# I feel used...



## ralk (Jun 1, 2012)

My husband is not a big communicator, works long hours and plays games on phone on phone and doesn't go out of his way to make an effort. I attend to the kids, the housework and work part time and I feel after 15 years and two kids and lots of ups and downs we are drifting apart. we have sex once or twice a week when he needs it, I prefer for things to happen naturally but this is very very rare. The past couple of weeks he has not been interested and to be fair the last week I was unwell. We both enjoy the intimacy and for me as he is not a big communicator it is the only way we feel connected so was very surprised and please when he came up to me and hugged and kissed and was making an attempt to make love saying I want to see you...I said the kids are going to be up any minute..he said he will give me a massage later and came on me... I realised then that he wanted to see me not to make love but to relieve himself and this really hurt me...he did apologise saying he feels really bad but by offering a massage later in the night he knew exactly what he wanted to do. I feel like he has no respect for me and feel very hurt. Am I over reacting?


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

No.

When a man, or a woman, put no effort into emotional intimacy but expect physical intimacy this is only half of love.

Go her and print out two copies, one for each of you.
Emotional Needs Questionnaire

Bravo for hanging on to you sex drive even as you've been ignored emotionally. Sex is important in a marriage. But so is emotional intimacy.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

ralk said:


> Am I over reacting?


Looking at this from the outside I see it a little differently than you do. I'm also male so that affect's my viewpoint. The value of this kind of forum is to give you a new perspective not necessarily a solution.

You are not getting your emotional needs met. 1> he spends too much time on games and not enough on you and the kids. 2> you aren't getting enough or satisfactory sex / intimacy. 3> The sex you are getting is physically ok but emotionally empty.

You two had a 2 week break from sexual activity for reasons that are generally acceptable. I'm guessing that this is pretty unusual for you. So you are both in need. He foolishly tried to get his itch scratched without seeing to your needs. In that you are right he attempted to use you. But, where you are over reacting is that he is interested in filling your needs. He just isn't very good at it. 

OK I'm going to propose a learning experience for both of you. But don't try this when you are both horny and frustrated like you are now. Take the edge off first. Then take turns. It should look some thing like this. "Honey, you suggested the other day that I do such and such for you and you would do a favor for me later. I'd like to do that now." Have a his turn sex. Focus on him, get him to communicate his needs and fill them. Then the next opportunity say "This is my turn. Turn off your phone and listen to me." make sure you communicate your needs (for get that just happening naturally business, he can't read your mind as he has proven, but if you give him a map he can find his way back again without instructions) Make sure he knows you appreciate him filling your needs. 

This is not an every time suggestion this is a every now and then idea. Maybe once a year. Many couples do this around anniversaries and Valentines day. Mostly this is re-opening the communication.

MN


----------



## ralk (Jun 1, 2012)

I have addressed the issue of lack of communication, closeness and so on and every time I talk about it he gets cross saying I am bringing up problems that aren't there. This is why the intimacy is important to me as it makes us feel like a couple and is some form of closeness. Yes we do different things for each other but I am starting to feel rather deprived on the whole and am running out of patience I feel but find it hard to leave. At the same time I find this monotony is taking the colours out of life leaving it dull and grey..I have suggested movies and meals, just the two of us and even a walk just for a bit of us time...now I keep myself busy with FB and things to distract from reality


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

If you are at an impasse about intimacy (physical and emotional), then something has to change.

If you cannot communicate effectively about how you feel, then you need to get a professional to help you do this.

Try marriage counseling.

If it's a matter of you digging in your heels or he doing likewise about your opinions, then you will get nowhere.


----------



## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Mr. Nail said:


> "Honey, you suggested the other day that I do such and such for you and you would do a favor for me later. I'd like to do that now." Have a his turn sex. Focus on him, get him to communicate his needs and fill them. Then the next opportunity say "This is my turn. Turn off your phone and listen to me."
> MN


I'm not sure this works particularly well. I know my wife is 'different' (I'm being polite!!) but in the past if I asked her to scratch my back (ahhhh!) her standard response was 'yes, but only if you then massage my shoulders'. I haven't asked my wife to do anything in years....yet I still continue to massage her shoulders etc when asked.
She is so self centered that she hasn't even noticed that I have stopped asking for anything.

If I say that I have a headache or just feel rotten, so does she except only worse!
Even the children have cogged on to this and make jokes about Mummy having a sore balls....even though she hasn't got any!

Anyway...I believe that in a marriage there SHOULD be such a thing as a free lunch. 
I will happily massage your shoulders and I expect nothing in return....and when I ask you to scratch my back I want it unconditionally.
I guess thats why its called unconditional love....


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You can try what Mr. Nails suggests, if you have not already. If that does not, or has not worked, then you need to get his attention.

A good way to do it is to tell him that he keeps telling you that there are not problems. But you have problems. Your problems is that he's not meeting your emotional nees and seems to have no interested is doing so anymore. Each of you is responsible for meeting the other's needs. So, either he go to marriage counseling with you and work on fixing your marriage, or you are filing for divorce.

Using the threat of divorce should never be done lightly. But there are times when it seems like the only way to get the other person to wake up and notice that the house is on fire.


----------

