# How long can you go being the breadwinner?



## spudtrooper (Mar 25, 2010)

Hello,

I'm wondering if I am being unreasonable in my frustrations with my husband. He is from England and came over to the U.S. to be with me. Firstly, we had decided he would not come over until he had $5,000 USdollars, however, he lied and only came over with about $1,300. It's not the main issue, but he really did lie quite a bit, it's been getting better though.

The main thing is, is that he procrastinated filling out paperwork for his work permit. After months of asking him to get that going, he now has been able to legally work in the U.S. for 8 months. He has not found a job! He has had one interview. 

I continue to work an 8 hour job that I worked very hard for , higher education, 87k/yr, benefits, etc. But, he just sits at home playing video games (I play them too so I can't complain too much), but does no chores unless I specifically ask. And even then I only get about half of what I asked for. (ie. Clothes are washed, but sit in the dryer for me to fold when I get home.) I also do the dishes, sweep, and clean after the cats (my cats though, so again, I think its reasonable I clean after them). He also has not made any real strides to get a driver's license and so when there are errands to do, I have to do them. Grocery shopping, etc.

I guess I just feel like if someone has ALL DAY to sit at home doing nothing, they'd either go OUT looking for a job, or do everything in their power to pull their weight. Especially if they've been in this "homemaker" situation for 1 year now. They only send applications online, I thought someone with 3+ years experience in their field would be able to find a job, but I guess I'm noticing that a college educated person might've been a better fit for me.

There's plenty more going on in the relationship that annoys the heck out of me. (childish behavior, lying, indifference, irresponsibility, financial absurdness) But I am wondering if most of it is stemming from this financial burden, I feel like I am taking care of a child, not helping out a hard working man in a time of unemployment. He is overweight, actually obese, so maybe if he'd just focus on his weightloss with all this free time I'd relax! (he's lost 50 lbs in 2 years, not too bad, but he's been at his current weight for at least 6 months now)

Am I being played the fool? I had 12 grand in savings before he came over, now I'm at 2,500. =/


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Spudtrooper~

You are not being unreasonable. This is not working for you and it is not a mutual united understanding. You thought he'd come with $5000 and be self-supporting within a few months (as is reasonable to expect of an adult). You thought that if he were having difficulty finding a job, he would at least take charge of the household chores (as is reasonable to expect of an adult). 

My thought is that by continuing to do the chores, the errands, pay the bills, etc. allowing him to sit all day and play games, you're actually enabling him. So my thought would be two steps:

1) Have a chat with him tonight. Without blaming or judging, tell him "This is not working for me. I've repeatedly asked for you to get a job or to take over the household chores, and my requests have been ignored and dismissed. We are married and everything that happens now affects both of us, not just you. So I'm requesting that we do have a meeting and agree to keep at it and not walk away until we have reach a mutual understanding that we both agree to enthusiastically. "

If he will do that, then negotiate back and forth with him creatively until you reach something that you ARE okay with. Don't "sacrifice" or "give in" because that breeds resentment--but likewise don't accept "I promise to do better" or "I will try" because you've heard that before and now it's time for the rubber to hit the road. NOW or never. 

IF he will not do a meeting like that (of if he does and then breaks the agreement), step #2:

2) Open a bank account in only your name, transfer money to your account, have your paycheck deposited to your account, inform him you will be canceling the internet at home, and if he would like to continue playing, he'll have to find a way to pay for the internet. Now I do realize this means you will also have to "not play" for a while, but since you are a mature adult, I'm sure you can live without it for a while. Take the bills and divide them down the middle--you pay ones you are not willing to live without and stop paying his cell phone, his ...whatever and make it so that it is as nearly equally fair as possible. (You can do it so that you pay half the rent and he pays the other half but then that mean rent may get behind, so I meant you pay rent and electricity of $1000 and he pays land phone, cell phone, credit card bill and internet of $1000). Make sense? This way you are no longer enabling his behavior.


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

Love the advice affaircare...

It took me about 3 months before I lost my cool. Even after that I carried the majority of the rent/bills...and it did breed resentment in me. Don't do what I did...work through it now with him, before you the anger gets too deep. If he refuses to work with you, just stop paying for things. He will be forced to be an adult. Its just taking care of yourself and setting a strong boundary that you will not let this man walk all over you.


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## Q*bert (Mar 30, 2010)

From the book of "no matter how bad you think things are, there is someone who is worse off"...

My husband came to the US from England 19 months ago (K-1) and still can't find work. 

The plan was that my job and savings would carry us for 6-8 months until he found work. Well, turns out we were married one month before the recession hit. I lost my job six month later and we have both been out of work since. We also have no health insurance. My state is paying my unemployment while I go back to school, but it runs out soon. 

Ah, the best laid plans. Lucky us.

(at least we are together!  )





I


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## spudtrooper (Mar 25, 2010)

*Being the Breadwinner (one year later)*

It's been over a year since I wrote my original post in this thread, and looking back at what I wrote, I'm almost ashamed that I could essentially write the same exact post today.

My husband still has not found a job since moving here. My husband still does only half of daily house chores. I still find the clothes sitting in the washer or dryer, only to be folded by me. He does cook now 3 times a week and dishes get washed on weekdays, but weekends all chores fall on me. Finally got him to take college classes this semester... he's taking two online, very easy.

Still no driver's license! So I still use my lunch breaks and time after work to go do the grocery shopping and what not. I've needed hospitalization only to call my mom from 50 miles away to take me. I thought that'd be a wake up call, but that was 10 months ago. I still have to remind him of things he said he'll do "tomorrow" that do not get done.

Gaming is still an issue because he just pirates the games, no longer needing funds to pay for them. His health is still a problem, he's gone/quit the gym more times than I can count, and I still go and try to get him to come with but he won't.

He sleeps at the same time I do, however he doesn't wake up until 9-10am (totaling about 10 hours of sleep a day).

I think my list could go on and on. Multiple people tell me I have the patience of a saint. But really its just the guilt of it all. Financially I make enough money for us to live fine so money is not an issue, but I just need 'more' from him for this to feel like a relationship!


*Now I'm stuck in this mindset of: How do you divorce someone that is so absolutely dependent on you, from another country, and may not be accepted back to his family because he has completely ignored them since moving here? This has gone on for a long time.

The guilt is atrocious.. ugh.*

And yes, we've had SEVERAL civil conversations on all these points. I get the "Yes, you're right.", and that's about all I get. The energy is not there.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

He's not holding up his end of the deal. You are not his mother and he is being irresponsible.

Move and file for divorce, he will suddenly have a job, contact a marriage counselor and be cooking dinner with you and helping on the weekends too. If not he never had it in him to be fair and reasonable and you might as well move on rather then stay with some one who doesn't care to make sure you are taken care of too.


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