# Does it ever change?



## specialplace (Aug 18, 2012)

I have been married for 17 years and my husband gave me the "I'm not in love with you" speech about a year ago. He left six months ago and I believe he was having an affair with a co-worker at that time. He now has a new girlfriend and seems to have moved right along while I am still stuck mourning the end of my marriage. The worst part of his behavior is how he has chosen to re-write the history of our relationship to make it seem like things were bad the entire time. We had a lot of good times and he refuses to acknowledge that. He just keeps telling me that "we weren't right together". Will that ever change? After the divorce is final?


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Your post could be mine exactly to the tee. Only my marriage was only 13 years. Same thing though. She has someone else and I can't help thinking she is having a great time while I am miserable trying to move on. She made it sound like our whole marriage was bad and she never felt loved etc. It does no good thinking like this, but its hard not to. Just hang in there. Things will get better. 

I know its hard. Especially when you can't help remembering all the great times and they have moved on without a second thought. 

Wish I could say the magic word to make everything better for you, but I can't.


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## Bafuna (Aug 13, 2012)

He wants to justify his actions. What can he say,'' Im screwed up, I cheated on my wife, and Im throwing away 17 years of marriage''. He's gotta say something to make people see him in a better light. Stop beating yourself up over it.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

You can paint a turd and make it appear better. Thats all these people are doing, because what is the alternative? Admitting to yourself that you screwed the marriage up, acted like a treacherous ****, and destroyed your family in the process? People on that end of the stick never like looking in the mirror. ALLLLLL that effort to make something appear great to the outside world, and to "feel" great to themselves is sure to take its toll after awhile, the charade never lasts. Congratulations on your freedom from that type of person..


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

specialplace said:


> I have been married for 17 years and my husband gave me the "I'm not in love with you" speech about a year ago. He left six months ago and I believe he was having an affair with a co-worker at that time. He now has a new girlfriend and seems to have moved right along while I am still stuck mourning the end of my marriage. The worst part of his behavior is how he has chosen to re-write the history of our relationship to make it seem like things were bad the entire time. We had a lot of good times and he refuses to acknowledge that. He just keeps telling me that "we weren't right together". Will that ever change? After the divorce is final?


History rewriting and blame shifting is part of the validation for their betrayal.

Don't fall for it.

And, don't allow your moving on to hinge on him "defogging".

You are lucky to have this POS out of your life.

You will see in time.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

It doesn't matter how many times I read these stories I still am amazed at how similar most of them are. It's almost like there are two completely different types of people and very little in between. It's seriously like flipping a coin to determine whether or not you actually read the person right when deciding to marry. 

Hey, my ex told me less than a year before we divorced how much she was bragging on me to her new friends and how jealous they were. I brought that up later on and she completely denied saying it. All of it was horrible right from the start. CRAZY!!!


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

It is amazing how similar so many stories are. I wish there was a blood test to see what type someone is before you get attached to them.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Paradise said:


> It doesn't matter how many times I read these stories I still am amazed at how similar most of them are. It's almost like there are two completely different types of people and very little in between.


The narcissist and the co-dependent.

They are magnets for each other.

Yet, in time, the qualities that created such a strong attraction cause the relationship to self destruct.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

30 years married here. XW has done the exact same thing. Why to hear her talk, she had a horrible life. I "brow beat" her for 30 years!!!! People that really know you, know different. Screw the rest.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

specialplace said:


> I have been married for 17 years and my husband gave me the "I'm not in love with you" speech about a year ago. He left six months ago and I believe he was having an affair with a co-worker at that time. He now has a new girlfriend and seems to have moved right along while I am still stuck mourning the end of my marriage. The worst part of his behavior is how he has chosen to re-write the history of our relationship to make it seem like things were bad the entire time. We had a lot of good times and he refuses to acknowledge that. He just keeps telling me that "we weren't right together". Will that ever change? After the divorce is final?


Exactly the same - married for 10 years, together for 13, moved someone else in after we'd been split for about three months. Loads of re-writing going on despite the fact that I can pinpoint the change almost to the date and it was only a couple of years ago. Apparently we hadn't been happy for six or seven years. 

It's all bullsh*t - it's what they tell themselves to justify what they've done. All I can tell you is that my ex looks on the surface to be so happy in his new life, plastering pictures of him and his granny girlfriend all over FB and telling everyone she's his soulmate. I know it's all a facade - he's told me as much. He's struggling for money, she hasn't got a job, they row all the time, he's working 12 hours a day six days a week. 

So don't believe everything you see...


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

I know in my case my wife did love me up until she met her new mr wonderful and started over blowing all our problems in her head and convincing herself she no longer loved me. That last year 2011 we had one of the best most romantic vacations and the rest of that year we had got a new wood floor and were fixing up the house to sell and looking at a new house. Then when all this happened she told me she hadn't felt loved in years and didn't love me anymore.

Of course its all B.S. I knew something was wrong about the time she started to drift apart in early 2012, but instead of coming to TAM in time and figuring out what to do I started acting too nice and doing too much for her. She probably thought I was pathetic and that hurts thinking that. I didn't realize another man was involved for awhile because I completely trusted her and thought she loved me. Of course it doesn't help I can find emails from the day before she told me she didn't love me where she said how much she loved me. Ughh makes me sick to my stomach.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Funnily enough I was being a bit beta and saying that I wanted to work things out...until I found TAM and started recognising the signs. He swore up and down that there wasn't anyone else (specifically, obviously he was trawling the internet for women) and still does. I've just told him I don't believe him. 

He can pretend to himself he wasn't a lying cheating coward if he wants - we both know the truth.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

It is funny how no matter how much evidence is presented cheaters will lie and then lie some more. After everything I went through it would of been nice had she just fessed up in the end, but if I had any communication with her right now I can guarantee she would still lie.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

NW:

So similar here.

My wife pushed forward with a bunch of home improvements, saying how much she loved our life and home we built together and is so happy.

We took a wonderfully romantic two-week European vacation without the kids in October of 2011. I could not have gotten her detached from my hip if I wanted to.

Come Feb. 2012 she was giving me the "I have not had feelings for you for years" speech. 

That was when posOM entered the picture.

Don't beat yourself up for being committed and loving.

It's a script that they play out and there is not a thing you can do to change it.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Oh I know, but I still can't help thinking if I knew what I know now could I have saved my marriage. I guess I should be thankful we never got that new home then things would have been much harder during the divorce. 



Dollystanford said:


> Funnily enough I was being a bit beta and saying that I wanted to work things out....


That's because you were a good wife and like me you trusted the one you loved. No questions asked. Until it became so obvious you could no longer doubt it anymore.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

This is amazing reading these. We had a child, built a new home and within two yrs she was cheating. In the end I lost my rear due to the house! 

I had a pile of texts for over a year and I could point out the exact date more than a year before our divorce where she was just about ready to tell me "part" of the truth and in the end she still told me that there was no one else.....

I was pathetic, too. Funny thing is the roles were reversed from the way we started out. I was alpha all the way and then turned into something I have never been over the last year trying to fix everything. Wish I knew then....


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## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

NoWhere said:


> Oh I know, but I still can't help thinking if I knew what I know now could I have saved my marriage. I guess I should be thankful we never got that new home then things would have been much harder during the divorce.
> 
> That's because you were a good wife and like me you trusted the one you loved. No questions asked. Until it became so obvious you could no longer doubt it anymore.


.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

That's actually when you know you've moved on, I think: when it doesn't matter to you what _they_ think about your marriage. You've figured things out to your satisfaction, and you're at peace with it, you own your part, but don't take more than your share of the blame. 

And you really have other, better things to do with your time than to think about them any more.

(BTW - I was married 12 years - living separately the last 1 1/2, dated 3+ years before that. Divorced as of yesterday )


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

specialplace said:


> The worst part of his behavior is how he has chosen to re-write the history of our relationship to make it seem like things were bad the entire time. We had a lot of good times and he refuses to acknowledge that. He just keeps telling me that "we weren't right together". Will that ever change? After the divorce is final?


It will change when you don't give a damn anymore. In the end, it doesn't really matter what your Ex thinks or says, does it? 

My STBXH and I had a short talk about how each of us felt about getting divorced. He said he didn't like it. I said it needed to be done so I was doing it. He asked me if I had any second thoughts and I said "Nope". 

He likes to say we had some good times in the 24 years we were married and I look at it as a 24 year mistake that needs to be fixed. I'd rather just forget and move on from here and not dwell on what was.


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

Its all a pendulum that swings back and forth, after almost 30 years, my exH told me he wasn't sure he ever loved me. That was just a cop out to make it easier to do what he was doing. Later, I asked him why did it have to be that and he confessed that is wasn't really, not sure why he said it. Don't take any of it at face value. And dwelling (although I know how hard it is not to) doesn't get you anywhere. Everyone who knew both of us is surprised, ask me what happened, I shrug. I get that there were things we could have done better, but the saying "throwing the baby out with the bath water" applies here. The whole thing wasn't broken and was so worth the effort to try.


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