# Still undecided...



## Senor (Jan 25, 2010)

I'm going on my 10th year of marriage this year. I have 3 children with my wife. We've been together a total of 11 plus years and right now, I'm just not sure if it can get better.

About 5 years ago, she became emotionally involved with a man who was my best friend. Almost 2 years ago, I found out through pictures on my pc that things had been more than just "emotional" between them. There was marijuana involved as well as alcohol. The pictures I found 2 years ago were just the icing on the cake for all of the other pictures I had found since the initial discovery of the affair. Secret cell phones, meetings, online journals, the works. 

Throughout the duration of the 5 years that have passed, I've debated divorcing her. I have tried to be a moral person and consider all options before just giving up. After discovering those pictures 2 yrs ago, it's honestly been downhill for me. She has tried in her own way to make it up to me over time. She is very much an introvert while I am obviously an extrovert. 

I do love her and I believe in the vows we took long ago. I believe you can make a relationship work if both people are committed. I would say that we are but, I still struggle with dissatisfaction and trust. On top of this, there is the ever looming thought, and opportunity, of happiness elswhere.

Right now, I'm not even sure if I should be typing this knowing all to well, how much I have researched, prayed, read, and know about the situation I'm in. Help? Not really. Non-critical opinions and testimonies? Please share.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Senor~

If you don't mind I have a few questions for you that may make a difference in the answers to you. Obviously this is an online forum and we don't know--can't know--everything through this media. But the answers to these questions might help clarify things. 

You say that 5 years ago she became involved with another man, and that 2 years ago you found pictures confirming a physical affair. And after that discovery you've discovered even more things like secret cell phones, online journals, etc. Is that correct? I just want to be sure all the timing of everything is clear. 

#1--Has she ended the affair? Or is she still in touch in any way with the other man (even "friendship" or "at work")?

You mention that you "...have researched, prayed, read, and know about the situation I'm in" and so I ask the second question. 

#2--Are you and your wife Christians, as in Believers? No I won't get all preachy but it could be relevant to you and your situation. 

In general, I would give you this observation as one who has "been there, done that"--going through a divorce is MUCH more costly than you might at first think. It does not "relieve" issues, and it creates many, many more. For example, chances are good that whether your wife has a FT job now or not, you'd end up with at least child support and possibly alimony payments. You would be lucky if you could keep half your earnings, and you'd have to live on that -AND- somehow have a place for your children. The best case scenario would be if you had 50/50 custody which means you no longer get to tuck your kids in at night at least half the time. Your parents, the children's grandparents, could lose touch with your children because your "ex" wouldn't make the effort to have them visit anymore. Your children could VERY well be used as pawns in an attempt to get more money...or be told AWFUL lies about you so they wouldn't want to be with you. She could wipe out your bank accounts, take all the furniture and the home in the divorce, and leave you in a one-bedroom on blowup furniture. She could falsely accuse you of sexually molesting your children or domestic violence, and if she makes just ONE phone call, the police will arrest you. 

And Senor, please do not think "Those things won't happen to me" because they have happened to me or I have known people they have happened to. If you think about it, I bet you have too. Now, considering THAT is the kind of devastation or loss you'd be looking at--does it really seem as if "elsewhere" is all that happy? Because it's not. Are you ready to spend years alone while you go to personal counseling so you don't make the same mistakes again? If not, you'll be having a rebound relationship and you tell me--how successful are rebounds? 

Do you see what I'm getting at here? Often when we are somewhat unhappy in our marriages, we think "Oh how wonderful it would be to be free and single again. NO responsibility! No constant work just to communicate! Freedom to be happy." Well Senor, our partners do not make us happy--happiness is a choice. You can decide to be happy no matter WHAT the circumstances, and in this instance, I would highly advise that both you and your wife seek out a marriage counselor or a coach to help you regain the love you once had and rebuild the trust so that you have a more likely environment for choosing to be happy with each other.


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