# Wife of 48 years lied about an emotional affair lasting 37 years



## Old_and_Broken

“We would have killed each other, wouldn’t we?” These words were spoken by my college girlfriend, best friend and wife of 48 years - and my world came crashing down. Even though I suspected what she meant, I calmly asked “Who are you talking about?” The answer was a knife in my heart – “Pat B. – we both had a bad temper.” I was very upset that my wife was having a daydream of life with my former business associate, but held my temper. Until this happened, I would have said we had a very strong marriage with love and trust since we married at 19. She had always told me I was her one and only and she never thought about any other man. Years before, I noticed some suspicious interactions between Pat and my wife but trusted my wife.

As bad as this was, the real shocks were yet to come... She first tried to convince me I misheard and said "You don't know how good a friend you had in Pat". This led to more arguments when she insisted she would never have said that and had no reason to say that. Needless to say, we had even more heated discussions about what she meant and why she was trying to cover it up. She finally confessed that Pat B. had asked her to leave me and stay with him when we moved 37 years ago. She never mentioned this to me and had continued to stay in contact with him over the years under the guise of saying “Pat called for you today” (while I was at work). During my questions, she said she was protecting him (HIM - not her husband). Our storybook 48-year marriage was a SHAM. I felt so used and betrayed. To put this in perspective, both my wife and I hate lying and this was the only thing we ever punished our (now adult) children for doing. Even further, my wife had a favorite story she told to all her friends and our families: “I could never lie to J. (my name) and I couldn’t even keep a secret from him. I once paid too much for an end-table and felt so guilty I had to tell him.” Great story to cover her real behavior.

For someone who couldn't lie to her husband, she was damn good at it! But if an ongoing emotional affair wasn't enough, she had another confession when we tried to work through this. After trying to defuse the situation by giving me "Pity Sex", she exclaimed that she thoroughly enjoyed it and wanted more! She had told me 15 years before that sex was painful and her doctor told her to not engage in sex anymore because thinning tissue in her vagina made it dangerous. Being a man, I still tried, but she reminded me of her "medical condition". I trusted her but now wonder how I could be so STUPID! I loved and trusted her and had abstained - FOR 15 YEARS! And now she wants sex! But still not the worse - she didn't confess earlier and allowed me to have prostate surgery just 2 years prior. Although I can still get an erection, I can't orgasm. Sex holds no joy for me now. And now the liar wants it!!

There's much more about her defending her "friend" but the bottom line is she continues to insist she did nothing wrong and I need to get over it! Says that since she didn't even know what "lying by omission" meant until recently, it wasn't lying!? Refuses to see a counselor. Her story of why she stayed in contact has evolved from "he was just a friend" to "I just wanted to catch up" to "I felt sorry for him" to "I guess I loved him... but like a brother". Her story and lying are classic examples of at least an emotional affair and I can't help but wonder if it was physical. I've seen a personal counselor and that took the edge off my immediate anger. I know it's in the past, but this lying woman is a stranger and not the woman I married. My anger comes and goes but is not getting better even after a year. I find it necessary to drink myself to sleep at night. 

I'm an old man now - what does divorce offer me? I am depressed and live day-to-day. I feel trapped in the present with no past and no future. I've had more alcohol in the last year than my entire life before - how else can I silence the thoughts in my head? She left me with a legacy of wondering, questioning and suffering for the rest of my life. I don't think leaving would stop the pain. Staying reminds me of what she did. I curse myself for staying and giving her exactly what she lied to get (me for security, no sex, Pat to talk to) with no remorse about lying and hurting her husband. And she still claims she loves me and only me and wouldn't do anything to hurt me!?

Has anyone else experienced such long-term betrayal? Can anyone offer real suggestions or advice? Do I just pretend I'm OK but really suffering?


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## Openminded

Sorry you find yourself here.


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## jonty30

Unless your friend lived 1000 miles away all this time, I refuse to believe she limited herself to just having an EA for forty years. 

I can only suggest that you enjoy the rest of your life as best as you can.


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## Luckylucky

That’s cruel, if you don’t mind me asking how did he become your former partner and were you also friends with him all these years? 

You can stop drinking and stop grieving all of this. Life is truly really unfair sometimes. And then one day, you pass all that back onto someone else. That’s right. You start to let go, and start to live! And pass it on. One day, you get to feel ok, and whatever bad feelings anyone has as a result of you finding happiness and sleeping easy… well, that’s none of your concern. Why should you miss out? Why should you care about anyone else at this point in your life, except for the brilliant future that awaits you. 

Because the future’s going to be better than this. Truly. Imagine this no longer occupying your thoughts, and you no longer participating. It’s time to shine.


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## AGoodFlogging

I was a bit on the fence about this until I got to the sexlessness and the likely lies about medical advice on this to keep you quiet. That is a pretty cruel betrayal and does point to her feelings about you.

She is obviously desperately scrambling to put a quick fix over this issue by letting you have sex with her (it was a bad idea by the way to accept this offer).

If you are going to try and get her to actually rebuild your marriage then you are going to have to risk it. You've said she refuses to see a counsellor. I'd suggest giving her one more shot and say that we either see a counsellor together or lawyers separately and mean it! Make and appointment for both before you do this so she knows it is not an idle threat. Last chance saloon.

At the end of the day, life could be great on your own after this. Women live longer than men, lots of widows and other divorcees out there. The fact that she is prepared to break 15 years of sexlessness to try and keep you should tell you what your real value is out there, she knows it but she has believed she had you under control until now.


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## Tested_by_stress

As another has suggested, it is highly likely this was physical at some point. No man carries on a purely "emotional" affair for 37 years.


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## Diana7

If you want to know if she is now telling the truth get her to take a lie detector test. Make it a condition of you staying.
The lies about her apparent medical condition were very cruel. 

You have to make a decision now. Dont let this ruin the rest of your life.


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## Savannah01

Old_and_Broken said:


> “We would have killed each other, wouldn’t we?” These words were spoken by my college girlfriend, best friend and wife of 48 years - and my world came crashing down. Even though I suspected what she meant, I calmly asked “Who are you talking about?” The answer was a knife in my heart – “Pat B. – we both had a bad temper.” I was very upset that my wife was having a daydream of life with my former business associate, but held my temper. Until this happened, I would have said we had a very strong marriage with love and trust since we married at 19. She had always told me I was her one and only and she never thought about any other man. Years before, I noticed some suspicious interactions between Pat and my wife but trusted my wife.
> 
> As bad as this was, the real shocks were yet to come... She first tried to convince me I misheard and said "You don't know how good a friend you had in Pat". This led to more arguments when she insisted she would never have said that and had no reason to say that. Needless to say, we had even more heated discussions about what she meant and why she was trying to cover it up. She finally confessed that Pat B. had asked her to leave me and stay with him when we moved 37 years ago. She never mentioned this to me and had continued to stay in contact with him over the years under the guise of saying “Pat called for you today” (while I was at work). During my questions, she said she was protecting him (HIM - not her husband). Our storybook 48-year marriage was a SHAM. I felt so used and betrayed. To put this in perspective, both my wife and I hate lying and this was the only thing we ever punished our (now adult) children for doing. Even further, my wife had a favorite story she told to all her friends and our families: “I could never lie to J. (my name) and I couldn’t even keep a secret from him. I once paid too much for an end-table and felt so guilty I had to tell him.” Great story to cover her real behavior.
> 
> For someone who couldn't lie to her husband, she was damn good at it! But if an ongoing emotional affair wasn't enough, she had another confession when we tried to work through this. After trying to defuse the situation by giving me "Pity Sex", she exclaimed that she thoroughly enjoyed it and wanted more! She had told me 15 years before that sex was painful and her doctor told her to not engage in sex anymore because thinning tissue in her vagina made it dangerous. Being a man, I still tried, but she reminded me of her "medical condition". I trusted her but now wonder how I could be so STUPID! I loved and trusted her and had abstained - FOR 15 YEARS! And now she wants sex! But still not the worse - she didn't confess earlier and allowed me to have prostate surgery just 2 years prior. Although I can still get an erection, I can't orgasm. Sex holds no joy for me now. And now the liar wants it!!
> 
> There's much more about her defending her "friend" but the bottom line is she continues to insist she did nothing wrong and I need to get over it! Says that since she didn't even know what "lying by omission" meant until recently, it wasn't lying!? Refuses to see a counselor. Her story of why she stayed in contact has evolved from "he was just a friend" to "I just wanted to catch up" to "I felt sorry for him" to "I guess I loved him... but like a brother". Her story and lying are classic examples of at least an emotional affair and I can't help but wonder if it was physical. I've seen a personal counselor and that took the edge off my immediate anger. I know it's in the past, but this lying woman is a stranger and not the woman I married. My anger comes and goes but is not getting better even after a year. I find it necessary to drink myself to sleep at night.
> 
> I'm an old man now - what does divorce offer me? I am depressed and live day-to-day. I feel trapped in the present with no past and no future. I've had more alcohol in the last year than my entire life before - how else can I silence the thoughts in my head? She left me with a legacy of wondering, questioning and suffering for the rest of my life. I don't think leaving would stop the pain. Staying reminds me of what she did. I curse myself for staying and giving her exactly what she lied to get (me for security, no sex, Pat to talk to) with no remorse about lying and hurting her husband. And she still claims she loves me and only me and wouldn't do anything to hurt me!?
> 
> Has anyone else experienced such long-term betrayal? Can anyone offer real suggestions or advice? Do I just pretend I'm OK but really suffering?


Been the betrayed as well .. one thing I know for sure is that we aren’t the weak one in this . Never feel like this was your fault . The weaker person is the one who betrayed our trust and relationship. I have now realized that if my husband can’t move with me in a relationship/ marriage then I’m moving on alone . What good is it to want to move together when you’re the only one who wants to?
Consider making a choice that will make YOU happy . Time is really too short to be miserable or let someone else make us miserable


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## Benbutton

One thing I've learned in life is the second someone tells you they never lie/lied is the second they lied to you.


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## Gabriel

This is heartbreaking.

I would suggest a lot of therapy and a big reduction of alcohol intake.

Seek your friends, your kids, your siblings if you have them. Build into those relationships instead of your marriage at this point.


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## Evinrude58

Gotta stop the drinking and continue seeing someone to help you figure out what you really want, and then when you do, put your heart into it. 
After reading your whole story, my first instinct was to ditch this despicable liar who stole your life from you by hiding her double life from you for so many years. However, divorcing her may very well reward her for her actions. Considering she’s wanting a bunch of sex and you had prostate surgery, I think what I would do is plot my own cunning plan to stay married, alter her lifestyle negatively in as many ways as I could, grudge bang her almost to orgasm and leave her hanging every time, and tell her it’s caused by your medical condition.
But, that’s because I’m an A-hole. You may get better mileage doing the right thing by divorcing her and having the chance to meet someone that actually loves you. Let me add that this person you married is particularly vile and I’m very, very sorry you endured this.
15 years of no sex? That’s a real shame. No love either, from your wife.
Lastly, you can bet your wife and her AP have had sex through the years. It’s almost a given.
Don’t be naive. Evil will find a way.


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## Ursula

@Old_and_Broken, I'm so sorry that you find yourself here and in this ****ty, ****ty situation. 

Couple things: stop drinking so much alcohol. Sure, a drink once in awhile is OK, but not a lot and not every night. Start taking care of yourself because you're worth it, and start recognizing your worth. Your wife is a lying POS, and I wouldn't give her the time of day.

To me it sounds like you guys are still living together?? If this is the case, here's what I would do: 

1. Talk to a lawyer or 2 to see how they can help you in this situation
2. Get all of your ducks in a row in terms of important paperwork and documents, things that hold value to you whether in monetary value or sentimental value, any family heirlooms that are important to you, anything to do with your kids (although they sound like grown adults now, so that may be moot). 
3. Prepare divorce docs and slap those suckers down in front of your wife

Personally, if it were me in your shoes, I'd take her for the ride of her friggen life, and I wouldn't feel badly about it. I would make sure that you don't need to pay her out in the divorce, or owe her a penny in regards to her living expenses. She can fend for herself. I'm so sorry that she was such a terrible person to do something like this to you. You owe it to yourself and your future to become the best you that you can be, and to find a [email protected]$$ partner to share it with!


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## Laurentium

AGoodFlogging said:


> You've said she refuses to see a counsellor. I'd suggest giving her one more shot and say that we either see a counsellor together or lawyers separately and mean it!


Yeah, I agree with this


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## Livvie

Ursula said:


> @Old_and_Broken, I'm so sorry that you find yourself here and in this ****ty, ****ty situation.
> 
> Couple things: stop drinking so much alcohol. Sure, a drink once in awhile is OK, but not a lot and not every night. Start taking care of yourself because you're worth it, and start recognizing your worth. Your wife is a lying POS, and I wouldn't give her the time of day.
> 
> To me it sounds like you guys are still living together?? If this is the case, here's what I would do:
> 
> 1. Talk to a lawyer or 2 to see how they can help you in this situation
> 2. Get all of your ducks in a row in terms of important paperwork and documents, things that hold value to you whether in monetary value or sentimental value, any family heirlooms that are important to you, anything to do with your kids (although they sound like grown adults now, so that may be moot).
> 3. Prepare divorce docs and slap those suckers down in front of your wife
> 
> Personally, if it were me in your shoes, I'd take her for the ride of her friggen life, and I wouldn't feel badly about it. I would make sure that you don't need to pay her out in the divorce, or owe her a penny in regards to her living expenses. She can fend for herself. I'm so sorry that she was such a terrible person to do something like this to you. You owe it to yourself and your future to become the best you that you can be, and to find a [email protected]$$ partner to share it with!


Ursula, that's not the way it works. They have been married almost 50 years. Of course they are going to have to split marital assets, and depending on if she ever worked and for how long, he could have to pay monthly support.


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## Ursula

Livvie said:


> Ursula, that's not the way it works. They have been married almost 50 years. Of course they are going to have to split marital assets, and depending on if she ever worked and for how long, he could have to pay monthly support.


Yeah, I know, I wrote that when I was angry on behalf of the OP. However, depending on where he lives, there may be ways around that, I personally know someone where I live who has an XW who doesn't work, and he doesn't have to pay alimony to her. Child support = yes, but not alimony. Reason being is that he's supported her while they were separated, and while married, he paid off her credit cards among other things, so at this point, the court says that he owes her nothing. So, depending on the situation, and whereabouts, it can certainly be looked into. They will however, need to split up the assets accumulated during OP's and his W's long marriage.


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## aaronj

O and B, I completely feel your pain. Like your wife, mine down-played, misdirected, and deflected her feelings for the OM. It, too, was a long term emotional affair, though it did not progress to a full-on sexual affair (confirmed by emails I read between them). They were in touch from the early days of our marriage and for long stretches of time, with a break of about 10 years from the mid 90s to the mid 2000s. The only thing that kept them in check was the fact they were 350 miles apart. 

I discovered hundreds of email exchanges from 2005-2011, when I uncovered the extent of their contact. Despite being able to quote her own words back to her, she still gaslights. She says I don't have "the context." Well, what context is needed when you are reading private words shared with a man who isn't your husband?

I also know the dilemma you face as an older man considering a divorce. A lifetime of planning together, building a financial future based on mutual contributions and benefits, would have to be put on the scrap heap. Not to mention entangled relationships with family and friends that cannot be replaced at this age.

I don't know anything more about your situation or your relationship with your wife, but I agree with others that her cascading responses about the nature of her relationship with the OM raise reasonable suspicion that the relationship extended beyond what she has already confessed to.

Hang in there, brother.


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## A18S37K14H18

For something that long, I'd divorce her if I were in your shoes, but that's just me.

I'm so sorry you're in this boat.

I wish you well whatever you do.


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## Tdbo

AGoodFlogging said:


> If you are going to try and get her to actually rebuild your marriage then you are going to have to risk it. You've said she refuses to see a counsellor. I'd suggest giving her one more shot and say that we either see a counsellor together or lawyers separately and mean it! Make and appointment for both before you do this so she knows it is not an idle threat. Last chance saloon.


I agree that this is probably your best play.
If you don't feel comfortable doing so, another option is to study up on the 180 and implement it.
Quit drinking, and go out and live the life that makes her jealous and insecure. New clothes, friends, haircut, clothes, interests, etc. Make it clear that she is no longer the priority in your life.
Go on offense. Put her on defense.
Do what you want and let her eat your dust.
Put the onus on her to save your marriage.
Worse case scenario is that you use this time to detach and lay the groundwork for life with out her.


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## Galabar01

I'm so sorry to hear this. Insist on a lie detector test. Have her write out everything that happened with the other man and let her now that it will be verified with the test.

You need to be willing to lose this marriage in order to possible have Amy chance of fixing it. Any weakness or backtracking you show to your wife will make things harder for you.


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## SunCMars

Livvie said:


> Ursula, that's not the way it works. They have been married almost 50 years. Of course they are going to have to split marital assets, and depending on if she ever worked and for how long, he could have to pay monthly support.


Yes, that is the case if you play by the rules.

He could send all his money to some bank outside the U.S's jurisdiction, say Uruguay, or somewhere safe.

Rarely, will the US Courts extradite anyone over marital assets.

I could be wrong, but think not.


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## Rob_1

That's up to you as to what to do, but I know for sure that I wouldn't care one bit of how miserable, broke, or mind movies I get for the rest of my life, but my pride, dignity, and self-respect would not allowed me to continue being with her one more minute. I would be gone. Period.


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## sokillme

Rob_1 said:


> That's up to you as to what to do, but I know for sure that I wouldn't care one bit of how miserable, broke, or mind movies I get for the rest of my life, but my pride, dignity, and self-respect would not allowed me to continue being with her one more minute. I would be gone. Period.


I agree. Even if it's a financial hardship it would be worth it. Like the story of Samson.

At the very least I would live a totally separate life. Probably won't speak any more words to her then were necessary, go eat at friends, sleep there. Hell I may find some guy friends to move in with if I could, if it's too expensive to divorce. If you don't have ones, go make ones without her. If your kids ask tell them why. "Your Mom had an emotional affair for 48 years and I am don't wasting my time."

I would also tell her you are scheduling a lie detector test because there is definitely more to this story, especially the sex part. Then watch her squirm.

Look, I am a vindictive SOB though but I can't say that caused me any problems.

My advice to you is stop acting like you are powerless and stop being so nice. Take control of your life and give your wife as much consideration as she gave you. She obviously didn't care about your life enough to protect you so only you can do that now. Stop treating her like you are her husband, she spent decades pretending you weren't.


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## Rob_1

sokillme said:


> there is definitely more to this story, especially the sex part


Absolutely.


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## Livvie

SunCMars said:


> Yes, that is the case if you play by the rules.
> 
> He could send all his money to some bank outside the U.S's jurisdiction, say Uruguay, or somewhere safe.
> 
> Rarely, will the US Courts extradite anyone over marital assets.
> 
> I could be wrong, but think not.


Not really. You don't think if 50 years of marital assets disappeared the other spouse's attorney wouldn't hire a forensic accountant???

I assure you, it's quite common in family law these days to have an accountant dig in if something looks off. You can't just "send all of" decades of marital funds away and not have it uncovered that the funds went missing! 

The courts would find a way to make it even in that event, even if they give the non absconding spouse all of the real property, retirement, etc.

Don't advise anyone ever to hide away marital assets!!


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## SunCMars

Livvie said:


> Not really. You don't think if 50 years of marital assets disappeared the other spouse's attorney wouldn't hire a forensic accountant???
> 
> I assure you, it's quite common in family law these days to have an accountant dig in if something looks off. You can't just "send all of" decades of marital funds away and not have it uncovered that the funds went missing!
> 
> The courts would find a way to make it even in that event, even if they give the non absconding spouse all of the real property, retirement, etc.
> 
> Don't advise anyone ever to hide away marital assets!!


Oh...

Did I not mention that he would follow the wire transferred funds, in short order?

He would then be subject to whatever country he resided in, their visa rules, specifically, as a long term visitor or a tourist on a visa.

I do agree, this maneuver would be discovered and he would be hauled into court, and his passport, soon pulled.

He would need to do this quickly and beat feet.

Uh, if he so chooses.
So few do.

I brought this up to show that it could be done. Not all countries kowtow to other nations.


_Lilith- _I am now this Avatars official spokesperson.


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## Old_and_Broken

Thanks to all of you who have sincerely thought about my situation and tried to offer condolences or suggestions. I would have more and better options if this had been revealed 20 or even 10 years ago - but it wasn't. Life is not FAIR and is much more complicated than any simple answer. I have spent months struggling with this situation. I realize that divorce would not heal my pain and would make me look like the bad guy to the family and the public even though I am faultless. I have tried further to get answers and/or counseling, but it hurts worse to have her continue to lie further to cover her past lies even after she again assured me she will never lie to me again! My lying wife is 69, like me, and has a physical handicap - how could you abandon someone you loved for almost 50 years no matter how she hurt you? So she'll get away with it and I'll quietly suffer unless I magically forget (unlikely). Our children are middle aged and I also have grandchildren to consider. I don't want them to get a bad impression of life and love by destroying their impression that their grandparents had such a good marriage. Most of all, I have MY self-respect to protect. I will continue to be the best "me" I can and not be vindictive since it wouldn't help anyone. (Of course I would get short-term satisfaction from lashing out, but long-term this would cause more problems.) Any disclosure will harm everyone except me and the disclosure won't really help me mentally. I will likely self-medicate with alcohol for the rest of my life - but I have learned to limit it to just enough to get to sleep -2 (at most 3) shots at bedtime. Again, thank you for your comments. Signing off. "As Good as it Gets"


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## Tested_by_stress

O and B, my aunt confessed an affair the day after she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. She cheated in her mid forties for an entire year with a family friend. My uncle cared for her for 4 more years until she passed on in her mid 70's. She unburdened herself but destroyed him in the process. I don't believe he has grieved her since she passed about 5 years ago and he has not sought any councelling. There is not a single picture of them as a couple displayed in his house. He has tried to run from it all to no avail. I would tell you to do the same as my family has tried to tell him......get councelling of some sort to help you get through this.


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## MattMatt

@Old_and_Broken How are things now?


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## ScotchnStout

Old_and_Broken said:


> Thanks to all of you who have sincerely thought about my situation and tried to offer condolences or suggestions. I would have more and better options if this had been revealed 20 or even 10 years ago - but it wasn't. Life is not FAIR and is much more complicated than any simple answer. I have spent months struggling with this situation. I realize that divorce would not heal my pain and would make me look like the bad guy to the family and the public even though I am faultless. I have tried further to get answers and/or counseling, but it hurts worse to have her continue to lie further to cover her past lies even after she again assured me she will never lie to me again! My lying wife is 69, like me, and has a physical handicap - how could you abandon someone you loved for almost 50 years no matter how she hurt you? So she'll get away with it and I'll quietly suffer unless I magically forget (unlikely). Our children are middle aged and I also have grandchildren to consider. I don't want them to get a bad impression of life and love by destroying their impression that their grandparents had such a good marriage. Most of all, I have MY self-respect to protect. I will continue to be the best "me" I can and not be vindictive since it wouldn't help anyone. (Of course I would get short-term satisfaction from lashing out, but long-term this would cause more problems.) Any disclosure will harm everyone except me and the disclosure won't really help me mentally. I will likely self-medicate with alcohol for the rest of my life - but I have learned to limit it to just enough to get to sleep -2 (at most 3) shots at bedtime. Again, thank you for your comments. Signing off. "As Good as it Gets"


Damn big bro, I'm so sorry, It's not much but that's all I can offer, hope this gets better with time.

Don't have any advice to offer cause I'm the vindictive type and that's not what your about right now, just condolences man.


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## In Absentia

MattMatt said:


> @Old_and_Broken How are things now?


Still old and broken, apparently ☺


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## Rubix Cubed

In Absentia said:


> Still old and broken, apparently ☺


And on a diet of eternal **** sandwiches.


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## Taxman

37 years out of 48 is literally unforgivable. That is the definition of a sham marriage. I do not care how old you are, or where you are in your life, I would strongly counsel you to end this abortion of a marriage. It is the ultimate in disrespect to have a third party in your marriage. Therefore, I urge you to consign your WW to her OM. Let him have her, support her, and anything else. You get your self esteem back, and as a lot of my BH's will say, the weight of the world off your shoulders. (Even if you were in the dark, I will guarantee there was a dark cloud perpetually over your home) I had a case of a senior divorce a few years ago, she had behavioral issues that got worse with age, to the extent that authorities were contacted twice. Third time was the charm, he had her charged with assault, took out an RO, and initiated divorce proceedings. It came out after discussions with his children, that her behaviour was present in their childhood, and she would harm them, and tell them to not tell Daddy, because he would leave them. This too was deposed and formed part of the D. She had the audacity to say that he could not abandon her, as she was a senior, and would never b e able to replace him with another man. She apparently did not know him very well. He is social, and for an old guy, well kept. He has little problem with women. Given that he is a commodity.


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## drencrom

37 years and only an emotional affair? Sorry, gotta call bulls*** on that one.

Yes, when you have been together as long as you have, what does divorce offer you? I feel for you. She basically, IMO, wasted 48 years of your life. A half a century.

Damn, I don't even really know what to say to you except I am very sorry this has happened to you. Your entire 48 year marriage was a lie. And not to try to stir the hornets nest, but if she is saying she only engaged in a 37 year EA, she is lying.

And NOW she wants sex? I hate to break it to you, but IMO, the reason she didn't want sex before is because, and you know this to be true, she and the OM were having it. Oh, but NOW she wants it....why? Because she is older now and her options are gone.

I guess if I were in your situation, I may not divorce her, but I'd become emotionally detached. I'd probably go to Vegas either by myself alot, or with some friends. Not to cheat or anything like that, but I would want to have as much fun as possible away from a woman that just destroyed me.

Sorry, I don't mean to post and not really offer anything up here, but I just can't imagine being in your situation. Honestly, I'd probably divorce her if it were me.

Question is, what do YOU want to do? Have you thought about divorce? Can you honestly say you can live with her the rest of your life and not be disgusted by her daily? Or, do you think you want to stay married because divorce, especially now, is to hard and you might just want to treat her like a leper? IMO that's not unreasonable given what she has done.

EDIT: I see this is a tad older thread. I hit "NEW" and assumed it was without looking at the original post date. I too would like to know how you are doing @Old_and_Broken if you are lurking.


----------



## ah_sorandy

drencrom said:


> 37 years and only an emotional affair? Sorry, gotta call bulls*** on that one.
> 
> Yes, when you have been together as long as you have, what does divorce offer you? I feel for you. She basically, IMO, wasted 48 years of your life. A half a century.
> 
> Damn, I don't even really know what to say to you except I am very sorry this has happened to you. Your entire 48 year marriage was a lie. And not to try to stir the hornets nest, but if she is saying she only engaged in a 37 year EA, she is lying.
> 
> And NOW she wants sex? I hate to break it to you, but IMO, the reason she didn't want sex before is because, and you know this to be true, she and the OM were having it. Oh, but NOW she wants it....why? Because she is older now and her options are gone.
> 
> I guess if I were in your situation, I may not divorce her, but I'd become emotionally detached. I'd probably go to Vegas either by myself alot, or with some friends. Not to cheat or anything like that, but I would want to have as much fun as possible away from a woman that just destroyed me.
> 
> Sorry, I don't mean to post and not really offer anything up here, but I just can't imagine being in your situation. Honestly, I'd probably divorce her if it were me.
> 
> Question is, what do YOU want to do? Have you thought about divorce? Can you honestly say you can live with her the rest of your life and not be disgusted by her daily? Or, do you think you want to stay married because divorce, especially now, is to hard and you might just want to treat her like a leper? IMO that's not unreasonable given what she has done.
> 
> EDIT: I see this is a tad older thread. I hit "NEW" and assumed it was without looking at the original post date. I too would like to know how you are doing @Old_and_Broken if you are lurking.


Yep, I agree that now she is older, and her options have diminished, her husband now looks to be her best option. Too little too late IMHO. 37 years of an EA only is BS too, IMHO.

I think the OP should get a divorce, find a younger woman to find happiness with, and move on. However, it's NOT easy to do, and lots of heartache and strife will be involved.


----------



## drencrom

Old_and_Broken said:


> I have tried further to get answers and/or counseling, but it hurts worse to have her continue to lie further to cover her past lies even after she again assured me she will never lie to me again! My lying wife is 69, like me, and has a physical handicap - how could you abandon someone you loved for almost 50 years no matter how she hurt you?


You loved her for almost 50 years. She didn't love you back the same for at least 37 of them. As far as the physical handicap, sorry to say, so what? I assume she had this handicap during most of the marriage, and yet you loved her anyway. Now she is older, has no options, so of course she is going to honor the man who stood by her NOW.

I know this isn't probably you, and you likely would be a better man than me in this situation, but if I didn't divorce her, I'd probably turn my back on her for the most part. She'd be nothing but a roommate for the rest of our lives.



> So she'll get away with it and I'll quietly suffer unless I magically forget (unlikely).


Don't suffer quietly. If you need to get it off your chest, do so. If you need to yell at her, do so. She doesn't get to skate while you are in the personal hell she caused you.



> Our children are middle aged and I also have grandchildren to consider. I don't want them to get a bad impression of life and love by destroying their impression that their grandparents had such a good marriage.


If you ever decided to leave her, it wouldn't be you that destroyed their impression. That's all on her.



> Most of all, I have MY self-respect to protect. I will continue to be the best "me" I can and not be vindictive since it wouldn't help anyone.


If you decided to leave her, that isn't being vindictive. If you stay, even if you decide she is nothing more than a roommate from here on out, that wouldn't be vindictive. Vindictive would be you smearing her to everyone, and no, I don't mean simply telling the truth about what happened



> (Of course I would get short-term satisfaction from lashing out, but long-term this would cause more problems.) Any disclosure will harm everyone except me and the disclosure won't really help me mentally. I will likely self-medicate with alcohol for the rest of my life - but I have learned to limit it to just enough to get to sleep -2 (at most 3) shots at bedtime. Again, thank you for your comments. Signing off. "As Good as it Gets"


Don't think that you aren't entitled to let her have it with both barrels at least in these early stages so she knows exactly the kind of pain you are in. I wouldn't make it an ongoing thing, but don't think you'd be the bad guy for lashing out at least a few times. You are in pain, and getting off your chest might be good. Let her see exactly what she's done to you.

Again, it's hard to give advice especially since you know you aren't going to be divorcing, and I'm not even saying that you should.

But if it was me, and this is only me talking here and not saying it's what you should do, at 69, I'd likely just tell her that we live together from here on out, nothing more, no love, no affection. Just roommates. Again, this isn't advice, I'm just telling you how I'd end up doing it. Maybe you have considered that the option as well since you are wanting to protect everyone.

I'd end up finding some friends to play cards with alot, fishing, etc. Almost anything to get me out of that house. I wish you luck, you are in one of those damned if you do, damned if you don't situations.


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## drencrom

ah_sorandy said:


> Yep, I agree that now she is older, and her options have diminished, her husband now looks to be her best option. Too little too late IMHO. 37 years of an EA only is BS too, IMHO.
> 
> I think the OP should get a divorce, find a younger woman to find happiness with, and move on. However, it's NOT easy to do, and lots of heartache and strife will be involved.


I tend to agree, just not with the finding a younger woman thing. Maybe move to a retirement community, find other companionship, or find one of those events where people who are in their older years can socialize.

Personally, if I had some friends around, I'd be going on some guy trips....enjoy the rest of my life. I know OP doesn't think that leaving her would ease his pain, but I know for sure it eased mine.


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## A18S37K14H18

OP,

Some food for thought, so to speak.

We may only be the chump if we choose to be.

That is a saying that is mentioned from time to time on this site. Why? Because it is true.

You have agency. You get to choose what you want to do going forward to deal with this and what she has intentionally chosen, over and over to perpetrate upon you for about half of your life.

All of us, and this includes you too, have to deal with the consequences of our choices, actions etc. And that includes things we choose not to do too.

You need to deal with this, really deal with this and that's whether you leave this incredibly cruel and hurtful woman or not.


----------



## drencrom

A18S37K14H18 said:


> You have agency. You get to choose what you want to do going forward to deal with this and what she has intentionally chosen, over and over to perpetrate upon you for about half of your life.


What was that quote from the movie American Beauty when he caught his wife with her mentor?

"You don't get to tell me what to do ever again."


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## Old_and_Broken

First - thank all of you for your responses. It helps to at least vent my frustrations. I know this sounds like a soap opera, but in the middle of trying to accept the situation, another shock just popped up by accident. My wife has always insisted she was pursued by the other man and she wasn't in love with him. Well ... my daughter is having some marital issues and last week was telling me about her past problems. She explained that her Mother (my wife) had advised her about being attracted to a man during daughter's separation in 2019. Without my prompting - I was just a sympathetic ear - my daughter told me that my wife advised her that "the heart wants what the heart wants". My wife related the fact that she had had been in the same situation years ago and had decided to stay. So after all my struggles and trying to cope, another fact emerged - my wife is still lying, protecting the other man and admitted to my daughter that she loved him! After a few days of too much alcohol and arguments, I'm back to stable now. My wife still insists this wasn't true, but my daughter was ignorant of our issues and why would she lie? How much s**t can a man endure? I know leaving is the easy way out, but at 69, there are few viable options except endure. Thanks for "listening" and comments. I can't believe that this is still ongoing. And yes, our life together is little more than roommates now - like the Middle East truce!


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## gr8ful1

Old_and_Broken said:


> How much s**t can a man endure? I know leaving is the easy way out, but at 69, there are few viable options except endure. Thanks for "listening" and comments. I can't believe that this is still ongoing. And yes, our life together is little more than roommates now - like the Middle East truce!


It’s not at all too late to exit this marriage. Unless you’re BOTH broke AND obese you’d likely have to swat women away from throwing themselves at you. At your age there are FAR more available women than men. You’d almost certainly be able to attract an attractive woman in her 50’s where her children are out of the house and you could enjoy someone who hasn’t settled for you. Only you can decide it’s time for you to be someone’s Plan A instead of whatever you are with your wife!


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## BigDaddyNY

Old_and_Broken said:


> First - thank all of you for your responses. It helps to at least vent my frustrations. I know this sounds like a soap opera, but in the middle of trying to accept the situation, another shock just popped up by accident. My wife has always insisted she was pursued by the other man and she wasn't in love with him. Well ... my daughter is having some marital issues and last week was telling me about her past problems. She explained that her Mother (my wife) had advised her about being attracted to a man during daughter's separation in 2019. Without my prompting - I was just a sympathetic ear - my daughter told me that my wife advised her that "the heart wants what the heart wants". My wife related the fact that she had had been in the same situation years ago and had decided to stay. So after all my struggles and trying to cope, another fact emerged - my wife is still lying, protecting the other man and admitted to my daughter that she loved him! After a few days of too much alcohol and arguments, I'm back to stable now. My wife still insists this wasn't true, but my daughter was ignorant of our issues and why would she lie? How much s**t can a man endure? I know leaving is the easy way out, but at 69, there are few viable options except endure. Thanks for "listening" and comments. I can't believe that this is still ongoing. And yes, our life together is little more than roommates now - like the Middle East truce!


It is never too late to dump the liar.


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## drencrom

Old_and_Broken said:


> I can't believe that this is still ongoing. And yes, our life together is little more than roommates now - like the Middle East truce!


If I had found out after all those years later, and now too old to divorce, that's exactly what I'd be informing my wife....that our relationship is little more than roommates using each other for financial convenience. No love, no affection....f*** that.

In my sitch, it was early on, so divorcing was easy and the best option. Best decision I ever made.

For you this late in the game, I get not wanting to divorce. But if I'm you, I'd be doing what I want, when I want and she can just go suck an egg and shut up about it.

Good luck my man.


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## Rob_1

Old_and_Broken said:


> How much s**t can a man endure?


To a man that have self respect and dignity, no **** at all to endure. In the other hand, men that prefer to coward into the comfort of doing nothing and pretend to be some sort of a suffering martyr they can endure as much **** as they are willing to endure.


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## Openminded

You’ll have to choose how you want to spend the rest of your life. Some in their 60’s will stay regardless of the situation — and hope they’re the last one standing when that time comes — but not all will do that (I didn’t). It’s obviously up to you.


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## jlg07

Old_and_Broken said:


> First - thank all of you for your responses. It helps to at least vent my frustrations. I know this sounds like a soap opera, but in the middle of trying to accept the situation, another shock just popped up by accident. My wife has always insisted she was pursued by the other man and she wasn't in love with him. Well ... my daughter is having some marital issues and last week was telling me about her past problems. She explained that her Mother (my wife) had advised her about being attracted to a man during daughter's separation in 2019. Without my prompting - I was just a sympathetic ear - my daughter told me that my wife advised her that "the heart wants what the heart wants". My wife related the fact that she had had been in the same situation years ago and had decided to stay. So after all my struggles and trying to cope, another fact emerged - my wife is still lying, protecting the other man and admitted to my daughter that she loved him! After a few days of too much alcohol and arguments, I'm back to stable now. My wife still insists this wasn't true, but my daughter was ignorant of our issues and why would she lie? How much s**t can a man endure? I know leaving is the easy way out, but at 69, there are few viable options except endure. Thanks for "listening" and comments. I can't believe that this is still ongoing. And yes, our life together is little more than roommates now - like the Middle East truce!


I DO hope that you corrected your Daughter and what her mother ACTUALLY did, and for how long she did it.
Your wife is a coward, a liar, and a manipulator. You should treat her as such from now on....
Live YOUR life the way you want, with no consideration of her or her wants. I would also make sure that your finances are locked down. If she wants anything, let her get a job.


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## Evinrude58

living like roommates? Yeah, I’d probably step out and if you’re too fearful to just divorce, find yourself a lady that you can monkey brand to like lots of people do.
You need some justice and some backbone in your life. The only negative thing you’re getting from your wife is what you’re allowing her to give. If I had to guess, I’d say you’ve been nothing more than a wallet toting roommate from the moment she first banged her affair partner. No, your daughter is not lying. What a POS your wife is to call her own daughter a liar, knowing she isn’t.
Damn. A man at 69 is still a man. My dad is a widower and at 81, just found a woman he’s wanting to marry . You’re 69. So f’ing what! You weren’t 69 when your wife started feeding you **** Sammiches the day the started being “in lurve” with another man. 
You need to stand up for what is right for you, not what is easy for you. I think you’d find your heart would be lifted so much from the weight of living this travesty your wife calls a marriage and that would more than offset the negative of living a lot tighter budget. 
But it’s your life. It sure seems you’re not happy with it. Work towards getting happy.


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## Livvie

gr8ful1 said:


> It’s not at all too late to exit this marriage. Unless you’re BOTH broke AND obese you’d likely have to swat women away from throwing themselves at you. At your age there are FAR more available women than men. You’d almost certainly be able to attract an attractive woman in her 50’s where her children are out of the house and you could enjoy someone who hasn’t settled for you. Only you can decide it’s time for you to be someone’s Plan A instead of whatever you are with your wife!


Why does it have to be a woman "in her 50s"?

The OP is 69, right? So essentially 70. Don't tell him he will most certainly be able to attract an attractive woman in her 50s because that could be far from true.

How bout a woman in her late 60s like he is?


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## gr8ful1

Livvie said:


> Why does it have to be a woman "in her 50s"?
> 
> The OP is 69, right? So essentially 70. Don't tell him he will most certainly be able to attract an attractive woman in her 50s because that could be far from true.
> 
> How bout a woman in her late 60s like he is?


Didn’t mean to offend anyone. I’m just saying, a very large field of women would be open to him. One who would appreciate him for who he is. I mentioned the younger thing only to encourage him that his field is much wider than he thinks. No doubt there are extremely sexy, sex-loving septuagenarian women out there.


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## DownByTheRiver

gr8ful1 said:


> Didn’t mean to offend anyone. I’m just saying, a very large field of women would be open to him. One who would appreciate him for who he is. I mentioned the younger thing only to encourage him that his field is much wider than he thinks. No doubt there are extremely sexy, sex-loving septuagenarian women out there.


No, they wouldn't. I know you're trying to cheer him up, but don't feed him a fairytale. Plus now he's never going to trust one again and he already has sex issues himself. I'm 69. Most people are just trying to manage their health at that age.


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## Evinrude58

DownByTheRiver said:


> No, they wouldn't. I know you're trying to cheer him up, but don't feed him a fairytale. Plus now he's never going to trust one again and he already has sex issues himself. I'm 69. Most people are just trying to manage their health at that age.


I totally disagree with you. 😊


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## Diana7

ah_sorandy said:


> Yep, I agree that now she is older, and her options have diminished, her husband now looks to be her best option. Too little too late IMHO. 37 years of an EA only is BS too, IMHO.
> 
> I think the OP should get a divorce, find a younger woman to find happiness with, and move on. However, it's NOT easy to do, and lots of heartache and strife will be involved.


Or even someone of his own age like Mr D did.


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## RebuildingMe

Evinrude58 said:


> I totally disagree with you. 😊


I disagree with just about everything she posts.


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## RebuildingMe

OP, my stepmother got remarried at 69 after my dad passed away 5 years earlier. They have been married over a decade. They still vacation 2-3x a year in Florida and are living happy and fulfilling lives.


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## Diana7

jlg07 said:


> I DO hope that you corrected your Daughter and what her mother ACTUALLY did, and for how long she did it.
> Your wife is a coward, a liar, and a manipulator. You should treat her as such from now on....
> Live YOUR life the way you want, with no consideration of her or her wants. I would also make sure that your finances are locked down. If she wants anything, let her get a job.


It's practically impossible to get a job in your late 60's. Even if you are physically capable of working full time.


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## Evinrude58

My 81 yr old dad is getting married soon. 
being old doesn’t mean you can’t find someone.


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## A18S37K14H18

You may only be a chump if you choose to be OP.

She is a cheater.

She is a liar.

She does not care how her choices and actions affect you. If she did, she would have made different choices. I mean now, today that she doesn't care about how you are affected by what she did and is still doing to you.

For a long time now OP you've known who and what she is.

There is no need for you to tell me/us why you have chosen to stay with her all these years but you really should dig into that in counseling.


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## DownByTheRiver

Evinrude58 said:


> I totally disagree with you. 😊


Well that's shocking.


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## Evinrude58

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well that's shocking.


Come on now, you make a post I agree with from time to time. We can’t all be right like I always am.😋


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## Rob_1

Diana7 said:


> It's practically impossible to get a job in your late 60's. Even if you are physically capable of working full time.


I beg to differ. It might be hard for a lot of people, but "impossible", no ma chérie. I'm a living proof of that. At 65 I got a job as the Manager of a QC Micro lab.


----------



## marko polo

Old_and_Broken said:


> First - thank all of you for your responses. It helps to at least vent my frustrations. I know this sounds like a soap opera, but in the middle of trying to accept the situation, another shock just popped up by accident. My wife has always insisted she was pursued by the other man and she wasn't in love with him. Well ... my daughter is having some marital issues and last week was telling me about her past problems. She explained that her Mother (my wife) had advised her about being attracted to a man during daughter's separation in 2019. Without my prompting - I was just a sympathetic ear - my daughter told me that my wife advised her that "the heart wants what the heart wants". My wife related the fact that she had had been in the same situation years ago and had decided to stay. So after all my struggles and trying to cope, another fact emerged - my wife is still lying, protecting the other man and admitted to my daughter that she loved him! After a few days of too much alcohol and arguments, I'm back to stable now. My wife still insists this wasn't true, but my daughter was ignorant of our issues and why would she lie? How much s**t can a man endure? I know leaving is the easy way out, but at 69, there are few viable options except endure. Thanks for "listening" and comments. I can't believe that this is still ongoing. And yes, our life together is little more than roommates now - like the Middle East truce!


There are few options except endure. Incorrect. *There are options.*

Your daughter heard the truth from your wife. *Truth learned in secret, one never intended to see the light of day is the real truth.* Don't doubt what you have learned and suspected. As you have said what reason would your daughter have to lie? She was unaware of the issue between you and your wife.

Your marriage is dead. There will be no recovery. I can appreciate that divorce may not be the best option for you at this stage. *That does not mean you cannot carve out a new life for yourself.* What do I mean? Cut her out of your life while under the same roof. Move to another room or move her to another room which ever option will put a smile on your face assuming that has not been already done.

Interactions and conversation. Keep it to the bare minimum with her. Conversation, reason, empathy are all wasted avenues on your wayward wife. Rest assured your suffering is your wife's pleasure. It demonstrates to her she has influence over you. Indifference will be your weapon.

If you are like roommates then treat her like one going forward. If she asks you to do something, a chore or favor decline to do so unless you want to do it for yourself or you get some benefit out of it. The grass needs to be cut and you don't feel like doing it because she says so, then tell her to do it herself or tell her to have Pat come over and do it. Might as well get some mileage out of dear old Pat. Any request for this or that tell your wife to ask Pat to do it. Be like a broken record till it drives her mad or away.

Anniversary, her birthday Valentine's day. Just another day. No gifts. No big deal. Should your wife buy you a gift tell her it is unnecessary roommates aren't obligated to buy gifts or to celebrate these days with you. Family gatherings avoid being near her. Be polite but distant. Any other occasions that do not require your presence decline to go with her. Medical appointments are on the menu too. I wouldn't bother to be at her side I would suggest to her that Pat should take her.

Bottom line *start living for yourself*. Don't destroy yourself for a woman that has proven to be unworthy. Cut her out of your life. Treat her like a stranger. Go out and meet new people.

Indifference is your weapon. Your wife will not stop trying to get a rise out of you. Before you react in anger or turn to drink remember *only she benefits from such a reaction from you*. Your misery is her fuel. Cut off her supply and spare your health as she is not worth it.

At some point she will confront you about this behavior if you choose this course. Offer no explanations to her. Say nothing and shrug your shoulders. When she picks a fight say you have no idea what she is talking about or say nothing and leave the room. The more you disengage the more she will react and attempt to get a reaction from you. Wear her down instead of yourself. Indifference is your weapon. Use it without mercy.


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## Evinrude58

He’s been getting indifference from her for years…..
Past time to do SOMETHING


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## jlg07

Diana7 said:


> It's practically impossible to get a job in your late 60's. Even if you are physically capable of working full time.


She can be a cashier at a grocery store -- there are other physically undemanding jobs, and at least in the U.S., there are Help Wanted signs all over the place.


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## Diana7

Rob_1 said:


> I beg to differ. It might be hard for a lot of people, but "impossible", no ma chérie. I'm a living proof of that. At 65 I got a job as the Manager of a QC Micro lab.


I know people here in the UK who were only in their late 50's and early 60's who tried for years to get work. Applied for countless jobs. These were people with a good resume as well. One was my SIL. For women it seems far harder. Even if you do manage to get a job in your mid to late 60's, you are probably not going to be fit enough to do it for long. Which is why people have usually retired by this age.


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## Diana7

jlg07 said:


> She can be a cashier at a grocery store -- there are other physically undemanding jobs, and at least in the U.S., there are Help Wanted signs all over the place.


Most dont pay enough to live on as a single person.


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## Luckylucky

I’m sorry you’re still protecting her, it’s clear her shame is still yours. How magical it would be if she was left with the scandal. But it’s clear that this has such an effect on your that you’re still worried about what people will think of you. It’s true what they say, victims carry a shame that isn’t theirs. I have a feeling that most of your family know anyway, and know what she’s like, and are probably shaking their heads at you. I suspect many people wouldn’t think too poorly of you if you left her. You’re feeling guilty too, but again, all the guilt should be hers.

I understand victims carrying shame. But not a cheater’s guilt. Since there was, and is No infidelity from your end.


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## Marc878

You’ve got what you’ve got. She’s never going to tell you the truth. She doesn’t care about you or your feelings plus she knows you’re not gonna do anything about it.
You can suffer until hell freezes over. It doesn’t bother her at all.
You are correct. Life isn’t fair it’s how you handle that unfairness.


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## TJW

Marc878 said:


> You can suffer until hell freezes over. It doesn’t bother her at all.


Exactly correct. Cheaters ONLY think of themselves. You don't matter. Only her.
It took me a year and a half to figure this out. She didn't care about me, she didn't care about our kids, she didn't care about our family, she didn't care about the horrific example she became.



Tdbo said:


> Do what you want and let her eat your dust.


The first thing which is going to come out of the bag when you try to divorce her is her "physical condition". Second will be her "advanced age". Because of your unfortunate physical ailment, you can't enjoy sex anyway. There's no point in a divorce. Finding someone else won't do you a bit of good. The only thing a divorce is going to do for you is give her more than half your money and continuing support for as long as she lives.

Keep your money, your comfortable life. Make it highly clear to her that you just don't give a rat's ass what she thinks, what she says, what she does. You go and live YOUR life the best you can, enjoy YOUR things, YOUR quests, YOUR ambitions. Give her enough money that she doesn't starve.



Old_and_Broken said:


> this lying woman is a stranger and not the woman I married


No, sir..... I must respectfully disagree. The lying woman is no stranger, she is EXACTLY the woman you married, and have given your faithfulness to for 48 years, which was undeserved in every millisecond of it. She most likely lied to you beginning at the altar of your marriage, and her lying has continued every day since. You married a liar. You remain married to a liar, It continues even now.



Old_and_Broken said:


> her doctor told her to not engage in sex anymore because thinning tissue in her vagina made it dangerous.


Horse$hit. Just another in a long line of lies.


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## Marc878

Put yourself first. She’s already done that to you. You are hung up on wanting her to ‘get it’.
You are the one that doesn’t ‘get it’. You are meaningless to her. Laying around drinking being her victim isn’t going to get you a damn thing. There is no magic fix or Disney ending. 
Take a nice vacation on your own. Visit family, friends. Do some things you’ve always wanted to do. Just do as you please. Don’t worry about telling or asking her anything. You just go. Live your life.
I would go see an attorney and alter my will. Leave her out of as much as I could.


----------



## Always Learning

Some parts of this thread remind me of Cromer's thread, not sure if anyone remembers. He was in the service and had reached retirement, was in a sexless marriage for about ten years and decided he had enough and was ending it. I think he tried to offer her a fair deal in the settlement.

However during the course of ending the marriage it came out that his wife had at least 3 affairs while he had been on deployments. The last one resulted in an STD so she decided to not have sex anymore to avoid spreading the STD and having to reveal her affair.

The OP may want to read that thread.


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## Beach123

Life is too short to spend one more day with someone who made a mockery and a farce out of your so called marriage.

mid be telling her to get out today! I wouldn’t care where she went. She can have her affair person worry about supporting her financially!


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## Old_and_Broken

(Yes - I've had my 3 drinks for the night.) I'm back but only to assure people I'm not protecting my wife. I'm protecting my grandchildren - I want them to at least grow up and have a hope that love can be real. This may be a fantasy in modern times, but I can hope. Seriously - think about it - I'm almost 70 and incapable of any future sexual relationship - what would I really gain from leaving? I won't take any more s**t from my wife - she lost all rights to tell me what to do. But my grandchildren only have ME as a male role model. Their own mother (my daughter) is divorced from a verbally abusive husband and is now in the middle of a nasty break-up with her subsequent fiance. If I can endure, they may have an example of what love should be (even if not true in our case). Maybe I'm naive, but again I can only hope. I did not cheat, but still made vows I will honor for MY self esteem. I'll be the best I can be. Other than nighttime alcohol to silence my aching heart, daytime life appears normal to others. My health is not suffering and I'm exercising regularly. Just sad thoughts of what should have been. Thanks for letting me vent and I appreciate honest and thought-out responses.


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## uwe.blab

Old_and_Broken said:


> (Yes - I've had my 3 drinks for the night.) I'm back but only to assure people I'm not protecting my wife. I'm protecting my grandchildren - I want them to at least grow up and have a hope that love can be real. This may be a fantasy in modern times, but I can hope. Seriously - think about it - I'm almost 70 and incapable of any future sexual relationship - what would I really gain from leaving? I won't take any more s**t from my wife - she lost all rights to tell me what to do. But my grandchildren only have ME as a male role model. Their own mother (my daughter) is divorced from a verbally abusive husband and is now in the middle of a nasty break-up with her subsequent fiance. If I can endure, they may have an example of what love should be (even if not true in our case). Maybe I'm naive, but again I can only hope. I did not cheat, but still made vows I will honor for MY self esteem. I'll be the best I can be. Other than nighttime alcohol to silence my aching heart, daytime life appears normal to others. My health is not suffering and I'm exercising regularly. Just sad thoughts of what should have been. Thanks for letting me vent and I appreciate honest and thought-out responses.


Do you feel ok in the morning? I am only 50 and I could not drink every night. I just feel awful after, even if I do not drink much.


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## Rob_1

Old_and_Broken said:


> (Yes - I've had my 3 drinks for the night.) I'm back but only to assure people I'm not protecting my wife. I'm protecting my grandchildren


What a load of crap statement that is. You are not protecting anyone, you're just hiding your lack of self respect and dignity in the name of insuring that you get to live "comfy" for the rest of your life.


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## Evinrude58

My dad is just about remarried (widowed twice) at 82.
You say you’re in good health. You could still find a woman to love. But hey, I get it. I don’t know what I’d do in your shoes. I know what I wish I’d do. 
msy you have many happy years, perhaps spent making your wife’s spending habits change drastically along with her lifestyle, if you’re gonna waste your tome staying with her sorry tail.


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## ArthurGPym

marko polo said:


> There are few options except endure. Incorrect. *There are options.*
> 
> Your daughter heard the truth from your wife. *Truth learned in secret, one never intended to see the light of day is the real truth.* Don't doubt what you have learned and suspected. As you have said what reason would your daughter have to lie? She was unaware of the issue between you and your wife.
> 
> Your marriage is dead. There will be no recovery. I can appreciate that divorce may not be the best option for you at this stage. *That does not mean you cannot carve out a new life for yourself.* What do I mean? Cut her out of your life while under the same roof. Move to another room or move her to another room which ever option will put a smile on your face assuming that has not been already done.
> 
> Interactions and conversation. Keep it to the bare minimum with her. Conversation, reason, empathy are all wasted avenues on your wayward wife. Rest assured your suffering is your wife's pleasure. It demonstrates to her she has influence over you. Indifference will be your weapon.
> 
> If you are like roommates then treat her like one going forward. If she asks you to do something, a chore or favor decline to do so unless you want to do it for yourself or you get some benefit out of it. The grass needs to be cut and you don't feel like doing it because she says so, then tell her to do it herself or tell her to have Pat come over and do it. Might as well get some mileage out of dear old Pat. Any request for this or that tell your wife to ask Pat to do it. Be like a broken record till it drives her mad or away.
> 
> Anniversary, her birthday Valentine's day. Just another day. No gifts. No big deal. Should your wife buy you a gift tell her it is unnecessary roommates aren't obligated to buy gifts or to celebrate these days with you. Family gatherings avoid being near her. Be polite but distant. Any other occasions that do not require your presence decline to go with her. Medical appointments are on the menu too. I wouldn't bother to be at her side I would suggest to her that Pat should take her.
> 
> Bottom line *start living for yourself*. Don't destroy yourself for a woman that has proven to be unworthy. Cut her out of your life. Treat her like a stranger. Go out and meet new people.
> 
> Indifference is your weapon. Your wife will not stop trying to get a rise out of you. Before you react in anger or turn to drink remember *only she benefits from such a reaction from you*. Your misery is her fuel. Cut off her supply and spare your health as she is not worth it.
> 
> At some point she will confront you about this behavior if you choose this course. Offer no explanations to her. Say nothing and shrug your shoulders. When she picks a fight say you have no idea what she is talking about or say nothing and leave the room. The more you disengage the more she will react and attempt to get a reaction from you. Wear her down instead of yourself. Indifference is your weapon. Use it without mercy.


This is passive aggressive genius.


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## ArthurGPym

Old_and_Broken said:


> ... I'm not protecting my wife. I'm protecting my grandchildren - I want them to at least grow up and have a hope that love can be real.


... by lying to them about the true nature of your marriage?


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## Openminded

I know a few people like you. They’ve been married 50 years or more and are scared to get out. What they are doing is waiting on the the natural expiration date of their marriage and they hope they’ll be the survivor (and healthy enough to enjoy their life). Good luck.


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## Old_and_Broken

Many thanks to you who have tried to put themselves in my position, tried to understand the complexities of the situation, and offered advice or support. It really helped to feel someone would listen without judging. To those others - why do you attack someone you don't know? For your sake, I hope you never experience what I have been through. Don't forget that this woman may have hurt me deeply, but she is still Mother to my children and we had over 15 years of honest love before the incident started. Yes, I detest what she did - but no, I don't hate her as a flawed person - I hate what she did to me. All of you who think a selfish action of just leaving (VERY GOOD FOR ME in the short run) would benefit the many more people who would be impacted need to think a little deeper! I doubt that I will respond again, but please show a little sympathy and not be so judgemental.


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## lifeistooshort

Evinrude58 said:


> My dad is just about remarried (widowed twice) at 82.
> You say you’re in good health. You could still find a woman to love. But hey, I get it. I don’t know what I’d do in your shoes. I know what I wish I’d do.
> msy you have many happy years, perhaps spent making your wife’s spending habits change drastically along with her lifestyle, if you’re gonna waste your tome staying with her sorry tail.


My ex hb's father remarried at 81 after his (ex's) mother passed away. She'd been a raging alcoholic for decades and he stuck around because he felt that she had nowhere to go. He was probably right.

He passed away last year at 93. He'd told people that last 12 years were the best years of his life. I still talk to his widow....she's 82 now with breast cancer. She loved him amd misses him every day...says I was the only one in his family who was good to her. 

I think he lived as long as he did because he was so happy with wife #2. And I'm pretty sure the relationship wasn't much sexual because the wife told me they both had physical difficulties.

But they were affectionate and loved each other. She took good care of him.

It is absolutely possible.


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## Julie's Husband

Okay, something a little different here. You say you are not able to have orgasm. Is this physical or psychological?

I'm quickly closing in on age 77, had treatment (radiation and hormone therapy) for prostate cancer in 2020. I work with dozens of men who have gone through various treatments. The one thing that most men retain despite other damage is the ability to have orgasm. Not the same, especially if they have lost the ability to have ejaculation, but they have orgasm. I am wondering why you don't. Damn, man, I hope you can recover at least that much pleasure. 

Are you on ADT (hormone therapy)?

I agree about reducing alcohol. For a while I was drinking before going to bed, but found that it limits REM sleep where we have nocturnal erections to keep healthy. Then THC gummies and leaves from the next door neighbor's plants. But when I stopped using those, I found that they were actually causing problems with sleep. I'm in exercise programs for folks who have had a variety of cancers and that seems to be the best help so far.


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## 342693

All I can say is I'm sorry you're going through this. 37 years...wow, nobody deserves that hell. Threads like this are so difficult to read.


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## Old_and_Broken

(In response to Julie's Husband) Physical problem - still have erections but no finish. Was warned about almost guaranteed "retrograde ejaculation" (nothing comes out) from TURP and was aware of other likely side effects. Prostate blocked urine flow so badly that doctor had to run scope through the bladder and view downward to observe upward bulge from prostate! As far as healthy now - I've healed rapidly from rotator cuff surgery in both shoulders, hernia, and TURP. I'm over 69 and still walk several miles every day, do 50+ sit-ups, and a few push-ups. I have adjusted to limit alcohol to typically 2 but no more than 3 drinks at night when the "demons" start playing in my head - not the best solution but the best I have for now. Even with drinking (never a drinker before in my life), my blood tests are very good. As a matter of fact I have a genetic GOOD medical condition known as "Gilbert's Syndrome" - the documented health effect is HALF the normal mortality rate and demonstrated benefits on most major old age issues! So statistically I'll get to live longer... Is this irony or not? And yes I still wonder if I made the correct choice, but there are far too many real-world interactions to make a rash, irreversible decision.


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## Jimi007

Have ever reached out to or confronted your old business partner ? Her EA partner ?


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## BigDaddyNY

Jimi007 said:


> Have ever reached out to or confronted your old business partner ? Her EA partner ?


Judging by the way the wife was reminiscing about him I believe he is dead.


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## Old_and_Broken

Very astute BigDaddy. This is another sideline to the story but not my main issue with my wife. Yes he is dead - suicide on Halloween night a few years ago! Wanted them but never had children through 3 marriages and divorces during the time he was in contact with my wife! Karma is a b***ch! Doesn't help me feel better but he reaped what he sowed. (And yes, I believe my wife's ongoing behavior contributed to his unhappy life and suicide.) So obviously no way to get any satisfaction by confronting him!


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## TAMAT

OB,

I understand.

It's not that uncommon for a WW to stop having sex, or stop having good sex because of their Romantic Plan A OM. They accept the tradeoff for a plan A husband and father and provider. Unfortunately they just never tell us.

I don't know how WW can compensate for years of no or a degraded sex life or the lies about why they can't have sex with you. They say they are going to go to the doctors to figure out what is wrong, but usually nothing ever happens because they know there is nothing wrong they can orgasm by themselves and oddly they don't want to lie to the doctor.

Sex was never the same with my W after her affair with OM1 and that was 30+ years ago.

Eventually about 20 years later her natural cycle ended, once a month, but she had no real romantic desire for me to carry her forward so our sex life ended too.

So while your WW stayed in contact with OM many other WWs also stay mentally and romantically in contact with OMs. I don't know if that helps but at least you know you are not alone in this.

Is your WW going to write out a timeline and take a polygraph, DNA / STD testing?

Does your WW still have keepsakes or letters from OM?


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## Beach123

If you don’t plan to leave the marriage then start setting up your life separately from hers.

go out without her. See friends. Plan vacations on your own etc.
She created this —-> you can grow your life bigger without including her in every part of your life.

just begin by doing things that make you happy. Meet friends that make you happy. If friends ask - don’t hold back - be honest about why you are building a happy life with other people moving forward… since she didn’t honor you and the marriage.


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## Old_and_Broken

(Please note that we are both almost 70 years old before making comments such as DNA and polygraphs.) I found this posted online and it summarizes my feelings: "This is what keeps me in my current relationship. Yes I love her despite everything and that’s part of it, but when I start to have doubts about my decision to stay, I remember I wouldn’t be able to trust someone new any better than I may eventually be able to learn to trust her again. I’ll never again have that feeling of fairytale/soulmate type romance as I did in the beginning. I’ve always been pragmatic when it came to love even before this and viewed it as a choice and a commitment beyond the initial feelings of attraction and lust, but learning that I was committed to loving a woman through the highs and lows and she couldn’t do the same to me has completely shattered my optimistic outlook on relationships. I now look at 'happy couples' getting engaged and married and announcing pregnancies and think 'I wonder which one of them is going to cheat.' Cheaters don’t realize or don’t care about the implications in the moment. They may think yeah they’ll be mad if they find out, they’ll leave if they find out, but they don’t realize it can ruin our whole outlook on life. I didn’t even realize just how deeply this wound can cut until it happened to me. It’s permeated more than just my marriage but my entire psyche." So ... I'm just living day-by-day and being the best person _I_ can be while being true to MY values.


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## TexasMom1216

So it sounds like you guys are just roommates, so treat her like a roommate. Do your own thing and run into her occasionally on your way in or out. Start living as though you weren't married. Because you're really not.


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## Beach123

And your wife did this to you - created this outlook you have now.
To stay knowing full well who she really is… I hope you don’t help her cover this all up.
What family members have you told?
To love someone is one thing - to overlook a lifetime of betrayal is on another level.


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## BigDaddyNY

Beach123 said:


> And your wife did this to you - created this outlook you have now.
> To stay knowing full well who she really is… I hope you don’t help her cover this all up.
> What family members have you told?
> To love someone is one thing - to overlook a lifetime of betrayal is on another level.


There will be no consequences for her, he has already said so. He wants to keep up the false impression that his marriage is a story book example of how it should be for the sake of his grandchildren. Although I understand his reasoning, I'm not so sure I agree with it.


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## Evinrude58

She will get to live her fairy tale: she had an affair partner (no way this was simply emotional) up until the day if his death for 37 years. At any time she could have released the OP and gave him the opportunity to have love with another woman. She literally stile his life from him. Only because she wanted a loyal man who made good money and provided, and an AP to get her rocks off with.
She’s a horrible person and there is no way possible to see it any other way. There’s no way that even the OP who wants so badly to figure out a way to get his mind to accept it, will ever be able to reconcile this travesty in his mind. He can’t even bring himself to tell anyone. 
I advise building another life without her also, and believe he would be better off forgetting this love he has for “her”. That live exists only in his imagination, because the object of that love isn’t a real person. He can’t possibly love a person who has done such an evil thing to him.
This whole story is extremely saddening.
OP, your life is not over unless you let it be.
I hope you can find a way to get out and meet someone that will truly love you and you eventually leave your “wife”. You do not owe her your loyalty at this point.


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## BoSlander

@Old_and_Broken It’s never too late to start a new life. I’m a firm believer that there is always someone out there for each and every one of us. The only thing keeping us from living a more fulfilling life is fear. Fear of the unknown.

Move on, let go of the past and embrace the future.

Seek simplicity and clarity of mind.


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## masterofmasters

holy hell! this woman is vile! i'm actually glad that her lover is gone. i really hope you're treating her like a roommate. if you don't have to even look at her, don't. she doesn't deserve you or any of your attention.


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## Old_and_Broken

Thank you for words of support even though you don't agree with my decision. I don't believe she was intentionally evil but now believe she is a narcissist and cannot accept any wrong on her part. I accepted that for many years but my fairy tale love blinded me to it. Everything about this sounds like a story - only it's my nightmare. I am reminded of a quote: "there but for the grace of God go I". I'm not that religious but live and believe in a moral life. _I_ was blessed with a healthy life, intelligence and success (comfortably retired financially). I was cursed with this situation. But she is now disabled and seems to be failing mentally. My morality doesn't allow me to abandon her - I wouldn't abandon a stranger. I am suffering mentally but many others are sheltered from the cruel realities. I don't want to be a martyr, but it seems that's the hand I am given at my age - leaving wouldn't change the past but would hurt other's future. I know i am depressed and sometimes wish that I had died when I was ill with leukemia at 50 (truth - rare Hairy Cell Leukemia) - I would never have experienced this betrayal of what I had held dear. (Sorry I'm rambling, but I'm a bit drunk. Even that doesn't fully stop the nighttime pain.) As was said in the movie "The Green Mile": "I will have wished for death long before Death finds me. In truth, I wish for it already." Thank you all - at least I have an outlet to vent my ongoing anger. I have no one to talk to and don't think counseling could really help.


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## Dictum Veritas

Old_and_Broken said:


> Thank you for words of support even though you don't agree with my decision. I don't believe she was intentionally evil but now believe she is a narcissist and cannot accept any wrong on her part. I accepted that for many years but my fairy tale love blinded me to it. Everything about this sounds like a story - only it's my nightmare. I am reminded of a quote: "there but for the grace of God go I". I'm not that religious but live and believe in a moral life. _I_ was blessed with a healthy life, intelligence and success (comfortably retired financially). I was cursed with this situation. But she is now disabled and seems to be failing mentally. My morality doesn't allow me to abandon her - I wouldn't abandon a stranger. I am suffering mentally but many others are sheltered from the cruel realities. I don't want to be a martyr, but it seems that's the hand I am given at my age - leaving wouldn't change the past but would hurt other's future. I know i am depressed and sometimes wish that I had died when I was ill with leukemia at 50 (truth - rare Hairy Cell Leukemia) - I would never have experienced this betrayal of what I had held dear. (Sorry I'm rambling, but I'm a bit drunk. Even that doesn't fully stop the nighttime pain.) As was said in the movie "The Green Mile": "I will have wished for death long before Death finds me. In truth, I wish for it already." Thank you all - at least I have an outlet to vent my ongoing anger. I have no one to talk to and don't think counseling could really help.


I've heard you. Your pain is palpable. 

May every adulterous spouse or those who think of committing adultery learn from this, the destruction and pain they leave in their wake is Earth Shattering and no-one who finds the truth will respect them.

You are concealing her scarlet A and you are creaking under the weight of it, that is your choice and it may prove to be your undoing since the burden may be too much to bear.

But, alas, know that you have been heard.


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## Kamstel2

How are you doing these days? 
Hope you are doing better


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## BoSlander

15 years without sex? She was definitely getting it somewhere else.


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## Old_and_Broken

{See my Sept 7 post - sums up life for me and I can only hope things will change.} I don't discuss the subject with my wife because I can't take any more lies and I wouldn't truly believe anything she says. The history of what happened unpeeled like layers of an onion with a generous coating of lies around each layer. I'm stable but doubt I'll ever be good or truly happy. By day I'm the best "me" I know how to be - for MY sake. I can limit my nighttime alcohol to 2-3 50ml shots (mini-bottles) - it gets me to sleep without problems in the morning. I will update the post if any changes, but unlikely.


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## gameopoly5

Old_and_Broken said:


> Thanks to all of you who have sincerely thought about my situation and tried to offer condolences or suggestions. I would have more and better options if this had been revealed 20 or even 10 years ago - but it wasn't. Life is not FAIR and is much more complicated than any simple answer. I have spent months struggling with this situation. I realize that divorce would not heal my pain and would make me look like the bad guy to the family and the public even though I am faultless. I have tried further to get answers and/or counseling, but it hurts worse to have her continue to lie further to cover her past lies even after she again assured me she will never lie to me again! My lying wife is 69, like me, and has a physical handicap - how could you abandon someone you loved for almost 50 years no matter how she hurt you? So she'll get away with it and I'll quietly suffer unless I magically forget (unlikely). Our children are middle aged and I also have grandchildren to consider. I don't want them to get a bad impression of life and love by destroying their impression that their grandparents had such a good marriage. Most of all, I have MY self-respect to protect. I will continue to be the best "me" I can and not be vindictive since it wouldn't help anyone. (Of course I would get short-term satisfaction from lashing out, but long-term this would cause more problems.) Any disclosure will harm everyone except me and the disclosure won't really help me mentally. I will likely self-medicate with alcohol for the rest of my life - but I have learned to limit it to just enough to get to sleep -2 (at most 3) shots at bedtime. Again, thank you for your comments. Signing off. "As Good as it Gets"


The best revenge against those who do us harm or put us down, is success.
You`re both elderly now and not in good health.
Regardless if you were not her first choice, after 48 years she is still with you.
It would be insane to flush 48 years down the toilet at your age and now your wife is 69 years old she`s not going to leave and have an affair at anytime soon.
Put your self interests first, especially your physical and mental health.
Pack up the drinking lark, eat healthy and exercise regularly.
Enjoy your children and grandchildren, as my grandparents used to enjoy me when I was a kid. Take the grandchildren out on occasions and enjoy the world through the kids eyes.
Get involved with social or hobby groups, keep active so as you are not having to think too much and get depressed about things. This is what I mean about success.
We cannot turn back the clock, we all have to accept that, but In-fact maybe you don`t realise it, you still have a lot going for you if willing to make the most of what you have as I have explained.
We all have to make our own happiness, it won`t come knocking at our door, and as my granddad used to say; don`t let the bastards grind you down.
Think about it.


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## Young at Heart

TexasMom1216 said:


> So it sounds like you guys are just roommates, so treat her like a roommate. Do your own thing and run into her occasionally on your way in or out. Start living as though you weren't married. Because you're really not.


I too am in my 70's and was in a sex starved marriage. Even room mates can be deeply close friends. Sometimes they can even be friends with occasional benefits. It is very hard to seriously consider leaving someone who you have shared so much for many many decades.

What I decided was to live my own life and work toward healing myself. Then I decided that my marriage would either get fixed or I would end it. Luckily, my wife and I were helped by a great sex therapist and some very good marriage counselors and have worked through that phase of our relationship.

We now focus on the present and the future. We also remember the past that was pleasant. There is no need to dwell on the rough patches.


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## TAMAT

Perhaps you should ask your WW how she feels about her part in OMs failed marriages since she was the OW during all that time. 

I'm not saying she should have sympathy for OM, but she should for the BWs who married OM with the feeling of being his true love. 

I would guess however that she does have sympathy and admiration for OM still to this day, I know my WW has never said anything to the discredit of OM1.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy

OP your wife has done the ****tiest thing a wife could do. I'm so sorry this has happened to you and at your age you should be enjoying your retirement, but due to your wife's past and lies she has turned your life upside down. If a divorce isn't an option for you, how about going away without your wife. Go travelling, go visit countries you've always wanted to go to. You can also book with other people who go alone and make new friends while on holiday. I wouldn't even let your wife know. Pack your stuff and go away for a few weeks or even better months. Send your wife a postcard from every destination haha. 

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## ArthurGPym

OP... find yourself a girlfriend. I don't advocate cheating, but in your case I think I might make and exception here.


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## Evinrude58

ArthurGPym said:


> OP... find yourself a girlfriend. I don't advocate cheating, but in your case I think I might make and exception here.


He can’t cheat on her. They haven’t had a real relationship for 37 years.


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## ArthurGPym

Good point.


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## Evinrude58

FYI, I think you’re right, he should start acting like a single man and get a discreet gf. I realize the sex may be a thing of the past, but my dad is 81 and is really happy to have met a woman he enjoys spending time with. Wedding Nov 5th.
OP, you’re still alive and still able to attract a good woman. Get yourself one.


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## ArthurGPym

Evinrude58 said:


> FYI, I think you’re right, he should start acting like a single man and get a discreet gf. I realize the sex may be a thing of the past, but my dad is 81 and is really happy to have met a woman he enjoys spending time with. Wedding Nov 5th.
> OP, you’re still alive and still able to attract a good woman. Get yourself one.


The marriage contract was broken by her over three decades ago. He owes her no fealty or fidelity.

And don't discount age. I walked in on my granddad laying into my grandma once when I was kid, and they were both well into their late 70s. (I'll never get that out of my head) And this was before Viagra.


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## ArthurGPym

It is never too late:

99-year-old Italian man divorces his 96-year-old wife after finding her secret love letters from the 1940s


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## Old_and_Broken

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I don't see how I can continue ... drinking more and more. It's 4AM and I'm drunk again and can't shake the thoughts of wanting the pain of lifelong betrayal to be over. Can't sleep. "Wife" is in happy denial (_I_ need to get over it). There is no reason to continue - it won't get better and pretending is overwelmimg. It's been 2 years. Nothing is pleasurable. I really wish I could end it without hurting my grandchildren. They are my only reason for continuing. What did I do to deserve this? Life sucks!!!


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## Gregory Chaucery

Old_and_Broken said:


> Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I don't see how I can continue ... drinking more and more. It's 4AM and I'm drunk again and can't shake the thoughts of wanting the pain of lifelong betrayal to be over. Can't sleep. "Wife" is in happy denial (_I_ need to get over it). There is no reason to continue - it won't get better and pretending is overwelmimg. It's been 2 years. Nothing is pleasurable. I really wish I could end it without hurting my grandchildren. They are my only reason for continuing. What did I do to deserve this? Life sucks!!!


Find enjoyable activities to throw yourself into and be oblivious to her.


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## Livvie

Old_and_Broken said:


> Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I don't see how I can continue ... drinking more and more. It's 4AM and I'm drunk again and can't shake the thoughts of wanting the pain of lifelong betrayal to be over. Can't sleep. "Wife" is in happy denial (_I_ need to get over it). There is no reason to continue - it won't get better and pretending is overwelmimg. It's been 2 years. Nothing is pleasurable. I really wish I could end it without hurting my grandchildren. They are my only reason for continuing. What did I do to deserve this? Life sucks!!!


Your grandchildren will get over it if you get divorced. I've heard people say "I'm staying married for the children" but staying married for the grandchildren is truly a step too far. 

You are miserable. Get divorced and get unmiserable, build a new life without your ex. Your grandchildren will be fine.


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## Gregory Chaucery

Livvie said:


> Your grandchildren will get over it if you get divorced. I've heard people say "I'm staying married for the children" but staying married for the grandchildren is truly a step too far.
> 
> You are miserable. Get divorced and get unmiserable, build a new life without your ex. Your grandchildren will be fine.


I can tell you that my grandfather and grandmother divorced before I was born and it was a normal thing. No grandchild was traumatized because of it.


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## gr8ful1

Tell the family you discovered a 37 year betrayal. How could anyone NOT understand your desire to be rid of this woman and find another who will both love & respect you?


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## BigDaddyNY

Old_and_Broken said:


> Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I don't see how I can continue ... drinking more and more. It's 4AM and I'm drunk again and can't shake the thoughts of wanting the pain of lifelong betrayal to be over. Can't sleep. "Wife" is in happy denial (_I_ need to get over it). There is no reason to continue - it won't get better and pretending is overwelmimg. It's been 2 years. Nothing is pleasurable. I really wish I could end it without hurting my grandchildren. They are my only reason for continuing. What did I do to deserve this? Life sucks!!!


Her telling you to get over it is just salt in the wound. Hold your head high while you sign the divorce papers.


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## Evinrude58

There is no way in hell to get over a 37 year double life. Thing is, if the rotten contractor really loved her, he’d have had her divorce the OP and married her himself, but OP’s rotten “wife” never even understood that. Or likes the OP’s money and lifestyle enough that she couldn’t part with it. 
OP should stop making excuses and divorce her. Hell, it’s not like he could be more unhappy!


----------



## SunCMars

Evinrude58 said:


> FYI, I think you’re right, he should start acting like a single man and get a discreet gf. I realize the sex may be a thing of the past, but my dad is 81 and is really happy to have met a woman he enjoys spending time with. Wedding Nov 5th.
> OP, you’re still alive and still able to attract a good woman. Get yourself one.


Oh, to have this sort of mindset!
And, to do it successfully.

Why would you do this?
This, getting a mistress?

For revenge?
To punish her by rubbing the same cheating poop in her face?

For your own mental well being, that healing?

I believe that most (men and woman) are not wired this way, though OP's WW, certainly was!

I suppose if you could not *afford to get a divorce, this might be the next best option.


*Really cannot afford to, or not willing to take that financial hit.


----------



## Evinrude58

SunCMars said:


> Oh, to have this sort of mindset!
> And, to do it successfully.
> 
> Why would you do this?
> This, getting a mistress?
> 
> For revenge?
> To punish her by rubbing the same cheating poop in her face?
> 
> For your own mental well being, that healing?
> 
> I believe that most (men and woman) are not wired this way, though OP's WW, certainly was!
> 
> I suppose if you could not *afford to get a divorce, this might be the next best option.
> 
> 
> *Really cannot afford to, or not willing to take that financial hit.


Well the alternative is to reward her. With cash abd prizes in divorce. And after a 37 year long back stabbing—- yeah I’d want revenge. But I wouldn’t do what I suggested as a punishment, I wouldn’t rub it in her face—- I’d just go on with my life as if she didn’t exist, which is exactly how I’d really feel.
OP feels he’s ducked and won’t find another woman to love and will be left in a house alone. 
So yeah, he needs a monkey branch. I’d say in this case he’s earned one.

But I do agree you’re right, I’m just suggesting a little pragmatism for the OP.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

SunCMars said:


> Oh, to have this sort of mindset!
> And, to do it successfully.
> 
> Why would you do this?
> This, getting a mistress?
> 
> For revenge?
> To punish her by rubbing the same cheating poop in her face?
> 
> For your own mental well being, that healing?
> 
> I believe that most (men and woman) are not wired this way, though OP's WW, certainly was!
> 
> I suppose if you could not *afford to get a divorce, this might be the next best option.
> 
> 
> *Really cannot afford to, or not willing to take that financial hit.


The only place OP is still married, is in the eyes of the law. For all practical and moral concerns he had been divorced for many years already.

The legal marriage is simply a legal entity, a registered business. Even that business is bankrupt and exists as a dormant (PTY) Ltd. only.

Nah, I'd say the moment anyone becomes the victim of an adulterous spouse, the vows are broken and the marriage voided. If they don't want to be forced to share all their toys down the middle and pay the betrayer for the privilege, keep the defunct (PTY) Ltd. but open trade on the side as a sole proprietor as long as the new trading partners knows all the facts.

Once the vows are broken, it's open season all around and only the adulterous (by breaking the original vows) carries blame.

Since I consider adultery as a de-facto act of divorce, there is no such thing as a revenge affair or any vows for the betrayed to be bound to. The vows are already broken and by breaking them, the adulterous releases the betrayed from the vows and any moral obligations therein contained.


----------



## Marc878

Gregory Chaucery said:


> Find enjoyable activities to throw yourself into and be oblivious to her.


Destroying yourself is not going to get you a thing. She doesn’t care.
Live what’s left of your life for yourself. Take a page from her long history and make her a non entity.


----------



## SunCMars

Marc878 said:


> ....make her a non entity.


Giving that non-empathy.
............................................................................
It is said that cold blooded revenge is the best.

Nope, that arrives after your death....

Revenge at 98.6 F, yes.


----------



## BoSlander

The cold bloodedness with which these cheating animals act is really something. In the Italian village I used to spend my summers in there was a story about a store owner (wife) hooking up with another man and eloping, leaving the husband and the kids (who were 10 & 12 at the time) behind. Official story was that she was depressed due to years of physical and emotional abuse. That was back in 1991. 

In 2022, I came to know, from a family member of hers, that she was never neither depressed nor abused (physically or emotionally,) and that her eloping with the OM was only an affair. She rewrote the marriage and, in the process, destroyed her life and her husband's life. After she left, the husband fell into a deep depression and eventually died in the early 2000s. She never attended the funeral. 

These are the small tragedies that these animals subject their SOs to... carelessly playing with human emotions as if they were a deck of cards.


----------



## Old_and_Broken

Drunk again at 3AM. She asked me if I'm still drinking myself to sleep and I answered (untruthfully): yes, but only 2 or 3 drinks(?)! Her response was simply - watch it and don't let it get worse!? Comp[lete denial of any responsibility! I want this to end and I don't care how. How can a lifetime of loving (on my part) turn into such a nightmare? Every time she says "I wouldn't do anything to hurt you" I WANT TO SCREAM! 6-year old grandson is getting old enough ... I know I will eventually leave unless one of us dies first. If it's her, I'll flush her ashes down the toilet.


----------



## BeyondRepair007

Old_and_Broken said:


> I know I will eventually leave unless one of us dies first. If it's her, I'll flush her ashes down the toilet


Don’t delay leaving any longer. Every day you spend with her is like a knife to your heart. It’s time to get away from that knife.

Your life will still be hard, the wounds take time to heal. But at least you can stop the damage you’re doing to yourself by staying around her.

Get on the healing path and off the destructive one NOW.

Edit:
I’m late to this thread but want to express sincere condolences for the loss of the wife you thought you had. What you are living is a terrible thing that no one should have to endure. Best of luck to you sir for being able to recover well from this.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Old_and_Broken said:


> Drunk again at 3AM. She asked me if I'm still drinking myself to sleep and I answered (untruthfully): yes, but only 2 or 3 drinks(?)! Her response was simply - watch it and don't let it get worse!? Comp[lete denial of any responsibility! I want this to end and I don't care how. How can a lifetime of loving (on my part) turn into such a nightmare? Every time she says "I wouldn't do anything to hurt you" I WANT TO SCREAM! 6-year old grandson is getting old enough ... I know I will eventually leave unless one of us dies first. If it's her, I'll flush her ashes down the toilet.


Stop being a coward and hiding in a bottle. This, doing it for the grandkids thing is total BS. What are you trying to show them? How Grandpa can be an alcoholic?


----------



## Rob_1

Old_and_Broken said:


> Drunk again at 3AM.


So, in the the end, that was your response, becoming a drunk?

Now I can see why your wife somewhere along the line stop respecting you as a man, and transferred her feelings, her love, to another man.


----------



## Lostinthought61

can i ask why you are still respective to her, and when she says things like i would never hurt you, just let her have it and tell her she already did that for a life time and she can go to hell....i would make it a point every morning for the rest of her life that she is nothing but a ***** and a ****....


----------



## ArthurGPym

You are the only one keeping you in this pain.


----------



## TAMAT

Sorry about the rough treatment from some posters, although they mean well.

I don’t see how you can recover when your WW is still lying, minimizing and omitting, and she thinks you have the problem.

Have you at least threatened divorce to jog her memory.

You know deep down that WW had sex with this long term OM at least once.

You might be able to get some closure by speaking with the ex wives of OM, they may know more about this affair than your WW is willing to tell.


----------



## Evinrude58

If your life has devolved into drinking yourself to sleep every night, exactly what do you possibly have to lose by **** canning her like you should’ve already done? You can’t really have a worse life. Give her half your **** and take the other half and invest it in building new and more happy memories. Spending your life making yourself miserable? This is what you think you deserve after going through 37 years of a cheating spouse?

kick her to the curb and find yourself a poor, ugly, simple woman who would treasure you. You’d be wayyyyyybetter off than what you’re doing to yourself.

your crappy wife is not the only woman on the planet. She’s just the only one that’s treated you like trash and you keep giving her opportunity to continue to shovel it. At this point, the biggest problem in your life is found in the bathroom when you’re brushing your teeth.


----------



## bygone

please stop hurting yourself with ridiculous excuses and go to a lawyer

tell people around you why you broke up and get divorced

explain the situation to your children and ask for a dna test

your age does not change your character

you have been deceived and what you need to do is coded in you

your wife has started to say that you are someone in the neighborhood with an alcohol problem


----------



## Slow Hand

Please, stop drinking, stay far away from alcohol as it’s doing you no favors. Make this your first priority!


----------



## ABHale

You need to talk with your family, they are the only ones that can help with your demons.


----------



## jlg07

Old_and_Broken said:


> Every time she says "I wouldn't do anything to hurt you" I WANT TO SCREAM!


Why DON'T you? Yell at her. TELL her the hell she is putting you through for own selfishness and lack of morals. TELL her she isn't a good person. Why don't you? What is holding you back from doing that? Tell all of your family what she did if you haven't. YOU are getting the hell and SHE is getting the easy life that YOU have provided for her. WHY?


----------



## Taxman

OP, I have had several senior divorces over the past several years. One in particular, she controlled the intimacy for the past twenty odd years. When she was deep in her affair, she cut her BH off. When she felt like it, she would dole out pity sex. When she was confronted with the long term affair, she began to offer her BH sex again. She was fairly blindsided with his response. Nope. Not ever going to be interested in you again. The divorce went smoothly. Her AP of many years, decided that he would be much better off without an old albatross around his neck. She did not react favorably. She thought that once the marriage ended, AP would be there. He said that he was not interested in an old broad. She was OK in the sack, but why start paying for it now? She got it from both sides. Her ex wanted nothing to do with her, and AP did not want to get stuck with her. AND SHE HAD NOBODY TO COMPLAIN TO. She dug her own grave. Long term affairs, strictly physical. She deluded herself thinking that she was his lover when in reality she was nothing more than his side piece. She had this screaming and crying confession to her BH, who said, well, who cares? Your problem. Why would this have anything to do with me? She did not know how to react. What was worse, is that she thought that if she pushed her theory that she was used for sex then discarded, that would have some effect on her BH. It most certainly did. He laughed. He thought it hilarious. She threw away over 40 years for NOTHING. He crapped himself laughing at her. And then told her that he was getting serious with a woman he had met since the split. Double whammy. Took her a good year in therapy to accept that she had basically ruined her own life and her marriage definitely. Now in her late 60's the dating scene is littered with men looking for a nurse or a purse, or worse young guys looking for the granny experience. Neither are real attractive.


----------



## sleeping_sandman

Old_and_Broken said:


> Drunk again at 3AM. She asked me if I'm still drinking myself to sleep and I answered (untruthfully): yes, but only 2 or 3 drinks(?)! Her response was simply - watch it and don't let it get worse!? Comp[lete denial of any responsibility! I want this to end and I don't care how. How can a lifetime of loving (on my part) turn into such a nightmare? Every time she says "I wouldn't do anything to hurt you" I WANT TO SCREAM! 6-year old grandson is getting old enough ... I know I will eventually leave unless one of us dies first. If it's her, I'll flush her ashes down the toilet.


Tell your daughter, she deserves to know the whole truth. It will hurt, but you yourself experience right now what it means to only know parts and pieces. Your drinking will eventually bei found Out by her. If she knows upfront she can handle it, maybe eben help. DON'T TRY ALONE. You can't.
Let your wife know in no uncertain Terms hat she did to you. 
She ist Not denying her guilt. 
She Lied for so Long, she believes her lie herself by now.
Snapping her out of it will only work with a shock. If the shock of you leaving is enough, I can not say nor can you. Simply because you do Not know If there is any Love for you left in her. And with this you are a wallking ATM and nurse to her. 
It will kill you. Emotionally and maybe physically. You are already contemplating, you Said so yourself. Ask for help. 
Your worldview is damaging to yourself. You are learned that a man has to man up, to be provider and protector, No Matter what. 
You never learned to know what to do If YOU need help. Your whole upbringing told you that your wife and partner will do that. You live and breath this. I know. I do the Same, just 16 years younger than you.
It' s the old way. 
But one thing we never learned. What If the cause of OUR need for help ist the one person that should help us in the first place. 
So Go to the next best Thing. Your daughter. She is a strong one. Let her take the lead. She will. 
Or ask a professional counsellor. It is against all we learned, I know but it helped me. 
Ok, granted itnwas my Loving, doting wife who pulled me there, but in any Case, after opening my patriarchial shield and start talking I found clarity. 
You can survive this, but Not ALONE and not as long as you Let the poison your wife ist to you trickle into you continueisly.
Hope it helps.


----------



## Old_and_Broken

Many of you understand my decision and others think I’m being stupid, but I’ve come across similar stories. One of these has allowed me to understand a little better why I endure this “no good solution” situation as follows:

I KNOW who I am. I know that my decisions are based on values that I hold sacred. While the entire world goes crazy, doesn’t remain faithful, does stupid stuff, I will hold onto MY INTEGRITY, my honesty and my ethics. I will NOT lose those, no matter what other people do — including my own wife. Abandoning her would betray MY VALUES and would emotionally harm others in the family - even though she deserves to be left alone.

Knowing who YOU are is so vitally important. I realized that what she does or did wasn’t my choice, and I didn’t have any say in it. Thus, even though I’m still angry, I will not and won’t feel any shame for her actions and behaviors. Those are hers and hers alone.

As her husband and best friend, I will be here for her. I will love her. And I hope to forgive her one day. I will likely never trust her again and our marriage may or may not be reconciled. But I will stay. After nearly 50 years of marriage, two children and four grandchildren, she deserves that. Even though I didn’t deserve what she did to me.

Your morals, your character and your values are what YOU have. Those are things that you have direct control over. You do NOT have direct control over other people and their behaviors. So, hang on to what YOU have rather than worrying about what others have or don’t have.

I’m not overly religious, but a quote from Billy Graham: “The greatest legacy one can pass on to one’s children and grandchildren is not money or other material things accumulated in one’s life, but rather a legacy of character and faith.”

I still struggle to accept what she has done. Again, from Billy Graham: Leave the questions of your spouse to them for now until they’re ready to open up to you. Let them. Don’t take it personally. Don’t get upset. Don’t get angry. Forgive them. Not for them, but for you. Bitterness will kill you. I’m trying to accept this as true…


----------



## jlg07

Old_and_Broken said:


> As her husband and best friend, I will be here for her. I will love her. And I hope to forgive her one day. I will likely never trust her again and our marriage may or may not be reconciled. But I will stay. After nearly 50 years of marriage, two children and four grandchildren, she deserves that.


You may think she is your best friend, but would a best friend do that to you? You are still stuck with some sort of false image of who she really is. You didn't have 50 years of true marriage -- you had maybe 10.
The fact that you won't trust her again and your marriage won't be reconciled -- what does that MEAN to her if you are going to stay anyway.
There is NO change, no repercussions for her -- just you suffering in silence and being a martyr.

I DO understand about your values and beliefs, but do your values REALLY mean stay at ALL COSTS no matter what she does? If so, you may want to examine your values for how you REALLY want to live.

I get it that you don't want to get divorced after all this time -- but I really think you need to live YOUR OWN life and forget about anything to do with her. Let her be a very distant roomate and have MINIMAL efforts with her. Don't protect her from your family knowing what she did -- she really SHOULD feel the wrath of those she's harmed.


----------



## SunCMars

Taxman said:


> OP, I have had several senior divorces over the past several years. One in particular, she controlled the intimacy for the past twenty odd years. When she was deep in her affair, she cut her BH off. When she felt like it, she would dole out pity sex. When she was confronted with the long term affair, she began to offer her BH sex again. She was fairly blindsided with his response. Nope. Not ever going to be interested in you again. The divorce went smoothly. Her AP of many years, decided that he would be much better off without an old albatross around his neck. She did not react favorably. She thought that once the marriage ended, AP would be there. He said that he was not interested in an old broad. She was OK in the sack, but why start paying for it now? She got it from both sides. Her ex wanted nothing to do with her, and AP did not want to get stuck with her. AND SHE HAD NOBODY TO COMPLAIN TO. She dug her own grave. Long term affairs, strictly physical. She deluded herself thinking that she was his lover when in reality she was nothing more than his side piece. She had this screaming and crying confession to her BH, who said, well, who cares? Your problem. Why would this have anything to do with me? She did not know how to react. What was worse, is that she thought that if she pushed her theory that she was used for sex then discarded, that would have some effect on her BH. It most certainly did. He laughed. He thought it hilarious. She threw away over 40 years for NOTHING. He crapped himself laughing at her. And then told her that he was getting serious with a woman he had met since the split. Double whammy. Took her a good year in therapy to accept that she had basically ruined her own life and her marriage definitely. Now in her late 60's the dating scene is littered with men looking for a nurse or a purse, or worse young guys looking for the granny experience. Neither are real attractive.


Just for poops and giggles, I checked all the likes you got.

Not a lady liked this post.
No surprise there! 

Men can be so damn hard and revengeful.


----------



## Mr.Married

Old_and_Broken said:


> Many of you understand my decision and others think I’m being stupid, but I’ve come across similar stories. One of these has allowed me to understand a little better why I endure this “no good solution” situation as follows:
> 
> I KNOW who I am. I know that my decisions are based on values that I hold sacred. While the entire world goes crazy, doesn’t remain faithful, does stupid stuff, I will hold onto MY INTEGRITY, my honesty and my ethics. I will NOT lose those, no matter what other people do — including my own wife. Abandoning her would betray MY VALUES and would emotionally harm others in the family - even though she deserves to be left alone.
> 
> Knowing who YOU are is so vitally important. I realized that what she does or did wasn’t my choice, and I didn’t have any say in it. Thus, even though I’m still angry, I will not and won’t feel any shame for her actions and behaviors. Those are hers and hers alone.
> 
> As her husband and best friend, I will be here for her. I will love her. And I hope to forgive her one day. I will likely never trust her again and our marriage may or may not be reconciled. But I will stay. After nearly 50 years of marriage, two children and four grandchildren, she deserves that. Even though I didn’t deserve what she did to me.
> 
> Your morals, your character and your values are what YOU have. Those are things that you have direct control over. You do NOT have direct control over other people and their behaviors. So, hang on to what YOU have rather than worrying about what others have or don’t have.
> 
> I’m not overly religious, but a quote from Billy Graham: “The greatest legacy one can pass on to one’s children and grandchildren is not money or other material things accumulated in one’s life, but rather a legacy of character and faith.”
> 
> I still struggle to accept what she has done. Again, from Billy Graham: Leave the questions of your spouse to them for now until they’re ready to open up to you. Let them. Don’t take it personally. Don’t get upset. Don’t get angry. Forgive them. Not for them, but for you. Bitterness will kill you. I’m trying to accept this as true…


Some people can eat a chit sandwich and some people can’t. Fear makes it taste better but self respect makes it uneatable. In your case it would seem that you shouldn’t forget to brush your teeth.

“She is your best friend and she deserves the married life “. …..yeah you better use A LOT of toothpaste


----------



## Mr.Married

SunCMars said:


> Just for poops and giggles, I checked all the likes you got.
> 
> Not a lady liked this post.
> No surprise there!
> 
> Men can be so damn hard and revengeful.


To a biatch that goes off the rails ….. what’s the problem with a little vengeance? Did you seriously think he should take her back ?


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Old_and_Broken said:


> Many of you understand my decision and others think I’m being stupid, but I’ve come across similar stories. One of these has allowed me to understand a little better why I endure this “no good solution” situation as follows:
> 
> I KNOW who I am. I know that my decisions are based on values that I hold sacred. While the entire world goes crazy, doesn’t remain faithful, does stupid stuff, I will hold onto MY INTEGRITY, my honesty and my ethics. I will NOT lose those, no matter what other people do — including my own wife. Abandoning her would betray MY VALUES and would emotionally harm others in the family - even though she deserves to be left alone.
> 
> Knowing who YOU are is so vitally important. I realized that what she does or did wasn’t my choice, and I didn’t have any say in it. Thus, even though I’m still angry, I will not and won’t feel any shame for her actions and behaviors. Those are hers and hers alone.
> 
> As her husband and best friend, I will be here for her. I will love her. And I hope to forgive her one day. I will likely never trust her again and our marriage may or may not be reconciled. But I will stay. After nearly 50 years of marriage, two children and four grandchildren, she deserves that. Even though I didn’t deserve what she did to me.
> 
> Your morals, your character and your values are what YOU have. Those are things that you have direct control over. You do NOT have direct control over other people and their behaviors. So, hang on to what YOU have rather than worrying about what others have or don’t have.
> 
> I’m not overly religious, but a quote from Billy Graham: “The greatest legacy one can pass on to one’s children and grandchildren is not money or other material things accumulated in one’s life, but rather a legacy of character and faith.”
> 
> I still struggle to accept what she has done. Again, from Billy Graham: Leave the questions of your spouse to them for now until they’re ready to open up to you. Let them. Don’t take it personally. Don’t get upset. Don’t get angry. Forgive them. Not for them, but for you. Bitterness will kill you. I’m trying to accept this as true…


Where does drinking away your pain fit into your integrity and ethics that are making you stay with a women that longed for another man for 37 years of your "marriage"?


----------



## BootsAndJeans

BigDaddyNY said:


> Stop being a coward and hiding in a bottle. This, doing it for the grandkids thing is total BS. What are you trying to show them? How Grandpa can be an alcoholic?


Listen man, I cannot imagine what you are feeling and going through. However, alcohol is not going to make this goet any better or go away. BigDaddyNY is telling you a brutal truth here.

You need to explain what happened to your daughter. She is an adult and you need need to control the narrative, not your wayward wife. 

You need to make a decision, as I see it you have four options:

1. Rug sweep it and carry on
2. Divorce her cheating ass and go find a woman with morals and honor. The field of potential women increases for men as we age.
3. Reconcile with her with mandatory counseling and establishing firm boundaries. This may take the rest of your life. This can only happen if you both love each other and she (offender) picks up the heavy load of repairing the marriage.
4. Continue to drink yourself into liver failure, add more pain onto your children and grandchildren, and leave your cheating wife with everything.


----------



## TAMAT

O&B,

Is there anyone in your life you can talk to about this anyone you can confide in who has some understanding?

Or can you just expose this so you don't have to hold in this hand grenade you have to swallow every day.

BTW you are not broken it is your WW who is.


----------



## SunCMars

Mr.Married said:


> To a biatch that goes off the rails ….. what’s the problem with a little vengeance? Did you seriously think he should take her back ?


Of course not!!!


----------



## Tested_by_stress

You're not her "best friend" O&B. Far from it actually. More akin to a door mat.


----------



## bygone

I’m not overly religious, but a quote from Billy Graham: “The greatest legacy one can pass on to one’s children and grandchildren is not money or other material things accumulated in one’s life, but rather a legacy of character and faith.”

nice post but you are not

this character is not true, this legacy is not yours

You are trying to make a life full of lies meaningful with these words and hide the truth.

you are her best friend!

Are we talking about your wife?

Lived 37 years lying to you and polygamy

The woman who stays with you because the man wants her to stay with you

you don't need to talk about character and faith

stay away from alcohol


----------



## ABHale

Old_and_Broken said:


> Many of you understand my decision and others think I’m being stupid, but I’ve come across similar stories. One of these has allowed me to understand a little better why I endure this “no good solution” situation as follows:
> 
> I KNOW who I am. I know that my decisions are based on values that I hold sacred. While the entire world goes crazy, doesn’t remain faithful, does stupid stuff, I will hold onto MY INTEGRITY, my honesty and my ethics. I will NOT lose those, no matter what other people do — including my own wife. Abandoning her would betray MY VALUES and would emotionally harm others in the family - even though she deserves to be left alone.
> 
> Knowing who YOU are is so vitally important. I realized that what she does or did wasn’t my choice, and I didn’t have any say in it. Thus, even though I’m still angry, I will not and won’t feel any shame for her actions and behaviors. Those are hers and hers alone.
> 
> As her husband and best friend, I will be here for her. I will love her. And I hope to forgive her one day. I will likely never trust her again and our marriage may or may not be reconciled. But I will stay. After nearly 50 years of marriage, two children and four grandchildren, she deserves that. Even though I didn’t deserve what she did to me.
> 
> Your morals, your character and your values are what YOU have. Those are things that you have direct control over. You do NOT have direct control over other people and their behaviors. So, hang on to what YOU have rather than worrying about what others have or don’t have.
> 
> I’m not overly religious, but a quote from Billy Graham: “The greatest legacy one can pass on to one’s children and grandchildren is not money or other material things accumulated in one’s life, but rather a legacy of character and faith.”
> 
> I still struggle to accept what she has done. Again, from Billy Graham: Leave the questions of your spouse to them for now until they’re ready to open up to you. Let them. Don’t take it personally. Don’t get upset. Don’t get angry. Forgive them. Not for them, but for you. Bitterness will kill you. I’m trying to accept this as true…


You would have lost none of those things if you divorced your cheating wife. She lost all of that the day she first cheated. You are just making excuses so you can live with the cheater. You have lost all of your self respect staying with her.

Stop making excuses for being too weak to leave. Deal with it and move on like you always have. Just stop complaining about a situation you have created by staying.

Like I said the last time, talk with your kids about this and get their help to Beal with the situation.

“As her husband and best friend” What the hell is this? You are delusional if you think she is your best friend, you are a paycheck and door mat to her.


----------



## Jimi007

I don't remember if her affair ever went PA . I thought it was a decades long EA...

Just me , I can see why the OP has stayed with his wife. Advanced age and medical issues . 

I'm assuming in some ways he has 
reconciled in his own mind.


----------



## Young at Heart

Old_and_Broken said:


> ......I don't believe she was intentionally evil but now believe she is a narcissist and cannot accept any wrong on her part.
> 
> ......_I_ was blessed with a healthy life, intelligence and success (comfortably retired financially). I was cursed with this situation. * But she is now disabled and seems to be failing mentally*. My morality doesn't allow me to abandon her - I wouldn't abandon a stranger. I am suffering mentally but many others are sheltered from the cruel realities. *I don't want to be a martyr, but it seems that's the hand I am given at my age *- leaving wouldn't change the past but would hurt other's future. I know i am depressed and sometimes *wish that I had died when I was ill with leukemia* at 50 (truth - rare Hairy Cell Leukemia) - I would never have experienced this betrayal of what I had held dear. (Sorry I'm rambling, but *I'm a bit drunk*. Even that doesn't fully stop the nighttime pain.) As was said in the movie "The Green Mile": "I will have wished for death long before Death finds me. In truth, I wish for it already." Thank you all - at least I have an outlet to vent my ongoing anger. I have no one to talk to *and don't think counseling could really help.*





Old_and_Broken said:


> ...... I'm stable but doubt I'll ever be good or truly happy. *By day I'm the best "me" I know how to be *- for MY sake. I can *limit my nighttime alcoho*l to 2-3 50ml shots (mini-bottles) - it gets me to sleep without problems in the morning. I will update the post if any changes, but unlikely.





Old_and_Broken said:


> .....I KNOW who I am. I know that my decisions are based on values that I hold sacred. While the entire world goes crazy, doesn’t remain faithful, does stupid stuff, I will hold onto MY INTEGRITY, my honesty and my ethics. I will NOT lose those, no matter what other people do — including my own wife. *Abandoning her would betray MY VALUES and would emotionally harm others* in the family - even though she deserves to be left alone.
> 
> ......As her husband and best friend, *I will be here for her. I will love her. And I hope to forgive her one day*. I will likely never trust her again and our marriage may or may not be reconciled. But I will stay. After nearly 50 years of marriage, two children and four grandchildren, she deserves that. Even though I didn’t deserve what she did to me.
> 
> I still struggle to accept what she has done. Again, from Billy Graham: Leave the questions of your spouse to them for now until they’re ready to open up to you. Let them. *Don’t take it personally. Don’t get upset. Don’t get angry. Forgive them. Not for them, but for you. Bitterness will kill you. * I’m trying to accept this as true…


A few thoughts. Your wife has truly treated you horribly. At least for most of your marriage you were clueless and happy because of that. 

I do feel that marriage counseling with your wife, would probably do little good. However, I do feel that individual counseling to try to turn your life around would provide you with huge benefits!

I truly understand you desire to stand by your wife while her health declines and your need to be true to your own ethics and morals. I have been married for over 51 years. About a decade ago, while in a sex starved marriage, I made a decision and a promise to myself. I too did not want to abandon my wife of nearly 40 years, however, my vows of marriage were not vows of celibacy. I started to read self-help books. Rather than drinking myself to sleep, I would stay up so late that the moment my head hit the pillow, I would fall asleep without knowing that the woman I loved was laying next to me. Sleep deprivation was ruining my health. I am sure that alcohol is ruining yours.

After lots of reading, I realized that I needed to start getting a life for myself, a life where I did things I wanted, as opposed to babysitting a wife who thought little of me. She was healthy, but I started to exercise and do sports that I had abandoned early in my marriage. I started to do things for me and my pleasure. I took up long distance running (10K to half marathons), I did century (100 mile) bike rides, I took up mountain climbing again. These were all things I did without my wife, as she wanted no part of them. However, I started to train with my children for some of them. I even did major events with my children. This brought a connection to family and a sense of accomplishment. I lost weight, got fit and my outlook on life changed.

I would urge you to find things that bring joy to your heart. Then see if you can add some of your children or grandchildren into them. Even if they live in other parts of the country you can still connect with them. Find a bike event (maybe just a 20-mile club ride) near where they live or on a holiday (like Thanksgiving) go to someplace warm with an event and do it there with kids. I have even been in 5K fun runs where you can take strollers (with small children in the jogging stroller) or where you can run-walk with young grade school aged children. Doing things for you, without your wife; doesn't mean abandoning your family connections.

The point is that life is short and special. Use it don't "kill time until you die." Don't be a martyr. Stop drinking and start embracing life in a way that brings you happiness and pride in who you are and your accomplishments. 

As to your wife, I understand not wanting to abandon her. After I had healed my own self. I decided that I would try to reconcile my marriage, but if I couldn't, I would divorce my wife and find a loving sexual relationship with another woman. Instead, I was able to reconcile my marriage with the help of a great sex therapist and a lot of struggling on the part of my wife. We no longer have a sex starved marriage. Part of the process was to learn to forgive my wife for the pain she caused me.

As you pointed out in your Billy Graham statement, "*Forgive them. Not for them, but for you. Bitterness will kill you."

Good luck.*
,


----------



## Old_and_Broken

Dear "Young",
Thank you for responding in a more helpful manner and not the thoughtless manner as many have responded lately. I wish others would consider the overall facts: I'm almost 70 years old and _I_ still have a moral commitment to my handicapped wife no matter how badly she's hurt me! Just returned from a holiday trip to Orolando (FL) and realized how alone I really am! I am struggling to find a real "therapist: - so many post-COVID so-called therapists want to telconferenece sessions!? Anyone who really thinks about this would realiize there is NO good solution. Just to remind others - the other man is DEAD - he committed suicide - likely because of his unhappy life that was encouraged by my wife's actions! I'm fighting a ghost - a memory of what could have been - and she's still defensive! I wish she could just be honest so I could understand, I'm still in shock and realizing I lived almost 40 years of a lie! She's trying to be good but still denies anything inappropriate happen since "I didn't sleep with him". Leaving will not diminsh the pain. She speaks kind words to me when she thinks about them, but subtle responses let me know she resents me for whatever reason she has imagined. I don't want to die but want the pain to end! Drinking too much and up to 3 per night - too much but not wildly too much. I can control myself during the day but nighttime is still barely manageable. Oh I wish the pain would end. Its a living nightmare that I wish I could awaken from. So much for a "fairy tale love" since middle school... I'm not her "one and only" and she's a great liar. How could I be so stupid?! How could I be so stupid! (4 drinks tonight - sorry if I rambled.) Foprget her - the lying b***ch - can anyone offer advice to me to cope with life moving forward?? No one else is aware of the situation - just a little from my daughter - to reveal it is a dead-end road with no options forward.


----------



## snowbum

70 isn’t that old. You could leave. You could get sober, leave, and live your own life. You continue to live with a ghost through inaction.


----------



## snowbum

She treated you like crap in the past. You can’t change that, you can change the future. You can live the days you have or drink them away like a martyr. Either way they pass. Why be miserable? You were lied to. Don’t stay any longer.


----------



## Livvie

Old_and_Broken said:


> Dear "Young",
> Thank you for responding in a more helpful manner and not the thoughtless manner as many have responded lately. I wish others would consider the overall facts: I'm almost 70 years old and _I_ still have a moral commitment to my handicapped wife no matter how badly she's hurt me! Just returned from a holiday trip to Orolando (FL) and realized how alone I really am! I am struggling to find a real "therapist: - so many post-COVID so-called therapists want to telconferenece sessions!? Anyone who really thinks about this would realiize there is NO good solution. Just to remind others - the other man is DEAD - he committed suicide - likely because of his unhappy life that was encouraged by my wife's actions! I'm fighting a ghost - a memory of what could have been - and she's still defensive! I wish she could just be honest so I could understand, I'm still in shock and realizing I lived almost 40 years of a lie! She's trying to be good but still denies anything inappropriate happen since "I didn't sleep with him". Leaving will not diminsh the pain. She speaks kind words to me when she thinks about them, but subtle responses let me know she resents me for whatever reason she has imagined. I don't want to die but want the pain to end! Drinking too much and up to 3 per night - too much but not wildly too much. I can control myself during the day but nighttime is still barely manageable. Oh I wish the pain would end. Its a living nightmare that I wish I could awaken from. So much for a "fairy tale love" since middle school... I'm not her "one and only" and she's a great liar. How could I be so stupid?! How could I be so stupid! (4 drinks tonight - sorry if I rambled.) Foprget her - the lying b***ch - can anyone offer advice to me to cope with life moving forward?? No one else is aware of the situation - just a little from my daughter - to reveal it is a dead-end road with no options forward.


You refer to her as a lying *****.

No, you do not have to stay married. You really don't.


----------



## Young at Heart

Old_and_Broken said:


> ......I'm almost 70 years old and _*I*_* still have a moral commitment to my handicapped wife* no matter how badly she's hurt me!
> 
> ......* I am struggling to find a real "therapist*: -
> 
> ...... I'm fighting a ghost - a memory of what could have been - and she's still defensive! I wish she could just be honest so I could understand, I'm still in shock and realizing I lived almost 40 years of a lie! She's trying to be good but still denies anything inappropriate happen since "I didn't sleep with him".
> 
> .......*Leaving will not diminsh the pain.*
> 
> ...... I don't want to die but *want the pain to end! * .... I can control myself during the day but nighttime is still barely manageable. Oh I wish the pain would end. Its a living nightmare that I wish I could awaken from.
> 
> ..... How could I be so stupid?! How could I be so stupid!
> 
> .......*can anyone offer advice to me to cope with life moving forward?*? No one else is aware of the situation - just a little from my daughter - to reveal it is a dead-end road with no options forward.


OK, I think your perspective is pretty clear.

As to *advice on moving forward*, let me give you a few thoughts, many you already know, but hopefully, you will think about how you can implement them.

*First,* find yourself a real therapist. Put more effort into it as it will help you emotionally heal. To move forward you really need to emotionally heal. You will not emotionally heal by using alcohol at night, you won't emotionally heal by thinking hurtful thoughts about your wife. You need help with those things, which is why you are here at TAM seeking help.

*Second,* in my healing process, which was nowhere near as traumatic as yours, I had to learn both to not accept myself as a victim of an "ice queen wife" and to actually forgive her. What helped me (and may help you) were affirmations or self-hypnosis. I am sure you have seen or heard CD's, MP3 recordings designed to help stop smoking, loose weight, etc. I actually took a class at a local community college on self-hypnosis that helped me forgive my wife and learn to love exercising.

My "forgive my wife" affirmations included deep relaxation followed by stating that my wife was a flawed human being who didn't realize how badly she hurt me by telling me she would never have sex with me. She didn't realize the pain or my suffering. She was human and unaware of what she was putting me through. I loved her and was committed to our marriage. I am capable of forgiveness and by forgiving her, I can start to put the pain behind me. It helps if you record your message and play it to yourself after you put yourself in a zen-like relaxation state.

*Third,* start doing strenuous exercise. If nothing else, this will allow you to fall asleep at night without alcohol. The discipline and control to train for a serious sport, the setting of goals and accomplishing them will help train your mind to do the same with your life. I recommend going to a gym at least five times a week to get away from your wife. I also recommend that you set yourself some measurable goals. My first set of goals involved a Couch to 5K running program. After I did my first few 5K runs, I later did some 5K runs with my children and grandchildren. Yes, there are 5K's where you can bring a jogging stroller or you can do a run/walk for the charity 5k fun run. After 5K's, I looked up and got some books on training for a half-marathon. I trained hard for half marathons and used some 10K and 15K runs as training. Again, I did some half marthons with my adult children.

Then after a number of half marathons, I decided to get into bicycling. At first is was just fun rides by myself along a paved trail along an old railroad grade. Then after a while, I joined a bicycle club and did some club rides. These were informal things not races and ranged from 10 to 40 miles. Some of them included stopping at as three or four breweries, some where on bridges, roads, tunnels where traffic was stopped and detoured so that it was only open to bicycles. The club also had some century (100 mile) rides as did other clubs. The included training programs and training rides for those long endurance rides. I did a number of shorter training rides with both my children.

After that I took up mountain climbing that I had given up shortly after marriage and before we had children. I actually took a series of courses on mountain climbing techniques with one of my adult children. Some weekends we went out the whole weekend and climbed rock faces, glaciers, or snow cover rock pinnacles. I also signed up for climbs without my son. 

I got in much better shape, I developed a life independent from that of my wife. I had my own interests and they included shared experiences with my children. I no longer stayed awake half the night so that when I laid down in bed next to the woman I loved and wanted to have sex with I would fall asleep of exhaustion. My entire attitude changed. Many self-help books describe this as "Getting a Life." Yes, you need to "Get a Life" one that challenges you, one that provides you with a sense of accomplishments you are proud of achieving, one that allows you to connect to people who are important to you, such as your children. Getting a Life was for me and had nothing to do with my wife. It did change the way she viewed me and she realized that I had changed and needed her much less. Getting my own life helped me in forgiving the pain my wife had caused me by years of sexual rejection.

Finally, you don't have to leave your wife; you don't have to divorce her in doing the above things. They will change you; they will change the way you view yourself and the way you view your wife. They may even change the way your wife views you. The point is that you are not too old to change yourself. 

You can't change your wife, only she can change herself and then only if she wants to change herself. Don't let her make you a victim. You can control your life, add meaning to it, accomplish things you didn't think were possible, improve your relationship with your adult children and your grandchildren. Push yourself and live life.

You asked, ".....*can anyone offer advice to me to cope with life moving forward?*....." I have shared what I did. It was not easy, but it is one way to move forward that will add meaning and some joy to your life, while focusing less on the pain that your wife caused you.

Good luck.


----------



## Openminded

My suggestion is focus on what makes you happy and do that. If you can do that with her, fine; if not, then without her. Life is short so don’t waste what time you have left. The saddest people are those who at the end wish they had lived life differently. Don’t be one of them.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

Old_and_Broken said:


> Dear "Young",
> Thank you for responding in a more helpful manner and not the thoughtless manner as many have responded lately. I wish others would consider the overall facts: I'm almost 70 years old and _I_ still have a moral commitment to my handicapped wife no matter how badly she's hurt me! Just returned from a holiday trip to Orolando (FL) and realized how alone I really am! I am struggling to find a real "therapist: - so many post-COVID so-called therapists want to telconferenece sessions!? Anyone who really thinks about this would realiize there is NO good solution. Just to remind others - the other man is DEAD - he committed suicide - likely because of his unhappy life that was encouraged by my wife's actions! I'm fighting a ghost - a memory of what could have been - and she's still defensive! I wish she could just be honest so I could understand, I'm still in shock and realizing I lived almost 40 years of a lie! She's trying to be good but still denies anything inappropriate happen since "I didn't sleep with him". Leaving will not diminsh the pain. She speaks kind words to me when she thinks about them, but subtle responses let me know she resents me for whatever reason she has imagined. I don't want to die but want the pain to end! Drinking too much and up to 3 per night - too much but not wildly too much. I can control myself during the day but nighttime is still barely manageable. Oh I wish the pain would end. Its a living nightmare that I wish I could awaken from. So much for a "fairy tale love" since middle school... I'm not her "one and only" and she's a great liar. How could I be so stupid?! How could I be so stupid! (4 drinks tonight - sorry if I rambled.) Foprget her - the lying b***ch - can anyone offer advice to me to cope with life moving forward?? No one else is aware of the situation - just a little from my daughter - to reveal it is a dead-end road with no options forward.


Handicapped you say? Any chance you can stuff her in a care home and lose the address?


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

Old_and_Broken said:


> Many of you understand my decision and others think I’m being stupid, but I’ve come across similar stories. One of these has allowed me to understand a little better why I endure this “no good solution” situation as follows:
> 
> I KNOW who I am. I know that my decisions are based on values that I hold sacred. While the entire world goes crazy, doesn’t remain faithful, does stupid stuff, I will hold onto MY INTEGRITY, my honesty and my ethics. I will NOT lose those, no matter what other people do — including my own wife. Abandoning her would betray MY VALUES and would emotionally harm others in the family - even though she deserves to be left alone.
> 
> Knowing who YOU are is so vitally important. I realized that what she does or did wasn’t my choice, and I didn’t have any say in it. Thus, even though I’m still angry, I will not and won’t feel any shame for her actions and behaviors. Those are hers and hers alone.
> 
> As her husband and best friend, I will be here for her. I will love her. And I hope to forgive her one day. I will likely never trust her again and our marriage may or may not be reconciled. But I will stay. After nearly 50 years of marriage, two children and four grandchildren, she deserves that. Even though I didn’t deserve what she did to me.
> 
> Your morals, your character and your values are what YOU have. Those are things that you have direct control over. You do NOT have direct control over other people and their behaviors. So, hang on to what YOU have rather than worrying about what others have or don’t have.
> 
> I’m not overly religious, but a quote from Billy Graham: “The greatest legacy one can pass on to one’s children and grandchildren is not money or other material things accumulated in one’s life, but rather a legacy of character and faith.”
> 
> I still struggle to accept what she has done. Again, from Billy Graham: Leave the questions of your spouse to them for now until they’re ready to open up to you. Let them. Don’t take it personally. Don’t get upset. Don’t get angry. Forgive them. Not for them, but for you. Bitterness will kill you. I’m trying to accept this as true…


Here are a couple choices that will save your sanity and with it your health.

1. Accept what happened, if you choose to stay then stay, never to bring up or worry about the whole thing anymore. Stop dwelling.
2. Realize number 1 isn't for you, and take action to divorce her. Now.

If you do neither you are at this point bringing stress upon yourself. 

It's not easy, granted. No one said life would be all roses and no thorns.


----------



## Decorum

Old_and_Broken said:


> Dear "Young",
> Thank you for responding in a more helpful manner and not the thoughtless manner as many have responded lately. I wish others would consider the overall facts: I'm almost 70 years old and _I_ still have a moral commitment to my handicapped wife no matter how badly she's hurt me! Just returned from a holiday trip to Orolando (FL) and realized how alone I really am! I am struggling to find a real "therapist: - so many post-COVID so-called therapists want to telconferenece sessions!? Anyone who really thinks about this would realiize there is NO good solution. Just to remind others - the other man is DEAD - he committed suicide - likely because of his unhappy life that was encouraged by my wife's actions! I'm fighting a ghost - a memory of what could have been - and she's still defensive! I wish she could just be honest so I could understand, I'm still in shock and realizing I lived almost 40 years of a lie! She's trying to be good but still denies anything inappropriate happen since "I didn't sleep with him". Leaving will not diminsh the pain. She speaks kind words to me when she thinks about them, but subtle responses let me know she resents me for whatever reason she has imagined. I don't want to die but want the pain to end! Drinking too much and up to 3 per night - too much but not wildly too much. I can control myself during the day but nighttime is still barely manageable. Oh I wish the pain would end. Its a living nightmare that I wish I could awaken from. So much for a "fairy tale love" since middle school... I'm not her "one and only" and she's a great liar. How could I be so stupid?! How could I be so stupid! (4 drinks tonight - sorry if I rambled.) Foprget her - the lying b***ch - can anyone offer advice to me to cope with life moving forward?? No one else is aware of the situation - just a little from my daughter - to reveal it is a dead-end road with no options forward.


You now know that your marriage isn't what you thought it was.

As you say it was all a lie.

It looks to me like your idea of marriage was for you to each fulfill your role and to be happy.

It looks to me like your wife's idea of what a good marriage is, is to have intimate connection.

She found that for 37 years with another man, and you never noticed.

You ask how you could be so stupid. You were actually unaware.

She was letting another man meet her emotional needs. That definitely is cheating.

There was actually enough emotional distance between the two of you that you never noticed, never felt her pull away, and she was never looking for you to be there.

That's remarkable.

Your whole attitude of grin and bear it, fake it till you make it, is completely in line with that modus vivendi.

It's kind of ridiculous, really.

You reject out of hand the very thing that would help you be a real person and deal with the pain of betrayal. Then you complain about the pain, then ask how you can make it go away.

You justify it with, "What good would it do?"

No one can help you if you won't help yourself.

You are avoidant.

Helpful link about avoidant-attachment-style


----------



## ABHale

Old_and_Broken said:


> Dear "Young",
> Thank you for responding in a more helpful manner and not the thoughtless manner as many have responded lately. I wish others would consider the overall facts: I'm almost 70 years old and _I_ still have a moral commitment to my handicapped wife no matter how badly she's hurt me! Just returned from a holiday trip to Orolando (FL) and realized how alone I really am! I am struggling to find a real "therapist: - so many post-COVID so-called therapists want to telconferenece sessions!? Anyone who really thinks about this would realiize there is NO good solution. Just to remind others - the other man is DEAD - he committed suicide - likely because of his unhappy life that was encouraged by my wife's actions! I'm fighting a ghost - a memory of what could have been - and she's still defensive! I wish she could just be honest so I could understand, I'm still in shock and realizing I lived almost 40 years of a lie! She's trying to be good but still denies anything inappropriate happen since "I didn't sleep with him". Leaving will not diminsh the pain. She speaks kind words to me when she thinks about them, but subtle responses let me know she resents me for whatever reason she has imagined. I don't want to die but want the pain to end! Drinking too much and up to 3 per night - too much but not wildly too much. I can control myself during the day but nighttime is still barely manageable. Oh I wish the pain would end. Its a living nightmare that I wish I could awaken from. So much for a "fairy tale love" since middle school... I'm not her "one and only" and she's a great liar. How could I be so stupid?! How could I be so stupid! (4 drinks tonight - sorry if I rambled.) Foprget her - the lying b***ch - can anyone offer advice to me to cope with life moving forward?? No one else is aware of the situation - just a little from my daughter - to reveal it is a dead-end road with no options forward.


We can give you advice and have given it to you. You’re the one staying in the relationship. She left the relationship 40 some years ago. You have a sense of honor for someone that hasn’t had any honor or respect for you from the day she started cheating. You know very well that it was an emotional and physical affair.

You have a very misguided sense of honor.


----------



## Luckylucky

What happens if she lives another 30 years? Given how well you care for her, have you considered she could live for decades?

I personally would be ok with my husband finding happiness in my later years, if I was handicapped or very unwell, I would like him to find hobbies or joy if I was unable to offer him much. And this is coming from a loyal wife. I wouldn’t like him to be stuck beside me every minute and drinking to sleep.


----------



## Evinrude58

Decorum said:


> You now know that your marriage isn't what you thought it was.
> 
> As you say it was all a lie.
> 
> It looks to me like your idea of marriage was for you to each fulfill your role and to be happy.
> 
> It looks to me like your wife's idea of what a good marriage is, is to have intimate connection.
> 
> She found that for 37 years with another man, and you never noticed.
> 
> You ask how you could be so stupid. You were actually unaware.
> 
> She was letting another man meet her emotional needs. That definitely is cheating.
> 
> There was actually enough emotional distance between the two of you that you never noticed, never felt her pull away, and she was never looking for you to be there.
> 
> That's remarkable.
> 
> Your whole attitude of grin and bear it, fake it till you make it, is completely in line with that modus vivendi.
> 
> It's kind of ridiculous, really.
> 
> You reject out of hand the very thing that would help you be a real person and deal with the pain of betrayal. Then you complain about the pain, then ask how you can make it go away.
> 
> You justify it with, "What good would it do?"
> 
> No one can help you if you won't help yourself.
> 
> You are avoidant.
> 
> Helpful link about avoidant-attachment-style


As hard as this is to hear OP, this is concise and needs bears reading. QFT


----------



## ConanHub

Old_and_Broken said:


> First - thank all of you for your responses. It helps to at least vent my frustrations. I know this sounds like a soap opera, but in the middle of trying to accept the situation, another shock just popped up by accident. My wife has always insisted she was pursued by the other man and she wasn't in love with him. Well ... my daughter is having some marital issues and last week was telling me about her past problems. She explained that her Mother (my wife) had advised her about being attracted to a man during daughter's separation in 2019. Without my prompting - I was just a sympathetic ear - my daughter told me that my wife advised her that "the heart wants what the heart wants". My wife related the fact that she had had been in the same situation years ago and had decided to stay. So after all my struggles and trying to cope, another fact emerged - my wife is still lying, protecting the other man and admitted to my daughter that she loved him! After a few days of too much alcohol and arguments, I'm back to stable now. My wife still insists this wasn't true, but my daughter was ignorant of our issues and why would she lie? How much s**t can a man endure? I know leaving is the easy way out, but at 69, there are few viable options except endure. Thanks for "listening" and comments. I can't believe that this is still ongoing. And yes, our life together is little more than roommates now - like the Middle East truce!


Dump her wrinkled butt. 

Backstabbing lizard.


----------



## ConanHub

jlg07 said:


> No she didn't want to keep your marriage strong. She wanted to keep YOU around to pay for her lifestyle.
> She cheated on you for THIRTY SEVEN years? Why in God's name would you WANT to have sex with her?


He kind of added to the thread but isn't the OP.😉


----------



## JLCP

Livvie said:


> Not really. You don't think if 50 years of marital assets disappeared the other spouse's attorney wouldn't hire a forensic accountant???
> 
> I assure you, it's quite common in family law these days to have an accountant dig in if something looks off. You can't just "send all of" decades of marital funds away and not have it uncovered that the funds went missing!
> 
> The courts would find a way to make it even in that event, even if they give the non absconding spouse all of the real property, retirement, etc.
> 
> Don't advise anyone ever to hide away marital assets!!


Yep. My Grandfather tried to hide money when he left my grandmother for his mistress and the judge gave my grandmother extra settlement $. BTW, the judges take it personally when you lie to them in their court and try to hide the truth from them. The judge will punish ppl who lie in their courtroom. 


Livvie said:


> Not really. You don't think if 50 years of marital assets disappeared the other spouse's attorney wouldn't hire a forensic accountant???
> 
> I assure you, it's quite common in family law these days to have an accountant dig in if something looks off. You can't just "send all of" decades of marital funds away and not have it uncovered that the funds went missing!
> 
> The courts would find a way to make it even in that event, even if they give the non absconding spouse all of the real property, retirement, etc.
> 
> Don't advise anyone ever to hide away marital assets!!


----------



## bygone

I just read your last post

It has nothing to do with your wife or your age or anything.

There are people who divorce at the age of 90.

It's not easy and you can come up with a lot of excuses, but it's not okay to be nice to a woman who's been living her whole all marriage with someone else and keep quiet by hiding the relationship. that doesn't make you a good husband or religious,

You are hurting yourself

initiate a divorce, disclose the relationship,


----------



## Jimi007

Did your wife go to the OM funeral ?


----------



## Old_and_Broken

(Sorry I haven't responded lately - I'm still here but a bit annoyed by people who respond with "shallow" comments without really bothering to read and understand the depth of the whole situation.)
"TAMAT" : Thank you for your reply.
"bygone" : Thank you for your reply.
"Young" : BIG Thank you for your reply.
"Lucky": If you really mean what you wrote - I commend you for your true love for your husband - you're in the minority. Go and give each other a big hug just for the heck of it!

"Jimi007": No - he committed suicide and it must have been kept very quiet by his family and friends. I found out a couple of weeks after it happened. (Side detail: During our arguments, my wife had even convinced herself that he didn't commit suicide!) I looked but cannot even find an obituary! Found proof of death from SSA records and court proceedings where his elderly mother processed his will. Karma is a B***h - but as far as I'm concerned, he deserved the lonely, sad life he lived!!


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## Evinrude58

O and B,
Does your wife still keep the picture of the contractor on her desk, and was your picture also on her desk?

Do you believe she still mourns his loss?

May I suggest getting out and meeting ladies and seeing if you could at least monkey branch out of misery? 
Because you are NOT too old to find happiness, and you deserve to find a woman that truly does love you.

Nothing You can ever do will get your wife to love you like you’ve loved her. She destroyed her feelings for you 37 years ago.

Why are you so willing to die a martyr?

your grandkids are not going to be somehow broken if you leave their grandma. Especially if you give them the truth that so badly should be released. You are worthy of the respect from your loved ones that was never given my your wife. I understand if you don’t want to divorce her and reward her for her total apathy toward YOUR life and happiness.

your Wife has committed a crime against you worse than killing you in my opinion. She’s stolen your joy of life, your agency, your hopes for a future.

you can still take some of that back.


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## Old_and_Broken

"Evinrude58": I don't disagree with most of your observations about what was done to me and my psyche. I will never look at life the same way. I will never forget what another person (my wife) is capable of - and any other person I encounter could be even more deceiving. Therefore I will never allow anyone close enough to hurt me again. I further cannot be sure that they don't desire me for my money (not rich, but definitely secure in retirement). Given these issues, causing turmoil within the extended family doesn't help me long-term and actually hurts MY interactions with them as some side with me and others with her!? {Yes, you know some will!}. I would love to get some measure of revenge and strike back, but NO it wouldn't make things right or even or erase the pain. After 2 years of discussions, it is clear my wife will never even admit to herself that what she did was wrong since she says she didn't sleep with him! {And if you'll do research, some female psychologists agree with her - but few men.} This is a no-win situation. I'm not stupid or a doormat - I'm pragmatic about the best long-term outcome for me after this happened.


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## Tempocontour

You say you exercise often, but what else do you do? Maybe going out with friends, find a hobby with others, make new friends, join a church group, etc would help. Based on what I've read so far, seems like you're alone even tho you're doing things.

There is a BH story somewhere I read where he keeps everything on the nice with his wife but basically does whatever he wants to do, comes and go when he wants, do whatever he wants. Try to take breaks from being with your wife for a few minutes/hours.

Good luck. I would also be devastated if I was in your situation.


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## bygone

Use this place as a diary or ventilation, share everything that comes to your mind and chat with the people here as comfortably as you can not be with anyone, it will relax you.

stay away from alcohol


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## Old_and_Broken

Thank you Tempo and bygone for your reasonable advice in this situation. I am stable at this time BUT the night is SO stressful as thoughts cannot be contained when you're trying to doze. I am trying to adjust to my new reality: maintain peace at home but feel freer to act more "selfish" than I ever would have before. After my initial shock and outrage outbursts, I now use this forum as you suggest: to vent or make comments. There is no chance that this will ever improve - she is in ignorant bliss and I know myself and how deeply this touches everyone and everything with which I interact. As far as drinking, I drink nothing during the day, but cannot stop "self medicating" with typically 2 drinks at bedtime to help me get drowsy enough to sleep. Not the best solution but arguably not a serious problem from medical guidelines. I do slip sometime on bad nights when I have encountered a painful reminder during the day, but 3 drinks will always put me out late at night. Thanks to all who are just there to listen to my ramblings.


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## blackclover3

Old_and_Broken said:


> Thank you Tempo and bygone for your reasonable advice in this situation. I am stable at this time BUT the night is SO stressful as thoughts cannot be contained when you're trying to doze. I am trying to adjust to my new reality: maintain peace at home but feel freer to act more "selfish" than I ever would have before. After my initial shock and outrage outbursts, I now use this forum as you suggest: to vent or make comments. There is no chance that this will ever improve - she is in ignorant bliss and I know myself and how deeply this touches everyone and everything with which I interact. As far as drinking, I drink nothing during the day, but cannot stop "self medicating" with typically 2 drinks at bedtime to help me get drowsy enough to sleep. Not the best solution but arguably not a serious problem from medical guidelines. I do slip sometime on bad nights when I have encountered a painful reminder during the day, but 3 drinks will always put me out late at night. Thanks to all who are just there to listen to my ramblings.


ok what do your kids say about the whole thing?
and about her? has she said anything?

do you feel maybe you would feel better seeing other people behind her back? maybe finding that someone will give you courage and hope to take stronger steps


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## ArthurGPym

Old_and_Broken said:


> I'm pragmatic about the best long-term outcome for me after this happened.


So you will just keep the boat steady, make no waves and stay miserable for the rest of your life. Okay, but understand that no one values integrity and nobility anymore.


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## Old_and_Broken

blackclover3: First, please read the entire post - 2) I'll be 70 next month; 3) Her position is clearly restated in my last response
Arthur: _I_ have my values whether anyone else does. (I fully understand the "morality" of most of modern society.)


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## Evinrude58

70………. There’s likely some room there for several years of happiness. But you are gonna take your martyr stance…..
It’s your life. I’ll be damned if I’d be so miserable I’d need three drinks to get myself to sleep— without at least trying to get happy.

you are financially secure OP—— there’s no way I wouldn’t at least be taking myself some solo Trips to other countries and living a happy life. You’re CHOOSING misery. That’s absolutely senseless. Stay married, but at least get out and live your life. You should be sleeping like a baby sir.


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## bygone

Old_and_Broken said:


> Thank you Tempo and bygone for your reasonable advice in this situation. I am stable at this time BUT the night is SO stressful as thoughts cannot be contained when you're trying to doze. I am trying to adjust to my new reality: maintain peace at home but feel freer to act more "selfish" than I ever would have before. After my initial shock and outrage outbursts, I now use this forum as you suggest: to vent or make comments. There is no chance that this will ever improve - she is in ignorant bliss and I know myself and how deeply this touches everyone and everything with which I interact. As far as drinking, I drink nothing during the day, but cannot stop "self medicating" with typically 2 drinks at bedtime to help me get drowsy enough to sleep. Not the best solution but arguably not a serious problem from medical guidelines. I do slip sometime on bad nights when I have encountered a painful reminder during the day, but 3 drinks will always put me out late at night. Thanks to all who are just there to listen to my ramblings.


I think your problem is the damage your wife has done to you and your marriage, her lies over the years, and the fact that she has no real regrets about her relationship.

your wife doesn't admit that she caused you pain, she doesn't take responsibility for your current situation, she tells different stories to the environment, she keeps herself on the pedestal.

you can also have your children read what you wrote here, there are parts of you that are broken, dying, suffering, you are trying to stand up, it is not bad to get support from somewhere, you are trying to carry 30+ years of lies and betrayal alone,

you will have anger, you will have sorrows, you will have silence, etc. Let those around you reach you.

It's nice to be here with you, but in your close circle, you need a support system,

You both calm their worries about your situation and you don't have to deal with some of the things you have to deal with on your own.

try to live a good life, don't hurt yourself,experienced therapist or priest can help more than alcohol,


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## blackclover3

Old_and_Broken said:


> blackclover3: First, please read the entire post - 2) I'll be 70 next month; 3) Her position is clearly restated in my last response
> Arthur: _I_ have my values whether anyone else does. (I fully understand the "morality" of most of modern society.)


Mate
age is just a number - but how we perceive life within is important. there are many ladies in their 50s and 60s are looking for a partner to enjoy life with. if you are healthy individual, expand your horizon, workout, go outdoor, do things for Old_and_Broken only. stop thinking about people around you. 

sorry to keep repeating myself. 

you are a good guy


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## Evinrude58

A good guy who has given up on life. Don’t do it OP. You sound like you’ve worked hard all your life. Been a loyal husband and good father. Isn’t it time you found some happiness?

your wife opened her end of the marriage 37 years ago to another man. Open it for yourself.


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## ArthurGPym

At the very least buy yourself a sports car or a Harley.


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