# Question for all you spies out there



## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

So long story short, Ive been spying on my wifes email due to her emailing her ex starting in Aug. She stopped emailing back and forth when him in late Sept, and there hasnt been any since...until today. He sent a fwd email about some local event here in town saying something like 'hey thought this could help your business'. We all know the email is BS and just a way for him to start up convo again...so here is my question...

She hasnt seent the email yet, and she isnt very technical. Do I leave the email up to see if/how she responds to it then react accordingly? Or would you send all the emails to spam so she never ever gets the emails (unless she looks which she prob never would).


I see this from both ways, and need to make my decision tonight since she is sleeping and her email is up. While I do want to know how she will react when she sees the email, if she starts up conversation with him again I will be furious. On the other hand, I feel if she never sees another email from him (due to them all going into spam), then she wont ever be tempted to write back to him. 

Before anyone chimes in saying there are bigger problems in our relationship yes I know, I dont want to discuss all of that. I just want to know, if you were in my spot, would you keep the email there to see her response, or would you delete it and always wonder how she would have responded, but atleast know the temptation never reached her. Thoughts?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I would go with your first option, to see how it plays out. You need to bring yourself to some sort of peace of mind, and you need this. It's invasive of privacy, but it's understandable in my opinion.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Soooo...any reason why you haven't simply asked her why she feels the need to e-mail the ex? This is one of the pit falls to going into "clandestine ops mode", where you are so intent on looking to see if he or she starts to escalate the chatter that you lose site of the fact that the emotional connection is being strengthened as a result of you hanging in the background while giving your wife more and more rope to hang herself with...

JMHO, but as a husband, you are responsible for the health of your wife just like she is responsible for you. That means that sometimes you will need to save her from herself even if she doesn't realize that she needs a guiding hand to help her from making a huge mistake. Confront now. If she starts to complain about you invading her privacy - tell her that there should be no privacy in a marriage when it comes to relationships with other people. You should know everything about who she associates with and what goes on between them just like she should know all about who you hang out with and the gist of what you are doing with your friends.


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## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

Yea the more I think about it, I cant always be filtering her life, so I might as well find out now. When she was emailing him before, I was real close to finally saying something but the convo never turned out of the innocent realm so I kept my mouth shut, then she stopped replying to him. I look at it as a gamble, either she deletes the email and I know she is finally over it, or she responds and I have to go through all this again (which I wont), and basically tell her that I finally know. If I delete it and she never sees it, we go on like nothing has changed. So do I gamble and either get a super positive or super negative outcome? Or not gamble and delete and wonder...


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## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Soooo...any reason why you haven't simply asked her why she feels the need to e-mail the ex? This is one of the pit falls to going into "clandestine ops mode", where you are so intent on looking to see if he or she starts to escalate the chatter that you lose site of the fact that the emotional connection is being strengthened as a result of you hanging in the background while giving your wife more and more rope to hang herself with...
> 
> JMHO, but as a husband, you are responsible for the health of your wife just like she is responsible for you. That means that sometimes you will need to save her from herself even if she doesn't realize that she needs a guiding hand to help her from making a huge mistake. Confront now. If she starts to complain about you invading her privacy - tell her that there should be no privacy in a marriage when it comes to relationships with other people. You should know everything about who she associates with and what goes on between them just like she should know all about who you hang out with and the gist of what you are doing with your friends.


I struggled with do I tell her do I not for a couple reasons which I laid out in other threads. She is super defensive about privacy and basically goes on teh super offensive if she is caught. I could caught her in a motel room bed and she will kick and scream like its my fault. That alone isnt enough to make me not say anything, but also even though they emailed for 2 months, it always remained innocent. Not once did she say she missed him, talked bad about me or the marriage, etc. If it ever got to that level then I would step in. I can only say that i know 'once' so Ive been waiting for enough rope to actually hang her with, as you put. In this scenario...do I save her from herself and just not give her the option to start this EA back up (and always wonder)? or use this as a gift to see where her mind is REALLY at?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Since you admit that her previous "convo never turned out of the innocent realm" and YET you are still being EATEN UP with suspicion; I would suspect that if you send this email to "junk" you will just DRIVE YOURSELF NUTS wondering how she 'would' have handled this...and thinking the worst.

Give her a chance, she may (yet again) surprise you. If she does and she IGNORES his new email, will you QUIT SUSPECTING HER (since it does all seem to be in YOUR head)?


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## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Since you admit that her previous "convo never turned out of the innocent realm" and YET you are still being EATEN UP with suspicion; I would suspect that if you send this email to "junk" you will just DRIVE YOURSELF NUTS wondering how she 'would' have handled this...and thinking the worst.
> 
> Give her a chance, she may (yet again) surprise you. If she does and she IGNORES his new email, will you QUIT SUSPECTING HER (since it does all seem to be in YOUR head)?


well, when I say it was in the innocent realm, it was right on the border. She basically was apologizing for how they ended and all that stuff, with his every email asking to 'meet up for a drink to bury the hatchet'. She never did take the bait but I knew she was probably tempted. I chaulked it up to her just trying to fix a past wrong, so I was cool with it. Whats funny is that during those 2 months, she never left her email up (she has left it up for the first 8 years of our relationship), so thats how i knew something was up. Just a few weeks ago she started leaving her email up again (which signaled to me that she wasnt 'hiding' anything anymore), then he emails again. So actually, if I walk by her computer tomorrow and her email is down, I know that she is going to respond to him, meaning that my gamble lost.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

How do you know she won't just tell him, "Look, Fred, I remember the old times fondly, but that's all they are: OLD TIMES. We will not be catching up, or meeting for drinks, or anything else. Good luck to you & Mrs. Fred, have a wonderful life together."


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## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

well thats the gamble. If she says that, or deletes it (which is more her style) then I would be very optimistic about our future. Or she could be like 'omg thanks you are so sweet, so whats been going on with you', and i have more months of bs to deal with. I am a gambling man though...


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I'll admit I haven't read your others posts (that I recall offhand), so all I can go by is what's posted here. ALL was innocent. So if she says, "Wow, that was so sweet of you to think of our business. I'll be sure to show this to my hubby. How is your life going? Did you ever start that petting zoo/landscaping business/tire recycling business you always wanted to?" *THAT* is going to prove she's just steps away from cheating on you?

Does she have a history of cheating on you?
Is she so naive/simple-minded that exes could 'trick' her into bed while she is all innocent and unaware?
I guess I'm unsure WHAT it is you're basing her perceived sins (or contemplated sins) on?!?

Not trying to pick a fight, Mr. Pink, I'm just REALLY not seeing cause for concern here. Is it because *HE* keeps wanting to meet for drinks? If so, she has certainly turned him down forever, hasn't she?


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## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I'll admit I haven't read your others posts (that I recall offhand), so all I can go by is what's posted here. ALL was innocent. So if she says, "Wow, that was so sweet of you to think of our business. I'll be sure to show this to my hubby. How is your life going? Did you ever start that petting zoo/landscaping business/tire recycling business you always wanted to?" *THAT* is going to prove she's just steps away from cheating on you?
> 
> Does she have a history of cheating on you?
> Is she so naive/simple-minded that exes could 'trick' her into bed while she is all innocent and unaware?
> ...



These are very good points. No she does not have a history of cheating. I guess I am just extra sensative to him because a few years back, she left me for him. When me and her were having problems in the summer, her first thing she did was reach out to him and try to rectify her behavior 5 years ago (which was basically leaving him to get back with me). Thats why I was real worried when she reached back out because I thought history was about to repeat itself but this time I woudl have been prepared. She eventually stopped emailing him once she said her peace, even though he kept asking to meet up. I chalked it up to her just going through some rough stuff mentally and her feeling she needed to correct that part of her past, not necessarily reconnect wit him. He does live in a far away city so I guess that is an advantage that they couldnt meet up easily or if at all without it being very obvious.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I'll admit I haven't read your others posts (that I recall offhand), so all I can go by is what's posted here. ALL was innocent. So if she says, "Wow, that was so sweet of you to think of our business. I'll be sure to show this to my hubby. How is your life going? Did you ever start that petting zoo/landscaping business/tire recycling business you always wanted to?" *THAT* is going to prove she's just steps away from cheating on you?
> 
> Does she have a history of cheating on you?
> Is she so naive/simple-minded that exes could 'trick' her into bed while she is all innocent and unaware?
> ...


Let's call a spade a spade here. I only know of Mr. Pink based on this thread alone. But from what you post, it sounds like he has opined about his wife in more than one thread and has not said anything about this ex to her at all. Hey, it's great that she has been turning this ex down for drinks. But you know the saying that if you play with fire long enough you'll eventually get burnt. So the wife continues to e-mail this ex for awhile and the OP quietly monitors in the background. What if the wife finally decides - after refusing to meet up with the ex 30 times or 40 times - that the 41st try she decides "yes". Where does that leave Mr. Pink? The longer he lets this fester, the more likely the chance is that his wife slowly develops feelings for the OM. I'm sure there are plenty of examples where torrid love affairs start out as simple, innocent chats on e-mail or FB...


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Oh, well HELL, *THAT* is a whole NOTHER story! So five years ago she left you to go to him?!?

Then she left HIM to come back to you?!?

Then this summer when you two had a falling-out, SHE started emailing to him?

Okay, NOW I see why you are so suspicious; can't say I blame you one bit. Definitely let her see the email. At least you'll know where you stand. If she would leave you again, you'd rather know it now and get it done, wouldn't you? If she's THROUGH with him, then every day will be a baby-step toward rebuilding your trust.

Good luck, man!


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## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Let's call a spade a spade here. I only know of Mr. Pink based on this thread alone. But from what you post, it sounds like he has opined about his wife in more than one thread and has not said anything about this ex to her at all. Hey, it's great that she has been turning this ex down for drinks. But you know the saying that if you play with fire long enough you'll eventually get burnt. So the wife continues to e-mail this ex for awhile and the OP quietly monitors in the background. What if the wife finally decides - after refusing to meet up with the ex 30 times or 40 times - that the 41st try she decides "yes". Where does that leave Mr. Pink? The longer he lets this fester, the more likely the chance is that his wife slowly develops feelings for the OM. I'm sure there are plenty of examples where torrid love affairs start out as simple, innocent chats on e-mail or FB...


And thats basically the other side of it. On one hand, I cant filter her life, but cant I minimize her temptations? When you read MMSLP it talks about not creating situations for your wife to fall to temptation, like having a male friend stay over she likes, etc. Granted I am not creating this situation, but if I have the power to reduce temptations, should I take them?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I don't know; if you 'junk' her email to 'save her from temptation' aren't you being her DADDY instead of her partner?

If you don't have TRUST, you don't have ANYTHING (including a marriage.) Let her read it and go from there. You can't protect your wife from EVERY possible temptation in life. Do you think THIS is the ONLY MAN she could ever find attractive? Gonna start restricting her to the house?

If you can't trust her, then you shouldn't be married to her; plain and simple! I mean that sincerely. Life is TOO SHORT to make yourself NUTS with a spouse who can't be trusted. YOU are worth being faithful to. YOU are worth being treated with dignity and respect. YOU are worth a lifetime of ease-of-mind, faithfulness, love, devotion, attention. If you're NOT GETTING THAT, then what do you really have? A roommate situation? Friends with benefits?


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## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

Very true, I am just over sensitive with this one guy, and its compounded since we have been having problems. Normally I would trust her completely but for someone reason (actually good reason), this one bothers me. Not sure if that clouds my judgement or what I should do, but you are very right. I should let this play out and if she starts closing her email and sparking convo again then I know she isnt the one I need to be with


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I'm sending you a TAM-approved *hug*; sounds like you've been through the wringer!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Mr Pink said:


> even though they emailed for 2 months, it always remained innocent. Not once did she say she missed him, talked bad about me or the marriage, etc.


So what is it you're going to say to her about this? 

"Hey, wife, I "caught" you emailing casually with someone, and you didn't say anything out of the ordinary, how dare you!"

I'm obviously missing something.


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## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

norajane said:


> So what is it you're going to say to her about this?
> 
> "Hey, wife, I "caught" you emailing casually with someone, and you didn't say anything out of the ordinary, how dare you!"
> 
> I'm obviously missing something.


Thats why I never said anything back when she was doing it. While I do feel any communication with an ex is not appropriate, I didnt feel the words said warranted me saying anything. Still though, I dont want them emailing into infinity, even if its about nothing. She knows I would be pissed bc she knew to change her email password.


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## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

And it isnt just 'someone'. Its the guy she left me for 5 years ago. You can understand my concern when she hasnt talked to him since then, we start having problems, and the first thing she does is email him.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Hey, wife, I "caught" you emailing casually with someone


yeah, the part you missed is that "someone" is the man she LEFT HER HUSBAND FOR 5 years ago; then dumped him to return to husband.

As soon as she and husband had a problem this summer, she started emailing Other Man to apologize/resolve the way she left him (dumped him) 5 years ago to return to husband. Other Man has been asking her to meet him for drinks since they started up emailing each other again this summer.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Mr Pink said:


> And it isnt just 'someone'. Its the guy she left me for 5 years ago. You can understand my concern when she hasnt talked to him since then, we start having problems, and the first thing she does is email him.


If she has a thing about privacy, you won't get much of a chance to make your point that you are concerned about this. She won't hear you, and she won't want to understand. She'll be angry about the invasion of privacy. Or she'll be hurt. Either way, she won't like it. 

I'm assuming you've been working on your problems? He didn't cause the problems between you; he might be a symptom. Don't lose the forest for the trees.


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## Mr Pink (Sep 26, 2012)

Not to be an ass, but in my first post I wrote that I didnt want to hear about the 'bigger problems' in our relationship. One of the things I dont like about posting on TAM is that most people have specific questions to specific instances, and get the general response 'it seems there are larger things wrong with your relationship here'. I understand that it is needed to give context, but dislike how that is a default answer. 

He didnt cause the problem between us now or then, but she ran to him once, and may do it again. So do I let it play out so I know, or cut off the chance before it has the ability to happen...that is the question. I am leaning more towards letting it play out.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Mr Pink said:


> I just want to know, if you were in my spot, would you keep the email there to see her response, or would you delete it and always wonder how she would have responded, but atleast know the temptation never reached her. Thoughts?


This is what I did when I was in your spot (or your spot the first time you noticed it). http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ition-anyway-did-i-over-react.html#post726990

Do your self and your wife a favor and put an end to it now ... In no uncertain terms. Don't be passive.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, since you were reluctant to provide more background, I'll do it for you. I only did a quick skim through a few of your other threads so this is what I found:


You've been married for 3 years, dated longer than that. Five years ago while dating she left you to be with this OM. Came back to you and you married her 2 years later.
For the past 6 - 8 months, your wife told you that she no longer wanted to have sex with you, that the two of you may never have sex again and that she loves you but has no sexual attraction to you.
Shortly after you were cut off from her sexually, she contacted her ex - the one she left you for 5 years ago - to reconnect again. Right now the e-mails and texts are harmless. However, she said she said she was sorry for leaving him to go back to you.
She bad mouths you behind your back to her single friends - the friends who would be most likely to try to find her another guy if she asked for it.
While the two of you were in your dry spell, she confided with a friend that she felt the hots for a bartender at a wedding the 2 of you attended. Next day, she tried to find him on FB. Evidently, she got some info about him while she was flirting with him - which is unusual for your wife in your words.

Based on these facts that I gleaned from your other threads, using this as the context, you are asking if what she is doing is harmless by talking to the old flame and if you should be worried. The answers are "yes" and "yes". Let's be honest here. Her sex drive is fine. She is not attracted to you. You also wrote that you invested in some toys for your wife and that she has been using them frequently - plus she read 50 shades of gray 3 times now. So her libido is fine.

You also wrote that your wife agreed to reconnect with you sexually again roughly 2 - 3 weeks ago. Are the 2 of you having fulfilling sex regularly, having sex that is not great or has she gone dry again? 

One more question. Do you have kids? I can't recall if you do or not but if you don't then why isn't she working outside the house?


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