# Slow Decline, can I get it back?



## Frozen001 (May 31, 2012)

Hello all,

New member here, and I am posting out of fustration. My wife an I have been together for just about 5 years not, comming up on 3 years of marriage. In the begining our sex life was great, we had sex at least 4-5 times a week. Around the time we moved in together thing started to slowly decline. After marriage, we went in to baby mode, and now after our second child, my wife seems totally un interested in sex. I have talked to her about it many times, and she always has the same excuses, she is tired and does not feel good about herself, and she will try harder in this area. This works for a couple of weeks, and then we are back to maybe twice a month. 

The past two week I have been very romantic with her, lots of hugging, kissing, but she is still un interested in sex. 

I love my wife with all my heart, but I want more physical contact. 

Now she says I talk about it too much, and it make her not want to have sex with me. Even when we do ahve sex, it is pretty bland, with little forplay, or variation.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi frozen ~

Welcome aboard!

So, am I reading that correctly - she's had two babies in the last 3 years?

Childbearing, nursing, sleepless nights can definitely do a number on a woman's libido...kind of a tough situation for both parents.

How old is the youngest? Is she breastfeeding? What kind of birth control is she using? Does she work outside the home?

Does she ever get time away for herself?

Do you two ever get time away together - without kids? How much time do you spend together, just the two of you?

And, normally talking just makes a tired mom feel even worse - just another thing that she can't seem to keep up with.  Some action may be needed. Do you ever just pick up the kids and take them out giving her a break? Do you take the initiative and set up date nights - getting the sitters set up and taking her out on the town occasionally?

So many people seem to lose that sense of togetherness they had when they were dating/first married because of all of the additional stresses and worries a family brings in to the picture. Help her recapture that.

Best wishes.


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## Knoxvillekelly (Mar 17, 2012)

Women are like weather. We change and can change often. Sunny in the morning and stormes at night.

Dont pressure her. Learn to enjoy the intimacy of touching with our penetration or cuming. Love and intimacy is more than just "popping your nut"


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## Frozen001 (May 31, 2012)

Thanks for the reply.

Yes two kids in 3 years, I do understand it is a lot of pressure, especially on her. 

I do help her out as much as I can, and I try to give her some time to herself a couple of days of the week.

Even in the time frame after the first child was no longer breast feeding, and sleeping trough the night (at least 7 months). Sex was a 1 to two times a month thing. Of course it picked up in ernest when she wanted to have child #2, but soon after she became pregnant it when to as long as 6 weeks. 

I will admit I am probably skewed in that I would like it every day or more, but even it if was 3-4 times a week I would be satisfied.

I have noticed I do talk about it much more now that the frequency has dropped.


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## without (Jun 3, 2012)

I can completely understand were your coming from here and the lack of answers you can find on this subject all over the place. I have noticed everyone say just let her be she need time she need this or that. Or my personal favorite there is more to love then sex. Soo what about your needs what about the mens needs, wants and desires! Are we supposed to just accept that 100,000 years of instinct and desire means nothing, and that we are just being unreasonable? Here is what I suggest for you and I am going to try the same thing stop giving her what she wants. My wife always wants to cuddle and rub and kiss, all are fine but it makes the "Blue balls" worse so I say stop when she wants that attention stop giving it. If your like me you try to deal with it because you hope it may lead to more, if it dose your a lucky man. It hasn't worked for anyone so far that I have seen with this issue. You need to let here know in a way she can understand how she feels. What does she care if you don't get sex its not what she wants. You need to find that thing she can't do without and let here do without.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Let's think about this - 
You are both going through difficult times now, it happens when you have children. I think you are wrong to call her claims of fatigue excuses. Think about what she has gone through in the last 36 months - she has been pregnant for 18 months, has delivered 2 children, breast fed for 3 - 12 months?, is sleep deprived, and acquired two souls that are totally dependant on her.

I don't know if she works but assuming she stays at home, she is responsible for meals, housekeeping, laundry, shopping, Dr. appointment. she is still your wife and lover but you also are a parent along with her. Many of the changes that childbearing has brought does not effect you directly but as a parent with her they have an indirect effect. 

I don't think you should have the attitude that your wife is making excuses to deny you sex. put yourself in her shoes. She is really exhausted and dealing with many changes. Don't downplay her difficulties by calling them excuses. 

You are, I assume, sleep deprived as well in addition to being stressed and a new father with the burden of financial responsibility for two new people. Like her you have not enjoyed sex 4 times a week during this period. It takes maturity to make the successful transition from lovers, husband & wife and then father & mother. The experiences for men and women are different. It takes empathy and compassion to lower expectations to a reasonable level and to appreciate how experiences that you will never have. 

Can you just have loving boring sex for a short time until she has a chance to fully recover? Can you manage not to act resentful and frustrated as an investment in the future? What you do now will effect her attitude towards sex and you in the future. She needs you to be controlled and supportive. She needs your help to remind her that she has a man who loves hr and desires her. 

You have to make sure she does not forget that she is more than a mommy. Demands and righteousness will push her away, understanding and a mature controlled approach will reap rewards.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## without (Jun 3, 2012)

Personally it's been three years since the birth of our last child. She works I stay home with the kids, I do all the house work and take care of the kids. I also go to school full time (online so I can have more time with the kids) I treat her good give her massages buy her treats tell her how much I love her. I will cuddle with her on request an I don't talk any more about missing sex because it made her cry she couldn't do enough for me. She works 20hrs a week as an office assistant, and we haven't been intamite in over a month. Not that she hasnt asked and received favors from me. So tell me what am I doing wrong I have talked with her, I have given her time, I have followed the advice of countless people on these boards. I love her I know she loves me we she can't stand being away. We have tryed counseling, even seperation I only want her and her me sex or not but what does a man do go with out hoping one day things will change. All I am saying is maybe after a while it's time to stop thinking about what others want and get something for your self. Has the gender war so left us in a point were mean must give until we break for love?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Without your situation is totally different. You are giving way too much. I think it is important to keep a balance in the relationship. Giving too much means that one person is more valuable than the other. On a subconscious level, it makes the giver less sexualy attractive. 

Is the stay at home situation temporary? That may also be a problem. Many women say they don't mind but it may change there view of their husband and lead to lower sexual desire for him. If you can get back to work ASAP. I suggest you cut out all of the services you give and give as much as you get. Don't do it in an angry way stay pleasant and nice. It is not titi for tat, it is valuing what you are bringing to the relationship as much as you value what she brings. 

If she comments about the change tell her you love her but you felt you were crowding her since she is not as affectionate as you. Tell her you will follow her lead.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## without (Jun 3, 2012)

Catherine I used to be the one working while she was pregnant with our last son, medical reasons have kept me from working but now that I am finishing school I will be going back to work. It's not like I didn't want to work I just couldn't go back to fighting wildfires I needed to get a new vocation. I know she feels bad about the weight she has put on but she knows I love chubby girls. And some lady problems contribute. It's not all her fault I know but I tell you at this point everyday this continues bring me another day to the limit. The funny thing is she goes to school to get a phd in clinical Psycology I don't claim to know what that is but shouldn't that give her a better insight into why I have needs and that I am not just trying to get some.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Frozen001 (May 31, 2012)

While I understand that yes she has been pregnant, and breast feeding, and she does work full time BTW, I too have not been getting the sleep I used to, but I have adjusted. 

The other day I had a serious discussion about the lack of sex, and heck even the lack of her showing me any physical signs of love. She understands my POV a bit better now, and promised she would try harder. The next day was good, she initiated hugging me, kissing me, sitting next to me with out asking. These were all alcking. Well guess what yesterday and so far today, we are back to what has become our new "normal". Still no sex, this week, although I did get a blow job the day after our "talk".

Honestly it always happens this way, we talk she changes for a short time and falls right back to her old routine. 

It seems like there is a great divide between men and women on this subject, especially when children are added. Seems women tend to side together, and men side together.


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## without (Jun 3, 2012)

See you get it man I feel ya and don't worry about trying the cold shoulder is harder then I care to admit. But your right women don't seem to see sex the same way as we do. I am glad to know the lack of sleep goes away because it's effecting my school work now. Hell I even started smoking again after a year of being quit just to help take the edge off and help me focus. Of course this dosn't help much since she hates the small of smoke anywhere especially on me. I guess hoping that some lady may understand and have an answer for us is asking to much, the divide between the sexes gets ever wider as women become more empowered. Please don't take that the wrong way ether I am all for equality but we skipped right over that somewhere. And again I am not saying everything is equal or that women have a superiorority complex or something or that all women are this way. But it seems like now that women can feel comfortable about saying no they are less Likly to say yes after their maturnal needs are met. While us me who have been genetically engineered to (like every other male of any spicies) go forth and multiply with who ever as much as possible. Someone once told me women have sex to get married while men get married to have sex, why can't we get on the same page. Why do men always need to give more bend more or just deal, why can't women bend more give more and deal more, after all we may not carry the children for nine months but us good men do everything else to make it easier. And we too deal with sleepless nights and crying kids. Your issue of talking to here and things going back to normal fast I have the same issue, I have talked to here about it every few months and it's the same thing potty sex if I'm lucky once then back to normal like its all better now. Makes me feel like I have to beg to get what I need from the relationship and get beat up on for asking for help. Women wonder why we get do upset well women I ask you if we stoped ever wanting to have sex with you what would you jump to? Most Likly you said nothing but I bet you thought of cheating at least a secound. Well what are we men supposed to think especially when it's a dramatic change. I don't know about you but this isn't what I game up my sexual freedom for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## without (Jun 3, 2012)

Sorry I write do much at once it's really hard to find time to discuss this issue while pretending it dosn't exist especially when you wife dosn't trust you. Though I do have a slight advantage we are only engaged though its been 6 years. (she won't marry me till we are out of school more grant money that way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Frozen001 (May 31, 2012)

Well I do not plan on letting the issue drop any time soon. I love my wife, and can't imagine not being with her. I have upped taking care of her needs in the last couple of weeks, lets see what happens between that and I will keep bringing it up daily if I have to.


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## without (Jun 3, 2012)

Well let us know what happens and I'll do the same maby we can help each other out if one of us finds a way because I don't want to give up ether
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Without and Frozen. It might be best to post in the mens clubhouse with a link back to your post on this thread. 

I don't think women are being obtuse intentionally. Of course the effect is the same, a very sex starved and unhappy husband. 

It takes a relentless focused program to breakthrough. When your wife changes for a week or two and then falls back, don't let it ride. It usually means that she does not understand. 

There are some very knowledgeable and supportive men in the clubhouse. They will put some fire to your azz and get you to hop to it. Not that you have not been trying but you may not be trying in an effective way. The right approach may help. Good luck.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Frozen I don't want to share war stories but you really don't know what it is to carry a child for 9 months and deliver no more than I know what it feel like to have testosterone. 

You have no idea what it is like to try and recover and at the same time have the care of a very needy human being. I have no idea what it is like to wait to have sex until a woman recovers after giving birth or through out the pregnancy. 

You say women don't understand a man's needs. I have seen the minimization of pregnancy and childbirth and the postpartum period so many times that it makes me sick. 

We don't make this stuff up. A lack of sympathy and compassion gets you exactly the same a lack of sympathy and compassion. 

It is not another female excuse to deny men no more that the belief that all men think about is sex and if they don't get it, they are not understanding or compassionate. 

The equality thing - come on, that is offensive. Do you want to go back in time? Would that make you happy. Thanks, it was not a very comfortable time for some of us. You want your wife, who you love, to go back to that. 

I don't have testosterone and I have no idea what it feels like but I believe the mountain of evidence that it feels just like the people who have it say it does. 

I treat my husband like I know how he feels. I try to put myself in his shoes. I can't really feel it but just the effort helps me understand. 

Losing sleep because of the baby does not compare with losing sleep plus all of the other things women experience. 

The postpartum period is very difficult for women. It takes time to heal, and for hormones to get back to normal levels. 

I know that is not what you want to hear. You want answers on how to get your wives to show you love. 

But if you minimize what she is going through she will not make the effort to understand what is happening with you. That is human nature.


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## Frozen001 (May 31, 2012)

Been a while since I posted this, so I thought I would sort of do an update.

Thing have improved slightly, but we are still no where near where we were prior to having kids. Right now I can say on average we have sex somewere between one to three times in a two week period. I have had numerous discussion with my wife, and somehow I always walk thinking things will improve, and they do as always for a week or so, then she falls back into old habits... I just do not know what to do any more...


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