# Wife Asking For Divorce – How Much Space



## Fastdude (Oct 29, 2014)

My wife and I have been married for only about a year and a half but unfortunately have had problems for most of that time. At the 6 month mark, my wife found out about the fact that I had cheated on her for a good portion of the time we spent dating and engaged (Four years). This was an absolute shock to her and she has had major trust issues and trouble feeling loved ever since. We have been in therapy for the last year working on building trust and improving our communication, and I thought things had improved significantly. We also brought up the possibility of going bi-weekly, and our therapist agreed it was time. 

Much to my surprise, however, my wife told me she wanted a divorce recently. She says she has felt unloved over all of the last year and that she doesn’t think I ever loved her. One of her major complaints is that I’ve never been romantic enough with her and have never taken the time to learn how or try. She asked me to do this after she found out about the cheating to make it up to her. This is generally true and something I really regret. Even though she told me she needed this, I wasn’t making time for our relationship and focusing on the things she was asking for, and the effects of this were compounded by the cheating.

A couple weeks ago she hits me with the bombshell that she wants out. She says that she loves me and is in love me but that I can’t make her happy, pointing to the fact that I never did enough to redeem myself for the cheating. She also says that she is unhappy all the time and that she doesn’t know who she is because she has always been catering to my needs. She says she wants to focus on herself right now. 

My immediate reaction was shock and pleading with her that I could change, etc. As you might expect, this didn’t get me much more than some sympathy from her. She ended up moving into the guest bedroom but also agreed to stay in the house and spend time with me until the new year. However, she has made very clear that she is not going to work on anything because she is tired or working on our relationship without the effort being reciprocated. 

I have been reading a lot about relationships and about reconnecting with an estranged spouse. I’ve tried some different things, such as buying her flowers, cooking her dinner, taking her out, etc. Trying to make those romantic gestures she has wanted. When we have gone out and she has some drinks, she usually starts getting affectionate. One of those times she even said something about maybe we could have a future together. On the other hand, any time I bring up anything about a possible future she shuts me down pretty quickly. I’ve also been talking to her a little bit and working on some of the changes I want to make such as opening up more emotionally to people and developing more friendships outside of a relationship. 

So to sum it up, she claims to still love me and be in love with me but says she has decided she cannot be with me because I don’t make her happy and she doesn’t think I ever can. If I say anything about changing myself, she encourages me but tries to make clear that for her it is too little too late. Sometimes she gets angry when I talk about changing too, saying it makes her mad that I am capable of it but haven’t taken the time or made the effort. 

I’ve tried hard to back off on using her for any type of support or reassurance, but its hard for me. I’m used to relying on her a lot for that stuff. She seems to open up to me when I back off, but then I get my hopes up and try to get reassurance from her and get shut down. I’m fighting the urge to just say screw it and push the divorce along quickly because it hurts so damn much. But I really do want to save this if at all possible.

So my question is how much should I be proactive right now. I feel conflicted because, on the one hand, her major issue with our relationship is my lack of romance, so I want to try to give that to her as much as possible. But on the other hand, I don’t want to come off as needy or pushy. Any ideas on the right balance here?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I'm afraid you're not going to like anything I have to say, but here goes:



Fastdude said:


> ...my wife found out about the fact that I had cheated on her for a good portion of the time we spent dating and engaged (Four years).


I'm sorry you're in this position, but you really dealt your own hand here. How would you EXPECT her to feel after finding out that you were cheating for four years, during the time leading up to your wedding which is supposed to be one of the happiest times in a new bride and groom's life? (But not in your case, because your newlywed period was built on lies.)



Fastdude said:


> This was an absolute shock to her and she has had major trust issues and trouble feeling loved ever since.


Seriously? Can you BLAME her?! 



Fastdude said:


> Much to my surprise, however, my wife told me she wanted a divorce recently. She says she has felt unloved over all of the last year and that she doesn’t think I ever loved her.


It can't come as that much of a surprise. Would you want to remain married to someone who had cheated on you during your four years of engagement?



Fastdude said:


> A couple weeks ago she hits me with the *bombshell* that she wants out.


Again, how surprised (bombshell) can you really be after four years of cheating? 



Fastdude said:


> So to sum it up, she claims to still love me and be in love with me but says she has decided she cannot be with me because I don’t make her happy and she doesn’t think I ever can.


I don't believe she is really "in love" with you. I believe her when she says she doesn't think you could ever make her happy.



Fastdude said:


> So my question is how much should I be proactive right now. I feel conflicted because, on the one hand, *her major issue with our relationship is my lack of romance*, so I want to try to give that to her as much as possible. But on the other hand, I don’t want to come off as needy or pushy. Any ideas on the right balance here?


That's the poor excuse she's using to cover up her pain. Her "real" major issue is the fact that you cheated on her for four years and she can never trust you again.

This early into the relationship, no kids, let her go find someone who can truly love and respect her. You may THINK you love her, but if you really did, you would have never cheated on her for four years. If you really loved her, cheating would have never even crossed your mind.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You cheated on your wife for 4 years leading up to the wedding. Then when she gives you a chance to fix things, you did not take her seriously.

What did you expect when so far about all you have done is to treat her with gross disrespect?

You might want to get the book "His Needs, Her Needs". This way you can learn how you are supposed to treat a wife and why she's pulled away as she has.

Just let her go. What you have done to her is destroying her. And all you really seem to care about is that she's not giving you the support you want.

Geez


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## Fastdude (Oct 29, 2014)

Thanks for the reply. Believe me, I regret what I did. It was a huge mistake, and I would never do it again. I've given her access to all my accounts and phone, etc, over the past year, and I've never given her a reason to doubt my loyalty and fidelity to her. The truth is that most of this happened during our first 2 years of dating and as things got more serious for me it ended. I understand your reaction but please consider whether you really know enough about my relationship to say that I dont love my wife. Respectfully, I don't think you do.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Fastdude said:


> Thanks for the reply. Believe me, I regret what I did.


I have no doubt that you are filled with regret.



Fastdude said:


> I've never given her a reason to doubt my loyalty and fidelity to her.


Yes you have. You cheated on her for two years. One year of "honesty" doesn't erase the other two years before.



Fastdude said:


> I understand your reaction but *please consider whether you really know enough about my relationship* to say that I dont love my wife. Respectfully, I don't think you do.


Of course I don't know much about YOUR specific relationship. But after being in relationships for the past 35 years, I can tell you that people who are truly "in love" don't cheat on their partners. They honor them, cherish them, hold them above all others. Not scr*w someone else and then come home and give a hollow "I love you." 

If you're looking for justification or someone to pat you on the back and tell you your love is authentic, I'm the wrong poster. Perhaps someone else will come along soon and do that. 

Your post comes across as someone who is riddled with guilt and is desperate to find a way to "fix" it. Sadly, I don't believe you can.

I truly am sorry you're in this situation.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Fastdude said:


> Thanks for the reply. Believe me, I regret what I did. It was a huge mistake, and I would never do it again. I've given her access to all my accounts and phone, etc, over the past year, and I've never given her a reason to doubt my loyalty and fidelity to her. The truth is that most of this happened during our first 2 years of dating and as things got more serious for me it ended. I understand your reaction but please consider whether you really know enough about my relationship to say that I dont love my wife. Respectfully, I don't think you do.


I married a guy who did this to me as well. What I do get is that someone who truly loves their spouse would never hurt them on this level. They would also work to meet their spouses' stated needs instead of just blowing them off.

Love is a verb. It's action. Actions always speak a lot louder than words. Your wife knows this and that's what's driving her actions now.


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## Fastdude (Oct 29, 2014)

I've learned a great deal about cheating and myself over the last year. While it's easy to say that someone could never do such a thing if he loves his spouse, I know that I love my wife and acted out to try to avoid the feelings of true intimacy that come along with a healthy relationship. My perspective completely changed after this came to light because I saw the pain it caused and got in touch with why I was doing it. As for my actions over the last year, I didn't do enough in trying to earn her forgiveness in the ways she needed it. Some of it was lack of communication on her part. In fact, even our therapist thought things were better and said we were ready to go to biweekly sessions. Some of it was also because I was trying to show love in the ways I understand rather than the ways she understands. The message didn't get through, but I wasn't intentionally blowing her off. 

I know that I love her deeply and want to repair what is broken and help her through this. I'm just scared of doing too much or the wrong thing and pushing her away even further.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

You still have the mindset of:



> Much to my surprise, however, my wife told me she wanted a divorce recently.
> 
> snip
> 
> A couple weeks ago she hits me with the bombshell that she wants out.


Which shows you still clearly haven't accepted what you did. So how can you accept that she has? "Surprise"? "Bombshell"? For 4 years out of a 5 and a 1/2 relationship (sorry, i meant 'relationship'), you were cheating on her. She had given you her heart and her complete trust, and (it seems by the style of your writing and the words you use) you still have no real clue about the lasting damage you've caused her. 

It never left her, it may never leave her. It's just been there, simmering, while she consciously or unconsciously decided what she needed to do to. So when it finally surfaced and she made her choice, you were "surprised"? Really?

Equally, you appear to have gone from one extreme to the other. A cheating... to an overdoing it, trying too hard, shoving your 'love' down her throat, smothering version of "I AM your husband, you WILL appreciate all i'm doing. You WILL love me!!"

Back.The.F.Off. 

There's only one thing (that i can see) that she needs from you right now. Space. A lot of space. Preferably physical space, and definitely emotional space. After all that's happened in the 5.5 years, she is going to need time and space to be able to heal and sort out her own mind. Without your fears (and that's what they are. It's not genuine contrition) of her deciding that you are no longer going to be part of her life and that you will to appear to have failed. 

Newsflash. You already have! 

And yet you're still 'surprised' by what your actions have caused. 

And she sees that. More than you are realizing. That's possibly why she has now decided to to get away from you. She knows you still don't 'get it'.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

After everything, you just need to give her the divorce. No questions asked. Move on. You had no marriage to save.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Seriously, if you give two sh!t about anyone besides yourself you'll give her a divorce and let her go. My guess though is that everything has always been about you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

the cold stark truth is if your wife came here instead of you the majority would be advising her to divorce and move on


the reality of having a true reconciliation from infidelity is a very long and arduous road and one that requires a lot of remorse and heavy lifting from the wayward

and when you have a marriage that just got started with no children, well, frankly in 99% of the cases it just isn't worth it for the betrayed to take such a journey when the risk vs reward ratio is very lopsided. Not that divorce is easy, but in this case I believe it to be a better option for your wife.

The best thing for you to do is to let her go

I suggest you get find a good therapist to help you prevent you from engaging in such destructive behaviors in the future 

If you really do insist on trying to save the marriage then still go to the therapist and learn what it means to be faithful and a better person and how to atone. I highly suggest you read the newbie link in my signature for more information as to what a remorseful cheater does and how they atone.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Now you know what will happen when you do this again. 

Question is, will you learn.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Fastdude said:


> Thanks for the reply. Believe me, I regret what I did. It was a huge mistake, and I would never do it again. I've given her access to all my accounts and phone, etc, over the past year, and I've never given her a reason to doubt my loyalty and fidelity to her. *The truth is that most of this happened during our first 2 years of dating and as things got more serious for me it ended.* I understand your reaction but please consider whether you really know enough about my relationship to say that I dont love my wife. Respectfully, I don't think you do.


The fact that you're trying to qualify your behaviours, as if the fact that you cheated less as the relationship went makes it better, must scream out to your wife.

I'm sorry that you're in this position. I empathize with you and sympathize with your wife... It's not like she can look back to the "good days" before the cheating, as an anchor to hold her to you.

All she can look back at is that her life with you has been a lie.

Move on, don't ask for a thing from her, learn your lessons, and don't be so selfish again.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Some things can't be fixed.
I'm surprised she even agreed to marital counseling, since this is not really a maritial issue. It's an issue of your personal behavior and not hers.

What your wife is asking for (divorce) is reasonable. If you love her, you would give this to her willingly and not make her life miserable with being part of you trying to fix yourself.


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