# Lonely in my marriage..



## lonelysoul (Nov 22, 2010)

Hello, 

I am really upset and clueless right now. 
I am a nursing full-time student and work part-time. I have been married for 9 months now. I feel like my husband does not love me anymore. We both have known each other for 5 years and dated 2 years out of those 5 years. He was crazily in love with me, he was my best friend who really liked me and then eventually i started to like him as well and now we are married. He is a family oriented guy who is super close to him mom, his mom is the first priority in his life. Anyhow, I just feel like he does not love me anymore, we don't go out anywhere, he doesn't give me gifts on my birthday, yes took me out to a local restaurant on my B-day. We never go out anywhere alone, his mom is always with us.

Because of his work the only time we get together is after 8 pm during weekdays or weekends and weekends he spends his whole time next to his mom, watching tv with her and all. and weeknights he either spends it in front of tv until its time to sleep or go to his brothers house while I am home alone. I am a student so weekends I am usually studying and I am also busy mostly in studies, so I value any time i can get with him however i don't think its the same with him. He just does not want to spend time with me anymore. i have talked to him multiple times about it, he doesn't have anything to say or he tells me to do what i think is best for me. 

I feel lonely and feel like i have no one to talk to. I feel like i am the only one who is putting any efforts in this marriage. 

I don't know what to do? We have only been married 9 months and it seems like he is already out of love. 

Is there anything I can do to make things better?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

He needs to start putting you before his family relationships.
It sounds like he's very comfortable with a status quo, but if you're not, he needs to respect that.
You say you've talked to him about it. He says "do what's best for you"?
Have you told him that sometimes, connecting with him just the two of you, is best for you and for your relationship?
Ask him for something that may be within his reach, instead of complaining (which you have a right to do, but could make him defensive.)
suggest one evening a week where just you two do something without his family members. That may be an easy change he can adjust to that can gradually alter the dynamic where you're playing second fiddle to mommy. He can agree to a day, time, activity, and barring any emergencies, that time is sacred. Mom can't drop by, his brother can't get a ride, whatever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

wait, I just reread.,,why's he at his brother's while you're home alone??

Can you join him there? Are you not welcome?
Maybe suggest he spend as many evenings with you as at his brother's?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jack99 (Nov 21, 2010)

The Mom situation is pretty serious. There is no way he should be spending more time with her than with you. That's really wrong. Same with going over his brother's house all the time. 

It may be he's falling into old habits without being aware of the impact on you. Obviously you've got to discuss it with him, I hope you will soon if you haven't already. *You* should be the priority, not his Mom. You're lucky you don't have kids and are on your way to a good profession where you can support yourself. This gives you the independence to threaten to leave him if he doesn't put you first. Ultimately, to save your marriage, you may have to move out-of-state so he can cut the umbilical chord.


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## lonelysoul (Nov 22, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> wait, I just reread.,,why's he at his brother's while you're home alone??
> 
> Can you join him there? Are you not welcome?
> Maybe suggest he spend as many evenings with you as at his brother's?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Usually, he stops there after work because its on his way and mostly its when I am home studying!


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## lonelysoul (Nov 22, 2010)

Jack99,

I unfortunately didn't realize his relationship with his mom will take priority over me before I married him. 
His mom is an old lady, widowed totally dependent on him. Thank God she is now going to his elder brother's house to stay there few days in the week to babysit, but its only for few months till the baby turns 1 year old and they put him in daycare. Then she will be back with us, and even if we move out of state she will be coming with us! UGH! I should have seen this coming, i guess i was blindfolded by love. 

Thanks for the advice! I guess this just motivates me to study hard and be a nurse soon, so if the situation gets worst I can at least take care of myself and not be dependent!


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

lonelysoul said:


> Thanks for the advice! I guess this just motivates me to study hard and be a nurse soon, so if the situation gets worst I can at least take care of myself and not be dependent!


That is very, very wise of you. 

But it sounds like you have given up hoping there is anything you can do, when there are a few things you can do, and credamdóchasgra a couple suggestions. Whatever the remedy, it will require your effort and possibly you both compromise. 

I feel like you are saying he should want to spend time with you without you having to ask for it. I understand that feeling. I think you should ask him why he does not spend time with you anymore. At least then, you'd have something to work with to find solutions since your discussion don't seem to be getting anywhere. His response to do what you think is best for you is a response to something, so I'm wondering what was the question you asked him, or did you threaten him in some way. It also sounds like you should request you and he attend marriage counseling. Both of you will be better able to communicate and resolve this.


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

It sounds to me like either he thinks this is a marriage of convenience. Which I don't believe, or:



lonelysoul said:


> "He was crazily in love with me, he was my best friend who really liked me and then eventually i started to like him as well and now we are married."


Now that he has won you over he has no idea how to be a proper husband. Which could mean he had no example to go by following his Dad's lead or his Dad was an example he didn't like.

Either way unfortunately it may be your job to show him. Start small by finding 3 areas in your life where you need his help, that will also give you time to spend with him.

Tell him(don't ask him) calmy, gently and with a smile on your face one of the things you need done.

After he's done this thing and you've spent your time together make sure he knows how happy it's made you that you've spent time together(he may seriously not know).

Then when he goes to go to his brother's or mom's place, give him the second thing on your list. You should start to see him gradually spending more time at home without you asking.

Don't give up after the first few tries with this but if he keeps up with any attitude or ignoring your requests then you may have problems you cannot resolve without professional marriage counseling.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

While I agree with everything mentioned previously, one thing you said stood out:

"I am a student so weekends I am usually studying and I am also busy mostly in studies, so I value any time i can get with him however i don't think its the same with him."

So what you are saying is that when you can squeeze time into your busy schedule for him, he isn't interested. if you put your job and education first and him second, he's going to fill that void somewhere else.

Balancing is tough, getting things back in balance is tougher. You may need the education and the money, but there is only so many hours in the day to give out.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Definitely don't give up yet.
It doesn't sound like he's a terrible, uncaring husband.
When he hangs out at his brother's he may think he's helping you out by giving you a chance to study quietly. I'm a student too, and I know I prefer to get my husband out of the house when I work.
I also have some sympathy for his mom, not because she should take precedent over you, but because she sounds like she does need support. It says something about him that he cares about her.
But your needs are important too, and you can make them known without being demanding. Start small and accessible, and remember to be open to hearing his point of view and understanding as to how things are right now. Our marriage counselor always tells us: "There are always two answers," and you can grow closer to each other when you desire and seek to learn each other's answers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

lonelysoul said:


> Jack99,
> 
> I unfortunately didn't realize his relationship with his mom will take priority over me before I married him.
> His mom is an old lady, widowed totally dependent on him. Thank God she is now going to his elder brother's house to stay there few days in the week to babysit, but its only for few months till the baby turns 1 year old and they put him in daycare. Then she will be back with us, and even if we move out of state she will be coming with us! UGH! I should have seen this coming, i guess i was blindfolded by love.


I thought of something else, regarding this...
Is your husband from a cultural background that puts a high priority on extended family?

My husband and I are Greek-American, and it is an assumption in a lot of Greek families that relatives--grandparents, cousins, etc.--are a big part of daily life, and it's often assumed that widowed parents and in-laws will live with you, even if you're newlyweds. My cousins had 4 generations living under one roof at one point!!

I'm just wondering if maybe your husband's family has this assumption, and he may be taking for granted that you'll be ok with this paradigm, without really communicating with you about it. As a newly married couple, it is important that you do communicate about these expectations and assumptions. He needs to respect what is ok with you and the lines you want to draw, and he will feel loved if you respect the fact that he is close to his family.

It doesn't sound like you were too "blindfolded by love" before you got married to see this coming, but that your husband knew you loved him and assumed you would take on the life of loving his whole family to the point that they'd be incorporated into your daily life. 

I hope that makes sense. I guess I just mean that once you are married, your spouse's family takes on a whole new significance and you learn as you go that different levels of love require you to work out a lot of questions you didn't realize you'd have to work out! (I know my husband and I are still trying to figure out how to deal with each other's family!)


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## lonelysoul (Nov 22, 2010)

once again thanks guys for the advice-

We both are from a cultural background that emphasize on taking care of parents once they are old. 
I have no problem in her living with us, as long as he can balance his time between me and her. But whenever she is here(weekends) He would spend all his day sitting right next to her watching tv and such, He won't go to sleep until she does and she is a late sleeper. Where as I like to go to bed at an okay time mignight usually. but I would have to end up going to sleep on my own, while he waits till she sleep which is 2 , 3 am at times. This frustrates me because this means we have no intimacy since during weekdays he is too tiredd and weekend he waits around her till she sleeps. 
Similarly today he did the same thing, I worked an early morning shift and he was up early with me too (blackfriday) So when i got home, and we both needed to nap, he instead of just naping in our room with me, decided to lay down next to her, watch tv and falll asleep. I later this evening communicated to him Nicely, that I might not be seeing his reasons, so please let me know, his reasons behind, naping in her room while she wanted to watch tv, she obviously also couldn't watch any tv since he fell asleep and she switched it off.
I basically asked him to balance his free time between her and I. He can sit with her late at night, but spend time with me during some part of the day. I hate feeling like I am an invisible person when she is around..
His response was, I need to fight every few days, he has had enough with this relationship, he is not going to change and there is nothing I can do about it. I got really emotional and said, that if he couldn't balance his time then he should not have married me. to which he respond that it was his biggest mistake. 

I am seriously considering leaving. I am 21 with a life ahead of me. God forbid if we got kids in this mess, it will be worst. Anyhow,

I just don't know if i am giving up to soon. There is no such thing as communication in his books, he doesn't share his feelings and emotions and does not want to come up with solutions...He is happy till he is doing things his way, and if I say anything about it or ask for time he gets mad and it leads to the talk of separation. I just think he is out of love, he is not the man i married.


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## KTwo (Dec 27, 2010)

If you are only 21 then I assume he is very young too. It sounds like he isn't a true individual from his family yet. I think he still wants to maintain his original family relationships like they were. Marriage may have been jumpiing the gun. From what he says I think he was anticipating marriage would still just be dating and having fun and not anything to do with goals, working together, and building a life with you as his most improtant relationship. He may (maybe) make a great husband at 28 or 30 or 35 but only after discovering his own life and dreams and experiencing his life as an individual. Contemplating what he wants his life to be will take years, and he doesn't even want to emotionally be more than a teenager in his original family right now. You have seen enough to know that. It may be time for the two of you to admit a youthful mistake so that you can go on and explore your own life. You have a lot of exciting experiences coming up and want to move ahead into your future, and he just doesn't seem to be in the same place in his life's journey.


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## JAG (Dec 29, 2010)

Hi,
have you ever even told him how unhappy you are. As a man i have to admit that we need to be told alot. we are quite blind when things are in front of us. Maybe you just need to sit down with him and in a non confrontational way explain what is making you so unhappy. You never know he might change everything over night. It's worth a try


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

He needs a strong warning that he risks losing you. You have a duty to make your needs clear in no uncertain terms. That is the only way you can be fair to him.


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