# My marriage is in trouble and I don't know what to do...



## FineByMe (Apr 7, 2011)

I think my marriage is in serious trouble. I think that is probably an understatement.

DH and I have been married for 14 years. I work FT and am a PhD student. DH is home during the day with the three kids (8,6,3, we homeschool) and works two part time food service jobs in the evenings/weekends. We have always had issues but this time things have gone on too long and last night DH packed up his car and left after the kids went to bed, but did come back eventually. 

DH is a stonewaller. He has been angry and not talking to me for about three weeks now. He has been sleeping in the guest room. I am not even exactly clear what he is so mad about.

DH will not do counseling. We did marriage counseling a few years ago and it was a disaster so he is not willing to try it again. 

I asked him today if he was moving out and he said “I don’t know yet.” I am so tired of this sort of immature response that I am emotionally checked out. Honestly the only thing I can think about is if he left, how could I pay for childcare? I really do not know what to do. Our family is over 1000 miles away and we are seriously strapped for money so even leaving for a long weekend and giving him some space isn’t an option. In the past when things have been bad between us I have been an emotional mess. This time I’m kinda pissed but mostly I just don’t feel anything. 

So do I continue to act as if nothing is wrong and go about my business (as I have been), do I confront him until he talks (may or may not work), do I ask him to leave and not to come back until he can talk things out like an adult? Other ideas?


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

You really have no idea what he could be upset by? Without knowing what he's upset about, we don't know if he's justified to be upset with you. Regardless, stonewalling and avoidance is obviously not productive. But depending on what he's upset about, maybe you owe him an apology, maybe you don't. It's hard to say until you give more details.


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## FineByMe (Apr 7, 2011)

This whole thing started about 3 weeks ago…DH has a sister-in-law battling stage 4 melanoma. SIL is married to DH’s brother who DH is not, and never has been, close to. DH is one of 10 children and he is the only sibling that does not live within an hour of their mom. So we found out in January that the family was planning a benefit auction for SIL. We talked about it at the time and decided that instead of attending the auction we would make and send several items that could be auctioned off. Our _mutual_ justification for that was that a trip home would cost at least $500 and then we wouldn’t be able to buy anything at the auction anyway. So instead we made/got donations of several items and all in all our items brought in about $2000 worth of bids for the auction. A few days before the auction DH started going into his reclusive place. There were plenty of phone calls from his siblings around that time and I overheard him justifying our decision not to come to the auction more than a few times. When I confronted him a few days after the auction he went off about how I didn’t respect him or his family, that we only go “home” (our families of origin live within 30 minutes of each other) for things I want and I needed to give him his space. Well the truth is that of the last three times we have been home, two of the trips have been for events happening within his family but I didn’t even go there. 

We are now almost three weeks past that confrontation and he is still stonewalling.

Last night we had a brief blow out because I came home to the church schedule for Sunday school treats which indicated that we were suppose to bring treats last Sunday. DH had written on it BIG and in BOLD, BLACK marker “VERY EMBARASSING ” Well I reminded him that if he had _listened _to me a few weeks ago that I had traded weekends with another member and in fact we needed to bring treats _this_ week, thus we had not missed our rotation, which he would not believe as true. I was upset at how he had passively aggressively confronted the situation and told him that I thought he was acting like a child. I then went back into the office to go back to class (distance PhD program) and from there I could hear him going in and out of the house, apparently packing his car. As I mentioned before he left after the kids went to bed but then came back late last night. When I confronted him today and he told me he didn’t know if he was moving out he said “You have your hands full with three kids, you don’t need a forth.”

So, I can admit that I should not have said he was acting like a child but after three weeks of his stonewalling I have had enough. It wouldn’t even matter if I apologized to him right now because every time I try to talk to him he blatantly ignores me.

So I can assume that he is still pissed about missing his SIL's auction but who knows...


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

So it sounds like in his head he views the decision to not go home for the SIL auction as one you pushed on him rather than a mutual decision.. but it still seems like there must be something else. I can't imagine that either of these instances is enough to set off what he's acting like. maybe its the accumulation of alot of little things.

Maybe the two of you could benefit from a date night. If you can't afford a babysitter, maybe you can trade babysitting nights with a friend.. you watch her kids one night and she watches yours the next.

Beyond these last 3 weeks, what is your relationship usually like? Has his behavior changed recently? If so, then he could be hiding something from you - like becoming involved with someone else. Dunno.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I think you demand that he treat you with respect. He can't shut down and not tell you why. 

You give him space and let him make this decision on his own. Any intervention from you will only cause him to pull back more than he already is.

My MC story is in my profile. 

I think you guys need to get into MC again to make this work. Let him be disconnected and deal the the concequences of not being willing to go back to MC with you. Love him, but don't let him back in to your good graces without MC. If he is choosing to not go to MC, the marriage is probably going to die sooner or later. If that is his choice make it clear he is free to do whatever he wants, but demand respect and MC if he wants to be with you.

Again, make it clear. MC/me/sex with me/our marriage/respect for me vs. free to do what you want/leave at any time/suffer those consequences. 

Shielding him from the consequences (slowly dying marriage but still connected wife) by being OK with him not going to MC with you doesn't help anything.

Its a hard line to follow, but I think its the best. Get the book "love must be tough" tonight and read it.

IMO, If he choses you and MC, then reward him. You might want to make that clear in a discussion. If my wife had said I'm not willing to have sex with you until you chose MC, but if you chose MC and me (you might just want to hint at this) I'll have sex with you (insert something interesting/fantasy about it) or something else physical, there really would have been no discussion.

Also, I liked our secular counselor except for a few things. I would probably go to a religious counselor if given a chance to do it again.


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## magsjones (Apr 11, 2011)

I feel like I am going through the same thing with my husband. He is not ready to "talk" yet about what the hell he wants to do. He is not sure if he is willing to try therapy or not. Well I am sick of feeling like my life is in his hands. I need to know now. The stress is killing me and even if he doesn't care about me he should care about his baby I am carrying. Whatever I think he likes to watch me worry about it. Supposedly he is going to be ready to talk tomorrow when he gets off work. If it wasn't for my kids I would tell him to shove it.


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