# confused



## sadtngirl (Nov 16, 2008)

my husband and i have been married for 19 years. Married young i was 20 and had never really dated anyone but him. We have three children ages 17,15, and 6. For the past 6 months or so i have been really unhappy with my marriage. We live about 500 miles away from my family, but live right next door to his parents. For years the kids and i would spend a week at my parents visiting them and the rest of my family. This has always been a very sore subject for him. He hates for me to be gone a week visiting while he is home alone. For the past several years I have met my parents halfway between where they live and i live and they take just the kids to visit for a week. I have not spent any amount of time with them for years. They do come to visit me occasionally but when they come to visit my husband stays gone from the house as much as possible. My parents sense this and feel like they run him out of his own home when they come. His feelings toward them stems from words that he and my grandmother had about 17 years ago. My husband holds grudges and never forgives. I feel my husband is kind of controlling. I have no friends except the girls i work with who i only see at work. If anyone invites me to go to lunch or shopping he throws a fit. His view is that i am a wife and mother and have no business running around with a bunch of c**** and wh**** as he calls them. He does not even know any of the girls i work with who by the way are mothers and most are even married. I feel he has isolated me from my family and doesnt even allow me to have friends. I have talked to him about this but he does not agree with my view. states he does not have a problem with me going to visit my family if they would put in some effort to come visit me more. He states "your parents are retired and have more time and money to travel than we do, but they choose to use their money to take real vacations, you on the other hand only want to take a vacation to see them" As far as friends at work, he states if i would invite them over to the house occasionally so that he could get to know them and see that they are good decent people he might not have a problem with me going to lunch or shopping. He gets mad if he calls and i am on the phone talking with someone else and dont click over to his call fast enough. I work 3 nights a week, night shift 7 pm to 7 am. He also cannot stand this either. Explained to him that day shift would be no better, would not be home in time to cook supper, would not be home in time to take and pick up 6 year old from school. Just feel he is very controlling and sick of it. About 2 months ago i ran into an old friend(male), we began talking and then things went a little farther. My husband did find out and went ballistic. Never threatened to kick me out or divorce me, did threaten to kill the other man. Now all i hear every day is how much he loves me and that i show him no gratitude for how he handled all of this(not kicking me out). I have talked about leaving. He says if i leave he will spend every last dime he has to ruin me. At times takes the checkbook and debit card so i have no access to money. He does always give it back a few days later. Now he is bringing me jewelry and cooking supper but always asking for reassurance from me that he is a good man. I just feel that i have 19 yrs of resentment built up toward him due to being isolated from family/friends and when i try to talk to him about this being the root of our problem he wont listen. Says our problem is my infidelity. help


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

This is all very sad to hear.

All I would ask is - you have given us your side, what would be his side of it? Is he really no good, or have you slowly driven him mad over the years?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Do you think that your male friend has changed your opinion of your marriage?

draconis


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Your husband is not only controlling he is insincere, insecure and insensitive. Was he always like this or did it develop of the years? Reconnecting with your old friend while innocent at the start was leading you down an dangerous path that ended up leaving you feeling more indebted to his “kindness”, It has also reinforced his fear that you are untrustworthy. Personally my intuition tells me there is work to be done on both sides of the fence here. Are the two of you able to sit down and rationally discuss your issues?


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

oh sadtngirl. I also have a husband who sounds much like yours...mine is trying to change tho. One of the reasons my husband was so controlling is (and he wont admit this to me directly) he didnt want me to have contact with the outside world. He knew that how he was treating me and his boys were wrong..but he didnt want me to figure that out. If figured if he kept me isolated long enough, I would see things his way and believe that this is how it should be. But guess what? I made contact with the outside world and found out that what he was doing(and what your husband is doing) is not right. 
I agree with Amplexor...your husband is insecure and insensitive...call his bluff. Have you ever asked him why he doesnt ever like any of your friends? Make him answer for his behavior. He really has no right to tell you who you can have as friends...mine did that to me for so many years that I actually have only 1 friend left, and a great friend she is!
Other than the blast from the past you just met up with...have you ever given him a reason not to trust you? 
And I can tell you from my husbands point of view...he would tell you that he only did it to protect me...he never thought in a million years what he was doing was wrong(actually he did know....but didnt have to change because I didnt tell him differently)...until I told him I was done!


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

ok wait....i did not mean to make it sound like I was telling you to leave him....I just re read my post and thats what it sounded like to me. What I am saying is talk to him and let him know exactly how you feel about what he is doing. But you have to mean it and be strong about it!


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## magicsunset08 (Oct 30, 2008)

Sounds like the husband has put all of his eggs in your basket. Does he have any friends? Sounds like he sees you as a second Mom. You are not the only one that has been through this. While being married and together you both still need to have separate lives. We get married, have kids....cart them all over the place, ***** about our finances then look at each other and say..."now what?" It should not ever get to that point, but if you read other posts on here, they are virtually all the same to an extent. I would sit him down and tell him what you need out of the relationship. If you both can't come to an agreement then you know what's next. We all feel like we cannot go on because of lack of $$ or because of the kids. I do not think divorce is the answer, but neither is being miserable. Make yourself happy! Happiness is very contagious!!!


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## sadtngirl (Nov 16, 2008)

draconis said:


> Do you think that your male friend has changed your opinion of your marriage?
> 
> draconis


I do think he has changed my opinion. Just tonight there is a sign up sheet at work for our yearly Christmas party. Now I work with all women. They have a Christmas party every year(either at someone's home or reserve table at restaurant and every meets and eats.). Now I am not the only one who won't attend some have other commitments, however I am the only one who year after year does not attend because husband forbids it. States if he can come I can go (he would be only husband there), states it is unacceptable for a bunch of women to go out to eat together. My friend does not see problem with this, he view is I go eat with the girls, he will go watch Monday night football with the guys.


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## sadtngirl (Nov 16, 2008)

Have asked him to go to counseling. States he WILL NOT sit down and talk to stranger about our problems. Feel counseling is really needed. Feeling he is becoming very unstable. He is talking about life not being worth living, he is not sleeping, not eating, have found him sitting in the dark on the floor in corner of bedroom. He has pulled my hair once and choked me once (leaving bruises and scraped on my neck) over the last several weeks. He is threatening divorce but always intimidates me by saying if he files, he will make my life rough. States he will make sure everyone knows the wh*** i really am, will try to get me fired from my job, cause me to lose my professional license, and take my kids. He has alway used intimidation with me, its just that i guess after 19 years i have started to have a voice and he doesn't like what i have to say.


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