# Marriage a dealbreaker?



## lovebug (Apr 28, 2011)

My boyfriend (who I currently live with) has recently told me that he "doesn't believe in marriage" and that i'm "being silly" to try to discuss this with him. Before I moved in with him I discussed our future and told him that I have no intention of moving in with someone if it's not going anywhere. At the time he said he wanted to get his career on track first but that he saw me in his future and that we were definetly going somewhere (he didn't mention the word marriage, but given the context of the conversation this is what I assumed he meant). I know, I know, never assume! 

So fast forward a year and his cousin is engaged and planning his wedding. My bf went off on this tangent to his brother/other family members about what a mistake marriage is and how he hoped his cousin didn't go through with it blah blah blah. I didn't say anything at the time as I didn't feel it was appropriate in front of his family members/our friends. That night, I asked him if he really felt that way and he said yes. I responded that I knew that he had some reservations due to his parents nasty divorce, but from conversations we had had I assumed that he was open to the idea. I also said that he knew marriage and children were important to me, although maybe not in my immediate future, and I needed to know if he was totally against those things and that he could have some time to think about it. He said that maybe we could have a domestic partnership?? 

We have a wonderful relationship other than this, and I don't really want to throw it all away, but I know I will come to resent him if I wait for him to come around and he doesn't. I told him that I needed to think about things and that I may not want to continue this relationship if I know it's not moving towards marriage/children. So, should marriage be a dealbreaker if everything else in the relationship is good? 

P.S. He's 30 yo, I figured someone would ask that.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Anything is a deal breaker, if you are unwilling to accept it. At his age he probably isn't going to change his mind. It also tells me he wants no responsibility of a family. That makes me wonder what other problems lie under the surface.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

For me it was a dealbreaker. I was in love with someone before my husband. He didn't want the whole marriage, kids, house in the burbs lifestyle and I did. I stayed in the relationship for quite a while (years) before finally accepting the inevitable and moving on.

The irony of it was as I was leaving he then changed his mind but it was too late. I'd already emotionally left.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

I've never encountered anyone like this, but I'm curious to know what the argument is against marriage? I'm guess that they aren't religious and maybe see it as an institution? I don't know. It's a formal commitment to the world. 

I'd say it's a dealbreaker if it doesn't mesh with your beliefs. If he's unwilling to bend, then he isn't the man for you. You don't want to ever feel like you're forcing anything upon him. And it's hard to let go. But it just seems weird.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> I've never encountered anyone like this, but I'm curious to know what the argument is against marriage?


Mine was because of his parents bad marriage and nasty divorce. It jaded him against marriage.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Get the book "He's just not that into you"...it was a complete life saver for me. It taught me that I was getting exactly what I was asking for from the men in my life. I jumped from ****ty relationship, to ****ty relationship for over 20 years, before I finally said enough is enough! And it was all my own fault! These men were showing/telling me exactly what they were like. When they would say stuff like "I don't want to get married/have kids/whatever" that is EXACTLY the truth! They weren't lying, they were actually being truthful, yet I put up with crap like this time and time again, waiting around to see if the subject man would change his mind! Why would he, though, if I was willing to put up with "I don't want to marry you"?

When I had finally had enough of all the BS, I finally raised the bar for myself, expected MORE out of the men I dated. I became far more selective and picky, and finally, someone came into my life just about a year ago, and we're getting married this September, and he's pretty great. I mean, we all have our issues and baggage (especially us, we're both in our 40's) but nothing major, and I love that he wants to marry and take care of me.

Don't be afraid to ask for what you want...if you ask for nothing, chances are that's exactly what you'll get...!


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

Nobody but you can decide whether this is a dealbreaker or not.

I came here with exactly the same story. With my bf for years, very happy together, but i dont get the vibe that he has marriage on the mind. Same story as you, his parents had a very nasty divorce.

I have decided that no marriage is not a dealbreaker for me. I cannot imagine leaving my bf for such a silly reason. I am not getting life exactly as i thought it would be so i leave? no way! We are happy and building a great life together. If he asks, great, if not what does it really change?

Then again, maybe you cannot live without it, if so thats fine. But only you can decide.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I have seen men and women who have miraculously changed their minds when they met someone they really loved.

I agree that book, he's just not that into you would be a good one to read.

I think having that attitude sells your relationship short before you even begin, not to mention the fact that he should not have forcefully imposed his views on someone who is about to get married, that was rude.

You could also say from his parents relationship that just co habitting ruins relationships, or any number of things, it wasn't just marriage, it was a culmination of events, actions and personalities that brought about the demise of their relationship. It certainly wasn't marriage. Plenty of people who aren't married separate too.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Currently, legal marriage is the only way to protect the financial future of the partner who commits more time and energy to child-rearing or making other career sacrifices in the interest of the family/partner.

I suppose it might be possible to come up with some type of contractual agreement to substitute for marriage (instead of domestic partnership, which I think is currently "the next best thing," but I don't know if all states have that?), but this would be risky b/c the contract could be challenged at law and then where would the career-sacrificing partner be at? (And I don't mean just SAHM or SAHD, because even when both people are working, I know that a lot of times, one partner consistently does more for the children/family than the other--usually the woman but not always. This has an impact on one's career)

Other than that, I don't quite see the big deal about marriage--but if YOU do, then be true to yourself. You will not be happy and it's good to know that now, rather than later. It may be really sad, but don't drag it out--sooner is better than later once you know it isn't going where you need it to go. 

Good luck, whatever you decide.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

Different strokes for different folks



Syrum said:


> I think having that attitude sells your relationship short before you even begin, not to mention the fact that he should not have forcefully imposed his views on someone who is about to get married, that was rude.
> 
> 
> You could also say from his parents relationship that just co habitting ruins relationships, or any number of things, it wasn't just marriage, it was a culmination of events, actions and personalities that brought about the demise of their relationship. It certainly wasn't marriage. Plenty of people who aren't married separate too.


I dont believe that being married makes a relationship anymore more or less valid. A marriage certificate does not stop a break up (hence the divorce rate).

And of course it wasnt the fact that his parents were married that destroyed their relationship. But obviously the divorce had a very hard impact on him and it has left its mark. His feeling toward marriage are just as valid as hers.

That being said i would like to point out that i am pro marriage and always thought that i would get married :smthumbup: (even though i hate weddings)

Again, i say, neither of you are right or wrong. You just need to decide what you are happy to live with, do not agree to anything that you will resent in 20 years time!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lovebug said:


> So, should marriage be a dealbreaker if everything else in the relationship is good? .


Only you can decide that.

But not to point out the obvious: Yo moved in w/ him without knowing 100% if he had marriage in the cards or not. "Assuming" isn't the same as knowing for sure. 

He has told you straight up he does not want to get married and isn't into marriage. So whether you agree w/ him or not, that is his stance. Ultimately, you have to decide whether you want to be in a relationship where you may end up never getting married.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

For me it just boils down to; what are my needs/desires in a relationship and are those being met? What are his needs/desires and are those being met? Would not go so far as to state that I no longer believe in marriage/weddings, but I am abundantly aware that a ring on your finger and a legal piece of paper is not proof that somebody loves you. Holding the title of wife/husband is not a guarantee for a life of “happily ever after” either.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

A girlfriend of mine is in a 10 year relationship, with you guessed it, Mr. I'm-never-getting-married. Even though kids, marriage, house and dog were what she wanted, she settled for what Mr. I'm-never-getting-married wanted. They moved in together, they had the kid they've got the house...so what's the problem? The marriage part, that she overlooked years ago, because after all, "It's just a piece of paper", is really, REALLY bothering her. But what can she do, now? It's a little late, after 10 years, to be bringing up the marriage card. Frankly, she's admitted to me more than once that even though she resents him never proposing, that even if he did so now, she would say no. Resentment is a tough one to live with...

But again, it's a personal choice...think about it, tho, if it bothers you now (does it?), it'll bother you in 5, 10, 15, 20 years...


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## lovebug (Apr 28, 2011)

Thank you for all your responses. I have come to the conclusion that I need to leave the relationship. When I really stopped to think about it I realized that having children is more important to me than marriage, but I really never intended to have children without being married. My boyfriend has said that he will likely want children at some point (but still not get married). I tried to explain to him that children are much more of a commitment that marriage, his response was "well, yeah I guess". :scratchhead:

LonelyNLost - his reasons are varied and include 1) to him theres no difference between being married and just being in a commited relationship 2) he says that the relationship will fall apart and go from good to bad once people get married 3) that men get the shaft in a divorce. He could go on for hours about this, but these are the main reasons I think. A lot of it comes from witnessing his parents very messy divorce IMO. 

Jellybeans - you are totally right. I attempted to have a conversation before moving in, but I was too timid and was not clear enough. I obviously regret that now. Lesson learned. 

A friend of mine told me that a lot of times men who say they don't believe in marriage just can't see themselves married to you, and are just stalling because they want to keep the status quo. This may or may not be true in my bf's case, but it definetly made me think. Also, even if he seemed to change his mind and asked me to marry him tommorow I think I would say no. I have no desire to marry someone who isn't 100% wanting to get married. I mean, so many marriages end in divorce as it is, it seems almost doomed if both partners aren't 100% commited to the marriage from the beginning. 

Thank you all. I really appreciate you taking the time to help out a complete stranger


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Good luck to you, Lovebug! And good for you for not being one of those women who ultimately browbeat their boyfriends into proposing...it's so much nicer when they think of doing it on their own. You can and will get married and have children...he's out there!


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Something to consider:

If your state is a common-law state, whether you've signed a marriage certificate or not, you may soon be married, if you're not already. In common-law states, if you've lived together for x amount of time (which can vary from state to state), made large-scale purchases (car, house, etc) together, functioned as "husband" and "wife," and/or combined finances (among other possible criteria), you are in a common-law marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovebug (Apr 28, 2011)

Candiegirl - thank you so much for your kind words!

Grayson- that is really interesting. The bf would not be happy with that. I will look into it. Thank you

I told him that I was planning on leaving and that I would work on getting everything changed into his name (some of our housing etc. bills are in my name). He got really really upset and started crying a little! I was very very surprised. He said he's really sorry that he feels this way and he doesn't want to lose me and he wants a little time to think about things and see if he may be willing to be more flexible about the marriage thing. I feel really conflicted because I still love him, but I feel like he may be just trying to get me to stay while he "thinks about it" indefinetly.


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## SecretTears (Jul 18, 2010)

I think you are making the right decision in leaving him. I am in the same situation as you and I understand how difficult this is. Be strong!

I posted a threat here months about my bf of 10 years not wanting to get married. We werent ready to get married until we finished college but I have been seriously wanting his committment for at least 4 years. I was so miserable these years because he led me on to believe that he would marry me soon. 

I have confronted him about it and he admitted he has some committment issues that he is going to counseling for. I am giving him a few months for him to work things out with a counselor but I am not hopeful. I wish I had left years ago and was true to myself and my desires instead of hoping he would change


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

lovebug said:


> My boyfriend (who I currently live with) has recently told me that he "doesn't believe in marriage" and that i'm "being silly" to try to discuss this with him. Before I moved in with him I discussed our future and told him that I have no intention of moving in with someone if it's not going anywhere. At the time he said he wanted to get his career on track first but that he saw me in his future and that we were definetly going somewhere (he didn't mention the word marriage, but given the context of the conversation this is what I assumed he meant). I know, I know, never assume!
> 
> So fast forward a year and his cousin is engaged and planning his wedding. My bf went off on this tangent to his brother/other family members about what a mistake marriage is and how he hoped his cousin didn't go through with it blah blah blah. I didn't say anything at the time as I didn't feel it was appropriate in front of his family members/our friends. That night, I asked him if he really felt that way and he said yes. I responded that I knew that he had some reservations due to his parents nasty divorce, but from conversations we had had I assumed that he was open to the idea. I also said that he knew marriage and children were important to me, although maybe not in my immediate future, and I needed to know if he was totally against those things and that he could have some time to think about it. He said that maybe we could have a domestic partnership??
> 
> ...


How sad that your boyfriend doesn't believe in marriage. You were not wrong to assume he wanted to marry you, since marriage and engagement is often the next step.

If he won't marry you, you will have to move on. You do not deserve to live your life resenting him. If your man can't give you what you need, it's better to cut your losses.

I understand that he may be a bit scared after seeing his parent's acrimonious divorce. Adult children of divorce are more likely to get divorced themselves. It is so tragic that your boyfriend is allowing his childhood to dictate his future. 

My parents have a very warped and abusive marriage. I attend therapy to get past my mistrust and I read everything I can get my hands on about healthy marriages. I also take our unique situation in account; we are interracial couple and we are childfree. I take whatever advice makes sense to me and I listen to people on TAM who are respectful. Infidelity was common and accepted in my family; I carefully guard my interactions with men and I stay away from dudes who do not respect that I am a wife.

Your boyfriend is obviously not interested in doing the emotional work to resolve his commitment issues. He also clearly does not wish to marry you. Don't sell yourself short; move on and find a man who wants to give you what you deserve.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> Get the book "He's just not that into you"...it was a complete life saver for me. It taught me that I was getting exactly what I was asking for from the men in my life. I jumped from ****ty relationship, to ****ty relationship for over 20 years, before I finally said enough is enough! And it was all my own fault! These men were showing/telling me exactly what they were like. When they would say stuff like "I don't want to get married/have kids/whatever" that is EXACTLY the truth! They weren't lying, they were actually being truthful, yet I put up with crap like this time and time again, waiting around to see if the subject man would change his mind! Why would he, though, if I was willing to put up with "I don't want to marry you"?
> 
> When I had finally had enough of all the BS, I finally raised the bar for myself, expected MORE out of the men I dated. I became far more selective and picky, and finally, someone came into my life just about a year ago, and we're getting married this September, and he's pretty great. I mean, we all have our issues and baggage (especially us, we're both in our 40's) but nothing major, and I love that he wants to marry and take care of me.
> 
> Don't be afraid to ask for what you want...if you ask for nothing, chances are that's exactly what you'll get...!


:iagree::iagree::smthumbup::smthumbup:

I love that book! I was a huge SATC fan before those god awful movies. :rofl:

That book said that if a man loves you, he will marry you because he wants to show his commitment. 

My husband and I had break ups while we were dating. I dated one other man during that time. This fool only wanted to see me once a week and after we went to bed, he told me that he didn't want to be in a relationship, but keep seeing me. :rofl:
I told the wannabe player to call an escort and went back to my then boyfriend.

Smartest. Choice. Ever.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> For me it was a dealbreaker. I was in love with someone before my husband. He didn't want the whole marriage, kids, house in the burbs lifestyle and I did. I stayed in the relationship for quite a while (years) before finally accepting the inevitable and moving on.
> 
> The irony of it was as I was leaving he then changed his mind but it was too late. I'd already emotionally left.


:iagree: Mr.G had commitment issues while we were dating. He would break up with me and then come begging back in a week. I started dating others and told him to call me when he grew up. I wasn't going to return unless I saw that Mr.G was truly ready to commit. I also let my then boyfriend know that I expected maturity from an older gentleman. "You are in your 35. You are not 20. How can you let your 8 years younger girlfriend be more mature than you???"

He asked me to move in and I told him that I wanted to be engaged if I was shacking up. I refused to get stuck in the cohabitation trap of stupid women, who wait 10 years for a ring and never get it. We were engaged within two months of moving in. I had to put my foot down and realize that I deserved a true commitment.


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## bunnybear (Jan 13, 2011)

I was with a guy for 5 yrs who didn't want to get married but I lived with him. He knew I believed in marriage so he considered being engaged w/ me and making me expect that he'll marry me in the future but it never happened. I wanted to get married coz I didn't want to live w/ someone like we're already married but it's going nowhere. He gave me everything I wanted, lavish me with expensive gifts,etc. but that wasn't what I really wanted in a relationship and I wasn't comfortable living like a married couple but not married and I knew that the engagement ring that he gave me was just a piece of jewerly for him for me to wear. I've realized that he wasn't for me long before the 5th yr. of our relationship was over as I've realized that if we ever end up getting married for sure it'd be a total mistake as it was only my idea not his. He was only doing it so I'd stay with him. I moved out and just left everything, really everything (all my stuff, jewerly, etc.) and started all over again. After the break up, I wasn't planning to rush to get married ever to any guy. I've dated a few and became very picky as I felt I've wasted already 5 yrs of my life w/ just 1 guy. 2 yrs later, I got married to guy who's madly inlove with me Hope u make the right decision too


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## johnboy63 (May 2, 2011)

I'm going to repeat something I always say... why ruin a great relationship with marriage? Be with me because you want to, not because a piece of paper says you have to!


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