# Wife Calls Me Names



## matman

When we have an argument, my wife calls me names. She says I am a moron and an idiot. She's explained to me that when I am acting like one she is going to call me one. I've asked that she stop as it hurts my feelings. You may read our whole story in the infidelity section. It will help you to understand that although I know I deserve this, I still can't help but ask her to stop. It hurts

She says she doesn't mean I am an idiot all the time just in that moment. But she doesn't say "you're being such an idiot right now" she says "oh my god your such an idiot" or something to that effect. Any other ideas?


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## Kurosity

She really needs to stop and you do have the right to ask that of her. Despite what you have done or she has done name calling even in the heat of a dissagreement is not helathy for either of you. You do not deserve to be treated like that reguardless of what is going on.

Try talking to her some more on the subject because even if she thinks in the moment you are acting like an idiot to call you one is not ok. There are so many words that one can use to express their feelings/ dislikes but none have to be belittling or mean. Try talking to her and give her time to correct this behavior because it sounds like she has a habit and thoes take a while to break. Still does not make it ok to do.

Good luck.


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## Enchantment

I'm not sure why you think you should deserve this kind of treatment. No one deserves to be called names and treated disrespectfully.

You don't have to tolerate it. Simply hold up your hand in a 'stop' gesture, say in a calm, confident voice "I realize you are upset now. We can talk later after you've calmed down and can talk respectfully.", walk away (out the door for a while if you need to), and simply lather, rinse, repeat. Practice doing it on your own in front of a mirror, and then consistently implement.

Best wishes.


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## matman

I talked with her extensively last night about it. Her response is that because of everything she is not going to sugarcoat things for me. She told me that if I can't deal with it to bad, I'll just have to get over it. She isn't going to "hold back" and if "I think you're being an idiot, I'm going to call you one" I feel like I've made it very clear how it makes me feel and that she just doesn't care. I am looking for some sort of creative alternative. Another way to get the point across.


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## hisfac

If you know you deserve being called an idiot, yet you don't like it when you're being called an idiot, then stop acting like an idiot and she'll stop calling you an idiot.


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## CandieGirl

My mother called us names for years; I vowed never to do it to my kids or my husband, and I don't. Your wife needs to learn how to control herself! She's being downright disrespectful!


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## matman

hisfac. I don't feel like i am being an idiot. I say I deserve it because of the way I treated her in the past. She has the right to treat me how she wants. I just wish she wouldn't. I guess I should stop whining.

Candie. I realize she's being disrespectful but she doesn't feel as if she needs to be respectful of me, again because of how I've treated her in the past.


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## Enchantment

matman said:


> I talked with her extensively last night about it. Her response is that because of everything she is not going to sugarcoat things for me. She told me that if I can't deal with it to bad, I'll just have to get over it. She isn't going to "hold back" and if "I think you're being an idiot, I'm going to call you one" I feel like I've made it very clear how it makes me feel and that she just doesn't care. I am looking for some sort of creative alternative. Another way to get the point across.


Follow the technique that I gave you. 

YOU need to resort to ACTION in order to get this to stop. Talking about how you feel about it with a plea for her to stop is obviously not working. Instead, implement in your actions that this is unacceptable behaviour on her part.

Again, calmly and confidently state that you will not talk with her if she continues to talk disrespectfully to you, walk away if she escalates, maintain YOUR dignity and self-respect throughout. SHOW her that you are a guy that has his act together and is worthy of respect.

Go to the Men's Clubhouse sub-forum and look at the sticky thread at the top entitled "The Man Up and Nice Guy Reference". Read the thread in that about fitness testing for techniques you can use in these kinds of circumstances.

Best wishes.


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## Enchantment

matman said:


> I don't feel like i am being an idiot. I say I deserve it because of the way I treated her in the past. She has the right to treat me how she wants. I just wish she wouldn't. I guess I should stop whining.


Hi matman ~

I don't know your back story - haven't had a chance to look through it yet. 

BUT, I do believe that even if you may have messed up or were less than perfect or even completely awful at times in the past DOES NOT mean that someone has free license to treat you disrespectfully and abuse you verbally/emotionally.

I hope that you will be able to believe that, because it is your current inability to believe that that is fostering and enabling her backtalk. I hope that you can find your own value within yourself and your self-respect again.

"_He that respects himself is safe from others; he wears a coat of mail that none can pierce." ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow_

Best wishes.


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## MSP

Your wife has no respect for you. From reading your older thread about sex where you said that your wife used to use sex to get a feeling of companionship, I'd say that she is also having trouble bonding with you in any meaningful way--not uncommon for someone with that type of past.

Do the ManUp stuff, read MMSL, have lots of foreplay during sex.


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## DocHoliday

Name calling is a control technique. She does it to belittle and get the upper hand in a situation. It is hard to see, and even harer to change.

It is not an appropriate way for her to address you, can you have her come here and post?

I used to namecall. Quite a bit, (sometimes little names, somtimes big no-nos.) It ended badly for me and my (at the time) good marriage. At the time I did not understand the dynamic.

Labeling and know-it-alling around her is not going to benefit you, either.
Nor is your whining about it. You will both need a plan of action to help you guys move forward.


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## Kurosity

Not sugar coating things does not mean one calls the other names. How hard is it to say, "I really do not like the way you are acting." rather then, "You are an idiot." 

You need to stop thinking you deserve poor treatment. You need to stand up for your self and just because you made some mistake does not give your wife the green light to hurt you in such a way. You have told her how you feel and she refuses to respect you. Don't become a door matt for her to walk all over. 

Take the advice given above. If name calling starts end the conversation in a polite and calm way. .


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## abandonedcompletely

matman said:


> When we have an argument, my wife calls me names. She says I am a moron and an idiot. She's explained to me that when I am acting like one she is going to call me one. I've asked that she stop as it hurts my feelings. You may read our whole story in the infidelity section. It will help you to understand that although I know I deserve this, I still can't help but ask her to stop. It hurts
> 
> She says she doesn't mean I am an idiot all the time just in that moment. But she doesn't say "you're being such an idiot right now" she says "oh my god your such an idiot" or something to that effect. Any other ideas?


I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't believe in name calling, regardless how upset I am.

Your wife should be able to discuss her thoughts and feelings without resorting to name calling.

My motto is "speak the truth with love"

You have every right to want to be spoken to in a respectful way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog

Luckily my wife flips out in French and my French is not very good. Most of my expletives are in Russian and Polish. Which she doesn't know. And if all else fails, the Arabic 'kusemek' is a general purpose curse word. We neither of us take any of it very seriously. It think the key is to distinguish anger from hate.


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## nicole2011

DocHoliday said:


> Name calling is a control technique. She does it to belittle and get the upper hand in a situation. It is hard to see, and even harer to change.
> 
> It is not an appropriate way for her to address you, can you have her come here and post?
> 
> I used to namecall. Quite a bit, (sometimes little names, somtimes big no-nos.) It ended badly for me and my (at the time) good marriage. At the time I did not understand the dynamic.
> 
> Labeling and know-it-alling around her is not going to benefit you, either.
> Nor is your whining about it. You will both need a plan of action to help you guys move forward.





Are you still married? If so, how did you wife get over it?


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## matman

Runs Like A Dog: That's hilarious
I think I will try and bring up the fact that there are other ways to communicate the fact that she doesn't like how I'm acting other than calling me an idiot. I have long sensed it's a control thing. However realizing that, to me, reduces that control. "Speak the Truth with Love" is something she needs to hear.
I feel a little empowered today, probably means we'll have a fight later. She can sense that.


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