# New to this and confused



## CharlieBrown (May 10, 2011)

In another thread, I posted about my marriage probs in more detail. But another issue has come up and not sure what it means. My wife and I do love each other. Her issues to resolve were related to Finance, budgeting, spending and the kids. We have been in MC for 5 weeks now and even though she was the one who brought up the Separation word, she has since felt better that I am understanding what I have done wrong and sees real effort that I am learning and communicating better to have her issues put at ease. So we are learning to problem solve together and have had several great days. However, at the begining, she also is very aware that I have some trust issues regarding 2 different men that she hid their relationships for almost 2 years from me. her answer was that she knew it would piss me off if I found out, but since she was doing nothing morally wrong and they were just friends, that the issue isnt that big to her, as she says. If I stop contact, what else can I do to fix my issue to make me feel better. But its beyond that. She has told me that she cant further her career because if there are men in that workplace she is afraid I will accuse her of sleeping with all of them. Well, she like male friends better than females, she relates to them better and she has absolutely no understanding from my end how dangerous the reality of an EA is. She says she is not part of the stats, she is herself and she is secure in her thresholds and has never felt she is doing anything wrong. Our MC has also told us to both seek IC, which I am doing, but she says she doesnt need it all, as she will live with what she believes is best for her. I cant continue on knowing I have hurt her ability to better herself in a career, or go out with her girlfriends, because shes afraid of what I will say if she comes home late. I am afraid we have damaged each other since we were married at 17 & 19 and are now 43 and 45. We are both afraid we wont be able to get over the trust issues and even though we love each other so much, we are afraid the end is near. Actually, I feel I need to set her free, from the hurt I have caused her. Should I feel that way and should we separate, she wants me to wait 3 weeks, until the kids are out of school, which I guess is fine, but its so hard to know i have to stay there, knowing my time with my family is shortly coming to an end.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She is spewing nonsense. My wife is a career woman and never had an emotional affair. What she is saying is what a person who is doing "wrong" says, not what an innocent person says.

You have to tell her this. "Dear, I am willing to work on myself. I know I need to change my ways in the area of finances and my insecurity. I know I have to do a much better job of meeting your needs and being a strong and attractive man. I promise you I will work this with all my abilities. I can't promise you the results but I can promise you daily actions and efforts. But, what I require is you do this same. You have to work on yourself and make changes to meet my needs and be the best wife you can be to me. This starts with agreeing to stop having emotional relationships with other men. In my view, a marriage cannot work unless both the husband and wife agree that they will not have intimate emotional relationships with others of the opposite sex. So, I am willing to do my part. I am willing to fill in the voids you have in life. But I can only commit this if you are willing to meet me halfway. I cannot commit to being the only party working on us. So I'll give you 24 hours to decide... Are you in or are you out. Let me know."


----------



## CharlieBrown (May 10, 2011)

Thanks, I really liked that. I guess its confusing and hurtful, that as much as I know we love each other and seeing her on her hands and knees pleading she has NEVER done anything wrong to me. I really believe she does not understand that its wrong, even if innocent. Or, as everyone here has suggested, that I am so gullable that its easy for her to say she is innocent. I have even asked her to read about the posts I made on here to see her reaction that everyone has, but she says she doesnt need too. She isnt them. She is her self and fully confident that she is a good person and has done nothing wrong but hide the relationships. Oh well, like they say, it is what it is. Maybe we need to change MCs. As she really focuses on how good our communication has been and problem solving together as we make budget plans and financial plans together. Well, thats great. I told everyone, I could make my changes there pretty easily. However, event he MC has avoided the EA on her end. Only stating to me that there are a dozen theories that may have played a role in her actions. Dont know. I think I am looking for a quick fix and obviuosly this will take a long time to heal, if we make it that far. I dont even know what I want anymore.


----------



## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

Agree wholeheartedly. The fact that she kept these relationships secret rather than out in the open, is a huge red flag. If there was nothing wrong, why not tell you about it, and work through whatever issues are there. So you would be pissed off, so what? Are you not allowed to be pissed off, ever? Can't you agree to disagree about some things, and resolve what you can?

Personally not buying it; she most likely slept with at least one of them, if not both, in my opinion.


----------



## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

CharlieBrown said:


> Thanks, I really liked that. I guess its confusing and hurtful, that as much as I know we love each other and seeing her on her hands and knees pleading she has NEVER done anything wrong to me. I really believe she does not understand that its wrong, even if innocent. Or, as everyone here has suggested, that I am so gullable that its easy for her to say she is innocent. I have even asked her to read about the posts I made on here to see her reaction that everyone has, but she says she doesnt need too. She isnt them. She is her self and fully confident that she is a good person and has done nothing wrong but hide the relationships. Oh well, like they say, it is what it is. Maybe we need to change MCs. As she really focuses on how good our communication has been and problem solving together as we make budget plans and financial plans together. Well, thats great. I told everyone, I could make my changes there pretty easily. However, event he MC has avoided the EA on her end. Only stating to me that there are a dozen theories that may have played a role in her actions. Dont know. I think I am looking for a quick fix and obviuosly this will take a long time to heal, if we make it that far. I dont even know what I want anymore.


People telling the truth act one way. Those lying act another. People who have crafted their own reality in their heads, where they are inevitably the "good guy" in the story, and fully justified in whatever they did do, even though it wasn't wrong anyway, act the way you are describing. 

I never cry on my knees to be "believed" when I'm telling the truth. It's usually more "take-it-or-leave-it, it's the truth."


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

But the point whether she did something wrong in the past or not is not worth discussing. Tell her you 100% believer her that she did nothing wrong in the past (whether or not this is true). However, for your marriage to function in the future, it must stop immediately. You should not say anything about why except that it is one of your "rules of marriage". No negotiation... give her the choice to make. Marriage with you vs ability to have male friends.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

CharlieBrown, what you’ve written is that your wife has lied to you and deceived you for the past two years. Does it really matter what it’s about and why? That your wife more or less thinks that she’s perfect and that you’ve undertaken to work on yourself.

Think about it.

You may want to be intolerant of her lies and deceits. It’s a boundary thing. If you’re not used to boundaries there’s lot to learn and improve on.

Bob


----------

