# Not sure where this belongs



## AeroXlll

This will be rather long so I appologize ahead of time.
To be honest I don't even know where to begin, as my marraige right now is so screwed up. So I'll start with backstory to where I ****ed up. Oct 7th I passed up the oppertunity to go out with my wife and one of my good friends to have a few drinks. I was exhausted from work and thought it would be more responsible to stay home and get some rest. 230am I am woken up by another of my friends who is complaining about how my wife and my other guy friend ignored her all night. I asked where they were and was told out back. Walking outside quietly I found my wife and my friend making out on the back patio. As I walked up they both pulled away and after asking what was going on I was told they were just talking about my friends son. I calmly smoked a ciggerret and told my friend I was taking my wife to bed. I never got angry or accused or really did anything other than that but in my head I was heated. I confronted her the next day and she said she didn't remeber and was sorry if it did happen. The next night she gets a text from my friend talking about how much he loved her and wanted her and didn't care about me and how he'd find a way to support our kids me and my wife have 2. She was passed out drunk when this happened. I confronted her and she said it shouldn't matter how he feels only that she doesn't feel the same. She refused and still does to break off contact with him. 
Oct 9, I decide to confront my friend about all this and invite him to the bar, (I now know that I was a functional alcholic. I drank anywhere from 12 to 24 beers a night after all my responsibilities were takin care of never any abuse or damages just a drunk I guess), I had already been drinking and when I confronted him he lyed about everything of course. This got me even more angry and I switched to liqure (which I NEVER do). so the end of the night comes and I black out. I go into an emotion fueled rage end up in the hospital and I put my hands on my wife for which I can never forgive myself, (I grabbed her by the neck as she was trying to wrestle me out of a vehichle). We tried to work on things and I did not touch a drink after that which was extremely hard, (she is a bartender by trade and she felt after the incident that she had a free card to go out and do as she pleased with her friends drinking and partying sometimes until 530 am). She told me after the incident that she had felt like a wife of convienince for the last 8 months, that i was selfish and did not meet her needs emotionaly. I conceeded to her assesment and tryed to change the things she disliked, and I was doing fine. Still however she continued to lie and decieve me as to her actions and whereabouts over the next month and I being who I am a CE and ME had proof that she was doing so. I confronted her about these thing and told her how it made me feel but it just made me the bad guy for "snooping". Fast forward to Nov 20, I don't know why I slipped, I think I was just jelious of my W for being able to have fun and still party like we always do while I sat back and had nothing ( I was never invited to any of her outings since before even the first event.) So I drank. I drank liqure, which I never do, at her bar, and I got wasted. I tried to fight with a biker gang after they shoved me from my seat. (her bar is "renegade territory and they "own" it"). After being dropped off at home I irrationaly lied to a friend to get them to take me back to her bar where I again attempted to have my a$$ handed to me by this gang. When I got home my friend atempted restraining me in the house which I fought tooth and nail, after which my wife interceeded and was subsequently hurt although this time it was completely accidental ( she fell backwards as I stood up trying to get away from my friend and injured her wrist, I know, not and excuse). After this she took off her rings and has not wanted anything to do with me. I now know that I need help and have since signed up for counsling and theropy for alcholism and some other underlying trust isses I may or may not have. I have been completely remorseful and appologetic and have taken the only actions I know how to get my problems adressed. But she has been distant for some time even before the first incident there was very little inamacy and now there is none. I know I screwed p bad but I love my wife more than life itself and I want this to work so bad I'm willing to do anything to make it better. We have been together for 7 years and been married for 5 beautiful years on dec 10. I don't know what I expect to get for this but I do feel as if my screw up was a reaction to what I found out. I am NOT a violent person and when I was told what I did the one night I think I cried for two days out of guilt and haterid of myself. I was told by my father that do to my actions she can now do as she pleases and I have to accept it but it hurts everytime she lies or I she her without her rings on. I asked if we were going to be able to make this work and all I've gotten ever since the first incident is that she doesn't know and she is doing what she can right now. We are like room mates at this point she gets the bed I the couch we both act as if nothing happened around the kids as they don't need to see or feel the amount of hurt this whole thing has caused me and my wife.She is still drinking every night nearly and still out till 4-5am on the nights she works with outings with her friends during the week. I do love her, I do want our marraige to work I am seeking help, but I get the feeling she is just here out of lack of options or to make it through the holidays or for the kids and that kills me inside. I'm sure I've left out some details bt this is the jist of my problem. How am I supposed to act when she has shut me out completely?


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## DanF

You're a violent drunk.
Until that's handled, nothing else will be.


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## the guy

You have to do what I did, I pulled my head out (like I see you have) now you must remains confident that you can live with out her ( I know you can't but do not show her). 
Stay focused on your own recovery, start excercising, spend time with the kids. Distance your self from wife and let her sink. She will approach you and ask you why you have changed, just respond by letting her know you love her, BUT you need to work on you right know and walk away. If she forces the issue again let her know that you love her and you need to work on your self and the things only you can control.

It was so hard watching my wife slip into a behavior that was so dangerous and unhealth, I had no choice but ignor it until she wanted to change. I can remember wanting to beg and plead with her but when I started to almost cry... the look in her eye was like you wimp, so I quickly changed my tune and when she saw me confident, and distancing my self from her it left her quessing. I showed her no matter what, I was a stong confident man who can take care of his kids, his business, and his wife if she want to change her behaviors. She would give me all kinds of s**t about the past, but the bottom line is I better know and stronger. It scared her to see me moving on and her not.
She finally saw the light, now she turns in her reciepts from her draw, so I can see when she stopped working and lately she has been opening the bar instead of closing So I see her in the evening more. Its been a long road Good luck

Get rid of that friend, I did and it was the best thing I did. Not only did my friend loose my friend ship, he worked for me and he lost his job.

Remember do not show weakness. chicks dig confident guys.


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## AeroXlll

DanF said:


> You're a violent drunk.
> Until that's handled, nothing else will be.


perhapse but statisticaly speaking not so 13 years drinking,
2 violent outbursts. But if you believe that critisism is constructive you are entitled to your opinion. And I am handling it the best way I know how thank you.


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## AeroXlll

Thats the hardest part and one of the first things I will talk to my counseler about. I do need her and it kills me when no matter what I do it pushes her away. I will have to find something to help keep my emotions in check and my confidence p because right now I have hit rock bottom


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## the guy

Areo, One more thing. It will get to a point when you have to come up with a plan in dealing with your wife, stay with the plan and work the plan, the consequences will be difficult, but If you can make her believe you will move on it will freak her out. Mine did and she came back. She has told me that my actions back in Feb. where evidence that I was a changed man. And she has thanked me numerous times for saving her.


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## the guy

You already hit rock bottom and are now bouncing back up. Get that thought out, force it out.

Please distanace your self from Wife. no matter what, you can only control your behavior. what ever you did around the house before, do the oppisite, I'm hoping it was negitive and the change will be more positive


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## AeroXlll

the guy said:


> You already hit rock bottom and are now bouncing back up. Get that thought out, force it out.
> 
> Please distanace your self from Wife. no matter what, you can only control your behavior. what ever you did around the house before, do the oppisite, I'm hoping it was negitive and the change will be more positive


Well to be honest I don't think my self that bad of a person I have over the past 11 months been self absorbed and concintrated on my education work home/vehical repair help other friends and family with their problems. Around the house I mostly just worked and spent time with my children. My only time to my self that I had I took all for myself and this is where she says the initial resentment and emotional detachment started. Will going out and doing more things just for me really help the situation? I have trolled the forums and read about this working but I can't rationalize it in my circumstance.... This is what I'm dealing with I analize every detail about everything in life and it leads to normally satisfactory result but I can't wrap my head around this one....I just want to make it better, make us whole again.


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## the guy

Try doing things with the kids more. I'm thinking of a way you can do something that your W will notice, a positive change in you. Or how about something that will affect your wife in a small way that is positve, that has nothing to do with her current behavior, 

I ended up dejunking our closet, I built a shelving unit for my daughter and I stayed away from my old habits of drinking with the guys. Basicly I stayed home more and watched my wife come and go. I believe she witnessed me getting closer to the kids. I quess I just changed the way I was before, and hoped my wife noticed my action rather then telling her. 

I dont know brother, I'm just tring to help some you is going throught the same grap I went throught for the last 13 years.


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## AeroXlll

the guy said:


> Try doing things with the kids more. I'm thinking of a way you can do something that your W will notice, a positive change in you. Or how about something that will affect your wife in a small way that is positve, that has nothing to do with her current behavior


Thanx TG, I guess it will jst be a concious willful effort to put how I feel about her actions and our situation out of my head. Perhapse talking to the counsler regularly about it will help the feelings and thoughts not bounce around in my head. It's so active of there even the ambien I started taking to sleep only keeps me out for 3 hours. I just got to find something anything to keep my thoughts elsewhere.


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## DanF

AeroXlll said:


> perhapse but statisticaly speaking not so 13 years drinking,
> 2 violent outbursts. But if you believe that critisism is constructive you are entitled to your opinion. And I am handling it the best way I know how thank you.


One drunken violent outburst is too many, especially when it involves a loved one.
See my responses on other topics here. I don't sugar coat it. You posted looking for advice. If you think that advice is harsh, that's for you to deal with.
It's going to be harsh and likely not what you want to hear all the time.
What exactly is "handling it the best way I know how"?
No drinking? AA? Rehab?
There's only one way to handle alcoholism. Stop drinking completely and forever.


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## AeroXlll

DanF said:


> One drunken violent outburst is too many, especially when it involves a loved one.
> See my responses on other topics here. I don't sugar coat it. You posted looking for advice. If you think that advice is harsh, that's for you to deal with.
> It's going to be harsh and likely not what you want to hear all the time.
> What exactly is "handling it the best way I know how"?
> No drinking? AA? Rehab?
> There's only one way to handle alcoholism. Stop drinking completely and forever.


I agree and that is fine as I said you are entitled to your opinion,
I personally KNOW I'm not a violent person, I can also admit I am an alcoholic regardless of the type.
and yes after incident 1 I stopped drinking by myself, my wife inturn increased hers. Emotions got the better of me and I slipped, ergo incident 2. I have not drank again I have also signed up for group/counsling. First meeting is tuesday. I came to the conclusion that If I didn't find a positive way to deal with these negative thoughts and emotions I would continue to slip. But for now I fine with not needing a drink. Do I want one? Heck yeah, but my marraige and family, My wife mean more.
Thanx for the reply.


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## the guy

My take is, Aero knows he has monkeys on his back, but lets get back to his marriage and his current situation with regard to his W checking out and the the bad behaviors she is still having. 

In my opinion, focusing on him self is good...is great and he can control only what he can control. his wife is on her own, and can only hope that she comes out of the fog when or if she sees his positive change.

Ive been there and it truely sucks having made your bed and now laying in it, and alls you want is change in your marriage, but your wife is screwing around and never home b/c you were such an *ss hole in the past.

Sorry for the rant!


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## AeroXlll

the guy said:


> My take is, Aero knows he has monkeys on his back, but lets get back to his marriage and his current situation with regard to his W checking out and the the bad behaviors she is still having.
> 
> In my opinion, focusing on him self is good...is great and he can control only what he can control. his wife is on her own, and can only hope that she comes out of the fog when or if she sees his positive change.
> 
> Ive been there and it truely sucks having made your bed and now laying in it, and alls you want is change in your marriage, but your wife is screwing around and never home b/c you were such an *ss hole in the past.
> 
> Sorry for the rant!


Yup thats me right now.The ONLY silver lining in all this is that the kids have no idea whats going on because we've been able to contain the emotions and the arguing and the hurt all this has caused for when they aren't around. That and my liver is starting to regenerate. Sorry my humor is always dry and out of place. To be honest how is that even a silver lining?
if incident 1/2 never happened there would be nothing to know about.....there I go analizing again.


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## the guy

Come on your kids gotta be wondering were moms at? Don't lie to them....wait how old are they? 

You may be making this to easy for her by not letting the kids see the truth?


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## AeroXlll

the guy said:


> Come on your kids gotta be wondering were moms at? Don't lie to them....wait how old are they?
> 
> You may be making this to easy for her by not letting the kids see the truth?


She works nights at the bar anyway man so they don't get that mommy's tired from partying they just think she been at work all night. And I have a super smart 4 year old son and the most beautiful 2 year old daughter in the world. Also you have to understand this is all VERY recent. Our relatioship our family life and even the people that we are have been talked about as examples of how to make a marraige last and work for the past 5 years. All of our aquanteinces even family have oogled over how great we are as friends,a family,and spouses. That is one of the reasons this is so hard for me and to her credit probly my wife as well. Niether of us really ever had anything we couldn't solve with a 30 min talk and a kiss before bed and now 5 beautiful years is getting @#$%ed up by 2 months worth of events. Just...life is amazing.


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## the guy

I was in my 7th year when I dismissed my W same behavior and with plenty of beer, lasted another 13 years before confronting the issue. With that said, confront it the best way you can, but she is in over drive, so option 1 hit it head on and risk pushing her away or not; or option 2 dismiss it and wait years to deal with it. 

Since this is fresh and if I had to do it all over again, I would hit it head on. But still you have to get her to preseve the idea that you can move on with out her. If you can fake her out by making her think you will move on with out her it will keep her quessing. Right now she thinks she can have her cake and eat it to. Some how you have to show her there are conseqences for her behavior with out threatening her. 

One of the first thing I did was limit her ATM account,I used the bank account to show she was spending money on her partying and told her I needed to protect our finances. Granted she can always use her own money, but I'll be damded if shes going to use mine.

I believe this is fresh enough that the both of you can get back on track. She just needs to see the conseqences of her behavior (no threats) and there are a bunch of links and info on this sit in how to fight this grap. Man I wish I would have fought 13 years ago. My W was in such a dangerous place when I woke up 

Remember show confidence she needs to see you are not afraid of any thing and that you will be stronger then ever and you waver in the belief that you will over come this and if she chooses she can be there and she is more then welcome as long as these new behaviors change and she can account for her where abouts.
(strong words coming from a screw up boozer who's been married for 19 years ;-)


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## AeroXlll

the guy said:


> My W was in such a dangerous place when I woke up
> 
> QUOTE]
> 
> and I qoute "You of all people have no room or right to tell me about my drinking" end quote. She was out till 430 again last night. It was amicable this morning, she woke bout 40min ago said she had to leave for work (2 hours early) I gave her the car key and she left not many words between us, but at least no coldness or arguing either....


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## the guy

Man, this is hitting so close to home. Again, back to what I said earlier, distance your self.

So how much sleep, real sleep, did she get? She will wear her self down, sooner or later. She came home for a reason, her safe place, for some real sleep. Believe me, they only get real sleep when their home.

How much gas was in the car? Remember, don't make this to easy for her, but distance your self, so as to not blame you for her slipping/ falling a part.

Soon she will start complaining how much her life sucks. Which is good, this is when she start connecting back with you, and is no longer connect with others , about how you suck. When this happens, ease yor self back in to her F**cked up world. and start giving her alittle support that, in which you have taken away earlier.
Does that make sence?

Remember all the screaming and yelling and threats will not get her back to were she once was. Like you said earlier..... " hitting rock bottom" .What I'm suggesting, is helping her reach that in a quit and passive aggrasive way. Once she's there then the both of you can repair this thing.

Have you looked into the bank account thing? Are you quitely keeping track of her activities...bank statement, phone records. credit card statement. Phone records/numbers are really important, especially when she starts staying away for longer periods of time, thats when it gets really scary. She stopped pick up her cell and the stops returning messages. Remember dont be that stalker guy so be smart. and dont forget to be confident and strong. Have you given her any idea that you are moving on, like dejunking the closets or leaving open the rental ads. Have you thought about taking a small vacation? go visit some friends with the kid for at least a night, and just don't tell her. I,m curious to see what she does when she comes home one night and no one home?

One more thing, stop buying the foods she likes, when you go grocery shopping. The farther she feels away from the family the sooner she'll see the consequences. Keep in mind, as soon as she starts spending more time at home, is when you need to show her the love and strangth, and security she was missing.

In CA the bars close at 2:00, My wife stops serving at 1:30 if shes not home by 3:00...... come on. If your wife is like mine she needs attention, sorry dude she getting it from some one else... find out who.

Again, I'm just a guy, get as much advise as you can and deside for your self on how to hadle this grap.

I do need some help, wife opened the bar today so she will be home at 6 PM, the Chargers start a 5 PM. whats a good way to balance my two loves;-)


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## AeroXlll

Well TG most of that stuff I do already anyway, I was the one handling all the finances but recently she told me she was opening her own account. We share everything, we like the same food ect. The major differences are that now she stays out more and she has been UBER secrative about her phone. in can get a record but just of who was texted or called not the contents (sprints legal policy) so without acctually sifting throgh her phone no dice on what she is acctually doing/saying. As a matter of fact she still isn't home in an hour that will make this a 10 hour shift when sundays is split shift for her 12 to 6. she got in at 430am last night woke up at 10am and left. I'm gonna go out and see my buddy tonight, I'm sure she'll ***** that she had plans or something but at this point I really don't care what her plans are. Pulled down the christmas decorations to day and felt defeated again. But she told me last night she didn't want me coming up to the bar any more. I'm not banned she just asked me not to come up there as "a favor to her." She says constantly that she still cares and is trying to make this work but even our TRUE friends are starting to tell me otherwise and prepare for the end. Just thinking about it upsets me all over.....


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## AeroXlll

update:just gotta a text finaly saying she'd be home "soon", but first she has to go check on one of these new aquantinces she met at the bar. This aquantince was involved in a bar brawl last night apparently and even though my wife has only know her for maybe 2 months she feels the need to go check on her.....whatever I guess. I didn't text her back I'm gonna put my kids down at 9 like always my wife already missed dinner. and then I'm going to go see the only friend I have left after all this mess. I'd stay out till 5am but that just isn't me......


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## AeroXlll

update 2: She just got home and shes wasted. Eyes as red as fire hydrants and wreaks like a liqure cabnet. She's acting like nothings wrong "I just got off work". I didn't even ask her what took so long or wheres she's been. Gonna go goosefraba myself get changed and head out after the kids are in bed, now that shes home.


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## AeroXlll

update 3: I guess I [email protected]#$ed up TG. She told my father she needed to go she her aquantience to make sure she was ok while I was out. I knew where she was really headed though. So I went and met her at the bar where she was having a good old time talking to the guy help there. She was sloshed again though she of course wouldn't admit it driving my fathers car at that. I told her I needed to talk to her about her actions of late and she pressed me to have the discussion right there. I knew from what I've read on here she was jst looking for an excse to get mad and run to some1 or somewhere else. I told her when we got home extremely calmly that I needed to set some boundries for my life and our marraige as we have always done. I told her that her drink was hurting her myself and our family. She threw my old drinking habits in my face. I expected that. Then she brought up all the recent events and said every1 has told her to beat feet since then. She said she only stayed for the kids and how much they love me. I asked her to go get counsling with me or seperately and she made adimit excuses "don't have the money, then it was don't have time, then it was if I do have time I'm spending it with my kids." She then when on the defense when I told her that even her mom said she needed to cut down on her drinking, she said my mom never said that after which I offered to call her mom. Then she brought up something completely out there as something she was upset about which is when I texted her to she if she was with our friend on black friday. Then after I kept difusing her arguments she started laughing and went off about how I intentionally tried to break her arm in 2 places (incident 2 this is definately not true) and she finished with I'm not listening to this anymore and she walked off. I did NOT raise my voice,say anything spiteful,or accusitory, mean or hateful. I remained calm the entire time. (this is a big acheivement for me because again I'm ready to pop.) I did tell her that if she wanted to live this lifestyle that I could not support her in that. I told her I wanted our marraige to work, and that I loved her. I'm sure she won't be talking to me again tomorrow but what is it gonna take a DUI? She say she ONLY has 3 or 4 drinks but its fricken 3/4 SoCo and 1/4 coke in a tall boy glass at her bar and it's EVERY night she works or goes out with her friends. All my family and friends are telling me to start preparing for the divorce and that she is only coming home because her options are limited. She of course denies this. I dunno, I guess I shoulda just let her be tonight but again the lying and deceite just eats at me.I don't know if we can make this work if I'm the only one trying....


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## the guy

Ask her no questions and she will tell you no lies. 

She my need a DUI, people will often call the cops and give them the drunk's plate number,at the very least you my want her to leave the home. 

I would wait until my wife passed out and would pull the cell phone out from under her pillow, and get the text messages. right around 7:00 am when she would have been asleep for an hour. 

Does her father now about his car getting driven while she drunk?
Dont forget to tighten up on her access to money, and see if you can deminish her access to a car. It would make it difficult to go party with out transportation especialy if you have to take her to and from work. Just a thought. Some times car do break down.

Above all else stay calm and be very carefull when it gets this bad it doesnt take much to set your self up as the bad guy, and then a restraining order. So never make a split second decision, take the time to think every thing through. you are in a dangerous fight for your marriage. 

Man I hated those days, last year as a matter of fact, I'm not sure what was worse the coming home drunk at 6 AM or not coming home at all. There is hope, my wife is now back, with no DUIs, and no STDS, but she does admit to one assult when she went home with some guy. that was hard to hear. He didnt want to wear a rubber so it got ugly, she ended up blown him and walking back to her car. I believe thats was the straw that broke the camels back, you can say.


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## AeroXlll

tried to take the kids ot without her today. She woke up instantly and said she was coming along. I didn't argue or fight with her about it. The rest of the day was amiable. No fighting, no arguing, but the tension was definately there. She is being very pltonic to me when she sober if not distant and detached. It's hard to be right next to the woman you love and not be able to touch her or kiss her or tell her you love her. I'm taking her to work tonight, she still will not be home till 4am garuanteed. Is it an assumtion or a precognition if you already know the answer to a future event? I'll take some sleep aids tonight and get some good sleep I have a busy day tommorrow


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## the guy

Good job dude, see how she is still there, some what, at least when the kids are involved, use that more!

I was doing night time Advile, it helped, wasn't to strong put helped.

Who's picking her up for work? I'd offer it would be the gentlemenly thing to do. Tell her it would make you feel good to help her out. I get thats impossible but something to think about.

One thing I had no problem with, is sex, and affection, stomach that affection, it will keep her mind racing, she will get a bad feeling, call it guilt. A long with the kids its more ammo for the fight. It will be tuff as hell but if any thing this is the time to start hugging and kissing her, in front of everyone, kids, family and at the bar, it will make you look like the good guy and make her second quess her behavior. In my opinion, buck up and lets see what kind of actor you can be, I pray that soon enough her behavior changes and it won't be acting anymore and the affection will be true whithout alturnative motives. Its tuff when they crinch when you approuch them for a hug/kiss, but screw it do it any way make her take that effection and show it off in front off as many people who will look.

So give it try and see how thing will develope.

When I did the take the kids out thing, she just slept. Once I got her out of the fog, she has really reconnected with the kids, its great.


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## AeroXlll

yeah tried the affection thing but again the only people she is into listening to are the ones that don't care about her so... And there is no sex right now not even close to that intamacy last night with she was ranting she told me it made her sick to her stomach to be touched by me. That she didn't even want me to be around. Then she let me sleep in the bed with her, purely plutonicly of course she rolled over and inched away every time I'd try and touch her. I'm so confused I and if I tried to kiss her at the bar she'd probly slap me. Who knows, shes not wearing her rings anymore and tonight i decided to take mine off to. I don't feel like her hsband right now, I feel like a taxi, and a babysitter, and a scapgoat for her actions. I'm changing for the better and she wants nothing to do with that. As to who is taking her home from work, who knows, at this point she'll say or do anything to be away from me. It's to the point where I'm ready to give her her wish as this crap is building up in me. I can't resolve how I feel when all I get from her is shoulder shrugs and uncertanties.I'm sitting here talking with my son and starting to tear up. What do normal people do in these situations how do they cope with these emotions it's just insanity in my head and my heart right now. I have a meeting till 9 I'll just try and focus on that.


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## the guy

You are dangerous waters, so be careful and remember to stay calm and control only what you can only control (not her). 

If you think about moving out... don't, you will get nailed for abandandment. If you kick her out, you will be labeled the bad guy. So my advice is to get the evidence to prove adultery. PI are expensive, and friends (at this time) are hard to trust, family my help, so, if you can get a picture or a text indicating her infidelity you will have the power to have her leave until she stops all contact with other men or the "who knows who". Do the research and find the ways to prove her behavior on paper.I think you need to talk to a laywer regarding cusdity, cohabitation, and finances. and if you have to confront her regarding her behavior make sure you have a witness. It will realy suck to have this thing go sideways, especialy if her anger intensifies. She is not the same person you married so bewarned, do not put anything past this stranger. She currently is so far from reality that her "friends" are keeping her and advising her in the worst possible direction.

Right now she will do what ever it take to get rid of you, even egg you on to a point were the police will put you in jail for the night. if that happens your screwed. Get her thrown in jail will be ideal, but talking about pushing her away...... so distance your self from getting involved with her behavior. You did awsome with the kids, so stay strong, and FOCUS! 

Another thing about getting black and white evidence on her behavior, is you will get more support in getting her to change when you show the ones that really care. Telling them just doesn't have the same effect, seeing is believing.

It sound like you are at your weakest right now... how are you behaving in front of her, no begging or pleading, right?


Check out Affaircare, this link has some helpful steps in dealing with this grap. start getting informed with some good reading on this topic. it will help you get to know what your wife will do next and it will ready you for those feelings, most importantly it will give you a plan of attack. Remember you are not the only guy that has been down this road, there is a script to this stuff. Your W has told you the same grap mine has and plenty of other guys on this form. So believe it or not, knowing the script and seeing the game plan before it happens makes it less confussing and gives you, her next move before she even know her next move....make sence?

Some folks at TAM were alot nicer to there spouses in the past then me or you were, but their spouse behaviors are simular, and what wayward spouse do to screw up a marriage even more then it was. Our wifes party to much then most, but the whole thing with stepping out of a marriage are all relative.

Get a plan, set boundries and protect your self, even your kids if she starts to take them around her "friends" 

Its easy for me to talk ,13 years ago, on our 7th year of marriage, I dismissed my wifes same behavoir and she did her thing and I did mine, that Sh*t lasted on and off until 10 month ago. when I said enough.


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## AeroXlll

I hear ya TG, I'm tired, emotionally drained, resentful that I feel like I'm the only one trying. Hell even our loved ones want to put a boot in her a$$ for the way shes been acting. I have to pick her up from work tonight I'm sure she will be at least tipsy if not drunk again. It's a monday night but I still won't gett a call till 3am....I'm going to bed thanx for all the advice and support so far the only thing keeping me sane is being able to talk about it on here.


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## the guy

Stay positive, on last post you werent even sure about the pick up from work, so thats a plus. remember leave her alone, especialy at her enviorment, your emotion will want to fly, stay calm, no matter what she does or what you see, no bar fights, you will lose in her drunken eyes. The only thing you can control is being there and leaving with or with out her. you can control that, and not her, so stay strong and confident that this will all come to a head by only her action, not yours.

I'm curious, how did the pick her up from work come about?


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## AeroXlll

I haven't recieved anything from her telling me not to. On nights where I need the car I pick her up. Being as I haven't been told not to get her I have to assume she will need a ride, I'd much rather it be me...


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## the guy

Hi Aero, I'm the guy's wife... He asked me to read this thread cuz he's worried about the advice he gave you. some good, some not so good. I advise only positive actions or only things done with love. All you can do is be her savior and the person she fell in love with. if shes not ready theres not much more you can do but profess your love and be there like you are doing. dont do anything passive aggressive or stalk. Offer her a ride home if shes not ready just tell her to call u and go home and get some sleep. And rest assured that if she doesn't want to make the marriage work... you will find someone that will love you and your children. That will come later though if she doesn't realize soon that the man that truely loves her is dying inside and will enventually have to move on to be open to a woman that isnt on the fast track to ruinning her life.

Dude sorry I needed some help I wanted her to post, 
Its the the guy, and when you go to pick her up, call her in the parking lot and tell her your there, I'm worried on what you might find. If you deside to go in, be prepared to face the lions den. walk out with courage, for your kids... dad needs to be home tomarrow for them. F*ck the cat calls, Screw the drunk guys that wants her to stay, remember control only what you can control, it is her choice to leave with or with out her. You have a bigger picture, to look at(FAMILY). Bring a picture of the kids and give it to her ( man, now thats passive aggrasion). 

Pick her up, just stay focused being the good guy, its her choice between good and evil. Ask her no questions and she will tell you no lies!! Go home with or with out her.

The guys wife is also worried now, so you have 2 people that are praying for your family.

God bless


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## AeroXlll

It's ok TG it's good to at least have some idea of whats going through her mind right now as like I said my W has completely shut down to me. I went and picked her up last night she had an old "friend" from the other bar she sed to work at there along with "the guy help" Her phone had 2 missed calls from him around 10pm but he was there when I dropped her off. Probly nothing but. When I plled in every1 in there started acting pissy, the body language and akward silences made it quite apparent she was hoping I'd either forget to come get her or that she could leave before I got there. These are just assumptions of course but thats all I have to go on. It was amiable while I waited for her to get done cleaning. Apparrently every one telling her about her drinking has made an impact however her solution is a sideways slide not an improvement. She was drinking vodka and coke last night as opposed to SoCo so that she didn't wreak of liqure when she came home. On a silver lining however she did not look as intoxicated as usual.I'm sure had I not shown up she would have gone out with her friend and gotten lit again this is just an assumption but statisticaly speaking that would have been the case. On a side note "the guy help" was visibly upset I was there. He is normally very talkitive and said maybe 2 words to me and avoided eye contact unless he thought I wasn't looking. I didn't mention to my W. It amazes me though if there really is something there because this guy is a real peice of work. (jail for 5 years, had to have a tatoo of a phalanx redone on his dome after he passed out somewhere and they put it on his head, lives with his boss, rides a scooter for transpo, ect ect.) She slept downstairs last night, and this morning I made her coffee told her I loved her and gave her a kiss on the cheek. She is still distant but I have work to do so I can't worry about it. I have another meeting at 2 I have to get an assingment done for so thats that.


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## AeroXlll

sliver lining #2 10 days sober and not even a craving for a drink. Still gonna go to group but I think maybe I can do it this time.


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## AeroXlll

yeah so I'm up. Had what I thought was a good day with the wife and kids. Even thought she was gonna stay home tonight. Nope she thought I was asleep around midnight and she left went out to her bar and had some drinks didn't get home till 2ish. This has NEVER been ok,just to leave in the middle of the night. Man I hate this s#i%.


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## the guy

My W has done that also, I know the feeling. How did she get a ride?

Have you had a chance to read up on some links/sites that may help.

It was at its worst when the leaving in the middle of the night came about, and according to my W, that is when she got in the most trouble. She stared in Dec. '09 and it strated happening daily by Jan.09 by Feb. '10 I had enough and confronted her. If you recall I first approuched her and almost cried, but walked away then I waited a few weeks and really started to get the evidence of her cheating, when I showed her the proof that I knew what she was really up to it broke her down and we have been repairing our marriage ever since.

I wish I had some great way on how to stop the midnight runs but I don't, in addition, I can say, that when you can show them, in black and white the proof of there BS, it seam to shed light on their behavior and makes them feel bad enough to change. I have to say the leaving in the middle of the night was so disespectful and something I never did, as bad as I was, it leveled the playing field and I just couldn't take it. That action , for me, was my last straw.

Weird, her lies that she tells me that she is leaving "to go out with friends", and "I don't know when I'll be home" was easier to handle, but to leave in the middle of the night is so wrong on every leave. She my as well just moved out. 

My typing is all over b/c this is so close to home, I'm getting emotionally upset.


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## AeroXlll

I asked her about it this morning, she saw nothing wrong with leaving. She said she couldn't sleep so she went out for a while. I told her it upset me and like you as bad as my drinking was I always did it at home and never jst left in the middle of the night to go out to the bar to see friends. She told me I could do it also if it bothered me I told her that wasn't the point. I said it was a courtisy and respect issue, but she was adimit in believing there was nothing wrong with it. Oh well.


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## the guy

If she thinks there is nothing wrong with it why didn't she wake you up to tell you she was leaving? I guess now that gives you the right to take the kids out for dinner or lunch or even the park, dont worry about saying good by to her I'm sure she will be fine with it. Remember how quick she got up last time you intended to take the kids out, alone.

So now the both of you are this point and knowing you cant control her you can only control what you do and now she can see how it feel to be direspected when you dont need to inform her of your comings and goings, especially when it involves the kids. I still think you should take the kids out more it would be neet to take them over night some were at a friends house.

I wonder if you can consider her short leave with out telling, abandonment? Next time call everyone.... and that you woke up and she is gone have you seen her? You can't control here but you can control what everyone should know about her current behavior. Maybe you should start going to 24Hour Fitness in the middle of the night with out telling her.

Here I go with that passive aggrive crap;-) 

Again play it smart and think about your actions/plans, staying calm and protecting your self from setting your self up for a fall. Do the right thing for your kids by being strong in knowing you are the better man and sooner or later people will see she is the wrong one in this mess. If I remember correctly, her family and old friend see her behavior going down hill. How about an intervention??

Soon she will not be coming home at all,,, in my experience.


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## the guy

My W asked If I had posted to your thread today and said yes and she wanted to know how thing were going. Informed her that your W pulled that middle of the night crap you used to pull, and the 1st thing out of her mouth was" shes cheating" I said why the quick response and she informed me that "it was an old fashion booty call" , but your wife my have different view when it come to sex, so for me I know my chick loves sex. and I kind of expect that kind of reply from her because thats what she was doing. 

I doubt this last post could help, so stay strong and I hope you can find the truth and bring this all out into the open and she faces the reality of the need to correct her behaviors just like you have done.


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## the guy

One more thing you should be doing in regards to protecting your self, is start a journel, 1st entry 11-3-20 wife left middle of night, 1st time ever, around 0:00 AM back at 2:00 AM.
Have you taken any other action in investigating your wifes actions phone records, reverse phone look up, hiring some one to follow her, keylogger, or GPS? Remember you cant control her but you can prove she is cheatging. Keep it quit, if she find out she'll be pissed.

Invading someones privicy is opening the door when their on the toilet, what you should do is invade her secrecy. Again, I may be wrong here.


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## AeroXlll

To be honest I don't believe, and I hope my feelings are correct on this that she is willing or is having a physical affair with anyone. It feels more like she is having multipule emotional affairs, with the affairees being anyone who will side with her thinking on this. Being what I've done to create this mess it's not hard for me to see that being easy to get from another and have her actions and feeling justified by another, especially if she tells a one sided story. She is not perfect either and there werre some major things I swallowed and let go of for her. So I'll see how tonight goes.


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## the guy

I won't press the issue again. Her emotional affairs are just some friends getting together for coffee and tea in the mid day light.

This sh*t is happening under the cover of darkness with booze fueling the emotion, come on read your 1st post, did you or did you not see her kissing a friend.......

Ok... she hasn't replaced you and the attention she graved so many years back when things were "good" ...and now she no longer needs that and hasn't found it from some one else?


You've known her for seven years, physicaly what is the one thing she must have and love when you first all started out?

DUDE SHE RESPECTS YOU ENOUGH TO NOT SLEEP AROUND BUT LEAVES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT???????


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## AeroXlll

yeah tonight went to **** anyway, I let my emotions get the better of me and went on the deffensive instead of jst scking up what she was saying to me. Square one again can't wait for this week end....


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## AeroXlll

You know my W knows right now that I am remorseful and sorry and probly at the weakest point in my entire life. She knows right now that all I want to do is hold her close and tell her I love her. She knows that I want and need her love and compainionship. But she doesn't want it. Its just walk by me in the hall turn away when I try to hug her, shower alone, get away from me whenever she can. I have no adult companionship. This is usually my favorite time of year. Our anniversary is in a week, and she wants nothing to do with me. She says given the circumstances and how she feels I should be happy she is even here, but I'm not, I want that love we shared back. I say shared because it's not there anymore at least not on her end. At what point do do I say enough and look for that compainionship elsewhere? Or do I just sit here miserable swallow my feeling and wait until shes ready to show me that again. I am dying inside with this roomate attitude. I want to hold her to show my love and yes even to have that love acknowledged, is that selfish? She seems to think so. I dunno, the stuff is eating at me again. She wants to "go out to her moms tonight again which of course means she'll end up at the bar but what do I do? I'm almost tired of trying....


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## the guy

You can find what makes you happy, her behavior is not, so spend it with the kids, friends or hoppies. If somehow you find away to focus on the things that are working for you and spend the energy on the positive things that will help lessen the pain. Except that the hurt will be there, but to sit around dwelling on it and not go out and find some small amout of happiness will eat you up. I suggest you might even look for some alone time at the place that will give you time to think. Like fishing, hiking, exploring, casino, an enviorment that will help relieve some stress. Visit an old friend or a long drive. I quess something that will take your mind off your marriage (for a little bit) and give you time to just think about you, and only you and what you want in the future that my not include your wife.

Think about your self with regard to how you will move on without your wife. She will not come around until she stops getting her needs met from someone or something else, so the possibity of her not being in your future is real and coming to terms with that will help in planing for your future. As painful as that thought is, your kids have alot of growing to do and they will need their dad to be healthy both emotional and physicaly. 

Having the kids see a loveless marriage will not show them how to love their spouses. The best examble you can show the kids is how to be happy. I grow up with parents that didn't show love for each other and it has effected me with my relationship with my wife. I wish my role models were better but they werent, so now I struggle. My parent were a good mom and dad, so I believe I'm a good parent, just not such a good spouse. Something to think about.


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## AeroXlll

Thanx TG, I am trying very hard to just go do something to take my mind off of all this. When I get alone I just replay events and over analize (27+ year learned behavior). I suggested tonight that instead of one of s left at the house while the other "goes out" why not go do something together. Her response was indifferent to say the least. I can tell she'd rather me not be there though. What do you do? May just let her go out as honestly I don't want to go anywhere I am tired. I'd love to spend the night with her but if it's more important to "have her space" and go out to the bars with her friends then I'm not going to block her on it not tonight I'm just to tired. Thanx again for checkin in on me TG, our talks and knowing that I'm not alone has really helped me, and that is the honest truth.


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## AeroXlll

Well tonight was beautiful to me. Thankfully either my W was to tired to go out or she just never got a call back from her friends. We spent the night together just watching TV she even let me give her a back massage. I don't know why the sudden change of heart and I cold tell she wasn't completely comfortable but it was still nice just her being there. I hope this is the turning point I've been waiting for.


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## the guy

It may be to soon to tell, the good thing is you approached her in a positive way, with no discusion of her bad behaviors, now thats great, along with the back rub she is.. hopefully second quessing her behaviors.

I think it must be hard for her to except attension from you when she knows she is doing wrong. I think she gets distant from you because she doesn't like being being treated so good by you and at the same time behave badly towards you. Does that make sense?

For some people it might be hard to be nice to someone in front of them and still treat them poorly behind there back. For me I would feel guilty if someone was treating me nice and I didn't return the same treatment. So, I'm thinking your W treats you bad so that you will treat her bad. I appears her plan is not working. I'm hoping as long as her safe place(home) is comfotable enough she will be around more. This is the point I was making in the beganing of the thread.

We can only pray that she has had a falling out with her bad influences, and no longer want to be a part of that enviorment and she was not "just tired" . I hope the week end is great and keep those dark thoughts away.

I remember one time when my wife was heading out the door, I jumped up and said I wanted to go with. She about sh*t her pants.
She start telling me that it was invite only and that there wasn't enough room for me. I just laughed and sat back down, replying "thats a good one". I was so tired that night, I really didn't want to go out, but I wanted to see what she'd say. It amazes me the kind of excusses they come up with to go out with out there husbands.


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## AeroXlll

Thats what she told me last night whenI offered to go out with her. That it was a "her and her friend only thing", I now know the only reason she didn't go out is because her friend didn't hit her back. I enjoyed the time I had with her as it is more than I have gotten as of late but I think it will jst go back to more of the same. I don't think me being nice and her not is bothering her at all, today it is more of the same from her. Cordial but distant and unloving. I'll take what I can get but with our anniversary and the holidays so close my heart is hurting and empty. The whole season feels very shallow to me especially when compared to our last 7 years. At least the kids are happy and excited. It puts a smile on my face and lifts my heart at least temporarily. I think as she starts to see that I am still the same man she fell in love with and not her father things will get worse before they get better as she tries to justify her negative actions and feelings against me. I told her last night if all I could do with her comfortably right now is hold her hand then I would take that above getting the room8 attitude 24-7. It's like she is acting out a script and expects me not to notice, I guess she doesn't realize that like she says about knowing who I am I know her as well. The look I get from her every time I look into hers eyes absolutely slices my heart open, and then I force a smile and walk away because I know thats what she wants. I don't wish this kind of emotional pain on my worst enemy, the sad thing is I know she is hurt to and it kills me more not only to know that I caused it but that I can't fix it. Don't know what'll happen today but I'm gonna take the kids out to a christmas festivle tonight when she goes to work at least that will get my mind off things.


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## AeroXlll

oh and as of tommorrow it'll be another 2 weeks sober.


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## the guy

Congrads. keep up the good work.
You will have a awsome time with the kids. 

You are so correct, it is a script and its the sameone my W had and many others on this site. Have you checked out some of the Affaircare link/site? There is alot of good reading that will help in getting some additional understanding in what is going on and some great tools in how to handle this crap.


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## AeroXlll

yeah I've been reading it even ask her to participate in some of the surveys and read some of the articles that have disrciptions of exactly what her behavior is but she jst thinks its BS and doesn't apply to our situation...


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## AeroXlll

Had an amazing time with the kids tonight, felt good to be able to do it on my own. W got in around 330am, ofcourse smelled like a liqure cabnit again. And she was angry and even more stand offish than normal. It's like every time she goes to work her love clock for me goes back to zero regardless of how good it's been during the week. It's the MFing holidays and I'll be damned if I'm not going to feel some sort of adult love and companionship during them. Yeah I'm a little angry or resentful....some emotion akin to that right now. She gave me the lamest excuse in the world not to toch her tonight, "I'm good" she said when I rested my hand on her back, "You just not want me to touch you at all then?", "not now I hurt" she said. 3 months ago that would have been the point she most wanted to be touched. I'm must B a dang moron for dealing with this, she needs help just as bad if not more so than I do. At least I can forgive her her transgressions, she's holding onto mine like a lifeline.......and now I can't sleep.


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## the guy

As you know, you can't help them until they want the help.
Look at it this way, you are going to deal with this crap no matter what. What I mean is; if she left, if you left, stay dogether, even if she came back to you, you would still have to deal with it. Life is funny that way. What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. When a spouse causes that much hurt things will never be the same. For me they are better. Its been a few weeks sinse you cuaght her kissing and things seem to be getting worse, or staggnent, so a plan needs to be developed and what you want out of life. Make a plan and work the plan, understand all the consequences, along with the positive of your plan and stick with it. 

I can see your marriage being like this for a long time. Mine was and I excepted her BS behavior and dismissed our relationship for years. That was my plan some 13 years ago. I stayed for convienence and the whole "its cheaper to keep her" line of thought.


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## AeroXlll

yeah I dunno what to do consequenses all around, go think this stuff over a few days pretty much was standoffish my self to her today, I think she took notice but didn't care if that makes any sense it's like she wants to play billy badass I don't need you but wants me to need her.....gonna think it over.


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## the guy

I think you need to be more standoffish in a passive aggresive way.


I have noticed that alot lately at TAM, there are some folks that are getting treated like doormats b/c spouse knows they can get away with it. I think it BS to let spouse know you care, your better off acting like you and me acted when our chicks still cared and we didn't. 

Well, we made our beds...... 


This sh*t is going to push you to the limit, stay close to the kids they'll keep you grounded. and take the few days to come up with the plan, and work the plan, you really need one at this point. Before, long it will be a year and you'll still be at the same point your were at Nov.2010.


Remember you can afford to push her a way at this point. do you see any inprovement? Is she still leaving in the middle of the night?

I do not know for sure, put pushing her away may be the rock bottom she needs?


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## AeroXlll

dunno man, we went to a friends house with the kids after she got off work yesterday at her request. She had of course had a few at work. Has some more at our friends, they see how.....distant?/unemotional she is to me. But then l8r after every1 goes to bed I looked at her and just wanted so bad to kiss her and I did and we made love... Dunno she couldn't look at me the entire time. Then she acted like she had just made a mistake afterwards so. Dunno shes hiding even more **** from me now, she only takes to her "friends" or her mom if they are face to face as she knows now after being caught so much lieing and decieving (just not being transparent and honest) that I can find out what she's doing if I need or want to. I made the mistake of asking her mom if anything I was doing was making a difference, or if she had any idea what my W's intentions are. She never responded. I don't know but all the subtle signs point to that she is not invested in our relationship anymore, and may even be "on the hunt again". I don't think she's cheating, but she may be looking. Who knows I tried to take last night at face value and just accept it as progress, but her body language and attitude portray a different story. I have a theropy consult tommorrow to see someone about make a viable plan given the kids and my goals. Well see what the shrink thinks.


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## AeroXlll

So went to my intial counsling eval today...now I know why so many people slip or remain alcoholics. The staff treats you like a criminal and or a number to mark off a list then they schedual your sessions a month out!!! Hell by the time I see a real counseler about my problems I'll have been over a month sober by myself! On another note, me and the W had a good convo the other day using the quizzes out affair care. She thought they were bull**** of course but hey she took them. I asked her to be more transparent and she even gave me a heads up as to what she is doing tonight yesterday! But, she just found out she can't spend more than $20 dollars while shes out and got all kinds of red in the face. She said endless soup and breadsticks at olive garden, that runs $5.99 pluss tip round here. Movie ticket is $10 bucks. So I think thats a decent budget, I just realized something though, resteraunts in the area stop seating at 9 she said her movie was at 9:10.....guess I'll go see what she says. and "sorry I didn't inform you of my change in plans" *pissy attitude* it's almost funny to me now see how she reacts when the hand is in the cookie jar, lot of good talking does. oh well I got stuff to do.


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## the guy

Be carefull man, rubbing this sh*t in her face can be a push away. But you may want to reminder her that when she wants to talk honestly that you will listen. She won't get it and that will start another fight. I quess you now how to handle her lies, I'm just saying "ask her no guestions and she will tell you no lies" but on the other hand its nice to beable to let your kids know were their moms at.

It does give a positive vibe that she even took the quiz, last week she won't touch it. 

Why can't her "friend" pay for dinner and a movie. 

My wifes "friend" at least paid for gas.


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## AeroXlll

Ok so it's been a few days and things have gotten better between my wife and I, thats not to say they are good but better than they were. Our anniversary was today but nothing was special about it to her which hurt, I did get a "happy anniversary" out of her bt it felt like lip service. All this supposed progress has comes at a cost however, to my happiness and for lack of a better term self respect. The guy she cheated on me with apparently got drunk and was roughhousing with his friends one night and shattered his leg now he's outta work and gonna lose his aprt. his truck and job (this info is via my W) My problem is that now she has opened back up communication with him and is trying to hide it from me. I have not accused or anything, I am just making notes about the Phone calls. In the site you sent me to, a No Contact stipulation was crucial to the healing proccess and she refuses to cut ties with this dude. I'm worried sympathy for his current situation will turn into something more. But I know if I confront her about it she is jst going to get defensive on me and turn it around. So, I have been biting my tounge and just observing but it is again eating at me. I know I sond like a broken record but I want to make sure that at least I am doing whats right for us and our marraige. That way if it does go to ****e I will know I did what I can. Isn't it wrong for her to still be talking to this guy especially after she told me that she no longer would? Should I just keep biting my tounge and observing even if they get close again (if they aren't already) What do I do now? PS: 3 weeks sober tommorrow ;-)


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## the guy

Ok marine, you do not want this affair to strengthen. Its good that you are taking notes, but get some hard evidence and confront her with emails or pictures something that varifies her lies and force her hand stop all contact with OM or leave.


I know the Holidays are important to you so just something to discuss with your theripst. Set your self a time line once you can get undenialable evidence of her continueing the affair and then confront her and her family and her employer.


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## AeroXlll

Update as of today: So over the last three months I've gathered little peices of evidence to my w's affair with my now EX-friend. in the last month 1/2 I even went so far as to have them both followed and investigated. I uncovered that this is not the first time my w has strayed. It happened with another guy about 4 1/2 years ago. ( I have a security feed from her old work of the 2 of them in the act.) But on to this problem. I confronted her with the information I had last night after I gave her one last chance to be honest with me. She boldface lied and I said ok I'm done, and told her she may want to get a lawyer as I already had one secured. She asked why and I told her because of your affair with said EX-friend.She said what affair this is [email protected]# at which point I started naming specifics about the affair, specifics she thought she hid well but didn't I let her know I had photo and video evidence of infidelty and that I was going to turn it into my my lawyer and that after she obtained one her lawyer could request the evidence that I had for the case. At this point she came....slightly clean, she admitted to the few events I had mentioned although there are quite a few more, 3 months worth. Then she wanted to talk....so we did and it was the first talk where she actually admitted her errors and her feeling for OM and that she still loved me very deeply and wanted to be with me. I told her I felt the same way, but that if she ever was cauth contacting OM either directly or indirectly I was going through with the divorce and moving on. I also told her that she obliterated my trust in her and that I would continue to have her and OM investigated until I didn't feel the need for it anymore. The rest of the night was good. We actually made love, real honest to god like honeymoon love making, and we cried and we held eachother for the first time in I don't know how long. I still have more intel on her F'd up activities coming in everyday, and to be honest I don't trust her word about the no contact thing. I'm very conflicted right now. I'm happy she wants to be with me but I'm scared to let my gaurd down at all. I want to believe it's over between them but I know if she doesn't pursue him he will pursue her. On another note I'd really like to take the guys legs out but know it will just cause more issues. So thats where I stand in this reconcile, resentment limbo. Where should I go from here?


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## AeroXlll

Been a long time since I've visited this forum. Just an update me and my wife made it through the affair and our marrige is better for it. We better understand both our strenghts and weaknesses, and I was able to quit drinking for good (over a year now) just for all those out there going through the same story, know that you can make it you can survive. Thanx to all those who supported me through the whole ordeal. Good luck.


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## DanF

Good for you.
I'm proud of you.


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## Shaggy

So how are you proofing your marriage to prevent her from cheatng again?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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