# He's not sure I'm the one...



## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

But he's not sure I'm not. He desperately wants children of his own, but not so sure if I'm the one he wants to mother said children. 

What do I do now?

We've been together for 3 years and we do live together with my children from a previous marriage. I'll also note that we unexpectedly got pregnant in June, lost the baby in August. 

I'm just lost. I'm finding that I no longer recognize the woman in the mirror. There's more to our history, just figured I'd start here.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You need to provide more background for posters to help you with. How old are you and your boyfriend? Do you work? How many children do you have and how many does he have? How old are they?

You said that you are lost and doesn't recognize the woman in the mirror. Can you expand on this?


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## Methuselah (Nov 24, 2014)

lostlady1234 said:


> But he's not sure I'm not. He desperately wants children of his own, but not so sure if I'm the one he wants to mother said children.


Sounds like he's giving you the excuse he will use the end the relationship at some point in the future. 



lostlady1234 said:


> What do I do now?


Talk to him and ask him why he feels that way perhaps?




lostlady1234 said:


> There's more to our history


Which is probably the source of his indecision.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

The one and not the ones are just ideas. It is more about attraction and compatibility. Most people thought that they are with the one, only to have the one cheat, and another the one comes along. Some people are lucky that they find someone that matches them well. How much work and communication goes into your relationship. When we have understanding and a connection, plus the attraction, we feel love. Usually the first step of falling out of love is poor communication.


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## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

I can only echo the others. More background info please.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You should not have sex with a man who says this to you.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

Thank you all for responding. I'm working today so it may take a bit to keep up. 

We are 34 and 35. We have no children together and I have 3 from a previous marriage. They love him, he loves them, etc. He tells people he has 3 kids if/when asked. 

We have no drama with his ex and we did have tons with mine the first 2 years we were together. Things have improved though and that's no longer an issue. During all of that though, he did nearly cheat. I still say he did cheat. It felt like he cheated. There was no physical contact. There was a lot of talking on the phone and texting. For a long time I wasn't sure if I would trust him again. Things have improved in that area as well.

His reason for talking with the other girl was that he needed someone to talk to. 

I did leave him earlier this year. Well, I left for a few days while the kids were visiting their dad. My BF had left his phone at home and he had changed the screen lock that week. I felt nervous about it and broke into the phone with his google acct. Sure enough, he had been texting another. This time his ex wife. So I left. While I was away for those few days he talked a lot with his ex wife, about me, and another girl that use to want to date him. To sum it up, he told me I could stay at his place until I could get my own place for the kids and me. 

That was the plan. Needless to say, he became regretful, sorry, wanted to work on things, etc. We talked. A lot. And we still do talk a lot. We don't fight. If either raises their voice or gets angry we're quick to end that. It gets us nowhere.

Things were going very well until we lost the baby in August. That was a complete shock-the pregnancy and then the loss. I guess we are both rethinking everything at this point. 

Because of his lying, the other girls, hurtful things he has said about how I look now have changed the way I view myself. I feel not good enough. I know this isn't true. I am a very good person. I try. I love. I'm honest. I work hard. I have goals. I am faithful. I am not a super model. Yesterday, for the first time in our relationship he told me he thought I was damn good looking. But he is attracted to beautiful women. I mean I notice a beautiful woman too. But, I think it's more important to him than it is me. Kind of?

He says I've let myself go and he wonders if I'll ever trust him again. As for the baby/mom thing, he says he doesn't know if I am healthy enough (BS Dr says I'm good to go) to have a baby. I use to be very big and have lost 62 pounds. I did that for myself. Now, I feel like if I want to work out, the thought pops in my head "Are you doing this because you want to or you think he wants you to?" and that's where I am. I guess that's where I need help. 

I miss myself. I use to be a strong woman. I feel so weak most days. I have started to wear makeup again every day and that seems to be helping some. I want my mojo back. I feel like he took it or I gave it away. And now I want to get back to me again but I feel like I'm rewarding an ungrateful a$$hole if I do. Plain and simple. 

I am not a young one anymore. With pregnancy and weight gain/loss my body is forever changed. I'm shaped a little odd. Nice booty he says, pretty face, gorgeous eyes,small boobs, thick thighs. I'm a thick girl. Which he likes and I do too. I think maybe I feel that I'll never be able to compete with what he wants. 

He wants to work on things and feels good about where we are headed. I just can't put all of my heart into it anymore. How do I do that when I feel like I'm truly just trying out for forever, and probably won't make the cut. Why do all the work for nothing? 

I know what you mean about "the one". I just used the words he used. 

Thanks for the help.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

I didn't talk about sex. We're ok in that department. He doesn't go downtown which I hate, because I do for him. He has never really been into giving he says. I must admit he is a greedy lover. He doesn't really know his way around my body or doesn't want to. I have never had this problem in a relationship before. It's getting to the point that I don't orgasm like I once did. He has noticed. It makes him feel terrible but I blow it off. I know its something mental or me, a disconnect or something. 

We use to have sex so often. Now that he has a smart phone it's about once a week. Since I'm not really getting off, I'm settling. Boy oh boy I see so much trouble just in this response.

I just don't know where to start.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

This makes me very sad.


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

It sounds like he doesn't appreciate you. That's no way to live.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I don't think he could be in a relationship with anyone but a submissive, who gets off on service. Tbh, he will not find a lot of women out there who will appreciate a greedy lover. The reason why the sex was better before, is because it was a new relationship, and the exploratory phase makes the new exciting. I don't think his technique devolved, I think the newness wore off, and you are starting to notice his crappy skills.

I think it is time for you to detach. You have been in a relationship that does not have much reciprocity. I get the sense you keep giving and giving, and he lost respect for you along the way. Have you stop trying to please him? If you are pleasing him, go seek a counselor and find out why you have low esteem. Because you are staying in a relationship where your emotional and physical needs are not met.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

Me too GA Heart.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

Detach? Meaning what exactly? 

I have been thinking about going to the docs about possible depression. I just don't want someone to throw pills at me. 

I will start looking for a therapist. I don't think it would hurt.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Therapist is good. If he doesn't desire and value you, YOU need to value you enough to see this isn't going very far. Makes me sad because I've felt like that in relationships before.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Detachment means working towards indifference. There is a scale that comes along with it. The more detached you are, the less emotions are invoked when you think about him. You have to stop being vulnerable to him, and you have to cut him off emotionally and physically. You want his validation of you and your emotions, it is just hurting you. So detaching will help protect you mentally from being rejected by him constantly, thus your low self-esteem.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

I have never been in a relationship like this. Before him, I would've went about my merry way after the first time he cut me down and lied. I was so head strong and I wouldn't have settled foe the things he's put me through. I don't understand myself. 

He doesn't reject me for sex. Ever. I just no longer want it like I once did. If I'm truthful I am not sure that I have ever fully opened up to him sexually because I fear what he will say or won't do or something. 

I have been very open about my feelings. He said that he can't believe he's broken such a strong woman the way he feels he has broken me. He said he does not know how to snap his fingers and make it right. And he feels he may have just hurt me too deeply for me to ever get myself back and still be with him. He's right. I don't know that I can. 

I have told myself for the last 2 week's not to think about us, just me. Yet I find myself thinking about my insecurities constantly. I swear I don't know who this insecure woman is. I don't like her. Not one bit. 

I do know that I want to love and respect myself like I once did. If I want that so bad how do I keep getting sucked back in to this depressed feeling? Why can't I just do me and be ok with it if I'm not for him?


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

And men, is he just feeding me some sort of line about being unsure if he wants to marry me? I can't help but feel like he's on the prowl and just stringing me along until he finds her. He looks at women on Facebook a lot. Does he know he doesn't want to he with me and doesn't know how to hurt me with the reality of it? I've point blank ask him that question. He says he wants us he just wants a better version of us.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

I will work on this detaching thing too. I really feel like I need my own space right now. But he knows I'm struggling and he's been sweet and all. Makes it tough.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

When we form attachments, we release hormones that bind us together. Your in the stage of committed love, you had plans, a future together. It was a slow process, and was not all of a sudden thing. You and a close friend can get into an argument and work things out, but you and an acquaintance could get into one and stop talking for good. The more attached you are, the more the person you are attached to can make you suffer. When a stranger calls you a name, you get angry. When someone you love calls you a name, you get hurt and angry. Of course attachments can also bring fulfillment. It is a double edged sword. So if someone you love perishes, you will suffer and mourn, but a stranger does not invoke the same level of suffering.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

Alright, I am home now so it will be harder to respond. I don't want him to know I'm posting here. I guess this is my first secret between us. 

I was so afraid to post having read other threads about the importance of being attractive for your man and all that. But just venting all of this has helped me today. I am very grateful for the responders today. Thanks.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

I need to rephrase something. I do want sex like I use to. I'm a horn dog if I speak honestly. But I know already how it will go so that's what I don't want. It just sucks to get all worked up and then nothing happens. 

I can't believe I'm just posting all this stuff!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

lostlady1234 said:


> And men, is he just feeding me some sort of line about being unsure if he wants to marry me? I can't help but feel like he's on the prowl and just stringing me along until he finds her. He looks at women on Facebook a lot. Does he know he doesn't want to he with me and doesn't know how to hurt me with the reality of it? I've point blank ask him that question. He says he wants us he just wants a better version of us.


Not necessarily. It's a huge step and if you came out of a bad marriage It can be monumental to want that marriage thing again.

That doesn't mean you should wait though. If you are done waiting for the next step you have every right to move on. What it sounds like is he is unsure of you and that could last indefinitely


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I should warn you that he may try and hook you into his drama again. He may keep trying to contact you and probably will not leave you alone. Also, once you detach, he will probably be attracted to you again. Avoid this, as you will be returning to the same relationship with the same person.

As for the sex. I suggest fwb,friends with benefits, it works well for me inbetween relationships. Who knows, perhaps you will find a good partner. Just make your intentions clear. Or you can go on multiple dates with the goal of no relationships until you recover. Just keep it physical.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

I am in no hurry to get married. However, when he dropped the I'm not sure you're the one ball up until then, he'd made comments about us getting married. We also talked about ring prices. I just didn't think he was thinking I'm not the person he will marry in time. Obviously there would've been much to work out before either of us were prepared for that. I guess when we lost the baby it seemed to highlight a lot of underlying issues. 

I am now not so sure he's the one I want to marry, obviously.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

For the record, I asked him to stop referring to me as his future wife and to not make any suggestions that he sees me as his wife in the future until we figure out what we're doing. That lasted for a full 12 hours maybe. The very next day we were sitting in a waiting room (not related to baby) and he told me to check spouse on a form. I shot him a look that meant I asked you not to do that and I meant it. He just grabbed my hand and squeezed and said you are my future wife. I didn't make anything of it. My heart skipped a beat initially and then I just reminded myself that he does this. He pushes me away with painful truths and feels sorry after he knows I'm hurting and pulls me right back in.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

Well I may be confused on detaching. I haven't left yet. If I do it will be soon after the Christmas. I haven't even thought that far ahead.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> I should warn you that he may try and hook you into his drama again. He may keep trying to contact you and probably will not leave you alone. Also, once you detach, he will probably be attracted to you again. Avoid this, as you will be returning to the same relationship with the same person.
> 
> As for the sex. I suggest fwb,friends with benefits, it works well for me inbetween relationships. Who knows, perhaps you will find a good partner. Just make your intentions clear. Or you can go on multiple dates with the goal of no relationships until you recover. Just keep it physical.


I just learned how to respond to posts individually. He won't chase after me when I'm gone. He's not that type. He may have regrets or hurt on some level but he will not chase me. The thought of leaving makes me feel nauseous. The thought of staying, like this, saddens my heart too. 

Fwb, well that's another part of our history. I was diagnosed with hpv shortly before we found out we were pregnant. So how would I even begin to sleep with anyone new down the road? Yet another insecurity to add and he gave it to me.


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

Partners that love you, build you up and make you feel good about yourself. Why would you want someone that doesn't do that for you?

It sounds like both of you are afraid to move on from each other. Life is too short to be with someone who tears you down, make a change and do it soon. You said you don't like the person you are with him, if you don't love yourself, no one else will.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Once you reach a certain level of detachment, you will get a better picture of the entire relationship. Emotions screw with our perceptions. Who knows, once you have confidence in yourself,one of your demands would be for him to seek his own therapy if he wants to have a chance with you. Why should you improve, and not have him do the same. If he does not change, you will be in the same boat as before. Also, he should meet your needs. A relationship needs to be reciprocal.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

Hicks said:


> You should not have sex with a man who says this to you.


It's not very often. But we are still intimate. 


vms said:


> It sounds like he doesn't appreciate you. That's no way to live.


I know he appreciates hot meals, clean home, things of that nature. But I don't think he appreciates me as a whole.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

vms said:


> It sounds like he doesn't appreciate you. That's no way to live.


And no, its no way to live. Hell on earth is what it feels like.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

lostlady1234 said:


> We have no drama with his ex and *we did have tons with mine* the first 2 years we were together. Things have improved though and that's no longer an issue.


You're still beating around the bush.

Define the drama with your ex.


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

lostlady1234 said:


> And no, its no way to live. Hell on earth is what it feels like.


If you truly feel this way,then what are you waiting on? End it and move on.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

NWCooper said:


> Partners that love you, build you up and make you feel good about yourself. Why would you want someone that doesn't do that for you?
> 
> It sounds like both of you are afraid to move on from each other. Life is too short to be with someone who tears you down, make a change and do it soon. You said you don't like the person you are with him, if you don't love yourself, no one else will.


I don't want a relationship like that. He told me I built him up while he tore me down. When he told me he thought I was damn good looking I thanked him. I said you've never really said something like that to me before. He's not one to compliment unless it's someone who is ravishing. 

I think you're on to it. He said "I've got 3 years invested in this, I know we can make this better, just hang in there." So maybe we're both just hanging on to something we know won't work.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

tacoma said:


> You're still beating around the bush.
> 
> Define the drama with your ex.


Well I guess it's the same as others. We fought over the children and they paid the price. I would be nosey in his relationships where it was none of my business. He also did the same. It took a long while to adjust to there being other "parents" involved. 

Now, that's over. We get along and speak and work out things for our children. He has a great lady in his life and I am fortunate in that area.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

NWCooper said:


> If you truly feel this way,then what are you waiting on? End it and move on.


I think maybe I am just afraid. He does seem to feel sorry for how he treated me. He sincerely seems to want to continue to work on things. I am just afraid to let my guard down. 

He doesn't act the way he did before. I began to trust him again. But then he said what he said and now I'm wondering if I should trust him and try or run.


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## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

Run, lost lady, RUN


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Based on what you wrote in this thread, there is really nothing to hold on to. He has cheated, he still searching, he makes you feel horrible, he is selfish in bed. You don't like yourself anymore, you don't have orgasms anymore. You used to enjoy sex, now you are dreading it. Deep down you know he is still looking for more perfect version of you, that you are not good enough for him.

I think you are at the beginning of the end - your posting here is the first step to re-evaluating this relationship and fidnign yourself. You have survived divorce with three kids -this one should be much much easier to handle, there are no kids together, no legal problems. 

Read my note below by 3Xnocharms - this is you. and me. and few others.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> Based on what you wrote in this thread, there is really nothing to hold on to. He has cheated, he still searching, he makes you feel horrible, he is selfish in bed. You don't like yourself anymore, you don't have orgasms anymore. You used to enjoy sex, now you are dreading it. Deep down you know he is still looking for more perfect version of you, that you are not good enough for him.
> 
> I think you are at the beginning of the end - your posting here is the first step to re-evaluating this relationship and fidnign yourself. You have survived divorce with three kids -this one should be much much easier to handle, there are no kids together, no legal problems.
> 
> Read my note below by 3Xnocharms - this is you. and me. and few others.


Yes, deep down I know. I think that's why I started searching online for help. And it will be easier than the divorce. 

I don't see a note below?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

lostlady1234 said:


> I don't see a note below?


that one

"People sometimes work at keeping their life the same, because the fear of the unknown is stronger than the misery of the current reality. At least for a time. Once you hit the point where the fear of the unknown becomes instead a beacon of hope, that is when you can move on."
by 3Xnocharm, TAM poster


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

lostlady1234 said:


> I think maybe I am just afraid. He does seem to feel sorry for how he treated me. He sincerely seems to want to continue to work on things. I am just afraid to let my guard down.
> 
> He doesn't act the way he did before. I began to trust him again. But then he said what he said and now I'm wondering if I should trust him and try or run.


He can be as sorry as he likes, and he probably is sorry he's hurting you, but that doesn't change how he feels - or more to the point, doesn't feel about you.

Don't you want a man who lives and breathes to make you happy? And who you love so much, that you love to take care of him? Don't you want to look forward to waking up with your man and going to sleep together at night, knowing you are loved and cherished?

Everyone deserves that at the very least.

If he's on the fence about marrying you after 3 years together, and living together, that's unlikely to change sweetie.

I think you should cut your losses and go. Every day you stay, your children get more and more attached to him. They've already had the trauma of a divorce, don't let their hearts get broken again.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Hon, let me be blunt with you. He's keeping you around while he explores his options to see if he can do better. That's why he's sweet when he senses you pulling away but locks his phone and talks to other women. You're much better off ending this now then divorcing later..... the are red flags all over the place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> *He's keeping you around while he explores his options to see if he can do better.* That's why he's sweet when he senses you pulling away but locks his phone and talks to other women.


:iagree: And "Never make someone a priority who only sees you as an option." No one deserves to be Plan B.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Cut him loose. After 3 years he still doesn't know, he is wasting your time.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Everyone thinks their body is weird in one way or another - lose your insecurities.

Remind yourself that this guy isn't good enough for *you*. You deserve better! Now, go get it.

When he discovers that women aren't lining up to audition for the role of doormat, he'll come sniffing around. Show him the garbage can when he does.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think you know you don't want to continue in this relationship, you just haven't worked up to the point of being able to leave it. That's fair enough, it takes time. I would just make sure not to fall pregnant again if I were you, otherwise it will take that choice from you when you need to make it.

From the sounds of it, he never admitted to having an EA, though he said sorry I think you said. That isn't what you actually need from someone who has done that, while they of course need to feel remorse, more importantly, they need to understand that they did something wrong, not just that what they did hurt you. See the difference? Otherwise, it'll just happen again and again. You know this. You don't trust him because he can't see that he did something wrong. Like a child that you teach not to touch a power point. When they have a lack of understanding behind the reason for not touching it, you simply cannot trust that they won't do it even though they know you don't want them to. They may just go do it when your back is turned. As they grow they learn the reason behind it, they develop understanding. This is then when you feel you can let your guard down because they have that understanding of what can happen that stops their behaviour, rather than relying on your rules to stop the behaviour.

This man cannot/will not develop an understanding of the consequences of developing an EA. You feel you have to constantly stay on guard. At some point you will (there is no doubt about this), get fed up with having to be on guard and you will want to move on to someone you can relax with, someone you can rely on to have his own inbuilt system for keeping himself on track.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

breeze said:


> I think you know you don't want to continue in this relationship, you just haven't worked up to the point of being able to leave it. That's fair enough, it takes time. I would just make sure not to fall pregnant again if I were you, otherwise it will take that choice from you when you need to make it.
> 
> From the sounds of it, he never admitted to having an EA, though he said sorry I think you said. That isn't what you actually need from someone who has done that, while they of course need to feel remorse, more importantly, they need to understand that they did something wrong, not just that what they did hurt you. See the difference? Otherwise, it'll just happen again and again. You know this. You don't trust him because he can't see that he did something wrong. Like a child that you teach not to touch a power point. When they have a lack of understanding behind the reason for not touching it, you simply cannot trust that they won't do it even though they know you don't want them to. They may just go do it when your back is turned. As they grow they learn the reason behind it, they develop understanding. This is then when you feel you can let your guard down because they have that understanding of what can happen that stops their behaviour, rather than relying on your rules to stop the behaviour.
> 
> This man cannot/will not develop an understanding of the consequences of developing an EA. You feel you have to constantly stay on guard. At some point you will (there is no doubt about this), get fed up with having to be on guard and you will want to move on to someone you can relax with, someone you can rely on to have his own inbuilt system for keeping himself on track.



That's because he's exploring his options while telling her he's not sure she's the one, so it's quite possible he doesn't actually think he's doing anything wrong. He says sorry to placate her and keep her in the hook in case he can't do better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You are 34 & 35 years of age. You have 3 children from a previous marriage. He allowed you to stay in his home until you find a home for you and your children. He is texting his ex-wife and other women. He has no children with his ex-wife and should not be in contact with her unless he still wants to be with her. He is actively searching for other women. He tells you that he is uncertain that "you are the one" nor would be the best mother material for his child.

He tells you to "hang in there" as he invested 3 years in your relationship. You are elated when he told you only once that you are attractive. He is "greedy" in your lovemaking activities.

You didn't say whether you work or not. Are you staying with him for financial support? He definitely does not appreciate you. You are in a tortured relationship. I do not believe that he intends to marry you. He is stringing you along.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

Hello everyone. I have been away from here since he's been home. This is all new to me so I'm going to try to answer questions in one swoop because I'm afraid it'll take all night to respond individually. If I miss anything let me know please. Also, there have been some new things to happen. 

Yes, I work full time and could survive on my own. Money isn't an issue. I'm not rich by any means but I would be ok on my own. 

No he doesn't lock his phone anymore and as far as I know he's had no contact with any other women in nearly a year. Sorry I didn't make that clear. I have passwords to email and Facebook. 

The contact with his ex happened when she had a death in the family. I didn't mind him attending the funeral or her contact with him about it. It was that the communication continued and always happened when he and I were going through things, just life things, ya know? It was also that he hid it. 

The other girl he chatted with was during the time I had left and was working towards saving for my own place. He didn't hide her from me exactly. It just hurt. I guess I thought how could he jump to that so fast if I meant anything to him. When he texted her to tell her he couldn't speak with her because we were working on things and he was trying to build trust she simply replied ok. Not knowing I had his Facebook password she began messaging him there. The first "get it all worked out?" He responded "trying but I think so". 

That was it for a little while. Over Idk, 4 weeks she would message him randomly with hey, what's up, are things better, etc. He never responded. I guess he didn't think I would really look at his acct, so I tested it. I asked him sometime later if he'd heard from her anymore. Nope. That was a lie. 

She continued to try to make contact he continued to ignore her. One day he kept my phone and I took his. I was at work and got a message from her. So I called her. I asked hee why she continued to contact him when he'd warned her about us working things out and if there was something I needed to know, woman to woman, I deserved the truth. She hung up in my face. When I got home I told him what happened. He was furious with me. Said I overreacted he didn't tell me about the other messages because he didn't respond. I told him if our relationship was important to him he should've been the one to make her go away in the first place. That was the end of that. 

As of now, as far as I know, he's clean ans truthful. Except for looking at the pages on Facebook. 

So the new things. I can't believe it really. He's been spying on me. ME. He thought I was doing something. He put a friends deactivated phone in my car with some kind of app that activates when you speak or something. He knew I'd be shopping with a close friend. He's been feeling me pulling away and said it was driving him crazy. I always answer with I'm fine or tired. I got tired of explaining my down moods I guess. So he heard me completely break down and confess everything to my friend that I'd kept everything from. We hardly slept last night. 

Today we finished our Christmas shopping. He acted like someone I haven't seen in a couple of years. Holding my hand, telling me how nice I looked, being affectionate, etc. He's always been affectionate it just wanes at times I think. 

He said he felt like complete garbage and that my heart was huge because he'd beat it to he'll and back and somehow I smile most days. He sais the reason he doesn't know if I'm the one is because he doesn't know if I'll always check up on him, trust him. We were at dinner last night and he went to the restroom and came back to hand me his phone. There was an article or blog that a woman posted titled what husband's really think of their wives. It was long but it basically talked about how her husband thought she was beautiful even though she didn't. It was a nice article. I teared up a time or two. But it was because I thought if how nice this lady's husband was, how nice it must be to have such a loving husband. 

It sparked a conversation and I asked him what does beautiful mean to him, perfection? He said you. 

And I know he's full of **** and terrified I'm leaving. He asked me several times not to leave him when he confessed about the recording. I was so angry at first. But then I felt relieved that he had to sit and listen to my heart break and he couldn't argue. He couldn't justify or defend or argue all the crappy things he's said and done. 

There's a lot that has been said but I'll stop here because I know this is long already. 

I feel that he's sorry. I feel that maybe he gets it now. And I also feel like I'll be a fool to think the best is yet to come. 

He also knows that I've been saving money to get out so if I wanted to leave in the next 60 days I could.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

I'll be back on in a little while. He's getting ready to leave for work. 

I could really use someone to talk to. I hope some of you are on late tonight. Thanks again.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

I also want to add that something else happened. Today he went to the grocery store with me. This is rare in itself. But I was looking at something when I heard him talking to someone I turned and it was a woman. I recognized her. He'd told me about her when things were rough at another time. She was a girl he'd give anything to date when they were teens but his buddy ended up with her. Still he admitted he'd drooled over her for years. So today they're talking basic how ya been, long time no see. It was as if I wasn't there. She did this hand gesture towards me, asking to be introduced. He simply says my name. That's it. She asks don't you all have kids? 3? "I don't. She has 3". I continued to smile politely and that was that. We walked away and he smiled as if she'd ask him on a date. 

I don't wanna read too much into anything and I surely didn't get any vibes from her. It was the way he introduced me. And it was the way he seemed to make sure she knew my kids weren't his. Ok, they're not his. But I've not seen him not claim them to be since the beginning of our relationship. 

I don't know sometimes if I do overreact or read too much into things. 

Yes, I'm tired of not feeling relaxed in this relationship. 

If I stay, will I always be this way?


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

NWCooper said:


> If you truly feel this way,then what are you waiting on? End it and move on.


He sucks me back in, sadly. Things go well, get better. I dig deep and find a twinge of who I once was and things are ok. Recently, there's only been the Facebook looking. But ever since the last girl he chatted with, even on the best days, something-anything small can happen and it will trigger something he said or did before and I'll think maybe we're not as ok as I have been thinking.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Everyone thinks their body is weird in one way or another - lose your insecurities.
> 
> Remind yourself that this guy isn't good enough for *you*. You deserve better! Now, go get it.
> 
> When he discovers that women aren't lining up to audition for the role of doormat, he'll come sniffing around. Show him the garbage can when he does.


I am trying so.hard to lose my insecurities. I would love for them to just melt away. I am doing things each day to make myself feel better. For me. Not for him.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

breeze said:


> I think you know you don't want to continue in this relationship, you just haven't worked up to the point of being able to leave it. That's fair enough, it takes time. I would just make sure not to fall pregnant again if I were you, otherwise it will take that choice from you when you need to make it.
> 
> From the sounds of it, he never admitted to having an EA, though he said sorry I think you said. That isn't what you actually need from someone who has done that, while they of course need to feel remorse, more importantly, they need to understand that they did something wrong, not just that what they did hurt you. See the difference? Otherwise, it'll just happen again and again. You know this. You don't trust him because he can't see that he did something wrong. Like a child that you teach not to touch a power point. When they have a lack of understanding behind the reason for not touching it, you simply cannot trust that they won't do it even though they know you don't want them to. They may just go do it when your back is turned. As they grow they learn the reason behind it, they develop understanding. This is then when you feel you can let your guard down because they have that understanding of what can happen that stops their behaviour, rather than relying on your rules to stop the behaviour.
> 
> This man cannot/will not develop an understanding of the consequences of developing an EA. You feel you have to constantly stay on guard. At some point you will (there is no doubt about this), get fed up with having to be on guard and you will want to move on to someone you can relax with, someone you can rely on to have his own inbuilt system for keeping himself on track.


Idk how to only highlight the first few sentences of this response but it really hit home with me. I think I know I want out too but am not quite sure how, when, can it be fixed, etc. I have money saved just for leaving. I love him, I do. He is not a horrible person all the way around. I just don't know that I can heal and be with him. 

I think I feel rushed to make a final decision also. I am going backs to school to finish my nursing degree in August of 2015. He wants me to quit working so I can attend full time and finish sooner. That is ideal. However, my ex husband taught me to never depend on a man for support. I am afraid to give up my job, especially when employment is so scarce, and depend on a man that has betrayed me. He does not know that I plan on attending part time while still working full time as of right now.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

The hpv plays a role as well I think. While I don't have any physical lesions I know that on any given day they could pop up. There is no way I could sleep with someone else be it fwb or something serious and not divulge this information. 

I also have to see my OBGYN twice a year now instead of once a year. We did have a scare, my cervix was biopsied in 3 places. No cancer or pre-cancerous cells. 

I had no clue what hpv was in the beginning. After lots of research and q&a with my doctor I am 100% certain I got this virus from my bf, while he thought I was nuts. He was in denial and still refuses to see a Dr. He does have a physical lesion. Its so small and it took a few months for me to notice it when we first began sleeping together. While there is currently no test for males, when there is a lesion it can be examined and tested for prognosis. 

How would I even begin to tell someone new?


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Your encounter with your boyfriend's old female acquaintance is simply awkward. He doesn't introduce you, and had to be prompted by the friend. He is quick to say that he has no children and your children aren't his. Definitely telling the woman, your relationship is not serious. This scenario is disrespectful to you.

You contracted hpv. He has lesions, but denies he has it and refuses to see a physician. You've got a lot of problems here. As you work full time and can survive on your own, I see no reason to continue your relationship with your boyfriend.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lostlady1234 said:


> Detach? Meaning what exactly?
> 
> I have been thinking about going to the docs about possible depression. I just don't want someone to throw pills at me.
> 
> I will start looking for a therapist. I don't think it would hurt.


Do you work out? Often times physical exercise works as well as medication.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lostlady1234 said:


> Idk how to only highlight the first few sentences of this response but it really hit home with me. I think I know I want out too but am not quite sure how, when, can it be fixed, etc. I have money saved just for leaving. I love him, I do. He is not a horrible person all the way around. I just don't know that I can heal and be with him. .


I think it sounds like you really need to get away from him. With some distance you will see that it was the right choice.



lostlady1234 said:


> I think I feel rushed to make a final decision also. I am going backs to school to finish my nursing degree in August of 2015. He wants me to quit working so I can attend full time and finish sooner. That is ideal. However, my ex husband taught me to never depend on a man for support. I am afraid to give up my job, especially when employment is so scarce, and depend on a man that has betrayed me. He does not know that I plan on attending part time while still working full time as of right now.


From the way you describe him, I think things would go downhill fast if you depended on him financially. He will have you in a position of dependence which could very well give him the feeling that he has the right to even more selfish behaviors than he has exhibited thus far.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

No one is pure white or black, and it is his behavior as a mate we are talking about. He seems to hook you back in, and then he reverts to his old ways. The grocery store is another incident that is a long line of incidents and it continues to be a trend with him. He lacks enough boundaries for you to feel safe, and it would be a mistake to trust him at all. You should not rely on him, and continue to live independently. Actually, you should always be independent as much as possible, because you never know what life will throw at you. We only have past behaviors to trust people on, and his past behavior is not all that great for a committed relationship. Until he forms a pattern of trustworthy behavior, you should not make any future plans with him. I still recommend detaching, it will give your thoughts some clarity. Your logic and emotions are at odds. Logically, you know that he is not trustworthy, and yet your emotions tell you that you love and want to be with him. It is why your in conflict, two opposing ideas are at war within you.


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## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

Wow, what s complicated life. I am so glad I married a virgin. I know I am missing out on all the risky fun things, but I don't mind. Peace of mind is worth it.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Do you work out? Often times physical exercise works as well as medication.


Yes, when I can. I use to religiously. But working in a hospital, being on my feet all day, and picking up extra shifts has caught up with me. I have what is called plantar fascitis which is not serious just painful. I'm seeing a Dr. for this, injections, supports, inserts, but those things have worked only temporarily. They are considering surgery. I am not sure if the surgery. So on the days that the pain isn't so bad I do. Some days when I just need an outlet I push myself to work out. Hopefully I'll be back to myself with all of this and will pick up my workout routines again.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> No one is pure white or black, and it is his behavior as a mate we are talking about. He seems to hook you back in, and then he reverts to his old ways. The grocery store is another incident that is a long line of incidents and it continues to be a trend with him. He lacks enough boundaries for you to feel safe, and it would be a mistake to trust him at all. You should not rely on him, and continue to live independently. Actually, you should always be independent as much as possible, because you never know what life will throw at you. We only have past behaviors to trust people on, and his past behavior is not all that great for a committed relationship. Until he forms a pattern of trustworthy behavior, you should not make any future plans with him. I still recommend detaching, it will give your thoughts some clarity. Your logic and emotions are at odds. Logically, you know that he is not trustworthy, and yet your emotions tell you that you love and want to be with him. It is why your in conflict, two opposing ideas are at war within you.


My mind wasn't playing tricks on me in the store. I am glad you all seem to agree with me on this one. He noticed a mood shift in me after that. Like immediately. He asked what was wrong and I told him nothing. I was honestly already thinking of posting here before I spoke on it. This morning I confessed that I'd lied when he asked. I told him what I said here. He apologized and said he meant nothing by it. Not that it's now ok but I feel better having calling him out on it I guess.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

A war within me is also right on. That's how I found myself here. I just need help sorting all of this out.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

ankh said:


> Wow, what s complicated life. I am so glad I married a virgin. I know I am missing out on all the risky fun things, but I don't mind. Peace of mind is worth it.


I am glad you married a virgin too.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

I will not depend on him financially. Its too risky. I still don't know what my plan will be but things must change. 

I looked at his Facebook this morning. I had a feeling he would look the store girl up. He did and they are friends on there and that is fine by me. He of course "liked" many of her posts. I don't think he will try anything. She is still with the friend that won her over years ago. It still stings. 

I noticed that he is sending himself posts via private messaging though and he often sends things to me in pm instead of sharing on my page. 

One that really got me was on Dec. 17. It was a picture with words. A son asked his father how on earth will I ever find the right woman. Father tells son forget finding the right woman and focus on being the right man. 

That tells me he is still searching as well. I agree with those that have said after 3 years he knows. I said the same words to him when that conversation came about.


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## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

lostlady1234 said:


> Yes, when I can. I use to religiously. But working in a hospital, being on my feet all day, and picking up extra shifts has caught up with me. I have what is called plantar fascitis which is not serious just painful. I'm seeing a Dr. for this, injections, supports, inserts, but those things have worked only temporarily. They are considering surgery. I am not sure if the surgery. So on the days that the pain isn't so bad I do. Some days when I just need an outlet I push myself to work out. Hopefully I'll be back to myself with all of this and will pick up my workout routines again.


Before you get out the knife to carve up your foot, please check with a knowledgeable chiro. Sometimes this is a matter of adjusting and the right orthotic support.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

I will definitely look at my options. Surgery is not something that I am interested in but they keep pushing it so I have not gone back yet. I didn't consider a chiropractor though, thank you for that. There is a great one (according to friends) just down the road from where I work. I'll look into that today. Thanks for the idea!


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

ankh said:


> Before you get out the knife to carve up your foot, please check with a knowledgeable chiro. Sometimes this is a matter of adjusting and the right orthotic support.


I apologize for my ignorance on this but my notification settings on this tapatalk app are messed up. I have to come back to this post to see if anyone has responded. Under the menu on the right I have a notification there from you (not pushed) and of course the site on the day of joining. But if I click on it it says invalid private message request, something or the other, and ends with contact the administrator. Can anyone help me with this?


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

The notification settings section is gray (can't be selected) .


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

While he does seem to be clueless, do not forget a counselor for yourself. The only person that can get you over your insecurities is you. I've been there myself, you are not alone.

Definitely don't quit your day job. Go to school as planned, good for you.

Try not to stress the HPV. Up to 90% of all sexually active people have been exposed to this virus. Men can carry it and show no symptoms. Just follow up with the gyno. I was diagnosed via abnormal pap in my late teens. Had two colposcopies over a period of 2 years. Haven't had an abnormal pap in almost 15 years. Most times the body's immune system takes care of it. The paps and colpos are to catch any mutations in case it is trying to turn cancerous. Just stay on top of that and you should be ok. Wear condoms with any future fwb relationships, as you should anyway! No need to disclose anything, as most people have already been exposed anyway, unless they are virgins or have extremely limited partners. But unless you have visible warts on your external parts, a condom will protect.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

Thank you, so very much GA HEART. I had a reply typed up but it disappeared so if it shows a double post somewhere down the road you'll know why. 

I do not have lesions/warts but after we lost the baby a few did pop up. They were very small and my doc said that was normal as any irritation to the cervix could produce them. I had a treatment and they are gone. She said they could possibly return or I may never see them again. I also had a few tiny ones in the beginning but I had no clue what they were until the pap. 

I actually don't think about the hpv from day to day. Its only when I imagine my future, moving forward. Idk that I won't tell a potential partner in the future. Its just who I am I guess. 

I know I have to fix my own insecurities. I am doing little things each day just because I want to, because whatever that little thing is makes me happy. 

Thank you again for such encouraging words.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I have had friends that have had to have some warts treated. I have friends who have herpes. All have found long term, loving relationships/marriages. I know it's a scary thing to think about, but a medical diagnosis is not WHO you are. 

I also suffer from PF in one foot that is horrible. But it actually was more manageable when I was running. It hurt like the ****ens when I first started, but running worked wonders on my self esteem. I felt STRONG. It was great, I miss it myself and plan on picking it back up again soon. You will be ok, just move forward.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

No, it's not who I am. You are right.: )

Does the PF ever fully go away? I sure hope so but doesn't sound like it. Its only in my right foot. After a long shift or extra shifts it's best I not sit until my household work is done for the night. Boy does it hurt if I try to rest in between.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

I've never liked running but I do love and I mean love lifting. All this talk of physical activity has me ready to work out this evening! Maybe I'll try the running again.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

Any tips on getting to and staying asleep? I've tried the Tylenol p.m. and it works but I wake up feeling like I've not slept enough or groggy. My brain doesn't shut down when my body is give out.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Working out. LOL! My PF is in my right foot too. If I'm on it a lot, OUCH. I LOVED running, which is funny because I used to HATE it. It actually took a 5k race some friends encouraged me to do to fall in love with it. I fell off the wagon when I hurt myself training for a half marathon. I"m not a distance runner. 5 miles is about my limit. I did 7 at one point. THat's a lot of running, and I'm proud of me for that. Right now I doubt I could do one! LOL! I also LOVED Zumba. Like LOVED. Kinda like your lifting, I would guess. I dunno if the PF ever goes away, but when I was running it was MUCH better. Which is funny because you would think it wouldn't be. I got fitted for shoes and that helped a lot too.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

lostlady1234 said:


> Any tips on getting to and staying asleep? I've tried the Tylenol p.m. and it works but I wake up feeling like I've not slept enough or groggy. My brain doesn't shut down when my body is give out.



If you want to stay overthe counter, try "The very sleepy time" herbal tea by Cellestial Seasonings, or if you need more "The sleepy time extra" - that one has also valerian in it.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

lostlady1234 said:


> Idk how to only highlight the first few sentences of this response but it really hit home with me. I think I know I want out too but am not quite sure how, when, can it be fixed, etc. I have money saved just for leaving. I love him, I do. He is not a horrible person all the way around. I just don't know that I can heal and be with him.
> 
> I think I feel rushed to make a final decision also. I am going backs to school to finish my nursing degree in August of 2015. He wants me to quit working so I can attend full time and finish sooner. That is ideal. However, my ex husband taught me to never depend on a man for support. I am afraid to give up my job, especially when employment is so scarce, and depend on a man that has betrayed me. He does not know that I plan on attending part time while still working full time as of right now.


I remember that point well. Holding onto a sliver of hope that we could somehow figure it out, but deep down, I knew it was done. This was a long term relationship, not marriage, thank goodness, because I know if I'd gotten married to him, I would have still had to walk away.

Thing is, I still loved him when I left him, and for quite a while after. I was heartbroken. He was actually a very nice person. Being bad for me did not make him bad. I didn't hate him for that. I went completely no contact with him even though we could've still remained friends because I knew I'd be sucked right back in. That was how determined I was to end it while still caring deeply.

I see that point in you. Whether you have it in you to save yourself remains to be seen.

The little signs are the biggest ones. Treating you like a nobody when a woman he's attracted to turns up... it's over. You both might be desperately trying to hang on to it, but for me, I could never live like that, so I can't imagine how anyone could.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

We'll breeze I believe you got it. Spot on. 

We made it through Christmas. Barely. Everything was ok until I spent $25 more on a gift than he thought I would. We should have discussed it beforehand. We didn't. He decided to humiliate me in the store. In front of everyone. Including 2 of my kids.

We left from that store and we almost had an argument in the car. Kids watching, I shut down. Within 10 minutes we were at his family's Christmas celebration. I tried really hard to act like normal. Too many trips to the bathroom to keep others from seeing me cry and being more quiet than normal tipped people off I guess. 

He came to me and said cheer up and kissed me on the check. It didn't help at all. 

There's an adopted family member who is always there. She has a thing for him. I've known this. He warned me about her in the beginning of our relationship. 

I guess when the kiss and half ass apology (cheer up) didn't work he just decided to hang with the chick who he knew would give him attention. They smoked outside together off and on all night. She even jokingly told him (with her husband sitting in the floor in front of her, she on the couch beside my bf) she hoped the gift she was opening was new panties because she needed some. 

The ride home was quiet. Once inside and kids in bed we had our first arguing fight. 

I told him the gift thing in the beginning was both of our faults for not discussing it but it gave him no right to humiliate me like he did. He didn't like me standing up fir myself I guess. He left home at 10 to get cigarettes. At midnight he was still gone. I called. No answer. I texted him. 3 within the next hour. Not a word. 

I cried. I hoped I'd drift off to sleep. It didn't happen. We've been here before. He came rolling in at 2:19. 

He said he'd been to a friends and had a drink and shot the **** and on his way home noticed his brother was home and up so he stopped there too. Why no answer to call and texts? Its a classic. Dead phone. I told him I was moving out soon. He asked why. I told him. He said nothing. Not one word. That was pretty much it. He apologized for being out so late. Said the gift thing was just a difference of opinion and he wasn't as mad as I was about it. Really? Said he left because I was so angry and he didn't want to fight. Nice. I asked him if this was what I could expect from him in the future and he said if I act the way I acted earlier then yes. 

So I'm finished with it. I think I've "acted" pretty well during our years together and I've been through a lot. I guess I'll continue to act myself right out the door. 

I know in the week's to come my anger over this will dissipate and the hurt in it all will resurface. I will spend time here if you all will help me and keep me company when I'm lonely. 

I haven't slept a wink tonight. I came on in to work. The extra money will be beneficial. I have enough saved to get in a place. Now I just need to fill that place. 

My only regrets are staying this long and my children, especially the youngest, being so attached to him. 

Time to get to work. Its going to be a long damn day.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

He was passive-aggressive, and ignored you to spend time talking to his adoptive family member. It was a way to punish you because he knows it will hurt. He does lack a lot of boundaries and you will never feel safe being in a relationship with him. Also, matters of your relationship should be done privately where it would be just the two of you discussing the issues at hand. I think that you stayed longer than you should have, but there is a reason why they call love a bond, and it does make us do irrational things sometimes. If you did not love him, do you believe that you would have put up with that b.s. from anyone. He does have anger issues too. He does not express it in a healthy way. His silent treatment, his humiliating you, him talking to his family member are all signs of anger and aggression.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

Would I put up with it if I didn't love him? Hell to the no. 

I did mention the adopted family member in our heated argument. His behavior, her panty comment. He said he knew I'd mention it. I said you knew that because you knew you shouldn't have behaved that way. He defended the panty comment by saying he was sure she said that to everyone. I said no, I'm sure she was looking a your face when she spoke. 
She was looking at him and him alone. Now, I can't fuss at him for her statement, I understand that. But if she's prone to flirtatious behavior, especially when we are in a tiff, move away from her. Don't follow her every time she goes for a smoke. 

I won't ever feel safe. You are right. Even though he may have gone to his friends house and then his brother's and his phone may have died, I go back in time. He's been away like that before and he was with pals and his brother. And he was talking with other women. 

I didn't check his phone and I won't check his story. It doesn't matter anymore. My mind is set. There Will be no turning back.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

As bad as it hurts I'm glad this happened. I am not sure I would've decided to leave for good without it, quite honestly. Love does have its way of making one do, accept, and overlook the most important things at times. 
Next time, I'll be smarter. I'll listen to my gut.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Take the time and energy to focus on you now. Make yourself a priority and do not allow him to be a distraction. You need to boost your self-esteem, because you let him cross your boundaries way too many times. He did not respect you, because you lack some self-respect. Figure out what are your strength and weaknesses are, and work on your weaknesses. The more self-confidence and self-assurance you possess, the less you allow others to cross your boundaries.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

I see now that I have lost self-respect. I am working on myself and making me happy but I have still been focusing on him. I will no longer put focus on him. In any way. I am working the next 3 days in a row and he will be working a different shift for a few days when I am off. I know this will help me center myself for what's to come.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Lostlady, I'm so proud of you for seeing the situation for what it is. I know how hard this must be for you though, I really do. You are doing the right thing.

You deserve a man who adores you, who can't bear to be without you, who's crazy in love with you. Everyone deserves that.

That doesn't mean everything will be sunshine and rainbows all the time, of course not, but even through the rough times you will feel safe, and you'll know you are loved.

You don't have to do this on your own, we'll walk with you xx


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You need to be done. Move on.


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## lostlady1234 (Dec 19, 2014)

Thanks everyone. 

He is definitely beginning to notice things are different. I am trying to focus on me more. Its teaching me that I really do focus on him entirely too much. Not sure why but I notice everything, every detail. What he wears, how much time he spends on Facebook, his behavior with his phone. I also noticed that I comment on everything I notice that doesn't seem "right". 

I am forcing myself to change my train of thought and thinking before I speak. 

He asked me several times what was wrong on Sunday night. I don't feel like repeating myself anymore. He apologized for his behavior again and stated that we're learning from our mistakes. I suppose he's right about that.

I've never left anyone that I still felt in love with. Last night I thought of all the reasons I feel this way... he's a great step dad, he loves his family (parents and others), he's hardworking, great with his hands or handy and creative, great cook, tidy, has goals, etc. I wasn't able to list that I love him because of the way he loves me. I can't say that I love the way he makes me feel. Shouldn't I be able to though?

After a failed marriage and not so great picks before that, I think I'm trying to figure out why I settle for less than what I know I deserve. 

I am going to try to double my savings each pay period so I can move quicker and have a little cushion when I do so. The last thing I want to do is spend every dime I have on getting settled in ans then struggling to live afterwards. 

I am so glad I found this forum. If nothing else I get to vent and think freely.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

He sounds like he would make a great friend and father, just not the type of husband you want. He can apologize all he wants, but he cannot back up his actions with his apologies. You simply do not trust him that he can learn and grow, and he keeps breaking your trust to prove that he is not capable of it now. It is good to always have a safety net. I have over 10,000 as a safety net that I keep growing.


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