# Biggest Issue In Your Marriage



## JenniferMarried36 (Jun 28, 2012)

Ladies:

We all have them, but tell us what is the biggest issue separating your marriage from being good to great or from bad to OK, etc? I have issue like everyone else or I wouldn't be on this board. Is it financial, sex, differences raising children etc.

My issues mostly are about trust. I see him looking at other women and I know he is checking them out and fantasizing about them. He is also a breast man and makes it obvious mine are too small for him. I suspect he has cheated but can't prove it but I know he has thought about it. We have been together for 10 years, 6 married with 2 great kids. I don't want a divorce but do want a happier marriage like most of us.

What about you ladies?


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

my biggest issues were drugs, wh*res, lies, unreliability, lack of trust, lack of responsibility, and having to have his parents in the middle of the marriage.

oh yes, and control and mind games.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Similar question here - just put up days ago in a different section... 

My answer(s) on this thread >> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...52856-does-everyone-have-issues-marriage.html

It's all in the past now....what is so crazy about us is... we never faught about this even once...but our lack of communicating about SEX (me being somewhat Repressed & too into the kids, and his being too passive) - led to his growing some resentment cause I put the babies in bed with us...

Then when we switched roles in Mid life... I was a bit frustrated, though I deserved that -it was good medicine for me to see the other side, what men go through. 

Now we both fully understand how important lots of affection, vulnerable commuication & SEX is...and spouses come 1st, this makes for everything flowing more as it should.

Live & Learn.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm in a very happy marriage now. The issues we've had, we've resolved. Even when we had issues if you were to ask me then, I would have told you we had a good marriage and it would have been true. We didn't deal with the huge issues some have to like abuse, addiction, infidelity, neglect, etc. Our issues stemmed more from conflict avoidance on both our parts and lack of communication. Both of us tend to stuff our resentment/anger instead of letting it out. Sure we talked but not always about the things that bothered both of us. Eventually we both reached a point where we wanted to improve things. It didn't happen overnight. Took several months to go from good to great. And there were quite a few heated disagreements and sometimes we had to resort to emails to resolve things because it was easier to say in email what we couldn't in person. But we worked everything out and we're both very happy. 

I'm going to post something I wrote before.

I'm married to my best friend. It doesn't feel like work to be married to him, but you constantly have to tweak things in the marriage to keep it going. You can't put it on auto-pilot. It's easy to put it on auto-pilot to focus on the children, their needs, your career, your aging parents, your hobbies or whatever else is a priority in your life, but your marriage will suffer and you'll find both of you have grown apart. Pretty soon, a colleague, a neighbor, a parent on your child's sports team will look pretty good to you. 

Some people aren't meant to be married. If a person knows that he or she can't be sexually monogamous for life or knows he or she is too self-focused, don't get married. Not everyone has to get married. 

It helps to be a big picture person so that you don't get stuck in the nitty gritty, day to day details that make you lose sight of why you got married in the first place. Marriage takes effort. There are times when you wonder why you ever married the other person. Both spouses need to be committed to the commitment they made on their wedding day. Monogamy is a choice that you make every day. A good marriage requires two people who are willing to decide again and again to stay with each and do the work to keep the marriage going.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

daffodilly said:


> I'm definitely lucky to be in a happy marriage, but if there's anything* I'd like more is for him to be more aggressive in sex*. Our sex life is great, but I'd love it if he'd initiate more....he rarely turns me down but it's nice to be pursued more, especially if he did it spontaneously/when I'd least expect it. We've talked about it before and he admits that he just gets "lazy" at times because he KNOWS I'll jump him. He steps up for a while but eventually it's me again *sigh* But I do get taken care of


I wanted this in a *BAD* way when I 1st landed here......I've never really experienced that... My husband is NOT the aggressive type... I never cared or even gave it a thought for the 1st 19 yrs of our marriage, totally satisfied... Then I had a drive increase...it was messing with my head....

We learned, through all of this...He loves ME being that way ... so we worked with it. It really turns him ON- so it is a win/win. He never turns me down. Now we are more equal but for a time, I WAS the jumper & yeah, he knew it was coming !

This was my 1st thread at this forum even >> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...inate-enough-wives-who-how-reverse-roles.html


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

One word... Disrespect!!


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Lies. Secrets. Omissions of information...lies.

A tough one to work on. How do you know when someone stops keeping secrets and telling lies?

If he was a alcoholic or a wife beater I would know he has stopped. Who knows when a liar is telling the truth...


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

We had two really big problems. First, his immaturity. Second, his 20 something year old mistresses.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

waiwera said:


> Lies. Secrets. Omissions of information...lies.
> 
> A tough one to work on. How do you know when someone stops keeping secrets and telling lies?
> 
> If he was a alcoholic or a wife beater I would know he has stopped. Who knows when a liar is telling the truth...



You don't... I have a good friend at work and the best advice she gives me is _" you have to decide what you are willing to live with". _

That's why I told him yesterday I wanted a divorce.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

daffodilly said:


> SA, read your first thread ^^^^ holy crap I could have written it! Except haven't been married as long as you have. I hit a sexual peak/HD when I was 39 and it's been ridiculous....funny thing is, I can't say my husband really has changed, so I shouldn't really complain. He was never really overly aggressive sexually, but when we met, I came out of a horrendous, abusive marriage, and he was EXACTLY what I needed....if anything, if he had been aggressive then we wouldn't be together today. So like you, I appreciate the fact that I don't get rejected...but once every now and then I can get a little wistful!


Isn't it rediculous ! Well, chances are you will CALM down just like I did and not be craving that like a mad woman so much. . So take heart.  

So many on here are dealing with refusers, we are so very blessed. I would leave a marraige over pity sex, maybe even a low drive partner -if I felt they had no enthusiam or desire, It would bother me like a plague...I just KNOW me and what makes me tick. But this idea he is so into "love making" and doesn't feel right being "aggressive" is not a huge thing, hey, they still LOVE SEX !! 

We were watching some Porn this morning together, and he made a comment how the man was putting his hands on the woman's throat (this was Playgirl ~ not hard core!)... I am like "Do it, I'd like that!"...and he expressed how he doesn't like that, looks like he is going to strangle her or something, it does nothing for him....

I am like, do those women look strangled to you -they are LOVING it (well it is porn, probably not but still it looks good).... then I reminded him how I take him by the throat - more gently, but still... 

It just ain't in the man to be like some of those Alphas, I know I ain't gonna change him. If anyone has tried, it has been yours truly!


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## Martini22887 (Aug 8, 2012)

My biggest issue is that my husband has trust issues stemming from childhood. He has been mentally abused by a close family member, and he brings that into our relationship.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

My biggest issues is that I feel inadequate. I am not where near as attractive as he is, and I know he has women at work who flirt with him, text him regularly and would take him away from me at the first possible chance they get. We have had fights over this for the last 2 years. Our marriage is still great, but I cannot help but feel like I am not good enough for him, even though he does everything he can to make me see that I am.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Our biggest issue is finances. The recession was very hard on us and we have a mountain of debt.

I have had to redefine what success means for me. I used to think that success meant owning property and having a lot of disposable income. Now I realize that they are so many unhappy couples and families living in beautiful homes. My SIL has a very unhappy marriage, yet she lives in a nice house. I know she would trade the house for the kind of marriage I have; my SIL is always telling me how lucky I am.


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## graceunderfire (Aug 13, 2012)

we have been married for 17 years and are going thru some stuff that makes no sense to me at all... finances, parenting issues, personal interactions... these have suddenly become problems that we had seemed to deal with when we had no money and all 6 kids were still at home and we worked opposite shifts. Now we make more money than ever, have only 3 teens left at home and with him working from home spend every day together... and now we have communication issues about everything and anything. 
Go figure...


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Communication is our biggest issue. When there's a problem, I want it out on the table. Let's understand it, come up with a plan, put the plan in action, assess as needed. I'm very very practical.

He doesn't want to talk about anything real. He can talk sports all day long, but if it's about anything facing us, forget about it. And thus we have a problem. I can shut up, put a smile on, and pretend, or I can have a conversation with a brick wall. Needless to say the marriage is very rocky.


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## honeysuckle rose (Jun 11, 2010)

Porn, pot, politics
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Miss.Mystified (Aug 7, 2012)

ebp123 said:


> Communication is our biggest issue. When there's a problem, I want it out on the table. Let's understand it, come up with a plan, put the plan in action, assess as needed. I'm very very practical.
> 
> He doesn't want to talk about anything real. He can talk sports all day long, but if it's about anything facing us, forget about it. And thus we have a problem. I can shut up, put a smile on, and pretend, or I can have a conversation with a brick wall. Needless to say the marriage is very rocky.


This is our biggest issue also. I can lay it all out on the table, strip my soul bare for him and I end up feeling like a fool. I have tried just about everything and feel like I'm the only one trying to resolve the more serious issues in our marriage, but lack of communication on his part makes this a very rocky road. 

I think maybe I shall try his way. Let's see how he feels when he wants to discuss his "bad" day at work and he's met with a brick wall. Or maybe I will just leave the room when he's in mid-sentence. He's famous for that one too. What's good for the goose is good for the gander?


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

Our issues are relatively trivial, my main one that I'm trying to work on is me being just plain lazy. We both work, but his job pays better, has benefits, and is more fulfilling to him in general. I work retail and feel like a used condom at the end of the day, so I got into a habit of slacking a lot at home with chores and the upkeep of the household. He kept it bottled up for a while but then it all came out in a typical horrible argument. I have tried to be better about it, got myself chore-lists to complete, and now I've seen how much he used to do for me (and will still do if I work a later shift) I have far more appreciation for him too.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

JenniferMarried36 said:


> Ladies:
> 
> We all have them, but tell us what is the biggest issue separating your marriage from being good to great or from bad to OK, etc? I have issue like everyone else or I wouldn't be on this board. Is it financial, sex, differences raising children etc.
> 
> ...


That sucks that you have to live through such a huge issue.

Mine is his kids vs mine. His kids are very successful, mine are not.

My son is going to school to be a surgical Tech my daughter works in a hospital putting together meals for sick people and following their special dietary needs. My other daughter works in direct care taking care of two mentally handicapped women.

His daughter counts pills all day and makes 100K a year. She is a pharmacist. His son sells crap to people who don't need what he is pushing. He works for a printing company. He just made 28K on a sale. 

Of course my husband constantly reminds me of the fact that my kids are not as successful as his but does it in such a way that I can't call him on it. When I do all I get is "oh you misunderstood, I did not mean it that way". Yeah right.

Now I think my kids are successful. Oh they may not make tons of money but at least they are doing something good for mankind, helping others less fortunate, helping people live longer more meaningful lives. To me that is worth all the money in the world.

Money is not everything like my husband thinks it is.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

His difficulty talking things out and solving problems with me in a rational way


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## girl friday (Jan 14, 2012)

waiwera said:


> Lies. Secrets. Omissions of information...lies.
> 
> A tough one to work on. How do you know when someone stops keeping secrets and telling lies?
> 
> If he was a alcoholic or a wife beater I would know he has stopped. Who knows when a liar is telling the truth...



This is also a big issue for me. I live with someone who is a very closed book and I never know what is going on with him. 

I wouldn't say he outright lies to me but I think that omissions of information and being closed and secretive are just as bad.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Ours is mostly communication. He doesn't always remember to tell me certain things, and then I get stressed. And I allow my emotions to lead conversations, and that shuts him down emotionally so that he doesn't want to talk about anything. 

We're miles from where we were when we first married. But there's still a lot of work to do. I'm lucky that I have such a loving and caring man. It makes personal change a lot easier.


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## Nala051 (Jul 21, 2012)

Miss.Mystified said:


> This is our biggest issue also. I can lay it all out on the table, strip my soul bare for him and I end up feeling like a fool. I have tried just about everything and feel like I'm the only one trying to resolve the more serious issues in our marriage, but lack of communication on his part makes this a very rocky road.
> 
> I think maybe I shall try his way. Let's see how he feels when he wants to discuss his "bad" day at work and he's met with a brick wall. Or maybe I will just leave the room when he's in mid-sentence. He's famous for that one too. What's good for the goose is good for the gander?


I have this problem too. If I need to talk to him about any issues, he just uses it as an opportunity to blame me for everything wrong in his life and put me down. It's frustrating.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

As unbeleivable as it sounds we have no issues. Though it took us 37 years to get here we are so totally in sync its scary!


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