# To cheating men: What made you come back to try reconciliation.



## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

My husband left me 10 weeks. He had been having an EA for 3 months, he is now seeing her and i am sure it won't be long before it is a physical affair. 

He is has moved very slowly with her and when i asked him why he had not slept with her he said 'he wanted to get his head straight and make sure it was the right thing to do'.

I basically want him to come back and work on our relationship. 
I have tried everything against the 180 dogma. I have cried, begged, threatened, promised change etc. 
Basically after 10 weeks he still says he stands by his decision. 
I now know i cannot make him come back with anything i say or do. He left, it has to be his decision to come back. 

My heart knows he is not sure about all this. He is not sure of his decision. 

I was just wondering for those men out there who went off and had an EA or PA and left you partners to pursue it
1) what made you stop the affair?
2) what made you come back to your wife and what put you off?
3) what made you want to try again?
4) how long before you came back and asked for a try?
5) did the 180 approach of your woman work?


i am interested to see what people's answers are. 
In the mean time i am going to stop contacting him, get stronger and be seen to be moving on. I hope for reconciliation still but i am not sure how long i will wait. 

thank you for replying boys


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Well I never left my wife - never even considered it in reality while I was in my EA so I'm certainly different than your H, but I can tell you this. As long as he is in the fog of his affair he is not thinking clearly - not even close. So, what you've got to do is try to break him out of the fog which is what the 180 is designed to do. Hopefully he will realize and appreciate what he is throwing away before he hurts you beyond the point of recovery. I know that it sounds like he has rationally thought about his decision by saying he hasn't gone PA because he wanted to be sure of his decision - that's just rationalization of a crazy person in the fog. There is nothing rational about his thinking right now. All you can do is try to make him see what he is throwing away - what life will be like without you, and hope that he appreciates that before it's too late. In the mean time, you have to begin the process of accepting the possibility of a life without him. Betrayeds hate it when waywards say this, but this isn't about you, it's about getting his head out of his [email protected]@ and making him see reality. 

Affairs are very hard to kill/quit, he won't do it unless he wants to. Hopefully he will see what is at stake and decide he wants to reconcile, but if he doesn't there is ultimately not a lot you can do. 

Sorry you're here. Good Luck.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

The only thing that may perform shock therapy on him and cause him to rethink what he is doing is a hard decision. You telling him, No Contact now and actions to show it and forever or I file. You must follow through if he gives the same old response. Contact a lawyer and get the details of how you have to do it and let him know. If he doesn't change his mind, file. It can always be stopped. It took this kind of action with my wife to get her to stop. I don't believe in the 180 other than working on you and what you need. The rest is deceptive and not what you want. Be honest and take the hard step.


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

Why is it being deceptive. Just wanted to know whether it is just time. Or that the man has to go and spend time with the new woman to see that it is all just 'grass is greener' syndrome. 
When a man is leaving you and saying 'its definitely over' and 'i just done love you enough'. Is that some thing that he will change his mind over given time and the reality kicking in?

Just wanted to know if it was space and time to clear their own head, and reevaulate things that makes a man want to come back to his wife. Do they ever realise that despite what they said that they do actually love you and want to try again


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Unfortunately for both cheating men and women, the quickest way for it to get on the way to cooling off is for the PA to be consummated.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> The only thing that may perform shock therapy on him and cause him to rethink what he is doing is a hard decision. You telling him, No Contact now and actions to show it and forever or I file. You must follow through if he gives the same old response. Contact a lawyer and get the details of how you have to do it and let him know. If he doesn't change his mind, file. It can always be stopped. It took this kind of action with my wife to get her to stop. I don't believe in the 180 other than working on you and what you need. The rest is deceptive and not what you want. Be honest and take the hard step.


:iagree:


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## smartyblue (Jun 22, 2011)

When my ex husband decided to leave me, my former mother in law (a 4x divorcee) told me "When a man makes a decision, a man makes a decision." Sweetie, you are searching for hope. We cling to hope. We can't help it. Here's what I believe happened: he weighed his options -- you or the affair. He left. He chose the affair. 

He had time to think about his actions and he made a choice. It wasn't you. (I am sitting in the same boat with you. I got dumped earlier this year and it hurts.) There are no mixed messages. He told you what he wants you to know. He's out, so move on.

Your recovery begins with this: 
(1) go read the book, "He's Just Not that Into You." 
(2) Cute yourself up and make sure you feel good about yourself. It may take some time, but you have to make sure that you love you. 
(3) Keep busy with new hobbies, travel, hang with friends. 
(4) Do not contact him at all unless you have to about the kids or the house. If you have to contact him, use email and only relay facts; do not ask how he is. You don't care! Do not tell him anything about you. Only ask the questions you need the answers to.
(5) Cry in private of with girlfriends as much as you need to. NEVER let him know you are upset anymore. If he is thinking about coming back, he doesn't want to return to a weak, cry baby. 

That's my divorced woman response. I hope it doesn't hurt your feelings. The sooner you get on with your amazing future without this cheating loser, the better off you will be, hot stuff!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

drsparkle said:


> He is has moved very slowly with her and when i asked him why he had not slept with her he said 'he wanted to get his head straight and make sure it was the right thing to do'.


You are deluding yourself if you think they aren't sleeping together. 



drsparkle said:


> My heart knows he is not sure about all this. He is not sure of his decision.


This will sound harsh: if he wasn't "sure" about all this, he wouldn't have left and moved in with another woman. 

Again, you're deluding yourself.

Accept reality, that he's gone and plan your life accordingly.

Either he will come back or he won't. Right now, look at this from the point that he's gone and not coming back and know you will prevail no matter what. The worst cases I've seen, when the left spouse keeps waiting and waiting and begging and holding out the olive branch, the more respect the DS/WS loses for them and the more turned off they are. So don't be that way. Stand tall, pick up the pieces and start to move on. If he truly wants to be with you, he will come back. There is absolutely *nothing* you can do to "make" him do so. 

Remove yourself as an option for him and do not call him or be there for him in any "wifely" way. He lost that privilege when he walked out on you. 



smartyblue said:


> Here's what I believe happened: he weighed his options -- you or the affair. He left. He chose the affair.
> 
> He had time to think about his actions and he made a choice. It wasn't you. (I am sitting in the same boat with you. I got dumped earlier this year and it hurts.) There are no mixed messages. He told you what he wants you to know. He's out, so move on.


:iagree:


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

Thanks jelly. 

He has not moving in with her. He is in our house but will be moving to his brothers soon. 
I think i have no reach a place, as you say, where nothing i can do or say will make him come back. If fact all the crying, reasoning and begging shows him all my bad features and pushes him away into the arms of another woman. 
The more i tell him he will regret it and that he relationship won't work the more he will try his hardest to prove me wrong. 

I think now the time is for me to accept it and work hard on me and my life. What will be will be. it will all work out ok in the long run.


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

Come on there must be more cheating men on here who have some words of wisdom as to what goes on in their minds during an affair and what makes you realise you did love your wife and want to come back.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Just to throw my $0.02 in... I had an affair, and ended it. My wife never found out about it. We did a round of reconciliation, but nothing came up to change my mind that the relationship was over. So we separated, and have been for over 6 months now.

There isn't anything I can imagine my wife doing to get me to come back. I had an affair to try to meet the needs that weren't being met in my marriage. Stupid, but there you have it. In the end, though, I wasn't leaving my marriage just to be with the other woman, but because my marriage was not repairable. 

My point is that as I see it, you have a couple of options. If you want to reconcile, you can either try a 180, which will both move you to a healthier place, and demonstrate to him that you don't need him, and that he's giving up a strong vibrant woman. You can also use the affair busting tips in here to make his affair an uncomfortable place, and move him out of his fog. Both of these things have the potential to backfire, but if they do, you're likely not in any worse shape than you are now. With the 180, you end up giving him the freedom to continue his affair without being in his face. This makes it easier for him to continue. With busting his affair, you may end up building resentment in him, and also freeing up his affair partner if her marriage (if any) breaks up because of it.

Anyway, not sure if this helps. But begging, crying, and pleading isn't likely to get the job done. But you know that already.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## loveiswhereiamnot (Jul 8, 2011)

I think probably the answer is different for every man, but I do know when their picker is doing the thinking, they are operating without brakes.

So it really doesn't matter why they change their minds. Some do, some don't. There's no one thing that anyone can say will work - no magic bullets to kill the A.

The 180 is for you. Do it because it's the best thing for yourself. Begging absolutely doesn't work, nor does anger or arguing, and it makes you feel like crap to be reduced to pleading with a cheating person to come back to you. The 180 is about getting yourself and your pride back, coming to terms with a life that won't include your WS.

As you find yourself again, stop begging, stop arguing, stop all the things that are such a turn-off, you'll feel good again, you'll find yourself slowly becoming okay with being alone and even liking it.

That person is the one your WS fell in love with, and they may see that again. Or they may not. It depends on how far gone they are. Regardless of what they do, if they do decide they want to try and make the M work, you'll be in a much better place to decide if that's what YOU want. 

It's hard, but it is a lot easier to do that than to be watching him in this relationship with the OW and still pleading, begging with him to come back. You have to pretend for a while that you don't care, but in time, that will be a little bit true, and then more true.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

You have to let him go... Move on.. He has made his decision. he chose her. Let him know that you are a strong woman and will be just fine without him.. and maybe he will pull his head out of his arse.. When/if he does you may not want him back.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

i didn't leave my wife but after the affair was discovered i was ready to leave. the only thing that stopped me was my wife agreed to marriage counseling. she did so only after she realized i was actually going to leave.

this wasn't a request that i made AFTER the affair. i had asked her several times before the affair, when our marriage was floundering, to go to marriage counseling. had she refused again, i would have left right then.


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