# Facebook friends?



## rosie39 (Jun 13, 2017)

My H of 30 years has had 3 EAs. I won't go into details but I am 100% sure there was no sex involved. The last one was 2015.

I encouraged him to contact an old coworker of his, a physical therapist, for information about his back problems. She is about 4 hours away now (they don't work together anymore). I do have his FB pw and check all the time because of his history. So far, so good, no issues besides "normal" FB friends. But now I see he has been messaging her weekly, and NOT about physical therapy. Most of the messages are benign, but what married man sends a single female articles he would think she likes, about art, music, etc.? It's fine to send me those, or his children, but...so then last week I was having a really bad morning for various reasons. While I was ranting, he was messaging her. All in all, again it was relatively benign, but AGAIN, what married man messages a single female just to say hello, how are you, etc.? Weekly? I set the boundary years ago that he was not to ever again have any friends of the opposite sex. He continues to believe there is nothing wrong with it. I say, if I don't want it, that should be enough. I am tense and suspicious of his FB "friends" due to his past behavior. I have not said I know about this one because he is having surgery tomorrow and I don't want to upset the apple cart. What is your advice?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Once he's recovering from the surgery, give him this book to read. 

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity  by Shirley P. Glass

How involved were the other EA's? Were they over the internet, or in person?

Your husband is a serial cheater. Are you sure you want to stay with him?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You don't want him to have female FB friends, but you then told him to have one?

And you didn't foresee any likely problems?


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## Robbie1234 (Feb 8, 2017)

I think Facebook has caused more marriage breakups than anything else in history


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

rosie39 said:


> My H of 30 years has had 3 EAs. I won't go into details but I am 100% sure there was no sex involved. The last one was 2015.
> 
> I encouraged him to contact an old coworker of his, a physical therapist, for information about his back problems. She is about 4 hours away now (they don't work together anymore). I do have his FB pw and check all the time because of his history. So far, so good, no issues besides "normal" FB friends. But now I see he has been messaging her weekly, and NOT about physical therapy. Most of the messages are benign, but what married man sends a single female articles he would think she likes, about art, music, etc.? It's fine to send me those, or his children, but...so then last week I was having a really bad morning for various reasons. While I was ranting, he was messaging her. All in all, again it was relatively benign, but AGAIN, what married man messages a single female just to say hello, how are you, etc.? Weekly? I set the boundary years ago that he was not to ever again have any friends of the opposite sex. He continues to believe there is nothing wrong with it. I say, if I don't want it, that should be enough. I am tense and suspicious of his FB "friends" due to his past behavior. I have not said I know about this one because he is having surgery tomorrow and I don't want to upset the apple cart. What is your advice?


Your husband has poor boundaries with women, which explains his previous EAs. Added to that, he isn't willing to stop doing things that he knows hurts his wife. 

I think you should plan for a separation, with a letter to him stating that you're no longer willing to live with this arrangement, where your husband has private female friendships that don't include you. If he is willing to implement extraordinary precautions in the marriage, you're willing to consider reconciliation. I'd plan for at least a year of separation. He needs to know that you're unwilling to live like this. Since you are still there after his 3 EAs, he thinks that he can continue (obviously) to live how he wants with private female friendships because you are still sticking around.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'd also download a copy of Surviving an Affair, which comes with a checklist of extraordinary precautions that your husband will need to put in place if he is going to save his marriage.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Remove all Back Burners from his social media. Asap.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong, why do you even want to be married to him???? I would never in a million years stay with someone who had that little respect for me, or himself.

And I totally agree with Matt - you told him to contact this woman, and now you're surprised he did what he did?


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## Sly Fox (Jun 6, 2017)

I think your husband is one of those guys who will one day be single, crying to himself wondering what happened.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Robbie1234 said:


> I think Facebook has caused more marriage breakups than anything else in history


Coworker affairs are in first place.
Social media in second.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

TDSC60 said:


> Coworker affairs are in first place.
> Social media in second.


I've had a wife do both...so true.

This is enlightening.....


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## rosie39 (Jun 13, 2017)

Actually I didn't even know about her, but the reason I asked him to contact her is that a friend of mine heard of a job opportunity for a home nurse/physical therapy aide. I asked him if he knew anyone (because he was working for a healthcare organization) and he mentioned her. i said he should ask if she is interested in something like that, and then he found out she had moved 4 hours away. My reason for him contacting her was completely benign and just me doing a favor for a friend. I never thought his "discussion" would continue.


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## rosie39 (Jun 13, 2017)

What does that mean, remove all back burners? I should just go and block her and not discuss with him? What's funny is in reading these messages, she doesn't seem to be pursuing him in the least. She ignores most of the things he sends her. It's almost like he is stalking her or something.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

rosie39 said:


> Actually I didn't even know about her, but the reason I asked him to contact her is that a friend of mine heard of a job opportunity for a home nurse/physical therapy aide. I asked him if he knew anyone (because he was working for a healthcare organization) and he mentioned her. i said he should ask if she is interested in something like that, and then he found out she had moved 4 hours away. My reason for him contacting her was completely benign and just me doing a favor for a friend. I never thought his "discussion" would continue.


Above you wrote this:


> I encouraged him to contact an old coworker of his, a physical therapist, for information about his back problems.


So what is it that you didn't know about?

In any case, file this experience under "nothing comes for free." I've asked guys for advice and they hint around that any further support requires payback.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

rosie39 said:


> Actually I didn't even know about her, but the reason I asked him to contact her is that a friend of mine heard of a job opportunity for a home nurse/physical therapy aide. I asked him if he knew anyone (because he was working for a healthcare organization) and he mentioned her. i said he should ask if she is interested in something like that, and then he found out she had moved 4 hours away. My reason for him contacting her was completely benign and just me doing a favor for a friend. I never thought his "discussion" would continue.


I am confused @rosie39. Some others may also be confused.

In your first post you told us that you advised him to get in touch with her for advice on his back problems.

But now you have told us that you knew of a job opportunity and asked if he knew of a likely candidate and that he, not you, brought up her name.

Only one of those stories can be true. Or neither of them are true and there is another reason as to why she has been contacted.

Could you explain the discrepancy and advice us of which story is the correct one or tell us the real reason why?


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## rosie39 (Jun 13, 2017)

Sorry about the confusion. Yes, I originally asked him to contact her about the job. Then I suggested since she was a physical therapist he should also ask her about his back and what to do for that. The conversation has gone way beyond that.


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## rosie39 (Jun 13, 2017)

I didn't know about her, didn't know she was anyone he knew, but he knows a lot of people in healthcare.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

rosie39 said:


> My H of 30 years has had 3 EAs. I won't go into details but I am 100% sure there was no sex involved. The last one was 2015.
> 
> I encouraged him to contact an old coworker of his, a physical therapist, for information about his back problems. She is about 4 hours away now (they don't work together anymore). I do have his FB pw and check all the time because of his history. So far, so good, no issues besides "normal" FB friends. But now I see he has been messaging her weekly, and NOT about physical therapy. Most of the messages are benign, but what married man sends a single female articles he would think she likes, about art, music, etc.? It's fine to send me those, or his children, but...so then last week I was having a really bad morning for various reasons. While I was ranting, he was messaging her. All in all, again it was relatively benign, but AGAIN, what married man messages a single female just to say hello, how are you, etc.? Weekly? I set the boundary years ago that he was not to ever again have any friends of the opposite sex. He continues to believe there is nothing wrong with it. I say, if I don't want it, that should be enough. I am tense and suspicious of his FB "friends" due to his past behavior. I have not said I know about this one because he is having surgery tomorrow and I don't want to upset the apple cart. What is your advice?


Because of his past behavior, I would not tolerate this. He is not as remorseful as he should be. After his surgery, I would calmly let him know that you are separating due to irreconcilable differences.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

rosie39 said:


> My H of 30 years has had 3 EAs. I won't go into details but I am 100% sure there was no sex involved. The last one was 2015.
> 
> I encouraged him to contact an old coworker of his, a physical therapist, for information about his back problems. She is about 4 hours away now (they don't work together anymore). I do have his FB pw and check all the time because of his history. So far, so good, no issues besides "normal" FB friends. But now I see he has been messaging her weekly, and NOT about physical therapy. Most of the messages are benign, but what married man sends a single female articles he would think she likes, about art, music, etc.? It's fine to send me those, or his children, but...so then last week I was having a really bad morning for various reasons. While I was ranting, he was messaging her. All in all, again it was relatively benign, but AGAIN, what married man messages a single female just to say hello, how are you, etc.? Weekly? I set the boundary years ago that he was not to ever again have any friends of the opposite sex. He continues to believe there is nothing wrong with it. I say, if I don't want it, that should be enough. I am tense and suspicious of his FB "friends" due to his past behavior. I have not said I know about this one because he is having surgery tomorrow and I don't want to upset the apple cart. What is your advice?


Friends do.......


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

What were the three other EA's. What you have said sounds like just friends. 

If I know a friend likes something's I let them know when I find stuff about it. 

Also, most of the time people involved in a EA text daily, all day long. I am not seeing what you are sorry.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*FB has the marked potential to be a breeding ground for infidelity!

Just ask my RSXW! That's exactly where she covertly renewed her relationships with her old flames! *


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Why do people remain in relationships with people they don't trust? What kind of life is that?


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Ahhh. The dreaded facebook friends. I am not friends with any men on fb aside from family members, or couples. If I add a man, I also add his wife this way if I am dating someone they have nothing to worry. My friends on fb are also people that I communicate with on a regular basis...old gfs from school that I have the occasional night out with, my close gfs and people like that.

Facebook killed my marriage many years ago. Not going to let something like that happen again. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## pbj2016 (May 7, 2017)

xMadame said:


> Ahhh. The dreaded facebook friends. I am not friends with any men on fb aside from family members, or couples. If I add a man, I also add his wife this way if I am dating someone they have nothing to worry. My friends on fb are also people that I communicate with on a regular basis...old gfs from school that I have the occasional night out with, my close gfs and people like that.
> 
> Facebook killed my marriage many years ago. Not going to let something like that happen again.
> 
> ...




Facebook doesn't kill marriages. Men and women with loose boundaries and low integrity kill marriages. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## rosie39 (Jun 13, 2017)

ABHale said:


> What were the three other EA's. What you have said sounds like just friends.
> 
> If I know a friend likes something's I let them know when I find stuff about it.
> 
> Also, most of the time people involved in a EA text daily, all day long. I am not seeing what you are sorry.


He has three EAs, and I know the difference. He went to great lengths to hide them, lying to me and almost lost a job over one. Yes, this appears to just be a friend, but he is hiding that friendship too. It may not be an EA yet but I know his pattern.


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## rosie39 (Jun 13, 2017)

rosie39 said:


> ABHale said:
> 
> 
> > What were the three other EA's. What you have said sounds like just friends.
> ...


 Besides that, NO, he doesn't get to send interesting articles to a friend a) who I don't know about and who is female and b) that he doesn't send to me. He does not get to send sunny morning greetings to her at ANY time but especially when I am in the middle of a meltdown. He also does not get to pretend to be installing FB Messenger on his phone for his cousin when I am standing right behind him seeing "Your friend Susie has invited you to Messenger. " He is starting to lie to hide this from me, as he did before. Yeah, he wants a "friendship" all right, just not with me.


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

So its dodgy for a man to have women FB friends and vice versa. What about people in gay relationships, what friends are they permitted? The bisexuals should be banned from FB altogether perhaps?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

twoofus said:


> So its dodgy for a man to have women FB friends and vice versa. What about people in gay relationships, what friends are they permitted? The bisexuals should be banned from FB altogether perhaps?


Ya, that's EXACTLY what's being said









As xMadame said, just make sure your friends' spouses are also your friends.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Hope1964 said:


> Ya, that's EXACTLY what's being said


...especially if the man in question has a history of affairs ... and is sharing things with just that person rather than just in his general facebook feed ... and is hiding the potentially dodgy contact ...


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