# Power, Control and Disagreement issues



## Antheia (Jul 5, 2010)

I wonder is someone can help me sort out how much disagreement creates a power and control issue?
I feel like my husband is slowly getting more controlling and I am slowly losing say in the relationship. 
Or maybe I should not have any say?? Should it be 50/50 or is 90/10 workable?
He has always been competitive, meaning he has to win any argument or disagreement. He rarely (if ever, in my memory) just says oh well, let it go, agree to disagree. He is like this in all discussions with me he has to "win". I do seriously think this is partly his esteem issue but it is annoying and alienating for me.

I really wonder how much say or power I have in the relationship. There has not been anything big that has come up where I really had to put my foot down so it is hard to know. The test will come. He had agreed to move when he retires and that will probably be within 5 years. If I do not have any power or he doesn't respect me he will say no to the move and I will have to decide to move without him!

Another part of this is that he does not seem to comprehend that he would not like to be talked to the way he talks to me. I did this to him a couple of weeks ago and he got very mad and yelled and walked out of the room. Although it was almost the exact same words he uses on me. I have in fact said to him several times "If I talked to you that way you would not like it!" and he ignores me. I wonder does he thinks it is o.k. to have a double standard. He says what he likes but I can not.

Finally, can I do anything to respond to this struggle. Should I ignore it and it will not escalate, maybe it is just his personality?
Should I stand up to him and respond, or defend myself?
Should I just make plans to leave him?

Sitting down and having a calm discussion does not work as I have tried and he denies it or gets into technical issues like saying "when did I say that, what exactly did I say" and since I can not repeat vebatim then he discounts it and refuses to discuss (bullying me rather than admit he did something wrong). Counselling is out of the question because he would not go.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

If you tell him your marriage depends on going to counseling, he will go if he wants the marriage. If he doesn't go, he does not want the marriage and you will have your answer. He is superior and disrespectful. This happens a lot. A WHOLE LOT! Most men get the message after their wife leaves although despite her (your) repeated complaints and attempts to make him understand, the guy declares he had no idea there was anything wrong in the marriage and no idea why his wife left him. I hope you do not tolerate this any longer. He is not your father. He is not your grade school bully. He only get acts this way because you allow him. Leave or demand counseling.


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## soa2010 (Jul 7, 2010)

sounds like an old fashion guy who doesnt think he has to answer to you which isnt a marriage you may want the shock and awe of recording a one sided conversation then play it back or email it so he can listen alone without you around its like the mirror trick if you cant see whats in the mirror how can you truly be happy with yourself and your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

It could be he's old fashioned, it could be he's oversensitive (may not sound right, but do some reading; my oh is like you describe but reckons it's me who does the disagreeing the whole time) it could be he has issues from childhood about gender roles, it could be a combination. 
How long have you been together? 1st or subsequent relationship? If so, what were previous spouse(s) like? In terms of decision making, power etc? 
I really really empathise with your post. Will re-visit because I'm literally in a rush having spent ages replying to posts on my own thread about apologising!!!!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

soa2010 said:


> sounds like an old fashion guy who doesnt think he has to answer to you which isnt a marriage you may want the shock and awe of recording a one sided conversation then play it back or email it so he can listen alone without you around its like the mirror trick if you cant see whats in the mirror how can you truly be happy with yourself and your life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly what I was thinking. Get a solid state voice activated recorder and have it on you at all times. Some mobile phones have a recording facility but often they’re limited in the amount of time they record. Keep it out of view.

If you do record what your husband said and perhaps more importantly the way he said it, emotions etc. then play it back to yourself while you are alone. If you’ve captured the essence of what you want to communicate to him then what next? Perhaps a note left by the recorder somewhere where he can see it. Explain exactly why you recorded the conversation, how you felt at the time etc. and that it is just between the two of you, there is no copy of the recording and he’s welcome to delete it if he wishes. Perhaps you can give the note and recording to him and then go off out by yourself for a few hours to give him space and time to contemplate what it is he’s learned and what he intends to do about it.


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## Antheia (Jul 5, 2010)

Thanks everyone for your comments. I do agree with Susan2010 that if he doesn't care enough to go to counselling then he doesn't care about the relationship. However, I knid of think he feels that there is no need for counselling cause there is nothing wrong with him. Hard to imagine him admitting he needs work. Also I think that he is just stubborn enough to choose breaking up over admitting a problem. 
The problem is, that if I force something on him I have to be prepared that he will choose the option of breaking up. I am in a corner and I could not make it finacially alone. I have been trying to find work for about 3 years and can't get anything.

Madimoff said, could be that he is oversensitive and I think that there is a lot of truth to that. I tried at one point to figure out what exactly he does want in a marriage and a relationship and I just don't know. Sometimes I think that what he wants is an employee, he tells me what to do and how and I make sure he makes all the decisions. My job is to make his life easier, to do for him the things he doesn't want to, doesn't have time or doesn't even know need doing. Maybe every man really wants that but somehow, in an equal relationship they realize they can't be so selfish or they won't have the woman around.

Madimoff you asked some questions and I will try to answer. Been together over 8 years, 1st marriage for both although we are middle age. I was on my own and supported myself for a couple of decades. He lived with a woman for several years. Interestingly he was essentially an only child and his father died very soon after he was born. I often wonder if his mother spoilt him and he kind of got use to having a female there for all his needs. I had older sibliings and learned early that it's not all about me!

In all of this I admit I have my issues. I may not be the type of personality he was looking for. I think maybe that he can't handle my issues because he is so busy with his own. I'm not sure what I do to annoy him but I know there are things and maybe he can't deal with that cause he wants everything focused on him.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I don't know that being an only child has much to do with it, although it could be a small part of it. I myself am an only child, a quite spoiled one in fact, and I don't expect anyone to cater to my needs. 

I think a relationship should be as close to 50/50 as possible. Obviously, on some things, one or the other of you will have more knowledge, skill, etc. to handle it and therefore should have a little more say. For example, my boyfriend knows a lot more about cars and how to repair them than I do, so when my car breaks down, I defer to him to figure out what's wrong and how to fix it. He tells me what's wrong and what he thinks needs to be done to fix it, to get my input, but pretty much my input is "Ok, babe. Sounds great. When will it be done?" But, at the same time, I'm better at dealing with with things like how to organize the kitchen or keeping track of when the bills are due, so on those he defers to me. But most stuff we discuss and try to decide together. 

Being able to agree to disagree is important in a lasting, intimate relationship like this. You two live in the same house, sleep in the same bed. You can't have a ton of tension because you can't let go of an argument. It sounds to me as though perhaps he doesn't see it as agreeing to disagree, but as admitting he's wrong. Some people think that. They think that by saying, "You have your opinion, I have mine, they're different, let's leave it alone" that in reality what they're saying is, "You think this, I think that, you're right, but I don't want to admit it." Silly, yes, but that's how some people see it. And maybe that's how he thinks. 

I agree with Susan in that if he wants your marriage, he'll agree to counselling if he truly believes that you mean it when you say it's counselling or it's over. A man or woman who truly loves their partner and wants their relationship to work will do anything to save it, even if it's something they don't feel is necessary. They even will sometimes start out doing whatever it is to humor the partner and just keep them from leaving. Even if that's the only reason he goes in the beginning, to humor you, eventually (hopefully) he'll begin to see where he's wrong, and change for the better. 

If he blatantly refuses, then you may have to accept that this is who he is and he's just not going to change. That's the point where you decide if you can live with it or if you need to leave.


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