# Emotionally abused, but affraid of alternative



## cranejane (Jul 20, 2011)

My H and I got married young. I'm only 24 with a 4 yr old daughter. I've been a stay at home mom this whole time, something I never really wanted this early in life, but have been completely grateful non-the-less for his hard work and providing for us. I still care for him deeply, especially since he's the father of our daughter, but the way he treats me is really wearing me down. I have strived to be a good homemaker and raise our daughter, and have recently gone back to full-time college through internet courses. I have not had any friends or social life in 5 years because I'm expected to stay at home all the time. If I complain of a headache or backache at the end of a hard day, his only reply is "well at least you didn't have to work today". Never any concern or compassion. He wants a back rub every night, and if I say I'm too tired he scoots all the way over to the other side of the bed and says I'm a *****. Anytime I've tried to have a serious conversation about how I feel, he semi-listens, gets defensive, turns it around on me, and then makes fun of me for several days after. I eventually learned to just shut myself off from him. My health has slowly deteriorated, and after 10+ hospital visits, blood tests, procedures, etc, the doctors can only come up with an explanation of anxiety. I'm seriously starting to wonder if my marriage is negatively affecting my health. 

I've wanted out for some time now, but with no money, career, credit, etc, I'm affraid of a custody battle and how to support my daughter after divorce. Is it better to just deal with it for the sake of my daughter? I don't know what to do, and I'm just about at the point of leaving with no warning. Again, I still care for him deeply, and he is a good man. I think he just doesn't know how to communicate lovingly. His parents had a really messy divorce when he was a preteen, and I think that whole experience, and his never-present dad, has really impacted our marriage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He's missing a sensitivity chip and him turning his back to you and calling you a b!tch when you don't rub his back is very immature and childish.

Have you guys been to marriage counselling? Is he willing to go? You need to tell him how you feel. STAT.

Get a job. Start saving $. 

You said he's emotionally abusive. They usually get worse over time.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I left my marriage to save my life.
Not because my husband was physically abusive, but because his emotional abuse and his actions created a health situation. I had allergies, but the fact of the matter is that if you are unloved, you feel it and know it and it can create havoc with your life, literally.

You can stay where you are and it will kill you, figuratively or literally. Living the way you are living, as you know, is not really living and yes it is wrong. 

A guy like your H (and mine) seem to know where to draw the line to stay out of trouble and not to physically abuse. But the damage is even worse. You have been in your marriage a while, my attorney told me after about 3-5 years you will get a more or less equitable division of assets, plus you would probably have primary custody and child support for your child.

I'd advise getting a switch-over for visitation/custody sharing at a neutral center designed for such things, or do this at a municipal/staffed police or safety department.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

With all due respect, I think we may be getting overly dramatic. My wife is verbally and emotionally abusive and has reached a new career high recently. As bad as this seems, it's not that critical. Emotional abuse is like sunburn. It's unpleasant and it's bad for you but everyone that suffers sunburn doesn't die of skin cancer.

Regarding allergies, I suffer profusely due to my wife's poor housekeeping and inconsiderate nature (like running the vacuum in the same room while I'm eating), but once again, suffering is not necessarily fatal.

Most abusers are running a program their parents gave them in childhood and they don't even realize what they are doing. Often, if they had any idea how much damage they were doing, they would quit or at least try to mitigate the effects. Another example, my wife's personality prevents her from apologizing (about anything). A lot of what passes for abuse can be immediately defused through sincere contrition. Better communication, mutual care and respect and maybe some counseling can go a long way here


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Emotional abuse is really serious. It is really really awful and leaves some scars.


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

Emotional abuse is in fact detrimental to your health. When you're under a lot of stress, you normally do not take care of yourself as you should which can bring about a lot of other physical problems.

An example of this is PSORIASIS which has been linked to emotional stress amongst other things.

I know! I have it and if you don't have it, feel fortunate because the condition is not only unsightly but can be very painful at times.

OBESITY ... which can lead to DIABETES ... A lot of people under stress tend to over eat and snack all day.

Those are just a couple that immediately comes to mind.

Here's a link that all might be interested in:

Understanding Stress: Signs, Symptoms, Causes, and Effects


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## cranejane (Jul 20, 2011)

Thank you all for your sincere advice. I've started looking into marriage counseling to see if anything can be resolved before major decisions are made. But I'm close to my limit, so we'll see.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Unfortunately if he isn't willing to go to counseling and work on things then you may have to nix college for a bit and go back to work and save up some money to get out of this mess. Sometimes you have to do what works best for you and your child, staying in a emotionally/verbally abusive situation is probably not the answer.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Kauaiguy said:


> Emotional abuse is in fact detrimental to your health. When you're under a lot of stress, you normally do not take care of yourself as you should which can bring about a lot of other physical problems.


So true. Emotional abuse is one of the reasons I am divorced.


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

*Jellybeans *... I saw a huge bottle of these at the local Costco store and almost bought it. I settled for Pistachios and Cashews instead ...

Moe Betta for you as the Hawaiians would say! ...and SO ONO!

But everytime I see your avatar, I'm tempted to run down to the Costco store (which is less than a half mile away) and buy some! Aaaargh! Emotional Stress!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Haha. I love jellybeans. Especially the coconut flavored ones! 

And I love Costco too. They really do have everything... in a ridiculous amount/size! HAHA


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Emotional abuse is really serious. It is really really awful and leaves some scars.


It's awful as awful can be especially when you are receiving it. However it's not fatal, it's not uncommon and it can very often be worked through and reconciled as an alternative to divorce
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No, it's not fatal of course. Nobody said it was. 

But it is very insidious, and some say worse than physical abuse. 

Emotional abuse can only be worked through if the abuser acknowledges what they have done is wrong and actually commits to stopping the abuse and then actually does stop abusing.

Most abusers do not change though and only get worse over time.

Emotional abuse is basically a mindf-ck. "Hey I am being awful to you now." "Look, now I'm not." And on and on and on and on and on. 

It's a SICK cycle. 

As someone on the receiving end of this, I can tell you it nearly destroyed me. I am still dealing with the residual effects today from the aftermath.

Not pretty.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

I'm genuinely sad to meet a fellow victim. I'm still rattled today from an abusive rage last night. But I assure you the effects of EA are being mitigated and made right all over every day with and without the participation of the abuser. Many abusers quit when they realize what they are doing. But it does require effort, help and a desire to be better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I'm glad to see you are finding some resolutions to it. And yes, some abusers do finally open their eyes up to the damage they have caused, but sadly a lot of them don't. 

Hope it works out for you!


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