# How do I cope?



## alwayshere (Apr 16, 2014)

I just got the evidence I needed that proves my H is cheating. This is an absolutely horrible feeling. I never thought I would be here. I have been with him for 27 years. Can someone please tell me how to deal with this? 
I cant eat, I cant sleep, my heart is shattered. This is amazingly painful. Please help!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Keep breathing.
Of course your heart is shattered by his betrayal.
What kind of evidence did you get? What was the cheating emotion/physical/sexting?

First, call your MD and discuss meds for depression/anxiety and STD test (yuck I know, but since you believe you have evidence of infidelity you don't really know who the other person slept with)

Second, breath. You have to process this before you take your next step. What would you like to do? Marital counseling in the hopes of reconciliation? divorce?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm so sorry you are going through this.. its sucks.

First you need to get yourself into a better place. As Pluto2 suggested, see a doctor for anti-depressants and STD test.

Then you need a plan of action.

How long have you known about his cheating? Does he know that you know?

What evidence do you have?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Find out who the AP(affair partner) is before you confront your old man.

If the AP is married then expose this A to OWH (other womens husband)

Often telling OWH first will nuck the affair.

Now that you have proof follow up with more investigation so you can have the most effective confrontation.
Basicly the more you know the less chance of him talking his way out of it. When confronting with real specific things like names places and times, it makes the cheater think you know more then you really know and with a better chances of a confession.

This is pretty general tactics, so please give us some more info on your d-day (discovery day) with regards to getting better advice.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

You have the right to reconcile IF he is truly remorseful (not regret he was caught). You have the right to divorce. 

If you do R, you have the right to stop and go to D at the time for any reason.

He has no vote with this. You can also start the D process and stop it at any point.

See a lawyer and have a plan. Peruse TAM for ideas. Many folks with the same experiences and emotions you are going through who can give you much support. Try not to confront too early.

Have your ducks all in a row.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My thoughts, most of which have already been mentioned. Talk to a lawyer about your options, based on your area. If you do end up deciding to divorce, the infidelity may or may not make a difference. 

Take some time to figure out what you want to do. I know it would be incredibly hard to sit on the information, but it's best. Whatever you do, don't confront before you know as much as you need (or want) to know. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

Breathe for now and tell a very close female friend or family member who can give hugs. Don't think about next steps for a few days. Just cry...Let it all out... When you pick yourself up off the floor, just remember, your heart has been broken before and you survived it. 

Since you can't eat or sleep, just drink lots of water. Avoid alcohol. Even talk to your doctor and get a muscle relaxer for now. It will help you to sleep. 

Critical: Please read the Newbie post by AlmostRecovered. The next step would be confrontation. Based on his reaction and comparing the info in the Newbie post, you will know what your next course of action will be.


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## Papillon (Jun 26, 2013)

alwayshere said:


> I just got the evidence I needed that proves my H is cheating. This is an absolutely horrible feeling. I never thought I would be here. I have been with him for 27 years. Can someone please tell me how to deal with this?
> I cant eat, I cant sleep, my heart is shattered. This is amazingly painful. Please help!



Having recently been through this horror myself, I can tell you that the best advice I received from a dear friend was not to do anything or make any decisions right now. Give it a little time and your feelings will settle a little. You'll be hurt and angry and afraid and shattered and then maybe even in denial. You'll blame yourself even if you're blameless. Whatever feelings come, just let them come and let everything sit for a little while. Or a long while, whatever you decide. 

It's not time yet to consider divorce or reconciliation. It's time to take care of yourself. Don't make any big decisions when you're in this emotional state. 

I'm so very sorry for you. Hang in there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

alwayshere said:


> I just got the evidence I needed that proves my H is cheating. This is an absolutely horrible feeling. I never thought I would be here. I have been with him for 27 years. Can someone please tell me how to deal with this?
> I cant eat, I cant sleep, my heart is shattered. This is amazingly painful. Please help!


See your doctor. Counselling might help.

Are you 100% sure of the facts?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

If your H is remorseful, and you can R, then there are certain steps to take. 

If he is not remorseful, then you need to read about the 180 and getting distance from your H.

I am sorry you are in this situation. It hurts. With my wife, I am still trying to protect myself from further pain. 

I find that exercise makes me feel better about myself. This was a huge blow to my self-esteem. I hope you realize that this is not about you, but something about him. Your self-esteem should still be strong. 

I do hope you find a good counselor. 

Will your H write you a timeline of his A and go NC with the OW?

I do hope your H will be supportive of you, in dealing with your hurt. I do not ever want to go thru this pain again. 

I do wish you well.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

does he know that you know?


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## alwayshere (Apr 16, 2014)

He doesnt know I know yet. He just thinks I still suspect. I have text messages that proved my suspicions. How I got them is a little complicated but that doesnt matter anyway. 

This isnt the first time something like this has come up, but the first time I have been able to get real evidence. Since this (now obviously) has happened before, I am done. 

I guess my biggest problem now is getting thru the pain, and then starting my life over!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I am so sorry. It hurts so much and you often feel like you can't even take a breath. But you do, and another, and then you forget that you can breath all on your own.

Start the 180, (there's a sticky at the top of CWI that explains it) it is a way to help you detach and become stronger. Force yourself to go about your day with a smile on your face, even though I know you have nothing to smile about.

This is one of the most stressful times you will ever endure, and that is why so many posters have recommended calling your MD for support.

Do you have kids? Are they still in the house? Do you have financial security?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I am so sorry. It hurts so much and you often feel like you can't even take a breath. But you do, and another, and then you forget that you can breath all on your own.

Start the 180, (there's a sticky at the top of CWI that explains it) it is a way to help you detach and become stronger. Force yourself to go about your day with a smile on your face, even though I know you have nothing to smile about.

This is one of the most stressful times you will ever endure, and that is why so many posters have recommended calling your MD for support.

Do you have kids? Are they still in the house? Do you have financial security?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Weightlifter has a thread in CWI about standard evidence. It's great advice for evidence gathering if you are interested, and great advice generally. Sorry I don't know how to include a link in my post.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Have you contacted a lawyer?

If its a coworker then have your husband served at work.

The 180 is the best way to get past the pain, there are several steps that will help you detach from you husband.

Have you thought about just going dark and surprise him with divorce paper?

Stay on the down low, get all your ducks in a row, then once you have your game plan have him served.

Its time for you to get a few steps ahead of your old man in stead being several step behind!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

For many folks its hard to pull the trigger. many flop back and forth in working on it or leaving. You seem to be head of the game by deciding on this marriage being done...now its time to act.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

"Quote" This isnt the first time something like this has come up, but the first time I have been able to get real evidence. Since this (now obviously) has happened before, I am done. "Quote"

I'm very sorry. Since you are done there is a good basic protocol on how to "get it done"

First secure any documentation or evidence about the affair. 

Second, realize this is war. Do not tip your hand to your husband what you know or what you are going to do. Mouth shut, ears and eyes open. The reason is to make it easier for you to cut him off and get a good divorce settlement. 

Next, get a good lawyer and protect your assets and interests. Gather and document anything your lawyer deems useful. Do not threaten divorce or anything like it to your husband. Just quietly move toward the day when it's right to have him served the divorce papers. Lawyer will advise you about separating, etc. 

Next, learn and do the 180. Do not engage or interact with husband any more than necessary. Remember, you are not trying to improve the relationship or nurture the marriage. Many betrayed spouses have a hard time doing this because they want closure, are confused, dazed, etc. If you have kids remain cordial, but aloof. 

Next, see if you can get some counseling from a professional who has experience/training with infidelity. You need to get a head start on how to move on and get healthy again. Beware that there are plenty of idiot marriage counselors who are truly stupid. Hint: look for one who thinks your husband is an inexcusable jerk. 

Finally, the first stage of deliverance arrives when you serve him the divorce papers. It's great to be able to go totally dark on the cheater at this stage, but that is somewhat dependent upon living arraingements as advised by your lawyer. Preferably you can kick him out of your dwelling. 

The serving of divorce papers is also a great time to expose the affair to whoever you think should know. Exposure may or may not work in your favor, usually it does. Again, consult lawyer. Many folks here on TAM have some pretty good insights on these points and you will have to fine tune your path from what I've described. 

I applaud your resolve to be able to say "I'm done". You are making the right decision and I hope you see it through. Good luck.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm very sorry. I can't add anything beyond what has been already posted. Just know that you WILL get through this. It's tough but just take it a tiny bit at a time. Some days I couldn't see beyond the next 30 minutes. And some days I lived 5 minutes at a time. Your world has been shattered. It takes time to absorb that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

alwayshere,

I'm concerned and checking in on you. How are you doing? What's going on?


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