# at a loss



## GIJoel85 (Feb 19, 2013)

OK I am not one to put myself out there but here we go. My wife had an affair with another soldier.She slept with him while I was on training and when I found out she made every effort to justify it. " He's loney, he listens to me,he's just a friend,etc." She assured me he was out of the picture but something was not right. During that time I started to drink more and started smoking again. For a while I was living with a stranger who made every flaw and trouble my responsibility. It wasn't until I left for Afghanistan I found out why: she was still talking to this guy! She called me a monster because of me trying to stop it and this ass had the nerve to say I was a bad man. He had cut himself when I said it needed to stop and she blamed me for everything that had happened. I told her I was done with her and she still tried to justify everything that had happened. I told her that I didn't care about her excuses I am done. The next day I get a message from her saying that she wants to try for real.I had felt all chances were given but I still said yes and put back on my wedding band. I told her no more lies and if she does even about the weather I am done. That was a few months ago and we are talking as much as we can.I feel she is remorseful but sometimes I have my doubts. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right thing. Should I have gotten to her level and made her life a living hell like she did me. I just don't know sometimes. Thoughts?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Did you lay down any consequences for what she did? Or just keep giving her chances?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How do you know she is being faithful now?


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## GIJoel85 (Feb 19, 2013)

I told her that she needed to chose what she wanted, so yes I told her that I would leave her and. she didn't believe I would so she kept playing her game until I said I was done. 
I don't know if she is being faithful or not I do have access to her email but they're so many what ifs. That part is nerve racking even when she says she wants me home so she can prove she's doing her best.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Can you get her phone/text bills online and check to see who/when she is is calling and texting?

This is hard news that you have to worry about this while you are there sacrificing for our country. Stay safe, please.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

GIJoel85 said:


> OK I am not one to put myself out there but here we go. My wife had an affair with another soldier.She slept with him while I was on training and when I found out she made every effort to justify it. " He's loney, he listens to me,he's just a friend,etc." She assured me he was out of the picture but something was not right. During that time I started to drink more and started smoking again. For a while I was living with a stranger who made every flaw and trouble my responsibility. It wasn't until I left for Afghanistan I found out why: she was still talking to this guy! She called me a monster because of me trying to stop it and this ass had the nerve to say I was a bad man. He had cut himself when I said it needed to stop and she blamed me for everything that had happened. I told her I was done with her and she still tried to justify everything that had happened. I told her that I didn't care about her excuses I am done. The next day I get a message from her saying that she wants to try for real.I had felt all chances were given but I still said yes and put back on my wedding band. I told her no more lies and if she does even about the weather I am done. That was a few months ago and we are talking as much as we can.I feel she is remorseful but sometimes I have my doubts. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right thing. Should I have gotten to her level and made her life a living hell like she did me. I just don't know sometimes. Thoughts?


Barring a complete emotional epiphany on her part, I think your marriage is doomed. From your description it seems that your wife is a pathological nurturer, someone whose self-esteem is tied completely to others being emotionally dependent on her. The fact of the matter is that, with the exception of domestic postings such as JAG or the investigative service of your branch, a military career (especially infantry) is not at all conducive to a healthy marriage, especially in an era of protracted foreign occupation that is going to keep you away from home for long periods. Your wife is going to have ample opportunity and, assuming you live in base housing, a large population of physically-fit, testosterone-soaked grunts that will nail anything that moves and nudge it first just to be sure.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

You just told her you are done and look at how she acts. How many times has she tried "for real".

Ok this time for real, no wait, for real this time, no wait, that was fake, this time for real..........

You are going to be dealing with an addict who cannot control her passions. Consequences, transparency and obliging to EVERY DEMAND YOU MAKE at ONCE or else just LEAVE MY LIFE, simple, no hard feelings, bye!


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I won't debate whether you made the right decision to take her back. That's a personal choice that every betrayed spouse has to make.

But, since you do apparently want to reconcile, the key to improving your chances is fairly simple. She must show "complete" remorse and she must agree to be completely transparent going forward. There is no need to come off as an "a-hole" in the process. In fact, it will only hurt your marriage.

How can your wife demonstrate that she's remorseful?

- She should send a no contact letter to the AP, that you approve, and never have any contact with him in the future.

- She should demonstrate by her "actions" that she is remorseful, not just feeling guilty. No rug sweeping, no blame shifting, answering any of your questions, being open to communication about your feelings at any time - and there is no time limit on this. You should never hear from her at any point in the future - "you need to get over this". 

- You should expose the affair to her family, your family, and his significant other - if he has one; and she should willingly accept this. This will reduce the chances of a continuance of her infidelity and provide her with a real world consequence.

- She should agree to go to MC with you. 

In other words, she should be falling all over herself to show you how remorseful she is.

And transparency?

- She should give you all passwords to cell phones and computers and have absolutely no problem with you monitoring her for as long as you feel the need. There are no more secrets in your marriage. 

- You should monitor her both directly and discreetly. Discreetly meaning VAR in her car and perhaps key logging her computer - at least until she proves herself reliable after a few weeks or months.

My first impression from your description of her is that she may not comply with all this, the way she blame shifted in the beginning. If she doesn't, you need to be prepared to walk away. As is often advised on this forum, you have to be willing to loose your marriage to save it. 

But there is hope for your marriage as long as she is willing to do this heavy lifting and you hold her accountable for doing it.

Good luck and thank you for your service.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

I didn't discover TAM until after 2 months of my D-day. Now i wish i would of cause, i never held my WS responsible and just took it up the hiney for 2 months, thinking i deserved it. I did so many things wrong the first 2 months. It made it a lot harder for me to start holding her responsible. But when i finally got a sack to do that. My WS did a complete 180 and now she is basically eating out of my hand. Which should should of been doing in the first place. So now that it is working this way for myself, I am struggling with do i really want to R, I'm kinda thinking at the moment I'm doing the false R with my WS. But with stuff like this your mind is all over the place. So who knows what i will feel tomorrow or shoot even 2 hours from now. Be ready to feel the same way if you decide to R.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

She screws another man and puts your health at risk for STD's because the OM was lonely? Are you kidding me? She has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

She minimized it (he's just a friend), justified it (he's lonely), and then blame shifted (blaming you). She didn't think you would leave, when you did she backtracked. She has followed the "cheaters script" to the letter so far. 

She needs to show true remorse, she needs to have consequences. You returned the following day? I am afraid you are her back up plan. Please educate yourself about infidelity. Spend some time reading the threads under CWI, you will quickly learn to recognize what works and what doesn't. 

Do you have any way of knowing what she is doing while you are away? Mutual friends? Neighbors? I wouldn't advise you to blindly trust that she is being faithful while you are deployed. 

I am sorry that you find yourself here, but TAM is an excellent resource to have when you are in this situation. Read and absorb the knowledge of those that have walked in your shoes.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Just dump her ... divorce her .... trash her reputation (like she needs help with that?) .... and move on with your life. She is nothing but human garbage and you should be treating her like the garbage she is. You shouldn't even be thinking about being with her again the way she disrespects you and screwed another guy. Just do yourself a favor and don't re-marry until your military career is done.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Ages?
Marriage length?
Kids?
Is she also a soldier?
How much Army time left?

I'm with most above and thinking D.

Don't get too involved again until you are out. I know ~10 military and like 7 were cheated on.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

GIJoel85, what are your boundaires? Did she send a NC letter, is she transparent in her whereabouts anc comunication devices? Did she disclose the affair to your entire satisfaction? Did she ever seek professional advice, read any book, joined a specialized forum... something to fix this?
Keep TAM as your safe place and send her to SurvivingInfidelity or alike.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

GIJoel85 said:


> I told her that she needed to chose what she wanted, so yes I told her that I would leave her and. she didn't believe I would so she kept playing her game until I said I was done.
> I don't know if she is being faithful or not I do have access to her email but they're so many what ifs. That part is nerve racking even when she says she wants me home so she can prove she's doing her best.


 She cheated when you were with her and continued to cheat once you caught her. Now that you are deployed, she can have an even easier time cheating while continuing to cash your paycheck.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

He needs to be reported to his Command!!! They will order him to stop and ship him overseas immediately if not kick him out. Military cheating withanother Military members spouse is dealt with severely!!


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Does she have a US Passport? Does she like to travel?

Have her visit you in Afganistan. Pick her up at the Airport, go to the market and buy her one of the blue burrka's (and maybe a goat, if you want to go all out!)and have her put it on. Find one of the female only bus stops and tell her to wait there, you are going to check the IED report. After three days go back to the bus stop and look for the goat. If you don't find your wife and the goat, it was just not ment to be. I hope this helps alittle, I have been in your shoes. David


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The thing you really need to look at is what is your wife doing to affair proof her marriage?

What is she going to do in learning the tools to prevent these unhealthy choices.

She made some bad choices and is not facing her own issues with regard to being emotionally healthy individual. If she doesn't have these tools to be emotionaly health as an individual how do you expect her to have a healthy marriage?

Her blameshifting is a good sign that she is not looking at her self and her issues she has in making bad choices and why she does the thing she does. 

So with that said she is strongly heading towards repeating her bad behaviors with regards to her choice to commit adultory again.

I would insist that your wife start seeing a therapist and start addressing her own issues with regard to intitlement, validation issues, self esteem, or what every issue she may have that made her take the easy way out and decieve you instead of facing you and leaving the marriage if she was lonely.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

If you don't have children with this woman I think it's best to close the books on her. At best she's content to have you be her husband from afar - as long as the monthly checks keep rolling in. 

If you have kids, then you probably owe it to them to wait until you return to see if there is any hope. I just don't see it from what little you've shared here. But it's enough that she conducted an affair right under your very nose and bad-mouthed you to boot.

Have you been faithful during your marriage to her (pre-affair)?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

When a woman does to you what she did, you don’t just take her back at her request. It tells her that she can do whatever she wants to you again. I think you ought to divorce her, play the field a bit, and if you don't find someone more loyal, you can always start dating her and see where it goes.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

ThePheonix said:


> When a woman does to you what she did, you don’t just take her back at her request. It tells her that she can do whatever she wants to you again. I think you ought to divorce her, play the field a bit, and if you don't find someone more loyal, you can always start dating her and see where it goes.


I think you need to realy push the wayward away to see how bad they want the marriage. In what I mean by push....push them in to IC, accountablity, transparentcy, and other consequences like no m ore GNO's and a NC letter.


Hell did she even write and send OM an NC letter.


Fo some of the vets here a NC letter is so basic and rule #1 when it comes to R...we all often forget to tell the betrayed that rule of thumb.


So Joe, has she writen a no contact letter to the otherman denounce the affair and OM and affirmation towards you?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

If the OM is still on base, she should go to his CO and out him. Then ask for couseling. But IMO none of this is going to happen. She won't do it. That will tell you all you need to know.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

I'm not totally against outing the OM to his wife, family or his employer. However, I don't see it as anything but revenge. If the wife wants to keep "giving it up" to another, it means she wants him more than you. If you have to ham string the OM to keep her away, what the purpose of wanting to stay with her. Ditch her and find someone who really wants to be with you. Do you really want a who’d rather be with the other guy than you?”


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You didn't answer the question. What actual consequences has she faced? Not just words or threats, real consequences? Did she send a no-contact letter? Has the POSOM's command been informed that he broke the UCMJ and committed adultery? Has she been outed to her family? How did she meet him? Has she totally and permanently left wherever it was she met him?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> I'm not totally against outing the OM to his wife, family or his employer. However, I don't see it as anything but revenge. If the wife wants to keep "giving it up" to another, it means she wants him more than you. If you have to ham string the OM to keep her away, what the purpose of wanting to stay with her. Ditch her and find someone who really wants to be with you. Do you really want a who’d rather be with the other guy than you?”


To break the fog and re-set her thinking he needs to take swift firm action. She has to feel real consequence. Not just her guilt or his anger, but the consequence of her actions. It's not about revenge. It's about her knowing that her actions will lead to very undesirable ends. It's about her learning that her husband is a MAN, not a doormat who will tolerate being cuckolded. Revenge is the furthest thing from this. When my son loses his IPOD because he forgot to turn in his homework, it's not about revenge, it's about taking responsibility for what you've done. And this wife isn't 10 years old, so that responsibility is going to feel a bit more grown up. It's the price of reconciliation, and it's not for the faint of heart. It takes true remorse to accept and not bolt.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

WOM, you nailed it,

OP this fantasy your oldlady has is not healthy and when it comes to protecting your self from getting burned again you need to expose the affair for what it is....a fantasy.

And no better why then to expose to the AP spouse and watch the AP dis the WS when they throw your WS under the bus to save their own @ss/marriage!

Exposure not only shuts the fantasy down but it give you an extra set of eyes in making the fantasy inconvienent and uncomfortable to continue.

Its not revenge but a tactic to save a marriage a keep the family unit together.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

First thing you should do is to protect your finances. To many cheating military spouses have cleaned out bank accounts a few weeks before the deployed spouse returns from deployment and decides to divorce. Move your savings to a separate account only you have access too. 
*
Notify your chain of command immediately*. Talk with the chaplain. Keep a log of everything that has happened.

Remember your deployed. She will say anything to keep the cash flow coming in while she is using your money to party and........

I'm sure you know where I'm headed with this.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

AlphaHalf said:


> First thing you should do is to protect your finances. To many cheating military spouses have cleaned out bank accounts a few weeks before the deployed spouse returns from deployment and decides to divorce. Move your savings to a separate account only you have access too.
> *
> Notify your chain of command immediately*. Talk with the chaplain. Keep a log of everything that has happened.


And move direct deposit to a new account.


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