# I don't know anymore



## 04190513 (Jun 27, 2011)

I've been having trouble getting over things that have happened(EA with some kissing). DDay was June 3. Last night I told her it's not going to work, I can't deal with or get over what happened. I also have trouble with what else may have happened, do I have the truth ? etc. Through all of this I never really wanted to be without her and considered our marriage to be for life. I think it's better for the kids to have a family etc. But no matter what i do I still return to the fact this happened and I don't see how a marriage can continue after something like this. I guess what I'm after is how do you know whether you need more time to deal with this and reconcile or that it's not going to work and it's better to end it.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I hate to send you to another site, but go marriagebuilders.com. Signup and go to surviving an affair page. There you will find a lot of help for what you're going thru. Also, read through the info on the site. You will be surprised by what you learn.


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## 04190513 (Jun 27, 2011)

I also forgot to mention my wife is doing everything she needs to like open book, share pwords etc. I can't fault her for anything now accept a reluctance to talk about the affair, which I think is natural.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

What were the reasons for your wife engaging in this behavior? Did she realize that she was risking her marriage? If she absolutely knew that you would leave her for engaging in this behavior, do you think she would have done this? Do you think she engaged in this behavior because she felt that even if she was caught there would still be no consequences to her actions? Are you 100 percent sure there was nothing more than kissing?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Have you gone to IC or MC? I didn't see any mention of counseling in your posts. You can't just sit and watch her show, you have to be part of the solution.


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## 04190513 (Jun 27, 2011)

We have been to our own IC and MC which I thought really helped, the problem is my mind and probably not dealing with it properly. Before this I considered cheating an automatic end like most people do. But now I can at least see it's possible on here, just not positive I can do it. The reasons were our marriage was crap, I was neglectful, taking things for granted sometimes I was mean etc. I know she was not really into the marriage and thought it was over, but we hadn't done anything except talk about it during fights. She was vulnerable and went out to get out of the house and away from me. And no I'm definitely not 100% sure it was just kissing and there is no way find out any different.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

It sounds like she is doing everything she can to give you reasons to trust her.

Does it matter if there was more than kissing? I'm asking because it seems that you need to know the answer so that you can decide on divorce for sure or not. Until you can believe that you have that factual answer, you are unable to move on with recovery.

I know others have suggested a polygraph test, so you can ask her to take one. Offer to take one yourself and have her supply questions.


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## 04190513 (Jun 27, 2011)

Sex to me is a definate dealbreaker. In my other posts I mentioned my secret recording and on it, she said "it's not like I'm having sex with other people like he is"(OM had cheated before with someone else) So that told me they didn't have sex.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Then request a polygraph. Again, offer to take it as well. If she refuses, you have to make a decision right then and there. If she agrees, I hope the results are the positive results you are looking for. You need to act, and quit wondering


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Only you can decide if you want to go on or not, do not let the stay for the kids or she's coming around and doing what needs to be done. All that means nothing if you just can't get back into the marriage, just don't go through the motions.

My advice, take a weekend off just by yourself to clear your mind and think through things clearly. As long as you're with her 24/7 you'll never be able to think clearly for right now.

For right now, you can't move on and that will kill your marriage eventually.


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## girlfromipanema (Aug 26, 2011)

After discovering my husband's affair (EA/PA), I read "Not Just Friends". One piece of advice was to not make any life changing decisions within the first six months of discovery, as you need time to adjust to your new reality. I recommend the book if you haven't read it yet.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

You have to do what is best for you but it seems like you have an opportunity to not only reconcile but maybe make this better than ever!


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## 04190513 (Jun 27, 2011)

I do have that opportunity and what we have accomplished makes us both see it can be better than ever. I just get stuck on the fact that it happened and not sure if I can get past it and stay with her. Either I can't and it's over or I need more time, I just don't know which is the way to go


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

04190513 said:


> I do have that opportunity and what we have accomplished makes us both see it can be better than ever. I just get stuck on the fact that it happened and not sure if I can get past it and stay with her. Either I can't and it's over or I need more time, I just don't know which is the way to go


Please go to marriagebuilders.com. There you will find a plan to get past the issues you bring up. Also, you will find tons of people there who have SUCCESSFULLY followed the plan resulting in a fully recovered marriage.


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## 04190513 (Jun 27, 2011)

I will check it out when I get home, was there briefly and didn't see the sign up spot yet.


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## dd080510 (Jul 27, 2011)

I don't think you are far enough out from your dday at this point. I'm over a year out and I still think about it every day, it's just A LOT less now. I'm assuming over the years it will continue to get less. I'd say if you still love her, want to be married, and she is doing everything she can, you are on the right track. It just takes time... lots of time, for the thoughts and disgusted feelings to go away. Good luck.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

04190513 said:


> I will check it out when I get home, was there briefly and didn't see the sign up spot yet.


Click "discussion forum" on top right on the homepage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Well, if you have kids and she is remorseful, you should give her another chance. If it's not for her, then at least you owe it to your kids. That's my take. 

You say you aren't sure you will ever get over it. Trust me that as painful as infidelitiy is, even that fades gradually with time. Like a bad memory of car accident... If you keep focusing on what you don't have or what you have lost, you will always be miserable. Try to focus on what you do have. Your family, your wife(I know she cheated, but she is still with you.)... 

Try MC to sort out the feelings. Also, if truth is what bothers you, you can also demand polygraph. Most of times, it is easier to fix a marriage than end it and start over, especially when you have kids.


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