# Need advice on this complicated issue!



## CBTiger (Jun 6, 2016)

My husband and I have been married for 9 years and have two children. Above all else I don't want to hurt my children. There is virtually no intimacy for a few reasons. I'm not attracted to him. He has struggled with ED our entire relationship, and I'm just to the point that I'm like why bother trying?! Ya know. However there is another issue that is eating me up inside because I can't bring myself to share it with anyone or confront him about it. It may sound petty to you, but please hear me out. My husband watches me get undressed and shower through a crack in the door using his cell phone camera. He doesn't know I know. It makes me self concious and I have virtually NO privacy. 
Recently a family member accused him of doing it to them years ago. He denied it but I don't doubt it's true, bc he does it to me. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to confront him about him doing it to me. It's been going on for 6 years that I know of. It makes me uneasy about what he may be like if we were to ever have a daughter. Should I divorce him? I'm just beside myself and so tormented. I can't even muster any words to bring up the situation to him or anyone else. We aren't in the best financial situation either. Some poor decisions of his have pushed us to consider bankruptcy. I'm just harboring so much anger towards him at this point.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Cover the crack in the door. And shut the door and lock it behind you. And don't have anymore kids with this perv, thus no daughter to worry about.

Btw, how do you know he's been filming you for 6 years?

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CBTiger (Jun 6, 2016)

If it were that simple I wouldn't be posting here. The bottom of the door doesn't go to the floor. He sticks his phone under it. Or I do lock the door and he picks the lock and slightly cracks the door. I long for another child, so I don't want to spend my life regretting never having another one. Like I said this is very complicated, so I need serious help.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Sounds strange.

How old are you and your children?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Your H is a weirdo! Tell him to p off, if he doesn't respect your wishes, it is time to get out of the marriage.


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## CBTiger (Jun 6, 2016)

I am 31. We've been together since I was 18. Chalk it up to young and dumb I guess. My kids are 4 and 6 years old. I know it is sound weird. That's why I can't bring myself to talk to family or friends.


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## CBTiger (Jun 6, 2016)

Sorry for the typos...that should say I know it sounds weird.


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

OP this is not petty at all. This definitely would creep me out...and IMHO is part of the reason you are not attracted to your H. 

I imagine this stunt alone would affect the whole of your relationship with him. I would sit him down and tell him that it makes you uncomfortable and that he needs to stop doing this...and then decide whether or not you want to leave him. Nine years is a long time, but you need to set boundaries with him. No spouse should be subjected to something that makes them feel violated or uncomfortable.

Can you get counseling for yourself? Sounds like you need additional support right now.


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

The next time he sticks his phone under the door "step on it" !

Have you asked yourself what he's doing with these photos or videos? Is he posting them online? 

This is scary stuff you're dealing with.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Can you say which family member it was? 
It's strange alright, no doubt about that. 
Do you wish to confront him at all about this? 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Tell him to knock it off. I would be angry and have no problems talking to him about it. How do you know he isn't filming you and posting it online? Have you ever seen him to this when your children are in the bathroom? My husband has ED issues too, has your husband gone to a Dr or tried Viagra or Cialis or does he just ignore the problem and reject intimacy with you because he is embarrassed? That's pretty common. Start communication with him and tell him to stop peeking at you through the bathroom door and go to the Dr for his ED. Divorce should be down the road if he doesn't do these things.


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## CBTiger (Jun 6, 2016)

It was his female cousin. It was years ago when it supposedly happened. I do see a counselor, but I just can't seem to tell anyone I know in real life. I don't know the words to confront him. I think about what to say and I get anxiety so bad and never do it. I can't just leave him bc I can't afford to support my kids and myself on my own due to the awful financial situation we are in due to his stupid decisions. I would have to file bankruptcy to even be able to even think about being able to afford leaving. I do work, but my income is not huge. I'm a school teacher.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Has it crossed your mind that your husband is having ED issues becuase his fetish is voyeurism and he cannot get off in the usual way, but needs his secret pics and videos to become physically aroused and achieve orgasm?

Has it also crossed your mind that filming people who do not know or consent to being filmed is a gross violation of their basic human rights and that your husband seems to not give a flying fig about those other people and their rights?

Third, you need to consider that he isn't just filming family. If he's doing this at home, he may be doing it outside the home. If he is, depending on your location, it is probably illegal. And if he gets caught, it could lead to jail time and/or a civil lawsuit. He could also be fired if he is doing this at work and gets caught. If you think tthings are bad now, if he gets caught and sued, you'd be screwed right along with him since you're married and assets are joint.

I did some research on this subject a while ago for another post on another forum. That lady had a husband who was secretly filming her alone, showering, etc. and was also ocasionally filming them having sex. All without her knowledge and consent. Turns out, voyeruism is fairly common, but can also be a mental illness much like many other common human behaviors that turn into something damaging in some people. Google "voyeurism mental illness" and read up on the subject so that you at least know what you're dealing with.

Frankly, after hours of reading, I wouldn't stay married to a voyeur even if everything else was going relatively well. I think, were I you, I'd take the bankruptcy and a divorce over the marriage that you describe. Better to do it now and have time to recover than to do it later when personal and financial recovery is harder and takes longer.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Wow, there's nothing petty about any of this.

The issue here isn't his peeping...it's that you don't consent to it, and that's the part that's arousing for him, that he's taking something sexual from you without your knowledge or consent. Uh, oh... I assume he could see you naked at other times that do not require him peeping. That he has a history of this behavior is also troubling, there's something there in his history.

You have many serious issues with him, but this one I'd address immediately and directly, let him know in a non accusatory...but informational..way that you know he's doing this. ask him why. Then let him know he needs to stop immediately.

You guys might need some professional help for this one, as well as the other issues, but my sense is that once you pull on the peeping string, the whole ball will unravel very quickly.

P.S. What's an ED issue?


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

CBTiger said:


> It was his female cousin. It was years ago when it supposedly happened. I do see a counselor, but I just seem to tell anyone I know in real life. I don't know the words to confront him. I think about what to say and I get anxiety so bad and never do it. I can't just leave him bc I can't afford to support my kids and myself on my own due to the awful financial situation we are in due to his stupid decisions. I would have to file bankruptcy to even be able to even think about being able to afford leaving. I do work, but my income is not huge. I'm a school teacher.


So he is doing this creepy thing which you are uncomfortable with, AND he has made stupid decisions which have put you in a bad financial situation...and you have no intimacy together. Doesn't sound like the type of person for a stable marriage/relationship. 

What is your therapist saying about all this?


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## CBTiger (Jun 6, 2016)

Haven't told the therapist. I'm very embarrassed about the whole thing. I haven't told anyone. I just don't want to hurt my kids. They love their father dearly. I am a child of divorce, and it made my life so difficult. I have almost no relationship with my father, so that makes me hesitant to do that to my children. I want my children to have as normal a life as possible with both parents. I'm afraid my family or friends won't understand either. I wouldn't know what to say. I'm just very hurt, embarrassed, and disappointed. Oh and confused about what to do!


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## CBTiger (Jun 6, 2016)

Should I initiate the convo by bringing up the thing that happened with the cousin? Then say I know it's probably true, because A. If it wasn't you would have made more of a big deal of it, but instead you just kinda swept it under the rug and B. I believe you did to it because you do it to me. I just know once I open this can of worms that the ish will probably hit the fan and there's no going back. I don't know when the right time is to deal with this.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

If you have not confronted him about it, you need to as soon as possible. Do it calmly & rationally (ask him why he does it). But, put your foot down and tell him that it is unacceptable behavior for you and any other human being. This behavior will continue to escalate. Please do not have any more children with him. It's highly disturbing.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

First, I agree completely with @MJJEAN.

Second, if you are determined to stay, you must talk to him and insist he get help. If you can't face the talk, then write him a letter.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

CBTiger said:


> Haven't told the therapist. I'm very embarrassed about the whole thing. I haven't told anyone. I just don't want to hurt my kids. They love their father dearly. I am a child of divorce, and it made my life so difficult. I have almost no relationship with my father, so that makes me hesitant to do that to my children. I want my children to have as normal a life as possible with both parents. I'm afraid my family or friends won't understand either. I wouldn't know what to say. I'm just very hurt, embarrassed, and disappointed. Oh and confused about what to do!


You are not your parents and your kids are not you. Your H can be highly involved in their lives post divorce if he wishes to be involved. By being a civil co-parent, you can influence and facilitate his interaction and involvement with the kids.

Personally, I believe that children are just as damaged by a dysfunctional relationship being modeled for them as by a nasty divorce. 

You're showing your kids that it's ok to stay in a marriage that lacks basic affection and that one should tolerate gross irresponsibility and deviant behavior. Even if you think they aren't aware there are serious problems, they are. Kids are so much more perceptive than they are given credit for. They may not know the details, they may not know the why's, but they know something isn't right. I'd rather model a healthy divorce including civil co-parenting for my kids than a dysfunctional marriage.

Who cares what people will think and/or say?!?!? "People" don't have to live with this shyte. Your life is precious and finite. Are you going to squander it on this sham marriage or the sake of the opinions of others? If anyone asks, you can always say that the marriage ended because you were not compatible and were both very unhappy, end of story. Anything more is, frankly, no one's business.

I think you need to tell your therapist.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

CBTiger said:


> If it were that simple I wouldn't be posting here. The bottom of the door doesn't go to the floor. He sticks his phone under it. Or I do lock the door and he picks the lock and slightly cracks the door. I long for another child, so I don't want to spend my life regretting never having another one. Like I said this is very complicated, so I need serious help.


Shove a towel under the door. Put a chain lock on the inside of the bathroom door -- really very simple with one visit to Lowe's or Home Depot. If you long for another child, why on earth would you want to bring one into this mess?

Get your house in order before you bring another child into the world that your husband might molest (if he hasn't already with your sons )
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

CBTiger said:


> If it were that simple I wouldn't be posting here. The bottom of the door doesn't go to the floor. He sticks his phone under it. Or I do lock the door and he picks the lock and slightly cracks the door. I long for another child, so I don't want to spend my life regretting never having another one. Like I said this is very complicated, so I need serious help.


I am having a hard time picturing this. How would he expect you not to see him slipping the phone under the door as you are standing there? How is he able to even position the phone upright to get a view other than the ceiling? Does he not think you don't hear him picking the lock or opening the door? Does he think you can't see him opening the door a crack? Is there something I am missing here? 

Why would you not walk over to the door when he slips the camera under, step on it to smash it, and open the door hard into his face and say "What the h3ll are you doing?!"


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Abc123wife said:


> I am having a hard time picturing this. How would he expect you not to see him slipping the phone under the door as you are standing there? How is he able to even position the phone upright to get a view other than the ceiling? Does he not think you don't hear him picking the lock or opening the door? Does he think you can't see him opening the door a crack? Is there something I am missing here?
> 
> Why would you not walk over to the door when he slips the camera under, step on it to smash it, and open the door hard into his face and say "What the h3ll are you doing?!"


Exactly!! My thoughts exactly. Something doesn't pass the smell test here.

The whole thing reminds me of the old Johnny Quest TV cartoon where they would spy through door cracks, pick locks, and sometimes they even peeked at others through a periscope!









_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CBTiger (Jun 6, 2016)

I don't know what he thinks or expects, but it's definitely not a cartoon. It's the reality of my life that I have been dealing with for years, and I have finally just gotten fed up but am not sure how to handle the situation. I can't financially or logistically just leave.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

CBTiger said:


> Should I initiate the convo by bringing up the thing that happened with the cousin? Then say I know it's probably true, because A. If it wasn't you would have made more of a big deal of it, but instead you just kinda swept it under the rug and B. I believe you did to it because you do it to me. I just know once I open this can of worms that the ish will probably hit the fan and there's no going back. I don't know when the right time is to deal with this.


You don't segue into the conversation...you look him straight in the face and say, " I KNOW you are recording me when I am in the bathroom, and it STOPS NOW! And if it doesn't stop, I will divorce you, take you for everything you have, and start legal action against you for violating my rights!" He will crumble. 

This is sick. Stop being all meek and timid about it, your husband has a serious problem. He has ED because he has this sick fetish instead of being able to function normally with a woman. Guarantee you that he takes those videos and goes and beats off to them somewhere in secret. 

If you are so worried about what a divorce would do to your children, then you need to be MORE worried about what could happen to them if you keep them in the house with this perv! Something may have already happened!


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