# I can't stop thinking about the guy that my wife slept with. Does it ever get better?



## charrlie

Last year, I discovered my wife was having an affair with a co-worker. I discovered this because she was being very secretive with her phone. I managed to figure out her password and I logged in while she was sleeping. I saw plenty of explicit texts between them as well as pictures. What hit me the hardest was the pictures he sent of his penis. She made many comments about the size and what she wanted to do to it. This hurt because I'm not exactly the largest guy down there. She's always told me that it's fine and she is happy with my size. I'm glad she never complained about my size but seeing her worship and keep talking about his size, it hurt so much. I must say that this guy was pretty hung like a horse. I woke her up and confronted her with the evidence. She admitted everything and we cried together. She said she was just having fun but she did admit to having sex with him twice. I pressed for too many details and she said that she did give him oral sex. 

After everything was out in the open, she resigned which is something I wanted her to do anyway so she can stay home more often with our son. She has been doing her best to be the perfect wife and she seems sincerely sorry. Still, it's almost a year later and I can't keep thinking about this guy. it hurts that she was so infatuated with his size and that's something I can never compete with. I've asked her about this and she keeps telling me that my size is ok but still, I feel like I'm inadequate. I randomly think about this and get upset. Just today, I saw her eating a footlong coney dog while we were at the fair and I totally lost it. I don't know what's happening to me and why I can't stop thinking about this but I need some sort of help or advice. Does it ever get better and how can I get this guy out of my head?


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## Truthseeker1

charrlie said:


> Last year, I discovered my wife was having an affair with a co-worker. I discovered this because she was being very secretive with her phone. I managed to figure out her password and I logged in while she was sleeping. I saw plenty of explicit texts between them as well as pictures. What hit me the hardest was the pictures he sent of his penis. She made many comments about the size and what she wanted to do to it. This hurt because I'm not exactly the largest guy down there. She's always told me that it's fine and she is happy with my size. I'm glad she never complained about my size but seeing her worship and keep talking about his size, it hurt so much. I must say that this guy was pretty hung like a horse. I woke her up and confronted her with the evidence. She admitted everything and we cried together. *She said she was just having fun but she did admit to having sex with him twice.* I pressed for too many details and she said that she did give him oral sex.
> 
> After everything was out in the open, she resigned which is something I wanted her to do anyway so she can stay home more often with our son. She has been doing her best to be the perfect wife and she seems sincerely sorry. Still, it's almost a year later and I can't keep thinking about this guy. it hurts that she was so infatuated with his size and that's something I can never compete with. I've asked her about this and she keeps telling me that my size is ok but still, I feel like I'm inadequate. I randomly think about this and get upset. Just today, I saw her eating a footlong coney dog while we were at the fair and I totally lost it. I don't know what's happening to me and why I can't stop thinking about this but I need some sort of help or advice. Does it ever get better and how can I get this guy out of my head?


Just having fun? What were the consequences for her affair?Did you expose there affair to the bosses at her old job? Did you two get MC and you IC?


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## charrlie

I didn't expose because she agreed to quit. I assume MC is marriage counseling and we didn't do that. We decided to talk things through and try to make it work for our son's sake.


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## GusPolinski

charrlie said:


> *I didn't expose* because she agreed to quit. I assume MC is marriage counseling and we didn't do that. We decided to talk things through and try to make it work for our son's sake.


Is OM married? If so, did you expose to his wife?


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## Truthseeker1

charrlie said:


> I didn't expose because she agreed to quit. I assume MC is marriage counseling and we didn't do that. We decided to talk things through and try to make it work for our son's sake.


 @charrlie - I'm sorry you are here but I would advise you talk to a counselor yourself - this looks like you two are rugsweeping the affair - you have many unanswered questions why did she cheat? Did you two have marital problems? How is your wife working to make herself a safer partner? 

It seems ot me you are carrying this burden by yourself and you need some help - have you told your wife how you feel? 

Was the other man married? Did you expose the affair to his wife? You should have exposed at work in order for bosses ot know about the other mans antics as well...

Your wife needs ot know the consequences of her affair dont end with some tears and an I'm sorry...she destroyed your old marriage and now you both are rebuilding a new one..


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## kristin2349

charrlie said:


> Last year, I discovered my wife was having an affair with a co-worker. I discovered this because she was being very secretive with her phone. I managed to figure out her password and I logged in while she was sleeping. I saw plenty of explicit texts between them as well as pictures. What hit me the hardest was the pictures he sent of his penis. She made many comments about the size and what she wanted to do to it. This hurt because I'm not exactly the largest guy down there. She's always told me that it's fine and she is happy with my size. I'm glad she never complained about my size but seeing her worship and keep talking about his size, it hurt so much. I must say that this guy was pretty hung like a horse. I woke her up and confronted her with the evidence. She admitted everything and we cried together. She said she was just having fun but she did admit to having sex with him twice. I pressed for too many details and she said that she did give him oral sex.
> 
> After everything was out in the open, she resigned which is something I wanted her to do anyway so she can stay home more often with our son. She has been doing her best to be the perfect wife and she seems sincerely sorry. Still, it's almost a year later and I can't keep thinking about this guy. it hurts that she was so infatuated with his size and that's something I can never compete with. I've asked her about this and she keeps telling me that my size is ok but still, I feel like I'm inadequate. I randomly think about this and get upset.* Just today, I saw her eating a footlong coney dog while we were at the fair and I totally lost it.*I don't know what's happening to me and why I can't stop thinking about this but I need some sort of help or advice. Does it ever get better and how can I get this guy out of my head?



They usually don't sell Vienna sausages at fairs. You've seen the visual evidence your wife is a cheating size queen. IMO you don't get over something like that.


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## charrlie

I didn't know if he was married and never asked. Honestly, I was just happy enough that she was willing to resign so I didn't press anymore about him after that. I was hurt enough about everything that was already seen and said so I didn't want to take anymore. Maybe I can look at counseling at least for myself because I can't get him out of my head.


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## Truthseeker1

kristin2349 said:


> They usually don't sell Vienna sausages at fairs. You've seen the visual evidence your wife is a cheating size queen. IMO you don't get over something like that.


 @kristin2349 is right...infidelity takes 2-5 years to heal from and it sounds like your healing has not even begun....you still have an open wound that has not been treated...she gave you no real resonf or cheating other than it was fun...infidelity is not a game....


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## 86857

R is tough @charrlie. Not a nice club to be in. What happens from here is largely how remorseful WS is. If she is, you will see it & more importantly you will know it & you can rebuild from there. 

As @Truthseeker1 said, you need IC, especially for the issue of feeling inadequate. For the record, from a gal's point of view & it's not just me but all the women I know cos girls do talk don't ya know . Anyway, the general consensus is that it's a lot more about what he does with it than what the size is. Funny thing, the stallions are usually not as good lovers. . . because they don't feel like they have to! Frenchmen are small in stature and slim. Yet they're supposed to be the best lovers in the world. I have to say I dated a couple of Frenchmen when I was in my twenties & I'd have to agree with it


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## Truthseeker1

charrlie said:


> I didn't know if he was married and never asked. Honestly, I was just happy enough that she was willing to resign so I didn't press anymore about him after that. I was hurt enough about everything that was already seen and said so I didn't want to take anymore. Maybe I can look at counseling at least for myself because I can't get him out of my head.


What you did was called rugsweeoping @charrlie - you never really dealt with her affair or made sure there were consequences..you said you were happy enough she resigned...um no - thats not how it works - she should be bending over backwards doing what needs to be done to make it up to YOU - the good folks at TAM have a lot of experience - LISTEN to them...they will help you...


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## ConanHub

You both need counseling and you could do with more education about female sexuality.

You need to get confidence back. I'm sorry for the damage to your psych.

I've seen too many men feel inferior for all the wrong reasons.

I understand your thinking but you have it backwards.

Forgive my language but your wife is a stupid slvt.

She is the one that needs to up her game and prove herself to you, not vice versa.

She needs to blow your mind and please you. She also needs to communicate her wants and desires fully to you, becoming completely vulnerable to you.

You need some therapy. Possibly sexual therapy.

Don't take this lightly or you will continue to suffer.

Size is honestly mostly a novelty to most women.

Is your wife a size queen?

Did the affair start because she found out he was hung?

How has your communication about the affair and everything else been?

Get help if you want to save your marriage.

Be prepared for any truth your wife has to offer. If she really liked the big one, let her be vulnerable enough to share that with you.

That level of intimacy will increase her sexual response to you.

I am easily the sex god of Mrs. Conan's life and her first husband was part horse, you know which part, and he can't compare to me in any aspect of my marriage including the bedroom.

You can become the best lover she has ever had. Believe it.

It will take work and trust from you both.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maxo

No. I would not get over it,ever.


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## Truthseeker1

I agree with @ConanHub - your wife need to be doing some serious heavy lifting to repair this marriage - if she just cheated because she was curious about his big member than she is an immoral idiot...


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## TaDor

I wish my wayward was at least working on *us* for real. But yeah, you both need therapy. I'm getting therapy...

Damn F~in mind-movies. There is a difference in sex and making love to someone you "love", and that hurts the most.

Yeah charrlie, if you don't repair - you won't heal. And for many of us, it takes a while to heal.


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## Marc878

It may dissapate but it will never go away. 

You jumped right into reconciliation with no long term thought.

Can you live with this the rest of your marriage.

If he was married exposure to his wife IMO gets some closure.

Did she even tell you his name?


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## jsmart

That's a tough thing to deal with. Knowing what she did would sicken any man. Had sex 2 times? Really. At least she admitted the BJs. Which i what a woman obsessing about a guy's penis will enthusiastically perform. For her actions, she gets rewarded with being able to be a SAHM. 

Rug sweeping is horrible way to start an R. Personally I think that after a sexual PA, it's best to divorce and have at least 1 sexual relationship lasting as long as the affair lasted before trying to R. And only if the WW stays chaise.


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## bryanp

Did you both get tested for STD's?

If the roles had been reversed and told your wife that you
were just having fun; do you think your wife would have been
so passive and accepting as you?


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## Maxo

I believe the self conciuoness this type of thing causes could,very well,at some point,cause performance issues.
Even without the size deal,infidelity can,sometimes,cause sexual dysfunction in the bdtrayed.


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## Marc878

No remourse = no reconciliation 

Remourse does not mean sorry for getting caught

Look up the definition


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## Truthseeker1

Marc878 said:


> No remourse = no reconciliation
> 
> Remourse does not mean sorry for getting caught
> 
> Look up the definition


Exactly - how exactly has your wife shown remorse? Plus she quit her job and now she doesnt work - how did that solve anything?


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## Maxo

Are you in a position to divorce? I would consider it,if you are.


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## GusPolinski

charrlie said:


> I didn't know if he was married and never asked.


This makes absolutely no sense to me. You find out that your wife is in an affair w/ a co-worker and you don't even bother to gather intel?

You don't even PREPARE for exposure, divorce, etc...?



charrlie said:


> Honestly, I was just happy enough that she was willing to resign so I didn't press anymore about him after that. I was hurt enough about everything that was already seen and said so I didn't want to take anymore. Maybe I can look at counseling at least for myself because *I can't get him out of my head.*


For as long as you remain in this marriage, you never will.

And as for the rest of it...

Dude, you've got what you've got and you'll never have even a centimeter more. Some guys will be bigger, others will be smaller.

But your size has nothing to do w/ why your wife cheated. OM could've been no larger than you as long as he said all the right things to get her to open her legs. She cheated because she wanted to do it and figured that she _could_ do it w/o getting caught.

Period.


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## Truthseeker1

@charrlie you have found the right place to help you - but it will require ACTION on your part - youve apparently been too passive thus far post-affair and that needs to change..


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## Steve1000

charrlie said:


> Does it ever get better and how can I get this guy out of my head?


Sorry Charrlie. It gradually gets better, perhaps every six-months is a little better than the previous six months. However, it probably never completely gets better even if you and your wife don't rug sweep. The hell with reconciling is that you will still have those awful thoughts everyday for years. 

I would no longer choose to reconcile because some things just can't be repaired.


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## charrlie

GusPolinski said:


> This makes absolutely no sense to me. You find out that your wife is in an affair w/ a co-worker and you don't even bother to gather intel?
> 
> You don't even PREPARE for exposure, divorce, etc...?
> 
> 
> 
> For as long as you remain in this marriage, you never will.
> 
> And as for the rest of it...
> 
> Dude, you've got what you've got and you'll never have even a centimeter more. Some guys will be bigger, others will be smaller.
> 
> But your size has nothing to do w/ why your wife cheated. OM could've been no larger than you as long as he said all the right things to get her to open her legs. She cheated because she wanted to do it and figured that she _could_ do it w/o getting caught.
> 
> Period.


I would have went further with things had she not confessed but she came clean and was crying. It really felt like she was sorry and I had seen enough on her phone to know that I didn't want to know more. Looking back now, it was stupid for me to think that I could get over things easily because even now, the feelings of anger are just as intense if not more intense than they were when I found out.


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## charrlie

Truthseeker1 said:


> Exactly - how exactly has your wife shown remorse? Plus she quit her job and now she doesnt work - how did that solve anything?


She seemed sorry and confessed to things that I didn't even know about like the oral sex. She seemed sincere plus she was willing to resign which is something I wanted her to do in the past but she refused. Thinking about it now, she probably refused so she could be closer to him.


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## Truthseeker1

charrlie said:


> I would have went further with things had she not confessed but she came clean and was crying. It really felt like she was sorry and I had seen enough on her phone to know that I didn't want to know more. Looking back now, it was stupid for me to think that I could get over things easily because even now, the feelings of anger are just as intense if not more intense than they were when I found out.


 @charrlie I'm not trying to be hard on you but real and your post points out a few problems in your approach:

1) You don't know if she came totally clean - you dont know if it was only 2 times or 20 times - you never asked for a polygraph test, a time line, complete access to all her email, social media,, etc..so at this stage you don't know the extent of the affair

2) Tears mean absolutely sh!t upon getting caught in affair - your wifes tears display neither remorse or sorrow just fear at losing her situation...that is it...people dont seem sorry and remorseful - they show it every day over along period of time...

3) By not wanting to know more you are rugsweeping and you have allowed this to fester for a year and it is only going to get worse...

4) Without any consequences your wife has be given a pass for her transgression and I assure you she is doing just fine thinking it is all behind her now - and on top of that she doesn't have to work...

5) You needed counseling a year ago - and should go immediately into counseling and so should your wife to figure out why she did such an immoral thing for nothing but fun...


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## metallicaluvr

okay, **** this. you know how you can get over the thoughts of this guy? by leaving your cheating ***** of a wife who has absolutely no respect for you and humiliated you in the worst way possible.

you gave her no consequences for her actions and that is why she thinks you are a weak coward who will never leave her.

you seem to lack the self-respect to not want to be with someone who would do this to you as well as the confidence that you are capable of being with other, better, more loyal women.

if you are going to come up with excuses to me as to why you won't divorce her, please don't. Just hope your son doesn't grow up to be a doormat.

btw, she WILL do this again. may be tomorrow, may be 10 years later, but you WILL be cheated on again.


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## Truthseeker1

charrlie said:


> She seemed sorry and confessed to things that I didn't even know about like the oral sex. She seemed sincere plus she was willing to resign which is something I wanted her to do in the past but she refused. Thinking about it now, she probably refused so she could be closer to him.


That was damage control - she told you what she wanted you to know...not a damned thing more..


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## arbitrator

*Your W sounds largely like the type of gal who shows genuine regret ... only until such time that she gets caught salivating for the next "foot long" in her future and then hiding it all from you!

Yeah, when it comes to issues of trust and covertly and insatiably smoking other men's "Oscar Mayer's," I would think that it's rather clear where her preferences "lie!"*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski

charrlie said:


> I would have went further with things had she not confessed but she came clean and was crying.


Dude. You had all the evidence that you needed in your hand. There's no way that she could've realistically denied it. Her tearful "confession" should've meant absolutely nothing to you, and all it really should have indicated to you was that she was sorry for nothing more than getting caught.



charrlie said:


> It really felt like she was sorry...


Again, she was sorry that she got caught.

That's it.

That's all.

Nothing else.



charrlie said:


> ...and I had seen enough on her phone to know that I didn't want to know more. Looking back now, it was stupid for me to think that I could get over things easily because even now, the feelings of anger are just as intense if not more intense than they were when I found out.


Most would give you a break on this.

I mean, yeah, it was stupid and naive of you to think that you'd be able to just push something like an affair out of your mind and "get over it", but plenty of folks make those mistakes in the hours and days (Hell, sometimes even weeks and months) immediately following the discovery of an affair.

It's like getting hit in the face w/ a bucket of cold water -- at first all you're trying to do is to breathe.

Like any other major decision, though, choosing between reconciliation or divorce -- and regardless of the reason -- is deserving of a bit of time.

Does your wife still have passwords that you don't know on her phone, tablet, laptop, etc? What about her social media and e-mail accounts?


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## becareful

How old are you and your wife, charrlie? Age of your kids?


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## WorkingOnMe

So, since she got caught how many times has she complimented you, your technique etc... In the way she gushed about his size. Was she believable? Or has she just been silent on it?


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## Steve1000

GusPolinski said:


> Most would give you a break on this.
> 
> It's like getting hit in the face w/ a bucket of cold water -- at first all you're trying to do is to breathe.


Exactly. Any spouse should be forgiven for not reacting correctly to such an awful discovery. It takes some of us more time than others, but eventually we all realize that rug sweeping doesn't really work.


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## Wolf1974

I really don't know how anyone could reconcile after this. I do think that this more than you can handle yourself. If you do really want to stay I think you both need counseling to have a chance. But you might need to prepare yourself that even though you don't want this to end it may have to.


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## MattMatt

It will get better.

But you will need therapy to help you get through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wazza

Some can get over it, some can't. How's your sex life since it all happened?


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## highwood

This is why I wish people would think about the long term consequences when they embark on "just having fun"....or I needed a "boost to my ego"....the damage is terrible and can live on for years after....


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## manfromlamancha

Charrlie, the bottom line here is that you have not had closure or conclusion to what happened!

First of all, yes it is emasculating when the POSOM's d!ck is larger, longer etc and a million times worse when she praises it in a message that you saw - it is almost impossible to recover from this. So I understand. The only thing worse would have been if she compared you to him. It sounds like she was stroking his ego by praising it (as opposed to being dissatisfied with your size). But there are things you can do about the rest.

You need for him to have consequences. You should make it your mission to find out more about him (discreetly if possible) and make sure that his wife, girlfriend, partner whatever knows about what happened. Also let the workplace know and express how disappointed you are with them (HR) for enabling this "alienation of affection". This may well get him fired too.

Next, I agree that a poly would be very fulfilling for you (some consequences as opposed to the rug sweeping that has taken place). You might not have the whole story - how long this has been going on, how many times, where (worst would be in your home and your bed), whether he has met your children, whether she has been with you both on the same day etc etc. 

And then she needs to understand what heavy lifting really is with no promise of staying together. And then watch her reaction and actions.

You must have come across as very needy, dependent, weak etc to be happy just with the fact that she "agreed" to quit her job and that was enough for you - this would have made you look weak to any woman!

You need to recover your self respect!


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## jsmart

manfromlamancha said:


> Charrlie, the bottom line here is that you have not had closure or conclusion to what happened!
> 
> First of all, yes it is emasculating when the POSOM's d!ck is larger, longer etc and a million times worse when she praises it in a message that you saw - it is almost impossible to recover from this. So I understand. The only thing worse would have been if she compared you to him. It sounds like she was stroking his ego by praising it (as opposed to being dissatisfied with your size). But there are things you can do about the rest.
> 
> You need for him to have consequences. *You should make it your mission to find out more about him (discreetly if possible) and make sure that his wife, girlfriend, partner whatever knows about what happened. Also let the workplace know and express how disappointed you are with them (HR) for enabling this "alienation of affection". This may well get him fired too.*
> 
> Next, I agree that a poly would be very fulfilling for you (some consequences as opposed to the rug sweeping that has taken place). *You might not have the whole story - how long this has been going on, how many times, where (worst would be in your home and your bed), whether he has met your children, whether she has been with you both on the same day etc etc*.
> 
> And then she needs to understand what heavy lifting really is with no promise of staying together. And then watch her reaction and actions.
> 
> *You must have come across as very needy, dependent, weak etc to be happy just with the fact that she "agreed" to quit her job and that was enough for you - this would have made you look weak to any woman!*
> 
> You need to recover your self respect!


I agree that he should make this POS's life as hellish as possible.
Messing things up for him at home and his work would go a long way.

I agree that OP rushed the investigation down way to early. If this went on for months, everyone here knows that having sex 2 times and a BJ is a complete lie. Knowing how wanton WWs are with their POS, everyone here knows she performed every act. This guy had everything on her menu. 

Finding out if this guy banged her on their marital bed is something he should want to know. I think about the thread of the guy wanting to get over it with his wife having multiple EAs & 1 PA. The woman fvcked POS on the marital bed while their kids had a sleepover with POS kids in another room and BH was on a golf trip. So we know that waywards will go there.

When taking her phallic worshiping into consideration, is there any doubt that this POS has pics of the mother of his kid. That is something I could never forgive. The statue of limitations doesn't apply to Rs. The betrayed have every right to decide they can no longer tolerate that betrayal and file D.


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## MattMatt

Be careful however. Make sure your righteous desire for revenge on him does not become an obsession.

That will not help you in the long term.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix

Take my word for it Dawg, you've got bigger problems with your old lady than just this guys bigger johnson. Any woman will tell you if all it takes to flag them down is by waving a big un , she's just not into you all that much. Women worship the man, not just his tool. Her saying it was just fun is womanese meaning fun takes precedent over loyalty. My guess is she keeping you around as "roof over her head" insurance.
Remember, if she's that much into d-cks, she's into multiple d-cks and you won't change her.


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## MattMatt

ThePheonix said:


> Take my word for it Dawg, you've got bigger problems with your old lady than just this guys bigger johnson. Any woman will tell you if all it takes to flag them down is by waving a big un , she's just not into you all that much. Women worship the man, not just his tool. Her saying it was just fun is womanese meaning fun takes precedent over loyalty. My guess is she keeping you around as "roof over her head" insurance.
> Remember, if she's that much into d-cks, she's into multiple d-cks and you won't change her.


Monitoring her might be helpful. If you can do it in the longer term.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix

To me, monitoring is ok is you want to catch um screwing around and jettison them for something better. Monitoring them, with their knowledge, in order to keep them from jumping in the sack with another guy ain't worth it. It's too much work for too little value. I just don't want someone who thinks the need something outside of what they have with me. It ain't that hard to cut them loose and replace them when you think about it.


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## bigfoot

Okay, your wife had sex with a man with a bigger ****. She loved it. There you go. It would be foolish to think that the woman we married married us because we were the one with the biggest ****. Heck, if your wife had prior sexual experience before you, it would be foolish to think that you were the best she's ever had and thus she chose you. For that matter, it would be foolish to think that you are both the biggest and best she's ever had. Deal with that. 

Now, it is also very clear that almost any man learning what you learned about their wife would NOT be okay with it, be able to get over it in a year, or ever for that matter. I don't think dudes whose wives slept with smaller men or less skilled men feel better. In the end, their wives slept with another man. Cue the inadequacy sauce for the **** sandwich you are about to eat. No two ways about it.

You seemed to have just tried to rugsweep the whole thing and were glad that she "chose" to leave him and the job and pick you. Now, you are realizing that this whole thing is much bigger than that.

I would not divorce because he had a bigger ****. I would, however, evaluate whether I wanted to stay married to a cheater. I am not a fan of R, especially when it was a protracted (more than a drunken ONS)(even then not so sure). Everyone I know that has been cheated on and divorced is way happier. I do mean everyone who made the decision to move on with life is way happier. The ones who reconciled, well, they seem like folks who got what they wanted but realize that it was not worth what they paid to get it. 

The long and short: Big ****s, little ****s are all ****s. It sucks no matter what. Big ****ed men aren't better lovers. Little ****ed men aren't inferior to the big ****ed men. The women in my fantasies don't look like my wife. I've met women who do look like the women in my fantasies. Hell, I've been with them (pre marriage). Still, I married her. 

Finally, I used to screw around with a woman in college. Cheat actually. Her BF was about 6 ft. 9 in tall. hung like a mule, according to her. Built like a freak of nature. Still, she could not get enough of me. my point, maybe men are more concerned with the size of other men's ****s. Also, camera shots make average seem huge.


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## higgsb

@charrlie

Do you mind if I ask - did you wife ever perform oral sex on you? I also discovered really graphic texts and oral sex was a central theme. She had always refused me that favor so it just really killed me and it still does - like why would she do that for him and not for me? Also using condoms - she always insisted on after our second child was born but she routinely had unprotected sex with him. I'm just always wondering how common it is for WS to do things with their AP they would never do with spouses.

For me, 9 months out, I still obsess the POS but it has gotten better. The mind movies faded quicker than my obsession with the OM but it does get better. I doubt I'll ever totally stop thinking about the guy; I still google his name a few times a week. After I found out who he was, I did everything I could to make his life hell. 

I can't understand how you can be so forgiving. This man knowingly violated your woman and he should at least be made to feel uncomfortable. And your wife too - why shouldn't she suffer something beyond a good cry?


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## Marduk

If you can't let it go do yourself a favour and divorce her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ThePheonix

Do you remember in high school when some guy had a crush on and kept chasing a chick that didn't go for him. She treated him like he was dog shyt and would touch him with a 10 ft pole. When a woman is no longer interest in you, its the same way if she's 16, 28, or 45. When married to you, they keep you around to support their lifestyle. They may cut you in on a piece occasionally to keep you hooked but that's about it. Her making you wear a rubber was her way of keeping a barrier between her and your nasty pecker and body fluids.
I hope you ditched this slvt and upgraded to a better model. You couldn't do much worse, trust me.
And you need to remember who violated who. To say your wife got violated by the OM is like saying the rabbit ran into the fox's mouth. You can try punishing the other man but then whathave you changed about her.
If you think the mind movies old charrlie is playing is bad, you ought to see the ones his wife is playing now that she can't get a d-ck fix.


----------



## it-guy

The guy’s size is just what you have chosen to focus on. If you were larger than him, you would find some other comparison between him and yourself to feel self-conscious about. I felt self-conscious over the AP making more money, and how my ex-wife would do things for him that she would not do for me. How infatuated she was with him vs. me…. Ect….


----------



## wmn1

jsmart said:


> That's a tough thing to deal with. Knowing what she did would sicken any man. Had sex 2 times? Really. At least she admitted the BJs. Which i what a woman obsessing about a guy's penis will enthusiastically perform. For her actions, she gets rewarded with being able to be a SAHM.
> 
> Rug sweeping is horrible way to start an R. Personally I think that after a sexual PA, it's best to divorce and have at least 1 sexual relationship lasting as long as the affair lasted before trying to R. And only if the WW stays chaise.


or how about just divorce and no R at all ?

Cheaters are selfish and if you were victimized by a spouse who had a 6 year sexual affair, do you think a cheater will stay celibate for 6 years waiting on you ?

No, it won't happen. However, if it comes to that, why not just dump their skanky ass and move on to better places. 

I agree that his WW was not properly dealt with and was rewarded by becoming a SAHM. Has she cheated again ?


----------



## jsmart

@americansteve it is VERY common for WWs to perform wanton acts for their POS that they refuse their husbands. POS gets BJTC, and anal, husband gets told that's disgusting, I don't do things like that. Read the threads. 

That's why R after a sexual PA is crazy. These WWs fantasize about and pine away for their POS for years


----------



## higgsb

> @americansteve it is VERY common for WWs to perform wanton acts for their POS that they refuse their husbands. POS gets BJTC, and anal, husband gets told that's disgusting, I don't do things like that. Read the threads.
> 
> That's why R after a sexual PA is crazy. These WWs fantasize about and pine away for their POS for years


Thanks for that jsmart - I was beginning to think it was just me!
I'd love to read more on this.
Can you suggest a particular thread?


----------



## WhyMe66

charrlie said:


> Last year, I discovered my wife was having an affair with a co-worker. I discovered this because she was being very secretive with her phone. I managed to figure out her password and I logged in while she was sleeping. I saw plenty of explicit texts between them as well as pictures. What hit me the hardest was the pictures he sent of his penis. She made many comments about the size and what she wanted to do to it. This hurt because I'm not exactly the largest guy down there. She's always told me that it's fine and she is happy with my size. I'm glad she never complained about my size but seeing her worship and keep talking about his size, it hurt so much. I must say that this guy was pretty hung like a horse. I woke her up and confronted her with the evidence. She admitted everything and we cried together. She said she was just having fun but she did admit to having sex with him twice. I pressed for too many details and she said that she did give him oral sex.
> 
> After everything was out in the open, she resigned which is something I wanted her to do anyway so she can stay home more often with our son. She has been doing her best to be the perfect wife and she seems sincerely sorry. Still, it's almost a year later and I can't keep thinking about this guy. it hurts that she was so infatuated with his size and that's something I can never compete with. I've asked her about this and she keeps telling me that my size is ok but still, I feel like I'm inadequate. I randomly think about this and get upset. Just today, I saw her eating a footlong coney dog while we were at the fair and I totally lost it. I don't know what's happening to me and why I can't stop thinking about this but I need some sort of help or advice. Does it ever get better and how can I get this guy out of my head?


My STBXW had a PA for six weeks. I never thought she would do anything like that since she had been hurt by a cheating EH in the past. I *REALLY* didn't think she would bang the guy she did-they initially hated each other when she started working at this place. Well, to keep a short story short, I have been having nightmares about this M&*%#^$ F&!)&# since. Not about his endowment, because quite frankly if it has been around half as much as I think he has probably worn it down to a nub and caught every STD known to mankind-including the made up stuff in _Star Trek_! No, the nightmares are more of him taunting me about my inability to keep her home and in our bed. Ideally, when a PA is discovered and terminated the WS and the AP don't see each other anymore. Not in this case, she still works for him and sees him on a daily basis.

No, brother, the pain stays for quite a while. As it should, this is the most fundamental betrayal possible. It takes a long time to heal. And sometimes there are still flashbacks. Sorry the news couldn't be better...


----------



## WhyMe66

charrlie said:


> I didn't expose because she agreed to quit. I assume MC is marriage counseling and we didn't do that. We decided to talk things through and try to make it work for our son's sake.


Bad answer, get Marriage Counseling. This is one of those things that you need to be coached through.


----------



## Marduk

americansteve said:


> Thanks for that jsmart - I was beginning to think it was just me!
> I'd love to read more on this.
> Can you suggest a particular thread?


Think about it.

#1 they are taking a high risk by having the relationship. Once in it, they want to keep it going. They've paid the risk cost, and they want to keep the benefit. So they say "yes" to things with the other guy that she would say "no" to you for. Because you'll stay after hearing no, but he might not.

#2 affairs are exciting. People do things when excited that they wouldn't otherwise.

#3 during the affair, they're more attracted to the other man than they are to you. Women do things for men that they're highly attracted to that they won't for guys that they are less attracted to.

#4 since the relationship is high risk and perhaps thought of as short-term, they're open to "trying" things out with the affair partner. Because that won't mean a lifetime of anal or whatever.

#5 a new affair is like dating someone for the first time. Remember when you and your wife started dating? You probably had lots of great sex, right? It's like that. Only she's dating another guy while married to you.

There's more, but that's likely enough.


----------



## TX-SC

I don't think you can write this off simply as "She was stoking his ego." She most likely did enjoy his penis size and is sad to lose that. You can't change what you have, so you can never match him, no matter how good you are in bed. So, in that regard he not only bagged your wife, but he tainted her view of you. If my wife cheated and then made a huge deal of his penis, I'd divorce her. End of story. You'll never get over that aspect.


----------



## higgsb

> So, in that regard he not only bagged your wife, but he tainted her view of you. If my wife cheated and then made a huge deal of his penis, I'd divorce her. End of story. You'll never get over that aspect.


I think that is called a 2 x 4!


----------



## Horizon

Last week it ticked over 3 years since DDay. I have stated here before that I am now much better, stronger etc and that is true. But I haven't forgotten the date have I and the mind movies are still there. The triggers are everywhere. 

I think about what happened every day. I still want to get that f**ker even though I f**ked him over right royally with the revelations to his wife. It's never enough - it's that intoxicating. I've got some distance now, some perspective and I feel I'm on top of it - but am I really?

There was no reconciliation, there was false recon. I live in the same home as this woman because we owe a truckload to the bank - think 400 K !, and there is that little issue about teenage children.

The other thing is my age and health - I have really cleaned up my act but I have some serious but manageable health issues. All of this ads up to not having the necessary desire or drive to exit, to disrupt this thing called family as tenuous as our situation may be.

Quite frankly I am p*ssed off at myself but I am doing this for my children. 

My exWS is not capable of true remorse and still harbors fantasies about her AP - I'm sure. 

Think about this - some time back, a year or more, we tried for a recon, the second time since DDay. I went with her to her best GF's home where we caught up with a stack of people that she has known over the years. There was a bloke there who had traveled from interstate. I recognised him from their FB circle of friends - I knew his name. He had known my ex WS and her friends from way back - before he left Sydney

We got on quite well and later on he gave me a bottle of his home brewed bourbon. It was bloody good. After that we friended on FB, just for the hell of it. 

About a week later I was perusing my ex's FB page, as I had done since DDay. There was a PM from this ahole encouraging my ex to go to a website and view pictures of him. This request was after some flirty banter about how they had been attracted to each other back in the day. Then he said to her that he was taking a risk and she could unfriend him if she liked but the fact was he did not like wearing clothes!

So I'm thinking nudist site etc. I check out the site. There before me were at least 50 pics of this POS holding his manhood.

Later she replied to him - "all good, no need to de-friend"

Then I get a PM asking me "How was the bourbon"? Wow, didn't I give that scum bag a rocket. From that point he de-friended me, my ex and her whole group of friends. Good riddance to a low life POS who stood there and looked me in the face at a barbecue all the while with designs on my ex.

The point is - we were supposed to be in recon. She never said a word, not a thing. And that's because she's a lying POS who is still ready to be vacuumed up depending on the situation. 

I didn't say a word either - just silently dumped the recon right there and then. She didn't bat an eyelid because it meant nothing to her. 

The whole experience took me back months - it was a relapse. And that's the thing you will always relapse into that state to some degree; probably until you are six feet under.


----------



## VeryHurt

Just a few comments from a female:

Of course your wife is going to tell the OM he is luscious and big and all that other crap. It affair sex talk. I would not be too psycho over her comments to him.

I know exactly how you feel about being compared and it's awful. My stbx idiot actually compared our nipple sizes. Not a penis but you get the idea. 

My 30 year old engaged son is on the fence about getting married because his fiancée did stuff with some dude while they were "on a break" that she wouldn't do with him. He is seeing a shrink trying to get those images out of him curtesy of her iPhone.

Good Luck
VH


----------



## bandit.45

VeryHurt said:


> My 30 year old engaged son is on the fence about getting married because his fiancée did stuff with some dude while they were "on a break" that she wouldn't do with him. He is seeing a shrink trying to get those images out of him curtesy of her iPhone.
> 
> Good Luck
> VH


Wow. 

You need a brick to throw at him.


----------



## Truthseeker1

VeryHurt said:


> Just a few comments from a female:
> 
> Of course your wife is going to tell the OM he is luscious and big and all that other crap. It affair sex talk. I would not be too psycho over her comments to him.
> 
> I know exactly how you feel about being compared and it's awful. My stbx idiot actually compared our nipple sizes. Not a penis but you get the idea.
> 
> *My 30 year old engaged son is on the fence about getting married because his fiancée did stuff with some dude while they were "on a break" that she wouldn't do with him. He is seeing a shrink trying to get those images out of him curtesy of her iPhone.
> *
> Good Luck
> VH


Seriously your son should run..if he needs to see a shrink BEFORE the wedding she is not a good gamble...plus if she gave some other dude things she wouldnt give him - I'd be out of there...he should get out now before there are kids and more complications...


----------



## Truthseeker1

bandit.45 said:


> Wow.
> 
> You need a brick to throw at him.


Agreed..he needs to RUN not walk..run...


----------



## sparrow555

charrlie said:


> I would have went further with things had she not confessed but she came clean and was crying. It really felt like she was sorry and I had seen enough on her phone to know that I didn't want to know more. Looking back now, it was stupid for me to think that I could get over things easily because even now, the feelings of anger are just as intense if not more intense than they were when I found out.


What you did is called rugsweeping and is a general recipe for disaster.

You were so happy that your wife is not leaving you a big d!ck guy that you did not care for anything else.

That tells a few things about you and where you self esteem is. You caught your wife cheating on you and it would have gone for much longer had you not snooped and caught her. But you treat her as if she did you a great favor, choosing you over him.

Also, it wasn't twice. Twice is the number that she decided to tell you. 

And how do you she stopped cheating ? She has a lot of time at home now.


----------



## it-guy

You will realize after a while, that nothing about the other man matters. Nothing at all. Because you wife chose to cheat. She is that kind of person. If it had not been that OM, it would have been another one.

You need to decide if you are happy being with that kind of person. Because like it or not......that is who she is.


----------



## straightshooter

*You jumped right into reconciliation with no long term thought.*

You seem convinced her quitting eliminated all contact with him. I may have missed it but how are you so sure??? You did rug sweep it. you have no real facts after she quit.

As far as his **** size???

he could have a penis the size of a thimble and the affair sex was going to be more exciting than boring old hubby. You can NEVER win that game and it has nothing to do with size. 

I am 6'7" tall and 270 lbs and very little body fat and have a bigger **** that all three of my wifes ****** ******* **** buddies. Guess what. The sex was great for her, because it was naughty, illicit, and new. 

i know it is hard, but she became emotionally ready to bang him before she knew of his "size".

You were in a game it was stacked against you and you have no chance of winning. Try to look at it that way.


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## phillybeffandswiss

Go read some posts by people who have reconciled or are in early reconciliation. For me, when I read or saw specific posters invoked as proof reconciliation works, I researched their threads and this is when I became VERY jaded towards reconciliation attempts. Yes, even more so than reading these awful life altering threads. Remember, this concerns certain levels like a boundary issue and into a full on PA. I am EXTREMELY jaded towards PAs now and a little more forgiving of certain EAs.


----------



## VFW

I witnessed my ex kiss another man, that was over 30 years ago and I still have that in my head. That is not the reason we divorced, but you just don't forget those things. Some people learn to live with it, while others never do. She may be very sincere and do all the right things, but she can't make you forget. You may want to seek counseling on this matter, if it starts to overwhelm you.


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## 6301

Friend of mine got divorced after his wife cheated on him. She wasn't happy about being served with papers and my friend was the one who went to her job and handed them to her. 

She got really pissed for being embarrassed and she cut loose with her big mouth and told him "Well one thing for sure. He was really hung". My buddy just looked at her and said "He had to be to feel anything" and walked out. He told me one good turns deserves another.


----------



## Truthseeker1

6301 said:


> Friend of mine got divorced after his wife cheated on him. She wasn't happy about being served with papers and my friend was the one who went to her job and handed them to her.
> 
> She got really pissed for being embarrassed and she cut loose with her big mouth and told him "Well one thing for sure. He was really hung". *My buddy just looked at her and said "He had to be to feel anything" and walked out*. He told me one good turns deserves another.


Now that is a man who can think on his feet lol


----------



## convert

sparrow555 said:


> *What you did is called rugsweeping and is a general recipe for disaster.*
> 
> You were so happy that your wife is not leaving you a big d!ck guy that you did not care for anything else.
> 
> That tells a few things about you and where you self esteem is. You caught your wife cheating on you and it would have gone for much longer had you not snooped and caught her. But you treat her as if she did you a great favor, choosing you over him.
> 
> *Also, it wasn't twice. Twice is the number that she decided to tell you.*
> 
> And how do you she stopped cheating ? She has a lot of time at home now.


agreed


----------



## GusPolinski

6301 said:


> Friend of mine got divorced after his wife cheated on him. She wasn't happy about being served with papers and my friend was the one who went to her job and handed them to her.
> 
> She got really pissed for being embarrassed and she cut loose with her big mouth and told him "Well one thing for sure. He was really hung". *My buddy just looked at her and said "He had to be to feel anything" and walked out.* He told me one good turns deserves another.


Daaaaaaaaaamn...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878

6301 said:


> Friend of mine got divorced after his wife cheated on him. She wasn't happy about being served with papers and my friend was the one who went to her job and handed them to her.
> 
> She got really pissed for being embarrassed and she cut loose with her big mouth and told him "Well one thing for sure. He was really hung". My buddy just looked at her and said "He had to be to feel anything" and walked out. He told me one good turns deserves another.


He should have added I heard he had to strap a 2x4 around his azz to keep from fallin in.


----------



## alphaomega

Op

Don't know what to say. But keep in mind that in an affair, even if the guy had an average size d!ck, she would still be saying those things to him. It's all affair speak. 

It's a long path to travel, but you need to get to the point where you realize comparing yourself to ANYBODY else in the world is just a fools process. There will always be others out there that do sports better. Make more money. Are better looking. Etc etc etc. You just have to be comfortable with yourself and your place in the world. Some things you are really good at. Some things others are. 

Easier said than done. And I think part of the problem is that you rug swept this affair without any discussion or understanding. So your mind movies are stuck in limbo right now, thinking the absolute worst all the time, but not really getting anywhere in your head. Your stuck on the hamster wheel. Why him? What's so great about him? What was "so wrong" with me? 

Without those discussions, you'll still be circling the hamster wheel looking out for where you dropped your confidence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix

True Alpha. If you're married to a woman that going to screw the first better looking, richer, bigger pecker, etc., that comes along, you need to get rid of her and do some serious work to improve your judgement in women.


----------



## alphaomega

ThePheonix said:


> True Alpha. If you're married to a woman that going to screw the first better looking, richer, bigger pecker, etc., that comes along, you need to get rid of her and do some serious work to improve your judgement in women.


Oh man! If that's how relationships really worked is be on my 5978th divorce by now. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub

alphaomega said:


> Oh man! If that's how relationships really worked is be on my 5978th divorce by now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ouch dude! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Retribution

@charrlie,

In answer to your original question, "Does it get better?" Most of us here have asked that question. Sadly, too often the eager answer is, "Yes!" I'm afraid it's not that simple, and that the question and accompanying answer don't match. For instance, when I ask my physician, "Will I get better?" I'm really asking, "Will my body eradicate and heal from this sickness which plagues me?" The answer is either yes or no. There are some who understand the question you asked to mean, "Will things improve?" When you're told yes to that question all it means is that your current sh!t sandwich will have progressively less sh!t in it. The catch that you don't hear about, present company excepted, is that you still get to eat that progressively smaller portioned sh!t sandwich for the rest of your days.

To illustrate what I mean, I'd like to tell you what I experienced my first years of R, especially in regards to sex. I loved my exWW immensely. Making love to her was the penultimate of experiences for me emotionally. Upon learning of her extra-marital activities, I became obsessed with thoughts of what she and her POSOM did, especially when we were intimate together. It would get worse when I would consider her own private thoughts, and how they may/may not be favorable towards me. This would eat me inside, and eventually led to the demise of our marriage, despite her outwardly doing everything she should have. One of the aspects that I cherished most of my marriage had not only been taken from me, but willingly given to somebody else. I eventually realized that the only way to lessen my own sh!t sandwich was to leave my wife, and move on. I couldn't heal to a functional state with her by my side. The sad unfortunate truth is that the point of no return for our marriage was in POSOM's bedroom, likely before. I also think this is the sad unfortunate truth of most marriages in our shoes, whether they want to admit it or not.

Will your mind eradicate this plague and let you heal back to an innocent state? No. Not without some serious mental gymnastics and outright wrong thinking. Can you get to a more favorable place and heal to a point where you can function and love the way a human being is supposed to? Yes, and if you can do it with half of your marriage's executioner by your side, then more power to you, you will be the rare exception.


----------



## Rookie4

OK, Charlie, here's the deal. You definitely need to get IC about your inadequacies. This is the main thing that is holding you back. Let me explain.
Did the OM walk around the work place with his d*ck hanging out to show how big it was? Of course not. What does this mean? It means that your wife wanted to have the affair BEFORE she knew he was hung.
Same thing with the messaging. Was his first message to her a pic of his d*ck? No. I would bet that there were lots of messages before he showed her his d*ck. What does this mean? It means that she was primed to cheat, a long time BEFORE she was aware of his d*ck size. She was a cheater looking for a place to cheat. His being well hung was simply an accident, it wasn't the reason she cheated. She didn't go out and measure guys , just to cheat with a big c*ck. The size ot the OM's wang is much more important to you, than it is to your wife. What is important to your wife, is the selfish excitement of the affair.
Why on earth, would you want to be with such a woman?


----------



## weltschmerz

@charrlie,

While the wise ones offer advice on how to overcome your mental anguish, here's to hoping the other man's **** falls off into the toilet.


----------



## jsmart

Rookie4 said:


> OK, Charlie, here's the deal. You definitely need to get IC about your inadequacies. This is the main thing that is holding you back. Let me explain.
> Did the OM walk around the work place with his d*ck hanging out to show how big it was? Of course not. What does this mean? It means that your wife wanted to have the affair BEFORE she knew he was hung.
> Same thing with the messaging. Was his first message to her a pic of his d*ck? No. I would bet that there were lots of messages before he showed her his d*ck. What does this mean? It means that *she was primed to cheat*, a long time BEFORE she was aware of his d*ck size. She was a cheater looking for a place to cheat. His being well hung was simply an accident, it wasn't the reason she cheated. She didn't go out and measure guys , just to cheat with a big c*ck. The size ot the OM's wang is much more important to you, than it is to your wife. *What is important to your wife, is the selfish excitement of the affair.*
> Why on earth, would you want to be with such a woman?


I agree. Doing R after a wife has a sexual PA is too hard and most times not worth the heart ache. Too many times everything has to be rug swept in order to keep the family intact. Her actions get rewarded with the status of being a SAHM. Meanwhile BH gets mind movies and luke warm sex life and having to suppress his feelings. 

The better option would be that he d and find a good woman to start a new family with. Let her feel the shame of being a divorcee with kids, explaining away how she got into that situation to the "quality" men she'd be trolling on Match or Tinder.


----------



## wmn1

jsmart said:


> @americansteve it is VERY common for WWs to perform wanton acts for their POS that they refuse their husbands. POS gets BJTC, and anal, husband gets told that's disgusting, I don't do things like that. Read the threads.
> 
> That's why R after a sexual PA is crazy. These WWs fantasize about and pine away for their POS for years


agreed. Very well put, Jsmart. That's why I couldn't R after a PA


----------



## wmn1

Charlie left the battlefield here


----------



## Steve1000

Retribution said:


> @charrlie,
> 
> This would eat me inside, and eventually led to the demise of our marriage, despite her outwardly doing everything she should have.


A successful reconciliation can sometimes lead to a pleasant marriage, where life is not bad, but the high price to pay becomes more apparent after a few years. Those daily reminders prevent it from ever being great again.


----------



## ThePheonix

alphaomega said:


> Oh man! If that's how relationships really worked is be on my 5978th divorce by now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Look at it like this, thats 5978 women you've would have had. Sharing that number may have been a relief and you could view it as breaking them in for the OM.


----------



## farsidejunky

ThePheonix said:


> Look at it like this, thats 5978 women you've would have had. Sharing that number may have been a relief and you could view it as breaking them in for the OM.


And statistically speaking, 290 rounds of antibiotics for getting rid of STD's...



Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## charrlie

sparrow555 said:


> What you did is called rugsweeping and is a general recipe for disaster.
> 
> You were so happy that your wife is not leaving you a big d!ck guy that you did not care for anything else.
> 
> That tells a few things about you and where you self esteem is. You caught your wife cheating on you and it would have gone for much longer had you not snooped and caught her. But you treat her as if she did you a great favor, choosing you over him.
> 
> Also, it wasn't twice. Twice is the number that she decided to tell you.
> 
> And how do you she stopped cheating ? She has a lot of time at home now.


It seemed like a good idea at the time. I mean she promised to quit her job and cut contact with him. What more could I ask for? After reading more and more here, I realized that I had not addressed the problem but I didn't know all of this before. It looks like addressing the problem is the key for me to move forward with my life


----------



## Marc878

charrlie said:


> It seemed like a good idea at the time. I mean she promised to quit her job and cut contact with him. What more could I ask for? After reading more and more here, I realized that I had not addressed the problem but I didn't know all of this before. It looks like addressing the problem is the key for me to move forward with my life


She controlled the whole situation and had no consequences which means she probably took it as he's ok with it since I handled it.

It seems you set back and did nothing???? Now you get the consequences.

I get it. It's shocking, embarrassing, etc. having never had to deal with this you didn't know what to do.


----------



## happyman64

Get the professional help you need Charlie.

You deserve to be happy.

And take it from a "normal" size guy.

Size has nothing to do with orgasms. It is all in everyone's heads.

Especially your wife's head.


And I'm glad she had "fun" at your expense. Have you had any fun at her expense. I don't mean cheating but I do mean consequences.....

Did you at least expose the affair to her family or yours???

It is a consequence Charlie. Not revenge.

Just remember you deserve to be happy. And healthy. Did she get tested for std's????

Again, this is a consequence, not revenge.

HM


----------



## Steve1000

charrlie said:


> I realized that I had not addressed the problem but I didn't know all of this before.


Unfortunately, almost no one has this knowledge when they needed it the most. You've done a lot of things wrong, but most of us did too and wish we could go back and handle it differently.


----------



## CantBelieveThis

wmn1 said:


> agreed. Very well put, Jsmart. That's why I couldn't R after a PA


Not always like that, my W did less with AP than with me, by far. (I read their texts, not going by her word alone here). 
And unless u have been thru a PA there is really no point in saying people that R after a PA are crazy...u haven't been there to know that.


----------



## SunCMars

weltschmerz said:


> @charrlie,
> 
> 
> While the wise ones offer advice on how to overcome your mental anguish, here's to hoping the other man's **** falls off into the toilet.


____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 


@weltschmerz quote:



Yes, there may a be rubber morsel of truth in that statement.

A glued-on extension of the real thing that de-adhesives when hot pee-pee has no proper exit plan. And yes, the toilet becomes the "scene of the crying".


----------



## ThePheonix

charrlie said:


> I realized that I had not addressed the problem but I didn't know all of this before.


Charrlie my man, I've known a lot of women in my time and seen the difference between what you think they are communicating and what they are really saying. Judging strictly from your information describing her reaction, I don't the cowboy with the big pecker has been the only other cowboy in the saddle.


----------



## jsmart

charrlie said:


> It seemed like a good idea at the time. I mean she promised to quit her job and cut contact with him. What more could I ask for? After reading more and more here, I realized that I had not addressed the problem but I didn't know all of this before. It looks like addressing the problem is the key for me to move forward with my life


We get it. You were in shock and afraid of your kids growing up in a broken home. Really empathize with that. But now that you've found TAM, and do a lot of research, you can see through other BHs that this $hit doesn't go away quickly. Many struggle for years. Yours is compounded by the fact that you saw what penetrated her. I'm sure the mind movies of her performing on him are killing you.

Most will disagree with me but a revenge affair or a MONTHS long hall pass could help in your case. It could help you get your MoJo back. Even the scales.


----------



## sparrow555

charrlie said:


> It seemed like a good idea at the time. I mean she promised to quit her job and cut contact with him. What more could I ask for? After reading more and more here, I realized that I had not addressed the problem but I didn't know all of this before. It looks like addressing the problem is the key for me to move forward with my life


There are guys who come on this forum 10 or 20 years after the event, regretting about the life that they wasted.


----------



## G.J.

RiverRat comes to mind


----------



## Threeblessings

So sorry you are going through this. I am the wife of an ex-husband and he did this to me twice that I have proof of. It hurts like hell and unlike your wife my ex-husband would not disclose any details other than they slept together a few times. I was devastated! And for about 2 years (as long as that) I had images in my head. I don't think it ever really goes away . I haven't read all the replies but have you both sought counselling for what happened?


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## alphaomega

There's nothing wrong with forgiveness and reconciliation, Charlie. If that's what you want. Some marriages become stronger, ironically, but some find they just can't forgive and divorce. There's no right answer. 

But you are broken and you need to fix yourself. Whether that means MC or IC, or separation and divorce, you need to figure a way to get your mojo back. Only you will know the answer you need. 

But do your reading and research. Keep an objective mind when you feel you can. In time, you'll figure it out. It's not necessarily a race to the finish.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maxo

straightshooter said:


> *You jumped right into reconciliation with no long term thought.*
> 
> You seem convinced her quitting eliminated all contact with him. I may have missed it but how are you so sure??? You did rug sweep it. you have no real facts after she quit.
> 
> As far as his **** size???
> 
> he could have a penis the size of a thimble and the affair sex was going to be more exciting than boring old hubby. You can NEVER win that game and it has nothing to do with size.
> 
> I am 6'7" tall and 270 lbs and very little body fat and have a bigger **** that all three of my wifes ****** ******* **** buddies. Guess what. The sex was great for her, because it was naughty, illicit, and new.
> 
> i know it is hard, but she became emotionally ready to bang him before she knew of his "size".
> 
> You were in a game it was stacked against you and you have no chance of winning. Try to look at it that way.


Damn! How far can you hit a golf ball?


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

sparrow555 said:


> There are guys who come on this forum 10 or 20 years after the event, regretting about the life that they wasted.


Exactly. That's why I say read posts by the betrayed and betrayers, not just threads, who are in reconciliation or have a successfully reconciled.. Then you'll know if it is something you can stomach. The ones which hit home for me are from MattMatt, LosinhHIm, EI, ManfromLamancha, nursejackie(?) and the recent last one from drifting on. Respect them all, but there are some MAJOR contradictions in some their most honest posts *IMO.*

Nope, not saying any of them are lying or making this a call out post. They just showcase how hard reconciliation can be and some posts show the pain lessens, but it NEVER goes away.


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## Wazza

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Exactly. That's why I say read posts by the betrayed and betrayers, not just threads, who are in reconciliation or have a successfully reconciled.. Then you'll know if it is something you can stomach. The ones which hit home for me are from MattMatt, LosinhHIm, EI, ManfromLamancha, nursejackie(?) and the recent last one from drifting on. Respect them all, but there are some MAJOR contradictions in some their most honest posts *IMO.*
> 
> Nope, not saying any of them are lying or making this a call out post. They just showcase how hard reconciliation can be and some posts show the pain lessens, but it NEVER goes away.


While I think you are right, to an extent, I think that says more about the complexity of things. It's not so much contradictions, as living with competing desires and priorities.

Decades out from my only brush with this, and I can honestly say that the affair, per se, no longer bothers me. I mean, sometimes I remember it, and the pain it caused, but I have put it into perspective, and dealt with it. I imagine that's a similar thing to the way someone who divorces processes and deals with the divorce. The underlying issues in the relationship that left it vulnerable to infidelity are another matter. They remain a work in progress, and probably always will be. No relationship is perfect.

You have to ask yourself why you are married (and for me there are many reasons, not just love). And you have to decide your personal walk away point.


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## ArmyofJuan

NEVER think you are competing with OMs over anything or give your W the impression that you are intimidated by the OM, they are ALWAYS beneath you as they are the ones low enough to fool around with married women. Attempting to compete or compare yourself to an OM gives the OM credibility which the WS uses to justify the A to themselves. Always consider the OM a POS and that your W basically went "slumming" to be with him. 

Like the others said, the size of his peen is irrelevant and you are focusing on the wrong thing. You need to find out why it happened and what can be done to fix that so it doesn't happen again. You also have to ask yourself if R is really the best thing for you. You are the one that has to live with yourself knowing you desperately took back a cheater. You won't always feel desperate and insecure.


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## phillybeffandswiss

Wazza said:


> While I think you are right, to an extent, I think that says more about the complexity of things. It not so much contradictions, as living with competing desires and priorities.


Contradiction is complexity so, there is no extent. You just said the same thing as I, but worded it from a reconciliation perspective.


> You have to ask yourself why you are married (and for me there are any reasons, not just love). *And you have to decide your personal walk away point*.





> Exactly. That's why I say read posts by the betrayed and betrayers, not just threads, who are in reconciliation or have a successfully reconciled.. *Then you'll know if it is something you can stomach.*


Yeah, don't know why contradiction bothered you so much, but it's cool. Yes, you'd have been on the list as well, but your posting dropped for awhile and you aren't forefront in my mind. Yes, I've seen some contradictions in your posts as well. Life is complex and contradictions occur all of the time.


----------



## Wazza

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Contradiction is complexity so, there is no extent. You just said the same thing as I, but worded it from a reconciliation perspective.
> 
> Yeah, don't know why contradiction bothered you so much, but it's cool. Yes, you'd have been on the list as well, but your posting dropped for awhile and you aren't forefront in my mind. Yes, I've seen some contradictions in your posts as well. Life is complex and contradictions occur all of the time.


Contradiction has connotations of being illogical or self deceptive to me. That's why the word matters. There is a difference between living with imperfection vs deluding yourself.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Wazza said:


> Contradiction has connotations of being illogical or self deceptive to me. That's why the word matters. There is a difference between living with imperfection vs deluding yourself.


You see illogical delusions I see a connotation of opposing streams of consciousness. There is a difference between living with a "contradictions" vs. "deluding yourself."

I can name an example, just as serious, but this derail has gone on long enough. We basically agree, but you don't like my word choice, which can be argued about almost any touchy subject on TAM.

It's all good.


----------



## alphaomega

I delude myself every day thinking I have no imperfections. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tech-novelist

americansteve said:


> Do you mind if I ask - did you wife ever perform oral sex on you? I also discovered really graphic texts and oral sex was a central theme. She had always refused me that favor so it just really killed me and it still does - like why would she do that for him and not for me? Also using condoms - she always insisted on after our second child was born but she routinely had unprotected sex with him. I'm just always wondering how common it is for WS to do things with their AP they would never do with spouses.


It is almost universal that WW do things with their AP that they don't do with their spouses. This is often one of the hardest things for the BS to accept...


----------



## alphaomega

ArmyofJuan said:


> NEVER think you are competing with OMs over anything or give your W the impression that you are intimidated by the OM, they are ALWAYS beneath you as they are the ones low enough to fool around with married women. Attempting to compete or compare yourself to an OM gives the OM credibility which the WS uses to justify the A to themselves. Always consider the OM a POS and that your W basically went "slumming" to be with him.
> 
> Like the others said, the size of his peen is irrelevant and you are focusing on the wrong thing. You need to find out why it happened and what can be done to fix that so it doesn't happen again. You also have to ask yourself if R is really the best thing for you. You are the one that has to live with yourself knowing you desperately took back a cheater. You won't always feel desperate and insecure.


This. 

Btw. Army.... Your avatar is like HypnoFrog from Futureama and I can't stop staring at it.........
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jsmart

tech-novelist said:


> *It is almost universal that WW do things with their AP that they don't do with their spouses.* This is often one of the hardest things for the BS to accept...


That's why a sexual PA, should be instant filing D. OP's WW was obviously doing some serious phallic worshiping. To know that she wouldn't give her husband and father of her kids a BJ but probably gave this guy countless BJTC, I could never kiss her. To make her husband wear a condom while this guy is splashing her uterus and probably her colon. No freaking way I would R. Straight to filing D.


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## wmn1

ArmyofJuan said:


> NEVER think you are competing with OMs over anything or give your W the impression that you are intimidated by the OM, they are ALWAYS beneath you as they are the ones low enough to fool around with married women. Attempting to compete or compare yourself to an OM gives the OM credibility which the WS uses to justify the A to themselves. Always consider the OM a POS and that your W basically went "slumming" to be with him.
> 
> Like the others said, the size of his peen is irrelevant and you are focusing on the wrong thing. You need to find out why it happened and what can be done to fix that so it doesn't happen again. You also have to ask yourself if R is really the best thing for you. You are the one that has to live with yourself knowing you desperately took back a cheater. You won't always feel desperate and insecure.


this is excellent and so true !!!!


----------



## wmn1

jsmart said:


> That's why a sexual PA, should be instant filing D. OP's WW was obviously doing some serious phallic worshiping. To know that she wouldn't give her husband and father of her kids a BJ but probably gave this guy countless BJTC, I could never kiss her. To make her husband wear a condom while this guy is splashing her uterus and probably her colon. No freaking way I would R. Straight to filing D.



yep. I agree. A PA is something I couldn't and wouldn't get over. That's for sure


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

JMHO, but D. Life is too short to have to put up with such stupid bullsh!t like this. As much as guys like to think that they can get beyond a wife clock worshiping another man's tool, I know myself that I could not. Maybe I'm petty like that, but the flip side is you shouldn't have to compete with another man for your wife's affection. If I was in your shoes and my wife had an affair - and worshiped the guy's tool on top of it - I would take that as she threw me away to pursue another. All bets are off. It's done. FINI. Time to move on with my life's work.


----------



## BetrayedDad

charrlie said:


> I need some sort of help or advice. Does it ever get better and how can I get this guy out of my head?


Not till you dump her. She broke you. You're now a broken man and this will haunt you forever. You will never heal staying in this relationship. Everyday, looking at her face will remind you of how she threw your relationship in the trash for some big d!ck. So throw HER in the trash and find good woman. Is this what you want? For a hot dog to remind you of you wife giving oral sex? Why are you putting your self threw this hell? Because you love her?!? She didn't love you enough not to cheat on you. What makes you think she does now? First times always the most difficult. The cheating only gets easier from here. You're in a fog. Don't let your brain fool you into thinking this is the only woman for you. There are PLENTY of fish in the sea and you will love someone else just as much or more so.


----------



## Rookie4

Another couple of points, Charlie. People tend to over think cheating. They go off the deep end about spying on the WS, during the affair, regulating the WS's behavior, after the affair, and second guessing themselves, throughout. Contrary to popular belief, it isn't that complicated. Every marriage comes with a built-in set of boundaries... the Wedding Vows. If you break the vows, then the other person gets to decide if the marriage is worth the fixing. In your case, given your insecurities, I would advise that you divorce. You are up against three serious obstacles. 1. Your insecurity about your size. 2. Your wife's lack of character (in that she feels that cheating is a viable course of action, and that his size is important) 3. How do you repair a marriage with the other two issues as constant reminders?
Think about how this is going to play out in 5, 10 years from now.....do you see either of these issues changing?


----------



## jsmart

I agree. This will not go away. And not because of his size. Even if he was smaller than OP you will still have the mind movies. You read her sext that revealed what she did for him but hasn't for you. 

That is beyond something that you should be expected to forgive, let alone reward with making her a SAHM. Rid yourself of this torment. File D. 

One day you will be able to explain to your son why it had to end. Thereby teaching him to NEVER accept that type of disrespect or ever date a former adulterous woman. For now just work on coparenting. Tell her to get a job because her days of the good life are over.


----------



## WasDecimated

BetrayedDad said:


> Not till you dump her. She broke you. You're now a broken man and this will haunt you forever. You will never heal staying in this relationship. Everyday, looking at her face will remind you of how she threw your relationship in the trash for some big d!ck. So throw HER in the trash and find good woman. Is this what you want? For a hot dog to remind you of you wife giving oral sex? Why are you putting your self threw this hell? Because you love her?!? She didn't love you enough not to cheat on you. What makes you think she does now? First times always the most difficult. The cheating only gets easier from here. You're in a fog. Don't let your brain fool you into thinking this is the only woman for you. There are PLENTY of fish in the sea and you will love someone else just as much or more so.


True this ^^^ 

From D day to when I actually filed for D was one year...foot dragging by me. From the time I filed to when the divorce was final was another year...foot dragging by her. That’s two years of hell. I wasn’t healing one bit because every time I looked at her I was reminded of what she had done, and she wasn’t doing much to change that. It was the constant mind movies, continued dishonesty, and not knowing the whole truth that drove me crazy. Does anyone ever get all the truth/details? I think not. I only started to heal after I kicked her a$$ out after the divorce was final. 

Charrlie, this is your reality.

If you choose to stay with her you will never trust her again…there will always be doubts. You will never be able to look at her the same. The innocence of your marriage is gone, never to return. Now that you know what she is capable of, every time she leaves the house you will be wondering where she really is and who she’s really with. Every time she does or says something strange, you will read something into it. Every time she doesn’t answer her cell phone, you will trigger. Are you willing to check up on her and verify what she says and does for the rest of your life? Charrlie, this will drive you nuts and it will also drive her nuts and eventually she will leave or cheat again. I’ve read that it takes anywhere from 2 to 5 years to R. I do not believe that is true. I don’t think you will ever get over something like this and if you do, you will be eating $hit sandwiches for many, many years only to realize a fractured existence. Do you really want to drag this out, at the expense of your emotional, physical, financial well-being, just to have it end anyway? The relationship you had is gone forever. She killed it. Marriage is hard enough to make work without betrayal…nearly impossible with it.

I honestly haven’t heard of many marriages that survive infidelity and reconcile when the wife is the one who cheats. Maybe It’s a biology/pride thing...it was partly for me. My advice is for you to file for divorce. In my book, cheating = divorce. Those are the consequences for her cheating. If she is truly remorseful, she can earn you back, putting you in the power position. If she chooses not to do the work, than you are ahead of the game, and it wouldn’t have worked out anyway. 

One last note. I came here in 2011 seeking advice when I was in very similar situation as you. What I have written above to you is essentially the advice I got. I wish I would have followed that advice and got out instead of torturing myself with indecision and the emotional hell, only to regret it. 

Good luck Charrlie


----------



## Herschel

On a side note, this thread has one of those titles that always means something than what I originally think it means when I read it.


----------



## wmn1

Decimated said:


> True this ^^^
> 
> From D day to when I actually filed for D was one year...foot dragging by me. From the time I filed to when the divorce was final was another year...foot dragging by her. That’s two years of hell. I wasn’t healing one bit because every time I looked at her I was reminded of what she had done, and she wasn’t doing much to change that. It was the constant mind movies, continued dishonesty, and not knowing the whole truth that drove me crazy. Does anyone ever get all the truth/details? I think not. I only started to heal after I kicked her a$$ out after the divorce was final.
> 
> Charrlie, this is your reality.
> 
> If you choose to stay with her you will never trust her again…there will always be doubts. You will never be able to look at her the same. The innocence of your marriage is gone, never to return. Now that you know what she is capable of, every time she leaves the house you will be wondering where she really is and who she’s really with. Every time she does or says something strange, you will read something into it. Every time she doesn’t answer her cell phone, you will trigger. Are you willing to check up on her and verify what she says and does for the rest of your life? Charrlie, this will drive you nuts and it will also drive her nuts and eventually she will leave or cheat again. I’ve read that it takes anywhere from 2 to 5 years to R. I do not believe that is true. I don’t think you will ever get over something like this and if you do, you will be eating $hit sandwiches for many, many years only to realize a fractured existence. Do you really want to drag this out, at the expense of your emotional, physical, financial well-being, just to have it end anyway? The relationship you had is gone forever. She killed it. Marriage is hard enough to make work without betrayal…nearly impossible with it.
> 
> I honestly haven’t heard of many marriages that survive infidelity and reconcile when the wife is the one who cheats. Maybe It’s a biology/pride thing...it was partly for me. My advice is for you to file for divorce. In my book, cheating = divorce. Those are the consequences for her cheating. If she is truly remorseful, she can earn you back, putting you in the power position. If she chooses not to do the work, than you are ahead of the game, and it wouldn’t have worked out anyway.
> 
> One last note. I came here in 2011 seeking advice when I was in very similar situation as you. What I have written above to you is essentially the advice I got. I wish I would have followed that advice and got out instead of torturing myself with indecision and the emotional hell, only to regret it.
> 
> Good luck Charrlie


best post of the thread right here. Tons of value in what Decimated writes. Please learn from him


----------



## Retribution

Rookie4 said:


> Another couple of points, Charlie. People tend to over think cheating. They go off the deep end about spying on the WS, during the affair, regulating the WS's behavior, after the affair, and second guessing themselves, throughout. Contrary to popular belief, it isn't that complicated. Every marriage comes with a built-in set of boundaries... the Wedding Vows. If you break the vows, then the other person gets to decide if the marriage is worth the fixing. In your case, given your insecurities, I would advise that you divorce. You are up against three serious obstacles. 1. Your insecurity about your size. 2. Your wife's lack of character (in that she feels that cheating is a viable course of action, and that his size is important) 3. How do you repair a marriage with the other two issues as constant reminders?
> *Think about how this is going to play out in 5, 10 years from now*.....do you see either of these issues changing?


Great advice. I would like to emphasize the bolded. I've read countless stories that end with the BS in an "R" marriage still feeling pain until their partner finally dies, or some tragedy happens that finally wakes them up to what they've been through. The pain may lessen ,but it never goes away, especially with WS right by your side.

We've all heard the adage, once a cheater, always a cheater. That can mean two things. Either they will always continue their behavior, and it's true that once done it's easier to do again; or once they cheat, you can't unring that bell. In my case it was the second. My wife went from the woman who lifted me up in one of my darkest moments, and became the woman who left it all to be another man's porn fantasy. That's who I started to see when we would be at Disneyland with the kids, or when I'd look across the table on a date, or when I'd look into her eyes when we were intimate. I wasn't hating her or wishing her to pay for her actions, I was enjoying something I should reasonably enjoy just to have that feeling ripped away by the feeling that this is all built on a now corrupted foundation. This would get exponentially worse when I'd consider her real and private thoughts on what she remembered about the POSOM in these moments. Those thoughts were just a what if, and they killed me inside. These are some common examples of what you have to look forward to in "R". I firmly believe that hell is something like this. In the midst of all of this pain she went back to the loving caring wife I remembered from before, and she felt like an imposter. Some doppelgänger there to mock what used to be. R requires a commitment to pain as much as it does the love you have for your wife.


----------



## badmemory

charrlie said:


> Does it ever get better and how can I get this guy out of my head?


Yes, it can and should get better unless you're in a false R. Part of staying away from a false R and the regret, is to test your wife's remorse to the fullest extent. By not exposing her and the AP, you haven't done that - whether she quit her job or not.

I don't know if I can tell you that you'll ever get the OM out of your mind. I can tell you it's been 4 and a half years since my wife's A and I'm finally to the point where I don't think about him and busting his @ss "every" night when I'm in bed. But I still think about him multiple times a week and despise him as much today as I did when I found out. Not so much them having sex together. Granted he was a particularly low life POS. (Long story). 

But I can only imagine how much worse I'd feel if I hadn't exposed him to his wife; and honestly, I don't know how you can sleep at night knowing that you didn't expose either one of them.


----------



## jsmart

Wow @Retribution and @Decimated . Very power post. Taking a WW back does a number on the man for many if not most of his life. I know many men try to R because they think about their kids growing up in a broken home. But there is also damage to the kids growing up with a broken dad. So many times you see the man become a shell of his former self. 

As for the WW, many times they actually think they're martyrs for trying to R. Giving their husbands affection-less duty sex. That further breaks the man down. But the worst part is that these women continue to pine away for YEARS for a guy that couldn't give 2 sh!ts about them. Look at the threads on Loveshack's OW section. Don't bother joining that very pro infidelity site, just read how these women start so many threads asking the same BS. They struggle and are dying to run to their POS's bed or many cases his back seat. The sad part is majority of these women are mothers

Bottom line, trying to R after a sexual PA is the road to possibly lifetime of torment.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

badmemory said:


> Yes, it can and should get better unless you're in a false R. Part of staying away from a false R and the regret, is to test your wife's remorse to the fullest extent. By not exposing her and the AP, you haven't done that - whether she quit her job or not.
> 
> I don't know if I can tell you that you'll ever get the OM out of your mind. I can tell you it's been 4 and a half years since my wife's A and I'm finally to the point where I don't think about him and busting his @ss "every" night when I'm in bed. But I still think about him multiple times a week and despise him as much today as I did when I found out. Not so much them having sex together. Granted he was a particularly low life POS. (Long story).
> 
> But I can only imagine how much worse I'd feel if I hadn't exposed him to his wife; and honestly, I don't know how you can sleep at night knowing that you didn't expose either one of them.


See and this is why reconciliation is so divisive. Almost 5 years out and he still occupies your head space "multiple times a week." Until you found out, he wasn't there at all. You say better, I'd argue use of the word "diminish" or "lessen." Thanks for sharing, this is why I said read posts about others in reconciliation instead of threads. Most threads deal with the ongoing turmoil, he needs to read posts about reconciliation the positives, the negatives and the contradicitions.


----------



## BetrayedDad

phillybeffandswiss said:


> See and this is why reconciliation is so divisive.


That is an example of why it's for the birds. A physical affair should be a deal breaker for everyone. It was for me.

Takes a special kind of man to be able to shallow a sh!t sandwich like that and be okay with it. For most the mental imagery never ends.

Knowing another dude was busting his nut in your wife AND enjoying the fact YOU didn't know about it. Let's not kid ourselves.

That's part of the appeal. It's an ego boost for him. Ruining your life at the expense of his enjoyment and the wife eagerly aiding him.

I know EA's are bad but words are nothing without action behind them. With SO many other women in the world, why stay?!?

I felt SO much better after I dumped my cheating wife. I don't have to wake up in the morning next to some cheating POS. 

I wake up to my beautiful gf who adores me and who hasn't stabbed me in the back. That's better than ANY reconciliation imo.


----------



## jsmart

@betrayeddad this description of not having to wake up next to a cheating wh0re sounds so empowering. Imagine sleeping with the woman that was supposed to have your back but instead stabbed you in it . 

Allowing herself to be used like a free prostitute for another man is treason to the family. Would a country or a company give a traitor a chance? Nope. Would be executed for treason or jailed or fired for espionage. But a man is supposed to take a much worse betrayal and redeem her. Hell no.


----------



## BetrayedDad

It's the most heinous part. Witnessing the person who you were supposed to trust MORE THAN ANYONE (they took an oath) just sell you out. 

30 pieces of silver or some strange d!ck. I don't see the difference. Cheating doesn't get the vilification or retribution in today's society it deserves.


----------



## higgsb

> 30 pieces of silver or some strange d!ck. I don't see the difference. Cheating doesn't get the vilification or retribution in today's society it deserves.


That's for sure! It's crazy - in most States you can't even mention it during a divorce proceeding. I understand that it should have no effect on child support but it should effect spousal support and distribution of assets. You even have to be careful telling people. Like if I setup a blog and publicized the texts between my wife and her POSOM, I could could be sued by her POSOM or my wife or arrested for contempt if a judge told me to take it down and I refused.

I talked to this one lawyer and I mentioned that I was sending out scatter-shot emails with the texts I discovered and trashing my wife and her POSOM and he became indignant. He said "that's the mother of your children!" 

Adultery has become so accepted in America it's a disgrace.


----------



## Be smart

americansteve said:


> That's for sure! It's crazy - in most States you can't even mention it during a divorce proceeding. I understand that it should have no effect on child support but it should effect spousal support and distribution of assets. You even have to be careful telling people. Like if I setup a blog and publicized the texts between my wife and her POSOM, I could could be sued by her POSOM or my wife or arrested for contempt if a judge told me to take it down and I refused.
> 
> I talked to this one lawyer and I mentioned that I was sending out scatter-shot emails with the texts I discovered and trashing my wife and her POSOM and he became indignant. He said "that's the mother of your children!"
> 
> Adultery has become so accepted in America it's a disgrace.


Not only in America my friend. It is everywhere you look. People dont respect each other any more. Just go back 30 years or so and see how our grandparents treated each other and see some couple on the street.


----------



## Rookie4

badmemory said:


> Yes, it can and should get better unless you're in a false R. Part of staying away from a false R and the regret, is to test your wife's remorse to the fullest extent. By not exposing her and the AP, you haven't done that - whether she quit her job or not.
> 
> I don't know if I can tell you that you'll ever get the OM out of your mind. I can tell you it's been 4 and a half years since my wife's A and I'm finally to the point where I don't think about him and busting his @ss "every" night when I'm in bed. But I still think about him multiple times a week and despise him as much today as I did when I found out. Not so much them having sex together. Granted he was a particularly low life POS. (Long story).
> 
> But I can only imagine how much worse I'd feel if I hadn't exposed him to his wife; and honestly, I don't know how you can sleep at night knowing that you didn't expose either one of them.


This, charlie , is the main reason I almost always advise divorce. Why, Badmemory, are you so obsessed by a perfect stranger? The OM owed you nothing, it was your wife who did this to you....and nobody else. Why don't you feel that way about her? You see, Charlie, the person who you have to be concerned about the most...is yourself. Mr' Big **** would never have been an issue, if your wife had not made him one. But now he is, and he will not go away. And the only way it will get better, is to start rebuilding yourself. And rebuilding yourself will be a whole lot easier if you divorce.


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## workindad

It got better for me when I accepted that my marriage was over and moved on from my XWW and that POSOM was afraid to be around me... can't even look me in the eye.


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## Rookie4

The main reason why so many BS's have issues months and years after an affair, is that they put the main blame on the wrong person. You can read pages and pages of anger directed at the OP, much more than at the WS, who is the only one who is an actual cheater.. This, to me, is stupid.


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## Rookie4

I am starting another thread about the issue of comparative blame for the OP and the WS, so as not to T/J Charlie's thread. Good Luck, Charlie, I wish you well.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Have you tried EMDR?


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## wmn1

BetrayedDad said:


> That is an example of why it's for the birds. A physical affair should be a deal breaker for everyone. It was for me.
> 
> Takes a special kind of man to be able to shallow a sh!t sandwich like that and be okay with it. For most the mental imagery never ends.
> 
> Knowing another dude was busting his nut in your wife AND enjoying the fact YOU didn't know about it. Let's not kid ourselves.
> 
> That's part of the appeal. It's an ego boost for him. Ruining your life at the expense of his enjoyment and the wife eagerly aiding him.
> 
> I know EA's are bad but words are nothing without action behind them. With SO many other women in the world, why stay?!?
> 
> I felt SO much better after I dumped my cheating wife. I don't have to wake up in the morning next to some cheating POS.
> 
> I wake up to my beautiful gf who adores me and who hasn't stabbed me in the back. That's better than ANY reconciliation imo.



Amen !!!!!!!!!


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## badmemory

Rookie4 said:


> Why, Badmemory, are you so obsessed by a perfect stranger? The OM owed you nothing, it was your wife who did this to you....and nobody else.


First, he was not a stranger. I knew him and I trusted him.

Second, I would challenge anyone to read 3,700 messages from an OM to your wife; with a good number of them insulting you, calling you names, and bragging about his sexual conquest - and not take it personally. To include this gem:

*“Its a shame but this is purely egotistical but I take pride and get satisfaction knowing I have his woman. And she will do anything for me sexually. Anything anytime anywhere. Take that *******! One day I want to tell him how much I've been enjoying you in bed.”*

This POS *made* it personal - on an all new level. I don't feel the need to apologize for hating him or wishing him harm.


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## rzmpf

badmemory said:


> First, he was not a stranger. I knew him and I trusted him.
> 
> Second, I would challenge anyone to read 3,700 messages from an OM to your wife; with a good number of them insulting you, calling you names, and bragging about his sexual conquest - and not take it personally. This POS *made* it personal - on an all new level.


And she went along with it so why keep her (and through her him) around?


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## badmemory

rzmpf said:


> And she went along with it so why keep her (and through her him) around?


Because it was my choice to make and the one I made.


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## bandit.45

Cheer up Charrlie....


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## jsmart

Not even a golden ticket will cheer up Charlie bucket. Nothing short of a new beginning will do. The pain from these brutal betrayals can't be suppressed. It will be with you for the rest of your life. If you have a truly remorseful WW willing to do the hard work to reassure you and make you feel safe it can help but the mind movies don't go away. Yes, they lessen over the years but even decades later, they're still there. 

Most BHs that experience the worst betrayals and are trying to R don't seem to have truly remorseful wives. It's almost a resigned existence, lacking in affectionate love. Those going through such an R, should cut their lost' and start anew.


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## rzmpf

badmemory said:


> Because it was my choice to make and the one I made.


I did not doubt that it was your decision, I asked why you keep her along. I guess the word "still" was missing. 

p.S.

Mixed up Badmemory and OP.


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## CantBelieveThis

BetrayedDad said:


> That is an example of why it's for the birds. A physical affair should be a deal breaker for everyone. It was for me.
> 
> Takes a special kind of man to be able to shallow a sh!t sandwich like that and be okay with it. For most the mental imagery never ends.
> 
> Knowing another dude was busting his nut in your wife AND enjoying the fact YOU didn't know about it. Let's not kid ourselves.
> 
> That's part of the appeal. It's an ego boost for him. Ruining your life at the expense of his enjoyment and the wife eagerly aiding him.
> 
> I know EA's are bad but words are nothing without action behind them. With SO many other women in the world, why stay?!?
> 
> I felt SO much better after I dumped my cheating wife. I don't have to wake up in the morning next to some cheating POS.
> 
> I wake up to my beautiful gf who adores me and who hasn't stabbed me in the back. That's better than ANY reconciliation imo.


Not that simple for others, I was one of those that a PA would been a deal breaker, but when u take a look at the big picture and realize all that's at stake (kids, their livelihood, finances, housing, logistics, etc,,) it can be a real nightmare. Nothing new around here on that, plenty of us in that situation.
Yes I hate that my wife had a PA, but honestly the whole sex thing wasn't as hard to overcome for me, 2 yrs out and I haven't had mind movies for a very long time, thou they were never that bad really, and based on reading their texts (not taking her word for it) the OM was impotent and lousy, so things never really worked right for them. I never cared about OM or blamed it on him, honestly he was a loser, a nobody. 
I think we give too much power to the sexual stuff, wherein the real issue is the absolute betrayal of the marriage. If I were to end it it would be because of that, not the actual sex act itself. But for example, if they had sex on marital bed that level of betrayal is very high, and again irregardless of the quality/quantity of sex acts themselves. Would I have been able to overcome that? I do not know, prbly not, not unless we moved out of such house totally. 

Just wanted throw my 2 cents, I have seen a lot of posts around here lately of people claiming a PA would be a deal breaker, and many not even experienced it. I mean did those of us that decided to stay lose some badge of honor or something? I hope not.


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## Rookie4

badmemory said:


> First, he was not a stranger. I knew him and I trusted him.
> 
> Second, I would challenge anyone to read 3,700 messages from an OM to your wife; with a good number of them insulting you, calling you names, and bragging about his sexual conquest - and not take it personally. To include this gem:
> 
> *“Its a shame but this is purely egotistical but I take pride and get satisfaction knowing I have his woman. And she will do anything for me sexually. Anything anytime anywhere. Take that *******! One day I want to tell him how much I've been enjoying you in bed.”*
> 
> This POS *made* it personal - on an all new level. I don't feel the need to apologize for hating him or wishing him harm.


OK, so what? Do you think for a minute, that the OM is , in any way , concerned about you and your feelings? The only person who is being affected by your feelings of hate and shame ....is you. You are the one who is giving the OM power over your life. It has been said before, but the best revenge for an affair, is to move forward and have a good life.


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## badmemory

Rookie4 said:


> OK, so what? Do you think for a minute, that the OM is , in any way , concerned about you and your feelings? The only person who is being affected by your feelings of hate and shame ....is you. You are the one who is giving the OM power over your life. It has been said before, but the best revenge for an affair, is to move forward and have a good life.


I could give a rip whether he's concerned or not. I'm giving him no power because I don't interact with him - never have. And there's a difference between blaming the OM and hating the OM. The A is my wife's fault - period. 

But this guy crossed a line that made it personal for me. I can't and won't forgive or forget that. Maybe some could. Good for them.


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## wmn1

badmemory said:


> First, he was not a stranger. I knew him and I trusted him.
> 
> Second, I would challenge anyone to read 3,700 messages from an OM to your wife; with a good number of them insulting you, calling you names, and bragging about his sexual conquest - and not take it personally. To include this gem:
> 
> *“Its a shame but this is purely egotistical but I take pride and get satisfaction knowing I have his woman. And she will do anything for me sexually. Anything anytime anywhere. Take that *******! One day I want to tell him how much I've been enjoying you in bed.”*
> 
> This POS *made* it personal - on an all new level. I don't feel the need to apologize for hating him or wishing him harm.


I agree that the OM is partly responsible. Anyone who screws around with a married person is unethical and a dirtball too and while 'they owe us nothing', they are actively hurting us. It's like someone at a football game throwing a bottle into the crowd. You are going to hurt someone if it hits. 

Yes, the wayward is primarily responsible but the OM/OW are trying to hurt you and they need to get theirs as well


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## wmn1

CantBelieveThis said:


> Not that simple for others, I was one of those that a PA would been a deal breaker, but when u take a look at the big picture and realize all that's at stake (kids, their livelihood, finances, housing, logistics, etc,,) it can be a real nightmare. Nothing new around here on that, plenty of us in that situation.
> Yes I hate that my wife had a PA, but honestly the whole sex thing wasn't as hard to overcome for me, 2 yrs out and I haven't had mind movies for a very long time, thou they were never that bad really, and based on reading their texts (not taking her word for it) the OM was impotent and lousy, so things never really worked right for them. I never cared about OM or blamed it on him, honestly he was a loser, a nobody.
> I think we give too much power to the sexual stuff, wherein the real issue is the absolute betrayal of the marriage. If I were to end it it would be because of that, not the actual sex act itself. But for example, if they had sex on marital bed that level of betrayal is very high, and again irregardless of the quality/quantity of sex acts themselves. Would I have been able to overcome that? I do not know, prbly not, not unless we moved out of such house totally.
> 
> Just wanted throw my 2 cents, I have seen a lot of posts around here lately of people claiming a PA would be a deal breaker, and many not even experienced it. I mean did those of us that decided to stay lose some badge of honor or something? I hope not.


I disagree in part. The sexual part of the affair is very harmful. We don't give it too much power. It has a lot of power by itself. the way you diminish the impact of a physical affair I may be guilty in diminishing the impact of an EA. Both are bad but I could overcome an early stage EA with work, hard work but not a PA. We may be different.

And if you ask, I suffered both some 20 years ago. Currently, and long time removed, the EA doesn't bother me one bit. I could give a crap about her or the OM. I am better off as I have long since moved on to greener pastures. The fact that she was banging away at the OM still gives me an occasional mind movie. It happened in 1995.

We all value things differently but there are too many people on these boards who devalue the impact of a PA. Of course this would change if they threw a porn movie on and it was their wayward spouse starring in it.


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## wmn1

Rookie4 said:


> OK, so what? Do you think for a minute, that the OM is , in any way , concerned about you and your feelings? The only person who is being affected by your feelings of hate and shame ....is you. You are the one who is giving the OM power over your life. It has been said before, but the best revenge for an affair, is to move forward and have a good life.


IMO move forward without both the OM and the wayward in your life. 

If you move forward with the WS in your life, and they suffered little of consequence, you gave the wayward the power. Is that any better ?

Just dump them and don't look back IMO

Just because you get angry or even doesn't mean you give the OM power


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## CantBelieveThis

wmn1 said:


> I disagree in part. The sexual part of the affair is very harmful. We don't give it too much power. It has a lot of power by itself. the way you diminish the impact of a physical affair I may be guilty in diminishing the impact of an EA. Both are bad but I could overcome an early stage EA with work, hard work but not a PA. We may be different.
> 
> And if you ask, I suffered both some 20 years ago. Currently, and long time removed, the EA doesn't bother me one bit. I could give a crap about her or the OM. I am better off as I have long since moved on to greener pastures. The fact that she was banging away at the OM still gives me an occasional mind movie. It happened in 1995.
> 
> We all value things differently but there are too many people on these boards who devalue the impact of a PA. Of course this would change if they threw a porn movie on and it was their wayward spouse starring in it.


i think this an interesting topic, I opened a new thread as not to keep hijacking this one


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## Luvher4life

I couldn't get over an affair, period. Once the trust is gone, it's over in my book. I have too much self respect to let somebody do that to me. It doesn't matter what his penis size is, although I would imagine it would be even worse in this case. Some people can get past it, and I can appreciate that they can, but I know I couldn't reconcile infidelity no matter what. But that's just me.


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## Duckbutt-r

Here is a reply from someone who knows!


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