# Spending Issue in marriage



## notsohappy15 (Mar 3, 2015)

Hi,

I'm a 26 yrs old, recently married woman. My husband is a software engineer and earning around 80K per yr. He grew up in a poor family but and he established himself with his family support - we are from India. He has been working for 8 yrs now - only one yr in USA, before that he was earning as per Indian marker standards - Around $15K. He loves his family too much and spent all of his money on his young brother's(2) study and building a house for the family. So in this process he has no saving or no investments. I didn't know this before marriage.

After the marriage, I had high expectations from him. I want him to give me 100% importance, but he still cares about his family and still spends money on his parents and brothers, which i hate. As per me now he should not try to give his family luxury any more and should spend on them in limits. And want him to save for our future. He give a 250$ phone to his brother which I didn't like, because he sud be saving instead of throwing his money in waste. He still says that he want to give his parents and brothers a good life and doesn't care what i say.

Apart from saving we are having a real good life. We have rented a nice apartment(1BHK) and a luxury car, meaning all the basic necessities including good cloths etc, in general a really good standard daily life. He loves me too and on this valentine he gave me a 2900$ diamond and after which he had no balance in any of his accounts- it was half on credit card.

Now the recent issue which forced me to write to this forum. We did some shopping yesterday and in the night we were just discussing about this. We spent like 200$ in the shopping - only cloths. I told him that I want to do shopping every week so that will be like 800-1000$ a month and that too through out the year and years to come --- ONLY ON CLOTHS. I just said this but I really didn't have any such intention. He told me that its unrealistic and I should not spend that much amount on cloths. I was deeply hurt when he said that this is unrealistic. So I told him that why he is worried now and why not when he was spending on his family. He is ready to spend all the salary on me but in return he want me not to ask about saving as both can't be done at the same time.

Now he thinks that for me the most important things is to fulfill my desires about luxuries life. I have remind hm in past that I have certain desire like diamond jewellery and wish to spend as much as i wish (no barring). 

He argues that even if I had no intention of spending this much amount every month, just saying is enough. He says that he has no intention of starting an affair but even if he says he would after 10 yrs(no intention- just saying), I'll feel bad, which is true.

I'm confused and just want to know from you guys what you think about him and me as a person.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is your husband the only one working? Or do you work and bring in an income?



.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How much money do you bring in every year? 

C


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It would be hard for me to drive around in a luxury car and buy my wife $2900 Valentine's Day gifts if I knew how much that money would mean to someone back home. You are being comfortably cared for. Helping his brother go to college will change his brother's future. Spending the same money on clothes or jewelry won't change anyone's life. He's earning $80K, and supporting only two people? I would think he should be saving or investing at least $2000 a month. For the price of your ring, he could have bought his brother 10 phones but you are upset about the purchase of the phone, not the ring. This doesn't sound like it's about the money or about savings but about who you believe should get the money. 
Jobs sometimes end. When they do, bills still must be paid. I wouldn't feel comfortable without about six months of wages in the bank. You need some place to live. You don't need a fancy place to live. You need reliable transportation. You don't need a luxury car. There will probably come a day when you will wish you had money in the bank. The ring he just bought you for $2900 wouldn't bring more than maybe $1500 if you had to sell it today. Money can offer great security but it doesn't make anyone happy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

notsohappy15 said:


> He argues that even if I had no intention of spending this much amount every month, just saying is enough. He says that he has no intention of starting an affair but even if he says he would after 10 yrs(no intention- just saying), I'll feel bad, which is true.


You said what you did about wanting to spend money to make a point to him. It was a valid point. Your husband is willing to spend a lot of money on his family. But he is not willing to save money for your joint future. And he is not willing to do for you what he is willing to do for his family.

When he said that "just saying is enough", it is his way of not turning it around on you and making you the problem. That way he does not have to address the financial problems he is creating.

I think that a huge part of the problem is that your husband now feels rich with his $80K a year income. But he and you are not living in India. That $80 will not go as far here. He won't have children who will buy you a house and luxuries because the world and society are changing. He has to save for the future. 

Here in the USA, every penny that he earns is 50% yours. He is blowing money that is rightfully yours.

I think you need to sit him down and tell him to stop the nonsense about him being so hurt. Why would he be hurt if you wanted the same thing is giving to his family??? Why is he not hurt that his family wants that kind of money from him? I can see him helping his family some, especially his brothers so that they get a good start in life. But I cannot see him giving them luxury. 80K in the USA a good salary, but it's not rich.


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## notsohappy15_a (Mar 3, 2015)

Hi All, 

I could not verify with my old email address so I have created a new user and will be replying to your questions with this user id. Thanks for listening.


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## notsohappy15_a (Mar 3, 2015)

No, I'm not working.

His parents were not in any private or govt job, they did the labor jobs in india, and he argues that they spent all their life and good time on him and now its his time to give them what they deserve.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Isn't it true that in India, most people depend on their sons to support them in their old age?

Do you have an education and/or job skills so that you can get a good job? I think your husband is more committed to supporting his family then even to his own wellbeing.

It's hard to know how to answer you because I do not know what percentage of his income your husband is giving his family. 

I can understand him wanting to help out. But I also understand your point of view that you want to know you need to have savings in order to survive long term. 

Do you think that you could get your husband to go to a financial advisor with you? At least if you had someone else talking to him it might help.

ETA: You might want to come from the angle that he will not be able to help his family in the long run if he does not save some money and plan for the future. What would happen to his family if he were to loose his job and could not give them anything. They would lose the luxury he is giving them now. So perhaps if he were to cut it down so that he gives them some, but not a large amount.. he could save and be sure that he can help long-term.

Are you considering at all that you might leave him if he dose not stop spending so much money that he cannot even save?


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## notsohappy15_a (Mar 3, 2015)

As I mentioned earlier "He is ready to spend all the salary on me but in return he want me not to ask about saving as both can't be done at the same time." 

Before marriage he spent all of his earning on building a house and his younger brothers study. After the marriage he spends around $400-500 a months.

And his family doesn't want that much from him, its him who want them to give good life.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Families who grew up poor often feel obligated to assist family once they reach some degree of success...and there is nothing wrong with that. However, sometimes a person can operate from having feelings of guilt and not wanting his family to think that he abandoned them...so he is overcompensating his guilt by not showing restraint in how much he is sending to his family versus what he needs to do to invest in the future.

I think that it is great that your husband is making a good income and wants to provide a good life. However, it is important for him to get out of the poverty mindset (which is all about getting everything now, now, now) and start thinking about the future...which means putting SAVINGS AND RETIREMENT FIRST before spending money on unnecessary luxuries. Luxuries are nice, but should not be pursued until debts are paid off, and you have at least 15% of his income going into retirement PLUS 6 months worth of living expenses saved for emergencies. What are your plans if somehow your husband got injured or lost his job?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does the $400-$500 a month include his brother's $250 a month phone bill?

Your husband sounds like a good person. But he sound caught up in feeling rich and feeling obligated to his family back home. I can understand his desire to help his family. 

$400-$500 a month is not horrible if that's all it is now. But he has to save for retirement and put money aside in an emergency fund.

One book that might help you is "Smart Couples Finish Rich". I suggest that you read it. Then ask him to read it.

After that there are more things that you can do to work with him to manage money better and get some savings.

Is your family in the same financial situation as his family has been? Or is your family better off? 

Also, I high suggest that you get a job. What is your career field?


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## notsohappy15_a (Mar 3, 2015)

400-500$ is the total amount. Phone bill in India is like 10-15$ a month. This is max he is sending -it includes everything. Random expenditure may jump in here and there.

I grew up in a upper middle class and never face any financial issues and I have not interest in working/getting a job.


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## Mr.D.E.B.T. (Jul 19, 2012)

If both of you are happy with you not working and him earning the money, so be it. If he prefers to handle the money, even while not saving, and you are okay with that, so be it. The real question for both of you is, will you be okay with this arrangement once you begin to suffer from these terrible financial choices? If the answer is no, you both need to make some serious changes. If the answer is yes, I guess you don't care much for tomorrow. As for what he does for his family, using yourself to make a point is a bad idea. It is better to be up-front and explain that your worry is tied to financial stability. Either way, it sounds like you guys need to have some serious conversations about your lifestyle goals and budget.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

notsohappy15 said:


> Hi,
> .
> 
> Now the recent issue which forced me to write to this forum. We did some shopping yesterday and in the night we were just discussing about this. We spent like 200$ in the shopping - only cloths. I told him that I want to do shopping every week so that will be like 800-1000$ a month and that too through out the year and years to come --- ONLY ON CLOTHS. I just said this but I really didn't have any such intention. He told me that its unrealistic and I should not spend that much amount on cloths. I was deeply hurt when he said that this is unrealistic. So I told him that why he is worried now and why not when he was spending on his family. He is ready to spend all the salary on me but in return he want me not to ask about saving as both can't be done at the same time.


I think you should approach the subject differently. Comparing spending money to help his family to spending money on extra luxury clothing for you is not really fair to him. Even if he is spending too much on his family, you need to approach it in a way that is respectful of his desire to help his family rather than mocking and indirect.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

notsohappy15_a said:


> No, I'm not working.
> 
> His parents were not in any private or govt job, they did the labor jobs in india, and he argues that they spent all their life and good time on him and now its his time to give them what they deserve.


If you would like more stuff, is there anything standing between you and a job?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> If you would like more stuff, is there anything standing between you and a job?


She is not saying she want more stuff. She says she wants them to be saving some money.

The talk about spending money on shopping was her attempt to show him that he's spending too much money giving his family money so that they can go out and blow it on more stuff. I think her intent was good.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

notsohappy15 said:


> He loves his family too much...


Nothing wrong with him loving his family a lot. How much love is too much?



notsohappy15 said:


> I told him that I want to do shopping every week so that will be like 800-1000$ a month and that too through out the year and years to come --- ONLY ON CLOTHS.


For someone who is not contributing to the household income in any way, expecting him to spend twelve grand a year on clothing seems a bit excessive.



notsohappy15 said:


> He is ready to spend all the salary on me...
> 
> I have remind hm in past that I have certain desire like diamond jewellery and *wish to spend as much as i wish (no barring).*
> 
> ...I'm confused and just want to know from you guys what you think about him and me as a person.


You asked, so I will answer. Your priorities seem to be mostly about money, jewelry, housing, luxury cars and what else he can provide for you. What about partnership, building a life together, building a marriage?

And why don't you get a job, and then you can spend as much of it on clothes and jewelry as you like.

I agree that you should both be saving for your future, that is a good goal.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

happy as a clam said:


> For someone who is not contributing to the household income in any way, expecting him to spend twelve grand a year on clothing seems a bit excessive.


She was not asking him to spend 12 grand on clothing a year. He is giving his family $400-$500 a month so that they can spend it on luxury items. He has already purchased a home for them. She clearly stated that the bit about the 12K a year spending was an attempt to demonstrate how wasteful it is not give his family so much money for luxury items putting him in the position of not being able to save a penny .





happy as a clam said:


> You asked, so I will answer. Your priorities seem to be mostly about money, jewelry, housing, luxury cars and what else he can provide for you. What about partnership, building a life together, building a marriage? I would suggest you examine your motivation for getting married.


No she is not about “money, jewelry, housing, luxury cars”. She has clearly stated that she wants them to have a savings and is concerned because they are living pay check to pay check.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Ele,

I guess we are reading this completely differently. :scratchhead:

I agree that she wants a savings account, but she also said she wants to spend as much of his salary as she wants "without barring", including for diamond jewelry, clothing, etc. That's not the quickest way to build up a nest egg 

And if savings is truly a priority, two incomes will go a lot further than one towards achieving that goal.


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## Doorman (Mar 4, 2015)

Its a difference in mindsets.

I recommend looking around at people that are tired, but still working very late in life. I knew I did not want that, so both my wife and I kept very strict and modest spending habits, while saving and investing all we could.

It really wasn't that hard. We still had fun, just in moderation. Now, we are much better off and retiring early. Think long-term.


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## notsohappy15_a (Mar 3, 2015)

As per you I should not compare what he spends on his family, but whos responsibility I'm now. Is it wrong to think about future.

When I said that I want to spend 1000$ on cloths, I really didn't mean to spend that much. I 'm not a fool to spend this much amount on cloths only. But I was deeply hurt when he said that $1000 a months was too much when it came to me, while he has spent all of his money on his family. And so my husband thinks that I only care for cloths, and money.

FYI .. I have been married only for 2 months.



John Lee said:


> I think you should approach the subject differently. Comparing spending money to help his family to spending money on extra luxury clothing for you is not really fair to him. Even if he is spending too much on his family, you need to approach it in a way that is respectful of his desire to help his family rather than mocking and indirect.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

notsohappy15_a said:


> As per you I should not compare what he spends on his family, but whos responsibility I'm now. Is it wrong to think about future.
> 
> When I said that I want to spend 1000$ on cloths, I really didn't mean to spend that much. I 'm not a fool to spend this much amount on cloths only. But I was deeply hurt when he said that $1000 a months was too much when it came to me, while he has spent all of his money on his family. And so my husband thinks that I only care for cloths, and money.
> 
> FYI .. I have been married only for 2 months.


I understand what you are trying to say, I am just advising you to communicate it to him in a different way.


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## notsohappy15_a (Mar 3, 2015)

I need more views on this situation to decide if I'm right or wrong.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

You are so wrong it's not even funny.



> I have remind hm in past that I have certain desire like diamond jewellery and wish to spend as much as i wish (no barring).


Your desires are financially pathetic on a single income of $80K/year in USA. Heck I'd consider it pathetic regardless of income. 

Who gave you the idea of spending as you wish (no barring)?! Your dad? Well, then tell your dad to continue his wonderful support system while you're married. Your husband doesn't have that kind of money.



> I have not interest in working/getting a job.


I'm sorry for your husband. I wish him a lot of patience. He married an entitled queen.

It's perfectly reasonable for him to send around $500 to his family. It's a part of his culture and makes complete sense given his reasoning. 

He's being very stupid to not think about savings. He's also very naive to have married you. You're way too entitled and high-maintenance for his salary range.


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