# How to get wife to forgive



## cc80man (Jun 8, 2016)

The background. This is both of our second marriage. I was dumped and she was the one who dumped her husband. My ex wife and I live in same town relatively close and we co parent. Her ex husband moved to Florida so I had her older kids with me full time and I love them like my own and my kids lover her like a mom. I have never been overly mean to her but in the beginning I could be viewed as guarded and wasnt overly affectionate and I would often do things for my ex wife because it was the least path of resistance. She told me over and over that it hurt, but for some reason I was worried about making it easy on kids. I have done plenty in our relationship to warrant where we are at. Well her 2 kids are graduated and out of the house. She tells me that she is done emotionally as she has asked for so long and I did not fill up her tank. I am at a place now where I can fully commit and her question to me is Why Now? I dont know why now, I just know that I can. Every day I try to do something for her, we go on dates regularly, plays, wineries etc but at the end of the night she still sleeps in the other bedroom. We are going to counseling, but that seems like we just end up yelling at each other. I know I hurt her, but I didnt cheat or anything and my intentions were never to hurt her. HELP, Dumb Guy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are some books that can teach you want you can do..

"Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs".

It might be too late for your current relationship, or it might not. But if you learn what these book teach, and live by them, you will have a much better chance of a good relationship.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

cc80man said:


> Well her 2 kids are graduated and out of the house. She tells me that she is done emotionally as she has asked for so long and I did not fill up her tank. I am at a place now where I can fully commit and her question to me is Why Now? I dont know why now, I just know that I can. Every day I try to do something for her, we go on dates regularly, plays, wineries etc but at the end of the night she still sleeps in the other bedroom.


Sounds like she has been checked out for years and USED you (for financial reasons or otherwise) until the kids were old enough to leave the house.

If this is the case then I think she has acted as badly as you have. It's probably unlikely she will check back in and in fact likely she will turn into a WAW.

You're not going to nice your way out of this mess. In fact, it just repels her more. I'd attempt HEAVY counseling, individual AND group and pray she wants to try.


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## mindbodysoulthrive (Jun 8, 2016)

Hello,

If she's worth it to you, don't stop trying and don't give up hope! I guess I'm always looking for the happy ending!

My background. After 13 years of marriage, my husband and I struggled the past few years to the point that both of us have considered ending it. 

We genuinely love each other so much that we just can't seem to go our separate ways but also, we can't seem to coexist harmoniously together either. 

After a lot of reading and researching, I finally figured out that it was the few big things (that compounded over the years) which we brushed under the rug and never addressed. Then all the little things which used to be cute and sweet became annoying and frustrating. 

What caused problems in my marriage appear to be common in most marriages that are struggling. With this new perspective, I was finally able to admit and take responsibility for my part in it especially the part about "money" & "control" out of fear... 

I wrote a long letter/report of how these problems applied to my situation. I called it "What Happened to My Dream?" and it's posted @ Sendlane. Or you can go directly to this counselor's website: http://mindbodysoulthrive.clkpfct.com/go/savethemarriage. He's been happily married for 30+ years and has solid practical advice (not manipulation tactics). 

It's taking time for me but it's been worth it to fight for my marriage because in my heart, I know that my husband is a really good man and our marriage is worth it to me. I have faith that one day (hopefully in the near future), we will finally get back to living harmoniously together again!

I wish you the very best in saving your marriage! 

Smile,
Linda


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## cc80man (Jun 8, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> Sounds like she has been checked out for years and USED you (for financial reasons or otherwise) until the kids were old enough to leave the house.
> 
> If this is the case then I think she has acted as badly as you have. It's probably unlikely she will check back in and in fact likely she will turn into a WAW.
> 
> You're not going to nice your way out of this mess. In fact, it just repels her more. I'd attempt HEAVY counseling, individual AND group and pray she wants to try.


She makes 100K and I dontthink her kids were a factor as they both come home all the time.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> Sounds like she has been checked out for years and USED you (for financial reasons or otherwise) until the kids were old enough to leave the house.
> 
> If this is the case then I think she has acted as badly as you have. It's probably unlikely she will check back in and in fact likely she will turn into a WAW.
> 
> You're not going to nice your way out of this mess. In fact, it just repels her more. I'd attempt HEAVY counseling, individual AND group and pray she wants to try.


Yeah, she has a lot of nerve to have checked out while he showed little affection snd kissed his ex wife's arse.

She should be on her back grateful that he's now "ready" to fully commit.

Maybe he shouldn't have gotten married if he wasn't ready to be a hb.

And on what do you base the assumption that she was using him financially? I don't see where he's said she didn't work or couldn't support herself. 


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cc80man (Jun 8, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Yeah, she has a lot of nerve to have checked out while he showed little affection snd kissed his ex wife's arse.
> 
> She should be on her back grateful that he's now "ready" to fully commit.
> 
> ...


Im fully capable in this. I never wanted my ex wife back(it was a way to keep her from *****ing at me) and I truly have always loved my wife from day one, I just sucked at being a husband.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

cc80man said:


> Im fully capable in this. I never wanted my ex wife back(it was a way to keep her from *****ing at me) and I truly have always loved my wife from day one, I just sucked at being a husband.


Oh I know. I was replying to that particular comment , which projected and made assumptions. 

It hurts to feel like you're second. .... I've been there with my hb and his ex. You may know you didn't want her back but I promise your wife didn't feel like that. She's spent 13 years feeling second best. 

I got the but I'm a nice guy and path of least resistance too. You know what that told me? That my feelings mattered less than upsetting the ex.

Think about that. Your path of least resistance meant not upsetting ex, not worrying about your wife. 


Have you tried marriage counseling? You may not be able to recover but any chance we'll involve a counselor's help and your wife feeling like you really understand.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cc80man (Jun 8, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Oh I know. I was replying to that particular comment , which projected and made assumptions.
> 
> It hurts to feel like you're second. .... I've been there with my hb and his ex. You may know you didn't want her back but I promise your wife didn't feel like that. She's spent 13 years feeling second best.
> 
> ...


I do get what I did made her feel that way and yes we are in counseling. It just is hard because other than intimacy we get along great, she just sleeps in another bed.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Sometimes it's too little too late, especially with women. When they check out of the marriage they're usually gone.

Sounds like you never prioritized your wife and then when you felt like it, decided to make her a priority just because you could. She's probably pissed because you could have done so all along and just didn't. In which case she would be understandably resentful and guarded herself. Also making your ex-wife's wants and feelings a priority while ignoring your _actual _wife's needs, I don't care what your reasons were, is pretty much a knife in any marriage. But they say hindsight is 20-20. Have you tried apologizing for your behavior and asking her what you can do???


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## cc80man (Jun 8, 2016)

Jasel said:


> Sometimes it's too little too late, especially with women. When they check out of the marriage they're usually gone.
> 
> Sounds like you never prioritized your wife and then when you felt like it, decided to make her a priority just because you could. She's probably pissed because you could have done so all along and just didn't. In which case she would be understandably resentful and guarded herself. Also making your ex-wife's wants and feelings a priority while ignoring your _actual _wife's needs, I don't care what your reasons were, is pretty much a knife in any marriage. But they say hindsight is 20-20. Have you tried apologizing for your behavior and asking her what you can do???


Yes, she doesnt know what she wants me to do. She talks in future language, like by the end of the summer I want to get this done in the house etc.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

cc80man said:


> I do get what I did made her feel that way and yes we are in counseling. It just is hard because other than intimacy we get along great, she just sleeps in another bed.


When did the intimacy start declining?

How old is your wife?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Honestly you guys sound like my parents. Married for 33 years but they're basically roommates. I don't think they've slept in the same bed for at least 5 - 10 years, yet they both seem content with the situation.

I'm not sure there's much else you can do besides trying not to act the way you previously did. But I wouldn't be over the top with trying to make up for it either. Which as you stated she's probably just going to find frustrating.

It sounds like you've accepted the current state of your marriage is in large part your fault (not to say she doesn't have any of her own). The question is can you live with how things are between you two and if not what are you willing to do about it (besides what you've already been doing which is apparently not working.) You might never get the marriage you want or the wife you used to have.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Have you told her that you deliberately took the path of least resistance because it made your life easier? Have you told her that you know it was unfair to her and you deeply regret what you did? She may sense that you are truly remorseful for your actions and give you another chance; but, I wouldn't hold my breath. What you told her is that you didn't give a damn about her feelings and it was all about you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cc80man said:


> I do get what I did made her feel that way and yes we are in counseling. It just is hard because other than intimacy we get along great, she just sleeps in another bed.


Read the books I suggested. They explain why this is going on and how to get the passion back in your marriage.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Yeah, she has a lot of nerve to have checked out while he showed little affection and kissed his ex wife's arse.


I never said she wasn't justified in checking out nor have I excused his bad behavior.



lifeistooshort said:


> She should be on her back grateful that he's now "ready" to fully commit.


Maybe he prefers doggy... Do you want to continue to make lewd comments or have an intelligent conversation?



lifeistooshort said:


> Maybe he shouldn't have gotten married if he wasn't ready to be a hb.


100% agree. There's plenty of blame to throw at him. No one here is denying this.



lifeistooshort said:


> And on what do you base the assumption that she was using him financially? I don't see where he's said she didn't work or couldn't support herself.


I said "or otherwise"... why she continued to lie to him for years and pretend to be vested in this relationship is irrelevant.

If you could get out of your misandrist cesspool for 5 minutes you would realize that one bad deed does not justify another. 

He's a POS for treating her badly. She's a POS for playing this charade of pretending to give a sh!t until the kids left. 

If she had any honor, she would of just left when she was done. It's painfully obvious she's been using him for YEARS.

They both acted like crap. I'm just telling the @cc80man to not take 100% of the blame in this relationship. She deserves her 50% too.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> I never said she wasn't justified in checking out nor have I excused his bad behavior.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



No, you're projecting. You have zero information with which to assign this 50%.....detaching and walking is often a process and men do it too. 

You're making an assumption that she decided she was done but made a calculated decision to stick around and use him. 

Which, by he way, men do all the time when they make a decision to stick around until the kids are grown so they won't be wrecked financially. Do you consider that equally bad behavior? Why shouldn't he walk the second he realizes he's done? 

I see this a lot of TAM. Guy shows up and fully admits he didn't treat his wife well but there are guys that just can't wrap themselves around the fact that maybe it really is his fault. Funny, I never see a woman who admits to denying sex told that it's still half his fault. 

You have no reason to jump to the conclusion that she's behaved badly and yet you make the assumption. Maybe that makes you misogynistic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

OP

You cannot 'get' your wife to do anything, let alone forgive you. Only she can decide if she will do that.

All you can do is offer her the chance to rekindle the love in your marriage. Keep trying for as long as there is a chance but do not overdo it. That would come across as needy. All she really needs to know is that you want to start over and to be reminded of that when the occasion is appropriate.

Good luck.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Set a deadline, OP.

Give your 100% best effort until that deadline; maybe 6-12 months.

If after that the situation has not changed, it is time to move on.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> No, you're projecting. You have zero information with which to assign this 50%.....detaching and walking is often a process and men do it too.


Okay 40% happy? Her sh!t doesn't not stink and no one is perfect.



lifeistooshort said:


> You're making an assumption that she decided she was done but made a calculated decision to stick around and use him.


Based on OP's testimony, yes I am. Those were the facts presented. Perhaps his wife has a different story but all we have to go by is what he said. You don't know that's not the case anymore than I know it is.



lifeistooshort said:


> Which, by he way, men do all the time when they make a decision to stick around until the kids are grown so they won't be wrecked financially. Do you consider that equally bad behavior? Why shouldn't he walk the second he realizes he's done?


Of course men walk away too and of course it would be just as bad if the situation was reversed. Where have I assigned gender specific blame?!? Now you are projecting. 



lifeistooshort said:


> I see this a lot of TAM. Guy shows up and fully admits he didn't treat his wife well but there are guys that just can't wrap themselves around the fact that maybe it really is his fault. Funny, I never see a woman who admits to denying sex told that it's still half his fault.


It is his fault he didn't treat her well. No one is disputing this. Even OP admits this. She WAITED until the kids left to bail on the relationship. This is not an assumption. This is a fact. That's a sh!tty thing to do and she gets a piece of the blame pie. Sorry if you think otherwise. 

If a woman is denying sex then obviously there is a reason. He may or may not have blame in that. If it's because the husband is a lazy jerk then yeah he is does deserve some blame. If it's because menopause is messing up her sex drive then how do you fault him? Apples and oranges.



lifeistooshort said:


> You have no reason to jump to the conclusion that she's behaved badly and yet you make the assumption. Maybe that makes you misogynistic.


Nope, it doesn't. She ought to be held accountable too. That sounds like equality to me.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
When I described to my W the situation we were in I used the analogy of a plant. You neglect to water it, weed it, fertilize it and the plant withers to near death. Then you see the dire condition the plant is in and suddenly you realize that you really want that plant after all so you start putting in the work necessary to save the plant. The problem is you do not know how bad the damage from neglect is. The plant may be unresponsive to your newfound efforts and it is impossible to tell outwardly whether your efforts are meeting with any success or not.

So, you are basically in observation mode as you look for signs that your efforts are having any effect. Perseverance and time will tell. Also, it could not hurt to have open, honest discussions about any and all issues that she will discuss. Good fortune in your efforts.


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## cc80man (Jun 8, 2016)

Update: she came in last night and said she wanted to talk. My heart stopped, she then starts saying that she wants to try, she doesnt want to get a divorce, she wants to try to be intimate, get good counseling. I am elated....then comes but it has to be on my terms and I am moving out on July 14th. UGH


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> Sounds like she has been checked out for years and USED you (for financial reasons or otherwise) until the kids were old enough to leave the house.
> 
> If this is the case then I think she has acted as badly as you have. It's probably unlikely she will check back in and in fact likely she will turn into a WAW.
> 
> You're not going to nice your way out of this mess. In fact, it just repels her more. I'd attempt HEAVY counseling, individual AND group and pray she wants to try.


First question is not "Did she check out?" but rather: "Did she ever check in, in the first place?"


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

cc80man said:


> Update: she came in last night and said she wanted to talk. My heart stopped, she then starts saying that she wants to try, she doesnt want to get a divorce, she wants to try to be intimate, get good counseling. I am elated....then comes but it has to be on my terms and I am moving out on July 14th. UGH


Well I would read this as her saying she will give you a chance to win her back.

Go for it. Accept her terms.

Good luck


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

With your wife out of the house, do you think your ex will ramp it up? A wise man wouldn't give the ex the time of day.


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