# I have a date?!?



## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Ok, so maybe Conrad was right......I do need to change my moniker. For the first time in over 14 years, I have a date with someone other than my wife. (or ex wife soon to be in 30 days) Things have most certainly changed for me over the last couple of months as I have totally invested in myself and taking care of my needs...this brings about a very important thing to men.

It gives you clarity. My stbx is someone that, quite honestly, I don't want to be with. She hasn't changed as a person. If she was to turn around in our relationship, she would still have the same communication issues, the same motivation issues, the same twisted personality. Why be in a relationship with someone who can't help themselves? It is a drain on you. NICE GUYS...hear this. Get rid of your insecurity and feel good about you!

I have been sleeping in the spare bedroom for 6 months and going through this BS since 9/2010. It is time for me to get MY NEEDS MET! I just signed my lease on the new apartment and move in next month. Signed the divorce papers that should have been filed yesterday or thursday. 

The new girl....divorced for 5 years...2 kids...however, has a career that she is passionate about. Intelligent, self driven, someone that I could possibly compliment instead of propping up by being her "pillar". The conversations are very intellectual, and we line up on the spiritual side. FAR CRY from being a partner with a SAHM. So, here is to drinks, food, and good conversation.............finally.......with no expectations or pressure. If it works, it works. If it doesn't, oh well. I am looking forward to being a bachelor anyway.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

Sounds good to me.

The only thing I'd caution is that it is an absolute fact that somehow you contributed to the marriage problems and probably way more significantly than simply "being too nice". Now is probably a really good time for some deep introspection and personal growth so that whatever those things are, you root them out before you try again.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Nice!! Now, change your screen name.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

"Dedicated2Me" or "Dedicated2Life"


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

You go, guy. There is nothing like attention from the opposite sex to boost our mood and remind us that we are still attractive and have something to offer. When you are mired in a bad relationship, you can lose hope that there is joy in life. It is all about outlook, and yours sounds positive now.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hope it goes well for you
DG
x


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> The only thing I'd caution is that it is an absolute fact that somehow you contributed to the marriage problems and probably way more significantly than simply "being too nice". Now is probably a really good time for some deep introspection and personal growth so that whatever those things are, you root them out before you try again.


I hear you. You don't know my story. I took full responsibility for all of this. Actually, too much responsibility. 1.5 years of IC later. I realize it was 50/50. It was definitely more than being too nice, however, it was a combination of her problems in addition to mine that led to the toxicity. I have changed. I am happy. I am a new person. She has not changed. In fact, she has gone backwards. Therefore, we cannot have a new relationship. I am cool with that. However, I will not live in guilt anymore.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I remember when we used to argue about whether it's a "process"

It IS a process, but it can't be driven by only one person.

IF the other person is committed to the relationship, they'll let you know - and quickly.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> I remember when we used to argue about whether it's a "process"
> 
> It IS a process, but it can't be driven by only one person.
> 
> IF the other person is committed to the relationship, they'll let you know - and quickly.


Absolutely. In my situation, it is more than her just not being committed to the relationship. She just isn't committed to much of anything. A person who is passionless in their daily life ends up not being very happy. I hope she gets better, but I am moving on with life.

She looked at me after we went through the papers. She said, "I am not well. I hit you with anything I could think of to blame you for our problems. You changed. You are so different. BUT, I cannot forget. I cannot forgive or accept the new you. Something is wrong with me. I hope to be better one day, but today is just not that day." 

It was at that moment I had an epiphany. This had nothing to do with me. It might have started that way, but it was no longer the case.


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

*whispering* pssst...I have a feeling some sahm's might not take kindly to the insinuation that they are stupid, unmotivated and can't hold an intellectual conversation. 

that being said...it makes me happy to hear people moving on from their bad times and finding happiness again. Good for you!


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

I can cry from your post. I can cry because it's all I can do for my wife to wake up and see what type of misery she lives in... that's all I can do. I don't want to leave her. But I can't help her unless she want to help herself...


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> *whispering* pssst...I have a feeling some sahm's might not take kindly to the insinuation that they are stupid, unmotivated and can't hold an intellectual conversation.



Should have put this differently......It is a far cry from dealing with my particular SAHM. She hasn't always been this way. The miscarriage 2.5 years ago changed her, and she really hasn't recovered.

Date went well, though. Meeting for coffee this week.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Absolutely. In my situation, it is more than her just not being committed to the relationship. She just isn't committed to much of anything. A person who is passionless in their daily life ends up not being very happy. I hope she gets better, but I am moving on with life.
> 
> She looked at me after we went through the papers. She said, *"I am not well. I hit you with anything I could think of to blame you for our problems.* You changed. You are so different. BUT, I cannot forget. I cannot forgive or accept the new you. Something is wrong with me. I hope to be better one day, but today is just not that day."
> 
> It was at that moment I had an epiphany. This had nothing to do with me. It might have started that way, but it was no longer the case.


Well she certainly demonstrated an amazing amount of personal insight.

It sounds like she’s pathologically embittered. Which means the resentment she feels against you is of an unreasonable nature. In that the majority of the population would have been able to forgive, she’s in the very small minority that can’t and so they become embittered.

It is as a direct result of exceedingly poor anger management. Instead of confronting the issues between you she held on to them and let them fester as a way of deliberately punishing you at a later time.

So when she did hurt you, it was in a premeditated way. In that a few days before she hurt you she actually sat down and planned it all out. It’s exceedingly devious and they plan it such that you just don’t know where it comes from and so you cannot hold them responsible. What you do know is you are deeply hurt and the normal response to that is anger, sometimes very intense anger.

Additionally if you were to have stayed with her she would have held you to be the man you once were. So instead of helping you with your growth through your life, she would have quite literally stunted your growth. And that stunted growth would have lasted as long as you two stayed together. It’s one of the reasons why it’s such a blessing to be away from such a person. We are literally free to grow away from their constraints, their shackles and bonds.



It never was anything to do with you. It simply never was. Sure you got things wrong and sure you hurt your wife. We all do in one way or another, just as our wives hurt us. It happens most especially when in love. But your wife should have worked through the issues with you until she reached a point of understanding and forgiveness.

Your wife didn’t do that and hung onto everything that went wrong as though they were the crown jewels. What went wrong was the way your wife manages her anger. Your wife took the path of revenge instead of the path of forgiveness. And as such she was always going to be angry even though you may never have known it.


These things came as a direct result from her parents. It was her parents or carers who taught her how to manage her anger is such very sick and abusive ways.



I wouldn’t hold out much hope for your wife though. Her statements of she cannot forget and she cannot forgive should be taken extremely literally as though they are written in steel. That is the person she is. She cannot even forgive the person she was living with and professed to love and she’ll take that into her next relationship. And woe betide that man because he’ll get the exact same you got.

But then again she recognises that she is not well. So maybe there is some hope for her.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

AFEH said:


> Well she certainly demonstrated an amazing amount of personal insight.
> 
> It sounds like she’s pathologically embittered. Which means the resentment she feels against you is of an unreasonable nature. In that the majority of the population would have been able to forgive, she’s in the very small minority that can’t and so they become embittered.
> 
> ...


I actually disagree with some of what you write here. People with very poor emotional abilities (such as his wife, and mine ) are not planning. In fact, when they are under normal condition, they do realize that they are wrong and not acting the way they should. Yet, when put under pressure, they forgot everything they said and switch back to doing all wrong things.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

joshbjoshb said:


> I actually disagree with some of what you write here. People with very poor emotional abilities (such as his wife, and mine ) are not planning. In fact, when they are under normal condition, they do realize that they are wrong and not acting the way they should. Yet, when put under pressure, they forgot everything they said and switch back to doing all wrong things.


Of course a loving and doting husband will not want his mind to even begin to think that the pain he gets from his wife is premeditated and well thought out and is linked to something he did years ago.


You're far too good, far too nice, supportive, loving etc. etc. for that to ever happen to you. Right?

Read Awareness by Anthony de Mello and after a while you may just understand what's going on in your marriage.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Maybe I was rushing to judgment, but perhaps you were too.

Well, I am not nearly as nice as I was, I am very aware of my wife's action. I used to be a nice guy and feel I am actually to blame, not any more. We are having many deep conversations about the topic, and whenever she comes up with the "you are to blame" line, very calmly I remind her how she is just never happy with anything, and how so many times she ended up sounding like such a fool when she blames me for stuff she does herself.

The thing is, it's always on those conversations that we reach a point where she agrees. Well, not enough to tell me "I am sorry for making your miserable for such a long time" (she used to, but since I am not a nice guy anymore I learned not to be affected by her moods).

But she does try to say more thank you, more "I am sorry" which are both things she didn't do much before I stopped being a nice guy.

And yet, whenever she is angry, she can be back to her original self and act like crazy.

Which teaches me that this is the anger issue she doesn't know how to control. On the intellectual level she knows very well what she is doing wrong. But it is the emotions she has no freaking clue what to do with. 

I always think of her emotions like a very rough sea. Imagine you being in one, this is so easy to lose control and freak out?

Of course this is not a reason to continue and be like that. She needs to seek help how to deal with rough seas. She needs to learn that. It's hard when you grew up in a home that all the mother did was to be negative all day.

Again, every person is different. I do believe that when the anger and blaming is premeditated, the situation is much more grave since you are married to a rude person. However, most times it's not - it's just someone who doesn't know how to deal with emotions.

My 2 cents.

(Do you have change?)


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Change from 2 cents. You must be joking. Is that how you handle people who try and help you, in such abusive ways.

Reckon you deserve all that comes your way.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> Well she certainly demonstrated an amazing amount of personal insight.
> 
> It sounds like she’s pathologically embittered. Which means the resentment she feels against you is of an unreasonable nature. In that the majority of the population would have been able to forgive, she’s in the very small minority that can’t and so they become embittered.
> 
> ...


The stunted growth.....so true. When I am away from her I flourish, when I am in the same home she brings me down to her level of no desire, no passion. 

Yeah, I do realize alot of this was planned out. She even admits to it. She knows she can't have a functional relationship with anyone. She has said, "I have held things against you that you didn't even know about." Her path is one of avoidance, anger, bitterness, and woundedness. It is hard for me to see, because I do want the best for her. As long as I am around, I am a reminder to her that I have risen above the crap. I also shield her from reality by picking up so much of the slack in the relationship and in life. 

I need someone to compliment me, not to have total reliance on me. She needs to learn how to function as an individual. Hopefully, she uses this time to heal and learn.

Joshb, while you are emotionally invested in your wife, you cannot look at these things through a clear scope.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

AFEH, are you divorced as well? If yes, I'd say that both of us - you and me - are looking at it very subjectively, with you of course trying to justify your divorce, and me trying to justify the lack of it. If you decided to leave your wife, you would rather think that she is bad than that she is sick and can't help herself.

Same goes to you, dedicated.

Now, it's not that I accuse you of not being helpful, supportive or anything like that. Being married to one, I know quite well what type of though life did you have. But it's fine to say "she was just so emotionally sick, that hurt me and I had to leave her since she wouldn't seek help and just drag me down as well". That's fine. But I don't think you have to think she was mean and rude and all evil in the world in order to justify your divorce...


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

josh, "justify" my divorce????? My wife is the petitioner, not me. I busted my butt for 2 years to fix things while she did nothing. This was her plan all along. While I was trying to fix things, she was using the time to punish me until it becomes apparent to me and everyone around us who the true problem is.

It was the therapist that looked her in the eye and told her, "If you cannot provide your husband what he needs and deserves especially considering what I have seen as a faithful commitment to changing and the marriage, you have to let him go." Period. 

You are not looking at this through an objective scope. I have to accept things as they truly are. I have spent the past 6 months since it became inevitable in complete detachment from my wife. I am not trying to justify anything because I am not divorcing her. She is me. I am adhering to biblical principles in letting her go and not being in bondage.

I could make the argument that you are manipulating your marriage because you desire for your wife to act a certain way towards you. I've done it. Your desire to be married creates a "shielded view" of your relationship with your wife. Once you let go of your own personal desires, you can see it clearly. It is about "acceptance" of what truly is instead of trying to be untrue to yourself because you want to make yourself "feel" better about your spouse.

2 years in front of a unbiased party (therapist) showed the trueness that I have been unwilling to accept. My wife, the person I trusted, is incapable in her current state of a loving relationship. When faced with this in the session, she broke down and admitted it. That is why I agree with AFEH. I saw it.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

I am sorry if I sounded offensive.

All I said was that "she" doesn't have to be evil in order for the marriage not to succeed. Could be that she is simply sick, can't help herself. It sounds like your x was like that.

AFEH was claiming that you ex was doing it on purpose. It doesn't matter to you - you were hurt, and she acted in a way she shouldn't. I said that I don't think it's on purpose - but the results still might be the same.

I really liked your line " My wife, the person I trusted, is incapable in her current state of a loving relationship"


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> I am sorry if I sounded offensive.
> 
> All I said was that "she" doesn't have to be evil in order for the marriage not to succeed. Could be that she is simply sick, can't help herself. It sounds like your x was like that.
> 
> ...


It depends on what you mean "on purpose". My wife does want me to flourish based upon her external words and what she puts out there in communication. Her absolute unwillingness to pursue getting better and developing even though she doesn't want to be the way she is--------is purposeful. You either purpose yourself to improve or you purpose yourself to stay the same. I changed. It was HARD, but I did it on purpose. My wife, stayed the same and didn't face her issues, she did it on purpose. Whether it was driven by fear or anger or bitterness, she makes a decision everyday to be that way and not become a better person. This is an internal issue she has, and I can tell you---------your wife probably has it also. 

Life happens. We choose how we respond to it. Not facing our "wounds" in life kills our core. There is one thing you can control----effort. Do the action, do the action, learn, learn, and learn. Then, it will change you on the inside. That is purposeful. You choose to be lazy and not deal with your emotions. (not meaing you, but anyone)


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Dedicated2Her said:


> The stunted growth.....so true. When I am away from her I flourish, when I am in the same home she brings me down to her level of no desire, no passion.
> 
> Yeah, I do realize alot of this was planned out. She even admits to it. She knows she can't have a functional relationship with anyone. She has said, *"I have held things against you that you didn't even know about."* Her path is one of avoidance, anger, bitterness, and woundedness. It is hard for me to see, because I do want the best for her. As long as I am around, I am a reminder to her that I have risen above the crap. I also shield her from reality by picking up so much of the slack in the relationship and in life.
> 
> ...


They do know what they are doing. They have no desire to stop and do things in other ways even if it means losing the one they profess to love.


They are exceedingly self-aware and that’s the truly frightening part. 


Well done for seeing the light.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Get your point. Yet lack of action isn't really as purposeful as action.

In other words, she is to blame for not seeking help. But it's much different than saying "she was planning to hurt you". She wasn't. She was just so sick emotionally and she did.

Yes, her refusal to seek help is major and she is to blame for that, no one else.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

Good luck! A new beginning


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## PrincessMarie (Feb 22, 2012)

You should probably forget the date so you don't end up messing up another woman's life. Figure out who the hell you are and why your marriage ended because of YOU first. It takes two to tango and two to screw up a marriage, so actually think before you start other things.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> Figure out who the hell you are and why your marriage ended because of YOU first. It takes two to tango and two to screw up a marriage, so actually think before you start other things.


This is truth...



> You should probably forget the date so you don't end up messing up another woman's life.


However, your true colors show up in this statement. Do me a favor. In the future if you respond to a thread I am involved in, please feel free to read the entire thread. After so much individual therapy, mentoring, etc., do you not think I have a grasp on what my shortcomings were? I am firmly secure in my identity and who I am. Perhaps you missed this part of the thread that I wrote:



> I hear you. You don't know my story. I took full responsibility for all of this. Actually, too much responsibility. 1.5 years of IC later. I realize it was 50/50. It was definitely more than being too nice, however, it was a combination of her problems in addition to mine that led to the toxicity. I have changed. I am happy. I am a new person. She has not changed. In fact, she has gone backwards. Therefore, we cannot have a new relationship. I am cool with that. However, I will not live in guilt anymore.


Perhaps you need to deal with why you would make a statement like this to someone without knowing the whole story: 



> You should probably forget the date so you don't end up messing up another woman's life.


I may be wrong, but this wreaks of bitterness. So please explain this to me. How long must I sit around figuring out who I am? 3-4 years? I'm already almost to 2 years. Conrad said something that struck me a while back: "D2H, just remember you are not a priest."
He is right. I am just a man. Who has walked a very narrow path and laid everything down for my family throughout my ordeal. I have focused on myself and my pathetic existence as a man before all this, however, SHE IS RUINING HER LIFE AS OF NOW........not me. You make a choice everyday. Will I forgive? Will I work on me? Will I push and become who God called me to be? Will I do the actions even if I don't feel like it? 

Messing up another womans life? Really? If I don't go out and deal with the emotional walls I have built up while I worked on myself, I will be stuck in a bubble. I choose not to be a coward. Life is too short.


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