# A little insight on my dilemma



## bob33 (Oct 26, 2009)

So the story is that I was with my girlfriend for 2 1/2 years until she broke up with me out of nowhere. Said she needed time to herself and to figure herself out. Im 23 she is 22 and recently graduated college. A month goes by and we get back together. 

6 months go by and things are going well and she breaks up with me out of nowhere again telling me that she needs time to herself again to figure out what she wants to do in life and here career aspirations. Two weeks before that though she told me that she wanted to grow old with me and raise a family. She has always told me that she sees herself marrying me and that I'm the best thing that has ever happened to her and that I'm the love of her life. I feel the same way too, but these are Very drastic mood swings here. She told me that she feels depressed, that she hasn't slept in a month, she has gained weight, and she doesn't feel like herself. A week after we break up we talk and she says she is having really bad anxiety about us, school, and work and had to leave work to go home and that she still hasn't slept in a week. 

Biggest thing she said to me was that she wasn't in love with me anymore because she didn't love herself. Sounds like depression to me or a big F'in lie.

She said there is no other guy and if she wanted to be in a relationship in the near future it would only be with me. She also told me a month before we broke up that she had bought some cocaine but it was for her friend.

I did some research about anxiety and depression and I feel like this is what she is going through. Confused about what she wants to do in life. She says out of nowhere that she wants to go to grad school after doing humanitarian work in Africa for 6 months. This girl doesn't even like to go camping for 2 nights. Sounds like pretty grandiose ideas to me. 

Anyways, I was just wondering if anyone could shed some light on this subject. I just wonder why she would break up with her best friend and boyfriend if she is depressed. Shouldn't she want me there to help. I understand this girl better than her girl friends and now they go out every weekend and get hammered. 

Is she blowing smoke up my butt or is she really depressed and have anxiety? Why would she think that the relationship is the problem for her depression, bc that is what she made it sound like? I want to help her but we aren't talking and when we did talk last week I brought up the drugs and depression thing and she said that I should stop finding excuses as to why we are taking time apart and just accept it. I was only trying to help her because I love her.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

If she's blowing smoke, you need to back off and let her have her space.

And if she's not blowing smoke, she has to get help for anything she's going through on her own, anyway.

If she wanted your help, she'd ask for it.

She's at a critical time in her life and she might not know what she wants. But breaking up and getting back together and breaking up again says that the break up is really what she wants. It may not be the root of her problem, but she has to figure that out for herself.

I know it is hard but you're going to have to back way off in order to allow her to figure this out on her own.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

i don't think the break up is what she wants, my wife has depresion and a hole slew of other f'd up things wrong with her and i can tell you from what i was told by the experts

she does not know what she wants right now, she is confused and she is misrable. she does not like her self witch makes her unable to like any one else. she will lash out, or withdraw from you and then she will turn around and cling to you. what she needs right now is to know that you are there for her, that you love her and that you want to help. then you need to let go, let her have freedom and space. when she comes to you accept her, when she leave tell her you love her and you'll wait. she is going through an emotional rollercoaster if it is depression, she may thinks she's fine for a while then it hits again.. and yes the only thing to help that is therapy or medication or both. (therapy can be time alone to think and set priorities) 

i have to ask though, is there any thing that might have triggered this. were there talks of huge cimtments like kids or moving together, or even getting a puppy together that may have given her a false sense of being trapped and there fore needing an escape? the other posibility is that she may see her self (in her own mind) settling down with you, and just the thought may be scaring her. (the old sew the wild oats theory) is that a possibility?


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## bob33 (Oct 26, 2009)

"i have to ask though, is there any thing that might have triggered this. were there talks of huge cimtments like kids or moving together, or even getting a puppy together that may have given her a false sense of being trapped and there fore needing an escape? the other posibility is that she may see her self (in her own mind) settling down with you, and just the thought may be scaring her. (the old sew the wild oats theory) is that a possibility?"

Thanks for your insight my friend. She has told me that she would like me to be there when she is ready to come back to me, but that she doesn't want me to wait because that is not fair to me. It could be 2 years before she finally realizes that I'm not worth losing. She says her mom knows her best and her mom told her flat out that she knows my ex won't find anyone better than me. 

I mean I had moved back in with my parents to save money while I work my new job for a little before moving into my own place, while she had her own place. At first when she moved into her new place without a roommate she always wanted me there because she missed me and was scared. But after a while it seemed to make her mad that I was always up there, but i thought that was what she wanted. We had always talked about getting engaged in 2 years and then married in 3 or so. She was the first one to bring up getting married. One night we were a little drunk and she just starting telling me how she knew she was going to marry me because I was the best thing to ever happen to her and all that. Even said 2 weeks before we broke up that she wanted to grow old and raise a family.

She told me that she still loves and cares about and does she herself marrying me, but she felt so comfortable with me and our relationship that she knew if she didn't get out of her comfort zone she would end up marrying me in a few years and never do the things that she wants. But, I thought she wanted to marry me. Isn't that something she wants? 

But bottom line is, she said she was depressed and didn't love herself enough right now to love me and I just want to make sure she wasn't just telling me that to push me out of the relationship easier without totally breaking my heart. She seems to be fine going out and stuff on the weekends, but who knows maybe she is hurting and going out takes that away for a short period of time.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

relax!!!

you are yong still. just calm down a bit. she doesn't know what she wants right now. it's not you it her... for real even... but, if you don't give her the space she wants, she will never come back. 

and i know thi is hard and i know it hurts, she is scared and confused. she needs to be secure in her self before you and her go any where in life.

so, take this time to spread your wings, try to grow your self in new ways and do the things you want to do before settling down and who knows this may wind up being a good thing for both of you?


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## bob33 (Oct 26, 2009)

Thanks for the advice! I am slowly realizing that letting her go is the best thing. But, I get sad after not talking to her for 5 days and call her. 

She told me today that she actually isn't depressed, just that she wasn't happy with where her life was, even though her feelings for me haven't changed and our relationship was great. WHATTTTT? That does not make any sense and I'm even more pissed for her lying to me. 

This girl can't make up her mind. Depressed, then actually not. I want to grow old with you and raise a family in the future, then break up 2 weeks later. I know we are young but we always talked and said that we would just stay together and do this when we are 25. 

I'm really hurt and sad that I was so vulnerable to what she said and wanted before I thought about it and decided I did too. Then for her to just crap on our plans because she wants to be on her own as if I wouldn't let her do what she wants if we were together. I love her and our relationship and would support anything she wanted to do and at the same time make sure the relationship worked and we stayed together. 

Fact is she doesn't know what she wants now, what makes her think breaking up with me will magically solve those problems and make everything better. She still says she can see herself marrying me but if we have any chance of being together and it working in the future we need to do this now. I agree to an extent, but she wants to totally move away for our current state and I just don't see us together after all of that. She says Im her best friend and all this other stuff and now this! She's crazy and I deserve better.

Thanks for your help!


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Listen, she may be afraid to let you go like before and rather than having the guts to take the time to think things through, she's jerking you around. Don't stand for it. You're going to have to put your foot down because some people can drag something like this out for a long time.

Don't be surprised if there is someone else that kicked off this entire episode, too.


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## bob33 (Oct 26, 2009)

dobo said:


> Don't be surprised if there is someone else that kicked off this entire episode, too.


She is not that kind of girl, and she swore that there was no one else as I have asked her a few times. The thought of another guy besides me says makes her feel like throwing up. If she wanted a relationship it would only be with me is another thing she has said. She wants to be alone so I'll believe that. I asked her to tell me straight up even if it hurt my feelings and she said no, and that was the farthest thing from the truth. But, maybe there is someone else, but I guess Ill never know.


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## bob33 (Oct 26, 2009)

As in someone else that kicked these feelings off it could be her mom. Her mom has given her advice on how to handle these feelings and right now I think that is the last person she should be seeking advice from as her mom is divorced and was about to be married soon after a 5 year relationship and just ended it out of nowhere two months before the wedding. 

She said her mom told her, "Although we are 25 years apart, we are in such similar places in our lives." That has got to be the biggest load of crap I think and it pisses me off she is believing it. Sorry just need to vent!


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Ending something _before_ the wedding is the right timing. Are you implying something different?


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## bob33 (Oct 26, 2009)

I'm implying that she can't make her mind up, just as my ex can't make her mind up either. And for someone who is really confused about themselves and their own life to give some advice to someone else who is just as confused about their life just doesn't seem like good advice to me. 

Anyways, my ex told me that she wants to go abroad to Europe for a little while. I think this is because some of her current friends are in abroad right now too but in another continent and my ex hates missing out on things and I think she feels like she is missing out. 

She went abroad during college and we stayed together the whole time and when she got back our relationship was even stronger. She had told me that she would like to go back after graduating with me and learn a language. I rejected at 1st because I don't have the money she does and need to get a hob here in the states, but I am having seconds thoughts now that all my friends are doing the same thing. 

Maybe my ex thought that since I have a job already that I wouldn't want her to go and would stop her and that I wouldn't want to go either. and that is why she had to break it off now rather than right before she was about to leave and so she could get out of her comfort zone without me their to change her mind/decisions. Just a thought bc I over analyze things.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

It is always easier to see what someone else should do than it is to do the same thing for your own life so I don't necessarily agree that her mother isn't a good person to go to for advice. Afterall, her mother loves her.

Also, the mother broke up at the right time. If only more people would end it prior to marriage rather than go through with it when they have their doubts in the first place.

I honestly think you need to let this girl go. You're looking for a logical answer and there might not be one. Further, you're discounting another guy because she says so. Newsflash : Cheaters lie. Someone's word is not going to give you the answer you need here.

So now you're into the bargaining phase... "If I would only quit my job and go to Europe, everything will be OK..."

No, everything will NOT be OK.

Give her the time and space to decide. You chasing her will only run her off more.

I'd suggest that you go no contact with her for a while. You aren't married. There's no reason to go through this push/pull thing. If she's not ready to marry you and she can't stay with you, why is she around? Let her go. And if she comes back later and is more solid, then maybe you will still be available and you can see how it goes.


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## bob33 (Oct 26, 2009)

Thanks Dobo! I finally think that is what I need to do. I keep hurting myself going back and forth trying to figure this out, but I still can't. Therefore, I never will. I just love this girl too much to let it go and have her walk out of my life like this. It just doesn't feel right.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Sometimes we don't get to choose, unfortunately. So we struggle to hold on to something that isn't in our power to hold onto. 

Just know that things will get better with her or without her.


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