# Tired of Mother in Law Living With Us



## gvn2fly202 (Dec 19, 2018)

Hello everyone,

The title basically says it all. My mother in law has been living with us for almost 5 years. She is from the another country and the plan was originally for her to just visit, but she was denied a U.S. tourist visa twice so it was just easier for my wife (a U.S. citizen) to petition her to receive permanent resident status. At that time, I asked how long she would be staying and made it clear I didn't want it to be permanently, but never got a firm answer. Ever since she moved in, i have felt like a prisoner in my own house to varying degrees, although it's not as bad now as it was in the first few years. I work from home so have to see her all the time. She wakes up at 6 AM and always just hangs around in the kitchen or living room so she's usually the first person I see after I wake up. She tries to tell me when to eat and what to eat. When she first moved in I would be in teleconferences in my home office and she would repeatedly knock on the door and tell me to eat and ignore me when I said I was busy. When I was playing with my son, she used to basically ignore me and start telling him it's time for bed, or its time to eat. Even when I would ask her to stop or tell my wife it was bothering me, she would still continue. There were times when my son was a toddler that where we were talking and telling stories in the morning and she would knock on my bedroom door and keep saying he has to eat, even though he wasn't hungry. She would do this over and over even after I asked her to stop. 

Even now, if I try to cook for him, which I love to do, she comes and takes over and literally pushes me aside and starts doing it - so most of the time I don't even bother unless she's not here. I've told her not to worry about certain things because they aren't her responsibility but she keeps stressing me out. Plus my wife works weekends and for a time was also in school during the week so I had to spend most of the time with her. Every day when I wake up and get out of my bedroom, she immediately says my son needs to eat even if he's still asleep. I tell her not to worry about it that I'll make him something and she ignores me and keeps bugging me. Sometimes he'll eat breakfast at 9 or 930 because he slept in on the weekend and she'll start bugging me over and over at 11 AM that he needs to eat lunch. Me and my wife have told her not to wash my clothes because I like to do my own stuff, but she ignores me. She spends hours every day telling our dog to eat over and over!!! A few days a month she stays with her sister, and those days i can definitely tell the difference in my happiness level. I wake up earlier, don't have to worry about seeing her in the morning and spend more time listening to music, happy, dancing. I basically feel like a different person. My mother in law's sister also lived with us for a year - which wasn't great. That sister also tried to boss me around, so I either had to just stay stuck in my office or go out to eat. She would get mad at me when I wouldn't cook the food they made even though I didn't like it! My wife also got tired of her aunt living with us so basically told her she had to leave. I feel about her mom like the way she felt about her aunt, but she can't understand it. 

Last year I made it clear to my wife that I did not want her mom to live with us anymore. My wife started to make me feel guilty, saying she helps out, and that she would die in her country because there is too much stress from her other children that still live there. I still said I didn't want her to stay with us and my wife agreed. A few months later my wife said her mom was going to stay with us anyway because there is too much stress in her country from her children. I don't feel like I've worked hard to feel like a prisoner and unhappy in my home and to have someone always just in the living room and kitchen that I don't want to see. Everytime I bring up her mom still staying with us she gets defensive and bring up my mom "well at least my mom helps out, your mom doesn't when she comes to visit"

Sometimes my wife says she understands how I feel and other times she says I'm being mean by not wanting her mom here. My mother in law has toned it down a lot after my wife has had to talk to her about certain things. I still want to bring up again that I think her mom should make plans to leave soon, but I know it will just cause another argument. Sometimes I wonder if I'm being mean or selfish since we have space for her, but at the same time and as I've told my wife - I feel how I feel and I don't think it's unreasonable to not want her to live with us "forever".


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Yes, been there done that many times. I lived with [up to] seven females, a female dog [off and on] for years. 

Spend the money, get a small place nearby [apartment] , not near enough for her walk over every day.

Try to find a place where some of the occupants speak her language. Do your research.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

You need to exercise very firm boundaries with people who do not naturally understand what a boundary is (the world is full of them unfortunately). When you say 'no', say it as firmly as you need, wash rinse and repeat until the penny drops she doesn't call the shots.

Secondly, it seems more of a wife problem than a MIL problem. You also need to put in place firm boundaries with her too. 'No' means 'NO!'. Don't negotiate, justify your wishes, debate the details. Just NO. When she visits next she can arrange her own accommodation and your wife can deal with her as she sees fit whilst you get on with the business of raising your children as you see fit. 

Failing that...you could try the local ducking stool.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Legally, things are hard for you here, because if she's lived there 5 years, then depending on your state, it's her home now and very difficult to kick her out. But I assume you don't want to kick her out. I also assume she doesn't have enough money to live on her own. At least it sounds like she really tries to help out (although too much). 

1. Can she move in with her sister? I assume the sister can't support her, so you could offer to pay a small stipend toward this. That might work. 
2. If you have enough money, can you build another small house on your property or a wing of the house so she has her own kitchen and isn't always in your space? 
3. Would it be feasible to move to another house that would have amenities to give her more separation? 

Or one crazy suggestion:

4. Adopt a nudist lifestyle, and start walking around the house naked. That might make your MIL really want to spend more time out of the house...


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I'm sorry to say, but it sounds like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. @peacem hit the nail on the head with the suggestion of setting firm boundaries. A lot of people out there just don't understand that no means no, unfortunately! Where is your MIL from? I'm also wondering if it could be a cultural thing with her. I'd also love to know why she has such a fixation on food. It's nice that she wants to help out and ensure that folks (including the dog) are fed, but that could potentially lead to dangerous territory if it leads to obesity.

I would just keep exercising that word "no", and if I were you, I'd sit the wife down for a chat, and tell her exactly how unhappy you are with the living situation. I'm sure that neither you or her want it to come down to a divorce because she refuses to acknowledge things.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

My advice would be to start being a lot firmer, and stop employing generalizations. Rather than make the statement "I don't want her living here forever", set a definite date "I want your mother moved out by April 1st of next year". No is a complete sentence, and you just need to stand by your boundaries. If she wants to negotiate the date, that's fine, as long as it's a date you're comfortable with.

Or, if you like the idea of free housework, you could establish boundaries inside the house, rather than making the boundary the house itself (throwing her out). Example being, she could do all the cooking (no more harassment about what's-his-nuts eating) and cleaning, or whatever it is you want done. In addition, she will never disturb you while you, or you and your wife, are in your bedroom. Ever.

Either way, just present what your (specific!) boundaries are to your wife, negotiate if you're ok with whatever compromise she suggests, and stick to whatever is agreed upon.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

My sense is that by now you are just fed up with your MIL--resent her past interference, etc. In her culture are most homes multi-generational? 

Seems to me your wife is taking advantage of your good nature too. In the past your MIL was likely in charge of cooking. She wants to be useful. Your wife should have explained that in your home things need to be different. Does your wife believe she is being disrespectful to her mother if she doesn't totally take care of her mom? Wife, OTOH is being disrespectful to you by insisting mom comes first.

Since you are nearing the five year mark, you may quickly want to talk to a lawyer about both your and her rights. This might also indicate to your wife the seriousness of your unhappiness. If you do not take action now, what ensues will be your fault...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

peacem said:


> You need to exercise very firm boundaries with people who do not naturally understand what a boundary is (the world is full of them unfortunately). When you say 'no', say it as firmly as you need, wash rinse and repeat until the penny drops she doesn't call the shots.
> 
> Secondly, it seems more of a wife problem than a MIL problem. You also need to put in place firm boundaries with her too. 'No' means 'NO!'. Don't negotiate, justify your wishes, debate the details. Just NO. When she visits next she can arrange her own accommodation and your wife can deal with her as she sees fit whilst you get on with the business of raising your children as you see fit.
> 
> Failing that...*you could try the local ducking stool*.



Ach, yes!

More than likely he will lose this battle.
And he will end up at the local pubs suds sucking stool.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Why don't you give her some chores to do in the house and maybe also garden.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

gvn2fly202 said:


> My wife started to make me feel guilty, saying she helps out, and that she would die in her country because there is too much stress from her other children that still live there.


That is SO RIDICULOUS.

What your wife is doing to you is completely unfair. The spouse comes first.
I would tell your wife that your marriage is dying because of the stress her mom puts on it.

She can move in with her sister. If your MIL's life is in danger from stress, surely her sister will save her life by letting her live with her. What, NO? She WON'T? Her own sister would let her die instead of stay with her? What does THAT tell you?

I can see if you wouldn't let your MIL from another country stay for five weeks. But FIVE YEARS? With the way her personality sounds? On top of the fact that people usually get married so they can be alone with their spouse. I understand helping a relative in need, but this is affecting YOUR quality of life. Frankly, your wife is lucky you haven't left her considering you told her how it makes you feel and she clearly chose her PITA mother over her husband.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> Ach, yes!
> 
> More than likely he will lose this battle.
> And he will end up at the local pubs suds sucking stool.


Yeah...it actually will do that to you, no joke x


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

NextTimeAround said:


> Why don't you give her some chores to do in the house and maybe also garden.


Yes, tell her to pull weeds, give her tweezers and lemonade to drink.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I think the question is, is this something that you are willing to lose your marriage over? I ask this because it seems very clear to me that your wife has chosen her mother over you, and has done so for the past five years.

If your answer is no, you're not willing to risk your marriage, then congratulations, your MIL will be living with you until one of you dies. You've communicated to your wife that this situation is intolerable for you, and she has no regard for the fact that you need your own home and castle without the constant interfering of your MIL, and this is undermining your authority with your child and your dog, as well as your wife. And honestly, if your wife is going to be constantly prioritizing her mother over you, this is a great threat to the stability of your marriage and may very well ultimately destroy your marriage anyway.

Honestly, I'm not sure why you would want to stay married to someone who doesn't prioritize you and your needs, and your W's behavior and disrespect for you is causing you just as much grief and unhappiness as MIL is. W is allowing herself to be manipulated by her mother. There is too much stress in MIL's home country with the other children? What about YOUR stress and what MIL is doing to YOU? [As an aside, I would lay odds that MIL is the source of the stress, not the children.] Your MIL is a grown ass woman. She can handle her own problems, but she's foisting them onto your wife. Your W needs to learn how to stand up to her mother.

You need to have a come to Jesus discussion with your wife, somewhere away from your home, on neutral ground, where your MIL can't interfere or interrupt. Tell your W that this situation is intolerable to you, and be very specific as to all the reasons why, and the fact that your wife backed out of the agreement [for the MIL to leave] last year has clearly shown you who W really prioritizes, and it's not you or your marriage. Tell her that the MIL will be moving out [within whatever time frame you deem appropriate]. If that date approaches, and your W hasn't done anything, or tries to change the game, or whatever, start looking for an apartment for MIL yourself, and make sure that W knows you are doing it. When she tries to push back on you, tell her that come X date, someone will be moving into that apartment. Whether it is MIL or if it is you who is moving out, tell W that is her choice--she can have MIL in the house, or she can have you in the house, but she can't have both. She will change her tune pretty quick. If she doesn't, then you know EXACTLY how important you and your marriage are to her--which is to say, least important.

But you have to actually be willing to move out, and actually go through with it if this is going to work. Sometimes, you have to risk your marriage in order to save it. And I think you may be at that point.


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## daMan (Dec 18, 2012)

So it seems like everyone who posted are all on your side, so let me play the devil's advocate here.

Firstly, it sounds to me like your wife and her mother are from a country where it's normal for children to take care of their parents when they get old, and it's usual for elder parents to live with their children's family. 
So your wife is from a very different culture, and I think you should be a bit open minded about her culture as well (if you still love your wife and keep your marriage).
Basically you have 2 options:
1. If you insist on not living with your MIL, then prepare for a separation so that you can live by yourself 
2. Accept your wife for who she is and try to make the best of having your MIL living there

Honestly, I don't see anything really bad about your MIL in your long list of complaints, it's like having a free live-in maid who cooks, cleans and helps taking care of the kids. Yes, it sounds like she could be annoying from time to time, but I read over every bit of complaints you had about her and I don't see any of them as big deal.

...
And before people start to attack me, I was in the OP's shoes for awhile, my MIL came to live with us.
Similar to OP, I was really annoyed at first, I talked to my wife but she insisted that my MIL has no other option at that point.
I knew that my wife won't change her mind, and I love my wife so I decided to change my view of things.
I tried to make the best of it, changing some of my MIL's habit that bothered me and slowly over time, it all worked out well. 
Hell, I now miss her that she left! I have to do a lot of the house chores that she used to do when she was here.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You realize your wife has never had any intention of her mother moving out, right? You can discuss it with her but don't be surprised if she says her mother is spending the rest of her life in your home.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

My husband and I are getting ready to sell our house, and will move somewhere with more land and room to build a detached, self contained little unit for my Mum.

The difference here is my husband and I discussed this together, at my request, before I mentioned it to Mum. My husband didn't hesitate, he loves my Mum but that's because she's the polar opposite of your MIL OP. She doesn't interfere, never offers her opinion or advice unless asked and we can communicate easily with her - the three of us agreed that we wouldn't want to live under one roof, but having Mum close by will be easier for all of us when she starts to need care.

Had my husband said no, I would never have held it against him and before I asked the question I made that clear that whatever his answer was, it would be ok.

Just for fun, I then asked if we should make sure there's also room for HIS Mum. His answer? Jesus Christ no!!!! Bahahahahaha

Your wife has chosen her Mum over you for 5 years OP. That aint about to change now. So, so wrong


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What's missing in your home are boundaries. And those boundaries have to come from YOU, as the head of the household. You describe dozens of examples of you SAYING you want this or that, but in the end, EACH TIME, you back off and let both women do whatever they want.

Why is that?

Find a good therapist, set up at least 2 appointments per month, and start going; tell him/her that your goal for going is learning how to regain control over your life and what matters in it. He/she will help you come up with a plan and start initiating it, and will hold you accountable.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

OP, you don't say what your different ethnicity are. 

this is one reason why I would not want to marry anyone outside of the western world. 

I have heard stories of westerners marrying outside of this group only to blink and find that they are guests in their own home.

An Indian friend of mine from grad school told me that his parents did not want him dating / marrying a white woman for this reason.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

daMan said:


> So it seems like everyone who posted are all on your side, so let me play the devil's advocate here.
> 
> Firstly, it sounds to me like your wife and her mother are from a country where it's normal for children to take care of their parents when they get old, and it's usual for elder parents to live with their children's family.


It would sound like that except why isn't/won't she live with one of her other multiple children? There's something more going on here. Bottom line, the wife is putting her mother ahead of her husband no matter what angle you look at it from. I can understand that if it really was a matter of life and death. But it's not. She has a sister and other children. If she has no income, why can't she spend time with them if she can't live alone for some reason? Why can't all the children pitch in for rent for a modest apartment nearby?

It's understandable that his wife wants to help her mom and not turn her back on her, but it sounds like she is not being straight with her mom or her husband. I suspect she's a "don't rock the boat" person but it is really unfair to her husband. And she married her husband (and his culture) too. 

If the husband was complaining this way after 5 days I'd think he was the selfish jerk, but it sounds like he has sincerely tried for FIVE years and things are still not tolerable to him.


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