# Perfect Lady - Not Happy - Am I Wrong?



## VAhasnoWAVES (Jun 2, 2012)

hi there, first post here... 
but after reading a few threads it seams some of you are far more logical than some of the forums i frequent (for other interests) and thought id ask a question seeking some outside thoughts.

here we go, ill try to keep this short.

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shortly after moving to a new state to go to school, i met a woman i fell in love with (to my knowledge of what love is). i have been dating this girl for about a year and a hlf. she is an amazing woman. college grad, almost done with grad school, sophisticated, caring, extremely hard working, alway positive, and very physically attractive. 

but i keep telling myself i am unhappy. my biggest gripe is her cool, collected nature. i wouldnt say she is prudent, but very... (for lack of a better word...) non "intense". which is quite the opposite of me. ive played many sports competatively, i persue many action sports, i am the kind of person who will get 48 hours off of work and randomly go camping with the MRE and hammock that is always in the back of my car. while, with her... everything is very thought out, very methodical, and almost choreographed. this is not me... i have a hard time making it to work on time. not that im lazy, i just cant make schedules because i never keep them. i was even born late...

joking aside... i feel my life is slowing down, when in my early 20s, it should be just starting. i have dreams, very grand ambitions, and i hate being asked "how does so-and-so fit into these plans?" they are my dreams, am i supposed to stop dreaming? all the while, i know she is ready forever. which is a very scary concept to me. am i ready for that? do i want that? define forever?

i find myself bored. now, upon moving to this state from my home of over 20 years, i have not been single. doing some sole searching, i think i try to fill my unhappiness with this place with someone, and get bored once the fire dwindles down. thats not right, im sure someone will say that. but i suppose its my (unhealthy) coping mechanism.

but i find my mind wandering. not to other people essentially... just to these, and a number of others things. i start to knit pick, and disect her. but then i stop, think, "wait, she is this amazing woman. i will likely not find another one like her? why am i thinking these things? i am a moron and she doesnt deserve this."

but reality is that i am unhappy at the moment...
so do i stoke the fire? how?
do i cut my loses and move on?
do i play the single game for a while in hopes she will be there when ive figured myself out?

"i dont want to hurt her." but at this point... something has got to happen. im sure she will problem solve up some sort of game plan t get us on track to fix things, but i have pretty efficiently convinced myself that i am not happy.

thoughts?
(great, this turned out a LOT longer than i wanted. guess no one will read it. lol)


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Welcome!
Are you married or dating?
If you're dating then I'd say move on. Yes it will hurt her but it's better to hurt her now than a few years down the line when your married and possibly have kids.
She's sounds like a great girl, you sound like a fun adventurous guy, just sounds like youre not comparable. Unless you are both willing to compromise In some way then I really think its not going to work out.
Have you tried talking to her about how you feel?
Has she told you how she is feeling about all of this.
I've been married 18 years. We have just come through a very bad patch but H and I have always been on the same wavelength as far as future plans and ambitions were concerned
Good luck to you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VAhasnoWAVES (Jun 2, 2012)

dating.

i hate all my exes with a passion. to the point of slandering their name if i see them on the street. but i could in no way dislike this woman. so i suppose that is why i am conflicted. she is ying, and im yang. i suppose that is the initial attraction between us. a lot of her qualities are ones that i desire for myself. but... is that alright to desire?

what i desire is a lover, yet a rival, an arch enemy. someone to compete with (i am a very competative person, and she is very non). i often tell her, "just try. even if i am better than you, ill likely let you win. i just want to see you try." she says she likes being in my presence, alas, i want someone i have to keep up with. not just simply be around.

im pretty much checked out... but i know as soon as i go, ill miss her.
(gotta have the cake and eat it too right?)


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Yes it kinda sounds like she isn't exciting enough for you, not enough of a challenge maybe?
Is she like any of your other exes? Or were they more like you?
I think, that maybe your just not ready to settle down yet, and there's nothing wrong with that. Just be kind to her and if you do break it off just be honest about the reasons why.
If she doesn't stimulate you enough now while you are dating, this won't change, she can't change herself into something she's not. But remember for the future, all relationships need some compromise and adaptation from each person, but that doesn't mean changing the person you are to make someone else happy.
Let us know how you get on.
DG
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## elliejane (Jun 1, 2012)

To me it sounds like you already know what you want to do....know when to walk away Id say....


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Move on. Your posts suggest to me you are aren't mature enough to settle down and have an adult relationship. You are simply wrapped up in playing. Not to say that is bad, it just is. She's not in the same place you are. Better to end it now.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Hi VA and welcome.It's better you're having your doubts now and haven't committed to something more permanent.This is a BF/GF relationship and its usually in those where we all are asking or should be asking pretty much the same questions as you.What are my needs and expectations and what are hers? Imo, the only way to really do that is to sit and have really open and honest discussions about it with her.While there has to be some give and take in any relationship,I'm sure that both of you have some deal-breakers that are firm in both your minds.It's up to you both to decide whether they are agreeable to you both or insurmountable.Communication is key,so don't leave your GF out of the loop as she is obviously a vital part of any decisions you'll be making.Hope this was a bit of a help and I'm sure others will have some good advice to offer.Take care.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

she's someone's perfect lady

just not yours


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## VAhasnoWAVES (Jun 2, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Yes it kinda sounds like she isn't exciting enough for you, not enough of a challenge maybe?


i suppose thats part of it. but is it fair to pin the lack of excitement on her, or should i blame myself?

i know little of this state and look to my significant other for suggestions. things to do, places to go, sights to see. i still slowly learning. i know of others doing incredible things, but we never seem to make adventures happen.



KanDo said:


> Your posts suggest to me you are aren't mature enough to settle down and have an adult relationship. You are simply wrapped up in playing.


not to argue... but maybe you can define an "adult relationship" for me? i feel it is very different from what i desire to do with my life.



Dollystanford said:


> she's someone's perfect lady
> 
> just not yours


*sigh*

in out courting stages i did tell her, "your going to make someone very happy one day, even if its not me."
guess its time to **** or get off the pot.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I don't think it's a case of being right or wrong. I think it's more a case of your interests / lifestyles not being in sync. Perhaps it's time to look for someone who shares more of your own.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

You're type A personality & she definitely isn't. Just because she is a wonderful woman, is attractive & has all her ducks in a row.. .does NOT mean she is necessarily your lifelong soulmate.

It really sounds like you are Not ready for that part of your life yet. Cut the ties. Make it a clean friendly break. Years down the line, if it is really "meant to be" with this woman, things will work back out. Life has a way of coming round full circle.

But, to me, it really sounds as if she is not "the one" for you. I don't think you are ready to meet "the one" yet. Live your life, be happy, do the spontaneous things you want to. 

When you ARE ready to settle down further down in lifes road.. you can look back & see the types of women you DO & don't want to meet for that future wife/life. You will appreciate the time you've had with this smart, wise, wonderful woman.. But, just because she is all of those things, does not make you have an obligation to cut your life short now.

YOu would probably resent it in a few years & end up leaving anyway. Until you are ready to make a permanent nest... fly away.. fly away & be free like a bird.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Thing is, if you are looking for a spouse to challenge you or be competitive with, be careful what you are really asking for. If its competition you need it may be healthier to do that among men, then you would have a queen in your corner. However it sounds to me like the problem is she is holding you back, or you feel like she is anyway, from pursuing the adventures you want in life. In which case yeah maybe you aren't compatible, it is good for you to address this NOW and not when you have married and started a family, believe me!

F.T.R. my ex and I split for the same reasons but, her apparently being the more adventurous one, she basically said I was her anchor keeping her from going the places she wanted. It would have saved a world of hurt if she had decided that long before - and as the one that wants to go places I think it is your responsibility to choose, because you are the one that is trying to change the status quo. Good luck on your decision!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Some people really NEED to get some WILDNESS & adventure out of their system to help them find themselves, come to the end of that rainbow before they can settle down & say... .."I lived my youth the way I wanted to - I didn't miss a thing"...and even lived to tell about it! 

I also believe you & her are simply not compatable.... the lifestyles do NOT sinc and if you try to push this cause you hold her as someone you may never meet again, a worthy woman...... what will happen is..... you will grow to *resent* her for holding you back & not living the life you have envisioned for some time, it is a part of you. It needs beat out of you by experience it seems. 

When I was dating, I was similar to your GF, I was very stable, always on time, had specific dreams, plans, schedules, there is no way in this world I could have been with someone who wanted to live by the seat of his pants & couldn't see his future with some sort of visable plan - Mr Adventure man would be at the bottom of my list for what would be working for me. 

A woman has to feel she IS a large part of your adventure. 

I understand needing a challenge but have to agee with Lon- to a certain extent....I think we can get some of that from Friends even ....watch what you wish for. 

I did a thread for those who are still single, things I feel can make or break a marraige - best to learn & undertand the reality NOW...or let it go...let it die a slow death, be sure to be compatible ....Is there anything we can do better for ourselves in relation to choosing a partner in life....

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ility-b4-vows-beyond-marital-harmony-joy.html


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## VAhasnoWAVES (Jun 2, 2012)

Chelle D said:


> You're type A personality & she definitely isn't. Just because she is a wonderful woman, is attractive & has all her ducks in a row.. .does NOT mean she is necessarily your lifelong soulmate.


she deffinantly has her ducks in a row. which is what i feel like i will have a hard time finding again. but as a meteorology major... lightning does in fact strike twice. guess ill be optimistic.



Lon said:


> Thing is, if you are looking for a spouse to challenge you or be competitive with, be careful what you are really asking for.


fair statement. i guess it needs further explaining...

i often spend gobs of time with my significant other. they become my best friend. as an athlete, i find competition to be good and would encourage anyone to compete in what ever field they are comfortable. i would call any competition, sport by definition. and a motto i live by is that, "sports do not build character, they reveal it." with that said, how one reacts to competition shows me a great deal about their character. i never claimed someone had to be the best... just try, and try hard. because i try hard at everything i do, since its worth doing in the first place. but maybe competition isnt the right word to use in this desire of mine... i need to find an antonym.

obviously this is not my only filter for a lady. but its one that i may need to work on.











the damage has been done though. time to let the dust settle. 

EDIT:thank you for the link "Simply," ill be sure to give it a read.


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## Mmommy1 (Jun 1, 2012)

If you're not happy the best thing to do would be to move on. Sometimes being away from someone for a bit of time will make you realize just how important...or not important they really are to your happiness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

:iagree:


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## Encore DT (May 29, 2012)

Sounds like you guys are just not a good fit for each other. Plus, in your early 20s you may or may not already know what you ACTUALLY want. Once you find a lady who will keep you "on [your] toes", it may help you clarify what you want long term.


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