# Is this how marriage is supposed to be?!



## Raindrop (Jan 11, 2010)

Sorry this is so long but hopefully you will read through it.

I got married over 5 years ago. We met and got married 9 months later. He is from Europe, no kids. He is 42 and I am 43.He'd never been married and the crazy thing is, he never discusses his past relationships EVER. If I ask he just says "I don't know or I don't remember" This is my second marriage as my first one was married to a man that had a serious problem with being faithful (numerous women). Deal breaker. 

During the beginning of our relationship, he started going through some hefty issues as work. THey got worse when I moved in with him and we spent most of what should have been the "la-la" part of a relationship in stress. His greencard was attached to his job. He owned an apartment and a car and had been in the states at that point for 5 to 6 years working. I was very supportive of him and nurturing during this time. This is how I am by nature. The sex wasn't all that good and not frequent but I attributed it to the high amounts of stress at work. 

A week after I moved in, he lost his job. We only had a few choices. We break up and he moves home, I go to his country or we get married. We got married in 4 days. The day of our marriage, he printed out a prenup from the internet and had me sign it. It's all one sided. I signed away everything and anything including spousal support. We did not seek legal counsel and I was so freaked out and nervous, I just signed it not thinking. I know, I know!!! STUPID! He doesn't have money (that I know of?) So I was a little stunned. Also, he said it was for my own protection because he is a CFO and if he gets in trouble for any reason, I am protected (think Enron). I know this was a BS line. 

It's been rocky ever since. We moved to another part of the country so he could get an EXCELLENT job paying three times what he was getting at his last job. I left my job, friends and family. I stayed home and renovated a house (top to bottom except the 2 x 4's) we bought. He provided the money but I provided the actual renovations which was a full time job for almost two years. He still would give me a hard time about not working during this time even though it would have been physically impossible because I was the contractor. 

I think he suffers from depression and anxiety. He has been diagnosed with OCD, ADD and some depression by a psychiatrist. He's been on meds but I am not sure they have done anything. There aren't meds for a personality defects! He has now decided to go off of them and he thinks the psychiatrist is an A-hole. 

He can be abusive calling me retarded, he talks to me as if I am a child. He has a strange and controlling relationship with money. ALways saying we need to be careful with money (even though he just received a 40K bonus), he makes excel spreadsheets constantly, he has no joy in life, very few friends.

One time we were on vacation with his parents (they speak little English) and we were driving around Las Vegas because he was OBSESSED with finding a bottle of champagne. It's almost like his eyes changed. So I was driving, we had GPS but he just kept saying.. TURN HERE, TURN THERE... he started cussing up a storm and I thought "wow, he's getting out of control" Then I quietly asked him "Why don't you... (I was going to ask him to check the GPS) and he screamed at me and said "WHY DON"T YOU SHUT THE F*CK UP!".... I almost died. ANd his parents were in the back seat. It was so out of this world, it took everything for me not to cry".. then a couple of hours later he acted like nothing ever happened but I was still stunned. THen he said "oh you aren't going to act this way all day are you?" 

He is in NO WAY affectionate and sometimes when I ask him if he would just please touch me he gets irritated and says "the more you ask me to do something, the less I'm going to do it":scratchhead: Sex is NEVER initiated by him and when we do have sex, it's like it's a chore for him, quick and straightforward... and passionless. I miss someone just kissing me.... and telling me I am beautiful. Am I asking too much?

About 7 months ago, he got so angry he smashed several glasses and plates in the kitchen, including a glass full of red wine. You can imagine this went EVERYWHERE. It took me weeks to clean up the red spots everywhere. I had to paint the ceiling too. There is still a huge chip in the counter than he keeps asking me (the secretary) to have someone fix it. I refuse.

He NEVER EVER says he's sorry. EVER EVER EVER. Nothing is his fault and he can be very hurtful with his words. If I have a fight with a family member or friend, he takes their side and says "well, maybe they are right about you".... 

I am living in our apartment in another country because I had a midlife crisis, quit my full time job and decided to live a dream I always wanted... to live in another country. I wanted to go to school but when I got here, the place wasn't done being renovated. Guess how finished it? Moi! In a country where I don't speak the language. It barely had a bed and that was it!!! Not even internet and I ordered fridges, washing machines, couches etc. I was unable to go to school to learn the language as this was a full time job. I told him I was angry I had to do this because he KNEW what my plans were. He said "well, at some point you have to take responsibility for your actions and stop blaming me" I said "HOW COULD I HAVE DONE BOTH??" I feel duped! I guess you can say I am paying the price for my living out a dream. 

He had me doing lists of things everyday to fix HIS apartment and at some points, I almost broke down because of the language barrier. I even set up the internet and cable myself because the guy never showed up! All with the instructions in another language. He would call me and say "what did you do for the apartment today?" 

He calls me every day and says "so what are you going to do when you get back huh huh?" I am constantly criticized for EVERYTHING I do. I can do nothing right and I remember when I was trying to get everything done here I got no Thank you's or gee, what a great job you've done. Just a "well, if I did everything the way you do, I'd get nothing done"... my god, it's his country, not mine!!! I did the very best I could do.

His daily communication is "snippy" and he is EXTREMELY argumentative on everything. Super combative. Interestingly enough, this is a complaint from his boss as work. Sometimes he complains about what his boss says and all I can think is "wow, I totally understand where this guy is coming from!" 

I feel more like his secretary. Like his slave. Like one of his underlings at work. If I ask him to do one thing.. one tiny thing he says "I don't have time, you have to take on some of the burden, I can't do everything"... wow. It's funny because I feel I carry the weight of this relationship on my shoulders. 

I walk on eggshells because he has a short temper. He projects all the time and half the time, I wonder why he even wants me in his life. 

He tells me all the time that I am doing something wrong and why don't I do it this way or that way. He just fights me all the way no matter what. If I say the it's dark at night, he will argue that it's not true and go on and on why it's not. OMG. 

We tried therapy but the therapist literally after several months said "I'm not sure I can help you, he just won't budge, he won't meet you half way even!" 

His psychiatrist suggested he go to therapy on his own but he refuses. He says he will only go with me because there is nothing wrong with him. The psychiatrist said he has a "personality deficit"... whatever that means. 

I feel emotionally exhausted and drained. I feel freer and happier when I am not with him. I know that nobody will criticize me and I don't feel like I am on edge. WHen I see him call me, I tense up because I know it will be an intense discussion. I just agree with him all the time and said "yes, no problem, you are right, I will do it that way or whatever" because you CANNOT argue with this man no matter what. 

He's never let me in emotionally. I've tried. He isn't nuturing and in fact, I have had a couple of surgeries since we have been together. It gets worse when I am sick or injured. He actually becomes meaner?! It's almost like he kicks me when I am down:scratchhead:

If we talk, he gets snippy and says "GET TO THE POINT, I DON"T HAVE TIME FOR ALL THIS".... he's just impossible to have a daily relationship. 

Example, I just got off the phone with him and he asked me what I was going to do when I got home and I said I was thinking about going to get a technical writing certificate to building on my already related degree. He came up with an example of a woman he knows in a doctors office that went from being an appt scheduler to a sales person. I said, well, it's easy to get a sales job because a lot of it is on commission. I told him changing careers is VERY difficult. He got mad RIGHT OFF THE BAT and said "YOU ARE SO NEGATIVE, WHY DON'T YOU JUST TRY IT FIRST BEFORE SAYING IT"S NOT POSSIBLE. And this can go on for so long, I can put the phone down and pick it up and he is still going... Oh man, I just wanted to crawl under a rock. It's like this all the time.

I am SERIOUSLY considering divorce but I am actually afraid of him. He would fight me to the death to make sure I walk out with the shirt on my back. All he would be thinking about is money money money. We do live in California and the laws are such that it's split down the middle but I wouldn't put it past him to pull some dirty tricks. 



I feel my tank is empty. I've tried everything. I feel I have sacrificed everything and he got this amazing job with US citizenship. I currently am not working because I wanted to get out of my current job do to a hostile work environment. I knew I would pay the price to be dependent on him for money. THIS GIVES HIM MASSIVE CONTROL AND HE USES IT"

He made sure to send me a list of everything I have spent while living in his apartment in another country and said "WE CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS!" But he doesn't realize most of it went to buying things for the apartment. It's not worth arguing over anyway. 

I have managed to save some money on the side so that I have some at my disposal in case I need to split. Why am I so scared to make the move???? What am I afraid of? 

My friends back in my old town say "come home, we are tired of you being unhappy and he's never going to change".... 

I feel powerless but when I am away from him, I am happy and positive. THis is me...I have a love for life and have passion... he just seems miserable by nature. I almost feel sorry for him. Am I crazy?


----------



## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I am currently in divorce proceedings with a man that was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive throughout the 11 years that we were together. 

Your H is financially, emotionally, and verbally abusive. Also, in the state of California breaking things as he did can be construed as physical violence as it is often seen as a way by the abuser to show the victim, "See what I can do to you?" 

Please call the YWCA. They are an incredible organization and they can help you form a safe exit plan, and depending on where you live may even be able to point you in the direction of free legal services (like getting a DVRO). 

Abuse is about power and control. That is it... and he currently has you right under his thumb. You need to get away from him before he hurts you.


----------



## Raindrop (Jan 11, 2010)

Pepper,

I don't think he would ever lay a hand on me. That was the first time he ever showed that kind of anger. IF he were to touch me, I would like immediately. At the beginning of the relationship, he would threaten to leave and go back to his home country but that has since stopped. I'm glad because it use to upset me so much.


----------



## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

This is a no brainer. Divorce him and move back to your family. I'm sorry your dream didn't pan out, but you are better off without him. He is using and abusing you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I have several articles on my blog that I think would interest you, but I especially want to highlight one: Narcissism: Recognizing, Coping With, and Treating It

It's pretty in-depth, and I think you'll find the coping methods there helpful. 

Also, I would encourage you to talk to an attorney about divorce and your pre-nup. Many pre-nups are unenforcable, and if he got it off the Internet you stand a reasonable chance that there were errors that can help you get what you deserve.


----------



## Raindrop (Jan 11, 2010)

KathyBatesel said:


> I have several articles on my blog that I think would interest you, but I especially want to highlight one: Narcissism: Recognizing, Coping With, and Treating It
> 
> It's pretty in-depth, and I think you'll find the coping methods there helpful.
> 
> Also, I would encourage you to talk to an attorney about divorce and your pre-nup. Many pre-nups are unenforcable, and if he got it off the Internet you stand a reasonable chance that there were errors that can help you get what you deserve.


Kathy,

I am just interested in the Narcissist thing... My therapist checked off a few of the N criteria although he doesn't meet ALL of them. Do you suspect it and is that why you suggested the reading? Just curious.


----------



## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Raindrop said:


> Pepper,
> 
> I don't think he would ever lay a hand on me. That was the first time he ever showed that kind of anger. IF he were to touch me, I would like immediately. At the beginning of the relationship, he would threaten to leave and go back to his home country but that has since stopped. I'm glad because it use to upset me so much.


You'll notice in my post I didn't say he was physically abusing you. There are many different forms of abuse, and what the financial, verbal, and emotional do to your psyche has time and time again proven to be detrimental to your long term well being. The majority of the people that I was in group counseling with were NOT physically abused.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Raindrop said:


> Kathy,
> 
> I am just interested in the Narcissist thing... My therapist checked off a few of the N criteria although he doesn't meet ALL of them. Do you suspect it and is that why you suggested the reading? Just curious.


What you described sounded like he had narcissistic traits, yes. Whether he has enough of them to meet a clinical diagnosis is more than I can tell, but he certainly seems to come close. A counselor isn't likely to see a narcissistic long enough to confirm a diagnosis because the NPD person will usually storm off in a huff when they are confronted about their own behavior. They may come back briefly, but usually not for long. They will go to a therapist for the purpose of "helping" inferior people get fixed, but never because they see a need to change themselves. 

If he is narcissistic, he idolized you in the beginning, but when he saw the "real" you a little at a time, you fell from that pedestal and suddenly became "just like all the rest" and therefore, unworthy of him. Your fall from grace was probably over something very trivial, and he will never forgive it. 

Talking to a narcissist can be crazy-making. They may seem very intelligent, but the way they respond to a partner during arguments is utterly nonsensical. I remember feeling like if I said "The sky is blue," the NPD person would say, "How dare you accuse me of painting the sky green!" 

In that article, I described some questions that can help you determine if he is a narcissist, though even if he doesn't meet the clinical criteria I'd say he has enough traits that you'd do well to consider how to best take care of yourself. I do not encourage staying with a person with NPD under any circumstances. It can ultimately prove dangerous in a number of ways - financially, emotionally, and physically.


----------



## Raindrop (Jan 11, 2010)

I just feel drained and emotionally starved. Physically too. We can't even have ONE normal conversation on the phone without him talking "down" to me or *****ing about something I didn't do right... 

I've checked out long time ago.... so it's easier to deal with now but leaving him would be another story. I just don't know where to start. I have some money saved but I know it will ALL go to a lawyer and I will have nothing to get my life started somewhere else (IN ANOTHER CITY). He makes the big bucks so his life won't change and lawyer fees will be a drop in the ocean for him. sigh.


----------

