# Seeking advice regarding coping with infidelity



## Rhowe (Sep 21, 2014)

Married for five years upon discovering that my husband was cheating with a coworker for over 3 years. I'm the type who wants to know details and asked a LOT of questions about his side relationship. He answered my questions (truthfully or not....I don't know) and says that although there was no physical sexual interaction, that indeed "sexting" took place. Either way, I've decided to begin the forgiving process and want to move past this and forward with my marriage.

The problem is that nearly 3 months later, thoughts about the relationship continue to flood my mind and more questions arise. So, naturally I come to him with my questions and concerns. He's frustrated with me for continuing to bringing it up, but I don't mean harm. I can't hold it inside and try to suppress it, but it eats at me. I just feel like I need to talk about it sometimes and seek truth. He got upset once when the issue came up during a disagreement, so I respected that and a few weeks later brought it up in a calm manner when we were having a cool, relaxed evening. Again, I received backlash instead of support and reassurance. How do you suggest I deal?

The other problem is that I feel as though he has no clue about how this has impacted me, emotionally and mentally. Especially, when he is adamant that I did nothing wrong and that the side relationship was a result of his selfishness. He seems to want and expect me to be able to just forget what happened and get over it. Not that simple. How do I help him understand the severe pain and ultimate betrayal...sometimes anger that I feel?

Signed,

A broken-hearted, faithful wife


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Your husband wants to do what we call "rug sweeping". This is where he just wants to not deal with the fallout of what he's done. You need to make clear to him that this is not something to just "sweep under the rug" because if you do it will just fester and come back upon you. 

Other TAM regulars will be by soon with information that will help you. There is a definite pattern to what you have experienced and also a tried and proven protocol in how to deal with it. Many here have been there and done that, so you will get experienced help soon.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

If he is taking this attitude with you he is clearly not remorseful. He has no desire to help you heal, otherwise he would be bending over backwards to do anything you ask of him. Like most cheaters, he's not sorry he cheated, he's sorry he got caught and is rug sweeping the problem. If it sounds a little harsh, it is ..... because it was meant to be. Sometimes betrayed spouses need to hear it harshly.

This is not on you to fix, he was the one who screwed up, it's up to him to do the heavy lifting. You have nothing to feel bad about wanting to know what happened and he should be willing to talk to you about it every day, 10 times a day, if that is what you require.

I think he needs some "alone time" .... so I think you should ask him to leave and not speak to you again (unless it's about kids) until he is ready to seriously work on making things right. Ask him to think long and hard about this gift of reconciliation you were giving him and ask him if he wants to do what it takes to save the marriage .... otherwise don't ever come back. Then you take the same time to think if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is treating you this way. Remember, you have self respect too, you don't have to put up with this bullsh!t. He will never respect you if you don't treat yourself with respect, if you know what I mean.

For what it's worth, I would never be able to recover from a physical betrayal. For me the marriage would be over immediately and I would be extracting a pound of flesh in some fashion. You have given him a gift and he is throwing it away .... I'd be angry.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You might benefit form individual counselling. 

He gets upset? Oh, that's too bad.

divorce might help calm his nerves.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

I'm a little concerned that you have already decided to forgive him and reconcile. It's probable that you don't even fully know what you are forgiving him for. 

Your husband needs to fully confess everything and also obtain a full comprehension of the gravity of the situation. It's clear he has not gotten to this point yet, thus he is not able to appreciate the gift of reconciliation you offer him. 

If husband doesn't understand my previous paragraph he will have the attitude that he "got away with it". This will in turn increase the odds he will repeat the behavior. Don't let yourself be set up for this.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Read here about rugsweeping; it is classic cheater script activity.

You can't "just move on" and/or forgive until and unless you are sure about what it is you are forgiving and moving on from. It sounds a little like maybe you don't quite believe you have the full truth?

Importantly, you both need to realize that you letting him dictate how this healing process will work, and on what timeline, is a recipe for disaster. You will fester, he will resent it, and a wedge drives deeper and deeper -- all originating from his infidelity.

You don't trust him now, and he doesn't like it. He should be bending over backwards to appease you and earn back your trust. But he feels like he,s got it already, because you seem to have given it to him. You are too quick to try and dismiss it as 'nothing', but the two of you have not addressed *why* he entered his affair. And start calling it that, btw -- an affair. It is real, it is a big deal, it is not something that goes away because it is unpleasant. It needs to be confronted, addressed, dealt with at a root cause level, and is frankly something that will always be a part of you as a couple.

Whether that is a continuous, painful, negative argument-maker or it is the keys to unlocking a better couplehood as a learning experience, to make you more open with each other depends on how you deal with it. 

You've actually made several mistakes already, and allowed him to make many. You were too quick to sweep it away and forgive him. You've kept the power of how the healing process will be under his control, not yours. You've allowed him to vaguely explain it away as nothing, rather than dig in, monitor him, get transparency in everything (email, fb, social media, phone, texts, computer), and make him earn your trust back. You've not exposed the affair, have you? Do you know the OW? Is she married? adoes her SO know?

So deal with it, together, in a healing way. Because you're not healing; you're sitting with an open wound. Read here as much as possible, there is much to learn and apply. Start with making this about you and your feelings, emotions, fears, and doubts first, and get in the driver's seat. Your approach right now, unfortunately, should pretty much be "guilty until or unless he can be proven innocent" in many ways. 

Beyond "he said so", how do you know:
- that it's stopped? Has he sent a No contact to her that you've seen and verified? Have you gotten his full transparncy to prove it?
- that it was the only one? Have you even asked?
- that it never went physical? (cheaters will only admit to what can be proven)
- that he won't do it again? (many affairs go dark while the storm passes, then get re-started when one or both cheating parties "go fishing" and re-establish contact weeks or months later)
- that he knows with certainty that severe consequences exist if he breaks boundary rukes again? (have you spelled it out?)

There is so much here... more posters will chime in with better advice. Read. Learn. And good luck. I really, really doubt that you know the full extent of the truth here, and this road is far from smooth. 3 years is a long time to not go physical, and a lot of time to learn how to hide.

Think hard about entering MC. It might just do wonders to getting a real dialogue about all this inti the open where it needs to be. Your marriage has been in trouble for a long time, since nearly the beginning, and you're not attacking it strongly enough.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

By the way, your husband must absolutely have no contact with the toxic coworker for you to even have a remote chance of successful reconciliation. This is non negotiable. 

Experience has shown us that if this rule is broken you can bet that the affair will go underground and you will sputter through a false reconciliation that will mangle your soul.

Has your husband or toxic coworker changed jobs?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Order a copy of the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

You can't stop asking him about it because in your gut you know he is still avoiding telling you the whole truth.

The fact is you've been married for 5 years and he has cheated for at least 3 of them...Not a good sign for the future.

Is he still working with his affair partner? How did you find out?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your old man hasn't done a damn thing to affair proof the marriage, I will speculate that this crap will happen again...so please be very cautious with your forgiveness. 

Bad behavior will continue with out consequences.

Your old man doesn't want the consequences of dealing with his own crap and helping you heal!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your old man hasn't done a damn thing to affair proof the marriage, I will speculate that this crap will happen again...so please be very cautious with your forgiveness. 

Bad behavior will continue with out consequences.

Your old man doesn't want the consequences of dealing with his own crap and helping you heal!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sorry, but there's just no way that they were "just sexting" for over 3 years.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Rhowe said:


> The problem is that nearly 3 months later, thoughts about the relationship continue to flood my mind and more questions arise. So, naturally I come to him with my questions and concerns. *He's frustrated with me for continuing to bringing it up*


You know what? That's just too effing bad for him. He doesn't get to cause you great emotional pain and in only 3 months get to not hear about it.

3 months is NOTHING. To me, cheaters like this who get frustrated at their BSs expressing the pain that THEY CAUSED need to be given the pink slip.

You even tried to talk to him calmly about this and he chastised you.

Some will say, "but this was only an emotional affair"

1) how do you know?

and 2) so what?

You are dealing with a man who betrayed you and expects you to just get over it and shut up. He does not respect you.
I think you need to think about finding a better man.

He thinks he is in control. He obviously cares less about this marriage than you do and he obviously doesn't care about how you feel and how this has affected you.

Question, how do you feel about the idea of leaving him and doing so much better for yourself?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

You rug swept the A. Now you are feeling the repercussions from that.

3 years of sexting and no sex? Gus has it on the money. Men in long term A's don't roll like that.

How do you make your husband understand how you are feeling? You make him understand how it feels to lose his wife for cheating; for lying about the details, and for being non-remorseful. You file for D and watch his reaction. Be prepared to carry through with it if he doesn't turn around.

Sit him down and give him one last chance to come clean and start showing remorse. Ask him if he'd be willing to take a polygraph. My guess is no.


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## loyallad (Aug 1, 2014)

Just don't see an EA lasting 3 years and it not evolve into a PA. That's just too long for someone to invest emotions into someone and it not turn physical.

I think your WH is like a lot of cheaters. They don't want to have the A (EA or PA) brought up. They seem to think if they're not brought up then they didn't happen and they don't have to continue to deny or defend them. They have the ability to compartmentalize and some then eventually believe their own lies.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

loyallad said:


> Just don't see an EA lasting 3 years and it not evolve into a PA.


it IS theoretically possible. Lets say both your husband and this women were shy, bashful types...not prone to partying and spur of the moment fun...then yes, maybe they cold have just sex chatted for years. A heavy EA, talking thru their emotions, their relationships, maybe some sex talk/orgasm with text only.

Usually, though, one of the two is more aggressive and forces the other over the line to a full PA.

SO, what type of personalities do the both of them have?

If EA is a deal breaker for you, then it is a moot point. If a PA is what it takes to hit the panic button, then maybe a polygraph? Get that parking lot confession?


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

OP, 

You say you've been married 5 years. Hubby been sexting for 3??? He's been faithful to you for 2??? He's been emotionally with "her" longer than he with you ???? Think about that!!! 

~sammy


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

sammy3 said:


> OP,
> 
> You say you've been married 5 years. Hubby been sexting for 3??? He's been faithful to you for 2??? He's been emotionally with "her" longer than he with you ???? Think about that!!!
> 
> ~sammy


Eh... I'd be surprised if he's been faithful at all. That 3+ years is just w/ this OW... who's to say there aren't/haven't been others?


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

sammy3 said:


> OP,
> 
> You say you've been married 5 years. Hubby been sexting for 3??? He's been faithful to you for 2??? He's been emotionally with "her" longer than he with you ???? Think about that!!!
> 
> ~sammy


Spot on the money.
He's been playing from the start.
You can give him no grounds to sweep it away and if your questions frustrate him, tough, he has to answer to them.
------------------------------

btw sammy, clear up your inbox, I can't send my message


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

in the best case, when true remorse, restitution, and effective counseling are involved? It takes 2-5 years to process and recover from cheating.

If either if you thinks 3 months should be sufficient, then you would be mistaken.

I had a false recovery for a very long time because rug sweeping worked--until it didn't.

Good luck


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Sorry, but there's just no way that they were "just sexting" for over 3 years.


Gus speaks truth. He doesn't want to talk about it, because if he does you will either catch him in a lie or find out stuff that will ruin your relationship with him.

He's got to be in the position of having to prove to you that he's broken his physical affair off, has no contact with his former partner, and is firmly committed to you. Being arrogant with you isn't a way to do this.

If he won't assume those responsibilities, you will have your answer.

In my opinion I'd see a lawyer and find out your rights.


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## pauslon (Nov 27, 2013)

OP,

Sorry you are here. Unfortunately for myself, I understand the pain. I like you, needed every detail, and I also got the trickle truth. After 3 months of lies, I got what she called "everything." But b/c she lied so many times, I still sit here today (one year later), still not believing I got "everything." There was a lot of "I don't know" or "It wasn't like that" when asked about specific details, those phrases still haunt me today. That said, we are still working together, but we wouldn't be if she had not declared everything, somethings I leave uncovered b/c certain details no longer matter to ME (me is the key here).
We also wouldn't be working things out if she had tried to rug sweep, what I think is happening to you right now. 


I would not take him back so quickly, otherwise you are setting yourself up for further pain. As mentioned by others many times on here "You must be willing to end your marriage to save it." Know what the 180 is, live it, and that is how you win, with or without him.


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