# The lying spouse



## mountains (Jul 13, 2012)

I posted before about my partner sending messages to people online. It has finally come to a head: I asked him about it again, this time I told him I KNOW it's true. 

I was very surprised that he continued to deny it. Then he essentially kicked me out. We have not seen each other or talked on the phone since Sat night but I have had contact with him via msging.

It's been very interesting to watch him go through the stages of grief: Denial, then shock, then pleading (or in his case more like self-loathing pleading telling me to hate him and I don't deserve him), then Reflection/Awareness and now, on his way to acceptance.

I am very sad but I had many months to deal with my emotions so I am not feeling anymore hurt, anger, guilt, etc. I'm just sad and I accepted the split when I left Saturday night. I've responded to every message he sent, pretty much just stating the same thing: You're not a bad person, you have some things you haven't dealt with, and yes you can face me / talk to me, I won't judge you. 

I also sent him a detailed letter that did not accuse him of anything and I waited until I was calm to write it so it pretty much is just like "listen, this is what's happened". Told him how I've known for months and how hard it was for me, etc. I think the letter helped him start to become aware of what actually happened and why it was wrong.

The reason I'm posting is because I am starting to get the feeling he will want to talk and maybe we will stay together. I have a ton of requirements for this, such as he will have to give me all his passwords and allow me to install monitoring software on his phone and computer, and so I don't think it will actually happen. However if it DOES happen, I'd love some advice. He didn't actually cheat, of that I am 99.99% certain. I saw one person with whom he dragged their chat out over a couple weeks, just rescheduling meetings over and over until they finally stopped replying to him. 

I have seen a contract that someone who has cheated signs with their spouse...but he hasn't cheated and it is dozens and dozens of people he has messaged so I would not make him send a letter to every one. 

Any suggestions on how I should handle it if he does end up wanting to talk it out and try again?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

So, you really have no idea if he has cheated or not (because he lies) At the very least, it sounds as though he crossed the line into "emotional affair" territory. Apparent he's lying and it's a big deal for you--as it should be.

Since he seems to be playing you and playing with your emotions, you probably need to stop having any contact with him for awhile. If he wants to make things right, he will come back. That's when the ball will be in your court.


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## mountains (Jul 13, 2012)

Nope, that's not what I said at all. He's not playing my emotions. I'm pretty content right now. The relationship is done.

But if he WANTS to talk, if he comes to me, then I'd like some advice. As I said I am essentially repeating the same thing over and over to him, he is not manipulating me or getting me into any conversations.

And yes, I'm not 100% sure if he cheated but I never believed he did anyway...there are several reasons for this that I don't feel like going into but one of the main ones is that I have kept very good watch of all his communication including a keylogger on pc and phone (I am much better with computers than he is)

I believe he did this as a self confidence thing but I'll only really know if we talk... but if we DO talk, I'm looking for advice on how to move forward because if he is honest with me I'm willing to move forward. Also I'll know if he's honest because I know WAY WAY more than he thinks I know. The only thing I really don't know is why. But regardless I will still make him tell me everything if he wants to talk so that I can see if he is actually being honest or not.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Well, since you're asking for advice. A person who did what you've described (particularly someone who is talking about self-loathing) is someone who needs an excellent individual counselor. Like the best you can find. And the kind of counselor I'd look for is one who is an expert with porn / sex addiction, because computer-based addictions are all at heart "point and click"-based. That is, he gets a high out of sending the message and then getting one back.

Someone like this can't really be trusted with a computer, I'm sorry to say. You think you can let him use a smartphone when his drug of choice is developing virtual relationships with strange women? I don't see any way on God's green earth that monitoring someone like that would ever be enough.

The self-loathing stuff is also a serious issue, because it translates into self-destructive behavior that intentionally alienates the people closest to them. On some level he disrespects you because you love him. He's mystified by why you stay around, and he pushes the envelope to see just what you'll tolerate before you'll prove to be a self-fulfilling prophecy by rejecting him.

If this is his real problem (and not just a charade for a narcissist), he hates himself so much that he thinks you're a fool for loving him at all. And the sad question is, why do you stay with someone like this, who has no love left over for you?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Sorry, I misinterpreted your first post just like 827aug did.


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## mountains (Jul 13, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> The self-loathing stuff is also a serious issue, because it translates into self-destructive behavior that intentionally alienates the people closest to them. On some level he disrespects you because you love him. He's mystified by why you stay around, and he pushes the envelope to see just what you'll tolerate before you'll prove to be a self-fulfilling prophecy by rejecting him.


Fantastic reply! He's had a really really hard year with a lot of losses and some betrayal by a couple of friends. So what you are saying hits the nail on the head...except it's more like he's regressing into this behaviour. Y'know, it's a well known place for him which makes it comfortable. It's the first time I've seen him like this since about February when everything happened. I think part of his panic and intense denial was because he didn't want to lose me too.

So all that being said, while you are right, I've seen the other person quite a bit more and he's worth it (actually I've seen this other person so much that I was in absolute utter shock when he denied it and told me to leave, totally opposite to what I expected to happen). Counseling actually is something I was wondering about, I didn't realize there were counselors who specialize in that but it makes a lot of sense there would be. 

Should I make him do a contract thing like with people that cheat? And what would it say...? Should I be making him tell anyone? I really don't know. 

Also I can monitor him successfully...I'm a computer programmer, I can do all kinds of stuff he has no idea about and he does not work on a computer so he has no work email, etc.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

mountains said:


> Should I make him do a contract thing like with people that cheat? And what would it say...? Should I be making him tell anyone? I really don't know.
> 
> Also I can monitor him successfully...I'm a computer programmer, I can do all kinds of stuff he has no idea about and he does not work on a computer so he has no work email, etc.


This is why I'd get him into specialized counseling. I imagine they have their methods of dealing with someone whose biggest issue is they can't handle the ubiquity of online connections. They probably would recommend that he go cold turkey and then have specific ways for him to be reintroduced to computers. Wish I could tell you more about that, but that's just a guess.


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