# Question for You Guys Out There



## OnMyOwnat50 (Jan 28, 2013)

This is kind of a long post, so thanks to any of you who take the time to read it and respond…. I have been separated for 11 months now, and am nowhere ready to actively date yet but I have a question or two since it has been about 30 years since I’ve dated…. 

I reconnected with an old BF (from high school…. my first love) through “LinkedIn” about 7 months ago. He was also separated and in mediation to settle his divorce. Although he lives up north, it turns out that he comes to my area at least once a month for several days on business. Back in late February, when we first started exchanging emails, he told me he was coming to town and suggested that we meet for dinner and drinks. Dinner went well and he asked me out for dinner the next evening as well. He was in town again in early March and again we went out for dinner. He told me at that time that his boss told him he needed to relocate to this area since their headquarters office is here. Said he was supposed to move by early May (this still hasn’t happen because he is resisting living so far from his children…all in their 20s). He then sent an email inviting me for a weekend trip to Florida, where he had to go on business in early April. Said he would pay for my airfare, but only intended to get one hotel room. Said it would be a good test of our compatibility. I declined. Thought it was too soon and D24 was coming to town and I wanted to spend time with her. We saw each other one more time in late March and then he went totally incommunicado. I texted him…no response… I emailed him, no response… I didn’t hear anything from him for a number of weeks, although I did text him periodically if I knew some important date was coming up for him….such as his youngest son’s graduation from college.

One day he finally sent a text saying he had sent me an email. Read the email. He was apologizing for being a jerk. Said he found himself very attracted to me but was conflicted because neither of us is divorced yet. Said he was trying to respect his children’s wishes that he not date until his divorce was final. So in his words…he ran and hid. I get wanting to respect your kids’ wishes. However, the way he handled things with me made me feel like we were back in high school. If you’re not interested….make a phone call, send an email, send a text. If you are interested, at least send a text saying you have a lot going on right now….. We continued to text periodically for a few weeks after, then he sent a text saying he was coming to town again, but he didn’t ask to see me. While he was here he sent another text letting me know that he and a friend were going to be at a bar in town Saturday night. Still didn’t ask me to meet up with him. Felt like a game to me. Doesn’t want to come out and ask to see me, but sends me messages keeping me apprised of where he is and who he is with. The day he was heading back north he texted me asking if I wanted to meet for coffee or a quick lunch. I told him I already had plans (true) and was on my way out.

Continued to exchange texts off and on for the next few weeks and in July he tells me he will be in town again and he wants to see me. I meet up with him and my sister joins us for drinks. All went well. I understand when he is in town that he is busy with business dinners, etc. He also has other friends (from when he used to live here) and colleagues in the area, so I understand he can’t see me each time he is in town. Saw him again in late August, and he tells me he will be back the next week for two days and he asks if I am available. We decide to get together on Thursday… A day or so later when he is back up north, he sends a text saying I’ll see you next week…and I haven’t heard from him since. He mentioned the day before Labor Day weekend that he had plans with his kids through Tuesday of last week, so I didn’t think anything of not hearing from him, but I thought I would hear from him last Wednesday. Nothing. I don’t get it. I even texted him to say….”you know, I’m a big girl. If you don’t want to see me, I can handle it. Just let me know.” Nothing. 

I get the stress of divorce. The D that he thought was right around the corner back in February is still dragging on. Mediation hasn’t worked and they are heading to court. He is the president of a company. He travels a lot. But why the “school boy” behavior? I do enjoy spending time with him, but huge warning bells are going off. I doubt I will ever see him again and if he doesn’t end up relocating then it wouldn’t work out anyway… I did send a final text to him saying that I had too much respect for myself to let him treat me the way he has…and I wished him luck with the D, etc. Just curious as to whether any of you can provide some insight as to why he has behaved the way he has???? Should I just forget about him?


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

sounds to me like both of you need to just step back until you each have a little more distance in the relationships that are now ending in divorce.
As to his behavior, could be lots of reasons. Just because one is older doesn't mean one is more mature. But give him some leeway, as you noted, for the stress of going through a life changing event like a divorce. And he may be stumbling, trying to find his way after being out of the dating scene for a long time. On the other hand, this could just be his nature and so a sign to be cautious. Who knows what else might be going on? Another woman? Trying to reconcile with his wife? Family issues? Tread lightly would be my advice.
However, once you do get into the dating thing again, don't assume behaviors will be that much changed since younger days. I'm 62 and my experience has been when it comes to romance, people can act pretty silly.


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## OnMyOwnat50 (Jan 28, 2013)

Thanks, Maneo, for your input. I've considered the other woman scenario, as well as the possibility he is trying to reconcile with his W. Just thought with communication being so easy these days that I'd hear something one way or the other.


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## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

Rebound relationships are definitely a recipe for disaster.I would say definitely do not try and contact him again-don't sound needy, let him contact you -if that happens-but do you really want him too? One hotel room?-Looking for a booty call?-a lot of women would be turned off by that right off the bat.
In any case this guy is being very inconsiderate towards you, and if this is any indication of how he would treat you in the future your probably better off with someone else.


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## bleepbloop (Aug 18, 2013)

I don't see the problem. He's taken you out to dinner and gone out of his way to do tact you all these times, yet you turned him down to go on a romantic getaway???! Sounds like he's really interested in you considering where he is right now. So, he stopped texting u for a bit... No big deal.

Idk, what are you expecting?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

gulfwarvet said:


> Rebound relationships are definitely a recipe for disaster.I would say definitely do not try and contact him again-don't sound needy, let him contact you -if that happens-but do you really want him too? One hotel room?-Looking for a booty call?-a lot of women would be turned off by that right off the bat.
> In any case this guy is being very inconsiderate towards you, and if this is any indication of how he would treat you in the future your probably better off with someone else.


Gulfwarvet hit the nail on the head.

Forget about this guy. He's not really into you -- if he was, he would be in touch on a more regular basis. GUYS WHO KNOW WHAT THEY WANT GO OUT AND GET IT. You deserve better than his BS.

YOU ARE A PRIZE! Don't settle for less than you deserve. And this guy is giving you WAY LESS than you deserve.

I know he's going through a divorce, blah blah blah. We're all going through divorces here! And while it's stressful what I'm going through (what we're all going through), if I met an awesome guy that I could have a future with and he was into me, I would jump on that, no matter how stressed out I was, and I would make time for him, no matter how busy I was. You have the right to expect the same. This guys not giving that to you because he's not into you. Let it go. Find someone else.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I would echo the chorus of people saying forget about him.

He won't suddenly develop considerate behavior as a trait.

Putting the wishes of his children ahead of his own is a huge red flag. And, if he's lying about making that promise to his kids, that's an even bigger red flag.


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## OnMyOwnat50 (Jan 28, 2013)

Thanks, Gulfwarvet, FIP, and Conrad. I do intend to forget about him !!! Should have trusted my instincts the first time weeks when by without hearing from him...


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