# Looking for advice, Have you experienced this?



## need advice (Jan 28, 2011)

I need some advice from someone going through what I am. I have been married for 19 years, this is my first marriage. We have two sons 14 and 4. Since getting married our relationship has steadily lost all its passion. Shortly after getting married the intimacy and passion were gone. I have tried for 13 years to talk to her, to try and fix the problem but all she does is disregard it, says there is no problem and just blows it off. Whenever I try to talk to her about she just sits there and offers no excuse whatsoever. I have offered counseling, having a "date" night to rekindle that spark but she says she doesn't want to. Communication has stopped, she just won't talk to me about it. Sexually it has stopped, whenever we would have sex, it was always her way or no way, during sex if I tried to kiss her she would turn her head away from me. Several months ago, I told her it was over, that we are just roomates and that the marriage was over. Even before then we started sleeping in seperate bedrooms and have been for six months now. My thing is this, when is it enough? I have gotten to the point where I have disconnected from her and the marriage, I am not in love anymore and just want out. I have tried for 13 years to fix it, she doesn't want to talk about it, when on the the rare occasion she did, she didn't see a problem, I have really just given up. When I told her it was over, she hasn't mentioned it again to this day! Its like the conversation never happened! Has anyone else gone through this? I feel like I'm alone and need some advice. I love my children and will always be there for them, if divorce happens, I don't want anything, the house, cars, nothing. I just want to start over and still be able to see my kids. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks


----------



## tamtam (Jan 25, 2011)

I am sorry that I am not offering advice, but just want to say that my husband is exactly the same, he doesnt want communication, but he doesnt want a divorce either, he doesnt think there is a problem, we have been in different bedroom for over a year. When I try to communicate, he said he wants some quietness. I could not understand it at all, if he doesnt want to see me, why dont he agree with the divorce, and I dont know what I can do ...


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I wish I had some great advice, but mabye some perspective from a guy who has been married for 19-1/2 years with a 21 yro & a 17yro.
First of all I was the disconnecting spouse, the person in the relationship that found a priority in my work. I also was the emotional retard in the marriage. While my wife on the other hand was the one that wanted to have a healthier marriage and was always wanting to communicate.

Well 7 years into the M she got frusterated and wanted a divorce and I said no and that if she wanted attension she could have a boytoy. there was only one rule, if I found out I would kill the OM so be careful as this will lead to me going back to prison. Which inturn would lead to no more nice cars and a nice home and all the vacations would be gone.

13 years went by and she wasn't really happy she just stopped complaining. I condintued my neglegtful ways. We both continued to have sex (together) and the kissing was her complant...I should say lack of it. In addition were even more disconnected..I buried my self in work and she buried he self in others. I quess the kids had each other.

The point is I felt there was nothing wrong in the marraige I was the one that in some way had the same belief as your wife "that everything was" It was working for me I could do what I want and my W could do what she wanted.

Now that you and I have these messed up marriages, how do we fix them? Weel for me I made the change, I started with me kids and started making dinner and sitting down with them and finding out what was going on in there lifes. I then started lifting weights again, and the most important thing was managing my time by finding a healthy balance between work and my family. 

So here I am working on bettering my self and then it dawned on me...wheres my wife? I felt the need to get all sad and start begging and pleading for her to stay home stay home. 

Well I had neglected her so long that I didn't think I had the right to make these demands and the whole I've changed and I want to work this out knd of thing. Instead I just found some evidence of affairs and simply asked if she want me or him. She choose me and stopped all contact with that part of her life and we both jumped back in the marriage.

I quess the only perspective I can share is the fact that you are the only one that can control you happiness and you have the control on what you want changed and what you will or will not tolorate. We have no control over our wives and they need to decide if they want to come along with thier husbands or not.

It seems you have come to a cross roads in what will make you happy versus what you will tolorate. Remember the boundries you set up now are the walls that protect you from living the rest or your life happy or unhappy, the should be nonnegotiable. Our wifes make the disions to change there behavior and come along, or stay behind with the same old behaviors. 

In my case my marriage had neglect and infidelity, those were the things that broke down my marraige and stopping those two thing from entering the marraige again are the goals that me and my wife strive for.

In your case I can see the sex as an issue but with the poor communication from your wife....what is her deal, what is the main thing your wife wants what is the void or that missing "spark"?? 

This is getting way to long sorry.
As hard as it is she may not feel attracted to you any more, try a shave and a hair cut, some new cologen, a clean shirt, IDK. Bottom line start looking at your self and make you look better, feel better. Maybe once she sees a more positive side of you she may want more of you. Or she might think your taking care of your self more and she might start wondering if your foolen around and might step up

The only thing you can control is what you do, you can't control others.


----------



## bingofuel (Jan 27, 2011)

need advice said:


> Several months ago, I told her it was over, that we are just roomates and that the marriage was over. Even before then we started sleeping in seperate bedrooms and have been for six months now. My thing is this, when is it enough? I have gotten to the point where I have disconnected from her and the marriage, I am not in love anymore and just want out.


Sounds like you have made up your mind- and from what was presented, for good reason. What may I ask has been keeping you from doing it?


----------



## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

I have much advice for you, but I am in the same situation so maybe sharing my story with you will be helpful. 

For the last year we having been sleeping in separate rooms and there is no more sex . I have been trying to make things better for the past year on my own, and recently with a marriage program, but with no progress, Now I am at the point where I am tired of trying and seriously thinking of giving up. 

She shows zero interest in saving our marriage. I am still deeply in love with her, but she says she lost her feelings for me. I cannot continue to live like this anymore, so I think its time for me to move on.

I plan to take this one day at a time until I wake up one day and say enough! When this god awful day arrives I will stop being a doormat. I have been super accomodating and nice for so long that sometimes I forget who I am. 

I plan to give her an ultimatum. Either you show some interest in saving this marriage or its over. If she says no, which I expect, I will not be the one to move out. Since she is the one that wants to end the marriage, she is the one who should leave. 

I will remain in my home and take care of my two children. Then move on with my life and start on the road to recovery. 

I do not want to be alone forever. So I am learning as much as I can from this experience so I don't repeat the same mistakes. In other words, I am educating myself in what it take to have a good marriage for life, so my next marriage will be a good one that lasts a lifetime.

I know I cannot control her decisions, but I can influence them by being the best me I can be, and hope she changes her mind.

Neglect was the reason for the failure of my marriage.

The only advice I can give is to ask her what she wants deep down to make her happy. Leave the past in the past and look to the present and future. Make your wife your #1 priority, and if she does the same for you, your marriage will be okay.

Good Luck.


----------



## need advice (Jan 28, 2011)

tamtam said:


> I am sorry that I am not offering advice, but just want to say that my husband is exactly the same, he doesnt want communication, but he doesnt want a divorce either, he doesnt think there is a problem, we have been in different bedroom for over a year. When I try to communicate, he said he wants some quietness. I could not understand it at all, if he doesnt want to see me, why dont he agree with the divorce, and I dont know what I can do ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## need advice (Jan 28, 2011)

I don't want to hurt her though I know it will. After trying for so long, I no longer love her. I know I want out but I'm so concerned for my boys.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

