# EA and giving each other space (while still living together)



## lovesdogs (Mar 18, 2011)

Hi there,

Found out that my husband was planning to meet up with a girl this weekend. He met her while we were on vacation down south, and ended up sleeping with her (so I found out yesterday). I confronted him yesterday and have such mixed emotions about the whole thing. He was genuinely distraught at the stupid decisions that he made. He broke down with emotion several times. He realized very quickly that he made a big mistake that could possibly impact his marriage and family life and that hit him hard. I am a pretty good judge of people, and I know that he was genuinely remorseful, and not just because he was caught. I would be able to tell the difference. It's as though he did something impulsive, and fully regrets it now. 

I want to try and work through things although I know that there isn't a quick fix for infidelity. I know that I have some things to work on as well to be a better wife. I am probably not there for him as much as I should be (which we both agree doesn't justify his actions). We talked about this yesterday and the fact that he just wants to be wanted and I know I am not doing this for him and feel awful. 

I am torn on what the best approach is if we plan to try and fix this (and we both seem to want that). The first step in my mind will be counseling. I've already contacted someone. We are going to have to work through the trust issues, and also I have to work through my issues in being able to show him more love and passion. So I think there is a part to play by both of us. But in the interim, it is just so awkward being around each other. I don't know if I should be sending him away to stay somewhere else for a bit, or if its ok to have him stay in the house (in the spare bedroom). I feel like having him stay in the house will be more cost-effective than getting him an apartment. And he doesn't really have anyone else to stay with. And after all, we do intend on working through things so maybe its ok for him to be here? But I know we need some space as well. I am trying to find that balance. If we go on as normal, seeing each other around the house all the time, I am not sure that we will be able to heal effectively. 

I guess my question is this - if you went through a similar situation did you stay in the house together or did one person leave? If they stayed, how did you ensure that you still had the "space" needed to heal?

Side note: we have a 5 year old daughter which is another reason that I worry about sending him away. As long as we don't fight or act outwardly emotional in front of her (and I am confident that we can control this), then I think its better for her to have both parents here rather than trying to explain that Daddy has to move out for a while.

Thanks,

A


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How did you find out he cheated? Has he ended all contact with her? If he hasn't, you have no marriage to speak of. If OW is married/partnered, you need to tell her SO today.
Get tested for STDs.
Only you can decide whether to separate or not.
If your goal is reconciliation, I would advise against having anyone move out.


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## lovesdogs (Mar 18, 2011)

Jelly - thanks for your note.

I found out when I checked his blackberry (don't know why but I felt the need to check it because he had been on it a lot). They were messaging each other about their plans this coming weekend. He told me they slept together when I confronted him about this coming weekend. He didn't hold back once I probed for info, but was certainly less than honest up to that point.

OW is married but I have no idea how to contact her, or her partner. They live far away from here (a 2 hour plane ride). So not an option. And honestly, not sure I would really want to bother. Morally I get that you should tell the other person but I have enough **** in my life right now without worrying about tracking down someone else, dealing with any repercussions from the OW who could be psycho for all I know. For my own safety and the safety of my family I think I am better to leave the issue alone.

And yes, he is ending all contact. Told her last night, and I know this happened for certain.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Is there a way you can get back in his phone to see her #? I would DEFINITELY tell her husband. The affair when exposed...changes its dynamic. He will have more incentive for staying away from her if her husband finds out the truth. 

What did he say to her (to end all contact)? Did you see/hear it? Keep one eye wide open. Either he ended it or just took the affair undercover and will hide it better. This is why its important to expose the affair. Affairs thrive in secrecy. 

Don't make it easy for your husband. if you just forgive him right off the bat, he suffers no consequences. I'd tell him you are thinking long and hard about whether you want to be with him or not but are open to MC...but you promise him nothing.


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## DoveInTheMud (May 25, 2011)

Unless he has a really good - male- friend whom you trust where he could stay, I would not send him away if your goal is reconciliation and if he had already been feeling neglected by you.

Have him move into the spare bedroom and agree on your interactions over the next week or at least few days: how you will greet each other, what topics would be ok for discussion (eg. arranging things for the child, etc...). This advance planning will make it easier when you cross each other in the house and gives you more space.

If he is truly remorseful, have him buy and read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Linda MacDonald. The book will help him understand what you are going through emotionally.

He needs to understand that there are consequences for his actions. If you feel it would help you, sign up for a gps tracker for his phone, ask to see all his calls and text messages, etc... your trust has been broken and you need every help to prop it back up, if he wants you to trust him again.

If he is still in a 'fog', he may be slow to say 'yes' to these things. In that case, do the '180', but keep in mind that if he had been missing love and passion from you, that in the few interactions that you do have, you make it clear to him that the distance now exists because of his actions and your need to heal, but not because you don't love him or would want to change to be more loving or passionate if he makes the necessary changes that would lead you to want to continue to be in the marriage.


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