# anyone else stuck to a failed marriage due to religious beliefs?



## wild_irish_rose

Has anyone here had experience with staying in a HORRIBLE, obviously failed marriage because you have been taught that divorce for ANY reason is worse than the worst marriage possibly could be?

I grew up in a church that taught that there were NO legitimate grounds for divorce - even adultery could be forgiven and moved on from. People in my childhood church were asked to leave if they divorced. Even went so far as to support abusive husbands over their abused wives. I know now that this was wrong and bordered on spiritual abuse, but I can't seem to get past it in my own marriage.

My husband and I have been living separately for 7 years now - the first two were due to unavoidable circumstances, but when those had been resolved he still refused to move us back in together as a family. He has had at least one and possibly multiple girlfriends since leaving. However, we remain married, I don't even know why on his part, but for me it's because I haven't felt that God has released me from the marriage. I don't know if this is true or if my spiritual upbringing is misleading me. And I'm hoping there are others out there who have been in similar situations, where you have felt like you had to stay in a failed marriage because of your spiritual beliefs. What did you end up deciding? Did you leave the marriage in the end, or did you follow what you felt was God's leading and end up with restoration of your marriage?


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## Parrothead

wild_irish_rose said:


> Has anyone here had experience with staying in a HORRIBLE, obviously failed marriage because you have been taught that divorce for ANY reason is worse than the worst marriage possibly could be?
> 
> I grew up in a church that taught that there were NO legitimate grounds for divorce - even adultery could be forgiven and moved on from. People in my childhood church were asked to leave if they divorced. Even went so far as to support abusive husbands over their abused wives. I know now that this was wrong and bordered on spiritual abuse, but I can't seem to get past it in my own marriage.
> 
> My husband and I have been living separately for 7 years now - the first two were due to unavoidable circumstances, but when those had been resolved he still refused to move us back in together as a family. He has had at least one and possibly multiple girlfriends since leaving. However, we remain married, I don't even know why on his part, but for me it's because I haven't felt that God has released me from the marriage. I don't know if this is true or if my spiritual upbringing is misleading me. And I'm hoping there are others out there who have been in similar situations, where you have felt like you had to stay in a failed marriage because of your spiritual beliefs. What did you end up deciding? Did you leave the marriage in the end, or did you follow what you felt was God's leading and end up with restoration of your marriage?


Have you ever been in a marriage you thought was dead that was brought back from the brink to become a second honeymoon due to the practicing of religious (Christian, specifically) beliefs?

I have. 

It has a lot to do with the triangle posted on this very forum by Riverside. 

It also helps to love your mate and be willing to do what it takes.


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## wild_irish_rose

Parrothead said:


> It also helps to love your mate and be willing to do what it takes.


But I guess that's just what I'm asking - what DOES it take, when there is ZERO communication between husband and wife and the husband wants it to continue that way? He won't return my calls, he's blocked me on Facebook and on his cell phone, he's told his HR department at work not to talk to me, he returns my letters, even the ones from his son, unopened. His parents and his brother refuse to talk to me as well. It's obvious he wants nothing to do with us and yet he doesn't file for divorce.

He's a practicing Wiccan, not a Christian, so it's not his beliefs that are holding him back like it is for me. He's told me many times that he hates Christians and everything to do with Christianity. He and his mother used to ridicule me something fierce back when I first became a Christian. Whether or not that's part of the reason he left, I couldn't tell you, but it wouldn't surprise me at all.

I have no love for him after so many years and after the way he has treated me and our child. I have to believe that the reason I feel so strongly against divorcing him is because God is putting it in my heart not to. But others have suggested that maybe it's not God at all but my own fears that being divorced will somehow make me "less" of a Christian. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, I know thinks I should remain married to him any longer. Not even my current pastor and he's not one to counsel in favor of divorce. I just wish I knew if I was really doing God's will in choosing to stay in this marriage - because if I am not, I could end up spending the rest of my life alone and that definitely is not something I want.


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## ItHappenedToMe

Rose, the Bible gives two grounds for divorce: adultery, and abandonment. Adultery is not a requirement for divorce, but can be grounds for it. Obviously, if the LS chooses to forgive...

Feelings aside, it sounds like you have grounds for one, if not both (you'd have to prove the adultery, or have him admit it). 

Are you in a church now? Do they (the Session) practice biblical discipline? Go to them, talk to your pastor. 

If they brush it aside, I'd change churches. And the biblical principal for doing so would be that 'my current church is not following the Bible's principals.' Look at a Statement of Faith to any church. If they say they follow the Bible first and foremost, dig deeper. If your current church says that, push the issue with them. If they flake, leave. When you go to a new church, see if they really do. 

It's tough, I know. It's hard to leave friends. But you need a church whose beliefs are in line with the Scriptures.


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## ItHappenedToMe

Remember, 1 Cor 7:13-14 says the unbelieving spouse is sanctified by the believing spouse, and if they choose to stay, to stay with them.

1 Cor 7
13And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. 

14For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. 

If he leaves:

15But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace. 



“For the LORD is our judge, the LORD is our lawgiver, the LORD is our king; he will save us.” Isaiah 33:22 KJV


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## Parrothead

ItHappenedToMe said:


> Remember, 1 Cor 7:13-14 says the unbelieving spouse is sanctified by the believing spouse, and if they choose to stay, to stay with them.
> 
> 1 Cor 7
> 13And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.
> 
> 14For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.
> 
> If he leaves:
> 
> 15But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.
> 
> 
> 
> “For the LORD is our judge, the LORD is our lawgiver, the LORD is our king; he will save us.” Isaiah 33:22 KJV



Here it is in modern English:



> To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
> 
> But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.


I am sorry for your troubles, but my reading of the scriptures tells me that you have done all you are expected to do. If you feel compelled to let him go, I would say "go in peace". 

I just have a tendency to err on the conservative side when talking to people I don't know. 

And just between us, most of the Wiccans I have met have a bit of a superiority complex that wouldn't allow them to be seen as hateful toward Christians. They might think it, but not say it. This guy sounds like a piece of work.


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## wild_irish_rose

_Are you in a church now? Do they (the Session) practice biblical discipline? Go to them, talk to your pastor. _

Yes, I have belonged to my church for about 2 years now. I'm not sure what you mean about Biblical discipline though. If you mean for my husband, since he's not a Christian, it really doesn't apply to him. The only times in his entire life he has darkened the door of a church are for weddings and funerals. I can't imagine him submitting himself to "discipline" from a bunch of strangers with a belief system he has no use for. He'd probably laugh in their faces and walk out. And that's assuming he could be convinced to walk in to begin with. Other than maybe with a gun to shoot us all. That's how much he hates Christians.

_And just between us, most of the Wiccans I have met have a bit of a superiority complex that wouldn't allow them to be seen as hateful toward Christians. They might think it, but not say it. This guy sounds like a piece of work. _

He hates Christians because his parents raised him that way. His mother was repeatedly molested by a Catholic priest as a child and it really affected the way she views all Christianity now. He didn't become Wiccan until he started dating his most recent GF, who is a practicing "white" witch. Considering before her he always considered himself an atheist, I doubt he really takes it seriously. He just does it because it probably fits in with his Dungeons and Dragons, Society for Medieval Anachronisms, online fantasy-gaming lifestyle. A lifestyle I embraced whole-heartedly until I became a Christian and now wonder what I ever saw in it.


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## Parrothead

> Considering before her he always considered himself an atheist, I doubt he really takes it seriously. He just does it because it probably fits in with his Dungeons and Dragons, Society for Medieval Anachronisms, online fantasy-gaming lifestyle. A lifestyle I embraced whole-heartedly until I became a Christian and now wonder what I ever saw in it.


Well, as you may have guessed by reading my posts, I am a hard core Christian, was once in the ministry myself, and have a fairly low tolerance for people who pervert Christianity, whether they be child molesters, misogynists, or just your garden variety space cadets who think Jesus Christ was Ghandi and God is the guy in the mirror.

But I used to hang around with the Society for Creative Anachronism guys, and shoot bows with them and play with swords (I still have mine!) and I think that's harmless, as long as you keep in perspective. 

Anything that comes between a man and wife is not of God, especially not Wicca, which reminds me of the many fads I have seen come and go.


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## ItHappenedToMe

wild_irish_rose said:


> _Are you in a church now? Do they (the Session) practice biblical discipline? Go to them, talk to your pastor. _
> 
> Yes, I have belonged to my church for about 2 years now. I'm not sure what you mean about Biblical discipline though. If you mean for my husband, since he's not a Christian, it really doesn't apply to him. The only times in his entire life he has darkened the door of a church are for weddings and funerals. I can't imagine him submitting himself to "discipline" from a bunch of strangers with a belief system he has no use for. He'd probably laugh in their faces and walk out. And that's assuming he could be convinced to walk in to begin with. Other than maybe with a gun to shoot us all. That's how much he hates Christians.


Biblical discipline is just that...applying the Scriptures appropriately to sin...to you, to your husband, to whomever. 

In the case of your husband, he'd have to be a member of the church, and part of membership is submission to the Elders (ordianed men who make up the members of the Session). In your case they would counsel you on the specifics, advising you if you had grounds for a biblical divorce due to adultery &/or abandonment or not. They would work with you through the healing process as well.

In my experience if you have a Board of Directors and not a Session, you won't have biblical discipline. You may have pastors advising you but it doesn't go far enough.

Start with your pastor, and ask how the church is governed. He'll tell you.


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## Catherine602

I don't know anything about the religious practices that you are discussing but I believe in a just and loving God. 

Men interpret the Bible and you can find support for all the secs that exist on earth. How do you decide what is pleasing in the eyes of God.

I view each individuals relationship with God as personal and intimate. I think he speaks to each of us according to to challenges that he has given us. What do you think would be best for you? If you spoke directly to Jesus, what would he say to you. Would he tell you to stay and suffer? 

His life was full of mercy for each and every one of us - he knows our lives personally. would he want you to stay and continue having the glowing spirit he gave you beaten down by a dirtbag husband. Show some faith and ditch him. 

I believe we can go directly to him in pray without intermediaries. According Revelations, you will stand alone not with the pastor to answer for yourself "And the dead were judged according to their works, by the things which were written in the books." *

Therefore, you must live your life according to a personal relationship with God. I don't think that we are meant to sacrifice ourselves for any unworthy mortal. That is what you are doing, you are not living the life God gave you, no notations are being made in your book of life all because of one unworthy man 

You are precious In the eyes of God, he wants you to be happy he wants you to find love and to live in thanksgiving for His gifts. I believe if you left your husband and took up with bf, he would have had the pastor at his door the next day advising him to leave the s*l*u*t*. But as a woman you are advised to wait while he has manly fun and humiliates you the faithful wife. 

God did not make separate codes of behavior for men and women.. In my opinion you don't need to hesitate leave this intolerable evil situation and don't look back. Be like Lot and he two daughters, the angels are beckoning you to flee!

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 4sure

I followed Gods leading and divorced him.

You've been divorced from him within your heart for a long time. You only have a peice of paper by the state saying you are married.

Church, pastor all that is good. Read the Word for yourself. Get Godly knowledge, wisdom, and revelation from His Word.


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## wild_irish_rose

_But I used to hang around with the Society for Creative Anachronism guys, and shoot bows with them and play with swords (I still have mine!) and I think that's harmless, as long as you keep in perspective._

No, the local SCA group we used to belong to as a couple (and which he still belongs to with his GF) was way more than that. They practiced open sexual relationships (even the married couples), Wicca/witchcraft, and lots and lots of alcohol and illegal drugs. Although I personally never took part in anything other than the play-acting part of it. But it turns out he was WAY more involved with the other stuff behind my back than I ever knew about. I just thought he was working late a lot. I was very naive back in those days.

_If that's the way you want it, if she can't trust her pastor (who she knows) or the "system" (which she counts on for support), then she sure as Lord can't trust a nameless, faceless message board poster who doesn't know her from Eve. _

It's not that I don't trust my pastor - it's just that we are a very small church, he's only ever pastored small churches, and by his OWN admission, he doesn't feel qualified to deal with a divorce involving one spouse w/in and one spouse outside of our congregation. It's not something he's ever dealt with before. And living in a small rural community, we don't exactly have a ton of Christian counselors around here. I went to DivorceCare for a session, but it was a small group (only 4 people including the leaders) and as such I didn't find it to be much help to me. I've gotten very confused by the things I have seen on sites like Rejoice Ministries (which promote "standing" for failed/failing marriages and other sites claiming that "standing" is a bunch of unBiblical BS.


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## Parrothead

wild_irish_rose said:


> No, the local SCA group we used to belong to as a couple (and which he still belongs to with his GF) was way more than that. They practiced open sexual relationships (even the married couples), Wicca/witchcraft, and lots and lots of alcohol and illegal drugs.


Has the world gone insane? Like I said, the SCA people I knew were mostly harmless, although in large groups of people playing make believe you are bound to end up with a few nuts. And as a group I have always thought Wiccans were just a bunch of want-to-be Harry Potter types (even before Harry Potter). 

Watching the news lately, though, has me doubting the sanity of a lot of people. 



> It's not that I don't trust my pastor - it's just that we are a very small church, he's only ever pastored small churches, and by his OWN admission, he doesn't feel qualified to deal with a divorce involving one spouse w/in and one spouse outside of our congregation. It's not something he's ever dealt with before. And living in a small rural community, we don't exactly have a ton of Christian counselors around here. I went to DivorceCare for a session, but it was a small group (only 4 people including the leaders) and as such I didn't find it to be much help to me. I've gotten very confused by the things I have seen on sites like Rejoice Ministries (which promote "standing" for failed/failing marriages and other sites claiming that "standing" is a bunch of unBiblical BS.


Yeah, I get that, but I mean what I said. I think you have fulfilled your part of the deal and needn't concern yourself with any spiritual ramifications, although we always feel bad when a marriage ends, even a bad one. 

Can you get some IC where you are? Trust me, I live in the middle of nowhere and we didn't even have a movie theater until a couple of months ago, but there is a counselor in town. 

And I also meant what I said about message boards. Think long and hard before taking the advice of anybody here - these people aren't wrapped any tighter than you are, or they wouldn't be here. Some say wounded people can support each other, and there is some of that, but there is also the "misery loves company" thing going on. I learned THAT the hard way. 

Pray about it - what you should do will come to you.


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## wild_irish_rose

_Can you get some IC where you are? Trust me, I live in the middle of nowhere and we didn't even have a movie theater until a couple of months ago, but there is a counselor in town. _

I did see a Christian IC for a couple of sessions. Unfortunately it was a 60 mile drive one-way and she charged $120 per one hour session. I couldn't afford either the gas or the sessions anymore after I lost my job just a couple of months ago. And she really wasn't a lot of help - she's the one who told me my childhood church was committing spiritual abuse by teaching that you should stay even in an abusive marriage, and she told me that in the end I need to follow what I believe God is telling me to do and I still haven't been able to figure that one out. She did tell me she thinks I might be holding on because I believe that it's better to be married than single even though I AM single for all intents and purposes. I don't know if I agree with her or not since I would love to start dating again and I can't do that as long as I remain married. I also realized that I have some deep-seated fears that my husband will try to play nasty if we do go to divorce court, and try to take our son away from me. Not that I truly believe he would win but I really don't want to drag our son through a custody battle - he's already emotionally screwed up enough from his father's abandonment.


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## grizabella

The one thing I haven't heard from you yet is...what does Rose want? Not the church, not your ex nor enyone here. One of the greatest gifts God has given us is self-determination. We are not driven solely by instinct like animals, but can determine what we want and what is good for us and thoughtfully pursue it. If you wish to be free of this situation, what is holding YOU back? Not anything in Scripture. I don't know what church you belong to, but if their teachings are not based on Scripture, they are not sound. You say your Pastor is inexperienced and cannot help you. What do you want from him anyway? Tell me, Rose, where do you want to be and how do you want to be living one year from today?


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## wild_irish_rose

I WANT to be free to start dating again. But that in and of itself makes me feel guilty, because I had no interest in dating and was really quite all right coasting along in my sham of a marriage right until I met someone I WOULD be interested in dating. I just can't believe it would be OK for me to put up with my situation right until something came along that made me want out of it. And yet at the same time I wonder if this new guy coming along and being so attractive to me might be a sign that it is OK for me to move on...

My mentor at church (we have a women's mentoring program) tells me that what I have to remember is that I can't go wrong by NOT divorcing. To divorce my husband may or may not be a sin but to NOT divorce him cannot be a sin. She's been there, done that - she stayed in a marriage very similar to mine, her husband was gone for 20 years and she never divorced him, he died before they ever reconciled and she's actually OK with that because she believes she followed the Lord's leading by staying with him. I just don't know if I can be like that, I can't stand the thought of spending the rest of my life (physically) alone the way she has.


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## ItHappenedToMe

wild_irish_rose said:


> My mentor at church (we have a women's mentoring program) tells me that what I have to remember is that I can't go wrong by NOT divorcing. To divorce my husband may or may not be a sin but to NOT divorce him cannot be a sin. She's been there, done that - she stayed in a marriage very similar to mine, her husband was gone for 20 years and she never divorced him, he died before they ever reconciled and she's actually OK with that because she believes she followed the Lord's leading by staying with him. I just don't know if I can be like that, I can't stand the thought of spending the rest of my life (physically) alone the way she has.


That's a very Roman Catholic teaching...waiting until he dies before moving on. 

1 Cor 7 says it is not a sin to be free of a non-believing husband who refuses to live with you (with or without adultery).

My H was abandoned by his first W, and we had to go through this biblical review of his D. We had to sort this out, too.


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## cb45

i tend to agree with PHead on most pts here.

1. what r u doing with a wiccand in the 1st place? 
(answer that for yerself cuz i'm tired of reading folks
excuses &/or other tripe)

2. u r "legally" marr'd, nothing more. spiritually u r divorced by his decisions/actions. u know it. he knows it. God knows it.
exit stage R or L but.....EXIT toots. (Phead quoted correct
scripture on yer "rights" re: his leaving)

3. your "church" almost sounds like a wiccand one to me, with
crappy "advice" like this/that. no matter. RC, Prot, whatever
get OUT! U are not marr'd to them, u r only marr'd to Jesus
right? i said "right?" i SAY......"right"! if not, theres yer 
biggest problem/dilemma to start with. churches are a dime
a dozen. heck, u can even start yer own pretty easily in this
country. God is telling u what to do, or simply giving u the
freedom to choose based on yer faith/understanding of HIM
via scriptures.

4. remarriage/sexual rel'shps is whole another matter.
first deal with yer problem/solution b4 u drag/mess up
another persons life.


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## wild_irish_rose

_1. what r u doing with a wiccan in the 1st place? _

I was not a believer when I married him. We met in 1991, married in 1994, I did not become a believer until 2000. Yes, I grew up in a Christian church, but when I went off to college I basically threw it all right out the door and didn't look back for over a decade. And he didn't become a Wiccan until after we separated - he only became Wiccan when he started seeing his current GF who is a Wiccan. During the years we were together, I would have called myself an agnostic and he would have called himself an atheist. I think he really still is an atheist he's just playing at the whole Wiccan thing for her sake.

_3. your "church" almost sounds like a wiccan one to me_

My church is Northern Baptist. It's actually a very good church and most of my family has been going there my entire life. It's just that we change pastors a lot b/c we tend to call men who end up wanting to move on to bigger churches, so we have a lot of change which can be confusing. Our current pastor is the best one we've had in a long time and he says he wants to stay with us until retirement so hopefully we won't have to go through a search again anytime soon. His sermons are actually very scripturally sound but he doesn't believe that he is a qualified counselor so he doesn't do a lot of that kind of thing. And he's new enough to this area to not know anyone he can refer me to. I had to drive over 60 miles one-way to see the counselor I did see earlier this year and she honestly wasn't much help for the $120 an hour she charged me.


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## Runs like Dog

No but when one becomes much more religiously observant and conservative than the other partner it's a huge deal. I was reared Orthodox and slowly fell away from it to a more conserva-dox bent. My wife was reared entirely conservative but has tended more toward Orthodox over time. Neither of us are Frum or Shomer Shabbos but of the two of us she is much more observant and otherwise much more preachy and moralizing. I've got little patience for that. Everything isn't bad everything isn't a moral failing.


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## ItHappenedToMe

Runs like Dog said:


> No but when one becomes much more religiously observant and conservative than the other partner it's a huge deal. I was reared Orthodox and slowly fell away from it to a more conserva-dox bent. My wife was reared entirely conservative but has tended more toward Orthodox over time. Neither of us are Frum or Shomer Shabbos but of the two of us she is much more observant and otherwise much more preachy and moralizing. I've got little patience for that. Everything isn't bad everything isn't a moral failing.


A red-neck Jewish guy with a dry wit that runs like a dog.

Says it all!


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## Jamie's_Mom

Honey, no offense - but I survived my husband's cheating that lasted about a year, and that was hard enough to get past and save our marriage. I can't imagine even wanting him back if he'd been not only not living with me, but living with another woman for seven years! I'd be constantly wondering about whether he was comparing me to her, wishing he was back with her, wondering if he was going to leave me for her (or someone else) again, etc.

I consider myself a fairly spiritual person, it's one of the reasons I chose to forgive my husband and take him back after what he put me through. But I don't think I could forgive 7 years of what basically amounts to abandonment. I think you have every right to move on with your life. Trust me, your H already has. This may hurt you to hear, but I doubt he even spends 10% of the time thinking of you that you spend thinking of him.


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## grizabella

Rose, your marriage has been dead for a long time. If a person is a no show for 7 years they can be declared dead, I think we can safely say a marriage can be too. You need to put the final nail in that coffin and bury that body. Have a nice good-by service if you need to but you need to move on. You may be called on to be a martyr some day but not for the sake of your marriage. God never calls us to that. The enemy has made you feel guilty and kept you on the sidelines so you can't be happy and "make a joyful noise". I'm afraid your mentor needs some mentoring herself. Maybe I won't sin if I don't get out of bed in the AM, but you know I just gotta risk it. Christ covered our humanity with his blood and it's ok to be a woman with need and wants. If you were called to burn yourself on the altar of your failed marriage, God would have equiped you for it. You need to pray and ask how you can glorify Him through this.


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## freshstart

Rose, I can relate to your situation. I don't really have any advice bc I am going through a bad marriage too but I just want you to know that you are not alone. I fight with leaving my husband only because i fear the Lord. If I wanted a worldly reason, I would undeniably leave him but I love the Lord and I care about his word and what it states. So I hope you pray for the right answer just as I will and I will pray for you with that decision.


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## wild_irish_rose

Well I have asked him for a divorce and he has, while not openly refusing me, chosen to stonewall me. He won't talk to me, he won't let me know where he is living, he won't see a divorce mediator with me. He says if I want it badly enough I'll have to hire a lawyer (which I can't afford) and go through the regular legal channels. And he intends to fight me even though I'm not asking him for anything I don't already have (except for my possessions which he has kept from me since we separated). I don't know why he is being such a jerk he admits he has no interest in reconciliation. I have to wonder if his refusal to "play nice" is a sign from God that He really doesn't want me to go through with the divorce.


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## Debbie Roxs

Rose you must be hurting deeply. I'm sorry you are going through this.
He has already left you. You need to make it final because if he runs up some big credit card bills you can be held liable and he can ruin your credit. If he ever gets saved and changes in the future you could get back together. Please don't hold your breath waiting for that to happen. Again I'm so sorry he treated you this way.


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## nicky1

ok firstly the church has not much of a clue about marriage, since they dismiss all the marriage laws in the torah they are free to make up there own doctrines re catholic church, messiah said the only reason for divorce is fornication, this means the wife presented herself as a virgin as she should but really she wasnt, so the man was tricked into marrying a woman who was not in the correct state for marriage re dueteronomy, and as for adultery there again all the laws are in the torah, the church dissmisses this and then wonders why they fail, if a wife commits adultery and the husband accuses her and it is proven she is put to death, then there is no more marriage, if a husband goes astry and lies with another woman he commits a trust violation, if the other woman was married then they will both be put to death so therefore no more marriage, if the man has abandoned his wife for bcos he finds no favour in her she may go and marry again, but he can never take her back, and he causes her to commit adultery with her new man BUT the original husband takes the consequence for that bcos he sent her away, go and find a new man who will love you for you.


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## PFTGuy

wild_irish_rose said:


> Has anyone here had experience with staying in a HORRIBLE, obviously failed marriage because you have been taught that divorce for ANY reason is worse than the worst marriage possibly could be?
> 
> I grew up in a church that taught that there were NO legitimate grounds for divorce - even adultery could be forgiven and moved on from. People in my childhood church were asked to leave if they divorced. Even went so far as to support abusive husbands over their abused wives. I know now that this was wrong and bordered on spiritual abuse, but I can't seem to get past it in my own marriage.
> 
> My husband and I have been living separately for 7 years now - the first two were due to unavoidable circumstances, but when those had been resolved he still refused to move us back in together as a family. He has had at least one and possibly multiple girlfriends since leaving. However, we remain married, I don't even know why on his part, but for me it's because I haven't felt that God has released me from the marriage. I don't know if this is true or if my spiritual upbringing is misleading me. And I'm hoping there are others out there who have been in similar situations, where you have felt like you had to stay in a failed marriage because of your spiritual beliefs. What did you end up deciding? Did you leave the marriage in the end, or did you follow what you felt was God's leading and end up with restoration of your marriage?


Hi Wild,
I have remained in an unhappy marriage for a long time partially out of religious beliefs, and partly out of a sense of obligation to our daughter, who I didn't want to suffer through the hardships of divorce. 

I think that people should not read the Bible like a legal text, and preachers who act like they are biblical lawyers are no different than the pharisees. In Christ, we have the law, but we also have Grace. Grace triumphs over everything. Do the best you can, and love yourself. 

By the way, my understanding is that the problem with divorce is not the divorce itself, but the rejoining with someone else (then we become adulterers).


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## nicky1

grace is the power given unto man to do Gods will, what is Gods will? to be part of His covenant people and obey His word...the torah..messiah showed how His people were to live the law from a want to love deed way and not a have to legal way, BUT the legal part is still valid, if you are not part of His people one can do whatever they like, so who are His people? christains....NO the church....NO any man made religion...NO it is Israel


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## InsaneFatherof2

I would like to give you my feed back. I grew up in a very conservative religious family. My grandfather on my mothers side was an assembly of God minister. My father was Lutheran.

I was marriage for 9 years when I filed for a divorce. I got marriage at 21 years old. My ex and I were in and out of marriage counseling all the time. I was the one that file for divorce in the end because I could not see myself raising kids any more with this person. She had been very degrading towards me, had a huge temper, and even hit me a few time.. I lost a lot of myself confidence around her and work. Going through the divorce I was pretty much abandon my church. I felt like Job in the bible for the most part. I was the first person on both sides of my family to get a divorce. I tried and tried to make it work for 9 years, even though I felt like I was living in hell.

One thing I came to realize during the divorce at the bottom of depression was that Christ came to forgive all sins and give us a second chance. That was some I had to really feel for the first time and not just hear it spoken to me in church.

I am not saying this is the answer for every one but marriage should be a representation of God's love. My marriage at the time was not.

Since then, I have remarried. I now live with my best friend and couldn't have been better. We have survived together through some really tough times such as losing our first daughter. I now have two more daughters that I am blessed with and could not be raising my kids with a better person. My career at work has taken off because my confidence came back to me (which I never realized I lost during my first marriage).

Before my divorce I was probably to harsh on those getting a divorce and now I understand Christ power of forgiveness. I often find myself counseling those going through tough times.

To this day, I still fell guilty about getting married in the first place. I got married for all the wrong reason at 20. I think that was my mistake and not listening to God back then.

I hope this helps a little.


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## Mike188

That's the problem with using religion as a basis for making decisions. There is no consistency and you can talk to 10 different Christians and get 10 different versions about what they think the bible says on any particular subject. You can shop around until you get the answer you want and then just go with that one.


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## hurtnohio

Mike188 said:


> That's the problem with using religion as a basis for making decisions. There is no consistency and you can talk to 10 different Christians and get 10 different versions about what they think the bible says on any particular subject. You can shop around until you get the answer you want and then just go with that one.


That's not an exclusive problem with religion. Go to any 10 people on the street and ask them "Is President Obama the Antichrist?" and you'll probably get 10 different answers. 

The problem with "religion" (which is man's attempt to understand God) is not that God is inconsistent. The problem is that we mere mortals are trying to understand an immortal being. Something's bound to get lost in the translation.


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## DTO

wild_irish_rose said:


> Well I have asked him for a divorce and he has, while not openly refusing me, chosen to stonewall me. He won't talk to me, he won't let me know where he is living, he won't see a divorce mediator with me. He says if I want it badly enough I'll have to hire a lawyer (which I can't afford) and go through the regular legal channels. And he intends to fight me even though I'm not asking him for anything I don't already have (except for my possessions which he has kept from me since we separated). I don't know why he is being such a jerk he admits he has no interest in reconciliation. I have to wonder if his refusal to "play nice" is a sign from God that He really doesn't want me to go through with the divorce.


You can split the difference and get a person (like a paralegal) to file the paperwork for you. Then, if it becomes a contested court issue, you can get an attorney.

Go see an attorney for an initial consult. For that matter, go see a few and find one you like. Most do an initial consult for free, some may charge a nominal fee like $50.

BTW, Biblical discipline is from Matthew 18. You are right that if he is not a Christian it will be meaningless to him. For that matter, even people who claim to be Christians find ways to claim exemption from the process or justify their sinning.


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## allisterfiend

My wife believes in a god. I do not. We have been great together for over 20 years. We dont go to church. Its a waste of time. My Family is a bunch of sheite catholics but Im not so easily convinced or fooled.

Im just saying that if you love each other then you should love each other enough to respect each others beliefs. I tell my wife that believing in a god is dumb, but I never tell her she is dumb for doing it.

She asks how am I gonna get to heaven thinking like this. I tell her I am not going to heaven. When I die Im going to The Body Farm.

God did not create man, Man created god.


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## luckycardinal

I am, partially. I am Christian but I don't blindly follow any faith. I don't attend church right now only because I can't really find a church that shares my beliefs enough to justify my going there. I'd love to find other like-minded people, though, to fellowship with. I am well-educated and have come to believe because I think there is good evidence that God exists and that Christianity is true.

I'm stuck in a marriage with a man who has been very verbally and emotionally abusive to me for a long time. He also is a habitual substance abuser. I'm not against drinking at all and enjoy a beer at times myself, but I don't get drunk every day and stay that way most of the time. He drinks and/or gets stoned every single day. He also does not work, doesn't help much around the house, won't help the kids with their homework and is not too involved with them at all and generally just does his "own thing" without much thought of what I think.

Part of the reason I haven't left is because I feel that my faith has told me to forgive others as God has forgiven me, to be long-suffering and to try to preserve the marriage if possible. I do think that no one should stay in a physically abusive marriage or one with infidelity, but I wonder if this is "my cross to bear" sometimes. I would love to get out of the marriage and find someone with whom I'm truly compatible, but I'm not sure that person exists. I'm also not sure if re-marrying after divorce is OK. So, yes, I've stayed in this marriage due in part to my faith.


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## Runs like Dog

My religion frowns on murder. So, yes.


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