# I feel dead inside



## Katy44

I have been married for 19 years and I can't remember the last time I felt happy in this marriage. I just don't know what to do at this point. I'm just used to this I guess.

I'm also not sure where to begin in sharing my story. My self esteem is in the toilet. I'm numb from it all and stuck. 

I'll keep reading posts by others I guess and see if that helps.

My hubby and I have lived apart since April, 08 as he works a job up north. He comes home once a week or so for a few days and I dread it.

I need a helping hand to start this.


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## Katy44

I'm beginning to realize that my marriage is like a parent/child relationship. My husband has always treated me that way. I think this has led me to be very resentful, angry and depressed. He's a real womanizer and has been always when I think about it. 

I need to do something before I'm unable to one day.


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## Katy44

When I met him all those years ago, I was so full of life, a flight attendant traveling all over, then a sales lady for a large company on the road. Some how over the years my own life slipped away because it became all about him and what he did. He has compared me to other women in looks along the way. I haven't let myself go but I am older, 45 next week.


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## preso

I'm sorry to hear you feel so bad and are feeling like he has so much control and power over you.
I am not in that situation as I'm not submissive enough to let anyone control me but I am osrry you are feeling so bad and dead inside.

I never let my husband think anything is all about him...
or would in any way let him take my spirit from me, maybe I'm just too mean...
but whatever, I'd rather be like this than let someone run me over.
You may need to seek professional help and medication to straighten all that out as its been long term.
My husband turns into a hound dog and he's gone... pfffft,
wouldn't even have to think about it.


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## Katy44

It happened without me realizing it to be honest over time. His family had a business and I ended up working with him and his parents. One day I woke up and realized I ended my own life by that decision to work with him. It's hard to really explain everything. The business failed 3 years ago after 34 years in his family. It's all been down hill since then, marriage wise.


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## justean

hey katy, i feel for you . i have felt the same for a long time. i tried several million times to work on a one way marriage and after 14 yrs. i decided i have to let go for me. for a new chapter in my life. katy your stunning and you really do deserve better than what you have. trouble is more of his issues on you are his own insecurities. these are not from you and no matter how much you feel your not good enough. trust me you are. you have to find you again. youve been quite repressed for sometime and he wont make you feel any better in the long run and you will remain unhappy. im going for divorce now and i doing the quick route, and not thinking on it. because the marriage has been bad for sometime and i havent been able to be the person i am.


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## Katy44

I also believe my husband is a master of head games. He can be awesome at times and then turn and say something to knock me right down. 

For example: We met up with an old friend of his from years ago last week when he was home. His friend was a jerk from the start, said in front of his wife of 10 yrs (she's 29-30) and me, hey Ricky are you jealous I married a fox? I couldn't believe his friend said that! Hubby just laughed and that was the end of it for a few days. Then hubby makes a comment to me out of the blue, "I want a trophy wife" like so in so. 

All I could think to say at the time was "Go for it then".


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## Katy44

justean said:


> hey katy, i feel for you . i have felt the same for a long time. i tried several million times to work on a one way marriage and after 14 yrs. i decided i have to let go for me. for a new chapter in my life. katy your stunning and you really do deserve better than what you have. trouble is more of his issues on you are his own insecurities. these are not from you and no matter how much you feel your not good enough. trust me you are. you have to find you again. youve been quite repressed for sometime and he wont make you feel any better in the long run and you will remain unhappy. im going for divorce now and i doing the quick route, and not thinking on it. because the marriage has been bad for sometime and i havent been able to be the person i am.


Thanks for the understanding and advice. I'm sure I will be in the same shape, probably worse by just sitting here hoping things will get eventually get better. History tells me why would it get better eventually? I have been loyal and loving and I want that in return. I always feel like it's never enough.

I'm getting more scared each year that passes. I can't afford to waist years in my mid 40's.


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## Katy44

Another thing I've noticed over the last couple years is how my son has changed in the way he talks to me. He is sounding like his Dad in tone. Lack of respect towards women. Not only to me either, to his sister's as well. He said to my eldest daughter not long ago, when are you going to lose a few pounds. I was so upset, I tore a strip off of him. I find my relationship with my son deteriorating because he sounds like his Dad.


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## Katy44

Guess I didn't know where to start here, now it feels like a tap has turned on full blast.


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## Katy44

I wonder if my husband felt so insecure that the only way he felt secure was to destroy me. That's the only thing that makes sense to what has happened.


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## justean

katy , everything you said is how i felt. im not prepared for the waste on my life. i know i deserve better. but one thing happened , my h put my kids at risk and it was the straw that broke the camels back. i decided then that the marriage was over and i had to move on. that was march. i feel the same now. i dont love my H and i can have a better life . him being negative really pulls me down and me being positive is very difficult pulling that person up constantly throughout a relationship, especially when most of the issues , i feel are his issues and not mine. e.g my H drinking and one night stand and the latest, i was hit by him.


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## Katy44

Okay, my heart is in a million pieces right now, can hardly see to post this. Just called my hubby and asked him a question about where his prescription of Champix was? A prescription for quitting smoking he got a couple months ago. 

This thread, me thinking made me remember this, when he got that prescription because I remember looking in the bag and there was also sample of Viagra from the Doctor. 

I asked him where it was? He got defensive right away and said he was playing around and tried them! I said the Champix? That's what I was asking about. He back peddled and said, Oh I wasn't sure what you were talking about. Then I said the Viagra sample? When did you try that? He said at home! What?

I'm a mess, what just happened here? I know he never took anything with me. I KNOW that!

How can this all happen in a Day! Me finally reaching out and this!!!!!! OMG


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## recent_cloud

take a breath. there's a reason for everything, and maybe the reason you visited here today was to have some support, even if from strangers, at least kind strangers, who want to help and let you know you're not alone.

as they say, a journey of a thousand miles starts with one step. i think you've taken the first step today on the journey back to yourself.


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## Katy44

Thank you recent_cloud.

I'm so upset and angry and listening to this:

YouTube - Shania Twain - Any Man Of Mine

"Any Man Of Mine"

This is what a woman wants...
Any man of mine better be proud of me
Even when I'm ugly he still better love me
And I can be late for a date that's fine
But he better be on time

Any man of mine'll say it fits just right
When last year's dress is just a little too tight
And anything I do or say better be okay
When I have a bad hair day

And if I change my mind
A million times
I wanna hear him say
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I like it that way

Any man of mine better walk the line
Better show me a teasin' squeezin' pleasin' kinda time
I need a man who knows, how the story goes
He's gotta be a heartbeatin' fine treatin'
Breathtakin' earthquakin' kind
Any man of mine

Well any man of mine better disagree
When I say another woman's lookin' better than me
And when I cook him dinner and I burn it black
He better say, mmmm, I like it like that yeah

And if I changed my mind
A million times
I wanna hear him say
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I like it that way

Any man of mine better walk the line
Better show me a teasin' squeezin' pleasin' kinda time
I need a man who knows, how the story goes
He's gotta be a heartbeatin' fine treatin'
Breathtakin' earthquakin' kind
Any man of mine

Let me hear you say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I like it that way

Any man of mine better walk the line
Better show me a teasin' squeezin' pleasin' kinda time
I need a man who knows, how the story goes
He's gotta be a heartbeatin' fine treatin'
Breathtakin' earthquakin' kind
Any man of mine

You gotta shimmy shake
Make the earth quake
Kick, turn, stomp, stomp, then you jump
Heel to toe, Do Si Do
'Til your boots wanna break
"Til your feet and your back ache
Keep it movin' 'til you just can't take anymore
Come on everybody on the floor
A-one two, a-three four
Hup two, hum
If you wanna be a man of mine, that's right
This is what a woman wants...


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## dcrim

Katy, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. 

I know the hurt & pain. 

I've never cheated, but have been cheated on. Cheated on, dumped, and betrayed. 

It hurts. A lot. 

I wish I could do something to make it go away, but only you can deal with it. 

I'm going on one day at a time. You will have to hold on the same way. Each day it gets a little better, a little less hurtful. 

There's a great bunch of people here and they all have something to offer each other, including you. 

Just hang in there, girl. Please.


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## recent_cloud

based on the song you chose, you know what you want, expect, and deserve from your man.

every woman deserves to be treated as shania twain sings, and a real man celebrates treating his woman this way.

so you know what you want, now go get it.

as aretha franklin sings, r-e-s-p-e-c-t.

....you know, i was going to end my post on that note (excuse the pun) but i'm having a hard time letting something you posted that your husband said to you slide:

it is beyond innapropriate, it's just downright mean as well as self centered and indicative of a very arrogant man, to say to his beautiful wife (and i've never met a bride that wasn't) that he needs to find a 'trophy wife'.

damn do you deserve better.


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## Katy44

recent_cloud said:


> based on the song you chose, you know what you want, expect, and deserve from your man.
> 
> every woman deserves to be treated as shania twain sings, and a real man celebrates treating his woman this way.
> 
> so you know what you want, now go get it.
> 
> as aretha franklin sings, r-e-s-p-e-c-t.
> 
> ....you know, i was going to end my post on that note (excuse the pun) but i'm having a hard time letting something you posted that your husband said to you slide:
> 
> it is beyond innapropriate, it's just downright mean as well as self centered and indicative of a very arrogant man, to say to his beautiful wife (and i've never met a bride that wasn't) that he needs to find a 'trophy wife'.
> 
> damn do you deserve better.


Crazy as you posted he phoned and I was reading what you posted. I told him we're done. 

All he kept saying is "what are you talking about?' Total denial as to how's he has been. 

I left out more then I said, by the way, this is the first time I've really enclosed to anyone the abuse (verbal) I've lived with, this is just last weeks stuff. 

We were at a funeral and on our way home he said "they're were a lot of beautiful women at the funeral that sure looked like they take care of themselves. I was dressed up too???? Thought I looked nice. It was a funeral for God's sake, why????? 

Hugs (((((recent_cloud)))) thanks for being here right now in this moment. I can't let this eat at me any more. It hurts to much.


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## recent_cloud

you say your estranged husband is a 'master' at playing head games, so please be aware that if he indeed is, then i'd give odds you're about to be hit with his best game.

talking to empathetic people online is certainly helpful, and i want to thank you for allowing me to offer my support, but you need real world support now as well to help you take the next few steps.

you need to know that simply by making the decision to post here demostrates you have the strength and desire to retrieve your life.


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## Sensitive

I hope you are feeling better today. I often feel I have lost myself, and changed from an independent woman to an overworked depressed mother of two. I often felt hurt and turned to online as a way to express myself and get some support. In the end, I think I needed real life support and I was finally able to start therapy with my husband.

Also, I was a little confused about the viagra thing, are you suspecting he is cheating? Has he confirmed that? I am very sorry.


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## dcrim

Katy, he has no clue about life and how to live it (with a partner)!. There is NO reason to compare you to anyone else! If I married you, there would be absolutely no doubt in your mind that I loved you and there would never be any comparison to any one elsel A marriage is between those who love each other, those who respect each other, those who want to be together. Anything less shouldn't be married.


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## Tr000thSeeker

Katy44, some important rules in life:
1) When you recognize yourself in the midst of bad, do not wait there to be victimized by it. Do something so that minimum/no harm reaches you.
2) Do not subject your psyche to any more negativity (this includes melancholy music/lyrics). If you do, you will spiral into deeper depression and a feeling of helplessness.
3) Try to talk about the problem with a live (positive non-depressed) human 1-on-1, who is willing to atleast talk.


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## chrisalismom

Katy:

As I sit here, my eyes blurry with tears, I am in fear. I am in fear because I don't know where to go or what to do. I, too, feel dead inside. 

I have been married 14 years this July and it has been very unhappy for about 5 years now. I am 47 years old and have 2 children, ages 12 and 11 whom I love dearly, but I find myself yelling at them in an uncontrollable rage when I am upset at my husband.

You see, my husband represses me. He gets angry over little things, and expresses that anger by yelling or throwing the object he's upset at, or whatever. But when I get upset, he gets even angrier. If I call his attention to something that he has done (even in a nice way) he will twist my words and yell at me. The same rules don't seem to apply to me. 

I am the youngest of 5 children and my parents treat me like crap. When I was in hospital having my 2 kids, they never came to visit me even once. I had a complete hysterectomy in 2001 and was in hospital for 8 days and they never came to see me or even called me once. Yet, when one of my siblings gets the flu, or needs anything, they are there for them. Whenever I try to talk to my mom about my problems, she will say "you're bringing me down". I have no friends, though when I was in my 20's and 30's I had many, many friends. I have NO support group. On father's day, my husband, kids and myself, went to my parent's home to see my dad, and mom was being very hurtful again. She was telling me that when they pass away, the other 4 siblings will receive $10,000 each, and each of their children will receive $5,000 each. She then told me that I would get $525.00 and that my kids would each get $200.00. They have a dog and, in front of all my siblings and other guests, my mom said "Inuk (the dog) is like our 5th child" and I had to remind her that I was her 5th child. After we left and came home, I was crying and hoping to get some sort of comfort from my husband (who always makes excuses for my parents) and when I said to him "how can you defend them? You are the only person I have, and I look to you to be the guy to comfort me" and he looked at me and said "what if I don't want to BE that guy?" I am still devastated today. He is out of town on business and comes home today. The thought of him coming home makes me want to cry. My hands are sweating and I feel sick in my stomach. I keep wishing he would have a car accident and just die, or a heart attack or something.

I cannot leave him because I am financially dependent on him. I am a full-time stay-at-home mom and haven't worked outside the home in 13 years. We are in debt over $50,000 and that doesn't include the mortgage. I am in my late 40's and feel like I am 90 years old.

I have tried to tell my husband that when you love someone, you are supposed to be there for them to comfort them and support them. When I say that to him, he just yells at me and says hurtful things. 

We haven't had sex in 3 years and he sleeps on the couch. When we were first married we were so happy! But that all changed about 5 or 6 years ago and I don't know why. It is affecting my kids too. When I talk to my husband, he never listens, he NEVER looks at me when I speak and this causes a lot of misunderstandings. Now my children are starting to not listen to me and not look at me when I speak. He has become so selfish. I never know what is going to upset him. Some days just saying good morning will set him off and other days it won't. I am constantly feeling off-guard. I am trapped, and often wish I could just curl up and die. I would never kill myself because I have 2 kids who are my everything, but sometimes I wish I could have a heart attack or cancer or something so I could just leave this world. I am not close to any of my siblings. They have all told me to my face that they don't like me. My parents are indifferent and I have nobody to tell this to. I can't afford a therapist and even if I could, my husband would never let me go.

I am scared and want this to be over.

Help me


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## Sensitive

chrisalismom said:


> Katy:
> 
> As I sit here, my eyes blurry with tears, I am in fear. I am in fear because I don't know where to go or what to do. I, too, feel dead inside.
> 
> I have been married 14 years this July and it has been very unhappy for about 5 years now. I am 47 years old and have 2 children, ages 12 and 11 whom I love dearly, but I find myself yelling at them in an uncontrollable rage when I am upset at my husband.
> 
> You see, my husband represses me. He gets angry over little things, and expresses that anger by yelling or throwing the object he's upset at, or whatever. But when I get upset, he gets even angrier. If I call his attention to something that he has done (even in a nice way) he will twist my words and yell at me. The same rules don't seem to apply to me.
> 
> I am the youngest of 5 children and my parents treat me like crap. When I was in hospital having my 2 kids, they never came to visit me even once. I had a complete hysterectomy in 2001 and was in hospital for 8 days and they never came to see me or even called me once. Yet, when one of my siblings gets the flu, or needs anything, they are there for them. Whenever I try to talk to my mom about my problems, she will say "you're bringing me down". I have no friends, though when I was in my 20's and 30's I had many, many friends. I have NO support group. On father's day, my husband, kids and myself, went to my parent's home to see my dad, and mom was being very hurtful again. She was telling me that when they pass away, the other 4 siblings will receive $10,000 each, and each of their children will receive $5,000 each. She then told me that I would get $525.00 and that my kids would each get $200.00. They have a dog and, in front of all my siblings and other guests, my mom said "Inuk (the dog) is like our 5th child" and I had to remind her that I was her 5th child. After we left and came home, I was crying and hoping to get some sort of comfort from my husband (who always makes excuses for my parents) and when I said to him "how can you defend them? You are the only person I have, and I look to you to be the guy to comfort me" and he looked at me and said "what if I don't want to BE that guy?" I am still devastated today. He is out of town on business and comes home today. The thought of him coming home makes me want to cry. My hands are sweating and I feel sick in my stomach. I keep wishing he would have a car accident and just die, or a heart attack or something.
> 
> I cannot leave him because I am financially dependent on him. I am a full-time stay-at-home mom and haven't worked outside the home in 13 years. We are in debt over $50,000 and that doesn't include the mortgage. I am in my late 40's and feel like I am 90 years old.
> 
> I have tried to tell my husband that when you love someone, you are supposed to be there for them to comfort them and support them. When I say that to him, he just yells at me and says hurtful things.
> 
> We haven't had sex in 3 years and he sleeps on the couch. When we were first married we were so happy! But that all changed about 5 or 6 years ago and I don't know why. It is affecting my kids too. When I talk to my husband, he never listens, he NEVER looks at me when I speak and this causes a lot of misunderstandings. Now my children are starting to not listen to me and not look at me when I speak. He has become so selfish. I never know what is going to upset him. Some days just saying good morning will set him off and other days it won't. I am constantly feeling off-guard. I am trapped, and often wish I could just curl up and die. I would never kill myself because I have 2 kids who are my everything, but sometimes I wish I could have a heart attack or cancer or something so I could just leave this world. I am not close to any of my siblings. They have all told me to my face that they don't like me. My parents are indifferent and I have nobody to tell this to. I can't afford a therapist and even if I could, my husband would never let me go.
> 
> I am scared and want this to be over.
> 
> Help me


You deserve your own thread.

When I felt my worst depression, I was very disgusted with my husband, and hated the thought of him returning from work. I also thought how liberating it would be if he just died. I also reasoned that if I died, no one would watch the kids. Nowadays, I feel better, and I don't have any deathwishes.

Do you attend a church? There must be someone in your real life that you can talk to.


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## chrisalismom

I remember something else my husband said to me once. I told him that he only seems to tune ME out. Never the kids, never his mother or his siblings, or anyone else, only me. He yelled at me when I said that. I also told him that he has never stood up for me once in the 16 years I have known him (14 married, 2 dating). Once, a neighbour we barely knew, said to me at a garden party, "You are so stupid, how did you ever get this far in life". My husband was sitting there, right beside me and he said and did nothing. I asked him later if he had heard the comment and he said "yes". When I asked him why he didn't defend me, he said "because, the neighbour is entitled to his opinion". I was devastated for 3 days. Yet, my husband will defend his mother, his siblings, his friends, my parents, our children, and even the neighbours we hardly know (I once told him I was angry at a neighbour for allowing their cat to poop in our yard, and the neighbour became upset at me for saying something. My husband told me he thought I should apologize). Once, we were visiting his mom (she's widowed) and we mentioned that we were going to visit her dead husband's brother, and she said they weren't speaking anymore because he said something "mean" to her. My husband got on the phone to the brother and yelled at him for hurting his mom, but won't defend me???? I asked him once why he defends her and not me and he said "because she's my mom and I love her". When I said "well, I'm your wife and you claim to love me" he said "if I have to choose, I will ALWAYS choose my mom".

I don't know why he has changed. He used to be very loving and caring and he would take everything I said as gospel. We used to have such fun together and now he never smiles anymore. Yet, on my birthday or mother's day or our anniversary, he'll get me a beautiful card and tell me he loves me. He keeps me off guard. He goes from one extreme to the other. I never know what to expect from him from day to day. Whenever he speaks to me, it is in a flat tone. There is no life in his voice anymore (nor in mine). I know he's not cheating on me, because he is ALWAYS home and when he is on the road, it is always up north and he is the only person in the whole place and nearest neighbour is usually 30 - 50 miles away and he doesn't have transportation. The only way to get where he needs to go is to fly. There are no stores or anything, he has to have all his supplies flown in. These are remote northern communities in Canada. It is like we are just roommates now who share our home and our children. He is a good dad and the kids love him deeply, but they also ask me sometimes "why is dad so mean to you?". He won't go for counselling because he says there is nothing wrong and that if there is anything wrong, it is with me not him.


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## chrisalismom

Sensitive said:


> You deserve your own thread.
> 
> When I felt my worst depression, I was very disgusted with my husband, and hated the thought of him returning from work. I also thought how liberating it would be if he just died. I also reasoned that if I died, no one would watch the kids. Nowadays, I feel better, and I don't have any deathwishes.
> 
> Do you attend a church? There must be someone in your real life that you can talk to.


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## chrisalismom

No Sensitive, I do NOT attend church. We used to, when we were first married but not anymore. We live in the suburbs far from a church and I don't have a vehicle (my husband takes it to work everyday) and we can't afford to buy one, so I am stuck at home all day. On weekends, my husband likes to have the vehicle so we can take the kids to their respective events and so he can go to his hobbies. I usually just stay here. Sometimes, I will suggest we go somewhere as a family, and we do, but we don't usually have a good time because my husband usuallys says something hurtful to me. I only suggest these outings for the kids. I have been to my doctor and he says it is not depression (I have had depression before, and this feels different). When my husband is not around, I am much happier and feel lighter in my heart.

I honestly do NOT have a soul I can talk to. I have a cousin/friend who isn't truly there for me. I try to talk to her about it, but she doesn't understand and somehow the conversation goes to her and her problems.

She told me something once, though, she said the reason my parents and my husband treat me the way they do, is that they get away with it. She says I am "too nice". That used to be the case, and now when they treat me badly, I say something, but it seems to backfire and make them treat me even worse. When I stand up for myself to my husband, that's when he gets REALLY mad. Even my cousin takes advantage of me sometimes.

I think it must be me. There's an old expression that "50,000 people can't be wrong". So...I have to believe it is because I am a bad person or, maybe not a bad person, but an unworthy person. A nothing. 

I wish I had someone to talk to. At least I have this website.


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## dcrim

Chrisalismom, you do have someone to talk to. Us! And, yes, 50,000 people can be wrong! 

"So...I have to believe it is because I am a bad person or, maybe not a bad person, but an unworthy person. A nothing." simply isn't true. 

But, you do need to learn to stand up for yourself. When someone puts you down, leave them, walk away (if you can). Don't respond. Definately stop doing nice things. They must that their words/actions have consequencs.

And you're setting a very bad example for the kids! They will grow thinking this is normal.


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## voivod

funny about this world...how we say no one else can be responsible for your happiness or lack thereof...then when we get a chance, we charge someone else...

if you've been unhappy for one day, find a way to happiness...i sure hate to see a relationship that began with love end on demonization...50k in debt??? you never saw that coming?? and thats the source of your unhappiness??


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## chrisalismom

vovoid you don't understand. it is not that we are in debt $50,000 that is making me unhappy, it is that I cannot afford to leave my husband who IS making me unhappy.

Your answer just made me feel worse. It was so flippant. I am crying as I sit here. What do you mean "you never saw that coming????". You don't know what circumstances brought us to that debt. You make it sound like I'm an idiot. I get enuf of that from my husband and family.


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## chrisalismom

Dcrim: Thank you for your kind words and understanding. It is exactly the salve I needed right now. I know now I DO have someone to talk to, you people! I know I am setting a bad example for the kids, and I DO stand up for myself, but when I do that, my husband gets even angrier and yells and throws things so I find it's just easier to appease him rather than exacerbate the problem. The kids hear and see him yell when I stand up for myself, and for their sake, I just give in to him as then it is smoother for them.


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## voivod

chrisalismom said:


> vovoid you don't understand. it is not that we are in debt $50,000 that is making me unhappy, it is that I cannot afford to leave my husband who IS making me unhappy.
> 
> Your answer just made me feel worse. It was so flippant. I am crying as I sit here. What do you mean "you never saw that coming????". You don't know what circumstances brought us to that debt. You make it sound like I'm an idiot. I get enuf of that from my husband and family.


God no, i'm so sorry...but stop. one second...please...what is the source of you unhappiness?

you sound depressed. see your family doc and ask for a depression screen.


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## chrisalismom

voivod: I have had depression in the past, and this feels different. It is not depression. I went to my family doctor and he says it is not depression, it is unhappiness (depression is a medical condition, unhappiness is not). See, I am happy when my husband is not around but when he is around, I am unhappy. He is the source of my unhappiness, as is my parents and siblings. I cannot leave him as I am financially dependent upon him. I have looked for work, but at 47 years old and out of workforce for 12 years, I have had no luck. Have been looking for work for 4 years. I want to go back to school, but cannot afford it and cannot get a student loan because we are too far in debt.


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## voivod

chrisalismom said:


> voivod: I have had depression in the past, and this feels different. It is not depression. I went to my family doctor and he says it is not depression, it is unhappiness (depression is a medical condition, unhappiness is not). See, I am happy when my husband is not around but when he is around, I am unhappy. He is the source of my unhappiness, as is my parents and siblings. I cannot leave him as I am financially dependent upon him. I have looked for work, but at 47 years old and out of workforce for 12 years, I have had no luck. Have been looking for work for 4 years. I want to go back to school, but cannot afford it and cannot get a student loan because we are too far in debt.


okay, but you don't have to be depressed to see a counselor...unhappy is a good enough reason...whatever he represents in an unhappy place in your life is quite possibly what is making you unhappy. just like i cant diagnose depression, your family doctor cannot diagnose unhappiness. okay, he/she can see the symptoms, but can't treat it. you should let and educated therapists see your insides. i learned a crapload from mine when she let me in on the separation anxiety and fear of loss my wife has. i don't think its your husband, it's something he represents. he is a trigger to that emotion.

again, you must know, i meant no harm. my response was unempathetic. i get in those streaks. i'm truly sorry.


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## modernchica

Hi all. I did not read all posts in the entire thread but I can relate to everyone. But you know reading the posts and after submitting a thread of my own, I just have to ask myself. Why do we put up with this crap from other people, even if it is our spouse. My whole life I was this confident, goal oriented person. I was full of life and hope. When I met my husband all of those things changed. I gained weight, I had to move away from my family, and I am left feeling dead inside. Sometimes the only thing that gives me hope are thoughts of leaving and starting a new life. This could not be the relationship that I dreamed of. Why is it so hard to leave?


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## dcrim

Because leaving signifies the beginning of the end. And we don't like to see things, especially things we are so emotionally invested in. The heart is ruling...we need to get the head back in charge.


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## chrisalismom

voivod: I keep telling you and everyone out there that I would LOVE to go see a therapist but we simply cannot afford it and, even if we could, my husband would never allow me to go. Before you say "go when he's not home", I must tell you that I don't have a vehicle. My husband takes it to work everyday, thus leaving me alone and isolated here. I have no friends that could take me and no buses run where I am as we are way out in the suburbs.

I am trapped.


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## hopelessilillinois

I feel for you Katy44. My husband is a master at arguing. I really feel anymore the only way he feels good is by proving his point and making others feel bad. He does this to me and our grown children all the time. He says we can't communicate but the real problem is he only wants to hear his side and have me agree and comply. Often times i wish he would just leave. I would not be much happier but i would be less miserable.


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## Everest

chrisalismom said:


> voivod: I keep telling you and everyone out there that I would LOVE to go see a therapist but we simply cannot afford it and, even if we could, my husband would never allow me to go. Before you say "go when he's not home", I must tell you that I don't have a vehicle. My husband takes it to work everyday, thus leaving me alone and isolated here. I have no friends that could take me and no buses run where I am as we are way out in the suburbs.
> 
> I am trapped.


I can offer advice on "options". My parents always told me that you can do anything in the world you want to so long as you put your mind to it. 
Therapists. Sadly, a therapist is usually a person that has a 4 year degree in sociology, counseling or something. In my university, an electrical engineer and a geography major were only separated by 12 different courses. The first two and a half years of most programs are required courses in history, math and englich. So my advice, is that despite the image of a very insightful near genius of a counselor you see on TV, the reality is most likely very different where you pay dearly to speak for 55 minutes or 25 minutes and they could care less if you live or die once the billable moment is over. You speak - they listen with the general theory is that you have to work things out yourself. 

OPTION.
I ran across a program years ago "Volunteers for Israel". I am not Jewish, but this program pays for you to go for 6 months or more and work on an Israeli farm or kibbutz. I did it - it changes your life for sure, but offers a "Free escape" that you can open your eyes to the real world and consider your options looking from the outside in. 

The military has a great program called a "job"... you sign up, they pay you no matter how bad the economy is. They train you, house you, feed you, give you health insurance, and give your kids a place to stay, etc. I don't know the age for just signing up, but so long as you are not a drug addict or felon, you have a shot. If you are either of those two, then you deal with the consequences anyway. 

There are jobs out there. There may not be in your home town or the place "you have lived all your life..." Well, people need to adapt and change or die. Simple - Adapt or die. 

There is a book by Dale Carnegie about "worry". Basic gem I learned form that was that if you just assume that this moment is the worst it can possibly be - then why worry - the stress goes away. At that point, all you have to do is take the first step. Martin Luther King said "all you have to do is take the first step - you don't have to see the whole staircase." I don't like the guy but its true. 

Feeling good or bad doesn't do anything - movement does. Feeling bad or lousy will not change, but only amplify over time fact of life. ONLY changing your environment or relocating will change things. It is NOT a single "Big Decision" - but rather all decisions are a "serious of decisions" so if the initial decision is bad or change for the worse, then reevaluate and change again. Looking at a slot machine with a losing combination will not change - rather you have to keep pulling the lever no matter what the odds or you are guaranteed never to win. Edison said that before he invented the lightbulb, he "found a 1000 ways not to make one". 
What you feel is entirely up to you. You can strengthen your mind and accept and rethink what the feeling means to you. OR you can change the stimuli that evoke the feelings. In either case it is up to you. "The saddest words in Tongue or Pen are these... that might have been." 20 letters, 10 words - IF IT IS TO BE IT IS UP TO ME. If you don't act, then you deserve what you feel.


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## Cn1029

chrisalismom said:


> Katy:
> 
> As I sit here, my eyes blurry with tears, I am in fear. I am in fear because I don't know where to go or what to do. I, too, feel dead inside.
> 
> I have been married 14 years this July and it has been very unhappy for about 5 years now. I am 47 years old and have 2 children, ages 12 and 11 whom I love dearly, but I find myself yelling at them in an uncontrollable rage when I am upset at my husband.
> 
> You see, my husband represses me. He gets angry over little things, and expresses that anger by yelling or throwing the object he's upset at, or whatever. But when I get upset, he gets even angrier. If I call his attention to something that he has done (even in a nice way) he will twist my words and yell at me. The same rules don't seem to apply to me.
> 
> I am the youngest of 5 children and my parents treat me like crap. When I was in hospital having my 2 kids, they never came to visit me even once. I had a complete hysterectomy in 2001 and was in hospital for 8 days and they never came to see me or even called me once. Yet, when one of my siblings gets the flu, or needs anything, they are there for them. Whenever I try to talk to my mom about my problems, she will say "you're bringing me down". I have no friends, though when I was in my 20's and 30's I had many, many friends. I have NO support group. On father's day, my husband, kids and myself, went to my parent's home to see my dad, and mom was being very hurtful again. She was telling me that when they pass away, the other 4 siblings will receive $10,000 each, and each of their children will receive $5,000 each. She then told me that I would get $525.00 and that my kids would each get $200.00. They have a dog and, in front of all my siblings and other guests, my mom said "Inuk (the dog) is like our 5th child" and I had to remind her that I was her 5th child. After we left and came home, I was crying and hoping to get some sort of comfort from my husband (who always makes excuses for my parents) and when I said to him "how can you defend them? You are the only person I have, and I look to you to be the guy to comfort me" and he looked at me and said "what if I don't want to BE that guy?" I am still devastated today. He is out of town on business and comes home today. The thought of him coming home makes me want to cry. My hands are sweating and I feel sick in my stomach. I keep wishing he would have a car accident and just die, or a heart attack or something.
> 
> I cannot leave him because I am financially dependent on him. I am a full-time stay-at-home mom and haven't worked outside the home in 13 years. We are in debt over $50,000 and that doesn't include the mortgage. I am in my late 40's and feel like I am 90 years old.
> 
> I have tried to tell my husband that when you love someone, you are supposed to be there for them to comfort them and support them. When I say that to him, he just yells at me and says hurtful things.
> 
> We haven't had sex in 3 years and he sleeps on the couch. When we were first married we were so happy! But that all changed about 5 or 6 years ago and I don't know why. It is affecting my kids too. When I talk to my husband, he never listens, he NEVER looks at me when I speak and this causes a lot of misunderstandings. Now my children are starting to not listen to me and not look at me when I speak. He has become so selfish. I never know what is going to upset him. Some days just saying good morning will set him off and other days it won't. I am constantly feeling off-guard. I am trapped, and often wish I could just curl up and die. I would never kill myself because I have 2 kids who are my everything, but sometimes I wish I could have a heart attack or cancer or something so I could just leave this world. I am not close to any of my siblings. They have all told me to my face that they don't like me. My parents are indifferent and I have nobody to tell this to. I can't afford a therapist and even if I could, my husband would never let me go.
> 
> I am scared and want this to be over.
> 
> Help me


Hi how are things going now, I know it has been years since you posted, I am only just reading this now. I'm curious how things turned out for you. You really sounded stuck and in need of support. Love to hear how you're going.


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## Lila

Zombie thread. Closing


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