# What am I missing



## Dc76017 (May 12, 2018)

Last May wife of 20 years was caught with a online affair, where he was across the country. Supposedly they dated for 7 months 35 years go, when he was 21 and she was 15. Mom ran him off because of age, but they kept in contact for another couple of years. after talking she agreed to end things. End of June found out she kept talking to him for another several weeks, approached her, and she said she was putting closer on and it was now finished. For the next several 7 months, she kept doing things that she never done during our marriage. Caught in couple lies, acting strange, and not really talking much. She always said she loved me and only wanted me, but still had a gut feeling something still wasn’t right. Fast forward to yesterday, she said she received a phone call from this guys sister and he had pass away, His funeral is couple states away. The sister said before he died he mention that he wanted her at the funeral, and she was even in the will. My wife wants to go, said she thought she closed things out but she thinks if she goes and closes things out it will help us. I’m against her going and stated it, however she refuses to choose me over this dead guy and is willing to give up the marriage to go. Said she still loves and wants to stay married to me, but wants to go regardless. My question am I missing something, cause I’m confuse.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

It sounds like your wife has always done what SHE wanted to do and I do not believe that you have all the truth and facts yet. And you may never get them. She is putting one person above all else - herself! She will still do what she wants and you can take or leave it.

I think that this fellow has always occupied a place in her heart and thoughts (possibly more) and has been there in the background throughout your marriage. Do you have kids ? You need to decide whether you are prepared to accept that she has been sharing her emotions with somebody else and is still prepared to do it. She obviously has feelings for him and has always had them. 

You are not missing much more than this. You have been part of her life but not all of her life when it comes to emotions and love for a man. 20 years of never really knowing who you were with.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Tell her when she goes to take all her things with her and don’t come back. 

No one does this after not seeing one another for 35 years. 

This is so disrespectful to you.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Dc76017 said:


> Last May wife of 20 years was caught with a online affair, where he was across the country. Supposedly they dated for 7 months 35 years go, when he was 21 and she was 15. Mom ran him off because of age, but they kept in contact for another couple of years.
> 
> after talking she agreed to end things. End of June found out she kept talking to him for another several weeks, approached her, and she said she was putting closer on and it was now finished.
> 
> ...


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Demand the truth. 

Bull**** they only dated for 7 months. 

Your wife is in his will. I am willing to bet she has been cheating on you your entire relationship/marriage.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i would tell her to go to the funeral and while your gone i will be filing for divorce. ...she is a cheater


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Your marriage has been dead for a long time man. Tell her to go to the funeral but your marriage is over. At least mine would be. Don't settle to live in this guys memory when all he had to do was talk to her on the phone when you took care of her. She doesn't deserve it.

Frankly when you dump her then you will be the one who got away then she can marry someone else and pine away for you. Trifling women like your wife are hard to be married to. Your wife is foolish. 

However tell her you want a women who loves only you, and you deserve it.

Plus I think @ABHale is right your wife has been at least emotionally cheating on you the whole time. Unfortunately at the very least you were her plan B. 

Man do you deserve better.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

Tell her to take PLENTY of lube. 

Seriously though, it sounds like she is in fantasy land. How would she feel if the shoe was on the other foot? If she has not physically cheated then I think you should try marriage counselling.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

First of all are you sure he’s dead?
It seems you have always been the consolation prize in her life,plan b in other words.
Never be plan b.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

What you are missing is that you came in 2nd. You don't even know whether the guy is really gone. See a lawyer!


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## stillthinking (Jun 1, 2016)

Have you confirmed anything she has told you?

Have you seen and/or read his obituary?


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

It's time to get a DNA test if there are any kids.


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## Dc76017 (May 12, 2018)

Thank you for everyone response. 

Late last night after trying to reason with her all day, I finally asked her a yes / No question. Choose me or him. Her first responses was she was choosing herself, I kept asking the question and her reply was “I CANT”

I think that says it all............I do love her, and wanted nothing more then to spend the rest of my life with her, but I agree with most, I refuse to be 2nd. 

Again thank everyone for your remarks, they help my mind know I wasn’t crazy.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Dc76017 said:


> Thank you for everyone response.
> 
> Late last night after trying to reason with her all day, I finally asked her a yes / No question. Choose me or him. Her first responses was she was choosing herself, I kept asking the question and her reply was “I CANT”
> 
> ...


She has answered you.It’s not the answer you wanted but it is clear that even in his (supposed) death she still refuses to choose you over him.
This would be a devastating blow to me,the fact she is willing to give up her marriage to go to him and you have my deepest sympathy.
I honestly believe she has cheated on you with him and not just emotionally.And like I asked you earlier, are you sure he is dead? This could also lead to her wanting to visit his (alleged) grave on a regular basis.
You don’t say whether you have children or not but I think you need to let them know what is going on.And also expose to any other family members you have.There is nothing to stop her telling everyone that she is attending the funeral and reading of the will of an old friend from the distant past and that your insecurities are causing problems,only you know the truth.Expose.Expose.Expose.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Dc76017 said:


> Her first responses was she was choosing herself, I kept asking the question and her reply was “I CANT”


Whether you stay with her or go, at least you know your position on the totem pole. Bear in mind to that just because he was across the country, doesn't mean he didn't spend a few days in your town every now and then.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

How long were they having an online affair? Months? Years? Did you get to read the messages? 

Online affairs can get very steamy, even if they never met in person. I think it's called "cybering." It can get very sexual and physical despite not being together in person. And of course it could be all of that "star-crossed" lovers stuff. The "I love you's," the "you're the person I should have been with," and all that jazz. It can be very hurtful.

Usually there are two main signs of cheating. First I think is hiding or guarding the phone. Second is the behavior., they type you said your wife was exhibiting even after she said the affair had ended. Based on your wife's behavior, it seemed like the online affair never ended, it just went underground.

Your wife already has been choosing herself for a while now.

I can only imagine that the "inheritance" from this guy to your wife will be mementos of their love. How are you going to feel when one of their love letters is framed and placed on her dresser in the bedroom next to your bed?

Do you have kids?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

OutofRetirement said:


> How long were they having an online affair? Months? Years? Did you get to read the messages?
> 
> Online affairs can get very steamy, even if they never met in person. I think it's called "cybering." It can get very sexual and physical despite not being together in person. And of course it could be all of that "star-crossed" lovers stuff. The "I love you's," the "you're the person I should have been with," and all that jazz. It can be very hurtful.
> 
> ...


There is a woman who works as a yoga instructor and runs classes at my gym regularly,she is very friendly with all the staff and clients.She appeared to be happily married until just over a year ago when her husband abruptly left her.They had a teenage daughter and she chose to go with her father.
It turned out that an old high school sweetheart of hers had died and she went back home for his funeral and stayed a few days with her family.Her husband couldn’t understand why she wanted to travel for the funeral and refused to accompany her as did the daughter.
While she was there she visited his home and his Mom showed her his old room and over his bed was a photo of both of them in their schooldays with a poem he had written for her declaring his undying love.He was intending to give it to her for Valentines but they had a fight and she broke up with him.She left for college soon after and other than seeing him in passing they never spoke for years and then it was only on social media and her husband knew about it.
She asked to borrow the picture and this is where things got interesting.She brought the picture to a tattooist who tattooed it on her back,she told me herself it took over twenty hours.Then she waited a few days and went home to hubby.As soon as he seen the tattoo he flipped and told her she needed to get it removed or he would remove himself from the marriage.She refused to contemplate getting laser removal so her husband left and commenced divorce proceedings.Eight months later the divorce was finalized and their daughter chose to live full time with the husband so no child support or alimony was paid.
She wears clothes in the gym which show most of the tattoo and is very proud of it.Now I hate tattoos and actually called my wedding off over the threat of one so I was the wrong person for her to be seeking sympathy from when she told me her story.She honestly can’t understand why her ex husband had a problem with the inking.I asked her eventually would she allow her husband to hang a picture of his first wife on the bedroom wall while they were having sex and she said of course not but her tattoo was different.I asked her how and her answer was her ex boyfriend was dead.
Where I live is one of the most expensive places to live in the US.She had to move almost ninety minutes away,lives in a tiny one bedroom apt and never gets to see her daughter.Right up until the court day her ex husband was willing to reconcile if she got the tattoo either removed or covered up but no dice.He daughter is sixteen and told her she looks like a hooker who just got out of a long jail sentence.
I feel bad for her and I was going to offer her the money to get something done with the tattoo.So I asked her recently did she regret her decision and her answer was when she has enough money saved she intends getting a lot more colors and details added.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

They met and they probably had sex. She's mourning him like a second husband, it must be very powerful to have your husband know and still want to go to the funeral.

Then when she comes back she will mourn him in her heart, and you'll probably have to look after her while she being sad.. or maybe when you're having sex she will be thinking about him.

Tough situation for sure.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

First, are you sure he is dead?
Cheaters lie. Your wife might be thinking that this would be just a good way of getting a one time thing out-of-the-way, and you not expecting anything.

If she does go, you must go with her.

If she does go and insist that you don’t go, tell her that you are visiting a lawyer.

When this is all over, she goes to individual counseling. Four months later, U2 start marriage counseling

No wiggle room at all!Good luck


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Kamstel said:


> First, are you sure he is dead?
> Cheaters lie. Your wife might be thinking that this would be just a good way of getting a one time thing out-of-the-way, and you not expecting anything.
> 
> If she does go, you must go with her.
> ...


I like everything here except for the IC before the MC. I have read about IC being the final death blow of a marriage that is like this when the WW is emotionally attached to something else. Not that it wasn't already over for my STBXWW but when I found all of the evidence of her affair and plans, I found what she was telling AP about her IC sessions over the phone and her IC was the only one that knew about him and from what I gather, ok with it. I realize WW was probably feeding a lot of lies and filtered info to IC to get a desired response but still.

I like the rest here though. It's a longshot but if OP wants to try one final thing, yes;

- if he wants to still make one final push and she goes, he goes along, if not GAME Over
- if they both go, when they come back, marriage counseling and whatever deal breakers for OP that must be agreed to;


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Help her pack for the trip.
Pack everything all of her stuff.
She made her choice long ago.
Tell her it was her choice and she
must now live with that choice.
Tell her your choice is you!!

Change the locks while she is gone 
and find a good lawyer. Her relationship
with him never ended and has been 
going on for your entire marriage.

Tell her your choice is you !!
Time to think about you and 
only you. She has been thinking
only about herself.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I see two ideas that may help her get it. 

One tell her to do what she wants but if she goes. Leave your house get an apartment move all your stuff and leave divorce papers on the table when she gets home. 

Don't take her calls for a long time. Maybe the shock of loosing you will wake her up, but then will you want her after you had to destroy your whole life for some MLC fantasy?

Second tell her you are opening up your side of the marriage because if she can be in love with two men and be married to you, you should also have the opportunity? This is not the right thing to do but it's more fair.


Finally what is your history like? Lots of times when you hear stories like this there is more to the story, like the poster cheated years earlier.


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## Robbie1234 (Feb 8, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> There is a woman who works as a yoga instructor and runs classes at my gym regularly,she is very friendly with all the staff and clients.She appeared to be happily married until just over a year ago when her husband abruptly left her.They had a teenage daughter and she chose to go with her father.
> It turned out that an old high school sweetheart of hers had died and she went back home for his funeral and stayed a few days with her family.Her husband couldn’t understand why she wanted to travel for the funeral and refused to accompany her as did the daughter.
> While she was there she visited his home and his Mom showed her his old room and over his bed was a photo of both of them in their schooldays with a poem he had written for her declaring his undying love.He was intending to give it to her for Valentines but they had a fight and she broke up with him.She left for college soon after and other than seeing him in passing they never spoke for years and then it was only on social media and her husband knew about it.
> She asked to borrow the picture and this is where things got interesting.She brought the picture to a tattooist who tattooed it on her back,she told me herself it took over twenty hours.Then she waited a few days and went home to hubby.As soon as he seen the tattoo he flipped and told her she needed to get it removed or he would remove himself from the marriage.She refused to contemplate getting laser removal so her husband left and commenced divorce proceedings.Eight months later the divorce was finalized and their daughter chose to live full time with the husband so no child support or alimony was paid.
> ...


You have still not gotten over your hatred of tattoos Andy no matter what you say. This woman sounds crazy, losing everything like she did. Her daughter was a bit over the top to her, that was just ride and disrespectful.


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## Robbie1234 (Feb 8, 2017)

sokillme said:


> I see two ideas that may help her get it.
> 
> One tell her to do what she wants but if she goes. Leave your house get an apartment move all your stuff and leave divorce papers on the table when she gets home.
> 
> ...


My wife had an affair with her boss and I found out. We stayed together for the kids but I never trusted her fully after that. Ten years later she cheated again and I threw her out. I found out later that they had been meeting once a year and I never suspected a thing.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Robbie1234 said:


> My wife had an affair with her boss and I found out. We stayed together for the kids but I never trusted her fully after that. Ten years later she cheated again and I threw her out. I found out later that they had been meeting once a year and I never suspected a thing.


It's in their nature. Giving them a second chance is a huge risk. Next time this happens to someone else here on the board and the crowd comes and says how being sorry makes them a good choice to R with please post this. People need to know what they are risking.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Let see...

We've got PA, EA, LTA, ONSA, SA, and now GA... a Grave Affair. 

BTW, your wife is an idiot.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Robbie1234 said:


> My wife had an affair with her boss and I found out. We stayed together for the kids but I never trusted her fully after that. Ten years later she cheated again and I threw her out. I found out later that they had been meeting once a year and I never suspected a thing.


You went through a lot of **** with your ex Mrs but look at it this way,you wouldn’t have met your current gf if you had stayed with the cheater.
Seeing as you posted about their yearly liaisons are you going to tell your daughters about it.
You should,you know she is working her way back into their lives.Anyway do whatever you think is right my friend and if I’m overstepping then I apologize.
And for the record I still hate tattoos and never have I denied it.lol.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You are confused because your wife isn't making any sense and you don't want to believe what is happening to your marriage. Your wife is telling you that she is in love with both of you and neither of you is more important than the other. She wants to have you and him, which has apparently been the case for some time now.

She never let him go of her own free will. She was originally forced out of a relationship with him by her mother. I don't blame her mother. I would do the same thing if my 15 year old child was in a relationship with a 21 year old.

Not only did she never let him go of her own free will, she never emotionally detached from him. They had a bond that didn't end and now he is apparently gone. She is still not willing to give him up. This isn't something new. This is something that began before you were ever in the picture. She has told you that she's not willing to make a choice between you even though he is now dead. She is telling you that you are not #1 and never will be. That man will always hold first place in her heart.

The question is whether you are willing to live with that or not. 



Dc76017 said:


> Last May wife of 20 years was caught with a online affair, where he was across the country. Supposedly they dated for 7 months 35 years go, when he was 21 and she was 15. Mom ran him off because of age, but they kept in contact for another couple of years. after talking she agreed to end things. End of June found out she kept talking to him for another several weeks, approached her, and she said she was putting closer on and it was now finished. For the next several 7 months, she kept doing things that she never done during our marriage. Caught in couple lies, acting strange, and not really talking much. She always said she loved me and only wanted me, but still had a gut feeling something still wasn’t right. Fast forward to yesterday, she said she received a phone call from this guys sister and he had pass away, His funeral is couple states away. The sister said before he died he mention that he wanted her at the funeral, and she was even in the will. My wife wants to go, said she thought she closed things out but she thinks if she goes and closes things out it will help us. I’m against her going and stated it, however she refuses to choose me over this dead guy and is willing to give up the marriage to go. Said she still loves and wants to stay married to me, but wants to go regardless. My question am I missing something, cause I’m confuse.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

It’s hard learning you are number two. 

It’s up to you whether you accept 2nd place or not.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

_Hiraeth is a Welsh word which means 'nostalgia', or, more commonly,'homesickness'. Many Welsh people claim 'hiraeth' is a word which cannot be translated, meaning more than solely "missing something" or "missing home." To some, it deploys the meaning of missing a time, an era, or a person. It is associated with the bittersweet memory of missing something or someone, while being grateful of that/ their existence. 

Hiraeth is a Welsh word that is somewhat difficult to describe in English, for the reason that there is no single English word that expresses all that it does. Some words often used to try to explain it are homesickness, yearning, and longing. 

However, there is more depth to hiraeth than in any of those words on their own. It seems to be a rather multi-layered word, which includes a different variety of homesickness than what is generally referred to. This kind of homesickness is like a combination of the *homesickness, longing, nostalgia, and yearning, for a home that you cannot return to, no longer exists, or maybe never was.* It can also include grief or sadness for who or what you have lost, losses which make your “home” not the same as the one you remember._

Sweetheart affairs are possibly the toughest to overcome because it's not just a love affair, it's a nostalgia of childhood.

At the heart of any emotional affair, however, is an escape from the actual life. It is a fantasy, a nice place to go for a while to get away from, almost like a vacation.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

I do not think you have the entire truth. There was something more than an online affair for her to desire to go to his funeral.
I first would verify he is dead. Secondly, tell your wife you will not be second best. The decision is hers. You go to the funeral, consider our marriage over.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

There's really no way to dispute my childhood stories. I have no pictures or videos. Any witnesses like my brothers or old friends remember pretty much the same things I remember. So it seems to be true. I certainly believe it to be true when I tell the story. But once in a while, there comes some kind of evidence to shake me from my rose-colored memories vs. the hard facts. An old friend's parent passes away, in an attic are photos or videos and guess what? We weren't as great as we remember, or we weren't as terribe as we remember it - rarely did we remember it accurately.

Memories of childhood frequently are not true. Our minds make it better or worse, but rarely accurate. My siblings and friends remember the same things we remember, more or less, and we all remember incorrectly.

With a sweetheart affair, you're up against that. When he's dead, it might even be worse.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Her answers just confirmed what I told you in your last post. If it were me, I would consider this marriage over and would mourn the years spent with her. She confirmed that she is putting HERSELF first (mighty open and honest of her but not good behaviour). She has been lying to you all this time.

As others are saying and I have said, I do not believe you have the full truth. There is more to this than she is saying and you would be best off cutting your losses and get the hell out of infidelity. If he is in fact dead, then this is (as others have said) an affair from beyond the grave (which puts her squarely in the land of lunacy like the girl Andy mentioned in his post who had a picture of her POSOM tatooed on her back).

I hope you see this clearly for what it is as soon as possible so that you can protect and heal yourself.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Dc76017 said:


> I finally asked her a yes / No question. Choose me or him. Her first responses was she was choosing herself, I kept asking the question and her reply was “I CANT”.


When she told you that “I CANT”, you were correct in understanding that she was telling you that she was not picking you.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” Maya Angelou


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

OutofRetirement said:


> With a sweetheart affair, you're up against that. *When he's dead, it might even be worse.*


 It's like a martyr.
This tune sums it up pretty well, except it's about John Lennon, instead of POSOM.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Your wife says he is dead. - Check the local obituaries. 
Your wife says she got a phone call from his sister. - You should call the sister. Your wife obviously has the number.

Your wife told you she cannot choose between your marriage and a dead man. That about says all you needed to hear. She holds more love for a supposedly dead XBF than you. Don't know about you, but I could never commit to being in second place in her heart to another man - dead or alive.

I would not mention it again. I would have divorce papers waiting on her ASAP.

You never answered if you have kids. Do you? How old? That will color the advice you are given.


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## Dc76017 (May 12, 2018)

Both my kids are grown and out on there own.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Dc76017 said:


> Both my kids are grown and out on there own.


OK. Now you should be out on your own also. Really you have been on your own for some time now and your wife has been with the other man - at least emotionally. You just did not know you were competing with another man for your wife's affections. Now you know and now you know that you came in 2nd. Sorry.

Time to look after yourself and do the things you have always wanted to do.

Oh and when the kids ask why - don't lie to them.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Dc76017 said:


> Both my kids are grown and out on there own.


Did you ask her how this all came about in 7 months?

Also, she did make a choice when you asked her. She didn’t choose you. 

I can’t imagine what you feel, the guy is dead. Damn


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@Dc76017, I hate to say this, but you definitely do NOT have the entire story here.
She dated him, and didn't have ANY contact with him for 35 YEARS, talks to him online for 7 months, and now she is in his will and she just HAS to go to his funeral? Does this even REMOTELY sound reasonable here?
"after talking she agreed to end things. End of June found out she kept talking to him for another several weeks"
So, WHY do you believe her about anything she has said about this guy -- she clearly has been lying to you for a while about this. PLEASE do yourself a favor and verify that the guy is dead.

" Said she still loves and wants to stay married to me, but wants to go regardless." and "Choose me or him. Her first responses was she was choosing herself, I kept asking the question and her reply was “I CANT”" 
NOT compatible. She doesn't love you or want to be married to you enough to give up something that was 35 years ago? Nope, not buying it. I would bet that things have been going on for a VERY long time.
If you told her if she leaves, to pack up all of her stuff as you would be getting a divorce, what would she say?

Have there been any weekends away, visiting the old hometown, etc. during the years you've been married? I'd go through your house with a fine-toothed comb -- if she is this hung up, I bet she had things from this guy during the years you've been married (letters, pics, etc.). Did you get copies of all of her communications with this guy?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

@Dc76017: Your wife had at least an emotional affair (EA) with this other man (OM), and an EA is cheating. It may have gone physical for all that you know, because if he loved her that much, he could have flown into town; why not he even mentions her in his will for gosh sake? He told his family about his relationship with her, such that they invited her to come to the funeral as the love of his life. Although it is normal to invite the spouse of an invited guest to a funeral, since she is going as his lover, it is a given that you as her spouse are not invited. Can’t have her professing to his family her undying love for him as her affair partner with the cheated on husband standing there.

Somewhere out there is a woman that would love to be your faithful spouse. Someone that would wake up everyday thanking God that you were in her life. That woman is not your wife, and it never will be because she will always be thinking of the other man, wondering what could have been if he was the one that lived, and you were the one that she went to the funeral for. Go out there and find that faithful spouse that would put no man before you in her life. She is out there, now get busy finding that woman.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

TDSC60 said:


> Oh and when the kids ask why - don't lie to them.


 Tell you kids that you are divorcing her because she cheated on you with another man that even named her in his will. That while you were still struggling to see if you could still stay in this marriage, rather than do what she could to show you that she was truly remorseful and help you heal, she chose to rub your nose in the affair by going to her affair partners funeral as his grieving lover.


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## Dc76017 (May 12, 2018)

Update......she left yesterday afternoon to go to her moms, she wasn’t decided if she was going to travel to funeral, which is at least 10 hours away and she would need to leave today. Said she need to think, Work this out. She said she couldn’t give me 100% until she closed this. Guys, there is so much that doesn’t make sense and I’m starting to think the same as many has written, is this guy really dead, but at this point it doesn’t even matter, just in the last 2 days I’ve been told I’m not 1st in her life, and she can’t give me a 100%. Right now my heart is tied in knots, hearing this from the women you loved with all your heart is the worse feeling. Plus if he is dead, I loss to a dead man just about makes it laughable. Again I appreciate everyone’s imput, I was thinking/feeling what most wrote, but it’s nice to know my thinking is the way it should be.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

OutofRetirement said:


> _Hiraeth is a Welsh word which means 'nostalgia', or, more commonly,'homesickness'. Many Welsh people claim 'hiraeth' is a word which cannot be translated, meaning more than solely "missing something" or "missing home." To some, it deploys the meaning of missing a time, an era, or a person. It is associated with the bittersweet memory of missing something or someone, while being grateful of that/ their existence.
> 
> Hiraeth is a Welsh word that is somewhat difficult to describe in English, for the reason that there is no single English word that expresses all that it does. Some words often used to try to explain it are homesickness, yearning, and longing.
> 
> ...


Hiraeth..

I know this word.
I know the feeling.

I live this feeling, feel it course through my veins... when I am not in motion. 
When I am still.

Hurray..



The Typist I, from his notes.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Dc76017 said:


> Update......she left yesterday afternoon to go to her moms, she wasn’t decided if she was going to travel to funeral, which is at least 10 hours away and she would need to leave today. Said she need to think, Work this out. She said she couldn’t give me 100% until she closed this. Guys, there is so much that doesn’t make sense and I’m starting to think the same as many has written, is this guy really dead, but at this point it doesn’t even matter, just in the last 2 days I’ve been told I’m not 1st in her life, and she can’t give me a 100%. Right now my heart is tied in knots, hearing this from the women you loved with all your heart is the worse feeling. *Plus if he is dead, I loss to a dead man just about makes it laughable.* Again I appreciate everyone’s imput, I was thinking/feeling what most wrote, but it’s nice to know my thinking is the way it should be.


Alas...

My heart aches for you.

You lost to a 'dead' man?

Nay, he is not dead.
He lives in her mind, in her heart.

You?
You live in her house.
You occupy space.

He, the 'dead' man lives in 'your' place.
The marriage plot.

Their love, the dead man's and her's was Made in Heaven.

Your' love, her's and your's?
Was.....made up.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Dc76017 said:


> Update......she left yesterday afternoon to go to her moms, she wasn’t decided if she was going to travel to funeral, which is at least 10 hours away and she would need to leave today. *Said she need to think, Work this out. She said she couldn’t give me 100% until she closed this.*
> 
> Guys, *there is so much that doesn’t make sense* and I’m starting to think the same as many has written, is this guy really dead, but at this point it doesn’t even matter, just in the last 2 days *I’ve been told I’m not 1st in her life, and she can’t give me a 100%*. Right now my heart is tied in knots, hearing this from the women you loved with all your heart is the worse feeling. Plus if he is dead, I loss to a dead man just about makes it laughable. Again I appreciate everyone’s imput, I was thinking/feeling what most wrote, but it’s nice to know my thinking is the way it should be.


Very likely she had continued to remain in contact with him when you thought she had stopped.

You can't discount that she didn't meet in person. It's possible.

You thought that HE was the "on the side" guy with you the main dish. Now you are realizing that he was the main dish, you were on the side. What she is telling you is she wants to make you the main dish, but she has to grieve her recently dead main dish, then she will try to make you number one again.

It's up to you, but to me, that's a very tough pill to swallow. I don't know if you can.

IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE TO YOU.
That's because you are missing some big pieces of the puzzle. You know your wife. You know that she is not crazy or an idiot. If you have all of the pieces of information that she has, it would make sense to you, too. 

But look at her behavior. Look at her words. Those things - actions and words - are indicators of what is missing. Pay attention 100% to her actions - this is the truth. Her words may or may not be truth. Pay attention to the words whent they are consistent with her actions. Discount her words when they don't match up with her actions.

Try to fill in the puzzles that you can easily. I think the missing puzzles keeps people in a state of limbo who doesn't know what to do or not do until they know the truth. Find out if the guy is dead or not. I thought about that possibility, too, that he might not be dead, and it's a chance for her to get her "one final closure" while he was alive, planning to truly "bury the affair" and your wife didn't think you'd care if she was going to see a dead guy.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Dc76017 said:


> Update......she left yesterday afternoon to go to her moms, she wasn’t decided if she was going to travel to funeral, which is at least 10 hours away and she would need to leave today. Said she need to think, Work this out. She said she couldn’t give me 100% until she closed this. Guys, there is so much that doesn’t make sense and I’m starting to think the same as many has written, is this guy really dead, but at this point it doesn’t even matter, just in the last 2 days I’ve been told I’m not 1st in her life, and she can’t give me a 100%. Right now my heart is tied in knots, hearing this from the women you loved with all your heart is the worse feeling. Plus if he is dead, I loss to a dead man just about makes it laughable. Again I appreciate everyone’s imput, I was thinking/feeling what most wrote, but it’s nice to know my thinking is the way it should be.


You need to file for divorce, and you need to do it now. 

I understand that you are hurting and having a hard time but here is the deal...

You don't know anything that has actually been going on. You don't know if he is really dead, but most of all you really don't know what has been going on with her. 

How many times has she gone to "visit" mom without you? Over that last how ever many years. 

What she has said is the absolute tip and a very small tip of the iceberg. But one thing that you do know, is that she has been having an affair and the you are definitely not number one. 

For all you know, you are number 5, that right there is way more than enough for you to end things. 

You need to pull the trigger and end this...


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

The time for her to start giving you 100% was the day you got married. She fell short and ran up a huge deficit. After this event she needs to prove her love for you.

File for divorce on Monday. Make it real for her. See if she can start to pay her debt. The divorce process can be stopped at ant time.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Pack up your stuff.

Bring anything you want to keep and bring them to a buddy’s house for safe keeping.

Close all joint bank and credit accounts. 

Put 50% in a new account that she can’t touch, 

Vanish! Shut off your phone and go away on vacation for a while


Tell only work that you are going to use up all of your vacation time

Go and clear your head!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Lonely husband 42301 said:


> I do not think you have the entire truth. There was something more than an online affair for her to desire to go to his funeral.
> I first would verify he is dead. Secondly, tell your wife you will not be second best. The decision is hers. You go to the funeral, consider our marriage over.


I agree...
..........................................................

If she goes to the funeral, the marriage is over.

Nay!

The marriage is already over, it's funeral commenced, the signed marriage paper undertaken, buried by her willful volition, by her words, by her admission.

She already buried her marriage to you. 
Likely, long ago, now official, seen in that open casket, for all to view.


The Typist II


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

And finally......

FILE FOR DIVORCE Monday morning.

Tell her about this in your last text to her


You don’t deserve this! No one does!!


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## TheBohannons (Apr 6, 2018)

She left to go to her mothers. The chances that she will divert her travel plans and go are very high. She will evaluate you as a man and if she thinks she can go, come back and win you back, she will go to the funeral. This isnt just about what she thinks of him, but what she thinks of you.

You have one chance to avoid this nightmare. Send her a text. "I am divorcing you". Do not say "if you go, I will divorce". You must go all in. She may call your bluff,.so don't be bluffing. Do not answer the phone. If she doesn't return, then pack your bags. Even if she does, this will eat at you for a very long time.

She wants closure? Close the door on her. Send the text. Choosing to do nothing and waiting until you see what she does, is a choice to live in a nightmare.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Dc76017 said:


> (1) Last May wife of 20 years was caught with a online affair, where he was across the country.
> (2) End of June found out she kept talking to him for another several weeks,
> (3) approached her, and
> (4) she said she was putting closer on and
> ...


You are confused, but you shouldn't be. Maybe you didn't understand the online affair back in May when you first found out. That is understandable. Online affairs are hard to grasp for many, and many understate it's importance. However, when she couldn't stop, and she was still talking to him in June, then that should have woken you up. Probably she soft-sold you on how "he was just a friend, it's silly, I still love you," blah, blah, blah. You believed her because you'd been with her 18-19 years, raised kids, been through thick and thin, and you KNEW she had your back.

In retrospect you can see, back in June, she was very, very deep with that guy. She risked you and her marriage by continuing it. She hoped you wouldn't be willing or able to monitor her and find out how deep she was with this guy. Think about the guys you know who had affairs - do you think those guys are putting their ONLINE affair partners who DATED 7 MONTHS 35 YEARS AGO - in their wills?

Get outisde of your world of trauma and try to look at the big picture - if I wrote the post, and you were reading it.

I think most people who post here get the "FILE IMMEDIATELY" advice. Which almost always is good advice. And is good advice for you, too. But people who are married happily for 19 years and 3 months, prosperous, successfully raised kids - and find out things weren't good for the past 9 months - are not ready to divorce.

Which is not to say that they don't eventually file for divorce. I think most do. It just takes a while for them to get there. They still are thinking of their loyal wife of 19 years and 3 months. They are putting most weight on that 96% portion of their marriage, and almost no weight on the last 4%, the last 9 months, of that marriage. But that is a crazy way to think about it.

Consider your house, which you've lived in for 20 happy years. For 19 years 11 months 29 days and 23 hours it's been a great happy house. The last hour, the house has caught fire. Are you going to ignore the house because it's been good for 99.9% of the time you lived in it? Or are you going to go to the fullest extent to put out the fire?

The filing for divorce, is not a divorce. It is a filing. A divorce is a long, drawn-out process. A filing is a statement - "I WILL NOT BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED ANY LONGER."

It's easier for your wife. She gradually fell in love with the other man, and she gradually fell out of love with you. She knew it happening and went with it. She was able to transition. Knowing what she was doing. She saw the house, she put little fires in the basement, little fires in the attic, secretly placing little fires here and there, in the closets, behind the furniture. Then all of a sudden, you see the fire, and you are confused - how did this fire get so bad so fast? It's not magic.

Who knows about the online affair? Who knows about you catching her, and she still going back to him for "closure"? Who knows about her being in the guy's will? And who knows she told you she can't decide, staying married to you or going to the guy's funeral? Those are all true events that happened, and I think if other people close to her knew, they might influence her. Or at the very least, they will now know why your wife is telling them bad things about you (a common occurrence).


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Dc76017 said:


> Update......she left yesterday afternoon to go to her moms, she wasn’t decided if she was going to travel to funeral, which is at least 10 hours away and she would need to leave today. Said she need to think, Work this out. She said she couldn’t give me 100% until she closed this. Guys, there is so much that doesn’t make sense and I’m starting to think the same as many has written, is this guy really dead, but at this point it doesn’t even matter, just in the last 2 days I’ve been told I’m not 1st in her life, and she can’t give me a 100%. Right now my heart is tied in knots, hearing this from the women you loved with all your heart is the worse feeling. Plus if he is dead, I loss to a dead man just about makes it laughable. Again I appreciate everyone’s imput, I was thinking/feeling what most wrote, but it’s nice to know my thinking is the way it should be.


Your wife’s actions and what she is saying doesn’t make any sense unless she has been having an affair with him this entire time. She is grieving the loss of someone she really loved, why such a bond between them? What your wife has admitted to doesn’t account for it. 

Now she has separated herself from you to figure this out. The man is dead and he holds this kind of loyalty from YOUR wife. She is acting like her husband has died. 

I would talk with your kids about these. They might be able to shed some light on this. Not saying they knew what was going on, just somethings that were questionable could be cleared up. Also you will need their advice and support.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Dc76017 said:


> Late last night after trying to reason with her all day, *I finally asked her a yes / No question. Choose me or him*. Her first responses was she was choosing herself, I kept asking the question and her reply was “I CANT”
> 
> I think that says it all............*I do love her, and wanted nothing more then to spend the rest of my life with her,* but I agree with most, I refuse to be 2nd.


*Irony?*

You want to save your marriage and ask her to commit to you alone. She in turn chooses a DEAD GUY over you. :scratchhead:


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Dc76017 said:


> Last May wife of 20 years was caught with a online affair, where he was across the country. Supposedly they dated for 7 months 35 years go, when he was 21 and she was 15. Mom ran him off because of age, but they kept in contact for another couple of years. after talking she agreed to end things. End of June found out she kept talking to him for another several weeks, approached her, and she said she was putting closer on and it was now finished. For the next several 7 months, she kept doing things that she never done during our marriage. Caught in couple lies, acting strange, and not really talking much. She always said she loved me and only wanted me, but still had a gut feeling something still wasn’t right. Fast forward to yesterday, she said she received a phone call from this guys sister and he had pass away, His funeral is couple states away. The sister said before he died he mention that he wanted her at the funeral, and she was even in the will. My wife wants to go, said she thought she closed things out but she thinks if she goes and closes things out it will help us. I’m against her going and stated it, however she refuses to choose me over this dead guy and is willing to give up the marriage to go. Said she still loves and wants to stay married to me, but wants to go regardless. My question am I missing something, cause I’m confuse.


*If I were in your shoes, I'd definitely give her permission to go to the funeral... but only if you accompanied her!

And you two talk about it all the way out there and all the way back!*


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## Dc76017 (May 12, 2018)

Update.....

I did confirm he did die and the funeral is early this week. 

Some other questions you great people ask. 
I was never invited to travel with her.
I suspect affair lasted longer also, but she claims it did not.
I asked her again to make a choice between me and herself and this guy and again I came in second


She keeps saying she is doing this for us, close this out so she can give me 100%. She is not understanding that I will not be able to give her 100% if I’m able to give her anything. 

This is hard, because I truly love this women, we have 20 awersome years and I know I haven’t always been a good husband especially in the early years, however in the last 15 years I gave this women every ounce of my soul, never lied to her, never hit her, never ever consider anyone but her. We had our ups and downs through out our marriage, but I always taken care of her. Anything she wanted I wouldn’t rest until she got it. I keep asking myself what I did wrong..................I know what I should do and it’s a good chance I will do just that, but it’s still very hard for the simply reason I loved her to the moon and back. She will never truly know how bad she has hurt me, and she will never know by not choosing me, she is killing me. 

Again thanks everybody that took the time to write something, this is help me know, my thinking is not wrong


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Dc76017 said:


> Last May wife of 20 years was caught with a online affair, where he was across the country. Supposedly they dated for 7 months 35 years go, when he was 21 and she was 15. Mom ran him off because of age, but they kept in contact for another couple of years. after talking she agreed to end things. End of June found out she kept talking to him for another several weeks, approached her, and she said she was putting closer on and it was now finished. For the next several 7 months, she kept doing things that she never done during our marriage. Caught in couple lies, acting strange, and not really talking much. She always said she loved me and only wanted me, but still had a gut feeling something still wasn’t right. Fast forward to yesterday, she said she received a phone call from this guys sister and he had pass away, His funeral is couple states away. The sister said before he died he mention that he wanted her at the funeral, and she was even in the will. My wife wants to go, said she thought she closed things out but she thinks if she goes and closes things out it will help us. I’m against her going and stated it, however she refuses to choose me over this dead guy and is willing to give up the marriage to go. Said she still loves and wants to stay married to me, but wants to go regardless. My question am I missing something, cause I’m confuse.


Based on that description, I think you're missing the usual sequence: 1) Marriage counselor 2) Divorce lawyer


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Two men died of late...

He first, you second.

NO! You first, he second.

She killed you when she never let him go.
Only now, do you know you are a Ghost.

You, an afterthought, in the present tense, in your present life.

On this...
One of the life cycles, or one or two in combination, has finally taken him, now her.
Has opened her secreted truth.

He died, her old life now dies. Both these lovebirds gave up the Ghost.
The Ghost, being you.

One of the life cycles took her when he left. He leaving her alone.
He leaving, her chest ripped open. 
All her inner truths being exposed.

She was fine as long as he was living.
As long as you could not see. You being blind to this truth.

Now you, because of her, must start a new life, one anew.
One open, no secrets, no love unmet.

Hers were met in the dark, in the shade, the corner of your eye.

They were busy stroking, stoking passions, none connected to you.
Well, maybe connected to you by ink, not by love, by loving succor.

The curtains are off the windows, the light shines in, exposing deceit, exposing love never owned.
Owned by you.

Agh, painful this spot that you do not rest well...on.


The Typist II-


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Stand your ground. She's not understanding that the thing she needs to "close" should have never been opened. Her staying home would demonstrate her understanding of that, and would be a necessary concession in the beginning of her long apology process.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Dc76017 said:


> She keeps saying she is doing this for us, close this out so she can give me 100%. She is not understanding that I will not be able to give her 100% if I’m able to give her anything.


 Text your cheating wife the following:

“You continue to believe that it is all about you and what you need to have closure on your cheating. It is not, as I too matter. Lost to you is the need to show me 100% remorse in order to give me a chance at closure over your cheating, and that would give me reason to consider giving our marriage another try. Thus the only way that I can have the 100% closure that I need is to quickly move forward on an immediate divorce, that would allow me find and to grow old with another wife that puts me first in her life. Making this decision has lifted a great deal of weight off of my mind. Be well in your new life. I truly wish you find happiness.”


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Dc76017 said:


> Update.....
> 
> I did confirm he did die and the funeral is early this week.
> 
> ...


Op I really hope you stop an actually let sink in what she is telling you.
You have NEVER been number one.
She has NEVER loved you the way you love her.
She has ALWAYS loved him more than you.
She is telling you that when she has closure of a thirty five year old love affair that she will then move you up the pecking order in her affections.
This is not a life I would wish on my worst enemy.
You have wasted over twenty years in this sham of a relationship with this woman you thought loved only you.
Do not waste the next twenty wondering if she is thinking of him when you are together.She will not be able to just forget him,she will compare everything about you to him and he will ALWAYS be better because he is dead and in her mind he is the true love of her life,the fabled “one who got away”.
Tell her to stay at her mothers,institute divorce proceedings and most important of all expose this affair to your children and both your families.


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## TheBohannons (Apr 6, 2018)

In reading your update, she has told you she is going. You need to really think about this. The guy is dead and she wants to pay her final respect and weep the love she lost. While disrespecting you and be willing to lose your love. Her desire to see him one last time is stronger than your marriage.

Your love is not important to her. Your love is disposable. 

Accept it. It is over. No more talking. She left you no other option, other than to be plan B...maybe. Send the text saying you are going to divorce. She will either read the text a hundred times and blow up your phone, or she will read it once and delete it.

It is hard to leave the one you love. Just as it is hard to accept that they do not love you.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

She always intended to go to the funeral as the grieving long lost love of his life. And she will.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Dc76017 said:


> Update.....
> 
> I did confirm he did die and the funeral is early this week.
> 
> ...


Never be a doormat to anyone.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Dc76017

I fixed your username so you can remain anonymous on this site.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Dc76017 said:


> Update.....
> This is hard, because I truly love this women, we have 20 awersome years and I know I haven’t always been a good husband especially in the early years, however in the last 15 years I gave this women every ounce of my soul, never lied to her, never hit her, never ever consider anyone but her. We had our ups and downs through out our marriage, but I always taken care of her. Anything she wanted I wouldn’t rest until she got it. I keep asking myself what I did wrong..................I know what I should do and it’s a good chance I will do just that, but it’s still very hard for the simply reason I loved her to the moon and back. She will never truly know how bad she has hurt me, and she will never know by not choosing me, she is killing me.


 @Dc76017

Yes you did all this, and she has taken you for granted. You should not give everything to someone else, as you did, because it becomes the norm, and they become entitled. There should always be the understanding that your love is not unconditional. Your wife is human, not a Goddess. You gave her everything, and she got bored with it. People tend to want what they cannot have. She was denied him, and always grieved that.

*To save a marriage, you have to be willing to lose it, and she has to be convinced of that*. You always gave her everything she wanted, why should she expect you to act differently now? So, convince her:

1. *Lawyer up* now! Papers should be served as soon as possible. Have the papers sitting on the dinning room table with your wedding ring on top. 

2. Being served and being divorced are two different things. This will be a cold slap in the face. *Divorce can be called off anytime during the long process that it takes*.

3. You need to* cut off contact *with her now! She made her choice, now show her you meant what you said. Telling her to choose twice showed weakness. Cut that out now.

4. *Never* do a "pick me, pick me please" dance. Again, it makes you look pathetic.

5. *All contact *should be through your lawyer from now on.

6. *Expose* to family and friends what is happening.

7. *Start getting you ducks in order financially*. Start cancelling credit cards as soon a she is home. Separate finances.

8. *Never get back together* till she takes a polygraph test about her past actions.

9. *Get out of the house* as soon as possible. Take a vacation from her. She should have trouble finding you when she returns. 

10. Women respect *Courage, Strength, & Decisiveness*. Start being courageous, strong, and decisive. To do otherwise will guarantee an unhappy life from now on. You had better start letting her know there is a new man in her life and that she killed the old one with her crap. She should be in the *"OMG, what have I done!"* mindset.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Dc76017 said:


> She keeps saying she is doing this for us, close this out so she can give me 100%. She is not understanding that I will not be able to give her 100% if I’m able to give her anything.


Well, it seemed you were understanding enough when you caught her in an online affair in May, and then you were understanding when you found out again in June, and the guy was ALIVE back then! So, now he is dead, so she figures "DC always suffered the poop sandwich in the past, DC will suffer this one, too." Why wouldn't she think that? You've always seemed OK with it in the past.

How did you find out about the online affair? How much info did you know? Did you actually read the messages? Was it "I love you" or "I want to have sex with you" - romantic or sexual?

If he was willing to put something in his will for her, then he would have sent her gifts while he was still alive and "in love" with her. What gifts has she received from him? Cards, letters? If she's out of the house, why don't you take a look of what she is hiding in your house?

What consequences has she had from the online cheating? Did she try to fix things with you, like try to be especially open and honest, so you can rebuild trust?

I am getting a picture that she is selfish and entitled. ME ME ME ME ME !!! It's all about MEEEEEE!!!!! At least for the past year. 

Who knows about her affair?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Dc76017 said:


> Both my kids are grown and out on there own.


Given her behaviour and what she is saying, are absolutely sure, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that they are in fact, your kids?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Dc76017 said:


> She keeps saying she is doing this for us, close this out so she can give me 100%.


This has got to be the biggest load of BS I have heard in a while. She's doing it for the both of you? WTF is she talking about? You have nothing to do with this. She has everything to do with this. This mess is her fault. she should have been giving you a hundred percent when she said I do at the altar. I find it so rich that she had an affair with this man for Lord knows how long, and NOW she brings you into the fold? Complete and utter BS. She's cake eating with a dead man.

I am so sorry you are hurting so much. It's brutal, I know. But you need to realize quickly that your wife is not the woman you thought she was all these years. I will echo the others in saying that you really have no idea what happened. Lots of puzzle pieces are missing and there is no way she will tell you the full story.

At this point, it does not matter one whit if she attends the funeral or not. ( But there is not a shadow of a doubt that she will.) She has told you unequivocally where she holds you in her heart. Never, ever, be Plan B.

See a divorce lawyer on Monday. Do not waffle. Forge ahead and only ahead. Without her.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"Anything she wanted I wouldn’t rest until she got it. I keep asking myself what I did wrong..................I know what I should do and it’s a good chance I will do just that, but it’s still very hard for the simply reason I loved her to the moon and back. She will never truly know how bad she has hurt me, and she will never know by not choosing me, she is killing me. "

YOU did nothing wrong -- SHE is 100% to blame for the affair, and she is still in the fog about it. I agree that I don't think she realizes how much damage she has caused to you and your marriage -- maybe to the point of killing off the marriage. She just won't get it if she is in the fog (and she is).

DID she go to the funeral? You said she had to leave today if she was going to make it. I think you need to tell her mother what went on about this because I'm sure she is spinning this as "he is controlling/jealous -- this is just an old HS friend....). In fact, you should expose this more than just to her mom. If you can get a hold of the dead mans sister, I think you should tell HER that her dead brother was in an affair with your wife, and that he basically destroyed your marrige. You need to bounce her our of the fog (giving her D papers will also help that). 
You say you love/know your wife -- you really don't know what was going on in her head and still don't. You know the IMAGE you have of your wife, but she really isn't what you think.


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## Robbie1234 (Feb 8, 2017)

In Ireland we have a saying that goes Don't bury the living with the dead". Your wife has shown you that she is willing to bury your living marriage in order to go to a dead man's funeral. 
I wrote earlier about catching my wife cheating on me with her boss and then ten years later catching her again. I told everyone I know about the affair and that includes the firm they worked for. Her bosses wife's family owned the business and him and my wife were sacked. They both swore that this was the first time in ten years that they had been together. 
He started a legal case for unfair dismissal and it took a couple of years before it was heard and then it was immediately withdrawn. The company had gone back over years of expenses claimed by both of them and were able to find lots of discrepancies. My wife eventually admitted that they would arrange to meet up every so often in a hotel but being greedy they both put in an expenses claim. There were copies of receipts that were faked. 
I never suspected this at all even though I didn't trust her fully. I thought she had learned her lesson. More fool me.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Did she end up going to the funeral?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Dc76017 said:


> Update.....
> 
> I did confirm he did die and the funeral is early this week.
> 
> ...


What has been the dynamic in your marriage that she think she can say that disrespectful stuff to you and there will be no consequence? She thinks whatever she does you will just take it and always be their for her to fall back on. Why? It's because you will "love her to the moon and back". You probably have a long history of taking it. 

I would like to point out the only people who healthy love unconditionally like that are parents. So she is treating you like her parent. No fear that anything will kill your love. Never love someone enough that you let them abuse you, because they will abuse you. This is what you did and are continuing to do wrong. 

If it were me I would get divorce papers ready and tell her she doesn't have to make a decision, you all ready have. There are plenty of other women in this world who would treat the man who loved them to death with such disrespect. Also tell your kids why you are divorcing. No matter what this needs to be seen as an mid life crisis affair not some laughable long lost love.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Dc76017 said:


> She keeps saying she is doing this for us, close this out so she can give me 100%. She is not understanding that I will not be able to give her 100% if I’m able to give her anything.


Gosh...that is so nice of your W to "do this for us". What a crock. Where was your W when OM was alive? Your W should have been giving you 100% all these years. Crap sandwich being basically plan B with a paycheck. 

If you W can not understand you not giving 100% ask her to dig deep into her selfish brain and find how she can not give you 100% with the crock called closure.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your situation.

As many have already mentioned, you appear to have always been 2nd based on the actions of your 'wife'.

Unfortunately, unless you get out of your 'marriage' to her and stand up for yourself, you will always be 2nd as you will never 'win' against a ghost/memory.

Even if the affair was not physical, the space and time your so called wife gave to this other man was space and time that was not given to you.

Even now there is a room in her head and heart that you will unfortunately never get access to, despite what your wife is telling you.

No amount of closure will ever have you getting 100% of her.

I hope you can come to terms with your new reality and be able to take actions to protect yourself.


Good luck.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Hey man how are things?


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I would let her go AND you go with her!! Just allow her to put this to rest. He is dead. Aren't you curious about what's in the will?


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Elvis has left the building.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Noble1, you are right. He will never get 100% from her, so he should get out now. She need a wake up call, and filing on her will do it.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Your right she will never know how much she hurt you because you are still there, because you stood by her side even when the affair was going on...only when you are not next to her, supporting her will she then understand (and even then perhaps not) will she get the depth of pain you cause...frankly if i were you, i would not be there when she gets back, have her fell that lose as the second man Sun Mars noted, namely you...pack a bag and travel away if you can or at the very least somewhere in town that she does not know, leave a note telling her that you are grieving now in the lose of a trusting wife who has forsaken your marriage for another. you need time away to clear your mind and figure out if this is what you want.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@Dc76017, any updates? Did she go?


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

I question the affair determination. I know that a lot of folks get all triggery and all, but did she really have an online affair or did she have a friendship with a dude from her past and kept it quiet to keep the peace? 

I know how that sounds, but I have known plenty of folks who have such possessive partners that they keep other friendships like secrets just to keep the peace. I know a man who so browbeat his wife that she cut off her best female friend after he accused her if being a lesbian. 4 kids, religous right spectrum, and nothing to suggest anything of the sort on either woman, but the husband did not like it. So she ended the friendship.

I know women who try not to interact with male coworkers because of perceptions. Sort of female versions of Mike Pence, the vp. Its awkward.

My point is did she have an actual emotional online affair or did she have a friendship with a guy? I get all if the views that if its secret its an affair logic, but as I described above, that is not always the case.

It makes no sense to me that your wife would cheat and then throw it in your face by grieving his death and going to the funeral. If she had an actual real objective online emotional affair and did as described, its because she knows that you will take it, suck it up or whatever it takes to keep the relationship.

If, OTOH, she had a friendship and kept it quiet because she knew things would get blown out of proportion, then her actions make sense. She's saying, "my friend died and I want to go to his funeral and you are making this about some non existent affair and I am not going to let your imagination control me."

I am thinking the latter as I cannot see her throwing away a 20 year marriage over a dead AP, with whom no hope of a relationship could exist.


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## Dc76017 (May 12, 2018)

Everyone is asking for a update......

She did travel to the location where the funeral was, but decided not to attend the funeral. The funeral was on Tuesday, she left her moms sun, arrived in the town around midnight, Got up Monday morning and headed back. She said she came to her senses and has apologized everyday all day since. I’m still not sure what to take from all of this, she knows she might of went to far and the marriage could be over. I’ve told her I needed some time to think, I was going to choose myself for awhile. That’s where we are today.....not sure what will happen moving forward. I know lot of you said dirvorce her, or that’s what you would do, for me 23 years togeather is a long time. Of that 23 years, 22 of them have been great. I guess it’s hard for me to walk away of 23 years. However I have never been so hurt before, never so confused in my life. So I’m not sure what will happen. I praying, thinking and watching, and hope it will come to me as what I should do. Thanks for everyone responses, It help me see it from different looks. This site does help.


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## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

@Dc76017 You haven't given many actual details. People are telling you to divorce because they are filling in the blanks with their own details, basing it on years of reading stories like this. You have to understand that there are people on this board who do this all day every day on multiple message boards. 

That doesn't mean they are wrong. I'm just trying give you an idea of where they are coming from.

What did you discover that made you classify this as an affair?


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## Dc76017 (May 12, 2018)

Jus260 said:


> @Dc76017 You haven't given many actual details. People are telling you to divorce because they are filling in the blanks with their own details, basing it on years of reading stories like this. You have to understand that there are people on this board who do this all day every day on multiple message boards.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I’m not saying they are wrong, these people helped me so much by giving me stuff to look at, consider. I can never thank this group enough. 

My wife has admitted to a emotional affair where things went to far then she intended them to. 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

I am nor getting a whole lot of this story. The short, detail sparse, version is that she admitted to an emotional affair, was called out of the blue and told that her AP died, told you she was going to his funeral and called your bluff on the "its him or me" tactic, went to go to the funeral but seemingly did not go, stayed out of the house a few days and YOU don't want to walk away from 23 years, but you are really hurt?!

Things went to far how? For how long? On whose part? When, in relation to your 23 year marriage? How long ago? Why did she admit it? What did she admit? Did she admit an affair or just concede your point? Any confrontation with AP? Any apology from him? Any counseling for you? Why did she go too far? 

Seriously, there are more questions than answers here.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Dc76017 said:


> Everyone is asking for a update......
> 
> She did travel to the location where the funeral was, but decided not to attend the funeral. The funeral was on Tuesday, she left her moms sun, arrived in the town around midnight, Got up Monday morning and headed back. She said she came to her senses and has apologized everyday all day since. I’m still not sure what to take from all of this, she knows she might of went to far and the marriage could be over. I’ve told her I needed some time to think, I was going to choose myself for awhile. That’s where we are today.....not sure what will happen moving forward. I know lot of you said dirvorce her, or that’s what you would do, for me 23 years togeather is a long time. Of that 23 years, 22 of them have been great. I guess it’s hard for me to walk away of 23 years. However I have never been so hurt before, never so confused in my life. So I’m not sure what will happen. I praying, thinking and watching, and hope it will come to me as what I should do. Thanks for everyone responses, It help me see it from different looks. This site does help.


Ask her for the truth with no lies no omission. 

Tell her there is no way this happens when you haven’t seen someone for roughy 30 years. 

Also, she could have viewed the body in the time she was there. Just as good as saying goodbye at the funeral. With the sister contacting her, she could easily arrange this. 

Ask her if she said good bye. 

I don’t have a great marriage. So it goes without saying I would have spent the time packing my wife’s things it she pulled a stunt like this. Not to mention the cheating part.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

No I always say divorce. Then if the WS is truly remorseful and still loves the BS they will pursue them. At that time the BS can decide if they want to give it another go. 

Divorce is the only way to get at the true feelings of the WS. Their true colors will come out.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

What DC76017 is going through love blindness. He has a distinct vision of who his wife is. The problem is she is not who he thinks she is. Basically still wearing the rose colored glasses. 

DC76017 you have to put who you believe your wife is through the fire and see what comes out the other side. Your vision of her is a false one. 

How does a EA go farther then expected? So she actually chose to have one. 

Why did it ever start to begin with?


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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

You are not getting the full story. We can pretty much guess as to what the full story is.

Long story short, while she is feeling “guilty”, tell her to take a polygraph. Find out how long they have been in contact, if they ever met up, etc. She is hiding things from you.


Also did you ever find out what was left to her in the dude’s will?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

*Here is the problem with this update...*






Dc76017 said:


> Everyone is asking for a update......
> 
> She did travel to the location where the funeral was, but decided not to attend the funeral. The funeral was on Tuesday, she left her moms sun, arrived in the town around midnight, Got up Monday morning and headed back. She said she came to her senses and has apologized everyday all day since. I’m still not sure what to take from all of this, she knows she might of went to far and the marriage could be over. I’ve told her I needed some time to think, I was going to choose myself for awhile. That’s where we are today.....not sure what will happen moving forward. I know lot of you said dirvorce her, or that’s what you would do, for me 23 years togeather is a long time. Of that 23 years, 22 of them have been great. I guess it’s hard for me to walk away of 23 years. However I have never been so hurt before, never so confused in my life. So I’m not sure what will happen. I praying, thinking and watching, and hope it will come to me as what I should do. Thanks for everyone responses, It help me see it from different looks. This site does help.


Here is the problem with this update...

You see, you really don't know what, where, when, OR how long the affair has been going on. THAT is the issue. 

Further, if it never went physical, who really cares that much, and that also assume that you are correct in that assumption. I think you got that information from her if I am correct, well that is a really big help. isn't it????

The problem with your thinking is this: YOUR WIFE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR. Get it? She replaced you in her heart. 

And for the love of everything holy, do not give me that 23 years together crap, would you. You know what that means, YOU HAVE WASTED 23 YEARS WITH A WOMAN THAT DOES NOT LOVE YOU.

Yes I am yelling on the internet, because you ARE NOT LISTENING....

Whether she ever had the opportunity to have sex with him is not the issue. The fact that she would have had sex with him, and if she ever got free or traveled, she may have screwed him. 

I am not saying D or not to D. I am asking you to wake the F*** up already. 

You should have had papers waiting for her when she got back...


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Your hurt. Learning that your wife cheated on you after being with her this long is hard. You know what you need to know. Now you need to really let it sync in. This is not over with for you by a long shot. These are the facts. 

She cheated on you through out your relationship. 
She consistently hid her deception from you. 
She willingly continued it despite seeing how much pain she was causing you. 
She can and will continue to lie to you and manipulate you to get what she wants. Nothing she says now will ever have any real value. 

When you asked her to choose she did. She left. You now know the truth. Your number two. You will always be number two. The only reason she will say different now is because her number one is gone. She needs to keep the placeholder in place until she finds another man who will make her as happy as her number one did. 

You know your options. You can stay with her and live with the fact your number two. She can tell you otherwise but you know the truth. You can hope she doesn't cheat in the future and who knows. She might stay faithful while she is morning the loss of her true love. You will get to enjoy watching her go through that. 

Me personally I am a firm believer in leaving. I lived with three different cheaters in my life. What I have learned is after they cheat its not about them anymore. Its about me. I went through ten years of hell with the last one. She broke me in ways I didn't think were possible for me. I thought I would never find love again especially with all four of my children with me. I did find love again. I also found me again. I learned all my years with her were a lie. She never really loved me like I loved her. She never really even cared for my feelings. Its been twelve years since and I still have never once heard any apology. The truth is I really don't care anymore. I have learned to live my life. 

If you choose to leave you will be giving yourself a new chance at real love. A new chance at a life you want for you. There are other people out there that want what a real relationship is. While your taking your time thinking about your past with her look up sunk cost fallacy and really try to understand it. I learned this the hard way. 

Life for you. 


C


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Dc76017 said:


> Everyone is asking for a update......
> 
> She did travel to the location where the funeral was, but decided not to attend the funeral. The funeral was on Tuesday, *she left her moms sun, arrived in the town around midnight, Got up Monday morning and headed back.* She said she came to her senses and has apologized everyday all day since. I’m still not sure what to take from all of this, she knows she might of went to far and the marriage could be over. I’ve told her I needed some time to think, I was going to choose myself for awhile. That’s where we are today.....not sure what will happen moving forward. I know lot of you said dirvorce her, or that’s what you would do, for me 23 years togeather is a long time. Of that 23 years, 22 of them have been great. I guess it’s hard for me to walk away of 23 years. However I have never been so hurt before, never so confused in my life. So I’m not sure what will happen. I praying, thinking and watching, and hope it will come to me as what I should do. Thanks for everyone responses, It help me see it from different looks. This site does help.


How do you know she only drove to the town then back the next day without seeing the body or visiting the grave site or talking to the sister? Because she said so? Do not accept that she is suddenly telling you the truth. Where did she stay overnight with on Sunday? OM's sister?

She treated you good for 22 years. But her heart and faithfulness was not with you. The OM was always there. Your marriage has always had 3 people involved - only you did not know this. Do not settle for anything other than the entire truth. The only way is a polygraph. 

Tell her you feel she is still hiding things from you. Ask her to consider a polygraph so you can move forward with peace of mind.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

I think this is somewhat appropriate:

"My wife wouldn?t do that." | Dad Starting Over


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

* Dc76017
She did travel to the location where the funeral was, but decided not to attend the funeral. The funeral was on Tuesday, she left her moms sun, arrived in the town around midnight, Got up Monday morning and headed back. *

Most likely she went to a private viewing and said she didn't go to the public funeral. 

If the wife treated Dc76017 good for 22 years that counts for something.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Handy said:


> * Dc76017
> She did travel to the location where the funeral was, but decided not to attend the funeral. The funeral was on Tuesday, she left her moms sun, arrived in the town around midnight, Got up Monday morning and headed back. *
> 
> Most likely she went to a private viewing and said she didn't go to the public funeral.
> ...


Not if she has been cheating those 22 years.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

The point of the story is that his wife told him to his face that she was choosing "herself". When asked to choose between dead OM or DC she left. So she chose to show her love for dead OM instead of her husband. That says a lot and is what DC has to accept. At that precise time he was second to a dead man. At that precise time she spit in his face and showed him how she truly felt. I would believe her.

As for the 22 good years, he thought they were good, obviously she was pining for her long lost love.

DC has a lot to think over. One thing for sure, his marriage has been drastically altered by this.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Dc76017 said:


> The funeral was on Tuesday, she left her moms sun, arrived in the town around midnight, Got up Monday morning and headed back.


You should double-check the date of the funeral if you only have your wife's word to go on. Maybe it was Monday morning. She is a proven liar.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

I'm glad she came to her senses but some hard truths came out during this of where you stand in her heart. You have some serious reflection to do and decide if you want to stay with someone who told you to your face that you're not her #1.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Handy said:


> * Dc76017
> She did travel to the location where the funeral was, but decided not to attend the funeral. The funeral was on Tuesday, she left her moms sun, arrived in the town around midnight, Got up Monday morning and headed back. *
> 
> Most likely she went to a private viewing and said she didn't go to the public funeral.
> ...


You really did not just write that did you? I really don't want to be rude, I really don't. 

But you have got to BE F****** kidding me with this? 

Look, a woman that stays with you, and loves another, is like some type of cancer that you don't know you have but ends up killing you. 

Would you accept that she was an OK wife for 22 years even though she did not love you. 

If your answer is yes, well, I don't even know what to say...


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

If his wife actually attended the funeral or not is beside the point in my opinion. When he told her to choose the funeral or him - she left with the intention of going to the funeral.

She has more respect for, and a more emotional attachment to the dead OM than she did/does to her husband of 23 years. In other words, she was in love with OM. Probably seeing him as the one who got away for her entire marriage. 

That type of fantasy love rarely dies off. The fantasy has a tendency to grow over time. It does not have to survive the day to day trials of a real relationship. Every time DC made her mad or displeased her or argued with her, her fantasy love grew. DC has been competing with another man his entire marriage and is just now finding out how much his wife loved another. A hard pill to swallow.


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## Dc76017 (May 12, 2018)

Update and to answer some questions some of you been asking.

First, many of you been commenting she has been cheating the whole 23 years of marriage, I may be naïve, but I don’t believe she has been. When she was caught last year, I caught her by the way she started acting, different then she ever acted in the previous years, that’s when I decided to look on her iPad. So I believe she hasn’t cheated on me prior to last year and I believe we have had a very good marriage. I believe this old flame contacted her through messages, and it started that way. She emotionally let it go to far, not making excuses for her, but I feel that’s what happen. Our marriage was good, but after 22 years togeather I’m sure we was on cruse control. I don’t believe she ever met the guy, for couple of reasons, I never had a gut feeling she did. Plus we have iPhones with find our friends on each, plus watches and she never was somewhere I didn’t know she was at. Again this is what I feel.

Second, I don’t believe she went to see the body or meet anyone before she decided not to attend the funeral. Because of the find my friends on the iPhone and knowing what time she left her moms, I know she didn’t / couldn’t get to the town the funeral was in until close to midnight. The next day around 6am she pointed the car back home. 

I’m not making excuses for my wife or the affair she had, after a year to think on it, that’s just what I believe and makes sense to me. That’s where it ends, cause what I originally post on this site for, her wanting to go to the funeral and her choosing the funeral over me still does not make sense. I am still just as confused as why. I do believe what most of you have stated, is there is more to this story then I know. I’m not convince she broke off contact with this guy last June like she said she did. Some of you wrote she been cheating our whole marriage and I just don’t feel she was. 

Currently, I am being transferred to another city, so during the week I stay in a motel, only going home on weekends, this gives me time to think, think, think about what is going to happen next for us. Since returning she has been doing, saying everything right I guess, but I haven’t had to much to say back. I’m not sure I can or even want to get over her choosing someone over me, however she keeps saying she wish she never said that and it’s not true, I just a can’t unhear what I heard. If I had to make the decision today, not sure what I would decide, but I’m 50 years old and someone told me a long time ago never make that kind of decision while you are hurt or mad, so I giving it time, before I decide bacause 23 years does mean something to me. 

P.s. the famous will.....I don’t know she wasn’t there when supposedly the will was to be open. I told her doesn’t matter if it’s money, or some item, it wasn’t coming in my home. She hasn’t mention it again and I haven’t asked. As far as her mourning him, I haven’t seen any signs of that, but again I’m not there during the week. So that may be a good thing since I don’t care to see that if she is in fact doing it.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Been thinking of you and worried about you.

While I’m note sure your update is good or mediocre, I’m glad that you are at least ok.

I hope your wife gets her head on straight, preferably with the help of some IC.

I do like the fact that you are at a hotel during the work week, hopefully doing somewhat of an modified 180.

I would suggest that until you figure out what YOU want, don’t discuss any future plans with her.

Good luck and stay in touch


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Would she be open to a poly to answer some carefully chosen questions ? The fact that she drove off there is worrying and she must know that your trust in her has taken a massive hit at the very least and that there are doubts. If she doesn't know this, then she is either very dumb and/or unfeeling or lying - in any case tell her!

Then ask for a poly and see what she says. This will drive home the point that your trust has taken a serious hit and might get you closer to the truth (especially if she refuses to take the poly).


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

When you looked at her iPad what did you find? Did you read all of their messages? Do you know if she considered leaving you?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Do you know for a fact he never traveled to your area to see her?

Have you checked her phone bill to see if she was texting and calling him?


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## Dc76017 (May 12, 2018)

I have checked all phones since. I am pretty sure, as of her whearabouts since she was caught, but one can never know 100%


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## Dc76017 (May 12, 2018)

I found all there conversations, and yes I read them all last June. Nothing on ever hooking up or anything close to that.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

The cheating, as it pertains to your continued marriage, is not as significant as the fact that she told you to your face that you are not #1 in her heart. I think cheating could be forgiven but your wife telling you she's not sure about you and that you're not #1 in her heart? That is something I could not come back from. That's a deep cut.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

VermiciousKnid said:


> The cheating, as it pertains to your continued marriage, is not as significant as the fact that she told you to your face that you are not #1 in her heart. I think cheating could be forgiven but your wife telling you she's not sure about you and that you're not #1 in her heart? That is something I could not come back from. That's a deep cut.


I know this all to well. I overlooked these types of words for months, just hoping she was in a fog but the 'fog' never lifted. Also know now the affair never ended but I suppose even when the affair ends sometimes, the damage has been done ... in regards to who the Wayward looks at the spouse.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

VermiciousKnid said:


> The cheating, as it pertains to your continued marriage, is not as significant as the fact that she told you to your face that you are not #1 in her heart. I think cheating could be forgiven but your wife telling you she's not sure about you and that you're not #1 in her heart? That is something I could not come back from. That's a deep cut.


Also, she's choosing you now, but he's no longer an option. Is that why she's choosing you now? Her choosing his funeral over you, and make no mistake she did that even though she later changed her mind, is not a good sign.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Dc76017 said:


> Update and to answer some questions some of you been asking.
> 
> First, many of you been commenting she has been cheating the whole 23 years of marriage, I may be naïve, but I don’t believe she has been. When she was caught last year, I caught her by the way she started acting, different then she ever acted in the previous years, that’s when I decided to look on her iPad. So I believe she hasn’t cheated on me prior to last year and I believe we have had a very good marriage. I believe this old flame contacted her through messages, and it started that way. She emotionally let it go to far, not making excuses for her, but I feel that’s what happen. Our marriage was good, but after 22 years togeather I’m sure we was on cruse control. I don’t believe she ever met the guy, for couple of reasons, I never had a gut feeling she did. Plus we have iPhones with find our friends on each, plus watches and she never was somewhere I didn’t know she was at. Again this is what I feel.
> 
> ...


You know her phone didn't go to that town, you don't know she was with her phone the whole time.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I think the ops wife has been at least two steps ahead of him all this time. 
She has proven two indisputable facts however. 
1.She doesn’t consider the op to be her number one when it comes to love. 
2. She has no problem lying to his face and when called out she belittles him. 
Either of these would be enough for most men to reconsider their marriage. 

I honestly think that this isn’t over and something that has occurred to me is this. The op only has her word that this guy who died is her affair partner. How does he know who she met or picked up on her trip. 
She could be playing him still and him being out of town all week gives her a lot of leeway. The first thing he needs to do is install cameras around the exterior of his house to see who is coming and going and if they could be fitted without his wife knowing then all the better.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Dc76017 said:


> Update and to answer some questions some of you been asking.
> 
> First, many of you been commenting she has been cheating the whole 23 years of marriage, I may be naïve, but I don’t believe she has been. When she was caught last year, I caught her by the way she started acting, different then she ever acted in the previous years, that’s when I decided to look on her iPad. So I believe she hasn’t cheated on me prior to last year and I believe we have had a very good marriage. I believe this old flame contacted her through messages, and it started that way. She emotionally let it go to far, not making excuses for her, but I feel that’s what happen. Our marriage was good, but after 22 years togeather I’m sure we was on cruse control. I don’t believe she ever met the guy, for couple of reasons, I never had a gut feeling she did. Plus we have iPhones with find our friends on each, plus watches and she never was somewhere I didn’t know she was at. Again this is what I feel.
> 
> ...


She chose the funeral over you because she was in love with the OM and wanted to fulfill his last wish to her (attend the funeral).

As far as her cheating during the entire marriage goes. She always held this guy in her heart. He was her first love and she held him in a fantasy world of "what could have been". This is emotional cheating. You never had her love 100%. He was always there. When he reached out to her, suddenly all her "could have been" fantasies came to the fore front and you were relegated to a distant second place in her heart. She concentrated on him. She thought mostly of him. She loved him.

Your choice seems simple. Can you be happy knowing you are the consolation prize? The choice she made as a result of OM being removed as an option by death?

She is telling you she wishes she had never said the hurtful things to you. I'm sure she does. But I am just as sure that what she said was true and showed the real woman to you. You should believe her. Everything that comes after she returned is just her attempt to recover what she threw away so easily.

Be prepared. It is required by law for the executor of an estate to distribute the estate according to the directions of the will. She will be getting what he wanted her to have - that is the law. The question is, will she tell you about it, or will she hide it from you. It could be months before the will is probated and the actual distribution takes place. I would tell her that you want to know immediately if she is contacted by his estate. Something to look forward to.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

TDSC60 said:


> She chose the funeral over you because she was in love with the OM and wanted to fulfill his last wish to her (attend the funeral).
> 
> As far as her cheating during the entire marriage goes. She always held this guy in her heart. He was her first love and she held him in a fantasy world of "what could have been". This is emotional cheating. You never had her love 100%. He was always there. When he reached out to her, suddenly all her "could have been" fantasies came to the fore front and you were relegated to a distant second place in her heart. She concentrated on him. She thought mostly of him. She loved him.
> 
> ...


I don't know if it is good or bad to continue to bash in a nice way the OP. 

But having said that, I think this post is dead on.

Maybe she was not cheating the whole marriage, Maybe. I don't think OP's assumptions are very far out of line. And, maybe, she never really had the chance to be with this guy physically. That may also be a valid assumption. 

But here is the kicker, she did have an emotional affair, and to top it all off, I truly think that the EA never stopped. Further, She left to GO IN THE DIRECTION of the funeral. Now did she or didn't she leave her phone and go to the funeral or the reading of the will or something else. 

My point to all of this is that it does not matter, because it did not matter to her. When she left to do whatever, OP should have had Divorce papers waiting for her. 

Now a lot of men can live with being second best. A lot of men can put this type of cheating in a box and pretend to be happy.... I however will never be one of them. I just think it is disgraceful. 

Further, I will bet $100, that if OP makes her take a poly graph, he will learn that she has cheated physically in their marriage. When a woman, most of the time, is amenable to this type of EA, there are strong odds that she check out a while ago. 

I am not saying that I am positive about any of that, but I am positive that OP does not know what he does not know...


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## DjDjani (Feb 10, 2018)

Ask her to take a polygraph test. You will se when she wont do it that your wife is full of lies. Sorry man but only you cant see the truth here. Ask her to do polygraph. Then everything will be clear to you, if you want to accept the truth.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

skerzoid said:


> @Dc76017
> 
> Yes you did all this, and she has taken you for granted. You should not give everything to someone else, as you did, because it becomes the norm, and they become entitled. There should always be the understanding that your love is not unconditional. Your wife is human, not a Goddess. You gave her everything, and she got bored with it. People tend to want what they cannot have. She was denied him, and always grieved that.
> 
> ...


Dc76017:

Most of what I have called for has been done or taken care of itself and may not be relevant. However, there is one thing that I think needs to be done, something that I and others have advised. Have her write out a timeline of her EA, and tell her it will be checked against a polygraph exam. This is called "Trust But Verify." She should be willing to do this to give you closure on her affair.

Here are questions you may need to ask (you are usually limited to a small number, 4 or 5, of questions that can be answered "Yes" or "No"?).

1. Have you ever had a PA since your marriage to Dc76017?

2. Were you planning to leave Dc76017 for the OM?

3. Are you in love with Dc76017?

4. Do you want reconcile with Dc76017?

5. Do you plan on telling Dc76017 of any result of the reading of OM's will?

There may be other questions that you could include or replace these with. Other posters could suggest other questions that could replace these. I feel you need to know what you have to forgive before you forgive, otherwise you are rug sweeping and doubts will eat you alive in the future.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How long did the emotional affair you caught last May go on? When did it start? It lasted at least seven moths after that. That gets you into December or January. They just found, as cheaters usually do, some other ways to communicate. At minimum it looks like the “EA”
lasted at least a year but probably more. 

How did you catch it? How did you miss it going on after you caught them? How did you determine he is really dead. If she knows you track
her phone, it’s locating feature is of no use at all. All she needed to do was leave it at home. Did you check the phone bill to see when it was being used?

Her whole story doesn’t make sense, when if t does you will be close to the truth. Why do you think he would have that long of an affair with her, leave something in the will, but not be interested enough to come for a sneak visit?

Did he die of a long term illness?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> I think the ops wife has been at least two steps ahead of him all this time.
> She has proven two indisputable facts however.
> 1.She doesn’t consider the op to be her number one when it comes to love.
> 2. She has no problem lying to his face and when called out she belittles him.
> ...


 This, all of it.^. 
Even if it WAS the OM that is pushing up daisies, she has shown she has no issue with going down that road and will with someone else, if she hasn't already or been doing that all along. Being plan B or worse and having to play warden for the rest of your life, just to stay married is a pretty bleak future.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Dc76017 said:


> Update and to answer some questions some of you been asking.
> 
> First, many of you been commenting she has been cheating the whole 23 years of marriage, I may be naïve, but I don’t believe she has been. When she was caught last year, I caught her by the way she started acting, different then she ever acted in the previous years, that’s when I decided to look on her iPad. So I believe she hasn’t cheated on me prior to last year and I believe we have had a very good marriage. I believe this old flame contacted her through messages, and it started that way. She emotionally let it go to far, not making excuses for her, but I feel that’s what happen. Our marriage was good, but after 22 years togeather I’m sure we was on cruse control. I don’t believe she ever met the guy, for couple of reasons, I never had a gut feeling she did. Plus we have iPhones with find our friends on each, plus watches and she never was somewhere I didn’t know she was at. Again this is what I feel.
> 
> ...


I know what you are saying. 

Now understand what I am saying please. 

Why would your wife be remembered in the OM’s will if they hadn’t talked or seen each other since your wife was in her teens. Even talking for the past year can’t explain it. 

You say your wife actions and behavior changed around a year ago. Could it not of been because the OM was terminally ill. The agitation the that you observed during the past year. Then what she said and did when the OM died. 

What did the OM die of? 

Was it a long illness or something sudden?

Find these things out and it can explain your wife’s actions. Sorry but many BS have no clue they have been cheated on and never find it out. Women especially know how to keep their own counsel.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Dc76017 said:


> Update and to answer some questions some of you been asking.
> 
> First, many of you been commenting she has been cheating the whole 23 years of marriage, I may be naïve, but I don’t believe she has been. When she was caught last year, I caught her by the way she started acting, different then she ever acted in the previous years, that’s when I decided to look on her iPad. So I believe she hasn’t cheated on me prior to last year and I believe we have had a very good marriage. I believe this old flame contacted her through messages, and it started that way. She emotionally let it go to far, not making excuses for her, but I feel that’s what happen. Our marriage was good, but after 22 years togeather I’m sure we was on cruse control. I don’t believe she ever met the guy, for couple of reasons, I never had a gut feeling she did. Plus we have iPhones with find our friends on each, plus watches and she never was somewhere I didn’t know she was at. Again this is what I feel.
> 
> ...


What is there to decide, your wife had an affair and chose to go to his funeral over you. Him dead was more important then you alive and 23 years. What is there to decide. Yes you are 50 you aren't getting any younger. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who treats you the person who dedicated his whole life to her like that? 

23 years didn't mean enough for her not to go to the guys funeral. Sounds like that dude was the love of her life, you still have time to find yours. 

If not find yourself a nice girlfriend that you can have some emotional security with, you can't with this women. At least that's fair.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If I were you I would be tickled he was pushing up daisies. The thing now is to see what her reaction to losing her boyfriend and hurting you is. Cheating is the gift that keeps on giving. While you might make a good choice and stay with your wife, the knife in your back is going to leave a scar. Things may very well never be the same. If you find yourself becoming indifferent to her you should make a new start. Either you can get over it or not. Do not stay in limbo if you can’t. Sometimes the grass is greener, especially when leaving a betrayal of this magnitude.

I think it is important to find out why they never got together if it was more important to go see him dead than stay married to you. You need real answers and the only way to get them is a polygraph .


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i think your right in being away during the week to think about your marriage, but if your going to think about your future, you should have all the facts, that means as much of the truth as possible, i would recommend asking her to take a polygraph, asking the questions that has been resting on your mind. but i wonder if she would and if you ask make sure she does not have time to research how to beat it...so make the appointment and see if she will do it...you'll have your answer


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## Wooodd (Apr 9, 2018)

Dear god @Dc76017 I feel for you man.

Your situation sounds so painful, to play second fiddle to a dead man must be a huge kick in the crotch. I don't think it is something I could reconcile.

The people who have replied have offered you some great advice and it would be wise to follow through with their suggestions, particularly the poly.

I would say that you need to find out what she was left in OM's will, it could help you assess what has been going on a little more clearly. If OM has left your W a small trinket or something from when they were at school that reminded him of her that would be one thing, whereas if he has bequeathed part of his actual estate to her I would argue that there was definitely more going on than what she has led you to believe.

Good luck to you DC with whatever path you choose to take.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

I must be missing something. I guess the fact that wife was having a recent affair with the deceased is the main factor.

But generally, I would never be so insecure that I would tell my wife not to attend anyone’s funeral, even an old boyfriend. I would help her make arrangements to go, and if she wanted, I’d go with her for support.

So I don’t understand why OP is so against her going to the funeral that he would threaten divorce. Why doesn’t he trust her in this situation? Especially since she staying with her mom. If there is so little trust in this long marriage, maybe they should go separate ways. OP, if she promised the deceased (even if he was her AP) to attend his funeral, why not let her go and keep her promise to him (even though she may have broken her more important promise to be faithful to you)? I am guessing the guy knew his days were numbered, maybe a medical problem, and that may have been the reason for reconnecting with her before it was too late to deal with unfinished business.

That said, why does she want to go so bad that she would risk her marriage (although maybe she believes OP won’t actually end marriage over this incident)? Won’t the executor send her whatever the deceased left her in his will? Sounds like she suddenly realized how serious OP is about this, after getting to her mom house, then changed her plans and came back. Or did she have something she wanted to deliver to someone there in person, did so and came back. Because she knows the answers to these questions, why doesn’t OP ask, and she tell him?

My wife and I are at an age where our contemporaries are passing, unfortunately. Earlier this year, she attended the funeral of one of her male high school friends (we went to different high schools in different counties). I went with her and paid respects to the deceased, who I had met twice but did not know.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Edmund said:


> I must be missing something. I guess the fact that wife was having a recent affair with the deceased is the main factor.
> 
> But generally, I would never be so insecure that I would tell my wife not to attend anyone’s funeral, even an old boyfriend. I would help her make arrangements to go, and if she wanted, I’d go with her for support.
> 
> ...


Do you have _any_ personal experience with being cheated on at all? Reading this post I'd say no.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Edmund said:


> I must be missing something. I guess the fact that wife was having a recent affair with the deceased is the main factor.
> 
> But generally, I would never be so insecure that I would tell my wife not to attend anyone’s funeral, even an old boyfriend. I would help her make arrangements to go, and if she wanted, I’d go with her for support.
> 
> ...


It was the funeral of the guy she was having an affair with. Yep you missed something alright. 

So you would support your wife going to the funeral of the guy she was just having an affair with. You got some screws lose.


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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

Polygraph.

No one should believe a word of what she says.


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## SofaKingWeToddId (Feb 7, 2013)

@Dc76017

Is your working out of town a recent change? If not, how confident are you that OM didn't travel to see your WW?


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

Nucking Futs said:


> Do you have _any_ personal experience with being cheated on at all? Reading this post I'd say no.


I do not have any personal experience with being cheated on. So you'd be correct.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

ABHale said:


> *It was the funeral of the guy she was having an affair with. Yep you missed something alright.
> *
> But, it was physical 35 years ago, for 7 months if I remember correctly. They were just chatting on social media recently. And most importantly, the dude is DEAD. He can't hurt anyone now. OP wife seems to be looking for closure of her feelings for a teen age boyfriend. I just think maybe I may have missed an important detail in this thread, in regards to the more recent contacts between OP's wife and the deceased. I'm not going to go back and look for it.
> 
> *So you would support your wife going to the funeral of the guy she was just having an affair with. You got some screws lose.*


*
*
Well, I can't answer that hypothetical, because my wife isn't having an affair. Of course, I would not support her having an affair. I wouldn't object to my wife attending the funeral of her high school boyfriend. She currently emails him and his wife frequently about their old high school days. I have met both of them. Also, I am facebook friends with my high school girlfriend (we were together 4 years back in the 1960s). We message back and forth on FB every two or three months. These are not affairs of any type, just old friends in our 60s now.

And I don't have any "screws loose" (not lose). If you think that, then you just might be an insulting jackass. I just have a different opinion. I think a lot of folks on this forum trigger pretty easily over these various requests for advice, and have out of proportion responses. It is still a valuable service though.

Hope for a peaceful and reflective Memorial Day.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Edmund said:


> I do not have any personal experience with being cheated on. So you'd be correct.


I guess that explains the lack of empathy.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Dc76017 said:


> Last May wife of 20 years was caught with a online affair, where he was across the country. Supposedly they dated for 7 months 35 years go, when he was 21 and she was 15. Mom ran him off because of age, but they kept in contact for another couple of years. *after talking she agreed to end things. End of June found out she kept talking to him for another several weeks, approached her, and she said she was putting closer on and it was now finished. For the next several 7 months, she kept doing things that she never done during our marriage. Caught in couple lies, acting strange, and not really talking much.* She always said she loved me and only wanted me, but still had a gut feeling something still wasn’t right. Fast forward to yesterday, she said she received a phone call from this guys sister and he had pass away, His funeral is couple states away. The sister said before he died he mention that he wanted her at the funeral, and she was even in the will. My wife wants to go, said she thought she closed things out but she thinks if she goes and closes things out it will help us. *I’m against her going and stated it, however she refuses to choose me over this dead guy and is willing to give up the marriage to go. * Said she still loves and wants to stay married to me, but wants to go regardless. My question am I missing something, cause I’m confuse.


The bolded says all you need to know. She lied about ending it and chose him over the marriage even knowing this was what she was doing. She claimed closure as the reason she continued the affair after telling you she stopped. Then she claimed closure again as the reason to go to the funeral over your objections. This says to me that she does not want to give up the security of being your wife, but she was in love with another man. 

No doubt there is a lot more to the story concerning her recent affair with this guy that she will not tell you and her behavior after the EA was supposedly over shows you that. This is a terrible situation she has put you in. Now you have to make a decision based on less than the truth. This will be hard. 

Above all, maintain your self respect.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Just checking in on you.

How are you doing?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I just had a thought.

The funeral homes in my little town maintains a web page for each recently deceased. They put up the obituary. There is a section where anyone can post memories, thoughts, or just condolences to the family. All posts are public so anyone can see who posted what. 

You know the guys name and the location of the funeral. It might be worth a look to see if that particular funeral home does something similar and if your wayward wife put anything on the OM's page. Could help sort things out in your mind.

The funeral home in my town maintains the web page for 12 months after the death.


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