# Settling On A Spouse



## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

What does it mean to settle? Is it a bad thing to do?

If you marry a man who is exactly what you were looking for, except he’s the same height as you and you wanted someone taller, is that settling?

If you marry a woman who more physically attractive than you’d expected but less intelligent, is that settling?

Is it settling to marry someone who falls short of perfection (a 9) in one area that you care about, but is a 10 in every other way?

If you have a good job, apply for a better one and get the offer... but learn from an inside source that you were their third-best candidate and they only made you this offer because the other two turned it down. Would you accept the offer or turn it down? Would you want to work for a company that you knew had settled for you?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think "settling" means that you believe that there is a better person you could have married.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

uhtred said:


> I think "settling" means that you believe that there is a better person you could have married.


If you feel that you could have married a better person when you were 25 than you can get today at 35, but you pick the best person available to you right now, is that settling?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

For me the definition gets fuzzy there. Also is it a specific person when you were 25 or just that you might have found a better person. 



CraigBesuden said:


> If you feel that you could have married a better person when you were 25 than you can get today at 35, but you pick the best person available to you right now, is that settling?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

CraigBesuden said:


> What does it mean to settle? Is it a bad thing to do?


I think settling means accepting someone/something that does not meet expectations but does meet the intended goal. It's giving up on a dream of a journey in order to get to the destination. 

Time tells whether it's good or bad. If things turn out good, then it's considered a pleasant surprise or "an unexpected blessing". If it turns out bad, then it's "settling" 😕.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Settling is very broad and varies from person to person.
What is acceptable for one, is not for another.

Generally speaking, I understand settling as "putting up" with your current partner and deciding to be with him/her, not necessarily because of true love/passion, but (more likely) out of convenience. 

You know you deserve more and you wish you had someone else better (or a better version of your SO), but the present situation doesn't give you other options. 
You are tired of searching, or you're too lazy or even too bothered to do that, so you accept your current SO, anyway.

Settling can be good or bad, depending on the stage of the life you're at and your goals for the future - kids and stuff.

If you're young and under 40s, settling can be bad. Being under 40 or around mid-30s, I wouldn't advise on settling. 
You still have chances to meet someone better and make better choices for yourself, whether you're a man or a woman. 

But, if you're 40 or above, you _migh_t consider settling, especially - if you're a woman - who also plans to give birth to a child before it's too late. (Excluding adoption out of the equation).
If you're a woman and already have kids, I wouldn't consider settling. I wouldn't be pro that. I'd say, keep on searching until you find someone great for you but especially for your kids. 

If you're a man and above 40s, settling wouldn't be good. Men have no biological clock and nothing makes them rush things ...so it's easier for them to *not settle.*

__________________

To answer to your questions OP, settling is in no way getting a partner who is 9/10 - actually, I'd call it near perfection. Or even 8/10 - it wouldn't bother me.
What I'd consider settling would be getting someone 7_ or less_ out of 10. 

If he checks all my boxes and is of the same height as me (with heels) I wouldn't mind it. But if he's as tall as me, while I'm wearing flat shoes, then no. Sorry. If I married him I'd consider it some sort of settling. But then I think, without actually "being in those shoes", never say never.

In the case of the job, no. I wouldn't consider it settling. But the company might have settled for me, yeah.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

After the wedding the new groom said to his wife “now that we are married I’m sure you don’t mind if I point out a few of your faults”.
She replied “ don’t bother, it’s those faults that prevented me from getting a better man”.
Everyone settles one way or another. 
It’s called being human.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

lovelygirl said:


> But, if you're 40 or above, you _migh_t consider settling, especially - if you're a woman - who also plans to give birth to a child before it's too late. (Excluding adoption out of the equation).
> If you're a woman and already have kids, I wouldn't consider settling. I wouldn't be pro that. I'd say, keep on searching until you find someone great for you but especially for your kids.
> 
> If you're a man and above 40s, settling wouldn't be good. Men have no biological clock and nothing makes them rush things ...so it's easier for them to *not settle.*


I think women over 40 with children settle as well. It's not a bad settling but more of a making lemonade out of a bunch of lemons. For example, I'm mid 40s and on paper I'm probably a good catch however most men with similar qualities and age are looking for younger (read hotter) women. They would be settling for me. So I am settling for a different future than I anticipated. 

I won't be in a relationship with someone my age in similar circumstances but I can still get my needs met. I can date younger (hotter) guys for sexual fulfillment. I can go out with friends to get companionship. I can involve myself with my church to meet my spiritual needs. I can go on dates with men who are not looking for anything serious but are looking for a fun companion. 

The journey may be very different from what I anticipated but the destination is the same. I'm getting needs met but I am nevertheless settling.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Andy1001 said:


> After the wedding the new groom said to his wife “now that we are married I’m sure you don’t mind if I point out a few of your faults”.
> She replied “ don’t bother, it’s those faults that prevented me from getting a better man”.
> Everyone settles one way or another.
> It’s called being human.


Drum roll please ..........


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Andy1001 said:


> After the wedding the new groom said to his wife “now that we are married I’m sure you don’t mind if I point out a few of your faults”.
> She replied “ don’t bother, it’s those faults that prevented me from getting a better man”.
> Everyone settles one way or another.
> It’s called being human.


LOL! So true. Nobody is perfect.

I think some hear “settling” and think it means accepting less than you deserve. Like in the commercials where they say, “don’t settle for less.”

I think people sometimes want perfection and consider anything less to be settling. They think they are flawless and deserve someone their equal.

Of the women I dated (or even just liked while in school) in my career field, only one ever married. All of the others are now in their mid-forties, never married and no kids. They didn’t settle.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

lovelygirl said:


> If you're young and under 40s, settling can be bad. Being under 40 or around mid-30s, I wouldn't advise on settling. You still have chances to meet someone better and make better choices for yourself, whether you're a man or a woman.
> 
> But, if you're 40 or above, you _migh_t consider settling, especially - if you're a woman - who also plans to give birth to a child before it's too late. (Excluding adoption out of the equation).


I’m not sure it’s a good idea to wait until your early 40s to start trying to conceive. Although pregnancies do happen in your 40s, they aren’t something you can count on. Even if you can conceive, miscarriage due to abnormalities is a problem. Even if you can carry it to term, it may have Down Syndrome.

If you are 35 and still single, I strongly suggest that you freeze your eggs if you can afford it. That will give you an extra ten years. I believe frozen eggs are only good for ten years.



> The most pronounced drop in fertility happens after 40, reproductive specialists say.
> 
> "Your chance of conceiving at age 42 is about 9 percent per cycle," explains Dr. Pasquale Patrizio, a fertility researcher, clinician and director of the Yale Fertility Center. "By 44, it's 2 percent per cycle, and at 45, it's at most 1 percent per cycle."
> 
> This isn't to say that conception won't happen—women in their early 40s have healthy babies naturally all the time, said Dr. Mary Jane Minkin, clinical professor in the department of reproductive sciences at the Yale School of Medicine. But biology isn't on your side.


https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.foxnews.com/health/the-latest-news-about-fertility-at-every-age.amp

Although men don’t have a biological clock, most women don’t want to marry a man too much older. Also, a man’s parents want to meet their grandkids, and most guys don’t want to spend their 60s changing diapers, coaching little league, etc. So there is still age pressure on men.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I think a single person in their 40’s needs to put together a list of what they are looking for in a person. Take the top 3-5 and if the person fits that, they wouldn’t be settling. You’re never going to get everything you are looking for. However, just make sure you have the most important items at the top of your list. 

For example, when I got remarried she fit everything on the top of my list. She had a great career, was independent, educated with a masters degree and had no kids. Check with everything. Laziness and sex were not in my top 5. Guess what issues we are now having?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

CraigBesuden said:


> I’m not sure it’s a good idea to wait until your early 40s to start trying to conceive. Although pregnancies do happen in your 40s, they aren’t something you can count on. Even if you can conceive, miscarriage due to abnormalities is a problem. Even if you can carry it to term, it may have Down Syndrome.


That is partly true. Although my mom had me at 41 and I'm her only child and because of he "sucess" in having a baby at that age, I take it as a reference - it doesn't maen it'll be that easy for me or any other woman out there.

As for the down syndrome, you know it beforehand with some analysis - if your baby might suffer from it or not - in the 3rd month of pregnancy. 



> If you are 35 and still single, I strongly suggest that you freeze your eggs if you can afford it. That will give you an extra ten years. I believe frozen eggs are only good for ten years.
> 
> https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.foxnews.com/health/the-latest-news-about-fertility-at-every-age.amp


yeah I personally know a few women who have their eggs frozen..but it's expensive. 



> Although men don’t have a biological clock, most women don’t want to marry a man too much older. Also, a man’s parents want to meet their grandkids, and most guys don’t want to spend their 60s changing diapers, coaching little league, etc. So there is still age pressure on men.


Most probably so.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

RebuildingMe said:


> I think a single person in their 40’s needs to put together a list of what they are looking for in a person. Take the top 3-5 and if the person fits that, they wouldn’t be settling. You’re never going to get everything you are looking for. However, just make sure you have the most important items at the top of your list.
> 
> For example, when I got remarried she fit everything on the top of my list. She had a great career, was independent, educated with a masters degree and had no kids. Check with everything. Laziness and sex were not in my top 5. Guess what issues we are now having?


Laziness and sex?

You never know how much something becomes a priority until you see it missing from the list.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

lovelygirl said:


> RebuildingMe said:
> 
> 
> > I think a single person in their 40’s needs to put together a list of what they are looking for in a person. Take the top 3-5 and if the person fits that, they wouldn’t be settling. You’re never going to get everything you are looking for. However, just make sure you have the most important items at the top of your list.
> ...


You can also add honesty to that list and away we go. If I had to do it over again, I would have added those items to the “must have” part of the list.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

People may feel like they settled. The one that got away was smarter or prettier or hornier or funnier or whatever. But things change. 

For me, the one that got away, that would sometimes make me think I settled was 'book' smarter, but not socially smarter. She was pretty, but not as pretty as my wife. She was hornier. She was more competitive which I really liked. She was more fun to joke around with.

But now, 30 years later. I see pictures of her and she has gained about 100 lbs. I heard that she cheated on her husband a few years back.

So yeah, at times I felt like I settled. But I didn't.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

I think the notion that someone settled is mostly backed by an over-inflated view of their own worth or what they provide to the marriage.

The person that feels they settled, clearly feels they are better or provide more to their spouse than they get in return.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Tasorundo said:


> I think the notion that someone settled is mostly backed by an over-inflated view of their own worth or what they provide to the marriage.
> 
> The person that feels they settled, clearly feels they are better or provide more to their spouse than they get in return.


I agree with this. 

And adding: if you are really in love with your partner you are not going to ever feel like you "settled".


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

If you ever thought you settled...you settled. For me, there was never a time I though I settled. Never settle for anything, life's too short.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Lila said:


> I think women over 40 with children settle as well. It's not a bad settling but more of a making lemonade out of a bunch of lemons. For example, I'm mid 40s and on paper I'm probably a good catch however most men with similar qualities and age are looking for younger (read hotter) women. They would be settling for me. So I am settling for a different future than I anticipated.


Oh, I understand your point. As much as it's true that men would prefer a younger woman compared to "settling for you", I also think it depends on the type of man. A man might go for a hotter/younger woman but she might make his life miserable because she doesn't have your maturity, especially if she doesn't have kids and he does.

If a man above 40s is still looking to date hotter/younger chicks, then he might not be the right one for you - in the first place. So, you still win. 

If he appreciates other things in a woman (the things that you have), he wouldn't have to settle. You'd be his choice, not his option. :smile2:




> I won't be in a relationship with someone my age in similar circumstances but I can still get my needs met. I can date younger (hotter) guys for sexual fulfillment. I can go out with friends to get companionship. I can involve myself with my church to meet my spiritual needs. I can go on dates with men who are not looking for anything serious but are looking for a fun companion.
> 
> The journey may be very different from what I anticipated but the destination is the same. I'm getting needs met but I am nevertheless settling.


True, but the WAY you get your needs met defines whether it's by _settling_ or by _choice_.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

lovelygirl said:


> If a man above 40s is still looking to date hotter/younger chicks, then he might not be the right one for you - in the first place. *So, you still win.*


Reading your response made me think of the saying "all that glitters is not gold". Sometimes the losers are the true winners in the end. 




lovelygirl said:


> True, but the WAY you get your needs met defines whether it's by _settling_ or by _choice_.


What's the difference?


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

For me it is hard to define settling as others have said above.

Some people just want certain attributes or things from a relationship so will 'settle' for the first Man/Woman who provides these things but I guess in some ways everyone almost always settles in one attribute or feature whether they realize or not, maybe need money, status, somewhere to live, company, sex, someone to look after them, new mom/dad for kids from prior relationship etc.

But there can always can be someone hotter, better in bed, sexier body, smarter, richer, funnier, more educated, better chemistry, more fashionable, less drama, less baggage etc etc no one person can be the best of the best in every aspect or I very much doubt it and if there is they are probably dating the opposite sex equivilent. 

I know I am not the best looking guy my Fiance has dated, nor do I have the sexiest body but she thinks I am hot enough to have a good sex life, our chemistry is good, I am for sure not the most educated or wealthy but together we earn enough to live a decent life, I am smart enough to hold a decent job and converse with a wide variety of people in a social settings, I am Divorced and have custody of 2 kids under 10, still pay child support and alimony and was effectively broke when we met and was in constant legal hassle with my X but I was good enough company for her to want to continue dating and spending time with. I would not say she settled, I would say she got a more well rounded package


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I’d would easily take the job knowing I was their third choice. 

But that is based on the belief that within a year - they would be very glad they hired me. 

I met 4 of M2’s ex boyfriends:
1. Eye surgeon, handsome, charming, very sexist 
2. Eye surgeon, a near clone of Jon Hamm (the actor) from Mad Men. Charming until he slipped into sociopath mode without any apparent reason or warning
3. Eye surgeon - average looking - super charismatic - and already a multi millionaire at 30 - a total player who likely slept with 20-30 very attractive women in an average year. He was very openly non monogamous
4. The one younger guy was in school - 20 years old (M2 was 25), he was kind of quiet, very low affect. Looked like a Soloflex model - literally a perfect body - nearly damaged my hand with his grip when we met. And not really intentionally. 

From a pragmatic standpoint, I wasn’t playing in the same financial or aesthetic leagues as my predecessors. 

Thing is - M2’s primary love languages are: 
- humor
- playfulness 
- adventurousness 
- puzzles (spatial, numerical, linguistic)
- exploration - including graceful navigation over, around or thru the surprising obstacles that appear without warning 
- reading

Like hand and glove. 

Perhaps this all comes down to a valuation model. I don’t think it’s all that much of an accomplishment to get a woman to climb into bed with you. I really don’t. Especially before they become aware of all the errors and omissions made during the course of your construction and upbringing.....

But getting a woman to return to your bed, night after night, year after year, decade after decade. To get her to look at you with admiration AFTER she knows all your quirks and fracture points. Now THAT, is something. 




CraigBesuden said:


> What does it mean to settle? Is it a bad thing to do?
> 
> If you marry a man who is exactly what you were looking for, except he’s the same height as you and you wanted someone taller, is that settling?
> 
> ...


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

CraigBesuden said:


> What does it mean to settle?


I saw this scientific experiment where a group of people with varying levels of desirability were placed in a room and given one minute to pick out a partner. In most cases people ended up with a equally as desirable partner in comparison to themselves.

Then the same group of people were put in full body jumpsuits with most of their faces covered. A number was placed on their forehead that only others could read. 10 was the most desirable and 1 was the least desirable. The group was given one minute to pair was the most desirable partner as possible. The exact same result occurred. 10s paired with 10s and 1s paired with 1s. 

In some cases the numbers were mismatched. This is because low self esteem persuaded a very desirable person that he/she was not and this person would accept the first offer or an early offer that he/she got. 

It was interesting to observe that if you took an undesirable person in real life and artificially made them desirable just with a number, here is what happened.... They behaved just like a very desirable person in real life. This person would immediately get lots of offers to pair with someone. Realizing this changed their behavior to be much more reserved and wait. Unfortunate this resulted in an inability to choose and all the desirable mates would quickly become taken. Then he/she would have to settle for whatever was left. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

MEM2020 said:


> From a pragmatic standpoint, I wasn’t playing in the same financial or aesthetic leagues as my predecessors.


Did that make you feel that she was “settling” for you?


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

badsanta said:


> I saw this scientific experiment where a group of people with varying levels of desirability were placed in a room and given one minute to pick out a partner. In most cases people ended up with a equally as desirable partner in comparison to themselves.
> 
> Then the same group of people were put in full body jumpsuits with most of their faces covered. A number was placed on their forehead that only others could read. 10 was the most desirable and 1 was the least desirable. The group was given one minute to pair was the most desirable partner as possible. The exact same result occurred. 10s paired with 10s and 1s paired with 1s.
> 
> ...


My brother mentioned that study to me. It makes sense.

However, in real life, people are not only concerned with looks. I suppose that looks (or a high number) can stand in for a person’s overall desirability. But I believe that not everybody values things equally, though; some value intelligence more than looks, for example. So overall desirability will be different than picking on looks.

Humans have evolved to believe in the underdog. Human nature is to take a gamble on small odds if they might help us get back to break even (and it makes casinos rich). Settling often means cutting your losses, quitting while you are behind, which most people have trouble doing.

“Why accept a guy who is a 7 just because I’m 35? I could have gotten an 8 when I was thirty, and I’d rather have a 5% chance of securing an 8 than a 100% chance at a 7....”


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Craig,
Let me make this even easier for you. The MAIN reason M2 married me is because she accidentally got pregnant and - as a practicing Catholic - does not believe that it is acceptable to terminate a pregnancy. 

That doesn’t mean - I lacked appealing qualities. She found many of my qualities to be lovable. But I was a spoiled, self focused and somewhat immature 27 year old. 

In the spirit of trying to provide a 360 degree picture of our dynamic 30 years ago:
- I was in love with M2 
- I was completely unthreatened by her ex boyfriends
- I was not shy about expressing my viewpoint 

Six weeks before the actual wedding date we were driving home one night. We lived together for a year before we married. Maybe 5 minutes from the rental house M2 says - completely out of the blue: I’m not sure I can marry a non Catholic.

I thought for a moment and said totally calm: 

We shouldn’t get married if you don’t feel right about it. Thing is - everything is scheduled and while I’m perfectly fine canceling, I’m not going to risk jerking my family around twice. So if we cancel, and later you change your mind - it’s gonna be a three person wedding: You, me and your priest. Which is ok with me. 

And then I was quiet. After an extended silence M2 said: let’s proceed and I said - ok

Within a year M2 realized that she hadn’t settled. 

And - in the spirit of objectively gauging just how far I moved the needle on M2’s: IntoHimMeter......

Aside from being good, giving and game at home, and at an overall high frequency, M2 would do crazy stuff on vacation.

A few years in.....
We were in the totally clear water of Perdido Key, maybe 100 feet into the Gulf of Mexico - water up to our shoulders bouncing up and down with the surf. Early afternoon - in bright sunlight. No one else in the water, maybe a dozen people on the beach. M2 slides forward and starts kissing me. A minute later she reaches down - adjusts our bathing suits - and - we are having sex in the water standing up. Well I’m standing, her legs are wrapped round me. 

A year later in Hawaii - surrounded by other tourists up above a lava tube beach with a big spout, she climbed over the security rail and gestured to me. I followed. A couple minutes later we are on the lava, but out of site of the people above. The next thing I know we’re having sex.

A couple years later - on a beach with these odd - almost room like natural cavities - same thing. 

So - if I’m M2’s third or fourth or fifth choice, than I say without reservation: Thank God, as otherwise I’d be long dead of sexual exhaustion.....







CraigBesuden said:


> Did that make you feel that she was “settling” for you?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

That is absolutely true for me. My selection model goes like this: 

Is this person not really working for me physically? (I’m probably physically compatible with 1/3 to 1/4 of the women in my age group)

If they pass the go/no go on the physical side, I start gauging: 
- humor
- playfulness 
- self awareness 
- situational awareness 
- physical fitness 
- edge
- adventurousness and exploration 
- puzzles of all types 
- reading habits 






CraigBesuden said:


> My brother mentioned that study to me. It makes sense.
> 
> However, in real life, people are not only concerned with looks. I suppose that looks (or a high number) can stand in for a person’s overall desirability. But I believe that not everybody values things equally, though; some value intelligence more than looks, for example. So overall desirability will be different than picking on looks.
> 
> ...


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

MEM2020 said:


> So - if I’m M2’s third or fourth or fifth choice, than I say without reservation: Thank God, as otherwise I’d be long dead of sexual exhaustion.....


Lol.

Does your wife have a younger sister? Asking for a friend >


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

How did they measure desirability? It seems it would be different for different people.

In the version where they were all given numbers, that makes economic sense, but doesn't match real world desirabiliy.







badsanta said:


> I saw this scientific experiment where a group of people with varying levels of desirability were placed in a room and given one minute to pick out a partner. In most cases people ended up with a equally as desirable partner in comparison to themselves.
> 
> Then the same group of people were put in full body jumpsuits with most of their faces covered. A number was placed on their forehead that only others could read. 10 was the most desirable and 1 was the least desirable. The group was given one minute to pair was the most desirable partner as possible. The exact same result occurred. 10s paired with 10s and 1s paired with 1s.
> 
> ...


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Livvie said:


> I agree with this.
> 
> And adding: if you are really in love with your partner you are not going to ever feel like you "settled".


 Only if they love you back just as much, though.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

To me, settling would mean frequently thinking that you could have done better. For a good marriage, I think you should feel lucky to have married the person you married.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

@CraigBesuden

Following up on the question of marital settlement....

Right around our 9th year together, and when our youngest was maybe four years old - I did this Indian Princesses thing with my daughter. Even though this was a daddy/daughter thing - the moms had a light level of participation.

And one day, one of the other Moms - said something about her husband and how much he liked sex. And M2 apparently said, yeah, mine too. 

I’ve mentioned that M2 has an analytical side to her. I may have skipped over her curiosity and boundary issues. Apparently M2 and this other woman got pretty specific about overall frequency as well as the incidence of specific acts. That night I come home happy - as usual. Back then - mid thirties - we had sex almost every night - so we had sex. And afterwards, out of the blue, M2 asks me: Would you like to have sex twice a day? 

Now - fwiw - at near daily I already felt very lucky. Especially since, M2 is very good at that game. I DID know that near daily was more than M2’s natural desire level and that - our existing frequency represented some level of sacrifice on her part. So her question confused me. Anyway, she persisted in getting me to answer the question. And I said yes, twice a day would be great. 

And for a year or so - that was the new routine. Nearly every morning and every night. 

Example number 58 of M2 acting like she married the right guy.....




CraigBesuden said:


> Did that make you feel that she was “settling” for you?


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

...


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