# now what



## justplainoldme (May 10, 2011)

well long story short. i cheated on my wife. confessed to her because i felt guilty. She says she wants to work through it but she keeps bringing it up, it seems that everytime we make steps forward we take a million backwards. i know she doesnt trust me anymore and i get that. i truly feel bad about it, and i didnt intend for it to happen when it did. there are some other factors involved, as im in the military and was at war when it happend with some pretty ****ty stuff going on around me, so i turned to someone to talk to and it went too far. as of now im leaving it up to my wife to see if she wants to stay or not but i have a problem with her bringing up the same questions that i have answered time and time again. i just cant answer those questions anymore. should i just tell her to let it go or let me go, should i just tell her to move on without me in her life? sometime i just feel like i was destined to be alone in life. any advice would be appreciated

thanks


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I would say she keeps asking the same questions to either see if you answer the same way or she might just be trying to still process it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

You need to man up. You did this. There is no excuse. Stop trying to make them.

If you want to stay with your wife you need to get ready to do everything you can for her. Answer all of her questions. Always let her know where you are and what you are doing. And guess what....its gonna last a long time. Read some books. She's going through trauma like you can't imagine and from what you just said you don't have a ****ing clue what she is going through.

If you can't handle that you better just leave.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

and yes... I'm really pissed at you because of the way you said that stuff. "She wants to work it out, but keeps bringing it up". What the heck is that? Glad your not in front of me right now.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Ok.. I understand that you think it is over. It isn't. It is good you confessed and that you want to work it out, but dude. You broke her heart.
You really have no idea what she is going through..

1. She is going to ask over and over again because she really can't process what you did. You put her second. You lied to her. You broke her trust
and you are still lying to her and yourself.

You DID intend it to happen. Whatever the circumstances. You CHOSE to have the affair. You CHOSE someone else over her. You CHOSE to break her heart. 

This is really tough **** to deal with and you are going to have to process this yourself before she will be able to forgive you.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

As the one who stepped out, you are obligated to her to answer everything as often as she wants, do whatever she needs you to do to help her feel secure and comfortable, be transparent, give her whatever she needs. I would say if YOU can't handle it then you need to go, you reap what you sow.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

paramore said:


> As the one who stepped out, you are obligated to her to answer everything as often as she wants, do whatever she needs you to do to help her feel secure and comfortable, be transparent, give her whatever she needs. I would say if YOU can't handle it then you need to go, you reap what you sow.


Politely I disagree with dear paramore but only because I have known of Loyal Spouses who use the occasion of infidelity to keep their Disloyal "under their thumb" with a sword over their head for the rest of their lives...as if to say, "For the rest of our marriage you will never win a disagreement because I have the ultimate trump card and I won't hesitate to use it to get my way or make you feel bad!" 

justplainoldme, you and your wife are doing a puzzle. You have all the pieces for your puzzle and you put the pieces together and see something that doesn't paint a good picture of you and makes you feel bad...so you don't want to look at that picture. Your wife, on the other hand, has the edge pieces but some of the middle pieces are missing...and no matter how she tries to put pieces together she can not get a view of the picture of her life so she keeps grasping for pieces! She can't see the whole picture because she wasn't there...and yep to some degree you've withheld some of the pieces that REALLY make you look bad! 

The way to solve this is not for you to end your marriage and stop giving her puzzle pieces...nor is it for her to keeping grasping for pieces and holding that picture over your head. The way to solve this is to have an agreement between you and your wife. Explain this puzzle thing to her and that you do want to give her the pieces she needs, but what heals her harms you. If you two keep putting the needs of one ahead of the harm of the other, you'll end up killing the marriage! So explain that you'd like to propose giving her a piece or two a day and she agrees to focus on the present and future with you and not bring up the past. Thus, the agreement is that once a day she can ask you ONE or TWO questions that you will answer patiently and fully in detail ("I don't know doesn't count.") In return for answering fully, she agrees to end the inquisition in 45 minutes or an hour and the rest of the time is focusing on the PRESENT (where you are being faithful and loving) or the FUTURE (what you plan or dream of). 

Make sense?


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## justplainoldme (May 10, 2011)

ing said:


> Ok.. I understand that you think it is over. It isn't. It is good you confessed and that you want to work it out, but dude. You broke her heart.
> You really have no idea what she is going through..
> 
> 1. She is going to ask over and over again because she really can't process what you did. You put her second. You lied to her. You broke her trust
> ...


Whatever the circumstances huh? Well i was in Afghanistan, I was getting blown up, and I didnt choose my wife becuase she was not there. I chose someone else because she was. You do not understand the world that i live in as a combat soldier. Im not using this as an excuse by any since of the imagination.


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## justplainoldme (May 10, 2011)

it-guy said:


> You need to man up. You did this. There is no excuse. Stop trying to make them.
> 
> If you want to stay with your wife you need to get ready to do everything you can for her. Answer all of her questions. Always let her know where you are and what you are doing. And guess what....its gonna last a long time. Read some books. She's going through trauma like you can't imagine and from what you just said you don't have a ****ing clue what she is going through.
> 
> If you can't handle that you better just leave.


I guess I dont have a clue, it has never happened to me before, and me letting her know where im at all the time. not going to happen. most of the time im hunting or fishing (she doesnt want to go) or im in the garage working on my truck. she is always around me. I will not leave i will leave it up to her to decide if i am to go or not. This is just the way it is going to be. 



it-guy said:


> and yes... I'm really pissed at you because of the way you said that stuff. "She wants to work it out, but keeps bringing it up". What the heck is that? Glad your not in front of me right now.


and if i was you wouldnt do anything about it anyways so there was really no point in this post was there?



paramore said:


> As the one who stepped out, you are obligated to her to answer everything as often as she wants, do whatever she needs you to do to help her feel secure and comfortable, be transparent, give her whatever she needs. I would say if YOU can't handle it then you need to go, you reap what you sow.


Thanks, but i dont believe in that statement at all. i am transparent, im not hiding anything from her. i never even hid the affair from her. i told her when i got home from this last deployment, at the end of Jan. 



Affaircare said:


> Politely I disagree with dear paramore but only because I have known of Loyal Spouses who use the occasion of infidelity to keep their Disloyal "under their thumb" with a sword over their head for the rest of their lives...as if to say, "For the rest of our marriage you will never win a disagreement because I have the ultimate trump card and I won't hesitate to use it to get my way or make you feel bad!"
> 
> justplainoldme, you and your wife are doing a puzzle. You have all the pieces for your puzzle and you put the pieces together and see something that doesn't paint a good picture of you and makes you feel bad...so you don't want to look at that picture. Your wife, on the other hand, has the edge pieces but some of the middle pieces are missing...and no matter how she tries to put pieces together she can not get a view of the picture of her life so she keeps grasping for pieces! She can't see the whole picture because she wasn't there...and yep to some degree you've withheld some of the pieces that REALLY make you look bad!
> 
> ...


makes perfect sense to me. the problem is i just dont have the hours in the day to do all this all the time. i have to focus on my job, and training all the time. i do not have the time at work to focus on wether my wife is going to be my wife when i get home or some total stranger and berate and belittle me. just doesnt work that way. we have talked numerous times about all this, i have answered all her questions with undisclosed honesty about all this. I understand being the guilty party it is easier for me to move forward than her but **** it has been almost 4 months and she is still the same way. My whole thing is, and i have told her, if she cannot get over it then we need to press on with our lives. i dont think it is healthy for her to live the way she is living. Always upset, angry and what not. she is seeing a counselor for this but i dont know if it will work.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

justplainoldme said:


> Whatever the circumstances huh? Well i was in Afghanistan, I was getting blown up, and I didnt choose my wife becuase she was not there. I chose someone else because she was. You do not understand the world that i live in as a combat soldier. Im not using this as an excuse by any since of the imagination.


Well let me play a song for your star spangled ***-hole! You make it sound like you were in Vietnam. If you were getting "blown up," you'd hardly have time to worry about getting some tale. I know for a FACT that a Muslim woman wasn't the one you screwed, so it was most likely a female soldier in or near your unit which would hardly qualify either of you as being "combat soldiers." 

You ****ed around because your wife was not there. Awesome excuse. Get over yourself!


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

justplainoldme said:


> and if i was you wouldnt do anything about it anyways so there was really no point in this post was there?


I'd like to see you take that "Private NOOB" attitude in front of your Company Commander because I guarantee you'd get smoked until you vomitted, then punished under UCMJ, then dishonorably discharged. Be happy your wife hasn't reported your ass to your chain of command. 

Now, go back to your little cubbyhole and wait for your NCO's next command...


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

You are a piece of work... I'm sorry you don't have time for your wife. Not sorry for you. I'm sorry for your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

justplainoldme said:


> Whatever the circumstances huh? Well i was in Afghanistan, I was getting blown up, and I didnt choose my wife becuase she was not there. I chose someone else because she was. You do not understand the world that i live in as a combat soldier. Im not using this as an excuse by any since of the imagination.


I do understand. You cheated on your wife and you are making excuses . You will see that posts are very negative. That is because most of us have heard this sort of thing before. It is justification. You felt bad enough to confess. ..

This is really tough **** to deal with and you are going to have to *process this yourself and admit there are no excuses to her.*


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

justplainoldme said:


> i truly feel bad about it, and i didnt intend for it to happen when it did.


Actually, you did intend for it to happen. Cheating is a deliberate and willful action/decision. So first, you need to start there by owning it. 

Understand she is really hurt by what you did which is why she keeps asking. If you can't see yourself dealing with this or working on it, it may be best to let her go. I know that sounds alarming and rash but it's true. 

Trust is like a glass vase. Once broken, you can glue it back together, but it's never quite the same again. 

You will have to be open and honest w/ her if you have any intention of making this work. My ex-H also confessed his cheating and in some ways I wish he never did. While I appreciated his honesty, something in me broke. I have never quite been the same since then.


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## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Trust is like a glass vase. Once broken, you can glue it back together, but it's never quite the same again.



This should be the quote of the day! Spoken so true!


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## justplainoldme (May 10, 2011)

well i understand what all of you are saying and i thank you for the advice. me and my wife are seeing a counselor starting in may when i get back home from this school im in. i really want it to work out with her, and like she says, if we make it through this nothing will be able to stop us then. 

thing about it is, me and my wife when we are together we are unstoppable, when we are good, we are great. it is just crazy how the shoe is on the other foot now. she cheated on me in our third year of marriage while i was in Iraq the first time, and i forgave her and never brought it up again. 

well again thanks for the advice fellas and ladies i appreciate it.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

justplainoldme said:


> well again thanks for the advice fellas and ladies i appreciate it.


Good luck.to you and your wife. Forgiving is an art. You mastered it. Help your wife to.


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