# Husband has no desire for sex



## Rubeth (Dec 14, 2012)

There's so much talk about WOMEN and how they don't care about sex after getting married. Well, I have just the opposite. There are many factors involved, but I've never heard of a male not wanting sex for about 3 months now. 48 years old and I am 55. HELP - everything has been affected by this...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This is far more common that people realize. There are many women here dealing with this.

In my case it was 5 years after marriage, 5 years of a really active sex life. Then one day I realized taht for some time I was the only one initiating sex. So I decided to stop initiating any more.

We've never had sex since. That was about 5-6 years ago. I did ask him why. He said that he was ED. I asked him to go to a doctor. He said he would but never did. Then he said it was too embarrasing. 

But I notice that he is not ED. He has problem with getting off on porn and internet sexting with live people.

We are divorced now.

What does your husband say about it?

How long will you put up with this before you leave?


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

EleGirl made an insightful comment about porn.. Porn has a desensitizing effect and will lead to performance issues with a living, breathing partner, especially as a man ages.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

Our issue was his depression. He didn't feel worthy, so we had no sex life, for years. I gave up, focused on work and kids. Then one day I noticed he had looked at porn, so I knew he was interested in sex, but was still not having it with me, so I broke down and instead of my usual talking about it, I blubbered and cried and got really pissed. Then I relentlessly initiated, read books, and one year later we have a great sex life. He also went to the doctor and found out he was low T and is getting shots. Now that we are better connected than ever, he realizes how important our intimacy is to both our mental health and marriage. I hope that you can get him to work with you, because it can't be one sided. Have him checked out for low T IMO.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

I have a H that either has no drive or a very low drive. I realized several months ago that a year or more had gone by without us having any kind of intimacy. I asked him to see a doc, that is in the works. He is sort of trying to make things better, i guess I just wait and see what happens next.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Could be a variety of things...to name a few....

*1*. Health issues, Diebetes, high blood pressure, ED, Meds zapping his sex drive (depression meds are known for this)
*2*. Secret addiction to porn you are not aware of 
*3*. Low Testosterone - he might need Therapy... will cause other symptoms ...such as brain fog, falling asleep after work, fatigued...mood swings ... 
*4.* Slow growing Resentment issues within the marriage ~ not delt with, a loss of the emotional connection.


You said many factors involved, what are they Rubeth? 

Is he not willing to try Viagra & care about your needs, I assume you have voiced your emotions to him. What turns him on? 



> *Shiksa said*: Our issue was his depression. He didn't feel worthy, so we had no sex life, for years. I gave up, focused on work and kids. Then one day I noticed he had looked at porn, so I knew he was interested in sex, but was still not having it with me, so I broke down and instead of my usual talking about it, I blubbered and cried and got really pissed.
> 
> *Then I relentlessly initiated, read books, and one year later we have a great sex life. *He also went to the doctor and found out he was low T and is getting shots. Now that we are better connected than ever, he realizes how important our intimacy is to both our mental health and marriage. I hope that you can get him to work with you, because it can't be one sided. Have him checked out for low T


This is a great story Shiksa! Sounds a little like me here...the relentless part - reading books ....initiating...I went a little hog wild in getting creative , shaking him up with novelty... to get more sex out of my husband... when he couldn't keep up, I sent him to the Encronologist....learned his levels were normal for a 60 yr old man (he was just 45!)..... but he is not low enough for Therapy.. I think he's always been a lower test guy, never was the aggressive type to begin with. 

The Encron told me he MAY need therapy someday. But for now...we're having a good time. But this is always in the back of my mind.


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## Charmed37 (Aug 13, 2012)

Rubeth you are not alone in this, that's for sure. I've been living in a basically sexless marriage for about 17 out of 20 years. I wish I could offer you hope, but my situation hasn't improved. There is no porn or cheating involved with us, it is just basically lack of need on his part. He doesn't seem to have a problem going for months without sex. He does sometimes want to cuddle/hold hands...etc. but rarely anything more. I don't know if he has lowT since he hasn't been to a dr. The lack of intimacy is the only serious problem I am aware of in our marriage, but that alone is a BIG PROBLEM for me.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

It is ok if they'll realise they have a problem, my ex partner didn't think he had one, he never initiated sex ever and if we had sex it had to be me on top, so ****ing boring and i did leave him, he still to this day never had another girlfriend, i think he may be gay who knows.

My estranged husband was also a non sexual venture as he never wanted to actually be together, he was happy having sex more with himself, he never hardly initiated sex with me, it really wasn't important to him. He spent his time trying to make me feel guilty if i even looked sideways at another man, all the while being sexually starved.

So hopefully i'll be third time lucky, it would be novel that a man actually will be wanting to initiate sex with me.

The thing is even if you are high drive the man's lack of desire will have an affect on you


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## me1983 (Sep 9, 2012)

Sorry to dig up an old post. 

I have been looking on here for a while, but I have never posted.. I am going through the same thing, and I am going crazy.. The last time was in November sometime. Before my birthday, our anniversary, Christmas etc. I'm only 29. He is 38. Is this what I have to look forward to for the rest of my married life? 
We tried counselling but he just doesn't get it. And now he doesn't want to go any more. I well and truly feel your pain.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I'm 52. I will NEVER understand a man that won't accept sex that is offered to him. I could go three times a day, every day.

I'd just like my wife to initiate it ONCE. I'm not holding my breath.


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## Monet19 (Jan 19, 2013)

Here I am, still on this website bc my husband is downstairs watching tv...I'm sick of tv and would rather have sex! But I am alone. I hate going to bed alone


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## nicky3791 (Jan 21, 2013)

Im so sorry for what you are going through. My situation is a little like yours. 
I have a friend whose husband isnt interested in sex. She just goes and tells him "Hey, I want sex tonight, and youre gonna give it to me" !! LOL She said she finally got tired of him not giving it to her, so she took the bull by the horns and takes what she wants from him now! And he doesnt resist! 
Do you think you could try that? What would he do if you went downstairs, grabbed his hand, and said...lets go to bed. I want to f---...?
(or insert words here that you know might be a turn on for him).


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

" I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone" - Robin Williams.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Op as the others have said you are not alone however it might be best to discuss this via the PM system and not on the board.
There is a member here that delights in taking this sort of info to ridicule women about it in order to make himself feel superior.
If you do want to talk feel free to PM.


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## Monet19 (Jan 19, 2013)

Nicky3791: The only problem I have with demanding sex with a husband (or wife) who isn't interested, is that you're still faced with the fact that the other person isn't really wanting it in the first place and that's upsetting.


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## Monet19 (Jan 19, 2013)

I suppose it's come down to this: Many couples are not having sex in their marriages, so forget about foreplay!

I think I would actually be happier if I was having some sex, then I would see foreplay as a bonus!


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

DISCLAIMER: From a married man's perspective, FWIW. I offer this in a constructive way and it is based on my experiences talking with friends, coworkers, family members, etc. These aren't necessarily my opinions 

Just a few possible causes for your hubbies losing interest in sex after having had a normal sex drive previously:

*Wife's weight gain. MANY men consider a few extra pounds a huge turn-off.

Their OWN weight gain. Many men feel embarrassed about their own large gut or love handles, especially if they used to be more fit. Getting naked really accentuates these flaws 

Wife "letting things go" a little. Not wearing makeup, cute and tight jeans, or that cute and sexy hair-do that she wore when they were dating.*

In addition to the logical reasons postedin this thread already, these three should be considered too


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## Monet19 (Jan 19, 2013)

Terry_CO said:


> DISCLAIMER: From a married man's perspective, FWIW. I offer this in a constructive way and it is based on my experiences talking with friends, coworkers, family members, etc. These aren't necessarily my opinions
> 
> Just a few possible causes for your hubbies losing interest in sex after having had a normal sex drive previously:
> 
> ...


Terry_CO: Ok I understand your point of view. So how do you answer this?

We went out to dinner two weeks ago and the young male waiter told my husband "you have a very beautiful wife, you are a lucky man". Other men find me attractive and I am not overweight, I am fit and toned, I wear make up every day, I wear skinny jeans often. So what is wrong with my husband?

I have seen many a man loose interest in his wife, and many of those men have very attractive wives, many of these wives want more sex with their husbands (as I do). Do those men believe the grass if greener on the other side? What's their problem?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Monet19 said:


> So what is wrong with my husband?
> 
> I have seen many a man loose interest in his wife, and many of those men have very attractive wives, many of these wives want more sex with their husbands (as I do). What's their problem?


Well, unfortunately as it goes, there is nothing wrong with your husband and they don't have the problem. You do. He is happy the way things are. 

There are things you can do to try to spark interest in your partner, but if you have a LD partner, it's really a matter of whether they want to change. It is so easy for a LD partner to misdirect off the issue that it can be very frustrating.


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## Monet19 (Jan 19, 2013)

Acorn said:


> Well, unfortunately as it goes, there is nothing wrong with your husband and they don't have the problem. You do. He is happy the way things are.
> 
> There are things you can do to try to spark interest in your partner, but if you have a LD partner, it's really a matter of whether they want to change. It is so easy for a LD partner to misdirect off the issue that it can be very frustrating.


Then why did he come on so strongly the first year we were together? He was a completely different guy, he even told me he had a high sex drive...


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## Monet19 (Jan 19, 2013)

Monet19 said:


> Then why did he come on so strongly the first year we were together? He was a completely different guy, he even told me he had a high sex drive...


So let me understand what you are saying Acorn: 
It's me who has a problem, yet my husband confessed to having a high sex drive when we met, and for the first year, to year and a half we were like rabbits. He knew I had a high sex drive. 

I need sex, maybe you don't so much, then you would find this difficult to understand. If I don't get the chance to make love to my husband on a regular basis, it creates distance between us and I need that closeness, I also become very frustrated and cranky the longer I go without sex! 

The problem lies here: once married, the sex dwindled off gradually, first it was every couple of days, then every 3or 4 days, then once a week and now once every two weeks at best. I am the same, still attractive and horny. He comes up with excuses regularly as to why he doesn't feel like sex, whether it be he is too tired, not feeling well, had a bad day etc. BUT when we do go at it: it's awesome, so ED is not an issue here. Now, do you still believe it's my fault? if so,Why? because I refuse to turn my 'switch' my libido off? I am who I am and he knew this when we married. Do you honestly believe it's fair for a person to either lie about their sex drive before marriage, or expect (as in my case) the wife to 'switch' off her libido because he no longer feels the need very often? 

BTW, if I brought another woman into the bedroom, he'd be all over her. He has a perfectly normal sex drive. Just not towards me anymore. 

I actually read an article once on how some people control their other halves by abstaining from having sex with them. It's quite a powerful weapon when used against a partner who has a high sex drive.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Monet19 said:


> It's me who has a problem?
> 
> The problem lies here: once married, the sex dwindled off gradually, first it was every couple of days, then every 3or 4 days, then once a week and now once every two weeks at best. I am the same, still attractive and horny. He comes up with excuses regularly as to why he doesn't feel like sex, whether it be he is too tired, not feeling well, had a bad day etc. BUT when we do go at it: it's awesome, so ED is not an issue here. Now, do you still believe it's my fault?


I never said it was your fault, but it is your problem. Your H is fine with the way things are, and you aren't.

If you want to stay with him and fix the problem, you are going to have to try to get him to change, and coming in with guns blazing telling him he has a problem is not going to be the way to do it.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

If hubby stopped wanting sex I would suspect three different things:
1. He is having an affair.
2. He is experiencing lower testosterone levels due to ageing.
3. He is depressed.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

There is one thing that many people overlook in these situations and it has nothing to do with affairs, weight gain or low T. None of these things were an issue in my marriage.

I was also told here that my ex did not want sex because I was a ball buster :rofl:

This is such a delicate issue and often the replies are from people that have no experience or understanding.

I can tell you Monet that in my case it was his upbringing that was the real problem.

I am a good looking woman with a good figure. I look after myself and do my hair and make up most days.
I am an intelligent, active, happy and balanced woman.
I don't yell, nag or want to be treated like a Princess.
I was a great wife, looked after him, looked after the kids and the house. I cooked, cleaned and went the extra mile to make sure all was good in our home.
We did not argue.
We got along extremely well.
We had a fantastic family life.
We worked together to build businesses and a solid property portfolio.
We did not have to worry about rules around housework, we just did it, everything got done without the need for discussion.
I respected him and he respected me.

BUT the main problem was that he had no capacity to deal with anything other than a perfect person. I am so far from a perfect person it is a joke.
So eventually all the little things I did that were not perfect built up in his mind and he distanced himself from me and not having sex was the way that he could that.
Short version but in the end I gave up on initiating and the end result was that I ended the marriage.

We have remained friends and co parents and still value each other greatly. He would have stayed married forever because his example was that you can be married and not in love. He was happy having the wife, kids and home but that was all superficial, he is not capable of filling that house with emotion.

It took me many years (and IC) to understand this, it was when we moved country for a few years and lived near his parents that it hit home what was happening. he was just like his dad. His parents were married till death, a very unloving marriage, there was no equality, there was no passion, they stayed married "till death do us part" because that is what everyone else in their peer group did. They did not have the guts to say they weren't happy and move on.

How well do you know your DHs background, what was his parents marriage like?


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Monet19 said:


> I suppose it's come down to this: Many couples are not having sex in their marriages, so forget about foreplay!
> 
> I think I would actually be happier if I was having some sex, then I would see foreplay as a bonus!



I feel that foreplay creates the fire and passion for having sex. I couldn't have sex with my wife without foreplay...unless it was some type of a quickie. Foreplay is hugely important...not just a bonus!


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## Monet19 (Jan 19, 2013)

Acorn said:


> I never said it was your fault, but it is your problem. Your H is fine with the way things are, and you aren't.
> 
> If you want to stay with him and fix the problem, you are going to have to try to get him to change, and coming in with guns blazing telling him he has a problem is not going to be the way to do it.


True


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## Monet19 (Jan 19, 2013)

curlysue321 said:


> If hubby stopped wanting sex I would suspect three different things:
> 1. He is having an affair.
> 2. He is experiencing lower testosterone levels due to ageing.
> 3. He is depressed.


Well in my case his T levels are good. So it's 1 or 3.


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## Monet19 (Jan 19, 2013)

I Notice The Details said:


> I feel that foreplay creates the fire and passion for having sex. I couldn't have sex with my wife without foreplay...unless it was some type of a quickie. Foreplay is hugely important...not just a bonus!


Lucky you, I feel the same way you do, I'm not as lucky though. In my marriage, I give all the foreplay, and receive none. So in my situation receiving it is indeed a bonus!


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