# My Story - WS looking for advice



## emo_eater (May 8, 2014)

Hi all,

I just stumbled across this website today while searching the net for things to help me with my relationship with my husband. We have been married for over 8 years, together over 10. 
When we'd been married for about a year, I had what I now see was an EA with a friend of mine, nothing physical ever happened, but I entertained thoughts of leaving my husband. Not necessarily FOR the friend, but more it just showed me that I was dissatisified in my marriage. Being young, and also with a husband with a very strong personality, I don't think I handled the situation well, and so over the years I have continued on and off to struggle with my feelings of dissatisfaction and my inability to communicate effectively with my husband.

nearly 2 years ago now, I had another EA that also involved sexting etc and was much more serious. I had been miserable and felt unappreciated in my marriage for a really long time, and didn't feel as though it was getting any better, so I took the cowards way out, and ended up seeking solace in the attention of another man. This has easily been the worst decision I have ever made.

My husband and I have been flailing around in the waters of our marriage ever since, he is obviously finding it hard to trust me, and obviously anger flairs up every so often. I try to do what I can for him, but have to say that I also feel that my needs aren't getting met. I understand that what I did was very, very, very wrong and hurtful, and if I could take it back, I would, but I still think there were other issues in our marriage that needed working on as well. 

As I said, I have always struggled to communicate my needs effectively to my husband, and now even more so, as if I ever ask for something or want something to change, I get the line about me being the one who cheated, so I don't get to ask for ...

I would like to try MC as a way to help me communicate more effectively, but he won't go. I just don't think we are getting anywhere by ourselves. I am seriously starting to doubt my decision to stay and work on our marriage for the benefit of our son, and am thinking that what we have might not be fixable.

But that thought is really, really scary for me, I want to make sure we have tried everything possible to save our marriage. I need to find something to help us communicate effectively, anything to help us trust each other.

I spent a fair bit of time reading up on the marriage builders website last year, and thought that that might be a great way to start our 'new' relationship, but when I showed hubby, he wasn't really interested in that either.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm going to suggest some reading for you....

"Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley 
"His Needs, Her Needs" 

Read them in that order. What you did was wrong and you own that 100%. But there is a continuing issue of a marriage that is not working for either of you. Do what those books suggest. If that does not work, if he will not work with your to communicate and fix the marriage then there is little for you in this marriage.

If you don't fix it and you are not happy, leave the marriage. Don't go down the road of any kind of relationship with another man again because that just destroys your soul.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

for 9 yrs you have been in a miserable mge---with a H---that you will not confront, as to marital problems

You have had 2 EA's---second EA, came possible very close to physical contact---but with the sexting---what more do you really need----

You have broken your vows---living and staying in misery---is not the best situation for your son---he very possibly might end up hating both of you----his happiness should come 1st---

Up to this point, as I said before, you refuse to confront your H, on the marital issues---on top of that you have cheated and brought another man into the mix----you are miserable---your H, is probably mad most of the time, as his sub---conscious is, I am sure, driving him crazy----and your son---suffers

Like it or not this mge---needs to end-------your son will end up in split homes, but at least if the mge is ended, you and your H, might just live better and happier lives, which is what your son needs


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## emo_eater (May 8, 2014)

Thanks for the sensible advice. I will have a look at the books you have suggested.

I am really worried that our relationship isn't going to work, and I am also worried about the affect a relationship break up would have on our son. That is what worries me most. I also don't want our son growing up thinking that what our current relationship is like is what relationships should be like, if you know what I mean.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

does you husband know about your two EAs?, maybe you are talking him bout solutions when he don't even perceive a problem.


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## emo_eater (May 8, 2014)

yes, he knows about the EAs. The most recent one really really really hurt him and (for him) that has caused the most trouble in our relationship. for me, the relationship was already is a LOT of trouble, and I made the wrong decision and tried to feel better by involving someone outside the marriage. Now we have extra, bigger problems to work through, and of course my affair looms as a much bigger issue than what I was feeling prior to the affair. 
Unfortunately it doesn't mean that the issues have gone away, it just means we have heaps and heaps to deal with, and I am quite overwhelmed by it all at the moment, and because I don't know where to go, I tend to just do the ostrich thing and stick my head in the sand. Although I can see that this approach isn't really working. So I am trying to find something else that might just work...


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

is he 100% commited in reconcilation?, or is he still thinking if he wants to continue the marriage or not?, the worst people can do in these cases is rugsweep the affair, and is normally the WS the one that just wants to forget the whole deal and do as if nothing happened, but it seems that in this case you are the one who really wants to work in the relationship and fix the problems and your husbasnd is the one who wants to rugsweep everything, which is weird, that is why I am asking his level of commitment


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

emo_eater said:


> My husband and I have been flailing around in the waters of our marriage ever since, he is obviously finding it hard to trust me, and obviously anger flairs up every so often. I try to do what I can for him, but have to say that I also feel that my needs aren't getting met. I understand that what I did was very, very, very wrong and hurtful, and if I could take it back, I would, but I still think there were other issues in our marriage that needed working on as well.



also your husband reactions described here are normal, please read this to help you to understand your husband feelings and reactions:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

specially post number 3

"*Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.*"


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## emo_eater (May 8, 2014)

Thanks for the link to the newbies thread - lots of great info there, and some new things for me to try, and also some great informative posts to help me understand how he is feeling. 
On the one hand, I am now looking forward to him coming home from work so I can show him some love, on the other, I'm worried that the house/car etc isn't clean enough, and that he's going to be cranky with me in some way...I really need to stop these feelings in myself, and start expecting the best, instead of the worst, from him.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You were dissatisfied with your marriage. So you had an EA. Then you decided to have a child. Then you had another affair. I think the burden is on you to make things right. Be a great wife, meet your man's needs, and who knows....maybe your marriage is not so bad afterall.


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