# New here and need input



## LTay (Jul 24, 2012)

Hey all. I am new to the forum. I found this place while googling about divorce and decided it wouldn't hurt to post.

My husband and I are young, 23 years old. We got married four years ago and things haven't been going good. It has been a very long road for us. Throughout our entire marriage we have been up and down. We are good for a few weeks and then have a big blow out that ends in talking about divorce. At the beginning of our marriage it was me talking about it, I was young and honestly, wasn't ready to be married. I grew out of that and started to realize how much those words hurt. Now, my husband is the one who always says divorce. 

Back in November, my husband and I separated for 2 months. He called me and asked me to come back home so I did, and we both promised to change certain things about ourselves to help the marriage. That lasted for a week or two and then things went back to how they had always been. My husband and I are completely different people. We have never really had that "spark" that I think in love couples are supposed to have. Our marriage has always felt "good enough" or bad but never good. We have different ideas on every aspect of life. I believe in living in the moment but being smart and planning for the future. I like to have a savings account, plans in place, and future goals. My husband doesn't believe in savings accounts, he thinks that money is made to be spent. He doesn't have any goals for our future and goes back and forth between what he wants out of life. 

When it comes to marriage itself, we have different views on what type of marriage we both want. I want a partnership, where my husband and I tell each other about our plans and live a shared life. My husband wants a marriage where each person has a separate life, doesn't need to talk to each other about any plans or anything, and they are more there for convenience. I feel as if he wants me there when he gets bored but any other time he could do without me. 

Last week we had a fight that led to him saying he wasn't happy in our marriage and wanted out. He said he wasn't in love with me and doesn't think he can ever love me again. It went on for a while but eventually we talked about trying to make things work. The day after we got things figured out, to my knowledge anyways, he told me a lie about him going on a business trip, which turned out to be a road trip with his buddy. I'm not sure why he lied, but when I found out I told him we would talk about it when he came home. He said he refused to talk about it and that he doesn't want the same kind of marriage that I want. He came home today and packed some of his things and left. 

Nearly our entire relationship has felt loveless. I feel as if we care about each other but not the way husband and wife should. I feel like we have so many different goals, beliefs, and values that we can never see eye to eye. We have had this argument about not being happy with each other more times than I can count and we always say we will try to make it work, however, things dont change. I feel as if we are beating a dead horse at this point. I think we are good people but we aren't good for each other, nobody is at fault, we just want and expect different things. 

So, my question is this. How do you know it is time to walk away? I deep down know that it is, but my husband has a way of making me feel guilty about it. He always says he isn't happy and wants a divorce but the second I agree he makes me feel as if I'm the only one on board with it. How do I leave without regretting my decision? We have been trying to be happy for four years and we are only making things worse it seems.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

LTay said:


> How do I leave without regretting my decision?


I think I missed something while reading. Didn't you say he packed some of his things and left? I took that the way you wrote it, but maybe you meant he left and went on his "business" trip. Sometimes, we write forgetting that the reader has to be able to follow along LOL. Please explain so I'm on the same page.

One common note I found in your story is you both keep deciding to try again, but nothing ever changes. That part is obvious, but I'm not talking about the obvious. I'm saying you can't expect things to be any different if you keep doing the same things and doing the same things the same ways. I don't believe it has to be so terrible that you are so different. I think you both have a lot to learn, but neither of you are attempting to learn anything.

You have heard of marriage counseling. You read some, if not many, of the threads on these boards before posting your own story, so you know how often people suggest marriage counseling. What I don't understand is why you wanted everyone to tell you to get marriage counseling. If you can't afford it, there are family counseling centers that are free or low cost.


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## LTay (Jul 24, 2012)

Yeah, I'm so overwhelmed with emotions I didn't explain anything into great detail. I suppose everything I wrote is kind of confusing. I did say that he packed his bags and left. He is the one who said he can't live with this kind of marriage. He says it often. However, as soon as I jump on board with it, he makes me feel as if I am the one wanting to leave. He is in the army so I am 1200 miles away from my family. He came home and packed his stuff to go stay at a friends. And then I get a text saying "If you change your mind, let me know" This isn't the first time he has done this. He constantly says he is unhappy and wants a divorce but when I go to leave he makes me feel guilty. I'm unhappy, he's unhappy. We have tried this over and over again. We both change for a little bit and then he goes back to his old ways (constantly lying, acting as if I don't exist, only wanting me around when he is bored) and I get back into my negative ways. Last week I told him the things that I would change and what I needed him to change and he said that he refused to make any changes. The next day he starts to make the changes that I mentioned, only to turn around the day after that to say he won't change again. We have tried marriage counseling and he is the type of person that tells people what they want to hear. We went to a month of counseling and he would act as if he was listening and agreeing with the counselor, but as soon as we would leave he would say how much of a joke it was. He didn't learn anything from it. So, that doesn't work for us because he isn't willing to truly give it a chance.


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Have you tried IC/MC?

(IC = Individual counseling, MC = Marriage counseling)


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