# No Sex Cheating hurts just as much..text/email/phone



## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

I just guess I am venting. I have been cheated on over and over by my Woman of over 2 years. It is all Text/email/phone calls. It is everything from "how was your day" to full on XXX rated talk. She has done this with primarily with her ex-husband and some other guys here and there. She just doesn't think it is cheating in the same sense as if she had sex with another man. 

Well, to me it is! It hurts just as bad. It is the sharing of private stuff and boyfriend type talk that should be reserved for only me.
I do not want to spend my life monitoring her phone and email accounts. This has come up with another girlfriend from 2011 as well, who did not understand it was cheating and it was wrong. 

So, maybe it's me. Call me old fashioned. Whatever. If yo are doing any of this stop it! it is not right and it hurts.


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## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

end it now. Buh-bye.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

jdesey said:


> I just guess I am venting. I have been cheated on over and over by my Woman of over 2 years. It is all Text/email/phone calls. It is everything from "how was your day" to full on XXX rated talk. She has done this with primarily with her ex-husband and some other guys here and there. She just doesn't think it is cheating in the same sense as if she had sex with another man.
> 
> Well, to me it is! It hurts just as bad. It is the sharing of private stuff and boyfriend type talk that should be reserved for only me.
> *I do not want to spend my life monitoring her phone and email accounts.* This has come up with another girlfriend from 2011 as well, who did not understand it was cheating and it was wrong.
> ...


Then don't.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Seriously...HOW MANY TIMES has everyone here told you keep her the hell out of your life?? My god, man.....

Yes, what she does is cheating. Period.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

done that. I am just floored that there are people who do not think of this as cheating. I read a few articles yesterday and it seems like there is a split between those that think of it as cheating and those that do not. Some sexting fiascos have involved politicians and even ended some careers. To me cheating is defined as "if you got to hide it, then it is cheating" plain and simple. I also feel that there should be no opposite sex friendships ESPECIALLY with an ex. It is just trouble and it is wrong. I certainly do not have a friendship with my ex-wife. We are cordial, but we do not act like friends. talk is of the kids and nothing else. And we try to avoid as much communication as possible. 

I guess I should ask women what their opinion is on this within the first couple of dates. To see where they stand on these issues.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

jdesey said:


> done that. I am just floored that there are people who do not think of this as cheating. I read a few articles yesterday and it seems like there is a split between those that think of it as cheating and those that do not. Some sexting fiascos have involved politicians and even ended some careers. To me cheating is defined as "if you got to hide it, then it is cheating" plain and simple. I also feel that there should be no opposite sex friendships ESPECIALLY with an ex. It is just trouble and it is wrong. I certainly do not have a friendship with my ex-wife. We are cordial, but we do not act like friends. talk is of the kids and nothing else. And we try to avoid as much communication as possible.
> 
> *I guess I should ask women what their opinion is on this within the first couple of dates. To see where they stand on these issues.*


Some will surely agree with you, but also be prepared for the whole "controlling" shaming to be thrown out there too.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

jdesey said:


> I guess I should ask women what their opinion is on this within the first couple of dates. To see where they stand on these issues.


I think, given that you've been on-again-off-again numerous times with your girlfriend despite her obvious cheating and have only been no-contact with her for a few (is it 3 now?) weeks, you need to not be dating at all. Your picker is broken. Get some help fixing it before you start dating again. Otherwise, you're pretty likely to end up with another relationship that's just as much of a train wreck as your previous one(s).


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

jdesey said:


> done that. I am just floored that there are people who do not think of this as cheating. I read a few articles yesterday and it seems like there is a split between those that think of it as cheating and those that do not. Some sexting fiascos have involved politicians and even ended some careers. To me cheating is defined as "if you got to hide it, then it is cheating" plain and simple. I also feel that there should be no opposite sex friendships ESPECIALLY with an ex. It is just trouble and it is wrong. I certainly do not have a friendship with my ex-wife. We are cordial, but we do not act like friends. talk is of the kids and nothing else. And we try to avoid as much communication as possible.
> 
> I guess I should ask women what their opinion is on this within the first couple of dates. To see where they stand on these issues.


You find yourself a woman of such character that you don't have ask.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

Rowan you are right. Time to work on myself. My picker is bad. of the 3 girlfriends I have had in 5 years, 2 of them did this kind of cheating on me and acted like there was nothing wrong with it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

jdesey said:


> Time to work on myself.


Print this off and put it on your bathroom mirror so that you see it every day and DON'T FORGET IT.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I think you're drawn to drama. If the woman isn't providing it, you are.


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## Pinksapphire (Jun 18, 2016)

Find a new girl who doesn't like phones and technology. Truly they are out there.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Buddy, you do not need advice. You know what the outcome is going to be. There are two choices

(1) you tolerate her online flirtations with other men
(2) you end the relationship

Should you choose the first option, the odds are pretty good that eventually one of these dirty talk sessions is going to wind up with them in bed together, so you will be in CIA mode for a long time, so get good at it.

She has already told you she is not going to stop because she thinks do there is nothing wrong with it. There is a mind set among SOME , not most, women, that overt sexual flirting is just right clean "girl fun". This same mind set usually is those that also think it is OK to go to bars constantly without you and spend the night acting like they are on Spring Break while you sit at home. I would not be surprised if your partner does not have some girlfriend telling her how right she is.

A two year old should understand someone in an exclusive, committed relationship does not sext or have sexual conversations with other men.

There are plenty of women out there who do not share her attitude. Go find one.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

so right on all accounts... 


for sure. I got this lame ass apology yesterday, and she immediately turned it on me and pointed out all of my errors. There is no real remorse, therefore she will do it again and again. I have made alot of mistakes, but it does not justify cheating.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

jdesey said:


> done that. I am just floored that there are people who do not think of this as cheating. I read a few articles yesterday and it seems like there is a split between those that think of it as cheating and those that do not. Some sexting fiascos have involved politicians and even ended some careers. To me cheating is defined as "if you got to hide it, then it is cheating" plain and simple. I also feel that there should be no opposite sex friendships ESPECIALLY with an ex. It is just trouble and it is wrong. I certainly do not have a friendship with my ex-wife. We are cordial, but we do not act like friends. talk is of the kids and nothing else. And we try to avoid as much communication as possible.
> 
> I guess I should ask women what their opinion is on this within the first couple of dates. To see where they stand on these issues.



Let me guess, those who are cheating in this way, don't think it's cheating, and those who are betrayed, think it is cheating? lol Probably the case.  I think it's cheating, and I would end it asap. I've been cheated on in that way before, and it took me a while to end it, ashamed to admit. I bought his excuses at the time, but no more. I would never let that happen again, and hopefully, you won't either. Stay strong. 

Always trust your instincts.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

jdesey said:


> so right on all accounts...
> 
> 
> for sure. I got this lame ass apology yesterday, and she immediately turned it on me and pointed out all of my errors. There is no real remorse, therefore she will do it again and again. I have made alot of mistakes, but it does not justify cheating.


Block her phone number. Seriously. When people blame you for cheating, block 'em.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

Diedre, looks to me that most people do consider it cheating. This is the same EXACT deal that was the final straw in my marriage. She started this email/text thing with a guy she met in Vegas. 

The issue is the attention to another person of opposite sex. Sharing intimacy, sex stuff, etc... all the things that should be reserved for you. I will never be convinced otherwise.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

jdesey said:


> Diedre, looks to me that most people do consider it cheating. This is the same EXACT deal that was the final straw in my marriage. She started this email/text thing with a guy she met in Vegas.
> 
> The issue is the attention to another person of opposite sex. Sharing intimacy, sex stuff, etc... all the things that should be reserved for you. I will never be convinced otherwise.


This is exactly it! The sooner everyone comes to realize and accept this, the better off we can all be. This kind of thing is just way too easy in current times with our cell phones, and its scary as sh!t. Its a different world than it was just 10 years ago...harping on trust and control issues is no longer valid, sad to say.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

jdesey said:


> Diedre, looks to me that most people do consider it cheating. This is the same EXACT deal that was the final straw in my marriage. She started this email/text thing with a guy she met in Vegas.
> 
> The issue is the attention to another person of opposite sex. Sharing intimacy, sex stuff, etc... all the things that should be reserved for you. I will never be convinced otherwise.


I used to attract players, and not that we are at fault for how people treat us, but we are at fault for staying with people who mistreat us. So, the next time you are in a relationship, and the woman starts doing these things...LEAVE HER. Don't hang in for a year or two hoping it will change. Usually people like this are attention seekers, and it typically shows itself before the cheating. So, look for red flags and the MINUTE someone treats you like crap...LEAVE. You deserve better but no one will know that unless you start treating yourself better.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

I just came from a session with my psych... he helped me see the following so clearly.. 

It all comes from your her humongous fear of abandonment. She wants to keep all options available. Case in point when she said “I don’t want to burn a bridge” when I confronted her about a sext to a man she dated 4 years ago but sexted in May. Same deal when she lied and said she had broken up with a boyfriend which was a complete lie and she continued a relationship with him. And of course this is the exact reason she cannot let go of her ex husband. She uses sex because it will work on men. she is e so worried that we won’t work that she has to keep others on the hook just in case.

Well, that does not work in a committed relationship. You have to be 100% committed to me and nobody else. You have to KNOW that we will work out and take the risk to let go of all other men. But this gal just can’t do that. It would be like asking me to lift 2000 lbs, I just can’t do that. And at your her age this is not going to change. I am done believing that she can. It is how she copes with the fear of abandonment. 


Maybe she can find a guy who can live with this. Who can accept that she needs to have other men on the hook in case it does not work. I am just not that guy


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Very few guys are THAT guy. THAT guy is called a cuckold.

So, what's your plan now? Can you keep from being sucked in again?


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

Hope, there is nothing she could tell me that would suck me in. the only thing she could ever be is just a woman I date while dating others. But, that is not what I want with her. I asked her to marry me, she said yes. But even that was not enough to get her to drop other men. She literally typed out messages to her ex husband while wearing her engagmenet ring from me. She cannot help herself, it is a deep rooted defense tool for her.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You're split up with her, right?

Actually what I meant was, what are you going to do to keep from getting sucked in by another cheater?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You would literally have deep mental problems to marry this woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

oh.... now there's a super good question. Considering that this has happened with my ex-wife and now 2 other women since my divorce. The thing is that with my ex wife and the first Cheater via text I cut it off fast. This one I gave 2 years. 
I guess I just need to be on the lookout for it and cut it off fast. I need to know that it does not get any better over time


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Hmm. Well, my suggestion would be to fix your picker. Like you said, work on yourself. Start with some books - which ones I have no idea, but I'm sure there's some - that talk about why you keep hooking up with cheaters. Do lots of reading. Maybe see a therapist. Maybe there's a club or group you can join. Do stuff just for you without the prospect of meeting someone. Maybe don't even date anyone for a couple of years.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Hope1964;15989225
Actually what I meant was said:


> He needs to reverse his picker. If he finds a woman he is drawn to, he needs to drop her. And do the opposite.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It's not your fault you picked cheaters if you had no warning. This one has given you lots of warning, yet you gave her a ring?

Make no mistake, what she is doing is no doubt cheating. 

What do YOU think the problem is that you keep getting these "ladies"??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

When I gave her the ring, March 2015, she was not doing the Sexting thing. Things were good. It is when we had financial problems that all this started back again. And it just got to be worse and worse over time. She would argue that the lack of security that I did not provide has her feeling so insecure that she has to keep her ex husband on the hook. 

When we got together it was just the typical ex spouse type of talk, so there were no warning signals. 

I do not care how insecure we are, or feel scarred for our future. It doesn't justify running to another man or woman.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I wouldn't put up with it for a single minute! 

It's well past time for you to do "the 180" on her deceitful, skanky a$$ and to pay yourself a visit to a good family attorney to assess your legal rights and to draw up an immediate petition for divorce!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

no, we never go to the actual wedding date. Thank god! 

This whole fiasco is just exhausting. She seems so genuine when she commits to put an end to this. But like my message earlier today says, she just cannot do it. It is her coping mechanism for her deep fear of abandonment. She keeps her ex husband (and other men) on the hook in case we do not work out.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

jdesey said:


> So, maybe it's me. Call me old fashioned. Whatever. If yo are doing any of this stop it! it is not right and it hurts.


So what are you going to do about it? Cry to her and vent on forums? Do you want to be the man who just takes it or the man who stands up for himself and leaves? If you do every leave, don't first write a long sappy letter about your 'feelings' for her. Don't waste precious time with people who do not respect you.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You still haven't answered my question.



Hope1964 said:


> what are you going to do to keep from getting sucked in by another cheater?


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

I did answer... here it is 

oh.... now there's a super good question. Considering that this has happened with my ex-wife and now 2 other women since my divorce. The thing is that with my ex wife and the first Cheater via text I cut it off fast. This one I gave 2 years. 
I guess I just need to be on the lookout for it and cut it off fast. I need to know that it does not get any better over time.

No to the other poster. No sappy letter. It would be a waste of time. She does not get it. She never will. This is a true irreconcilable issue..


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

jdesey said:


> Hope, there is nothing she could tell me that would suck me in. the only thing she could ever be is just a woman I date while dating others. But, that is not what I want with her. I asked her to marry me, she said yes. But even that was not enough to get her to drop other men. She literally typed out messages to her ex husband while wearing her engagmenet ring from me. She cannot help herself, it is a deep rooted defense tool for her.


She's a narcissist. That's what she is. And you are an empath, which is what narcissists gravitate towards. That's why you keep attracting narcissists. Please read about this dynamic, it will help you shut the door and not let anyone else like her come in. We all have issues, but we all don't use people, or manipulate them. Narcissists do that. It's worth the time to research the topic a bit.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Say good-bye and walk away for good!


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

jdesey said:


> Diedre, looks to me that most people do consider it cheating. This is the same EXACT deal that was the final straw in my marriage. She started this email/text thing with a guy she met in Vegas.
> 
> The issue is the attention to another person of opposite sex. Sharing intimacy, sex stuff, etc... all the things that should be reserved for you. I will never be convinced otherwise.


Who cares what it is "considered". She is hurting you. And she does not care.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Jdeasy,

Here's what you can do right now to improve your next relationship.

Track down everyone your GF is having inappropriate conversations with, then expose the whole group to THEIR GFs, wives, Mothers, family members etc. 

When you meet your next GF tell her the story of how you exposed your exGFs emotional affairs, this will show here that you will not lay down when cheated on, and their will be a cost to the OM, express how the exposure was done systematically completely and without warnings or treads with the impartiality and seriousness of a Judge pronouncing execution. 

Two years is a long time to endure emotional affairs because when a woman becomes emotionally closer to someone other than you, it almost always the case that she has also sexually detached from you as well, or she is thinking of the other person while intimate with you.

Tamat


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

I'm not gonna go thru the trouble to expose this thing. Just moving on. And yes I will be crystal clear with the next woman. It's a one strike and your out. Because I know now from 3 different women that you can never recover from it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

jdesey said:


> I just guess I am venting. I have been cheated on over and over by my Woman of over 2 years. It is all Text/email/phone calls. It is everything from "how was your day" to full on XXX rated talk. She has done this with primarily with her ex-husband and some other guys here and there. She just doesn't think it is cheating in the same sense as if she had sex with another man.
> 
> Well, to me it is! It hurts just as bad. It is the sharing of private stuff and boyfriend type talk that should be reserved for only me.
> I do not want to spend my life monitoring her phone and email accounts. This has come up with another girlfriend from 2011 as well, who did not understand it was cheating and it was wrong.
> ...


OK so why are you still with her???


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

jdesey said:


> Hope, there is nothing she could tell me that would suck me in. the only thing she could ever be is just a woman I date while dating others. But, that is not what I want with her. I asked her to marry me, she said yes. But even that was not enough to get her to drop other men. She literally typed out messages to her ex husband while wearing her engagmenet ring from me. She cannot help herself, it is a deep rooted defense tool for her.


Of course she can help herself.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

jdesey said:


> I just guess I am venting. I have been cheated on over and over by my Woman of over 2 years. It is all Text/email/phone calls. It is everything from "how was your day" to full on XXX rated talk. She has done this with primarily with her ex-husband and some other guys here and there. She just doesn't think it is cheating in the same sense as if she had sex with another man.
> 
> Well, to me it is! It hurts just as bad. It is the sharing of private stuff and boyfriend type talk that should be reserved for only me.
> I do not want to spend my life monitoring her phone and email accounts. This has come up with another girlfriend from 2011 as well, who did not understand it was cheating and it was wrong.
> ...


Its not you. This is Cheating, sex doesn't have to take place for it to be. 

Ask her if she would be OK with you doing the same with another woman?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

jdesey said:


> Diedre, looks to me that most people do consider it cheating. This is the same EXACT deal that was the final straw in my marriage. She started this email/text thing with a guy she met in Vegas.
> 
> The issue is the attention to another person of opposite sex. Sharing intimacy, sex stuff, etc... all the things that should be reserved for you. I will never be convinced otherwise.


I think you are singing to the choir here on TAM with that one


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