# Something?, Nothing? or is it just me?



## SoxFan (Jun 9, 2012)

First, let me start this by admitting I’m a snooper. I have the passwords to my wife’s cell phone, Facebook and iPad. We have never typically shared each other’s passwords for no other reason than we have never really discussed it or had a reason to. I’m not proud of snooping but I do it. I have no real reason to snoop other than I’m nosey and I know I have insecurity issues and I don’t know where they arise from.

That being said, I can provide some background to this current situation. Wife and I are in our late 50’s. Two kids, both out of house and on their own. Been married 35 years. We live approximately 4 hours by car away from the place where my wife grew up and she still has family there. My wife has a close female friend from high school that she stays in contact with. Last weekend this friend and her husband were going to be passing through the area we live enroute to a family gathering about three hours further west of us. The woman texted my wife a week or so ago to suggest we find some time to meet them to say hello. It was decided that due to the timing of their drive, meeting for breakfast Saturday morning would work out best. Friday evening the friend’s husband was texting my wife as to their timeline so we could have an idea of the time for breakfast.

The conversation went like this:

Mrs Sox: When you get off the highway the diner will be about a quarter of a mile down the road on the right.

Friends Husband: Sounds good. Looking forward to being graced by your presence. I’ll do my best to keep you updated.

Mrs. Sox: SoxFan will also be joining us.

Friends Husband: Damn. Now I’ll have to behave myself. (This was sent with a wink emoji and a thumbs up emoji)

There was no further response from my wife.

Later that morning:
Friend’s Husband: Good morning. We got a late start. Will keep you posted. We understand if this changes your plans.

Mrs Sox: Not a problem.

We met for breakfast later that morning and things went fine and they were on their way. 

On Sunday on their way home he sent her this:

Friend’s Husband: Thanks for the visit yesterday. Do you know what radio station carries the…. (local pro football team).

Mrs. Sox: Yes it’s….. (Provides station information). Next time we will have to visit longer.
That was the extent of the conversation.

My wife had also sent him a text a few months ago as he was recovering from a bit of a tricky medical issue:

Mrs Sox: How’s the patient

Friend’s Husband: Doing better, Thanks for asking.

I’ll also add that at the same time my wife sent his wife a text saying: 

Mrs. Sox: Just texted your other half to see how he is doing. 

Wife’s Response: Yes, I know. I think we are both answering you at the same time.

So basically, other than the Friday evening/Saturday morning conversation, nothing inappropriate in these other text exchanges. 

We visit my wife’s family as much as we can and I do remember that about a year or so ago while we were visiting we met this couple for dinner and his greeting to my wife was “Hi, beautiful, long time no see” This was said in front of the four of us and I remember it bothering me a bit as it felt to me like an inappropriate comment to say. There are also a few times a year when my wife will visit her family and I am unable to join her. She will try to make plans to meet her friend and the husband seems to invite himself along. If it were me I’d let the two high school friends have their time to catch up without me being involved. So there is really only a few times a year where any interaction with him can take place with me not present but I’ve become uncomfortable with the situation. I have known this couple for some years now and I always thought the husband was an OK guy ( the "Hi beautiful" remark was the first time I remember having any issues with him). We had even had some superficial discussions about vacationing with them but I don’t know if I would be interested in doing that now as I would probably be waiting to react to anything I think out of line. 

Part of me thinks I’m overreacting due to my insecurity issues and I need to own that and try to fix it but I also know that, personally, I would not make those “Hi beautiful” or “Now, I’ll have to behave myself” type comments to someone else’s wife. I don’t see my wife reacting to any of this or encouraging it from what I can tell. I’d like to tell my wife I think this guy is a bit of a flirt and I’m not happy about some of his actions but I can’t bring up the fact that I know about the comments due to my finding out about them by hacking her text messages so I’m sort of in a quandary as to any next steps or if there are even any next steps necessary. 

Any thoughts would be appreciated.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

first, let me just say that you're right, you are snoopy.
in my opinion, it's not a good idea to snoop, unless you have external reasons to do so, such as suspicious behavior or obvious flirting
between the two, ect.

having said that, now about your situation.

1. this guy definitely has a crush on your wife, and is an inappropriate guy. period. a real jerk.
2. your wife may enjoy the flattery, but for the moment she gives no indication that she is returning the flirting.
she probably just likes the flattery, but not taking him seriously.
3. don't do anything right now. except maybe try to keep these two apart. discourage any private meetings with this guy, or go with your wife 
if he's going to be there. just try to forget about it and IFFFFF your wife's behavior changes and she goes cold on you, then it's time to turn on the radar.

last comment: how is your relationship with your wife? how's your love life? has anything changed between you two in last few weeks/months?


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

I will be in the camp that there should be very limited privacy in marriage. Either you two are ONE, or you are NONE...

That being said, clandestine snooping builds resentment and suspicion. Not healthy at all...You should BE able to discuss EVERYTHING with your spouse including your feelings concerning the "state of the marriage". That right there is called....Wait for it.....TRUST. In a loving relationship trust and loyalty is paramount. 


But....My wife and I have each others' passwords and accounts since we were dating....And, you guessed it. I got to experience the guy call her phone drunk in the middle of the night, expressing lamantations and regret she wasn't with him on her birthday...

And here I am on TAM...lol

So, nothing is a given being that we are all flawed human beings. But I do not see your wife actively "hiding" this friendship and I also don't see her minimizing the contact they have or had while you were not present. Walk softly but carry a big stick. Trust but verify.

Maybe you would be up to reading the book "Not just friends"...It's mentioned here on the site mulitple times.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Well first it sounds to me like your wife isn't participating in any back and forth flirting in secret with the guy so I don't think you have reason to be concerned about her. As for the guy, unless this couple is swingers, he's making these comments in front of his wife so it must just be his personality. I have friends who would great my wife in this way, these would more be friends we are pretty close to. 

I guess my question for you is where do your insecurities come from. You were obviously snooping for a reason, what is that reason. Have you had issues in past relationships.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Yes. you are overreacting.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Is there any history of your wife being unfaithful? 

If there's not, it's likely your wife is aware that this guy is a bit of a flirt and has chosen to largely ignore that behavior. On the whole, their conversations - as you've provided them to us - seem pretty harmless, even if he is a little flirty. And she seems to be ignoring him when he behaves that way. It's possible she doesn't want to encourage him, but also doesn't want to cause a scene that would embarrass her friend, and possibly damage their long friendship, by calling him out on being a bit inappropriate. It might make you more comfortable if she said something to him or didn't text with him directly. And those are things you might want to discuss with her going forward. But unless you want to try and forbid the friendship between your wife and her friend, keeping him from trying to flirt with your wife from time to time might be nearly impossible. 

A better tact might be to mate-guard a bit in a confident and socially-acceptable manner. Go with her on her visits to her friend and keep Mr. Flirty occupied while the ladies have their visit. If he greets her with "Hey, Beautiful" smile and say "She is, isn't she?!? But watch it, buddy, she's all mine!" with a huge smile and broad wink as you sweep your wife into a kiss. In other words, be more attentive and a bigger flirt towards your wife than he is. 

But, do be aware that if you only behave that way when he's around, you'll come off to your wife as a jealous nut. So, maybe flirt with your wife the rest of the time too. That way, she'll feel flattered and complemented by you and won't be tempted to look for attention elsewhere. And you'll be too busy enjoying your relationship with your wife to comb through her innocuous texts looking for hidden meaning that feeds your insecurities.


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

It looks like she knows he's a flirt and she shuts him down at every flirty comment. I view her non-engagement and not responding to his comments as shutting him down. She probably puts up with him just so she can maintain the friendship with her friend.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This is nothing, you need to chill out.


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## Dusk (Oct 29, 2018)

You need to stop reading your wife’s private messages without her permission. That is absolutely not ok.

And those messages are nothing except someone being a bit flirty. 

If I found out my husband was going through my phone reading messages with my friends I would be furious. I would probably leave him. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

You are fine reading her stuff. IMO, in marriage the only place that is off limits to the other spouse is the bathroom, when one is using the toilet.

The "friend" is definitely flirting. Your wife seems to not be responding back.

She doesn't seem to be stepping out in the marriage, so why don't you give her some space, and stop reading her phone messages?

At the same time, keep an eagle eye out whenever the two of you are around this guy so you can head him off at the pass the next time he slips up and flirts in front of you. If he never gives an indication of flirting in front of you, that is a red flag that he is a predator, testing your wife. 

If that is the case, let the friendship die. Why be friends with a creep?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

It is troubling that your W is being flirted with and she is not telling you. 

Divorce is expensive so snooping as an early warning system is not a bad idea.

If the guy continues to flirt perhaps hire a PI to see what else he is doing gather, the evidence then bust him to his wife.

Guys like that are good at camouflaging their intent with humor or good naturedness etc.

Tamat


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

I think the guy is fishing. I think as a courtesy your wife should let you know, but she probably just disregards it.


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## SoxFan (Jun 9, 2012)

Thanks for the feedback. My relationship with my wife is fine. Rarely any issues, still do regular date nights and enjoy each other's company. Never any history of infidelity or anything close.

I know my wife would not want to jeopardize her relationship with this woman. Although there are responses here that are of the opinion this is somewhat harmless and I'm overreacting I still think I want to find an opportunity to let my wife know that I think this guy is a bit flirty and I'm not happy about it. I won't bring it up but the next time there is a mention of this couple I will find a way to let my feelings known.

As I said, there is usually only about 2-3 times per year, if that, that my wife will travel home to see her family without me so interactions that could happen without me there will be rare but I still think it worth while for me to a least express to her how I feel.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

It's your wife's close friend which makes it awkward for her. She's doing the right thing, not responding to the flirtatious text which is essentially a non-confrontational way of shooting him down. He must have got the hint because he didn't write anything flirtatious when he asked about the sports station.

She risks causing a problem if she says something about it either to him, or her friend, because the response is likely to be denial and something of the order of, I/he "was just kidding...geesh".

I think you have nothing to worry about.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

Nothing.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I too think you're overreacting. Your wife is likely managing this situation the best way she can, so as to not cause problems in her decades long friendship. She is ignoring his flirtation and not encouraging him in any way.

I wouldn't care if my husband read my messages, but I would be hurt if he felt he needed to. 

Don't look for trouble where there is none OP.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

You are overreacting. Your wife has this under control.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

I can totally relate to your insecurities. This is more like advice for myself and you. The advice is stop looking for something that is not there. If she gives you a REAL reason to look then look, until then do not. Try to live under the belief that if your wife cheated on you it would be her loss, as hard as that may be.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

SoxFan said:


> Thanks for the feedback. My relationship with my wife is fine. Rarely any issues, still do regular date nights and enjoy each other's company. Never any history of infidelity or anything close.
> 
> I know my wife would not want to jeopardize her relationship with this woman. Although there are responses here that are of the opinion this is somewhat harmless and I'm overreacting I still think I want to find an opportunity to let my wife know that I think this guy is a bit flirty and I'm not happy about it. I won't bring it up but the next time there is a mention of this couple I will find a way to let my feelings known.
> 
> As I said, there *is usually only about 2-3 times per year, if that,* that my wife will travel home to see her family without me so interactions that could happen without me there will be rare but I still think it worth while for me to a least express to her how I feel.


All it would take is once, for your wife to drink a little too much, or have a weak moment, and your marriage would be ruined.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

A lot of women, my W included, learn to handle guys hitting on them since they were 14. I don't see a problem here. There are guys who compliment ( or hit on ) any female over 12, just for the exercise.


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

My ex husband had a very flirty, over-the-top, personality. It is just how some people are. The friend's husband probably thinks he is witty, and the life of the party. His comment “Hi, beautiful, long time no see” is no big deal. I have friends who say "Hello gorgeous!" when they see me. My husband has never cared, because as far as he's concerned I am his gorgeous. He takes comments like that as flattery, not a threat to his manhood. Try to take it as a compliment, and not as someone trying to hit on your wife. Obviously she isn't interested, so ease up on the insecurity; it's unattractive. 

Don't snoop. Your wife is allowed some privacy, she has earned it over the years. You trust her, so act like you do!


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## David Darling (Oct 22, 2016)

Araucaria said:


> All it would take is once, for your wife to drink a little too much, or have a weak moment, and your marriage would be ruined.


Well, that might be true for all of us. But you can't go around fearing (or policing) her family visits. There has to be trust.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Araucaria said:


> You are fine reading her stuff. IMO, in marriage the only place that is off limits to the other spouse is the bathroom, when one is using the toilet.


OP, this opinion is popular with those who have already been betrayed by their cheating spouses and transparency is now expected from the cheater. But that is NOT the case with you and your wife.

There's a huge difference between *privacy* and *secrecy*. Cheaters do things in secret and therefore, forfeit their right to the expectation of common privacy. Your wife did NOTHING in secret and has shown this couple and you nothing but respect. Thinking that you have a right to just go through her stuff simply because you married her - because *YOU* have issues - says a lot about you, and none of it good.

Your wife deserves the respect of common privacy unless she forfeits that expectation by engaging in secret and shady behavior - which she has not done at all. So far, all systems seem to be a go.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Araucaria said:
> 
> 
> > You are fine reading her stuff. IMO, in marriage the only place that is off limits to the other spouse is the bathroom, when one is using the toilet.
> ...


 Exactly this period this whole idea of fear over friendliness is an outlier unhealthy side effect of having been betrayed. It is not the norm. So I hope the OP doesnt go down this rabbit hole.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Your wife has done nothing wrong here.
Your wife goes to see her high school friend.
not her husband. Did you ever think his flirting,
behavior bothers her. Probably does since he is 
doing it in front of her longtime friend. She is not
going to say anything because that would hurt 
her friend. She may feel bad for her friend to.

If you say anything to your wife understand the
hornets nest you will be creating. Your wife will
see your snooping as spying. Your wife will see 
your insecurities, and feel you don't trust her. 
Her high school friendship will be affected, maybe
lost. Maybe her friends marriage as well. Don;t do
it !! Keep an eye on this guy, if he gets really out
of line see how your wife reacts to it. I think so far 
she is handling it. No responses to his actions.

Unless something changes in your marriage, or you 
have proof don;t do anything. You will probably keep
snooping, but nothing else. If you think about it I
don;t think you want to go there.


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## fotf17 (Sep 25, 2017)

He's fishing, doesn't sound like she's biting


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

fotf17 said:


> He's fishing, doesn't sound like she's biting


Honestly it sounds to me like silly banter from a long time friend.... but agree, if he IS fishing, she isn't biting lol


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Araucaria said:


> All it would take is once, for your wife to drink a little too much, or have a weak moment, and your marriage would be ruined.


I think people might be a little too suspicious of this guy. His Hey beautiful comment is pretty innocent and is a common manner of speech between friends for a lot of people. The well I'll have to behave myself is more of an awkward thing to say which is probably a result of this guy thinking he is better friends with the OPs wife than he is. We have friends with whom joking around in this way would not be out of the norm. He would have to be a special kind of high level scum bag to acctually be hitting on a friend of his wife in the open in front of his wife. It's much more likely he's just goofy. 

Now if you want to be especially paranoid maybe this friend and the OPs wife use to have some bisexual fun way back in the day and now the wife and husband are swingers trying to groom her for a threesome. 
@SoxFan, If you I think I would approach your discomfort with this guy simply. Next time the couple comes up in conversation simply state you think he is a bit odd and flirty and you wonder if her friend ever has a problem with it. Don't approach it in a way that makes you seem insecure even though you might be a little.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I was betrayed several years ago, and it hurt like hell.

But....honestly, what a sad and pathetic life it must be to live as though every text has subtext and every friendly interaction is one smile or glass of wine away from a full-blown affair?

It;s a chosen mindset. What exactly IS the secondary gain of such a dark outlook??????


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

David Darling said:


> Well, that might be true for all of us. But you can't go around fearing (or policing) her family visits. There has to be trust.


I don't know how many times I've read about a spouse who found out, after years of being friends with someone, that the red flags they had ignored were real. It is like walking next to a lion and then being surprised it attacked.

*ETA: To SoxFan:*

If you and your wife like to court danger that is perfectly fine. But don't be surprised if the "friend" eventually penetrates her (no pun intended) strong exterior.

It is weird that in all those texts, your wife's friend is not texting your wife, her husband is. Why is your wife's friend not texting your wife in all those instances??

It sounds like all of you have poor boundaries. The wife's friend, husband, your wife, and you. If my husband regularly insisted on texting my friend instead of letting me do it, I'd be bothered. I'd tell him, "Hey. you text SoxFan and let me text my friend, Mrs. SoxFan."

It is all about boundaries. Poor boundaries breeds issues. You came here because of your poor boundaries (snooping behind your wife's back) which caused you to ask about your wife and her friend's husband's poor boundaries.

At some point, if I were your wife, i would have texted, "Hey, is my friend with you? Let me text her." I could care less if I offend a man when he is behaving inappropriately. Since my husband isn't a cuckold, he appreciates me enforcing my personal boundaries if a man is crossing them.

*ETA:* Other stuff deleted because I confused David Darling's post as being written by SoxFan.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> I was betrayed several years ago, and it hurt like hell.
> 
> But....honestly, what a sad and pathetic life it must be to live as though every text has subtext and every friendly interaction is one smile or glass of wine away from a full-blown affair?
> 
> It;s a chosen mindset. *What exactly IS the secondary gain of such a dark outlook??????*


 I would guess for most it's catching something before they are duped or played the **** and the fool. It also can have an addiction to it. One may feel after checking and finding nothing that they HAD to have missed something and are going to keep checking UNTIL they find something. BTDT. It's a matter of your gut being right (there is a little something) but it was not as egregious as your gut had thought. That being said going the opposite direction and putting your head in the sand, ignoring your gut instinct, can be just as dangerous. There are grey areas to all of this. It doesn't have to be black or white (which is how my mind works).


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## SoxFan (Jun 9, 2012)

Araucaria said:


> I don't know how many times I've read about a spouse who found out, after years of being friends with someone, that the red flags they had ignored were real. It is like walking next to a lion and then being surprised it attacked.
> 
> If you and your wife like to court danger that is perfectly fine. But don't be surprised if he eventually penetrates her (no pun intended) strong exterior.
> 
> ...


Just to clarify.....I never made the statement about "you can't go around policing her family visits. There has to be trust." That was another poster.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Rubix Cubed said:


> I would guess for most it's catching something before they are duped or played the **** and the fool. It also can have an addiction to it. One may feel after checking and finding nothing that they HAD to have missed something and are going to keep checking UNTIL they find something. BTDT. It's a matter of your gut being right (there is a little something) but it was not as egregious as your gut had thought. That being said going the opposite direction and putting your head in the sand, ignoring your gut instinct, can be just as dangerous. There are grey areas to all of this. It doesn't have to be black or white (which is how my mind works).


Gut instincts should always be given consideration, but there is also the problem of a self fulfilling side to it. Like in this situation, a guy snoops for no defined reason other than self professed insecurity issues. He finds a text with a weird comment which his wife didn't make or even acknowledge. The problem comes when you start letting your mind go down a rabbit whole and you start snooping all the time and questioning your wife and making her believe you don't trust her. She has never given you any reason to not trust her so she starts to get annoyed by your snooping which makes you more suspicious and you take it up a notch. Now your insecurities are in full view and that makes her start to resent you and start to feel differently towards you. 

So by not letting go after you have proven your unfounded suspicions to be unfounded you have put the relationship in a position to be at risk for cheating when it wasn't to begin with. 

Thats why whenever you have insecurity issues you should put as much or more effort into dealing with that as you do following the gut feelings you have caused by the insecurity. 

The odd thing with this thread is the original snooping which brought the OP here doesn't seem to even have a gut feeling involved other than insecurity that was never quite defined. Maybe theres some left out stuff, wife acting different, wife hiding the phone, taking calls in another room anything, doesn't appear to be anything.


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## SoxFan (Jun 9, 2012)

Ed3n said:


> My ex husband had a very flirty, over-the-top, personality. It is just how some people are. The friend's husband probably thinks he is witty, and the life of the party. His comment “Hi, beautiful, long time no see” is no big deal. I have friends who say "Hello gorgeous!" when they see me. My husband has never cared, because as far as he's concerned I am his gorgeous. He takes comments like that as flattery, not a threat to his manhood. Try to take it as a compliment, and not as someone trying to hit on your wife. Obviously she isn't interested, so ease up on the insecurity; it's unattractive.
> 
> Don't snoop. Your wife is allowed some privacy, she has earned it over the years. You trust her, so act like you do!


I get it. I have to do better in regard to the insecurity piece of things. As I said I need to own that and address it. I think I do take this as an affront to my manhood. I feel like this guy has no business speaking to my wife that way but it least it was in front of me at the time. The "Damn, I guess I'll have to behave" comment was just between him and her which annoys me. I understand that the prevailing opinion in the responses has been this is nothing, just silly banter etc., etc. I appreciate the comments and I can understand where everyone is coming from but I can't help the way I feel about it.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

SoxFan said:


> I appreciate the comments and I can understand where everyone is coming from but *I can't help the way I feel about it.*


You may not be able to help the way you feel but with the help of a good counselor you can definitely figure out the source of those feelings (you mentioned insecurities) and identify ways to self soothe when confronted with them.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

SoxFan said:


> I get it. I have to do better in regard to the insecurity piece of things. As I said I need to own that and address it. I think I do take this as an affront to my manhood. I feel like this guy has no business speaking to my wife that way but it least it was in front of me at the time. The "Damn, I guess I'll have to behave" comment was just between him and her which annoys me. I understand that the prevailing opinion in the responses has been this is nothing, just silly banter etc., etc. I appreciate the comments and I can understand where everyone is coming from but I can't help the way I feel about it.


It's important to remember, your issue is with this guy and not your wife. So don't allow your distrust of him mix with your insecurities and end up projecting your mistrust of him onto your wife. You'll have to find a way to discuss this with your wife at the appropriate time and in a way that doesn't in any way give her the sense you doubt her. These silly little things can fester in your head and play tricks on your mind.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's Option 3 (you). 

If you feel that you can't deal with this going forward then it's something you need to discuss with your wife so she understands it's your insecurities and not her.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

I consider OMs and potential OMs in a separate account from my W. Their actions are an affront to me and are dealt with independently of my W.

OMs being sociable? So why isn't he hugging the older or fat ladies, why kiss my W on the cheek, at the very least there is a sexist element to what these stealth OM do.

Sent the guys fiance a message about it, he confronted me, I told him that I keep a proper distance from his future wife who I find attractive. 

Tamat


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Potential OM....

Good lord


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Hhmph. Whole bunch of advice here and maybe I just missed it but nowhere did I see anyone refer to an old tried and true axiom, namely ..... "Trust your gut!"

In these matters if your gut is yammering at you, well, it's possibly being a lot smarter than your head.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

syhoybenden said:


> Hhmph. Whole bunch of advice here and maybe I just missed it but nowhere did I see anyone refer to an old tried and true axiom, namely ..... "Trust your gut!"
> 
> In these matters if your gut is yammering at you, well, it's possibly being a lot smarter than your head.


You have GOT to be kidding


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

It's Soxfan's gut, not yours. Nor mine.

I'm just saying.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

syhoybenden said:


> It's Soxfan's gut, not yours. Nor mine.
> 
> I'm just saying.


Did you READ the so called "evidence"? Or are you one of those.....


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## David Darling (Oct 22, 2016)

Araucaria said:


> I don't know how many times I've read about a spouse who found out, after years of being friends with someone, that the red flags they had ignored were real. It is like walking next to a lion and then being surprised it attacked.
> 
> If you and your wife like to court danger that is perfectly fine. But don't be surprised if he eventually penetrates her (no pun intended) strong exterior.
> 
> ...


Don't confuse me with the OP :surprise: 
I'm definitely in the camp that says:
1. Your partner deserves trust and privacy (until they prove it was misplaced)
2. You can't control other people (hard enough to control myself)
3. You can't live your life in fear (even though the world at times seems a scary place)​


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> Did you READ the so called "evidence"? Or are you one of those.....


those ..... persons who might have the audacity to not mirror you?

Evidently.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

SoxFan said:


> Just to clarify.....I never made the statement about "you can't go around policing her family visits. There has to be trust." That was another poster.


My mistake.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

syhoybenden said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > Did you READ the so called "evidence"? Or are you one of those.....
> ...


No, those people who see an affair in every interaction.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Could you just talk with your wife WITHOUT referring to your "snooping" and say "Hon, there is just something about that guy I don't trust -- he's too flirty with you, and while that may just be his way, I find it disrespectful to me. What do YOU think?" And see what she has to say about him...


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## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

IMO you are causing problems when there aren't any. Let it go. FYI unattractive when snooping for no reason


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## SoxFan (Jun 9, 2012)

jlg07 said:


> Could you just talk with your wife WITHOUT referring to your "snooping" and say "Hon, there is just something about that guy I don't trust -- he's too flirty with you, and while that may just be his way, I find it disrespectful to me. What do YOU think?" And see what she has to say about him...


I think that is a good tack to take. I want to get it out there to her that something about him is rubbing me the wrong way. Just to get my thoughts on the record. She's done nothing wrong and I agree that I need to do better in respecting her privacy, she's done nothing to warrant anything else at this point.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Most men will fish. Some more than others.

I've managed many people and various departments over the years. It's just a fact.

I think most women don't get that most men take being friendly as a sign. 

I don't see where there is anything on her part. You never know when a seed can sprout though do you.

I've seen affairs start with a Facebook connection, a text, etc. *it happens all the time.*

Speak with her. Let her know your concerns.


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## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

SoxFan said:


> I think that is a good tack to take. I want to get it out there to her that something about him is rubbing me the wrong way. Just to get my thoughts on the record. She's done nothing wrong and I agree that I need to do better in respecting her privacy, she's done nothing to warrant anything else at this point.


I think you are making an issue out of nothing. If she's done nothing wrong then what is the issue.


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## Dusk (Oct 29, 2018)

syhoybenden said:


> Hhmph. Whole bunch of advice here and maybe I just missed it but nowhere did I see anyone refer to an old tried and true axiom, namely ..... "Trust your gut!"
> 
> 
> 
> In these matters if your gut is yammering at you, well, it's possibly being a lot smarter than your head.




Except parts of your guts are full of ****


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Nothing is going on.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> Honestly it sounds to me like silly banter from a long time friend.... but agree, if he IS fishing, she isn't biting lol


I agree 1,000% that it sounds like friendly, joking banter from a longtime friend.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

syhoybenden said:


> Hhmph. Whole bunch of advice here and maybe I just missed it but nowhere did I see anyone refer to an old tried and true axiom, namely ..... "Trust your gut!"
> 
> In these matters if your gut is yammering at you, well, it's possibly being a lot smarter than your head.


I think most people haven't advised the OP to 'trust his gut' because he admits right in his first post that he has insecurity issues and has no idea where this insecurity came from - which implies his wife is *not *the cause of it. So his gut really isn't a good gauge by which to measure a particular situation because it will be somewhat influenced by unneeded insecurities.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

SoxFan said:


> I think that is a good tack to take. I want to get it out there to her that something about him is rubbing me the wrong way. Just to get my thoughts on the record. She's done nothing wrong and I agree that I need to do better in respecting her privacy, she's done nothing to warrant anything else at this point.


Communication is a must, it can be uncomfortable and messy sometimes but if you don't have open communication in a marriage you don't have a marriage. Just plan out how you do it as to not cause any unnecessary problems. For me I wouldn't care if my wife wanted to go through my phone I have her fingerprint setup to open it and I am set up on hers. Sometimes we have to check out contacts or look at texts for times that were discussed about events or kids carpools. 

Talk to your wife and get control of your insecurities. You'll be fine.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I think most people haven't advised the OP to 'trust his gut' because he admits right in his first post that he has insecurity issues and has no idea where this insecurity came from - which implies his wife is *not *the cause of it. So his gut really isn't a good gauge by which to measure a particular situation because it will be somewhat influenced by unneeded insecurities.


 True, but it also reminds me of the old saying "_Just because your paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get ya"_. 
It never hurts to be vigilant whether there is a fox sniffing around the henhouse or he was just passing by.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

OP, how have you decided to handle your newfound information?


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## SoxFan (Jun 9, 2012)

Araucaria said:


> OP, how have you decided to handle your newfound information?


Refer back to my last post as to my plan, if that is what you are asking.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@SoxFan, did you speak with your wife about this guy yet? IF so, what were her reactions?


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## SoxFan (Jun 9, 2012)

jlg07 said:


> @SoxFan, did you speak with your wife about this guy yet? IF so, what were her reactions?


No, not as of yet. I wanted to have the topic of this couple come up in a normal conversation so as not to make a big deal about it. I've thought a lot about what most of the replies were here that I was making too much of it all and although I still want to make my point I want to do it in as much of a low key way as possible.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Well don't let it fester until your imagination trumps your intuition. Right now your two brains are locked in a stalemate.

Get things out into the open so you can clear your head and know which way to go.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SoxFan said:


> Thanks for the feedback. My relationship with my wife is fine. Rarely any issues, still do regular date nights and enjoy each other's company. Never any history of infidelity or anything close.
> 
> I know my wife would not want to jeopardize her relationship with this woman. Although there are responses here that are of the opinion this is somewhat harmless and I'm overreacting I still think I want to find an opportunity to let my wife know that I think this guy is a bit flirty and I'm not happy about it. I won't bring it up but the next time there is a mention of this couple I will find a way to let my feelings known.
> 
> As I said, there is usually only about 2-3 times per year, if that, that my wife will travel home to see her family without me so interactions that could happen without me there will be rare but I still think it worth while for me to a least express to her how I feel.


In fact it is so superduper fine that you have ZERO trust in her, and have no faith in her whatsoever.

Right...


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## SoxFan (Jun 9, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> In fact it is so superduper fine that you have ZERO trust in her, and have no faith in her whatsoever.
> 
> Right...


That's quite a leap from the information that's been presented here.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SoxFan said:


> That's quite a leap from the information that's been presented here.


But that is *exactly* what your projected in your first post.



> First, let me start this by admitting I’m a snooper. I have the passwords to my wife’s cell phone, Facebook and iPad. We have never typically shared each other’s passwords for no other reason than we have never really discussed it or had a reason to. I’m not proud of snooping but I do it. I have no real reason to snoop other than I’m nosey and I know I have insecurity issues and I don’t know where they arise from.


You spy on your wife for no reason, and you admit that you have no excuse.

And the reason you give? It's because you are nosy.


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## SoxFan (Jun 9, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> But that is *exactly* what your projected in your first post.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


What's it is is your interpretation of what I "projected" and you are entitled to your opinion. I received some good advice here including seeking answers to my insecurity issues which I am going to follow up on.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@SoxFan, did you ever have the conversation with your wife?


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Lets not try to make the OP into a gulag lovin' red coat commie here...He probably has never had to deal with this kind of situation and needs FRIENDLY advice on how to proceed without making an ass of himself. ( AND he hasn't yet...) But, and it's a big but....There is a clear communication problem that he sees as possible warning light on his relationship.. I get it, we all get it. But it hardly warrants putting in GPS trackers and phone taggers. Jeebus! 

He's not spying when you casually look at a couple of convos on a SMS and say...Hmmmm

He's spying when he is rifling through underwear drawers, starting the spanish inquisition with the neighbors and becoming a belicose jerk to the wife....And he isn't. YET!

Is the family friend a little flirty? YUP. Is the family friend a dreamer and wants your wife's panties? Who knows! But their yours if you want them! Shore up YOUR relationship with the wife and start enjoying her partnership, not living in distrust and melancholy.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Waiting for the right time to keep the interaction very low key is a good plan. Make your feelings known with no big stink. Your wife hasn't done anything wrong.

Important: Don't let this build up in your head and it explodes when it comes out.


Another Option: Next time you see the guy, pull him ASIDE and tell him to knock it off.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

OP's wife was not playing along with the flirts from the guy...so nothing there to get alarmed about.

But why isn't she texting with her long time friend? If the friend has no phone, interactions through flirt-boy should be worded as coming from the friend, not her husband.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So, did you do anything about working on your low self esteem?


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## SoxFan (Jun 9, 2012)

So just wanted to provide an update and share some new information.

I never brought this subject up with my wife. As I had said I wanted to be able to just have this couple come up in normal conversation at some point and then I could bring up my thoughts about this guy being too flirty for my liking. I didn’t try to work them into any conversation and ended up just letting it lie and never discussed it. I had thought about mentioning vacation plans for this summer and I had a feeling she would bring their names up as traveling companions as we had vaguely thought about trying to potentially take a vacation with them over the years but never did. This would have given me an opening to discuss my thoughts on this guy but as I said I never pursued having the conversation so it hasn’t happened.

I’ve also been working on being less snoopy about things and had been doing pretty well but went back to my old ways. This morning I saw on Facebook messenger she got a message from this guy a few evenings ago. He sent her a meme (I think that’s what you call these things) from Facebook about funny things that parents and teachers say about school closings due to snow. My wife is a school teacher. She responded “Lol”. He writes back “Thought you’d like it. How are you doing you lovely, sexy ***** (he said with all due appreciation and appropriateness)” My wife has been home recovering from some minor surgery and he and his wife are aware of this. 

She responded with “Doing well” and them some information about her recovery and when she is expected to go back to work. She also asks him “How’s grandparenthood, can’t wait for mine” They became grandparents a few months ago and we should be by the end of this month. He then forwards some pics of their grandchild. The rest of the conversation is as follows:

Wife: What a cute baby. How’s the grandmother? She still hasn’t returned my call.
Friend’s Husband: She’s right here with no good excuse for not calling you. Go ahead and chew her out. She deserves it. Lol…
Wife: (Sends two kiss emoji’s) One for each of you.
Friend’s Husband: Thanks, same to you. (sends heart emoji)
End of conversation. 

Then either later that night or the next my wife’s friend calls and they have a 30 minute conversation catching up on baby news, grandparetning etc.

So I’m disappointed in myself that I went back to snooping but also pissed about the conversation with this guy. Who calls another man’s wife a “lovely, sexy *****” and thinks that’s appropriate?? Would his wife be happy to know that is how he is referring to her old high school friend?? Somehow I don’t think so. I need to implement my plan about discussing this guy with my wife but again; I’m embarrassed about snooping through her messages but I need to find some way to have this conversation.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Why didn't you just tell your wife how you felt, rather than letting this fester for over three months?

Is there a reason you are uncomfortable being direct with your wife? We bring up the phrase "passive aggressive" around here a lot. But in this case, it sounds like that is exactly what you are doing. In this case, yes, I think the guy was out of line calling your wife what he did. 

Again, why are you hesitating to just tell your wife?


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## SoxFan (Jun 9, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> Why didn't you just tell your wife how you felt, rather than letting this fester for over three months?
> 
> Is there a reason you are uncomfortable being direct with your wife? We bring up the phrase "passive aggressive" around here a lot. But in this case, it sounds like that is exactly what you are doing. In this case, yes, I think the guy was out of line calling your wife what he did.
> 
> Again, why are you hesitating to just tell your wife?


I know I should have brought this up three months ago. I'm uncomfortable being direct because the only way I can discuss what I've seen is to admit I've been spying on her texts and Facebook messages.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I think the guy is fishing. He is interested in your wife and by disguising his comments as simply flirtatious banter he gets away with it. He is hoping your wife will respond in the same tone but she seems to be not taking his bait all the way. I would bet a dollar he would jump at a chance to meet one on one with your wife.

The problem you have is your wife is going to be pissed if she fines out you have been snooping. I would wait until the next time you are all together and watch how the guy acts and what he says to your wife. Maybe then you can talk with her and point out how his attention is crossing boundaries.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

How well do you know this guy? Maybe tell him to cut it out. Your wife isn't doing anything wrong per say she probably doesn't want to hurt her friend, though it would be better if she forcefully shut this **** down. How are your wife's boundaries? 

Can you say in passing how you can tell he is into her, see what she says. If she asked why you think that can be vague about it, I can just tell something like that. Maybe she will open up about it and you can talk about it. 

Seriously dudes like this guy need to be smashed.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

As I mentioned before .... pull him aside and tell him to knock it off. He is the one being inappropriate and not your wife. 

Pick up the phone and call him.....simple as that. He isn't going to say anything to your wife or his. Call him out on it.

This will solve the issue and your wife will carry on never knowing you snooped on her. He does appear to be fishing

but your wife isn't taking the bait. 

We have a long time friend of my wife that I like to flirt with .... the difference is I would never take this tone with her in a private conversation or one
when my wife isn't around...


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

SoxFan said:


> I know I should have brought this up three months ago. I'm uncomfortable being direct because the only way I can discuss what I've seen is to admit I've been spying on her texts and Facebook messages.


Then it will continue, and, perhaps, escalate.

Your choice.


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## SoxFan (Jun 9, 2012)

I do want to clarify that my wife did tell me that her friend’s husband had messaged her earlier this week. She had mentioned it in the context of him telling her to give his wife a hard time about not returning her call from earlier in the week. It was something to the effect of “Dave told me I should give Kathy a hard time about her not returning my call” I didn’t really think more about it until I read the entirety of the Facebook messenger conversation this weekend. 

So I did bring it up last night when we were out to dinner. I simply said that I was thinking about you telling me Dave privately messaging you and I don’t like the idea and what was the purpose. She said he was only asking about her recovery from surgery and to tell her to give Kathy a hard time about not returning phone calls. I said that I get a vibe about this guy being too much of a flirt and I don’t like him contacting her like this. She looked dumbfounded and said “Really, seriously?” I said yes that I didn’t like it and I think he is a little too flirty with you. She just looked at me and we didn’t really say much more about it and we moved on to other topics but I think she got the message of how I feel about this guy. I know I didn’t come clean about my snooping on her messages and get to the crux of what was in the message but at least I got it out there that I’m not comfortable with this guy and if I bring anything up in the future she knows how I feel about him.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

SoxFan said:


> I said that I get a vibe about this guy being too much of a flirt and I don’t like him contacting her like this. She looked dumbfounded and said “Really, seriously?” I said yes that I didn’t like it and I think he is a little too flirty with you. She just looked at me and we didn’t really say much more about it


 Before it gets old, you need to immediately tell her that you were surprised that she did not acknowledge that this guy was flirty with her when you last spoke about it, and then look her in the eye and directly ask her “do you deny that he constantly flirts with you?” Ask the question and then stop talking until she answers, even if there is a long pause. No matter how she answers or does not answer, ask for her phone to look at the message he sent her. If she refuses or delete the message, tell her that this proves that she has something to hide in her relationship with him, and that you want her to cut contact with him unless the wife is involved. If she shows you the message, you now can discuss it openly.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

The only thing I have to add to TRY's message - TRY (  ) to do this non-confrontational manner.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

TRy said:


> Before it gets old, you need to immediately tell her that you were surprised that she did not acknowledge that this guy was flirty with her when you last spoke about it, and then look her in the eye and directly ask her “do you deny that he constantly flirts with you?” Ask the question and then stop talking until she answers, even if there is a long pause. No matter how she answers or does not answer, ask for her phone to look at the message he sent her. If she refuses or delete the message, tell her that this proves that she has something to hide in her relationship with him, and that you want her to cut contact with him unless the wife is involved. If she shows you the message, you now can discuss it openly.


Clearly she was stunned because it doesnt even register on her radar. Seems like a big deal about nothing, in my opinion.


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## SoxFan (Jun 9, 2012)

TRy said:


> Before it gets old, you need to immediately tell her that you were surprised that she did not acknowledge that this guy was flirty with her when you last spoke about it, and then look her in the eye and directly ask her “do you deny that he constantly flirts with you?” Ask the question and then stop talking until she answers, even if there is a long pause. No matter how she answers or does not answer, ask for her phone to look at the message he sent her. If she refuses or delete the message, tell her that this proves that she has something to hide in her relationship with him, and that you want her to cut contact with him unless the wife is involved. If she shows you the message, you now can discuss it openly.



I wish I had thought of this on Saturday night when we had the conversation. I would have liked to have discussed the actual message and its content and get her thoughts on the appropriateness of it. I know I got my point across about how I feel about this guy but being able to discuss the actual content of the message would have helped me prove my point. 

I was thinking of bringing it up again by saying that I’m still bothered by the fact that this guy was privately messaging her and how I think he’s a flirt and that I want to see exactly what he sent.


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## SoxFan (Jun 9, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> Clearly she was stunned because it doesnt even register on her radar. Seems like a big deal about nothing, in my opinion.



I appreciate your response. I think stunned is sort of the right word for my wife’s reaction when I brought this up so I really don’t know how much any of this registers with her. I could sort of see the “I’ll have to behave then” crack he made back in November as not too much of a big deal but to send her a message where he says “Thought you’d like it. How are you doing you lovely, sexy ***** (he said with all due appreciation and appropriateness)” is too much in my opinion. That’s really the crux of the matter I want to talk to her about.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Maybe wait a few days and say 'Can I look at your phone? I still don't feel good about this guy and I want to see what he's been saying.'


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

SoxFan said:


> I wish I had thought of this on Saturday night when we had the conversation. I would have liked to have discussed the actual message and its content and get her thoughts on the appropriateness of it. I know I got my point across about how I feel about this guy but being able to discuss the actual content of the message would have helped me prove my point.
> 
> I was thinking of bringing it up again by saying that I’m still bothered by the fact that this guy was privately messaging her and how I think he’s a flirt and that I want to see exactly what he sent.


Some guy calling my wife sexy over facebook messages... this would piss off any husband.

I would absolutely tell her you want to see the messages and I would tell her so in advance (like in a text while at work), so she has a little time, then let her show them to you. If anything has been deleted (including the older texts), you know there is more to it. But if she does delete, I wouldn't call her on it now, go dark and do more recon, and just say I guess it wasn't that bad.

All these people here saying that he shouldn't be looking and its nothing - come on, similar small red flags have led to inappropriate discoveries countless times on this site.

He is snooping because his gut says something is wrong, that is important. I wouldn't confront too much though, if she is hiding something, it will be very hard to find after that.

A life of snooping constantly, yea that sucks, but if you are looking because you feel weird about a situation and then you starting seeing red flags.... I would do the same.....


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Sox, it should be clear that there are no private messages in marriage. For example, my wife has access to my cell and anything I do online, and vice versa. Transparency! You are right! No man should be sending private messages to your wife, especially with the kind of content displayed. Be open. Tell her what you have found and ask for an explanation. I think she's getting kibbles from this guy.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Wife might have ignored the flirting because she failed to recognise it as flirting.

I would often flirt with female colleagues but I never used inappropriate language as that would have been wrong.

He is being wrong and he should stop.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Why the hell is he even the arbiter between your wife and her long time friend?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Thought you’d like it. How are you doing you lovely, sexy ***** (he said with all due appreciation and appropriateness)

This is way out of line. For your wife not to see this as such means she is either clueless or there is something more. Where does any man get off talking to another man's wife like this, esp when she is the friend of his own wife. This guy has major problems with boundaries.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

aine said:


> Thought you’d like it. How are you doing you lovely, sexy ***** (he said with all due appreciation and appropriateness)
> 
> This is way out of line. For your wife not to see this as such means *she is either clueless *or there is something more. Where does any man get off talking to another man's wife like this, esp when she is the friend of his own wife. This guy has major problems with boundaries.


Is she in general?


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## SoxFan (Jun 9, 2012)

turnera said:


> Maybe wait a few days and say 'Can I look at your phone? I still don't feel good about this guy and I want to see what he's been saying.'




We did discuss this last night. I said to my wife that I have something I want to get off my chest and it’s a continuation of the conversation we had on Saturday night about Dave. We sat down and I told her I was still uncomfortable with the fact that this guy was sending her messages on FB especially since I have my concerns about how flirtatious I think he is and I recounted the things he does that make me feel this way. I then told her I need to see exactly what he sent her in his message from last week.

She went and got her phone and pulled up the message. I said do you really think it’s appropriate for any man to message another man’s wife using the terms he did? She said, no she did not. She said that this is how Dave is with everybody and has been that way since he began dating my wife’s friend years ago. She said “I don’t pay attention to his BS, I never respond to it and certainly never initiate any conversation with him” I asked if she thought her friend would be happy to know the content of the message and she said “No, I wouldn’t think so”. She then said she would call her friend, Kathy, right now and tell her to tell Dave to knock it off if I wanted her to. She also handed me her phone and said feel free to scroll through and see whatever you want. We also discussed her responding to Dave and telling him that she was offended by his message and that she would be certain that I would be also. She is fine with doing that if I want her to. I told her I’d think about that. She also blocked his ability to message her and told me she'd hand over her phone anytime I wanted.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You need to get your wife to send the message to him without mentioning you. If he thinks she is sending it at your instigation he will see it as her being fine with his behavior.
For what it’s worth I think he is just an ******* and probably thinks he is just being funny. Time for your wife to put him in his place and maybe mentioning that he’s a granddad will drive the point home.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Your wife needed to shut this down before you called her on it. She acted like you were being ridiculous when you called her on it the first time then said she thought it was inappropriate, so obviously she was BSing you to begin with. She knows his wife is not cool with it yet hides it from her as well as you. She seems to be making amends after her "hand" was forced, which is pretty meaningless.
You should approach her friend's flirty husband and say "With all due appreciation and appropriateness, I will knock your d*ck in the dirt if you keep texting my wife in such an inappropriate, disrespectful and garish way". He needs to be called on his bull****.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

SoxFan said:


> We did discuss this last night. I said to my wife that I have something I want to get off my chest and it’s a continuation of the conversation we had on Saturday night about Dave. We sat down and I told her I was still uncomfortable with the fact that this guy was sending her messages on FB especially since I have my concerns about how flirtatious I think he is and I recounted the things he does that make me feel this way. I then told her I need to see exactly what he sent her in his message from last week.
> 
> She went and got her phone and pulled up the message. I said do you really think it’s appropriate for any man to message another man’s wife using the terms he did? She said, no she did not. She said that this is how Dave is with everybody and has been that way since he began dating my wife’s friend years ago. She said “I don’t pay attention to his BS, I never respond to it and certainly never initiate any conversation with him” I asked if she thought her friend would be happy to know the content of the message and she said “No, I wouldn’t think so”. She then said she would call her friend, Kathy, right now and tell her to tell Dave to knock it off if I wanted her to. She also handed me her phone and said feel free to scroll through and see whatever you want. We also discussed her responding to Dave and telling him that she was offended by his message and that she would be certain that I would be also. She is fine with doing that if I want her to. I told her I’d think about that. She also blocked his ability to message her and told me she'd hand over her phone anytime I wanted.


This is all well and good and on the surface, your wife is trying to do the right thing. However, something is missing here. What is needed is for you to have a conversation with Dave telling him you’ve seen his messages and if you ever find out that he messages or contacts your wife again, for any reason what so ever, a copy of all the messages he sent your wife will be given to his wife. After you do that, you tell your wife that you did it, not before. Your marriage is worth more that the friendships.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

It only when she stops mentioning him is when you should worry.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Your wife needed to shut this down before you called her on it. She acted like you were being ridiculous when you called her on it the first time then said she thought it was inappropriate, so obviously she was BSing you to begin with. She knows his wife is not cool with it yet hides it from her as well as you. She seems to be making amends after her "hand" was forced, which is pretty meaningless.
> You should approach her friend's flirty husband and say "With all due appreciation and appropriateness, I will knock your d*ck in the dirt if you keep texting my wife in such an inappropriate, disrespectful and garish way". He needs to be called on his bull****.


Possible. Also possible she's just a pollyanna and truly doesn't see it. Doesn't realize men are dogs. I know several women like that. They grew up believing in fairy tales and men who are virtuous and you just pick the one off the tree who you want for a husband. When I've told women like this that I can name 10 men who cheat on their wives regularly and with no regret, they are shocked, I say! 

But I agree that you should tell this jerk to back off. Most of the men I know who cheat just keep trying, every woman is a potential conquest and if they encounter resistance from the woman - or her husband - they just back off and go look for someone else. And do tell his wife. She needs to be able to protect herself with awareness.


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