# Try and try again, they say



## primer (Apr 22, 2015)

I was once an active member on this forum 3-4 years ago when my wife at the time gave me the textbook "I love you but I'm not in love with you" ... It wasn't an easy road. I lost many friends, there were thoughts of suicide, feelings of inadequacy. For those of you who are currently going through this, I feel for you. Hang in there, give yourself another chance to be happy. So here I am now, engaged to be wed for the 3rd time, sometimes laughing at myself because I've read the statistics. I'm in love with this woman because she challenges me, but it isn't always roses. This road is also very tough.

Long story short, my current fiance is a girl I dated post-divorce, but we went and dated other people. After a couple of years of knowing each other, I fell in love with her and decided to make things real between us.

I made a terrible mistake, however. After dating her, I dated a mortal enemy of hers and I was also frenemies with the ex-wife. Skip forward another two years, after a romantic getaway with the girl, she accepted my wedding proposal. Not a week has gone by when she doesn't bring up the enemy ex-girlfriend. It was established that she had the right to pick fights and I am not allowed to fight back, because I "put her through so much sh- ..." or I killed her and that I'm responsible for her depression. Per one of our last arguments, giving me another chance at this romance was her doing me a favor, and that I should be thankful and submissive.

It has gotten bad. She would visit my ex-girlfriend's FaceBook page and I would get in trouble because the ex hasn't deleted pictures or posts of me. She is aware I have no control over what someone else posts, yet I am still catching heat for something posted 14 months ago. I haven't been romantic with this ex in over a year.

Just recently she looked through my chat history and found out I had slept with my ex-wife last summer. We weren't officially together and I thought I was a free agent, knowing she was dating someone also. Unfortunately, she said it is also my fault she had to date someone else. She fights me by screaming at the top of her lungs ... today she physically struck me with full force. She then told me it was my fault for driving her to such extremes.

I am fully aware there will be trust issues with such a rocky history between the two of us. I have been looking forward to marrying this girl and have actually been faithful to her since deciding to give her everything. I gave her all of my passwords and access to my accounts because I wanted to be completely transparent. I had nothing to hide. My phone has no lock code. I just didn't know she'd dig so deep and so far back.

Anyhow, I really just wanted to vent. She is taking medicine for depression and although I may have been a crummy boyfriend before, I feel that I've been a great fiance. I want to have a better understanding of how her mind works. I don't want to live the rest of my life walking around egg shells, I want to know how to approach this without igniting something explosive. I just want to move on with our lives and to forget all of this nonsense. Thanks for reading.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Too much drama.

Either get into counseling with her before you marry her or do not marry her.


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## 1011000 (Apr 1, 2015)

A agree with EleGirl.

Especially due to my own recent troubles, I'd be very careful to clear up all problems before getting married.


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## primavera (Sep 4, 2014)

So she struck you with full force and told you it was your fault, and now you're afraid of living the rest of your life walking on eggshells.

If one of your friends told you this was the state of their relationship, what would you want them to do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

DUDE. You guys have problems ALREADY.
3 X's?? What/who's the common denominator?
Looks like you're getting ready to loose again!!
Sounds like you just need a prostitute now & then.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Ouch. It's painfully obvious to me that this relationship is a huge mistake. End it NOW.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

primer said:


> I was once an active member on this forum 3-4 years ago when my wife at the time gave me the textbook "I love you but I'm not in love with you" ... It wasn't an easy road. I lost many friends, there were thoughts of suicide, feelings of inadequacy. For those of you who are currently going through this, I feel for you. Hang in there, give yourself another chance to be happy. So here I am now, engaged to be wed for the 3rd time, sometimes laughing at myself because I've read the statistics. I'm in love with this woman because she challenges me, but it isn't always roses. This road is also very tough.
> 
> Long story short, my current fiance is a girl I dated post-divorce, but we went and dated other people. After a couple of years of knowing each other, I fell in love with her and decided to make things real between us.
> 
> ...


Dump her.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I think you should have second thoughts about marrying her. She does not seem very stable, if shes like this now just think what shes going to be like once the ring is on the finger?.

Going on the facebook page looking up your ex and so on... not a very appealing way to behave, also the hitting you in the face, and then blaming you, she seems like a loose cannon.

Do you really want to be married to this girl?. Your always going to be walking around on eggshells worried about doing this and that, and having to prove yourself... Not good.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Please don't get married again. Use the wedding money for counseling for YOU instead.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

This relationship is damaged. You got involved with her before you were ready and now she can't trust you. 

She is handling it poorly. I agree that getting married is a bad idea.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vorlon (Sep 13, 2012)

OP, 

If you really spent anytime on this site in the past you know what an abusive relationship looks like and you are now putting yourself in the position of being abused on a regular basis. 

This women is irrational now and your not even married. It only gets worse from here on out. The only chance you have is to get into full blown counseling with her. 

You need to know why you hold yourself in such low esteem as to accept being led like a lamb to the slaughter. She physically and verbally abuses you and your still planning on marring her. 

She is crazy and will blame it all on you and then you let her. Since this is your third time. If you marry her you can expect another divorce.


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## Lone Shadow (Aug 5, 2014)

primer said:


> ... today she *physically struck me with full force*. She then told me it was my fault for driving her to such extremes.


This right here. Even if everything else in your post was sunshine and roses. This.

You hit me, it's time for you to GTFO.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You need some counseling friend. If you do insist on marrying this woman, get a vasectomy so you don't bring innocent children in on your mistake.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Instead of getting married, I suggest you work on yourself, escape this abusive relationship, and work to create a stable you.

Sounds like your history is repeating itself, and you're making unwise decisions after unwise decisions. Marriage takes more than love to make a relationship work, it takes stability as well, and a whole list of other components.

Also, is marriage really needed to make a committed relationship? If there is going to be no children, and you want more independence, is there a need for marriage? You can still have a committed love without the legal binding that goes along with it.

At this point, marriage would be a mistake, and if things do not work out as it stands right now, marriage would be another complication due to its legal bindings.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She feels entitled to berate and hit you. That has the potential to escalate in a very big way if you marry her. She will feel secure that she can do whatever she chooses once that ring's on her finger. Don't do it.

PS
You may want to forget the past and move on but she doesn't. She likes the power.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

primer said:


> I was once an active member on this forum 3-4 years ago when my wife at the time gave me the textbook "I love you but I'm not in love with you" ... It wasn't an easy road. I lost many friends, there were thoughts of suicide, feelings of inadequacy. For those of you who are currently going through this, I feel for you. Hang in there, give yourself another chance to be happy. So here I am now, engaged to be wed for the 3rd time, sometimes laughing at myself because I've read the statistics. I'm in love with this woman because she challenges me, but it isn't always roses. This road is also very tough.
> 
> Long story short, my current fiance is a girl I dated post-divorce, but we went and dated other people. After a couple of years of knowing each other, I fell in love with her and decided to make things real between us.
> 
> ...


If she is acting like this BEFORE you marry, how will she act when she is your wife?
DO NOT MARRY THIS WOMAN!!!!!!
If you do, you will regret it for the rest of your life.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

" mortal enemy of hers " Your life isnt pokemon
" she physically struck me with full force" Assault
" I killed her and that I'm responsible for her depression." Run!

From personal experience. You need to end this relationship now! I guarantee you, she wont make it easy. But, in doing so, she will show you the wisdom of running from this entitled brat. She will never change for you, and will most definitely get worse when you are married. Fair warning!


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## primer (Apr 22, 2015)

The gritty replies are what helped me through my separation and divorce years ago. I want to thank you all for chiming in. Whether I agree to it or not, the input is helpful.



lifeistooshort said:


> This relationship is damaged. You got involved with her before you were ready and now she can't trust you.
> 
> She is handling it poorly. I agree that getting married is a bad idea.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree that marrying her now is not a good idea. When we do get into spats, she takes her ring off anyway as her way of getting back at me. If it's going to be like that, what can I really expect when we vow "Through thickness and in thin, in sickness and in health"

I want to say I take responsibility for the dirt on my side of the street. The romance with her arch enemy only lasted three months, and one month of that she was in rehab. I tried sustaining the relationship for three weeks after she got out and I had to end it. The history is she was co-workers with my fiance many years ago and that bridge was burned to a crisp.

I'm not an angel and the common denominator is me. I went nuts after my separation with the 2nd wife and I acted like I was a thousandaire playboy. Nonetheless, my attitude has changed and I am tired of that life.

She said she wants to move out and I although it is not what I want, I am not going to stand in her way.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

OP- your picker is still broken.....


She is getting a lot of life out of this indiscretion and is obviously unforgiving...

She is not ready to be someone's wife.


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## primer (Apr 22, 2015)

I value each and every one of your responses. Thank you.

I may have demonized her a bit, but I tried to condense it so my original post wouldn't be a novel.

I'd like to say that I'm no angel, either. Last year, I strung this girl along and Jan 2014 I was seeing her and the ex-gf simultaneously. My indiscretion with the ex-w was a one time only thing, and I have no romantic feelings toward her.

Yes, my picker is broken and my fiance isn't stable. The ex-gf that she has such a problem with was once a successful professional who lost her job to addiction. This was a flame that burned hot and used all of the fuel. One month into my relationship with her, she cheated on me, which I only found out about when she was in rehab. Yep, I'm good at finding the crazy chicks.

I'd like to say I can understand my fiance's frustration with me. Although we weren't officially together, I know that she felt that I was still hers. Still, she went on vacation with some guy, so I went on a family trip with the ex-w. I found out she had sex with him, so I distanced myself and got myself that girlfriend.

I do acknowledge that the screaming and the hitting is unacceptable. I also believe that what we did while we weren't exactly together shouldn't be used for ammunition.

I will own up to keeping her around all of these years, stringing her along, and using her for comfort. But like I explained before, something changed in my attitude and I wanted to make it right, and it has been her 100% without any distractions for a good while.

I don't see this working out without counseling and it won't work out unless she admits she is also to blame. She left her engagement ring on the table and told me last night that she is going to move out next week. While that is her prerogative, it is sad that an argument over an ex will cause her to remove the engagement ring ... it's indicative that she is not ready for "through thick and thin"

I will suggest counseling and let her move out, if that's what she really wants.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

You are like me..... Your picker is broken. Do not marry this woman


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

You may want to forget this nonsense, she doesn't. She wants to punish you indefinitly for the supposed slight . Come on sir, two times married you have to recognize a problem like this isn't just magically going to go away. This will get worse and worse till you can't take it anymore then your will be 3 times divorced. When is enough enough and you decide to get off this ride? Cancel the wedding and get yourself into counseling asap.


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## primer (Apr 22, 2015)

I don't know what happened to my reply, so here it goes again, shortened even more.

First of all, let me say I value everyone's input here, and I thank you for taking the time to read and respond.

I agree that marrying this girl right now is out of the question. I do, however, feel that the situation can improve with counseling and perhaps if she took ownership of some of the problems we are experiencing.

As of this moment we aren't taking, and maybe it is good that we can take a break from each other. I do love her very much and I would hate to lose her, but if it is what she wants and she continues to sabotage our relationship by staying angry with how I acted in the past, then I really have no choice. I'd rather it not come to that, but at least I can mentally prepare for that possibility.

Thanks again, I'll continue reading TAM to gain more insight


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Exit stage left.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Your relationship will not work out. Do not marry. She is already assaulting you and has extensive jealousy problems. This will escalate when you get married. Best for you to check out and give yourself some peace.

Good luck to you!


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OK, don't know what it is that you love about her, but she sounds downright BSC (medical term that stands for [email protected] sh!t crazy)!

Run as fast as you can and whatever you do, do not look back or into her eyes!


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