# 2 years afterwards and i still feel "damaged"



## TimesOfChange (Mar 20, 2013)

Started dating again and met a lot of girls but i simply can't develope feelings for them....it's as if my cheating Ex wife killed the capability to fall in love inside of me.

I'm 32 and i can't fall in love, missing the best time of my life. The girl i'm dating right now really cares about me and it saddens me that i can't return the feelings. At times i do not feel anythin at all...

I think something died inside of me, the moment she cheated on me. Will it ever get better?


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

You probably have walls up. That's normal. Just keep at it. 

Don't forget, that bond you had with your wife took time to build. In some cases, many years. 

You can't have that over night. 

Also, maybe it's not you, but the girl your with just might not light your fire. That happens too.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

For me, it did improve and continues to. I know what you are talking about. Hang in there.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TimesOfChange said:


> Started dating again and met a lot of girls but i simply can't develope feelings for them....it's as if my cheating Ex wife killed the capability to fall in love inside of me.
> 
> I'm 32 and i can't fall in love, missing the best time of my life. The girl i'm dating right now really cares about me and it saddens me that i can't return the feelings. At times i do not feel anythin at all...
> 
> I think something died inside of me, the moment she cheated on me. Will it ever get better?


Counselling will help.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

In your situation, I'd be optimistic. You're at a great age. Since the marriage is over, try to quit wasting your energy focusing on it. Sounds sappy, but the right girl will put you back on your feet.


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## Served Cold (May 25, 2014)

TimesOfChange said:


> Started dating again and met a lot of girls but i simply can't develope feelings for them....it's as if my cheating Ex wife killed the capability to fall in love inside of me.
> 
> I'm 32 and i can't fall in love, missing the best time of my life. The girl i'm dating right now really cares about me and it saddens me that i can't return the feelings. At times i do not feel anythin at all...
> 
> I think something died inside of me, the moment she cheated on me. Will it ever get better?


I'm about your age and I understand how you feel. I divorced my cheating wife and haven't had a serious relationship in the last few years. I've met plenty of women who want a commitment, I just don't date them because I'm not looking for that right now.

Early thirties for a man is not old, it's our prime. No rush buddy.

For me, I have learn to trust myself again. Sure, I made the wrong choice in a wife and I need to figure out what it was about me that I made such a wrong choice. Being burned makes it a lot harder to risk being burned again.

There are plenty of great women out there, it's not fair to them that they pay the price for a few bad apples. 

I'm taking a break from serious relationships, because right now I need to get back to the old me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IDK. Did you go to consistent, long-term therapy to deal with the grief of what happened to you?

If not, no big surprise that you still can't connect with other women.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

I started therapy a month ago and haven't noticed any difference. I will not have insurance for much longer so I'm screwed. But I'm trying to be optimistic. I know I will eventually be ok. You will too.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Um, yeah, notice the key word: 'LONG-TERM' therapy. You didn't develop this or that habit or belief in a month, did you? Then how can you STOP a habit or belief in a month? If nothing else, if you're losing benefits, ask the IC for exercises to do when you're not with them. It truly IS practice practice practice. You have to retrain the synapses in your brain to overcome trauma.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

I'm about 2 1/2 years out, and feel similarly. I have fairly major walls up, and I don't think that's a bad thing. I have a long term girlfriend that I probably trust and love as much as I'll ever be able to trust/love a partner again. I'll never get remarried, and probably won't even live with someone again unless my health or finances require it. Bullsheit like that will never happen to me again, if I have anything to say about it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Every book I've read says that after something like infidelity, or even just a divorce, you will truly need at LEAST a year, if not 2 or 3, to get over what it did to you and to sort out your brain. Even in a healthy divorce, they say to wait at least a month for every year you've been married before you'll truly be ready to start dating and not trigger or hurt the person you're dating because you're not ready.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

I agree with and have experienced the 1 month per year thing for most of my life. I think a betrayal by your spouse and subsequent divorce involving your child(ren) burns out forever a whole different set of neurons, though.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

*Re: Re: 2 years afterwards and i still feel "damaged"*



turnera said:


> Um, yeah, notice the key word: 'LONG-TERM' therapy. You didn't develop this or that habit or belief in a month, did you? Then how can you STOP a habit or belief in a month? If nothing else, if you're losing benefits, ask the IC for exercises to do when you're not with them. It truly IS practice practice practice. You have to retrain the synapses in your brain to overcome trauma.


Calm down, I didn't expect to fully be over it. At least notice that hey I need to move forward and acknowledge my feelings and that we were bad for each other, etc.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Septic: Out of curiosity... Did you have an unfortunate childhood? 

Also, how long were you married, and kid's? How did you discover the A?


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

I actually feel sorry for guys here who have been cheated on whilst being married and find it tough to 'move on'.
Because, as men, you're told to _'Man-Up'_ and _'get out there and start banging some hot, younger women'._

And, men today, rightly or wrongly, or now confused by what you have to do - the playing field between men and women is more evened-out.

Humans, male and female, are hard-wired emotionally - you can't (not supposed to anyway), just switch them off and on again.


In this respect, me finding out what my wife did (was already seeing her OM) _after _we had separated was _far less_ damaging than me finding out she was cheating out-of-the-blue while we were 'happily' married.

I think, this, along with reading many threads/posts here has in someway helped me to compartmentalize and detach somewhat, if I was to experience infidelity again.
_(of course, I won't actually know this until it hits me flush again)_


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

*Re: Re: 2 years afterwards and i still feel "damaged"*



Pepper123 said:


> Septic: Out of curiosity... Did you have an unfortunate childhood?
> 
> Also, how long were you married, and kid's? How did you discover the A?


My childhood was fine. I was married to him for 2 years and no kids. The first time it happened he told me. The second time it was hinted at me from mutual friends we had. I had to bug it out of him till he finally admitted to doing it.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Great to hear so many folks have benefited from IC. It did nothing for me. All seemed very obvious and there were no revelations or anything.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

*Re: Re: 2 years afterwards and i still feel "damaged"*



Healer said:


> Great to hear so many folks have benefited from IC. It did nothing for me. All seemed very obvious and there were no revelations or anything.


That's where I'm at right now. This is my second time with IC with the first one 18 months ago when we were married...before he cheated. It felt good to talk it out but I felt like I was just talking to my best friend about it who would pat me on the back and say "there there."


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I'll definitely be in IC for a while. I see how messed up my STBX was, and how to spot the signs better. 

There are no guarantees in life. You might get cheated on again in a future relationship . I think the key is to be secure and happy with yourself first. Then bring your new spouse along for the ride. If they try to derail the train they should get run over by the sheer momentum you have.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You haven't healed yet. And you also haven't met someone who you are really into.

My advice is to stop dating the one you are right now because it's clear she's not the one. It's also not fair to her if she thinks you're into her and you're not. It's not fair to you either.

There is no magic pill for feeling better/healing post-divorce. 

Take time for yourself, clear your head.

You always meet someone you click with when you least expect it.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

TimesOfChange said:


> Started dating again and met a lot of girls but i simply can't develope feelings for them....it's as if my cheating Ex wife killed the capability to fall in love inside of me.
> 
> I'm 32 and i can't fall in love, missing the best time of my life. The girl i'm dating right now really cares about me and it saddens me that i can't return the feelings. At times i do not feel anythin at all...
> 
> I think something died inside of me, the moment she cheated on me. Will it ever get better?


Therapy ? 

If you bottle this sh!t up this is what you get.. 

Personally I suffer from what is termed general Anxiety. 

Are you sabotaging your relationships.. Look back on them, are you making excuses why you shouldn't be together with this person ?

Again personally I am a very structured person. I know what I am doing years ahead. I am black and white when it comes to things.. There is good and bad, bad is punished and good is rewarded.. 

Last night as I was building something for the G.F. from IKEA to store toys for her daughter I noticed she was still putting her 3 year old daughter to bed at 10 PM.. I just thought it was too late.. But I knew or realized I was just getting too involved into it. I was saying to myself I don't know if I can do this.. I was looking for some excuse to walk away from the relationship.. 

I literally talked to myself *( in my head of course )* to just STFU and not make a big deal out of it.. It is what it is.. This is life and its not perfect.. What matters is the kids grow up right.. That I will eventually have a hand and say into what could be done and we will do things together as parents to make sure the kids grow up right.. 

Again this is the process I had to go through. I don't know you. But you might be doing something like this.. You might not recognize it at first though.. It took me a year to figure out why I caught my Ex wife.. Why I looked at the cell phone bill when I did.. It was a Trigger from several previous incidents plain and simple. But I couldn't realize it then.. This is what therapy does, it helps you understand or at least should.. If not then find a new therapist..

I will be honest, at 32 and still dragging your A$$ on this ? Years after D-Day or Divorce... 

Your young.. You can meet a 25 year old woman with zero issue.. I'm 47 with 2 boys.. I can never meet a 25 year old women.. I mean I can but I would have zero in common with her..

The great thing is the people you meet are at such a young age that they pretty much have not set up many things that might be considered quirks or *"being set in their ways at this age"*. If I am making sense, at the time of this posting I just couldn't get the right wording for this thought..

So my point is at 47 I am going to mostly meet women with kids or women with NO kids and wonder why they don't, and then wonder if they will deal with my kids.. 

You on the other hand can still have kids ( at least one ) no matter if you have kids or not.. Not that I am dead at 47.. But for me I'm just too past that age of trying to raise a baby.. If I had one tomorrow, He or she would be 20 when I am 67.. 

Part of me wishes I would have left my Ex wife the month before we were married when I caught her the first time, Or the second time after my first child was born, or the third incident, or the secret fourth incident, ETC.. But if I did things would NOT have turned out the way they did. As much as I am scarred from this, I have become a better man and a better father.. I'm more focused and more no nonsense type of man.. I speak my mind more now and part of me is what is in this for me type of mentality. 

But again I wouldn't have anything or be anything without having the ability and willingness to talking about my issues with family and friends and professionally.. 

You need to speak your mind, you need to let people know how you feel. But you also need to know when you shouldn't.. for example I don't tell my G.F. I think she is fvcking someone the minute she doesn't answer the phone or call me back right away.. That is the crazy part of me that she doesn't need to know about.. I know its my issue and I need to learn how to deal with it and resolve it by myself.. 

Again these are the things you need to realize and deal with and not BURY AWAY DEEP INSIDE..

Conversely I do tell my G.F. I love her and I am afraid of losing her sometimes.. Its just how I feel about her. Though I know if she did leave me nothing bad would happen. I have had what I think is the worst experience of my life relationship wise.. If I survived this I can survive anything relationship wise.. 

Don't waste anymore of your life.. It just really isn't worth it.. Your letting your Ex wife rule your life.. She did enough damage..


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I am almost 4 years out and feel this way somewhat. I love my Gf but it's not as open as I was with my x and it never will be. I went through counseling and one thing I learned is that each thing has a time and a place. The love you had with your x you can't recreate or be that way again. Perfectly normal. Just simply enjoy what you have now it doesn't have to be the same


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

I was just going to start a similar thread but ran across this. I was thinking that there might be something wrong with me because I'm on my third year but it turns out, I could be quite normal since so many others feel the same way.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Alpha said:


> I was just going to start a similar thread but ran across this. I was thinking that there might be something wrong with me because I'm on my third year but it turns out, I could be quite normal since so many others feel the same way.


I tell you a good therapist really does help.. I enjoy the science behind it.. Once you understand why your doing something and accept it. The next step is to fix it, but you can never fix anything unless you know what is truly wrong.. 

I've been in therapy since Sept 2012.. A co-worker today just said to me, because I was talking out loud in the office about therapy.. I remember a time on this job you could never or would ever admit your in therapy without ruining your career... I have 4 year more than him on the job. 

I said, I don't have nothing to hide.. It helped me out a lot and its my religion. Some people go to church on Sunday, I go to therapy on Wednesday. 

Like marriage counseling people think you go for a few months and then you are sort of fixed and can stop. You just can't because all you do is drag this stuff into a new relationship. Basically the new partner becomes your Ex and you end up going through the motions of reconciliation with them. Just they don't get why they are getting beat up sometimes. Fortunately for me my G.F. is Special Ed teacher with a Bachelors in Psychology. So she knows how to deal with me when I go through these moments. 

Again I speak from experience because me and my Ex reconciled 3 times in the past prior to number 4 and finally divorce. I can clearly see that I am putting the G.F. through these motions of insecurity. Again I very fortunate that she can deal with it and loves me enough to see the better person inside me. 

This is why I am trying harder to be the best I can. Which is what therapist tell you anyways to do..


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