# I'm tired of being blamed



## amiguilty (Mar 1, 2012)

I need help because I feel that maybe I am not seeing this situation clearly, and I want to fix it. A few weeks ago my husband and I got into a physical fight, I ended up leaving with a bad black eye and other concealable injuries and he some scratches from me and a broken finger from punching the wall. I left our house for a while to clear my head on the situation but I still don't feel clear at all. The fight started nastily as well but I won't get into that online for sake of privacy. The big issue for him is that we work together and even after tons of makeup and staying out for an extra day, my eye was very visible to everyone in my company. This wasn't the first time i've had injuries from a fight but by far the worse but the biggest difference is that I didn't lie about how it happened this time. I was far too emotional and couldn't think of any believable excuse so I mostly answered with "I don't want to talk about" or "it's nothing" except for the few ladies closest to me that I felt I could confide in. I eventually went back to our home, he never really apologized but did say he was wrong to do that to my face. We've gone back and forth with trying to talk it out but we never get anywhere...it usually ends with him telling me that if i ever "put my hand's on him" that is what I can expect. The problem is even if I'm tiptoeing on my best behavior, he is always upset at something I do and in my eyes, puts me down., i.e.., you have no real friends, no one cares about you, you're crazy and one day will see this, you're easily replaced etc...and i end feeling cornered by his taunts, I try to ignore them but we typically will end up in another blow out like this one. I tried taking us to consoling but even though he was open, he felt that the therapist was only focused on him...told me that if i feel he's abusive and controlling then we should just divorce bc that is who he is and i'm trying to change him. So everyday is either good or bad but the thing that i can't deal with is that he blames me for the way that people at work view him and he goes in on me any chance he can get to remind me that "i didn't lie for him"...making me feel guilty for betraying our bond and that because of that i'm not a good wife. It's really starting to get to me bc I feel that he broke our bond by hurting me and embarrassing me so badly yet I willing to do whatever it takes to be a better person and not get into these situations again. I know that I'm rambling but I'd just like some unbiased thoughts...thank you


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I need help because I feel that maybe I am not seeing this situation clearly, and I want to fix it.


I think you already know the answer to fixing this.

You need to leave your husband. Do you have anywhere safe you can go? Family? Friends you trust will assist you?

Please don't go back to that house. Neither of you should be putting your hands on the other and if that's what your relationship is like you need to separate.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Wow, emotionally and physically abusive? you need to leave this scumbag. This "man" is breaking you down mentally, the final sentences of your post really shocked me. You are not to blame here. He is completely at fault. What man punches his wife in the face so hard to give her a black eye? and then he has the gall to ask you to lie for him?

You need to leave.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

You must leave! You NEVER EVER strike a woman regadless of what she's done or said!


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

AmIGuilty, welcome to the TAM forum. The behaviors you describe -- verbal and physical abuse, temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, blame-shifting, always pretending to be "the victim," and black-white thinking -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has.


> The problem is even if I'm tiptoeing on my best behavior, he is always upset at something I do.


That tiptoeing -- which all spouses do who are living with BPDers to avoid triggering their rage -- is called "walking on eggshells." This is why the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to the spouses) is called _Stop Walking on Eggshells._


> This wasn't the first time i've had injuries from a fight but by far the worse.


A 1993 study by a team of psychologists at the Univ. of British Columbia found that 90-100% of the people who batter their spouses have a personality disorder (PD). About half of them have BPD, according to therapist Roger Melton, the author of _Romeo's Bleeding._ (See his article at How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves - Roger Melton, M.A..) Those results are reported in _The Batterer: A Psychological Profile_, a 1995 book by Dr. Donald Dutton (leader of the research team at Univ. of British Columbia).


> I am willing to do whatever it takes to be a better person and not get into these situations again.


The primary reason that caregivers like you and me will stay in these toxic marriages for many years is our mistaken notion that, if we can only figure out what WE are doing wrong, we can restore our spouse to being that wonderful human being we saw at the beginning. We end up in that trap because, as caregivers, we mistakenly believe we can fix things if we work hard enough. Sadly, this is a disastrous attitude to have if your H is a BPDer because it is impossible for you to fix him or to ever make him happy.


> I feel that maybe I am not seeing this situation clearly, and I want to fix it.


To see the situation more clearly, I strongly recommend that you read about the nine BPD traits so you can determine whether your H is exhibiting most of the red flags. Of course, you won't be able to diagnose whether he "has BPD," i.e., has the full-blown disorder. Only a professional can do that. 

This does not mean, however, that you cannot spot the red flags. Before you graduated high school, you already could spot strong selfishness and grandiosity in a person -- without being able to diagnose Narcissistic PD. Similarly, you are fully capable of spotting the BPD traits if they are occurring strongly in your H. There is a world of difference between spotting the red flags and determining whether the traits are so severe as to meet 100% of the diagnostic criteria.

An easy place to start reading, AmIGuilty, is my post describing BPD traits in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss the traits with you and point you to excellent online resources. Take care, AmIGuilty.


----------



## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

amiguilty said:


> I need help because I feel that maybe I am not seeing this situation clearly, and I want to fix it.
> 
> A few weeks ago my husband and I got into a physical fight
> 
> ...


No you don't. You stayed all these years putting up with his crap. You finally left, but then went back for more. How is that being a better person and not getting into these situations?


----------



## amiguilty (Mar 1, 2012)

Thank you for all of your responses...logically I know that things won't change and I need to leave. I've always been a smart and independent woman but it just breaks my heart to give up on my marriage. These things look so much clearer from the outside but I hope to find the strength and peace of mind to follow a plan that will help me find a happier life. Beginning therapy on my own is my first step in this...


----------

