# Trust me it will get better, my story



## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

This is what I wrote 2.5 months ago just about a week after we separated.

"My wife and I just separated about 1 week ago .

I'm in real pain because i do love her and I don't know if she meant it or it was just that she was fed up with the constant fighting. I am heart broken, depressed and need your help!!

I'm not contacting her, we have spoken once since 1 week ago because I want to give her space and peace; I don't want to push her. I started going to counseling to address my bad temper and current depression due to my situation and they have helped me in a huge way, I want to be better for myself and hopefully she can see my effort, if not well still I want to change the man I am today for my own good.

She still loves me but she says everything she wants is to be at peace after so much stress and drama in our marriage. I haven't been the best of husbands and she hasn't been the best of wives but I still feel that we can work it out, love has not died but just we are not crazy about each other like we were

Any comments will help me a lot guys! and sorry about the lengthy message is hard to summarize 4 years of relationship in one thread...


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

2.5 months later, 

We are getting divorced, and you know what? It is not the end of the world! I am not saying this to make you feel bad, or to rain on your parade. Our marriage is totally different from yours. What I meant by saying that it's not the end of the world is true. 2.5 months ago I thought I was going to die, my life was worth less than a penny, I was the worst of husbands, I was never going to be happy again when I found myself separated and alone...I couldn't cope with it at all. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and will work towards reaching the end of the tunnel  

To all of you that are in the early stages of separation, whether you will divorce or reconcile, hear my words. It will get better, you will start to live your life but this will happen ONLY if you want it to happen. You can live your life w/o needing your spouses to enjoy life, and you know what? this will serve you in a huge way if you are to reconcile. If you don't, it will make you a better person either way and your future significant other, your family, even your future ex will notice your change. You will be proud of yourself like I am now, when we are not happy with ourselves we are in pain, and we cause pain to those around us. Remember that.

I read somewhere that "A day of sorrow, anxiety, poverty and despair will teach you more than a lifetime of apparent happiness, richness and peace."

Work towards bettering yourself by going to counseling, reading self-help books, and forgiving youself and your wife. We all are human beings who make mistakes. LIVE the NOW because the past and the future do not exist, the past used to be a present and it just lives through memories, relieve ONLY the happy memories and stop hurting yourself by going over and over the painful ones. The future is not written yet, it doesn't exist and what we do RIGHT NOW is what will determine our future. It's not worth it if you worry too much about it. "Do you know how to make God laugh? Tell him your plans."

Lastly, accept that your wife is an adult with a mind of his/her own and whatever he/she decides will be what's better for her/him. Most of the times, there is two at fault, equally or not but it is not only your fault, stop tormenting you. Remember those times that you showed him/her what a great spouse you were, instead of just remembering when you were mean and hurtful, those good times sometimes are even way more than the bad times.

I am keeping all those beautiful moments with her, I will always love her but it is a love that doesn't expect anything in return. I learned a lot from her, and she gave me so much happiness. I wish her the best in life, and don't hold any resentments. I have learned that those who don't love unconditionally (family, friends, spouses) will end up feeling regret, regret turns into anger, and the only one that will house that anger is us. Do you want to live your live like that? I don't.

Whatever your spouse decides, accept it and move on. If they decide to reconcile, CONTINUE working on yourself, you haven't reached the finish line but you have just started the race. If you are to get divorced, CONTINUE working on yourself, you haven't reached the finish line but you have just started the race. It applies for BOTH.

I hope this helps somebody, it has been my life for the last 2 months and a half. I've changed for good, and at the end what I have learned is to do always what's right and fair. I thank God for giving me this experience because I see the light now, I'm not quite there yet but at least I know what to do now, I am not lost anymore. I have my bad days but I can happily say that they are WAY less than at the beginning, and I look forward for what's to come, and to enjoy my present life...my present imperfect life and I embrace it with arms wide open.

I wish you all the best, because even if some of you are in the darkest moments of your lives, this can be the preamble for a better you. Decide to stop hurting and start your change, a better life is ahead, I mean it is already here, you are alive aren't you? you are breathing, you are healthy maybe you don't have a clear mind but TRY with all your being, trust me...it will get better.

I also what to thank those who helped me and who accompanied me in this journey, because of you the loneliness wasn't really bad. If you are still waiting, I tip my hat to you because you are patient and it is out of love...


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

I am glad that you are in a better place. I feel that you found inner peace and that is something we all are trying to each in our situation. I wish you the best to whatever come along your way. I dont know if I am confident to say that I am there yet, but I am also a work in progress. Continue with your transformation and keep us updated =)


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Glad to hear it stbx..I feel the same way..3 months ago I was wanting with everything for her to say "okay let's not do this but give it another try"..now..it looks like divorce is in the future and I am so relieved..not in that dreaded limbo..I even confessed a few things to her which made me even happier..it's all going to be alright at least as far as the pain of the initial separation goes..but it does seem strange to have been together years and in a few months are already ready to end it..at least for me and our 17 yrs together...I was glad to read your post.


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## MissingHer (Mar 14, 2010)

I'm pretty much in the same boat as you. It's been a little over 3 months for me. I wrote something similar (see "For What It's Worth" in this section). 
I guess I don't know if I will love her like I did. I told her I loved her no matter what when I was still trying to convince her to come back but now I think about what she did (EA, not putting much effort towards counseling, reading books, etc.). It just put a bad taste in my mouth and now I look at her differently. I hope she works on her issues (we both had them and I gladly am working on mine) just so she's not going from guy to guy. I don't want that for my kids. If you don't work on what caused problems in the relationship, how do you expect your next one to work out? I realize that and honestly, I'm looking forward to meeting the person that will become the ACTUAL one so I can treat her like the princess she deserves to be. I tried to show my wife how she would be treated but I think she was so far gone already that she didn't even notice. I'll just say it's her loss.
Best of luck to you. We'll all get through this with support from each other.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Thank you all for your kind messages,

I've read more now that I am alone, than in 2 years. Like Prelude said, I found and am trying to keep my inner peace. If you have the time, I truly recommend the Power of NOW by Eckhart Tolle, and The Secret. Great reading companion in these times of loss and grief 

Our story lasted less than 5 years, and I don't regret it at all. In the end, I am a better man than the boy she met more than 4 years ago, and I am sure she is a better woman than that girl I met more than 4 years ago. We just grew in different directions, but those good times were awesome, and I will keep them in my heart. We have forgiven each other at last.

My advice is to avoid having any resentment, hard feeling or not letting go. Life continues, sun rises, flowers bloom and we are alive for a reason. I am sure that I had to live through this to realize many things about myself, and I am very happy. Throughout my life I will keep on making mistakes but at least not the same ones from my past married life.

Thank you again and I am sure you will be in a better place in case you are not already there


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

MissingHer..For me, I can't see myself at this time finding anyone to make me feel like I first did when I met my wife, fell in love then got married, I know it will eventually happen but I think it's going to be awhile..18 yrs of knowing someone who you thought was going to be a life partner then having all the pitfalls of marriage happen and not recognizing them, still doesn't make it any easier after 3 mos. at least to me...like you and 'stbxh' I have read more than ever before..I read posts on people who have remarried and the percent of those failing is more than those who marry eachother in a first marriage..and that is the farthest thing from my mind..I wonder if it is a natural feeling, inspite of all the signs showing it really is over, to have that thread of maybe we will get back together..although there is no way either her nor me want that, in the back of my mind there is still that last thread.


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## MissingHer (Mar 14, 2010)

2Daughters said:


> MissingHer..For me, I can't see myself at this time finding anyone to make me feel like I first did when I met my wife, fell in love then got married, I know it will eventually happen but I think it's going to be awhile..18 yrs of knowing someone who you thought was going to be a life partner then having all the pitfalls of marriage happen and not recognizing them, still doesn't make it any easier after 3 mos. at least to me...like you and 'stbxh' I have read more than ever before..I read posts on people who have remarried and the percent of those failing is more than those who marry eachother in a first marriage..and that is the farthest thing from my mind..I wonder if it is a natural feeling, inspite of all the signs showing it really is over, to have that thread of maybe we will get back together..although there is no way either her nor me want that, in the back of my mind there is still that last thread.


I've known my wife for just over 15 years. Our 8th anniversary is next week. Yes I have known her for a while but now when I see the way she has acted towards me, I feel like I don't know her anymore. She even said she's not the same person. I know I'm not either but I've changed in a way that I'm now more of the family type. I love having a wife and kids. Would I rather have my wife and I work things out? Sure! That would save a lot of time, money, stress, etc. It would be better for the kids...but only if we showed that we loved each other. Do you want your kids to realize that their parents don't love each other? They would be able to tell that my wife and I weren't getting along, even if it is just because of her doing. I've talked to some of my friends that went through a divorce when they were kids and they said they turned out fine. My counselor also recommended the book "We're Still Family." While I used the "do it for the kids" reason when I pleaded with my wife, I always believed that the kids were a big reason to WORK on things but not a reason to stay together. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone that told me she feels she settled for me. 

I tried like heck to make it work but nothing seemed to click for her. Finally I got tired of the asking, begging, etc. I didn't want to be stressed out by her wanting her own cell phone bill or taking more stuff from the house whenever she stopped by. I don't deserve to be put through that anymore. I know I'm a good person. I'm a good dad. I probably wasn't the best husband and since my wife won't let me show her that I can be a good spouse, I'll just keep working on myself to show that next person the type of partner I can be. It's sad that divorce is so common these days. I don't believe in it and, like I said, i would rather stay with the first person I married but only if we both agreed to work on things. That's not happening so I'm not going to be the one that keeps asking. Life is too short for that.

Sorry for the rambling.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

MissingHer..I feel what you mean..you're exactly right the way you feel, I feel the same way,but I meant is I just don't feel like I will feel the same as before AT THIS TIME although I know I will sooner than later...she has already moved on but my kids keep me grounded and I thought staying for them was the best but now I see it wasn't..even though I am not in love with her anymore I've always said she was the smartest person I know and she still is..my wife seems like someone else..I guess an affair will make you like that..I should know...and it isn't rambling MissingHer because we or they never thought we'd be at this place..ever wonder if your wife was doing these sites before coming to her decision?..I think mine was.:


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## MissingHer (Mar 14, 2010)

2Daughters said:


> MissingHer..I feel what you mean..you're exactly right the way you feel, I feel the same way,but I meant is I just don't feel like I will feel the same as before AT THIS TIME although I know I will sooner than later...she has already moved on but my kids keep me grounded and I thought staying for them was the best but now I see it wasn't..even though I am not in love with her anymore I've always said she was the smartest person I know and she still is..my wife seems like someone else..I guess an affair will make you like that..I should know...and it isn't rambling MissingHer because we or they never thought we'd be at this place..ever wonder if your wife was doing these sites before coming to her decision?..I think mine was.:


I probably won't feel the same either. I met my wife when I was a senior in high school so I was probably just infatuated with her at first. I grew to love her and that kept growing with everything life threw at us: her support when I lost my job, the birth of our kids, etc. Now when I meet females I try to get a feeling for the way they act and how those actions would relate to me and how they would be with kids. I'm not a senior in high school anymore so I don't think like that. But if a female shows me respect and displays her affection for me and is honest and committed, I can grow to love her. I know I can.

I don't think my wife ever looked at this site. I guess her idea of dealing with her unhappiness in the marriage was by calling her male co-worker behind my back and lying to me. She never wanted to tap into any of the resources out there for couples in distress. Since I did utilize them on my own, I'm a much better person for it and I have a better understanding of what it takes to make a marriage work. But it does take two so I have to determine if the next potential spouse understands that as well. There are marriages that last and it's evident with my parents and grandparents (62 years) so hopefully there are still women out there that want to have forever.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

You have a pretty good sense of the woman you want and that's cool..after reading your latest post I now think my wife never visited these sites but like yours started slowly getting a sympathetic ear from a male 'friend' and also her own friends although meaning well did no good for our relationship with their advice..bottomline is we are each individuals and make up our own reasons to do things..as for my wife, I can see why she did what she did but it still doesn't make me feel any better, in fact it makes me feel worse..she just today is going 'camping' for 5 days..and although I don't show it, it is killing me inside..but like you know..we will meet that someone who will make us forget all the hurt that has happened, it's just we never intended to have to look for that..time..time...time..sometimes I don't think it heals every pain.


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## MissingHer (Mar 14, 2010)

I think it was primarily the male figures in my wife's life that had an influence. I can't dwell on it anymore. The easy thing to do would be to show her company the call log from her cell phone so HR could see how much she and her boss were talking. I haven't and I don't see the need to. I know we've taken over this post but the title is "it will get better" and I truly believe that. I look at myself now and I'm much better off than I was right after I found out about her feelings and even better than just about a month ago.

Just try not to think about her too much. I know it's hard but think about other things. My stomach used to twist when I would picture her with another guy. I don't know if it ever happened but I'm betting it did/is happening. Now it doesn't bother me as much. For all I know, she could be dating. Maybe she'll realize the grass isn't greener, but in order for her to comeback "to this side" it would take some work on her part. I would be willing to discuss it with her but I'm done begging. DONE!

I've just gotten to the point that if a member of the opposite sex shows an interest in me, I'm not going to turn her away by saying I'm married (I would tell her my status though). It may sound like I'm cheating on my wife but am I really? I can still hear her saying "I hope you find someone." What does that tell me? But for the record, I haven't done anything with another woman since we've been married or since we've been separated. My goal isn't to hop in the sack with as many women as possible. It's to find someone special to share life with. I thought I found her already but I guess she didn't want the same thing.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Nothing worse than "I hope you find someone to make you happy" or "I love you but I am not in love with you anymore" or "I can't help the way I feel" or the most inane one "we can still be friends"..WTF after 18 yrs together we can still be friends?..not right now, that's for sure..honestly the only time I get upset anymore is when she shows up at the games I coach at or when I drop/pick up my girls...BTW I do have 2 dates lined up but it is going to seem odd.


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## MissingHer (Mar 14, 2010)

Yeah I got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" also. I'm glad I found this site because I really thought I was alone in all of this...even though my own father-in-law went through it with his first wife (not my wife's mom) and gave me his support from the beginning. I know he can't side with me but both of her parents have been great to me along with her sister. Not to talk myself up, but they all hope things work out between my wife and I.

Good luck on your dates! Honestly, I think going on one would make me feel even better. But I really get kind of nervous when I think about trying to impress someone in a structured setting. I'd almost like to meet someone through friends and get to know her better somehow other than sitting down to dinner. I know I'll have to do it eventually though.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Thanks..I wish things could work out for you two..after going through this I don't wish it on anyone..and on my date, it is not to impress but have fun:smthumbup:, going to an amusement park since I love going on rides, I got into the habit of letting my wife decide evrything we would do, which wasn't good for either of us..so now I feel free in a way..good luck however it turns out, which I'm sure will be good.


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## MissingHer (Mar 14, 2010)

That's true. Have fun. Be honest and be you. That's all you can do. Through all of this, I've learned how to be myself and not try to put on a show. If she likes you for who you are, great. If not, you move on until you find someone that does. I don't want to have to "be someone else" for the entire relationship because I did it on the first date. That's how you start to hear things like "he's changed." 

And don't throw up on her.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

HA HA:rofl:..I know what you mean but that's only the rides that spin in circles...yes I've gotten the old "you've changed, I've changed" line..and I'm just looking to see if I'm even ready to date, definitely not looking to 'hook up' but just fun...horseback riding, water park, baseball games, hiking and jet skiing are all on my list..of course I do a lot of that with the kids but now it will sometimes be me and whomever.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Hello all,

I think this is a whole process, OF COURSE I'd like to be with someone, after living with a person for so long and then finding yourself all alone, it is just human nature to try and avoid feeling lonely. I am beginning to get used to being alone, although there are times that indeed I feel anxious. People tell me not to rush things, that's the reason why a lot of 2nd marriages fail, because people get married or start living with a person because they don't want to deal with those feelings. 

Sometimes it really sucks because I want to be with somebody but at the same time I don't want to or feel that I am not ready  

Anyway, still here, still breathing, and getting better everyday. The only way is up...whenever I feel down I just keep telling myself "It's been less than 3 months, it's been less than 3 months it will get better."


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## MissingHer (Mar 14, 2010)

Sorry we jacked your thread. 

I hope I'm not getting used to being lonely, but just getting better at being alone. By that I mean I thrive on getting things taken care of at home whether it's making sure the kids are provided for, doing chores, whatever. I never took my wife for granted when she was living at home. I always knew she did a lot but I also felt that I did my share. Now I just have to do more. It keeps my mind off things. If there is nothing to do at home and the kids aren't there, I get out of the house and go find something to do. Eventually I would like to be able to get out of the house and go do something with someone special but, like you, I don't want to rush it. I want to make sure I'm ready because it's not fair to her to be the rebound person. 
I think I'm testing it already after meeting a divorced mother. My thought is take it slow and form a friendship. If something is meant to be, it will happen. 

Good luck stb.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Don't worry this forum is meant to express our feelings 

I feel the same way. I don't want to, in a way, use somebody to fill my love tank. Besides, I am looking forward to move from this city and what's the point on developing a relationship with someone if I hope I won't be here next year. 

Anyway, I am just here grateful that I am alive and glad that I survived and don't feel like I used to 3 months ago. I just pray to never feel that way again. In a way I feel like it is karma, I paid for all the bad things I did in my marriage, again it's not like I did everything but I share the dismay of our marriage, and I have to accept it. 

Let's see what life has waiting for all of us, in a way it's kind of exciting  I imagined my life in a way, I didn't have kids with her, and I think now we didn't because we were not sure if our marriage was going to last. I am glad you know. My life is it's now a blank page where I can write again.


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