# Enough is enough, when is that?



## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

Hi all,
It's been a while but I thought a fresh post was in order and also might give me chance to write down what we are going through.

In short....

Xmas 2011 discovered wife having an affair.
February 2012 got proof and called the affair out.
Tried to talk about staying together, wife was clearly very involved with OM and ultimately left with out daughter and tried to set up home with OM.
Affair ended, she moved to her mother's and then on to a flat where she works in the June of 2012.

Since that time we have been working on R but I am finding it very difficult and she even more so.
We spend most nights in each other's company but only in the same house of a weekend.

We hug, kiss and spend much time doing family things but intimacy is a struggle and there is currently no sexual intimacy at all.

I'm comfortable in the marital home and I cope with the living apart okay. I struggle to find her attractive but I don't know if this is a trust thing or just a basic physical attraction that is missing?

She is not comfortable, she struggles every time either one of us goes 'home' at the end of an evening. She struggles that there is no intimacy and, as was the case before all this, she struggles with life in general and gets very down. I find myself supporting her much of the time, it has been this way for many years.


I just don't know how much longer to keep trying, it isn't fair on her to keep dragging this on but for our marriage and our daughter I feel compelled to keep trying. 

Honest thoughts?
J


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Is this the same home you were in during the affair? maybe a move and get a fresh start without all the reminders/triggers of the old place??

Sounds like you havent really forgiven her yet, understandable, its a lot of forgive. Trust is also another HUGE barrier to break down. I'm assuming without knowing much of the back story that you've seen a counselor to help?? Maybe you just haven't found the right counselor yet??

Hope you get your issues resolved, one way or the other. Its important not to keep the mindset of TIME as well. Don't try to force the issue being resolved by say Christmas for example, just let it play out. It takes what it takes.


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

Hi Thumper,
Thanks for the reply....

Yes I am still living in the marital home, the plan was that I would buy her out as I can just about afford to do that, vice versa I'd walk away with nothing.

I've seen a counselor and to be honest I didn't get a lot out of it. I've not tried another since as i was put off a bit by the disappointment first try and IC.

I've been very reluctant all along to put deadlines on things and I've not done that but she has and every time it has happened the deadline has come and gone. She is the one struggling to be honest, not me. I'm actually ok on the whole and I bear her no ill at all, I really do believe life is too short for bearing grudges.

It really comes down to the trust and the physical part, at the moment it is a massive barrier that it seems impossible to break down. :scratchhead:

Cheers
J


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## Morgiana (Oct 18, 2011)

When I read what you wrote, I caught two different things you seem to be trying to answer. First one is you are on the fence about trying to make the marriage work. I found the book " Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum a good refernce for figuring out if I wanted to stay in my relationship. Its non-religious and takes a look at different key indicators of wether a relationship is worth salvaging or not. 

The second thing I noticed is you notice the limbo you are in and want to get out of it. If you are spending every evening with your wife and daughter, you may not be getting the mental space you need to figure out what it is you want. I suggest taking a small break, 2-3 days, heck if you can just take a weekend vacation somewhere, and see if taking a step out of your life gives you an opportunity to really focus on the issue so you can find your decision. 

Regards, 
-M


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

Thanks Morgiana, makes sense and it is something I had considered. 
I do go away sometimes for a day, usually only one night but it is competing in competition and offers little in the way of time to reflect. As things are currently I have no time to miss her at all as we do spend a lot of time together.

The thing that worries me is that she suffers greatly when I am not there or if i don't come round one night for whatever reason. Whereas I am fine with my own company for a night and quite like the space and time to be on my own.

Who knows?
Cheers
J


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

inamessIconfess said:


> The thing that worries me is that she suffers greatly when I am not there or if i don't come round one night for whatever reason.
> J



Was she worried when she was with the OM? I think you are taking per problems and trying to fix them from what I read here. You need to take care of yourself and support her, but let her take care of herself. 

Did she ever have true remorse after having her affair? If not, it won't ever work. She needs to find you attractive again and that comes from respect.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Affairs occur 'cos the cheating partner feels justified in going outside the boundary...that to an extent they felt claustrophobic because of marital unhappiness and its causes(past issues creeping in, unmet needs, shallowness or entitlement). My wife for example didn't marry for love and commitment, she married for love and survival...survival being the chiefest...and when I couldn't provide the security to suppress her internal maelstrom, she started having affairs, no matter how much she loved me. But eventually she started to not feel love for me because the euphoric surge from the affairs were so much more potent...and they often confuse that intense, feel-good rush as love...hence "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you." Intimacy died because she fried her feelings of attachment. This is what happens when someone decides to cheat...and why often when they return...they seem to be in mourning...cos nothing feels good compared to the excitement and high of a risky affair...and they feel hopeless that they will be unhappy forever and the really get depressed with they see nothing has changed at home.
Dude, you need to let her deal with her own emotions and not clean this up after her. She has to pull up her big girl pants and accept the consequences of her actions. I know you want everything to go back the way it was before...but how did it work for you the first time 'round?


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

All interesting stuff...

First time round wasn't good, we existed together but led separate lives to a large extent (Together 14 years, married 11), especially when our daughter came along. 
For the most part this was just something I accepted because try as I might, changing it seemed impossible.... Nothing was good enough, I was often to blame and my wife didn't really love herself either. She took little pride in her appearance, put on a lot of weight and was often very depressed. I tried to support her rightly or wrongly but ultimately it wasn't enough and I probably gave up trying.

So now we have come to yet another ultimatum. Tonight I'm supposed to go round and give her my final decision, either she is moving back home or we are through for good. As I write this I still have no idea what to do....

On Sunday night we had a similar discussion, I agreed to visit the bank and borrow the necessary money, she went mad then back peddled and agreed to give me a little more time.

She pushes but then doesn't want it to be over. i understand she just wants to know what direction she/we are going in, i seem incapable of committing though.

it is a mess!

Cheers
J


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