# I feel like i ran him off andI am really depressed. I just need to vent



## Maddy7 (Jan 7, 2016)

I heard from a friend who wrote on here before that this site is really good for advice so i thought i would vent lol. I met this guy recently and we really hit it off. We talked on the phone for 3 hours and had great conversation. Things moved pretty quickly.The next day he asked me to the park and then out to dinner. At the park we talked and had amazing chemistry and walked around. While we were sitting on the bench talking he kissed me. I felt such sparks. I haven't felt that sort of connection and I find it is really hard to come by. After dinner we talked in his car and then kissed a lot again. He said he had an amazing time and after the date we text saying how much fun we had. 

The next day he was very engaging and asked if i wanted to come stay over. I went over and although not planned we had sex. He text me the next morning after i left and things seemed okay. I told him during the day about some health stuff i am going through (he knew some of my health stuff as i like to be up front with guys i am dating about it), but i was just told 2 days ago i need to be screened for cancer due to some symptoms I have been having lately. 

I started thinking if i was being selfish dating someone with all the health stuff i have going on, and stupidly told him this even though i really like him. I got a bit emotional after getting the call, and how i didn’t know if it was fair to start out us dating with him hearing all about my health stuff and sort of being caught up in it. I said i really liked him because i do and this was in no way a let down or brush off. I was just concerned it was a bad way to start things and too much for someone at the beginning.

He came back saying my health issues didn’t bother him but what did bother him a little is how i seem to be falling quickly. He said he felt pressure so early on for it to work out and if it didn’t he wouldn’t want to hurt me, but he really likes me, and he didn’t want to come off as a jerk or being mean but he just wanted to be honest. 

Conversation rest of the day didn’t seem as frequent and engaging as usual, and when i told him later about the cancer screening he just said “oh when is that,?” and when i told him he didn’t reply. After a while i felt a bit paranoid and said “I get the feeling you are overwhelmed by my health stuff,” to which he just replied “been napping.”

I didn’t reply for an hour as i just felt the lack of engaging showed lack of interest, and then he just sent another message saying “Some beautiful young lady kept me from sleeping as much as an old man needs,” he is 8 years older than me so i guess he is making a joke about being old. He then proceeded to tell me that the health stuff does overwhelm him a little because I seem to be worrying a lot about it so maybe we should just cool things off. I got really upset when he said this because I felt like he was blowing me off and we had just slept together, so I told him I felt like now we had slept together he had got what he wanted.

The next morning I text him apologizing about what I said and said it wasn't fair for me to assume he just wanted that and we could cool things off if that is what he wanted. He then responded saying he thought I was a great girl and blah blah blah but the comment I made about him just wanting sex turned him off and although it looks bad timing wise in terms of him saying this after we had sex, he couldn't make himself feel a way he didn't.

This upset me more and I proceeded the whole day to explain to him that I know I came across a bit overwhelming with all the health worries but I just wanted to be honest with him, and I guess I got really caught up in all my emotions and may have also come on a little strong.

It then got a bit ugly, and he went from telling me we could have salvaged things in a few weeks if the dust had settled and that was the plan he had (although he told me he was turned off and sorry it didn't work out), to telling me basically he didn't want to talk to me anymore and he was sorry if he wasn't clear enough about that, and once I gave him my address to send my earrings to if I wanted him to (as I left them at his house), that i would never hear from him again and we could just delete each others numbers.

I went back saying I just hated how hateful this had become and I didn't want to end things like this and I was sorry for pushing him and not just letting things be, to which he never replied. I know this sounds a big drama, and there isn't much advice to be offered, but I just felt like we met at a really emotional time in my life when things went from great to ugly in 4 days, and I feel completely bummed out because I feel like I ruined things with him.

I want my earrings back but at this point I don't really want to text him again with my address because I just feel like he will get annoyed at me, and I am still very upset and still need to calm down. I hate bad feeling with people and I just wish we could have ended as friends. I feel like this could have been revisited in a few weeks when things had settled, but now I just feel like he thinks I am crazy and hates me


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Just text him back and tell him to leave your earrings in his mailbox for you to grab when he's not there, and then delete his number.

It sounds like you have too much going on in your life to start dating and to be objective about it -- things progressed way too quickly and with too much expectation.

When you can either hold back on sex for a while or not see sex as a commitment and you get your life sorted, start dating then.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

OP your signals were all over the place, if I was the guy I would have backed off as well, way to much drama so soon. 

Good luck with your health issues, focus on yourself before trying to date again.


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## Maddy7 (Jan 7, 2016)

Thanks. I guess it is probably best to just not contact about the earrings at this point and just let that go. I wish it could be salvaged at this point but seems impossible now.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You know, I can't help feeling that you had a lucky escape.


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## Maddy7 (Jan 7, 2016)

It is interesting the difference of opinions here. What makes you think that?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Maddy7 said:


> It is interesting the difference of opinions here. What makes you think that?


Because he didn't have time for your health concerns.

Most men/women I know who have got together with people who are ill do not bail out on them.

I think you found out what sort of a person he is very early on, rather than later. Which is good.

The ear rings? Put them down as the cost of finding out the truth about him before you got in too deep.

BTW, how are your health issues?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Never text him again and don't date anyone else until you get your health issues resolved.

Reminds me of this scene from the movie Swingers.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZChD_Gni8U


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I have cancer health issues...and it is primarily the reason why I am not dating.

As for your situation...it moved too quickly in my mind. You allowed yourself to be open and it just progressed to sex way too soon, leaving you pretty much vulnerable and insecure. When you started bringing that insecurity to him and try to validate the status of the relationship, you pretty much scared him off.


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## Maddy7 (Jan 7, 2016)

I have to be screened for lymphoma along with screenings for reproductive cancers. I also have an autoimmune disease which is hard. I was so upfront because it has bothered people in the past. I think I did tell him too much too soon. I wish it didn't end so badly. We had such a great connection and continuing friendly would have been nice. We could have always seen if there was potential later, but I guess it is out of my control if he doesn't wish to speak with me. I just wish it hadn't gotten so ugly.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Maddy7 said:


> I have to be screened for lymphoma along with screenings for reproductive cancers. I also have an autoimmune disease which is hard. I was so upfront because it has bothered people in the past. I think I did tell him too much too soon. I wish it didn't end so badly. We had such a great connection and continuing friendly would have been nice. We could have always seen if there was potential later, but I guess it is out of my control if he doesn't wish to speak with me. I just wish it hadn't gotten so ugly.


My new girlfriend told me of her -similar, as it happens, health problems.

I promised her that I would be there for her. And I was, attending clinics with her, etc. 

I did something else that I never told her about until years later, I prayed that some of her health issues could be transferred to me as I felt I was stronger and better able to cope with them.

We are still together, 26 years later. 

You'll find someone.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Let this man go. Forget about the earrings. He doesn't want to be a part of your life. Sorry about your health problems. You should not go into the dating scene, until you can manage your health. You need to focus on yourself.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

Texting is one of the worst ways to communicate. Especially when you don't know someone. It should really only be used for the most basic messages back and forth with people you know and that's because it is wayyyy too easy to misconstrue or read more into than is there.

My first piece of advice is to slow down. There's nothing wrong with having sex with anyone if you feel like it but be careful about associating early sexual experiences with anything else. It doesn't mean he's interested in you emotionally...it means he's interested in your sexually only. So this type of sex has to come with no strings on your side.

My second piece of advice is that you're over-communicating. I'm the type of woman who is more unemotional and thinks more guy-like and I don't do well with people who constantly text me. In fact, when I was dating, it would creep me out. If you texted me this much in a days or two days time, I'd figure you were high drama and not be interested...especially if you were getting into stuff of this depth early on.

I think you want to have a relationship and that's great but to have one, you really need to back up a bit and give yourself time to assess the person in various scenarios. Assessing a guy on the first and second date gives you very little information about who he is.

I don't think there's anything wrong with being up-front and honest and clearly stating what you want. I just think you have to be careful about downloading too much info too fast before someone can absorb it.

You didn't do anything wrong really. You just went too fast with a guy who got overwhelmed with it (and who might be a douche for all you know) and expected more than he was ready to give.

Next time, just take it a bit slower and if you're looking for a long-term relationship, wait longer to have sex. And ease up on the texting. I wish you the best with your health issues.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I see it two ways. You got WAY too personal in too short of a time. That usually scares the crap out of guys and makes you look...not emotionally healthy. Try watching The Bachelor to see how men react when women (1) unload their own stuff on the man or (2) try to make the guy feel bad. I love watching it because you can always spot the woman who's going to complain to the Bachelor that she's not getting enough of his time. True to form, this season, first episode, the 'crazy' one ended up berating (!) the Bachelor for not LOOKING at her during the rose ceremony! I'm like, dude, do you want him to pick you next week or not? Back off!

I also think you should have waited quite a while longer before having sex. Save it for someone you know well and have a REAL connection with. Sad as it is, there IS still a double standard, and guys DO form opinions of girls who give it up that quickly. They like to pursue. 

As for him, he's like a lot of guys and doesn't know what to do with a girl who comes on that strong. So you're probably better off to keep looking.

But take some time to take a look at the direction that conversation took. You made a LOT of assumptions about him and you didn't know him well enough to do that. You might benefit from reading Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

(step by step, as I have your post in the screen to my right)

You meet _recently_, and in a short time:

chatted for 3 hrs
spend a casual time together, and 1 meal. made out. couple times.
exchanged txts. 
You decided things were moving quickly.

Did the sex thing on the day after, and stayed night.
You told him about your cancer screening (fair enough)

Then you start opening up your emotional baggage in your life, to someone you've only had 2 dates with (the csual day & sex day)

then he didn't spend every minute focused on you

you confront him on it
and bring up the cancer thing again

after a brief single hour, you still felt needy.
he replies sweetly, coyly, that he's seeing a man about a dog.
he tells you that he's resting after being rather active in the last few days and that since you're bringing up the health thing repeatedly it's drama you're creating between you.

you pack an emo at him
you think he somehow owes you because the pair of you shared a sexual moment.
so you _attack_ him verbally, accusing him of being totally shallow and a user, just wanting sex. The guy is tired, and his date seemed to be freaking over some overwhelming health problem, and you start into him about not giving you every moments attention you demand because you had sex and he owes it to you.

And the next morning, you continue with the _drama_
He explained fairly and openly that your personal attacks were some how unpleasant (go figure). [ed: it would also leaving him feeling raped and used over the having had the sex so early]

So you kept at him for the rest of the day ?!?!?

RUN FOREST RUN !!!!!!!!!!


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

He offered to send the earrings. why create yet more f...king drama !!! just give him the bl..dy place you want the earrings sent to! sheesh!


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

turnera said:


> I see it two ways. You got WAY too personal in too short of a time. That usually scares the crap out of guys and makes you look...not emotionally healthy. Try watching The Bachelor to see how men react when women (1) unload their own stuff on the man or (2) try to make the guy feel bad. I love watching it because you can always spot the woman who's going to complain to the Bachelor that she's not getting enough of his time. True to form, this season, first episode, the 'crazy' one ended up berating (!) the Bachelor for not LOOKING at her during the rose ceremony! I'm like, dude, do you want him to pick you next week or not? Back off!
> 
> I also think you should have waited quite a while longer before having sex. Save it for someone you know well and have a REAL connection with. Sad as it is, there IS still a double standard, and guys DO form opinions of girls who give it up that quickly. They like to pursue.
> 
> ...


many dont like to "pursue".

what they do like to to enjoy time doing things together and having fun


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

I have had cancer 2x in the past two years and could very well have it again. I date but I do not make it a big deal with women I do not know. 

I understand the emotions, however when you barely know someone and splurge all that onto them it is not going to come across well.

He likely was very concerned about your health, but based on the OP, it is hard to address that with someone you are just getting used to, and then to have the messages be all over the map as someone pointed out he probably felt just to keep his sanity he needed to disconnect.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

spotthedeaddog said:


> (step by step, as I have your post in the screen to my right)
> 
> You meet _recently_, and in a short time:
> 
> ...


That's is the same as I read the scenario. I'm not sure why anyone is blasting the guy, he tried to play nice but what should be expected from someone you have only known a short time. I don't think it was even a matter of her health issue, I think it was her emotional swings that scared him off, I'm sure he became frustrated.

OP I'm not trying to criticize you for being emotional right now, anyone would be upset with what you have on your plate. I think sometimes we only need to look as far as our mirror to see what happened. Chalk this up as an opps, learn from it and move along. 

I also see nothing wrong with getting your earrings back, just text him your address and say thanks for returning them.


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## Maddy7 (Jan 7, 2016)

I did personally feel like all my emotions too soon scared him off. Maybe an overlap of my health concerns making me very emotional, and then getting over clingy too fast. That is why I said in the title I feel like scared him off. I feel this was my doing. The only thing I got upset at was how harsh he was towards the end and contradicting and confusing. He flip flopped between hinting there could be potential in the future, to outright saying he didn't want to speak evert again and wanted to delete each others numbers once jewelry was sent back. I just found this a little hurtful. I didn't want it to end on a bad note and figured we could be friends if nothing else, and just didn't feel like it needed to get nasty. After I apologized he straight up ignored me. I just thought it was a bit cold.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Maddy7 said:


> I did personally feel like all my emotions too soon scared him off. Maybe an overlap of my health concerns making me very emotional, and then getting over clingy too fast. That is why I said in the title I feel like scared him off. I feel this was my doing. The only thing I got upset at was how harsh he was towards the end and contradicting and confusing. He flip flopped between hinting there could be potential in the future, to outright saying he didn't want to speak evert again and wanted to delete each others numbers once jewelry was sent back. I just found this a little hurtful. I didn't want it to end on a bad note and *figured we could be friends if nothing else*, and just didn't feel like it needed to get nasty. After I apologized he straight up ignored me. I just thought it was a bit cold.


Sex is a incredible bonding experience for some guys. Some guys cannot be 'just friends' with someone they were sexual with. If conversation goes well, guy is still going to think relationship is going to progress. If conversation turns to your new sex partner, guy is not going to deal well with hearing details. Not saying all guys are like this, but some are.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Maddy, first of all, I'm sorry about your health issues and I hope that you concentrate on taking good care of yourself first and foremostly. 

Now, I'm going to be blunt with you. This is all my opinion, but reading your posts thus far, I believe you're a very deeply insecure and scared woman right now. Too much so to be dating at the present. When you do date again, you need to decide the kind of woman you want to be and then live by your standards consistently. 

I do believe that guy wanted a fun relationship, and maybe it could have blossomed into more eventually, but he just wanted a fun and flirty time with a fun woman, and you went all serious and eventually a bit crazy mode on him. There's a time & place to get serious, but your relationship with this guy went way too fast. 

I am personally against having sex so early in a dating phase. Others here have long marriages after meeting and having sex early on, but they are outliers to me. Others think sex after 3 dates is to be expected. I believe sex happens exactly when you want it to, but you should always be aware of the MESSAGE it sends depending on the PHASE of your dating. 

I have often seen a woman who gives up the cookie early on, crying into her Häagen-Dazs the next day or soon after, because she's been iced out or dumped.

Its my belief that most dating men think of women in two ways: the kind you have lots of fun with and the kind you make an honest woman of. The first is almost always temporary or short term. The second endures for longer and sometimes leads to marriage. The two types are not mutually exclusive, but during the dating phase, when they don't know you well, I believe it is. So, you must project the woman you wish to be predominantly, even if inside you are a combination of both. 

When you have fun, flirt, share stories, laugh, have sex, this is all fun. You're a pretty all around fun woman in the moment. When you do the above and do not engage in sex, you're fun with an added standard. Some men will look upon that standard with respect and put you more into that "honest woman" box, some will see it as a fair challenge to break through your barriers, and still some may think that you're no fun and let you go. Whatever they think, it behooves you to never waver from the standard you determine. 

Men that respect or challenge you will keep going, maybe testing you here or there to see if the standard remains. If it doesn't, you have sex, and it's still early days, you're immediately, entirely back in the fun woman box. 

Hypothetically, If you wanted to be MORE with this guy, you've just unintentionally hurt your chances and in a few days, after blowing up his phone and going stage-5 clinger trying to convince him you're more, you may as well go buy the Häagen-Dazs and sit by the phone.

But if you care for yourself and hold yourself in high esteem, you'll keep the standard, and he'll either start to see the deeper woman inside and like it, or he'll walk away because he can't have sex with you soon enough and he realizes he actually does just want an all-around fun woman.

I was iced out by many men because I was fun with a standard. This preserved me from so much unnecessary drama and hurt, and brought men more in alignment with my value system, to my dating experience. 

Your guy did nothing wrong in my book, he was just overwhelmed by the real you far too soon. You didn't give yourself a chance to know him either.

Work on yourself for now. Any the above may disagree with some posters, but in my experience, it is my truth.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

IMO you overwhelmed him with TMI.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Satya said:


> Maddy, first of all, I'm sorry about your health issues and I hope that you concentrate on taking good care of yourself first and foremostly.
> 
> Now, I'm going to be blunt with you. This is all my opinion, but reading your posts thus far, I believe you're a very deeply insecure and scared woman right now. Too much so to be dating at the present. When you do date again, you need to decide the kind of woman you want to be and then live by your standards consistently.
> 
> ...



This is one of the best explanations I've read on TAM!:smile2:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Some people can NEVER be comfortable with a partner or spouse being ill.

Someone I know was in hospital with cancer and then with a bedsore and MRSA for three months.

His wife NEVER visited him once.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> This is one of the best explanations I've read on TAM!:smile2:


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

intheory said:


> Some people, mostly men and to a lesser extent, women; can have emotion-free sex.
> 
> That's what I've heard at least. I can't even imagine it myself.
> 
> ...


I am one of those too.. I was always aware of it.. I consider it a beautiful thing ...you just need to be more careful of the character of the man.. and this can NEVER NEVER NEVER be known as early as a few days.. this takes MONTHS.. experiencing things together.. a slow walk to know what someone is made of.. 

Here is a couple really good articles to explain this.. again...not all women are LIKE THIS...but some of us most definitely ARE.. with the right man.. it's something they will treasure. 

The Truth Behind Why Women Find It Harder To Have Casual Sex Than Men Do

Sex and Emotional Attachment | Top Secret Women's Business



> *Do you have any friends, family that can give you love and emotional support right now; so you don't feel weak and easily have sex with someone just for the feelings of love it gives you.
> 
> What you need right now is compassionate love; and physical healing. Not the complications of a new sexual relationship.
> 
> Take care of yourself.*


 very good advice.. surround yourself with those who are there for you.. friends, family...if you have any hobbies you've always enjoyed.... maybe take up a class.. this is a good way to meet new people, make new friends... 

With everything going on.. some sort of diversion could be very helpful ... that is a lot of worry.. my heart goes out to you.. dealing with all of this..


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Maddy, what jumped out at me is that you are being screened for possible cancer, but you don't know that you have it. The vibe you sent off was, possibly, oh, we're so close and we like each other, so let's just skip the get-to-know you phase and the honeymoon phase and go right to the phase of a LTR while you support me through this. 

But there isn't much more to add after some of the great posts here about moving too fast, sharing too much, and the great post by Satya about having a standard. 

Just slow down and if you can't manage dating AND your health issues right now, attend to your health issues. In my opinion, the time to tell about the cancer screening would have been later, when the relationship felt like it was gelling, or after the screening and you actually might be diagnosed with cancer. But you might not, and so all that drama did, I think, drive him away. 

All that said, it seems that the title of your thread, and your later posts on it, demonstrate that you did learn something important from this relationship, albeit a brief relationship; but the lessons you're learning from relationships will stand you in good stead and you'll be poised to be ready for a good one because you're open to learning. 

Good luck.


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## MichelleR (Jan 6, 2016)

I'm very sorry this happened to you. Use it as a learning experience and move on. I agree that you should start dating when things are more stable. I actually had sex with my husband on our second date and we obviously got married and have been happily married ten years and have three kids. I think I was a bit lucky though. I wouldn't recommend my daughters do the same thing as there is no harm in waiting a little and there is a lot to lose if you have sex too soon and it doesn't end up working out. However I don't think it was the early sex that caused the problem, I agree that it was the frequent texting and the drama that made him back off. If I were to date a guy that expected so much of me so soon I would have backed off too honestly.

When you first start dating someone it really should be all fun. If he sees that there's a lot of negativity and expectation right away he'll probably assume that it'll increase tenfold in the future. However you also want to be yourself and be honest. Therefore you shouldn't just pretend everything is fine if it isn't. Get yourself in a better place so you really can appreciate the joys of falling in love with someone.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OK, this is what I want you to do. 

Imagine him wearing the ear rings, with some nice high heel shoes and a cute little black c0cktail dress at some fancy function. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

Maddy7 said:


> I heard from a friend who wrote on here before that this site is really good for advice so i thought i would vent lol. I met this guy recently and we really hit it off. We talked on the phone for 3 hours and had great conversation. Things moved pretty quickly.The next day he asked me to the park and then out to dinner. At the park we talked and had amazing chemistry and walked around. While we were sitting on the bench talking he kissed me. I felt such sparks. I haven't felt that sort of connection and I find it is really hard to come by. After dinner we talked in his car and then kissed a lot again. He said he had an amazing time and after the date we text saying how much fun we had.
> 
> The next day he was very engaging and asked if i wanted to come stay over. I went over and although not planned we had sex. He text me the next morning after i left and things seemed okay. I told him during the day about some health stuff i am going through (he knew some of my health stuff as i like to be up front with guys i am dating about it), but i was just told 2 days ago i need to be screened for cancer due to some symptoms I have been having lately.
> 
> ...


OMG, chica, slow the hell down! The first mistake you made was having sex with him waaaay too soon. It kind of takes away his motivation to work on getting to know you as a person. Then you overwhelm him with emotional drama and he runs. You don't need to tell someone your life story on the first or second date, in fact I'd avoid it at this point. Then you bang him and think because you had sex that you are 'bonded' and in a relationship. Not the case! You were way too 'honest' with your feelings way too early on. He doesn't need to know every thought you have at the moment you have it. You need to keep your anxieties to yourself this early in a relationship, most men aren't going to jump into placating you, it takes time for them to want to deal with all your drama. Next time, just slow your roll and relax.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

THIS was your nail in the coffin:

"I got really upset when he said this because I felt like he was blowing me off and we had just slept together, so I told him I felt like now we had slept together he had got what he wanted."

NOT your health issues. Well, eventually your health issues played in due to how you were presenting it to him and handling it with him. But he had seemed to be ok with it until you said the above. This is one reason having sex so soon is usually a bad idea. 

I hope everything turns out ok with your screenings.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I had sex pretty early on the relationship with my wife. 

Just made us bond that much more 

I think it depends on the type of person you have.

Maybe he will never be OK for a relationship with someone like you, a REAL woman? 

You will find Mr Right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I once dated a girl with health issues, and yes I dumped her, too.

Not because of the health issues. Because of her over-response to them. She disclosed them early on, and I accepted that and wanted to continue anyway. But she was so anxious and always (like multiple times every time we got together) had to 'check in' to make sure I knew what I was getting into.

And every minor disagreement we had or every hour I didn't return her phone call was a validation that I was running away because of these issues.

In the end, it wasn't her health that worried me. It was the fact that reassuring her that it wasn't the concern was exhausting me, and killed any attraction I had for her. I remember thinking "do I want to go out with her tonight, or stay at home alone and watch a movie?"

When I'd rather stay at home by myself than be around you because you're exhausting, then, well... It's time to part ways.


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