# Do you think better exposure of the A would have saved your marriage?



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I know that it's easy for a BS to look back and think "What if?", but so much emphasis is put on exposure that I wonder how many marriages may have been saved as a result. 

Share your exposure stories and lessons learned here...


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

This is a bit of a threadjack, but I'll make a point which is somewhat tangential to yours.

I was in an EA. I never hid it from my wife, characterizing it as a friendship. While it _may_ have just been a friendship, it still hurt my wife and family and drew me away from them, so whatever you call it, it was wrong.

But enough of history. Exposure was a pipedream because my wife knew and her husband didn't care (long story).

BUT...when my wife drew a line in the sand, the dreaded D word, that 'burst the bubble'. Not so much the loss of 'love and affection for and from my wife'. That was pretty much gone. But the reality of not seeing the kids. Not having a support system. The reality of living alone. Taxes. Bills. Hotels and car rentals and dividing the stuff.

Now, that seems coldhearted and selfish and SINCE then I was able to reconnect to my wife. But I would say a strong exposure and VISIBLE AND BELIEVABLE CONSEQUENCES quickly and firmly stated will shake up anyone who isn't already totally gone. It worked for me.

Unfortunately, by the time of discovery, many spouses are already there...and by the time the BS stops dilly dallying, most of the rest get there pretty quick!


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## Loyal Lover (Jan 30, 2013)

JCD said:


> Not so much the loss of 'love and affection for and from my wife'. That was pretty much gone.


JCD, Did you regain these???


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Loyal Lover said:


> JCD, Did you regain these???


Yes. But I noticed it's recovery 8 months after NC. I started to smile when I thought of her...and I was GLAD! I FINALLY felt like I was...connecting. That I cared and wasn't just going through the motions.

I felt...somewhat redeemed. Not totally. How do you make something like that up? You can't! But you can try.

So I guess I have a twofold message:

BS: You need to be patient with your Waywards. It is NOT easy to break away. You didn't forge a relationship in two days and you didn't lose it in two days either. It will take MONTHS for them to get things together.

Waywards: Just..stop. I know EXACTLY how you feel! SHE/HE is the sun the moon and the stars with orgasms added! They are interesting, and funny and cute etc, while your 'old news'...isn't. It's most likely not real. Take the time. Stop what you are doing and breath! If you have 'the real thing' you can set the Other Person aside for a while. You owe it to yourself, your spouse and your kids. This will take time and for a LONG TIME, it will feel like you are going through the motions. Your spouse wasn't a bad fellow...and they probably still aren't. They just aren't new.

If after this hiatus from infidelity, you still can't stand your spouse, get a divorce. But do it because of the SPOUSE, not because of the OP.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

JCD, 

You raise the important point about timing. 

Timing is of the essence. Swift and with maximum impact is the way to go. Unfortunately, most BS's are too shell shocked that they will vascillate between anger ("get out!") and fear ("don't leave me"). The emotionally detached WS does not respond to anything other than exposure, shaming and loss of family, finances, reputation, etc.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

That is a bit strong. From what I recall, both Wazza and MattMatt had, according to CWI dogma, atypical reconcilliations. And not every marriage guru agrees with the meat and potato approach of CWI.

That being said, I can only say what got MY attention.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I only told the other BS and a few close friends. 

The few friends I told where there for support until I decided what direction I was going to go. They were the ones that were going to put me up should I decide to divorce, since none of my family is closer than 12 hrs and multiple states away.

I told the BS because he deserved to know what his wife was up to in order to protect himself. And because he worked for the company that her cell service was through. He could keep on eye on the cell phone records and I couldn't because the only cell my husband had was a company cell.

I did not expose him any further because we decided to R. No point in telling either side of the family as it would just habor bad feeling from my side and his side is known for coodling their kids APs during the split.

FYI the affair was over before I found out.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I will weigh in on this one as exposure was an option after D-Day that I considered but didn't use. I have always stated that exposure can be an effective way to end an affair but it can also scuttle the marriage. Its use should be carefully considered and the motivation for it very clear. To snap the BS back into reality and understand what they are risking in the A. Not for vengeance, spite or punishment. And the BS must be prepared that once they have done it they may have just signed the marriage's death warrant. At a minimum the WS will be pissed to the nth degree and will take some time to level out.

There were several factors that I considered during the weeks after D-Day. 

The relationship was an EA, never went physical and they never met in person.

My wife's misconception that I was controlling in nature and that if I did this she would counter with that argument to friends and family.

My own denial that the relationship was just a friendship and not an affair.

Fear that I would blow the marriage, or what was left of it, up.

The EA ended and she went NC at my insistence a few months later. It resumed under his initiation about 6 months later. Upon discovery, I demanded that it end or I would leave her. She understood it was not a bluff or a ploy, but a fact. She ended it. I had resolved to myself, if it restarted that she had in fact chosen him over me and my only recourse would have been to file and expose the affair. This would be the final end game. 

In reflection, exposure early on would have certainly killed the marriage. We were too damaged and she was emotionally too far away from me. That distance had started long before the EA evolved. If I had used it in the later part of the cycle it may have helped. 

At this point I feel the decision was correct to not use it. As I state in my recovery thread, we came though this all without dragging everyone else along for the ride.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Now that I think about it, I remember being a bit apprehensive when I visited my step mom and my siblings. My wife wasn't happy with my friend and I certainly wouldn't have liked her bringing other people into this.

My wife DID talk to my sister about it, but...well...my sister was on my side. My wife and sister don't get along that well...so if you DO expose, it might not make a whole heck of a lot of difference depending on the family dynamics. Thinking about it, my mom spoke to me about her concerns, but she didn't hammer me about it.

Just a word of reflection. It isn't a panacea...but it isn't snake oil either.

If there is a lesson here, it is to expose to the RIGHT people. What little exposure my wife did was to the wrong people.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

JCD said:


> This is a bit of a threadjack, but I'll make a point which is somewhat tangential to yours.
> 
> I was in an EA. I never hid it from my wife, characterizing it as a friendship. While it _may_ have just been a friendship, it still hurt my wife and family and drew me away from them, so whatever you call it, it was wrong.
> 
> ...


JCD, I am very interested in EAs since my marriage collapsed over various EAs that my exH carried on and, of course, with my current relationship that brought me here.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> JCD, I am very interested in EAs since my marriage collapsed over various EAs that my exH carried on and, of course, with my current relationship that brought me here.


Some posters suggest the book "Not Just Friends".

If you have some specific questions, PM me so we dont threadjack staystrong's thread.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

I'm not sure it would have saved the marriage. But one thing is for sure - by the time I DID expose (after learning of the PA and 3 years after the fact) it was way too late.

If you're going to expose (and I recommend you do) - do it as quickly as you have enough evidence to confront. Don't wait because that allows the affair to continue, or in the case when the affair is over - it allows the secrecy and distancing (due to the secret) to cause irreparable damage to your marriage.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

I only exposed my WS to his family bc they kept making stupid comments that I was too hard on him and that was why we were separated. I got to the point (2 months after Dday and I kicked him out) where I just needed to defend myself. I also exposed to some of his friends/co-workers who thought he was a pig for being with her when I was soooo much more prettier and we had a family.

Cannot talk much about exposing bc I have no idea if it indeed helped him out of it or not. I truly believe that what brought us to where we are now (my WS has been begging for R for about 6 months and I decided to give R a chance during December) was time and separation. He had enough time to think of what he was losing, miss me and his family life and I had time to take care of myself - learned I could live without him. I am in R bc I choose to, not bc I am dying or cannot live without him - if it does not work, I am stronger than ever! I think he came back bc he could respect the woman I was for not putting up with his crap anymore.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Effectiveness of exposure depends on how you position your intentions when executing it, the perception of your intent is critical.

Wholesale exposure is ineffective, and can backfire if you do not present your intentions as being pure. The appearance that your intent represents any type of shaming, punishment, vindictiveness or 'tattling' will surely destroy any chance of reconciliation.

It's the single greatest tool available to you when your personal efforts to destroy the affair fail. But, it must be used properly.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> I will weigh in on this one as exposure was an option after D-Day that I considered but didn't use. I have always stated that exposure can be an effective way to end an affair but it can also scuttle the marriage. Its use should be carefully considered and the motivation for it very clear. To snap the BS back into reality and understand what they are risking in the A. Not for vengeance, spite or punishment. And the BS must be prepared that once they have done it they may have just signed the marriage's death warrant. At a minimum the WS will be pissed to the nth degree and will take some time to level out.
> 
> There were several factors that I considered during the weeks after D-Day.
> 
> ...


There would of been no restart of the affair if you had exposed the first time.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

theroad said:


> There would of been no restart of the affair if you had exposed the first time.


There would have been no marriage had I done it at that time. Sorry, exposure is not a fix all for all situations.


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