# Caught her in the act - Do people get by this



## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

Married 4 years, were planning a family. We've had some rough patched here and there. We've lived together for 8 years. We don't have a lot of time to ourselves, we work hard. This is something we both need (In retrospective of what happened 'needed' might be a better word) to work on things to keep us close and intimate regardless of work etc. I live in one of the Asia's and she's Asian, I'm white. The language barrier is not a problem, her English is perfect and I speak the native language well enough to work entirely in that language. We speak English at home. I live in a building and in an area where there are many foreigners.

A few weeks back we had a big fight. I don't know that the details of the fight are important, but within each family I'm sure there are a set or rules you have that some might call 'common sense'. She misinformed me of her plans and never bothered to call. I'm at home with plans to have some alone time with her trying to set things up for some romance.

She decided after this blow up that she needed time to figure things out for herself. She said that she wasn't sure what kind of person she was anymore and wanted to have some alone time. She's 40 and I'm not sure if this was a 'mid-life crisis' kind of thing, but OK. She said being alone is something that she wants every once in a while, which is not a problem, I do to. 

A couple weeks pass and I take on far more of the house so that she can concentrate on herself. She literately has to do nothing around the house. I try to read her body language 'does she feel like talking, does she want to just be at the PC or watch TV' I thought I was doing good. Apparently this was making her feel as though I was 'trying too hard'. So I backed off...I continued doing more house work but decided to get my own work done too.

Yesterday, a gentleman in the same apartment building we live in was having a housewarming party for a new roommate of his. Only in the weeks leading up to the party did I suspect my wife was in touch with him. On our way home from a mutual friend's wedding at the end of April, we took the train home together, but I forgot my wallet at the hall where it took place. The train ride was only 15 minutes but I would have to grab a taxi since that would be the last train running that night. They (My wife and the guy) went home on the same train and I came home by taxi. I figured by the time I got my wallet, found a taxi and arrived home, she'd be there. She wasn't. I called and figured that being the last train was running slow. She was carrying some of my stuff so I went down to the station to carry it. I found out (I'll skip ahead) that they had arrived home and the guy was keen to show her his 'bachelor pad'. I told her my concern for her not showing up at home but didn't really feel a need to voice any jealousy concerns, because I wasn't. I trusted my wife even though I didn't trust him entirely. He had told her (And later she told me) that he thinks I don't like him because of some situation that I don't recall at all. So I tell my wife that I have no hard feelings for the guy (That's changed)

The weeks leading up to the party, she had sent mail back and forth with him. She wasn't informing me of this, but she was (I would find out later). After our recent blow up and her needing time, she sent him a message saying "He's going to be at your party. If he acts strange it's because I told him I needed time. I've only told you about this so please don't tell anyone else" 

Not wanting to make things strange and wanting to be 'normal' I went to the party and was actually having a good time. My wife showed up and she was having a good time. As the evening went on I noticed she wasn't around. She was in another room with a bunch of girls talking 'girl talk'. Not a problem. Again, trusting my wife, I decided to head back up to our apartment (Same building) and asked her if she was going to stay. Big mistake! She was going to stay.

At 12am I was upstairs getting my stuff ready for work the next day. I fell asleep. At about 230am I sent a quick message to my wife asking her how she was doing. No response. 430am roles around and I decide to head back down.

I open the front door and there is no party going on...I quickly run to the bedroom where I find her laying naked on top of him naked with there faces close.

<ABSOLUTE SHOCK and only pain others with the same situation/experience can understand> 

Why? WTF!? I was in shock. I never imagined my wife would do this. Even with the needing of time she said that she wanted our marriage to work and that she wanted to have a family but that she just needed a little bit of time for herself. She was also PMS'ing (Sorry if that offends the ladies, but that was the word she used when she said if she happens to say something that hurts me to remember that it's that time of the month too) 

I was telling her to get her clothes on and the guy was apologizing. As stuff was getting said my wife looked up at me and said "I'm leaving you." I put my fist through the balcony sliding door window. If she wanted to divorce me, if she wanted to be with another guy, divorce me and then go ahead. Not like this though.

I get her upstairs and into our room. I was in a dark place and I couldn't wrap my head around it. I kept wishing it were a dream and that I was going to wake up. The pain was so deep I took a knife and tried to cut my wrists, my wife stopped me. 

She was still a bit drunk, but I asked her what had happened. Her story was: "We were having a deep conversation and then things happened." I asked for specific details. I mean I wanted to know everything. She asked "Why do you want to know THAT." I explained that it was going to take a lot of explaining before anything happens next.


She insisted that she had to go back down and clean up the mess she felt she made when I busted up the window. I told her there was no way. She kind of drifted off to sleep as I was talking, I am sure alcohol was a part of that.

I went downstairs to confront the guy. His roommate reluctantly opened the door. I went into the guys room and he was snoring away. I woke him up, asked his roommate for a broom and pan, started to clean it up and asked him for his side of what happened.

His side: "Since the day we went to the wedding of <friend's name> she's been coming onto me. She's even sent me emails I can show you. She's was flirting with me at the wedding, she was tonight. My roommate can back that up. (Not the most biased of people to back his story up)

I saw the back and forth that I figured was going on in the emails. The words she used were basically the words she used with me. One thing about my wife is she's very friendly to everyone. If you happen to be a guy who has a girl smile at you and think 'Aw, she likes me man.' then you'll get the wrong signals from her. So, the emails said nothing about divorce but according to what he said, she had been talking in passing in the elevator and hallway that things were going well between us, that we were getting separated and then he said she made it clear to him that she was getting a divorce from me. He also pointed out that in her emails she said "You have a lot of experience so I have many questions to ask you." When he said he thought I was on the road to moving on and so was she that at that point he figured she was 'fair game' and tried to get her into bed. I walked in just as they were laying with each other, no sex had started, a few kisses were shared and that was it.There were no covers, I saw that his 'member' was not in her.

I gave him a brief (Very brief) run down on what is happening. Told him to stay the hell away from her and that if she emails or calls to let me know. It was either that or I knock out your pearly whites. He said he understood and that if he had known he wouldn't have done anything. I don't believe that part but with this happening, he would be burning many bridges. I told him to keep what happened to himself and his roommate. That's when he asked "So how are you going to pay for the window" I could've knocked him out right there but was too concerned about what was happening upstairs.

On my way up, I called my friend who is also a pastor, asked if I could stay with him, not knowing if she wanted a divorce or not. He told me to hang in there and that I was welcome.

So, I went up. I set my mind on blank. If she wants out then put that on the table. If she wants to stay, put that on the table. Time, she's run out. So, she decided to tell her side of the story, she said: "We were having a deep conversation and he and I had finished cleaning up after all the guests left. We had cleaned it all up and talked more. I was about to leave, got my back but he grabbed my arm and asked me to come to his room. I have no excuse for following him. He took off my clothes but I have no excuse for letting him. There was no sex and I don't remember any kissing. I was naked and on top of him and feel ashamed and sorry."

I then asked "If I hadn't walked in how far would it have gone." She says she can honestly say "Not any further." I asked her how much alcohol was involved and knowing that there were a few people at the party taking drugs, had she done anything. She said "I was drinking but not drunk. I didn't do any drugs. I knew what I was doing when he was taking off my clothes but I have no excuse for why I let him." I asked "Did you or do you want to be with him, is this why you've been emailing him?" She said "No. I can't explain and have no excuse for what happened but that's not what I want."

When I told her his side of the story she said some of it is true some of it was dead wrong. First, she wasn't flirting with him. This I can believe (Or did...but I guess I can't say for sure now) because whenever a European friend comes and goes she gives them hugs, knowing that that's part of the culture. The second was any talk of divorcing me. She said she had never said she was divorcing me and that she had never had any conversations like that with him. Any time they passed in the hallway or elevator he asked her "How are things?" and she would respond "Not so well." She said that it was about work, as her job is hard. She works in a 'claims' department dealing with all kinds of horrible people. She said she never talked about us to him as far as divorcing or anything. She admitted to emailing him about how she needed time and that this was making me feel a bit crazy which is why I might be acting a bit weird at the party.

So then came another big question...why him? She says the reason she wanted to talk to him is because she had over heard him talking about his 'experiences with love and ladies and of a love lost' She wanted to ask him about these things and to maybe get some advice since she was now in a place she felt like 'she didn't know herself.' I asked her why she didn't talk to me. This is where I will take my share of the blame and say I wasn't always ready to listen because there were so many times she was pessimistic when she had every reason to be optimistic. I should've listened more.

I told her of all the guys you could've talked to, you choice the one single guy who, as far as I know, cares nothing about your problems but will do what he can to get you into bed. She said she believed he had answers for her but after hearing what his side of the story was, she decided that she had made a mistake.

So again, I put it all on the table. Did you ever think of divorce? She said yes. Why? I don't know, she said. Did any of the last almost 10 years mean anything to you, or did somewhere along the line you decide it wasn't worth it anymore. I told her to stop caring about my feelings and whether or not she's going to hurt me anymore than she already has. If she wants a divorce then let's get it done. I told her I had a place to stay. I told her that I would support her financially until she found a cheaper place to stay. I gave her the opportunity to leave and then to stay. If you decide to stay you're going to have to earn my trust back, which may take a long time (And I don't know how long it will take), you're going to have to take a step forward in the relationship in a positive way. No secrets, no lies because next time it's all over regardless of the circumstances.

She broke down crying. She wants to stay and I want her to stay but couldn't 'feel' anything, no with only 5 or 6 hours having passed. I told her, as hard as it was, that I forgive her. She said she couldn't understand how I could forgive her for something like this, how I could still love her. I told her I was more hurt than I've ever been but that people are imperfect and make mistakes. If we never gave people second chances then where would we be in this world. This was a big second chance. She said "Maybe you can forgive me but I don't think you can ever forget that image."

I didn't say anything to that because right now, I keep playing it over and over in my head and it's killing me inside. I'm a biased person, believing my wife over him. I have all the emails and transactions between them and nothing except for wanting to ask him questions because of his experiences and the fact that we were having trouble came up. The rest is his word vs her word, matching up in places and not in others. My wife wished that the conversation I had was with all 3 of us so that she could make sure that the truth came out, not just words to make it sound like it's all his fault or all hers. I told her that I don't care to have that conversation, you want to be with me then that guy is off limits. She agreed but still hopes that there will be a time when she can have that conversation to clear things up.

A few more hours went by with us just laying there. Then again she burst into tears (I think she was seeing clearly now what had just happened) and said she felt ashamed and embarrassed and asked how could you love me. I wasn't in the right place mentally to comfort her but something told me I should at least put my arms around her, hold her hand.

Later, about 7 in the evening, we sat at the table. Now, with both our heads clear, I asked her if she wanted to clear anything up or ask me anything because after that I didn't want anything to do with him or that situation. I wanted it to be our past. She made a few more of the statements she made earlier again.

That night, she had a hard time getting to sleep and so did I. When we woke up in the morning we talked a little about work and family. She had to get ready to go to work. I had canceled all my weekday work for the next month. Financially, not a big hit. I wanted to work on things at home AND find another apartment to move into. I told her the day before that I couldn't live in the apartment anymore. 

I don't know if this is enough information. I did ask "Was this the first time, or has this happened before." She promised it was the first time and last. Thing is, right now, I feel empty and emotionless. Part of me wanted her begging me to take her back, but that's not how I laid it out I guess. It's only been a day, but every email and phone call she got she would show me to prove he wasn't trying to get in touch with her. 

I'm sure the advice will be 'it takes time to heal' but if anyone has anything else they can throw in the pot as a way to help. I may have been selfish in saying that the first step was for her to shower...just the image of that guys body on her was throwing me off. But how do we move past this? I know it won't take a day or 2...but what do people do in the first days, weeks or months? Will this pain of seeing my wife in such an intimate position with another man ever ever go away? My wife had asked me "What does marriage mean to you?" and I answered "For me it's sharing. When ever something happens, good or bad, you want to share it with someone. Not just anyone, not the important stuff anyways. If something wonderful happens, it's only wonderful after I've been able to share it with you. It's not the same as sharing it with anyone else. Why? Because I love you and my love for you is not like the love I have for anyone else." Which is why her sharing that intimate moment with him was such a painful sight. So...what do I do now?


----------



## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

Get rid of her. Things will never be the same again.


----------



## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

They will never be the same. But you both can make your marriage better than ever. This was a wakw up call for both of you. There should be some good advice coming your way this morning from amny knowledgable people. The image will fade quickly. Now that your eyes are open to the potential of your relationship you can bond like never before. I would add more but I have an early morning T-time. I will check back with you later. A lot of people are here to support your marriage.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I would move out for a few days. You both need time to think. Especially her. Her betrayal must be followed by true contrition, no blame shifting. I would also restrict her from any bank accounts or CCs. She needs to see what being single and broke is like. Make her work to take you back.


----------



## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

synonimous_anonymous said:


> Married 4 years, were planning a family. We've had some rough patched here and there. We've lived together for 8 years. We don't have a lot of time to ourselves, we work hard. This is something we both need (In retrospective of what happened 'needed' might be a better word) to work on things to keep us close and intimate regardless of work etc. I live in one of the Asia's and she's Asian, I'm white. The language barrier is not a problem, her English is perfect and I speak the native language well enough to work entirely in that language. We speak English at home. I live in a building and in an area where there are many foreigners.
> 
> A few weeks back we had a big fight. I don't know that the details of the fight are important, but within each family I'm sure there are a set or rules you have that some might call 'common sense'. She misinformed me of her plans and never bothered to call. I'm at home with plans to have some alone time with her trying to set things up for some romance.
> 
> ...


I think you have taken her back so easily she doesn't believe she has to fight for your trust even after doing the worst thing to you . I think you need to show her what you are going through inside else she will take you for granted .


----------



## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

In simple answer - yes people get over it. Did I have to physically see my wife caught in the act? No. But I did have to deal with my wife having two separate long term affairs, one of whom at the time this all came out she told me she loved so much and more than she ever loved me. 

I have gotten over it, and so has she, and only four short months later we are doing beautifully actually. Still on the road of healing, but we are both very happy, and I am almost completely over it. 

It is possible, but it is not easy.


----------



## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

I may have been too easy in taking her back. I love her.

She spent the day crying and ashamed. I refrained from comforting her and pretty much told her "Yup, you messed up. It's what you do next that's important." There were moments when she tried to shift the topic to areas where I messed up in the past. I accepted blame for those mistakes but never gave her "OK" as far as those being good enough reasons to be put in that position.

It was my birthday today. She did what she could to make me feel good but knew that not much would change. I wanted to put what happened behind us as soon as possible, which was a mistake. I had more questions and with every answer came a new question. In the end, I think she was looking for something she wasn't getting in the relationship we had. In a moment of weakness she gave in to the situation. She still thinks that it would have not led to sex but that that was besides the issue. She makes no excuses and insists that she see a doctor to discuss her issues as she thinks she has some that need to be resolved before she can with 100 percent confidence move on. I'm all for it.

I hope the doctor reminds her that if what she has for me is the same love I have for her that she would start begging for more forgiveness. She still doesn't understand how I could say "I forgive you" so soon. I still can't grasp it myself, I guess I thought it would heal me as well. It hasn't yet, but I hope it does.

She asked permission, for the first time ever that I can think of, to spend about an hour after work tomorrow at a local temple with a co-worker whom we both know. She has no plans on discussing the situation, although I've given her the OK to go ahead if she thinks it will help her. She's too embarrassed and feels very much, in her own words, like a ****. I don't know if she understands the entire meaning of the word, but I wasn't about to say anything to make her feel any different. I think I'm in the anger portion of the ordeal. I really never expected this. I wonder if it would have been easier had I not walked in and heard about it later. I have moments where the image flashes in my mind and I think "Well, it could've been worse." and other moments where I feel like throwing up.

What makes all of this worse is the guy lives in the same building. Our apartment is great as far as price and location goes. I asked a real-estate friend for some help in find a new place far enough from here where we would still be good and comfortable but not so far that it would be a pain to go to work or get other things done. I was at one point looking at places in the country side, far from the city and dirt cheap. Thinking long term, I'm more comfortable living in the city still. 

I don't want to see any friends, even though nobody outside the 3 of us know of the situation. The 10 seconds I spent in the elevator with a friend going up to our apartments felt like a lifetime. Tomorrow I have a whole 1 hour of work and I'm dreading it. I know I won't have my heart in it and with the work I do I need to have my heart in it. Don't know how to break it to the people in charge that I'm going through some tough times.

I told my wife that this was a time to re-evaluate our lives and to possibly make it stronger, although different. She was negative in that she would say "I don't know how you can forgive me, I would never forgive me if I were in your shoes." 

I did think about spending time away from her but when I married her I took on other responsibilities that prevent me from being very far from home, otherwise I would.

The other guy...well, I've been thinking about what to say to him when I run into him. We have another mutual friend marrying Saturday and we'll both be there. My wife will not be attending for obvious reasons, although I gave her the OK so long as she was not anywhere near him. Not that I don't trust her, in fact at this point if something did happen I'm at a point where I'd walk out, but I know she might cause a fuss about 'What he said what she said" about the whole thing. On topic, I think the only thing I can do is forgive him for being an a$$ for trying to sleep with someone that was married or (if his side of things are true) to have been fooled into thinking he was doing something that was OK. I can't think of any other way to get by all this. I'm 280lbs, 6ft and a power-lifter with all the confidence it takes to handle the guy to hurt him in the worst physical way...and I can't bring myself to do it. I just hope that urge doesn't pop up at the wedding next weekend. I would NOT attend, but I have responsibilities there as well and canceling last minute would ruin certain things for the couple who are clueless about what's really happening.

Still, if anyone has more tips on getting by all this, I'm all ears.


----------



## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

synonimous_anonymous said:


> My wife will not be attending for obvious reasons, although I gave her the OK so long as she was not anywhere near him. Not that I don't trust her...



Why DO you trust her? IMO if you two are going to stay together, trust must be rebuilt and earned back. You're going to make yourself go crazy by automatically trusting her as if nothing happened because that trust has already been broken.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Quads123 (May 27, 2010)

Yeah wow is all I can say. Trust is gone IMO. She is going to have to do a whole hell of a lot to regain my trust. So sorry you are dealing with this. Best of luck to you and your wife.


----------



## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

I agree with BlueMoon. Trust is a long way away. I would suggest you do some reading. You need to understand the dymanics of post exposure behavior. How to recover form an affair materials would be helpful. Don't be penny wise and pound foolish. Get some marriage counselling form a pro-marriage counsellor. Don't wait. Strike while the iron is hot. I would suggest you read "His Needs, Her Needs" by Harley. This will help you see the "Men are from Mars" issue.
I don't think you were too easy taking her back. Give her the emotional support she craves. Touch her, hug her.


----------



## Quads123 (May 27, 2010)

iamnottheonlyone said:


> Give her the emotional support she craves. Touch her, hug her.


I would personally have a hard time with this after I walk in on her with another man... To each is own. I have to have trust and feel like I am in a life long partnership before intimacy returns.


----------



## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

iamnottheonlyone said:


> Give her the emotional support she craves. Touch her, hug her.


Yes, touch her with your fist and hug her until she turns blue! Kisses to everyone. Everybody now:

Kum bay ya, my Lord, kum bay ya;
Kum bay ya, my Lord, kum bay ya;
Kum bay ya, my Lord, kum bay ya,
O Lord, kum bay ya.


----------



## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

Is it normal to have zero appetite? Not want to go anywhere or do anything? Not want to see or even talk to friends and to avoid any conversation of any kind with anyone? I've been in my apartment for 4 days now. I've left just twice for a few minutes to pick up some home necessities.

She knows and I made it clear that the trust she and I had was no longer there. That that aspect of our life was something she needed to earn back if she felt it was worth it. She asked me if she could attend, asked if it was a good or bad idea and in her own words said "I shouldn't go. I certainly don't deserve to go." I guess I was just in a place where I decided to leave it up to her to see if she makes the right choice. Too soon? She's been asking permission for everything else. I know she knows what she did was wrong...but then again, I made the mistake in believing this would never happen too.

ETA: Besides counseling, what are some things I can do with my wife that will help us to get by this? What are things she can do? Things I can do? I hate sitting in a room and just not being able to talk or if we do it feels empty because we both know that at the front of our heads is that pain. When I go back to asking about that moment, I know that at this point even when I ask "Why?" she'd be guessing because I know all the details leading up to the moment but really can't help but wonder what would happen had I not walked in.


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Yes, your feelings and loss of appetite are very normal. You've taken a pretty devastating blow to your heart and everything you held dear and thought to be true. You are wonderful to forgive her and give your marriage another chance. But it will take a lot of work from both of you. Are you ready?

To help rekindle your love, rent this movie......Fireproof
The movie is accompanied by the book The Love Dare

To help rebuild after infidelity and a sundry of other helpful resources.......
MarriageBuilders.com
Be sure to print out two copies of their Emotional Needs Questionnaire. Each of you fill one out. Also, understand the Love Bank concept.

You both should learn each other's Love Languages


----------



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Sorry this happened to you, you seem like such a decent and caring guy. But bad things happen to good people and good people sometimes do bad things. The image you must carry in your mind, I can only imagine. I've always felt that if I walked in on them, I wouldn't be reconciling. Though I have problems letting go...some of you may have gathered from my posts (that's a good thing too or in our case we would be divorced, but bad cause its hard to let the situation go). 

You are in the shock stage, it is easy to feel like you forgive her at this moment but you haven't really gotten there yet. That will take time but you're in stepping in the right direction. So be prepared if suddenly you feel angry and want to leave. Its a rollercoaster so buckle up! Just know that when you feel down, your going to feel better too. In some ways it was easier for me right after, I blamed the OW entirely (good for you for not hitting the guy..I'm a very small person,quite a bit smaller than the OW, and normally a very gentle person, but if I'd have walked in on them I know I would have hit her)..

As far as what you can do, you need to establish some ground rules. If she wants to make it work she will accept them. Those ground rules need to be:
1. Absolute truth, no lies no matter how small. 
2. Total transparency until trust is rebuilt, she should have no problem with you checking her cell phone, computer, etc. 
3. Answer your questions completely and honestly (don't ever ask what you don't want the answer too though, and don't get mad at her for her answer or she won't be honest)..though you may have already taken care of #3
4. Fully recommit to the marriage, if there exist any more doubts about the marriage then discuss them now. If there are, that can't be resolved, you need to move on. 
5. This is a one time pass, next time it is over. No discussion. That includes emotional affairs, not just physical. 

It will help to develop some new interests and activities together. Make some new memories, and rebuild so you are not always concentrating on fixing the marriage but also enjoying. I took up running (was always athletic as a kid/teen) and that was my saving grace. I work a lot of things out that way, on my runs not to mention getting in shape. Then I decided to run races, and he ended up joining me. This year we've run over a dozen races including a 1/2 marathon. 

Since you like to work out, go work out. When your mind goes to thinking about it, replace those thoughts with something positive. This is hard work by the way, you will have to work harder than just letting your mind go where it wants to but pretty soon it wil become a habit. 

Right now its tough though, these memories are so fresh. Get some perspective, take some time off. Stay with that friend for awhile. Come home when you are ready. I wish I had somewhere to go when all this started, I would have done it. 

Getting a good marriage counselor and stick with it. 

These things helped me, so I hope that they help you too. I hope it all works out for you.


----------



## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

Thanks for the advice.

The day after all of it happened I thought, as silly as it may sound, that I could just put it behind me and move forward. Trying to bury it rather than confront it in a way.

Today was my first day back working. What a hard thing to do. Trying to smile and pretend all is well. Nobody knows and I'm not keen on sharing. I know my wife made a mistake and I'm not going to go out of my way to make others feel like she's a bad person (Although she was in that case). I don't know that she quite understands what an emotional affair is, which is what we got into the other day. She's taking some time for herself, something I've asked her to do on her own or with a friend, to think about what's happened. I told her she could talk to a friend, in detail about everything. That way she can get some perspective on the whole situation.

I think that in part she still feels that 'it wouldn't have led to sex' and therefore that's suppose to make me feel somewhat better. It doesn't. She has used those words exactly but I asked her to put herself in my shoes. That's part of what she's going to do today "Imagine walking in on THAT and then saying 'oh but it wasn't going to go any further.'" She has taken the blame.

Another part that has me upset as I think more about it is how she could've really thought how she's says she did when it came to that moment. She was looking to him for 'advice' based on his 'experiences'. If that were true, at what point did it not kick in (And she's not a stupid person) that when he decided to take off her clothes that he was more interested in that than in giving her advice. Again, she admits to having no excuse for allowing it to go as far as it did...but I wish I could get inside her head when she was in that moment.

One thing, before heading down to that apartment, I had called her. Her phone was on and was ringing. She must have heard it when all this was happening which I wonder if she ever though 'Hold on a sec, only my husband would be calling at this hour. WTF am I doing?'...but that never happened. I want to ask her about it...and I wonder if I can...

I almost want to hear it all over again from beginning end...like watching a horror movie again knowing you're going to be sick to your stomach. And then asking more question about how she felt physically and emotionally.

She has been open about questions I've asked where I most certainly didn't like the answer to. And when she realizes that those are problems (Or when I bring it up as a problem) we both understand it's something that needs to be worked on.

If there are any females reading this, I have to ask, does a woman's cycle ever play a role in this. This month has been stressful and her emotions were running high the last week or so and while this is certainly no excuse, I would factor that in along with alcohol as contributing factors in the moment of weakness.


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Please stop tearing yourself apart and click on the links I provided. They are meant to help you get through any events of infidelity and to help you rebuild your marriage to make it even stronger than before the event. All your questions are normal. All your feelings are normal. All your thinking and over thinking the details is normal. But what you have to accept is that it happened in order to be able to move past it emotionally, figuratively, and literally. Your wife wants to spare your feelings if at all possible. There are some things she has to admit because, after all, you saw it. But there are some she does not want to face, does not want to explain, and does not want to hurt you anymore about. So it might be best for you to either assume the worst had already happened or that it was going to happen. Yes, she had been drinking, but you can't know, and I really don't know if she knows, what other factors may have motivated what happened. To me, what might have happened is no less hurtful than what did happen, so I think I would prefer to not torture myself if I knew there existed ways to help me get through it all.....no matter what happened. I'm only suggesting that you begin the healing process and repairing process, rather than prolonging the torture being that you decided to forgive your wife and give her and your marriage another chance. In doing so, you increase the likelihood of success. Like I said, everything you are going through is very, very normal, but please try to force yourself to become more devoted to healing and repairing than hurting and over thinking. I also think that once you do that, you will likely find a lot answers to your questions. I really wish you well.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

If a woman is ovulating, then she will be more interested in sex. And it sounds like that is what she was interested in by wanting to "talk" to an experienced man. Maybe, in the days leading up to the event, she was trying to fool herself that she wasn't really interested in sex with an experienced man, but maybe that's just her story now.

You shouldn't waste any time wondering if she would have had sex if you hadn't walked in. Of course she would have. No two adults in history have ever disrobed, hopped into bed, climbed on top of each other, and then NOT had sex.

You should go to a counselor.


----------



## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> Please stop tearing yourself apart and click on the links I provided. They are meant to help you get through any events of infidelity and to help you rebuild your marriage to make it even stronger than before the event. All your questions are normal. All your feelings are normal. All your thinking and over thinking the details is normal. But what you have to accept is that it happened in order to be able to move past it emotionally, figuratively, and literally. Your wife wants to spare your feelings if at all possible. There are some things she has to admit because, after all, you saw it. But there are some she does not want to face, does not want to explain, and does not want to hurt you anymore about. So it might be best for you to either assume the worst had already happened or that it was going to happen. Yes, she had been drinking, but you can't know, and I really don't know if she knows, what other factors may have motivated what happened. To me, what might have happened is no less hurtful than what did happen, so I think I would prefer to not torture myself if I knew there existed ways to help me get through it all.....no matter what happened. I'm only suggesting that you begin the healing process and repairing process, rather than prolonging the torture being that you decided to forgive your wife and give her and your marriage another chance. In doing so, you increase the likelihood of success. Like I said, everything you are going through is very, very normal, but please try to force yourself to become more devoted to healing and repairing than hurting and over thinking. I also think that once you do that, you will likely find a lot answers to your questions. I really wish you well.


Thank you.

I know of the book and the movie. Unfortunately, my wife not being raised Christian, may not want to follow along with this book. I have ordered the book and it should arrive in a day. However, I can't help but feel that whatever the 40 dares may be, she will not respond to them as a 'Christian' might respond to them. She might see it as me 'trying too hard'. Today, I'm going to ask if I'm trying too hard in her eyes and make it clear that even just 4 days after all of this that I've seen little on her part, in my eyes, as asking for forgiveness. Had I had a moment of weakness I would be on the phone, calling her to make sure she's OK, taking time off work (Something I'm doing right now and home alone is killing me), thinking of ways to show her that what I did was a mistake and that my heart belonged to her. She has apologized...but in a conversation we had the other night I asked her what she thought would be one of the first steps in resolving her 'issues' and the first thing that popped into her head was "I have to apologize to the roommate (Of the guy I found her with) because he was brought into this unfairly" I was stunned...thinking of that before us. I guess, what I am wanting is for her to be BEGGING me. She saw I was obviously not in the mood for anything last night but she did little to comfort me. She sat in the room with me. I told her if she had a busy day the next day that she should get ready for bed. She said "I think you've spent a lot of time by yourself today, I can be here." Thing is, she was there physically but I felt like she wasn't there at all.

At one point we started talking about sex. She said "I have no desire sex. I can HAVE sex but it's like a chore...kind of." This again was another blow. I asked her if it was me, the way I looked, the way I smelled the way I acted. She said it was that way for her regardless of the situation. She admitted that there were some issues that she had to resolve with a doctor to get beyond this.

In my search for 'sexless marriages' I stumbled upon some issues. We are both over worked, we take care of her mother who lives with us and is old and barely able to do things on her own. However, her mother is either at a daycare facility every other day, or enjoying T.V when at home in her room. Her breakfast, lunch and dinner are all taken care of by me. I make sure that all the chores are done so that she doesn't need to worry. I think work stress plays a part on her cycle and I've often suggested that she quit her job and stay at home to do something she wants, like study...something she's talked about doing before. This way she can take care of what she needs to and enjoy taking care of things she wants to...and with that being done and the stress levels going down, maybe she'll have the desire to be with me, in an intimate way.

Are there medications that help a woman feel more 'I want to be with my man' like a viagra for women? I understand they female cycle and near ovulation that it's when a woman is most interested in sex (Perhaps not all the time, correct me if I'm wrong) She was on her period when this happened so she was feeling quite gross. I know because the next day, in my own attempt to 'reclaim her' although I put it differently, we did have sex. Afterward, when washing up, blood came pouring out. Sorry if that grosses anyone out. When we had sex that time it was also as if she needed to show me I was hers, although she never said the words either.

Sorry for jumping around, but another topic that hit me the other night was that she was trying to gauge what I was expecting from her considering what happened. She spent some time alone at a temple and in all honesty I thought she might come home, throw her arms around me having fully realized what she had done, begged me again for forgiveness and perhaps make some gesture of 'I love you' towards me, physically or emotionally. Unfortunately, none of that happened, as far as I could see or feel. She said "I'm sorry I disappointed you again." I told her "It's something you've gotta feel for yourself, to see if it's worth it or not." She said I was worth the fight...but as my rambling post has hinted at, I don't see her fighting. I feel like I'm in stormy waters waiting for her to throw me a lifeline only to see her standing on the dock with her arms crossed thinking about what her options are. She says she's trying, even if I may not be seeing it...but isn't the whole point to be able to see it and feel it?

What questions should I ask? What other measures can I take to help save this marriage. I appreciate the link as far as the book is concerned and the movie...as she is a non-Christian, I don't think she would read it. I will do my best to take on the challenges and dares but at the same time, between all that, I still have this feeling of I'm waiting...and it's killing me. All I can do now is drink...From 8am to 430pm I did what I could to find out more about how to fix things. I decided to go find a specialist, to find a counselor. In this part of Asia, it's very uncommon to find these types of specialists and those few that are around are expensive and while I think it's worth every penny, I think she will feel "We can do this on our own."

Still looking for help...still feeling alone, just started drinking some wine to dull the pain.


----------



## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

Was in her part of town as far as work goes. Sent her a message that I would be in town to pick something up (I was picking up a camera that I was borrowing from a friend) and decided that since I was picking it up in the general area where she worked I would meet her and maybe we could change the scenery as far as our talks were concerned. I got an email just as she was finishing that she would be heading back into the house neighborhood and that she had to pick up tickets for a movie and do some other stuff and that she would call me. Disappointed is probably an understatement as far as that goes. I called her. She didn't answer. She called me back but by this time I was on the subway going through tunnels. I told her I had hope to do 'this' and she said 'Well, I'm here now so...' and I asked 'Should I go there?' as the phone faded I got the feeling of 'Come here, wait for me at home, doesn't matter.' I came home and she called again. She said she didn't realize I was waiting in her neck of the woods and feels bad for having slipped by me. I was very nonchalant about the whole thing. She sounded 'down' about the situation. She asked me if she could pick anything up for me and went on about how she was asked by coworkers to pick up movie tickets etc...my reaction in my head was "Really...you ****ed up the way you did and you are out getting movie tickets." Now I'm half way down a bottle of wine, having eaten nothing in days, feeling like the pain has numbed. I'm writing this as I come home...not sure what to expect...what to ask...what to do....


----------



## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

synonimous_anonymous said:


> Was in her part of town as far as work goes. Sent her a message that I would be in town to pick something up (I was picking up a camera that I was borrowing from a friend) and decided that since I was picking it up in the general area where she worked I would meet her and maybe we could change the scenery as far as our talks were concerned. I got an email just as she was finishing that she would be heading back into the house neighborhood and that she had to pick up tickets for a movie and do some other stuff and that she would call me. Disappointed is probably an understatement as far as that goes. I called her. She didn't answer. She called me back but by this time I was on the subway going through tunnels. I told her I had hope to do 'this' and she said 'Well, I'm here now so...' and I asked 'Should I go there?' as the phone faded I got the feeling of 'Come here, wait for me at home, doesn't matter.' I came home and she called again. She said she didn't realize I was waiting in her neck of the woods and feels bad for having slipped by me. I was very nonchalant about the whole thing. She sounded 'down' about the situation. She asked me if she could pick anything up for me and went on about how she was asked by coworkers to pick up movie tickets etc...my reaction in my head was "Really...you ****ed up the way you did and you are out getting movie tickets." Now I'm half way down a bottle of wine, having eaten nothing in days, feeling like the pain has numbed. I'm writing this as I come home...not sure what to expect...what to ask...what to do....


My friend as I said before I think you haven't shown her how much pain you are in . You need to distance yourself for sometime rather than trying to be with her all the time . You are trying too hard making upto her , for what ? Dont stop supporting her financially or any other way but maintain some distance for sometime .
Dont keep bringing it up that incident it will only affect negatively . She is not begging for forgiveness because you are too busy trying to work it out with her . Your silence & distance from her will be more effective . 

best of luck


----------



## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

synonimous_anonymous said:


> Was in her part of town as far as work goes. Sent her a message that I would be in town to pick something up (I was picking up a camera that I was borrowing from a friend) and decided that since I was picking it up in the general area where she worked I would meet her and maybe we could change the scenery as far as our talks were concerned. I got an email just as she was finishing that she would be heading back into the house neighborhood and that she had to pick up tickets for a movie and do some other stuff and that she would call me. Disappointed is probably an understatement as far as that goes. I called her. She didn't answer. She called me back but by this time I was on the subway going through tunnels. I told her I had hope to do 'this' and she said 'Well, I'm here now so...' and I asked 'Should I go there?' as the phone faded I got the feeling of 'Come here, wait for me at home, doesn't matter.' I came home and she called again. She said she didn't realize I was waiting in her neck of the woods and feels bad for having slipped by me. I was very nonchalant about the whole thing. She sounded 'down' about the situation. She asked me if she could pick anything up for me and went on about how she was asked by coworkers to pick up movie tickets etc...my reaction in my head was "Really...you ****ed up the way you did and you are out getting movie tickets." Now I'm half way down a bottle of wine, having eaten nothing in days, feeling like the pain has numbed. I'm writing this as I come home...not sure what to expect...what to ask...what to do....


do nothing , maintain distance , dont worry about picking her up , spending time , calling & asking what is she is doing .
Give her some chance to worry where you are or what you are doing ?


----------



## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

So here I am, day 5 or 6...the days blend in. I got up at 7am and noticed she wasn't out of bed. I thought she had work but apparently not. She quickly mentioned she had to meet her co-workers today. I said nothing.

I decided to go ahead and stay quiet but all the festering was still happening inside. Last night, I gave her information on a counselor that deals with these issues. We both got a bit drunk and then it was all out fighting. I feel as though she's making it out to be my fault for not giving her the space she needed when she needed it...but then she back tracks and says "No, I know it's all my fault." In the beginning I gave her a choice to stay together and end it. I told her if she wanted time she was now out of time. On that day and the following, she said she wanted to work on things. However, it's been battle to see any effort she's putting into this. 

I'm at a point where I just want to know if I'm fighting with her in saving our marriage or if she's already made up her mind and wanting to leave but just doesn't want to tell me yet, not until she gets things squared away....that's how I feel. I told her I wanted to ask a question "Am I too late in saving us?" She said "No. But maybe I am." She says that because she thinks I'd be better off with a better girl. I'm sure from an unbiased perspective this may seem right, but to me it doesn't feel right.

Last night she also tried to attack me for telling the other guy 'No contact. Let me know how much the window is, don't tell her.' She said 'You broke the window because of me and so it's my problem and I have to deal with it and fix it. I also have to confront him about the discrepancies between his version of what happened and mine.' Like for someone reason this guy is more important. She said 'No, it's just part of who I am and right now I feel like I'm broken and part of the healing means me confronting him and the apologizing to his roommate because he was never supposed to be involved.'

Our marriage was rocky before this happened. When I noticed, I jumped into action. I did things to try and show she was worth the fight.Then this happened. And I'm expecting her to jump into action, but she has done little to show that she has, yet she says that she is constantly thinking about us and crying on her lunch breaks etc. It's been less than a week but it feels like it's been forever. I still have gory questions I want to know the answers to...but now I guess I've put myself in a place where I can't...


----------



## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

I went to talk to my pastor today.

He was up front and honest. He believed what we have is worth saving. I told him I felt like she wasn't being remorseful enough about her actions. He replied that when there are issues, he handles them the same why I do...the 'Western Way' whereas, his wife being Asian handles things the same way my wife is handling things.

I want to go to counseling but to my wife this is not an option. In this part of the world, that field of help is not popular and help is hard to find. Because she lacks the religious faith I have (Or had until this demon of a situation entered my life) she has already showed that she's not interested in that route either.

One thing, I have to write to get it off my chest, before she left today to see her co-workers she uttered the words "Please don't think too much." The same words she used in the weeks leading up to the incident. She said "I love you." This distance we feel between us will close." "I just need time."

I write now more to get things off my chest. I don't have anyone I can really talk to without making my wife out to sound like a [email protected]$ch so I come here. Sorry if this post goes on and on and on. Hopefully it will end with "Everything turned out for the best." And people can use it as a means to help there relationship.

One thing that I've been thinking about recently is this...and this may be my imagination running the worst case scenarios. Maybe...she thinks "OK, if I leave him or divorce him I won't have the financial support necessary to keep me and my elderly mother in any good condition. I can live fine off my salary but without HIS (That being mine) I couldn't handle the costs of caring for my mother as well. And, I know he takes care of her (Breakfast lunch and dinner grocery shopping and making sure she eats and helping her get ready for daycare and rehab) so taking care of that on my own would add more stress to my life. THEN, I'm 40 and I do want children. I could probably get into the game and find a man, more handsome and with a larger bank account, but why would he want me with all this baggage? So maybe HE is simply the 'safe' bet." That's what my mind is telling me...as a possible reason for her staying. I think 10 years ago, without an aging mother to take care of she may have simply left. Is this normal to think?

2 weeks ago I asked her if the 'time' she needed would be best done with me out of the apartment. As in I would stay with a friend for a couple weeks or a month and just come home to take care of her mother while she was at work. Financially, not a problem. At the time she said "No. I don't deserve that kind of free time. (She's talking about herself...negatively...again)" Today I brought it up and she said "Well, if you think YOU need to go then you should go." I was going to go if SHE felt the need for space...

Is this a woman thing...something I simply do not understand because I am a man? Does she not understand me because I am a man? Is crying in front of her showing her that I am weak or that I am open? There have been moments where I've wanted to cry but felt as though she would say "Don't cry (In a caring voice)" But actually be rolling her eyes at me thinking 'What a child.'...


----------



## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

synonimous_anonymous said:


> I went to talk to my pastor today.
> 
> He was up front and honest. He believed what we have is worth saving. I told him I felt like she wasn't being remorseful enough about her actions. He replied that when there are issues, he handles them the same why I do...the 'Western Way' whereas, his wife being Asian handles things the same way my wife is handling things.
> 
> ...


my friend you have to stop over analaysing . sorry if it sounds harsh but I notice this habit can be something really annoying to people close to you . If you keep discussing & analysing the past with your wife it shows you dont want to move on .

If you have doubts about your wife's feelings , be honest and ask her clearly if she truly wants to be with you ? 
That will make every things clear to you .

Best of luck


----------



## wifeinlove (Apr 29, 2010)

synonimous_anonymous said:


> If there are any females reading this, I have to ask, does a woman's cycle ever play a role in this. This month has been stressful and her emotions were running high the last week or so and while this is certainly no excuse, I would factor that in along with alcohol as contributing factors in the moment of weakness.


i am a woman and I have to say although hormones may be a factor that augment/escalate the situation- they are never the cause. Generally women are most easily aroused and tempted by sex 7-14 days after the first day of their last menstral cycle (ovulation period)

Its interesting that you say she said she was pms'n because that usually occurs just before your period (1-3days) which is the time you are usually least likely to be aroused (no ovulation). Alot of girls I know (myself included) get a little teary/emotional before their period. I wouldnt think that would be something that would provoke a sexual affair...

I have heard of some stories, though, where woman have sex with someone when they are feeling depressed as an attempt to achieve a quick high.


----------

