# So lost right now...



## photoguymiami (Oct 10, 2011)

Hi all... kind of feel funny airing this to perfect strangers, but maybe some objective advice is a good thing.

So here's our story. 

I met my wife when I was 17 and she was 15. We were reckless kids, and got into a sexual relationship the day of our first date. We dated for about 6 months and she ended up cheating on me with an ex (her first). I took it very hard, but being more mature (I guess) wrote it off to age and I forgave her... we moved on. It took me a long time to get over that... actually don't know if I ever completely did, but never the less we did move on. Fast forward to our 9 year mark... we had a lot of fun, lot of passion, lot of well... normal relationship stuff... she wen't through collage (locally) got her BA went to work, everything was normal. After dating for 9 years, we got married. Had a wonderful ceremony, wonderful honeymoon... you get the picture, we've now been married for 7 years. So we've been together for 16 and living together for about 15 of them. We have a wonderful nearly 3 year old son who we both adore. Over the past several months maybe even the past year, she's drifted away a bit... and recently about a month ago, told me that she no longer loves me. The spark is gone. She doesn't know why, can't explain it... there is no one else in the picture (according to her). It's just gone. She said it happened gradually but she can't pin point when it started. She's not a great communicator so I'm not surprised that she didn't tell me, plus she said, she was hoping that maybe it was a mood thing and it would come back. In any case, she said she's willing to work on it. Swears up and down that there is not another love interest, and has agreed to go to counseling. To my direct question: "Do you want to love me again?" her answer is a resounding "YES", but right now as it stands she does not and doesn't know why. We don't really have any major financial problems, or any of the other common "Divorce symptoms". Can some one just fall out of love? Could this be something hormonal with her? Depression? Any insight is very much appreciated. We'll be starting counseling next week.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

step one is to verify if she has been having an affair- at the very least to rule it out (cheaters lie, so her telling you "there's no one else" isn't the best way to verify this)


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## Whattheheck (Oct 10, 2011)

Oh my god.

This is my current situation and i can't tell you how much i was in your position rather than mine. Your wife says she is willing to work on it and that she wants to love you again. My wife says she doesn't.

Pal, go to counselling together, talk it through and just be open and honest with each other. I read a book(too late) called Mars and Venus(John Gray i think) and realised how thick i was about relationships and what women want, maybe you can grab something from that but i can tell you now you are lucky man that you wife wants to change, because when they don't, like me, theres not much you can do...and i'm devastated.

So be positive, chin up, you've got it all to play for. The counselling will be revelaing and in the meantime dont get frustrated, listen to her, and don't take anything she says personally...she's probably just as confused as you.

Good luck.


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## photoguymiami (Oct 10, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> step one is to verify if she has been having an affair- at the very least to rule it out (cheaters lie, so her telling you "there's no one else" isn't the best way to verify this)


Hey Almostrecovered... thanks for the input, but I have to believe that she's not. Our relationship has been a very close one. We pretty much spend all of our free time together, so if she's cheating, it's emotionally, not physically.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

photoguymiami said:


> Hey Almostrecovered... thanks for the input, but I have to believe that she's not. Our relationship has been a very close one. We pretty much spend all of our free time together, so if she's cheating, it's emotionally, not physically.


most of us who got cheated on say the same thing usually


look, Im not saying she is certainly cheating, but it's a possibility given the ILBINILWY speech. Thus if you want to try to work on things, you can't get anything done while she is in an affair (including emotional). I'm just saying you will be spinning your wheels if you don't rule it out.


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## photoguymiami (Oct 10, 2011)

Whattheheck said:


> Oh my god.
> 
> This is my current situation and i can't tell you how much i was in your position rather than mine. Your wife says she is willing to work on it and that she wants to love you again. My wife says she doesn't.
> 
> ...


Hey Whattheheck... thanks for the post. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. I do have a glimmer of hope since she is willing to work on it. I'm just hurting and don't understand how this happens. I've read Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus and though I don't claim to be a relationship expert by any means, considering we've had a very healthy run for many years says a lot. I'm hoping that maybe this is a phyc. problem with her... maybe she's been slipping into a depression over the past while and maybe counseling will identify this and help her deal with and recover from this. The hardest thing about all of this has been keeping my cool. Not even raising my voice when we discuss these things and not really showing how much I'm hurt. Trying to function as if nothing is going on and not playing to my desires of calling her an F-ing ***** and just slamming the door. Keeping my anger in check has been hard, but showing it is so wildly counter productive and damaging and fact be told, she's not an F-ing *****... if anything, I guess I should be thankful to her for finally coming out and saying what she's feeling or not feeling and actually being willing to work on it. I just don't know if we'll make it through and come out as a couple. All though I do hope that we will. 

Ughhhh.... this sucks.


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## photoguymiami (Oct 10, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> most of us who got cheated on say the same thing usually
> 
> 
> look, Im not saying she is certainly cheating, but it's a possibility given the ILBINILWY speech. Thus if you want to try to work on things, you can't get anything done while she is in an affair (including emotional). I'm just saying you will be spinning your wheels if you don't rule it out.


Fair enough... but how do I verify this? We have joint bank accounts, joint credit cards... can't hire a PI without her knowing. What would you suggest?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

best bet is to install a keylogger, check phone records for large amounts of texts and/or calls, put a VAR under her car seat as waywards make their calls in the car usually

that should be enough unless you find something


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## photoguymiami (Oct 10, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> best bet is to install a keylogger, check phone records for large amounts of texts and/or calls, put a VAR under her car seat as waywards make their calls in the car usually
> 
> that should be enough unless you find something


She deletes her texts... she's always done that. She hates to have the long list of texts on the phone. Suspicious I know. As for a key logger... if it's anyone it's someone at work. She works in a secure building and there is no way i'm getting in there. What's a VAR?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Voice activated recorder, can get one for $30 at walmart


regardless of the deleted texts, you still should be able to see how often and to what number she is texting on the bill. What kind of phone?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

btw-a keylogger at home can still help. You can get her passords for facebook and emails and then be able to get into her accounts and search


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## photoguymiami (Oct 10, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Voice activated recorder, can get one for $30 at walmart
> 
> 
> regardless of the deleted texts, you still should be able to see how often and to what number she is texting on the bill. What kind of phone?


Samsung Vibrant


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## photoguymiami (Oct 10, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> btw-a keylogger at home can still help. You can get her passords for facebook and emails and then be able to get into her accounts and search


True. Will do.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

photoguymiami said:


> Samsung Vibrant



not familiar with that phone but google something like "recover deleted texts samsung vibrant"


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

btw- any other red flags showing up?

1) is she protective over her phone? has a passcode, takes it with her everywhere including when she showers? Does she seem to be doing something and when you approach, she suddenly shuts it down?

2) has she recently changed her appearance? has she bought new undies, new haircut, wear more perfume or makeup than normal, lost weight, started new shaving habits, etc?

3) Is she spending a lot of time out with friends or on the computer? does she find excuses to get out of the house or be online, spend time with work buddies after work hours?

4) how is your sex life? what is the frequency, is it satisfying, etc?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

photoguymiami said:


> She deletes her texts


She deletes the text, but the phone bill logs all phone numbers incoming and outgoing on her phone. Look at the bill to see if there are 1 or 2 numbers (aside from yours) that she texts/calls alot.


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## photoguymiami (Oct 10, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> btw- any other red flags showing up?
> 
> 1) is she protective over her phone? has a passcode, takes it with her everywhere including when she showers? Does she seem to be doing something and when you approach, she suddenly shuts it down?
> 
> ...


No changes like that. We've both lost weight, but that's because we've both been working on it. As for sex life... well that's complicated. Since she's shared these feelings with me, it's really been only when we've had some drinks. She was never a very "sexual" person though... for the last several years it's been maybe 3-4 times a month... now it's the same but she has to be tipsy. Sober sex is gone and even if I force it, and she'll agree to it, she doesn't get aroused.


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## photoguymiami (Oct 10, 2011)

photoguymiami said:


> No changes like that. We've both lost weight, but that's because we've both been working on it. As for sex life... well that's complicated. Since she's shared these feelings with me, it's really been only when we've had some drinks. She was never a very "sexual" person though... for the last several years it's been maybe 3-4 times a month... now it's the same but she has to be tipsy. Sober sex is gone and even if I force it, and she'll agree to it, she doesn't get aroused.


This is why I'm thinking it might be depression or some other phyc. issue. She really can't explain the lack of feelings.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

certainly possible as you don't have affair red flags all over the place, but she's checked out of the marriage and that is certainly very troubling

rereading this thread I see that she does want to work on the marriage.

Thus I recommend this- 

keep the spying up for a short period to rule it out while at the same really start working on your marriage
some tips aside from finding a good MC

-spend more time together. Find at least 10-15 hours a week of doing things alone together. Find common hobbies and activities.
- both stop drinking
- start having more sex and being intimate, hold hands, give affectionate caresses, back rubs, etc
- start opening up about everything and be truthful to each other, don't be afraid to state your needs and encourage her to state hers


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