# Will I ever feel "together"



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

When I was younger, I use to look at 30 year olds and think they were adults, mature, accomplished and put together. Now that I'm here... I don't feel like this at all. I don't feel how I thought they looked when I was younger if that makes sense. 
I don't FEEL together all the time if that makes sense. I am always thinking about what I have to do, what I should be doing, my to-do-list never gets shorter. 
My question is for the women... will I ever feel put together? I can't tell if this is normal, or if it's just me. I know that people say your never going to feel ready (to do whatever the next move is), and for me this is how I feel. 
I'm not sure if I'm making sense or not.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I see 30 year olds and they have husbands and kids and they look "together". And I see other 30 year olds that are single, still without careers, still living like they are 20. 

I don't really know where I am getting at except... how I want to be, and who I want to be... I'm not and I'm having a hard time dealing with that. And I'm just wondering if this is normal? Is this will go away? If this is just 1/3life crisis or what. Any women have any thoughts or Input.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What you are feeling is pretty normal in that a person is a work in progress, which means thinking of where we are, where we want to be and how to get there is part of the human experience.

Do you question yourself every waking moment? Or are there times when your at peace?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

katiecrna said:


> I see 30 year olds and they have husbands and kids and they look "together". And I see other 30 year olds that are single, still without careers, still living like they are 20.
> 
> I don't really know where I am getting at except... how I want to be, and who I want to be... I'm not and I'm having a hard time dealing with that. And I'm just wondering if this is normal? Is this will go away? If this is just 1/3life crisis or what. Any women have any thoughts or Input.


Who do you want to be? And why are you not like that?


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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

When you get to 80, 30 and 40 and 50 and even 60 will look so good. I hope it's ok for a man to answer. The best you can do is live in the "now" which is the only real place that there is. It means that a person must develop an awareness of what is happening around them. Rather than focus on the past or the future focus on creating the life you want right this very moment. If it hurts walk away from it, if is pleases you walk towards it.

Make yourself the person everyone wants to be near with all of your actions in all of the moments your awareness comes to the front of your consciousness.

All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first, the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse’s arms.
Then the whining schoolboy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress’ eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honor, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon’s mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lined,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slippered pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side;
His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank, and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> What you are feeling is pretty normal in that a person is a work in progress, which means thinking of where we are, where we want to be and how to get there is part of the human experience.
> 
> 
> 
> Do you question yourself every waking moment? Or are there times when your at peace?




So I'm going to try to explain one of my problems... most people maintain a certain baseline. This is how my husband is, straight as a arrow, not big highs not big lows. But and I don't want this to sound like an excuse, but I have ADHD. So this is how it's been my entire life... I'm doing good for a while, my life is completely together and I'm organized and on point. You can tell when I'm like this because my house is OCD clean, I have a routine, and I'm good. But this doesn't last long before it all comes crashing down. And right now I'm down (which is probably Bc I'm stressed out Bc I'm taking my boards in 2 days). But when I'm not doing good... my whole life crumbles. Right now my house is a mess, papers everywhere, no food In the house, I haven't combed my hair in like 5 days. I literally get up, shower, put scrubs on and study and ignore the world. 

So even my husband says... I have to be a crazy organized control freak, and if I'm not then things come crumbling down. And I know this is an ADHD thing... we need to adhere to a strict routine to optimize our function. 

So I guess I'm just feeling like... is this going to be my life forever? Am I ever going to be stable and constant?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Who do you want to be? And why are you not like that?




I want to be a confident, successful women. Who wakes up and functions like a normal person. Who wakes up, gets dressed up, and goes out and functions normally. Who has friends, and hobbies and has a clean house, who plans ahead and cooks. 
Basically I want to be more normal and rational vs emotionally driven if that makes sense.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> I see 30 year olds and they have husbands and kids and they look "together". And I see other 30 year olds that are single, still without careers, still living like they are 20.


Looking around at lives of others, they may seem to have it all together and figured out but nobody really knows what goes on on behind closed doors. 




> I don't really know where I am getting at except... how I want to be, and who I want to be... I'm not and I'm having a hard time dealing with that. And I'm just wondering if this is normal? Is this will go away? If this is just 1/3life crisis or what. Any women have any thoughts or Input.


I turned 30 recently, I realised that having great expectations in life can lead to great disappointments. 

Also what is the definition of normal? 

You're interpretation of normal could be vastly different to my interpretation of normal. 

What does being a "normal, together" woman look like to you? 
What is your interpretation of it?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> Looking around at lives of others, they may seem to have it all together and figured out but nobody really knows what goes on on behind ?




And this is what got me thinking. At work, everyone thinks I'm so put together and so smart, and they always say like oh I wish I could have made better decisions like you did. One young nurse told me that he wishes he could be me when he grows up. And people say my husband and I are a power couple. And I was talking to my friend (who had the affair I talked about in another thread), and her life is like a complete mess and mine is way less complicated but I just FEEL like she handles it like a freakin boss, and I'm like a mess over here and I have no real issues like her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

katiecrna said:


> I want to be a confident, successful women. Who wakes up and functions like a normal person. Who wakes up, gets dressed up, and goes out and functions normally. Who has friends, and hobbies and has a clean house, who plans ahead and cooks.
> Basically I want to be more normal and rational vs emotionally driven if that makes sense.


Ok, so you have it together when there are no big stressors. Then something like your exams hit and fall part.

What I see from your above post is that when a stressor hits, you ignore the routine that helps you keep it all together.

What is the basic routine you need to keep sanity in your life?

Wake up
Shower 
Get dressed
Comb your hair (add this one to the basic)
etc.


There is a start.. make up a list of your basic routine. A lot of AD/HD people need this.

The plan for the times when there is a deviation to the norm... like the studying you are doing right now. You knew that this was coming, so you could have planned for it. Instead you let yourself sort of fall apart.

Other than this, it sounds like you are pretty much together most of the time.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Ok, so you have it together when there are no big stressors. Then something like your exams hit and fall part.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Yes I agree. It's certain stressors that throw me off. It's just frustrating because I get all consumed with the task that I neglect basic things. I've always been like this. I hope to God that this is just school/test related and I'm almost done for life... I can hopefully be and feel more normal.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'm in my 50s and pretty well known in my (small) field of study. I still feel like a kid play-acting, and waiting to be told I have to go home to have my dinner. That isn't all bad. I know that I'm good at what I do. I know that when necessary I can be as serious as needed to deal with problems. It just means that I haven't lost the fun of being a kid. 

OP, it sounds like your life is in good shape and you DO have it together most of the time, but sometimes there are problems "your whole life crumbles". But does it really? Have there been bad lasting consequences from the times when you didn't have it together?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

uhtred said:


> I'm in my 50s and pretty well known in my (small) field of study. I still feel like a kid play-acting, and waiting to be told I have to go home to have my dinner. That isn't all bad. I know that I'm good at what I do. I know that when necessary I can be as serious as needed to deal with problems. It just means that I haven't lost the fun of being a kid.
> 
> 
> 
> OP, it sounds like your life is in good shape and you DO have it together most of the time, but sometimes there are problems "your whole life crumbles". But does it really? Have there been bad lasting consequences from the times when you didn't have it together?




I feel like I always make pretty good decisions and I'm very responsible in that sort of way. 
I think it's more the superficial things that fall apart... house, chores, my looks. Maybe because I know those things aren't the priority so I let them slip while I concentrate on what I think does matter. Who knows. My husband can know so much about how I am doing and feeling based solely off of how the house looks lol.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> When I was younger, I use to look at 30 year olds and think they were adults, mature, accomplished and put together. Now that I'm here... I don't feel like this at all. I don't feel how I thought they looked when I was younger if that makes sense.
> I don't FEEL together all the time if that makes sense. I am always thinking about what I have to do, what I should be doing, my to-do-list never gets shorter.
> My question is for the women... will I ever feel put together? I can't tell if this is normal, or if it's just me. I know that people say your never going to feel ready (to do whatever the next move is), and for me this is how I feel.
> I'm not sure if I'm making sense or not.


I can't speak for women but every decade of life I feel more together. The main thing that happened is I learned that caring about how much stuff I have and what people think of me was not as important then what I think of myself. I also learned what really makes me an accomplished person. Again it wasn't in things and others or even successes and failures. It was how I handled all of those things. That is what I have direct control over, that is what I should be judged on. 

I see my wife feels a lot of guilt for things. If she doesn't have a perfectly clean house. If she says no to other people, family, work. (Not me so much, I guess that means she trust me. :scratchhead That seems like a hard way to live.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If you are aren't missing important stuff, then I think you are fine. 



katiecrna said:


> I feel like I always make pretty good decisions and I'm very responsible in that sort of way.
> I think it's more the superficial things that fall apart... house, chores, my looks. Maybe because I know those things aren't the priority so I let them slip while I concentrate on what I think does matter. Who knows. My husband can know so much about how I am doing and feeling based solely off of how the house looks lol.


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## lorikeet25 (Jun 22, 2016)

I am 44 and feel very much the same. My classroom is extremely organized because if it isn't I get distracted. 
I cannot stop something once I start, and have several other quirky traits that I try to keep to myself. 
I am good at what I do, but appearing to have it all together requires strict adherence to my routine. Changes in routine create chaos. I don't particularly mind chaos, but I know it is not productive. 
In any case, it gets easier, but that feeling that everyone is about to discover you are not as polished as they think, never goes away.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Accept your ADHD and roll with it. Learn to laugh about it. My cousin is manic/depressive and learned to take it in stride. She was a nurse, also, and it took her a while to come to grips with it. Life will be so much easier if you just let it happen.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> When I was younger, I use to look at 30 year olds and think they were adults, mature, accomplished and put together. Now that I'm here... I don't feel like this at all. I don't feel how I thought they looked when I was younger if that makes sense.
> I don't FEEL together all the time if that makes sense. I am always thinking about what I have to do, what I should be doing, my to-do-list never gets shorter.
> My question is for the women... will I ever feel put together? I can't tell if this is normal, or if it's just me. I know that people say your never going to feel ready (to do whatever the next move is), and for me this is how I feel.
> I'm not sure if I'm making sense or not.


First thing-Good luck with your boards! You'll do great! :smthumbup:

I think I can understand how you feel. I think it's different for everyone. However I've always felt like I am always "growing up". I'm 41 and don't feel like a true adult, but yet I know that I am. I feel like I'm just faking it. I'm not sure how to explain it. Many times, I would love to not be an ADULT and say **** it! That's not truly who I am though. I'm responsible and don't enjoy uncertainty in my life. I look at someone who is 50 years old and think "now, they're an adult". It's too easy to look at others and want their life even though you don't know what their TRUE life is like. Many are very good at presenting a front. Maybe we want it because it's different from ours; it's not ours. 

Gradually, I think I've started to accept who I am and this life that I have. Gradually.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

*Will I ever feel &quot;together&quot;*

@katiecrna do you have any coaches to help you out?

Your executive function is probably overloaded.

My Ds18 is in a top engineering school and is on max dosage of concerta. He has an academic coach and another ADHD coach he sees weekly. The school has been great for him but we had huge concerns as you can imagine.

The ADHD coach goes over his weeks plans and helps with planning, probably some prodding, and serves as a sounding board.

I honestly believe this is a lifetime requirement. He sees WAY more than most and therefore has too much to process. We routinely discard probably 50-80% of what you see and can not discard (my random estimate)

As you know many ADHD sufferers self medicate - I suppose it helps limit the input.

So I strongly urge you to seek weekly help to keep you in track and allow you to release some of the burden of trying to hold it all together. I don't think it's possible because you are attempting to hold way more than most.

As an aside, please realize that what you see is an illusion around you. People live the way they do and drive what they drive to create the appearance of being together. You will rarely find "true" people since you are around higher income people who value those appearances. I live in a similar area. People don't know what to make of us though - we have the means but not the values to "show" it - we're not poor but why would I drive a 17 year old sedan? It doesn't compute for this group (a: because I don't value wasting my capital on something to transport me 1 mile to the train)

So please try to turn off those "external wavelengths" that cause you to judge yourself and your relationship by other people's standards. It's not worth it.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

What does "feeling together" mean to you? If it's a list of achievements, then you'll never feel together, because there is _always_ sometime else that will need doing to that you'll want.

The only "together" that matters is that you are happy with who you are and the path you are on. Notice I said path, not destination - there will always be another destination. Your path should reflect your values and personal goals, whether or not you manage to actually achieve those goals.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> What does "feeling together" mean to you? If it's a list of achievements, then you'll never feel together, because there is _always_ sometime else that will need doing to that you'll want.
> 
> 
> 
> The only "together" that matters is that you are happy with who you are and the path you are on. Notice I said path, not destination - there will always be another destination. Your path should reflect your values and personal goals, whether or not you manage to actually achieve those goals.




For me, it's not a list of achievements, although I think people see this and think she has it together.

I just want to FEEL together. And I know that means working on peace within myself. Peace of the spirit I guess. A well organized, clean, simple, controlled life makes me feel at peace.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

*Re: Will I ever feel &quot;together&quot;*



TheTruthHurts said:


> @katiecrna do you have any coaches to help you out?
> 
> Your executive function is probably overloaded.
> 
> ...




Thanks for this post. I feel like you understand to a certain extent what it's like. And the hyper stimulus is everything and not many people get this point. That's why things always have to be simple, organized, clean and I need to FEEL in control. 
I too am on medication. 
My goal has always been to wean myself off because I know they aren't good for me. I don't know if you talk to your son about this but... when I'm on my medication I feel like the hyperstimulation is still there, but I have more control and I can choose to focus and I can choose to do what I want. When I'm off my medication I feel like I have a lack of control, like what I want to do I am unable to. Like I want to read this book... but I just can't because I can't choose to ignore the distractions. It's hard to explain I guess. And it's difficult to talk about because many outsiders just see us as lazy and I get that.

I don't have a coach. I never have. That's something I will look into once the dust settles.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> I just want to FEEL together. And I know that means working on peace within myself. Peace of the spirit I guess. A well organized, clean, simple, controlled life makes me feel at peace.


I think mindfulness meditation can help with that. It sustained me through my poor first marriage and divorce, and keeps me focused on what truly matters to me in my current life and relationship.
At least it helps me notice when I'm affected in some negative way (by external or internal events) that is contrary to that goal of peace and happiness, so I can deal with the distraction before it becomes a real problem.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

@katiecrna I get it. My son enjoys not being on his medication some weekends and then he can indulge his crazy 

He is fun and energetic and outgoing... but it can quickly get annoying for others which, as a parent, we hate to see. I think he can control his obsessions to some degree but has too much fun letting it all out.

As a kid he really doesn't have the responsibilities you do so isn't as interested in being in control.

He does not drink any alcohol so it doesn't interfere with his meds - he knows of a few kids a year or two older with ADHD who had to come home from college - very bright but unmedicated and therefore unable to stay on task.

Don't wait for any dust to settle before looking into a coach. It never settles! That's the whole point of this thread! 

Btw we also hoped to wean him off meds but looking at his success on meds and the very hard lives of those who are unmedicated.... we'll stick with the devil we know.

Your ADHD also makes me wonder about your relationship. That's an area we have concerns about for our son. Girls love him and he's trim,muscular, smart, musical.. but the ADHD requires a really patient person who is willing to understand. In your case, given your H's work stress and your ADHD I hate to say it but please realize you might be adding to his stress when he gets home. A person with your condition can make real demands on time and patience -and never really realize it. So please reflect and maybe cut him more slack than you might otherwise want to be because he's probably accommodating you in ways you aren't aware. Hope that wasn't too offensive 


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> @katiecrna
> 
> Your ADHD also makes me wonder about your relationship. That's an area we have concerns about for our son. Girls love him and he's trim,muscular, smart, musical.. but the ADHD requires a really patient person who is willing to understand. In your case, given your H's work stress and your ADHD I hate to say it but please realize you might be adding to his stress when he gets home. A person with your condition can make real demands on time and patience -and never really realize it. So please reflect and maybe cut him more slack than you might otherwise want to be because he's probably accommodating you in ways you aren't aware. Hope that wasn't too offensive
> 
> ...




YES! I am very well educated on my ADHD, and also understand how frustrating it is for someone to be married to us. Luckily my husband has been with me through high school. He's seen me on meds, off meds, together, a mess etc. He actually prefers me off my medication because he likes my personality better, I'm silly and I"m more fun. And the thing about our relationship... this might sound bad but it's the truth... he puts up with me, my moods, my crazy highs and lows, my weird obsessions. But I would not say he is very sensitive, and accommodating. He is like... this is just who you are, it is what it is. So although he never gets mad or shows frustration at the same time he isn't like... helping me. It's hard to explain. He is the opposite of me, and to be honest he's kind of detached and unemotional. Which has its pluses and negatives. He puts up with me, but there is a disconnect. My husband is a freak, super human, genius , athlete, no emotions, doesn't complain, doesn't express need. His mother and brother have both told me that he is very hard to connect with. He may not feel connected to me( or anyone), but I am super emotional I can feel connected to a plant, so I'm probably good for him in that sense, that I bring that to the table. 

I also think that he has his own set of issues (passive aggressive personality) that makes it hard and frustrating for me. Honestly, I can't believe we have made it this far, my ADHD, his PA, his 6 year residency, my masters. Kinda crazy.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

I really apologize for weighing in as you're understandably seeking a woman's perspective. 

All my life I've sought peace in my mind and heart. Externally I projected it, so I was also told, but internally, nope. 

Maybe it was the busyness of the day, goals, neglecting certain things, or the expectations I felt made calmness unattainable.

Today I feel adjusted and content in life and I'm not exactly sure why. I have a few clues but it's probably unique to me.

Anyway, I only wanted to say that I feel a sharp pang in my heart when I read stories like you're describing. I wish I had the power to remove it or the gift of a poet to give encouragement. All I can do is wish you well on the journey and say I understand.


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