# How to get your life back?



## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

How do you guys cope when your wife had a EA/PA affair? We're getting a divorce but she still lives at the house and just seeing her makes me angry and prevents me from moving on. Lawyer says I can't make her move out. Being HS sweethearts and 14 years, being too naive to see what has been going on behind my back for well over a year is has all but killed me.

I constantly think about the relationship they had and thinking about another man having sex with my wife has just killed my confidence and everything else. I can't seem to move forward from this and don't see myself moving forward for a very long time. The betrayal is so bad that I'm left devastated. I feel like I will never heal from this. She makes it that much worse in the fact that she doesn't seem to give a ****. How did you guys cope when you still had to see her and how long before those feelings pass and you stop thinking about their sexual relationship, the lies and deceit, and lack or remorse?


----------



## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

theexpendable said:


> How do you guys cope when your wife had a EA/PA affair? We're getting a divorce but she still lives at the house and just seeing her makes me angry and prevents me from moving on. Lawyer says I can't make her move out. Being HS sweethearts and 14 years, being too naive to see what has been going on behind my back for well over a year is has all but killed me.
> 
> I constantly think about the relationship they had and thinking about another man having sex with my wife has just killed my confidence and everything else. I can't seem to move forward from this and don't see myself moving forward for a very long time. The betrayal is so bad that I'm left devastated. I feel like I will never heal from this. She makes it that much worse in the fact that she doesn't seem to give a ****. How did you guys cope when you still had to see her and how long before those feelings pass and you stop thinking about their sexual relationship, the lies and deceit, and lack or remorse?


Sorry but the 'punishment' for going either way - divorce or reconciliation is that in truth you never get your life back.

You simply get a new life either way 

In reconciliation you have to start afresh as if its a new relationship for trying to live as if the 'black hole' - the adultery never happened is a guarantee that the reconciliation will not be one - a reconciliation. It will be an exercise in rug sweeping that will inevitably resurface again and again and in most case result in a divorce anyways! 

In splitting / divorce you will have the scars of the deceit etched in your mind permanently, they will never not be there, but on a positive note that can protect you from making the same mistakes with another cheat ever again 

In my experience and from what I've seen on here trying hang on to what ever you had before in each scenario is just a recipe for disaster.

Sadly it's what cheating lying deceit infidelity cuts into you - the betrayed. 

Its just sad and exasperating that there's no human way the intending adulterer cannot get a snapshot of the feeling of what its like to be on the end of their treachery or else they might not do it

Once you get your head around the fact that your old life is over, that kind of life, whatever it was, then you can begin to embrace the new you, the new existence, and start to move forward 

Good luck


----------



## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Headspin said:


> Sorry but the 'punishment' for going either way - divorce or reconciliation is that in truth you never get your life back.
> 
> You simply get a new life either way
> 
> ...


:iagree:


----------



## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Agree completely, well said. The only condolence is that it does get better with time. 2 years from DDay for me. The key for me was complete NC. I have not seen the x for16 months and we she lives 5 blocks from me. Just driving by POSOM House knowing she is inside createdare coming from problems for me. Now I don't go by there, and if I do I look the other way....this is after 2 years!
I understand standing your ground, but it will make it especially hard for you IMO. I'd spend as little time there as possible, go to the gym and workout. You didn't say anything about kids...I would take them with me if that's what it took.. 30 year marriage here buddy, I know where you are coming from. New life coming to you, up to you to make it a better one, Unfortanetly some $hit coming your way pretty steady for a while Stay here on TAM good help available


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You deal by making the best of the new opportunity you have and rebuilding your life in the best way possible. I have no experience with R. 

My wife did not give a rip either. Her cheating was my fault because I didn't make enough for her to have nice things. She had no remorse at all. I understand the lack of remorse from a cheating spouse. The process of divorce sucked but the opportunity once you are through it and she is out of your everyday life is a blessing. 

Embrace the opportunity. Stay focused and find positive ways to invest your time and energy. Take care of your health, Workout, spend some time with hobbies you like etc. 

It does get better 
All the best
WD
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Treat her as if she doesn't even exist. Only give short answers about divorce questions.

In some type of sick way, I think WS actually help process their own emotional turmoil (yes as humans I do think they still have feelings even if they do not show the person they betrayed) by feeding off the display of pain from the BS.

I think they are able to feel better about themselves as a person, despite their crappy actions, through seeing that the BS still has feelings and cares about them. 

I think this happens because most people get their self-image as a lovable person, and a person worthy of love by seeing emotional attachment/feelings reflected back on them (almost like a mirror).

Its why so many of the WS in these threads tell their BS they still want to remain friends. They still want to see that emotional validation, despite their betrayal.

Showing her that you don't give a s**t about her, even if its an act at first, will help give you a sense of self-respect by denying this to her. She probably won't like it, and her upset will help restore at least some of your confidence.

After awhile, this detachment will no longer be an act. And this will be exactly what you need for moving on from an unworthy spouse.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I don't claim to know a whole lot about any of this---I don't think anyone does---each and every situation is completely different---tho many do fit into general categories---hence you do get excellent advice---IN GENERAL

The one thing I would say is---that in a D, the cheater is NOT there day after day, triggering you---in a R---she/he is there and no matter how good you think things might be going---you will still get triggered, because of the contact with the cheater, and your sub--conscious is always there sticking the needle in.

Beyond that---everyone is different---some just deal with it---move on, whichever way they choose to go---and that's it---there are those that go zero tolerance---and whatever they feel after all is said and done---once again who knows

They all live in their own private world, and who really knows what they experience

This is all on you, and only you, only you walk in your footsteps.


----------



## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Fake it until you make it. 

Don't mope around the house. Get active. Cook nutritious meals for yourself, go out and buy nice cclothes, get to a gym and start lifting weights. Dress up and start going out and meeting people. Move on with your life and let her see you do it. It won't resurrect your relationship but doing all this will wipe some of that smugness off of her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Been where you are at except my wife turned and we are now in R. But from February6 (this year) till late April it was hel*. I could not legally kick her out and she moved into one of the upstairs bedrooms. And I was starting the D process. Keep conversations short, finances, business stuff. Start dividing up the stuff. At some point that will need to be done. It is easier if the two of you agree on property division instead of paying attorneys to sort it out. 

Get out and do some things for yourself. Don't be mooping around the house.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Perhaps it would help you consider that it had nothing to do with you and what you did or didn't do? High school sweethearts means neither of you have experienced much and those relationships often fail. Unfortunate she would cheat and not just end the marriage but you could have been God's personal gift to her and she would have done the same thing. Let it go, another woman will appreciate you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

You " CAN " have" YOUR "life back, but you have to give it back to yourself! The thing is, you have been fed a line of bull%%%% about your life.

I flew back to the USA to bury my oldest brother and seeing him in the casket all prettied up made me think," OK I'm next!" It also made me think," Why am I worrying about "Less than faithful" ex wife when I am going to end up like this guy?" The thing is we only get one shot at having fun in this body, and then we die! Your wife will not help you have a better life, ONLY YOU WILL!
Your laughter in life, or sadness comes from you and only you.
It's like really fat people, no one is shoving food down there throats, they are.
Your soon to be ex wife is not making you sad, you are. It took me twenty five years to figure this out about my ex. I hope you can learn from my mistake.

Today, I followed this young woman who was wearing short shorts and a tank top to the park and started talking to her, she told me that most men were to afraid to talk to her and that she was so happy that someone was just talking to her. It really made my day. The point is, there are other women out there for you. Don't fear the future, embrace it, love it, look forward to it! Its going to come, you have the choice to be happy or sad about it!
Just my 2 cents David


----------



## Myka (Apr 11, 2013)

The problem is you are trying to get your life BACK. Let's be honest. That life sucked. Your wife was cheating on you. You don't want it back. You want a new better life. 

Rethink everything you thought you wanted. Those decisions were made when you were planning for two. Make new decisions for you, and only you. Don't go digging in the garbage for something that you should have thrown away.


----------



## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Write down a list of all the old hobbies you used to enjoy doing before you were married and your selfish, cheating wife came in and sucked away your joy. 

Then write down a list of things that you would be interested in trying. A 'bucket list". 

Go back and rekindle an old hobby and start hanging out with other people who are into that same hobby. You can find such groups online. As for the bucket list, put a deadline date next to each item and make it a goal to tick each one off one by one over the next few years.


----------



## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

There's a lot of pain that goes coursing through you. We all know it. Some of us get violent or verbally lash out, and others shut down or sulk. 

There is no way out except through, and it's a shame there isn't an easier way. 

Originally I started going out and talking to girls. That was probably the biggest thing that began to repair my ego. Talking to friends helps. 

For me at least, the speed at which I started going out helped tremendously. It helped me move forward. 

No More Mr Nice Guy is a good read.


----------



## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

Great ideas guys. I know I have to stay busy and get my butt out of the house. My friends have been great and I'm actually hanging out with some tonight. I think I'm starting to detach and leave that life behind little by little. I really have to watch my mouth. I make little jabs about the affair trying to solicit some sort of emotion/remorse/answers but get nothing. I have to just let it go.


----------



## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

theexpendable said:


> Great ideas guys. I know I have to stay busy and get my butt out of the house. My friends have been great and I'm actually hanging out with some tonight. I think I'm starting to detach and leave that life behind little by little. I really have to watch my mouth. I make little jabs about the affair trying to solicit some sort of emotion/remorse/answers but get nothing. I have to just let it go.


Stay on the 180 and don't talk to her. Treat her like a plant, a piece of furniture. If you do have to talk to her, think Mr. Spock....

Go to a good department store like Nordstroms or Kohls and ask a sales*woman*, not man, to help you pick out some clothes. If possible, pick a saleswoman who is of the approximate age group of women you will be dating. Go boldly up to her and tell her you know little about fashion, and that you need help picking out some nice looking casual wear that you can wear to clubs or parties. Make sure you get a nice pair of shoes to match.

Women are great for this. She can help you pick out clothes that you look good in, and the conversation will boost your confidence in talking to a woman. 

Then invest in a good quality cologne. 

Then go to a salon and get your hair cut by a professional who knows what she's doing. 

When your WW sees you stepping out on a Friday all swank and smelling good, it will give her pause. And if you come home at 4:00 a.m. the next morning, it will piss her off beyond measure; and you get to see the extent of her hypocricy in all its ugly glory.


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

My Ex moved out a year ago. After D, she started seeing my next door neighbor, so I moved. I have to get my kids in a new school district but it got me away from her.

I don't make jabs about her affair(s). Like you were saying let it go. There is a lot more out there than letting someone treat you like crap. Healing takes a while. Get out, take any anger out at the gym. It pays dividends. Have fun. I am sorry you are here.

The life you had is chapter 1. It is done and closed. Start writing chapter 2. Make it your masterpiece so start writing and make sure it will be worth reading for lots of people!


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Repeat ............this is what the 180 is expressly for. You have a hard row to hoe. But in the end you will be better off.

180 memorize it and do not skip steps.

If she gives you the wanta be friends speech, tell her all you want is to see is her lying, cheating fat ass in your rear view mirror.

Join a gym, weight lifting builds your body, rests your mind, creates pain killing hormones and chemicals for your mind, attitude, and body.

READ MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER NOW

You have been given a fresh start, a do over. If your wife was this low, you needed to get away from her anyway. We all know what this makes her. She has to live with herself , thank God you don't have to live with her much longer.


----------



## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> My Ex moved out a year ago. After D, she started seeing my next door neighbor, so I moved. I have to get my kids in a new school district but it got me away from her.
> 
> I don't make jabs about her affair(s). Like you were saying let it go. There is a lot more out there than letting someone treat you like crap. Healing takes a while. Get out, take any anger out at the gym. It pays dividends. Have fun. I am sorry you are here.
> 
> The life you had is chapter 1. It is done and closed. Start writing chapter 2. Make it your masterpiece so start writing and make sure it will be worth reading for lots of people!


Is that your ex or your girlfriend with you on your avatar?


----------



## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

I don't want that life back. Her PA killed the marriage and the man that I was. Something new slithered into my skin that day. Who I am now is nothing like who I used to be. I'm trying to determine if R is possible. If so, great. If not, great. When I felt this change happen, I thought that perhaps she interpreted it to be a facade, just a phase in my grieving. That she didn't appreciate the tectonic shift that had happened. One night, while we were outside together, I got very close to her, looking her in the eye. She started breathing fast, her hands anxiously toying with her ring. She was petrified, the way a sheep would be when a wolf came sniffing around. She had her come to Jesus moment right then. She's always had a degree of insight into me, and I think what got to her was looking into my eyes and seeing a stranger. 

Don't yearn for the past. Embrace the future, own it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

It would be even more strange if you didn't feel anything like you do now. 

Have you talked to her sister ?


----------



## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> It would be even more strange if you didn't feel anything like you do now.
> 
> Have you talked to her sister ?


That would certainly be a vicious RA. I like it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

It takes a butt load of deep down desire to be happy in the wake of infidelity. My coping was my friends and family knowing what I was going through. I tried to shoulder the emotional burden all on my own. My problem my concern, right? Well this effects other relationships, work and other. It finally took my brother, him and I are close. He said "don't let her win, you are better than that. He went on to say I love you brother but you are dying. That hit rather close.
I decided to put down the "drink" and try to put my fragmented life back together. In the wake of my on duty injuries, I had to be careful. I first started running again, I hate it but I had good lungs and could run long ways. Then I turned to throwing the iron around. Three days run with two days weights. All the while eating good food. Nothing processed, easy on the bread, butter and anything that taste good  
The next thing I know it's six months later, I looked in the mirror and I noticed I was smiling again. This is what happy looks like. There is a cause and effect with this. For me, never ever cheated, never tempted, never strayed. Now it was okay to do so. To date that is. I loved the attention and forgot what it was like to feel that sensation. I'm 43 and when your turning 25 year old heads, well lets say it's an ego boost.
Another six months goes by and lo and behold I meet the most incredible woman. Damn why couldn't I find her first. Oh well. Nothing helps you forget about the crazy person in your life, as the angel that god sends to help mend your heart and your life.
So that's how I cope, find that angel, it will change your life. I hope I answered your question.


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

LostViking said:


> Is that your ex or your girlfriend with you on your avatar?


She is my girlfriend. She is great but has her issues. I met her after my EX traded me in for my neighbor.


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

There are so many great people out there. Why waste time hating and wanting revenge? Live well and look to having a wonderful life and it will come to you.


----------



## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> She is my girlfriend. She is great but has her issues. I met her after my EX traded me in for my neighbor.


We all have issues! LOL!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You'll probably be wondering what you did to make her disrespect you enough to cheat on you.

I had those feelings, too. 

But it wasn't us. It was them. They cheated because they felt like it.


----------



## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

You're exactly right. I've been thinking about what in the hell did I do that was so bad to make you do this to our family. Our 2 year old son for god sakes. Don't think I will ever get the answers and that hurts because after all this time I think she at least owes me that. I know I would want to get that off my back if the roles were reversed.


----------



## Myka (Apr 11, 2013)

theexpendable said:


> You're exactly right. I've been thinking about what in the hell did I do that was so bad to make you do this to our family. Our 2 year old son for god sakes. Don't think I will ever get the answers and that hurts because after all this time I think she at least owes me that. I know I would want to get that off my back if the roles were reversed.


It's about what she wants, not what you did. You both got things wrong. She dealt with it wrong.


----------



## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

She just acts so damn happy even though we are about to go through divorce and rip our kids life apart. I actually did the same to her the other day. Is that all a show on her front or could she really be that sick?


----------



## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

She is in the affair fog....like an addict. Addicts are happy as long as their drug is flowwing. 

It won't last. The OM will tire of her or cheat on her or vice versa and she will end up miserable and alone while you will have moved on and found a woman who acts like an adult.


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

You need to stop wallowing and accept the reality of the situation.

You want remorse when you're going to get none. You poke her seeking some kind of reaction and you would if any of this had anything to do with you...but it doesn't. It was all about her and it still is all about her.

You dont figure in her equation because the minute she decided to proceed with the cheating is the moment her respect for you hit zero. Even now you probably mope around, seeking emotional validation to why she did what she did. One regards such with pity. Even now you grant her such high status when she barely regards you at all.

You live in the same house for now but detach. Keep conversations short and very simple. If she's whistling around the house skipping and looking like the cat's got the cream and you feel yourself getting wound up, then leave the scene and go and do something somewhere else. You're divorcing, time to quit putting her on that pedestal. She cheated because she was selfish. That's about the long and short of it. Start planning your future, it's amazing how much time that will take up.


----------

