# Alone



## peacefulHEART (Jul 12, 2016)

I'm starting a new thread b/c I've redirected my plan and now I'm starting a new life.

I don't have anyone to talk to and I really need support right now.

The lies just didn't stop. Dday was May 15. I've been going through hell and back since then. I'm so disgusted thinking that I even gave him a chance. He has too many secrets and way too many lies. He refuses to admit to anything or tell me anything. He said he had to work yesterday but he lied. I called his job. He swore up and down he was there. I told him to bring a print out of his hours tomorrow or don't come home.

He called after work today and said he couldn't get a print out so do I want him to come home. I said no.

He promised the kids he'd be home at 4 so I feel like he's tying to turn me into the bad guy. He knew he was lying and he knew he couldn't bring the print out. But, he's trying to make it seem like I didn't let him come home. 

I know it's over. I've faced that. I just need to get this pain out somehow. I hate how much I love this a-hole knowing how much he doesn't love me. How I believed in him for so many years. How I gave him so many years. How I should have seen this coming and I was so blind to the truth b/c I didn't want to think it was possible.

I know that's all in the past at this point, but it all still hurts.

I've been with him almost all of my adult years. I don't even know myself without him. I sound so pathetic right now.

I am so glad it's all over. I feel like I handled everything really well last night. I keep my composure. I didn't get upset. I put my foot down and even though my broken heart wanted to let it all go, my self respect and common sense wanted me to send him flying down the stairs.

This is the first night he's gone. Why is this so hard?

Thank God this is anonymous b/c I feel like I sound so weak and stupid. But I can't tell him any of this and I need to deal with these emotions somehow.




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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

We have your back.

Seriously, we do. 

We will be here for you.

The social spot is great for off topic fun.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

I've seen everyone in this forum rally together to help posters. 
You are not alone.
You did a huge brave thing by not letting him come home....hang in there. 
There are a number of posters who can offer you coping advice as they've been at the same spot as you. 
Listen to what they say and most importantly remember you are not alone. 


Sent from my iPhone


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## Cowboy2 (Nov 12, 2013)

Start doing activities you enjoy and making plans with good friends. The more areas of your life outside of this relationship the better. You got this, one day at a time.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

PeacefulH, hang in there. There will be times when you want to relent and call him and ask him to come back. This is the worst thing you could do, stick to your guns, he has used you and abused you and knew he could get away with it. When you feel your resolve is wavering, come on here instead and we will help you.

I know you are hurting and trying to keep it together for the kids, you need to have some local support too. Tell your family or closest friends what he has been doing to you, lean on them.
Get yourself counselling and take active steps to get a lawyer, find out your rights. 
Sometimes in taking these steps it will help you with the pain as you are making efforts to start a future.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

peacefulHEART said:


> I feel like I handled everything really well last night. I keep my composure. I didn't get upset. I put my foot down and even though my broken heart wanted to let it all go, my self respect and common sense wanted me to send him flying down the stairs.


Good for you!! I know how hard it is. I've done it. But every day will be a little easier. You can DO this.


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## Síocháin (Mar 11, 2016)

My STBXH left a little over a week ago. He moved out of the bedroom first and then a few weeks later moved out. It is tough. But, I was way past the point of no return and I decided to show myself some self-respect for the first time in a very long time. I don't know if he thought I would come begging but I didn't and please don't you do it either. I have no idea how I'm going to survive because he left me with a mess. But, that's ok. I will figure it out & you will too. So, hang in there. There are really good people on this forum, they have helped me and they will help you too.


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## peacefulHEART (Jul 12, 2016)

Thank you for the replies. He's already called twice asking to come home, but I know it's b/c he's uncomfortable being at his friends house and not b/c he wants to work on himself. 

It's about time he felt a little discomfort. 

I am sad he can't be who I want him to be, but I don't want who he is. 

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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He will continue pressuring you to let him come home. Don't do it. Not unless he's planning on showing you some very serious work -- immediately -- to get your marriage back on track. 

There are posters who start threads saying they threw their spouse out and then those posters disappear forever (or until the next time it happens). Why? Because they're too embarrassed to say they let their spouse back without the the hard work that's necessary being done. They caved to the pressure because they were too afraid of what their life would be like. They rug-swept. 

I hope you won't be one of them.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I forgot you aren't married to him. Are you financially protected where you live (common-law marriage -- or similar -- recognized)?

In your previous thread, IIRC, you wanted to save the relationship. Have you seen an attorney to see what your rights are in case of a split-up?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

It will get better. It takes time but one day you will realize how much better you life is. My mother started over at 55. Now 70, She will tell you this is the best time in her life right now.


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## peacefulHEART (Jul 12, 2016)

Openminded said:


> He will continue pressuring you to let him come home. Don't do it. Not unless he's planning on showing you some very serious work -- immediately -- to get your marriage back on track.
> 
> There are posters who start threads saying they threw their spouse out and then those posters disappear forever (or until the next time it happens). Why? Because they're too embarrassed to say they let their spouse back without the the hard work that's necessary being done. They caved to the pressure because they were too afraid of what their life would be like. They rug-swept.
> 
> I hope you won't be one of them.


I do have common law protection, but he doesn't have any assets. Best I can get is child support. 

I would be embarrassed to admit I let him back in. I haven't, but the advice I've been getting from my sister is to keep the peace until I build a safety net. That just b/c I let him come home doesn't mean I have to continue to tolerate his bs. That now my focus isn't on him and his lies or whereabouts, but on me building myself up. 

She said if I don't let him come home he could make things a lot harder given my circumstances. That just b/c he's in the house doesn't mean I let things go, just that I'm using it to get to the next step.

Is this wrong advice? I still haven't let him come home. He called again and I hung up on him.

I, honestly, don't know the best approach here. I know the relationship is over. What do I do now? If I let him come back and just go through the motions I could be dealing with him for at least 6 months. I needs to get a decent job and start saving money. I could do that without him. But what if he becomes jealous and spiteful and refuses to help with the kids. If he's here he'll help.

Yup, I'm wavering. But, I'm going off of what my sister has said. She's the only person I have to talk to.

I literally have zero friends and zero family so that means zero outside support.

Advice please. And trust me I've taken every piece of advice I've been given here completely to heart. It's not falling on deaf ears and every little bit of it has truly helped guide me. I could never put into words the way it has helped. That's why I keep coming back.

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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You have lots of friends here. Lots of friends.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Peace,

Before you do anything, get some legal advice from a qualified person wherever you live. You need to know your rights as far as the process goes.

Do not listen to relatives just because they are relatives. They do not have to live in your shoes with a cheater who refuses to stop, and sometimes they are only thinking of wanting to keep the kids and their relationship with them the same, even if that is not good for you.

It is very difficult to detach enough to accept what he is doing and live with it , but i guess if you have given him multiple chances you already know that.

The folks here I am sure will offer you as much support as possible.

Hang in there. People get through this **** but it takes time


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@peacefulHEART, 

I wanted to let you know that I'm reading some of your other threads so I understand your history and get some facts straight, but I'm also thinking of you and plan to write you a longer reply tomorrow--because it's the weekend, you know? :grin2:

Before I write a long reply I want to confirm a few facts:

You and your hubby about both in your early 30's
You have 3 children: 12yo, 3 1/2yo and 1yo
You have been a SAHM
He has been the "working" spouse
You two are common law married but not civilly married
You two have "been together" for 10 years

The first D-day was not too long ago--May, I think, right?
You have proof (via VAR) that he was committing adultery
Since then you've discovered more and more and more lies that he covered up ("past lies") 
AND he continues to lie about things going on currently ("present lies)
You caught him lying about going to work--you called work and he wasn't there--and you told him if he couldn't bring him a time card, don't bother coming home
He is currently "kicked out" at least temporarily.
He is calling all the time, making promises about changing, etc. 

Is all that correct? Have I missed any important facts?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

peacefulHEART said:


> I'm starting a new thread b/c I've redirected my plan and now I'm starting a new life.
> 
> I don't have anyone to talk to and I really need support right now.
> 
> ...


If this is weak and stupid, I'd hate to see what you consider strong and smart. Maybe in an action movie. :smthumbup:

As for your sisters advice, what's her experience with handling betrayal like this? Does she know what she's talking about, or is she advising you from ignorance?

Letting him come home while you align your ducks may be the right call, but if you do it's going to be a lot harder. I would avoid it if you can.


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## Sharonn (Jul 24, 2016)

babe u r not being weak. u r being strong and brave. to have given him so many chances in the past is solely because of the love you have for him. to forgive even though u might be hurt all over again is a sign of strength. all u hv done in the past is to put your family together and it's hard work when deep down you only know how deep it hurts. girl u r not pathetic at all. u r in fact a strong women who was brave enough to give it another try when you knew chances were slim. 

at least now you have no regrets and you have given it all you could have. surround yourself with people you love and keep yourself busy. there's always sunshine after the storm. you can do it and we are all here to support u. best of luck !


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How are you doing? Did he come home? It's ok if he did, this is pretty typical. We're here to support you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that your sis says for you to let him come back home so you can build a safety net. IN order to know if this is a good idea or not, I have some questions.

What safety net do you need to build? 

Does this mean that you have no access to money right now? Does he control all the money?


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