# 30 yold step son is addict, husband supports him



## goodtoall

My husband is supporting his 30 year old son who does meth & sells it. He lets him live in his house that he has prior to moving in to my house 11 years ago when we married. We live 45 minutes away from it. My husband, Ed, pays his son, Brian's utilities at the house . Ed's daughter Annie is in the military. She pays Brian's cell phone bill and several years ago secretly flew home too buy Brian a used truck that she continues to pay notes and insurance on. 

She is also raising Brian's 2 young boys, she has had them for two years. She lives 26 hours away. Brian ALSO has two other children with two other different women. He pays no child support. He recently shot his adult nephew in the forearm with a 22 pistol. He was jailed with attempted murder 2nd degree. My husband said his son didn't deserve to be in jail, so he bonded him out with 2 rent houses that he owns that value $90k. This is part of his future retirement income , he already had the houses up on a bond from last year when Brian broke into the garage if one of them, Brian had a fight with the tenant and the tenant called the police on him. 

I think he did it intentionally because he had impregnated the tenants wife and was just being an ass . He has also held his nephew at gunpoint on a previous occasion, but that case seems to have gone by the wayside. Ed will do anything for his son, he is the favored one of his 5 kids who are all adults. The only one who is not an alcoholic or on drugs is the one in the military. Is there any help for my husband? He has said he would do anything for Brian and will probably continue working all of his life, he said he had no joy left . 

His children have issues because Brian has always been the favorite, even as a young child. We have a prenup, but I don't want to live my life according to what is going on in Brian's. I also can retire from my career in education this year. Ed also says he envies me because with my four sons I have a lawyer, a successful entrepreneur, and two other college educated successful business men. Please advise.


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## arbitrator

*Isn't it absolutely amazing how one person's sorry and uncaring life decisions can impact so many unfortunate people and loved ones!*


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## NextTimeAround

> His children have issues because Brian has always been the favorite, even as a young child.


Stuff like this has always intrigued me. Does your husband understand why Brian has been his favorite?


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## SunCMars

30 year old Brian is a pup. Even if he is only somewhat healthy he will likely outlive your husband.

Meaning?
This will go on forever.

I hate to say it, but your' only hope is that Brian gets busted on some large felony. Goes to jail fora long time, dries out.
Or dies.

Your husband is co-dependent on a failed human. He takes the son's failure as his own.
It is not uncommon for parents, grandparents to do this.

Your' choices?

a) Keep pushing back.
b) Divorce the father, your husband. He is not married to you, he is married to his lost son.


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## MJJEAN

You need to check with a lawyer regarding your assets and possible liabilities if you haven't already. In fact, check with more than one lawyer to be sure. Your husband is acting as Brian's landlord. Whatever happens in that house could open your husband up to lawsuits and, in many states, that could also mean your assets are at risk as his legal wife.

I'd like to feel sorry for your husband, the statement he made about having no joy is heartbreaking, but the reality is that he raised those monsters and he keeps enabling them. So, frankly, this is a mess of his own making.


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## Beach123

He's made it clear he won't change so divorce him knowing you don't intend to live with him being supportive of enabling an adult drug dealer.

It's sad - been there done that.

When it won't change and you find it unacceptable it time for YOU to change it.


Maybe Brian would have changed if family would have stuck with consequences for Brian instead of rewarding bad behavior.


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## EleGirl

@goodtoall

I have a similar situation with me step children in that all 3 of them are lost causes. However, the major different in with my situation is that their father has said that until they clean up their lives, he will not have anything to do with them.

My two younger step children moved in with me when they were 10 & 12 years old. Their mother has walked out on them a few years earlier. So I basically raised them from that age on.

My oldest step daughter (38) has an addiction problem. She left her child and husband due to the addition. Has been in several rehabs and is jail a few times.

My step son (31) has a drug addiction problem. I think that he's using opiates and meth. He also sells as well. He has been some convictions for selling drugs, shop lifting, and auto theft. He is not allowed to come to my home anymore. Right now he's got an arrest warrant out for him because he has not made some of the court dates for the auto theft conviction and is not following his parole rules. I would rather see him in jail than out, doing drugs and sinking further into whatever pit he's dug for himself.

My step daughter (29) had a meth addiction problem and a conviction for selling drugs. All of this was right after high school. She has since put herself in a rehab and cleaned up her act. At least she was cleaned up the last time I talked to her. But she moved to Florida to live with her mother, the woman who abandoned her when she was 6 years old. I have not heard from her for almost a year so I'm concerned that she might have fallen back into bad habits.

Like your situation, my son is completely different. He's 29 now. He worked through high school at an internship. After high school he worked for 2 years to save up money for college. Since then he has earned two Bachelor degrees, one in physics and one in applied mathematics and a Master's degree in Physics. He is now working on a PhD and has a fellowship doing research in Physics and Nano Science.

A few years ago, the antics of his step siblings was messing with my son's college work so he ended all contact with them for his own sanity. Smart kid.

The difference between your situation and mine is that their father has taken a 'tough love' approach and have I. We tried to help them clean up their acts. They are now adults and can deal with their own issues. 

Note that their bio-mother only has an ongoing relationship with the my youngest step daughter. And that's only because she's living with her mother and helping to support her mother.

I don't need the chaos, drama, danger and money drain. 

Your husband is not only putting himself at financial risk, but you as well. In most states, you can be held responsible for any debt he make. If he loses his retirement, you will be supporting him with yours. What he is doing is profoundly unfair to you.

As you seem to know, your husband is not helping his son. As long as your husband bails his son out, his son will not need to address his own problems.

Try getting your husband to join *NAR-ANON* with you. He needs to see how others are handling similar situations.

If your husband continues as he is doing, you need to seriously consider divorcing him because he is making it your problem pretty quickly and putting you in financial jeopardy.


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## EleGirl

To better understand your husband, you might want to read the book 


*Codependent No More & Beyond Codependency* by Melody Beattie


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## happyhusband0005

From my view Brian's problems are the fault of his father. Enabling and addict is the best way to ensure it continues. If you Husband really wanted to help him in the long run he would pull the bond, let him be locked up, Kick him from his house and tell his daughter to stop helping Brian, though she should keep the children. Until your husband does these things there will never be an incentive for Brian to get help and start putting his life together. I mean he shot your husbands grandchild for crying out loud. 

NAR-ANON for your husband might start to help.


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## Saige

EleGirl said:


> @goodtoall
> 
> As you seem to know, your husband is not helping his son. As long as your husband bails his son out, his son will not need to address his own problems.
> 
> Try getting your husband to join *NAR-ANON* with you. He needs to see how others are handling similar situations.


This! Help him understand that he is enabling his son. I suggest committing to 10 meeting in 10 days, otherwise he'll walk out of the first meeting and never go back again. It takes exposure to really see the connections and sink in.


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## Beach123

Any update?


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## goodtoall

Brian is scheduled to appear in court next Friday June 1st. Today his father is 26 hours away visiting the two grandsons at his daughter's house. Ed called me and asked me if I would be home because Brian wanted to come pick up a gun, a rifle, to go shoot in the woods with his friends back at his house. I said I was not going to be home to give Brian a rifle that was probably registered in its name. Ed was aggravated with me said he didn't want to hear about it. But I don't want to be responsible because Brian does not need any guns in his possession. In actuality, Brian should have been working somewhere today, because he has for illegitimate children to support.


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## Beach123

Looks like your husband is as sick as his son.

He's HELPING his son stay sick. He's an accomplice to the drug use. There is some severe codependency there that will ruin ANY relationship your husband attempts to have with any woman.

Knowing that you can't change those sick dynamics - it's time to exit... for your own well being.

When there's no change there is no hope of things getting better. Your H isn't changing it. His son isn't changing it - so it's ONLY up to YOU to change this. He's left you absolutely no choice if you intend to be happy - you gotta get away from this sick family dynamic.


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## EleGirl

goodtoall said:


> Brian is scheduled to appear in court next Friday June 1st. Today his father is 26 hours away visiting the two grandsons at his daughter's house. Ed called me and asked me if I would be home because Brian wanted to come pick up a gun, a rifle, to go shoot in the woods with his friends back at his house. I said I was not going to be home to give Brian a rifle that was probably registered in its name. Ed was aggravated with me said he didn't want to hear about it. But I don't want to be responsible because Brian does not need any guns in his possession. In actuality, Brian should have been working somewhere today, because he has for illegitimate children to support.


What are the provisions of Brian's parole? Does it stipulate that he cannot have a firearm in his possession? If it does, and you and/or your husband give him access to a firearm, you can be in a lot of trouble.


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## VibrantWings

You are smart not to give a meth addict a gun. You are smart to realize that your husband and family should not be enabling a meth addict.
You would also be smart to listen to the advice about seeing a lawyer. You're also smart enough to see that you're going to be burned badly when (yes, that's a when and not an if) this speeding train finally derails off a cliff.

You asked for opinions/advice. I wonder if anyone is going to tell you anything other than what you've been told so far...which are things I'm betting you already know.


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## KristenPlant

Its high time your husband understand he is spoiling his and his son's life.


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## Beach123

Take action. Turn him into the cops. Also turn in husband for being an accomplice. 

Divorce him so the fallout doesn't land in your lap.


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## EleGirl

goodtoall said:


> Brian is scheduled to appear in court next Friday June 1st. Today his father is 26 hours away visiting the two grandsons at his daughter's house. Ed called me and asked me if I would be home because Brian wanted to come pick up a gun, a rifle, to go shoot in the woods with his friends back at his house. I said I was not going to be home to give Brian a rifle that was probably registered in its name. Ed was aggravated with me said he didn't want to hear about it. But I don't want to be responsible because Brian does not need any guns in his possession. In actuality, Brian should have been working somewhere today, because he has for illegitimate children to support.


Does your stepson steal from you? 

My stepson is a meth, heroin and anything else he can get his hands on addict. He used to steal from us. So when I moved to my new house a few years ago, I did not tell him where I moved. He can call me, but he cannot come near me. I told him that if he steps on my property, I will call the police and have him arrested.

A thought just came to mind about your above post. Your stepson could be wanting a gun/rifle/whatever to sell to support his habit.


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## VibrantWings

I'm wondering why your husband is such an enabler? Does he have some sort of addiction himself? 
Or perhaps Brian holds something over his head?

Guilt? 

Is your hubby this lax with all the kids?

Is there more of a back story you haven't posted?


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## MThomas

Your husband must not care too much for your safety by asking you to hand over guns to his son, the addict/user/seller/person who shot another. How many ways could this interaction go wrong?

Your husband knows his son can not come on your property. But he asks you to do this. He is asking you to renig on your court order. Don't! He showed his character by just asking you this.

It is his money and if he wants to flush it down the toilet, so be it. But your safety could be at risk. He married you, not his son. A spouse does not put the other in situations like this, they shield them from them. When he returns, it may be time for a long and deep talk concerning this issue.

OP if you were my daughter or sister and you asked me, I would tell you to ask him (husband) to leave your premise until he can decide what is important in his life.


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## Beach123

After reading your other threads I'm left wondering why you stay with this bully when he's been such a jerk?

He screamed at your adult son when he drank a soda from a bottle?

Where is your limit? Why don't YOU have a solid day in matters? It is YOUR house!

Start standing up for yourself! His double standards and high requirements aren't reasonable. Leave him if things don't change!


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