# I think MY DAD is having and affair



## aboki (Oct 29, 2012)

To begin with, English is not my first language so I apologize if there's any grammatical or semantic mistake.

I know this is a Married People's forum but I thought this might be the best place to get some advice and some kind of explanation from a parent point of view.

I'm 21 younger daughter of three girls (29, 30) so as far as you can see my mom has already "closed the factory".

First, around March if this year while I was at home my dad left his Facebook account open but there was something odd about it, it wasn't his original Facebook account but another one. I couldn't help to sneak around it and I realized he only had one friend and it was a woman, a woman that looks like he met during his trip to another country.
She left some post in his wall, and they sounded pretty flirtatious...

When he came back home I asked him who she was and he excused himself telling me that a lot of girls added him on Facebook and blah... I had a feeling that he was lying but I let it be.

Yesterday, while we were at my uncle's birthday supper I took my dad's phone to take some pictures since my phone was out of battery, and when I got into the photo gallery I found a photo of a naked woman... the worst part is that woman was the same woman he had on his Facebook account (I have a very good visual memory)

Since I got nervous I instantly deleted it and gave it back to my dad. Till now I'm just playing dumb but I don't know what to do, should I tell him?

I'm the only one that knows all about this... and seriously this puts my very very sad because I really love my dad and my mom and this saddens me a lot since my mom is also having a really hard time due to work and all...

Please I need someone that can tell me something...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It does sound like something inappropriate is going on between your father and this woman.

What do think your mother will do if she finds out about the affair? That's the first thing to think of.

She works. Does she make enough to support herself.

When you say that your mother has closed the factory, do you mean you think she no longer will have sex with your father or just that she's not having any more babies?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Father or not---the right thing to do, is tell your mother your dad is having an EA, and let your mother deal with this as she sees fit----if your dad doesn't like it---you get in his face and tell him, right to his face you will not tolerate or allow him to cheat on your mother his wife---and if he doesn't like it, and he doesn't wanna be in this family anymore---than to get the he*l out and go be with scumbag girlfriend---and do not be nice to him---I don't care if he is your father---he is cheating, and he most certainly is not thinking one bit about anyone in his family---he is thinking only of himself---so if he wants to cheat---he can go off and be by himself----


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## aboki (Oct 29, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> It does sound like something inappropriate is going on between your father and this woman.
> 
> What do think your mother will do if she finds out about the affair? That's the first thing to think of.
> 
> ...


@EleGirl: I meant that she has menopause like three years ago and she used to have this constant mood changes but now she tries to be more calmed and understand the situations. Whereas I realized my dad has became more of a screamer (?) he used to be more calmed and easygoing but he just yells.

I mean, I remember that when I was 8 they had a HUGE fight, they almost divorce because he had gambling issues and we went bankruptcy, everything is better now but this...

I think is going to break her heart so bad... She already is having some pills for high pressure because of the stress and makes me thing my dad is having an affair because my mom is no longer pretty... perhaps... she has gained a lot of weight and I noticed that the other woman is slim and "pretty"



jnj express said:


> Father or not---the right thing to do, is tell your mother your dad is having an EA, and let your mother deal with this as she sees fit----if your dad doesn't like it---you get in his face and tell him, right to his face you will not tolerate or allow him to cheat on your mother his wife---and if he doesn't like it, and he doesn't wanna be in this family anymore---than to get the he*l out and go be with scumbag girlfriend---and do not be nice to him---I don't care if he is your father---he is cheating, and he most certainly is not thinking one bit about anyone in his family---he is thinking only of himself---so if he wants to cheat---he can go off and be by himself----


@jnj express: I'm not sure about that... well I don't know, he has a lot of pictures of us everywhere and he likes to brag about us to his friends and all...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

aboki,

Your father very likely does love you and our sisters very much... he probably still loves your mother as well. But right now he is thinking mostly of himself. That is what happens when a person goes outside of their marriage for an affair.

I agree that you need to tell your mother. This puts you in a very bad positon. You will need evidence to prove what you saw. 

Can you get back into his other facebook account and show it to your mother? Can you get into his phone .. maybe take scans of the screen to show the txts and photos on the phone.

Your mother has the right to know what is going on. She has the right to decide to stay, to go or to fight for your father. She does not deserve to be lied to like she is being lied to right now.

Does she read English? If she does get her a copy of teh book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It will help her figure out how to handle this.

They are both your parents still. You still love them both. YOu have no idea of everything that has gone on between them. But there is no excuse for an affair... it's lying and cheating.

One of the most important things we should all do for loved ones is to protect them and to help them see the right thing to do.

You will protect your mother by telling her. 

You will help your father see the right thing to do by exposing the affair. 

He will still be your father regardless. But he needs to do the right thing. 

One thing you could do would be to gather the evidence... photo copies of the cell phone screens and even face book. Then go to your father and tell him that he as 3 days to tell your mom of his affair. If he does not tell her in that time you will give her the evidence. This way he might just tell her and you will not have to.


Have you told your sisters?


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## aboki (Oct 29, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> aboki,
> 
> Your father very likely does love you and our sisters very much... he probably still loves your mother as well. But right now he is thinking mostly of himself. That is what happens when a person goes outside of their marriage for an affair.
> 
> ...


No I haven't told them, the biggest one is married and the second one is about to... I just can't... I'm *too afraid* of what might happen...

I don't want them to divorce, I don't want them to fight, even if they reconcile the fact that he had an affair just shocks me.

I don't know how to start or when I should tell her.
Same goes to my father... I don't know HOW I should confront him... I can't think of just going and say: "hey dad, I found a picture of a naked woman in your phone which happens to be the same woman I saw in your fake facebook account back then, remember?"

By the way, he seems to have deleted his fake facebook account since I checked it yesterday or changed his name...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

aboki said:


> No I haven't told them, the biggest one is married and the second one is about to... I just can't... I'm *too afraid* of what might happen...
> 
> I don't want them to divorce, I don't want them to fight, even if they reconcile the fact that he had an affair just shocks me.
> 
> ...


He probably changed the name on the account. You could put a key logger on the computer and find out. Taht's what I would do.. but that's me.

You are in a tough spot. Maybe you could confide in your oldest sister. She's married so have more experience with life. This is really a lot for you to have to deal with alone.

A lot of marriages survive affairs. Sometimes it helps people face their problems.They realize that they have to work on their marriage or lose everything.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

One thing that you need to consider is that now that you know... if your mother ever finds out about the affair and that you know, she might blame you for protecting your father and helping him hurt her. So not telling does not help you either.


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## frank29 (Aug 22, 2012)

Hi think you should Gather evidence first then show or post it to your mum under an alias name that way no one can point the finger and blame you for not disclosing it you must be around your mum for support when it arrives she will need help she will go through what most of us here have all ready gone through lots of pain and heartache so if you decide to tell her or send a letter be there and don't take sides just help her all you can


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Father or not---the right thing to do, is tell your mother your dad is having an EA, and let your mother deal with this as she sees fit----if your dad doesn't like it---you get in his face and tell him, right to his face you will not tolerate or allow him to cheat on your mother his wife---and if he doesn't like it, and he doesn't wanna be in this family anymore---than to get the he*l out and go be with scumbag girlfriend---and do not be nice to him---I don't care if he is your father---he is cheating, and he most certainly is not thinking one bit about anyone in his family---he is thinking only of himself---so if he wants to cheat---he can go off and be by himself----


This is innapropriate.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

give mom the heads up and then stay out of it!

mom might even know but has decided to not make it an issue ...for whatever reason.

its between them.


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## aboki (Oct 29, 2012)

Thanks everyone, I'll collect evidence, don't jump into conclusions and try not to be paranoid about it.

I'm going to confront my dad asking him why he had a picture of a naked woman in his phone (I can tell that he didn't take the picture but that that woman sent it to him. She was holding a different phone facing the mirror)

This is a very difficult situation for me since my parents are very strict with me, they are always asking me where I'm going, with who and they call me restlessly. I had found myself in a situation where it's difficult to me to get help from a professional.

During my High School year it was easier for me to go and see a professional, I got diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder during my 16 after my grandfather died.

He was a second dad for me, as I posted before that my family almost went bankruptcy, my parents had to go work to another country for money while my sisters and I stayed with my grandparents for 5 years (I haven't seen my parents during that period, I was 10~15)

I just don't know how I should tell them all this
I would like to know, from the point of view of a parent how would you handle a situation like this?


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

It is difficult to say how an individual parent would handle this.

I think you are right to tell your father. Just be factual. Don't "threaten him with exposure". Your father may take this very very badly and please be prepared for that.

Whatever he says, I am sure that he will still love you but you may unleash a maelstrom of emotions in him. He will feel threatened. He will be ashamed and worried. That is a heady and dangerous concoction.

If you can, talk to him in public so he will have to moderate any reaction.

I feel for you here. You are in a tight spot for sure.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You could think of talking to him. Tell him he has one week to tell your mom what he's been up to, or you'll have to. And one of the conditions is that your mom herself lets you know that she now knows what's going on. As in, don't take your dad's word that everything is taken care of. 

They're both your parents still, and always will be. This will let them deal with things between themselves, and you don't have to be stuck in the middle. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

jnj express said:


> Father or not---the right thing to do, is tell your mother your dad is having an EA, and let your mother deal with this as she sees fit----if your dad doesn't like it---you get in his face and tell him, right to his face you will not tolerate or allow him to cheat on your mother his wife---and if he doesn't like it, and he doesn't wanna be in this family anymore---than to get the he*l out and go be with scumbag girlfriend---and do not be nice to him---I don't care if he is your father---he is cheating, and he most certainly is not thinking one bit about anyone in his family---he is thinking only of himself---so if he wants to cheat---he can go off and be by himself----


Now i agree with her telling her mother but that is where the line should be drawn and from that point on she needs to step back as this is NOT her marriage and this is her father. It is NOT her responsibility to confront the cheater....that is his wife's responsibility, she should gather evidence, give to her mother and LEAVE IT ALONE because the only one who can ultimately do anything about it is her mom.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I think OP should gather evidence and present it to her father and tell him that if he doesn't tell her mom, she will. Calmly. Give him a time limit. Like, 2 hours or something.

That's my advice anyway.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well the idea of informing your mother anonymously might work. 
Give her the evidence, even passwords to any of his accounts that you know.

This way you would not need to let either of them know that it was you who told your mother. 

Just a thought to think over.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I think it's SO horrible that any parent would put their kid into a situation like this.

My boys are 23 and 21, and I wonder what they'd do in your situation. The older one would probably rig something up so that I though I had found out myself what he was up to. The younger one would be totally torn apart by it and it would probably make him literally sick, but he wouldn't want to tell either me or hubby what he knew. 

I hope you can figure this out, quickly.


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