# Confused



## BBFiat57 (Aug 22, 2018)

I suspected my husband was having an emotional affair with a coworker so at the advice of my friends I started watching texts and emails. 

What I found was not an affair but an email my h wrote to his therapist right before he met me in person - he had seen me on an online dating website and we had been talking for a month. He told her "she is great but I worry about my sexual response to her because she is more overweight." I was devastated because this was 4 years into marriage and I thought something was off - he never seem interested in sex. He proceeded to tell me he wasn't attracted to me, then took it back, and went back and forth a million times.

I don't know if there is a question here, but I am devastated.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

You have to decide whether his comment is a deal breaker or whether you can get past it.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

BBFiat57 said:


> I suspected my husband was having an emotional affair with a coworker so at the advice of my friends I started watching texts and emails.
> 
> What I found was not an affair but an email my h wrote to his therapist right before he met me in person - he had seen me on an online dating website and we had been talking for a month. He told her "she is great but I worry about my sexual response to her because she is more overweight." I was devastated because this was 4 years into marriage and I thought something was off - he never seem interested in sex. He proceeded to tell me he wasn't attracted to me, then took it back, and went back and forth a million times.
> 
> I don't know if there is a question here, but I am devastated.


BBF, I’m sorry you are so devastated. Try not to let his hurtful words define who you are. I know it’s hard, but try to rise above it and love yourself in spite of what he (or anyone) thinks.

What made you suspect an emotional affair in the first place? Is that what you mean when you said he never seemed interested in sex? Sorry the timeline was a little confusing to me in your post.

So before you were serious, he told his therapist he was concerned.
Then 4 years into the marriage is when you found the email?
Is that right?

What is your relationship like right now?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

BBFiat57 said:


> I suspected my husband was having an emotional affair with a coworker so at the advice of my friends I started watching texts and emails.
> 
> What I found was not an affair but an email my h wrote to his therapist right before he met me in person - he had seen me on an online dating website and we had been talking for a month. He told her "she is great but I worry about my sexual response to her because she is more overweight." *I was devastated because this was 4 years into marriage and I thought something was off - he never seem interested in sex. He proceeded to tell me he wasn't attracted to me, then took it back, and went back and forth a million times.*


First, don't blame your violating your husband's privacy on your friends or your thinking that there was an affair. You did that, Own it. Did you apologize to your H? After all you were accusing him of having an affair and he didn't.

So after 4 years of marriage you found out that just after he met you he thought he might not be attracted to you because of your weight.

Sit down in front of a mirror. He MARRIED YOU, didn't he? So it must not have been a deal killer with him. He must love other things about you. Why did you marry him? Was it because of how he viewed your weight?

You are looking at your marriage as a glass that is half empty. Look at it again, but as half full. Devastated is an over reaction.

Good luck.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

BBFiat57 said:


> I thought something was off - he never seem interested in sex. He proceeded to tell me he wasn't attracted to me, then took it back, and went back and forth a million times.


Forgetting the email to his therapist (what is he in therapy for?), four years into marriage and he isn't interested in sex (with you). And he told you off and on that the reason is he isn't attracted to you. Did you have any warning of this before walking down the aisle? So why did he marry you? Why did you marry him? I mean if he has never been sexually attracted to you, what WAS the draw? 

Have either of you been married before? What are your ages?


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

That's actually some of the best news you could uncover given the situation. Instead of finding out you've been betrayed you now know his lack of attraction is due to something you can fix. If you're willing to put in the time and effort.


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## BBFiat57 (Aug 22, 2018)

to be clear with the timeline

we met and married 4 years ago
my husband was never really interested in sex AFTER we got married - before marriage was great
2 years into our marriage I suspected an affair
I soon found the email that my H had sent to a therapist before he even met me in person stating that he didn't think he was attracted to me

- now I am devastated and confused


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

BBFiat57 said:


> to be clear with the timeline
> 
> we met and married 4 years ago
> my husband was never really interested in sex AFTER we got married - before marriage was great
> ...


Thank you for clarifying the timeline.
What changed after 2 years to make you suspect an affair?

I know it’s painful to think of that email but that’s 4 years ago to his therapist. It might not even be true now. Have you asked him how he feels?

How is your weight now compared to 4 years ago?
How much do you have sex and how much do you _want_ to have sex?


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

He's not attracted to you because of your weight. Nothing is going to suddenly change that unfortunately. You'll have to decide if you want to leave him or get in shape and be more attractive.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

thunderchad said:


> He's not attracted to you because of your weight. Nothing is going to suddenly change that unfortunately. You'll have to decide if you want to leave him or get in shape and* be more attractive.*


To be clear, more attractive to him.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

- why was he seeing a therapist back then?

- is he still in therapy now?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I will never understand why people get married to people they don't find attractive. It's some kind of masochism...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BBFiat57 said:


> I soon found the email that my H had sent to a therapist before he even met me in person stating that he didn't think he was attracted to me


That means he made that statement to the therapist based off of pictures. 

Meeting and interacting in person always trumps knee-jerk responses to pictures. That works both ways. You can think someone is hot in pictures, but when you meet them in real life you lose all interest. And the opposite is also true in that some people's pictures may not do anything for you but you hit it off in person. 

And some people simply aren't that photogenic and don't have very flattering pictures on their dating and social media profiles. 

There is a person in my past that was a very good lover and we had great sexual chemistry that has downright terrible pictures on her social media and appears outright unattractive in her pictures. She was much more attractive in real life when she would get polished up. 

You obviously hit it off when you got together in person so I would have that trump any comment he made before meeting you. 

I would be more concerned with your current issues and address what's going on here and now more than something he may have said before you met. 

and just an FYI, my wife openly admits to anyone that will listen that she was not attracted to me when we first met AT ALL. We worked at the same place and over time she began to see my charms more clearly LOL

Does that bother me if I dwell on it and let it... yeah kinda. I wish I could say that she was leaving snail tracks on the floor when she first saw me across the room like in all the movies. But that is not the reality for a lot of people. The reality is that a lot of people develop attraction and desire for someone over a period of time.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If I only got a date with a woman who found me attractive in pictures, I’d never get to speak to a woman.

what you read was private. Gotta let it go. He MARRiED you. I’m not at all getting on your case about looking. But looking at his emails to his therapist BEFORE you were married was kinda wrong. I sent a message once that was to another dude and my SO got in my messenger messages and what she read basically ruined the relationship. A friend asked about a past lady of mine and I responded honestly and it rightfully hurt my SO. But I didn’t say anything about my SO other than she was amazing. The SO just didn’t want to hear the comments I made about my ex. Nothing I could do to fix the pain once she had read it.
My point is that some things you just gotta let go IF you can. 
If you’re not getting enough sex and romance, consider making some changes and see if there’s an effect.  Don’t tell him. Just see what happens. If nothing, make decisions based on what you see.


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