# [email protected]^% Love



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Any of you ladies in a relationship because you know leaving your spouse would hurt them to much? 

I love my husband more then anything, more then myself apparently cause I can't find it in me to leave him. I outgrew the relationship a long time ago but I know what it would do to him to leave so I stay and accept that I won't be happy here cause it makes him happy to be with me. 

It's like love screwed me over when it was supposed to be apart of my happiness (if that makes sense). What has this world come to???


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

My happiness is just as important to me as anyone else's. If I was truly miserable in a relationship, and the issue/s couldn't be resolved, I would leave. Martyrdom is not one of my qualities


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

I can feel your struggle with that, except for not with my current relationship. With an ex boyfriend that I was with for many years and we were very serious, this was the scenario. I did have love for him, but it changed into more caring about him as a person rather than true love. But he loved me soooooo much and that is literally what kept me staying with him for so long despite the fact that I didn't want to be with him anymore. I thought "I make him so happy and he loves me so much, maybe that will be enough." I was worried he'd be lost without me. I felt it was my duty to love him back. I remember looking for ways to leave him, hoping he'd mess up in some way so I could dump him with a clear conscience. I always would think about what it would be like to be with other people. I held on for WAY too long. What made me leave was that he started doing some things that I didn't agree with, he promised he'd stop and of course didn't, so I told him it was over. There were suicide threats and I had to call and make sure there were people with him that loved him during those times. I remember for like nearly a year after we broke up (and I had moved on to a new relationship) that I worried about him and his happiness, and literally would hope and pray that he would find someone. He was able to move on, and he lived a very different life than he had before, one that he never would have sought out if I hadn't have left him. His life got amazing while he chose to have it that way, and I was finally able to stop worrying about him.

Long story short, it's not worth it to continue feeling trapped. You say you love your husband more than anything yet want to leave him, can you explain why that is? Has the relationship changed, is there some need he isn't meeting of yours? Have you tried to remedy it with him? When did you start feeling this way? I would say that since you do still love this man and are married to him, that you should try both communicating with him your disatisfactions (I would love it if you did ____ more. I wish we did ____ more) and then also marriage counseling. If neither of these things work after you've been trying them for a while, then you will know that you tried EVERYTHING to save your marriage and love, and can part with peace.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> My happiness is just as important to me as anyone else's. If I was truly miserable in a relationship, and the issue/s couldn't be resolved, I would leave. Martyrdom is not one of my qualities


Honestly and truly that must be lovely but for me personally that's just not how I was raised. I wish I could be more like you!


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

I second try marriage counseling. It really would be unfair to leave him if he has not been given the chance to know what you really need. Who knows maybe he wants to change but hasn't cause he wants to stay in sync with you.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Love Song said:


> Honestly and truly that must be lovely but for me personally that's just not how I was raised. I wish I could be more like you!


Many of us weren't raised that way, LS. I know I wasn't, either. However, the older I get the more I realize that life isn't a dress rehearsal and, unless there really is such a thing as reincarnation, we only get one of them.

Would MC help, do you think?


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

Love Song said:


> It's like *I *screwed me over when *I* was supposed to be *"finding" *my happiness (if that makes sense). What *"have I" *come to???




I took liberties with what you wrote - but I think that you really need to claim this.

I stayed married for years because I did not want to disappoint my family and my inlaws (who by the way I did not really care for...the inlaws, that is...)

Finally it just fell apart on its own, and now I am in a good relationship.

But I had to own my involvement in staying in that marriage. Owning that gave me the wherewithal to not stay in the three relationships I had after I got divorced. It gave me the tools to see that I was the one responsible for my happiness, and NO I never felt good about the subsequent break ups... why should I?, they are traumatic... but I did it to find MY happiness, and now I have...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You are actually doing him a disservice.

Because you don't really love him the way you should. So he is getting leftovers in your heart while you don't want to be married.

I can't think of anything worse.

If you feel you can't love him anymore/do not want to be with him, release him so you can both be free to find someone who is genuine in their love and care for their partner.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> You are actually doing him a disservice.
> 
> Because you don't really love him the way you should. So he is getting leftovers in your heart while you don't want to be married.
> 
> ...


I absolutely agree with this. To OP, I don't know his circumstances or why you feel you are doing him a favor by staying but you leaving very well could be the best thing that happened for both of you. People find a way to make it.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Does he know I'm unhappy? Yes. I've told him I'm leaving before and he got down on his knees crying begging me to stay and I couldn't stand to see the hurt I was causing him so I did. He can't live without me he says. And considering he's been calling me "life" and "his life" for most of our relationship I get it. 

Our relationship is in a sense a repeat of my childhood. I left my family @ 15 years old because I was unhappy and it was 1 of the hardest things I ever did. I literally asked each and every one of them for months if they were ok with it until they said yes (because they were tired of me asking) before I left. 

He also know's what he does and doesn't do that makes me happy/unhappy with him. This is nothing new. At one point we considered marriage counseling. He even started looking into it to find us a MC that would mesh well with us but then found an article saying that 50% of people who go to MC get a divorce and said no. He has refused to go since.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Adeline said:


> I can feel your struggle with that, except for not with my current relationship. With an ex boyfriend that I was with for many years and we were very serious, this was the scenario. I did have love for him, but it changed into more caring about him as a person rather than true love. But he loved me soooooo much and that is literally what kept me staying with him for so long despite the fact that I didn't want to be with him anymore. I thought "I make him so happy and he loves me so much, maybe that will be enough." I was worried he'd be lost without me. I felt it was my duty to love him back. I remember looking for ways to leave him, hoping he'd mess up in some way so I could dump him with a clear conscience. I always would think about what it would be like to be with other people. I held on for WAY too long. What made me leave was that he started doing some things that I didn't agree with, he promised he'd stop and of course didn't, so I told him it was over. There were suicide threats and I had to call and make sure there were people with him that loved him during those times. I remember for like nearly a year after we broke up (and I had moved on to a new relationship) that I worried about him and his happiness, and literally would hope and pray that he would find someone. He was able to move on, and he lived a very different life than he had before, one that he never would have sought out if I hadn't have left him. His life got amazing while he chose to have it that way, and I was finally able to stop worrying about him.
> 
> Long story short, it's not worth it to continue feeling trapped. You say you love your husband more than anything yet want to leave him, can you explain why that is? Has the relationship changed, is there some need he isn't meeting of yours? Have you tried to remedy it with him? When did you start feeling this way? I would say that since you do still love this man and are married to him, that you should try both communicating with him your disatisfactions (I would love it if you did ____ more. I wish we did ____ more) and then also marriage counseling. If neither of these things work after you've been trying them for a while, then you will know that you tried EVERYTHING to save your marriage and love, and can part with peace.


This sounds so much like my story! The suicide threats are what worry me most with him. He only says he's going to kill himself if I say I'm leaving so I just don't say it anymore. I want him to be happy but I don't think he would let himself be happy without me. 

And I know your saying it's not worth it but his pain is my pain even if i'm the one causing it.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

If I remember correctly, you were going to just pick up and move to another state a while ago, weren't you? You said there was nothing wrong with your husband, you just wanted something different. 

So I guess you didn't end up going anywhere? 

You can't say you love him so much and but want out. 

You either want to be with him or you don't. 

You sound like a runner...I get it. So am I, except I had to force myself to stop to some degree because I have kids now.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Paul Thorn, Burn Down the Trailer Park


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I so confused by this post. You love him but want to leave him. I read your previous post too and I really didn't see anything where he's a terrible guy. No abuse right? I'm sorry I'm just not getting it.

I was going to say the same thing as Lisa. That you're a runner. You ran from your family and now you want to run from your husband. Maybe you should try counseling to figure out why.

ETA: I guess what's confusing is that you're not very specific. What does "outgrew the relationship" mean?


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