# Does a proposal with no romance and no ring mean he doesnt care?



## jayney (Jan 8, 2010)

I have just joined this site I have a scenario that is causing me a little confusion. I was hoping someone might be able to give me a better perspective. I would appreciate anyones thoughts on the matter. 

My boyfriend proposed to me while in bali recently, while there were a few really good romantic opportunities, instead he chose to propose in bed just before I fell asleep. (of course I said yes he is the man of my dreams and we had our first child 6 month ago). What stumped me is that he did not bring it up for the rest of the two days we were in bali. I wasnt sure if he meant it or forgotten. There was no ring you see, so when we got back to Perth I asked if he remembered what he said and he replied "of course". I asked if he meant it and he replied that he sure did and our engagement party is in three weeks.

Added to this is that I have had to put in all the effort to find my ring. I dont know if it is because he is busy working and i am just at home with the baby and it is easier for me but again I am troubled with the lack of effort on his part. There has been no romance with our decision to get married and i cant help but feel a little disappointed...

Am I being over analytical?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I actually think it was cute that he propsed right before you both fell asleep. Don't put to much emphasis on where. I got engaged in Taco Bell ha ha ha. There wasn't a ring for me either, but my H was the one who went out to get it. We went ring shopping together and I expressed to him that I would prefer to be suprised by my wedding ring, and he did! I only got an engagement ring recently. (I'm not a big jewelry fan) I think that we as women tend to think that men go into a room with 10 other men and jump around in a circle of excitement over news of a marriage when I am guessing that there are a few high fives and a beer lol. Talk to him. Ask him if he is excited. Tell him you can't get a read on how he feels and you really want to know.


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## gardener1965 (Oct 20, 2009)

I think that he does seem to be sending you some mixed messages. Did he ask you to pick out the ring? I mean, have you talked about it, or are you assuming you need to pick out a ring because he didn't do it? Did he decide that the party is in three weeks - I'm not sure from your post. Have you expressed your feelings to him? Is he like this about other things - is he just matter-of-fact in general? If you don't put in the effort to pick out a ring for him, how will he feel when people ask to see the ring at your party?


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Or he might have a something planned or hide the ring somewhere he thinks you will find it, or he might just be waiting to take you to go find one its always hard to say on that but again id say dont worry about it until later at this moment now if you get to a wedding day and you still dont have a ring on that day then i might be insulted but just yet no . I asked my women sitting on a hill watching the stars didnt even plan to do it but wanted to and had been on my mind for a long long time when i did it just came out i finally got over the fear of being rejected and just did it ..
I then took her out to pick rings cause she wasnt big on rings to begin with so i thought it was best .. She ended up picking out a trio set one wedding band for me One engagement ring for her and one wedding band they all had stones and fancy lines in them for looks none of the stones were big cause she didnt want that and had crosses on the side of each one all identical to the next.... sadly i wear mine still and at the moment hers are in a box on a shelf collecting dust after 10 years together. I can only pray she puts them on or the new set i got her for christmas to show me i can have one last chance to do the marriage right, all though at this point i feel she is the one clogging the wheels to true love and she is just stuck on the past i can only hope she gives us and our family that chance to see. Id like to see a women as beautiful as her wear something she deserves and more


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Some people don't stand on ceremony very much. They care, but they don't make a big show over things. If he's like that all the time, then being the same way about his wedding makes perfect sense.

But you're the only one here who would know about that.


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## jayney (Jan 8, 2010)

Ok I will fill in some of the blanks. I have spent the last two weeks looking at rings and I suggested that we use my previous engagement and wedding rings to make something new to keep costs down and he wasnt keen on this at first, but he saw that financially this made a bit of sense. He always insisted that he wanted to buy me the ring of my dreams but he never looked. So while I was talking to jewellers about redesigning my old ones I saw a gorgeous ring that I love and the price was reasonable. In fact there are two very similar at two shops so I thought that I would take him and show him the two and I said that I would let him decide which one he liked and that I would let him suprise me when he felt right.

Yes I has contributed to the date and arrangements of the engagement party. 
Yes he does want to be a part of the arrangements of the wedding.
Yes he did say that he was worried about picking a ring because he wasnt sure what he liked.
Yes he was concerned about getting a ring in time for the engagement party and I THINK he feels better not using engagement rings from a previous marriage of mine. 

He asked me if we had enough money to spend on the ring and I said he can find that out easily enough - we share the same bank accounts. the money is in the bank. 

I think that I wanted a few bells and whistles as all i do is stay at home and clean up vomit from a refluxy baby.


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## gardener1965 (Oct 20, 2009)

So it sounds like you are OK with this for the most part, but just wish he would make a little more "to-do" over it? Put on a bigger show? I don't blame you, I think women tend to want this. I do. Is he the type to do that? It kind of seems like he looks to you for answers about what to do. If this isn't his thing, maybe he won't ever do anything like that, at least not on his own. You may have to decide if you can live with this - for the rest of your life - on birthdays, anniversaries etc. If you can't you could talk to him about it, ask if he can be a little more "showey" about things because it is something you need. If you approach the subject without anger or disappointment, just matter-of-fact, he may understand, or he may say that just isn't his way. It sounds like he does love you and want to be with you, but if he can't give you the "bells and whistles" it is up to you to decide if you can do without them or be happy getting them for yourself.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

jayney said:


> What stumped me is that he did not bring it up for the rest of the two days we were in bali. I wasnt sure if he meant it or forgotten. There was no ring you see, so when we got back to Perth I asked if he remembered what he said and he replied "of course". I asked if he meant it and he replied that he sure did and our engagement party is in three weeks.


I dont think you should question how you are feeling. i dont think you are overreacting. this reminds me so much of the beginning of my relationship with my H. i second guessed myself too. i didnt want to be a "girl" and get worked up about it. I should have trusted my gut and realized my H was not that into me. 

i had a friend get married in college. this guy was so into her that he did the cutest things. granted, they had only been dating six months or so, so it was new for them. he planned a very romantic evening for them, and of course had the ring. she never had to wonder if he really meant it.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Hon... you got a baby, and the babies daddy. Don't mess it up over the small stuff.

That being said, do tell him that you need a little more romance and drama. Tell him you understand intellectually that he loves you, but you respond emotionally to a little more of the sappy stuff.

Someone take over and queue up a link to "The Five Love Languages".... 

Thanks.


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## jayney (Jan 8, 2010)

Well, if I compare my first marriage of nine years, whos proposed like it was a bloody circus!! Had the ring and all. But this marriage didnt last forever. 

This partner is very different though. He says to me all the time but just out of the blue that he cant wait to marry me. 

I hope you are right gardener1965 He does look to me for all the answers but that does mean things have defaulted to me taking over. 

I want to empower him to meet my needs and desires. He says all the time he just wants to make me happy. He was even going to stay home from work today cause I was too upset to hide my feelings.


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## jayney (Jan 8, 2010)

thank you Athlok! I was sooo nervous about expressing my feelings to him constructively and not spoiling a time in our lives that is very exiting 

thank you everyone for your contribution.

Have a nice day.


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