# Doomed From the Get-go?



## Hindenburg (Jun 22, 2013)

So. I'm considering ending my marriage after 11 yrs. I have and continue to toil with this decision for some time. How did I get here.. well I'll lay out some of the reasons...

Where to start...

Family intervention (not in a good way). When my SO and I moved in together (prior to being married) my mother went crazy. See I was raised in a religious (Christian home), so my parents saw my SO and I living together as sacrilege. This eventually led to one night when my mom crossed the line. She came to my house, after being told not to and that I wouldn't answer the door if she did. She came anyway and practically banged the door down until my neighbor call the cops. So that incident so early on in my relationship (now marriage) was the catalyst to a non-existent relationship (initiated and perpetrated by my SO, my parents want a relationship with her) between my parents and my SO. This non-existent relationship also extends to my only sister. My SO wants’ nothing to do with any of them unless there is something for her to gain. There are many, many other examples that I could fill a novel with. My SO has, since then, continued to say negative things regarding my family. Nothing completely vulgar, just little snide comments whenever possible. 

What's next.

Spousal intimacy: SEX (yes please). Well it doesn't exist in my marriage and hasn't since almost day one. When we were dating it was like rabbits, which is my typical pace (daily). Soon after we married (within months) she became so completely uninterested its mind boggling to me. I'm not completely off the hook here either. She feels that I am too smothering. I'm a touchy feely person (with my SO only). I like to hug, kiss her, apparently too much. It's to the point now that she sees me coming and cringes. So, I’m trying to make a conscious effort to stop altogether. It's hard though. I realize that this could contribute to the lack of sex, but, sex only 5 time in the past two years can't be only me causing that. When we do (should say did) have sex, when she climaxed, it's game over. Sex is done. I'm left to either writhe in frustration or take care of myself. And yes she usually climaxed fist. I should note that we haven't had sex since at least before thanksgiving 2011. 

Next Money, house hold chores and general stuff

Money is an issue. My SO is an accountant. Enough said. CONTROL CONTROL CONTROL. 

So. I cook, clean, take care of the pups and everything else. I honestly feel like i'm a child. My SO is always telling me what to do. She will sit on the couch and tell me to clean. every day. I do what I can as one person in the time i have after work, but it's never enough. There have been times (and still sometimes are) that she will ask me repeatedly for weeks to do something. Its usually something mundane that doesn't need immediate attention but I will not do it. Sometimes it's out of spite, and I feel like i'm rebelling a little when i don't do it. You know, like, "you can't tell me what to do woman". (not that i've ever said that, just think it). This has been ongoing since day one. 

Not only do i take care of 90% of the things around the house, but she asks me for EVERYTHING! (she doesn’t really ask anymore) It started as "can you get me a drink", then, "get me a drink", now "I'm thirsty". She trained me and i allowed it to happen. You could replace "drink" with just about anything else. There is even this, which is embarrassing to admit, but I put her pajamas on her every night like a child. I have tried not to before and she gets mad. Occasionally, she will fall asleep in her clothes and i'll just leave her there. She is a very grumpy (child like grumpy) person if you wake her up.

So that's probably enough to clue you in to what i'm dealing with. I'm at my wits end. I can't deal with this anymore. I feel like I love her, but i'm not even sure I really know what that means anymore. I told myself 5 years ago, i didn't want to wake up at 40 and hate my life, but that's exactly where i'm headed if i don't get out of this or if it doesn't change.

Yes we have tried MC twice. each time the counselor gave us tasks to do and we never did. so needless to say we never really addressed any issues.

I welcome anyone’s thoughts or advice.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Time to get out no kids get out now this is bad in so many ways.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Hindenburg said:


> So. I'm considering ending my marriage after 11 yrs. I have and continue to toil with this decision for some time. How did I get here.. well I'll lay out some of the reasons...
> 
> Where to start...
> 
> ...


You already know what your problem is. Are you going to retrain her?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If you're not going to do the counseling exercises, you can't really say you've tried counseling. It's not like getting demerits taken off your drivers license just by sleeping through a defensive driving class. 

I don't see why you think you're in love with her. Are there any good aspects to your relationship?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hindenburg (Jun 22, 2013)

PBear said:


> Are there any good aspects to your relationship?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have always been an athletic person. Running, swimming, crossfit and the like. about a year ago, she started to become interested in these things as well. We have been doing crossfit together and more recently started running together. So that's good. 

We do have our laughs and whatnot. But the overwhelming majoirty of the time is just her telling me what to do and nagging the life outta me. and continuing with what I wrote earlier.


----------



## psychedelicately (Jun 11, 2013)

You enable her behavior by continuing to put up with all of this. Why do you do 90% of the household chores? You both work, so the cooking and cleaning should be divided 50/50. 

Stop getting her drinks and putting on her pajamas! Stick up for yourself. If she gets mad about it, let her. Don't engage when she is mad. I'm not sure but maybe this all contributes to the sex problem... maybe you are too much of a 'nice guy'? 

Best of luck.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Yep I think you need to read no more mr. niceguy asap.


----------



## Hindenburg (Jun 22, 2013)

I've tried the no more mr niceguy before. Here is what it got me. She had to go on a trip for work. It was a short 3 day trip to another city about 1/2 way across the country. So, it came to the night before to pack. She wanted me to help her. Fine. I'll help. You go pick your outfits and i'll pack your suitcase. That sounded like helping to me. But nope. She wanted my advise, no no, me to pick, her outfits. I have no clue about that stuff. I wear a uniform everyday and when i'm not wearing that, its jeans and t-shirt most of the time. So figuring out what a woman want's to wear on a work trip just blows my mind. No clue. 

So i tell her that I have no idea and She needs to pick her outfits. I'm going to go cook dinner and i'll be back to help you pack. So what happens. I leave the room and go to the kitchen and I hear this crying coming from upstaris. I go up and she is in the bed crying. She said she has nothing to wear. At this point I get mad (i mean she wears clothes to work everyday, WTH?). I tell her to get in the closet (walki-in) and find something. I go back to the kitchen. Next thing i hear is things smashing and crashing. She had taken almost all her clothes off the rack and thrown them around her closet. She destroyed two shoe racks and in the process cut her hand so blood is now on the door and carpet. I freak out and almost loose it but maintain my compsure and get her bandaged up and nicely explain to her that i want to help i just can't pick out her clothes for her. So by the time she calmed down and got her stuff toghether it was 2 am. This all started around 9pm. She went on her trip and I drank while she was gone. This is the kind of crap i deal with when i'm not mr. niceguy.


----------



## psychedelicately (Jun 11, 2013)

That is not what no more mr. nice guy is all about. You still offered to help her pack (she is perfectly capable of packing her own suitcase and picking out her own outfits) and cooked dinner while she cried because you didn't know what clothes to choose for her. 

So what you're saying is if you don't do everything she wants, she cries and breaks things. You are married to a child.

Why are you still with her? What could possibly make you want to stay at this point?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sorry, but that was nothing like "no more mr. nice guy". Not by any stretch. You should have left her to deal with her stuff right from the start. Left the room if you had to. As soon as you started playing her game, you were doomed to lose. 

But you've been training her for 11 years on how to manipulate you... It's going to be a tough slog to turn it around. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hindenburg (Jun 22, 2013)

PBear said:


> Sorry, but that was nothing like "no more mr. nice guy". Not by any stretch. You should have left her to deal with her stuff right from the start. Left the room if you had to. As soon as you started playing her game, you were doomed to lose.
> 
> But you've been training her for 11 years on how to manipulate you... It's going to be a tough slog to turn it around.
> 
> ...


Apparently I don't know what "no more mr nice guy" means. Can one of you enlighten me?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## psychedelicately (Jun 11, 2013)

You should read the book as soon as possible. 

No More Mr Nice Guy: Robert A. Glover: 9780762415335: Amazon.com: Books


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Also look at the book "Married Mans Sex Life Primer". It's not just about sex. The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books

Even if you decide that this relationship isn't worth saving, you run the risk of repeating your mistakes in the next one, unless you learn what they are.

C


----------



## VeggieMom (Jun 25, 2013)

Oh wow. I am in a dysfunctional marriage and am choosing to stay for now . . . and even I am telling you that you need to get out fast. The example of the packing for the trip-- you really, really need to get out. You have no kids so you can make a clean break of it. This is abuse and manipulation, and I hope you can find a way to tell yourself you don't deserve to be treated like that anymore and you are leaving. Go find an apartment pronto.


----------



## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

No children?

Get out of this marriage and find a woman who knows how to be a wife.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You seem to know everythng you are doing wrong.

What are you looking for help with?


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Your wife is extremely controlling & emotionally abusive to you.

She may have a personality disorder (BPD) or bipolar. Only a trained professional can dx.

The packing tantrum is WAY over the top.

I would be afraid of her too.


----------



## Hindenburg (Jun 22, 2013)

psychedelicately said:


> You should read the book as soon as possible.
> 
> No More Mr Nice Guy: Robert A. Glover: 9780762415335: Amazon.com: Books


So i started reading this book today. i'm 70 pages in and think that most of it describes me to a T. I'm thinking, I can do some of these things to better myself and how i come across to my SO. My problem with this is (I think) in order for me to be successful doing what this book suggests, i need a supportive SO. I'm pretty sure i don't have that. So, i'm EXTREEMLY hesitant to even mention the fact that i'm reading this book, let alone implement what is suggests. I wan't to do it, but i just feel like she won't be supportive at all. The book even suggests that your SO should read the book as well. I KNOW she wont do that.


----------



## Hindenburg (Jun 22, 2013)

psychedelicately said:


> You should read the book as soon as possible.
> 
> No More Mr Nice Guy: Robert A. Glover: 9780762415335: Amazon.com: Books


I started reading this book today. I'm about 70 pages in and thinking that it describes me! Holy crap. I had no idea. I'm also thinking that in order for some/most of these ideas and practices to better myself in my current relationship would require a supportive SO. Which i'm relativley sure I don't have. There is no way she would read this book. I'm not even sure I could tell her I'm reading it, let alone try some of the things it suggests without the converstaion devolving into some rediculous argument. So, while insiteful and I'll finsih reading. I'm not sure where to go from there.


----------



## Hindenburg (Jun 22, 2013)

psychedelicately said:


> You should read the book as soon as possible.
> 
> No More Mr Nice Guy: Robert A. Glover: 9780762415335: Amazon.com: Books


so I started reading this book. It's upsetting to admit, but it describes me and just about everything I'm going through. I can see myself working on this issue but i'm not so sure my SO will be supportive. The book recommends that she read it too. She wouldn't read it or be supportive because in her mind if i'm not doing something she wants me to do then i'm just wasting valuable time. I could be cleaning or doing some other house hold chore. 

So how do I proceed with self improvement geared toward improving my relationship when the other party is uninterested or non-supportive?


----------



## Hindenburg (Jun 22, 2013)

test


----------



## Hindenburg (Jun 22, 2013)

for whatever reason my reply's are not showing up. I think I got it to work now. so...

I started reading the no more mr nice guy book today. It's upsetting to admit, but it does describe me to almost exacting detail. My question is how do I proceed to self improvement geared toward improving my relationship with a SO who is not interested or non-supportive of the idea/process? This is a preemptive question as I have yet to tell her that i'm reading the book. I know that she will just say something to the effect of, that's good, read the book, but do you know how many books you have started and not finished. My point is she will find someway to make a negative comment about it.


----------



## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Hindenburg, why on earth would you tell her you are reading the book? Just read it and do what it says.

Several people on here have told you to leave her. But she is not the whole problem. It seems to me that you share half the blame. If you leave her without fixing yourself, in a few years from now you will find yourself in the same relationship only the wife will have a different name.

You need to learn boundaries, more specifically, where yours are. You also need to learn to let your wife deal with her own consequences. She is a big girl. If one of my kids behaved the way your wife did about having to pack her own cloths, they would have had to leave on the trip with an empty suit case and bandage their own hand. In addition to that, the mess they made would still be there when they got back home.


----------



## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Your problem is you, not her. If you marry a crocodile, you can list out all the problems you are having with them but it comes down to the fact you married the wrong species.

You can only change yourself. Prior to marriage there would have been more red flags than you mentioned here. You got a bait-and-switch with this one, but there are generally signs you can recognize next time. 

First things first. Leave.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Dear God, don't tell her you're reading the book! 

Have you ever done any individual counseling? Considered it? As the past two posters have come out and said, you're at least half the problem. Leaving this mess without resolving your own issues will simply pack up your luggage to be unpacked at the next stop. Start focusing on dealing with your issues. If you need to leave her to do it, go ahead. But that's not the long term solution.

C


----------



## Hindenburg (Jun 22, 2013)

I would totally consider individual counseling; however, I think the only way for me to get my own issues under control is to address them as a single man. I don't see any way that I can begin to fix myself without her casting some negative shadow over my efforts. 

I really want to leave, but feel like I can't right now. She is studying for her CPA exams and i'm doing everything else. Not to mention the fact that I have nowhere else to go. I can't afford an extended hotel stay nor an apartment. 

I think i'm going to wait till we move at the end of the year. (we are scheduled to move at that time because of my job). The possibility exits that I could get a station where I could go alone and leave her here. I think that would make a good time for a clean break. I just have to make it to the end of the year. I'm gonna go crazy I think.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

If that is what you want to do, start planning for it now. Finish reading the book (dont tell her you're reading it), start implementing the changes within yourself. Then, tell her what your plan is. She can either pull her head out of her butt and start being your wife, and not your dictator, or she can start making her own plan on where to live, etc, once the end of the year comes.


----------

