# Wife hates best friend



## maddude (Feb 24, 2013)

I have a best friend (girl) and my wife doesn't like her at all.. 

I have been best friends with this girl before I met my wife and I don't want to give up my friend because my wife feels insecure..

My wife and I aren't currently in the same city (but my wife and my friend are) so when I go visit I also sometimes visit my friend which always leads to tense exchanges for about a day with my wife..

Any advice?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

The friend needs to go.

Sorry.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

What do you value more, your marriage or your friendship? If the answer is both, get a divorce because your wife deserves better. The thing that makes marriages successful in the long run is more than just the fact that you guys are amazing in bed, you need to best friends outside the bedroom.


Oh and btw, did you ever have the hots for this best friend in the past? Be honest now.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long have you been married? When you do get in the same town as your wife, how long are you there for? Is your best friend in a relationship with someone? Was she ever more than a "friend"?

In general, I agree with Mavash. You need to decide who your priority is... Your wife or your best friend. 

C


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## maddude (Feb 24, 2013)

Married for less than a year 

Best friend is also married 

and no nothing between us


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

maddude said:


> I have a best friend (girl) and my wife doesn't like her at all..
> 
> I have been best friends with this girl before I met my wife and I don't want to give up my friend because my wife feels insecure..
> 
> ...


Ditch the friend


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You could try going out for a couples dinner, instead of just seeing your friend. But your wife may be past the point of wanting to spend time with your friend at all.

C


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Why did you NOT consider this a problem BEFORE you married your wife? 

Surely wife and best friend KNEW each other!
Was there animosity/jealousy then?
Has something changed? For you? Wife? Best friend?

I feel like there's a LOT more story we're not getting. Why would this SUDDENLY be a problem? 

*Please START at the beginning, maddude, so we can understand the problem in its proper context and give you our best advice on the situation.*

Ages: you? wife? best friend?
How long married?
How long known wife? Best friend?
Ever slept with best friend (ever gone over the line...even when single?)
Why are you in a different city?
How long have you been there/will you be there?
Does wife work?
Any children?
Best friend got a Significant Other?
If so, how does HE feel about your relationship with best friend?

*I notice this is your FIRST post, maddude, so WELCOME. We're NOT trying to be nosy, but without full information, we won't understand where you, wife & best friend are coming from.*

.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

You're going to have to decide what is more important, your marriage or your friend. Marriage is about boundries. If your wife has a problem with you having a close relationship with an individual of the opposite sex, I don't care how platonic it is, you need to cut that off.


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## maddude (Feb 24, 2013)

Ages: you? wife? best friend?
all around 30 

How long married?
less than a year

How long known wife? Best friend?
wife 4 years
best friend 5 years

Ever slept with best friend (ever gone over the line...even when single?):
Nope

Why are you in a different city?
Work commitments 

How long have you been there/will you be there?
a few years 

Does wife work?
yeah 

Any children?
no 

Best friend got a Significant Other?
she is married also 

If so, how does HE feel about your relationship with best friend?
He has never had a problem 
.

Wife has never hit it off with the friend..

And I try to take her with me when I meet my friend - unless she backs out 

Also we have hung out all 4 of us


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Did you ever stop to think that your wife may have picked up on a vibe she got from the "best friend"? You know, one you are SOOOOOO completely oblivious to? 

I'm with everyone else. Who means more to you? Your wife or your friend? Your wife has had a problem with this woman from the start. It's not a difficult concept to grasp, really.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

As soon as I read the title of your thread, I knew your friend was female.

It's either/or. And, yes, it's that simple.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If your marriage is important to you at all, you need to ditch the friend.

I don't understand why people jeopardize their marriages over the 'principle' of having a 'best' OS friend. The gut reactions to things like this are real and happen for a reason.

Decide what's important. You should respect your W more, in my opinion.


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## maddude (Feb 24, 2013)

Thanks for all the advice


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

Take your pick. Simple as that. And no I dont need more information.


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## eniale (Jan 8, 2013)

Maddude

Let me tell you what happened to me. When my H and I were in college just about to graduate and get married that summer, I met an ex GF of his. I got a strong feeling from her that she was not finished and was disappointed that he was getting married to me. I did not get this feeling from him at all, only her so I did not say anything.

Fast forward 20 years. My husband engaged in an email, and phone conversation EA with said ex GF. He said he just wanted to catch up and was blindsided by the emotions they still had for each other even after 20 years.

So my advice is let the friend go if you want to have a happy marriage with your wife. You chose her and she deserves to have all of you.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Does your wife have problems with ANYONE else in your life?

Mother? Sisters? Brothers?

If not, then I'd agree you need to ditch the best friend. If your wife has LOTS of problems with lots of people (which you have NOT indicated), then *that* would be telling in itself.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

maddude said:


> I have a best friend (girl) and my wife doesn't like her at all..
> 
> I have been best friends with this girl before I met my wife and I don't want to give up my friend because my wife feels insecure..
> 
> ...


Yup. Make your wife your best friend. Ditch the chick and be all in on your marriage. 

Your wife has every right to want to protect her marriage. The insecurity is yours. If you cannot let the GF go then you are too emotionally bonded and this is the definition of an EA. 

I honestly think your wife should have insisted this girl be history before your married but she has every right to object at any time.

You may just not be very much into this whole marriage thing.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Madude, you are physically separated from your wife due to work, so when you visit your wife you visit your friend as well? Bad move.

Don't you know visiting your friend takes time away from visiting your wife? 

I'm sure this fact isn't lost on either of them.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

There is also something wrong with the story starting in the middle instead of the beginning. 

"I woke up one day married and with a best friend that is female..."

When a story starts by skipping the beginning it is generally because it is not favorable to the storyteller who in this case would like to keep the "best friend".

I agree with others who say dump the friend, but what is missing from the story will certainly add to that.


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

I don't know the whole background of your story, but anytime your spouse has a problem with an OSF, they need to go. Not worth it to keep them around if you value your marriage.

Unless, as SlowlyGettingWiser said earlier, your wife has a problem with a LOT of people in your life.


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## Malcolm38 (Dec 25, 2012)

Ditch the female BFF


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Soorry maudde, but I don't know any wife who would be comfortable with her husband having a female best friend. 
Why can't you have a male best friend as it would be normal? Better yet, why don't you consider your wife your best friend? With her you live, not with that chick. 
I agree with all others who say ditch the bff, but since you stated that "I don't want to give up my friend because my wife feels insecure" , I don't think you will listen anyway. 
Btw, I wonder how secure your friend's husband feels about this. I bet he's not very happy either.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

maddude said:


> Thanks for all the advice


Yea.... this usually translates to: 'I was hoping everyone would tell me that my wife is wrong so I can just tell her "I'm not giving up my friend" because I really don't want to give her up. Why? Because she is WAYYYY too important to me!'



....Yea, I got all that from those few words because it's played out too many time.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My husband and I ditched the opposite sex friends once we married, yes the best friends too.

My husband and I became each others best friend. 

Your going to lose your wife over this friend.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Yea.... this usually translates to: 'I was hoping everyone would tell me that my wife is wrong so I can just tell her "I'm not giving up my friend" because I really don't want to give her up. Why? Because she is WAYYYY too important to me!'
> 
> ....Yea, I got all that from those few words because it's played out too many time.


Ouch. Well, one would be interested in hearing how quickly the best friend is told goodbye. I gather the answer is "not yet". 

Soon enough he may as well just do the best friend. The effect on the wife is going to be roughly the same and you might as well get some strange out of it. Might be too late by the time the OP's wife leaves. The husband of the emotional affair partner will be watching more closely when he's single, and you'll look more beta without a chick already in the bag. 

Looks like fog to me.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Saying she's insecure seems an easy way dismiss her feelings and dismiss your actions.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

What exactly IS IT that your wife has a problem with about your friend? Is it JUST because she is a female? Or, are there other things, like she gets a vibe from your friend that she sees your friendship as something more...or, do you prioritize the friend over your wife..or, are you two overly touchy-feely? I'm asking because if she ONLY has an issue with her being female, then that really isnt fair to you, this woman was your friend before the wife came along. If your best friend was a gay man, would she have an issue? 

My ex bf had a best friend who was a woman. They had been friends for almost 20 years before we ever met. I had many opportunities to be with them both and see how they interacted with each other. They were just like brother and sister. She was nice to me, so I had no issue at all with their friendship. However, he had two ex GF's who seemed pretty clear that although he thought of THEM as friends, they had other intentions in mind, and THOSE two women I insisted that he get out of his life. 

If your friend is also a friend of your marriage, then it seems rather unfair that you are being asked to remove her from your life. However, if she isnt, then of course your wife is right.


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## elizabethdennis (Jan 16, 2013)

maddude said:


> Married for less than a year
> 
> Best friend is also married
> 
> and no nothing between us


Why don't you try going out as a couple. Maybe if your wife becomes friend with your best friend, then may be you'll resolve the tension. If this does not work, sorry, but you need to choose between your wife and your best friend!


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

elizabethdennis said:


> *Why don't you try going out as a couple. Maybe if your wife becomes friend with your best friend*, then may be you'll resolve the tension. If this does not work, sorry, but you need to choose between your wife and your best friend!


Helps to read all the replies....



maddude said:


> *Wife has never hit it off with the friend*..
> 
> And I try to take her with me when I meet my friend - unless she backs out
> 
> *Also we have hung out all 4 of us*


Sorry, I don't believe that a married man should have a female best friend, unless she is his own wife. What this comes down to is who is more important? The friend or the woman he vowed to spend the rest of his life with? It really should be a very easy choice.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> Helps to read all the replies....
> 
> 
> 
> Sorry, I don't believe that a married man should have a female best friend, unless she is his own wife. What this comes down to is who is more important? The friend or the woman he vowed to spend the rest of his life with? It really should be a very easy choice.


:iagree::iagree:
I'm of the same opinion as you. Except I think that people put too much emphasis on the vow. The vow doesn't control love. 
One is supposed to love their SO more than any friend, may them be married , or just in a serious relationship. If they don't, it shows that they don't love the SO that much, so why be together? vow or not...


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## WillPrez (Dec 8, 2012)

It is female nature she do not like to split their love other so she don't like your friend.
Can you like her boyfriend in same situation if she has??


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

How close are you to this "friend?" Do you text back and forth several times a day every day? Do you talk about your relationship problems with this "friend?" Have you told this friend that your wife doesn't like her and betrayed the confidentiality of your intimate conversations with your wife? There is a very fine line between a friend of the opposite sex and an emotional affair. If you can answer "yes" to those questions then you know you aren't being honest with yourself about the nature of this friendship. Are you attracted to this "friend?" Do you enjoy flirting with this friend? 

Hubby has a friend he has had for over 20 years. She is morbidly obese and they have very little contact. I am not jealous in the slightest so it is okay for hubby to have this friend. If he were opening up emotionally to this friend instead of me I would be jealous or spending time with her when I don't see him that often. 

My sister's husband has a female friend. My sister is very threatened by this friend. Her hubby works with this friend and sees her every day. Hubby used to talk nonstop about this friend. My sister started having anxiety attacks over this. It caused her a great deal of emotional distress. Now she is going to therapy to deal with this "friend." In this instance it is not okay for her hubby to have this friend as it causes my sister great distress and his wife should be the priority in his life. 

Bottom line you are upsetting your wife. Is your friendship causing her stress and grief? Is any relationship worth harming your wife? Your wife should be your bff, always come first, and be above all others. 

I had one of these so-called "friends" during my 24-year marriage to my exhusband. I knew him for over 25 years. He was my first boyfriend when I was 14 years old. I told hubby he was just a "friend." I was not honest with myself. I was attracted to this "friend." I leaned on this "friend" for emotional support when I was having relationship problems with my exhusband. After my relationship ended with my exhusband I realized that this was an emotional affair. The friend and I never openly flirted with eachother, we never kissed, but it was wrong to go to another man for emotional support. After I got divorced I realized what I was doing was wrong and I ditched the friend even though our friendship was decades old. I didn't want another relationship of mine to be where that was the norm. It was hard letting a meaningful friendship go, but it is much better to know that I am doing the right thing. 

I won't have any more opposite sex friendships because I do not want to cross that line ever again. The only opposite sex friend I have is 80 years old and there is absolutely no way I would ever be attracted to him sexually so it is okay for me to have this friend. 

Are you being honest with yourself? Is there any part of you that is attracted to this "friend?" A part of you that enjoys attention from this friend? If there is then she absolutely has to go.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Wow, I guess I'm in the minority here. I don't think dumping the friend should be an automatic thing just because you are married. I think it depends a lot on the circumstances, why your wife feels insecure, and how often you come home. Since you live out of town, part of the problem may be not jealousy, but the simple fact that your wife may feel she doesnt' see you enough, period.

Even married people should be allowed to have friends too. If you give them all up, then you and your spouse become so insulated that eventually you will resent each other. Then eventually you will be divorced and without your friend too. Look at it this way: *If it's a rule that married people can't have opposite sex friends, then what about bisexual people. They can't have any friends at all??*

The fact that she's married makes a big difference. I recommend that for a long time, you both only see them as a couple. That should help defuse a lot of the insecurity and you both get to go out and have fun together. Even if that didn't work before, it might work in the future if you just take time for things to cool down first.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You've got three choices. 1. You can keep this other woman as your friend and accept the fact that your wife will bust your testicles every time you have contact or mention her. You can ditch your friend. 3. You can make this friend and her husband both friends of both you and your wife. If you wish to enjoy peace in your future, you've got to stop thinking about this other woman as "my" friend and you can't be chatting her up or spending time with her apart from your wife. You probably wouldn't like your wife spending time with another man. I can't imagine that this friend's husband turns cartwheels when his wife mentions you, either. It's not enough to be faithful. You've got to always give the appearance of 100% faithfulness, too. It's bad enough that you and your wife live in separate cities. It wouldn't take much for jealousy and suspicion to pop up. At present, when you visit your wife, she doesn't know if you're coming into town because you miss her or because you miss your friend. That's bad stuff.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

If you knew your BF for 5 years, and met your wife later - if you are so close to your BF - why aren't you married to her?

I'm seriously not trying to be trite, but - if you have so much in common with woman that with the limited time you get to see your wife, you'd prefer to spend at least a portion of it with her - why aren't you together? 

And, I'm wondering if your wife doesn't also ask herself the same question.


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## mildlyperplexed (Feb 3, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> If you knew your BF for 5 years, and met your wife later - if you are so close to your BF - why aren't you married to her?
> 
> I'm seriously not trying to be trite, but - if you have so much in common with woman that with the limited time you get to see your wife, you'd prefer to spend at least a portion of it with her - why aren't you together?
> 
> And, I'm wondering if your wife doesn't also ask herself the same question.


I think there are enough roommate marriages on here to explain why this doesn't work at all.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Starstarfish said:


> If you knew your BF for 5 years, and met your wife later - if you are so close to your BF - why aren't you married to her?
> 
> *I'm seriously not trying to be trite, but - if you have so much in common with woman that with the limited time you get to see your wife, you'd prefer to spend at least a portion of it with her - why aren't you together?*
> 
> And, I'm wondering if your wife doesn't also ask herself the same question.


Because you know....... they're both good people..... they just weren'tright for each other. 

They make better friends than lovers........ isn't that the usual battle cry.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> I think there are enough roommate marriages on here to explain why this doesn't work at all.


And there are plenty of relationships where people started as friends first. So, I'll just say that it doesn't work for those people. As yes, that doesn't work if you have no chemistry or sexual attraction. However, you'll find just as many marriages where the couple has nothing in common - don't share hobbies, don't share interests, don't have anything to talk about, which is an equally bothersome problem. Where an important hobby/pastime/topic that isn't shared with the spouse is just an "in road" into an EA and potentially a PA.


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## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

My wife and I have both maintained long term opposite sex friends from before we were married. She has a very good male friend, I have a very good female friend. Having said that, once we were together, we made a point of socialising as couples, attended one anothers weddings etc. These friends are now both married, and our friends are family friends. My children play with their children etc.

I have another female friend I met through work, and we became good friends. She however just got divorced. Since my friendship with her grew out of a work relationship, I encouraged her to spend a weekend with my family (she is in another city). We text a few times a week, and talk maybe once every 2 weeks. My wife knows she can read the texts anytime, and I often speak to her in front of my wife. If my wife answers, they will have a chat.

I appreciate opposite sex friends can be an issue. But they dont have to be, if boundaries are clearly in place.

My wife had a short ea with an ex last year via facebook. She had not seen him in 20 years. She violated all the agreed boundaries, and I had never met him. So friendships with exes are a no no for me, but I do not believe any male/female relationship needs to be sexual. 

Having said all that, If my wife had a reason to disapprove of my opposite sex friends, I would choose my wife. I manage my opposite sex relationships transparently, so she has no (to date) reason to disapprove.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

oddball said:


> My wife and I have both maintained long term opposite sex friends from before we were married.
> 
> I appreciate opposite sex friends can be an issue. But they dont have to be, if boundaries are clearly in place.
> 
> My wife had a short ea with an ex last year via facebook.


You maintained your opposite sex friends WITH boundaries and she still had an EA.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Mavash
> You maintained your opposite sex friends WITH boundaries and she still had an EA.


That proves NOTHING, doesn't 'prove the rule'.

He is proving it's do-able; by him.
She is proving it's not do-able; by her.

I know many people with OS friends who don't have EA/PAs with them. Most are usually old friends from university or people who grew up with them in the old neighborhood.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

hey my wife called me insecure at one point when i told her i thought she was spending too much time with/ talking about too much a "friend" from the gym. turns out, he was also her boyfriend, unbeknownst to naga.
but, before all this, i had no problem with OS friends, i have a couple platonic girlfriends that really are just that.
but now, she doesnt have the option of having OS friends.
well, i guess i should say she doesnt have the option of OS friends as well as a marriage to me.
that said, 
if your wife has a problem with it, maybe you should respect her enough to listen.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

You can have all the OS friends that you want, up to the point that it bothers your spouse. You need to decide if you want an ex-wife or a friend that you see less often. You have been married a year and because of your lack of cohabitation, it is almost a continuation of being single. You come waltzing into town and the next thing she knows you are off to see another woman, this is not good behavior. 

I have had friends that I have not physically seen in years, yet we are still friends. Send her an email once a week, see if you wife will concede to dinner with her and her husband once in awhile. It is time employ the "Forsaking all others" clause from your wedding vows. You will have a happier wife knowing you supported her and your friend will understand.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> That proves NOTHING, doesn't 'prove the rule'.
> 
> He is proving it's do-able; by him.
> She is proving it's not do-able; by her.
> ...


Indeed but the work friend now getting divorced is an extra thing to be concerned about.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> That proves NOTHING, doesn't 'prove the rule'.
> 
> He is proving it's do-able; by him.
> She is proving it's not do-able; by her.
> ...


Indeed but the work friend now getting divorced is an extra thing to be concerned about. I have OSFs. yes even those who have gone through divorce. They are just not close. They are not BFFs.

Also there are many EAs that do not get called EAs. They still do damage to a marriage. So knowing that some folks have OSFs does not prove damage or no damage. But this is about a very close BFF type of friend. That implies an emotional bond. This is essential for an EA. An EA is not a sexually based entity. It is about bonding and a level of intimacy.

Seriously what guys very bestest BFF is a woman other than his wife?

The biggest part of this IMO is really if one's spouse is ok with this. If you can't pull yourself away from a friend you have to ask yourself why? If it is because you are bound to them then you have an emotional relationship with them. That may or may not be healthy for the marriage.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Question, say tonight on your drive home from work, you get in a car wreck, your stuck in a wheel chair, who's gonna help take care of you for the rest of your life, your wife or your friend?

It is really that simple...

Boundaries, what are yours?


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## maddude (Feb 24, 2013)

hmm, to clarify some points. 

I was friends with the girl before I met my wife.. 

We didn't get together because - I wasn't attracted to her and she was in a relationship also 

Her husband doesn't (afaik) have any problems with me. 

If my post sounded like I run off to see the friend every time I visit my wife - that's not the case 

If the visits are long enough and if its been a while (few months) then I might go meet up (and not in secret).. sometimes with my wife and sometimes with my friend and her husband both

And its not at a place that my wife is demanding that I not see the friend - its more the vibe I get when I mention her (occasionally) or when we go see them.. 

She doesn't have problems with other close female friends I have so its not that she is an irrational woman. The reason I guess was that when it started out, it didn't get off on the right foot 

And I do not communicate with her often - maybe an online chat once a week or two.

As for what I would do if the roles were reversed - as long as the friendship was platonic - even if i might not happen to like the guy - I think (possibly wrongly) that I would not cause a fuss or ask her not to see the guy 

I guess the concern I have with some of the suggestions that say dump the friend is;

while I have no problem to such a request if there is cause (e.g. an affair) - in my view there is no cause for the request (and no request has been made) 

Anyway, right now I think my course of action is going to be limit contact and see how things go.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Perhaps you've addressed this already and I missed it but have you asked your wife exactly how she feels about that particular friend of yours (and your friendship with her)? If you haven't, that way you will know for certain what the real story is. 

Perhaps your wife doesn't want to volunteer that she doesn't like her (and why) but may be more forthcoming if you ask her. On the other hand, she may not level with you about your friend even if you ask but at least you will have tried to find out if the vibe you are picking up is correct.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

> hmm, to clarify some points.
> 
> I was friends with the girl before I met my wife..
> 
> ...





> I have a best friend (girl) and my wife doesn't like her at all..
> 
> I have been best friends with this girl before I met my wife and I don't want to give up my friend because my wife feels insecure..
> 
> ...


This original post and the latest post are not very compatible. Other than he met this other girl first. Why that would matter who knows ...

Anyway, great. Thanks for posting here and telling us everything is great and that really your wife is cool with this.

I guess this only feels like one of those bait and switch threads because the title is "Wife hates best friend". 

So I guess this other woman is NOT actually his best friend. And his wife does not actually hate her. Awesome.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> So I guess this other woman is NOT actually his best friend. And his wife does not actually hate her. Awesome.


Good catch. A lesson in paying attention. 

We are told there is no reason to stop seeing the girlfriend. You only need one reason: the wife doesn't like it.

Work or professional relationships, we have to work around those. What is so important about this other woman? The OW's husband isn't the issue, they seem not to talk. 

Choose your battles wisely. Why piss off a wife over some lesser committment? It makes no sense. Happy wife, happy life.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The agreement is "forsaking all others". It's not "forsaking most others" or "forsaking all but the ones you knew for years before you met your spouse". If your commitment to the marriage isn't strong enough for you to send some other guy's wife down the road, what can your wife expect from you if she has a major need in the future?


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## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

Mavash - to clarify. I believe it is possible to have opposite sex friends - if, and only if their are clear boundaries in place. My wife did not have an EA with any of her opposite sex friends that I knew, or who I had been introduced to. Rather, she was contacted by an ex from school days. She sneakily maintained contact with him.

Our friends are pro marriage. We support one another in our marriages. Our friendships honour the fact that we are married. We talk about one anothers spouses, check how they are doing etc.

My friend who is now divorced is not a threat to my marriage.

What do bisexuals do in marriage. Have no friends?

I dont believe we are primal creatures who have to act sexually in all interactions.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

maddude said:


> hmm, to clarify some points.
> 
> I was friends with the girl before I met my wife..
> 
> ...


Why not actually ask your wife?


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

You are in different cities and obviously see your wife less than the average husband. However, when you see your wife, you also see your friend, putting them on equal footing. I have a problem with that. Not seeing your friend on these visits and putting your wife first makes sense. Whether you need to determine the relationship/friendship entirely is another question.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So which one is it? Does your wife "hate" your best friend, or does she "give off a vibe"? The two things are kind of at the opposite end of the spectrum.

C


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

maddude said:


> We didn't get together because - I wasn't attracted to her *and she was in a relationship also *


Those two statements don't go together. If you weren't attracted to her who cares about her relationship status. My take on this is that she was in a relationship when you met her, you wanted her and just stuck around as a "friend" hoping some day you would have a shot. Well it didn't happen and a year later you met your wife and proceeded in that relationship still unwilling to let go of this other woman. Now you are lying to yourself to justify what you are doing. 

I don't see any other explanation for how a woman you met only a year before your WIFE has such a high standing in your life that she superscedes your WIFE. That is just crazy. Maybe if you had known her your entire life I could understand, a decade even but a year? And you just can't let go of this person? Who you are know playing off as not exactly a BFF? Yeah you are attracted to this woman and just can't let go of her. Your wife senses something isn't right. You need to let go of this random woman from your life and move on with the actual family you have created.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Soifon said:


> Those two statements don't go together. If you weren't attracted to her who cares about her relationship status. My take on this is that she was in a relationship when you met her, you wanted her and just stuck around as a "friend" hoping some day you would have a shot. Well it didn't happen and a year later you met your wife and proceeded in that relationship still unwilling to let go of this other woman. Now you are lying to yourself to justify what you are doing.
> 
> *I don't see any other explanation for how a woman you met only a year before your WIFE has such a high standing in your life that she superscedes your WIFE. * That is just crazy. Maybe if you had known her your entire life I could understand, a decade even but a year? And you just can't let go of this person? Who you are know playing off as not exactly a BFF? Yeah you are attracted to this woman and just can't let go of her. Your wife senses something isn't right. You need to let go of this random woman from your life and move on with the actual family you have created.


That was exactly my situation. He only knew his EA 4 months longer than he knew me. And yet he was trying to act like losing her friendship would be like cutting off his arm. 

I just think this cult of OSFs drives people into retaining relationships that are really just meaningless I guess either to look cool or to appear as a good sport (ie, ok so I can't get into your panties anymore, but I'm still going to show that I liked you as a person......)


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

maddude said:


> I guess the concern I have with some of the suggestions that say dump the friend is;
> 
> while I have no problem to such a request if there is cause (e.g. an affair) - in my view there is no cause for the request (and no request has been made)
> 
> Anyway, right now I think my course of action is going to be limit contact and see how things go.


This shows me that you value your "friendship" with this person more than your marriage, sad in my opinion. The right thing for you to do is to ditch your friend AND, if she truly is a friend, she would understand. I think if you have problems doing this, you really shouldn't be married.

You said:


maddude said:


> My wife and I aren't currently in the same city (but my wife and my friend are) so when I go visit I also sometimes visit my friend which always leads to tense exchanges for about a day with my wife..


I am not a believer in long distance marriages ... they don't work ... especially when you are splitting your time and loyalty between two women (your wife and her friend). One of you needs to move to the same city, then the resentment on your wife's part might change. Right now, I think you are being very selfish about this whole thing.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

PBear said:


> So which one is it? Does your wife "hate" your best friend, or does she "give off a vibe"? The two things are kind of at the opposite end of the spectrum.
> 
> C


His wife "hates" the "vibe" she's getting from his best GF.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

oddball said:


> Mavash - to clarify. I believe it is possible to have opposite sex friends - if, and only if their are clear boundaries in place. My wife did not have an EA with any of her opposite sex friends that I knew, or who I had been introduced to. Rather, she was contacted by an ex from school days. She sneakily maintained contact with him.
> 
> Our friends are pro marriage. We support one another in our marriages. Our friendships honour the fact that we are married. We talk about one anothers spouses, check how they are doing etc.
> 
> ...


I am a very primal creature. I have a brain to deal with it. Not invoking the brain means we are just hormones and nerve endings.

I learned this the hard way. Meaning I too let my ego tell me I was above all of this. But it IS just ego if not rationalization for cake eating. Some folks just claim to be ... sophisticated which is just a way of spinning things.

Not to pile on here but you say your wife had opposite sex friends and did not have an EA with them. I would say that you recognized. She may or may not. Perhaps her hooking up with an ex was enabled by the poor boundaries of having these other male relationships. EAs typically are not so in the open. They can deteriorate the primary relationship. Pure speculation BUT her having these other men in her life may have erroded your marriage and she felt entitled to hookup with another. 

The bottomline your wife did have an affair. Saying that she had male friends and did not have affairs with them is a dubious distinction. I am just saying that her affair puts her other relationships in some doubt. Perhaps her affair was her first rodeo.

So I am NOT saying she had ongoing EAs but I challenge that this is a clear example of OSF friends working successfully. Your wife did have an affair with a friend who happened to be an ex.


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## ravioli (Jan 23, 2013)

What purpose does a man need to have a female best friend?


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

ravioli said:


> What purpose does a man need to have a female best friend?



The purpose of not being married long?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Note that he said "I wasn't attracted to her", and not, "I'm not attracted to her. Whether your wife sends you down a request on engraved stationery or gives you "vibes", it's all the same thing. Deliberately engaging in conduct that upsets your wife isn't conducive to marital harmony. How can you go a week without communicating with your wife? Even when I was on combat deployment in Iraq, I talked to mine almost every day. Not sure why you're here. You asked for advise but it seems you want validation to continue a course you've already chosen.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

I don't give your marriage another 6 months to survive, at least not until you drop the "friend". Wife comes first, the marriage comes first. End of story.


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## Manas (May 29, 2012)

Sorry if it seems like I am hijacking this thread but I am kinda in the same boat as the OP .... I for one have stopped talking/ contacting this friend but my wife wants me to unfriend her on facebook as well which I think is a bit much ... any opinions?... btw we are all in the same city, the friend is unmarried (though she has a BF) ... Thanks


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Manas said:


> Sorry if it seems like I am hijacking this thread but I am kinda in the same boat as the OP .... I for one have stopped talking/ contacting this friend but my wife wants me to unfriend her on facebook as well which I think is a bit much ... any opinions?... btw we are all in the same city, the friend is unmarried (though she has a BF) ... Thanks


If you have stopped the friendship, why not un-friend her?, by not doing that you are telling your wife you never really did....


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Manas said:


> Sorry if it seems like I am hijacking this thread but I am kinda in the same boat as the OP .... I for one have stopped talking/ contacting this friend but my wife wants me to unfriend her on facebook as well which I think is a bit much ... any opinions?... btw we are all in the same city, the friend is unmarried (though she has a BF) ... Thanks


As SH asked...what's the point in keeping her on Facebook of you are no longer talking to her? Seriously, if you truly mean what you say to your wife, remove her from ALL methods of communication: phone, email, social media. By keeping her on even ONE of these, you are giving your wife the message that you don't really care what she thinks.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> As SH asked...what's the point in keeping her on Facebook of you are no longer talking to her? Seriously, if you truly mean what you say to your wife, remove her from ALL methods of communication: phone, email, social media. By keeping her on even ONE of these, you are giving your wife the message that you don't really care what she thinks.


:iagree:

Also by keeping her on face book your showing that you want to keep the door open to your ex-friend...make sense?

If your going to cut someone out of your life, then you either do it 100% or you dont do it at all.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Manas said:


> Sorry if it seems like I am hijacking this thread but I am kinda in the same boat as the OP .... I for one have stopped talking/ contacting this friend but my wife wants me to unfriend her on facebook as well which I think is a bit much ... any opinions?... btw we are all in the same city, the friend is unmarried (though she has a BF) ... Thanks


Facebook is contact.

Is your wife and marriage more important? If not why not?


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

My wife made me unfriend (Facebook) every female I had ever dated when we hooked up. I could keep the school friends, but she didn't want me to contact anyone I had history with.

I was fine with that. I would want the same from her, and she had already unfriended her male friends she had dated ;-)


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Terry_CO said:


> My wife made me unfriend (Facebook) every female I had ever dated when we hooked up. I could keep the school friends, but she didn't want me to contact anyone I had history with.
> 
> I was fine with that. I would want the same from her, and she had already unfriended her male friends she had dated ;-)


And that is how it's done, the same boundaries.

good for you man!


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