# Gettin vibes from his best friend



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

I've posted here before and wanted to know what everyone thought of my situation. 

I am getting this vibe from my husbands best friend that he likes me. His best friend is also married. I want to do something about it (like tell my husband) but there isn't anything solid to prove that he does. Yesterday he called me to get a hold of my husband and we were talking. When we went to say good-bye (before I handed the phone to my husband) he said i love you. When I told him what he said he told me that he was used to telling his wife that when they hung up. This is the 2nd time its happened. 

On one hand I want to tell my husband how he makes me feel but then i feel stupid because there isn't anything solid that makes me feel this way and we have our on share of problems I dont want to turn something into a problem just because of a vibe that may be wrong. 

I dont know. What would you do?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

If I were your husband I’d most certainly want to know that my “best friend” is telling my wife that he loves her.


It‘s far better for you to tell him now so he can be calm when he’s thinking what to do about it.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

AFEH said:


> If I were your husband I’d most certainly want to know that my “best friend” is telling my wife that he loves her.
> 
> 
> It‘s far better for you to tell him now so he can be calm when he’s thinking what to do about it.



I did tell him when they got off the phone. We had a small chat about it and he believes him. I guess his excuse was reasonable but i still have this feeling there's something more. I usually feel this way when I'm around him.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Love Song said:


> I did tell him when they got off the phone. We had a small chat about it and he believes him. I guess his excuse was reasonable but i still have this feeling there's something more. I usually feel this way when I'm around him.


Sorry to say but your husband is either an idiot or scared to confront his friend. The fact that his friend is making you uncomfortable should be enough for him to have a one on one conversation. Now his friend is fishing to see if you take the bait. Have you let his wife know that he's telling you he loves you?


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Kobo said:


> Sorry to say but your husband is either an idiot or scared to confront his friend. The fact that his friend is making you uncomfortable should be enough for him to have a one on one conversation. Now his friend is fishing to see if you take the bait. Have you let his wife know that he's telling you he loves you?


i agree,
he is fishing alright...
and it aint for bass.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Tell your husband this man makes you nervous. If he won't stand up to his buddy and put him in his place, then he is not a man you need to remain being married to. Simple.

If your husband won't do anything, tell his friend's wife what is going on. She'll put the kabosh on it.


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## goldengirl11 (Mar 6, 2012)

Trust your "gut"..and it's sad that your husband doesn't defend your honor...avoid talking to that guy whenever possible...


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## goldengirl11 (Mar 6, 2012)

p.s...i agree with Bandit 45....TELL HIS WIFE...


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Not much of a friend to your husband.

Tell him again that you don't want to assioate with this person because hes a womanizer if your husband dosn't suport you the he needs a wake up call.

maybe say well next time I just might flirt back with him if you don't take a stand on this . being as you don't care if guys tell me that they love me.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

LoveSong, you also need to tell this guy that these type of comments are not appreciated and if ANYTHING else is EVER said again, you will certainly tell your husband!


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Kobo said:


> The fact that his friend is making you uncomfortable should be enough for him to have a one on one conversation. Now his friend is fishing to see if you take the bait. Have you let his wife know that he's telling you he loves you?



No I haven't told anyone that his best friend makes me feel uncomfortable because I always think well what am i going to say "hey so and so likes me but I don't have any reason to think that but can you do something about it?" I've thought about it but It just feels like I would be accusing someone of doing something they didn't do. 

I was wondering if any other guy would accept that excuse of I didn't mean to say it, thought you were my wife. My husband has known him a lot longer than me, they've been friends since they were 10, i just figured it was like him to be forgetful. 

I see several of you would tell someone (his wife or my husband) I just don't want to falsely accuse someone.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

Stop talking to him. Simple. Phones come with caller ID.

No need for drama as long as you trust your own actions.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I'm playing Devil's Advocate. So what if he does like you? If he's not being overt enough to outright accuse him, what is the problem? What specifically about someone liking you makes you uncomfortable?

Are you afraid he's going to rape you? Do you like him and you're afraid in a moment of weakness you'll give in to his charm?

What is it about the situation that you are afraid of?


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Love Song said:


> No I haven't told anyone that his best friend makes me feel uncomfortable because I always think well what am i going to say "hey so and so likes me but I don't have any reason to think that but can you do something about it?" I've thought about it but It just feels like I would be accusing someone of doing something they didn't do.
> 
> I was wondering if any other guy would accept that excuse of I didn't mean to say it, thought you were my wife. My husband has known him a lot longer than me, they've been friends since they were 10, i just figured it was like him to be forgetful.
> 
> I see several of you would tell someone (his wife or my husband) I just don't want to falsely accuse someone.


Your not falsely accusing anyone of anything. Even if he is being innocent (I'm not buying it) he still makes you uncomfortable. This is not something you keep from your husband. Saying something or someone make you uncomfortable doesn't accuse them of anything. It's letting your husband in on your feelings. Its now his job to help correct this relationship between you three. I'm sure he'd rather you let him know than keep it to yourself and build up resentment towards him and his friend.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

COguy said:


> I'm playing Devil's Advocate. So what if he does like you? If he's not being overt enough to outright accuse him, what is the problem? What specifically about someone liking you makes you uncomfortable?
> 
> Are you afraid he's going to rape you? Do you like him and you're afraid in a moment of weakness you'll give in to his charm?
> 
> What is it about the situation that you are afraid of?



My husband can say what he feels to him but I don't want to come in between the friendship they've had so long. It normally wouldn't make me uncomfortable if someone "liked" me, i would just handle it. I would make things clear that I'm taken. But this is different, it's his best friend. 

His best friend isn't the type of guy to rape someone. I'm not worried about that. I don't like him in that way either. He's an ok guy but my husbands the love of my life. No one compares to my husband in my eyes. 

What am i afraid of? I don't want to be on this site later down the road talking about how badly i feel that I in anyway came between this relationship. And I know, it's up to him to be a good friend, not up to me. But if they decide to part down the line for whatever reason (not that i want them too)... I just don't want it to be over me. 

So Im here asking, what would you do in my shoes?


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Kobo said:


> Your not falsely accusing anyone of anything. Even if he is being innocent (I'm not buying it) he still makes you uncomfortable. This is not something you keep from your husband. Saying something or someone make you uncomfortable doesn't accuse them of anything. It's letting your husband in on your feelings. Its now his job to help correct this relationship between you three. I'm sure he'd rather you let him know than keep it to yourself and build up resentment towards him and his friend.



I can see how your right. I guess there's nothing else I can do. I'm going to tell my husband. Hopefully things go smoothly.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Mistys dad said:


> Stop talking to him. Simple. Phones come with caller ID.
> 
> No need for drama as long as you trust your own actions.



I wish it were that simple but we go over the best friends house once a week usually.


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

I have a story, which might or might not help..

Some years ago,I had joined a co as a Specialist in Strategic Planning for BD.There I had a colleague , with whom I was working together in International Biz Devp..we had a female colleague , whose hubby was a friend of my peer.

the guy used to do the same with my colleague's wife...and she used to tell her hubby( my colleague) regard to it and usually he brushed it off as harmless and fun ..once during a party, this guy was overtly commenting on her and I could see she was uncomfortable (this same guy had taken a disliking for my presence with my colleague and wife..,I was new to the co and to all of them ) she rushed to me and told me what all he was telling her since the party began...

I just called him aside and asked his agenda...he was agitated that I was asking him ...he hesitated and stammered .I told him to be pretty clear ,that he was not to disturb her anymore...and severely told him about the consequences ,if he does so..after wards he never disturbed her..

but within, a few days, my colleague's wife called me, told me over the phone that she was in love ...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The "friend" is WAY out of line and totally inappropriate. 

If you speak to him again on the phone, keep it brief and no going off-subject. If he tries this BS again tell him "I find your comments wholly inappropriate. Do not say those things to me again."

Tell your husband. This guy is not a friend to you, to your husband or to your marriage.

He has a LOT of nerve.


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## HazelGrove (Feb 29, 2012)

I would ask the friend what he's playing at and ask him to stop immediately. Only involve your husband if you've done that and it changes nothing. Then you can tell your husband: "I tried to deal with this without involving you, for the sake of your friendship. But he's not changed his behaviour and now I think you have to step in."


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Love Song said:


> My husband can say what he feels to him but I don't want to come in between the friendship they've had so long. It normally wouldn't make me uncomfortable if someone "liked" me, i would just handle it. I would make things clear that I'm taken. But this is different, it's his best friend.
> 
> His best friend isn't the type of guy to rape someone. I'm not worried about that. I don't like him in that way either. He's an ok guy but my husbands the love of my life. No one compares to my husband in my eyes.
> 
> ...


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

How about recording the next phone conversation, let him say what he will, dont stop him, then play it for your husband and his wife...and see what they think then...


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

MAJOR boundry crossing here. "I love you," is not something you say to your best friend's wife.

Something tells me loverboy's wife would be less than ok with this.

Your husband needs to inform his friend that there's only one man who says that to you~ him.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Love Song said:


> So Im here asking, what would you do in my shoes?


I`d drop it, if the BF increases his level of attraction to you say something to the BF.

If he becomes inappropriate tell your husband.


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## Kricket (May 10, 2011)

Make it a habit of always talking to this guy on speaker phone. That way, when you get ready to hand the phone over to your husband, he can hear it for himself.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I have nothing helpful to offer here. My husbands best friend and I were close friends before we met. Not to mention they're cousins, I married into the family.

The best friend is married too.

He's told me he loves me on a few occasions, and as far as I know my husband doesn't mind. He's heard him say it. 

I guess it would be different if the man was approaching me in some way. Saying more than "I love you" would bother me... it would cross some boundaries if he was professing his love in other ways. 

If at any time what he was saying to me made me uncomfortable, my husband would be told about it.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Love Song said:


> No I haven't told anyone that his best friend makes me feel uncomfortable because I always think well what am i going to say "hey so and so likes me but I don't have any reason to think that but can you do something about it?" I've thought about it but It just feels like I would be accusing someone of doing something they didn't do.
> 
> I was wondering if any other guy would accept that excuse of I didn't mean to say it, thought you were my wife. My husband has known him a lot longer than me, they've been friends since they were 10, i just figured it was like him to be forgetful.
> 
> I see several of you would tell someone (his wife or my husband) I just don't want to falsely accuse someone.


You're spending a lot of time trying to analyze this other person's thinking and reactions. Could he be forgetful? Could he really be thinking of his wife when he tells me "I love you"? Will I cause problems between my husband and this friend?

So much of your energy is devoted (in my mind) to the wrong things.

What you need to do is draw a boundary here. A boundary is a line you draw and you don't allow someone to cross it. You define your own boundary clearly and concisely. A boundary is what you do for yourself. So the next time this so called friend says something highly inappropriate like he loves you, you tell him the conversation is over and you don't love him. Hang up the phone immediately. 

Frankly by NOT stopping this talk dead in the tracks, you're giving him subtle encouragement to continue. You may not think you're encouraging him, but I bet he thinks you want to hear it. After all if you really disliked hearing it, you would have ended it right away. 

Don't wait for your husband to tell this man to back off. You're a grown woman. You can stand up for yourself. It's ok to assert your feelings. It's not ok in any way for another man to tell you he loves you. It's not that he's being forgetful. I've seen people get forgetful about dates and events, but never about confessing feelings to another. Never have I seen a man say "Oh sorry..you're not the person I meant to say I love you too. I was thinking of someone else." That sounds so unbelievable and it should sound unbelievable to you.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

You're uncomfortable, just don't talk to him. He may just be a flirt... or he may just be having friendly conversation.

Don't talk to him... cut off the conversations.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I see it this way;
He makes you uncomfortable. Trust your gut, you're not making this up.
Would you rather come between your husband and his bff or have the bff come between you and your husband?
(That sounds so dirty)
My wife and I have a female friend that I do love dearly in a strictly platonic way. I have said to her on occasion, "Love ya, Girl", but never, "I love you."


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Love Song said:


> I've posted here before and wanted to know what everyone thought of my situation.
> 
> I am getting this vibe from my husbands best friend that he likes me. His best friend is also married. I want to do something about it (like tell my husband) but there isn't anything solid to prove that he does. Yesterday he called me to get a hold of my husband and we were talking. When we went to say good-bye (before I handed the phone to my husband) he said i love you. When I told him what he said he told me that he was used to telling his wife that when they hung up. This is the 2nd time its happened.
> 
> ...


Tell your husband the absolute truth about this. How it makes you uncomfortable. Whatever you do of course is to never encourage this vibe. You actually can do much to discourage him. Like not going out of your way to be overly polite and prolonging any chats with him. Don't laugh at his jokes and so on. You do not have to be rude, but just show no interest. Never, ever be alone with him. Ever. You do not want the appearnace of a problem.

But yes, tell your husband.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Love Song said:


> No I haven't told anyone that his best friend makes me feel uncomfortable because I always think well what am i going to say "hey so and so likes me but I don't have any reason to think that but can you do something about it?" I've thought about it but It just feels like I would be accusing someone of doing something they didn't do.
> 
> I was wondering if any other guy would accept that excuse of I didn't mean to say it, thought you were my wife. My husband has known him a lot longer than me, they've been friends since they were 10, i just figured it was like him to be forgetful.
> 
> I see several of you would tell someone (his wife or my husband) I just don't want to falsely accuse someone.


If you do not tell your husband you are keeping a secret from him. A secret you share with his friend and not him. Not a good idea. Just tell your husband he creeps you out. You don't need a reason.

You guys may want to read His Needs Her Needs and set some boundaries.

One reason you have to tell your husband is that you guys do spend so much time together. Sooner or later the friend is going to find a clever way to isolate you and him alone. 

Instigation, Isolation and Escalation.

I am not saying he will do anything drastic but he will do all he can to have a relationship with you. A secret one. That will empower him. It effectively becomes blackmail. Nip this now. Just let your husband know how you feel. Your are not accusing anyone. You are just conveying your feelings. BTW, trust your feelings. They are no lying to you. You know something is not quite right.

Escalation can take many forms from flirty conversation to simple Kino escalation touching. 

Is he touchy feely with you?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> Don't wait for your husband to tell this man to back off. You're a grown woman. You can stand up for yourself. It's ok to assert your feelings. It's not ok in any way for another man to tell you he loves you. It's not that he's being forgetful. I've seen people get forgetful about dates and events, but never about confessing feelings to another. Never have I seen a man say "Oh sorry..you're not the person I meant to say I love you too. I was thinking of someone else." That sounds so unbelievable and it should sound unbelievable to you.


I disagree.

Call me archaic, but it is her husband's place to do this.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Instigation, Isolation and Escalation.
> 
> I am not saying he will do anything drastic but he will do all he can to have a relationship with you. A secret one. That will empower him. It effectively becomes blackmail. Nip this now. Just let your husband know how you feel. Your are not accusing anyone. You are just conveying your feelings. BTW, trust your feelings. They are no lying to you. You know something is not quite right.
> 
> ...



No he isn't.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Love Song said:


> No he isn't.


That is good then. Don't let it start. Make a boundary there. If you really give it some thought you can establish some other boundaries about this guy. If he crosses them challenge him on it but also tell your husband.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Love Song,

If you let your husband slide on this...


What happens one night when the two of you are walking down a dark street and a mugger comes along:

"Hand over your purse and your wallet! Oh, and by the way bro, mind if I take your little lady behind the trash dumpster for a little fun?" 

What will your husband do then? Might as well find out what kind of man you have sooner than later...

Your husband's buddy is a punk, and your husband should not put up with this crap. I don't care how long they have been friends. Friendships end sometimes... that's life.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

I just told him and he asked me what i meant by uncomfortable. I told him that I get this vibe from his best friend that he likes me but I don't know where its coming from. He said ok. When I asked him he said he doesn't think he would ever do something like that that he loves his wife and is a lot like him all about respect and honor. That's all that was really said about it.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> That is good then. Don't let it start. Make a boundary there. If you really give it some thought you can establish some other boundaries about this guy. If he crosses them challenge him on it but also tell your husband.




I've been cautious around him without trying to make things awkward for the 4 of us. Im going to try to make things more clear in the future though instead of brushing off the "i love you's" That's a good idea, i can challenge him on it. I will keep my husband up to date from here on out. I think your right in what you said earlier, this shouldn't be a secret his best friend and I share. 




bandit.45 said:


> Love Song,
> 
> If you let your husband slide on this...
> 
> ...


I could understand why you would think that but my husband's been trained in martial arts since elementary. We were in a situation years ago where my husband protected me. He's just not that kind of guy to not do something about it, if I need his protection.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Love Song said:


> I just told him and he asked me what i meant by uncomfortable. I told him that I get this vibe from his best friend that he likes me but I don't know where its coming from. He said ok. When I asked him he said he doesn't think he would ever do something like that that he loves his wife and is a lot like him all about respect and honor. That's all that was really said about it.


You told him, now see what happens. I bet he will be a little more perceptive and observant when bff is near you.
Maybe he'll get the same vibe.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Love Song said:


> I just told him and he asked me what i meant by uncomfortable. I told him that I get this vibe from his best friend that he likes me but I don't know where its coming from. He said ok. When I asked him he said he doesn't think he would ever do something like that that he loves his wife and is a lot like him all about respect and honor. That's all that was really said about it.


Good. Good that you told him. We do not know how your husband prosesses information. BUT, he has been told. So he should be on his guard. He may have to take some time to think about this.

So at the least he should not leave you in a situation that he would know is uncomfortable for you.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Love Song said:


> I've been cautious around him without trying to make things awkward for the 4 of us. Im going to try to make things more clear in the future though instead of brushing off the "i love you's" That's a good idea, i can challenge him on it. I will keep my husband up to date from here on out. I think your right in what you said earlier, this shouldn't be a secret his best friend and I share.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Honor. Yes. Martial Arts. Good.

He needed you to tell him and you have. An honorable man would want his wife to be transparent in this manner and trust him to handle the information appropriately.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

goodness, this does not have anything to do with husband-defending-wife's honor. She can and should defend her own. Next time it happens--or something like it--you call him on it right then and there, and if your h hears it, great; if not, tell him. But it is YOUR job to set boundaries for yourself, and your job to say to this guy, stop it now; I'm uncomfortable with it and and soon I won't be able to enjoy your company at all. He already knows you've told your husband--what you haven't done is told him it is unacceptable to you. For all he knows, you told hubby to make him jealous or something! 

FWIW, I say "I love you" to my kids a LOT, and I live in fear of saying it to the wrong person b/c it just rolls of my tongue so easily. That happened once a long time ago, and I was talking to a student on the phone, and I said, "Bye; love you, honey!" I immediately apologized and explained that is how I say good bye to my kids--and it hasn't happened since, but boy, it was embarrassing! I reported it to my supervisor, too, just in case!


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

sisters359 said:


> goodness, this does not have anything to do with husband-defending-wife's honor. She can and should defend her own. Next time it happens--or something like it--you call him on it right then and there, and if your h hears it, great; if not, tell him. But it is YOUR job to set boundaries for yourself, and your job to say to this guy, stop it now; I'm uncomfortable with it and and soon I won't be able to enjoy your company at all.


Exactly. :iagree:

She should stand up for herself.

I don't need my husband coming to my rescue unless I absolutely need that kind of help. I'm capable of telling someone off by myself.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Well I'm late to this thread and I have not read all of the replies but I will say this. I have mistakenly said "I love you" when getting off the phone with people - even to other men - talk about embarrassing. It's just reflex for me - everyone in my family says "I love you" when we see each other or talk on the phone - my wife included. 

So yes, every great once in a while while distracted I have mistakenly said those words to someone unintended. It can happen. Twice in a row? That's a little harder to write off to an accident.

More than anything if he makes you feel uncomfortable it's inappropriate and should be addressed.


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## Mello_Yellow (Feb 22, 2012)

Bottom line, there is no reason for you to be made to feel uncomfortable by this guy, no matter how close he and your hubby are. Sounds like the guy is using the friendship he has with your husband as a "buffer" of sorts, and he will likely keep pushing the envelope to see how far he can take things, or to see if you start to reciprocate on the flirtations.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

I'd make sure to mention the "I love you" on front of his wife, in a joking manner if you must. It would show him that you're not willing to keep secrets and she'd know to be on the look-out for shady behavior.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

A Pacifistic ,Submissive, Compromising kind of Attitude .regard to the matter...if it continues...this will have some sure disaster...


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

This is a new world. The roles of women and men have become more equal and that's long overdue.

However, there are some things that will always be a "man's job". Protecting his woman from slime is one of them.

Someone typed it before but it's true. ALWAYS trust your gut. You don't have to react strongly but try not to put yourself in a vulnerable position when this guy is involved. Like caller-ID and dont answer from his number. Never be alone with him...etc.

If your husband won't see reason you have to protect yourself.


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

Love Song said:


> .
> 
> 
> 
> ...


But I think this guy should also be "trained" in Marital Arts...


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## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

I would like to play devils advocate here for a second...

my husband has a very good male friend..in fact he was my friend first...I had known him for several years and introduced him to my hubby just before our wedding. They are now the buds and i am the interloper lol. Anyway. This friend always kisses me on the cheek when he is leaving..and says..luv u. He also ends phone conversations like this. HOWEVER he does it in front of my husband. 

Now this friend is ten years our junior...but for the last 8 years has become family to my husband. I do not feel threatened or weird around him because it is his personality and he thinks of us as family. It took hubby a while to come around to his friendliness though. Now they are inseperable and often do sunday morning breakfasts out while they leave me at home  My husband stole my friend!! 

I wonder if you are in the early stages of warming up to this friend and knowing his personality?


However that is just food for thought. If you are truly uncomfortable then it must be addressed directly with the man.

Not trying AT ALL to dismiss your concerns just giving u something to think about. 

If he is a TRUE friend..great. If he has sinister motives he GOES TO THE CURB. 

Good Luck
Lynn


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

donewithit said:


> I would like to play devils advocate here for a second...
> 
> 
> I wonder if you are in the early stages of warming up to this friend and knowing his personality?
> ...



No that isn't it, I've been around him just as long as I've been around my husband because they have been best friends for so long. 

You know how when you walk into a room and you know someone doesn't like you. You know when your around that person because you feel it even though they never said it. It's like that only I can just tell that he likes me more then he should. The energy i get from him gives me this impression. 

I really hope I'm wrong about this. The last thing I want is to come in between my husband and his best friend.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Love Song said:


> The last thing I want is to come in between my husband and his best friend.


No the last thing you want is your husbands friend to come between you and your husband right? 

What I quoted from you above is the second to last thing you should want. BUT if the friend has to fall to save your marriage shoot him between the eyes (figuratively speaking of course) and don't look back.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> No the last thing you want is your husbands friend to come between you and your husband right?
> 
> What I quoted from you above is the second to last thing you should want. BUT if the friend has to fall to save your marriage shoot him between the eyes (figuratively speaking of course) and don't look back.



Oh my gosh yes that's the 2nd to last thing I want. I just meant I dont want to come between them in any way. Thank you for catching that. Yes, for me my marriage comes first.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

The reason I said that is because the year we got married him and his mom and step dad got into a really big argument over me and he stopped talking to them for three years. I kept talking to him about going back and working it out but he said no. So I would talk to his sister and ask her to have her mom come talk to him and his mom said no. She said that if he rejected her she wouldn't be able to take it. So she never knew our son for the first 3 years of his life. I felt horrible because I was in the middle of it. And I don't ever want to get in between any of his relationships again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

gotta say......I have said 'I love you' and the end of a conversation by accident.....but is has only happened once. 

Trust your gut. I can almost always tell when a guy is interested in me. Chances are you are correct. Just remember you can make sure you don't answer his calls....you aren't alone with him....etc. Hopefully his little crush will subside. In the mean time....don't give him any attention. If he ever becomers overt about it.....then actually DO something about it. Like ask your husband to put him in his place....or approach his wife?

Good luck


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I really think you're overly stressed about this. I mean your not worried that he's going to force himself on you are you? You're not worried that in a weak moment you may be vulnerable to an advance by him are you? Your radar is up. That's good. Just treat him with a wary eye, a lot of discretion, and do nothing that he or anyone else can misconstrue. It sounds like currently it's a situation that should be easily handled. Personally I'd express what you feel to your husband so he can pay a little extra attention to but I wouldn't make an inquisition out of it. 

I suspect that just with a little management it will pretty much go away on its own. If it gets worse, well then you and/or your husband may have to take more concrete actions to defend your marriage against someone who proves to not be a friend of it. 

One more point in favor of telling your H what you are feeling now. If I'm right and with some management by the two of you now it will just fade you can avoid a potential escalation. If you don't tell your H and the friend ratchets up the pressure on you it may get to the point where it forces a confrontation that kills the friendship. A confrontation that might could have been avoided had it been handled by you together in the early stages.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> goodness, this does not have anything to do with husband-defending-wife's honor. She can and should defend her own. Next time it happens--or something like it--you call him on it right then and there, and if your h hears it, great; if not, tell him. But it is YOUR job to set boundaries for yourself, and your job to say to this guy, stop it now; I'm uncomfortable with it and and soon I won't be able to enjoy your company at all. He already knows you've told your husband--what you haven't done is told him it is unacceptable to you. For all he knows, you told hubby to make him jealous or something!
> 
> FWIW, I say "I love you" to my kids a LOT, and I live in fear of saying it to the wrong person b/c it just rolls of my tongue so easily. That happened once a long time ago, and I was talking to a student on the phone, and I said, "Bye; love you, honey!" I immediately apologized and explained that is how I say good bye to my kids--and it hasn't happened since, but boy, it was embarrassing! I reported it to my supervisor, too, just in case!




Yep, let's just get into it with your husbands good friend. I mean nothing could go wrong there. Let's just add another seed of potential resentment instead of trying to work on an issue together. Then when your husband asks you why didn't you come to him with this issue you can tell him "I don't need you to help me when I get uncomfortable". Really put him in his place.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Coffee Amore said:


> Exactly. :iagree:
> 
> She should stand up for herself.
> 
> I don't need my husband coming to my rescue unless I absolutely need that kind of help. I'm capable of telling someone off by myself.


I think she should do this. But keeping this a secret then becomes a secret the friend has with her. He needs to know.

I see some women are very sensitive about not needing a man to "protect them". Ok whatever. But a marriage is a partnership. Ideally she shuts this guy down and informs the husband. He is responsible because it is his friend. They must have a united front.

If he does not know then he may unwittingly put his wife in a bad position. Sometimes these friends when shot down try to retaliate by causing troubles in that marriage. 

If the situation were reveresed I think the husband should shut it down and then be transparent with his wife. She needs to "protect" her husband and her marriage as well. 

Like is or not many men are hardwired to protect. YMMV.

But I do agree, she does not delegate this to her husband. She has the power to shut this down and not encourage it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Kobo said:


> Yep, let's just get into it with your husbands good friend. I mean nothing could go wrong there. Let's just add another seed of potential resentment instead of trying to work on an issue together. Then when your husband asks you why didn't you come to him with this issue you can tell him "I don't need you to help me when I get uncomfortable". Really put him in his place.


I am for couples dealing with these things as a couple.

At some point since this is her husbands friend he may have to intervene. His wife comes first. No pun intended.

If the guy persists still then the husband has to go old school and actually take steps to protect his wife. I know this terrifies some folks. I don't know why. Heaven forbid a woman should need a man to intervene to c0ckblck another man.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> I think she should do this. But keeping this a secret then becomes a secret the friend has with her. He needs to know.
> 
> I see some women are very sensitive about not needing a man to "protect them". Ok whatever. But a marriage is a partnership. Ideally she shuts this guy down and informs the husband. He is responsible because it is his friend. They must have a united front.
> 
> ...



It's really more than "protecting" your wife/husband. The husband is in a relationship with both parties. Communicating with him and allowing him to work the issue and have the problem corrected (if it can be) allows the possibility of keeping both relationships strong. The wife "handling" it on her own has a very good chance of damaging the friendship, maybe beyond repair and causing the husband to have some resentment towards the wife because he sees her as the catalyst to the end of the relationship.


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