# Removing Toxic people from your life



## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

After my WW's EA. I've removed toxic people from my life. The people/friends/relatives who used to talk ill about me or about our relation and who used to let me down.

In this pain also, suddenly I find lot of peace. I was leading a artificial life, that load is lifted. 

Just being with myself is so enlightening. 

What's your experience !!!


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## Ever-Man (Jan 25, 2013)

The premise needs more clarity: is removing toxic people from one's life even possible when everyone in one's life is capable of negative moments and acts of betrayal? 

I am starting to see many deep flaws in my relationship with my father. My Dad never gave me much confidence in myself, and openly has little confidence in me, despite my successes. He even talks me down to my wife, and for that matter my wife talks me down, says "you can't do anything right", etc. Of course, joking, but it is still not good. 

Should I cut them out of my life? Perhaps they are correct and just trying to "help" me, or is there a pattern of me choosing relationships that mimic the parenting I experienced. 

How does one approach these issues in a give-and-take spirit?

I would like to hear about how you determined what was a toxic relationship and what you did about it.


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## Surfermiquel (Apr 22, 2013)

John,

Removed all friends after my EW affair, they saw need for being upset with her.

I elected not to have more noise in my life out they went.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

Ever-Man said:


> The premise needs more clarity: is removing toxic people from one's life even possible when everyone in one's life is capable of negative moments and acts of betrayal?
> 
> I am starting to see many deep flaws in my relationship with my father. My Dad never gave me much confidence in myself, and openly has little confidence in me, despite my successes. He even talks me down to my wife, and for that matter my wife talks me down, says "you can't do anything right", etc. Of course, joking, but it is still not good.
> 
> ...


You've raised very good point. I've removed my WW's one of the very very toxic lady friend. That lady friend used to talk lot of bad stuff about me to my WW. I also removed my own brother's family. I talk very less to my WW's as I found that she is also some degree toxic in nature. 

I developed friend circle who make me happy and keep me positive. I'm tired of people who demean me, let me down but at the same time, I acknowledge my negative points and work on those items. I also changed my own personality. I just talk positive or compliment more people/family/friends. 

I agree it's not possible to remove every toxic person but I would rather have less contact with the people who suck my energy !!!

Sometimes I feel my WW's affair is/was a boon in disguise.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

I removed toxic people from my life after my WW's affair. It has changed my life for the better. I can't believe the stuff I used to put up with. The one that brought me the most happiness is my WW's best friend at the time of her affair.

This woman would smile in my face; she would tell people she wished she had a husband like me! Later, I learned she was practically my wife's affair pimp. She also had the habit of speaking negatively about me behind my back.


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## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

You are doing the right thing.

I have no time for people who are negative, lazy, or unethical, either at work or for personal time. 

Further, all of our friends are also friends of our marriage. 

Fortunately our relatives are generally pretty good, or are a thousand miles away.


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## Ever-Man (Jan 25, 2013)

I like these very clear examples, and looking back on my life I can see there were relationships that just "had to go". "Friends and Family" who make one feel bad about themselves with no positive intent, are beyond worthless, they are toxic. 

I know that I am a very needy person and this has kept me in bad relationships. The theory needs to be exteneded to find the strength to leave toxic relationships by being your own best advocate, the one you can count on when all the SHTF. I learned this during my first divorce: we are all alone. In the end, everyone will betray you for their own best interests, whether it be a father who be-littles his own children out of a twisted psychological need, or the wife who says she loves you and dates other men.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Why do you think I'm divorcing? He's toxic to my life.

My mother too. She asked if the girls and I wanted to go away for a week with her. I instantly said "no". I can't spare her feelings...omg...a week with my mom and girls would be HELL. If ima take a vacation, it won't be with my mom.

I cut some friends out a long time ago because they had nothing nice to say...or only called to dump their crap on me, but when I needed them, they were "busy".

I have no room for inauthentic people. I have no room for bullshet. I have no room for people who aren't ok with themselves.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

There are always more to take their place.
I think learning to set boundaries and to speak up for oneself and increasing tolerance is better in the long run. But in the short run, if things have got out of hand and temporary break from these people does not make things better/more manageable, sure, sever ties. But if it becomes a pattern, you may find yourself backed into a very lonely corner.
If they're just acquaintances and not work or social group, sure, cut them. 
But others are more dicey to cut, you end up throwing the babies out with the bathwater.

For the record, I have permanently removed not only toxic but dangerous people from my life.
They were also close biological relatives. And rapists, liars, molesters, torturers (physical and psychological) with severe mental issues. My brother's son ended up popping his sister (my brother's daughter) in front of her two grade school children. Sometimes toxic is more than toxic, in which case, yes, restraining orders, identity change, moving to a far away country, whatever it takes. My former family is now more afraid of me than I am of them, and I like it that way.  But because of them, I am a bit trigger happy when it comes to being leery of others who seem to be toxic, and probably are, but are a long way from inflicting harm. However, I detest/abhor conflict with said scary people... but I have to say, sometimes being a little scary yourself, and I do mean a little, goes a long way towards neutralizing toxic. Usually silence works best. Most toxic people need their realities to be 'fed' and verbage and getting uptight about their drama seems to do that.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> *There are always more to take their place.
> I think learning to set boundaries and to speak up for oneself and increasing tolerance is better in the long run.* But in the short run, if things have got out of hand and temporary break from these people does not make things better/more manageable, sure, sever ties. But if it becomes a pattern, you may find yourself backed into a very lonely corner.
> If they're just acquaintances and not work or social group, sure, cut them.
> But others are more dicey to cut, you end up throwing the babies out with the bathwater.
> ...


Yeah, I agree with this. There is only so much running away from people that you can do. I've learned to keep more distance with people. More friends less depth....but less chance of a bust up.

I've also had to minimise my relationship with my mother. It seems as if anything I said to her was used against me.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

I didn't like some of the friends my XW kept, and I told her. Some of them were loose, in abusive relationships, and chased guys that I knew would hurt them. And I hated when she wanted to have them over to my house. I don't want these girls who don't respect me to bring over their bad boy boyfriends who think they are all that. Until one of them met the grass in my front yard face first...

Interestingly, she couldn't drop them until AFTER she had the affair, and I told her I was divorcing. She wanted to prove I was #1 in her life, and she decided to finally cut them out of her life, after 3+ years of me asking her to do so. 

You should remove the toxins BEFORE the problem develops. 

It is just like any medical issue. 
People should watch what they eat and should exercise to prevent getting diabetes or heart disease or some other problem. 
Instead of trying to think of ways to deal with it AFTER they already are diagnosed with it. If they just were healthier and smarter when they were younger, they wouldn't be dealing with their current problem now. 

Instead, people like to wait until the problem is almost too big to deal with. 
Starting to feel like a hypocrite here...


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

cj9947 said:


> I removed toxic people from my life after my WW's affair. It has changed my life for the better. I can't believe the stuff I used to put up with. The one that brought me the most happiness is my WW's best friend at the time of her affair.
> 
> This woman would smile in my face; she would tell people she wished she had a husband like me! Later, I learned she was practically my wife's affair pimp. She also had the habit of speaking negatively about me behind my back.


I had the same thing. I made my cheating XW's friend pretty much hell. I removed her from my life and let the world know how she interfered in our marriage. Strangely her family is moving now...


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Excluding my first wife, I've done well. I guess to be toxic, someone has to influence you negatively and there just aren't many people who have very much influence over what I do. Maybe I've just been lucky.


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