# In love with an abusive man



## Shaunee (Oct 10, 2012)

I will try and keep this as simple as possible but its actually quite complicated. Im with a man who i believe is manipulative and selfish. Weve been together for a year now and even though i know i need to, i just cant break away.

He told me a bunch of lies while we were 'friends with benefits' - i fell in love with this witty and what seemed confident and popular guy. His ex found out that he was dating someone else and on a regular basis would call and text me nasty things that he had done to her - i brushed this off hoping that they were all lies and thought she just wanted him back. His past is very messy and i felt sorry for him, sorry that he had no parents around etc...In return he would seem really interested in my life by listening to me and discussing all the neat things i had done before meeting him. Fast forward now, he doesnt have any interest in 'me', when im upset and need a hug he just looks away until im so obviously down and out by the time he does hug me its a cold and obviously forced...When i bring an issue up, for example 'hun, instead of playing your xbox all day why dont we go for a walk?' he'll say 'yep soon' well soon never does come an i get really frustrated then feel bad and feel like im nagginf him. I try and discuss our issues (hes not working, has nothing to do with his kids, has a drinking problem etc) he fobs me off and says that all i want to do is argue. I feel like im going crazy!!! I pay all our bills, keep the house immaculate, look after his needs - even before my own... because i love him but it hurts so bad because i feel as though nothing im doing is enough,its never appreciated.

I have never hit a man or been beaten in my life but im guilty of hitting this one and i feel so bad for it. He frustrates the hell out of me and i just lose it,when ive hit him in the past he cries and eggs me on more saying things like 'go on!!! do it!!! hit me!!!' then i do and he sobs. I instantly feel a lot of guilt because i dont want to hurt him, i want him to stop emotionally abusing me. Weve tried counciling but he never sticks to his words, he tells the councillor this and that then when we get home its back to the same old ****. He plays with my mind and says 'i dont want u anymore' while we're argueing then 10 minutes later he'll say 'oh im sorry, i love you' then expects me to drop it and gets angry at me if i dont. It hurts being told that by him because i love him dearly and show it yet im expected to put up with this? We use to have lots of sex, now he withholds it and says that because i want to argue all the time that hes not in the mood for it. He cheated on his ex multiple times and im scared that will happen to me even though he promises not to, he says im 'the one' and makes jokes about how he wants to change my potty pan etc when im older but then i think if we're gonna work either i have to put up with the **** and shut my mouth or he has to shape up and get the help he needs...Im attractive, strong and independant. He was attracted to this in the beginning (his 3 exs were the same) but now i feel as though having those traits is a threat? Its not until i get to boiling point and state that ive had enough that he begs for me to stay, says we belong together, says he'll change etc its just so darn tiring and hard to deal with.

Gosh im annoyed right now at the thought of him going out clubbing while we're having this break, then lieing to me about it...carrying on with his daily routine while im sitting here rugged up on a couch hurting and writing this blog for support and advice. Have any of you been through something similar? What were your experiences? How do i leave without hurting him too much? How do i stay away if he calls and shows up non-stop professing his love?


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

in this day in age. he might be a good catch. he isnt cheating on you. doesnt appear to do any hard drugs. good portion of people seem to not work anymore, i dont know why but that seems the new norm. And if he pisses you off you know you can slap him around. 
he really could be a good catch

But if you really want to leave him, show him the door. he will latch on to another woman like you and hang around her house and play video games. She might even be happy with him to know he is home doing that instead of screwing other women like her last boyfriend.
People these days, well, the expectations of them have gotten pretty low. A pulse and a brain makes some a worthy candidate.

If you want him to stay away, just keep slapping him but do it harder. Eventually he will either leave and be gone, or get a restraining order on you. Either way he will most likely stop contact. And dont give him money. He will go find a woman that slaps him less hard and gives him money.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you keep doing the same, you should expect the same.

Oh and you "can" break away. You just choose not to.

It doesn't get better with an abuser. It gets worse.

If you already know that he's not treating you right, why do you stay? Do you value yourself so little that you are willing to put up with mistreatment? Where is your dignity?

Good luck with that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Curious--what kind of things did his ex say he did to her? And has he done them to you?


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

I think you sound very bad for eachother and should probably go your seperate ways, but as you have already said that you wont . . . 

Sounds like you have become too dependent on him. If he wont go for a walk with you, go without him. If he doesnt give you the hug you need, go to a girlfriends and get your hug. Perhaps if you get a life of your own, seperate from him, he will realise that he needs to pull his socls up in order to keep YOU interested in HIM.

Hitting is never acceptable. This is 100% in your control. Also, i wouldnt completely discount the possibility that he eggs you on to do it so that he can use it as ammo to make you feel guilty which keeps you compliant.

Again, this is a bad relationship, end it.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Sounds very unhealthy. You've only invested a year. Break away, don't date for at LEAST a year and meanwhile go to individual counseling. You will emerge healthy and ready for a solid adult relationship with mutual respect.

Sorry it's not the answer you want.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

The issue here is that you are using him as a proxy to abuse yourself. The important step does not involve him but involves deciding to treat yourself better. You can start by finding a counselor and deciding that you want to explore that part of you that decided that you could sustain this relationship. Once you start building trust in yourself, you should be able to move on to healthier relationships. It is an adventure and sure it is risky and scary, but it might be healthier than your current day to day. The worst that can happen is failure. In which case you can continue punishing yourself for that with your current relationship,it's unlikely he'll leave you until you stop paying bills, but then he would probably try to impregnate you to keep you around, so be leery of that if you start making changes, protect yourself from the 18 year entrapment scenario.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Let's see, he ignores you, mocks you, disregards your feelings and opinions and with holds sex to punish you. He's completely content to let you support him and presumably his kids (if you're paying his child support as well).

When he's backed into a corner he does the bare minimum to suck you back in and then goes right back to treating you like a second-, third-, fourth-class citizen in you're own home.

How exactly would you be "hurting him too much" by kicking him out given that he has so little care for you? I'm guessing the free ride, control of you and available sex is probably a more important consideration to him than any deep and abiding love.

I think I'd move on and just focus your energy on feeling badly for his next victim....


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Shaunee said:


> playing your xbox all day ..........I try and discuss *our* issues (hes not working, has nothing to do with his kids, has a drinking problem etc) ........emotionally abusing me. He plays with my mind and says 'i dont want u anymore'. He cheated on his ex multiple times
> 
> Gosh im annoyed right now at the thought of him going out clubbing while we're having this break, then lieing to me about it...


WOW......just...............WOW :slap: He sounds delightful and such a catch!

:nono:

You need to find your self esteem, find that *strong* woman you claim to be, and RUN far away from this man. He is bringing you down, and living like a sponge off YOU! Why in the world do you want to keep supporting him?

You CAN do this. Change your phone number, change the locks, move, whatever it takes...........get away from him.

He needs to work on HIS issues..................they are not yours, or "ours".....they are HIS!


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

bribrius said:


> in this day in age. *he might be a good catch. he isnt cheating on you. doesnt appear to do any hard drugs. good portion of people seem to not work anymore, i dont know why but that seems the new norm. And if he pisses you off you know you can slap him around.
> he really could be a good catch*
> 
> But if you really want to leave him, show him the door. he will latch on to another woman like you and hang around her house and play video games. She might even be happy with him to know he is home doing that instead of screwing other women like her last boyfriend.
> ...




Huh?  :scratchhead:


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## Shaunee (Oct 10, 2012)

It was terribly diffucult to get to sleep last night. He doesnt have a phone but purchased a phone card, called me once and said 'hi my darling' as if nothing ever happened-i hung up went outside a wept.We're use to being in eachother company all the time and truely have become co-dependant so its going to be hard. I believe ill suffer the most with this break up??? Emotionally i know ill be a mess and i must state that it is seriously reassureing being told that i should leave by complete strangers, my friends and family say the same thing but it can be hard to hear and i guess thats why ive looked to this website for advice.

Jellybeans - she said that he use to leave her at home caring for the kids all the time and go off drinking - he has left me a couple of times early on in the relationship but has stopped. She said he use to steal from her but he hasnt stolen from me instead he has helped wrack up credit card debt in my name and hasnt helped to pay that off, gosh i feel stupid. She has said that he use to beat her and even threw her mother accross the room once, he has never punched me but get this...We have had the Police involved a good 10 times this year but neither of us has been charged with anything. He was on probation for other issues and i went to court and gave a statement saying that i love him and that he has never hurt me. He got off scott free. 3 days later hes shoving his hands down my throat and telling me to piss off and cry myself to sleep because i couldnt let go of a few nasty things he had said to me - i couldnt believe it. 

It is an unhealthy relationship, i suppose i really just have to be strong go and get all of my stuff and move on.


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## Samayouchan (Jun 1, 2012)

i have never read such a post to where the couple needs to get away from each other so badly! KICK HIM OUT and let him fend for himself girl! Take back that power he has. 
I do know what its like to love some one so deep to the core it pains you to be away from them. My first marriage ended with finding out my husband cheated on me, and it was like someone ripping my heart out. 
You need to know from one lady that knows what you are feeling to another, that things HAPPEN for a reason and some times you got to be that stronger woman than you think you are. Kick his @$$ out of your house make him want to treat you with some respect! He sounds just so immature for you. You deserve better.


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## Shaunee (Oct 10, 2012)

He called me today from a private number and said that he wanted his eftpos card back. I couldnt talk to him, i felt numb. So he came over and demanded it. I gave it to my brother who gave it to him and he told him to leave, he wouldnt back down without an arguement. He began to cry and said that its not his fault and that i hurt him etc...i just wanted to go over and hug him but my bro kept me from caving in and dealt with his moans until he left. I feel sad that its come to this. And im getting a Police officers assistance tomorrow to be present while i pack up all my gear and leave.

He had the cheek on the phone to say to me 'oh, *** i dont want anymore trouble, i just want us to be happy' i told him it was over...he just cant comprehend that part and i bet right about now is out there screwing around like his ex told me he would aaages ago...this is the hardest thing ive had to do in my life


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## Shaunee (Oct 10, 2012)

Thank you all for the beautiful support and wise words


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Shaunee, you're certainly abusing *him* and have a lot of compatibility and control issues. If you really want to leave, you just do it. When the tears come, you repeat "this is the best choice for both of us" until you lose your voice. When he texts and calls and keeps pursuing after you tell him directly not to, you call the police and file harassment charges.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sounds like you are involved with an alcoholic. How 'bout you ask him to make a choice between you and the booze? Wanna guess which will win?

I'm interested - seriously - as to why you are sticking with this man. You are thankful for the advice. Why? 

So, did you come here to vent, get the strength to leave, or to find out if you have options?

Honestly, what is keeping you stuck? And I'm not the least bit interested in Mr. Charming. I know enough about him.

So why are you glommed onto this narcisstic possible-alcoholic? What do you think is wrong with YOU?


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## Shaunee (Oct 10, 2012)

Interesting...I came on here to vent plus i need verification that leaving him is the right choice. Ive asked him to stop drinking and while discussing this hes told me he will (we've also attended A.A together) but come pay day and while everything between us is good, he'll go out a buy a box then its back to hell again.

I believe that at this stage in my life im attracted to men who are needy and have had hard lives. My happiness has become dependant on him and being away from him for 3 days now has helped me take a step back and see it all from a distance which has been great.

Whats keeping me stuck is holding onto the hope that he'll change like he says he will but im now realising that it won't happen and that the back and forth abuse will only get worse. He has also helped wrack up a good $10,000 worth of debt while we've been together which is also in my name so in a way i feel like he owes me.

Im guilty of hitting him and i have never hit a man or been hit by a man in my life - i am going insane! It takes a lot of strength to leave someone that you have shared many good memories with, a man that youve pictured being with you forever and someone you have confided in etc.

My father was a Policeman for many years and my mother put up with a lot of physical and mental abuse from him, he also cheated on her and had 3 kids during their relationship - her parents passed away when she was a little girl so she didnt have them to go too in times of need. They have known eachother for 31 years now and she still continues to allow him to stay at the family home, call when ever he needs support etc.So this is what ive grown up around and i remember thinking a few years ago that i didnt want to be treated like my mother. So i want to make an exit. 

Ive been told that i havent experienced true love yet (im in my 2nd relationship, 1st one lasted for 6 years and he was another sad story plus very controling) and it took a lot of courage to leave that one...this one seems harder??? He has a 'treat her mean keep her keen' kind of attitude. 

I know i need to rise above all this and believe that im worth more.


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## jane1213 (Aug 10, 2012)

i think u have to work on you first. Go to counseling and explore why are you acting this way . what purposes is he serving in your life? u r keeping him because he serves a purposes. It could be due to low self esteem. I am 25 , good looking and professional woman. I have many things going for me but i still get stuck in relationships and find it really hard to break away.

Now i hate men. Not hate in the true sense but i don't feel like being around a man anymore and i am ( not so seriously) considering turning into a gay lol


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I just want to say that if a man came on here complaining about emotional abuse suffered from his wife then went on to say that he hits her and makes her cry you guys would destroy him.

OP - either stop hitting your man or leave the relationship.

EDIT: okay KathyBatesel did call her out on it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Shaunee said:


> Jellybeans - she said that he use to leave her at home caring for the kids all the time and go off drinking - he has left me a couple of times early on in the relationship but has stopped. She said he use to steal from her but he hasnt stolen from me instead he has helped wrack up credit card debt in my name and hasnt helped to pay that off, gosh i feel stupid. She has said that he use to beat her and even threw her mother accross the room once, he has never punched me but get this...*We have had the Police involved a good 10 times this year* but neither of us has been charged with anything. He *was on probation for other issues *and i went to court and gave a statement saying that i love him and that he has never hurt me. He got off scott free. *3 days later hes shoving his hands down my throat and telling me to piss off *and cry myself to sleep because i couldnt let go of a few nasty things he had said to me - i couldnt believe it.


I asked what his ex said because "past behavior" is usually indictaive of future behavior. So most of what she said went down in their relationship, has happened in your relationship.

What was he on probation for?



Shaunee said:


> *Whats keeping me stuck is holding onto the hope that he'll change *like he says he will but im now realising that it won't happen and that the back and forth abuse will only get worse. *He has also helped wrack up a good $10,000 worth of debt while we've been together which is also in my name *so in a way i feel like he owes me.
> 
> 1st one lasted for 6 years and he was another sad story plus very controling) and it took a lot of courage to leave that one...*this one seems harder??? He has a 'treat her mean keep her keen' kind of attitude. *
> 
> I know i need to rise above all this and believe that im worth more.


Hope doesn't mean anything. Peoples' acteions ARE who they are. And what you see is what you get with an abuser.

We can all tell you to leave him, t hat you are worth more, that you deserve better, to get into therapy/counselling, read books to find out WHY you are attracted to losers/abusers/mean who take & don't give--but at the end fo the day it means nothing unless you actually take a step forward. 

Why would you want to be with someone who has a treat her mean, keep her keen" kind of attitude? 

The mind boggles.

When you've had enough, you'll leave. Hopefully it won't be before he racks up more of your debt, puts you in the emergency room or kills you. 

The choice is yours. 

Good luck.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Shaunee said:


> My happiness has become dependant on him


Uggghhhh I hate reading that. *YOUR happiness should come from within YOU.* Not him; nor anyone else.

Spend time with yourself. Quality time. Write in a journal, or use TAM as your journal - others do. I believe it helps. Get it all out. Buy or pick some flowers to keep on your table. Keep happy thoughts at the forefront of your mind. Take walks or hikes with a friend. Get a rescue dog; they make great companions and will bring a smile to your face everyday. In other words, do things that will make you happy!

Most importantly, stay away from that man....and anyone like him. Lean on your friends and family; spend time with them. Go do fun things. Live your life.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Shaunee said:


> He has also helped wrack up a good $10,000 worth of debt while we've been together which is also in my name so in a way i feel like he owes me.


$10K  :wtf: What kinds of things did he buy? Anything you can sell? He may not have "stole" money from you, but he did use you for his personal ATM. Does he owe you? Probably. Will you ever get it back from him? Nope.

Sorry, but this one is on you. The debt is in your name. Hopefully, there are some things you can sell to help towards the debt.

And HOPEFULLY you've learned a BIG lesson here! Let no man use you as an ATM or a bank! :nono:


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Shaunee said:


> I know i need to rise above all this and believe that *im worth more*.


YES!! You are!! :smthumbup:

Keep saying that over and over to yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror every day and say that to yourself. Eventually you'll believe yourself, and no one can take that away from you!


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Once you both think more of yourselves and that you deserve better, you will be able to walk away from each other, but not till then.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> Once you both think more of yourselves and that you deserve better, you will be able to walk away from each other, but not till then.


I don't believe this at all. I think deep down, the OP is ready to walk away; she needs a "push" (not a violent push from him), but from those around her, and us.....if only she'll listen to the advice and actually run with it! 

He doesn't seem like the type to think anything of himself, much less anyone else around him!


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

southern wife said:


> I don't believe this at all. I think deep down, the OP is ready to walk away; she needs a "push" (not a violent push from him), but from those around her, and us.....if only she'll listen to the advice and actually run with it!
> 
> He doesn't seem like the type to think anything of himself, much less anyone else around him!


Thats cool, you can believe what you like. Jut like I can.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Shaunee, if you feel like your happiness is dependent on him, I'd encourage you to start going to Al Anon and dealing with your own anger issues and boundaries. That's the place where you'll find the experience, strength, and hope that you need to be happy no matter what he does, and learn to react in a way that's not destructive.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Sounds toxic for both involved. I would separate and get yourself into some IC. You can't help him, but you can work on you.


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## Shaunee (Oct 10, 2012)

Wow, lots of words of wisdom and great advice, such a nice way to take up this morning. Im not walking on eggshells, usually ide be up making him breakfast, rolling him cigarettes and trying to comprehend what went on last night because we argue so dam much!

He had a protection order placed on him (for hitting his ex) thats why he was on probation + he has many convictions for drink driving, wilful damage, breach of this and that, burglary etc.

Ive been told (by this womans programme that i was attending) that woman hit out of frustration and fear... Im not trying to make excuses im just trying to understand why ive hurt him.

I read a great article last night and im convinced that hes a nacassist!!! Narcissism - Understanding Narcissism & Abusive Relationships : Melanie Tonia Evans He has learnt how to block out how i may be feeling because he has built this selfish wall around himself, its as if i see him in this completely different light now. Hes never wrong, never sorry and always blames things on others.He always wants to be the centre of attention even if that means putting down others, telling lies and doing devious things.

It really pisses me off though cos i feel used and abused, taken for a free ride and now "I" have to go and get help cos "IM" down and out and "I" have to pay off this debt.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Are you still with him?


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## Shaunee (Oct 10, 2012)

No but i have to go and collect all my stuff which is 90% of whats in the house. We were planning to go and get it all today so hopefully the rain stops


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## hehasmyheart (Mar 11, 2010)

Hmmm..sounds similar to my life, except I've been in my marriage for 17 years, and have almost completely lost myself. My husband does work, but is so selfish that he's racked up $40,000. credit debt for his electronics/vehicles/cameras/phones, etc and we're on the brink of bankruptcy. None of those behaviors change.

He's also mentally abusive. I've become a recluse, I don't feel good enough about myself to be seen or be around people.

Get out while you can! He's a parasite.


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## Shaunee (Oct 10, 2012)

The weather didnt improve so i couldnt go and get my stuff. Instead, he turned up last night wanting a cigarette so i gave him 1 and then he asked me when i was coming home etc...i told him ive had enough of being treated like **** and he said 'all your stuff is bolted to the house so you cant take it haha' we both laughed then from there on we talked for a good hour. I am still so confused! I love and miss him dearly and wish we would just work!what does a guy like him think and feel when they are going through issues like this with their partner? He seemed to be coping better than me...


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Shaunee said:


> The weather didnt improve so i couldnt go and get my stuff. Instead, he turned up last night wanting a cigarette so i gave him 1 and then he asked me when i was coming home etc...i told him ive had enough of being treated like **** and he said 'all your stuff is bolted to the house so you cant take it haha' we both laughed then from there on we talked for a good hour. I am still so confused! I love and miss him dearly and wish we would just work!what does a guy like him think and feel when they are going through issues like this with their partner? He seemed to be coping better than me...


Was he being serious about your stuff being bolted up in the house? Sorry I don't find this a laughing matter. Not sure why you even laughed it off with him. If he is serious about your stuff being bolted up, then its time to get the police involved so they can escort you in to get your things.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Shaunee said:


> he hasnt stolen from me instead he has helped wrack up credit card debt in my name and hasnt helped to pay that off


Uh...stealing?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

This thread is a good case study for the difference in ethics and loyalty between men and women...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Shaunee said:


> The weather didnt improve so i couldnt go and get my stuff. Instead, he turned up last night wanting a cigarette so i gave him 1 and then he asked me when i was coming home etc...i told him ive had enough of being treated like **** and he said 'all your stuff is bolted to the house so you cant take it haha' we both laughed then from there on we talked for a good hour. I am still so confused! I love and miss him dearly and wish we would just work!what does a guy like him think and feel when they are going through issues like this with their partner? He seemed to be coping better than me...


 YOU ARE A GAME TO HIM.

Got it?

Abusers put on an AMAZING FACE to a woman to get her to trust him - until he knows he has her and then he can start being his a-hole self again.

Right now, you 'threatening' to leave him? He's back in game mode. Calm, cool, collected, flattering, saying the right things.

Ask a family member to come with you to get your stuff. He won't charm THEM.


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## Shaunee (Oct 10, 2012)

Na hes not serious about my property being bolted to the house, i know that hes joking...One of my cats walked past and i told him how shes in season and attracting all the tom cats (shes getting fixed in a few days) and he said 'have there been any tom cats coming around this kitty?' he has a wicked sense of humour, he knows how to make me laugh...a funny way of showing his admiration? My family are dissapointed in me and worried. Im going back to him for 1 last chance and then thats it - ill have to move out of town i think to stay away.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're moving back in?


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