# Am I just insensitive?



## PunchDrunk (Sep 26, 2014)

Hi,

My wife and I have been married for 5 years now. One of our biggest troubles is that (in my view) she is very quick to anger. I'll say something that I think is pretty innocent (like making a joke or giving what I think is some helpful advice) and she'll respond as if I attacked her and start yelling at me and saying really hurtful things. When we talk about it, she'll say that she interpreted what I said as an insult and maybe I should pay attention to the tone of my voice. 

For example - Last night, I was putting our 1 year old daughter to sleep. It's been a struggle to get her to go sleep on her own. Just when she had settled down and closed her eyes, my wife came upstairs and our daughter woke up (our stairs are pretty creaky). I picked her up and spent a few minutes getting her back to sleep. After putting her back down, I went into our bedroom where my wife was getting ready for bed. I said "Man, you've got the worst timing" thinking I was just making a joke about the coincidence of it and, in a split second, she was in a rage. She started throwing her clothes around and talking very sarcastically. Basically, she said that I was accusing her of being a bad mother and not helping out with getting our daughter to sleep. She said she feels bad enough for not helping out, and I should know that, so I'm "such a jerk" for saying anything. I intended none of that in what I said.

I feel like that's usually what happens: she's feeling insecure about something and attributes those feelings to me. From my end, it just seems like she's insecure about a lot of things. If I try to give advice about something, I'm implying that she doesn't know how to do anything. If I say anything even slightly critical, I'm telling her she's a horrible person. I try to avoid saying anything critical to her, but I'll sometimes she'll start yelling at me for something I said that I felt had no criticism in it. As I said above, her take on the situation is that I have a tone that makes it sound like I'm being critical and I should work on that. Maybe she's right. If it sounds like I'm just an insensitive jerk, please tell me.

From my point of view, I feel like I'm a member of the bomb squad, waiting for the next explosion to go off. Between the bouts of rage and the general lack of affection from her, I feel like I'm at the end of the rope and it's just getting to be not worth it. Anyone have any insight?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I could be wrong, but if this behavior started or escalated only after marriage, there might be a hint of guilt on her part. She may be hiding something (whether something from her past, or something she has done during your marriage). 

There's also the chance that you're indeed insensitive and verbally harsh. I'm personally verbally harsh myself and can see how that pi$$es people off. I try to control it to a degree, but it's a part of who I am and if someone doesn't like it, too bad.

You need to give more details about her rages. Is she physically abusive? What hurtful things does she say? Does she behave the same with anyone else (parents, siblings). What was her childhood like?

What was YOUR childhood like? How do you show anger yourself?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Sorry I'm not much help, but one thing is don't give her advice. Just listen to her. That's all I have. Sorry.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She has low self esteem. She is super-aware of any perceived slights in her ability to be a good mother. Joking with her won't help that. That being said, if she's that insecure, she could use some therapy to learn that she's ok just as she is. And you could use some education on how to keep a happy, healthy marriage. There's a lot of stuff out there you could be learning.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

So, how's her stress level generally? Is she struggling to cope?



Is she generally/usually unhappy these days?



Have you expressed limits on how much of her rage you are willing to hear? 



I think it would be a mistake to not draw the line here now, and make clear that you are not open to being treated with yelling and rage. Be compassionate and listen, try very hard to understand what her grievance is and help her deduce that you "get it". But don't own any more of it than you properly deserve, and don't try to shield her from the part that is hers...long term that can weaken you both and let bad behavior become habit.



The Patricia Evans book called The Verbally Abusive Relationship is a good place to look.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

yes, you need to draw the line, otherwise you in for a lifetime of anxiety, and slowly growing apart. My husband is like this, you never know what;s gonna get him off and it didn't get better after twnety years. It is like walking on eggshells all the time. Innocent jokes or statements hve potential of vulcano.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

PunchDrunk said:


> I said "Man, you've got the worst timing" thinking I was just making a joke about the coincidence of it and, in a split second, she was in a rage.


Ummm, this comment is not a "joke." There's no humor there... where's the punch line? It honestly sounds more like an insult to me. 

I agree that her reaction is way over the top though. Not appropriate at all.


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