# WAH, OWs & possible Depression or MidlifeCrisis but I still want to Reconcile



## SavingPartyof5

Thank you so much for reading my story & for any advice.

My husband left us on 3/2/15 (& moved in with his parents) He blames me for everything that went wrong with us. We've been married 13y, together 15y & we have 3 young kids (10,8 & 5). Our youngest (our only son) is special needs & we found out 3 yrs ago he has a genetic disorder that they haven't determined yet.

We had a wonderful marriage, one we both took such pride in, passionate & abundant love for each other & the kids (big old lovefest!) The past 3 years have been not so great tho. As I mentioned we discovered our son is special needs, my husband's drinking increased significantly (he's now a recovering alcoholic 18mos sober), his breaking point with drinking came when he got a DUI Oct'12 & lost his license. In Sept'14 he was in a severe car accident which he is still recovering from injuries & he was laid off in Dec'14.

After he left I found out on 3/15 that my husband was having some kind of relations with another woman (he spent the night of his bday 3/14 over her house) After combing the cell bill he & her texted & called all day everyday in the month of Feb. She's a former HS classmate but they never were romantic. She couldn't be more opposite of me.

I was a mess did everything wrong & was so desperate! Then I decided to see how I contributed to the problems in our marriage & started working on myself. I'm in therapy, I've lost 35lbs & been trying to get thru day to day & trying to be as strong as possible for my kids!

A few weeks ago I was contacted by another woman who claims she has had relations with my H for 3yrs! My husband says she was just a friend & she started obsessing over him but after looking at the cell bill again I see he called her 95% of the time everyday for the last year (ok I didn't check everyday, but every where I checked it was everyday). He doesn't give me any answers & just says he forgets...errr! So the current OW is still in the picture & I'm pretty sure by now it's turned physical! 

I know this all sounds horrible & why would I want him back! I love my family, I love my kids & yes I still love my husband. We built a life, we still
had plans & dreams. I just have this belief that we are going to work thru this & like a Phoenix we will rise from the ashes renewed, stronger & better! My husband at his core really is a fantastic man but I believe he is lost, mentally sick, depressed, going thru Midlife Crisis or the affairs are an addiction (he has a very addictive personality). I just want the chance to try but he says he's not coming home & he doesn't want to work on us but he's not seeking divorce either.

Up until last week we were spending every other day together...I was trying to show him we work & we are a family & we are getting along really great! I was giving him a lot of attention, admiration & sending him love emails each night (that's what we did when we were dating) but none of that was working. He snapped at me 2 weeks ago so I decided on a new approach I'd read about...No Contact well with 3 young kids Minimal Contact. 

I don't call, text or email him unless absolutely necessary. At 1st he really turned a corner & was calling & texting more then he has in 2 months. On Mothers Day his Mom said to him she's not going to wait forever, someone else will scoop her up & someone else will be raising your kids. She also said I know you still love her...which he says he does & he's never said to me or anyone that he's not in love with me. He replied to his Mom...I don't think she'll do that! Up to that point I don't think he ever considered that...he's not thinking long term he's just thinking right now. I can see the turmoil inside him, I can see he's struggling with the decision between us or continuing to have his freedom & secret thing with her! It's secret cause in absolutely no way would she be accepted by his family. They are all on the side of him working it out with me. 

Last week he snapped at me again & insulted me for probably the 1st time in our 15yrs together (see we had a great marriage!). The next day he spent with the OW & then the day after was back to calling & texting me. I had read about setting boundaries so I said to him as long as he is choosing to end us & have relations with an OW then I'm choosing not share any of myself with him. I said I can't listen to his complaints (he complains about everything, everyone & nothing is ever his fault! So unlike him to complain so much.) Since I said that he's made minimal contact & he wants solo visits with the kids. 
I think I messed up!!! I felt like I was finally gaining some ground when he was calling & texting more & now I feel like I've taken a major step backward & I don't know what to do!

My only thought is to continue on with Minimal Contact for now hoping he'll miss me & come around.


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## SavingPartyof5

Today H informs me that in our state we just need to be separated for 6 months before he can file for divorce (I thought it was 18mos). He'll be out of the house 3 months on 6/2! 

He hasn't pushed moving to divorce this whole time but now all of sudden today he's in a rush...texting & calling me all day til he finally reached me! I want the opportunity to go to counseling & work through everything to save our family. All I can think is his OW is probably in his ear otherwise why would he want to push having to pay me alimony & child support?!?!


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## SavingPartyof5

Forgot to mention my only saving grace or chance to slow him is he really doesn't want to use lawyers, he wants to go through mediation so we don't spend $$$$ on lawyers.


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## aine

SavingPartyof5 said:


> Forgot to mention my only saving grace or chance to slow him is he really doesn't want to use lawyers, he wants to go through mediation so we don't spend $$$$ on lawyers.


You WH does not have your best interests at heart, are you sure you dont need a lawyer? You should get a lawyer for yourself. Who contributes to the household financially?

There does not appear to be anything to save in this marriage, he is a serial cheater. The OW will find this out soon enough too.

Do all you can to keep yourself strong for yourself and the kids. Go dark on him for now and start doing the 180

Expose him to your/his family and friends. Get some emotional support from your family/friends as you are going to need it


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## Pluto2

He lies to you, betrays you, leaves you, and you want him back.

Why are you "so in love" with someone who treats you with such disrespect?

The thing is, you can't force him to commit to the marriage. You can't nice him back home. You can expose his infidelity and see if you can stop the A(s), and sometimes that helps to guide a WS back to the marriage. And sometimes it doesn't. You being desperate to save the relationship will only result in you being unhappy. 

Could I suggest you move this to Coping with Infidelity section and you will receive a lot of help to try to stop the infidelity and then work on reconciliation. But there's just no way to save a marriage when you tolerate third parties in the marriage.


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