# Wife is Mentally Depressed/Anxious



## DN117 (7 mo ago)

Looking for some advice and support - in short my wife is dealing with a lot of anxiety/depression as well as past emotional/spiritual trauma and I'm trying to help all I can without being sucked down by negativity. She is absolutely the most emotionally volatile, high-strung person I have ever met - which has greatly been exacerbated since the COVID pandemic and getting married/having a baby. While I feel like I start of patient enough to

We found each other online and met up several times in person forming a long-distance relationship. She lived out on the east coast and did not have strong ties holding her down while I was firmly set in my hometown with a family business - so when a job came up near me she accepted and I helped her move so we could date more readily. We got married two years ago and now have a 1yr baby girl. While we have very similar interests and goals regarding family and faith, we do differ greatly in personality and temperament. I like to perform acts of service as my love language to her and receive physical touch/words of affirmation from her; my wife seeks words of affirmation / quality time while giving gifts to others as her love language. She feels like she is being judged and demeaned as a mother simply when someone states what another baby is doing or if they talk about something she could be doing differently in parenting. She gets triggered into massive melt-downs at least once a week: she hates this rural country area for not offering the services that her big city on the east coast would, she hates my family for what she perceives to be judgements and criticism (to the point where she has anxiety over holiday get togethers), she hates my job/family business because that ties me down to this area and that I am not willing to sacrifice it for her, she hates my original church (we have left for another church, which she continues yelling at me for not leaving sooner as now her spirit is crushed and she does not have the energy to feel hope/alive to go to another church). She mopes before a weekend plan to go and have fun that she is tired from the work week and just wants to sit with our baby, but then complains that we are home and not out taking adventures like other people she sees on social media.

I love my wife and little girl. The problem I am facing is that her moodiness and emotional outbursts are wearing me down. Something will trigger her/irritate her and the next thing I know she is wailing and cursing about other compounding problems at such high intensity that I just stand there open-mouthed and stunned. Her parents divorced when she was 6 and her mom died when she was 10, she grew up predominately with her great-aunts and has not had a relationship with her dad for five years due to himself being toxic and unloading his own emotional baggage on her while otherwise not being supportive of her goals and feelings. She has a high persecution complex, like there is always a roadblock or saboteur to her dreams. She has trust issues and has been on the receiving end of a lot emotional/spiritual abuse prior to meeting me.

Ever since having our baby she has found ways to be depressed and miserable at any given time. I stayed with her and worked remotely for two weeks to be closer to the hospital my dad/boss asked me to go look at some property for a couple of hours. I asked her if this would be OK with her to which she said No that she wanted me to stay with her, which I affirmed with but she kept on even crying that my dad and I were ignorant and had audacity for even thinking of me going off for a bit. What chaps me is that she can rant/moan/cry about potential things that don't even end up happening. Day 2 of having our baby home my dad asked me to clean weeds out of the pond next to our family cabin. At first I though she was worried about my safety of falling into the pond because she kept carrying on that she did not want me to do that, but as it turns out she was actually enraged that I would do a chore like that for someone else instead of "prioritizing" her and the baby. I was out there for an hour like 20 yards away, but for all it felt to her I might as well have abandoned her for life. Just tonight she blew up again at this saying this was the moment she realized that I did not truly love her and that I would place the needs of others above her and our daughter. She still feels broken and upset that I did not take off the full 2-weeks of paternity time for her that she had built up in her mind and instead started going back to work after a week while my mom stayed with her for a couple more days (she herself had 3 months of paid maternity time). Recently my dad and I went on a trip that we had been planning for a year; my wife asked me to look after our daughter on the last day of the week so she could get some work done. I asked her if I could watch her at our family office so that I could work as well to which she blew up saying I have to put my own spin on things and can't just do something verbatim as she asks. Apparently even though she took off the first four days of the week while I was gone to just stay with our daughter, she felt that I should stay home on the last day of the week to fully watch our daughter so she would not have the anxiety going on in the back of her mind impeding her from her work even though we have a nursery/play area set up in a back room at our family business. We made a day trip into town for the weekend and I messed up her drink order (she had wanted a frappe but when the waitress asked if I wanted it hot/cold I had chosen hot), to which she started complaining that I don't listen to her and don't value her enough - heavily criticizing my attentiveness to detail. She won't admit to it, but basically she wants a 'yes man' out of me because she believes her opinions are gold and that I or anyone else is wrong for even bringing up another thought and that just gives her anxiety if her thoughts/actions aren't immediately recognized as valuable/perfectly correct. She sleeps a lot and is always feeling run-down and exhausted, my rule of thumb for her is that 'for every activity there is an opposite and equal rest period'.

There are times during her rants where I'm wondering if I should hog-tie her up and take her to the nearest psych ward. I'm afraid I am losing patience with her and am trying to stay strong in us, but when she levels out that she doesn't feel love from me or that she is cold for me it's hard not to feel defeated and withdrawn. She tells me of other guys (father-figure types she used to work with) that knew how to treat a lady better than I can because I am not empathetic enough to her even though I help out a lot with house work and raising our daughter with play time, learning time, and hygiene care (she wants me to be her personal therapy pet to help cope with her mental struggles).


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

This sounds like some serious mental health issues that require real professional intervention. Have you discussed her getting help. She probably needs some medication while she works on the issues in intense therapy. It is probably a combination of issues, the relocation alone could from a city to rural lifestyle could be a source of depression and anxiety. Whatever the cause it sounds like she is off the deep end.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Google Narcissism


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

DN117 said:


> Looking for some advice and support - in short my wife is dealing with a lot of anxiety/depression as well as past emotional/spiritual trauma and I'm trying to help all I can without being sucked down by negativity. She is absolutely the most emotionally volatile, high-strung person I have ever met - which has greatly been exacerbated since the COVID pandemic and getting married/having a baby. While I feel like I start of patient enough to
> 
> We found each other online and met up several times in person forming a long-distance relationship. She lived out on the east coast and did not have strong ties holding her down while I was firmly set in my hometown with a family business - so when a job came up near me she accepted and I helped her move so we could date more readily. We got married two years ago and now have a 1yr baby girl. While we have very similar interests and goals regarding family and faith, we do differ greatly in personality and temperament. I like to perform acts of service as my love language to her and receive physical touch/words of affirmation from her; my wife seeks words of affirmation / quality time while giving gifts to others as her love language. She feels like she is being judged and demeaned as a mother simply when someone states what another baby is doing or if they talk about something she could be doing differently in parenting. She gets triggered into massive melt-downs at least once a week: she hates this rural country area for not offering the services that her big city on the east coast would, she hates my family for what she perceives to be judgements and criticism (to the point where she has anxiety over holiday get togethers), she hates my job/family business because that ties me down to this area and that I am not willing to sacrifice it for her, she hates my original church (we have left for another church, which she continues yelling at me for not leaving sooner as now her spirit is crushed and she does not have the energy to feel hope/alive to go to another church). She mopes before a weekend plan to go and have fun that she is tired from the work week and just wants to sit with our baby, but then complains that we are home and not out taking adventures like other people she sees on social media.
> 
> ...


Not saying she doesn’t have legitimate issues from possible trauma as a child, but emotional abuse looks similar to what you’re going through. And then if you argue back, she reminds you of all her issues, making you feel bad for even arguing back.

She has to want to get better on her own, not for anyone but herself, to be honest. But the emotional roller coaster you’re on is not fair to you or the rest of your family.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

That sounds unbearable. From a brief description here, you sound like a nice guy with a close family that would have embraced her. I’m not sure you can fix this, and it doesn’t sound like she wants to, but on a scale of one to ten life as you describe it sounds like a 10 of being a really crappy way to live. I’ve said this here before, but the early years and the time of a new baby should be among your happiest relationship years ever. This level of extreme negativity is going to greatly impact your little one as the years go on, whether you’re together or not. Does she acknowledge her constant negativity AT ALL? This really does sound like a “her” problem, because I can’t imagine anyone new wanting to date her if you split nor does it sound like anyone will make her happy. I think you really need to lay it all out there, and really emphasize how unhealthy her anger and depression is going to effect your child. If that doesn’t motivate her to get some help NOW nothing will, and you’re going to have to really think about what you’re giving up (any sense of a happy, healthy relationship, or any happiness at all) to stay with her. She clearly didn’t have any healthy adult relationships modeled for her, but surely she must know this isn’t how it’s supposed to be. Unless you can get her to acknowledge that truth, I’m not sure what’s fixable here. Don’t get her pregnant again right now. I imagine your parents are pretty upset about this state of your marriage right?


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## DN117 (7 mo ago)

Teacherwifemom said:


> That sounds unbearable. From a brief description here, you sound like a nice guy with a close family that would have embraced her. I’m not sure you can fix this, and it doesn’t sound like she wants to, but on a scale of one to ten life as you describe it sounds like a 10 of being a really crappy way to live. I’ve said this here before, but the early years and the time of a new baby should be among your happiest relationship years ever. This level of extreme negativity is going to greatly impact your little one as the years go on, whether you’re together or not. Does she acknowledge her constant negativity AT ALL? This really does sound like a “her” problem, because I can’t imagine anyone new wanting to date her if you split nor does it sound like anyone will make her happy. I think you really need to lay it all out there, and really emphasize how unhealthy her anger and depression is going to effect your child. If that doesn’t motivate her to get some help NOW nothing will, and you’re going to have to really think about what you’re giving up (any sense of a happy, healthy relationship, or any happiness at all) to stay with her. She clearly didn’t have any healthy adult relationships modeled for her, but surely she must know this isn’t how it’s supposed to be. Unless you can get her to acknowledge that truth, I’m not sure what’s fixable here. Don’t get her pregnant again right now. I imagine your parents are pretty upset about this state of your marriage right?


Being as she frequently becomes upset that my family or friends are “judging” her or excluding her, I try my best not to let on to my parents or any body else for that matter who know her personally any of the struggles that have been happening - I don’t want to give anyone reason to have a negative perception of her on my account. She regularly becomes upset when she feels like she is performing poorly as a mother or wife and think I, my family, or the town is “judging” her. While she really wanted an embracing and nurturing family dynamic because she grew up without that, she has thrown fits to me that my family do not include or value her enough (she has said she did not get married to feel like an outcast in the family). She usually admits she is depressed and anxious a lot after she has these fits, but the mood swings back and forth without any stability in her emotions.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Do you think this could be a post-partum depression (they can be REALLY severe). You should check with her Dr...


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## DN117 (7 mo ago)

When I hear her say “I don’t want to get into it…” I have learned to brace for impact because that is exactly what she brings on for hours at a time. I have come home from work three nights in a row now with her having her meltdowns till passed midnight. Last night I told her we must get counseling together, she said it would not matter because I am stubborn and already have my mind made up - that I am too accepting and tolerant to do things others ask of me but apparently not for her. She moved here from a big city on the east coast, before she moved down I had told her that I was tied to our family business and made sure she was aware before we got married that the general area is rural / small towns. At the time she let on that she did not have much tying her down like her family or her job she had been working at for perhaps a year - she was a “country girl at heart”. Now regularly she cries that she gave up everything for me where she was accepted back on the east coast to feel shunned here, that it was my fault she feels depressed because I won’t give up my family job or commute from 1.5 hours away to the nearest big city. Anything that I do for her or forego for her she scoffs at being piddly compared to what she did moving for me. My dad is the owner/operator of our family business since my grandpa died earlier in the year - she has been highly agitated by what she sees as him not having proper management skills or if he gets me tells me to do something because to her that is hypocrisy that I clean my office while his is disorganized and that she is going to tell him off because I don’t stand up for myself. She told me she does not love me because she does not feel love from me when I do other thing because that is prioritizing over her - primary example being that before she had moved down I had told her that I could find another church home with her that we both felt comfortable at - that she would not be forced to the one I grew up in. Well within a few months of her moving down she wanted us to visit other churches together - I was a deacon at my home church and could not just willy-nilly visit other churches (that lead to a blow up with us breaking up momentarily). I had felt the proper timing would be after we were married and after we had our child not to mention that as a deacon I was trying to be a part of a transition period from a pastor whom she did not agree with (she wanted us to just leave immediately when she had a different opinion with him while I wanted to stick it out longer to get through), but even though we left after our baby was born to look for another church she has still held it against me that I prioritized the church over her needs and that her spirit has been crushed (via people problems). Being that I am “cold and heartless” as she has called me, I have shaken my head in disbelief that her life could be so messed up by it and send her into this deep depression of which she in order to be better she has a very particular view on how family/work/spiritual life should go. That I am stubborn and arrogant to not take her seriously when she was crying to leave the church immediately because she knew it would break her spirit not feeling that acclaim and value from others while I treated her as a healthy person who could manage through something for the sake of timing. Last night she told me to leave our cabin when I finally got exasperated and told her she was crazy - I had been trying to say that if the day care int the area does not meet her standards or is full, then we’ll have to look for a local sitter to watch ohr daughter in our house while my wife works remotely, but all she heard from me and was screaming about was her anxieties and fear that other people compared to her were sub-par to watching our daughter and I was being negligent for suggesting it (she will talk over/cut me off when I try to speak the little bit I am able to get off as I am listening to her rant)

The more she launches into me about not loving me because I am not as emotionally deep as her is about to break me - the more she pouts and kills joy from anything fun we are doing together to go over her disappointments the more I am starting to resent her. We are both hanging in for the sake of our 1yr old girl, but I think without her we would have both called it quits by now. Unfortunately for me my patience and understanding lasted up until we were married and pregnant, then the real issues began. She has been talking to a therapist on her own for her mental struggles down here, I am going to have to seek a counselor as well if she does not want to do it together. She has tried getting involved with other civic projects to feel valued and let our her abilities of which I have supported to watch our daughter, but she has frequently stated that she would not need that if I was as compassionate and understanding as she originally thought I was - my position is that she has unreasonable expectations of me.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

So you ultimately left your lifelong church and found another and now she won’t go? I’d be right back to my original church then. Is she loving and happy and playful with the baby? So one thing you mentioned in your original post just stuck out to me when I reread it, _about feeling judged when someone mentions something she could be doing differently as a parent (I don’t know how the italics got on and I don’t know how to get them off lol). Did someone from your family do this? Because while I might just blow it off, depending on what it was, that’s a big no no if the baby’s not in danger. Was this a one time comment, or something that happened multiple times. Because then I’d be getting pissed, but I’d handle it myself. I think you need to really stand back and ask yourself if your family really has been judgmental of her and not fully welcoming. If you really, really feel that’s not the case, then I’m at a loss. She sounds so angry and like no matter what you do she’s not going to accept it. Keep in mind that if you ultimately split she will want to go back to the city, although it seems that would be even harder with a child and no support system. You would have to have written into the papers that she cannot move more than, say 30 minutes away, for example. They do that. This is a tough one because she doesn’t seem willing to make any changes herself, but this is one of those posts where I really wish we could hear her side. Can I ask what spiritual trauma she endured? _


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## DN117 (7 mo ago)

Here is an example on the feeling “judged as a mother” part. Soon after we brought our little girl home we returned to the hospital for a followup checkout. We were told that our baby had a light case of jaundice and that breastfeeding was not enough, that we’d have to supplement with formula. The nurse was foreign and may have been a bit direct with her delivery, but my wife took it as that she was being declared an unfit mother because she did not recognize sooner the problem and the solution. I lumped the subsequent crying fit as emotional carry over from the birth, but she has frequently brought it up as a confidence breaker for her. My wife had intended to invite a friend of hers from the east coast down for the birth and to stay with her for a week after delivery - but this was the height of Covid (August 2021) and my mom advised to keep the people with direct contact with our new baby small and who would not be exposed by the long travels. A couple of weeks later we were invited to see my extended family at an outdoor local location to welcome the baby - my wife has taken issue with this as an instance of hypocrisy while I have had the stance that we were operating on a case by case basis with the information on hand at the time. It’s a difference of mindsets - she by her own admission is very mindful of death having experienced with her own mother at a young age. She confuses our lack of worry for unknown potential dangers as negligence while I think she misses out on happy moments fretting about the “what ifs”. My family and I of course want to keep our daughter safe and healthy. My wife’s life is ultimately tied to our daughter’s, she has told me it would end if anything happened to her - that is why she is so serious about preventative childcare.

She met with another lady for lunch yesterday who has a similar background and validated her grievances. That’s all fine and dandy except for the part of my wife coming home and launching into all of her problems and hurts again while making me to be some sort of liar and hollow in my love for her. As for the church issues, she has declared to me that I broke our marriage vows to protect her from harm when I needed more time before leaving my lifelong church. For one she wanted to visit other churches while we were simply dating of which I could not do because I was a deacon at my church with responsibilities and she has done nothing but scorn it as a male social club. My church threw her a bridal shower and baby shower, which she has had disdain for because to her it was a bunch of people doing something for her out of obligation rather than because they genuinely wanted to (she has a major distaste for feeling that someone is only tolerating her and once she gets it in her mind she will not shake it loose no matter what someone is looking to do for her, which I feel in itself causes the problem of people being polarized away from her). In all between the covid pandemic, new preacher issues, and our own stage in life I felt it was not the right time to leave the church and still believe I kept true to her that I could find another church where we both belonged. The trouble is that to her I prioritized a building and position over her as she felt so distressed and upset by other opinions. She has wondered aloud to me how she could ever love me for not getting her out of there before her spirit crumbled and all I can do is shake my head in disbelief that there was so much weight in waiting just a year instead of the two weeks she had given it.

Being totally honest I don’t know how I can keep going through this, Unfortunately my patience that I thought I’d have for a lifetime has only carried me this far. Had I experienced this before our pregnancy I would have called it off.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

My wife had anxiety, felt judged, and was volatile after kids. Your wife sounds worse but similiar. I dragged her to counseling, she didn't like it because they told her she had anxiety.

She didn't want to admit she needed meds (felt judged... imagine that).

Finally, I ended up giving an ultimatum to start taking anxiety meds or I was done.

I had my old wife back within about two weeks and she has been totally normal since. My story be an outlier, but I think some people truly develop an imbalance and the anxiety is uncontrollable. She should absolutely talk to a doctor....


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Batchit people aren’t worth the investment. I have no empathy for people who chose to stay with them. That may sound cold but it’s less cold than the marriage you are already living.


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## DN117 (7 mo ago)

My sister has the oldest (2yr) and youngest (infant) grandchild while I have the middle (1yr) grandchild of our parents. My sister grew up calling our mom by the nickname “mama #%”, which I am partially going to omit for privacy. Since my sister had the first grandchild, she took precedence with establishing the grandfather/grandmother names, which she has continued with the “mama #%” handle. Since we have had our daughter, my wife has always had a grudge against for this as she feels that the nickname is too close with “mom” and somehow our baby will consider my mom to be her mom instead of my wife. My position is that in this sense the nickname is synonymous with Grandmother and that there is nothing misleading about it. My wife called me to complain about a social media post my dad had made using the nickname, feeling like it threatens her position as our baby’s mother. She wants to enforce our daughter to use a different name

My mom went with her one time to a pediatrician appointment. When they return to the office and were asked how it went, my mom made the joke that my wife was more nervous about the shots than our daughter, in other words that my mom was there to comfort my wife. My wife has been upset by this ever since believing that my mom belittled her in public and she cannot trust my mom.

I think she is being silly blowing this out of context - but that seems to be the norm. Does this strike a chord with anyone else here on dealing with in-laws?


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

DN117 said:


> My sister has the oldest (2yr) and youngest (infant) grandchild while I have the middle (1yr) grandchild of our parents. My sister grew up calling our mom by the nickname “mama #%”, which I am partially going to omit for privacy. Since my sister had the first grandchild, she took precedence with establishing the grandfather/grandmother names, which she has continued with the “mama #%” handle. Since we have had our daughter, my wife has always had a grudge against for this as she feels that the nickname is too close with “mom” and somehow our baby will consider my mom to be her mom instead of my wife. My position is that in this sense the nickname is synonymous with Grandmother and that there is nothing misleading about it. My wife called me to complain about a social media post my dad had made using the nickname, feeling like it threatens her position as our baby’s mother. She wants to enforce our daughter to use a different name
> 
> My mom went with her one time to a pediatrician appointment. When they return to the office and were asked how it went, my mom made the joke that my wife was more nervous about the shots than our daughter, in other words that my mom was there to comfort my wife. My wife has been upset by this ever since believing that my mom belittled her in public and she cannot trust my mom.
> 
> I think she is being silly blowing this out of context - but that seems to be the norm. Does this strike a chord with anyone else here on dealing with in-laws?


I think your wife sounds absolutely exhausting.


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## DN117 (7 mo ago)

Teacherwifemom said:


> So you ultimately left your lifelong church and found another and now she won’t go? I’d be right back to my original church then. Is she loving and happy and playful with the baby? So one thing you mentioned in your original post just stuck out to me when I reread it, _about feeling judged when someone mentions something she could be doing differently as a parent (I don’t know how the italics got on and I don’t know how to get them off lol). Did someone from your family do this? Because while I might just blow it off, depending on what it was, that’s a big no no if the baby’s not in danger. Was this a one time comment, or something that happened multiple times. Because then I’d be getting pissed, but I’d handle it myself. I think you need to really stand back and ask yourself if your family really has been judgmental of her and not fully welcoming. If you really, really feel that’s not the case, then I’m at a loss. She sounds so angry and like no matter what you do she’s not going to accept it. Keep in mind that if you ultimately split she will want to go back to the city, although it seems that would be even harder with a child and no support system. You would have to have written into the papers that she cannot move more than, say 30 minutes away, for example. They do that. This is a tough one because she doesn’t seem willing to make any changes herself, but this is one of those posts where I really wish we could hear her side. Can I ask what spiritual trauma she endured? _


I stayed home from work today at my wife’s request to help with our daughter as she got home late last night from working at the local theater and foresaw she’d need help with our daughter after being so exhausted. At one point she became ticked off when I asked if she’d like to get together with a couple of my friends on invite (she complains how she feels “blacklisted” from the community due to the church drama even though she does not want to be around any of them during events). What really set her off later was apparently my cousin’s girlfriend had posted on social media wishing my mom a happy birthday calling her “aunty”. I have not been able to see the post, but this stirred up a great deal of animosity in her. My cousin and his GF had a baby together and she came from a pretty rough background - my wife feels “judged and compared” by my family whenever someone mentions what the GF is doing as a mother for her daughter (who is a month younger than ours). My wife takes issue with my mom and aunt trying to make this GF feel welcome in the family as my wife feels that she was not fully welcomed and embraced. Once at a family lunch my mom had proposed giving our daughter a mushed up pea (she had just started eating solid foods and getting her teeth in). Our daughter gagged on it and we just moved back on to baby formula for the moment, but my wife overheard my mom saying how my cousin and his GFs baby could already eat table food being a month earlier than our daughter and that really burned my wife up as she feels she and our daughter are being negatively compared. My wife has a strong dislike for anything she feels to be not genuine/authentic - she despises “putting on a fake show of smiling” (that there is underlying resentment and dislike for her despite my family wanting to be with us - which I find intangible and hard to place much worry for). The rub is that my wife does everything 110% for childcare that is at the level of or above the standards of a professional daycare service and she feels that instead of my family praising her for wanting to protect our daughter to such lengths that they scoff and dis her for being extreme worrier. She herself feels anyone who does not value safety protocols on top of safety protocols is negligent and not to be trusted to watch our daughter - I of course feel our daughter is safe and taken care of with her, but this dour outlook that our daughter is a hair’s breath from death or serious developmental setbacks if her standards for proper guidelines are not strictly adhered to has really warped into making baby raising much more difficult than it is (she has said she feels so exhausted that no one does exactly as she says, but complains that she is not going to be a “yes” person to please others who ask for her to do something). She messaged me this rant over the course of an hour, the day really deteriorated from here.

Wife: If you’re just surviving then somethings terribly wrong. And it’s not on my account because I have literally done absolutely everything for you and your entire family. They’re gonna dislike me no matter what and then you don’t like me because it puts you in the middle. And it isn’t a competition bc I don’t have a chance. I did everything I could for y’all. You couldn’t have been blessed with a smarter, prettier, Christian girl and yet I’m treated as if I’m a stain on Persian carpet they can’t scrub off. Thank you for staying to help with [our daughter] today. Sorry I inconvenienced you and your family. I’ll try harder to not bug y’all anymore. Maybe then y’all might actually like me again. IDK. What did I do to make you stop wanting me? Your love language is servitude and task what have I not done to try and serve youI am doing everything to protect our daughter your flesh and blood and I am the one that has unrealistic standards and expectations? that is bogus. Would you love me again if I just sit in a corner and I just keep my mouth shut is that love to you is that relationship to you? Is that what I have to do to win back being a part of this family? It’s not fair but I’ll do it.


I responded: Acts of service is the love language that feels most natural to me to give to you. words of affirmation/physical touch would be what I’d like best to receive. This does not mean that I will not give the others to you or that they are unimportant to me when I receive from you.

Wife: I prefer words of affirmation and quality time and just respect. I don’t know what to give to you. I feel like everything I’ve tried or had to offer is inadequate. And it makes me feel like you and your whole family would rather me not be a part of your family. But I can’t disregard who I am or the way I want to protect my daughter just to earn that place. Because stuff like that isn’t enduring. Once I stop doing what they want then it’s back to the dos like pile. And they make me feel like crap saying those things in front of me and other people bc it paints me in bad light to them and makes others think badly of me and therefore think “poor [me] he’s with her” And I’m a prize. It’s not my fault that they treat me as I am not worth the dirt on their boot. And when you let them treat me like that you confirm what they’re telling everyone “that I’m no good for you” And if I’m no good for you then what are we doing? I didn’t join a family just to he told for the next 20 years they wished I wasn’t a part of it. I don’t deserve that. I deserve to be loved, respected and protected
It upsets me that they treat [my cousin] as if he found the golden goose and that you got cursed when it should be the opposite
I have had so many mother-in-law‘s of my friends come up and say that they wish that they had me as a DIL. And I get the in-laws that don’t even see how good they have it
And what hurts is that I think you agree with them. If you’re just forcing yourself to love me then it isn’t love. And I’m so sorry bc I love you but I expect love that is wanting to be given and not demanded. I don’t know what you want from me other than just sit in a room until called upon. And part of me says do that to save this family but the other part says “hey you are actually quite special and don’t deserve that and it’s not your fault for then not appreciating you.” But I never imagined being in a family where my acceptance depended on me just not being in everyone’s way. So I’m gonna try and find happiness married and alone instead of married and friends. Because [our daughter] needs us together and maybe one day God will speak to your heart on how to view me as a treasure again. And until them I’ll try my best not to bother you but I will have to have help here and there bc I have to also get out of the house here and there to have some sort of fun bc my home is cold. You’re a great person and a great Dad. I just don’t know what to do to get you to cherish me. And I feel more lost bc i see us being happy but I don’t know if we can get there and then I hurt bc [our daughter] deserves a family that gets along and is supportive and not critical. But that’s not gonna happen when all anyone does is belittle me.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Woman are strange creatures.
If experienced past traumas or are depressed most won`t open up their feelings and it becomes guess work trying to diagnose what`s wrong with them.
My first wife if something was niggling her or I said or done something she didn`t like, rather than be direct and tell what is wrong, she would go into a sulk that could last for hours or be bad tempered all day.
The sulking part was the worse, when this happened I honestly felt like getting a gun and putting her out of her misery. Not literally but those were my thoughts.
She eventually dumped me for a lover, in-fact that done me a favour and later the lover dumped her, even he couldn`t tolerate it.
When women get into this mode I don`t think there is much one can do. Not an easy problem.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I see paranoia in her.
.
She sees it in all who surrounds her.

She badly needs serious intervention.

You badly need to get away from her, hopefully, taking the child from her, before she destroys its mind.

This is no joke, I make.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

This is exhausting!!!

She needs help... Your poor daughter is receiving all this anxiety and it could make her anxious and worried about everything too. 

If I were you, I wouldn't engage when she's ranting. I'd say, ok and leave the room. The problem when someone is throwing a tantrum is the more you engage the bigger the tantrum it gets because they crave attention. She needs help treating her paranoia and anxiety which could be part of post partum depression. I went through some anxiety after having my first child. 

As a mother, I would not like my son going through something like this on his own. If your family is supportive, I'm sure they could help you finding help for your wife even if your wife hates it. You and your daughter need it.

I'm sorry you're going through this.


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