# Is there hope?



## LavenderRose (Jun 28, 2014)

My heart is broken right now! I don't know what to do. My husband and I have been married for 22 years now. We have 5 amazing kids 14-21 years old. We used to have fantastic sex. I'm talking planets moving I think I passed out a few times sex. Then a few years ago he suddenly just stopped wanting it! Like ZERO interest! I know he isn't having an affair and never has. Yes he is on medications that can cause issues. Yes his testosterone is low. He used to go to the Dr's office to get monthly T shots (or he was supposed to) but he forgot more often than he went so then I started giving them to him (I have a healthcare background) Now he is just flat out refusing the shots and says that I just need to accept that we just won't have sex anymore! He told me to buy toys and when I did he got mad. He won't talk to me about it at all although he says that it has nothing to do with me. I am SO hurt, frustrated, depressed, etc, etc, etc! I NEVER turned him down or left him hanging and took care of his needs through all of my pregnancies etc. If I couldn't or didn't want sex I made sure he was still happy. He is completely ignoring me now so it's not even just sex he's hardly talking to me at all! He comes home from work and he is either sleeping or on his computer and I feel like we don't even have a marriage anymore! I feel so lost and alone and when I try to use my toys it just makes me mad so I can't get any relief! HELP!


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## biola (Dec 28, 2012)

Get him to a medical practitioner that can guage how low is testosterone.This as the potential to cause all kinds of problems in a marriage.Please don't give up on him just yet.
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## biola (Dec 28, 2012)

Wellbutrin is an anti-depressant that can cause an increase in sex-drive!
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## LavenderRose (Jun 28, 2014)

His testosterone is VERY low but he is refusing his injections. He is supposed to have it every 3 weeks now and has gone months refusing. I will ask about wellbutrin. It is just not normal for him to be completely disengaged from his family like this. (when he is in public he pretends to be normal but completely isolates himself once he walks into the house.) Thanks!


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

Welcome to my world - wife takes care of herself and let's me do an disproportionate amount of child-rearing. Can't help, can only commiserate - sorry
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

some odd things going there. He knows he has low T, but wont let you give him the shots. tells you to buy sex toys, but hen gets mad that you use them? Sounds more like some mental issues. He has become ASexual, but maybe subconsciously is embarrassed by that so is mad when you use the sex toys instead of him?

Barring any prescriptions drugs he might be taking (antidepressants, antipsychotics)...something odd happened for sure.

Does he watch any gay porn?? Maybe he is gay, and avoiding sex with you now because he does not want to keep up the façade anymore? Maybe that is why he gets mad when you try to talk to him about it. Check out his computer/phone to see if he is cruising gay porn sites, or gay chatting with guys. IF not, maybe a visit to the shrink?


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## LavenderRose (Jun 28, 2014)

I have seriously wondered if he was gay. If he is home he is on his computer or it is right next to him so I think unless I made up a reason to use his instead of mine it would be pretty hard to check his history. I was VERY over weight and lost a bunch of weight (over 100 lb) when he lost interest so I went so far as gaining some back thinking maybe he preferred me heavier and didn't want to discourage me. He doesn't even look at me anymore! I dyed my hair and it took my daughter's boyfriend pointing it out almost 2 weeks later for him to notice and it was a BIG change. I asked him what he would do if I went out and got my needs met some where else. He looked at me for a minute and said "You mean like have an affair or something?" I told him yes and he just laughed and said like I would ever do something like that. (He knows me too well) The problem is that I literally ache! it's not just the physical aspect of it. That's why tpys don't do it for me. I can't reach orgasm and end up just feeling mad at him instead and all the more frustrated. Then I just end up crying. (which is what I am doing now). I actually have thought about having an affair, I have thought about leaving but I have been home with my kids for the last 21 years!


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Lavendar, I'm sorry you are so heartbroken. I wonder if he is refusing the shots because he is feeling depressed and hopeless. It's a viscous cycle with depression in many ways - feeling so depressed and hopeless that the person wonders 'why bother?'...

Has he give up other things that he used to enjoy? Does he have a lot less energy? Just wondering if there are signs the depression is the bigger problem of the two. Has he had a full panel done regarding HRC? Not just free testosterone.

Can you make an appointment with his doctor to discuss his problems? I realize he can't really discuss too much with you but perhaps if you tell the doctor the problems you are facing, he/she can help address them with your husband at an appointment.

I just think maybe if you can get him out of a severely depressed state that he would be willing to go back to the injections. Maybe needing an outside source of T is making him feel like less of a man and having a psychological impact as well. Would he be open to marriage counseling? 

You may have to start ignoring him as if he isn't even part of the family anymore. (Often referred to as "the 180" - turning your behavior toward him around 180 degrees - the opposite of what you are doing now.. no begging, pleading, crying - "going dark".) Or maybe even just start packing to jolt him enough to realize you are dead serious that you can't live a loveless life. This is more than just about sex - he just doesn't care about your needs and it's the not caring part that is hurting you so much. It may take you initiating a physical separation. Leave the kids, assume it's temporary. Go somewhere (a friend, family, a hotel if you can afford it) for a couple weeks and don't contact him. He needs to realize what he could loose.

But I'd start with talking to him about this and how it's hurting you and take each progressive step if you aren't seeing any changes. Hopefully it doesn't come to divorce or an affair but eventually someone will show you the attention he won't.


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## bild-a-loco (Jan 22, 2014)

Honestly, sounds like just plain old serious depression issues to me. The sleeping all the time, lack of interest in everything except his computer, that's classic heavy depression. Getting into the computer and/or video games is the common way for someone, especially guys, to "check out" of the world they're actually in for a little while - it's an escape from the reality around them. Probably not gay porn, he probably hasn't joined a terrorist sleeper cell, he's probably just seriously depressed. 

People hit a point sometimes where everything just seems hopeless, and if they stay there long enough without somebody pulling them out, voila, you have somebody who's decided it's better to just go through the motions of life without actually living it - it's safer for you emotionally. I was darn close to that a short while ago myself, but things are slowly getting better. 

The low T thing is so overblown these days because of the d#mned television commercials. Geez, guys have always had low T when they got older, it's just called "getting old." Now, since they have drugs to sell for it, it's a national crisis and you can blame everything on it. I've had low testosterone readings since I was in my twenties (now 50) and it never had a major effect on my sex drive. And I can tell you, personally, I felt rather anxious and hostile after taking T shots, so after having had a few of them years ago, I haven't had any since. There could be a myriad of reasons he doesn't want them - for me, personally, they notably altered my mood, and not for the better. 

I'd get him to a shrink and just look into the corridors of depression. Find out what's bugging him and then look for ways to make him feel special or have something to look forward to. When people have lost all hope, they give up trying - that sounds like where he's at. What you have to figure out is why he gave up hope, and what you need to do to put his head back into a better place. 

Good luck!


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## LavenderRose (Jun 28, 2014)

We had a serious talk night before last. I refused to go to sleep until we talked it out. I told him when we got married we agreed to never go to bed angry and I was tired of doing it. I told him everything that has been discussed here (but not that it was) and asked him why he was refusing his shots. He said that they just don't do any good. I asked him if he thought that had anything to do with never really having had them on a consistent basis so that he could get his T up to the level it's supposed to be at. He said maybe, so I asked him if I could give him his shot today and again in two weeks and then resume the tree week schedule he is supposed to be on. He thought that sounded like a good idea. He also agreed to try and spend more time with the kids and I and when he is in the bedroom on his computer to have the door opened more often (he always has the door shut and his headphones in with the room completely dark). He told me that his job is such that he just wants to climb into a cave and be safe when he gets home. (he works in a very high stress environment in the mental health field ironically) In his mind when we had the solution of the shot schedule he was free to go to sleep. I know he would NEVER deliberately hurt me or allow anyone else to either. but he has been so bogged down in his own world of stress from work, $$, his aging father, etc that he hasn't been able to see how truly deeply I was hurt by this. I really needed him to acknowledge that and agree to try to work on our relationship. He told me he can't do something when he isn't feeling it and I explained to him that it's more than sex I'm having an issue with and he could help me out at least! I also need affirmation from him, conversation, physical contact, I need to know I still matter to him as a person. We were talking a couple months ago when our daughter graduated from high school and I told him that I was worried that when all our kids were gone we were going to look at each other and realize we had nothing left. He thought I was being dramatic at the time. I think he is getting it a little better now. I over heard him talking to my daughter today. He asked her if he has been there for her and she told him "Not like you were when we were younger. I mean you have been there physically. and you have been there for the big important things but mentally? And emotionally? Not really." I think he has been thinking about what I had to say the other night. :smthumbup:. It makes me sad though. He is an amazing man, husband and father. He told me he has just been dead inside. I know that feeling. I have been there too and if it weren't for my kids I would still be there. I forced myself to pull myself together for their sakes because they needed me and I was no good to them and I knew it. You guys have all been so great and your comments have been right on. Thank you so much! I will let you know how things go from here. We are Jr. High sweet hearts and have been together for almost 30 years that is too long to just give up on.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

It sounds like depression, for what you mention he just didn't change his bahaviour towards you but towards everything, and is immersing in the virtual world to pass the days, so maybe is not about you is about him.

does he take something form depression already?


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## LavenderRose (Jun 28, 2014)

Yes he is on antidepressants, he also is taking blood pressure meds as well as meds for high blood sugar so all three of these things can really mess him up when you put them all together. He just changed his antidepressant a couple months ago. He says he doesn't have as many side effects and feels better but the isolation hasn't improved. I think it is an ingrained habit now though.


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