# Married ex still wants a future with me



## Oscar278 (Jan 10, 2022)

Me (25) and my ex (23) were together from college all the way till 2/3 years ago. We broke it off because her parents were really strict and wouldn’t accept me as a potential suitor for her in terms of marriage. We are both from a Pakistani background and families don't like marrying out of the caste system (it is very outdated) however some families still follow this belief. It was a really good relationship and till this day i compare women i meet with her (they usually don't come close) we were best friends as well as being in a relationship. We had ups and downs as every relationship does but it was something that was amazing.

She made a promise to me when we broke up that if her families mindset was to ever change she would return and if i was still single we could maybe try again. Recently she popped back up to me on social media telling me she was married and that she got married a year ago. Im not going to lie it really did hurt me because I felt she was the love of my life. She told me she had found someone within her caste that her parents were happy with. However, she is not happy even though its only been a year shes been constantly thinking about me. Her bond with her husband is not very good and he emotionally abuses her and is not very understanding.

I understand that people may take offence to the fact she is married and she is reaching out to her “ex” but whilst speaking to her on the phone she mentioned how lonely she feels and that she has considered taking her life. We kept in contact for a week after that where i made sure she was in the right frame of mind and wouldn’t dare think that again. During this time she told me that she still loves me and her families mindset has slowly started to change as her brother got married outside the caste.

Even though I love her dearly i know it is not my place to interfere in marital affairs. Hence i told her that we cant be going on like this whilst she is married. She responded saying she won’t be married for long and that she would like to reach out to me after and maybe we could rekindle things.

I just wanted to know if this was to happen how could I approach things? I know she will be hurt and trying to recover i dont want to bombard her but I also want to show her that im not judgemental and still in love with her.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Don’t do anything. Let her work this out on her own. Don’t talk to her, discuss things, be her buddy, etc.

When or if she’s divorced, then you can worry about it.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

The next time she mentions suicide, call the police and have her examined by a doctor.

*Her bond with her husband is not very good and he emotionally abuses her and is not very understanding. *

Can you give 3 concrete examples of each? If not, then you don't know her story. 

I ask because this vague talk (without relevant examples) is evidence of someone (your Ex) justifying acting badly toward an innocent spouse .

Do not allow yourself to become a wedge in their marriage. Do not encourage her to compare her husband to you (it's not fair because no spouse can compete). As an EX, do not council her on her marriage problems. In fact, under the circumstances you should distance yourself untll she's single.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Stay out of their marriage and block/unfriend her. 

She never chose you, she chose to marry this man. Her marital problems are not your problem. Worry about moving on with your life and your own happiness.

This is not some Bollywood movie, you both live in the UK and don't have to subscribe to cultural traditions if you don't want to, regardless of what your family thinks. I can never understand why people move to a Western country and expect their children to adhere strictly to cultural traditions. 

Btw, I am a female mostly of East Indian heritage.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Would her family be okay with divorce?


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## Oscar278 (Jan 10, 2022)

TXTrini said:


> Stay out of their marriage and block/unfriend her.
> 
> She never chose you, she chose to marry this man. Her marital problems are not your problem. Worry about moving on with your life and your own happiness.
> 
> ...


One of her siblings had already been divorced she went against her families wishes and hurt her parents. Then when it didn’t work out they were super against it. I know its not a bollywood movie im going through it and its alot of hurt for me too.

Ive tried to move on myself i have dated a few women in that timespan but I couldn’t love them or bond with them like i did with her. I have told her that I cant be a person she talks to about her marital problems i have since deleted her. The last thing i said is if you get divorced we can talk until then im off the list.


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## Oscar278 (Jan 10, 2022)

Evinrude58 said:


> Don’t do anything. Let her work this out on her own. Don’t talk to her, discuss things, be her buddy, etc.
> 
> When or if she’s divorced, then you can worry about it.


She mentioned she wanted to get divorced and marry me within a year. But i held back from that talk saying its not good since your still married and i dint want to ruin your marriage I couldn’t live with the guilt. If it ever comes to the time where we start talking again i would like to be friends first with her because its been so long we both will have changed as people.


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## Oscar278 (Jan 10, 2022)

Robert22205 said:


> The next time she mentions suicide, call the police and have her examined by a doctor.
> 
> *Her bond with her husband is not very good and he emotionally abuses her and is not very understanding. *
> 
> ...


Her husband is a addicted cannabis smoker if he doesn’t smoke he is very nasty to her thats what she has mentioned.
He argues with her and twists what she says making her feel like she is the bad one. He squares up to her as if he is going to hit her. This doesn’t sit right with me because I’d really like him to square up to me instead of her, he would know never to do it again.

I have not become a wedge, she told me she still loves me i held back even though I still do love her. I mentioned i cant be a councillor or anything to her. She needs to figure it out then maybe if theres a chance with us we could revisit it.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Oscar278 said:


> Me (25) and my ex (23) were together from college all the way till 2/3 years ago. We broke it off because her parents were really strict and wouldn’t accept me as a potential suitor for her in terms of marriage. We are both from a Pakistani background and families don't like marrying out of the caste system (it is very outdated) however some families still follow this belief. It was a really good relationship and till this day i compare women i meet with her (they usually don't come close) we were best friends as well as being in a relationship. We had ups and downs as every relationship does but it was something that was amazing.
> 
> She made a promise to me when we broke up that if her families mindset was to ever change she would return and if i was still single we could maybe try again. Recently she popped back up to me on social media telling me she was married and that she got married a year ago. Im not going to lie it really did hurt me because I felt she was the love of my life. She told me she had found someone within her caste that her parents were happy with. However, she is not happy even though its only been a year shes been constantly thinking about me. Her bond with her husband is not very good and he emotionally abuses her and is not very understanding.
> 
> ...


Don't put your life on hold for anybody else.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

There’s not only one person you can love. “Soulmates” is total bs.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Oscar278 said:


> She mentioned she wanted to get divorced and marry me within a year. But i held back from that talk saying its not good since your still married and i dint want to ruin your marriage I couldn’t live with the guilt. If it ever comes to the time where we start talking again i would like to be friends first with her because its been so long we both will have changed as people.


Whatever the hell you do, do not do that! She sounds like she loves the drama of everything and will probably screw you over.

Keep her blocked and move on with your life. You're only 25, you'll meet someone else eventually who loves you enough to choose you.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> Don’t do anything. Let her work this out on her own. Don’t talk to her, discuss things, be her buddy, etc.
> 
> When or if she’s divorced, then you can worry about it.


exactly. It's like this OP wants to be the OM. Wow, I have seen stupid things on TAM. This one is one of the best of them


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Dude, don't they do some pretty violent things in Pakistan if you are messing with another man's wife? 

its time to let this one go!


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## Oscar278 (Jan 10, 2022)

Talker67 said:


> Dude, don't they do some pretty violent things in Pakistan if you are messing with another man's wife?
> 
> its time to let this one go!


Im from the UK🤦‍♂️


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Oscar278 said:


> Im from the UK🤦‍♂️


You are still putting your life on hold in hopes that the stars align. 
If she were interested enough in you, she would move her divorce forward in order to be with you. 
You are her plan b, if she opts out of her married.
You are a safety net for her to land safely. 
We can only tell you that you should move your life forward and get on with it.
If she is interested in you, she will move her divorce forward more quickly.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

No… you have now inserted yourself into her marriage!
Tell her to never reach out again unless her divorce is final! Anything less and you are just volunteering to waste a LOT more years waiting while she stays married!
IF she’s that unhappy she can figure out how to get divorced.
Stop being a third person in her marriage.
If she is suicidal she needs to call the emergency number and seek professional mental help.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

@Oscar278 I think you should let this one go, don't get involved with another man's wife (particularly a Muslim one) you're in the UK true, but that will not protect you from the fall out. I heard some really scary stories happen to men like you, so let this one go, and tell her to contact you once the divorce is final, then take it from there!


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Oscar278 said:


> *Her husband is a addicted cannabis smoker *if he doesn’t smoke he is very nasty to her thats what she has mentioned.
> He argues with her and twists what she says making her feel like she is the bad one. *He squares up to her as if he is going to hit her. This doesn’t sit right with me because I’d really like him to square up to me* instead of her, he would know never to do it again.
> 
> *I have not become a wedge*, she told me she still loves me i held back even though I still do love her. I mentioned i cant be a councillor or anything to her. She needs to figure it out then maybe if theres a chance with us we could revisit it.


Even though your both living in the UK she followed customs from the old country guide her marital choices which led to her marrying a higher cast pot head. Now she regrets it. So she reached out to you to see if she can use you as her branch. 

You have indeed become a wedge in the marriage. Right now you’re basically in an emotional affair. You don’t really know what’s going on between them.

It is so common for a WW to tell her OM how horrible and abusive her husband is. It’s all part of the self deception and marital history revisionism that most WWs do to The OM usually believes everything. Which is why you’re now in white knight mode. Is that what you really want? You really need to let her go. Doesn’t matter if you’re Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, etc, going after another man’s wife is wrong. If she divorces of her own free will and then later comes to you, that’s different but what I see is that she’s preparing you as her next branch to leap to.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She is proving she is willing to go against the customs now, but you weren’t worth it then.
If think about that a while.

I think she’s an opportunist looking for a monkey branch. Not wife material.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

IF she were concerned at all about YOUR feelings - she would have gotten a divorce before contacting you to complain about how horrible her husband is.

She dumped all her emotional trash onto you and expects you to carry around her concerns.
She’s really selfish… and she won’t make a good spouse. Be glad you didn’t marry her!


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

jsmart said:


> Even though your both living in the UK she followed customs from the old country guide her marital choices which led to her marrying a higher cast pot head. Now she regrets it. So she reached out to you to see if she can use you as her branch.
> 
> You have indeed become a wedge in the marriage. Right now you’re basically in an emotional affair. You don’t really know what’s going on between them.
> 
> It is so common for a WW to tell her OM how horrible and abusive her husband is. It’s all part of the self deception and marital history revisionism that most WWs do to The OM usually believes everything. Which is why you’re now in white knight mode. Is that what you really want? You really need to let her go. Doesn’t matter if you’re Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, etc, going after another man’s wife is wrong. If she divorces of her own free will and then later comes to you, that’s different but what I see is that she’s preparing you as her next branch to leap to.


@Oscar278 read this ☝ ☝ ☝ again and again please!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

She’s betraying her husband by coming to you and sharing their personal life. You know that, right?

She isn’t the kind of gal you should want to marry! She allows herself to be the victim - then cries because she is the victim! SHE has done this to HERSELF by her own choices! Now she should learn to live with the life SHE chose!

IF you end up with her - SHE will create the same dynamic in the next marriage to you! 

Ask yourself… why would you want someone who will portray you as the abuser and her as the victim? That’s what she will do!

Run run run!!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Kaliber said:


> @Oscar278 I think you should let this one go, don't get involved with another man's wife (particularly a Muslim one) you're in the UK true, but that will not protect you from the fall out. I heard some really scary stories happen to men like you, so let this one go, and tell her to contact you once the divorce is final, then take it from there!


It's a problem in the UK and violence and murder can be a result.


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## GaLaxya (Sep 26, 2021)

I believe her marriage is horrible.
She is used to abuse by her parents and hence to marry an abuser like her parents.
That's the way it goes. She apparently didn't even know that guy for long. Welll.. did she believe same cast means happy couple?
If yes, wouldn't it say a lot about her and her feelings towards you?

This is a tricky situation. But she comes from an unhealthy upbringing, if her parents were that strict. The believe in cast and obidience to parents for the sake of happiness and love, just isn't a good recepie for happiness. Worth then lottery...

Hence, she doesn't know what love is or how to love, if her parents put cast over her having a matching partner.

She is or would be torn between western world and its perception of love, but chose her parents abusive standardts over you.
As I said, people like this don't know what love is.

They are oportunists. That is the result of their upbringing. They choose whatever they believe helps them to survive and keep their face and faith in front of other belivers (family, culture members).
I am neither asian nor western. I grew up in a western society, but my parents were from a different culture that has a similiar believe system of cast and loyalty to their parents.

Therefore, I know how it wracks a person.
Those people don't know what love is.

They don't have healthy relationships.

You live in the UK. Get a more progressive woman. Not one who is a slave to her parents.

To me it appears as if her family isn't prone to violence. Otherwise it would be an different issue.

Just stay away. She has to sort her issues herself.

It is just confusing that suddenly her brother was allowed to marry I assume someone from a lower cast.

how come?

Maybe she was lying to you?

Maybe her parents weren't that strict?

I understand with boys such parents can have double standards. But this sounds odd.

If she is from a wealth or higher pakistani cast, maybe she is spoilt and thought she could do better then you.

No womsn with self respect or love is going to marry or sleep woth a man she doesn't fancy.

Women who blindly obey their parents don't have sel love or respect and make no good partners.

Sometimes kids from non western culture go the extra mile to impress their relatives. They want to proof they belong to their parents culture and become more radical then their parents are.
But the fact she contacts you while married is a red flag. If her family was so traditional she wouldn't dare. She would be in danger.

Hence, she is either plain stupid or a not honest.

Leave her to sort out her stuff. Live your live and date other women.

Even if she is in dangour and you think you love her. You'll do her a favour to lesve her alone and get out of the marriage herself then to help her.
If she is so stupid to try to dragg you into it and putting herself into trouble then you should consider if such a woman is worth the hussle...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Oscar278 said:


> Me (25) and my ex (23) were together from college all the way till 2/3 years ago. We broke it off because her parents were really strict and wouldn’t accept me as a potential suitor for her in terms of marriage. We are both from a Pakistani background and families don't like marrying out of the caste system (it is very outdated) however some families still follow this belief. It was a really good relationship and till this day i compare women i meet with her (they usually don't come close) we were best friends as well as being in a relationship. We had ups and downs as every relationship does but it was something that was amazing.
> 
> She made a promise to me when we broke up that if her families mindset was to ever change she would return and if i was still single we could maybe try again. Recently she popped back up to me on social media telling me she was married and that she got married a year ago. Im not going to lie it really did hurt me because I felt she was the love of my life. She told me she had found someone within her caste that her parents were happy with. However, she is not happy even though its only been a year shes been constantly thinking about me. Her bond with her husband is not very good and he emotionally abuses her and is not very understanding.
> 
> ...


Tell her to only contact you when and if she divorces and when and if she is ready to stand up to her parents -- and you are too.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

GaLaxya said:


> I believe her marriage is horrible.
> She is used to abuse by her parents and hence to marry an abuser like her parents.
> That's the way it goes. She apparently didn't even know that guy for long. Welll.. did she believe same cast means happy couple?
> If yes, wouldn't it say a lot about her and her feelings towards you?
> ...


Women do not appreciate sacrifices from men, when it's done in the spirit of supplication. If she did leave her marriage and married you, based on the information you are giving us, she would not likely stay with you or she wouldn't respect you. You need to leave fantasy land. 

You can tell her to contact you when she has left the marriage and get on with your life as if she won't leave the marriage, because she may not. Lots of people stay unhappily married for many reasons and you can't put your life on hold waiting.


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