# Pregnant and Dealing w/ Infidelity



## hazy63 (Nov 26, 2017)

I should have posted here a long time ago, when I first needed help, but my social anxiety prevented me from doing so. While supportive, my few friends don’t really know how else to help me because they’ve never dealt with infidelity before. Just a warning that this will probably be long and rambling, so please bear with me.

My husband and I are both in our early 30s, married for 5 years, in a relationship for a total of 12 years. No kids, one fur baby. My husband and I had been fighting a lot more than usual in the past 2 months (~July) before things hit the fan. I noticed that he was spending way more time with friends, coming home late, and he felt a bit distant. This really started to bother me and so I was way more reactive than usual. Let me be the first to say that I have some anger issues. When I get upset with my husband, I resort to name calling and just being demeaning. I’m not easy to live with. So the more he was out and coming home late, and after I’d ask what is going on and he’d say “everything is fine, I won’t be late again,” I’d get angrier and angrier the more it continued. Right before he became distant, I really thought we were happy and we had started trying for a baby. 

Well in September, we got pregnant. I was ecstatic. 2 weeks after we found out we were having a baby, I started running a fever. He said he wanted to go to a friend’s house to watch football on TV. I asked if it was possible he just watch TV with me. He persisted and I kept pleading with him to stay home. As he was about to walk out the front door with car keys in hand, I told him if you leave, don’t come back. This was an empty threat. I just needed him to see how serious I was. I never stopped him from going out, but this time I needed to put my foot down. Well he left. I was beyond shocked. I called my parents to pick me up and planned to stay at their house for the night. But since I didn’t hear from him at all (no calls, no texts, and I didn’t reach out either), after 5 days I decided to go back home and texted him that we needed to talk. It turns out that he hadn’t come home that night he walked out, but came home the next day and saw I was gone. So he packed some things and crashed at a friend’s for the rest of the week. He told me that we’re both unhappy, he’s not the man I want to be with, that I’m demeaning and treat him like a child, that he’s tired of the marriage and he wants a divorce. I was floored. Not once has he ever told me he was unhappy, let alone asked for a divorce! I begged, cried, pleaded my case. Did all the wrong things. I asked if there is another woman and he said absolutely not. Refused marriage counseling. Said he felt it was best to terminate the pregnancy and did not want to consider co-parenting or anything like that (I refused to believe this!). Then he asked if I stay at the house, should he find a couch to crash on? I said yes and he walked out again.

For 2 months I tried to pursue him as he lived separately from me. Right away I went to therapy to work on my issues. Wrote him long emails apologizing and telling him that I would change. As time passed, he would start to ignore my calls and texts. For 2 months I thought it was all me. Then I found out that he was actually having an affair with a coworker who had first started out as a friend. I confronted him about it and he told me that the night he walked out on me when I was running a fever, they had actually planned to hang out and watch TV together. He told me that when I told him not to come back, he decided to get drunk with her and that was when they had sex for the first time. They had sex all throughout that week that we didn’t talk to each other (when I thought we just had a horrible fight). The whole time that he denied there was no other person involved, he was actually staying at her place, continuing this affair. Keeping things low key so people at work don’t find out. He’d take her out on out-of-town trips so they wouldn’t have to hide. He even tried to say that they didn’t start having sex until after he told me he wanted a separation. Which I had to point out was not true – he didn’t tell me this until a week after they had sex multiple times. I tried my best to stay calm and even tried to sweep the affair under the rug so he’d choose to come back to me. Thought if I said I forgave him that he would come back home. So that he’d see I was no longer that crazy reactive wife. Instead, he told me that he still didn’t want to come back to work on the marriage because our marriage was draining, despite the fact that I’m trying to work on myself and that things could be different. That his decision has nothing to do with the fact that there is an OW. He said he just wants a fresh start and even said “please just let me go.” Said that he doesn’t want to disrespect me by serving me with papers, so we should sit down together to come up with an agreement together. I told him I needed some time with this.

I couldn’t understand why my husband who was so devoted to me would do this. I thought ok, this is my fault. I was always angry and demeaning when he’d upset me. But why now? Why after all these years? Why go from devotion to an affair? Then I realized… it’s not just about me. That was when I figured out that for 4 years, he had been lying to me about the fact that he graduated. Turns out he didn’t graduate at all. He even came up with an excuse about not wanting to attend the commencement ceremony! After about a year I started questioning why we didn’t receive the diploma in the mail yet. By the time that he had first started distancing himself from me, that was the time I was questioning him almost every day about the diploma. I would ask him to call the registrar’s office to find out what was going on. I wrote a letter to the registrar’s office demanding that they sort out why they haven’t sent out his diploma (turns out he didn’t mail the letter for me). He came up with all these little lies! 

When I confronted him about this, he told me it was because he didn’t want me to think he was a failure, that he didn’t want to disappoint me, and then he just couldn’t admit the truth anymore as things built up. I told him that we could overcome this together. That I could forgive him as long as he earned my trust back. I told him that this is why he felt like our marriage was draining. That the pressure of all the lying was getting to him, and of course I knew in the back of my mind that things were fishy, so we were both going crazy. I told him whatever he wanted to do, I would support – if it meant completing the degree or just dropping it altogether. I set him up with a therapy session and asked that he go for individual therapy. He agreed. He was so apologetic, told me how good I have been to him and how horrible he is. Casually brought up the divorce and when he sensed hesitation from me, asked me what I was unsure about. I told him that I keep allowing myself to be vulnerable with him and now I’m not sure if what I have to say will changed things, and asked him if it was too late to tell him how I felt. He said it wasn’t too late. So I told him that I was unsure how I felt about everything, the affair, the lies. I said that I just wanted parts of my old husband back. He asked what the old Husband was to me, and I said making up a voice for our dog just to make me laugh. He agreed that he missed that. He even asked about the pregnancy (which he never did before) and apologized if I wasn’t keeping healthy for the baby because of what he’s putting me through. Said that he just needs to go to therapy first to sort some things out and he would check in after each session. I felt like I was getting my husband back. 

Then a friend of mine tried contacting the OW on Facebook and he freaked out. Said he wished I didn’t tell anyone the OW’s name. Said he didn’t want to ruin her career or to have this ruin anyone’s life. I told him too late about ruining anyone’s life! I couldn’t believe that he was being so protective of her (I later found out she is up for a huge promotion – where is Karma when you need her?). I told him that I couldn’t do this anymore, that I can’t keep helping him if he won’t help himself. He said that I had once told him that worst case scenario I wanted to have him be in the baby’s life and for us to have a relationship. I told him that was before he told me NO and that he’d prefer I terminate the pregnancy. He then said he didn’t want us to hate each other, that he hated that he can barely remember what the voice he’d make up for our dog sounded like. I didn’t budge. I told him you know what if you can’t make a clear decision, I remove myself and the baby as an option. I told him that I believe the only reason he fell into this affair is because of the pressure of lying to his wife for 4 years, but I couldn’t allow me and the baby to be a second choice any longer. He never responded to that text.

He finally met with his mom the next day (I told her everything) and he told her he was not coming back to me and totally blameshifted. He even wanted to introduce her to the OW! How twisted is that? She told him that we both need to work our issues out and that she is not open to meeting with the OW period. She told him that she also didn’t think I would allow him to be in the baby’s life so long as he is still with the OW. He was still unsure about his decision.
Upon hearing this from his mom, I texted him the next day to let me know when he wanted to meet to talk next steps (which in our language means talking about what we needed to do to split assets). He responded the next day with “I have my first therapy session next week, so let’s talk next steps after that.”

While he has been living away from home for a couple of months, he only admitted to the affair just a couple weeks ago. I know the best thing for me is to just let go, but I can’t help but feel hopeful especially now that he wants to talk after therapy. It’s driving me crazy! I’m so nervous about saying the wrong thing to him when we finally talk because I feel like this is nearing the end of things. If you’ve read this far, thank you! I’d appreciate any insight or advice. I just really need people to talk to.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, let him go. Don't go on the "pick me"situation. Expose them to everyone. If your husband is an underling of the OW, call personnel & let them know as she is up for promotion. The last thing that a company wants is a sexual harassment issue in their organization. Expose this affair to everyone.

Another concerning issue is the deceit of your husband in claiming a college degree when he does not have one. It is my understanding that you thought that he had one before you married him? He hid this from you. This is a major issue. Does his employer know that he doesn't have a degree? If he lied to you, he also lied to his employer. I believe that he had this affair, long before you discovered it.

About keeping your baby, it is up to you as your husband does not want to have this baby. Regarding your abusive verbal issue, I hope that your anger management therapy is working for you. Really sorry that you are here.


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## hazy63 (Nov 26, 2017)

Thank you for the kind words! Husband and OW work in different departments and unfortunately there is no rule against fraternizing where they work. I do have a plan of exposing at their work in the hopes that this will make them stop the affair.

Husband was pursuing a degree during the marriage, though I didn't know that he had failed a class one year into our marriage and he never told me that he couldn't pass the class and therefore couldn't get the degree. The current position he has at his work is based on experience and not his degree, so I believe he only lied to me and his family.

With or without him, I am definitely keeping my baby. I just didn't realize that this situation was remotely a possibility back when we were trying to conceive!


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

You didn't realize splitting up was a possibility when you were trying to conceive?

You said you were fighting more than usual in the 2 months from July-Sept, then you say you got pregnant in September.

Not seeing why this comes as such a big surprise?

Babies don't fix problems in marriages, they tend to make existing problems even worse due to the extra responsibility, change in schedules, increased financial obligations, etc. 

Sorry for your troubles, but it's clear he's gone, probably has been for quite a while, you just didn't see it.


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## hazy63 (Nov 26, 2017)

I honestly didn't think splitting up was a possibility when we were trying to conceive. I mistyped - we actually conceived in August and found out I was pregnant in September. I thought we were just going through a rough patch, but we had been talking about babies for almost a year now. I truly wasn't trying to have a baby to fix anything in our marriage... but I guess I wasn't aware enough.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Well at any rate there's no use crying over spilt milk.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Stand your ground, OP. Just before, you said he wanted to introduce the OW to his mom, then after that he says he's going to therapy. But is he doing that while still with the OW??? No way in hell.

Please, OP. Don't entertain taking him back unless he gets his sh!t together and figures out what he really wants. In the meantime, start focusing on you and the life inside your belly. Start protecting yourself. Get some individual counseling for yourself. Don't waste another step on the pick-me.

Be prepared for the worst. That exposing them will just "strengthen" their affair instead of destroy it (blegh). That he may stop therapy b/c it's just too damn hard. That this may only be the tip of the iceberg in terms of what you already know. If he's lied to you this much, what else is he lying about?


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My bet is that he's lying about when the affair started. He said that he only started the affair after you told him not to come home if he left when you had a fever. That makes no sense. He's admitted that his plan was to go watch TV with women he's having an affair with. Well, men don't go to the home of female friends to watch TV. They go to have sex... and by that point his affair partner was more important to him than you were. So the affair had already been going on for a while.

It sounds like you have exposed the affair to family and some friends. Do you now how to find the OW's family? If so you need to expose it to them as well. Is this woman your husband's supervisor or in management in his chain of command? I would be tempted to expose the affair to the company to help destroy her career. Why not? She's destroyed your family. The only problem would be if your husband would lose his job... you don't want that because he needs to help you with your baby.

Do you have a job? What percentage of your joint income do you earn?

Look at the 180 in my signature block below. That is how you need to interact with your husband. Basically go no-contact with him. He's gone. You have already tired to 'nice' him back. That's not going to happen so just cut him out of your life. The sooner you do this, the sooner you won't give a darn about him being gone. 

Also, see an attorney about filing for divorce. Have him served. You need to do this to ensure that he helps pay your bills, hospital bills and provides child support as soon as the baby is born.

Cutting him off by not talking to him (going no-contact) and filing for divorce will put a lot of pressure on his affair. I guarantee you that his affair partner was in this for the fun of it and not to be the partner to man who is tied down with a wife and child and a long running divorce. Generally you cannot get a divorce if you are pregnant. So you start the divorce and then the finalization of it is held off until the baby is born. And then it will take months to settle.

Do not let him talk you into sitting down with you to make an agreement together. This is a ploy for him to try to talk you out of a fair settlement.


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## hazy63 (Nov 26, 2017)

Slartibartfast said:


> Look, when's your first therapy session? You said when his was. And when you weren't paying attention enough to know the marriage was crashing, you do need the work of therapy and more, if for no other reason than to be fit to be in a relationship, should another some along one day.


I've been going to therapy every week for the past ~8 weeks. With my therapist's ok, I'm now scaling it down to every other week.


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## hazy63 (Nov 26, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Do you have a job? What percentage of your joint income do you earn?


I make about 50% more than he does. I had a consult with a lawyer and their advice, because I make more than he does, is to agree to sit with him and come to an agreement. Otherwise he'd definitely get half in our State.

Thank you for the link on 180, I do need help on letting go and moving on.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

There's not much I can add that hasn't already been said...

Only that as much as you are putting the focus on him and his problems, make sure that you are addressing your own. You both sound like you have had an incredibly drama filled life. Clearly he did not feel comfortable in coming to you to tell the truth about not obtaining his diploma. He was afraid of you and your possible (probable) reaction. He handled things VERY poorly and selfishly, but don't forget that your behavior (anger issues, threatening, etc) sounded less than stellar as well. Don't threaten what you don't intend to follow through on. 

Bringing a baby into the middle of all this.. I feel sorry for you both and for the baby. Make this the first day of a NEW life for yourself. One without the anger and resentment. You owe it to your child to be good Co-parents.


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## Hopeful621 (Oct 5, 2017)

@hazy63

I'm so sorry you're going through this! My husband left me in July, we are both in our 30s as well...but I am not pregnant.

I am so aware of how people tell their story because of how I told mine when I was still hoping for reconciliation. I noticed you immediately blamed yourself by saying you would get upset when he would go out or be distant. Ask yourself if your anger was a result of his behaviors or were his behaviors a result of your anger? It's not easy to answer...it's like the chicken and the egg. But, know this...I find it so easy now to identify when someone is blaming themselves. Don't do this to yourself - all self blame does is make you believe that you are deserving of the treatment you are receiving-- and you're not!

I'm not saying we can't all look at ourselves and try to fix our behaviors -of course we can. I, too, look back and wish I weren't as angry or I had been nicer. But, I did not leave the marriage, he did. Yes you admit to having anger issues. But, you did not force him to lie to you about his degree, and you did not force him to cheat on his pregnant wife. He made that decision. AND, his mistress did not worry about destroying your life when she was sleeping with your husband - so why worry about destroying her chances of a promotion? 

Take care of yourself and your baby. I promise you it gets better. There will be some really really rough days and weeks. There will be intense times of self blame and sadness. Continue going to therapy, I have been going every week since July and I do not know where I would be without it. Work on yourself and the future for your baby. I know this isn't the happy pregnancy time you wanted, but try to stop thinking about how you wanted things to be and force yourself to look at how things are now. Will you ever really be able to get over him cheating on you ? Especially while you were pregnant? You deserve more than that. Don't allow the self blame to make you believe you are deserving of anything less than respect.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

hazy63 said:


> * My husband and I had been fighting a lot more than usual in the past 2 months (~July) before things hit the fan.* I noticed that he was spending way more time with friends, coming home late, and he felt a bit distant.
> 
> This really started to bother me and so I was way more reactive than usual. Let me be the first to say that I have some anger issues. When I get upset with my husband, I resort to name calling and just being demeaning. *I’m not easy to live with. So the more he was out and coming home late, and after I’d ask what is going on and he’d say “everything is fine, I won’t be late again,” I’d get angrier and angrier the more it continued.*
> 
> Right before he became distant, *I really thought we were happy* and we had started trying for a baby.


 @hazy63 

A few observations...

Your H affair with co-worker has been in place longer than last summer. He was dreaming it for many weeks/months long before he acted on it. Whatever time-line he has given you is nothing but lies. If you remember anything from this post... CHEATERS WILL LIE TO THE VERY END.

You seem to take some blame for his affair due to your anger issues. While true this can divide a marriage, it in no way, shape, or form caused him to cheat on you. Cheating is 100% on him. Stop blaming yourself for his affair. No one ever drove their spouse to cheat, unless they pack-them into the car and dropped them off at the AP house.

_"I thought we were Happy"... _Said it myself, heard it a 1000 times here at TAM. In time you will learn there are 2 types of people, those that cheat and those that don't. Happiness has very little to due with it.

Finally, your H is in denial. You're pregnant with his child and he thinks he is going to run off to Fantasy Island with his AP and start his new life free and clear of the past. He's an idiot.:scratchhead:

3 words of advice... LAWYER UP NOW!


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