# How do I help my spouse forgive himself?



## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

This is my first time posting, but I don't know where to turn. I'm a wreck and this is all surreal. Some background...DH and I have been married 10 years (together 13), he's 33 and I'm 32. We have 2 children, an 8 year old and a 2 year old. 

Several years back, when our son was 4, I began my first year of teaching. DH and I had worked reverse schedules to care for our son up until that point, and he started pre-K at that time. To me, everything was going great in life. We were able to see DH since he wasn't working as late, and I was doing a job I loved (albeit busy and demanding). DH got into riding his motorcycle and said he was riding with a group of guys he worked with (at a dealership). Long story short, he started an emotional affair with a girl that worked with him and was part of this "guy group". She rode a motorcycle and basically used that as a way to worm her way into our marriage. He's weak and oblivious to other peoples' intentions. I discovered the inappropriate conversations on MySpace the day after he told me things had changed and he wasn't sure if they could ever be the same. I closed his MySpace and confronted him. It wasn't an "I love you" type of EA, but mostly flirtatious and sexual. And they were spending time together and talking on the phone. And he wouldn't cut off contact with her when I demanded it. Basically, his friends, family, everyone made him see that he was an idiot. Boils down to his need for attention as a man wasn't being met because he was jealous of me loving my job and not being his number one priority (up to that point I only worked part time at low wage jobs). He was also turning 30 and having a sort of mid life crisis. We stayed together, went to a couple counseling sessions, which were BS. No emphasis was placed on communication, she made it all about him being okay with who he was and me getting over the EA. 

Fast forward a few years. We had our daughter a little more than a year after this happened (yes, I know, babies don't fix things  ). Things were really good. We have always had a pretty easy relationship, never fight, laugh a lot, very low maintenance. But I'd warned him before that all relationships require work. So, not a lot of time was spent together. He's a night owl, I work early and need my sleep. He has friends in Vegas where he grew up and keeps in touch with them late at night after I'm in bed due to the 3 hour time difference. Whatever, I'm cool with that. I wish we had some sort of marriage rituals, and time dedicated to each other each night, but we don't.  

So, our cycle usually works where we coexist peacefully, have some good times, then lots of other times where it's like we're just roommates. Both of us have our computers up and the TV on, talking on our phones, etc. after the kids are in bed. He used to sit with me and help grade papers, and it was actually fun but now he just sits on the couch and talks to people on Facebook. Then, something triggers me to not trust him (usually him covering up something innocent with a white lie so he doesn't hurt me) and all hell breaks loose. The tears flow, and we both admit that we've grown apart. He always says he's not sure things can be how they were. The latest was Thanksgiving weekend when our daughter was crying in her room at 3am. I got up and he was nowhere to be found. I called him and he said he was in his truck talking to his best friend in Vegas. I thought that was suspicious, and I was right. In the morning I looked at his phone and found that he was talking to his first serious girlfriend out in Vegas that he'd recently been chatting with on Facebook, and their conversation lasted over 2 hours, and it wasn't the first. So I bring it up and I'm wrong for jumping to conclusions, obviously. And he says he'll always have a cloud of suspicion because of his mistake, which he regrets. 

Apparently, about a year ago, I hurt him pretty bad when I told him I loved him, but I didn't feel like we were in love anymore. I will be the first to admit that I did push him away out of the feeling that I wanted him to want me. I wanted him to show me affection and prove he loved me. But he saw it as me distancing myself because I was disgusted with him. Now, he's changed. He says he can talk to whoever he wants because they are just friends, nothing is wrong with it, and he would never ask me to not talk to people. But this ex girlfriend is obviously fishing, she's posting all over his pictures and wall and everything. Chatting every night online, talking on the phone, he's friends with her 10 year old son, it's just weird. I went and looked at her husband's page, since DH's defense was that "she's married and lives 2000 miles away" and his relationship status is "it's complicated". Yeah, that's reassuring. Add in that he's visiting out there the second week of January, and you've got a concerned me.

We're at the point now, where he feels like things will never be the same. He hates that he hurts me, and he feels like a failure because I cry and hurt. He places all the blame on himself, I've done nothing wrong, and it's all his fault. Nothing I say can change this. He talks to his dad and his dad tells him he's got to do what's best for him. So, I keep saying that we can really try and I know we can get things back, and he says we've tried before. But I try to make him see that we said we'd try but there was never an action plan. He refuses to go to a counselor with me. Basically, I feel like (based on his texts and what he's said to me) that he thinks that hurting me one last time by leaving would be better than trying to save our relationship and failing. This hurts so much. He says he doesn't want to do this in front of the kids and ruin their Christmas, and let's not figure anything out until after Christmas, etc. He wants me to "relax" and not discuss things in front of the kids and because he can't handle it every day, so we pretend to be okay. He'll kiss me on the head and give me hugs and keeps telling me he loves me. But he won't say that he'll try. He thinks things are changed forever because of what happened a few years ago. I agree, it changed my view of him, but the problem boils down to communication and trust. And we've got to rebuild those. We are really good together and compatible. It's just that life got in the way. And it kills me that he can't see that people go through this all of the time, and some give up and some succeed. And that the most powerful message we can send our kids is to try and succeed. Because down at the root of it all we are still the same people, and our relationship is worth saving. But how can I make him see this?


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

This is something that he is going to have to figure out for himself. I still struggle and get upset with the Hell that I put my wife through. She does the same thing to herself for what she did. All I can do at this point is love her and hope that eventually I will be able to forgive myself.
I have forgiven her, but I am much harder on myself.
Counseling did help a lot, he really needs to talk to someone.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I hate to say this, but I have to wonder if this is not so much about that he won't/can't/hasn't forgiven himself, but about that maybe he doesn't really want to be in the marriage any longer. 

I wonder this because he got caught have an emotional affair once. Now, he's doing things that would give any woman cause to mistrust him, and when you say something, he immediately goes into self-beating mode until you insist you two can work things out if you just try. Sounds like a big guilt trip to me. Most men, if they really wanted to make the marriage work, would be giving you access to stuff, and going above and beyond to let you see they can be trusted. 

I think counseling might really be necessary for the two of you to get past this. You might have to insist that he go with you.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

LonelyNLost said:


> This is my first time posting, but I don't know where to turn. I'm a wreck and this is all surreal. Some background...DH and I have been married 10 years (together 13), he's 33 and I'm 32. We have 2 children, an 8 year old and a 2 year old.
> 
> Several years back, when our son was 4, I began my first year of teaching. DH and I had worked reverse schedules to care for our son up until that point, and he started pre-K at that time. To me, everything was going great in life. We were able to see DH since he wasn't working as late, and I was doing a job I loved (albeit busy and demanding). DH got into riding his motorcycle and said he was riding with a group of guys he worked with (at a dealership). Long story short, he started an emotional affair with a girl that worked with him and was part of this "guy group". She rode a motorcycle and basically used that as a way to worm her way into our marriage. He's weak and oblivious to other peoples' intentions. I discovered the inappropriate conversations on MySpace the day after he told me things had changed and he wasn't sure if they could ever be the same. I closed his MySpace and confronted him. It wasn't an "I love you" type of EA, but mostly flirtatious and sexual. And they were spending time together and talking on the phone. And he wouldn't cut off contact with her when I demanded it. Basically, his friends, family, everyone made him see that he was an idiot. Boils down to his need for attention as a man wasn't being met because he was jealous of me loving my job and not being his number one priority (up to that point I only worked part time at low wage jobs). He was also turning 30 and having a sort of mid life crisis. We stayed together, went to a couple counseling sessions, which were BS. No emphasis was placed on communication, she made it all about him being okay with who he was and me getting over the EA.
> 
> ...


Another explanation is that he is having an affair and wants out of the marriage but he want to maintain his status as a good guy and it is working. He has got you feeling sorry for a man who is about to abandon his family. He has managed to distort your reality big time. He has found a clever way to do get out. Do some investigation you will find the evidence, don't let him know you suspect.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Thanks for the comments. He has given me access to everything. I have his facebook password, can access his phone, and his e-mail. We had another talk last night and he really does hate himself. He is depressed, but stubborn and doesn't want to talk to anyone.

I have considered that he was trying to make me want out. Or that he was testing me to see if I really cared. But he is really a pessimist, which he gets from his father, and he's afraid of failing. He's the type of guy that would do anything for us, but he's going through some things. I think it's more than just the damage he did with the EA. His "friends" are just a distraction. I do question the whole sneaky stuff with the phone and computer, but he does this stuff all of the time. He tries to hide things that are innocent but would make me question him, and then it blows up in his face. He never goes out, I know where he's at at all times, so it would be hard to believe something else is going on, though I can see how you'd think I'd miss it. 

I just don't know how to get him to agree to counseling. Even if it's just for himself.


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