# Is it Enough?



## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

I don't feel a physical need for sex. I don't crave it, and I don't fantasize about it. However, as I've posted before, I recognize the importance of sex in my marriage and I know that my husband _does_ have a physical need for sex. Because of this, I make sure that we have sex at least twice a week. If several days have gone by and we haven't had sex, I try to make it a priority that night.

I realize that my feelings about sex could change if I climaxed. I tried for a few months on my own, but never got that far. I've thought about purchasing a vibrator, but I don't know if I will. The thing is I don't even have a desire to masturbate. Intercourse is not painful, but it's not extremely pleasurable either. Lately, I've been wondering if I'm asexual. Frankly, though, that thought depresses me and I try not to dwell on it.

The problem is I think my husband feels bad because he knows I don't physically crave sex like he does. He thinks he's boring in bed and he even thinks it's his fault that I haven't climaxed. I've told him over and over this is not the case. It's true he doesn't last long, but I don't think it would make any difference if he did. He doesn't want to do oral, and that is fine with me.

I did not "trap" my husband into marriage with a "bait and switch" either. I have never climaxed. It's true I did feel more sexual eight years ago when we first married, but I didn't lure him into marriage with the intent to turn off my sexual drive after going to the alter. Before we were married, we had awesome conversations and we kissed and caressed all the time. We don't do that much anymore. Our "deep" conversations highlight our political differences and sometimes turn into arguments. Honestly, I don't know if this affects my sex drive or not. I'm also breastfeeding and taking a low-dose of antidepressants so this might be affecting my drive as well.

I try to be enthusiastic when having sex with him. Sometimes I put on lingerie and a coy smile, for example. I guess what I'm wondering is if this is "enough." Sex is important to me _because_ it's important to him. However, (at this stage in my life) I feel like I could go the rest of my life without having sex and be fine. At the same time, I don't want this because HE needs it, and I want to fulfill my husband and make him happy.

BUT he wants ME to physically want it. I don't know if this is possible for me. Thoughts??


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

In the year before my wife left, I noticed that my wife was not into sex. She had sex with me, made all the right moves, said all the right things but there was a hollowness in her eyes. 

A man can tell if a woman doesn't want him. It's an awful, awful feeling when his wife, who is supposed to be his best friend and helper, doesn't love being with him.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

You can't help how you feel. The antidepressants might not be helping the libido, but I doubt thats the full issue. Sounds like you have pretty much always been like this. Have you thought about seeing a sex therapist? Do you think maybe you have some hangups about sex you didn't realize you had? Do you love your husband but just "not inlove" with him? For some women that can make a big difference.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> In the year before my wife left, I noticed that my wife was not into sex. She had sex with me, made all the right moves, said all the right things but there was a hollowness in her eyes.
> 
> A man can tell if a woman doesn't want him. It's an awful, awful feeling when his wife, who is supposed to be his best friend and helper, doesn't love being with him.


I DO "want" him. I love talking with him and doing things with him. He IS my best friend. You are ultimately saying that because I do not physically crave sex, I do not love my husband. This is not the case.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

Jamison said:


> You can't help how you feel. The antidepressants might not be helping the libido, but I doubt thats the full issue. Sounds like you have pretty much always been like this. Have you thought about seeing a sex therapist? Do you think maybe you have some hangups about sex you didn't realize you had? Do you love your husband but just "not inlove" with him? For some women that can make a big difference.


I haven't thought about seeing a sex therapist. Maybe I should. I'll research to see about sex therapists in my area. I don't think I have any "hang-ups" about sex. I'm in love with my husband. Sometimes I wish that we did more things together though.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I can't speak for him obviously but for me the answer is no. What you describe is not nearly enough. If I were in that kind of relationship I would classify myself as in a loveless marriage. I know, I know, you love him and he loves you. But based on your description I wouldn't be feeling that AT ALL.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

It almost sounds like there are two separate issues here. You said your H thinks he's boring in bed and thinks its his fault you haven't climaxed. But at the same time, he doesn't last long and he doesn't want to do oral. I know you said that's ok with you. So you have drive issues, he wants you to physically want it, but it doesn't sound like he is willing to put much effort into it. From your description, you make an effort for him, but he doesn't.

I'm not attacking here, but if you developed a healthy (that's not the right word, but I can't think of anything else at the moment) drive, you might end up with a completely different problem.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Jamison said:


> You can't help how you feel. The antidepressants might not be helping the libido, but I doubt thats the full issue. Sounds like you have pretty much always been like this. Have you thought about seeing a sex therapist? Do you think maybe you have some hangups about sex you didn't realize you had? Do you love your husband but just "not inlove" with him? For some women that can make a big difference.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

momtwo4 said:


> I DO "want" him. I love talking with him and doing things with him. He IS my best friend. You are ultimately saying that because I do not physically crave sex, I do not love my husband. This is not the case.


That's not what I'm saying at all.

Go back and read. *THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU*.

I have no doubt that you love your husband. But that's not really the point, is it? 

The point is he doesn't feel loved.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I would suggest going ahead and buying the vibrator. If you can learn to cum on your own you can then teach him how to get you there.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I agree with everyone here

Talk to your Dr. The breast feeding and meds could be another source of your issues

See a sex therapist and a MC

Buy the vibe and involve your hubby in the decision and it's use!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If I had to choose between a wife who "wanted" me sexually or one who "wanted" the marriage to succeed, I would pick the latter. The first is an emotional attachment and emotions change. The latter reflects a determined choice. I believe the folks you see married for 80 years aren't necessarily the ones who burned with passion for each other but the ones with high resolve to make the marriage and family work. Resolve functions no matter how one feels on a particular day. People get tired, busy, frustrated, overwhelmed. Their feelings fluctuate. You do what needs to be done regardless of how you feel and that's a keeper in my book. Loving, respecting, and serving the relationship, in my opinion, means a lot more than feeling hot to trot for one's mate all the time. None of us get 100% of what we want but if each of us are committed to the relationship, we can get what we need or at least enough of what we need for the relationship to survive and grow. 
You've got all the necessary equipment to orgasm. I suggest you just relax and practice making yourself feel good without worrying about the big O. You'll figure out where your buttons are. Once you learn to dial in your own code, you can guide your husband. If the goal is mutual orgasms, sex might be viewed frequently as disappointing. If the goal is increasing intimacy and giving each other pleasure, fooling around is always a win. Whatever makes the marriage stronger is a win for both of you.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Reading this made me kind of sad. I don't know how you can consider a marriage without passion as one that is successful or strong or working or any of the other adjectives you used. That's not a marriage. That's roommates.



unbelievable said:


> If I had to choose between a wife who "wanted" me sexually or one who "wanted" the marriage to succeed, I would pick the latter. The first is an emotional attachment and emotions change. The latter reflects a determined choice. I believe the folks you see married for 80 years aren't necessarily the ones who burned with passion for each other but the ones with high resolve to make the marriage and family work. Resolve functions no matter how one feels on a particular day. People get tired, busy, frustrated, overwhelmed. Their feelings fluctuate. You do what needs to be done regardless of how you feel and that's a keeper in my book. Loving, respecting, and serving the relationship, in my opinion, means a lot more than feeling hot to trot for one's mate all the time. None of us get 100% of what we want but if each of us are committed to the relationship, we can get what we need or at least enough of what we need for the relationship to survive and grow.
> You've got all the necessary equipment to orgasm. I suggest you just relax and practice making yourself feel good without worrying about the big O. You'll figure out where your buttons are. Once you learn to dial in your own code, you can guide your husband. If the goal is mutual orgasms, sex might be viewed frequently as disappointing. If the goal is increasing intimacy and giving each other pleasure, fooling around is always a win. Whatever makes the marriage stronger is a win for both of you.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> A man can tell if a woman doesn't want him. It's an awful, awful feeling when his wife, who is supposed to be his best friend and helper, doesn't love being with him.


Very well said.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

momtwo4 said:


> I'm also breastfeeding and taking a low-dose of antidepressants so this might be affecting my drive as well.


From a man's perspective, I am not surprised. There is a running joke around guys that the quickest way to end your sex life is to have children. 

On a serious note, I believe the low drive is definitely affected by the breast feeding, the anti-depressants don't help. I read a book, "The Female Brain" by Louann Brizendine, M.D., who did a lot of studies on women and what is going on at a neuro level in the brain. As a guy, I thought the book was facinating to read about what is really happening inside the brain.

A lot of data boiled down the various chemical levels in the brain and what sorts of chemicals were released when that affects how a person behaves. With regards to what you mentioned with the breast feeding, in the book, data showed that the act of a woman breastfeeding and spending time with her baby released similar chemicals as when she has just had sex. Basically, a woman gets the same physical and emotional satisfaction bonding with her baby as she does bonding sexually with her man. Which could explain part of your lack of desire. 

The book also discusses other things in a marriage that have an effect: Family, work, trying to run a household, raising other children, ect. There is just so much going on and you are trying to get it all done, there is just not enough room for you to really get into sex. I think that is why some women experience more sexual satisfaction later in life. You are finally established, the kids have grown, and there are less distractions. You can finally focus on you and your satisfaction instead of everyone else.

I know from my experience that some of this is true. The mother of my children wanted nothing to do with me sexually when my children were at that young age. She, like you, could not explain it to me, but she had no real desire for sex. We would have sex to make me happy but I could tell that she was not into it. She also specifically mentioned that she could go the rest of her life and never have sex again. I can tell you that the lack of sex eventually became a huge resentment on my part and our marriage eventually ended.

In a nutshell, I think what is going on is normal. You are putting your effort into your children and life and just don't have the time for your satisfaction. Not encouraging for you or your husband at this time, but perhaps sheds some light on what is going on. Armed with some knowledge, with time maybe you will both be able to work through this and will be able to get what you want and need. The time thing will be frustrating because this will take a while (possibly months to years).


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> That's not what I'm saying at all.
> 
> *THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU*.


In my mind, it IS about me. It is also about HIM. It is about BOTH of us finding a way to strengthen our marriage. Obviously, if I know that my husband does not feel loved, then _I_ am going to do something about it. _I_ will not stand by and watch my husband fade away. If me having an orgasm is that important to him, then I guess _I_ have more work to do.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> If I had to choose between a wife who "wanted" me sexually or one who "wanted" the marriage to succeed, I would pick the latter.


That's good to know. Both my husband and I are determined to make our marriage work. And at times that takes real "work" for both of us. I can't always control my sexual desires. I wish I could, but I can't. However, I CAN control the effort I put into this marriage. We're both dedicated to each other. He's not going anywhere and neither am I.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

Drover said:


> Reading this made me kind of sad. I don't know how you can consider a marriage without passion as one that is successful or strong or working or any of the other adjectives you used. That's not a marriage. That's roommates.


Roommates who have sex, right? Because we DO have sex. It might not be perfect, it might not always be full of passion, but we still do connect physically. I get the point you are trying to make, but I disagree with your "all or nothing" approach. Sometimes it's just not that simple.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

C3156 said:


> From a man's perspective, I am not surprised. There is a running joke around guys that the quickest way to end your sex life is to have children.
> 
> On a serious note, I believe the low drive is definitely affected by the breast feeding, the anti-depressants don't help. I read a book, "The Female Brain" by Louann Brizendine, M.D., who did a lot of studies on women and what is going on at a neuro level in the brain. As a guy, I thought the book was facinating to read about what is really happening inside the brain.
> 
> ...


Thanks for sharing. I do think this is something we will get through one way or another. The challenge for me showing enthusiasm for sex when I'm really not in the mood. If he senses that I'm "into it" even if I don't climax, I think this will help the situation.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Being passionate about the marriage and the family lasts. Being passionate because one feels their husband or wife is hot lasts as long as they still feel that way or until someone a little hotter comes along. Nobody is going to be hot every day for 60 years. Nobody's going to be loveable every day for 60 years. Nobody is going to be healthy, pleasant, right, fair, considerate, sexy, or thoughtful every day for 60 years. The trick is to find someone who will still be committed to the relationship on the days when living with you sucks hard.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

momtwo4 said:


> Roommates who have sex, right? Because we DO have sex. It might not be perfect, it might not always be full of passion, but we still do connect physically. I get the point you are trying to make, but I disagree with your "all or nothing" approach. Sometimes it's just not that simple.


I was referring to the post I quoted, not your situation.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Being passionate about the marriage and the family lasts. Being passionate because one feels their husband or wife is hot lasts as long as they still feel that way or until someone a little hotter comes along. Nobody is going to be hot every day for 60 years. Nobody's going to be loveable every day for 60 years. Nobody is going to be healthy, pleasant, right, fair, considerate, sexy, or thoughtful every day for 60 years. The trick is to find someone who will still be committed to the relationship on the days when living with you sucks hard.


Why be committed to a relationship with someone you feel no passion for? That's just being married for the sake of being married. That's not happiness or joy. That's not even a marriage. Of course you won't want them sexually every minute of every day. But yeah, it's always there somewhere for me. No matter how sick she is or how she looks or acts on a given day, I feel passion for her.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Mom -

Go online.
Order the "Hitachi Magic Wand."
Tell your husband.
Practice wanding yourself (clit).
Low speed at first.

Report back


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

See if your doctor will prescribe you low does testosterone. If your on some medications they will kill your drive as well.

I think it's wonderful that you are trying to meet your husband's needs. I hope he does not make you feel like it's the most important thing to him.

There may be things he needs to do to help with the emotional connection with you guys. "his needs / her needs" is good reading for that.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There are lots of reasons to marry with your brain instead of your hormones. Thinking with the wrong head, I'd end up with a hottie with huge tatas but the brains of an ice tray. This notion of marrying out of romantic love or sexual attraction is actually pretty new and mostly a western concept. Throughout most of the world's history, folks got married for other reasons and those marriages tended to last a whole lot longer.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Get a vibe. I like the Lelo vibes - they are pricier, but high quality. Amazon sells them!

Or, do you have a hand-held shower attachment? It can work if you aim it just right...

Bottom line, you need to get a grasp on your own sexuality and how to make yourself orgasm. After you've done it and know how, then you can teach your hubby to help you, with or without the vibe. 

If he won't do oral, he can use his fingers or the vibe. Penetration isn't likely to work, since it never has to date.

I believe if he can give you an orgasm, HE will feel like sex is "better" and more satisfying even if you don't really care...but once you have an orgasm you might start to care and want more.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

Thanks all. I'm looking into vibrators. Hopefully it will help.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Lots of good advice here. Meds will hurt an orgasmic woman, much less one who has never climaxed. Kids prevent relaxation, pressure to have one to please your husband... 

- Have your hormone levels checked and talk to your doctor about your problems (awkward but they've heard it all)
- Find some things that turn you on (erotica, soft porn, whatever gets you in the mood)
- Get rid of the kids for a while
- Buy a vibrator (anything at all - you can shop for expensive toys together once you make it happen)
- Sex therapist or just a therapist in case it's mental - by that I mean, you have to allow yourself the pleasure and be in touch w your sexual side. I've always had a theory that I was a woman FIRST, wife SECOND, mother THIRD. Stay in touch with the woman that you were first in life. She is the basis for the other two, in that order.  Allow her to surface.


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