# Hints that are not Hints



## Mack123 (Dec 23, 2011)

My husband is depressed, he's been saying we're not doing well together, and keeps bringing up the topic of me leaving him, and divorce. All of his statements are "WE" and when I use "I" he gets mad that I'm not talking about both of us, but I try to remind him that I can't speak for him because I'm not in his head. Anyway, I ignore and avoid these topics in general, and try to keep things positive. I admit it, his words hurt. I've asked him to stop bringing these topics up unless he's serious, because most of the time he tries to play it off as "just kidding." Ha-ha-not-so-much. But they keep coming up.

His family has a history of depression and other disorders that I didn't know of before marriage. He refuses to get help of any kind. He's clearly pushing me away, but I made a promise and I'm honoring the promise. I'm no saint either, but I try to provide a happy-enough home life for him and our kids. I don't feel like I'm successful because every single day he finds something to get onto the kids about, or something to correct me on, or something to get extremely pissed off about, and it's usually my fault somehow. It's always something. 

I try to hug and kiss him, but get brushed off, or sarcastically asked what the special occasion is (daily). Our lack of intimacy used to bother me, but after so many years of trying new and different approaches only to be met with his disinterest, I've run out of new ideas.

I keep in healthy shape physically (and do my best with the mental part on my own: hobbies, kid activities, exercise, etc.), maintain a clean home, and continue to do well in my professional career. He works too, and he used to be healthy, we used to jog and go to the gym together, but that ended over two years ago, and my efforts and encouragement to get him active again keep hitting a wall. 

I'm slowly giving up, and I'm disappointed in myself for giving up. I know I can't change him, I can't help him. Things are not okay, I'm just pretending they are, and it's exhausting not knowing what else to do. We're basically roommates now, and that would be okay if he'd just be nice.

Do I keep faking it until we make it? If so, how?


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

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## LoveLifeNow (Dec 28, 2011)

I can relate to most of what you say, because my husband is depressed too. He refuses to get help, won't work out anymore, does nothing to relate to me or the kids. 
Difference is I am the one saying I will leave and yesterday told him I would unless he gets help. He is angry with me and will not tell me why. When I try to thank him for anything he makes a sarcastic statement like he does not believe me. He sleeps in the guest room. When I try to discuss us, he says absolutely nothing.
Also trying to decide if separating is best for all of us.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Sorry to hear you are going through this.

Only thing I can suggest is stop being so nice to him. 
Call his bluff. He wants to wallow in self pity... let him. 
He's pushing your buttons, and your kids, misery loves company.

If you have done everything you can to keep your own life on track, the rest is up to him. If you don't want to go down with the sinking ship, then call him out on it. Enough of the pity party. Do not allow him to be anything but respectful to you. Tell him so. Walk away. Correct his negative behavior. If he won't go get help, then leave. And follow through on it.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

deejov said:


> Sorry to hear you are going through this.
> 
> Only thing I can suggest is stop being so nice to him.
> Call his bluff. He wants to wallow in self pity... let him.
> ...


I don't know if this guy is a mope or has a serious problem with depression, but if it's the latter - and it sounds possible - your advice is mighty flippant, and possibly dangerous.
Depression is a serious illness that requires medical treatment, not a pity party or something that can be fixed by turning a cold shoulder on the person who is sick.

Ultimately, she may have to leave him if that what it takes to compel him to seek help. Until then, though, she should continue to urge him to see a professional. Read up on the illness. Leave him literature about hit. There's tons of stuff out there geared toward men. Pledge to support him if and when he takes the steps to get help.

Isn't that what 'for better and for worse, in sickness and in health' is all about?

All that said, if he's really just a mope, then f--- him. But don't play mind games with a person who's ill.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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