# How do i bring it up?



## Flick (Jan 7, 2014)

I don't know what to do and I just need some advice. My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 8. I'm 29 and he's 31. we have one child together, she's 2.

I don't know how to approach the idea of a separation. all I can worry about is hurting him. and I don't want to do that because I still love him.. I just want a lot of things he isn't giving me, even after years of talking about our issues. so, I just want advice from people who have had to do this. please help me..


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You can't tell someone who loves you that you want a separation without hurting them. Sorry, not possible. And as someone who's been through this, if you thought it's tough telling your spouse, wait till you have to tell the kids. 

Will this be a surprise to him? Or is it expected?

C
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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Separation is not a good idea. You need to communicate. I would insist on Marriage Counseling.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, towards the end of my marriage, I was pretty sure it was almost over. I proposed the MC idea to make sure she knew things were drastic, and to try to get closure on what my role was in the failed marriage. I'm not sure it softened the blow at all for her, though. But it let me feel a bit better about having tried to ease her towards that idea. 

C
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## Flick (Jan 7, 2014)

he refuses MC. he told me a few months ago that he's worried I'm going to leave him. more recently he said he is 'mentally preparing himself'. but still thinks we don't need counseling. more specifically on what I'm not getting from him is intimacy and sex. we recently had a 6 month dry spell. really its so hard because he and I are really great.. friends.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Well, then I'd sit him down after your daughter is in bed, and tell him that this isn't the marriage you signed up for. Don't blame him, try to remain unemotional, but just let him know it's not working. 

You may want to get alternate living arrangements lined up before having this discussion, at least temporary ones. It would seem unfair to drop this on him and then expect that you'll all remain living happily in the same home till you can find a rental place (or wherever you end up). 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

GutPunch said:


> Separation is not a good idea. You need to communicate. I would insist on Marriage Counseling.


*Separation, all too often, is the beginning of the end. Look for other viable options such as IC or joint MC. Please make every viable effort to jointly save this marriage first!*


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

He might need a wake-up call. A notice from you that you are really genuinely serious about this. A statement that says you are unwilling to remain in a sexless marriage with no notion of intimacy. As he has rejected every suggestion you have made, and has offered none of his own (or nothing has worked thus far, and no effort is now being made), you have to assume that he has decided that the status quo is acceptable, but it is not. Unless he is willing to commit to efforts that you have suggested, or can come up with something new of his own, then you need to begin the separation process.

Hopefully the separation would give him time alone to realize what it might be like with you not around. Since you aren't engaged in an affair with anyone (right??) and he wants to save the marriage, I could see a separation possibly being beneficial if he steadfastly refuses any other options.


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

I spent the better part of the last 10 years trying to bring up the idea of MC with mine. I never could find a way to do it "nicely" so didn't do it at all, until I completely "lost it"… I guess in a way when you are so far gone that you don't care anymore, it's not an ultimatum anymore it's a reality. "I am leaving"… he decided he wanted to go for MC. I think it would have been better to do it 8 years ago… when I still cared. Now it's really hard because I'm going for MC but have 2 feet out of the door. It's a much harder place to come back from because you only grow farther apart over time, and more resentful of the fact that you are staying in a loveless relationship. I think I was in the same situation as you, I really do love him, but there is no sexual connection at all. I have been trying all these years to "suck it up" but it's not working. 

If he is not willing to go for MC, then that is a good warning sign. Mine wouldn't have either but out of desperation he has. It's been good for the both of us. Don't know that it means we'll stay together but at least we have been learning how to communicate honestly.


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## AlmostYoung (May 24, 2012)

Hand him a copy of Sex Starved Marriage and ask him to please read it for you. 

In it Michele explains how important intimacy and sex can be, and how failing to meet this need in our spouse can destroy the marriage. The book is written for both partners, and she explains how each spouse feels in this situation... which helps us have compassion for our partner. 

Most importantly, she draws out a plan and the detailed steps to improve things. Way better (and quicker) than MC in my opinion.

Since H doesn't want to lose you, you have a good chance that he will wake up and start working on this issue... which left unattended will likely end your M. Please don't wait until you have given up.


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