# First day of the rest of my life...



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

This is the first day of the rest of my life. 

The announcement came last night that he did not want to be committed (hands up who didn't see that coming) but at least he was honest about it. 

It all started because he asked me what I wanted to do that evening. My atty had joked earlier that day that I looked 'stunningly beautiful' (new suit) and said that my husband was a lucky man to have me. I had been happy yesterday, just all bouncy and in a great mood - looking forward to the time that evening with hubby. Hubby even got home early (yea!) and one of our business associates had been over getting paperwork for a project we are working on. When hubby came in I greeted him very warmly and lovingly, hugging him and smiling at him sweetly and sexily. (he used to LOVE this and told me he loved it when I did that in front of people) The guy whistled when he saw me go up to hubby and even mentioned to him "man, you should attack that woman and soon!" wow, what a compliment. Hubby ignored the man and said 'hello dear' in an offhand manner. This REALLY hurt my feelings. Why can't he see me the way other people do? 

Later he asked me what he wanted to do that night, but the wind had already been taken out of my sails, so to speak. I changed back into my old oversize jeans and a ratty t-shirt and hubby seemed to relax a bit. I asked him what he wanted to do (I wanted to be ravished damnit) and he said he 'didn't care'. I asked him if he would like to spend some wonderful time snuggling and such and he said "it doesn't matter. I don't care". Well this hurt me AGAIN. So I saw he just wasn't into me and suggested we play a game for the kids. He LOVED this idea. We played disney scene it (zzzzzz) After I said, "well, ok, we did that, i guess I'll get back to work" 

He saw I was upset and asked "honey, why do you look so sad?" Well, I really didn't want to tell him, all things considered. I was MAD, HURT, REALLY UPSET about being rejected by him over and over that day. I said I really didn't want to talk about it. He badgered me and pressured me and finally I told him "what I wanted was to be ravished by the man I love - by someone that desires me and wants me. I was hoping that was You." I said when I realized he didn't want to give that to me, it made me sad and angry. He said "sorry." 

I asked him what he wanted from us he said "to get along" I asked him what that looked like - friends, roommates or what - he said he 'didn't know' Then later he said "like we were the other night on the couch" We were cuddling and hugging and being loving. I said that I didn't understand, that he seemed to be saying two different things. He said that was my problem if I didn't understand.

I said I didn't want to do the Marriage Fitness thing anymore, that I felt it was a farce. He asked why - I said it was because it is a great tool for falling in love, for taking an already committed relationship that has fallen apart somehow and helping people reconnect in a way that helps them fall back in love. I said that it didn't seem like he wanted that. He denied it all at first. Then he finally came clean. 

He said he had been afraid to tell me the truth because he still wanted to be 'friends' with me and was afraid I would hate him if he told me he didn't want me, never wanted me and had no intention of ever reciprocating my love, attention, tenderness or romance. Gee, I wonder why. Never the less, I listened without judging, yelling, or throwing a hissy fit. I was calm, though I was crying and even told him I respected his choice and appreciated his honesty with me. I thought that under the circumstances I should be commended. 

He said he liked *me *being romantic, but didn't want to give back. He said he didn't feel he was able to be loving or romantic consistently "at this time in his life" 

I can't be the man you want. You want all this romance and love and committment. 

I feel that being loving, romantic, honest, open, affectionate are all *willful choices *we make - coupled with practice, good habits and the choice to have loving thoughts. We disagreed on that point. 

What do you MEAN you can't be romantic? You were just last thursday! I loved it and told you so! What do you mean you can't be honest? You just were! What do you mean you can't be affectionate? You make these choices. What do you mean you can't be committed? You make the Committment to get up every morning and go to work. You make the committment to call me every day from work. You make the committment to love and cherish your children every day of the year - whether or not you are tired, sore, unhappy. These are CHOICES. 

He said, "yes, but I don't WANT to do these things with you. I've TRIED to want it. I've TRIED to be what you want. But I can't and don't want to. I like it when you are, but that's not ME."

After dropping that bomb on me, and us going round and round with this for hours, both of us upset and exausted, he basically said he was tired and tried to go to bed. In OUR bed!! 

I told him (pretty meanly too - which I apologized for sincerly within five minutes) that there was NO way he was sleeping in my bed after what he just told me. He called me some choice names and slept on the couch for the first time in all the time we have been together. I did say when he came back for his pillows and blanket that no matter what I was feeling I should have snapped at him like that, and that i was sorry for my part in the argument. He ignored me and slammed the door on the way out. 

He fell right to sleep with the baby on the couch (that's another story, he got the baby out of bed to sleep with him) and fell right to sleep. I was up most of the night dealing with the bomb he dropped. 

This morning he didn't get up - he ignored his alarm. It's his responsibility to get the kids up in the morning for school. I did it this morning, and drove them to school. He woke up in the commotion but never said a word to me. 

I sang the kids awake, got them dressed, brushed (his) daughters hair for her, helped them get everything together, even drove them to school. He dumped the (now awake) baby on the couch and slammed out of the house. I took care of everything. 

Now that we are roommates, I no longer feel obligated to do his laundry, get his coffee, wake him up in the morning with sweet words and kisses (or at all), pay his bills, make him dinner etc. I'm going to have to address the fact that he owes me 3700 some how. I have paid over 770 in overdraft fees for his checking account in the last two months plus putting in over 1500 of my own money to keep his account in the black. I guess I'll have to close it. As my 'husband' and my lover and my best friend, I was willing (though not happily) to bail him out of his problems, do his chores, forgive all his shortcomings. But now? I don't feel much obligation to do this.

He had promised to pay 300 a week (he makes 450+) towards the family bills, but hasn't done it. He spends 'his' money on cigarettes, beer, taking his friends to lunch etc. He did buy my son (used to be 'our' kids, I guess I'll have to stop thinking that way) a birthday present. Should I offer to reimburse him?

What a mess. But hey, at least it's finally getting to be over. 

Now if I could just stop crying. I HATE The fact that he is coming back tonight. Just the thought of having to deal with his being super-sweet to the kids and cold as ice to me (his usual way of punishing me for any type of argument) and his totally ignoring me is hell.

Should I try to talk to him tonight about the money? about him moving out? what? I have no idea what to do. I just know I'm glad he was finally honest with me.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Well snix, I hate to hear things aren't working out for you. So here is my two cents, get him out of the house, see a good attorney, and forget about the money for now. Maybe chalk that up as a learning experience. I can tell ya that me leaving really opened my eyes to what I had or was going to lose. Be strong for your kids and good luck.


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## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

Ask him what he wants to do? Does he want a seperation? Does he want a divorce? Tell him you can not continue to live like this - giving all and receiving nothing and somehow feeling like it is all your fault for just not trying hard enough. 

You should not be the one to always back down, apologize, and try to set things straight and make up for everything...it never works, and leaves you feeling worthless. 

By giving you the silent treatment, he is manipulating you. By punishing you for your supposed "bad" behaviour, he is abusing you. By making you constantly doubt yourself, he is killing your self esteem. By not contributing finacially to the family, he is using you.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, but you are a strong woman, and will get through this, no matter what path you decide to follow.


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## 13years (Apr 6, 2009)

Sorry to see another person go through this snix11. This has been going on in my relationship for years. I have finally had enough and told my H I wanted a separation. I truly believe this will either wake him up or show me that we are better off apart.

He has started to take a little credit for our marriage issues but really just wants to keep blaming me. He says I am controlling and and always nagging and always in a bad mood. 

I pay all the bills, do most everything around the house, take care of the kids and work a full time job. He will tell me how amazing it is that I can juggle so much but those are simply words. I know I CAN juggle a lot but that does not mean I WANT to. It is exhausting. I don't think he sees that this is what makes me so cranky.

Am currently looking for another house. He is moving out on the 1st.


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## KMDillon (Apr 13, 2009)

I'm so sorry you're going through this after so much effort to work things out. I'm heart-broken for you. Now that he's made it clear he doesn't want to commit to you I think you've got to start talking about the next step, so yes, bring up the money issue, living arrangements, etc. The longer you delay those decisions the longer your relationship will remain in the wishy-washy in-between stage and that's the worst way to live. You don't need to throw everything at him at once (I'm sure he'll be resistant to these talks since he's the one without a house or money and you seem to do everything for him). But it's obvious he's not sticking around so if you continue to cater to him you'll look back with a lot of resentment. Save your energy so you can take care of someone who wants to take care of you as well.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Thanks everybody. It's 730 and he's still not back yet. didn't call or anything. His daughter is a bit worried. I made dinner for the kids and are spending some great time together...

so that's good. I guess. 

Found out today that he's been talking to people about going to see an atty and getting custody away from me from our son. He tells his daughter i'm not 'safe' but won't explain why. This doesn't make any sense to me. 

I cook, clean, i dont drink or anything to excess (yes i had a margarita at dinner last week when we went out!) I homeschool one of my kids and everything. Not sure what he's going to try and pin on me "shrug" 

Oh well. I guess I can hope that the truth will prevail. I love all my kids, especially His daughter (10) and she and I have become really close over these last few years. I'll really miss her.

Don't know where he is or what he's really doing. Guess I will eventually find out. But he's been lying to me for months aparantly. So I don't know that trying to talk to him will help if he's not going to tell me the truth.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

He slept on the couch again. Asked me where I wanted him to sleep, I said I didn't know. Was curt and cold to me once he came home, despite me trying to be nice.

He pressed me again about the sleeping arrangements, I gave him back the line he has been giving me all month "do what you want, I don't care"

He chose to sleep on the couch.


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## KMDillon (Apr 13, 2009)

He's the one who said he won't commit to you. He's the one who doesn't want to work on things. He should not be so angry and cold towards you. He wants to eat his cake and have it too.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Sorry to hear snix, such is life you will move on and get through this.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

I suppose so. last night, we had one of our business associates (and someone I had dated years ago interestingly enough) staying over this week to work with the business. 

He was suddenly 'nice' to me when he came home - coming over and using my shirt to clean off a CD in a rather flirty way, being nice and helpful during dinner etc. Later that evening he asked me where I wanted him to sleep. I said I didn't think I could honestly answer that question. I suggested he figured out where he wanted to be (hint hint - sheet or get off the pot) 

He brought up his pillow and book into the bedroom. Then said "thank you for letting me back into your bed" I thought, wow, finally, he gets it! Then he said:

"The couch was really uncomfortable." Got into bed, rolled over away from me and read his book. Never said another word to me all night. As my Teenagers say, "you've been pwn'd" 

Why that SOB. I got up at 3am and went for a walk, I was so angry. I ended up writing in my journal about it. In the morning after he left, I noticed that the journal was moved. Did he read it? 

JC (the ex and guy who's here this week) said he didn't say anything about it this morning and said my hubby seemed to be in a good mood. 

First part of the Journal: 

If i spend the rest of my life sleeping with someone who doesn't want me, I leave no room in my world for ever finding someone who will. 

It goes on like that - ending with a long paragraph on what I want in a husband. 

I have no idea what he's thinking or feeling. One thing is for sure, however, I don't want him to sleep with me any more.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

"One thing is for sure, however, I don't want him to sleep with me any more."

What are you going to tell him tonight when he comes to bed? Since he thinks he's been let back in, I doubt he'll ask permission tonight. 

How long do you want this 'co-habitation' situation to last? He clearly does not want to be a husband, just a roommate with built in babysitting, education for the children, and endless financial resources. He'll put on a nice show when company is around. 

You know exactly what you want in a husband. This man cannot fulfill ANY of those desires. How much longer are you willing to live this way?


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

MsStacy said:


> You know exactly what you want in a husband. This man cannot fulfill ANY of those desires. How much longer are you willing to live this way?


Yes, I know what i want in a husband. 
Yes, he CAN fulfill all of those desires. He's just choosing not to.
I'm not sure how much longer I can live this way.


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## COtwo (Apr 15, 2009)

snix11 said:


> If i spend the rest of my life sleeping with someone who doesn't want me, I leave no room in my world for ever finding someone who will.


Thats a very good statement.

Hey one thing I would suggest in your situation, which by all means I am not a proffesional counselor or anything. He sounds like he is very bad with money, take him off your accounts and tell them to delete his cards, or make you another account. He might try to rob ya if you leave..so if you do end up leaving or being apart even if for a little while, be sure to do that.

Sorry to hear what your going through, and I hope everything works out for you. You are a strong woman. Taking the first step is always the hardest, maybe he needs a wake up call? Sounds like you deserve much better than you get.

*hugs*


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

snix--
you said in an earlier post "hint hint" and i think that's where your problem lies. you show displeasure and wait for your man to "get it."
problem is, he doesn't "get it."

when he doesn't respond the way you want or expect, TELL HIM "you didn't respond the way i had hoped." tell him what reaction you wanted to see, maybe he'll give that to you, maybe he'll tell you why he can't. but to sit and stew over his lack of response sends a shaky message, in body language or otherwise. but likely he picks it up.

please take this the right way: quit *****-footing around. tell him what youre thinking as you're thinking it. i think that will generate some good old fashioned communication between you.

edit after post: what kind of editing software asterisks out pusssy-footing???


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

I think I did: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...sion/5141-learning-settle-less.html#post51806

and shame on you... it's cat-footing, everybody knows that 

and I think you are... RIGHT!

My fretting about his 'not getting it' isn't helping either of us. I hated having to SAY 'hey stupid, where's my damn hug?' when he forgot about me, so I would just stew and mope and get angry. 

After last night's talk (see post) I have vowed to myself to simply let him know when he's not responding the way i had hoped. Thank you for giving me some nice ways to say it


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

snix11 said:


> If i spend the rest of my life sleeping with someone who doesn't want me, I leave no room in my world for ever finding someone who will.


This is what's left of your self esteem speaking. You have been overlooking the obvious for months.



snix11 said:


> My fretting about his 'not getting it' isn't helping either of us.


Is it perhaps you who does not "get it"? But I feel that at last you are close to getting it. Good luck.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

IF by that you mean what i need to get is him OUT, yeah i get it. 

at least as an intellectual excersize. but the logistics, and legal ramifications are staggering. 

Keeping busy helps. Doesn't let me fret as much.


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