# Please help!



## Hangin in there (Mar 4, 2015)

Hello all,

My wife and I have been married for 2 years now and in that time I think we've had any kind of sex 2 or 3 times. At the start before we were married the sex was great. Almost every day and did lots of different things. Now it's pretty much nothing. No sex what so ever. We don't have children

We love each other very much and she is perfect for me apart from the sex. I'm not leaving her so please don't even mention that. I couldn't live without her. 

On my behalf I do find it hard to finish while having sex so I can go for ages but need "finishing off" via masturbation. It never used to be like this.

I have tried to talk to her about having sex and I get shut down pretty quick. I've tried saying "You know a man has needs as well" I'm not sure if that was the right thing to say but I was getting frustrated.

I am getting to the stage of thinking I should go elsewhere for sex but although good a the time it would devastate her if she found out and I would feel so bad for her if she found out or not. I'm not a cheater and don't want to be but the urge seems to be building to do something about this no sex relationship.

Now I even think if she said ok let's have sex I would feel well she doesn't really want it so I wouldn't enjoy it either. I'm sick of playing to porn every day to try and curb the urge.

Can anyone help please?

TIA


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Sex was good before marriage and dried up immediately after marriage.

That's a familiar story.

Why does it happen? Who knows.. the fear of commitment probably, buyers remorse, that sort of thing.

You'll get advice such as "give her an ultimatum" or "seek counseling" but what it comes down to is she just isn't interested.

That's not likely to change. Maybe when you file for divorce it will knock some sense into her, but that's a long shot.

You don't have kids. Good. Cut your losses before you get in any deeper.

But don't go have an affair. That's for cowards. Get free, then go meet women and screw around. It's more fun and then you can go places together without fear of getting caught.

And don't get married again. It's a pointless exercise in futility with nothing to gain and everything to lose. But I don't need to tell you that, you already know.


----------



## Hangin in there (Mar 4, 2015)

Hi Lenzi,

Thanks for your advice but as I said everything else is perfect. She is the perfect person/ Partner. Just the sex part. 
I don't want to leave her. I love her to death and I know she loves me very much.


----------



## Hangin in there (Mar 4, 2015)

I apologize to everyone for posting the same question twice.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Hangin in there said:


> I apologize to everyone for posting the same question twice.


3x


----------



## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Hangin in there said:


> She is the perfect person/ Partner. Just the sex part.
> I don't want to leave her. I love her to death and I know she loves me very much.


If talking about the sex issues is difficult and she shuts you down, can you write her a letter to explain how you feel?


----------



## Hangin in there (Mar 4, 2015)

Sorry Lenzi 3x. oops.

I'm not sure that would work either Anonymous7. It's just a simple no when I want it. She has never initiated sex ever. She has said to me that when we do have sex I always want her to do thing to me ie play touch etc etc. I have asked her while having sex "What would you like me to do? What do you really like?" It all ends up just missionary and nothing else. There's always an excuse to do anything else.

I even said one night that if I can't have sex I'm going to have to go out and find it. She said go for it. Don't take that the wrong way. It was a threat lol.

We rarely argue or disagree with anything. She is a great person. As I keep saying it's just the sex.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You have to take some kind of action OP, she can't just ignore your feelings and needs. If she won't talk to you, she might talk to a doctor or counsellor. Sex is a big and important part of a marriage, she's flirting with danger to put the kibosh on in - not to mention betraying her wedding vows.

Has something changed since you were married that would trigger this? Could it be a medical issue? You've only been married less than 2 years, you should be at it like rabbits!

Does she have any issues with you that could cause resentment in her?

Just trying to figure out what could be the problem...there must be a reason, either that or it's a case of bait and switch.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Hangin

You are getting - what weak young men typically get - the pleasure of their own hand. 

Symptoms of weakness:
- denial (she doesn't love you the way a WIFE loves a husband)
- deception (you're already thinking about having an affair - a secret affair - that's different than an open marriage)
- delusion (there's nothing perfect about a partner who deceived you by pretending to like sex until you married)
- conflict avoidance (saying you will go sleep with another woman - that's not how a man has conflict - because you didn't mean it - it was a bluff - she called it and you just looked foolish and weak)

Other than that - you're doing great. 





Hangin in there said:


> Sorry Lenzi 3x. oops.
> 
> I'm not sure that would work either Anonymous7. It's just a simple no when I want it. She has never initiated sex ever. She has said to me that when we do have sex I always want her to do thing to me ie play touch etc etc. I have asked her while having sex "What would you like me to do? What do you really like?" It all ends up just missionary and nothing else. There's always an excuse to do anything else.
> 
> ...


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I think that a marriage without sex (when one person wants it) is doomed to failure. You have to tell her that you need to go to counseling to figure out why she no longer wants sex.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Try MW Davis book the Sex Starved Marriage.....and don't have kids.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Divorce.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Hangin in there said:


> been married for 2 years ...and ...I think we've had any kind of sex 2 or 3 times. ...before we were married the sex was great. Almost every day and did lots of different things. Now it's pretty much nothing...We love each other very much and she is perfect ...I'm not leaving her so please don't even mention that. I couldn't live without her.
> 
> ...I have tried to talk to her about having sex and I get shut down pretty quick. ...I am getting to the stage of thinking I should go elsewhere for sex but ...I'm not a cheater ...Now I even think if she said ok let's have sex I would feel well she doesn't really want it so I wouldn't enjoy it either. I'm sick of playing to porn every day to try and curb the urge


You've chosen "hangin in there" as your moniker. Hangin in there waiting for what exactly? For your wife to have a (never gonna happen) epiphany that she's suddenly truly interested in sex? with you? That she's interested in meeting your reasonable requests for intimacy? Why would she? She's got 2 years into this marriage and she gets what SHE wants out of this deal without having to accommodate YOU or your needs. Wow! Very one-sided, selfish, immature attitude.

Bait-and-switch: lots of great pre-marital sex, NONE afterwards. Again, she appears to be getting what SHE wants out of the marriage, but is unwilling to meet your needs.

You state you love each other "very much"; her flat-out refusal to be intimate with you PROVES she does not love you "very much". IF she did, she would be having monkey-sex with you (as she did before marriage) OR she would be seeking serious counseling to figure out why she is no longer interested in sex and she'd be seeking a solution to FIX THE PROBLEM...not seeking to convince you it ain't a problem! 

You state unequivocally that you will NOT leave her. That's your business, no-one should decide that except you. Please note, though, that NOTHING will change....5 years from now you'll still be writing about the lack of sex and how "wonderful" everything else is in a marriage with a woman who doesn't seek to know/accept/relate to you in an intimate way! Good luck with that one!

You're thinking of cheating. Why would you need to cheat? Because your "perfect" wife will not address HER problem of lack of intimacy with her basically newlywed husband.

If you're waiting for someone/anyone to come up with a magic panacea to cure your marriage's problem, you'll be waiting forever! Your wife has a problem. You have ACCEPTED her problem and made excuses for it (she's "perfect" except for this one teeny little daily-annoyance-cuz-I'm-tired-of-taking-care-of-my-own-needs-little point-of-contention).

*You have a wife who wants NEVER AGAIN to have sex with you.* Read that line OUT LOUD to yourself 3 times!She doesn't see it as a problem and doesn't want to hear from you that it *IS* a problem. 


You either accept that as your permanent reality, or 
you cut your losses and find a woman who wants a REAL marriage with YOU!


----------



## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Hangin in there said:


> I'm not sure that would work either Anonymous7. It's just a simple no when I want it. She has never initiated sex ever. She has said to me that when we do have sex I always want her to do thing to me ie play touch etc etc. I have asked her while having sex "What would you like me to do? What do you really like?" It all ends up just missionary and nothing else. There's always an excuse to do anything else.
> 
> I even said one night that if I can't have sex I'm going to have to go out and find it. She said go for it. Don't take that the wrong way. It was a threat lol.
> 
> We rarely argue or disagree with anything. She is a great person. As I keep saying it's just the sex.


A letter is an easier, more non-confrontational way to get your feelings across to your wife without trying to make her respond with more than her usual "no" answer. You don't have much to lose by writing a letter, so I don't see any reason not to do it. It's also a great way for you to really think through how you want to word what you want to say to her, as to not say something you may regret out of frustration from your situation if you were just talking. There are no down falls. Write her a letter and give it to her tonight or tomorrow. Then ask to talk about it the following day, after she'shad time to read it and think. 

Has anything happened lately that has been stressful/difficult to deal with? Is she on any medication? Can you think of any reason for why she is acting this way? 

Do you spend a lot of time together and have a lot of non-sexual touch(hand holding, cuddling, etc)? I wonder if she thinks you only want to use her body for sex and she's turned off.


----------



## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

How is she the perfect partner if your needs are not being met??? Different sex drives is a huge strain on any relationship. Sorry, but you know what sort of advice you're going to get here.

I didn't read any of your other threads but have you explored any other factors that might contribute to her lack of interest? Depression, any new medication, the pill, new interests?


----------



## Hangin in there (Mar 4, 2015)

Hi guys thanks for all of your advice,
I apologise for the multiple posts. An accident on mine and my internets behalf. I didn't think the posts went through and haven't worked out how to delete the others. Will do so though.
My wife and I met 6 years ago and she is a Malaysian lady. Our age difference is 10 years (Her being older).
When we met she had nothing to gain from me. I had no money, No real home to live in. (I was house sharing from home to home) and was a serious alcoholic. She hasn't used me to get better employment or a better country. She was highly successful in her company in Malaysia and there was no worries about money for her over there. Her family has money and she was earning good money.
After I quit drinking and went back to my parents to sort myself out she came here to live and she had to start from rock bottom again working on a production line.
There was a lot of stress on her behalf leaving the place she called home for 45 years. She is very close to her mother and missed her immensely. I'm not sure if that triggered the problem.

Anonymous07 she is not on any medication at all. We both work at the same company. Her in the office and me in the factory. I work afternoons and she works days. We have lunch together every day and spend the weekends completely together. We always hug and hold hands. We are very intimate in the non sexual way. We are very close. 
We have worked from having nothing to owning our first home and starting to build a good little financial future together. Trust me when I say that there is no alternative motive going on here.
I look after the money side of things and she is a very good spender and we are both careful with our money. She's not money hungry asking for more and more. We have our budget and our pocket money each week and that's how it stays. I don't force that on her. It's the way we have both worked things out to better ourselves financially. In saying this, we never go without and if either of us want something we get it. 
Being Malaysian she loves cooking and cooks for me all the time. She doesn't hassle me about anything.

Young at Heart I will go and read that book by MW Davis. Sex Starved Marriage.

Apart from the sex she looks after me very well. Yes I know what you're going to say but everything else is truly perfect. I'm not being a weak man. I'm being a husband and trying to work out where to go from here.
My desires to find sex elsewhere is my hormones talking and in reality I don't want to do that. Like most men if she said yes go for it, of course I would but that's not going to happen.

If none of these things work (Letter, talking, the book) I will start on the counselling side of things.

So there you go, a bit of background info for you guys just to let you know our relationship history.


----------



## mjalex (Mar 5, 2015)

Have you tried having an open conversation as to why she doesn't want sex?

Anxiety, stress, and many other reasons could discourage any sort of sex drive.
If you approach her in a calm and well-mannered way, keeping it honest, you may find out something that will give insight to your situation.

I'm a firm believer that being in love includes emotional and physical aspects. How much physicality is based on the relationship, but that sexual intimacy is very important, even if it doesn't happen too often.

I'd say, first step is to talk it out. Be honest. She's been a great wife otherwise and it seems like she'll hear you out.


----------



## Hopeful lady (Mar 6, 2015)

I'm not in a perfect relationship at all but can say at some point in my relationship I had a very low sex drive and it frustrated my H to no end and me bc I wanted to please my husband but wasn't interested for various reasons. What helped us was the letter suggestion (or series of letters) that helped us to "talk" without having to say the words out loud or fear judgement. 

Her response to you trying to have an open "conversation" about it will be the most telling thing for you. If she tries to help you figure it out at all it's worth the effort....if not.......

Also when we started to have sex again, it helped me to not have ANY criticizing talk from him about sex and we looked up non-crazy ways that I could initiate so he could know my feelings about making the sex better were genuine...


----------



## Hangin in there (Mar 4, 2015)

Thank you Mjalex and Hopeful Lady,

Apart from a couple of replies on the last page you two have actually taken it seriously and had the most sensible answers. None of this DIVORCE, LEAVE HER bla bla. No offence to the others that were actually trying to help.
I will give all the advice I have received a thought and see where it leads me. All will be good. 

P.S. I tried deleting the other posts twice now and they don't seem to be going away.


----------

