# How do YOU know when it’s over?



## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

Examples, please.

When do _you _know that your relationship is not going to work out? When it’s dead in the water?

For me, it’s when I get to where I can’t stand the sound of my _own_ voice when talking to them.

When I hear myself saying things that I wouldn’t say to someone I actually still liked. Thus, making me feel bad about _myself._ When my blood starts boiling when they open their mouth because I know they’re going to blame me, gaslight me, and bring out the worst in me. When I know that any interaction with them is going to be yet _another_ ride on the ferris wheel of ‘here we go again.’


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

When I don't want to have sex with them anymore.

When I often don't like them.

When I often resent them.

When I am sick of being with them.

When the sex is consistently mediocre to poor.

When kissing them has lost its fun.

When they have cheated on me sexually, in person with someone else and I know about it.

Any of the above is sufficient for me to end a sexual relationship.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

When the thought of them cheating on you brings relief....


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## Angelwanderer (Mar 20, 2018)

When you find yourself driving home from your place of daily employment and know that you're about to go and do some hard work. -A

Wrote a letter about my troubled marriage. It became a novel (SEETHINGS), mostly fiction wink. Read it on Smashwords for free.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

When the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

C.C. says ... said:


> When I hear myself saying things that I wouldn’t say to someone I actually still liked.


When I asked what his ****girl saw in him, then didn't care, bc I realized right then I didn't like who he was and wondered why I was fighting for our marriage.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

when you kiss and you can't decide if they are an android or a pod person.


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## waynejoey (Jun 8, 2018)

C.C. says ... said:


> Examples, please.
> 
> When do _you _know that your relationship is not going to work out? When it’s dead in the water?
> 
> ...


I am sorry for your marriage and that you have made it to this point. If it is of any consolation, this happens in many, many marriages. The good news is that there is always hope, right up until anyone signs on the dotted line, and even after that, reconciliation is always possible.

Do you have kids?

I once was on a ferris wheel of arguments. After many years of having church neatly placed in its box, I decided to make a change. There was a voice that spoke to me: "I am the only way". I rededicated my life to Jesus on that day and followed him in obedience ever since. My marriage went from dead to thriving, but it took several months for me to break off bad habits and become more disciplined.

I'll give you another example. A friend of mine recently had the same issue. His marriage was on the brink of divorce BUT, he had a much stronger foundation in God than I did at my time of trouble. In a matter of DAYS, they reconciled and starting moving forward. That right there is the power of obedience and fervent prayer among righteous men.

Praise God, with Him all things are possible and love never fails (yep, those are bible verses, look them up).

Walk in victory brother, you got this!


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

waynejoey said:


> I am sorry for your marriage and that you have made it to this point. If it is of any consolation, this happens in many, many marriages. The good news is that there is always hope, right up until anyone signs on the dotted line, and even after that, reconciliation is always possible.
> 
> Do you have kids?
> 
> ...


Hi.  thanks for the reply. I’m not presently married, no. Mostly because I’m very independent and my rose colored glasses always end up fogging up somehow. But that’s another story. I don’t have any children.

It was more of a general question about the _defining_ moment when you just knew that it wasn’t going to work out or that you didn’t want to waste any more energy on it. Or when you looked at them finally and just said hell no.

I’m sure it’s a lot harder when you’re married to just walk away. Theres a lot of red tape and paperwork. Maybe kids involved. I give you props for sticking with it. I find myself sticking with relationships a lot longer than I should. Luckily the defining moments are easier to spot for me now and I won’t hang in like I used to.

I’m glad that God helped you find peace. I sometimes give my problems to God as well and somehow they have a way of working out.

“Pray to God but row for the shore.”


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Before meeting my SO, I'd only really had one other years-long relationship. That ended when I realized that when he said he'd "do anything" to keep me, what he really meant was that he'd _say_ anything. Actual doing? Not so much. 

Since then, I've cut bait on any relationship just as soon as I saw red flags or realized I just didn't like the guy as a person.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

When I realized she not only didn’t want a romantic and affectionate relationship, she didn’t even want to want one.

I should have seen it and accepted it sooner.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

_Deleted_ TMI. 🥴


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Might be better to keep religious posts in the religious section. Speaking as a moderator riding home on a bus.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

For me, I knew it was over when I would experience a *general sense of dread* when I remembered I was married to her, and a sense of hope when I fantasized of being divorced (or - I'm sad to admit - widowed). Or even MORE outrageous ways of being separated, like getting drafted into the Marines & shipped off to Afghanistan, or being shipwrecked on a desert island, like Tom Hanks in _Cast Away._

at that point, you know it's only a matter of _when _not _if _you get divorced.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

When I realized the only time I was happy, as in feeling really good kind of happy, was when he wasn't around.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Prodigal said:


> When the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving.


100% this. It was a devastating decision, but I couldn’t continue the misery one more day.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

When I can’t imagine there is anything she could offer to do that would make me hopeful change would occur, or make me feel obligated in some way to stay longer and see if it has some effect (E.g. seek Individual or marriage Counseling, schedule intimacy, promise to stop giving me zero affection, seek dates or trips together, read books, be brutally honest about her EA that who knows was “just” an EA, take ownership of any of our problems).

Im to the point where there really feels like there is nothing “potentially positive” that could make me be open to spending more of my life with her.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I knew it was over when I started thinking about other men and the thought of him with another woman didn't even phase me.

If I'm into a man I don't give much thought beyond surface appreciation to other men. When I'm in I'm all in.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I knew I was done when I could no longer think of being with him another moment. It took a lot for me to get there but once I did I never rethought ending it. I just felt relieved that it was finally time for me to start a new life.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

When the initial love goes cold and the incompatibility of the relationship, at last, becomes clear, and blatantly glares bold at you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> I knew it was over when I started thinking about other men *and the thought of him with another woman didn't even phase me.*
> 
> If I'm into a man I don't give much thought beyond surface appreciation to other men. When I'm in I'm all in.


I agree, a good reply.

At that point you almost wish that your spouse would find someone else to annoy. (torment?).
They would then be out of your hair.


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

Sorry for resurrecting an older thread. I have a good one. I knew it was over when my ex got in a screaming match with our marriage counselor and then stormed out of the building, punching walls and slamming so many doors that the receptionist called the counselor's office to make sure we were okay and no one was hurt. We'd been in counseling for many reasons, but mostly because I was afraid of my ex's angry, violent outbursts. Yeah.

It was horrifying and embarrassing back then. It's kind of darkly hilarious now.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

Chaotic said:


> Sorry for resurrecting an older thread. I have a good one. I knew it was over when my ex got in a screaming match with our marriage counselor and then stormed out of the building, punching walls and slamming so many doors that the receptionist called the counselor's office to make sure we were okay and no one was hurt. We'd been in counseling for many reasons, but mostly because I was afraid of my ex's angry, violent outbursts. Yeah.
> 
> It was horrifying and embarrassing back then. It's kind of darkly hilarious now.


I endured something similar, though not as extreme; our last MC called my XW out on some things, and told her if she wanted to have a happy marriage, she just needed to stop behaving that way, period. No "horse trading"... her behavior was abusive and driving us apart.

The first time it happened, my XW seemed shocked. she liked to triangulate and draw third parties into our conflicts, and was expecting the counselor to at least offer her a "_both of you need to do better_" type of response she could use as grounds to keep the fighting going, when inevitably I didn't meet her expectations on what I needed to do better.

The next time it happened, my XW started actually yelling at the MC... who ended the session with a look on her face that said "_You're NOT paying me enough to sit through this crap._"

it was our last session; XW refused to go back. we divorced a couple months later.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My then-husband once left our male MC gaping in glassy-eyed, slack-jawed silence at him with the sheer overwhelming force of his oblivious narcissism. I mean, you know it's pretty bad when a guy who's spent over 17 years of 8-10 hour days listening to people screwing up their marriages, is just left aghast at your partner's never-before-encountered level of self-centered entitlement. 

You never want to hear a stunned and marveling, "Wow. I've never seen/heard anything like that before," from your mechanic, your doctor, or your marriage counselor. Ever.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This isn’t my experience but just told this story on another thread about a buddy of mine.

I hadn’t seen him in many many years and we got together several years ago while he was in the middle of a divorce. 

He was telling me she had moved into another part of the house and they basically hadn’t interacted favorably for a long time. 

She barely ever spoke to him or would be around him in the house but when he did see her he noticed that she had been losing weight, doing her hair, new clothes etc.

One day he came across her polishing her neatly trimmed toenails. 

His words to me were, “ I knew right then it was over and that someone must have been sucking on them because she had never done that in 20 years we were together and she normally had nasty bear claws.”


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I have kind of an interesting one from my younger days. 

I had had a GF for a year or so but things had been getting kind of rocky for awhile and the writing was getting to be on the wall for both of us.

Also another girl had started to enter the picture and things had been heating up there the last few weeks. 

One night my GF confronted me and said, and I quote, “ I know you are seeing someone else because you have been a lot happier and in a lot better mood lately.” 

I was taken aback by that statement and was about to try to defend myself because I hadn’t actually hooked up with the other girl yet.

But then I stopped and began to think about the significance of what she was saying and upon further thought, realized she was right. I had been happier and in a better mood since meeting the other girl. 

That was the ah hah! moment brought to me by my STBX.


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

When you walk on eggshells around him... something you said yesterday was perfectly acceptable... today, he flies off the handle.

When you ask yourself can i live like this with this person for another 30 years.... and your answer is hell no.

When he trips you thinking its a joke and stays sitting on the couch staring at you winded on the floor with a look of contempt... and when you recover and ask why he didn’t help you up and he says he has an ear infection..... I couldn’t come back from this.


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

Hope this does not offend but reading all the replies makes me thankful I'm single.

Some are downright sad and depressing.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

rockon said:


> Hope this does not offend but reading all the replies makes me thankful I'm single.
> 
> Some are downright sad and depressing.


Most of the threads here in general make me feel this way. Sad and empathetic yet happy for my freedom. When you offer up your heart to another on a silver platter, I’ve found that they usually make quite the feast of it.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

rockon said:


> Hope this does not offend but reading all the replies makes me thankful I'm single.
> 
> Some are downright sad and depressing.


because this is not a place for happy couples


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> This isn’t my experience but just told this story on another thread about a buddy of mine.
> 
> I hadn’t seen him in many many years and we got together several years ago while he was in the middle of a divorce.
> 
> ...


Oh gawd, the image of bear claws has me aflutter.

Bears poop openly in the woods, she is now contemplating an out of her marriage, finding an outhouse to do her business.

Even ogres need some loving.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Or, one could say we all are learning from conversations here, and it's making good marriages great, great marriages the best, and yes highlights some Ms that should end.

A little something for all.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> This isn’t my experience but just told this story on another thread about a buddy of mine.
> 
> I hadn’t seen him in many many years and we got together several years ago while he was in the middle of a divorce.
> 
> ...


Oh gawd, the image of bear claws has me aflutter.

Bears poop openly in the woods, she is now contemplating an out of her marriage, finding an outhouse to do her business.

Even ogres need some loving.


rockon said:


> Hope this does not offend but reading all the replies makes me thankful I'm single.
> 
> Some are downright sad and depressing.


Such, can this life....be.

Be, if you take it too seriously.
Roll with the punches, and laugh at your situation.
Misery is said to love company.

If you are happy, misery goes elsewhere.
Sounds stupidly simple, 

Such, can this life...be.


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

rockon said:


> Hope this does not offend but reading all the replies makes me thankful I'm single.
> 
> Some are downright sad and depressing.


I too am now separated, and so relieved. 
Shared a few of many situations that led to me walking away from a 35 year marriage.
Hopefully will help other readers make the decision that is right for them.
Despite being in the thick of all the complicated legal proceedings right now, i have never been happier.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Rowan said:


> *My then-husband once left our male MC gaping in glassy-eyed, slack-jawed silence at him with the sheer overwhelming force of his oblivious narcissism.* I mean, you know it's pretty bad when a guy who's spent over 17 years of 8-10 hour days listening to people screwing up their marriages, is just left aghast at your partner's never-before-encountered level of self-centered entitlement.
> 
> You never want to hear a stunned and marveling, *"Wow. I've never seen/heard anything like that before,"* from your mechanic, your doctor, or your marriage counselor. Ever.


Would it be possible for you to post what it was your ex shared that so stunned the MC? Nosy people want to know. It may give someone an 'aha' moment.


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

rockon said:


> Hope this does not offend but reading all the replies makes me thankful I'm single.
> 
> Some are downright sad and depressing.





cma62 said:


> I too am now separated, and so relieved.
> Shared a few of many situations that led to me walking away from a 35 year marriage.
> Hopefully will help other readers make the decision that is right for them.
> Despite being in the thick of all the complicated legal proceedings right now, i have never been happier.


I originally came to this forum to get advice during what turned out to be the dying days of a very dysfunctional marriage. After separation and divorce and a fair amount of therapy, I met a man who had also been through a dysfunctional marriage, divorce and therapy, and we're now 3 years into what is so far the healthiest and most satisfying relationship I've ever been in. I came back to these forums to browse for tips and perspectives to maybe make my current relationship even better. So....there are a lot of sad and depressing stories, but hopefully there are some happy endings too.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

C.C. says ... said:


> Most of the threads here in general make me feel this way. Sad and empathetic yet happy for my freedom. When you offer up your heart to another on a silver platter, I’ve found that they usually make quite the feast of it.


Try not to focus on this...because it's not a true representation of how other people really are, and you could miss out on some wonderful experiences by closing yourself off this way! Most people are just trying to do the best they can with what they have in their own hearts...and it's always the best way to connect with others, by continuing to offer your heart, in friendship and/or romance...it's worth the risk!!


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

When you realize they are never going to change and you don't even care enough to argue with them anymore.


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