# do you consider sexting to be cheating?



## thebettyshow (Dec 29, 2017)

is it a dealbreaker? why or why not?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Probably. There may be special circumstances where it is not, but I'm not sure what they would be. Is there intent or desire to take it further, for example? There is a fuzzy line that may differ for different couples. I would say porn is never cheating, but some would disagree. Discuss it and decide for yourself, with your partner.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

First offense? Depends.

Anything after that? Absolutely.

Because DUUUUUH.

ETA: To be clear, sexting is cheating. The responses that I provided above where in response to the dealbreaker question.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

thebettyshow said:


> is it a dealbreaker? why or why not?


i doesn't matter what we think, it is about what the spouse of the "sexter" thinks.

Seriously, some spouses are willing to accept almost anything. Sometimes a spouse that does something wrong will repent and become a changed person, worthy of forgiveness.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Sexting is a bad idea because

1. you don't know how the other person is receiving it. If they are related to your work in anyway, it could be worse than embarrassing.
2. Unless you use snapchat, you've given people a record of your activity that you can't get rid of.
3. relationships are dynamic. One minute you think you are joking and the other person knows it, the next minute they are taking what you said seriously.......

so no, I would not be happy if I found out that my husband was sexting someone.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Yes.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Yes its definitely a form of cheating and a complete no no in a committed faithful marriage.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Hell to the ya!


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I do think that texting in a sexual way with someone other than your spouse is considered 'unfaithful'. But I'm also one of those aberrations who believes that the use of pornography is 'cheating'. 

Fidelity is a heart issue. It starts inside us and works its way out. 

Any attachment or activity that leads us away from focusing on our spouse is a problem. 

Is it a 'dealbreaker'? Would I divorce over it? That depends. Am I being replaced? Is the 'thing' that's getting his attention being treated with more affection and respect than I am? Is he willing to give it up if I object?

To me, purity in marriage is simple. But it's not easy, and it's unfortunate that the boundaries of what's considered acceptable keep getting wider.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Yes, it's infidelity. But, I'm one of those guys that thinks there are level of betrayal. I'd be more upset over physical or emotional betrayal. But, I'd still be upset.

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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

*Sexing is cheating. 

*However I’m like most men who think that a PA is much worse than an EA. If my wife was sexing a guy 1000 miles away I could give R a chance. If they touched each other it would be a deal breaker.

Many WH project this view onto their BW. i.e If they didn’t touch the OW then what’s the big deal. They didn't cheat in the way that matters most to them.

It’s very primitive. The man made a deal with his mate: If you let me have sex with you I will provide for all your children but they all must me mine. That’s why another man having sex with your wife is a big deal. It’s in the most primitive part of the brain.

The way a man could break the deal is to give his limited resources to another woman. That’s why an EA tends to be a bigger deal with women. He might go to the OW and take his resources. The sex act isn’t as big of a deal if all his resources stay at home. i.e The OW’s kids can starve.

Many WW project this view onto their BH. They reassure their BH: “He meant nothing and I was never going to leave you.” They didn’t cheat in the way that matters most to them.

As a side note in general it’s bad for the WW to tell her BH this. What he hears is that she wanted to keep his resources while the OM got the sex for free. Therefore the OM must be very special and better than the husband.

*Of course there are always exceptions.

*


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

minimalME said:


> I do think that texting in a sexual way with someone other than your spouse is considered 'unfaithful'. But I'm also one of those aberrations who believes that the use of pornography is 'cheating'.
> 
> Fidelity is a heart issue. It starts inside us and works its way out.
> 
> ...


#
Great post. I too believe that porn use is cheating as much as sexting. I too think its sad that the standards of what some will allow or put up with in marriage is getting lower and lower. What some will try and justify as not being cheating is also getting worse and worse.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Sending nudes back and forth while masturbating together is definitely cheating. You are basically giving them your body at that point. Even if they never touched.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

sexting is obviously a form of cheating. Is it a deal breaker? Not automatically. Even a PA isn't always a deal breaker. Either way, it would be an incredibly serious, marriage threatening problem.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> #
> Great post. I too believe that porn use is cheating as much as sexting. I too think its sad that the standards of what some will allow or put up with in marriage is getting lower and lower. What some will try and justify as not being cheating is also getting worse and worse.


Is porn use cheating if a couple watches it together by mutual consent and with mutual enjoyment?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

FalCod said:


> Is porn use cheating if a couple watches it together by mutual consent and with mutual enjoyment?


I don't think I'd call that cheating. Perhaps unfaithfulness. 

But, personally, I do believe that pornography pollutes the purity of a marriage. 

And it's a slippy slope. It's never gonna be enough. There'll always be some curiosity or expectation waiting to be satisfied. I think it creates more disappointment and dissatisfaction than anything else.

I don't believe we were created to involve others in our marital intimacy.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

thebettyshow said:


> is it a dealbreaker? why or why not?


The thing is, if you have your spouse on a pedestal and see them as unable to do certain things, then something like sexting will shock you and forever change how you see them (unless u rugs weep).... That alone is difficult to deal with because they are certainly not whom you thought they were.

I will never forget the "shock N awe" feeling of losing the innocence of my marriage when I found out what she was capable of.... It sucks but given enough time people "will" disappoint you.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

CantBelieveThis said:


> The thing is, if you have your spouse on a pedestal and see them as unable to do certain things, then something like sexting will shock you and forever change how you see them (unless u rugs weep).... That alone is difficult to deal with because they are certainly not whom you thought they were.
> 
> I will never forget the "shock N awe" feeling of losing the innocence of my marriage when I found out what she was capable of.... It sucks but given enough time people "will" disappoint you.


I'm trying to understand? Was your spouse sending these texts to you? Or were they a form of betrayal with someone else?

The problem with this is that none of us are who others think we are.

We all have a dark side. We all stuggle with something. It's part of being human, and I don't believe anyone is exempt.

I was sexually mistreated as a young child. Not raped, but my body was used an object for the selfish pleasure of male relatives. 

I can't tell you all the ways that those events changed me and steered me away from being a more healthy version of myself, but I have some dark, kinky fantasies. Those are between me and God, and I'll never share them with anyone.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

That's a PA so yes. 

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## thebettyshow (Dec 29, 2017)

how is it a pa? it is all virtual. seems like nothing compared to a pa


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

minimalME said:


> CantBelieveThis said:
> 
> 
> > The thing is, if you have your spouse on a pedestal and see them as unable to do certain things, then something like sexting will shock you and forever change how you see them (unless u rugs weep).... That alone is difficult to deal with because they are certainly not whom you thought they were.
> ...


So you are saying god made a mistake in the way he created you then?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> So you are saying god made a mistake in the way he created you then?


Not at all! 

Mine is a Biblical worldview, so I believe that we were originally created perfect. Perfect in our relationship with God - and with one another. I believe that we chose self-centeredness; we chose to go our own way. (Also referred to as sinfulness.)

Two great books that I just finished reading by Pope John Paul II:
_Theology of the Body_, and _Love and Responsibility_

Basically, they both go into detail about our creation and how we would've treated one another in a perfect world, and how we choose to treat one another in a fallen world.

I'm not Catholic, but the books were wonderful.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

thebettyshow said:


> how is it a pa? it is all virtual. seems like nothing compared to a pa


Well since it isn't emotional and they did something to physically arouse a person outside their marriage, that's why. 

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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

minimalME said:


> TheDudeLebowski said:
> 
> 
> > So you are saying god made a mistake in the way he created you then?
> ...


So basically any thing you see as bad wasn't created by god but by man. But what is good and bad is subjective anyway outside of the basic 10 commandments. 

Where your fetish or whatever it is that is a part of who you are is bad for you, I might think there is nothing wrong with it. The point is your logic of creating perfection is completely flawed because it is men, society, social structure, cultures, that tells us what is good or bad. Does your fetish go against the 10 commandments? Because if it doesn't, then there is nothing written "by god" that says what you think or feel is a sin. 

Thus god created you to have these feelings, and there is nothing wrong with that. Unless you think god made a mistake that is. Or unless you are judging your feelings and the feelings of others as to what is right or wrong yourself. But what allows you to play god with what other people think is right or wrong in the first place? Why do you allow others to play god with with what you think is right or wrong and judge you for your actions and thoughts?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> So basically any thing you see as bad wasn't created by god but by man. But what is good and bad is subjective anyway outside of the basic 10 commandments.
> 
> Where your fetish or whatever it is that is a part of who you are is bad for you, I might think there is nothing wrong with it. The point is your logic of creating perfection is completely flawed because it is men, society, social structure, cultures, that tells us what is good or bad. Does your fetish go against the 10 commandments? Because if it doesn't, then there is nothing written "by god" that says what you think or feel is a sin.
> 
> Thus god created you to have these feelings, and there is nothing wrong with that. Unless you think god made a mistake that is. Or unless you are judging your feelings and the feelings of others as to what is right or wrong yourself. But what allows you to play god with what other people think is right or wrong in the first place? Why do you allow others to play god with with what you think is right or wrong and judge you for your actions and thoughts?


I don't mind having this discussion with you, but we're in the wrong spot, and I don't want to get banned for highjacking. 

If you'd like to begin a new thread in the theology section, I'd be happy to continue. :grin2:


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

minimalME said:


> I don't think I'd call that cheating. Perhaps unfaithfulness.
> 
> But, personally, I do believe that pornography pollutes the purity of a marriage.
> 
> ...


Unfaithfulness? To whom? ..... That's kind of an extreme view. I mean you aren't doing anything behind your spouses back. In fact they are doing something with you. In addition you aren't involving "others" in anything. It's just moving pixels on a screen, of people who typically don't even know you exist.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

FalCod said:


> Is porn use cheating if a couple watches it together by mutual consent and with mutual enjoyment?


Is watching porn forsaking all others?


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

For me sexting would be akin to cheating.

I say this for me as the intentions are there to share "something" with someone else that should be saved for me.

Even if no physical contact happened, I would feel "cheated" out of the best ....whatever here....as there would be a split in attention/thoughts/feelings, etc.

Not considering things like fantasy thoughts (re: celeb's etc), any intentional sexting (for me) is the first step in more active forms of cheating.

My opinions and feelings only here.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Rhubarb said:


> Unfaithfulness? To whom? ..... That's kind of an extreme view. I mean you aren't doing anything behind your spouses back. In fact they are doing something with you. In addition you aren't involving "others" in anything. It's just moving pixels on a screen, of people who typically don't even know you exist.


Yeah - based on what's accepted these days, I'd agree that it's extreme. But that doesn't necessarily mean that is bad or wrong. It's just a higher standard.

But I'd disagree about it not involving others. Pornography is created for and by people. The fact that it's one sided is irrelevant.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Could have just been some left over holiday slack too on the mods part.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

How can it be cheating? Wouldn't cheating be engaging in some exclusive activity that the couple shares with someone outside of the marriage? Sexting is not and has never been a part of our sexual relationship. Therefore, it can't be sex.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Deleted < double post >


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

minimalME said:


> Yeah - based on what's accepted these days, I'd agree that it's extreme. But that doesn't necessarily mean that is bad or wrong. It's just a higher standard.
> 
> But I'd disagree about it not involving others. Pornography is created for and by people. The fact that it's one sided is irrelevant.


Not a "higher "standard, your standard. In addition there are no other people involved at all, no matter how hard you want to believe there are. Is the anchor man involved in a couple's life when they watch the news together? The news cast is created by people for people too.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Rhubarb said:


> Not a "higher "standard, your standard. In addition there are no other people involved at all, no matter how hard you want to believe there are. Is the anchor man involved in a couple's life when they watch the news together? The news cast is created by people for people too.


Okay.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

minimalME said:


> Okay.


What does that mean? You agree now or you've just run out of arguments? There is no unfaithfulness in things couples consent to do together. That's a silly argument. If you personally don't want your spouse watching porn that's a different matter. BTW I would consider sexting cheating.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Not sexing with me would upset me.
Sexing with someone else is a deal breaker.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Rhubarb said:


> What does that mean? You agree now or you've just run out of arguments? There is no unfaithfulness in things couples consent to do together. That's a silly argument. If you personally don't want your spouse watching porn that's a different matter. BTW I would consider sexting cheating.


It means I completely disagree with you. 

I think that there are very, very few relationships where BOTH people want the same things, sexually. I think one person acquiesces to the whims of another, and I think in the long run, it causes damage.

Swinging, polyamory, pornography. Homosexual, heterosexual. Etc. Take your pick.

I think people like to think of themselves as these open-minded, free love kind of folks who can just do whatever and live with it. I think it rarely turns out well.

And if you want to believe differently? That's fine.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

minimalME said:


> I'm trying to understand? Was your spouse sending these texts to you? Or were they a form of betrayal with someone else?
> 
> The problem with this is that none of us are who others think we are.
> 
> ...


My W had a PA and the sexting was just prior to the actual PA, it stopped right after then, because sexting after you do it becomes kinda silly N dumb.
My W had untreated CSA also and her A had a lot to do with it from back when she was molested several times at age of 9, but she had no clue how it was still affecting her.

I agree we all have a dark part, no one is perfect, still doesn't mean you betray someone else, there is just something very uniquely wrong about betrayal, it's visceral and ugly and I don't believe everyone is capable of doing it, be it with a dark side or not.

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## BCC2455 (Dec 29, 2011)

Back to the original question(s) about sexting (as opposed to porn): What if you receive a "sext" out of the blue, unsolicited, from a friend you haven't seen in years who lives in a different city/town? This happened to me a few years ago via email. It really turned me on, so I wrote a very complimentary (but not very sexual--basically I said it was "really hot" and that the person was attractive, but that was it) email in response. Sometime later, my friend was having an unrelated issue (nothing to do with sex or a relationship), so we traded cell numbers, and since then, every now and then I'll receive a revealing picture, occasionally accompanied by a "story." I've never asked this person to send anything like that, and I've never sent anything like that in response, but I definitely enjoy them and have masturbated while looking at them. I'm not married, but I'm in a committed relationship. I don't feel like I'm cheating, but I'm definitely interested in hearing what others think.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

If you see sex as the purest form of intimacy with your spouse then sexting is inviting someone else into your relationship. 

The way I see sex with my husband is an intimate act where there is complete freedom to be myself and open up to vulnerability with my H and vice versa. Why would I like his actions with another woman to invade this space. 

For those who think porn use is not an issue their view of sex is probably just a pleasurable physical act. If you think of it this way then porn, sexting and the like is ok. OTOH I have don’t have a nonchalant view to sex. Sex is more than physical but also spiritual, emotional connection. 

Sexting is cheating. No doubt about that. Fantasizing about another person other than your spouse is cheating. Just because it’s not physical, it doesn’t mean you haven’t soiled your marital bed.


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## thomas79 (Jan 16, 2018)

I certainly do, yes. 

When a person engages in activity with sexual and/or intimate conversation with anyone else other than their spouse it is cheating. 

This is intent. I am aware it isn't physical but is often highly emotional, arguably more so than a one night stand.

I know this first hand and know how it makes me feel. My wife engaged with a stranger online for a 2 month period, exchanging sexual content both written and pictures. 

It is also easier to hide than a physical affair But often leads to more anyway.

This type of behaviour and energy should be for one person only, your spouse; the person whom you are supposed to love and want.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BCC2455 said:


> Back to the original question(s) about sexting (as opposed to porn): What if you receive a "sext" out of the blue, unsolicited, from a friend you haven't seen in years who lives in a different city/town? This happened to me a few years ago via email. It really turned me on, so I wrote a very complimentary (but not very sexual--basically I said it was "really hot" and that the person was attractive, but that was it) email in response. Sometime later, my friend was having an unrelated issue (nothing to do with sex or a relationship), so we traded cell numbers, and since then, every now and then I'll receive a revealing picture, occasionally accompanied by a "story." I've never asked this person to send anything like that, and I've never sent anything like that in response, but I definitely enjoy them and have masturbated while looking at them. I'm not married, but I'm in a committed relationship. I don't feel like I'm cheating, but I'm definitely interested in hearing what others think.


IF you are in a committed relationship and love your partner, then why do you do it? if you think its ok then do you tell your partner about it? Would you be ok if your partner and another person were sexting and sending each other naked pictures?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

thomas79 said:


> I certainly do, yes.
> 
> When a person engages in activity with sexual and/or intimate conversation with anyone else other than their spouse it is cheating.
> 
> ...


Absolutely. :smile2:


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

thebettyshow said:


> is it a dealbreaker? why or why not?


*Any direct or indirect, sexually-motivated action done with a person other than your spouse or committed partner, even with or without their express approval, is certainly deemed to be an act of cheating! *


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

arbitrator said:


> *Any direct or indirect, sexually-motivated action done with a person other than your spouse or committed partner, even with or without their express approval, is certainly deemed to be an act of cheating! *


+1


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

stillfightingforus said:


> +1



+2


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

BCC2455 said:


> Back to the original question(s) about sexting (as opposed to porn): What if you receive a "sext" out of the blue, unsolicited, from a friend you haven't seen in years who lives in a different city/town? This happened to me a few years ago via email. It really turned me on, so I wrote a very complimentary (but not very sexual--basically I said it was "really hot" and that the person was attractive, but that was it) email in response. Sometime later, my friend was having an unrelated issue (nothing to do with sex or a relationship), so we traded cell numbers, and since then, every now and then I'll receive a revealing picture, occasionally accompanied by a "story." I've never asked this person to send anything like that, and I've never sent anything like that in response, but I definitely enjoy them and have masturbated while looking at them. I'm not married, but I'm in a committed relationship. I don't feel like I'm cheating, but I'm definitely interested in hearing what others think.


this is trouble. while showing some admirable restraint, you're in serious danger of crossing the line, or maybe already have. just cut this person out of your life.
no one needs unnecessary temptation.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

I do consider sexting cheating because if someone is setting they are likely already physically cheating or planning it. It would be a deal breaker, I am very old fashioned when it comes to marriage and would not stand for anything close to sexting.


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## smokefire05 (Aug 24, 2017)

Yes sexting is cheating and outside the risk of an unwanted pregnancy or STD it is equal to an "in-person" affair. With both you have the relationship and the orgasm. Sharing nude pics, sexting, describing in detail what you want to do to your affair partner while mutually masturbating together or doing it live together over Skype or webcam is just as bad as "in-person" sex. 

Deal breaker? Yes it was for me. When I looked at my cheating spouse I felt disgusted and I couldn't overcome that feeling. I moved on.


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## thebettyshow (Dec 29, 2017)

smokefire what did your wife do?


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

A secret liaison (even if virtual) and lies by non-disclosure = betrayal. 
Betrayal = cheating. 

Would you be fine with it if your partner was doing the same?

Tell your partner you're getting off on selfies from a long lost friend who contacted you by sext. 
Do you think she will say it's fine & you can keep doing it? 

If the sexter shows up in your town, will you meet her? 
If you don't tell your partner, when will you stop doing it? Next week? month, year(s)? 
It's a lot more complicated than it sounds. 

The sexter wants an ego massage or mb even a bf/husb, or does she have one too?. The fact that she didn't check if you were single before she sexted says a lot about her. 

Don't waste your partner's time. Chances are she wants to be with someone she can trust 100% who doesn't fool around with other women, virtually or not.


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## SoFlaGuy (Nov 28, 2014)

thebettyshow said:


> is it a dealbreaker? why or why not?


Cheating? Yes
Dealbreaker? Probably, I would have a BIG problem with it. While it's not as bad as an actual physical hookup but it's still a form of cheating because of the lie.

That being said my wife and I have discussed playing with a F but only if we both agreed and both were present. To me, it's notcheating if you are both on board and honest with each other. So the issue I would have is the secrecy.


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