# Good Girl SO turned Sex Addict for OM



## Csocal (Nov 5, 2015)

It's been about eight months since D-day and I'm still having really bad days trying to deal with the memories, my feelings of inadequacy and betrayal, and moving forward with reconciliation.

My SO and I are the same age and have known each other since high school. She'd always been one of my best friends and the only woman who had never hurt me, so five years ago when we were finally single at the same time, we jumped at the chance to move things to the next level even though living in different states. We talked and dreamed about a future together, checking job opportunities in each other's cities.

Long distance relationships are tough to begin with but then in my late fourties I was suffering from ED. I can't describe how frustrating it was to finally be with a woman I'd wanted for so many years yet suddenly unable to express it physically. I tried everything, diet/exercise, medicine, cog therapy and even testosterone shots with unpredictable results and wound up so anxious of failing in the sack I actually withdrew during intimate moments hoping to avoid humiliation. Regardless of my physical and emotional struggles, I understand too late that I was depriving my SO of the natural physical affection craved and deserved and allowing her to doubt my true desire. 

I was "visiting" her on March '15 when I received a rogue text intended for an OM and confronted her that night. She admitted to a purely sexual affair but over the next several months more betrayals were revealed. Many more.

She claims she began innocently enough placing an ad in Craigslist Strictly Platonic for a running buddy which was answered by a much younger man w/no interest in running. Sexually aggressive, he easily exploited her vulnerability and took our relationship as a challenge to be overcome. He toyed w/her emotionally and physically for about a month. With the genie out of the bottle her CL ads moved from SP to Women Seeking Men, then to Casual Encounters. She spent all of her free time before and after work in a trance trolling CL for prospective partners and juggling chats with dozens of interested men.

To better clarify and understand for myself the extent of her behavior I've divided her partners into Regulars, Randoms and Prospects.

"Prospects" are the many men with which my SO corresponded online with the intent of finding a suitable sexual partner. Her computer revealed about about sixty of these.

"Randoms" were men who passed the chat audition phase and came to her house for sex. These men might be half her age, but never older than ten years younger than her, never stayed the night and according to her, were never seen again. There were five or more of these.

"Regulars" refer to two men who established twice-weekly visits. Sometimes they visited her in the morning before work, sometimes after, and occasionally on the very same day. One of these was closer to our age, an average blue collar Joe who did not know I or the Randoms existed and I think wanted a real normal relationship. The other, who's text I intercepted at discovery was younger white collar proffessional, married with young kids, who pushed her to engage in submissive, lesbian, group sex, join him at swingers clubs and enjoyed hearing about her clueless boyfriend and her exploits with Randoms. They even posted CL ads together... as a couple.

My SO has a stable career, is very intelligent, responsible and meticulously thorough in all areas of her life, but never asked any of the men to use protection and only went on birth control after a pregnancy scare.

The entire time she was juggling all these OM, we spoke on the phone every single day and I never had a clue. 

After the gradual reveal (it took several months for me to extract all the ugly statistics) my SO recommitted and has done all the things I have required including STD testing, total transparency and therapy. She professes her love, devotion and remorse. 

As I mentioned, I've known this woman all my life and until last year, she had pretty much only ever had long term relationships, could count the number of sexual partners on two hands, and had never had a one night stand. This behavior is completely out of character and she has said that with each encounter, the fleeting buzz lasted for a shorter time, her loneliness increased as did her need to increase frequency or up the risk to get the same thrill. Our therapist say's that's a classic addictive behavior pattern. I care deeply about her on many levels so am trying to view it as if a loved one were struggling with any other dangerous addiction.

While my ED is gone, my nightmares haven't stopped. My self esteem is still crushed. My confidence in reality destroyed and I grieve every day for the loss of the woman I believed her to be, and the one relationship I could always count on. I have yet to go a week without being triggered by a hundred tiny things you might encounter on any average day. Activities as benign as shopping for groceries, reading the paper or watching television have become a minefield. I never know when a word, object or image will bring pain. It seems almost everything is just six degrees of separation from the cheating and my mind makes those connections quicker than a jackrabbit, like it or not.

I've read so many books and blogs and, as I mentioned am seeing a therapist but still hurt so profoundly. It is my hope that some practical advice from others in the same boat might help. 

I welcome your comments.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Time to move on IMHO. Even if you can put it behind you, It will always be there to some extent. It may even rear its ugly head 10 years from now more ferociously than it currently is. 

Not as easy as that i know.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

> She'd begun innocently enough placing an ad in CL Strictly Platonic for a running buddy which was answered by a much younger man w/no interest in running. Sexually aggressive, he easily sensed her vulnerability and took our relationship as a challenge to be overcome. He toyed w/her emotionally and physically for about a month. With the genie out of the bottle her CL ads moved from SP to WSM then to Casual Encounters. She spent all of her free time before and after work trolling CL for prospective partners juggling chats with dozens of interested men.


No, she placed the ad there was no vulnerability. He sensed she was ready to go and she was, quit trying to excuse her behavior. She was the one who was sexually aggressive as evidenced by her further sexual adventures.

Also, were you exclusive? Sounds like you had more invested than her IMO. If not, if she likes sex, more power to her.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Brother, the older you get, the more you realize how precious and short life is. Certainly too short and precious for this crap. I couldn't put it behind me. Maybe you can't either, and that's fine.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

I really don't know what to say OP. Since you couldn't give her what she wanted, she went out and f-cked countless numbers of men, f-cked them in all sorts of ways and now she's "re-committed" to you??

No doubt you make cheating connections quicker than a jackrabbit because that's how fast she found her sex partners. 

So what if she has a great career, is intelligent and responsible, etc. etc. Why should that mean anything to you now after all this? 

I'm trying my best not to tell you to dump her a$$ quicker than a jackrabbit but I find it hard to keep silent, because what she did to you was just absolutely horrible, and frankly, I cannot understand how or why you want to continue to be with this S.L.U.T. Her profession of love, devotion and remorse --is it really something you can trust? And even if you can, can you continue to be with her knowing what she did when you couldn't get it up? Some things are forgivable. But this??


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

So you're NOT married and have NO kids?!?

DUMP HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This one is a no brainer.

Trolling CL for random sex is just slightly above prostitution.

Stop making excuses for why she's such a disgusting person.

Get some help for your codependency and lack of self esteem.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

The problem here is that your perception of her, the "good girl", is not the reality of her by a long shot. She isn't a good girl she is a user and she used you well. 

You need to put some distance between you so you can refocus on her true nature. 

Here is the easy test...

I want you to re-read your post but imagine that it's your best friend or brother who wrote it, what advice would you have for him... Becomes a lot more clear now doesn't it.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Csocal said:


> My SO has a great career, is very intelligent,* responsible* and meticulously thorough in all areas of her life, but never asked any of the men to use protection and only went on birth control after a pregnancy scare.


Oh yeah, she's responsible all right. 

OP, even if both of you had agreed your relationship was not exclusive; I would still tell you to run, not walk, away from this damaged woman. If you think that this won't happen again, you're just fooling yourself.

And if the relationship was agreed to be exclusive, I'd have to question your sanity for even considering to get back with her.

This isn't what you want to hear, but it's what you need to hear.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So........ you want to hinge your well-being on a woman that has proven herself to be a sex/attention addict, who is very, very lucky not to have HIV or hepatitis or whatever? Really? This woman is just too low on the scale of human evolution to be worthy of a casual "hello". And you're thinking of having a long-term relationship with her? Are you out of your mind? Really?
What are you thinking? Just get over her. IT will take time, but heal yourself and move on. That's all I can say.....


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Dump her.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

do you think she craved the actual sex itself or was she seeking thrills and/or validation through sex?

i am told that addiction is not so much the actual craving for a particular substance (take alcohol for example).
it is the masking of a subconscious aching that is satiated, not the primary means.

it may not matter much, only to resolve in your mind who she really is.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Anyone else notice we've been getting a lot of really codependent people posting lately about some really vile waywards.

Like it's not even gray area, ONS stuff. Straight up disgusting remorseless serial cheaters and the betrayed just wants to "make things better"...

Where is the self respect?!? It just boggles my mind how little these people value themselves... Fix it?!? Why the fvck would you stay?!?

There's absolutely no reason to stay in many cases.... Not married, no kids, "golden goose" scenarios. What do they expect us to say to make the disrespect magically disappear?

Like someone kicks them in the balls and they ask, "I need help being unkicked in the balls..." Sorry dude can't help you there, it's gonna hurt for a while. Walk it off and walk away.

What would you want to continue to associated with a nut cracker? Unfriend, them so it doesn't happen again. What you don't do is continue to associate with an a$$hole.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

From the TV series House: (Wilson is talking about his wayward ex-wife.) 

Wilson: People change, House.

House: Sure. They get older, their ovaries start drying up and nice guys like you look attractive again.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Why would you even want to someone like this? I wouldn't let anyone know I knew her.

There are too many available women out there.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> Anyone else notice we've been getting a lot of really codependent people posting lately about some really vile waywards.
> 
> Like it's not even gray area, ONS stuff. Straight up disgusting remorseless serial cheaters and the betrayed just wants to "make things better"...
> 
> ...


what i notice often and what strikes me is a lot of men who are successful, manager, executives, or professional types who are probably looked at as 'alpha's' at work or in social circles, but will put up with outrageous behavior when it comes to their love life.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Good adjective.... Outrageous. That's exactly what it is.... 

There's a pandemic of neutered men out there.

Where is the SHAME of being so emasculated?

Cause you love her? My god.... GROW UP.

You think a serial cheating ho LOVES you?!? 

Reality check. She hates your guts and lies to your face.


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## Csocal (Nov 5, 2015)

BD, we're all here for support or advice following similar traumas. A little civility and kindness would be appreciated. After reading 76 pages of what U went through, I know how U hurt once and how much you struggled to reconcile even after multiple affairs. Let's hope I don't end up quite as bitter. 



BetrayedDad said:


> It is depressing... I mean how could I be so wrong about someone? Why marry me if you're still going to shop around behind my back? Why continue to use me like this? I started this thread pissed as hell. Now I'm just sad and depressed all the time.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Uhhh... not really appropriate or SFW, @MattMatt.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Csocal said:


> BD, we're all here for support or advice following similar traumas. A little civility and kindness would be appreciated. After reading 76 pages of what U went through, I know how U hurt once and how much you struggled to reconcile even after multiple affairs. Let's hope I don't end up quite as bitter.


OK. Dump her.

Just be civil and kind about it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Uhhh... not really appropriate or SFW, @MattMatt.


Really? OK. I'll sort that out. Sorry. Safe for work in the UK is clearly not SFW in other countries.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Csocal said:


> BD, we're all here for support or advice following similar traumas. A little civility and kindness would be appreciated. After reading 76 pages of what U went through, I know how U hurt once and how much you struggled to reconcile even after multiple affairs. Let's hope I don't end up quite as bitter.


I got my fair shares of 2x4's in my thread and I'm a better person for it.

Just returning the favor my friend because you need them now.

Dump her, please with a cherry on top, if you prefer a milder tone...

Did you notice the title of my thread? Hopefully you'll start a similar themed one.


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## Csocal (Nov 5, 2015)

jorgegene said:


> do you think she craved the actual sex itself or was she seeking thrills and/or validation through sex?
> 
> i am told that addiction is not so much the actual craving for a particular substance (take alcohol for example).
> it is the masking of a subconscious aching that is satiated, not the primary means.


I'm not certain she's an addict, but two therapists have recognized addictive cycle behavior.

According to Dr Patrick Carnes book Out of the Shadows/Understanding Sexual Addiction, the addiction cycle goes through Preoccupation (sexual fantasy), Ritualization (cruising craigslist), Compulsion (acting on impulse) and Despair (regret for the action). The regret triggers more preoccupation and the cycle repeats only each time the regret worsens. My SO's siblings have other addictions and while addiction is likely genetic, family members do not not always manifest identical addictions.

She definitely wanted sex but I believe she was also seeking validation that she was attractive and youthful as well as an escape from other stressors and trauma in her life which coincided with her first encounter. 

I don't excuse her actions. Cheating is not a mistake, it's a choice. I'm just trying to understand that choice. We've been so close for 35 years, and both had numerous partners in that time. It's the lying that really hurts.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Run my friend.

Dont waste your time on this woman.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Csocal said:


> We've been so close for 35 years, and both had numerous partners in that time. It's the lying that really hurts.


Google, "Sunk Cost Fallacy" and read up on it. 

It certainly applies in your situation.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

You have bit that bullet a long time. she hid her true self for a very long time. Be glad you bit this bullet yet again.

Let her go. don't even try to figure her out. Not your problem. find your happiness. It wasn't her and it still ain't her.

Good riddance!

You lucky fella.

Bibi


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Csocal said:


> It's been about eight months since D-day and I'm still having really bad days trying to deal with the memories, my feelings of inadequacy and betrayal, and moving forward with reconciliation.
> 
> My SO and I are the same age and have known each other since high school. She'd always been one of my best friends and the only woman who had never hurt me, so five years ago when we were finally single at the same time, we jumped at the chance to move things to the next level even though living in different states. We talked and dreamed about a future together, checking job opportunities in each other's cities.
> 
> ...


Sorry to quote your original post but if you read it again I'm hoping by some impossible chance you may see what everyone here sees

Re-read the reply's and save your self a decade of pain that will surely follow as you sound like a guy who will keep trying until you have a breakdown

Unless you have a Mother Theresa complex please tell her 
*'you loved who you thought she was BUT as you found out who she really was it destroyed that love'*


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> Anyone else notice we've been getting a lot of really codependent people posting lately about some really vile waywards.
> 
> Like it's not even gray area, ONS stuff. Straight up disgusting remorseless serial cheaters and the betrayed just wants to "make things better"...
> 
> ...


Aren't those the best? They wind you up and get you all hot and bothered:grin2:

My advice to them. Stay with her. You definately deserve her.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Your real problem is that you have had an unreal fantasy about this woman most of your life. Now life has given you chance to be together and the Fantasy Girl does not resemble the Real Girl. You are still in love with the fantasy which does not exist. You are having trouble matching the fantasy with reality.

I notice you say you have known this woman for 35 years. But actually you never knew the "real" woman and attributed her with dream world qualities that she did not actually have. You are now having trouble accepting that.

Sorry. Time to accept reality and come into the light of the real world.


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

Csocal said:


> jorgegene said:
> 
> 
> > do you think she craved the actual sex itself or was she seeking thrills and/or validation through sex?
> ...


Wow.

Over analysis defined. 

I would just see her for what she is and get on with my life.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I know you do not want to face what we are saying but this woman is broken. With words you describe her as intelligent, responsible and meticulous but the picture you paint is the opposite of that. She has been involved with numerous men without protection, that is neither responsible nor intelligent. Her intellect is not developed enough to recognize this even to the point of risking her life. Forget STDs for a moment, one of those CL men could have cut her into pieces and stuffed her in a refrigerator. Her actions were reckless and totally irrational.

If she were a severe alcoholic would you consider marrying her? I ask you to carefully consider this question. Her actions are seriously degenerate and self degrading, showing no self respect nor self control. It is postulated that she did this for attention and to boost her self worth by having men find her attractive but, in reality, what they found her was *****ish and cheap. If she cannot see this her intellect is severely lacking and if you believe that you can "fix" this you are sadly mistaken. This is the epitome of a lost cause.

You must consider that she was not seduced by random men at bars or even at work, she actually went trolling for men. This is very disconcerting and indicative of a problem that is much larger than you or this forum. Ultimately you will do what you want to do but be forewarned, this woman is Trouble. I wish you strength and good fortune.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I don't know why you still call this woman your friend. She seems more like an enemy. 

You said nothing really about her remorse. What is she DOING to be remorseful? 

I can't fathom why you'd want to stay with her. You're not married to her and she's not marriage material. At. All. 

Let her go, she enjoys riding the carousel. Nothing wrong with that if it's what she chooses for herself. What was wrong was not letting you go first before risking your life, repeatedly, at least 60 times....... Clearly none of that required thought enough for her to care about you.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

To be completely honest with you I agree with the "Run as fast as you can!" advise. If you're not going to do that.... She's not the young. If this is completely new, alien behavior for her could she be having severe mental issues? Has she been through anything really traumatic that's gone neglected? 

You're either very wrong about the woman you've known for 35 years (most likely explanation. It's been a long distance friendship) or there's something VERY wrong with her. Is she seeing a proper psychiatrist? 


I don't know! Sometimes I think I'm really naive! 'Normal, intelligent, well balanced people just don't do this!! Do they? Really?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

BrokenLady said:


> I don't know! Sometimes I think I'm really naive! 'Normal, intelligent, well balanced people just don't do this!! Do they? Really?


Some people on TAM would have you think differently but no.

Normal, intelligent, well balanced people, men or women, don't troll CL looking for unprotected random sex. She's lucky she didn't catch a STD, HIV or even been murdered. 

She's either mentally ill or has death wish.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

No one here is gonna tell you what you want to hear.. 

BUT 

We will tell you what you need to hear..

Look sadly you are not ready to let this go.. Many of us have been there including myself..

Only after a certain amount of time ( how much time depends on the person ) passes do you understand no one is worth it.. They just aren't.. 

But you are not at that stage yet.. You are not strong enough yet.. Sadly she will eventually make the choice for you and then you will realize how you wasted even MORE YEARS of your life in this USELESS relationship..

Stop reading all those bullsh!t books and taking everything for face value.. No person is just one thing.. They are a mix.. Half narcissist, Half something else and so on.. Just trying to fix one part is never gonna help you.. 

Plus haven't you caught the hint yet that she doesn't want your help or to be fixed ? 

You think I didn't offer my ex wife therapy and counseling for herself, For her and our son that she hasn't seen in 3 years ? 

Of course I have, But she doesn't want it.. She is fine.. She has no issues.. It's all normal what she did.. 

Good Luck and be strong because you will be for much more heartache before this is over.. 

Keep posting


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Take her off the pedestal you've placed her on and walk away.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Csocal said:


> I'm not certain she's an addict, but two therapists have recognized addictive cycle behavior.
> 
> According to Dr Patrick Carnes book Out of the Shadows/Understanding Sexual Addiction, the addiction cycle goes through Preoccupation (sexual fantasy), Ritualization (cruising craigslist), Compulsion (acting on impulse) and Despair (regret for the action). The regret triggers more preoccupation and the cycle repeats only each time the regret worsens. My SO's siblings have other addictions and while addiction is likely genetic, family members do not not always manifest identical addictions.
> 
> ...


As I read your postings I am amazed at how you are trying to minimise, excuse what she has done. I know that distance can have a huge impact on a couple as they lose the bond and people make mistakes. But she has not made a 'mistake', this is all totally premeditated, planned meticulously and also conniving, manipulative with absolutely no regard of the impact on you. To manage to do this while you are oblivious, suggests that she has a split personality or a sociopath, no empathy just using you and those other men for sex. She doesn't care about you t all and yes, she can fake the remorse!. I think you are setting yourself up for a life of heartache, once you slip up and do not give her the validation and attention she needs, or you do not satisfy her wants, she will be back on the ride again, do you want to live your life like that wondering if she will? 
There are women out there who will love you regardless of your ED problems and not seek their thrills elsewhere. 

Make a break, you want peace in your next 30 years or so.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She's not vulnerable! She's a predator! 

Can you not see this!!!!!!!

What does she have to do? Worst I've heard of.

She's planning it out. Cmon man wake up


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> So you're NOT married and have NO kids?!?
> 
> DUMP HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This one is a no brainer.
> 
> ...




I think prostitution is more dignified.. They are upfront about their intentions, they do not secretly risk you to STDs and to some of them, it is a way of living. 

Just because you forgive her does not mean that you have to remain with her. It is not wrong to have some minimum standards. This woman is not right for you.

Tell the swinger married guy's wife about her H if you can.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi, 
You need to be a good guy, not a nice guy or a romantic partner in this. Accept the fact while she may have been a good friend she can never be a good spouse. You have to think nicely of her her think Forrest gumps girlfriend. 
How much do you really know of he past relationships, not what she told you or what others think. We had a posters here a month or so ago who I urged to contact his past SO directly. He actually did! The past is the future unless we change it. Don't know if he stayed in, but he knew what he was getting into. 

Finally the few threads on this board as extreme as your's all involve Childhood Sexual Abuse. Don't say I have known her since high school. While the problem might not be as often as TV makes it seem, it is large and in the main unreported. It often is discovered only when a pattern such as you SO emerges.

Finally your breakdown of types of relationships she has makes her sound like a prostitute. While cash s not involved the behavior is the same. I suggest this in the same way frank sinatra was an alcoholic his whole life - a truly rare functional alcoholic.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Im in my mid 40's as well and I can and will say this, you don't need this. I've wanted a family and knew after a certain age the chances of this were slim. Finding a person who is still able to have kids, likes older men and have things in common is also slim. After my divorce from two decades of marriage, I never thought I was a catch, meaning baggage etc. I have a great career and make very good money. My now wife whom I met five years ago was heaven sent. We have a great relationship and make really good parents to our kids, we think. My point is think in terms of logic not emotion, there are plenty of really good ladies out there, who want a family, who are faithful through the thick and thin. You still have time. Go find happiness brother, this is and will be misery. That I'm sure you don't have time for. Good luck.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

The "why's" are not important, it is what it is. 

This is who she is and if you stay there will be more cheating in the future as she made cheating a lifestyle for herself. This isn't something she can just end overnight. She does this because she wants to, it's as simple as that.

Stop overthinking this and obsessing over her and start thinking about your future without her. This is a lost cause and as much as you want to force this to work you will just end up frustrated.


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

If its really "new" behavior then she is crazy. But my bet is that this is just new to you.

I usually try to avoid labels, but you really have to call a spade a spade in this case.

Move on.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

There is only one choice, man. And that is to get a lawyer and get this woman out of your life as quickly as possible.

She's been lying to you for years, risking your health for years, and acting in a manner that likely risked her own life several times. 

This is pretty much equivalent to someone with a long-term hidden heroin addiction who's been sharing needles behind your back.

There is no getting over this and getting on together. You can forgive, but this doesn't mean you continue on. She is not your friend, she is not your partner, and she has her issues to overcome.

Help her do that... by leaving her.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Csocal said:


> I'm not certain she's an addict, but two therapists have recognized addictive cycle behavior.
> 
> According to Dr Patrick Carnes book Out of the Shadows/Understanding Sexual Addiction, the addiction cycle goes through Preoccupation (sexual fantasy), Ritualization (cruising craigslist), Compulsion (acting on impulse) and Despair (regret for the action). The regret triggers more preoccupation and the cycle repeats only each time the regret worsens. My SO's siblings have other addictions and while addiction is likely genetic, family members do not not always manifest identical addictions.
> 
> ...


I was in your shoes with a very similar story. I, too, first examined reasons that would explain this behavior, including the one you mention above. Like you, I was also in a long distance relation. Like you, she also indicated that she had very minimal dating experience.

After a year, I finally accepted the most common reason applied to my situation. It's also very simple: She saw me as a dependable back-up plan in case the other guys didn't work out. 

It really really sucks, but that's the cold reality that you should deal with. Like me, I assume that you can also find attractive ladies who are crazy about you and love you.


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

What kills me is not the huge number of partners (assuming you were exclusive). But she laughed with one of them about her clueless boyfriend. *That would be you*. 

That shows a heartless disregard. That made it more exciting for her. No guilt or remorse; excitement! I can't think of a reason for you to stay. I would guess hers is that you may be her last chance to lock down a beta chump. 

*Run*.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Giving up assets? Getting a lawyer???

Geez, I was thinking she was just his SO, just a girlfriend, not even his wife. Boot her on her way and find a decent woman. SIMPLE. TOO simple.
NO questions, no if's, just move on.


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## truster (Jul 23, 2015)

Csocal said:


> As I mentioned, I've known this woman all my life and until last year, she had pretty much only ever had long term relationships, could count the number of sexual partners on two hands, and had never had a one night stand. This behavior is completely out of character


Or she's just hiding an equally checkered past and you haven't been around to accidentally uncover the lies until now.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Csocal;
After the gradual reveal (it took several months for me to extract all the ugly statistics) my SO recommitted and has done all the things I have required including STD testing said:


> After all that you found out about her especially trolling through a cheap rag sheet site like C.L. what makes you think that all of a sudden she can just go "Cold Turkey" and resume a normal life and sex life with you. If you look, you'll see that there isn't a "On/Off switch" on her back. Sooner or later she's going to get the urge to play again and where will that leave you?
> 
> One more thing so you fully understand. She used NO PROTECTION. That in itself should tell you that she only cares about herself and not a damn thing about you.
> 
> Do yourself a favor. Sit her down and tell her that her actions have given you cause to end it because she's not the person you thought she was and the images going though your head will never leave if your with her. Then say your goodbyes and move on. You can do a lot better then this. You think she would want you if the tables were turned and you were the one with the habit?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

If my wife will do stuff with another man that she won't do with me...

Done and out, not worth it. If you've gotten years of duty sex and she became a porn start to someone else, that says alot of how much she respects you.

Oh, you're too good and we're married so we can only do this...But he's just someone that I can let loose and do everything with

Good, I'll find someone who will do everything with me, here's the divorce papers, buh bye.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Csocal



> My SO is very intelligent, responsible and meticulously thorough in all areas of her life, but never asked any of the men to use protection and only went on birth control after a pregnancy scare.
> 
> The entire time she was juggling all these OM, we spoke on the phone every single day and I never had a clue.


The problem is you.

Not only do you have your SO on a pedestal but the dream version you have of her for so long is far different than the person she truly is.

It does take some *intelligence* to be able to lie to you and all the OM.

It does take some *responsibility* to have sex with these men in the AM or PM while still getting yo work on time and doing her job well.

And she is very *thorough* to hide her true self ( juggling multiple men, unprotected sex, handling you long distance, Craigslist, multiple chat sessions) that she fooled you until she sent you the rogue text by accident.

I truly think you need to sit back and evaluate yourself.

Sure ED can mess up any relationship. But when two people truly love each other and wait for ittttt..... respect each other ED can be discussed, cured or resolved to each other's emotional/physical satisfaction.

Your SO obviously did not get the memo or does not feel the same way about you, as you feel about her.

I think you both need to be honest with each other.

And I think your SO needs some serious therapy. Not just for her sexual addictions but the for the way she obviously enjoyed toying with multiple people......

Last but not least do yourself a favor and drop the dime on her ?Married OM. Let his wife know about your SO and the swingers clubs.

She deserves to know.

HM


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## Csocal (Nov 5, 2015)

My SO and I visited a new relationship counselor in her city today and obviously had to rehash all of her behavior again. That was painful but I did my best to keep a lid on my emotions for the sake of clarity and setting good groundwork for any future sessions.

I was disheartened that I had to redirect several times when I felt my SO was minimizing or leaving out important information. For example, my SO volunteered that she used CL to find sexual partners, but went on to minimize their numbers or the frequency of sexual liaisons.

The therapist raised her eyebrows several times at some of the gory details and asked SO if she bothered vetting her partners other than what they claimed on their CL ads or if SO was worried or frightened about her own safety from disease or bodily harm. My SO said "No".

I brought up sexual addiction and while the therapist said it was too early for her to diagnose, she did mention the availability of SLAA meetings in the area, and how such meetings had helped other patients.

In the end we barely scratched the surface but have another appointment scheduled.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

She's a dangerous lunatic who is completely out of touch with reality. You are gambling with your life every time you are near her.
Is that clear enough?


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Have you consider the possibility of bi-polar disorder - a mental disease that is often accompanied by an increase in libido and promiscuity?

Either way, sticking with this relationship is a long-term recipe for misery.


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## Csocal (Nov 5, 2015)

MarriedTex said:


> Have you consider the possibility of bi-polar disorder - a mental disease that is often accompanied by an increase in libido and promiscuity?


Therapist actually asked SO about this today. SO claims not but her sister is Bi-polar.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

This one is easy. Not married no kids, or assets to divide. Drop her quicker than a bad habbit


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

Csocal said:


> Therapist actually asked SO about this today. SO claims not but her sister is Bi-polar.


What are you doing ?


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Csocal said:


> Therapist actually asked SO about this today. SO claims not but her sister is Bi-polar.


If this is the case, no amount of counseling will help your relationship. This is a hideous disease that will cause you - as her potential spouse - uncounted days of misery and anguish. You have not taken the vows of "sickness and health," so I don't see any plausible reason to stick around for this.

Consider the following. Bi-polar disorder runs in families. Not only would your partner be subject to some pretty off-the-wall episodes of behavior, you could also face a future where your children would wrestle with the same affliction. This disease will not only be something she wrestles with. It would become something that dictates the course of your life and the bulk of your family relationships. Life is challenging enough without willingly, knowingly taking on this type of soul-sucking mental affliction. Run, run like the wind.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

Csocal said:


> My SO and I visited a new relationship counselor in her city today and obviously had to rehash all of her behavior again. That was painful but I did my best to keep a lid on my emotions for the sake of clarity and setting good groundwork for any future sessions.
> 
> I was disheartened that I had to redirect several times when I felt my SO was minimizing or leaving out important information. For example, my SO volunteered that she used CL to find sexual partners, but went on to minimize their numbers or the frequency of sexual liaisons.
> 
> ...


I don't know, I would be afraid she would end up meeting other OM's at these meetings. not that it is a place for sex addicts to hook up but it happens.
unlike AA meetings where there is no alcohol (damn it) you can't say that with SLAA

Maybe I am just thinking about it all wrong:surprise:


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

If you want to marry and fix her, go for it.
You seem to be choosing the advice that gives you the belief that it is a mental condition that can be fixed with love, therapy and elbow grease.
Well, you are not a young lad anymore so you know exactly what you are in for.

It is unfair and on her what she has put you thru but If you choose to stay knowing this, well.......
But hey, it could work out right?
I mean it couldn't be that you had her figured wrong


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

I will say it again first time for you, if you want to fix somthing other than yourself buy a cheap house or a car with potential 


And I will add that you are not the failure in this sad tale unless you stay around and get hiv. 

To make a new geico ad of this chicanery, "If you are a ho that trolls Craigslist looking for a gangbang and meets up with five men in a hotel room with a 4k cam, and they keep you so busy that you have to use both hands its what you do. If you want to save %15 on car insurance....."


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So, what is making you so da**ed interested in staying with this wacko? Is she that good in bed?
Does she do good laundry? Fantastic cook? 
I mean, what are you getting out of this relationship that makes you willing to risk your life?
You are crazier than she is if you CHOOSE to continue this relationship.
FAR CRAZIER. And she is pretty danged crazy to be having unprotected sex with strange men.


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## Csocal (Nov 5, 2015)

I really do appreciate all your input, but while I've realized most of you who visit this thread have your own axes to grind and wounds to heal, calling me or my GF names doesnt really help with my chosen course of reconciliation.

Despite there only being 408 threads in "Long Term Success In Marriage" compared to 13,277 in "Coping with Infidelity", more than 50% of marriages do survive infidelity. Maybe one of you might share how you and your partner worked through the storm to come out the other side united and secure.

How do I rebuild respect and trust?
How do I stop affair imagery rumination?
How do I defuse my desire to punish?
How do we build a structure for recovery, a safe environment and a goal of relationship stabilization?


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Well, she already wants to stay with you do you have the reconciliation part down.

The other stuff, well you go to a therapist and work it out.
But even a therapist will tell you that these thoughts will most likely never disappear.
They will pop up.
They are now part of your life experience.
Even those 50% that reconcile (I will trust your numbers) will still have triggers and issues.

You want things to go back to the way they were?
Not going to happen because she isn't who you idolized all that time.

What will happen is you will learn to live with it if you so choose.
How to live with it I do not know.
Therapy, monitoring, and exeraise when stressed is the best advice I can give you


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Csocal said:


> I really do appreciate all your input, but while I've realized most of you who visit this thread have your own axes to grind and wounds to heal, calling me or my GF names doesnt really help with my chosen course of reconciliation.
> 
> Despite there only being 408 threads in "Long Term Success In Marriage" compared to 13,277 in "Coping with Infidelity", *more than 50% of marriages do survive infidelity*. Maybe one of you might share how you and your partner worked through the storm to come out the other side united and secure.
> 
> ...


Where do you get the more than 50% survive infidelity? I would like to see that research because for what I have seen cheating is a behavior pattern that is very likely to be repeated. (Infidelity is the, or close to The number one cause of divorce). In other words you are going to deal with this aspect of her for as long as you stay with her. That's what people are trying wake you up from, you aren't listening. 

You have an illusion of what she is instead of seeing the reality of what she is.

Stay at your own peril

Please please don't make children with this women :frown2:


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## Csocal (Nov 5, 2015)

Wolf1974 said:


> Where do you get the more than 50% survive infidelity? I would like to see that research...


From Fox News Magazine, Scott Haltzman- "More than 50 percent of marriages can survive infidelity. Although the relationship may break up from other issues in the future, many couples are surprised when they find that they can stay together after an affair."

Dave Carder, licensed marriage and family therapist and author of Torn Asunder: Recovery from Extramarital Affairs also offers this encouraging stat. “The good news is there are huge numbers of marriages that don’t just survive affairs, they are significantly better than they were before the affair. The key to a marriage surviving an affair lies in its good marital history. If 20 percent of a couple’s history is simultaneously viewed as positive by both spouses, they have a better than 90 percent chance of making it.”

And here are some indisputable stats from the "Good Relationship History" w/my GF:
11,993 Days Pre-cheating (no cheating)
255 Days Cheating
257 Days Post-cheating (no cheating)
Perhaps this will make it easier to understand why I am inclined to view my GF's outrageous and out-of-character behavior as an aberration., and why I am not ready to throw 33 years of the best relationship of my entire life over a sordid seven months, which although painful, is eight incident-free months in the past.


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## Csocal (Nov 5, 2015)

Wolf1974 said:


> Infidelity is the, or close to The number one cause of divorce. :


According to a recent survey of 191 CDFA professionals from across North America, the three leading causes of divorce are "basic incompatibility" (43%), "infidelity" (28%), and "money issues" (22%).


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Csocal said:


> How do I rebuild respect and trust?
> How do I stop affair imagery rumination?
> How do I defuse my desire to punish?
> How do we build a structure for recovery, a safe environment and a goal of relationship stabilization?


You don't, she does. Understand the more you do to try to save this the less work she has to do and SHE is the one that broke this. Stop worrying about cleaning up HER mess. This is her responsibility.

This is how they need to be asked:

How will SHE earn my respect and trust?
How will SHE stop affair imagery rumination?
How will SHE defuse my desire to punish?
How will SHE build a structure for recovery, a safe environment and a goal of relationship stabilization?

These are questions you need to ask her, not us.

If this is going to work you need to stop being so desperate and she is going to have to proactively put your mind at ease. It can be done (my FWW did it) but she has to be the one that does it.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

in your case, you are not trying to 'survive AN affair'.

you are trying to survive MANY affairs. there's a big difference and the odds go down exponentially.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

also, i read one of the articles you are referring to and one important point they make in 
discussing surviving an affair is that "the cheating spouse does not actively go looking for an affair", rather circumstances,
bad decision making and vulnerability lead them into it. they never actually meant to have an affair. but they did.

in your gf. case, she was actively seeking affairs. that's a totally different thing than what the articles are discussing.


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## Csocal (Nov 5, 2015)

ArmyofJuan said:


> These are questions you need to ask her, not us.


Okay but I can hardly expect her to control affair imagery rumination in my own head, or my counterproductive desire to punish her, can I? Nor do I believe establishing a successful recovery structure, building a secure atmosphere or setting relationship goals should just my GF's responsibility.

The over used You Broke It, You Fix It mentality is childish. A relationship is not The Pottery Barn. I prefer to participate in the things that shape my life.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Csocal said:


> According to a recent survey of 191 CDFA professionals from across North America, the three leading causes of divorce are "basic incompatibility" (43%), "infidelity" (28%), and "money issues" (22%).


Which is like I said it's the number one or close to top spot. My guess would be that if you knew why so many "suddenly became incompatible" I think you would find its because because of who someone is screwing

Look you can do what you like. Many of us have lived through infidelity and know about the likely hood of her changing. I was there myself, overlooked my GFs cheating, married her and then, after 2 kids, got cheated on. History is a good indication of future behavior. 

Just realize this choice you make now maybe the one you look back on years later and go WTF was I thinking. 

Good luck either way


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Csocal said:


> It is my hope that some practical advice from others in the same boat might help.
> 
> I welcome your comments.


Csocal,

You seem like an intelligent man. You asked for advice and comments. So far, you've received 5 pages worth of just that. I don't recall one post that suggested reconciling with your SO was a good idea. 

So, you choose to ignore the advice. Fine. Now, you've started another thread asking for successful R tips.

You asked for advice from others "in the same boat". I believe you will be hard pressed to find those posters. Why? One, because with a similar circumstance as yours, they likely would not have agreed to R in the first place; and two, because even if they did, there's no one with a success story to tell.

I've been in R for four years and my wife's betrayal was brutal. Is it successful? I hope so, but it's still to early to say with certainty. But she wasn't a serial cheater, and she did not solicit and engage in unprotected sex with multiple men from CL. I'm fairly confident that if she had, I wouldn't have even considered R. That's why I, along with all the other posters, have given you the advice that you've received.

That said, I hope you're the rare exception and have a wonderful R; that you can get past the mind movies, the regret, the distrust; that she doesn't cheat again, and that you don't catch a life threatening STD. And I hope that one day you will be able to advise another poster of how you ignored all the advice, and successfully R'd with a damaged, serial cheater.

Good luck.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Csocal said:


> ArmyofJuan said:
> 
> 
> > These are questions you need to ask her, not us.
> ...



Short answer: Time

Real answer: therapy will help, religion may help, etc...
You want something that will erase these memories from your head where they will no longer hurt or affect you?
Probably not going to happen because from what you are writing, this betrayal with multiple partners and wreck less abandon is mind boggling.
It defies anything you have ever thought possible of what you thought she was.

In perspective.
I would still be astounded if a promiscuous 20somethibg single woman did these things.

You know all this.
You want something that will take the pain away.

Well, time and therapy.
Most of us here have no idea how to get over betrayal of this magnitude while still staying with the other person.
So they tell you to get away to clear your head.
Separate so you can see the situation from a different perspective!
Once that is done, and you truly decide you want to be with her you are in a better head space to see what needs to be done.
You can see what she needs to show you.

Other than that- therapy and time.
Lots of both


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Csocal said:


> I really do appreciate all your input, but while I've realized most of you who visit this thread have your own axes to grind and wounds to heal, calling me or my GF names doesnt really help with my chosen course of reconciliation.
> 
> It's called learning from experience. A wise person learns by listening to others who have experienced certain situations. And your GF-- can you really label her with YOUR GF??? Apparently, she is every person on craigslist's GF. They're having sex with her. What word would you use to describe a person that solicits strangers for sex and meets them and has sex with them unprotected, then returns to her "BF" without mentioning this? I would conservatively call this kind of person "Dangerous".
> 
> ...


You CAN'T! In spite of whatever she says, she doesn't want that with you. Why can't you see this? What your "GF" has done is CRAZY. You are risking your life having sex with this person.
BUt it's your life, enjoy it however you can.
I wish you luck---you're going to need it!

BTW, I know this hurts, and I have no desire to do that to you. But you are doing something that is so incredibly dangerous that you are likely to die as a result of it. I'd feel like a bigger arse to just be gentle with your feelings and let you keep this crap up and die, than I would telling you the harsh truth. ANYBODY with an IQ above my shoe size would tell you the same.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Csocal

You have been given some good advice. So don't cop out and say that a good number of the posters have axes to grind when it comes to infidelity.

I have been with the same woman for 30 years. Married to her for 23 years. We have worked through my health issues (diabetes, Ed, and as of today stage 4 cancer) and not once has she cut bait, ran or decided to have an affair.

And I am not telling you to leave your GF.

Go back and read my post on the previous page.

Encourage your GF to get the professional counseling. She needs it. She made a conscious decision to cheat. She made a conscious to lie to you.

That is not an aberration.

It is ok to love her. But love is not enough for any relationship. You need mutual respect, honest communication and healthy boundaries.

And she needs to fix her issues before you two can work on your relationship......

Good Luck,

HM


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## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

Holy crap HM! 

I won't pray for you because I'm an atheist and it would be disingenuous. 

But I'll be thinking of you and constantly hoping for the best man.

And I'll say that the fact you're still posting your brilliant, spot on brand of advice for strangers (even those who won't listen) while dealing with such an overwhelmingly HORRIBLE diagnosis makes you the physical embodiment of why I put my faith in humanity.


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

Csocal said:


> From Fox News Magazine, Scott Haltzman- "More than 50 percent of marriages can survive infidelity. Although the relationship may break up from other issues in the future, many couples are surprised when they find that they can stay together after an affair."
> 
> Dave Carder, licensed marriage and family therapist and author of Torn Asunder: Recovery from Extramarital Affairs also offers this encouraging stat. “The good news is there are huge numbers of marriages that don’t just survive affairs, they are significantly better than they were before the affair. The key to a marriage surviving an affair lies in its good marital history. If 20 percent of a couple’s history is simultaneously viewed as positive by both spouses, they have a better than 90 percent chance of making it.”
> 
> ...


Ok, need to call you on that. Go ahead an reconcile if that is what you want but do not try to argue logic. 

Would you say , I committed murder only on one day of my 15,000(40 years) days on earth which is 0.00006%. so you cannot arrest me for murder because it is a negligible number ?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

OP, all the Fox news pro-R statistics in the world won't mean jack to you when she does this again and it finally sinks in. 

I say when because it's very basic psychology. You can't change her personality because you wish to. Her history shows a very dangerous pattern of behavior (for MARRIED/MONOGAMOUS life) that neither you nor anyone here (I know of) are qualified to properly diagnose or treat. It's behavior that she would need to work on to change WITHOUT YOU, because if she were to change, she would have to see the benefits of changing FOR HER, not just for YOU or even just for the RELATIONSHIP. If she does not see value in changing for her sake, but yours, she will always see you as the thing keeping her from being herself. Her behavior demonstrates that she seems pretty fine with being herself! 

At the end of the day, we are not you. We can only offer insight into personal experience. You must do what you think is right.


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## Csocal (Nov 5, 2015)

sparrow555 said:


> I committed murder only on one day of my 15,000(40 years) days on earth which is 0.00006%. so you cannot arrest me for murder because it is a negligible number ?


Hmm... I like the analogy angle.

Try this one...

If you had gotten terribly soaked _once_ in a rainstorm almost a year ago, and this morning the weather forecasted a continuing 2.13% chance of rain every day from now on, would you carry an umbrella every single day for the rest of your life?

No. Although aware of the remote likelihood of getting wet, you'd live your life as normally as possible, keeping an eye out for dark clouds.

(2.13% accurately represents the amount of cheating in my 33 yr relationship.)


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Csocal said:


> Hmm... I like the analogy angle.
> 
> Try this one...
> 
> ...


Unlike the weather, which can be forecasted on a day to day basis with reasonable certainty; cheating - not so much. If only it could be.

Thus, we are forced to heavily rely on past behavior as a predictor.


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## Csocal (Nov 5, 2015)

happyman64 said:


> You have been given some good advice. So don't cop out and say that a good number of the posters have axes to grind when it comes to infidelity.


Thank to you and others who have offered actual advice rather than taking the opportunity to 2x4 a fellow BS when he's down (apparently a rite of passage here), shaming my SO or indulging in creative fantasies of what might have been my SO's specific sexual behaviors while cheating or will surely be again should I not immediately "dump her", look away for a moment or even blink. I'm also grateful for the encouraging private messages I've received by long time members who admitted being afraid to offer them on this thread.

Posts like yours Happyman64 have been the exception. I don't really consider being called "Neutered" and "emasculated" or my SO "S.L.U.T.", "a disgusting person", "low on the scale of human evolution" or "a$$hole", advice at all.

And since I'm the kind of guy who wouldn't let some stranger off the street tell me what time it is without checking my watch, I've certainly taken the time to read original threads started by many of my most vocal "relationship advisers", and the amount of sad baggage revealed was predictably vast.

I was so discouraged by the tone of responses here that I started another thread asking specifically for success stories, an effort on my part to stay focused, hopeful and positive about the future which I must point out has actually _provoked criticism_ here. 

While I understand that pain changes people, I'm still surprised and disappointed that so many members who've been in similar shoes not long ago, who once tried so hard to save their own relationships are now so quick to urge me to give up on mine. 

I'm not there yet. Please don't view my optimism and dedication as delusion. Things may not work out in the end, but I will know that I tried and feel good about myself. We'll never be able to erase the past but w/the help of counseling and therapy, we will continue to work hard to heal.

Our next session is tomorrow.


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

Csocal said:


> Hmm... I like the analogy angle.
> 
> Try this one...
> 
> ...



So she was cheating on you once every 46 days or roughly twice every three months ?

Ok, this is devolving into stupidity now.. 

You do not want honest answers. You've already decided to reconcile and then want to manipulate your reality around that outcome. I cannot blame you if that is what you want even if I disagree.

But when you are trying to make other people buy this reality and believe it, there will be resistance.


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## truster (Jul 23, 2015)

Csocal said:


> (2.13% accurately represents the amount of cheating in my 33 yr relationship.)


Didn't you say you two lived apart for most of this time? What is it that makes you think she wasn't into similar things during this time, and you just weren't around to stumble across the evidence?

If it's just her word on the matter.. well, you're familiar by now with what we call 'trickle truth', right? It's a cheater's stock and trade.


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

Csocal said:


> Thank to you and others who have offered actual advice rather than taking the opportunity to 2x4 a fellow BS when he's down (apparently a rite of passage here), shaming my SO or indulging in creative fantasies of what might have been my SO's specific sexual behaviors while cheating or will surely be again should I not immediately "dump her", look away for a moment or even blink. I'm also grateful for the encouraging private messages I've received by long time members who admitted being afraid to offer them on this thread.
> 
> Posts like yours Happyman64 have been the exception. I don't really consider being called "Neutered" and "emasculated" or my SO "S.L.U.T.", "a disgusting person", "low on the scale of human evolution" or "a$$hole", advice at all.
> 
> ...


I do not think it is dedication. Calling it dedication would be glorifying unhealthy behavior. You have noble intentions but my view is that you are misguided.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your girlfriend met random, highly promiscuous men and had unprotected sex with them. She hid this behavior from you until you found out in your own. This went on for quite a long time, and probably is still happening.

What do you expect a reasonable person to tell you? 
Her behavior is off the chart crazy. You should be frightened at the health risk you were exposed to by your gf. But instead, you're hoping for tales of how Joe fixed crazy. I think you will be hard pressed to find any success stories.


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## Csocal (Nov 5, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> Your girlfriend met random, highly promiscuous men and had unprotected sex with them... You should be frightened at the health risk you were exposed to by your gf.


Of course I was horrified!

Since D-Day my SO has done all that I have required of her, first of which was being broad spectrum tested TWICE for STD's including HIV and handing me the results. She is ashamed, remorseful and says everyday how she is afraid I will leave her and how grateful she is to be offered a second chance. She wants to repair what she damaged and we're communicating better than we ever have. Her transparency is 100%.



Evinrude58 said:


> What do you expect a reasonable person to tell you? ...You're hoping for tales of how Joe fixed crazy.


Look Evinrude58, I'm truly sorry you failed to reconcile w/ur WS despite your desire to do so, but before you imply that I am foolish for wanting the same, permit me to remind you how hard it is to give up on someone even when they are already gone...



Evinrude58 said:


> She has been incredibly cruel to me but I can't turn off my love for her even though I know she doesn't deserve it... She flaunts herself on dating sites. I am to the point of not being able to deal with it. I know other people have made it through but I'm losing hope that I will ever be happy again... She's the love of my life. I don't see her as replaceable.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

lostmyreligion said:


> Holy crap HM!
> 
> I won't pray for you because I'm an atheist and it would be disingenuous.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
Wow sorry to hear this:crying:
End t/j


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I suggest you study "outcome independence". Good luck.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

happyman64 said:


> Csocal
> 
> You have been given some good advice. So don't cop out and say that a good number of the posters have axes to grind when it comes to infidelity.
> 
> ...


Dude. Cancer?

What's the prognosis...?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

OP,
I DO know how hard it is! That's why I'm trying to tell you to drop her. If you think this behavior will end, you are as delusional as I was. Hoping for the illogical cost me untold pain. I am trying to get you to avoid this. When I found out my ex was still in contact with other men, I asked her to leave. I would have been weak and let her back, just like you, if given the opportunity. Now that I'm free from it all, I wish like hell I'd have kicked her out sooner and never looked back. 
If you are foolish enough to trust this person again, it will be your own fault when she reverts to past behavior. I wish it wasn't true. I have no axe to grind with your gf. I just have more experience at this than you. You are only drawing out your pain with her.
But I have done my best to reason with you. I'll remove myself from your thread, and wish you the best of luck with finding a trustworthy woman in the future.


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

Please, make sure you have INDIVIDUAL counselling for yourself. Furthermore, please, google "No more mr. nice guy pdf" and "Toxic parents pdf", two excellent books available online for free that might help you tremendously. It won't hurt you to take a look at them. Best wishes


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