# Ruined.



## throwaway97 (5 mo ago)

Done.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

That’s a terrible idea on a number of levels.

Of course your wife doesn’t want your friend living with you, it’s ridiculous. The vast majority of people don’t want roommates in their marital home for ****s sake. Nothing positive can come of this situation.
You will of course point out the financial benefit, but it’s completely not worth it.

If she’s not paying any attention to you at home, is she paying attention to him?
You have a very weird dynamic that you better figure out and fix.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

throwaway97 said:


> I (25M) am married to who I consider my best friend (25F). We have only been married for 1 year but we’ve been together for 6 years now. About a year ago, I asked my then girlfriend to move out of state with me into our new home. She wasn’t thrilled with the idea as we would be leaving all of our family behind. I’m not exactly sure if this detail is necessary but I definitely know that it doesn’t help. My wife has told me multiple times that she is not currently happy living far away and it causes her to have a depressive state of mind. What I really think is the tie on knot for heading into a downhill relationship is the following: I let a friend of mine move in with us. To be clear, we discussed this for months prior to him moving in. We agreed that it would be okay as long as he is a clean and respectful roommate. Which he has been as of now. It’s only been a week. However, my wife has yet to have a full conversation with me since he moved in. She does not show any interest in me at all. I know she’s annoyed that we don’t have our place to ourself but I didn’t think she would be this upset. I don’t know how to talk to her because she only says things like “I’m fine and I’m not mad”. But it’s as clear as day that she is highly upset. I feel like I’m slowly ruining my relationship and I need to act fast now.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Big, big mistake IMO, for many reasons. I think you are ruining your marriage. Moving was one thing, but then moving someone into your new home and no time to yourself is a real marriage killer. You're married, not single living with roommates. No way a single man (or woman) should be rooming with a married couple. Show her she is number one by having your friend move out ASAP.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

"Happy wife, happy life" is an old adage that although is not really true in the sense that it puts the happiness of the wife over that of the husband, the true of it is that both of you need to be happy in the relationship in order for it to succeed. A happy medium must be seek and achieved in order to have equilibrium. An unbalance relationship cannot be last or be happy. Remember, it 's your an her responsibility to each seek that happiness. You cannot relay on one person being the source of your happiness...big mistake if you do. You both need to sit down and confer to achieved that what you both seek for happiness in this relationship and stablish goals and boundaries.

Having said that, you made a big mistake in bringing another person into the house. This has the potentiality to backfire on you and the relationship enormously from all aspect, physical, emotional, etc. You as a man don't want to have another man in your house, LEARN THIS NOW.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

How long is your friend staying? I can see helping people out if they’re down and out, but is this temporary?


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

BIGGG HUGE MISTAKE. Loads of marriages have ended because of a lodger moving in. You are risking your marriage over this. Give him 2 weeks notice and talk this over with your wife.

A big risk is this great friend of yours who you trust so much, could end up stealing your wife. Search on here for all the horror stories. Is it worth the risk losing your wife? 

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

throwaway97 said:


> I (25M) am married to who I consider my best friend (25F). We have only been married for 1 year but we’ve been together for 6 years now. About a year ago, I asked my then girlfriend to move out of state with me into our new home. She wasn’t thrilled with the idea as we would be leaving all of our family behind. I’m not exactly sure if this detail is necessary but I definitely know that it doesn’t help. My wife has told me multiple times that she is not currently happy living far away and it causes her to have a depressive state of mind. What I really think is the tie on knot for heading into a downhill relationship is the following: I let a friend of mine move in with us. To be clear, we discussed this for months prior to him moving in. We agreed that it would be okay as long as he is a clean and respectful roommate. Which he has been as of now. It’s only been a week. However, my wife has yet to have a full conversation with me since he moved in. She does not show any interest in me at all. I know she’s annoyed that we don’t have our place to ourself but I didn’t think she would be this upset. I don’t know how to talk to her because she only says things like “I’m fine and I’m not mad”. But it’s as clear as day that she is highly upset. I feel like I’m slowly ruining my relationship and I need to act fast now.


So you guys were married for a year, you moved her to a place where she has no friends or family, is completely alone, and then moved a companion for yourself into the house, who I guess she's expected to cook and clean for. Can't fathom what wife wouldn't love that. 🙄


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Bad idea. You need privacy. Many people can't feel relaxed having someone they don't know well living in their home. I would hate it myself. 
Why is he there? Can't he house share with someone? Stay with someone in his family?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You made a bad decision.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

throwaway97 said:


> About a year ago, I asked my then girlfriend to move out of state with me into our new home. She wasn’t thrilled with the idea as we would be leaving all of our family behind.


Why did you move?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Two very important questions. 
1. Why did you move. 
2. How long is your buddy staying. 
You have screwed up here buddy, you took your wife away from her family and friends and then you moved YOUR friend in. 
Brace yourself because I honestly believe she’s going to leave you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You have enough on your plate being newly married without bringing someone else into the mix. A really bad decision on your part.
Do you have trouble telling people no?
What’s more important your wife and marriage or your friend?


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

throwaway97 said:


> I (25M) am married to who I consider my best friend (25F). We have only been married for 1 year but we’ve been together for 6 years now. About a year ago, I asked my then girlfriend to move out of state with me into our new home. She wasn’t thrilled with the idea as we would be leaving all of our family behind. I’m not exactly sure if this detail is necessary but I definitely know that it doesn’t help. My wife has told me multiple times that she is not currently happy living far away and it causes her to have a depressive state of mind. What I really think is the tie on knot for heading into a downhill relationship is the following: I let a friend of mine move in with us. To be clear, we discussed this for months prior to him moving in. We agreed that it would be okay as long as he is a clean and respectful roommate. Which he has been as of now. It’s only been a week. However, my wife has yet to have a full conversation with me since he moved in. She does not show any interest in me at all. I know she’s annoyed that we don’t have our place to ourself but I didn’t think she would be this upset. I don’t know how to talk to her because she only says things like “I’m fine and I’m not mad”. But it’s as clear as day that she is highly upset. I feel like I’m slowly ruining my relationship and I need to act fast now.


You should tell your friend to leave (with due apologies). His presence in your home is NOT good for your marriage. You and your wife MUST have 'privacy' in your home. Do NOT share your home with another man [in general].


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Hopefully you see from the consensus that bringing in a roommate was a terrible idea. Since it’s only been a week, tell your friend..sorry, I didn’t think this through and you need to find somewhere else to live. Then tell your wife and apologize profusely. 

Second, why did you move..work? Can you make weekend trips back so your wife can visit her family? Maybe a compromise to show her you realize family is important and so is her happiness.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@throwaway97 

As you can tell by the consensus, it wasn't a wise idea, but here you are. Here's the thing: you are young and I hope you are wise enough to learn that making a mistake isn't the problem. When you make a mistake...LEARN FROM IT and then do better next time!! Usually where people run into a problem is they won't admit they were wrong, and they won't learn from their mistakes. 

Moving away from family is not 'necessarily' a bad thing, because the two of you are young and it's reasonable to establish your own household and break those apron-strings, right? But the goal of moving away needs to be a transition from the FORMER family (we sometimes call that the FOO or family of origin) and creating your marriage as the NEW family. So she naturally liked her mom and dad, and had some sort of relationship with her siblings--you too. Now that you two have moved away, the goal that builds your relationship is BUILDING A NEW FAMILY: you and her!! 

So as you can see, moving in your buddy may have been kind (depending on the circumstances) but what you effectively did to her is pull her away from her FOO, didn't take time to build a new family with her, and kind of ditched her for your buddy. Even if you don't spend all your freetime with your buddy ... you have a former friendship with him and so you kept your relationships while expecting her to be torn away from hers and then kinda left her to herself. 

Here's how you fix this. It depends a little on why your buddy is there, but let's assume it's because he ALSO wanted to move away from home and establish 'his own place.' Cool--set a time limit. He can be with you for X weeks and then he must be out. The temptation will be for him to apply for jobs half-heartedly and look at maybe one apartment at a time cuz he's already got a free place with his buddy and a wife who'll pick up after him! DON'T PUT HER IN THAT POSITION!!!!! He's there X weeks and he's out...so she has hope it will end. While he's there, HE does chores and definitely does his own cooking and cleaning after himself. Think of this as a business arrangement, not as "a buddy who you like who is there all the time." 

And while he is there, your focus should be 100% on your wife and doing things with her. If she's doing dishes, YOU do dishes too. If she's doing laundry, you fold with her. If you guys are off work together--go do something fun with her! It doesn't have to be expensive--go to the park and have a picnic. Take a walk together. Play your game WITH HER. The idea...the constant idea...is to build you and her into your family. YOU TWO are family now, and as her husband, you need to build that closeness and attachment with your wife that the two of you used to have with your FOO. This takes effort and time. 

You have a choice to make: build a strong, healthy marriage or be a guy who can't say 'no' to a buddy and ends up divorced.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

throwaway97 said:


> I’m fine and I’m not mad”


this means I am pissed and don't want an argument , she will just claim she's fine, so you stop talking. 



throwaway97 said:


> I asked my then girlfriend to move out of state with me into our new home.


 moving away from your family is the biggest thing you do in your life it is life changing , 
when we moved herm Ireland to France a friend said this is going to be the biggest impact on your relationship ever it will do one of two things make it or brake it , 

adding to that to bring in a 3th person , what the idea was behind that on your floor you now can't talk openly to each other with out bob the sponge there as well , 
unless you want him to sleep with her as well , would not be the first time we had that story


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

No...just ....No.....My Brother in law let his best friend move in...Ended in divorce and his wife pregnant with his BF child.. Your wife can't even be herself with a roommate around. Save your marriage ask your friend to move on...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I haven’t even read any of the follow up posts as I assume they all say the same thing.

moving a friend into the marital home is not only one of the worst things you can do but it is also one of the dumbest.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Oh, and to answer the title of the thread - No you are not slowly ruining your relationship.

you are RAPIDLY destroying it.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Who lets their 'friend' move IN with them when their wife is ALREADY unhappy and you've been married for only a year?????

Who told you that was, in ANY way, a good idea????? Hell, I've been married for 8 years and I wouldn't let my husband's 'friend' move into our house. That's ridiculous.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

throwaway97 said:


> I feel like I’m slowly ruining my relationship and I need to act fast now.


Throwaway my man, take out the word "slowly" and you're spot on. You're going to be doing one of two things, 1. Get rid of the roommate or 2. plan on dealing with a divorce as your wife continues to lose romantic interest in you.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

@throwaway97 since you’re new here you may not know this.

TAM regular posters rarely all agree on a post.

Congratulations on being such a unifier.

And yea, you are killing your marriage. Reverse course asap!!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

throwaway97 said:


> I (25M) am married to who I consider my best friend (25F). We have only been married for 1 year but we’ve been together for 6 years now. About a year ago, I asked my then girlfriend to move out of state with me into our new home. She wasn’t thrilled with the idea as we would be leaving all of our family behind. I’m not exactly sure if this detail is necessary but I definitely know that it doesn’t help. My wife has told me multiple times that she is not currently happy living far away and it causes her to have a depressive state of mind. What I really think is the tie on knot for heading into a downhill relationship is the following: I let a friend of mine move in with us. To be clear, we discussed this for months prior to him moving in. We agreed that it would be okay as long as he is a clean and respectful roommate. Which he has been as of now. It’s only been a week. However, my wife has yet to have a full conversation with me since he moved in. She does not show any interest in me at all. I know she’s annoyed that we don’t have our place to ourself but I didn’t think she would be this upset. I don’t know how to talk to her because she only says things like “I’m fine and I’m not mad”. But it’s as clear as day that she is highly upset. I feel like I’m slowly ruining my relationship and I need to act fast now.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Dude your wife is not an accessory to your life, like your car or something. She is your partner and you better start making decisions with her wellbeing as the primary focus or you are going to be divorced or worse.

Another thing, never move your potential competition into your house, friend of not. Tell him he needs to find another place to live.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I can’t decide which one is worse …. a guy who thinks moving a buddy into the house of his fresh marriage is a good idea …. or a guy who doesn’t actually want that new wife and house all to himself

Seriously…. It’s like the worst idea EVER !!!

PS … originally the first sentence of my post I was going to tell you how unbelievably stupid you are but I decided to be pleasant instead ….Have a nice day ❤


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

throwaway97 said:


> I (25M) am married to who I consider my best friend (25F). We have only been married for 1 year but we’ve been together for 6 years now. About a year ago, I asked my then girlfriend to move out of state with me into our new home. She wasn’t thrilled with the idea as we would be leaving all of our family behind. I’m not exactly sure if this detail is necessary but I definitely know that it doesn’t help. My wife has told me multiple times that she is not currently happy living far away and it causes her to have a depressive state of mind. What I really think is the tie on knot for heading into a downhill relationship is the following: I let a friend of mine move in with us. To be clear, we discussed this for months prior to him moving in. We agreed that it would be okay as long as he is a clean and respectful roommate. Which he has been as of now. It’s only been a week. However, my wife has yet to have a full conversation with me since he moved in. She does not show any interest in me at all. I know she’s annoyed that we don’t have our place to ourself but I didn’t think she would be this upset. I don’t know how to talk to her because she only says things like “I’m fine and I’m not mad”. But it’s as clear as day that she is highly upset. I feel like I’m slowly ruining my relationship and I need to act fast now.


I have some questions.

Does your wife have a job? Or is she at home by herself while you are at work?

Why did you move?

What sort of things do you and your wife do together and how often do you do them?


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

My brother and his fiancé moved in a friend to help him out. We all told him that was stupid; he thought we were ridiculous. Guess who’s not his fiancé anymore? And they (the cheaters) didn’t even end up together. This isn’t the friend’s fault. So talk to your wife, apologize, a lot, and make a timeline for him to actually leave. Soon. Apologize to him too. And stick to it. Then start acting like an adult husband.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

In OP's defence, and God knows he needs one, his wife agreed to the friend moving in. I think it was a stupid thing to do too, but she did agree. OP is a young, new husband, not well versed in "wife speak" yet  Wifey could have avoided all this if she had just been honest with him to start with, that she didn't want the friend moving in.

As for the rest, why did you move away from family OP? Is moving back an option?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

There is a lot more going on here than just moving in a friend , Wife is not happy and the communication is at a low , it is time to get into MC if you can not get her to talk to you ,
the I am fine is not good 
A woman often uses this expression to see if you can figure out exactly why she is feeling this way, she doesn't want it to turn into an argument .

You'r wife is weighing up if she is going to stay where she is or leave and go back to where she came from , 

are you taking her home often enough to her family on holidays , to reconnect , 
the friend is just one think not wanting to see how things are is another , 
to me you seem to be the one driving the relationship and she is along for the ride , 
she liked you but now the real life is setting in ,
and the life you see for you two is not the life she see or wants , 
she likes you but does not like where your going with your life and what ever is bringing you to where you set up house ,you could well give the next 15 years in the in fine mode but you know by the tone of her voice and her actions she is not fine 

or you could agree to put your wife first and the job first house and what ever second , if she can't hack it and goes for divorce the house is gone any way


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