# 4th marriage problems



## 4thcharm (May 18, 2017)

Troll -Amp


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What led to the divorce in each of your previous marriages? 

Your wife feeling uncomfortable around your previous wives is not unusual at all. Both men and women often are not comfortable with their spouse’s ex’es.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ho boy.......

I would knock her up in a flash.

But, on one condition....

She lets me work on her orgasm problem. I would tell her that she will get her baby if I get to drive her furry machine. I will take it on curvy roads, hairpin turns and down bumpy roads.

And while driving I will use all my appendages, while operating under the influence, do drag racing, tail gate her, all while talking in her ear. 

Make the deal of a lifetime with this gem of a women. She is perfect. Don't dump this one...uh, uh!


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## 4thcharm (May 18, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> What led to the divorce in each of your previous marriages?
> 
> Your wife feeling uncomfortable around your previous wives is not unusual at all. Both men and women often are not comfortable with their spouse’s ex’es.


My first marriage was at 18 and lasted 16 months. It was a disaster and a half. With that one it would be easier to answer what wasn’t wrong. We married because she was pregnant. That combined with our age was destined to fail. We fought non-stop and called it quits. We were too young and dumb to fight for the marriage. It was doomed from the start.

My second marriage was very good until the last year. After both our children were born we had unrealistic expectations about how our marriage would be. We naively thought we would have the same relationship after kids as before. The older our children got the more we fought about parenting choices, household duties, spending habits. We hated being around each other because we couldn’t agree on anything. We had one fight that became physical and called it quits shortly after. Later she confessed that she was very insecure about my first wife and wanted me to have nothing to do with her. She thought she could “win” by having a child with me, followed by another. She thought I was cheating with my first wife, and proceeded to actually cheat.

My third marriage was my (so far) most successful, and lasted 10 years. We divorced because we fell out of love and didn’t want to try to get it back. We didn't have much, if anything, in common. She did things that increasingly bothered me the longer we were married. We stopped spending time together, stopped “dating”, intimacy became rushed with no emotion. We settled into that life and thought that’s just how it was going to be. We let it go for so long (around 5 years) that we didn’t think we could get it back. We made poor attempts that always failed and eventually called it quits. We didn’t try as hard as we should have, we’ve both admitted that. It probably could have been saved if we had really tried. It was amicable and we get along fine. We spent a lot of time together before I met my (new) wife, then both agreed it should end.

My 3rd wife had an ex-husband and I got along with him well. We weren't going out golfing together but there was no hard feelings or awkwardness. This is my wife's 1st marriage so she doesn't have an ex-husband but her son's father is around. I get along with him as well. We don't talk much but are amicable and it's not awkward when we do have to see each other. Perhaps I've just been lucky.


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## 4thcharm (May 18, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Ho boy.......
> 
> I would knock her up in a flash.
> 
> ...


I do not want another child. I'm done with that phase and really don't want to go back. There are a lot of things that I would do for my wife, but creating a child that isn't wanted by both parents isn't one of them. I think that is reasonable.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Go get a vasectomy pronto. If she wants a kid, let her know she can leave the marriage at anytime and you won't have any hard feelings. I say a 50/50 chance she leaves you.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*With that many kids from so many marriages, well if you were to unexpectedly "kick off," the reading of your last will and testament ought to really be a royal "hoot!"*


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I realize you are trying to find a solution here, and that you'd both established no kids at the start. There's a big piece of herself that must love you dearly to want a child with you, I hope you understand that. I understand that you don't want any more. 

If your wife is going to stay with you, she must see a therapist and process her sadness, jealousy, and eventual (misdirected) resentment of you. Because given enough time, she will resent you for seemingly rejecting her expression of love, despite your original agreement for no kids. You should help her to process through the regret. Remember that this is her first marriage, some of the firsts you have had many times over, she will not get to achieve even once with you. That truth will hurt her emotionally, if she is as sensitive as you say.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

I would not want to be with a woman who dose not want or care to work on a satisfying sex life for BOTH partners.

eventually that will break down to her being resentful and feeling like its just another chore. 

I agree having another child for the wrong reasons would be a huge mistake.


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## 4thcharm (May 18, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> Go get a vasectomy pronto. If she wants a kid, let her know she can leave the marriage at anytime and you won't have any hard feelings. I say a 50/50 chance she leaves you.


My wife has an IUD and has had no problem keeping it, I have put off a vasectomy for years. I was going to have the big snip done in my last marriage but my ex-wife ended up having a tubal when she was already having a csection. I have thought about having it done but even though we're not having a child together, it feels like a slap in the face to my wife. 

We have talked about it a lot. She wants a child with me but isn't going to want a divorce if she doesn't get it. She wants a baby with me, not someone else. She doesn't think she'd find someone else she'd love before it was too late.


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## 4thcharm (May 18, 2017)

chillymorn69 said:


> I would not want to be with a woman who dose not want or care to work on a satisfying sex life for BOTH partners.
> 
> eventually that will break down to her being resentful and feeling like its just another chore.
> 
> I agree having another child for the wrong reasons would be a huge mistake.


She does want a satisfying sex life for herself, not as much as I do but she does. She has never had a great sex life with anyone. She doesn't think that she can and doesn't want to try because she doesn't want me disappointed. It is something that I want to work on, help her relax and just enjoy it. Sex is her biggest sore spot carrying over from previous relationships.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Satya said:


> I realize you are trying to find a solution here, and that you'd both established no kids at the start. There's a big piece of herself that must love you dearly to want a child with you, I hope you understand that. I understand that you don't want any more.
> 
> If your wife is going to stay with you, she must see a therapist and process her sadness, jealousy, and eventual (misdirected) resentment of you. Because given enough time, she will resent you for seemingly rejecting her expression of love, despite your original agreement for no kids. You should help her to process through the regret. Remember that this is her first marriage, some of the firsts you have had many times over, she will not get to achieve even once with you. That truth will hurt her emotionally, if she is as sensitive as you say.


Whew!!

My backup arrived.................. my LISA.

Not a Moaning LISA, nope, Lady in Shining Armor...St. Joan from Hoboken.
............................................................................................................................................................
Read what Satya said. Your wife still loves you, needs your support. Please, have her back.

Anyone can be stubborn, anyone can be and have a hard-ass. You likely had one the three other times. With your 'other' wives. 

Your hard ass attitude will cost you, will be very expensive. Yet, another divorce. 

WTF, bend a little. I guarantee the baby she gives you will not be a mistake or regretted. 

You have the Power and the Glory to make someone happy Forever. Amen.


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## 4thcharm (May 18, 2017)

Satya said:


> I realize you are trying to find a solution here, and that you'd both established no kids at the start. There's a big piece of herself that must love you dearly to want a child with you, I hope you understand that. I understand that you don't want any more.
> 
> If your wife is going to stay with you, she must see a therapist and process her sadness, jealousy, and eventual (misdirected) resentment of you. Because given enough time, she will resent you for seemingly rejecting her expression of love, despite your original agreement for no kids. You should help her to process through the regret. Remember that this is her first marriage, some of the firsts you have had many times over, she will not get to achieve even once with you. That truth will hurt her emotionally, if she is as sensitive as you say.


From day 1 she always said that she never wanted another child. She had a very bad experience with becoming a mother for the first time and didn't want to repeat that. It was tainted and ruined for her. For that opinion to change I know that she really loves me and feels comfortable. She desperately wants me to get her pregnant. Almost every conversation results in tears. It's something that I think she will always regret, and you're right, resent me. I'm not judging her for that, I've had all the children that I wanted. I have been able to have many of the experiences that I wanted, you're right, more than once. Some she is never going to have, that she should have been able to have.

Your second last sentence hurt a little bit, for her. You're right. It is something that she has said and I don't think I really listened. Regardless of my previous marriages failing, there are many experiences with my ex-wives that I still treasure and I'm glad that I had. There are many "firsts" for a married couple or just LTR that I don't think she has had, or will ever have.

She struggles with feeling special. She held on out marriage because she wanted it to be with someone that she really loved and only be married once. She feels like I'm special to her, but she isn't special to me just "number 4". I have had 4 weddings now, the first 3 involved family, friends, more money than it should have. I had no desire for another big wedding. My wife did, she had never been married before. She knew that I didn't want that so she settled because she didn't think it was fair to get what she wanted. We didn't just go to a courthouse, we went to Belize and married on the beach but it was just us. She felt like she wasn't worth sharing the experience with friends and family. I could probably go on and on about things that have upset her.


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## 4thcharm (May 18, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Whew!!
> 
> My backup arrived.................. my LISA.
> 
> ...


I know all too well that babies and kids do not make or save a marriage. I love my wife, I want her to be happy and I want to have a good, final, marriage. What I don't want is another child leading to another divorce.

3 of my kids are fully grown and out on their own. My other 3 are becoming more and more independent and the end is in sight. I see my oldest son every 2-4 weeks, he is married with a family of his own. I love my grandkids, but it's also nice to be able to see them and send them home. I don't want to start over from scratch. I want to enjoy this time, not add on another 18-20 years and being "free" in my late 60's. We're financially secure and comfortable, I am still paying child support and alimony to my 3rd wife. I don't want to throw in another financial factor, who knows what will happen in the future. There are health risks to having a baby when we're older, male and female, it's not worth the risk. I don't think I am being unreasonable, but what do I know with 3 failed marriages.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

4thcharm said:


> I know all too well that babies and kids do not make or save a marriage. I love my wife, I want her to be happy and I want to have a good, final, marriage. What I don't want is another child leading to another divorce.
> 
> 3 of my kids are fully grown and out on their own. My other 3 are becoming more and more independent and the end is in sight. I see my oldest son every 2-4 weeks, he is married with a family of his own. I love my grandkids, but it's also nice to be able to see them and send them home. I don't want to start over from scratch. I want to enjoy this time, not add on another 18-20 years and being "free" in my late 60's. We're financially secure and comfortable, I am still paying child support and alimony to my 3rd wife. I don't want to throw in another financial factor, who knows what will happen in the future. There are health risks to having a baby when we're older, male and female, it's not worth the risk. I don't think I am being unreasonable, but what do I know with 3 failed marriages.


You answered your own question about having another child with your 4th wife. I'm a career woman, 59 years old, 37 years married (first marriage for the both of us), never wanted children from the get-go, & told my groom. We're in position for early retirement; house paid for, and no debts of any kind. Who would want to work 'til you're 90 years old? Make your position clear with your wife & don't wishy-wash. You've made your position clear that you don't want another child from the beginning. Don't buy into the the bait & switch game to facilitate someone's else's mindset.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So up until recently both of you agreed that you would not have children. And now she has changed her mind. 

I think you need to tell her no, since you don't want a child. Sure you will most likely love any child who comes along, but at your age, you will most likely find parenting hard as a child gets older.

Have you thought about getting her a puppy? I'm not kidding. The drive for a child in a women is very tied up with the need to nurture something. She could spoil the living daylights out of a puppy.

Now about your two sons fighting. I had that with my son and my step son. First make sure that one of the boys does not have a legitimate gripe against the other. For example some of the issues between my son and his step brother is that the step brother was stealing my son's money and other stuff. His step brother was also telling classmates things about my son that were embarrassing... sadly my son wet the bed until junior high. It's caused my an issue with the hormone that stops us from wetting while sleeping kicking in later than normal. But my step son made sure that everyone in junior high knew that my son was a bed wetter. 

As you can imagine by son went after his step brothers because of this. We had to deal with the stop son's bad behavior on one hand and then let both boys know that there is no way that we will tolerate any kind of physical altercation. 

You might need to get both boys into counseling.


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## 4thcharm (May 18, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> So up until recently both of you agreed that you would not have children. And now she has changed her mind.
> 
> I think you need to tell her no, since you don't want a child. Sure you will most likely love any child who comes along, but at your age, you will most likely find parenting hard as a child gets older.
> 
> ...


Yes, for the longest time she was adamant that she never wanted another child. We talk about it often and the end result is me telling her that I don't want another child (for the reasons above) and her being very upset. I haven't wavered from that decision but maybe I need to be more firm in the "not going to happen, ever" and drop it. 

I haven't thought about getting a dog. I hate pets. The hair, slobber, poop, chewing. My wife loves dogs. I could think about getting a poodle or one of the other low shedding ones. Get it properly trained. I'm not sure if it would fill that place in her heart or not. We have to have some compromise though, it seems a lot of our decisions are based on my wants. We can look into getting a dog. I'm guessing it takes a while to get one from a breeder maybe the wait would take her mind of babies. She told me today it's part of the reason she doesn't want to be around my oldest son and his family. She gets upset being around babies. Today she actually got a call that a friend of hers is expecting and she's been upset all day. 

I'll go ahead and admit that my son was the instigator in their poor step-sibling relationship. He's 6-7" taller than my wife's son, who hasn't had a growth spurt yet. That alone is one of the top fights that get started. My son has rifled through her sons room, found condoms and began bugging him that he "wouldn't be needing them". There was a girl that he liked at school and my son tried to or succeeded in embarrassing him. Teases him about what he's into reading, astronomy, classical music. A phase of my son teasing him about my wife and saying some terrible things. There was a locker room incident. They are in different schools now. Locks on their doors. 

My son is angry that I don't spend more time with them as a family, with my ex-wife/his mother. When his mother and I divorced we continued to spend a lot of time together. When I met my (new) wife that stopped because neither my ex or I felt it was appropriate. His mother has not remarried. I still see my son (and his younger siblings) whenever they want, it was the visits with his mother that stopped. So to my son, it was my wife and her son that broke up his family. Not too long ago he said that I tossed our family away for a new wife and new family and there is no use to like them because soon enough I'll toss them for the newer model. 

My wife's son is angry that she married. She was single for the majority of his life. She dated and had short relationships, but very little that he was introduced to. His dad married when he was a toddler. He's mad that my wife didn't marry when he was younger. 

We have tried counselling for both of them, both refuse to go. My son won't go because it's "gay". My wife's son won't go because he thinks he will be teased, even though we've assured him it will be private. It's something that we have to keep trying to get them to do.


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## 4thcharm (May 18, 2017)

Roselyn said:


> You answered your own question about having another child with your 4th wife. I'm a career woman, 59 years old, 37 years married (first marriage for the both of us), never wanted children from the get-go, & told my groom. We're in position for early retirement; house paid for, and no debts of any kind. Who would want to work 'til you're 90 years old? Make your position clear with your wife & don't wishy-wash. You've made your position clear that you don't want another child from the beginning. Don't buy into the the bait & switch game to facilitate someone's else's mindset.


We talk about this issue regularly. Each time I tell my wife that I don't want another child and tell her the reasons why but she counters them. I haven't said anything like "We're not having a baby together. End of story, drop it." She's very sensitive about the issue and I have been trying to be gentle about it. I may need to be more firm about it so she gets it off her mind as a possibility. 

I don't think it was bait and switch. Before we married, and about a year after, she was more adamant than me about no babies - and I'm very adamant.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

4thcharm said:


> Yes, for the longest time she was adamant that she never wanted another child. We talk about it often and the end result is me telling her that I don't want another child (for the reasons above) and her being very upset. I haven't wavered from that decision but maybe I need to be more firm in the "not going to happen, ever" and drop it.
> 
> I haven't thought about getting a dog. I hate pets. The hair, slobber, poop, chewing. My wife loves dogs. I could think about getting a poodle or one of the other low shedding ones. Get it properly trained. I'm not sure if it would fill that place in her heart or not. We have to have some compromise though, it seems a lot of our decisions are based on my wants. We can look into getting a dog. I'm guessing it takes a while to get one from a breeder maybe the wait would take her mind of babies. She told me today it's part of the reason she doesn't want to be around my oldest son and his family. She gets upset being around babies. Today she actually got a call that a friend of hers is expecting and she's been upset all day.


Well then get her a do. A poodle or labradoodle are good choices. They are pretty clean as dogs go, intelligent and very trainable. Your wife could even sign the dog up for all kinds of training and obstacle course work. That should keep her busy  kinda like taking a kid to all their activities.



4thcharm said:


> I'll go ahead and admit that my son was the instigator in their poor step-sibling relationship. He's 6-7" taller than my wife's son, who hasn't had a growth spurt yet. That alone is one of the top fights that get started. My son has rifled through her sons room, found condoms and began bugging him that he "wouldn't be needing them". There was a girl that he liked at school and my son tried to or succeeded in embarrassing him. Teases him about what he's into reading, astronomy, classical music. A phase of my son teasing him about my wife and saying some terrible things. There was a locker room incident. They are in different schools now. Locks on their doors.
> 
> My son is angry that I don't spend more time with them as a family, with my ex-wife/his mother. When his mother and I divorced we continued to spend a lot of time together. When I met my (new) wife that stopped because neither my ex or I felt it was appropriate. His mother has not remarried. I still see my son (and his younger siblings) whenever they want, it was the visits with his mother that stopped. So to my son, it was my wife and her son that broke up his family. Not too long ago he said that I tossed our family away for a new wife and new family and there is no use to like them because soon enough I'll toss them for the newer model.
> 
> ...


What I learned when I married my step-kids father, is that the kids seldom agree with a remarriage. They are just dragged into it. And so they very often act out. The most common reason for divorce in a blended family is problems with the children.

Yea, you don't like dogs. Your wife clearly needs something. 

Plus, I have a feeling that the two 15 yr olds are going to really act out if you have a baby. You think it's bad now? I doubt a baby will help that at all.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You really need to get your wife into therapy if she is crying about others having babies but not her. She is comparing, which is a phenomenally unhealthy but common thing that we do when we want something so badly. 

She really needs to talk with someone that won't simply tell her "no" but will teach her to PROCESS the reality and how she exists in it, not just state it. 

And I appreciate what @EleGirl is saying about the dog, as it will probably help, but I believe only for so long and given her current reactions, the dog may end up replacing you in her affections.

Lastly, and I don't say this lightly at all, if she goes to therapy and TRULY wants a child, you need to know for sure whether it must be with you or must be before she really can't. It's not her entire fault that her mind has changed. We are designed to have children and the older we get, the more our bodies tell us that we had better get going or the chance is gone forever. This woman sounds like she's made a lot of sacrifices so you could have your way often. Women do that out of great love and respect. Reminds me of myself in my first marriage and I came to GREATLY resent my unbendable ex after years of doing everything his way.

He said we should wait, wait, wait for children, and I loved him more than my need, so we waited... And got older. Then when he finally said OK, we tried for a year and a half to no avail. I became your wife and cried every day. I was in a country where teenage pregnancy was rampant, so I saw babies and pregnant women everywhere all day. I literally lost my mind with the ovulation tracking and constant disappointment. My ex refused to see a fertility doc and I loved him so I agreed we didn't need to go. He didn't know what to do with me eventually, so he just emotionally ejected me. I gave up, went to a therapist, and my marriage blew up anyway for other reasons. I had a veritable breakdown then picked myself up and healed. 

It's more than six years later, I'm now in my late 30s, remarried, and approaching my end of fertility life. The need is still there, but I've tempered the emotions with reality. My new husband greatly wants children with me. I've learned that if I don't have children, I can and will be happy with just my husband and our life. When the absolute end of my fertility life comes, I've promised myself to go to therapy, because I know it will be a lot to process and I may need some guidance so that I don't become resentful of anyone or anything, but accept it as my fate. I've sacrificed A LOT in my life for others I love, but all of that stopped with my divorce. I am now dedicated to living for me and living in kindness to others. My desire for children, however, has not changed since I was in my early 20s. 

Your wife is steadily on-track for a major breakdown and rise from the ashes like the Phoenix. That rebirth might not be in your favor. I may be guilty of projecting here, and everyone's situation is unique, but I would advise you to get her into therapy and keep an open mind at least about letting her go so she can find a man who wants children with her.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I was thinking a lot about your situation because I see some parallels in my own life.

In my mind you have a couple of separate issues going on here. First, you are 11 years apart; on paper not that big of a deal, particularly at your ages. I'm 19 years younger than my hb (43 and 61) and we've been together 12 years so I have some knowledge of age differences. I've come to think it's not really the age itself, it's the emotional development and baggage difference that usually accompanies a large age difference. Large age differences are a terrible idea when the younger party is in their 20's or teens because of this.....older person usually has baggage like an ex spouse and kids while younger person doesn't and probably isn't ready to deal with it.

In this sense you guys are a terrible match; you have 3 ex wives and she has no ex husbands. You get to enjoy 5 kids while she has 1. You have lots of great memories of ex spouses while she has none, and honestly it's natural that many things are in fact less special to you than to her. It's not your fault, it's the nature of the baggage difference. She wanted a wedding and you really didn't.....and why? Because you'd been there, done that, so in that sense these experiences really are a little less special to you. She's always going to feel less than. I know in my own life I've often felt this way, and we have comparable amounts of baggage. We're both on our second marriages, but my first one was at the courthouse while he had the big wedding. When it came time to get married he wanted to go to the courthouse, sending me the message that his first wife was worth a wedding but I wasn't worth the effort. Once he realized that he planned most of our wedding; it wasn't big, which was fine, but we had one with friends and pictures. That's all I wanted.

And your wife is in the declining years of her fertility. It's one thing to not want kids in theory, but when the window starts to close it becomes very real. I see that you've not gotten a vasectomy, so for all your talk about not wanting more kids you actually are still keeping your options open. What kind of message does that send? That you're not quite ready to close that down, you just don't want them with her.

You have that tie with all of your exes, but nothing with her. This just adds to the feeling that she's less than.

Think about it.

As for the exes, we had this same issue. My husband was still going on family trips when he met me. To me that's incredibly poor boundaries, and I've had other posters take the position that you should be able to go out with your ex spouse for the children. But here's what happens when you do that: you set your new spouse up to be the fall guy. See, you should've had good boundaries before her, but since you didn't the blame will go to her. Of course your son blames her for not having his "family", you sent him the message that you still were an intact family until the mean new wife came along. Then it becomes her fault when you institute the boundaries you should've already had in place. The same thing basically happened to me, and I'm sure I'm talked about as the new meanie that won't let him hang out with ex and her family.

And on top of everything else, you had the great sense to tell her that you had no problems keeping it up for your exes, you only have problems with her. Well done (sarcasm). Geez, how would you feel if she told you that she had great orgasms wit her exes but can't manage with you?

From her perspective, you don't want kids with her, you can't get it up with her, you didn't even want to be bothered with a wedding for her, and you did all of these things with your ex wives. You still wonder why she feels less than? I get that this probably isn't how you really see it, I'm giving you what I think is per perspective.

You are a poor match for her. Period. However, if you can find a way to make her really uniquely special this kid thing might go away. I personally think she's making a big mistake by giving up on having another one for the baggage your bring, but that's her decision.

Explain to your son that you should've had better boundaries and that it's not her fault.

And get snipped if you don't want more kids. Shut down the idea that you're not quite ready to give that up, you just don't want them with her. 

Issues like exes and kids are the main reasons that 2nd, 3rd, and 4th marriages don't usually work out. Find a way to make your wife feel uniquely special and deal with the fact that she's now that bad guy for you putting in boundaries you should've already had. My husband often tells me I'm the best thing that ever happened to him and he only wishes he's met me sooner.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> I was thinking a lot about your situation because I see some parallels in my own life.
> 
> In my mind you have a couple of separate issues going on here. First, you are 11 years apart; on paper not that big of a deal, particularly at your ages. I'm 19 years younger than my hb (43 and 61) and we've been together 12 years so I have some knowledge of age differences. I've come to think it's not really the age itself, it's the emotional development and baggage difference that usually accompanies a large age difference. Large age differences are a terrible idea when the younger party is in their 20's or teens because of this.....older person usually has baggage like an ex spouse and kids while younger person doesn't and probably isn't ready to deal with it.
> 
> ...


Another great post by another great women.. and a great runner.


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## 4thcharm (May 18, 2017)

I’ve talked to my wife and both our sons. 

My wife and I didn’t officially move in together until we were engaged. At the time we lived an hour away from each other. I live(d) in the same city as my 3rd wife and our kids. My wife lived in the same city as her son’s father. I didn’t want to sell because at the time the market was not good for buying (and again now). My wife has always rented. She lived in a very expensive city and you can’t get a decent house for under a million. She moved into my house. As a result she moved an hour from her workplace and son’s father. She commutes to work M-F. She is responsible to taking her son to see his dad and pick him up. Her son was put into the same school as my son, who then started bullying and ridiculing him. My wife changed her custody agreement with her son’s father so her son could attend his previous school, she drives him 45 minutes to and from school. The house that we live in is the house that I bought with my 3rd wife, the house that we lived as a married couple and raised our children. I bought her out and to me it’s my house but my wife sees it differently. She sees it as the house I chose with my exwife. The house I conceived our kids in. The house we brought them home to. The house I loved my exwife in. The house I planned to spend forever in, with my exwife. The house I came home to my family in. Sleeping in the room I slept with my exwife in, conceived our kids in. Marks on the walls where our pictures use to hang. She has never bought a house, this is my second. My son sees my wife as an intruder to his home, that I kicked his mother out and moved my wife in. My wife’s son feels like he gave up his home to be transplanted into someone else’s home and life. Buying a new house right now would be a financially stupid idea. 

My wife wanted what she considers a real wedding, not necessarily expensive but with friends and family. I have been there and done that. I didn’t want or need a wedding. I should have just given her the wedding that she wanted and never got to have. The wedding she waited and hoped for. I dismissed her feelings and told her it wasn’t worth it and overrated. The way she sees it, it was worth it for my 3 ex wives. Not too many people are going to want to go a 4th wedding, they’ll catch the next one. Weddings are overrated, IMO. That money could be better spent. We had a destination wedding, just my wife and I. My wife sees that as she wasn’t worth committing to in front of family and friends and I wanted to run away and marry her privately, get it over with. She wanted to write our own vows, and we did but mine were different from hers. I have told 3 women that I will “always” love them. There were no “always”, my wife sees that as “I’ll love you right now, until I don’t”.

My wife desperately wants a baby, with me. She had no desire at all to have another one after she was pregnant with her son. She wants to have that experience with me. She wants to experience bringing a baby into this world as a happy thing. Her son’s father broke up with her after getting her pregnant at 20 and made her life miserable, still does though not quite as bad. She wants me to commit to her the way I have my ex-wives. Like suggested by @EleGirl I talked to her about getting a puppy and she was excited at first and very happy, but quickly realized I was trying to offer that as a replacement for a baby. She said that I don’t want to make a commitment, I can easily and effortlessly walk away from a dog. I don’t even like dogs. And I just don’t want a baby with her. Other women are worth a life long commitment and creating a permanent bond with, she is worth a dog. She doesn’t think I am serious about her, just using her as a place filler. I told her that I am going to get a vasectomy and that didn’t go over well, she wasn’t mad but very, very upset. She has said she doesn’t want a baby with anyone else, so doesn’t want a divorce. 

We go on a few trips a year, some places she has wanted to go I haven’t because I did them with my 3rd wife and would rather try something or somewhere new. My wife feels like I don’t want to replace those memories with new ones, or that I want to keep those places sacred. And it’s another thing that she is missing out on because of another woman I loved. We have furniture in the house that my ex-wife picked out. I see it as just furniture and it would be a waste to replace. My wife sees it as the couch I picked out with my ex wife, the couch I cuddled up to my ex wife on. She thinks I enjoyed the sex better with my ex’s, because I didn’t have problems getting an erection and she assumes they didn’t have problems reach orgasm (she would be correct). It’s age, not her. But, like @lifeistooshort wrote my wife and I have very different perspectives and yours was almost spot on. 

There are many small things that she compromises on. Whatever I want, I get. That isn’t going to lead to success. I need to start making sure she is happy as well. She changed her life for me, I fit her into mine. Like @Satya, said, I don't want her to resent me and I do think she should go for therapy. Maybe going will help her sort out her thoughts, it might encourage at least her son to go as well. I do not want another divorce, somehow it feels like it's coming. Especially if I don't smarten up.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

There's no way in hell I would've moved into my hb's house he had with his ex. 

This marriage isn't going to last as it is. Everything is about you. 

I really get the feeling that you don't think she's worth much effort. You should consider cutting her loose so she can find a guy who thinks she is worth it.

She's a fool to go along with this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's always wise to sell the house you lived in with your ex and buy a new one with your new wife. Your wife is right, you simply plugged her into your life instead of building a new life with her.

If you really cannot see the house, the get her involved with you to refurbish it. 

You say that there are still marks on your walls where the pictures of your ex used to hang. It's time to paint, get new drapes, etc. Maybe even take walls down and open up some rooms.

Just an aside, when I divorced my son's father, I got the house. It was a closed floor plan. So I took down some walls, painted, tiled rooms, etc. Basically I really changed the house. Did most of the work myself That made it my house. And it made the house better. When I sold it, I had people bidding against each other.. got more for it than I asked. 

Either sell the house and buy one together, or get your wife involved in refurbishing it, get some new furniture, etc. Let her make it her house. Right now she's living in your ex wife's house. I can only imagine how much she hates that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok another story that is not quiet like yours but that might show you a bit of what the problem is here.

My ex's mother remarried when she was in her 50's. She married a widower show she has known her entire life, her brother's best friend. 

Well she moved into his house... his dead wife's house. Her new husband would not let her change anything. He said that I was stupid to spend money on new drapes, new furniture. Why would she need to redecorate, after all his ex loved the way the house was decorated. He had the last cake that is deceased wife ever baked in the freeze. He would not allow my MIL to throw away the old, frozen cake. His deceased wife's clothes were still in the master bedroom closet and he would remove them to let my MIL use the closet. Instead MIL had to use the closet in another room. So there was my MIL, living in another woman's home that was a shrine to that woman. If I recall correctly, this marriage lasted less than a year. One day my MIL just packed up the little bit of stuff she was allowed to have in the house and took a plane back to NM. 

Now that is a situation that is much more extreme than yours, but I'm hoping it gets the point across. Your ex's clothing might not be in the closet and her old cake might not be in the freezer, but yours ex's essence is every where in that house. And your wife is just an intruder. Your son makes sure she knows that... and really so do you.

But you have the power to change this.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm at a total loss for words, my heart aches for your wife. You really have no clue how much that woman loves you. I commend you for telling her about the vasectomy, but be prepared for dark days ahead. The permanence of things will really upset her, and all the past things you've denied her will snowball. Get her that therapy pronto. And again, keep an open mind that she may walk away in any case.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Troll thread, locked.


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