# How many actually know their spouse's fantasies?



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

*OK, I know! Polling likes and dislikes is forbidden on TAM, but this is NOT about that...*

After many years of trying to improve things for my own marriage, I have come to the conclusion that some people just do not have any fantasies. This may be because I think there are those that just go with the flow with regards to marital intimacy and only care about things just being simple, natural, and enjoyable. Then when it comes to ideas about anticipation of something new or different, there is simply NOTHING there because spending time thinking about such things is either inappropriate or not really cared for in any way (as in I've got more important things to worry myself about). 

So if your spouse has fantasies, that is great for you. Please do not go into any detail, other than just to acknowledge that you are aware of them.

For me in my marriage, my wife has always been very occupied with many things (school/career/family) which means physical intimacy was just never a priority for her in the overall grand scheme of things. It always made me second guess myself early in the relationship that she would NEVER share with me any ideas of something she may want to try. It was as if she was not communicating. Over time I realized this was not the case, and that she was just busy dealing with other things in life and never cared to spend time thinking/wondering about making intimacy more enjoyable. She does however enjoy me being the creative one, and has told me so. I've come to terms with that, and we get along well these days.

*What I am interested to find out is if it is that common for some people to just NOT really have any fantasies what so ever? And if so if that has caused stress or frustration in the relationship as well as what it takes to try and keep things healthy. *

In my opinion, maintaining self confidence and understanding what you have to work with is what it take to make makes things work... 

Thanks for your feedback, 
Badsanta


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*No fantasies from either of my XW's, @badsanta ~ but one that I've always fancied is making unbridled love to my lady on the sands of a beautiful deserted Caribbean tropical beach!

Conveyed this fantasy of mine to both my XW and RSXW during our respective marriages, and although opportunities for it abounded, neither of them really made any kind of a concerted effort to even remotely comply with it! *


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

When I was about two years into my relationship with my girlfriend she finally shared her fantasy with me and it involved working out until she was sweating heavily,a jacuzzi and a swimming pool.
I had a swimming pool and a home gym.
Now I have a jacuzzi.
😁


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

My wife claims to have none, but she also for a long time claimed not to masturbate but I see the toys move sometimes. 

I have never reacted badly to anything sexual she has suggested (though that is rare),but she is not willing to admit any fantasies at all. 

I'm very open minded and would be willing to try to satisfy just about any of them - and would not be offended by any that I wasn't willing to do.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

First of all, this is not a strictly binary question.

I know a couple of my wife's fantasies, but I doubt I know them all. 

One evening some years back (maybe 5 or 6, I don't recall exactly), I was able to coax her into a little sharing. She was nervous, but the fact that she was willing to share at all was very special. This is especially impressive because we are both very hi-fidelity driven and the men in the fantasies weren't me; not anybody in particular, mind you, but not specifically me either. So she was naturally fearful of judgment, and even saying it out loud would expose her even more to her own judgment. So being able to share this was a huge step for her and our relationship--and yes, it was very hot (although the fantasies were pretty mild by the standards of many on these boards, the sharing was hot). 

I didn't pursue more discussion in this area, as I could tell she really stretched herself here and I didn't want to push it. She also didn't seem keen on hearing mine, which was fine, but I took it as an indicator this line of communication had maybe run its course. 

Now that she's suddenly become more open to trying new things physically as well as emotionally, I would like to indulge one of her fantasies which could be easily acted out. While some fantasies should always remain just that, this one is could be easily acted out in a safe environment, requires no third party participation, offers no chance of physical pain, and if I understand the genesis of it, could be very empowering for her as well as pleasurable for both of us.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Not surprising to me that on a board where people tend to show up because they are unhappy with their marriage, that most responses are "doesn't or won't share". Maybe I am naïve, but to me if your spouse has fantasies and has shared them with you, that indicates a strong marriage and less likelihood that you would show up at TAM looking for assistance.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Fantasies are something we've discussed extensively since we first started dating. Some have remained the same, some have changed over the years.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Fantasies are something we've discussed extensively since we first started dating. Some have remained the same, some have changed over the years.


I would really love to hear some of your fantasies,going on some of the things you have done your fantasies must be ****ing unbelievable.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> I would really love to hear some of your fantasies,going on some of the things you have done your fantasies must be ****ing unbelievable.


She's not the only one;
Somebody call Nancy Friday so she can compile her next book:

"My Secret Garden: The TAM Edition"


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

My wife does now want to hear my fantasies, and seemed somewhat disturbed by even a mild one.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

uhtred said:


> My wife does now want to hear my fantasies, and seemed somewhat disturbed by even a mild one.


Well, if she just flat out doesn't have any fantasies herself, that would be expected.

I think my wife worries that she would never be able to (or maybe just not want to) fulfill my fantasies, so she doesn't want to hear them; keeping bliss in ignorance. The funny thing is that she has had fantasies I can't fulfill and yet she thinks no less of me, so why would she sorry the other way around?


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

uhtred said:


> My wife does now want to hear my fantasies, and seemed somewhat disturbed by even a mild one.


Sure, mild. Mild when it involves converting a gas powered trimmer to a bedroom toy, latex bodysuits, and a harness hanging from a ceiling joist? Some dont think thats so mild Uhtred.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think its also worth keeping in mind that there are different types of fantasies.

There are things you actually want to to and are practical: say having your partner tie you to the bed. 

There are things you don't really want to do but where a substitute might work. Say a fantasy of being with another person, but maybe happy to satisfy it by having your partner wear a wig, or pretend to be someone else.

There are things that are unrealistic or would in reality be unpleasant that you have no desire to do: say be in a Turkish Sultan's Harem. 


The last category might contain things that many partners would not want to hear.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Yup, some people are really narrow minded. You want an electric trimmer though, otherwise the carbon monoxide fumes can be a really problem.....I've been told. play safe. 


I do wonder to what extent different people have the same idea of how mild / kinky a fantasy is. 





Middle of Everything said:


> Sure, mild. Mild when it involves converting a gas powered trimmer to a bedroom toy, latex bodysuits, and a harness hanging from a ceiling joist? Some dont think thats so mild Uhtred.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

I have no idea what my wife's fantasies are. She won't tell me when asked, even when asked during sex therapy sessions to save our marriage.

I am reminded of a scene from the comedy movie, Exit to Eden, where the BDSM dominatrix dressed up Rosie O'Donnell is asked by a submissive man what her fantasy is and she replies, "paint my house." And he does.

I suspect that if my wife has sexual fantasies, they are non-sexual.:surprise:


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I don’t think my own fantasy is ever going to happen.
I walk in the woods every morning and have done for years.
I have never even seen Charlize Theron down there much less naked.
Sigh.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*If your old lady refuses to verbally detail what it is that her fantasy is, then just tell her to handcuff and blindfold your ugly, old a$$ and start in on performing it on you!

Now I'm thinking that might get a rise out of her! 

In fact, it might actually get a rise out of you too! 

Footnote: I would have now been on my "date" at the moment. Tells you that my mind would have been totally in the gutter! But a good kind of gutter!*


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

I have fantasies aplenty, but I do not ever share them with my husband. 

For one, I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings. For two, there isn't much he would actually be willing to do to realize them anyway. 

FTR, he doesn't tell me his fantasies either. I'm sure for similar reasons like they involve other people, they would be too risky, they would damage what we have.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

My wife is not interested in hearing mine, even though they are fairly tame, and she says she has no fantasies of a sexual nature. She isn't overly sexual so I'm not sure, but she's probably telling the truth.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

TX-SC said:


> My wife is not interested in hearing mine, even though they are fairly tame, and she says she has no fantasies of a sexual nature. She isn't overly sexual so I'm not sure, but she's probably telling the truth.


That sucks.

Which would be worse for you, her being too repressed to even tell you her fantasies, or truly not having ANY?


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Middle of Everything said:


> That sucks.
> 
> Which would be worse for you, her being too repressed to even tell you her fantasies, or truly not having ANY?


Probably the too repressed, but either way, I guess I'll never know!


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## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

In my wife's case, it was more of a communication thing, and a fear of me thinking she was a perv or something.
Only reason I found out, was after over 5 years of marriage, I made one of her fantasies a reality, and all by accident. Her orgasm was one I had never seen before. WOW...for lack of a better word!
Anyway, it got me to questioning "where did that orgasm come from", and to talking. Glad she told me! Glad sshe told me others!


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

I know my wife's fantasies only because I look at her history on her Overdrive account on her Ipad. That list includes all 50 Shades books, Many books with a strong well hung Alpha male, a few books where the woman who is the main subject of the book is the sex toy of 2-3 men. 

I tried to push some of the 50 shades type play and got nowhere. As many have stated she really is not that into me. When she does read those books I know it because she is more passionate. I cannot say it honestly does anything for me except make me resent her a bit more for it.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

yes as surprising as that might seem, SOME PEOPLE do not have ANY fantasies. Ugh.

But maybe they do and just do not share.

Interactive Sex Questionnaire for Couples | Mojo Upgrade is a site that has the two of you take a kinky sex quiz, to see if you have any overlapping secret sexual fantasies to act on.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

TX-SC said:


> My wife is not interested in hearing mine, even though they are fairly tame, and she says she has no fantasies of a sexual nature. She isn't overly sexual so I'm not sure, but she's probably telling the truth.


Thanks for sharing that... @TX-SC assuming your wife has none and she is being honest, I find it interesting that she is also not interested in any of your ideas.

I do not want to project onto your situation, but I would say I was in a fairly similar scenario in that my wife did not really want to talk about things and would always change the topic if I tried to discus my own likes and dislikes. That has changed over time though and I would attribute her resistance to discuss things to the following:



We got to a point where we often argued a lot about intimacy (me complaining about her lack of initiative), so I think she would do anything to avoid the topic.
She complained that I made her feel inadequate and no matter what she did it would never be enough. The last thing she wanted to hear or discuss were ways to try and do _more_ things together.
She was struggling with her own self image and convinced herself that there was no way I was actually attracted to her, and that my motivation to be intimate was completely arbitrary. 
My wife was raised with strong religious values (which I do actually admire), so she quickly points out anything that seems disrespectful or inappropriate (which means I literally watched half of Game of Thrones with her pressing the fast forward button, and I think I missed about half the plot). 

So as I became aware of all those things, I tried to actually learn to appreciate them. While arguing sometimes is unavoidable, I started listening more and trying to be more patient. I found that communicating my feelings worked better in writing via playful love notes. Regarding her feeling inadequate, that has been a challenging one as I have had to let her see me being patient and caring with her and not get upset when our schedules get challenging. 

Now regarding her self image and my desires being arbitrary, that is a huge challenge for me. If I tell her that she is beautiful, she refuses to believe me. So I have to describe "why" I think she is in order to get her attention. If she thinks she is overweight, I'll actually acknowledge it now but do so while making it a point to say what aspects of her full figure that I like (more curves). When it comes to my desire being completely arbitrary, I have actually made a great deal of progress with that these days. I try to see myself from her perspective and acknowledge in what ways she is actually correct. So when my wife insists that she did NOTHING to get me all excited, I'll admit that she is correct and that it was actually my imagination of thinking of her that did it. I can often describe what I am imagining in a rather funny/inappropriate way now that makes her giggle. By doing this, I am letting myself take the blame for getting myself all excited in the event she is not available or able to respond in that moment. Before I would just fuss at her for not being willing to even try. This has helped a lot... Because now when there is a moment coming up when things will work out, she actually will look at me and give me permission to get myself all excited. That has become a rather playful thing between the two of us now as opposed to a source of conflict. 

Anything simiiar help in your marriage @TX-SC?

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Youngwife1000 (Mar 26, 2017)

We shared our fantasies really early on in our marriage, for both of us this is our second. A few of them we were able to for fill together. It felt amazing to be able to be transparent together. One of them (his) involved a 3sum with men. This doesn’t didn’t freak me out but felt a need for a very firm strong marriage and both partners wholeheartedly up for it. A few times over the years he asked and on those occasions I said no, mainly because I’d always kinda wanted to be enough for him. I prayed I would be all he needed to for fill him and explore sexy times/things without a third party.
April this year I found he’d been living a double life, for six months he’d been on a swingers web site , sexting to loads of people, I then found out he’d met with 3 of them 7 times for oral sex ( men ).
It crushed me, absolutely crushed me. When he married me, he said he’d fix me, help repair what my first husband broke.
We are in a period of reconciliation, it’s so so so tough. 
His fantasies is still a 3sum and he still will head towards group sex on porn sites. It bubbles away in him. Knowing that I know this is his next biggest fantasy petrifies me. I know he wants me to bring someone home. It’s horrible that I’m not enough, but the fantasy itself is fine. Just I think the reality would break us for good.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Holdingontoit said:


> Not surprising to me that on a board where people tend to show up because they are unhappy with their marriage, that most responses are "doesn't or won't share". Maybe I am naïve, but *to me if your spouse has fantasies and has shared them with you, that indicates a strong marriage* and less likelihood that you would show up at TAM looking for assistance.


Completely agree!

*I also think it can be healthy to NOT have fantasies which means that they are never really discussed.*

The point of this discussion it kind of a way to open up and discuss that some people that have no fantasies may actually be more common/normal than thought. Up until recently, I would have thought that all people have fantasies, and that lack of discussions on the topic would reflect very poorly on trust and communication in the relationship. I'm learning now that this is not the case and that lack of discussions on this topic if understood and acknowledged better to be what it is, can actually serve as a good starting point to help a relationship heal and thrive because things were misunderstood due to using stereotypes that everyone has to have fantasies. 

Badsanta


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## 2020hindsight (Nov 3, 2015)

I have fantasies, but I've never had a sexual one. My fantasies run along the lines of:

- sleeping as long as I like
- picking up a book and reading it straight through without interruptions
- living in London
- escaping to the outdoors when it's a beautiful day and I'm stuck at work
- having a personal chef so I never have to cook again!

That's pretty much the gamut of my fantasies. I'm aware that people have sexual fantasies from books, movies, and forums like this, but they do not exist within my own life experience.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Interesting. Is sex important to you and something you think about often? 




2020hindsight said:


> I have fantasies, but I've never had a sexual one. My fantasies run along the lines of:
> 
> - sleeping as long as I like
> - picking up a book and reading it straight through without interruptions
> ...


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## Randy2 (Jul 19, 2016)

From Esther Perel
People sometimes confess to me that they don’t have sexual fantasies. They assume they have no imagination. I want to tell you that everyone has the capacity for fantasy.

But what is fantasy? The idea of it has been coopted so that we view it through a narrow lens. It has come to mean costumes, porn-star poses, elaborate accouterments and role-play. You can certainly introduce role-play into your relationship and here’s how.
But here is the radical but simple definition of fantasy: sexual fantasy is simply anything that enhances excitement or pleasure. Whether it’s the time of day, the way the breeze drifts across a field or a story you create about the way someone looks at you. Let’s continue to unpack the idea of fantasy.
Fantasy is a story
This story – our fantasy realm – is what allows us to distinguish between sexuality and eroticism. Sexuality is instinct or biology. Eroticism is sexuality that is transformed by the human imagination.

We all have these imaginative resources that allow us to play and be curious, to go beyond our lived experience. The wonder of fantasy is that it allows us to bypass reality; we can let go of the constraints of age, physical limits, material realities, health conditions and religious restrictions.

What a relief to know that the central agent of the erotic act is our imagination rather than the toned abs we can’t ever quite seem to achieve. Fantasy is our very human ability to come back to something and forever change or relive it. Fantasy has the power to connect us to hope, playfulness, and mystery. I believe, if we didn’t have fantasy, we couldn’t live.
Fantasy is a gift
It can transform the traits that irk you – your shyness for instance – into something that you imagine turns someone else on. Or you can become all-powerful and confident – fearless and bold – in your fantasies.
Fantasy allows us to bifurcate our inner blocks. The fears, anxieties and inhibitions that roil inside you can dissolve so that you can experience the joy of sexuality. The pitfalls of your relationship can be sidestepped in the moment of fantasy.
Fantasy is an imagined place
Does that mean that the fantasies that you have are what you really want to happen? Not necessarily. As we’ll discuss in detail next week, a fantasy is a game, an imagined place. Fantasies are different from what we want in the cold, harsh light of our daily reality.
If you know how you want to experience sexual pleasure, even if it’s simply the way someone strokes your hair, you are already in the realm of sexual fantasy. Embrace it.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I like the expansion of this discussion to include fantasy that is not purely about sexual contact--although it may lead to that.

One day my wife was lamenting the ridiculous nature of video games, even the interactive ones with supposedly life-like characters. Porn had moved into the game area and was as ridiculous as it is in porn with real humans (maybe even moreso because game characters can do anything you program them to do-they are not limited by human conditions).

She explained how one of these games should go. It should begin with handsome, well groomed man in form fitting jeans and a white shirt showing up on your doorstep with a dozen roses...

I realized she was describing a fantasy--one that could actually be fulfilled without fear, pressure, or disrupting our relationship. 

I used to work very close to home and have a flexible schedule, so it was easy for me to go home for lunch once in a while. The following week, I changed out of my business pants into a perfectly fitting pair of crispy clean new blue jeans, kept on the perfectly pressed white dress shirt (ditched the tie), made sure I was perfectly groomed, and went home for lunch. But instead of walking right in, I stopped at the step and rang the doorbell, looking my fantasy best, while holding a dozen long-stemmed vibrant red roses _and _a box of chocolates. 

It was a delightful date.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

2020hindsight said:


> I have fantasies, but I've never had a sexual one. My fantasies run along the lines of:
> 
> - sleeping as long as I like
> - picking up a book and reading it straight through without interruptions
> ...


Other than not being able to sleep I’ve had all the others.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

badsanta said:


> Thanks for sharing that... @TX-SC assuming your wife has none and she is being honest, I find it interesting that she is also not interested in any of your ideas.
> 
> I do not want to project onto your situation, but I would say I was in a fairly similar scenario in that my wife did not really want to talk about things and would always change the topic if I tried to discus my own likes and dislikes. That has changed over time though and I would attribute her resistance to discuss things to the following:
> 
> ...


My wife's biggest issue is that she has somewhat of an aversion to intimacy. I think she has a form of aspergers. She isn't much into hugging or kissing and sex is only an occasional thing. She's certainly not into getting wild and crazy. Any ideas of getting too risqué are off the table. She does not have strong religious beliefs, so I can't pin it on that. I think it just relates back to aspergers and her not liking too much physical touch. Toys are okay within reason, but anything else is not likely to fly.

After nearly 24 years together, I know what to expect from her. She has never asked my number and she has never inquired about any ex of mine. I know her number is "3 or 4" (including me) though she says she's not certain which it is. When I ask how you can't remember that, she just say she doesn't think about it.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

TX-SC said:


> I know her number is "3 or 4" (including me) though she says she's not certain which it is. When I ask how you can't remember that, she just say she doesn't think about it.


Possible sexual trauma? Or is she truly so close to being on the spectrum that it truly doesnt click with her and she truly doesnt think about it?

I can somewhat relate as my wife has responded similarly at times that confound me as well. As in how the hell can you truly not remember such things?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

TX-SC said:


> My wife's biggest issue is that she has somewhat of an aversion to intimacy. *I think she has a form of aspergers. She isn't much into hugging or kissing* and sex is only an occasional thing. She's certainly not into getting wild and crazy. Any ideas of getting too risqué are off the table. She does not have strong religious beliefs, so I can't pin it on that. I think it just relates back to aspergers and her not liking too much physical touch. Toys are okay within reason, but anything else is not likely to fly.
> 
> After nearly 24 years together, I know what to expect from her. She has never asked my number and she has never inquired about any ex of mine. *I know her number is "3 or 4" (including me) though she says she's not certain which it is.* When I ask how you can't remember that, she just say she doesn't think about it.


I'm familiar with how autism can result in sensory issues and cause someone to have an aversion to touch (as it can be painful or very uncomfortable). 

I have to admit that I find it extremely fascinating that your wife does not know how many partners she has been with intimately. In my opinion when it comes to autism, people's minds work very differently and tend to be extremely analytical. When something potentially ambiguous is encountered like "intimacy" that can not be defined, it actually makes it extremely difficult to know if you have been intimate with someone. Therefor it may be easier to just say, "I don't know." To someone this might actually be so frustrating to someone with autism, that they just begin avoiding the topic altogether because it is often too difficult to define and has caused problems in the past. 

If you have not, you should watch the show Atypical on Netflix https://www.netflix.com/watch/80117462 as it kind of gets into how autism and sexuality can create a rather challenging set of conflicts. 

We all pretty much know how many partners we have had. But to someone with autism it probably is difficult to define that. When we really stop and think about it, I bet our numbers begin to change. If I only count partners with which I have had PIV, I'll give you a number. If I include partners for which sharing something very arousing together occurred, I would give you a completely different number. Which numbers really matters? That is subjective and likely varies from person to person. 

So would it be considered normal that someone with autism might avoid fantasizing sexually? Perhaps so because the topic is so subjective. Combined that with sensory issues often making it uncomfortable to touch and perhaps you can begin to appreciate this topic a little more. 

The very first reply on this thread involved someone saying their fantasy was intimacy on a deserted beach. To someone with autism you could probably not describe anything more horrifying than the idea of combining sexual touch and sand getting everywhere. Ouch! 

Badsanta


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Randy2 said:


> From Esther Perel
> People sometimes confess to me that they don’t have sexual fantasies. They assume they have no imagination. I want to tell you that everyone has the capacity for fantasy.


Thanks for sharing. I do take issue that Esther Perel perhaps treated those with lack of fantasy as if it is something missing that needs to be developed/corrected. 

In my opinion there is a much bigger story in simply learning to understand and appreciate why someone might not have any fantasies in the first place. It is likely the key to really understanding and knowing that person intimately versus something that needs to be changed.

Badsanta


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## 2020hindsight (Nov 3, 2015)

uhtred said:


> Interesting. Is sex important to you and something you think about often?


No, sex isn't important to me. I do find it fascinating how some people rate it so highly. My thinking about sex runs along those lines; i.e., what do people like about it?

When I was much younger, I used to think that people were just pretending to be interested in sex, in a kind of Emperor's New Clothes way. Gradually, I realized that they were serious about being interested in sex. But I never felt that way myself.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

That would make sense with your not having sexual fantasies - why fantasize about something that doesn't matter to you.

I can see how other peopel's interest in sex would seem very strange if you are not wired to feel that way yourself. 



2020hindsight said:


> No, sex isn't important to me. I do find it fascinating how some people rate it so highly. My thinking about sex runs along those lines; i.e., what do people like about it?
> 
> When I was much younger, I used to think that people were just pretending to be interested in sex, in a kind of Emperor's New Clothes way. Gradually, I realized that they were serious about being interested in sex. But I never felt that way myself.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

TX-SC said:


> I know her number is "3 or 4" (including me) though she says she's not certain which it is. When I ask how you can't remember that, she just say she doesn't think about it.





Middle of Everything said:


> I can somewhat relate as my wife has responded similarly at times that confound me as well. As in how the hell can you truly not remember such things?





badsanta said:


> I have to admit that I find it extremely fascinating that your wife does not know how many partners she has been with intimately.
> Badsanta


 I am 42. I've been with my husband for nearly 18 years. The only reason I remember how many partners I have had is that, shortly before I met DH, a female friend and I decided to analyze our sexual histories, and wrote them all down. I don't remember all of the names or the order anymore, but I do remember the number. I'm pretty sure if it wasn't for the memory of that conversation I wouldn't even be able to give an accurate number and would have to estimate. It's just been so long it's all rather a foggy blur.


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## bilbag (Aug 3, 2016)

I'm not aware of any of her fantasies. I doubt if she has any involving me. She likes going to concerts. She mentioned this incident where she was trying to catch a water bottle thrown by the lead singer to the crowd. The lady beside her caught it. My wife asked if she can touch it, the lady refused. I thought this is all too silly and irrelevant to our marriage. But I think her fantasies would involve lead singers. ( A couple of them committed suicide this year.)


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> I am 42. I've been with my husband for nearly 18 years. The only reason I remember how many partners I have had is that, shortly before I met DH, a female friend and I decided to analyze our sexual histories, and wrote them all down. I don't remember all of the names or the order anymore, but I do remember the number. I'm pretty sure if it wasn't for the memory of that conversation I wouldn't even be able to give an accurate number and would have to estimate. It's just been so long it's all rather a foggy blur.


I can relate. I've been with my husband for 20 years, and can barely remember life before him. And I never had that conversation with a friend to document my sexual past.

I could ballpark a number, but it would take some serious thought and trips through memory lane to get it right. And even then, I'd probably slip. But none of it would be worth the effort, because, quite frankly, I don't care.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

^^^

Ditto.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

2020hindsight said:


> No, sex isn't important to me. I do find it fascinating how some people rate it so highly. My thinking about sex runs along those lines; i.e., what do people like about it?
> 
> When I was much younger, I used to think that people were just pretending to be interested in sex, in a kind of Emperor's New Clothes way. Gradually, I realized that they were serious about being interested in sex. But I never felt that way myself.


Thanks for sharing that. If you don't mind me asking (I have not read through your other posts/threads at the moment), has your feelings towards sex created challenges in relationships or have your partners been open and accepting about the way you feel? 

Generally speaking advertising and marketing know that sex helps sell products, and portray a model to the public that the more you can enhance/improve sex with their products the better. When you encounter such suggestions with product advertising and magazines, does that make those products look silly as if they are trying to sell you the Emperor's New Cloths, or does it make you begin to feel as though you are missing something? 

And sorry if this question is too personal, but this is one that has really bothered me on this forum... there is the suggestion (even by moderators) that if a partner can make sex really enjoyable that it will help to create more desire for that person to want it much more often. I don't think this is the case (not for everyone). In my own marriage I actually find that when the frequency of sex is lowered that the quality and enjoyment increases. The result being that my wife would prefer better intimacy and the only way to achieve that is by us being together less often. When we try to increase frequency, the quality of intimacy starts to become more routine and diminished. I actually have to admit that for my wife and I that this is correct. I consider myself a higher drive person, but do really enjoy the benefits of lowering frequency to much less than I might naturally try to initiate. In the meantime, this allows us to focus and enjoy much more nonsexual intimacy, which I even admit is just as important if not more important than sex. ...so the question... if you have a partner that actually makes intimacy very enjoyable for you, does this change your overall desire and interest or do you find that after the fact your feelings towards sex are pretty much still the same? 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think this is very situation dependent. There are some people who will not want sex regardless of the situation. There are others who would enjoy sex in the right situation, but are in relationships with a partner who does not behave well in be or in the rest of life. There are also people who don't really enjoy sex, but will do it to keep their partners from leaving, and they may actually accept more sex if their partners seem to be in danger of leaving






badsanta said:


> snip
> And sorry if this question is too personal, but this is one that has really bothered me on this forum... there is the suggestion (even by moderators) that if a partner can make sex really enjoyable that it will help to create more desire for that person to want it much more often. I don't think this is the case (not for everyone). In my own marriage I actually find that when the frequency of sex is lowered that the quality and enjoyment increases. The result being that my wife would prefer better intimacy and the only way to achieve that is by us being together less often. When we try to increase frequency, the quality of intimacy starts to become more routine and diminished. I actually have to admit that for my wife and I that this is correct. I consider myself a higher drive person, but do really enjoy the benefits of lowering frequency to much less than I might naturally try to initiate. In the meantime, this allows us to focus and enjoy much more nonsexual intimacy, which I even admit is just as important if not more important than sex. ...so the question... if you have a partner that actually makes intimacy very enjoyable for you, does this change your overall desire and interest or do you find that after the fact your feelings towards sex are pretty much still the same?
> 
> Regards,
> Badsanta


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

I LOVE hearing my wife's fantasies and I think she likes telling me. I has really opened up our sex life!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

uhtred said:


> I think this is very situation dependent. There are some people who will not want sex regardless of the situation. There are others who would enjoy sex in the right situation, but are in relationships with a partner who does not behave well in be or in the rest of life. There are also people who don't really enjoy sex, but will do it to keep their partners from leaving, and they may actually accept more sex if their partners seem to be in danger of leaving


Completely agree! For some even in a very healthy relationship better sex and better orgasms may even result in a lowered desire and frequency as a result of simply feeling very satisfied and content for many days afterwards.

Badsanta


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We know each other's fantasies, both sexually and for life. We've made most of them happen, too - we're now working on the rest, and some repeats of the best ones.


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## 2020hindsight (Nov 3, 2015)

badsanta said:


> Thanks for sharing that. If you don't mind me asking (I have not read through your other posts/threads at the moment), has your feelings towards sex created challenges in relationships or have your partners been open and accepting about the way you feel?


I didn't really talk about the way I felt with boyfriends in college because I was ashamed of that part of myself. I felt broken. I'd usually have one boyfriend for the span of a college year, who would then graduate at the end of the school year and move somewhere else post-graduation. Those college relationships and graduation breakups seemed normal to me, in line with what was happening to my friends who had dated seniors and grad students. I think my boyfriends were just happy to be with me and having fun. They never hinted otherwise.

Then I met someone in my senior year, fell in love, and got married a few years later. He knew I didn't particularly care about sex or have any sex drive to speak of, but he didn't care. Many years later, he lit out in a midlife-crisis kind of way, without really explaining why, and that was it for the marriage. I'm still trying to understand if my lack of sexual motivation were even a part of why he left. I'm still trying to figure it out, which is why I'm here. He never said he was unhappy, but maybe he was secretly unhappy?



badsanta said:


> Generally speaking advertising and marketing know that sex helps sell products, and portray a model to the public that the more you can enhance/improve sex with their products the better. When you encounter such suggestions with product advertising and magazines, does that make those products look silly as if they are trying to sell you the Emperor's New Clothes, or does it make you begin to feel as though you are missing something?


Yes, I find that kind of marketing ridiculous. It's so far out of my mindset that I can't relate. And sad, like those adverts for "intimate wash" formulated with fairness chemicals, which suggest the reason a husband ignores his wife is that her loins are too dark. My reaction to all adverts that appeal to sexual motives is kinda the same as it is to this one: wtf??








badsanta said:


> And sorry if this question is too personal, but this is one that has really bothered me on this forum... there is the suggestion (even by moderators) that if a partner can make sex really enjoyable that it will help to create more desire for that person to want it much more often. I don't think this is the case (not for everyone). In my own marriage I actually find that when the frequency of sex is lowered that the quality and enjoyment increases. The result being that my wife would prefer better intimacy and the only way to achieve that is by us being together less often. When we try to increase frequency, the quality of intimacy starts to become more routine and diminished. I actually have to admit that for my wife and I that this is correct. I consider myself a higher drive person, but do really enjoy the benefits of lowering frequency to much less than I might naturally try to initiate. In the meantime, this allows us to focus and enjoy much more nonsexual intimacy, which I even admit is just as important if not more important than sex. ...so the question... if you have a partner that actually makes intimacy very enjoyable for you, does this change your overall desire and interest or do you find that after the fact your feelings towards sex are pretty much still the same?
> 
> Regards,
> Badsanta


Enjoyable for me? I don't even know what that means. It's not something I enjoy. My preference for sexual frequency would be never.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

2020hindsight said:


> I didn't really talk about the way I felt with boyfriends in college because I was ashamed of that part of myself. I felt broken. I'd usually have one boyfriend for the span of a college year, who would then graduate at the end of the school year and move somewhere else post-graduation. Those college relationships and graduation breakups seemed normal to me, in line with what was happening to my friends who had dated seniors and grad students. I think my boyfriends were just happy to be with me and having fun. They never hinted otherwise.
> 
> Then I met someone in my senior year, fell in love, and got married a few years later. He knew I didn't particularly care about sex or have any sex drive to speak of, but he didn't care. Many years later, he lit out in a midlife-crisis kind of way, without really explaining why, and that was it for the marriage. I'm still trying to understand if my lack of sexual motivation were even a part of why he left. I'm still trying to figure it out, which is why I'm here. He never said he was unhappy, but maybe he was secretly unhappy?
> 
> ...


Thanks for sharing... 

Sorry to hear about your husband's mid-life crisis. I think everyone goes through them so-to-speak. In my personal opinion such an event is usually fueled by an irreconcilable conflict between the person someone strives to be and the person that they he/she actually is. Sometimes sexuality can be a significant part of that process in the event that person was trying to suppress something about themselves that they are ashamed about. If this is the case it would be his fault for not being true to himself in order for you to actually know him. The fact that you do not know what caused his crisis means that he may be still hiding that part of himself from you out of his own shame.

My own wife has many times said she would be completely happy in life without ever having sex again. She once complained to her doctor that she has zero libido. At no time in my life have I ever thought less of her for those things. What is more important to me is just some willingness on her behalf to work together so that we appreciate our differences as opposed to arguing about them. 

That commercial was rather over dramatized. 

Anyway...

Thanks for sharing on this forum. Don't let people shame you up because you don't enjoy sex. Hopefully you can help people by trying to share a different perspective than what is so often voiced here.

Sincerely,
Badsanta


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Not only know them but are doing them. We have been into fetish sex for 45 years. Not much that we have not done. Whenever sex gets routine we find another fetish. My wife did hide one fantasy from me for a few years after we married because she thought it was sinful but after the first threesome with her best friend and me, she decided sex with girls is worth going to hell for. >


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> I don’t think my own fantasy is ever going to happen.
> 
> I walk in the woods every morning and have done for years.
> 
> ...




Wrong woods 


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

I used to spend so much time trying to work out my wife's fantasies (she wouldn't really tell me or said that she didn't have any in particular). I was certain she must have them but just didn't want to tell me. One day our sex life suddenly 'clicked' into place and I thought I finally figured out what her fantasy might be. Then, I brought it up and said I'm glad that I figured it out. She said 'figured out what'. I told her, you know, the crazy thing that we just did. She then turned around and said that she was sure it was my fantasy all along, not hers....
Confusion ensued.
But then it hit me that one of her fantasies was probably me acting out my fantasies on her.... 
It was as if the fantasy was fuelling itself off of both of us and got a life of its own..
So moral of the story...don't get too hung up who has and who hasn't got a fantasy. Like our existence in the universe, the origins are not nearly as important as trying stuff out and enjoying them with each other.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Andy1001 said:


> I don’t think my own fantasy is ever going to happen.
> I walk in the woods every morning and have done for years.
> I have never even seen Charlize Theron down there much less naked.
> Sigh.


Speaking of Charlize Theron,* I think it is safe to assume that all major Hollywood actors and actresses DO have fantasies and all involve role play. *


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

I know the ones she's told me, pretty tame mostly, some are naughtier, so I think there are probably more that she is too inhibited to say. I tell her mine, not so tame, but the really naughty ones I keep to myself. It's not worth worrying her.


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## bilbag (Aug 3, 2016)

2020hindsight said:


> I didn't really talk about the way I felt with boyfriends in college because I was ashamed of that part of myself. I felt broken. I'd usually have one boyfriend for the span of a college year, who would then graduate at the end of the school year and move somewhere else post-graduation. Those college relationships and graduation breakups seemed normal to me, in line with what was happening to my friends who had dated seniors and grad students. I think my boyfriends were just happy to be with me and having fun. They never hinted otherwise.
> 
> Then I met someone in my senior year, fell in love, and got married a few years later. He knew I didn't particularly care about sex or have any sex drive to speak of, but he didn't care. Many years later, he lit out in a midlife-crisis kind of way, without really explaining why, and that was it for the marriage. I'm still trying to understand if my lack of sexual motivation were even a part of why he left. I'm still trying to figure it out, which is why I'm here. He never said he was unhappy, but maybe he was secretly unhappy?
> 
> ...


I'm in a marriage which has been struggling with sexual frequency and desire. Initially she desired but after 20+ yrs she doesn't have any to offer. But desire is not a dealbreaker for me. Willingness and effort is enough. Trying the 'intimate wash' would be going above and beyond, although I'd appreciate that. 
It's unfortunate your husband left your marriage unexpectedly without discussing his unhappiness and trying to resolve it with you. Perhaps he had fantasies and an opportunity to realize it presented itself midlife. It's beyond me to understand also.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

*2020hindsight
My preference for sexual frequency would be never.*

I don't know any men that would get married knowing that sexual frequency/desire was going to be "never" and the quality was going to be starfish, if it did happen.

A lot of walk away spouses DID indicate they were unhappy with the relationship. It is just the affected partner didn't hear the implied or actual message because S/He didn't agree with the complaint or suggestion. I have read story after story that S/HE wants things to improve but the messages never took root.

I am not including people that just want some "extra loving" or cheaters.

Femanine products are "SOLD" by manufactures because the manufactures create the idea women need the product, even if the product is dangerous. Without the advertisements, women would not "BUY" the products.

"SOLD" is a term that reflects some company or person creating a market where there would not be one. "BUY" indicates what people would pay money for with very little or no advertising. Of course, like most things people buy there is a combination of "sold" and "buy" working and creating income for corporations.

Here is a product "sold" by the name of Lysol. It was advertised feminine wash a long time ago. Look at the main ingredient and ask yourself if you think it is safe to use?

Lysol is a brand name of cleaning and disinfecting products distributed by Reckitt Benckiser. The line includes solutions for hard and soft surfaces, air treatment, and hand washing. The active ingredient in many of the Lysol products is benzalkonium chloride.

I trained to be a life insurance agent a long time ago. I quit before completing the training because the training included the idea that a few people would "BUY" life insurance but most pay for life insurance because it "IS SOLD," meaning if it wasn't advertised so much the market for sales would be small. The company training was geared toward convincing the customer the needed the product.

The second part of why I quit before the training was over was the money side. The company paid more in sales commission than what it paid out to policy holders. If I remember correctly the payout to policy holders was around 38%. To me that said the company-sales people were more important than the customers. 

Several worthless things are marketer to women and men, with promises that have no validity.

Ask yourself what you would pay money for if it was never advertised but most sales came from word-of mouth endorsements from people you knew were middle of the road types.

The TV shopping channels operate on creating a market to convince people the person's life will be so much better if they have the item that is being demonstrated at the time. Look and determine all of th tricks to get people to buy the item.

I know a few people that buy something from QVC 4x a week. Do those people really need that much stuff or are the "SOLD" the stuff?


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

At one time I had a online penpal female but I also knew here we both married but she had a fantasy that her husband wouldn't do period but it was appealing to me so we would chat about it. My wife and I had always had a good sexual relationship and I suggested this to her " at that point it wasn't a fantasy" well you would have though my hair was on fire....So now over time that suggestion from my friends wife that he won't and my wife won't do....when we get together as a couple we "her and I" joke that when they are gone we are gonna hookup and have a good ole time. So she got turned down and so did I....and in my mind if a couple is sexually active why not try different stuff...at least twice....cause the first time ya might have a legitimate headache. okay okay....I am being a little sarcastic here but really why not try this or that .....your sex life is a bit more important than the PTA . I can't tell you how many hours of my life I can never get back doing the things "she" wanted to do. So why is sexual acts, fantasies etc an issue. We go the Kings Dominion. I like the Rollercoasters and she won't ride them, I don't care. She loves the merry-go-round, I hate them and I mean really makes me sick.....she is upset because it reminds her of her childhood and wants me to experience that. All of this is BullSh?t. Sex is about have an orgasm, bigger and better than the one before it and the only way that happens is thru exploration or another partner who ramps up the heat. That being said I am not curious enough to seek another woman. But at some point I may be......it might be next year or 10 yrs from now so My question to the room is how do I get my wife to explore "OUR" sexuality?


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## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

I envy those who can talk about their fantasies to their spouses . My ex had to low self esteem to enjoy it


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

David51 said:


> At one time I had a online penpal female but I also knew here we both married but she had a fantasy that her husband wouldn't do period but it was appealing to me so we would chat about it. My wife and I had always had a good sexual relationship and I suggested this to her " at that point it wasn't a fantasy" well you would have though my hair was on fire....So now over time that suggestion from my friends wife that he won't and my wife won't do....when we get together as a couple we "her and I" joke that when they are gone we are gonna hookup and have a good ole time. So she got turned down and so did I....and in my mind if a couple is sexually active why not try different stuff...at least twice....cause the first time ya might have a legitimate headache. okay okay....I am being a little sarcastic here but really why not try this or that .....your sex life is a bit more important than the PTA . I can't tell you how many hours of my life I can never get back doing the things "she" wanted to do. So why is sexual acts, fantasies etc an issue. We go the Kings Dominion. I like the Rollercoasters and she won't ride them, I don't care. She loves the merry-go-round, I hate them and I mean really makes me sick.....she is upset because it reminds her of her childhood and wants me to experience that. All of this is BullSh?t. Sex is about have an orgasm, bigger and better than the one before it and the only way that happens is thru exploration or another partner who ramps up the heat. That being said I am not curious enough to seek another woman. But at some point I may be......it might be next year or 10 yrs from now so My question to the room is how do I get my wife to explore "OUR" sexuality?
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


I hate to break it to ya', but it's not "our sexuality" unless both members of the couple want it. Just because I want to try something because it is a part of my sexuality doesn't make it a part of our sexuality. That can cause dissatisfaction, but it doesn't make it untrue. The fact is you may be faced with the horrible choice between having to repress some aspects of your sexuality or having to look elsewhere.


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> I hate to break it to ya', but it's not "our sexuality" unless both members of the couple want it. Just because I want to try something because it is a part of my sexuality doesn't make it a part of our sexuality. That can cause dissatisfaction, but it doesn't make it untrue. The fact is you may be faced with the horrible choice between having to repress some aspects of your sexuality or having to look elsewhere.




I get offers from elsewhere but I am not there yet.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

David51 said:


> I get offers from elsewhere but I am not there yet.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


I had regular offers as well--never went there in 31 years.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

I don't know if it's been mentioned already but there are some people who have plenty of fantasies but have no desire to live them out in real life. As such, they may not want to share them with their partners for fear of feeling pressured to act them out. Food for thought.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Yes. I think its worth separating fantasies that you want to try, from ones that might be fun to role-play, from ones you never want to do.

In a really close relationship, you could tell your partner all of them - just be clear which are which. 




Lila said:


> I don't know if it's been mentioned already but there are some people who have plenty of fantasies but have no desire to live them out in real life. As such, they may not want to share them with their partners for fear of feeling pressured to act them out. Food for thought.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

uhtred said:


> Yes. I think its worth separating fantasies that you want to try, from ones that might be fun to role-play, from ones you never want to do.
> 
> In a really close relationship, you could tell your partner all of them - just be clear which are which.


There are two reasons why I do not agree that everyone should share their fantasies, regardless of relationship status. 

The first involves the person with the fantasy. There are some people who have fantasies they would attempt IRL, but these fantasies are not viable IRL for obvious and not so obvious reasons. The not obvious reasons would be: 

It sounds like a great idea in their heads but may cause them extreme anxiety IRL: for example, outdoor sex. The possibility of getting caught could mean ED for the man or no enjoyment for the woman
The alternative role-play is a turn off: for example, an MMF threesome but the wife is not interested in role-playing with toys
The partner would never fit the role of the fantasy lover and hearing that would be hurtful: For example, the person has a bondage fantasy but no desire to perform it with _their_ partner.

The second involves the person hearing the fantasies. There are some people who just hearing their partner's fantasy puts it in the "must make happen" column. In other cases, they keep bringing up the fantasy during sexual sessions. Doing this may cause the partner with the fantasy to feel pressured and lose their intimate connection to their partner. 

In summary......Know your audience.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Lila said:


> There are two reasons why I do not agree that everyone should share their fantasies, regardless of relationship status. ...



I can add a third reason! 

Sometimes your spouse may actually request that you do NOT share. If fantasies have been shared in the past and for whatever reason your spouse feels that sharing those ideas are something distracting, then it may be best to keep things to yourself. It is however important to understand why in this situation what it is that makes a spouse uncomfortable. 

My wife is somewhat of a germaphobe. If I suggest anything that creates a reaction to her fear of germs, she will get very upset and uncomfortable. One example for her is the jacuzzi in our house. Even if it has just been professionally cleaned, as soon as someone sets foot into it (ever her) and washes their feet it becomes a bubbly cauldron of doom. So if I want to relax with her in our jacuzzi, I need to accept that her germaphobic part of her personality makes that impossible and I need to just drop the idea or any others that fall into this category. 

Badsanta


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## sissyphus (Feb 1, 2012)

I think my wife's fantasy is that she wants to be a Nun. From her asexual behavior, I think she might accomplish her fantasy.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

badsanta said:


> I can add a third reason!
> 
> Sometimes your spouse may actually request that you do NOT share. If fantasies have been shared in the past and for whatever reason your spouse feels that sharing those ideas are something distracting, then it may be best to keep things to yourself. It is however important to understand why in this situation what it is that makes a spouse uncomfortable.


Very true.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

OK, now that this poll has been up for a while it appears we have some workable results:

1/3 of spouses have and share fantasies
2/3 of spouses do not have or do not share fantasies

Once we apply a 75%+ chance for error/miscommunication here on TAM, we can still conclude that it is actually common to have a spouse that either has no fantasies or for whatever reason chooses not to share them. 

...alright, let's use an analogy here to explore the spouse with no fantasies as if everything is related to food. Your taking your spouse out to eat somewhere nice and your hoping to make their food fantasies come true as a way to make them happy. You ask what they want and you get the proverbial, "I don't know, you decide." So by now you know most of the foods/restaurants your spouse does not like and you have a plan to try something completely new based on positive online reviews. You arrive at this new restaurant with your spouse and it turns out to not be enjoyable at all. Everything is foreign, awkward, and the staff is no where to be seen. Everything is just horrible, and after two hours of torture and paying a higher than usual tab you leave feeling like you would have been better off to have just stayed home...

So now using that analogy whose fault was it that going out to a new restaurant turned out to be a bad experience? When you complain your spouse will be quick to blame you, because after all you were the one that got to decide where to go. So it all ends up being your fault.

Now if you were to repeat that scenario and everything actually turns out wonderful, whose fault was it for everything being so great? Odds are you compliment your spouse for being a fun and great person to spend time together in this manner. As in, "we had such a fun evening together at that new restaurant, I really enjoy us spending time together like that. We should do that more often." Then perhaps your spouse credits you for picking a great place, and you end up getting the credit.

*Now when a spouse has virtually no sexual fantasies,* in my opinion it kind of works out the same way. *The other person in the relationship has to take on the responsibility over what happens intimately.* As much as it would be nice to shift responsibility to the spouse with no inherent fantasies our specific desires/requests, we all know by now that doing so will only create a world of hurt. We can't want them to want things, and begin communicating step by step what to do. 

It kind of falls into the traditional suggestion that a marital relationship is like that of a captain to a ship. The captain can NOT blame the ship for arriving somewhere inhospitable, but instead should spend time keeping everything well maintained so that the ship can weather the storm and carry them back to safety.


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## drewg350 (Oct 14, 2017)

So for several years I was apart from my wife and kid's as I worked half way across the country in several other states. Two years ago I finally bought a new house and was no longer moving around in multiple states, so they moved out to be with me. One day my wife calls me at work, all calm, and very nice and says "honey I was going thru some boxes and I found all your sex toys". I had discovered "P-spot" play and I had quite an assortment of various curved dildoes. I was absolutely mortified and at first, my wife thought I was using them with another women, being that alot of them are like "g-spot" dildoes. I was almost willing to ruin my marriage to save my shame/embarrassment, but I decided that I'd come clean. At first she didn't believe me, but judging from my emotions she could tell I was being truthful. She ALWAYS knows when I'm lieing. Always. Anyway, a part of me was relieved, and another part of me was really turned on because she was so understanding and accepting of it. I never thought I would ever be able to explore this "p-spot" stuff with her as I figured she'd be grossed out or think I was gay. I explained to her that it's not "gay behavior" for guys to like this. If putting a toy in your ass makes a guy gay, than that would mean lesbians who use strap ons are really wanting a guy or straight sex. I have no desire to have sex with men. But I do get a lot of pleasure from my p-spot. We've talked about "pegging" and she knows it's one of my fantasies, but only with her.
I've always asked her what fantasies she has, but she always told me "none". Well recently while working on our relationship I said to her "Cmon honey. You know my fantasy. You must have have some ???" To my surprise she said "ok. But don't get any ideas because it's not going to happen." She went on to say "she fantasies about having sex with another woman. Just to try it. Said it's would have to be a total stranger. No friends, as she doesn't want a relationship. Just to see what it's like". Of course, like most guys, I was almost shaking just thinking about it. I asked her "if you were to watch porn, I would guess you'd prefer lesbian porn to guy/girl". She said "yes. I'd definitely watch lesbian porn". So last night I pulled up some real romantic lesbian porn and she got so turned on. I'm not sure she'd ever actually act on her fantasy but I told her I'd support her any way she likes. Be there to watch, or just leave them alone and she could fill me in afterwards. From everything I've read, her fantasy is really very common among women.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

badsanta said:


> OK, now that this poll has been up for a while it appears we have some workable results:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Lots of interesting stuff. But...isn’t there a huge difference between not having and not sharing fantasies with your partner? It’s difficult to know what to take away from the result. I think the poll should have been more sub-divided perhaps?





badsanta said:


> Once we apply a 75%+ chance for error/miscommunication here on TAM, we can still conclude that it is actually common to have a spouse that either has no fantasies or for whatever reason chooses not to share them.
> 
> 
> 
> ...alright, let's use an analogy here to explore the spouse with no fantasies as if everything is related to food. Your taking your spouse out to eat somewhere nice and your hoping to make their food fantasies come true as a way to make them happy. You ask what they want and you get the proverbial, "I don't know, you decide." So by now you know most of the foods/restaurants your spouse does not like and you have a plan to try something completely new based on positive online reviews.


If only I could somehow find a website that reviewed my wife’s potential fantasies 




badsanta said:


> You arrive at this new restaurant with your spouse and it turns out to not be enjoyable at all. Everything is foreign, awkward, and the staff is no where to be seen. Everything is just horrible, and after two hours of torture and paying a higher than usual tab you leave feeling like you would have been better off to have just stayed home...
> 
> 
> 
> ...



‘Full warp speed!’ In the words of Captain Picard.
Great analogy for one little problem: wife also has her own brain and will not only take the ship off course pretty much before you even think of touching her ‘warp core’ but also strip you off your rankings and divert the vessel to the galaxy of cluster**** in an emergency manoeuvre.

I wouldn’t want to be the one in charge of that ship at any point..But love the analogy.
Full throttle! We are entering a black hole...
Not to mention those pesky Romulans who keep texting her...



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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

drewg350 said:


> So for several years I was apart from my wife and kid's as I worked half way across the country in several other states. Two years ago I finally bought a new house and was no longer moving around in multiple states, so they moved out to be with me. One day my wife calls me at work, all calm, and very nice and says "honey I was going thru some boxes and I found all your sex toys". I had discovered "P-spot" play and I had quite an assortment of various curved dildoes. I was absolutely mortified and at first, my wife thought I was using them with another women, being that alot of them are like "g-spot" dildoes. I was almost willing to ruin my marriage to save my shame/embarrassment, but I decided that I'd come clean. At first she didn't believe me, but judging from my emotions she could tell I was being truthful. She ALWAYS knows when I'm lieing. Always. Anyway, a part of me was relieved, and another part of me was really turned on because she was so understanding and accepting of it. I never thought I would ever be able to explore this "p-spot" stuff with her as I figured she'd be grossed out or think I was gay. I explained to her that it's not "gay behavior" for guys to like this. If putting a toy in your ass makes a guy gay, than that would mean lesbians who use strap ons are really wanting a guy or straight sex. I have no desire to have sex with men. But I do get a lot of pleasure from my p-spot. We've talked about "pegging" and she knows it's one of my fantasies, but only with her.
> I've always asked her what fantasies she has, but she always told me "none". Well recently while working on our relationship I said to her "Cmon honey. You know my fantasy. You must have have some ???" To my surprise she said "ok. But don't get any ideas because it's not going to happen." She went on to say "she fantasies about having sex with another woman. Just to try it. Said it's would have to be a total stranger. No friends, as she doesn't want a relationship. Just to see what it's like". Of course, like most guys, I was almost shaking just thinking about it. I asked her "if you were to watch porn, I would guess you'd prefer lesbian porn to guy/girl". She said "yes. I'd definitely watch lesbian porn". So last night I pulled up some real romantic lesbian porn and she got so turned on. I'm not sure she'd ever actually act on her fantasy but I told her I'd support her any way she likes. Be there to watch, or just leave them alone and she could fill me in afterwards. From everything I've read, her fantasy is really very common among women.




Yes, it’s common. As is the p spot among men..
Though the lesbian fantasy is possibly a bit of a cop out: I don’t think most would go through with it (and the ones that do, you can probably kiss goodbye).
My wife has same fantasy but I think it’s simply the only type of porn she finds aesthetically acceptable to watch. I don’t think she’d actually want to get all wet & soapy with other squirting females somehow if it came to it. But I don’t want to ruin your fantasy about your wife’s fantasy 



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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *No fantasies from either of my XW's, @badsanta ~ but one that I've always fancied is making unbridled love to my lady on the sands of a beautiful deserted Caribbean tropical beach!
> 
> Conveyed this fantasy of mine to both my XW and RSXW during our respective marriages, and although opportunities for it abounded, neither of them really made any kind of a concerted effort to even remotely comply with it! *


Seems that the women I'ved known treasure the security and safety of their own beds. And yet, many of us men yearn for the seeming spontaneity and freedom of doing it outdoors....to us, this is a sign that the woman really trusts us, that she feels safe with us, even if not ensconsed in the artificial man-made surroundings of a canopy bed with man-made fabric sheets. The sexual urge is primal, not a highly sophisticated cultural development; to insist it only be carried out in the sactified halls of name-brand bed linens almost seems a sacrilege to the sheer power and nature of the act.

But that's just me.

On the other hand, 25 years ago, I enjoyed the experience. Had been developing a relationship that turned into the summer romance, with a woman who loved the outdoors. We consummated the relationship at 11,000 feet, on a blanket next to our campfire with the milky way showing our faces to each other. And that was HER idea. It was everything I'd hoped it could.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

I'm sure I don't know all of my gf's fantasies, but I tell her mine and we often base scenes on them. She opened up and told me a hot one last week, so we are doing a scene based on it next Saturday.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

DustyDog said:


> Seems that the women I'ved known treasure the security and safety of their own beds.


My wife is subject to much more amorous feelings when we travel. A bed in a nice hotel is always more attractive than the bed at home (which, btw, is very nice).

But she's now so subject to menopause-related discomfort and extreme susceptibility to UTIs (I have to agree that it's foolish to take a chance on getting a UTI when far from home), that that particular benefit of travel has disappeared. 

It seems whenever a door is opened, it is slammed right back in your face, and the window is also boarded.


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## drewg350 (Oct 14, 2017)

inmyprime said:


> drewg350 said:
> 
> 
> > So for several years I was apart from my wife and kid's as I worked half way across the country in several other states. Two years ago I finally bought a new house and was no longer moving around in multiple states, so they moved out to be with me. One day my wife calls me at work, all calm, and very nice and says "honey I was going thru some boxes and I found all your sex toys". I had discovered "P-spot" play and I had quite an assortment of various curved dildoes. I was absolutely mortified and at first, my wife thought I was using them with another women, being that alot of them are like "g-spot" dildoes. I was almost willing to ruin my marriage to save my shame/embarrassment, but I decided that I'd come clean. At first she didn't believe me, but judging from my emotions she could tell I was being truthful. She ALWAYS knows when I'm lieing. Always. Anyway, a part of me was relieved, and another part of me was really turned on because she was so understanding and accepting of it. I never thought I would ever be able to explore this "p-spot" stuff with her as I figured she'd be grossed out or think I was gay. I explained to her that it's not "gay behavior" for guys to like this. If putting a toy in your ass makes a guy gay, than that would mean lesbians who use strap ons are really wanting a guy or straight sex. I have no desire to have sex with men. But I do get a lot of pleasure from my p-spot. We've talked about "pegging" and she knows it's one of my fantasies, but only with her.
> ...



Please, don't ruin my fantasy about her fantasy (lol). I don't believe she would ever act upon it, as you stated. But let me refrain that: I don't believe she would go out of her way to try and make this fantasy happen. However, if the opportunity presented itself, and she had a few drinks in her, I know she'd definitely do it. When we were dating in our twenties, she had several girlfriends who were either gay, bi, or just curious. I watched several of these girlfriends make out with her on different occasions, always with a few drinks, and one even tried to sleep with her, but she turned her down. I believe she definitely enjoyed it. But it's very possible she was just doing it for my entertainment as she knows it's always driven me wild. But her talking about it the other day, and being specific, has me optimistic (lol).


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

inmyprime said:


> Lots of interesting stuff. But...*isn’t there a huge difference between not having and not sharing fantasies with your partner?* It’s difficult to know what to take away from the result. I think the poll should have been more sub-divided perhaps?


I did the poll this way on purpose! I think there are many couples out there in which a spouse may be frustrated because he/she feels a spouse refuses to share information about fantasies. All the while no consideration is given to the idea that there simply may not be any fantasies.

So while YES there is a big difference to not having and not sharing, but if one has a spouse that is inherently not that sexual, does not initiate, and does not self explore... I think that if such spouse does have fantasies that they are emotionally unexplored, undeveloped, and may be of little or no benefit for the other spouse to actually know them. 

I've heard of sexual fantasies described as getting excited to go eat at a restaurant. For those of us that have explored various menus and really learned to appreciate details about them, we know what meals will get us really excited and why. For those that do not it is as if driving down the street and seeing one restaurant after another. Perhaps they all look good or they all look bad. As to "why" each restaurant looks good or bad is a rather subjective and undeveloped guess based on instincts. Those instincts while helpful on a basic level are undeveloped and may just be reacting to how clean or safe something looks and nothing more. So sushi is raw and probably not safe to eat, right? One should never eat raw or undercooked food! For those of us that know sushi and have a developed taste for it, a good sushi menu is something that might get your mouth watering. To the novice, they probably need someone to help guide them and explain that tempura sushi is fully cooked and very safe to eat in order for them to try and begin learning about it with you. 










Now if someone really has developed fantasies and has chosen to NOT share them with you. That is something very different all together. But I would say that if your spouse's fantasies are indeed very developed, generally speaking you are going to know about it based on your spouse's behavior. Odds are your spouse has been dropping hints like crazy and you are A) oblivious or B) not really interested in the fantasy. 



> HUSBAND: I'm tired of always choosing where we eat. Where would you want to go?
> 
> WIFE: Hey all my friends say that we should try this place together, you want to? I've tried it a few times on my own during lunch and it is amazing!
> 
> ...


Now that is an example of a spouse completely missing a well developed hint and then dismissing it based on instincts.

Badsanta


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

badsanta said:


> I can add a third reason!
> 
> Sometimes your spouse may actually request that you do NOT share. If fantasies have been shared in the past and for whatever reason your spouse feels that sharing those ideas are something distracting, then it may be best to keep things to yourself. It is however important to understand why in this situation what it is that makes a spouse uncomfortable.
> 
> ...


After reading the responses on the Should I Be Worried thread I found a 4th reason why some spouses do not share their fantasies.....they run the risk of losing trust in the relationship, triggering insecurities, or destroying the partner's impression of the person they were before the fantasy was shared.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I know some of my wife's sexual fantasies. They are pretty wild. Certainly wilder than I would type out here. And she has told me there are things in her head I will never know.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

My husband is not very open about sex and we don't really talk about it. So i have no idea about his fantasies. I would share with him but I don't feel so comfortable as I don't know how he'd react and we just don't talk about that stuff.


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