# Lack of sex drive...I think.



## jetthecat (Oct 18, 2012)

This is my first post and first time on this site, I am hoping for some advice or input or anything really. 
Some brief history (for what its worth) I have been with my husband for 7 years, he is 27 and I'm 24 we have a 6 year old son. When we were first together we had sex at least 2 times a day, we were always kissing, which led to sex. Then I became pregnant and it halted to several times a week for about 2 years. Then it dropped off to once a week sometimes more. Now, it's maybe once every two weeks with me giving oral (grudging I'll admit) about once a week. 
It's not that I'm not attracted to him, its timing mostly. When he's at work I think about sex all the time, I fantasize about where we'll have sex and how. BUT, then our son comes home and I start dinner and then he comes home and I'll start kissing him but he's trying to wind down after work and I feel rejected. Not that we could have sex then anyways, we'd have to wait till after the kiddo goes to bed. But by that time were watching tv and the moment is gone. So basically I want to have sex when we cant and when we can I'm out of the "moment". As I write this down I realize i sound crazy. 
He is a wonderful guy and he always tells me I'm better looking/ sexier than the day we met. He is always trying to get me out of my funk, about body image. I have lost weight and feel better about myself now.
In the past and apparently currently, I am making him miserable, he used to be so confident and ****y and now I've made him feel unwanted. He thinks that I am bored with him and at one point in time he seriously though i was cheating, which I didn't, wouldn't and have never even gotten close to. He feels he has to force me to have sex as a chore, which I see his point. I have turned him down so many times over the last couple years that he doesn't even try anymore. 
He recently said that he wants to start working out so that I don't leave. And then sent me a text that said "it seams like I'm always forcing you (pertaining to sex) and you wonder why I want to change myself, I feel very mentally sick all the time and I don't tell you because you just treat me like **** because I'm not giving you attention or you act like I'm making it up." 
I love him and the last thing I wanted to do was to make him feel bad about himself. 

We are (I am) so stuck in a rut I don't know what to do. 

I want to have sex more, but I don't know how to, I guess. 
Sex just isn't the same it's really not as fun as it used to be and I know we were so young, but I want that fun back. Our lives are just kind of boring now, including our sex life.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Shower together after your son goes to bed? Morning sex? Noonies (if you both can be home at noon)?

Continued turning a guy down will make him less likely to initiate. If this is a concern for you, don't turn him down. Try to let him get you "in the moment". Some women have suggested "fake it until you make it". You can try that.


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## jetthecat (Oct 18, 2012)

I really appreciate the reply. 

He has stopped initiating b/c of all the times I have turned him down, and he resents me so when I initiate he turns me down, playing he says. So that I know how he feels. I understand wanting to make me feel the way I made him feel, but the issue is it feeds into my insecurities and makes me feel bad about myself. Which in turn starts this cycle all over again. 
Not to mention, Its been so long since we've had "fun" sex that its hard for me to get turned on... Oh the problems...


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

jetthecat said:


> I really appreciate the reply.
> 
> *He has stopped initiating b/c of all the times I have turned him down, and he resents me so when I initiate he turns me down, playing he says. So that I know how he feels. I understand wanting to make me feel the way I made him feel,* but the issue is it feeds into my insecurities and makes me feel bad about myself. Which in turn starts this cycle all over again.
> Not to mention, Its been so long since we've had "fun" sex that its hard for me to get turned on... Oh the problems...


Sorry, that is wrong of him. Two wrongs don't make a right. He needs to stop that, as it's only making things worse.

As for your situation, you say you get turned on when he's at work, but when he comes home you lose it? Maybe you just enjoy the fantasy of sex and not sex itself?

I'd try this. The next time you are in the mood during the day, don't kiss him right when he gets home. You say he likes to unwind, so let him unwind for 30 minutes or so. Then go over to him, give him a big kiss, wink at him and tell him you'd like to get reconnected later that night. Let him know exactly what you have in mind.

Also, a day or two after the next time you have sex, sit him down for a sex talk. Tell him you understand he's built up resentment due to the constant rejection and that it's ok. But he needs to start letting it go. Let him also know this is something you really want to work on and you need him to help with it that. You aren't promising sex each time he wants it right now, but you are promising to try and work on the issue. Let him know how much you love him and that you don't want this to get in the way.

Also, why can't you have sex when the child is awake? Put on a cartoon and go sneak off for a quickie once in a while. Or if you are worried about your child being unattended, put a lock on his door and convince him to go play in his room for 15 minutes, then lock the door and sneak off. I mean, he's six now. I'm a parent to five kids, and my youngest is five. If I waited until my kids were in bed before I had sex all the time, i wouldn't have five kids and I'd drink a lot more.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> Shower together after your son goes to bed? Morning sex? Noonies (if you both can be home at noon)?
> 
> Continued turning a guy down will make him less likely to initiate. If this is a concern for you, don't turn him down. Try to let him get you "in the moment". Some women have suggested "fake it until you make it". You can try that.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

jetthecat said:


> But by that time were watching tv and the moment is gone. So basically I want to have sex when we cant and when we can I'm out of the "moment"


Spend time figuring out how to get yourself in the mood. Be confident that you can have a second wind and get aroused. When you're watching TV, tell your H you want to have sex in 30 minutes and give him a sexy french kiss or whisper what you are going to do to him. Then go off to the bathroom and take a hot bath or shower, put sexy lingerie on, perfume, and touch yourself 'down there' for a couple minutes until you feel horny (maybe even use a quiet bullet vibe for a minute). Look at a couple minutes of your favorite porn or romantic video clip on your smart phone, or hot passage you've earmarked in a book or a sexy note he wrote you once. Come out and attack him with a hard passionate kiss and start undressing him. Or do a striptease. Tell him what you want him to do to you. Don't take 'no' for an answer (he doesn't really want to turn you down, he wants you to prove you want him by not giving up). 

This will work on an HD guy (like yours), but sadly would scare away an LD guy.

It is YOUR responsibility to learn what gets you in the mood, and then do it. If your libido is low these days, you cannot just wait around for the 'tingles' to hit you or for him to hit the perfect button that turns you on at exactly the right time. YOU can make it fun and exciting. It sounds like you are passively expecting him to make it fun for you and turn you on. Because of the turn-downs so he doesn't feel confident in being very flirty or coming on to you like a caveman, he's afraid he'll crash and burn. So it's up to you to make sex the way you want it to be and turn yourself on, and give him confidence again. I'm not saying you have to take control during the whole session, but until his confidence is back, you need to initiate in a very passionate way, just to get it started. Once it is hot and heavy, then you can say 'Do with me what you will' or tell him to choose a position and take control of you, and he can then be the more active one. If your libido is low, maybe incorporate a vibrator into your sessions. Ask him to use the vibrator on you while you do a BJ.

Also, do Kegel exercises every day, it can help your orgasms be stronger and will help you get aroused more easily.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

For every time you turned him down, you should initiate 3 times. By the time you are "even" he'll have his confidence back and will start initiating. You broke this. Now fix it.


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## Finchley Argon (Oct 18, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> For every time you turned him down, you should initiate 3 times. By the time you are "even" he'll have his confidence back and will start initiating. You broke this. Now fix it.


That seems fair.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Seems fair to me too. But it's hard work, and I don't get the impression that the OP is up for doing the hard work, sadly.


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