# Is it normal??



## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

Back in 2015 my spouse had a affair with a coworker. It lasted 10 months, I caught it when it first started. It wasn't sexual yet when I caught on to it but unfortunately I thought I had enough evidence to confront her at that time but it backfired on me and made it look like I was a jealous husband. Then They went underground and I couldn't get any more info. I knew it wasn't over. Anyways 8 months later I found the email address she was using. After I got my hands on the email address I made her open it in front off. She had 2 choices, open it or pack her bags. She opened it gave me her phone then took off bawling. So I contacted his wife, They are now divorced. I gave her another chance, we were in a slump in our relationship and he showed up at the right time to sweep her off her feet. It's been 3 years now and our relationship is pretty good. 
My question to you. Is it normal for her to assume that because she did it to me that I will cheat on her? In the back of her mind she thinks I might be cheating. I give her absolutely no reason to think that. My phone has no Passcode and it's there for her to snoop in. I show her plenty of affection. She hasn't come right out and said it but she has thrown a few hints that makes me think she is assuming I chat with other woman. Is that normal and how do I go about talking to her about it?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

First things first — is she still working with OM?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

2 things that are normal. 

1. It's normal when someone is cheating to project that onto the betrayed partner to either throw them off or for other reasons. So there's that.

2. And in this case where she has cheated before it would be somewhat normal for her to think that because of what she has done, she could relieve her own guilt by accusing you of it.


However, it's usually #1 in cases like yours


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Silver92 said:


> It's been 3 years now and our relationship is* pretty good.*
> 
> My question to you. Is it normal for her to assume that because she did it to me that I will cheat on her? In the back of her mind she thinks I might be cheating.


Sounds like she is projecting. I would be more concerned about her cheating again. 

Straight from the *Cheater's Handbook, Ch. 1:* Projecting... A means to justify their actions by believing (projecting) their spouse is doing the exact same thing. Secondly, A means to confuse or "turn the table" on the BS.


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## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

No Gus, I can tell you with 100% certainty that her and him are no longer. She doesn't work there anymore and the split up from the affair was dirty. He called her a few dirty names. He is now with another woman and is happy. My day will come with him but thats another story.


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## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

I won't rule out her cheating again. I know it definitely wouldn't be with him. I basically gave her another chance for my daughter. My daughter deserves both her parents living with her. We do get along fine. She babysits children all day now at our home so she has no chance to get out during the day. Since the affair ended she never goes anywhere alone. She either has our daughter or someone with her. I never told her she had to do that. That's something she does on her own to help me gain trust in her again.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

She’s projecting.

Could be simply because she’s uneasy with the unbalanced state of your relationship (and she knows that her actions led to that) and is worried that you’ll do something to “even the score” or maybe even leave her at some point.

Could also be because she’s cheating again — even if it’s not with OM it could be with someone else.

Stay vigilant.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

She doesn't have to be cheating with the same guy. It sounds like you all basically just "rug swept" things the last time ... could be a case of "once a cheater, always a cheater" ... it isn't always the case, but it is often enough that there's a saying about it.

I'm with the others ... PROJECTION ... was the first thing that entered my mind.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Silver92 said:


> I won't rule out her cheating again. I know it definitely wouldn't be with him. I basically gave her another chance for my daughter. My daughter deserves both her parents living with her. We do get along fine. She babysits children all day now at our home so she has no chance to get out during the day. Since the affair ended she never goes anywhere alone. She either has our daughter or someone with her. I never told her she had to do that. That's something she does on her own to help me gain trust in her again.


Have you point blank asked you W how she has come to the idea that you will cheat? Got to be more than just, "I think you will."


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## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

I definitely will not rule out her cheating or talking to another man. I still am a firm believer that cheaters will always cheat. I'm still with for my daughter. Yes I do love her and I know she loves me. At this point I just can't figure how she get the oppurtunity to do it. Like I said, She is never alone when she leaves the house. If she ain't cheating now she more then likely will in the future. I'm thinking she is assuming I'm going to try and even the score. Two wrongs don't make a right but she don't see it that way


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## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

No I haven't point blank asked her because she never point blank accused me. She "jokingly" says little remarks. I'll receive a text and she will say with a little smile "is that your girlfriend" . I work around a few woman, one of them is addicted to sex. My wife knows that and if it's anyone it would be her who she would be thinking I would cheat with. But I give her no reason to think that.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Silver92 said:


> *I won't rule out her cheating again.*
> 
> She babysits children all day now at our home so she has no chance to get out during the day. Since the affair ended she never goes anywhere alone. She either has our daughter or someone with her.


 @Silver92, you are contradicting yourself here. 

What most BS don't get is that a cheating W doesn't need all that much time alone. 45 min added to a shopping trip or a doctor's visit. What I and most BS didn't really understand... an affair doesn't need constant maintenance as in a marriage. A chance hookup every 5 or 6 months works just fine. Remember affairs aren't real life. No kids, No parents, No bills, Nothing real, just lies, secrets, and Sex.

Stay vigilant.


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## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

Not contradicting. I'm just saying if she is cheating, the window of opportunity is extremely small.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

I can think of several reasons your wife would be projecting.

first, thieves think everyone steals...........

second, she very well be could be waiting for you to "even the score". my cheating X told me as much...flat out said "go do what you have to do" almost felt like she was craving some sort of punishment to bring me down to her level and have things on an even keel.

third, and this is the ominous suggestion.....is that your wife actually liked the affair and had fun with it and misses it and will do it again. those little jabs could be in indication of what her mind is really thinking about what she WANTS to do.


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## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

You're third paragraph could be correct. The only reason why the affair ended was because she was caught. When I read through the emails I did see where she tried to end the affair twice but he smooth talked her back in.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Silver92 said:


> No I haven't point blank asked her because she never point blank accused me. She "jokingly" says little remarks. I'll receive a text and she will say with a little smile "is that your girlfriend" . I work around a few woman, one of them is addicted to sex. My wife knows that and if it's anyone it would be her who she would be thinking I would cheat with. But I give her no reason to think that.


You may be going in deeper to your W comments about a girlfriend. My W will jokingly say the same. "Is that your girlfriend?" Haha. Difference here is your W had a damn BF. How the hell does she not see this could be or is a major trigger for you. Or that this stupid comment somehow does not let you heal and move on? Personally I would answer, "No. Only you have a history of that type of crap." Your W is insensitive as hell.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Silver92 said:


> No I haven't point blank asked her because she never point blank accused me. She "jokingly" says little remarks. I'll receive a text and she will say with a little smile "is that your girlfriend" . I work around a few woman, one of them is addicted to sex. My wife knows that and if it's anyone it would be her who she would be thinking I would cheat with. But I give her no reason to think that.


When W throws out those little comments it may be a good idea to open it further up and have a short conversation to clarify things and eliminate her future comments. Not a super deep conversation but clear communication. Something is festering in her mind. Nip it in the bud. It may grow worse without attention. 

Good luck.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

My guess is that she has the “hunger” back for a bit on the side. I don’t say that to be mean. You should have a talk just to re-establish those boundaries.


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## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

Yes you are right, I have to nip this in the bud. Just unsure how to do it without disturbing the nest. Now that I think Back, when I first brought up the affair and she accused me of being a jealous husband because she is chatting to a coworker about "work" . I did say so then it's ok for me to start talking with female coworkers. I'm wondering if that comment is still in the back of her mind. I said out of anger more then anything. It was a very stressful time and I may of said things that I shouldn't of said.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Consider this reply the next time she intimates that you have a girlfriend:

*"Wife, I don't find the humor in your comment. Just so you know, I've never felt I was capable of cheating on you. But after experiencing the absolute heartbreak and devastation of being cheated on, I now know that with certainty. I can't even imagine inflicting that type of hurt and betrayal on you or anyone else."*


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Silver92 said:


> Yes you are right, I have to nip this in the bud. Just unsure how to do it without disturbing the nest. Now that I think Back, when I first brought up the affair and she accused me of being a jealous husband because she is chatting to a coworker about "work" . I did say so then it's ok for me to start talking with female coworkers. I'm wondering if that comment is still in the back of her mind. I said out of anger more then anything. It was a very stressful time and I may of said things that I shouldn't of said.


Do not let your W diminish any crap she has done by stating you said you spoke to female coworkers. Every male talks with female coworkers. Difference here is you did not date any of them. Your W disturbed the nest. Time to shake it up yourself. Advise your W to stop with the bull crap comments on an activity she only participated in.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Silver92 said:


> No Gus, I can tell you with 100% certainty that her and him are no longer. She doesn't work there anymore and the split up from the affair was dirty. He called her a few dirty names. He is now with another woman and is happy. My day will come with him but thats another story.


Why will his day come? Your wife was the one married to you not him. Your wife made the choice to **** his brains out, after she was caught early on. But instead of coming clean then she chose to deceive you even more and started the physical affair. 

Your wife knows she is still capable of cheating so she is assuming your character is just like hers. The ability to lie and cheat with no regrets except getting caught.


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## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

I don't hit woman, but I sure can smoke a man. Someday ours paths will cross.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Silver92 said:


> Yes you are right, I have to nip this in the bud. Just unsure how to do it without disturbing the nest. Now that I think Back, when I first brought up the affair and she accused me of being a jealous husband because she is chatting to a coworker about "work" . I did say so then it's ok for me to start talking with female coworkers. I'm wondering if that comment is still in the back of her mind. I said out of anger more then anything. It was a very stressful time and I may of said things that I shouldn't of said.


Do you believe your are responsible for your wife ****ing another man?

That you drove her to it?

That it’s your fault?

All I am getting from your post is “if I had done something different or said the right things”. 

Your wife made a choice to have her affair. She wasn’t swept off her feet. Your relationship was in a bad place and instead of working on it like a loving wife “she” turned to another man. “She” made her choice and ran with it. 

Here is a kick in the ass for you. Would her affair still be going on if no one found out about it? Would she have left you for the OM by now if you never found her email account?

Also your wife is going to believe what she damn well pleases about you. You can talk until you are blue in the face and she will still think you are cheating. 

It could be she has found ways to have an affair with out leaving a trail to follow. No communication except verbal. 

Best wishes for you and that wonderful wife of yours.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Silver92 said:


> I don't hit woman, but I sure can smoke a man. Someday ours paths will cross.


OM is not the problem. W is.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The very fact that she doesn't trust that you would not cheat on her tells me she has done NOTHING to get to the bottom of her behavior, figure out her "whys", and develop strong coping skills and boundaries to make sure she never cheats on you again. 

Would I be correct in assuming she has never gone to any kind of independent counseling since her affair?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

is she willing to sign a post-nup where she is willing to give up alimony or such if she is ever caught cheating again? i think where you failed is that you should have a list of things she should do in order to not only regain your trust but also as a consequences if she cheats again.

Also you need to remind her that she does not have a right to call you out when she is the hypocrite who actually have the affair.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> The very fact that she doesn't trust that you would not cheat on her tells me she has done NOTHING to get to the bottom of her behavior, figure out her "whys", and develop strong coping skills and boundaries to make sure she never cheats on you again.
> 
> Would I be correct in assuming she has never gone to any kind of independent counseling since her affair?


Concur 100%. Infidelity is some type of joke to the OP W. There is truth in jest. Why the OP W would see it as funny to say. "Is that your GF." when a text comes in is a sure indicator the entire incident was a laughing matter that the OP suffered little to no consequences for her affair 3 years ago.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Silver92 said:


> I don't hit woman, but I sure can smoke a man. Someday ours paths will cross.


Men don’t hit women. Never crossed my mind that you would. 

My point is how do you know your wife didn’t pursue him? 

How do you know she didn’t make him feel like he was the only man in the world for her?

My thinking in this direction is this. Instead of stopping the affair when you first found out. She turns around and makes a complete fool of you. Makes you out to be a jealous control freak. The OM didn’t do this. The woman that was supposed to be your wife did. 

This wasn’t an one time and “what have I done”.

This was her wanting the OM again and again and again. 

Don’t get me wrong I am all for beating the crap out of the other guy. 

What I’m against is misplacing the blame on the OM. Unless your wife was rapped, the blame for her affair falls squarely on her shoulders. She is your wife while acting like his.


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## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

No she has not gone for any counseling. I wanted her to and she was going to but it just never happen. I did make her go for blood work to check for STD'S. All was good with the blood. 
I probably shouldn't of given her a second chance. I caught her before it got sexual and she just went underground further instead of us working things out. I did it for my daughter and I don't regret doing it. If she decides to walk out the door with another man tomorrow then all the power to her. I do love her but there is a lot between us now that will never be erased. One thing I don't do is jab her with comments about what she done to me. I figured that would just add fat to the fire and not solve anything.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Silver92 said:


> No she has not gone for any counseling. I wanted her to and she was going to but it just never happen. I did make her go for blood work to check for STD'S. All was good with the blood.
> I probably shouldn't of given her a second chance. I caught her before it got sexual and she just went underground further instead of us working things out. I did it for my daughter and I don't regret doing it. If she decides to walk out the door with another man tomorrow then all the power to her. I do love her but there is a lot between us now that will never be erased. One thing I don't do is jab her with comments about what she done to me. I figured that would just add fat to the fire and not solve anything.


From the looks of it, your W has not assisted, helped or allowed you to heal from her betrayal. I'm detecting a major rug sweep.


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## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

I read a lot of stuff before things went u derground. He pursued her and she went for it. I did a lot of homework on him, My spouse was by far the first one he done this to. When I contacted his wife she thanked me and said "this is just the icing on the cake" . She told me he has been like that for at least 6 years and that she was waiting for her child to graduate in a few months then she was leaving him. That she did do. He is financially ****ed right now. He is a really smooth talker and finds woman he knows he can manipulate. He promises them the world when he never had 2 cents to rub together. My wife found out how much he loved her when he called her a ***** and a ****.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> OM is not the problem. W is.


once I agreed with this. however not so much anymore. If more AP's got their a$$es kicked....I am wondering if infidelity would be a much less common thing.

instead, the wayward runs off, paints a horrible and often complexly BS picture of their spouse, so as not to look bad in public.


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## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

Oh trust me, I will bust his jaw. Not if but when. He tried talking to me one day. I had my daughter with me. I whispered in his ear "i hope you enjoyed her because it's going to cost your face dearly" he looked at me and said "Is that a threat" . I said "Yes, take it the bank and cash it" .


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Silver92 said:


> I don't hit woman, but I sure can smoke a man. Someday ours paths will cross.


Do not get resentful. It will by all means come back to bite a hole the size of Detroit in your A**!
Let it be.


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## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

I know but it will feel some good to smoke him.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Is the OM worth going to jail for. Your wife already accused you
once of being a jealous husband. Why give her a chance to call
you an abusive husband. How would your daughter feel if she 
found out daddy hit someone and worse the reason why?

OM knew your wife was married but so did she!! She cheated 
because she wanted to period nobody forced her to !!!

She could be projecting her guilt onto you or be cheating again.
The term quickie 10-15 minutes max comes to mind. If she is 
at home all day and you are at work there is time and a place.

There are however revenge affairs which sometimes people 
do have. Or she may be hoping you are cheating so she
will then have an excuse to justify cheating. ( Maybe again)
You did it to excuse so I can.

Why did she not go to counseling ?
What price did she pay other than quitting her job 
for the affair ? Did you just rug sweep the whole thing ?

If someone has an itch to cheat then it is going to be scratched


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Silver,

Sorry you are dealing with this.

Do you really believe your WW was not physical with him after all that time, please have her write out a timeline for the affair, then take her for a polygraph. She is still lying by omission or minimizing.

If you have the names of other women he cheated with, do their betrayed husbands a favor and dime him out, they may help you out by softening up the punching bag before you get to it.

Did you expose the OM professionally or to the personnel dept?

Tamat


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Silver92 said:


> I read a lot of stuff before things went u derground. He pursued her and she went for it. I did a lot of homework on him, My spouse was by far the first one he done this to. When I contacted his wife she thanked me and said "this is just the icing on the cake" . She told me he has been like that for at least 6 years and that she was waiting for her child to graduate in a few months then she was leaving him. That she did do. He is financially f^&*ed right now. He is a really smooth talker and finds woman he knows he can manipulate. He promises them the world when he never had 2 cents to rub together. My wife found out how much he loved her when he called her a wh#re and a sl#t.


Ok fair enough. He is a player that went after your wife. Still stands that she did her part with you. 

Stop trying to fix or change what your wife thinks. Work on being the best father you can be. You say you stayed for you for your daughter, then make her daddy’s little girl. Get it to where she comes to you for everything. All three of mine come to me, they are my world. My wife chose her family years ago, I in turn chose my kids. 

Work on you. 

Work on your relationship with your daughter. 

Stop trying to ease your wife’s suspicions of you. You won’t win that battle. In the end it will make you resent her for doing so.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your wife is lying Silver92. You are no further ahead than you were when you first cornered her about it.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Silver92 said:


> Back in 2015 my spouse had a affair with a coworker. It lasted 10 months, I caught it when it first started. It wasn't sexual yet when I caught on to it but unfortunately I thought I had enough evidence to confront her at that time but it backfired on me and made it look like I was a jealous husband. Then They went underground and I couldn't get any more info. I knew it wasn't over. Anyways 8 months later I found the email address she was using. After I got my hands on the email address *I made her open it in front off. She had 2 choices, open it or pack her bags. *She opened it gave me her phone then took off bawling. So I contacted his wife, They are now divorced. I gave her another chance, we were in a slump in our relationship and he showed up at the right time to sweep her off her feet. It's been 3 years now and our relationship is pretty good.
> My question to you. Is it normal for her to assume that because she did it to me that I will cheat on her? In the back of her mind she thinks I might be cheating. I give her absolutely no reason to think that. My phone has no Passcode and it's there for her to snoop in. I show her plenty of affection. She hasn't come right out and said it but she has thrown a few hints that makes me think she is assuming I chat with other woman. Is that normal and how do I go about talking to her about it?


First of all congratulations on the bold print above. Strong move. Takes strength to overcome weakness. Problem is many BS become weak and then weakly attempt to tame the WS with weakness. Never works. 

Second, people tell on themselves sometimes unknowingly. lol, Assuming you're going to cheat is partly due to that's her mindset to begin with. You see, I read these stories on here because to me it's like reading a murder story. I can't for the life of me understand how one human being take another person's life, notwithstanding self defense. I don't even like guns in my presence. My heart starts beating fast. 

Cheating is the same thing. I simply can't imagine doing it. My wife would DIE! I felt bad a couple of times when I had evening meetings with another woman!!!!!! Now, in the mind of a cheater, it's something that's only a few chance meetings and circumstances away from ACTUALLY happening. Whereas,it's not in my DNA. It might be in her DNA, and therefor she thinks it's in yours and everyone else's.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Silver92 said:


> I know but it will feel some good to smoke him.


If you need to then do so. Just do it away from the public and someplace without cameras.


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## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> Silver,
> 
> Sorry you are dealing with this.
> 
> ...


I never once said she wasn't physical with him. I know they were and I know where. When I first caught her 2 months in, it wasn't physical at that point. I know that because I had a VAR in the house because the phone records told me the times they were talking on the phone and I knew she was home. I caught a good conversation that pretty much told they weren't physical yet but it was going to happen. I tried to stop it then but I couldn't tell her I recorded a conversation so I told her I seen a lot of phone calls come g from him. All 30 minutes or greater. That's why she went with the jealous husband card. Maybe I should of pulled out the VAR in front of her and hit play but at the time I didn't think it was a good idea


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## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

colingrant said:


> Silver92 said:
> 
> 
> > Back in 2015 my spouse had a affair with a coworker. It lasted 10 months, I caught it when it first started. It wasn't sexual yet when I caught on to it but unfortunately I thought I had enough evidence to confront her at that time but it backfired on me and made it look like I was a jealous husband. Then They went underground and I couldn't get any more info. I knew it wasn't over. Anyways 8 months later I found the email address she was using. After I got my hands on the email address *I made her open it in front off. She had 2 choices, open it or pack her bags. *She opened it gave me her phone then took off bawling. So I contacted his wife, They are now divorced. I gave her another chance, we were in a slump in our relationship and he showed up at the right time to sweep her off her feet. It's been 3 years now and our relationship is pretty good.
> ...


The first time I confronted I did weaken. The second time I was ready for her and she knew it. She logged in and handed me the phone. Then she bawled for 3 days Lol!!


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Silver92 said:


> The first time I confronted I did weaken. The second time I was ready for her and she knew it. She logged in and handed me the phone. Then she bawled for 3 days Lol!!


You rebounded nicely then. The initial hit from discovery is like a sucker punch. It will put you on the mat with the referee on his knee, slapping the mat and counting to the TKO. You pretty much got up and delivered a stomach shot and then came over the top, knocking your wife on her back. 

Strength, conviction and decisiveness = Self Respect, dignity and control for BS


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## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

colingrant said:


> Silver92 said:
> 
> 
> > The first time I confronted I did weaken. The second time I was ready for her and she knew it. She logged in and handed me the phone. Then she bawled for 3 days Lol!!
> ...


She knows I'm strong and I am ready to do what needs to be done. I even re arranged my finances. She asked me why I remortgaged last year. I just had an oppurtunity to clear some small debt and give me the ability to live comfortably on my own. When she asked why I did that because we weren't really struggling financially. I told her just in case you decide to leave I will be financially prepared. I said you have to realize that you had a one year emotional and physical affair on me where by ready the emails it was serious. I can't depend on your word right now because of the lies you have told. And you did it with a blink of an eye. I am wishing for best with us and pur family but I also have to prepare for the worst. She understood and also realized I'm done messing around with the cheating game. There won't be 3 strikes


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Silver

You handled things very well, many BS are not as quick to action.

Did your W go back to the people she told you were a jealous husband and restore your reputation?

Did your W go in person and apologize to the OMW.

Were any of her friends or coworkers in the know and are they still in your lives?

Does your W still have gifts OM gave her.

I get why you want to punch OM not only did he do this to you but he did this to your child which cannot be forgiven.

Tamat


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## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

She never told anyone that I know of that I was a jealous husband besides me. I'm not sure who at her work was aware of what was going on. She worked mid afternoon into the early evening shift as a cleaner at a school. The man she had the affair with a maintenance worker who would only come to the school when repairs had to be done. She was the fill in for the head custodian when he was absent so there were times she was working early mornings. She was the only one in the school for a couple hours before the teaching staff showed up. That's when he would show up. After it got more serious he was coming after his work day was over making believe to other staff he had a lot of repairs to do so he had to put in some overtime to get stuff done. I'm pretty sure the head custodian was aware because there was a camera system and he was a really nosey person. I'm sure he seen him at the school on the cameras after hours. The head custodian would know if he had to be there or not. And he didn't need to be there. I asked her if the head custodian ever asked her what was going on. She told me he gave her a few digs that made her believe he knew something was going on between them. After that they moved there affair outside of the school.


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## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

No she never did apologize to his wife because they were already on verge of desperation. His wife did t care anymore what he was doing. 
The only gift I noticed was two bottles of perfume that showed up about 3 weeks after Xmas. I knew by smelling the perfume it was not her scent. I asked then where them 2 bottles of perfume come from. She gave me a bull**** story that she bought them in the city when she was Xmas shopping and forgot about them till now. I knew that was a lie because she lo as her perfume and would of showed it off to me right away. Two months later is when I made her open the email account. I asked if them bottles of perfume were a gift from him and she said yes. I grabbed the bottles and they Are now at the bottom of a lake lol


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Silver92 said:


> I gave her another chance, we were in a slump in our relationship and he showed up at the right time to sweep her off her feet. It's been 3 years now and *our relationship is pretty good*.


It doesn't seem like the marriage is that great. You've told your wife you still don't trust her and she acknowledged it. I am not saying that's not "normal." Maybe that is the most normal thing in the world. IF you've been cheated on the way you've been cheated on. BUT it's not "normal" for a marriage, in general.



Silver92 said:


> My question to you. Is it normal for her to assume that because she did it to me that I will cheat on her? In the back of her mind she thinks I might be cheating. I give her absolutely no reason to think that. My phone has no Passcode and it's there for her to snoop in. I show her plenty of affection. She hasn't come right out and said it but she has thrown a few hints that makes me think she is assuming I chat with other woman. Is that normal and how do I go about talking to her about it?


No, it's not normal. Whenever there is a change in behavior, there is a reason. It may be an internal reason, something that develops in her thinking over a period of time - but not likely. I would think it was an external event or events that sparked her opinion. It may just be that something you said or did was something that either (1) she did or said something similar in her affair or (2) the other man did or said something similar in her affair. 

The third thing that occurs to me is that someone else is poisoning the well. I would like you to acknowledge that many if not most of wives want their husbands to work with sex-craved female co-workers. Especially if the wife has cheated in the previous few years. So let's say your wife has talked with a relative or a friend, mentioned this sex-craved co-worker who is part of conversation with you. Maybe that friend or relative might say to your wife, "You better look out, the same thing happened to my (girlfriend, sister, cousin, etc.)."

I find it concerning that you took charge of your wife and became the boss, but you are hesitated to tell her straight out your true feelings about her comments. Why can't you just flat-out tell her? "Wife, you make innuendos about me doing something with sex-craved woman, but I am NOT that man. Don't you know that about me by now? Why are you doing it?"


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Silver92 said:


> She knows I'm strong and I am ready to do what needs to be done. I even re arranged my finances.


Do you think that she thinks you might leave her? Even if she never cheats again?

I believe that when people get married, they have a picture of the future that they will love each other forever, raise great kids, have at least a modicum of financial stability, and grow old together. Was that you or your wife's picture of the future when you got married?

What is your picture of the future now? When you are on your deathbed, what would you like to be the story of your life? How does your wife figure in?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Silver92 said:


> Back in 2015 my spouse had a affair with a coworker. It lasted 10 months, I caught it when it first started. It wasn't sexual yet when I caught on to it but unfortunately I thought I had enough evidence to confront her at that time but it backfired on me and made it look like I was a jealous husband. Then They went underground and I couldn't get any more info. I knew it wasn't over. Anyways 8 months later I found the email address she was using. After I got my hands on the email address I made her open it in front off. She had 2 choices, open it or pack her bags. She opened it gave me her phone then took off bawling. So I contacted his wife, They are now divorced. I gave her another chance, we were in a slump in our relationship and he showed up at the right time to sweep her off her feet. It's been 3 years now and our relationship is pretty good.
> My question to you. Is it normal for her to assume that because she did it to me that I will cheat on her? In the back of her mind she thinks I might be cheating. I give her absolutely no reason to think that. My phone has no Passcode and it's there for her to snoop in. I show her plenty of affection. She hasn't come right out and said it but she has thrown a few hints that makes me think she is assuming I chat with other woman. Is that normal and how do I go about talking to her about it?


*You're a far better man than I am!

The last and most pleasing vision that I would want of any cheating wife is seeing them gradually growing smaller and smaller in the cars rear-view mirror!*


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

It is highly possible she is cheating again. You mentioned she babysits kids all day. She could be talking to a dad whose child she looks after.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Silver92 said:


> Back in 2015 my spouse had a affair with a coworker. It lasted 10 months, I caught it when it first started. It wasn't sexual yet when I caught on to it but unfortunately I thought I had enough evidence to confront her at that time but it backfired on me and made it look like I was a jealous husband. Then They went underground and I couldn't get any more info. I knew it wasn't over. Anyways 8 months later I found the email address she was using. After I got my hands on the email address I made her open it in front off. She had 2 choices, open it or pack her bags. She opened it gave me her phone then took off bawling. So I contacted his wife, They are now divorced. I gave her another chance, we were in a slump in our relationship and he showed up at the right time to sweep her off her feet. It's been 3 years now and our relationship is pretty good.
> My question to you. Is it normal for her to assume that because she did it to me that I will cheat on her? In the back of her mind she thinks I might be cheating. I give her absolutely no reason to think that. My phone has no Passcode and it's there for her to snoop in. I show her plenty of affection. She hasn't come right out and said it but she has thrown a few hints that makes me think she is assuming I chat with other woman. Is that normal and how do I go about talking to her about it?


About 50% of all betrayed spouses end up cheating. It's so common that there is a name for it. It's a "revenge affair". So yea, it's pretty for her to assume that at some point you will cheat.

A lot of betrayed spouses experience a huge urge to cheat. I know I did. While I did not cheat, I had to fight the urge. There was a voice telling me that it would be sweet revenge and even the score. I've chatted with a lot of betrayed spouses on forums like this and many of them experience that same urge. Our minds do crazy things.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Silver 92. People who want to cheat will find a way tp do just that. Your comments show that your WS is not remorseful, but looking for a way to fall again. Have you done the 180?


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## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

[email protected] said:


> Silver 92. People who want to cheat will find a way tp do just that. Your comments show that your WS is not remorseful, but looking for a way to fall again. Have you done the 180?


I said that the odds of her cheating again are high. If she does then I am prepared to deal with that. All my ducks are in a row now. So far I am 95% confident that she is not cheating right now. Her personality changes when another man is sniffing around. I didn't tell her all my clues that help me figure out what she is doing.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

I so get the need to rearrage the OM face. In my case, my wife of 30 years had an affair with a GOOD friend of mine. While she was mostly responsible, he knew she was weak, worked on her while at the same time offering me marriage "advice" that helped create a bigger divide between us. His wife had passed away a year and a half before, and for a year he came to my office weekly to chat and drink coffee and readjust to life on his own. (not for long) 
When the OM knows you, is your friend, then THEY are a problem as well. I drove to his house with loaded guns (to shoot up his vehicles not him) but had a moment of clairty (not worth going to jail) thank god.

Now 7 years later, they are married, she is miserable, he is on oxygen. (she is 58 he is now 70) so dont think that i will get my chance to mess him up...... still want to.... and believe more OM's should get their ass kicked. So be careful, make sure no witnesses (unless you can get one to testify that he threatend you) and hit him once for me.

Good friend is a Superior Court Judge. He told me that as long as I didnt use a weapon, didnt kill the guy, that if I did decide to kick his ass (and I could) that no jury in our county would convict me of anything. Comes up pretty frequently, and never has the BS ended up with any time.


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## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

Formally known as Hoosier said:


> I so get the need to rearrage the OM face. In my case, my wife of 30 years had an affair with a GOOD friend of mine. While she was mostly responsible, he knew she was weak, worked on her while at the same time offering me marriage "advice" that helped create a bigger divide between us. His wife had passed away a year and a half before, and for a year he came to my office weekly to chat and drink coffee and readjust to life on his own. (not for long)
> When the OM knows you, is your friend, then THEY are a problem as well. I drove to his house with loaded guns (to shoot up his vehicles not him) but had a moment of clairty (not worth going to jail) thank god.
> 
> Now 7 years later, they are married, she is miserable, he is on oxygen. (she is 58 he is now 70) so dont think that i will get my chance to mess him up...... still want to.... and believe more OM's should get their ass kicked. So be careful, make sure no witnesses (unless you can get one to testify that he threatend you) and hit him once for me.
> ...


Looks like karma come back to kick them in the ass...awsome!! Hopefully he suffers a slow miserable death. 

My day will come with him for sure. We don't live in the same area, he lives an hour from here. The stars will line up. When I am done with him , I'm going to tell him he can suck it up or call the cops but be warned I have enough evidence to get you fired. I forwarded all the emails to my email. There is emails that says flat out he was coming to her work after his day ended with the company truck for no other reason then to screw my wife. Plus all kinds of other info that he would not want other people to know.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

She destroyed the trust in your marriage, not just the trust you had for her as your W. There is now an atmosphere of distrust in the whole enterprise, thus the worry on her part that you will cheat. She just poisoned the whole damn thing.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Silver92 said:


> I won't rule out her cheating again. I know it definitely wouldn't be with him. I basically gave her another chance for my daughter. My daughter deserves both her parents living with her. We do get along fine. She babysits children all day now at our home so she has no chance to get out during the day. Since the affair ended she never goes anywhere alone. She either has our daughter or someone with her. I never told her she had to do that. That's something she does on her own to help me gain trust in her again.





RWB said:


> @Silver92, you are contradicting yourself here.
> 
> What most BS don't get is that a cheating W doesn't need all that much time alone. 45 min added to a shopping trip or a doctor's visit. What I and most BS didn't really understand... an affair doesn't need constant maintenance as in a marriage. A chance hookup every 5 or 6 months works just fine. Remember affairs aren't real life. No kids, No parents, No bills, Nothing real, just lies, secrets, and Sex.
> 
> Stay vigilant.


I agree with RWB. My ex-wife would plan ahead for her cheating. Go to the mall mid week and make a quick purchase, hide the bags in her car.

Then on the weekend make a big deal about going to the mall. Then be gone for hours, come home complaining about how crowded the mall was it took so long. Then she would show off her purchases.

In actuality? She was off with the jerk for hours in his apartment.

Disgusting behavior. 

But her sneaky strategy worked until exposed.


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## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

alte Dame said:


> She destroyed the trust in your marriage, not just the trust you had for her as your W. There is now an atmosphere of distrust in the whole enterprise, thus the worry on her part that you will cheat. She just poisoned the whole damn thing.


You're 100% correct! She knows it and now she is worried I'm going to do the same. I have no intentions on it, at least not right now. I won't go looking for it but if a woman shows up somewhere in my life that shows interest in doing that I really can't guarantee that I won't. I may as well be honest. It won't be with just some random skank just so I can even the score.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Silver92 said:


> Is it normal for her to assume that because she did it to me that I will cheat on her? In the back of her mind she thinks I might be cheating.


I agree with the others about projection. There is an additional factor. She is in a weak position. If you had an affair she would have no right to complain.



Silver92 said:


> Now that I think Back, when I first brought up the affair and she accused me of being a jealous husband because she is chatting to a coworker about "work" . I did say so then it's ok for me to start talking with female coworkers.





Silver92 said:


> I told her just in case you decide to leave I will be financially prepared.


You have all your ducks in a row and one foot out the door. Cheaters think like cheaters. In her mind why in the world wouldn't you have an affair if the opportunity presented itself.

The only thing that gave her pause about having an affair are all the stable husband things you provide her. She didn't want to lose those. That's why she's still with you. You on the other hand are very ready to lose all that she provides you. Again in her mind why in the world wouldn't you have an affair if the opportunity presented itself.


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## hoblob (Mar 28, 2018)

Silver92 said:


> No she has not gone for any counseling. I wanted her to and she was going to but it just never happen. I did make her go for blood work to check for STD'S. All was good with the blood.
> I probably shouldn't of given her a second chance. I caught her before it got sexual and she just went underground further instead of us working things out. I did it for my daughter and I don't regret doing it. If she decides to walk out the door with another man tomorrow then all the power to her. I do love her but there is a lot between us now that will never be erased. One thing I don't do is jab her with comments about what she done to me. I figured that would just add fat to the fire and not solve anything.


You definitely buried it. She doesn’t seem remorseful and probably doesn’t know the extent of the damage she has done. I don’t get why you stay with her. You say she is likely to cheat again, you are basically watching her all the time.

I get the “if she cheats again” process. But your wife hasn’t put in any work whatsoever. 
I can tell you that you can tell when someone regrets what they did and is disgusted with their actions. 

She probably wants you to cheat so it gives her a reason to do it again or softens the blow.

Good luck. You need to look out for your own happiness.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Silver92 said:


> No I haven't point blank asked her because she never point blank accused me. She "jokingly" says little remarks. I'll receive a text and she will say with a little smile "is that your girlfriend" . I work around a few woman, one of them is addicted to sex. My wife knows that and if it's anyone it would be her who she would be thinking I would cheat with. But I give her no reason to think that.


Sounds like you need a quiet dinner night and a comin' to Jesus talk. Both of you. You both have affirmed your love to one another? Actually said it? And have you told her how the affair has wounded you? Has she tried to remorse, actual remorse? Not regret...That's different. 

Are you or were you in therapy for the affair? And does she have a counselor to help her with boundaries and personal growth? 


I do see the projection part of this...But to safeguard the ole' "nose despite the face" moment here...Talking with her concerning fears and mistrust would do wonders for both of you. She may just be a little insecure since she is in de-facto "jail" now...


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## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

BarbedFenceRider said:


> Silver92 said:
> 
> 
> > No I haven't point blank asked her because she never point blank accused me. She "jokingly" says little remarks. I'll receive a text and she will say with a little smile "is that your girlfriend" . I work around a few woman, one of them is addicted to sex. My wife knows that and if it's anyone it would be her who she would be thinking I would cheat with. But I give her no reason to think that.
> ...


We have talked a lot about it when it first happen. All she says is "Nothing I say is going to change what I have done to you . Also she has said "It will never happen again but my word means nothing to you anymore and I can't blame you" . Her whole family are the type of people who would rather just not about tho ga and hope it goes away. I tried talking to her last year about it to see how she feels our relationship is going and she just won't let her emotions out but I know they are there. I have asked her before if in the back of her mind she figures I will cheat. All she will say is "You have every right to" . My answer was "No I don't, we are still a couple who love one another" . That's as far as we got then she starts crying and doesn't want to talk about it. We havent been to therapy. All she would do is tell the therapist what he/She would want to hear then be on our way.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Nope, you need counselling. Good ones will not let her deflect answers as easily as you say. Might be worth a shot... I think she may be remorseful. And that is a good thing. And she is wallowing in her own guilt. Whether she is truly repentant, only you can answer that. But you did well in not having the right to cheat on her. The ole' 2 wrongs thing...

I guess the big elephant in the room is her "word". It has been some time down the road here. So maybe her word has been with more value. Maybe you can iterate that fact to her. Point out the GOOD things in her, the effort she pushes forth and the sincerity of her pain for you. I have heard that sometimes during counselling, they make the other spouse right down the feelings they get if the other had left them. What would life be like without each other. Then read them out loud and talk about how that makes each other feel. When a good thing in the relationship happens or a memory of a special moment with you two, reminding yourselves that it was you two that made that happen. And you are both better for it. Birthdays, laughing at something funny, kids at the park....Whatever.

But you can definitely let her know that her effort is noted and valued. She is valued. She IS your wife. And you Need her, not as a baby sitter, but as a co-equal in life. and getting off the negative cycle and praising each other for the good things in the marriage can help....


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Silver92:

Offer to go take simultaneous polygraphs. Have her make up 4 questions for you and you make up four questions for her. Clear the air. If she refuses, that tells you a lot. You might get a parking lot confession also if she is messing around now.

"Trust but verify." Ronald Regan


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Silver92 said:


> We have talked a lot about it when it first happen. All she says is "Nothing I say is going to change what I have done to you . Also she has said "It will never happen again but my word means nothing to you anymore and I can't blame you" . Her whole family are the type of people who would rather just not about tho ga and hope it goes away. I tried talking to her last year about it to see how she feels our relationship is going and she just won't let her emotions out but I know they are there. I have asked her before if in the back of her mind she figures I will cheat. All she will say is "You have every right to" . My answer was "No I don't, we are still a couple who love one another" . That's as far as we got then she starts crying and doesn't want to talk about it. We havent been to therapy. All she would do is tell the therapist what he/She would want to hear then be on our way.


The non-communication will cause a boil over. You two need counseling.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Silver92 said:


> I have asked her before if in the back of her mind she figures I will cheat. All she will say is "You have every right to" . My answer was "No I don't, we are still a couple who love one another" . That's as far as we got then she starts crying and doesn't want to talk about it.


She cries because it reminds her that was the state of your marriage when she cheated. Someday you might renew your vows before friends, family and God and "reset" your marriage. If you cheat on her after doing that you're still only doing what she did first. That's why she cries.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

I think one component of why a cheater thinks their spouse will cheat is that....

The cheater knows the feelings an affair gives of unconditional love and perhaps the most intense sexual attraction they have ever had in their lives. This must also give them some fear that their spouse who is the one they can rely on in life could be sucked into that same vortex never to be seen again. 

It's said the in science fiction that the worst that can happen to someone isn't death, but loss of identity and an affair makes someone you love completely alien to you.

So to balancing the scales I would also add fear, and this would be all the more intense if the betray spouse is the better looking one who has to resist advances on a regular basis.

Tamat


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

Silver92 said:


> Oh trust me, I will bust his jaw. Not if but when. He tried talking to me one day. I had my daughter with me. I whispered in his ear "i hope you enjoyed her because it's going to cost your face dearly" he looked at me and said "Is that a threat" . I said "Yes, take it the bank and cash it" .


Not worth the jail time, arrest record, lost job, law suit, and so on.

Though he deserves a can of whoop ass. Let karma do it.


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## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

oldtruck said:


> Silver92 said:
> 
> 
> > Oh trust me, I will bust his jaw. Not if but when. He tried talking to me one day. I had my daughter with me. I whispered in his ear "i hope you enjoyed her because it's going to cost your face dearly" he looked at me and said "Is that a threat" . I said "Yes, take it the bank and cash it" .
> ...


I know, I do have a government job at risk. But it would feel awesome to smash him. I have 3 years of anger built up to unleash. I have the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. For the last 3 years the angel is winning but the devil is slowly taking over. I figured by now my anger would subside but it hasn't. My only hope is that he takes it like a man and doesn't press charges.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Silver92 said:


> I know, I do have a government job at risk. But it would feel awesome to smash him. I have 3 years of anger built up to unleash. I have the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. For the last 3 years the angel is winning but the devil is slowly taking over. I figured by now my anger would subside but it hasn't. My only hope is that he takes it like a man and doesn't press charges.


Are you going to take your anger out on your wife too. You know he did not rape her - she was also a willing participant and it only stopped because you caught her.

Get help with your anger. Punching this guy out is only going to cause you problems.


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## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

TDSC60 said:


> Silver92 said:
> 
> 
> > I know, I do have a government job at risk. But it would feel awesome to smash him. I have 3 years of anger built up to unleash. I have the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. For the last 3 years the angel is winning but the devil is slowly taking over. I figured by now my anger would subside but it hasn't. My only hope is that he takes it like a man and doesn't press charges.
> ...


I've already dealt with my wife and told her what a needed to say. I don't want to talk to him, I just want my fist to meet his face. He is a moron that needs to be shown that ****ing around with another man's wife is a dangerous game. My wife is not his first. His main goal was to split us up because I called his wife. He made a few major slips that I know where done intentional.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Silver92 said:


> I've already dealt with my wife and told her what a needed to say. I don't want to talk to him, I just want my fist to meet his face. He is a moron that needs to be shown that ****ing around with another man's wife is a dangerous game. My wife is not his first. His main goal was to split us up because I called his wife. He made a few major slips that I know where done intentional.


You sound like a 16 year old idiot teenager who just doesn't know any better. You've put your rotten wife high up on a pedestal and you're too* cowardly *to knock her off it. You have YET to put the accountability for this **** show where it belongs - squarely on *her* lying, cheating shoulders. All you've DONE is try to make excuses for your wife's very willing and eager participation in that affair right from your first post. It was all the big, bad evil OM's fault - he 'tricked' her and manipulated her and played her like a violin and because you guys were supposedly "in a slump," this guy just swooped in and took advantage of your virginal, innocent wife and she was powerless to stop him.

Golly gee, here's a thought. You said you guys were going through a "slump." Apparently, you used that slump excuse as one of the reasons your innocent virginal wife got 'duped' into her affair by the evil OM. Sooo...doesn't that mean you were going through the _same_ slump as she? During this supposed slump, were *you* out screwing around like a dog in heat like she was? 

Yeah, I thought not.

Better get your damned head out of the sand and stop kissing her ass while misdirecting all your anger at lover boy.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Silver, you put the nail in the coffin of his marriage, his wife divorced him, and I would assume there are a number of consequences resulted from that.

If he knew that you would punch him in the face, do you think it would have been a fair trade for the amount of sex and excitement he got with the affair? I would think the lasting lost of his marriage as a bigger consequence than a punch in the face.


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## hoblob (Mar 28, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You sound like a 16 year old idiot teenager who just doesn't know any better. You've put your rotten wife high up on a pedestal and you're too* cowardly *to knock her off it. You have YET to put the accountability for this **** show where it belongs - squarely on *her* lying, cheating shoulders. All you've DONE is try to make excuses for your wife's very willing and eager participation in that affair right from your first post. It was all the big, bad evil OM's fault - he 'tricked' her and manipulated her and played her like a violin and because you guys were supposedly "in a slump," this guy just swooped in and took advantage of your virginal, innocent wife and she was powerless to stop him.
> 
> Golly gee, here's a thought. You said you guys were going through a "slump." Apparently, you used that slump excuse as one of the reasons your innocent virginal wife got 'duped' into her affair by the evil OM. Sooo...doesn't that mean you were going through the _same_ slump as she? During this supposed slump, were *you* out screwing around like a dog in heat like she was?
> 
> ...



This!

Stop talking about beating people. Not gonna help the state of your marriage. It’s on her. What about his wife, should she come beat your wife?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Silver92 said:


> You're 100% correct! She knows it and now she is worried I'm going to do the same. I have no intentions on it, at least not right now. I won't go looking for it but if a woman shows up somewhere in my life that shows interest in doing that I really can't guarantee that I won't. I may as well be honest. It won't be with just some random skank just so I can even the score.


This would be my reaction too. In the very remote chance I would want to reconcile with my wife after a physical infidelity, I would need to get even ... and I would make sure she knew about it. But the truth is, I wouldn’t be able to recover from a physical infidelity; the marriage would be over. I don’t know how you can do it, more power to you.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

Silver, you had a contract with your wife called a marriage. You did NOT make a contract with the OM not to do a list of things. You can be angry with the OM but really it was your W that was the problem, along with what ever the "slump" was about.

You would make more progress working on avoiding what ever the "slump" consisted of.

If you cut off a finger because the saw blade guard was missing, the smart thing to do would be making sure the blade guard is in place and working 100%, not take a hammer to the saw blade.


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## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Silver92 said:
> 
> 
> > I've already dealt with my wife and told her what a needed to say. I don't want to talk to him, I just want my fist to meet his face. He is a moron that needs to be shown that ****ing around with another man's wife is a dangerous game. My wife is not his first. His main goal was to split us up because I called his wife. He made a few major slips that I know where done intentional.
> ...


Maybe you should read all the post on this thread. I have dealt with my spouse and she is no where near being on a pedestal. She is as much to blame as he is, I never once said she wasn't. When he seen she liked the attention he just kept going till the panties were off. She took her panties off not him, she was not raped. I just want to smash him once just because, it will likely never happen but I can't rule it out. That has absolutely nothing to do with having her on pedestal. So get your head put out of your ass!!


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## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

hoblob said:


> She'sStillGotIt said:
> 
> 
> > You sound like a 16 year old idiot teenager who just doesn't know any better. You've put your rotten wife high up on a pedestal and you're too* cowardly *to knock her off it. You have YET to put the accountability for this **** show where it belongs - squarely on *her* lying, cheating shoulders. All you've DONE is try to make excuses for your wife's very willing and eager participation in that affair right from your first post. It was all the big, bad evil OM's fault - he 'tricked' her and manipulated her and played her like a violin and because you guys were supposedly "in a slump," this guy just swooped in and took advantage of your virginal, innocent wife and she was powerless to stop him.
> ...


Him and his wife were already in the first stages of separating. They were not even sleeping in the same bed. She really didn't care about my wife. To her, my wife was just another sl$t he added to his list. My wife was by far his first affair. By me calling her it did speed up the process, They fully separated a couple months after I called. She planed on waiting until after her daughter graduated witch she was in grade 11 at the time.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Silver
92;19458369 said:


> Maybe you should read all the post on this thread. I have dealt with my spouse and she is no where near being on a pedestal. She is as much to blame as he is, I never once said she wasn't. When he seen she liked the attention he just kept going till the panties were off. She took her panties off not him, she was not raped. I just want to smash him once just because, it will likely never happen but I can't rule it out. That has absolutely nothing to do with having her on pedestal. So get your head put out of your ass!!


LOL. Amateur.

If 'dealing' with your cheating, lying wife means talking sternly to her and believing all her bull**** about how the big bad OM tricked her, then bravo - you sure showed HER. :rofl:

Immature fools such as yourself who think you know it all get exactly what you deserve. So go out and beat up the big bad OM who _tricked_ your innocent little wife into doing what she happily did. Go right ahead. And when your oh so innocent wife has found another boy toy to play with while you're cooling your heels in the county jail for 30 or 60 days, we'll see who needs to get their head out of their ass.:grin2:

PS - it's not going to be me.


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## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Silver
> 92;19458369 said:
> 
> 
> ...


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## rv10flyer (Apr 26, 2018)

Silver92 said:


> I've already dealt with my wife and told her what a needed to say. I don't want to talk to him, I just want my fist to meet his face. He is a moron that needs to be shown that ****ing around with another man's wife is a dangerous game. My wife is not his first. His main goal was to split us up because I called his wife. He made a few major slips that I know where done intentional.


I know how you are feeling. It is tough, but we have to fight that devil off everyday. POSOM do not care or realize what a dangerous game they are playing when messing around with married women. I was 18 miles/24 minute drive away from the serial-cheating preacher, one night, about a year ago. I could only sleep 2-3 hours a day. Thank God we had two teenage children and that I decided to go to church the next morning to get with some great Christian friends and handle it correctly. 95% of the men I met promoted violence. I steered clear of those men. You have to be the bigger man sometimes. I told his wife, then 24 days later his church elders, then our entire community. He was fired and his wife divorced and burnt him good. We are reconciling and doing better everyday. Hang in there.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

Silver92 said:


> Maybe you should read all the post on this thread. I have dealt with my spouse and she is no where near being on a pedestal. She is as much to blame as he is, I never once said she wasn't. When he seen she liked the attention he just kept going till the panties were off. She took her panties off not him, she was not raped. I just want to smash him once just because, it will likely never happen but I can't rule it out. That has absolutely nothing to do with having her on pedestal. So get your head put out of your ass!!


You need to see the difference between wanting to do it
and doing it.

Laws will protect the OM and harm you.

Answer this Silver92, is getting arrested worth it, court costs, jail time,
monetary damages, community service, probation?

And if you are in jail do you think that the OM will not come sniffing
around your WW again?

Learn the difference between the need and a want.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

A lot of people want to view this as black and white, but things in my world are made up of varying shades of gray. When it came to WW and OM, there was (and if I'm honest still "is") plenty of anger to go around multiple times for both. It's not like once I dealt with WW, there was nothing left over for OM. 

Granted there are risks involved, and admittedly, there may be consequences for the BH, a lot of which depends on the part of the country where you reside. Laws are not equally enforced in this country. In my case, I've known of dozens of similar incidents in my county (its a small, rural, somewhat backward area) over the past several decades, including two that resulted in death (1 OM and 1 BH), and as far as I can recall ... NONE ... were ever prosecuted or even charged.

Remember, TRUTH is not universal ... what may be true in your area, isn't even close to what would happen in mine.


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## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

Thank you all for your concerns. I know it's wrong and I could get in some trouble by smashing his face in. Will I actually do it? All I can say is I hope the angel tells the devil to leave Lol!! Maybe I'll plan another type of revenge hmmmm!!! I do have a lot of emails that would more then likely get him fired. My spouse don't work for them anymore so she wont lose hers.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Silver92 said:


> Thank you all for your concerns. I know it's wrong and I could get in some trouble by smashing his face in. Will I actually do it? All I can say is I hope the angel tells the devil to leave Lol!! Maybe I'll plan another type of revenge hmmmm!!! I do have a lot of emails that would more then likely get him fired. My spouse don't work for them anymore so she wont lose hers.


Hit them where it really hurts and creates lasting problems. Get him fired.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

If he used work resources or even spent a large amount of time with your wife on the clock at work, telling his employer that likely will hurt him more than a punch in the face. Let's face it, chances are he's not an exemplary worker. This is one legal way to get him back. 

As opposed to a punch in the face. Then you spend a few hours in jail, then you carry a conviction with you for the rest of your life. Then he sues you for his "injuries" and "emotional distress." 

Try to find legal ways. You know his situation and what you have on him. Use those things.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Hoblob wrote, *What about his wife, should she come beat your wife?*

That's a risk his wife took and she might have to pay at some time in the future, you can choose your actions but not their consequences. Sex is almost never free.

His wife also has to deal with the guilt that she contributed to the demise of OMWs marriage and whatever effect it had on OMs children. If you ask what she could have done differently, she could have advised OM to seek counseling instead of allowing the affair to continue increasing. 

Tamat


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Possibly you can threaten a lawsuit against the school district, and from what you wrote earlier the OMs boss knew about the affair and I would guess prior affairs. This gives you some grounds for claiming that a toxic work environment was being created and had official sanction.

If you can find out the names of prior affair partners you can possibly bring their betrayed husbands in as well.

Wanting to punch an OM is better than pretending you have forgiven or forgotten, which is virtually impossible particularly the forgetting. Without some just compensation every time you see something which reminds you of the OM you will trigger badly.

Would anyone forgive or forget someone who stole $10,000 from them, how much more is it impossible to do so for someone who tried to steal your life. This is why in some cultures adulterers are stoned.

Tamat


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## Silver92 (Oct 28, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> Possibly you can threaten a lawsuit against the school district, and from what you wrote earlier the OMs boss knew about the affair and I would guess prior affairs. This gives you some grounds for claiming that a toxic work environment was being created and had official sanction.
> 
> If you can find out the names of prior affair partners you can possibly bring their betrayed husbands in as well.
> 
> ...


It would of been my wife's immediate supervisor that I'm pretty sure he knew something, 95% certainty that he knew something was up between them. He can't discipline, but he should of brought it to the attention of the manager. He likes drama so I'm sure he was enjoying to watch this affair take place. He was able to access the camera system from his phone at anytime. There is no way he never seen the OM there after hours. At that time they had issues with another employee not doing her job so the camera system was being looked at on a regular basis and it does record so you can go back the next day and see what went on.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

So....Did you finally get a hold of a counselor and talk about getting through the stages of grief? You are still in the anger phase. You point out everything in your surroundings that may have "conspired" against your marriage. But you have not reached an equilibrium with yourself. You cannot look at yourself for addressing your WW and your ability to communicate effectively. 

This isn't a dig against you OP. Just outside objectively looking in. Personally I would forget the OTHER stuff concerning this affair. It does nothing to help YOU heal. It does nothing to begin the long process of partnering and bonding with your WW. If you let it, your anger will turn to rancor and unbridled depression. If you are still in the mode to R, you need to get yourself into a good place.


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