# She wants space to find herself...



## danniecrain

:scratchhead:Hi all I was hoping you could help.

My wife has told me 8 weeks ago she hasnt felt for me the way that she used to feel. Since we have tried to talk about it but it keeps going around in circles, we are going to MC but have had only 2 sessions. Says she wants space and wants to be apart more so maybe she will miss me and want me again. There is no one else, this is just how she feels and has done so for a long time and hidden it from everyone including me. We have gone from discussing our feelings straight to seperation. Is it just me or have we missed trying a lot of different things before we try seperation, and hurt the kids in the process?
She cant see any other way and I suggested seperation under the same roof, not sure how that would work, but at least we wouldnt have to tell the kids Im moving out and money wise it would make the most sense. How can I give her space and make her miss me without moving out?


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## Chris Taylor

Kids aren't stupid. They probably see the problems now and will see a "separation under the same roof" as an on-going problem..

I'm not for separations. Part of communicating with each other is talking about "other" things, not related to the relationship. If you can do that amicably, you have a better chance of discussing the relationship amicably.

In addition, things you discuss in MC can be put to use between sessions. If you aren't living together, you don't have a chance to act on what you have learned.


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## LonelyNLost

Is there anyone else? Is she depressed?


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## Sanity

danniecrain said:


> :scratchhead:Hi all I was hoping you could help.
> 
> My wife has told me 8 weeks ago she hasnt felt for me the way that she used to feel. Since we have tried to talk about it but it keeps going around in circles, we are going to MC but have had only 2 sessions. Says she wants space and wants to be apart more so maybe she will miss me and want me again. There is no one else, this is just how she feels and has done so for a long time and hidden it from everyone including me. We have gone from discussing our feelings straight to seperation. Is it just me or have we missed trying a lot of different things before we try seperation, and hurt the kids in the process?
> She cant see any other way and I suggested seperation under the same roof, not sure how that would work, but at least we wouldnt have to tell the kids Im moving out and money wise it would make the most sense. How can I give her space and make her miss me without moving out?


Sounds like she is having an affair or just doesn't want to be marriage anymore.


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## Amplexor

danniecrain said:


> How can I give her space and make her miss me without moving out?


Rule number one, she wants space, she moves out. Otherwise no dice. Let her know you're not going to look like you're abandoning your kids by leaving. If she wants space she goes!! She deals with the questions about why with the kids, family and friends. If you are willing to work on the marriage, let her know but that you will not be thrown or quilted out of the house.

Your wife is withdrawing from the marriage. Can you explain why? What's her motivation? What are the marital issues?


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## Ten_year_hubby

Amplexor said:


> Rule number one, she wants space, she moves out. Otherwise no dice. Let her know you're not going to look like you're abandoning your kids by leaving. If she wants space she goes!! She deals with the questions about why with the kids, family and friends. If you are willing to work on the marriage, let her know but that you will not be thrown or quilted out of the house.


Amplexor has my emphatic agreement. Last Wednesday my wife demanded that I move out. "No way" I said, this is my house and I'm staying in it. "OK, then I'll go" she said. But she quickly realized that doing it might not be as easy as saying it. The only way I would move out is if I already had the deal sealed with someone else and that is probably the most unlikely of all possible outcomes


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## anx

My wife needed space to reconnect. My MC story is in my profile. We separated for 2 months after being in counseling for 8.

Its not ideal, but its not terrible.


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## SoxMunkey

My wife needed the same thing... finding "herself" that is. She found herself alright. She found her freedom and another guy. She moved out and is living with him. Now we are in the process of a divorce.

I hope that your story has a happier ending. Good luck.


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## Brewster 59

Amplexor said:


> Rule number one, she wants space, she moves out. Otherwise no dice. Let her know you're not going to look like you're abandoning your kids by leaving. If she wants space she goes!! She deals with the questions about why with the kids, family and friends. If you are willing to work on the marriage, let her know but that you will not be thrown or quilted out of the house.
> 
> Your wife is withdrawing from the marriage. Can you explain why? What's her motivation? What are the marital issues?


:iagree: totally spot on, make her be the one to leave and explain to the kids but also convey that you are willing to work on improving the marriage. Usually I need space line is not good it rates right up there with I love you but Im not in love with you, and, Its not you its me.


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## F-102

When a man needs space, he usually means: "I am feeling crowded or overwhelmed and need time to sort things out. But I'll be back."

When a woman needs space, she usually means: "I've met somebody...".


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## danniecrain

LonelyNLost said:


> Is there anyone else? Is she depressed?


There is no one else, I'm 99% sure of this(no one can ever be 100% sure of this). Depressed dont know I think there is something deep down underlying what or how she feels, and I have discussed this with MC because if I bring this up to her she will hate me for it and she will think I'm trying to blame depression on how she feels. She has had bad experiance with her mum, so she hates the meds they use for it.


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## danniecrain

Amplexor said:


> Rule number one, she wants space, she moves out. Otherwise no dice. Let her know you're not going to look like you're abandoning your kids by leaving. If she wants space she goes!! She deals with the questions about why with the kids, family and friends. If you are willing to work on the marriage, let her know but that you will not be thrown or quilted out of the house.
> 
> Your wife is withdrawing from the marriage. Can you explain why? What's her motivation? What are the marital issues?


Yep I put that to her last night, did it the wrong way though I was angry and a little nasty at the time, so we really didnt discuss it through, but she got the idea.

She just thinks its the best option and she thinks it will make her miss me and make her want me back, but all it will do is hurt me and then I'll resent her for doing so.
She wants space to figure out what she wants/needs, she wants to be attracted to me again and to feel like she used too, and she seems to think this cant be done while i'm around. I'm going to stick to if she wants to seperate then she goes and I will do this without being nasty, its just so frustrating because we keep going around in circles. She has shut down, so I'm jumping through all the hoops and walking on egg shells but getting nothing in return ( says she cant give me what I need, as I asked for a little affection ) CANT - just doesnt want to I think. Not once has anyone asked what I want or what I need or if I'm ok. We have been together for 18 years, its a long time with not much time or space to herself and she has had enough and whants it to change. I want it to change as well, but not hurt our kids in the process by someone moving out. Hope that answered your questions.
PS there is a bit more detail in my first post.


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## danniecrain

Brewster 59 said:


> :iagree: totally spot on, make her be the one to leave and explain to the kids but also convey that you are willing to work on improving the marriage. Usually I need space line is not good it rates right up there with I love you but Im not in love with you, and, Its not you its me.


Yep got that one too!!


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## danniecrain

anx said:


> My wife needed space to reconnect. My MC story is in my profile. We separated for 2 months after being in counseling for 8.
> 
> Its not ideal, but its not terrible.


My story is a little different I guess, my wife has gone from school, me, losing her dad, marriage, mother, housekeeper, losing her mum with no family left. Ive always been there and maybe if I'm not she might see that she still does need and want me around, she just wants change. The list you have posted is very helpfull and have tried some already but havent stuck to it as yet, but will try. Thankyou.:smthumbup:


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## NightEagle1981

I'm sort of in the same situation. My wife told me she thought a separation was a good idea. I said no it's not the answer she said she needed to find herself as well as get her partying out of her system. I wouldn't up and move either. I'm not living at home and can't go home under underlying circumstances but I will be moving home once this stuff is squared away and she's going to be the one who moves. Hope for the best remember things alway's work out in the end.


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## Runs like Dog

Ozzie, she wants space send her out back for a year.


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## Wrench

I'm in a similar situation with my wife of 16 yrs, I've been trying this 180 way of acting and I'm getting good results.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...180-support-thread-how-many-us-same-boat.html

It took a week before she would talk about what she was doing to our family and another week before she would talk about how complicated it would be to raise our kids seperatly. We might still split once we move home in 8 months but the "I need space" talk has been replaced by dealing with reality.

It's hard to follow the 180 guidelines but it works in situations like ours.

Cheers :toast:


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## Amplexor

danniecrain said:


> Yep I put that to her last night, did it the wrong way though I was angry and a little nasty at the time, so we really didnt discuss it through, but she got the idea.


Glad you recognize that. It needs to be done in a very business like manner. Read Dobson's "Love Must be Tough" to learn how to deal with a retreating spouse. In short be open to her, be courteous but some what aloof. Let her know you are willing to work on the marriage even if she isn't and if it doesn't work out you'll be fine. Don't pursue her, don't appear needy, be in control of yourself. The book did me wonders.


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## danniecrain

Wrench said:


> I'm in a similar situation with my wife of 16 yrs, I've been trying this 180 way of acting and I'm getting good results.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...180-support-thread-how-many-us-same-boat.html
> 
> It took a week before she would talk about what she was doing to our family and another week before she would talk about how complicated it would be to raise our kids seperatly. We might still split once we move home in 8 months but the "I need space" talk has been replaced by dealing with reality.
> 
> It's hard to follow the 180 guidelines but it works in situations like ours.
> 
> Cheers :toast:


:iagree:
Had a read and have been trying it for about 3 or 4 days now, Yes its tough to do but I'm hanging in there. I find myself in a converstation with her and start talking heaps, asking questions, like I use too then I will just change the subject and walk away like I dont care what she is talking about. Its hard not to care and want to do things for her but I will stick with it because I have seen some signs of change in her. We are now pretty much seperated but I havent moved out of the house or the bed only because we havent sat down to discuss our options and rules of the seperation as yet (No. 20# letting her discuss things about our marriage). 
Thank you for your input. I hope this works and even if it dosent I think it is helping me.


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## Lady in TX

I can understand your wife as i am in the same situation. I am just no longer in love with my husband. Not due to anything he has done, we are just 2 different people now. I envy your wife for having the strength to be truthful with you, moving on after a long relationship/marriage is scary.


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## danniecrain

Lady in TX said:


> I can understand your wife as i am in the same situation. I am just no longer in love with my husband. Not due to anything he has done, we are just 2 different people now. I envy your wife for having the strength to be truthful with you, moving on after a long relationship/marriage is scary.


I understand that, but wouldnt you try and work it out first, wouldnt you try everything you can think of to rekindle that love. It was there once, maybe it still is there, maybe just burried, you wont know unless you try.
BTW my wife says she still loves me just not in that way because the attraction has gone and she wants that to return and now wants a trial seperation to see if missing me will work for her! It kill me to be away from the kids, but dont think there is much choice left.
Having been through all this My only suggestion to you is dont give up until u have tried everything, show your husband that you have tried everything, because if later down the track you realise it was a mistake, it may be too late!!
GOOD LUCK


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## danniecrain

danniecrain said:


> :iagree:
> Had a read and have been trying it for about 3 or 4 days now, Yes its tough to do but I'm hanging in there. I find myself in a converstation with her and start talking heaps, asking questions, like I use too then I will just change the subject and walk away like I dont care what she is talking about. Its hard not to care and want to do things for her but I will stick with it because I have seen some signs of change in her. We are now pretty much seperated but I havent moved out of the house or the bed only because we havent sat down to discuss our options and rules of the seperation as yet (No. 20# letting her discuss things about our marriage).
> Thank you for your input. I hope this works and even if it dosent I think it is helping me.


I suck at this 180 stuff, its a real struggle for me. :scratchhead:


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