

When she decided to get pregnant by any means....


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