# Need guys input on this...whats my husbands issue?



## PHH (Aug 5, 2013)

I just want to know what my husbands problem is, or what you men may think it is. We have been married for a year. I am 40 and he is 38. His jealously has gotten WAY out of control lately. When I go to the gym he wants me covered from head to toe. He said he will cancel my membership if I wear anything sexy to the gym. I told him NO guy is gonna hit on me, there are younger, more attractive women there. I cannot even go for walks alone anymore. He is driving me insane. I told him I will wear what I want and he said I better not or else. From a mans point of view...WTH??? We are to old for this crap! 
I will put a few photos in my profile.


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## PHH (Aug 5, 2013)

Never mind- don't know how to upload more pictures. doesn't matter anyways


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

PHH said:


> I just want to know what my husbands problem is, or what you men may think it is. We have been married for a year. I am 40 and he is 38. His jealously has gotten WAY out of control lately. When I go to the gym he wants me covered from head to toe. He said he will cancel my membership if I wear anything sexy to the gym. *I told him NO guy is gonna hit on me, there are younger, more attractive women there.* I cannot even go for walks alone anymore. He is driving me insane. I told him I will wear what I want and he said I better not or else. From a mans point of view...WTH??? We are to old for this crap!
> I will put a few photos in my profile.


Let me address this...I call BS, and I think you know it. If you truly believe that, and I don't think you do, then you are very naieve.


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## PHH (Aug 5, 2013)

You call BS? Are you trying to tell me that's not true? I am far from naïve. The odds of a man hitting on a younger more attractive woman are greater than and older woman. And I am cool with that. I am there to workout. Just trying to get that through my husbands head is another story.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

PHH said:


> I just want to know what my husbands problem is, or what you men may think it is. We have been married for a year. I am 40 and he is 38. His jealously has gotten WAY out of control lately. When I go to the gym he wants me covered from head to toe. He said he will cancel my membership if I wear anything sexy to the gym. I told him NO guy is gonna hit on me, there are younger, more attractive women there. I cannot even go for walks alone anymore. He is driving me insane. I told him I will wear what I want and he said I better not or else. From a mans point of view...WTH??? We are to old for this crap!
> I will put a few photos in my profile.


Well, he can't tell you what to wear....that's fawked up. You are a not a robot for him to control.


Age has little to do with it.

How were you dressing when going to the gym? My girlfriend looks amazing when we go to the gym, and I'm sure guys would try to hit on her if I wasn't there. There is nothing I can do about that, so I just don't worry about it. If she was going to cheat, she would find a way. I trust that she won't, and if I didn't trust her, it's over anyways.

He is insecure and needs to deal with it. I doubt this is something entirely new...you may not have noticed it as much, but something probably triggered the recent outburst. Regardless, he needs to trust you, and he has to realize he can't control what you do. You guys need to be careful here, this is a big sensitive issue.

He can't expect you to obey him like a dog. That's ridiculous.


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## PHH (Aug 5, 2013)

I agree with you. I wear comfortable clothes. Tank top and yoga pants usually. He wants me to wear his tshirts. They are to frickin hot to workout in.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

PHH said:


> I agree with you. I wear comfortable clothes. Tank top and yoga pants usually. He wants me to wear his tshirts. They are to frickin hot to workout in.


He needs some counseling. Is he secure in life? Job secure, is he fit? have you cheated on him? Did he grow up in an house with cheaters? Was he cheated on before? 
There is something causing his level of insecurity, if it is not one of the obvious I listed or something easily figured out on your own then you need to communicate to him how this makes you feel and I suggest you do it in front of a counselor.
You make it sound like he was not like this prior to marriage.. correct? :scratchhead:


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## PHH (Aug 5, 2013)

He ex's wife cheated on him and his ex gf. He was not like this with them.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

PHH said:


> I agree with you. I wear comfortable clothes. Tank top and yoga pants usually. He wants me to wear his tshirts. They are to frickin hot to workout in.


He's being completely unreasonable; that's standard attire.

My girlfriend will start off with a tee/tank and yoga pants or yoga shorts, but once she gets warmed up (5 or 10 minutes), she looses the tee/tank and it's just a sports bra. She looks fantastic, and I always tell her she should feel great about herself for all the hard work she puts into her body, because she looks so hawt! Your husband should be proud to be with someone who cares about their health and looks great because of it. 

He has a problem. When did this start to turn?


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

PHH said:


> He ex's wife cheated on him and his ex gf. He was not like this with them.


You need to reassure him as often as you can. His insecurities are well founded but his anger toward you is not, as you never did anything to warrant the treatment. Let him know you understand why he is feeling the way he is, but you can't live in a bubble. You certainly will not be treated like a child and in order for your marriage to work you need to feel trusted. Again be sympathetic to him as he has gone through a lot of pain.
Have you ever experienced the pain I speak of? If not, you must know it is life altering stuff that tears at the core of your being.. read Copind with infedilty posts and you will get a better understanding of the hurt he has been through and you will be a bit more sympathetic and understanding. This does not mean he is allowed to be this way with you and you need to in the nicest way possible let him know he has no decision making power as to what you wear and if he wants that power he should have moved to India.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

PHH said:


> You call BS? Are you trying to tell me that's not true? I am far from naïve. The odds of a man hitting on a younger more attractive woman are greater than and older woman. And I am cool with that. I am there to workout. Just trying to get that through my husbands head is another story.


I do call BS  The gym rats there will hit on almost anything...and a 40 year old married woman in good shape is a prime target...especially one wearing yoga pants...

About your husbands behaviour, I really do think it is his own insecurities, and from other things you've said, his insecurities are reasonable, but taking them out on you IS NOT.

Have you invited him along?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

PHH...I think you should tread lightly here. If your H is already crazy jealous and insecure (from your description) I'm pretty sure he isn't going to enjoy it if he finds out you have been discussing his "weakness" with a bunch of random internet strangers in a forum called "the mens lounge".

Regardless if "he needs counseling" and some of the other pot shots that have been taken at him, I think you need to protect his feelings even while you work with him on whatever his issues are. That means, if you need to know how he is feeling or why he is behaving a certain way, you should discuss it with him instead of strangers.

But I'm only saying this because what you are describing is a man who has some issues and this post you've made here could backfire on you big time.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

His gut is telling him you're cheating based on some change on your behavior or your behavior matching well known red flags for cheaters that he's just gained knowledge of.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

PHH.

A young guy has sex on his mind all the time. I was young once and believe me they do. If a older woman makes herself available to a younger man, trust me, he'll jump at the chance. To a young guy sex is like pizza. When it's good, it's good, and when it's bad, it's still good. If you got shot in the arm, some guy would want to screw the bullet hole if he could.

Your husband has been burned in a big way from his previous relationships and he needs some IC to help with his insecurities and yes he's wrong for being so dominate. Good luck and I wish you well and hope he can turn it around.


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## noas55 (Jun 25, 2013)

I think it is a form of mid life crisis. He has hit 40. You are wanting to work out and get into shape. He may feel he is not the man you want since you are working out and such. Irrational jealousy is usually due to insecurity issues.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

A forty year old woman can still look very hot, especially if you go to the gym and excise often. Besides, some men like older MILFs. So your husband's insecurity issue is understandable, and he is a man, he knows what men think. 

If he is struggling with this problem because of his history with women, then help him with it, be more understanding, and don't think he is ridiculous for being the way he is. Tell him you love him, and why you love him, list his good qualities, and you are not interested in other men because they don't have the qualities he has. 

I think he has confidence issues.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I agree with green pearl. Older women can look hot and remember. If the guy is standing around watching a bunch of women bent over, ass in the air, where do you think he's going to be looking? Remember in that pose, he can't tell if the ass in the air is 50, 40, 30, or 20, to him it's a ass and it's the starting line.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

PHH said:


> Never mind- don't know how to upload more pictures. doesn't matter anyways


If that's really you in your avatar, I predict you sent an all-time TAM record for having your profile checked out. I know I hustled right over. 

So he's paranoid of guys hitting on you and the response you may give in return. I suppose he's been betrayed in the past. 

Try and find something moderately sexy to wear and he should be alright.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

6301 said:


> I agree with green pearl. Older women can look hot and remember. If the guy is standing around watching a bunch of women bent over, ass in the air, where do you think he's going to be looking? Remember in that pose, he can't tell if the ass in the air is 50, 40, 30, or 20, to him it's a ass and it's the starting line.


Like


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## jmp2204 (Aug 7, 2013)

he has been burned before , you know that don't ignore it .Are you an attention seeker? believe me guys that have been burned pick up on the smallest things .IMHO go out of your way to make him feel secure about you .I'm sure your a head turner and if you react to other guys attention it will make him feel more insecure even though it will make you feel delighted.no he should not dominate you but that may subside with your making him feel secure


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

It doesn't matter whether the OP gets hit on at the gym or not. What matters is how she responds to getting hit on. 

Sorry to say but for me...and I'm guessing a lot of men out there...a toned fit woman is attractive at any age. Unless she expresses some kind of interest though I'm not going beyond exchanging a few pleasantries.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

He is being a controlling idiot. My wife works out at the gym and wears what she wants. We work out at the same times every now and then. I have seen guys check her out. She probably gets hit on every now and then. It is her response to it that matters. I trust her to tell the guy to go away. Heck, I get hit on at the gym from females of varying ages. I just tell them I'm not interested.

I can understand his fears based on his past, but unless you have shown triggers that he has insecurities about, then he is being an idiot. You need to talk with him and find out if some of your current behaviors are similar to his past relationships.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

I'm not a guy, but are you sure he isn't projecting? Maybe he's horndogging over other women like some of the guys here, and then taking his guilt out on you.

Just a thought.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

bbdad said:


> He is being a controlling idiot. My wife works out at the gym and wears what she wants. We work out at the same times every now and then. I have seen guys check her out. She probably gets hit on every now and then. It is her response to it that matters. I trust her to tell the guy to go away. Heck, I get hit on at the gym from females of varying ages. I just tell them I'm not interested.
> 
> I can understand his fears based on his past, but unless you have shown triggers that he has insecurities about, then he is being an idiot. You need to talk with him and find out if some of your current behaviors are similar to his past relationships.


I understand what you are saying here, but based on her responses to my first post to her, she is either very naive in thinking that guys are NOT checking her out and hiting on her, or more likely she knows damn well they are and is just playing dumb so she doesn't have to do anything to stop it, and can play innocent. Either way, SHE is not dealing with this correctly either, and she needs to address her own behavior too.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> she is either very naive in thinking that guys are NOT checking her out and hiting on her, or more likely she knows damn well they are and is just playing dumb so she doesn't have to do anything to stop it, and can play innocent. Either way, SHE is not dealing with this correctly either, and she needs to address her own behavior too.


Oh my, this is full of assumptions. 

Believe it or not, not all women are under a constant barrage of being hit on. Checked out, maybe, but not necessarily hit on. 

And she may very well be dealing with it correctly. She's wearing normal clothes to a gym and working out. Why do you make it sound like she's prancing around in a bikini batting her eyelashes at every boy in town?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

always_alone said:


> Oh my, this is full of assumptions.
> 
> Believe it or not, not all women are under a constant barrage of being hit on. Checked out, maybe, but not necessarily hit on.
> 
> And she may very well be dealing with it correctly. She's wearing normal clothes to a gym and working out. *Why do you make it sound like she's prancing around in a bikini batting her eyelashes at every boy in town*?


I never even implied any such thing, much less say it. She stated that she was not being checked out or hit on because she is too old. That is simply false. She is being checked out, and she is being hit on whether she wants to admit it or not.

Her husband brought his concerns to her, and based on the way she described it here, she told him to get bent, that she was going to do what she wanted. That is not a good way to handle these things.

We can not address his behavior here because he is not here to work on this with. She is.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> I never even implied any such thing, much less say it. She stated that she was not being checked out or hit on because she is too old. That is simply false. She is being checked out, and she is being hit on whether she wants to admit it or not.
> 
> Her husband brought his concerns to her, and based on the way she described it here, she told him to get bent, that she was going to do what she wanted. That is not a good way to handle these things.
> 
> We can not address his behavior here because he is not here to work on this with. She is.


Many woman are extremely naïve as to if they are being hit on.
I have a very attractive wife with a great body. I have been with her for 14 years of marriage. I asked her if she is hit on, she says nope, never. I guess she is the only hot woman in the country that has gone 14 years with out being hit on....
She is a teacher as well, at a high school no less. I even said you are telling me the boys at your school have not hit on you at all either? Nope... :scratchhead: Since the no answer is completely non believable.. it shows she is clueless as to it happening. If a guy offers to buy you a drink to her he is hitting on you. If a guy tells you look pretty, or sexy or brings you a cup of coffee at work, they are just being nice.. If only she could be inside these guys heads just one time..


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

nogutsnoglory said:


> *Many woman are extremely naïve as to if they are being hit on.*I have a very attractive wife with a great body. I have been with her for 14 years of marriage. I asked her if she is hit on, she says nope, never. I guess she is the only hot woman in the country that has gone 14 years with out being hit on....
> She is a teacher as well, at a high school no less. I even said you are telling me the boys at your school have not hit on you at all either? Nope... :scratchhead: Since the no answer is completely non believable.. it shows she is clueless as to it happening. If a guy offers to buy you a drink to her he is hitting on you. If a guy tells you look pretty, or sexy or brings you a cup of coffee at work, they are just being nice.. If only she could be inside these guys heads just one time..


You're right about that. Many are completely clueless. Many women however know exactly what is happening and they are eating it up. They feel that if they deny it, it somehow makes it fine if they don't shut it down. As a single, that is fine, but in a marriage, it is a dangerous slope to start down.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

First - she should be able to wear what she wants at the gym. I'm guessing there is more to this story if this was a big/sudden change for the hubby. :scratchhead:

The age thing in this thread is cracking me up. I'm a 40-something gym guy. Trust me, if a woman is attractive, at just about any age, guys (young and old) are checking her out, and they will hit on her. I see women at the gym who I assume are 50+ and they look damn good. If I wasn't married, I'd probably hit on them, and the younger version of me would have as well.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

thunderstruck said:


> First - she should be able to wear what she wants at the gym. I'm guessing there is more to this story if this was a big/sudden change for the hubby. :scratchhead:
> 
> The age thing in this thread is cracking me up. I'm a 40-something gym guy. *Trust me, if a woman is attractive, at just about any age, guys (young and old) are checking her out, and they will hit on her. *I see women at the gym who I assume are 50+ and they look damn good. If I wasn't married, I'd probably hit on them, and the younger version of me would have as well.


This was my original point of contention with the OP. She was denying that happened which means she is either naive or lying.

I think it is easier for some people to deny things like this and compartmentalize it and convince themselves it is safe so they don't have to put out the energy to protect their relationship.


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## PHH (Aug 5, 2013)

samyeagar- I think I would KNOW if I was being hit on. I am not talking about guys looking at you for a second and then looking away. I am talking about he HIT on, like someone talking to you or staring at you. That does not happen to me. Call me Naïve or whatever makes you happy. I am not playing dumb. I go to workout and should be able to wear what I want.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

PHH said:


> samyeagar- I think I would KNOW if I was being hit on. I am not talking about guys looking at you for a second and then looking away. I am talking about he HIT on, like someone talking to you or staring at you. That does not happen to me. Call me Naïve or whatever makes you happy. I am not playing dumb. I go to workout and should be able to wear what I want.


I understand your position on this. Let me add this. Your H finds you to be an attractive lady and he assumes like all of us do that others will find our ladies attractive as well. For most of us that is not really the issue. Very few of us ever hear about our lady being hit on but we also know how men are and we know women are being hit on all over the place. So maybe you put off a vibe that keeps men away from you and that is fine. It is not the norm though and therefore hard for us to assume as correct.
Like the example I gave of my wife. When she speaks of this topic she sounds almost just like you. Problem is I am not dumb enough to buy it. Also knowing her and her assumption that all people are nice and no one has ill intent in the world she thinks people are just being nice. We men know men. Nice = flirting.
Not all the time of course. I am nice to 90 year old woman and not flirting with them. Some flirting is natural and fun and I think is just fine as it reminds us we are alive. My wife is super nice to all and comes across as flirty. Not sexual in nature but "overly nice" and depending on the situation it can come across the wrong way.
Just trying to add some insight.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Oh, for Pete's sake. This is so ludicrous!

Number 1. Women are not under a constant barrage of being hit on. Yes, if she is exceptionally hot or acting available she can draw a fair bit of attention. But the fact is that most women can go about their daily business without interference. Sometimes there may be a flirtatious comment or whatever, but usually it's brief and meaningless. (And for the record, teachers are only rarely hit on by students, and it is usually female students hitting on male teachers.)

Number 2. Some men actually are nice. Maybe you feel the need to hit on every pair of hot tits that walks past you, but some men are actually selective. They don't want to screw just anyone, and can have a conversation with a woman about work, the weather, etc, without wanting to bed her. This can be for any number of reasons including wanting a real emotional connection before phucking, being loyal to their SO, not preferring her "type", or even not being that into sex. And so on. Not all men are exactly the same, and it is not "naive" to know this.

Number 3. What exactly do you expect her to do about it? Yes, there may be guys that look at her and think about sex. Maybe they'll even ask her for her phone number. How do you propose to stop this? Lock her in the house? Cover her from head to foot?

Why not instead take responsibility for yourselves and start trying to treat women like fellow human beings instead of slabs of meat. You can start by believing her when she says she is not being hit on and isn't playing dumb so she can flirt with impunity. 

If enough of you jump on board, you won't have to worry so much about other men.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

always_alone said:


> Oh, for Pete's sake. This is so ludicrous!
> 
> Number 1. Women are not under a constant barrage of being hit on. Yes, if she is exceptionally hot or acting available she can draw a fair bit of attention. But the fact is that most women can go about their daily business without interference. Sometimes there may be a flirtatious comment or whatever, but usually it's brief and meaningless. (And for the record, teachers are only rarely hit on by students, and it is usually female students hitting on male teachers.)
> 
> ...




The best part of this post is that it doesn't line up with most of your previous post where your stance is generally that all men Are the same. Glad to see you growing.


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## mdill (Jan 18, 2012)

PHH said:


> I just want to know what my husbands problem is, or what you men may think it is. We have been married for a year. I am 40 and he is 38. His jealously has gotten WAY out of control lately. When I go to the gym he wants me covered from head to toe. He said he will cancel my membership if I wear anything sexy to the gym. I told him NO guy is gonna hit on me, there are younger, more attractive women there. I cannot even go for walks alone anymore. He is driving me insane. I told him I will wear what I want and he said I better not or else. From a mans point of view...WTH??? We are to old for this crap!
> I will put a few photos in my profile.


I'm a guy and my very attractive wife also goes to the gym regularly. So I will offer my perspective. Your husband obviously finds you very attractive and is sure other men do. Being a guy he knows most guys will check you out at the gym and some (though not all) will attempt to hit on you. In my experience, many women don't realize when they are being hit on. My very friendly wife is this way. I have seen guys hit on her in my presence and she doesn't realize it. 

Personally, I know we are very much in love and consider it a compliment to her that she is so attractive that she draws so much attention. I'm proud that she is my wife for many reasons, including her beauty. Your husband's concern is understandable given his history with others. However, I think it signals an underlying insecurity he has with his relationship with you. This could be due to his history before you, history with you and/or a lack of self esteem. I recommend you talk to him in depth about his feelings regarding this and listen carefully.

What really matters is how you handle those men who do cross the line from "just being nice" to hitting on you. It helps is your husband has the opportunity to witness how you handle these situation. So take him to the gym with you. Like all of us, he might enjoy working out with you.

Hope this helps.


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

Yes, you should be OK to wear what you want but don't think for a second that somehow you're immune to male attraction, now matter how you think you look, and that it cannot happen to you. You and your husband need to talk about this in a calm and unemotional level, and investigate his insecurities. You may find there is past history that leads him to believe you are a target or you are vulnerable to being hit on. Discuss it, and there just might be some understanding to give you that assurance and him some confidence that you can go where you want without the jealousy that goes with it.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

Let's just say for a moment that yes, she does get hit on in the gym....

Does that mean that she has to go with the guy who hit on her and have sex with him?

The idea that women have to dress a certain way to prevent men from doing certain things is ridiculous.

Her husband has a huge insecurity issue because of his past experiences. Although it might also be something he has always had. He said that he was not jealous before. How do we know he is not sugarcoating his behavior?

Bottom line is that she should be able to dress in a way that she thinks is comfortable. And he should be secure enough to trust her.


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## jmp2204 (Aug 7, 2013)

MDILL nailed it


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

sparkyjim said:


> Let's just say for a moment that yes, she does get hit on in the gym....
> 
> Does that mean that she has to go with the guy who hit on her and have sex with him?
> 
> ...


It makes me think of the middle east, where woman have to be covered from head to toe, only showing their eyes. There are some Muslim Clerics who want women to wear a one-eyed veil to prevent seduction. That just seems so fawked up to me. It's obviously a male problem, but the women are punished for it.

OP already stated the gym attire she wears, and it's standard gym clothing. This is all about her husbands insecurity. He will never be able to control what other men do, and forcing her to wear what he wants is not the solution to his insecurity.


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## lifeisbetterthanalternat (Apr 24, 2012)

kudos for you for taking care of yourself. I am sure you are quite proud of the shape you are maintaining. For that you and your H should be pleased.

To me I have to say that the appearance of a women in yoga pants can range from ho-hum to holly-cow depending on body type, the material, the length of the shirt etc. I know this fashion has become largely acceptable but, as much as I enjoy seeing women this way…it can be very sexy…even more so than some bikini bottoms. It doesn’t show skin but, can basically look painted on. I think it can be too sexy in my humble opinion. In fact, some schools have banned them for this reason. 

Regardless if you actually are hit on, how you dress when unaccompanied by him may bother him. I agree with the others that your husband is insecure. I can’t throw stones as I have never been cheated on. I don’t know how racy your attire is and yes you have the right to wear what you want and be “comfortable” but, there are may be ways of finding a compromise in your attire. Would it be too much to ask for you to wear a long shirt for example and meet your husband halfway? Are you going to the gym to look better for you or your husband or is there some part of you that want to actually like the attention from the men.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

My brother was cheated on, my oldest sister was cheated on, my dad cheated on my mom, and various friends had been involved with infidelity. 
All that ever needed doing for me, was common ordinary signs of interest in me. Not "over the top" coddling or painstaking cultivation of my esteem, but simple signs that she was interested in me.

Since the last five years of my marriage were sexless, I still had her categorized as a type that would never cheat. She had great excuses for why there was no sex life, and very little interest in affection..(warning: that came with the word "independent" quite often)
It all made sense when I found out she was in fact involved with someone else.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

These days, a lot of 20 and 30 something women are overweight or just flat out obese. So, women who are 40 and 50+ still in good shape are attractive to men of varying ages. So don't kid yourself there.

However, a partner who hassles me about my dress and where I am going would drive me crazy. I dress conservatively enough already.
Are you transparent with your husband in other ways? Online accounts, your cellphone and so on?

After that, then he does need counselling if his fears persist.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

6301 said:


> I agree with green pearl. Older women can look hot and remember. If the guy is standing around watching a bunch of women bent over, ass in the air, where do you think he's going to be looking? Remember in that pose, he can't tell if the ass in the air is 50, 40, 30, or 20, to him it's a ass and it's the starting line.



You are right, but so what?? 

Yes, men check out women at the gym. They look. That's not the same thing as cheating. These men don't have mind control powers that will make the OP have sex with them.

PHH,

Is your husband Muslim by any chance? I have traveled to several Arab countries, and his feelings are the norm there. You will never see women jogging around, riding a bicycle, for this reason, nor do women ever go to gyms unless they are women only. These attitudes are ridiculous and belong in the Middle Ages.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

40 year old in Yoga Pants. Barfffffff. Not! Listen PHH can you say Cougar? It is not just an TV rage so let's just say the May December think with younger men and older women is at an all time high.

Is your husband over the top? Absolutely. Are you a bit naive? Yes a bit. Tell him to get his jealous a$$ out of the chair and have him join you.


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## PHH (Aug 5, 2013)

No my husband is not a muslim. I was really getting fed up with the drilling from him everyday "did anyone talk to you" Did they hit on you" so yesterday I told him I wanted him to stop asking me those questions. It was starting to make me think there is something wrong with me! I mean really....WHY ISNT anyone hitting on me!? After day after day of him asking me that I began to wonder WHY men weren't hitting on me! SO it was starting to really piss me off. Its like me asking him every day if women hit on him at work...if they didn't he would start to think something is wrong with him right? Is that his plan??? to try and make me think I am ugly and nobody else will want me? Well I started to pay REAL attention and I do notice men "looking" and maybe staring, but they don't "talk" to me. I am just fed up with him, I don't know what his intentions are with all this.


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## PHH (Aug 5, 2013)

Sorry I am venting here...good place to vent huh lol...anyways, I just feel like he "wants" me to get hit on like he needs that conformation I am hot from someone else. I said that to him and he said that's not true. I just feel like we are to old for this crap and I just want to have a marriage where looks are such a big part of it ya know. He says they aren't, but then he does crap like this.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

PHH said:


> I am just fed up with him, I don't know what his intentions are with all this.


I doubt his intentions are to make you feel bad about yourself -- although I suppose it's possible it's a passive-aggressive ploy to push you to see *him* as your only viable option.

More likely, I think he's much like some of the guys responding here. Fully convinced of his entitlement to "appreciate" women as much as he wants and judge them on how they dress/look, but then blaming her for it. 

It's funny, I keep hearing about how insecure *women* are when they complain about men treating women this way, but I think many men are just as insecure about it, if not more so.

After all, you probably have great options out there, should you actually decide to have interest in them ...


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

always_alone said:


> I doubt his intentions are to make you feel bad about yourself -- although I suppose it's possible it's a passive-aggressive ploy to push you to see *him* as your only viable option.


It's also possible that he actually has a fantasy about his wife with other men, and in reality it's turning him on to keep asking her about it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Your husband is a guy. He knows how guys think. He finds you hot and naturally (and probably correctly) assumes most other guys do, too. Age is a number. A sexy woman is a sexy woman and if you are female and have the breath of life, you are going to get hit on. Guys need very little encouragement in that department. I wouldn't tell my wife what to wear but I wouldn't be thrilled if she went to the gym or anywhere else in public dressed like a hoochie mama. This problem could be easily fixed if he'd just suit up and go to the gym, too. It wouldn't kill him to work out a little.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

PHH said:


> You call BS? Are you trying to tell me that's not true? I am far from naïve. The odds of a man hitting on a younger more attractive woman are greater than and older woman. And I am cool with that. I am there to workout. Just trying to get that through my husbands head is another story.


No indeed you are naive. Women of all ages get hit on by men of all ages.

What we wear or do not wear and the situations we put are selves into are the business of our spouse. the problem with any thread on attire without seeing pictures is that eveyrone who posts has something in their head about what is ok and what is not ok. So there is little basis here to judge anything.

Frankly you could readily post yourself with what you feel you can wear to the gym. I am not buying you cannot upload a photo. If you cannot figure that out you should not be going to the gym or anywhere else alone.

Many of the folks who are suggesting that you should wear what you want inspite of your husband ... are going through serious problems in their marriages. So keep that in mind. The key is to be respectful.

The jealous, insecure and controlling capolla rears its ugly head time and again. The world is full of shades of gray. Indeed there are times when a man should feel insecure. When there is a reason to be jealous. Whe he needs to set his boundaries. But we have zilch to go on. So who knows whether the problem is mostly you or mostly him. Indeed it is a problem for your marriage. 

Is this gym stuff new to you? Things can get crazy for folks when they approach 40.


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

Okay, I'll bite, and excuse my bluntness.

A consistent lack of affection on a spouse's part can breed insecurity and jealousy. I would never expect an answer to this, nor should you respond. Just food for thought in case my toss at the dartboard hit.

Do you turn him down for sex?
A normal 40 year old will desire a hot wife several times per week. If he's not getting this he will become resentful. Does he like oral? If so, when was the last time you gave it?

Yoga pants and a tank top is an incredibly sexy outfit. Do you dress like this for him at home? This in itself could be the problem.

Again, a lack of attention and affection can spawn this type of behavior.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> No indeed you are naive. Women of all ages get hit on by men of all ages.
> 
> What we wear or do not wear and the situations we put are selves into are the business of our spouse.


Spare me. Yes, we all know what men think, and we know that sexual come-ons happen frequently. But women also know what is happening to us. Please, enough with the condescending "you are naive" comments. Women are aware, insightful, and capable of judging our surroundings. 

Honestly, it's mind-boggling how men can be so dismissive of women's perspectives that they actually think they better understand what it's like to be a woman than any woman does. I mean, really?

And I would say there is a limit on how controlling a spouse should be on dress code. Just as men think they should have the freedom to think and do as they please, despite howtheir wives feel. So should women.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Theseus said:


> It's also possible that he actually has a fantasy about his wife with other men, and in reality it's turning him on to keep asking her about it.



Really?
I mean, really , really, REALLY?

How does one move from my " husband being jealous & controlling" to,
_" It's also possible that he actually has a fantasy about his wife with other men?"_ 

Now , where exactly did that come from?:scratchhead:


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

always_alone said:


> Spare me. Yes, we all know what men think, and we know that sexual come-ons happen frequently. But women also know what is happening to us. Please, enough with the condescending "you are naive" comments. Women are aware, insightful, and capable of judging our surroundings.
> 
> Honestly, it's mind-boggling how men can be so dismissive of women's perspectives that they actually think they better understand what it's like to be a woman than any woman does. I mean, really?
> 
> And I would say there is a limit on how controlling a spouse should be on dress code. Just as men think they should have the freedom to think and do as they please, despite howtheir wives feel. So should women.


Em, NO.


I also work out at the gym on a regular basis.
My stomach is flat and I'm in really good shape.
My wife doesn't like me wearing lycra pants and fitted tees 
[ which is the norm in gym wear for men right now] to work out because she doesn't want other women looking at my a$$ , legs and package.

I respect her, so I wear loose clothes.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

always_alone said:


> Spare me. Yes, we all know what men think, and we know that sexual come-ons happen frequently. But women also know what is happening to us. Please, enough with the condescending "you are naive" comments. Women are aware, insightful, and capable of judging our surroundings.
> 
> Honestly, it's mind-boggling how men can be so dismissive of women's perspectives that they actually think they better understand what it's like to be a woman than any woman does. I mean, really?
> 
> And I would say there is a limit on how controlling a spouse should be on dress code. Just as men think they should have the freedom to think and do as they please, despite howtheir wives feel. So should women.


Indeed, I will not "spare" you. She specifically asked if she was being naive. If you do not like my sincere repply to her, then get over yourself.

And lets drop the jealous, insecure and controlling rhetoric. There is not enoug information provided to judge this.

Jealousy is an honest emotion. Like love and anger, it has its place. Jealousy is not good or bad in and of itself. It is an emotion.

Insecurity is warranted when the person realizes they have reason to be insecure. 

Controlling is often used by those who seek space to go outside of the marriage. There is not enough information here to indicate her hsuband is being controlling in a negative way. Most of us would call these boundaries.

Best to get some solid boundaries going.

Always alone? LOL. I wonder why?

Anyway she has offered no evidence of what she would wear to the GYM. It may be fine but we do not know. What a woman wears matters. You can tell a woman who is dressed to workout and one who is dressed for attention and / or on the prowl.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> Really?
> I mean, really , really, REALLY?
> 
> How does one move from my " husband being jealous & controlling" to,
> ...


This is his spin on things. It is his view. Because he has these fantasies. But to assume other men have them is absurd.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> Em, NO.
> 
> 
> I also work out at the gym on a regular basis.
> ...


When I go to the GYM I mean business. What I wear is about lifting heavy stuff. I do not show off my guns or anything else. I just lift heavy stuff, mind my own business and leave exhausted and drenched. Do women notice me? Oh hell yes they do, but I have my headphones blasting and only notice them in glimpses as I am very much focused. Sorry if women sand and stare, I notice that. But I what I wear is very modest.

I notice because when I am lifting heavy most of the guys clear out of my way.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Always alone? LOL. I wonder why?
> 
> Anyway she has offered no evidence of what she would wear to the GYM. It may be fine but we do not know. What a woman wears matters. You can tell a woman who is dressed to workout and one who is dressed for attention and / or on the prowl.


She said exactly what she wears: yoga pants and tank. Pretty normal if you ask me.

She said she goes to the gym and focusses on working out. Yet a bunch of guys, including you, tell her that that's not good enough. She might accidentally be too hot and the men might be staring at her ass. Somehow that's okay for you, but not for her?

She said no one is hitting on her, and a bunch of guys tell her she is naive and has no idea what is going on around her. This is just insulting. Why do you think you know her experience better than her?

Yes, go ahead. Throw pot shots at me. A woman who speaks her mind and calls bs when she sees it is bound to be alone because so many find it so threatening.


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## PHH (Aug 5, 2013)

To answer some of the questions...again, I am not being naïve. And yes I "give" it to him all the time, so much that I think I may want it more than him. I did post a picture (my avatar) I would post a bikini picture but I am not that trashy. So yes, I do know how to post pictures. Back to the issue. I got so sick of the arguing with him, I just told him I will wear his shirts, but I am going to wear what I want. So it came down to having to lie. Pretty much sucks, or else it was him taking my gym card so I couldn't get in, or hiding my tank tops, or getting physical with me. I just do not want to deal with all that just to go work out. I noticed he was obsessed lately with this news article about the 16 year old girl that got abducted by that older guy. He kept looking it up, I asked him why, is he fascinated with that? He said he was worried about something happening to me or the kids. I said NOTHING is going to happen!


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

PHH said:


> Pretty much sucks, or else it was him taking my gym card so I couldn't get in, or hiding my tank tops, or *getting physical with me*.


Uh...unless you're exaggerating, this is pretty scary, and you have much bigger issues than just tank tops.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

always_alone said:


> *She said exactly what she wears: yoga pants and tank. Pretty normal if you ask me.
> *
> She said she goes to the gym and focusses on working out. Yet a bunch of guys, including you, tell her that that's not good enough. She might accidentally be too hot and the men might be staring at her ass. Somehow that's okay for you, but not for her?
> 
> ...


Women of differeing sizes and proportions look differently in the same styles. The most obvious example is large breasted women.









Do we really think that a large breasted woman would look the same in this outfit?


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## PHH (Aug 5, 2013)

I am not exaggerating. He did get physical when I told him I wasn't going to wear his shirts. So yes, we do have issues, I am aware of this. That's why I just told him I was going to.
And "NextTimeAround"....You are right, women look totally different in depending on body type. I have a smaller chest with a bigger booty, (like below) so that's what guys tend to look at. And Yoga pants enhance that even more. But they are comfortable to me in the gym.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Looks is important to a degree. I now see why when our interest level is too dependant on looks, it's almost a guarantee fail.

The same with our selves. If 80% of your energies is on your looks and maintaining it, you will draw but for shallow purposes, or for suckers for your "type".


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

PHH said:


> I am not exaggerating. He did get physical when I told him I wasn't going to wear his shirts. So yes, we do have issues, I am aware of this. That's why I just told him I was going to.


My dad was abusive, so...I feel for you, and I hope that you can get this resolved somehow. Hopefully you believe that you deserve better than being with a "man" who puts his hands on you when he doesn't get his way.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

PHH said:


> *I am not exaggerating. He did get physical when I told him I wasn't going to wear his shirts. So yes, we do have issues, I am aware of this. That's why I just told him I was going to.*
> And "NextTimeAround"....You are right, women look totally different in depending on body type. I have a smaller chest with a bigger booty, (like below) so that's what guys tend to look at. And Yoga pants enhance that even more. But they are comfortable to me in the gym.


I agree with Thunderstruck.

Your issues are way bigger than what you wear to the gym.
Time to reevaluate your relationship.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

IMHO stop worrying about guys looking because only when hell freezes over will they stop (maybe)

I suggest you have the look of "you bother me and I will clean your clock look." Works.......show the look to your hubby. 

Also, you might want to ask, in the big scheme of things is it worth fighting over a pair of yoga pants and a sports top? 

I hear this all the time.........pick your battles.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

I know I'm not a guy, but I just had to respond to this. Personally I don't care how much trauma my husband has been through in the past, I don't want to be compared to the exes and I wouldn't want to be judged based on what they did. I am me, not the ex. And secondly, as long as I wasn't wearing some ridiculously sexy inappropriate clothing for the gym, I'd tell him to F off and I'll wear what I want! My first husband was the jealous controlling type, and he tried to force me to wear baggy clothing to my factory job so guys couldn't look at me. Problem was, baggy clothing is not safe around moving machinery. So I refused. And what I was wearing, jeans and t-shirts, was certainly appropriate for that work environment. It was a sign of bigger things wrong with that marriage, there was emotional abuse, financial abuse, and even some physical abuse. In my opinion, telling another adult what to wear is simply controlling and there is no good reason for it. This husband has serious problems, and they need to be addressed before serious abuse starts to happen.


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