# Now what could go wrong?



## catsy101 (Aug 3, 2010)

Our anniversary is now ruined. Any GOOD ideas on what to do for a 10th anniversary with very little cash? I've read lots of sites and nothing seems to have anything I would like. This sux. Maybe this is fate saying go ahead, get a divorce?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

A quiet dinner at a local, inexpensive restaurant.

To discuss divorce?


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

We just had our 10th anniversary a few weeks ago. We just went out to eat and spent the night together. We don't really have money problems, nor any relationship problems. We just both felt that there were better things to spend our money on... 

Why DO you have to spend a lot of money or have a lavish party to celebrate an anniversary? Why do you have to have expensive gifts for each other, etc??


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## writing2010 (Aug 5, 2010)

catsy101 said:


> Our anniversary is now ruined. Any GOOD ideas on what to do for a 10th anniversary with very little cash? I've read lots of sites and nothing seems to have anything I would like. This sux. Maybe this is fate saying go ahead, get a divorce?


How is having very little cash a sign to a divorce? Is there anything you and H like to do together that doesn't involve cash? 

I think my husband would think, a slap on the rear and a promise to do anything he wanted in bed, would be a perfect way to celebrate an anniversary. That's free too! I might also have to feed him afterward, but hey, a burger would be a perfect anniversary dinner as long as we're having fun.


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## catsy101 (Aug 3, 2010)

We have so many problems it just seems like everything goes wrong. It's almost like fate is saying, break up. We want different things. After ten yrs of marriage we just disagree about everything. Such as.... I want another baby. He wants a vasectomy. Which I have told him hell no I will leave your ass if u do. So he doesn't but he still does not want another child and I do. And I want to move back to the East coast. He does not. I do. I want him to leave his job because they suck, he barely makes enough to keep us afloat, I want to move to east coast and he would HAVE to leave his job to do that, he wants to stay there forever or until we end up in the poor house. 

And to top it off, the one night I want us to be together and do something fun and we can't. Last yr, we went to a local amusement park and went on all the rides and ate at the nice rest. there, and had fun, we r both roller coaster enthusiasts, and just found out the amusement park isn't going to be open anywhere near our anniversary this yr, they said, we didn't have enough people here in October, so we r closing beginning of Sept. And my hubby and I were going to make this an every anniversary thing. I am so frustrated. So I asked my hubby about him and I going to the hot springs this yr and leave the kids with his parents so we could spend the weekend. It IS our 10TH anniversary and I think that should be a BIG thing.

He was like, yeah like thats not a $500 trip! I was like, we could just spend 2 nights, that costs $80 a night, and he was like GAS, FOOD, ETC. NO. 

The romance is so gone. It's been gone for a while. We barely even have sex anymore. Thinking about us, the way we USED to be makes me want to just cry. Because now we are nothing like that. It's like, we tolerate each other. I was trying to rekindle the romance but it's gone and I honestly don't even FEEL like trying. It's depressing. I can't afford counseling for us. I just dont know where to turn.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go to the library and get the book His Needs Her Needs and read it.


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## writing2010 (Aug 5, 2010)

Sorry, Catsy, but it sounds like it's all about what YOU want without any consideration for your husband.

You want a child, without considering how your husband feels about feeding another mouth while he's barely keeping the family afloat.

You want to move to the East Coast. Again, how does your husband feel about the insecurity of leaving his job and trying to support the family?

You want your 10th Anniversary to be a big deal, which means spending money you don't have. Why can't it be a big deal without spending any money? Regaining romance doesn't have to involve cash.

All this is some "fateful" sign to head for divorce? You say you can't afford counseling, but where's the money for another child and the anniversary trip coming from? Sorry if I'm being harsh, it just seems one sided reading your post. 

There might be valid reasons for you to feel about your marriage, that you do; but, a big Anniversary trip will not help. Take Tunera's advise and buy the book "His Needs Her needs". It's cheap and probably the best way to celebrate the 10 Years you've been together - learning how to stay together 10 more years.


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## catsy101 (Aug 3, 2010)

I do NOT think I am asking too much when he can't even come thru for me on one of the things I want at least. This marriage is all take take take for him and nothing left for what I want. I am kind of thinking about having an affair that's how much I miss sex, I dont want to "READ A BOOK" to help our marriage when I am sick of it. This whole thing just plain SUX.


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## catsy101 (Aug 3, 2010)

And married 10 YRS? Yes I would say that SHOULD be a big thing.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

catsy, the plain thing is, you BOTH owe each other a certain amount of respect. Often, like after 10 years, people become complacent. It requires you (1) negotiating and informing and (2) giving the other a reason to want to negotiate.

Right now, you feel like HE is the problem. All his fault. I promise you, that is not the truth. I said the same thing, until I took a good hard look at myself and realized WHY he had stopped doing things for me.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Catsy101,
I hear the pain and anger in your post. I really do. Totally understandable. You feel let down, taken advantage of and that your needs, wishes and wants weren't being met. 10 years IS a big deal especially when you have dealt with so many years of bad things in your marriage. 
I am trying to be gentle now so please don't take this the wrong way. Why is celebrating this anniversary important to you if by your own words the marriage didn't sound all that awesome? I think it is because you do in fact want this milestone occasion to be something of a rekindling of love, of what you used to have in the beginning, despite your doomed prediction. I think that is also why you also want to have another child and move back East. A fresh start if you will. I don't think you want to have an affair, I think you want to feel love, respect and warmth from somebody who is supposed to give that to you. You will not get that from an affair.
All of the things you want can be easily had. It doesn't have to involve another child or a move which can put even more stress on an already stressed out marriage. 
Do you guys talk, I mean really talk with one another? Can you share your hopes and dreams for the present and future? If you two can break down those walls of pain, anger and resentment you could come to learn so much about each other. Your ten year anniversary is a very big deal, so big in fact that if you two are willing to spend the day talking with one another it can be trully be the best day of your life. Go somewhere, anywhere and just talk and listen. You could go and have a picnic in the park and spend hours together. You could go to an art museum and learn what the other person loves. You could download a great 5 course meal recipe online and go to the grocery store together, buy what you need and come home and learn to work together to make that meal. These are all things that can reconnect the two of you. It can rekindle a flame.


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## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

I get what you are saying catsy, ten years is a big deal and it's upsetting when we can't celebrate the way we hoped. It seems that maybe you are feeling pretty down and uncertain about the future of your marriage and you thought your anniversary would improve things or give you some answers? Though tempting, it's probably not wise to stake your ten year marriage on one holiday. 

As far as celebrating your anniversary goes you could:
Go to the amusement park on an earlier date and celebrate as you would. 
Go to a natural hot spring. Search online or get a book at the library. You can camp and just pay for gas and food. 
See if there is a concert or sporting event that you'd like to attend.
Make, order in, or go out for dinner, then watch favorite movies. 
What about going to Leavenworth for a night and celebrate Oktoberfest? (Think I remember you saying you live in WA in another post?)


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Brennan said:


> Catsy101,
> I think that is also why you also want to have another child and move back East. A fresh start if you will. I don't think you want to have an affair, I think you want to feel love, respect and warmth from somebody who is supposed to give that to you. You will not get that from an affair.


We've been married 30 years. The first house, my H already owned; I moved in with him, and I never felt at home. He never did the things I asked for, concentrated on what he wanted for it. 

So I wanted to move; we bought a fancy nice house in a nice neighborhood, but he never took care of it; all kinds of issues but basically the house started falling apart. I was ashamed to have people over. Our relationship got worse because I couldn't get him to do anything. But half of that problem was me because I'd be commenting, and hoping he'd 'get it' and do what mattered to ME. He didn't.

We moved again after 8 years to an even more fabulous home. I had grand plans for an even better home and marriage. But we both brought the same problems we always had to this new home. Now, 8 years later, he still hasn't hung up the curtains I bought 8 years ago in the bathroom. The garage is filled to the rafters with his junk. There's been a hole in the ceiling for 4 years. I'm miserable again.

Half because he doesn't like to 'deal' with things, but half because I don't like to make waves because he gripes at me.

Nothing has changed in the marriage. It doesn't matter where we live, we will still be miserable because we aren't addressing the REAL problems in our relationship.

Having a kid, moving back East...those things won't make you happy. Only facing the truth and working on your relationship will make a difference.


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## catsy101 (Aug 3, 2010)

Brennan thank you. I think you hit the nail on the head on all the things you said.


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

catsy101 said:


> I do NOT think I am asking too much when he can't even come thru for me on one of the things I want at least. This marriage is all take take take for him and nothing left for what I want. I am kind of thinking about having an affair that's how much I miss sex, I dont want to "READ A BOOK" to help our marriage when I am sick of it. This whole thing just plain SUX.


Oh my goodness- I replied to another one of your posts asking you what you DID have to be grateful and you never responded to that. He couldn't even come through on one thing? It isn't his fault the amusement park is going to be closed?!? I know you are trying to make him look bad, but he really doesn't sound that awful...sorry. 

I don't even know where to start- you moved to where his family was because you were living in a bad neighborhood and your family at the time wasn't able to help and his was- you only want another baby because you want a girl- he has told you he's willing to adopt, but doesn't want another baby (it's a 50/50 chance of having a 4th boy) 

Stop playing the victim here- You have sooo much to be grateful for- he gave you 3 children- you want more- you moved to be safe- I'm guessing you are able to be a stay at home mother since you don't mention working and want him to quit his job which is the only means to support your family. I really don't think having an affair is going to help your situation- how could it help?

I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but I doubt there is anything he could do to please you- just TRY thinking of the things you have to be grateful for- 3 healthy kids, a husband that sticks up for you (from reading your other posts), a safe home- nothing in life is ever going to be perfect- just try being happy with what you have- you will probably get more with showing your husband that you are grateful for what he does do then to constantly tell him that he doesn't amount to anything you want.


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## catsy101 (Aug 3, 2010)

A lot of other things r happening. And no I don't blame him for the amusement park being closed. I blame him for not wanting to do something big and romantic. And as for the stuff he does wrong, I will tell you what, don't have sex with your partner for six + months and then tell me how YOU feel about your marriage.


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

You said yourself that you guys couldn't afford to do something big and romantic- so do something within your means. 

And I went a year and a half without having sex with my ex-husband- he liked watching porn more then the real thing, but I never cheated on him. He also drank to the point of being hospitalized, stole pain killers, lied, wouldn't come home on the weekends at times from drinking too much, drank and drove... I could go on, but I still have some good memories of the good things he did for me- I'm grateful for those- not sorry I left, but hope he gets his life together and is happy someday. 

You are responsible for your happiness too- you have to make an effort to make yourself happy- you can't rely on someone to do everything you want in order to feel happy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The point is, there are things you can do to CHANGE how you and your husband interact. If you go around thinking it's all on HIM, well, you are very very wrong. Being a martyr does NOT get the attention you're seeking. Setting boundaries, opening up SAFE discussion with him, asking him how HE feels...those things do.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I don't think you are being a victim or a martyr at all. I think you are at the end of your rope after being married to a "taker".
Would any of my previous suggestions be something you would be willing to do? Of COURSE you want him to "man up" for this occasion but sometimes the better person extends the proverbial olive branch.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Turnera,
What you quoted about my post was only a snippet of it. Towards the end I mentioned that having another baby and moving back East would not make her any happier, actually probably more stressed. 
I totally agree with you that the problems that are current will only follow.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Brennan, I wasn't denying anything you said. I was expanding on it.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

We lived in England, Oman, Egypt and Portugal. In England we lived in five different places. Had some wonderful times. The last move from England to Portugal was a wonderful decluttering exercise. House sold, no mortgage, direct debits stopped, loft, garage and workshop cleared out. Only clothing in the back of the car on our new journey. It felt fabulous.

What I didn’t realise was that with every move we’d packed an extra invisible suitcase. In that invisible suitcase was getting stacked all the issues that were never addressed in our marriage. All the things my wife was resentful about. I could never get my wife to counselling. At times they’d come up, some from over 20 years ago and I’d have to deal with the same issue all over again. I wish I knew I was carrying that invisible suitcase.

Catsy101 you do sound resentful and I’m not at all saying your resentment is not valid. Not at all. But do talk with your husband and let him know just how resentful you are and why your are resentful but at the same time take my advice and also tell him just how much you appreciate him and what you appreciate him for. Or you could take my approach. I’ve forgiven my wife affairs and quite a bit of emotional abuse. But her resentment of me, the one who literally paid all the bills for 37 years and loved her like nobody’s business I just couldn’t take that anymore. Now she’s by herself and “She wakes up in the night and cries because I’m not by her side”. I’m just about no longer carrying that invisible suitcase and I feel good inside.

Bob


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

AFEH said:


> We lived in England, Oman, Egypt and Portugal. In England we lived in five different places. Had some wonderful times. The last move from England to Portugal was a wonderful decluttering exercise. House sold, no mortgage, direct debits stopped, loft, garage and workshop cleared out. Only clothing in the back of the car on our new journey. It felt fabulous.


The first house we moved from I expected H to leave behind all the junk. He boxed it all up, said he didn't have time to go through it all, would do it when we got to the new house. Never did. When we moved to the next house, 8 years later, those boxes came with us, as did all the boxes from the junk he'd accumulated from that house. I was too weak to stand up to him and say no. Today, we have a 3-car garage and can barely squeeze the lawnmower in it, because the rest is filled to the rafters with his stuff that he refuses to go through. You have NO IDEA how badly that weighs on my mind, feeds my resentment. 

But at the same time, it also makes me hate myself, because I don't do anything about it.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Gotta laugh, right? I’m in a new house, no clutter, minimalistic wotsit.

I found it tough when selling the house, tough to know what to do with the stuff. Three times I went through the loft, this goes, that stays sort of thing. Same with the garage and workshop. I ended up selling some, giving some away and dumping the rest.

Do you have a plan for the garage, what you would like to do with it when it’s decluttered? Why not tell your husband you’re getting friends round to help you get it sorted out? He can stand there and watch and put to one side what he wants to keep. The rest you can sell on eBay, have a garage sale or sell or give away to family and friends.

Sorry Catsy101 about a hijack of your thread.

Bob






turnera said:


> The first house we moved from I expected H to leave behind all the junk. He boxed it all up, said he didn't have time to go through it all, would do it when we got to the new house. Never did. When we moved to the next house, 8 years later, those boxes came with us, as did all the boxes from the junk he'd accumulated from that house. I was too weak to stand up to him and say no. Today, we have a 3-car garage and can barely squeeze the lawnmower in it, because the rest is filled to the rafters with his stuff that he refuses to go through. You have NO IDEA how badly that weighs on my mind, feeds my resentment.
> 
> But at the same time, it also makes me hate myself, because I don't do anything about it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm working on it. When my mom was alive, she was going to pay for one of those big dumpsters, lol. I may still do that.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Have you ever heard the saying, "Bloom where where you're planted."?

If you don't try to be happy, actively try to be happy, it won't matter where you are: next door to your mom, or at the South Pole.

If you haven't had sex with your husband in many months, then change that this weekend.

You have the potential to be happy, to solve your economics, and rekindle love.

Apply for work. Find something that allows you work while kids are in school.

Or find something that pays significantly more than daycare costs or it won't be worth it.

Your job search will take awhile, These are tough times.

Stop entertaining the fantasy that your husband quitting his job is a good idea. It is not.

Read the newspaper, find out how hard it is out there.

If he could find employment on the East Coast that would be great--if he did it before moving.

Moving costs many thousands of dollars so it would have to be a great job.

If you want to celebrate your anniversary and you are broke, YOU find something, some way to do it. Waiting for him is pointless. Your husband is the man you married. I doubt he has changed.


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