# I screwed up - A lesson for others



## Imnotlost (Nov 1, 2015)

Yes, I cheated. That is my shame and my sin. It was inexcusable and I have admitted that to both myself, God, and my wife of 27 years. I have promised to both Him and her that I would not see the other woman for as long as I am married. That is my repentance, if you will. But, without the backstory, there is little context. And while I doubt my experience is unique, I still need to share it because I’ve put myself into one hell of a conundrum. So, first the backstory – 
I am in an interracial marriage. My wife is Filipino, and I was in the Navy when I met her. Our marriage was defined by our children, both boys. She was and is a wonderful loving mother and we both devoted ourselves fully to raising them as a married couple. We had some serious challenges along the way as most couples do. One was our cultural difference which although wasn’t a direct threat, it was always a factor. Our language barrier didn’t help, but we never applied the extra effort needed to establish a strong line of communication. We more often misunderstood the other’s meaning and many misunderstandings and arguments got swept under the rug. The more serious challenge was her gambling addiction. Together we were able to keep it under control, but there were always periods of turbulence when she would get in a bad rut and strain our financial situation severely. Thankfully, she never let it get entirely out of hand, but there were a few times that I was literally ready to call it quits. But, the one thing we always had going for each other was our boys. I made the promise early on that I would never leave them or her like my father had when I was 14. I knew the importance of children needing both of their parents, as did she. And to this day I am SO glad that I stuck it out and that we committed ourselves to our family, and I will never regret that. 
But once the boys grew and moved away, she felt (and often said) how she felt as though she had no purpose, and how lonely and empty the house felt. I am aware of the “empty nest” feeling that mothers get, but this was far worse and never seemed to get better. Perhaps it was because her culture held the family unit very close and many Filipino families have multiple generations under the same roof, so she yearned for the same thing for us, which clashed with my American culture. Regardless, we now had time on our hands together and found that we had never had common things we enjoyed doing aside from things with the boys. We each had hobbies, neither of which the other liked. I detested gambling because of the strife it had caused and she didn’t like computer gaming because I would get so immersed. Sadly, instead of working these issues out, we spent time in our own hobbies until they seemed to become a way of life. To make matters worse, I oftentimes had to work opposite shifts from hers. But as many weekends as not, she would spend most of Friday and Saturday night with her friends gambling, and there were many times she would be gone overnight. I never thought she ever cheated (she is a much better person than me in that sense), but eventually I realized that I could not find company in a computer game and was actually very lonely and unhappy. It didn’t help that I am an introvert and didn’t have any close friends to confide in. There were problems with intimacy as well, and I was doubting my own abilities in that regard. But the fact of the matter is we were both complacent and took each other for granted – and I grew increasingly desperate for companionship. I found myself in a very bad place and looking for someone else. I reached out to someone that I had empathy for, as she had for me. I don’t know if it was because we were both lonely, or I was just desperate, but the fact of the matter is, we formed a very strong friendship with each other. This friendship flourished into the strongest bond I have ever experienced in my life. I have never felt that connected to another human, EVER. We both listened to and absorbed one another’s problems, and experiences – both good and bad, without judging each other. And because of the strong mental bond we shared, the carnal relationship progressed into a full-blown romantic one that captured both of our hearts. As this affair progressed, we both felt it taking a toll on our consciences. I, like a fool, believed my wife would never catch on because she seemed so tuned out of our marriage. We still discussed cutting off the relationship but couldn’t come to a mutual understanding because I wanted to be able to maintain our strong friendship. This woman had gone through a tremendous amount of loss and turmoil just in the few months I had known her and I felt she needed me for moral support. But she said she could not separate the carnal relationship from the platonic one. She never asked or expected me to leave my wife for her, but told me she thought my happiness was important. I told her that my wife has always been dependent on me and very insecure in our relationship – even when it was solid. I also said that I still loved her (and still do), and care for her well-being and could never abandon her because I had promised her I wouldn’t leave her like my father had left my mother and us. I told her I would forsake my happiness, and sadly hers for that of my wife, because no matter what, she didn’t deserve what we were doing. She agreed and also said that she would support whatever decision I made, whether it be to try to rebuild my marriage or not. Well, in the process of this, the affair was discovered. And regardless of what we discussed or were trying, it was all dust in the wind. 

My guilt for the pain I am causing doesn’t fix anything. The damage is done. Regardless of the problems in our marriage, I have managed to destroy the trust my wife had in me. We have talked more in the past 25 days than we have ever talked in our 27 years of marriage. Some talks have been calm and meaningful, many have been utterly heartwrenching, and yet others filled with righteous rage. She has acknowledged our shortcomings and problems and tried to apologize for them, which really made me feel like a piece of ****. Her gambling addiction was one thing, but everything else was on both of us – and what I did was no excuse for any of it. I’ve told her that I would never blame her for not trusting me again nor did I expect her to ever forgive me, because I would never be able to forgive myself. However, I have prayed for forgiveness from God and have vowed to repent. I will not see the other woman for as long as I am married. The truly sad thing is, while I think I can forget her as a lover, I will never be able to forget her as a friend. Yet I cannot maintain that friendship or my wife will never heal. Worse, my wife knows this woman has my heart. I have told my wife that I still love her (and I do), and am committed to taking care of her and loving her as much as I can, despite being in love with another. Neither of us have been through anything like this before. Our marriage was a husk after our boys left. We never built the foundation needed to endure that one thing we had in common once it was gone. Now we don’t seem to have anything to rebuild on, but I still owe her what love remains for her, as well as my support. I don’t know what the future holds, but I told her that regardless, I would still always love her and take care of her whether we separated or not. 

Let this be a lesson to anyone in a marriage. Don’t EVER take your spouse for granted or let your relationship coast. A marriage takes work – continuous work. And if you don’t take or make the time to build that foundation based on true friendship, you may find only a fragile shell when whatever brought you together is gone. Second, DON’T CHEAT. At least give your spouse the chance to have his/her say. I knew I couldn’t talk to mine about our issues – I had tried. But if you become so desperate that you feel the need to find someone else, TELL YOUR SPOUSE. If nothing else, it will be a wake-up call and you can decide together what to do from that point. Please let my experience be a lesson, and I hope that anyone else who has been through this can provide some insight or suggestions as to how my wife and I can manage to get through this somehow.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Thank you for sharing your story. It is great advice. I hope you and your wife are able to repair your relationship. <3


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