# MC and my reading of Codpendnet No More...not good session



## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Well...the first MC with my H and the pastor. Hmmmm.....as if I didn't feel pshycotic already!

The pastor is very nice and maybe I'm just too filled with resentment and synical. First off, I the pastor after me only having an hour to unload my side of emtions, told me I have no need to read Codependent No More. I went through whole gamet of always having boyfriends, no lady friendships, always being the 'pleaser' of my H when mad or angry at our DD. Always on edge of makeing sure I intervine at right time before he gets mad at her. Always doing for others, not for self. Just honestly everything I've said here but in short words due to time.

He says I'm just confused in my needs. That's no codependent and he also said people and counselors use that word for everything these days. He said I need to learn to forgive my H for his ways with our DD. That he is reacting in the devils way of his anger towards me. Since H know's it's wrong, admits and owns it, then it truly is not the person he is and I need to understand that. He also said he doesn't not feel my H is controlling. Yes, he's actions have displayed that due to some insecurities, but that is really the man I married. That right now due to changes, we both have just put these walls up and if we put God first in our lives, our marriage will fall into place.

Again...I have my beliefs. I am not anti God or Church for that matter. I am just not of the person to be full steam ahead in relgion. I am not a bible banger nor God pusher. He sited scriptures which I anticipated. I flat out said I have mentally checked out. I have lost passion, desire, and I feel I've lived for and through others for so long I'm lost. I admited I enjoyed when H was gone over Christmas. I liked being me, my own person, responsible for just me and my DD. I could breath.

Do I hate huring my H with these feelings...yes. Do I hate I don't desire him like he does me...yes. Do I hate he feels alone since he has no family...yes. But it's where I am and have been for a very long time. 

Pastor said since there was no infidelity, I should see this is salvagable. That my H form thier last personal session, knows he has issues to work on and is owning those issues. I was not previe to those issues "they" discovered. 

It basically ended with we are to think about it and decide if we are willing to put God first in our lives to allow him to work on our marriage. That with him all things are possible and if we allow him to prove it, we then can be a witness to others. We will flourish. But we have to be willign to put him first and if we do that, he (pastor) will help us, counsel us and give us great materials for success.

So....right now in my over loaded mind of mass confustion, not to mention throbbing blood vessels from crying for an hour and 1/2, I feel worse! Why? No clue. I feel like I was just crusified, in a kind way, but basically made to feel like I'm unworthy of happiness if I don't put God first and keep my marriage.

He also said me wanting friendships that I missed out on the past, to think I can find those in future isn't necessiarly key to my joy and happiness. That ya, I might feel I need that, but that is all secondary to God and my marriage. Not saying they aren't needed to be healthy on the bottom surface, but if God is first, then my spouse, those friendships will come. He also gave the grass is not greener on the other side speech. I made it clear this is not about me finding another man, a replacement for someone more 'fun' than my H. He understood that and said if I choose to get out of this marriage, later on I may regret and look back that I lost what was really my need with H. 

I explained things H has said and done by way of our DD. The antagonzing name calling etc. He said him and H spoke of it, that H knows it's not right and that I need to learn to forgive. That sometimes the devil takes over and due how I'm making H feel...it's unfortunate, our DD gets the brunt of it. But again, if we put God first, those things will subside, once we learn to forgive we can start to be happy and enjoy and flourish.

We weren't two steps out the door and H is apologizing to me for how it went the religous route. I said why you apologizing? He's a pastor, this is his church..it's what he does. I expected every bit of it to be that way. H said he didn't speak like that to him when he met him at his house. I think H was worried as I just said to him night before last, I am not in the same mode or desire as him with this whole religon thing. So, my 'guess' is he is now trying to figure out how to keep me going without the push of religon. I don't know.

I'm so tired of guessing what's next. What will I need to react to, cope with, how to say things this way not that as to not hurt his feelings or set him off. Just like the CDNM...I am not living in today, in the moment. Every day I live tommorrow and the next and next. I'm tired!!! I can't think straight. 

Pastor asked..are you willing to put God first and put forth the hard effort to make this work? I replied...I cannnot be what he wants. I lost my desire, passion, intimacy, I feel mentally checked out. He ask what I think H wants? I said he wants me to want him and him only. He wants to be all I need. I feel suffocated. H replied about the loss of passion desire intimacy, that he got over that couple years ago when it was lost. 

So...again, it was left, since I'm confused in what I want...to think about it. Think about if I can commit to God and the work needed. If I (we) can, then he will counsel us. 

Clueless, lost, tired, wanting to crall in a whole and wish everyone around me gone to forget about me. No, I'm not talking suicide. Just disappearance. BUT, not from my DD. She is the only thing keeping me going.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Ok as an a-religious person I had to stop at the suggestion that the devil has anything to do with your marital issues. I think you mentioned that you are not keen on your husband's religious leanings. If they are fundamentalist or conservative christian, this does not seem a bad thing to me unless you are also a believer. They are going to tell you that codependency is a term to excuse you from your wifely duty. 

How about an actual marriage counselor?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> How about an actual marriage counselor?


Might be a good idea.

BUT - if I were you - and I'm not - I would give it one more session with the pastor. Even a good therapist will confuse you and mis-read things during a single session.

And I'm sorry, but I really do think the Devil has better things to do with his time then to simply haunt your husband.

And forgiveness is great - but its even better if the person actually makes an attempt to improve the behavior for which they are asking forgiveness.

I DO agree with him that the term "codependency" is thrown around a lot these days. But if you feel like the book applies to you, then keep reading it. 

Take what you like from the book (and the Pastor, and this board) and leave the rest.

I will also say that the most frustrating MC sessions often end up being the best - but you don't realize it until later. I'm not sure that yours fit that description, but let some things sink in before you dismiss or embrace what was said.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Take what you like from the book (and the Pastor, and this board) and leave the rest.


:iagree:

What he said.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Thank you. I know I already have a wall up with this pastor as I am not on same level in wanting to be so involved with religon as my H is. We went out to dinner afterwards and all he did was talk about the pastor, what he said, and repeat over and over how he wants me fixed and back to the old me or even a better me and that if I think an actual marriage counselor would be better than find one and on and on and on.

I know this sounds insensitive, I don't mean it to...but I'm just so exhausted. It has been so long, so many tears, so many hurtful things said, unsaid, and said again. I'm so very tired of living today for tomorrow or the next. I'm drained, tired, bored, exhausted, depressed, angry, emotional to point i feel pshycotic. Our daughter has adapted so many traits of us and me that I feel we have damaged her. I ask H if he thought we should start her with some counseling. He doesn't know either. 

He could tell I was mentally checked out at dinner when I just stared off like I was doped out of my mind. He said you don't want to hear anymore do you? I said not really. It is mentally draining sitting in counseling crying, reliving, hashing out, for an hour and a 1/2 and then doing it all over again 2 hours later, and then again at home for another hour. I can't think straight. I told him I'm back to feeling like all I want to do is crawl in a hole and hide.

So, last night we all 3 played the wii. DD wanted to play a certain game so we did. Well, it got to a more advanced level that she has not played and as always, once she got killed or couldn't do a certain skill, she got all upset. I gently explained to her she is in a level that is far above her age. I told her we can replay the levels she is use to. She said she wanted to do this one. So I tried explaining that she shouldn't be upset if she cannot make it all the way through. She should be proud, and I was proud, that she wanted to try that every time she wants to try and keeps tyring it, she will learn it and get better. Well, next time it happend, she rolled over got upset, cried and so I said lets turn it off for now play again tomorrow. 

I ask for the remote and she flung around with such an attitude and popped me right in the cheek bone with that sucker! Oh man did that hurt. Tears to my eyes. I didn't say a word. I got up turned it all off and for no reason, just broke down into tears. I walked away into the bedroom and H comes in there. He says to me, "she didn't mean to do it" which I knew. He then says, she is sorry and feels bad. Wierd part was, I honestly wasn't crying over the hit, I felt like the hit, just knocked all the **** out of me in my mind and made me feel like this whole situation is killing me. The entire day was a mental wreck. I felt like I was in shock. I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't say anything. He kept talking and it was like I was watching his lips move and not hearing a sound.

Then all of a sudden he says to me, do you think she acts like this because of me? I said not just you...us. He ask if I would feel better if he moved upstairs. I told him I don't know what I want anymore. Him being in same room with me doesn't offend or bother me. So I'm confused as to what he thought moving up stairs would accomplish. That right now, all I want is to quit feeling unhappy, to quit feeling like things I'm trying to do for MYSELF by reading CDNM book, being here on TAM, ARE good for me and not 'against'. I'm tired of hearing that I need to work on you, us, to get all 'this' back. I need ME back, I want to wake up and feel great about my day ahead. I want to go through the work week feeling good and like driving home for the evening. I want to look forward to the weekends again. I'm tired of dreading the drive home. I'm tired of knowing as the weekend approaches it's the same old thing. I'm tired of feeling lonely and bored. It's been too long. And I'm tired of having all these feelings and feeling ashamed for them. That since I'm a wife, took a vow, how dare I feel like this. How dare I feel I may be a better person not married. How dare I feel I may be a better mother to our daughter out of this marriage. How dare I! how dare I feel and think anything that doesn't include or make my husband feel better.

I'm sorry TAM. I just don't know how to live anymore. I'm keeping my book, and going to try and find some financial means to get therapist for myself. I can't focus on myself and husband both. He already said he wants me to MC before my own. I think the pastor has him believing if I focus on myself, I may get farther away, bigger walls and then out. The pastor did say he doesn't believe in individual counseling. Infact, he suggested if we go back, he includes his wife for support of the female view. Something about tag team of a preacher and preachers wife, doesn't give me a warm fuzzy feeling. I dont' know, I'm exhausted and really feel like crawling in bed and sleeping the day away hoping to wake up feeling better. I know, doesn't work that way.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Went to church yesterday. Funny...H took off to his garage for about 15-10 minutes while I was getting ready. I asked what he was doing and all he said was "I needed a little me time". 

Okay...it was very out of the norm for him to say that but I didnt' press issue or say a word. He looked like he was upset but I let it go.

We went to church as a family. And, low and behold part of sermon was about divorce how it's wrong and if you think it it's wrong, all this stuff and about love your enemy and if your spouse is your enemy love him/her. It was kind of wierd. They went on to say those who have been divorced and remarried, that God has forgiven them and so on.

So...entire day was wierd. H and I were quiet to one another which anymore is some what common. DD had to stay with grandma, no school today. Last night I ask him if I did or said something to upset him as to why he took off to garage. He said no and was started to get up set as to me feeling I may have did something.

He said we really need to get on same page. I said I just wanted to make sure that if I did say or do something that you tell me so I am aware. He said him going to garage had nothing to do with me. Yet, this morning, when I got notice of our cell bill being due.....I always go through to make sure we have no new unwanted charges etc....the time he was in garage, he was talking to his freind (one and only one he knows at this church). My thought...obviously he didn't want me to know he was talking to him and it I find it very odd he called him within 30 minutes of us leaving for church. But now my paranoia kicks in as when we walked into the church...seen these friends, they seemed different. Before we chat with them for few after church. This time, they were in hurry to get out of there. Or away from us..or me? 

H talks with this guy all the time. He and his wife divorced seveal years ago and they were one of those couples everyone is in complete shock about. Never in million years would anyone thought they would divorce. They were the display of Christian church goers. So...I believe that is why H has clinged to him and church. He's remarried very happy blah blah so I feel H thinks if he 'becomes' like his friend, everything will fall back into place. Yes, I've said this to my H. He says I'm wrong. Maybe, maybe not.

So anyhow. I'm baffeled as to why H called him before church in secrecy. But I'm not going to pry. I do find it odd as well, he wouldn't say he called his friend. He's never had a problem telling me he's called him or met with him even prior. 

Just lost still.


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## SoulSearching2 (Jan 31, 2011)

I don't have a ton to say but do want to say that I am feeling EXACTLY the same way you are and you are not alone. I'm still waiting for my codependency books to come in the mail but I am working with a therapist and it has been really good for me. Not great for the "us" and "we" but definitely for me. I'm getting over the shame and horrible feelings of guilt for how I'm feeling and how they are making "him" feel. I honestly am not sure if my feelings for my H are salvagable...even if he works on his "issues." I don't know if he is the person I want even still...sometimes we grow and change and we unfortunately do that in different directions. Although I'm trying to work on the "us" part, there is a huge part of me that just doesn't want to and just wants to move on.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

SoulSearching2 said:


> I don't have a ton to say but do want to say that I am feeling EXACTLY the same way you are and you are not alone. I'm still waiting for my codependency books to come in the mail but I am working with a therapist and it has been really good for me. Not great for the "us" and "we" but definitely for me. I'm getting over the shame and horrible feelings of guilt for how I'm feeling and how they are making "him" feel. I honestly am not sure if my feelings for my H are salvagable...even if he works on his "issues." I don't know if he is the person I want even still...sometimes we grow and change and we unfortunately do that in different directions. Although I'm trying to work on the "us" part, there is a huge part of me that just doesn't want to and just wants to move on.


Thanks and I wish you much luck with your success. Right now, I'm stagnet. Trying to get my drive back.


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