# New and need advice



## iheartrunning (May 9, 2010)

My husband and I have been married for 10 years and I feel like I want to leave him because we have so many issues. One major issue is that we just don't seem to be compatible sexually. I initiate 99% of our sex and he very rarely initiates it, which leads me to feel like I'm not wanted or sexy. There are times when I initiate and he pushes me away, telling me he's too tired or he's not in the mood. During these times, I get really upset because I don't get why I'm being turned away. Other times, when we are having sex, he is very selfish....he finishes first and leaves me without having an orgasm. He does this a lot and we talk about it and I express how upsetting it is for me. He says he feels bad but yet continues to do the same thing over and over again. I tell him that he makes me feel inadequate as a woman because he is never affectionate (in bed or out) and I have to initiate everything. Being turned down so often has screwed with my self esteem. I'm not vain at all but I'm a very pretty woman, I keep in good shape by working out all the time. Other men, including his friends, tell him how lucky he is to have me as his wife but it's like he just doesn't get it nor does he show that he appreciates what he has.

I'm at my wits end because I'm starting to resent him for not initiating sex, for not making me feel loved or wanted, and for being extremely selfish in bed. Before, I would never ever think about being with someone else but now that's all I think about. Getting away from him and finding someone else who can appreciate me and want to have sex with me. 

I'm so frustrated!


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

You and I are in the same kind of marriage! You have been married alot longer though so your frustration is deep, I know. I used to try to talk to my husband about not initiationg, pushing me away (literally or emotionally), always having some ailment to get out of sex (I would say if you are having that musch trouble you need to go see your doctor). Anyway, my strategy had to change. I tried avoiding sex with him... not initiating and not complaining and that got me a happier husband (who was thrilled to just go to sleep at night) and a very resentful me, who couldnt even masturbate anymore bc I hated that I had to do that bc my husband wouldnt have sex with me. 

I asked him what he wanted, and gave it to him (silence). Again, he was happy and I was in waiting. I finally had to rear up and say I would leave bc I couldnt take his withholding sex all the time anymore and its not what I got remarried to have happen... I dealt with sh!t the first time around (different stuff), and I wasnt going to do it again. For a while, he didnt believe me stating how would I afford it, I couldnt do it etc. Yes, I probably couldnt, but I had to get a really good poker face and state calmly "how I was going to take of that was not a concern"... and I have had to state it a few times... he actually started to believ eme and then he reared up and said he would gladly hand me over to another man etc... but then when I didnt back down and didnt freak out, he started saying he didnt want to divorce... he wants us to work out. So in spurts he is having sex with me... and then I made it clear that just bc I have my period doesnt mean Im off limits for fooling around in other ways... you cant just view it as a free pass. So he has fooled around with me the past 3 nights in a row!!! It has been hell trying to get through to him, but I had to stand my ground on this one bc my kids love him. Oh.... that was another thing I said to him... that I dont love him anymore bc I dont. I said to him that all the rejection and avoidance and mind games with withholding sex etc... I cant love someone I feel unloved by... its a 2 way street. That got his but in gear... also telling him that since he is supposed to be my sexual outlet and he promised that, and then married me and started saying no... thereby taking away the only one true sexual outlet?... I would have to go elsewhere like I should have done before when he said no occassionally before marriage. I have asked for an open marriage to satisfy those needs he is unwilling to regularly for about a month... I think he finally got the message after all that... phew... exhausted just typing it.

I think men believe that they drive the sexuality in marriage and its up to them all the time... but when the husband wants it less than the wife... sorry hubby's... you have compromise a little more (barring a illness or condition that makes it painful or otherwise impossible). Because of this, we high drive wives, have to man up a bit. 

I also asked him what he wanted in bed... something we werent doing? What could we do to make him want it more? The conversation about 3-way (which he doesnt want to do) got him viewing porn instead of having sex with me for a while... but I remained firm in asking and suggesting things.

10 years is along time, so you both know each other pretty darn well. Ask him if after all these years together if there is something sexual he longs to do or try and then see where it takes you. It may freak you out at first if he does have an answer, but try to go with it. Since our situations are so similar... you can PM me if you want to chat about it. I know you frustration and I dont know how or why my husband is all of a sudden starting to get into it more... but he is. There are so many more things I talked to him about that I just cant post in one reply threaad...


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## someguy888 (May 15, 2010)

That is really too bad. It's not wrong to want sex and too bad that you have to initiate it always. It's something that both of you should be working towards. I also wonder if there are other issues than the sex contributing towards that. You mention lots of issues so maybe working on some of these underlying ones will help.

Try to talk with him and figure out why he doesn't want sex that often. What have you done to try to work on the sex issue or your other issues? You need to work on the other issues in your marriage and hopefully the sex issue will be resolved as well. If it isn't, then you can handle things differently later.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Welcome to the club.

This is a "great club" in that both males and females have been or are in the same boat as you. My stb-x wife had me thinking I was just some oafish, ape who wanted sex all the time and "all guys" are lilke that.

I remember once we were watching Oprah (I think it was Oprah - I seem to recall the anti-male sentiment) and a guy was in tears that his wife was refusing sex and my stb-x snidely remarked, "I can't believe he's going to cry about no sex!!! How pathetic!!!"

Now. . .as Chris Rock once joked: "I never beleive in hitting a woman. . .that's about the lowest thing a guy can do. Every man in jail for that deserves what he gets. It's just awful. I just shake them!!!!" God, I wanted to shake her. (LOL - his routine is funny - that's the only time I ever got the urge to be physical with her in that way - shake her in frustration and lecture her, LOL)

As a guy, I don't know what's up with some guys and why they don't take care of business. I don't get it. . .I guess because my ex-gf said I am a highly "sexual" person so I never will, I guess.

I mean yes, even though I am sexual, if my wife was getting frisky and I wasn't in the mood that day, I would do it and probably 1/2way through be into it, you know? Not every sex session has to be explosive. . .it's just sometimes sensually pleasing so I don't know. . .don't know what to tell you. 

But my stb-x wife was the same way and it decimates your self-esteem. Mine is really getting rebuilt now though. YOu have to realize that almost 90% of the time, it has nothing to do with you.

Many couples have fights, they argue, they complain about things, they deal with toddlers and flooded basements and you know what? At the end of the day, they still get busy. The best man in my wedding has a marriage like that. He just says he's lucky.

The sex is independent of how the relationshp was going that day.

There are several ways to try to reach him - spiritual/religious, health, psychological . . .try different angles. I hope it works out for you.


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## someguy888 (May 15, 2010)

Wow, there have been some excellent replies so far. I will add to what I wrote as there was actually a lot more to say. Re-reading some of this has triggered more. Geez. Hopefully this won't discredit my advice so far 

Sorry for the tangents.

I guess I can relate to the whole sexless (or near-sexless) thing as my wife is near that way too. I am a very sexual person and that's always been a sticking point in our marriage. I must say though that I have damaged the relationship in that I've done the porn thing way too much. It's hurt her so I feel that some of the withholding sex is a big part of that. I'm in therapy now and have come to term with how damaging that is and dedicated to digging myself out of that hole for the first time, really.

We have sex maybe once a week. She's been pregnant a lot in the last 4 years or so, so maybe that has had something to do with that as well. Anyway, when I say sexual person I mean I need sex daily (although when I tell my wife that she discredits it and says I couldn't do it more than every other day... but nonsense).

So, yes, for me as well, I am initiating sex maybe 90%+ of the time as well. I am convinced that if I never initiated it, we would have sex once a month... if that.

I think (no way I could know!) that woman have a hard time dissociating sex from emotion so I can see how we as men are to blame for a lot of that. We don't emotionally support our wives, abuse the relationship and then demand sex. Maybe I'm warped by my marital situation, but I guess I just see that both partners should initiate sex but that one of them witholding sex because of emotional damage may have some merit. I'm not saying holding out completely but that it's not as often as the other partner would like. The solution would be getting to the heart of the emotional issues and dealing with those.

As the other partner not getting sex that often, we really do start to want more. It puts us in a difficult situation. Obviously sex is a powerful force and starting to mess with cutting that off or decreasing it only fuels existing problems.

For me, this post is very refreshing because it does show me that the roles can be reversed (not that I'm happy about that!) but that a woman can have a strong sex drive as well. Us men are like what? How could a man turn down sex like that? It's crazy really. It doesn't make any sense to me yet shines new light on my situation and how unhealthy that's become.


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## maggierose (May 11, 2010)

I'm at my wits end because I'm starting to resent him for not initiating sex, for not making me feel loved or wanted, and for being extremely selfish in bed. Before, I would never ever think about being with someone else but now that's all I think about. Getting away from him and finding someone else who can appreciate me and want to have sex with me. 

I'm so frustrated![/QUOTE]

Did you write that for me? hahah..... I feel the exact same way!!!!!!!! My fiance hardly EVER initiates sex and I am to the point where I am very resentful... because I want someone who wants me and can't keep his hands off of me and makes me feel good and wanted... that is very important in a relationship and he doesn't see a problem cause he is getting that from me but there is no reciprocation... I am at my wits end as well and lately there is a cute guy at my job... that i can't stop staring at and thinking about.. and in the past when this whole sex thing wasn't an issue I didn't even notice other guys it was almost as if they didn't exist... so that's how I know this has become a problem for me.... I have researched this online and people say oh he is seeing someone else.... I do not believe that to be the answer in either of our situations, however, I do believe that there is an underlying problem going on.. with my fiance and with your husband, how we are going to find this out.. I have no idea, but we have to try... my fiance has a very stressful job so I know that has a lot to do with it but in reality I think it's an excuse.... I will initiate sex and he turns me down.. by saying.. I'm stressed out or I'm not in the mood or sometimes he'll just flat out say NO! excuse me? and the worst part of it is.. he won't do ANYTHING at all to satisfy me.. no cuddling nothing!!!!!!! it's like laying next to an ice cube!!! I know how you feel and wish I had some words of advice but I myself are looking for some, let me know if you find any.... everyone says talk about it talk about it or go to counseling... If I can't get through to him a counselor sure as hell isn't going to... So I sympthasize with you and wish you luck.


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