# I had an emotional affair



## ourlove (Jan 23, 2012)

My husband and I have been married for five years. It has been a rocky five years. We have two kids, a four year old daughter and a three year old son. I love them dearly. This might be a long story so bear with me. 

So.. my husband and I, when we were dating, had a long distance relationship. We both went to high school together but my family and i moved to a different state. I loved and missed him dearly. He was my first real boyfriend and he was very caring and gentle with me, at the time. fast forward a year and a half... We were still in a long distance relationship. He cheated on me countless time. I didn't know what to do.. I was so far away but I was so hurt because he'd call me and tell me that he still wants to be with me, but then hangs up and leaves with his girlfriend. I knew he had a girlfriend, but I was so used to talking to him that I kept the door open for him to come and go as he wished--remember, he was my first love. His girlfriend was a bit psychotic. She'd cut herself every time she finds out he was talking to me. He ended up leaving her and we got back together. Even after we got back together, he'd still talk about her good she treated him and that of all the girls he's been with, I am the worst. At the time, I was stupid and I never argued with him. I always just sat on the other side of the phone and cry or just listen to him put me down.

A few months after he broke up with his girlfriend, we got married. After we were married, I found out that he was still checking up on his ex-girlfriend and when I confronted him, he'd say he just wanted to know if she was hurt or not because she hurt him. I caught him doing this a few times. Ever since he dated this girl, I have always felt that I am never good enough for him; I felt like I was not pretty enough, I still feel like I am not. Shortly after we got married, I started working at a retail store close by our house. Surprisingly, a girl my husband was chatting with days before we got married recognized me and approached me. She began telling everything that he told her about his past relationships. She said he's never once mentioned anything about me to her, but did tell her that he's had sex with his most recent ex but she screwed him over. I was so hurt.. beyond what the word hurt could ever define. He was my first and I was his.. I wanted so bad for it to stay that way. I got home that night and asked him if any of what this girl told me was true, all he said was I told her I had sex with my ex because she knew your best friend and I didn't want her to tell your best friend that we had sex. Well, the next day at work.. this girl proceeded to tell me about my husband's other personal page that he never told me about. I checked it out and he's already deleted everything, but his guestbook still had all the comments from the girls he chatted with. This struck me hard and broke my soul down even more. My confidence dropped down so low.. I just didn't feel like I would ever be good enough for him or as good as his ex. 

fast forward a few months.. we had our first child and the pain subsided a little, but then he was going out a lot. His older brother and his wife and kid moved in with us. My husband and I got into a lot of arguments because of them. They were very irresponsible parents and people in general. I was still working and about five months pregnant. My brother-in-law and his wife were never home and they'd always leave their daughter with us, she was about six months at the time. I'd be exhausted from work and they would leave their kid with me. I'd call and complain to my husband but instead of listening, he'd tell him that I'm being a *****. His brother them were not appreciative people either. They'd give me weird looks or leave the living room area when they see me. I felt like an outcast. I was at high risk for going into labor early and his brother's wife couldn't understand why I was high risk. I told her that I was put on bed rest at six month pregnant because my baby was down very low and she said.. well my child was down low too when she was near due. The thing she didn't understand was, I was not anywhere close to being due. I was so depressed, because not only were my husband's brother and wife giving my a headache, my husband joined them in doing so also. I couldn't even ask about his brother them without him yelling at me tell me that a ***** like me, anybody would hate. He was going out with his friends a lot on the weekend and when I ask to go along he'd tell me I follow him too much. I left me throughout most of my first pregnancy. 

When my daughter was born, she was about six weeks early. Fortunately, she was a very healthy preemie. She would have gone home with me but she had sleep apnea once and her pediatrician wanted to keep her for a week to monitor her. I was there at the hospital with her for a week. I was so frustrated with my husband and his family that I told my husband that my baby was born early because he'd always force me to watch his brothers' kid even when the doctor said strict bed rest. He'd always say it was my own fault.. he blames it on my baby shower that my aunt threw me. 

fast forward another year, I was pregnant with our second child and my husband still couldn't stop his going out habit to his friends out. He probably wouldn't even be at my son's birth if we hadn't gotten into an argument that night about going to his friends house. There was a snow storm that night and his friends lived 30 minutes away. That night, about an hour or so after we got to his friends house, my water broke. Even after our second child was born, he was still going out. He does ask me, I do say yes sometimes but I'd give him a time to get home. Well, he doesn't get home until five hours after the time I give him.. which is usually five in the morning. It slowly got to the point where I didn't really care anymore. I'd say yes because I was so use to not having him home with the kids and I. He spent more times with his friends then he does with me and the kids. Everytime I'd ask him to take us out to do something, he'd say that he doesn't want to spend money or that he's too tire. Not just this, but everyday when he gets off work, I would go up to him and hug him and kiss him, but he'd push me away and tell me to leave him alone. It got to the point where I was begging for only five minutes of his time. I was also in nursing school at this time. 

My husband does not do anything around the house. The only thing he does is work, and play video games. He doesn't even eat at the dining table, I bring food and water to wherever he is at. I do everything around the house and I take care of the kids. School really stressed me out and I had to stop cleaning so that I could keep up with school work. My husband didn't like this. He'd call me lazy all the time. We argue about this everyday. I'd ask him to help clean, but he said that he doesn't have too because he works and I dont plus its a woman's job not a man's job. I dropped out of school shortly after and found a job. There we were still arguing over stupid things. Now he's saying I wasted time and money for nothing. He'd tell him I'm ****ing useless all the time. I was at a point where I didn't want to come home to him most days. I was so broken down that I didn't know what to do with my life anymore. There were days where I'd come home from work and cry because I wish he'd just listen and help me out around the house. 

One day.. I was sick at work and called him that I might come home during my break, but then I thought about how he was always complaining about all the money I wasted and the money he made that I spent, I decided to stay until the end of my shift. I couldn't text him because I was busy at work and my supervisor was walking around. So he text me yelling at me telling me that I am always wasting his time and that if i wasn't going home why did i say so. I went to the bathroom and text him that I thought about the money that he was always talking about and decided to stay so that I could pay him back. he text back saying that I still have 30 years to pay him back. By this time, I was crying at work. I cried all the way home from work. 

When I got home, I started chatting with an old friend on a social network. He was funny and was saying all the right things I wanted to hear. Before I knew it, I was hooked. I knew that I wasn't suppose to talk to him that way, but it felt good. I love my husband, but dreaded him coming home because I knew that he wouldn't have anything nice to say. He was just gonna find something to ***** about. I never met up with this friend at all. I still had enough self-controlled to stay away plus I didn't want a physical relationship with him. I just wanted him there to say things my husband never says to me. This went on for about a week and my husband found out. I came clean with everything. I showed my husband all of our chats and admitted to everything that I did. 

I was never physical with this friend, he was just someone that was saying all the things my husband couldn't say. I stopped though after my husband found out. Never contacted him again. My husband and I talked and he has changed to be more caring but he's hurt. I'm hurt knowing that I hurt my husband. I just cant believe I did this. This is totally against all my values and my moral. I wish so bad that I can take this back but I cant. From the bottom of my heart I swear this was only an emotional affair, but my husband thinks otherwise. He thinks that I slept with this guy and so many other guys, but I didn't. The more my husband accuses me, the more it makes me think. They say, it takes a cheater to know a cheater. The more he accuses me the more I wonder if all his accusations are true to him? if you guys know what I mean. I swear blind that I have never met up or did anything physical with this other guy. I love my husband.. I really do.. I love him more than my own life, but after all that I have sacrificed for him, I'm hurt that he's never taken the time to fulfill my needs. He's always put his feelings first and I have also. I have always accepted him for who he was, he was super comfortable around me, but I wasnt comfortable around him. I felt like I had to act like a different person when he was around. I was surprised at how deeply hurt he was and I was hurt to see him that way. I, though, sometimes have a hard time to come to terms with his pain. Sometimes I feel like he deserves it, but most of the time I feel ashamed. Ashamed at the fact that I couldn't be a faithful wife and that in a blink of an eye I was something I never wanted to be. I am proud of myself though, that I was able to stop before things got out of control. 

So.. my question is.. what can i do to make things right? make it up to him? what would people think about me? I love him a lot and I don't want my kids with grow up without a father figure. I know what I did was wrong and I vow never to go in that direction ever again! Please.. some advice would be nice. thank you


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Reading your story has shocked me that you didnt run going through what you went through during your pregnancies and even after. What you did was wrong and you accept that you did wrong so thats a starting point if you want to make it work try MC talk about your problems with an unbiased person. Personally I think he is hurt for 1 of two reasons either he has been cheating E/A or P/A and you got caught and he knows what its like or his hurt about the fact that he drove you to do this. I think you should talk to him and give him some reassurance that it was a mistake and wouldnt happen again.


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## yolanda_fan (Jan 12, 2012)

I think he definitely hurt you first, but two wrongs don't make a right. Emotional affairs can be just as devastating as physical cheating. My husband and I went through the same thing when I started an inappropriate e-mail relationship with a (platonic) male friend from college. I suggest marital counseling to work through the ways he hurt you in the past and continues to hurt you through his lack of support. And both of you need to work through your betrayal--yes, it was only over the Internet, but it still counts as betrayal. An objective and caring listener is key. I hope all goes well.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

I'm wondering why you kept having sex and babies with him? :scratchhead:


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

southern wife said:


> I'm wondering why you kept having sex and babies with him? :scratchhead:


:iagree:

It makes no sense at all to put yourself through all that stress when you have an absentee partner who's more of an obstacle than a help.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Your post is way too long so I didn't read it all but what you can do is end contact with the OM forever and get into marriage counselling. There seems to have been trust issues on both sides. No more contacting your exes or anyone else


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## ourlove (Jan 23, 2012)

yolanda_fan said:


> I think he definitely hurt you first, but two wrongs don't make a right. Emotional affairs can be just as devastating as physical cheating. My husband and I went through the same thing when I started an inappropriate e-mail relationship with a (platonic) male friend from college. I suggest marital counseling to work through the ways he hurt you in the past and continues to hurt you through his lack of support. And both of you need to work through your betrayal--yes, it was only over the Internet, but it still counts as betrayal. An objective and caring listener is key. I hope all goes well.


We have tried to change things up and did promise not to ever talk about the past, but he keeps bringing it up. He doesn't see the pain he's caused me, just the pain that I have caused him. I have admitted all my wrongs, I'm just waiting for him, but I know he won't admit his wrongs because as of right now he feels that my emotional affair was far more devastating than everything he's put me through. I'm hoping for the best, but as of right now, we on a rocky patch in our path. I don't know if I should just wait things out or what, because everytime I try reasoning with him, he just tells me that a cheater like me shouldn't be reasoning. IDK.. He doesn't see the pain he's inflicted on me and the sad part is, I dont think he ever will.



southern wife said:


> I'm wondering why you kept having sex and babies with him? :scratchhead:





A Bit Much said:


> :iagree:
> 
> It makes no sense at all to put yourself through all that stress when you have an absentee partner who's more of an obstacle than a help.


Southern Wife and A Bit Much: This is how much I LOVE HIM! It's only him that can't see it. He always say it's always him loving me never me loving him. He's never picked me up after knocking me down, I've always picked myself up and tried again and again.. Now, I feel like I'm slowly giving up inside. I don't want to, but sometimes I wonder if he'll ever change? Despite all the he's done, he has been a good father to my children and he does provide for us. IDK.. I'm just so lost and confuse. I don't know what to do right now or where to start...


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Love isn't enough. When you both are on the same page you'll understand that.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

ourlove said:


> Southern Wife and A Bit Much: This is how much I LOVE HIM! It's only him that can't see it. He always say it's always him loving me never me loving him. He's never picked me up after knocking me down, I've always picked myself up and tried again and again.. Now, I feel like I'm slowly giving up inside. I don't want to, but sometimes I wonder if he'll ever change? Despite all the he's done, he has been a good father to my children and he does provide for us. IDK.. I'm just so lost and confuse. I don't know what to do right now or where to start...


Love him or not, you just sound really desperate. There are men out there that will treat you WITH LOTS of respect. But you have to respect yourself first - it sounds like you do not respect yourself. 

And out of your desperation, you've had 2 kids with this man that is pretty much absent most of the time and treats you bad. And now those 2 kids will have to suffer whatever choices you decide: stay in a bad marriage and live in a broken home, or come from a broken home with a chance at happiness AWAY from it. The choice is yours, but now you've got 2 little ones in tow and have to think about.

And by ALL mean, stop trying to "reason" with him. He won't change and you can't make him change. He is the way he is, and you chose to be with him and have babies with him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ourlove said:


> We have tried to change things up and did promise not to ever talk about the past, but he keeps bringing it up. He doesn't see the pain he's caused me, just the pain that I have caused him. I have admitted all my wrongs, I'm just waiting for him, but I know he won't admit his wrongs because as of right now he feels that my emotional affair was far more devastating than everything he's put me through. I'm hoping for the best, but as of right now, we on a rocky patch in our path. I don't know if I should just wait things out or what, because everytime I try reasoning with him, he just tells me that a cheater like me shouldn't be reasoning. IDK.. He doesn't see the pain he's inflicted on me and the sad part is, I dont think he ever will.
> 
> 
> Sounsd like my ex. Never took ownership of things he did nor did he ever acknowledge pain he caused me.
> ...


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Self sacrifice should be a mutual exercise in a relationship. Both should be reaping the benefits of those sacrifices.

You're a giver and he's a taker, nothing you do or say will change that. Stop putting him on a pedestal, holding him up to some higher standard in which you hold yourself. If you had been doing that all along, you wouldn't be here talking about this. You would have put a stop to all of this after the first baby was born.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Being the giver to a taker sucks if it's a constant.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Being the giver to a taker sucks if it's a constant.



Sure does. It's a bloodsucking vortex of need to a giver if they're in a relationship like this. 

My solution to that is get out and get with another giver. Life sure is more pleasant... you're always filling each others cups.


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