# Can't seem to trust him



## wish*he*cud*see (May 25, 2010)

Im looking for any advice that anyone can give. I've been married for 2 yrs. but in this relationship for 11 this coming June.

Before we got married my husband confessed to cheating on me with 2 other women. Since then i can't believe a word he says to me. It seems everytime I "try" I alway's find another reason not to. He says im in the wrong and i'll admit I look for it sooo...I have from time to time went through his phone and found that he is talking "dirty" to more than one woman! He claims he lets this happen because im looking for something so he'll give me something to find. Funny thing is one of them is one of the women he cheated on me with, another is supposed to be my "friend" who I confronted and said she was sorry and it would'nt happen again but it did, :scratchhead: and the most recent a chick that had the nerve to wanna meet me to reasure me that there was nothinng going on b/t them. But the things I read say different! I tried to let them be "friends" TRIED!

I just dont know what to do, he even got another girl under the same name as the "friend" but spelled with one extra letter so I would think it was her. This girl was telling him to have his son pick up somebody so they could have good sex like the other day!!!!

He swears on everthing he loves that hes not cheating but something in my gut just won't let me believe that! I mean why would someone say that if theres "nothing" going on?? So now he locks the phone when he goes to bed, keeps it on silent mode, and when I'm in the room he has it turned face down so I can't see who's texting. Ive been dealing with this crap for too long and am tired! My emotional state is very poor, and I feel as if my soul has been taken. How can I trust him?


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## kirkster5 (Sep 23, 2008)

wish*he*cud*see said:


> Im looking for any advice that anyone can give. I've been married for 2 yrs. but in this relationship for 11 this coming June.
> He is cheating on you. Even if he is not having sex with these women(which he is and you know it) he is having conversations with other women which are inappropriate outside the marriage. IMHO your husband is a real tool.
> Before we got married my husband confessed to cheating on me with 2 other women. Since then i can't believe a word he says to me. It seems everytime I "try" I alway's find another reason not to. He says im in the wrong and i'll admit I look for it sooo...I have from time to time went through his phone and found that he is talking "dirty" to more than one woman! He claims he lets this happen because im looking for something so he'll give me something to find. Funny thing is one of them is one of the women he cheated on me with, another is supposed to be my "friend" who I confronted and said she was sorry and it would'nt happen again but it did, :scratchhead: and the most recent a chick that had the nerve to wanna meet me to reasure me that there was nothinng going on b/t them. But the things I read say different! I tried to let them be "friends" TRIED!
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there, so sorry you have found yourself here, there are lots of folks here willing to help you...
From what you have said about his phone habits, I say he is hiding something.......
It is not right to keep secrets and have relationships with other women inside a marriage......
I would tell him I've had enough and give him his walking papers.
Tell him if he stops his behavior then you have something to work on.....if he isn't already having an affair with one of the women he is contacting then it's just a matter of time...
If you gut is telling you something it is probably true.....
Get snooping......voice recorder in his car, keylogger on the computer, private I, whatever it takes to set your mind at ease....


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## wish*he*cud*see (May 25, 2010)

I know he's hiding something and I can't get him to realize that what he is doing is wrong! I mean he blows a fuse if he finds out I went through his phone...but if theres nothing to hide what does it hurt? Ive looked into the spy phone things but if his phone is always locked how can I turn on the bluetooth? Doesnt it have to be on at all times to recieve the texts?
When he found out I had friended the last females boyfriend via facebook...Oooh my...I had 5 mins to delete him! WTF?? Why is it he can have "girlfriends" and I can't have my own friends? I was soo going to tell the guy what she and the hubby had going on but he couldn't keep his cool and she kept telling "hubby" about everything soo...anyways


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Actually, he IS cheating, and has for a long, long time. The problem is that he does not realize the seriousness and validity of the vows he made to you. He doesn't realize the importance of keeping his word (that is, not lying,) nor does he understand the requirements that are involved when you promise something to someone. In other words, he has not taken the time to discipline himself - to train himself to be faithful. He hasn't matured enough to make deliberate choices based upon things he says. He still acts from urges - what feels good RIGHT NOW he does.

The secret of a good marriage is to deliberately choose to honor your vows, and because you made that promise, you take the time, every day, to be sure you are displaying love toward your partner

And displaying love does NOT involve lying, turning to other people to get things you may be missing at home, or to sacrificing your relationship to get whatever urges you have at the moment. Your vow takes priority over your emotions, what you do should always be based upon the assumption that 'you promised' - hence that is where you start your activities.

So: sit down with your husband, and calmly ask him to stop chatting with other women, unless you are also an active partner in the conversation. He made a promise to forsake all others and to be yours - he needs to honor that vow.

Gather prints, evidence of his chats and emails, and save them somewhere safe. After that, let him know that this behavior is not something you can live with, and he has come to the place where he has to decide between them or you. Let him know you realize that is HIS choice, but that for you, personally, you can't live like that.

Tell him you love him, and are his friend - and leave it there. Let him decide.

There are more steps to take after you get past this.


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## wish*he*cud*see (May 25, 2010)

Tanelornpete, I have done all these things you have mentioned...nothing works!


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Tanelornpete, I have done all these things you have mentioned...nothing works!


They quite often do not, but its still a good thing to get them out of the way before you take more drastic steps. One thing that you'll have to work on is getting him to take you seriously. It sounds, from what you write, that he both takes you for granted, and also doesn't have a very high opinion of you.

We can change that. YOU can change that. You deserve respect from your husband. So...

I take it you still have evidence of his affair(s). Who knows about this? To whom have you shown this evidence? In essence, if you want to save your marriage, you are going to have to get a little assertive.

Right now is a good time to begin preparing yourself for self-sufficiency. Get your OWN bank account, your OWN bills, etc. Get prepared for life without him, if it comes to that 9hopefully it won't.) Even if it does not, you will have set up your family for emergencies of any type. 

And keep in mind that you DO trust him. The problem is that you trust him to do things that hurt you. What you WANT is for him to do things that help you, that comfort you, that make you feel safe. 

Since he is neck deep in affairs, he does NOT care for you. He cares for HIMSELF, and until it becomes more uncomfortable to avoid noticing what you are saying, he will continue to treat you the way he does. So just remember - you DO truest him - you are pretty much guaranteed that you can predict his actions. 

You can stay a step ahead of him.

Gather evidence, store it safely (so it cannot be lost, stolen or destroyed,) and then begin talking to people who have some influence over him....


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## wish*he*cud*see (May 25, 2010)

Thanks so much for the advice your giving me, Unfortunately I don't have the proof I need It's just all in my head because of them being text messages they were erased after I sent them to my phone (dang it) Im sure he'll slip up again and leave it unatended. 

I do have my own bank account and all the bills at the house and even the house are in my name. we had all of these before we got married.

It just hurts so bad to know the man your supposed to look up to and he's supposed to be there for you NO MATTER WHAT just really doesnt give a S**T about your feelings! Funny how he can tell me what im going to do but when I ask him to do something, oh I'm not his mama and he's a grown a$$ man n will do whatever he wants. In the past 2 months we have been on the verge of seperation, my youngest who is 6 just hates the fact that she will not be with her father while my oldest is telling her " she said we could see him anytime we wanted" so truley she can tell that its not good around here. I really don't wanna leave because i mean I love this man obviously I have been with him 11 years, he's all I know! Just wish he'd change.


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## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

Oh, this story is way too familiar. I just ended a 17 year relationship with my boyfriend/friend/lover/fiance...whatever you want to call him (depending on what role he wanted to play which day). I saw the same behaviors and heard the same lame excuses. I know that he loves me and I love him very much..mind you I do not have any kids and we were not married (for this very reason). Understand if you stay and try to work it out, it is going to take a lot of determination, you have to stop looking at his stuff (even if you know there is something there you don't like), and you have to...well you have to do alot (you will find the way). I personally found it to be way too much and the fact that I could not trust him and I could not get over it, he continued the same patterns of behavior and seemed to care so little that he didn't even value how it made me feel, I felt the best thing for me to do was to leave (no kids-no marriage...much easier for me). 

Whatever you choose, it will be a choice made from your heart and it will be ok. Just remember that everyday/every moment it is a choice. Just please please please...do not buy into the i do it cause you are looking for something. NO! It is not something that is expected in a committed relationship and he needs to show (when you are looking through his stuff) is that there is nothing going on, that way you can feel that you have confirmed there is nothing going on etc. (problem is, depending on how deep your distrust goes, you may just feel he is still hiding things...deleting them ASAP etc. and so it is going to make you feel more uneasy). It is a vicious cycle....if you guys can get some counselling, this may be the time to do so. 

Best of luck. Being in love is the hardest emotion I have ever experienced...I hope things can be repaired and you can be happy and content again (it is not overnight though).


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## wish*he*cud*see (May 25, 2010)

Ok so heres where im at today. Last night i get up around 1:30 in the AM to use the bathroom and notice that he jumps back really quick...I get half way to the bathroom and hear something hit the floor. I knew it was his phone, I Immediately turned around and went over to it and tried to grab it. So we are wreslting over the dang phone for like 20 mins. Finally he lets me see the texts and its the B**ch that he cheated on me with. WTF!!!! the same one frome the earlier post that said something to him about having good sex or whatever. She was trying to figure out if he was texting or if it was me. She was asking him things like whats my dogs name, mothers name, what kinda tattoo did she have and were was it?!?!
I have talked to her from his phone before so she was making sure it wasnt me. So I called her from our house phone and get no answer, I leave her a message that if she can text my husband at 1:30 in the morning that she might as well call the house and talk to him. so today when he gets home from work he shows me a text she sent telling him that she was turning her phone off for a while to let it rest and that if I called her phone again she was gonna get me for harassment...Are you serious????? she and I have text each other before and she has told me that they have been sleeping together for 4 yrs, EVEN in MY car...How am I harassing her? OMG I swear. I wanna $%&# her up so bad! The nerve of that B**ch.


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## Quads123 (May 27, 2010)

wish*he*cud*see said:


> Ok so heres where im at today. Last night i get up around 1:30 in the AM to use the bathroom and notice that he jumps back really quick...I get half way to the bathroom and hear something hit the floor. I knew it was his phone, I Immediately turned around and went over to it and tried to grab it. So we are wreslting over the dang phone for like 20 mins. Finally he lets me see the texts and its the B**ch that he cheated on me with. WTF!!!! the same one frome the earlier post that said something to him about having good sex or whatever. She was trying to figure out if he was texting or if it was me. She was asking him things like whats my dogs name, mothers name, what kinda tattoo did she have and were was it?!?!
> I have talked to her from his phone before so she was making sure it wasnt me. So I called her from our house phone and get no answer, I leave her a message that if she can text my husband at 1:30 in the morning that she might as well call the house and talk to him. so today when he gets home from work he shows me a text she sent telling him that she was turning her phone off for a while to let it rest and that if I called her phone again she was gonna get me for harassment...Are you serious????? she and I have text each other before and she has told me that they have been sleeping together for 4 yrs, EVEN in MY car...How am I harassing her? OMG I swear. I wanna $%&# her up so bad! The nerve of that B**ch.


I am so sorry to hear this... What are you going to do now?


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## zeroeightthirty (Jun 2, 2010)

As with other threads...the ultimatum needs to be put into place.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

wish*he*cud*see said:


> Tanelornpete, I have done all these things you have mentioned...nothing works!


 That's because you're not willing to stand up for yourself. You're not willing to walk away from him, and he knows it.

Only when you wise up and realize he USES you and LAUGHS at you for being so naive will you be able to walk away from a guy who has NO love nor compassion for you - only himself.

Honestly, if you had just met him, and watched him cheat on you multiple times in the first few months, would you stay? 

So why are you staying now?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

wish*he*cud*see said:


> Just wish he'd change.


Why should he?

Seriously, why should he?

You let him cheat on you in obvious ways, and do nothing.

Please kick him out so that your children can see you respecting yourself. If you don't, they will grow up to do exactly what their parents do - be a doormat with no self-esteem or an abusive cheater. Kids do exactly what their parents do.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

wish*he*cud*see said:


> OMG I swear. I wanna $%&# her up so bad! The nerve of that B**ch.


Your fear of abandonment is SO huge that you are unwilling to blame your husband for what HE IS DOING. 

You think that if you blame it all on her - and all the OTHER women he's been cheating with - you can justify staying with a man who _does not love you_.

If nothing else, PLEASE get into therapy and try to learn some self esteem, for your kids' sakes as well as yours.


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## wish*he*cud*see (May 25, 2010)

I do realize that it is not all her fault and I tell him that all the time. That if he'd cut contact we wouldnt be having these problems. He still thinks he isnt doing anything wrong cause he's "not sleeping with them" I don't believe that anyways. I wanna go but then I don't. Ive been with him for 11 yrs. and he's all I know. My youngest daughter really hates it when we argue cause she dont want to loose her daddy. That makes it hard in its self. Maybe your right I do need to grow some "balls" and go through with it so he knows im really tired of the crap he is putting me through.

This morning he texts to tell me "ur still evil" I told him I had every right to be that i'd been nice long enough, he said "well being hateful is definetly not going to get me no where." So I tell him that being nice is getting nowhere either so Im damned if I do and damned if I don't , he then says "trying to get in a pissin contest is not good" (OMG) I then tell him Im not trying to piss anymore, Im tired of begging MY HUSBAND to leave some one else alone. He then changes the subject.

Im not in any way trying to justify what he is doing. I just need to stick to my guns and tell him to burn the road up. If he wants to act single then he should be! 

Its almost to the point were im numb, there arent anymore tears when things like this happens i guess cuz im that fed up with it?!?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sit down and Google some lawyers. Pick one and let the lawyer show him the road.


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## brs597 (Jan 19, 2010)

turnera said:


> Why should he?
> 
> Seriously, why should he?
> 
> ...


Of all the things tunera has written I do not agree with, this one is 100% on target. I am in your husbands shoes right now and I can HONESTLY say that could possibly be the only thing to wake myself up. When I can continue on with two lives in front of her face everyday I lose more respect for her everyday. Do you really want a husband who stays with you out of pity?


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## grlygrl (Jul 1, 2010)

wish*he*cud*see......been reading your story and I'm so sorry with what has been going on. I wish I had some advice for you. All I can do it understand where you are at....how are things? Did you decide to show him the road? many hugz to stand up for yourself if you are still struggeling.

uh...brs597...don't mean to hijack the thread but couldn't help but wonder what you meant by beilng in his shoes right now? are you not fixing things nemore (saw your other posts, hope you don't mind!)...or is there another A? 

Don't mean to be nosey or anything, just have been lurking for awhile and starting to post.


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## Lostandunsure (Jul 1, 2010)

Please, please, please don't stay with this man. This goes against everything in me to say it, but he will continue to hurt you and your children like this. That's an important fact. He's cheating on your children too. I lived with a man like this for 2 1/2 years and had a daughter with him. It wasn't easy (it never is) but it was the best decision I could have made for my daughter and for me. You CAN live happily without him. It will hurt, but the pain will ease. I just hope that this doesn't ruin your view of men altogether. God bless!


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