# Withdrawal Stage - a few questions



## frustrated001 (Nov 6, 2010)

My wife is going through the withdrawal stage from her EA. The last contact was one-week ago and she is depressed and feeling miserable - I read that this stage usually lasts 2 to 3 weeks. I suspect that she really, really wants to contact the OM just to get some relief. What can I do to try and support her through this stage? If she contacts him again, our marriage will be over. Any suggestions?

I also think she believes there is some sort of fate drawing her to this person but I obviously see it a lot different. Can her 'feelings' be clouding the reality of what the EA was? Or is it possible that this is the person for her? I suspect not given that he is in the middle of a divorce, 15 years older, and not her type - her words.

Any suggestions that may be helpful would be appreciated.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> I also think she believes there is some sort of fate drawing her to this person but I obviously see it a lot different. Can her 'feelings' be clouding the reality of what the EA was? Or is it possible that this is the person for her? I suspect not given that he is in the middle of a divorce, 15 years older, and not her type - her words.


I'm glad you see this differently than she does. Her emotions are certainly clouding her judgment - this is normal. When an emotion is strong, its very easy to reason from the feeling to a conclusion that "this _must _ therefore be". It's a logical fallacy - a major error, but it will also pass. 

The best solution to that problem is to understand that 'the person for you' is the one to whom you commit. That's because your commitment is what creates the marriage. And when you are married, you are 'for each other'. People are very eager to believe that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence: but when they get there, they just see still greener grass just beyond the next fence, _ad infinitum._ The secret is in learning that the working on the garden on your side of the fence is the key to happiness - which, by the way, is not a permanent, continual state of being: it changes from day to day, up and down.

As for supporting her: I suggest making sure you tell her that you are her best friend, that you want to make you marriage work, and so on. She needs you to be strong enough to be right there for her, and understanding enough to let her go through the withdrawals. As long as there is no contact, the urge will pass, the emotions will grow less overwhelming, and things will stabilize. 

At that point you can begin work on the marriage.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

If you are able to do it, I would STRONGLY suggest that you put aside your "husband & lover" hat, see if you can guard your heart a little, and put on your "Best Friend" hat for her. Envision the person who was her best friend and confidante in college, whom she'd stay up with all night talking because she could tell that person ANYTHING and she didn't fear punishment or retribution. If you can be that kind of "best friend" to her and even if she wants to talk about the OM or missing him, put an iron shield around your heart and help the woman you love get through this mourning period. 

I know that is a mighty tall order and not everyone can do it, but if you can, then she'll view you more and more as her hero and someone who was "there for her." Your goal is not to let her go on and on about the OM endlessly, but rather to actively go through the steps/stages of grief in a safe place...and if that safe place is with you, it will be something that kindles some love. Also, ask her if there were any particular things he did throughout the day to let her know he was thinking of her, and let her know you would LOVE to do those things for her--probably stuff like sending a little FB note, email, or poem. 

Another thing I would STRONGLY suggest--strongly, as in "don't look at this as optional: FIND A WAY"--is to get away for a while, just the two of you. You know that place you two have always wanted to stop? That swanky hotel or that cozy cabin you've always wanted to rent but never got around to it? That dog show she's always said she wants to go to and year after year she was "too busy"? Well do it now. 

If you are like most people, you'll think: "Are you crazy? It's the holidays and we can't afford a vacation right now! We have presents to buy and I need to work, and...." Yep. It is exactly that kind of neglect and "someday" thinking that got you here in the first place -AND- if you think you can't afford a vacation, can you afford a divorce? Can you afford to lose half your house, savings, property and time with your children? Because if you don't find a way to get this done, that is what the cost will very likely be. 

Now this "getaway" is not intended to be a romantic, Hollywood movie, love affair rendezvous. This getaway is for two people who want to reconnect but over the years they've slowly drifted apart and are no longer even friends. This getaway is to have fun together and remember that you can enjoy each other. So for this getaway, you go somewhere that both of you have always said you wanted to go ... or try... and the goal at the end of the day is to come back to the room or cabin and say "Wow that was really fun! I had forgotten how much fun you can be. I loved the way your eyes looked when you saw that..." Maybe take along 100 Questions to Ask your Wife, or get the book "All About Us" and fill it out together (this way you two remember "back in the day" when you were in love and all the things you used to do that you enjoyed so much..the "little things"). This getaway need not be long--a 3-day weekend would work or leaving early Friday-coming back mid-day Monday for 4-days--but the idea is to remind HER and YOU that you can have enjoyable times together and associate some positive stuff with each other.


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## frustrated001 (Nov 6, 2010)

Thank you both for your sound and sage advice. I will continue to be supportive and will work to be her "best friend". As for going away together, she has pretty much entirely disconnected from and any attempts that I make to re-connect with her are in vain. I see the value in this, but think that the resources needed to do this would be better used in the future, if we get to a place where we both want to work on the marriage. 

I have been giving her the space she needs, have been taking care of myself and our children, and I am being as supportive as possible. However, there is a big part of me that just wants her to come back to our family. I guess I just have to give it time and see how it works out.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

> Thank you both for your sound and sage advice. I will continue to be supportive and will work to be her "best friend". As for going away together, she has pretty much entirely disconnected from and any attempts that I make to re-connect with her are in vain. I see the value in this, but think that the resources needed to do this would be better used in the future, if we get to a place where we both want to work on the marriage.


Ah but I see you have missed the point entirely! Right now part of the reason she's "not sure" if she wants to work on the marriage is because her memory of the marriage is the Love Extinguishers: for example the fault finding, disrespectful judgments, financial troubles, neglecting to spend time with her, irritating habits, angry attacks or passive-aggression. In her head, right now, she associates you with those kinds of behaviors and treatment that made her vulnerable to the OM in the first place--and she's mourning the loss of the OM to make her feel better. Hence she has negative associations with you and positive associations with him. The more you try to "talk about the relationship" and "talk about the affair" and promise you'll change--the WORSE it gets, not better. So you want to be her friend to let her express to someone that she really HURTS...and if it's you comforting her that will be some positive association with you. (Sort of like this: "Oh huh what do you know? He was there for me when I needed it") 

Likewise with the getaway. It's NOT to be a romantic rendezvous. It's to say, "Hey we have both been through a tough time and we need a little break from the whole routine. Let's go do something fun--no strings attached. Remember how we've always wanted to go to Keystone and sled? Let's just go sled, have a little fun, and take a break from all this heavy, hurting stuff." THEN during that getaway just enjoy each other and be nice...like you would to a college buddy. Laugh with her. Watch some funny movies or do something a little silly. Again the idea is to get some positive association with you. (Sort of like this: "Oh wow, that was fun. I had forgotten that I can enjoy him. He's a kind of good friend.")



> I have been giving her the space she needs, have been taking care of myself and our children, and I am being as supportive as possible. However, there is a big part of me that just wants her to come back to our family. I guess I just have to give it time and see how it works out.


No, you've been giving her all the time she needs to think about the OM and pine for him, with nothing positive to fill that void! She sitting there thinking of him all the time, alone, and with nothing else to enjoy and fill her mind, she's thinking: "I am so lonely. This hurts so much. Why doesn't anyone love me? Don't I deserve to be loved too? I was so happy--why am I sitting here with someone I don't love feeling miserable?" You can see where that leads! Right back to HIM! This is why I suggest NOT "giving her space." I'm not saying be all clingy and in her face, but rather STEP IT UP! Romantic cards and flowers would be inappropriate right now, but a night of fun at the local pizza place would be perfect! Take her out to a new brewery--no biggie. Start a new game or hobby with her (like Dear Hubby and I play online games together with each other only). Start playing a sport with her or something she's kind of into! 

Okay think back to when you first met her and knew nothing about her. You saw her and thought: "Wow I want to get to know her!" Did you just show up with roses and stuff expecting her to love you and want to make love then and there? Did you do nothing, give her time and space, and "wait and see how it turns out"? Or did you arrange to "accidentally" run into her in several places, ask her to go do something fun with you, ask her a LOT of questions, really listen to her answers, stay up talking all night with her, and look and smell good when you saw her? Okay then...DO THAT. It's not romance per se, it's just being who you are, which is a man who cares about her!


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## frustrated001 (Nov 6, 2010)

Thanks again for your encouragement. A few more questions thoug. My wife says that she is totally discinnected from ne and doesn't love me any more. Since the final no contact,was just 1.5 weeks ago we have decided to give our marriage 3 months to see if things change for her. I am wondering if this will even be possible and what should I do in the meantime. My wife seems to be angry at me all of the time and irritated by my presence. Hence the giving her space idea. I guess I think I should start by just being her friend again?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Yep, exactly. So you tell me, frustrated001--when you first met her what did you do? Tell me some of your story (keeping some privacy/anonymity in mind) and tell me how you met, how she caught your eye, etc. What did she do at the beginning that was "of interest" to you, and what did you do to keep her interested? 

For example, my own Dear Hubby challenges my mind. He is one of the few men of whom I can say, "He is more intelligent than I am" so he piques my interest by discussing topics and theories with me, studying with me, and writing intelligently. We also read fiction books together, and watch select TV or movie series' together (like Firefly or Eureka or SGU) and we both share a darkishly funny sense of humor, so we love Monty Python and Black Adder. When was the last time you got all the seasons of a show that both you and your wife enjoyed (like...what if you watched "Cheers" together just because you used to when you were young and in love...all seasons in order!)? 

At the same time, try to think of yourself and think of the things you may have done to harm the marriage such as working long hours and neglecting her, or exploding in anger rather than walking away. We actually have a quiz to help you think of these actions--it's called the Love Extinguishers Questionnaire, and you'll find it on our Quizzes Page. Actually, doing all the quizzes on the page would be smart! Do one as YOU and one either ask her if she'll do it or do you best to answer as if you were her. 

Soooo...1) tell me how you met, what you did to keep her interest, and some show or movies you could enjoy together and 2) do the quizzes on that page and tell me the results (or PM them).


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## frustrated001 (Nov 6, 2010)

Hi Affaircare,

My wife and I first met 10 years ago. I saw her from across the room and had to go and ask her to dance. I guess there was just something about her, an essence that I was attracted to. She was also a single mother and I could see that she was a very good mom. She is also beautiful. In the beginning I would say that we spent the quality time together and I made a point of letting her know how special she was and how much she meant to me. I have done a lot of personal growth over the last 7-months and can see where I went wrong, where the love extinguishers came in and they were mostly on my part - mostly just not being aware of her needs and not focusing my efforts in the right place. I had previously thought that if I provided for her that that wold be mostly enough. Since the EA has come to light it has been like a punch in the gut which has caused me to re-evaluate my whole life and I can see that I did not put her as my number one - more like No. 3 after the kids and my career. I have since corrected a lot of my behaviour and can say that I am a more complete husband and I do understand the things she needs. At this point though, it may be too late. She is almost completely absorbed by thoughts of the OM and is disconnected from me entirely. I have been very patient through the whole process and have been trying to be her friend. It is hard because I just want to take her in my arms and connect with her, she isn't there and says that she may never be. My main thread of hope comes from the idea that this OM is keeping her from connecting with me and if she can move past it, we may be able to connect again.

I have done a lot of reading and exploration for my own personal growth, for my marriage and how to be a better husband, and about affairs. I can truly see how it began but I am having a hard time seeing why she can't seem to move past it, in time I assume she will, but right now, she isn't in the same universe as me or our kids. 

It is a tough spot to be in.


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## frustrated001 (Nov 6, 2010)

Seriously, can any one tell me if there is a light at the end of this horrible tunnel? It feels like I am stuck in hell with no way out. My wife just keeps obsessing and obsessing over the smallest details of her EA a,d it is horrendous.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Okay--what is she obsessing about? Be as specific as possible here. 

Part of recovering from an affair is that you do have to retrain your mind. So for example, at first she'll think of the OM fairly often...so to retrain her mind, she could make a rule to herself that when she does think of the OM, she should STOP...and think of you. When she wants to send him an IM or text--IM you. When she finds a poem she likes and wants to tell him..tell you. 

So let's find out what she's obsessing about and see if we can't use that same idea but in a positive way for you and the marriage instead of the affair.


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## frustrated001 (Nov 6, 2010)

Hi AC,

I think perhaps the biggest problem is that I don't think she is willing to entirely 'give up' on the OM just yet as she isn't sure about our marriage. It is like she is holding on to the OM so she will have someone who she can have around in order to transition in to her 'new' life. A soft place to land so she can deal with things while having someone there to comfort her. 

As an example, I deleted this person's contact info from my wife's work contact list, as the OM was her co-worker and she no longer works at this job. My wife noticed this and came unglued and was angry that I was invading her privacy. I understand that she needs privacy, but I believe that the privacy she needs should not include thoughts about or obsessings about OM.

As for the obsessing, I guess she is obsessing about her feelings for the OM, whether he felt the same, that she may never see him again, how good she felt around him, the things they talked about doing together, the last time they were together - which by the way was also the time that I caught them at a pub on a date. That was the last time they have had contact - about 2 weeks ago. I believe she is becoming deeply depressed and sees this OM as a way out of this depression.


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