# Still At An Emotional Wall..Even After Watching FIREPROOF



## Paul (May 26, 2008)

First of all, thanks to everyone on this forum.

My wife and I saw the movie FIREPROOF (thanks for the recommendation Swedish) and I realized our marriage has many many similar characteristics. I admit, I was crying at the end of the movie (how could anyone not?) and I asked my wife what she thought about it. Her reply was that it was a "sweet story." Her emotional wall between us, family, friends, and even God is still there and is impossible to break. She is stoic about everything and has no emotion.

I was hoping the closeness in our marriage would come back and I have no idea how to break this emotional barrier. I am getting so tired of feeling so alone in this marriage. I even go to church by myself and did make an appt. w/the rev. to talk about things. I still see a counselor also.

I am 43 and cannot stand the thought of living the rest of my life like this. In my mind, things need to change or I think I could be happier with someone else. Anyone have any ideas/thoughts?

Thanks again for listening to me vent. BTW, here is my other thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/2748-help-my-wife-disconnected.html

Paul


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

the "wall" thing is something i think i'm familiar with. it won't be just one movie (even as well as fireproof was done) that'll bring the wall down. it's up for a reason. something somewhere along the way scared the hell out of her to let you (or something) get too close to her emotionally. it would be great if you knew what that event was, but you're unlikely to get a clear answer from her about it, because in all likelyhood, she can't identify it.

just hang in there, do good things and don't expect anything in return. the wall will come down as soon as she feels secure enough to allow. it. i know that sounds like "hurry up and wait" but, be patient with her.


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## Tawny Somers (Oct 31, 2008)

Has your marriage always been like this?

If your wife has always been distant, why do you expect her to change now?

Was she passionate and involved before?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Did you buy the book _The Love Dare_? i think you may have missed the point of the movie.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> Did you buy the book _The Love Dare_? i think you may have missed the point of the movie.


:iagree:good point!


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

I haven't seen the movie, but I wouldn't think just watching it would change anything. From what I remember from the previews, the guy had to do a lot of work to win his marriage back. Yes, sometimes it might take some sacrifice for a while. Don't give up!


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## Jane79 (Feb 16, 2009)

I read your frustrations, and being the woman with the wall up, I feel inclined to give you my two cents. 

After watching the movie this past Friday through my friends encouragement, I felt the message was great however it did not bring down the “wall” for me. Let me explain. 

I have been married for 7 years. While I have not been perfect, my husband failed in many ways to do his part to tend to the marriage. He has finally realized this. Recently when I told him this, he only took me seriously after he realized I was serious about leaving. Prior to this, he told me I was selfish and that it was all about me. No, he is not a bad person and again, I am no saint. I truly feel he is trying to make amends, but part of me feels it is too late. In all honesty, I am torn. 

I don’t know your situation, but I just wanted to give you my two cents. Best wishes and I hope that you can make it work.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Hey Jane79, You sound just like my wife! She has this wall up and I cannot seem to get through to her. Please elaborate on this wall you women have so maybe I can understand a little better and not screw up like I did last night.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

I think you did miss the point in the movie, especially if you haven't read the "love dare" and gone through with it.

You can't change your wife, period. You can only change yourself and hope/pray that your wife will see the change in YOU and love you more for it.

That's what I get out of the movie/book, that I can only change the things that I have control over, I can't change my wife.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

But his wife can change for him right?

love is a two way road of trust and compromise and a ton of work.

No marriage is perfect. My wife is on the "cold side" as well, she admits she is very self centered. So much so, that her family contacts ME to get her a message, they know I am the more caring one and the one who makes sure things are in line and taken care of.

I've learned to deal and accept my wifes issues and the way she is. I have made her go out of her comfort zone.

Again its about compromising, you really need to talk to her and maybe both get counseling.

I also recommend LJ's advice on the book


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## Jane79 (Feb 16, 2009)

Sirch, my problem is that we have had problems for over 8 years and he is just now getting it (look up my other posts and it will explain my situation in more detail). 

What hurts is I have tried for years (including the fact that I have initiated counseling 3 times in the past to no avail) to get him to understand. A week ago when he realized I was serious about leaving, he finally got it. I don't want to say it is too late, but it is going to take a long time and a lot of effort from both of us to get past this. As I told him, I just cannot "flip a switch" and make it go away, do you know what I mean?

I am not trying to be difficult (some may feel otherwise lol), but it truly is hard for me to just forget. 

Hope that helps.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Hey Jane79, I do but don't understand, if that sounds right. You could be my wife the way your talking! What if I may ask would make you start to feel like saving your marriage, what can your husband do that would make you feel better about your situation? I realize our relationships are different but they also sound the same. Being a guy I can tell you that we are wired different, we see things in black and white,while women seem to want us to read between the lines so that we have to put effort into understanding what you are teling us. Does that make sense? I am just trying to do the right thing but somehow end up pushing her away farther. Any advice sure would be helpful, thanks Sirch.


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## Jane79 (Feb 16, 2009)

Well Sirch, if you are in the Midwest, then maybe I am! LOL

Here is the deal. As you read from main post, there were a lot of issues, many I could not even begin to sum up. Again, I want to be careful not to blame him for all of it. 

Anyhow, my problem is these are issues that have been going on for YEARS!! This past fall (long before the ex boyfriend ever contacted me), it all began to surface. I remember going to a friend’s house back in November and telling her that I was horribly unhappy, I just could not pinpoint it. Over the past several months, I have been doing a lot of thinking. In my case, I was very straight forward with my husband (I am a pretty direct person. It is one of the things that drives him nuts about me because I can be a little too honest). I told him my frustrations. For example, he has a habit of teasing me in front of people and I have told him since the beginning that this irritates me. When it would start up or I noticed that our conversation was heading towards a fight, I would simply tell him that I was not doing it or don’t start, something to that effect. He did the same on occasion also and would say “ok, lets be nice to each other”.

My biggest pet peeve is this. He did not want to go anywhere. Let me give you a few examples. I was invited to two weddings over the past year. He told me he did not want to go because he did not know anyone. So one I missed completely and the other I went with a girlfriend. Several times friends or family have invited us out. He either would say he was tired, did not feel good, or wanted to stay home and clean the house, but then I would return and he was still in front of the TV. Needless to say, I was very irritated. Again, this occurred throughout our entire marriage. I would suggest places to go on vacation and he either did not want to go there (I wanted to go to Mexico or the Caribbean) or he refused to fly. I would even suggest driving somewhere, but there “we did not have enough money”, but then he would turn around and tell me how he deserved another vehicle, boat, or motorcycle. Seriously. 

I would tell him about school or other things going on in my life, but I never had his full attention. To this day, he still does not know what classes I am taking. That I can guarantee. To me, a husband should know that. He is supposed to be my best friend, and over the years I have shared everything, only to feel that it has fallen onto death ears. 

About a month ago when I told him I was serious, he really did not take me seriously. It was like it was a big joke. He actually said one night when he realized I was not eating that “You are really serious about this, huh?” Did he think I said it for my health and well being??? I even sat down with him one evening to talk to him about it. I promised I would not get angry (I admit, I have a bit of a temper) and I would listen. I just needed him to be honest with me about what was going on. Well, long story short, after 30 minutes of coaxing an answer out of him (this is typical, he does not like conflict at all and avoids it at all costs), he finally told me that I was selfish and that he felt it was all about me. That was tough. I could see it on some things, but here was the kicker. He told me that while I took care of my grandfather, worked full time, and went to school, he said I did not do that everyday and he felt that when I talked to others, I made myself out to be “superwoman”. Let’s just say that did not sit well. It still to this day bothers me and he knows it. I felt that as my best friend, the person who knows me better than anyone, I do not feel that way. Yes, I am often overwhelmed, but that just was downright hurtful. When I told others who were close to me, that sat their in disbelief that he would even go there especially with what I have been thorough the past 2+ years with my family. I am in a position that I cannot choose. That is another story in itself.

Anyhow, I suggested going to the marriage retreat about two months ago when I first heard of it. He was very hesitant. I told him that I was worried about us and I felt that it would be a great way to see if we could improve things. He said that he did not feel our marriage was that bad, despite the fact I was telling him my frustrations. Only after he realized he was very close to loosing me he wanted to do whatever he could to save it. 

While I admire the fact he is trying, there are two problems. The first being is he is smothering me. Yes, I want him to try and I respect that, but it is to the point it is almost transparent. I say this because he has made the comment to me “I don’t want no one to say that I have not tried”. But then he will turn around and tell me he loves me with all of his heart and does not want to lose me. I told him I need time and that I just cannot go from zero to sixty in a flash. There is a lot of hurt on my end (I am sure he feels the same) and I think we need to rebuild. No movie or object can do that. It is simply an band-aid on a gaping wound. 

To some it up, I need time. I need some space. I feel like I am being suffocated and rushed. This did not happen overnight, and it cannot be fixed overnight. There is a lot of hurt on both ends, and it is going to take time. It is not something that will just disappear, and it will take a honest effort from both of us. 

Hope that helps! Let me know if I can elaborate more!


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Well I tell ya Jane, I'm not in the midwest, i'm in LA (lower alabama)! Why is it one minute she does or says one thing (like i need space, I'm smothering her, ect.) but then asks me over for dinner or movie. It's a damn rollercoaster ride that I want stopped. It's too draining for me emotionally, Somedays I just want to call my attorney and quit. Then other days I am a crying wreck. She told me she needed space when I moved out and I gave it to her. Four days later I am getting blasted for shutting her out! I really do not know what to do at this point.........


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## Jane79 (Feb 16, 2009)

Sirch, I would say she is playing games. She either wants it to work or she doesn't. I don't want to tell you the wrong thing, but that is not fair. I have flat out told my husband all of the above and today when I got 20 questions, I reiterated it. I would tell her that you plan to give her space, and let her decide the next step. I would simply tell her you cannot keep doing this and that you want to make it work, but she needs to meet you halfway (i.e. she needs to be willing). 

Just my two cents.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Jane79, All I get nowadays is " I feel dead inside ". She doesn't know if "we are going to work this out". Your right I can't keep this up much longer. I have 35 more days with the love dare and if it's still the same with her I am out of this mess. She knows my position on our situation, I want to work on it and be happily married, but it seems that I am the one doing all the trying. She keeps bringing up the past while I am focusing on the future. I guess time will tell for you and me huh?


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## Jane79 (Feb 16, 2009)

Are you sure you are not my husband!!!? LOL

We are doing the Love Dare also. Just started it this weekend. Personally, I am finding it hard, but every situation is different. I feel bad telling you this because I am the one who feels dead inside!

But, that being said, I think if you give it your best shot, she will either realize it or she won’t. In all honesty, the same holds true for myself. I don’t expect him to wait around for forever for me to decide. I want so much to let go of the past, but I have been doing this for 8 years and I am tired. It does not help that I am already seeing patterns re-emerging and it has not even been a week since he had his “epiphany”. Yes, I realize a lot of this may be based on my reaction thus far, but it is hard to believe someone who is in their forties is ready to change so much. I do believe people can change, but I have done this before. After counseling (again, 3 times), things would change for awhile then right back to square one. It is hard for me to get past that you know? I am trying. That is all I can do. 

Again, I am not defending anyone, I just hope I can offer you perspective. Do your best and go from there!


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Yea I'm sure I am not your husband, I can't afford two wives! Would love to have more conversations with ya, maybe we can help each other through our rough patches. It is nice hearing a womens perspective. let me know and I'll give ya my email addy. Now my question is why can't you let go of the past? It can only be countereffective, I'm not saying to forget. If you forget you doomed to repeat but just go forward instead of backward.


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## bhappy3 (Feb 4, 2008)

Jane, Sirch!!! I'm part of this equation too! Maybe I'm the third wife! 

Jane... I've been going through it all for 12 years, plus. We just celebrated (if you want to call it that) our 15th Valentine's Day. He just realized two weeks ago that I'm serious... and he realized it when I took all my rings off, that I have NEVER taken off for anything. 

He's been ass kissing for two months or so now, but I'm really resentful of it. For YEARS AND YEARS I told him what I needed, but he blatantly ignored it, or did it on HIS terms. Now that I take my rings off and tell him I'm done... well, we're on HIS terms again. He's kissing butt and scrambling like mad to win me back. And frankly, I don't give a s#!t. 

I so know what you mean about needing space. I want space, too, but he just wants to smother me with affection and doing things for me. That's what he could do for me though... just give me some room.

Sirch... I know the emotional roller coaster you're on... I'm doing the same thing to him, but not too much. I don't know what I'm thinking for our future. Some days it's nice to know he's there, and others I want absolutely nothing to do with him. And don't tell me YOU'RE on a ride... do you have any idea what kind of ride YOU put HER on for years? Sorry, I don't know your story (I'm just assuming you did her wrong), but if MY H would say that... oh hell no. 

Bottom line is that I put up with his selfishness for over a decade, talked/begged/cried myself blue in the face about how it needs to stop and it can't go on like this, and he waits til the situation gets so bad that it's going to make HIM look bad, then he's all ears and ready to fix it. How can I not resent that? Why has he listened to NOTHING I've said for the past 15 years? So he can't expect that anything is going to change overnight. 

I just need some breathing room to think by myself.


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## Jane79 (Feb 16, 2009)

Sorry I have not posted in a few days, but my drama continues to unfold. 

Bhappy, I could not agree more. That is exactly what my husband is doing. Kissing butt to make up for lost time and I am so far gone at this point. If I do leave, it will be for me. I don’t WANT another relationship!!!

Well, here is my latest. Last night I returned home from taking care of my grandpa, and he was really nice and chipper. I even talked to him around 3:30 that afternoon and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. He gave me a neck rub, did laundry, we talked for a bit, and he went to bed. 

So I decided to get on the Internet and check the news for the day, etc. When I went to Google something, I noticed right away that he had been on numerous different websites searching for the “friend” that almost came between us two years ago. I went calmly into the bedroom to ask him about it, and he denied it at first. He also was looking for cell phone numbers, etc. When he finally admitted it, he became tearful and said that he is so afraid of losing me that he thought that if I had seen that, I would get mad and be more willing to make it work. Trust me, the way to my heart is not bringing back past hurts. 

Then I decided to check the browser history to see if it was cleaned out. It was, with the exception of the above. He did this the other night also and when I asked about it, he said he was looking for apartments because “he knew it was over”. 

THEN, I noticed the phone book was on the coffee table. He said that he was trying o look up some numbers (it is always in the kitchen). 

I honestly am just at a point of frustration. No, I don’t want to throw in the towel, but no one deserves this. He has serious self-esteem and anxiety issues (he is aware of this, his doctor has even recommended counseling) and he refuses to help himself. 

At this point, I am going to see if he decides to seek out the help that he needs. If not, it is done. I have been doing this for 8 years and I am simply tired. 

If either of you need to vent, please feel free to contact me. I am still pretty new to this board, but I will sit down tomorrow and learn how to navigate it more.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

bhappy, I know I have not been a model husband or father for the past three years. I understand that and now I'm taking steps to correct myself (small steps but steps nonetheless). I was a sevice tech for twenty years, good pay, no stress just work. At her urging (I believe she was embarrased by my profession once she moved up the corporate ladder) I started my own home inspection service, who knew the housing market was going to go down the toilet. After sinkng more money into this and not going anywhere I became depressed, had some health problems and started to drink myself numb and occupy my myself with mindless tv. Everytime I started to fold up the business she would talk me out of it and continues to do so to this day. I know this has affected her and our son negatively, I was wrong but she didn't in her words have to "pretend" all these years either and let me go on thinking our mariage was ok. I love my wife and want to spend the rest of my it with her. My problem is she started, as far as I can tell an emotional affair, she claims it's over but I'll never know for sure. How do I give her space when every time I do she claims I am shutting her out? Keep in mind that I have been out of the house for two months now and it's driving me bananas!


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## bhappy3 (Feb 4, 2008)

Sirch... well, we're in a little bit of a different situation here... my H's hobbies were NEVER hobbies, they were always passionate obsessions. It started with hunting, and is now softball. People on here keep telling me that I can't take his hobbies away from him. He doesn't have hobbies! When he puts that stuff way WAY in front of his marriage, therein lies the problem. I can understand having hobbies, if only that's what they were. I'm sorry I don't have answers for you as far as what's going on with your wife... I don't understand why it's happening to me, I only know that I feel the same way she does. Today I got a good day of being left alone, finally. Neither of us are going to move out... we still have work to be done before we can throw the towel in that far. He didn't sleep in bed with me last night which was a relief to me, but I know it hurts him. But dammit... did he ever bat an eyelash at how I felt when he hurt me? Nuh uh. 

Jane... wow, I had that exact same thought today... if we do come to the point that we split, I don't want another man. And then I thought, 'well, what will I do about sex?' What am I doing about sex now though? I'll get by without. Thanks to the H, I no longer want it. Check out my thread on what I finally came to the conclusion are our problems... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-i-think-i-figured-out-problem-s-finally.html You definitely have some issues with the whole other woman thing. I consider softball and hunting to be the "other women" in my relationship. 

I don't know how to pick up the pieces that have been tossed all over the place. He told me last night that I have this wall up and only I can bring it down (yes, MarkTwain told me the exact same thing), but haven't I been through enough and done enough giving? He's walked all over me for 14 years... the reason the wall is there is because of him. How can I take it down when he won't give me the space to even look at it b/c he's smothering me so much? Then he tells me that for the past two weeks he's been getting in a routine of being nice to me and all, and with me requesting distance, he's going to have to break the new good habits. pshaw


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## Jane79 (Feb 16, 2009)

Ahh, well call me devil woman, but I am sinking even farther into a hole. He lied again tonight. 

Yes, I have many issues with his "friend" he decided to look up to make me want him more. She almost destroyed our marriage, and he admitted he did it to make me "want" him. Sorry, try again. 

Bhappy, I read your list and while not the same, I totally understand where you are at. He usually ignored me to watch tv, never wanted to go anywhere becasue he was tired, etc. The list goes on. 

Again, I have been telling him since October that I have had issues with us, and he chose to ignore it. Now, as in your situation, he wants to make it right. Bull!!! Not that easy! 

He even had the nerve to ask me if I like rubies tonight. 

Not buying it, and not buying me!!


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## bhappy3 (Feb 4, 2008)

Men are Mr. Fix It's... they don't try to fix anything until it's broken. And you and I are broken, now they're trying to fix it and their efforts aren't working. What ever happened to maintenence so it doesn't break? Sigh....... 

My H is giving me some space, slept on the sofa past two nights and I love it b/c I'm not obligated to wake up and cuddle him like HE wants (sometimes I get the feeling it's for a feel... the only way he's getting one). He's not all over me during the day either. And you can tell he's bothered by it. Oh well... just give me some time to work it out in my head. 

I really hope your H doesn't buy you rubies or anything now. How could you enjoy something like that? Have you or has he read The Five Love Languages by Chapman? It might help things some. 

I am still wary, very wary about that other woman you mention though. That's one thing I can say about us... it's all internal... there is no one outside trying to get in at us. To make you jealous? No, I think it's his cushion if you leave him... so he's not all alone. 

Keep us posted. =)


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

You gals are tough! I have something and I want you two's opinion on it, ok? One of the dares this week was to ask your spouse to tell you three things that irritate or make them uncomfortable. Well I emailed (remember I am out of the house) and asked and got a lengthy response. As the dare said I didn't get defensive I just wrote back thank you. Two days later she calls and is wondering why I asked and why all she got was a thank you and what were my thoughts about her on the same question. I told her to take the dare (she has a copy) and she would find out. Later that night she calls just to say goodnight which was out of the ordinary. Do you two think I was right in asking her to "take the dare"? Again her calling has me intrigued because normally all I get are texts and there about our kid not us, and I have been doing the same thing not really having any contact unless it's about our son. What say you o'h scorned women! I am just joking we you I know your having a difficult time as well but a good laugh can't hurt.


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## bhappy3 (Feb 4, 2008)

I got the giggle out of it. 

Yikes, maybe I responded in the wrong thread... I haven't seen the movie or read the book. 

I don't think you were out of line asking what you did. It was harmless, and probably showed her that you're working on things even if you're not by her side every day. And maybe that's where the phone call comes in... because you have her intrigued about it all. I don't know though, I don't know your situation well enough, and don't know anything about the dare. 

Can you tell me... is that movie heavily doused in religion? I got that impression and that's why I didn't watch it. But please, correct me if I'm wrong.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Yes it is about faith, maybe heavily if you are not into religion but it was a good watch. And your right I am about fixing things, thats all I have done untill this new profession. But please don't make him feel too bad, my wife is doing that to me right now and if it wasn't for this dare I believe I would have said to hell with this a little while ago. Jane79, I can't tell you what he is thinking bringing another women into the mix, sounds stupid to me. I have never stepped outside my marriage and do not intend to while I am married. Don't get me wrong, I want to have sex as bad as anyone but I will not go down that path. I know how it feels to have been betrayed and it is a crappy feeling. Bhappy3, my wife is from pennsylvania too, this is getting scary!


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Hey Sirch ahs your wife ever been checked out for Depression or any other disorders? that roller coaster type is usually ADD or something.

She may have a disorder if she is "all over the place"

or it could be the gumbo 
(A little southern humor)

Anyway, sounds like a rough road, best of luck, but I would ahve her checked out.


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## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

My wife and I separated back in March 08. We went on a date night to see "Fireproof" when it was in theaters last summer and it did nothing (because of the serious issues), to get us back together. My wife bought the "Love Dare" book about 5 months ago and hasn't done anything with it to win me back. I bought it last night and after reading all the "Dares", realized it had great concepts to practice in relationships, but our marriage is too far gone. The Love Dares are nice, but they don't really address/resolve the issues that are destroying our marriage.


Separated 11 months now...


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Hey MAXX, let me tell you it ain't easy and maybe this thread can help you along your journey. I am still in the dare and thanks for the link, when I have more time I'll check that out. Can't hurt at this point can it? I can give you a little advice, 1st read the five love languages! That book will explain alot and when your finished see if your wife will be willing to read it as well. 2nd, read Men are from mars and women are from venus, this too will give you more insight into what your wife needs. 3rd, go to a marriage counselor (if not together then go alone). 4th, DO NOT GIVE UP untill you have tried everything in your power to reconcile. 5th, if you need a place to vent do it here, we are all in the same boat with you and it is therapeutic to type out your feelings.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Thanks mommy22, I try to make these rough times as easy as I can and humor seems to do the trick for me. Maybe my attempts to bring a smile to someone's day can help.


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