# Husband told me he has always loved his female friend



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

But married me because she was not interested in him and she married someone else. Since our separation he started contacting her again, AND telling her everything about our marriage problems.

He compares me to her when we have an argument, and yesterday I asked "why didn;t you marry her then" - he said "I would have but she found someone else". I was devastated. For the past 12 years I thought he really loved me.

I guess not... I always knew about their friendship and has suspicions but he always assured me she was just a friend of 20 yrs. About 5 yrs ago she was always calling his cell, and I found out they were meeting (secretely) for lunch, etc. She is still married I believe. I asked him to cut contact and he did, but has resented me ever since.

I am so disgusted with him. What sort of person marries someone when he still has feelings for someone else? I feel our entire marriage has been a lie. A big fat LIE. 

I do not wish to play 2nd fiddle to anyone. He's been going on for a while about how he screwed up his life, yada, yada. I know why he's been saying this, now.

He still says he wants to continue MC. He is also having IC and tells me he thinks therapy will make him let go of "those feelings". I do not know if I could ever trust anything that comes out of his mouth, ever again. All along I've been 2nd choice. No wonder our marriage is a mess.

What should I do? I need some advice please.

ps. he moved home about 3 wks ago but sleeps in the spare room.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Call her H and tell him what's going on. Do this now!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Call her hubby and warn him about you husband, since it is clear he will try to worm his way in and break them up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I am not going to call her husband because 1. I am not going to be the one to break up their marriage and 2. I don't care about her husband, its his problem.

I am considering, however, calling HER and confronting her, and "thanking her" for wedging herself between my husband and I. She should have stayed out of our business. She should have stayed away from a married man, especially once she found out his marriage was in trouble, instead of being his "best friend" and getting involved with our problems.

I am conflicted about what I should do when ME from hereon out. Should I end it now - file for divorce and kick him out? Should I give him time while he goes through therapy to "learn how to let go of past feelings". Should I do nothing and continue MC?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's pretty easy to say you "love" someone when you only get them at their best, especially for 20 years. They share their BEST with each other. Of course they love each other. Well, he loves the IDEA of her.

It's different when you actually get that person and live with them, etc. 

The nerve of him to just say he married you because she wasn't available. That wouldn't sit right with me....I don't knwo what you should do, but I know you should be angry, sad, hurt, betrayed, etc.

I hope he gets his head of his ass before you decide to divorce him.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

You would not be breaking up their marriage, she's doing that. Or are you okay with her breaking up your marriage?


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

THAT GIRL: Hi again!! 

The therapist said his head is so far up his ass and he;s a confused little boy.

It does not sit well with me in any way. It was like the final nail in the coffin. Up until now I thought we were doing well, working on our relationship, MC and IC for both of us, talking, sharing and reconnecting. All that has gone when he told me this stuff. I nearly threw up.

Believe me: divorce is sounding better and better to me every day. Let him live the consequences of his poor decisions and maybe sometime I can find someone who truly loves me, and only me. What makes me sad is how many lives he has impacted by being a immature moron and making stupid choices. He has no boundaries with anybody, does not what approriate relationships are with different people and everything he has done throughout his life shows he is in no control of his life. He thinks nothing through.

I am so disgusted I don't even want to be around him anymore. I have nothing left to say to him.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Sorry you are in such a bad situation. I hope you can re-start your life and find the happiness you deserve.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Sorry for what you're going through. Don't feel obligated to stay married to him. After what he did to you, divorce is the least of what he deserves. I suspect that my WH hooked up with his ex and destroyed our marriage because he couldn't let go of the idea of saving her. Several damsels in distress were in situations that could clearly only be saved by his wayward co*k. They too played the "I'm your best friend and poor you that your wife sucks so let me give you this to make you happy" game. I felt more betrayed that he was trashing me while getting into their panties than just the cheating alone. I wanted to vomit when I first discovered all of this. Sometimes, I wish I could just file for divorce because it would make me feel less discarded and useless. I think you're going to feel conflicted for a while. He's in a fog and is saying crummy things to you because of it and it's okay to abandon him to it and find your way to someone who *does* care about you as more than just a back-up plan.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> I am not going to call her husband because 1. I am not going to be the one to break up their marriage and 2. I don't care about her husband, its his problem.


The husband is in a similar position as you are. Empathize with him. Wouldn't you want to know if you are in a similar position? You don't lose anything but 5 min of you life. He will stand to find out if his adult married life is a farce. Basic human empathy.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

You deserve better. Divorce him... don't waste another 12 years just for the sake of staying married. Find someone who will REALLY love you.


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## Guy66 (Nov 29, 2011)

I know exactly how you feel. Very similar situation with my wife.

Her high school "best friend"/part time boyfriend moved the last year of school and disappeared. 27 years later, he surfaces again through classmates.com and lives one state away. At first the connection was just a few emails back and forth catching up, but then quickly moved to private, daily phone calls and texts.

She swears to me he's "just a good friend" but I saw what she told his brother in FaceBook . . . she loves him, has always loved him, will always love him, and is her "soul mate". She told the brother "I don't think I could have handled him back then, but I think I could now." 

He just now split up with his 3rd wife. Our son and I are the only things standing in her way to being with the one she's always wanted, and she's torn. I would make the choice easy on her, but I need to do what is best for our son at this point.

It cuts deep to know that your spouse feels they "settled" because they thought the one they wanted would never happen. Being second place in a marriage is no good way to live.

For now, I'm giving her space and waiting. I can not compete with a fantasy. It will not try. I have decided that if she chooses to go be with him, my justice will be her being his 4th ex in just a few years. My revenge will be finding a real woman who loves me unconditionally for who I am, and being happy.

Sorry I don't have answers for you, but I know what you are feeling. These are tough decisions to make.


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