# Mother-in-law & Wedding



## xRekani (Jan 8, 2013)

This is my first time posting, but I’ve been roaming around this site for over a month. Anyway here is my story:

I am 21 years old and my husband is 19. We met last year where I used to work; his mother actually introduced us and got us together. I was my husband’s first girlfriend (so innocent,  ) and things were great in the beginning. But, soon his mother became very controlling (and I soon realized that she’s always been controlling toward him.) and it came to be where I could hardly see him. She started bad mouthing me and spreading lies (luckily he never believed her) and it came to the point where we no longer could contact each other. (She had complete control over his life.)

However fate would bring him back into my life and we got back together (but we had to keep it a secret from her) and we soon got engaged. We had a quick court wedding when she kicked him out of the house and plan to have the ceremony later on this year. I decided to let bygones by bygones and try to start over. After all I wanted us to be a family. I didn’t want to have that stereotypical wife/mother-in-law relationship. Everything was fine in the beginning (although she did start some trouble when we were engaged, but I forgave that too, and let it go) Well my husband suffers from anxiety which causes him to pass out and have seizures, well not to long after we were married we ended up at the hospital where his mother called and started to yell at him saying it was my fault he was having seizures and that there is always a room for him if he wants to come back. He was getting upset so I snatched the phone from him and asked her if yelling at him about me was really helping his anxiety. She then began to scream and cuss at me before hanging up. 

It was then I decided I was done with all her drama. I’ve been up and down that roller coaster for far too long and I wanted her out of my life. My husband still goes over there about once or twice a week (we live within walking distance of her. Oh joy) and he understands that I don’t want to see her or talk to her. He has told me numerous times that he was on my side. I don’t really mind him seeing her, so long as he doesn’t let her talk bad about me or him (he says he doesn’t, but I don’t know what he actually says/does to her) 

The problem now is the wedding. I haven’t talked to him about this, but I really don’t want her there. She causes nothing, but drama, and I don’t want her to ruin our special day. Most girls dream of their perfect weddings and I don’t want it to be ruined by her. I tried to let things go, I tried to be civil with her, but she and her bipolar ways continue to talk bad about me and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.

I just don’t know how to bring the topic up to my husband...or if I should...that’s why I’m here asking all of you who might have mother-in-law problems. Do I have a right not to want her at my wedding? Or do I have to suck it up and invite her anyway because now she’s ‘part of the family’?

Also I should also point out that she has never apologized to me directly for anything that she has done to me and my husband.


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I think this is one of those times where you have to understand it is also your husband's wedding and he will want to invite his mother.

Anything you try to prevent her attendance is only going to add to the drama between the two of you for years to come.

You will have to resolve this issue somehow but the wedding is not the time to do it. Let your MIL watch her son get married.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You were too young to get married.

It takes time in life to learn to learn that decisoins you make have ramifications. The ramification of your decision to get married was even though you love your man, he comes with a situation of stress and heartache that will make him a non viable husband to you.

You are also too young to realize that bringing a child into a bad situatoin is a terrible thing to do to an innocent child. So please, for the sake of the innocent, do not get pregnant until you work through this one way or the other.

And you are still focused on "one day" your wedding, but not your "entire lifetime"... which shoujld be what you are thinking about at this moment.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

xRekani said:


> I just don’t know how to bring the topic up to my husband...or if I should...that’s why I’m here asking all of you who might have mother-in-law problems. Do I have a right not to want her at my wedding? Or do I have to suck it up and invite her anyway because now she’s ‘part of the family’?


You can't leave her out if you invite a bunch of other people, especially your parents. If you invite her, you are going to have trouble. The only question is how much. My mil totally wrecked our wedding. My greatest mistake was trying to make her a partner. If you feel compelled to do something, spend a lot of time coming up with a situation that minimizes the damage she can cause.


----------



## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

xRekani said:


> Do I have a right not to want her at my wedding? Or do I have to suck it up and invite her anyway because now she’s ‘part of the family’?
> 
> Also I should also point out that she has never apologized to me directly for anything that she has done to me and my husband.


You need to stop thinking about yourself so much. Have you even asked him how he feels about this situation? Why did you rush to get married by a JOP instead of waiting for this ceremony you are now planning? What was so pressing it had to be done first? 

You have moved WAY too fast on this relationship. You haven't even been with him a year? I would be VERY upset if my son got married at 19 with a girl he hadn't even been with a full year. Maybe she will calm down and like you eventually if you can prove to her that this relationship is solid and has longterm potential. But the only way to prove that is through time and to have a happy and healthy relationship. You need to start extending olive branches and be nice to her and show her that her son can be happy and successful with you. You don't do that by not allowing her at your wedding.

Also, be realistic. You aren't a saint in this situation. Your boyfriend has anxiety issues. So his mom calls him at the hospital yelling, say his anxiety is at a 7 while he's listening to her. Then he has you snatch the phone from him and start yelling at her. His anxiety just increased tenfold! As much drama as she may bring you are bringing it right along with her. This poor guy is caught in the middle and you two are stepping on him to yell at each other.


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Mom has to be invited. You go through with the plan of the excluding her Momma Bear will
never forgive you and will remind you every day of the slight. You need to let your husband handle this and
accept what he wants.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

xRekani said:


> I am 21 years old and my husband is 19.
> 
> I just don’t know how to bring the topic up to my husband...or if I should...that’s why I’m here asking all of you who might have mother-in-law problems. Do I have a right not to want her at my wedding? Or do I have to suck it up and invite her anyway because now she’s ‘part of the family’?
> 
> Also I should also point out that she has never apologized to me directly for anything that she has done to me and my husband.


I am curious as to why you rushed into marriage after barely knowing each other for less than a year. Why did you need to get married so soon?

Your husband is only 19 years old, so his mom has every right to be upset about what is going on. She doesn't have to apologize. He is still a teenager and has a lot of growing up to do. She is trying to protect him and you are not exactly proving yourself by trying to kick her out of your life. It takes time to get to know someone and trust someone, which is true for both your marriage and the relationship with your MIL.

When you marry someone, you not only marry your partner, but you marry into their family. I highly doubt your husband would be happy about you trying to isolate him from his family. There is a reason he visits her weekly, so if you plan on continuing your relationship with your husband, then you are going to have to find a way to make peace with her. This is not just for the sake of the wedding, but for your whole married life.


----------



## Repenting (Jan 7, 2013)

OP, please PLEASE don't have kids until this drama is 2-3 years in the past. No child deserves to be raised in the midst of this kind of drama.


----------



## xRekani (Jan 8, 2013)

Whoa now, who even mentioned kids? I am not pregnant and we already talked about children and we’re not even going to try until like mid-next year and even that is not set in stone.

I am so not trying to make this all about me and I’m not trying to be selfish. I think if I was then I would have already told him that his mother couldn’t come to the wedding. I don’t want to come off as a horrible person and I want to make the right decision for the both of us.

Okay we weren’t planning on getting married so fast. The only reason that it happened this way was because his mom kicked him out of the house for something stupid and he had nowhere else to go. I rent from my parents (two properties on one land) and since we come from a very religious background it would be wrong (in our eyes) for us two to live together without being married. It may have been fast, but it was our decision, and I thought long and hard about it and realized it was the best thing to do and my faith in our marriage and God is very strong.

His mother is not concerned about his wellbeing. She has isolated him about the world. He was completely innocent in every way when we got together. She had made his life horrible and he knows that. From day one I told him that his mom was his mom but I’m just getting tired of all her lies. I can take her being mean to me, but I hate what she is doing to him. Even more so when she is not even his birth-mother. 

I know I’m not perfect – and most of our fights that we had in the past (everything is calm now. We have an open relationship and pretty much tell each other everything. ) is because of my feelings torward his mother. I have no problem with him being part of her life. I mean that’s her son and if and when I do talk to him, and he says that he really wants his mom to go, I would no way tell him ‘no’


----------



## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

> Even more so when she is not even his birth-mother.


You need to drop that attitude. There are plenty of non-birth mothers who love their adopted children just as much as birth mothers do. Don't ever dismiss a mom just because she didn't give birth to that child as being "less" in any way. She raised him his whole life - she's his mom.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

xRekani said:


> From day one I told him that his mom was his mom but I’m just getting tired of all her lies. I can take her being mean to me, but I hate what she is doing to him. Even more so when she is not even his birth-mother.


I know you mean well but this is overstepping your boundaries. You can stop mom from being mean to you but not him. That is his problem to solve not yours.

I feel bad for both of you. You've married too young for all the wrong reasons.


----------



## xRekani (Jan 8, 2013)

janefw said:


> You need to drop that attitude. There are plenty of non-birth mothers who love their adopted children just as much as birth mothers do. Don't ever dismiss a mom just because she didn't give birth to that child as being "less" in any way. She raised him his whole life - she's his mom.


I was so not trying to have an attitude and I'm sorry that it came across that way. I don't think any less of her because she is not his birth mother. I only stated that because she wasn't his birth mother (she is really his aunt) and she adopted him into her home and life and took him out of a bad situation, that she would be more concerned for her sons well being. 

I only know what he has told me (except for what I have experienced first hand in the past year) He's really iffy when it comes to his mother. There are times when he says he is done with her, but then he will talk to her (which I don't mind. I'm always there to remind him that me and him are a family and I will stick by him no matter what)


----------



## xRekani (Jan 8, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> I know you mean well but this is overstepping your boundaries. You can stop mom from being mean to you but not him. That is his problem to solve not yours.
> 
> I feel bad for both of you. You've married too young for all the wrong reasons.


Thank you. It's very hard to see her hurt him that much  he really loves her and it hurts me to see her keep disappointing him. It's hard for me not to be negative about her around him because of it, but I'm really trying. I'm not perfect. Far from it. (and he is understanding about it. He's a really great guy.)

We also married for love. I love him and he loves me. Yeah, we are young, but that doesn't make our love any more less true. After all I don't take marriage lightly. Do I wish things would have worked out better? Yeah. I don't regret marring him. But, of course I would have rather the wedding ceremony to be our real wedding rather then a court one.


----------



## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Most 19 year old guys would find a room-mate and experience being a young adult, not get married. It's perfectly normal for kids this age to have a love/hate relationship with their parents. They want to be grown ups and make adult decisions because the law says at 18 you're an adult; unfortunately, their brains haven't fully developed yet. 

No wonder his mom was upset. You hid the relationship and snuck around and had a secret ceremony. You say she isolated him, I bet she would say she was trying to protect him. His mom has life experience and I bet mama bear saw something in you that she didn't think was in his best interests.


----------



## xRekani (Jan 8, 2013)

*Re: Mother-in-law &amp; Wedding*

My husband is not like normal 19 year old guys. He's very innocent. He was secluded from the world. And we didn't hide it from her. When we got back together yea we hid it cuz she would try to break us up again. She was there when he proposed to me though. She was ok a while afterwords, but then wanted to start drama. She's just upset because she lost control over him. She never let him have a girlfriend before, he hardly had any friends, she took most of his money from his job so he couldn't move out. She is totally bi polar. The only reason she has to not like me is that I took her son away (even though she pushed him away) I had no problems with her till she started calling me horrible names and spreading lies about me. I was nothing but kind to her. I told him though that he could invite anyone he wants so that's fine. So long as she doesn't try to start something ill keep my mouth shut. She hasn't been a good mother. But me and my husband relationship is fine. We made an oath before God. We love each other a lot. I try to be supportive to him when it comes to his mom because all she does is lie and disappoint him. All I can say is that me and him are family know and ill always be there for him


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Wait a couple of years to marry. Let him live on his own and be a man for a while. Seriously.


----------



## xRekani (Jan 8, 2013)

*Re: Re: Mother-in-law &amp; Wedding*



that_girl said:


> Wait a couple of years to marry. Let him live on his own and be a man for a while. Seriously.


I didn't force him to do anything. If we didn't get together I don't know how long he would be living with his mom because she took like 75% of his check. He could never afford to move out. Anyway we're already married. This topic isn't about me and him though. That was our decision and no one elses. If you think we're too young that's your opinion. Not trying to be rude or anything, but its true. Me and him are in it for the long haul, I don't believe in divorce unless its serious issues.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Most likely his mother is extremely concerned that he was getting so attached to you and then got married. She has every right to be concerned about him getting married at 19 to his first girlfriend after knowing her for a short while.

Most marriages, when either the woman is under 25 or the guy is under 30 end in divorce. The chance of your marriage making it more than a year or two is very small. She knows this.

If your husband has anxiety to the point of seizures he is mentally ill. She is the person who has been taking care of him. She’s worried about him.

How old was he when he went to live with his mother (the aunt)? What happened to his birth mother?


----------



## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

So your husband was more innocent than most 19 year olds, so he's really like a 15 year old? 

Not that you're interested, but here is the article about brain development. Brain changes significantly after age 18, says Dartmouth research


----------



## xRekani (Jan 8, 2013)

*Re: Mother-in-law &amp; Wedding*

If that was the case I would understand, but sadly is not. She tried to break us up the first time we dated (no talk of marriage or anything like that) and in the end she got her way. One minute she'll be nice to me then the next she's telling lies and what not

I understand the statistics, but sadly people nowadays divorce for pity things or don't try to make things work. Me and him are very open about everything and I have complete trust in him. (Im so not the jealous type)

He just recently started having seizures, so no she wasn't taking care of him. I was the one who was in the hospital with him, I was the one who helped dress him and help him walk and go to the bathroom (the medicine made him loopy at first) she wouldn't even come to the hospital and see him. Kept making lame excuses. 

She adopted him when he was very young. Like 5 or so. I don't know why je was taking away from his birth parents, im not even sure if he knows. Once before (when we were still engaged) she found out he was talking to his birth parents and told him that she wasn't coming to our wedding, she started to blame me, and she said she wanted nothing to do with him. Of course this didn't last.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Did he have anxiety attacks before he met you? If so for how long?

Is his mother married? Or did she raise him on her own?


----------



## xRekani (Jan 8, 2013)

*Re: Re: Mother-in-law &amp; Wedding*



Aunt Ava said:


> So your husband was more innocent than most 19 year olds, so he's really like a 15 year old?
> 
> Not that you're interested, but here is the article about brain development. Brain changes significantly after age 18, says Dartmouth research


He doesn't act like he's 15 (make me feel like a pedophile lol) but I mean he knew nothing about the world in general. Poor boy was very sheltered. He's learning though. And I know that the brain isn't fully developed at 19. I mean he can have immature moments (don't most guys? ) but he doesnt act like a child. He's mature. Just innocent


----------



## xRekani (Jan 8, 2013)

*Re: Re: Mother-in-law &amp; Wedding*



EleGirl said:


> Did he have anxiety attacks before he met you? If so for how long?
> 
> Is his mother married? Or did she raise him on her own?


Yes. Probably since his teen years. He had a bad car accident a while ago, so that probably didn't help

Yes, she's married. I think around 20 years? I have no problem with his father and his dad really likes me. Its just her.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Mother-in-law &amp; Wedding*



xRekani said:


> He doesn't act like he's 15 (make me feel like a pedophile lol) but I mean he knew nothing about the world in general. Poor boy was very sheltered. He's learning though. And I know that the brain isn't fully developed at 19. I mean he can have immature moments (don't most guys? ) but he doesnt act like a child. He's mature. Just innocent


The brain does not finish developing until age 26.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

*Re: Mother-in-law &amp; Wedding*



xRekani said:


> I didn't force him to do anything. If we didn't get together I don't know how long he would be living with his mom because she took like 75% of his check. He could never afford to move out. Anyway we're already married. This topic isn't about me and him though. That was our decision and no one elses. If you think we're too young that's your opinion. Not trying to be rude or anything, but its true. Me and him are in it for the long haul, I don't believe in divorce unless its serious issues.


Well, good luck. I hope your dreams come true.


----------



## xRekani (Jan 8, 2013)

*Re: Re: Mother-in-law &amp;amp; Wedding*



EleGirl said:


> The brain does not finish developing until age 26.


That sounds about right. But everyone is different. I was raised in a christian house hold and always had very high morals. I was a virgin until I got married (he wasn't my first boyfriend) he's a total gentleman and a sweet heart. He treats ne great. He's newly saved, so im helping him grow in Christ. I know we will have problems, im not naive, but I know this can work. I know me and him will be okay.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Mother-in-law &amp; Wedding*



xRekani said:


> Yes. Probably since his teen years. He had a bad car accident a while ago, so that probably didn't help
> 
> Yes, she's married. I think around 20 years? I have no problem with his father and his dad really likes me. Its just her.


The two of you are going to have a hard time making this marriage work. I'm not saying this to be mean. It's the truth and I'd love to see you two not get divorced as I think that divorce at any age is a terrible thing to go through. 

I have children who are between the ages of 23-26. So I've been dealing with a lot of these young love issues in recent years and seen some sad things go down.

So i'm going to give you some advice that you did not ask for. It's the same advice I've given my chidlren.

Do not have babies until you are 25. A woman's body is really not mature enough until that age. Plus the two of you need those early years to grow into your marriage.

Also get the books linked to below for building a passionate marriage. If the two of you read them, do the work the books suggest you will have an extremely strong marriage.

The best thing you could do is to treat his mother with respect no matter how much drama she throws your way. Eventually she will either calm down or just look like a fool. If your marriage lasts as a good marriage until you are 25 she will be in awe of you two (she does not expect this to happen). Then when you start having babies they will melt her heart because she will want to love those babies.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Mother-in-law &amp; Wedding*



xRekani said:


> I don't believe in divorce unless its serious issues.


Just about no one believes in divorce unless there are serious issues. Yet 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Ask them all if they believed in divorce when they got married. Most would say no.

We live in a society that does not support marriage. Infidelity and divorce are sold as a solution to every marriage problem.


----------



## xRekani (Jan 8, 2013)

*Re: Re: Mother-in-law &amp;amp; Wedding*



EleGirl said:


> The two of you are going to have a hard time making this marriage work. I'm not saying this to be mean. It's the truth and I'd love to see you two not get divorced as I think that divorce at any age is a terrible thing to go through.
> 
> I have children who are between the ages of 23-26. So I've been dealing with a lot of these young love issues in recent years and seen some sad things go down.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the advice. I do not take your words lightly. I know it won't be easy. But I've seen marriags fail and suceed from my siblings (all are a lot older than me) it will be hard. But im ready to face any challenges and I know one of the most important things is communication which we communicate a lot.


Like I said were not talking about having kids for a while. Not sure about 25 cuz I don't want to have biological kids after like 32 (personal choice because of experience) but of course I also want to adopt and maybe foster kids as well. But right now needs to be about him and me

I really try not to bad mouth her and I do fail. Im not perfect. But my husband is understanding and knows how his mother is. Hopefully she soon comes around and see she's losing her son (by her actions alone. Not because of me) but we will see. I really do want us all to be able to get alone even more so when we do have kids.


----------



## xRekani (Jan 8, 2013)

*Re: Re: Mother-in-law &amp;amp; Wedding*



EleGirl said:


> Just about no one believes in divorce unless there are serious issues. Yet 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Ask them all if they believed in divorce when they got married. Most would say no.
> 
> We live in a society that does not support marriage. Infidelity and divorce are sold as a solution to every marriage problem.


I know that and its very sad. But I was raised in a Christian home. My husband can't even talk to girls properly (it took a lot of courage for him to ask me out) so I completely trust him and he would never dare lay a hand on me. I mean I can't know what the future brings, but I know I will fight tooth and nail to make this marriage beat those satistics. But I guess that's because im very optimistic and my faith is very strong.


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Ok first of all... Dont assume your relationship will go the same way others do. Next.... I notice you say your man is "innocent" alot.... In what way exactly? How was he sheltered in your opinion.... Oh and you say he is "newly saved" Is his mothers belief different from your own?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## xRekani (Jan 8, 2013)

*Re: Re: Mother-in-law &amp; Wedding*



Gaia said:


> Ok first of all... Dont assume your relationship will go the same way others do. Next.... I notice you say your man is "innocent" alot.... In what way exactly? How was he sheltered in your opinion.... Oh and you say he is "newly saved" Is his mothers belief different from your own?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't assume it will. Every relationship is different. All im saying is im gunna fight through the hard times to make our marriage defeat the satistics.

He's innocent as in normal things you would think a 19 year old know. Like sex. Knew almost nothing of it. Never had porn magazines or stuff like that. (I wouldn't mind if he did. Its normal) he doesn't know what a lot of normal words/saying means (not trying to say he's dumb) he wasn't allowed to have friends nor girlfriends (his mom had completele control over his life) wasn't allowed to go nowhere really. he just wasn't able to have a normal teenager experience. 

His mother is catholic, but she doesn't pratice it. At first she didn't want him to go to church with me because she saI'd "the building would fall when he walked in" but he came with me got saved and baptised (she wouldn't even come to that. That hurt him a lot)


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Does he have a mental condition?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## xRekani (Jan 8, 2013)

*Re: Re: Mother-in-law &amp; Wedding*



Gaia said:


> Does he have a mental condition?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well he was diagnosed with ADHD and bi polar but has stopped taking medication for it (we weren't together then) I don't really think he has ADHD and as for bi polar. He can get angry quickly, but im able to calm him down, but its not like one moment he's happy and the next he's not. It also has not affected our relationship at least not yet.


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Anything else? Or is it just bi polar and ADHD?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## xRekani (Jan 8, 2013)

*Re: Re: Mother-in-law &amp; Wedding*



Gaia said:


> Anything else? Or is it just bi polar and ADHD?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think that is it. He might have been diagnosed before with anxiety. That's the main problem he has now though, but its getting better. He hasn't had a seizure in like a week since he's been taking his medication


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Wow. Ya'll are so young and already married and with these issues.

Maybe a therapist would help just to talk things out? I dunno


----------



## xRekani (Jan 8, 2013)

*Re: Re: Mother-in-law &amp; Wedding*



that_girl said:


> Wow. Ya'll are so young and already married and with these issues.
> 
> Maybe a therapist would help just to talk things out? I dunno


Me and him don't have real bad issues. If anything his issues are because of his mother and mine is from past relationships. But we communicate a lot. We often express how we're feeling (im not perfect about it, but he can tell how I feel and im working at it)

We've talked about therapy before. Like I said any issues is what we have separately, but things are getting better...not that we had real big issues before. (Except for his mother)


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Not saying big issues. Just issues at a young age....I duno.

His mom is his mom...don't make issues there. She will make issues but you can't control her. Don't talk shet to your man about his mom-- he'll start to resent you. just...avoid her as much as possible.


----------



## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Enough already with the "you're too young" posts, they're married, so those posts aren't helpful at all & some have been down right rude.
Let's focus on the issues at hand, an over bearing MIL, a husband with anxiety & other possible psych issues & how the OP can deal with all of it.

OP, I'm more than twice your age & I still have problems with my MIL.
I barely tolerate her & have found it's simply better to let my husband deal with his parents, it makes my life smoother & my husband is the who has the experience dealing with them.
I married into his family & vice versa, but to me you don't automatically give ANYONE a pass just because they are family.
If anything, family should be the last ones to hurt you, but often they're the first ones to do so.

As frustrated as you maybe with your MIL, not inviting her to the wedding will more than likely cause more grief for years to come.
Invite her, plan your big ceremony & if she's going to be a pain, then she's going to be a pain, you can't control other people but you can control the way you react to them.
There will be others at the wedding, including her son who can be the mediator for you. 

Regarding your husband's anxiety, he needs to be in therapy to learn ways to cope with stressful situations without resorting to using drugs to calm himself down since drugs will not always be readily available.
A good therapist can teach him techniques that can self soothe him when he feels his anxiety levels climbing.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Just saying therapy would help a ton since he's so "innocent" and has ADHD and anxiety and other issues. Now he's a husband.


----------



## xRekani (Jan 8, 2013)

*Re: Re: Mother-in-law &amp; Wedding*



that_girl said:


> Not saying big issues. Just issues at a young age....I duno.
> 
> His mom is his mom...don't make issues there. She will make issues but you can't control her. Don't talk shet to your man about his mom-- he'll start to resent you. just...avoid her as much as possible.


Yeah I guess that's true. I mean were not perfect. But were growing together 

I know. I try. I really only do whem she tries and starts something, which she hasn't lately...at least that I know of. My husband knows his mom is crazy (his words not mine) and understands my feelings about her. He's starting to get tired of all her drama and lies on his own. But I know its still his mom and I don't tell him he cant see or talk to her.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He'll need to be the one to tell her to knock it off. 

If you do it, it will confirm his mom's views about things (if she doesn't like you, etc...)


----------



## xRekani (Jan 8, 2013)

*Re: Re: Mother-in-law &amp; Wedding*



Phenix70 said:


> Enough already with the "you're too young" posts, they're married, so those posts aren't helpful at all & some have been down right rude.
> Let's focus on the issues at hand, an over bearing MIL, a husband with anxiety & other possible psych issues & how the OP can deal with all of it.
> 
> OP, I'm more than twice your age & I still have problems with my MIL.
> ...


Thank you. I did feel like I was being attacked for marrying at a young age. I could understand if this thread was about me and him, but its not. 

As for his mother I told him that he was allowed to invite anyone that he wants, even if I wasn't thrilled about her going. He said he wanted her to come, but I didn't have to talk to her or anything (not saying I would ignore her. I would only say something if she was going to start something)

As long as my husband sticks up for me and stands by my side (which he has) im okay with it. I told him numerous times that I would never let someone bad mouth him, even my own family members

Yes, he really needs counseling for his anxiety


----------



## xRekani (Jan 8, 2013)

*Re: Re: Mother-in-law &amp; Wedding*



that_girl said:


> He'll need to be the one to tell her to knock it off.
> 
> If you do it, it will confirm his mom's views about things (if she doesn't like you, etc...)


I agree. I don't even talk to her. And I never really went off on her (even though there was times that I wanted to) I don't want to prove her right and I don't want him to start to resent me


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Any issues you have, even if from the past, are issues you both will have. Past issues do effect the relationship as much as present and future ones. Everyone has in law problems and if he has anxiety and seizures it may be caused from his mother or it may be caused by something else. Either way you need to stop thinking of him as innocent. 

You married him right? So that means you have a man by your side now. Treat him as such. You may have issues with his mother but ultimately that is his responsibility to deal with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## xRekani (Jan 8, 2013)

*Re: Re: Mother-in-law &amp; Wedding*



Gaia said:


> Any issues you have, even if from the past, are issues you both will have. Past issues do effect the relationship as much as present and future ones. Everyone has in law problems and if he has anxiety and seizures it may be caused from his mother or it may be caused by something else. Either way you need to stop thinking of him as innocent.
> 
> You married him right? So that means you have a man by your side now. Treat him as such. You may have issues with his mother but ultimately that is his responsibility to deal with.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's true. He does need help with his anxiety and needs to learn how to deal with stress better while I need to do better at up front express my feelings at that moment rather then waiting for him to figure it or wait a few days.

He has always been by my side and im on his side. I want to be his strength and his encouragement. I know talking about his mom (even if he does agree) makes me a bad person. Im really trying. But thanks for your advice, it didn't fall on deaf ears. I have a bit to think about and I plan to talk to him about getting into counselling


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Mother-in-law &amp; Wedding*



xRekani said:


> Well he was diagnosed with ADHD and bi polar but has stopped taking medication for it (we weren't together then) I don't really think he has ADHD and as for bi polar. He can get angry quickly, but im able to calm him down, but its not like one moment he's happy and the next he's not. It also has not affected our relationship at least not yet.


Bi-Polar does not mean that a person is happy one moment and depressed (or unhappy) in the next moment. It means that the person can experience very high, manic stages and then very low depressed stages. These stages can last for days, weeks or even months. The person can be on an even keel for a long time, even years, and then out of nowhere get into a manic phase. Some people bi-polar people also can experience psychosis.

ADHD has another set of problems. Many ADHD people have trouble making friends and keeping them. There are a whole slew of issues dealing with this. 

Then you are also dealing with is anxiety and seizures.

You have taken on a whole lot. It would be a good idea for you to read up on these disorders and learn about them. Learn about the signs, the behaviors.

We get a lot of cases of people here who are married to bi-polar people who just go over the edge out of nowhere. If you know what to look for and he has good medical care you might be able to avoid the pit falls.


----------



## xRekani (Jan 8, 2013)

*Re: Re: Mother-in-law &amp;amp; Wedding*



EleGirl said:


> Bi-Polar does not mean that a person is happy one moment and depressed (or unhappy) in the next moment. It means that the person can experience very high, manic stages and then very low depressed stages. These stages can last for days, weeks or even months. The person can be on an even keel for a long time, even years, and then out of nowhere get into a manic phase. Some people bi-polar people also can experience psychosis.
> 
> ADHD has another set of problems. Many ADHD people have trouble making friends and keeping them. There are a whole slew of issues dealing with this.
> 
> ...



that's true. I haven't seen real signs of the bi polar yet. I wouldn't have known he had if he hadn't told me. I want to help him the best I can, but I know its up to him. I dont think he will totally be against the idea of going to see a counselor, but I plan on talking to him about it. 

The anxiety is the hardest part. Everytime we get into a small argument (or even a disagreement) he starts to get chest pains and prone to passing out, which makes me feel bad (but he tells me its not my fault) 

But ill definitely look onto it. I want to do what is best for him and what is best for us


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

It sounds like there is some info missing. You say his mother kept him sheltered? He hasnt seen porn or had sex.... Has she kept him from doing sports activities too?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## xRekani (Jan 8, 2013)

*Re: Re: Mother-in-law &amp; Wedding*



Gaia said:


> It sounds like there is some info missing. You say his mother kept him sheltered? He hasnt seen porn or had sex.... Has she kept him from doing sports activities too?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes. Very sheltered. He saw porn once, thats it. Never had sex or even kissed a girl (I was his first for everything) wasn't allowed to have friends or girlfriend s (he's a really great, sweet, cute guy so it wasn't like girls didn't like him. Of course he's really shy though) no sport activities either. He wanted to play football, but wasn't allowed. He also wanted to join the army, wasn't allowed. She controlled every aspect of his life and there was little he could do about it.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He would not be able to get in the Army being Bi Polar, ADHD, having anxiety and seizures.


----------



## xRekani (Jan 8, 2013)

*Re: Re: Mother-in-law &amp; Wedding*



EleGirl said:


> He would not be able to get in the Army being Bi Polar, ADHD, having anxiety and seizures.


Well no I know that, but it was the fact she wouldn't allow him to even try (I doubt she would know what it takes to get in the army, so it was just she didn't want to lose control over him)


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I think you have the wrong idea about his mother. 

No porn
No friend
No sports
No girlfriend
No stressful or potentially stressful activity.

He has seizures, anxiety, if in an arguement his chest hurts. Have you ever considered that he may have a heart condition or something similar? His mother was and is probably concerned for his health instead of trying to control him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## xRekani (Jan 8, 2013)

*Re: Re: Mother-in-law &amp; Wedding*



Gaia said:


> I think you have the wrong idea about his mother.
> 
> No porn
> No friend
> ...


He only recently started to have seizures. He has no heart condition nor anything that can truly explain the seizures (neurologist suggested anxiety, but catscan and mri came out fine) he had a bunch of test done while he was in the hospital

And with the anxiety, that's still no reason not to let him have friends or a girlfriend. If she was so concerned for his health, she should have visited him when he was in the hospital, he made it clear to her he wanted her to come, but she never did.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Mother-in-law &amp; Wedding*



xRekani said:


> Well no I know that, but it was the fact she wouldn't allow him to even try (I doubt she would know what it takes to get in the army, so it was just she didn't want to lose control over him)


She might have checked and found out.

Why didn't he just go on his own? He did not need her permission.

What kind of job does he have?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Mother-in-law &amp; Wedding*



xRekani said:


> He only recently started to have seizures. He has no heart condition nor anything that can truly explain the seizures (neurologist suggested anxiety, but catscan and mri came out fine) he had a bunch of test done while he was in the hospital
> 
> And with the anxiety, that's still no reason not to let him have friends or a girlfriend. If she was so concerned for his health, she should have visited him when he was in the hospital, he made it clear to her he wanted her to come, but she never did.


She probably did not come because she knew you were there. It would have only caused him more stress to have you both in the same room the way things are.


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Some people with really bad anxiety are introverts so are you sure she somehow kept him from having friends or was it his choice?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## xRekani (Jan 8, 2013)

*Re: Mother-in-law &amp; Wedding*

I guess he was just used to doing what she says and not sticking up for himself

.He currently doesn't have a job. He lost his after he wasn't allowed to work for a week after getting out of the hospital, even though his boss oked this. He's looking for a job and he's been real down about it cuz he's not bringing any money (I have a good job, so we can make it until he gets another job)

I wasn't going to be there when she came. Plus she said she would come, but when he called her and asked If she was going and would say that she was to tired or didn't have enough gas (they have 2 vehicles, im sure not both were low on gas) but then start telling him it was my fault he was having troubles even told him that there was an extra room at her house. And up to this point I've been nothing but kind to her. Sigh


----------



## xRekani (Jan 8, 2013)

*Re: Re: Mother-in-law &amp; Wedding*



Gaia said:


> Some people with really bad anxiety are introverts so are you sure she somehow kept him from having friends or was it his choice?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not his choice. But also didn't help his brother spread rumours about him in school. I mean he had a few in-school friends, but he wasnt allowed to talk or hang out with them outside of school


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Was his brother allowed friends outside of school?

What kind of rumors did his brother spread?


----------



## xRekani (Jan 8, 2013)

*Re: Re: Mother-in-law &amp; Wedding*



EleGirl said:


> Was his brother allowed friends outside of school?
> 
> What kind of rumors did his brother spread?


Im not sure about that one, probably not because his brother got sick of her and ended up moving in with his biological dad in north carolina. His brother probably didn't allow his mom to really control him though

That he was gay and what not. Plus my hubby has a serious expression and people at school used to call him serial killer (my poor hun  ) and I understand this contributed to him not having a lot of friends, but it doesn't help when he couldn't see or talk to them.

I mean it wasn't long after we first dated that he couldn't talk to me when he was home because she would constantly be over his shoulder.


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Either way I do think you should try to make the best of things if his mother attends the wedding ceremony.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## xRekani (Jan 8, 2013)

*Re: Re: Mother-in-law &amp; Wedding*



Gaia said:


> Either way I do think you should try to make the best of things if his mother attends the wedding ceremony.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, I know. I can be civil with her. I won't really go out of my way to talk to her, but I won't ignore her. But, I wont allow her to start something, especially on that day and my husband knows this and agrees with me. I don't think she will, but you never know with her


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Just be careful not to turn into her. Technically a person cant "allow" as they dont control others. They can set thier foot down and stick to any good, solid boundaries.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## xRekani (Jan 8, 2013)

*Re: Mother-in-law &amp; Wedding*

I don't think he thought he had a way out. That was the only life he knew. And no way would I want to turn into her. I don't control him, ultimately he can do what he wants, of course he doesn't really do anything that I have a problem with


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Now he knows he does. Thats good btw.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

