# Success story after EA?



## couponmom (Jul 1, 2012)

Can anyone share a success story or positive strategy that worked out after EA? I do not want a divorce, to dump the guy, to get a lawyer, to bash the guy, to spy on him, to hire a PI, etc.

I want to get help and I want it to work out. I believe we both need counseling. I think he has an emotional problem and is in denial and won't admit there is a problem.

I have the evidence, I have not confronted him yet with it. I don't want to be overly emotional when I talk to him. I know there is no PA involved. Yes, I know for sure. His time is all accounted for, yes I am sure.

I don't want to be bitter about it- I just want a realistic solution or strategy to help save/improve our marriage.

So, anyone have it work out and what did you do? Again please no suggestions to monitor his phone or his computer- I have all his passwords, all the bills, and I know all the online activity.

Would love to hear from both sides of the story.

TYIA couponmom


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Do you want to hear about ending all contact with the other woman and writing a no contact letter?


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

What do you mean when you say he has an emotional problem?

You will have to confront him at some stage. Don't jump to any conclusions until you see his reaction. Wait and see what he says. 

If you've read some threads here, you'll be able to decode the real meaning of what he tells you.


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## couponmom (Jul 1, 2012)

I want to hear from someone who went thru an EA (from either side) and how you survived with your marriage still intact

(without any bashing)

what steps did you take after discovering email, text, or FB evidence

or what happened after you confronted or were confronted

and what steps did you take next that were successful in saving your marriage/re-establishing your relationship

by emotional problem- I mean he has the need to contact (email, FB) women he knows with marriage problems- and to be the sympathetic shoulder to cry on- so he is all emotional played out and has nothing left to give to me

and he doesn't think there is anything wrong with sharing personal stuff about our marriage with these women


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

couponmom said:


> I want to hear from someone who went thru an EA (from either side) and how you survived with your marriage still intact
> 
> (without any bashing)
> 
> ...


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## couponmom (Jul 1, 2012)

ok, so did you survive with your marriage intact and how did you do this?

everyone sounds so bitter/angry

yeah I think he is wrong and he is being a jerk, I was mad, in shock, despondant, etc. now I want to do something productive

I think I'm signing off :sleeping:


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

The thing is, unless he is willing to actually put in the work, to end the communication, you CAN'T get past it. This is what NiO was saying. Yes, we got thru ours (my husband and I each had EAs), on both sides, and we are still intact. The problem, tho, is that I still get jumpy when he gets a text. I don't check up on him as much, but in the first few weeks/month, I was checking nearly everyday. He NEEDS to go NO CONTACT with these women. There is no way you can work on your marriage as long as these other women are a part of it. 

Honestly, there isn't much YOU can do... not until HE is willing to work. The people here are so bitter because they were lied to for so long and many are still reeling from the betrayal. But, the worst thing you can do is rug sweeping. If you do that, then it gives him the message that you are ok with it and he will continue it. So, as I said... you need him to actually get rid of these women if you want to fix your marriage. It won't work otherwise.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

couponmom said:


> ok, so did you survive with your marriage intact and how did you do this?
> 
> *everyone sounds so bitter/angry*
> 
> ...


We are bitter and angry.... 
How long was his EA? Was it with coworker or? 
You have not confronted yet? But want to be productive?

Maybe I shouldn't be posting on this thread since I didn't have success in R...


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> We are bitter and angry....
> How long was his EA? Was it with coworker or?
> You have not confronted yet? But want to be productive?
> 
> Maybe I shouldn't be posting on this thread since I didn't have success in R...


Her original post:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/50061-facebook-what-do-you-think.html

And follow-up:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/50127-where-do-i-go-here.html

Couponmom, I only linked them to make it easier for others to see what your background info is.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

couponmom said:


> ok, so did you survive with your marriage intact and how did you do this?
> 
> everyone sounds so bitter/angry
> 
> ...


Affairs that tear marriages apart tend to have this effect.

I had an EA about 15 years ago. My wife and I have now been married 35 years. Our marriage right now is better than ever.

Essentially though my wife was firm and challenged my EA. I thought she was wrong but listened to her because I loved her. Turned out she was right. I did not realize this until AFTER I went through withdrawal. I went total NC including changing jobs.

We then did His Needs Her Needs together. This was great help.

Basically there are three keys here. 

1) You must be firm and tell him that what he is doing is unacceptable. 

2) He needs to comply and go total NC. 

3) You both need to be willing to work through this.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Couponmom, do you have the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass? It will give you some insight into EAs.

I am happily reconciled and recommited with my H after his long-term EA.

However, your H qualifies as a serial cheater (serial EAs). He needs counseling to overcome this. He doesn't see anything wrong with what he does; that is typical of compulsives. He will have to endure consequences like all compulsives before he will realize he must end it. There is NO shortcut around this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I think you said in another thread you are christians; what does your minister say about his behavior?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LittleMiss13 (Mar 7, 2012)

Dear Couponmom,

My husband had an affair with a woman that he met on a talk forum. She wanted to see our new puppy so he invited her over after making sure that none of us were going to be home. To their surprise, my son came home early from school and caught them in our family room in their birthday suits. After my husband left for work that night, my son was the one to tell me of my husband's betrayal. I can't explain how devasted and hurt I was and couldn't believe that he could do this to our family (we have three children) or commit adultery in our home. After a heated discussion the next day, he was given the choice to leave if he was unhappy or to stay and try to save our marriage. He made the choice of staying. Without saying a word, he sent his lady friend an email stating that he could never talk, see, or touch her again; I was given a copy of the email to read. He also let our son read the email. He also cancelled his talk forum membership. She made contact with him numerous times after his no contact email and I was informed about them each time. Since this time, he has basically treated me like gold. He truly understands what he did and how much it hurt our family. I'm not going to tell you that it has been easy (2 1/2 years since discovery) because it has not. My heart still aches although it does not ache as often. Yes, I still cry at times. I'm actually crying as I'm typing this because it brings back the pain. I no longer wear my wedding ring nor do I celebrate our wedding anniversary as his vows to me on our wedding day were not honored. We never went to counseling although I sought advice from a friend who has counseling background. I can actually say that our marriage is at a pretty good place although I still have trust issues; he has done nothing in the past 2 1/2 years to make me doubt him. We both put more effort into our marriage and spend more time together as a couple - I truly believe this is an important key to making our reconciliation work. Although I still feel like I am on a roller coaster ride from his affair, I must admit that the ride is starting to slow down. I wish you the very best and please remember to never take ownership of his affair. You did not do this to your marriage; your husband did! I guess you could say that we are working on a successfull reconciliation; we have been legally married for 26 years.

I need to clarify that my husband's affair started off with him helping her with family problems: her daughter tried to commit suicide and marital problems with her husband (supposedly they hadn't had sex in 4 years). He was her "angel" that was sent to help her. _ Please remember that allot of affairs start out with both parties being just friends._


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