# Making big decisions a few weeks after DD



## Sestina (Nov 6, 2012)

Due to how the affair played out, everything about my town, my neighborhood, my home, etc., has become a trigger. 

An opportunity has come up where we could leave town and start over in another nearby town, and we have only a few days to decide before the opportunity will be gone. 

Is it a bad idea to make big decisions right now? I'm the BS, BTW, and we have young kids. We are in active and productive R.

Thanks.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How many weeks is a few weeks since DD?

Does this entail him moving his job?

Are you a SAHM or will you have to give up a job and get a new one.

What is the likelyhood of him running into the OW in your small town?

What other ways, besides getting away from things affair related are positive about this change?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Like dealing with the affair, trust your gut and listen to it.


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## Sestina (Nov 6, 2012)

It does not entail him moving his job, which is a downside for reasons I'll let you intuit. There is an exit plan for that, however. The move would delay it. 

I am currently doing the SAHM thing, but am working to change that.

Chances of him running into the OW in the new little town are slim to nil, but he would see her when he goes into the city.

I have a huge list of pros and cons, actually, and the pros outnumber the cons, but the cons feel very heavy. It's a tough decision, and difficult to lay out here without being super descriptive/specific/revealing in this public forum.

I guess I'm just wondering if it's even a good idea to be considering something so huge only 3w post-DD. 

I feel depressed and anxious and sort of cut off from my intuition these days, so it's hard to say what my gut tells me. :/

Thanks for the replies.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I cannot intuit why he would need to leave his job if the OW does not work there.

Since you do not share the pros and cons, all we can say is go with your gut. You will need to find a way to tap into it again.

Generally speaking, it's a very very bad idea to make huge decisions like moving to another town just a few weeks after some huge traumatic life event.

You say that you are in recovery... 3 weeks after DD is a bit soon to be saying that you are really in a recovery.

Which town offers you the best employment opportunities and changes to move on with your should this young recovery not work out?


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

If you move to the new small town where there are fewer triggers, you may be able to let go of the hurt more easily. However, if your WH is traveling away from the town to the city where OW happens to be, then his opportunities to continue cheating underground increase. Add to that your lessened vigilance because if being in a place with fewer triggers and you can easily slip into territory where you'll be at DDay 2 in no time -- especially if this move means protracted stay at the same job where OW is. If this was your WH's idea, I'd guess it's his plan to shove you out of the way so he can continue to cake-eat. If it is your idea, why would you want up make a change that is only a lateral move which allows more distance between the two of you for the OW to exploit. Are you considering leaving him for the cheating in the back of your mind? Think about this...you might forget the triggers, but instead of solving the problem, you're just shoving it aside where it can continue to grow. If she works with him, he should be quitting his job right about now, not planning a last hurrah at work while you're away on the sly....Just sayin'.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I have seen this sort of desire over the years in many post stress situations - the most common is where a spouse has died, or a divorce occured.

It isn't always the wrong thing to do, but in my experience if a decision is made too soon it is often regretted.

It is often the case that people are trying to escape unhappiness but early on that is closely tied into a locality in their minds, whereas moving simply means they are unhappy in somewhere unfamiliar.

My view is that you should wait at least 6 months before making such a change.


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## Sestina (Nov 6, 2012)

This is all very sobering and just what I was looking for. Thanks, everyone. 

I had said to my H that I was totally open to doing anything it took to keep us on track. I am concerned that now this has come up, I will likely have to say "let's wait" and he will be disappointed, saying I changed my mind and I'm not really open to doing anything it takes. It's stupid, because why should I care? But it's so soon after Dday and I vacillate between desperation and distance. So many emotions. Anyway, it's relevant because this move has always been a dream of his and I resisted.

It seems like the biggest priority would be to put the kids' needs first and get him out of daily exposure to the OW. I am 99.9% confident (of course you never know, you never really feel you can believe) it's over, but maybe I'm just asking for trouble if I let H see her (even just professionally) in the city every day while I'm trapped in a smaller town with fewer friends and career opportunities.

The pros/cons list I made has a long "pros" column and a shorter "cons" column, but the cons seem very weighty. I am trying to wrap my mind around the idea that even if we pass up this current opportunity, it doesn't mean moving to this other town is totally off the table forever. We can decide later when things are more stable, right? It's just hard being stuck in a trigger minefield. It's hard not to grapple for anything to give me some relief.


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## Sestina (Nov 6, 2012)

Made an extra appointment with the MC to talk about it. Thanks again, everyone.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

wait, why should you have to be open to whatever it takes, isnt he the one who cheated? He should be kissing your ass up and down for YOU to forgive him, not for you to be open to do whatever it takes. As far as the move goes, I really think its in your best interest to stay in your current home while dealing with this. A move might be too much for you to handle right now? What if it has a negative effect on you, you might regret it. Beseide, like some of the others have said, your husband will still be going downtown and around her while you will be basically stuck in a small town. I just dont see how a move helps your situation but I can absolutely see how it helps his. gl2u


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