# Does age really play a role in a lasting marriage?



## socalledperfectwife (Jan 1, 2018)

Or I guess my question is if the husband is in his 40s and the wife is in her 30s and almost less than 10 times in a year sex, and husband seems to have no more romance inside of him towards his wife. With kids and almost everyone thinks they have a perfect marriage and a perfect family, will it last forever? Or someday when the husband turns 70 and wife 60, husband will feel insecure, old and blame the wife for every little thing and will just turn into hatred then soon divorce. I don’t really know if I’m making any sense but feels good writing this. Thank you for reading.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

A 10 year age gap isn't that much, but of course the impact later on could depend on how fit and healthy each is compared to each other.

The lack of sex is the real concern here. Is the husband less romantic because the wife has no interest in sex, or does she have no interest in sex because he lacks romance? Or are both responsible? Is the husband blaming the wife for lack of sex? Someone would need to break the pattern by initiating. It doesn't matter which one, but will likely be the one who is most bothered by this. If nothing changes after 6 months or so of consistent effort, then you have to decide what to do next with your life and marriage. Of course, if there are other problems in the marriage, this may not help much until those issues are resolved.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

socalledperfectwife said:


> Or I guess my question is if the husband is in his 40s and the wife is in her 30s and almost less than 10 times in a year sex, and husband seems to have no more romance inside of him towards his wife. *With kids and almost everyone thinks they have a perfect marriage and a perfect family, will it last forever*? Or someday when the husband turns 70 and wife 60, husband will feel insecure, old and blame the wife for every little thing and will just turn into hatred then soon divorce. I don’t really know if I’m making any sense but feels good writing this. Thank you for reading.


Those only appear on Facebook, aka The Satan of Communication.

There's always mice in the wood pile..... some families are just better at covering it up

or keeping it in-house


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Marriage is an awfully big commitment in so many different areas that looking at it, from a sense of deep retrospect, I cannot help but believe that I’d now be an ardent advocate of an extremely long period of courtship lasting up until such time that both partners were totally satisfied with all facets of their partnership, inclusive of genuine love, sex, finances, religious beliefs and practices, hobbies, family and children, ethics, political nature, et.al.*


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Yes, 10 years is a big gap as you get older. I am 60 and my husband is 62, 37 years married (first time marriage for the both of us), married at age 22 & 24 (husband). Sex can be less important. This is due to side effects of medications or simply age slowing you down. If both are healthy, this age gap may be less important. What is important is that you value and appreciate each other. My late mother's beautician was 10-12 years younger than her husband. She was in her 50s & her husband in his 60s. She used to just leave her husband in his gardening hobbies and she did "do her own thing" with her friends. 

My husband apologized yesterday for intentionally overcooking the broccoli for dinner as his teeth are now sensitive. He volunteered to be the cook last night. I told him that I appreciate him overcooking as I have trouble with sensitivity with teeth also. He laughed and said, "I'm glad that we're close to the same age as you understand my aches & pains". 

My parents were only 4 years in age difference with my father the older one and the more fragile. They did activities together, including chores & shopping. They were 80 & 84 when they passed away & married for 63 years. They both had full-time careers & raised 4 children. My mother died of a car accident & my father died 3 weeks later, cardiac arrest in the hospital. Advancing age requires courage & acceptance of aging.


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## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

In my experience I would say 12 years is a cut off age. I usually kept with 10 years or less and i usually go for younger women. If I do go older it's like 1 or 2 years. My first wife and second wife are 10 years younger but I'm naturally a young looking guy anyways I can pass for being 15-20 years younger than I naturally look no kiddin. Research does show age gap that exceeds the extreme side like 15+ years does have an impact on successful marriages. It's very rare that this arrangement can be beneficial in the long haul. Unless you are blessed with good looks and a youthfullness and your partner is ok with it then anything opposite of that is a tough road. Imho keeping it in a range of single digits seem in the age gap is the rule of thumb. For me 10 years younger to two years older is my mindset on this matter.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

10 years is really not that much. I cant see what problems an age gap like that would cause especially as people vary so much in whether they look or act their age anyway. Now if you get to 20 or more years, that is a different issue and can cause problems later in life when one is old and one is still only middle aged. 
The largest age gap I ever had was 7 years and I was very young then. Since then the largest was 4 years(first husband)and now less than a year with my second husband.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

jlcrome said:


> In my experience I would say 12 years is a cut off age. I usually kept with 10 years or less and i usually go for younger women. If I do go older it's like 1 or 2 years. My first wife and second wife are 10 years younger but I'm naturally a young looking guy anyways I can pass for being 15-20 years younger than I naturally look no kiddin. Research does show age gap that exceeds the extreme side like 15+ years does have an impact on successful marriages. It's very rare that this arrangement can be beneficial in the long haul. Unless you are blessed with good looks and a youthfullness and your partner is ok with it then anything opposite of that is a tough road. Imho keeping it in a range of single digits seem in the age gap is the rule of thumb. For me 10 years younger to two years older is my mindset on this matter.


I have met many men who are convinced they look a lot younger then they are. LOL. 
I have never been interested in a man more than a few years older. My husband is slightly younger than me.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

If the wife is unhappy she should tell the husband. He has a right to make the change and protect his marriage. Yes it's hard but if she doesn't she is not being a good spouse. If she becomes a Walk Away Wife and never tells her husband why until it's too late that is a terrible thing to do to him. Not because she had enough but because she didn't give him a chance.

From your two posts I can tell you are really struggling. Sexless marriage is very very hard. I suggest you don't give up and address it with him, it's in his best interest. 

I am sorry you are having such a hard time of it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

sokillme said:


> If the wife is unhappy she should tell the husband. He has a right to make the change and protect his marriage. Yes it's hard but if she doesn't she is not being a good spouse. If she becomes a Walk Away Wife and never tells her husband why until it's too late that is a terrible thing to do to him. Not because she had enough but because she didn't give him a chance.
> 
> From your two posts I can tell you are really struggling. Sexless marriage is very very hard. I suggest you don't give up and address it with him, it's in his best interest.
> 
> I am sorry you are having such a hard time of it.


I agree. I still remember a heart broken man in the divorce recovery workshop I went on whose wife had left him out of the blue. He had no idea she wasn't happy and thought they had a good marriage. I felt so sorry for him.:frown2:


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## socalledperfectwife (Jan 1, 2018)

sokillme said:


> If the wife is unhappy she should tell the husband. He has a right to make the change and protect his marriage. Yes it's hard but if she doesn't she is not being a good spouse. If she becomes a Walk Away Wife and never tells her husband why until it's too late that is a terrible thing to do to him. Not because she had enough but because she didn't give him a chance.
> 
> From your two posts I can tell you are really struggling. Sexless marriage is very very hard. I suggest you don't give up and address it with him, it's in his best interest.
> 
> I am sorry you are having such a hard time of it.


Thank you. Yes, you are so right I’m having a hard time but don’t worry I will not give esp we have kids. I will try to work on my own issues. I’ll put my extra energy on our kids and maybe I’ll be intimate with my husband again. For now I’m really getting better. I try not to focus too much on my husband. I always try to be nice to him because my husband doesn’t really like drama and I don’t like drama either. It’s hard sometimes because I just cry by myself but I have days that I become so positive and just focus on myself and try new things by myself like new hobbies.


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## socalledperfectwife (Jan 1, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> sokillme said:
> 
> 
> > If the wife is unhappy she should tell the husband. He has a right to make the change and protect his marriage. Yes it's hard but if she doesn't she is not being a good spouse. If she becomes a Walk Away Wife and never tells her husband why until it's too late that is a terrible thing to do to him. Not because she had enough but because she didn't give him a chance.
> ...


So sorry to hear that story. My grandparents, who raised me were married for a very longtime until my grandpa died and my grandma was there until he died up to his last dying breath and I saw how hard it was for my grandma to recover after his death. I always believed in marriage because I’ve seen it in them. I will definitely do everything that I can to stay in this marriage. I don’t wanna just walk away without trying to talk or resolve. My husband is a good guy and Everytime I think of the things I don’t like about him I also realize the good things and things he has done to me in the past and how great of a father he was and still is with our kids.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

socalledperfectwife said:


> Thank you. Yes, you are so right I’m having a hard time but don’t worry I will not give esp we have kids. I will try to work on my own issues. I’ll put my extra energy on our kids and maybe I’ll be intimate with my husband again. For now I’m really getting better. I try not to focus too much on my husband. I always try to be nice to him because my husband doesn’t really like drama and I don’t like drama either. It’s hard sometimes because I just cry by myself but I have days that I become so positive and just focus on myself and try new things by myself like new hobbies.


My friend a marriage problem by definition is not a you problem but an us problem. You have a legitimate marriage problem which means you HAVE to work on it with him. I get that he doesn't like to be made uncomfortable but he is an adult. He said vows, uncomfortable talks are a part of being married some times. Like I think I told you before write a letter. 

I have written these words about 3 times to you but I don't think you are taking them to heart. In the long run it's better that he is uncomfortable then that he loses his marriage. I suspect in the long run he would choose being uncomfortable. You will be doing right by him by letting him know how you feel. One of the requirements for you to have a happy life and healthy marriage is for you to have consistent physical intimacy. That is entirely reasonable. Don't let him find that out on the day you leave him. Give him a chance.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

socalledperfectwife said:


> So sorry to hear that story. My grandparents, who raised me were married for a very longtime until my grandpa died and my grandma was there until he died up to his last dying breath and I saw how hard it was for my grandma to recover after his death. I always believed in marriage because I’ve seen it in them. I will definitely do everything that I can to stay in this marriage. I don’t wanna just walk away without trying to talk or resolve. My husband is a good guy and Everytime I think of the things I don’t like about him I also realize the good things and things he has done to me in the past and how great of a father he was and still is with our kids.


Are the kids out of the bedroom?


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## socalledperfectwife (Jan 1, 2018)

sokillme said:


> socalledperfectwife said:
> 
> 
> > So sorry to hear that story. My grandparents, who raised me were married for a very longtime until my grandpa died and my grandma was there until he died up to his last dying breath and I saw how hard it was for my grandma to recover after his death. I always believed in marriage because I’ve seen it in them. I will definitely do everything that I can to stay in this marriage. I don’t wanna just walk away without trying to talk or resolve. My husband is a good guy and Everytime I think of the things I don’t like about him I also realize the good things and things he has done to me in the past and how great of a father he was and still is with our kids.
> ...



No. Not yet. It’s hard to explain because at our house we don’t have central air and heat and we’re still trying to fix that and so we’re using electric heaters but on our other place where my husband is right now it’s have central, but we’re fixing to go there by Sunday and I will definitely let the kids sleep on their owns beds. I hope it helps in getting back his intimacy towards me.


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## socalledperfectwife (Jan 1, 2018)

sokillme said:


> socalledperfectwife said:
> 
> 
> > Thank you. Yes, you are so right I’m having a hard time but don’t worry I will not give esp we have kids. I will try to work on my own issues. I’ll put my extra energy on our kids and maybe I’ll be intimate with my husband again. For now I’m really getting better. I try not to focus too much on my husband. I always try to be nice to him because my husband doesn’t really like drama and I don’t like drama either. It’s hard sometimes because I just cry by myself but I have days that I become so positive and just focus on myself and try new things by myself like new hobbies.
> ...


I have written him a letter before and we’ve talked about this in person. I’m sorry if I’m not clear. It’s just that this time it’s no sex for a mere 6 months unlike before when I wrote him a letter it was only for about 2 months no sex. I appreciate your opinion so sorry if you have to tell it to me several times. Don’t worry I would never leave my husband without telling him anything. This is a work in progress. I don’t tell the exact details but we talk, just not in so deep kind of thing. My husband doesn’t really like confrontations and I think that’s what I do sometimes and I don’t really know why I do it but that’s why even before an argument starts my husband would shut me off, I think.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

socalledperfectwife said:


> Or I guess my question is if the husband is in his 40s and the wife is in her 30s and almost less than 10 times in a year sex, and husband seems to have no more romance inside of him towards his wife. With kids and almost everyone thinks they have a perfect marriage and a perfect family, will it last forever? Or someday when the husband turns 70 and wife 60, husband will feel insecure, old and blame the wife for every little thing and will just turn into hatred then soon divorce. I don’t really know if I’m making any sense but feels good writing this. Thank you for reading.


I don't know why you assume that a 70 year old man will feel insecure with a 60 year old wife. And I don't know why you think that all older men with wives 10 years younger blame their wives for everything. It all depends on the individuals. I know a fair number of 70 year old men who are very much active and engaged in life, more than some 60 year olds that I know.

Get the book "Divorce Busting" I think it will really help you.


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