# Well, I finalized it.



## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I was posting in this section for a little while after I separated from my ex. But finally as of the 29th of may, I am completely divorced. two years, three months, and five days after I originally left. 

Last July I started finally seeing someone, and at the end of march we started living together. I got a car, got a new job after seven years of working nights at a truck stop, his son and I get along, and everything pretty much seems to be going well.

my taking out a loan to pay for a divorce was sped up by recieving notification that I was being sued by social services for spousal support because he had finally after a two year drug binge put himself in rehab.

I still thought that after as much time as had passed that this was going to be cake. we have nothing to separate, we shared nothing no kids, and i had finally moved on and forward with my life with a new man, new job, new (to me) car, and essentially a new life.

I have to say I did not expect it to be so hard on me. Making awkward conversation in the hall with someone who, at one point, I could talk to about anything. Looking at the person who I once pledged my life to, and not even seeing that same person there, and then watching someone that at one point was my world, walk out of it forever. 

I don't doubt that I made the right decision, I'm not unhappy, I'm not doing poorly, and I DO NOT want to go back to what I left or the person that I watched walk away from me.

I keep thinking the "how" and "why" questions. which is pointless, but it doesn't stop the thoughts. and I can't help but think, what in hell, did I do that was so wrong, that he would dare do the things he did to me, or treat me like that? why did I deserve that? why did our marriage deserve that?

I also wonder why it is he thinks that things were going poorly and we should have called it quits years before I see where it went wrong. which makes me wonder where was I in all of this?

I have never loved someone like that. it was everything a marriage was supposed to be. in my little world anyways.

I guess I just cannot believe that after the amount of time that has elapsed and the positive changes in my life and my overall mood and outlook on things, that the brief time we spent in the courtroom while my lawyer talked with the judge stirred up all these feelings. 

its been over two years, I am happy with the family I stepped into, the man that I am with, and the life that I am building, and I can't get this out of my mind. :scratchhead:

is that normal?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's normal. You loved him in whatever capacity. Completely normal.

Hugs to you. It ain't easy. But it will pass. Just keep moving forward...


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

thanks TG. it just seems like I must be crazy. the amount of things I dealt with and found ways to see around I really expected to celebrate a lot more than wallow. I even went and bought myself a bottle of celebration wine and couldn't have more than 2 glasses.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well...it's sad when it's someone else who has effed up your life because of THEIR bullshet that THEY won't address.

I know all too well, my friend. You and I didn't sign up for this...well, maybe we did, but...yea. Yea. Hindsight and all. And...it's frustrating because it's like DUDE! If you JUST GOT YOUR SHET TOGETHER!

But alas...

We (you and I) didn't ask for this nonsense....it's sad and it's ...well, sad. I get it. And it's normal.

Feel what you feel and keep moving forward. I'll take some of that wine though.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It really is a mindfvck, isn't it? Here's this person you spent years with, built a life with, had a marriage with and it's like it never happened, or rather, like discovering someone new. Sorry this happened to you CLucas. I am glad to hear you are moving on. It takes time. But with each passing day it gets better.

The way I experienced it was like I imagined the entire thing. Oh I know it really happened but I just felt like, gosh, all the time invested, spent together, all for nothing. It's like I was looking back on someone else's life. 

Divorce is no easy thing. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. And this is also why I am terrified of ever getting married again. Because to go through that again hurts to even think about. To know that it could happen after you thought this was the person was it, is just a scary and painful thought.

Hope you are keeping busy  Congrats on the new job and car.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I think it's still normal to have things triggered in your mind, even after an elapse of time. I hope you really aren't still at a point where you think you 'deserve' this to happen to you. Just because it happened doesn't mean you deserved it. I hope you know that in your heart. That doesn't make it easier, to think that this person you thought you'd be with 'til death do you part' could _choose_ to do awful things to you and your marriage, but it's on _them_, not on you.

For most of us, the years we spent in our past marriages are chunks of time that we have to put behind us as best we can. We may have to do it without closure or all the answers. It's not a position any of us wanted or thought we'd be in. But like everyone else who's posted, I'm glad that you now have someone with whom you can be happy and have a better life. You're getting a second chance. Keep focusing on that, and try not to let the thoughts of the ex and your past with him take up your time and thoughts.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Hey guuuurl I was wondering where you were!

Yes it's normal - even though I have been uncaged it's still bizarre that someone I spent that much time with has pretty much forgotten that the marriage and the relationship ever existed. In the end all he was interested in was how much money he could get out of me. Sad but at leasst it reinforces the decision to divorce rather than flog a dead horse

Glad you're well and things are looking up x


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

When I first got the summons and started the divorce, I was worried things might get dirty. His family is not fond of me and I know that he knew I was part of a marriage forum because I had brought ideas and efforts from this site to his attention to try and work on things with him, so I fell off the TAM earth just in case.

It is weird, and just like you said Jelly, the idea of another marriage is just absolutely far from my mind. My boyfriend and I actually agree that neither of us want to get married again or want to have a child. which, after the constant barrage of "you should have children" and "you're selfish for not having children" during my last relationship, is wonderful to me.

I feel like I have it good. We have a quirky relationship, we're different enough to where we are our own people but have enough in common. We do things together, apart, with his son as a family. I'm really enjoying myself here. 

which is why I was so confused as to how merely going to the courthouse to finalize the divorce after I left two years ago was dragging me down so bad. 

I'm quite thankful to all of you for assuring me I'm not crazy lol  I tend to jump to that conclusion


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

CLucas976 said:


> I guess I just cannot believe that after the amount of time that has elapsed and the positive changes in my life and my overall mood and outlook on things, that the brief time we spent in the courtroom while my lawyer talked with the judge stirred up all these feelings.


It's called trauma. Let it come and then go. I've asked a lot of the same questions. The best answer I have, is right, left, right ,left, right, left, right and keep marching onward.


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