# Souse impossible to live with



## Goingitalone1

I have been married to my husband for 30 years. Long story short, he has a mental illness and will not admit it or get help with it. He's an alcoholic, but he stopped drinking 2 years ago. He was drunk for 9 horrid years. He has an explosive irrational temper and is very verbally abusive. The temper and verbal abuse come in bouts usually every few weeks or so. He cursing me out for nothing and I mean nothing. Loud screaming and horrible cursing. All I did was walk down the stairs into the kitchen, but he took offence at some perceived slight. The truth is I was a little down because I'm having other family problems right now and the last thing in this world I needed was to be screamed at (he looks like a madman when he gets like this) and is utterly irrational. He thought I was slighting him in some way when I was just down. Also, I am sick with a bad headache and a sinus infection. I am not allowed to be human around this man. My being down and unresponsive had nothing to do with him personally, but he took it as some huge offense. He ranting, raged, and cursed and then moved out. He used to go drink. Blames all this on me! He considers this mad behavior totally acceptable and justified. It's just crazy and I cannot reason with him at all. I cannot talk to him. He refuses to get help. Refuses to acknowledge he has a serious problem This is the problem that lead to his alcoholism. 

I do love him. He is a good person. He just cannot see that he has a serious mental problem that is destroying him, me, and our marriage. Serious mental illness runs in his family. I am powerless and helpless to do anything about it. I do love him very very much!! I find it nearly impossible to get along without him, because the good days are good, and he can be very supportive and loving. And then out of the blue, this horror starts all over again. 

I don't think I can cope. I am demoralized and devastated and I do not know how I will keep going.


----------



## jlg07

In all fairness, you CAN'T help him. If this is a mental illness, he needs PROFESSIONAL help, no matter how much YOU want to help him. He moved out. So, YOU start getting YOU together. Make sure you take care of yourself, exercise, get enough sleep, start working on hobbies or other things that YOU have always wanted to do.

This is NOT on you. YOU CANNOT fix this. You can lead the horse to water, but...

You make sure that YOU get to counseling if you need it, make sure YOU have your support network of friends/family who can be there for you.

Sorry that you are going through this.


----------



## Goingitalone1

jlg07 said:


> In all fairness, you CAN'T help him. If this is a mental illness, he needs PROFESSIONAL help, no matter how much YOU want to help him. He moved out. So, YOU start getting YOU together. Make sure you take care of yourself, exercise, get enough sleep, start working on hobbies or other things that YOU have always wanted to do.
> 
> This is NOT on you. YOU CANNOT fix this. You can lead the horse to water, but...
> 
> You make sure that YOU get to counseling if you need it, make sure YOU have your support network of friends/family who can be there for you.
> 
> Sorry that you are going through this.


Thank you for your kind response. During Covid, I have very little support and cannot get out at all. I am at high risk for Covid complications. I have never had family support. For the most part, my family is cold and unfeeling. It's like trying to get blood out of a stone.


----------



## Diana7

He is abusive and yet you still remain with him. I have no idea why. Your life must be so miserable and depressing.


----------



## Goingitalone1

Diana, that is one of the most insensitive remarks I've ever heard. He is abusive. On the other hand, it has not been all bad. I do have a problem going it alone and it's difficult for me, very difficult to do that. Your answer was not helpful or supportive. 

What I need right now is kindness, helpfulness, and support.


----------



## MJJEAN

Goingitalone1 said:


> Diana, that is one of the most insensitive remarks I've ever heard. He is abusive. On the other hand, it has not been all bad. I do have a problem going it alone and it's difficult for me, very difficult to do that. Your answer was not helpful or supportive.
> 
> What I need right now is kindness, helpfulness, and support.


Actually, that was kind and helpful. Your husband is abusive. You description of him makes him sound like an absolute nightmare. Living in this environment is not healthy for you. Why are you doing this to yourself? You need to ask yourself the hard questions because gentle has kept you in this horrid relationship and has you acting as an apologist for an abusive dry drunk.


----------



## Diana7

Goingitalone1 said:


> Diana, that is one of the most insensitive remarks I've ever heard. He is abusive. On the other hand, it has not been all bad. I do have a problem going it alone and it's difficult for me, very difficult to do that. Your answer was not helpful or supportive.
> 
> What I need right now is kindness, helpfulness, and support.


Abused women always try and make out its 'not that bad', but you said that he is impossible to live with. How it is insensitive to tell an abused woman to leave their abuser? If your daughter was being abused would you suggest she left him? Or stayed to be abused some more because its 'not all been bad?'
You really have 2 choices in the end, stay and carry on being abused, or leave. It would not be kind or helpful or supportive of me or anyone else to tell you to stay.


----------



## Prodigal

Yes, you do need support. But you also need to look at this realistically. Sure, you love him. But how much of the man you love remains? I walked through the apartment where my alcoholic husband spent the last nine weeks of his life. The first thing that struck me as I surveyed what he left behind is that he had lost his humanity. There was a being that existed, but the man I knew was gone. Sounds like this may be what you are confronting.

You are going to end up in total emotional and physical collapse if you stay with your husband. I had to leave and go on with my life. But, I assure you, I detached with love. I also put in place firm boundaries as to what I would, and would not, tolerate.

Consider that.


----------



## cc48kel

I could've written this post besides the drinking.. Mine refuses to get help and has anger problems whic.leads to changing my words around which really annoy me. He is a little better since our teens poke fun of how he acts. But if the kids aren't around he can blow his top.. I do my best to laugh it off because I think my BP is going up... Actually, he had covid and I took care of the beast-- BP was 190 over something.. Now it's back to normal but still I need to watch my health.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

I've run across a few people who had mental illness in their family who were dead set against getting help for it. And a lot of the hereditary mental illnesses are serious ones that there may not be a remedy for too. 

you have this one life and you've got to decide if this is how you want to live it or if you want some peace. You can't fix him. It's possible nobody can fix him. And he doesn't want to be fixed.


----------



## cc48kel

cc48kel said:


> I could've written this post besides the drinking.. Mine refuses to get help and has anger problems whic.leads to changing my words around which really annoy me. He is a little better since our teens poke fun of how he acts. But if the kids aren't around he can blow his top.. I do my best to laugh it off because I think my BP is going up... Actually, he had covid and I took care of the beast-- BP was 190 over something.. Now it's back to normal but still I need to watch my health.


And yes it runs in the family-- about 5 years ago I talked with his parents and they put it back on me like I'm the one with the problem!!! Then a year ago I couldn't take it so I confided in his older brother-- he did tell spouse not to yell as it effects the kids and to try marriage counseling--- we only went once.. So yeah, his family was a loss cause. And he wonders why I don't cook more for his elder parents now. He also wants to have his family over for X-mas Eve!!! For one it's covid and 2, why would I want them over here just to 'play' hostess?


----------



## C.C. says ...

I didn’t know a souse was a drunk. I couldn’t figure out why you didn’t fix the title to spell spouse correctly. Then I was like ahhhhhhhhhh ok.


----------



## MattMatt

Goingitalone1 said:


> Diana, that is one of the most insensitive remarks I've ever heard. He is abusive. On the other hand, it has not been all bad. I do have a problem going it alone and it's difficult for me, very difficult to do that. Your answer was not helpful or supportive.
> 
> What I need right now is kindness, helpfulness, and support.


Actually, Diana is a very kind, helpful and supportive member of TAM.

And she was being all of those things to you. 

I think you have spent so long trying to live under the shadow of your abusive husband that you are coping, not living.

You should see a lawyer to find out what your legal situation is and seek help for the mental health issues your abusive husband has caused for you.

These resources might be of help to you:-









Help for Domestic Abuse | The Salvation Army USA


The Salvation Army helps save victims from domestic violence.




www.salvationarmyusa.org










Resources by state on violence against women | Office on Women's Health







www.womenshealth.gov













How to Get Out of an Abusive Relationship - HelpGuide.org


Getting out of an abusive relationship isn't easy, but help is available. Learn how to protect yourself while you explore your options.




www.helpguide.org





And please remember, we are here for you.


----------

