# My husband wants us to open our relationship to other people



## SquirrelGirl367 (1 mo ago)

A little background on our relationship. We’ve been together over 5 years. We got married this past May and we became parents in June. We have had quite a few of ups and downs in our relationship since we started seeing each other. I am over weight and my husband is fit. We’ve always been that way since the beginning. So my husband told me a year in that he didn’t think we were sexually compatible. He’s not sexually attracted to me and had asked about opening our relationship when I found out he was sexting multiple woman. 1 he had a previous sexual relationship with and the other was a co worker. I found him doing this again maybe a year or so later with the same people. Again the open relationship was brought up but the thought of him with someone else I find to be disgusting and it just breaks my heart. Well we hit another wall again but this time it was my doing. I was being flirty with my online guy friends. Yes there was some sexual content but not to the extent of sexting and sending each other nudes like my husband had done. But still I was in the wrong. He has always had an addiction to porn and I feel like this contributes to these actions.

Our sex life has been on and off. Sometimes it’ll be multiple times a week, sometimes once a week or not at all for a week or two. Depends how I feel since I still have a lot of pain from my c section (I’m 6 months postpartum). For the most part if he wants a blow job I’ll give him one or whatever sexual thing he might be wanting in the moment. Even if I’m tired or not in the mood I’ll still participate because he has needs that I want to fulfill. I get really confused sometimes to because of things he has said to me previously about not being sexually attracted/compatible with me but yet he loves my blow jobs and other things I do to him. Unless he’s lying but I really don’t think he is in regards to those few things.

So 2 years go by after all the above occurred. Things were really good between us. We chose each other, we were happy, and thought we over came these obstacles. He proposed and after a year or so into our engagement we decided to start a family, then we got pregnant with our daughter. We got our own apartment after living with family for most of our relationship. Things have been so good. But now we have hit another wall….

My husband has again been getting distant and it hurts so much. I checked his phone, I get these gut feelings when something is wrong, I always find something when I do. He had been paying for only fan subscriptions and sending some messages to these woman about liking their content. I was pissed and confronted him about it because he knows I don’t like the live interactive crap. I don’t mind looking up videos on pornhub, stuff like that. I was especially pissed because he was spending money on it. He stopped and just stuck to looking up videos. He came home really late the other night which is not normal for him. Found out he went to a strip club with his friend. I flipped out about it. He knew how I felt about all these things. I have mixed emotions about it now, did I over react?

Well tonight he was home really late again. First I called him but he didn’t answer. He texted that he would be on his way home soon. He calls me after a bit and tells me that we need to have a discussion about the parameters of our relationship. He was talking to his co workers about how he has been feeling lately and they told him to talk with me about it. I visit him at work often so I feel very embarrassed and stupid because I know these people he has talked to. But anyway, he gets home and he tells me how he’s not happy. He doesn’t look forward to coming home anymore and he just goes on the computer to play with his friends to essentially distract himself. All these feelings he started getting when we got pregnant. His sexual attraction towards me has never changed. He pretty much feels like we don’t do anything special together and that things are dull. I get that but I work 40 hours a week, start my day at 6am, get home by 2, take care of our daughter until she goes to bed around 6. Once she goes to bed I usually spend my time cleaning. He doesn’t get home until 9pm-10pm. I’m exhausted by that point so I have a hard time staying awake to spend time with him. I feel like I don’t get much sleep to begin with anyway since I was up often to take care of our daughter during the night. He said I need to give him an answer soon, either open our relationship up to other people or not be together.

Now before you all go crazy, know that our connection and our love for each other is really strong. He is sincere when he speaks to me about how must he loves me and cares for me. Wants us to be together for us and for our child. He is a very emotional person and wouldn’t lie about that. If he didn’t have these strong feelings we wouldn’t be together. I know that for a fact. I see the hurt in his eyes when he talks to me about the sexual attraction issues. If we didn’t have this issue our relationship would be just about perfect. I know there is no such thing as perfect but this is literally our only set back.

So I’m really torn on what to do. I so badly want us to work and it kills me that he hasn’t been happy. We want to do what’s best for our daughter. My parents are divorced so I understand the pros and cons to that. The thought of my husband with another woman is really hard to think about. It makes me sick to my stomach. He brought up that maybe we can find a couple that we can date together Instead of us just doing our own thing. Here are the things I am trying to consider before giving him an answer tomorrow.


Our daughter comes first no matter what
We continue to choose each other over anyone else
He would be happy but will I be?
Maybe we try and turns out it isn’t what we need/want then next step we try counseling
Maybe we end up hating it but then maybe it makes us hate each other
Will resentment continue to build or will this eliminate it?
I’m terrified that no matter what I choose I’ll be devastated
Maybe we try and we both enjoy it, makes things exciting for us
Afraid that if he is sexual with another woman will I want him touching, kissing, or try to have sex with me? Will I find him repulse and disgusting? Will he feel the same way about me after?
He wants to actually build a relationship with the people instead of it being strictly sexual, not sure how I feel about this and what kind of relationship? Friends with benefits or girlfriend/boyfriend?
Instead of doing this as a couple would on our own be better? Less say in of who, where, and when?
Would he be open to just one night stands, never contacting or being with that person again? No strings, no emotions?
Wants them to be able to come hang out here, not sure how I feel exposing my daughter to this, would this even effect her? Would she see us as a happy mom and dad spending time with friends?
should we separate temporarily to see how things go from there? Maybe he will realize it’s not what he really wants

I have so many other thoughts but this would make the post endless. It’s already super long and I apologize for that. Is anyone in this same situation as me? Have you been successful with opening your relationship? Did it backfire? I want to know everyones story so it can help me see the good, bad and the ugly sides before I make my decision. I really want us to be happy, I want our daughter to grow up with mom and dad under the same roof. But if it’s really not possible then it is what it is. No matter what I feel like it will take time to make adjustments and heal. I just hope that I can stay positive through all this and come out stronger on the other side in my relationship and my family whole.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He does not love you. If he did he’d be happy with h you. He repeatedly cheats on you buy paying for porn and strip clubs. So no, everything else is not good. He’s done this the majority of your relationship. I have 20 pounds to lose. Still have a 2-3 times a week intimate life. I work out and watch my diet. I can do better.

your husband wants a different body style. Are you moderately overweight or obese? Like if you lost 15 pounds would he notice? Regardless, he’s not the guy for you. He sounds mentally abusive. He’s got a baby and stays out til10? Baby doesn’t come first to him.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

You need to find confidence. If your husband bangs other women this is over. It already is. Seriously? You’re asking if one night stands are the better way to go?

you can’t be happy in a marriage if the other person isn’t into you. He’s not. If you don’t have sex you are pals.
Also he asked for open relationship while you were dating. You were very pregnant when you married. Was this a court house wedding or all the bells and whistles?

he’s essentially said let me cheat and also, I’m not coming home to hang out.
The best you can do is leave.


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

Your marriage is doomed and a sham.


Leave him.

Find some self esteem and respect.

Find ways so that you can love yourself.



This relationship was never intended to last. 

It was doomed from the start.

This isn't going to work out.

Tbh you never should have married or had a child with him.


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## Canadiana (1 mo ago)

This is going to end in total heartbreak for you, OP. 

It’s not a setback or obstacle. It’s a fundamental incompatibility that renders a healthy romantic relationship impossible.

You need to find your courage and leave him. He will not remain married to you anyway, unfortunately. He’s got one foot out the door and it’s only a matter of time until he meets a woman he wants a relationship with. When that day come, you will find yourself single. Don’t drag out your own misery and wait for that to happen.


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## SquirrelGirl367 (1 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> He does not love you. If he did he’d be happy with h you. He repeatedly cheats on you buy paying for porn and strip clubs. So no, everything else is not good. He’s done this the majority of your relationship. I have 20 pounds to lose. Still have a 2-3 times a week intimate life. I work out and watch my diet. I can do better.
> 
> your husband wants a different body style. Are you moderately overweight or obese? Like if you lost 15 pounds would he notice? Regardless, he’s not the guy for you. He sounds mentally abusive. He’s got a baby and stays out til10? Baby doesn’t come first to him.


when we met I was at 170, i was 270 before that. I went back up in weight closer to 200 a few years into the relationship. Now I’m carrying all the baby weight being at 234. I don’t look huge because I’m hall but if I were to lose the weight it would be a significant difference with my appearance. I’ve been struggling to get motivated working out and eating healthy with how my schedule is. Im starting to get into healthier habit with calorie counting and working out. As for being out until 9-10, that’s how late he works till and then has a 35min drive home.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Would it matter if you lost weight? He’s told you he’s not into you and wants to have sec with other people. I would be willing to get $100 he already is.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

SquirrelGirl367 said:


> A little background on our relationship. We’ve been together over 5 years. We got married this past May and we became parents in June. We have had quite a few of ups and downs in our relationship since we started seeing each other. I am over weight and my husband is fit. We’ve always been that way since the beginning. So my husband told me a year in that he didn’t think we were sexually compatible. He’s not sexually attracted to me and had asked about opening our relationship when I found out he was sexting multiple woman. 1 he had a previous sexual relationship with and the other was a co worker. I found him doing this again maybe a year or so later with the same people. Again the open relationship was brought up but the thought of him with someone else I find to be disgusting and it just breaks my heart. Well we hit another wall again but this time it was my doing. I was being flirty with my online guy friends. Yes there was some sexual content but not to the extent of sexting and sending each other nudes like my husband had done. But still I was in the wrong. He has always had an addiction to porn and I feel like this contributes to these actions.
> 
> Our sex life has been on and off. Sometimes it’ll be multiple times a week, sometimes once a week or not at all for a week or two. Depends how I feel since I still have a lot of pain from my c section (I’m 6 months postpartum). For the most part if he wants a blow job I’ll give him one or whatever sexual thing he might be wanting in the moment. Even if I’m tired or not in the mood I’ll still participate because he has needs that I want to fulfill. I get really confused sometimes to because of things he has said to me previously about not being sexually attracted/compatible with me but yet he loves my blow jobs and other things I do to him. Unless he’s lying but I really don’t think he is in regards to those few things.
> 
> ...


*Now before you all go crazy, know that our connection and our love for each other is really strong. He is sincere when he speaks to me about how must he loves me and cares for me. Wants us to be together for us and for our child. He is a very emotional person and wouldn’t lie about that. If he didn’t have these strong feelings we wouldn’t be together. I know that for a fact. I see the hurt in his eyes when he talks to me about the sexual attraction issues. If we didn’t have this issue our relationship would be just about perfect. I know there is no such thing as perfect but this is literally our only set back. *
Sorry but your husband doesn`t love you.
He`s given you all the BS about how much he loves and cares for you because he knows if it comes to a divorce he`ll be stung for alimony, child support and will only be given visitation rights to his child on your terms. If you have your own home he`ll probably lose that as well.
He tried to get around this by asking for an open marriage, so don`t you get it?
Up to you now to decide your way forward.
Good luck with what ever you want to believe and decide to do.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Squirrel Girl, nobody respects someone who doesn't respect themselves. The first thing you need to do on the Journey to self respect is, see a divorce lawyer. Don't accept non monogamy just to hold on to a cheating d bag.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

double post


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

open relationships don't work in this environment. He most likely is already cheating. He doesn't appear to do his share of the responsibilities around the house or with your child. I'd be exhausted and done with his **** if I were you.

How do you say that you really love each other? He's treating you horribly both from the sexually open relationship to the lack of being a contributor to life's needs. He's treating you like you are his wife appliance.

Seriously consider how he's treating you then make decisions. Look at what they do not what they say.

Is this how you want to model a marriage for your child? Do you think how he is treating you is ok?


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Based on what you wrote, I think you already know your answer. 


SquirrelGirl367 said:


> Again the open relationship was brought up but the thought of him with someone else I find to be disgusting and it just breaks my heart.


Here 👆



SquirrelGirl367 said:


> The thought of my husband with another woman is really hard to think about. It makes me sick to my stomach.


Here ☝



SquirrelGirl367 said:


> I really want us to be happy, I want our daughter to grow up with mom and dad under the same roof. But if it’s really not possible then it is what it is.


Here ☝

Whilst it's admirable of you to consider what he's asking, putting others first, you cannot possibly: 


SquirrelGirl367 said:


> We want to do what’s best for our daughter


if you are considering not doing what you know is best for yourself.

Personally, I wouldn't be asking the list of questions you have, I'd be setting the boundaries that you already know you need.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Leave him, divorce.
Lose all the extra weight.

Send him pictures of you in a bathing suit.
Laugh your, trim butt off.

....................................................

Humor, aside.
Put him aside, behind you.

Find a tall, plump man.
He will appreciate, all, that is you.

....................................................

Compatibility is everything.
You now have none of that.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Your NOT OK WITH OM....So don't do it. Don't be plan B ....Tell your husband that your answer is NO..... Don't be forced to F$ ck other men to appease your husband. 
File for divorce , if you can't satisfy him and move on....


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Jimi007 said:


> Your NOT OK WITH OM....So don't do it. Don't be plan B ....Tell your husband that your answer is NO..... Don't be forced to F$ ck other men to appease your husband.
> File for divorce , if you can't satisfy him and move on....


He is not opening the marriage for her to 'have' other men.
He is only thinking of himself.
He wants other women, and could care less, if she gets _used _in the process.

Believe that.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

If you really didn’t envision marriage this way, married to someone who prefers other women to you etc…then don’t compromise your core values to stay in this. He sounds like he wants the benefits of marriage without the responsibility of it.

At the very least, look for a good lawyer and get some legal advice. I don’t see this getting better and if you stay, you will be only co-starring in your own marriage alongside all the other women. I doubt this is what you thought marriage would look like. 

Hope you choose to not devalue yourself to “save” your marriage.


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

If he wants an open marriage but is still extremely attracted to you an satisfying all your wants and needs that is one thing. But if he ignoring and just wanting other women he has already left your marriage and hoping you will find someone else.. if I was you contact a lawyer and see what your options are


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

I know there are alternative lifestyle folks and it works I guess for them, but its not really the norm for the majority of humans...Bottom line? he doesn't value you enough to lose you...If you accept his terms its a home run for him..and nothing for you..

I know you want to be valued...we all do...find someone who values you for more than just sex or whatever..


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

@SquirrelGirl367, have you tried losing weight for yourself? I know from experience that the extra weight will adversely effect your health. I am not saying lose weight for your husband. Lose the weight for yourself. 

Your husband is being an ass. His porn use I believe is part of the issue.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He was attracted enough to get you pregnant. Don't let him give you that nonsense. You said it's been that way since the beginning, but he obviously was attracted sexually to you. Now he is just being a jerk and you are stuck here with kids and limited options. He's likely already cheating on you and considers that talk about open marriage having informed you he's cheating. I wonder how he'd like it if you left him home with the kids and went out on a date, though. What a dirtbag. You need to work as much and as soon as you can so you have money and dump him.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I think your best option is divorce, as many others have already said.

But yes, generally speaking, open relationships can - and do - work for many people, IF they're mutually decided upon, clear rules and boundaries are negotiated and observed, and BOTH get to enjoy the benefits in an equitable manner. My wife and I have been in an open relationship for 22 years, and it has worked very well for _us_. Your situation does not appear to support a fair and fun way to do this.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Better to be single than miserable in marriage.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

As soon as he suggested an open relationship I would have handed him the divorce papers. Sorry but I wouldn't want a child of mine around a man who cant even be faithful and respectful to their mother.
What he does on only fans etc etc is cheating as well. As is porn use in my opinion.

You made a massive mistake marrying a man who has such low moral values. If your daughter was with such a man what would your advice be? Stay and accept his appalling behaviour or leave and maybe one day find a decent man and good step dad for your child?

He clearly isn't interested in being there for your child if he is going to leave you if you don't want him committing adultery. As for wanting to bring his AP home? What?????The man is crazy. Will you introduce her to your daughter in a few years, "oh darling this is another one of your daddies 'lady friends'."

Come on now this is madness. Stand up for yourself and your child and put your foot down. So he may leave, he really isn't any great loss.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> open relationships don't work in this environment. He most likely is already cheating. He doesn't appear to do his share of the responsibilities around the house or with your child. I'd be exhausted and done with his **** if I were you.
> 
> How do you say that you really love each other? He's treating you horribly both from the sexually open relationship to the lack of being a contributor to life's needs. He's treating you like you are his wife appliance.
> 
> ...


Agreed, if he loved you OP he wouldn't treat you so badly.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SquirrelGirl367 said:


> when we met I was at 170, i was 270 before that. I went back up in weight closer to 200 a few years into the relationship. Now I’m carrying all the baby weight being at 234. I don’t look huge because I’m hall but if I were to lose the weight it would be a significant difference with my appearance. I’ve been struggling to get motivated working out and eating healthy with how my schedule is. Im starting to get into healthier habit with calorie counting and working out. As for being out until 9-10, that’s how late he works till and then has a 35min drive home.


Your weight is irrelevant to the fact that your husband is a lousy husband and father.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Ugg. Screwing up the formatting big-time here!


SquirrelGirl367 said:


> Our daughter comes first no matter what



*Your daughter loses out if her mom is stressed over a questionable relationship*


> [*]We continue to choose each other over anyone else


*You're both going to need counseling both to assess if it's possible you can work things out, as well as boundaries required[QUOTE]*


He would be happy but will I be?
*[/QUOTE]It sounds like you're a normal person looking for a normal married relationship. So no, I don't think non-monogamy will work for you. [QUOTE]*


Maybe we try and turns out it isn’t what we need/want then next step we try counseling
*[/QUOTE]You need the counseling now, not later. Is he refusing counseling?[QUOTE]*


Maybe we end up hating it but then maybe it makes us hate each other
*[/QUOTE]Trust your gut. You hate the idea now. You should not be settling for something you don't want.[QUOTE]*


Will resentment continue to build or will this eliminate it?
*[/QUOTE]It depends; are you willing to become completely subservient to his needs and desires? Build your life around someone who puts you second? I didn't think so. You're scared of a future without him, but you can't let that blind you to your own needs as a person.[QUOTE]*


I’m terrified that no matter what I choose I’ll be devastated
*[/QUOTE]I can understand that completely! I would be too. You will find empathy and support for following your instincts though.[QUOTE]*


Maybe we try and we both enjoy it, makes things exciting for us
*[/QUOTE]For how long? A relationship built upon the need to ratchet up excitement (for one partner, or even both) in this way will burn itself out.[QUOTE]*


Afraid that if he is sexual with another woman will I want him touching, kissing, or try to have sex with me? Will I find him repulse and disgusting? Will he feel the same way about me after?
*[/QUOTE]He'll feel the same way about you that he presently does. You're there for what he needs, when he needs it, regardless of your feelings. Concern yourself with your own feelings, not his.[QUOTE]*


He wants to actually build a relationship with the people instead of it being strictly sexual, not sure how I feel about this and what kind of relationship? Friends with benefits or girlfriend/boyfriend?
*[/QUOTE]That's polyamory; sex with full blown emotional attachment to others, if I understand correctly. Different from FWB or casual encounters. Nobody here can tell you how you should feel about that. Again, trust your instincts.[QUOTE]*


Instead of doing this as a couple would on our own be better? Less say in of who, where, and when? You mean, each of you has a hall pass, to do whatever you wish?
*[/QUOTE]Again, trust your instincts. Is this the life you want?[QUOTE]*


Would he be open to just one night stands, never contacting or being with that person again? No strings, no emotions?
*[/QUOTE]Why are you asking us? Ask yourself if you're OK with the idea of being exposed to STDs. Don't buy into the "safe sex only" argument he might make. You have a daughter to look after. You can't risk your life because of his sexual choices.[QUOTE]*


Wants them to be able to come hang out here, not sure how I feel exposing my daughter to this, would this even effect her? Would she see us as a happy mom and dad spending time with friends?
*[/QUOTE]Don't kid yourself. You know how you'll feel. You sounds like a pretty normal person who got herself into an unfortunate situation. Stop trying to rationalize things that you know aren't for you.[QUOTE]*


should we separate temporarily to see how things go from there? Maybe he will realize it’s not what he really wants
*[/QUOTE]Go to counseling and talk about boundaries. Establish what you're comfortable with, and explore whether those can work for him. I'm thinking most counselors are going to see you as a pretty normal person, empathetic and willing to work to make things work, while he's going to expose himself as being out for himself. I doubt he'll even try to pretend he could live with the boundaries you would like.*


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

SquirrelGirl367 said:


> when we met I was at 170, i was 270 before that. I went back up in weight closer to 200 a few years into the relationship. Now I’m carrying all the baby weight being at 234. I don’t look huge because I’m hall but if I were to lose the weight it would be a significant difference with my appearance. I’ve been struggling to get motivated working out and eating healthy with how my schedule is. Im starting to get into healthier habit with calorie counting and working out. As for being out until 9-10, that’s how late he works till and then has a 35min drive home.


Look, no matter what weight you are, it's not YOUR fault your husband is a cheater. He doesn't care about you. He's a louse.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Harsh words coming....

Your H found you just attractive enough to knock you up.
You got married (based on your writing) right before the baby was born. He probably felt obligated.
But generally, he does not find you attractive.
He has sex with you sometimes for a release, but he's not into it.
He fantasizes about other women all the time, because he doesn't like what he sees at home.
He's been cheating, but oops, realizes he should ask first.

You two shouldn't have gotten married, and now that you are, you should divorce.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He was attracted enough to get you pregnant. Don't let him give you that nonsense. You said it's been that way since the beginning, but he obviously was attracted sexually to you. Now he is just being a jerk and you are stuck here with kids and limited options. He's likely already cheating on you and considers that talk about open marriage having informed you he's cheating. I wonder how he'd like it if you left him home with the kids and went out on a date, though. What a dirtbag. You need to work as much and as soon as you can so you have money and dump him.


I honestly believe his excuse/reason is ********.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

BTW, I say these things not to hurt you....my wife has almost doubled her weight since we got married 25+ years ago. I am not physically attracted to her right now. We have occasional sex (release), but I do not seek outside sex like your H does. And I would never try to look for it.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Seems to me when one spouse brings up opening up the marriage it usually means they are already cheating. Sorry that you are going through this but you need to divorce this guy and start looking out for yourself.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

It doesn't matter how you look like. Porn addiction and it effects on men developing unrealistic sexual fetishes is a pandemic.

Women of all body types are facing this noadays. 

Your husband has issues.
What he is chasing are those partially fake models he sees on the internet. 
They are an illusion and there are studies that the combination of using their own hand for stimulation and the visual context men are watching is giving them a much more intense expirience then having sex with a real human being.
Hence their brain gets wired to believe that those models are the reason they experience much more plessure.
Also their own hand goves them more friction and a better sensation then a vagina.

The other thing why it can be more stimulating to men is that porn only serves their need. 
They don't have to care about the other peeson and they are made to believe that the model is only serving their needs and wants exactly what they want at any time.

This is much different to a sexual relationship with a real person. The latter is much more complicate.
Espescially men with atrachment issues or in other words egoistic men are more prone to become porn addicted.

What you have to learn is that it is not due to what you look. Evebmn if you would look like those models on the net, he would be dissapointed after having sex with you looking that way.
And if he ever gets to have sex with such a women again he will be dissapointed.

I've been in a similar situation. My partner was always attracted to other body types and porn models. Long story, but I figured out I was not arousing him and that he was always attracted to other women even in our surroundings. I took the blame on me.

After we split up and he started dating women more his body type he started complaining to me that sex with them was not good and he started to say how much better my body was and sex with me.
He alwaysed blamed the women for not being sadisfied instead of his f*** up sexuality.

The issue was never us women no matter what we looked like. The problem was him having issues being aroused once he is confronted with a real women in bed.
And I think the same applies to your husband.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

The issue with their handjobs giving them a better sensation adds also up with him loving your blow jobs. I am not a men, but a mouth might be able to add more pressure on a mens penis and therefore it might be similar to when he is using his own hand.

If you give him a hand job it is still different unless you know a certain secret how it is done best. And there is one...

Nevertheless, you don't want to end up just giving him hand jobs now.

He needs to develope a sexuality that is based on him wanting to be intimate with you or any other women he is with. Otherwiswme he'll be chasing virtual models forever. He needs to develope Sexuality in the head and not just in the penis.

But at the end it isn't your problem. You are not the person screwed up by porn and able to wnjoynsex based on loving the person you are with wether or not this person is looking like a fake stereotype.
You are the one who can move on and find happy sexuality with another person. He won't if he doesn't treat his porn addiction.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

elliblue said:


> The issue with their handjobs giving them a better sensation adds also up with him loving your blow jobs. I am not a men, but a mouth might be able to add more pressure on a mens penis and therefore it might be similar to when he is using his own hand.
> 
> *If you give him a hand job it is still different unless you know a certain secret how it is done best. And there is one...*
> 
> ...


OK, inquiring minds want to know!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

SquirrelGirl367 said:


> ... been together over 5 years....*married this past May and we became parents in June*. ..... I am over weight and my husband is fit. ..... my husband told me a year in that he didn’t think we were sexually compatible. He’s* not sexually attracted to me* and had asked about opening our relationship when I found out *he was sexting multiple woman*........the thought of him with someone else I find to be disgusting and it just breaks my heart.
> 
> ....*I was being flirty with my online guy friends. Yes there was some sexual content* but not to the extent of sexting and sending each other nudes like my husband had done. But still I was in the wrong.
> 
> ...





SquirrelGirl367 said:


> when we met I was at 170, i was 270 before that. I went back up in weight closer to 200 a few years into the relationship. Now I’m carrying all the baby weight being at 234. I don’t look huge because I’m hall but if I were to lose the weight it would be a significant difference with my appearance. I*’ve been struggling to get motivated working out and eating healthy with how my schedule is. Im starting to get into healthier habit with calorie counting and working out. As for being out until 9-10, that’s how late he works till and then has a 35min drive home.*


I am very pro-marriage resolution, especially if there are small children involved.

However, you need to take a step back and look at the big picture. He has been not being a responsible adult for most of your relationship. The two of you lived with parents. He has been cheating on you even before marriage. Spending money the two of you don't have on Only Fans and not his daughter is a glaring sign he isn't marriage material 

You may love him, and you may think he loves you, but if he really loved you he would treat you differently and respect the needs of his family. A good husband and father would either be working overtime to provide for the financial support of his family or he would be home to help nurture his family, including his wife. He is not good marriage material.

Now, you may love him enough that you want to give him one last chance at changing himself to become of good husband, but that is totally up to you.

As to opening up the marriage..........Hell No. Tell him you didn't sign up for that and his daughter deserves better. Tell him that there are lots of sexually transmitted diseases out there and you are not going to sit around until he brings one home to you. Tell him if he wants an open marriage, you will provide him "with open" by filing divorce papers.

You need to get your life together and gain some strength and emotional courage.

Good luck.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I am one of the few people on this site that does not have any moral objections to consensual nonmonogamy and am one of the 3 or 4 people that have actual long term experience with it.

That being said, can’t think of a bigger recipe for disaster than what you are describing. 

I sincerely believe you will each be healthier and happier long term if you agree to remain on friendly terms and cooperative coparents and divorce amicably so you can each date and hook up with whoever you want.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

This is one of the saddest posts I’ve seen. Somehow, you have been conditioned to think you are not worthy because of your weight. By just him, or have others done this to you as well so you think it’s normal? Your relationship is so far from healthy and normal in every other way, and you don’t even realize it. First of all, an open marriage almost never works long term, and that’s with both people very much wanting to explore it. You would just be allowing it as the terms for you to stay married. That is not love. That is not love. That is not love. Let’s say you go along with this? You do know that eventually he will want a relationship with one of the women he is screwing, and he will end up humiliating you even more than he already has. I should have started with this, but why on earth aren’t you livid that he talked about this with his friends? Omg. I can’t even put into words what a humiliating betrayal this was to you. That is not love. That is not love. That is not love. I urge you, I beg you, to discuss this with someone who actually loves you, a parent, a sister, a best friend. Because they will say the same thing to you. How could they not? How do you suppose this open marriage will look when your child is no longer a baby? Goes to school? Is aware of things? The weight issue isn’t new. It’s not like you went from a size 4 to a size 20 and he’s confiding that it bothers him. It’s always been. You knew before you even married him that he wasn’t attracted to you. That’s just so sad. There are plenty of overweight men and women who are in fully loving and sexual marriages. Please, get yourself some counseling so you can explore where your extremely low self esteem comes from. You are worthy. And you need to be a strong mother for your child. Please, read these responses honestly.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

The overweight thing and the non compatibility thing is just an excuse to cheat.
You were overweight and he was fit since the beginning. 
You caught him cheating on line. He wants to be a married bachelor.
Not husband material.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

in your situation, opening the marriage would only cause you further misery. do not do it.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

In reading the OP, I’m struck by how the OP being unattractive due to her weight leaves her with only two options: open marriage or divorce.

Isn’t there a third option that is within the realm of possibility?


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

I cannot help but notice the contrast between threads about women marrying men to whom they are not attracted, and this one where the genders are reversed. The difference is stark and stunning. The only commonality is the complete disregard of men’s needs, desires and feelings.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

leaving the "needs" discussion for others 

Open marriage - call it what you want - I call it a disaster in the making
You want to hazard getting some critters taking up residence in your body? Ya, open the marriage
You want to spend time wondering how much 'fun' the other is having instead of with you?
Ya, open the marriage.
You want the seed of doubt to grow and slowly poison your relationship (or what's left of it?)
Ya, open the marriage.
You want your child to wonder who or what is their parent?
Ya, open the marriage.
you want to impress your family and friends and neighbors with your lifestyle?
Ya, open the marriage.

get the idea?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

SquirrelGirl367 said:


> A little background on our relationship. We’ve been together over 5 years. We got married this past May and we became parents in June. We have had quite a few of ups and downs in our relationship since we started seeing each other. I am over weight and my husband is fit. We’ve always been that way since the beginning. So my husband told me a year in that he didn’t think we were sexually compatible. He’s not sexually attracted to me and had asked about opening our relationship when I found out he was sexting multiple woman. 1 he had a previous sexual relationship with and the other was a co worker. I found him doing this again maybe a year or so later with the same people. Again the open relationship was brought up but the thought of him with someone else I find to be disgusting and it just breaks my heart. Well we hit another wall again but this time it was my doing. I was being flirty with my online guy friends. Yes there was some sexual content but not to the extent of sexting and sending each other nudes like my husband had done. But still I was in the wrong. He has always had an addiction to porn and I feel like this contributes to these actions.
> 
> Our sex life has been on and off. Sometimes it’ll be multiple times a week, sometimes once a week or not at all for a week or two. Depends how I feel since I still have a lot of pain from my c section (I’m 6 months postpartum). For the most part if he wants a blow job I’ll give him one or whatever sexual thing he might be wanting in the moment. Even if I’m tired or not in the mood I’ll still participate because he has needs that I want to fulfill. I get really confused sometimes to because of things he has said to me previously about not being sexually attracted/compatible with me but yet he loves my blow jobs and other things I do to him. Unless he’s lying but I really don’t think he is in regards to those few things.
> 
> ...


So I think by my coming in here, you have gotten the same opinion from the majority, if not all, of the Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) practitioners here. Open marriage is not what is needed here. Open marriage should never been a solution to a problem with the marriage. Now if one partner has a medical condition and they are the one who suggests it, then that's a problem that ENM can be a solution to, but that still requires no problems in the marriage itself. Starting ENM in an established relationship requires stability and communication. I'm not seeing either here right now. It would have been different if you went into this marriage with one or both of you already in ENM, whether there was another relationship at the time or not. But you two went into this a monogamy.

Before you answer most of those questions above, you have to decide if this is something that is for you. You have to be alright with him being with another woman, even if only for sex. If you cannot make that step, then ENM will not work and those other questions are moot. If you can make that step for sex, then you also have to be prepared for emotional attachments. If you can't do that, then don't try open, because that risk will always be there. The other key is that he has to be open to you seeking action outside the home. If he's going to have the I can have GF's but you can't have BF's position, then it doesn't work. It's one thing for you to have the option and not exercise it. It's another when only he gets the option.

As for dieting, just keep in mind that when the body thinks it is starving, it starts storing fat, not using up the reserves it already has. So don't cut your calories. Look for the right kind to take in and add some exercise to your routines as you can.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

SquirrelGirl367 said:


> A little background on our relationship. We’ve been together over 5 years. We got married this past May and we became parents in June. We have had quite a few of ups and downs in our relationship since we started seeing each other. I am over weight and my husband is fit. We’ve always been that way since the beginning. So my husband told me a year in that he didn’t think we were sexually compatible. He’s not sexually attracted to me and had asked about opening our relationship when I found out he was sexting multiple woman. 1 he had a previous sexual relationship with and the other was a co worker. I found him doing this again maybe a year or so later with the same people. Again the open relationship was brought up but the thought of him with someone else I find to be disgusting and it just breaks my heart. Well we hit another wall again but this time it was my doing. I was being flirty with my online guy friends. Yes there was some sexual content but not to the extent of sexting and sending each other nudes like my husband had done. But still I was in the wrong. He has always had an addiction to porn and I feel like this contributes to these actions.
> 
> Our sex life has been on and off. Sometimes it’ll be multiple times a week, sometimes once a week or not at all for a week or two. Depends how I feel since I still have a lot of pain from my c section (I’m 6 months postpartum). For the most part if he wants a blow job I’ll give him one or whatever sexual thing he might be wanting in the moment. Even if I’m tired or not in the mood I’ll still participate because he has needs that I want to fulfill. I get really confused sometimes to because of things he has said to me previously about not being sexually attracted/compatible with me but yet he loves my blow jobs and other things I do to him. Unless he’s lying but I really don’t think he is in regards to those few things.
> 
> ...


Having an open marriage can work for some. It will never fix a poor relationship, ever, it does not work. Maybe if people are trying to stay together for the kids but can't actually stand having sex with each other it can keep them sane until the kids are out and they divorce. For it to work it take a very strong primary relationship and people who are wired a certain way.

Don't try and twist yourself in knots trying to convince yourself this could potentially work. It will be a miserable failure, especially when you are getting 4 times the action he does, and that is being hopeful for him. Actually on second thought this is a very good idea. Tell him you agree on three conditions he must agree to in writing and if he fails to follow this rule you get all assets in a divorce. You both must tell any person you hookup with that you are currently and plan to stay married, the old not looking to change my situation caveat. Only one night stands, and you must find all hookups on established lifestyle sites. Then please come back in 4 months after you have had 43 one night stands with guys who have no problem with you being married and he has no luck except for the couple unsuccessful dates with crossdressers pretending to be women on the sites.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

CraigBesuden said:


> In reading the OP, I’m struck by how the OP being unattractive due to her weight leaves her with only two options: open marriage or divorce.
> 
> Isn’t there a third option that is within the realm of possibility?


like what? lose weight? 

that may be possible, but it might not be. it doesn't always work, despite best efforts.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

Someone else said it and I want to reiterate it. The literal difference between buddies and a relationship is attraction/sex. And from reading through the responses, especially from the people that are successfully in open relationships, it enhances the relationship with their spouse, it doesn’t replace it (with the exception of illness, which isn’t your case). He’s friend zoning you. He’s not enhancing your marriage  Please don’t marginalize yourself this way. Further, everyone will know, because he’s already told them. That was such a betrayal.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> OK, inquiring minds want to know!


 I am not sure, but it is maybe some secret of my country. We have a catch phrase for it. Enough said from me. Maybe it is too off topic  As I said, it won't solve the problem, when a women ends up giving her confused husband only hand jobs.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> OK, inquiring minds want to know!


Well, we have a catch phrase in our country. Maybe you got own too. If not blame your country.
I am not sharing sexual techniques here. That would be slightly off topic, woildn't it? 

As I said it won't solve the peoblem, if she ends up gi ing him hand jobs. 
He needs to rewired to get aroused and an orgasm, because he loves her.

A human can get an orgasm without physical stimulation. Just triggered by emotions.
Orgasm can come directly from the genitiles or can be triggert by the brain itself. 

You can get orgams without being mentally aroused (genitile induced orgasm) and you can get orgasm by not being physically touched (brain induced orgasm).

For a loving couple it is usually a combination of both.
But porn watcher are training themselves to get that emotional/visual induced brain stimuli from ubrralistic videos and hence son't crave to get that mental and visual stimuli from their partnee anymore.
The porn replaced rhis important function and porn is in their control, more variable and less stressful then a real partner.

As I say, he won't be happy no matter what type of women he is going to have real sex with. He will keep chasing and chasing until he manages to rewire his brain...


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He shouldn’t have proposed or continued the charade of love if your weight bothered him that much.


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