# The benefits of mismatched drives?



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

*It is so easy to complain about mismatched drives, so I want to challenge everyone to say at least one thing positive about it? *

I'll go first. Great sex is about overcoming a challenge as a couple with teamwork. Mismatched drives gives a couple extraordinary opportunities to build very strong teamwork skills and have phenomenal sex as a result. Quality over quantity.

Badsanta


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Mismatched drives?

As long as she wants to fool around with me when I want to, her drive can be whatever she wants. 😂

A positive?

If one likes puzzles that are hard to put together and may be missing a few pieces, then a mismatched love bunny is good for you.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

the mismatched drives have "driven" my wife and I into better ways to communicate about complex topics and allowed our sense of self and differentiation to grow.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

If I ever end up single and dating again, I will never commit to someone who I don't sexually connect with.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Married_in_michigan said:


> the mismatched drives have "driven" my wife and I into better ways to communicate about complex topics and allowed our sense of self and differentiation to grow.


I dunno old friend, for W and I, if we had to spend so much time talking through things to have sex, neither of us would have the patience. 

My rule is I'll never negotiate W into sex, we will, or not, if not, that's a problem. 

Fortunately it's never been a problem.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I really don't see any benefits. I suppose you could value the experience as preparing you to join a monastic order, become a harem eunuch (cringe!), or develop massive forearms. We've already developed communication and negotiation skills so don't need sexual differences to enhance them. And there need not be a trade-off between quality and quantity - it is entirely possible (and we it find highly desirable) to have _both_.

We both had starter marriages with mismatched partners, and neither of us will ever settle for an inadequate sex life ever again. I could have more sex just dating than many unfortunate married people - and get a dog for companionship.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

When I started dating my wife she hadn’t had sex in almost three years, she didn’t seem too pushed about it and didn’t really believe that an orgasm was a real thing.
Now we have sex every day 🥳🥳🥳


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

leftfield said:


> If I ever end up single and dating again, I will never commit to someone who I don't sexually connect with.


Unfortunately NRE can overcompensate and fool you into thinking things are matched and then you end up later feeling like you got a bait and switch.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Her approach to our mismatched drives has been illuminating. It has forced me to see how very little she is willing to work on issues in our relationship, and how closed off to me she is and how disinterested she is in the things that would make me feel loved, maybe even averse.

It has taken quite a bit of time. Earlier, she would make an effort, and I suppose it meant a lot to me at the time because it seemed motivated by love and caring to make me feel loved. That wasn’t sustained, and the effort became more about her lifestyle preservation or fear of change. Now, even that’s not worth it to her. 

Or maybe it’s just now, she no longer is inhibited from living her truth, a truth that has been constant over time.

That’s all to say, over the long term, the mismatch has brought the gift of knowledge.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

".........*say at least one thing positive about it? * ........"

One of the things that David Schnarch says is that marriage is the hardest thing two people can do, if done correctly. He also refers to marriage as a people growing machine.

In light of that, I do feel that the mismatch in my and my W's sex drives has forced us both to emotionally grow and to negotiate what our view of long term marriage includes. 

I would add that it probably was no greater a negotiation than parenting style of our two children or a host of financial decisions we made. Yes it almost resulting in divorce until we came to a compromise we could both live with, but we did arrive at that compromise with the help of a great sex therapist/marriage counselor.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It teaches the art of thinking of the other person more and learning to compromise.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

leftfield said:


> If I ever end up single and dating again, I will never commit to someone who I don't sexually connect with.


The thing is that that things change in marriage.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> The thing is that that things change in marriage.


That’s what divorce was invented for.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I think this depends on what “mismatched drives” actually means.

If the mismatch is one wants to swing from the chandeliers and indulge in Brazilian Oil Orgies 5 nights a week and the other wants a simple quickie a couple times a week but both consider the relationship sound and the sex life good, then all is fair and one can make the arguments that the negotiations and mutual cooperation is valuable.

But if the mismatch is that one person simply does not want to or has no sexual attraction or desire for the other, then there is no positive or upside.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

A couple that goes from regular good jointly enjoyed sex to hardly no sex or no sex does so for a reason. 

Barring medical reasons, that reason is generally indicative of a larger problem which the still higher driver spouse will react to.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Married_in_michigan said:


> the mismatched drives have "driven" my wife and I into better ways to communicate about complex topics and allowed our sense of self and differentiation to grow.


I love that! So true. I struggle with mis-matched drive in my marriage from time to time (husband is lower drive), but it keeps me from replacing connetion with sex. I think it is easy to lose the friendship when life gets fast!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Nothing positive, sorry... only pain.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> Nothing positive, sorry... only pain.


See my post # 14. 

You are in the latter group. No benefit. 

The latter group is a toxic relationship that only causes pain and problem. No Benefit.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> That’s what divorce was invented for.


Well as you know I dont believe in divorce except for things like adultery and abuse.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> See my post # 14.
> 
> You are in the latter group. No benefit.
> 
> The latter group is a toxic relationship that only causes pain and problem. No Benefit.


yes, I'm painfully aware of it... but we've solved the problem by not having sex anymore...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Well as you know I dont believe in divorce except for things like adultery and abuse.


I understand that. 

But the fact remains that divorce doesn't exist solely for your beliefs. Other people may invoke it for whatever other reasons they see fit as well.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> yes, I'm painfully aware of it... but we've solved the problem by not having sex anymore...


that may have solved her problem, but it didn't solve yours.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> I understand that.
> 
> But the fact remains that divorce doesn't exist solely for your beliefs. Other people may invoke it for whatever other reasons they see fit as well.


If we divorce every time we dont see eye to eye on things, there would be no one left married.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> If we divorce every time we dont see eye to eye on things, here would be no one left married.


There is a different between not seeing eye to eye on whether the tube of toothpaste should be squeezed from the end or the middle vs not having one of more of your key criteria for remaining in a marriage being met. 

I can live with someone who squeezes the toothpaste from the middle. I can't/won't remain in a marriage with someone that doesn't want to have a sexual relationship with me. 

If that means I remain single and unmarried for the rest of my days, so be it. It is not a marriage without sexuality to me anyway.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> If we divorce every time we dont see eye to eye on things, here would be no one left married.


Additionally, I think one of the reasons that divorce rate is climbing and the marriage rate is declining compared to previous generations is people are learning they don’t have to be married. 

They don’t have to settle. And if the marriage is not meeting their needs, they don’t have to remain. 

If you have options and something is not a benefit to you, why do it?


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## tennman (Apr 29, 2020)

I can't see any benefit to the person with the stronger drive. Just frustration, hurt, rejection, and resentment.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Yeah there is no benefit to mismatched sexual desire.

Saying it is a benefit because you have communication is like saying saying it is a benefit to stub your toe on the coffee table because it makes you keep a first aid kit, or like saying it’s a benefit for a grease fire in the kitchen so it makes you keep a fire extinguisher.

Communicating and problem solving skills are things people should be doing anyway to maintain a relationship.

Mismatched sex drives is just another problem added to the mix.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> that may have solved her problem, but it didn't solve yours.


Of course, my comment was tongue in cheek. There is no solution, really, and, in a way, it's good I don't have to waste my time thinking about sex and my wife. It's been terrible and it's affected me greatly. Look forward to the rest of my life (when I get it) as a free human being.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> There is a different between not seeing eye to eye on whether the tube of toothpaste should be squeezed from the end or the middle vs not having one of more of your key criteria for remaining in a marriage being met.
> 
> I can live with someone who squeezes the toothpaste from the middle. I can't/won't remain in a marriage with someone that doesn't want to have a sexual relationship with me.
> 
> If that means I remain single and unmarried for the rest of my days, so be it. It is not a marriage without sexuality to me anyway.


I am talking about important things.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> Yeah there is no benefit to mismatched sexual desire.
> 
> Saying it is a benefit because you have communication is like saying saying it is a benefit to stub your toe on the coffee table because it makes you keep a first aid kit, or like saying it’s a benefit for a grease fire in the kitchen so it makes you keep a fire extinguisher.
> 
> ...


Its all about compromise and not always thinking we should get our own way all the time. Anything of this sort is character building and shows what we are made of.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I am talking about important things.


So am I.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Its all about compromise and not always thinking we should get our own way all the time. Anything of this sort is character building and shows what we are made of.


I understand but there is a difference between working together and coming up with a plan for mutual satisfaction vs someone simply being deprived of one or more of their critical needs. 

There is a difference between agreeing to see a chick flick one weekend and seeing a shoot-em-up the next vs someone being a movie buff and the other one not wanting to go to any movies with them at all.


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## tennman (Apr 29, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> Mismatched sex drives is just another problem added to the mix.


And probably another person.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

tennman said:


> And probably another person.


Yeah and surprisingly often it is the one denying the other or the supposed lower drive person.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> So am I.


Toothpaste is an important thing????


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> I understand but there is a difference between working together and coming up with a plan for mutual satisfaction vs someone simply being deprived of one or more of their critical needs.
> 
> There is a difference between agreeing to see a chick flick one weekend and seeing a shoot-em-up the next vs someone being a movie buff and the other one not wanting to go to any movies with them at all.


Yes true but if one wants sex twice a month and the other 3 times a week, cant they agree on say once a week?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Yes true but if one wants sex twice a month and the other 3 times a week, cant they agree on say once a week?


Reasonable people could agree. Many couples include at least one person who isn't reasonable and won't negotiate. Communication won't help in that case.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Yes true but if one wants sex twice a month and the other 3 times a week, cant they agree on say once a week?





> Reasonable people could agree. Many couples include at least one person who isn't reasonable and won't negotiate. Communication won't help in that case.


Reasonable people can agree on a lot of things, including this. It would be a good idea to think if this is really a reasonable compromise? Many HD people connect and feel love via sexual intimacy. Is it reasonable to ask them to only connect once a week? Would it be reasonable to tell a woman who wants to talk and communicate that she can only do that once a week?

Couldn't reasonable people agree to an open marriage so that he HD person can get their sexual and emotional needs met? Then the LD person only needs to get into twice a month or whatever they feel like. To have a healthy open marriage takes great communication, so you get that positive too.

Couldn't reasonable people agree that someone else could make their spouse more happy than they do, and let them find that happiness?

There are all kinds of things that reasonable people can agree to. The agreement that you explored here is only reasonable if saving the marriage is the primary motivation. In which case it has already been established that doing what is best for your spouse is not the top priority.

Edit: this comment is completely off topic from what the OP wanted so I will not respond to any replies. Sorry @badsanta for joining the thread jack.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Yes true but if one wants sex twice a month and the other 3 times a week, cant they agree on say once a week?


Of course they can. 

Basically every couple has some mismatch of libido and desire as no couple is absolutely 50/50. All couples have to negotiate, compromise and come to workable agreements on about 5,000 different things. 

I am talking about where one wants a sex life and the other doesn't. 

But the question posed in this thread was if there is a benefit to mismatch in sex drive (presumably meaning a significant difference) 

My answer to that is no - There is no benefit or upside to having a significantly different sexual interest.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If the couple is in an ENM marriage, then the high drive person could have multiple other lovers (they could even be LD). Then the HD person could have a satisfying sex life, and the LD person(s) could also be happy.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Married but Happy said:


> If the couple is in an ENM marriage,


What is ENM marriage?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> Its all about compromise and not always thinking we should get our own way all the time. Anything of this sort is character building and shows what we are made of.


Actually that describes employment. Your strong belief is deeply underscored by your history. I'm more qualified to promote your agenda. But, that is not the topic of discussion. Mismatched drives is not a marriage building challenge, it's just a challenge.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> What is ENM marriage?


ENM = ethically non-monogamous


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

badsanta said:


> Great sex is about overcoming a challenge as a couple with teamwork.


Did anyone else consider this bizarre?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SpinyNorman said:


> > Great sex is about overcoming a challenge as a couple with teamwork.
> 
> 
> Did anyone else consider this bizarre?


An example of a challenge is one person not being happy with his/her body and feeling very self conscious about it. Working together as a couple that can be overcome so that a spouse learns to be both confident and proud of his/her body. 

In my opinion there is nothing bizarre about that and the result is that it greatly improves sexual intimacy. There are also endless challenges to overcome when a couple has a mismatched drive:

Scheduling time together
Reducing anxiety
Improving emotional connections
Improving communication
Learning to appreciate different forms of sexual response / means of arousal (like a responsive drive)
Helping each other with self development
so on and so on
Badsanta


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

badsanta said:


> An example of a challenge is one person not being happy with his/her body and feeling very self conscious about it. Working together as a couple that can be overcome so that a spouse learns to be both confident and proud of his/her body.
> 
> In my opinion there is nothing bizarre about that and the result is that it greatly improves sexual intimacy. There are also endless challenges to overcome when a couple has a mismatched drive:
> 
> ...


If you meant to say that overcoming challenges is a good thing, then say that. But you didn't, you said "Great sex is about overcoming a challenge as a couple with teamwork. "

If two people have sex that is easy, straightforward and pleasing to both they haven't overcome any challenges so it isn't great sex? I consider that bizarre.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SpinyNorman said:


> If you meant to say that overcoming challenges is a good thing, then say that. But you didn't, you said "Great sex is about overcoming a challenge as a couple with teamwork. "
> 
> * two people have sex that is easy, straightforward and pleasing to both they haven't overcome any challenges so it isn't great sex? I consider that bizarre.*


I had never thought of it that way... without some type of challenge to overcome, for me it is kinda meh. As if a spark is missing. But that is just me, I'm sure emotionally effortless sex can be great as well. 

So mismatched drives create a lot of sparks! If done just right.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Sex in a mismatched marriage is like ice fishing. You still get all of the sitting around and waiting, the cleaning of smelly fish, the time away from home, and so on, but you also get to do it in the dead of winter. you get to sit on the ice, you get to walk on the ice, you get to drill a hole in the ice. See how adding an additional challenge enhances the experience?


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

badsanta said:


> I had never thought of it that way... without some type of challenge to overcome, for me it is kinda meh. As if a spark is missing. But that is just me, I'm sure emotionally effortless sex can be great as well.
> 
> So mismatched drives create a lot of sparks! If done just right.


Badsanta, it sounds like you have been conditioned to only get excited by pushing a boundary (have a challenge to overcome) and if you don't have that you don't get as excited and/or enjoy it as much. Is that accurate?


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

badsanta said:


> I had never thought of it that way... without some type of challenge to overcome, for me it is kinda meh. As if a spark is missing. But that is just me, I'm sure emotionally effortless sex can be great as well.
> 
> So mismatched drives create a lot of sparks! If done just right.


Thanks for explaining, I think I understand what you mean. For me, sex that "lacks" challenges is great.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

leftfield said:


> Badsanta, it sounds like you have been conditioned to only get excited by pushing a boundary (have a challenge to overcome) and if you don't have that you don't get as excited and/or enjoy it as much. Is that accurate?


I enjoy working on my marriage and seeing the fruits of that labor. As with most things in life you don't learn to really appreciate something until you encounter a problem with it and have to work on it. That is not the same as pushing boundaries, but more like just learning to better appreciate what you have. 

Regards,
Badsanta


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

For the lower drive partner the benefits are pretty obvious. Sex whenever you want it, a partner that is probably attentive (until they give up and move on), and at least nowadays control over the relationship.

I'm not sure about the higher drive partner. Motivation to be a better partner to inspire all the attention you can get? Being secure in the knowledge the LD partner isn't seeking sex elsewhere? Knowing that you can keep up sexually?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Hiner112 said:


> Being secure in the knowledge the LD partner isn't seeking sex elsewhere? Knowing that you can keep up sexually?


Not so fast. That is often a very erroneous assumption.

Time and time again we see here that it is actually the LD person that strays.

And often it’s not that the HD person is “keeping up” but rather that the LD person isn’t actually of lower drive at all but that they simply are not into sex with their partner. 

Your partner not ever wanting to have sex with you is actually a red flag that they are getting it or at least wanting it elsewhere and should definitely not be viewed as assurance they aren’t grazing in greener pastures.


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