# Proceeding towards divorce, my current options



## AlterEgoist (Mar 6, 2012)

My story so far: here and here

Cliffs: Wife is having an emotional affair, I found out it totally by accident, wife puts all the blame on me. 

It's been about a month, and while there is doubt in her mind, her mindset is to proceed towards divorce. She says she still needs time to think. Right now, emotionally, she's attracted to the OM, but physically, she's attracted to me. Crappy situation, I know. I'm about to adopt the 180, and I need to move forward with my life, and stop waiting for her to make up her mind. Keep in mind I think I want her back.

A few side notes: 
I'm taking Cialis. I don't know if it's the pill or what, but right now my sex drive is through the roof. 
We have no kids.

I have three options here, and I will list the pros/cons.

*Option 1:* We live in the same house. We sleep in separate bedrooms.
_Pros:_
It will maintain our current financial situation. The only things jointly in our names are the cell phone and the mortgage.
I still get to sleep in my own bed. 
We have can sex without emotional boundaries because I want to prove that I can perform.

_Cons:_
She's still around. Thoughts and feelings are always there.
Tension is so thick you can cut it with a knife.
We still have sex, because of physical desire for each other, and it certainly doesn't help things.
There's no real sense of missing each other, since we would see each other every day.

*Option 2:* She moves out.
_Pros:_ 
I get to sleep in my own bed.
She messed up, so she has to leave.

_Cons:_
I take on all financial responsibility, which means $1100/month less I have. Probably couldn't afford a lawyer at this point. 
I can't pay down my credit card bills as I would like.
The cats are my responsibility.
The sense of finality, that the marriage may truly be over.

*Option 3:* I move out.
_Pros:_
I have a place where I can stay rent-free.
She takes on all financial responsibility for the house, which frees up a tremendous amount of money for me. 
The cats are her responsibility.
My social life frees up because I lose the financial burden.
I feel that this puts me in the driver's seat. It's up to her to file for divorce, to sell the house, or consider reconciliation.

_Cons:_
While she can barely afford it, I would feel sorry in putting her in that situation, although she's the one who messed everything up.
I shouldn't be the one that has to leave.

I'm leaning towards Option 3, but I'd like to see if anyone has any input for me and what they would do if they were in my shoes. The eventual goal is to hope for R, but that's up to her to recover from her fog. Otherwise I want to be in control of my life.


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## AlterEgoist (Mar 6, 2012)

Ouch. No replies? =(


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

You're not being realistic at all, none of your options and justifications for those options make any sense at all.

She's having an affair, at least an EA and maybe more, you really have no way of knowing.

She's not remorseful, she wants to "think about" whether she wants to stay married to you. It's game over man, nothing to save there, face it, accept it and THEN start really considering options, and you'll see it gets much easier when you're more rational.

You cannot reside together indefinitely and just sort of play house and have sex, that's totally dysfunctional and no way to live your life.

One or both of you leave (and sell the house and split the equity). Depending on your income levels you may end up supporting her regardless of who leaves. 

With those things in mind, along with the fact that you have a place to stay rent free the best option is to draft a separation agreement that will lead to a fast, amicable divorce, and get the heck out of there ASAP (only after you've legally covered your ass).

End of story.


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## AlterEgoist (Mar 6, 2012)

Hrm, ok, I guess that's fair. 

I believe that she is totally conflicted. I tried to stay away from the topic at hand this past weekend but she was the one who keeps bringing stuff up like "My mind is a jumbled mess, I have school and work and you to think about" and "I am totally terrified about all this." She said she needed last weekend to reflect upon all she's done. Well that didn't happen and she needs more time.

I told her this weekend I'm heading out of town for a day or so, to get away myself and really think about what's going to happen. At the same time, she's going to do the same (apparently). 

My mind is already made up to proceed towards divorce and I am going to tell her without her coming to her decision. I am hoping for R, but I'm not going to fight it anymore. I hope that it's a pretty simple divorce - all our accounts save the mortgage and cell phone are separate. We also have no other assets other than what's in the house. And she stated that it would be an even split down the middle as we have no kids, and our salaries are pretty similar.

But I believe that both of us can no longer live together when I drop the bomb on Sunday night. I've already made plans to move out on April 1st, but I wanted to examine all my other options before I actually say anything to her. Thus, me asking for advice here.


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