# Need help/vent, wife needs time



## MGD06 (Sep 23, 2015)

Hello everyone, I am a brand new member and could really use some help. Sorry in advance for what will probably be a long post. first, some back story. Been married for 3 years now, together for something like 12. We've had our ups and downs but never like this. Sex, or lack there of has been the main reason for our arguements. After one of these arguments she tells me she needs some time to figure things out. After some more heated debates, I'm finally able to pry from her one of the main reasons she needs the time. She is pretty much questioning everything right now. 

This is where things get complicated. We've been trying to get pregnant for 2 years now. She's been pregnant 3 times and miscarried all 3 fairly early on. The latest miscarriage was recent, as in a month and a half ago.

She's questioning whether she wants to keep trying. I was trying to give her the time and space she asked for but I was feeling really insecure and had to ask. "Are you thinking of leaving me?" She told me she didnt know. She's confused about everything. She says she doesnt want to talk to me about it, just wants time. If I keep talking about it, she will want space too. She says there is no one else and I believe her.

Im going through hell, I dont know how long I can wait for her to figure things out. I am not the best about opening up so this forum is pretty much all I have to vent too. Any advice, kind words, any insight would be great. I'm dieing here, need some help


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## MrPack (May 19, 2015)

MGD06 said:


> Hello everyone, I am a brand new member and could really use some help. Sorry in advance for what will probably be a long post. first, some back story. Been married for 3 years now, together for something like 12. We've had our ups and downs but never like this. Sex, or lack there of has been the main reason for our arguements. After one of these arguments she tells me she needs some time to figure things out. After some more heated debates, I'm finally able to pry from her one of the main reasons she needs the time. She is pretty much questioning everything right now.
> 
> This is where things get complicated. We've been trying to get pregnant for 2 years now. She's been pregnant 3 times and miscarried all 3 fairly early on. The latest miscarriage was recent, as in a month and a half ago.
> 
> ...


Are you guys still living in the same house? Has she given you any reason why she needs time apart and is questioning everything aside from the troubles getting pregnant and not knowing if she wants to try anymore?


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

MrPack said:


> Are you guys still living in the same house? Has she given you any reason why she needs time apart and is questioning everything aside from the troubles getting pregnant and not knowing if she wants to try anymore?


IMO she is depressed. Is she willing to go to counseling. She is talking to you and you probably need to keep talking. Mention to her the need to have professional help save your marriage. It is in trouble.

Bibi


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## MGD06 (Sep 23, 2015)

MrPack said:


> Are you guys still living in the same house? Has she given you any reason why she needs time apart and is questioning everything aside from the troubles getting pregnant and not knowing if she wants to try anymore?


We are still living in the same house, I asked if she still wanted me around while she figured things out and she said yes. She hasn't outright said exactly why she said she needed the time, other than the pregnancy problems. I can't push further because she wants her time without talking about it.

I'm not sure she is really considering leaving me, but when I asked, I had hoped for a definite "NO". Instead of her telling me she didn't know. Its not that she doesn't know if she's leaving me, she's not even sure if she's considering it yet.


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## MGD06 (Sep 23, 2015)

Bibi1031 said:


> IMO she is depressed. Is she willing to go to counseling. She is talking to you and you probably need to keep talking. Mention to her the need to have professional help save your marriage. It is in trouble.
> 
> Bibi


She sounds depressed to me too, I doubt she'd go to counseling right now. I'm afraid to talk to her any more about this because she's been adamant that she wants me to leave her alone while dealing with this. If I push more, she will not only want the time, but the space too. I don't want an actual separation. So I dont want to push too much


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

MGD06 said:


> She sounds depressed to me too, I doubt she'd go to counseling right now. I'm afraid to talk to her any more about this because she's been adamant that she wants me to leave her alone while dealing with this. If I push more, she will not only want the time, but the space too. I don't want an actual separation. So I dont want to push too much



I understand. 

((((hugs)))) 

Do you go with her when she sees the doctor? Can you explain your concerns to her doctor? Can you get help through that route?

What about her family? Have they noticed changes in her too? I would start talking to people that care about both of you if this gets worse, you both will have a support system. 

Bibi


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## MGD06 (Sep 23, 2015)

Bibi1031 said:


> I understand.
> 
> ((((hugs))))
> 
> ...


OK, some more back story. I work away from home. I'm gone Monday and home Thursday evening. Because of this, I haven't been to any of the appointments and there aren't any future appointments planned.
She's close with her mom, and I think she has noticed some changes too. I could talk with her about it, and I suppose that might help me, but I don't think my wife has talked to her about this. I've asked my wife if anyone else is aware of what she's been going through. Her response was that if she can't really explain it to me, how is she going to explain it to somebody else.
I'm not a very open person, I bottle a lot up. Being on this forum is a big step for me. It lets me vent what I cant in person. I doubt I'll be talking to her mother about this any time soon.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

That much time away from each other is terrible for a marriage. You can't be present with her when you're gone half the week every week and you certainly can't be a good support system for her. Have you considered a job closer to home?


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## MGD06 (Sep 23, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> That much time away from each other is terrible for a marriage. You can't be present with her when you're gone half the week every week and you certainly can't be a good support system for her. Have you considered a job closer to home?


I know it isn't the ideal situation for me to be gone for that time, but a job change isn't in the cards right now. Single income household, she doesn't work and the wage we need isn't at home.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

MGD - you and your wife need counseling in the worst way. She is grieving three deaths. That's what miscarriages are to her. She is doubting herself, you and her marriage. You need a trained professional to help you.

You need to be the leader here. YOU schedule the counseling. YOU be proactive here. If she doesn't understand herself what can you really do? Thus the absolute need for counseling for both of you to gain clarity.

If she refuses to go, you have a host of problems. You can't fix her. She has to fix herself.

I have told another poster on TAM that you can't stay in limbo long. It will tear you apart emotionally. Be the best man you can be but don't give her space indefinitely.


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## MGD06 (Sep 23, 2015)

Absurdist said:


> MGD - you and your wife need counseling in the worst way. She is grieving three deaths. That's what miscarriages are to her. She is doubting herself, you and her marriage. You need a trained professional to help you.
> 
> You need to be the leader here. YOU schedule the counseling. YOU be proactive here. If she doesn't understand herself what can you really do? Thus the absolute need for counseling for both of you to gain clarity.
> 
> ...


I want to give her a little time to see if that helps, but how long? When is the right time to step in and say, thats enough. If time hasnt helped yet, we need counseling. If i mention counseling right now, I know she will freak and say its only time she wants, and because of me pushing, the space too


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

hon,

we can't help you if you don't want to help yourself. Absurdist is giving you great advice, but you need to conquer those fears.

I'm sorry there is no easy way around your problems. 


Bibi


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## MGD06 (Sep 23, 2015)

I really appreciate everyone's comments. Its just so hard, It's tearing me up inside. I've never felt so defeated before. I don't know if I am over thinking things or not. I'm not sleeping, not eating... I'm a wreck


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## stillhoping01 (Aug 28, 2015)

I agree with some of the others that counseling could be very useful. You could go about it in a way that shows her how much you care about her and her feelings about the miscarriages. I have been through 2 miscarriages and I can tell you that my grief was completely different from my husband's grief. He was sad for me but didn't really feel a personal loss. If my husband had come to me and said "I care so much about you and want to make sure you are ok and grieve properly" I think I would have felt very loved and cared for. Once she has a handle on those feelings, maybe you two can start working on your relationship. Trying to get pregnant can be all consuming. Even though she may want to connect with you through sex, her mind is mostly on getting pregnant. It isn't good or bad, it is just what happens with many women when they are ready to start a family. 
I would guess she still cares very deeply for you but is depressed and confused about her future. 
I think it is awesome that you are reaching out on how to help her and your relationship.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

If she doesn't work, why don't you move to where you need to be for four out of the seven days of the week?


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## MGD06 (Sep 23, 2015)

Starstarfish said:


> If she doesn't work, why don't you move to where you need to be for four out of the seven days of the week?


Neither of us want to move to that location, it would take us both away from our families


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## BBF (May 21, 2015)

I don't think the time away is a big deal. Do you talk? text? skype? email? while you're away? Very low key and non stressful commo to make sure each person knows you love them and care about them. After all, time away at work in itself is "time for her" also. 

Talk to her GP or OBGYN doc, explain the situation and have the doc's office call her for a "follow up" appointment. The doc can then assess for depression, suggest a shrink, or.....


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## MGD06 (Sep 23, 2015)

BBF said:


> I don't think the time away is a big deal. Do you talk? text? skype? email? while you're away? Very low key and non stressful commo to make sure each person knows you love them and care about them. After all, time away at work in itself is "time for her" also.
> 
> Talk to her GP or OBGYN doc, explain the situation and have the doc's office call her for a "follow up" appointment. The doc can then assess for depression, suggest a shrink, or.....


We text daily, every morning when she gets up and every evening after work. It's only monday - wedensday that we don't see each other. I am home Thursday evening and there is always communication between us while I'm away.

Would contacting her fertility doctor be stepping out of line though? Is that something they would do? Assesing her for depression?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MGD06 said:


> Hello everyone, I am a brand new member and could really use some help. Sorry in advance for what will probably be a long post. first, some back story. Been married for 3 years now, together for something like 12. We've had our ups and downs but never like this. Sex, or lack there of has been the main reason for our arguements. After one of these arguments she tells me she needs some time to figure things out. After some more heated debates, I'm finally able to pry from her one of the main reasons she needs the time. She is pretty much questioning everything right now.
> 
> This is where things get complicated. *We've been trying to get pregnant for 2 years now. She's been pregnant 3 times and miscarried all 3 fairly early on. The latest miscarriage was recent, as in a month and a half ago.*
> 
> ...


Hmm. Might be time to see a reproductive immunologist.


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## BBF (May 21, 2015)

MGD06 said:


> We text daily, every morning when she gets up and every evening after work. It's only monday - wedensday that we don't see each other. I am home Thursday evening and there is always communication between us while I'm away.
> 
> Would contacting her fertility doctor be stepping out of line though? Is that something they would do? Assesing her for depression?


I wouldn't hesitate to do that. Did you see the doc together? Together you decided to make a baby together. The loss is yours as well as hers. 

Additionally, I believe the doc should have all of his patient's knowable symptoms/conditions...even those she doesn't self-report. There could be something being manifested by her behavior that will be a clue to the continuing miscarriages--a puzzle piece that allows the doc to see the whole picture.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You're both in your mid 30s?

Why doesn't she work?

Miscarriages are very tough to deal with.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Needs space? You're already gone most of the time as it is!

Have you considered that she has become involved with someone else?


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

MGD06 said:


> I know it isn't the ideal situation for me to be gone for that time, but a job change isn't in the cards right now. Single income household, she doesn't work and the wage we need isn't at home.


can you both move closer to your job?

is there a foreseeable end date for this travel?

are you 100% sure you can't find a closer job, or deal with slightly less pay?


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