# Husband who lives like he's single



## Alfison (Jun 2, 2013)

Where to start? Well, I've been married for almost 8 years and have been with my husband for almost 15. I love him and know he loves me and our 2 1/2 year old son, but I feel like he is taking both me and my son for granted. When we were first married, he was always with buddies or inviting them over. While getting his Masters he was always with groups studying and hanging out. Since my son was born, my husband is either working, playing softball, finding something else to do with friends, or when he's home talking/texting w/work and friends. 
I don't think my husband does not want to be married, I honestly feel like he wants us there when he feels like it and expects us to be there when he comes back from whatever adventure he's been on that day.

Before my son, I was a very active person as well, and was very healthy/in shape. Since, I have almost no time to myself (I work full time as well), and definitely don't get time to exercise like I use to. I try in between mommy stuff (which means really late at night or really early in the morning, but that is rare). My husband helps very little with my son and only helps if it is absolutely necessary-in fact, I had to go away on a trip for work one week, so my husband shipped my son out of state with his mom while I was gone.

What makes things worse is we relocated 2 years ago to help financial burdens and obtaining better jobs, so I am virtually alone. I have almost no friends because it is hard to make friends when you are toting a 2 year old around all the time-I have joined a mommy group, and enjoy every second with my son, but I would like a little time for myself too.

I could go on and on with example of my husband's selfishness but here's a small glimpse-he plays 3 nights a week on a softball league, and on most weekends, he refuses to go home to visit his or my family, he will go out to go fishing, golfing, etc. and won't return for 6, 7, or even 8 hours. He seems to have no reguard for me or my son. I have begged him to help me with having time for me and him having time for his son, but he gives me excuses and I have to fit my stuff into his off times (which is very limited) and it often changes so it never happens.

I have talked to him repeatedly about it and he might change for a minute and help a little or spend a little time at home, then it changes back in a week or so.

I don't know what to do anymore. Am I better off staying with him because I love him and accept the fact that he does not prioritize me or my son, or do I leave and then really become a single mom? I am sad, lonely, and don't know what to do!


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

He needs a wake-up call. I do not know what form that should take but others may have ideas.

There are forms of wake-up call which fall short of an ultimatum. You might want to consider that level of warning.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

From what you describe, he does not seem engaged or committed to the marriage


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

He's self absorbed. Going even further - I bet his father did the very same thing in his marriage. This is what he has learned about life. He can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and he doesn't need to concern himself about you or his son, because you got it.

I don't know if you can wake him up. Have you read His Needs, Her Needs? You should read it together. You need to change the dynamic somehow. I don't know how and I don't know how much it will change. I suspect not a lot and he might brand you with the nagging wife label for wanting him to change.

He has had things his way for so long that now he is used to living that way.

I would challenge him to be a better father. Challenge him to be a better husband. I think he is measuring what it is to be a man by his outside connections. I don't think he is looking to his marriage, and his position as a father for reinforcement of his ego. I think he needs to take more pride in his home life.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

sparkyjim said:


> He's self absorbed. Going even further - I bet his father did the very same thing in his marriage. This is what he has learned about life. He can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and he doesn't need to concern himself about you or his son, because you got it.
> 
> I don't know if you can wake him up. Have you read His Needs, Her Needs? You should read it together. You need to change the dynamic somehow. I don't know how and I don't know how much it will change. I suspect not a lot and he might brand you with the nagging wife label for wanting him to change.
> 
> ...



THIS,

and start the divorce procedure.

He is a sportman in the old meaning of the word. He has a family on the side, like you have a second utility vehicle and a housemaid, a cook and a gardener.

Make very clear that Now is not how your Future will look like. He can chose to be in you new future, or get out quick.

No more Ms Nice Girl here. It has to stop. The problem is that you will have to come to terms it is actually not his fault, but Yours.

You need to learn to stand up for your own needs. It may cost you your current lifestyle, but you should value your emotional well being more than just putting up with the one person marriage. 

You need a marriage with two persons in it, be it him or someone else!

And make sure he gets to understand these things, breng it to him careful but persistent.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Sorry you find yourself in this situation. you must be in a lot of pain.

I would like to tailor what I say to what you have written -- you are in a place with few friends, basically alone. Working and handling the child raising all on your own, and have been together for over 12 years. It's not likely you are in an emotional place to stand up for yourself, yet.

-Would it be fair to say your husband is just doing what he has always done? (now it's harder because you have a toddler)
-do you know what kind of a marriage you want? Specifically, what you expect from him? (write it down on paper?)

Talking does not always work. Words mean nothing. Actions tell the whole story. If you are willing to look at just actions... both yours and his... rethink the status of your marriage. 

-Do his actions meet your requirements for a husband?
If the answer is no, then consider taking action.
If not a husband, what is the true nature of your relationship?


It's no longer just yourself now that you are putting LAST. But until you are able to see that your life and happiness is your most valueable posession... the word "boundaries" will be foreign to you. 

* The most important thing you can do, right now, is make time for yourself. I cannot tell you how important this is. Without your son, or your husband. At least 2 hours a week. 
If you have to get a sitter, then so be it. 

The phrase "If you don't like it, change it" is very personal. Utimately, all you can change is yourself. That doesn't mean you accept the way he is. It means you change your focus. 

A truth in life is that we will accept behaviors that are slightly above what we think of ourselves, or what we feel we deserve. 
You can change that.


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## Jack99 (Nov 21, 2010)

He really needs to get emotionally involved with his family. It's interesting you say you're there for him when he decides he wants you around. It's pretty clear to me that the choice is either between his buddies or his family. Currently, his choice is his buddies, and if doesn't change, I think you would have to leave. 

By going off and becoming a single mom, how much worse off would you be? You're doing all the work anyway. He would probably have to pay child support, which would help out matters.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

what you have is not a loving, committed, respectful, responsible marriage between two people with a kid. you deserve more. your kid deserves more than an absentee father. Your H is selfish. You love him and that's great, but it's not enough. You love the loving caring guy you fell in love with, but he's gone now, replaced with a guy who doesn't want to make the time for his family. It will kill you, but since your words have not worked before, it's ultimatum time, because this isn't what marriage is all about. You probably don't even feel like your married, but a single woman, working hard, raising a kid, cleaning the house, and being used for sex when your husband feels like it.

Demand more for yourself and don't feel like you don't have a case here. Your husband shouldn't be spending more time on softball than with his family. He's letting you know where his priorities are, and they are not you and your son.

Either he shows that he cares by being around, or you are better off without him. Ironically, if you divorce and he gets any custody, he'd be spending more time with his kid then than he does now, even if it's every other weekend.

Let him know that the marriage is in trouble, but you have to mean it. Don't back off this issue. He may get very angry and try to change the subject, and change the focus, or turn it around on you, but that' because he is guilty of neglect and that's what guilty people do - get loud and put on a strong offense. Stay calm and firm and tell him that he doesn't start putting in significantly more time into the family, then you will have no choice but to leave. you love him, but you want more from this marriage.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

So sorry your going through this.Your
husband has all the benefits of being married,
but not all the work that is involved.

He has it made and you also work.
Do you suffer from the nice girl syndrome?

If he risk's loosing you he might change.
Sorry, he seems its about all him and is self absorbed.

Good Luck


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Alfison said:


> I have begged him to help me with having time for me and him having time for his son, but...it never happens.
> 
> I have talked to him repeatedly about it





tryingtobebetter said:


> There are forms of wake-up call which fall short of an ultimatum. You might want to consider that level of warning.





sparkyjim said:


> I would challenge him to be a better father. Challenge him to be a better husband.





IsGirl3 said:


> Let him know that the marriage is in trouble, but you have to mean it. Don't back off this issue....tell him that he doesn't start putting in significantly more time into the family, then you will have no choice but to leave.



Hmmm. Looks there has been a lot of talking. And he still doesn't get it. Then a lot of posters recommend...more talking. Oh, I get it that you mean giving him a FIRM talking to this time. But it's still more talking. How has THAT gone so far?

Here's how you fix this.

You get your child out of the house. You pack a bag. A nice, light symbolic bag that you can carry easily (all of the heavy bags are with your child and your helper). You hand him a nice, detailed letter of everything that you've told him until you were "blue in the face" (letters don't go off script as soon as lips start moving). Then announce that any further communication he has will be via text, or if you REALLY have the balls, your lawyer.

Then you walk out the door.

It doesn't necessarily mean you need to become a single parent. But you can be damned sure he's not going to "get this" until he thinks he's lost everything. He knows what your issues are. He's stubborn and thick, not stupid. Once he thinks he's lost everything, you WILL get his attention.

Then he fights for a long, long time to prove he's different before you will even CONSIDER taking him back. For at least a month he needs to think there is no chance. If you want this to be easy, forget it. 

You need to tear his world apart before you can fix it. The situation is different, but the theory is the same with what happened to me. Once I got that kick in the gut, once my world crumbled,I got it. Loud and clear. And I didn't even have to work at changing. NO WAY was I ever going to be like that man that destroyed his family. Destroyed his life. My DNA changed INSTANTLY. 

My wife never came back. Hopefully it's not too late for you.

No more talking. Time to "do".

Good luck.


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## olwhatsisname (Dec 5, 2012)

do you include yourself with any of his interests? he is growing a life. are you avoiding it.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

I see a few things. 

1.) While it may not seem it to you, he's not just your son. He's the child of both of you. I understand that your husband is distanced form it. But in your original post it's "my", "my" and "my" all through it for the most part. Lets start being a little more inclusive in our own behaviors and try prompting a return on that from your husband.

2.) This is how he was when you married him. 15 years together, 8 married. You didn't see this as how he would be? I'm nit saying I agree with his behavior. I'm saying I understand it. 

3.) Counseling. Start here. You throw an ultimatum and start the divorce process I'd bet he'll be indifferent to it.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

MrK said:


> Hmmm. Looks there has been a lot of talking. And he still doesn't get it. Then a lot of posters recommend...more talking. Oh, I get it that you mean giving him a FIRM talking to this time. But it's still more talking. How has THAT gone so far?
> 
> Here's how you fix this.
> 
> ...


Mr K

I cannot speak for the other posters, but in my case you have taken my words, edited them, put your own interpretation on them and then criticised that. Is that fair practice?

For your information any wake-up call in my mind has to be action that jolts the man out of his current complacency. I only mentioned the possibility that that could fall short of an ultimatum as, given that we are not privy to every single detail of what has passed between the couple, I did not think I should assume that the time had come for an ultimatum if she judged that excessive at this stage. There might be other ways of skinning this particular cat.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

My father was like this. I have to keep myself in check or else I'd be like this as well. My vision of marriage isn't, and never has been, one that entailed me giving away my entire life, and freedom, for the sake of wedlock. I enjoy being free to come, and go, as I please and for the most part I do. So does my wife. We married each other, we didn't sign up to become one another's parents.

But that's also one of the reasons I'm glad we do not have any kids together. Right now both of us enjoy our "single" life freedoms without the burden of children. I sympathize with your husband's need to enjoy LIFE, and still be married, but when a child enters the equation all bets are off. That boy deserves a full time, present father, and you deserve to have adequate help raising HIS son.

I really think you're going to have to sit down with him and lay it all on the table. And make it clear that you will not be a single mother with a marriage license. Let him know, in no uncertain terms, that you are willing to walk over this issue because it is just that major.

And if balance does finally come into the equation? PLEASE enjoy your own new freedoms. I hate to see women stuck in full time "mommy mode", unless that truly fulfills them. It sounds like you're longing to have your own adult time and you absolutely deserve that!


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

OP, I was your son growing up...your husband was very much like my dad. Unfortunately for me, my mother never held him accountable for anything and almost encouraged his behavior. It looks like you have been letting him get away with this for a long time, but at least you have reached out at this point.

Take some of the advice above. If not for you, for your child. You both deserve better than what he's dolling out.


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