# Can my marriage be saved?



## alwaysbethankful (Dec 28, 2021)

I am a 26F and have been married less than 2 years. My marriage is already at its breaking point and I am afraid I can't save it, but I want to if there's a way - without ruining my life.

Important details:

1) I am married to a 33M who is a twin. His twin's wife and my husband briefly dated in highschool before they broke up and she ended up marrying the other twin. It's a weird situation. While my husband and I were dating, this twin's wife called me and told me she had been trying to scare me off because my now husband was her first love. Ever since then, I haven't had anything to do with her and have begged my husband to do the same. When I confronted her about this with both our husbands present, as well as some other awful things she's done, she denied all of it. Although I know he has no feelings for her, it still makes me uncomfortable for them to have conversation, be close to each other, etc. It genuinely makes me uncomfortable and I am currently in therapy for other things she's done. He has never stood up to her or protected me emotionally in this. He refuses to have boundaries with her and has never stood up to his twin either.

2) my husband secretly had a porn problem and I didn't find out until we were engaged. Although he promises me he's not doing this, he is adamant about me never having his password or ever getting to see what's on his computer. This makes me nervous and I struggle to not be fearful about what he's hiding. He believes that I should trust him enough if he says he's not doing anything. Throughout the entire relationship he has always been weird about his computer.

3) My husband does not report income on his taxes due to his difference in interpretation of the tax code. I was not told this until AFTER we were married. If he were unmarried, there would be a lot less people who could hurt from the consequences from this. However, because we ARE married, this means that we can never own property together, we can never have shared bank accounts or file taxes together, it means he technically can have any assets seized, credit card frozen and be taken to federal prison, and in general leaves me without any promise of financial security one would expect from another working partner. It has made me too scared to have kids knowing there could be a day that I have to raise them/financially support them on my own due to his choices. He has stated more than once that he would rather be single than stop doing his taxes this way. He also recently wired 20k without telling me and was angry after I found out - I mention this extra detail to show the level of comfort he has about _not_ telling me stuff. His parents have told him that there's no use stopping the tax stuff because it's "not going to solve the other problems" and they've said they trust him that he knows what he's doing.

Where we are now: these 3 issues have been constant for most of our relationship resulting in them getting larger, fights turning into screaming matches, broken relationships between our families, and me heavily considering divorce. He has told me that I am self-absorbed, that I stay traumatized (from the twin's wife) as a means to control him, and that if I'm not happy, _I_ have to be the one to walk away and that my unhappiness is _my_ problem, not his. I know that I am being gaslighted, possibly emotionally abused, and maybe even financially abused.

HOWEVER. I believe that one should give marriage all they've got before they walk away, and I am trying to do whatever I can to save this marriage. I have tried to get him to go marital counseling but he refuses unless we use his parents or other married siblings as counselors. I am not at all comfortable with that. If I have done wrong by wanting these things to change, someone please tell me. All I hear from him and his family is that I'm not mentally sound, I'm selfish and controlling, and that _I_ am the problem. I don't know what else to do.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I'm glad you're not trying to mix money with him. He sounds crooked from the get-go. It would be hard to find a reason to trust him. I don't really fault him for not letting you see his computer because I'm one of those people that would rather keep things private just to have a safe outlet where I can rant and rave. You have to believe that woman's husband his twin brother has his antenna up and is trying to monitor that situation. If you're uncomfortable on so many different levels and you have no influence over him, no I think you'd be justified in divorce.


----------



## alwaysbethankful (Dec 28, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm glad you're not trying to mix money with him. He sounds crooked from the get-go. It would be hard to find a reason to trust him. I don't really fault him for not letting you see his computer because I'm one of those people that would rather keep things private just to have a safe outlet where I can rant and rave. You have to believe that woman's husband his twin brother has his antenna up and is trying to monitor that situation. If you're uncomfortable on so many different levels and you have no influence over him, no I think you'd be justified in divorce.


It's not so much that I WANT to see what's on his computer, it's when he refuses to give me his password that causes distrust. I don't even put much thought into what's on there, day-to-day. I just want him to trust me enough to be transparent with me. With his past porn problem, I thought he would want to make sure he maintained my trust by not continuing to hide things but I guess not.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

alwaysbethankful said:


> It's not so much that I WANT to see what's on his computer, it's when he refuses to give me his password that causes distrust. I don't even put much thought into what's on there, day-to-day. I just want him to trust me enough to be transparent with me. With his past porn problem, I thought he would want to make sure he maintained my trust by not continuing to hide things but I guess not.


He hasn't quit porn, and since he has no ethics with money it's highly likely he has no ethics about cheating either.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, I don’t think your marriage can — or should — be saved. As long as you stay he’ll continue to play you. The sooner you get out the better.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Why did you start this exact same thread in another section of this forum?


----------



## alwaysbethankful (Dec 28, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Why did you start this exact same thread in another section of this forum?


I didn't realize that was against the rules at first and thought I had posted in a men's only section. I had wanted female perspective as well but then I realized the clubhouse forum isn't really male exclusive. Very new to this site 🙂


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Here's the link to the other thread Can my marriage be saved?

I'm closing this thread down, now.


----------

