# Talk about Shame...



## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

Any bs who feels shame for what happened? 

I feel shame about the fact that it was an lta and the proof had to be in my face for me to understand it. I thought I was a smart guy. Oh well..


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

yea I felt ashamed i gave 100% trust. never again though


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

At first I did. But that changed to disgust and revulsion.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

You are not accountable for the willful actions of others. They are.

You are responsible for a happy you. Doing what you want and personal growth.

Challenge yourself for a better life. Set goals. Make plans. Enjoy.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

RV9 said:


> Any bs who feels shame for what happened?
> 
> I feel shame about the fact that it was an lta and the proof had to be in my face for me to understand it. I thought I was a smart guy. Oh well..


Now you know... 

If you are planning to leave, leave now before the kid can actually recognize and remember you... It gets worse as the kid gets older


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

i was very ashamed because I was proud of our marriage and what we built...the image we represented to friends and family was very good.....that all came crashing down for me in one instant.....i was very embarrassed to be cheated on...to the point i didnt want anyone to know anything at all...that lasted about a week to the point it turned to anger....and exposed to her family...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Guilt. I felt guilt as I thought I'd let her down and in that lovely old term: "Driven her into the arms of another man."

She took pains to disabuse me of that idea, which certainly helped me.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

Yes. Very ashamed. I still have never told anybody but one of my closest friends because I finally had to have somebody to talk to about it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

altawa said:


> Yes. Very ashamed. I still have never told anybody but one of my closest friends because I finally had to have somebody to talk to about it.


I told nobody about my wife's affair. 

My MIL knew and apologised about what had happened. I think she guessed what was happening.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I never was ashamed but I certainly was embarrassed and told no one the first time because I decided to reconcile. The second time, when I decided I wanted a divorce, was totally different. No embarrassment. I told everyone why I was getting out. And I told them about the first time (since it was the same OW).


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

RV9 said:


> Any bs who feels shame for what happened?
> 
> I feel shame about the fact that it was an lta and the proof had to be in my face for me to understand it. I thought I was a smart guy. Oh well..


I'm confused. I thought this was a two month affair and that she's been remorseful and doing the heavy lifting? When did you find out that it as a Long Term Affair (LTA)?


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Q tip said:


> You are not accountable for the willful actions of others. They are.
> 
> You are responsible for a happy you. Doing what you want and personal growth.
> 
> Challenge yourself for a better life. Set goals. Make plans. Enjoy.


Totally. Once I realised that I only had to forgive myself for it not being able to make reconciliation work with the WW, I was able to move on. 

Forgive yourself.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

I felt no shame at all for what she had done.

I cannot see the logic in ever being ashamed myself for the actions of other people.

Now, if I had taken her back when she asked for another chance 8 months later, I would have been deeply and permanently ashamed because I would have betrayed my own sense of honor as well as my values/beliefs.

I think its fine for a BS to feel shame for their part in any problems that troubled the M/relationship before the A....that's simply owning your own sh*t.

But feeling shame for the A is akin to accepting the WS's bullsh*t blameshifting IMO.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I was never ashamed or embarrassed, I thought my husband should have been though.

I do feel some of my friends thought I should feel embarrassed but it turns so out, they were/are cheaters too. 

I feel my old school mother feels like I should bear some shame although she has never said this too me. I get the sense from my mother if I was a better "please your man" type woman, my husband would not have cheated. 

But me, noooooo. His loss, my gain. Honestly happy to be free.


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## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

lordmayhem said:


> I'm confused. I thought this was a two month affair and that she's been remorseful and doing the heavy lifting? When did you find out that it as a Long Term Affair (LTA)?


Confusing me for someone else I guess.


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## ashamedfool (Jan 19, 2015)

RV9 said:


> Any bs who feels shame for what happened?
> 
> I feel shame about the fact that it was an lta and the proof had to be in my face for me to understand it. I thought I was a smart guy. Oh well..


I've been lurking for a long time, in the fog, trying to read others ideas and thoughts to try and make sense of things. Today was the first time I registered because your message really rang true to me.

I feel so much shame for not seeing it. I feel so totally humiliated that I wanted it to be more of a secret than she (WS) did.

I try to remember that these people know you better than you know yourself in a lot of ways. It is actually quite simple to pull one over on you. They know the right things to say and how to act in ways that make you trust them.

Then to top it off, in your head, you shrug off your suspicions so as to not look controlling or crazy. You secretly beat yourself up for having these thoughts.

The the bomb drops and not only are you dealing with the trauma, now you want to kick yourself in the teeth for not trusting the ONLY TRUE PERSON you CAN TRUST.

Hang in there, yes, I feel the same, you are not alone.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

I know exactly what you are saying. I was so ashamed of my marriage failing after 30 years. I avoided people, felt like everyone was talking about it. It is not on you, it's on them. Good luck to you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

RV9 said:


> Any bs who feels shame for what happened?
> 
> I feel shame about the fact that it was an lta and the proof had to be in my face for me to understand it. I thought I was a smart guy. Oh well..


I don't see anything about an affair in your earlier posts.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> I don't see anything about an affair in your earlier posts.


I believe that OP changed his name (I think it was originally something like "Rotvikash"...?) and deleted his initial thread.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Shame? Sure.

I know all the logical reasons I shouldn't be, but at a basic level I always think it is the ultimate humiliation for a man when his wife cheats. Just typing it now makes me cringe in disbelief.

Sometimes I think "why didn't I ever discuss with her how something like this would destroy me?" The pathetic answer is that I never even stopped to consider it could happen. Never thought SHE could do something like that.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Get a German Shepherd Dog. Puppy. Bred or from Germany. Best thing on the planet to help move on.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

The shame dissipates over time, as we all know. My X2B relished in throwing my education in my face to demoralize me as he ran circles around me with OWen...Once I sought support I was able to stand up to him. You will get that opportunity and will know it because you will have done the soul searching, learned the lessons and moved on from the shame that is the greatest part of the journey to overcome. 

You are normal. Know that. A WS like mine and probably yours, does not have the capacity to feel shame for what they have done or do because they are conscienceless. They will, at some point in their lives, encounter their worst fears however because, at the end of the cycle, they will experience the pain they have caused and refused to acknowledge themselves, by the person (OM/OW) they so truly trust at this stage in time. That's a guarantee. "God is not mocked for whatever a man sows, so shall he reap."


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## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

Q tip said:


> Get a German Shepherd Dog. Puppy. Bred or from Germany. Best thing on the planet to help move on.


I got a Labrador. It's one maniac furrball.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I felt shame, humiliation, guilt, embarrassed, and defeated. Following day after d-day I only felt shame and humiliation. At first I had thought I was guilty of her affair as the marriage wasn't perfect but certainly not bad enough to run to someone else. After time passed I realized the affair was on my WW and that she chose to accept the advances of OM. As for embarrassed, at first at any family gathering I sat alone thinking the worst even though they didn't know. I thought people were talking about me and how I must not be a man if my wife cheated. My WW was my first, I believe intimacy is special between spouses and should never be given away. Even though this is difficult to type even now, it still brings shame and embarrassment to me. I think to myself I couldn't please mg WW and she needed someone else. However, this has also subsided as I realized it was because my self esteem and confidence were gone. Now that I have some confidence and self esteem back I no longer feel this way.

I felt defeated because for six months WW loved him and not me. I felt defeated because I couldn't find that smoking gun. I felt defeated because WW isn't who I thought she was and my marriage wasn't what I thought it was. I don't feel shame as much as I did but humiliation is here to stay for a while. My WW having an affair was humiliating to the core and not just something I can let go of easily. In time I feel I will let go of the humiliation but most of these feelings have returned as the 20th approaches. January 20, 2014 was my d-day and that has brought many feelings and emotions to the surface again. Just need to get past tomorrow without incident.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

I'm ashamed of the fact that, knowing my xWW had a history of drug abuse, I allowed myself to fall for her and marry her anyway. 

Big mistake. Big BIG mistake. 

I'm not saying that ex-addicts cannot redeem themselves, but they should understand that having a history of drug abuse is going to narrow their marriage prospects. 

My xWW basically played the good girl the first few years we were married, but the monster she was hiding inside her eventually escaped and went on a rampage.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Q tip said:


> Get a German Shepherd Dog. Puppy. Bred or from Germany. Best thing on the planet to help move on.


I'm on my 3rd GSD. (Former police dog handler). Never had one that was actually from Germany, though. #1 dog from western Russia, #2 from Czech Repub or Slovakia # 3 I got from a GS Rescue, I think he may be of Dutch lineage. 

It does help, though.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

RV9 said:


> Confusing me for someone else I guess.


Sorry, my mistake.


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## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

RV9, when I was in my late twenties I had a roomate who for all intents and purposes seemed like a really well adjusted guy. He had a great job and was always very well put together both socially and in appearance.

One night we were drinking and ended up talking about the worst things we could remember from our childhood. Since my upbringing was like 'Walton's Mountain' (if not even more idyllic) the worst thing I could remember was being the only one at home with my mother when the police came to tell us that my brother had died in an accident. 

My friend made appropriate noises but admitted that it was tough to relate to because he had been raised as an only child by his single, blue collar mother.

He told me the worst thing he could remember happened when he was 8. His mom had given him a kitten on his birthday a few months before and he had very quickly and deeply bonded with it. One night, she brought her latest boyfriend home from the bar, both of them drunk. The boyfriend grabbed the kitten roughly and it scratched him. The guy then dropped the kitten swearing profusely, grabbed a hammer that was lying on the table and chased it around the house until he finally cornered and beat the poor thing to death with it. 

In front of my (then) 8 yr old friend. 

My jaw hit the floor. I asked him how in the hell do you get over something like that without going psycho? Had he gone for counselling? 

He snorted and said 'Yeah, like she would ever spend good beer money on a counsellor' 

He said it was weird. He originally felt guilty and ashamed because he thought that he should have protected the animal. It took another 5 or 6 more years of the mean streets teaching him to understand that there was nothing he could have done. That, drunk or not, his mother was responsible for bringing this monster into their home and thus wholly responsible for the horrific death of the kitten. 

She knew she had a child at home, but didn't care enough to worry about bringing a strange guy over. In fact she wasn't thinking of her child at all. She was thinking only about herself and trying to impress this guy enough to get him to stick around. 
*
All *of the shame lay with her.

It wasn't until my wife had her A that I was able to relate to the level of hurt, betrayal and misplaced shame my friend had experienced when he was 8. 

To get over it I thought of my friends story as an analogy, with my naively unconditional love for my wife playing the part of the kitten.

Anger and disgust replaced the shame pretty quicky.


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

RV9 said:


> Any bs who feels shame for what happened?
> 
> I feel shame about the fact that it was an lta and the proof had to be in my face for me to understand it. I thought I was a smart guy. Oh well..


I was absolutely humiliated. Me and the guys used to laugh about chumps that didn't even know their wives were cheating on them. What a dumbass we'd say. Then we'd agree, if our wives were cheating we'd know. Well, not if you trust them completely you won't. I know that now.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

I was so humiliated i never told any of my friends. Lesson learned the hard way.

Now i am one step ahead, access to her phone, GPS on the car (That she doesn't know about and when she says she is going out i sometimes VAR the car.

Live and Learn the hard way. If it happens again though there will be no reconciliation and i will be exposing to everyone including playing the VAR of the first time.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"I was absolutely humiliated. Me and the guys used to laugh about chumps that didn't even know their wives were cheating on them. What a dumbass we'd say. Then we'd agree, if our wives were cheating we'd know. Well, not if you trust them completely you won't. I know that now."

Maybe this is part of the reason I am able to never feel shame or guilt for other people's fu*ked up choices.

I also never have looked at a person I know is, or has, been taken advantage of and think they are a chump or fool.

The people I always look at as the losers and morons are the trashy people that use deception on them.

These scummy people can fool everybody for awhile, and of course those who are emotionally close to them naturally catch on slower because the liar often gets the benefit of the doubt from them.

The only way I could see these betrayed people having any need to feel ashamed is if they KNEW they were being played and are just too weak or co-dependent to stand up for their own dignity.


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## loyallad (Aug 1, 2014)

Forest said:


> Shame? Sure.
> 
> I know all the logical reasons I shouldn't be, but at a basic level I always think it is the ultimate humiliation for a man when his wife cheats. Just typing it now makes me cringe in disbelief.
> 
> Sometimes I think "why didn't I ever discuss with her how something like this would destroy me?" The pathetic answer is that I never even stopped to consider it could happen. Never thought SHE could do something like that.


Have to agree with you Forest. I do feel humiliation that my WW would cheat on me. The male ego takes a big hit when that happens.

I, like you, never thought my WW would do something like this.


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## loyallad (Aug 1, 2014)

drifting on said:


> I believe intimacy is special between spouses and should never be given away. Even though this is difficult to type even now, it still brings shame and embarrassment to me. *Totally agree drifting on.That may be where I have the toughest time dealing with. My WW thought so little of me and our marriage she gave something so special between spouses away so easily to POSOM. Forever changed the way I look at my marriage and WW.*
> 
> My WW having an affair was humiliating to the core and not just something I can let go of easily. In time I feel I will let go of the humiliation but most of these feelings have returned as the 20th approaches. January 20, 2014 was my d-day and that has brought many feelings and emotions to the surface again. Just need to get past tomorrow without incident.*Hope you make it through today drifting. My D-day is coming up next month, on the 14th. Something else happens that day too doesn't it? Oh that's right it's Valentine's Day. Just makes me all warm and fuzzy inside thinking about it. *
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

Something that absolutely sucks with infidelity is it makes marriage itself a bad decision.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Loyallad

Whatever I held sacred in my marriage was blown away to dust. 
Wedding ring- she wore it while having sex and groping OM. 
Herself- gave it away for a few compliments.
Her total self- condom used once, second time finished inside.
Emotions- loved OM for six months, communicated with OM with what should have been mine.
Deception- lied to me for two and a half years and five months of MC.

Sorry your here loyallad, even more sorry for your d-day. That has to be horrific. 

I can't continue this list. I'm all over the place today. Anxious, numb, panicking, I need to go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Loyallad
> 
> Whatever I held sacred in my marriage was blown away to dust.
> Wedding ring- she wore it while having sex and groping OM.
> ...


It gets easier. It'll get easier.


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## loyallad (Aug 1, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Loyallad
> 
> Whatever I held sacred in my marriage was blown away to dust.
> Wedding ring- she wore it while having sex and groping OM.
> ...


Yeah of all the days in a year maybe the only days that would have been as bad or worse would be Christmas and your own birthday. 

So now when I go a lot of places decorated for Valentine's there it is hitting me in the face. Advertised on tv, radio, internet, newspaper, etc.... there it is. Maybe Hallmark can come out with a card for me, "enjoy today BS and remember to thank your WS for forever screwing up today for you!" Maybe I should talk to Cupid and see if he can replace those arrows with poison darts. I know a couple of people to take aim at.:rofl:


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I was embarrassed; that I didn't catch her sooner - especially after I found TAM. All the red flags right in front of me, all the boundary crossing I didn't think twice about. I would have caught her in two months instead of 2 years if I'd just had a clue.

And I was humiliated; not so much by the A itself; but by the contemptible way she and the POSOM talked about me.

Shame? No. She bares the shame.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

my ex wife was so ugly it was scary, i figured marry ugly they wont cheat..........yep they do. my god was i humiliated when it first happened (we had a 6 month old son) no never been happier, shes gone a way way better woman in her place and i have custody of my son and ex has nothing and lives off the state.

divorce yours and move on with your life, it will get better you just need to help it out by leaving her.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

badmemory said:


> I was embarrassed; that I didn't catch her sooner - especially after I found TAM. All the red flags right in front of me, all the boundary crossing I didn't think twice about. I would have caught her in two months instead of 2 years if I'd just had a clue.
> 
> And I was humiliated; not so much by the A itself; but by the contemptible way she and the POSOM talked about me.
> 
> Shame? No. She bares the shame.


I would bet most people here wished they had found this Site sooner.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

RV9 said:


> It gets easier. It'll get easier.


I sure hope so as today was absolutely terrible. Triggered all day long and they kept coming one after another. I find being here to be cathartic but even that wasn't helping.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Sports Fan said:


> I would bet most people here wished they had found this Site sooner.


Amen. I would have done everything differently. Probably could have stopped WW from being a WW.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

loyallad said:


> Yeah of all the days in a year maybe the only days that would have been as bad or worse would be Christmas and your own birthday.
> 
> So now when I go a lot of places decorated for Valentine's there it is hitting me in the face. Advertised on tv, radio, internet, newspaper, etc.... there it is. Maybe Hallmark can come out with a card for me, "enjoy today BS and remember to thank your WS for forever screwing up today for you!" Maybe I should talk to Cupid and see if he can replace those arrows with poison darts. I know a couple of people to take aim at.:rofl:


That is terrible loyallad. I'm sorry that happened to you. Your d-day is totally inescapable. Infidelity just keeps hitting no matter what you do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Sports Fan said:


> I would bet most people here wished they had found this Site sooner.


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## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> I sure hope so as today was absolutely terrible. Triggered all day long and they kept coming one after another. I find being here to be cathartic but even that wasn't helping.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Same here. Nothing drowns your mood like the feeling of hopelessness. It's easier talking about what the ws did rather than how you felt. It makes you relive the worst times.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

RV9 said:


> Same here. Nothing drowns your mood like the feeling of hopelessness. It's easier talking about what the ws did rather than how you felt. It makes you relive the worst times.


I guess I'll share some insight to how I feel...

Well I survived my one year from d-day. Many emotions felt and at the end of the night I was exhausted. WW texted all day yesterday to help me get through. I hugged her last night for her supporting me all day. WW actually seemed like she was when we dated. Everything that attracted me to her was on full display yesterday. 

The feeling of hopelessness finally dissipated around ten last night. Today I feel hopeful that we make it. I think a dozen roses are in order, I have expressed using words how well she is doing the heavy lifting, I think an action on my part should be displayed. Not that I haven't done this but more because I want to. 

Yesterday caused anxiousness, hopelessness, depression, and a host of other emotions. Today I continue my R one step at a time....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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