# Text messages.. am I crazy??



## golfgirl (Nov 8, 2010)

Recently,I learned my husband sends and receives text messages to and from his male friends of naked women ( nude with a dog collar in a cage with the message "Wish this was my wife!") He also has several porn videos he sends and receives. Am I wrong to feel sick about this? He says it's no big deal; guys do this all the time. He told me if I weren't so insecure and jealous I would not have a problem with it. Any thoughts?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

My husband sends and receives all sorts of stuff, from sexual to sexual humor to disgusting stuff with a couple of his friends. As long as they don't send them to me, I am a ok!

Seriously, how does it harm you? The tighter you try to hold on to him, the more he will resent you.


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## golfgirl (Nov 8, 2010)

I guess it bugs me because he sends messages about how hot the women are and I used to be, but am not anymore.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Guys like to look at naked women. It doesn't mean that he doesn't think you're hot.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

He sends messages to his friends that you are not hot? Have you "let yourself go" as they say? If so, one thing that may help your self esteem is to bring yourself back.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

golfgirl said:


> I guess it bugs me because he sends messages about *how hot the women are and I used to be, but am not anymore*.


Knowing this... and saying this are too different things.

A loving husband should have a better filter than this. My wife's body isn't as hot at it used to be either. But i met her at 21, and she's birthed 3 of my babies. I wouldn't be cruel enough to tell her that. Plus under the circumstances, she still looks pretty damn good, and it doesn't stop me from seeking "relations" about 3 times a week. 

Anyway. The sending and recieving of photos is no big deal, guys do it, the comments arent' cool though.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I would be bugged by it because it's offensive. Whether you're "hot" or not, insecure about yourself or not, whatever, a woman in a dog collar and a cage?? <--dehumanizing. 
"Wish this was my wife"?? <--disrespectful to you, no matter what you look like.
Yes, men are visual and like to look at hot bodies. 
But going out of his way to send pictures that liken women to caged animals, and making a comment about you, is a little different than *looking* at a hot woman.
Don't believe that your discomfort is just about "your insecurities," or that it's just "about you." 
Pictures like that send messages, and the message sends a message.
So you don't look like an air-brushed supermodel? And he has a problem with this? That's HIS problem. And he's dealing with it in an offensive way.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Rob774 said:


> Knowing this... and saying this are too different things.


Well he called her insecure... so I am wondering if she is FEELING it but him not saying it.


> A loving husband should have a better filter than this. My wife's body isn't as hot at it used to be either. But i met her at 21, and she's birthed 3 of my babies. I wouldn't be cruel enough to tell her that. Plus under the circumstances, she still looks pretty damn good, and it doesn't stop me from seeking "relations" about 3 times a week.
> 
> Anyway. The sending and recieving of photos is no big deal, guys do it, the comments arent' cool though.


I agree with Rob. That happens a lot.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Seriously, how does it harm you?


I think the comment "Wish this was my wife!" is harmful because he's representing to his friends that he's not satisfied with his wife. Go ahead, look at porn, but why bring your wife into it by comparing and insulting her?


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I think the comment "Wish this was my wife!" is harmful because he's representing to his friends that he's not satisfied with his wife. Go ahead, look at porn, but why bring your wife into it by comparing and insulting her?


See, alot of that is tongue and cheek. I have a favorite adult model and she is stacked beyond belief, ( 36DD-26-40). Guess what, i wish that was my wife! But none in the terms of what you are thinking. Its a guy thing, and we are driven by sight. We don't stop being men once we get married. I just think he's using poor chooses in his words.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I think the comment "Wish this was my wife!" is harmful because he's representing to his friends that he's not satisfied with his wife. Go ahead, look at porn, but why bring your wife into it by comparing and insulting her?


I see movies with Russell Crow in them and say "I wish that were my husband!" Actually I just want to borrow him for an evening!

I guess the OP has a choice. Make a big deal out of something and bother over disrespect and whatnot, building a wall over what is basically nothing. Or grow thicker skin and stronger self esteem. I think the latter will deliver her more dividends in the end.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

golfgirl said:


> Recently,I learned my husband sends and receives text messages to and from his male friends of naked women ( nude with a dog collar in a cage with the message "Wish this was my wife!") He also has several porn videos he sends and receives. Am I wrong to feel sick about this? He says it's no big deal; guys do this all the time. He told me if I weren't so insecure and jealous I would not have a problem with it. Any thoughts?


I do not think this is normal behavior from EVERY guy at all, but I do know some guys at my hubby's work place do these kinds of things and hide it from their wives -because they would immediately be put in the dogbox, and these are faithful men. Just a little sick & hornier than their wives would ever understand.


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## NickCampbell (Oct 18, 2010)

I'm a guy and I don't do that, or feel the need to. Something about bringing other guys into a shared porn experience is kinda...gay. 

So nope, we're not all like that, you just married one who is. I agree with vt, you need to thicken your skin and build up your self esteem. Save the battles for something bigger.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

We had a friend who would send us the most disgusting and unusual sexual materials. None of us requested this from him but he just sent them out of fun. And yes, we still watched the clips he sent, even if it was sick or disturbing. It's that accident on the freeway that you just gotta turn and look at.

Now if he was looking those things up and downloading that kind of material then there might be a problem.

And I always try to show my wife what he sent but she always refuses because she knows what type of person that one friend is.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I wouldn't put up with it. It would gross me the heck out. I really don't care if he likes hot bods he doesn't have to do this openly with his friends and disrespect me. Yuck.

I don't think her reaction is necessarily out of insecurity either.


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## CaptainMyCaptain (Sep 19, 2010)

I am a man, and a very sexual man at that. I would never exchange pics of naked women with friends. And I certainly would not comment on how hot they are and how my wife is not so hot. However, this is my second marriage and my wife is hot! Perhaps that has something to do with it. I might have done something like that with the first wife, but not with this one. Big difference in the person I am, and the one I used to be. 
I think it is very disrespectful of him to do this to you. IMO.


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## mattphx (Oct 26, 2010)

To me it is just childish. I had old buddies of man sending stuff like that for a while and finally just had to tell them to stop. don't get me wrong i love naked women but that's just trashy.


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## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

I could have written that same message. My husband could have written the response that Rob 774 wrote. I think this same situation plays out for many, many couples and I do not think that every time a woman finds this bothersome that it is because she is insecure. That is just a way for a man to deflect the issue back to the wife. I know of many confident, secure women who find this offensive but their husbands also say they are insecure. I think the men just don't want to discuss the issue. Why is it that with porn men always want to say "it's normal," "all guys do it," "it means nothing," or my personal favorite, "you are just insecure." How about a real dialogue about why he does it and why it bothers her? Maybe they would come away with a better understanding of each other and maybe even a compromise or agreement. It just seems men always want to avoid any discussion of the issue by blaming the wife or just saying it's normal. I agree you need to pick your battles, but personally I would just like to discuss the subject with my husband, why does this always have to become a "battle"?


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## manny1 (Nov 9, 2010)

What you aren't getting is respect and a man that cares about you and your feelings. If I were you I would start getting photos of naked men and magazines with hot naked men and verbally carry on in front of him how hot these guys are. Then see how insecure and jealous he is.:smthumbup:


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## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

I thought of doing what Manny1 suggested, but think I would be pretty bad at convincing my husband as it just wouldn't interes tme that much. One time in an effort to understand him better and share I asked if I could watch a porn movie with him. He immediately got quiet and seemed pretty embarassed and said I probably wouldn't like it as they are geared toward men. I asked if he could find something that may not be totally geared toward men and he wasn't interested at all. I was really trying to share and understand him and his complete shut down really made me sad. I felt I was making an honest effort to share this with him and not be judgmental and it seemed he would rather just watch it alone, I assumed so he could masterbate. It felt totally lonely.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Husband better be careful what friend he tells "his wife isn't hot" his friend may think wife is and come sniffin around.

I would by a dog collar and snap it right on hubby. If he objects, say, "oh I thought you liked this kind of hotness."


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## savevsdeath (Nov 9, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I would be bugged by it because it's offensive. Whether you're "hot" or not, insecure about yourself or not, whatever, a woman in a dog collar and a cage?? <--dehumanizing.


Thats not dehumanizing. Thats a fetish, and theres a whole subculture that loves the very thing; i have known married couples that enjoyed this very thing and they were a very normal and happy couple. So thats your personal bias; don't try to make it universal.

As for the original post, i wouldn't make a big deal about some naked pics, but the commenting to his friends about you not being as hot as these women is very uncool.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I don't think its insecurity. In fact, I hate that accusation because I personally have only had it thrown out at me when Hubs doesn't want to accept or acknowledge something he's done was hurtful and inconsiderate.

I don't mind porn, and i have twisted little fettishes, but a picture like that with a caption of "wish this was my wife" is hurtful. the picture is one thing, maybe a "wow, she's hot" or something like that, but the caption added to the picture is degrading. 

I could try all I wanted to be "secure" and improve my self esteem myself, what good does that do if the one man who is supposed to find me most attractive, doesn't? Not that he should think other woman aren't attractive, however, a real husband should not talk down about his wife like that, especially to his buddies.

Thats like my husband walking into work and telling my coworkers he wishes he could just get a divorce and go back to dating because he got laid more. (which happened, and is an entirely different long drawn out dramatic story) its not fair, its insultive, and counter productive to a healthy marriage.

its not insecure to feel hurt when your husband outwardly expresses to people he wishes you were someone else, it should be normal.


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

I actually have the same problem!!! I've gained 20 lbs after having 2 of his kids. Was a complete bombshell....38 24 36. I have MS and can't exercise the way I used to (5 miles every other day) but still eat healthy and walk about a mile everyday. He too is obsessed with porn and making obnoxious comments about women. He has finally admitted that he doesn't feel as sexually attracted to me as he use to. And I have to tell you I don't think you are crazy at all....it's rude, arrogant, and down right disrespectful to you for him to say anything like that!!!! (I do however, have to agree that it is just male nature to enjoy porn...Something in their genes!!!!) ;P All I have to say is tell him how you feel and that it hurts you....And just see how it goes from there. Good Luck


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