# Single girlfriend



## lolly53 (Jul 19, 2013)

Hi! I have a single girlfriend who wants me to be going places with her. My husband says I am a married person and that I shouldnt be taking off two or three times and week with her. She says I dont look happy with my husband and I should divorce him. She puts alot of thoughts in my head. Please help me. I dont know what to do. Thanks!


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

lolly53 said:


> Hi! I have a single girlfriend who wants me to be going places with her. My husband says I am a married person and that I shouldnt be taking off two or three times and week with her. She says I dont look happy with my husband and I should divorce him. She puts alot of thoughts in my head. Please help me. I dont know what to do. Thanks!


Thats what single people do.

Listen to your husband. Single people usually are the devil for marrieds. They look at life differently, it's all about their own pleasure, they don't concern about the others.

By the way, two or three times a week with a single person is WAY too much... It will feel like fun if she pulls you over, it will be selfish fun eventually at your husbands expense.

View it like the single lady is trying to pull you over to her.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

lolly53 said:


> She puts alot of thoughts in my head.


What are *your* thoughts? Are you happy?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are you and your husband? How long have you been married? Do you have any children?

There are a few things to address in your post. 

She says that you look unhappy with your husband. If you are unhappy in your marriage, or you are not sure if you are happy or not, get into counseling. Individual counseling is probably where you need to start. 

Are you happy in your marriage? What do you think? What your friend things does not matter.

I also suggest that you read the books “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”. These are a good way to start exploring how to have a better marriage.

Do not discuss your marriage with your girlfriends. It’s a HUGE disrespect to your husband for you to do this. If you have marital issues, talk to a counselor. That’s a safe place to do it. 

Your friend is already showing bias against your marriage. You should only have friends who are friends of your marriage. 

Took keep the love alive in your marriage, you and our husband need to spend at least 15 hours a week together, just the two of you, doing date like things together.

How much time are you spending alone with your husband? Make sure you get the 15 hours a week with him. Only after that can you even consider going out with friends. I agree with the others, single friends can be very bad for a marriage. Going out with your friend sounds like a really bad idea because she does not value and respect your husband and your marriage.

Think of this, how would you feel if your husband had a friend who talked about you the way she talks about him? How would you feel if his friends were trying to get him to divorce you?


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

If your friend was singing the praises of your H and telling you how fantasic he was I guess some would say that shes into him in a big way. The fact you are married to him and not her should tell you that hes not for her and more than that with her constant critic of him I suggest that theres an element of gree-eye monster going on here because you, yto her seem very happy and comfortable. 

Whn a single frind is pushing you to have a single life away from a partner then you and can set the clock running before something will happen that will put the marridge under strain. As a married person you can have married and single friends, thats normal. But when you start acting single (and by your statemetn you HAVE) then its fair and reasonable for your H to step forward and say so. Incredit he has made mention to this. It does not appear he went over the top and caused a domestic situation but he is telling you, you ARE stepping over the acceptable line. Elegirl make some good positive points there and I support those. We all have to change out attitude and life style to a degree when marrying. Youve made a committment under oath to be true to your H and your H only, not to your H and your single friend as well. I suggest some togther time with your H is in much need ot being undertaken and perhaps some thought about what he's feeling just might be happening to his marridge. Walk a day in his shoes and wonder how you'd feel if hes out with single guys as often as you are with your friend


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I think your H is right. Also, unless you really are unhappy with your H, it doesn't sound like your friend is healthy for your marriage...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I had a GF who started hanging out with a single friend A LOT (they reconnected after years -used to be good friends in high school)... it caused contention in her marriage, it got to the point the GF was telling her her husband wasn't a good man, didn't care about her since he wasn't getting things done around the house...he was a FARMER and worked very hard and long hours....so every little complaint the wife had...the GF built on it... magnified it....

The husband had to step in on these 2 -cause it was really pulling the affection from the marriage... this GF was being called an "AUNT" , when she started disciplining her kids like they were her own, He finally stepped in...he was pretty upset with her handling....and the wife was on his side in this....it tumbled their relationship... I've been friends with both since high school... so I got to hear both sides of this story... 

But anyway...if the GF is sucking you away from your husband, planting ideas in your head....it needs to END...or you get a handle on yourself and limit your time with her... 

If you & the husband is having some issues... take that time you would have been running around with her... stay home with him.....and talk these things out... brainstorm together..


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

lolly53 said:


> Hi! I have a single girlfriend who wants me to be going places with her. My husband says I am a married person and that I shouldnt be taking off two or three times and week with her. She says I dont look happy with my husband and I should divorce him. She puts alot of thoughts in my head. Please help me. I dont know what to do. Thanks!


Put yourself in a room by yourself with noone else around. Are you happy in your marriage, as in is this a marriage you want to be in for the rest of your life?

If yes...dump your friend. She's what's called a toxic friend.
1. My wife would not be going out 2-3 times per week, especially if it's dance clubs, bars etc. because that's what you do when your single. You should be spending time with your spouse if you're married. GNO's are different when you're married versus single. (which you don't specify but I'm guessing because your situation is pretty typical)
2. My wife will not have a friend who is an enemy to our marriage (her choice by the way, this isn't me putting demands)
3. It's not your friend's place to try and get you out of your marriage. That's incredibly wrong.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Where exactly are you going 2-3 times per week? clubbing? movies? shopping? 

Who did you marry husband or girl friend? You should be siding with your husband. I would not be friends with anyone who is against my marriage. If you have problems with him, fix them with him. And I agree 2-3 week is too much, if you want to be out mingling that often go with your husband or divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, maybe you can expand on this a little more. How much time is the single GF looking for? Is she looking for you two to go out as friends once a month, once a week or multiple days a week? How much time is she trying to get you to commit to just her? A couple hours a week? A few days a week? Almost every day of the week if you could give it to her? Where does she want to go out with you? Dinner? Movies? Nightclubs?

There are a number of issues that need to be clarified before a more informed opinion can be made about whether your time commitment to a single friend is bad for the marriage or not. But one thing should actually squash this friendship completely, and you let it happen already. You let your friend badmouth your husband and it appears you either 1) did not defend him or 2) actually agreed with her on the husband bashing. In my opinion, it is never acceptable to allow a friend to bash your spouse no matter what - unless perhaps you broach the subject with the friend first. And even in that situation, the friend should be there to listen and offer suggestions as opposed to simply start badmouthing anyways.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

lolly53 said:


> Hi! I have a single girlfriend who wants me to be going places with her. My husband says I am a married person and that I shouldnt be taking off two or three times and week with her. *She says I dont look happy with my husband and I should divorce him. She puts alot of thoughts in my head. *Please help me. I dont know what to do. Thanks!


Have you told him she said that?

Any "friend" who says you should get a divorce is not a friend of your marriage. 

Your marriage and husband should come before your friend.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

tulsy said:


> Have you told him she said that?
> 
> Any "friend" who says you should get a divorce is not a friend of your marriage.
> 
> Your marriage and husband should come before your friend.


If it had been a bad situation for a long time, then yes a "friend" could say this. If it's a typical marriage, and she sounds like she has a coherant and responsive husband, those comments really are daggers to your marriage.

2-3 times a week with a single is too much. It maybe 1-2 a month and many times invite your spouse, invite your single to things with both you and your husband and see if she is interested.

She might just want to be making you single. They get a kick out of it. And by the way, this is nothing at all new.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

lolly53 said:


> She says I dont look happy with my husband and I should divorce him.


Are you happy with your husband? Do you want a divorce?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Are you happy with your husband? Do you want a divorce?


It sounds like she was fine until she started having "fun" with this single friend. This scenario plays out usually a certain way, unless she gets tired of the lady insulting her marriage and her husband, and tells her, she can't hang with her so much anymore. That she's happy with her life, and doesn't need her approval.

If she keeps going with the single friend, she will end up adopting single viewpoints and viewing her marriage as holding her back from "enjoying life". She may very well have all she needs in her current marriage, and once in a while to get outside will add some spice, but much of that getting outside should be done WITH her husband.

Some people have discussed how a husband could play into these situations without always having to be there.

For example, wife wants to go to the bars. Husband drops her off and picks her up, to make sure she gets home safely. It's not done to snoop, and wife shouldn't have anything to hide or slip in anyway....


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Oh I know I'm just asking the question. 

I don't believe in having one foot in single life and another in married life.

That never works.

When I got married my single friends naturally fell away.

Didn't cut them off we just no longer had much in common.

I preferred to be with my husband and they still had the freedom to do as they pleased.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Oh I know I'm just asking the question.
> 
> I don't believe in having one foot in single life and another in married life.
> 
> That never works.


It's not that someone is not "strong" enough to that it doesn't work. If you just look at history, this situation does not play out very well. It's just the way it is. If you guys are swingers then it could be very well within your routine.




Mavash. said:


> When I got married my single friends naturally fell away.
> 
> Didn't cut them off we just no longer had much in common.
> 
> I preferred to be with my husband and they still had the freedom to do as they pleased.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

lolly53 said:


> Hi! I have a single girlfriend who wants me to be going places with her. My husband says I am a married person and that I shouldnt be taking off two or three times and week with her. She says I dont look happy with my husband and I should divorce him. She puts alot of thoughts in my head. Please help me. I dont know what to do. Thanks!


Is she happier than you are? If she is so happy being single why is she going out working hard to meet guys?

Answer: she wants what you have. But she wants it for herself not you. What she want from you is a wingman.

But if she did hookup in a relationship with a guy, you'd find her suddenly acting like your husband wants you to act.


Which relationship is more important to you: your husband or the single friend who will dump you once she finds a guy?


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## lolly53 (Jul 19, 2013)

always alone, sometimes I am happy and sometimes I am not.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

treyvion said:


> It's not that someone is not "strong" enough to that it doesn't work. If you just look at history, this situation does not play out very well. It's just the way it is. If you guys are swingers then it could be very well within your routine.





lolly53 said:


> always alone, sometimes I am happy and sometimes I am not.


Isn't anyone sometimes not happy?

Even if you are dealing with friends sometimes you are not happy with their direction, choices or priorities...


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## lolly53 (Jul 19, 2013)

Thanks everyone for your input. Ill try and answer everyone because there was a lot of input. My husband and I have been married 26 years. We are both 60 years old and my friend is 50. My husband is an alcoholic and I am a Christian woman. My friends wants me to divorce my husband and marry a nice Christian man. I don't think I can divorce my husband because I put a lot into this marriage. He never abuses me, he gets on my nerves when he is drunk though, and I try and stay away from him. My friend is always inviting me to join some club or an other or go to parties etc. She wants me to go out with her about 2 or 3 a week. I am happy when my husband is sober, we talk and laugh. We go out to eat and cruise. Thanks everyone!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Okay didn't expect THAT.

I thought you were YOUNG and newly married.

Your friend isn't some single, naive girl she's a mature women who sees what you are unwilling to see.

Your husband is threatened by that because he's an alcoholic so he throws a fit.

Got it.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Okay didn't expect THAT.
> 
> I thought you were YOUNG and newly married.
> 
> ...


Age doesn't matter. In general singles think the best way is to be single. Her friend is likely perpetually single.

If the husband is not abusing, neglecting her or making her life hell - then there is no problem.

It sounds like the wife enjoys time with the husband other than when he's been drinking.


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## lolly53 (Jul 19, 2013)

Thanks Treyvion for understanding me. You are right, age doesn't matter.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Oh I know I'm just asking the question.
> 
> I don't believe in having one foot in single life and another in married life.
> 
> ...


It can. My closest friend is married with children. I met her just as I was separating from my exH and she was celebrating her first anniversary. She already had 2 children by then,

I like to think I am careful with her. I don't call her evening or weekends. We in fact text each other to set up a call time.

If she does vent about friends and family members, the most I say is "I hope you two can work it out."


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

lolly53 said:


> Thanks everyone for your input. Ill try and answer everyone because there was a lot of input. *My husband and I have been married 26 years. We are both 60 years old and my friend is 50. My husband is an alcoholic and I am a Christian woman. My friends wants me to divorce my husband and marry a nice Christian man.*
> 
> I don't think I can divorce my husband because I put a lot into this marriage. *He never abuses me, he gets on my nerves when he is drunk though, *and I try and stay away from him. My friend is always inviting me to join some club or an other or go to parties etc. She wants me to go out with her about 2 or 3 a week. *I am happy when my husband is sober, we talk and laugh. We go out to eat and cruise. *Thanks everyone!


I wasn't expecting this response either!! This friend being a christian woman...likely runs from one function to the next.. that is her lifestyle... if you asked her to back off on the "finding a better man" comments...do you think she would? Explain to her WHY you feel it is best to stay and you DO get along good when he is sober, you both laugh...and enjoy cruises/ vacations... 

I have a friend who is married to a near abuser (emotionally only)..., she is the christian, but I think she ought to leave him- she voices how angry she gets at times to me ...but also why she stays... of course I feel she could have a better life.....but it's her life...I have to respect that...her life or her children's is not in immediate danger of any sort. 

So long as YOU will not allow another to influence you ..being strong on what you want ...where you need to be.... do that... tell her you don't appreciate the comments anymore and explain why you are staying put.... if the husband is not happy with all this time you spend....hopefully he will compromise on his drinking so you & he can get closer and enjoy more time together...that is fair.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

lolly53 said:


> Thanks Treyvion for understanding me. You are right, age doesn't matter.


But you see how the poster who attacked the situation, assumed the man was wrong and woman was right. The target was aimed as a wedge between you and your husband. Some people do this automatically. By the way, the feel empowered as you listen to them and adjust your life... And if they break it, they feel great. They'll lose interest when you are not married. SO yes, as a real wife what it sounds like you are. I would deflect any attempts for friends to "bash" my husband who is mostly in my best interest... If he was abusing me, harming me, making my life hell, not taking care of me, then ok... But when a man is doing just about all he can, has a few personal issues, but in whole generally really cares about your well being and does his part - you cannot let anyone attack that...

I would stop listening to that lady and stop following her.

Invite her to some stuff with you and your husband...

Singles love to have "fans" and "followers".


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

When your husband gets drunk go out with your single friend.

Tell him that when he gets drunk, you're going out with your friend who is trying to break you guys up. The more he drinks the more you go out with her and the more influence she has on you.

Maybe he'll stop drinking and you'll get along great and that will be the end of it.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

lenzi said:


> When your husband gets drunk go out with your single friend.
> 
> Tell him that when he gets drunk, you're going out with your friend who is trying to break you guys up. The more he drinks the more you go out with her and the more influence she has on you.
> 
> Maybe he'll stop drinking and you'll get along great and that will be the end of it.


That's fare enough. And she leaves single friend in single land inviting to her to stuff with her and her husband and only sporadically attending things in single land.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

lenzi said:


> When your husband gets drunk go out with your single friend.
> 
> Tell him that when he gets drunk, you're going out with your friend who is trying to break you guys up. The more he drinks the more you go out with her and the more influence she has on you.
> 
> Maybe he'll stop drinking and you'll get along great and that will be the end of it.


Best advice on this whole thread. :iagree:

Puts the power in the husband's hands.

I like it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

lenzi said:


> When your husband gets drunk go out with your single friend.
> 
> Tell him that when he gets drunk, you're going out with your friend who is trying to break you guys up. The more he drinks the more you go out with her and the more influence she has on you.
> 
> Maybe he'll stop drinking and you'll get along great and that will be the end of it.


This is Playing hard ball and frankly I would DO this in a heart beat if I was in that situation and I wouldn't feel any remorse what so ever for it either.. the husband needs to step it up - and get off the damn booze !


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Best advice on this whole thread. :iagree:
> 
> Puts the power in the husband's hands.
> 
> I like it.


The added benefit is that when he refuses to give up the drinking and she divorces him she can say she gave him fair warning and she can move on without all that much guilt.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

lolly53 said:


> always alone, sometimes I am happy and sometimes I am not.


I feel like this too. And I think it's normal & healthy to reflect and re-evaluate one's situation and choices.

Opinions are a dime a dozen. Here on TAM I have been told both that I am a selfish prude that doesn't deserve to have any man, and that my husband is a horrible d*ck, and that I should leave him because I deserve better. It all depends on how the story is presented and who chooses to answer.

Unless your friend is a selfish cow, she probably has your best interests at heart. Probably the same with your husband.


On balance, does your husband lift you up? Or does he bring you down? Why do your friend's thoughts resonate with you? 

At the end of the day, though, there's only one person's opinion that you *have* to live with: your own. Make the best ones you can, and don't be afraid to revise when necessary.


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## Is It Just Me (Sep 8, 2012)

treyvion said:


> Thats what single people do.
> 
> ... Single people usually are the devil for marrieds. They look at life differently, it's all about their own pleasure, they don't concern about the others.




As a single, I take great offense at this and honestly can't believe you really have this mindset. 

This *particular* friend of the OP is selfish, but she hardly represents *every* single person out there. We really don't spend our time going around trying to break up marriages, for cryin' out loud.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Huh?

You don't know what to do?

Do you not have any thoughts on this? Why does your friend have such control...wow. 

And 2-3 times a week is crazy. You're not single.

I have a single friend. We go for a weekend maybe once a year just to get away and we both have time off because we're teachers. It's nice. Peaceful. NO kids.  But that's not 2-3 times a week.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband gets drunk often and you don't like it. 

How often does he do this? How does he act towards you when he is drunk?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

mablenc said:


> Where exactly are you going 2-3 times per week? clubbing? movies? shopping?
> 
> Who did you marry husband or girl friend? You should be siding with your husband. I would not be friends with anyone who is against my marriage. If you have problems with him, fix them with him. And I agree 2-3 week is too much, if you want to be out mingling that often go with your husband or divorce.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This.

Why are you spending 2-3 days a week with her instead of your husband?

If your gf says that you look unhappy with your husband then you probably are unhappy with your husband because if you were happy then you would be with your husband instead of your single gf.

My advice would be to spend that time working on your marriage and not avoiding it.

I have two daughters. They are at that age where they have a lot of different activities. Between my work, my wife's activities, my kids activities and general responsibilities around the house and our children, we barely have time for each other. Our conversations are generally about our schedule, our kids or something she needs from me (money or otherwise). It isn't healthy. We have other problems in our marriage and we barely have time to be with each other let alone address our problems. I don't think we'll make it. Don't let your marriage become what my marriage is. You are making choices right now that are detrimental to your marriage.


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## Spinner (Jul 26, 2013)

I'm a fan of thoughts being in peoples heads. But you should think for yourself, not just whatever your husband or girlfriend try to make you.

I really like the idea of going out with your girlfriend whenever your husband gets drunk. You shouldn't have to be around for that and maybe it'll motivate him to quit.

I also think that there's nothing wrong with you going out every now and then as long as you also spend plenty of quality time with your husband. You live with the guy, I'm sure he can spare you for 3 hours a week 

If you are happy and don't want a divorce, tell your girlfriend that you appreciate her concern but don't want to hear it. If she's pushy and has no respect for that then would be the time to reconsider being friends.

A best case scenario would of course be to make friends with couples that you and your husband both like and double date!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Happiness is within yourself. it's not because of anything outside.

It's also an illusion. You can't be happy 24/7. Either you accept your life or you don't. If you don't, then change it.

But happiness? That comes from within you. Not your marriage.


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