# lying wife



## kamm12 (Jun 24, 2013)

Hi,i ve been with my wife 26 years, have four kids all over 18 ,i carnt understand what my wife has done,she is on antidepressants,doesn't work and over the last 18 months she has lead a double life of lies to me our children ,she befriended a 20 year old male on fb and started a fb relationship with him and then his friend, who are both on the dole ,they some how got in her head and got her feeling sorry for them and she started giving them money,she has no qualifications as councillor but somehow thought she would help them to get of drugs and get a job,next bought them mobile phones on plans in her name and these boys racked up thousand of dollars in calls over 12 months,the contact growing because of the phone bills,she said they had no money to pay anything of them so she had to pay them,which she paid with our money behind my back ,she has bought one of them a skate board ,cloths ,food alcohol and smokes which run into thousand s of dollars,she would pick them up a go for drives with them ,mostly at night and tell us she was visiting a girl friend,she said they would just to talk cause she felt sorry for them and says she was trying to help them cause they had nothing ,i knew nothing of this relationship until 4 days ago,when my daughter accidentally opened an over due phone bill addressed to my wife,we got a print out of the calls from these phones and they were ringing her constantly all day looking for money,im not making excuses but i think she got into something way out of her league and didn't no how to get out of if ,iv e worked out she has used $10000 in 6 months on these boys ,i am so hurt by what she has done i don't think i can forgive her ,i don't trust her ,she doesn't think it was an affair but i do , she is now so sorry ,she says she loves me the kids ,all the lies and fighting over the last 12 months have been because of this double life she lead ,what do i do?


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

There is definitely more going on than you've been told. Does your wife have a history of mental illness? Have you read the messages between her and these boys? This behavior seems more than a little crazy.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Cut off her cash flow. Separate accounts, get bills out of joint names and separated. Kick her out of the house. 

She is being completely irresponsible. And what does she expect to get from these guys anyway?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Seriously, what do you think is happening on those long drives.. Counseling?


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

BK23 said:


> There is definitely more going on than you've been told. Does your wife have a history of mental illness? Have you read the messages between her and these boys? This behavior seems more than a little crazy.


Yep, first thing I thought of: mental illness. This is not even close to normal behavior.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Cut off her access to all money, cancel the phones , and
Get her to take a polygraph herself.

She may very possibly have tried drugs with these guys and had sex with them.

Demand a polygraph and std test.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You know on these long drives with these guys that in all probability she is having sex with them. You would have to be in total denial not to believe she was having sex with them. You clearly cannot believe anything she is saying to you. She is in damage control.
I would suggest:

1. Get tested for STD's
2. See an attorney to understand your options
3. Cut off any financial cards to her.
4. Cut off service to the phones.
5. Your wife is mentally ill and see if your lawyer can work something out with the phone company.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

With that kind of money being spent, is it possible that she is doing drugs and they are supplying her habit, and you are getting just another lie that she thinks is plausible and covers her tracks for the money she has spent and the way she is acting?


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## kamm12 (Jun 24, 2013)

already got separate bank accounts but she would ask for money for shopping and go around and give half to these boys, after being caught out she disclosed everything ,i will leave her over this ,but yeh i think its a mental illness to ,thanks for replies


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

No, not mental illness. I think it's drugs. Or one of the worst cases of midlife crisis we have ever seen on these boards.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Oh yeah and file for legal separation if not divorce. She is not even giving you a quarter of the whole story. Sounds to me like these two kids were her personal gigolos or something lurid like that. What a disgusting situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Your title says it all, "Lying Wife". You don't know the truth. Don't believe a word she says. Everything she has told you is suspect. Did she buy these kids phones, clothes, etc? If she loves you, have her prove where she has spent the money. 

First, NO CONTACT. She must end all contact with these guys immediately. No goodbyes. No, hey my husband found out. No Contact.

Second, get tested for STD's. Also have her get tested and have her give you the results.

Third, have her account for all the money she spent.

Fourth, have her tell you when and where she went with these guys and what they did.

Fifth, find out what you can about these kids.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

kamm12 said:


> already got separate bank accounts but she would ask for money for shopping and go around and give half to these boys, after being caught out she disclosed everything ,i will leave her over this ,but yeh i think its a mental illness to ,thanks for replies


I don't think it is a mental illness in as much as I don't think she has lived with it her whole life, however, her body chemistry could have changed which can cause an imbalance who knows...

She got into a habit of making bad mistakes, lying, stealing etc... People who go down that road really sometimes find a hard way to get out.

She may have wanted to be a mom because of the empty nest... All her kids are gone and she wanted to feel useful... She might have lost a sense of self here. 

She does need counseling. Don't discount the poly and STD test though. You have every right to know what was going on. It is your life she was having a double life with so you deserve your answers. I wouldn't take her at face value. There is a lot at stake but those choices are yours. I am sorry you are here. (Buying someone a skateboard?) Not in the realm of reality here.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

"Dole" sounds like England $ sounds like US. ??

Anyway. Standard advice here.

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. Set bit rate to 44K or higher and sensitivity to very high or better Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!!

Put the second in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around.

Usual warning. If you hear another man get in her car STOP Listening and have a trusted friend tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while Chris is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! NO MORE CONFRONTS!! You 

Steel yourself for the ugly possibility of a full PA. Odds are about 60%.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise.


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## kamm12 (Jun 24, 2013)

this forum is brutal but honest yous have given me thought into some things i was not wanting to see ,thanks for support her own kids feel like there mother put them second to these scumbags


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I am not sure of the mental illness but I don't know your wife. Just seems like cheater behavior to me, but one with a bigger bank account then most. It would certainly be the reason (cheating) for the arguing. Typically when a person cheats it disrupts the harmony in the marriage and thus fighting starts. I could be wrong but it seems like your wife went physical with these guys.

I suspect big time that she was having sex. 

If you can put off some of your decision to D or R. I would see an attorney to at least see what your options are.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

kamm12 said:


> this forum is brutal but honest yous have given me thought into some things i was not wanting to see ,thanks for support her own kids feel like there mother put them second to these scumbags


That is what cheaters do. The folks that should be important to them aren't. Cheaters go into a fog or a fantasy and you and the her kids became dispensable.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

You need to determine the following

1. Is she that gullible and nothing really, really happen.

2. Is going through some mental illness ?

3. It's all a BIG LIE and she is having an affair or multiple affairs.


What are your ages ? 
The way your speaking and saying kids I am getting the impression your in your 60s.. 

I guess they would be still kids if you were in your 40s, but it is common for women in their 40s to go after men in their 20s. 

In some states this could be considered a crime assuming some mental illness played a factor. Put her on the carpet for that and see.. 

No Wayward is gonna have their boyfriend locked up. Too much dirt will come out. 

Nonetheless you need your kids maybe to help you think clearly ATM. It is obvious your a bit distraught yourself over this, as anyone should be.

Get your facts together as well.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

In addition to std test, I strongly suggest a drug test too. The amounts she's dropping on these guys is beyond a few pints.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Requirement lists, you can make of some of them immediate dealbreakes if she rejects or delay them.

Drug test.
STD test (it doesn't matter if she claims no sex, she's untrustworthy, need to prove herself for a good while).
Right to the point NC letters to the scumbags, approved by you before sending them. Today. Come here if you need advice in the wording).
Complete transparence in comunication devices and whereabouts from now on. Tell her she needs step up to prove herself.
Every penny spent must be backed up with receipts from now on.
Mandatory IC, medication if needed.
She becomes frugal, save the money spent and put it back into the family. She need a plan, you can give her a reasonable timeline.
She merge her online social networking with yours (making it the family one) or delete it altogether.
Full disclosure of what was going on, starting with timeline then filling the holes. Backing up with polygraph


On her back you become a homemade Private Investigator, put in place every single snooping tool at hand; keylogger in the PC, spyware in the phone, GPS, VAR, checking up the phone bill... Ask us for advice.


She must seek advice on her own on how to fix what she broke, on how to patiently regain the broken trust. She compensates the energy spent in the separated life be reintegrating herself in the family.


Depending on how the tests, the disclosure or the snooping develops come here for further advice. If they are drugs involved and/or proved infidelity... we are talking about a different sport here.

You just learned about this massive betrayal, you are shocked. I encourage you to wait for a while before taking life altering decisions proven she sticks to some basics rules as NC, the tests... your dealbreakers


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> Usual warning. If you hear another man get in her car STOP Listening and have a trusted friend tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while Chris is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.
> 
> 
> Damn! I feel sorry for anyone who endured something like that, this would make me go feral and I would end up in prison or dead.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

kamm12 said:


> Hi,i ve been with my wife 26 years, have four kids all over 18 ,i carnt understand what my wife has done,she is on antidepressants,doesn't work and over the last 18 months she has lead a double life of lies to me our children ,she befriended a 20 year old male on fb and started a fb relationship with him and then his friend, who are both on the dole ,they some how got in her head and got her feeling sorry for them and she started giving them money,she has no qualifications as councillor but somehow thought she would help them to get of drugs and get a job,next bought them mobile phones on plans in her name and these boys racked up thousand of dollars in calls over 12 months,the contact growing because of the phone bills,she said they had no money to pay anything of them so she had to pay them,which she paid with our money behind my back ,she has bought one of them a skate board ,cloths ,food alcohol and smokes which run into thousand s of dollars,she would pick them up a go for drives with them ,mostly at night and tell us she was visiting a girl friend,she said they would just to talk cause she felt sorry for them and says she was trying to help them cause they had nothing ,i knew nothing of this relationship until 4 days ago,when my daughter accidentally opened an over due phone bill addressed to my wife,we got a print out of the calls from these phones and they were ringing her constantly all day looking for money,im not making excuses but i think she got into something way out of her league and didn't no how to get out of if ,iv e worked out she has used $10000 in 6 months on these boys ,i am so hurt by what she has done i don't think i can forgive her ,i don't trust her ,she doesn't think it was an affair but i do , she is now so sorry ,she says she loves me the kids ,all the lies and fighting over the last 12 months have been because of this double life she lead ,what do i do?


Cut off her money and file.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

What about the possibility of hormonal imbalance ?. If she went through menopause it is possible her hormone levels never leveled out properly. I've read that hormonal imbalances in women can look like psychosis and cause hyper- sexuality. There are some on this forum that know a lot more a out this than I do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I will undoubtedly get a lot of push back for saying what I am about to say, but I think men in general give wives like yours way too much 'forgiveness' when they spend family resources on their secret lives. If she is not seriously mentally ill, I think you should expect her to pay back every red cent that she has siphoned off for her fun with these boys.

I believe that men make a big mistake when they just reflexively consider this sort of spending a sunk cost. In my opinion, she needs to pay your entire family back for this. Even if she religiously pays a small amount a week for 10 years, she has to start taking real responsibility.

(And this isn't about the money for me. It's about acting like an adult and being treated like an adult.)


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> I will undoubtedly get a lot of push back for saying what I am about to say, but I think men in general give wives like yours way too much 'forgiveness' when they spend family resources on their secret lives. If she is not seriously mentally ill, I think you should expect her to pay back every red cent that she has siphoned off for her fun with these boys.
> 
> I believe that men make a big mistake when they just reflexively consider this sort of spending a sunk cost. In my opinion, she needs to pay your entire family back for this. Even if she religiously pays a small amount a week for 10 years, she has to start taking real responsibility.
> 
> (And this isn't about the money for me. It's about acting like an adult and being treated like an adult.)


I think you are absolutely right. I was way too nice at first. I'm not anymore.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Lordhavok said:


> weightlifter said:
> 
> 
> > Usual warning. If you hear another man get in her car STOP Listening and have a trusted friend tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while Chris is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.
> ...


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

weightlifter said:


> Lordhavok said:
> 
> 
> > It happened to one of my early people. I offered to do clean up and he declined, but up till then noone had listened to them screwing. Standard I love you and lets meet crap. We had recently lost some of our earlier var peeps and I was ramping up on them. I didnt know.
> ...


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

RDMU in PRivate section. short version
Comes in with a couple red flags the biggie being she shut down texting and her lying about location.
Turns out its a full on year + affair. Pure sex. no emotion. Lite to moderate BDSM overtones.
50 shades is catalyst for cheating again. Note catalyst /= cause


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> "Dole" sounds like England $ sounds like US. ??


Probably Australia or NZ. 'Smokes' is Antipodean slang.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

kamm12 said:


> this forum is brutal but honest yous have given me thought into some things i was not wanting to see ,thanks for support her own kids feel like there mother put them second to these scumbags


I am sorry your children and you are going through this.


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