# 13 year old son is on the verge of hitting me. His father (my ex) has no interest



## Remains

My 13 year old son is moments away from hitting me. This has been on the cards for about 2 years now. My children's father offers little or no support with my children's behaviour, or anything else for that matter. When I have called him to tell him in the past, telling him if we do not nip this in the bud immediately, then he tries to make out I have caused it, he can understand why my son gets so cross because he knows what I am like! He is also very bitter about our split (I kicked him out due to his actions, so his fault we split but I chose to break up due to his actions, therefore he can blame me!). He has attempted to poison our kids against me on some unbelievable levels. He tries to hurt me through the kids. Hurting me is more important to him than his own children's happiness. And so my children have been caught up I'm all this vitriol. 

What do I do to ensure my son, who is a big boy, bigger than me, pretty much fully developed (manly-wise) has size 10 feet (uk size), what do I do to make sure he doesn't go to the next step, him hitting me. I am very worried.


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## Thewife

Why would he want to hit you? Is it only when he is angry? Does he show affection towards you?


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## Remains

My son has displayed a disrespectful attitude to me for a very long time. The beginnings of it go back to when he was about 7 or 8 yrs old when me & his father were still together. It began with basically treating me as if my words meant nothing. Anything I said would be argued against and not taken seriously. I would be treated like, and still am, the annoying little sister. I used to take this issue to their father who would basically say I was making it up. That I was making a mountain out of a molehill. That I was imagining it. Their father had little respect for me in our relationship. And he is extremely manipulative. To the point where he could murder his own mother and have everyone feeling sorry for him, and that his mother obviously deserved it. He could argue with u that black was white, and he'd prove it to u. He was unhelpful in our relationship, and unsupportive as a father and as a partner. He worked and felt that that was all he had to do in order to maintain our 'marriage'. I took my son out for his 1st game of football down the park (he was our 1st born) and indeed any games we had down the park, I took the children out at weekends while he stayed at home and did nothing. I did all the 'women's' jobs, and all the 'men's', the d.i.y. the garden, the finances, the car. Even when I worked full time between the birth of my 1st and 2nd child, and my partner was a stay at home dad, he still did nothing at home. My 2days off were spent seeing to bills, sorting anything out in town that needed doing, and cleaning all the mess from a weeks worth of nothing being done ready for my partner to make another week of mess for me to clean. He thought looking after our son was hard work enough and he didn't have to do anything else. When he worked full time, he also felt he didn't have to do anything but that. He even went down a day at work so he had a 3 day weekend in order to get the things done that he didn't have the 'time' to do on the 2days off. It just meant he had 3 days of doing nothing instead if 2. I was no doormat and would tell my ex so many times I was deeply unhappy, that he had to do more to help, that he did nothing to help. Obviously nicely at 1st, as time went on and as nothing changed I would get depressed and angry. Everytime I took a problem to him I came away feeling like it was all my fault that I had issues, and what was wrong with me. It was me that caused all the problems by being bothered by them. I had 11 years with this man, and what my son saw was poor dad with mum having a go at him. Because any row we had turned into my fault. It was always accusations of how awful I am to him, and poor him. So my son has been fed this for a very long time. My ex never admitted his faults or failings, always laid them firmly at my feet. He was so so manipulative, I never realised the full extent until we were split and I was able to look back on things. I always knew I was deeply unhappy, knew in moments of clarity why, but mostly I believed him, that my unhappiness was down to me and my problems. Such was his ability to manipulate. My children has also witnessed him being violent to me. Very rare, but witnessed it all the same.

I provide all for my son, his father in the 3 and half yrs we've been split has provided no financial support towards his children in all that time. He worked full time for first couple of years, and over the last year or so has developed health problems so that he now cannot work. And so now, I don't expect him to contribute, but when he could he didn't. I pay for my children's nice clothes, phone bills, school trips, music lessons, clubs, and so on. I take the lions share of looking after them on a day to day basis, I take full share of financial responsibility towards them, I love them and tell them so regularly. 

And no, my son shows very little affection towards me. I have to now make sure I show him affection as I often don't feel like doing so when my whole relationship with him is a one way street.


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## Remains

Oh yeah, and he wants to hit me when he is angry at me. I turned his x-box off last night because he was being disrespectful to me. When I pointed out he was being disrespectful he was pretty much arguing against it, no recognition, no 'oops sorry', nothing. Just justifying it. So I turned the xbox off and told him to go to bed, it was basically bed time anyway but I was allowing him to stay up a little later to have a play on the box. He had a mini tantrum and came moments away from hitting me. He has raised his hand to me before and stopped himself, just, but I feel we are only a hair breadth away from him following through with it. 

I spoke with him this morning and still he fails to recognise he did anything wrong. It was ok because he wasn't going to hit me and had no intention of doing so (I raised my arm to shield myself as he came at me, closed my eyes and braced myself for the thump, this was how close I felt I was to being hit). He says if I felt like he was going to hit me then that is nothing to do with him and is my fault because it us my perception.


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## Remains

P.s. My son is a lovely boy, polite, good, highly intelligent, loving (though not to me). He is a son to be very proud of. And yet he harbours this deep negativaty towards me and only me. His father gets total love from him. He shows more displays of affection to his 'annoying little sister' than me. I have to ask for any affection I get, and even then it is given as a chore.


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## accept

If your son was like this when you were married why did you 'take' him when you split. 
Women have to realise when they 'split' and take little boys that they grow up.


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## gonefishin

I think you need to talk to your x about going to FC for the sake of your son. I have never been, but common sense tells me if both parents are there with the son it would help mend old wounds.


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## Remains

accept said:


> If your son was like this when you were married why did you 'take' him when you split.
> Women have to realise when they 'split' and take little boys that they grow up.


I don't know why I bother to answer your post. You have obviously not read mine and are looking at my situation through your own bitter experiences. But answer it I will.

I did not 'take' him when we split. I have actively encouraged contact and co-parenting. And indeed, after long hard and very difficult consideration, after going to their father numerous times to tell him things were not right (and having it thrown back in my face, or complete refusal to acknowledge any problem or address it. Even just the fact that our son is obviously unhappy because happy children don't behave like that) even though it was like a stab through the heart and giving up on my child, I took my son down to his Dad's and said I won't stand in your way if son wants to live with u (while saying to my son I love him very much & am not asking for this, but offering due to make him happy because that is what is important & there will always be room at my house for him etc). He is obviously happy with u (Dad) and not with me. His Dad did not want this. I have since asked my son if he would like to move to his Dad's. He has said no. He would like to stay with me. Even through his Dad being nasty, difficult, poisoning my children etc I have never stopped him seeing his children, and have encouraged it.


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## Remains

gonefishin said:


> I think you need to talk to your x about going to FC for the sake of your son. I have never been, but common sense tells me if both parents are there with the son it would help mend old wounds.


I agree and have suggested it. He seems happy to do it on the surface, but from experience I know he will not deal with the real issue. Which is why my son is like this, where has he learnt this behaviour? From experience in trying to sort things out with him through outside agencies, he manipulated the truth and plays a victim. And a victim he is not! I have been to my doctors to get support and they don't offer it. I cannot afford to pay for it as a single mum and the ex will not contribute as he pleads broke all the time. I have been back to the doctors again recently and have begged for some support. They are finally offering us some avenues of help, though that is just in its initial stages (help for me & both kids. I refuse to have any personal contact with my ex now after trying to make things good for 3yrs and all I get is head screwed up and seeing my kids having the same, but so subtle they do not see it, his manipulations put all he does as good (even though he does nothing) and all I do as bad, if we disagree on anything at all I am the bad person, the person at fault. All the good I do is overlooked because after all that is what I am supposed to do as a mother. Yet he never takes them out, does little with them, and no financial contribution. So how come I get all the sh*t?). Also, FC is a longer term solution. I would really like any advice as to how I can deal with this in a more immediate way when it happens, alongside the longer term solutions which I hope will help. If anyone has any? It would be welcomed. 

I feel much of how my son behaves with me was learnt from his Dad when we were together, and continued with subtle manipulative actions that completely undermined me when we split. He reinforces the behaviour in how he behaves. But how do I deal with what is now the fallout? How do I best deal with my situation now as it stands?


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## WEBELONG2GETHER

Most people will not like my reply, but here goes. i have a 19 year old son who stands taller than me. he is also stronger. the last time i had to discipline him he was 11 years old. he was rude, disrespectful and almost crossed the line. i kicked his a$$, plain and simple. no child of mine will ever cross the line and get away with it. we have never had that problem again. end of story

you have to stand up to him before he gets older or you will never have control. he knows you are afraid of him. he is respectful to everyone but you. because he knows he does not have to show you respect, there are no consequences to his behavior. if you do not put your foot down now, it will only get worse. you cannot wait for his father to do something, its on you


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## accept

*I don't know why I bother to answer your post. You have obviously not read mine and are looking at my situation through your own bitter experiences. But answer it I will.*
Thanks.
My 'bitter' experiences are unlike yours. Your posts here are read by many who are similar to you. The replies here may not be useful to you but they could be to many others.
You have no choice except to involve your ex. You cant manage on your own. So the question here is how to get him involved. My post was leading up to this, to find out the background why you are on your own.


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## EleGirl

Your son probably acts this way because he has seen your ex treat you badly for a long time. So he thinks he can do it as well.

You need to find a way to stand up to your son and your son needs anger management.

Do not depend on your ex. As you already know he will not do anything to help. So stop asking him.

It's not unusual for a son to get abusive of a mother who he sees as weak. Boys that age will also start to try to lock horns with their fathers as well as they get into their teens.

Your best best is to see a counselor with your son. They can help. Do let your son know that if he lays a hand on your that you will call 911 and he will end up in jail with domestic violence charges. You have to let him know this and follow through if you want him to take you seriously.

I had similar problems with my step son at this age. His father was traveling. So I was home alone with my 2 step children and my son. My step son was acting up and it was bed time. He would not quiet down and go to his room. So I went to his room and took his stereo. That angered him. He started yelling and then picked up a chain is had in his room (don't know why it was there) and he started to swing it around to hit me with it. The other 2 kids called 911. The police showed up. This 13 year old charmer thought that he had rights to do what he wanted and told the cops to leave him alone and went on and on about how I was mean 'cause I took his stereo. They did not arrest him. But they told him that I was right to take the stereo.. and if he was their son they would have taken him to be back and given him a good whooping. And that the next time they were called for anything like this he was going to the D-home.


Never had to call the cops again. He was a difficult, angry child because his mother had abandoned the family. But he was never quite that bad ever again.

I read of one mother who took martial arts classes to handle her teen son. It only took her once over powering him when he tried to go after her. AFter that he was respectful and behaved a lot better. When your mom can whoop your a$$ I guess a teen boy will look at her a lot differently.

You have to assert yourself.


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## Keren49

WEBELONG2GETHER said:


> Most people will not like my reply, but here goes. i have a 19 year old son who stands taller than me. he is also stronger. the last time i had to discipline him he was 11 years old. he was rude, disrespectful and almost crossed the line. i kicked his a$$, plain and simple. no child of mine will ever cross the line and get away with it. we have never had that problem again. end of story
> 
> you have to stand up to him before he gets older or you will never have control. he knows you are afraid of him. he is respectful to everyone but you. because he knows he does not have to show you respect, there are no consequences to his behavior. if you do not put your foot down now, it will only get worse. you cannot wait for his father to do something, its on you


I was in a similar situation as you, but I didn't kick his ass or anything like that. He son was becoming more disrespectful and irresponsible when his dad left us, he was showing bad behavior and I was afraid that if I let that attitude get away it will become worst and in the future I will have trouble disciplining him. So i sent him to a boot camp to teach him manners and good conduct.


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## Remains

Thankyou for all your replies. I believe I have done a fair bit of it already, will answer each post one by one, I am no soft touch but I guess I am in some ways otherwise he wouldn't dare treat me like this. Though could this be a mother/father difference? I know for me, my mum was softer than my dad and so I viewed them different and got away with more with my mum, and knew so. Dad's are scarier! I know for a lot of people this is the case. And to what extent do I lay down the law/whoop his as*? I don't want to push him away completely or make him feel more negative feelings towards me. I need to show him I won't stand for it though, and there will be consequences if he doesn't respect me.





WEBELONG2GETHER said:


> Most people will not like my reply, but here goes. i have a 19 year old son who stands taller than me. he is also stronger. the last time i had to discipline him he was 11 years old. he was rude, disrespectful and almost crossed the line. i kicked his a$$, plain and simple....
> 
> you have to stand up to him before he gets older or you will never have control. he knows you are afraid of him. he is respectful to everyone but you. because he knows he does not have to show you respect, there are no consequences to his behavior. if you do not put your foot down now, it will only get worse. you cannot wait for his father to do something, its on you


I like your reply  and do not disagree at all. The last time it got this close was some time ago, possibly a yr ago or more, he 'fronted up' to me and I really thought he was going to hit me. He was certainly threatening to in his behaviour. I could not believe he did this, next thing I had him down on the kitchen floor telling him he'd better not, ever, ever dare, do this again, how dare he etc. I sent him to his room while we both calmed down, kept him off school (this was on a school morn just before he was about to leave. I had suffered a weekend of disrespectful behaviour and this was the crescendo) I took the day off work. Having told his dad that things would escalate if he did not support with our son's behaviour/disrespect, told him where it would lead, here now was the harvest. I took him to his dads and told him our son wasn't coming back to mine until we put things in place to ensure no repeat. My son completely understood that this had to happen & that we needed this, time apart + things in place. Dad never spoke to me about how we will sort, and 10 days later (back to my wknd with kids, 1st one since the incident) my son turned up at mine. His Dad told him to come back, no arrangements with me. I knew nothing. Tried to contact Dad, nothing. Was going to sit outside house with son til back if necessary. Finally locate him & he gone away to visit friend for wknd! I was distraught. Father had absolutely no care for his son or son's wellbeing. My son, from this point, had a complete turnaround. His behaviour became respectful, his anger normal for boy of his age. But it started creeping back in  And now I am here.



accept said:


> My 'bitter' experiences are unlike yours. Your posts here are read by many who are similar to you. The replies here may not be useful to you but they could be to many others.
> 
> You have no choice except to involve your ex. You cant manage on your own. So the question here is how to get him involved. My post was leading up to this, to find out the background why you are on your own.


1. Your replies are useful when they refer to the problem in hand, and offer some advice that is needed. This does not seem a different POV, this is an ignoring of all I have written, and answering something that is so off the wall it sounds like u answered the wrong thread.
2. If you had read my thread u would know that I have involved my ex. And he is not interested. If you have any ideas that will enforce/encourage interest then they will be well received. 



EleGirl said:


> ... The police showed up. This 13 year old charmer thought that he had rights to do what he wanted and told the cops to leave him alone and went on and on about how I was mean 'cause I took his stereo.
> 
> Never had to call the cops again. He was a difficult, angry child because his mother had abandoned the family. But he was never quite that bad ever again.
> 
> I read of one mother who took martial arts classes to handle her teen son. It only took her once over powering him when he tried to go after her. AFter that he was respectful and behaved a lot better. When your mom can whoop your a$$ I guess a teen boy will look at her a lot differently.
> 
> You have to assert yourself.


 Yes, maybe learning martial arts would be a good avenue. 

My son lost all privileges after several days of crap at Xmas, he lost rights to phone, tv, xbox and computer. Indefinitely. Til his behaviour was better, his attitude more respectful, and that he was like this for an extended period of time. He probably spent 4-6 weeks without, I needed 2 weeks of good behaviour (on the whole) before he got any back. He was a joy to be around during this time...mostly 

And I told him after the incident the other day that if he ever laid a finger on me then I would call the police.



Keren49 said:


> So i sent him to a boot camp to teach him manners and good conduct.


I wish we had boot camp in England! Maybe we do? I will have to have a look. Does anyone else know of any UK boot camp type things?


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## MSP

Wait, why are you going to the doctor?


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## raising5boyz

So first I will admit on only read your original post as I am at school and strapped for time...but thought I would share a bit....take it or leave it as with any advice! 

My oldest son had some extreme anger issues for a while. At first I took the approach of force....pinned him to the ground until he would calm down. However at age 10 he outgrew me. I knew that if it continued in the same manner....one of us was gonna get hurt! So instead we had a LONG talk. I straight out told him that if he ever hurt one of his brother or me....I would have no choice but to call the police. I told him I was defenseless physically against him, and with him being so large in stature he would have to mature mentally/emotionally to compensate. Bottom line was he could no longer act his age when it came to anger. In a time of complete calm between us we established so "no questions asked" rules. They were:

1. At anytime either of us could call a timeout. It meant we would BOTH go to our rooms and calm down. It was not meant as a punishment, but as a break. Yes this gave him some'power' in a way....but life is about compromise. 
2. We would get up before everyone else in the house to have some alone time. We went for walks together....it was a great way to be able to communicate...reinforce rules...discuss frustrations...it REALLY helped!
3. He knew...no ifs, ands, or buts that I WOULD call the police if needed. Not out of anger....but because it was my only option. We discussed this in great detail.

IT WORKED!!! Never again was in in fear of him hurting me. He has turned into a very mellow very well adjusted teenager. I told my fiance about my sons previous anger issues....he almost didn't believe me!

Good luck....wish the best to you and your son.


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## Hope1964

EleGirl said:


> Your son probably acts this way because he has seen your ex treat you badly for a long time. So he thinks he can do it as well.
> 
> You need to find a way to stand up to your son and your son needs anger management.
> 
> Do not depend on your ex. As you already know he will not do anything to help. So stop asking him.
> 
> It's not unusual for a son to get abusive of a mother who he sees as weak. Boys that age will also start to try to lock horns with their fathers as well as they get into their teens.
> 
> Your best best is to see a counselor with your son. They can help. Do let your son know that if he lays a hand on your that you will call 911 and he will end up in jail with domestic violence charges. You have to let him know this and follow through if you want him to take you seriously.
> You have to assert yourself.


:iagree: I have two sons who are now 22 and 20, but went through some difficult times for sure. Their father is not in the picture at ALL, which has been a blessing because he isn't around to poison their minds. And their stepdad pretty much left raising them up to me (my choice) and just helped out when I asked. So I basically raised them myself.

They have threatened physical violence with me but when I've stood up to them they always backed down.


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## Remains

MSP said:


> Wait, why are you going to the doctor?


I have gone to the doctor to get some support, counselling for me, for him, for us. Anything really. I cannot afford to pay private, and the NHS in England provides different things in different areas. Different levels of support. I hoped to get family support through the NHS


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## Remains

raising5boyz said:


> So first I will admit on only read your original post as I am at school and strapped for time...but thought I would share a bit....take it or leave it as with any advice!
> 
> My oldest son had some extreme anger issues for a while. At first I took the approach of force....pinned him to the ground until he would calm down. However at age 10 he outgrew me. I knew that if it continued in the same manner....one of us was gonna get hurt! So instead we had a LONG talk. I straight out told him that if he ever hurt one of his brother or me....I would have no choice but to call the police. I told him I was defenseless physically against him, and with him being so large in stature he would have to mature mentally/emotionally to compensate. Bottom line was he could no longer act his age when it came to anger. In a time of complete calm between us we established so "no questions asked" rules. They were:
> 
> 1. At anytime either of us could call a timeout. It meant we would BOTH go to our rooms and calm down. It was not meant as a punishment, but as a break. Yes this gave him some'power' in a way....but life is about compromise.
> 2. We would get up before everyone else in the house to have some alone time. We went for walks together....it was a great way to be able to communicate...reinforce rules...discuss frustrations...it REALLY helped!
> 3. He knew...no ifs, ands, or buts that I WOULD call the police if needed. Not out of anger....but because it was my only option. We discussed this in great detail.
> 
> IT WORKED!!! Never again was in in fear of him hurting me. He has turned into a very mellow very well adjusted teenager. I told my fiance about my sons previous anger issues....he almost didn't believe me!
> 
> Good luck....wish the best to you and your son.


I really like your post. I hope I can get that same result with my son. I think he would respond well to this as he is incredibly mature for his age.


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## Bobby5000

As a man I worried. Some suggestions.

1. Do not scream at him in difficult situations. This is a risk

2. Consider counseling.

3. Try to discuss issues and problems in a calm way. Read men are from Mars Women are from Venue to learn about how boys and men communicate. 






Remains said:


> My 13 year old son is moments away from hitting me. This has been on the cards for about 2 years now. My children's father offers little or no support with my children's behaviour, or anything else for that matter. When I have called him to tell him in the past, telling him if we do not nip this in the bud immediately, then he tries to make out I have caused it, he can understand why my son gets so cross because he knows what I am like! He is also very bitter about our split (I kicked him out due to his actions, so his fault we split but I chose to break up due to his actions, therefore he can blame me!). He has attempted to poison our kids against me on some unbelievable levels. He tries to hurt me through the kids. Hurting me is more important to him than his own children's happiness. And so my children have been caught up I'm all this vitriol.
> 
> What do I do to ensure my son, who is a big boy, bigger than me, pretty much fully developed (manly-wise) has size 10 feet (uk size), what do I do to make sure he doesn't go to the next step, him hitting me. I am very worried.


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## that_girl

If he hits you, call the cops. Have him arrested for assault.

Check into anger management classes. 

Give him NO privileges in the home. No electronics, no sleeping in, nada. Chores and work. He sounds spoiled and knows just what to do to get what he wants.


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## Remains

that_girl said:


> If he hits you, call the cops. Have him arrested for assault.
> 
> Check into anger management classes.
> 
> Give him NO privileges in the home. No electronics, no sleeping in, nada. Chores and work. He sounds spoiled and knows just what to do to get what he wants.


I have told him that if he ever hits me I will call the police immediately.

And as for spoilt, I guess this does have a little truth to it, but only a grain. I expect more from him than most children his age, his peers. A lot of kids don't have to do anything for their mum's! he does. I ask him to do a job most days, and he is very good. He does them with very little protestation, if any. If there is bad behaviour, he loses stuff. As I think I already said, after a particularly bad Christmas he lost his phone, xbox, computer and tv for the duration. Indefinitely. Until his behaviour was decent enough for a long enough period to get them back again. He went without for about 6 weeks. Spoilt I think is not the issue. As I said in a previous post, he is a lovely boy, kind, polite, decent. He is a boy to be proud of. He doesn't demand and I give. He isn't a brat, and I am no walkover.


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## Remains

Bobby5000 said:


> As a man I worried. Some suggestions.
> 
> 1. Do not scream at him in difficult situations. This is a risk
> 
> 2. Consider counseling.
> 
> 3. Try to discuss issues and problems in a calm way. Read men are from Mars Women are from Venue to learn about how boys and men communicate.


I don't scream at him. Yes I get mad, and yes I do shout sometimes, though this is becoming less and less, though the stress I have to deal with regarding my children's behaviour has got me to the point of almost breakdown. And I have been pursuing counselling. There is basically a very dysfunctional pattern that I have to break, and he is at a point where it can be at a pretty scary level. The outburst I got from him, this happens incredibly infrequently, but there is a build up for some time before it, and that is the crescendo.


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## specwar

Be fair and be firm. Show love when it is deserved. Punish when it is deserved and let it go. One of the biggest mistakes parents make is talking about how angry they are and carrying a grudge around for hours, days, weeks because they keep telling themselves that it is better to warn of consequences when really they are doing it because the follow through on the part of the parent is the difficult part. Be consistent on your message and in your life. If you don't want him talking down to you and threatening you then you should not threaten. 

Set the guidlines and when they are not followed through then don't go overboard. The great thing about being consisten with discipline and punishment is that if the line is always there the child will respond. Will they push the line periodically (yes). Don't speak ill of others (family members). 

There are alot of forces working on our children. It is important to engage your children in open conversation often for general conversation. It is difficult to be physically angry with sombody you really know and understand. He is probably trying to withdraw during this age. It is common. And can be countered by not allowing them to withdraw by making time to have a consistent routing of having time together (dinner every evening) Use that time to talk about there day and don't be afraid to pull for more than the (fine) answer that they give. Engadge them and in their quiet time (when they are alone) they will think back to what you said. 

All of that is easy to write but the foundation of all of it is consistency. It is the consistency of each of these that will bring yours and every others child to understand and except what you are telling them even if they don't like it. 

Because I engadged my children at a young age we don't have fights. We do have disagreements. I encourage my children to let me know why they think that my decisions are not right and we discuss why and the how of my reaching a given decision. Your child is the perfect age for this. You have some ground to make up becuase is sounds like he has been able to withdraw after he disagrees. It is important to help him understand that it is easy to disagree and run (the cowards way out) It is much harder to disagree and remain and discuss. When you disagree it is important for both of you to feel like you have given all of your points and then withdraw to allow the other to think about what was said. If your arguments are reasonable and based on your concern for him he will see that as a re-afirmation of your love for him and he will be much less likely to hit or anything physical for that matter. 

There are no easy answers. If he does hit then you have to address it absolutely or there will be continued trouble.


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