# So why is it an issue now?



## Confused_ (Sep 1, 2017)

My husband and I have been married for 12 years. The other night he turned me down for sex after he had been pursuing me all evening. He said the reason was because he was aware that I had used the restroom some hours before and wanted me to shower first. I know bathroom stuff can be sort of awkward but i swear that this time he's referring to was not bad at all. I am a very clean person and shower everyday because I am sensitive to smells and hygiene. I'm so confused and maybe hurt because I feel that his comment was completly out of character for him and also because this has NEVER been an issue before. My question is why now? Am i being too sensitive? Does it mean something else?


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Have you told him this and asked him why? only he can answer that.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Confused_ said:


> My husband and I have been married for 12 years. The other night he turned me down for sex after he had been pursuing me all evening. He said the reason was because he was aware that I had used the restroom some hours before and wanted me to shower first. I know bathroom stuff can be sort of awkward but i swear that this time he's referring to was not bad at all. I am a very clean person and shower everyday because I am sensitive to smells and hygiene. I'm so confused and maybe hurt because I feel that his comment was completly out of character for him and also because this has NEVER been an issue before. My question is why now? Am i being too sensitive? Does it mean something else?


My two cents:

He was probably planning on trying something different. 

It might have been oral or anal sex or something in between. It could also be that he bought a sex toy, outfit for him to wear or some kind of "attachment" that he wanted to put on while you were in the shower and he chickened out showing it to you.

Tell him that you love the heck out of him, and want to please him, but he needs to give you a bit of a head's up as to when he wants you to shower and what he is planning on doing to you. 

Tell him that he if he wants to, you will even let him join you in the shower to make sure whatever part of your body he wants clean gets extra clean.

Talk to him.

Good luck and don't make too big a deal about it. First time I used a "**** ring" my wife freaked out. Had I known, I might have put it on while she was in the shower and then got under the sheets myself to wait for her.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Geez, I'd be a little taken aback by that too. Hours before, I'm sure you can be trusted to properly clean yourself. It'd feel offensive. 

Maybe he just got out of the mood and wanted to put a reason on it. If he's never had a problem before like that I would try not to think about it or make it into a big thing. You could ask if there was any specific reason it was a problem that night, maybe like Young at Heart says is true that he was planning something.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*He's being totally childish and greatly emblematic of being an immature jerk!

Even if a spouse goes to the bathroom to either urinate or deficate, I would inherently trust them enough to know that they have pride enough that they're going to at least clean themselves up sufficiently prior to engaging in sex! 

Given that, I honestly believe that just about any red-blooded man is simply not going to intentionally withhold any aspect of sex from his lady, whether they choose to engage in sex, oral, or manual sex!*


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## Confused_ (Sep 1, 2017)

Lostme said:


> Have you told him this and asked him why? only he can answer that.


I did but he made me feel like I was crazy for asking him.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Maybe he has a slight neurosis with cleanliness. I'd say its pretty harmless, why not shower again. I always show just before sex.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

Urine (1) is normally germ free when it comes out of a person's body. The other item (2) is full of bacteria, other wise a person couldn't digest food and turn the food into energy.

OK the butt has bacteria on it and some of that rubs around, migrates to the front.

From what I have been reading about urinary tract infections (UTIs) most of the problematic bacteria come from the person's digestive tract.

If your H isn't concerned about UTI's or some smell from bacteria, maybe he likes a "fresh washed smell."


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Doesn't seem like enough information to really go on. Do you normally shower shortly before sex?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

maybe he rubbed one out and was no longer in the mood but was embarrassed to say it.


or pi$$ed that you didn't jump at the chance when he was pursuing you earlier.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Confused_ said:


> My husband and I have been married for 12 years. The other night he turned me down for sex after he had been pursuing me all evening. He said the reason was because he was aware that I had used the restroom some hours before and wanted me to shower first. I know bathroom stuff can be sort of awkward but i swear that this time he's referring to was not bad at all. I am a very clean person and shower everyday because I am sensitive to smells and hygiene. I'm so confused and maybe hurt because I feel that his comment was completly out of character for him and also because this has NEVER been an issue before. My question is why now? Am i being too sensitive? Does it mean something else?


If he was acting turned on all evening and letting you *know* he was ready for "action"later - but then had an about-face once it was playtime, I can only suspect one thing.

Someone decided to check out some porn before 'fun time' to rev up his engine - and got too excited and couldn't help himself and ended up cutting the evening short for both of you. Rather than admit that to you, he took the coward's way out and blamed it on you.

I mean come on, you've been with him for 12 years and you never said he's EVER given you this load of nonsense in the past.


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## Beautiful-day-I-hope (Jul 17, 2015)

I've been with my husband for over 15 yrs and we both trust each other to self care enough that we are clean for sex time.
If my husband had never acted like this before and then out of the blue acted like this, not only would I be very hurt, I would be sitting his butt down and getting to the bottom of what on earth is going on.
I could understand to some degree if you had been together for 1 week but 12 yrs, noooooo, somethings not right here.
Please don't just let it slide, please get to the core of this so you know for the future what to expect.
if it turns out he's become a clean freak then ok, just say so and I'm sure you won't mind showering right before sex but to spring it on you like this, is not nice on any level.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Maybe there was an incident recently that made him sensitive to these things and he hasn't had the courage to tell you about it. 

Long ago, I was doing laundry and came across a pair of my ex's drawers (was my spouse at the time). I became unable to be intimate for quite some time because of what I found.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Magnesium said:


> Long ago, I was doing laundry and came across a pair of my ex's drawers (was my spouse at the time). I became unable to be intimate for quite some time because of what I found.


???


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> ???


Aw man, do I have to say it? Poopstreaks.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Magnesium said:


> Aw man, do I have to say it? Poopstreaks.


Sorry if I made you relive a traumatic experience. There were a number of possibilities. Some men have been traumatized by a little blood down there to the point they had difficulty performing, which I think is silly. I admit "racing stripes" can be a little more off-putting.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Sorry if I made you relive a traumatic experience. There were a number of possibilities. Some men have been traumatized by a little blood down there to the point they had difficulty performing, which I think is silly. I admit "racing stripes" can be a little more off-putting.


:surprise: "Racing stripes" is golden. 

Being a woman, blood doesn't bother me nearly as much. My ex-husband was less than particular about his hygiene. My ex-wife, while very meticulous in her hygiene, was crass and insisted on talking about things in vile terms. Both were extremely off-putting.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Magnesium said:


> Maybe there was an incident recently that made him sensitive to these things and he hasn't had the courage to tell you about it.
> 
> Long ago, I was doing laundry and came across a pair of my ex's drawers (was my spouse at the time). I became unable to be intimate for quite some time because of what I found.


Best option: Loudly proclaim "My God, did you hit a deer with these?"

Second best: Loudly proclaim "Oh lawdy. You must have been racing cause you have skid mark all through your drawers"


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

snerg said:


> Best option: Loudly proclaim "My God, did you hit a deer with these?"
> 
> 
> 
> Second best: Loudly proclaim "Oh lawdy. You must have been racing cause you have skid mark all through your drawers"




Omg...that was so funny I shat my pants 🤣


ETA: oopsie!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Magnesium said:


> :surprise: "Racing stripes" is golden.
> 
> Being a woman, blood doesn't bother me nearly as much. My ex-husband was less than particular about his hygiene. My ex-wife, while very meticulous in her hygiene, was crass and insisted on talking about things in vile terms. Both were extremely off-putting.


You have an ex-husband and an ex-wife? Your therapist must be charging double.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Maybe you were not as clean as you think, sometimes if you smell you are so used to smelling yourself you can't tell. It happens. Are your feelings hurt?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> If he was acting turned on all evening and letting you *know* he was ready for "action"later - but then had an about-face once it was playtime, I can only suspect one thing.
> 
> Someone decided to check out some porn before 'fun time' to rev up his engine - and got too excited and couldn't help himself and ended up cutting the evening short for both of you. Rather than admit that to you, he took the coward's way out and blamed it on you.
> 
> I mean come on, you've been with him for 12 years and you never said he's EVER given you this load of nonsense in the past.


This was a well thought out post, SSGI :surprise:

From the mind, not the heart, not too hard, not too harsh.

And so uncharacteristic....so unlike you.

Are you tired, Dear?
...........................................................

On second blush:

Your were responding to a female poster. 

Uh, I guess I am tired, not thinking...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> You have an ex-husband and an ex-wife? Your therapist must be charging double.


Good eye, good catch, Blondie !
......................................................................................................
I have a third eye, am not a Mason [though I should be].

And no, it is not a snake eye.


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## 00buck (Jun 2, 2016)

Was there any drinking involved? 
If so, I could see where the buzz may have worn off and he was just ready to crash at that point and made up a poor excuse. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

OP, it does seem strange that after 12 years, he can't be honest and up front about WHATEVER it was... I mean, my partner and I have been together for only 1.5 yrs, and we are brutally honest about this stuff. I can easily tell him, hey your junk smells funky, and he'll go wash. Or he'll say, your ph smells off down there (as it sometimes does at the end of my period), so I'm not gonna get too close down there today. Or when he has a hard time keeping it up, we laugh it off and then we do other fun things just for me. And then there was was one time, we went to a club and got the runs at the same time (from something we ate), and ran to adjoining stalls in the unisex bathroom. (It was so romantic! Actually, it was a funny bonding moment.)

I'm not trying to make you feel bad. Or gross you out. I'm trying to make the point that the two of you should be able to talk about ANYTHING. So what's he trying to hide?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I think Chilly Morn hit the ;'nail on the head ' no pun intended  He was horny and could not wait. I would let it go.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> You have an ex-husband and an ex-wife? Your therapist must be charging double.


Yep and ...yep!


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