# Reconciliation - What Would it Take?



## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

Don't get me wrong - I'm not reconciling nor is it even in the cards but I was wondering what would it take if reconciliaiton was possible for you after infidelity?

In other words, in a perfect world, if your H or W could do the things that you wanted them to do to save your marriage what sorts of things would you want them to do?

I'm reading "After the Affair" and according to the textbook it is possible, I would just like to hear comments from "real" people's lives.

There is no hope for my marriage as H is still with OW but curious what it would take as a lot of people seem like they would love for their marriages to work out even after infidelity.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Exactly what he did/is doing.

Apologized profusely, let me see how sorry he was. Communicate, communicate and communicate some more. Went to MC when previously never would go when asked. Treats me like you should treat your wife that you're madly in love with. Helps more with kids/house. Shows me that he's trying to change, not do the things that irritate me. (and I him)

Honestly making our marriage what it should have been prior to A. If it was like this, the A would have never, ever happened.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thats a good book.

For us it was all about my CW commitment to always stay in touch. I mean she calls all the time,when she's at work. Kind of like it used to be when we were kids. I'm talking 5 times a day.

She stays with me and she stopped going out with friends. She just gave her self back to me. She dropped all the thing she was doing and focused on me. 

She turns in her reciepts from work (she has a cash draw and that she picks up and drops off before and after work) this validates her time at work.

Her cell phone is always left out and I have access to all her accounts and pass words.

Granted she can hide and go deep underground and maybe I'm just being managed, but after 20 years of marriage (13 of which were...lets say unhealthy) I just have a sense about her commitment. She just is all over it, I mean I can tell.

Sex is better,we kiss more.

She apoligizes, and thanks me, regarding the affair and taking her back. I wanted to drop her like a hot rock but sh*t happens. I made her do the heavy lifting will I did my own 180. Its working.

Any way I see and feel alot of remorse from her, she has told me all the ughly details and together we are moving on to a healthier marriage.

Just like in the book "different marriage with different behaviors, but with the same person"


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

true remorse and sincere commitment to do the heavy lifting to heal the wounds.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Today's reaction: 

Better check the temperature in Hades because it will have to be frozen over there for me to consider R.

*** Answer subject to change with the direction of the wind.***


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## heartbroken1957 (Apr 8, 2011)

Not there yet. But all the above that was listed. 
Perhaps it could be summed up as,

He has to care.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Genuine deep from the gut remorse......and a lot of begging !!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

It wouldnt happen for me either. No reconciliation here. The damage he has done is beyond repair.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> It wouldnt happen for me either. No reconciliation here. The damage he has done is beyond repair.


:iagree:


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Truthfully....Insanity on my part.


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

827Aug said:


> Truthfully....Insanity on my part.


Hahaha! I have to agree with this one. Or maybe stupidity.


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## Ninja1980 (May 23, 2011)

Pretty much what mommy2 and The Guy described, with also cutting the OW and her family (H is close to the oldest kid, as well) completely out of our lives. COMPLETELY. OW is H's friend from high school, one of his best friend, but she HAS. TO. GO. in order for R. That's the part I'm not confident he's willing to do. Hasn't done it yet. Granted, he's still maintaining his confession of the A to a friend was a lie, but I stand by the fact that even if there was no PA, he's having an EA with her and it's unacceptable. She goes, and then we can work on our relationship, or it's over. It's her or me.


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## Kcrat (Mar 18, 2011)

WOW! This is one of the most interesting and exciting threads I've read. For me, it would take a deep, sincere, apology from him for the A, and all the other immoral behavior that has transpired, plus the lying about and hiding monies from me. I would also need a desire on HIS part for a R. He would need to promise to go to MC with me, and to communicate and solve issues instead of ignoring/avoiding them. He would also have to remove the OW (his ex fiance') from the picture COMPLETELY, and never get back on Facebook as long as he lives! I would need to see phones, computers, etc. at will. I would ask that he choose to love, and focus all of his attention on ME, and me only, and I would agree to the same. I too, would be willing to make MANY necessary, and positive changes on my part


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

My wife and I are working toward R right now. She had an EA with a long time friend that went pretty deep. My emotions are completely tied to getting rid of the OM. As she reassures me that she is done with him, I feel so much better, like I got a happy pill. When I get suspicious or think she might contact him, I feel like dying. 

But like mommy said, my W is doing a lot of heavy lifting. Sex is better, kissing more, tighter bonding. Fights are resolved faster and are much less often. We are trying to have the marriage we should have been having. And I know I played a role in it's downfall. We both have clarity at this point. Mommy's post is exactly where we are right now, but I'm maybe earlier on and more tenuous.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Insanity + Hades freezing over, LOL -- YES (...and yet I'm trying for R, because THAT is what love does to us fools; we are insane and know Hades must be freezing over...)

Their total 100% re-commitment, starting with a full apology and acceptance of accountability for the A. And don't stop with apologizing once; I've told my wife find a way to apologize at least twice, every day. While I will take accountability for my actions that made you feel the way you did before the A, never, ever blame me for your choice.

TOTAL transparency on cell, email, computer, chat + money.

No Contact, not even once, by any means.

Answer all questions, about the A and about anything else. No lies, about anything. Zero. Even if the truth hurts.

Communication about *every*thing, small and large.
Enter MC for as long as it takes.

Consciously re-set boundaries with every male you encounter now.

Tells me where she is at all times, responds immediately to my texts or calls, and goes nowhere 'questionable' nor anywhere I don't want her to be.

Remove your 'friends' that knew about your A and did nothing to try to stop it.

Temporarily over-attend to me and my needs, and over-share in the smaller things like housework and childcare while I put my head on somewhat straight again.

Recognition and understanding that all of the above are non-negotiable, and a one-strike-and-you're-out policy is in force for the remainder of this marriage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

First of all, it'd take the BS even wanting to reconcile with the DS. The decision lies with them. 

If they want to, the DS has to own what they did, accept full responsibility, give full transparency, honesty, MC, and a lot of EARNING .. earning trust/respect/love back. Through actions.

Oh and no contact with OM/OW. That's a no-brainer.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

I agree with the apologies and effort. My wife has been trying to to do the heavy lifting but has been having trouble as she has gone into a deep depression from all of this. 

Full transparency and no-contact are givens. The rest we are working on as we go along. The main thing as many others have said is that now we are trying to have the marriage we should have had all along.


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

theres a book i got,

How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful 

pretty good simply laid out book for our spouses who are to dumb to realize they did something dumb...

seriously, it does a pretty good job at out lining alot of stuff, but not overwhelming. a good portion is stuff, we already know, but for people like my wife, it would be an easy read, so she could get a better idea of whats necssasary. its clear enough and concise to make it a good starting point.

once that reconciliation begins, and she goes NC, honesty, transperancy, answers ?'s , then we can start to rebuild what was wrong in our marriage...

but i also have 2 sticking points all my own.

1. she has to pursue me. flat out. boost my ego. i know how much energy she put into the affair, the lies, sneaking, cheating. the effort and the do anything in the world for him-ness that she did.
im aware that i cant replicate the infatuation they have. we had that once in high school, i cant give her the same feelings he gave her, just because the nature of it all...but i can give her better. but i want her to prove to me that im worth the hunt and fight dammit. 

2. if i feel for one second that im second choice or place. forget it. really its realted to number one. but heck, shes destroyed my ego she has to help rebuild it. i think that if they were to end it, and go NC, i want either a period of time in between or something that proves to me that she isnt jumping from one to another...

in a perfect world. we go to work, she gets a restraining order to show its over and i deliver it to him...and she tells him to his face what a huge mistake shes made, how she could give up perfection for somehting that was such a waste of time..

thats wight, i want to be an ego maniac for a day at least..


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## heartbroken1957 (Apr 8, 2011)

I like #1, elph. That is what I would like to have from my H, But he doesn't see it that way and most of the posts I see are the same way. It seems to be a gerneral consensus that the Marriage was a problem or the cheater wouldn't have cheated. And if the marriage is in bad shape it must be the Faithful one's fault at least 50%. 
I'm not all in on that 50% my fault stuff. I admit I was letting things just ride, but, you can lead a horse to water BUT you can't make them drink. Meaning....
I can flirt, coo, initiate, be sexy what ever is needed. I can't force him to love me, want me or need me. That is totally up to him, and if he decides he is going to blame me for his wanting out, so be it. He can tell the world how horrible I was, only he and I will know the truth.


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

i agree heart broken. and i know what my portion of the marital problems are. and i am more than willing to give it a try.

but at the same time, i feel that to get that process started there has to be a sens of trying to right the ship, in terms of feeling a certain way.

we all know we should search for our own happiness. to not rely on other people. and a lot of people will do some signifigant healing before it may get to the reconcilliation phase.

but knowing, after what your spouse did, that they want to work on it, well thats icing on the cake. in my opinion one needs that to regain a sense of equilibrium in the relationship. to get something close to normal, so that you can focus on the next steps of reconciliation. 


say in my case.

my wife texted him. alot. and for about 3 months i had access to every single one of those. the things they said, the plans she made.

well, i definatly dont want to be texted anything. that was their thing. and there are word and such she used. so she would need a thesaurus, so the doenst use the same word in the context of our relationship.
so wheres that leave her. 

how about randomly showing up at work with a single rose.
my wife used to do this when we started dating years ago. now a days, its a bit of a drive to my job, and we have a son...so it would take effort. and creativity. and at the same time have a nod to when we were courting each other. little things like that would make a HUGE differernce. 

but thats just me


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

oh thats a good one..

im jumping on the post nup idea...thatll show commitment...

idea, stolen.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Have you given him that list White Rabbit - you should.


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

What list?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

what it would take for her to CONSIDER r


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## rogue25 (May 14, 2011)

You know up until recently that is something I really wanted was to reconcile with my H. But now that I'm good place and he Is a full on committed relationship with the OW and our divorce is final. I don't I could ever go back, when I wanted to I had a list of all the things I would want him to do in order to reconcile and the list was long. But I agree with most of the people I would have to be insane or stupid to want to go back to my life with him. It is unrealistic to think that he would change( or that any would for that matter).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

In your case it couldn't work Rogue. In mine and many others it does. In order for it to work, BOTH have to want to try. I'm sorry your H didn't.


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## notmotivated (Jun 11, 2011)

i think in order for reconciliation to work, both people have to actually be really interested in making things work. if only one party is putting all of the effort, even if they were the ones that cheated or betrayed you, then things will just go back to the way they were before the problem and nothing will get solved or improve.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

notmotivated said:


> i think in order for reconciliation to work, both people have to actually be really interested in making things work. if only one party is putting all of the effort, even if they were the ones that cheated or betrayed you, then things will just go back to the way they were before the problem and nothing will get solved or improve.


:iagree: totally


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

If you really love your spouse or partner unconditionally R is likely to work. 

When one person in a marriage or relationship offers only conditional love, R isn't likely to happen.


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

define the difference between conditional and unconditional love?


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Conditional is if you do this I'll love you. Unconditional is if you do this it will help me but if you don't, it won't make me not love you


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## heartbroken1957 (Apr 8, 2011)

Thank You 8yearscheating. Right now I have a conditional R. And I don't like it. If I have to forgive the affair, he should forgive my harm to the marriage.


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## rulebraker (Jun 14, 2011)

I am glad to read what 2xloser stated. I do truly love my husband and realize my cheating was nothing but myself not caring about anyone else but my own feelings at that time. unlike some of the other posts here I did not (and have never) had an EA with anyone. It was only quick casual sex with a joint friend of many years in an intoxicated state. 

This is only one week fresh (from finding out - 2 mths from when it occurred). He is stating that he thinks he wants to work it out but doesn't think he will ever be able to trust me again - ever. 

So my question I guess is... Is it really possible to forgive and let it stay in the past? Or, does the thought of your spouse cheating always come up? As selfish as this is to say, I don't know that I want to be one of those people that just "stay together for the kids" and split up as soon as they are out of high school. I am 38 - husband is 40 - and as much as I dread the change of a divorce right now I am not sure what I dread more. The change resulting in a divorce, or the loss and hurt I have caused my husband.

Any advice would be great as we have been together for 17 years and up until recently I have thought that he was my perfect soul-mate.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Lazarus said:


> If you really love your spouse or partner unconditionally R is likely to work.
> 
> When one person in a marriage or relationship offers only conditional love, R isn't likely to happen.


COMPLETELY, TOTALLY disagree, sorry.

Other than love for a child, I'm sorry, but I firmly, strongly believe that all love IS conditional... ie, if you love me, but I beat you to a bloody pulp every day for the rest of your life, sooner or later you will stop loving me. It's conditional. Cheaters do the equivalent of beating to a bloody pulp.

Nevetheless, my love for my wife doesn't come with much condition at all. I will always love her. But I WILL NOT stay with her if she cheats on me again, or even shows me that she really wants to cheat on me, or causes me concern that she will by not respecting my wishes. She lost the right to unconditional *treatment*, because that got me cheated on.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

rulebraker - you both cna heal and you build a new marriage. The same LEVEL of trust will never return. But trust will. Can I sugegst you go to beyondaffairs.com and click the seminars tab themn the teleseminars tab. There is one on the betrayed spuses in 2010 you should listen to. All of them are good. They give a good descriptionof how healing should occur for both of you


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

rulebraker said:


> So my question I guess is... Is it really possible to forgive and let it stay in the past? Or, does the thought of your spouse cheating always come up?.


Not being snarky, but a serious questions: Would you, if the tables were reversed, be able to put it out of your mind and let it stay in the past? I know that's how you would like it to be as the WS, but as the LS could you really expect that of yourself? 

I don't think so.

Isn't it _always_ gonna be there, in some way? Maybe eventually it doesn't have to dominate every waking moment for the LS, at some point in their healing, but to suggest anyone can put it away and never allow it back into their thoughts is imho just not being realistic. 

My take +43 days from DDay is that maybe, maybe somehow there's a way for it to become a 'managed' thing (the triggers, the random thought, the flashback, the video playing over & over), and maybe evolve to 'well-managed' over time - but it can never go away or be totally put in the past and forgotten about or never rear its ugly head. It would be like suggesting you never have thoughts about someone close to you who has died, because it's too painful to think about them.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

You are correct 2x, you don't get over it, you get through it and it slowly but surely diminishes to the point where it doesn't dig at you anymore. How quickly that happens is totally dependent on both of you face it and work THROUGH it.


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## Woman13 (Apr 23, 2013)

To *2xloser* on your definition of Reconciliation: While I understand feeling this initially, you will completely suffocate her if this continues. In fact, our MC said to STOP apologizing. If there was a sincere apology, you know that she's sorry--that she has done what she can do on that end and you can't keep torturing her every day. I'm sure she does enough self torturing for what she's done to take care of it for both of you. 

It sounds more like a dictatorship now than a relationship. While I understand this initially, you cannot expect her to basically be your "slave" for the rest of the marriage. I understand that you said "temporarily" on the one section, but you will have to let her breathe...I'm assuming the "one strike and you're out" policy is if she cheats again, not if she somehow cannot do one of the above mentioned things.

One more thing...her friends that she confided in--they were exactly that--FRIENDS who listened to her, didn't judge her (or maybe they did) but tried to help HER through this. It is not their business to meddle in your marriage--it was only your wife's decision to tell you. Her friends were probably what she needed the most during that time. So while in anger it seems that she should not see these friends again.....keep in mind that those friends may have helped her see the light, and maybe also be the ones to help bring your marriage back together. Just speaking from experience! Good Luck to you both


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Holy zombie thread!! LOL


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Woman13 said:


> While I understand feeling this initially, you will completely suffocate her if this continues. In fact, our MC said to STOP apologizing. If there was a sincere apology, you know that she's sorry--that she has done what she can do on that end and you can't keep torturing her every day. I'm sure she does enough self torturing for what she's done to take care of it for both of you.
> 
> It sounds more like a dictatorship now than a relationship. While I understand this initially, you cannot expect her to basically be your "slave" for the rest of the marriage. I understand that you said "temporarily" on the one section, but you will have to let her breathe...I'm assuming the "one strike and you're out" policy is if she cheats again, not if she somehow cannot do one of the above mentioned things.
> 
> One more thing...her friends that she confided in--they were exactly that--FRIENDS who listened to her, didn't judge her (or maybe they did) but tried to help HER through this. It is not their business to meddle in your marriage--it was only your wife's decision to tell you. Her friends were probably what she needed the most during that time. So while in anger it seems that she should not see these friends again.....keep in mind that those friends may have helped her see the light, and maybe also be the ones to help bring your marriage back together. Just speaking from experience! Good Luck to you both


Ummmmmmmmmmmm, like this thread died 2 years ago.


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## tinamh (Dec 5, 2013)

My husband works on the road, and I am in the process of trying to learn if it was truly a one-time, month-long fling on the road as he claims (nearly 10 years ago, but he has done nothing except smother me and pretend nothing happened), or if he is a serial cheater with "a girl in nearly every port". My gut says it, or other inappropriate/unacceptable behaviors have never ceased. I just told him he has to look for a job with no travel, and plan to share some of your posts with him this weekend and finally have the discussion that is long overdue. I am seeing IC, though he doesn't know, and at this point I am so unhappy in this marriage that I don't really care if he blows up. If he refuses to discuss and just throws out the "why would I want to do something to throw away everything I have...." line again, I am finished. Great posts everyone.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

> Ummmmmmmmmmmm, like this thread died 2 years ago.











*The Walking Thread Part 2*

Some threads never die........


/zombie!!!!


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## struggling55 (Jan 16, 2013)

AppleDucklings said:


> It wouldnt happen for me either. No reconciliation here. The damage he has done is beyond repair.


The question is determining whether it's beyond repair. Sometimes it feels like it for me, but we're still together, in counselling, 1 year after I found out about his use of prostitutes. A whole lifetime together to lose if I can't cope. He's clear that he wants to stay - I'm hurting so much still that I'm not sure that I can take it.


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