# Thinking of marrying my SO after only have been together for 5 months



## cloudkicker (Jun 25, 2013)

Hi, registered to these forums just to post this specifically.

Background: I'm 29, my GF is 27. been together 5 months. I've had mannyyy girlfriends up till the age of 23. then went single for 6 years till i met her. she was the type to date around constantly, but only had 2 boyfriends cus she's extremely picky.

it's been my life long dream since i was a kid to get married, and raise a happy family. i finally found a woman that i feel fits my every need and criteria in a potential wife; trust-worthy and always makes sure to make me feel secure, a very good hearted woman, close with her family, strong personality and individuality, spontaneous, supports herself and makes good money, very caring and always there and got my back. pretty much feels likes my best friend in the opposite gender. my roll dog. and is very loyal.. she emphasizes this and i see it with her relationships with her friends and family.

now.. i've seen all the stories before (i like to read reddit.com/r/relationships).. the "i'm so in love and my girlfriend is perfect and i want to marry her stories BUT...<insert something bad here> and i just kinda roll my eyes because it seems like everyone says their partner is perfect and wants to marry them. and here i friggin am...honest to everything really feeling that way about my current SO. we just click effortlessly and i really fell for her.

if i were to think of a bad thing.....the only thing i can think of is that when she parties and drinks, she gets a little wild, but she always calls me or comes home to me and makes sure to never let me worry and emphasizes that she's the most trust-worthy person, always telling me everything.. just never lets me worry. she really emphasizes this.

i know it's only been 5 months, but we've never had a serious fight. when we do bicker (very rare) it ends shortly and get over it. we have the same ideals, though we're opposite in many ways, but it works out so well because our personalities complement each other. and we both communicate openly as we both feel it's the base of a healthy relationship. she's very outspoken and i always say what's on my mind if something concerns me

i've mentioned my dreams of getting married.. my ideals of a famiy and she felt mutual...then i started eventually hinting at them to see what she felt.. and it was always mutual.. and just the other day.. i texted her saying "you know i'm going to marry you one day" and she replied saying "good, cus i feel the same. if you were to ask me to marry you today i'd say yes".

she's a occupational therapist and she's going to be a traveling occupational therapist soon and she'll be gone for months at a time starting late this year. something that she's always wanted to do before i even met her, and i'll never stop someone from wanting to do what will make them happy and their dreams... but i would like to tie the knot before she travels

she mentioned how if she were gonna get married.. she would want it spontaneous, like a drive-thru wedding in vegas.. and well..we happened to have a vegas trip planned next month and have been thinking long and hard about asking her to marry me and doing it right then and there on the spot. All my life since I was young, this is what i wanted.. and i really want to do this ...

so sorry for the long post but this is my question to everyone here:

1) does anyone have any success stories of getting married after just a short period of time and it blossoming into a wonderful, happy marriage? i'm mostly interested in this.

2) does anyone have any stories of getting married after a short period of time and completely regretting it? (must have at least a similar story... thinking that their SO was really and truly the one for them)

3) convince me that this is a good idea, or convince me that i should wait and i'm being retarded (as i know it's the common consensus to wait for years to see if a relationship is really marriage worthy)

sorry for such a long post, thanks for reading. looking forward to everyone's input


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

This is very interesting to read as I'm in almost the same situation. Although my relationship has only been going on for 3 months (feels like we known each other for a lifetime) and we clicked right away when we first met. 
I have met many different kinds of boys but I know that THIS is my one and everything feel so great with him, we have the same kind of mind so everything flows on easily. We light up each others paths and have helped each other a lot in life already and how we see it.
None of us have ever been able to see a future with someone else in our past relationships and had both kinda given up on true love, but we do now. 
We have talked about marriage a lot before and 2 weeks ago he proposed to me. I said of course yes, he knew my answer before asking. We are even talking about family (not that we will get a family yet until we got everything sorted financially and are settled down somewhere with good jobs) but we both barely can't wait to get that lovely family and future we dream of. 
When talking to people around us we have had very different reactions as most don't really seems to understand how it's possible to feel so much so quick (to mention we are currently in a long distance relationship and we met online) but those that have been (and still are) in the same position as us have given us a lot of great advice and we are convinced that it's not too fast.

What I'm trying to say with this is; if it really feels great from both parts, go for it!


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## VeggieMom (Jun 25, 2013)

I am coming to you with 15+ years of being in a marriage. It started out very happy and we were in love and we had many shared values, the attraction was there, and we had a bright future ahead of us. What we didn't do was take the time to do was get to know each other under times of stress or real life. We were pressured by time and circumstances to get married fast or else maybe not see each other again except very long distance. So after 6 months of seeing each other we got married.

And, now I am a bitter sad person stuck in a bad marriage. And my husband-- he is not evil but he is extremely dysfunctional and emotionally immature when it comes to handing the pressures of life like owning a home, children, and misfortunes and challenges that life brings. 

I never imagined when we first started seeing each other that we could possibly end up like this. But we did and so did many of our friend who are also good people but not good matches with each other.

I strongly advise-- and I hope my own children do this when they are older- to live together for two years, avoid getting pregnant during those two years, and really try things out.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

As the father of three daughters the first question that pops in to my mind is:

What are his financial prospects?

I know some people think this is old-fashioned but I reckon it still matters.


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

Where did the original post went that I answered at?

My fiancé has 2 kids from a previous relationship (one that wasn't planned) and knows the seriousness of getting a family. Right now we are both jobless and won't get our own family in a few years


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## VeggieMom (Jun 25, 2013)

Longdistancegirl said:


> Where did the original post went that I answered at?
> 
> My fiancé has 2 kids from a previous relationship (one that wasn't planned) and knows the seriousness of getting a family. Right now we are both jobless and won't get our own family in a few years


Yes I see now that the original post might be gone-- weird.:scratchhead:


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Longdistancegirl said:


> Where did the original post went that I answered at?
> 
> My fiancé has 2 kids from a previous relationship (one that wasn't planned) and knows the seriousness of getting a family. Right now we are both jobless and won't get our own family in a few years


Honey you two are just a accident waiting to happen.

How old are you anyway? I would have put you both in your teen but then he has kids.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How old are you two? Have you ever had a long term relationship? How long was his?

So to summarize... You've known each other for 3 months, never met in person, neither of you have jobs (are you both in school?), he's got two kids that you've never met (I'm assuming)...

All I can say is... What's the hurry? Get to know each other in real life first. Date for a couple years. Establish yourselves a bit. If you're truly life mates, this will just be a good way to get to know each other.

C


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

what's the rush?

if you're truly meant to be together then you'll still be dating when it's a better time to make the decision to get married


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And is it 3 months or 5? Not that it matters too much...

C


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

PBear said:


> How old are you two? Have you ever had a long term relationship? How long was his?
> 
> So to summarize... You've known each other for 3 months, never met in person, neither of you have jobs (are you both in school?), he's got two kids that you've never met (I'm assuming)...
> 
> ...


I'm 23 and he's soon 29. Yes of course we have met in person! Wouldn't be engaged to someone I haven't met and yes I have met his kids. No we are not in school, he just recently lost his job and I work part time


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

PBear said:


> And is it 3 months or 5? Not that it matters too much...
> 
> C


To make things clear, I am NOT the original TS here, I just responded to someone else's post


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Oh, and I see that he's still living with his ex (ex GF or ex wife?). And you don't actually know how long that relationship has been over.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...850-fianc-living-ex-now-then.html#post2761834

Please, slow things way down. Or bookmark this site for later, so you can come back for advice. Cause you're likely to need it. 

C


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Longdistancegirl said:


> To make things clear, I am NOT the original TS here, I just responded to someone else's post


What's a "TS"?

C


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

PBear said:


> Oh, and I see that he's still living with his ex (ex GF or ex wife?). And you don't actually know how long that relationship has been over.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...850-fianc-living-ex-now-then.html#post2761834
> 
> ...


Ex GF and its just for a few days. I'm not worried of them


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

PBear said:


> What's a "TS"?
> 
> C


Thread starter. This isn't my thread


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

I met my wife at a time that I was very discouraged with women. I swore I'd never marry. I met her and it was perfect. I asked her to marry me after 2 weeks, we were married in 6 months.

It's 23 years since we met now and let me tell you, this is a hard thing no matter how perfect it seems.
You really need to date for a couple years to see this person through many situations. You need to experience huge fights to see how it degenerates. You also need to experience some level of forgiveness for small things because when the big things come there has to be hope. We are not perfect, we all make mistakes. 

This is a modern age and to have a marriage survive a lifetime you will need to be prepared for what this modern age throws at you. 
Juggling jobs, kids, finances, families of origin problems, unforeseen sexual incompatibility (sometimes only temporary) health issues, toxic friends, and more.
It takes more than passion and love unfortunately. It takes a certain amount of cold calculation. JMHO


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Ok. Known here often as ”OP" or "original poster". No biggie. 

My thoughts still apply. 3 months or 5 months, you're taking a huge risk in moving too quickly. 

C


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

It doesn't matter what others say. Do what you feel is right.

My husband proposed just after 6 months of dating. He and I knew well before that we were meant for each other. We married just a year after meeting and 6 months of engagement. We've now been very happily together for 14 years, married 13.


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

PBear said:


> Ok. Known here often as ”OP" or "original poster". No biggie.
> 
> My thoughts still apply. 3 months or 5 months, you're taking a huge risk in moving too quickly.
> 
> C


We have talked about getting married after 2 years from now, so I'd say its what we are talking about here.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

judging by the title of your name, is your relationship long distance?


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> It doesn't matter what others say. Do what you feel is right.
> 
> My husband proposed just after 6 months of dating. He and I knew well before that we were meant for each other. We married just a year after meeting and 6 months of engagement. We've now been very happily together for 14 years, married 13.


I'm so glad to hear that!
Things really feel great and we have already been through tough situations where trust and patience have really been tested and turned out great, but of course we will give it more time before we actually get that future we long for so much


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Longdistancegirl said:


> We have talked about getting married after 2 years from now, so I'd say its what we are talking about here.


Well that's good news, at least! Stick to it, and make sure there's no kids popping up to "force" an earlier decision.

C


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

Almostrecovered said:


> judging by the title of your name, is your relationship long distance?


Yes he lives in the UK and I in Sweden. We have met a few times for a week at a time and he plans on moving here soon for 90 days (which is maximum of time) to see how we would work by living together and really getting to know each other for real



Could I ask for advice in 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/91850-fianc-living-ex-now-then.html please?


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> It doesn't matter what others say. Do what you feel is right.
> 
> My husband proposed just after 6 months of dating. He and I knew well before that we were meant for each other. We married just a year after meeting and 6 months of engagement. We've now been very happily together for 14 years, married 13.


I'm surprised at you saying that, In Love. Did you see
that this man still live with his "Ex"?


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> I'm surprised at you saying that, In Love. Did you see
> that this man still live with his "Ex"?


If you read the other post, you know why he is and I don't really blame him. If that's the only place he can be at ATM then I'd rather have him there instead of out on the streets TBH



I lived at my ex place still after him and me broke up because I didn't had anywhere to go, just like my fiancé did when I met him. But he got out of there as soon as he could, same with me.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Longdistancegirl said:


> If you read the other post, you know why he is and I don't really blame him. If that's the only place he can be at ATM then I'd rather have him there instead of out on the streets TBH


No, I didn't. I must of skipped over it.

If he still lives with his ex, then I'd not even date him. Still living with an ex is a huge red flag.

When my husband and I were dating, he was living alone.


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> No, I didn't. I must of skipped over it.
> 
> If he still lives with his ex, then I'd not even date him.
> 
> When my husband and I were dating, he was living alone.


I think people are missing the point here to why he's staying at hers for a few days.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Even for a few days is not good. I wouldn't care what the excuses were. 

This would really put me off btw. I've been cheated on before with my ex h. I've learned to watch out for signs of cheating and not ignore red flags.


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Even for a few days is not good. I wouldn't care what the excuses were.
> 
> This would really put me off btw. I've been cheated on before with my ex h. I've learned to watch out for signs of cheating and not ignore red flags.


Would you, in my position, ask him to leave that place to sleep outside or what would you do?
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/91850-fianc-living-ex-now-then.html


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Longdistancegirl said:


> If you read the other post, you know why he is and I don't really blame him. If that's the only place he can be at ATM then I'd rather have him there instead of out on the streets TBH
> 
> 
> 
> I lived at my ex place still after him and me broke up because I didn't had anywhere to go, just like my fiancé did when I met him. But he got out of there as soon as he could, same with me.


But from your own words you say his ex is jealous and hasn't let him go. Why would you want to be in the midst of that drama? Right now you the OW.


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> But from your own words you say his ex is jealous and hasn't let him go. Why would you want to be in the midst of that drama? Right now you the OW.


Yeah true. I'm not sure what I would do in that position myself. But as I said, I don't want him sleeping outside


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Longdistancegirl said:


> Yeah true. I'm not sure what I would do in that position myself. But as I said, I don't want him sleeping outside


It's just so much baggage. Two kids, ex in the picture, no job, homeless. Would you recommend that to anyone else?


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> It's just so much baggage. Two kids, ex in the picture, no job, homeless. Would you recommend that to anyone else?


So if someone had that baggage, then don't deserve a lovelife with anyone until that's all sorted?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Longdistancegirl said:


> Yeah true. I'm not sure what I would do in that position myself. But as I said, I don't want him sleeping outside


It's pretty simple. You remove the one person in the triad that you CAN control. Tell him that you love him, but you're uncomfortable with the situation, and he should call you when he moved out. Then it's up to him to do what's right and important to him. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Longdistancegirl said:


> So if someone had that baggage, then don't deserve a lovelife with anyone until that's all sorted?


I don't know if I would use the word "deserve". I don't even think that word is applicable in this case. I would definitely say they don't NEED a love life until it sorted out.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Longdistancegirl said:


> Would you, in my position, ask him to leave that place to sleep outside or what would you do?
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/91850-fianc-living-ex-now-then.html


I would not ever get involved. There is absolutely no reason to stay with the ex. 

There is no reason why he couldn't get his own apartment. He is living under someone else's roof which means he is not financially stable either. 

I'm sorry I didn't carefully read your post. I'm definitely not against getting engaged and married in a years time, but after I divorced my ex h, I had raised my own standards and being financially stable was one of them. I didn't mind dating someone with children(I had my own child), but they had to be living on their own whether it was a permanent house or renting. There is absolutely no reason justifiable of him living with his ex. 

I would of never given him a second date knowing he was under his exes roof. Definitely don't rush into marriage with him quite yet. Yes, tell him to leave and live at his own place.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

If he can't afford living on his own, your going to end up paying for his living and expenses. 

What does he do for a living?


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> If he can't afford living on his own, your going to end up paying for his living and expenses.
> 
> What does he do for a living?


As I said in the other thread, he just lost his job and ****ty country UK won't help him getting a place unless he drinks or takes drugs -.-. The amount of money he will get per week won't be enough to get a place of his own and he's currently paying the mother of his kids (the EX) money for support for the kids on top of that. The money left won't be enough so I'm not sure what he can do until he finds another job. Currently applying for any jobs coming in to centre


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You don't even know how long their relationship was over. How sure are you about their sleeping arrangements?

What's his past job history been? How long has he been unemployed?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

PBear said:


> You don't even know how long their relationship was over. How sure are you about their sleeping arrangements?
> 
> What's his past job history been? How long has he been unemployed?
> 
> ...


2 weeks he got a notice. andyes i know where he is sleeping as we have this habit of talking late nights and even not ending call when sleeping (weird i know but hey ho)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

There have been successes and non-successes or getting married too soon. It's a personal decision. 

Me... I wouldn't get married that soon. You barely know someone 5 months in and the blinders haven't worn off (and d on't for about 2 yeas, which is when the "real" relationship starts). BUT. Some people have known eachother for no time and got married and stay together forever. Luck of the draw I guess. It just would not work for me. (But I view marriage with a squinted eye so take my word with a grain of salt).  Good luck, no matter what you decide.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Longdistancegirl said:


> 2 weeks he got a notice. andyes i know where he is sleeping as we have this habit of talking late nights and even not ending call when sleeping (weird i know but hey ho)


With regards to his job, how about before this last time getting laid off? Does he have a stable job history?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

PBear said:


> With regards to his job, how about before this last time getting laid off? Does he have a stable job history?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He had been there for years, so i'd say yes


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## kokonatsu (Feb 22, 2013)

i went to africa on a short mission trip, and one of the tanslators and i got on really quickly. started dating, and he asked me to marry him before i left (two weeks later). I said no, but we kept skyping and talking and getting to know each other. only after about six weeks of talking for a couple hours every day and once i knew our values and goals and dreams matched up, i let myself fall in love with him, and i'm moving there to be with him in the fall. we are planning on getting married fall 2014.

some people know really right away who they want to be with for the rest of their lives, and some people need more time to figure it out.


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

kokonatsu said:


> i went to africa on a short mission trip, and one of the tanslators and i got on really quickly. started dating, and he asked me to marry him before i left (two weeks later). I said no, but we kept skyping and talking and getting to know each other. only after about six weeks of talking for a couple hours every day and once i knew our values and goals and dreams matched up, i let myself fall in love with him, and i'm moving there to be with him in the fall. we are planning on getting married fall 2014.
> 
> some people know really right away who they want to be with for the rest of their lives, and some people need more time to figure it out.


That's completely true. I think we will have it great together, but we can't really know for sure as people have stated before we have seen each other in all kinds of different situations.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I would at least put the marriage on hold. 

This guy is not ready for another relationship as he should know. He needs to get his ducks in a row first, then settle down.

You'll end up paying his way if you continue on like this, but ultimately it is your choice. We can not decide for you. 

I would not marry another man who did not have a job/career in place. I would not date a man who was living with his ex. You don't know for sure if they are having sex or not. You do not know his work ethics. I did that with my ex h and paid for 100% of his living expenses while he went off sleeping with other women. I learned my lesson. I did not make the same mistake twice.

I don't buy "I can't find a job" card. I know this economy is really tough, but a driven man will always find work and provide for himself.


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## kokonatsu (Feb 22, 2013)

Longdistancegirl said:


> That's completely true. I think we will have it great together, but we can't really know for sure as people have stated before we have seen each other in all kinds of different situations.


yep, that's why we're waiting another year to get married. I've never wanted a long engagement, but i see the wisdom in waiting another year. i bought my flight to go to africa in september, i'm so excited to see him again


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## Longdistancegirl (Jun 25, 2013)

He's out hours every day looking for jobs and apply for all kinds of jobs. I don't judge someone for losing their job. Yes marriage is ofc put on hold until all those things are sorted and when I started dating him he had an own place and a job, its just now when he lost it he has problems


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

cloudkicker said:


> Hi, registered to these forums just to post this specifically.
> 
> Background: I'm 29, my GF is 27. been together 5 months. *I've had mannyyy girlfriends up till the age of 23. then went single for 6 years till i met her. * she was the type to date around constantly, but only had 2 boyfriends cus she's extremely picky.


So you have never had a long term relationship? This is your first serious relationship?

That would be one reason to wait. Committing for the rest of your life to one person when you've never had a long term relationship that's experienced ups and downs is a gamble. You don't know how you'll deal with it when you are in the middle of a lull and you aren't feeling so into her. Or how you'll deal with it when you are at odds about something important.



> if i were to think of a bad thing.....*the only thing i can think of is that when she parties and drinks, she gets a little wild, but she always calls me or comes home to me* and makes sure to never let me worry and emphasizes that she's the most trust-worthy person, always telling me everything.. just never lets me worry. she really emphasizes this.


So she goes out and parties without you? Why? Why don't you party with her? Will she continue this after you are married, where she parties without you all the time?



> i know it's only been 5 months, but we've never had a serious fight. when we do bicker (very rare) it ends shortly and get over it.


This is another reason to wait. It's important to experience a serious fight, so you know how you two deal with it. It's great that you have good communication, but you don't know what will happen to that good communication until you are seriously at odds about a serious issue. 

At 5 months, you're still in the lovey-dovey stage with each other. You accommodate, you give each other the benefit of the doubt, you compromise. However, that changes after time, and it can be shocking when you don't agree on a big issue. You may be shocked at her actions and reactions. You may be shocked at your own.



> she's a occupational therapist and she's going to be a traveling occupational therapist soon and she'll be gone for months at a time starting late this year. something that she's always wanted to do before i even met her, and i'll never stop someone from wanting to do what will make them happy and their dreams... but i would like to tie the knot before she travels


Why is it important to tie the knot before she starts traveling? Are you afraid you'll lose her if you don't marry her before she starts traveling for months at a time? That she would start seeing other people? How long will this traveling go on? Years?

Maybe you should experience what it will be like with her traveling for months at a time. You might realize that is not the kind of life you can handle or want to have. Having a spouse gone for months at a time is not for the faint of heart.

How will that work with the family you want to have? Will she quit her job? When exactly does she want to start having children? Are you sure?



> she mentioned how if she were gonna get married.. she would want it spontaneous, like a drive-thru wedding in vegas.. and well..we happened to have a vegas trip planned next month and have been thinking long and hard about asking her to marry me and doing it right then and there on the spot. * All my life since I was young, this is what i wanted.. and i really want to do this ...*


You obviously have doubts if you are posting here. When in doubt, wait. If it's really love, the kind that blossoms, she'll still love you in a year or longer.


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## cloudkicker (Jun 25, 2013)

VeggieMom said:


> I am coming to you with 15+ years of being in a marriage. It started out very happy and we were in love and we had many shared values, the attraction was there, and we had a bright future ahead of us. What we didn't do was take the time to do was get to know each other under times of stress or real life. We were pressured by time and circumstances to get married fast or else maybe not see each other again except very long distance. So after 6 months of seeing each other we got married.
> 
> And, now I am a bitter sad person stuck in a bad marriage. And my husband-- he is not evil but he is extremely dysfunctional and emotionally immature when it comes to handing the pressures of life like owning a home, children, and misfortunes and challenges that life brings.
> 
> ...


thank you for sharing your experience!


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## cloudkicker (Jun 25, 2013)

PBear said:


> How old are you two? Have you ever had a long term relationship? How long was his?
> 
> So to summarize... You've known each other for 3 months, never met in person, neither of you have jobs (are you both in school?), he's got two kids that you've never met (I'm assuming)...
> 
> ...





Almostrecovered said:


> what's the rush?
> 
> if you're truly meant to be together then you'll still be dating when it's a better time to make the decision to get married


thank you for your input. and i do know... i've always told myself i'd wait a few years before getting into a marriage.. but something about this woman is making me go against that. i'm really convinced i want to go through with this, but posting here just to get input and maybe some common sense into me. i still do feel strongly about what i want to do despite it going against common knowledge. i appreciate the input


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## cloudkicker (Jun 25, 2013)

dogman said:


> I met my wife at a time that I was very discouraged with women. I swore I'd never marry. I met her and it was perfect. I asked her to marry me after 2 weeks, we were married in 6 months.
> 
> It's 23 years since we met now and let me tell you, this is a hard thing no matter how perfect it seems.
> You really need to date for a couple years to see this person through many situations. You need to experience huge fights to see how it degenerates. You also need to experience some level of forgiveness for small things because when the big things come there has to be hope. We are not perfect, we all make mistakes.
> ...


are you happy in your marriage? i mean obviously everyone is different, and it's almost useless asking, but i'd like to know how your marriage worked / is working out after marrying in such a short period.


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## cloudkicker (Jun 25, 2013)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> It doesn't matter what others say. Do what you feel is right.
> 
> My husband proposed just after 6 months of dating. He and I knew well before that we were meant for each other. We married just a year after meeting and 6 months of engagement. We've now been very happily together for 14 years, married 13.


love to hear stories like this, regardless if it relates to what i'm looking for or not. thanks for this =)


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## cloudkicker (Jun 25, 2013)

kokonatsu said:


> i went to africa on a short mission trip, and one of the tanslators and i got on really quickly. started dating, and he asked me to marry him before i left (two weeks later). I said no, but we kept skyping and talking and getting to know each other. only after about six weeks of talking for a couple hours every day and once i knew our values and goals and dreams matched up, i let myself fall in love with him, and i'm moving there to be with him in the fall. we are planning on getting married fall 2014.
> 
> some people know really right away who they want to be with for the rest of their lives, and some people need more time to figure it out.


that's really cute. i sincerely hope it works out for you!


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## cloudkicker (Jun 25, 2013)

norajane said:


> So you have never had a long term relationship? This is your first serious relationship?
> 
> That would be one reason to wait. Committing for the rest of your life to one person when you've never had a long term relationship that's experienced ups and downs is a gamble. You don't know how you'll deal with it when you are in the middle of a lull and you aren't feeling so into her. Or how you'll deal with it when you are at odds about something important.


I have before. though the longest was my last relationship from age 21-23, lasting 2 years. i'd say i've been in about 12 relationships starting from middle school (ya ya i kno it doesn't really count), ranging on average from 6 months to a year

i guess this is the first relationship where i feel like our feelings are truly mutual.. usually there's always some sort of imbalance in feelings.. and there would be arguments and constant bickering.. for now our bickering is going pretty well as we stress communication and we both get over trivial things easily... which i like.




norajane said:


> So she goes out and parties without you? Why? Why don't you party with her? Will she continue this after you are married, where she parties without you all the time?
> 
> This is another reason to wait. It's important to experience a serious fight, so you know how you two deal with it. It's great that you have good communication, but you don't know what will happen to that good communication until you are seriously at odds about a serious issue.


no we party together too. we both make sure we have our alone time as i believe it's healthy for our (or any) relationship. we probably hang out maybe 2 to 4 times a week on average.




norajane said:


> At 5 months, you're still in the lovey-dovey stage with each other. You accommodate, you give each other the benefit of the doubt, you compromise. However, that changes after time, and it can be shocking when you don't agree on a big issue. You may be shocked at her actions and reactions. You may be shocked at your own.


this is very well could be true. i guess in my past.. even though so long ago, the lovey dovey /honeymoon phaze died out pretty early... and i'm feeling quite amazed taht after 5 months we both feel like we're in the honeymooon phaze.. i mean i know it dies out.. but when i see my parents being all cute with each other and dating every weekend.. (i envy that bout my folks, obviously they have their share of problems), i feel like i'll be able to have the same with this woman





norajane said:


> Why is it important to tie the knot before she starts traveling? Are you afraid you'll lose her if you don't marry her before she starts traveling for months at a time? That she would start seeing other people? How long will this traveling go on? Years?


i'll be honest, despite her being the first woman that i feel like i can truly trust (alot of my past cheated on me, hence the 6 yr break.. i needed to stay single for a while).. i'll always have insecurities. BUT i keep that myself, as i feel that's a selfish trait, and i feel as long as you don't try to change each other and stay true to yourself and communicate and give each other enough alone time and time with friends.. all you can really do is give your trust and hope they respect that. i dont believe in "earning trust", what a crock of crap (lol sorry), you give it and hope they stay true. that's besides the point i was trying to make but yes, that is somewhat true. i am a little worried, but that died down when we had a small argument about it until she said "if you're not going to be into this temporary long distance thing 100%, we really shouldn't continue. i believe any 2 people can make it work if you truly love each other and make the effort." so that reassured me. but i'll always have thoughts in the back of my head that will probably never ever go away for the rest of my life. i just keep it to myself and (almost) never express it.




norajane said:


> Maybe you should experience what it will be like with her traveling for months at a time. You might realize that is not the kind of life you can handle or want to have. Having a spouse gone for months at a time is not for the faint of heart.


i was thinking this.. wait till after.. but i think i'll be okay about it.




norajane said:


> How will that work with the family you want to have? Will she quit her job? When exactly does she want to start having children? Are you sure?


it's only going to be temporary, maybe around a year. we both agreed we want to have children later down in the road and not anytime soon. we're both not ready.




norajane said:


> You obviously have doubts if you are posting here. When in doubt, wait. If it's really love, the kind that blossoms, she'll still love you in a year or longer.


i see what you're saying and it makes sense. i'm confident in what i want to do, but if i'm posting here i guess that's an oxymoron. i know the common consensus and i'm a pretty logical person that usually doesn't follow my heart, i think things through and am pretty calculated.. but this woman kinda changed all that. it's pretty shocking. but yea i understand all your points.

thanks for your input, i appreciate it =)


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## cloudkicker (Jun 25, 2013)

Longdistancegirl said:


> This is very interesting to read as I'm in almost the same situation. Although my relationship has only been going on for 3 months (feels like we known each other for a lifetime) and we clicked right away when we first met.
> I have met many different kinds of boys but I know that THIS is my one and everything feel so great with him, we have the same kind of mind so everything flows on easily. We light up each others paths and have helped each other a lot in life already and how we see it.
> None of us have ever been able to see a future with someone else in our past relationships and had both kinda given up on true love, but we do now.
> We have talked about marriage a lot before and 2 weeks ago he proposed to me. I said of course yes, he knew my answer before asking. We are even talking about family (not that we will get a family yet until we got everything sorted financially and are settled down somewhere with good jobs) but we both barely can't wait to get that lovely family and future we dream of.
> ...


whoops read yours first and forgot to reply. i know you were going back and forth about your situation in the thread that i didn't really read as i know there's alot of detail to your story, but i sincerely hope it all works out for you =)


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## whowouldhavethought (Jun 15, 2013)

cloudkicker said:


> Hi, registered to these forums just to post this specifically.
> 
> Background: I'm 29, my GF is 27. been together 5 months. I've had mannyyy girlfriends up till the age of 23. then went single for 6 years till i met her. she was the type to date around constantly, but only had 2 boyfriends cus she's extremely picky.
> 
> ...


There are some books out there, e.g., 101 Questions to Ask Before Marriage. Get such a book and the two of you should answer each question truthfully.

WWHT


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## cloudkicker (Jun 25, 2013)

whowouldhavethought said:


> There are some books out there, e.g., 101 Questions to Ask Before Marriage. Get such a book and the two of you should answer each question truthfully.
> 
> WWHT


i like that idea. gonna look it up and buy it, thanks for the suggestion


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Too soon. It takes a full year, a vacation together and workign through some trauma/struggle of some sort to get a full picture of someone. 

I married after knowing the guy 6 months. He seemed confident, had good future prospects, mature... confidence turned arrogant and aggressive (in a bad way) and there was always an excuse as to why he couldn't hold down a job for more than 6 months to a year. 

I'm not saying those are your issues; I'm saying a lot of issues take longer than a few months to uncover. You need to know how they deal with hardships, how they deal with being around you 24/7, how they get along with your family (you think it doesn't matter until you read 100 stories here about how a MIL/FIL who hates the SO causes so much tension). 

If it's love, it will last. You can let her know that you love her and that you want to be married some day. She'll be away for a few months - probably now is a good time to NOT get married.


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## cloudkicker (Jun 25, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Too soon. It takes a full year, a vacation together and workign through some trauma/struggle of some sort to get a full picture of someone.
> 
> I married after knowing the guy 6 months. He seemed confident, had good future prospects, mature... confidence turned arrogant and aggressive (in a bad way) and there was always an excuse as to why he couldn't hold down a job for more than 6 months to a year.
> 
> ...


thank you for this. if you don't mind me asking, how is your marriage doing now?


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> It doesn't matter what others say. Do what you feel is right.
> 
> My husband proposed just after 6 months of dating. He and I knew well before that we were meant for each other. We married just a year after meeting and 6 months of engagement. We've now been very happily together for 14 years, married 13.


Actually it does matter. I am glad you and your husband are doing great but the odds are not in your favor when you marry someone after only knowing them a few months. I started dating my wife in April and was married in September. I am glad we are together.

That being said I think we both know we should have waited because we really did not know one another and although year 1 was fantastic year 2-6 were hell. I still cannot believe we made it.

I think most couples should give themselves a solid year to get to know one another. As for marrying someone after knowing them for a few months and they are going to be on the road after that for work. Good Luck.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Everyone is different but, IMO, at the 5 month mark a couple don't know one another well enough to commit to spending the rest of their lives together.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don't do it. Wait. Yes, there are a few marriages out there that start out like yours and are ultimately successful but they are rare. Certainly not the norm. Marriage can be a hard road. Don't make it any harder than it should be.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

My husband and I were together over 5 years before we got married. We were engaged the last 2 years of that. We are both very happy we waited....and very in love.

Not saying that you or anyone else needs to follow my example...but just offering a different perspective.

.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

It's not a time issue per se.
In order to have a good marriage you have to love the person but you also need to have a practical consideration. And in the practical consideration dept you have to figure out if some of the major things in life you two are compatible:

-- Money... do we mix it all together or keep it separate
-- Kids, how many and when
-- Work and work after kids. For example is she planning to be a traveling physical therapist and a mother? That's impractical.
-- Sex, how often
-- Family holidays / families in general... Is she under the thumb of her parents

Now, there is one huge red flag in your post. She wants to be a traveling therapist and you don't want to block her dreams. Marriages thrive on togetherness and time apart leads to many bad outcomes. Please read the coping with infidelity section and see just how many affiars start due simply to lack of togetherness. Togetherness is the conrnerstone of marriage. Marriage is a decision remade every day to stay married.. and once the daily connection is broken it is very easy to decide not to stay married. And in marriage, we are choosing one path and eliminating other paths in life... So to think of it like you would be blocking her dream by haivng a normal marriage is a very big red flag.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

If I could give anyone advice when considering marriage, it would be to seek premarital counselling. If you read the postings on this site you will see people that have spent millions of dollars in post marital counselling. You rarely see people that had premarital counselling. To me it should be a legal requirement, not as a deterrent per se, but just so couples consider things in advance. 

For example what religion are each of you? What faith will you be raising the children? Do you want children? How many? Will she be a stay at home mom or work? Who will handle the finances? Will you have separate or joint accounts? What is your budget? Will you buy a house? Girls nights out? What are your curfews? This list can go on and on and should be discussed.

Too many times when we are dating we live in the fancy of the romance and when reality seeps into the relationship, things can sour quickly. You need to know what is expected of each other, you need boundaries. My grandparents were married for over 60 years and credit their success to boundaries being in place. My grandfather liked to drink and come home and raise cane. My grandmother told him he could not do that as they had young children. The following weekend he got drunk and came home, she proceeded to lay him out with a cast iron skillet on the kitchen floor. Now he still got drunk after that, but he always slept in the barn after that incident. She set firm boundaries and he was expected to keep them or suffer the consequences. 

There is nothing wrong with spontaneity, but it should replace common sense. Get premarital counselling first, then the wedding can be anytime you so desire.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I did what you are proposing to do. This is my side, I am probably headed for a divorce. What I saw before the marriage and what I am getting now has been a complete turn around. I wish I had waited and spared myself the heartache I am experiencing now. 

You can't begin to really know someone in that short a time. This is the rosey side of the relationship and clouds are not in the picture. For me, I'm in the "perfect storm" now. And we all know how that movie turned out


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

You can't really know a person at the 5 month mark. I knew my husband for a few years before we got married. We've been together for over 20 years now, happily married. 

I have a friend, an attorney too, who got married to a man she knew only for 3 months. That marriage lasted all of five years. He cheated left and right on her. That aspect of himself wasn't apparent when she knew him only for a few months. Had she spent more time with him, she would have realized he had very loose personal boundaries around the opposite sex. They really didn't know each other as well as they thought they did. Sure you think you do, you attribute all sorts of qualities to them, think you can pull together through tough times, but until you've really spent at least a year or more with them, you don't know if they're good marriage material or not. 
Check out how many threads there are on TAM of people who married their spouse without knowing them for at least a year.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Are you really ok with her occupation which involves being out of town for months at a time? The traveling occupational therapists I know are gone for weeks at a time. And to top it off, you said she likes to party. Will you have mind movies about what she's really doing while you're at home? You should think about these things before you rush into a marriage. Otherwise, you'll be back on TAM a few years from now telling us you don't feel connected to each other because you married too young, too soon to a woman who is gone most of the time. 

The fact you don't share your insecurities about her travel concerns me. Don't start bottling up things now. You should be able to share this with her or it will eat away at you. Good open communication is very important to a successful marriage.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> The fact you don't share your insecurities about her travel concerns me. Don't start bottling up things now. You should be able to share this with her or it will eat away at you. Good open communication is very important to a successful marriage.


You should most definitely share your concerns and discuss them. That speaks to what I mentioned earlier - you need to know how the two of you deal with a situation where you are at odds with each other.

For example, if she dismisses and poo-poo's your concerns, then you've learned something about her and how she will deal with disagreements on significant issues in your marriage.

Don't keep things to yourself for fear of rocking the boat. If you do that, then you will become a doormat.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Was with my ex wife for three years before we got married. Lived together for two of those years, and engaged for one of them. Went through premarital counselling. Divorced after 17 years of marriage.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Was with my ex wife for three years before we got married. Lived together for two of those years, and engaged for one of them. Went through premarital counselling. Divorced after 17 years of marriage.


How unlucky for you.And sad.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> How unlucky for you.And sad.


I ignored every red flag known to man and went ahead and married her anyway. She is NPD.

ETA: I tried to do it the right way...


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I'm sorry you went through that.*love really does make the sensible part of our brain shut down sometimes*.


That, and a 19 yo 5'3" 105lb blonde yoga body....

My STBW have been together for almost a year and have been through some very rough stresses and sailed right through them. We will have been together for over two years when we finally get married, but there is no real hurry.

I think that feeling of not needing to rush things is one that may be gained through life experience.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

cloudkicker said:


> thank you for this. if you don't mind me asking, how is your marriage doing now?


I'm divorced.  Married 15 years; divorced 10 now.

Turns out his confidence-turned-arrogance is actually NPD. He won me over, married me right away before he could drop the act. Gradually he became critical of everything I did, name calling became the norm, then hitting and telling me "if you didn't make me so angry/do something so stupid I wouldn't have to thump on you". "Thumping" was his term for him taking his fist and hitting me hard on my head with his knuckles, resulting in knots on my head where no one could see them. Most days when I brushed my hair I'd hit a sore spot. He can call it what he wants but the reality was it was hitting.

I thought "respects his mom - CHECK!" "loves animals - CHECK!" "in law school/ambitions - CHECK!" In the end I finally heard him yell at his mother and punch a hole in the wall, throw the dog up int he air making him whimper and otherwise being mean to animals (and finally shot a dog for making a mess in the garage) and dropped out of law school a month after we married. Every positive thing on my checklist was found to be untrue.

I'm not saying she's like that - I'm saying a person can be on their best behavior for a long time. You need to be with someone long enough for that facade (if there is one) to come down. A year of dating and a years' engagement is what most therapists/counselors/clergy/psychologists recommend because by then the rosy bliss has worn off, you've gone through a few struggles together and you are making an informed decision.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

I was with my partner for around 3 months until we got married. Two weeks ago it was our 4 year anniversary. YES, it's hard and takes work. 

The saying "you only know someone once you live with them" is 100% true. People change. BUT I'm happy I got married, I love my husband a lot and consider myself to be in a good marriage.

I think you're still in the "infatuation" stage of your relationship.. Have you met each others families? Do you live together?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

You could be lucky and it will all work out. More likely is, you don't really know each other yet and after a few years you'll find you are incompatible and you'll be miserable.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

"Marry in haste, repent at leisure."

My husband and I married after 5 months. He is 12 years older than me.

We have been married for 22 years.

For quite a few years the marriage has been very unsatisfactory as far as I was concerned. He seemed not to be unhappy.

We recently hit breaking point, but have reconciled and are currently very happy and have talked through all the issues so we should be better able to keep things on course.

In our case it seems to have worked out OK in the end, but honestly I think you are better off living together for a good couple of years before considering marriage.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

I was 19, and she was a 20 YO single mom....I knew her for 7 months when we married....

The sex was just EXPLOSIVE, and she was the REALLY hot, but it was her intelligence, loyalty, good sense, and character that sealed the deal.....

We have been married for 47 years, and I would not be where I am today without her......She has been my rock and my treasure for almost half a century......

I have posted elsewhere, and been called a liar, but I will compare out sex life with any NBA player or rock star, it was just that hot, and carried on for decades.....

Marry the girl....

good luck
the woodchuck


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Woodchuck said:


> I was 19, and she was a 20 YO single mom....I knew her for 7 months when we married....
> 
> The sex was just EXPLOSIVE, and she was the REALLY hot, but it was her intelligence, loyalty, good sense, and character that sealed the deal.....
> 
> ...


But do you think your life would have been any different if you had waited another year to get married?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Woodchuck said:


> I was 19, and she was a 20 YO single mom....I knew her for 7 months when we married....
> 
> The sex was just EXPLOSIVE, and she was the REALLY hot, but it was her intelligence, loyalty, good sense, and character that sealed the deal.....
> 
> ...


But did your wife also travel out of state for weeks at a time? That's what the OP's girlfriend's job is. She'll be gone for a long time since she's a traveling occupational therapist. In our school district, the traveling occupational therapists stay in our state for months at a time. Even if you put aside the short duration he's known her, the extensive travel required of her job is going to affect the marriage and he's already afraid to really tell her how he feels about it.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

For starters how do you know she is really his ex??? He could be lying to both of you. Think about that.


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