# the partner count



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I left it with more than one option , the question is the famous how many sexual partners you and your partner have and if you think you have a right to know and if it has any impact on a relationship ,


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

when should you tell each other if you think it is important


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

A person's history defines that person and also predicts trends for that person's future. It is nonsensical to claim that history is in the past and I will never accept that premise. This holds true for everything from medical history, through criminal records and includes sexual history.

Both partners in a marriage must be aware of each other's history in all these regards before getting married.

If you don't know that something from your past or present may be a deal-breaker for your prospective partner, you don't know that person well enough to get married to him/her and you have no business marrying that person.

If you know that something from your past or present would be a deal-breaker for your prospective partner, and you hide it in order to marry that person, you are a despicable con-artist and you have no business marrying that person.

I for one would not enter into a serious relationship with a woman I consider to have ever been promiscuous and I have a standing list of criteria by which I judge promiscuity.

I don't care if a woman thinks that she has changed and her past promiscuity does not matter, it matters to me and I will not compromise on this principle.

Both myself and my wife know each other's sexual history and yes, I verify as far as able. She also knows that lying about one of my foundational criteria is a deal-breaker, for that reason should I find out it was a lie, on principle I would divorce.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

frenchpaddy said:


> when should you tell each other if you think it is important


Before engagement and definitely before marriage. I asked pertinent questions a couple of dates in already before there is too strong of an emotional connection established.


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

Maybe this question would work for someone younger but I can't imagine a date asking me how many partners i've had. That would be a deal killer for me. None of their business.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

...this old chestnut!


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

gold5932 said:


> Maybe this question would work for someone younger but I can't imagine a date asking me how many partners i've had. That would be a deal killer for me. None of their business.


I asked and those who didn't want to answer, didn't get another date. At that point, I didn't care if the question itself was a deal-breaker for them. Them not wanting to answer was a deal-breaker for me... NEXT.

ETA:

I only started to ask these questions after my divorce from my first wife (due to her infidelity). At this time I was in my 30's already. If I ever find myself single again, I fully intend to ask the hard questions about my foundational requirements including sexual history once more if I should ever decide to pursue marriage in that hypothetical future.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It would be a deal breaker if a guy refused the be open about his past life including his sex life. It's important to know you are on the same page about the important things in life if you are going to marry them. 
Refusing to be honest and open is a massive red flag to me, as I am a very honest and open person.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

frenchpaddy said:


> when should you tell each other if you think it is important


Pretty early on but definitely before moving in together or getting engaged. Also before sex.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> ...this old chestnut!


true but a lot of people seem to have taken over another topic with both sides of this one


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

frenchpaddy said:


> I left it with more than one option , the question is the famous how many sexual partners you and your partner have and if you think you have a right to know and if it has any impact on a relationship ,





frenchpaddy said:


> when should you tell each other if you think it is important


I don't think anyone has the right to know about someone's history, but they also don't have to stay with then if knowing is important. If either the number or lack of knowledge is a dealbreaker, that should be discussed long before engagement or marriage. 

I voted "they know your and you know theirs" but that not entirely true, depending on how you count it.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

gold5932 said:


> Maybe this question would work for someone younger but I can't imagine a date asking me how many partners i've had. That would be a deal killer for me. None of their business.


Then it is a good way to sort out compatibility. If you don't agree on something this important then you have a compatibility issue that can't be resolved.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

I have not had to deal with this issue for many, many years. I married my first and he said I was his but who knows if he was lying in retrospect. 
As someone who will eventually enter the dating world I absolutely would want to know. I’m not sure even what to expect as I am in my 50’s and I assume most men my age who are single have had many, many partners.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

This discussion is a whole lot easier when bother people have low numbers and/or very similar numbers.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> I have not had to deal with this issue for many, many years. I married my first and he said I was his but who knows if he was lying in retrospect.
> As someone who will eventually enter the dating world I absolutely would want to know. I’m not sure even what to expect as I am in my 50’s and I assume most men my age who are single have had many, many partners.


Not necessarily true if they were in long term relationships and recently split. I would be suspicious of a 50 year old that never had a significant LTR in their past.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Torninhalf said:


> I have not had to deal with this issue for many, many years. I married my first and he said I was his but who knows if he was lying in retrospect.
> As someone who will eventually enter the dating world I absolutely would want to know. I’m not sure even what to expect as I am in my 50’s and I assume most men my age who are single have had many, many partners.


No, the men you are looking for place a high value on sex and for the most part reserve it to express love in a committed relationship. They are not as few and far between as you might think.

I personally agree that I could not be with a person who values the gift of intercourse so little that they would hand it out like candy on a Halloween night just to get a bit of feel-good.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Not necessarily true if they were in long term relationships and recently split. I would be suspicious of a 50 year old that never had a significant LTR in their past.


So what would be an approximate partner for such a man in your estimation?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

while it is hard to know a person without know their past , 
just what should be told and what questions should not be asked
WE often find some people once the door is pushed a little they want to know every thing

questions like what is your type 
or size and if you came 

According to a 2020 survey from Lelo and OnePoll, the most uncomfortable topic for couples to talk about is their number of previous sexual partners. Of the 2,000 survey respondents currently in relationships, 40% hadn’t disclosed “their number,” and of the 58% who had, nearly half shared the information within the first three months of dating.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bobert said:


> I don't think anyone has the right to know about someone's history, but they also don't have to stay with then if knowing is important. If either the number or lack of knowledge is a dealbreaker, that should be discussed long before engagement or marriage.
> 
> I voted "they know your and you know theirs" but that not entirely true, depending on how you count it.


It's more than just knowing counts, but making sure you are on the same page as to how you see sex in a relationship generally. 
So talking about whether they think casual sex is ok, one stands, or whether they were in a serious relationship with those they had sex with etc.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Dictum Veritas said:


> No, the men you are looking for place a high value on sex and for the most part reserve it to express love in a committed relationship. They are not as few and far between as you might think.
> 
> I personally agree that I could not be with a person who values the gift of intercourse so little that they would hand like candy on a Halloween night just to get a bit of feel-good.


If and when I find myself in such a position to ask I am sure I will be taken aback by some numbers. Maybe the situation is not as extreme as I may believe.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> I have not had to deal with this issue for many, many years. I married my first and he said I was his but who knows if he was lying in retrospect.
> As someone who will eventually enter the dating world I absolutely would want to know. I’m not sure even what to expect as I am in my 50’s and I assume most men my age who are single have had many, many partners.


 I have told my wife she was the only woman I have been with and she thinks this is not true but she does not care if I had or not ,


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> So what would be an approximate partner for such a man in your estimation?


I'm not really sure how to answer that. There are so many possible scenarios. If he were in a 15-20 year LTR at some point I would expect it be be around the median, maybe 6. 

My opinion is going to be skewed though. As @Dictum Veritas said, I don't think sex is something to be given away freely, so I am going to be on the low side. That is something you should think seriously about personally before you start dating. What do you think is your comfort level?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Torninhalf said:


> I have not had to deal with this issue for many, many years. I married my first and he said I was his but who knows if he was lying in retrospect.
> As someone who will eventually enter the dating world I absolutely would want to know. I’m not sure even what to expect as I am in my 50’s and I assume most men my age who are single have had many, many partners.


Not always. If he had been in a v long marriage like you have it may even be only one or two.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I'm not really sure how to answer that. There are so many possible scenarios. If he were in a 15-20 year LTR at some point I would expect it be be around the median, maybe 6.
> 
> My opinion is going to be skewed though. As @Dictum Veritas said, I don't think sex is something to be given away freely, so I am going to be on the low side. That is something you should think seriously about personally before you start dating. What do you think is your comfort level?


6 is the median? That sounds off to me. I’ll have to ask my trusty friend google. 😂
I have no clue my comfort level to be honest because I don’t really know what would even be considered normal. 😂


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Yes, and one of us had more partners than choices in this poll, and one of us fewer.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I find my thoughts on this subject have changed very much over the years , 
AS I once would have thought none was the best , now i think more like what diana posted , 




Diana7 said:


> It's more than just knowing counts, but making sure you are on the same page as to how you see sex in a relationship generally.
> So talking about whether they think casual sex is ok, one stands, or whether they were in a serious relationship with those they had sex with etc.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Torninhalf said:


> If and when I find myself in such a position to ask I am sure I will be taken aback by some numbers. Maybe the situation is not as extreme as I may believe.


Depends on the guy


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> I have told my wife she was the only woman I have been with and she thinks this is not true but she does not care if I had or not ,


My wife knows she is my only one, no doubt in her mind. I mean we started having sex when I was 16, so hard to have much experience prior. This is interesting thought to me though. I've never asked her if it would have mattered her. It would be all theoretical, but I doubt she would care. At least not now, maybe back then. Not sure how it came up, but a long time ago I asked her if her ex-fiancé was a virgin when they started dating and she said she didn't know. Not sure if that is because she didn't care, wasn't mature enough to think about the implication of partner history, or didn't want to tell me.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Torninhalf said:


> If and when I find myself in such a position to ask I am sure I will be taken aback by some numbers. Maybe the situation is not as extreme as I may believe.


It is really about what you are willing to accept. The perception of who is promiscuous is not tied to a number alone, but also the context of how they view sex. If it was sex with a potential partner or simply a one night-stand for a feel good, makes a huge difference as well.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> 6 is the median? That sounds off to me. I’ll have to ask my trusty friend google. 😂
> I have no clue my comfort level to be honest because I don’t really know what would even be considered normal. 😂


Search around. 6 is around the median for men born in the 80's, so a 50 year old is going back a little further. I don't know if more time means more partners. Since older generations also had different views on sex they may have been influenced to not have lots of sexual partners.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Torninhalf said:


> If and when I find myself in such a position to ask I am sure I will be taken aback by some numbers. Maybe the situation is not as extreme as I may believe.


I was probably pretty unusual in meeting my now husband in our late 40's and he had only had sex with his former wife of 23 years.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Dictum Veritas said:


> It is really about what you are willing to accept. The perception of who is promiscuous is not tied to a number alone, but also the context of how they view sex. If it was sex with a potential partner or simply a one night-stand for a feel good, makes a huge difference as well.


All in all I can’t even imagine having such a conversation. I also think I will be lied too given my circumstance. Who is going to want to say their real number knowing mine? 😂


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Dictum Veritas said:


> It is really about what you are willing to accept. The perception of who is promiscuous is not tied to a number alone, but also the context of how they view sex. If it was sex with a potential partner or simply a one night-stand for a feel good, makes a huge difference as well.


Very true, that is why I really couldn't answer her question. A 50 year old that was married 10 years then had several 2+ year LTRs with a count of say 10 is a lot different than married 25 years, then in the past couple years has had 10 more partners. 

The raw number isn't the only thing to consider. Which again, is why having these discussions is important in find compatibility. May not be an easy conversation, but one that must happen IMO.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Search around. 6 is around the median for men born in the 80's, so a 50 year old is going back a little further. I don't know if more time means more partners. Since older generations also had different views on sex they may have been influenced to not have lots of sexual partners.


Well I was born in the 60’s. 😂 A product of the 80’s. I think that number will be much higher than 6. 🤷🏼‍♀️


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

so a i from the 60 and still on my first , lol


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Batman and I didn't ask each others count, yet as we met young, we discussed early on where we were at. Basically I was still a virgin and wasn't down with casual sex. I'm not religious and wasn't waiting for marriage, more just for someone that I cared for deeply and vice verse. Through those early conversations, I inadvertently learned about his sexual history, or at least, I'd say a solid-rough idea; yet I can't say that it was important to me to know.

Culturally, I was an anomaly among my peers, and a few jovially expressed confusion as to why I wasn't just having and enjoying casual sex (especially through the club/music scene which was a significant part of my life). Anyway, I chose not to.

If I found myself in some alternate universe, I really don't know about navigating this. Hypothetically, I'd be more inclined to not want to know someone's count, and therefore not ask. I think I'd be more focused on other aspects.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

what happens between two connecting adults is just between them , and I feel some people Use the word SLU_ or Whor_ when talking about a woman even often 
when that woman has a lower number them themselves I WAS SHOCKED when I found that some posters used these words on another topic here today without know much about the said poster ,


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

I'm more worried about the history more than the count. If we're talking about a potential LTR things like parental relationships, past marriages, etc...


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Al_Bundy said:


> I'm more worried about the history more than the count. If we're talking about a potential LTR things like parental relationships, past marriages, etc...


As in all things, context matters.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I began dating my now-husband when I was 38 and he was 46. We'd both been married before and had also both dated others while not married. I have no idea of his "count", nor does he know mine. Neither of us asked or volunteered the information and it doesn't seem to have been vitally important to either of us. 

BTW, my count is fairly low - at 4 - while I would assume his is higher than that. We were both able to present clean STD tests before we became intimate and we appear to be sexually compatible now. I don't think either of us have really given it all that much thought, to be honest.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

In my limited experience on OLD of about 3 months, I had 4 sexual partners. What I found was women in their 40’s and 50’s were much more eager to give it up. Even NSA sex. Then I got into a year long LTR so, obviously, my number stopped there. I wouldn’t be surprised to see divorced single people in their 50’s with notch counts in the 30’s, 40’s or even 50’s, especially if they’ve been divorced 10 years or longer.

Sex is far less of a bigger deal to most as we get older. We are smarter with sex, precautions, most guys have had their vasectomies and STD tests.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

RebuildingMe said:


> In my limited experience on OLD of about 3 months, I had 4 sexual partners. What I found was women in their 40’s and 50’s were much more eager to give it up. Even NSA sex. Then I got into a year long LTR so, obviously, my number stopped there. I wouldn’t be surprised to see divorced single people in their 50’s with notch counts in the 30’s, 40’s or even 50’s, especially if they’ve been divorced 10 years or longer.


That’s kinda more along the lines of what I was thinking. 😳🤷🏼‍♀️


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Torninhalf said:


> That’s kinda more along the lines of what I was thinking. 😳🤷🏼‍♀️


Sorry, I edited my post to add the last paragraph and I hit post too soon.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Well I was born in the 60’s. 😂 A product of the 80’s. I think that number will be much higher than 6. 🤷🏼‍♀️


If you are okay with that, it is all that matters.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Torninhalf said:


> That’s kinda more along the lines of what I was thinking. 😳🤷🏼‍♀️


Yeah, I don't think that's out of the ordinary with people I know that did online dating.

There's always exceptions though, and a few others did not have casual sex post-divorce.

Personally, I think the more important focus ought to be... can they cook?


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

heartsbeating said:


> Yeah, I don't think that's out of the ordinary with people I know that did online dating.
> 
> There's always exceptions though, and a few others did not have casual sex post-divorce.
> 
> Personally, I think the more important focus ought to be... can they cook?


😂 Good point!


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I never asked. I met her (before me) ex boyfriend once and told her if I see him again she doesn’t see me, then I never saw him again. 

I may have accidentally also told him that if I saw him at her house again I would smash his stupid face into the concrete. My (later) MIL was there for that one she laughed out loud.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

heartsbeating said:


> Personally, I think the more important focus ought to be... can they cook?


Like sword fish kebab. We already had chemistry in the bedroom, I think the chemistry in the kitchen sealed the deal.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

I think this is a question that has different answers based on life stages. 

For a young man, say 28-36, who is looking for a woman to raise a family with (say 24-28) then count absolutely matters. This young man is looking for the mother of his future children. He is looking for a young woman in the prime of her beauty/fertility who is ready to begin a family. Party girls need not apply. Single moms with 3 kids by 3 baby-daddies shouldn't even be on the radar. Any sexual history that might cause him to question future paternity should be found out. Likewise, her sexual past especially today may have artifacts that would be inconvenient in the future. Pictures, videos, FansOfOnly - all could be awkward in the future. He shouldn't ever be placed in the situation of explaining to his third grade daughter why jimmy's dad saw naughty pics of mommy. Nor should he be surprised 10 years down the road with a knock on the door by a teenager who just tracked down his birth mother. So while vetting her for suitability for marriage, he is well served to know her sexual past.

Older men have probably passed that life stage, they are almost certainly divorced with children of their own. They aren't looking for a woman to build a life with. They are looking for a woman to enjoy the life he has already built. For him, sexual history is probably not as important as other bits of history. Certainly longest LTR, number of LTRs is more important to know that raw count.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

gold5932 said:


> Maybe this question would work for someone younger but I can't imagine a date asking me how many partners i've had. That would be a deal killer for me. None of their business.


Agree, this applied mostly to <40, I'd say. Maybe even <35. 

But in my 20s, I'd want to know for sure.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

DownButNotOut said:


> I think this is a question that has different answers based on life stages.
> 
> For a young man, say 28-36, who is looking for a woman to raise a family with (say 24-28) then count absolutely matters. This young man is looking for the mother of his future children. He is looking for a young woman in the prime of her beauty/fertility who is ready to begin a family. Party girls need not apply. Single moms with 3 kids by 3 baby-daddies shouldn't even be on the radar. Any sexual history that might cause him to question future paternity should be found out. Likewise, her sexual past especially today may have artifacts that would be inconvenient in the future. Pictures, videos, FansOfOnly - all could be awkward in the future. He shouldn't ever be placed in the situation of explaining to his third grade daughter why jimmy's dad saw naughty pics of mommy. Nor should he be surprised 10 years down the road with a knock on the door by a teenager who just tracked down his birth mother. So while vetting her for suitability for marriage, he is well served to know her sexual past.
> 
> Older men have probably passed that life stage, they are almost certainly divorced with children of their own. They aren't looking for a woman to build a life with. They are looking for a woman to enjoy the life he has already built. For him, sexual history is probably not as important as other bits of history. Certainly longest LTR, number of LTRs is more important to know that raw count.


I'd like to talk to that young man, age 28-36. I just need an hour with him.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

Torninhalf said:


> So what would be an approximate partner for such a man in your estimation?





Diana7 said:


> Not always. If he had been in a v long marriage like you have it may even be only one or two.


I'll be 44 in a couple months. My count is 1. I've been talking to someone recently and we seem to be getting along well so I might be up to 2 by then.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

heartsbeating said:


> Personally, I think the more important focus ought to be... can they cook?


I would like to create a new theory. I bet those that know how to cook have very low partner counts. And those that do not know how to cook have very high partner counts. 

I have never done online dating but occasionally I will scroll past someone's post about the incredible meals that they enjoy preparing... and I'm like %^&*@ I would hit that if I was single without even knowing what the person looks like! 

There was an episode of Married with Children where Peggy realized that the only thing someone needed to do to steal her husband would be to cook him a cheeseburger, and it wouldn't even need to be that good because she never cooked anything for him in the entire marriage. 

LOL


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

gold5932 said:


> Maybe this question would work for someone younger but I can't imagine a date asking me how many partners i've had. That would be a deal killer for me. None of their business.


I think it probably does matter more when people are younger.

And I agree that it isn’t necessarily a date’s business if you don’t want to share. It becomes his business (if he cares) when moving to a committed relationship.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

badsanta said:


> I would like to create a new theory. I bet those that know how to cook have very low partner counts. And those that do not know how to cook have very high partner counts.
> 
> I have never done online dating but occasionally I will scroll past someone's post about the incredible meals that they enjoy preparing... and I'm like %^&*@ I would hit that if I was single without even knowing what the person looks like!
> 
> ...


New dating strategy if the current person doesn't work out. I'll replace pictures of me with some of the dishes I do well complete with some funny captions. Examples:

Picture of thanksgiving with the caption "When we're done we'll both need a nap."

Picture of cheesecake with the caption "I bet I can make your eyes to roll back in your head."

Picture of chili with the caption "I'm so hot I'll make you sweat"

Picture of cinnamon buns with the caption "Both good AND naughty"

Picture of steak or salmon with the caption "Stop looking at me like a piece of meat....wait nevermind."

Caveat: I don't know if this would work as well for men as it might for women.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Well I was born in the 60’s. 😂 A product of the 80’s. I think that number will be much higher than 6. 🤷🏼‍♀️


Yeah, same. 60s, and product of the 80s.

The 80s were great in so many ways, as a slice in time.

Sorry for the TJ.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> So what would be an approximate partner for such a man in your estimation?


Now we're getting to the rat killin'.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> 6 is the median? That sounds off to me. I’ll have to ask my trusty friend google. 😂
> I have no clue my comfort level to be honest because I don’t really know what would even be considered normal. 😂


It seems low, but maybe I'm wrong. I and some friends I've known forever had more than that while in our teens.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

RebuildingMe said:


> In my limited experience on OLD of about 3 months, I had 4 sexual partners. What I found was women in their 40’s and 50’s were much more eager to give it up. Even NSA sex. Then I got into a year long LTR so, obviously, my number stopped there. I wouldn’t be surprised to see divorced single people in their 50’s with notch counts in the 30’s, 40’s or even 50’s, especially if they’ve been divorced 10 years or longer.
> 
> Sex is far less of a bigger deal to most as we get older. We are smarter with sex, precautions, most guys have had their vasectomies and STD tests.


I agree. In between marriages, I had more sexual partners than in my teens and 20s.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I agree. In between marriages, I had more sexual partners than in my teens and 20s.


From my experience the single women get friskier and more open and casual with sex as they age. Married women close down shop to focus on motherhood. I am so happy to be dating at an age where I no longer have to worry about procreation messing up a good thing.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Hiner112 said:


> Caveat: I don't know if this would work as well for men as it might for women.


I have heard that some women join online dating sites and agree to go out with someone solely on the basis that they are hungry and want to dine out somewhere nice! 

So I think if some dude removed his selfie on a dating platform and placed a photo of some well seasoned and flame grilled shrimp kabobs dripping in butter that he would be overwhelmed with both women and men wanting a date. As a result he could be choosy about who wins the shrimp dinner based on their attributes. 

I know absolutely nothing about online dating other than reading news articles and hearing gossip from friends, so I have no idea if it would work.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

In sharing a conversation around different religions and a brief critical analysis around the framework of 'rules', led me to kinda bringing up this topic. It's not something we've discussed in MANY years. Essentially it wasn't important to him whether he was my first, or whether I'd had sexual relationships before him, and I was reminded that was the sentiment felt back then. His past wasn't of particular importance to me either. What was important was how we navigated as a couple.

Out of interest, I asked how he would have felt if I had wanted to wait for marriage before having sex (although I didn't - actually did not anticipate getting married!). Anyway, he replied that would have been a hard no. Short discussion on what shaped my views of sex back then; essentially needing to feel trust, and to care for the person and them give a damn about me in return. He replied 'You chose well'.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

badsanta said:


> I would like to create a new theory. I bet those that know how to cook have very low partner counts. And those that do not know how to cook have very high partner counts.
> 
> I have never done online dating but occasionally I will scroll past someone's post about the incredible meals that they enjoy preparing... and I'm like %^&*@ I would hit that if I was single without even knowing what the person looks like!
> 
> ...


What is the thought behind your new theory?

Asking as someone who doesn't / rarely cooks. 

Batman is the main provider of cooked meals. Among our early dates he invited me to his flat and cooked for me. Be still my beating heart  ...the frozen meal I prepared for him didn't have quite the same impact, despite getting the crispy bits just right.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Hiner112 said:


> Picture of cinnamon buns with the caption "Both good AND naughty"
> 
> Caveat: I don't know if this would work as well for men as it might for women.


 funny post... and needs to be tried!


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

My ex husband and I met young and were together a total of 23 years. We never discussed number of sexual partners. We did discuss previous long term relationships, specifically what was good about them and what went wrong. I didn't want to repeat the same mistakes again. 

I don't engage in casual sex but since my divorce (close to 3 years ago), I have yet to have anyone ask me how many sexual partners I've had. Actually the most popular question I've been asked is "have you had a serious relationship since your divorce?". Apparently answering 'No' in my mid 40s is the equivalent of a 25 year old woman saying she's had 50 sexual partners. 🤔


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

heartsbeating said:


> What is the thought behind your new theory?
> 
> Asking as someone who doesn't / rarely cooks.
> 
> Batman is the main provider of cooked meals. Among our early dates he invited me to his flat and cooked for me. Be still my beating heart  ...the frozen meal I prepared for him didn't have quite the same impact, despite getting the crispy bits just right.


I would bet the thought that those that have a marketable skill like cooking get snapped up and have a lot less relationship churn.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Hiner112 said:


> I would bet the thought that those that have a marketable skill like cooking get snapped up and have a lot less relationship churn.


I'm slapping my own forehead... thanks for explaining that likely thought process!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

ccpowerslave said:


> I never asked. I met her (before me) ex boyfriend once and told her if I see him again she doesn’t see me, then I never saw him again.
> 
> I may have accidentally also told him that if I saw him at her house again I would smash his stupid face into the concrete. My (later) MIL was there for that one she laughed out loud.




I do wonder if that's the kind of thing Batman said to a guy positioning himself as an admirer of sorts. He would dedicate messages about liking my (so called) sexy voice and hoping he'd see me at the record store. I'd never spoken to the guy, or knew who he was. However, Batman and his friend were at the record store one day, and the guy happened to be there asking after me. When relaying to me they'd ensured he'd stop pursuing me, Batman and his friend were chuckling between themselves. They were strangely coy about it, almost mischievous, and wouldn't share what happened. And I never heard a peep from the guy again. In recent years that memory came back to me, so I asked Batman 'What _really_ did happen?' ...and he still wasn't forthcoming... he did reveal they didn't fight, but a 'stern' conversation occurred. Whatever that means!


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Lila said:


> My ex husband and I met young and were together a total of 23 years. We never discussed number of sexual partners. We did discuss previous long term relationships, specifically what was good about them and what went wrong. I didn't want to repeat the same mistakes again.
> 
> I don't engage in casual sex but since my divorce (close to 3 years ago), I have yet to have anyone ask me how many sexual partners I've had. Actually the most popular question I've been asked is "have you had a serious relationship since your divorce?". Apparently answering 'No' in my mid 40s is the equivalent of a 25 year old woman saying she's had 50 sexual partners. 🤔


Of course. You can’t get serious with anyone. You will always find a flaw. Unable to commit. People, who are in tune, will see that within 30 minutes.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

heartsbeating said:


> I do wonder if that's the kind of thing Batman said to a guy positioning himself as an admirer of sorts.


Probably did. This guy rolled up on his motorcycle and took his helmet off and I was like nope. I mean I checked first with my girlfriend and she said she didn’t want him around. He went from looking pretty happy to leaving pretty fast. I’m really nice too I don’t know what happened 😈


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I agree. In between marriages, I had more sexual partners than in my teens and 20s.


As this is discussed more it does make a lot of sense that partner count is probably a lot more relevant to young, never married people that are looking for a LTR. And if you are a 20 year old with a high partner count that indicated something completely different than a high partner count for a 50 year old. 

And to your point, once you've been having sex for 20+ years I would imagine you are a lot more confident than when you first started having sex. Having all the stick time under your belt makes a big difference


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Believe me, if you are older, single and the potential mate is *not* asking you about your notch count (I hate body count, sounds like a serial killer), he is NOT interested in a LTR. He’s just looking to bed you.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

RebuildingMe said:


> (I hate body count, sounds like a serial killer)


 ...agreed!


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

bobert said:


> I voted "they know your and you know theirs" but that not entirely true, depending on how you count it.


Are you talking about one of you being dishonest? Or gray areas about what counts (The old "Eatin' ain't cheatin'" philosophy)?



BigDaddyNY said:


> This discussion is a whole lot easier when bother people have low numbers and/or very similar numbers.


I'm going to have to disagree with this. My ex-wife & I had very similar numbers, but hers was higher. That should have been a deal breaker for me. I'm still wondering why I married her.



Torninhalf said:


> Well I was born in the 60’s. 😂 A product of the 80’s. I think that number will be much higher than 6. 🤷🏼‍♀️


Much higher, indeed. The late 70's & 80's were gooood times.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> If and when I find myself in such a position to ask I am sure I will be taken aback by some numbers. Maybe the situation is not as extreme as I may believe.


I think it is going to depend on your area and the general value system of the people around you. Maybe there are many around you that are similar? Lower body counts due to long term relationships. It is interesting looking at just TAM members alone... I wasn't expecting this community as a whole having such low counts, let alone the large number of people here that are "one and onlys" - which would also include myself in that group. I have pondered what that would be like? What if some life changing event happened and I was no longer married? Going on a first date and being asked my body count at 42. One. I've had one since 2001. 

It'd be cool if there was some sort of meet and greet setup for the single TAM members. We just need some teleportation tech.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

badsanta said:


> I have heard that some women join online dating sites and agree to go out with someone solely on the basis that they are hungry and want to dine out somewhere nice!
> 
> So I think if some dude removed his selfie on a dating platform and placed a photo of some well seasoned and flame grilled shrimp kabobs dripping in butter that he would be overwhelmed with both women and men wanting a date. As a result he could be choosy about who wins the shrimp dinner based on their attributes.
> 
> I know absolutely nothing about online dating other than reading news articles and hearing gossip from friends, so I have no idea if it would work.


god this brings me back to when I was young and there was a few people talking about the rules of life at the time or before then 

it went a little like the man paid for tickets to an event because it cost the woman more to buy the dress ( at that time a dress did cost more than many dresses that you see now )

the man walked on the outside of the footpath to protect his date 

the man turned up early for a date / even if the woman was never on time 

you only let a man pay for dinner if you were going to sleep with him or going to at least enter into a committed relationship with them 

there was many other rules many seem to have gone and in some ways the good thing about the rules was people know where they stand


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Noman said:


> Are you talking about one of you being dishonest? Or gray areas about what counts (The old "Eatin' ain't cheatin'" philosophy)?


When someone asks how many people I've "slept with", I think PIV - not oral only partners. So my answer was based on that opinion, which wasn't mutual.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

bobert said:


> When someone asks how many people I've "slept with", I think PIV - not oral only partners. So my answer was based on that opinion, which wasn't mutual.


Yeah, there's a lot of room for interpretation there.

We need a point scale, something like:
0- He walked her to the door.
1- She gave him a peck on the cheek.
2- They kissed on the mouth.
3- Kiss on the mouth w/a little groping.
4. Groping with exposed flesh.
5. Grinding.
6. Both grinding.
7. Be handy!
8. Oral- one way.
9. Oral- both ways.
10- PIV, HOME RUN!!!!


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Noman said:


> Yeah, there's a lot of room for interpretation there.
> 
> We need a point scale, something like:
> 0- He walked her to the door.
> ...


this sounds like people out dating now need a app to keep track of who did what and with who they did it with 
when getting ready for a date you need to send full STI results tested 2 weeks before and not more that 4 month's old , 
contract outlining what is agreed to outlining what is ok and what is not ,
we might even need a independent person there to see that all sides stick to agreement ,


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

These two responses are contradict each other.



RebuildingMe said:


> Of course. You can’t get serious with anyone. You will always find a flaw. Unable to commit. People, who are in tune, will see that within 30 minutes.


This is what you responded to on my post stating that I haven't had anyone ask about by sexual partner count but I have had people ask if I have been involved in a serious relationship since my divorce.



RebuildingMe said:


> Believe me, if you are older, single and the potential mate is *not* asking you about your notch count (I hate body count, sounds like a serial killer), he is NOT interested in a LTR. He’s just looking to bed you.


So if they haven't asked about my sexual partner count why the hell are they using my lack of a serious relationship since my divorce against me?

I would find it a huge red flag if some 50 something year old asked me for my number of previous sex partners. Maybe it's me, but at this age there are so many other more important things to worry about. We would not be compatible if that was important to him at his age.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

RebuildingMe said:


> Of course. You can’t get serious with anyone. You will always find a flaw. Unable to commit. People, who are in tune, will see that within 30 minutes.


Hindsight is 20/20 and although it may seem in the moment that I find flaws with everyone, sooner or later I've learned that my red flag-o-meter has saved me from many bad situations (the stories I could tell). I will keep trusting my red flag-o-meter than look the other way on serious red flags. That's just me though. You are welcome to accept whatever comes your way. To each their own.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Lila said:


> Hindsight is 20/20 and although it may seem in the moment that I find flaws with everyone, sooner or later I've learned that my red flag-o-meter has saved me from many bad situations (the stories I could tell). I will keep trusting my red flag-o-meter than look the other way on serious red flags. That's just me though. You are welcome to accept whatever comes your way. To each their own.


in Relationships Hindsight is often not 20/20 but more 5 /15 people see better the reaction but forget what sparked it , not trying to get at you in any way , just stating 
what is often the case , 
The most important thing in having relationships is to learn from them and not make the same mistakes the next time around , and not fall into the one all men or all women are the same 
as another poster said there is no school for relationships , and growing up


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> I was probably pretty unusual in meeting my now husband in our late 40's and he had only had sex with his former wife of 23 years.


Kind of same here. Wife married HS Boyfriend at 17...he was serial cheater(musician..go figure) and divorced him at 27. Between her separation and meeting me she had 2 ONS out of anger at her STBX. She said she cried after both.
She met me and we started dating. I went with her to court date for divorce. 3 months later she moved in with me and 5 mo later married. That was 24 yrs ago and it is only getting better.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

frenchpaddy said:


> in Relationships Hindsight is often not 20/20 but more 5 /15 people see better the reaction but forget what sparked it , not trying to get at you in any way , just stating
> what is often the case ,
> The most important thing in having relationships is to learn from them and not make the same mistakes the next time around , and not fall into the one all men or all women are the same
> as another poster said there is no school for relationships , and growing up


You are describing what comes AFTER someone enters into a relationship. I have avoided getting into relationships with men who ping my red flag-o-meter. In most cases I found out later about secrets and serious flaws that were not evident in the first couple of dates. So yeah, in my case it WAS 20/20.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Lila said:


> You are describing what comes AFTER someone enters into a relationship. I have avoided getting into relationships with men who ping my red flag-o-meter. In most cases I found out later about secrets and serious flaws that were not evident in the first couple of dates. So yeah, in my case it WAS 20/20.


I will take your word on it , and like to take this time to say , there is no law saying everyone must get into a relationship , and we know well that half of marriages end in divorce but what we don't know is how many are only relationships in face , 

if you are happy as you are good , and if you ever happen to find that person worth you time I wish you well , too many go into marriage with their eyes closed 
if you have a high level to meet nothing wrong with that


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Hiner112 said:


> I would bet the thought that those that have a marketable skill like cooking get snapped up and have a lot less relationship churn.


Say man!
Hey baby!
I saw your wife the other day!
Yeah?
Yeah, an' she's ugly!
Yeah, she's ugly, but she sure can cook, baby!
Yeah, alright!


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

RebuildingMe said:


> Believe me, if you are older, single and the potential mate is *not* asking you about your notch count (I hate body count, sounds like a serial killer), he is NOT interested in a LTR. He’s just looking to bed you.


Interesting. When I was dating I declined to get involved with a number of men who were, either overtly or (at least they thought) covertly, trying to move in the direction of casual sex. I don't do NSA sex, and I'm not up for FWB. I like sex and I'm not a prude. I just much prefer to have sex within the context of a caring, exclusive and committed relationship.

But I never once had anyone ask me my notch count. Ever. Not when casually dating and not when getting into relationships.

I had two exclusive relationships of several month's duration that both ended for reasons other than sex. Meet the kids, lunch with the parents, hang out with the buddies, "this is my girlfriend, Rowan" type relationships. Now, I get that guys can and will fake an entire relationship just to get sex, but if those two guys were doing so, they were doing a really good job of it. If they weren't interested in a LTR, they were going to an awful lot of trouble to do a full-life-emersion con job just to bed me. Given that there are scads of women in my age range who are more than happy to offer casual sex, that seems...like a lot of unnecessary work they clearly wouldn't have had to do just to get laid. Neither ever asked or seemed the slightest bit curious about my sexual past.

Then I met my now-husband. He also didn't ask and did not - does not - seem to care what my "count" might have been. 

I really just never encountered middle-aged guys who were seemingly all that concerned about it. At least not enough to ask. They were interested in my relationship history - how long I'd been married, any serious relationships since divorce, why my previous relationships ended, etc.

So, I would rather say that if you're older, single and the potential mate is *not *asking about your notch count, he is _probably just not all that concerned about it_.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Lila said:


> My ex husband and I met young and were together a total of 23 years. We never discussed number of sexual partners. We did discuss previous long term relationships, specifically what was good about them and what went wrong. I didn't want to repeat the same mistakes again.
> 
> I don't engage in casual sex but since my divorce (close to 3 years ago), I have yet to have anyone ask me how many sexual partners I've had. Actually the most popular question I've been asked is "have you had a serious relationship since your divorce?". Apparently answering 'No' in my mid 40s is the equivalent of a 25 year old woman saying she's had 50 sexual partners. 🤔


Are you ready for me to take a stab at this? Not that you asked for opinions… welcome to the interwebz!

Not asking about how many sexual partners you have had could just equate with it’s not important to them.

Asking whether you have been in a relationship post-divorce, could be a number of reasons which I’d hazard a rookie guess could be determining how selective you are (and perhaps balanced with them determining their chances with you, or figuring out what they want themselves), or perhaps trying to size up if you might be ready and distanced enough from your last relationship, or maybe determining if they want to be the ‘first’ relationship you experience post-divorce… all guesses, potentially bad guesses at that.

You seem ro be wanting a deep, vulnerable, and meaningful connection. In my eyes, you’d be wise to continue paying attention to potential red-flags. You’re wise enough and ugly enough (not literally, just a saying) to have savvy about you. Hence, able to navigate based on what you want, and what you know about yourself and the world.

Here’s a rookie suggestion for you while I’m on a roll in this post. Next time you’re asked, sure answer openly along with the question back ‘Why do you ask?’ This may ignite further discussion and understanding.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Rowan said:


> Interesting. When I was dating I declined to get involved with a number of men who were, either overtly or (at least they thought) covertly, trying to move in the direction of casual sex. I don't do NSA sex, and I'm not up for FWB. I like sex and I'm not a prude. I just much prefer to have sex within the context of a caring, exclusive and committed relationship.
> 
> But I never once had anyone ask me my notch count. Ever. Not when casually dating and not when getting into relationships.
> 
> ...


Nah. Older men are experienced enough that they realize a "notch count" question will rarely be answered truthfully. So they instead ask about relationships, and infer the notch count from there. If he asked about relationship history, he's following the @RebuildingMe playbook. He's just not quite as in-your-face about it.


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## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

Does it matter to anyone not only how many partners but how often they had sex with that partner? Is there a difference between having one partner having had sex 300 times vs. 30 partners each having 1 -5 romps each? What about the type of things they did in the bedroom? How sexual where they with the other partners? Would there be anything left between you and her that the other hasn't done?


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Trustless Marriage said:


> Does it matter to anyone not only how many partners but how often they had sex with that partner? Is there a difference between having one partner having had sex 300 times vs. 30 partners each having 1 -5 romps each? What about the type of things they did in the bedroom? How sexual where they with the other partners? Would there be anything left between you and her that the other hasn't done?


The type of things they did might be helpful in case you wanted to be adventurous.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

DownButNotOut said:


> Nah. Older men are experienced enough that they realize a "notch count" question will rarely be answered truthfully. So they instead ask about relationships, and infer the notch count from there. If he asked about relationship history, he's following the @RebuildingMe playbook. He's just not quite as in-your-face about it.


Absolutely. My current gf of just over a year never gave me her notch count nor did I just come out and ask for it. After many thoughtful questions and insightful answers to those questions, I know that it somewhere around 10, with a margin for error of +/- 2, and that’s a safe zone for me. She is 49 years old and married once for 17 years. No infidelity in her marriage. She also went away for college, and that usually drives up the count.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Trustless Marriage said:


> Does it matter to anyone not only how many partners but how often they had sex with that partner? Is there a difference between having one partner having had sex 300 times vs. 30 partners each having 1 -5 romps each? What about the type of things they did in the bedroom? How sexual where they with the other partners? Would there be anything left between you and her that the other hasn't done?


All that matters to me in getting into a potential LTR. Say she doesn’t swallow, never tried anal (just two examples), you have to wonder how adventurous she’s going to be with you. If she has sex 200x a year with her ex, she probably likes sex. If 50x a year, not so much. You can figure this stuff out by asking the right questions at the right time.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Noman said:


> I'm going to have to disagree with this. My ex-wife & I had very similar numbers, but hers was higher. That should have been a deal breaker for me. I'm still wondering why I married her.


Since you have the benefit of hindsight, do you really think the number of partners was relevant to why she is now your ex? Seems a double standard to simply say her having a higher count than you is a deal breaker, especially since you also say your numbers were similar. I'm 1 and my wife is 3. So on one hand they are similar, only 2 difference, or you could look at it as 3x of mine. It didn't negatively affect our marriage.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Lila said:


> I would find it a huge red flag if some 50 something year old asked me for my number of previous sex partners. Maybe it's me, but at this age there are *so many other more important things to worry about*. We would not be compatible if that was important to him at his age.


Let me guess, like how much he makes? How long he’s been at his job? Does he own or rent? What kind of car does he drive? What his ex’s looked like?

You see, it goes both ways. Men want to know important information to weed out certain women and the same goes for women. Just different questions.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> god this brings me back to when I was young and there was a few people talking about the rules of life at the time or before then
> 
> it went a little like the man paid for tickets to an event because it cost the woman more to buy the dress ( at that time a dress did cost more than many dresses that you see now )
> 
> ...


This one made me laugh. I still make it a point to walk on the outside with my wife. At this point it is a bit of a running joke between us.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Noman said:


> Yeah, there's a lot of room for interpretation there.
> 
> We need a point scale, something like:
> 0- He walked her to the door.
> ...


I would personally call 8 and 9 an in the park home run!


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> this sounds like people out dating now need a app to keep track of who did what and with who they did it with
> when getting ready for a date you need to send full STI results tested 2 weeks before and not more that 4 month's old ,
> contract outlining what is agreed to outlining what is ok and what is not ,
> we might even need a independent person there to see that all sides stick to agreement ,


The is an App for that


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

RebuildingMe said:


> Believe me, if you are older, single and the potential mate is *not* asking you about your notch count (I hate body count, sounds like a serial killer), he is NOT interested in a LTR. He’s just looking to bed you.





RebuildingMe said:


> Absolutely. *My current gf of just over a year never gave me her notch count nor did I just come out and ask for it*. After many thoughtful questions and insightful answers to those questions, I know that it somewhere around 10, with a margin for error of +/- 2, and that’s a safe zone for me. She is 49 years old and married once for 17 years. No infidelity in her marriage. She also went away for college, and that usually drives up the count.



First, you said the a potential mate is not asking about your notch count, it means he isn't interested in a LTR. Then you said that you never asked your current LTR. If you didn't ask about notch count, does that mean you weren't interested in a LTR?

So, which is it? If he's not asking about notch count, he just wants a casual shag? Or if he's not asking about notch count, is he perhaps just using other questions to gauge compatibility?

That latter bit, by the way, is what _everyone_ does - or should be doing - when trying to determine if this prospect is perhaps a good fit for a LTR. On a wide range of topics. I'm not saying it's somehow unfair that this matters to some men, or that they shouldn't try to determine compatibility regarding sexuality with a prospective LTR. I'm just saying that I've never had a man ask directly what my "number" was, so that leads me to think that the actual concrete number can't have been all that important to them.

I'd be hella pissed if a guy didn't ask then wanted to get his ass on his shoulders later because I hadn't told him. Or started up with the "YoU LiEd tO mE" bs. If you want to know my "number" ask so we can both stop wasting our time. If you're good with knowing my relationship history and using that to gauge our relative compatibility, great.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Rowan said:


> First, you said the a potential mate is not asking about your notch count, it means he isn't interested in a LTR. Then you said that you never asked your current LTR. It sounds like you didn't ask about notch count. Does that mean you weren't interested in a LTR?
> 
> So, which is it? If he's not asking about notch count, he just wants a casual shag? Or if he's not asking about notch count, he's using other questions to gauge compatibility?
> 
> That latter bit, by the way, is what _everyone_ does - or should be doing - when trying to determine if this prospect is perhaps a good fit for a LTR. On a wide range of topics.


No, truth be told, I wasn’t looking for an LTR. She knows that. I knew I wasn’t divorced and knew I had a battle coming up. It would be unfair of me to drag someone else into that. She was okay with coming along for the ride, so it developed into one, and I’m happy that it did.

That being said, I did ask the questions I needed to ask to get the info I needed to get. There was one answer that didn’t sit well with me, and still doesn’t to this day, but I haven’t seen any evidence of this current behavior so I chalked it up to her being young and free before her marriage.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

heartsbeating said:


> ‘Why do you ask?’ This may ignite further discussion and understanding.



I usually go this route and their answer i usually very enlightening... To me. 😁


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

From my perspective, if any one over the age of 50 is asking about partner count then they are too immature to be married. Plus, they most likely have a ****ton of baggage. Next.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

heartsbeating said:


> Yeah, I don't think that's out of the ordinary with people I know that did online dating.
> 
> There's always exceptions though, and a few others did not have casual sex post-divorce.
> 
> Personally, I think the more important focus ought to be... can they cook?





Divinely Favored said:


> Kind of same here. Wife married HS Boyfriend at 17...he was serial cheater(musician..go figure) and divorced him at 27. Between her separation and meeting me she had 2 ONS out of anger at her STBX. She said she cried after both.
> She met me and we started dating. I went with her to court date for divorce. 3 months later she moved in with me and 5 mo later married. That was 24 yrs ago and it is only getting better.


He married his former wife at 25, they had met at 24. We met soon after his divorce.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> From my perspective, if any one over the age of 50 is asking about partner count then they are too immature to be married. Plus, they most likely have a ****ton of baggage. Next.


When we met in our late 40's we did of course talk about sex as well as other aspects of our lives. For us it was important that we were on the same page about the things that mattered to us including sex. Neither of was/is immature and we have a good marriage of 16 years now. Yes we did both have baggage due to things that had happened to us in our lives but part of a good marriage is accepting that and dealing with it together.
Not sure what is immature about being open and honest about our lives.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

RebuildingMe said:


> Let me guess, like how much he makes? How long he’s been at his job? Does he own or rent? What kind of car does he drive? What his ex’s looked like?
> 
> You see, it goes both ways. Men want to know important information to weed out certain women and the same goes for women. Just different questions.


I was going to suggest you spit that red pill back up before it poisons your mind but I think it's too late for that. 

If this is seriously what you believe then all I can assume is that you've been burned by the type of woman you're attracted to - those that make money and superficiality a priority. Maybe take off the blinders once in a while. Your pinpoint perspective might broaden a bit.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Many of the regulars here are familiar with my wife and I and our significant disparity in partner counts. Some of the things suggested here got me thinking again, in particular the idea of if the guy doesn't ask for a count, he's not interested in a relationship.

On the surface, that didn't seem to fit with my wife and I because it just flat out never occurred to me to ask for a partner count, and yet we ended up married. Then I really got to thinking about it, and our first conversations online, then our first meetings and such, I really was not looking for a relationship. Had no desire for a relationship. Nothing to do with her specifically, just more that I generally just wasn't looking for anything more than meeting people and dating.

In retrospect, my wife was actually looking for a long term partner and relationship, and she was the one who brought up partner count right from the get go. She did share things that it never would have occurred to me to even wonder about, let a lone ask about, and the closer we got, the more we hung out in her broader social circle, the more I learned. Aside from some initial shock at times, it wasn't really until I started considering a long term relationship that any of that really came into consideration for me. Some of it still doesn't sit well with me today, and likely never will, but on the whole it hasn't had much a negative impact.

To some of the more side points being discussed, partner count has not translated into skill on her part, but what her past strongly indicated to me was that sex is not strongly attached to love or feelings of connection, the emotional state of the relationship, or even her raw attraction to her partner. All of that suggested that of all of the things that could go wrong in a relationship, lack of sex would not be one of them.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> The is an App for that


tha will tell you how much I am out of date , my son is older than goggle


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Rowan said:


> First, you said the a potential mate is not asking about your notch count, it means he isn't interested in a LTR. Then you said that you never asked your current LTR. If you didn't ask about notch count, does that mean you weren't interested in a LTR?
> 
> So, which is it? If he's not asking about notch count, he just wants a casual shag? Or if he's not asking about notch count, is he perhaps just using other questions to gauge compatibility?
> 
> ...


I would think any one interested in their own health would like to have an idea if the person they are playing with is first free of STI 
the number game is dangerous as some think if you have been with many they might start charging parking fees 
others seem to think if he has a different woman every night he must be hot goods ,
so you get both sides


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Lila said:


> I was going to suggest you spit that red pill back up before it poisons your mind but I think it's too late for that.
> 
> If this is seriously what you believe then all I can assume is that you've been burned by the type of woman you're attracted to - those that make money and superficiality a priority. Maybe take off the blinders once in a while. Your pinpoint perspective might broaden a bit.


You can call it RP all you want, I call is self preservation and protection. Yes, I’ve been burned by marrying a woman with a high notch count. I speak from my own experiences. That will not happen again.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I was probably pretty unusual in meeting my now husband in our late 40's and he had only had sex with his former wife of 23 years.


I would think that a person who had been available for any length of time isnt likely to be celibate. Especially someone who had been in LTR with robust intimacy. 

Someone who has not been in LTR for long time is likely to have a high "number", maybe decided that LTR wasnt way to go anymore for them.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rus47 said:


> I would think that a person who had been available for any length of time isnt likely to be celibate. Especially someone who had been in LTR with robust intimacy.
> 
> Someone who has not been in LTR for long time is likely to have a high "number", maybe decided that LTR wasnt way to go anymore for them.


He was celibate till 25. Out of choice not lack of opportunity. I was the same for 6 years after my marriage ended, till I married my now husband.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> He was celibate till 25. Out of choice not lack of opportunity. I was the same for 6 years after my marriage ended, till I married my now husband.


Everyone different, but to me that seems unusual. Even at my advanced age, were my wife to go before me have no idea how could cope. Proly different for males vs females.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

RebuildingMe said:


> You can call it RP all you want, I call is self preservation and protection. Yes, I’ve been burned by marrying a woman with a high notch count. I speak from my own experiences. That will not happen again.


You are welcome to choose whomever you like. She could be mother Teresa personified or the ***** of babylon. I don't care about your choices but you seem to care about mine. Reminder.... I did not initiate the critique of your preferences or your life however you chose to critique mine.


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