# Pregnant and thinking of divorce



## Viv-sunrise (May 20, 2016)

I have been married for 8 years to someone who I don't think think I have much in common with. We argue about 80% of the time we're together. Somehow it's always me because he's such a great guy and I'm always wanting to fight. I am always angry. Well, now I'm 5 months pregnant and I can't take it anymore. I'm depressed and every time he gets home my anxiety level rises. I'm trying to be the good Christian wife, and sticking to my promise, but I just can't see myself raising my son around this man. I can't go to anyone we know for advice. I just want to leave, but I feel stuck. Is it just my hormones as he's always telling me?


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

What do you argue about?


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## Viv-sunrise (May 20, 2016)

Anything from him always keeping the blinds closed, to me being too tired to cook every day, the dog's haircut, why I don't want his grandmother who is 90 to care for our baby when I go back to work, me wanting to be close to my family (they are all 5 hours away. I only have him down here) no pregnancy pictures, and that's just this week.


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

How long have you been arguing like this?


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## Viv-sunrise (May 20, 2016)

About 3 years. I left him once and took him back because I was made to feel like I was the one who was wrong for abandoning him when he was at a low point. This past year had been very stressful. An ectopic pregnancy and then a miscarriage put us both at our wits end. But now I'm just unhappy all the time and this is not good for the baby.


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

What led to you leaving him three years ago? Same issues or different ones?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Here's an article you might find interesting:
https://cryingoutforjustice.com/2013/10/24/god-hates-divorce-not-always/

Don't make your marriage an idol. Being a "good Christian wife" means following Jesus. It doesn't mean surrendering to you husband's will. The church has submission all mixed up.


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## Viv-sunrise (May 20, 2016)

He had personal issues after his mom died. He wasn't working, leaving me with all the responsibilities. I told him that he needed to man up or I would leave. He didn't believe me and laughed. I waited until a Saturday I knew he was going to be out with his friends, packed up as much as I could, and moved into a hotel.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Had to rewrite my post. So you left him before but you are only considering doing it now? Can you just take a week away to your families place and decompress so you can gather your thoughts. Pregnancy hormones can do a number on some women. I don't think you want to do something that after the pregnancy you think to yourself what have I done.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Do you have family that would take you in so you could have some time to think things thru?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I think you need to get to the bottom of your anger. If it is due to some problem that you have, then you want to resolve that I assume. If it's due to him mistreating you, that also needs to be resolved. Do you understand why you are angry?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Viv-sunrise said:


> I have been married for 8 years to someone who I don't think think I have much in common with. We argue about 80% of the time we're together. Somehow it's always me because he's such a great guy and I'm always wanting to fight. I am always angry. Well, now I'm 5 months pregnant and I can't take it anymore. I'm depressed and every time he gets home my anxiety level rises. I'm trying to be the good Christian wife, and sticking to my promise, but I just can't see myself raising my son around this man. I can't go to anyone we know for advice. I just want to leave, but I feel stuck. Is it just my hormones as he's always telling me?


Why did the 2 of you marry... was it EVER "good"? Sounds like he got depressed after his mom died, checked out.. you almost left or did.. this put some fire under him to get his act together, back to work... then this past year.. it's been really rough/ emotional... with loosing a baby, an ectopic.. you conceived & it's all coming to fruition.. things are looking UP...but you're still very DOWN.. 

You mentioned being a good Christian wife.. is HE a Christian?.. what does he do NOW that is causing you anxiety, anger specifically.. what issues are driving you apart ?

Part of it surely is Pregnancy hormones, you probably aren't feeling good to begin with.... but adding the marital discord isn't helping either.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Viv-sunrise said:


> Anything from him always keeping the blinds closed, to me being too tired to cook every day, the dog's haircut, why I don't want his grandmother who is 90 to care for our baby when I go back to work, me wanting to be close to my family (they are all 5 hours away. I only have him down here) no pregnancy pictures, and that's just this week.


Ever heard of the saying "pick your battles"? Why are you fighting over closed blinds? Does it really matter that much? 

I would look into information on how to 'fight fair' that both of you should read. It sounds like you are at each other all the time over the most minuscule things. Why not let some of it go? 



Viv-sunrise said:


> About 3 years. I left him once and took him back because I was made to feel like I was the one who was wrong for abandoning him when he was at a low point. This past year had been very stressful. An ectopic pregnancy and then a miscarriage put us both at our wits end. But now I'm just unhappy all the time and this is not good for the baby.


You've been through a lot. An ectopic pregnancy, miscarriage, trying to get pregnant, etc. It's a huge emotional roller coaster ride. Have you talked to anyone about it? Been to therapy?


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## Viv-sunrise (May 20, 2016)

They are all across the state. Only his family is nearby. Unfortunately I can't work from home, otherwise I would go to my brother's. I though long and hard last night and maybe I need to do a "marriage" intervention. If someone else can listen to both of us and let us both know where we are wrong, that might help. I can't tell him anything because he laughs at my concerns dismisses it, and I won't listen to him because he says things in such a mean way that I prefer to walk away and not hear it. I can't say it will repair anything, but I need to decide on what is best for my baby.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I don't know what's going on in your marriage, so I certainly don't want to encourage you to divorce your husband. But you do need to get to the bottom of what's going on. You haven't really told us much, except it sounds like your husband doesn't listen to you or care about your opinion. I would recommend that you read the site I linked to above and see if your husband meets the description of an abusive husband. It is a Christian site. Their teachings are sound.

Educate yourself and make changes necessary to better yourself and grow in your walk with Christ. There are a lot of good books out there than can be of great help to you in better understanding the dynamic of what is going on in your marriage and what to do about it.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Viv-sunrise said:


> Is it just my hormones as he's always telling me?


Pesky hormones...

If it is any consolation, he put them there and they will soon pop out, run all around the house, crawl through the cabinets, climb all over the furniture, and eat any and all of his candy that they can find for about the next 18 years. 




























If you are still together by then and he gets frustrated, tell him it is *HIS HORMONES* that caused all this!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Viv-sunrise (May 20, 2016)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Viv-sunrise said:
> 
> 
> > I have been married for 8 years to someone who I don't think think I have much in common with. We argue about 80% of the time we're together. Somehow it's always me because he's such a great guy and I'm always wanting to fight. I am always angry. Well, now I'm 5 months pregnant and I can't take it anymore. I'm depressed and every time he gets home my anxiety level rises. I'm trying to be the good Christian wife, and sticking to my promise, but I just can't see myself raising my son around this man. I can't go to anyone we know for advice. I just want to leave, but I feel stuck. Is it just my hormones as he's always telling me?
> ...


He is what I would call a blind Christian. He can quickly point out anyone he feels is not following the Word, but is never responsible for his own shortcomings. There is always the response of "that is the enemy putting that in your head" sometimes I think he is the enemy.

Lately there's been a lot of little things that just pile up because I don't want to argue any more. Because im pregnant, and high risk, I need a little more support. I need to be dropped off at the entrance, not walk through a large parking lot. If i am worried about the baby dont tell me im vrazy and laugh. Maybe I'm just asking for too much. But it's little things like that, that make me really unhappy.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Does he go with you to doctors appointments?

A lot of men don't completely understand pregnancy and all that it entails, especially for a high risk pregnancy. Having him go to the appointments, ask questions, and hear from the doctor about what it is that is going on can be very beneficial for him. I don't necessarily fault him for not knowing. Your experience through all of this and his are very different. You'll also be more attached to this baby before he does. It's all normal to have it be that way. You can't expect him to know or feel exactly as you do.


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## Viv-sunrise (May 20, 2016)

I think my anger stems mainly from being disregarded. My opinions don't count and if I complain about anything I'm playing a victim. I grew up in a strong female household. I took care of everything and crying was a sign of weakness. I try to never cry in front of him. I would rather blown up and throw a fit and walk away.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

This has nothing to do with being a Christian. It's about you, for whatever reason, not believing you are worth enough to stand up for yourself.

The ONLY thing that will ever fix this marriage is if YOU start going to therapy every single week.

I'm serious. 

The missing ingredient here is your understanding that you have as much right to be right, to be important, to make decisions, as he does.

Only therapy is going to give you that.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

turnera said:


> This has nothing to do with being a Christian. It's about you, for whatever reason, not believing you are worth enough to stand up for yourself.
> 
> The ONLY thing that will ever fix this marriage is if YOU start going to therapy every single week.
> 
> ...


Unfortunately it does have something to do with being a Christian. Most churches base their doctrines regarding marriage on man made rules and cultural ideas rather than on what the Bible really says. This tends to keep women especially in marriages that are abusive rather than helping them to deal with the offender appropriately, which is what the Bible actually teaches.
I say this as a Bible student and a serious Christian.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I understand that, but my goal is to have her reach outside those ancient, outdated, mysogynistic values. So that she realizes SHE matters too, even though she's a female.


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

Viv-sunrise said:


> I think my anger stems mainly from being disregarded. My opinions don't count and if I complain about anything I'm playing a victim. I grew up in a strong female household. I took care of everything and crying was a sign of weakness. I try to never cry in front of him. I would rather blown up and throw a fit and walk away.


I can understand this mentality, but blowing up instead of learning how to address something when it happens could be seen as a weakness too. Can you two afford to see a marriage counselor?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

turnera said:


> I understand that, but my goal is to have her reach outside those ancient, outdated, mysogynistic values. So that she realizes SHE matters too, even though she's a female.


The thing is, those values are not ancient and if she is being indoctrinated in them, it is important for her to understand that those are not Christian values. They are man made traditions justified by using scripture out of context and not using what Christians call "the whole counsel of God." 
God protects the oppressed. He does not shield the oppressor.
If the OP is being oppressed by her husband and believes that the church teaches she is to pray harder and try harder to please him, rather than standing up for righteousness, then false teaching needs to be addressed so she can be set free from the oppressive and false teachings she has been subjected to.
Although I'm not sure that's what's going on here. It could be that they both need to learn how to get along with each other. It may be both of them and not just him.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Viv-sunrise said:


> I think my anger stems mainly from being disregarded. My opinions don't count and if I complain about anything I'm playing a victim. I grew up in a strong female household. I took care of everything and crying was a sign of weakness. I try to never cry in front of him. I would rather blown up and throw a fit and walk away.


Is it possible that you are suppressing your emotions because you feel you cannot show them and then when they cannot be suppressed you erupt? Can you look back to your life living with your parents and does the picture look the same....you had no voice there? You feel like you have to be strong and that have to deal with your own issues because there has been no one there for you? If you were to take your issues to your parents what would happen? 

Sometimes we repeat the life we lived growing up and these patterns are hard to change. If you felt you little worth/no worth and no voice in your home of origin it is likely that same pattern of behavior would follow you into your marriage and infact you probably chose someone that would treat you like one of both of your parents did.

Your husband does need to listen and he does need to share he cares and he does need to comfort you and you do need to make sure these needs are expressed to him. Can you say, "I am feeling really sad today, could I get a hug and an "I love you.'" We want our spouse to be able to say and do these things without asking but I can say after 27 years with my husband if I wanted this from him I would have had to ask him for it, he was not aware of my emotions and acted like he cared less. More importantly is for you to be tapped into how you feel and what you need. If he cannot give you what you need then you really have to rethink all of this.


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## GiveMeHope (May 22, 2016)

Ok, so, I'm on my third pregnancy. For some reason, every time I'm pregnant, I hate my husband. Right now, I'm experiencing this very problem except it's magnified by other issues my husband is having. 
However, with my last two pregnancies, without all the extra problems, still I hated him the whole time. I mean, I even hated the way he breathes. After the baby was born, I got over it. I cried a few times and apologized and eventually, we healed.


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## hanerykroze (Jun 1, 2016)

If is nice then you have to control your temper and tell him to search for work.


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## Thessavout (Oct 30, 2015)

I'm sorry for you. But please don't jump into any conclusion. You should be more concerned about your baby. And during pregnancy period mood swings are very common. Some counselling sessions may help in your case. Never take any decision when you are angry. Your child needs a father's care and affection. Your decision shouldn't hurt your child. But if you really can't adjust I think then divorce is the better choice.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Wait until you have the baby and see how things go. Pregnancy can be such an emotional roller coaster.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

If people get upset over small things, it might be their own problem. 

Sometimes we blame our husbands for our own unhappiness that's because we have someone to blame. 

We can ask ourselves, why do we get upset? Did he do something wrong? Or we are not happy people in general? Is my life better without him?


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## Viv-sunrise (May 20, 2016)

I have been away do some time to try to get things settled and give it one more try. I have decided to separate myself from him once the baby is born. I was advised that I need to wait for the baby to be born to file divorce papers anyway. This way I cannot get arrested for kidnapping if I decided to move away.

The boiling point was that he went back to his old habits of drug abuse and I will not expose my child to that. I would prefer he not know his father if that is the case. He was clean or a very long time, and I though that this was behind us. I gave him a second chance in life and even helped him get treatment the last time this happened. 

I have no one to confide in personally, I guess this is why I come here so that I can say what I feel and have someone not related to him listen. I will be letting my brothers know at the baby shower so they can help me plan my escape. They will be in town then. Once I file the paperwork, I plan on staying with my brothers until I get a job. One of my bothers is an officer, and I am sure he can get me help and protection if I asked. He doesn't know about my husband's addiction because he would be so disappointed in me for continuing the marriage after I found out about his past. Plus, I was extremely embarrassed myself about it. He isn't a junkie, and has been able to control himself for a long time. I guess I have a diva mentality, but I think I deserve better than this, and my son definitely.


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## Viv-sunrise (May 20, 2016)

I have tried and he finds a way to turn it around and blame me. The last counselor we saw got nowhere because I stopped talking in the middle of the session. Every time I started to answer her questions to me, he would interrupt and make it about himself.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Please share the whole story with your brother. He may be upset, but you need to speak the truth, so your support system understands what is going on.
Have you spoken to an attorney? How would it be kidnapping if you left before the baby is born, but not afterwards? Do you have proof of his drug addiction? It is important that you keep records on what is going on and gather proof and that you keep two copies, one being in a location away from you. Your brother should be able to help you gather proof, so you can adequately protect yourself and your children.
Find some friends. You are not an island.


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## Viv-sunrise (May 20, 2016)

greenpearl said:


> If people get upset over small things, it might be their own problem.
> 
> Sometimes we blame our husbands for our own unhappiness that's because we have someone to blame.
> 
> We can ask ourselves, why do we get upset? Did he do something wrong? Or we are not happy people in general? Is my life better without him?


The little things are what lead to the big arguments. For me, the unhappiness comes from the feeling of being stuck in a situation that is destroying me emotionally, and will put my child I'm potential harm. If we can't get past the small stuff, the larger issues will not be dealt with in a positive way either. I blame myself or not taking control and staying away when I did leave him.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Blaming yourself is one thing, taking responsibility now is quite another. Learn from the past. Let it go and move forward today.


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## Keedy (Aug 6, 2011)

Viv-sunrise said:


> I have been married for 8 years to someone who I don't think think I have much in common with. We argue about 80% of the time we're together. Somehow it's always me because he's such a great guy and I'm always wanting to fight. I am always angry. Well, now I'm 5 months pregnant and I can't take it anymore. I'm depressed and every time he gets home my anxiety level rises. I'm trying to be the good Christian wife, and sticking to my promise, but I just can't see myself raising my son around this man. I can't go to anyone we know for advice. I just want to leave, but I feel stuck. Is it just my hormones as he's always telling me?


I totally understand where you are coming from. I myself was in the same sort of predicament and I just couldn't do it anymore. Like you I was very depressed and we argued 90% of the time. My children saw how unhappy I was and he was acted as if it was all me and he did nothing. I filled for divorced and moved out that same month. Now, that I'm divorced it's the best thing that has ever happened. I smile more, I laugh more, and overall I'm happy. Do what feel is best, go with your heart. Good luck


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

OP, the drug use is ample reason to leave him. On the same token, he might have gone back to drugs because of the state of your marriage and the stress that it causes. Are these hard drugs or marijuana? As for your original post, I can tell by reading it that you are part of the problem as well. You seem to argue about things that shouldn't even matter. This comes from deeper resentment and frustration and until this is sorted out and identified then it can't get better. I know from experience because my own marriage is suffering because of similar stuff. Just being honest, leaving your husband with a newborn will be very difficult. Additionally, if you try and find someone else you will probably encounter the same issues unless you accept and come to grips with the things you did to ruin your marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Viv-sunrise said:


> He is what I would call a blind Christian. He can quickly point out anyone he feels is not following the Word, but is never responsible for his own shortcomings. There is always the response of "that is the enemy putting that in your head" sometimes I think he is the enemy.
> 
> Lately there's been a lot of little things that just pile up because I don't want to argue any more. Because im pregnant, and high risk, I need a little more support. I need to be dropped off at the entrance, not walk through a large parking lot. If i am worried about the baby dont tell me im vrazy and laugh. Maybe I'm just asking for too much. But it's little things like that, that make me really unhappy.


While it is true that some men don't get the issues of pregnancy, specially at risk ones, your husband's response to you making a valid request is very telling. His response is just wrong. Clearly he had little to no respect for you.

Before you divorce him, it might be worth making an attempt to fix things. Then if he will not join you in fixing your marriage, you know that you did all that you can do.

Here is what I suggest.

Get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". You read them and do the work that they suggest.

Then you sit your husband own and tell him that as far as you are concerned, your marriage is broken and you would like for him to join you in fixing it. Ask him to go to marriage counseling with you and to read the two books with you.. then to do the work that the books says to do.

If he refuses, then be prepared to file for divorce. In this case, he might come through after he realizes that you are serious about how bad the marriage is and that he needs to work with you. Otherwise, you can continue the divorce.

There is no way that you should put up with him laughing at your concerns, putting you down, etc.


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