# HELP! Marriage on the brink of divorce,



## Beef1234 (May 6, 2008)

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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

You know what you want, but does she really know what she wants? What you need is HER answer to the question "do you want to save this"?

She could be going through a rough patch. Everyone does, you've had them before. The problem is, that if you are the only one working to save things, you will get frustrated and you will be wasting your time..

I think your date idea is good and hopefully it rekindles something. Other things to consider are what it was that got you together in the first place, and interests you share. Ask her what she wants out of life, what are her dreams. Build some goals together.

Maybe she feels things just aren't "going" anywhere and need more direction.

Best of luck.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Affection is a two way street. When you have your date night try to take her hand as you walk, touch is very important and the more you do the more you want.

Date nights work wonders but they should be for the two of you to grow together. Ask for just a single night a week that it is just the two of you, both of you or she can be with her friends several times a week.

More things could be tried later but that is for later. Find things you can do around the house like picking up the toys and such that she can't find fault with. Often I wash and dry the clothes and my wife will put them away because she doesn't like the way I do it.

I normally wash the dishes, dry them and put them away before the wife even sees them.

draconis


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

I want to revisit these "lists" you mentioned in your original post. It sounds like you both received very clear bullet points of actions your partners want you to take.

You said you need to help with dishes, housework, listening, so on, so on, but have you actually IMPROVED in these areas? You mention the things she needs to improve on, but has she improved on anyone?

I may be taking this too logically because of my line of work, but when a client presents a list of evaluation criteria, I keep it in my hands at all times. This is no different than "giving the teacher what he/she wants". If you know your paper is going to be graded based on your knowledge of a, b, and c, then it is in your best interests to present substantial knowledge of a, b, and c.


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## Beef1234 (May 6, 2008)

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## pigpen (May 5, 2008)

Yes it is absolutely wrong to read her emails. I dont know what you read. But people deserve to have personal space. Your are her husband, not another part of her. If you dont respect her as an individual you cant have a marriage.

On the subject of emails - the problem is that you dont know what the contents really mean. You know what you think they mean, what you are afraid they mean. Basically you know squat.

Let me tell you a story. When I was very young we got our first computer. I "met" a guy in a chat room who was friendly. I was going through a rough time with my husband and was desperately lonely. I did not really think there was any real relationship with this guy. But I spent some time playing around with the idea and emailed a friend - what is love, is this love, does he love me. I was not even having an emotional affair, I was having a huge dose of self pity and looking for answers in anyway I could. The questions I posed, however, were of the same seriousness as "if I won the lottery".

My husband, however, read my emails and decided I was having a flesh and blood affair. He kicked me out of the house and did not talk to me for 6 months. He never asked me about what he read. He never called and pretty much washed his hands of me. I should have left right then. But being young and of low self esteem I went back to him as soon as he let me.

I will always regret that stupid email. He never regretted reading it. But he did a lot of damage by not talking to me about it and, in his mind, I still lie about my intentions. 

DONT ever read emails. Especially if you think you will get the whole picture. You might. But you might also cause yourself needless damage and irreversibly hurt your wife.


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## Hurricane (Jun 7, 2008)

My wife spies on me all the time. She feels that if I have nothing to hide, there should be no problem. I changed my password once and that led to a huge fight. I don't use my email much anymore.


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## InDeep (Jul 7, 2008)

I'm in a bad mood today because my wife and I are in a similar spot, so I say 'divorce her.' What is it about women, that they want comfort and support, security and normalcy, then come to take it for granted, then get bored with it? Divorce her now, save yourself the hours, days, weeks, and months of pain, sitting in the passenger seat while she drives aimlessly about your relationship.

Ok. I feel better now (slightly) (not really). The constructive thing I'll say is that there's only one thing you can control and that's your actions. Not your thoughts, not your feelings, and certainly not hers. Don't do or say anything that is intentionally harmful to yourself, to her, or to your relationship. Resist spite and defensiveness and be the honorable and confident man you want to be (that I want to be).

Best, InDeep


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## marie38 (Jun 10, 2008)

InDeep said:


> I'm in a bad mood today because my wife and I are in a similar spot, so I say 'divorce her.' What is it about women, that they want comfort and support, security and normalcy, then come to take it for granted, then get bored with it?
> 
> In Deep- not all women are that way. I am sorry that there are many married women who seem to be "getting bored" and looking elsewhere- it never crossed my mind that routine and security was a bad thing- I truly am grateful for every day that i have that is secure. I am on the other end of the stick. I could generalize all men by my husband's "typical" cheating- but I know too many devoted men who truly love their families to think that all men are cheaters. Honestly- I'm beginning to think that the women are tipping the scales toward them being more apt to cheat. I'm no better than any one else- not by far. I don't cheat because i truly love my husband (as foolish as I probably am) and I'm a loyal person- to a fault sometimes.
> 
> ...


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