# Help! My husband's thinking about divorce



## marinewife (Oct 25, 2011)

My husband and I have been married for a little over three years. We went through a rough patch that started about six months into our marriage and ended almost two years ago. It was a combination of not understanding each other as much as we thought and not knowing how to meet each other's needs. What really made things worse was my depression and anxiety. I had thought I had overcome it because for almost two years I had been going great and had even been able to come off of my medication. When things started getting bad between us and especially after his father sent me a hurtful Facebook message my depression and anxiety came into play in a big way. We got into marriage counseling and I started taking an anti-anxiety medication that's done wonders.

So here we are a year and a half after our rough patch ended and my husband said he's considering divorce because he can't move past the pain. He says that even though he's forgiven me for it (though he says he hasn't forgotten) and that things are 10 times better and even though I've done everything he's asked me to with regards to my depression and anxiety, apologized for it and expressed my regret multiple times and have pursued counseling on my own it's still not enough for him and he still can't move past it. Also even though he wants children badly he refuses to have them with me because he says he doesn't want me to put them through what I put him through. He feels he's never going to be comfortable having children with me no matter how much better either of us gets. Since having children is one of his long-time dreams he feels the only way he can have them is if he divorces me and finds someone else to have children with.

I feel that we can work through the marital and individual issues and rebuild and restore our marriage but he's almost at the point of giving up. He says the only things holding him back right now is his reluctance to hurt me and his history of ending relationships in the past only to regret it.

I don't know what to do. I've been as loving and supportive as I can. For the past year and a half I've made sure I've been on the medication. In that time we've only have two incidents where things got kind of bad. I've pursued therapy on my own and in the past two years, especially the past year, I've made huge strides. Since I've struggled with fear myself I've tried to encourage him to not let his fear get the better of him and to keep fighting. Please! I need advice. I don't want to lose my husband and best friend.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

All you can do is to continue working on being the best you can be... do it for yourself.

He is going to do whatever it is he is going to do. 

If he cannot deal with who you are, then he's not the man for you. I know it would be painful to lose him. But if that happens you will be better equipted to find a new partner who understands your situation and who will love you and work with you.


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Counter intuitively the best chance you have of him staying is if you show the strength and confidence that you would be OK if he left. 

You love him and would want him as a partner but only if he's committed to it. Otherwise yes it will hurt but you will be OK. That is the attitude you need. 

Read and implement the 180, it will help: 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/609945-post77.html


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

You need to do the 180. Truly and fully. See how hw feels then.


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## marinewife (Oct 25, 2011)

Up until he brought up divorce a week ago I HAVE been happy and content and doing most of the things listed in the 180. After being unemployed for a year and a half he just got a job out-of-state, which he starts on Monday, and I've been really excited about moving. I've been rating our marriage a 7 out of 10 for months while he's been rating it a 4.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Check his phone records and computer for a name/number you don't recognize that he contacts a lot.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

> ...my husband said he's considering divorce because he can't move past the pain. He says that even though he's forgiven me for it (though he says he hasn't forgotten)...it's still not enough for him and he still can't move past it.


Can't get past what?


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## marinewife (Oct 25, 2011)

BeachGuy said:


> Can't get past what?


We went through a rough patch that ended a year and a half ago. It was a painful time for both of us. I've been able to work through it but he hasn't been able to do that. He still has a lot of pain connected to those events. Also he's so afraid things will get that bad again even though I'm on anti-anxiety medication and I've made strides through counseling.


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## marinewife (Oct 25, 2011)

Unfortunately things have just gotten more complicated. My husband has been unemployed for a year and a half now. It's really taken a toll on him and caused him to withdraw emotionally, physically and sexually. He finally got offered a job but it's out-of-state. We decided together he should take it and he starts Monday. Originally we were planning on me going with him when he left to start the job. Then he decided that he would feel more comfortable if I stayed put until his probation was over in case it didn't work out. Plus he felt that "absence would make the heart grow fonder." I really hated the idea but I agreed to it. Then two weeks ago I got laid off so we again planned for me to accompany him. Tonight he said he feels he does need that time away from me to talk to God and his dad and get his head on straight. He said that once he finds an apartment he'll come back to help me load up the truck, which his dad and I will then drive to our new apartment. He felt it made more sense then having me drive out, fly back to load our stuff then drive out again.
I am terrified. I'm scared he won't contact me at all while he's gone because he has a history of doing it and that I won't get a call telling me to come but divorce papers. I agreed to it because I felt I had little option. He has been more affectionate since I agreed to it but I'm still so scared.


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

Sometimes a temporary separation brings couples closer, but it can also strain relationship.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

First - congratulations on getting treatment for your depression & anxiety & getting better! Unless you've been there (I have) most people have no idea how hard it is.

I am so very sorry but your H is checking out of the marriage & using the past as an excuse. A loving spouse would be thrilled that you are better & doing what you need to do.

The separation may make him realize he misses you & still loves you but if you act needy & clingy, it could push him into a D.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

I am sorry you are going through this. Sounds like you are doing the right things getting your illness treated. I would recommend couples counseling.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He's cheating on you. Have you checked his phone records yet?


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## marinewife (Oct 25, 2011)

My husband has been gone for two weeks now. After contacting me a lot the first couple of days the communication has really slackened off. I asked him on Monday if he's made a decision yet and he said he hadn't. We talked on Skype on Thursday and had a good conversation. We didn't get into anything heavy but talked about his job and what I've been up to. I'm trying to be as normal and routine as possible in our talks. I've been kicking myself to stop moping around the apartment and get to the stuff that needs done and get out of the house. I also put my resume up on a bunch of websites but I haven't started looking at or applying for jobs yet. I turned in the 30 day notice on the apartment because I knew I couldn't afford more than another month's rent. If I get to the end of the 30 days and he still hasn't made a decision I'll be seperating out our stuff, putting mine in storage and moving in with my parents at which point I would have to start actively looking for a job.

Even though I'm trying to move on with my life and am making plans to take care of myself if it gets to that point I'm not giving up. I'm going to continue working on my issues and praying he finds healing for his. I'm not going to give up on the marriage unless he forces a divorce on me. Only if a divorce becomes final will I give up.

I know he's not cheating. For one, he's not the kind of man to do that. Second, I've been cheated on before and I know what to look for.


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## Lifeisnotsogood2 (Sep 1, 2012)

How about you? Did you cheat on him during your "rough patch". Is that what he can't get over?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So you DIDN'T check the phone records?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

What concerns me most is his admitted pattern of ending relationships only to regret it. That sounds really immature to me, and if he is still like that, well, not good.

He may be cheating. What type of pain did you cause him? Some sense of what he has been through would help. Lots of people have to deal with depression and anxiety and it does not cause irremediable pain to their partner. If you did something extreme-suicide attempt(s), cheating, etc.--just tell us. No one is going to judge you and it will help with responses.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

marinewife said:


> We went through a rough patch that ended a year and a half ago. It was a painful time for both of us. I've been able to work through it but he hasn't been able to do that. He still has a lot of pain connected to those events. Also he's so afraid things will get that bad again even though I'm on anti-anxiety medication and I've made strides through counseling.


you still havent answered a pivotal question; What happened during that Rough Patch that your husband cannot get past?


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## marinewife (Oct 25, 2011)

Lifeisnotsogood2 said:


> How about you? Did you cheat on him during your "rough patch". Is that what he can't get over?


No, I never have cheated on him and I never would. We were fighting a lot and yelling at each other a lot. Then my depression and anxiety flared up and he didn't know how to handle me. He would tell me he loved me and I would tell him he was lying and that he'd leave me because I couldn't hold on to anything positive. I banged my head against the wall a couple of times trying to hurt myself because I felt so horrible for hurting him and putting him through everything. He really didn't know how to handle that and emotionally withdrew. I was depressed and not the happy vibrant person I was before or that I am now.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

While you're in limbo, read this book, so you'll know what to do if it works out, and you'll know what to do if it doesn't work out. His Needs Her Needs by Harley.


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## marinewife (Oct 25, 2011)

It's been almost a month since he left and while I still have the will to hang on I'm loosing hope. He hardly communicates with me and when he does it's usually through text and is about his job and other surface level topics. I'm afraid he's made the decision to divorce me but he's afraid to tell me. I'm going to have to move in with my parents in 1 1/2 weeks and leave a lot of stuff behind. Right now it feels inevitable that he's going to divorce me even though that's the last thing I want. I don't know what to do to save my marriage or if it even can be saved at this point.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you done ANY monitoring to see what women he's been with?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Does he realize that his indecision and non-communication is going to lead to you being essentially evicted from your apartment? Have you discussed that with him?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Sadly it sounds like he is checking out of the marriage. Please keep taking your meds (if you are) & do whatever you need to do, like get a job, so that you don't spiral down into a deep depression.

Because guess what? Your husband is not worth it! He couldn't handle your illness & he will never be able to because he is self-centered & not a caring, empathetic person.

He doesn't deserve you.


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