# Dating and Recovery



## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

I am new to dating sober. It seems everyone out there needs to be drunk, or at least have a few drinks, before they will "let their hair down".

So far, the most frustrating experience i have had is a woman telling me that I had everything she was looking for in a quality partner:

Good job
Good father
No criminal record (not even speeding thickets)
Responsible
Honest
Loyal

Yet, as soon as I told her I was active in AA, suddenly those qualities weren't enough.

I understand there is a stigma attached to alcoholism, even for a recovering alcoholic. I just don't get the ignorance about it. 

Diabetics take insulin, there are drugs for HIV, hell even people that have had STD's get well and no one bats an eye. Yet a recovering alcoholic working a program and maintaining sobriety is stigmatized.

Did you know the recently appointed "Drug Czar" is a recovering alcoholic with 25 years sober? Gerard Butler the actor has been sober for 15 years and Jamie Lee Curtis is sober as well. Do you have to be a f'n celebrity or a politician for people to give you a chance?

Thus endeth the pity party and begins some 10th step work.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

She may have been concerned that it would mean she would have to give up drinking so you wouldn't feel uncomfortable.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Don't know what to say. It is an added risk, and lends itself to a 'what if...' scenario. I wouldn't stop dating you but I would proceed with *extreme* caution.

Maybe your first dates should be not centered around dining. Maybe hiking, or something else physical? Let them get to know you first. Then, when you do go to a restaurant, just let them know you do not drink. I wouldn't ask why if I were dating in the early stages. I would suggest not using the A word for a bit. 

Would you prefer to be with a woman who doesn't drink as well? Clipclop is probably correct that some women would feel like their freedom to drink(to excess) is curtailed. But then, I would guess you are not interested in a partier...


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Some would be concerned about drinking at all, not just to excess.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

The first and most important issue for me upon learning that my date is a recovering addict would be to question how long you'd been sober. I wouldn't continue dating a man who didn't have at least a few years of firm, consistent, sobriety under his belt. 

Telling a woman that you're "active in AA" may give her the impression that you're new to sobriety, which would be a red flag for many women. As with any relationship-compromising behavior, people want to know that you've conquered your demons and maintained those changes for long enough that there are unlikely to be relapses into the old patterns. Thus, if you've been sober for several years, you may want to lead with that: "I've been sober for X years, but I'm still active in AA."


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

One of the tings that was said was that she was concerned that her, or her family/friends, drinking would be a problem for me. People that drink don't "see" all of the alcohol that is out there.

Movies
TV
Billboards
Beer/wine/drink lists on the table at restaurants
Bars
Concerts
Liquor stores on every corner
Communion at church
Beer vendors at games

There are very few places in America where alcohol is not available, accepted, or even expected.

I am a toddler in sobriety at 20 months. I have taken the steps, and I go to meetings, as well as work with other alcoholics. 

One of the funniest stories I heard in a meeting was from a guy that was a VP of a Fortune 500 company who has since retired. He had to go to NY to a meeting. As they are getting the meeting started, they went around the table to introduce themselves. As a regular attendee of AA meetings, the AA kicked in and he said, "I'm Bob, and I am an alcoholic." He immediately was mortified at what he has just admitted until nearly 1/2 the meeting attendees responded with "Hi, Bob!".

Not discussing alcoholism with coworkers is not a problem. But discussing it with potential partners? Oof!

It is one more reminder to continue to keep working on it.

eta - Bob is not his real name, lol!


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Not being a drinker has certainly had a negative impact on my dating life. Usually when I tell a woman I never drink she responds with "I don't drink a lot", and then she's uncomfortable. I have literally watched the smiles fall off their faces when I say the word never. Alcohol is a huge part of the lives of many people, and frankly I don't fit in with that lifestyle. 

But from the drinkers perspective I can understand their concerns. They sure don't want to be with a problem alcoholic (I haven't had a drink in 31 years). They don't want to end up with some religious fanatic who thinks drinking will send you south of heaven. And they don't want to date a party pooper buzz kill stick in the mud who likes to be home by 9PM. 

Congratulations and good luck on your sobriety, but understand just because you stopped drinking that doesn't mean alcohol won't still have an impact on your life.


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

I say don't give up! Im sure there is a woman out there that will give you a real chance. And kudos for being honest. But I agree, maybe don't say "active in AA".


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Of course it does lol. We live in a society that accepts alcohol and denies cannabis. Sheople everywhere. 

Don't even talk about AA. Just say you quit booze and be proud of it if they ask. You shouldn't be surprised with anybody's reaction when you mention AA. You are under no obligation to tell anybody so don't! 

Order a tonic or Perrier. Order a coke. I quit smoking cigarettes years ago but that doesn't stop me from hanging out with my smoking friends. I know it's not the same, but it was an addiction and now I am no longer an addict...but I had to really convince myself that I hated the stuff to succeed. There will ALWAYS be situations in your life that arise where you could feed the wolf. Cigarettes and booze are everywhere. Just remember you cut off the hand and you won't cave. Maybe you simply need more time before you can comfortably go to the bar again. 

You don't have to drink to have fun but don't be one of those boring critiquing nazi's. No amount of booze makes them fun anyways. 

I've always been a one beer type of guy. Never mind getting drunk. My inner jew kicks in and says $7 a beer is a rip off.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

l know every girl on every date site says she likes a drink with friends.
It's fact , women are actually bigger drunks than guys .
But at the same time , date sites are 80% lala land and in RL , l've known quite a few women that don't drink at all.
Like my ex , she stopped drinking completely yrs ago, not a drop in the end. Some of her friends never drank , my mum never touched a drop .

Maybe if your on date sites just say you don't drink and maybe you'd prefer non drinking women or something.
One of my brothers is a totally non drinker to btw and he was never short of women.
l think you'll be right .


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Movealong-


I was about 6 months sober when I met my wife. She was a definite non drinker...

When going out with other friends/ couples, they seemed to not drink because they thought that I would feel uncomfortable...I always told them it didn't bother me if they drank...it made me feel awkward that they didn't drink because of me

Before my wife and I married, we split up and I found myself on the dating scene again...

I didn't talk about AA that often...The ones I did tell it to seemed to see it as a weakness...I did talk about some of my young and stupid drunk stories... I have some doozies...

FWIW... When I go out to restaurants, most people are drinking water or tea...not alcohol...

I had 17 years of sobriety... It doesn't matter if you have I day, 1 week, 1 year, or 10 years... There is no guarantee anybody will stay sober...My wife never drinks. I think if I would of married a social drinker, I don't think I would of stayed sober for so long..dunno...

Were you a low bottom drunk or a high functioning alcoholic?

I did a background check on myself. My DWI from 23 years ago is still on my record. It will be there forever for any future dates to see if they checked...my only excuse is that I was young and stupid...


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

I was a high functioning alcoholic. No DUI's, jail time, Public Intox, or anything else. Graduated college in 4 years after spending 8 years in the Navy. I am a high C level administrator that has a ton of responsibility, two departments, 20+ staff, and I deal with the government and law enforcement weekly. 

My bottom was realizing that I was drinking more and more as my marriage got worse and worse. In a last ditch attempt to save my marriage I tried to get sober. I failed. I decided I wanted to get sober and stay sober, so I went to AA. I got sober, she didn't know how to deal with it, and we split up. I got sober and stay sober because I want it.

I think that i spoke too soon above. The woman I really like wants to give it a try. She was concerned for me being around her family and friends when they were drinking. My older kids have beer in the refrigerator down stairs, and there is a bottle of rum, too. They have a drink occasionally and it does not bother me. My Mom drinks when we visit, as do my brothers and sisters. None of them have a problem with alcohol. I do, but I don't begrudge them their drinks.

My sobriety is dependent upon my spiritual condition, and believe, me, I keep that at the top of my to do list every day.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

I would agree about not mentioning AA until the relationship has gotten a bit more serious. It's fine to say you're sober/don't drink and leave it at that. I do believe alcoholism is a disease and no one should expect someone to disclose personal medical details at an initial meeting.

The additional benefit is once the person has gotten to know you a bit and has seen actions of your high character, they will be like "Oh he's in AA, that's how he does something really difficult" as opposed to the "Oh my god he's in AA" reaction. 

I think this is just another example of too much information, too soon. I've experienced a lot of men oversharing within the first few weeks of meeting (or hell, the first date!) Sometimes it's just jarring to hear that much detail about someone you don't know very well.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

I'm in AA meetings. Not for alcohol but pornography. It has never affected my dating and not many people see it as a problem as I know some guys that admittedly look at it more than me. But still I didn't like it having a type of power of me. I am not actively dating but if I do I decided I will definitely tell my future partner. I would feel bad hiding a struggle or flaw from somebody like that. I want them to know exactly what they are getting into. If they feel I am not somebody they want to invest in then I'll have to be ok with that.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Also, maybe you should pursue women that don't drink? Since it's no longer something you wish to be around. I don't drink and I prefer women who don't drink.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

FalconKing said:


> I'm in AA meetings. Not for alcohol but pornography. It has never affected my dating and not many people see it as a problem as I know some guys that admittedly look at it more than me. But still I didn't like it having a type of power of me. I am not actively dating but if I do I decided I will definitely tell my future partner. I would feel bad hiding a struggle or flaw from somebody like that. I want them to know exactly what they are getting into. If they feel I am not somebody they want to invest in then I'll have to be ok with that.



You are smart. I think that AA for porn will become much more common in the future.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Fenix said:


> You are smart. I think that AA for porn will become much more common in the future.


There is a 12 step program for everything... Its just a matter of finding... If is isn't there, anybody could start one...


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

movealong-

I do know my wife likes me better when I drink... When I drink, I have blinders and keeps me numb. Sober, I have to deal with issues that I don't want to.


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