# Lots of Issues with Duaghter Need Thought



## HumbledStriver (Sep 22, 2012)

Background (brief as possible):

Separated when when daughter was 10 (& + yrs ago). 

Ex had committed adultery when she was about 1. Told me she wanted out then. Initially lied about the infidelity. I tried the best I could to keep it together. Even asked at least 7 times for counseling to no avail.

Saw my daughter's heart absolutely crushed when I told her we were getting divorced. Her mother just sat there and didn't say a word even thought it was her doing.

I determined at the time that I did not want to put my daughter through any more.

I moved out to avoid world-war-III and having my daughter see a huge battle.

I was devastated for a long time by the divorce. I believe I have PTSD but have never sought medical diagnosis.

I never disparaged her mother. Never really discussed the divorce until a couple of years ago when my daughter asked my why I got divorced. I shared with her that it was her mother who wanted the divorce. Told her i would answer any other questions she had at any time (she did not pursue any and I did not share about the infidelity).

I spoiled my daughter. She is an only child.

Remarried in June. My wife is from 900+ miles away. She relocated with me. She has a HS Sr too (Son who stayed with his father).

I believe she had tremendous separation anxiety. 

My daughter asked for a pic of her mother and I as one of her graduation pics. This really hurt my wife's feelings and she asked me not to do it. I did it because I believe it was my daughter wanting a pic with her mother and father. I do not believe it was my daughter's intention to portray us as a family. Her mother has since remarried and according to my daughter has the greatest marriage ever, etc. Nothing ever wrong with her.

We had a blow up around the pic but I also asked my daughter to modify behavior and simply be courteous around the house. Acknowledge my wife's presence and keep up her room.

About this time, my wife said I had put my daughter in front of the marriage. She ultimately left to go back and finish out the year with her son.

We talk every night. We love each other. We get together as often as possible. But I HATE not being together with her.

I recently had told my daughter about my expectations within our house. Clean up room and do her own laundry. I had shared with her if she didn't do it, no more money until done. And, if she continued not to do it, she could go stay with her mother. The next opportunity when we could do this was last Thursday. We were going to open presents with each other. Then were scheduled to travel o m sister's and them to my wife's over Christmas.

I showed here how do do the first load. She complained about it and called it stupid. But she did it.

I came up to get her for the second load. She balked. I tossed the hamper back in her room. I waited a bit and came back up. She was in tears saying she was going to her mothers. She said she was doing this because I had told her to if she didn't do her laundry.

This spawned calls from her mother. Without going into many details let's just say she sticks her nose in where it is not asked and others tell me 1. She has not business doing so and 2. Sh doesn't want to see us succeed.

My daughter sent me several texts basically saying she doesn't feel comfortable with my wife (esp. since the pic) and she doesn't feel a part of any family. She says she feels alone. She also decided (I gave her the choice) not to travel with me for Christmas but to stay with her mother.

She says she is worried about she and I but also says she is done "trying". 

The pattern (to me) is that every time I ask her to improve her behavior, she bucks. Then she says all we every do is fight. I don't see it as fighting but I do see that she pushes back on discipline and responsibility. (Keep in mind she is very responsible in other areas of her life, just not at home in picking up, laundry, etc.).

I have tried to the do the best I could. Many would opine I have been too soft. Regardless, I Love my daughter with all my heart. But, she thinks I have placed my wife in front of her and that I, "always take her side in everything."

I want to be married to my wife. I want my daughter to be blessed by that.

Right now I feel stuck in the middle. My wife and I are talking openly about this. We are both Christians and pray about it too.

I feel caught in the middle of everything.

I want my daughter to respect me and my (our) rules.

So, what do I do about hanging tough on the laundry? What about the lost plane ticket? Should my daughter have top reimburse.

I think she needs counseling but how do I get her there in a non-threatening way?

My "guy sense" says to hang tough and let her choose.

My father's heart is broken. I am a lover not a tough guy.

Thoughts, prayers, wisdom ... ALL appreciated!

Merry Christmas!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your wife was very wrong about the photo graph your daughter wanted. You and your ex are her mother father. Of course she wants a picture of the two of you.

Does your daughter know about this? 

If this is the way your wife is I can understand why your daughter feels the way she days. 

Just because you married someone does not mean that you child has to like this woman. It seems that your daughter has been very used to a lot of your attention. Perhaps your home was child centric. Then you bring another woman into your home. Your daughter probably feels like first she lost her intact family with the divorce. And now she's lost that special bond she had with you.

she's a senior in high school. When does she graduate? In May? What is she doing after graduation? Is she going off to school?

Often a step-parent comes into the family upon marriage and basically pushes their new spouse's children out of the way. Your wife sounds like this type of person.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

HS:

My ex and I were divorced when my daughter was 16 years old. She was very angry-at me for about a year. Then she began to act out. She wanted to blame the divorce for her bad behaviors. It was like a switch went off-honors student; varsity tennis team; volunteer; easy going child.....then the divorce. She did a 180. Two years later she is in jail (now) and out of control but seeing that it's her choices that are landing there.

Ironic, her dad and I get along fine. We are still close. He is a softie but has been reformed after these 2 years.

Advice: Lay down the rules early and be consistent. She knows how to tug the heartstrings and manipulate....even if she isn't aware of doing it. Is doing your own laundry harsh-no! Paying for mistakes harsh-no! It's life. If they don't get it early with you and your wife, then someone else will teach them those lessons (legal; husband; boyfriend; boss).

She may fight you tooth and nail. Tell her how much you love her, stick to your guns. 

I tend to agree, for now, that your wife may want to stay away until she graduates-with some visits. But, if you choose to begin living together again-then your daughter will need to deal with it. 

The pic with your ex and you. I would have done it for my daughter.


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