# Should I pull the plug!



## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

My story is here. Many of you will already know it.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/showthread.php?t=47931

In one sense R has been going well. We don't fight, NC is in place, we attend MC, our communication is a little better but still work to do on that. We hug, made love a couple of times, we spend time together and enjoy it.

BUT - you knew that was coming - I am having real doubts about whether I want to carry on. I feel she is just in it for the children and, if I am honest, for the money, safety and security I provide. She is not 'in love' with me and at this moment feels she never will be. She has a strong yearning to be free and is subsuming that under a veneer of smiling but an itch to get out.

My problem has always been that I am pushing towards her and she is pulling away. Having gone 180, I am still looking after myself, but unless I initiate talk about 'us' or a hug, nothing ever happens. In other words, I am doing he heavy lifting. She is not. That despite her having an EA.

I looked at a flat today and have sorted finances to make it easy if I go, but I played with my two beautiful boys earlier and it tears me to pieces what that would do to them. (I know all the stuff about not leaving the marital home re custody etc and am considering that carefully. It may be that she goes to the flat).

So, I am here hoping it gets better and really, really, really wanting to protect my boys who at 9 & 6 deserve their wonderful innocence to continue.

She goes to college in six weeks and I am paying.

She says she wants to work on us but needs time and space. I know she is out of the OM fog, but reconnection with me is not there.

It may be that me pulling out at this point brings her to a realisation one way or the other. I still love her like crazy, so this is hard.

Or perhaps I just need to be patient and fill up her 'love bank'.

Any thoughts welcome.


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

Sorry, to clarify, 180 was in the past prior to NC.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Are you in MC?

You can't just keep filling her love bank while yours is empty. Especially since she cheated, not you!!!

Your D day is 3 months ago - early for you, but it shouldn't be for her. By now she should be doing a LOT more than it sounds like she is.


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

Agreed Hope - yes, we are in MC and she is in IC. My IC counsellor suggested a break for six weeks to see where she gets to.

She should be doing more, but at least she is here, with NC, and day to day is OK. If OM were even lurking I would be out the door at this stage, but her concern now is whether she can reconnect to me or whether she needs to live unhappily if under the same roof. She WANTS to be in love with me, but feels like she may never be. I have the obvious anxiety about that, particularly following an EA.
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## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

If it was me, I would pull the plug. You deserve much better than this and her mind will not change. and now she is going to college, good luck with that, she is just playing the waiting game. ou know how when on an airplane they tell you to put your own mask on before your childs, this is the same. you can not do your best raising them without oxygen and this b^%$ is killing you slowly from the inside. Sadly you filing will also probably be a catalyst to her gaining attraction for you again. At that time you should still say too late.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Seesaw said:


> She says she wants to work on us but needs time and space. I know she is out of the OM fog, but reconnection with me is not there.


 "Time and space" is not working "on us", it is the exact opposite in fact and will hurt any efforts to reconnect. You moving out or having her move out will also probably lead to the end of your marraige. Do not start down the path "time and space" or one of you moving out unless you are ready to file for divorce.

Give it one last real try. Now that she is out of the fog, I would drop doing anything that looks like the 180 and focus instead on letting her back into you heart. Slowly start doing what the other man (OM) did and start working to get into an emotional affair (EA) with your wife. Start slowly and let it build. Get her to wait for you text messages and emails. Give it a try, you can always pull the plug later.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Seesaw said:


> She goes to college in six weeks and I am paying.
> 
> She says she wants to work on us but needs time and space. I know she is out of the OM fog, but reconnection with me is not there.


Don't pay for her college education right now. Help her out with part of it, she gets loan for most of it in her name only. I have a feeling she's gonna get the degree, get the job to support herself then ditch you. Just my opinion but from what you're describing she's only along for the ride until she can get off somewhere down the road.

Let her go to school, but on her dime not yours at this point. Especially if you don't see 100% commitment from her.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If it was me I would be really worried about her heading to college in her state of mind. The chances that she will find the singe self centered word of school and all the singles at school more attractive than the stress and issues of family life. So a new EA or worse is a very high likelyhood here.
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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I don't like it, I don't like it one bit. Whats concerning is the "she" is asking for. If any thing now is the time to be closer then any thing.

It sucks but you can force her to do the heavy lifting by filing for divorce. Maybe you can force her to be honest with you and her self by filing for divorce....I don't know, but I do know that until she feels some real consequences you wont know if she's in it for real or not.

I sucks to say but push the envlope and if she can take it then she may have some real commitment, if you push and she falls back then maybe its for the best.

At the end of the day is it worth spending the rest of your life in more lies or is it worth giving your kids a chance to see a healthy examble of a healthy relationship with some one else?

I have a feeling once you stop doing the heavy lifting she will turn this whole thing back on you. Thats when you face the fact that its just not there. A creation of her own design when she stepped out of the marriage with her EA.

Its tough bro, how long has it been...maybe she is just in withdrawals? I'm thiinking time is on your side and it will be up to her to keep you around...not the other way around.

So stop tolorating her lack of making right a wrong and stop..stop and see what she has in her to keep you around!


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I would not pay for college if I was in your shoes. 

Sounds to me like you are making it awfully easy on her. Not sure that's the best approach, at least from my experience.

Good luck
WD


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Did you try following the MAP plan in Married Man Sex Life?


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

cheatinghubby said:


> Don't pay for her college education right now. Help her out with part of it, she gets loan for most of it in her name only. I have a feeling she's gonna get the degree, get the job to support herself then ditch you. Just my opinion but from what you're describing she's only along for the ride until she can get off somewhere down the road.
> 
> Let her go to school, but on her dime not yours at this point. Especially if you don't see 100% commitment from her.


:iagree:


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> :iagree:


I second the motion


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

skip76 said:


> If it was me, I would pull the plug. You deserve much better than this and her mind will not change. and now she is going to college, good luck with that, she is just playing the waiting game. ou know how when on an airplane they tell you to put your own mask on before your childs, this is the same. you can not do your best raising them without oxygen and this b^%$ is killing you slowly from the inside. Sadly you filing will also probably be a catalyst to her gaining attraction for you again. At that time you should still say too late.


Thanks, Skip. My head knows the oxygen bit is right and I appreciate your thoughts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

TRy said:


> "Time and space" is not working "on us", it is the exact opposite in fact and will hurt any efforts to reconnect. You moving out or having her move out will also probably lead to the end of your marraige. Do not start down the path "time and space" or one of you moving out unless you are ready to file for divorce.
> 
> Give it one last real try. Now that she is out of the fog, I would drop doing anything that looks like the 180 and focus instead on letting her back into you heart. Slowly start doing what the other man (OM) did and start working to get into an emotional affair (EA) with your wife. Start slowly and let it build. Get her to wait for you text messages and emails. Give it a try, you can always pull the plug later.


Absolutely agreed. I am trying my best on this one and it COULD work as a way to reconnect. That said, I need to be careful not to push - slowly, as you say. Apart from the personal pain I have no urgency to pull the plug, I am still looking at what is best for us as a couple. If pulling the plug - showing I am serious - were to work, I would do it.
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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

cheatinghubby said:


> Don't pay for her college education right now. Help her out with part of it, she gets loan for most of it in her name only. I have a feeling she's gonna get the degree, get the job to support herself then ditch you. Just my opinion but from what you're describing she's only along for the ride until she can get off somewhere down the road.
> 
> Let her go to school, but on her dime not yours at this point. Especially if you don't see 100% commitment from her.


Two thoughts here. The first is that my wife, of her own accord, has applied for a loan to cover tuition fees, but it is unlikely she will get it for reasons of type of course and inability to pass the credit scoring without my name on it. She might, we will see.One thing I am sure of is that she is not playing the game with cynicism. What you say might come to pass, but not through a conscious plan.

The second thought is me wanting to do the right thing by her. My wife stopped working to bring up our kids through a joint decision 10 years ago while I got on with my career. It seems unfair that I have a good income out of our joint efforts while she has nothing financial to show. For me to cut her off would be difficult for me morally and despite her being the one to break the contract.
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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

Shaggy, the guy and workingdad, thanks for your comments. That all makes sense.
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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

Chap, yes, I am doing a pretty good job with the MAP. It may just need time to work. It could be me pushing things faster than they naturally want to go.
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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Seesaw, 'filling up the love bank' is for children. You unconditionally love them and they unconditionally love you. They thrive on it. You are irreplaceable to them. 

For partners, if it is a 2 way thing, it nurtures. 1 way, it means you are taken for granted. Used. She is not working hard for you therefore does not value you. You value the most, things you have had to work for, work hard for, sacrifice for. Easy come, easy go.


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

Thanks remains. You just wrote off Dr Harley's entire career there (from marriage builders) but you may be right about the love bank. Still your second paragraph is right in the taken for granted aspect.
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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I don't know about Dr Harleys career but I guess it hinges on filling up the love bank? Hey, I thrive on my love bank being filled, and I reciprocate. There4 it nurtures. Nothing more empty and lonely and heartbreaking than filling someone else's and for it not to be returned and reciprocated.

When I said it is for children I was thinking directly of your situation. Filling hers in the hope she will one day return it and love you more, and love u back. This kind of thing is for children. Yours is, in my opinion, a situation that needs love, but not in a doormat fashion. She needs to see you as something to keep, something she could lose, and not someone that will be there always no matter what loving her and taking care and accepting any old rubbish situation. 

A thought springs to mind, how about dating and having fun? That can be a good way to see if there is anything to rekindle. And it can rekindle a spark. You have young children, they take all the coupleness out of life as all is focussed on them. You stop doing things for yourselves and each other. Get some couple fun and frolics in there and see if that does anything to help? Just a thought.


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