# When is it time to call it quits? I could use some advice ...



## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

Even though I am asking for advice and input I allready know what is going to be told to me. I still need to do this and hear people's opinions. 

Some of you may remember me, but I haven't been around for awhile. I thought I was a success story, but it's becoming less of one, and I'm really struggling with what to do. 

Background - I've been married almost 18 years now, and 16 months ago found out my wife had been having an affair on me for a couple of years without my knowledge. As soon as I found out I realized some of the ways I had neglected our relationship and factors I had contributed lead her to do what she did - not that I bore the blame, it was her faithless actions that did it, she bears that responsibility. But I understood what had gone wrong and decided to fight. 

It took 3-4 months for her to come out of the fog (mostly). Finally through counselling and help we began to heal and thought we had been a success story. I did find out down the line that she tried to keep him "as a friend." They never saw each other, but they would talk still. She has given that up now as well, and I know that for a fact. 

For the last 7 months I thought things were going incredibly. My job now has me travelling alot, but things seemed to be great between us. I wasn't hardly ever checking up on her any more, trust was really being built back, I thought things were great. Then on a random cell phone records check I noticed an hour long call to a number I didn't know in the middle of the night while I was out of town. Turns out she had flirted with a saleman at a store she was in and they wound up having phone sex. 

Then I started finding out that she had been lieing to me about a few other things. Money I didn't know about. She and I like to go dancing, but she knows I'm not comfortable with her going without me ... well I found out that when I'm out of town her and her sister have been going dancing and she has been lieing about that. 

So, I've peppered this with the bad side of the story. There are good sides. We do love each other. We do have three kids (17, 12, 10) who we don't want to hurt. The youngest two would take it especially hard. I have no doubt that she has finally broken off all communication with the OM. We are both religious and believe that divorce is wrong (although I certainly have biblical authority for divorce in this case, it is never God's choice or will for it to happen though). We do have fun together and genuinely care for each other. 

Coupled with this, there is a girl who I am attracted to and who has been friendly towards me and if I were free I think that there could be something there. I would never pursue it or open any doors while I am married because I know that it is wrong. But I am now questioning whether it is time to call it quits. 

I had dinner and a discussion with my wife about this last week. Basically she said she "loves me but she most of the time doesn't feel 'in love' with me". She would let me go. She really will not end the marriage, she is commited to staying (though I question what would happen once the kids are gone), but she would let me end it. She says that she wants me to be happy. She doesn't want either of us to be hurt. She is going to start counselling again tommorow afternoon. 

I don't doubt that she will do her best to make this work, and will not ask for or seek divorce unless I do. But I'm affraid of putting aonther 10 years into this marriage and then when the kids are all gone having it end then. Then I'm old and alone and bitter. At the same time, I'm affraid of ending it now. What if I can't find anyone else? What if I'm alone now and she winds up going back to OM? I don't know if I could handle that. That would definately leave me bitter, depressed and jealous. 

I just don't know what to do. I love her. I love her very much. But we married at 18 and maybe we have just both changed too much for this to work any more. At this point, with these recent betrayals, I don't know if I can ever learn to trust her again, and I'm tired of the stress of wondering what she is doing. 

Advice anyone?


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

In my opinion, the time has come. Her saying that she would let you go is a good indication that she has already checked out of the marriage, at least in terms of being dedicated to you. She's going out dancing with other men while you are away and flirting/phone-sex with other men she meets during her daily life. You can still have fun with each other, and care for each other, while not being married to each other. However, unless you are willing to live with your wife going out on you, you'll never be happy.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"I had dinner and a discussion with my wife about this last week. Basically she said she "loves me but she most of the time doesn't feel 'in love' with me". She would let me go."- There's your answer right there. You pretty much sealed your fate by telling her your feelings for this girl. I know you should be honest, but now if she gets into another affair she's goona say it was because she "thought you didn't care anymore." You guys are only going through the motions now. This isn't a marriage anymore; its co-habitation. You guys need to call it quits already. The reason she won't call it herself is because she's gonna blame the divorce on you.


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

I didn't tell her about the other girl (not that it's really an OW. It's someone I've had a couple of conversations with). We talked about the lack of trust, the things that have been going on, the way she has been treating me (coldly at times, great at others). I'm tires of not the crap, I want to just be happy.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

My bad. Look, it seems as though the both of you have pretty much checked-out of the marriage. Like you said... you don't want to look back years from now resentful of the fact that maybe it was best to have moved-on. I think you know the answer to you own question. You just need validation for the feelings your experiencing. I'm not going to tell you what to do because you already know.


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## InGodITrust1906 (Jul 1, 2011)

As others have said, it unfortunately seems that you are headed to divorce court. It's very unfortunate but sometimes marriages do not last past a certain point nowadays. I hate to think that you love this woman so much that she doesn't feel the same for you. That is emotional suicide. In time, you will heal as with any wound. Life will be what it is for her and you. You still have to live life for yourself and your children.

You seem like a nice guy too. Sometimes that is not the best thing in situations like this. It's very difficult what you are going through I know first hand. You can't think, sleep, eat or anything. Keep in mind, while you are going through this, she is living her life to the fullest. If she loved you, she'd sit you down and express how transparency could be displayed going forward. She hasn't and won't maybe. I pray you find solace in this situation. No one likes to have their hearts broken.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

You already know that you're headed toward D, you're just having a hard time accepting it. It's obvious she hasn't changed or learned anything from the last affair. All she did was lay low until the dust settled. Now you are traveling out of town a lot and you are getting the ILYBINILWY speech again. Her sister is enabling her lifestyle of GNOs and partying, having phone sex with a guy she allegedly just met, etc. 

She's cheating on you again, and if she's not, she's already shopping around for a new man. It's only just a matter of time before she packs up and leaves for the new man that she's found.

You seem to be afraid that you can't find someone. Work on your self esteem issues. Yes, you have been married 18 years and you're afraid of being old, alone, and bitter later on. Why? Your WW certainly isn't, is she? She's out there partying right now looking for another man. If she can find another man, you can find another woman too. You can find happiness again after divorcing her. I've been married longer than you, I'm 45, my oldest is in college, but I'm not afraid to end my marriage and find someone else if I have to. I know I have a lot to offer a potential mate.

Have self confidence in yourself. Like another thread says, Self Confidence is like kryptonite to affairs.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I would have to believe that the both of you had the talk "if you do this again I'm done"...well did you?

You sound like a man that has conviction to your faith and family, so stand by your word, and if you did in fact make that statement, well then!

As I am assuming you made some remark to "if this ever happen, then....."

Is this correct?


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