# What to do



## Anna1990 (Feb 16, 2018)

I've been married for six years and my husband has never shown me the love and appreciation that a spouse is suppose to show his partner. But for the past year it has gotten worse. Since we've been together I've never received a gift from my husband, not for any occasion. We've had some financial issues for over a year but things are better this year so far. So my husband use to make the excuse that we don't have money. But for every occasion I would get him something. Besides this issue he drinks alot and prefers to hang out with his colleagues and friends. And just returns home to sleep and eat and does the same routine everyday. I've always known that there weren't any love on his part but I still stuck it because we have a 5 year old son together. 
This year was the worse valentines because he decided to go hand out with his friends and came home drunk. So I asked him if it's ok to spend money on his friends but you can't even my a flower for your wife. We had a huge argument. He told me I'm worthless and I don't do anything for him. He said if it wasn't for him I wouldn't be the person I am today (I have 3 degrees but I did my Masters after I got married he met me with 2). His mother and sister does not like me and always spreads rumors about me. He's the one who told me what they say all time and on Wednesday in his drunk state he said that I'm responsible for what they say and I want to cause a rift with him and his family. And that they come first in his life. He even went to say he wants a DNA test (my son's the splitting image of him by the way). I've never shown my in-laws any bad attitude but they're angry because my husband doesn't give his paycheck to them and maintain his sister's lifestyle and he use to do before when he was single. When they come to MY home because we live with my parents I treat them like royalty. I go out of my way, take time off from work and spend alot of money on them.
So again he told me I'm wrong for making a big deal of him being with his friends. I'd planned a nice evening, cooked a nice meal and even bought lingerie. Only to be insulted by a drunk man who revealed his true taughts. 
He told me so much hurtful things it's paining so much. And he always does it and a week later I'm like a fool back in his arms. I need some advice I don't want him to be like this. What do I do? I don't want a divorce because I don't want to do my son that. I pray to God everyday please make me strong to get over this because the hurt is so bad I feel to kill myself. 
Am I wrong for thinking it wasn't ok for him to spend money on his friends and come home drunk on Valentine's Day? I want to know if I'm crazy and over-reacting?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Oh boy...

This is classic codependent behavior. 
You believe his belittling words, his nasty words. 
You take it on the chin. Why?

You do.
If you did not you would be gone, away from him and his dysfunctional family. They are all the same, Selfish idiots, lazy fools who make themselves large by making others small.

You can do better than him.
Hell, you can do better by being on your own. He does not even offer you crumbs.

As others here will tell you, get an exit plan in order. Find a place where you and your children can live, far away from him.

You are on the inside and cannot see the big picture. You only see yourself, helpless, hapless, bound to lovely children and a pig of a man.
Roast the pig, raise the children alone.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Why on God's green Earth would a woman who has an advanced degree be living with her parents (unless it's to care for them in their infirmity) and desperately clinging to an alcoholic ass? I think my best advice is to get yourself into counseling to sort you out.


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## Anna1990 (Feb 16, 2018)

I live in a country where it's impossible to buy a house because of the high cost of living. I do own land and working towards saving to actually build a property. Life in my country is not as easy as America. And I grew up with traditional parents were when you marry someone you have to stay with them. My parents know the problems I go through but they keep saying stick it out it will change and you have to because we have a child together.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Anna1990 said:


> I live in a country where it's impossible to buy a house because of the high cost of living. I do own land and working towards saving to actually build a property. Life in my country is not as easy as America. And I grew up with traditional parents were when you marry someone you have to stay with them. My parents know the problems I go through but they keep saying stick it out it will change and you have to because we have a child together.


The saying is you cannot change him. I cannot give you any advice which would lead to you being able to change him.

I believe you should be able to get love from your husband. I am not sure how that should be shown, but you should be able to get love somehow. You are correct that your husband is failing to show love. Is it presents? Or is it kind words, and time spent holding you?

I wish you could change him, but I am afraid you can't. 

I truly hope, given the restraints on what you can do, you do not have another child. That is a poor thing to be stuck with. But if you cannot leave him, I fear having more children will not make your life better. You may think it will afford you some solace since your husband does not love you, but I fear it would only cause ever more stress and pain and suffering.

Please be well, somehow.

If you can, leave him.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

It would be better to be divorced, and for your child to be a child of divorce...than it is for your son to see his father treat his mother like trash. He will grow up to think that this is what men do, this is how a man treats his wife. 

Is divorce possible? Will your parents help you if you do decide to divorce? Or would you have to go out on your own? Start thinking and planning the possibilities. There may be a way to get away from this man who has no love for you. 

Do not expect him to be sweet. He isn't going to. Do not expect him to show love, he isn't going to. You keep setting yourself up for disappointment. 

Figure out what IS possible. Figure how to make your life begin to move in a positive direction. It may take some planning and some time.... but you've got nothing to lose.

Good luck.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

Like everyone else, I do not know the "insides" of your marriage and can only see if from the perspective you are giving us. With that being said, it sounds like your husband is not a very kind man. It seems to me that your "Love Language" is receiving gifts (and giving gifts to show love). It is clear your husband doesn't even care to TRY and show you love in this way, or even in simple ways by spending time with you on Valentine's Day. I agree with the other posters, I think you are NOT crazy to think that he was wrong to do that to you. You deserve better..now it's just about learning and believing that!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* @Anna1990 ~ I don't have the first clue what country you're in, but your husband is treating you awful! And there's absolutely no rational excuse to put up with his disrespectful behavior toward you! 

Please show yourself some respect and immediately consult with a lawyer to be fully advised of all of your legal property and custodial rights!*


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Anna1990 said:


> I've been married for six years and my husband has never shown me the love and appreciation that a spouse is suppose to show his partner. But for the past year it has gotten worse. Since we've been together I've never received a gift from my husband, not for any occasion. We've had some financial issues for over a year but things are better this year so far. So my husband use to make the excuse that we don't have money. But for every occasion I would get him something. Besides this issue he drinks alot and prefers to hang out with his colleagues and friends. And just returns home to sleep and eat and does the same routine everyday. I've always known that there weren't any love on his part but I still stuck it because we have a 5 year old son together.
> This year was the worse valentines because he decided to go hand out with his friends and came home drunk. So I asked him if it's ok to spend money on his friends but you can't even my a flower for your wife. We had a huge argument. He told me I'm worthless and I don't do anything for him. He said if it wasn't for him I wouldn't be the person I am today (I have 3 degrees but I did my Masters after I got married he met me with 2). His mother and sister does not like me and always spreads rumors about me. He's the one who told me what they say all time and on Wednesday in his drunk state he said that I'm responsible for what they say and I want to cause a rift with him and his family. And that they come first in his life. He even went to say he wants a DNA test (my son's the splitting image of him by the way). I've never shown my in-laws any bad attitude but they're angry because my husband doesn't give his paycheck to them and maintain his sister's lifestyle and he use to do before when he was single. When they come to MY home because we live with my parents I treat them like royalty. I go out of my way, take time off from work and spend alot of money on them.
> So again he told me I'm wrong for making a big deal of him being with his friends. I'd planned a nice evening, cooked a nice meal and even bought lingerie. Only to be insulted by a drunk man who revealed his true taughts.
> He told me so much hurtful things it's paining so much. And he always does it and a week later I'm like a fool back in his arms. I need some advice I don't want him to be like this. What do I do? I don't want a divorce because I don't want to do my son that. *I pray to God everyday please make me strong to get over this because the hurt is so bad I feel to kill myself.*
> Am I wrong for thinking it wasn't ok for him to spend money on his friends and come home drunk on Valentine's Day? I want to know if I'm crazy and over-reacting?


To the bolded text, NO human being is worth making anyone feel this way. If this is really how you feel, you need to get yourself into therapy ASAP, and until your appointment, I feel like you might need to talk to someone at a local suicide prevention line. Please take care of yourself first and foremost, as you need the attention and love more than your husband at this point. 

You guys have a 5 year old son. Do you want him to grow up thinking that they way his Dad treats his Mom is the way that a man is supposed to treat a woman? Kids learn what they live, and take that into adulthood with them. Personally, it sounds to me that either you and your husband need to get into couple's counselling, or you need to take a great from each other. I wouldn't have a problem with my husband not buying me gifts, but would have a problem with him spending money on addictions and getting drunk.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Anna1990 You treat them like Royalty?

Then I think it is time for some non-violent Regicide. 

Don't invite them back again.

And see a lawyer.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Are you in Singapore? 

Your husband is behaving like a lout. What was your courtship like? Was he ever generous and loving before you married him? Was the marriage arranged? You say he was unfeeling since marriage. Consider an annulment if that is the case.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

I have an understanding of Asian/ Chinese traditions where filial piety is more important than your marriage. Why do you know there isn’t any love there in the first place? You need to sit your husband down and have an honest conversation. I know being confrontational is not part of this culture but your marriage is at stake.

Also how much does your husband drink? He is a high functioning alcoholic. Did you clarify your expectations for Valentines Day with your H?

I know your parents want the best for you. They want you to stay in this marriage but you have a lot to consider here. In the meantime work on yourself and your self esteem. It sounds as if you have none. Do not pander to anyone, in-laws or not. Being submissive to your H doesn’t mean being his mute slave.


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