# new marriage and its issues



## barbie24 (Apr 8, 2014)

I am a 19 yrs old and have been married for more than a year. My husband is nice but his parents don't want us to be happy. My husband got a job in another state.before we were living with his parents.they treated me like trash. Now we have moved and they blame me partly for taking their son away. And the bitter part is he also thinks that I was the reason (half reason) he moved... his parents always come between us and brainwash him against me... I get upset easily and then get in fight with him... it looks like he doesn't care sometimes. He will either ignore me or will yell at me for few seconds and then becomes normal.. he was good before .always taking my side when I was right but since we moved he doesn't care anymore...I love him alot I just dont feel like he loves me the same way I do..we want to establish a good relationship but I m already heart broken ..I told him I couldn't take this anymore but I dont want to leave him.. I am stupid because I couldn't control my emotions... I dont have anyone here .. only he and me.. I am stressed and heart broken ...can someone please suggest some tips to make my marriage work?


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## JaimeLynn621 (Apr 8, 2014)

First of all I would like to say that I am so sorry that this is happening too. I don't have quite the same situation as I am for one newly engaged with plans to be married very soon. I sometimes struggle with a similar kind of issue. Actually both my and his parents/family can be a bit heavy, judgmental, and sometimes downright rude. I thought for a long time that his mom just never wanted us as a couple to be happy and I took it personally like it was my fault that she felt this way. That doesn't necessarily have to be the case. It sounds like you have had the conversation with him many times but has he at all expressed his take on this besides the fact that he blames you as part of the reason you moved away?! Maybe sit down and have that conversation with him. Or better yet do you know why his parents do not want you guys to be happy? Have you ever sat down with them and spoke or better yet talk to them together. I know it is so easy to get upset and tears will happen but for him to yell at you or ignore you or vice-versa is wrong. You don't necessarily have to fight, you can have a normal conversation. Just don't let it get to that point! And if it does walk away from him and pick up the conversation at another time. It seems cold but it might be best. You need to have a heart to heart with him though, I don't know if you have but tell him that you are heartbroken and don't want to be and you want to make things better too! Maybe all he needs is for you to say your willing to do the work along with him to make things happy again... Have you discussed counseling of any kind?


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

barbie24, First off I want to say I am sorry you are going through this. Second, to answer one of your questions, no you are not stupid for letting your emotions get the better of you. Unfortunately, when we are young it can be difficult to control our emotions. I had to get really old before I was able to control mine. 

Would your husband go to marriage counseling? If he will agree, I would try that first.

If he won't, you can try making an appointment with him to talk. Sit in a neutral part of the house, like the kitchen. Have everything written down that you want to discuss, we write it down so we can stick to what we want to say and not forget. Set some ground rules: When one person is talking, the other can only listen, not interrupt and not make noises, faces, etc. When the person talking is finished, the other person may comment, nicely.

If your H won't listen to you then you are down to two choices.
1. You stay in the marriage the way it is, knowing that this will be your life and you accept that.
2. You leave.

Unfortunately the only person we have any control over is ourselves. If your H doesn't want to listen to you or change, there really is nothing you can do about it. That is a hard thing to accept sometimes, but necessary.

The last thing is, if you make a threat, you must be willing to follow through with it. If you don't, he will learn that you don't mean it and his behavior will get worse. If you do follow through, this may be what jolts him awake and gets him to want to change. But then, it may not. Either way, you must be strong enough to put your emotional needs first or you will eventually loose who you are and loose the love you have for him.

Let us know what you decide to do.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

OP, be sensitive to their parents situation. Put yourself in their shoes.

As a parent, children are probably the most important person/thing in your life. The hardest part of parenting is letting go.

For a mother, letting go a son is EXTREMELY hard.

Accept it and know this fact.

His parents simply have issues handling that. Your husband needs to do a better job at handling that portion.

OR you ask him to meet with his parents together and discuss their issues. I would simply ask them face to face what issues they have with you and talk it out.

For them to be talking behind your back is wrong and childish (just don't tell them that flat out). 

Handle this manner in a mature way, face to face.

You might also uncover somethings about yourself that you might not know currently. So go into it with an open mind and remember that there is a high chance there is a GOOD reason why they feel the way they do, and it might have something to do with the way you are etc.

Find out EXACTLY what the problem is. Once you do, figure out a way to deal with it.

It's going to be VERY hard at your age btw.......


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

DoF, although I agree that it is hard for parents to let go sometimes, that doesn't mean that the parents have a right to "trash" their sons wife. In addition to that, it is her H attitude that she is concerned with. He is treating her poorly and that has nothing to do with his parents, it is his choice to behave this way towards her.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

JustHer said:


> DoF, although I agree that it is hard for parents to let go sometimes, that doesn't mean that the parents have a right to "trash" their sons wife.* In addition to that, it is her H attitude that she is concerned with. He is treating her poorly and that has nothing to do with his parents, it is his choice to behave this way towards her.*


I'm sorry but I don't see that in the original post.

She said that parents come between them and she fights with him > he ignores her etc.

The CORE of the issue comes from parents. And yes, I'm not saying parents are right (quite opposite).

All I'm saying is that parents need to be dealt with and this issue addressed.

If her H can't handle that portion (which he should) and be supportive of his W, then she needs to get involved and they can address it together.

Best way to do that is to simply get together and talk things out.....but that's just me.

OP needs to accept/realize that he married not just this man, but his family as well. Building a good relationship with them (even in the face of the evil) is extremely important for this relationship, future children and just general happiness of the entire family.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How old is your husband? How long did you date before you got married? Are there cultural reasons for your in-laws actions/reactions?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Omg 19 and married!!

I'm sure this will sound insulting but it really is help I'm trying to give. Saw a lot of kids married young in military and never ever ended well.

If you want this marriage to work you need to recognize that your young age is working against you here. It's not your fault it's just that as you grow into adulthood your view and priorities are going to change. Happens to most everyone.

In order to work you guy are going to have to do some major work. I would get every book you can on communication in marriage and both of you start reading them. You have major odds stacked against you here and I hope good luck.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> Omg 19 and married!!
> 
> I'm sure this will sound insulting but it really is help I'm trying to give. Saw a lot of kids married young in military and never ever ended well.
> 
> ...


I got married at 19, against all the statistics we have done just fine.

It won't be easy, but it's possible for sure.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

barbie24 said:


> I am a 19 yrs old and have been married for more than a year. My husband is nice but his parents don't want us to be happy. My husband got a job in another state.before we were living with his parents.they treated me like trash. Now we have moved and they blame me partly for taking their son away. And the bitter part is he also thinks that I was the reason (half reason) he moved... his parents always come between us and brainwash him against me... I get upset easily and then get in fight with him... it looks like he doesn't care sometimes. He will either ignore me or will yell at me for few seconds and then becomes normal.. he was good before .always taking my side when I was right but since we moved he doesn't care anymore...I love him alot I just dont feel like he loves me the same way I do..we want to establish a good relationship but I m already heart broken ..I told him I couldn't take this anymore but I dont want to leave him.. I am stupid because I couldn't control my emotions... I dont have anyone here .. only he and me.. I am stressed and heart broken ...can someone please suggest some tips to make my marriage work?


Honey....my heart feels for you....can you find a support group.
I mean NOT family. Can the two of you get IC and or MC?

Many people get married young....do not loose hope...it is not PC anymore but can be done.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

DoF said:


> I got married at 19, against all the statistics we have done just fine.
> 
> It won't be easy, but it's possible for sure.


Some can but you have to admit it's very very rare.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> Some can but you have to admit it's very very rare.


I will take that as a complement.Thanks

It really depends on the person, their commitment and how fast are they willing to mature at that age.

At 20 I was living a life of a 35-40 year old (3 kids).....:sleeping:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

DoF said:


> I will take that as a complement.Thanks
> 
> It really depends on the person, their commitment and how fast are they willing to mature at that age.
> 
> At 20 I was living a life of a 35-40 year old (3 kids).....:sleeping:


It also depends on the parents (or lack thereof). This poster married a baby who still wants his parents' approval and who apparently got raised by people who will manipulate him to get what they want. Hard to move into a successful marriage with that.

Now, as to what to do? First, get this book and read it, TOGETHER. Read a chapter every week and talk about it. Incorporate its tenets into your marriage. If you do, your marriage will be MUCH stronger than it is now.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

turnera said:


> It also depends on the parents (or lack thereof). This poster married a baby who still wants his parents' approval and who apparently got raised by people who will manipulate him to get what they want. Hard to move into a successful marriage with that.


I can't say my wife and I had good parents....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

But you were on your own and they weren't interfering in your marriage, according to what you said. Unless I misunderstood.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

turnera said:


> But you were on your own and they weren't interfering in your marriage, according to what you said. Unless I misunderstood.


Not at all, we lived together for over 10 years (my mom)


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I guess I don't understand, then. You said you lived the life of an adult, but you were living with parents? 

Anyway, sorry for the T/J.


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## barbie24 (Apr 8, 2014)

We have talked to his parents but they dont care... they want everything to be there way .. and they want their son to do whatever they say... we have discussed and have agreed to take counselling... I have told him but he doesnt want to hear anything about his parents...now I have started to ignore things I talk to his parents only when he wants and I am trying to stay away from his family....


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## barbie24 (Apr 8, 2014)

Thankyou everyone and especially jaime ...I will try it... and dOf...I dont have my parents here and when I got married I always thought of them like my parents..but my mother in law had issues from the first day of marriage that her son was not paying attention to what she was saying and asking... I know its hard for parents and even my parents like in a different country ...imagine how hard it is for them not to see me... he goes every month to meet his parents...and they are not satisfied... they had given us only one room and were pressurizing us to make babies..(we didnt wanted any children bcz my husband didnt have a career) and after few arguments they asked my husband to pay them for living with them...his half brothers have left them because they treated them same...I try my best but my husband says that his mom never liked me and will never in future


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

barbie24 said:


> I try my best but my husband says that his mom never liked me and will never in future


Barbie, if my H told me that, I'd tell him that he'd better not let her dis me, or he'd be discussing it alone - with HER.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

barbie24 said:


> Thankyou everyone and especially jaime ...I will try it... and dOf...I dont have my parents here and when I got married I always thought of them like my parents..but my mother in law had issues from the first day of marriage that her son was not paying attention to what she was saying and asking... I know its hard for parents and even my parents like in a different country ...imagine how hard it is for them not to see me... he goes every month to meet his parents...and they are not satisfied... they had given us only one room and were pressurizing us to make babies..(we didnt wanted any children bcz my husband didnt have a career) and *after few arguments they asked my husband to pay them for living with them*...his half brothers have left them because they treated them same...I try my best but my husband says that his mom never liked me and will never in future


While it does sound like your in-laws are not easy people to have in your life... I do want to comment the idea that they wanted him put pay for living with them.

There is nothing wrong with you and he paying something to his parents for living under their roof. I would expect the same from my adult children.

What culture are you all from? I'm getting the impression that you are from a culture in which married sons, their wife and children tend to live with his family. (Maybe from India?)


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

barbie24 said:


> Thankyou everyone and especially jaime ...I will try it... and dOf...I dont have my parents here and when I got married I always thought of them like my parents..but my mother in law had issues from the first day of marriage that her son was not paying attention to what she was saying and asking... I know its hard for parents and even my parents like in a different country ...imagine how hard it is for them not to see me... he goes every month to meet his parents...and they are not satisfied... they had given us only one room and were pressurizing us to make babies..(we didnt wanted any children bcz my husband didnt have a career) and after few arguments they asked my husband to pay them for living with them...his half brothers have left them because they treated them same...I try my best but my husband says that his mom never liked me and will never in future


Sounds like your MIL probably would not have been happy with anyone he married. I had to come to that realization with my own MIL. There are things you can do to make it go smoother but you will not fix it. Maybe talk with your husband about what his mom wants. Would he have been happy with that woman? My husband is fine with his mom and my relationship partialy because he knows he would not have been happy with what his mom wants.


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