# Husband wants to have sex with a man



## Jenya (Sep 21, 2011)

I am basically just here to be able to talk to someone about this because I can't talk to any of my friends - my husband would be mortified. 

Recently he came to me and told me he has been having a lot of thoughts about having sex with a man. He doesn't want to have a relationship, he just wants to have sex. He was really worried if he told me I would think he was flawed and leave him (we have been married 18 years). He said he felt better just being able to tell me about it and he wish he didn't have these feelings, etc. etc. 

A while later (a few weeks) he told me these feelings weren't going away and basically asked me for permission to "try it." Through several conversations, it seems he just wants to find someone like him (straight/married) that would want to get together a few times a year and have sex. 

Is this a common thing? He makes it sound like there are guys out there all over the place just waiting to hook up with other guys. And if I let him do this, I am worried I will eventually resent it, or think less of him as a man, or something. I am pretty open, but this is stretching it a bit for me. I broached the subject of an open marriage to see if that what he was angling for, but he said no - he couldn't handle me having sex with other guys. 

I am just not really sure what to think and needed someone to talk to. 

Thanks.


----------



## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

Is there anything you can try in the bedroom like a strap on for him or maybe he wants anal? (from you). I've read prostate stimulation feels really good for men. I've suggested it to my partner just in case it was something he wanted but he really didn't lol. I do know a couple who apparently have used a strap on for him. Or, is it that he wants to kiss, hold etc a man instead of a woman? (can't really call him straight then..)

If I were in your position I don't think I could do it. It's cheating, doesn't matter that it's with a man! He can't stand the thought of you with someone else, so wouldn't he be able to understand? 

Maybe you could ask him to specifiy exactly what kind of stimulation he is after. If it's the sexual company of a man, I'd be considering marriage counselling at least to work out a compromise if you're even going to go down that path. Like maybe you could do it only on the condition it's a threesome with you there. But once he's been with someone else he may start to feel entitled.. I don't know it's hard to suggest untill you know exactly what he's after. If it's just anal (giving or taking) maybe you could help him out there.


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

He is either gay or bi-sexual, and you need to figure out if you can deal with this. Once he goes down the road of having sex with another man, your marriage will never be the same.

There was another poster here who said she indulged her man's fantasy of anal sex with a strap on, and he never wanted vaginal sex again. She was sorry that she agreed to fulfill that fantasy.

I would ask him why he wants this. Where does he see your marriage going? Then you can decide what you want to do about it.


----------



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Jenya said:


> Is this a common thing? He makes it sound like there are guys out there all over the place just waiting to hook up with other guys.


There are ads all over the place for this kind of thing. For instance craigslist is littered with men wanting to hook up with men secretly. So first off, I'd be happy that at least he shared his desire with you instead of the alternative (hooking up behind your back). Could I agree to this? No. Your H wants to have an open marriage basically, but only for him on his terms. I wish you the best.


----------



## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Do not grant this request!! Time to start laying down some boundries and let him know that he can never do this or it is curtains! I would be very concerned, time to think hard!


----------



## wlb551 (Aug 6, 2012)

I am finding myself in a similar situation. I have only been married for a few months. Before we were married, I knew that he liked anal play with toys but now he has joined one of the websites to look for a man. He originally said he would like for us both to use it -- but I never asked for that nor wanted it. I don't have anyone to talk about this either. When I came across your post while looking for a solution, I thought I would drop a line. Have you found any answers? 

I agree with some of the other threads that forbidding it may only cause another set of problems. I can relate to your building resentment. If you still check this thread, I would like to chat if you are up for it. 

Wendy


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

wlb551 said:


> I am finding myself in a similar situation. I have only been married for a few months. Before we were married, I knew that he liked anal play with toys but now he has joined one of the websites to look for a man. He originally said he would like for us both to use it -- but I never asked for that nor wanted it. I don't have anyone to talk about this either. When I came across your post while looking for a solution, I thought I would drop a line. Have you found any answers?
> 
> I agree with some of the other threads that forbidding it may only cause another set of problems. I can relate to your building resentment. If you still check this thread, I would like to chat if you are up for it.
> 
> Wendy


The original poster has not been back for a long time. You might want to start your own thread on the topic.

This is something your husband should have told you before you married him. It's dishonest of him not to have told you.


----------



## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

Jenya said:


> I am basically just here to be able to talk to someone about this because I can't talk to any of my friends - my husband would be mortified.
> 
> Recently he came to me and told me he has been having a lot of thoughts about having sex with a man. He doesn't want to have a relationship, he just wants to have sex. He was really worried if he told me I would think he was flawed and leave him (we have been married 18 years). He said he felt better just being able to tell me about it and he wish he didn't have these feelings, etc. etc.
> 
> ...


How about starting with swinging. That way he can watch another man and you can enjoy it too.


----------



## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> The original poster has not been back for a long time. You might want to start your own thread on the topic.
> 
> This is something your husband should have told you before you married him. It's dishonest of him not to have told you.


Since you are both married to similar men, you all should get together.


----------



## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I'd encourage you to get yourself to a PFLAG meeting.

PFLAG: Coming Out Support for LGBT People 

You'll find people like yourself who can help and support you.

Men who are gay or bisexual but haven't come to terms with it are at very high risk of STD's. They often don't plan on doing anything and "are caught up in the moment" and don't use protection. Please take care of yourself.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lifeisnotsogood said:


> Since you are both married to similar men, you all should get together.


I'm not married to a similar man.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Zombie thread, but this:



> Through several conversations, it seems he just wants to find *someone like him (straight/married)* that would want to get together a few times a year and have sex.


COME ON... 
What's up with these guys wanting to bang other guys and wanting to be called straight? Daaaamn... Are they serious?


----------



## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

costa200 said:


> COME ON...
> What's up with these guys wanting to bang other guys and wanting to be called straight? Daaaamn... Are they serious?


Yeah, apparently so. A friend of mine is gay, and he tells me there is an unlimited amount of "straight" married men looking for some guy lovin' on the side. I don't think it's common, but this shyte goes on...and the poor wife probably doesn't have a clue in most cases.


----------



## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

thunderstruck said:


> Yeah, apparently so. A friend of mine is gay, and he tells me there is an unlimited amount of "straight" married men looking for some guy lovin' on the side. I don't think it's common, but this shyte goes on...and the poor wife probably doesn't have a clue in most cases.












Really?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

wiigirl said:


> Really?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, really. Even here, deep in bible belt country, we have a park in town for crap like this. I know this, b/c church leaders, local politicians, teachers, etc. get busted there. They apparently pull up at this wooded park during the day, and disapper into the woods for some action. The cops set up stings now and then and just scoop them up...and then these "straight" married men all over the local news. 

You probably have a place like this in your town.


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Men who want to have sex with other men are not straight.

I don't understand how someone can think a man is straight if he wants to sleep with other men.

The OP has hopefully divorced her gay husband by now...


----------



## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

thunderstruck said:


> Yeah, really. Even here, deep in bible belt country, we have a park in town for crap like this. I know this, b/c church leaders, local politicians, teachers, etc. get busted there. They apparently pull up at this wooded park during the day, and disapper into the woods for some action. The cops set up stings now and then and just scoop them up...and then these "straight" married men all over the local news.
> 
> You probably have a place like this in your town.


I know we have a couple in our town. I know, it's icky thinking about people having random sex in a park, but if you've got a condom and a bucket of penicillin, it might be an option. Just be prepared for what may happen to your relationship because of what this opens in his mind.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

First of all, you can't use the word "straight" when talking about your husband. At the very least, he's Bi-curious if not just BI.

Also, it's difficult to believe that these feelings have'nt been on his mind for many years. You may want to consider an STD test just in case he's wandered off the ranch sometime in the past.

It wouldn't be too unusual that he's talking about this now and looking for permission because he's already been doing it and is either afraid you're going to catch him or he feels bad about doing it behind your back.

Good luck!


----------



## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

wiigirl said:


> Really?


Yep... some men are gay and homophobic at the same time. They won't come out of the closet.

The sad part is that it so often is a recipe for unsafe sex because "it just happens." Trolling for gay sex is the one time a guy is guaranteed to score every time, resulting in many hookups that spread things around and eventually they bring something home.


----------



## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Along these lines...the gay friend I mentioned earlier...we first met as teens at our workplace. I thought he was gay within mins of meeting him, from his voice and how he carried himself. We kind of danced around the subject as we got to be friends, but he would not give a straight answer. To confuse matters more, he dated a couple of girls for short periods. We lost contact for about 20 years, and then I caught up with him a few years ago. 

He could have easily been one of these gay guys who marry a woman. He was raised by strict Catholic parents, and went to Cath schools. He was taught that it was wrong to be gay, so he buried his true feelings, and forced himself to act straight. He finally came out in his early 20's, but somehow his parents still don't know. He's pretty sure they'd disown him.


----------



## Alex UK (Aug 28, 2012)

I have an issue. My partner of 11years says he has feelings of wanting to have sex with Men. (he tried this before we met but said he didn`t want to be like that) I have never wanted anyone else since i met him. Although he says he loves me and doesn`t want to break up, i am dying inside...I don`t think i would be able to cope with him having a liason. Just don`t know what to do, or how to feel. most of the time i just feel sick and feel like I`m having panic/anxiety attacks. He told me on Sunday after i made him,so i suppose early days yet...maybe offering the anal stimulation is what he wants..


----------



## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Hello Alex,

I think you'd find a better forum over on the Straight Spouse Network. 

We do get a few men and women on here in your situation, but not enough to really form effective support in the way you need.

Best of luck.


----------



## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

I'm sorry.

This is my understanding: 

Gay men...are interested in romantic relationships with other men. 

Bisexual men--are sexually aroused by men (and women), but have no desire to have a relationship with a man (only women)...nor do they have a desire to even kiss them...it's just sex...nothing potentially emotionally intimate...

I once read a great piece written by a bisexual guy (i couldn't find it, or I'd link it)...he was married and had had sexual encounters with men in the past...but he'd only ever been interested in "partnering" with a woman...and he was married and had no intention of cheating on his wife...

This puts you in a tough spot. I respect him for coming to you with this openly...I can even buy that his interest may be purely sexual urge...(and certainly, it's not his fault...just brain chemistry).

But...I think your gut feeling that this will cause problems for you at some point is right on the money. 

I'd want him to try taking something to lower his sex drive in general (I know propecia does that--as a side-effect)..and then reassess.

And bottom Line: If you say "yes"...I have a feeling that your marriage will end sooner or later because of it...so just keep that in mind.


----------



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Jenya said:


> Recently he came to me and told me he has been having a lot of thoughts about having sex with a man. He doesn't want to have a relationship, he just wants to have sex.





Jenya said:


> Through several conversations, it seems he just wants to find someone like him (straight/married) that would want to get together a few times a year and have sex.


I would be concerned that he's lying about only now wanting to "try" a man. Why? Because already he's gone from telling you he just wants to try a man out, to trying to get you to condone him having another sex partner "a few times a year". Chances are very good that he was sleeping with men before he even met you, and possibly inside of your marriage. People who are genuinely curious, but haven't crossed the line, don't go from wanting to taste it, to wanting to schedule multi-annual buffets. 



Jenya said:


> Is this a common thing? He makes it sound like there are guys out there all over the place just waiting to hook up with other guys.


It's very common. A large portion of men who have sex with other men are married, consider themselves straight, and will never identify as gay, or even bisexual. Transsexual female prostitutes are very popular, and they sleep almost exclusively with men who consider themselves heterosexual.



Jenya said:


> I broached the subject of an open marriage to see if that what he was angling for, but he said no - he couldn't handle me having sex with other guys.



Your husband wants a half-open marriage; he can come and go as he pleases, but you can't. It's extraordinarily selfish, and potentially very dangerous to you.


A lot of people are dealing with this subject, and the chances are VERY good that your husband is already stepping out, or will be stepping out soon. He's not confession a secret attraction to you, he's actually to the stage where he's trying to coerce you into giving him permission to sleep around right in front of your face.

Prayer and counseling is what you need immediately. I am sure there must be support groups on the net for people dealing specifically with this topic. I know that another poster who's name I am blanking on has a bi-sexual husband, and she chose to stay. She could point you toward some resources, as she was helping someone else in a similar boat.

Be well. Keep us informed.

*Edit:* I see now that the OP has been long gone, and this is a resurrected from the dead thread.


----------

