# Is Love enough? -- Warning this is long



## kpa_78 (Feb 21, 2010)

Let me start by saying that my husband really is a wonderful man and i love him very much.

That being said, there are issues, as I am sure there are with every marriage. I have talked with him about these things at length on several occasions, but things haven't really improved much.

He loves me and is very good to me..... but doesn't really notice me much....and really never has now that I think about it He has a lot of problems with fear that I will "find someone better" as he puts it. As a result, he doesn't really like for me to go places very much. He gets upset if I even go to bed without him. He wants me right there in the room with him constantly. But when I'm there, he doesn't talk to me and rarely looks at me. It's like he wants me to know that I'm there just so that he knows I'm not somewhere else. 

He has a problem with playing video games all the time. I know that sounds crazy...but he really loves it. It's almost like an addiction to him. All of his spare time is spent playing games. He does work a lot and I know he's tired and I want him to be able to relax and enjoy his day off, but it's becoming a bit much. He doesn't like to go out much. He'd rather spend his time at home playing games.

As a result, I have to spend a lot of my time at home as well. I feel like the only things I do are work, take care of the kids, and sit and stare at the walls. If we ever do anything, it's because I plan every detail. He's never just taken me anywhere. It's always something I suggest. 

The majority of our conversations are about the games he's playing, having sex, and stuff he needs me to take care of for him. I feel like the only attention he pays me is when he's ready to have sex. It's like he thinks that because we're married, he doesn't have to do any of the other relationship type stuff.

It's partially my fault because i just give in to him so that I don't have to listen to him complain. It's easier to just suffer in silence than have to constantly be reminded of "the time i went and hung out with my friends" and left him home with the kids. I have only had one girls night out since we've been together. It's going on 10 years. He tells me he wants me to go out with my friends, but when I say something about it, he questions me to death until it's just not worth it anymore.

I'm starting to feel like I've lost myself. I don't want to leave him, but I'm just so alone that sometimes it feels like I've already gone.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Hes controlling you and you're unhappy.. You're afraid to assert a little space because he gets angry. When you comply, he pays you no mind. Ive got it?
Stop complying with him simply to keep him from being a giant baby. Stand up for yourself or eventually he'll be sobbing here that you left him because you couldnt take it amymore and he doesnt understand becuse everything was perfect from his perspective.

he needs to see there's an issue, love you enough to want to fix it.
Hope you get him more awake.

all the best


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## kpa_78 (Feb 21, 2010)

That's funny that you say that about things being perfect from his perspective. Every time I've brought this up in the past, he always says that he wasn't aware that there was a problem, which is utterly confusing to me. 

I talked to a friend for a little while at work today and told her that I was just going to start doing things and he could either start coming along or continue to sit at home alone.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Tell him "I like being taken out to dinner. At a place with cloth napkins, and no Habitrail-for-Kids in it. You go online, or ask around at work, or use that UrbanSpoon thing on your iPhone, and fine a nice local restaurant with waiters and cloth napkins. Make a reservation. I'll take care of a babysitter, and you can surprise me with where you're taking me out to eat."

If he balks, say "The alternative is that I'll go out to eat by myself, explicitly not getting a babysitter and not inviting you to join me."


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## kpa_78 (Feb 21, 2010)

The thing is.... I've told him that. I've told him almost specifically those things. I've also told him other little things that are missing from our marriage.....silly things I guess. For example, when we got married, we just sort of talked about it. He never really asked me. We didn't have a wedding, just went to the courthouse. I was finishing up school and we were completely broke, but it was fine. We've talked about renewing our vows, and I told him very specifically that before we did anything like that (and he's the one that brought up the renewal) that I wanted him to ask me to marry him. He still hasn't. We both have a love of music. He used to be in a band....sing in front of lots of people. He had already quit the band before we met. He mentioned once that he likes to write songs....that he wrote one for one of his ex-girlfriends. He asked me what I wanted for my birthday shortly after we got together and I told him that the only thing I wanted was for him to write me a song and sing it to me. He has yet to do it. I even bought him a guitar for Christmas (saved and saved because this was when we both had absolutely nothing). But he never plays it. 

We have a lot of silly things we still do....like never hang up the phone without saying "I love you" even if we're fighting. I can't help but wonder though if the I love you's are automatic. 

Sometimes I miss the new feeling of the relationship. We've both talked about doing things to keep it fresh. His ideas are always about keeping our sex life spiced up. 

It feels like there's just an emotional factor missing. It's so hard to explain. 

I've asked him to go to counseling, and he responds with anger, saying that if our marriage is that far gone then he doesn't know why I married him to begin with. It's just not logical at all.

I hate this confusion.


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

Go to counseling yourself. It helps to get perspective on the situation from someone who is professionally trained.

I read a great book recently called "Boundaries in Marriage"...it might be good for you to read it. I have similiar problems with my marriage...I gave so much in order for him to be comfortable/happy...but it only made me feel less loved, happy and respected.

It made be time for you to be a *****. Not crazy, irrational, or nuts...but a woman that says, "I am going out with my girlfriends Friday night at 8pm, and I need you to watch the kids. We are going to get dinner and a movie...I will be back around 12am." 

You've given him there all the information he needs...and then go. If he needs to be coddled, given all the specific details...just repeat that same information again. Stand your ground...don't let him do this passive bullying to you anymore. 

He will act hurt/betrayed...but not all pain is bad.


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## kpa_78 (Feb 21, 2010)

You hit the nail on the head! That's exactly how I feel. I take complete care of him. I get up a little early in the mornings to lay out our daughter's clothes and get her stuff together. I have to call and wake him up for work. I do all the laundry, pay all the bills, take the kids to their activities, plus work full time. He complained when I took on a little extra responsibility at work, saying that it took time away from him, but really it's cause I'm not around as much to take on household responsibilities. So, I feel like I'm depended on too much. I complain and tell him I'm not an alarm clock and so forth, but keep doing it anyway. He says stuff like, it's just a phone call, what's the big deal? But it's all the little things piling up and making me crazy!

That on top of feeling trapped in this house. On top of dealing with his video game addiction (which is a whole other topic).

I've thought about going to counseling but I'm afraid he'll get mad about it. I even made an appointment once, but called and cancelled it. 

He's not mean....just complains and tells me that he doesn't understand why I don't think he's a good husband. He tells me that I treat him badly. I don't want to be a bad wife and don't want to be mean and he already tells me that he worries that he's not good enough for me so I don't want to feed into that problem. 

I know that I'm completely enabling but I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

If I could go to counseling without him knowing, it might work. I don't know.


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