# Something at work got me to thinking



## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

I work at a medical examiner’s office. We had a woman who lost control of her car, struck a fixed object and died immediately. She was married with two children and fortunately, she was alone in her vehicle.

The police found her phone and apparently she was testing while driving. Her husband will ultimately receive her phone as personal property.

For sake of discussion, what if the phone contained absolute proof that she was texting the OM of her long term affair? Everyone will be telling the husband how sorry they are for his loss and what a wonderful woman she was. 

Who should the husband tell if anyone? What if the OM came to the funeral not knowing that the affair had ben discovered?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

The old saying is, Don't speak ill of the dead. I think that still applies, generally. But he would still face all the pain of discovery, and will need help and support getting through both losses. He will need to speak to someone (maybe many family, friends, and therapists), and the affair will almost inevitably come out publicly unless he chooses to suppress it.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Oh man, that would be the double whammy of all time.

He might just lose his mind.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

That decision would ultimately rest with the husband. Really no right or wrong answer. He may want to shield his kids from her past, he may not. He can't shame her at this point, publicly or otherwise, she be dead.

The George Clooney movie The Descendants essentially addresses this topic. Wife in an accident, brain dead, he finds out she was having an affair. He seeks out her toxic friends, the OM. A real knee slapper.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Hopefully for the sake of the husband and family, I hope it wasn't an illicit text. *THAT *would be devastating to everyone coming so soon after her tragic death.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> The George Clooney movie *The Descendants* essentially addresses this topic. Wife in an accident, brain dead, he finds out she was having an affair. He seeks out her toxic friends, the OM. A real knee slapper.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Seems like the dead woman was an entitled princess who's daddy spoiled her and treated Clooney like he wasn't good enough for his daughter.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

True story, A couple riding on a motorcycle, wreck and both are killed. Husband gets the call that his wife just died in motorcycle accident.....yah hell of a way to find out your wife is cheating. They had kids etc. Tragic.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Husband should tell whoever he felt was appropriate. However he wanted to handle it would be the "right" way, because he would not only be the betrayed but also the widow. I would think he should be allowed to tell whoever he wanted if it made him feel better, or no one if that made him feel better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

There's no easy way to find out your being cheated on. I say if he wants to tell everyone and it makes him feel better then that is what he should do.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Personal choice of course, but I wouldn't say anything... at least not until the initial grieving period was over.


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## BFR (Aug 31, 2012)

Jeez sometimes if I even just take a different way home from work for a scenic ride, its crossed my mind that if I crashed and died she might wonder why I was there and if I was cheating. I did ask fWW if she never worried about getting caught like that, (an accident near OM's place) of course she never did because she was in fogland and nothing bad or real would ever happen to her.

In your scenario who to tell, I'd probably talk with OMW and my and WW's parents. If OM tried to come to the funeral there'd be another funeral the next day, even if me and all my bros had to go to jail for it.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

A mature person would use tact and probably even work things out with the other person. Death changes people's perspectives and you don't know, maybe the spouse would be relieved to know their suspicions or whatever were on target, or maybe they knew, or maybe they also have someone. Just hand over the possessions and save the drama for the movies or novels? Life is messy. People's relationships are messy. When you are dead, people can believe whatever they like, and how things are when the moment comes, is just a snapshot, not a coherent thesis.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

My dad used to listen to a country song called "Caroll County Accident", where a married woman and her lover died in a car wreck. Sad song.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> The George Clooney movie The Descendants essentially addresses this topic. Wife in an accident, brain dead, he finds out she was having an affair. He seeks out her toxic friends, the OM. A real knee slapper.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


i thought of this movie too. one of these days i'm going to be strong enough to watch it.


as to the OP, i'm not sure it would do any good to expose the affair. i can only see it adding to the grief.


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

Karma can be a b1tch
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

cool12 said:


> i thought of this movie too. one of these days i'm going to be strong enough to watch it.
> 
> 
> as to the OP, i'm not sure it would do any good to expose the affair. i can only see it adding to the grief.


I have that problem now too. Every other tv show or movie these days has someone cheating on someone, dating behind each other's backs, texting other guys on the sly, etc. Sucks the wind right out of me. Luckily usually just Disney channel on these days. If there's an ep where Minnie is two-timing Mickey I'm gonna lose it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Random Hearts is another movie with this theme (for once Kristin Scott Thomas is NOT an adultress).

WRT Graywolf's hypothetical: I wouldn't tell anyone, but if the OM came to the funeral (assuming I knew who it was), I'd take him aside, tell him I know everything and invite him to leave forthwith.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

There was a woman who used to visit my boyfriend after he had his brain hemorrhage. I knew it was the woman he was FWB with before I got my divorce and he dropped her to be with me. Only he hadn't quite told her yet...but she kind of knew because she showed up at a dinner dance he invited me to and we met outside and walked in together as we knew each other casually...and he came up to us and latched right onto me while saying hi to her...later found a lady's book next to his bed, he said they had swapped books to read, too funny to really believe. But it was cool, I let her visit and she was fine and I was fine. Thing is, because she wasn't identified as his girlfriend then was easier for her to keep on seeing him, family cut me off as only wanted him to do his "program" and not have personal life (weird but whatever, they are guardians and it's their responsibility for finance and rehab and management and stuff) and she does roofing and stuff like that, like he did before...so maybe a better match now that he is sort of mended...and she lives closer to his family that has guardianship and no kids. It's fine. Life is life. It sorts itself out just fine without us interfering with it.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

There was a post not too long ago with a link to a woman in the UK who texted her husband instead of OM by mistake. She ended up taking her life over it.

Not much different than your story.

There was also a film with much the same story as yours as well. Two people were cheating and were in a plane crash along with many others. The two betrayed spouses had to spend the bulk of the film doing detective work to figure out why the two were on the plane together, what were they doing and for how long, and what to do when they found out the two were having an affair. Both spouses had to deal with the loss of their spouse and the news that they were being cheated on.

_Random Hearts_ was the name of the film.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> My dad used to listen to a country song called "Caroll County Accident", where a married woman and her lover died in a car wreck. Sad song.


Porter Wagoner -- Carroll County Accident - YouTube


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

In Iraq we would go through soldier's stuff if they died or were seriously injured. Their computers would be examined, etc. I was of mixed opinion and still am on this. But the view was not to expose the family to any more pain.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

One of the questions I asked my wife.. the 'what if you were in an accident and I found out that way'.. That would be the icing on the suck...


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Bet if you found out that way you'd start dating sooner.

As crass as it sounds, at least this woman, DUI of texting, didn't kill somebody else in addition to herself. A women texting and driving near my house crossed the center line, killed her own two kids and a teenager in the other car while seriously injuring herself and another person.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

I guess there are a multiple ways of approaching this one, even in theory.

As an aside - 2 years ago near my home a guy wrapped his car around a tree at the side of the road. he was doing 30mph.
His passenger was killed outright when some of the tree entered the car (Ill leave it at that) - Both had been putting some powder up their noses. He runs away and goers to be before anyone can call the police etc.

Turns out he wasnt the partner of the girl and BOTH had been cheating. They were on their way to a quite spot for some rear seat athletics.

The partner of the female had a visit from the police at 2am to tell him what had happened. That was bad enough then the police explained whose car she was in etc. Exposed!
He guessed there was something and until that night didnt know what. She left 2 kids by a previous relationship. Guess who is left to look after them?

The driver was locked up for 3 years. 
The outcome was females partner lost her twice that night but since has made it clear He feels cheated that he couldnt clear up WHY she was cheating on him and its left him in a terrible state. He also feels guilty for hating her for being a cheat. He feels he is responsible for not getting to the bottom of her moonlight fun and games. Hes having councilling because he cannot let it go.

Suppose the moral high ground here could be; If you cheat then perhaps you deserve all that comes with it. Buts its the poor innocent people that have to pick up the remains of whats left. They will have to live with a double loss and no answers to why....


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

staystrong said:


> Oh man, that would be the double whammy of all time.
> 
> He might just lose his mind.


or dance a jig.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

cool12 said:


> i thought of this movie too. one of these days i'm going to be strong enough to watch it.


Watch it twice. The first time you'll get angry and sad. You'll project all your own stuff into the movie and the characters. The second time around you'll see it more objectively. You'll see more layers to it. I am glad I saw it, and glad I saw it more than once.


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