# How do you explain the feelings of infidelity to WS?



## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

Breaking from my usual thread, I'm hoping people will offer there ways of explaining their feelings on this...

I don't think my wife quite grasps the pain I have. She doesn't understand that this is damage that is going to leave a scar and that that memory, while it may fade with time, will not likely go away.

The best way I could explain it is "Imagine the love you had for me at the start, the admiration, the affection, the respect and trust. You would have done anything for me, just to see me smile. Now take all those wonderful feelings and imagine you walk onto a stage where I'm banging away at someone we BOTH know and it's on a stage...the audience is our family, our friends, our co-workers. Now imagine they are all looking at me, then at you and then pointing and laughing at you like 'I can't believe she didn't see this coming.' And it doesn't matter that in real life they wouldn't do this, and they would more than likely on moral grounds side with you...it matters only that you are there, being laughed at while the person you were suppose to share all things special with and keep many things sacred between each other is now in the middle of a shag and isn't stopping, not even after you've walked in, not even after everyone starts pointing at you and whispering to each other. The door, the exit to this nightmare is LOCKED. You'll have to sit through it, watch, cry, ask yourself "Why?"...that's SOMEWHAT what it feels like for me, each day...should you feel guilty? I hope you do, for what you did. Do I feel I'm partially to blame, yes. I have a responsibility to this marriage...but whatever pain my irresponsibility (The ones she mentioned) could never equal the pain that I will go through...

Now, this isn't how I told her. I'm still unsure about how to put into words the feelings associated with this trauma. I walked in just before they started. She was naked, OM was too. Has it happened before? She says no...would she believe me if the roles were reversed? I think she would say no...


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Look what happened is really painful for you and I'm not sure if I would believe that it had never happened before either....
I do agree that an event like an affair changes your perception of everything you held dear and everything you thought was your life.....your belief system is shattered, your trust that the one you have loved would not hurt you like this.....
Your marriage vows were broken and the oath no longer holds true.....
That is part of your history now and part of the facts.....
I think at this point if you have decided to stay together and try to work through all that has happened then you can't think about things the way you do.......no one is laughing at you now.....I'm sure your true friends know how tough it is to overcome this kind of situation and they will think you are brave and strong to give it a chance......
It brings me to tears when I think of my husband being with someone else......I just can't focus on that or I wouldn't heal and we wouldn't be able to get past this situation.....
I have been with my husband 26 years, do I just let him sleeping with someone else a few times ruin all that, he would be with her today if the OW and sleeping with her was so important......I think he sees now that it was a fantasy and not really meaning anything in the big picture of life......
My husband knows he has changed things between us and he will have to live with that regret and he will now have to live with how other's perceive him, no getting around that now.....
Being the BS it's embarrassing, it's hurtful I know but if you want to work things out, let go of all the re-living what happened, what does it matter, once, ten times......if you are willing to forgive and work on your marriage, then do it, doesn't mean you will ever forget just like every other traumatic event in your life........understand it, accept why and work on your marriage never getting to that place again.......


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

It would be easier to accept if my wife understood the trauma it caused. I don't think she does...I wish she did. I can't put her through the same trauma so that I can say "See...this is how it feels. Now close the door while I finish things off."...words to describe how you felt before, during and after the EA/PA may help the WS understand what he/she needs to do in order to make things right. If she doesn't...if I forgive with the understanding (At first anyways) that she will be doing her best to show her remorse etc...and she's coming home all "Well, that was a hard day at work. How was your day?" As though I didn't think over and over again that she had been with another man is almost insulting.

How do you put into words what you have gone through, felt in order to show your WS what it is that you went through and are going through. If my wife were raped, I would listen and listen and listen. I would do whatever it is that needed to be done, be patient, be kind, be mindful of what she has been through in order to make the future Mr and Mrs. Her and I a happy one...but if I just shut out that trauma am I not selfish??


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I can tell you that for me, the guy who cheated, it may get to a point where she has done everything she can, said everything she could, and it will never be enough for you.

At some point in time, you need to make a decision... can you move forward and allow forgiveness to win the day over not forgetting what happened? if you can't, eventually she will realize that no matter what she does, it won't be good enough for you and she will leave.

it was hard for me to explain that to my wife without sounding like I was saying "get over it". that wasn't what I was trying to do. The negativity that my affair generated permeated our lives and there was no "us" in the future unless we concentrated on the future, not the past.

At the same time, I needed to understand it wasn't going to happen overnight.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

If I can be completely honest with you, I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Not about wanting her to know how you feel, but about expecting her to walk in the door everyday get on her knees and plead and tell you she is sorry for what she did. For how long? Years? Months? I know the general feeling of "hey you cheated on me I don't want to talk about the weather" but you also have to see her side of "if I have to talk about this everyday of my life I might as well just leave". I am not in any way taking her side in the cheating, I just think that my H and I have been through this stage you are feeling right now and we have passed it, so maybe it can help you. I asked him why he kept trying to make small talk. And he told me this " I think about what I did and I am embarrassed. Shocked and embarrassed that I could do that to my family. Who wants to talk about the worst thing they ever did?" That put it into perspective for me. Then we sat down and agreed that for one month, I would ask 4 questions a day and that was it. And after that month passed, it was time to start letting go. Nowadays, yeah I still hurt from it all, but we don't talk about the affair unless I am having a really bad day, in which I only tell him I am having a bad day I need you to be overly touchy feely with me. I do on the other hand talk about things that still bother me with my closest girlfriend. She has been there too and it helps. Best of luck man, and if any of this came off wrong, I do apologize.


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

I don't expect this of her. I don't expect her to come crying to me day after day. That would put way too much pressure on both of us IMO. However, some understanding and a few days of "I can't believe I did this to you." Would mean the world to me...a few days, 2 days...would make a difference...ZERO days makes ZERO difference...


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

So your issue isn't really that you want her to understand what you are going through, its that you need to know she is remorseful for all that she has done?? 

Do you think she is just trying to move past it without ever having to fully realize the impact it has had??

If so, honestly I would suggest showing her some of the threads on here from the men and women who have been cheated on and all the thoughts that have been racing through their minds. Even show her yours if you are comfortable with that. If not, show her the ones from people explaining what they are doing to fix their marriage after the A, and tell her that if she can't put any effort towards fixing it with you then it will never get resolved. 

Here's what I'm thinking along the lines of making her realize the impact: " I know you don't want to talk about it, but I am struggling since it seems that you don't really have any remorse for your actions. My whole world has come crashing down on top of me, and I feel like my life as I knew it was stolen. I am surviving through what happened, but not living through it. We need to start working on us and I need you to show me you are sorry."


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

It seems that from a practical standpoint your response to the affair was to upgrade the apartment you live in so she and her mom can live a nicer lifestyle. 

So basically she fuvked someone else and you apologized to her by increasing her standard of living. I think that makes her respect you less than she did before. 





synonimous_anonymous said:


> I don't expect this of her. I don't expect her to come crying to me day after day. That would put way too much pressure on both of us IMO. However, some understanding and a few days of "I can't believe I did this to you." Would mean the world to me...a few days, 2 days...would make a difference...ZERO days makes ZERO difference...


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

The OM lives in the building wer're in now...so moving out is the next step. We will be living near my pastor, someone who knows the details of our relationship and someone I have, and I hope she will, look to for advice.


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## MrP.Bodybig (Jul 21, 2009)

You should tell her how hurt you are, that you have lost trust you had in her and are unsure of the future. If you relationship to you is worth working through this, I would set ground rules and keep a close eye on everything she does. I woould have the hardest time trusting my wife if she did it to me.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I think the sooner you move out of the bldg the better the triggers will be for you, out of sight out of mind, I would focus on that......
at some point if you are working through this there has got to be some kind of trust level, not complete but something.....
she know how she has hurt you, I know my husband does, he and she as well have their own demons to deal with now......
let the time pass that needs to in order to heal this situation, don't rush things, move first, fill each others needs and go from there, one day at a time....


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## panafedin (Aug 2, 2010)

First: I think you need to work on YOU. 

Second: You two work, together, on moving past this. A better place to address your desire for your wife to really understand the pain is in counseling, with a professional.


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