# When is the right time for Forgiveness? (and an update)



## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

I have been doing some reading as of late, (books, websites, forums) and it seems to vary as to when to forgive. Some, or even most, say (paraphrasing) "Take your time but the sooner you can forgive, legitimately forgive the easier it will be to work things out and move on." And others say, "wait till it is all worked out, and you know you will never bring it up again.". I guess I am just looking for some input on this. I am only just a month over D-day so I know my time is not even close, but I figured it would be a good time to ask. :scratchhead:

Reason being a good time (kind of an update for those that have been following me). I am pretty sure the fog is gone, 100%. If not all of it most of it and coming threw. She is finally coming to 100% terms with what she did. She is finally making the moves and saying the right things to take the steps on moving forward. She has broken down several times in the last 5 days, and I have been there for her all the way with nothing but kindness. V-day was fun, we had a great time. The only issue I had was lying in bed and having a "trigger" from her hardcore EA from 3 years ago. I just went outside, smoked a cigar and relaxed for about 2 hours. to be honest I am surprised on how far we have come in only a month. Though I am still taking it one step at a time, and not kidding myself. 

Thanks again for every one who has giving me advice, kind words, and help.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

Wow, 82 visits and not one reply? I know I have a lot of threads, and there are people who need advice more then I do, but this is crazy! haha.


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

Can't answer you Wayne, but I saw this article which you might find interesting. 

Do We Take It Too Easy on Our Spouses? -- New York Magazine


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

BigWaneo - no one can answer this for you. If you think she is committed to the relationship and remorseful and is being transparent, you need to decide if your ready to forgive her and move forward. This is the first step toward the future in my mind. In my case, once my wife showed the traits I listed AND committed to NC ever and to be open if there if there was an attempt by the OM or her desire to contact - she would come to me first. Same goes for discussing the marriage or anything else in our relationship with anyone but me. I also insisted she see an IC and try to figure out for herself how she could possibly do this self centered act to me (for 20 years) and how to prevent it in the future - the number one thing being NEVER keep her feelings in and run to someone else. It has been different for me to have her voice her feeelings even when they are negative and we have had to learn new ways to do that.

SO - what are your needs to forgive her and move forward? And remember - forgive does not mean forget and also does not mean you are done discussing the A and causes. It means to me YOU are committed to staying together with no reservations. It also means you will lighten up on the questioning and work hard at regaining trust in her - if she makes the actions fit her words. If you do forgive, you may want to consider retaking your vows!


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> BigWaneo - no one can answer this for you. If you think she is committed to the relationship and remorseful and is being transparent, you need to decide if your ready to forgive her and move forward. This is the first step toward the future in my mind. In my case, once my wife showed the traits I listed AND committed to NC ever and to be open if there if there was an attempt by the OM or her desire to contact - she would come to me first. Same goes for discussing the marriage or anything else in our relationship with anyone but me. I also insisted she see an IC and try to figure out for herself how she could possibly do this self centered act to me (for 20 years) and how to prevent it in the future - the number one thing being NEVER keep her feelings in and run to someone else. It has been different for me to have her voice her feeelings even when they are negative and we have had to learn new ways to do that.
> 
> SO - what are your needs to forgive her and move forward? And remember - forgive does not mean forget and also does not mean you are done discussing the A and causes. It means to me YOU are committed to staying together with no reservations. It also means you will lighten up on the questioning and work hard at regaining trust in her - if she makes the actions fit her words. If you do forgive, you may want to consider retaking your vows!


8YC-
That has to be the one of the best answers and advice I have gotten. I think we are getting close to what you described above. There are still some things that we need to address before hand. Thanks.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I agree with 8YC, and want to add that if you say you forgive, then you truly have to know within yourself that you have infact reached that point. I knew in my heart when I decided it was no longer an option for me to divorce him over this and that I wanted us to have a better marriage. But I still waited to make sure that I could handle the fact I was about to forgive him for something so huge. And when I finally did feel like I was ready, it was great! But don't rush it, and make sure that you aren't so wrapped up in saving the marriage that you don't deal with your feelings and thoughts. Make sure you can forgive without holding on to the anger or resentment from it. Best of luck!


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

I am glad you started this thread this has been on my mind. Because what is forgiveness what does it mean thats what I keep thinking. This is what I have read about forgiveness therefore it is not my opinion. This is taken from the divorceCare workbook, faith based.

*Unforgiveness can lead to *, Depression, bitterness and negativity, hurt to those around you. Physical spiritual and emotional sickness ....Lonliness.

*Benefits of Forgiveness:* Freedom to move on, Healing, Antidote for resentment and anger, The situation no longer has power over you.

*Forgiveness is Not:* A feeling, it does not minimize the offense, it does not condone the other persons behavior, it does not mean you instantly trust the other person again, and it does not mean you are letting the other person off the hook. Is not expecting an apology and does not mean you forget what happened.

*Forgiveness is (or can be):* Life changing, only a decision each individual can make.

*Obeying God*-- ( everyone has a different belief)
I don't usually quote scripture but it makes a person think.

"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:14-15

Forgiveness is freedom and release, a process but beware of false doubt. 
Forgiveness is Living in a higher realm see Deuteronomy 28-13.
It is Unilateral but it is not synonymous with reconciliation. It is a reflection of a persons maturity, and taking responsibility for ones own actions and attitudes.
Forgiveness is liberating. 

"There is no denying that forgiveness is a difficult thing to deal with. It's hard to forgive someone who has hurt you so deeply. But most people who have been succesful in forgiving will tell you it's worth the effort.".............DivorceCare Handbook


Hope that helps somebody. Made me think but I still do not know where I am on forgiveness. 
I have found this group to be a great support even though my goal is to reconcile completly we all need all the help we can get.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

My personal opinion dear is you'll forgive when you are ready, I don't think there is a set timeframe here. I think you will know when the time is right for you. I think there will be days where you think you have initially, and then go back to the anger, (I know I have.) Again this is just me, but each day that passes, it seems to get just a little bit easier. Good luck to you.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

The emotional affair journey folks have a pretty good article about forgiveness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

Forgiveness should be immediate, and your marriage will never have a chance to move forward and heal without it. Forgiving does not mean that you will not have hurts or pains, and it does not mean that there is not still work to do. 

Heck, even if you can't remain in the marriage and choose divorce, you should STILL forgive. Unforgiveness is unhealthy and stressful. Let go of it and forgive.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Unforgiveness is definitely unhealthy however I think if on d day you turn around and say I forgive you it is like saying sorry when u don't mean it. Some reflection time is needed the DS needs to have some time to sorry but suffer as well. If somebody sucker punches you in the face do you immediate forgive them?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

I agree that forgiving too quickly is not good.
The cheater needs to prove themselves worthy.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

i agree with the last two posts:smthumbup: it really depends on the person really, I wish you the best of luck darlin. There are so many emotions and so many things that come into play. I really hope you can work it out, my situation is good today, but tomorrow, who knows he and I are going day by day, really that's all you can do dear.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

paramore said:


> i agree with the last two posts:smthumbup: it really depends on the person really, I wish you the best of luck darlin. There are so many emotions and so many things that come into play. I really hope you can work it out, my situation is good today, but tomorrow, who knows he and I are going day by day, really that's all you can do dear.


Thank you for the luck! I am in the same boat right now. Today was pretty good. I only had one trigger and I managed to think about something else right away.:smthumbup: It felt good, but I do know this is not, and will not be the norm for being this soon. I knew I would not be giving forgiveness at least in the next month or so, but I figured it would be a good question to know the answer to when I feel the time has come, and to any other new posters to the forums.


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

There is really no timeline for forgiveness in my opinion. You forgive when you are ready to forgive.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Forgiveness is complicated I think because of the roller coaster. A great subject for a sticky thread. Something I watched or read by a therapist said sometimes if you do forgive the person it clears your mind of it allowing you to move on ......................sometimes he said this changes the offending parties point of view and they may of course sometimes may not then come closer to reconciliation.

This is no cookie cutter solution.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

BigWaneo - I posted this on disbeliefs thread. There is also a comment there aboutthe positive compliments you can give. A great Love Bank builder.

"Keep in mind what I said about postive compliments. They go a LONG way. Also, if you voice any doubts, her radar goes up that says your not really into into R. I saw your comments on the Forgiveness thread. Personally, I made it a special point to my wife that I was commited to moving forward and forgiving her so we could start to build trust. As we discussed, that included the caveat that there much work to do and it didn't mean we could forget - only forgive."


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

I am assuming R is for Reconcile? I have not forgiven her yet, but I have been doing my best not to bring the A up any more. Once in a while I ask her a question about it as nice as I can and that is even getting less and less frequent.


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

There is no timeline for forgiveness. You will be ready for it when you decide. I am feeling the same, unsure if I can forgive my wife or not, but I have started taking the steps towards forgiveness.

I want to share something with you. I heard a song on the radio last week. I have heard it for many years ans I have always liked it, but it wasn't until just last week that I took it to heart. It has helped me to ease and soften my heart.

It is by Don Henley, formerly of the Eagles. Here are the lyrics.

Forgiveness (Heart Of The Matter)

I got the call today, I didn’t wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend of ours was talkin on the phone
She said you’d found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside loves open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more? 
I’m learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I’m learning again
I’ve been tryin to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There’s a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age? 
The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They’re the very things - we kill I guess
Pride and competition
Cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us
You know it doesn’t keep me warm
I’m learning to live without you now 
But I miss you, baby
And the more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought Id figured out
I have to learn again
I’ve been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore

There are people in your life who’ve come and gone
They let you down you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby; life goes on
You keep carryin that anger; it’ll eat you up inside, baby
I’ve been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thought seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me
I’ve been tryin to get down
To the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I’m thinkin about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me
Forgiveness
Forgiveness - baby
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, you don’t love me anymore.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

God I love that song...I am getting teary eyed right now reading it.


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

paramore said:


> God I love that song...I am getting teary eyed right now reading it.


That was my reaction too when I Googled and found it.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Lol, I remember when that song came out, great song to cope.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Like the artist never really cared for the song really don't like it right now. Would maybe like it a bit better if my W would actually ask for forgiveness.


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

disbelief said:


> Like the artist never really cared for the song really don't like it right now. Would maybe like it a bit better if my W would actually ask for forgiveness.


I am waiting for my wife to ask for forgiveness, but this doesn't stop me from forgiving her. Maybe it's my character flaw, no, wait, this is a part of me that changed for the better.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Give it time disbelief. I know she has gone beyond trying your patience!


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