# Ex Wife getting angry with my gf seeing my child



## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

Ok. been seperated 13 months. I have been dating another girl for 4 months. very casual as we only see eachother 2 days a week.

Anyway my exwife has send me a long email saying she doesnt want my new gf seeing our daughter when its my weekend.

I have my daughter every 2nd weekedn for 4 nights. She is 4.

I can see her jealousy or concern however i cant see the problem as long as i dont flood the firlfreind with my daughter as i dont and we are all only together for one of the 4 days.


any thoughts

it is my 4 days>>>????


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Too soon I think.

You want a GF keep it away from the kiddos until it is serious. 4 months is not long enough to be serious.

I have actually stipulated no GF for a good long while with the kids, as I believe it will confuse them. I have also indicated they must have child abuse clearances. I was the victim of my parents making foolish choices with those they trusted around us. Just because he wants to walk doesn't mean he gets to be stupid with their care.

Keep your GF separate from your parenting. When they are with you, be a father. You have the rest of the week to swoon the females.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you filed for divorce!!


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Depends, how strongly do you feel about your girlfriend.

If you think it's going no where best not to confuse your daughter.

However that said, your ex does not get to dictate to you who you have around your daughter, unless of course there is reason to be concerned. Things like abuse, alcohol abuse, drugs, and so on, would be cause for great alarm. Other wise it's really up to you.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

If you're ready for them to meet, then so be it. Four months seems long enough to introduce a "lady friend" to a four year old. 

It's not your wife's decision, but try to allay her concerns as best you can. Ask her specifically what she is concerned about.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My personal feelings... I've been separated for 2 years, and been seeing my GF for a good chunk of that. My kids are 12 and 14, and they haven't met my GF. And they won't until after I'm divorced and its finalized. What's the point to rushing things?

C


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## workingatit (Nov 13, 2012)

I would be pissed beyond belief.....


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

What's the status of the D?

They've been separated for over a year - that's a long time.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

My take. Forget what the your ex wants. What is good for your little D?

If it's casual why does gf need to be around D? Why does D need her around? D is there to be with Dad and spend time with him.

When it's your turn to have the kids why do you want someone else there anyway. Sounds like your time with D should be precious. Why involve someone 'casual' in that?

Guess what i am asking is why do you want her around D? Couldn't you just reschedule that day with GF every other week so it doesn't impact on D at all?


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

K.C. said:


> My take. Forget what the your ex wants. What is good for your little D?
> 
> If it's casual why does gf need to be around D? Why does D need her around? D is there to be with Dad and spend time with him.
> 
> ...


This is what I was trying to say, only you said it more eloquently.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

He wants to share that huge aspect of his life with his new GF. Nothing wrong with that if you're serious about the GF, but maybe he needs to think more about it if it's just casual. (Maybe he wants to test the GF?)


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

brendan said:


> Anyway my exwife has send me a long email saying she doesnt want my new gf seeing our daughter when its my weekend.


She's your wife not your exwife. If you're already in the divorce process you may refer to her as your stbxw. (soon-to-be-exwife).

Your wife has no legal right to prevent you from introducing your child to your girlfriend unless it's harmful in some way, however generally speaking it gives the wrong message to children when they see their parents in and out of various relationships and lets face it, after 4 months you don't know how long this one is going to last.

I'd give it at least 6 months before bringing children around significant others. And only if things looked really good for the future.


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## mad6r (Dec 31, 2012)

I wouldn't want my kids seeing my WS POSOM but that's just me. Even after were divorced. 4 Months might be too soon for a 4 year old IMHO.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I can see how your ex feels. She knows nothing about this woman you are casually dating, and doesn't know whether she'd be a good influence for a young girl. 

How would you feel if your ex started bringing a man home to be around your daughter, and you did not know him or what he's like or whether he hates kids or whether he's abusive or a drunk? Or if your ex brings home a new man every 4 months because she's "casually dating" them?

I'm not saying you can't or shouldn't introduce your gf, but please consider your wife's concerns, treat them with respect, and most of all, consider your daughter's best interests, not yours.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

brendan said:


> Ok. been seperated 13 months. I have been dating another girl for 4 months. very casual as we only see eachother 2 days a week.
> 
> Anyway my exwife has send me a long email saying she doesnt want my new gf seeing our daughter when its my weekend.
> 
> ...


This isn't about you. It is what is best for your daughter. Use the time you have to spend with your daughter.

Would you want your wife to bring endless numbers of strange men around your 4 year old?

If you were serious about the girlfriend meaning getting engaged married, then yes but casually dating when no divorce final, no.

You know this though.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I don't know.. 

I agree that you shouldn't introduce anyone to your kids that your not serious with. But I'm torn isn't that part of dating as well ? 

My son is 13.. He had a girlfriend. They broke up.. He understands the concept of dating.

I wouldn't want her to spend a night though, unless it was serious.

What I think is wrong is forcing your kids to move into an apartment with the OM they never met. That is what my wife is doing. And yes myself and the MC tried to explain what a poor idea this was. But she only cares about herself.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I was engaged at 6 months after hubby and I started dating. I had a 6 year old child and I introduced her to my husband fairly soon after we were dating(within the first month). I had been divorced for 5 years prior. What I did with my time was none of my exes business.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

will try and answer as much as possible...

+ my girlfriend would only see my D maybe 8 hours of the the 100 hours i have her....

+ only see my girlfriend on weekends as we both work and live 1 hour away. not seeing her at all one weekend would make it hard for us to continue IMO.

+ obviously have got to do whats best for D, but sometimes you got to look after your needs too after marriage break up.

Spoke to about 5 people at work about it today and 3 said "its been a year and your wife cant say that" and the other two said, "they can see where ex wife is coming from and might be to early"
AT least i can see both perspectives but my ex wife can only see one. I was going to have girlfriend over saturday from 10-6ish pm but i know my ex wife will ring me to talk to daughter all weekend and will ask her questions whens she gets home....it really is a tough one IMO. Girlfriend can see her point of view a little but said bad luck its been 13 months and D only sees her as daddys friend anyway.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

brendan said:


> Ok. *been seperated 13 months*. I have been *dating another girl for 4 months*. *very casual* as we only see eachother 2 days a week.
> 
> Anyway my exwife has send me a long email saying she doesnt want my new gf seeing our daughter when its my weekend.
> 
> ...


You mention that it is very casual, now is this only based on how often you guys see each other or on your feelings for her? Have you guys discussed where things would go after she meets your daughter?

I'm a father of 2 (D6,S4) and from my own perspective, 4 months is more than enough time to be dating someone before introducing them to your daughter.

The fact that you came here to ask for advice on it alone speaks volumes about how much you put your daughter first, which is great. You are correct though, you're wants (not needs) are also a factor into your new life with your daughter and yourself. 

If you feel that your girlfriend would be a good role model for your daughter and you are okay with her being around, then by all means, introduce them slowly.

As far as your ex and her 'worries', as long as your daughter isn't being morally or physically harmed, it's none of her business.


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## gbonham77 (Feb 21, 2013)

its not her business


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

ex wife blasted me, so i agreed not to have girlfriend around for time being with daughter. However i went to the races with some friends and daughter and i told my girlfriend to come for dinner there. She was there 2 hours, hardly even saw my daughter as she was running around playing with the kids.

dropped daughter back two days later to mother, 10mins later phone call abusing me because daughter had seen girlfreind. THUCK ME. she waw her a few minutes out of the 100 hours i have her. Now she does not want daughter coming to my 30th as my girlfriend will be there.

how can women lose the plot like this????

and she is putting it all over facebook. unreal


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

brendan said:


> ex wife blasted me, so i agreed not to have girlfriend around for time being with daughter.


Why do you still let your ex wife call the shots?

So what she blasted you?

You still have feeling for her. It's obvious. Otherwise you'd tell her to screw off and mind her own business.

I bet your girlfriend has an issue with this big time.

It could even cost you this relationship.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

brendan said:


> ex wife blasted me, so i agreed not to have girlfriend around for time being with daughter. However i went to the races with some friends and daughter and i told my girlfriend to come for dinner there. She was there 2 hours, hardly even saw my daughter as she was running around playing with the kids.
> 
> dropped daughter back two days later to mother, 10mins later phone call abusing me because daughter had seen girlfreind. THUCK ME. she waw her a few minutes out of the 100 hours i have her. Now she does not want daughter coming to my 30th as my girlfriend will be there.
> 
> ...


Ok, the problem here is your ex thinks she can tell you what to do.

Why do you allow her to treat you that way.

She has no right to blast you about this, it is not a life threatening thing.

You need to take control of the situation, let your ex know that you will do what you like - within reason. That you will not allow dangerous people around your daughter, that you will not put her in harms way, that your daughter comes first, but that you will make the decision about how the two of you spend your time and with who, when she is in your care. 

Refuse to argue about it with her. If she yells at you walk away or hang up and communicate through email.

She would be right to be concerned if you were swapping girlfriends every other week and they were staying over at your place the night.

But having a girlfriend is a normal part of single life. As long as you are respectful to your girlfriend, and if she stays over when your daughter is there it's because you are serious about her.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

It sounds to me like ex may actually have a history of abuse and this may be fueling these arguments. I have made the exact same stipulations in STBX because if my past history. It has nothing to do with controlling him and everything to do with my fear of someone hurting them. He chose to make three children with me. He refused to get sterilized in spite of me not wanting more and so I have three I am responsible for. I will fight until my dying breath to protect them. And knowing there are those in his family who feel it is o.k. To trust a pedophile, it causes me to fear all the more. 4 months is not long enough to be serious for me. 

You yourself said it was casual. At which point, they do not get to meet my children. Until are truly serious, you do not have the right to confuse kids that way. Their needs for stability outweigh our desires for companionship. 

This would be different if you were serious, but 4 months just isn't long enough in my book to be that serious. Kids don't need new significant others coming in and it of their lives. They need consistency.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

I think you need to thin what boundaries you think are acceptable. Then enforce them.

Would it be reasonable for her to have a new casual man around the kids? Would it be reasonable for her to agree to not do that but then do it anyway?

If you see this as a LTR then it affects what you do or do not do. I still don't see any reason to have a casual relationship come into contact with kids. They don't need to see parents move from one relationship to another. if you do see it as longer term though that is different.

Honestly, if the casual tag is apt, I think you are screwing up here. not because it is pissing the X off but for other reasons. 

How can she lose the plot? regardless of rights or wrongs, you said one thing and then did another. Few minutes or not.

Man, I read that back and it probably sounds very anti.. I don't mean to be, I just think you need to clarify what where you see you and new girl going along with what you think are reasonable boundaries regarding D and her.

For example, I could see the sense in not having time where it is just you, GF and D. No pretend family time if you like but in a group situation like casued this latest incident, maybe that is more acceptable.

Think about how you would respond to a potential "new Dad" being in the picture if the situation was reversed and then the X lied about it.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

daughter totally sees my girlfriend as "my friend " also, we never kiss or sleep together.

wife didnt let daughter come to my 30th as it was her weekend, what a cow


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

brendan said:


> daughter totally sees my girlfriend as "my friend " also, we never kiss or sleep together.


Yes, but on some level she understands that this "friend" is different to Daddy's other friends. 

And even if she only sees her as a friend then with a bit of regular contact she will get attached to her. If you split then you have to explain to a 4 year old why the woman she has come to think of has her friend as well as yours doesn't want to see her any more. That is rejection in anyone's book and you don't want to inflict that on a 4yo who is already damaged from divorce.

Although some people say its none of your XW's business, you are co-parenting - so that does give her some kind of say IMO. And it cuts both ways. As others have said, how would you feel about your XW introducing D to a "casual" boyfriend of 4 months? Simple rule of thumb - if you wouldn't be comfortable with XW doing it, don't do it yourself. Why? Two reasons - first, if you do it then you are inviting her to do it. Second, when you think about it the other way around your only consideration is the wellbeing of your D. And that should be your ONLY concern here.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

This is absolutely none of your ex w's business. She also can not withhold visitation from you either.

My ex h had a woman he was having an affair with move in 3 days after I left. I thought it was great since he'd leave me alone. Well, that didn't stop him from stalking me for over a year and begging me to come back. My ex h was furious when I engaged and remarried even though his gf was still living with him. I had to tell my ex h since I was moving. My ex was so angry he didn't see his child for nearly a year after. Not great for a 5/6 year old. 5 years into my marriage my ex had asked me to leave my husband. What a fool he is. I didn't speak my business to my ex, nor would I listen to his. I went my separate way. He wanted his cake and eat it too. He had several affairs on me. It's been 19 years and he still blames me for his miserable life.


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