# Is this rude to ask?



## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

For those of you who don't know, my husband and I work together. Well, today at work, he was eating very frequently... more than usual. He was also eating some very strange things. One of my coworkers made a joke and insinuated that he might be pregnant. She then went onto ask me "You guys aren't trying are you?".

Frankly, I was a little shocked and didn't know what I should say. I just froze up and didn't really give her an answer... and then surprisingly, she said "Oh!.... well I guess you are then!"

What was I supposed to say? Oh yes! We've been trying for a while now! Let me tell you about it... we try at least 3 times a week!  I mean really.... whose business is it what my husband and I do in the bedroom? 

This isnt something I talk about with a lot of people but we've been married for almost 3 years and we started trying to get pregnant a little over a year ago. For some reason, I just always figured that when I wanted to get pregnant that it would happen right away... and when it didn't, I was disappointed to say the least. I have irregular cycles which doesn't help... but I've already went to my gynecologist and I'm supposed to be going on medication to help with that next month. She assured me that I'd get pregnant eventually.... and I believe I will, especially with the help of the medication she wants me to go on... but I'm getting pretty impatient. So when someone asks me a question like this, I can't help but to be annoyed. I want to get pregnant bad enough without people pestering me about it and asking intrusive questions. All it does it make me that much more impatient.

But WHAT IF I was one of those people that was told I'd never be able to have kids.... I would feel awful if people were constantly asking me when I was going to have kids, knowing it would never happen. Don't the people who ask these questions ever think about this? Thats why I never ask people this question... because for all you know, they could have been trying for years and desperately want a baby, or even worse, they might not be able to have kids at all.

I had an ex coworker who would always ask me this same question... "When are YOU going to have a baby??". I felt like saying "When are YOU going to have one?? Lets talk about you and your sex life. Are you and your boyfriend trying?" 

But I'm not a very outspoken person... In fact Im very quiet, and I have a hard time speaking up for myself when something bothers me. So most of the time I just shrug it off and act like its no big deal... but deep down, it really infuriates me everytime someone asks. I just feel its none of their business. 

Do you think my coworker crossed the line? Anyone else been asked questions like this before? How did you handle it?


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

kittykatz said:


> For those of you who don't know, my husband and I work together. Well, today at work, he was eating very frequently... more than usual. He was also eating some very strange things. One of my coworkers made a joke and insinuated that he might be pregnant. She then went onto ask me "You guys aren't trying are you?".


:lol: This did make me laugh as it is the sort of thing I would say to a friend in a similar situation.

Seriously though dealing with our own and others expectations when it comes to pregnancy can be hard. There seems to be no rhyme or reason as to why some couples can have a child seemingly at the drop of a hat but for others it can take years. If there is no medical reason for you not falling pregnant then my advice would be just relax and enjoy your lives together, see what comes naturally before you look at interventions. As for questions from others just tell them you like the practice.

The best of luck to you both.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Best response I heard to that was, 'How hard can you try?'

You do need to be pretty close to someone to be able to ask that sort of question. I'm guessing from your post that she's not close enough ...

(She may just be one of those people who suffer from verbal incontinence ... someone one described my wife as 'the first time she thinks of something is when she hears herself say it')


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If someone asks, "Are you trying to make a baby"? A great answer would be, "not at the moment".


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

Some questions should not be dignified with a response. Changing the subject as if you hadn't heard is one approach and utter lack of a response while you continue as if you didn't hear it is another. You are not obligated to respond to anyone especially in regard to something that you don't appreciate


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *kittykatz said: *One of my coworkers made a joke and* insinuated that he might be pregnant.* She then went onto ask me *"You guys aren't trying are you?*".
> 
> Frankly, I was a little shocked and didn't know what I should say. I just froze up and didn't really give her an answer... and then surprisingly, she said "*Oh!.... well I guess you are then!"*


 OK, so a coworker makes a Joke....insinuating a man might be pregnant so she gravitated to the wife.....she asked you a question.....You didn't respond....so she thought she'd phrase it another way in hopes that might get a response....at that point you was free to say "NO" - we're not"...."not at this time".... Sure she could have walked away...she'd probably be wondering if you were...without a response of any kind. 



kittykatz said:


> But I'm not a very outspoken person... In fact Im very quiet, and I have a hard time speaking up for myself when something bothers me. *So most of the time I just shrug it off and act like its no big deal... but deep down, it really infuriates me everytime someone asks.* I just feel its none of their business.
> 
> Do you think my coworker crossed the line? Anyone else been asked questions like this before? How did you handle it?


Think about this for a moment...*.her intentions* weren't anything that she thought would hurt you... I would try to weigh this.... *It's different had she known her words would HURT YOU*....*she didn't.*

On a lessor scale.... We were trying 
for 6 plus years to have a 2nd baby... I was a Basketcase at times...I was jealous.... I cried....I prayed...We went through numerous tests, took clomid for 6 months...I was poked, prodded, ended up on the operating table after all of this with no success.... but I can't say I ever felt like this when someone asked me something.....

We are all very different I suppose....some would rather internalize ....not talk....I would have exploded under that.... *...

.....I felt better if people SHOWED interest*, so I could "get it out" ....have a listening ear... I may not have appreciated all the "you just need to Relax honey" comments... but I wasn't furious at these people, I knew they never walked in my shoes....had they, they wouldn't say that....but yet, I'd still invite such a conversation.

Is it always the best thing to downplay your deep feelings around others...If it's a boundary you don't want crossed...people going there....you might have to say something...give them a hint. 

*I edited this* -because I got carried away originally....I had some other things churning in my head ...about the actions -or lets say reactions of another who must have used the ... "It's none of their damn business" line about other people 3 times in 2 days -when we were helping do a job with him...and I was rubbed the wrong way...and in this post focused more on this aspect over the pain of what you are feeling... So my apologies.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Here's a phrase for you to use "if/when I get pregnant I will tell you"

Make up some vague response that neither denies nor confirms that you are trying.

If they persist just repeat the phrase.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Really... you all think what she said was THAT outrageous !
> 
> Lets analyze this again...
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_

Wow. Just wow. This takes bloviating to a whole new level.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> bloviating


I learned a new word:smthumbup: thanks


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I don't feel anyone should inquire into whether someone is trying to get pregnant. That's personal. And none of their business.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

committed4ever said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> Wow. Just wow. This takes *bloviating* to a whole new level.


I looked that up...you are telling me my post and feeling was .... *EMPTY POMPUS speech.. to speak or write verbosely and windily*. Yes..I learned a new word today also. Thank you.... 

Honestly, It's ok... I don't expect a soul to agree with me on this thread...... It's another perspective...that's all I offer. 

I personally would be very hurt IF I joked around in a moment (do people not do this?) ...and heard later through the grapevine this co-worker took this height of offense & felt I was slime/ rude, violating...whatever it may turn into....(not that this will happen)

To me, that would be like a stabbing in the back... I would just think to myself.. why in the world didn't she just say [email protected]#$% At that point.... I'd go and apologize that I hurt this person....but at the same time, I would likely avoid her and /or only talk about *the JOB* from then on....All business....Lesson learned. 

Is it wrong for me to try to give another perspective? 

Being on that side of the fence/ living "infertility"...and not at all a happy camper about it.... I wouldn't have felt it was rude... I might have found myself holding back tears if I was feeling emotional at the tome... cause I wanted it TO BE SO (what she said)....& now it was playing on my mind...but really...I *wouldn't* lay that on the other person....most especially if she had no idea.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You say you are a quiet person who has a hard time speaking up for yourself. Those are the kind of people who get offended pretty easily and I think it has more do to with you own inability to quickly respond than the actual incident.

Those of us who speak up naturally, are naturally more open, and rarely take offense to personal questions. We either answer the question honestly, hedge with something sarcastic, or throw it right back at them.

There's nothing wrong with asking someone a question. The trouble comes when you don't have an answer and now it's the questioners fault for asking.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> Wow. Just wow. This takes bloviating to a whole new level.


Read the statement. Researched the word. Loved it.

Yet, oddly enough the only thing that immediately popped into my head was Hannibal Lecter.

"Thank you, Clarice. Thank you."



Oh. And OP...meh, some people haven't learned what tact is.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

There are many things worth getting offended about in this world.There are injustices all over the place and you have people running around spouting their blatant ignorance over numerous subject matters.
I think it's reasonable to feel some annoyance about the baby question. But I also think maybe getting offended would be allowing that person to have way too much influence over your emotions.

Deflect it with some light sarcasm or some quick wit then move on from it.Try your best to not let your annoyance flair up and turn into offense.

You can always view it as flattering that people care enough to be curious  Their own lives aren't exciting enough perhaps.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

SomedayDig said:


> Read the statement. Researched the word. Loved it.
> 
> Yet, oddly enough the only thing that immediately popped into my head was Hannibal Lecter.
> 
> ...


I guess I stirred the pot today... this is ME >> ....

I'm not even offended. 



> *ScarletBegonias said*: There are many things worth getting offended about in this world.There are injustices all over the place and you have people running around spouting their blatant ignorance over numerous subject matters.
> I think it's reasonable to feel some annoyance about the baby question. But I also think maybe getting offended would be allowing that person to have way too much influence over your emotions.
> 
> Deflect it with some light sarcasm or some quick wit then move on from it.Try your best to not let your annoyance flair up and turn into offense.
> ...


 I agree with every word of this, very balanced view ...and more carefully expressed than my original Hannibal Lecter post... I will admit I could have omitted some of that & offered a more *tactful* response.. 

Though I don't think it's always true that those using some joking on the job & show interest in their co-workers lives always = they don't have enough excitement in their own.... I'd say it's more a personality thing.. just like I'm being viewed as Hannibal on this thread...

I can chuckle about this, can't wait to tell my husband this one!


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I guess I stirred the pot today... this is ME >> ....
> 
> I'm not even offended.


Ummm. No.

*I* am Lecter thanking Committed (Clarice).


Now...if I was going to pick on you, I'd call you the Church and I would be Newton.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*In response to committed4ever* ..I see you deleted your post to me....

Fair enough...

You're right...beings I had 1 child .....*It's not the same* as having none....

once we went to an Infertility Retreat.... sat, listened to the heartbreaking stories many couples who had none...some 10 yrs trying...still believing for their 1st....it was a good friend who felt I should go -she was the originator of that Retreat/ put it together.....I watched many of them plant a tree for a future child....I cried with them....and I didn't feel I belonged there either.....I am tearing up NOW just thinking about it....

Such experiences I feel has made me more sensitive to this particular struggle than most would be. 

The "ignoring" Part in my post was over the top....I'll likely go edit it..... it's just that some people are so private it's like what do you talk about - the weather? 

I don't think I am superior...I have enough hang ups with not liking certain things people DO...to annoy me all on it's own... I really have no desire to add being Offended easily to this list...or I might have to shoot myself in the head. 

I will admit I was more FOCUSED ON the *PRIVACY* part of this -the judgement on the unsuspecting co-worker over the *PAIN* part of it... in my original response.....so please give me the benefit of the doubt here...I ran with that..

Mentioning my husband...he has a brother totally opposite of himself...he is so private, he gets irritated if/when anyone in the family asks him ...I don't know....we just know not to do it....we get to hear him go on about the neighbor asking him something...how nebby this person is, that person..."it's none of their damn business" (yet I see him being nice to their face)....

Heard a bunch of this a few weeks ago on his visit here when we were helping the MIL move......it rubs me the wrong way.... I don't care for his attitude....that's just my opinion... I look at my husband and say "How in the hell are you 2 even related?" He even has a new GF...had her for 2 yrs ...he lives in another state.... I honor his wishes, don't ask a damn thing...I still don't know her name! Probably never will.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I looked that up...you are telling me my post and feeling was .... *EMPTY POMPUS speech.. to speak or write verbosely and windily*. Yes..I learned a new word today also. Thank you....
> 
> Honestly, It's ok... I don't expect a soul to agree with me on this thread...... It's another perspective...that's all I offer.
> 
> ...



I actually agree that the co-worker probably meant no harm, even though she should have left it alone when she got silence. But it can be uncomfortable just to let silence ride and she probably said the first thing that came to her mind. 
*
But I was referring to how you stated that the OP should be ignored because of how she feels, and oh by the way here’s how I would handle it, and my my my, even my husband who is more like you still would have sense enough to handle it like I would, to think like I do blah blah blah.* That was bad enough.
*
But then to infer that you know what she is going through because you had a hard time have a SECOND CHILD when she has NO CHILD – really insensitive on your part,


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> But I was referring to how you stated that the OP should be ignored because of how she feels, and oh by the way here’s how I would handle it, and my my my, even my husband who is more like you still would have sense enough to handle it like I would, to think like I do blah blah blah.* That was bad enough.
> *
> But then to infer that you know what she is going through because you had a hard time have a SECOND CHILD when she has NO CHILD – really insensitive on your part,


I can't speak for SA,of course,but knowing sort of the type of poster she is I can't imagine she meant to come off the way you appear to be taking her.
It seems perhaps she was trying to show OP another way she could handle it that would cause less frustration and anger for OP.
Just hazarding a guess there,forgive me if I'm off base.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> *In response to committed4ever* ..I see you deleted your post to me....
> 
> Fair enough...
> 
> ...



Crazy crazy crazy mobile devices on TAM! I didn't mean to delete it so I reposted but before I saw that you replied. Sorry. 

And even now it's acting crazy but I see what you are saying and 
Anyway


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I can't speak for SA,of course,but knowing sort of the type of poster she is I can't imagine she meant to come off the way you appear to be taking her.
> It seems perhaps she was trying to show OP another way she could handle it that would cause less frustration and anger for OP.
> Just hazarding a guess there,forgive me if I'm off base.


Yes you are right about SA. I know I am probably a little sensitive to the infertility issue since we tried for 4 years. 

So SA I apologize for projecting (seems as if I do a lot of that on TAM these days). 

May I please just play the pregnancy card and the "haven't seen my H in 12 days" cards?

I didn't think so...


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

OP sorry for the hijack of your thread. I can understand how that made you feel. Maybe your coworker didn't mean to come off rude. 

Don't lose hope for conceiving. Took us 4 years with no reason for why couldn't conceive. I'm praying for you and your husband that it will happen for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I can't speak for SA,of course,but knowing sort of the type of poster she is I can't imagine she meant to come off the way you appear to be taking her.
> It seems perhaps she was trying to show OP another way she could handle it that would cause less frustration and anger for OP.
> Just hazarding a guess there,forgive me if I'm off base.


No doubt I can get carried away in a moment...can't we all....say a little too much... post too much (which I did - and attempted to fix)...it happens... just like this co-worker... letting another sentence out -instead of walking away. 

People are fallible... *I don't mind being called out*... Probably GOOD for me.....I WANT to hear how others feel....they might be right ....and she was... 



> *committed4ever said*: I know I am probably a little sensitive to the infertility issue since we tried for 4 years.
> 
> So SA I apologize for projecting (seems as if I do a lot of that on TAM these days).


 I was probably projecting myself with the attitude of my BIL in my head...which was very recent... at least he wasn't mad at us...but you always have to wonder...if you walk away, what might he say ? So we try to not DO what he complains about in others, I think we passed....but who knows. 

And how this may hit home for you committed4ever....of course it's a delicate issue... 

It's all about trying to get along with people as best we can.... ya know.. with each person in our lives, with this privacy thing..we have to know our boundaries...if something is hurting us, we might have to say something.... 

I did a thread once that might be fitting for how we deal with others who Go too far in the verbal (in work environments this may be the worst even - we get so used to each other).. not even saying this comment fits under this....but many times, it's not even about us... but something another may be dealing with a home...we just don't know...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/36460-art-not-being-offended.html 

Ok ....carry on.....


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Im not saying that the woman deserves to be hanged. I realize she most likely meant no harm, but when you ask such personal questions, you shouldn't be surprised if you offend someone. I don't think she's trying to be malicious, she has no idea why we don't have kids or if we are trying to have kids, she has no clue about anything, which is an even better reason why she shouldn't bring up such topics. Its not like this is the first time she's ever mentioned it. She's said to me before "you don't have any babies do you? You two need to have a baby!". I didn't offer her any information then as to why we don't have kids yet, so you'd think that she would get the hint that I don't want to talk about it. I barely even know her... why would I want to go into the details about something like this? She and I just have totally different personalities. She is loud and obnoxious, and im much more quiet and reserved. I really don't want to say something sarcastic to her simply for the fact that I don't think she's intentionally trying to be rude. She's just being a loud mouth.. its her personality. So I choose to sometimes just keep my mouth shut instead of just blurting out what I really WANT to say. I could always way until Im calm, pull her aside and address the issue respectfully, but im just not really one to confront people. I just keep it in and hope that eventually they'll get the hint by the reactions they get from me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I was brought up (in a much different generation) not to ask personal questions. That was considered rude. 

I think smiling and saying "You'll be the first to know" (repeat as often as necessary) might help shut her up.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I think it's rude too but sigh such is life these days. People have no common sense. I'm aware of infertility so I'd never ever ask that question.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

kittykatz said:


> I didn't offer her any information then as to why we don't have kids yet, so you'd think that she would get the hint that I don't want to talk about it. I barely even know her... why would I want to go into the details about something like this?* She and I just have totally different personalities. She is loud and obnoxious, and im much more quiet and reserved.* I really don't want to say something sarcastic to her simply for the fact that I don't think she's intentionally trying to be rude. *She's just being a loud mouth.. its her personality. So I choose to sometimes just keep my mouth shut instead of just blurting out what I really WANT to say.* I could always way until Im calm, pull her aside and address the issue respectfully, but im just not really one to confront people. I just keep it in and hope that eventually they'll get the hint by the reactions they get from me.


Well from that description, I can see why you wouldn't want to talk to her...I'm sure everyone on this thread thinks I am like this woman -because of my posts on this thread.... but hardly so..I've worked with women like this & couldn't stand them either and kept to myself.... I was always a more quiet complaint hard worker when I had a job... 

If you did show some kind of tiff and she didn't like it, beings she is a big mouth, she might blab it everywhere anyhow....which would be the last thing you need - beings you & your husband both work there. Dealing with co-workers is a double edged sword because we need our jobs... and we don't need the added stress & aggravation... 

I hope you realize your dreams kittykatz.... I would ask you a question.... but I will stop.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Yep, I think it's rude. I don't ever asked the baby question because you never know if the couple is having fertility problems.

When my husband and I were dating we used to get the "when are you getting married?" question all the time. Then we get married and after a year, we got the "When are you going to have kids?" question and then "When are you going to have your next kid?" 

My favorite: "Was he planned?" or "Was he an oops?", when talking about my youngest because he's 7 and my older kids are teens. I never know what to say.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

I dont think its rude, I just think she hit a soft spot of yours considering your situation. 

Her intentions weren't to offend you.


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## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

This is just bad manners to ask that question, especially in the work place. It doesn't matter if this woman is very outgoing, she should still realize what is appropriate. But, if she's obnoxious she must be clueless.

The best response is humor, "Nah, we're just doing a lot of practice right now. How about you?" 

Humor or not, when asked a rude question, I always ask or end with a question. Even if it's just, "Why do you ask?" with a slightly shocked/puzzled question. This puts them in the hot seat.

Silence is also very good.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Well from that description, I can see why you wouldn't want to talk to her...I'm sure everyone on this thread thinks I am like this woman -because of my posts on this thread.... but hardly so..I've worked with women like this & couldn't stand them either and kept to myself.... I was always a more quiet complaint hard worker when I had a job...
> 
> If you did show some kind of tiff and she didn't like it, beings she is a big mouth, she might blab it everywhere anyhow....which would be the last thing you need - beings you & your husband both work there. Dealing with co-workers is a double edged sword because we need our jobs... and we don't need the added stress & aggravation...
> 
> I hope you realize your dreams kittykatz.... I would ask you a question.... but I will stop.


Well I don't just work there... my dad actually owns the place. So I'm not too worried about losing my job... if anything, she should be the one worried about losing her job. Even though Im an adult, my dad is still very protective over me and he does not take too kindly to people who are rude to his daughter. If I told HIM about it, I have no doubt in my mind that he would probably be the one to talk to her about it... but I haven't mentioned anything about it to him because I don't want to make a big deal over it. Like I said, I just keep hoping that she will drop the issue.. When you make comments to someone about something more than once, and all you get is an awkward silence, most people would take that as "ok, I guess this isn't something she wants to open up about. Maybe I shouldn't bring it up again." Thats how I would take it... except if it was me, I'd never bring it up in the first place. 

I know plenty of people who are married and don't have any kids... and I will admit I'm sometimes curious why they don't.. but I have NEVER and will never come out and ask them "So why don't you guys have any kids?!". You never know what their response will be. It could be something as simple as "We plan on it soon.We're just not ready yet"....or "we don't want any"... OR they could say "We'd love to have kids. We've been trying for 10 years. Thanks so much for bringing it up!" I would feel like absolute crap.

My ex coworker (She quit a few months ago, thankfully) was very similar to this woman. Very loud... crude.. and she'd always ask me the same thing.. "When are you going to have a baby!? Its your turn now! You need to have one!" and I'd give her the same response... I'd never give her any real information... Id just act uninterested in the topic and say something like "I don't know", but yet that still didnt stop her from bringing it up again.. and again.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm kind of a sensitive person and I do get offended fairly easily... but I still feel like people need to think about things that they say a little more carefully before just blurting out whatever comes into their head. If you're going to say something that you even THINK could possibly offend someone, then you shouldn't be shocked if you don't get the response you were hoping for. If you're around someone who is known to be more reserved, quiet, or easily offended, then you just need to be more careful with what you say around them than you normally would... that is, unless you just enjoy offending people. In my ex coworker's case, sometimes she made me wonder if she actually enjoyed making me feel uncomfortable. She'd sometimes make comments, usually sexual comments, about my husband and I.... in front of everyone. Usually it would make me uncomfortable and I'd get embarrassed, and she would just laugh about it.... and then she'd be like "I was just joking, please dont be mad at me!". 

I never did speak my mind about that particular issue, but I wish I would have because its something that still bothers me and she doesnt even work there anymore. I would just always think wow.... if she really was just joking, she has a screwed up sense of humor. Who would find it amusing or humorous to constantly make inappropriate comments to someone, seeing that it made them uncomfortable, but then yet you still continue to do it. I just don't understand how someone can get off on making others feel embarrassed. I think maybe it made her feel better about herself.

Getting back to the subject of my current coworker, if I actually cared about this woman or how she felt about me, I WOULD let her know that what she said bothered me... If she feels she has been "stabbed in the back" because I have these negative feelings towards her and never expressed it, I honestly don't care. I've known this person for maybe a month at the most... I see her 5-6 hours a day, a few days a week. Its not like shes some close friend. She is barely an acquaintance. I just don't like confrontations, its uncomfortable for me... and its really not worth it in this particular situation because I don't see myself ever being friends with this person anyway, whether I confront her or not. If its something that continues on and on, and she doesn't learn how to take a hint, then eventually I might say something to her if it bothers me to the point where I just can't take anymore... but it would really take A LOT to get me to that point. 

I understand that you don't see anything wrong with people asking this type of question.... and that you're "open for discussion"... and you even mention your struggle to get pregnant for a SECOND time. It makes me wonder how long it took you to get pregnant the first time. As another poster said, having one child and having none are completely different things... If I was trying to have a second child but it was taking a while, I probably wouldn't be too sensitive about these kind of questions... because in the back of my mind, I'd be thinking "Well, at least I have one child already. If I never get to have another one, at least I was blessed enough to have one." Someone who has never had a child at all, can't say that. You know, when I was a kid, I always dreamed of getting married and having 3 or 4 children... now that I'm an adult and I've seen so many negative pregnancy tests, and have been let down so many times, I don't even care if I have 3 or 4 kids anymore... all I care about is just getting pregnant ONCE. If I can just have ONE child, I will be completely content. If I'm able to have more after that, then thats great.... but I really don't care anymore. I just want a baby, period. I'm not concerned with how many anymore. Even though Ive been to the doctor and have been assured that it will happen eventually, some days I get so impatient and it feels like it will just never happen. I see so many people who aren't even trying and don't even WANT kids, get pregnant without any effort. Its the most frustrating thing in the world. The point is, you can't really compare knowing what its like to struggle with trying to get pregnant, when you already have one child. 

Since you're open for discussion about things, and don't seem to get easily offended, I'd like to get your opinion on this. Tell me what YOU would do or say in this situation. Today, one of my coworkers made a comment to me (this is a completely different coworker than the one I was talking about before) and it bothered me. This coworker is much younger, shes only 17... but I still think shes old enough to know better. She is very nosey... shes asked me questions before about my financial situation... When she found out that I'm staying in my dad's rental house, the first thing that came out of her mouth was "Does he charge you rent?!". Maybe a week later, she started asking me about my car.... she said to me "How much did you pay for your car? $20,000?" I felt like telling her it was none of her business but I didn't want to make things awkward, so instead, I brushed it off as usual and just responded with "yea... somewhere around there..." Here lately shes been making comments about my weight. She is a bigger, curvy girl... and I am on the thin side. I'm about 5'3 and 113 pounds... I'll admit I'm thin but I look still look healthy. She asked me once "How much do you weigh?" So I told her... and she just looked at me in shock and said "I'd do anything to weigh that much!" I took it as a compliment at first. 

But then today she said something that made me feel a little offended... We were busy all day today and I didn't get a chance to eat anything, but I wasn't really hungry anyway because I had eaten before work, and I stay full for a while. I don't eat much... not because I'm trying to starve myself or that I'm purposely trying not to eat... its just that it doesn't take much to make me feel full, and once I get full, I stay that way for a long time... I don't eat something just because I feel like it and it tastes good... thats how people gain weight. I eat when I'm hungry. If Im not hungry, I don't eat. I see nothing wrong with it.

Well, my coworker (the loud obnoxious one) said something to me like "You havent ate anything have you? Aren't you hungry?" I wasn't too bothered by this... I wasn't bothered until my other coworker joined in and said "Of course shes hungry! Look at her!".... Now don't get me wrong, I will gladly accept a compliment, but I took this as more of an insult. Its as if she was insinuating that I'm thin because I starve myself and I go around hungry all day. Just because someone is in shape and doesn't stuff their face 24 hours a day, does not mean that they starve themselves. It means they know how to have self control. I DO NOT starve myself, I eat plenty, and I also do moderate exercise. Thats why I'm not fat... and also the fact that I have good genetics. My parents are both thin, and I've thin all my life. A few years ago I was about 30 pounds heavier than I am now, and that was the most Ive weighed in my life... I still wasn't overweight but I was bigger than what I was used to and I didnt like it. I didnt feel as confident about myself, and I didn't feel healthy... so I did something about it and now I'm back to my usual size... and I didnt lose the weight by starving myself either. I did it by exercising and cutting down my portions. I feel like if you're unhappy with your weight, then do something about it.... dont try to make people feel guilty who DO take care of themselves. So let me ask you.... would you be offended by this? Fat people get offended when someone says "You don't need that piece of chocolate cake! Put that down!"... so how is it any different to tell a skinny person that they look like they NEED to go eat something. Do you not see anything wrong with comments like these either? Am I just being too defensive? Just looking for your honest opinion.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

firefly789 said:


> The best response is humor, "Nah, we're just doing a lot of practice right now. How about you?"
> 
> Humor or not, when asked a rude question, *I always ask or end with a question. Even if it's just, "Why do you ask?" with a slightly shocked/puzzled question. This puts them in the hot seat.*


I think this is a very good idea ~~ :smthumbup:



The way THIS particular Co-worker has been described....she sounds like she is boisterous around everyone... even if she hardly knows them and a loud mouth at work, she probably doesn't even get much work done I'm guessing.... 

Her primary temperament is surely Sanguine...as they are very openly friendly , love to talk, tell jokes & flutter around as though everyone is their best friend....even though they are not. It's kind of a inborn flaw of the "super extroverted" Sanguine...which could ruffle the introverted Melancholy's feathers... for instance. 

Does much of this describe this Co-worker >>>.



> The 4 Temperaments explained
> 
> Sanguines are lively, outgoing, friendly people-people. They derive their energy from being around others, and as such have many friends and like parties. They're most alive when surrounded by friends.
> *They tend to talk to strangers openly and often, and cheerily so;* generally people feel comfortable with a sanguine talking to them, almost as if that sanguine has known them all their life. They have a lot of confidence, and a lively and fun way of talking.
> ...


Contrast that with: 


> *The Melancholy
> *
> Melancholy people are the opposite of the sanguine personality. They are quiet and are refreshed by quiet surroundings. They are not opposed to people, but interacting with others drains their energy. Unlike the sanguine who never meets a stranger and makes a new best friend every day, melancholy personalities need to take time to get to know people. They WILL develop relationships and enjoy interacting with groups, but they need to feel comfortable before “letting loose”.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

kittykatz said:


> Well I don't just work there... my dad actually owns the place. So I'm not too worried about losing my job... if anything, she should be the one worried about losing her job. Even though Im an adult, my dad is still very protective over me and he does not take too kindly to people who are rude to his daughter. If I told HIM about it, I have no doubt in my mind that he would probably be the one to talk to her about it... but I haven't mentioned anything about it to him because I don't want to make a big deal over it. Like I said, I just keep hoping that she will drop the issue.. When you make comments to someone about something more than once, and all you get is an awkward silence, most people would take that as "ok, I guess this isn't something she wants to open up about. Maybe I shouldn't bring it up again." Thats how I would take it... except if it was me, I'd never bring it up in the first place.


 That's pretty helpful having Dad as the Boss here... but I have to agree with you, at this point, I wouldn't make a big deal of it... actually you could grow through this situation, in my opinion... 

I have a great enjoyment of studying temperaments...have some books... Did a thread on it here ...(*with tests*)>> 


My guess is You are primarily *Melancholy* due to your admitting you are offended easily (this is one of their weaknesses)....every temperament has STRENGTHS and Weaknesses .. none is better or worse over another, but they are VERY DIFFERENT......coming to understand ourselves and cultivating our strengths while slowly overcoming those debilitating weaknesses can transform our lives!! 

I am secondary *Melancholy* and I've come a long way over the years.

So much of these issues between people is NOT understanding other people... Your Co-workers brain waves does not think like yours... and yours does not THINK like hers....so whether she will stop or not is likely more due to *maturity** in understanding others* , taking a step back and saying ..."Hmmmmm maybe I should stop doing this?"... But I wouldn't count on it... very few people are *"self aware"* in this world..... unfortunate to say. 



> I know plenty of people who are married and don't have any kids... and I will admit I'm sometimes curious why they don't.. but I have NEVER and will never come out and ask them "So why don't you guys have any kids?!". You never know what their response will be. It could be something as simple as "We plan on it soon.We're just not ready yet"....or "we don't want any"... OR they could say "We'd love to have kids. We've been trying for 10 years. Thanks so much for bringing it up!" I would feel like absolute crap.


 And that's fine...if someone was more outgoing and wanted to share about themselves, they still have that opportunity....and take the risk you might be bored out of your mind to hear any of that... It always takes someone to speak 1st. If the world was full of introverts - life would be pretty quiet and uneventful.... if the world was full of Extroverts, it'd be one loud chaotic boisterous Party going on from Sun up to SUN down. 



> My ex coworker (She quit a few months ago, thankfully) was very similar to this woman. Very loud... crude.. and she'd always ask me the same thing.. "When are you going to have a baby!? Its your turn now! You need to have one!" and I'd give her the same response... I'd never give her any real information... Id just act uninterested in the topic and say something like "I don't know", but yet that still didnt stop her from bringing it up again.. and again.


 I might ask a person once for pure curiosity's sake... but after that, I would get the feeling the other person didn't like me due to not answering...but I am very sensitive like that - because I am a *melancholy*! 



> I'll be the first to admit that I'm kind of a sensitive person and I do get offended fairly easily... *but I still feel like people need to think about things that they say a little more carefully before just blurting out whatever comes into their head.*


 And right HERE is the inborn FLAW of the *Sanguine* personality type.... they can overcome this too (with some self awareness - looking at themselves, asking the right questions ..caring to understand other people).... 

But this can be as difficult for them as it is for the *Melancholy* to lay down being easily offended.....or let's say the *Phlegmatic* to be more confrontationally assertive ...(one of their struggles) where as the *Choleric* (My primary temperament)...that comes quite naturally!! Keeping my mouth shut when I get angry (would be one of my flaws) -which is in utter contrast to the *Melancholy* (even though it is my 2nd temperament)...this likely evens me out some ...then I defer to "wisdom" and inner strength...and hopefully don't blow my top anyway. 

I hope this is making a little bit of sense...the differences we all share. 



> If you're going to say something that you even THINK could possibly offend someone, then you shouldn't be shocked if you don't get the response you were hoping for. If you're around someone who is known to be more reserved, quiet, or easily offended, then you just need to be more careful with what you say around them than you normally would


 People should THINK more, you are correct.. this is something the *Melancholy* does very well, he is the deepest thinker of them all! He basically analyzes everything to death...fine tooth combing the details. 



> ... that is, unless you just enjoy offending people. In my ex coworker's case, sometimes she made me wonder if she actually enjoyed making me feel uncomfortable. She'd sometimes make comments, usually sexual comments, about my husband and I.... in front of everyone. Usually it would make me uncomfortable and I'd get embarrassed, and she would just laugh about it.... and then she'd be like "I was just joking, please dont be mad at me!".


Again because her BRAIN functions so much on FUN and JOKING, adventure, living in the moment... she does not comprehend that this could hurt anyone.. I know ...I know ... this sounds ridiculous to you right now.. but this is how it often works.... 

Just a side note about myself here... As I think I made myself look like an a$$ on this thread originally... I feel kinda honored you are asking me these questions here 

If I had to say the Temperament that RUBS me the worst....it is most 100% the Sanguine, every weakness they have I abhor.... I can not stand Joking partiers who start projects & never finish, they act like your best friend & could care less about you, they are the least dependable of any temperament and the most conceited (well Cholerics are too )....



> I never did speak my mind about that particular issue, but I wish I would have because its something that still bothers me and she doesnt even work there anymore. I would just always think wow.... *if she really was just joking, she has a screwed up sense of humor.* Who would find it amusing or humorous to constantly make inappropriate comments to someone, seeing that it made them uncomfortable, but then yet you still continue to do it. I just don't understand how someone can get off on making others feel embarrassed. *I think maybe it made her feel better about herself*.


 This last part could be true...this is a subtle type of Bullying behavior... there are various types of humor too...(have a thread on that too)... Some have cruder humor (some toilet humor ).. no doubt but Yes, she took it too far if she could visibly SEE that it was HURTING YOU.. .there is a line that others should be conscious of..... Always....even if they don't understand...that is "empathetic". 



> Getting back to the subject of my current coworker, if I actually cared about this woman or how she felt about me, I WOULD let her know that what she said bothered me... If she feels she has been "stabbed in the back" because I have these negative feelings towards her and never expressed it, I honestly don't care.


 from what you have said, I doubt she would feel that .... BUT she probably does wonder why you won't respond & thinks it's just odd. But then she moves on to someone else & all is forgotten. 



> I understand that you don't see anything wrong with people asking this type of question.... and that you're "open for discussion"... and you even mention your struggle to get pregnant for a SECOND time. It makes me wonder how long it took you to get pregnant the first time.


 Very easily.. I can not expect anyone here to understand my pain -given I had 1... all I can point to is my childhood... I was abandoned by my mother...who had a nervous breakdown & ran off with a drunk...ended up living with a step Mom who didn't want me there...no siblings.. I can't say I was all that lonely- because I had FRIENDS in my life....but even then....

I was envious of those with larger families..who had the JOY of sisters/ brothers, that Mother /daughter thing.... I wanted that for my LIFE...it was the desire of my heart , every dream .... I knew I would never have any biological nieces/ nephews, I had very few cousins....let's just say....I felt somewhat ALONE in this world.. besides a scant handful of family & I can't say we were "close". 



> As another poster said, having one child and having none are completely different things


 Yes, they are.... and I shouldn't have spoken so carelessly on it... Frankly I feel I would have been so devastated in that situation I might have been impossible to live with... I hate to say this about myself... so I feel God spared me somehow. 



> Since you're open for discussion about things, and don't seem to get easily offended, I'd like to get your opinion on this. Tell me what YOU would do or say in this situation. Today, one of my coworkers made a comment to me (this is a completely different coworker than the one I was talking about before) and it bothered me. This coworker is much younger, shes only 17... but I still think shes old enough to know better.
> *She is very nosey*... shes asked me questions before about my financial situation... When she found out that I'm staying in my dad's rental house, *the first thing that came out of her mouth was "Does he charge you rent?!".* Maybe a week later, *she started asking me about my car*.... she said to me *"How much did you pay for your car? $20,000?" *I felt like telling her it was none of her business but I didn't want to make things awkward, so instead, I brushed it off as usual and just responded with "yea... somewhere around there..."


 I would probably respond by asking her a question (like *firefly789* suggested)... I am thinking maybe she is feeling you are getting a free ride -Daddy is buying you stuff, taking care of you.... maybe a little jealous there ??? what do YOU think?? Wishing she was in your situation.... so she is being nosey... I don't know. I don't think we should throw our "Pearls before swine ".... if you've never heard that expression... it's about giving anyone with faulty motives too much information about us... so they can use it against us later on... She is surely asking too much. (I could see her asking if she loved your car & was thinking of buying one just like it...asking the price tag, I can see Men doing this for instance, no sweat...*it's always the motivation behind everything*.) 



> Here lately shes been making comments about my weight. *She is a bigger, curvy girl.*.. and I am on the thin side. I'm about 5'3 and 113 pounds... I'll admit I'm thin but I look still look healthy. She asked me once "*How much do you weigh*?" So I told her... and she just looked at me in shock and said "I'd do anything to weigh that much!" I took it as a compliment at first.


 Even though you allowed this comment to slip from you ...as a compliment, I wouldn't have... regardless of how she acts.. .



> Well, my coworker (the loud obnoxious one) said something to me like "You havent ate anything have you? Aren't you hungry?" I wasn't too bothered by this... I wasn't bothered until my other coworker joined in and said *"Of course shes hungry! Look at her!"*.... Now don't get me wrong, I will gladly accept a compliment, but I took this as more of an insult.


 Yeah, it's not the greatest thing to say... but NO, I wouldn't be offended by this.. simply because in your own VIEW of yourself... you feel healthy, you LIKE your body weigh, I assume your husband does as well, so such comments should SLIDE off of you, instead remind yourself of her original compliment....expressing her WISH to be your size (you was 113 then and you are 113 now).. right ??



> Its as if she was insinuating that I'm thin because I starve myself and I go around hungry all day. Just because someone is in shape and doesn't stuff their face 24 hours a day, does not mean that they starve themselves.


 Honestly I highly doubt all of this even entered her head... she just spoke in a quick moment commenting on how thin you are - just not weighing how it might strike you...that's my guess. I think WE can read many things into others comments -if we over analyze.. I have a tendency to do this myself but will stop and weight the source many times.. 



> I feel like if you're unhappy with your weight, then do something about it.... dont try to make people feel guilty who DO take care of themselves. So let me ask you.... would you be offended by this? Fat people get offended when someone says "You don't need that piece of chocolate cake! Put that down!"... so how is it any different to tell a skinny person that they look like they NEED to go eat something. Do you not see anything wrong with comments like these either? Am I just being too defensive? Just looking for your honest opinion.


 My thoughts are this.... Everyone overweight would choose to be THINNER in a heartbeat..this I believe...just as you attested you felt more confident once you lost the 30 lbs......so in this way... I feel you need to stand confident here also.... 

We can't change the way PEOPLE are, and how they talk to us...just breathing ..and mingling with others ...we open ourselves to small attacks every day ...but we don't want to be blown by the wind of others comments....allowing this to have POWER over us, our moods.... (sometimes we need corrected, sure ...so it's not wise to ignore EVERYONE...consider what was spoken... weight it...look at yourself in the mirror... adjust if necessary...or THROW IT OUT)... Pull from the inside and shield yourself from these darts....you LOVE who you are, you are proud of the weight you lost...they are just ribbing you...this is what you tell yourself.... 

People ....they can be a pain in the a$$ .....but life would be boring without them!...that's the attitude. 

I once had a friend look at my hair and say ...."You have the most lovely gray hair ____"... I just laughed...didn't bother me at all....I probably made a comment about being thankful living in the day of hair dye... I know I still look good so long as I have some of that in my shopping cart [email protected]#$ 



*I love questions kittykatz - Thank you for asking !*


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Thanks for responding. 

I've seen other posts of yours and I don't think you meant to come off the way that you did at first. Thats why I didn't get too worked up about it. I saw in a previous thread you were talking about some lady who was asked about the baby thing.... From the way you described it, she was overreacting. It does definitely irritate me when people ask me that question... especially when they do it repeatedly, but I do realize that its just their personality. I dont think they're TRYING to be rude... just being talkative and outspoken, because thats how they are. If it wasn't for the fact that Ive been trying to get pregnant for over a year, I wouldn't be so bothered by the question... but its already such a stressful thing. Wondering if this month is the month... and then to have people all over your back saying "when are you going to have a baby??" it just makes things that much more stressful and frustrating. 

I just cant wait until the day that I do find out I'm pregnant so that I don't have to deal with this question anymore. Of course once I have one, I realize they'll be asking "So when are you having another one??" but by that point, I honestly don't think the question will bother me as much. 

I do think that my coworker is jealous. Most everyone that I work with seems to think that my dad just hands over money to my husband and I whenever we need it. It is true that he is letting us stay in his rental house rent free... this is not a permanent thing though. Its just so that we could save up money quicker to put as a down payment on our own house. We still pay our own bills, our own car payment, car insurance, etc.... my husband also has a motorcyle which he recently paid off. All that stuff is completely ours.... my husband took out a loan for our car. My parents had nothing to do with it. My husband and I don't make a lot of money but we know how to cut corners to save money. We don't waste money on beer, cigarettes, or any of the other things that my coworkers blow money on... We dont go out to eat much, I dont go shopping much... and thats how we can afford a $350 car payment, along with all of our other bills. People that I work with seem to think that because my parents own a business (its a very SMALL business by the way) that they are millionaires and that they just give me whatever I want. Aside from giving us free rent, thats all that they do for us, and its plenty... I wouldnt ask for anything else. I didn't even ask for free rent... they offered. 

One time my husband was at work and he left the car lights on... one of my dad's employees said to him "hey you left your lights on.... I guess thats ok though. Your father in law will buy you a new battery if that one goes dead." I wasnt there when this was said but just hearing about it really pissed me off. When our battery goes dead, we buy another one. When we need new tires, we buy them. Whatever we need, we take care of it... because unlike most people that work for my dad, we know how to manage our money.

I admitted to my coworker that I get free rent but I later regretted telling her. I'm not good when people put me on the spot like that.. I just felt I needed to come up with an answer and I didnt want to lie... but it wouldnt have really mattered if I did, because its none of her business anyway. I do question her intentions.... I didnt get the impression that she asked about the car because she was thinking about buying one. Shes 17, her bf has no job, and she has a baby to support.... I highly doubt she has 20,000 in the bank and highly doubt she could get a loan. I felt like she was just asking because shes nosy and probably because she is somewhat jealous. I guess I'm going to have to try responding to her by asking a question, as another poster suggested. If I turned the tables around on her, she might not be so inquisitive. Either that, or I can just give her extremely vague answers and let her wonder about the rest. 

The only problem is that she seems to be the kind of person that isn't satisfied by vague answers... she will keep trying to pry until she gets the answer she wants. Just the other day I heard her ask my first shift manager "Do you make minimum wage like the rest of us?" My manager said "Well since I'm the manager, I make a little bit more". My coworker couldn't just leave it at that... she questioned her even further asking "Like about $8 an hour or something like that?". I was shocked. Isn't it a general rule that you don't ask other coworkers how much money they make? Thats usually a topic that is off limits because all it does is cause problems. People get jealous that someone else is making more than them, so its better to just not talk about it. 

Yes I was 113 lbs when she asked me about the weight thing... she asked me this just a few weeks ago. I've been around this same weight for a while now. This is the weight Ive always been actually... I didnt gain the 30 lbs until right around the time I got married, or maybe shortly after. I think it was just a stressful time for me, and being married was such a big change... I just started eating more junk and I guess I figured since I'd always been skinny that I wouldn't gain weight... but I did. I stayed that weight for a year or two until I realized I was sick of it, I didn't feel as good about myself and needed to make a change.

I can see what you're saying... If Im confident in myself and how I am then I shouldnt be bothered when people make comments about my size. I know that I'm healthy. I think I might have over analyzed her comment about me looking hungry.... but thats how I am. As soon as she said it, at first I didnt mind because I figured she was just saying it as a compliment, as she did before... but then I started to think "wait a minute... what did she mean by that?" And I started picking it apart... thats what I do.

My coworkers also act jealous over the fact that my parents have a tanning bed.... Tanning beds arent even all that expensive. You can get one for a few hundred bucks. I know plenty of people who have them and don't make a lot of money... but they act like its some luxurious thing that only people who make as much money as my parents could afford. I use their tanning bed a couple times a week, and my coworkers always ask me "Did you go tanning today!??". I remember the first time they asked me where I go tanning... and I told them that I go to my parents house. They just kind of rolled their eyes and had this look on their face like oh of course her parents have a tanning bed! what dont they have? They didnt say that but that was the impression I got. One of them (the loud one) even said to me once "Do you think they'd let you invite a friend over?"... she laughed like she was joking but I have no doubt that if my parents offered her to use their tanning bed, she'd be over there without hesitation. She seems like she'd be one of those people that would be friends with someone just to see what she could get out of them. 

I think I have pretty good judgement though, and I would never be friends with someone if I felt they were just going to use me. Out of all the people that have worked for my dad, I've only met ONE of them that I thought was being genuine and wasn't interested in using me. Unfortunately, she doesnt work there anymore. It just seems like every other female that works there and ever has worked there, is just too jealous and petty, and is more interested in what I could do for them than really being friends with me. It sucks but I dont mind it all that much... Im the type of person that cares more about my quality of friends than my quantity.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

kittykatz said:


> I've seen other posts of yours and I don't think you meant to come off the way that you did at first. Thats why I didn't get too worked up about it.


 Well that's good.... you considered the source... ha ha.. with my being a Choleric, I can naturally come off a little brash (if I don't watch [email protected]#)... I have my moments [email protected]# 



> I saw in a previous thread you were talking about some lady who was asked about the baby thing.... From the way you described it, she was overreacting.


 In her case, she had a horrible upbringing , her mother hated having kids, there was abuse...& she didn't trust herself to be a Mother...She held much bitterness ....there is always a STORY behind people...that's why , when I am out & about in public and someone is RUDE...I don't take it personal too much -because I have no idea what they are dealing with at home. Or again, it could just be a personality thing too. 



> It does definitely irritate me when people ask me that question... especially when they do it repeatedly, but I do realize that its just their personality. I dont think they're TRYING to be rude... just being talkative and outspoken, because thats how they are. If it wasn't for the fact that Ive been trying to get pregnant for over a year, I wouldn't be so bothered by the question... but its already such a stressful thing. Wondering if this month is the month... and then to have people all over your back saying "when are you going to have a baby??" it just makes things that much more stressful and frustrating.


 I just watched a Lifetime movie this morning about a 16 yr old getting pregnant, it showed the side of her ordeal with her Mother ....along with the Teacher who went through 4 Invitros , a failed adoption and devastation of trying to conceive....how this teen chose them for her sons Birth Parents...I was balling half the movie....thinking of this thread too. 



> I just cant wait until the day that I do find out I'm pregnant so that I don't have to deal with this question anymore. Of course once I have one, I realize they'll be asking "So when are you having another one??" but by that point, I honestly don't think the question will bother me as much.


 It won't bother you as much.. You may even be happy to express your story & how blessed you feel ... 



> I do think that my coworker is jealous. Most everyone that I work with seems to think that my dad just hands over money to my husband and I whenever we need it. It is true that he is letting us stay in his rental house rent free... this is not a permanent thing though. *Its just so that we could save up money quicker to put as a down payment on our own house*. We still pay our own bills, our own car payment, car insurance, etc.... my husband also has a motorcyle which he recently paid off. All that stuff is completely ours.... my husband took out a loan for our car. My parents had nothing to do with it. *My husband and I don't make a lot of money but we know how to cut corners to save money. We don't waste money on beer, cigarettes, or any of the other things that my coworkers blow money on... We dont go out to eat much, I dont go shopping much... and thats how we can afford a $350 car payment, along with all of our other bills.* People that I work with seem to think that because my parents own a business (its a very SMALL business by the way) that they are millionaires and that they just give me whatever I want. Aside from giving us free rent, thats all that they do for us, and its plenty...* I wouldnt ask for anything else. I didn't even ask for free rent... they offered*.


 If I was your Parents, I would ALSO offer to help you - if I had the funds and means..you know why...you both sound* very responsible *and careful with your money!! I wouldn't help a child who blew their money, I'd feel like they needed to learn the hard way.

I had plenty of Co-workers who lived like that...they were always broke....It's all in what are priorities are.



> One time my husband was at work and he left the car lights on... one of my dad's employees said to him "hey you left your lights on.... I guess thats ok though. Your father in law will buy you a new battery if that one goes dead." I wasnt there when this was said but just hearing about it really pissed me off. When our battery goes dead, we buy another one. When we need new tires, we buy them. Whatever we need, we take care of it... because unlike most people that work for my dad, we know how to manage our money.
> 
> 
> *I admitted to my coworker that I get free rent but I later regretted telling her.* I'm not good when people put me on the spot like that.. I just felt I needed to come up with an answer and I didnt want to lie... but it wouldnt have really mattered if I did, because its none of her business anyway. *I do question her intentions*....


 Many people might have "White Lied" here... I am not sure I would do it myself BUT had I been in your shoes, I would have said that outside of this..."we cover every dime" and it's only temporary (yes it's offering more details... but that little bit of detail might have stopped a few rumors which unfortunately led to that comment to your husband about the battery...... but then again....

Some are mean spirited and would say it anyway....I would guess that many of them had difficult childhoods and resent the fact they didn't have parents like yours, they feel cheated..... so they make fun of you - to feel a comradeship/ brotherhood with the other workers...they ARE jealous in this sense. I doubt any of them would say..."Hey Dad, NO... I can't let you do that for us... but thank you"... 




> Shes 17, her bf has no job, and she has a baby to support.... I highly doubt she has 20,000 in the bank and highly doubt she could get a loan. I felt like she was just asking because shes nosy and probably because she is somewhat jealous.


She's poking to see just how GOOD your dad is to you .. 



> *I guess I'm going to have to try responding to her by asking a question, as another poster suggested.* If I turned the tables around on her, she might not be so inquisitive.


 :smthumbup:



> The only problem is that she seems to be the kind of person that isn't satisfied by vague answers... she will keep trying to pry until she gets the answer she wants. Just the other day I heard her ask my first shift manager "Do you make minimum wage like the rest of us?" My manager said "Well since I'm the manager, I make a little bit more". My coworker couldn't just leave it at that... she questioned her even further asking "Like about $8 an hour or something like that?". I was shocked. Isn't it a general rule that you don't ask other coworkers how much money they make? Thats usually a topic that is off limits because all it does is cause problems. People get jealous that someone else is making more than them, so its better to just not talk about it.


 YES....likely most people will be ANNOYED with the answer and go whine somewhere How they *deserve *to earn just as much....people always seem to downplay their own hand but anxious to ridicule another -too often in the workplace... My husband deals with this one co-worker...HE feels he deserves HIS place in seniority - well damn it, my husband was hired 1st..months before him (but because he had more original experience- he is ticked - it's not my husband's fault!)  but yet he is BITTER about it... it's totally uncalled for... so my husband puts up with his comments, every now & then he blows his top, gets in his face with the finger... I like hearing this somehow, cause he is very reserved ...but yet, he HAS it IN HIM to tell someone off when he knows he doesn't deserve the SH**. 

Though I'm going to tell you, I don't think all people are like that, just cause they ask a question...I don't go around asking this sort of question unless it's my close GF's and yeah...we're curious to hear what a Job pays...had friends move 4 hours away, kinda drastic...so sure I asked how much will he be making... she willingly offered that to me... would have told me anyway. We're happy for each other, we're moving up in the world... (I know it's different in the same workplace I suppose) 



> I can see what you're saying... If Im confident in myself and how I am then I shouldnt be bothered when people make comments about my size. I know that I'm healthy.* I think I might have over analyzed her comment about me looking hungry.... but thats how I am*. As soon as she said it, at first I didnt mind because I figured she was just saying it as a compliment, as she did before... but then I started to think "wait a minute... what did she mean by that?" And I started picking it apart... thats what I do.


 Yes, I know that's what you DO...because you are naturally "wired" this way... just like she will blurt things out at the top of her head ....not even thinking about her words... 

I could say I am wired to be impatient, demanding, and brash (not exactly shining characteristics)... but I KNOW these are things I NEED to work on ...Temper them DOWN ....if I want to get along in this world with other people & wear a genuine  ...and MEAN IT... 



> My coworkers also act jealous over the fact that my parents have a tanning bed.... Tanning beds arent even all that expensive. You can get one for a few hundred bucks. I know plenty of people who have them and don't make a lot of money... but they act like its some luxurious thing that only people who make as much money as my parents could afford.* I use their tanning bed a couple times a week,* and my coworkers always ask me "Did you go tanning today!??". I remember the first time they asked me where I go tanning... and I told them that I go to my parents house. They just kind of rolled their eyes and had this look on their face like oh of course her parents have a tanning bed! what dont they have? They didnt say that but that was the impression I got.


 I just watched this clip, but it's focus was more on the SUNLESS tanning lotion- how this can affect your fertility.... I would assume you have looked into Tanning beds and their effects as well... just a thought and also for the husband, the last thing you need is HIS getting overheated alot, as it can affect his sperm count. 

Is Fake Tanning Affecting Your Fertility? 

BUt yeah....the more you talk about these co-workers, they seem like they want to take a ride on your blessings... and are showing their true colors of jealousy -in their words and poking comments, using whatever they can. 



> One of them (the loud one) even said to me once "Do you think they'd let you invite a friend over?"... *she laughed like she was joking but I have no doubt that if my parents offered her to use their tanning bed, she'd be over there without hesitation.* She seems like she'd be one of those people that would be friends with someone just to see what she could get out of them.


 I am sure you are 100% right on this, she laughed it off as a joke because she knows she is not good friends with you & has no right to ask... Joking affords many things... that way they can say..."HEY...it was just a JOKE"... 



> *I think I have pretty good judgement though, and I would never be friends with someone if I felt they were just going to use me*. Out of all the people that have worked for my dad, I've only met ONE of them that I thought was being genuine and wasn't interested in using me. Unfortunately, she doesnt work there anymore. *It just seems like every other female that works there and ever has worked there, is just too jealous and petty, and is more interested in what I could do for them than really being friends with me.* It sucks but I dont mind it all that much... Im the type of person that cares more about my quality of friends than my quantity.


 We all need to watch we are not taken advantage of... good for you :smthumbup:.. I too believe.."Quality" is more important.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> You're right...beings I had 1 child .....*It's not the same* as having none....
> 
> once we went to an Infertility Retreat.... sat, listened to the heartbreaking stories many couples who had none...some 10 yrs trying...still believing for their 1st....it was a good friend who felt I should go -she was the originator of that Retreat/ put it together.....I watched many of them plant a tree for a future child....I cried with them....and I didn't feel I belonged there either.....I am tearing up NOW just thinking about it....


I think secondary infertility is even more isolating. People without infertility don't understand how you feel. So do the people who've never had a kid. They resent you for the one (or more) that you do have. They don't think you should be justified to feel the way that you do.

This thread illustrates just that point.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Before my husband and I finally got pregnant with our son. Family would ask... So when are you two going to have one. This went on for quite a few years. There was a big family function one year Thanksgiving or Christmas, I can't remember which. A family member of mine asked me when we were going to have a baby. I went OFF on them and said the next person who askes is going to get a fork up their ass. It was a very touchy subject for me, because well i couldn't get pregnant. They had no idea we have issues trying to have a baby.

After 12 years of trying. I gave up. I was 30 and at that point in my life I enjoyed having no children.. The low and behold October (3 months after my 30th birthday) I found out i was pregnant. That was a HUGE shock to say the least. My husband and I never thought it would happen..

Our son will be 4 in June and we are expecting #2 in Dec. We never thought we would have one let alone two.

Sometimes things take a little longer then expected!

Unless the woman knew your exact situation I don't think she meant it to be hurtful. 
Some woman have no issues becoming pregnant others do. I know it sucks... Shoot my cousin and her husband got pregnant on their first try. 

Don't give up, it will happen =)


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## Gruff (Feb 27, 2012)

Extremely rude question. I would have given a blank stare and then changed the subject.


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## Sunshine Cadillac (Apr 30, 2013)

I think some people are just insensitive to how their comments may affect other people and don't think about what they say before speaking. And others are more sensitive to what has been said.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

I can't resist when I get questions like that which border on the highly personal. I'd have said something like, "Oh no, my wife is just serving as a test subject for the latest research on sperm competition in humans," or some such.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

This thread started out about questioning over a possible pregnancy... but if you've read the extent of Kitty Katz replies... really *much more* is going on here... as she & her husband is being ridiculed at work by.... what it appears to be..... intrusive jealous co-workers ...over a variety of issues...from her weight -being naturally thin...to her parents owning a Tanning Salon...to feeling her & her husband (also working there) get special treatment from Daddy/ the boss...many comments of "Must be nice _______"....

It sounds a rather stressful environment to work in....and when she acts evasive...they tend to start rumors... if she's open/ gives too much information...they may use this against her as well.



larry.gray said:


> I think secondary infertility is even more isolating. People without infertility don't understand how you feel. So do the people who've never had a kid. They resent you for the one (or more) that you do have. They don't think you should be justified to feel the way that you do.
> 
> This thread illustrates just that point.


I appreciate that Larry Gray ... given most people think you have a screw loose for wanting a larger family today..like why would you invite all that chaos into your life.... this guy my husband works (already mentioned this on here- I think) feels all kids are "money sucking leeches"...his common reference.... he's happy spoiling their dog....it's just funny...we all think differently and desire different things in life. 

Through it all...I had my husbands understanding ...he knew how I envied larger families all my growing up years.....never liked being an only child (though pretty common today, it wasn't when I was younger)...& wanted so bad to give our son sisters & brothers, something I never had...... 

When we 1st got married, I even bought a bunk bed in preparation for children...a little pre-mature...but in due time, that 2nd bunk claimed a sibling.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I agree with those who say that they would not ask this question unless it was someone they knew very well and were 'close' to. In any event I would probably leave something like that to DW (who is way better at these sorts of things than me).

Nice exchange between OP and SA (whose posts I always enjoy and learn from).


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Those of us who speak up naturally, are naturally more open, and rarely take offense to personal questions.


Uh - I'd like to argue against that. I'm a very outgoing "A type" personality person who can strike up a conversation with nearly anyone. I am also perfectly capable of speaking up in my own defense, and have no problem doing so. 

I still think some things are incredibly rude to ask, infer, state, or comment on. Some things are simply no one else's business. (Aren't the off-topic things at work generally sex, religion, and politics? And asking someone about conception efforts could very well lead to a very TMI answer about the couple in question's sex life.) 

I think inferring that people just can't help themselves being rude because its their personality type or they just can't help themselves is a problem. I honestly think there might be a bit too much of that in the world today, where because everyone is unique and special, and has one disorder or another, we are losing our basic expectation of social decorum. 

I come it from a different perspective, I suppose. I have an only, and live in an area where large families (my husband is one of six, my MIL was one of 12) are very common. So I get asked about my conception plans and status -all the time- by random strangers at the mall, the grocery store, the post office, the playground, basically anywhere I go with him, people feel the compulsion to comment that he's an only and ask why. Some people even go a step further and start getting religious about it and talking about the duties of the faithful, etc. 

So whether you have none, one, or more than one, this can really invasive, and a huge trigger for a lot of people for various reasons (infertility, a child death, marriage problems, etc) - and thus, is a touchy topic to get into unless you know someone fairly well. Part of me finds it hard to believe that a fully functional adult doesn't on at least some level know that. 

So - yes, OP, I'll say I agree this was rude. 

However, there's no cut and dry way to deal with this, as these folks are your co-workers. A flippant remark might make things worse (given that they seem to like to dig up trouble to poke at you being the owner's daughter), so - I might say that one line/minimal answers and changing the topic might be the way to go. 

- "How much do you weight?" Answer: "Enough"


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