# Married Ten Months and it feels hopeless



## jonas27 (Jul 27, 2009)

Well I just got married ten months ago. Can you believe it, ten months... yet here I am considering leaving. 

My husband worked in a job that kept him away from myself and our home Monday to Friday right up until the week we were married. Every weekend he was home I loved seeing him and we never had any issues. During the week I paid the bills, cleaned the home, maintained the yard, handled everything. Weekends were amazing because of how much I missed him.

Well now he is home and he is not who I thought he was. Actually I just dont like him right now. I find him hard to be around. We used to get along great and now everything is a nightmare. He gained a significant amount of weight, he is without a doubt drinking all the time and way too much, he doesnt take care of himself (ie brushing his teeth, shaving, showering etc) and he has no respect for me.

He agrees that he has depression but refuses help, he knows he drinks too much but calls me a nagging b*tch if I say something.
He has no issues with walking out on me, calling me a b*tch etc. I have tried everything. I go to a counsellor to help me deal and everything she suggests does not work.

I have written him a letter about my feelings, tried to make date nights, been extremely nice to him, stood up for myself, didnt ask him to do anything for two weeks etc.... no strategy works at all. I am beginning to hate him for all of this. We had a nice beautiful wedding and now I am the only working for a happy marriage- if he does not want this I wish he would tell me. I suggested a separation but he cried and said he didnt want that.... but still wont get help and ten minutes later was up to the same old behaviour. 

His family is never around, does not care about us at all... and he wont do anything with me anymore himself. He doesn't even get me Birthday gifts, valentine gifts etc. My friends threw me a a surprise Birthday party and he refused to go. He doesnt go to family functions anymore, doesnt even sleep in the same bed with me anymore.

I am at a loss. I want children but I cannot have them with him. He has a bad temper and a drinking problem. I have tried to recruit outside help and nothing phases him. I went to his Father and begged for help to get him into counselling and help with the drinking problem.... his Father just said it was my problem as his wife. 

I feel like I am losing my marbles. I dont want this. We have not been married a year and already I see the end. What do I do


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

First of all... definitely no kids until this is better. 

Second... what is the change in his job that he's now home all the time? Could this be a source of the depression.

it sounds like you've tried everything, and the only time you got any type of response is when you threatened to leave. Well, maybe you need to tell him, he needs to get help and start changing or you will separate, at least temporarily, and tell him that you will take him back once he starts to improve himself. You don't need to put up with this kind of crap. 

Has he made comments about things you do wrong other than nag and b!tch at him apparently???


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## jonas27 (Jul 27, 2009)

He had a temporary job to complete in a different area that lasted just over a year.... he worked closer to home before but we bought our first hom a week before he started leaving for the out of town work.

He admits he feels depressed but downright refuses to get help. I feel he wants to say he has a wife but does not want to work on the marriage. He is not even interested in anything sexual, as I said he now sleeps in a separate bedroom. 

I find him repulsive. I am very hygienic, I care about my appearance, I have a good work ethic and I take care of my body. To have to suggest your husband brush his teeth, shower after a long day at work (in construction) and maybe shave once in a while makes me sick. This is not what I want. I even have to clean his room (absurd he doesnt sleep with me) otherwise he would live in filth. I really am so upset. How humiliating I dont know what to do


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

I think you know the answer, it's just the hard one. He's checked out. Sometimes the best way to get someone to help themselves is to leave.


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## jonas27 (Jul 27, 2009)

Here is what eats me alive- it has ONLY been ten months
I wish he could see the value in me
I hate that this is my life.

I want happiness and him together with me in marriage, it just seems so impossible. He wont give an inch.

He gets so upset when I bring up that I cant do this anymore, but will NOT do anything.

How does a person move forward?


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## jonas27 (Jul 27, 2009)

Any advice for a very confused girl in need??


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

jonas27 said:


> Here is what eats me alive- it has ONLY been ten months
> I wish he could see the value in me
> I hate that this is my life.
> 
> ...



He gets upset and the thought of you leaving, you give in to him, and then nothing changes. You've tried talking and other avenues.

I think you almost HAVE to leave him if you want him to get better. I know you feel guilty, but you do not deserve to live like this. You've given him warnings. He has not responded. And it's better to do know instead of years down the road after you've had a couple of kids.

Tell him, he needs to get help, he has to show the effort. If he doesn't, you are gone. End of story.


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