# confused about my marriage



## confusedw0man (Jan 31, 2015)

Hi all, I´m new. In a bit of situation and I don´t know what to do.

Long story so I´ll try and keep it brief.

Orginally I´m from the UK, but 5 years ago I was working in Morocco where I met a wonderful Moroccon man. We fell in love but my work contract finished and I moved back to the UK. We stayed in a long distance relationship in separate countries while he finished his masters degree. 

After two years we spoke of marriage and moving to live together, but there was an issue. He wanted to marry a Muslim woman and I was an atheist. I didn´t blame him, for a marriage to work, to raise kids etc I think parents need to be on the same religious wavelength. We broke up, but I was heavily depressed and felt I couldn´t live without him, so I started reading about Islam and became convinced. For a while I did genuinely believe Islam was the right way, so I converted and we married last May.

We moved to Spain together since I didn´t want to live in his country, and getting a spouse visa to the UK takes months.

Marriage so far seems perfect. He´s a fantastic husband, cooks cleans, works, treats me well, he takes care of himself, works out. He IS a wonderful man, I can´t find any fault with him. We have so much in common, my family love him, he loves my family. I´d probably be insane to throw away such a ´´happy´´ marriage with such a good man.

Problem is lately I´ve been feeling down. I´ve come to the realisation I´m not actually a Muslim, and no matter how hard Ive tried, I can´t force myself to believe in his religon any more. If my husband found out it would destroy him. Islamically, our marriage would no longer be valid. On a practical level, the marriage woulnd´t work. How can we have kids when dad believes one thing and mum says another?

I wanted to tell him but when I see how happy he is with me, how happy we are togehter, I just can´t. I can´t take his happiness away. I love him too much.

At the same time. I´m living a lie. He doesnñt make me pray or wear hijab, in fact other than muttering some arabic now and again, I barely practice Islam at all. 

I have no problem against Islam. I just don´t believe in it.

I´ve been living this lie for some time now, don´t know why its just started to bother me now. I feel a bit depressed.

So yeah... wonderful husband. Can´t bear to destroy him. It´d destroy me too seeing him hurt. Do I just push this issue to the back of my mind and continue as nothing is happening?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sorry. If you don't tell him and possibly end it, there will be more tears later than now. You are absolutely correct about children. Bringing them into this situation would be a disaster.

Honesty is best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I think you have to tell him the truth and see how it all shakes out. Otherwise, you are living a lie for the rest of your life.

Maybe at this point, his love for you is deep enough to accept that you don't share his religious beliefs. Maybe he can come to terms with it.

But if not, better for him to find out now rather than 10 years from now when you have young children involved.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You are not confused. You know inside who you are, an atheist. I'm not a religious person, but respect the religion of other people. However, I refuse to be dragged into religious services nor please anyone, enough to convert to their religion. My mother and I were alienated from each other because she wanted me to continue as a Christian in her church. She belonged to this gloom and doom faith. I always hated to go to church when I was young. As a result of my refusal to bend to the desire of my mother, she berated me and took my accomplishments as insignificant to punish me. My father looked away, because he was afraid of her wrath. In time, my relationship with my mother mended as I got older. I accepted her as to who she was (she already passed away) and she accepted me for who I am. Today, I'm happy that I did not bend to my mother's whim and would have been miserable for many years, living a lie.

Before I married, I made sure that my husband understood where I stand on religious issues. Your situation is different in that you converted to Islam and your husband thought that you are the perfect wife because you are Muslim. You need to talk to him about who you really are. You have no children yet so your marriage issue is not complicated. You will be miserable for the rest of your life if you continue to live this lie. If he loves you, he will accept you. If he does not love you enough, he will divorce you. If you reside in a Muslim country, he is allowed to take 4 wives if he can support them. He may take another wife, a true Muslim. The decision is up to you.


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## confusedw0man (Jan 31, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> I think you have to tell him the truth and see how it all shakes out. Otherwise, you are living a lie for the rest of your life.
> 
> Maybe at this point, his love for you is deep enough to accept that you don't share his religious beliefs. Maybe he can come to terms with it.
> 
> But if not, better for him to find out now rather than 10 years from now when you have young children involved.


 The rest of my life is a long time. 

Earlier he mentioned having a baby and my heart just sank. I've been so depressed all day and he's noticed. He thinks its because I miss my family and suggested we move to the UK to be around them. He knows something is wrong.

I perked up a bit later and were messing about, being silly, laughing, joking, as normal. Now I´m laying in bed crying again.

I know what the logical, rational thing to do is but I just can´t. He gave up everything to be with me, his job, his family, he brought his life savings here which once converted to euros lost a lot of value.

I went through so much to be with him too. I lost so many friends and argued endlessly with my family who thought because he's foreign he's only after a visa to the UK and money etc and he'll force me to be a house wife and [insert Muslim stereotypes] blah blah. Obviously none of this is true since we are happy living abroad and he's very supportive of me in my career.

But I was happy ignoring this little lie inside me before.


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## confusedw0man (Jan 31, 2015)

Roselyn said:


> You are not confused. You know inside who you are, an atheist. I'm not a religious person, but respect the religion of other people. However, I refuse to be dragged into religious services nor please anyone, enough to convert to their religion. My mother and I were alienated from each other because she wanted me to continue as a Christian in her church. She belonged to this gloom and doom faith. I always hated to go to church when I was young. As a result of my refusal to bend to the desire of my mother, she berated me and took my accomplishments as insignificant to punish me. My father looked away, because he was afraid of her wrath. In time, my relationship with my mother mended as I got older. I accepted her as to who she was (she already passed away) and she accepted me for who I am. Today, I'm happy that I did not bend to my mother's whim and would have been miserable for many years, living a lie.
> 
> Before I married, I made sure that my husband understood where I stand on religious issues. Your situation is different in that you converted to Islam and your husband thought that you are the perfect wife because you are Muslim. You need to talk to him about who you really are. You have no children yet so your marriage issue is not complicated. You will be miserable for the rest of your life if you continue to live this lie. If he loves you, he will accept you. If he does not love you enough, he will divorce you. If you reside in a Muslim country, he is allowed to take 4 wives if he can support them. He may take another wife, a true Muslim. The decision is up to you.


Thanks for your insightful reply. 

I wish he would just take another wife and be happy with her. It´d make it so much easier for me.

Islamically it´s not as simple as if he loved me he´d stay. I just don´t "GET" religion at all, but hes absolutely convinced being married to an atheist is the biggest sin ever and he´ll spend all eternity in the hell fire..... I don´t doubt he loves me at all but he loves his religion too. 

I feel terrible like I´m about to ruin his life. He deserves to be happy. I can see how happy is with me. I can see it in his cute litle face when he looks at me and gives me that smile he gives me...........

He doesn´t deserve to be lied to on an issue which is so important to him either.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Honey, you have to tell him. The crying is your conscience crying out to _you._

You have to have peace. You just have to. 

Be brave. Go to him.

I do not think anyone will be anything but relieved when you share whatever fallout there is. It is really hard to make cross cultural/cross religious marriages work. They really just want a peaceful, navigable road for you.

Please go to him now. Doesn't he deserve the truth?


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Please look up the statistics on the number of Muslims who believe in the death penalty for leaving Islam.

"Support for making sharia the official law of the land tends to be higher in countries like
Pakistan (84%) and Morocco (83%)"

http://www.pewforum.org/files/2013/04/worlds-muslims-religion-politics-society-full-report.pdf

Any time a country is compared to Pakistan, you've got trouble.

Another nugget from that Pew Research study:

In most countries surveyed, majorities of
Muslim women as well as men agree that a wife is
always obliged to obey her husband. Indeed, more than nine in
ten Muslims in Iraq (92%), Morocco (92%), Tunisia (93%), Indonesia (93%), Afghanistan (94%) and Malaysia (96%)
express this view.

Just be careful. You converted to a very F'd up religion.


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## that.girl (Aug 27, 2014)

I don't think sharia law is practiced in Spain. I think she would be safe enough telling him the truth.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You loved him enough to try to be Muslim but you apparently just can't be. Don't compound the problem by living a lie and, worse, having children. Let him go.


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

There are certain things that we cannot change about us. Our values and beliefs are one of those things.

You are lucky, you found an amazing man, but at the core of yourself, you are different. It is like trying to put a square peg in a round hole. It will never work. These are things that cannot be changed.

Let him go.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

that.girl said:


> I don't think sharia law is practiced in Spain. I think she would be safe enough telling him the truth.



I'm sure you are right. But the odds (83 out of 100) are pretty good HIS opinion is that someone should be killed for leaving Islam. Just saying it could VERY well be a little more serious conversation than "you know honey, I've been doing some thinking lately..."

It's an F'd up religion whether or not you still live in one of their main F'd up countries.


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## Tentative (Oct 5, 2014)

believe it or not I have seen a Muslim/Atheist marriage with kids work. That might not help your situation much, and if bickering over beliefs is a problem for either of you then its probably going to turn into resentment and competition eventually, but if you can agree to teach your children that you both believe different things very strongly and that no one has any definite answers and everyone must make up their own mind you might stand a chance and actually score some generational points for religious tolerance. I think very often children reject their parents beliefs anyway as a part of growing up - whether you stay with your husband or not, when you do eventually have kids teach them not to punish people for believing differently than they do.


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## confusedw0man (Jan 31, 2015)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Please look up the statistics on the number of Muslims who believe in the death penalty for leaving Islam.
> 
> "Support for making sharia the official law of the land tends to be higher in countries like
> Pakistan (84%) and Morocco (83%)"
> ...


I'm not sure where you got your statistics but my husband certainly doesn't believe any of these things. I told him all the things I disagree about Islam, and I mentioned the wife obeying the husband and he seemed shocked. "Do I treat you like that, does my dad treat my mum like that, etc....!?". He treats me with nothing but respect and dignity, I dare say more so than any of my previous non-Muslim boyfriends.

For all my complaints about Islam, I knew pretty well Islam and Muslims are often two completely separate things.


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## confusedw0man (Jan 31, 2015)

Any way, I told him.

As expected, he's devastated but he was very calm. He asked my why the sudden change, etc. We talked about it for a bit. I told him the truth, being a Muslim is just not who I am, it's just not part of me. Much as I've tried, I cannot change myself.

He thinks because I believed it before, I can believe it again. I'm scared now he has false hope for the future. I hate to mislead him. 

To be honest, looking back I think I was blinded by love. I've never been religious but tried forcing myself into the role because I was young and couldn't comprehend being with any body else. Like I mentioned earlier, I believe the best way for a long and successful marriage is when both people share common values. So I tried convincing myself I can be a Muslim and all seemed fine and dandy.

For now..... he wants to stay with me and try and make things work. He told me I've put him in a very difficult position because the onus of deciding what to do with our marriage is all on him. On the one hand he wants to follow his religion (being with an atheist is not permitted), have a Muslim family which just makes it sooo much easier when it comes to having children etc. 

On the other hand he said he loves me and can't live without me.

Is it viable in the long run.... I honestly do not know, but I'm willing to give it a try.

I literally have a headache from crying!


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## confusedw0man (Jan 31, 2015)

Tentative said:


> believe it or not I have seen a Muslim/Atheist marriage with kids work. That might not help your situation much, and if bickering over beliefs is a problem for either of you then its probably going to turn into resentment and competition eventually, but if you can agree to teach your children that you both believe different things very strongly and that no one has any definite answers and everyone must make up their own mind you might stand a chance and actually score some generational points for religious tolerance. I think very often children reject their parents beliefs anyway as a part of growing up - whether you stay with your husband or not, when you do eventually have kids teach them not to punish people for believing differently than they do.


Thanks. 

I don't particularly mind if my husband wants to raise the children as Muslims... my husbands version of Islam is quite moderate... to HIM, Islam means giving to charity, praying, and not drinking alcohol. 

I'm just so confused. 

I think this is all my fault. I shouldn't have made promises I coudn't keep, especially as he made it clear what he wanted before we both agreed to take our relationship any further and get married.

Part of me wishes I had the strength to end it there and then, years ago. 

But gosh, you don't know some of the dating horror stories I had before I met him. I thought decent, caring men were rare lol.

Sorry for ranting at you all on here. I have nobody else to talk to. Don't want my friends or family to know we're having problems in our marriage


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think if he loves you, he'll find a way to work this out. You were honest and open with him, which is the best thing you could've done.

You truly have done the right thing, now, before any children came along.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

If his version of Islam is giving to charity, praying, and not drinking, which part of it do you have a problem with personally for you?

The praying part?

One could interpret that as meditation. That's what I do when I have to go to religious events with my in-laws.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

What a guy. But just wait until the grandparents find out the grandkids will be raised as heathens.

Your problems have just started.


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## confusedw0man (Jan 31, 2015)

marduk said:


> If his version of Islam is giving to charity, praying, and not drinking, which part of it do you have a problem with personally for you?
> 
> The praying part?
> 
> One could interpret that as meditation. That's what I do when I have to go to religious events with my in-laws.


Him being Muslim doesn't bother me. The problem is, Islamically, it's forbidden to be married to an atheist. I was a Muslim when we married but I've just stopped believing it all. Think I've been kidding myself all along. 

But it's been depressing me pretending that I am, but I didn't want to tell him I'm not a Muslim because it's upset him. It's not making him happy him genuinely believing our marriage could send him to hell. I don't understand how religious people believe this stuff but he does, and I knew that before I married him, and I tried to mold myself into something I'm not. At the same time it doesn't seem he has it in him to leave me.

Any way, he knows now.


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## confusedw0man (Jan 31, 2015)

MachoMcCoy said:


> What a guy. But just wait until the grandparents find out the grandkids will be raised as heathens.
> 
> Your problems have just started.


You are not being helpful. You sound as if you know my husband and his parents and all Muslims for that matter, just because you posted some questionable statistics earlier.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Do his parents practice the same way he does or are they more religious? If the former, I'd be less worried, but if the latter, I'd be concerned that deep down he feels more religious than he is right now.

In my religion (Judaism), at least in the moderate branches, it's not uncommon to find people who practice but say they don't "really" or "literally" believe -- religions are also sources of community, values, morals, etc., and some people stay in the religion for those things. I would guess there are catholics, protestants, etc. who are like this too.


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## confusedw0man (Jan 31, 2015)

Hi John Lee,

His mother is fairly religious (though she never had a problem with her son having a western girlfriend, his sister has a boyfriend too) but his father doesn't seem to be. His family are quite mixed - some are very religious, others are not. Many I guess are religious due to cultural habits, like his cousins who wear hijab with skinny jeans lol.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

confusedw0man said:


> Him being Muslim doesn't bother me. The problem is, Islamically, it's forbidden to be married to an atheist. I was a Muslim when we married but I've just stopped believing it all. Think I've been kidding myself all along.
> 
> But it's been depressing me pretending that I am, but I didn't want to tell him I'm not a Muslim because it's upset him. It's not making him happy him genuinely believing our marriage could send him to hell. I don't understand how religious people believe this stuff but he does, and I knew that before I married him, and I tried to mold myself into something I'm not. At the same time it doesn't seem he has it in him to leave me.
> 
> Any way, he knows now.


I'm not an Islamic scholar, but I have some personal experience in the domain.

Technically, for a woman, I believe it's apostacy that is the problem. It doesn't matter for him to marry you and you be of a different faith, as long as you raise your kids Islamically.

The other way around is quite harram.

Now, the wrinkle is in the Koran where it's OK for a muslim man to marry a jew or a christian (person of the scripture I believe was the term)...

So being an atheist is indeed a problem, but only perhaps if you become an apostate. Which I believe means abandoning Islam in word or deed...

Does that help?


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## confusedw0man (Jan 31, 2015)

marduk said:


> I'm not an Islamic scholar, but I have some personal experience in the domain.
> 
> Technically, for a woman, I believe it's apostacy that is the problem. It doesn't matter for him to marry you and you be of a different faith, as long as you raise your kids Islamically.
> 
> ...


Sort of helps. I've abandoned Islam and become an atheist. I know that Islamically, for a Muslim man or woman to be married to an atheist is haram (forbidden). Depending on school of thought, it also renders our marriage void (in the Islamic sense, not legally).


sigh.... the balls in his court now.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

confusedw0man said:


> Sort of helps. I've abandoned Islam and become an atheist. I know that Islamically, for a Muslim man or woman to be married to an atheist is haram (forbidden). Depending on school of thought, it also renders our marriage void (in the Islamic sense, not legally).
> 
> 
> sigh.... the balls in his court now.


My point is the "word and deed" part. You might be able to find some wiggle room there.

It doesn't say "belief."


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