# Trying to understand the missus...



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I've never really confronted this issue of the missus directly because to be honest I still don't know what it is, or whether it's even a condition such as bipolar... or whether she would really admit, but... anyways here's her life pattern which makes me a bit suspect of her really:

Before I met her:
Youth - Apparently she loved attention, loved being a party girl, always touching, flashing, and 'experimenting' with boys and girls (yet denies being bisexual) - when young.
Young Adulthood - Became an escort, and not even for the money. She told me the 'feel wanted' thing but to be honest she SURE didn't sound like a 'victim' of anything.

When I met her:
Late 20s - Joined a church, met her there, seemed to be putting on an act to 'fit in', I knew she was a woman with a past like me so we became quite close. Then yeah, we hooked up after 1 year, then later got a kid and got married... 
After marriage - Over time however it seems her faith got intertwined with my own beliefs over the years, I can't really say she's a 'true-blue' christian anymore and even in some ways she seems confused thanks to me. She seems to have come to terms with her past too. The way she tells her 'stories' is also much hotter (also cause she knows it turns me on), and the element of pride is there now, I wonder if it was there before?
Present times - Insanely high sex drive, increased over the years, makes her rather demanding and she does seem to become someone else whenever she doesn't get it. Completely loyal and dedicated, but she's still extremely high maintenance due to this, she 'needs her fix'

Love addiction? Sex addiction?
Could this have happened ever since her youth? Is it an esteem issue?
Should I confront with this? And if so... how? Although she's amusing when mad, this could be probing a little too deep...

What you ladies think? :scratchhead:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Her willingly becoming an escort to feel "wanted" and not for monetary purposes is a huge red flag. That coupled with her being angry if you don't have sex with her 3x a day and her unwillingness to compromise with you... eh. I am no psychologist but I would bet there are deep-seeded issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I never judged her for her past, but it does make me wonder yes - if her past is connected to her present behaviour in this manner. I don't know what to do about this though, I'm tired of fighting over the same thing, much rather she think up something else to brawl over.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Her willingly becoming an escort to feel "wanted" and not for monetary purposes is a huge red flag. That coupled with her being angry if you don't have sex with her 3x a day and her unwillingness to compromise with you... eh. I am no psychologist but I would bet there are deep-seeded issues.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree.

While a wife wanting to have sex three times a day may not be the norm, it would be fine if she also took her husband's needs and desires in to consideration. But, it doesn't sound like she does that.

I guess we could all play amateur psychologist and come up with different ideas. Here's another one: Sexual Addiction in AllPsych Journal


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Was she ever sexually abused? Histrionic personality? What's her relationship like with her dad? With her mom? Siblings? Has she ever suffered from depression?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I'm with JB my bet is there are deep seated issues. The getting angry when she doesn't get it is my red flag.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thanks all for your support, this has been most helpful.

As for abuse, it's not something that she has mentioned, and I don't really know how to exactly drag this in particular out of her. She did mention some issues in the past dealing with society due to her mixed-ethnic/cultural upbringing however, but they seem very minor, and not so sure if that could have anything to do with this.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Just like JellyBeans my first question would be whether or not she had been sexually abused. Hyper sexuality is common place with sexual abuse. The underlining thought being that 1. It is the only way men will admire/desire the person and 2. It's better to always put out than it is to say no and be forced. 

Although I would think if she trusted you and felt secure in your relationship that she would at least drop hints or have come out and told you by now.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ok, have to get to the bottom of this...
I found some sexual addiction tests, now how to get the missus around to do 'em? :scratchhead:

I don't get it really, she never mentioned any sexual abuse during her youth, her family seems quite stable, and she herself was very careful as well as an escort. The only thing that hampened her self-esteem when she was young was her tri-cultural nature but kids and teens tease and make fun all the time so it can't be because of that either. 

She is VERY proud and secure in who she is now when it comes to being of mixed ethnicity, so I don't get it. As for her esteem, she's rather confident in looks and gets complimented all the time. Regardless I always found it strange that I'm the 'first' she fell for.

As for her trust and level of security in our marriage all I can do is reassure her but if her security is depended on emptying out my ballsacs there's only so many submarines my factory can produce! Meh, she's a mystery sometimes even after all these years.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I don't think the issue lies with her background/ethnicity. 

To me it is a MAJOR red flag that she chose to be an escort in order to feel "wanted." Not for $, not cause she needed to do it, not for kicks. Just to feel wanted. That to me says she is probably very insecure.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Aye, guess it seems her insecurities are covered up by a lot of layers. Always she is confident, bold and proud, carries herself well with a smile, you wouldn't think of her as insecure at all - I wonder if she's changed or just learnt how to cover it up.

Hell I don't know how to approach this, getting her to admit that she's insecure / needs help is even harder then getting her to admit that she's bisexual!!!!


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

She is using external validation, mostly sexual from the sound of it, to feed her fragile ego. What she may not realize is that only she can really permanently fill that void. It comes from loving and accepting yourself, not from hot sex, attention from guys, etc.

She may substitute one "void filler" for another, but until she fixes the core issue - lack of self-esteem/self-worth - she will continue to be controlled and driven to make herself feel better through means that a) don't work long-term b) can be very self-destructive.

Sounds like she needs a good psychologist to get to the bottom of this.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

So... in other words, there's nothing I myself can do to help her right? Either then attempting to convince her that she needs help? I wonder how to subtly get her to acknowledge it, there's a sexual addiction test from a site but I can't find the words to say to get her to do it.

Considering she hasn't brought this up, and the fact that she feels that she's still in the right with her insane demands; she seems to be denying her problem to herself most probably... =/


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Random,

On the surface, a lot of people are proud and confident,

actually, deep down in their heart, they are struggling with low self-esteem issue, especially after some major trauma happened in their life. 

You don't think that proud and low self-esteem go together, but they do! 

Your wife knows men, she knows that cheating is common for men, she knows that the best way to stop men from cheating is to have him F***ed out, so he has no energy to go else where. I do think she is struggling with insecure issues. She doesn't want to admit it, she doesn't realize it, but it is there! 

A few months ago, there was a popular TV show in Taiwan about men having mistresses, and the wife fighting hard for her life. A lot of wives became insecure, they started dressing up for themselves, they started going to beauty salons, but one case got the reporters attention. She became paranoid, she wanted sex with her husband every day and three times a day, she wanted to dry her husband out. Her husband had to work and had to deal with her, finally he had no idea but went to the police station to ask for help, she ran after him in her lingerie! It is amusing for us but for them, it is sad. 

When a person doesn't act normal, there must be a reason. 

I am a high sex drive woman, but I don't need three times a day. It happened to me last year because I was posting about sex on forums. But now the problem is gone, I am back to my normal drive. Sometimes once a day, sometimes once in two days. Or you can learn to be like my husband, just give me as much as I want.  Last year, I wanted sex three times a day, he was thrilled, he let me have him as much as I wanted. He never deprived me sex. When I want sex, but he doesn't, he lies there and just lets me have him, he doesn't cum.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> So... in other words, there's nothing I myself can do to help her right? Either then attempting to convince her that she needs help? I wonder how to subtly get her to acknowledge it, there's a sexual addiction test from a site but I can't find the words to say to get her to do it.
> 
> Considering she hasn't brought this up, and the fact that she feels that she's still in the right with her insane demands; she seems to be denying her problem to herself most probably... =/


It's like an alcoholic. Until they actually _want_ something beyond looking for their next drink, they're just going to keep looking for that fix. You can DO whatever you want, but until she's in the game...you're just spinning your wheels.

I'll say this though. What it seems from what you've said, the two of you have a pretty entrenched pattern of fighting and fu(cking as your way of communicating and cycling through your relationship. You poke at each other until things explode and then you screw each others brains out until you feel better. If that's your basic dynamic, it's going to be dang hard to either get her to admit that there's a problem with the way she looks at things, or for the two of you to entirely re-work your relationship. 

You may want to look at exactly how deep your curiosity is on this topic before you dive into the land of lay-therapist...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thanks all, aye I guess it's issues deep underneath, as for our conflict resolution system, it ain't the best, but just feels so natural somehow. I am going to confront her soon, somehow, someway...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You need to 'man up' RD. Avoiding the things that are bothering you in order to placate her isn't the way. And it will resolve nothing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I know, but we just had a fight, so I'm just going with it for a while to help her heal through lovey doveys. I have to confront her somehow but knowing her and anticipating her response; it has to be sharp and witty, I need to make sure that she can't deny it in my face, or to play her way out of the confrontation. Any hints in regards to that would be helpful.


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