# Coping with "I've met someone"



## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

This hasn't happened to me yet, but I'm wondering how people here have coped with an Ex meeting someone new. I would imagine at some point you get to a place where it doesn't matter, and I know I'll get there. I am sufficiently at a point where I care less and less what she does, but this subject still hangs on to my thought process.
I would think I would be happy for her, but right now I just don't know how I would react. I know it is still early, but some move on faster than others.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Let me put it this way, when I was in my teens and my first real GF dumped me, I did the usual begging and pleading and negotiating to try to get her back. 

I basically humiliated myself to the point I was ashamed of myself. 

After that, whenever someone has dumped me or ghosted me or whatever, I went on about my own business to where I was no longer in contact with them so there was no conversation or venue where someone would have the opportunity or even the wherewithal to tell me that they've met someone. 

If you are still having the level of interaction to where someone would even be telling you they met someone, then you have not moved on suffiently yourself.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Let them go. They are gone anyway.


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## Enigmatic (Jul 16, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> If you are still having the level of interaction to where someone would even be telling you they met someone, then you have not moved on suffiently yourself.


Not necessarily true. If you have children in common, there will be many causes for interaction over the years - drop-off/pickup, birthdays, graduations, recitals, sports games, weddings. etc., etc. One parent or the other may show up with a new gf/bf/spouse. Or the kids may mention that mom or dad has a new partner.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Mine "met" somebody when we were still married. Makes it easy not to care now


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

HarryBosch said:


> This hasn't happened to me yet, but I'm wondering how people here have coped with an Ex meeting someone new. I would imagine at some point you get to a place where it doesn't matter, and I know I'll get there. I am sufficiently at a point where I care less and less what she does, but this subject still hangs on to my thought process.
> I would think I would be happy for her, but right now I just don't know how I would react. I know it is still early, but some move on faster than others.


Do you have kids with her?

You don't have to be happy for her and you don't have to have it anymore action with her unless you have kids with her.

Either way to go is to get to where you don't care what she thinks about you or what you think about her. That is just part of accepting the reality and it's not easy to get there but if you work for trying to get there and don't just intentionally stay mired in it your life might start changing in ways that would take the emphasis off of it and put your focus elsewhere.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Enigmatic said:


> Not necessarily true. If you have children in common, there will be many causes for interaction over the years - drop-off/pickup, birthdays, graduations, recitals, sports games, weddings. etc., etc. One parent or the other may show up with a new gf/bf/spouse. Or the kids may mention that mom or dad has a new partner.


True. 

But it's also part of the splitting up process. 

If you are not abusive or a falling down drunk, if you are being dumped, you have to presume that day will come. (Which is what the OP is doing) People typically don't end one relationship so they can live out the rest of their days alone, although a few have. 

But my point is, the more you have moved on and the more you are living your own life to the fullest, the least likely you are to have that convo and definitely the less you will care.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Aside from a few of my exes being truly good women, I don't really care. I do want the best for the aforementioned ladies but I moved on without a backward glance.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Do you have kids with her?


Yes.. and it is inevitable one day I'll be hearing those words. We both have a mutual reason to know when someone new is introduced into our lives. She would most certainly want to know if someone new is around her kids and I unfortunately would want to know too.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> But my point is, the more you have moved on and the more you are living your own life to the fullest, the least likely you are to have that convo and definitely the less you will care.


Believe me, I'm working on it. My hope is enough time passes that it won't matter. I'm just not there yet. I woke up to a scenario where she met someone and it was unsettling. I'm pressing on, but if it happens sooner than later, I'm trying to reinforce my brace


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You will not have approval authority over who is around your kids. What you will have to do is know she was someone you could trust not to endanger them. I presume that is right or you wouldn't ever have had kids with her, right? You could try to reach an agreement now before it happens (that you know of) that you both have to be with someone, for example, six months before introducing the kids. She might agree to that if you do it now before the situation is imminent.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

HarryBosch said:


> Believe me, I'm working on it. My hope is enough time passes that it won't matter. I'm just not there yet. I woke up to a scenario where she met someone and it was unsettling. I'm pressing on, but if it happens sooner than later, I'm trying to reinforce my brace


It's the tough thing to do, but you will eventually get there.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Mine met someone during the marriage and had a different dude move in just two weeks after I left the house. My kids are already used to the revolving door at moms. You’ll get used to it. Life moves on for both of you.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You will not have approval authority over who is around your kids. What you will have to do is know she was someone you could trust not to endanger them. I presume that is right or you wouldn't ever have had kids with her, right? You could try to reach an agreement now before it happens (that you know of) that you both have to be with someone, for example, six months before introducing the kids. She might agree to that if you do it now before the situation is imminent.


We did agree that there would have to be quite a bit of time before any introductions would occur... but I'm realistic, things change, she might say "to hell with me". I've read some crazy stories here where an Ex suddenly meets "The one" and goes off the rails.

I do trust her judgement.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I was happy for my ex when she met someone. I'd already met someone. Anyway, she wasn't a bad person, really, just bad for me.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Think of it as the new guy getting your trash.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

Married but Happy said:


> I was happy for my ex when she met someone. I'd already met someone. Anyway, she wasn't a bad person, really, just bad for me.


 I think if it happens after an appropriate amount of time I too would be happy for her. I do really want the best for her.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> Think of it as the new guy getting your trash.


Well I WAS the bad guy in this... but in a weird way, whatever gets me over the hump, right?


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

HarryBosch said:


> Well I WAS the bad guy in this... but in a weird way, whatever gets me over the hump, right?


Ahh…missed that. I guess it could still help.

The best way to get over someone is to find someone better. Just don’t cheat again.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

SCDad01 said:


> The best way to get over someone is to find someone better.


I think the best way to get over someone is to better yourself


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> Just don’t cheat again


It wasn't an affair, but I get the gist of what you're saying.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

Numb26 said:


> I think the best way to get over someone is to better yourself


That is the road I am on right now. Thanks.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

HarryBosch said:


> That is the road I am on right now. Thanks.


In my case, what helped me the most was putting myself first. Getting healthy, hobbies and friends.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Numb26 said:


> I think the best way to get over someone is to better yourself


Good advice…if you need bettering. And based on the affair, OP needs to work on that.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

SCDad01 said:


> Good advice…if you need bettering. And based on the affair, OP needs to work on that.


Everybody can better themselves.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

SCDad01 said:


> Good advice…if you need bettering. And based on the affair, OP needs to work on that.


OP didn't have an affair he had a porn problem.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Numb26 said:


> Everybody can better themselves.


HItting it out of the park today.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

So what is your story Harry? You have limited who can look at your previous threads. Why are you the bad guy here?


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

I do appreciate the responses. However, I can't help but see where with divorce, it is either /or. You either cheated or were cheated on. My situation was neither. I was divorced by my Ex for lying to her and having some bad behaviors. I didn't have a PA or an EA, I made some bad decisions. I take responsibility for it, and I deserve what I get.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

manfromlamancha said:


> So what is your story Harry? You have limited who can look at your previous threads. Why are you the bad guy here?


Hmmm.. now that I didn't know. I'll have to figure out how to change that.

Basically I lied about who I was. If you have ever read "No more Mr. Nice Guy"... that would be me. Much of what my wife believed about me was true. I loved her, loved the kids.I lied about my past.. I embellished my past because I wasn't comfortable with who I was and it caught up with me. I spilled my guts and I was toast. It is much more complicated than that, so I will try and remedy that limit.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Meh


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

HarryBosch said:


> This hasn't happened to me yet, but I'm wondering how people here have coped with an Ex meeting someone new. I would imagine at some point you get to a place where it doesn't matter, and I know I'll get there. I am sufficiently at a point where I care less and less what she does, but this subject still hangs on to my thought process.
> I would think I would be happy for her, but right now I just don't know how I would react. I know it is still early, but some move on faster than others.


I'm just not going to deal with it. I don't speak to her at all. Only communicate through email and text and it is only about the kids. I'll never who or if she is dating and I don't want to know. Keep communication to a minimum and you won't have to know this information.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

LATERILUS79 said:


> I'm just not going to deal with it. I don't speak to her at all. Only communicate through email and text and it is only about the kids. I'll never who or if she is dating and I don't want to know. Keep communication to a minimum and you won't have to know this information.


It's highly likely the children will mention a new person around.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> It's highly likely the children will mention a new person around.


This. 

@LATERILUS79 this scenario (for you) has crossed my mind a few times. Prepare yourself for it, because when it happens, I suspect it will hit you hard. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

HarryBosch said:


> We did agree that there would have to be quite a bit of time before any introductions would occur... but I'm realistic, things change, she might say "to hell with me". I've read some crazy stories here where an Ex suddenly meets "The one" and goes off the rails.
> 
> I do trust her judgement.


she has good judgement TODAY...but i have seen it over and over again when they fall hook line and sinker their judgement don't alway work. Just be aware of that. Just remind your kids you are their only dad....


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

farsidejunky said:


> This.
> 
> @LATERILUS79 this scenario (for you) has crossed my mind a few times. Prepare yourself for it, because when it happens, I suspect it will hit you hard.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


I’m Well aware it will happen one day. Could be soon for all I know. When it does, I will tell my kids that I am not interested in who their mother is seeing. I will let them know that as long as he is treating them well, that is all I need to know. If he is treating them poorly, I will get involved. Other than that, it will be kept very simple with as little information as possible.
I highly doubt my exwife would bring anyone new around our kids any time soon. She is very protective of the kids (or at least, she makes me think that she is. Clearly, I do not know my exwife very well and I could be wrong).
If my children insist on telling me about whatever man their mother is dating, I will simply change the subject to something else to distract them from any new man.

I don’t need to know a thing about her life any more. Not. One. Thing. She is just some entity that the law requires me to share my children with. That’s it. Nothing more.

so far, things are going according to plan. I even got through back to school night without seeing her once. It was perfect. We just texted back and forth where we would be in the school. We sent the kids back and forth only once from one room of the school to another to spend time with them alone for a few minutes. We met the kids’ teachers with our kids by ourselves without the other parent present. Just like I wanted.

trust me when I say this - I can keep this up INDEFINITELY.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

HarryBosch said:


> This hasn't happened to me yet, but I'm wondering how people here have coped with an Ex meeting someone new. ......
> 
> .....I would think I would be happy for her, but right now I just don't know how I would react. I know it is still early, but some move on faster than others.


I think it depends on how much you loved her and if you were ready for the relationship to end or not.

In my youth, like Oldshirt, there were a couple of girls who broke my heart. Mostly, I think it was both me and they being so inexperienced that we neither knew what we were doing or how to treat people of the opposite sex.

Later, before I got married it was mostly we just didn't click so we both moved on.

If I was married to her and we both wanted to move on.........I WOULD CELEBRATE... no alimony!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

HarryBosch said:


> I was divorced by my Ex for lying to her and having some bad behaviors. I didn't have a PA or an EA, I made some bad decisions. I take responsibility for it, and I deserve what I get.


We all make bad decisions. We all sometimes behave in a way we regret afterwards. And sometimes we keep doing it to get an answer and then we are surprised when our spouse has detached. We are all different and we have different thresholds. It is what it is. It's in the past and there's nothing you can do about it to fix it. You will be ok.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

As far as we know neither of our exes have either remarried or are living with anyone. Quite surprising really being that its been 18 years since Mr D's marriage ended and 24 years since mine did. Not saying that my ex hasn't dated, apparently he had some sort of friends with benefits situation many years ago when he was still working. I have no idea but we don't think Mr D's ex has dated since she broke up with her AP just after we married. At least his boys haven't said anything about it but they are both living away from home. 

Neither of us have any problems with them having met anyone else.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Focus on building your life and being the person you want to be.
Don't waste the energy monitoring her path.
Let her be her, and all you need to focus on is being you.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Divorced 6 years and learned about a year ago that my ex, married 24 years, has a lady friend. Saw pictures of them together. I was finally able to completely let go. I no longer carried the guilt of leaving him and hurting him by initiating the divorce. I wish him great happiness as we were not happy together. I think our relationship served a purpose and that purpose was met and gone so I moved on. I do feel sorry for the lady he is with as I know he was very good about gift giving and she will probably see this his way of showing her that she is special which is the case but he has lots of trouble in other areas and eventually she will see this. Perhaps she will understand him better than I did.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

The only point at which it is important in my opinion is if you share children with your ex, in which case your new partner will have an influence on your kids. I would wait til it is serious before you introduce your kids, and let the ex know before your kids spend time with the partner.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

HarryBosch said:


> This hasn't happened to me yet, but I'm wondering how people here have coped with an Ex meeting someone new. I would imagine at some point you get to a place where it doesn't matter, and I know I'll get there. I am sufficiently at a point where I care less and less what she does, but this subject still hangs on to my thought process.
> I would think I would be happy for her, but right now I just don't know how I would react. I know it is still early, but some move on faster than others.


I'd be happy and encourage marriage. Ending alimony.


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## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

When they are an 'ex' I don't care. I think it's a predominantly women thing. They are your ex, it's over.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I'm supposing my response would be so what?


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