# When everyone finds out, how to deal with humiliation?



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

We just had an EXTREMELY BAD week. Let's just say we hit rock bottom. Total rock bottom. When I feel up to it I'll post about it, but the outcome was everyone and their brother now knows. Can anyone share their wisdom on how to get thru the humiliation of EVERYONE knowing? I'm talking family, coworkers, friends, neighbors... I even had to sit down with the kids and finally give them the whole story in a PG rating kinda way. Heartbreaking. I was already becoming a recluse, I don't want to see or talk to anyone. I want to move far, far away. But, I can't. I freaked out a few days ago and deleted just about everyone on my Facebook. That was probably stupid cause I'm sure I alienated those who might help me later. I'm just so embarrassed. I've got emails stacking up, I just can't bare to discuss this with anyone anymore. WS is getting more sympathy than me cause he is very openly depressed, while I've bottled everything up and hide inside the house. I've suddenly become the terrible person that can't forgive. I got cheated on and lied to for almost a decade and somehow I've become the bad one here. To make matters worse, with everyone knowing we're both getting outside advice that really isn't pro marriage, his mom being the worse. The reality of everything is really hitting and I'm not sure how strong I really am. When I told my youngest that I don't want family secrets, but this is personal to our family and she shouldn't talk about it to others she said of course, he cheated on you, it's embarrassing to you. Even she gets it.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I think the only real way to get over any embarrassment is changing your perspective. Yes, your spouse cheated. You did not. While you were doing all you could to have a happy family and marriage, they were betraying you. I felt the same as you, like I couldn't face anyone, but after a couple of weeks I realized that it is part of my reality now. 

Instead of letting HIS actions define me, I let my own actions show people who I was. Takes everyone a different amount of time honey, but I have faith that you will figure out the perfect way for you to cope and over come this.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

What have you done to feel humiliated? Your spouse cheated, you think that's going to reflect on the kind of woman you are? People will talk because thats what they do best. Sit on the sidelines and talk. Your husband is the one who should feel humiliated and he's playing the sympathy card because thats the kind of person he is, there's no such thing as being openly depressed, he's fishing for sympathy, you know it and he knows it.

Don't let others define what kind of a person you are. Only you know the kind of pain you're going through and no one, not even other BSs can fully appreciate it. Be strong hun and you'll get through this a much stronger woman.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

I dunno. When I talked to one friend she said to me, if he was so unhappy with his sex life he should have talked to you first before cheating. So immediately she is assuming something is wrong with me. We were having sex! We had just been on a fantastic family vacation with our kids... He had a one night stand with some twenty year old model after I'd had two c-sections and nursed both my babies. How do I compare to that? Everyone knows this. I feel like it's telling everyone I wasn't good enough. And then his EA with his younger coworker? I'm sure there are things people are not telling me. Now suddenly, I'm being made out to be awful cause I haven't forgiven him yet. Everyone sees his pain, but nobody seems to realize what I'm going thru behind closed doors. I can't even bare to go to the grocery store.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

People will assume things honey. Its done everywhere. The best thing for you to do is to not feed in to it. If people say things that are inaccurate, tell them that. No one can see your pain if you are holding it in. You don't always have to be strong. find that one best friend and let her be strong for you. Talk to her, get it all out, and you will feel 10 times better after.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> I dunno. When I talked to one friend she said to me, if he was so unhappy with his sex life he should have talked to you first before cheating. So immediately she is assuming something is wrong with me. We were having sex! We had just been on a fantastic family vacation with our kids... He had a one night stand with some twenty year old model after I'd had two c-sections and nursed both my babies. How do I compare to that? Everyone knows this. I feel like it's telling everyone I wasn't good enough. And then his EA with his younger coworker? I'm sure there are things people are not telling me. Now suddenly, I'm being made out to be awful cause I haven't forgiven him yet. Everyone sees his pain, but nobody seems to realize what I'm going thru behind closed doors. I can't even bare to go to the grocery store.




Thats the thing, women usually start blaming themselves for their partner's lack of control, as is the case with your friend. Its not your fault hurting, its all in your mind, your self esteem has taken a hit and that's one of the reasons why you feel everyone is staring at you in the grocery store. Believe you me, people have a lot of sh!t that they're busy dealing with in their own lives to be concerned with yours.

Everybody sees his pain because he's projecting it on everybody. I suppose its his way of dealing with it or garnering sympathy. You're so much more than that, don't let this get you down


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

I looked at his Facebook this morning. People that are not even in our immediate loop, people I would not even assume would know anything have posted things to him like, hope you're feeling better, really want you to be happy again... I found some that went back months ago! I got a call from someone the other day that totally caught me off guard. I suddenly feel like I'm being played as the bad person here cause he's depressed. He was fine for nine years hiding secrets from me, happy as can be. He has a bigger network than me, I've been a stay at home mom. I just feel alone and I don't trust all the moms around here and their gossip.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

hurtingbadly said:


> I looked at his Facebook this morning. People that are not even in our immediate loop, people I would not even assume would know anything have posted things to him like, hope you're feeling better, really want you to be happy again... I found some that went back months ago! I got a call from someone the other day that totally caught me off guard. I suddenly feel like I'm being played as the bad person here cause he's depressed. He was fine for nine years hiding secrets from me, happy as can be. He has a bigger network than me, I've been a stay at home mom. I just feel alone and I don't trust all the moms around here and their gossip.


 You don't have one friend you can call on and tell everything to, including your frustrations and sadness? It sounds to me like you feel isolated since all of this happened, and that is something you can fix. Start thinking about YOU. What do you need to be happy outside of the relationship? Going to school? Volunteering for a couple hours a day/week?

The worst part about these things, is that it can take your life over. And it is hard to see anything clearly when its all clouded over by one event. When you start getting yourself happy, you won't CARE that gossips gossip and people talk.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

You're right. My self esteem has just been totally wiped out. And now with everyone knowing... And I feel like people can just look at me and know, like it's stamped on my forehead. I'm at nine months out and it just seems worse. I feel worse. I've aged. My face looks dull, eyes dark and sunken in, tons of gray I didn't have before. This has aged me ten years. I'm just physically done and then this week... 
Let's just say we're at a point I can't talk to him anymore about this.


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

Hi HB,

I am so sorry to hear this. The very simple fact is that his betrayal is 100% on him. No ifs, no buts, just him. Anyone who sees otherwise is ignorant and deserves sympathy. You need to know inside you that you cannot take the blame.

If HIS sex life was poor the HE needed to talk to you about it. That would be the honourable thing to do. As it is he is a coward, a cheat and a fool. Last I heard sex was between two people (don't get me started on the threesome thread!). A good lover is one who can ask for and take what he or she needs and wants (respecting discussed boundaries of course. You thought the sex was fine. You are a good lover. He thought otherwise. He is a poor lover. Not you fault. His fault.

Stay strong. Know that anyone seeing the truth knows you are a good person.


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## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

I have a feeling, if "everyone" knows, you may soon find out that you're not the only person who has gone through this. You may find yourself with someone to talk to... a new friend and confidant. 

After my D-Day, a good friend of mine sent me an email telling me about her husbands A from years before. She and I have become much closer friends because of the entire situation.

YOU have nothing to feel humiliated about.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

So what can you do to help yourself feel better? New haircut,new makeup, a makeover, just a day at a spa or a pedicure? Start feeling better about yourself. You will soon realize that his affair/s were about HIM. His self esteem.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Is he remorseful at all?


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

Friends wanting him to feel better and ask him if he is OK are not attacking you. They are being friends.

Hell, I don't know him and I hope he can be OK. I also how he can see what he has done and apologise in the profoundest terms. I want my fWW to be OK too. Always did. It was good she had people looking out for her. My parents reached out to her and I was glad they did.

You need perspective here. I know that is so difficult right now and, trust me, I know what you are going through, but keep that perspective.

Good luck.


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

Sorry, another thought.

People see and react to how people are. Hold your head high and explain the truth to anyone who asks. Believe in yourself, have dignity and self-respect. That will rub off on everyone you meet. Let them see a strong woman.

I know, horrible, horrible and awful. So hard to do. But I know you can. People here are good and will help you.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

DawnD said:


> You don't have one friend you can call on and tell everything to, including your frustrations and sadness? It sounds to me like you feel isolated since all of this happened, and that is something you can fix. Start thinking about YOU. What do you need to be happy outside of the relationship? Going to school? Volunteering for a couple hours a day/week?
> 
> The worst part about these things, is that it can take your life over. And it is hard to see anything clearly when its all clouded over by one event. When you start getting yourself happy, you won't CARE that gossips gossip and people talk.


I did, I had a few friends I trusted when this first went down. Then it just started becoming embarrassing to me. It got where I felt like a failure. It's hard to talk about how bad things are when the next topic is how great things are for them. I just feel like a failure, like I'm different. They still call and email me, but at this point I just want to hide. Now with everything out to everyone... I just wish I could move and start over. But, I'm not in a situation like that right now.

I've been trying to find a job since January. My skills are dated and nothing was turning up. I finally went and got certified to be a parapro earlier this summer, but nothing is turning up with that, either. I thought if I went to another school, where nobody knows me...

I guess I've lost my desire to do anything. Nothing interests me anymore. Sorry, I'm clearly depressed and about to start my period, perimenopause knocking...


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

hurtingbadly said:


> I did, I had a few friends I trusted when this first went down. Then it just started becoming embarrassing to me. It got where I felt like a failure. It's hard to talk about how bad things are when the next topic is how great things are for them. I just feel like a failure, like I'm different. They still call and email me, but at this point I just want to hide. Now with everything out to everyone... I just wish I could move and start over. But, I'm not in a situation like that right now.
> 
> I've been trying to find a job since January. My skills are dated and nothing was turning up. I finally went and got certified to be a parapro earlier this summer, but nothing is turning up with that, either. I thought if I went to another school, where nobody knows me...
> 
> I guess I've lost my desire to do anything. Nothing interests me anymore. Sorry, I'm clearly depressed and about to start my period, perimenopause knocking...


I get it. I really do. You either feel like you are the only one who isn't having a perfect life, or you feel like you are putting too much on your friends when you talk about it. So why not write a journal for time being. Write down what you want, and slowly start getting it. I swear to you, go to the bathroom, shower, do your hair, put on some makeup and some nice clothes. Go get a pedicure and read a magazine. Think about getting a mani. Troll around and look at some shops. Put yourself first. Try on some clothes. When you feel better, sit down and rethink about what you want. I want to.....volunteer with this a couple days a week......I want to get out of the house and make some new friends........


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Seesaw said:


> If HIS sex life was poor the HE needed to talk to you about it. That would be the honourable thing to do. As it is he is a coward, a cheat and a fool. Last I heard sex was between two people (don't get me started on the threesome thread!). A good lover is one who can ask for and take what he or she needs and wants (respecting discussed boundaries of course. You thought the sex was fine. You are a good lover. He thought otherwise. He is a poor lover. Not you fault. His fault.


This is what hurts. People assume I wasn't good enough for him. Of course, I can't compare to a twenty year old model! This is where my self esteem has been destroyed. How could I make myself look like her? And he didn't even know her. See, even you assumed he thought our sex life was poor. THIS IS HUMILIATING!!!!


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

hurtingbadly said:


> This is what hurts. People assume I wasn't good enough for him. Of course, I can't compare to a twenty year old model! This is where my self esteem has been destroyed. How could I make myself look like her? And he didn't even know her. See, even you assumed he thought our sex life was poor. THIS IS HUMILIATING!!!!


Why would you WANT to look like her? Honey, she is not anyone I would want to resemble. A married man, really? How good is she if she is going after someone who is already married? 

people will assume. especially on this board. I hate to say it, but there is an overwhelming amount of people who ASSUME that if a husband cheated, it was because the woman wasn't putting out. They were wrong about me, and they are wrong about you, but they will still assume.


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

Hang on! I made no assumption, I was replying to your friend who made that point in conversation with you. Apologies for not being clear.

Regarding the 20 year old, you absolutely can compete, at least as far as grown up men are concerned. My fWW is 38. I would take her every time over a 20 year old model and for all the best reasons. A night in bed with a 20 year old model could not ever come close. Now that might be different for you husband. He might like superficial, pointless ego boosting, soul destroying, immature sex, but that is a humiliation to HIM not you. That says NOTHING about you and EVERYTHING about him. It tells everyone he is a jerk. Simple as that. You being on the other end of it says nothing whatsoever about you.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

DawnD said:


> Why would you WANT to look like her? Honey, she is not anyone I would want to resemble. A married man, really? How good is she if she is going after someone who is already married?
> 
> people will assume. especially on this board. I hate to say it, but there is an overwhelming amount of people who ASSUME that if a husband cheated, it was because the woman wasn't putting out. They were wrong about me, and they are wrong about you, but they will still assume.


I've actually always had the higher sex drive between the two of us. He was never one I thought to do something like this. 
The girl was a model they had used earlier that day. He was out of town for work. The story I've been told is his coworker brought her back to the room after the work party, had sex with her while my WS was somewhat passed out, then she offered him a BJ. So regardless of how hot she may have been, she was a disgusting ****. She had sex with two men she didn't know. His coworker covered for him for years. I still don't feel I have the whole story, but he's been extremely depressed. I'm not sure about remorse. I could say he is cause of his depression or I could say he's just more concerned about himself instead of what I'm now having to go thru. He wants to stay married. It's been a rough attempt at reconciliation. I still have doubts on the EA with his coworker, lots of unanswered questions. He still kinda downplays calling it an EA.


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

DawnD - just to be absolutely clear on my position. If a husband cheats it has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with his sex life with his wife. If he claims to cheat for that reason it is a cowardly, blame shifting and utterly wrong thing to do. No qualification.

I sincerely and very genuinely apologise if what I wrote came across as otherwise.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

hurtingbadly said:


> I've actually always had the higher sex drive between the two of us. He was never one I thought to do something like this.
> The girl was a model they had used earlier that day. He was out of town for work. The story I've been told is his coworker brought her back to the room after the work party, had sex with her while my WS was somewhat passed out, then she offered him a BJ. So regardless of how hot she may have been, she was a disgusting ****. She had sex with two men she didn't know. His coworker covered for him for years. I still don't feel I have the whole story, but he's been extremely depressed. I'm not sure about remorse. I could say he is cause of his depression or I could say he's just more concerned about himself instead of what I'm now having to go thru. He wants to stay married. It's been a rough attempt at reconciliation. I still have doubts on the EA with his coworker, lots of unanswered questions. He still kinda downplays calling it an EA.


we are the same way. My H was the LD and I am extremely HD. So when he neglected me for 3 years and withheld all affection and sex, imagine my shock when I found out HE cheated. SHOCK. But when I came on TAM those 3 years ago (almost) there was an overwhelming amount of posters telling Betrayed Wives that their husband must have cheated because of lack of sex in the marriage. and they wonder why there are hardly any Bw's left on TAM

Its great that he wants to stay married, but what is he DOING to make YOU want to stay married to HIM?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Seesaw said:


> DawnD - just to be absolutely clear on my position. If a husband cheats it has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with his sex life with his wife. If he claims to cheat for that reason it is a cowardly, blame shifting and utterly wrong thing to do. No qualification.
> 
> I sincerely and very genuinely apologise if what I wrote came across as otherwise.


My answer wasn't directed at you SeeSaw, sorry if it seemed that way. I just meant in general


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Seesaw said:


> Hang on! I made no assumption, I was replying to your friend who made that point in conversation with you. Apologies for not being clear.
> 
> Regarding the 20 year old, you absolutely can compete, at least as far as grown up men are concerned. My fWW is 38. I would take her every time over a 20 year old model and for all the best reasons. A night in bed with a 20 year old model could not ever come close. Now that might be different for you husband. He might like superficial, pointless ego boosting, soul destroying, immature sex, but that is a humiliation to HIM not you. That says NOTHING about you and EVERYTHING about him. It tells everyone he is a jerk. Simple as that. You being on the other end of it says nothing whatsoever about you.


Sorry, I'm obviously super sensitive.
He's never been one to look at porn or stuff like that, but I could say the situation was definitely an ego boost for him. He once told me in an argument it was exciting for a young girl to be hitting on him. So ten years together and two kids later all that meant nothing... Thrown away for one drunken night with a stranger.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Back on Facebook. Refriend everyone. Then thank everyone for their support in this difficult time.

Also say: "Please do not blame my husband any more than he is already blaming himself. He knows he let me down, our children down and his own parents. He also let himself down. I hope that we can get past this betrayal of all that we held dear to our hearts."


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> I looked at his Facebook this morning. People that are not even in our immediate loop, people I would not even assume would know anything have posted things to him like, hope you're feeling better, really want you to be happy again... I found some that went back months ago! I got a call from someone the other day that totally caught me off guard. I suddenly feel like I'm being played as the bad person here cause he's depressed. He was fine for nine years hiding secrets from me, happy as can be. He has a bigger network than me, I've been a stay at home mom. I just feel alone and I don't trust all the moms around here and their gossip.


Then stand up for yourself & correct the assumptions.
Stop letting your husband get away with what he did, no one should be giving the cheater that kind of sympathy.
That's just so ass-backwards! 
It makes me wonder if possibly it's your husband that is misconstruing the truth. 
He should be depressed, considering what he did to you & your children.
Time for him to have a wake up call of his own & for you to take back your life. 
Obviously almost being a recluse isn't working, time to change it up, take ownership of this sitution & set to rectify what you can.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

hurtingbadly said:


> We just had an EXTREMELY BAD week. Let's just say we hit rock bottom. Total rock bottom. When I feel up to it I'll post about it, but the outcome was everyone and their brother now knows. Can anyone share their wisdom on how to get thru the humiliation of EVERYONE knowing? I'm talking family, coworkers, friends, neighbors... I even had to sit down with the kids and finally give them the whole story in a PG rating kinda way. Heartbreaking. I was already becoming a recluse, I don't want to see or talk to anyone. I want to move far, far away. But, I can't. I freaked out a few days ago and deleted just about everyone on my Facebook. That was probably stupid cause I'm sure I alienated those who might help me later. I'm just so embarrassed. I've got emails stacking up, I just can't bare to discuss this with anyone anymore. WS is getting more sympathy than me cause he is very openly depressed, while I've bottled everything up and hide inside the house. I've suddenly become the terrible person that can't forgive. I got cheated on and lied to for almost a decade and somehow I've become the bad one here. To make matters worse, with everyone knowing we're both getting outside advice that really isn't pro marriage, his mom being the worse. The reality of everything is really hitting and I'm not sure how strong I really am. When I told my youngest that I don't want family secrets, but this is personal to our family and she shouldn't talk about it to others she said of course, he cheated on you, it's embarrassing to you. Even she gets it.


Best of luck just time at this point!! Now it will be awkward for years to come if not ever!! I'm not a fan in the slightest of exposing or letting people know........maybe in the most last ditch effort to end a affair, but even then the cost count is high!


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

I felt just like you do at first. I couldn't even look people in the eyes because I was sure I'd see judgement or pity. Then I found out what he had been telling his family and our mutual friends when he was in the A. He told them all that I was unloving, that he had ED because sex was almost non-existent and that when he did get any it was lousy.

That did it for me. I have issues from childhood but he always got what he wanted, when he wanted and as much as he wanted until after my hysterectomy when he hurt me and was too selfish to care. That's when it stopped trying. So to blame me and tell everyone that I was awful just to protect himself from the fallout should they find out about the A made me get over it quickly. 

I made sure they were clued into the truth and I don't care what they think. I'm the one that lived the nightmare of my M and the A. They only know what they see or are told from the outside. I know who I am and am not, what I did and didn't do, and what is and isn't my fault. 

Why do people listen to the cheater? Has anyone meant one that tells the truth? If they lie and cheat on their spouse why do they think they can be truthful with them.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. Don't let him steal your dignity along with everything else. Unlike so much in the situation you do have control of that.


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## Christa (Jul 12, 2012)

OhGeesh said:


> Best of luck just time at this point!! Now it will be awkward for years to come if not ever!! I'm not a fan in the slightest of exposing or letting people know........maybe in the most last ditch effort to end a affair, but even then the cost count is high!


OhGeesh, why do you say that? Why would exposing be a bad thing? 
I guess I have always been of the mindset that letting people know is a healthy thing. No more lies! Regardless of the affair being over or not.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I know what you mean..even though my H is the one who feels embarrassed, etc. about what he did..I told him you feel embarrassed how about me?...especially when people know that you continued contact with this person after I initially found out. 

It makes me feel like others are thinking..wow he must have really been crazy for this OW in order to risk his marriage by continuing contact, like he couldn't stay away from this other person.

Yeah..great feeling wondering if people are thinking that. I wonder if those that know are looking at me with sympathy because of that or if they are wondering why would she stay with him?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> We just had an EXTREMELY BAD week. Let's just say we hit rock bottom. Total rock bottom. When I feel up to it I'll post about it, but the outcome was everyone and their brother now knows. Can anyone share their wisdom on how to get thru the humiliation of EVERYONE knowing? I'm talking family, coworkers, friends, neighbors... I even had to sit down with the kids and finally give them the whole story in a PG rating kinda way. Heartbreaking. I was already becoming a recluse, I don't want to see or talk to anyone. I want to move far, far away. But, I can't. I freaked out a few days ago and deleted just about everyone on my Facebook. That was probably stupid cause I'm sure I alienated those who might help me later. I'm just so embarrassed. I've got emails stacking up, I just can't bare to discuss this with anyone anymore. WS is getting more sympathy than me cause he is very openly depressed, while I've bottled everything up and hide inside the house. I've suddenly become the terrible person that can't forgive. I got cheated on and lied to for almost a decade and somehow I've become the bad one here. To make matters worse, with everyone knowing we're both getting outside advice that really isn't pro marriage, his mom being the worse. The reality of everything is really hitting and I'm not sure how strong I really am. When I told my youngest that I don't want family secrets, but this is personal to our family and she shouldn't talk about it to others she said of course, he cheated on you, it's embarrassing to you. Even she gets it.


I haven't read the entire thread, yet, but I know how you feel. 

It is so humiliating. In my case, too, the OW was treating the affair like a conquest. She has shared all the personal details my cheating spouse shared with her, and the entire town seems to know. 

I realize she and he are the cheaters and they should be humiliated.

But, the worst part is that my cheating spouse should have been smarter than to share personal details about me or his life in general. 

My STBEH is an educated intelligent guy, I still do not tell any personal friends negative things about him within our personal life. It just seems so wrong to me.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> I dunno. When I talked to one friend she said to me, if he was so unhappy with his sex life he should have talked to you first before cheating. So immediately she is assuming something is wrong with me. We were having sex! We had just been on a fantastic family vacation with our kids... He had a one night stand with some twenty year old model after I'd had two c-sections and nursed both my babies. How do I compare to that? Everyone knows this. I feel like it's telling everyone I wasn't good enough. And then his EA with his younger coworker? I'm sure there are things people are not telling me. Now suddenly, I'm being made out to be awful cause I haven't forgiven him yet. Everyone sees his pain, but nobody seems to realize what I'm going thru behind closed doors. I can't even bare to go to the grocery store.


A real life marriage can never compete with an affair no matter how attractive you are. 

In another thread I mentioned a doctor neighbor who cheated on his wife and married a woman 20 years his junior.

She continually complained about how she was embarrassed to be seen with him because her friends teased her that he looked like an old fart. 

She also told me she cheated on him. Once to get a promotion and other time 'cause the guy was her age and good looking and she just couldn't resist.

Cheaters are immature and unrealistic about life.

Sometimes I think the only way my STBEH will learn how I feel is to marry his younger OW and then have her cuckold him. I have no doubt she would had they stayed together.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

seesaw said:


> people see and react to how people are.


The truth!


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> This is what hurts. People assume I wasn't good enough for him. Of course, I can't compare to a twenty year old model! This is where my self esteem has been destroyed. How could I make myself look like her? And he didn't even know her. See, even you assumed he thought our sex life was poor. THIS IS HUMILIATING!!!!


Yes. I get the same assumption about the sex life because my STBEH actually told the OW that he wasn't getting enough sex. 

The truth is opposite. He had Low desire with me and some sexual dysfunction.

I read it's normal for a man in his 50s to have some sexual dysfunction, but many men blame it on their wives. 

Also, it's so much easier to get excited about new sex in a secretive exciting affair. 

IMO, most cheating people likely tell the affair partner that their spouse does not want sex. 

The OW at first told my STBEH the same, yet in later emails the truth comes out. The truth was that she said she was NEVER attracted to him, and didn't know why she married him except that he provided a cushy lifestyle. 

At least my STBEH never said he wasn't attracted to me. He just complained that I wasn't as interested in sex as I once was. 

But it is still humiliating to have people assume that what he and she said is automatically true.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> You're right. My self esteem has just been totally wiped out. And now with everyone knowing... And I feel like people can just look at me and know, like it's stamped on my forehead. I'm at nine months out and it just seems worse. I feel worse. I've aged. My face looks dull, eyes dark and sunken in, tons of gray I didn't have before. This has aged me ten years. I'm just physically done and then this week...
> Let's just say we're at a point I can't talk to him anymore about this.


One of the worst things I did to my husband was to start wearing make up daily. 

He always asked me not to wear makeup. He said I looked great without it and he like the way i looked. 

His OW, however wore tons of make up and had fake bleach blonde hair, and was getting lipo suction at the spa and facials and lip injections. Can you imagine, lipo suction and she is only in her 30s and still looks plump.

So, after I found out I never went out of the house without wearing makeup, not too much like her, but enough to notice. 

I also started wearing my long hair down, and flowing. 

During our false R, he commented on it and complained that he did not like the way I looked in make up. 

I couldn't believe his audacity. 

In reality I think he just didn't like the fact that when I wear my hair down and wear makeup, more men will stare at me. 

He actually mentions men staring at me. 

Well too bad. He should have thought about that prior to his affair.

So, my point is, get yourself together, girl. Start taking care of yourself. Buy new cloths, learn how to put on makeup. 

Go out with people and have fun. Enjoy life, you should.


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## rigcol (Jul 24, 2012)

You wrote, "He had a one night stand with some twenty year old model after I'd had two c-sections and nursed both my babies. How do I compare to that?" You're right, you don't compare to that. You are leaps and bounds better than the 20 year old. 

Please hold your head up high for doing the right things for the right reason and being a mother -- the hardest job in the world. I realize this is easier said than done given the circumstances but you are to be commended for all you have done.


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