# Sexual problems with hubby



## msammys (Jan 27, 2012)

We are a young couple (23,24) and we've been married for a few months. Dated long befor we got married. I love him and he loves me. He means everything to me. He has a hard time getting hard..He kind of gets hard but not all the way and it is still soft and bends. Then he has a hard time staying hard (semi hard not sure what to call it) sometimes he just goes soft on me and just stops. He also has a hard time ejaculating. We could be having sex for an hour and he cant go. There have been a few times he has ejaculated and i wanted to keep going and he couldnt cause he went down and got soft very quickly.I have a hard time trying to orgasm he just isnt hard enough to do anything. It gets frustrating at times and im sure it frustrates him aswell. I talked to him awhile ago I asked him to see a doctor for this...He really didnt want to talk about it and didnt say to much. He just said he would see a doctor. Well he hasnt saw a doctor yet. Should I talk to him about this again? Id just really like for him to get it looked at. I would never let sex get in the way of our marrige. I like sex and Ive got needs. Any input would be greatly appriciated. Also he is active military im not sure if this could be affecting him in anyway asfar as stress and stuff goes. Ive looked online and keep seeing Erectile dysfunction or Impotence? Thanks.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Is he stressed? When my hubs was stressed about money he was like that (for about a month) and it resolved. I never said anything negative.

Also, now he could be stressed about not being able to perform, which causes it to go soft. If you show disappointment, it adds to that frustration and the cycle continues.

And also, once a man cums....it does go soft. so, he'll have to finish you off manually or whatever. That's just biology. Sometimes, rarely, it can stay hard, but once he cums, he's done.


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## ozwang (Aug 11, 2011)

is he in good shape ie exercises regularly and eats a balanced healthy diet?


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## Auzzie (Jan 23, 2012)

If he is overweight/obese this may be one cause. Poor circulation due to size...any heart problems in his family history?


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Get him to the doctor to have afew checks done....diabetes, low testosterone etc.
Atleast you could rule out 'mechanical' issues...

Good luck...


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## nicky1 (Jan 20, 2012)

try using a lubed up hand job to get him up, and if he can go for an hour without blowing it then he has a gift most women could only dream of their men having.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

The real question is was he always like this or was he sometimes 'better'. It can also be you dont 'spur' him on enough. Tell him he can do whatever he likes to you. Maybe he is scared of something. I dont think you need a doctor. When he gets more 'comfortable' with you it will improve.


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## msammys (Jan 27, 2012)

Its all the times pretty much most of the time. He said this has happened to him in last relationships also so its not just with me. I have tryed bj/hand job he still doesnt get hard enough and when I stop to get started sexualy he is already down. He is in great shape. Im not used to a guy going soft after he cums thats why I brought it up. My last relationships they could keep going after they ejaculated. I know everyone is different. Its just different with him.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Going soft after cuming is fairly normal. Maybe some younger guys with high testosterone levels can maintain something of an erection after orgasm, but there are likely many who can't.

Does he have insecurities about sex? It would seem that this would cause a lot of performance anxiety in a man, which could end up being a self-perpetuating cycle.

I think he should go to a doctor, along with you, to be evaluated. Everything may be okay physically, which would be a relief for you, and then you can concentrate on the emotional/mental aspect of it for him. The doctor may be able to prescribe something like Viagra to tide him over if it is mostly a mental thing with him. The doctor could also refer you to a therapist, like a sex therapist who specializes in handling sexual issues, who could give you ideas and techniques to try if it is primarily anxiety that is the problem.

The other thing to consider is whether he masturbates a lot. There are some young guys (and not so young ones) who get into chronic masturbation, either from watching porn or not. That can also cause some anxiety and performance problems when it comes time to being with a woman.

Best wishes.


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## msammys (Jan 27, 2012)

He used to masterbate alot...He also had alot of porn on his computer when we first met. Of course its all gone now I made him delete it all lol He told me he doesnt need it anymore now though cause he has me and doesnt need it. I was thinking it was from masterbating to much but I wasnt sure. I didnt think masterbating alot could affect you. I dont think he has any insecurities about sex. I dont think he has anxiety either. I have severe anxiety but it doesnt affect my sex life. Thanks guys for the input


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## althea (Jan 26, 2012)

Quick question- does he drink much alcohol?


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## msammys (Jan 27, 2012)

althea said:


> Quick question- does he drink much alcohol?


No he doesnt drink when he does its very rare If anything im the drinker.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

He's bored or not that turned on.


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

sounds like you should have let him keep the porn. Hay, what ever works.


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## SimonLLL (Jan 29, 2012)

I think the clue might be 'in the active military'. Stress can be a real libido killer. 

Keep mentioning getting help with him and show that you are giving unconditional support to his problem. 

Ask him what turns him on about you and in general, and see if there are any clues that might assist in him regaining his confidence.

It might be worth getting his hormones checked. This is not just a problem for the middle-aged. There may be some underlying condition that's causing the problem.


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## msammys (Jan 27, 2012)

Well we talked he said he will go see the doctor which will be about 3 weeks from now hes in classes and cant miss any days. I turn him on its not him being about to get turned on he gets turned on all the time by me. He told me this has been a life long thing with him.


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## finebyme72 (Jul 12, 2011)

It sounds more like anxiety than stress. I used to have this issue sometimes early on in a couple of my relationships. I always let the girl know that's what it was though as I didn't want her thinking it was her. It just took me some time and then the problem would go away.


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## SimonLLL (Jan 29, 2012)

msammys - 

hey, great!! Moving forward is really good with the doctor's appt.

I think finebyme might have a point. Because of the sexual difficulties, he's now anxious as well as stressed (from military life, classes etc).

If you turn each other on, then that's one potential problem dismissed. It's all looking good.

Support him as best as possible through this busy classes period - I understand you've probably got your own things that need attention, so don't neglect those. Be strong for yourself. He will gain strength and confidence from that. 

A great marriage works by each of you bringing 100% of yourself to the relationship. At present, he's bringing, say 70%. Don't try and be the missing 30% as well - it's too stressful and will burn you out. Like I said, support him through bringing that 30% back.

You've got time on your side and once you're through this it's gonna be awesome!!:smthumbup:


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Sounds like sexual anxiety. Any kind of anxiety will shut a man down sexually very fast. Sometimes he is fine in a non romantic relationship but the pressure and responsibility to perform in a serious relationship can cause stress and anxiety. Sometimes young guys who grew up watching porn have trouble when they start having partner sex because it is so different and less intense than masturbating to porn. This difference can cause performance anxiety with many of these men saying they can't feel anything, or they are not turned on enough or their penis feels "numb" Again this will cause a man not to be able to have an orgasm and sometimes make him lose his erection or he can't get one in the first place.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Losing an erection after ejaculation shouldn't be a surprise. Its pretty standard for most males beyond their teens and early 20s

From the description of your conversation about it it sounds like something short of a completely open discussion. There is probably a lot unsaid and a very sensitive area for both of you.

I would lower the stakes and simply talk about it as a problem that isn't the end of the world but one you will work on to fix together and have lots of time to figure out. Not in a patronizing or any way that he might feel is demanding but in a supportive enthusiastic way.

Focus on what does work. For him it sounds like he can and does masturbate regularly. Start with that. Play with it creatively. Incorporate into your sex life together. Mutual masturbation, oral play, watching each other, combinations of all the above etc. I'm not against porn but it sounds like he should either stay away from it or watch it together until you guys are more in synch.

Or course, he should talk to his doctor but that is exactly the kind of conversation with the doctor that most guys dread. Patient persistence will be required.


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