# Adult sibling competitiveness....



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

How do you handle this? My two older sisters are very much education and career focused which is fine...but it bugs me when my one sister will tell me how much she makes, I got another raise today she will say now I am making this much, etc. etc. She sent me an email last week saying she got another raise, all I said was congrats! THen she phoned me later to tell me exactly how much of a raise she got and how much she is making now...


I have a degree as well but will never make what she makes..mainly because it is nobody's business plus I am not interested in getting into some kind of salary comparision bs thing.


I always get the feeling that between us three girls (mainly my two sisters, as I have zero interest in participating in that crap), that there is an underlying need to show each other up....I have no desire to do that and do not disclose what I make, etc. to either of them...but they often will brag about their education, salaries, etc.

How would you handle this?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

If it was me, I would leave them alone and let them continue to try to one-up each other. Just because they're competitive doesn't mean that you have to play their little game. Their behavior is all about their personal insecurities, and doesn't really have anything to do with you. And they're not going to change their behavior; they are who they are.

When one of them brings up something like that one-on-one, you can say, "Congratulations, I'm really proud of you," and then move the conversation on to something else. (If they brag about their degrees or whatever, you can say something like, "Yes, I'm aware, I was there for your 4-hr graduation ceremony" or something else.) If they do it in shared company, you can politely excuse yourself to powder your nose, or speak with other guests, or to get yourself another drink, whatever you need to do to make yourself scarce.

If they pester you for information about your salary, just give them a demur Mona Lisa smile and say something like, "A lady never tells..." And if they continue to pester you, just keep mum with your Mona Lisa smile, it will drive them up a wall if they are that competitive!

Listen, it's only a competition if you agree to compete. It sounds like you don't want to compete, so just don't play their game.

But... one question to ask yourself: Are you sure they are the ones being competitive? Or does it just _feel_ like competition to you, because you think you've failed to keep up, and that makes you feel bad? I'm not saying that you are, but it's a worthwhile question to consider. Just as their actions are really about them and their issues, your re-actions are just as much about you and your issues. Is it possible that they are proud of their accomplishments, and they wish their sister could be proud of them, too?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ignore it


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

The only way to deal with it is not compete, I have a sister just like this and she does it with everything. Haha, I am now competing with you for who has the most competitive sister. Mine does it with education, the size of our engagement rings, weddings, homes, salaries, our bodies...It is endless and exhausting. I just let her spout off about whatever she wants and tell her what a fabulous and great life she has. It is no skin off my back, I am happy with my life and don't feel like I need her validation that it is pretty darn good.

I can be really annoying, if you allow it to be. It has always left me feeling a bit sorry for my sister, because she has a great life and she should be just enjoying it. In her case she is always looking around at those who have more and feeling competitive. I always look around and see so many who have so much less and feel gratitude.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

I agree that competitiveness is a highly annoying personality trait.

There are simply two types in this regard. Those that need the constant validation and approval of outsiders and those that only need to feel internally validated.

The first type are often very unhappy, unsatisfied people. They measure themselves against everyone else and only feel ok only when they perceive themselves as ranking above someone else. They're constantly bragging...particularly on social media. They project an image of what they want to be rather than what they actually are. Their fake reality is generally more important to them than the actual quality of their life and the happiness of the people in their life.

The second type set their own goals. They care about their own internal validation or the validation of their closest loved ones who's opinion they value. They pretty much walk through the world not giving a rat's butt what anyone else thinks as long as they feel that personally they're on the right path. They don't feel the need to rank themselves against others and pretty much don't care what anyone else is doing.

All you need to do is feel lucky that you're the second type. People that fall into the first type are generally unhappy because ranking yourself against others to find fulfillment is always is a failing proposition. There will always be someone who's better off than you in any given area. 

So feel sorry for her...she's probably not a very happy person. She's projecting an image...not living a life. And next time she tries to start down this road...tell her you're happy for her and re-direct the conversation.

Also, its not unusual for someone like this to use what she's doing as a cover-up for something painful or difficult going on in her life....so listen for clues to that so that maybe you can help her out since she is your sister. (If she wasn't your sister, I'd suggest you limit the amount of conversation you have with her).


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

When I was a kid and basically all through my teens my sister was always competitive. For example, I would see 1 bunny. She would see 3 bunnies. This is how it went for years. I have not really talked to her at length for 20 years. Said noting to her in the last 3 years. Tired of the nonsense. Oh well.

Siblings. Love them but you don't have to like them.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I don't have any siblings.. so never in this situation.. have you ever considered just telling her how you feel about it ? ... I mean.. call her on it... Ask her why the need to say these things to you.. that you feel she is trying to "one up you" or something.. and it's baffling to you.. 

If I was in this situation... I'd have to open it up like that...have a heart to heart about it...I tend to be a straight shooter with people.... it kinda puts them in the HOT seat at times.. but it also can bring you closer -if one opens up.. could bring them down to earth some too.. or it could backfire.. but what do you have to loose.. it's your feelings.. and many would feel the same as you.. She wouldn't like it either if she was in your shoes..


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