# Question about appropriate co-worker relationships



## FUSE (Jan 3, 2011)

Good Afternoon all - First post here, been lurking for a week or so. I have a question about a feeling I have in regards to my wife and her co-workers.

My wife and I have been happily married for almost 15 years. Begining of December my wife went out with 3 of her co-workers. 2 males, one female. They went to eat dinner and then went to a movie. It just doesn't seem appropriate to me. I was furious by the time she got home. For one she only told me they were going to see a movie after work. About 5 hours after she got off work she called to say they were done with the movie. I asked why so long and that is when I found out they all went to dinner first, where they did have a couple drinks.

My thinking and why I was pissed. That was a singles activity. To me, I would think from the outside that appeared to be a double date. I just don't think it was appropriate for 2 single males to take a married woman and another woman (married but acts single) to dinner and a movie. 

I understand going out with co-workers for a drink after work. I understand maybe having a "girls night" where you have dinner and movie. Or even if it was a ton of folks from her work that was going to dinner than a movie. I don't understand the select few going for dinner and a movie.

My theory is this. Even though I trust her, I know life happens. She works with these guys and acutally sees them physically more than she sees me during the week. I feel someone should never put themselves in a position that could lead to anything. I just see a simple dinner and movie between friends turning into a drink with "someone that understands me", and then that turning into a mistake made. 

I don't know if I'm being overly worried and should just let her do what ever she wants. Or am I OK with not wanting her to be in those types of settings with her male co-workers?


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I think many people might not see any harm in this. 

What would your wife think if it was reversed? I know my wife wouldn't like it and so I would never do this to my wife.


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## FUSE (Jan 3, 2011)

I guess that is my thinking. I would never do that, If I did that, especially if I told her I was going to a 1.5 hours long movie right after work and don't call her till 5 hours after I got off work I think she would be a bit pissed as well.

It's not common for us to be away from each other. We pretty much know where each other are all of the time. No real reason, just that we are sort of "homebody" type of people. We are together usually when we are not working.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I think if you see this as inappropriate then it is inappropriate. Did you tell her how you feel and she ignored it or dismissed it as over reacting?


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

If the males are single, then you have every right to be concerned. 

Whether your wife feels that way or not. 

Opposite gender friends while married does not work. Tell her the next time she does that you're going on a date without her with some hottie. Thats basically what this was - dinner, drinks and a movie = DATE.


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## FUSE (Jan 3, 2011)

I did tell my wife as soon as she got home. She says she doesn't see the issue and won't do it again though. It has just been bothering me the way I felt. 

We don't fight at all. I'm a jealous person as it is, and I feel I keep that in check extremely well. She has given me no reason to not trust her. I know from my past experiences and relationships that even when you don't plan on it, over time things can happen that you never intended to happen. 

The main thing I'm worried about is my feelings being an over-reaction. Just wondered if I was alone in thinking that dinner, drinks, and a movie is a date. I feel that the movie was the kicker. That is not something that some co-workers can go and enjoy like happy hour. It's not a time to talk and discuss or wind down from work. A movie is a dark, intimate setting where you are not supposed to talk and just bond by being with the person. Don't seem right to me. 

Totally different if it's a girl / guys night out or a bunch of folks from work all participate.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I think there's a fine line. On one hand, excessive jealousy is damaging but on the other, if you value something, you guard it. I think you handled it pretty well and I think your wife's response was appropriate. If you had said nothing, she might have interpreted your silence as indifference. You didn't go bezerk but you made it clear that you valued the relationship and wanted to protect it from even the possibility of interlopers. 
My wife likes to socialize with her co-workers, but we generally go together. If I have to work, she goes alone. If she were the flirty type, I'd probably have a problem with it, but I have zero reason to even suspect she's ever flirted with anyone. Still, I think she's beautiful and interesting, so I know other guys do, too.


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