# he isnt letting me visit my family!



## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

Just so frustrated that I feel as if my head is going to explode. My husband has always had problem with me visiting my family in India. in 2010, my dad was seriously ill and I wanted to go and see him and I had to beg him for months to let me go. Then my dad was diagnosed with cancer and doctors said that he only has a two months, thats when he said that I can go but only when the holidays are going to start because if I had taken the time off, I wouldnt have gotten paid for it. So I ended up going during winter break! and I am glad I did because my dad passed away in May of 2011.

I havent been to India after my dad and it is so hard living away after that. I have been wanting to go and see my family but I also understand that financially it wasnt possible to go in the frist year as I was back in Uni then and I didnt have a job. My intention was to go in Dec of 2012 as I started working in August but my husband didnt allow me saying that we cant afford it when I knew we can. When I suggested going during the Easter break, he said that I can go during summer holidays.So today, I checked out tickets etc and said that I wanted to go when the school finishes in June and he said that since I want to go, he doesnt want me to go and if I go, I will be responsible for the consequences. When I reminded him about what he said before, he just said that he is not discussing it anymore!

What shall I do? I am so mad 

for some background, here is a link of my previous posts
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/64142-thinking-separation.html


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Divorce him?

If my wife wanted to visit her family in India, there'd by no problem!


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## SalvageMyMarriage (Apr 6, 2013)

Has it always been like that since you've got married?
Have you both sat down and talk about the real reason why he is not letting you return home?

If it is financials, I will suggest talking to him nicely and work out a "schedule" together - get him to allow you to return home twice every year? Fix the dates a year ahead. 

Does he go back with you? Maybe try asking him to accompany you to go back together. Tell him to take it as an opportunity to travel and have a vacation together? I am assuming he is not from India as well.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

Remind him that you are not his child. If it is important to you to go back to see your family ( as is to be expected when you live away), then it should be important to him as well. 
Failing that, I would just tell him what you're going to do and go do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Unless there are financial reasons for him not wanting you to go, he should be encouraging you to visit your family - with him, preferably, accompanying you. 

Discuss the financial aspect of your trip with him, of course, but don't _ask_ him if you can go. Providing your budget can afford it, you have every right to visit your family without any pouting or guilt trips from your H.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

You don't seem like an equal partner in the marriage. Is he considerably older than you? Is he from a different culture? Do you not have access to money? It sounds like he controls the money and he has access to the money and you need his permission. Tickets from Scotland (is that where you are?) to India must be expensive, but surely you can budget and save for it especially if you know months ahead of time you're going on a trip.


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

SalvageMyMarriage said:


> Has it always been like that since you've got married?
> Have you both sat down and talk about the real reason why he is not letting you return home?
> 
> If it is financials, I will suggest talking to him nicely and work out a "schedule" together - get him to allow you to return home twice every year? Fix the dates a year ahead.
> ...


He has been like this since we got married. His family is here so he doesnt feel the need to go! If finances were an issue, I would have understood it but I know we can afford it without a problem. I am willing to save up for it but whenever I bring it up, he always has an excuse to stop me. Last night was different because I mentioned that money isnt an issue, so why is he stopping me and he said, "because I dont want it and it doesnt matter if you do. You will only go when I want it!"...


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

TeaLeaves4 said:


> Remind him that you are not his child. If it is important to you to go back to see your family ( as is to be expected when you live away), then it should be important to him as well.
> Failing that, I would just tell him what you're going to do and go do it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thats what I am going to do.... The only problem is, he will probably not let me back in the house again and I will be taking a huge risk. It has happened before with something else so I have to keep it all secret till I am going...


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> You don't seem like an equal partner in the marriage. Is he considerably older than you? Is he from a different culture? Do you not have access to money? It sounds like he controls the money and he has access to the money and you need his permission. Tickets from Scotland (is that where you are?) to India must be expensive, but surely you can budget and save for it especially if you know months ahead of time you're going on a trip.


I have my own back account and my pay comes in it. But yes, he controls major expenses and I have no say in any financial decisions that he makes. He is 8 years older than me but he is from the same culture as mine. he has become very controlling for the past couple of years! Tickets are expensive but when I checked them yesterday, they were at a reasonably good price and thats why I thought I will check with him before doing it (thats his another condition that I shall ask him before doing anything  )


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

The issue of visiting your family is only symptomatic of a much deeper issue in your marriage that I think you understand. Your husband is controlling and treating you like an inferior person. You need to decide if you are willing to live like this and I not, if he is unwilling to change, what you will do.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Aren't you the poster who wanted to take driving lessons and your husband locked you out of the house because you went without his permission?

Aren't you the poster who's husband made her cook dinner at a late hour even though you already had a prepared meal for him ready. After you fixed the new meal at the late hour, he REFUSED to eat it and ate the already-prepared meal because the whole charade was about CONTROL?

I apologize sincerely if these two examples are NOT from your previous postings, but you being an Indian woman in Scotland with a RIDICULOUSLY controlling husband seemed familiar.


Note: If these ARE your stories, then *this* is EXACTLY why I suggest that people don't start new threads all the time. Makes it difficult to get the FULL PICTURE unless everything is in one place. If these ARE your stories, you should go to the FIRST POST on THIS THREAD and edit it to add a link to your PREVIOUS post!


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

I didnt mean to increase the number of threads on the forum. Since it was different, I posted it under the appropriate sub-section. 
I have put a link of the previous post!
Apologies....


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I don't think you should apologise. It's easy enough to look at your old threads.
I think you need to get away from your husband, he is abusive. 

I hope you keep posting and I wish you luck.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

*No need to apologize, Alisa!* (I'm sorry if YOU thought so!)

My point is: NOW with your additional link, people are getting the WHOLE story.

They are not likely to think 

this is a money problem, or 
this is a 'can't live without my wife while she goes back home to India for a couple of months' problem, or 
this is a one-off problem he has

They can see that *THIS* is just indicative of his entire character. This is how he behaves in THIS and EVERY situation. Therefore, their advice can NOW reflect the ENTIRETY of your marital discord.

A more complete story, give YOU more complete, more salient answers! It wouldn't do any good for people to tell you, "Oh, he's just gonna MISS you, honey!" when, by viewing everything, it's OBVIOUS this is part of a years-long PATTERN of controlling you.

We just want the BEST ADVICE possible for you, alisa! Looks as though you've been through a lot!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Does any of this apply to you?

#5 - Insecurity 
Your partner is very insecure because of a previous relationship or maybe as a child growing up. Lack of attention or negative attention can lead to insecurity. If your new partner shows signs of insecurity, let it be a warning sign.

Some signs may include: 
-low self esteem or not sure of them self 
-talk as if they are not worthy

With these characteristics, the abuser will use them to belittle you to get you to their level. Although it is sad for them, don't allow them to put you through that. You are worthy.

#4 - Controlling 
Your partner may not allow you to interact with other people. Sometimes not even family members or friends. They want you all to them self. It kind of feels like being in a trap or cage. It is especially hard if you are outgoing and love people. There are other ways to control you as well.

With emotional abuse the control is in the mind and your feelings. The abuser will cut you down or belittle you. I have found that they tend to shift the blame on you or want you to feel sorry for them.

#3 - Selfishness 
They lack the attention they really desire to have because they are already insecure, so they are always worried about themselves, alone. They want to know what is in it for them, no matter what. They will tell you things to make you feel good as long as they get what they want out of it.

Even when it comes to your feelings or emotions, they will not comfort you in anyway. This can cause you to become either hard or just break. It is not fun. I have expressed in a previous article that women need that emotional security. It is one thing not to get it and a whole other thing to have your emotions destroyed.

#2 - Manipulation 
The abuser tends to make you feel that it is all your fault. They can't seem to come to terms that they are the one causing the pain. They shift blame and they don't want to understand you. They make you feel inferior. They like to play mind games as well. That is also part of control.

Some forms of manipulation include: 
-lack of communication 
-cold shoulder/no eye contact

They tend to shut down which is a form of manipulation and control. I know you have heard it said that communication is key in a relationship. YES it is, very much so.

#1 - Anger and Violence 
The abuser will yell out in anger. They can 'turn on a dime' with mood swings. It doesn't become physical abuse until they hit or hurt you in any way. Well it is emotional and psychological abuse when they do it to them self.

Some signs of anger and violence: 
-they harm them self 
-break things or throw them


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

alisa said:


> Thats what I am going to do.... The only problem is, he will probably not let me back in the house again


Good!

You'll be better off without him!


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> *No need to apologize, Alisa!* (I'm sorry if YOU thought so!)
> 
> My point is: NOW with your additional link, people are getting the WHOLE story.
> 
> ...


Thanks SGW
I understand your point clearly and yes, it makes more sense if people know the background of it as well!


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Given these multiple problems, do you wish to remain in this marriage?


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

turnera said:


> Does any of this apply to you?
> 
> #5 - Insecurity
> Your partner is very insecure because of a previous relationship or maybe as a child growing up. Lack of attention or negative attention can lead to insecurity. If your new partner shows signs of insecurity, let it be a warning sign.
> ...


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

Maneo said:


> Given these multiple problems, do you wish to remain in this marriage?


I dont want to be the coward to walk away without giving it a full effort but on the same note, my regrets in this marriage are getting bigger with each day! If he doesnt fix things, then I have made up my mind to walk away! I cant change him but \i am free to decide my own future!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Alisa:
> his attitude about my visit to my family because he "thinks" that we cant afford it (when we easily can!)


 Perhaps he fears you will go home to visit your family in India and NEVER want to return to live with him?



> I dont want to be the coward to walk away without giving it a full effort


Just know that WORDS can hurt JUST AS BADLY AS (sometimes WORSE than) fists! You *ARE* being abused, alisa!

**hugs* *

we worry for you!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> He is actually the opposite with regards to his childhood experience. He was the first born son after 4 daughters so everyone treated him in a special way. He has the confidence and attitude that he knows best and whatever he decides to do is always right!!
> Because of this, he is always telling me how to do things (I married him at a young age so never voiced my opinions much, also I moved here from India so it took me a while to familiarise myself with everything and my MIL is super controlling too so that didnt help much!


I will disagree with your assessment. When someone is treated like God, they DOUBT themselves even more. Why? Because they did nothing to EARN that title, so they KNOW the people spoiling them are lying. So they doubt their own value. They learn to ACT the part, but they secretly learn toxic shame and fear everyone will find out their dirty secret - that they really are nothing special. Add in a controlling mother...you get an abuser.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

alisa said:


> I dont want to be the coward to walk away without giving it a full effort but on the same note, my regrets in this marriage are getting bigger with each day! If he doesnt fix things, then I have made up my mind to walk away! I cant change him but \i am free to decide my own future!


 Have you read the book Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men yet? If not, do it this week. 

HE WILL NOT CHANGE.

Ok? Let me say it again. HE WILL NOT CHANGE. Any efforts you make to 'make life better' for him will only be USED to further control you.

Read the book. Now.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you remember the woman who drowned all her kids? I worked with her husband. He was friends with my best friends. He was abusive. He controlled her mercilessly. He made her live in a BUS. She was not allowed to go anywhere except the Christian book store. She was not allowed to contact her family. _She had no hope._ Yet from what I know, he never touched her, never raised a hand against her. She lost all hope simply due to his EMOTIONAL ABUSE. Just like you're getting. She KILLED HER CHILDREN because of what he did. Please don't stay too long, or you will not be able to leave. You will lose hope, too.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh I just WISH I had a husband who told me I couldn't go visit my dying father.

It would not end pretty.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

turnera said:


> She KILLED HER CHILDREN because of what he did.


Um, she killed her children because she chose to. Does that make the abuse better? Hell no. But she had a choice in the matter. Nobody MADE her off her kids.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree to a point. But it would never have happened if not for him.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I vote for going also. Let him deal with his irrationality and if he suggests something stupid that's his problem.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

alisa said:


> I dont want to be the coward to walk away without giving it a full effort


Alisa, you have given this marriage way more of yourself than it deserves. He is a leech feeding on the blood of your soul.

(EDIT: i initially said: The cowardly thing would be to stay. -- But i want to take that back. Staying is NOT cowardly, *and I am sure has taken much courage so far, too.*But it is not an obligation either. There is honor, even, in asserting yourself by leaving, if you choose.) It takes courage to extricate oneself from the "life" with an abuser.

I suspect from your other threads you will make the best choice for you, when you get some things settled. Keep that spark alive inside you that hungers to live with joy, peace, and love.

The world is full of men that would cherish you. Your husband is not one, at least not now, and won't be forced to change if you stay there.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

PieceOfSky said:


> Alisa, you have given this marriage way more of yourself than it deserves. He is a leech feeding on the blood of your soul.
> 
> (EDIT: i initially said: The cowardly thing would be to stay. -- But i want to take that back. Staying is NOT cowardly, *and I am sure has taken much courage so far, too.*But it is not an obligation either. There is honor, even, in asserting yourself by leaving, if you choose.) It takes courage to extricate oneself from the "life" with an abuser.
> 
> ...


I edited this a time or two since posting. I made a significant error in my knee-jerk response that needed to be fixed!


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Aren't you the poster who wanted to take driving lessons and your husband locked you out of the house because you went without his permission?
> 
> Aren't you the poster who's husband made her cook dinner at a late hour even though you already had a prepared meal for him ready. After you fixed the new meal at the late hour, he REFUSED to eat it and ate the already-prepared meal because the whole charade was about CONTROL?
> 
> ...


You are just like the poster's husband, VERY controlling! I would kindly suggest you stop with the control-talk!


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

alisa said:


> I didnt mean to increase the number of threads on the forum. Since it was different, I posted it under the appropriate sub-section.
> I have put a link of the previous post!
> Apologies....


No reason to apologize. You did NOTHING wrong. Please ignore the control freaks on this site. It is sad that you are tormented by a controlling husband, then you come here for help and get controlled by a fellow member. Create as many threads as you see fit.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

And *I* would kindly suggest that YOU read the ENTIRE thread, WalterWhite.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

FWIW, I have multiple threads, and likely will have more. I tend to start a new one, in a different section of this board, when I want to get the perspective of people with a specific sort of experience (CopingWithInfidelity vs. SexInMarriage vs. ConsideringSeparationAndDrivorce vs. Financial). 

That need not cause anyone to miss anything. If you view someone's profile, look on it's "Statistics" tab, you can find links to every thread that person started.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> And *I* would kindly suggest that YOU read the ENTIRE thread, WalterWhite.


I did. I read the entire thread. My comment still stands.


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

PieceOfSky said:


> FWIW, I have multiple threads, and likely will have more. I tend to start a new one, in a different section of this board, when I want to get the perspective of people with a specific sort of experience (CopingWithInfidelity vs. SexInMarriage vs. ConsideringSeparationAndDrivorce vs. Financial).
> 
> That need not cause anyone to miss anything. If you view someone's profile, look on it's "Statistics" tab, you can find links to every thread that person started.


I wasnt aware of this feature! Thanks for pointing it out!


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

a wee update. I had a job interview and I was in the last 4 candidates for 2 posts but when I spoke to him about considering accepting the job, he said that he will not let me work so far away (it is about an hour's drive away). I was quite frustrated and really wanted to go for it given there are not many jobs out there and getting a permanent post is quite hard but he said no stating that it will cost a lot! Anyways, I didnt get the job in the end as my Head didnt pass the reference on time but I am quite confused about handling a situation like this if it arise again.

He is willing for me to move to Highlands as he likes the place and will be willing to move there later on if he finds a job there but since he isnt interested in this place, he told me that he doesnt want me to accept the job! I havent talked to him about my plan of moving away and I felt strongly that I should speak to him if something like this arise again. Not sure if it will be safe or not? Any advice?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I think you need to start understanding that he is going to control every step you take while you're married to him. He is not going to change. He is not going to get better. He is not going to let you do anything he doesn't want to do.

Start making your exit plan. You are not his property, nor his prisoner, nor his child. Stop accepting this behavior from him. 

Get another job and move away, go to India and don't come back, whatever you do - get away from him before you disappear as an individual person with a mind of your own.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Of course he doesn't want you to accept the job. Then you'll meet new people who will tell you to leave him. That's what abusers do - they isolate you so you have no chance of getting support.

Why does HE get to say if you can take a job, anyway?

Come on, alisa. You're smarter than that. FIND a job you can get to on your own so you don't need to depend on him. Get a job at the local 7-11 or day care center, but get a job! And do NOT let that money go into his account.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Anyway, in the future, you just look at him and say 'you are not my father, you are my partner. That means that you cannot say what job I can or can't take. I will take the one that makes the most sense to me. But thank you for telling me how you feel.'


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

alisa said:


> I havent talked to him about my plan of moving away and I felt strongly that I should speak to him if something like this arise again. Not sure if it will be safe or not? Any advice?


In what way do you fear it could be unsafe, alisa?

Please don't censor your answer. Tell us what the things you fear here are.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Probably because she knows abuse is almost never cured, control rarely, and the only way you can negotiate with such people is from a distance.


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

turnera said:


> Of course he doesn't want you to accept the job. Then you'll meet new people who will tell you to leave him. That's what abusers do - they isolate you so you have no chance of getting support.
> 
> Why does HE get to say if you can take a job, anyway?
> 
> Come on, alisa. You're smarter than that. FIND a job you can get to on your own so you don't need to depend on him. Get a job at the local 7-11 or day care center, but get a job! And do NOT let that money go into his account.


I am not sure if my last post was misleading. He wants me to get a job but closer to the house. However, when I accepted to go for the interview for this one, I spoke to him and said that if I get it, I will take it and he said yes. Then he told me no when I got the call for reference as they were waiting for mine. Dont know if it was a blessing in disguise or nor because I would have certainly said yes and this would have had a huge impact on how I am planning on taking things forward (I dont intend to leave at this point as it will have a drastic impact on my probation year and this time of year in school is very crucial for my career!)

I have been applying to as many jobs as possible and hopefully I will get one soon! Fingers crossed! Once I get it, I will just buy a ticket for visiting my family and tell him that he can suck it up because I cant make him happy anymore! If he cant, well then goodbye!


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

turnera said:


> Probably because she knows abuse is almost never cured, control rarely, and *the only way you can negotiate with such people is from a distance*.


I am so sick of it now that I cant think of this! 
What bothers me the most is, if anyone see us two together, we look like an absolutely happy couple! and he sure is very happy as long as i do what he wants!


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

PieceOfSky said:


> In what way do you fear it could be unsafe, alisa?
> 
> Please don't censor your answer. Tell us what the things you fear here are.


My biggest fear is getting thrown out of the house. I cant even begin to think of such a terrible thing happening to me. I would hate myself for letting him do this to me! I want to be in charge of planning my future and every step of the way. Its essential for my own confidence!

I am not fearing any physical harm for sure! He will not do it! But he may destroy my stuff (important docs etc) Even if he says that he is fine with me visiting my family, I intend to leave my important stuff and a few clothes in a suitcase at a friend's, in case he change the locks or get rid of my stuff etc.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

alisa said:


> I am so sick of it now that I cant think of this!
> What bothers me the most is, if anyone see us two together, we look like an absolutely happy couple! and he sure is very happy as long as i do what he wants!


Sorry if I'm being to nosy, but I'm not sure exactly what you mean in your first sentence there. You are sick of "it" -- which "it" is it? And what is "this" -- the potential of you leaving, or the potential of "negotiating"?

I hope all our encouragement one direction or the other isn't too overwhelming, but I suspect it just adds to the stress; ultimately, you're the one that has to decide, and live with the decision; we are just bringing our own personal biases to bear on your life, and, ultimately, we are immune from any consequences it has for you.

I wish you had someone local that you could confide in. It must feel very lonely to be the only person in your day-to-day existence that has a clue of the struggle going inside of you.


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

PieceOfSky said:


> Sorry if I'm being to nosy, but I'm not sure exactly what you mean in your first sentence there. You are sick of "it" -- which "it" is it? And what is "this" -- the potential of you leaving, or the potential of "negotiating"?
> 
> I hope all our encouragement one direction or the other isn't too overwhelming, but I suspect it just adds to the stress; ultimately, you're the one that has to decide, and live with the decision; we are just bringing our own personal biases to bear on your life, and, ultimately, we are immune from any consequences it has for you.
> 
> I wish you had someone local that you could confide in. It must feel very lonely to be the only person in your day-to-day existence that has a clue of the struggle going inside of you.


by "it" I meant the control and how he dictates everything to me! I wasnt referring to anyone on this forum!


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

alisa said:


> My biggest fear is getting thrown out of the house. I cant even begin to think of such a terrible thing happening to me. I would hate myself for letting him do this to me! I want to be in charge of planning my future and every step of the way. Its essential for my own confidence!
> 
> I am not fearing any physical harm for sure! He will not do it! But he may destroy my stuff (important docs etc) Even if he says that he is fine with me visiting my family, I intend to leave my important stuff and a few clothes in a suitcase at a friend's, in case he change the locks or get rid of my stuff etc.



In the US, he would have no right to throw you out of the house. Any attempt would likely end with him spending the night in jail. In the US, the house is marital property, regardless of whose name is on the deed or mortgage. It is up to a judge to decide who lives in it while the divorce proceedings are still on-going.

You must have some very important docs, immigration/passport/visa related.

I'm afraid you don't know what your rights are -- your legal rights, in Scotland, as a woman and a spouse. 

I'm afraid you underestimate what he is capable of -- I'm starting to learn many people are capable of worse things than I ever would have thought (my wife, lying blatantly to my face, repeatedly, in front of my children, for instance). In any case, you need to be very protective of yourself.

The website I mentioned has local resources you could talk to anonymously, and give you some answers and perspective. Particularly relevant, I noticed this on their website, at:

http://www.scotlandsaysno.org.uk/content/victims/how-can-i-get-help-and-what-is-likely-to-happen

_Safety planning

Support agencies can help you create a plan to help you keep safe in your home while deciding what to do. Making a safety plan can help you whether you have decided to stay in your relationship or if you are thinking about leaving.

If you make a safety plan you might want to keep it in your head. If you write it down do not leave it somewhere it might be found. You may wish to leave it with a friend or family member who you trust.

Some things you might consider in making a plan are:

Is there someone you can tell about the violence and perhaps ask them to call the police if, for example, they hear strange noises coming from your house.
If you leave home which places can you go to?
Have you got important phone numbers at hand, e.g. family, support workers, helplines, police?
Can you keep originals or copies of important documents safely? (eg identification, benefit books, birth certificates for you and your children, medical cards, phone card, mobile phone or change for a pay phone, money, bank books, credit cards, keys (house, car, office), medication, driver’s licence, passports, Home Office papers, tenancy agreements, insurance papers, address books, pictures of sentimental value, any proof of abuse, notes, crime reference numbers, names and numbers of professionals you have spoken to)
Are you able to pack some spare clothes in a bag and leave it at a friend’s?
Which part of your home do they feel safest in?
Can you predict times and situations where the violence may occur?
Is there somewhere for your children to go if violence occurs?
Are some areas of your house more dangerous than others? (e.g. bathroom, kitchen?)
To find out more about support agencies, go to our Services Directory._


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you really live in Scotland?


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

PieceOfSky said:


> In the US, he would have no right to throw you out of the house. Any attempt would likely end with him spending the night in jail. In the US, the house is marital property, regardless of whose name is on the deed or mortgage. It is up to a judge to decide who lives in it while the divorce proceedings are still on-going.
> 
> You must have some very important docs, immigration/passport/visa related.
> 
> ...


Hi have checked this website POS and I know that he cannot throw me out as I am the co-owner of the house! I just dont want it to get ugly...Thats all...maybe I am coward! I could have called the police when he did it the first time but I didnt. But on the very day, I decided that I will never give him this satisfaction again!


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

turnera said:


> Do you really live in Scotland?


Yes.... 
why did you ask?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you just put that there for fun, and really lived in the US, I'd know more about your rights, that's all. 

Is there a county agency you can go to to see if you can get some help getting away from him?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

btw...living in Scotland? Jealous!


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

turnera said:


> btw...living in Scotland? Jealous!


Yes there are local shelter services and counseling services! My last job was related with working with young children so I had training on abuse in family and its impact on children. Ironic...isnt it? Never realised it till this december!

I hate the weather here and still dont want to move anywhere else, even England! when I know there are far more jobs down there! apparently with a ratio of 1:50!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

They just announced on the radio that the greater Houston area has approximately 550,000 open jobs to fill. Come over here.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Alisa, you have to get out of this marriage. If you are half owner of the house, when you divorce him, you will get half the $, if there is any equity. There is no good reason at all to stay with this control freak. This isn't what marriage is all about. you are not equal partners. you are subservient to him and he treats you like dirt. get out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Find some legal help and take care of it that way.


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## Rosemary's Granddaughter (Aug 25, 2012)

turnera said:


> Do you remember the woman who drowned all her kids? I worked with her husband. He was friends with my best friends. He was abusive. He controlled her mercilessly. He made her live in a BUS. She was not allowed to go anywhere except the Christian book store. She was not allowed to contact her family. _She had no hope._ Yet from what I know, he never touched her, never raised a hand against her. She lost all hope simply due to his EMOTIONAL ABUSE. Just like you're getting. She KILLED HER CHILDREN because of what he did. Please don't stay too long, or you will not be able to leave. You will lose hope, too.


I remember wondering if he was abusive... While she is responsible for her actions, I do believe he literally drove her nuts.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Sweetie, it going to get ugly, nobody leaves a controlling man in good terms. You need to be smart and legal and you need to get out. I think you over think things because you are scared. That's ok, but you need take action. I don't want to read your post (not that I mind) in five years with you telling us how abusive he is to you and now kids. 

Being cautious is better than being scared. You have had lots of good suggestions and advice but only you can take action. If I could I would go pick you up and take you far away but I can't. You need to act he is only as powerful as you allow him to be, you have the same rights as he does.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

alisa said:


> Then he told me no when I got the call for reference as they were waiting for mine. Dont know if it was a blessing in disguise or nor because I would have certainly said yes and this would have had a huge impact on how I am planning on taking things forward (I dont intend to leave at this point as it will have a drastic impact on my probation year and this time of year in school is very crucial for my career!)


By "drastic impact" on your probation year, I'm not sure what you mean. Do you mean it would emotionally difficult and distracting for you, while you are trying to do a good just with your first full year of teaching?

Or do you fear a different sort of impact, say a logistical one, or financial one?

Also, I didn't quite follow how your chance for the first job fell through. I don't mean to speculate, but is there any chance that he interfered -- like, "forgot" to tell you they called requesting more information?


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

turnera said:


> They just announced on the radio that the greater Houston area has approximately 550,000 open jobs to fill. Come over here.


Wish I can. But I guess staying here would be a better idea for now!


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

mablenc said:


> Sweetie, it going to get ugly, nobody leaves a controlling man in good terms. *You need to be smart*
> Trying to not raise any red flags for the same reason! and legal and you need to get out. I think you over think things because you are scared. That's ok, but you need take action. I don't want to read your post (not that I mind) in five years with you telling us how abusive he is to you and now kids.
> 
> I am working with a timeline because if I am being hasty, I can end up with not finishing my probation year and why should I ruin my career by just being hasty when I only have two more months to finish it off!
> ...


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

PieceOfSky said:


> By "drastic impact" on your probation year, I'm not sure what you mean. Do you mean it would emotionally difficult and distracting for you, while you are trying to do a good just with your first full year of teaching?
> 
> *I have a lot to do in these two months to submit my final profile for full registration with teaching council! If I have stress at home, it will impact my profile, practice and most importantly my health and I dont want that right now! So I am preferring to keep my plans to myself for now and once my profile is submitted at the end of May and something sorted at the job front, I will talk to him*
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

At least Houston has sunshine and no much fog.

Though Scotland is beautiful.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Ok then, I'm glad you have a plan 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> *he said that even I get offered the job, I should say no! *


Well, great, then! He said you SHOULD say no. Therefore, you have every right (you always did) to say YES.

Can you get transportation on your own?


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## Rosemary's Granddaughter (Aug 25, 2012)

Hi, Alisa, I just read all of your posts. I have no doubt that when you leave to see your family, your husband will go beyond locking you out of the house. IMO, you should prepare to never return.

Also, the cruelty he has exhibited thus far should raise scarlet red alarm bells for you--this kind of cruelty leads to actual physical abuse, if not worse. IMO, he has already opened the door to physically abusing you by leaving you in negative degree weather and punishing you during sex. It is not a far leap for him to truly harm you.

It sounds as if he has no conscience--no remorse, as you've stated--and that is a serious and dangerous character flaw.

I hope you carefully plan an escape from him, and please take all of your legal actions from an undisclosed, very distant location.


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

turnera said:


> Well, great, then! He said you SHOULD say no. Therefore, you have every right (you always did) to say YES.
> 
> Can you get transportation on your own?


I honour a relationship where you agree on these type of things mutually but in our case, he does whatever he please and all the rules apply for me! :scratchhead:

I dont have my own car yet! but intend to buy one once I have a job! If I get a job a bit far away, I will move there! hence I may not need it urgently!


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

Rosemary's Granddaughter said:


> Hi, Alisa, I just read all of your posts. * I have no doubt that when you leave to see your family, your husband will go beyond locking you out of the house. IMO, you should prepare to never return.*
> 
> *You just spoke my mind! I dont know what he is capable of anymore! He may throw all my stuff away,most importantly my important docs!, change locks etc and I dont want to give him the chance to do it! I am more than sure that he is capable of doing that if I choose to visit my family without his full consent. *
> 
> ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There are steps to take when you are preparing to leave an abusive man. Some of them include:
Start removing your stuff from the house, one article at a time, so it's gradual and he doesn't realize things are disappearing.
Always keep money and a change of clothes someplace you can get to them easily if you have to leave in a hurry.
If you're working, start putting some of it away in an account he doesn't know about and can't touch.
Research places to live and see what you need to do to qualify for them; start meeting the requirements (deposit, paperwork, etc.).
Let someone else know what you're going to do; arrange to check in with them every 30 minutes for the first day or two, in case he finds you and hurts you, so they can contact the police.

This can take a long time, but knowing you have a plan can give you courage.


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

it is so hard....cant believe it is happening to me! I have all my important docs in one place! i am planning on going to bank and getting a locker so I can put them there! As for the clothes, I have asked a good friend and I will leave some of my stuff there if I am leaving to see my family!


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Alisa, I hope you are careful about not letting him find your activities here -- either by snooping through your browser history on your computers or phone, or of you use an app like Tapatalk on your smart phone.

If you are not an expert at keeping your tracks covered, ask for help. There are experts here.

I don't want to be pushy, you deserve better than that, but I wish you would contact one of the local services listed on the scotlandsaysno website, to help you think through a good safety plan and to give you safe places to go or call for help.


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

PieceOfSky said:


> Alisa, I hope you are careful about not letting him find your activities here -- either by snooping through your browser history on your computers or phone, or of you use an app like Tapatalk on your smart phone.
> 
> *his activities are far more important that worrying about what I search for on web...he is always busy in his own world... thats not an issue!*
> 
> ...


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

If he locks you out, please consider calling the police it's your home too. He just can't do that.


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

i WILL call the police if it happens again! not gonna let it happen to myself again!


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## alisa (Dec 28, 2012)

so a quick update....
this morning, I said to him that I would really like to go and visit my family since it has been two years since my dad passed away and its getting hard for me to be away. also he said that it will be ok in June when we discussed it back in Dec and now he is changing his mind and he said ok, I can go :O

So I have made a booking already and cant wait to fly away for a few weeks! wanted to be away for the whole summer but he said that he want me back in two weeks, so i am only going away for 18 days! not too happy about the short stay but I agreed to it because then I can completely enjoy my stay without having to worry about what will happen when I return! 

Cant wait....
Hoping that my time with my family will help me get a clear picture of things and assist me in getting to a better decision...fingers crossed!


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

alisa said:


> Cant wait....
> Hoping that my time with my family will help me get a clear picture of things and assist me in getting to a better decision...fingers crossed!


I hope so too. Wishing you the best, and thanks for the update.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Walter is right. You come here for help and therefore we must show great sensitivity. All of us, like you, are in pain. 
That said, t's nice that Slowly Getting Wiser is telling you not to do too many posts cos they feel they are not getting the full picture. He/she are interested enough in your story (and therefore you as a human being) to want a more cohesive picture of what is happening with you & so give you some advice. 
So... Walter and Slowly Getting Wiser and me (**********) care about what's happening to you on the journey you are on. We all here are on that journey. So of course start as many threads as you want, you are not doing anyone any harm. 
Finally all the best to you Slowly Getting Wiser, to you Walter and to myself too and more importantly to you ALISA, for the journey we are on. 
We must not lose sight of the fun person we were before all this happened to us.... So have a look at this clip from YouTube & it may even put a smile on your faces . Sure does on mine  Sorry don't know how to do the link thing - just copy and paste into your browser. 
Three - The Pony #DancePonyDance - YouTube
**********


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Sorry Alisa, I came across you when I was searching for 'how to do a link'. I now see the post I was reading was a year ago so my post was waaaaay out of date! Still I hope you enjoyed the link.


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