# How do you decide to stay or go?



## CaitieB (Apr 14, 2014)

I am in an awful place right now.

Married for a few years, "blended" (NOT) family, major communication issues (kids, money, etc).

Our relationship has deteriorated so much in the last couple years and it hurts so badly. The first MAJOR issue was a little over 2 years ago when I realized (a bit dense there) that he hadn't really spoken to my kids for like 2 weeks. Well after trying to talk and trying to get him to talk and finally throwing a hissy fit; he claimed it was because they don't do their chores when asked. He later "admitted" that it was because he misses his kids so much. I totally sympathize. I'd offered the year before to relocate so we could be closer to them! And still, if you "feel the same" about all the kids, how can you hurt them like that?

Since then, these types of incidents have kept coming up. My kids vs. his kids. The fact that he will put us in the hole at home to try to do extra for his kids (I do not have a problem doing ANYTHING for the kids; but when you have 60% of income going out for child support and have literally put us in the position of not having FOOD; I am going to have to put my foot down...). Lately he's making financial decisions that affect us without consulting me (buying a car for one).

He doesn't eat meals with us.
For the last month he has slept in the bed with me but under a different comforter.

We had a fight this weekend and for the first time, I stooped low too and he was fighting dirty so I fought back. It was very nasty.

He is sleeping in another room now
He will leave out of the room when I enter.
He won't talk to me directly.

I am simultaneously wanting to shake him and pack my kids and move out.

Today I apologized for allowing myself to get to the point of using hurtful words...with no response from him.

How do you decide when to give up on your MARRIAGE? I have felt that it's "over" I have questioned the start of the marriage. I believe in marriage though and believed that I was making a lifetime commitment. But I know I can't deal with things being like _*THIS*_.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

CaitieB said:


> I am in an awful place right now.
> 
> Married for a few years, "blended" (NOT) family, major communication issues (kids, money, etc).
> 
> ...


This one is pretty easy, your kids do not deserve this sh!tty treatment, so you get them OUT of this situation. I can only imagine how all of this is making them feel!  The treatment of the kids alone is reason enough for you to pack it in, but then add to it the things that he is doing to YOU...seems a no brainer in my opinion. I am just sorry your kids have had to deal with this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Caitie, don't do this to yourself. You and your kids deserve better. And we teach people how to treat us. You've taught him to do this to you by allowing it. 

Stop allowing it. Never accept another man who doesn't love you and your kids.


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## CaitieB (Apr 14, 2014)

I know guys. I know. 

I've gone through so many thoughts in the past few days. And I cannot rationalize it.

I hope anyone reading this understands that it isn't being stupid or selfish with regards to my kids. I've supported my kids alone for 12 years before meeting DH and bring home more than twice what he does. I know I can function and survive alone. It truly feels like being stuck between knowing I have to salvage the rest of their childhood; they shouldn't have to live with someone who can be so mean to them. And knowing that I *DID* take those vows and my marriage really does mean something to me.

BUT it's knowing that while I (of course) have contributed to the failure here (e.g., sucking at communication), these types of things are deal breakers.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Please don't keep a man in your kids' lives who will not acknowledge them. Do you have any idea how badly this is screwing them up? For life?


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## CaitieB (Apr 14, 2014)

turnera said:


> Please don't keep a man in your kids' lives who will not acknowledge them. Do you have any idea how badly this is screwing them up? For life?


Not so much until I finally talked with my parents. And my dad relayed growing up with his stepdad who didn't acknowledge them but was father of the year to his biological children.

I swear I get it. I just was in an in between place when I posted this. Thinking and thinking (and talking to my parents and a good friend) helped. Tremendously. 

I cannot do this to them. 

I talked to them yesterday and let them know that I am going to always keep them safe and protect them. And that they do not need to worry that we are LEAVING. 

Oh how I wish I had family here...I'd toss my stuff in storage and move out now. But I don't. I have to find a place to live. I've got several appointments lined up this week.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

> I talked to them yesterday and let them know that I am going to always keep them safe and protect them. And that they do not need to worry that we are LEAVING.


Caitie...You sound like a really good mom.

Best wishes for finding somewhere to live. I think you'll also be happy having some peace in your life....constantly living with that kind of conflict is so difficult.

Good luck...hugs!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I want to say something that many people will rail on me for. But it's important to me, so I'll say it. My dad left when I was 12. I found out many years later that he cheated and that when he tried to come home, my mom refused to let him come back. She never dated again, until many many years later, when I was in my 30s. I wish I had known that she wouldn't let him back in, it would have changed my outlook; I thought that HE didn't want HER, and thus I learned that women are expendable and I should not strive for much. I didn't find out until my 50s. If I had known, I would have valued myself more, as I later discovered SHE did. So tell your kids the truth, let them see your strength.

Anyway, the controversial part: I am SO SO very grateful that she didn't date while I was growing up. As messed up as I was, the one thing I believed after he left was that she loved me and put me first and thus didn't date, didn't choose to put another man ahead of me. I know that if she had brought a man into our home, I'd probably be dead by now, if I'd also had to deal with watching her choose him over me, watching her try to please him and hide me or shush me so he didn't get his feelings hurt about not being more important to her (as I see so very often in threads). My self esteem was bad enough that having to compete with some strange man would have broken me.

I'm only suggesting it because you seem to have a not-so-great track record on picking men, and I worry that you might, despite good intentions, keep using your bad picker and bring yet another POS into your kids' lives, telling them that, once again, you're more interested in your happiness than theirs.

Now, I am NOT - NOT! - saying that that's what you believe. I'm saying that that might be what your kids FEEL. And feeling is bad enough as to be real. My best friend growing up, her mom was on husband #7. Yep, 7. My friend was the babysitter, the cleaner, the maid, the everything, while her mom spent all her money on herself and her husband of the day. I'm sure that added to my worries, and I know your situation isn't anything like that, I'm using extremes.

I'm just asking you to consider maybe putting off finding another man for a few more years til the kids are grown.


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## CaitieB (Apr 14, 2014)

turnera said:


> I want to say something that many people will rail on me for. But it's important to me, so I'll say it. My dad left when I was 12. I found out many years later that he cheated and that when he tried to come home, my mom refused to let him come back. She never dated again, until many many years later, when I was in my 30s. I wish I had known that she wouldn't let him back in, it would have changed my outlook; I thought that HE didn't want HER, and thus I learned that women are expendable and I should not strive for much. I didn't find out until my 50s. If I had known, I would have valued myself more, as I later discovered SHE did. So tell your kids the truth, let them see your strength.
> 
> Anyway, the controversial part: I am SO SO very grateful that she didn't date while I was growing up. As messed up as I was, the one thing I believed after he left was that she loved me and put me first and thus didn't date, didn't choose to put another man ahead of me. I know that if she had brought a man into our home, I'd probably be dead by now, if I'd also had to deal with watching her choose him over me, watching her try to please him and hide me or shush me so he didn't get his feelings hurt about not being more important to her (as I see so very often in threads). My self esteem was bad enough that having to compete with some strange man would have broken me.
> 
> ...


Thanks for sharing. 

I hear what you are saying but I have to disagree for ME. My kids were both born before I was 21. Their dad was just as young as me and is NOT a bad person at all...just wasn't husband material once I grew up and he didn't. My husband is the ONLY man that has lived in the house with my kids. ONLY. The only other guy they've met I dated for 6.5 years and he died from kidney failure. 

But I honestly hear where you're coming from. This is what makes it very unsettling for me. I have not paraded men in and out and thought I chose wisely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh, no, I know you haven't. I was just thinking that if another guy were to show up in the next year or two, it might affect them that way. Especially since they'd gone so long without a man there.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There's a really good book I love called Getting The Love You Want, and it teaches about how we pick the people we pick and what it has to do with our own upbringing. Really eye-opening.


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## CaitieB (Apr 14, 2014)

Thanks  Really for listening and sharing. I need it.

I have to read that book. I love to read anyway...but I made a ton of headway in my late 20s with relating certain behaviors to childhood.

NOT that I think it's all "to blame". But I was so incredibly, crazy (CRAZY!) rigid when my kids were young...dinner was AT 6:00 everyday, no exceptions. We could not go to family events, etc if it would span nap time. things like that...

As a kid, we were poor. So poor. But we were a unit (an actual nuclear family!!!  My parents have been married for 40 years and I have 2 siblings). But being poor we were unstable. I came to realize I CRAVED stability and structure and took it overboard with my own kids. Looking back, it seems like a 'duh' moment but at the time it was eye opening.


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## CaitieB (Apr 14, 2014)

Thank you


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