# Unhappy Husband need advice



## fixmywife (Feb 16, 2012)

Well here is my story again! I have been married going on 18 years with 2 kids 14 and 10 both boys. My wife and I only fight and argue about sex or the lack and quality of it. I am no push over but I do my fair share of cooking, cleaning,running the kids to appointments ect ect. My wife never ask for sex and only gives it to me to shut me up, its not intimate or fun and she treats its just like a chore she needs to get done. I always compliment her and tell her she is sexy but she just blows it off. She never tells me I look nice or any compliments what so ever. We are both good looking and in decent shape. I try to talk with her about this and it just leads to her getting angry and walking away. I am really not looking for sex every night just a few nights out of the week with some quality and a sense that I actually satisfied her after we afterwards. She does not like anything no oral, no touching her there no boob touching and 1 position only ( missionary ). I bought her a vibrator and she rarely lets me use it and I know she does not use it. She does give me Oral sometimes and it is nice but again she treats it like a chore. We both work but again I do my fair share and we have a house cleaning service so we can have time to relax and not be so busy with everything else going on. By no means do I think I am not smothering her but sometimes do show my frustration/ resentment towards her for our sexual situation. On valentines day I had already fed the kids and when she got home I had cooked one of her favorite meals and had it set up romantically with wine and had great conversation but nothing not even a kiss?? I almost cheated on her a few years back but did not and will not cheat on her. I am about to throw in the towel and seperate from her to see if we can fix this problem. Any suggestions from you ladies on what I can do to help my situation without seperation?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

It's you, not her. Fix yourself. Your expecting and demanding sex is not sexy at all.

Learn to be emotionally connected to your wife, she'll desire you. Meet her needs, your not meeting them btw. You need to find out what they are.

Maybe your being to pushy in the sex department.

My husband doesn't expect anything whatsoever, therefor there are no resentments held. I do the same for him.

He's never ever pushed for sex, he meets my needs(which mainly is affection). My husband has always put his needs before mine these last 12/13 years and we have a wonderful marriage. Since we've been emotionally connected, I ask for sex daily. I fear of being to pushy. I desire him for all he does for me and he gives me the affection I need.


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## fixmywife (Feb 16, 2012)

I do not demand sex but i do expect it as every other guy does due to the fact that we are male. When I said I DO to her it did not include I do agree to a marriage with no sex! If I dont ask her for sex we would never have it we have gone weeks without sex if I do not ask for it! There is nothing wrong with me and I do listen to her and try to figure her needs out which are a moving target! I give her affection, she just refuses it. I tried the I love you text, The have a great day text, YADA YADA YADA and Nothing nada! If I just wanted to hug I would go buy a Teddy Bear!


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i think the spouse that doesnt want sex has to want to change and has to help work toward it. if the spouse that doesnt want sex wont participate in fixing whats wrong, the one that does want sex is out of luck.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

I only have one child but I get tired from being a mum and the housework. I know you said you help out, but maybe her energy levels are running low.
The more you demand it, the more it will put her off. You need to be intimate first, on an emotional level for her to feel the desire. But put your heart in it, without ANY expectation of sex. Sit and have talks about her day, anything going on she is worried about. Once she trusts you are interested and not just lining it up for sex, hopefully she will relax and you can become closer. Resign yourself to awhile without sex to build the connection back.
Failing that, perhaps a sex therapist if she is willing.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Your wife doesn't want sex with you. Furthermore she has ZERO desire to fix it and ZERO desire to tell you why.

Your best bet is to stop doing ANYTHING for her. Nothing, nada, zip. Stop begging, stop asking, stop talking about it. 

The only person you can change in this situation is YOU.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> It's you, not her. Fix yourself. Your expecting and demanding sex is not sexy at all.
> 
> Learn to be emotionally connected to your wife, she'll desire you. Meet her needs, your not meeting them btw. You need to find out what they are.













--What it feels like when a man who has run out of ideas hears that....


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## CantBeJustMe (Jan 27, 2012)

Read this.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/40823-do-you-want-have-more-sex-than-your-wife-does.html

Read the links. READ THEM. If you think immediately "This won't work on my wife” then you are missing the point.

Look, you are already not satisfied with your sex life, right? You don’t even expect to get sex, right? So what do you have to lose by reading the provided material and working on YOU. Work on YOU, without any expectation of more sex. Do it FOR YOU. Not FOR HER. 

The “worst” thing that can happen is you become fitter, feel better about yourself, become more attractive and fun to be around and your wife doesn’t respond. So you didn’t change the sex situation, but you are in a better place.

The best outcome is that your wife responds to the changes.

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results."

Good Luck.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

fixmywife said:


> I try to talk with her about this and it just leads to her getting angry and walking away
> ...
> sometimes do show my frustration/ resentment towards her for our sexual situation


You let her control the dialog by getting angry. Her anger probably shuts you up which is exactly what she wants. This leads to inappropriate expressions of your bottled up frustration which makes everything worse.

You can't stop anyone from getting angry and walking away, but you need to continue to let her know how you feel, regardless of her reaction. Be sure to use "I statements" like "I feel ... when you/we ..."

Expressing your feelings in a loving but clear manner is one of your responsibilities in your marriage. Do it and continue to do it


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> It's you, not her. Fix yourself. Your expecting and demanding sex is not sexy at all.
> 
> Learn to be emotionally connected to your wife, she'll desire you. Meet her needs, your not meeting them btw. You need to find out what they are.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry but I see this opinion being given here frequently and I just have to state that I disagree. 

When you deny your partner sex it's not about what they've done..it's about what you're doing....your own actions. Shifting blame to the party that is not getting any is baffling to me. If the OP's wife is not having her needs met, she needs to put on the big girl pants and tell him why she's unhappy.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

How much fun do the two of you have together? How often do you sit and bave an engaging conversation? How much alone time do you habe with just you and your wife?

A previous poster hit it. There seems to be no emotional connection. Women are emotional creatures. Men are physical. Without the emotion, sex to women IS a chore. You have to find a way to reconnect with her. 

You've been married for quite a while so I would venture to guess there was a time when sex was more fulfilling. You have to go back to what worked then. Intimacy is the key with almost all women.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

fixmywife said:


> I do not demand sex but i do expect it as every other guy does due to the fact that we are male. When I said I DO to her it did not include I do agree to a marriage with no sex! If I dont ask her for sex we would never have it we have gone weeks without sex if I do not ask for it! There is nothing wrong with me and I do listen to her and try to figure her needs out which are a moving target! I give her affection, she just refuses it. I tried the I love you text, The have a great day text, YADA YADA YADA and Nothing nada! If I just wanted to hug I would go buy a Teddy Bear!


How often do you ask your wife for sex? 

And the reason I ask is because I'm a low drive spouse and have struggled meeting my H's needs. It's getting back up there (it was a long 3 years ), but I've noticed a few things over the past few weeks. One is when he works a lot of hours and we are not spending much time together, aside from sleeping in the same bed or an hour or so before bed... That's our alone time right now, and I enjoy spending that time with him catching up on the days events, or just relaxing watching a show. He might want sex during that little time we have, but I really don't feel connected with him when he works all these hours... Reality is my work load increases when his does too (taking care of twins on my own and working full time). And two, when he is getting it more from me, I notice it's also making him want it more, if that makes sense. Sooooo he brings it up more. And right now with his workload, unfortunately it does feel more like another chore. Luckily for him this is a temp situation at work.

I still don't have a strong desire, but he's made it easier to want to please him because he's not nagging for it all the time anymore... He doesn't make me feel that's it's top priority for our connection.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

sinnister said:


> I'm sorry but I see this opinion being given here frequently and I just have to state that I disagree.
> 
> When you deny your partner sex it's not about what they've done..it's about what you're doing....your own actions. Shifting blame to the party that is not getting any is baffling to me. If the OP's wife is not having her needs met, she needs to put on the big girl pants and tell him why she's unhappy.


While I agree (and also somewhat disagree that the wife is not the problem), the fact is that it is OP that is asking for advice, not the wife. Blaming her and telling him he is right won't help him. She is not going to listen to a bunch of posts on a message board and suddenly say "You're right, I need to have more sex with you."

The OP is here, so the advice should be directed to things he can do. First off, he should change his username. He can't "fix" his wife. he can't control her or anyone else. The only person he controls and can fix is himself.

Next, he should read the Married Man's Sex Life book and blog. Some really good stuff to help improve yourself and your sex life. 

As noted before, don't ask or beg. Whisper in her ear how you can't wait to get her naked tonight. Make it a statemnet, not a question. Act like sex is expected.

Also, start the process early. For women, sex does not start at 10:30 pm, it starts with the cuddling on the couch at 8 pm, the flirty text at 2 pm, the hard kiss with her pinned against the counter at 7:30 am.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

It does sound like there is something in the way of an 'emotional' need your wife isn't getting. Yes, it helps tremendously (and I commend your for doing so. There are H out there who don't/won't lift a finger) to have someone who assists with the household jobs, etc., but if that's not one of your wife's needs, then it doesn't help her connect with you emotionally. For some wives, sex isn't just about the physical act. Tall Average Guy hit the nail on the head when he said 'sex (or romance) for a woman begins way before you pull down the covers at night. 

I'm not placing blame here on either one of you.....a relationship, no matter what kind, is a two-way street. Takes both parties putting in 100+% for it to work. If one, or both, are not willing to do what it takes to please the other, than it's not going to work. 

You didn't really say what the 'anger' outbursts consisted of when you approached your W, but I can tell you from experience, this kind of reaction from you only makes her withdraw even further, which then makes you more frustrated. It's a vicious cycle that you'll never be able to get off of unless you, I'm saying You because you're the one asking for advice, takes the first step to get off of it. That may entail something like thinking back to when you met her, what are some of the things you used to do when courting her. There was something about you that attracted her in the first place. What are those things, and are you still doing them? If not, would you be willing to again? 

I haven't seen where anyone has mentioned the possibility of marital counseling.....is this something that you and your W would be open too?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> I couldn't agree more, sinnister. I am always baffled by these wives who cut off their husband's sex (not literally) and expect them to just deal with it without explanation or understanding. And then when the husband goes and has an affair, the wife acts like she's been wronged. (I am not condoning cheating under any circumstances; just that the wife has some ownership in a situation like this.)
> 
> Wives DO NOT have the right to do this! That is not loving or respecting your husband, something you promised to do on your wedding day. Can't a wife say to her husband, "I don't like kissing you because you slobber on me like a St. Bernard," you know, TELL him what is bothering you so he's not in the dark and feeling rejected. Then, more often or not, the problem can be addressed and hopefully fixed.


I have to agree with this. It's cruel and wrong and immature.
But it's a defense mechanism.

And I also have to point out that I have discovered many similarities with other female friends. 

Women talk. Men don't listen and follow through.
Women talk again. Men ignore it.
Women get frustrated and cut out sex because they feel used.

Just saying we only hear one side of the story.
Ever notice how posters ALWAYS ask "when you talked to her about it, what did she say". And notice how many times that question gets ignored and is never answered?

How many male posters are on here saying I talked to my wife and she said she wanted me to be more romantic and listen to her and I did that and now things are fine. Not many. But probably because by the time they come here they are already cut off. It's sad.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

deejov said:


> I have to agree with this. It's cruel and wrong and immature.
> But it's a defense mechanism.
> 
> And I also have to point out that I have discovered many similarities with other female friends.
> ...


Two thoughts on this:

1. I agree, in so far as the OP is here, it makes sense to advise them about actions that they can control - themselves. You can't make someone else do anything, only yourself. So I try to give advice that the OP can use themselves.

2. While I don't doubt your female friends experience, I would raise the issue that talking does not always mean communicating. Women communicate differently then men, often by implying information that men just don't catch. Not wrong, just differently. Both spouses need to make sure that if the first communication does not work, they address it again but by trying a different mode of communication.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

TallAverage,
Very good points.

A lot can be learned from each other, if there is a willingness to do so. And I agree that women talking isn't always communication 

I keep thinking of a male friend who recently told me a story about his wife always being too tired to be intimate. He was complaining that he brought home flowers, cooked her dinner, did the dishes, and she fell asleep on the couch like usual and nothing happened. I was astonished that he did not take the "I am tired" seriously. 
That's all the problem was. She is burnt out and needs sleep. 
However, he was not willing to do much with the kids or house. Not his job. Kinda old fashioned. "If she really cared, she would make time for me and not be so tired". I was kinda shocked. Made me wonder how often this happens.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

SprucHub said:


> Be careful though, I've tried to make her feel that sex is not a top priority for our connection, but it is (actually, sex isn't, physical intimacy is). I hate having to pretend that all is ok so she does not feel pressured. But I had to tell her this morning that she has not hugged or kissed me for 3 days. Her response "oh, you're keeping track, I did not notice, I've just been busy". No, I am not keeping track of every time we hug, I just notice when you avoid me - like I do not keep track of every time I was not hit by a car.


I am still "intimate" when he is home... We do cuddle on the couch, we hold hands, make passes at one another in the kitchen while we're cleaning even  we sometimes start making out and forget the kids are right there! lol 

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.... There are times where I have to remind my H to make passes at me during the day, or something like that, and to not just do it when he wants sex... He's getting better about it and it's fun. I think we both missed that part of it for a few years, everything seems to be getting back on track with us... I hope you and W can figure things out.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

deejov said:


> How many male posters are on here saying I talked to my wife and she said she wanted me to be more romantic and listen to her and I did that and now things are fine. Not many. But probably because by the time they come here they are already cut off. It's sad.


If my H were on here, he'd be one of the few that can say he's working on it and so far the results appear pretty positive.... But I'm working on me in parallel to what he's doing. We were averaging about once a week, now we're up to about 3 times a week. Somethings working


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Thats awesome Cherry!!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

deejov said:


> TallAverage,
> Very good points.
> 
> A lot can be learned from each other, if there is a willingness to do so. And I agree that women talking isn't always communication
> ...


Actually, I think this is the perfect example of talking but not communicating. She says she is tired. The husband does actually hear that, but takes away something different, in that he does at least cooked and did dishes. She however, really wanted help with the kids. The problem is that she did not say that, she only said she was tired. They are talking, but not communicating. 

I don't know if clearly comminicating would have actually helped, but at least the real issues would have been out on the table. Also, they could have a real basis for their resentment, as oppose to one based on assumptions.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi fixmywife ~

You have an interesting user name. But, I think that there are likely fixes that will need to be done by BOTH of you in order to get your marriage on a better footing.

And, the only person that you can control is ... yourself. So go change your user name to 'fixmyself'. 

What have you tried so far to help remedy the situation? It sounds like you and your wife are in a stalemate situation - with neither one being able to budge? Have you tried an intermediary - going to some type of marital counseling?

How willing are the BOTH of you to work on your marriage?

Best wishes.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Cherry said:


> If my H were on here, he'd be one of the few that can say he's working on it and so far the results appear pretty positive.... But I'm working on me in parallel to what he's doing. We were averaging about once a week, now we're up to about 3 times a week. Somethings working


For all the Oprahnization of how women want to talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk, I have to say either that's projection or wishful thinking. It's not been my experience that women, my wife or anyone else I'm vaguely familiar with exhibit this and more often than not, like men, choose to sulk and fume and make you beg them to tell you something, anything.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

I feel just as you are describing your wife to be. I am no longer in love with or attracted to my husband. Could that be the problem? After taking care of my kids and working all day having sex with a man I am not attracted to is the last thing on my mind. I too do it as I feel it is my wifely duty. I'd have a talk with her about how she feels towards you and seeif can be fixed.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> For all the Oprahnization of how women want to talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk, I have to say either that's projection or wishful thinking. It's not been my experience that women, my wife or anyone else I'm vaguely familiar with exhibit this and more often than not, like men, choose to sulk and fume and make you beg them to tell you something, anything.


:iagree:

I think that a failure to communicate - whether that's a desire to simply not communicate or an outright inability to do so - is not specific to either sex, and it also seems to me to be quite common in both sexes.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Kimberley17 said:


> I feel just as you are describing your wife to be. I am no longer in love with or attracted to my husband. Could that be the problem? After taking care of my kids and working all day having sex with a man I am not attracted to is the last thing on my mind. I too do it as I feel it is my wifely duty. I'd have a talk with her about how she feels towards you and seeif can be fixed.


so if he stopped wanting to be intimate with you, that would be ok?


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> It's you, not her. Fix yourself. Your expecting and demanding sex is not sexy at all.
> 
> Learn to be emotionally connected to your wife, she'll desire you. Meet her needs, your not meeting them btw. You need to find out what they are.
> 
> Maybe your being to pushy in the sex department.


Blah blah blah....and hearing this from a woman is not sexy at all either.

It goes both ways.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

Kimberley17 said:


> I feel just as you are describing your wife to be. I am no longer in love with or attracted to my husband. Could that be the problem? After taking care of my kids and working all day having sex with a man I am not attracted to is the last thing on my mind. I too do it as I feel it is my wifely duty. I'd have a talk with her about how she feels towards you and seeif can be fixed.


Wow that's terrible.

Do your husband a favor and let him go. 

If I were married and my wife thought this about me......I would not want to be married anymore.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Runs like Dog said:


> For all the Oprahnization of how women want to talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk, I have to say either that's projection or wishful thinking. It's not been my experience that women, my wife or anyone else I'm vaguely familiar with exhibit this and more often than not, like men, choose to sulk and fume and make you beg them to tell you something, anything.


Sorry, not quite sure I understand. 

Neither my H or me have the time to sulk and fume over sex, I want things resolved as quickly as they can be. I don't want to run around playing games in my own marriage. If my H seems angry or agitated and I know it's been a few days since he got any, I point blank ask him if he's being an a$$ because he's not gotten any.... If he says "yes", which sometimes he does, I suggest to him that's a surefire way to continue NOT getting any because I have zero attraction to him when he's being an a$$, he knows that all to well. For some reason, we've never experienced a stalemate on this subject. 

My H and I have never had much of a communication issue. We're both pretty blunt in telling the other what up.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I think you made a wise decision with the trial separation.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

SprucHub, I am not not telling him to protect him. I am not telling him to protect me and my kids. Yes, I can admit that. And I know it's terrible. The affair is over and I still can't seem to get my feelings back.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Kimberley17 said:


> SprucHub, I am not not telling him to protect him. I am not telling him to protect me and my kids. Yes, I can admit that. And I know it's terrible. The affair is over and I still can't seem to get my feelings back.


What will stop you from having another affair?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Actually, I think this is the perfect example of talking but not communicating. She says she is tired. The husband does actually hear that, but takes away something different, in that he does at least cooked and did dishes. She however, really wanted help with the kids. The problem is that she did not say that, she only said she was tired. They are talking, but not communicating.
> 
> I don't know if clearly comminicating would have actually helped, but at least the real issues would have been out on the table. Also, they could have a real basis for their resentment, as oppose to one based on assumptions.


 I'm not sure I completely agree 
If I say I am tired, that means I want to get more sleep. I don't see how someone interprets that as "please do the dishes".


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## HazelGrove (Feb 29, 2012)

I'm a woman who loves sex - but even I need to feel a sense of intimacy and emotional connection before I make love. If I feel my partner isn't as naked emotionally as he is physically, it's a turn-off. I also am turned on by intelligence and good manners. When my husband is being smart and kind and open - wow, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for him. 

Also - make sure you understand her biological rhythms. Women's desire ebb and flow with their cycles, and with the moon cycle. 

So before wondering if there's anything wrong with her, ask yourself first if you're doing all that. If you are, and still receiving no sexual response, then it's the time for counselling and for both of you to work on the issue. She might even need individual therapy - perhaps she has a hang-up from the past that has nothing to do with you, but which you unwittingly trigger. 

And lastly...some people just don't like sex very much . But that's a minority - it is a human instinct, after all.


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## DocHoliday (Jan 19, 2012)

First.. Is your wife on any medications that may alter sex drive (btw- birth control pills have a 5% chance of squashing libido) Also some depression medications, SSRI inhibitors, can alter sex drive.

I really like sex, and when I was younger, on birth control = zero desire .. for months at a time. This is not really a marketed fact, but one honest doctor told me the lowering can be permanent. (I guess in her clinical expereince.)

There are also tests for low testosterone, and other medical issues that need to be ruled out.

Is your wife willing to have a medical check up?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

deejov said:


> I'm not sure I completely agree
> If I say I am tired, that means I want to get more sleep. I don't see how someone interprets that as "please do the dishes".


Chuckling at this, I have had this conversation with my wife!

W: I'm tired.
Me: Ok, no problem, I'll go in the other room so you can sleep.
W: I can't, I have to do the dishes.
Me: Well, it's your lucky day, I'm doing them tonight.

When I came back in the room, she was on Facebook. Ack!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

deejov said:


> I'm not sure I completely agree
> If I say I am tired, that means I want to get more sleep. I don't see how someone interprets that as "please do the dishes".


Well I'm not sure I completely agree.  

I can see a very reasonable interpretation of "I'm tired" being "I'm tired from having to do so much work." And hearing that, a resonable response would be to take on some of the chores, such as doing the dishes and letting her rest.

If needing more sleep was the intended message, saying "I'm tired and need more sleep" is a much better and surer way to communicate that message.

Again, my point is not to absolve him for not getting clarification, but rather noting that she is not blameless. It is all to easy to assume we are communicating clearly, when in fact we leave room for (mis)interpretation to the receiving person.


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