# How does one leave?



## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

I'm feeling very close to leaving my marriage. I'm hurt, burned out, confused and scared. 

We've been together for 15 years and have two children. He is a great man, but has no desire for sex. He rejects my advances, and even after several tries at marriage therapy has pretty much given up. 

We recently tried therapy again. We went for about 6 months, and the therapist pretty much told him that a sexless marriage often ends in divorce. I agree to the things he asked of me. Not to pressure him about sex, to let him have several days a week to spend how he needs to (i.e. play computer games till 2am). 

If I did these things he said he would be more willing to put more effort into the bedroom. What I don't understand is that I've been doing those things for years. Well six months later and I have not once brought up sex or put pressure on him and still no change in our sex life. 

I want to leave. But I don't want to hurt the children. I also just do not know how leave. I just graduated from college last year with a degree in elementary education. But schools in my area are not hiring. I have been looking for a good paying job for the last 12 months both in my field and out of it and have found nothing. I'm working part time as a cashier at minimum wage. 

I have no one I can go to. My dad is dead, I have very little contact with my remaining family expect my sister who has no place for me to go to. IF I was to leave--where do I go? His family will be no help. In fact I'm afraid if I leave they will provide him with a lawyer to sue for total custody. 

I don't want to loose my children, I don't want to hurt them, but I also do not want to live in a sexless marriage any longer.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Let me tell you from one husbands perspective..I was and have not been sexually attracted to my wife for about 4/5 years now..we would have sex less and less until about once a month and finally even less starting in January...he just isn't attracted to you anymore and honestly it is nothing that is wrong with you he just fell out of attraction..I give you props for seeking professional help..you've done your part..now here is what my wife did...she had basically been slowly planning on leaving me for the past 3 1/2 years...saying without 'intimacy' there can be no marriage as you well know...she made sure she would be able to provide for my girls in case she wasn't sure how I would react 3 months ago when she said she wanted out..now I'm a great dad but terrible husband...she has rented a house, taken out a separate bank account of course she makes good money..I love her very much, just not sexually..it's weird to feel like that and she couldn't take it...2 weeks ago I texted her I wanted to file for divorce, she said bring the papers (I just wanted to see her reaction), I said nothing till she emailed me today and said I would be getting divorce papers tomorrow..so plan it out before leaving or live unhappily ever after..good luck


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

I am in a similar situation. I work PT, and do not earn enough to even rent an apartment where I live...rents here are crazy, and have no other permanent options. I do feel stuck in that sense, but also don't want to F**k up my kids, and my one shot at having an intact family, but I don't feel I love my H anymore, and want to be free.There is nothing easy about this, especially when kids are involved.Bur I agree, planning ahead..save money etc. and do what is best for the kids. Read up on divorce and effects on children, and how to make the transition and process as healthy as possible if it should come to that. PUT THE KIDS FIRST. And I don't believe staying in an unhealthy marriage JUST for the kids is best for them either..it is a tough call. Good luck to you.


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## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

In many ways I want to leave. A lot of what is holdig me back, other than the children, is the money. I have so much college loan debt! ANd medical debt. Almost 60K! And in a whole year of job searching all I have found is a part time cashier job at 7.50$ an hour. 

How does one even get a good job anymore? Every penny I make goes paying off my medical bills and my college loan and it is still not enough! I am so frustrated. I thought going to college would help me find a job to get away from him. To start my life over again. But now all it has done is trapped me here longer. 

At the rate I'm going it will nearly 20 years before I could leave him debt free.


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## Lostnotforgotten (Jun 19, 2010)

I'm going to tell you what a very wise couselor told me and I too had a hard time listening. The best thing you can be and show your kids is a good example. Our children do wach us and mirror us in many ways. Seek your happiness always. Life is always hard and sometimes it does get harder. If you decide to leave you and your husand still need to focus on them as parents, the couple stuff is outside the parent stuff.


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