# I have a abusive husband and i dont know what to do



## AhThaMarriedLife (Jan 30, 2011)

Me and my husband have been together for 4 almost 5 yrs and been married for only 4 months all he started being abusive about 4 months into the relationship and i was young and dumb and always shrugged it off then we had a beautiful baby boy who btw is 2 now he went to jail last yr for domestic violence when he started getting real bad. all my family and friends just ignore it and say its my business he humiliates me treats me like i am nothing its kills me that someone i love and put so much into a marriage for can just act like that towards me. the reason i have stuck with him so long is when he was younger his dad abused his mom and he was abused he has had a very hard life and every one has gave up on him i dont want to give up i just dont know how much longer i can take the physical and emotional abuse..

(he only get that way when he drinks) and also its kind of like he goes threw phases of his abusiveness


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## AhThaMarriedLife (Jan 30, 2011)

i just don't know if i should stay and work it out or just give up already its kind of like a viscous cycle i just need some advice or someone to talk to about it


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Unless he is willing to give up the alcohol (either by himself or through a treatment program) and also get therapy for his anger issue, you have no choice but to leave. Find a women's shelter in your area, and run, since your family doesn't seem to be much help. Since he was also abused as a child, he may soon turn on your son...do you want to wait for that to happen?


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

You need to think about what is best for you and you son. He was already arrested for domestic violence, why continue to put yourself and child in harms way? I don't care if he is only like that when he drinks, he can end up killing you and or your son. Don't think for one minute it can not happen. 

I'm sure your self esteem is shot. Most people who live with abusers, their self esteem usually is. Which makes it more difficult for you to see clearly. I can not believe your family/friends are shrugging this off saying its your business. Abuse is everyones business. You need to seek help ASAP. Take what he is doing as serious as you can. IMO you need to take your son and get somewhere safe. Love him all day long, but love him afar. Love isn't abusive and love isn't staying with someone just because you don't know how to get out , or because you have a child and history together.


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

I'm very sorry you're going through this.



AhThaMarriedLife said:


> its kind of like he goes threw phases of his abusiveness


This is exactly right. It's called the cycle of abuse. Check out the information at this link

The Cycle of Abuse | Domestic Violence Wheel | Emotionally Battered Women

The cycle does not stop, and over time it intensifies. The worst thing of it is (and your husband is living proof) it does not end with the couple in question. Your son could very well learn abusive behaviours and continue the cycle. You need to get off this ferris wheel you're on before irreparable damage is done to you and your son. If your family or friends are not supportive there are many free organisations that will be. You are not alone. Don't feel like you're 'giving up' on anything. By exiting from this unhealthy situation you are not giving up on yourself and your son.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

You know what? For a second, let's take you out of the equation. Not that you aren't key in all of this, but I know that when so much has already happened and with all the history in your relationship, it's sometimes easier to think about the other people involved in this. So here goes:

1. Your son. Family violence is generational. Do you really want to wait around until your husband has a chance to abuse your son emotionally or physically too?

2. Even more--do you want your son to grow up thinking that this is how men treat women? Do you want to be the mother of a wife-beater?

3. Your husband. It's terrible that he was abused as a child. No kid should go through that. But we are all accountable for who we are as adults. If he were an alcoholic, he'd still have to make the choice to stop drinking. What has he done to stop abusing?

4. For the record, I worked in a family violence agency for about 4 years. It's not common to see men go to jail. Probation, yes. Offenders counseling, yes. Jail was pretty rare. If your husband spent more than a night or a weekend in jail, he must have either quite a history in the system, or have done something pretty serious to you. Please, please, please take it as serious as the D.A. and police did.

There are so many options and paths you can take right now. Feel free to PM me if you want some ideas for resources that could be available. If you haven't been in contact with the Victim services office in your county or your local domestic violence agency, they are a great place to start no matter what your plans for the future are. If you don't know where or how to contact the agency in your area, you can call the national domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit their website at National Domestic Violence Hotline to get a referral to the agency and resources in your area.

Any way you go, it's a good idea to think for the future to plan for ways to make sure you and your son can be safe when things escalate with your husband again. That's the most important thing.

Take care--


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So...because your husband was abused, you think it's ok to let your CHILD be abused?

Leave the guy. 

Show some strength and dignity. You are smarter than this.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I feel you want to give him the benefit of the doubt b/c he was abused as a child. I'm not quite sure what you mean by "everyone gave up on him". If you're talking past relationships, I can see why. He has given up on himself, by not getting the help he likely knows (by now) he should get. 

Please read everything you can about abusive men. Google that power and control wheel that loren was talking about. It explains the cycle of violence that you live with. You are NOT alone in this. Many, many (too many) women are dealing with the same thing you are. The more you read and understand, the closer you get to being able to do something about it. You have to know that HE is not unique. His situation is not much different than many other men who abuse. 

If you left, I honestly wouldn't see this as "giving up". More like taking back the control over your own life, and your destination IN life. Just b/c you understand, doesn't mean you have to tolerate.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

First off, I'm sorry this is happening. Second, its best you and your son get to a safe place. If you do not have any friends or family that will let you stay with them for awhile, then take yourself and son to a shelter. Look into the link(s) that was provided for you.

Nothing ticks me more than someone that is an abuser! It also makes me sad that there are people who actually stay with an abuser, for whatever reason. I'm sure there are tons of reasons in their minds to stay. Abuse in any form is not ok. You need to tell yourself this over and over again. Its not ok to be hit, yelled at, or whatever is going on. 

I also understand you may take pity on him, because of what happened to him. However, as an adult he had and still has a choice. A choice to get help for what he is doing and learn to deal with his past, or he can continued to be a victim of what happened to him and keep the abusive cycle going, which is what he is doing right now.

Its not your fault he was abused, its not your fault he is abusing you. People need to be held accountable for their actions. Don't let yourself or your child be his punching bag for his issues. Take a stand!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Another thing to realize is that, if you DO want to help him, you have control over that. YOU have what he wants - you and your child. If he wants to keep that, it will require that you and your child LEAVE and then give him the requirements for you returning. 

Those requirements will include him going to weekly therapy for his abusive tendencies. Then, after a year or two, MAYBE he'll have invested himself in getting better and it will be safe to go back to him.

So, you see, YOU have the ability to do the one most important thing FOR him - giving him a reason to change.


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## AhThaMarriedLife (Jan 30, 2011)

i Thank all of you for your advice and help we were laying in bed last night got in a argument and he started hitting me in front of my son and i told him to leave i packed his stuff and told him he has to be out by today its going to be really hard for me because i love him but when he did that last night and my son started crying cause he was scared it really made me realize that i dont deserve this and my son definitely not i tryed to tell him that if he moved out for a while and went and got help and maybe got medicine or talked to a therapist that maybe we could work it out and all he keeps saying is that if he walked out the door hes not coming back


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's him trying to still manipulate you. Ignore it. It's all BS attempt at controlling you.

You're smarter and stronger than that.

If he wants back, he will have HIGH hoops to jump through, most importantly getting to a psychologist and going to weekly sessions for AT LEAST 6 months before you'll even consider seeing him again.

And get something done legally to ensure he has to pay child support.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. You need to go to the police station and file a battery charge against him. It doesn't mean he will go to jail or anything, but it DOES protect you if he ever hurts you again.

They HAVE to have a history in their books.


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## AhThaMarriedLife (Jan 30, 2011)

my only problem with that is we share a car which he pays for mostly cause i just have a little waitressing job making like 100 a week and i will be stuck with out a car not enough money to pay my bills i just don't know how i am going to do it on my own any advice ?


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

Take some self defense classes learn how to protect your self. Show him that your not afraid of him, make him know the with three numbers 911 his world is upside down. He assumes he can push you around but you have more power than him all you need to do is dial. I know it's a hard thing to do because of the consequences money, time, missed work, months of classes but that same slap/punch that puts the fear in you needs to be put into him.

Tough love, a dose of his own medicine or what every you want to call it. You need to do it because he will not stop until you stop him.


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## AhThaMarriedLife (Jan 30, 2011)

TURNERA he has already had a domestic abuse charge on him they said if he gets one more he will go to jail for 2 yrs i took pictures of my face i don't know if that will even help to get any kind of thing against him


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

AhThaMarriedLife said:


> TURNERA he has already had a domestic abuse charge on him they said if he gets one more he will go to jail for 2 yrs i took pictures of my face i don't know if that will even help to get any kind of thing against him


Yep press charges, show the pics. You are not doing him any favors by not letting the police know. Its not your fault he may go to jail. He doesn't have one, but two domestic abuse charges against him, and now maybe a third! Thats on him, not you. I think its wonderful he left, he needs t stay gone until he gets some intensive help. If he goes to jail then maybe with that and some counseling he can turn his life around. As for you and your son, you both should move on. 

The car thing I'm not sure about. Do you have any friends and family that can help you out?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Heck YEAH press charges!

I assume you're in the US? Then go to United Way and find your closest office and call them. Explain your situation and ask them to help you get on your feet. That's what United Way is there for.


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## BoardNMom (Jan 10, 2011)

TNgirl232 said:


> Unless he is willing to give up the alcohol (either by himself or through a treatment program) and also get therapy for his anger issue, you have no choice but to leave. Find a women's shelter in your area, and run, since your family doesn't seem to be much help. Since he was also abused as a child, he may soon turn on your son...do you want to wait for that to happen?


:iagree:


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

AhThaMarriedLife said:


> my only problem with that is we share a car which he pays for mostly cause i just have a little waitressing job making like 100 a week and i will be stuck with out a car not enough money to pay my bills i just don't know how i am going to do it on my own any advice ?


There are a LOT of resources out there for you. Seriously, seriously, seriously: contact a family violence agency in your area. They can help you with the police report, or at least with your options regarding that. They can help you access all kinds of services that (as I recall) you can get expedited access to as a crime/family violence victim. Things like child care vouchers, housing assistance, food stamps. They know where the other resources in the community are---they help people in just this situation do just this very thing and to do it successfully.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

AhThaMarriedLife said:


> TURNERA he has already had a domestic abuse charge on him they said if he gets one more he will go to jail for 2 yrs i took pictures of my face i don't know if that will even help to get any kind of thing against him


Oh, and yes, pictures will absolutely be accepted by police in making a report, by a judge in requesting a protection order--all of them will acknowledge that kind of evidence. But by far the best thing to do would be to go today (I'm assuming the bruises are from last night?) and make a report or else at least see what your options are and you can also have pictures done by a third party that will date them and document them like other types of evidence gets documented.

It's a lot to think about and can be really overwhelming, I know--but it's so great that you're doing all of this!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Let us know you're ok, please.


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

GET OUT! I was in this kind of relationship. If he won't get help for this then leave him now. It will not get better it will only get worse and more times then not he will either end up killing you our your child. GET OUT! Call the police and file a report. You and your child deserve so much better then this. If you dont do this for yourself do it for your son. You don't want him to grow up and treat woman that way.


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