# should i leave my marriage for my lover?



## confusedgirl1209 (Jun 18, 2012)

hello everyone. im new to this forum and i was hoping to get some unbiased relationship help. i dont even know where to start, so i guess the beginning is the best place.

im married to my husband for 6 years and we have a beautiful 2 year old daughter. we have been together for a total of 14 years- high school sweethearts.

My husband is a very good man, theres no history of physical abuse, possibly some emotional abuse...but i may be provoking that- ill leave that up to you to let me know if i am. My husband provides for the family very well and he is an incredible father... so whats the problem you ask? ill do my best to describe.

When i first met my husband everything was great, he was my best friend, we laughed and had fun, we never argued, but things changed. before my daughter was born my husband was seriously injured and was unable to walk for about 6 months. he had to have a major surgery and thankfully pulled through great, however he still has some lingering side effects. 
one of them being he was unable to have sex for a very long time. and he has days when he is in a lot of pain.

i stood beside my husband and cared for him the entire time. i was starting to feel a little upset about our relationship before i had my daughter, but once i had her everything was great, going strong till just after her first birthday. ( bout and half a ago) right up to then our sex life was incredible, and then it started to taper off. we began to barely even talk.. seriously if we exchange 5 sentences per day thats alot, anything i said my husband would do the opposite, its like we completely grew apart. he does not tell me anything that is going on in his life outside our relationship ( extended family issues, etc) i always look stupid infront of his family because when there issues happening i never know about it and i look like im just being insensitive not bringing it up, when in reality i dont know because he dont tell me anything. Worst of all we have some pretty strong disaggreements about how my daughter should be raised. for example my husband refuses to let my daughter cry heself to sleep at night, instead he insists on bringing her into bed with us. i told him never to do this and if we just let her cry herself to sleep a couple nights in a row she would learn how to put herself back to sleep when she woke in the middle of the night. ( theres no medical issues, she just doesnt want to sleep alone) so my husband brings her into bed with us every nightand then he continuously fights with me because his sleep gets disturbed because she is in the bed. he underminds my authority when it comes to my daughter at every turn he gets. im always put down when it comes to her. 

so our relationship has pretty much turned into a roommate situation we have barely had sex for the past 4 or 5 months. i always would try to initiate it and he would always come up with an excuse not to have it. he would always tell me that i wait to long to have sex and hes tired because he has to get up with the baby every night and i dont help him. ( my husband still has a baby monitor next to him every night. i do not hear my daughter in the middle of the night unless she starts screaming- she never does, what she does instead is get onto the floor and bang her head on the floor repeatedly until someone comes to get her. my husband hears this and gets her. i have told him to let her keep doing it and eventually she will stop. i have checked with the doctors and they said this is completely normal...10 different doctors said its normal. my husband refuses t leave her to fall asleep on the floor, so he gets her. i have told him that because i dont hear her he can wake me up and i will take her, but he dont...instead he fights with me that im horrible because i never get up with her. my daughter is over 2. i do not think a baby monitor is needed but he insists on it. if he doesnt want to listen to me, am i the bad person? 
it takes 2 hours to get my daughter to sleep sometimes, so at 11pm when i finally get her to bed i will try and initiate sex, im always turned down for waiting to long- not by choice, but im still wrong.

so fast forward to March this year.... I met someone and cheated on my husband. I was looking for the companionship that was lacking in my marriage. Its so terrible to feel completely alone even when your with someone. so i met someone who was also married. we clicked. we fell in love. he left his wife...divorce will be final the end of the week. he wants me to leave my husband. told me he wants to be with me forever. We are pretty much inseperable at this point. the connection is pretty incredible. he makes me so happy. so now im completely confused. i know im no longer in love with my husband... this Affair was coming for a while. i know leaving him is probably the right thing to do, but he is a fabulous father and i would hate to hurt my daughter, addittional my husband earns a 6+ figure per year. if i stay i have a very easy life. this is not so with my lover. i also do not want to hurt my hsband, its not like i hate him. i also dont want to hurt my lover who i have become incredibly connected to. should i stay with my husband who i am no longer in love with, just for financial secuity. i dont want to be unhappy forever, stuck in my marriage. its not a terrible marriage i just feel so alone. Even if i dont leave my husband for my lover, should i walk away from the marriage, give everything up? please help. thak you.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

should have left *BEFORE* you decided to have the affair.

got a few other things i would like to say, but i will keep them to myself.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Have you tried marriage counseling?

I don't think you should leave your husband for your boyfriend. Everything looks better on the other side. Go to marriage counseling. Give it time to work out. If it doesn't, leave but not for your boyfriend. Just get out and give yourself some time to settle down.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

confusedgirl1209 said:


> he wants me to leave my husband. told me he wants to be with me forever. We are pretty much inseperable at this point.


Forever, huh? A couple of married cheaters get together, and live happily ever after.  At the first sign of trouble, both of you will be wondering if the other has found another cheater replacement.

Divorce your husband ASAP. He deserves better than this crap.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

HI Confused -- I have a test for you and it's up to you if you want to do this. It is quite easy --- and I am not judging you -- but re-read what you wrote -- not once but a few times -- and tell me what the one common thing is about your thread.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Did you sit your husband down, or approach him calmly to let him know if you guys continued in the direction you were going, that the marriage would be over? Have you unselfishly stepped outside of yourself to see yourself in your husband's eyes and see what you have possibly done to help cause the problems in your marriage? Have you seriously considered the possibility that you might have been or are being selfish and self-centered? Or do you only blame him? I'm asking these things because I, myself, have done these things to cause issues in my own marriage and I'm now trying to dig myself out.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

confusedgirl1209 said:


> .... however he still has some lingering side effects.
> one of them being he was unable to have sex for a very long time. ....


How long is "a very long time?"



> i stood beside my husband and cared for him the entire time. i was starting to feel a little upset about our relationship before i had my daughter, but once i had her everything was great, going strong till just after her first birthday. ( bout and half a ago) right up to then our sex life was incredible,...... my daughter should be raised. for example my husband refuses to let my daughter cry heself to sleep at night, instead he insists on bringing her into bed with us. i told him never to do this and if we just let her cry herself to sleep a couple nights in a row she would learn how to put herself back to sleep when she woke in the middle of the night. ( theres no medical issues, she just doesnt want to sleep alone) so my husband brings her into bed with us every nightand then he continuously fights with me because his sleep gets disturbed because she is in the bed. he underminds my authority when it comes to my daughter at every turn he gets. im always put down when it comes to her.
> 
> so our relationship has pretty much turned into a roommate situation we have barely had sex for the past 4 or 5 months. i always would try to initiate it and he would always come up with an excuse not to have it. he would always tell me that i wait to long to have sex and hes tired because he has to get up with the baby every night and i dont help him. ( my husband still has a baby monitor next to him every night. i do not hear my daughter in the middle of the night unless she starts screaming- she never does, what she does instead is get onto the floor and bang her head on the floor repeatedly until someone comes to get her. my husband hears this and gets her. i have told him to let her keep doing it and eventually she will stop. i have checked with the doctors and they said this is completely normal...10 different doctors said its normal. my husband refuses t leave her to fall asleep on the floor, so he gets her. i have told him that because i dont hear her he can wake me up and i will take her, but he dont...instead he fights with me that im horrible because i never get up with her. my daughter is over 2. i do not think a baby monitor is needed but he insists on it. if he doesnt want to listen to me, am i the bad person?
> it takes 2 hours to get my daughter to sleep sometimes, so at 11pm when i finally get her to bed i will try and initiate sex, im always turned down for waiting to long- not by choice, but im still wrong.


Odd phrasing with the constant "My daughters"

If you hadn`t stated so in the beginning of the post I`d be certain this child wasn`t your husbands biological kid.

Don`t really know what it means but the fact that you keep using this self centered phrasing definitely means something.
Is this kid your husbands?

It`s just that I`ve read hundreds of threads here where people discuss "their" children and have never seen anyone do this before when discussing parenting unless they`re talking about a step-family situation

Edit: Holy crap and then there are the "I" statements!!

Honey you have to get beyond yourself and start to put something or someone before yourself.

I`m untrained in this stuff but the self centered statements in such extreme excess have got to be a sign of something not right in your head.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

Yikes. Good luck finding help here. You're not exactly painting a politically correct picture lol. However I will try to help you. Your first duty is to your husband. You should go NC with your lover and tell him you need time to sort out your marriage situation. Then go to counseling. You have a 2yo daughter. Jeez. Any other route is a world of pain for you. If you can find the strength to do as I advise you will minimize the damage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Of course your OM looks wonderful. HE doesn't have to change diapers or wipe up vomit. HE doesn't have to rescue you if your car strands you. HE doesn't have to hold your head over the toilet when you have the flu.

HE seems wonderful because HE IS A FANTASY.

Instead of dealing with all the issues in your marriage, you took the easy way out. What do you think will happen when your OM has to do all these things, and you gripe at HIM for differences in child rearing? What will happen when he has to answer the door when your ex-husband's mom comes to see her grandbaby? What will happen when HE is too tired to give you sex and you start feeling sorry for yourself again?

You can't run from your problems, cg - THEY ALWAYS FOLLOW YOU. Because they are inside of YOU.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just so you know, though, I thoroughly disagree with your husband's approach on your daughter and on her sleeping in your bed. But you should have been adult enough about it to find a solution, instead of running into another man's arms.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

confusedgirl1209 said:


> so fast forward to March this year.... I met someone and cheated on my husband. I was looking for the companionship that was lacking in my marriage. Its so terrible to feel completely alone even when your with someone. so i met someone who was also married. we clicked. we fell in love. he left his wife...divorce will be final the end of the week. he wants me to leave my husband. told me he wants to be with me forever. We are pretty much inseperable at this point. the connection is pretty incredible. he makes me so happy. so now im completely confused. i know im no longer in love with my husband... this Affair was coming for a while. i know leaving him is probably the right thing to do, but he is a fabulous father and i would hate to hurt my daughter, addittional my husband earns a 6+ figure per year. if i stay i have a very easy life. this is not so with my lover. i also do not want to hurt my hsband, its not like i hate him. i also dont want to hurt my lover who i have become incredibly connected to. should i stay with my husband who i am no longer in love with, just for financial secuity. i dont want to be unhappy forever, stuck in my marriage. its not a terrible marriage i just feel so alone. Even if i dont leave my husband for my lover, should i walk away from the marriage, give everything up? please help. thak you.



The answer to your question (in the title) is: "YES".

Your husband seems capable of looking after his daughter, so divorce and let him have primary custody. This way it will allow you more quality time with your lover.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

sigh


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Confused, let me get this right. So you and your AP are in love. And the two of you decided, with out any consultations with your spouses, you were going to change their lives and the lives of your children. Right? What was wrong with resolving your marriage problems first?

Well I guess it's too late for that now. So let's answer your question.

You would like to know from strangers on a marriage forum if you should stay with your husband or leave for your lover. We can give you advice but it won't be the right answer. There is one person who can give you the right answer. YOUR HUSBAND!!!
Tell him and let him decide about his life, for himself, instead of you and you AP deciding for him.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Oh and just for laughs, you should google information on the success rates of marriages born from infidelity. I believe the surivival rate is around 3%

Good luck!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Toffer said:


> Oh and just for laughs, you should google information on the success rates of marriages born from infidelity. I believe the surivival rate is around 3%
> 
> Good luck!


Actually the only verifiable research done on 2nd marriages born of affairs states they have a 25% success rate.

That 3% quote originated from a blogging BS that took that 25% and twisted the hell out of math to get to 3%.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Actually the only verifiable research done on 2nd marriages born of affairs states they have a 25% success rate.
> 
> That 3% quote originated from a blogging BS that took that 25% and twisted the hell out of math to get to 3%.


two different stats


the 25% is marriages born of affairs, meaning relationships from infidelity that survived long enough to get to be married

the 3% accounts for all relationships born of affairs


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## confusedgirl1209 (Jun 18, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Oh and just for laughs, you should google information on the success rates of marriages born from infidelity. I believe the surivival rate is around 3%
> 
> Good luck!


Thanks for the posts...i should clarify some things more. I didnt have lomg to type before. First off i apologize. For the editing errors... i was rushing. My husband wasnt able to have sex with me for a year. His medical issues are still occuring. I know that i am not perfect. I have done numerous things to cause problems in our marriage. When i say my daughter its just habit. She is his child. My husband was the only person i ever slept with up to march. I asked my husband to go to MC for over a year and he refuses every time. I actually just asked him again last week and he refused. I am going by myself now. I start next week.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> two different stats
> 
> 
> the 3% accounts for all relationships born of affairs


Where might this study be found?
I only ask because I`ve searched for the source of that 3% and could only find the afore mentioned blogger.

I even went so far as to post a thread in CWI asking where the 3% number came from and no one on this board could tell me.

If no one on this of all boards can give me that info I`m inclined to believe it doesn`t exist because these people know cheating like no one else knows cheating.

Edit:

I`d be wiling to bet that ALL relationships only have a 3% chance of success.

I know I`m at about a .000001% success rate with the entirety of my relationships and at a 100% success rate with marriages born of affairs.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

confusedgirl1209 said:


> Thanks for the posts...i should clarify some things more. I didnt have lomg to type before. First off i apologize. For the editing errors... i was rushing. My husband wasnt able to have sex with me for a year. His medical issues are still occuring. I know that i am not perfect. I have done numerous things to cause problems in our marriage. When i say my daughter its just habit. She is his child. My husband was the only person i ever slept with up to march. I asked my husband to go to MC for over a year and he refuses every time. I actually just asked him again last week and he refused. I am going by myself now. I start next week.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When will you tell him about your love for your AP? I'm sure he will be interested in fixing your problems then.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did you say "Husband, I'm cheating because I don't feel loved any more. NOW will you go to MC with me, or should I just start the divorce papers?"


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

confusedgirl1209 said:


> Thanks for the posts...i should clarify some things more. I didnt have lomg to type before. First off i apologize. For the editing errors... i was rushing. My husband wasnt able to have sex with me for a year. His medical issues are still occuring. I know that i am not perfect. I have done numerous things to cause problems in our marriage. When i say my daughter its just habit. She is his child. My husband was the only person i ever slept with up to march. * I asked my husband to go to MC for over a year and he refuses every time. I actually just asked him again last week and he refused. I am going by myself now. I start next week.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



MC does not work when you are still attached to your lover. I assume you are going to see the MC because you want your marriage to work. But, if you can see this logically, a healthy marriage does not involve a lover. 

Also, you'll need to inform your husband about your affair for your marriage to move forward. He'll want all the details. Note that the lies/half truths are worst than the truth.

Furthermore, you'll need to realize your husband will make up his own mind whether or not he wants to stay married with you.

Your having an affair messes up everyone involved, especially your daughter and husband. It cant be easy to fix this, but you never know, it may be.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Short answer ....Yes.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I am confused. You love the guy you cheated on your husband with but you want MC?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

You know what they say "When a man marries his mistress, he creates a job opening."


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Coffee Amore said:


> You know what they say "When a man marries his mistress, he creates a job opening."


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## confusedgirl1209 (Jun 18, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Where might this study be found?
> I only ask because I`ve searched for the source of that 3% and could only find the afore mentioned blogger.
> 
> I even went so far as to post a thread in CWI asking where the 3% number came from and no one on this board could tell me.
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nigel (Mar 14, 2012)

Don't forget about hubbies 6 figure salary! This actually makes you sound a bit like a prostitute. Sorry but any woman who considers staying with a man because he earns a few quid is pretty sad
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedgirl1209 (Jun 18, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Where might this study be found?
> I only ask because I`ve searched for the source of that 3% and could only find the afore mentioned blogger.
> 
> I even went so far as to post a thread in CWI asking where the 3% number came from and no one on this board could tell me.
> ...


Ao you are in a relationship started with an affair?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

A number of posts have been removed.

Let's keep it simple. If you cannot provide feedback without personal attacks or projecting your own emotional experience onto the circumstances ... than don't post.

For the OP ...

The feedback you are likely to receive will be harsh. This is a site geared towards preserving, and recovering marriage.

My 2 cents? Based upon where you are in the affair arc, and the content of your posts, it does not sound like recovery is something you want, or would be interested in.

I am further presuming that your intention with marriage counseling is to provide a forum to make your husband aware of your desire to leave the marriage.

So ... in short, decide what it is that you truly want. We can provide input and direct personal experience from there. There is a great deal of information to be found here.


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## confusedgirl1209 (Jun 18, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> When will you tell him about your love for your AP? I'm sure he will be interested in fixing your problems then.


I plan on telling her on tge first session. Contrary to most of the beliefs of most people on here i really am not a bad person. And i really dont want to hurt my husband anymore than i already have.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedgirl1209 (Jun 18, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

confusedgirl1209 said:


> Ao you are in a relationship started with an affair?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes I am.

I wasn`t married but in a very long term committed relationship that was heading towards marriage quickly.

I`ve been married to my mistress for 12+ years.

Our affair went on for nearly two years.

My advice to you is to divorce your husband if you truly aren`t happy with him .


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## confusedgirl1209 (Jun 18, 2012)

turnera said:


> Did you say "Husband, I'm cheating because I don't feel loved any more. NOW will you go to MC with me, or should I just start the divorce papers?"


Nope i asked him for 8months to go to a mc before i cheated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedgirl1209 (Jun 18, 2012)

Nigel said:


> Don't forget about hubbies 6 figure salary! This actually makes you sound a bit like a prostitute. Sorry but any woman who considers staying with a man because he earns a few quid is pretty sad
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ummm actually i would be leaving my husband who make 180k a year because im unhappy. In the end its only money. I want to be happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedgirl1209 (Jun 18, 2012)

I make 75k a year. Its good but i nedd to make sure my daughter is financially secure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

confusedgirl1209 said:


> And i really dont want to hurt my husband anymore than i already have.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then stop cheating. Tell your lover you can no longer have any contact with him until you figure out what is going on with your marriage. You owe your husband AT LEAST that much.

If your lover is all that, he will wait for you to sort out your sh*t. But to have ANY kind of relationship discussions with your husband while you are still cheating is unfair, dishonest, and immoral. I don't think you're a bad person. But you have moved over to the 'dark side' and any steps you now take that you wouldn't admit to your own father are WRONG.

Do the right thing. If lover really loves you, he will respect you for it and wait.


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## confusedgirl1209 (Jun 18, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Yes I am.
> 
> I wasn`t married but in a very long term committed relationship that was heading towards marriage quickly.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

confusedgirl1209 said:


> Nope i asked him for 8months to go to a mc before i cheated.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 See, you're supposed to say "I'm going to LEAVE you if you don't go to therapy." Not cheat and then say it's his fault because he wouldn't go to therapy. That's a mindset.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Divorce your husband as painlessly as possible. Let him go live his life. He deserves to.

be aware how seldom it works for affair partners when it comes to having a real relationship.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

confusedgirl1209 said:


> I plan on telling her on tge first session. Contrary to most of the beliefs of most people on here i really am not a bad person. And i really dont want to hurt my husband anymore than i already have.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Confused, I don't think your a bad person. I think you made a bad decision to cheat. If your marriage made you feel so bad that you had to cheat to feel good, you could have told your husband you want it to end. Now all you have done was deceive him and complicate your lives even more. He needs to know what has happened. And he has a some right to have a say in his life. Even if you don't want to reconcile with him. Glad you have plans to tell him. Doing it in front of a councilor is good too. But MC for reconciliation is worthless while you are with your AP.

Edit; You not a bad person, but your acted badly. You were weak. Now others will have to pay for it.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

confusedgirl1209 said:


> Nope i asked him for 8months to go to a mc before i cheated.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


8 months! So after he said NO the first time, you thought you would just keep bugging him and that would change his mind? Sure he could have gone with you. He probably should have done. But I wish people would find the strength to ESCALATE when something is that IMPORTANT to them. Don't live in an intolerable situation and just keep whining about it. HAVE THE COURAGE TO CREATE A CHANGE!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

confusedgirl1209 said:


> I make 75k a year. Its good but i nedd to make sure my daughter is financially secure.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry, but this is an excuse. You make good money, and your husband will contribute child support from his even better job.

Tell him the truth. Nothing he has done (based on your descriptions) deserves having his wife cheat on him. So come clean, tell him your mistakes, and tell him that you want a divorce. Stand up, put on your big girl panties, and face the consequences of your choices. Set him free to find happiness - he deserves it.

I don't know if you are a bad person, but right now you are not acting as a good one. Set an example for your daughter starting now. You can't change the past, so start now to become the person that you want to be, so that you can look yourself in the mirror. You deserve that, as does your daughter.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Wow, this thread blew up fast!

Leave your husband. He deserves better, even if you believe yourself justified in cheating on him.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Confused, just one more thing for thought. Your contemplating choosing your AP of 3 1/2 months over your husband of 6 years. 

And the difference is more that just time. 

In his short time period, your AP has not had to deal with the everyday responsibility of you family, he only has to have fun and enjoy your company. Your husband on the other hand has had 6 years of all the 24/7 a marriage and child brings.


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## confusedgirl1209 (Jun 18, 2012)

turnera said:


> Then stop cheating. Tell your lover you can no longer have any contact with him until you figure out what is going on with your marriage. You owe your husband AT LEAST that much.
> 
> If your lover is all that, he will wait for you to sort out your sh*t. But to have ANY kind of relationship discussions with your husband while you are still cheating is unfair, dishonest, and immoral. I don't think you're a bad person. But you have moved over to the 'dark side' and any steps you now take that you wouldn't admit to your own father are WRONG.
> 
> Do the right thing. If lover really loves you, he will respect you for it and wait.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedgirl1209 (Jun 18, 2012)

Thank you for your post
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I don't care if you leave your husband or not, but I can't believe you think it is okay to leave a 2 year old alone to bang her head on the floor until she gives up. That is cruel. 

If you have really taken her to see ten doctors and they've told you it's perfectly normal, which I find hard to believe, then you need some better advice. Head banging in children is very often a sign of emotional distress, sensory processing difficulties and autism.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Sorry, but this is an excuse. You make good money, and your husband will contribute child support from his even better job.
> .


Why should she get the daughter? It sounds like the husband is a very devoted father. Much better than the AP would be. She can divorce her husband, but the kid should stay with dad. The daughter didn't cheat and leave the marriage, why should she be taken fom her father and her father cast off?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Lyris said:


> I don't care if you leave your husband or not, but I can't believe you think it is okay to leave a 2 year old alone to bang her head on the floor until she gives up. That is cruel.


Wait, what? How did I miss that?

OP, head banging is NOT normal. Please take her to a specialist in childhood disorders.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

confusedgirl1209 said:


> *I plan on telling her on tge first session.* Contrary to most of the beliefs of most people on here i really am not a bad person. And i really dont want to hurt my husband anymore than i already have.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The question wasn't when do you plan to tell HER, but HIM. Fine, tell the MC at the first session. But when are you telling *YOUR HUSBAND*?????

Oh, and it is NOT normal for a child to bang her head on the floor. Get her to a doctor who knows what he is talking about!


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

confusedgirl1209 said:


> he left his wife...divorce will be final the end of the week. he wants me to leave my husband. told me he wants to be with me forever.


Do you know all the particulars of why his marriage went south or do you just take what he says as gospel? No offense,but cheaters lie.He would be the last person to talk to about love in terms of forever.That's a term you both probably used at one time with your respective spouses.Sad really.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> Oh, and it is NOT normal for a child to bang her head on the floor. Get her to a doctor who knows what he is talking about!


:iagree:

I would never be able to allow any child to continually bang their head on the floor!


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

nfused. i know im no longer in love with my husband... this Affair was coming for a while. i know leaving him is probably the right thing to do, but he is a fabulous father and i would hate to hurt my daughter, addittional my husband earns a 6+ figure per year. if i stay i have a very easy life. this is not so with my lover. i also do not want to hurt my hsband, its not like i hate him. i also dont want to hurt my lover who i have become incredibly connected to. should "i stay with my husband who i am no longer in love with, just for financial secuity. i dont want to be unhappy forever, stuck in my marriage. its not a terrible marriage i just feel so alone. Even if i dont leave my husband for my lover, should i walk away from the marriage, give everything up? please help. thak you."

NEVER leave a six figure salary behind. If you can find the right lawyer with connections to the judge handling your case, you can take it with you.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

hookares said:


> nfused. i know im no longer in love with my husband... this Affair was coming for a while. i know leaving him is probably the right thing to do, but he is a fabulous father and i would hate to hurt my daughter, addittional my husband earns a 6+ figure per year. if i stay i have a very easy life. this is not so with my lover. i also do not want to hurt my hsband, its not like i hate him. i also dont want to hurt my lover who i have become incredibly connected to. should "i stay with my husband who i am no longer in love with, just for financial secuity. i dont want to be unhappy forever, stuck in my marriage. its not a terrible marriage i just feel so alone. Even if i dont leave my husband for my lover, should i walk away from the marriage, give everything up? please help. thak you."
> 
> NEVER leave a six figure salary behind. If you can find the right lawyer with connections to the judge handling your case, you can take it with you.


Yeah that struck me too. She's using her husband for money and her lover for sex. Basically what's going to happen is her husband will cut her off and her lover might also when he feels the fallout. Karma's a ***** sometimes.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

hookares said:


> NEVER leave a six figure salary behind. If you can find the right lawyer with connections to the judge handling your case, you can take it with you.



What?

She also makes a good salary.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

aug said:


> What?
> 
> She also makes a good salary.


I think hookares point was, if she can be this mercenary, why not go all the way?


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## confusedgirl1209 (Jun 18, 2012)

Lyris said:


> I don't care if you leave your husband or not, but I can't believe you think it is okay to leave a 2 year old alone to bang her head on the floor until she gives up. That is cruel.
> 
> If you have really taken her to see ten doctors and they've told you it's perfectly normal, which I find hard to believe, then you need some better advice. Head banging in children is very often a sign of emotional distress, sensory processing difficulties and autism.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedgirl1209 (Jun 18, 2012)

I appreciate your concern. I have seen several doctirs including specialists. My daughter is above average intelligence ...she puts her hands under her head so she dont hurt herself. Every dr told me it is normal she will grow out of it. She does not do it to the point she hurts herself...never has any black n blues or scrapes or anything. She does it to sooth herself n put herself to sleep. Every doctor haa said ugnore it and she will stop doing it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedgirl1209 (Jun 18, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Why should she get the daughter? It sounds like the husband is a very devoted father. Much better than the AP would be. She can divorce her husband, but the kid should stay with dad. The daughter didn't cheat and leave the marriage, why should she be taken fom her father and her father cast off?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedgirl1209 (Jun 18, 2012)

He is an excellent father and i would never prevent him from ever seeing her but there is no way he will get full custody. She will reside with me. Just because i had an affair does not make me a bad mother. I take care of my daughter very well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

troll?


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## confusedgirl1209 (Jun 18, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> The question wasn't when do you plan to tell HER, but HIM. Fine, tell the MC at the first session. But when are you telling *YOUR HUSBAND*?????
> 
> Oh, and it is NOT normal for a child to bang her head on the floor. Get her to a doctor who knows what he is talking about!


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedgirl1209 (Jun 18, 2012)

I will tell him when he comes to mc with me.
I have brought her to specialists. There is nothing wrong with her... had numerous tests her brain is completely fine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

Confused, you have *no idea *what I would really like to tell you since Im going through this myself. I will tell you this, you need to lay it all out on the table. EVERYTHING! I agree with a lot of others, let him decide. He will probably consider you damaged goods and not worth any effort to continue. What you have done is unacceptable and selfish. When you wake up from your fog, you will look around and ask.. what did I do? 

If you do D him, have fun with your new man, Im sure you wont have any trust issues with each other whatsoever.. 

Like I said, I dont want to get banned so Im holding my tongue.


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## confusedgirl1209 (Jun 18, 2012)

TBT said:


> Do you know all the particulars of why his marriage went south or do you just take what he says as gospel? No offense,but cheaters lie.He would be the last person to talk to about love in terms of forever.That's a term you both probably used at one time with your respective spouses.Sad really.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedgirl1209 (Jun 18, 2012)

Yes i know what the circumstances were from his divorce not just from him but also from the conversations i have heard (both enda) i seen video of some things and i have also heard from many of his friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

confusedgirl1209 said:


> He is an excellent father and i would never prevent him from ever seeing her but there is no way he will get full custody. *She will reside with me.* Just because i had an affair does not make me a bad mother. I take care of my daughter very well.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She will reside with you IF the COURTS say she will. It's not up to YOU. If you choose to divorce your husband, the courts decide what is best for the child. Honestly, based on what you have posted, I would side with her father. And that does not include the info about you cheating. Your husband could very easily stipulate that he does not want any of your boyfriends coming around your daughter unless/until you are engaged at the very least. I've seen that happen many times.


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## confusedgirl1209 (Jun 18, 2012)

hookares said:


> nfused. i know im no longer in love with my husband... this Affair was coming for a while. i know leaving him is probably the right thing to do, but he is a fabulous father and i would hate to hurt my daughter, addittional my husband earns a 6+ figure per year. if i stay i have a very easy life. this is not so with my lover. i also do not want to hurt my hsband, its not like i hate him. i also dont want to hurt my lover who i have become incredibly connected to. should "i stay with my husband who i am no longer in love with, just for financial secuity. i dont want to be unhappy forever, stuck in my marriage. its not a terrible marriage i just feel so alone. Even if i dont leave my husband for my lover, should i walk away from the marriage, give everything up? please help. thak you."
> 
> NEVER leave a six figure salary behind. If you can find the right lawyer with connections to the judge handling your case, you can take it with you.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedgirl1209 (Jun 18, 2012)

Im not really worried i know exactly what i an entitled to under the law. I just want my daughter taken care of. Its just money.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedgirl1209 (Jun 18, 2012)

bradt said:


> Yeah that struck me too. She's using her husband for money and her lover for sex. Basically what's going to happen is her husband will cut her off and her lover might also when he feels the fallout. Karma's a ***** sometimes.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedgirl1209 (Jun 18, 2012)

Im not using my husband for money...in fact i put him.through school and struggled working and getting my own degree when he got his mba..spent overr $100000. On my own money to get him through school. So im not using anyone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

You say you're no longer in love with your H, so MC would probably be futile. This being the case, it might be in both your interests to divorce.

As for custody of your daughter, this is something for the Court to decide. These days, mothers don't automatically get custody of their children...


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## confusedgirl1209 (Jun 18, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> She will reside with you IF the COURTS say she will. It's not up to YOU. If you choose to divorce your husband, the courts decide what is best for the child. Honestly, based on what you have posted, I would side with her father. And that does not include the info about you cheating. Your husband could very easily stipulate that he does not want any of your boyfriends coming around your daughter unless/until you are engaged at the very least. I've seen that happen many times.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedgirl1209 (Jun 18, 2012)

Interesting post but i know what i am entitled to. I know what he can and can not stipulate. I am not an unfit mother. In state if new york mother always gets the kid unless proven unfit. Im far from unfit. I take care of her extremely well. I earn a good living. Never did drugs and i dont drink. Her father borders alcoholic at times. Im npt looking to take her away. I wrk for the courts. I know the law.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Some really good articles for you to read about the affair you're in and what 'reality' is:

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity

Still dealing with affair fog « Not Over It

Surviving Infidelity: Understanding the Fog


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Respectfully, have you made your choice?

I'm presuming you intend to end the marriage.


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## MadeInMichigan (May 8, 2012)

wow i dont wanna get banned either for saying how worthless you are so i wont
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> She will reside with you IF the COURTS say she will. It's not up to YOU. If you choose to divorce your husband, the courts decide what is best for the child. Honestly, based on what you have posted, I would side with her father. And that does not include the info about you cheating. Your husband could very easily stipulate that he does not want any of your boyfriends coming around your daughter unless/until you are engaged at the very least. I've seen that happen many times.


One of the first things I did in my divorce was get a paramour clause stipulating that my ex was not to have any BF around the kids.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Part of the issue here, is that by virtue of how you titled the thread, it sounds like you are struggling with whether or not to try to save, or leave your marriage.

Based upon the information you have provided, that does not appear to be the case ... which when it comes down to it, is absolutely fine.

However, for many of the betrayed spouses here, your attitude seems particularly cavalier ... which can be challenging.

I do hope you stay, read and post, but ... as for this thread; I'm closing it. It will only continue to attract negative attention, attacks on you ... and more bans. We'll see where things stand in a few days.


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