# Husband moved out last night



## Lyonene (Sep 15, 2011)

My husband moved out of our home last night for good...we had been fighting since June when I found out about his emotional affair with his co-worker. The OM is old enough to be my mother! He has been sleeping in the study since July and no matter what I do, he refuses to budge. Certain days, we seem loving again, but whenever I check his mobile, I would see all the loving texts and to date, He is still so "in love" with her despite her trying to pull away from him. I spoke to that woman calmly once, and she said it will nv work out between them bc she is married w 2 kids, she will not give them up. She was encouraging and nice to me, like a motherly figure. Damn it. To them, this emotional affair is not real, my husband said its just a game, a virtual thing. But they have met up, kiss and hug. Thats what he told me. He refused to tell me more and I had to resort to find things out from his frens and a common co-worker that knows all 3 of us. When the OM found out, she call to THREATEN me. Saying that I tried to smear her reputation and that she will no longer hold back her feelings for my husband and she will challenge me, that with a twitch of her finger, my marriage is over. That I have to mellow down to the 3rd party now...I was so furious and it was this stick that broke the camel's back. Shortly after, my husband called and shouted at me on what have I done, that woman created a scene in his office and he blames me. He refused to believe that woman said all those things to me...That day I told his parents what happened and that night we decided to annual our marriage. After I went to a lawyer and told him about the details, he seem shocked and angry that I went to the lawyer (He was the one who asked me to). All along him and the OW knew that I love my husband very much, so much that I will never leave, and it hurts me that not only is my husband taking advantage of that, but to have a 3rd party abuse me on this fact. We had many long talks since then and he said he wanted a physical separation so that we will not feel so painful than if we were to annul right now..we went to see our Pastor, but he refused to confess his sins and repent. He is very stubborn and prideful. We are both easily angered now. I did things Im not proud of when I was angry, but I have always honor and love him. The last night that he moved out, he came into the room and slept with me for one last time...sometimes he will seem like the man I married, he will still show me some affection. He said deep down he still love me, he still want this marriage, but he feels that we will not be happy forever because we have not changed. He has cheated on my before during our courtship days. The way he escape problems by cheating and e ways I responded... He told me whatever he has told me is the truth and from the bottom of his heart. Whatever he says to the OW are just words, doesnt mean anything to him. He likes but do not love her. How can he say that when in his msg he told her he has never love a woman so much before etc. Is this really just a game? Then what am I? I feel like he is just stringing me along, keeping me around while he plays his games and explore his options. He is selfish bc he knows I love him v much and he wants that but yet he will not give him the OW. He said the affair is ending soon bc he is also getting tired...Am i just a spare tyre? I told him I love him, I will wait for him to come home, but for our marriage to heal, he must end the affair. Permanently. Ive been praying and hoping that he will come to his senses soon. We both know what are our underlying problems, so if he still love me, why cant we work things out? We are just hoping this time and space can heal us and change us. Im getting so tired. Ive lost 12kg since all this started...its so draining...


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

> I spoke to that woman calmly once, and she said it will nv work out between them bc she is married w 2 kids, she will not give them up. .....When the OM found out, she call to THREATEN me. Saying that I tried to smear her reputation and that she will no longer hold back her feelings for my husband and she will challenge me, that with a twitch of her finger, my marriage is over.


What?

Honey that is an EMPTY threat, you hold all the cards and she`s in no position to harm you.

I`d simply tell her husband what she`s been up to with your husband and her little world will come crashing down.

Tell him today and watch her marriage crumble.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Cut your losses tell him to end it and go NC if he is not willing to do that see a lawyer and file for divorce. He will either put up or shut up.


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## Lyonene (Sep 15, 2011)

Yes. I found out where she lived and everything, but Im not a home wrecker and she has two kids..call me stupid or "gracious" but as long as I want my marriage, I will not do such things. And yes, I know I hold the cards now and my husband knows, thats why till date, he keeps insisting its not this woman anymore. The OW is someone else...but I know better.. haha. Sometimes I wonder is he still keeping me around bc he is afraid I will create trouble for her. He is protecting her...


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Well in that case expose everything hell your not the homewrecker she is.


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Agreed, who would be wrecking the homes? OW and your H. Not you, not the OWH. Giving the OWH a bit of information that is *extremely valuable* to making honest, educated, possibly life-changing decisions is a GIFT. He needs to know, just as you needed to know. If you tell him, he will probably thank you (at least eventually) for helping him understand what has been going on within his marriage as a result of your husband and his wife's actions. He may even already know.

Your H is lying to you, cheating on you, disrespecting your marriage and you know it, would you want to continue to live that way for years to come?

It wouldn't be your fault in any way to expose the affair to OWH. The fault lies squarely with the two people that are cheating. And they know it too, they're just in the fog and will deny responsibility as long as they possibly can.

You say your husband knows you love him so much "that you'll never leave"...I respect your devotion, but without that final boundary, he can take advantage of your lenience for as long as he wants...and it sounds like he has been.

Personally, since you have already separated, as much as you pray for him to come to his senses...I would tell him to go be with the OW and enjoy life. Proceed with the plans for annulment and mean it, see if that opens his eyes. If not, then you're doing the right thing anyway.

Wish you luck...


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Lyonene said:


> Yes. I found out where she lived and everything, but Im not a home wrecker and she has two kids..call me stupid or "gracious" but as long as I want my marriage, I will not do such things. And yes, I know I hold the cards now and my husband knows, thats why till date, he keeps insisting its not this woman anymore. The OW is someone else...but I know better.. haha. Sometimes I wonder is he still keeping me around bc he is afraid I will create trouble for her. He is protecting her...


Seriously? He says "no, it's not *her* anymore, it's some other woman that I'm having an affair with?"

Stunning.

Curious - do you both work/have income of your own?


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## Lyonene (Sep 15, 2011)

Shamwow said:


> Seriously? He says "no, it's not *her* anymore, it's some other woman that I'm having an affair with?"
> 
> Stunning.
> 
> Curious - do you both work/have income of your own?


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## Lyonene (Sep 15, 2011)

You know whats e best part? I have a successful career, a former beauty queen, to many I'm strong and independent in every way. My failure is I love him too much that I let him abuse me like this. He has changed ever since he became successful in his career, he has forgotten that I chose to be with him when he has nothing. To the outside world, we are e perfect couple, high flying etc, who knows...I have never taken a single cent from him as a wife, in fact everything we owned is shared.
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## Lyonene (Sep 15, 2011)

I know I'm being silly, hoping he'll change etc but I can't help it. I've been with him for 8 years, I have seen the good side of him and I'm hoping that man will resurface again. If he wants to, he can change.
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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My guess... He won't change until something forces him to. Personally, I think you should draw a line in the sand, based on the information about busting an affair in the infidelity forum. No more contact, transparency, honest counseling... If he doesn't follow through, stop playing around and get the annulment done. Start respecting yourself; he's not respecting you, and won't until you start to do that.

As far as breaking up another family, as others have said, its not you who would be breaking up the other family. It's the actions of the two of them that would be breaking up that family. All you're doing is exposing their actions to someone else who's being affected by it.

C
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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

Wow..she's the OW and she tries to threaten YOU? Amazing what goes on in cheater's minds, isn't it?
He's seeing another woman, yet he still wants the marriage to work???? How does THAT happen? Apparently, he wants the best of both worlds.
I am so sorry about all of this...but I think you're doing the right thing, talking to a lawyer..guess he didn't think you would actually go through with it..good for you. 
Like that old saying.."hell hath no fury like a woman scorned".


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Get a divorce. You said he cheated before the marriag eand after and he's still involved in the affair.

You deserve better. Don't be his back up plan.

If you havn't told the OW's husband, do it today. He deserves to know the truth.


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## Lyonene (Sep 15, 2011)

Hi PBear,

You are right. I have given him too much freedom, too much leeway, even my in-laws said so! In fact, he is still in contact with tt gal he cheated on me during courtship days, and I know that they have went out for at least one meal recently. All this thru the latest check on his phone just before he moved out. The text was like a normal friend text, but I know that is not what the gal wants!I guess it is history repeating itself because deep down he knows he can get away with it. Because I love him, I close many eyes to the things he do, but why should I lower my own standards just to keep him? The bombshell is: we have not consummated our marriage, due to my own psychological barrier, not once. And I think it is due to this that I allow things to happen. I blame myself alot for this. He had a PA during courtship simply for e sex, i get it...since he cant get that from me...but now? EA? When I said many underlying issues: this is the biggest one. The bittersweet news is: after seeing a sex therapist, I have overcome my fear. But he said he has given up on me...This is my biggest regret. I think my story is very complicated...and honestly sometimes I really wish I can dig out my brain and let it rest for one day. 
I send him a msg today that he knows that I love and still want to be with him, but I cant be his backup plan anymore. He needs to choose, Yes he does and not leave it to God. If he choose to be with me, he MUST give up all contact w e OW and including that gal he cheated w during courtship. Transparency and counseling. But if he cant give up his "frens" and instead would rather sacrifice me, then I will accept that. I want to be the one and only woman in his life. 
Our 2nd anniversary is coming up in Oct. I have been waiting to see his actions on that. I guess in a way I have set a deadline for him to make a decision.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So first off, when it comes to no contact, it means no contact. Not even a "friendly text"

Second, you've been married for two years, and haven't consummated your relationship? Those are the little details that may change the advice you get. It doesn't justify the cheating, however.

C
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## Lyonene (Sep 15, 2011)

Yup...including courtship...total of 8 years...I think one reason why I cant just pack and go is because I contributed to this too...in a way...yes it does not justify cheating....but it does affect e reln....very much...i think the cheating is just the trigger of the underlying probs that we have: lack of communication and intimacy... 
I am confident that we can do it now...but guess it cld be a case of too little too late...
And yes, ur right...NC means not even friendly text. Period.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Lyonene said:


> Hi PBear,
> 
> You are right. I have given him too much freedom, too much leeway, even my in-laws said so! In fact, he is still in contact with tt gal he cheated on me during courtship days, and I know that they have went out for at least one meal recently. All this thru the latest check on his phone just before he moved out. The text was like a normal friend text, but I know that is not what the gal wants!I guess it is history repeating itself because deep down he knows he can get away with it. Because I love him, I close many eyes to the things he do, but why should I lower my own standards just to keep him? *The bombshell is: we have not consummated our marriage, due to my own psychological barrier, not once. *And I think it is due to this that I allow things to happen. I blame myself alot for this. He had a PA during courtship simply for e sex, i get it...since he cant get that from me...but now? EA? When I said many underlying issues: this is the biggest one. The bittersweet news is: after seeing a sex therapist, I have overcome my fear. But he said he has given up on me...This is my biggest regret. I think my story is very complicated...and honestly sometimes I really wish I can dig out my brain and let it rest for one day.
> I send him a msg today that he knows that I love and still want to be with him, but I cant be his backup plan anymore. He needs to choose, Yes he does and not leave it to God. If he choose to be with me, he MUST give up all contact w e OW and including that gal he cheated w during courtship. Transparency and counseling. But if he cant give up his "frens" and instead would rather sacrifice me, then I will accept that. I want to be the one and only woman in his life.
> Our 2nd anniversary is coming up in Oct. I have been waiting to see his actions on that. I guess in a way I have set a deadline for him to make a decision.


Gosh. It's terrible that you are trapped in a relationship with a man who you have been unable to consummate your marriage with for, it appears, 23 months! While I normally am reluctant to recommend divorce as a solution to relationship problems, I think it is appropriate here. 

There are, like, so many men out there that would honor and respect you and take as much time as you need to work through that "psychological barrier," and you should be free to build a relationship with one of them. 

It is despicable that a man would cheat on his wife of almost 2 years just because she had never had sex with him. He must have been under the impression that sex was a part of marriage or something. You need to divorce him immediately, and let him reap what he has sown. Once he realizes that all the OW can offer is sex, he'll come to regret losing you. Really.


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## Lyonene (Sep 15, 2011)

well..we have been trying for 8 years...even during courtship days..its not that I dun want to...just that i cant..he did went to the sex therapy with me on the first appt last yr...but we got lazy and stop doing what was required....i only managed to overcome my fear after trying on my own..and thats one day after I met up w e OW...guess my fear of losing him made me determined to overcome my own fear...what an irony...i know sex is not everything...but it did contribute to alot of my insecurity...fustrations bet 2 of us...esp when we try and fail each time..over n over again...im not justifying his actions...but I understand to an extent...the fustration he felt...bc I felt them too...really hard....there is just so many things going thru my head now....killing me..


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## Lyonene (Sep 15, 2011)

I cant get the images out of my head...e texts he sent her: "I have never love a woman so much before in my life...you can vent your anger at me, throw tantrums, just stay by my side and talk to me...i know ur anxious as the trip is coming soon etc...i told u not don't worry...i can log in (he means msn), if you dun wana talk, you can just read my post etc...the woman was playing hard to get...giving him one word ans...and told him..."we talk too much, we are mistakes etc". But yet I know she is just sucking him in...perhaps as what she said...wanting to destroy my marriage...i also saw in my hubby's text to him and e OW common fren that they have deep feelings for each other....all these are haunting me day and night....i feel so insecure...paranoid...esp now that he is gone...tt woman's bday is 3 oct...are they planning a trip together? is it gonna evolve into a PA??? When confronted, my H said those are just words...he dun mean them...he "likes" her..not love. Whatever he said to me are the truth and comes from e bottom of his heart. To him, what he had w e OW is just virtual, a game. He said he is clear headed! He is either in serious denial or he is just stringing me along... when he is mad, he'll say v nasty things to me...or he wld tell me things like..ur still young, u deserve someone better, i dun deserve ur love etc...n i got really mad. Im not an object! When he is calm and I ask him do he still love me, he will say yes and he still wants this marriage..that he think of all we shared, the memories...that he stood outside my bedroom door every nite bc he can hear me crying...but he did say he do not want to raise my hope...i really have no idea...on one hand, it seem that he wana leave me...on e other he will say and do certain things that makes me feel that he still loves me...or maybe its just comfort...im sorry..i cant stop obsessing over all these thoughts...i made him promise to give this marriage a fair shot and not involve ourselves w others, be it EA or PA or watsoever...he did say many times I can date, but to me...im still honoring my marriage vows. I wont...


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

Lyonene said:


> I cant get the images out of my head...e texts he sent her: "I have never love a woman so much before in my life...you can vent your anger at me, throw tantrums, just stay by my side and talk to me...i know ur anxious as the trip is coming soon etc...i told u not don't worry...i can log in (he means msn), if you dun wana talk, you can just read my post etc...the woman was playing hard to get...giving him one word ans...and told him..."we talk too much, we are mistakes etc". But yet I know she is just sucking him in...perhaps as what she said...wanting to destroy my marriage...i also saw in my hubby's text to him and e OW common fren that they have deep feelings for each other....all these are haunting me day and night....i feel so insecure...paranoid...esp now that he is gone...tt woman's bday is 3 oct...are they planning a trip together? is it gonna evolve into a PA??? When confronted, my H said those are just words...he dun mean them...he "likes" her..not love. Whatever he said to me are the truth and comes from e bottom of his heart. To him, what he had w e OW is just virtual, a game. He said he is clear headed! He is either in serious denial or he is just stringing me along... when he is mad, he'll say v nasty things to me...or he wld tell me things like..ur still young, u deserve someone better, i dun deserve ur love etc...n i got really mad. Im not an object! When he is calm and I ask him do he still love me, he will say yes and he still wants this marriage..that he think of all we shared, the memories...that he stood outside my bedroom door every nite bc he can hear me crying...but he did say he do not want to raise my hope...i really have no idea...on one hand, it seem that he wana leave me...on e other he will say and do certain things that makes me feel that he still loves me...or maybe its just comfort...im sorry..i cant stop obsessing over all these thoughts...i made him promise to give this marriage a fair shot and not involve ourselves w others, be it EA or PA or watsoever...he did say many times I can date, but to me...im still honoring my marriage vows. I wont...


I can truly feel for you! I am in much the same boat... different reason... but I ask my H to leave to figure himself out... which with MC and alot of communication... we are working through this.. and I pray every night that we will come together soon with a brand new marriage. While separated we both had time to investigate what we BOTH did wrong in the marriage... I know my actions, and lack of actions in some cases was part of the problem. I have made a promise to God, myself and him that I will renew my commitment to this marriage... and I am hoping for the same for him. I will always do my best, will always have hope, and will be faithful to God. As we know are all humble flawed humans, and look to the Word of God to be guidance, and Christ be your saviour. When you feel weak, you can trust He will be there for you...

In the meantime, I give my hurt to God, as he will always console me. I will be patient and perservere in waiting for my H to come to me, and I return myself to him... we both being 'whole' for a solid marriage. I will strive to with all my heart to be the best woman to God, H, and myself. I will always have compassion, love, caring in my heart for H... I love him absolutely even though I do not love his bad acts. 
I have become a stronger, calmer, focused woman... knowing that this separation has made me a better woman for the future... whatever that may be.

I patiently wait.... I pray for us to re-unite... I will always be hopeful... though I understand he may not feel the same, and heaven forbid I ever receive divorce papers... but I understand that if he doesn't want me... I would never want him to remain with me unhappy for the remainder of his days. 

Go with God...


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## Lyonene (Sep 15, 2011)

Hi RoseRed,

Thanks for e encouragement, i hope things wk out for u n ur H. At least he is willing to go for counseling. For e period of time, he has been coming home with makeup stains n e collar, shoulder(where woman lean their cheeks on) n even love bites on his neck. When confronted, he denied everything. On tt night where we both decided to end things off (same day tt e ow called to threaten me), he made it clear tt he wants an annulment n even started splitting our assets w me. E whole wk after that e stains continue until e day I told him I went to e lawyer and told him bout e financial implications, maintenance etc. He was mad bc he thought I was asking him for maintenance. Anyway, right after that, the stains stop and he even made effort to be home earlier. When our pastor asked to meet us, I was surprised he agreed readily. I thought that was a sign of hope. At e session, I was in protective mode, refusing to look at him etc. He admitted to e EA n mentioned tt our underlying probs were lack of communication n intimacy. When probed by our pastor on whether there was sex involved, he said no. He knew he was in e wrong but he refused to confess to God and repent. Simply refused. When Pastor asked him do you want this marriage. He push the ball to me n said why dun u ask her first. Then start blaming me for going to e lawyer (which he asked me to do so), saying my attitude is very poor since e moment he walked into e room etc. I knew he was mad bc our Pastor was pushing him n he is full of pride n stubbornness now. Anyway a few days after he dropped e bombshell tt he is moving out, way earlier than expected. Whenever I asked him, do u love me, do u want this marriage, he wld always say "not at this moment, we ll talk again" initially he was telling me that this separation is for us to numb e pain of e impending annulment, to let our feelings die...but when he is calm, he wld tell me that there is still a little hope there for us. We need this time n space to heal n change us bc we have hurt each other too much. I dunno what to believe... He's such a gd actor, I can't tell e difference bet his lies n truth. Only once, I actually felt his pain. At times, I feel like I catch glimpse of my H, e one who love n dote on me. Other times, I feel like he is a monster...possessed by Satan. He is in a fog definitely. N he doesn't know what he wants. Or maybe he does but m too coward to do it. Been reading e forums n it's true..when the spouse is in e fog, every gd points I have r minimized n every bad points magnified. The two of them r living in a fantasy world. She sees a young, charming, successful man (who is her manger btw) who drives a nice big car, earning lots of money. Who can give he all e attn she need (she admitted to me that her husband travels a lot, but yet they are v happily married! WTF!) it's so obvious a woman tt old is just loving e attn my stupid H is giving her! I'm 27, she's 44! my H is 30 (I found out abt e EA on his 30th bday) yes I'm a virgin n tt means I'll be much tighter than a loose **** who alrdy had two children n goin into menopause soon! If he prefers a sugar mummy, fine. She sees a perfect man, I live with a man who is heavily in debt, to e extent that I have to lend him $ at times. Who knows my pain? My struggles w him? She dun have to live w a workaholic, she dun have to endure e lonely nights I faced. Yes I have my issues too, I'm really angry, I have slapped him, I have thrown drawers at him. Why? Bc every time i try to be nice to him, he wld tell me he's still not happy. When I let him slp in e other rm, he text e OW: now I'm slping in separate room, u can call me anytime. He always reject my attempts to go on dates, but h will actively ask her out. Even one hr is enough to kp him satisfied. What m I??? 
Nowadays I only have 3 emotions: anger, sadness and numbness. Right now I'm feeling really really angry. I told myself to go 180 on him. To back off n let him know I'm serious abt him making e choice to stay or go. It's hard. I'm used to e begging, telling him how much I love him, how we can make things work etc etc. Sometimes I really hate n despise myself for being unable to let go...
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## Lyonene (Sep 15, 2011)

Sometimes I wonder: m I still in love w my H or m I in love w e old H? To be honest, I have been pretty unhappy in my marriage, n I have entertained thoughts of being single, but y is it that tt we r separated, I'm not happy at all? I remember e man who would share everything w me, walk me to school before going to work, e man who surprised me by buying me a $70 bag that was too expensive in e eyes of a school girl. E man who was thrifty and loyal to me. A man who would do arts n crafts for me. Last yr he bought me a $3000 bag for Xmas. He gave it to me just before he was going out w his frens. Looking back, I'm more happy receiving the $70 bag than e $3000 bag. Bc I knew to a poor army boy then, $70 was ex to him too, but he bought it knowing I wanted it and he was ard to share my joy. I dun need fancy bags, expensive dates. I just need a man that loves and treasures me. I need quality time, not quantity. I nv ask for a lot, jus the basics. Why? He promised every night he ll kiss me on my lips, nose n forehead for e rest of our lives, promising to grow old with me. Why has tt all changed? Maybe I'm naive.. E last time he kissed my lips, nose n forehead was e night he left. Is tt e last time? He literally took all his affection, love n devotion from me n give it to someone else, leaving me little more than memories..where is e man who took me on a bday trip just in Jan. Who told me he was so grateful I'm such a supportive wife in April. How did everything just changed? So sudden...I give everything I can to this marriage, putting him ist in everything, but this is what I get in return. Not even a backward glance... Why can't I give up and walk away? Why do I still hope for a change? Why do I have to love him so much?
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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

You're not alone, all of us here know the push and pull of the feelings you have right now, and it's excruciating. Stay strong, do the 180 for yourself, not to try to get your H back. He has checked out, and while of course you have hope that will change, it will do you no good to dwell on that hope right now. Not saying you can't allow yourself to from time to time, you'll have no choice, it will occasionally overtake you and then just go with it, take a few deep breaths and get back to concentrating on YOU and YOUR LIFE. Because *he is not doing that for you anymore*. Remember that little fact whenever you feel weak. He is not supporting you right now, he is living his life at your expense.

I want my W from back the way she used to be, too...she's not there though, don't who the woman in her body is anymore. Probably never will again. Prepare yourself to move on and even if you don't feel it, act that way as much as you can.

Unless I missed it earlier...Presuming you still haven't contacted the OW's husband yet? If not, you probably will never break your H's fog, as both he and the OW are actively getting away with cake-eating at the expense of their spouses. You know about it...to your H, the fact that you're not blowing it out of the water shows weakness on your part. Besides the obvious moral aspect (breaking his vows in the most painful of ways), in his fogged mind, why should he stop? He has every reason to think "Well, what's she gonna do about it? Nothin'!". And then he calls OW, who he probably sees as a strong person (older, clearly experienced at cheating, and WAYYY too confident if she's threatening YOU), and that strength is something he is lacking from you. 

Who knows, OWH might say "Yeah, I know she cheats when I'm out of town. I deal with it because of the kids.", or something like that...then forget about all three of them and move on knowing you're the only one showing some spine and moral fortitude.

And...expose it even if you are going forward with annulment, why should they get to continue living a fantasy lie? So you don't have to hurt your H's feelings? Or make him mad? His feelings need to be hurt, and he does need to be mad (at himself, though he'll point it at you first). He's acting like a child, no matter how much you wanna see him as the man you thought him to be. If it's "meant to be" for your H and OW, then she'll leave her husband and they can be together. Like adults. Otherwise, their kids will grow up seeing mommy meet with "Uncle ___(your H)___", while daddy's at work, and won't take long before they know what mommy's up to. They can't grow up thinking that's okay...don't dwell on the kids in their marriage, it's the adults that have to grow up and face the consequences of their actions, for the sake of showing the kids right and wrong.

Neither of them deserve to be let off the hook in any way.

This OW sure deserves a slap of her own from you...proverbially, of course.


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## Lyonene (Sep 15, 2011)

Hi Shamwow, not sure y ur post is not reflected...yes he knew abt my "problem" before marriage. We have tried many times to have sex since dating days. Well, I want to do it w him, not tt I dun want to hah. In fact I think what frustrates us is bc we both want too, but every time when it comes to e crucial act, it's a door slammed in his face. I love him n I defn desire him sexually even now. E last time when we fought, he did use this against me saying tt he cheat bc I cldnt fulfill my duties as a wife etc. But when he is calm, he did tell me he dun blame me, bc he married me willingly even though he knew abt this prob. He even went to e therapist w me, however we both slack off on e things we were supposed to do. Anyway after discovery of e EA, when he was still slping w me, we tried again and failed. That was when he said it's e last straw for him, he cant take anymore disappointments. After my confrontation w e OW, I was super determined o overcome my fear of penetration. I did n I told him, but our reln was on a downhill since...I'm confident we can do it now and I'll still be willing to do it w me, I think this wld be my biggest regret if I dun..it's a matter of whether we still can be together. Was hoping we can do it on our anniversary next mth if things work out bet us. This has been one of e biggest prob we have. Sure, sex is not everything. But it is impt in a marriage...if he can come ard, n change, he will get e best anniversary gift ever. If he can't, then I guess I do deserve someone else. Someone who will treasure me...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

And the change wasn't sudden, it just was to you once you found out all the affair details. It was going on long before that, no matter what he tells you. At this point, you have no reason to believe one word out of his mouth. Believe his actions only. Words are meaningless when they are lies (esp if they're lies you want to believe).

Had to come to that realization with my W too, felt like everything happened so fast, and how could just a few weeks of fantasy EA matter so much to bring down a marriage? Then I discovered it was going on a few months before my discovery of the A, then discovered it went PA, and now I can only assume she was lying to me for a lot longer before this actually took place.

Sorry for the dark prognosis, just want you to take care of yourself and be prepared for the worst here. Miracles happen, but if they happened all the time they wouldn't be miracles. Odds are you have a hard time ahead, keep strong and keep posting your thoughts here. We'll help as much as we can.


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## Lyonene (Sep 15, 2011)

Hi Shamwow, I wanted to give him till our anniversary to make a choice. My husband is nv someone tt caves in to force. He goes w e soft approach. Perhaps I just wana give him one last chance. I know v clearly as long as he dun gt out of this fog, things might escalate to a PA. Well, I can't force him to choose either, only when he does it willingly then it will b permanent. But if it do come to a stage where an annulment is definite, yes I will make sure OWH knows abt it. I only have their address, so have to think carefully how to do it. I've said before, as long as I want this marriage, I will not do anything yet. But when I dun, I will make sure its hell for them. My husband knew I can be crazy n sometimes I think it's bc he's protecting her, tts why he do not dare to push me too far.. God...talking bout them now jus makes me so mad....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Lyonene said:


> Hi Shamwow, not sure y ur post is not reflected...yes he knew abt my "problem" before marriage. We have tried many times to have sex since dating days. Well, I want to do it w him, not tt I dun want to hah. In fact I think what frustrates us is bc we both want too, but every time when it comes to e crucial act, it's a door slammed in his face. I love him n I defn desire him sexually even now. E last time when we fought, he did use this against me saying tt he cheat bc I cldnt fulfill my duties as a wife etc. But when he is calm, he did tell me he dun blame me, bc he married me willingly even though he knew abt this prob. He even went to e therapist w me, however we both slack off on e things we were supposed to do. Anyway after discovery of e EA, when he was still slping w me, we tried again and failed. That was when he said it's e last straw for him, he cant take anymore disappointments. After my confrontation w e OW, I was super determined o overcome my fear of penetration. I did n I told him, but our reln was on a downhill since...I'm confident we can do it now and I'll still be willing to do it w me, I think this wld be my biggest regret if I dun..it's a matter of whether we still can be together. Was hoping we can do it on our anniversary next mth if things work out bet us. This has been one of e biggest prob we have. Sure, sex is not everything. But it is impt in a marriage...if he can come ard, n change, he will get e best anniversary gift ever. If he can't, then I guess I do deserve someone else. Someone who will treasure me...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


[my post isn't reflected because I deleted it immediately after writing, looked like other people had touched on the same questions about the lack of intimacy you mentioned, so figured my questions might be redundant...]

That said, thanks for the details...sexual intimacy is a fickle thing. It's either:

1. there
2. not there
3. or one or both partners are "trying" to make it be there. 

I've been in "1" and "3" during the good times in my marriage, and "2" over the last few months (this one is no good). When things are "not working" in that department, whether it's because one person is self-conscious about their appearance, general stress and resentment, or fear of not being good, etc...it makes each and every next attempt harder, because both people build up anxiety about it. Some people are just not compatible that way, is it possible you feel that way, and just haven't admitted it to yourself? Have you ever gratified each other in ways besides straight up sex (penetration)? Or are pretty much all things sexual kind of foreign to the two of you as a couple? Please don't feel you have to answer if this makes you uncomfortable...just trying to understand the depth of the situation.

I wish he would have given you two a chance to make the intimacy situation right (esp with you making steps like going to sex therapy), before stepping out on the marriage with OW to meet his needs. But don't dwell on wishing what might have been. Deal with your current situation and look to the future. Past is done with, no matter how much you want to relive it.


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## Lyonene (Sep 15, 2011)

They started in late April, early may. N when I look back, all e red flags was there. The increasingly lack of intimacy frm my husband. The staying in e study late to chat, he even talk to me abt her. How she n her husband can trust each other so much etc. What a slap in e face..e food he brought home from her...n his change in appearance. he was also picking on me more n more..e excessive textings...even bringing e phone into e bathroom w him...haiz...
I miss him terribly, but when I thought of e things he has done n still doing, I just get so mad. It's driving me nuts. 26pounds in 4mths. I can't slp, I can't eat..I can't work properly...I just wana hibernate...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lyonene (Sep 15, 2011)

Oh well, he can only cum thru penetration or DIY. I allow him to watch porn bc since I can't fulfill it, he do need a release somehow. In fact e weekend before he left, I caught him DIY. Smites I tell myself I rather he's doing tt n not finding ways outside. Nah, we are both horny as hell and wana do it w each other. He does satisfy me in tt dept but I feel bad I can't. I can only get him all excited n slammed e door at e impt moment. It's not intentional on my part, but to him I think it grew to a pt where he was fed up of my "teasing". Haiz.. To him w this woman, it's not abt e sex, but hw understanding she is etc..its e emotional needs..but then physical is not tt far behind either. He is just a man after all...stupid man...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lyonene (Sep 15, 2011)

Sexually I wld say we r compatible...but years of failure has led to lots of anxiety n frustration, for him n me. I dwell on this prob every single day, n I get so insecure. N it's this insecurity tt makes me always questioning him, "nagging" him, making him feel tt I dun love him...it's a vicious cycle, our behavior....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Lyonene said:


> Perhaps I just wana give him one last chance. I know v clearly as long as he dun gt out of this fog, things might escalate to a PA._Posted via Mobile Device_


You have to assume they already are in PA. The fact that he won't break it off shows it's very important to him, and you are not.



> Well, I can't force him to choose either, only when he does it willingly then it will b permanent.


YES YOU CAN. You can't force him to make the "right choice", but you can certainly force him to choose. He may not choose you, which is why you're afraid to drop that on him...but at least you'll know where you stand for sure.

Waiting until he actually does escalate to PA (on the off chance that he hasn't already)? Sorry, but that's like watching someone walk toward a cliff and decide that you'll try to stop them once they step over the edge. Once it's done, it's done. No one can ever undo it. Why give him any slack to take this on his own time? What about your time? You are in control, because you hold secrets that will make his A very difficult.



> But if it do come to a stage where an annulment is definite, yes I will make sure OWH knows abt it.


Again, why wait? (I did wait until my mind was made up to leave, so I get it) But if I had known earlier on like you did, I could've possibly stopped it from progressing to the point it did. I dragged my feet for weeks on contacting OMW, and most everyone here told me again and again how important it was to do, though painful. In my case, OMW thanked me profusely for confirming her suspicions and putting her in control of her situation. Works this way in most cases, even if they're shocked or sad at first. Making another person cry when you don't even know them is a painful thing to do. But they are just like you, and would like to know what's going on in their marriage, esp if their spouse has been lying to them.


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## Lyonene (Sep 15, 2011)

E funnynthing is e ow said her husband knew abt her texting w my husband, but just assume they were normal colleagues...I dunno...confused n yes, scared..
So u think I shldnt even give him till next mth to think over what I said? I know there's a high chance he ll not choose me, but I want him to make tt decision when he is calm, away from me. Bc right now, he changes his answer each time he's angry. I dun want that...I want a real n permanent decision, b it gd or bad...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## looking4support (Sep 12, 2011)

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I don't have any helpful advice for you on what to do with your husband.

For the spouse of the OW at work, I would let him know. I know that I would want to be aware if my spouse was cheating on me. He may already suspect but not have any proof! Why make him and thier children live in a lie? They deserve to move on with thier lives and find a happy home with true love and acceptance.


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## Lyonene (Sep 15, 2011)

E funnynthing is e ow said her husband knew abt her texting w my husband, but just assume they were normal colleagues...I dunno...confused n yes, scared..
So u think I shldnt even give him till next mth to think over what I said? I know there's a high chance he ll not choose me, but I want him to make tt decision when he is calm, away from me. Bc right now, he changes his answer each time he's angry. I dun want that...I want a real n permanent decision, b it gd or bad...I think I'm too soft hearted...I have nv given him a deadline, only I know in my heart when was e deadline I set for him...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Lyonene said:


> E funnynthing is e ow said her husband knew abt her texting w my husband, but just assume they were normal colleagues...I dunno...confused n yes, scared.._Posted via Mobile Device_


All you have to do is remember who said this...the OW. Who is unfortunately a cheater, and therefore you can't trust a word she says. Especially if it's something like that, about her husband knowing about texts, etc, and that he doesn't think it's a big deal. 999 out of 1000, he would TOTALLY think it's a big deal if he knew the content of the messages.




> So u think I shldnt even give him till next mth to think over what I said? I know there's a high chance he ll not choose me, but I want him to make tt decision when he is calm, away from me. Bc right now, he changes his answer each time he's angry. I dun want that...I want a real n permanent decision, b it gd or bad...I think I'm too soft hearted...I have nv given him a deadline, only I know in my heart when was e deadline I set for him...


As with everything in life, it's up to you. But I would blow the A out of the water as soon as possible, ie *right now*. If you keep giving him more time to "decide", all the while you're not in the same house and he's seeing OW as much as he wants, that will only give them time to cement their bond even more, doing you no good.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

Lyonene said:


> Hi RoseRed,
> 
> Sometimes I really hate n despise myself for being unable to let go...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Oh my, your H is so lost right now... and I know you so desparately want to help him find his way... I truly know your pain... 

but you got to remember... 

there is very little in this life we can control
there is quite a bit that doesn't need controlling
and a hell of alot that we can't control..

What you can control... yourself... strive for and remain a good woman and good wife... lead by example... be strong, faithful, chin up and confident... 

remember... 1 Corinthians 10:13


God bless you!


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## Lyonene (Sep 15, 2011)

1 Corinthians 13:4
Love is patient. Love is kind. This is what I believe n live by. My strength on days that I can't hold on anymore...

Second day of 180 on H. Missing him terribly..in a 6 stars hotel w my gal frens now, n yet still can't stop wishing he was here...wishful thinking...he has not contacted me once since I told him that he need to choose...haiz...I wish this nightmare will end soon......
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Suemolly (Jun 19, 2011)

Lyonene, when I read through your posts, it strikes me that you are a really good woman. However, your goodness and kindness are lost on your husband - and he has disrespected you and your marriage to the point where divorce may seem inevitable. Honestly, I think he is already being punished by God or karma or whatever faith you believe or don't believe. The proof lies in that he has a kind, generous, beautiful, pure woman like you as a wife waiting for him and loving him unconditionally despite his many faults and errors....and yet he chooses a much older married woman who herself is dishonest and cheating on her own family. Her moral character is despicable. What does that tell you? He chooses meat over steak. Many great thinkers have said that our character is the omen of our destiny. I don't have any guarantee for this but I would like to think that you are destined for greater things in life, whereas its all downhill for him..and one day you will look back and be grateful this whole mess happened and you got a chance to walk away from it all. I never like to tell people callously to get a divorce or leave their spouse. I am the type who believes that many lost causes can be fought and won, and there is always hope when you don't give up. But in your case, I feel your husband has so little to offer and you have been putting up so much with all the crap due to your loving, kind, forgiving nature. I am sure when you put yourself up in the market again to date new people, at least 8 out of 10 of those guys will make you happier and fulfilled as a woman than your husband ever could. I wish you the best of luck, and please stay strong in these hard times you're facing.


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## Lyonene (Sep 15, 2011)

Thanks suemolly.. Ya been trying to just kp myself occupied. N I'm grateful w gd frens who has been so supportive n good ppl who has replied to my posts... Thanks for e advice n encouragement. Well my self esteem is quite low at this point. I do feel like a failure somehow...oh well I guess only time can heal me now..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lyonene (Sep 15, 2011)

Feeling really sad now..it's 8.46pm and I just woke up to have my dinner, just wana crawl back into bed after this. This afternoon found a picture of e OW through the co website, and I just felt so disgusted and angry that my husband is giving ME up for THAT old piece of meat. I felt so so insulted. Btw H is also still in contact w e **** that he has a PA w during courtship days. N e joke? His frens told me, I have nothing to worry about, she is incomparable to me in terms of looks and everything...what a ****ing joke..I'm so pissed he is giving everything up to be w his "frens". Giving me up. I'm just so filled w anger thinking how well they are sleeping at night, how they must be laughing at my stupidity...I feel like I'm losing my mind...returned his parents call and told them H has moved out...my MIL has e nerve to ask me why didn't I try my best to keep him etc etc. Till this date, she still finds it so unbelievable tt her precious son has changed..btw they knew abt all our probs and e stories. My FIL has spoken to H before this separation and even his own father do not believe e **** his son is spewing...I'm grateful they still wants me as their DIL, but I told them, it's not bc I wana leave, it's bc ur son do not want me anymore. E whole world is concerned about our marriage, even his sister who is married n based in e states has shown concern, everyone except him. It's only day 2 of my 180, and it's killing me. I so wana msg him and know how is he doing? Does he miss me? Is he still coming back home? what are his thoughts? Damn it. Why am I feeling this mixture of anger, frustration, sadness. I'm so confused. I'm so angry at his betrayal of me n our marriage. There were times I wish he was dead instead, n times I wish he was holding me in his arms. In my head, I want to leave him, but in my heart, I still want him? Why m I doing this to myself? M I really addicted to suffering? Please help me..how do u get thru ur 180? How am I gonna control my thoughts n feelings...e insecurities tt I feel, e obsession I have over him n e ow..I need my sanity back...my frens can't understand what I'm going thru bc they have not experienced it. Pls tell me how m I gonna move on. I need to move on...away from this emotional roller coaster...scared tt I'll sink into a depression as I always see myself stuck in a deep well, I can't get out...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lyonene (Sep 15, 2011)

Well, I failed in my 180 miserably..on the 4th day...he came home once to pick up his stuff and we end up talking about our situation again. Saw make up stain on his shoulder that night again...when confronted, he actually blames me n our problems, that it was due to all this so he has to go drinking, partying to numb himself. He is not aware what women were close to him as its all under the influence of acholol...oh well...i just let it go...He told me he do not feel that we will be able to be together at this moment because we are going to make the same mistakes, n we will not be able to forgive each other...till this date, he is still in denial that there is nothing wrong with "texting", he knows what he did was wrong, but jus keep on finding excuses for that mistake...why cant he just admit and repent?? Is that really his ego and pride at work? During the talk, his eyes were red and teary, and i dunno is it bc he was sad, or just tired haha... i got so fustrated talking that I just left him and go to sleep. He text me goodbye when he left and we kissed each other gd night (via text). E next morning we started a long text again and e same story, me trying to convince him to give us a try, that i still love him etc..n he told me he is scared he will disappoint me...i will always have a special place in his heart...and that he will obey the ground rules that I have set for this separation...back to square 1 no conclusion....he dun wan to leave, and he dun wan to stay too, wth does he want? Two nights ago, i woke up at 3.30am and started texting him continuously and even called him at 4am to get him to reply me...he didnt...when he woke up, he text me and said Im crazy, ask me to get hold of myself, to stablise myself, to stop loving him so much because i will end up hating him bc he cant reciprocate....in my last text, i told him i cant do this anymore, and i need to leave....so he asked me: pls elaborate what you mean by ur leaving" i didnt ans him. 
I know Im becoming crazy and paranoid...and why did i say im leaving? Bc I really feel like doing so...i feel that im in love with the man i fell in love with many yrs ago, not this man anymore...what we had for the first 6 years was a beautiful memory, but the last 2 yrs of marriage is just a dream, at times nightmare..i want to let go...but i cant bear to...he tells me conflicting things all e time, sometimes that he wants to end, sometimes that we can still work out just not now...


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## Lyonene (Sep 15, 2011)

The one thing I have come to terms with is: It is not that I am not good enough. Its just that I am not the right one for him - right now and perhaps in the future that he envision...
He always tell me: you are not at your peak yet, and someday you will cheat on me..
What rubbish! I am not a despicable **** like that ***** he "likes". Felt so insulted..esp when he used to compare and tell me how alike I am with the OW...
I dun cry anymore...thats a good start...right now, just numb...i dun feel angry when i look at e OW pic or talking about her....my mom says Im in denial over my situation...i think a part of me has died..


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