# Dragging Adult Kids Into Our Marriage Problems



## hadituptohere (Feb 4, 2017)

Hi all, does anyone else have this problem?

My husband can not have a "marriage issue", to him it's always a "family issue" and right now he refuses to go to marriage counseling and is insisting all of our kids are there if we do. 

Even when they were little, whenever something would come up and we would argue about it, no matter what the subject was or if it involved them, he always drug our kids into it and often ended up as me against all of them. 

"Tell your mom ______!!" he'd yell at them, and they'd comply and mimic whatever he was saying about me even if they were clueless. It was robotic almost.

He is still doing it now, even though they are in their mid-20's and out of the house but thankfully now they see the bigger picture and they really hate being pulled into this! I tell them I don't want them in the middle at all but if we have any sort of disagreement or argument he will call one of them up to "back him up". They try to stay neutral but he forces it, still, and still paints a picture of him as my victim.

He is constantly trying to ally with them and now packs all his stuff in his sportscar and heads to one of their places. He works hard to look like such a victim, but honestly if he were my dad? I'd think he looks like a manipulative, immature 50 something guy who can't handle the slightest conflict. He makes them pick a side, though, and has even recently went so far as to tell one of our sons if he sides with me (this was during a petty argument) he will basically disown him. 

It's to the point I am disturbed by his behavior more than anything and I'm ready to get out of this nightmare so divorce is imminent. Just curious if I'm the only one who deals with this childishness? How do you handle it?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Wow, that's bad! I don't blame you for divorcing him. You might want to tell your kids before that happens so they can be prepared and block his number or move or something, because otherwise it sounds like he will drag all of them into it and force them to pick a side. I'm sorry, I don't deal with that particular issue so can't offer much else except sympathy!


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

hadituptohere said:


> Hi all, does anyone else have this problem?
> 
> My husband can not have a "marriage issue", to him it's always a "family issue" and right now he refuses to go to marriage counseling and is insisting all of our kids are there if we do.
> 
> ...


I'm surprised that you were able to stay married for more than 25 years in this type of environment.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

There is NO way that I would ever involve our adult children into our issues, he sounds very immature.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Your husband has got problems. He needs a serious kick in the nuts, something to shock him back to reality.

He's always been this way?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Does he feel powerless in the marriage? Is that why he turns to the kids to help him?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Yeah I think you should move toward divorce. Adults don't use these ridiculous tactics. The kids will likely abandon him one day as well if he doesn't wise up. What a child. How did you ever deal with this for so long?


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## hadituptohere (Feb 4, 2017)

Hi everyone, thanks for the input. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who thinks this is beyond ridiculous behavior. 

I've stayed in this marriage because I don't know anything else and I have never had the courage to go it alone out there, even though I know I could easily find someone else. We met when I was 12 and married at 19 and he's been my provider and now carer (I am unfortunately now disabled) all these years. He's good at providing financially and is very loving, but he definitely has emotional issues relating to his childhood and (yep!) his time as a combat vet.

He definitely does not feel powerless here, but I think he has PTSD. He rules our roost and acts like a drill sergeant half the time. He swings from over confident (and bossy) to a blubbering baby in the closet when we're alone, though. It's definitely deep seated trauma response stuff.

That last part is why I stayed. A part of him died out there fighting for us and I grew up military. All the men in my family were career military men so I feel a weird patriotic duty/loyalty. I am still afraid to pull the trigger, to be honest, because he is fragile and it's not his fault (although it is his responsibility to get help!!) I am afraid it will kill him when I leave.

I just wish he'd get some counseling but he won't. So I feel like there's no choice because my getting annoyed just triggers him which triggers me which triggers him...


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Well, it sounds like he may have been grooming you from the start. 

What he is doing is called parental alienation. Your kids, although older now, have always had to pick sides and were afraid for years to go against him. That's horrible. He used the children as tools to further his intimidation of you. 

Please consider divorcing this man. You can find so many men out there who are NOT like this. Your kids need to learn to say no and defend you if that is what they feel. It's an important life skill. Counseling could help them gain the confidence.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Satya said:


> Well, it sounds like he may have been grooming you from the start.
> 
> What he is doing is called parental alienation. Your kids, although older now, have always had to pick sides and were afraid for years to go against him. That's horrible. He used the children as tools to further his intimidation of you.
> 
> Please consider divorcing this man. You can find so many men out there who are NOT like this. *Your kids need to learn to say no and defend you if that is what they feel. It's an important life skill. Counseling could help them gain the confidence.*


Agreed. Why would adult kids care about a threat to disown them (from an ******* father)


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

This is harmful boundary-less behaviour.

My MIL did this with my husband and his siblings when they were little, but she still does it now they have grown.

My BIL has been through all this with his therapist and has talked to her about her behaviour but she still does it. 

What is happening here is the parent is reversing the natural roles and using parentification so the child (adult or otherwise) is responsible in serving the parents needs. Essentially they are asking their children to fix their problems. Those that do this sometimes flip between parentifying to infantalising; treating adult children like children.

No generational boundaries. Big red flag for me.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

hadituptohere said:


> Hi everyone, thanks for the input. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who thinks this is beyond ridiculous behavior.
> 
> I've stayed in this marriage because I don't know anything else and I have never had the courage to go it alone out there, even though I know I could easily find someone else. We met when I was 12 and married at 19 and he's been my provider and now carer (I am unfortunately now disabled) all these years. He's good at providing financially and is very loving, but he definitely has emotional issues relating to his childhood and (yep!) his time as a combat vet.
> 
> ...


To me, the bolded sounds like he feels powerless inside. That is very likely why he is trying to get support from the kids. He sees you as strong and does not feel he can stand up to you on his own.

If I were you, I would let him know that while you always want to know his honest feelings, you cannot in good conscience agree with him if you genuinely disagree. And make it clear that no amount of outside pressure he tries to apply, for example from the kids, is going to change your mind.

But you can let him know that arguments more persuasive than your own could change your mind. 

OP, have you ever heard the saying, "Don't raise your voice. Improve your argument."? 

You might want to share that with your husband.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I am an adult child to parents who fight non stop. My dad also has PTSD (combat vet here too). 

I do not want to be involved in my parents fighting. 

I have had to enact my own boundaries to make it stop. I am surprised that your children don't do the same. I basically had to tell both of my parents that I do not want to hear about the fighting at all, and that if they cannot get along with each other when I am visiting (or they are visiting me) then we will have to end the visit. There have been times when I have packed up my family and left their house abruptly, and other times when I have asked them to leave my house because of their behavior. 

It always bothered me to be around the fighting, but it was when I had children of my own that I put down some hard boundaries about it. I do not want my kids around that type of behavior. 

Unfortunately, both of my parents became very upset with me when I made those rules. For the first couple of years afterwards we did not see each other much. It was very sad because my parents both missed out on my kids during their first couple of years of life. It made me very angry that they couldn't get their sh!t together to be there for their grandkids. 

Eventually they started coming around again, but their solution is to either show up to events individually (I'll invite them both, but never know if both are going to show up or only one of them, and never which one it will be) or to come together and completely ignore each other the whole time, in different rooms of the house. It still bothers me because it makes holidays and events that I host awkward for both myself and my other guests, but it technically doesn't break my rule since they aren't actively fighting in front of me so for now I let it slide. 

As a result of this, I have pretty much no relationship with my dad at all. He also has no relationship with my kids. I think he's spent maybe a few hours tops actually interacting with them since they've been born and they are now 7 and 8 years old. I see my mom more frequently but I keep her at arms length because of their marriage situation. If I let her get too close, she pushes boundaries and tries to get me involved in their problems. I feel like I have to stay vigilant when we spend time together that conversations never go deeper than surface pleasantries because she'll end up dumping all of her marriage problems onto me, and I just can't be part of that. 

As the adult child - I wish they'd just get divorced. They have over 45 years together and I guess they both don't know how to build a life without the dysfunction of being together. Their marriage has ruined their chances of having a relationship with their grandchildren. 



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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Why would you allow this? 

Do you two have a healthy sex life? Do you even have a marriage?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

To me, that is abusive to your children, and probably even you.

I was the polar opposite, I NEVER talked to my kids about our problems or let them hear our private discussions about them. When we sat down to tell them we were divorcing they were beyond shocked because they had never know of an issue whatsoever even though I was going through 15 years of misery. Even through the divorce, my remarriage and the years that now follow, I refuse to talk bad about their father or detail the reasons why I left. I allowed all the blame to fall on me, so as to protect them. That's what we as parents do, we protect our babies, even when they leave the nest. I have no clue why he would not have the instinct to protect them instead of drag them into this, perhaps it is the PTSD, I have no experience with that so cannot comment, though I hope he will seek treatment. 

It would be helpful if you could sit down with your kids and get them to unanimously agree that when dad calls to tattle on his problems with mom, they will all say the same thing. Something like, "Dad, I can no longer handle your marital problems. They are causing me massive distress, and it is unhealthy for me. I'm sure you don't want to have that affect on me, so I have to stop you here. I love you, and I'm sorry, but I can't be your confidant anymore. It ends today."

The other thing I would do is tell your Husband that it stops today within you home, or you are separating. You can first separate right in your house if you need to because of your health. If that doesn't work, then you will most likely end up proceeding to divorce. I'm sorry for what you are going through. That is completely unacceptable. He has to stop, or he loses you....


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Both you and your children need to tell him to get bent. 

I dont blame you one bit for wanting out, I cant believe you put up with this crap THIS long. Next time he packs up in a huff to go pout at the home of one of your kids, tell him to stay gone. You need to do what is best for yourself, and however he handles things ending is entirely ON HIM. He is a grown man and responsible for himself no matter what happens.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

My wife drags the kids into our marriage difficulties to even though they are now in their 20's. She wants someone to take her side of the issue but most of the time the kids are on my side. She's always acted immature and controlling and this is only one example. I know where you're coming from and I would recommend getting out of the marriage if you can afford to.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Speaking from your kids POV -

The single best thing you can do is to take care of yourself. 

I know that both of my parents are profoundly broken people. They each have different issues, and I do not fault either of them for being broken as I know they each had a terrible life and childhood. 

However - as the (now adult) child, I feel it is my responsibility to decide that the cycle stops here with me. I am determined not to let it spill down yet another generation into MY children. 

What I wish for my parents is that they would get the mental health care that they both so desperately need. I know that my dad will not seek treatment. He's tried and the therapy for PTSD unfortunately makes you face your demons, instead of pretending they aren't there. He's never made it through the therapy. My mom believes that she doesn't have any problems, so she laughs at anyone who gives her advice including professionals. 

The result is the never ending merry go round of drama that they call marriage. 

I can't help them - and I can't make them get help. The only thing I can do is put up walls to protect myself and my family. It is not what I want to do but it is what I feel I have to do. 

I would encourage you to seek therapy to figure out why you allow this dynamic in your life, and to learn how to stop it. 

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## hadituptohere (Feb 4, 2017)

Thanks everyone, I would have responded sooner but it's been pretty bad here and it's not been safe for me to post as all my internet activity was being monitored by my STBX. That all just ended abruptly a few minutes ago and I am FREE!!!!!

Well, maybe.

Yesterday I told him my arm is still a bit swollen and still hurts from when he bent it backwards really hard two weeks ago and he tried to play it down. This morning I was so angry about it all I let slip that I have video evidence of him hurting me this time and he's lucky I didn't call the cops. 

I guess I crossed a line by gathering evidence and so he packed up his sportscar and left again "for good" he says. 

I am going to the doctor to have my arm checked and I see a counselor tomorrow by myself and then? 

I don't know what the future holds. All I do know is I don't EVER want to look into his crazy eyes again. Anything is better than this nightmare. I can't even cry anymore, I am just numb.

Thanks for listening.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Good riddance!

Thanks for coming back and updating, I had wondered how things were going for you. You'll come through this, hang in there.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Just read your update, I am sorry he's rotten


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I went back and read your OP, I didnt see anything mentioned about him getting physical with you... is that a normal thing with him??


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## hadituptohere (Feb 4, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> I went back and read your OP, I didnt see anything mentioned about him getting physical with you... is that a normal thing with him??


I didn't mention it here, but in my first post on the forum under another thread I detailed everything. Then I deleted it after getting some good advice. I am still afraid he'll recognize my posts but oh well. I'm scared of him but tired of hiding. He is and has been physically, verbally and emotionally abusive and it's getting worse with age. 

It's been very difficult to live with but hopefully that's over now.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

hadituptohere said:


> I didn't mention it here, but in my first post on the forum under another thread I detailed everything. Then I deleted it after getting some good advice. I am still afraid he'll recognize my posts but oh well. I'm scared of him but tired of hiding. He is and has been physically, verbally and emotionally abusive and it's getting worse with age.
> 
> It's been very difficult to live with but hopefully that's over now.


Do not threaten to call the cops if he comes back and you feel intimidated.
CALL THE ****IN COPS.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

"HOPEFULLY" it's over? Is there some reason it wouldn't be over?


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## hadituptohere (Feb 4, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> Do not threaten to call the cops if he comes back and you feel intimidated.
> CALL THE ****IN COPS.


Agreed. Our new neighbor is a cop, I'm tempted to walk over and explain it all to him.


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## hadituptohere (Feb 4, 2017)

Hope1964 said:


> "HOPEFULLY" it's over? Is there some reason it wouldn't be over?



He is unstable and untrustworthy. I mean I hope it ends easily, knowing it probably won't because he's nuts and wants to control everything, even the divorce details (we don't need lawyers or a judge he says). 

I'm definitely done. I reached out to a counselor and am seeing her tomorrow. I'm now going to some good friends who live across the street to bring them back into my support system after not speaking to them for almost 3 years. He had made that relationship way too uncomfortable but I'm rectifying it. We also have a new neighbor a stone's throw away who is a cop, so I might go introduce myself and let him know what's going on here.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

hadituptohere said:


> Agreed. Our new neighbor is a cop, I'm tempted to walk over and explain it all to him.


Absolutely do this.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

hadituptohere said:


> He is unstable and untrustworthy. I mean I hope it ends easily, knowing it probably won't because he's nuts and wants to control everything, even the divorce details (we don't need lawyers or a judge he says).
> 
> I'm definitely done. I reached out to a counselor and am seeing her tomorrow. I'm now going to some good friends who live across the street to bring them back into my support system after not speaking to them for almost 3 years. He had made that relationship way too uncomfortable but I'm rectifying it. *We also have a new neighbor a stone's throw away who is a cop, so I might go introduce myself and let him know what's going on here*.


OP, not might. You should! I come from an abusive home. Unfortunately I know the shame that comes with being abused, recognizing that it is really happening to you and not wanting others to know that these are the circumstances you're living under and have lived under for so long. It can be crippling when deep down you want help and you want it to just be over with but the embarrassment and fear keeps holding you back. It's only going to take 10mins of your time to go over there and explain to your cop neighbor exactly what is going on. It's going to feel so much better to know there's someone close by who knows what's going on and can help if you need. The pros of confiding in your cop neighbor, far outweigh any possible cons. Are there even any cons?


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