# I think my husband suspects that I am cheating...



## seveerE (Oct 29, 2009)

we have been together since 2001. married for over 5 years. have 2 beautiful children. before we were married, i strayed, but it only got as far as flirting. before that, i was talking-just talking to another guy-mind you, this was before we ever got married. he was living in southern california and i was in northern california. anyway, i thought everything was fine. sure, we've been struggling lately financially, but who isn't? other than that, our relationship has been great....all up until a few days ago. i had (still have actually) a really bad kink in my neck. any movement i made with my body brought on pain. and needless to say, i was not in the mood for ANYTHING...especially sex. i'm sorry, but i don't feel sexy when i'm walking around like Frankinstein. another part to my story: i am a color guard instructor for a high school, and my captain has been having her own set of problems. she is being raised by just her dad, who confided in me about their problems. basically, she got in trouble and had everything from her cell phone to her fb taken away. so the only way i can keep communication with her is thru her dad. well, since then, i've become friends with her dad. the extent of our friendship is occasional bs comments on fb, and/or a text as to what's going on with the team. he is getting information from me about practices, performances, etc. to make sure that he knows where his daughter is.....so okay, from all of this, my husband thinks something is up. this isn't the first time his insecurities has acted up. but i don't know if i can keep disproving negatives like this.

has this ever happened to anyone here? advice please...


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

And maybe your husband is picking up that the guy isn't just talking to you because of his daughter. He's single. He's looking...

Perhaps you need to put some distance between you and this other man because your husband shouldn't be worrying and there is something you can do to reduce his concern... because you love him...

- No Facebook
- No Texts


----------



## seveerE (Oct 29, 2009)

i have no doubt that my husband thinks this way; however, this doesn't change that i still need to have contact with my captain.

i've come to realize that my husband will always think of me as a lying heartless *****-no matter what i do or don't do.


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

How much contact do you really need? I'm sure she has a written schedule and knows when she has to be where.

I suppose you don't really love your husband? You sound extremely resentful.

Are you going to choose this other guy over your husband? Because to me, that is what you are doing, even if your husband is wrong.

He can not trust other men. That doesn't mean he thinks you are any of the things you suggest he thinks.

You said, "other than that, our relationship has been great". Doesn't sound like it to me or else you wouldn't be so angry. What else is going on, really? Did you ever cheat on him? Was it really only flirting and talking before marriage? Do you realize that you undermined his trust through your own actions and that he could probably use some therapy to help him deal with his feelings of insecurity? 

What did you do to make up for flirting/talking with other guys? What did you do to make him feel more secure?


----------



## seveerE (Oct 29, 2009)

i don't need that much contact with her-but it's more on her dad just checking to make sure she's where she says she'll be. 

i do love my husband very much...i'm just getting a little frustrated with being accused all the time. i feel like i can't make any new friends-men or women. if i'm not "in the mood" this constitutes as i'm having an affair/i'm keeping something from him. i'm juggling so much in my life, and the latest thing is my convert to a new religion. i have not followed any religion for almost 12 years. and i've actually found a place that works for me, where i can rebuild my relationship with God. my husband is not following with me, but he sees me being serious with this, yet he thinks i'm committing adultery.

i'm close to being broken.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You are choosing a type of behavior that is inappropriate over that which protects your marriage.

If I were you, I'd refuse to do this BS communication train anymore. it is not your responsibility at all. if that means the girl is off the squad, then so be it. It's between her and her father.

You are getting to close to that man and he may be trying to see if he can seduce you. Of course, you already know that and like it.

Return your focus to your husband and stop this drama-inducing stuff. It's not a part of your job at all.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

michzz said:


> You are choosing a type of behavior that is inappropriate over that which protects your marriage.
> 
> If I were you, I'd refuse to do this BS communication train anymore. it is not your responsibility at all. if that means the girl is off the squad, then so be it. It's between her and her father.
> 
> ...


School website can be used for practice and competition info. Have a kid's parent maintain it. just not him. Female parent.


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

He's using excuses to contact you. Tell him it is disruptive and you will contact him by exception, only. That is, if she isn't there, you will let him know.

If you are taking on things that make your marriage more difficult, maybe you need to have some priorities -- like your marriage comes first above all else. 

All I get from your posts are frustration, wanting to do your own thing, and resentment at your husband.


----------



## seveerE (Oct 29, 2009)

k, first of all, it's not like i talk, text, email, with this man every day. not even every other day. not even weekly. he's not trying to get in, nor am i letting him in in any way. i'm just being attacked for no reason by my husband, and apparently on this forum-where i'm seeking others who have been in this same predicament.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

seveerE-

Just to help us gauge the measure of what is going on here, how often do you have sex with your hubby?


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You feel attacked but that's because we see so much defensiveness in you that we're suspicious that there is more going on here that you don't want to tell us. You also don't answer questions. You just want to be told you are in the right and that's not going to help your marriage one bit.


----------



## Lostandconfused (Jul 6, 2009)

First off, I don't see that what seveerE is doing is wrong or bad or misleading or any of the things that have been said. Personally I'd be defensive if everyone here started telling me I was doing the wrong thing by doing my job, but that's just me.

Second, imo, she being a teacher, concerned and communicative with a parent. Communicating back to a parent, when they contact her, to let them know their child is where they expected them to be. Simple. Done. She has ZERO control over the parent other than doing what Dobo suggested of saying to the dad, "IF" your daughter isn't here, then I will contact you. It's not necessary for you to contact me each time. I pass out written schedules or it's posted on website so and so. Otherwise, assume she IS here. Anything else would be suspect by the dad and her peers and supervisor and imo, would not professional.

Now, how does she deal with her hubby is a different story all together. I would calmly let him know the entire situation surrounding why this dad keeps contacting you and you keep responding. I would begin to ONLY respond with texts - no voice calls. I would offer to see if I could have those specific calls/texts (identified by his number) forwarded to your husbands phone in the event that your husband just cannot believe that you aren't being unfaithful and let him forward the dad's request to you. You, or he, via text can assure the father that yes, the daughter is where she is supposed to be. If this is possible, then your husband knows he's seeing ALL communication coming from this dad to you. If that's not possible, keep ALL texts so he can read them, both outgoing and incoming and all incoming voice messages so he can listen.

It's easy to become flustered or angry in this type of situation but you have to remember what you KNOW about the situation. Don't become frustrated, angry, or defensive with your husband. Just remain calm. You are innocent. You've done nothing wrong so there's nothing to defend. A calm, clear, precise answer to your husband with background information consistently each time your husband brings this up will convey to him that you have nothing to hide, nothing to be guilty of, and nothing to be angry or defensive about.

After that is all straightened out a discussion on what you can do to gain your husband's trust seems to be the next thing on the agenda. You say you love him, then offer to be transparent in any way he asks. Again, you're not begging, being defensive, or sneaky ... just open and honest and you want to mend what has been damaged.

Just my $0.02.
Lost


----------



## seveerE (Oct 29, 2009)

To Lostandconfused: thank you so much for not being one-sided on my situation. My frustration does not come from only this encounter, because this has happened times before. (not exactly like this, but similar). And the reason why my husband and i have made it through all those tough times, and lasted this long is BECAUSE we communicate. he goes through my phone and looks at all my contacts, reads my texts both incoming and outgoing. he even sees what i'm doing on facebook. i have not kept my husband in the dark about my student's dad. i tell him EVERYTHING. i even told him about this forum last night. we stayed up til 3:00am trying to get to the bottom of eachothers insecurities, fears, etc. there was a lot of crying (on my part), talk about splitting up, and most importantly what it will take for us to stay together. 

-oh and this thing about my student's father, was a complete misunderstanding. i was sitting at the dining room table doing my homework when i received his text; my husband was on the couch watching tv. when i replied back, i went into the kitchen (where my husband can still see me) for a drink. it was that simple maneuver that sparked his interest. he first asked me who was texting. i told him who it was, but he thought: by me going into the kitchen to reply, I was hiding something. the day went on as normal, but i kept on getting the cold shoulder. he later looked at the messages, but continued to be standoffish towards me.-mind you this whole time, i was not feeling well, as my neck was having spasms.-so i probably was not very approachable as well. anyway, we did reach understanding early this morning, slept in the same bed, and he kissed me goodbye before he left for work....i think it'll work out, because neither him nor I am giving up.


----------



## seveerE (Oct 29, 2009)

MarkTwain-with everything from two small children, school, part-time and full-time work, we manage to keep the fire burning at least twice a week...with the exception of this past week-where there was none.

your analysis:


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I agree with LostandConfused. I have been on your husband's end and resorted to snooping to uncover the beginnings of an affair (we were married 7 years at the time) and the snooping continued for months whenever I would get anxious about what I didn't know, if he was telling me the truth, telling me everything. The thing is I HATED IT everytime I snooped...just made me all panicky. Over time, I started to believe more in what we are today vs. what happened and it felt much better to let that go. I don't think I could maintain that for years and feel good about myself, us...

I also think it would be a self-fulfilled prophecy of sorts to not rebuild the trust. At some point, I can imagine he would just feel I would never get past it and it would get tiring.

I'm glad you have the mindset you will not give up. I hope he can let go of his insecurities at some point. Seems a long time of snooping w/o finding anything and he still feels the need to do it.

I agree that it's a necessary part of your job to talk to parents. I don't think every man that questions his troubled daughter's whereabouts is looking for anything more than reassurance his daughter is okay. It is great that you take the extra step and care about the teens you work with. As they say, it takes a village to raise them


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

seveerE said:


> your analysis:


Your biggest problem is your neck. Everything else pales into insignificance. You can change your hubby, but you can't change your neck. It's with you for life. Necks can be very tricky. Have you sought expert advice?


----------



## seveerE (Oct 29, 2009)

swedish-thank you for that. my new found relationship with God has also made me think that maybe this is a test....maybe God is testing us. have we passed? it's a work in progress. marriage does not come easy. some people on this forum are not married and don't understand...and i forgive those who are quick to judge and basically condemn me, when they don't really know me. i understand everyone has their own opinion, and i appreciate your insight on my post. Blessings.


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Yes, it is her neck. I agree.

Hmmm....


----------



## seveerE (Oct 29, 2009)

MarkTwain-actually, i have gone to the doctor about my neck before, and all i was given was pain medication and muscle relaxers...which (like most medication) has only temporarly fixed the problem. my husband says its age. i'm only 30, can it really be age? maybe stress induced?


----------



## Lostandconfused (Jul 6, 2009)

I'd like to offer one more tiny comment on this thread. 

Everyone comes to the discussion table or forum with the eyes we have, the experiences that have molded us and given us our distinct viewpoint. Each one of us brings much and regardless of how antagonistic or how gullible someone may appear, we offer a view point that no-one else has - our own. That's value because it offers all of us a chance to "see" a situation from outside ourselves! That truly is why we all come here, right?

Again, just my $0.02.
Lost


----------



## Ephiphany (Oct 30, 2009)

I think that you are a professional and your job includes talking with parents, both male and female. I think that when a man dosn't trust his wife enough to allow her to converse with another man then he has a bit of guilt on him. Now i am assuming that you have not given birth to his insecurity by cheating. With that being said make sure you are being a complete wife. What does he do for a living? Does he have to talk with females? Either way a maarige is founded on trust. If he is upset becuase of this conversation with another man then stop it for the sake of your marraige. If con't to be jealous you may want to do your on investigation. You might be suprised


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

seveerE said:


> MarkTwain-actually, i have gone to the doctor about my neck before, and all i was given was pain medication and muscle relaxers...which (like most medication) has only temporarly fixed the problem. my husband says its age. i'm only 30, can it really be age? maybe stress induced?


Giving someone with neck pain, pain killers is idiotic, unless a full diagnosis has been made first! You need to go to an expert. Pain killers and muscle relaxants are dangerous in this situation becuase they can create a false sense of security and allow you to throw your head around more than if you accurately felt the pain. It's important not to jerk it about. Your muscles have gone into spasm because your body is trying to protect itself. everything is in lock-down mode. Using drugs to remove the lock-down without curing the underlying problem could actually be putting you in more danger.

Go to an expert.


----------



## seveerE (Oct 29, 2009)

Ephiphany: you know, that thought did cross my mind, but i would be amazed if he was cheating atop his overloaded schedule. he is a mechanic, working 4 10s. and his days off are spent with me and the kids.

and like i've said before, the contact i have with my student's father is less than minimal. we are in our competition season, which is why i may seem more occupied with my team, while still juggling my children's activities, my son's homework-as well as my own, keeping my house in order, all my domestic duties, and pleasing my husband. i have a lot on my plate at the moment..and i do realize that at times having too much like this is detrimental to my sanity, my health, and my family. my school is almost over, in that i am 4 months shy of receiving a BS degree. so until then, i am pushing through, and honoring my commitments as a wife, mother, student, and a teacher.


----------

