# My husband cheated but I am the one all the focus is on...



## mamabear131617 (Oct 5, 2013)

Hi, I'm new here and looking for some insight. I have been with my husband for 3 years and married for a year. After a few months of dating he one day out of the blue accused me of talking to someone, which I was not because as far as I knew we were exclusive at that point. I was a bit taken back but assured him I was faithful. About a month later he accidentially sent me a text that was intended for a "friend" of his I knew nothing about. I later went through his phone (childish I know) and discovered several flirtacious texts between the two. I confronted him and he told me it wasn't like that. He promised never to talk to her again and as far as I know he hasn't. 

Throughout our relationship and marriage he has accused me from time to time of being unfaithful. If I take too long at the store he asks why I was gone so long. If I took too long messaging him back I was talking to someone else. Things like that. He wouldn't get mean about it....just make snide comments. 

Fast forward to this past July when I caught him messaging a coworker. When I confronted him he lied twice then laughed it off after I showed him the evidence. Once he realized I was serious and leaving he changed his tune. He has apologized profusely and taken steps to "make it right". 

HOWEVER, he has continued to accuse me of talking to someone else. It's actually happening more frequently now. He gets upset if I don't talk to him while he is at work and claims it''s only because he is bored and likes my conversations. I am sick of the accusations and sick of feeling the need to validate him all the time. Why is he doing this? I can only assume he is still cheating and perhaps feeling guilty. I have full transparency and haven't found anything suspious since but I don't know.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He's projecting his own guilt on you. Because of the email you found a long time ago, I think that there is a lot that you do not know about what he's up to. He knows how easy it is to lie to you. So he worries that you are doing the same thing to him.

I think that you really need to read the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. 

There are ways to find out if he's still cheating. I think, after you read the book, you would benefit from some snooping. You have the right to snoop because you have the right to protect yourself.


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## mamabear131617 (Oct 5, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> He's projecting his own guilt on you. Because of the email you found a long time ago, I think that there is a lot that you do not know about what he's up to. He knows how easy it is to lie to you. So he worries that you are doing the same thing to him.
> 
> I think that you really need to read the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley.
> 
> There are ways to find out if he's still cheating. I think, after you read the book, you would benefit from some snooping. You have the right to snoop because you have the right to protect yourself.


I will check that book out. Thank you. I have continued snooping but haven't found anything. Of course he knows I am looking. He knows I have access to his facebook and e-mail account.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

projecting guilt. I agree with that.

Another possibility: He is actually trying to get the attention & emotional needs filled from you that he was missing (that stirred him to seek attention from the other woman in the first place). Probably not this case, but could possibly be why he wants to contact you so much.

Either way, he seems like he's not very mature to handle a one-on-one faithful relationship.


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## mamabear131617 (Oct 5, 2013)

Chelle D said:


> projecting guilt. I agree with that.
> 
> Another possibility: He is actually trying to get the attention & emotional needs filled from you that he was missing (that stirred him to seek attention from the other woman in the first place). Probably not this case, but could possibly be why he wants to contact you so much.
> 
> Either way, he seems like he's not very mature to handle a one-on-one faithful relationship.


Could be. He said the reason he talked to the co-worker in the first place is because he was bored. I try to talk to him during the day but I have a lot going on with a 16 month old and a 7 week old. I don't have the ability to sit and chat. A few days ago he was throwing accusations out left and right because I wasn't messaging him enough and he thought I had someone over. :scratchhead: Today I tried chatting with him during free time but he turned his chat off (said it was so he didn't think about what I was doing) and then got huffy because my messages were too short. So finally I told him I give up. If I can't message in the correct manner I will just wait to talk to him when he gets home.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mamabear131617 said:


> I will check that book out. Thank you. I have continued snooping but haven't found anything. Of course he knows I am looking. He knows I have access to his facebook and e-mail account.


One of the best ways to find out if a person is cheating is with the VAR (voice activated recorder) in their car. secure it to a hidden surface, like under the front seat, with adhesive backed Velcro. People who cheat tend to use their car as a private place to talk to affair partners.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mamabear131617 said:


> Could be. He said the reason he talked to the co-worker in the first place is because he was bored. I try to talk to him during the day but I have a lot going on with a 16 month old and a 7 week old. I don't have the ability to sit and chat. A few days ago he was throwing accusations out left and right because I wasn't messaging him enough and he thought I had someone over. :scratchhead: Today I tried chatting with him during free time but he turned his chat off (said it was so he didn't think about what I was doing) and then got huffy because my messages were too short. So finally I told him I give up. If I can't message in the correct manner I will just wait to talk to him when he gets home.


Ok, this is bad. He's being way too jealous and making things up. The two of you need to be in marriage counseling. He probably needs IC to find out why he is so insecure and jealous.


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## "joe" (Aug 19, 2013)

i don't want to go too far, but this does sound like paranoia, the real kind.


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## mamabear131617 (Oct 5, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Ok, this is bad. He's being way too jealous and making things up. The two of you need to be in marriage counseling. He probably needs IC to find out why he is so insecure and jealous.


We are currently looking for MC and IC. He has agreed to do both.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Most definitely projecting.

He is either doing something he shouldn't be or still feeling guilty for when he was doing something he shouldn't have been.

Or feeling guilty for wanting to do something he shouldn't.

whichever it is it isn't good.

Keep an eye on his phone, VAR his car.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

EleGirl said:


> He's projecting his own guilt on you.


Classic Cheater move - they accuse you of what they themselves are doing.


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