# Was it all a lie? What do I do? I'm so confused!



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I had a really bad night at home last night and I have to share it with someone and get it out and figure out what I'm going to do now.

Things started out fine at home, we were watching TV when I got on TAM to answer a couple of e-mails. My husband admitted he had been drinking and was drunk and he stated I was bothering him with the sound of the keys on the keyboard as I was typing. I type fast and hit the keys rather hard and I guess he couldn't concentrate. I thought he was just being mean when he said "you're bothering the f*** out of me," so I told him I was almost finished and would stop. Apparently I didn't pay enough attention as to how aggravated he was (remember, he has a brain injury and PTSD), and he then got louder, told me to get off the computer and get the f*** out of his room (man cave).

I told him he didn't need to get mean and loud and start cussing at me to which he replied, I wouldn't have too if you weren't so stupid and would have gotten off the computer when I asked the first time, you know how noise bothers me at times and apparently you don't care.

Well, as you can guess, we kind of got into a sort of tiff (not really bad), no big yelling or cussing, but I asked him why he acted like he did and why he acted like he hated me.

Well, I guess it's true if you ask a question you better be prepared for the answer and I wasn't prepared and pretty much got the shock of my life and it has left me today wondering if everything was a lie and if I've been asleep in this marriage or what.

He said that when he needed me, I wasn't there and he can't forgive me for that. He said when he had his brain injury in 2008, that I shut down and didn't take care of him for a year until I finally got a clue that he needed me and then I stepped up. He then went on further to say that I hadn't been there for 20+ years and that one year of being there (this year) didn't erase the past and it was going to take a long time.

I admit to myself that part of what he says is true. Not being there for 20+ years I don't get, but I did shut down right after his brain injury as I was scared and didn't know what to do and what I had to deal with. My counselor says I reacted as though he had died and went through all the stages of grief. Once I got through them, I got my crap together, did research, figured out how to help him, etc. Now during that time I was shut down I did take care of his meds, his dr appts, made sure he ate, etc., but he says I wasn't there physically and emotionally - he's probably right when I look back on it.

I've apologized over and over, made no excuses and have done my best to turn things around, but he says he can't get past it and the its the reason why he always says "its too late."

So I went on further and asked him why he was with me if that's how he felt. He replied "I don't have anywhere to go and don't have a way to get there." I then said but you have said you love me, don't want me to leave, need me, etc., how can that be if you're only here because you don't have anywhere to go? He then replied that he doesn't remember ever saying that (he does have memory problems), I told him just because you don't remember doesn't mean you didn't say it. I then asked him why he would tell me that if he didn't mean it - was it all to lead me on, was it a lie? At that point he was extremely aggravated (mad) and said, sure, if that's what you want to think, then sure, it was all a lie - just leave me alone.

So I did. I got drunk and cried most of the night. I feel like crap today at work and I'm sure they won't get much out of me. He came to bed shortly after I did - was talking to me (at least he hadn't completely shut me out) and he did speak to me this morning before I left.

Now what? I'm not sure he loves me anymore. I don't know if he said what he said because he was drunk and mad, about it being a lie. I know he was serious about me not being there, and he never says anything he doesn't mean, so did he mean he loved me before, did he mean it was all a lie last night, what, what?

Now I don't know WTF is going on. He mentioned last night that if I didn't like things that there were several doors to leave the house and suitcases to pack my things. He then said no, I'll take all the blame and I'll pack my things and leave, but he didn't.

So I don't know if he's going to leave. I don't know if he's going to stay and only staying because as he said he has nowhere else to go. I don't know if he loves me anymore, was it all a lie? Did he just strike out at me in that manner because he is holding a great amount of resentment from the period he feels I abandoned him?

I just don't know and I don't know if we're going to make it. I don't know what to do anymore, I'm just so miserable and unhappy, but I can't and won't leave - I love him, I really do - I was under the impression that he loved me too - he told me so - but now he says he doesn't remember, even though he didn't say he didn't love me last night.

What a f****** mess. I feel like a piece of s***.

Can anyone help with some sound advice or input? Please...


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I'm so sorry you are feeling so badly. Please don't try to make sense of what he says--sounds to me like that is a HUGE mistake, given his TBI. 

I think to survive this you will have to learn to ignore his anger and frustration, b/c it really is not YOU he's upset with--it is the situation. Although I don't recommend this at all under normal circumstances, I'd suggest at least trying to respond to his emotions more as though he was a child--his emotions are valid but often have nothing to do with the immediate "issue." Rather than engage with him and escalating conflict, try to defuse. I'm assuming that his brain injury means he may have very little control over some things so you have to provide that emotional "control" by remaining calm and non-confrontational. So, in a situation like the one that happened, where he escalated and cursed, etc., let it go for the moment--he's in no position to have a rational conversation about it, nor are you. Just say, "I can see you are really upset; I'm sorry," disengage (i.e., remove yourself so you can both calm down), and let it go. If you turn this into a matter of respect, etc., which it WOULD BE under normal circumstances, it will be a no-win situation. If he literally cannot learn certain things, or is going to need a long, long time to re-learn certain things (like treating you with more respect), fighting about it and getting upset yourself is a huge waste of emotion.

SO, take a deep breath and accept that you are probably torturing yourself about something he may not even clearly remember in a very short time. Work with the therapists involved to help the two of you move forward. Good luck and God bless.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Also, to make this work, you are really going to have to view him and the situation totally differently--you'll need to undergo a paradigm shift. You won't be able to disengage if you keep thinking of him as a fully adult, rational person--his brain injury has changed that. The goal is to find a way to remain a loving wife AND loving caregiver--not easy, I'm sure!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Thanks for the advice. I did send him an e-mail this morning and just apologized that he felt I abandoned him and that I hope, in time, he could forgive me. Short and simple, to the point. 

I always take every problem onto my shoulders and think of how I could have prevented it, how can I fix it, etc. I know that this is unhealthy and that it drives me crazy sometimes, but I can't help it. My personality is such that I need everyone to be happy around me...I think I'm just f***** up.

Thanks again.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> Also, to make this work, you are really going to have to view him and the situation totally differently--you'll need to undergo a paradigm shift. You won't be able to disengage if you keep thinking of him as a fully adult, rational person--his brain injury has changed that. The goal is to find a way to remain a loving wife AND loving caregiver--not easy, I'm sure!


My counselor has said this also. But it's hard for me, because if I don't accept him as a fully adult, rational person or hope that he will become one, then I lose all hope. And losing all hope for me will mean I have nothing to cling to and I can't handle that and I know it. So I cling to a little hope that he will, one day, be who he was.

But you're right, I need to FULLY ACCEPT that he is not a fully adult, rational person - I've accepted that he's changed (for now), but I have not totally accepted that he will never be who he was - its like if I do - I've lost all hope.


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## Mrs.LonelyGal (Nov 8, 2010)

Ok, after reading this one thing popped out at me.

He was drunk. 
I know that is not much of a consolation or excuse, but I know that sometimes alcohol can play a factor into our emotions and make us say/do things we don't really intend to as a result of heightened emotions.
I know he has problems with memory due to his brain injury and PTSD. Has he been going through cognitive therapy for any of this?

I know you are trying your best, and I know you love him dearly. You have stuck with him during the "or worse" part of "for better or worse". You are human, and you make mistakes. Shutting down after the injury was a normal reaction- like your counselor said- the stages of grief. You were preparing yourself for it to all be over, but you got lucky and you still have him.

Now, whether or not he meant what he said has yet to be determined. Perhaps he will remember what he said to you last night and realize that it was hurtful and that he didn't mean to cut to the quick and apologize to you. Maybe he won't remember saying it?

I would give him some space. Don't follow him around like a wounded puppy. Stay out of the man cave and do something in another part of the house. Wait for him to ask you what is wrong or invite you back down to the man cave, and then address it. Tell him you wanted to give him his space and didn't want to "annoy him". 

Then tell him that you love him deeply and you want to continue to build a life together, but what he said was very hurtful and made you question the foundation that your marriage stands on.

Make him own his words, make him explain them or apologize for them so you can start fresh. If he won't then just continue to give him space until he will. 

Don't let the drunken argument ruin your holiday. Try to go about things - business as usual. If he needs tending to- do it, but don't make a fuss. Keep a little distance.

Don't leave, and don't let him leave w/o a sober and thought out explanation.

Honestly, I don't think that he will leave or that he meant most of the things he said. He was drinking, and probably has some difficulties expressing himself due to the PTSD and brain injury.
I am sure that he knows how hard you have been trying and he appreciates you for sticking with him. 

Though there might be some small nuggets of truth interspersed w/ the drunken meanness. The fact that you admittedly didn't know how to deal with your situation for a year might have hurt him and caused some resentment, you are past that now, and you are sorry for what he perceives to be neglect. This is something that he will just have to get past on his own, you can give positive reinforcement by continuing to love him and care for him. What is done is done and you you are here for him now. What sisters said up there about him being mad at the situation is more than likely the root of his anger. hell, I would be angry too if my whole life got turned upside down like his has due to the injury.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Oh I forgot - I also made the mistake of telling him that I had been advised to leave him by others and have decided to stay.

I know...HUGE mistake, but once it was out I couldn't take it back.

I tried to difuse it by saying that it didn't matter what other people said, that I had made my own decision and I was in it for the long haul.

That probably didn't help, but...we live and learn I guess.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Mrs.LonelyGal said:


> Ok, after reading this one thing popped out at me.
> 
> He was drunk.
> I know that is not much of a consolation or excuse, but I know that sometimes alcohol can play a factor into our emotions and make us say/do things we don't really intend to as a result of heightened emotions.
> ...


Thanks - its extremely hard for me to just step back, but I will try. Depends on if he's home when I get home. He "ran away" (how he refers to it) once already earlier this year and worried me to death.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

MWIL...I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I agree with sisters...you're going to have to handle him way differently now. And you're unfortunately going to have to suck a lot of stuff up. All hope is not lost, though. As far as TBIs go, he's still on the path to recovery. There is a chance that with enough time, patience and therapy, you'll start to see glimpses of the man you love. Hang in there!

I want to give you kudos. You're being a great wife to him. Lord knows how hard this must be for you. When you get down like this, please try to do a little somethin'-somethin' for yourself. And please try to not take his verbal onslaughts personally, though I know it's hard to not do. It really isn't about you. It's just NOT. I'm just gonna send you a *hug*....


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You do not have to assume anything about the future--you just have to respond to the way he is NOW. Who is to say that he won't get better? I'm not saying that at all--the future will come, one way or another. But you have to deal with NOW. 

And both of you need to stop drinking, b/c the last thing either of you needs is an additional stressor. Between his TBI and your challenges, the alcohol is a recipe for disaster. This isn't about being alcoholics--there is just NO ROOM in either life for alcohol when you've got the issues you both have. I would have thought the therapists would have been clear about that--it is going to make everything much, much worse. Drinking as you did is probably at 50% of the reason you feel and felt sooooo bad (it's a depressant, after all). 

Make a marital pact to remove alcohol from your lives at least for a given periods--a year or two. Honestly, without it you'll realize how much it adds to problems and you won't go back. It has to be a long term, however, b/c for a few months it may seem to be worse (without the alcohol) before you begin to realize it's actually better--that's b/c you'll be wanting the alcohol to numb the pain. Once you learn to cope with the pain, without alcohol, you will realize "wow, this isn't so bad and the drinking really was making everything worse!" Trust me on this one. The feelings you are drinking to avoid aren't that bad; they won't kill ya! The feeling of being depressed/hung over, with the SAME situation and SAME emotions that you get right now after using alcohol, are MUCH worse than any emotional fall out from the realities of your life.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

major misfit said:


> MWIL...I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I agree with sisters...you're going to have to handle him way differently now. And you're unfortunately going to have to suck a lot of stuff up. All hope is not lost, though. As far as TBIs go, he's still on the path to recovery. There is a chance that with enough time, patience and therapy, you'll start to see glimpses of the man you love. Hang in there!
> 
> I want to give you kudos. You're being a great wife to him. Lord knows how hard this must be for you. When you get down like this, please try to do a little somethin'-somethin' for yourself. And please try to not take his verbal onslaughts personally, though I know it's hard to not do. It really isn't about you. It's just NOT. I'm just gonna send you a *hug*....



Thanks for the hug!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> You do not have to assume anything about the future--you just have to respond to the way he is NOW. Who is to say that he won't get better? I'm not saying that at all--the future will come, one way or another. But you have to deal with NOW.
> 
> And both of you need to stop drinking, b/c the last thing either of you needs is an additional stressor. Between his TBI and your challenges, the alcohol is a recipe for disaster. This isn't about being alcoholics--there is just NO ROOM in either life for alcohol when you've got the issues you both have. I would have thought the therapists would have been clear about that--it is going to make everything much, much worse. Drinking as you did is probably at 50% of the reason you feel and felt sooooo bad (it's a depressant, after all).
> 
> Make a marital pact to remove alcohol from your lives at least for a given periods--a year or two. Honestly, without it you'll realize how much it adds to problems and you won't go back. It has to be a long term, however, b/c for a few months it may seem to be worse (without the alcohol) before you begin to realize it's actually better--that's b/c you'll be wanting the alcohol to numb the pain. Once you learn to cope with the pain, without alcohol, you will realize "wow, this isn't so bad and the drinking really was making everything worse!" Trust me on this one. The feelings you are drinking to avoid aren't that bad; they won't kill ya! The feeling of being depressed/hung over, with the SAME situation and SAME emotions that you get right now after using alcohol, are MUCH worse than any emotional fall out from the realities of your life.


I agree. I very rarely drink. But he drinks all the time - counselor knows it, its already been discussed. But it has escalated since his injury. I think LG hit it on the head, no matter how confident he projects, he's not - I think he's depressed because of what has happened to him (he is on meds), he feels useless, I already know he feels like a failure in the bedroom, he's said so, etc., etc. He probably doesn't like himself right now and I don't know how to help him with this. I try to build him up and then get stupid and bring him down like I did last night - he's tired of it and frankly I am too.


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## Mrs.LonelyGal (Nov 8, 2010)

I agree with all the positive reassurance that sisters and major misfit have added. 
He is definitely not "Himself" anymore and you have to try and deal with him differently.

My father and mother are in a similar situation as you and your husband.

Dad was diagnosed w/ stage 4 lymphoma 4 years ago. The doctors thought he was going to die and after several rounds of chemo and radiation, the cancer was gone but it completely debilitated him. He ended up having a stem cell transplant last fall- which was successful, but he will never be the same again. He will never be able to work again- and so much of his identity was tied up in his job and being the boss at work and at home.

Not only does he not look like himself anymore ( lost all of his teeth and about 120 pounds) he is so confused all the time. The meds have taken a toll on his brain. He will argue like he used to- convinced that he is right, when he makes no sense at all. 
He is constantly trying to exert his dominance over my Mom- who is tending to his every need, paying all the bills, taking him to appointments, changing his clothes, ect. She can't work anymore because she has to be there for him to help him to the restroom and downstairs to eat, monitor the myriad of medications and their respective schedules.
Yet, he complains that she doesn't take care of him because she wanted to go see a movie w/ a friend ( her first girls afternoon in 4 years). Or b!tches about the cooking or the way she handles the finances. If she takes too long at the pharmacy or the grocery store and all of a sudden ( in his mind) she doesn't love him anymore, and probably never did.

Ya see, he doesn't want to ( or maybe can't) come to terms with the fact that he has changed, and the game has changed. He resents his illness. He resents the fact that other people are leading normal lives. He has never said this....but it is pretty obvious. He is not mad at my Mom but she is getting the brunt of his frustrations. 
If he still drank it would only be worse.
My Mom is the definition of patience and kindness. I get the impression that you are very patient and loving, too.
Mom would lay down and die if she thought it would save him. Though, I know it is so hard for her. She calls me crying sometimes when he is mean to her. It is hard for me to listen to all the crap that he dishes out and still love and respect him.
When I go over to their house and he starts in on her, I tell him "I didn't come for a visit to listen to you two argue - cut it out or I am leaving".

Her way of dealing with him didn't happen overnight, she has had to change her approach. Sometimes he picks up on the fact that she is placating him, but most of the time he doesn't.

Mom will take a deep breath and go to the other room and come back as cheery as ever on the outside and agree with whatever it is he is whining about and apologize, then she will cry to me later, because she needs an outlet.

It makes me think of the thread- "Would you rather be happy or right". Mom isn't necessarily happy, but she knows she is right and everyone else including the doctors and friends know she is right. She just diffuses arguments as soon as they start.

I am sure you are very patient and kind to your disabled husband.
Do you have someone you can cry to? An outlet that understands what you are going though? What can you do to help diffuse the argument?
By telling you all that about how my Mom handles things, I am not saying completely lose your dignity or take verbal abuse like she tends to, but know that sometimes it might just be better to respond to TAM in another part of the house....or not push an issue if you feel slighted.

Here is a hug from me, too. I know you need a few!


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

We read so much here about love. It's threads like this that remind me of what LOVING someone really is.


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## Mrs.LonelyGal (Nov 8, 2010)

major misfit said:


> We read so much here about love. It's threads like this that remind me of what LOVING someone really is.


I know. No one ever thinks about this type of life on their wedding day when they say "for better or worse".
I know my Mom didn't think she was signing up for this 32 years ago.
Loving someone is often hard work. When I start to complain about what my husband does or doesn't do, I realize that I have it pretty lucky right now. I wonder if I would be able to be as strong and as forgiving and loving if my husband was debilitated like my Dad.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

This is an amazing and beautiful story. Many people live this, and more will, as our society ages and things like Alzheimer's become more common, or people surviving diseases/strokes, etc. God bless your mom, and you for being able to listen and support her in this difficult time. 



Mrs.LonelyGal said:


> I agree with all the positive reassurance that sisters and major misfit have added.
> He is definitely not "Himself" anymore and you have to try and deal with him differently.
> 
> My father and mother are in a similar situation as you and your husband.
> ...


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Mrs.LonelyGal said:


> I agree with all the positive reassurance that sisters and major misfit have added.
> He is definitely not "Himself" anymore and you have to try and deal with him differently.
> 
> My father and mother are in a similar situation as you and your husband.
> ...


Thank you SO VERY MUCH for sharing this story, I know it had to be painful for you.

Your mom/dad's situation and mine/my husband's is so similar it was almost like it was my story, but with different medical issues.

I also can't do anything right, get accused of staying out of pity, he'll start arguments and then swear later he hasn't even talked to me. He is frustrated and resentful to what has happened to him and yes, I'm the only one here so it gets taken out on me all the time - sometimes I just want to crawl in a hole and just go away.

I also do what your Mom does a lot, just take the blame, say I'm sorry, leave the room, anything. But sometimes it just all piles up and I blow and say things I don't really mean (and boy he can remember those!), and then I feel bad and then I wonder if I'm a good enough person to do this, am I unselfish enough, then I imagine my life without him and can't (warts and all), its just a vicious cycle I can't seem to break out of.

But thanks so much for sharing your story and if it helps your Mom, tell her you know of someone who is going through the exact same thing so she won't feel she's all alone - I know I do a lot.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I have a habit of taking things personally and my counselor has been working on this with me - but its so hard not too when its directed at you.

I just need to quit feeling sorry for myself and focus on helping him more - I'm just not sure I'm selfless enough and that's what bothers me the most.

I'm not perfect, but I am trying.


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## Mrs.LonelyGal (Nov 8, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Thank you SO VERY MUCH for sharing this story, I know it had to be painful for you.
> 
> Your mom/dad's situation and mine/my husband's is so similar it was almost like it was my story, but with different medical issues.
> 
> ...



Hey, I am really glad you were able to get something out of my story. I was actually not about to post it for fear that it would seem that I was comparing what you were going through to my Mom and Dad. I didn't want to shift the conversation away from you and your problem.

I know it is a daily struggle for you (as it is for us), some days are good and some are bad- with good and bad being relative to your personal situation.
A good day for my Dad and Mom seems awful when I compare it to my good days. As I am sure your husband's good days are on par with what can be expected given his ailments.

You aren't staying out of pity. You are staying because you love him and committed yourself to him. It is sad that he has a hard time recognizing that fact, but it doesn't make it any less true just because he can't see it sometimes.
I know you must feel like running away yourself sometimes. I know the anxiety and pressure must be a lot to handle, and when you run out of "fight" - "flight" seems to be the only other option. 

Hang in there. I know you can do this. Take every day- one step at a time. And don't beat yourself up if somedays you can't cope. You are a HUMAN that makes mistakes from time to time! ( SO IS HE!) I know you can get through it. 

Please don't sacrifice your own happiness everyday. Do something that makes you feel good and appreciate yourself. Reward yourself. You won't be able to expect him to reward you like you deserve to be. It might make you feel better if you acknowledge that you deserve a little bit of a reward for your hard work.



MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I have a habit of taking things personally and my counselor has been working on this with me - but its so hard not too when its directed at you.
> 
> I just need to quit feeling sorry for myself and focus on helping him more - I'm just not sure I'm selfless enough and that's what bothers me the most.
> 
> I'm not perfect, but I am trying.


How could you not take these types of comments he made to you personally? You just have to change the way you react to them, even if they hurt you to your core. I know- much easier said than done. I am happy to hear you have a counselor who is working with you on this.
Feeling sorry for yourself is OK from time to time, just try not to wallow in it.
Don't doubt yourself. And don't beat yourself up, if you slip up from time to time. You have already come through so much, and guess what!? You still have your husband and your life together. Being selfless is alright, but you are doing all of this not because you are selfless, but because you truly care about the state of your relationship. You not only want him to feel happy and secure- you want to feel happy and secure too!

We are all works in progress.
I hope you can talk to him calmly and soberly about what transpired last night and move past it enough to have a happy holiday.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

MWIL, I offer you some practical advice that I hope you will act on.

I feel the need to defend myself first in case I get jumped on. I am not at all saying that I think you are responsible for the situation you find yourself in. I will say though that you are responsible for the way you handle that situation.

Here’s an example. Your husband has a “cave” for a reason. The reasons for a man’s cave can I guess be different from man to man. For example they might like to truly focus on one thing and one thing alone, building a model aircraft, making a piece of furniture, writing a book, doing some research etc. Those types of activities are exceedingly therapeutic for a man. They are focused on one thing and one thing alone and they are creating. During that time their mind “wonders around the problems they face in their life”. This is the time when a man is introspective, reflective and problem solving. So being in a cave, is for a man creative, focused, therapeutic and problem solving. All this is an essential part of what being a man is all about. Women in the main go and talk with friends. Men in the main do not.

And what do you do? You go into his cave. Not only that but you disturb his peace and quite.

I know the problems you have are far greater than just the above illustration. I know that. How do I know? I was the guy who supported the carers as the generation before me was aging. And I’ve seen some stuff associated with cancer, Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s and brain damage. I know what it is like for the carers. They are the ones who I took care of.

But what can you do? You need healthy boundaries for both your sake and for your husband’s sake. With the cave example, I suggest the personal boundary “I will never stay in my husband’s cave. I will go in there when invited but I will not stay in there unless invited to stay”.

If I recall correctly that is going to give you a problem with internet access. Maybe you just have to work around that particular problem. Another computer, the use of a friends or a library.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

AFEH said:


> MWIL, I offer you some practical advice that I hope you will act on.
> 
> I feel the need to defend myself first in case I get jumped on. I am not at all saying that I think you are responsible for the situation you find yourself in. I will say though that you are responsible for the way you handle that situation.
> 
> ...


Thanks and no, no one is going to shoot you.

The problem though with his man cave is that is where he spends ALL OF HIS TIME. In other words, that is his part of the house. He only comes out to go to the bathroom and go to bed. He eats in there, watches TV in there, everything.

So if I don't go into the man cave to spend time with him, guess what - we don't spend time together. He has not and does not come out of there to watch TV with me in the family room, etc.

He doesn't have a problem with me going into his man cave. He does have a problem when I'm in there if I can't be quiet when he needs me too or I'm bugging him by asking if he's okay, do you need anything, etc. I've gone from being in denial to overprotective and I know it, but I can't seem to help it - its like I'm trying to make-up time.

So, if I don't spend time with him in his man cave, then we don't spend time together and that's a no-no. That's something he has had a problem with in the past and I have changed it, I'm not going back to separate rooms all the time to watch TV, etc.

So - any other solution that works in the above scenario.

I know...probably shut up when I'm in there, try not to act overprotective and like his mother and occasionally leave so he can have some space in there - does that sound about right?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Well I am feeling a tad bit better.

Husband drove into town and called me and asked if I wanted to go to lunch, but before I could get away from work he said he was sick to his stomach and was heading home.

But...at least he called and invited me and he hasn't run away from home yet.

So, when I get home, I'm going to "pretend" last night didn't happen unless he brings it up and try to put some of the advice I've received today to good use.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Thanks and no, no one is going to shoot you.
> 
> The problem though with his man cave is that is where he spends ALL OF HIS TIME. In other words, that is his part of the house. He only comes out to go to the bathroom and go to bed. He eats in there, watches TV in there, everything.
> 
> ...



Take yourself away for two weeks. I jest not. He’ll cope. And you’ll have a good break.

Things will be different when you get back, the dynamics will have changed because there will be changes inside both of you.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> My counselor has said this also. But it's hard for me, because if I don't accept him as a fully adult, rational person or hope that he will become one, then I lose all hope. And losing all hope for me will mean I have nothing to cling to and I can't handle that and I know it. So I cling to a little hope that he will, one day, be who he was.
> 
> But you're right, I need to FULLY ACCEPT that he is not a fully adult, rational person - I've accepted that he's changed (for now), but I have not totally accepted that he will never be who he was - its like if I do - I've lost all hope.


This is exactly right.

And layer on top of that his self medicating with booze.

He should not be drinking--period!

BTW, You also should get another computer for yourself and get wifi so you can access the internet, both of you, from anywhere in the house.

You signed up for a marriage for sickness and health, but not for verbal abuse. If he physically cannot stop behaving this way you may really have to reevaluate your interactions with him.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

michzz said:


> This is exactly right.
> 
> And layer on top of that his self medicating with booze.
> 
> ...


We had a good weekend out of town at my mother's and things seem okay now.

I've finally decided that I am going to focus on him, his issues and his recovery and quite wondering "what's in it for me."

He's already stated he feels like a failure and that everyone thinks he's stupid. Well I don't - but he thinks I do. 

So I'm going to quit pressuring him, just act loving, not argue with him and just act like a loving wife that cares about him. Hopefully that in turn will help change his behavior.

I need to be less selfish and wonder what I get out of all this. I need to concentrate on what he's lost. He's lost his vitality, he can't walk correctly, stutters when he speaks, can't remember the day or things he says sometimes, hands shake when he tries to do something and he has major physical issues in the bedroom. Just think how terrible this would be if it happened to you.

That's what I'm going to concentrate on now. I have my health, my memory, my mind and my ability to have sex - he doesn't. So I need to concentrate on him more now and less on me - it will all work out in the end, I need to be patient and help him.

We have appointments with our counselor this week. I have mine first, so I'll put a bug in his ear to gently approach the subject and see if he can get my husband to discuss it and found out what the real problems are.

As they say - this too shall pass.

Thanks for all the support guys - whether I agree with you or not, its helpful to know that enough people out there care enough to take the time to respond to someone they don't even know. 

Hugs & kisses to all....


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