# really really really need some advice about how long to go without sex in marriage



## ihatelife1 (Jan 19, 2012)

Hi, I am really really hoping someone can help me make some sense of my misery....he is the basic outline

my husband and I have been married since 2000

I started telling im in 2008 he was gonna lose his family if he didn't stop drinking and didn't start paying attention to me and meeting my emotional needs

he was a severe alcoholic and traveled for his job after ten years of what I felt was physical and emotional abuse from the alcohol, I ended up having an affair with a co worker it was basically an emotional affair and we never saw each other out of work 1 time..we never had sex but did kiss and make out and stuff, it was like a drug almost for me back then to do and say what I had to in order to get the love and attention I was so desperate for..

in December 2010 my husband found out about it all and called me at work and told me to come home so we could talk

I admitted it all told him I had given up and could not compete with his can of beer anymore

he choose right then and there to never drink again

and I choose to never return to that job, never speak to anybody from there ever again

we went to counseling and agreed that we really wanted to stay together and loved each other, through counseling and doctors we discovered that he was severe acute anxiety and was self medicating with the beer

our counselor asked both of us what our deal breaker was (what would cause us to be done and file divorce) his answer was any form of cheating what so ever emotional of physical

and mine was drinking again period

well after a year he started drinking again but only when he is traveling for his job and still almost 4 years later does not do it at home ever

I almost 4 years later have still never looked back, never taled to any of those people involved again, never cheated again, never nothing I promised I wouldn't do

now here is the problem:

basically his lack of love, physical, emotional etc was what pushed me away to begin with and when we decided to stay together it had all these rules,

there was no saying I love you till he was ready someday, I can never call him honey again period no matter what, and he couldn't do anything physical with me because he couldn't stop thinking that would be comparing him to the other guy\

I agreed to all of this and figured maybe I deserve the punishment for what I did, the affair was about 6 months

we had fights about the sexual stuff and he finally told me that just kissing someone to him is the same thing and having intercourse so the fact that we did not do much sexually did not matter to him at all cause as far as he was concerned we did "its all the same in his book"

I accepted that and still continued to do everything I promised I would

one huge problem I always had was I felt like he would only "want me" or be sexual with me if he intoxicated so I have always had low self esteem and felt like I was not good enough for him

now fast forward to 3 and 1/2 years later we still have not made love and have made NOOOOOOOO progress sexually at all we are basically roomates

EVERYTIME I try to talk to him about it he says it takes time...some people take 5 years to get over an affair etc....he says im trying, im scared youll hurt me again, im afaird ill be compared (which again im like OMG I have nothing to compare you to) then ultimately he ends up getting mad and says if im giving him an ultimatum to have sex with me of were done then I wont like his answer

I have explaned over and over and over and over again that it isn't the actual intercourse its the fact that we have made no sexual progress at all, hell tell me to get out a toy and use it

hell say well "it just doesn't work anymore im so hurt from what you did"

hell say I need a sex therapist I guess but never goes

basically never makes any effort to fix this at all

I feel like this is basically spouseal abuse and neglect

and if I say that...... he says im looking for a reason to cheat again 

and then says "well if I was paralyzed and could not ever have sex again would you divorce me?"

I just don't know what to do cause now our lives are fantastic except for this area, we are like best friends, communicate better then ever about all other aspects of life, co parent very well , etc

but I don't know what to do .....cause the emotional, sexual side is making me so so so so miserable and sad I hate life...

I am very touchy feely and needy and sexual and do not want to spend my life without that stuff,

I feel I have paid for my mistakes long enough

I feel like I am being punished

I am starting to resent him for neglecting me

starting to feel like if he is not going to satisfy me sexually then I should be allowed to get it elsewere

mind you I have never for one day pusished him in any way shape or form for all of his 10 years of alcohol abuse haven't taken anything away from him, or nothing

I am so frustrated I just don't know what to do anymore so I leave or should I keep waiting????????????

and using a vibrator and making love to myself forever is not an option for me that does not fill the love and closeness feeling you get from making love


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

In a nutshell: leave.


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Sounds like he is going to lord it over you forever.... whether it's fair to you ....or fair to him.... or not. 

To me.... if there is reconciliation... it's because you WANT each other. If he doesn't see you as a lover, a friend, a "soul mate".... then just go. It's like there is nothing really to offer each other any more. You tried. He may or may not have tried... maybe he is trying in his own way.... but it's not working. 

Figure out what YOU can do. You can't change him. You can only do your part. 

Go to counseling. If you can get him to marriage counseling, then do that. If not, go for yourself. Figure out what YOU can do.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I feel sorry for you, Life! You seem more than justified in feeling the way you do.

At this juncture, I'd recommend getting into IC, provided that your H won't settle for MC. I fear the latter is going to be a non-option because of his continuing alcohol problem.

If no progress on his part, however, is made within a reasonable amount of time, then you may have to extricate yourself from this marriage to find the love that you deserve!

Welcome to TAM, Life! Sorry to see you here, but you've definitely come to the right place for help and understanding!*


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

I agree 100% with SunnyT. Three and a half years of total neglect for you kissing your co-worker is ridiculous. I'm not dismissing his feelings; but if he truly can't get over that, then he should have divorced you. There is no basis for reconciliation here. 

Also, there's no such thing as a partial alcoholic. If he's going to keep neglecting you, and making you follow all these rules, then he should follow your original agreement as well, which means NO ALCOHOL. PERIOD. Whether at home or not. Fair's fair.

I strongly recommend that you both resume marriage counseling together. If he won't go, then that, along with everything else he's doing, is a clear sign that he isn't interested in fixing things. If that's the case, I recommend giving him a deadline to fix things before you move out of the house.


----------



## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

As a former wayward, I think everyone missed this one statement: "we never had sex but did kiss and make out and stuff". 

Trickle truth even here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ihatelife1 said:


> I agreed to all of this and figured maybe I deserve the punishment for what I did, the affair was about 6 months





Regret214 said:


> As a former wayward, I think everyone missed this one statement: "we never had sex but did kiss and make out and stuff".
> 
> Trickle truth even here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Who spends 6 months only making out w/o moving on to actual sex? Oh, that's right, teenagers do. Or do they...?


----------



## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

As s high school teacher I'd be willing to go with "Or do they...?"

So, OP what kind of "stuff" are you willing to admit you did?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ihatelife1 (Jan 19, 2012)

I fully admit what I did was wrong and in answer to questions, we never had sex because we never saw each other out of work , my husband has always had close tab on me anyway and therefore it was not possible to ever see each other out of work

as far as what actually happened

kissing, necking, making out, feel each other up pretty much things you can do without taking clothes off we never had our clothes off either

I agree it takes time for him to recover etc but how much time is to much time? that's the question

it just seems so unfair cause now he is just neglecting me more then he did befoe 

also since I always wondered before if he only was touching me because he was drinking and now that seems to be confirmed since he desnt want to touch me now when he is home sober


he keeps telling me it takes time and he does want it and I am his whole life and the boys are his whole life and he loves me more then life blah blah blah but it just doesn't make sense t me

and I am so tired of feeling so lonely

but I do love him more then life we have been together on a off since we were 18 and we are42 

I guess the problem is I can leave and have a sexual life with someone else and feel loved and get attention etc but they wont be him and the rest of life love and marriage I don't think I will ever find with someone else and it isn't that I want anything with someone else I want it all with him, but my god how long should I wait

and as far as the drinking on the road I agree that it should be nothing, because even on the road it still causes problems

I just sort of feel like I ve done all I can do and accepted all of his rules and let him do what he wants including drinking and don't know what else to do

he is only home about 2 to 4 days a month so says he has no time to see sex doctor or counselor 

when I see my counselor and other counselors ive seen they all say LEAVE

and when I mention to him that they all say 3 1/2 years is to long and I should move on he just responds with well if I ask 10 counselors about your affair they would all tell me to leave you also 

I just don't know feeling so so so so frustrated


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hopeless grudge holder with untreated anxiety disorder.... Unless he is willing to get REAL treatment for his anxiety which probably includes medication and therapy, what you have is what you always will have. If you can live with it, have at it!

3 years of the same treatment and neglect that made you vulnerable to the affair in the first place.... NOPE!

Time to look for a new place to live. Maybe then he'll decide that working on his issues is less painful than you leaving him.


----------



## ihatelife1 (Jan 19, 2012)

he is taking aniexty medication and has for the last 3 and 1/2 years but that also includes ambien so when he is in town and home he is coming home from work going straight to bed and then taking his medication by 8 or 830 and is out till he leaves again ....

I find myself feeling like he is miserable at home cause he cant drink here so he just has no motivation and just goes to bed and takes every chance to go out of town 

and again all of these feelings he just keeps telling me im wrong and he loves me and it takes time

I really find myself wondering if he is cheating but if I tell him its hard to believe he has gone this long without sex he says I have no right to talk to him about cheating cause he was the drunk and I was the **** and don't talk to him about something he has never done

but does it really seem unfair for me to wonder after 3 and 1/2 years what he does for his sexual desires

I am so so so confused I don't understand what to think or how to feel

I quit my job that day, never looked back, have done everything he asked since, have never gone back to work so he does not have to ever wonder where I am or what im doing cause im home, sold my car to assure I had a car nobody had ever been in you name it if he asked me to do it I did it 

would it be wrong for me to finally say to him hey I have a sex drive and what do you expect me to do with it?


----------



## ihatelife1 (Jan 19, 2012)

also if I make comments to the fact that his neglect is what lead to affair he tells me to accept my own behavior for once and don't blame it on him and he is not the reason I did what I did and take responsibility for my own actions....

well I though that's what I have done for 3 1/2 years but the resisentment is growing cause I feel like im being punished for my mistakes and am paying for them and being reminded everyday of what a piece of **** I used to be and I just want to move on from that mistake in my life

I don't ever remind him of my 10 years of hell and alcohol abuse or make him pay for it


ugggggggggggg so frustratingggggggggggg


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Do you have children?

Why stay?


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

And he would be right. He isn't the reason why you had an affair. But he is the reason why your marriage was so lousy and he is the reason why it continues to be so lousy.

You asked if it would be wrong of you to threaten him about the lack of sex.

I don't think you understand how things work.

What do you want in your marriage?

What will you settle for?

Can I you insist on him meeting your needs or you two go your separate ways?

Boundaries and expectations.

Read together with him the marriage builders web site. Emotional needs, his needs her needs, affair proof your marriage.


----------



## ihatelife1 (Jan 19, 2012)

we do have kids they are 10 and 13 and I do love him with all my heart but I want to be loved back this is the problem


----------



## ihatelife1 (Jan 19, 2012)

he says lots of people have no sex in their marriage and some people take 5 years t recover from an affair

and then asks me if god forbid he was paralyzed and couldn't have sex would I leave him for that 

so I don't know what to think

I just don't get it why he stays?

he knows I am a very physical cuddly sexual person and denying the one thing that makes me the happiest which is emontinal and physical love seems like toture and abuse but then I wonder do I deserve it for what I did? 

I wonder if he is just testing me to see how long ill go without cheating again or something


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

ihatelife1 said:


> he is taking aniexty medication and has for the last 3 and 1/2 years but that also includes ambien so when he is in town and home he is coming home from work going straight to bed and then taking his medication by 8 or 830 and is out till he leaves again ....


That's another problem. So he gave up drinking at home, but he's medicating himself instead. Anti-anxiety meds tend to kill your sex drive too. That's another thing that has to go, if you both want to return to normal. 

You say he's only home 2-4 days a month, so he doesn't have time to go to a marriage counselor. But he has time to go to the doctor regularly and get these meds??



> _I find myself feeling like he is miserable at home cause he cant drink here so he just has no motivation and just goes to bed and takes every chance to go out of town _


Once again, tell him that if you have to stick to this deal, then he should too. If he can't stop drinking, then maybe he has to stop blaming you for everything. 



> _I really find myself wondering if he is cheating but if I tell him its hard to believe he has gone this long without sex he says I have no right to talk to him about cheating cause he was the drunk and I was the **** and don't talk to him about something he has never done_


If he's gone most of the month, and not having any sex at home, then yes, you have the right to ask him about cheating!! Besides, he is already cheating in regard to alcohol because he's drinking while you are away. So as long as he does that, you have every right to question him. 

BTW, your husband needs to find a different job. Like your husband, I am also away from home a lot. But that only works if you have a strong marriage. Right now, you two really don't have a marriage at all. 




ihatelife1 said:


> I wonder if he is just testing me to see how long ill go without cheating again or something


That is possible too. Maybe he wants you to leave and is purposely trying to provoke you into having another affair. 

Here's my advice: 


Check his car, his email, and his phone logs for signs of cheating. 

Start making your plans to move out. Moving out doesn't necessarily mean divorce, but it sends a clear message that things need to change.


----------



## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

ihatelife1 said:


> he says lots of people have no sex in their marriage and some people take 5 years t recover from an affair
> 
> and then asks me if god forbid he was paralyzed and couldn't have sex would I leave him for that
> 
> ...


Get counseling for yourself to deal with your low self esteem issues.

3-1/2 years seems a really long time for him to still be withholding intimacy from you...it is to the point of it being abuse/retribution

He already broke YOUR deal breaker.

You both really need to go to counseling. You owe it to your kids to exhaust all avenues of healing before a decision to leave/divorce.

In answer to the red above in your quote: Why are YOU staying?

Theseus gave you really good advice.

He is only home 2-4 days per MONTH - what kind of a life do you have anyway?
He drinks while he is gone, yeah could very well be having an affair.

Often - the one making such an issue about cheating - pointing the finger has three pointing back at themselves.
One way to keep you where he wants you - is to accuse you whilst he goes out and does what he damn well pleases all but 2-4 days a month.

Regardless, counseling will help you. Get some immediately so that you can figure out what you need to do. You need to be a great mom to your kids.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Anon Pink said:


> Hopeless grudge holder with untreated anxiety disorder.... Unless he is willing to get REAL treatment for his anxiety which probably includes medication and therapy, what you have is what you always will have. If you can live with it, have at it!
> 
> 3 years of the same treatment and neglect that made you vulnerable to the affair in the first place.... NOPE!
> 
> Time to look for a new place to live. Maybe then he'll decide that working on his issues is less painful than you leaving him.


This pretty much says it all. He's not healthy and he needs to get help for his mental stuff. Until he does, he won't be able to be a good husband for you. Remember that he's just as miserable as you are. Leaving him, even temporarily, may be the impetus he needs to take that step and get help.

You don't owe him anything at this point, despite what happened. You're both adults; admit that what you have isn't working, and part ways. If it gets him to get help and become 100% alive, you can always get back together later.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

ihatelife1 said:


> he says lots of people have no sex in their marriage and some people take 5 years t recover from an affair
> 
> and then asks me if god forbid he was paralyzed and couldn't have sex would I leave him for that
> 
> ...


False analogy. There is a difference between wanting to have sex but physically unable to vs. not having sex despite being physically able to do so.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, he cheated on you with alcohol. IMHO, you had a revenge affair. He continues to see his "mistress" yet expects you to remain celibate. Time to cut Baby Huey loose. You deserve better.

In fact, trade him in for a younger, sexier model!


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

ihatelife1 said:


> ...he is only home about 2 to 4 days a month so says he has no time to see sex doctor or counselor...


Wait, are you saying he's GONE 26-28 days per month?! 

Wow, "drinking on the road" on a couple of business trips is one thing, but his "on the road" is practically the whole month, so he really hasn't stopped drinking at all.

I would listen to all of the counselors who have already told you it's time to move on.


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Is it possible that your husband was emotionally unavailable even before he stopped drinking. The alcohol will do this but I wonder if it wasn't just the alcohol.

My husband (of nearly 22 years) is emotionally unavailable and even from the very start I knew something was odd, he didn't approach me for sex. I thought he was being a gentleman but then I realized that he was into porn and that was what satisfied him. He also was into fantasy relationships but our relationship suffered because he could not relate to a real life person beside him. Sure he could joke and that was his lure but no passion, always distant. He too drank lots. When I first met him if there was a 12 pack in the house it would be gone that night.

We have been thru ALOT of counseling for porn addiction and trying to work thru the emotional unavailability. He was able to give up the porn and he was able to understand my feelings towards the emotional affairs he involved himself in....more like the lust fantasies he involved himself in....these were not mutual emotional affairs. He is on a contract for drinking and has been for several months now and is doing very well. As much as he has tried he is still emotionally unavailable, intimacy is not comfortable to him and he has admitted to it.

Your situation might be a little different. It sounds to me like he is holding this over your head, blaming you for his inability to meet your needs. Again, it leads me back to his issues of being emotionally unavailable. He might think this is all your fault but had he been available to you in the first place you would not have been seeking companionship. I have thought of an affair many times but not acted on the feelings. 

Being married to an emotionally unavailable man is very lonely. They are caught in their own world and they do not even realize it.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

OP, can you live like this for the rest of your life?

It's time for a divorce, I'm sorry.


----------



## ihatelife1 (Jan 19, 2012)

thank you so so so much for everyones advice and comments I really need other peoples opinions so I can figure out if its just me or if I am right or wrong on some of my thoughts....

he also takes valium on a regular basis so I like other peoples comments feel like he replaced his beer with medication

I also have had a talk with him that basically he was married to beer for ten years and I felt like he was cheating on me with his beer but all that did was start a fight about which one is worse and of course he says cheating is worse then drinking and say I wish he would of had a 6 month affair instead of 10 years of drinking

so no matter what period in his book what I did was worse so I finally said okay here are the 3 senarios we are looking at

1. we go with cheating is worse then drinking

2. we go with drinking is worse then cheating

3. we go with they are equal

but in the end no matter which one of the 3 it is the bottom line question still remains the same what are we gonna do about it

everything I read says withholding sexual and emontional love is abuse? is that true?

I have to agree that if he is phycially capable then that is different then if he was handicapped and couldn't like he throws in my face

we hug and kiss(peck) occasionally but that is about it, he will try and play with my chest a lot more now but then that is all he does is play with them till im hot and bothered and then quits or tells me to go get a toy so why would I want him to do that

im just really really hurt cause I do love him and have for over 20 years and I have poured my heart and soul into trying to make up for what I did, I just don't know what else I can do, to improve things

any ideas.....

or does anybody agree that I have more then done my part and he needs to try a little finally

like he was just on vacation and we went to the nascar race and spring training baseball in Arizona and were gone for 2 weeks and it was great fun but It was like hanging out with my best friend which don't get me wrong im glad that we are like best friends and communicate better then we used to, but really the emotional love and physical love is what seperates a marriage and a friendship to me

also I have not mentioned but he has a certain bedtime routine that he likes, having me get him ready for bed, tuck him in etc, get him juice for the night, snacks whatever and his bedtime routine and what makes him feel good and what he wants I give to him all the time...like on vacation he got his bedtime routine almost every night of vacation and not once did I even get cuddeled or anything I want....im so tired of begging for attention it makes me look pathetic the fact that I am overweight really holds my self esteem in the toilet ...but im not an ugly girl at all....

I really really really feel like what I always said he touched me all the time before the affair cause he was drunk and he has always told me that's not true well sure looks like it

I really want to test him almost and have him get drunk and then I bet he would be all over me that night

does anybody think I should test that theory

and yes I had the affair because I was so emotionally lonely, even though we were having sex a lot but my problem back then was the fact that he NEVER loved me and made love to me sober so it was basically just that sex

I want to be loved there is a difference

do you think I should test him?
give him ultimatium that sexually we need to move on?
just move out?

also any thoughts on why he stays with me then I also don't get that?

if there are any men reading this is it possible that what he says about loving me more then life and the kids and I are everything is true? even with no sex life?

im so confused 


just a side note...also 3 years ago when it all came to a head and he quit drinking at home and I stopped cheating he stopped talking to his mom and the kids have never seen there grandma since and he wont talk about why or tell me why says none of my business that's his family.....I don't think that's fair either when she is local and had been such a huge part of the kids lives.....her and I have never seen eye to eye but we don't have to like each other....she is still the grandma

the most I have figured out sort of is that she hates me always has and never told me and basically told him if he stays with an unfaithful wife then get out of his life....she has always preached that you stand by each other no matter what and if I wasn't such a nag he wouldn't drink so much ...so of course all his drinking was my fault even though he had 2 duiis before me and a son with his ex girlfriend who left because of his drinking....

I just don't understand why I am like a murder for what I did and his drinking abuse for 10 years was basicsally okay and get over it


----------



## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

In every post all I read is "He did...he doesn't...he never...he, he, he..."

Then, trying to get posters to side with you regarding such. This is manipulation at it's worst, and most everyone is buying into it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

By the way, you state that he had a couple DUIs and a girlfriend who left him due to drinking. What did you THINK you'd be getting? Sorry, but you need to accept the responsibilities of your actions, too. That includes marrying a man like that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

ihatelife1 said:


> thank you so so so much for everyones advice and comments I really need other peoples opinions so I can figure out if its just me or if I am right or wrong on some of my thoughts....
> 
> he also takes valium on a regular basis so I like other peoples comments feel like he replaced his beer with medication
> 
> ...


Lady, you are being used, abused, manipulated, and controlled by your husband. He has got some real issues and he is making you pay the price. you have to stop tucking him in and waiting on him hand and foot, he is a grown man. Quit falling for the guilt trip he is pulling on you. he is blaming you and you are treating him like he is gold. He's a user. I would suggest counseling for yourself to help get you out of this marriage.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I have to agree with Regret on this one. 

OP, you are doing a lot of complaining about him but you haven't once said anything that leads me to believe you really WANT to do this differently either. 

It's a stale mate and you're not going to get anywhere.

You want him to be more affectionate, attentive and loving. You feel like you have paid your dues, are a good wife and are deserving of having your needs met. We all agree that you ARE!

Now WHAT are you gonna do about it?


----------



## ihatelife1 (Jan 19, 2012)

in response to previous comment I absoultly accept full responsibility for my actions when I cheated IT WAS 
WRONG and does not deserve to be forgiven but move on yes if you want to stay together then you have to move on...

I have done all my counseling and changing as far as cheating goes...

and in response to the 2 duiis before me what did I expect well I agree to a point and was aware of it before we married which is why I brought it up back then I went to classes with him and he did not drink for 14 months(which I thought was long enough) and then I finally married him and he instantly that day starting drinking again and never quit...
sometimes I agree that is seems like I am being brainwashed and controlled but again why would he do that? what is he getting out of staying with me...im not rich, or anything else so I feel like he has nothing to gain by staying unless he loves me?

I really need some help I think everyone has helped me see that, I am NOT perfect by any means but I have busted my ass for over three years trying to make up for what I did, by doing everything he asks, stay home 24/7 no job no friends, gave up all my friends and job sold my car because the other person had sat in it at work in the parking lot, waited on him hand and foot listened to him go off on me for the year or so about what a **** I was etc even though we never had sex, I just want to feel like I have tried everything and gave it my best and didn't miss something....I guess still trying to figure out what im doing wrong?

maybe for once its nothing and its not me anymore


----------



## ihatelife1 (Jan 19, 2012)

do you mean I am manipulating him?
In every post all I read is "He did...he doesn't...he never...he, he, he..."

Then, trying to get posters to side with you regarding such. This is manipulation at it's worst, and most everyone is buying into it.
Posted via Mobile Device


----------



## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

I mean it seems like you're manipulating everything, including us. Read about gaslighting.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Look. You can't change him. Never could. All you can do at this point is map out what YOU need in your life, married or not, and head toward that. If you can't stay married to a loveless husband, then don't. Make plans to move on. If he loves you, it will affect him, and he will then WANT to change, to earn you back. And if he doesn't, then you'll know the truth - he married a maid/mother.


----------



## ihatelife1 (Jan 19, 2012)

I really honestly am not trying to manipulate anyone....I just need advice I don't know what I am doing wrong

I fully admit I was wrong and a piece of **** and should not have done what I did 

my problem is 3 years ago we made the decision to put this back together move on make it right for both of us and change what we did wrong and I feel I have done that to the best of my ability and he has defiantly improved also except we have no sex life and im lonely and I don't want to cheat again to feel loved....

basically im just wondering if it is true that it could years and years and years for him to recover like he says or it that seems like a little much to anybody other then me

I have been to 4 different professional counlesors and they all say 3 1/2 years is ridiculous so im confused

he just keeps telling me its getting better and its getting closer and if I give him what he needs at bedtime and stuff then I will ultimitaly get what I want back

just confused and looking for help not to be cut down somemore and I am not trying to manipulate anyone I was no saint either in this but basically for the last 3 1/2 years I have been and made everyminute of everyday all about him...that's not manipulation that's the truth


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He's manipulating you. A man who loves you doesn't say 'if you do A, B, and C, then maybe just maybe I'll feel like making love to you.' In fact, that's closer to what abusers do - keep you chasing the illusive 'right thing' so that you finally become what makes them happy so they can then make YOU happy.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OK, does anyone buy this after she gave info about her H's bedtime routine??? What logical person would put up with a spouse who literally demands to treated like a child at bedtime???


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My SIL, who just announced she's divorcing my brother, told me that he's expected her to do many such things for him. Because she's the woman and he's the man (barf). One of the reasons she's leaving him.


----------



## ihatelife1 (Jan 19, 2012)

hey im not asking to be ripped on or made of im looking for help and there are people that want stuff like that.... go look up ab/dl which is adult babies, diaper lovers, roll playing etc just like some people like sexual fetishs and being tied and wiped and whatever everyone is different....and again trying to love him and respect him through thick and thin and for better or worse, 

I was looking at it from the point of view that after this long I am starting to resient him because I find myself saying my god you get what youwant everyday but what about me

and it shouldn't be a well you got something now I do

its not tit for tat

its supposed to be a mutal nutering loving relationship

not all about one person

not to mention he doesn't understand why it is hard to be close to him and cuddle him or rub him or go to bed with him and not want something more...so I keep my distance or sleep with kids or whatever and then hes like come to bed at night

I just feel like a milkshake

im NOT LOOKING FOR INSULTS THOUGH PLEASE if you want to help that's great


----------



## ihatelife1 (Jan 19, 2012)

so you ask what spouse would put up with a man who wants to be treated like a child

well I guess my answer is a loving supporting wife who is willing to try and accept him the way he is and love him


----------



## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

ihatelife1 said:


> so you ask what spouse would put up with a man who wants to be treated like a child
> 
> well I guess my answer is a loving supporting wife who is willing to try and accept him the way he is and love him




Unless he's drinking...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ihatelife1 (Jan 19, 2012)

yes unless hes drinking that is the one thing I can not tolerate anymore it affects everybody and the kids he personal desires don't effect life completely and the kids and everything and I grew up with an abusive alcoholic dad....so yes unless hes drinking or a drug addict I do try to support everything about him


----------



## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

It is a slow Friday afternoon....

I don't know why I feel compelled to post on your thread. It seems you are seeking reassurance and sympathy. Regret is pointing out part of the things your H is seeing. She is helping you get his perspective. Reject it if you chose.

It seems you both are codependent on a stale, unloving, marriage with little trust. He is probably afraid of D because it will hurt him financially and with his children. Both of you probably are fearful of being divorced and taking chances with a new path.

It is my bias that he may never feel the same love for you that he had prior to the affair. You lost his trust regardless of the physical stuff/almost sex that you had. He thinks it was intercourse. Does it really matter? He knows you put him in the backseat. He is your plan b. He provides for a wife who is not in love with him.

Drinking can be a problem. Many people enjoy drinking. Maybe he is wondering why he can work successfully, be accepted by others, etc. while drinking yet be judged as an alcoholic by you.

Everyone has their standards. You should D. He can find a woman who will not cheat, and enjoy a beer with him. You can find a man who will not drink, and be willing to have sex with you. Win-win.

Men often feel like they have failed if they must D. He probably is just not sure what his future will be like as a single guy. It will likely improve as he gets perspective and time by himself to figure out what he wants.

Hope it gets better! It seems being in limbo is worse than going through a D. At least it was for me.


----------



## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

^^^All of that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

ihatelife1 said:


> yes unless hes drinking that is the one thing I can not tolerate anymore it affects everybody and the kids he personal desires don't effect life completely and the kids and everything and I grew up with an abusive alcoholic dad....so yes unless hes drinking or a drug addict I do try to support everything about him


This helps us understand some of the issue. You likely are projecting hatred of your father's actions on to your husband.

Makes sense. We often do this to our spouses.

We often say we have "unconditional" love. Truth is most of us never did. You are aware of it now. Both of you have failed to meet the others' conditions.

Start over. I really feel most couples can't move past cheating. Most of those who try (IMO) end up wasting valuable years of their lives. Second chances are easier with a clean slate.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Lovemytruck said:


> This helps us understand some of the issue. You likely are projecting hatred of your father's actions on to your husband.
> 
> Makes sense. We often do this to our spouses.
> 
> ...


First, we should never have unconditional love for our spouse. Second, she has no reason to start over with HIM, if that's what you're saying, unless he stops drinking. There IS no relationship, at least not one worth a damn to HER, unless he stops.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Regret214 said:


> I mean it seems like you're manipulating everything, including us. Read about gaslighting.


Regret,

I am curious what in this entire thread do you consider "gaslighting"?

And rather than attacking the OP and the other posters here, it might be more useful if instead you gave the OP some concrete suggestions that would actually help her out.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sounds to me like you are married to an alcoholic. In an alcoholic family system, there is plenty of manipulation, denial, and collusion to go around for all the members.

What can you do? Get a copy of Melodie Beattie's classic, _Codependent No More_. Read it. Re-read it. Work on the questions/exercises at the end of each chapter.

I married an alcoholic. Being rabidly codependent, and stupid too, I divorced the first one and married another. 

After I read Beattie's book about a million times, I got into serious counseling, I got into Al-Anon, and I attended open A.A. meetings.

There is an excellent website dedicated to addicts and friends and family who are affected by the addicts in their lives. It's called Sober Recovery. I suggest you check it out and drop in to read the "Friends and Family of Alcoholics" forum. Just go to The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com. Getting educated on alcoholism is the first step in the process.

So, I've gone from my in-a-nutshell response to this rather lengthy one. But I want you to read this, written by the founder of the Sober Recovery website:

My name is Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, are my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me; something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my booze/drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you, and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop using/drinking and follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I'm an addict. And that's what addicts do.


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

ihatelife1 said:


> I ended up having an affair with a co worker it was basically an emotional affair and we never saw each other out of work 1 time..we never had sex but did kiss and make out and stuff, it was like a drug almost for me back then to do and say what I had to in order to get the love and attention I was so desperate for..
> 
> I understand, but is was a physical affair, how small even.
> 
> ...


My guess is he is gay. That would explain all points.


----------



## loveadvice (Dec 22, 2013)

See_Listen_Love said:


> My guess is he is gay. That would explain all points.


I agree.

i have dated a guy who I later found out is gay, but is still trying to hide it.


----------



## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> It's a stale mate and you're not going to get anywhere.
> 
> Now WHAT are you gonna do about it?


I see this in so many relationships.... and I was guilty of this also so I speak from experience....

Look, all you are doing is avoiding the solution, because to you the solution is the great unknown of being alone and having to face a different future. So you embrace the now - which you know is never ever going to meet your needs. You KNOW he is never going to change.

So many couples drag themselves down this route of blaming and stalling, when the solution is just to accept that this relationship will never be what you either of you want, and you have to get out now, while you still have some chance.

Stop trying to assign blame, and stop trying to fix this. It's time to junk the shell of this relationship and get something new. You might have to fix yourself first before you can find that something new, and that might be something else that you are avoiding.

That is what I learned from my bad relationships.


----------



## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

See_Listen_Love said:


> My guess is he is gay. That would explain all points.


good point. I didn't read this until after I had posted.

All the more reason to tank this relationship. There is nothing there to save.


----------

