# Article:I Feel Like If I Stay With My Cheating Husband,Then There Are No Consequences



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

This article could apply to both WHs and WWs.

I Feel Like If I Stay With My Cheating Husband, Then There Are No Consequences For His Affair

From the article:

*"They may also just not want to end the relationship to which they have contributed for so long. I might hear a comment like “I am beyond devastated by my husband’s affair. But frankly, he has spent the last several weeks begging me to give him one more chance. He says that he will go to counseling. He says that he will stop going out. He says that he will come straight home from work. He says that I will not be sorry if I just give him one more chance. I am considering this, but here is the big issue that I just can not overcome. I feel like if I stay with him, then he will not suffer any consequences from the affair. He hasn’t lost me. His family was never in jeopardy. Essentially, he just gets to move on with his life. While I get to carry the pain and the insecurity with me. Part of me thinks that I should leave him for a while just to make him afraid of losing me. Shouldn’t a husband have consequences for an affair?” "

"There May Be Consequences You Haven’t Considered: But, who is to say that he doesn’t see the other consequences to his actions? You are requiring that he goes to counseling. He will come right home and curb any going out without you. Additionally, he is likely to notice that the trust between you just isn’t the same and that he is going to have to work hard to restore this. Additionally, it’s a safe bet that you are going to be guarded around him and that this is likely to remain until he is able to undo the damage that has been done.

And, just because you are choosing to stay with him right now, this doesn’t mean that he is home free or that you won’t change his mind. I ultimately did decide to stay with my husband, but I made it very clear that this decision could be retracted at any time if for any reason that I felt that my husband wasn’t trustworthy or sincere. In other words, I was always watching and evaluating. And if something was troublesome to me, then I could reevaluate staying at any time. My husband was well aware of this. And this is definitely just one example of the types of consequences of having an affair."

"There Are Always Losses: There are almost always some losses that are the consequences of his affair. The loss of trust. The loss of a marriage without conflict. The loss of the blind believe that your husband is a good and transparent person. The loss of knowing exactly what tomorrow is going to bring. So no, he doesn’t have the consequence of watching his wife leave immediately. But he likely has the consequence of knowing that this could change at any time. He knows that your marriage is fragile. He knows that he has messed up his marriage and that he now has to fix it. And he knows that the trust and the marriage will need to be rebuilt, which is going to require for him to be the one to take the initiative.

No, these things aren’t as bad as loosing you. But if you were to ask your husband, he would likely tell you that they are bad enough. And that they feel like consequences to him. I think the real key is to make it clear that even though you’re staying for now, this doesn’t mean that you are staying forever – unless you are happy with the rehabilitation that you are seeing."*


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Oh yeah. We see that all the time. NOT! 

Typically, he/she just wants to move forward so after a few token counseling sessions and acting all apologetic for a while out come the exasperated complaints that they can't live being controlled and not being trusted and "if you would just let go of the past, we would be fine!" arguments.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> Oh yeah. We see that all the time. NOT!
> 
> Typically, he/she just wants to move forward so after a few token counseling sessions and acting all apologetic for a while out come the exasperated complaints that they can't live being controlled and not being trusted and "if you would just let go of the past, we would be fine!" arguments.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's rug sweeping and it is unacceptable...it is up to the BS to refuse to accept it....in such cases the BS has to be willing to walk away...


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I've often felt that queezy feeling of my WS not receiving enough consequences. It sucks. But I agree with the advice given in the initial post. 

To me, there are two things that all WS's should have to endure as "part" of their consequences.

1 - They need to understand that feeling; of knowing it's up in the air as to whether their BS will leave them or not. That requires separation time and the 180. Whether it's two weeks or two months, or whatever period it takes.

2 - Just like described above, it should be "explained" to them, that for the immediate future, there are no guarantees - and that a change of heart is a real possibility.

My mistake was simply not implementing enough separation time. It was only 5 days. Not enough time for the ramifications to sink in as much as they should have.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

badmemory said:


> I've often felt that queezy feeling of my WS not receiving enough consequences. It sucks. But I agree with the advice given in the initial post.
> 
> To me, there are two things that all WS's should have to endure as "part" of their consequences.
> 
> ...


Has your WS been showing remorse? Doing the heavy lifting?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Has your WS been showing remorse? Doing the heavy lifting?


That's the second time you've asked me that Truthseeker (lol). Hard to keep up with all the threads I know. 

Yes, she is. I can't complain about that.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

badmemory said:


> That's the second time you've asked me that Truthseeker (lol). Hard to keep up with all the threads I know.
> 
> Yes, she is. I can't complain about that.


Sorry...:slap: There is more then one poster with bad at the front of their screenname i think or i'm just old lol

Do you ever consider leaving? Are you happy in R? (I hope I haven ot asked these questions before lol)


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

badmemory said:


> I've often felt that queezy feeling of my WS not receiving enough consequences. It sucks. But I agree with the advice given in the initial post.
> 
> To me, there are two things that all WS's should have to endure as "part" of their consequences.
> 
> ...


I'm sure the month my wife spent living with her mother gave her a nice idea of what her life without me was about to become.. not just the money, or comfort, or kids, but the fact that I really was a pretty good husband, and now she was about to lose me, and some other woman would benefit and get all that I have to offer, way more than her OM could ever offer anyone.. something she hadn't considered while in the A. It was cake eating at it's finest, so she was about to have no cake at all. That's quite a wake up call. I do agree there needs to be some time apart in many cases for the BS to feel that the WS suffered some consequences. Once they get the wake up call, and accept what really happened, the consequence becomes the self loathing and shame.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

russell28 said:


> I'm sure the month my wife spent living with her mother gave her a nice idea of what her life without me was about to become.. not just the money, or comfort, or kids, but the fact that I really was a pretty good husband, and now she was about to lose me, and some other woman would benefit and get all that I have to offer, way more than her OM could ever offer anyone.. something she hadn't considered while in the A. It was cake eating at it's finest, so she was about to have no cake at all. That's quite a wake up call. *I do agree there needs to be some time apart in many cases for the BS to feel that the WS suffered some consequences. Once they get the wake up call, and accept what really happened, the consequence becomes the self loathing and shame.*


The thing is truly remorseful WS seem to be few and far between....does your wife still struggle with her shame and self-loathing?


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

I feel the same way. It just seems like the get away with being evil.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

BURNT KEP said:


> I feel the same way. It just seems like the get away with being evil.


After infidelity I don't think the playing field can ever truly be leveled.....


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> After infidelity I don't think the playing field can ever truly be leveled.....


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Sorry...:slap: There is more then one poster with bad at the front of their screenname i think or i'm just old lol
> 
> Do you ever consider leaving? Are you happy in R? (I hope I haven ot asked these questions before lol)


I understand. For future reference I'm the guy (or one of the guys) who's wife had a two year affair with her best friend's husband - planned as an exit affair, until my exposure caused him to dump her. Plan B all the way.

So yeah, I not only considered leaving, I thought I would. Right after discovered it, about a year later, and intermittently still.

But since then, my wife morphed into the (almost) perfect wife. So from that perspective, I am happier.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

badmemory said:


> I understand. For future reference I'm the guy (or one of the guys) who's wife had a two year affair with her best friend's husband - planned as an exit affair, until my exposure caused him to dump her. Plan B all the way.
> 
> So yeah, I not only considered leaving, I thought I would. Right after discovered it, about a year later, and intermittently still.
> 
> But since then, my wife morphed into the (almost) perfect wife. So from that perspective, *I am happier.*


Happier?Are you truly happy with her? Or do you stay for other reasons?

Her best friends husband? WOW!!!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I've never cheated, and hope I never get into a situation where I would, or even be strongly tempted. Aside from serial cheaters, though, I really don't understand overall why someone who does cheat would want to reconcile. The only reason I can see for wanting to reconcile is that the cheating was a last ditch cry for attention in a marriage that was already _failing_. And if that is the case and both decide there is something worth saving, the BS is also going to have to work on the marriage and attend counselling to find and fix underlying issues. Perhaps this *is *the default expectation and I just haven't seen it stated much anywhere since the primary focus is on consequences for the WS. So, is the BS expected to work on the marriage too?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Happier?Are you truly happy with her? Or do you stay for other reasons?
> 
> Her best friends husband? WOW!!!


Truly happy? I've never been truly happy (lol). 

But our marriage before this happened was not good and now it's a stark contrast compared to before. It's an equation I play over in my mind all the time:

A = Value of living with a loving and remorseful wife divided by/
B = Recurring thoughts of her betrayal and my loss of self-respect. 

If the numerical value of the denominator becomes greater than the numerator, the equations equals less than one and I leave her. 

Fortunately, I've found the denominator has decreased over two years. However it's up to her to keep that numerator value high enough, for the equation results to stay above one. 

How's that for a non-emotional, critical analysis of happiness.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> And if that is the case and both decide there is something worth saving, the BS is also going to have to work on the marriage and attend counselling to find and fix underlying issues. Perhaps this *is *the default expectation and I just haven't seen it stated much anywhere since the primary focus is on consequences for the WS. So, is the BS expected to work on the marriage too?



Yes this is true. Both have to be committed to working on the marriage. The WS has to have consequences to see that what they did was wrong, unacceptable, and will not be taken lightly and accepted. Just as the BS might have done/ had issues prior to the A, the WS more than likely did as well yet the BS never cheated. The WS saw the issues and then rather than confront the BS about the issue and work on them then, decided to cheat instead. That decision is theirs wholely and some punishments/ consequences need to be imparted to show that they did wrong (you'd be surprised how many WS think they did no wrong as they are justifying, gas lighting, and rug sweeping their betrayal). R will not work if both parties aren't fully into it, but in order for R to happen the BS needs to heal and that healing will come when the WS accepts the consequences and does some heavy lifting. Once this occurs the BS can start to really heal and work on the underlying issues with the WS.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Thanks for the clarification, Squeakr. Makes sense put into context.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

badmemory said:


> Truly happy? I've never been truly happy (lol).
> 
> But our marriage before this happened was not good and now it's a stark contrast compared to before. It's an equation I play over in my mind all the time:
> 
> ...


That needs to be put on a Hallmark card....


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> That needs to be put on a Hallmark card....


Great idea TS:

_*To my dearest wife on our anniversary: 

Thanks for all the years we've had and doing your part to keep my happiness index above one. Looking forward to more great years and further recalculations as we move forward with our lives.

I love you.*_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

badmemory said:


> Great idea TS:
> 
> _*To my dearest wife on our anniversary:
> 
> ...


You are a true romantic my man...:lol:


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> I've never cheated, and hope I never get into a situation where I would, or even be strongly tempted. Aside from serial cheaters, though, I really don't understand overall why someone who does cheat would want to reconcile. The only reason I can see for wanting to reconcile is that the cheating was a last ditch cry for attention in a marriage that was already _failing_. And if that is the case and both decide there is something worth saving, the BS is also going to have to work on the marriage and attend counselling to find and fix underlying issues. Perhaps this *is *the default expectation and I just haven't seen it stated much anywhere since the primary focus is on consequences for the WS. So, is the BS expected to work on the marriage too?


This assumes that people only cheat in unhappy marriages. Unfortunately this is not the case. My W had her EA because she was enjoying all of the extra attention from the OM. She almost lost a happy marriage as a result.

Both parties have to work on the marriage. An A just adds to the work. The WS has to do the heavy lifting to earn trust back. The BS has to do the work of trying to forgive someone who wounded them so deeply.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> I've never cheated, and hope I never get into a situation where I would, or even be strongly tempted. Aside from serial cheaters, though, I really don't understand overall why someone who does cheat would want to reconcile. The only reason I can see for wanting to reconcile is that the cheating was a last ditch cry for attention in a marriage that was already _failing_. And if that is the case and both decide there is something worth saving, the BS is also going to have to work on the marriage and attend counselling to find and fix underlying issues. Perhaps this *is *the default expectation and I just haven't seen it stated much anywhere since the primary focus is on consequences for the WS. So, is the BS expected to work on the marriage too?


Yes, the BS needs to work too.. the reason the WS needs to work so much harder, is because the damage done from the affair is massive, and the problems that were in the relationship prior to the A, are miniscule compared to the problems the A created. So the BS needs to work on things that may been problems in the relationship prior to the A. The WS needs to work on those things, and also scramble to do damage control for the deception, manipulation and cruelty of the A. It is often stated here that both parties share 50/50 for the problems in the marriage, but the WS is 100% responsible for the choice to cheat.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Ovid said:


> This assumes that people only cheat in unhappy marriages. Unfortunately this is not the case. My W had her EA because she was enjoying all of the extra attention from the OM. She almost lost a happy marriage as a result.
> 
> Both parties have to work on the marriage. An A just adds to the work. The WS has to do the heavy lifting to earn trust back. The BS has to do the work of trying to forgive someone who wounded them so deeply.


It took me a couple sessions to convince our MC that the problem with our relationship was that my wife was flirting with the guy in work too much.. that WAS the problem..


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