# Helping him through it/making it as painless as possible?



## MrsO (Jan 5, 2011)

I've been with my husband for nearly 12 years, married for nearly 2.
I've had numerous conversations with him about why i'm not happy, what needs to change etc. He always promises change, but never does.
So last week I had the conversation again and said I was going to move out for a while, which I have and am staying with my parents at the moment.

He took it very badly to start with. He was a complete mess, he was crying, wouldn't talk to me, begged me not to go, said he couldn't cope on his own etc etc. He was that bad, I made him promise me wouldn't do anything stupid before I left.

He refused to talk to anyone, so in the end I asked his best friend to ring him which helped I think.

I told him I need my space and I need time to think but he continues to email, text, IM, skype and ring me. He says he's not eating or sleeping and is a complete mess without me.

He says "I love you" and "I really miss you" and I feel like a complete ***** for not saying it back, but it would be a lie.

Although I really feel for him, I just don't have any inclination to go back. I can honestly say I'm not missing him, I just feel sorry for him.

This was just intended as a break so he could get his arse in gear and I could sort my head out. However, I think this really is the end, but I don't know how I can tell him.

At the moment I just wish we could get the whole thing over and done with (only a few people know I've left) as quickly and painlessly as possible, and we could both get on with the rest of our lives.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Well I dont know what State youre in but here there is a 6 month waiting period before the case can even be heard. If you think he is in pain now wait until you come to get your stuff and it settles in your not comming back. Dont give him that cheezy line of I love you but Im not in love with you. There is no painless way to do this so be honest, dont give him false hope by being his friend as he will see this as a chance to work things out. If youre sure its over dont even bother with a seperation as he will think there is a chance of getting back together sooo the best thing you can do is make it crystal clear it over and he needs to move forward with his life, this makes it so he doesnt waste time and hope on trying to get you back and will start the loooong healing process. 

My Divorce went final yesterday, it has been 8 months since I was served and it is the worst day of my life, I literally wish I didnt wake up but I will say the longer it drags out the more hurt he will be and the longer it will take for him to heal.


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## Tiredspouse0297 (Dec 9, 2010)

I told my husband I was leaving on Tuesday. I have been packing since and I'm moving tomorrow. He has done the same thing, crying, begging, pleading etc. I can't say "I love you" back either. I didn't bother telling him I needed a break, I knew it was over a while ago. He wants me to say there is still hope but there isn't. Try not to feel bad, I know it's hard. I feel bad for him too but remember that it's just your sense of empathy for hurting him, not that you've made the wrong decision. Hang in there and feel free to pm me if you need to talk.


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## MrsO (Jan 5, 2011)

Thanks for the advice.

I guess the problem is that when I left, I did think it would be for a break and being away from him would change my mind....I'd miss him and want to go back.
Unfortunately, I feel the opposite. I felt relieved, liberated, happy and don't really miss him at all. 

Now if I tell him it is over, he will tell me I haven't had enough time to think, it's only been just over a week, etc. Which, tbh, he would have a valid point, but i think i just know because of my feelings (or lack of) after leaving.

I know he is trying really hard to change and I am sure he will, and I know we probably could make it "work" whatever that really means. Am also sure it would be completly different if we had children. I just have an emptiness when I think of him...I don't love him, or hate him....I just feel sorry for him, but that's all really. 

Just me saying I wanted a break came as a huge shock to him, so I don't want to think how he could handle me telling him it's over...

I do really still care about him, I worry about him not eating or looking after himself properly. Although, when I popped round when he was at work, I was pleasantly suprised to find the house kinda tidy, the washing up done and only 1/3 bottle of whisky drunk. The fridge was full of half eaten take aways though.....
So maybe he's not as bad as he's making out he is....

Btw, i'm from the UK and have no idea what the law is over here.


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

MrsO

What does your boyfriend think about all this? Not your husband, your boyfriend.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

MrsO -

I'm in a similar situation, I've moved out, have no interest in my w, and, as a new friend has pointed out, have to tell her I'm filing for divorce. It isn't fair to our stbxs to not tell them the marriage is over, as long as we don't move forward, they can still hope we might return.

She, like your h, promised to change, none of the changes lasted, her interest was keeping me around, not returning to the loving, sensual person she'd been for the first twenty plus years of our life together.

Neither you nor I see any possibility of returning, it is clearly time to let them know.

Good luck.





MrsO said:


> I've been with my husband for nearly 12 years, married for nearly 2.
> I've had numerous conversations with him about why i'm not happy, what needs to change etc. He always promises change, but never does.
> So last week I had the conversation again and said I was going to move out for a while, which I have and am staying with my parents at the moment.
> 
> ...


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## MrsO (Jan 5, 2011)

zsu234 said:


> MrsO
> 
> What does your boyfriend think about all this? Not your husband, your boyfriend.


What leads you to that assumption?


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

MrsO said:


> Now if I tell him it is over, he will tell me I haven't had enough time to think, it's only been just over a week, etc. Which, tbh, he would have a valid point, but i think i just know because of my feelings (or lack of) after leaving.
> 
> ...I don't love him, or hate him....I just feel sorry for him, but that's all really.
> 
> ...


So Im a little confused on your statements, in one statement you say "I don't love him, or hate him....I just feel sorry for him, but that's all really"and in another you say "I do really still care about him". The first statement is one I interpret as indifference and the second one shows caring. 

Are you 100% sure about your true feelings? Maybe you should spend a little more time thinking about the situation. Perhaps counciling would help? I still stand by my first response that if you know its over than the best thing to do is to be honest and let him know but if youre a little confused on your feelings then give it a little time to sort them out. 

I actually think love is more a commitment than a feeling and more of a choice than a feeling. That in love feeling we all get when we think we met the right person just doesnt last, this is why I hate that line of "I love you but im not in love with you" I love my dog, my children, my family but Im not in love with any of them yet I wouldnt abandon any of them which proves I love them. I am not suggesting you stay in a marriage your not happy in nor am I suggesting you leave just trying to give you some food for thought but do remember the grass does look greener on the other side of the fence until you live there.


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