# Trial seperation? dont know what to do?



## ABC1234 (Jun 21, 2011)

Hi

Bit of background, my husband started seeing someone else for 10 months when the other womans husband informed me. My H said he would stop it, I believed him, found out 6 weeks later he is still seeing her, told me again he would stop, roll on nearly a year later and they still meet, for coffee etc. I have said I will not stand for this.

He doesn't want to leave me and my daughter but says he doesn't know of he can give up other woman too, I don't want to wreck my daughters life but at what stage do I give up? I still love him and he says he still loves me but is it enough?

God If I was reading this I would tell the woman to ditch hubby asap. To add to it, this woman intentially went out to try to start an affair with him and even told hi friends she wanted him to leave his wife before she even knew him, and he knows this.

Sorry if this is a ramble


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

ABC1234 said:


> Hi
> 
> Bit of background, my husband started seeing someone else for 10 months when the other womans husband informed me. My H said he would stop it, I believed him, found out 6 weeks later he is still seeing her, told me again he would stop, roll on nearly a year later and they still meet, for coffee etc. I have said I will not stand for this.
> 
> ...


The situation is liable to get worse if you let this go on. It will get to the point where there will be a lot of tension in the house and daughter WILL feel and be affected by it.

The sooner you can put a stop to this, the sooner things will get better .

You need to give him an ultimatum ... Her or You ... and don't be surprised if he were to choose the other side. You probably secretly feel this already, but hey ... you're headed for disaster anyway and you're already feeling miserable.

Maybe a little counseling would help but if he refuses .....?

Separation is an ugly word, but sometimes the reality of it all tends to wake up the other side. Think about it.

What are your alternatives? Are you willing to live in this miserable state indefinitely?


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## waitwhat (Jun 12, 2011)

I'm going to speak from being in your husband's shoes. He probably will keep telling you it's over and it isn't. If you give him an ultimatum, he might choose you, but will keep seeing her. 
I don't think you should tell your daughter or your parents exactly what is going on in case it resolves itself, but you should ask him to leave and don't let him come back - at least not until he is ready to be done with the OW. 
This doesn't mean he doesn't still love and care for you, no matter what the others say. I think he does, or he would have just left when you found out initially. He's just being a big selfish baby. Take a hiatus from the insanity, and talk to a professional while you're at it. If you look like you are miserable or struggling, his guilt might bring him home before he's ready. If you can, be strong and healthy. A life well lived is the best revenge. I'm not an expert, so take what I say with a grain of salt.


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## ABC1234 (Jun 21, 2011)

Thanks for your replies, he does say he knows what he wants and he wants me and our family, but he also says it will be hard to give the OW up as he's been seeing her so long and now has a bond with her too. It doesn't help that he works with her and see's her everyday.

He feels like he's being torn in half. This is why I think time apart could help as I don't want him to stay with me if he's not happy.

The other problem of course with a trial seperation is finding the money to run two houses for a while, it would be ok if we split as the house would be sold and we would down size.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you gone through the threads in the infidelity forum? There might be some useful information in there for trying to make sure the affair is broken up and stays broken up. As well as helping you cope.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ABC1234 (Jun 21, 2011)

Thanks will have a look


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok so by the math this affair has been happening for almost 2 yrs? 

The problem is this: 



ABC1234 said:


> My H said he would stop it, I believed him, found out 6 weeks later _he is still seeing her_, told me again he would stop, roll on nearly a year later and they still meet, for coffee etc. *I have said I will not stand for this.*


Sure, you have said it, but you have done nothing to back up your words, hence why he gets to keep his affair AND the marriage. 

Because you let him. 

And he has no incentive to stop either since you allow this happen, you tolerate it. 

So either tell him it's cut off forever or you are filing for divorce. You have to mean it though. Cause words and talk are cheap. Which is very aware of sinec you've told him in the past you won't stand for it yet... you're still there waiting for him everytime he comes back from meeting with the OW.

If you haven't talked to her husband and let him know it's still happening, tell him today. Get tested for STDs.

I would have seen a lawyer a looong time ago.

Read the book "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson. You can get it at the library (free) or bookstore. It makes good points. 

It says to respect yourself enough to put your foot down. See, all of his needs are being met, but none of yours are.

I would tell his family that the affair is still happening and you are leaving the marriage. I would blow up the affair to everyone important to her. 

He's already made it clear he's not giving her up. He has no reason to. He gets to keep his wife and mistress. He has the good life. 

You need to find your self-respect and stop letting him treat you this way. He probably sees you as his doormat that he can do anything to, w/ zero consequences. Respect yourself because he clearly does not. 

If you keep going the same thing, you will get the same result. Every time. 

Oh, and you are harming your daughter very much. Because yu're letting her grow up thinking that it's perfectly fine for daddy to cheat on mommy for yrs while you sit idly by. She will grow up thinking this is totally normal. Read this site for the women's post who's fathers cheated on their mothers, grown women now, who still deal with that psychologically and emotionally. They think of their fathers in a very bad way and sometimes the mother even moreso, for putting up with it, for not being respectable enough to show them what a good role model is.


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## ABC1234 (Jun 21, 2011)

Hi Jelly beans,

I'll try to explain, When I first found out he promised me he would stop seeing her, then someone saw them together 6 weeks later and he told me again he would stop seeing her. I felt I had to try and believe him to give the marriage a chance to work.

I've since found out about a month ago he's been meeting her again, coffee etc. She's since left her husband and children and moved out on her own, she wants him to move in with her. I do believe deep down he wants to be with me and our family.

He said he's told her again he wants nothing to do with her and she's said she won't accept that and she wont stay away, as I said they work together, not very closely but enough to make it awkward.

I have told him this is his last chance, but I want him to make the right decision, I don't want him to say I'll stay with you and be here again in a months time. 

He just says he finds it very hard to walk away from her, I thought maybe a trial speration, where he see's neither of us might help.

I do know this isn't showing me in a very good light to my daughter but I'm also hoping that if it works out it will show that you can overcome these things too.

To be honest I wonder if deep down I've had enough anyway and just want to push him into a decision.

Stupid thing is I know it wouldn't last between them anyway!

His family know, but are pretty useless.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why would you think he'll stay away from her during a trial separation if he won't stay away from her when he's living at home? No offense, but that makes zero sense to me.

In my opinion, you need to go through the affair busting links in the infidelity forum. He has to be willing to be completely transparent with all his communication tools, but keep in mind how easy it is to get a prepaid cell phone or new email address. And he has to stop all communication with her. If they work together, is he willing to leave his job to make your marriage work?

If he's not willing to commit 100% to your marriage, then you separate. No more chances; you already lost most of your credibility. And until he is willing to commit 100%, the separation stays in effect.

Basically, it's time for him to put on his big boy pants and pick a path. No more cake-eating.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ABC1234 said:


> I do believe deep down he wants to be with me and our family.
> 
> He said he's told her again he wants nothing to do with her and she's said *she won't accept that and she wont stay away*, as I said they work together, not very closely but enough to make it awkward.
> 
> ...


How many last chances are you going to give him? Cause he realizes you are all talk and no action. It's not that shew on't stay away... HE also has a choice in the matter. If he were truly committed to you, and was serious abou tyour marriage, he would have axed this a LONG time ago. 

The most open doors you leave for him, the worse for you. YOu can already see that by how long this has been happening. He sees you as a spineless woman who will accept whatever crumbs he throws her way. I know that sounds harsh but basically, you are his doormat that he can wipe his feet on whenever he chooses. He KNOWS you won't put your foot down because you...haven't for two years now. He knows he can meet up with her and come home to you because you'll still be there for him.



PBear said:


> If he's not willing to commit 100% to your marriage, then you separate. No more chances; you already lost most of your credibility. And until he is willing to commit 100%, the separation stays in effect.


:iagree:

If you keep leaving the door open for him, he doesn't see a reason not to choose. So choose for him.


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## ABC1234 (Jun 21, 2011)

The idera of a trial seperation was with the view in mind that he saw neither of us.

He has said he has finished it now and says he knows they wouldn't last together and its just an infatuation etc, but has also said that it will be difficult for him as he still has the yearning to see her, he just assumes that it will get easier in time as the fog lifts. It obviously hurts me to hear stuff like this.

So now he's willing to try again and I'm not sure I want to, I want to for my daughters sake but I just wonder if I have been hurt too much. I have also stayed with him through 2 very bad bouts of clinical depression, which is what I think wrecked our marriage in the first place as I had to take care of everything, and now he thinks I'm too controlling.

I'm probably not helping by flying of the handle everytime I get insecure and then feeling guilty and declaring my undying love!

I still love him but just want it sorted once and for all so I can get on with my life either way. I'm a very positive person and he's very negative. He thinks things through constantly, going round in circles.

So it looks like he's chosen, but it still feels as though he's not sure, which I suppose he would be.

We have an appt with a councellor next week, I just need to get through the week and see what happens then I guess. Any tips?


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## ABC1234 (Jun 21, 2011)

Sorry just to add, I also asked him today if he had seen her which I know he hates me doing and I hate myself for doing, on the one hand I think don't ask and then on the other I think no, I have the right to no. And I do believe he's telling me the truth as he's been quite truthful to me about his feelings for her ( too bloody truthful really)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ABC1234 said:


> Sorry just to add, I also asked him today if he had seen her which I know he hates me doing


Too bad so sad for him. You asking him is a direct result of HIS betrayal against you for so long. Is he for real??? Can he not see why you'd doubt him?

In MC, get everything out in the open (marriage counselling = MC). I personally don't see how you could work past this but that's just me. He has betrayed you for way too damn long and he s used to you being there no matter what.

I would get individual therapy to find out why you stay with someone who treats you so poorly. You are worth far more than this BS.


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## waitwhat (Jun 12, 2011)

The reason I suggest you don't tell all the family about the affair is because my brother in law told us every horrid thing his ex wife did and made us think she was disgusting. Then they keep reconciling and it made family get togethers awkward. Hard to support their efforts or be civil to her when we know all their dirt. 
Also, it has to be awkward for her, which just puts an additional ***** in thier chances of true reconciliation. 
If my in-laws find out about my shenanigans, I'm going to add that to the list of resons it would be easier to walk away than work through my marriage, because, YEAH, I am a chicken**** who will look for the easier softer way to do anything.
I know my husband needs support, but I've asked him to lean on friends and not family.


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