# Not felling it



## flat broke (Sep 19, 2008)

It has been almost 6 months since my wife admitted to having an affair. I'm still not sure what accually happened but she did admitt that something did. Any way since we talked and agreed to try and make it work and get out side help to make our marriage work... At first it felt right even though I was hurting,but now it feels wrong... I can't stop thinking about it and how it is unfair... I feel like she is getting cake and eating it too... In my heart I would like it to work, But for some reason I can't get passed it... I don't look at her the same way I use to, and to honest I don't feel the same way about her as I did... Is this something that passes or are we kidding our selves. Even though she did the damage I still don't want to hurt her by leaving and more importantly I don't want to hurt my son by leaving, but at the same time I don't want to beunfair to my self by staying some were that I am not sure I want to be... How can I figure this out? It is a bad situation and I don't want to let anyone of us down or do something I might regret later... So please if thier is anyone reading this with a thought or comment on my situation please drop a note Thanks


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

In the beginning it's hard to even think straight--your world is flipped upside-down and you just want it to be 'normal' again. I do understand how you are feeling. Now that the dust has settled and you are able to reflect it's easy to understand how you are feeling 'wtf?' 

One thing you did learn is that your wife is human and capable of making a big mistake. If you leave, you will find that everyone else is human too, so I wouldn't make any major decisions based on that alone. The key for me is what has happened since then...did she show true remorse? were you able to see things within your marriage that were lacking? are you both working to make your marriage stronger? is she doing everything she can to regain your trust? If these things are happening, chances are she is feeling horrible about the affair as well, so even though it seems she benefits from it (step out of the marriage and you win a new and improved marriage...yep it sounds unfair) internally she may be beating herself up.

It can pass if you can begin to look at where your marriage is today. If you just said let's make it work but neither of you have really put in any effort to improve things, this will continue to weigh on you.


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## MBJOE (Nov 2, 2008)

flat broke said:


> It has been almost 6 months since my wife admitted to having an affair. I'm still not sure what accually happened but she did admitt that something did. Any way since we talked and agreed to try and make it work and get out side help to make our marriage work... At first it felt right even though I was hurting,but now it feels wrong... I can't stop thinking about it and how it is unfair... I feel like she is getting cake and eating it too... In my heart I would like it to work, But for some reason I can't get passed it... I don't look at her the same way I use to, and to honest I don't feel the same way about her as I did... Is this something that passes or are we kidding our selves. Even though she did the damage I still don't want to hurt her by leaving and more importantly I don't want to hurt my son by leaving, but at the same time I don't want to beunfair to my self by staying some were that I am not sure I want to be... How can I figure this out? It is a bad situation and I don't want to let anyone of us down or do something I might regret later... So please if thier is anyone reading this with a thought or comment on my situation please drop a note Thanks


I do feel your pain!! My wife had an affair in 2007 and with a lot of work we were able to survive until may of this year , she did it again!! With all the pain before and now .. once a cheater always a cheater !! Ya we are a human , but to act so shallow .. I personally am done. I new my wife for 23 years married for 16 and have a 15 year old son. She was a house wife and maybe too much time on her hands caused this , don't know. But to answer your question you will never forget nor look at her in the same form! I am in your shoes and feel your pain. I filed for a divorce right away after the second time and since moved out!! I do feel better someday being in new surrounding , but my wife is trashing me to my son. Because he found notes in the house from her boy friend!! and now she is definitely taking a defensive stand.. Being the golden lamb here , meaning I am the only source of income , I am paying just shy of 4,000 a month for alimony and child support and living like a kid in college. Just focus on the future for you and your child right now. That really all you can control. Let her fall and if you want !!! then pick her up!! Good luck .. My prays go with you and your family..


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

swedish said:


> In the beginning it's hard to even think straight--your world is flipped upside-down and you just want it to be 'normal' again. I do understand how you are feeling. Now that the dust has settled and you are able to reflect it's easy to understand how you are feeling 'wtf?'
> 
> One thing you did learn is that your wife is human and capable of making a big mistake. If you leave, you will find that everyone else is human too, so I wouldn't make any major decisions based on that alone. The key for me is what has happened since then...did she show true remorse? were you able to see things within your marriage that were lacking? are you both working to make your marriage stronger? is she doing everything she can to regain your trust? If these things are happening, chances are she is feeling horrible about the affair as well, so even though it seems she benefits from it (step out of the marriage and you win a new and improved marriage...yep it sounds unfair) internally she may be beating herself up.
> 
> It can pass if you can begin to look at where your marriage is today. If you just said let's make it work but neither of you have really put in any effort to improve things, this will continue to weigh on you.


:iagree:

draconis


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## blindsided (Nov 29, 2008)

I'm kind of new here, and still licking my own wounds, but the part of your post that "jumps out at me" is the phrase:

"I'm still not sure what accually happened but she did admitt that something did"

(sorry, haven't figured out all the bells and whistles here yet to insert). 

My husband and I talk everyday since he confessed his affair. I ask ANYTHING I WANT, and he tells me.......no secrets. When, where, how many times, who knows about this, etc. 

I didn't find this website until a few weeks after his admission, (2 months ago for me) but my husband and I seemed to luckily find the right path on our own by opening up and talking. Everything I read here seems to point to the fact over and over again that you must put everything on the table (even the hurtful things) so there are no surprises left....then the healing can begin to start.

I definitely feel better today than I did two months ago....I won't deny the pain is still there, but I have forgiven him and actually our relationship now shows promise to be better than ever (and it was a good one before).

I wonder if you missed an important part of the process here.....you have to "know it all, hear it all, digest it all", and maybe then you can move on. Of course, your spouse must be willing to cooperate.

Perhaps one of the moderators out there could comment, having more experience than me.


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