# Money issues



## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

Ok. I don't even know where to start. I'll do my best to explain the situation and then you can tell me if I'm being too petty. 
The thing is, I already told you that I have a husband who is addicted to gaming and he spends way too much money on paying for servers, computers...
Anyway, the thing is that today he needs to pay $460 for his servers and he also decided to get another one too which will be another $329 per month. You might think that that's ok as it is his hobby but I am really fed up as he told me that he has to pay registration and insurance on his car which is $1145 and it has to be paid by tomorrow and he hasn't got enough money. I asked him what happened to $300 I deposited in his account last week and he told me that he spent it on getting a new external hard drive. He never told me about it. And what is really pissing me off is the fact that he has $2000 in speeding fines that are way overdue. I used to be stupid enough before and used to pay his fines so that he wouldn't lose his license but then I told him he has to start paying for them as I don't have enough time running around paying for these (can't pay on line, have to go to licensing center). Not one fine has been paid since. And now that is my fault. He earns good money but he's always broke. That is the reason why I closed our joint account. I got sick of going to do food shopping and when I go to pay for it there is no money. Now he has his account and I have mine. Our agreement was that he was to pay mortgage and save some money and I was paying for all the other bills. But that's not working out anymore. I end up paying for everything and he just uses his pay as "spending money". What person needs to spend that much money? I really resent him now because we both get paid weekly (on Thursdays) and by Monday he's asking me for money. BUt what really pissed me off today was what he said to me. These are his words "I really don't understand why you are complaining that I spend so much money when you have a nice house and everything you want. You have nice things and new furniture. You wanted a new kitchen and you got it. What else do you want from me?"
Now let me explain. We bought this house because we made some money on real estate when there was a boom and I had to force him to do that with me because "do we really need to go through all that hassle?". Also, the new kitchen I got I paid for and saved some money by doing certain things myself. All the new furniture I bought I saved for for ages. We didn't go out and use credit cards like he suggested. 
He is so quick to point out that we are doing ok but it's not thanks to him. But when he told me today that if I'm not happy I should leave and then I can see how hard it is to live in the "real" world, it really got me thinking. If I can pretty much support kids, me and him why couldn't I support me and the kids. He hasn't paid for anything for the last 4-5 months. What is stopping me????  I am going nuts here. No idea what to do. I tried to write a list of things why I should stay with him (very short list) and a list of reasons why I should leave. I thought that might help but I feel torn. I keep thinking of what he told me few months ago and maybe that's the reason why it's so hard to decide. He said to me that if I was to leave him he would go back to drinking heavily and taking drugs and non of us would see him again. I asked him what about the kids and he said "DO you think that they would wanna know me if I'm always drunk and high? It would be better for them not to see me." I know it would be his decision to go back to that but I think that I would feel guilty. Stupid, aren't I? I really don't know anymore. Am I being petty by worrying so much that he will get us into debt again? 
I love my job and love going to work but sometimes I feel it's all for nothing. We both earn really good money and now I am beginning to resent him because he spends it all and has fun doing it while I try to save and pay all the bills and if I do spend money on something he tries to make me feel guilty. Like that stupid kitchen. He told me that I don't need one. Old one was good enough. And do I have to go to my hairdresser all the time. Why can't I find a cheaper one? What? I spend $150 on my hair every 2 months and he spends $460 every month on his gaming. And now it will be more. 
I AM SOOOOOOOOOOO MAD!!!!:soapbox:
Am I really over reacting?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Well point out that if you getadivorce he will be FORCED to pay child support, and since you already pay all the other bills you can live in the real world. Can he?

draconis


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## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

That's exactly my point. He has no idea what real world is as even his so called friends are people he met online playing this stupid game and he lost all his real ones. 
And when it comes to child support....Well, he told me that I earn heaps of money so I don't need any more and if I asked for it he'll quit his job. Now, how childish is that????


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## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

Please forgive me. Since I basically just got out of a relationship that mirrors yours, I am going to be very blunt in my response/opinion.

Tell him he must give you 25% of his pay each week to go towards the bills (especially if he stopped paying the mortgage). And if he doesn't?.....
KICK HIS SORRY A** OUT. Go get an attorney, draw up divorce paperwork and the paperwork to get him out of the house. I don't know what state you live in, but make sure you get the house after the divorce and don't have to share any equity in it with him.
Push for child support. If the bum wants to quit his job, let him. Then he'll be crying because he can't afford all that gaming junk.

He is a child who has never grown up. He is using you and taking advantage of you. To say he will go back to doing drugs and alcohol if you leave him? That is mental abuse and shame, shame on him for doing that.

You are a woman who has it together. You can take care of yourself and your children. You don't need his money. I'm proud to see a woman who can do that. 

Kick that sorry excuse for a husband to the curb.


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## Guest (Nov 6, 2008)

Aceso, I think I somewhat mirrored your husband. He is using the position he is in with his gaming to give him a level of importance and dominance in his other world environment. It's what I got out of doing what he is doing. Think of it as being able to have an existance in an alternate reality that you either can't or don't have the same ambition to do in the real world.

For me, I truely love my wife and feel very passionate about her. I know her demeanor and when she told me she was strongly considering leaving, it woke me the hell up. Can you make your point with him obvious enough that he will stop his crash course? 

From me to you, my apologies for you having to feel the way you do. It isn't right to you and it isn't what companionship is about. My request to you is lay it on the line and let him know he is losing you. That this is his problem, not yours to fix. Though be 100% supportive and join him in taking those steps if he is truely wanting to save your marriage. It's what I am asking my wife to do now and hope she is willing to learn to love me again.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

*Aceso* said:


> That's exactly my point. He has no idea what real world is as even his so called friends are people he met online playing this stupid game and he lost all his real ones.
> And when it comes to child support....Well, he told me that I earn heaps of money so I don't need any more and if I asked for it he'll quit his job. Now, how childish is that????


Actually it doesn't work that way. They will look at his last thre years pay and base it off of that, they will take state and federal returns. Even if he doesn't make enough to cover the child support they will bill him for it. He will owe the money, forever be in debt with bad credit. Hee isn't living in the real world at all.

draconis


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## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

Thank you all for making me see that I am not over reacting like my husband says I am. I really tried to talk to him last night about money issues and I tried to explain to him that I feel like I'm being used because I am paying for everything and taking care of the house, kids...and how I'm feeling tired due to the fact that I am carrying everything while he's doing whatever he wants and doesn't have any responsabilities and he told me that I chose to go back to work so it's all my fault. He told me that I should quit my job and find a part time one so that I would have enough time to take care of the kids and the house. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He knows how much I love my job and there is no way that I am going to quit. I love what I do and all the people at my work are great so there is no way I could ever go and work somewhere else where I'm not going to be happy.
Anyway, one of my friends made a good point today and please tell me if that makes sense to you. She said that he might be threatened by the fact that I earn more money then him and that I get along with people at work. We both work for the same company but for different departments and even though I have only been there for just over two years (and he for 7) I got more promotions. I know that he might feel bad about that but I worked very hard to get where I am and I didn't take days off because I spent all night playing on the computer. 
Do men really feel threatened when women earn more money? You know, I thought we were supposed to be a team.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

*Aceso* said:


> Do men really feel threatened when women earn more money?


im sure some do and some dont. but this brings up an interesting poitn that Jason pointed out. he said he likes to play those games b/c he gets a sense of dominance and accomplishment. Jason said it gives him a feeling of importance. So it might be in your H's case that he does feel extremely inferior to you and that's why he retreats to his games.

but i dont think you're overreacting at all. Luckily this is the one issues i do not have in my marriage. i feel money is literally someone's life in currency and should be respected as if it was the persons life.


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## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

Yeah, what Jason said makes lots of sense but now I am trying to figure out if it's worth working out or should I just end it. As soon as I bring up his spending he tells me that I am constantly attacking him and he feels like I'm treating him as a child. He tells me that he's a grown man and he can spend HIS money any way he wants. 
I know I can do it all on my own so why am I still stuck here? Why is it so hard to make that final decision? I am not even sure if I still love him anymore. But I know that I have lost all the respect for him. I think that a man should be taking care of his family and not ignore it like he does. He's not there for me or the kids. So why am I still thinking what to do???


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

*Aceso* said:


> So why am I still thinking what to do???


I guess you're just not ready to let go yet. im sure you've been through a lot with him and its hard to just leave it behind. maybe you still have some hope that things will change and you're not ready to leave? Do you think there's any hope that things could get better?


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## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

Maybe you just feel like you've invested all these years in the marriage and can't believe they might have been wasted years in some sense? For me, leaving almost makes me feel like I have failed in some way, even though I know I have tried my best to make things work over the years. I was the Good Wife - it has just taken me a long while to figure out that good is never going to be good enough...but I am still here too...


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## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

Yeah, maybe I am hoping that things are going to get better. I mean, I have gone through so much with him. Drugs and alcohol abuse, big debt because he has no idea how to budget, his addiction to gaming...The list is endless and it has got better in the last few months (no heavy drugs, he's not drinking himself stupid every day...) but I am still not happy. I keep thinking what would it be like to live in a house with just me and the kids and that makes me smile. Just a thought that I wouldn't have to put up with his bad moods and childish dummy spits every time he can't get things his way...How much easier would that be?  And the thought that I wouldn't have to be picking up his dirty socks from the living room floor. See, everything about him annoys me. I can't stand the fact that he sits on our sofa in his dirty work clothes. I just bought that sofa few months ago and it's already looking old. Carpet in our bedroom has ink stains on it because he walks through in his work boots (he's a printer). He just doesn't care what so ever. He's not house proud at all. He used to be years ago but now he just doesn't care. He's answer to it all is "I don't care. We'll buy a new one." How? When? And are we going to replace things every few months because it's easier then to actually take care of the things we have? Just spend, spend and spend. I wonder if he thinks that money grows on trees.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

ya when i was a kid my house went to crap b/c my parents gave up trying to keep it together. i could see that happening with all your frustrations. that would annoy me to death, too. my H can be a bit of a slob (but then so can i) but i wonder how it'll go when we have kids. its not a big deal now b/c i have the energy to clean everything, and i really dont mind, but i wonder when we have kids what'll happen. he likes a clean place but isnt willing to clean...go figure. 

just for me personally, i'd like to think i wouldnt care that much if my H made things look trashy. i know my mom did that to my dad and it destroyed their marriage. and the house went to the dumps, too. so that to me was a lose/lose situation. it seems to me that if you're going to lose something- the couch or the marriage- it'd make more sense to lose the couch. but im not in your situation and im only speaking from watching my parents go at it over the dishes not being done, or the laundry, or whatever. Now that im all grown up, its sad to me b/c the dirty house wasn't a big factor in my emotional health, but the fighting was. 

Of course spending all the money on games, etc would be a big deal to me. Maybe you can get separate bank accounts?

maybe you just need to separate for awhile to clear your head? sounds like you've been through a lot with him.


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## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> ya when i was a kid my house went to crap b/c my parents gave up trying to keep it together. i could see that happening with all your frustrations. that would annoy me to death, too. my H can be a bit of a slob (but then so can i) but i wonder how it'll go when we have kids. its not a big deal now b/c i have the energy to clean everything, and i really dont mind, but i wonder when we have kids what'll happen. he likes a clean place but isnt willing to clean...go figure.
> 
> just for me personally, i'd like to think i wouldnt care that much if my H made things look trashy. i know my mom did that to my dad and it destroyed their marriage. and the house went to the dumps, too. so that to me was a lose/lose situation. it seems to me that if you're going to lose something- the couch or the marriage- it'd make more sense to lose the couch. but im not in your situation and im only speaking from watching my parents go at it over the dishes not being done, or the laundry, or whatever. Now that im all grown up, its sad to me b/c the dirty house wasn't a big factor in my emotional health, but the fighting was.
> 
> ...


I understand what you are saying about messy house and all the other possessions but it is driving me nuts. You know, it's not so much about the "sofa" as such. The thing is that he has no respect for the things that make me happy (like a nice house) but if I was to walk into his computer room and damaged one of his "babies" he would kill me. Once kids were playing on his newest computer and they left few finger prints on the screen he went crazy and yelled for days and days. Do you see my point now? 

And for the bank accounts...We do have separate ones now because I used to go to the bank to get some money out and our bank account was empty even though there was supposed to be heaps of money in it. He is a kind of person, if he wants something he has to have it right now. He can't wait for few days or weeks. He just has to have it that minute and if he can't then he expects me to go and borrow money from my mum. How stupid is that? But then if I want something or kids it's too bad. "you should really think first do you "want " it or "need" it." THat's word for word what he says. When winter was about to start and I had to buy kids winter school uniforms he told me I waisted my money because I got them 3 uniforms each. Apparently one each would've been enough. I tried to explain to him that I don't have time to wash their school uniforms every day and he told me that I should manage my time better. That way I'd have more time to do washing and whatever else needs to be done.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

*Aceso* said:


> I understand what you are saying about messy house and all the other possessions but it is driving me nuts. You know, it's not so much about the "sofa" as such. The thing is that he has no respect for the things that make me happy (like a nice house) but if I was to walk into his computer room and damaged one of his "babies" he would kill me. Once kids were playing on his newest computer and they left few finger prints on the screen he went crazy and yelled for days and days. Do you see my point now?


Ya totally see your point. i think my parents felt much the same way. they had some deep resentment for each other and they just argued over 'safe' areas, like the couch and stuff. 

When i was in the middle of some issues with my H i remember little things like the dishes, or him leaving his shoes places, would really bother me. But if I even got a finger print on his computer he'd flip. his computer is his baby. He actually told me its b/c its the only thing he feels belongs to him. He's kinda like your H, actually. he's very protective and possessive of it. 



*Aceso* said:


> And for the bank accounts...We do have separate ones now because I used to go to the bank to get some money out and our bank account was empty even though there was supposed to be heaps of money in it. He is a kind of person, if he wants something he has to have it right now. He can't wait for few days or weeks. He just has to have it that minute and if he can't then he expects me to go and borrow money from my mum. How stupid is that? But then if I want something or kids it's too bad. "you should really think first do you "want " it or "need" it." THat's word for word what he says. When winter was about to start and I had to buy kids winter school uniforms he told me I waisted my money because I got them 3 uniforms each. Apparently one each would've been enough. I tried to explain to him that I don't have time to wash their school uniforms every day and he told me that I should manage my time better. That way I'd have more time to do washing and whatever else needs to be done.


wow he does sound really irrational when it comes to money. that's good that you have separate accounts. the ironic thing is it sounds like he thinks you're the one that is bad with money.


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## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

Yeah, I'm the one who is bad with money . That's why he asked me for some today. It's Sunday, he got paid on Thursday and it's all gone. And then on top of that he took my car because he had no gas in his but also took his car keys and I haven't seen him since 11.00AM. Now it's 5.30PM. He was only going to the shop to get smokes. LOL! Wouldn't it be funny if he never comes back?  We all heard those stories, right? Ha ha ha!I should be so lucky.


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## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

What a night. Me and the kids were having a dinner and then our son asked me "When is daddy coming home?" I told him I didn't know and he started crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said that dad told him the other night that he was going to take him somewhere on the weekend. Now weekend was over (Sunday night here) and that's why he was sad. My heart was breaking but I didn't know what to say to him. I just gave him a hug and told him that next weekend I'll take him anywhere he wants to go and we are going to have the best time ever. Anyway, then our daughter who is seven said:"I don't know why are you sad when dad always does things like that. You know you shouldn't believe him." THat's when I wanted to say many things but decided not to. I don't want to let the kids know how much I hate living like this. How much I hate living with their father. 
Anyway, while we were talking my daughter asked me if keeping things from someone is same as lying. I said that is quite the same and why is she asking me. She told me that their dad took them to the bar many times and told them they are not allowed to tell me and he has taken them to his friend's house. He is not supposed to drinking because he gets angry and yells and breaks things. He swore to me the other day that he is sober. And the friend he went visiting....Well, he and that friend used to get high on speed and heroin before and after I caught him doing it and threatened to kick him out he promised he will never see him again as they were only "drug buddies" anyway. What the hell was he doing at his house anyway, especially with kids there? But the funny part is that only 2 weeks ago I thought that he was high so I asked me and he told me that I am crazy and I believed him. Now I am not so sure.
Anyway, my stupid husband came home tonight drunk as a skunk just as I was putting kids to bed. I told him I know everything and also I know that he was borrowing money again (I bluffed) and he told me that it's not true but then when I didn't say anything else (I was calm) he broke down and told me that he went to the pawn broker yesterday and borrowed $200. What????? I never even suspected that. What man who earns nearly $100 000 a year needs to borrow money from a pawn broker??? 
Right now I don't wanna talk to him. He's drunk and I am angry but I think I am going to leave him. Once more I am asking, am I over reacting or should I leave this sorry ass behind?


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## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

IMHO...not overreacting at all. He is being a selfish jerk, and a stupid a**. He has a family for pete's sake and is totally failing to take his resonsibilities as an adult, a father and a husband at all seriously. It seems your daughter has already given up on him, and your son is just trying to understand why Daddy doesn't love him enough to fulfil promises. He is using your kids to protect himself from being exposed, and that is just wrong. 

You know you can manage on your own because you have been doing it all along. You have the strength and the financial resources, and will (I'm sure) have the support of family and friends. It is not wrong or mean, or cruel of you to want a better, happier life for your children and for yourself, and to have them grow up with a healthier concept of what marriage involves, rather than just putting up with whatever crap their future spouse decides to dump on them.


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## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

It's 9.45AM. I dropped kids off at school and now I'm sitting here waiting for him to wake up. Both of us have a day off today so I wanna talk to him while kids are at school and not around. Yes, he's still sleeping because he stayed up all night playing his stupid game and drinking some more. I was thinking about running into the bedroom and yelling at him from the top of my lungs but decided that it would be stupid and not really productive. I'm going to sit here and wait until he wakes up. That way I will have enough time to think of what to say and he will not have an excuse to yell at me because he didn't get enough sleep. Anyway, I decided that it's time toput my foot down and lay some laws and if he doesn't like it he can leave.

1. He can play his game for an hour every day and as much as he wants when me and kids are not around.
2. No more buying computer stuff.
3. He will have to work out how much money he needs every week for spending money and that's all he can have.
4. He has to help with kids homework every 2nd night.
5. He has to drop kids of at school and pick them up on his days off. (2 days a week)
6. Every Saturday morning he will have to help with house/garden work.
7. Every Sunday he will have to spend a day with his family doing fun stuff. 
8. He will have to come out with me on a date at least once a month.
9. He will have to eat dinner at the table with us and not in front of the computer.
10. He'll have to come to parent/teacher nights with me.

That's all I got for now. So if he can't agree to all of these he's out. I am sure I am not asking much from him, just what every responsible father and husband should do.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

wow ya you are definitely not overreacting. he's way outta control. He's putting your kids in harms way by taking them to the bar with him and to that persons house, not to mention then telling them they cant tell you. what an awful situation for your kids.

thats good you're going to put your foot down. what are you going to do if he wont agree to everything? what happens if he does those things for a month or so, but then slowly stops doing what you asked?


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## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

I spoke to him today. I was calm but he was yelling. Still, didn't get that upset me. I told him how I need him to grow up and told him that I am not putting up with it. He told me that he didn't see why I am all of a sudden making an issue. Oh, and him drinking last night was my fault. I made him angry. Once again, what???? What did I say or do to make him angry? All I got from him is "You should know." 
Anyway, after about an hour of me trying to explain how he made me feel and how I didn't wanna feel like that anymore. Then I tried to paint the picture of what is going to happen if he doesn't change and I think that got through to him. He freaked out and to cut the long story short, he's willing to do anything.

You asked what if he doesn't change? Well, I hope he does but if not....I will end it. I am. At least I know I tried my best. I gave it a shot so I will never have to wonder "What if...?"


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Wow. I give you credit for staying calm after reading all you've been through with him but it is the best way for him to see how serious you are.

Between the drinking/drugs and then turning to gaming, it really sounds as though he has an addictive personality and did trade one addiction for the other. If so, he will have a difficult time stepping up to the plate until he decides he wants to get help with his addictions & learns to replace them with positive things. The drinking/drugs/gaming have allowed him to mentally check out from being a husband/father and until he realizes how hurtful that has been to you and the children, I'm afraid he will just be scrambling for a quick fix vs. really trying to change to become a better man.

My first marriage ended for many of the same issues you've listed and although he panicked and promised change, he remarried 2 months after we divorced and went right back to his old ways (I feel for his wife) I remarried several years later and we've had our bumps in the road but we have both made an effort to keep our marriage on the top of the priority list.

It was actually easier being a single mom than living with my ex walking on eggshells so the kids wouldn't annoy him & the out of control spending on gadgets, etc. It was not easy working full-time with 3 young children but I got used to it. Before it was like a bucket with a hole in it...never seemed to get ahead because if he saw some excess $ it was spent on some useless gadget of the week.

Even now when I need to go out of town for work, I will set up frozen dinners, long notes for my husband (stepdad to my 3 kids) and the kids about the schedules, etc. to make it easier on them only to find when I get back he decided to cook for them one night and take them out for pizza the next...and it is such a relief to know he truly looks out for them when I'm not here.

That's the sort of man I want my daughter to see and expect to meet one day. Your H needs a serious wake-up call....I hope this does it for him but if the drinking/drugs/gaming are still going on his priorities are still skewed and he may backslide fairly quickly.


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## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

> Wow. I give you credit for staying calm after reading all you've been through with him but it is the best way for him to see how serious you are.


Thank you.  I think I am passed the anger and yelling and screaming and as it never worked before I decided whatever happens I am going to be happy and my kids are going to have a better life, one way or another. 



> I'm afraid he will just be scrambling for a quick fix vs. really trying to change to become a better man.


That's exactly what I was thinking. When I told him few weeks ago that things have to change he was good for a while but then went back to his old ways. And he always tries to "scare" me with some childish threats like "If this is the end I will quit my job so you get no child support." or "Maybe I should kill myself. THat would be the best thing for everyone." Actually he tried the "suicide" thing on me yesterday and I just calmly told him that he might be right. I think that really shocked him because he kept telling me that he is willing to change. He's like a little kid. He'll try anything to get things his way. No more.



> It was actually easier being a single mom than living with my ex walking on eggshells so the kids wouldn't annoy him


That's what I was thinking too. I do everything for the kids anyway and my mum helps a lot. I think we'd be happier on our own. Like on the days when I have a day off and he goes to work. Me and the kids go for a walk after dinner and full around in the park (yes, I'm a big kid too sometimes:rofl and then we play games. We laugh a lot. My kids are amazing. They have the best sense of humor but when he's at home they a soooo different. More quite, reserved...What does that tell you? 



> ..and it is such a relief to know he truly looks out for them when I'm not here.


Now, that's a real man in my eyes. Someone you can rely on. Someone who is there for their family. I am happy things worked out for you. And that's what I mean by "One way or another..." 
The sad thing is that I think my husband ruined the whole "marriage" thing for me and I really don't think I am going to go through that ever again. If I end up leaving my husband, that's it for me. I am not going to ever be able to trust another man. I will forever think in the back of my head how they will all change just like he did. He was so nice and loving and funny. It was all great until our first child came and I stopped working and he started going out drinking and taking drugs with his friends. He is a different person now. He's not on drugs anymore but I think that drugs and alcohol changed his personality. 



> That's the sort of man I want my daughter to see and expect to meet one day.


Exactly. :iagree: Do you know, ages ago when me and my husband were having an argument over the things he does and he tried telling me how there are millions of people in this world who do worst things then he does (true but I'm not married to them so I don't care) so I asked him if he'd be happy if our son turned out like him or our daughter married a guy like her dad. He said that will not happen. I asked him if it's ok for him to be like that why doesn't he want kids to do the same and he said "You are just saying this to upset me now." Once again, WHAT???? I tried to explain to him that there is a good chance that kids will end up like that because they see it every day and will learn that all that stuff is normal. I know I'm right.


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## Greatermindset (Oct 13, 2008)

Looks like I arrived to the party late. Did I miss much? 

In all seriousiness tho, I am concerned for your husband. I can tell you now, the money that he's spending on gaming, isn't all for gaming. $329 per month for servers does sound excessive. There's much deeper issues. Right now, it's clear he doesn't think much of himself or any one else atm. In one of the earlier posts you asked



*Aceso* said:


> Do men really feel threatened when women earn more money?


Your husband clearly does. It makes him feel less of a man.



*Aceso* said:


> These are his words "I really don't understand why you are complaining that I spend so much money when you have a nice house and everything you want. You have nice things and new furniture. You wanted a new kitchen and you got it. What else do you want from me?"


When I read this, this sent off alarm bells. It's a trap that so many of us men fall for. Our natural instincts from from being a hunter back in the ancient times when the men goes out and provides for the family financially. What many men fail to realise that, woman have evolved and have developed other needs too. While he may be helping providing the above needs, they may not be all the needs or the most important needs that are important to you. Women have to be fulfilled in other ways too, and men often miss probably the most important - emotional needs.

Having said this, your husband has other needs too. While meeting your needs in the past where it made you and him happy, he no longer feels he can succeed at it, so he's looking externally to meet them, however destructive they may be. He's turning to drugs and alcohol to try to be happy, he's turning to games for significance, he gets angry to feel important. Inside your husband is crumbling and he needs help.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

*Aceso* said:


> "Maybe I should kill myself. THat would be the best thing for everyone." Actually he tried the "suicide" thing on me yesterday and I just calmly told him that he might be right.


My H has tried this on me. I just told him thanks for telling me so i know i need to take the cat if i leave, too. 

of course that's not how i really feel, but you cant let them know it gets to you b/c then they just get worse.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

You live in the real world, he does not. I remember your post from before and he is neglecting you and the kids. That was first issue, well now he's spending more...money he does not have and expecting you to cover his fines. Why does he have speeding tickets and I'm sure his insurance is sky high as a result. What you have here is a child to care for. He should be a partner in this relationship. You are not responsible for him drinking and getting high. He's basically made you his mother. He needs to shape up or you need to kick him out. You were smart to get a separate account but if he's blowing it all I'm sure he's not paying the mortgage. He will have to find another place to live and pay all those expenses and child support. I don't think he'll have the time or money for gaming since he neglects his other bills. Sit down with him tell him what is bothering you. You've tried this before and it hasn't changed, point this out. Tell him what needs to change If he can't do it, then move on. You deserve better. At this point though to protect yourself, you might go visit a lawyer. Go get your ducks in a row not only to protect you but your kids too.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

*Aceso* said:


> That's exactly my point. He has no idea what real world is as even his so called friends are people he met online playing this stupid game and he lost all his real ones.
> And when it comes to child support....Well, he told me that I earn heaps of money so I don't need any more and if I asked for it he'll quit his job. Now, how childish is that????


Not having a job is no excuse not to pay, he will be forced to pay anyway. A friend of mine had a daughter 22 years ago, he was not in a good place in his life back then and did not pay support nor did he work. He's since got his life on track and has a wonderful family which he supports and he is still paying the mother of his first child for all the back child support he owes. You can't get out of it.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

*Aceso* said:


> When winter was about to start and I had to buy kids winter school uniforms he told me I waisted my money because I got them 3 uniforms each. Apparently one each would've been enough. I tried to explain to him that I don't have time to wash their school uniforms every day and he told me that I should manage my time better. That way I'd have more time to do washing and whatever else needs to be done.


That would be it for me! He puts his wants above your children's nees. He does not deserve you. Sorry to be harsh but you are better off without him!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

*Aceso* said:


> Yes, he's still sleeping because he stayed up all night playing his stupid game and drinking some more. Anyway, I decided that it's time toput my foot down and lay some laws and if he doesn't like it he can leave.
> 
> 1. He can play his game for an hour every day and as much as he wants when me and kids are not around.
> 2. No more buying computer stuff.
> ...


you gotta stick to your guns on this stuff, okay? otherwise it means nothing to him. and why the hell would you have to TELL him he HAS to go to parent teacher night? come on DAD!


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## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

Thank you all for your support and great advice and I thought I should update you on the whole situation. 

Things are looking up. After we had the talk he was being the biggest dumbass I know for couple of days.I ignored his childish remarks and dummy spits and I think he started realizing that it's not working. I didn't let him see how annoyed I really was at the time. Anyway, after 3-4 days he came to me and asked me if we could talk again. It really surprised me how he set there and talked about his feelings. Most of you were right about him falling apart inside. He told me that he thinks that I hate him for all the things he did to me in the past and that I have changed and am so capable of doing everything on my own that he is scared I will leave him behind. I really didn't see that coming. He feels intimidated by me on every level, he said. The only way he knew how to upset me and to feel sort of in control is by getting drunk, ignoring me and the kids and overspending. He knew these 3 things are what really sets me off. But he didn't think about what might happen if he does those things. 
Anyway, to cut the long story short, we talked for 6 hours straight. It was very emotional and draining but this is the first time I truly felt like we were resolving our problems. I think for the first time in years I finally felt close to him. We connected again. 
We decided that maybe we should set one night a week to talk about bills and money for half an hour so that we are both equally involved. We will also talk about what needs to be done around the house and who will do what on what day (housework, cooking, picking up kids from school....). We'll write it all down in a diary so we don't have to discus it anymore during the week. The rest of the week will be about us as a couple and us as a family. 
And he has been sooooo good since. He is on holidays at teh moment and he is taking kids to school and picking them up and making dinner every night. He's cleaning (not as well as he should but I would never let him know that. At least he's trying.), doing washing....It's my day off today so I did food shopping, cleaned up, washed cars....and he's gone out to lunch with a friend. It's that "give and take" that I have wanted for so long. Oh, and we are going out tomorrow night. Dinner first and then we have two parties to go to. We haven't been out in months. I am so excited. :smthumbup: And we were sitting here watching TV last night and an ad for new movie "Australia" came on. I said that I would really want to see it and he said:"It's a date. We'll go next Saturday." I thought it was sweet as he "hates" movies like that. 
And another thing. I decided to be more positive. I am not going to think anymore about what happened before. How are we to move forward if I am holding on to the past? And I will not say things like "I really don't want....." Instead I'll be more direct and say "I would really like...." 
I can honestly say, I feel happy at the moment. Now I feel like I made it. On every level.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

draconis said:


> Actually it doesn't work that way. They will look at his last thre years pay and base it off of that, they will take state and federal returns. Even if he doesn't make enough to cover the child support they will bill him for it. He will owe the money, forever be in debt with bad credit. Hee isn't living in the real world at all.
> 
> draconis


drac--

the problem here is two-fold. you can't get blood from a turnip...and if he's not living in the real world, he don't give a damn about his credit. nice thing for her is every year for the foreseeable future the govt is gonna issue incentive checks. she can file as an "injured spouse" and collect her money that way.


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