# He has good intentions but doesn’t follow through



## Skookaroo (Jul 12, 2021)

My husband is wonderful. He continues to express a desire to please me and to do things for me, but when I ask him to do specific things that he doesn’t necessarily want to do, he procrastinates them and then forgets them. Lately, I’ve been asking multiple times to do the same thing and after weeks of things I’ve asked for not getting done, I always get to the point where I’m very frustrated and I feel helpless and triggered and I get really upset. He is a busy man, and he has a lot on his plate, and he always uses that as an excuse for not doing things. He says he’s tired and stressed and just needs to rest. I don’t even bother asking him to help with things that I can do myself. I do all the dishes. I do all the laundry. I do all the groceries. I take the garbage out. I tidy up the house. I work a full-time job myself. I’m pregnant in my third trimester with our first child. I specifically ask him to do things that I cannot do for myself or that are difficult for me and easy for him, usually things that wouldn’t even take up much time, like organizing his half of the closet that looks like a tornado blew through it, moving a heavy box filled with a needless item that’s in the entryway of our house, helping me put grippers on the legs of the bed so the bed will stop moving and destroying the wall, hanging a curtain rod for the nursery correctly so it can’t get pulled down, etc. He says he wants to help me any way he can but then he doesn’t do the things I ask??? It makes me feel unloved, helpless, unheard and incredibly confused. He gets upset that I am not more understanding when I finally break down about the situation. Usually he will eventually express that he will try to do better in the future, but the problem always returns. I need a partner I can rely on, especially as we enter parenthood. I feel scared. How do I proceed?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Hire someone to do the physical jobs that you can’t do yourself. It will either embarrass him, make him mad or else he will agree with your decision. 
Either way the jobs get done.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> Hire someone to do the physical jobs that you can’t do yourself. It will either embarrass him, make him mad or else he will agree with your decision.
> Either way the jobs get done.


That’s a really good solution. Those handyman for a day guys are for hire everywhere these days.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Have you told him that you are afraid of parenting with him since he can't even manage to move a box? You can't trust him to do what he says he will do.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Skookaroo said:


> How do I proceed?


I'll confess that much of my marriage that I as a husband find myself guilty of the same things as your husband. I think the problem mostly comes from the fact that your husband genuinely wants to make you happy, but he lacks the ability to identify his limitations and tell you what you need to hear.

An example is that you might need help hanging something up on the wall. He says he will do it, but then he never gets to it. From your husband's perspective a seemingly simple task can quickly become overwhelming when your things/tools are unorganized and it is easier to go purchase a new hammer and nails as opposed to using the half dozen hammers lost around the house. It becomes an exercise in futility because going through one's tools might emphasize that your tools are homeless and that all the storage space in your home has been designated to someone else. Perhaps you as a wife are guilty of finding things in the house that have no home and dumping it on top of all your husband's things that have no home. 

...so one way to end this cycle is to help your husband organize his things. Make sure all his things have a home in your home. Help him becomes more disciplined at returning things to where they go once his things have a designated area that you helped him organize. 

See if some things no longer spark joy and can be thrown away!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

badsanta said:


> I'll confess that much of my marriage that I as a husband find myself guilty of the same things as your husband. I think the problem mostly comes from the fact that your husband genuinely wants to make you happy, but he lacks the ability to identify his limitations and tell you what you need to hear.
> 
> An example is that you might need help hanging something up on the wall. He says he will do it, but then he never gets to it. From your husband's perspective a seemingly simple task can quickly become overwhelming when your things/tools are unorganized and it is easier to go purchase a new hammer and nails as opposed to using the half dozen hammers lost around the house. It becomes an exercise in futility because going through one's tools might emphasize that your tools are homeless and that all the storage space in your home has been designated to someone else. Perhaps you as a wife are guilty of finding things in the house that have no home and dumping it on top of all your husband's things that have no home.
> 
> ...


Dude ... she is pregnant AF. I doubt she wants to clean up all his junk.


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## Skookaroo (Jul 12, 2021)

badsanta said:


> I'll confess that much of my marriage that I as a husband find myself guilty of the same things as your husband. I think the problem mostly comes from the fact that your husband genuinely wants to make you happy, but he lacks the ability to identify his limitations and tell you what you need to hear.
> 
> An example is that you might need help hanging something up on the wall. He says he will do it, but then he never gets to it. From your husband's perspective a seemingly simple task can quickly become overwhelming when your things/tools are unorganized and it is easier to go purchase a new hammer and nails as opposed to using the half dozen hammers lost around the house. It becomes an exercise in futility because going through one's tools might emphasize that your tools are homeless and that all the storage space in your home has been designated to someone else. Perhaps you as a wife are guilty of finding things in the house that have no home and dumping it on top of all your husband's things that have no home.
> 
> ...


Thank you for reading and offering some advice! However, I assure you this is not the issue. We recently bought a house that needs a lot of work, and the first thing that we fixed up was the garage so that he would have a clean, open and organized space to work in in order to do projects on the rest of the house. My dad built him a workbench and installed a bunch of shelving. We installed lighting and outlets. We painted and repaired tape that was falling from the ceiling. We just got a Toolchest, and I bought bins to organize everything in the garage and get it out of the way. It’s actually in really good shape at this point and things are easy for him to find. He is handy and enjoys projects, just not the ones I ask him to do. He spent all the daylight hours Saturday working on a cabinet for the laundry room (which I appreciate, but never asked him to do for me) but he did that instead of the 4 simple things I asked him to do.


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## Skookaroo (Jul 12, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Have you told him that you are afraid of parenting with him since he can't even manage to move a box? You can't trust him to do what he says he will do.


I have said more than once that I want to be able to trust him when he says he will do something for me but I dont and that it makes me insecure and anxious when he doesn’t follow through on things (and that is demonstrated when I break down after the Xth time of reminding him to do something he still hasn’t done) but he takes it personally when I inevitably get upset. He says he’s tired and stressed and I should be more understanding. He works long hours with a lot of responsibility, so I understand that he is tired and stressed, but to me it’s not an excuse to not follow through on commitments. 😭😭😭 especially when he’s frequently asking how he can help me. I’m like…??? Do the things I’ve already mentioned 4 times??? I feel like I’m going crazy


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> Dude ... she is pregnant AF. I doubt she wants to clean up all his junk.


But all this doesn't exist in the last 6 months. Sounds like in going long term. Husband should of course help his pregnant AF wife, but it's likely the issues don't only pertain to her being pregnant time frame.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Have you told him that you are afraid of parenting with him since he can't even manage to move a box? You can't trust him to do what he says he will do.


I kind of think he did move that box at some point. 🙂🙂


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

This is a battle you aren't going to win, at least not in the way you might want to. You cannot change him and unfortunately you've learned that he will overcommit to doing something and then not follow his word. (Hopefully he is not like this with everything else?)

The only thing you can do is remove your anger over it, and in order to do that you need to figure out a way to get the things done without having to talk to him about it. This is especially important before the baby arrives because you already have resentment over this, and it will likely boil over when you are sleep deprived and under the stress of figuring out new motherhood. 

Can you hire someone to help? Either a handyman or a maid/nanny to help take some of the load off?

Do you have any family that can help?

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Let him know that you feel his words are empty because his actions tell you that he only wants to do what he wants to do — not what you need for him to do.


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## Skookaroo (Jul 12, 2021)

I eventually angrily moved the box myself (yesterday). It was heavy.


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## Skookaroo (Jul 12, 2021)

kag123 said:


> This is a battle you aren't going to win, at least not in the way you might want to. You cannot change him and unfortunately you've learned that he will overcommit to doing something and then not follow his word. (Hopefully he is not like this with everything else?)
> 
> The only thing you can do is remove your anger over it, and in order to do that you need to figure out a way to get the things done without having to talk to him about it. This is especially important before the baby arrives because you already have resentment over this, and it will likely boil over when you are sleep deprived and under the stress of figuring out new motherhood.
> 
> ...


We cannot afford even our bills at the moment. Obviously this adds to the anxiety.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Skookaroo said:


> I eventually angrily moved the box myself (yesterday). It was heavy.


That's an answer. 
Just be sure not to hurt yourself. If you or baby get injured, all this other stuff will immediately become less critical. 

Hang in there!


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## MEA (Jul 12, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> Hire someone to do the physical jobs that you can’t do yourself. It will either embarrass him, make him mad or else he will agree with your decision.
> Either way the jobs get done.


This!!!^^^
Early in my marriage, my stepsons created enormous messes. Not just stuff, but slime, boogers, urine, mud (even on walls). I told my husband that he needs to parent his children, which includes making them clean their own messes, because I didn’t get married to be someone’s slave. 
He was not effective at teaching his sons how to be more considerate of a shared environment, so I hired a maid service. The maids came the day after every single visitation, and husband gladly paid for it,
In the end, we were both happy, because for him it was more desirable to pay maids than to undo his ex wife’s piss-poor (pun intended) parenting… and I was happy because I just wanted the house as clean as it was beforehand, and it didn’t matter to me how it happened as long as I was no longer involved in it.
Maybe your husband would rather pay someone else to do the things he doesn’t want to or doesn’t perceive he has the time to do.
If he has a problem paying someone then he needs to do the work himself, because at that point you could argue that his main goal is to simply deprive you of peace, rest, joy, and happiness.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Skookaroo said:


> He spent all the daylight hours Saturday working on a cabinet for the laundry room (which I appreciate, but never asked him to do for me) but he did that instead of the 4 simple things I asked him to do.


Sorry, that does sound frustrating. 

Another thought that may help is the idea that he may plan his day and have a difficult time shifting/interrupting those plans to complete simple tasks. So perhaps you can try using something that software programmers use to help them visualize, plan, and group tasks efficiently. This would be a board kept somewhere in the house that has three panels. Panel 1) equals things that need to be done. Panel 2) equals things currently planned for the day. Panel 3) equals recently completed tasks. The idea is that as a partner something like this will help you visualize and see how he is planning his day. If you have placed tasks on the board that he has agreed to do, he will be reminded that he needs to plan them and get them done. 

The above can be useful in the event he is someone that loses track of the things that need to be done. This might help!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Mr.Married said:


> Dude ... she is pregnant AF. I doubt she wants to clean up all his junk.


I missed that the OP is pregnant AF. Generally speaking when women are pregnant AF they actually do tend to go through the entire house emptying and sorting drawers. It is part of a "nesting phase." This could be creating some odd dynamics in the house of stuff needing to get done fast AF before the baby arrives. 









Nesting Instinct During Pregnancy: What It Is and When It Starts







www.whattoexpect.com




.

I've actually had friends of mine with pregnant AF wives talk about this with eyes open in total disbelief. As in, "I sat and watched her organize the closet three times!"

Notice the OP has actually mentioned closets in this thread. Perhaps part of that pregnant AF instinct!


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## Skookaroo (Jul 12, 2021)

badsanta said:


> I missed that the OP is pregnant AF. Generally speaking when women are pregnant AF they actually do tend to go through the entire house emptying and sorting drawers. It is part of a "nesting phase." This could be creating some odd dynamics in the house of stuff needing to get done fast AF before the baby arrives.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


My closet mention doesn’t have to do with nesting. More with the fact that I got him a chest of drawers to help him organize his mound of clothes and one of the drawers was pulled out (??) and put on top of boxes that held cat items, so it was still a mound of clothes, just now in and on a chest of drawers so not only did it look out of control (very stressful for me) but I also couldn’t reach the cat food to feed our cat.

But it’s true that I do feel an urgency to get our house in order. I am very stressed about it and doing what I can to get ready before I can’t go up and down the stairs easily and am exhausted all the time. He doesn’t seem to feel the urgency of having things settled before baby comes.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Skookaroo said:


> He is a busy man, and he has a lot on his plate, and he always uses that as an excuse for not doing things. He says he’s tired and stressed and just needs to rest.


What you call an excuse, I call a reason.

But, why does he work soooo hard? Is he a naturally highly driven person working to build something great that everyone will benefit from in the future, or is he toiling to maintain an exaggerated lifestyle....other?


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## Skookaroo (Jul 12, 2021)

badsanta said:


> Sorry, that does sound frustrating.
> 
> Another thought that may help is the idea that he may plan his day and have a difficult time shifting/interrupting those plans to complete simple tasks. So perhaps you can try using something that software programmers use to help them visualize, plan, and group tasks efficiently. This would be a board kept somewhere in the house that has three panels. Panel 1) equals things that need to be done. Panel 2) equals things currently planned for the day. Panel 3) equals recently completed tasks. The idea is that as a partner something like this will help you visualize and see how he is planning his day. If you have placed tasks on the board that he has agreed to do, he will be reminded that he needs to plan them and get them done.
> 
> The above can be useful in the event he is someone that loses track of the things that need to be done. This might help!


To avoid nagging, confrontation, and continued resentment on both sides, I have asked him to come up with a system that works for him (since I haven’t found success with any of my ideas) so I can request tasks be done and I don’t have to ask multiple times and he can do them whenever it is convenient for him but within a reasonable timeframe. He has yet to provide such a system.


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## Skookaroo (Jul 12, 2021)

OnTheFly said:


> What you call an excuse, I call a reason.
> 
> But, why does he work soooo hard? Is he a naturally highly driven person working to build something great that everyone will benefit from in the future, or is he toiling to maintain an exaggerated lifestyle....other?


He is very ambitious and owns a business, and because of circumstances, it’s struggling currently. He does work really hard. And I know it’s not just physical work. It’s also a lot of mental work. I know that it’s exhausting for him, and I certainly feel for him. But I call it an excuse because he knows that he’s busy and stressed but he still commits to doing things and then doesn’t follow through. “I will do it tomorrow” and then two weeks go by. I know if I were to ask someone else to help me with these things, he would probably get pretty upset. He wants to help. And he has the time. Moving a box and hanging a curtain rod are not time suckers. He would feel incredibly embarrassed if I ask my dad or brother to do things that my husband could and should be doing. But then he just doesn’t do them. And it leaves me feeling stuck and miserable.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Write out a list with top priority item first. Hang it with your wall calendar. When he asks if he can help, point him to the list. When it's time to turn the calendar page and he still hasn't done it, ask your dad or brother. Give him a week or two to accomplish the task.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Skookaroo said:


> My husband is wonderful. He continues to express a desire to please me and to do things for me, but when I ask him to do specific things that he doesn’t necessarily want to do, he procrastinates them and then forgets them. Lately, I’ve been asking multiple times to do the same thing and after weeks of things I’ve asked for not getting done, I always get to the point where I’m very frustrated and I feel helpless and triggered and I get really upset. He is a busy man, and he has a lot on his plate, and he always uses that as an excuse for not doing things. He says he’s tired and stressed and just needs to rest. I don’t even bother asking him to help with things that I can do myself. I do all the dishes. I do all the laundry. I do all the groceries. I take the garbage out. I tidy up the house. I work a full-time job myself. I’m pregnant in my third trimester with our first child. I specifically ask him to do things that I cannot do for myself or that are difficult for me and easy for him, usually things that wouldn’t even take up much time, like organizing his half of the closet that looks like a tornado blew through it, moving a heavy box filled with a needless item that’s in the entryway of our house, helping me put grippers on the legs of the bed so the bed will stop moving and destroying the wall, hanging a curtain rod for the nursery correctly so it can’t get pulled down, etc. He says he wants to help me any way he can but then he doesn’t do the things I ask??? It makes me feel unloved, helpless, unheard and incredibly confused. He gets upset that I am not more understanding when I finally break down about the situation. Usually he will eventually express that he will try to do better in the future, but the problem always returns. I need a partner I can rely on, especially as we enter parenthood. I feel scared. How do I proceed?


He's all talk, no action. I think you need to find yourself a good handyman and let him pay the bill or at least split it with you.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He's all talk, no action. I think you need to find yourself a good handyman and let him pay the bill or at least split it with you.



OP I don't care if he'd find your dad helping embarrassing. Having one of your male relatives help you with heavy stuff or hanging the curtain is a great compromise. It costs nothing. It gets done, it takes the pressure off of him and in the long run he'll learn if he doesn't want you to ask your dad then he'll find the time to help.

You'll have to let his closet go...

You are already carrying a load. You work and you do all the household things. You should feel bad about asking your dad or brother for help.

Also try timing. Like the day he was working on the cabinet and he took a lunch break. At that point after he's eaten say hey could you move this box. Then if he say I was working on the cabinet you say sure but this will only take a minute.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, your husband offers to help and then doesn't actually help. That tells me that he wants credit for helping, wants kudos for doing his share. What he doesn't want to do is the actual tasks that would help you. He'd rather do the things that interest him, instead.

So, I suggest that you continue to ask him to do what you need done. When he doesn't do it - and it appears from what you've said that he won't - get your dad or brother to help instead. Don't be nasty, naggy, or sulky about it. Just call up Dad and ask him if you can get him to do X. If he asks why your husband isn't doing X, just tell him that your husband is tied up with [insert husband's current focus here]. If your husband asks why you called your dad when he "was going to do X", just tell him that you know he's tied up with [insert husband's current focus here] or that you know he's too tired to do it himself. 

Keep your tone bright and cheerful, no accusations, no resentment, no complaints about your husband or his inability to follow through. Just a simple, smiling, statement of fact. Your husband is too busy to do X. So your Dad/Brother are doing it instead. Thanks, Dad! 

If that pisses your husband off, then so be it. He'll either figure out a way to do things himself, or he'll continue letting your family help out. Either way, stuff gets done without you waiting, perhaps forever, for your husband to perform tasks that he clearly isn't really interested in actually doing.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

One thing I find myself wondering is you mentioned your dad helped fix up the garage.

Is one element here that you want your husband to do it because you want him to be handy? If you hired someone else to do the tasks does that make you think less of him? I’m pretty sure some women look for “handiness” as a trait they want.

As for getting your spouse to do something they don’t want to do, nagging doesn’t work and will have the opposite effect at least on me.

Shame works well on me, and a few people suggested that. However if he already saw his pregnant wife moving a heavy box and didn’t take over well... maybe shame isn’t going to work on him either.

Another idea is to do it together. Do a “c’mon you, we’re going to hang this towel bar and after we will go get a coffee”. So get him started off on a task and then have a reward at the end that you can enjoy together.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

The man sounds pretty handy if he's building cabinets, etc.

It sounds a little passive aggressive, to me. Passive aggressive behavior is when you don't do things you say you are going to do as a way of gaining control. It's being aggressive, in a passive (not doing) way.


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## Skookaroo (Jul 12, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> One thing I find myself wondering is you mentioned your dad helped fix up the garage.
> 
> Is one element here that you want your husband to do it because you want him to be handy? If you hired someone else to do the tasks does that make you think less of him? I’m pretty sure some women look for “handiness” as a trait they want.


Sure, I want him to be handy, but the truth is he IS extremely handy. He is super capable and likes figuring out how to do and fix things — just on his schedule (so "tomorrow" according to him when I ask but who knows when) and only the things he is interested in; meanwhile, he keeps saying "I want to help you. I want to make you happy. Tell me what you need done, and I will do it." I know he means it when he says it, but it doesn't ring true. Sometimes I'll even try to do something myself and he doesn't want me to do it, so he says he will and then he doesn't so I just have to do it myself later. For instance, there was some jagged metal inside a metal box I am frequently using. It was extremely sharp. I cut myself twice on it, drawing blood. I asked him where sandpaper was so I could sand it down and make it safe to prevent a third cut. He said, "Oh yeah, I need to do that." Then sat on the couch. Two days later, I found the sandpaper and did it myself. I really don't understand that behavior at all.



ccpowerslave said:


> Another idea is to do it together. Do a “c’mon you, we’re going to hang this towel bar and after we will go get a coffee”. So get him started off on a task and then have a reward at the end that you can enjoy together.


I don't think I should spend time and effort coming up with bribes and rewards for completing simple tasks. He's a grown man. Can't I simply ask a partner to do a task, especially when I'm literally doing everything else in the home?



ccpowerslave said:


> Shame works well on me, and a few people suggested that. However if he already saw his pregnant wife moving a heavy box and didn’t take over well... maybe shame isn’t going to work on him either.


He didn't see me move the box. I did it while he was away and expressed my displeasure about it later. Of course, he immediately thought I was crying about a box and thought I was crazy. I had to keep repeating: *It's not about the box*. It's about a *pattern* of behavior. It's about trust. It's about communication. It's about being a team. It's about love. This has caused a lot of anxiety for me and harmed our relationship. He thinks I need to be understanding and learn how to roll with the punches (i.e., be OK with continually having my wishes neglected and being cluttered, unsettled and disorganized (which is NOT me)).


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Skookaroo said:


> I don't think I should spend time and effort coming up with bribes and rewards for completing simple tasks. He's a grown man. Can't I simply ask a partner to do a task, especially when I'm literally doing everything else in the home?


You can and you see how well it has been working. I offered another idea to try and prompt him to action that isn’t just asking or doing the task yourself after he fails.

So what you’re doing now isn’t working, what are the other options?


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## Skookaroo (Jul 12, 2021)

Rowan said:


> OP, your husband offers to help and then doesn't actually help. That tells me that he wants credit for helping, wants kudos for doing his share. What he doesn't want to do is the actual tasks that would help you. He'd rather do the things that interest him, instead.
> 
> So, I suggest that you continue to ask him to do what you need done. When he doesn't do it - and it appears from what you've said that he won't - get your dad or brother to help instead. Don't be nasty, naggy, or sulky about it. Just call up Dad and ask him if you can get him to do X. If he asks why your husband isn't doing X, just tell him that your husband is tied up with [insert husband's current focus here]. If your husband asks why you called your dad when he "was going to do X", just tell him that you know he's tied up with [insert husband's current focus here] or that you know he's too tired to do it himself.
> 
> ...


I actually really like this solution, and feel like it's doable for us. I don't want to be nasty/naggy, and it's been very upsetting that I can't seem to get my needs taken care of without having a breakdown and argument. I want to handle this in a way where we can both be happy and everyone is afforded respect. Thank you. I love him so much.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

My wife will simply call a handy man or contractor if I repeatedly fail to get something done. She doesn’t care if we have the money or not. She won’t bother getting competitive quotes either. If she likes/trusts them they’re hired. The thought of some guy working on my stuff at a premium rate is highly motivating that I’ll stay up late and do the job so I can cancel the service call. There’s been times too where I fail to get it fixed and after much cussing/troubleshooting the service call is a welcome relief.

I have a dry erase board where I keep my maintenance and honey-do lists. I’ve learned to prioritize unworking things over my pet projects. I wanted to wax my boat last weekend but fixed a broken outdoor faucet and did some weed eating instead (her idea).


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

My wife recently asked “are you strong enough to lift this” and I immediately jumped on the task without my usual (mostly internal) grumbling. Very clever girl...


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## Skookaroo (Jul 12, 2021)

CatholicDad said:


> My wife will simply call a handy man or contractor if I repeatedly fail to get something done. She doesn’t care if we have the money or not. She won’t bother getting competitive quotes either. If she likes/trusts them they’re hired. The thought of some guy working on my stuff at a premium rate is highly motivating that I’ll stay up late and do the job so I can cancel the service call. There’s been times too where I fail to get it fixed and after much cussing/troubleshooting the service call is a welcome relief.
> 
> I have a dry erase board where I keep my maintenance and honey-do lists. I’ve learned to prioritize unworking things over my pet projects. I wanted to wax my boat last weekend but fixed a broken outdoor faucet and did some weed eating instead (her idea).


This seems like a pretty great system, and you seem like a good dude to prioritize home fixes over pet projects. My only concern if I were to implement that is that I'm the one financially keeping us afloat right now, and barely so. I'm also the one more organized and concerned with money, so it would really just put even more stress on me. I can't stomach the thought of hiring someone to do simple tasks considering our finances. Thanks for the input.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I almost suggested asking your dad to do it. It’s possible he gets pissed at some point or maybe he likes it, highly depends on how he is.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Skookaroo said:


> This seems like a pretty great system, and you seem like a good dude to prioritize home fixes over pet projects. My only concern if I were to implement that is that I'm the one financially keeping us afloat right now, and barely so. I'm also the one more organized and concerned with money, so it would really just put even more stress on me. I can't stomach the thought of hiring someone to do simple tasks considering our finances. Thanks for the input.


I think asking your dad is a great compromise but in the end you two also need to learn how to communicate. It appears you are trying but he isn't listening.

This almost always leads to resentment and then the eventual breakdown of the marriage. I don't know how to get him to understand how frustrating it is to be dismissed and ignored when you are doing your share of the team work and he's just off in la la land. 

I would try to work on this communication while it's still a new frustration. With a child coming it can compound quickly.

20 years from now he'll be here going.... I thought we had a good marriage she would occasionally complain about xyz but we didn't really argue and we had good sex so I don't know why she left me......

SURVIVING DIVORCE
*5 Characteristics Of a “Walk-Away Spouse”*
FEBRUARY 19, 2019
BY CATHY MEYER, MASTER CERTIFIED COACH



Emotional Divorce is a psychological mechanism some spouses use when they feel the marriage has become a threat to their well-being. The “walk-away spouse,” in most situations has already emotionally divorced themselves from their marriage and relationship.
When you divorce yourself emotionally from your spouse, you have separated your emotions from the marriage. For some spouses, this happens before the divorce. For others, it doesn’t happen until after the divorce process.
Most divorces are one-sided. Very rarely, will a couple sit down and come to the decision to divorce, together. There is almost always a “walk-away spouse.”

Normally a spouse who has already separated himself /herself emotionally from the marriage wants the divorce. That spouse has gone through an “emotional divorce” and now needs to be unattached legally from their spouse.
Some spouses struggle for years with feelings of emotional distance before they come to the conclusion that divorce is the solution to the marital problems or the way they are feeling emotionally.
*These spouses are commonly referred to as a “walk-away spouse.”*
A walk-away spouse may become emotionally detached for a variety of reasons. Most commonly detaching emotionally from the marriage and spouse is a mentally assertive way of allowing the spouse to maintain boundaries when they feel they are being hurt or the marriage has become unsafe for them.


Emotionally divorcing a spouse helps a person maintain a sense of psychological integrity if faced with what they feel is an emotionally demanding situation.
Basically, emotional divorce comes before legal divorce for some because they’ve felt the need to withdraw and protect themselves from problems in the marriage.
The spouse who is left to deal with her/his emotions after the legal divorce is commonly referred to as the “left behind spouse.” No matter which role you find yourself playing, you have to come to grips with the end of your marriage and begin to view yourself as a separate individual, no longer a husband/wife.
Either gender can emotionally divorce themselves from the marriage but, it is more common in women.

*Characteristics of a “walk-away spouse”*

Uncommunicative after spending years trying to communicate frustrations.
Cold and distant. Finally given up, no longer interested in working on the marriage.
Spends large amounts of time away from home to escape an unhappy marriage.
Irritable and impatient. Resents spouse’s attempts to save the marriage.
Wants the divorce process to move along quickly.
*Characteristics of a left behind spouse*

Shock, he/she had no idea there were problems in the marriage.
Looking for ways to save the marriage.
Becomes clingy, often begging and pleading for another chance.
Exhibits bizarre behavior such as stalking and harassing.
Feelings of anxiety and fear about the future and being single again.
Tries anything to delay the divorce process and cling to their marriage and spouse.

Now if I could tell you how to break through this communication error I'd be rich.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Skookaroo My late father, bless him, was exactly the same.

He was always going to do something. But usually didn't. We realised that if he thought about doing something, as far as he was concerned, it was done.

For example he was going to replace and repair some rotted wood by the back door. He was going to fix the front door. He was going to varnish the wood on the side of the house. He was going to fix the back gate. He was going to fit a pull cord for the light switch in the toilet. He was going to fix the leak in the toilet cistern. He was going to revarnish the dining table. But he never got around to any of it. 

I was in my teens I had no clue about any of that stuff but I went into a hardware shop and bought some stuff to fix the rotted wood and I replaced the missing piece of wood with an offcut I found. I fixed the front door. I varnished the wood on the side of the house, I fitted the pull cord for the light in the toilet, I fixed the leak and I revarnished the dining table. My brother (who actually excelled at woodwork in school) actually made a new back gate using a salvaged pallet.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Anastasia6 said:


> *I don't know how to get him to understand *how frustrating it is to be dismissed and ignored when you are doing your share of the team work and he's just off in la la land.


I do. When he asks what time is dinner, tell him 'manana'. Two can play his game and that's what it is - a game. He talks a good game and then immediately puts it out of his mind because he knows it will get done without him. Then he feigns ignorance when called on it. He isn't held accountable and needs to feel a bit of frustration himself to get the message. 

He wouldn't put up with his crap from an employee for a New York minute.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> @Skookaroo My late father, bless him, was exactly the same.
> 
> He was always going to do something. But usually didn't. We realised that if he thought about doing something, as far as he was concerned, it was done.
> 
> ...


My dad could do a lot of things but what he liked to do was body work on cars for his hobby and he was very single-minded about it.
The house I grew up in he supposedly built. And it was a real good ranch House, but he never did put a proper back door on it. It was this rickety old wooden door that didn't fit right and had no lock or anything on it. You basically pushed it open. Our Chihuahua could open and close it. I asked him more than once if he was ever going to fix that door where it locked because I was kind of paranoid about it. But he just didn't see any reason to.

But now if I wrecked the car or something he was all over that.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> Hire someone to do the physical jobs that you can’t do yourself. It will either embarrass him, make him mad or else he will agree with your decision.
> Either way the jobs get done.


My ex husband was the same so I'd do this for anything that annoyed me. It worked for a while until I kind of got fed up with fixing all those things too. I'd try to say they were important to me, I tried to brush them off as unimportant, until I realised I was still fixing everything. Most people make time for what's important to them. 

He may be tired and stressed, try reducing the list significantly but tell him a couple of quick and important ones you need so he's not overwhelmed and can have a chance of successfully doing something for you.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I'm going to tell you what I tell every other woman with the SAME complaint about these lazy ass men who just think their mommy-wives should do everything.

You work a full-time job and even more, you're heavily pregnant! You're doing *90% *of the domestic chores at home already - and when you can get his lazy ass off the couch to do his paltry 10% - you think he's done YOU some great big favor.

May I ask why this poor beast of burden is "sooooooooooooo tired," yet thinks it's perfectly fine for YOU to do all the heavy lifting? What kind of ass is so damned selfish that he's going to cry how tired he is and looks to his heavily pregnant wife to carry the ball? Yeah, this guy is real "wonderful." Good lord.

He's not "wonderful" at all. He's an ungrateful jackass who needs to start doing his damned *share*.

You both work, you BOTH have a *50% share* of the domestic chores - PERIOD. Stop cooking and cleaning and doing this jerk's laundry and see how "wonderful" he becomes.


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## Skookaroo (Jul 12, 2021)

We had a blow up today over the fact that he still hasn’t sent me my maternity photos, which he took over four months ago now. I’ve been asking for them over and over and he hasn’t sent them because he hasn’t edited them yet. “I just need my sisters computer and 15 minutes.” “I’ll get it done this weekend” I said “ok but if you don’t” — “I will!!” He interjects. “Ok but if you don’t I want the unedited photos and I’ll find someone to edit them.” The next weekend, his sister was over much of the weekend “I’ll get it done tonight” and the next day “it’ll be done tonight” and the next day.

Hurt and disappointed and with the fact that he brought me storebought stuff for Valentine’s and still neglects what I’ve actually been asking for over and over, I got upset today when I asked for the photos NOW and he told me his sister has the sd card and he can’t send me the unedited photos. I had tried to accept the fact that he doesn’t hear me and understand my needs and doesn’t follow through but he won’t even meet me halfway.

i don’t believe he will do any thing he tells me he will do if that thing isn’t as much of a priority to him as it is to me no matter how much I communicate, and I’m struggling to figure out how to function in a relationship like that. 😢


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## 24NitroglyceriN26 (11 mo ago)

Skookaroo said:


> My husband is wonderful. He continues to express a desire to please me and to do things for me, but when I ask him to do specific things that he doesn’t necessarily want to do, he procrastinates them and then forgets them. Lately, I’ve been asking multiple times to do the same thing and after weeks of things I’ve asked for not getting done, I always get to the point where I’m very frustrated and I feel helpless and triggered and I get really upset. He is a busy man, and he has a lot on his plate, and he always uses that as an excuse for not doing things. He says he’s tired and stressed and just needs to rest. I don’t even bother asking him to help with things that I can do myself. I do all the dishes. I do all the laundry. I do all the groceries. I take the garbage out. I tidy up the house. I work a full-time job myself. I’m pregnant in my third trimester with our first child. I specifically ask him to do things that I cannot do for myself or that are difficult for me and easy for him, usually things that wouldn’t even take up much time, like organizing his half of the closet that looks like a tornado blew through it, moving a heavy box filled with a needless item that’s in the entryway of our house, helping me put grippers on the legs of the bed so the bed will stop moving and destroying the wall, hanging a curtain rod for the nursery correctly so it can’t get pulled down, etc. He says he wants to help me any way he can but then he doesn’t do the things I ask??? It makes me feel unloved, helpless, unheard and incredibly confused. He gets upset that I am not more understanding when I finally break down about the situation. Usually he will eventually express that he will try to do better in the future, but the problem always returns. I need a partner I can rely on, especially as we enter parenthood. I feel scared. How do I proceed?


Enable him and his desires and it will pay you huge rewards. Do not look what others do or what they say. Keeping track of what you do or what he does not is God's role. I would tell you something fake like you poor thing but you should know the truth.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> Hire someone to do the physical jobs that you can’t do yourself. It will either embarrass him, make him mad or else he will agree with your decision.
> Either way the jobs get done.


OP,

This is the only answer. Take it to heart. Don't stress.


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