# Really long, tired of feeling expendable need some advice



## KittKat (May 2, 2011)

Hey,
I don't really know where to begin. This is my first time asking for help like this, so here it goes...My boyfriend and I have been dating for the past three and a half years, and living together for about two and a half years. We met in college and both of us graduated last year. When I left for college I had been in an abusive relationship for four years which is a whole different story but has defiantly left me with some trust issues. When I started school I moved away from my family (who at the time lived in Texas and has since moved elsewhere) to Georgia just because I had never lived here and I thought I would try it out. I am a military brat and some of the best experiences I have ever had have been moving to new places. I never planned on staying in Georgia once I graduated and the industry I picked (videogame design) often requires you to move in order to find work. I had no problem with this since I planned on traveling anyway. My boyfriend on the other hand was born and raised here, his entire family lives here, and I think he is scared to move anywhere else.

He is also annoyingly close to his parents. Don't get me wrong I love being with someone who loves and respects their parents, but he is 27 years old and even though he has a job and makes his own money his mom still handles all of his finances. Whenever we go out to do anything if he spends any money he calls his mom afterwards so she can write down all of the prices. Any cent he spends on me she knows about. They also used to talk on the phone at least five times a day, and he calls her every single morning on his way to work. She knows every meal he eats, and anything we do. Anytime we go anywhere she always wants to go there too. For example there was a bar we went to a couple of times for karaoke night on a date that we had lots of fun at and so when they came up to visit (they live 3 hours away) one time while I was away visiting my family she insisted on going. While we were in school we also used to spend months at a time living at their house every time we were on break. He also once told me that he probably would not even love his first born child as much as he does his mom. So there are some definite jealousy issues there which I try to ignore but we have gotten in millions of fights about. 

Anyways while we were in school we had talked about getting engaged after we graduated and we had also agreed that since we both knew the field that we were in required moving, whoever had the better job offers the other one would move there. To me that is just what you do when you love someone and supposedly want to spend the rest of your life with them. They become your most important family and if they move away for work you move with them. If he got a great job tomorrow in Timbuktu I would move there with him. Since we graduated, however, all of our plans have changed. Now he doesn't want to marry me until he gets most of his student loans paid off (which could take 10-20 years or more.) And he told me flat out that he does not want to leave here. Which part of that is because of his parents which he doesn't seem to understand that just because you move away for a while doesn't mean that you lose your relationship with them. Plus I know that his parents would resent me if he ever moved to be with me, his mom already told me once to never talk about marriage with him again because he couldn't afford it right now. And she lectured a starbucks guy for 5 min who asked me why I didn't have a ring on my finger yet about how we shouldn't even consider getting married yet because we just couldn't afford it. She is a very nice lady and has done a lot for me, but I can defiantly tell she doesn't want her baby boy to get married. 

So anyways back to moving...I am seriously struggling to find work in this particular state and might have a job offer in another state, and we have fought and fought over the issue. He doesn't understand why I would even apply in another state he just thinks the only thing that will make me happy is him moving and tells me that I should look into getting a job at the mall or something. He has tried to help me find work here but no one is hiring in our industry right now. All he currently has is a job making $10 an hour as a game tester and if I got a job doing what we actually went to school for somewhere else making more money he still doesn't want to move because of his "great" job. Our last fight about it (last weekend) he told me that if the only thing that will make me happy is him moving then fine, if I find him a job in the state I get hired at he will move. The problem there is that he has told me flat out before that he wouldn't/doesn't want to leave so I would feel awful if I made him move and his parents would resent me too. 

When I came to school I had plans to see the world, now I feel like if we stay together and do one day get married I'm going to have to do everything on my own. If we ever have kids and I get a great job somewhere else I'm going to have to still move on my own and live on my own for however many years. I don't want to live like that. It also makes me feel like in his life I am the only thing that is expendable to him. The only thing he can deal with spending years apart from. That he is ok with the thought of spending 2 years or more away from me, but can't stand the thought of leaving his old high school friends, parents, and a state. The way I was raised if you love them and want to spend your life with them, you move for them. Also if I move away what is probably going to happen (since we most likely won't even be engaged yet since he wants to pay most of his $100,000 + worth of student loans of first) I will move away and we will try the long distance thing for awhile and then eventually grow apart. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to give up my dreams either and it feels like the only person whose dreams and plans ever matter are his. I am just so afraid. If I stay here and get a job at the mall, but he never proposes and we never get married (I mean why would he want to he has his cake and eats it too right now already) then I'll have wasted my life for nothing, but I do want to make this relationship work at the same time. 

He has also said many times that I should just enjoy what we have now and why do I want to get married so bad because what is the big difference from what we have now. That just shows me he has no desire to tie the knot anytime soon because to him there is no difference anyway. Well guess what it matters to me A LOT, but like I said he already has his cake and eats it too, and his plans seem to be the only ones that matter. We live like we are married without the title and permanent commitment to one another and he still has his mom to take care of him. I know some of you will be saying marriage isn't permanent anymore divorce rate blah blah blah, and trust my I know my mom and biological father were divorced when I was really young. But still when you get married that is the intent, that you are marrying them to spend your life with them because you love each other and hate the thought of being apart or with anyone else. Sorry so long, just have a lot of concerns I guess. I don't even really know exactly what I'm asking it is all so scattered. Thank you for reading though.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Honestly I think it is time to cut your losses and get out now. A man who is in love with you will move heaven and earth to be with you.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Inloveforeverwithhubby said:


> Honestly I think it is time to cut your losses and get out now. A man who is in love with you will move heaven and earth to be with you.


:iagree: And a 27 year old momma's boy will never be anything but.
Think about it; Do you want to marry his mother? Because I guarantee you that he will always put his mother above you.


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## KittKat (May 2, 2011)

Hey,
Thanks for your responses guys, I really appreciate it. I kind of have a feeling that is what I am going to have to do, it is just so difficult to leave someone you love and have tried so hard to make things work. My bf tells me all the time that I need to grow up and that I live in a fantasy world (referring usually to the whole moving situation and sometimes to marriage when he can't afford it.) The thing is I have some money saved up I could use for the wedding, and I have told him over and over I don't need anything fancy especially in regards to a ring. I even told him I'd be fine with a courthouse wedding, so I don't know why he continues to use money as an excuse. I think it is something else. It's not like our finances would change if we got married. We both pay bills 50/50 as it is right now anyway. The thing that would change I guess is him mailing his checks to his mom as soon as he gets them (I don't even ever see them and I have to pay half of the bills) and her getting into his email to check out how much the utilities are so she can put enough in his bank account for bills. The whole situation really upsets me. If I were to go snooping around in his email all the time he would freak out, but he swears she doesn't look at anything else because she isn't nosey (yeah right.) 

I know you guys are right, if I stay with him she will always be his number one no matter what. I think I do live in a fantasy world because I have this fairy tale idea that someday I'd be the most important person in someone's life (I wanted it to be his). And that if I did move away he'd eventually realize how much I meant to him and that he wanted to be with me no matter what and would come after me. I think I have unrealistic expectations of relationships. I had also kind of hoped that if we did get married he would start to put me first. He does it every once in a while like this weekend for example we went to go visit them since it was his dad's 70th birthday (they are coming to see us this weekend for mother's day...joy...) and we were out eating dinner and she interrupted what I was saying (she does this a lot) and my bf actually said something to her about it. Not that it is something to celebrate or anything but it did feel nice for him to stand up for me against his mom for half a second lol. Well anyways thank you so much for your responses! If I get a job somewhere else I am going to take and see what happens. If he does come after me then maybe there is hope if not then I guess we will probably grow apart which is most likely for the best.


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