# How long should I hold on?



## Mystify (Aug 24, 2012)

I will really try to make this as short as possible. 

We have been married for 12 years. I had an affair 9 years into our marriage. It lasted 2 months and H found out. I confessed everything answered all of his questions and even went to consoling. We got to the point where my H just did not want to talk about it any more and the issue was tabled. We were very affectionate and reconnecting. From what I thought things were improving. 

Fast forward 3 years, I noticed my H pulling away. I asked him what was the matter and he said "I am thinking" or "Trying to figure things out" I told him whenever he wanted to talk I would listen. A few months had passed and he was still pulling away. So one night my S (7) had a sleep over and we were going to go to the movies. On the way to drop my son off he was not talking and even more distant. So after we dropped our son off I asked him if I should be going to the movies alone. He said "I do not think I want to me married anymore" So that went into a 6 hour discussion. 

Highlights
-He said for the 2 years after he found out about my PA he was not thinking clearly. He was taking medication and it was impairing his judgement. He was just going thought the motions. 
-One year after the medication we got into an argument. In my frustration I apparently said "If you don't like it get out" and he thought at that moment why Don't I leave? And this is what started his downfall. He began evaluating his whole file. Did he do the right thing by marring me? Why did he stay after he found out about the A? Did he marry me for the right reasons? We have a son what about him?
-He admitted to me he was talking to someone who was going through what he said the same thing as him. The guilt of leaving his family. Fast forward a bit here. I later found out he was having an EA with this woman. I found e-mails and text messages vulgar pictures exchanges etc.... And low an behold all this happened right around the same time he started re-evaluating his life. Having been there done that I could see exactly what was happening here. The "New Love Drug" was kicking in and when that happens you start to evaluate your whole life. I get it......

We decided to go into consoling. Our insurance will not cover couples consoling so he has his and I have mine. We have only been at it a few months but he does not tell me what happens at his sessions and I do not either. 

He has agreed to stay for our son. However he has totally pulled away from me. Very little physical contact, no conversation. Tries to keep his distance from me when we are home. He stays down stairs until I am asleep. However he still kisses me good bye every day. 

He has started drinking a lot more. The more he drinks the less I am able to communicate with him. He has made comments to me like "To get what you want you have to be a ****" or he results to calling me stupid and really trying to hurt my feelings. He has had a falling out with his Mother on a separate issue. His response to that is "I do not care" "If she does not stop doing xyz then I am done" Now in the past, whenever anyone has ever done anything to him he remotely did not like he just wrote them off and never saw or spoke to them again. Now I see him doing this with Me and His Mother. It is almost like if things get tough run away....

I am really not sure what to do? I really feel like the way he is acting towards me is intentional. He has mentioned to me in one of his rants that "I always get what I want" and "I always come out smelling like roses" and he said he feels like if he stays I get what I want and I never paid for my A. 

Now I have taken full responsibility for my actions. I have recommitted myself to my H and my S. I have given him access to all of my accounts, I give him my whereabouts and everything. He feels like his EA was justified. So just by his words and actions I really feel like he is punishing me for something I did 3 years ago. 

He said his life is Sh*ty and even if I am the dotting faithful wife I could still cheat on him again so why even try. I am just so frustrated. I thought we had moved forward but apparently not. I am trying everything in my power to keep our family together. I do not want to be a door mat but I really feel like he is just doing everything he can so I am the one who leaves so he will not have to look like the bad guy. I am just so frustrated and confused. I do not want to end my marriage but I cannot be in a "Roommate" type of relationship. I just do not know how much time I should give this. I still feel like this is all still new only been doing on for a few months but it feels like an eternity.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

Doesn't sound like he is over it. Him not talking about it because he was tired of discussing it was him trying to forget about it. Obviously he hasn't. Him talking to someone else isn't good either. If you guys are to ever stay together he has to talk and let it all out. In counseling if necessary.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Mystify, I don't know what to say except it sounds like you are doing and have done everything possible to R your marriage. I wish my STBXWW would have done everything you did.

My STBXWW cheated on me for about 1 1/2 years starting at about our 12 year mark. There were many "D" days after I found out. She did not do the things that were necessary to R our marriage...certainly not everything that you have done. I still hung in there for about a year hoping to make things work. 

I was like your husband in the beginning..."very affectionate and reconnecting". I wanted to heal from this and move forward. It was a roller coaster of ups and downs. I did not fight the images of them together in my mind because I wanted to become numb to them. There were many times when I thought about giving up. I realized that I needed to give 100% so I would have no regrets if it failed in the end. 

As time went on it became obvious that she was putting in no real effort and had no empathy for my pain. She didn't even bother to rebuild the trust she destroyed by being open and honest. I saw no evidence of true remorse from her. I realized that without any effort from her, our marriage could never work. I loved my wife more then anything and that's what made it so difficult to file for D. For me, the situation was hopeless.

His situation, from my point of view, is not hopeless. I guess everyone has a different breaking point. All you can do is hang in there, work with him to let go of the things in his life that are hurting him now...medication, alcohol, his EA. I do believe that everyone deserves a second chance...when they earn it. It sounds like you have.

I hope your husband wakes up and realizes the second chance is for him as well.


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## Mystify (Aug 24, 2012)

Thanks Decimated for your words. I am hopeful we can come out of this; however it has just been so difficult the last 2 months. He is pulling away more and more. Keeping his distance, avoiding me. It is really making me feel abandoned.

I have not addressed his actions with him because I do not even know as if he would even be open to discussing them with me or even care as of today. 

Every day is a new day and I wonder which H I will encounter. As I mentioned we are both in therapy and we are working on "Things” but I do not even know what those "Things" are. He does not tell me about his sessions or anything else that goes on or was brought up. 

I just feel so alone and I hope one day soon I will see some positive progress and an effort from him to at least try taking one step forward.


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