# Frustrated Husband



## 2kwik4u (Jan 24, 2012)

This is my first posting of the sorts and I am looking for some help with an unaffectionate wife. 

We have been married going on 3 years now and have 2 kids. We both work a full time job and of course it doesnt stop when we get off with our kids. We constantly work on the house, cleaning, cooking, etc after we get off of work. What seems normal to me. She seems to have a lot lower sex drive than I do also which from reading other posts seem normal

But my wife is always very distant to me. She is never affectionate with me, doesnt compliment me, etc. 
I probably do 80% of the chores around the house and go to school part time. I try to give her down time to spend with the kids, read a book,etc and still no gratitude, nothing from her. Not even a thank you most days.

We may have sex once a week. Sometimes every two weeks. I attempt to be affectionate with her cuddling, kissing, etc and unless anything is initiated by me then nothing happens. Im just gettting shut down 100 percent and feel like its a no win either way I go. 

And Id have better luck talking to a brick wall than I would talking to her sometimes about it. It always turns into my fault. "You didnt do this and you didnt do that" yada yada yada and it just seems like excuses to me. 

It is really iritating and causes a lot of arguments around our house over sex, love, one thing and another. 
By no means right now do i think shes cheating. Im also not looking at going anywhere else to get what I need either. Just some suggestions would be nice


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## bclemmons (Jan 20, 2012)

Your situation sounds a lot like mine, I had a similar post last week. A lot of the advice given there might apply to your situation as well. See the thread 'Opinions please' under this same topic. 

I've started reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy", and I plan to start reading "The 5 Love Languages". My situation isn't completely resolved, but I think my issue isn't so much what I'm doing, but how I'm doing it. I let myself become a drone of sorts, working and milling away to seek her affections, no matter how hard I work to get her affection, I never get it, so I work harder, and it never comes. That is because for all my trying to work to get what I want from her, I'm not behaving like a confident (alpha) man, I'm not leading. That is what attracts females, and that is what I believe will attract our wives too. If it doesn't work, at the very least I'll feel better about myself. 

I'm no expert, and I'm just heading down this road myself. But you might give it a look. Good luck, and I hope things turn around for you.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

My only suggestion is do not ever trade chores for sex. If she ever throws this at you again let her know you do not appreciate it. Never loose your cool over sex. Women cant stand when thier husbands act like little boys when they do not get thier way.

In a calm respectful way let your wife know you want to talk to her about something that is bothering you. Do not have this conversation as your getting into bed. Let her know up front that you love her respect her and want to spend the rest of your life with her. Tell her that you have needs and thier not being met. Ask if there is a problem you should know about. Ask her if she has any solutions. Let her do the talking.

If she is full of silly exucuses, and has no solutions. Ask her one question. Ask her if it is important for her for you to be happy. If she says no. You have a problem. If she says yes. Remind her that a healthy sex life is important to you and she needs to meet you in the middle some where. Remind her that there are 7 days in a week and having a healthy sex life would be defined as having sex 3-4 days a week. 

In a very calm loving way (but firm) let her know that you want a great marriage not mediocre one, and it takes two to make this happen.


Good luck.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

2kwik4u said:


> It always turns into my fault. "You didnt do this and you didnt do that" yada yada yada and it just seems like excuses to me.


Well, it seems to be a common enough problem - at least on this forum anyway. You are not alone. Nor are you wrong for wanting to be sexually intimate with your wife. Sexual intimacy between husband and wife is like a glue in a marriage - it can really hold you together during bad times and good. Hopefully, at some point your wife can get to where she understands that, but she's not quite there yet. There's time for her to learn, especially if you help lead the way. 

Go over to the Men's Clubhouse sub-forum and take a look through the sticky at the top about manning up/nice guys. In there is a thread about "Fitness Testing" that you may want to peruse. If you can handle the put-downs and excuses in a calm, positive, respectful, humorous way - keeping your dignity and self-respect in tact during the process, both you and your wife will be better for it. Some of the men who frequent the clubhouse could give you some additional pointers if you need them.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

Best wishes.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

gonefishin said:


> My only suggestion is do not ever trade chores for sex. If she ever throws this at you again let her know you do not appreciate it. Never loose your cool over sex. Women cant stand when thier husbands act like little boys when they do not get thier way.
> 
> In a calm respectful way let your wife know you want to talk to her about something that is bothering you. Do not have this conversation as your getting into bed. Let her know up front that you love her respect her and want to spend the rest of your life with her. Tell her that you have needs and thier not being met. Ask if there is a problem you should know about. Ask her if she has any solutions. Let her do the talking.
> 
> ...


Completely agree with this.

I would (in the spirit of fostering good communication) say something like:

"I've noticed you've been unhappy, so I've been taking on a disproportionate share of the responsibilities in the hope that the reduction in stress would help. But, it's not helping so I assume I am focusing on the wrong things and need you to tell me what you need to feel better about this relationship."

Other bad responses you should not tolerate:

* It's up to you to figure it out.
* Unreasonable requests (like she wants you to continue to work full time, go to school, do 80% of the housework as before PLUS do more stuff for her directly).
* Requests that are not completely within your power to fulfill (like you don't make enough money to meet her lifestyle expectations).


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Married Man Sex Life


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## 2kwik4u (Jan 24, 2012)

I agree with all of the suggestions on here and have read into the alpha male issue. The only problem I see is that she has had an abusive past with a previous man and I don't wanna go all alpha male on her and it bring back bad memories. I want what is good for both of us and not just to boost my ego. Hope this doesn't offend anyone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2kwik4u (Jan 24, 2012)

I really appreciate the suggestions and will try to see what works.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

2kwik4u said:


> I really appreciate the suggestions and will try to see what works.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What was she like before the wedding?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

2kwik4u said:


> I agree with all of the suggestions on here and have read into the alpha male issue. The only problem I see is that she has had an abusive past with a previous man and I don't wanna go all alpha male on her and it bring back bad memories. I want what is good for both of us and not just to boost my ego. Hope this doesn't offend anyone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your posts make you sound like the quintessential nice guy. So you probably couldn't go past alpha all the way to abusive if you tried. If you added alpha to the point that you felt like you were being a jerk, that probably means you've established personal boundaries and are standing up for yourself. In other words, you'll have it about right.

The heavy beta/light alpha isn't making your wife want to sleep with you. So add some alpha to the mix.


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## 2kwik4u (Jan 24, 2012)

spudster said:


> What was she like before the wedding?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you talking sex wise or in general?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I had the same prob long ago. I made a point of hugging her and loving on her and she would brush it off. One day I just stopped totally and it didnt take very long in retrospect for her to realize how much she missed it. Everything began to change after that.


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## 2kwik4u (Jan 24, 2012)

Stonewall said:


> I had the same prob long ago. I made a point of hugging her and loving on her and she would brush it off. One day I just stopped totally and it didnt take very long in retrospect for her to realize how much she missed it. Everything began to change after that.


Well that's what I'm trying now and so far its not working in my favor. Or atleast she hasn't said anything about it yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ohiodude (Jan 25, 2012)

Welcome to the club, unfortunately. 
People (just not women) change and have their personal motives to marriage. My wife was very intimate (in closeness and in sex) until 1) we got married, then 2) our children were born. Then she had her emotional needs met by them and our marriage was placed at the bottom of her priority list. It's been so frustrating, but I'd never stray (and she knows it, so she stays in emotional control of the marriage.) 
Good luck


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## Auzzie (Jan 23, 2012)

Keep showing displays of affection with no expectations of sex. My hubby only shows affection because he wants sex...and I turn away every time. Im frustrated with him because Ive asked him to please just show me affection for affections sake....but he hasnt managed yet. Im holding out hope though! Id love the following:

Love texts/notes
Being taken out to dinner on a whim
A flower from the roadside with a whisper of ' I was thinking of you today'
An organised romantic weekend with a note to say ' no sex expected...this is just for you' and proceeding to just do things for me. Id probably respond with wanting to have crazy monkey sex after this...so win win im guessing. 
Take the lead without expecting anything in return.
Having an hour long massage without 'Mr Happy' poking his head in (gawd Id love that!!!) LOL


For me as a woman, its the small things each and every day.


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## ohiodude (Jan 25, 2012)

Sorry Auzzie, I really don't mean to stir things up, but what things do you do for your hubby every day to meet HIS needs? Isn't marriage supposed to be a meeting in the middle? Can't marriage be WIN-WIN?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

2K,
Why don't you try an experiment:
1. When you walk in the door at night - or when she walks in - give her a big smile and a warm hello. Don't hug her. If she wants a hug let her come to you - and if she does - hug her back. 
2. And THEN: Don't initiate conversation with her. If she wants to talk, respond. And be upbeat and friendly. But let HER initiate the interaction. 
3. STOP trying to manage her stress. If she is tense about something - LET her be. You can be supportive but don't try to fix it. Just tell her you are sorry she feels tense. You can ask her if there is anything you can do - but only AFTER she is finished talking about it. And if her response is for you to take on an unfair share of the workload at home - just smile and tell her you will think about it. But don't do it. 
4. If she seems unhappy to be in your company - go do something with the kids or by yourself. 
5. If she asks about your day - keep it short and positive. If possible a funny (and short) story about what happened is good. 

Try this for a week or two and see what happens.




2kwik4u said:


> This is my first posting of the sorts and I am looking for some help with an unaffectionate wife.
> 
> We have been married going on 3 years now and have 2 kids. We both work a full time job and of course it doesnt stop when we get off with our kids. We constantly work on the house, cleaning, cooking, etc after we get off of work. What seems normal to me. She seems to have a lot lower sex drive than I do also which from reading other posts seem normal
> 
> ...


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

2kwik4u said:


> I agree with all of the suggestions on here and have read into the alpha male issue. The only problem I see is that she has had an abusive past with a previous man and I don't wanna go all alpha male on her and it bring back bad memories. I want what is good for both of us and not just to boost my ego. Hope this doesn't offend anyone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, labels don't hold much weight with me. 

But, "alpha" should not mean that you become an aggressive, overbearing jerk who could care less about those around him.

Think, instead, of a cool, competent person, who is a leader, who you respect. That is what you want to be. 

Would they be indecisive? Or competently make decisions?

Would they run roughshod over other's opinions? Or would they consider all angles and do what's best for all and not just themself?

Would they be quick to anger? Or would they be calm, cool, and collected?

Would they expect someone would 'owe' them something simply because of doing a good deed? Or would they do good deeds freely without expectation?

Would they allow someone to trample over their self-respect? Or would they calmly and confidently set and enforce their own personal boundaries?

Be a man who can answer YES to the second set of questions. 

You can be a man who is both assertive and decisive when need be, and tender when need be, and considerate - all without having to give up your own self-respect or your own self-worth. THAT is the kind of man you should be modeling.

Best wishes.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

I agree with Enchantment; she is spot on! Women need a balance of alpha and beta. Do some reading on MMSL about Captain and First Officer. 

Also check out "The Five Love Languages." My wife is not naturally affectionate either because it is not HER love language. She tries because it is MY love language. 

The other thing is that many women have "responsive desire" meaning they probably won't initiate. Here is a good explanation:

do you know when you want it? | Emily Nagoski :: sex nerd ::

One thing that MMSL will do is help you set boundaries for bad behavior. Not in a mean way, but in a calm assertive way.

Hope this helps! (BTW...married 39 years here and have worked through some of these issues)


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

> Originally Posted by spudster
> What was she like before the wedding?
> Posted via Mobile Device
> 
> Are you talking sex wise or in general


I see three possibilities:

1) She wanted a husband. She let herself go and the sex was hot and frequent before the wedding. She lured you in and made you think she was going to be a hellcat in bed for the rest of your lives. She pressured you to marry her and you caved. After the wedding, and she had you hooked and strung up, she no longer had to pretend she liked sex. The boot knocking slowed to a crawl and now she treats you like you're a leper, and plans to do so for the rest of your marriage. You are a meal ticket for her, nothing more. 

I know its hard for fragile minds to believe, but there are cold hearted women out there who do this.

OR...

2) She's having a physical affair with someone else and has done a good job of hiding it. 

OR..

3) She was frigid and non-sexual before the marriage and you thought so much of yourself that you knew you could squeeze blood from the turnip and transform her into a wanton lover. 
If that was the case, then you deserve what you get for marrying a cold fish.


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