# He suddenly no longer loves me



## pureheart (Aug 12, 2012)

I'm new to the forum and really appreciate some advice here. My husband of 7 years recently told me he has been unhappy for the last 4 years and he has come to realize he doesn't love me as a wife anymore. I don't understand how someone can simply wake up and fell this way? Did he ever love me? I've asked him to please go to MC with me to try and work this out. He said "NO" and that counseling can't change the way he feels and marriage should never have to be "WORK" He is calling our marriage "unsalvageable"  

We currently are living under the same roof but he is packing up today to go live with a mutual friend. We own a business together and he has sent out an email to all of our client that this is a mutual agreement and that business will not be effected. 

He says there is no other girl but I don't see how he can leave with out trying to get outside help first!



I am so HURT, FRUSTRATED and SAD


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Long term marriages are work. They are very hard work, but the effort is so rewarding. Your husband is either having an affair or he has an affair partner in his sights. Start investigating and read up on the 180. I'm so sorry for you. More people will post soon with their advice.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

How awful for you, I am so sorry. But he didn't wake up one day and realize he didn't love you, he has been hiding it for four years according to your post. So, he has been lying to you for four years. Get mad! It's okay to be hurt and devastated, but get mad at this fool!

Most will tell you he is involved with another woman, some may say he is gay, who knows, this man is walking out of your life regardless. This may be a blessing. You deserve someone who is honest and really loves you. What your H is doing to you right now is incredibly cruel. I agree with the post above mine to do the 180, emotionally detaching yourself. You will be able to see things more clearly and hopefully begin to heal. 

Stop and think for a moment. Do you really love him? Have you noticed his lack of interest in the last few years? Is this really a surprise to you? Do some reflection and see what you get. 

I'll bet if you really think about it, his change of heart is not SUDDEN. Take care of yourself, don't isolate, reach out, talk to people you trust, come to TAM often. You will get through this and be a stronger person for it.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Hopefull363 said:


> Long term marriages are work. They are very hard work, but the effort is so rewarding. * Your husband is either having an affair or he has an affair partner in his sights.* Start investigating and read up on the 180. I'm so sorry for you. More people will post soon with their advice.


:iagree:

Its called the " I love You But I'm Not In Love With You " speech.

Find out who that other woman is ,and if she is also married.
Maybe you should try and secure the business assets if both of you were involved in it.

That email he sent out to customers sounds suspicious. 
He may be planning to squeeze you out of the business.
Contact your bankers, lawyers and clients.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

And people think I am evil!!! :wtf:


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

I agree with Caribbean Man. Protect yourself financially. I was thinking about that post to clients as well. As long as the business is running they should have no concern. It really isn't their business if you and your husband are divorcing. Exactly what did that e-mail say? You should consult with an attorney. First consultations are usually free. Don't let him squeeze you out.

Endlessgrief who thinks you are evil? I like your posts.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Some people think I am evil or strange because I listen to extreme metal that is sometimes Satanic (though I am not a Satanist), watch evil horror movies, and say inappropriate things like telling a guy to go wash the sand out of his vagina. 

I'm glad you like my posts. That's the nicest thing I heard all day! <<blushes>>


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Love Horror movies! Used to like extreme metal but I've mellowed with age. I ask my sister what has her balls all twisted all the time.

Ok back to the op. Endlessgrief do you know or can you link the 180 for her? She is really going to need it.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"He said "NO" and that counseling can't change the way he feels and marriage should never have to be "WORK" He is calling our marriage "unsalvageable"

im sorry but this is one of the biggest BS, lamest, pathetic excuse i have ever heard. it riles me up because it is somewhat common.

almost EVERY long term relationship is hard work gol darn it!!!!!
once the honeymoon stage is over, then the work begins. my old folks been married 64 years and they will tell you every year they were together was hard work! my mom told me about 2 years ago "i tell your dad; 'i dont always like you, but ill ALWAYS love you'. thats freakin love! 

sorry to rant, but this just gets me going. so sorry pureheart you deserve better and i agree with the other poster GET MAD!
call him on his giant BS and then go 180.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"for richer and for poorer. In good times and in bad. In sickness and in health. to love and to cherish, all the days of our lives, till death do us part".

You get that? no you dont.........your not a real man.
you need to grow up.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Hopefull363 said:


> Love Horror movies! Used to like extreme metal but I've mellowed with age. I ask my sister what has her balls all twisted all the time.
> 
> Ok back to the op. Endlessgrief do you know or can you link the 180 for her? She is really going to need it.


Okay, I put a link to the 180 in my signature line. Original poster, please click on the link and read it. Follow the steps, it really works!

Hopefull, PM sometime so we can discuss horror movies and metal (even mellow metal). I am on the hunt for new horror movies and am finding mostly crap!


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> "for richer and for poorer. In good times and in bad. In sickness and in health. to love and to cherish, all the days of our lives, till death do us part".
> 
> You get that? no you dont.........your not a real man.
> you need to grow up.


I see this hits a nerve for you jorg. It seems marriage vows are not taken as seriously anymore. But she does deserve a man and not a p*ssy. She will be better off, the downside is another person will be forever scarred and hurt and untrusting of others. It's like a cancer on our society.


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## pureheart (Aug 12, 2012)

thank you everyone! this is very helpful!! Even if there is another women I don't know if I want to find out??? It won't change how he feels about me it will just confirm that he is a cheat. Or maybe it will help me move on and get MAD! It sickens me to think that he could possibly be cheating on me 

I will get a lawyer and work on protecting myself as much as possible.

The last four years have been rough financially and everything we do together is work related, I've begged for us to go out and get a hobby that is outside of work...dance lesson, cooking classes, hiking....ANYTHING! But he has always never had the time. I'm of the belief that if something is broken you work to fix it not throw it away, I feel like he is just throwing "us" away and for the sack of the business I don't see how lying to everyone about the facts (or even telling everyone) is productive??


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## sham1024 (Apr 30, 2012)

Even though it was done in a cold uncaring way, and you are still numb right now, at least he told you now. Maybe he thought you were about to find out something, or be told about anything shady. Now that you have a heads up, you need to put yourself first, both financially and health wise. But I know and feel your pain.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

pureheart

I have been married 35 years. Those who say long-term relationships require work are absolutely right. If your husband thinks differently he needs to be disabused.

The work is absolutely necessary and can deliver relationships of extraordinary quality.

Hope it turns out well for you


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## Shecheats (Aug 11, 2012)

Im so sorry, I almost cry when I am reading your post. I think relationship is just that way, if our love for each other is not shared 100%, i think it is easy to walk away that way. This might be a blessing in disguise, I can tell that you are a smart woman..keep going strong! I like to give advice to my friends all the time but I believe when it comes to our own problems we do not know what to do ! Pray and leave all your worries to God! I am also trying to stay strong and focus on my own relationship so I won't fall apart and end up knowing who I am. Love makes people insane.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

pureheart said:


> thank you everyone! this is very helpful!! Even if there is another women I don't know if I want to find out??? It won't change how he feels about me it will just confirm that he is a cheat. Or maybe it will help me move on and get MAD! It sickens me to think that he could possibly be cheating on me
> 
> I will get a lawyer and work on protecting myself as much as possible.
> 
> *The last four years have been rough financially and everything we do together is work related, I've begged for us to go out and get a hobby that is outside of work...dance lesson, cooking classes, hiking....ANYTHING! But he has always never had the time.* I'm of the belief that if something is broken you work to fix it not throw it away, I feel like he is just throwing "us" away and for the sack of the business I don't see how lying to everyone about the facts (or even telling everyone) is productive??


This is why you should find out if there is another woman.
You made a tremendous amount of sacrifices to build this business,and she will reap the rewards if you don't protect what you have worked for.
I know the separation is hurting you.

But don't allow him to cheat you out of the marriage AND the business too.
Keep your eyes on the money.
He sounds selfish.


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## AllanM (Aug 13, 2012)

Marriages are indeed work, and mine isn't always the best, so...take my word with a grain of salt.

But the others are correct: you don't just fall out of love with someone suddenly...it's a process. I also agree that you are lucky to find this out now. I know it's hard, but I would make a clean break: he's made it abundantly clear that he doesn't want to put the effort in, so why should you? I know that you're hurt, but you sound like much too good for him anyway...you will find someone else!

As for the other woman thing: yes, he probably has one (or one in mind), but how would it help you to know one way or the other? Don't torture yourself, and don't go down the "what did I do wrong" road. He wants to go, then show him the door...he made his choice.


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## Nigel (Mar 14, 2012)

He may not have another woman or indeed want one. People genuinely do fall out of love with each other. If you don't love somebody I can't see how that can change by working at it, unless by working at it you mean settling for or learning to ignore the elephant in the room. Do you have any evidence that there is aw? Has he changed recently or in hindsight has his comments struck a chord when you look back over the last 4 years? 

A friend of mine went through a similar thing it took him 3 years to come to terms that his feelings had changed. At first he thought it was just a bit of complacency slipping into his marriage, he didn't want to alarm his wife and kept his thoughts from her. He worked on his own feelings and tried to resolve internally why he felt like this. It took him the best part of two years, he tried to rekindle spontaneity in the relationship, invested lots of time and energy into making it "work" but in the end he told me that regardless of how much he wanted to be in love with his wife, it was just not there anymore inside him. He had a chat with his wife who wanted counselling etc, he refused because he Knew by then how he felt and that it would have been pointless and cruel to let her think that there was a chance of repairing the marriage.they separated and divorced. 

There was no other woman/one waiting in the wings and he isn't the type to cheat. He has been completely single since they split, no girlfriends or dates either. He seems much happier in himself thesedays and says he may eventually date again, but he is in no hurry to start. He has also spoken to his wife several times since their spt and she has recently admitted that if she was being honest her feelings had changed over the last part of their marriage and she said it was probably fear of the unknown and of change that kept her from wanting to address the situation herself.

So, although there may be another woman involved in your husbands case, it is by no means certain and sometimes things just fizzle out and end having run their course. BTW my friend and his ex still get on as friends and both are moving on positively with their lives. She's even got a new bf and seems really,really happy!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

4+ years isn't suddenly.


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

I'm sorry that you are having to go through this. I went through something somewhat similar about a year and a half ago. It gets easier, and soon you will come to see that you are worth so much MORE than when he is valuing you at.


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