# Happy after Divorce?



## indiecat

How happy were you after divorce? 

At one year, two year, three, etc. whatever.....


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## ne9907

I am not even a year out of divorcing and I can truly say I am happy.
I do not miss ex husband, my we had detached from each other about two years ago.

I am coming on my own, and I like it


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## indiecat

How long were you married Ne?


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## Healer

ne9907 said:


> I am coming on my own, and I like it


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## Healer

There are of course ups and downs, but all in all, I am WAY happier since being divorced. Hell, I was on Zoloft for my entire marriage (13+ years) and I've been off since a couple months after we separated (Feb 2013). That says A LOT.


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## Rowan

I was married for nearly 16 years, together with my ex-husband for a total of 21 years. We've been divorced for 15 months. I'm happy! Happier than I can remember being in many years. I'm not in a relationship, and haven't been since my divorce, but I am considering getting into dating. I'm good alone, but I do miss certain things about being in a relationship.


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## Rowan

Healer said:


> Hell, I was on Zoloft for my entire marriage (13+ years) and I've been off since a couple months after we separated (Feb 2013). That says A LOT.


Me, too! I am off of my anti-depressant, my anti-anxiety medication, and the two different medications I was taking for high blood pressure and rapid/erratic pulse. And I've had exactly one migraine in the last 15 months, where I was having 2-3 a month before that.

The long-term stress of my marriage was killing me.


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## antechomai

The first month was scary, I left as a SAHD with only a small pile of cash, to an apartment. My three daughters got the big room, I got the small one and when you opened my closet door it was suits and a computer.
Month one, a job... whew.
Month three, out of the apartment to my own home.
At that point it became wonderful.

Oh I see there is a drug portion to this... Ambien for a few months.


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## Openminded

Married for 45.5 years. Divorced for 18 months. Happy and at peace with myself and my life.


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## Wolf1974

I'm not happy. I am however content with what I still have. That is enough.


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## HeartbrokenW

I was married for 13 yrs, have been divorced now for almost 2 yrs. I'm glad I'm no longer in the position I was in, but I miss terribly what I thought I had.

Happy? No.


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## Pluto2

I can say lots of things are better. I am not afraid of what my ex is going to do or say anymore. Neither the kids or I have to walk around on eggshells, so that is better. Our entire household is waaayyyy more relaxed. I am more relieved than happy.

I had a 28 yr marriage and a 37 yr relationship.


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## Holland

Almost 5 years post sep/divorce and I am happy as can be. Was with the ex for almost 20 years.

It was about 12 months before I started to feel better and started dating. I have since re partnered with a wonderful man and we have been together for over 3 years. 

Life is good


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## bravenewworld

Was with my ex for around 10 years. The first week after the separation was awful, I had to to take sleeping pills just to get a few hours of rest. The first three months my stomach was in knots and I felt like I had an ulcer...

6 months after separating, I moved to a place I had dreamed of moving back to. And since then (almost 2 years) I've lived happily ever after, all by myself. I feel like a public service announcement. After divorce, it gets better!


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## Baseballmom6

Married for almost 28 years. Divorced 2 years. I also miss terribly what I thought I had.

Not dating by choice right now. Happy? Not exactly, but slowly getting there.


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## SamuraiJack

Happy?
Well most people will experience this as a bittersweet time.
One the one hand you have seen the death of the "us" that you helped create...on the other hand the pressure of the failing relationship and the subsequent blame games are over.

I have observed that many folks mistake the relief for happiness. Once the fog clears they usually realize they made a huge mistake but most are too proud to admit it so they go through the rest of their lives suffering or regretting.

I can definitely say that I am happy after the divorce. The first months were pretty bad but things get gradually better.
The real key is not to beat yourself up when you do the occasional backslide.


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## ChristianGrey

Everything is fun for sometime and then becomes a mundane chore after a while leading to boredom... 

...and that's when the real fun starts...


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## 3Xnocharm

SamuraiJack said:


> Happy?
> Well most people will experience this as a bittersweet time.
> One the one hand you have seen the death of the "us" that you helped create...on the other hand the pressure of the failing relationship and the subsequent blame games are over.
> 
> I have observed that many folks mistake the relief for happiness. *Once the fog clears they usually realize they made a huge mistake but most are too proud to admit it so they go through the rest of their lives suffering or regretting.*
> 
> I can definitely say that I am happy after the divorce. The first months were pretty bad but things get gradually better.
> The real key is not to beat yourself up when you do the occasional backslide.


Really? I have never met one single person who said that their divorce was a mistake.


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## Pluto2

3Xnocharm said:


> Really? I have never met one single person who said that their divorce was a mistake.


I took that as referring to the marriage as a mistake, not the divorce. But I could be wrong.


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## ne9907

indiecat said:


> How long were you married Ne?


I was married for 15 years.


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## SamuraiJack

Pluto2 said:


> I took that as referring to the marriage as a mistake, not the divorce. But I could be wrong.


Abuse, addiction and infidelity being taken out of the equation...

On any sufficiently deep conversation I have ever had with anyone who initiated a divorce, they have always expressed regret that they didnt do things differently and have always expressed remorse about the death of the couple.

Your mileage may vary of course.


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## ne9907

SamuraiJack said:


> *Abuse, addiction and infidelity being taken out of the equation...*
> 
> On any sufficiently deep conversation I have ever had with anyone who initiated a divorce, they have always expressed regret that they didnt do things differently and have always expressed remorse about the death of the couple.
> 
> Your mileage may vary of course.


:iagree:


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## Married but Happy

SamuraiJack said:


> On any sufficiently deep conversation I have ever had with anyone who initiated a divorce, they have always expressed regret that they didnt do things differently and have always expressed remorse about the death of the couple.
> 
> Your mileage may vary of course.


I guess my mileage varied! lol

After 24 years of marriage, having tried so many things to fix the issues with no positive changes, I decided to leave. The marriage had already been mourned, so there was tremendous relief in moving out and no remorse about the marriage. 

The first few weeks were a bit rocky, as I adjusted to the new reality of being alone. After that, though, my life got very rapidly better to an immense degree as I started dating and meeting wonderful women. And I've been happy ever since (of course, there are some occasional problems, but the overall level of happiness is greatly higher now).


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## Rowan

Of the "abuse, addiction and infidelity" cited by SJ, my ex-husband was hitting the trifecta. So, I regret that my ex-husband wasn't who I thought he was, or who he portrayed himself to be. I regret that our divorce was necessary. I regret that I didn't realize it was necessary until much later than I should have. I regret spending 3 years in false R. 

But I don't regret divorcing. It was what needed to happen - for both of us.


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## Holland

I have also never met anyone that did not go on to find great happiness after divorce. After all why divorce if things were good enough to stay married?

Yes there are occasional twinges of "what if" but I am so much happier post divorce as are all the people I know. The only exception being my ex BIL who is a complete nut case, divorce caused him to become a raging, abusive prick.


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## Pepper123

I'm almost 3 years out, and I'm not happy... not at all. My marriage was abusive, and brought up a lot of childhood trauma when it ended. As such instead of compartmentalizing, I'm trying to work on myself... knowing that dragging anyone else into my messy life would be unfair. But that is hard... I'm tired of doing everything on my own, falling asleep alone, and not having anyone to come home to. I needed to end my marriage, but I mourn the continuity of the family I lost every single day.


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## Jellybeans

I did not feel good for a long time post-separation/divorce. It was not a sprint, but a marathon for me.

But I didn't divorce to be "happy" as the goal. My divorce was because it was not what we both wanted anymore/and it wasn't working. Tragic.


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## Jellybeans

Baseballmom6 said:


> I also miss terribly what I thought I had.


Yeah. I think a lot of us can relate to that sentiment.


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## TheGoodGuy

HeartbrokenW said:


> I'm glad I'm no longer in the position I was in, but I miss terribly what I *thought* I had.





Baseballmom6 said:


> Married for almost 28 years. Divorced 2 years. I also miss terribly what I *thought* I had.





Rowan said:


> So, I regret that my ex-husband wasn't who I *thought* he was, or who he *portrayed *himself to be.


Seems to be a running theme here. And how I feel as well. Was married 9, divorced almost 2 now. That was the hardest part of the divorce for me. It was a completely out of the blue surprise, and I had to grieve the loss of the family dynamic, the dreams and desires, etc. Am I happy these days, sure, I'm not unhappy being alone (It is whatever we make of it right?). But I do miss the family dynamic and companionship tremendously. But I also will take my time the next time and not overlook all of the red flags.


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## FeministInPink

I'm now in the second year of my post-divorce life, and I agree with Healer; it has its ups and downs, but overall, I'm much, MUCH happier now that I'm divorced. Yes, I'm lonely sometimes, but far less lonelier than I was in my marriage.

I do not--and will never--regret choosing to divorce my XH. In choosing to divorce him, I was choosing to save my own life and love myself. And I know that I did everything possible to save the relationship/marriage. The only thing I regret is that I married him in the first place; but if I hadn't, I never would have had that experience to learn and grow from.

I am, however, one of SamuraiJack's asides/taken out of the equation... my XH is an emotionally abusive narcissist, and he's probably an alcoholic, too. So, there's that.

But back to the point... I am much happier. I have my self-esteem and self-confidence back (although, it still does waiver from time to time--it's an ongoing process, but consistently improving), and I have the freedom to make my own choices again. But most importantly, I have ownership over my own emotions again; there is no one trying to own me and control me, which is a glorious thing.


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## HeartbrokenW

FeministInPink said:


> I have the freedom to make my own choices again.


:iagree:
This is the BEST thing about being single again, regardless of where you fall on the spectrum. Want to go somewhere? Go! Want to buy something? Buy it! Want to do something? Do it! No more trying to persuade, talk him into it, blah blah blah.. and on the other hand... you don't have to do the things that you did just because he wanted to....

And one more, then I'll shut up.. no more cleaning his beard out of the sink or picking up his socks and putting them into the laundry basket!


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## TheGoodGuy

Ok I'll play. . No more clogged drains every other week from her long hair, I can fart whenever I want to... I kid I kid..


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## Holland

I'll play too:

I am having sex now, lots of it, amazing, mind blowing sex. Yay


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## bravenewworld

Joining in on the fun!

1) The groceries are much lighter when you're shopping for one

2) Not having to hide in the bathroom to masturbate

3) If I want to dye my hair periwinkle, I will dye my hair periwinkle

4) Not having to make up some fib when asked "why do the pets like you best??"


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## SamuraiJack

No more World of Warcraft...
No more falling asleep expecting her to come to bed "soon"...
Nobody second guessing my purchases...
I can cook as hot as I like...

Cajun seasoning on toast? Sure!


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## Observer

Divorced 1 year next week. Married 20 years, happier than I've ever been. 

I worry about my ex, she is still a hot mess, but that is it. I would never want to be with her again.


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## Wolf1974

Holland said:


> I have also never met anyone that did not go on to find great happiness after divorce. After all why divorce if things were good enough to stay married?
> 
> Yes there are occasional twinges of "what if" but I am so much happier post divorce as are all the people I know. The only exception being my ex BIL who is a complete nut case, divorce caused him to become a raging, abusive prick.


For me it's cause I really had no choice. She cheated and I lost all trust and respect in her. I literally saw her as a different person and not the girl I met when we were 14 years old. I couldn't live under the same roof with someone I don't respect and certainly not with someone I didn't trust so divorce became the only option.

I have never been in love with anyone like I was with her and doubt I will again. Anyway that's why I divorced even though I was happy.


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## FeministInPink

Holland said:


> I'll play too:
> 
> I am having sex now, lots of it, amazing, mind blowing sex. Yay


Lucky duck! I was for a little while, too--but then he and I broke up, so now I have to find someone else... 

There are so many guys looking for casual, NSA sex on the dating sites, and I'm tempted... but ultimately, I think it's a bad idea. I deserve better/more than that.

And the fact that I KNOW that, and that I've learned to love myself again, that makes me happy, too. Maybe not as happy as lots of mind-blowing sex might make me, but still pretty damn happy.


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## Holland

FeministInPink I was happy even before I met Mr H and started having mind blowing sex. I was a mess for the first year post separation but then the sun came up again and I knew I had made the right choice to end the marriage. I did it because I was living a life of misery and knew that was my lot till death is we stayed married. 
I was very happy during the single time, loved it, enjoyed my family, friends and life in general. 

Wolf to be fair, I get that having a marriage end due to cheating (or other abusive issues) would cause huge pain, happiness post those circumstances would be extremely hard to find. I am sorry that you have suffered like that.


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## happy as a clam

indiecat said:


> How happy were you after divorce?
> 
> At one year, two year, three, etc. whatever.....


Hi indie... Hope you're well! You and I have PM'd in the past.

To answer your question:

How happy am I after divorce? I'M ELATED!!!!!! (The word "elated" doesn't even do it justice.)

*At one year*.... kicked myself for not doing it sooner.

*At two years*... Couldn't believe how relieved I was after the constant stress of "emotional bantering" back and forth had ended.

*At three years*... Happy, happy, HAPPY... to the Moon... and BACK!!! (a thousand times!!)

My divorce was the best gift I ever gave myself 

P.S. My kids are SOOOOO much happier now that they are not drawn into the constant struggles between me and my ex. He ALWAYS used them as pawns, much the same way his parents used HIM as a pawn in their equally unhappy marriage. Remember, *kids live what they know.* My ex is living proof of that.


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## FeministInPink

I just read an article on foie gras... and I realized, I will never have to eat that crap again! Hooray!

(My XH was a chef, and we ALWAYS had to order it because he loved it. Me, not so much.)


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## happy as a clam

FeministInPink said:


> I just read an article on foie gras... and *I realized, I will never have to eat that crap again! Hooray!*
> 
> (My XH was a chef, and we ALWAYS had to order it because he loved it. Me, not so much.)


Lol... Fem Pink... THIS brought back some laughs!!

My ex LOVED veal. I'm not a vegetarian by ANY stretch -- I love meat as much as the next person -- but I am completely opposed to the commercial growing of veal; poor little calves, milk fed WAY beyond the normal timeframe, chained in tiny bins to weaken their muscles, never being able to stand on their own four legs, all so that veal-hungry patrons can gorge on their anemic, emaciated steaks ("But it's SOOOO tender!") Grrrrr....

Every time we went out to a restaurant and ex (then-husband) ordered veal, I donated $100 to the Humane Farming Association!

He stopped ordering it when he realized it was costing him $200+ per meal.

:rofl:


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## Chuck71

3Xnocharm said:


> Really? I have never met one single person who said that their divorce was a mistake.


I have met / known quite a few who have.


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## Chuck71

15 years for me...... approaching the two year final mark. She wanted the D so....

I gave her what she wanted. The one year mark, I was in a serious relationship

with UG. WC (ex) tried a number of reaches....two major ones. One was near the

one year mark of D final. I still consider myself lucky and that I cheated the system

by meeting UG before the D was final. Almost made it two years.

If she (UG) and I never speak again, the ride was worth the fall.


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## huebnem

I can cook whatever I want, I can actually put money into a savings account, and there isn't someone over my shoulder all day...

But no intimacy anymore...unless you count my love affair with expensive cigars and scotch. I also feel slightly alone in a 4 bedroom 2 bath house with no company besides my dog. I am not depressed and I can walk around naked all day but bleh...I can't have a conversation with my dog.


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## Fenix

20 months post separation...still trying to get that final nail into the coffin of the marriage.

We were married 25 years, together 30. I left due to my discovery of his (repeated) cheating. It was the easiest decision I have ever made. It would have killed me to stay, let alone the example it would have set for my kids. First 4 months were dreadful. Then, I started rediscovering myself. Started dating 8 months after. Fast forward to today, I am very happy with having rebuilt my life, found a job, discovered what it is like to be involved with a man instead of a perpetual adolescent. Life is GOOD. I am very, very happy.


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## TooNice

I was married for 20 years, and after being on my own for just over four months, my divorce is progressing quickly and will hopefully be final soon. 

This is not something I initiated or wanted, but these past months have shown me just how much it is the right thing. My STBX was not committed to our marriage. Maybe for the first couple of years, but it's been over for a long time, and I was too blind to see it. 

I was too blind to see how much I allowed him to manipulate me-pulling me away from my family and nearly all of my friends. Too blind to see how much I was used to manage the household while he could come and go as he pleased. Or how he managed the finances and buying a simple household decoration required so much discussion, I ultimately stopped trying. 

Now, finding out at the end that the OW is in the picture, and has been for a while, also helped move my healing along. 

So, am I happy? I think I am, but I'm still grieving for the loss of the family I had in my inlaws. I'm grieving for the loss of time with my kids. Even though they are grown, they still have to split their rare free time between us. That part makes me sad. 

While I never asked for this, I am happy that the curtains have been lifted and I can see that my unhappiness throughout the years was not me being needy or emotional. I am happy that I have the chance to find a man who WILL make me happy. Having lived 20 years as lonely as I was, I'm certain that's going to feel pretty amazing when it happens.


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## philglossop

Heading towards 22 months separation and 18 months divorced.

Yup- getting there. Better than XH is by all accounts......


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## Pluto2

philglossop said:


> Heading towards 22 months separation and 18 months divorced.
> 
> Yup- getting there. Better than XH is by all accounts......


Nice to hear from you Phil. Happy New Year.


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## SamuraiJack

On an interesting note...
We had a joint account and it seemed like I was always giving her more money. 
Well we split up and she had her joint card and I got a chance to watch her spending. She was buying her coffee and lunches out of the joint account along with her gas.

So long story short. 
I have a more money in my account now that I did when we were together...and I'm spending poorly!...and I make less than she does!

Oh I suppose I could weep for her loss of a cleaning woman, and her personal trainer and the convenience of coffee, lunches and anything else she wanted, bought with my money.

Or...I could have a glass of good whiskey and chuckle to myself as I survey my bank account and glory in the fact that I pay no spousal support and I can take care of my kids stuff easily.

Does this make me "happy"? 
Not as much as satisfied. 

What DOES make me happy is the fact that I can take my girls to dinner or my girlfriend and not worry about the check.


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## Blossom Leigh

I've been split from my ex for 8 years and everytime I talk to him now my stomach turns. He is still clueless and in massive debt, hasn't paid his taxes in five years and already divorced again. My current H and I are close to having three houses paid for and my ex is $70,000 upside down in his. Makes me glad I left.


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## Chuck71

SamuraiJack said:


> Or...I could have a glass of good whiskey .


If you're ever near Atlanta....let me know

would like to share a bottle of whiskey at the lake

talking about life, psych females, etc


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## TheGoodGuy

SamuraiJack said:


> On an interesting note...
> We had a joint account and it seemed like I was always giving her more money.
> Well we split up and she had her joint card and I got a chance to watch her spending. She was buying her coffee and lunches out of the joint account along with her gas.
> 
> So long story short.
> I have a more money in my account now that I did when we were together...and I'm spending poorly!...and I make less than she does!
> 
> Oh I suppose I could weep for her loss of a cleaning woman, and her personal trainer and the convenience of coffee, lunches and anything else she wanted, bought with my money.
> 
> Or...I could have a glass of good whiskey and chuckle to myself as I survey my bank account and glory in the fact that I pay no spousal support and I can take care of my kids stuff easily.
> 
> Does this make me "happy"?
> Not as much as satisfied.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> What DOES make me happy is the fact that I can take my girls to dinner or my girlfriend and not worry about the check.


I can So relate to this. I guess I can thank my bat **** crazy ExW for being that way, leaving me with custody of my daughter and me not owing her another dime ever. I'm GOOD financially. Cheers!


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## hope4family

I am not sad I divorced. I am sad for plenty of the other things that go on. A little lonely at times, but I also am just as happy being lonely as I am being with someone. 

Can't really decide if I want it any other way at the moment. I am a free man, a proud single Father (S3), and I have as many resources as I ever have had.


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## Chuck71

hope4family said:


> I am not sad I divorced. I am sad for plenty of the other things that go on. A little lonely at times, but I also am just as happy being lonely as I am being with someone.
> 
> Can't really decide if I want it any other way at the moment. I am a free man, a proud single Father (S3), and I have as many resources as I ever have had.


Recall we hit around the same time H4F. You've came light years brother


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## Blossom Leigh

Chuck71 said:


> If you're ever near Atlanta....let me know
> 
> would like to share a bottle of whiskey at the lake
> 
> talking about life, psych females, etc


That wouldn't happen to be Lake Lanier would it?


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## Chuck71

Blossom Leigh said:


> That wouldn't happen to be Lake Lanier would it?


More like Lake Ocoee. But good whiskey and great chat is awesome at any lake


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## SamuraiJack

Chuck71 said:


> More like Lake Ocoee. But good whiskey and great chat is awesome at any lake


Strange coincidence that at one point in my life I was a distiller...


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## Chuck71

SamuraiJack said:


> Strange coincidence that at one point in my life I was a distiller...


The area where I reside is famous for its moonshine.

Told XW...drink some, it will put hair on your back


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## SamuraiJack

Chuck71 said:


> The area where I reside is famous for its moonshine.
> 
> Told XW...drink some, it will put hair on your back


My stuff is so good it wont give you a hangover. Learned it from a guy who was active in the Prohibition era. I will occasionally make a batch nowdays. When my friends see the mash brewing they get all excited cause they know whats coming..


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## Blossom Leigh

Chuck71 said:


> More like Lake Ocoee. But good whiskey and great chat is awesome at any lake


Oh COOL... I've shot the rapids there 

As well as the Etowah, and Chattahoochee.


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## Chuck71

Blossom Leigh said:


> Oh COOL... I've shot the rapids there
> 
> As well as the Etowah, and Chattahoochee.


Ocoee is a 5 minute drive. Can see the mountains from the back deck.

The Hiawassee is a tame run but... a good four hour trek.


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## Blossom Leigh

Yea, I think I have done the Hiawassee, but its been so long I can't remember for sure, but the Ocoee is unforgettable! LOVED it!


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## Chuck71

Lake Ocoee is my meditation spot. Has been for years. I always go there to reflect.

I refer to it often in my few blogs on TAM.


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## toolforgrowth

Never once did I regret it, and literally everyone I know says I'm a much happier person after my divorce. My xW was having an affair, but the marriage was bad long before then. She was controlling and manipulative and didn't give a damn about me.

I've since met a wonderful lady last fall and things are going well. And amen to the mind blowing sex...it's awesome when you're with a person who is just as into you as you are into them.

Cheating xW just got remarried (not to her AP), he's a decent guy and I feel really bad for him. My xW never seemed to get over the divorce and my subsequent apathy for her and her life. She'll still try to control me on occasion but fails miserably.

So much happier with her gone. The moral of the story for me is to never get married again.


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## Jellybeans

toolforgrowth said:


> So much happier with her gone. *The moral of the story for me is to never get married again*.


:rofl::smthumbup:


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## Chuck71

I have seen a modest number who regretted the D but.....

these were from the ones who walked away. In most cases, they were the ones

who initiated the D. Granted, I did an intern as MC. When they (M and F) realize the

aftershock.... it is an eye opening, I was even shocked. And my specialty is mind

probing with criminals. But there is another step....when they realize the left 

behind spouse has moved on and....is happy. Beginning something with a person

who is invested for the long haul. Now I recall the Ark scene in the first Raiders

of the Lost Ark, beautiful...intoxicating....then...... Those WAW / WAH have that

look...almost a death look. Their speech is hollow, defeated, unspiritual.

I relate it to a Christian discovering there is no God and they should pray to the Sun.

In the end.......we know the final score.....


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## hope4family

Chuck71 said:


> Recall we hit around the same time H4F. You've came light years brother


Thanks I appreciate it.


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## indiecat

What if an affair or emotional abuse from their partner cause a spouse to walk away, are they still a WAW or WAH?


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## FeministInPink

indiecat said:


> What if an affair or emotional abuse from their partner cause a spouse to walk away, are they still a WAW or WAH?


I don't think so... the defining hallmark of a WAW/WAH is that the partner who is left behind doesn't see it coming or really understand why it happened (at least not initially). If one partner cheats, and the other leaves, the reasons are pretty obvious, and I wouldn't call the departure unexpected.


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## Holland

FeministInPink said:


> I don't think so... the defining hallmark of a WAW/WAH is that the partner who is left behind doesn't see it coming or really understand why it happened (at least not initially). If one partner cheats, and the other leaves, the reasons are pretty obvious, and I wouldn't call the departure unexpected.


This whole WAW or WAH is not a term used in Aussie. In my situation I was the one that ended the marriage, not for another man, not due to abuse but because my ex did not step up and do what needed to be done. So if I lived in America I would be termed a WAW which is not true at all.

TBH I think the partner that was left behind should take a good long look at why they did not see it coming. Did they simply ignore what was happening in front of them, head in the sand or so arrogant that they thought they could get away with being lazy after marriage?
The terms WAW and WAH seem like a great way for one partner to blame the other without taking any responsibility for their own role in the marriage ending.


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## WasDecimated

Am I happy? I just don't know. Some times yes, some times no.

I was married 16 years and now divorced for two. Her cheating and lying starting in year 13, ended our marriage. I was blissfully happy until then. I had everything I ever dreamed of; a beautiful wife, three great kids, a nice home and a great career. But the last three years were pure hell.

Now I am single, still have a nice home, still have my career, but I only have my kids every other week and I pay a disgusting amount of alimony and child support.

On the off weeks I am lonely. Her infidelity has really effected me deeply. I don't date. I don't seem to be attracted to anyone and no one seems to be attracted to me. At 51, I feel like I'm stuck in a ditch with no way out. 

Like Wolf, I was truly in love with her in a way that I doubt I will ever feel again with anyone else. Her cheating was a real crushing and unexpected blow.

On the bright side, I love coming home to my house now. I have completely re-done it to my taste...think Mad Men /mid-century bachelor pad. I can do whatever I want...when I want. I don't have to compromise on anything. My career is going great. I have more money now even though I pay out alimony and child support because her spending was so out of control when we were married. 

When my kids are with me we have fun and do things together but I do feel bad for them, they live out of suitcases. They do love staying at my house much more than at her crappy condo. 

I guess the only things missing in my life is love, trust, companionship, family and the mind blowing sex that some of you spoke of... the things I thought I had...

The first year was brutal and depressing...really tough. I thought by two years out I would be in a better place but I'm just not there yet. The good days are better and more frequent but the lows are still there. I seem to do fine for a while but then something happens to bring me down again...usually my ex...thoughts, memories, holidays or what happened week. I was thinking about on line dating. I went to a sight and out of curiosity, did a search to see what was out there. low and behold, there's my ex! I was instantly back in the bottom of the ditch again for a week. 

It seems like the answer would be easy...replace what's now missing but that would require me to get out and take chances that I'm just not ready to take yet. I fear rejection would still be too much to deal with. And then there's the trust issues and self doubt I'm now left with. It' clear I still need to do a lot of work on my confidence and self esteem. 

I'm hoping that this year will will be the year that I climb out of the ditch because the things that are missing from my life are things I really miss.


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## Chuck71

Of my 4 loves......WC was the overall deepest. I refuse to submit to it can't

get any better. My 2nd blew away the 1st, the 3rd blew away the 2nd, and 

in a few ways, the 4th blew away the 3rd. But not overall. Tweek the offense and

start the year fresh. Nothing changes unless you want it to


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## TooNice

Holland said:


> TBH I think the partner that was left behind should take a good long look at why they did not see it coming. Did they simply ignore what was happening in front of them, head in the sand or so arrogant that they thought they could get away with being lazy after marriage?
> The terms WAW and WAH seem like a great way for one partner to blame the other without taking any responsibility for their own role in the marriage ending.


We are of course, entitled to our opinions, but I think this is a remarkably harsh thing to say.


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## kapil

I think, when the problems are out of control, the divorce is a great way. But, in not all cases, everone in a relationship, should try to avoid it. Because, if you have children, you may face problems...


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## Rowan

FeministInPink said:


> I don't think so... the defining hallmark of a WAW/WAH is that the partner who is left behind doesn't see it coming or really understand why it happened (at least not initially). If one partner cheats, and the other leaves, the reasons are pretty obvious, and I wouldn't call the departure unexpected.


Unless you're my ex-husband. I found out he was a serial cheater for 14 of the 15.5 years we were married, so I filed for divorce. And to this day, he seems not to have seen it coming, doesn't appear to really understand why it happened, and is honestly hurt and bewildered that I just left him. 

Ahhh, narcissism.....

:slap:


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## SamuraiJack

Holland said:


> This whole WAW or WAH is not a term used in Aussie. In my situation I was the one that ended the marriage, not for another man, not due to abuse but because my ex did not step up and do what needed to be done. So if I lived in America I would be termed a WAW which is not true at all.
> 
> TBH I think the partner that was left behind should take a good long look at why they did not see it coming. Did they simply ignore what was happening in front of them, head in the sand or so arrogant that they thought they could get away with being lazy after marriage?
> The terms WAW and WAH seem like a great way for one partner to blame the other without taking any responsibility for their own role in the marriage ending.


You are missing a key component in the WAW or WAH situation.
Concealment.
They hide the fact that they are going to leave. Often for upwards of a year. If their partner asks, everything is "fine" or "Nothing's wrong dear."
Suddenly the partner isnt fighting anymore and the other partner assumes everything is "back to normal". 
Then, once they have it all planned out, they leave.
Just like that.

Im a classic LBS. 
She had a mid life crisis that led to an affair. 
She kept it from me for over a year and a half....then "Poof".

I fully acknowledged I have faults and went totally to town on them, but it was just too late and her AP was exerting too much influence on her as were the new set of toxic "friends" she made.
I kept my changes and made several more.

To me, it sounds like your post is a reaction to a nerve being struck.
Jes sayin.


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## 3Xnocharm

Holland said:


> TBH I think the partner that was left behind should take a good long look at why they did not see it coming. Did they simply ignore what was happening in front of them, head in the sand or so arrogant that they thought they could get away with being lazy after marriage?
> The terms WAW and WAH seem like a great way for one partner to blame the other without taking any responsibility for their own role in the marriage ending.





TooNice said:


> We are of course, entitled to our opinions, but I think this is a remarkably harsh thing to say.


Actually, this is not harsh at all, but the absolute truth and reality. My first XH supposedly didnt see it coming when I left, but I had expressed to him on many occasions in several ways that I was unhappy and why. I asked that we get help, as in MC, and he wouldnt hear of it, claimed things werent "that bad". He just assumed I was going to stay forever despite the fact that I was miserable. He felt blindsided by my leaving because he refused to face the reality of the situation. Had he actually dealt with and worked on his issues that sent me out the door, he very well could have prevented his SECOND divorce. 

I think that a TRUE walk-away situation is a very rare event, I wont say it doesnt happen. People snap. Others are really just that devious and selfish. But Holland is right, so often people label a WAW/WAH because instead of facing what was in front of them, they stuck their head in the sand in total denial.


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## FeministInPink

SamuraiJack said:


> You are missing a key component in the WAW or WAH situation.
> Concealment.
> They hide the fact that they are going to leave. Often for upwards of a year. If their partner asks, everything is "fine" or "Nothing's wrong dear."
> Suddenly the partner isnt fighting anymore and the other partner assumes everything is "back to normal".
> Then, once they have it all planned out, they leave.
> Just like that.
> 
> Im a classic LBS.
> She had a mid life crisis that led to an affair.
> She kept it from me for over a year and a half....then "Poof".
> 
> I fully acknowledged I have faults and went totally to town on them, but it was just too late and her AP was exerting too much influence on her as were the new set of toxic "friends" she made.
> I kept my changes and made several more.
> 
> To me, it sounds like your post is a reaction to a nerve being struck.
> Jes sayin.


Samurai, thanks for posting this--I wanted to respond to Holland, but I couldn't put my finger on the missing component.

You mentioned that the fighting stops, and things go back to normal. I read somewhere, that in the last year, the marriage seems very happy again, but it's almost like a mirage. Things are "happy" because the WAW/H has an escape plan, and so nothing else bothers them anymore.

It's really an absurd phenomenon.


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## SamuraiJack

3Xnocharm said:


> Actually, this is not harsh at all, but the absolute truth and reality. My first XH supposedly didnt see it coming when I left, but I had expressed to him on many occasions in several ways that I was unhappy and why. I asked that we get help, as in MC, and he wouldnt hear of it, claimed things werent "that bad".


Then you arent a walk away wife...


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## FeministInPink

SamuraiJack said:


> Then you arent a walk away wife...


:iagree:

You're not a WAW--he's just a liar.


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## SamuraiJack

FeministInPink said:


> :iagree:
> 
> You're not a WAW--he's just a liar.


or in complete denial...


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## hope4family

Chuck71 said:


> Of my 4 loves......WC was the overall deepest. I refuse to submit to it can't
> 
> get any better. My 2nd blew away the 1st, the 3rd blew away the 2nd, and
> 
> in a few ways, the 4th blew away the 3rd. But not overall. *Tweek the offense and
> 
> start the year fresh. Nothing changes unless you want it *to


My mentality. Going to a counselor today to come up with a years worth of plans and goals. Get perspective on being a single parent, and best of all, accountability to those goals.


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## SamuraiJack

FeministInPink said:


> Samurai, thanks for posting this--I wanted to respond to Holland, but I couldn't put my finger on the missing component.
> 
> You mentioned that the fighting stops, and things go back to normal. I read somewhere, that in the last year, the marriage seems very happy again, but it's almost like a mirage. Things are "happy" because the WAW/H has an escape plan, and so nothing else bothers them anymore.
> 
> It's really an absurd phenomenon.


In my ex's circumstance it was deliberate deception. I couldnt put my finger on that but my guts told me something was wrong. I even asked her a few times if maybe we needed marriage counseling. She looked at me cool as a cucumber and said "No sweety, I dont think we are there just yet."

Six months later she ended it in an email.


But back to the happy!
I didnt realize it at the time, but it may have been the best thing that could have happened to me. I had lost a lot of myself in the name of having "a good marriage".
It wouldnt be until she left that I realized just how much.:rofl:


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## Hopelessus

Only seperated. Married 9 years together 11. I am happier. I didn't think I was going to be. But now I see why were so frustrated with each other. We couldn't agree on pretty much anything.
I am happier


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## hope4family

SamuraiJack said:


> But back to the happy!
> I didnt realize it at the time, but it may have been the best thing that could have happened to me. I had lost a lot of myself in the name of having "a good marriage".
> It wouldnt be until she left that I realized just how much.:rofl:


I feel similar. I am definitely not the same person she married, and even more so not the same person she was married too. 

In many ways, I have found myself and embraced it more. What's interesting, is that when you engage in things you are passionate about, your outlook changes. On everything.


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## FeministInPink

SamuraiJack said:


> In my ex's circumstance it was deliberate deception. I couldnt put my finger on that but my guts told me something was wrong. I even asked her a few times if maybe we needed marriage counseling. She looked at me cool as a cucumber and said "No sweety, I dont think we are there just yet."
> 
> Six months later she ended it in an email.
> 
> 
> But back to the happy!
> *I didnt realize it at the time, but it may have been the best thing that could have happened to me. I had lost a lot of myself in the name of having "a good marriage".
> It wouldnt be until she left that I realized just how much.*:rofl:


Me, too! I think this is a really big part of the happy. Rediscovering yourself, putting all those little pieces together, and becoming whole again was a painful but ultimately cathartic experience. 

I honestly believe that the failure of my marriage and the subsequent divorce--as painful and difficult as it was, probably the most painful thing I will ever experience--was the best thing to ever happen to me. It forced me to deal with other unresolved issues around my early emotional development, which never would have happened otherwise. I'm still working on them, but I can say without reservation that I am in an all-around better place than I was while in my marriage, and I'm in a better place than I was when I met my XH... better, really, than any place I've ever been in my life. And it continues to get better. And I wouldn't be here without the divorce.

I'm completely broke and my job bores me to tears most of the time, but it doesn't matter because I'm good


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## SamuraiJack

FeministInPink said:


> Me, too! I think this is a really big part of the happy. Rediscovering yourself, putting all those little pieces together, and becoming whole again was a painful but ultimately cathartic experience.
> 
> I honestly believe that the failure of my marriage and the subsequent divorce--as painful and difficult as it was, probably the most painful thing I will ever experience--was the best thing to ever happen to me.


Yes! Rediscovering the parts of myself that are awesome was one of the best bits. When my wife left I hadnt been on a motorcycle in 29 years. But after she moved out I had spare cash from the house purchase. I got a bike and hopped on that bad boy and it took about 1/4 mile to get the feel. Then I was like 
"Holy Crap! I remember this! Why did I give this up?"

I could FEEL the awesome returning. 
(Turns out I look really good in leather too...woohoo!)

I sometime look back at the person I was during the last year of the marriage. I had "faded". I was wilting from lack of water from my partner.
I actually feel a little sorry for that version of me and I cant ever imagine going back there.
...and I wont.


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## 3Xnocharm

SamuraiJack said:


> I sometime look back at the person I was during the last year of the marriage. I had "faded". I was wilting from lack of water from my partner.
> I actually feel a little sorry for that version of me and I cant ever imagine going back there.
> ...and I wont.


Omg YES! Me too! This is how I was feeling when I ended my second marriage...I was just a shell of myself.


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## Chuck71

hope4family said:


> My mentality. Going to a counselor today to come up with a years worth of plans and goals. Get perspective on being a single parent, and best of all, accountability to those goals.


We posted on similar threads back in '12 and '13. Z's, GP, ReGroup, staystrong

You have came a long distance. I may not post much on threads anymore but...

yeah....I always try to keep up with how you are doing brother.


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## FeministInPink

SamuraiJack said:


> Yes! Rediscovering the parts of myself that are awesome was one of the best bits. When my wife left I hadnt been on a motorcycle in 29 years. But after she moved out I had spare cash from the house purchase. I got a bike and hopped on that bad boy and it took about 1/4 mile to get the feel. Then I was like
> "Holy Crap! I remember this! Why did I give this up?"
> 
> I could FEEL the awesome returning.
> (Turns out I look really good in leather too...woohoo!)


I love that you went out and got yourself a bike. 

I went out on a ton of roller coasters and thrill rides, even the ones that terrified me. I always loved them, but the XH hated them, so I never went after we got together. It was exhilarating.

I got a zippy little car with a sunroof--one which would have been vetoed while we were together--and I love driving it fast on the highway with all the windows open and the music blaring, which was another no-no.

And so many other things--big and small--that fill me with so much joy, it's hard to contain sometimes. And that's a damn good feeling.



SamuraiJack said:


> I sometime look back at the person I was during the last year of the marriage. I had "faded". I was wilting from lack of water from my partner.
> I actually feel a little sorry for that version of me and I cant ever imagine going back there.
> ...and I wont.





3Xnocharm said:


> Omg YES! Me too! This is how I was feeling when I ended my second marriage...I was just a shell of myself.


Me, as well! I think this is a common sentiment of people who are truly happy after leaving a bad marriage.


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## Holland

SamuraiJack said:


> You are missing a key component in the WAW or WAH situation.
> Concealment.
> They hide the fact that they are going to leave. Often for upwards of a year. If their partner asks, everything is "fine" or "Nothing's wrong dear."
> Suddenly the partner isnt fighting anymore and the other partner assumes everything is "back to normal".
> Then, once they have it all planned out, they leave.
> Just like that.
> 
> Im a classic LBS.
> She had a mid life crisis that led to an affair.
> She kept it from me for over a year and a half....then "Poof".
> 
> I fully acknowledged I have faults and went totally to town on them, but it was just too late and her AP was exerting too much influence on her as were the new set of toxic "friends" she made.
> I kept my changes and made several more.
> 
> *To me, it sounds like your post is a reaction to a nerve being struck.*
> Jes sayin.


No it is not a reaction to a nerve being struck which is an interesting comment to have made as it is a blame shifting type of comment. I have my POV on the topic so that must mean it hits a nerve, no, wrong, I have an opinion because I am able to.

Actually if anything what it does stir up in me is the complete dislike of people that do not take responsibility for where they are at in life. They blame the other party for what happened in the marriage while saying they were not at fault. IMHO we are all to blame for where we are, yes our circumstances, stories are different but all of us here in divorce land are at fault. Blaming the other person and calling them a WAW/WAH is simply absolving yourself of responsibility.


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## hope4family

Chuck71 said:


> We posted on similar threads back in '12 and '13. Z's, GP, ReGroup, staystrong
> 
> You have came a long distance. I may not post much on threads anymore but...
> 
> yeah....I always try to keep up with how you are doing brother.


There are moments when I read your posts I have to wonder if you are Conrad pt 2.


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## sisters359

I have been divorced for 5 years now, after being married for 21. Because of my ex's mental health issues, it took a while for me to feel free of the responsibility for him I always felt--but yes, it has happened.

I have never once, in 5 years, missed him.

I have never once, in 5 years, regretted or second-guessed my decision to leave.

Our kids have fared very well. They are happy, with good friends and good grades; they are respectful and thoughtful and they care about the world they live in. We talk openly about all issues. 

3 months ago, I started my dream job. 2 months ago, I bought a house in the exact place I wanted to live, One month ago, I bought a new car. I was able to do all this because I planned and made good choices, and got a little lucky at the right times.

I feel truly blessed. I get a bit sad when I think how long I gave so much to someone who apparently meant little to me--how can you not even miss someone you lived with for 20 years? But I know I was buoyed up in the marriage by my caretaker role, and I let go of any sadness. I made choices, I learned--and I grew. So here I am today, happy.


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## TooNice

Holland said:


> Actually if anything what it does stir up in me is the complete dislike of people that do not take responsibility for where they are at in life. They blame the other party for what happened in the marriage while saying they were not at fault. IMHO we are all to blame for where we are, yes our circumstances, stories are different but all of us here in divorce land are at fault. Blaming the other person and calling them a WAW/WAH is simply absolving yourself of responsibility.


I don't feel as though I didn't play a part in my marriage issues. That would be naive of me. However, I guess I do "blame" my H for how he handled things. When we would talk about our relationship, he would "talk" with me, but it would be years before he'd fill me in that he had already decided that when our youngest graduated, we would be divorcing. Done. No discussion, no working on it together. He made the decision for us. 

While I am not blameless, I did not turn to another person when things got tough. I did not rip another person's life out from under them by making a decision that changed everything for them, but little for me. I may have played a part in our marriage problems, but no one deserves to be treated like a dog being kicked to the curb. I do blame him for that.


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## TooNice

And I'm sorry if I'm a little sensitive about this. I feel like I had a WAH -except I was still married to him for the past 10 years. Going to counseling, talking, thinking we were trying.


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## TheGoodGuy

TooNice said:


> I don't feel as though I didn't play a part in my marriage issues. That would be naive of me. However, I guess I do "blame" my H for how he handled things. When we would talk about our relationship, he would "talk" with me, but it would be years before he'd fill me in that he had already decided that when our youngest graduated, we would be divorcing. Done. No discussion, no working on it together. He made the decision for us.
> 
> While I am not blameless, I did not turn to another person when things got tough. I did not rip another person's life out from under them by making a decision that changed everything for them, but little for me. I may have played a part in our marriage problems, but no one deserves to be treated like a dog being kicked to the curb. I do blame him for that.


Don't feel bad at all, I agree. I can look back now and own my own POS tendencies, but she's at fault for not being willing to put forth the effort to fix our very small issues and turning to cheating instead.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland

TooNice said:


> I don't feel as though I didn't play a part in my marriage issues. That would be naive of me. However, *I guess I do "blame" my H for how he handled things. When we would talk about our relationship, he would "talk" with me, but it would be years before he'd fill me in that he had already decided that when our youngest graduated, we would be divorcing. Done. No discussion, no working on it together. He made the decision for us.*
> 
> While I am not blameless, I did not turn to another person when things got tough. I did not rip another person's life out from under them by making a decision that changed everything for them, but little for me. I may have played a part in our marriage problems, but no one deserves to be treated like a dog being kicked to the curb. I do blame him for that.


That is crappy and selfish to the extreme. I hope you find great happiness moving forward.


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## Fenix

TooNice said:


> While I am not blameless, I did not turn to another person when things got tough. I did not rip another person's life out from under them by making a decision that changed everything for them, but little for me. I may have played a part in our marriage problems, but no one deserves to be treated like a dog being kicked to the curb. I do blame him for that.


Exactly. When the partner makes a decision to cheat, or even to walk away *without addressing the problems*, your hands are tied. Yes, everyone contributes to issues in the marriage, but not in the decision to WA or cheat. That is a one person decision.

But, I didn't get the sense that Holland was saying that. My guy had a WAW, and he accepts the blame that he didn't listen when she was trying to say what the issue was. Like the previous explanation, he thoughts things were better. He doesn't seem to have too much problem accepting a portion of blame.


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## SamuraiJack

Fenix said:


> Exactly. When the partner makes a decision to cheat, or even to walk away *without addressing the problems*, your hands are tied. Yes, everyone contributes to issues in the marriage, but not in the decision to WA or cheat. That is a one person decision.
> 
> But, I didn't get the sense that Holland was saying that. My guy had a WAW, and he accepts the blame that he didn't listen when she was trying to say what the issue was. Like the previous explanation, he thoughts things were better. He doesn't seem to have too much problem accepting a portion of blame.


You cant own your problems if you arent given the chance. We live in a no-fault state where all you have to do is petition and be apart for six months.
The partners have NO say in the process.

It's not blameshifting or a refusal to own things...it's simple fact.


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## Chuck71

hope4family said:


> There are moments when I read your posts I have to wonder if you are Conrad pt 2.


After Conrad was banned, I gave him the Yoda moniker 

I am still Luke in Episode 6.... somewhere at the point

where Luke allows to be captured. We speak semi-often

and in my debacle with UG...I did call on Yoda. Never did once

with my D with WC. Did it hurt when UG left....yes it did.

Time will tell....but if you are patient enough......

everything will come to you. Re-connect or end game with UG?

Who knows......


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## Fenix

SamuraiJack said:


> You cant own your problems if you arent given the chance. We live in a no-fault state where all you have to do is petition and be apart for six months.
> The partners have NO say in the process.
> 
> It's not blameshifting or a refusal to own things...it's simple fact.


Right. I agree.

But I still don't think that Holland was saying that.


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## Holland

Fenix said:


> Right. I agree.
> 
> But I still don't think that Holland was saying that.


Correct, if a person gave no indication, no discussion that there was a problem in the relationship then what can you do? 

All I am saying is that many times one person will say that this was a bolt out of the blue when the reality is that they were told there were problems but chose to not do anything about it. That is a person that is not taking any responsibility for where they are in life.


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## TheGoodGuy

Holland said:


> Correct, if a person gave no indication, no discussion that there was a problem in the relationship then what can you do?
> 
> All I am saying is that many times one person will say that this was a bolt out of the blue when the reality is that they were told there were problems but chose to not do anything about it. That is a person that is not taking any responsibility for where they are in life.


I think I fell somewhere in between. My ex did mention problems (as did I) from time to time but in my mind they were relatively minor. We would argue sometimes, come to a consensus (so we thought), and "fix" the problem. The thing is I'm very task oriented and thought I'd checked that one off the list, and moved on with my happy life. Little did I know she would struggle with those "fixes" afterward and never say another word. I never imagined that she would shove all the resentment away and explode by cheating. That's why the situation hit me so hard I think, while she had been brewing for a couple of years and it was easy for the rationalization Hampster to get the best of her. 

She went completely off the freakin deep end after and I realized I may have been able to prolong the marriage, but in the end I think it was inevitable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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