# Tips on not becoming a roommate or maid



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Question for the wives. My husband works a lot more than me (outside the home). I work too. I don't mind running the house and keeping it clean, I actually prefer to do it, but I often feel like I am constantly cleaning and picking things up that I feel like a maid. This is not my husbands fault it is 100% me doing this to myself I just don't know how to get out of the rut. I feel like our routine has left me feeling like a maid and a roommate. I want to get back to feeling sexy, put together, like a wife. I need more romance and fun and less adult responsibility. 

Any tips from women to help me balance all the things I have to do while still feeling sexy and like a wife instead of hired help?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Are you the maid? Are you there to play a role in the relationship as a maid? How is the physical and emotional intimacy?


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

That's a tough one.

You work outside the home too. But he works more; so am I right in assuming that he makes most of the family income???


There is a rationale out there, that the person making the most money, does the least amount of household chores.

Now, that _kind of_ makes sense.

But there are only 24 hours in the day. So if you work a full time job; it doesn't matter if your husband makes more money----you only have as much time as you have.

By your post, it sounds like you've turned into a bit of a clean freak. Does your husband expect a pristine home? Or are you putting this on yourself.....for some reason??? I mean, as long as things are basically decent and orderly; why sweat the small stuff? Yes, occasionally the oven has to be cleaned, and underneath the refrigerator dusted and vacuumed----but not very often.

I get the impression that this is in your control. Relax your standards on the housekeeping;and focus some energy on feeling pretty and being sexy.

Is your husband a cleaning Nazi?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

This is 100% me. I like a very clean, organized minimalist type of home. For some reason the pattern is always spend my whole weekend cleaning and organizing and throwing away all the crap we keep accumulating for some reason, and during the week for whatever reason we can't maintain the clean house and everything gets messy again. I think bc after work I am so exhausted I come home eat and I'm done, and I just wAnt to relax and be with my hubby not clean or take care of things. 

I think it have just gotten into this bad pattern of binge cleaning on the weekends and do nothing during the week


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

That's what I want though. Eventually I want to have kids and work part time and just raise my kids and maintain my home. But I want to find a way to do these things without becoming a maid. I still want to be a happy sexy wife that is well dressed and has a life outside the home.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Being "houseproud" is a real thing; and I actually think it's admirable, to a point.

I'm a big believer in having storage containers all over the place; I think this is especially true if you have kids.

From ottomans with a removable top, to attractive paperboard boxes with artwork on them---they can look really nice and are a cinch to quickly move around your place and put away blankets, toys, devices, beauty products, DVD's, books, remote controls----you name it.

I think the decision is up to you. Unless your husband is pressuring you to keep a spotless home.

If you need hints; there are books. (Not that you are an "idiot"  )


https://www.amazon.com/Complete-Idiots-Decluttering-Lifestyle-Paperback/dp/1592576281


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I'm not sure what your combined income is,but would a cleaner coming in a few hours a week be out of the question?


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Hire a maid. Its relatively cheap. That leaves WAY more time for sex and relationship building
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Why do you feel like a Maid , or fear becoming one , in taking care of your house/ home... just trying to understand the root.. some questions...

*1. * Does your husband show appreciation for what you do, what you contribute in the home? or take it for granted.. does he speak "down" to you, making you feel like your contributions are very small ? 

*2.* Is it more "society" / Cultural changes, now that everything is supposed to be so Equal.. that a woman can do it all.. so if you don't have a career, or contribute as much money.. you you feeling less valued ... any of this at play? 

*3.* Is it more a lack of intimacy / flirting with your husband, are you secretly longing for more sexy moments...his time , erotic attention to feel like more like his "sex queen"? 

I have always worked part time and really done all the housework, cleaning, organizing - didn't matter how many kids we had.. he was the main breadwinner that kept our family afloat.. to me.. this was MY ROLE ....I don't care if others see it as Maid's work.. it never bothered me personally... I took pride in it...I like a clean house to a certain extent, anyway..... I can do this much faster and productively over him -where I need his help elsewhere.. like in the garage & such...that's his domain.. 

So is this how you are viewing it (a mindset) or more how HE is making you feel or society's views - "woman's work" & all that.. like it's worthless and of little value anymore... 

I still love to dress sexy, put on some lingerie...I am a bigger flirt over him even.... 

I aim to do the housework mostly when he's at work... or I do my stuff when he's doing something else...

Give yourself some slack..1st decide what you are really after..... do you want HIM to step up more so.. to even things out.. or just to rid yourself of thinking a certain way... or it sounds you may want to work harder at changing your cleaning dynamic..not waiting till the weekends --so you have more time with your husband?

And maybe your expectations for how clean your house is.. is on the higher bar... I can vouch before kids.. things were more pristine..I was more particular.. as they kept coming.. things have relaxed ...I do need a clean floor in every room.. or I get disturbed.. (certain things can bother some people while something else may not).... I like to go barefoot & I don't like crumbs of any kind....generally I need things put back where they belong... nothing worse than wasting time looking for something that could have been easily found if we just "put it back". 

Sometimes just walking into a room.. can you tidy it up before walking out... (this is how I am)... it's never a "I need to clean this day or that day between ___ & ___ ".... it's more - just on the go...


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

This has nothing to do with my husband. I don't depend on my husband to make me feel a certain way. I feel like a maid bc of what my day to day is like. I think I'm also sensitive about it because my mom was a stay at home mom and I remember watching her and she was constantly picking up after us and was kind of treated like a maid. She never dressed up, wore jewelry, got cute gifts from my dad like jewelry or flowers or whatever. I remember thinking that their marriage was a unfair roommate agreement where my mom had to do all the work at home, (yes my dad worked but this was the perspective of a child). I just felt like my mom wasn't treated like a women, instead she was treated like a mom and a maid and I see myself becoming her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How many hours a week do each of you work?

You say that you spend a lot of time on weekends cleaning up your messes from the week and throwing out stuff that you accumulate.

Who is accumulating this stuff. What kind of stuff is it?

Who is making the messes? What sort of messes are they?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

katiecrna said:


> That's what I want though. Eventually I want to have kids and work part time and just raise my kids and maintain my home. But I want to find a way to do these things without becoming a maid. I still want to be a happy sexy wife that is well dressed and has a life outside the home.


You might want to look at the website FlyLady.net She has a system of house keeping that is really good. It minimizes your effort and maximizes the results.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

katiecrna said:


> This has nothing to do with my husband. I don't depend on my husband to make me feel a certain way. I feel like a maid bc of what my day to day is like. I think I'm also sensitive about it because my mom was a stay at home mom and I remember watching her and she was constantly picking up after us and was kind of treated like a maid. *She never dressed up, wore jewelry, got cute gifts from my dad like jewelry or flowers or whatever. *I remember thinking that their marriage was a unfair roommate agreement where my mom had to do all the work at home, (yes my dad worked but this was the perspective of a child). I just felt like my mom wasn't treated like a women, instead she was treated like a mom and a maid and I see myself becoming her.


About your mom... did she WANT to dress up (also wear jewelry)... maybe your dad would have appreciated , even loved it ? Some women are plain Janes and some like to doll themselves up once in a while.. I am not sure this is much the man's fault.. it's more on how we feel about ourselves...

I also think how we feel about ourselves -can influence how our men see us too.. 

Do you feel your dad was good to your Mom or he neglected her? How would they both feel... I guess my point in this is...it sounds your perceptions are holding you back.. 

What are you hoping to change here... do you want to have a career then...as the stigma of a "stay at home mom" basically is Plain Jane boring/ maid-like & roomatish ? 

What is "treated like a woman" mean to you? is your husband lacking here - but then you said you don't depend on him for how you feel.. so I guess I am confused some...??


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You said you don't have any kids yet so how can the house be that messy really.Pay a cleaner to clean the house every Friday and enjoy your weekends with your husband.Unless you think you should do all your own housework then this is the best solution.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

SimplyAmorous said:


> About your mom... did she WANT to dress up (also wear jewelry)... maybe your dad would have appreciated , even loved it ? Some women are plain Janes and some like to doll themselves up once in a while.. I am not sure this is much the man's fault.. it's more on how we feel about ourselves...
> 
> I also think how we feel about ourselves -can influence how our men see us too..
> 
> ...




This has nothing to do with my husband or my dad. My dad would of loved my mom to dress up, my dad would of loved my mom to get a job. My mom did this to herself. I am doing this to myself. It's a pattern that has been created by me.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

My husband works a ton, like 80-100hrs a week. I have school one day a week, and I have clinical 3 days a week, I wake up at 4am work till 7-730pm and get home around 815-830. But I'm always exhausted and I have to usually prepare for clinical the next day or I have school work to do. So I have 3 days a week off. 3 days to get stuff done, to get school work done, clinical work done, house work, laundry, grocery shopping and food prepping done. And I sometimes sign up for a work shift (I am a nurse), and that is usually a 12 HR shift. 

The house is messy with laundry, dishes, papers piling up from me, my husband, mail, we have a rabbit. I don't know how we accumulate so much stuff. My husband is a secret hoarder, family come and visit a lot and they always leave things in our house or "give" us things.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> You said you don't have any kids yet so how can the house be that messy really.Pay a cleaner to clean the house every Friday and enjoy your weekends with your husband.Unless you think you should do all your own housework then this is the best solution.




We don't have the money right now for a cleaner. We are barely making ends meet.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

katiecrna said:


> My husband works a ton, like 80-100hrs a week. I have school one day a week, and I have clinical 3 days a week, I wake up at 4am work till 7-730pm and get home around 815-830. But I'm always exhausted and I have to usually prepare for clinical the next day or I have school work to do. So I have 3 days a week off. 3 days to get stuff done, to get school work done, clinical work done, house work, laundry, grocery shopping and food prepping done. And I sometimes sign up for a work shift (I am a nurse), and that is usually a 12 HR shift.
> 
> The house is messy with laundry, dishes, papers piling up from me, my husband, mail, we have a rabbit. I don't know how we accumulate so much stuff. My husband is a secret hoarder, family come and visit a lot and they always leave things in our house or "give" us things.


WOW...your lives are too busy.. too stressed.. no wonder you are feeling this way.. you have no time to breathe, re-coup...it's all work and study... our oldest son is working 65 hrs a week, I was just telling him today.. he needs to take a break.. that's no life... and your husband is working sometimes 100 hrs !! OMG!!

Surely he has to be making some good overtime pay... but still this is barely covering the bills? School loans, cars, house payments - I assume.. so you can't even cut back on the working even??


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

katiecrna said:


> My husband works a ton, like 80-100hrs a week. I have school one day a week, and I have clinical 3 days a week, I wake up at 4am work till 7-730pm and get home around 815-830. But I'm always exhausted and I have to usually prepare for clinical the next day or I have school work to do. So I have 3 days a week off. 3 days to get stuff done, to get school work done, clinical work done, house work, laundry, grocery shopping and food prepping done. And I sometimes sign up for a work shift (I am a nurse), and that is usually a 12 HR shift.
> 
> The house is messy with laundry, dishes, papers piling up from me, my husband, mail, we have a rabbit. I don't know how we accumulate so much stuff. My husband is a secret hoarder, family come and visit a lot and they always leave things in our house or "give" us things.


From the above it's impossible to figure out how many hours a week you are "working". "Working" includes the hours you are in school and study/prep hours.

Are you saying that the 3 days a week when you are off you don't spend any time for study/prep or at school?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

SimplyAmorous said:


> WOW...your lives are too busy.. too stressed.. no wonder you are feeling this way.. you have no time to breathe, re-coup...it's all work and study... our oldest son is working 65 hrs a week, I was just telling him today.. he needs to take a break.. that's no life... and your husband is working sometimes 100 hrs !! OMG!!
> 
> 
> 
> Surely he has to be making some good overtime pay... but still this is barely covering the bills? School loans, cars, house payments - I assume.. so you can't even cut back on the working even??




My husband is a resident so it's slave labor. He only makes about $60k a year and in the NYC area it doesnt go far. I also don't get paid for my clinical time, in fact I owe tuition. So that's why I try to pick up a shift here and there. I know in the future we will be doing well, but right now we are trying to survive without damaging our marriage too much. Right now we can barely make ends meet and we are accumulating debt like you wouldn't believe. We are trying to get through this tough time with minimal damage to ourselves and our marriage.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> From the above it's impossible to figure out how many hours a week you are "working". "Working" includes the hours you are in school and study/prep hours.
> 
> 
> 
> Are you saying that the 3 days a week when you are off you don't spend any time for study/prep or at school?




No I do. I'm saying I have to do everything, my to do list on those 3 days. Which is why when I'm off I feel like a maid and a roommate because I have so much to do In so little time. I'm very task oriented.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

katiecrna said:


> No I do. I'm saying I have to do everything, my to do list on those 3 days. Which is why when I'm off I feel like a maid and a roommate because I have so much to do In so little time. I'm very task oriented.


Between your long shifts at work, your school and your school prep, I get the idea that you are actually working as much as he is. That's why I asked for the actual number of hours a week you put into all of this.

You are both burning the candle at both ends. But the difference is that somehow you feel obligated to do all the housework and he feels that he does not need to lift a finger.

What percentage of your joint income do you earn?

I think that you need to enlist his help with things. You might also need to relax your standards so that you can take care of yourself more than take care of the house.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Between your long shifts at work, your school and your school prep, I get the idea that you are actually working as much as he is. That's why I asked for the actual number of hours a week you put into all of this.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I disagree with this post. I think that my original question is getting lost in translation. It doesnt matter how much i make vs how much he makes. We are a team not competitors. He is not physically at home. I am at home more than Him, so I'm going to do housework. Although I don't have much free time, I have more free time than him.

This doesn't have anything to do with my husband. I have no problem delegating a task to my husband, but I won't do that if he is exhausted, and sleep deprived. When he has a slower week and has more time than I will ask him to do something.

Back to my original post which I must not have explained clearly... as a women we have a lot of hats we have to wear and a lot of things we have to do for everyone else. Especially stay at home moms. Sometimes I feel like I am spending so much time cleaning and cooking ( naturally these things need to get done), but the problem is I often get wrapped up in tasks, and what needs to get done that I find myself feeling like hired help and a maid. What are ways or things I can do to not feel this way?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

@katiecrna I agree with @EleGirl. You really DON'T have more free time than H because you have to do everything else. It is a mindset you have to accept. 

You BOTH are limited on time and money. The basic premise here is that you BOTH will sacrifice now, for the greater payout later when he is a wealthy doctor. So you sacrifice everything towards that goal. And from reading your other posts, you are truly sacrificing. You know you are not happy.

So your mindset should be to accept the situation. Don't see yourself as a maid. See yourself as the captain keeping the home ship afloat until you can sail into profitable waters in later years. As for being roommates, that is a whole different problem. From your posts, I get the impression your H values his profession more than he values you.

On a more practical note, can you set up a home organization system to reduce your workload? 

1) Declutter your apartment so that every item in the house has a place to go, and out of sight.
2) Put in a paper filing system with several baskets. The first basic is for the important papers (bills etc) that must be acted on right away. Another basket for less important papers that can be sorted once a month.
3) Don't let others bring clutter into your house.
4) Limit yourself on the bunnies. You were looking for another one. Did you get it?
5) Separate laundry baskets for sorting. H can presort this dirty clothes into the right basket. When full, it goes into the washer.
6) ALL bills should be on auto payment with alerts send to you so you know when bills have been paid. 

I get the impression you might be like me. I make a mess with clutter all during the week and spend the weekend putting everything away. It is mentally and physically draining. That is a bad habit you need to work on, if you have that problem.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Some grocery stores will deliver for a nominal fee. Is that feasible? You can shop online for what you need.

also I would tell friends and family a heartfelt thank you for the gifts and stuff they leave at your place, but please refrain as you are at maximum capacity with space.

You can also sometimes eat on paper to save time doing dishes. 

Have designated mail baskets. Take just a few seconds each day to separate junk from real mail. It'll be easier to go through when you have time on your days off. Or, discipline yourself to throw the junk mail out every day.

Your schedule is nuts but I realize for now, it's a means to an end. Can you muster up an extra 15 minutes a weeknight or two to tidy up so you won't have a bunch of stuff to do on the weekends?

Lastly, I agree with the other posters who say you should lower your expectations on the cleanliness of your house. I realize it probably makes you feel good, having a super clean house. I get it. But unless you relax just a bit, I think you'll forever be in this quandary until you and your H get settled in your careers.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

katiecrna said:


> I disagree with this post. I think that my original question is getting lost in translation. It doesnt matter how much i make vs how much he makes. We are a team not competitors. He is not physically at home. I am at home more than Him, so I'm going to do housework. Although I don't have much free time, I have more free time than him.
> 
> This doesn't have anything to do with my husband. I have no problem delegating a task to my husband, but I won't do that if he is exhausted, and sleep deprived. When he has a slower week and has more time than I will ask him to do something.
> 
> Back to my original post which I must not have explained clearly... as a women we have a lot of hats we have to wear and a lot of things we have to do for everyone else. Especially stay at home moms. Sometimes I feel like I am spending so much time cleaning and cooking ( naturally these things need to get done), but the problem is I often get wrapped up in tasks, and what needs to get done that I find myself feeling like hired help and a maid. What are ways or things I can do to not feel this way?


You are not a SAHM. It is not also inherently the woman's job to keep the house clean. Not in today's world when you are both so busy that it's driving you nuts.

I get that you are home more. So you do the lions share. It's a big task to organize running a home. I gave you a link to a web site that helps you figure tis out. The solution is more than can be posted here in one thread. Try the site.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> I disagree with this post. I think that my original question is getting lost in translation. It doesnt matter how much i make vs how much he makes. We are a team not competitors. He is not physically at home. I am at home more than Him, so I'm going to do housework. Although I don't have much free time, I have more free time than him.
> 
> This doesn't have anything to do with my husband. I have no problem delegating a task to my husband, but I won't do that if he is exhausted, and sleep deprived. When he has a slower week and has more time than I will ask him to do something.
> 
> Back to my original post which I must not have explained clearly... as a women we have a lot of hats we have to wear and a lot of things we have to do for everyone else. Especially stay at home moms. Sometimes I feel like I am spending so much time cleaning and cooking ( naturally these things need to get done), but the problem is I often get wrapped up in tasks, and what needs to get done that I find myself feeling like hired help and a maid. What are ways or things I can do to not feel this way?


If you guys are hardly ever home, how does your house get so messy that it needs a full weekend of cleaning every weekend?

As was said by someone else, it sounds like you put in as much time on your work/education as he is putting in on his. So why does he get a free pass on housework? Make a to-do list, and make sure he crosses off things as well as you.

I'd spend some time figuring out where you can make things easier. Train yourself, and GET HIM ON BOARD with avoiding behaviours that make things harder.

Do either of you drop your clothes everywhere and have to gather them up later, or do they go in a laundry hamper right away? Get two laundry hampers, and separate your lights and darks at the removal stage, instead of spending time sorting them later.

Don't cook fresh every night. Make double dinners every other night, and freeze some for another night. Make sure you both participate in the cooking. Bonding over chopping vegetables and stirring can be very romantic if you want it to be.

The best way to avoid feeling like a roommate and maid though, is to make sure to communicate with him that this is something you are worried about. The surest way to fall out of love with a man is to feel like his mother instead of his lover. If you sense that coming, let him know! He should make sure not to take you for granted, should make sure he does not create more work for you than necessary, and if the workload is unevenly distributed onto your shoulders, he should make sure to express his appreciation.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> *If you guys are hardly ever home, how does your house get so messy that it needs a full weekend of cleaning every weekend?*
> 
> I'd spend some time figuring out where you can make things easier. Train yourself, and GET HIM ON BOARD with avoiding behaviours that make things harder.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I think you need to do some thinking about time management and efficiency. You can't work less, or go to school less. You can't delegate as your H is so rarely home. If you can cut some of your chores out, or cut the time spent on them then you would have more time for the things you like to do.
Maybe making your place flow better would help? Think about the areas that clutter piles up the most in your residence.

Putting a paper shredder or a trash can right next wherever you drop your mail might help. Unwanted stuff goes right in instead of laying around for you to go through on the weekends. 
We found a bill sorter with the days of the month on numbered slots. Bill is opened and dropped into the slot that corresponds to the due date. I like it a lot better than our previous method of a messy drawer with bills and it saves me time.

I have a constant donation bag going. Whenever I try on something and it doesn't fit/has a stain that i can't get out/don't like it anymore that's where it goes. Unwanted gifts from family members? straight in the bag. When i know i will be going past a donation center, i put it in my car and start a new one.

I spend a lot of time cleaning the kitchen/dishes/cooking. When i load the dishwasher i put similar silverware items in each section. emptying the silverware tray takes less time.
Even when i'm not doubling a recipe for the freezer, sometimes i still help my future self out. Only using half an onion? i chop the rest too and put it in a freezer bag. I soak a whole bag of black beans at a time, cook them in a crock pot and freeze in portion sizes. Some nights if enough things are pre prepped, i can make a quick meal from freezer ingredients with no prep work, and only the dishes we ate off of for cleanup. no washing up from cooking.
Sometimes I will make a bunch of freezer breakfasts like breakfast burritos or breakfast sandwiches or bars, muffins, whatever. This lets me sleep in a little longer, but you could use it for quality time with your H if breakfast is (cheap) grab and go.

A spot by the door for keys/purse/charging station/phone means I don't spend time looking for those things as much.

I found an article the other day that said "But simply organizing our stuff (without removing it) is always only a temporary solution. By definition, organizing possessions is an action that must be repeated over and over and over again." Don't Just Declutter, De-own.

That resonated with me. Getting rid of things you don't want means you don't have to spend time cleaning it or organizing those things any more. Streamlining my life makes me ultimately happier.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Your husband is working 80 plus hours a week for $60K, $14 p/hr that is madness. I understand the wages are lower in USA but far out my kids earn more than that working in a bakery.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> That's what I want though. Eventually I want to have kids and work part time and just raise my kids and maintain my home. But I want to find a way to do these things without becoming a maid. I still want to be a happy sexy wife that is well dressed and has a life outside the home.


So many women are put into the position of having to be Super Woman.

You have to excel at your job and bring in an income, you have to be a wonderful mother 24/7, you have to be the chief cook and bottle washer, laundress and housemaid inside the house, you have to be the wonderfully loving and sexy wife because god forbid your poor, deprived husband feel neglected, and if you have 2 minutes left to *yourself *at the end of every long long day, lucky _you_.

OP, you're not alone. Most women work much harder than men in marriages. The stats prove that even in today's world where many women are working and bringing home a very decent salary, the overwhelming majority of them are *still *stuck doing most of the domestic chores inside the house.

But the day is going to come when you've graduated and are holding down a well paying job (or a part time job as you stated) and you'll have a couple of kids and everything is going to fall on YOUR shoulders with the kids as well as everything inside the house and the next thing you know, like most women you'll be working your tail to the bone trying to Super Woman. Parenting doesn't stop at 5 pm - it's a 24/7 job.

How do you keep from being the housemaid? Make sure you *don't* set a precedent that will follow you for life. As your situation changes and you take on more and more work , you make DAMNED SURE that his participation in child rearing and domestic chores *changes as well*. Otherwise, you'll just be another Super Woman working her ass off 23 hours a day trying to please everyone while he's laying on the couch crying about feeling 'neglected.'

You see this stuff ALL the time. All the time.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> You said you don't have any kids yet so how can the house be that messy really.Pay a cleaner to clean the house every Friday and enjoy your weekends with your husband.Unless you think you should do all your own housework then this is the best solution.


Andy, you don't need kids to create a messy house. 

Just marry a man crazy about DIY, and you'll see no end of tools, screws, bolts, pex tubing, cans, etc., strewn about multiple rooms. If the concept of putting away is not practiced, presto you have a maid that cleans it because she's tired of not having a clear surface to even eat dinner on!


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

@katiecrna

Okay, I guess we all meandered away from your original question.

You want to still feel sexy and romantic. A bit of a tall order in your current situation, but 

Wear lacy, frilly, crotchless, etc,etc, undies under your work scrubs. Good thigh-high stockings will stay up all day under pants---wearing them will always make you feel sexy. They have some that are supportive; which is good for your line of work.

Always wear a little spritz of cologne (maybe not on your nursing shifts; iirc that can irritate nauseous or allergic patients).

Get a 15 minute make-up routine down. Say good-bye to anything like false eyelashes, winged eyeliner or elaborate contouring methods. But have a handful of good products that you are deft at applying. 

You said that your husband is a hoarder. I don't know if you meant in the general sense of the word. Since those TV shows came out "s/he's a hoarder" has become a turn of phrase. Or, if he really is manifesting this type of behavior.

That has to be dealt with. You will NEVER have a clean home if you live with pack rat. One good thing though; hoarders don't usually expect to have a clean house. So, don't think that he has your ****-and-span standards.

When women fought for equal rights; men didn't pick up protest signs and demand the equal right to cook and clean  What I mean is that you have to insist that he helps; even if his help is by omission, ie: he doesn't accumulate a bunch of crap all over the place that you have to scurry around cleaning up....aarrgh!!!

I get what you say about looking up at your mom when you were a kid, and thinking, "THIS is what it means to grow up and be a woman". You have to deliberately live and choose differently. You can already see yourself following her behavior pattern; which is good, you are self-aware. 

This is gonna fall on deaf ears, because I know that a medical internship is institutionalized insanity; but there is more to life than working. I realize that for the moment, you two are working for a goal. But learn from this time.

You don't want to set yourself up for a life of 60+ hour weeks, for either one of you. Unless you enjoy workaholicism. If he becomes a doctor; will you be okay with him being gone/on call for the majority of the time? Nursing isn't for the faint-hearted either; you'll have a demanding job too. Think NOW about what you really want in the future.

I think debt and shortage of time might be inevitable for the time being. Don't beat yourself up over that.

Same with meticulous housecleaning; perhaps not feasible while you're both in school and so very busy.

I think adding some girlie, sexy elements to your life is a great idea. Allow yourself this little luxury. But I think that overall, you have to lower your housekeeping and financial standards (just temporarily).


Do not even remotely, faintly, consider having children until you have arrived at a place of sanity. That place is different for all of us. Some people realize that their lifestyle is incompatible with being parents. Consider this very, very carefully.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

I think too many people here are quick to jump on @katiecrna H. If there are things H can do to help out (i.e. if he is frequently leaving a mess behind) then yes, he should pick up the slack. From what I am reading by the OP though, that doesn't necessarily seem the case, and is in part due to her own OCD. It could also be a matter of perception. I don't work the crazy hours your H does, but I am way from home 14+ hours a day, work close to 60 hours a week. What I consider a mess and what my W considers a mess (since she is home much more than me, even though she is a SAHM now she was a nurse working crazy shifts) can vary greatly. Just try your best to stay organized, keep communication open with your H, and a sparkling house means very little if you are too stressed out to even enjoy it.

I did try the lacy/crotchless panties, IDK, not sure I have the right body frame for


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> I did try the lacy/crotchless panties, IDK, not sure I have the right body frame for




Oh, get out of here, you wild thang!!!


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Oh, get out of here, you wild thang!!!


Don't worry, I went for the wolf starter pack instead


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

MrsHolland said:


> Your husband is working 80 plus hours a week for $60K, $14 p/hr that is madness. I understand the wages are lower in USA but far out my kids earn more than that working in a bakery.




My husband will make $500,000-$1,000,000 a year when he is done so it works itself out.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> My husband will make $500,000-$1,000,000 a year when he is done so it works itself out.




You're not putting him through school are you? Is his student loan debt his own? Who pays most of the bills (rent, groceries, utilities, car upkeep)? I know you said you had heavy debts; but how is it broken down?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

notmyrealname4 said:


> You're not putting him through school are you? Is his student loan debt his own? Who pays most of the bills (rent, groceries, utilities, car upkeep)? I know you said you had heavy debts; but how is it broken down?




I'm not paying his student loans. We have a joint account. I have my own student loans and he has his own. Neither of us are paying off our loans yet bc we're still in school, and he has his deferred until he is done with residency.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

That's good.

I'll admit that when I hear of a woman who is with a guy who is currently struggling; but he will be rich one day---an alarm goes off in my head.

I know it's a cliche; but men do leave women who support them when they are poor and starting out, as soon as they get successful and rich.

Please forgive me if that seems rude or presumptuous. It is meant kindly.

Your husband might be an absolute saint, and would never dream of doing that in a million years. I don't know him, of course.

But make sure that you and your career are going to be okay too.

You are spending your youth, your sexuality and time with him. The clock moves faster for women due to the realities of childbearing.

Nothing wrong with assessing if you are being used or taken advantage of.

Once again, please don't think I'm attacking you or your husband. I'm merely pointing out a pitfall that can happen when you support a guy through his rough times. I'm an internet stranger---I know nothing about your life other than what you have shared, so I'm not trying to insult you, or suggest that you are not desirable on your own.

Just do everything you can to make sure that YOU are covered.


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## mitchell (May 19, 2014)

Katie, my wife and I are both physicians. We did our residencies at the same time, so I know what you are going through.

Think of this time as the lean years. We had no money and often went days without seeing each other, but we look back on them fondly as a time when we supported each other and each helped the other to succeed. You simply cannot sweat the small stuff at this stage in your life. Take what precious time you have for each other at this point and make it about strengthening your bond and marriage. Instead of endlessly tidying, take a nice bath in anticipation of his arrival home from work. Force yourself not to focus on minor messes and see the bigger picture.

Things will get better for you two. Don't neglect your sexy female/wife side at this early stage in your marriage.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Thanks for sharing that with us @mitchell


If you don't mind me asking you; *in your experience* do men (or women??) tend to dump their long-standing partner who supported them through the "lean times", as soon as they become doctors?

I know it's not limited to the medical profession. And I know it's kind of a stereotype; but stereotypes arise for a reason.


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## mitchell (May 19, 2014)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Thanks for sharing that with us @mitchell
> 
> 
> If you don't mind me asking you; *in your experience* do men (or women??) tend to dump their long-standing partner who supported them through the "lean times", as soon as they become doctors?
> ...


Well, I hate to make generalizations about this sort of thing. I do know a few couples who split after one spouse supported the other through medical school and residency.

I can say that the shared experience made my own relationship much stronger. Sure it was tough. Our longest stretch was 9 days when we didn't see each other. I was working 36 hour shifts with 24 hours off in the trauma ER and she was doing 24 on 24 off in the NICU. The sparks really flew when we were able to get together! Who cared if the house hadn't been tidied up?


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

mitchell said:


> Our longest stretch was 9 days when we didn't see each other. *I was working 36 hour shifts with 24 hours off in the trauma ER and she was doing 24 on 24 off in the NICU. * The sparks really flew when we were able to get together! Who cared if the house hadn't been tidied up?




I'm so glad it worked out well for you both.


Don't want to threadjack; but our current medical training system that puts interns through this kind of h.ll, sounds like it also puts patients in danger . . . who can remain sharp and clear-thinking for 24 or 36 hours without sleep?


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## mitchell (May 19, 2014)

notmyrealname4 said:


> I'm so glad it worked out well for you both.
> 
> 
> Don't want to threadjack; but our current medical training system that puts interns through this kind of h.ll, sounds like it also puts patients in danger . . . who can remain sharp and clear-thinking for 24 or 36 hours without sleep?



Well, I'm old (52 today!) so I'm talking about a schedule that we had 30 years ago. Today there are restrictions (particularly in NY) that limit work by residents. I believe they must work less than 80 hours/week.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

mitchell said:


> Well, I'm old (52 today!) so I'm talking about a schedule that we had 30 years ago. Today there are restrictions (particularly in NY) that limit work by residents. I believe they must work less than 80 hours/week.




:birthday:


I'm glad you contributed to this thread. I think your input will be especially valuable to @katiecrna


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

If it starts that early in the relationship, think what married life will be like.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> My husband will make $500,000-$1,000,000 a year when he is done so it works itself out.


Well it will work out financially but the stress you two are living in the mean time may break you. It is hard to understand a system that works people into the ground for pretty much subsistence wages. 

But maybe you can apply the longer term thinking to the whole situation. Let go of the high expectations you are putting on yourself for the immediate term, when your household income is at a better rate then think about outsourcing. ATM the housework is not the priority, your mental health, marriage and stress levels are far more important. Lower your standards around the house for now till you guys can afford a cleaner etc.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

We are almost there. He has less than a year left of residency then one year of fellowship. I am graduating next month so at least me working will help with the money issue.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

How much time per week do you spend doing housework? If it's more than 4 hours, it's probably too much.

Sounds to me like overall you're doing too much, and you need to carve out some downtime for yourself. A chunk of time, whatever you can manage, where you will only do something nice for yourself. Something that makes you feel centered and relaxed and good about yourself. Could be anything from taking a bath to playing an instrument to staring at the wall, but it has to be something that's for you and makes you feel good.

And then once you have all that money, you'll never have to do housework again.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Knowing this is *"just temporary"* should make all the difference in the world.. I would NOT pile more work on my husband if I was in your shoes.. he needs to focus & get through this.. this is a vital time.. not that I would understand anything about this... I don't.. but I've seen other threads like this.. I was floored that anyone could live like this.. no time to breathe... 

Your role in supporting him in this is absolutely HUGE...

So long as the place is livable... it would help immensely to lower your expectations on yourself... would either of you even notice if things weren't dusted just so?... let it go.. 

When you get a moment of time.. try to do things that will bring you happiness... ever so soon this will die down... you want to remember some Great moments during this too.. doing what you can together.. not off doing housework when you could have shared some memories... those little things / little moments could make all the difference in getting through this..


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Knowing this is *"just temporary"* should make all the difference in the world.. I would NOT pile more work on my husband if I was in your shoes.. he needs to focus & get through this.. this is a vital time.. not that I would understand anything about this... I don't.. but I've seen other threads like this.. I was floored that anyone could live like this.. no time to breathe...
> 
> Your role in supporting him in this is absolutely HUGE...
> 
> ...


Totally agree with this. Don't forget to enjoy the journey. Life is not about the destination, it is about the daily life along the way.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

katiecrna said:


> My husband works a ton, like 80-100hrs a week. I have school one day a week, and I have clinical 3 days a week, I wake up at 4am work till 7-730pm and get home around 815-830. But I'm always exhausted and I have to usually prepare for clinical the next day or I have school work to do. So I have 3 days a week off. 3 days to get stuff done, to get school work done, clinical work done, house work, laundry, grocery shopping and food prepping done. And I sometimes sign up for a work shift (I am a nurse), and that is usually a 12 HR shift.
> 
> The house is messy with laundry, dishes, papers piling up from me, my husband, mail, we have a rabbit. I don't know how we accumulate so much stuff. My husband is a secret hoarder, family come and visit a lot and they always leave things in our house or "give" us things.


I would suggest losing the work shifts if you can, go to Sams and buy that huge bag of paper plates (the sturdy kind) and plastic utensils, and you can cut your dishwashing down to once a week. Wear your clothes twice before you wash them, if not more. Kids, too, unless it's high level soiling. Nobody cares. On those days you don't sign up for a work shift, do a "Sunday cooking regime,' where you cook a couple chickens and cut up and prepare a bunch of different meals at one time and then freeze them. Or prepare a bunch of 'drop in' meals for the crockpot and freeze them, and just dump them in the crockpot in the morning so dinner's waiting for you.

As far as your H, look for opportunities to drop him off at work and pick him up (if it's at night), wearing nothing but an overcoat; make a pit stop in a private spot along the way home... In other words, find ways to create spontaneity.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I think you need to shift your focus away from the 'chore' aspect of your life and towards what you want. You need to somehow fundamentally change the way you think about things. If you keep thinking of yourself as the maid, you will BE the maid. If you keep thinking of the house as messy it WILL be messy even if it isn't.

I had to make such a shift when my younger son was 2-3 years old. He was very difficult and I kept thinking of him as a bad kid which obviously affected the entire family negatively. I had to, and did, shift my thinking to him being a good kid with a difficult problem, and helping him.


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