# dealing with friends wife



## aldorakitty (Jun 1, 2011)

i would like to start with the fact that i am married and have been with my husband for almost 2 years. my husband is in the Navy and one of the guys that he works with has become a good friend to everyone in the family. sometimes we talk ether text or on the phone. now he is closer to my own age and is very inteligent and well versed in many subjects. my husband is 3 years younger then me and is more of a gear head. i love him but sometimes i dont want to talk about his work or cars. now my husbands friend, lets call him Jim, Jim's wife is much younger then all of us. she isnt even 20, never graduated high school, no drivers licence and wont let Jim out of her sight. if he has to leave to do something she will cry throw a fit or if she wont get her way say she is leaving him. its getting to the point were she is now saying that Jim and I are having an affair and is trying to cause problems with everyone. I am not in any relationship with Jim. we both enjoy eachothers company for intelectual reasons but it is gettin unbearable to be around his wife and yet i cant manage to spend time with him without her there. is there anything i can do? for the record im not trying to spend alone time with him, my husband is usualy there and does everything he can to get jim some time away from his wife. my husband suports my friendship with jim so thats not part of the problems. please help me.


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

A) I think you're setting yourself up for an emotional affair with Jim.

B) I think Jim has a lot of work cut out for him with his very young and insecure wife. I don't know, but his wife may have legitimate reasons for her feelings.

C) I think your ambitions to spend time with a married man apart from his wife are morally questionable.

I don't see what good could possibly come from you spending more time with Jim, especially apart from his wife. It's not good for your marriage or for Jim's. My advice, put some distance between you and Jim citing the valid reasons listed above. This would have the added bonus of not having to deal with his wife. Doing the right thing isn't easy, but in the end you'll be much better off for doing so.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She sounds like the mature one. She is enforcing proper boundaries in her marriage. You are the immature one here. A friend does not drive a wedge in someone's marriage, that is a selfish and immature act.


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## rider03 (Apr 7, 2009)

Viseral said:


> A) I think you're setting yourself up for an emotional affair with Jim.
> 
> B) I think Jim has a lot of work cut out for him with his very young and insecure wife. I don't know, but his wife may have legitimate reasons for her feelings.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

To the OP, perhaps you just wrote this the wrong way, but the way you presented this to us... you come out looking like the bad guy (girl) than the OW. Seriously, i am very cool with alot of friend's wives, some i have known BEFORE their husbands met them. I have NONE of their cell phone numbers, and only briefly chat with them via FB.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

From what I know about Navy marriages, you should back off your husbands friend.
Ive seen too many shipmates hurt by the relationship between their wife and a so called friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What you do is stop hanging out with them altogether. 

I would not be comfortable AT ALL hanging out with a married guy regardless of who's around when his wife has loudly proclaimed she suspects an affair (whether it's true or not). 

It does sound like you may like Jim, from your post and that is no good cause you're married. 

No more hanging out with them. If Jim asks, tell him you don't want any problems and he needs to focus on his marriage and you need to focus on yours. 

There is a smidge of your post coming across as if you may like Jim in a not-so-friendly way but hey I could be wrong........


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## aldorakitty (Jun 1, 2011)

after reading everyones vews i realized how it may seem. i would like to point out that i have tried to be friends with Jims wife for over a year. its not like im only trying to spend time with him. most of the time he just wants to get away to spend time with my husband while i go out with my other friends as my husband only has a few friends were we are. if there was a way for me to show her that i would like to be friends with her to if she would just stop acting the way she is then i would do it in a heart beat. if this changes anything please let me know if you still feel the same way then thank you for your advice.


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## JessiTexas40s (May 28, 2011)

Maybe try talking to her alone over lunch, be a mentor. She sounds like she could use an "intellectual" friend herself. I'm not blaming you for your irritation, I have almost no tolerance for idiots but my son in law, Forrest Gump has taught me great patience with ignorance...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

aldorakitty said:


> i would like to point out that i have tried to be friends with Jims wife for over a year.
> 
> if there was a way for me to show her that i would like to be friends with her to if she would just stop acting the way she is then i would do it in a heart beat.


The thing is, she does not want to be friends with you. 
She sees you as an imposition on her marriage. 
So you need to accept and respect that.

Back off.


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## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

I agree with Jim's wife

you need to back off.


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## aldorakitty (Jun 1, 2011)

backing off would be fine if i didnt have to l didnt have to live with them.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

That does complicate things. 

From you rinitial post, you said the husbands work together, but did not mention all 4 of you LIVE together.

Are you all living in a house together? Elaborate.


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## aldorakitty (Jun 1, 2011)

ok sorry i should have brought that up. jim and his wife lived seperate when my husband and i first met. at that point in time jims wife and i were at least polite to eachother. then their finaces got tight so my husband and i decided that since we had a large house that we could spare the room. my husband cant stand to see anyone in a bind so it seemed like the natural thing to do. they will be moving out in a few months as they got military housing but untill then its going to be very hard not to talk to someone over the dinner table or passing them in the hall


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You're going to have to talk to her if she's living in your house. I'd tell her straight up, you don't want to cross any boundaries but hope you can at least be civil to eachother until they move. 

DO NOT spend any time w/ him alone. I WOULD bring this entire issue up with your husband if you haven't already. Maybe they can move sooner?

I wouldn't feel comfortable living with these two if I were you. I wouldn't want that sort of thing in my house.

This is Drama Central waiting to happen.


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## aldorakitty (Jun 1, 2011)

it does make me feel like im back in high school again. but i have brought it up to my husband and while he is having problems with her as well he doesnt have it in him to kick his friend out on the street just because of his wife.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Hopefully you learned a lesson. Don't ever invite anyone to live with you again. This is a recipe for marital disaster and is a sure way for affairs to start. The best course of action is for Husband to say "Friend, I tried to do a good deed and give you and your wife a place to stay while you were getting on your feet. However at this point the dissention is a threat to my marriage and my wife's reputation. I"m sorry but you have to vacate this weekend." Then stay away from them. 

Your job is to protect your marrriage, not your friends. There is no way this works out well while you are living with another couple.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ I agree


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Viseral said:


> A) I think you're setting yourself up for an emotional affair with Jim.
> 
> B) I think Jim has a lot of work cut out for him with his very young and insecure wife. I don't know, but his wife may have legitimate reasons for her feelings.
> 
> ...


I served eight years in the Navy. If anything will put pressure on a marriage it is Navy life. There are deployments that change the people involved. It is way too common for wives to become emotionally attached to other sailors. Husbands are often too naive to get it. So if hubby is ok with it, take that with a grain of salt. He is probably clueless. I reached a point in my career where young sailors on a cruise would come to me for advice ... the stories wrenched my heart. 

Anyway, my advice is to not continue with this woman's husband the way you are. Whether you feel he is just a friend or not. He is her husband. Respect that.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

aldorakitty said:


> after reading everyones vews i realized how it may seem. i would like to point out that i have tried to be friends with Jims wife for over a year. its not like im only trying to spend time with him. most of the time he just wants to get away to spend time with my husband while i go out with my other friends as my husband only has a few friends were we are. if there was a way for me to show her that i would like to be friends with her to if she would just stop acting the way she is then i would do it in a heart beat. if this changes anything please let me know if you still feel the same way then thank you for your advice.


It really does not. You should back away from this ... no, you should run away from this. This is about her and her husband. Not you. Sorry.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

OMG. Just saw they are living together in the same house.

UFB. Train Wreck here we come. These guys are f'ing up big time.

Sorry for asking this but it matters. What do you all do when they deploy? Do they deploy together?


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## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

have you swing ?


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## aldorakitty (Jun 1, 2011)

well they are getting there own place in a few months and when they deploy they will deploy together. i would not be comfortable living in a house with just them and me. to be honest when they deploy i will most likly move back to be close to my family as my mother is becoming increasingly ill. and to Torchwood.... no i dont swing. i am happy with my husband and dont see the need to bring more drama into my life. i know all to well the dangers of what happens when husbands deploy. this is not my first marrage. i was married to a army guy for five years before he did not return from Iraq. if i could get them to move out without causeing problems for my husband and without causeing more drama i would. a marrage is hard enough without adding more people


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

aldorakitty said:


> well they are getting there own place in a few months and when they deploy they will deploy together. i would not be comfortable living in a house with just them and me. to be honest when they deploy i will most likly move back to be close to my family as my mother is becoming increasingly ill. and to Torchwood.... no i dont swing. i am happy with my husband and dont see the need to bring more drama into my life. i know all to well the dangers of what happens when husbands deploy. *this is not my first marrage. i was married to a army guy for five years before he did not return from Iraq.* if i could get them to move out without causeing problems for my husband and without causeing more drama i would. a marrage is hard enough without adding more people


Very sorry to hear this.


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