# Newlyweds, pregnant... Husband depressed and quit his job.



## JC113 (Nov 25, 2014)

A year ago I fell in love with the man of my dreams. He was exciting, attentive, affectionate, extremely sexual, expressive, and all the while being a man's man. He was a police officer with a presence, confidence, and is hard working in and out of work. He proposed to me in April after 7 amazing months together. Just two months later, we found out we were expecting a child - my 2nd and his 3rd. Not long afterwards, I was laid off from my job. We decided to go ahead and tie the knot in a more informal wedding so that I could be covered by his insurance. I quickly planned a wedding and by August, we were married and in trimester #2, where we found out we were having a boy. We are all very excited. By September, I managed to obtain a contract position in a large successful company and also won a discrimination case against the employer that laid me off. Things were looking up. Except the marriage.... Immediately after the wedding, my husband started having a hard time at work. He was stressed, depressed, unattentive, unaffectionate, and cold. Our sex life came to a complete stand still. I even caught him looking at porn. I was upset, blaming my new baby belly for what must be his unattraction to me. However, he swore that all of the problems were stress related and that he needed to quit his job. He knew he couldn't because he carried the insurance for us all, which stressed him out further. But what stressed him out the most was my emotional state due to the very drastic and sudden change in our relationship. He would get so upset that he would threaten suicide, telling me he would get his gun and shoot himself. I decided therapy was the way to go at this point. So, we started marriage counseling. My husband also put his resume out and found a new job. In counseling, the therapist speaks a lot about what a high stress life we live, so patience as we let the waters settle is key to improve our situation. So, I put a smile on my face and back-burnered my sadness about the lack of affection and intimacy. I started doing what I could to support his emotions. He wanted a big shiny truck for his new job so we did just that. We now have a $1,000 note. Additionally, I paid off all of his debt, paid all the bills for our home, did all of the housework as he was working excessive hours trying to prove himself at this job. It was exhausting being that I am 7 months pregnant, but I was hoping to start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. That did not happen. My husband was working for a company that pushed him to his limits mentally, emotionally, and physically. His depression got worse. The night before he quit this job, he held a gun to his head in our bathroom in front of me. Our kids were in the other room doing their homework. I calmed him down and he left the house. When he returned, I told him to do what he had to do but he had to get help. I could not have my son and our new son being brought up in a house with a suicidal man for a role model and father/step-father. So, he went to work the following day and quit. He said he will take the rest of the year off and get better. He has not brought up getting professional help which he needs. Rather, he is just doing projects at the house, fishing, relaxing... . On the other hand, I still struggle but now with extra weight. We still have no intimacy and he is even more cold. He "barks" at me in spontaneous rages if I so much as say something that he does not agree with. I think he has forgotten that this role I am in at my company is contract and not full-time. In 60 days, I will not be earning pay. There are hopes that this employer may hire me on as a full time employee, but nothing is guaranteed. I only tried to talk to him about finances and that resulted in a very intense rage. I am now having to pay a ton toward an insurance plan outside of an employer without his help. Additionally, I have inherited the responsibility of paying 100% of the bills until he does find something. We are weeks away from Christmas and I am even sad that I know there will not be anything for me from my husband under our tree. I get sad about a lot of things. However, if he sees me sad, he gets furious. He now blames me for his prolonged "recovery time", saying that if I would just get over this then he would start to return to normal. We were married in August. It is now days from December and I feel like I am living with a stranger. How can he expect me to not feel emotion during this? How can I turn my attention to this being "all about him" and depression... and take the focus off of my own feelings? It seems IMPOSSIBLE as I am 38, mentally and physically exhausted and emotionally, I am a train wreck. I am daydreaming about divorce now... future happiness with someone else. However, the someone else I am daydreaming about is the man I fell in love with a year ago. I still want to be with my husband... I just don't know if he exists anymore.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think you need to insist he look into professional help. The odds of him just "snapping out of it" on his own is pretty slim. And the added stress coming down the tunnel at you of financial chaos and a new baby will make things much worse quickly. 

C


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## Me'N'My'Girl (Jan 10, 2010)

I really think he needs to find help before the birth of your son. Things will get ten times more difficult with a newborn in the house and with you not working anymore.


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## Me'N'My'Girl (Jan 10, 2010)

And I might not be the best to give advice on this subject as I'm struggling with my life too, but this huge deterioration in just 2 months of marriage, i honestly don't think this marriage will survive.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

I think you need to fall in line with the other ladies here (and a few men) unfortunate enough to fall for the false charms of an emotionally manipulative bully.

ANYONE might hate their job and leave,, but twice in a row? Any other cops or drivers quit at the same time due to the 'stressful environment'?

Where was this depression when you were dating? (The charm stage).

You might still give him the benefit of the doubt,, but he adds two more classic signs of the emotional abuser. Suicide threats and blaming you for his woes.

Good people get depressed. They turn miserable,,, they don't turn bad.

If he were genuinely depressed., impending fatherhood and poverty wouldn't cheer him up. And what's he doing to get better? Playing with his adult 'toys' while you work your àss off. Anything but get help,, cuz a pro' will see right through him?

If he's threatening suicide (as well as blaming you) I wouldn't want a gun in the house. I think the chances of him committing suicide are lower than the chances of him committing a murder/suicide. He's not going to check out without taking the person who's fault it is with him.

ALL the hallmarks of the emotional abuser are present. He only has violence left to progress to,, and controlling your actions.

Without help he will get worse. Insist he gets it. When he refuses and rages, leave.

Sooner or later while that gun is around,, you and your child are in g high-risk environment.

Don't feel sorry for him,, that's how he manipulates you. Wake up to what he is,, don't make excuses for him,, and leave if he won't get help. 

It's not your fault. It's all him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JC113 (Nov 25, 2014)

There is a high turnover at the pd he worked at and I did not blame him for leaving. At least he waited until he found something else first. However, it put us without insurance. My parents were disappointed at that and now they are even more disappointed that he left me being the sole provider to clean up the mess, pay the bills, obtain insurance, and deal with the stress at T-70 days to baby.
I'm a strong woman and I worked with my first child, taking 6 weeks maternity leave and returning to work with my breast pump in hand. I do not mind working and rather, I enjoy it. I just did not anticipate being the only worker and it is stressful as the position is not a permanent one (yet). We can only hope.
As for where the depression was a year ago... it was non-existent. I cannot even begin to express how happy I was. He swept me off of my feet every morning and every night with sweet words and embraces. 
He blames everything on depression. He blames the depression on his bad luck with his jobs. He blames the prolonging depression on me being impatient with his recovery. 
Thing is, I do not see him changing. I only see myself hurting. But I am "not allowed to hurt". I even get in trouble for talking about my problems in therapy. Isn't that what therapy is for?
I can't say I fear for my life but I can say I fear for his. He is proving himself to be impulsive in a way that is irresponsible and endangering. I always believed if someone was going to take their own life, they would do it without threatening it. However, for some reason I just do not put it past him to pull the trigger on himself. His reason to be to hurt me. I know some must think there has to be more to this... but there isn't. I am a sexually frustrated pregnant newlywed who just misses her husband... and the husband is in a downward spiral sinking to rock bottom. Sometimes I just want to run away. My son is so happy where he is at with his new step siblings... I wish I knew what the miracle cure was.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Lots of people can be happy in the honeymoon phase of a relationship. That's one of the reasons why marrying quickly is dangerous... You don't yet know what that person will truly be like long-term. Did you know him before you started dating? How well did you really get to know him while dating? 

In any case, you need to think of the needs of your children and yourself. The fact that he threatened suicide with the kids in the house (or even had the gun out for anything other than msibtenance) would be a show-stopper for a lot of people. If you were my daughter or someone I cared about, I'd tell you to get out and get yourself and your child safe, and support him in getting the help he needs as much as you can while remaining safe. But he will have to put in the hard work himself. 

What did your family think about your whirlwind romance? What about the father of your son? If my ex was married to someone like your husband, you'd be in a major court battle for custody, as I wouldn't want my son anywhere around someone as unstable as he is. 

C


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

The miracle cure is divorce papers.

You are an intelligent, strong woman who already sees where this is headed. Someone has to WANT to change for THEMSELVES. The man you thought you married is gone.....never really was anyway. You know what you need to do. I'm sorry you got wrapped up in this.


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## JC113 (Nov 25, 2014)

Yes we had a great "honeymoon phase" you can say. My son's father really liked him. I have known him for a few years before we started dating. He is actually my brothers best friend and they went to the academy together. So although 7 months of dating hardly qualifies one to know someone inside and out, I had zero fears and everyone around me felt only good things about this. Even when the wedding got pushed up a year due to the pregnancy.
My son's father and I are both protective of our son. He is not the type to go to court for custody. But he would have a problem with the suicide threats and rightfully so. Tables being turned, I would be in court.
I am an extremely positive person... capable... confident... and this marriage is tearing all of that down. I would normally have walked out but I feel trapped. I want so badly for this to work... so that is why I feel stuck. I just can't see giving up yet.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So your son's father doesn't know about the turmoil at home? Does anyone know? 

You're enabling your husband's behaviour. As long as you continue to enable it, he will continue it. Until, of course, the baby is born and things take a sharp turn for the worse... 

Sorry to be harsh, but that's my outsider's view of your situation. 

C


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## JC113 (Nov 25, 2014)

Well, the therapist knows... but nobody else. Well now this forum too. I'm a pretty private person and also very aware that so many are quick to judge. Friends and family mean well when they lend a listening ear but I am the one vested in this relationship and not them. So it is easy for them to turn their backs on us if we do try to work through our marital issues. I have learned that from past experience. Outside pressures from friends and family can take a toll on the two people struggling. 
Yes, that makes it harder. But that is why I am here. The harsh words and criticism are not only welcome but appreciated as well. Sugar coating is probably the line of crap I have been dishing myself since September.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I obviously don't know about your relationship with your ex, but I think he has a right to know, considering the potential impact to his son. 

Speaking of ex's... Why did your husband's previous marriage end? 

C


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## JC113 (Nov 25, 2014)

Married young (I was engaged at 21, married by 23) and we separated when my son was 3. Tried for a long time to make it work but when you're young, walking away after a decade of struggle is very appealing. I was 31 and definitely feeling my prime. I am 38 and pregnant... walking away is definitely not as appearling as it was so many years ago. Of course, that is not my reason for staying. I would gladly choose a life of single parenthood over a miserable household. The children suffer both ways but they do suffer less not being a witness to parental misery and fighting.
What I learned today is that I am not alone in how I feel. I questioned if I was selfish having such heavy emotion and being unable to continue emotionally supporting a depressed husband. I learned that my safety and that of my son's is something that maybe I never questioned but obviously I should have. I also opened my eyes to the fact that maybe the glass isn't always half full.. and although I wanted this marriage to work so badly, maybe it just won't.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Your upset - the upset you aren't supposed to tell the therapist about - enrages him because it reminds him of his inadequacies. He likes to think he has none so you are allowed to have two faces - your happy face, reflecting your contentment (with him) and your sympathy/empathy face,, reflecting your understanding of the problems that beseige him.

The physical abuser doesn't put his new bride in the hospital on their wedding night. It's a pinch. When she tolerates that it's a slap. By the time it gets to hospitals, there's none of who she was left to defend herself.

Your hubby is doing the same to you with different methods.

You've bought the depression/pinching (twice). He's bolstered this with his suicide threats. If he were genuinely suicidal, d'you think his contemplations would coincide with you watching him? Why not hold the gun to his head when you aren't there/watching?

Now that you've bought the depression he's moved to the next stage,, blaming you for it (slapping). You're still tolerating.

You're tolerating his rages. Rages to make you hide your upset face. If you don't leave,, in a month or two your upset face will be gone along with the strength it took you to keep it.

He's dismantling you bit by bit, piece by piece, the same as a physical abuser and, just like a physical abuser's victim, you're hoping it'll get better.

As you've said, if it were somebody else you'd advise them to get out? How? If a 'strong' woman can't do it, how can a weaker one?

He is taking your strength slowly but surely by a recognised progression. If you can't leave now it'll only get harder.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

It's not just your son's physical safety, either. Imagine the emotional trama to your son if he witnessed your husband threatening suicide, much less committing it. Not to mention the horrible example your husband is demonstrating to him with his coping skills. 

Speaking of coping skills... Is there any drugs or alcohol at play? And does your husband's current work require a gun? And you didn't comment on why your husband's previous marriage (I'm assuming here) failed. 

C


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## JC113 (Nov 25, 2014)

Oh I said why mine failed... my bad. My husband has been married twice and both times HE claimes that they cheated. The women claim that he was abusive. My husband and I have many mutual friends that go way back. The people that believe him tell me what liars and cheaters his exes are so of course I believed him. Plus he has custody of his children so what wife would allow him to take them if he was abusive?

So if I am enabling his behavior, is the only option to walk out? Yes obviously therapy is not quite working at 2 sessions in. I don't know if continued therapy will help. If he gets psychiatric help, he will likely never get to work in the police field again. It just seems like all options are with consequences. 

Yes, I am pouting as I sit here wondering how I can magically make my husband be happy and healthy, put our marriage back on track, his career back on track, and begin to look forward to bringing this beautiful child into the world.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Is he in therapy? Are you? Are you doing it together? 

Your best option is figuring out your boundaries, talking to him about them, and then enforcing them. That might include telling him that if he doesn't actively work on his issues, you'll be moving out. You may want to do this sometime when your son isn't around. 

Your husband has found the buttons to use to manipulate you. Until you stop allowing him to do that, he will continue to push those buttons as needed. And like I've said a few times... If you think things are bad now, wait till you're unemployed and there's another baby... 

C


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## JC113 (Nov 25, 2014)

We are in marriage counseling. I have brought up his suicide threats in there on our first session. She did tell us at that time that if she feels at any time that he could harm himself, that she will no longer see us and she will take the action necessary to have him treated by another facility. This next session, I will have to bring it up as it is the tool he is using in every fight. I will leave it to her to decide if he is full of it or if he will have to seek treatment for suicidal depression and marriage counseling be put on the back burner.

I asked him today if he has removed all guns from the house as I requested. He said that he is going to put all effort into us and he wants to grow old with me. So, he did not answer my question at all about the guns and covered it up with sweet words.

Ugh.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How often are you seeing your therapist? If he's doing his homework and seriously invested in fixing things, it makes sense to stay and fight for your marriage, even if I wish your son had someplace else to be. But if he's going to try to pull the wool over you and your therapist's eyes, there's no point to playing his game. Why did you allow him to avoid your question? 

C


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Honestly, if I were in your shoes and saw my husband point a gun to his head, I would take my son and leave to a more safe place. My child's safety comes first and foremost to any relationship I have. Him knowing about the suicide, possibly seeing the suicide, or worse is beyond what I would allow for my son. If you want to continue to work on your marriage, you can do so while not living together. You don't have to be in the same house. I would really think about your safety and that of your son.


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## JC113 (Nov 25, 2014)

I can't say I allowed it, I just haven't given it a response. 
Seeing the therapist weekly (but missing this week due to the holidays). 
He thinks that therapy isn't working because I am not being patient with him and the therapist says we both need to be understanding. However, I am being patient. I do tend to get emotional at times and I try to hide it. 30 weeks of pregnancy hormones are not kind on a woman at times. He thinks quitting his job, playing and doing house projects is the way to go. Somehow his impotence will disappear, he will return to being happy, and our marriage will be back on track. Ha! He forgot that while he is at home playing and enjoying time with the kids and fishing and playing, I am working, taking in all of the stress financially, and still struggling with the dark cloud of depression that he brought over us in the first place. So... that is why this is "my fault"... Because I cannot seem to just be able to sit back and wait in hopes that the man I married will miraculously return on his hiatus from responsibility.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Sounds to me like you need a new therapist. Not all counselors are created equally.


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## JC113 (Nov 25, 2014)

I agree "anonymous" but it is a funky situation. My son and I moved in with my husband last March. We live on a large property split between us and my in-laws. My husbands two daughters live with us as well. With all of our kids being in school, it is hard to have any of them "leave". i cannot ask my husband to leave as that is just awkward, being on his family's property. I can't see myself leaving as there is not any place to go where I can keep my son in his school which he loves. I work full time NOT in a small town, but rather a long commute away. I am relying on his step sisters and in laws to help me with him as I am gone so much of my day.
Yes, I would jump at a situation where my husband would leave, get agressive help to cure his depression, and I had help with the kids... to be able to keep them all together and in their school and unaffected by this. But, that hasn't been a super attractive offer to him at all... this is not my house (although I have paid the mortgage since March).


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You've set a boundary of no guns in the house (which is a good thing). But you're not enforcing it. By not enforcing it, you're teaching him (or merely reinforcing) that he can ignore your boundaries because you don't mean them. 

In this case, you need to figure out what your boundary is, and what you're willing to do to enforce it. IMHO, you should tell him that the guns need to be out of the house by end of day tomorrow. If he doesn't confirm they're out by then, then you should be out. He NEEDS to take you seriously. 

Have you looked into counselling for yourself? 

C


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Your situation is unsustainable.

Therefore, you have to make the decision to stay different or leave. You have no other option besides status quo.

He chooses his attitudes. Not you. That's on him, not you.

You can show compassion and empathy "I'm sorry you are having a hard time," walk away and refuse to internalize or own his emotions. "But, I am going to require you to obtain another job by XYZ date." And if he wants to pitch a hissy... put him out until he calms down. Don't accept hissy fits from your H. He is an adolescent in a grown man's body who needs a SERIOUS attitude adjustment.

A handful of therapy sessions isn't going to get it. This will take INTENSIVE therapy.

He is not taking responsibility for his attitudes and is blameshifting onto you. You can choose not to accept that. 

The BEST remedy for abusive spouses is exposure. Break the silence. Your family needs to know what is going on without question. You also need to keep the Domestic Violence Advocate telephone number and your local YWCA, plus suicide hotline numbers with you at all times. Do not try to do this alone. 

The best move I ever made was breaking the silence and the best decision I ever made was staying different or leave. 

My husband is recovering... and growing up.


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## JC113 (Nov 25, 2014)

Yes PBear, I was going to get individual help and then we opted for marriage counseling instead. I figured I would be OK getting it all out in the open in those sessions, but now seeing that I get in trouble for talking about our problems there, I have moved to... talkaboutmarriage.com community forum! 
I can't say it's going to cure my situation, but I can say that the advice and simply talking (typing) it out has restored some strength I lost. 
I agree about the guns and I requested that last week. When he is "happy", the suicide talks are old news and he doesn't want to discuss it. I have left it alone but I am not goint to wait for him to pull that stunt again. The guns do have to be out and he will hear why. Because if I got wind that someone was at my son's father's house doing that, I would have a judge remove all of his parental rights. I am my son's mother and we are together all but 2 days a month. I would not have it any other way. I will not risk my childs mental or physical health nor will I risk losing him because of my husbands horrendous acts lately.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

JC113 said:


> Yes PBear, I was going to get individual help and then we opted for marriage counseling instead. I figured I would be OK getting it all out in the open in those sessions, but now seeing that I get in trouble for talking about our problems there, I have moved to... talkaboutmarriage.com community forum!
> I can't say it's going to cure my situation, but I can say that the advice and simply talking (typing) it out has restored some strength I lost.
> I agree about the guns and I requested that last week. When he is "happy", the suicide talks are old news and he doesn't want to discuss it. I have left it alone but I am not goint to wait for him to pull that stunt again. The guns do have to be out and he will hear why. Because if I got wind that someone was at my son's father's house doing that, I would have a judge remove all of his parental rights. I am my son's mother and we are together all but 2 days a month. I would not have it any other way. I will not risk my childs mental or physical health nor will I risk losing him because of my husbands horrendous acts lately.


Who asked for marriage counseling?


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

He's got you running around like a blue-àssed fly while he goes fishing. Why would he be clamouring to fix his 'depression'?

Your 'impatience' is just him telling you he needs more time (to fish). Any threat to that time will be met with more suicide threats and rages.

He wants a slave - a smiling one - and while you're fitting the bill and buying into the idea that he's depressed, rather than disturbed, he has no incentive to change. He'll say he wants to,, even pretend to,, but when push comes to shove he'll scream impatience, claim to need more time,, and carry on sapping your strength with his manipulations.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

BTW, I do know how easy it is to sit on this side of the forum and throw out advice, and how hard it can be to make changes. Plus we're throwing a lot of information at you quickly. Just focus on your safety, and your son. 

C


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> He's got you running around like a blue-àssed fly while he goes fishing. Why would he be clamouring to fix his 'depression'?
> 
> Your 'impatience' is just him telling you he needs more time (to fish). Any threat to that time will be met with more suicide threats and rages.
> 
> ...



:iagree: Callin' a spade a spade... I like it. 

Time to call his bluff.


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## JC113 (Nov 25, 2014)

I asked for the marriage counseling. Honestly I was open to any form of counseling. We went from having zero problems (I was literally living a fairy tale dream my friends envied) to being in a marriage plagued with no intimacy, pornography, suicide threats, rages of fury over the smallest things, mental breakdowns, loss of employment... And I have been silent but sounds like the thing to do is break my silence and involve close family members who can help. Not him... help me.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Again... Are drugs and alcohol factors? 

C


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

JC113 said:


> I asked for the marriage counseling. Honestly I was open to any form of counseling. We went from having zero problems (I was literally living a fairy tale dream my friends envied) to being in a marriage plagued with no intimacy, pornography, suicide threats, rages of fury over the smallest things, mental breakdowns, loss of employment... And I have been silent but sounds like the thing to do is break my silence and involve close family members who can help. Not him... help me.


Correct.

And Darlin' you don't have to justify asking for MC to me. I was asking to make sure he wasn't the one asking for it when you are seeking individual because in some cases it is a control tactic. 

I would break the silence on this to your closest family today.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

PBear said:


> Again... Are drugs and alcohol factors?
> 
> C


Great question


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## minebeloved (Nov 7, 2013)

if you don't mind me asking, when is his birthday? Is it in May?


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

NOW you're getting it.

Get one more thing.

That courting ritual,, so fantastic that everyone was envious,, was a sham,, a part of his condition. You wouldn've married him if he'd pulled his gun stunts back then.

This is practised, recognised progression of a manipulative personality. He'll be nice or he'll be nasty,, whichever works best to get you pandering to his needs.

He charmed you into marriage same way Ted Bundy charmed students into his VW.

What you want back was as worthless as a mirage. The only time that guy will be back will be to charm the next woman after you've gone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JC113 (Nov 25, 2014)

No drugs or alcohol involved. Thank goodness for that at least!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

*Re: Re: Newlyweds, pregnant... Husband depressed and quit his job.*



JC113 said:


> No drugs or alcohol involved. Thank goodness for that at least!


That is good news. Have you done any research into personality disorders, like bipolar or borderline? A user in here named "Uptown" would be a good resource. You can't diagnose them on your own, but you might gain some insight. 

C


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## JC113 (Nov 25, 2014)

Well, he is 40 years old and his whole life as I know it (through mutual friends, family) he has not been like this. But, he has had to be the sole supporter of his kids and exes. So maybe he was forced to "man up" back then as he had no other options. I guess with me, depression and unemployment feels like an option as I will not throw in the towel in income and responsibility. Being the bread winner and also earning a nice severance from my former employer put us in a comfortable position financially, but I had no intentions of throwing that all away. I would have liked to see ourselves flourish in the income of two jobs with a nice savings... This was not an excuse to quit working.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

My H's worst behavior happened a year after our son was born. So, duress can reveal intense destructive reactions. What has his long term job track record been like and how long was he a cop?


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP:

-- if he has a personality disorder, as some have alluded to, then he is simply not marriage material. chalk it up to being taken in by his charms and get out of the marriage for your own well being and your kids.

-- if he is just severely depressed, then he is not marriage material UNLESS he is taking every effort to pull himself out of it - both medical and IC. anyone threatening to take their own life, with a loaded gun, in front of their spouse and children absolutely needs INDIVIDUAL treatment (vice marriage counseling).

-- right now I think you need to put the welfare of your children WELL AHEAD of his. because I think you should consider him a physical threat to all of you! an armed one at that......

-- I think you need to, at minimum, demand that he get ALL guns out of the house or you will move out immediately. things sound pretty serious to me.....i.e. dangerous and unpredictable. serious enough to give him that ultimatum


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

PBear said:


> That is good news. Have you done any research into personality disorders, like bipolar or borderline? A user in here named "Uptown" would be a good resource. You can't diagnose them on your own, but you might gain some insight.
> 
> C


It has some sort of PD all over it. Seems a bit focused for a BPD and lacks the grandiosity of an NPD,, but traits of both. Bad ones.

Certainly, it needs treatment or fleeing from.

Most of my ref' books and mags are in storage but I'll dig about just out of intrigue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

His "honeymoon" mask is obviously off now and it isn't likely to be going back on. He has you now -- married and pregnant -- so no reason to pretend to be someone he isn't any longer. 

His ex's could very well have cheated on him but it's equally possible he was also abusive to them -- if how he's acting toward you is any indication of his "normal" behavior. 

My concern is the tremendous stress you're under.


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## jin (Sep 9, 2014)

*Re: Re: Newlyweds, pregnant... Husband depressed and quit his job.*



PBear said:


> That is good news. Have you done any research into personality disorders, like bipolar or borderline? A user in here named "Uptown" would be a good resource. You can't diagnose them on your own, but you might gain some insight.
> 
> C


I agree. This was my first thought on reading op's initial post.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JC113 said:


> I can't say I allowed it, I just haven't given it a response.
> Seeing the therapist weekly (but missing this week due to the holidays).
> He thinks that therapy isn't working because I am not being patient with him and the therapist says we both need to be understanding. However, I am being patient. I do tend to get emotional at times and I try to hide it. 30 weeks of pregnancy hormones are not kind on a woman at times. He thinks quitting his job, playing and doing house projects is the way to go. Somehow his impotence will disappear, he will return to being happy, and our marriage will be back on track. Ha! He forgot that while he is at home *playing *and enjoying time with the kids and fishing and *playing*, I am working, taking in all of the stress financially, and still struggling with the dark cloud of depression that he brought over us in the first place. So... that is why this is "my fault"... Because I cannot seem to just be able to sit back and wait in hopes that the man I married will miraculously return on his hiatus from responsibility.


What is he doing when he is "playing"?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When he's out and about now, how does he behave? Can he control this depression, anger and other behaviors and act normal in public.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you know where he keeps the guns?

Since he's already lied about it, I would remove the guns myself and give them to someone like your family for safe keeping. Or rent a small storage locker. Use a combination lock so there is no key. If you feel he would hurt you if you removed the guns. Where it me, I'd remove the firing pins.

Just to let you know, I'm not anti-guns. I've known how to handle hand guns, rifles and shotguns since I was 10 years old. I live in the country now so I have a shot gun.

Flying_Dutchman is brilliant. Read and re-read every word he wrote. And listen to everyone else on this thread. It’s not often on this forum that everyone responding to a thread agrees on every point made.

As is, you are taking an unwarranted risk with your and your children's lives and wellbeing. If he uses a weapon, he is not going alone. He blames you so he’ll take you out. He cannot leave the children on their own so they are in danger too. If anyone in that house gets hurt, you will lose your son and your new child. All of children will to either to their other parent or into foster care.

Right now you are not really thinking straight right now because you are exhausted, pregnant, in the middle of this and he’s been messing with your head. Please, please listen to the people who are posting to you here. You need to either get him out of there, or you need to get out of there with your child. You need an exit plan. Here’s a link to one. Do a google search for “Domestic violence exit plan”. 

Dr. Phil.com - Advice - An Exit Action Plan: Guidelines for Leaving an Abusive Relationship

You could leave, then call his family and tell them what’s going on. If you think they would not believe you, you could provide evidence. Get a VAR (voice activated recorder). Keep it on you at all times when you are at home. Hide it in your bra or in a pocket or a fanny pack. Get some recordings of what he’s doing. Copy the recordings to someplace safe like on dropbox.com

If he threatens suicide again, you will have it recorded. If he has a gun, you can make sure he talks about the gun, you have it on a recording. THEN CALL 911. They will get his butt to a mental health facility and evaluate him. 

By the way, if a person is faking suicide to control you, nothing will put a stop to that faster than a few days or weeks in a mental health ward on suicide watch.

If you know how to contact one or both of his ex-wives, see if they will talk to you. Ask them to describe the abuse they claim he did. Don’t tell them what is going on so that you do not influence them. See if they describe what he’s doing now. I’d bet they do. A person does not just wake up on day and suddenly learn how to be as skilled a manipulator and abuser as your husband is.

You say that he has custody of his children, so you figure his ex’s were bad mothers/wives? If he did to his ex, what he is doing to you … what state do you think she was in by the time they divorced? Since your husband can act quite together when he needs to (like to get you to marry him), no doubt he can do that in court as well. I’ve seen this pulled off before by a very abusive man like your husband.


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## JC113 (Nov 25, 2014)

Playing being doing what he wants. TV... house projects... chatting on the phone... who knows?


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## JC113 (Nov 25, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> When he's out and about now, how does he behave? Can he control this depression, anger and other behaviors and act normal in public.


He does act normal in public and to everybody. He will talk about his problems to close friends (even my brother) on the phone but he turns it on me, saying that if I would just "chill out" then his problems would start to go away. I tried to do that and he put a gun to his head, blindsiding me, over a temper tantrum about his job. To the public eye, I have just been a neurotic woman.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

His reactions are 100% his choice.

He sounds severely codependent AND bratty.

Click my link and there are resources there.

Pay particular attention to the book Unsafe People and the Emotionally Unavailable Msn


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## JC113 (Nov 25, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Do you know where he keeps the guns?
> 
> Since he's already lied about it, I would remove the guns myself and give them to someone like your family for safe keeping. Or rent a small storage locker. Use a combination lock so there is no key. If you feel he would hurt you if you removed the guns. Where it me, I'd remove the firing pins.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for that. 
Last night, I went home with a newfound strength I somehow managed to discover just by use of this forum yesterday. Although everyone here is a stranger, it is words cast from people from all over the country and each word played a role in this strength I am proud to have back. So I am thankful for you all!!
I returned home to an empty house as my mother-in-law took all the kids to a movie. It was just me and my husband. He was being soft spoken and caring. I did not show any reaction to his touches. That was odd to him. I have been so deprived of any form of affection from him since September that any form of attention he does do typically results in something back from me acknowledging and showing appreciation for any small gesture.
By the time we went to bed, he was upset that I was not responsive to his affection. My response; "Welcome to my world." That angered him. I did not care.
This morning, he woke still angry. I began to get ready for work. He sat down and appeared to zone out, at which time I asked if he was OK. His response, "Really?". So, I decided I would go in a little late but it was time to have that talk. 
I told him that he had not removed the guns from the house as I requested. I told him that I am breaking all silence and effective immediately, the family members will be involved in ensuring the safety of our home by assisting in removing the guns, keeping them out, and being a safe place in the event the kids need it. I told him that I am disappointed that he has not looked into professional counseling for depression, so he could at least look into medication. I told him that I am upset that he put me in this stressful situation of being the sole provider. I told him that his actions could have (and still can) have an impact on the custody I have of my son and I have never and will never allow anybody to jeapordize that. I also told him that I am furious that he made me feel that any of this was my fault. I am furious that his turn to porn or self-pleasure (or claims of impotence due to depression) made me feel insecure. I have always been confident in myself as a successful, strong career woman with advanced degrees. The pregnancy has put very little weight on me as I was thin to start with. I am astounded that I let myself believe that it was me. My husband is no Brad Pitt so I laugh at how weak I became by his rejection.
Finally, I told him that I had folks I was talking to. I told him the words of advice I was being given. He didn't ask so I didn't say that the words were that of you kind strangers. However, he was immediately intimidated that I had outside influences now. I had broken my silence. I guess that was the first step in him losing the control he has had.
I know that we have a long road to go, but I told him that divorce (as of now) is not an option. I did not get married again just to divorce again. Maybe the man I married is gone... the one who swept me off of my feet. Just as quickly as he left, I am hoping this unstable man uses the same exit door. Maybe the man behind door #3 will surface... and he will be the one who we can call the man of the house, who does his part as a parent, spouse, and member of society. I do miss the man I married. But I will not turn my back on him yet, so long as he follows through with removing the guns (today) and getting the help he needs. I love him as much as the day I married him. I know he loves me as well. We will go to his appointment next week and hopefully get him started on anti-depressants and start the road to recovery, in a gun-free household. I come here and read each of your responses to keep my strength built up... so count on my return as I know I will need it as this journey continues. I will keep you guys updated. Wish me luck!

Happy Thanksgiving... This year I give thanks to the time you guys took to help a preggo Texas gal out. It means a lot!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JC113 said:


> He does act normal in public and to everybody. He will talk about his problems to close friends (even my brother) on the phone but he turns it on me, saying that if I would just "chill out" then his problems would start to go away. I tried to do that and he put a gun to his head, blindsiding me, over a temper tantrum about his job. To the public eye, I have just been a neurotic woman.


The fact that he acts normal in public and around others is one of the most important factors in determining the source of his behavior.

Apparently our husband has complete control over his behavior. He chooses to behave normal to people other than you. He choose to behave normal in public. And he chooses to act badly and abusive around you. 

This is what abusers do. Most abusers hide their abusive behavior from the outside world. The abuse happens mostly behind closed doors. They are usually remarkably skilled about this.

Your husband tells others untrue, bad things about you because he’s an abusive person. Abusive people have to control everything in their world. By weaving a web of lies about you to others, he is controlling the story. I suspect that’s what he did with his ex-wives. That’s why everyone he was able to talk to parrots what he says about his exes. He controlled the story.

I agree with Flying_Dutchman. Your husband is a very skilled abuser. He has a lot of experience in this. 

You are right that he supported his other wives because he had to. Now in his marriage to you, he’s hit the jackpot. Not only does he get to abuse and control you, he also has you as his sugar mama. And he has you right where he wants you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JC113 said:


> He does act normal in public and to everybody. He will talk about his problems to close friends (even my brother) on the phone but he turns it on me, saying that if I would just "chill out" then his problems would start to go away. I tried to do that and he put a gun to his head, blindsiding me, over a temper tantrum about his job. To the public eye, I have just been a neurotic woman.


I’m posting a second reply to the above post to emphasize my point.

Your husband is controlling the story. He’s turning people against you. If the two of you ever breakup, he will have laid the groundwork to make sure he can prove that you are an unfit mother and he can very likely get custody of the child your are carrying right now.

I strongly advise you to get a VAR and get recordings of his behavior at him. Especially any dramatic suicide threats. You will need these when the time comes to undo the story he’s woven with even your own brother.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JC113 said:


> Thank you so much for that.
> Last night, I went home with a newfound strength I somehow managed to discover just by use of this forum yesterday. Although everyone here is a stranger, it is words cast from people from all over the country and each word played a role in this strength I am proud to have back. So I am thankful for you all!!
> I returned home to an empty house as my mother-in-law took all the kids to a movie. It was just me and my husband. He was being soft spoken and caring. I did not show any reaction to his touches. That was odd to him. I have been so deprived of any form of affection from him since September that any form of attention he does do typically results in something back from me acknowledging and showing appreciation for any small gesture.
> By the time we went to bed, he was upset that I was not responsive to his affection. My response; "Welcome to my world." That angered him. I did not care.
> ...


Wow... You sound like a completely different woman today. 

I understand your desire to ensure that you have done everything humanly possible to help your husband and fix your marriage. 

Just make sure that you have a support system and an exit plan just in case things don't go well. It's an insurance policy.

Were I you, I would not tell him about this site and that you are posting here. At least no until he makes a strong turn around. This should be a safe place for you to come to.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Well done, JC113!

Do note though.

Angry at you being indifferent.

Angry at you having 'advisors' and telling people. (Abusers hate being unmasked).

Still angry in the morning. He's flummoxed that you've thrown some spanners into his cogs.

Also note the lack of any apology or even asking you if you are OK. Not the actions of a concerned, loving hubby.

Expect short term good behaviour before he becomes more 'depressed' and blames you for it. Oh, and demands to know who you've told (about him).

Right now he'll be contemplating his strategy, which'll afford you some breathing space before he resorts to the familiar one of manipulation,, cuz that's all he knows.

Short of leaving, you've done the next best thing. Now stick to your new boundaries and watch for the signs of manipulation returning.

I hope he gets better for your sake, but I don't think your dream guy ever really existed.

You'll know within 3 months. Maybe sooner with the stress of Christmas.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JC113 (Nov 25, 2014)

I agree! I know that today's strength and happiness I am experiencing is very likely to be short-lived. I got to vent and I got listened to. I got to tell him how I feel and things seem to be effective. I know there is a sense of false hope here and that is why I have this board saved as my favorites... I know I'll return.
I know that I am stronger for now, but I still fall asleep next to a man who cannot and will not touch me and that I will still suffer the sadness from that. I am only smiling at the baby step we just took and I can only pray that there are more baby steps to recovery to come.
I could be wrong and it could all be a waste. My fear of that particular unknown is overwhelming. Suicide, divorce, custody battles, fighting with a man who a year ago was my hero...
That stress is unbearable, so I want to try to make it work. Although I could be inviting a worse stress. What a horrible gamble.


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## JC113 (Nov 25, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> The fact that he acts normal in public and around others is one of the most important factors in determining the source of his behavior.
> 
> Apparently our husband has complete control over his behavior. He chooses to behave normal to people other than you. He choose to behave normal in public. And he chooses to act badly and abusive around you.
> 
> ...


You are right on this for sure. In this morning's conversation, my husband told me the history of his depression, which was really a history of failed jobs and marriages. Hardships many live but he seems to be more emotionally impacted being that he feels that now he is 40 and without a solid career or ability to provide.
He also told me that he has held a gun to his head before, in his previous marriage, when his wife left him. 
I have much reason to doubt he was an innocent player in his previous failed marriages. They were both over a decade ago where the irresponsibility levels were much higher. Drinking and going out was more important than school or working... So I believe that both parties were equal contributors to a failed marriage. However, now knowing that his suicide threats go back that far, I can at least somewhat rest easy in knowing that the trigger likely will not be pulled and that this is some manipulation tactic he was using on me. It worked. 
This morning, however, I told him that I would not clean up his mess if he blew his brains out. I'd burn the house down. 
I would not mourn the loss of him. I would move on. 
If he wanted to try with me, the guns have to go. End of story.
Will this work? It is TODAY... but I don't know about tomorrow. Yes, I believe he just may be figuring out the next step in his plan. How else can he weaken me... how can he bring me back down to a controlled level... I am sure he is doing that. I hope by being prepared, I can stay a step ahead and call his bluff.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Just so's you know. I take no joy in raining on your parade.

I totally get why you want to hang in there. Now, at least, you're doing it on your own terms. 

If you fled, you'd always wonder if you did the right thing. By staying, you'll know you gave it every chance so you'll have no doubts.

The ground rules you just set provide a valuable lesson in how much strength you can lose without realising it.

It's encouraging,, and a credit to you,, that you got it back so quickly just cuz a handful of users gave you a shove.

Results, here and elsewhere, aren't typically so profound or as rapid.

It's a good news day.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

JC113 said:


> Thank you so much for that.
> Last night, I went home with a newfound strength I somehow managed to discover just by use of this forum yesterday. Although everyone here is a stranger, it is words cast from people from all over the country and each word played a role in this strength I am proud to have back. So I am thankful for you all!!
> I returned home to an empty house as my mother-in-law took all the kids to a movie. It was just me and my husband. He was being soft spoken and caring. I did not show any reaction to his touches. That was odd to him. I have been so deprived of any form of affection from him since September that any form of attention he does do typically results in something back from me acknowledging and showing appreciation for any small gesture.
> By the time we went to bed, he was upset that I was not responsive to his affection. My response; "Welcome to my world." That angered him. I did not care.
> ...


Well, thats one way to do it. When you first started saying you had told him I got scared for you but because he didn't immediately react in rage, you called it right. He is now on notice. Bravo Girl!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JC113 said:


> Will this work? It is TODAY... but I don't know about tomorrow. Yes, I believe he just may be figuring out the next step in his plan. How else can he weaken me... how can he bring me back down to a controlled level... I am sure he is doing that. I hope by being prepared, I can stay a step ahead and call his bluff.


Not trying to rain on your parade here either. Not trying to be an alarmist either. I always look at things from all angles and prepare for the ones most likely to happen. So, I feel I have to say this.

Today you took away a lot of his control/power. He will most likely need to try to reestablish the control. The level of his response will most likely match or exceed the level of strength you showed him today.

He may have never hurt you physically. But, he may very well take it to that level. 

Be careful. Have a way to get yourself and the children out of there quickly if needed. And know where the phone is to call 911.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

independentgirl said:


> I don't think I can be as strong as the OP if my relationship turn out to be like this.


What you describe IS depression. Long hours brooding. Quit his job cuz he was a danger to himself and others and got another one. He should see his GP, shedule a few appointments with a counsellor and he should soon be fine.

OP's hubby has something entirely different.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

OP, I think you did well. But now you HAVE to carry through. Good luck, and I wish you well over the holidays! 

C


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

independentgirl said:


> Flying_Dutchman,
> I think you misunderstand.
> Maybe something is wrong with my English, but my man don't have anything to do with his sister car accident.
> 
> He was a truck driver at the time he lost his sister. He cannot find himself concentrated his mind fully on the road, while mourning his sister dead; so he quit his job. That is all to it.


Your written English is fine.

I never thought your man was responsible for his sister. He got depressed over her death and (sensibly) quit his job while he was depressed. That's all.

I'm glad he's better now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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