# What To Do if The Disloyal Actually Files for Divorce



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

The first thing I would recommend if you hear your disloyal spouse say they want a divorce--just remember that often a disloyal will *talk about* and *threaten *divorce, but won't actually take the time to file. It is their ultimate threat--"Do what I want and let me continue my affair...or else!"

Second, most disloyals want a "quickie" divorce and are envisioning "collaborative divorce within 2 months at the most." I suspect most also think that at the end of the divorce, everyone can call still "be friends" and the loyal will continue to meet their needs!  Of course none of this is based in reality. 

In reality a divorce RARELY if ever takes 1-2 months. What disloyals are thinking is... (of course) Affair Fantasy. Every state that I know of has a minimum of a 90 day wait and some have up to a year! And it would take 90 days IF, AND ONLY IF, both parties were cooperative and agreed. As an example, in my instance my state was 90 days and by then my ex had moved out for 2 years, was with his mistresses and would not reconcile, and we pretty much agreed on all but a very few things. Ours was fairly fast and it was 120 days because by then we were 2 years of trying to work it out! If there is any disagreement or non-disclosure, I've seen divorces that take years literally. There's a lady here on TAM, 827Aug, whose divorce has taken years because it was complicated with a business and other assets (plus stalling). Sooooo...any disloyal "fantasy" of a couple months is so they can legitimize their adulterous relationship. The Disloyal and the OP can get a love shack together and set up and play house. It has nothing whatsoever to do with reality! According to national divorce statistics, the average length of time it takes to finalize divorce settlements and other proceedings is one year in the United States.

So with reality firmly in grasp, let's go over what to do if your disloyal spouse really does file for divorce. 

There are Five Steps to a Divorce: 

1) Original Petition
2) Temporary Orders
3) Discovery
4) Divorce Mediation
5) Divorce Court
As you might imagine, each one has delays and tactics you can use to give you as much time as possible. For example, the original petition would be if one or the other party actually goes down to the court and files papers. If your disloyal does fill out papers and pay the court fee to file, then they have to serve you the papers. Thereafter, depending on your state you usually have something like 30 days to respond or reply. Thus one OBVIOUS tactic would be to wait to respond until the 29th day! Another obvious tactic would be to disagree and counter-file with what you think are more realistic child support, physical custody, and division of assets. And FYI, this is not be just be cantankerous but rather, to protect yourself and your family from being harmed because the disloyal is in "justification mode" and "me me me". So be fair and be realistic but wait as long as you can. 

Also in some states the disloyal would have to claim why they are petitioning for divorce: irreconcilable differences for states that don't have grounds. Well...in your reply just say that you think there are difference that can be reconciled! It's the truth isn't it? You could reconcile if they would end their affair! If you are lucky enough to live in a state with grounds, well consider counter-filing with the grounds of adultery. Lots of times if a disloyal thinks all their affair dirty laundry will be in a court document, they will be the one to stall or even cancel the divorce! 

I'll add more to this thread about each step of the divorce process!


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## 4mockingbird (Jul 27, 2010)

Thanks for this thread as this is the situation I find myself in. H filed for divorce the day after I found out about the OW. It is an emotional affair, not physical. At least that is what I believe at this time. OW lives in another town to far to go see without me knowing.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Might be off-topic, BUT, do disloyals often hold off on filing because they actually want the LOYAL spouse to be the one who "ends it"? So they can tell family, friends, kids that "Mr. Nice filed for divorce - it wasn't Mrs. Nice's idea"?

Just wondering if this is part of the reason they wait to file.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Oh sometimes they do put off filing for exactly that reason, yes! Absolutely! Bear in mind that a whole lot of their "justification" is that the loyal is such an awful, unbearable person that they *HAD* to commit adultery. Often there are allegations of unspecified "abuse" and disloyals also, at the very least, see themselves in the victim role. For example, "...you wouldn't expect me to stay in an abusive marriage would you? S/he screamed at me for an hour once!" (forgetting of course to mention that was the day you discovered the proof of their affair). "See how abusive s/he is?" Then if they can provoke and provoke and provoke the loyal until the loyal finally files for divorce, it's not like suddenly they accept personal responsibility. Nope--if a disloyal went to counseling to bide their time while also carrying on the affair behind everyone's back, and the loyal filed for divorce upon discovering the affair was ongoing, then there is the chance to say "I didn't even FILE--nothing did was ever good enough. I tried..see? I tried counseling but it just didn't work." You get the drift right?

So yeah, absolutely. That is one of the "tricks" a disloyal will pull. Just so you know, the way I ALWAYS see it is that the moment a loyal person has reasonable proof of infidelity (not suspicion and not hearsay but evidence) that loyal has the moral and legal right to divorce right there on the spot for adultery. Period. It is not a requirement to file, but they are morally and ethically allowed to do so in good conscience. 

Getting angry because your spouse committed adultery is not the WISEST thing, but it is understandable and it is not abuse, so don't be fooled by that. A truly abusive relationship is one that has an ongoing pattern and not so much a situational, limited occurrence. Anyway, when the disloyal has clearly checked out of the marriage and is in no way participating in or working on themselves or the marriage, then THEY are the one who committed adultery, left their spouse, and abandoned the marriage. If a loyal were to file divorce papers after really giving a true attempt to Plan A/Carrot & Stick and Plan B/Consequences...if they have stayed the course and protected the family to the best of their ability--then that loyal is just filling out paperwork to match the ACTIONS that have already taken place so "the church" or state or local governing officials recognize what has already occurred.

The bottom line is that if a disloyal wants a divorce, let them do it. Let them file; let them pursue it. To the loyal person, do all that you can to save the marriage, including being patient and letting the disloyal learn some tough life lessons! But have a plan, stay on track with a good Plan, know in your heart you have done everything you could do...but at some point there is a limit. At that point, when you know in your heart of hearts you've done all you could and done it well, and the disloyal has just left--at that point filing paperwork is only putting in writing what has already occurred and what was initiated and pursued, in actions, by the disloyal. 

Make sense?


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## 4mockingbird (Jul 27, 2010)

I have the classic "justification" scene going here. He filed right after I found out and the OW filed a protective order against me the same day. Somehow she had all my personal information including height and weight (things she could only get from H). 

When I asked him to work on the marraige it was an automatic "No." When I asked to go to counseling, it was an automatic "No." When I asked why, it was because he said he knew I wouldn't be able to change. What? It would require both of us to make changes, not just me.

When I asked why he didn't tell me he was so unhappy, all I got was the shoulder shrug. He was telling his Mom and the OW how awful I was too him and how unhappy he was. He even lied to his mom and told her I refused to go counseling and told her he was just friends with the OW and he didn't tell me because I was so jealous of any females friends he had. Another lie. Why would I get mad at his female Facebook friends, when I have male Facebook friends from high school and the military. The difference is I tell him everything when I talk to them and he hid her with a vengeance. Passwords on everything from the phone and the computer. He has these locked down like Ft. Knox. 

He will bring up things like I was controlling him and told him he couldn't do this or that. When I said I never did that, he said it was implied. He is trying to find fault in everything I ever did or said. He even went so far to say he didn't think he was ever happy in our whole 18 years of marriage. Now that I don't believe and feel he only said it to hurt me, or to justify his actions. 

That is exactly what I am doing. I can't stop him from getting a divorce, but I can prolong it to finish up my medical stuff. I told him I was wasting too much time on trying to be his friend (for the sake of the kids) that it was counter productive. Told him I would now only concentrate on me and the kids and move on. Since then, he is being nicer to me. Don't know what his agenda is on that, but I don't trust him one bit. I keep waiting for the shoe to drop even further.

When I asked for a legal separation instead of divorce for medical purposes, he told me "no" because he wouldn't be able to have sex and people wouldn't date him if he was still legally married. For someone supposedly coming out of an awful marriage, he is in one big hurry to jump back in. I know it is the furthest from my mind at this point. That only tells me that he has someone in the wings waiting since he is pretty much an anti-social person who has no close friends.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Affaircare said:


> Oh sometimes they do put off filing for exactly that reason, yes! Absolutely! Bear in mind that a whole lot of their "justification" is that the loyal is such an awful, unbearable person that they *HAD* to commit adultery. Often there are allegations of unspecified "abuse" and disloyals also, at the very least, see themselves in the victim role. For example, "...you wouldn't expect me to stay in an abusive marriage would you? S/he screamed at me for an hour once!" (forgetting of course to mention that was the day you discovered the proof of their affair). "See how abusive s/he is?" Then if they can provoke and provoke and provoke the loyal until the loyal finally files for divorce, it's not like suddenly they accept personal responsibility. Nope--if a disloyal went to counseling to bide their time while also carrying on the affair behind everyone's back, and the loyal filed for divorce upon discovering the affair was ongoing, then there is the chance to say "I didn't even FILE--nothing did was ever good enough. I tried..see? I tried counseling but it just didn't work." You get the drift right?
> 
> So yeah, absolutely. That is one of the "tricks" a disloyal will pull. Just so you know, the way I ALWAYS see it is that the moment a loyal person has reasonable proof of infidelity (not suspicion and not hearsay but evidence) that loyal has the moral and legal right to divorce right there on the spot for adultery. Period. It is not a requirement to file, but they are morally and ethically allowed to do so in good conscience.
> 
> ...


:iagree: 

827Aug here. This statement is so true. A loyal spouse many times needs a good therapist just to understand the mind games being perpetuated by the disloyal spouse. If I understand the intent of this post, it's basically how to "drag feet" on processing a divorce. If that's the intent, I have the answer--get two high dollar attorneys opposing each other. They will drag the process out and get every dime available.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Oh yes--absolutely! (nod)

Two high dollar attorneys do not advise their clients on the most efficient way to "end this"--their job is to stall and out-maneuver their opponent for the most billable hours! And by the way, I'm not kidding! It will literally cost you and arm and a leg, but it will delay it indefinitely if they're any good, because the goal is MORE BILLABLE HOURS...so at the last moment they'll throw in a motion that sends everyone off track and spinning out of control.... 

Usually though, 827Aug, the goal is not to cash in all the assets and spend them on attorneys. I realize that YOURS is a special case. *UGH*


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Well Affaircare you know my case. I let him file for divorce, he wanted collaborative but he refused to collaborate(go figure), so we proceeded a non collaborative way but still tried to keep things out of court. I did get the high priced attorney and I made him pay for it and he is still paying for it.

However in my case I also had the visa issue that was putting limit to my time as to what I can do to drag that divorce.

In the meantime if you have read any of my other posts on the "Going through Divorce forum" you will see how husband has been acting lately.

At this point I am not sure if his affair is still going on or he is just doing a damn good job keeping it low profile, but he is at home a lot, a lot more, speding time with both of us, buying things for us for our new apartment, joking around the house, almost being to the old himself, except we are still divorcing. He still refuses to talk about what was really wrong with our marriage and in one situation the best example of me being negative that he can come up was when I would occassionally give him crap about not coming home on time for dinner or not calling to say he was going to be late like at least couple of hours.

Go and figure out these dizzy people. At moments I really think he might be bipolar because I can't explain his behaviour any other way.


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## 4mockingbird (Jul 27, 2010)

My lawyer is going to stall the divorce as well. I was in a car accident in Oct of last year and I am still under a doctor's care, going to physical therapy, epidural shots, and possibly back surgery. I need to have all this done before the divorce is final because when it is, I lose my medical coverage through H's job. I have been a SAHM for the past 15 years so have no other coverage. 

I feel the same way. I don't know if H is still in contact with the OW. There are no phone records since I found out, but he is glued to the computer now and has shut me out of his Facebook page and has it locked down with passwords. I know he uses google messaging to contact whoever he is talking to. The texts are now to his Mom. They text each other 20-30 times a day. I find that really strange. H is really anti-social so doesn't have any close friends. He used to tell me everything, then he transfered that to OW, now has transfered it to his mom.

H has also done a complete turn-a-round in that he has stopped blaming me for everything and has now started to be nice, joke around, tease, talk about this and that. Being his old self, yet we are still divorcing too. 

This started after I changed my mind and told him I was going to stay in the house and after I wrote him a 5 page letter (on the advice of my counselor) telling him how I felt about all this and our marriage. 

I get the shoulder shrug or he tells me he doesn't want to talk about it when I bring up the state of our marriage. He has never apologized because he doesn't think he did anything wrong. He said they were just friends (not physical), but the 4000 text messages/phone calls over two months time tell me there was more than friendship. If they were just friends, why the effort to hide her from me, the passwords on the phone and computer, etc. 

Our H's must be similar in nature. I can't figure H's behavior either.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Very similar story except in my case I wish I was not constricted to depend on his work visa here in the US and him losing his job(he got severance). As I am writing this post he took my car to the dealership to have some accessory installed on it that he bought for me. I did not ask for it nor I cared if I got it really. I feel like son and I are just moving away and he is trying to facilitate the move. But as you said, there are still passwords on his two blackberries(he does not know I know about the second one), no texts on the two cell phones(he uses the blackberry to communicate with her at least he did that before) and still no talk as to what really went wrong in our marriage or at least his official story still does not add up right now.
I just hope one day he realizes how much I have loved him and loved him unconditionally. But where I am going to be at that moment in my life if that happens I really don't know. People ask me if I can forgive him. I tell them the forgiving part is the easiest part. It's the forgetting and the trusting part that is going to be difficult. But even for that to happen he will have to show that he feels remorseful for what he did and he would have to commit to work on the marriage or whatever is left of it. I don't want him back in my life because we have a child I want him back because he wants to be back with me. 
I better not stray from the main topic or Affaircare will slap me on the hands


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

4mockingbird, I don't blame you one bit for stalling. I've got a similar problem now too. I, too, had a serious illness near the end of last year. The health insurance would be a nice thing to have. 

Perhaps your attorney needs to request your wayward husband be responsible for providing you with a private policy after the divorce. It's going to be tough to find someone to insure you on an individual policy; and if you do find someone to write the policy, it is going to be EXPENSIVE. That will really slow things down. My estranged husband is worrying about that one!


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

My nice husband is actually paying for extra insurance for son and I in Canada for things that are usually not covered by the government plan(dental, vision, and few others). These benefits you usually get through an employer and only when you have a full time job. He is also keeping me and son on his COBRA insurance for now.


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## 4mockingbird (Jul 27, 2010)

That was brought up. Either agree to one year legal separation for me to finish up, purchase private insurance (hard with pre-existing conditions), or pay for it all himself. H looked into a plan but was going to cost $4000 a year, money he doesn't have.

I also have type II Diabetes and hypertension (with heart murmur) to go along with those back problems caused by the car accident.


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## patientone (Jul 31, 2010)

Thank you for starting this thread. Textbook of what is going on in my life.

My wife filed in May...thought in 60 days, we would be done. I did or said nothing but try and be a good husband at home. She is/was mad that I am doing nothing to 'help' the divorce process. 

I am not doing anything. She is still bringing up all the past (and adding some), I was verbally abusive EVERY OTHER DAY she says, I have not changed, etc etc.

More on this topic will help me and I am sure many others. Dragging is a way to get 'reality' to hit? Am I catching the drift?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Interesting way of summing up this thread--dragging feet on a divorce until reality sets in. I'm eager to see how this thread goes as well.

In my case, the lawyers have been the ones who dragged feet. My saga has been going on five years (divorce has been in the process for 16 months). We have now lost almost everything. Our family is destroyed, the business is gone, no income, and bankruptcy isn't far off. The bank will soon be foreclosing on our house. I honestly don't think reality can get much more vivid here. But, you know, the estranged husband really doesn't see reality. He still lives in his fantasy world in a waterfront home. Therefore, for some of you hoping a good dose of reality will change your cheating spouses' hearts, don't hold your breath. I know in my case I would have been much better off had I been able to get a speedy divorce. I could have at least saved my business then. I guess each case is different. Had it not been for me trying to salvage the business, I never would have been the one to file for divorce. I would not have given him the satisfaction! Heck, he sat there for two years threatening to divorce--the whole time he was stealing from our business and having one big party after another. Now, I wonder if he ever would have filed?


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## jar (May 30, 2010)

I am going through the same. My wife and I are going through mediation and wants the quick divorce. Look at my thread for more details. She is mad and frustrated that I am not participating. It has only been two months since she stated she wanted the divorce. She has not filed.


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## land2634 (Jun 7, 2010)

My wife has now filed. She is wanting me to meet her to sign the papers. I'm thinking it would be foolish of me to sign them on the spot.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I'm so sorry to hear she's filed, land. I do agree it would be foolish to sign them on the spot. If nothing else you will want to have your own legal adviser look them over. If she wants to file, I would suggest making her serve you and not doing a joint divorce--EXCEPT in the instance where you're done. 

If you are done, that's okay--you've fought a long, good fight and stood firmly and faithfully for your marriage no matter what she did, and I'm proud of you. In that instance I would still recommend that you have her serve you and that you counter-file with what you believe is truly and honestly fair according to the laws of your state. Bear in mind that lawyer's are there to get "more billable hours" and not necessarily to make this more fair or less painful. You'll need to direct that part. Okay? 

We'll be online all day for you alright?


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