# Why did we marry a mismatched libido



## longtimemarried (Apr 4, 2012)

What are the reasons we ended up with someone whose sex drive does not match our own? In my case, we dated a year. We had sex on our first date and frequently throughout the year. Once married we had almost daily sex for another year and frequent sex for the second year of marriage. Then the sex stopped. It was not a gradual decline. It went from frequent to nothing. Over the years we have had spurts of time where frequency increased but also many years of no sex at all. No explanation why. 

I thought I was marrying someone with my high drive. He told me his first marriage ended due to her lack of interest in sex. At least 30 years later, he recanted that and said he did not have much of a drive in that marriage either. However he did cheat in that marriage. I don't know what to believe. But I do know if I had known he would give up sex with me, I wouldn't have married him. 

How about for the rest of you with mismatched libidos?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I knew where my wife stood on the issue before marriage and decided if not optimal, it was acceptable. She seemed to understand that it was a need of mine and would have an obligation to continue to meet that need. 

I don't know what you do if the person you are with is not honest about themselves.


----------



## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

longtimemarried said:


> What are the reasons we ended up with someone whose sex drive does not match our own? In my case, we dated a year. We had sex on our first date and frequently throughout the year. Once married we had almost daily sex for another year and frequent sex for the second year of marriage. Then the sex stopped. It was not a gradual decline. It went from frequent to nothing. Over the years we have had spurts of time where frequency increased but also many years of no sex at all. No explanation why.
> 
> I thought I was marrying someone with my high drive. He told me his first marriage ended due to her lack of interest in sex. At least 30 years later, he recanted that and said he did not have much of a drive in that marriage either. However he did cheat in that marriage. I don't know what to believe. But I do know if I had known he would give up sex with me, I wouldn't have married him.
> 
> ...



This is explained in this video by someone who is smarter than me and has studied it. Take a listen..

Making Marriage Simple, written and read by Harville Hendrix & Helen LaKelly Hunt - YouTube


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

longtimemarried said:


> How about for the rest of you with mismatched libidos?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No premarital sex, so no insight into the wife's real level of desire.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

With one spouse (me) from Western Europe where sex is no big deal and the other from a Central Asian theocracy it's not hard to imagine a mismatch. We lived together for 3 years as college students and sex was decent to good - all things considered - then married and for A couple more decades it remained decent then due to a number of reasons decreased. Some of those reasons are fixable DIY but most go back to preconceptions established decades ago and thus far harder to address, DIY or Pro.


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

We weren't mismatched at first. Over years it tapered off to being almost non-existent, with me being too clueless to own my part of it.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

When I first me my first wife, she didn't want to have sex until we were married. Yeah we fooled around but didn't go all the way.

After we got married, I found out that our libidos were not the same. Mine was normal but her's was out of control. 

Her whole life was wrapped around sex and that's how she gauged love by how many times you have sex. 

 It was to a point where it wasn't fun any longer and it turned into a job. I swore that if you took the top of her head off, it was full of penis's.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We had frequent, good sex before we got married. Immediately after she said "I do", she rarely did any more, no matter what I did, or MC, or IC, etc. It was as clear a case of bait and switch as ever there was. 

Stupidly, I stayed for many, many years, wondering what happened to the woman I loved. The love slowly died, and eventually I divorced her. The second time around, I was very careful to find someone who shared my HD, and this has worked well for us both.


----------



## RandomWife99 (Jan 28, 2014)

For me I think it's because other issues in our relationship always overshadowed the sex. I thought the sex problems were just a symptom of other issues, not a problem in themselves. It was only after we worked on everything else that the sex stuff became more apparent.


----------



## longtimemarried (Apr 4, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> We had frequent, good sex before we got married. Immediately after she said "I do", she rarely did any more, no matter what I did, or MC, or IC, etc. It was as clear a case of bait and switch as ever there was.
> 
> Stupidly, I stayed for many, many years, wondering what happened to the woman I loved. The love slowly died, and eventually I divorced her. The second time around, I was very careful to find someone who shared my HD, and this has worked well for us both.


What made you feel certain your second wife wouldn't switch on you too?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

longtimemarried said:


> What made you feel certain your second wife wouldn't switch on you too?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We lived together for 7 years before marrying. She remained HD all that time despite a severe long-term illness that began two years after we'd met. She likes sex enough that she has always said she'd explore all available options if her drive decreased, such as hormonal changes - and she has, when there was some concern about this in the past two years. So, even after 14 years, we are still HD, and still average over once a day.

This is a second marriage for us both. She was HD even after having children and a bad marriage, so history and experience made me certain.

Add in that we're utterly devoted and still in love, extremely compatible, still do all we can to nurture each other's happiness and well-being, and that helps keep the desire alive too.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Wife and I were very well matched for libido when we were first married. In fact I suggested that we should slow down seeing each other before we were married because all we did was have sex. She insisted we keep going.

Stayed strong for about 5 years and then tapered off as I guess most couples do. Went to zero for a couple of years and then back up once we got some issues taken care of.


----------



## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

We didn't start off mismatched. When we began to become mismatched, there were mitigating circumstances (mental health issues for her, etc) that I accepted. Accepted too much, if we're being honest. After - to put it mildly - rough waters (details are elsewhere on the forum), our drives got back into synch. And then she had a full hysterectomy which played havoc wih her hormones an libido. Now, she's finally starting hormone therapy, so we both have our fingers crossed that there will be an improvement.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I doubt many LD people honestly tell their prospective spouse that their intention is to get married and then avoid sex for the next 80 years. I suspect most feign an interest in sex long enough to get a ring and a piece of paper. After that, they explain their sex-avoidance by launching a variety of excuses but among them, "I just don't like sex and don't ever want to have it again" is not heard. That would be an honest answer the normally functioning spouse could process and make an appropriately intelligent decision from. These people won't admit loathing sex. After 30 years of trying to hit an ever-moving target, trying to make a partner out of a fraudulent lump of human-like substance, I suspect most victim spouses just give up, accept their lot in life, and wait for death to mercifully rescue them.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think in many cases the emotional connection is lost for whatever reason (speaking of LD women) and when that's gone the sexual attraction is gone with it.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Openminded said:


> I think in many cases the emotional connection is lost for whatever reason (speaking of LD women) and when that's gone the sexual attraction is gone with it.


If their emotional connection and sexual attraction is gone, their bodies need to catch up and also be gone. Handcuffing a man forever to a loveless cocoon that used to be a woman isn't doing anyone any favors. One who traps another to exploit their productivity is a slave owner. If one holds themselves out to be a husband or a wife, they should behave as one (and that includes sex). If one is a slave owner, they are a criminal. Of all the expectations people have of me, I can't think of one responsibility I can avoid by saying, "I just don't feel emotionally connected". If someone has a relationship problem, fix it, get over it, or get out. Continuing to stuff one's face with bread produced by one they despise isn't an honorable option. 
Likewise, it'd be even more dishonorable for an alleged husband to continue to enjoy the benefits of marriage while withholding sex from his wife. We were created to be sexual beings and it's wrong to force others to live as some strange sexless creature they were never designed or intended to be.


----------



## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

I fell in love with a person, not a drive. In my case, there was no 'bait and switch'. FWIW, SO and I aren't married yet (living together), but we've both been fairly honest about our drives since day one. 

That was before I found TAM, and it never occurred to me that I _could_ seek out a partner that matched me sexually... I always assumed that guys would be more sexual than I was no matter what because that's what my prior dating experience had taught me.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> If their emotional connection and sexual attraction is gone, their bodies need to catch up and also be gone. Handcuffing a man forever to a loveless cocoon that used to be a woman isn't doing anyone any favors. One who traps another to exploit their productivity is a slave owner. If one holds themselves out to be a husband or a wife, they should behave as one (and that includes sex). If one is a slave owner, they are a criminal. Of all the expectations people have of me, I can't think of one responsibility I can avoid by saying, "I just don't feel emotionally connected". If someone has a relationship problem, fix it, get over it, or get out. Continuing to stuff one's face with bread produced by one they despise isn't an honorable option.
> Likewise, it'd be even more dishonorable for an alleged husband to continue to enjoy the benefits of marriage while withholding sex from his wife. We were created to be sexual beings and it's wrong to force others to live as some strange sexless creature they were never designed or intended to be.


Sex is extremely important to some and totally unimportant to others. For some reason those two groups often end up married to each other. I think if the problem is that important and can't be fixed then the solution for the HD person is to move on. 

Stay or go. Those are the only choices we have when married. So if the HD person is at the end of his ability to deal with it and the LD person can't or won't change then the HD person has some serious thinking to do.


----------



## ZaphodBeeblebrox (Mar 31, 2013)

Classic bait-and-switch... went from 14x in a 3-day weekend when dating, to not even 14x/year in any year of our marriage... and sexless the last 3+. And she was upset when I filed for divorce after 19 1/2 years...


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

ZaphodBeeblebrox said:


> Classic bait-and-switch... went from 14x in a 3-day weekend when dating, to not even 14x/year in any year of our marriage... and sexless the last 3+. And she was upset when I filed for divorce after 19 1/2 years...


Other than the infrequent sex, how did she perform as a wife and a marriage partner? In other words, if being a loving and giving wife was a felony, would there have been enough evidence to convict her?


----------



## ZaphodBeeblebrox (Mar 31, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Other than the infrequent sex, how did she perform as a wife and a marriage partner? In other words, if being a loving and giving wife was a felony, would there have been enough evidence to convict her?


She had a major health issue/nearly died in mid-1999. This changed her completely. For one, I took on all of the responsibility - from inside (cooking, cleaning, laundry)/outside (snow removal, lawn/yard/tree maintenance) the house to finances to cars. And she felt entitled to be spoiled and take advantage of the situation, and did nothing but sit back and wait for me to take care of her (and made no effort to, uh, take care of me). Not only did the sex stop, so did any form of physical contact - no kissing, no holding hands/touching - and my primary love language is touch. So, I felt rejected and then came the resentment and eventually anger, which is why I ended up leaving.

I share some of the fault here - being too beta/not dominant enough (MMSP/NMMG big help here), taking on all of the adult responsibilities on top of a busy professional job (not what I'm doing now, but close/related). She certainly could have done more/made more of an effort. Not just at this, at a lot of things in life. But she refused all of my requests for changes in her behavior, or counseling. 

Until after I filed. Too late now.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I have a problem with this "HD" designation for anyone with a sex drive above zero. A person who feels hunger doesn't have a high hunger drive, they are just human. Someone who feels cold doesn't have a high warmth drive. They are just human. 
Sex withholding may just be the only socially acceptable form of spousal abuse there is. One cannot beat their spouse to death or starve their spouse to death but one is completely free to murder the personhood and spirit of their spouse. In fact, if one chooses to do so, society will more often than not blame the victim. If the victim finally has enough and leaves, the victim is most likely to lose the most through the divorce.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

In my case with my marriage, it was MAJOR bait and switch. We went from "normal" sex life to ZERO sex life as soon as we got married. He blamed it all on being a young doctor under stress, blah blah blah. I later learned after many years that he and his brother both had MAJOR problems with their mother not "being there" for them and they both hated women. Yep, I married a mysoginist without even knowing it. Basically, they (he and his bro) love beautiful women, but they both want to punish them for all the hurt their mother caused them.

Sick... 

Took me 20 years to figure out just how sick it was. I could never understand why my husband never wanted to have sex with me (not to brag, but think of me like the Heather Locklear type in her younger years.) When my sister-in-law got drunk and confided in me that during her nearly 15 year marriage, she and my brother-in-law had had sex FIVE TIMES TOTAL, I knew it was time to get the h*ll out. 

For the record, I am now in a deliriously happy, sex-filled relationship with the love of my life. I call him my Alpha-Gorilla  There is not a day goes by that he doesn't express his love for me sexually, not always intercourse but ALWAYS something that blows my mind.


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I thought my wife liked sex when we were dating.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Thound said:


> I thought my wife liked sex when we were dating.


Every trap needs a little cheese.


----------



## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

We weren't mismatched when we were dating.

Everything was just fine.

Once we got married.. the sex came to an abrupt halt. She said, "I need a little bit more time to get used to the idea (of having sex every night)". 

And my response was, "You were used to it before we got married! So, what's changed?"

Not only did sex stop... all the stuff we did before we got married... going to ball games, dancing, camping, canoeing, etc, it all came to an abrupt halt. 

Not only could she not keep me happy in the bedroom, she wasn't cooking or cleaning either. She was a full time housewife. No kids...

She sold me a bill of goods. She jumped through hoops to get me to marry her and once we were married.. she dropped the act.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

unbelievable, I think Openminded is just trying to say that for some women, when the emotional connection is not there, they just cannot be very giving. Or are not motivated to. 

The LD is the one who has to define what "emotional connection" means to her, not have it defined for her by the HD. And she needs to define what "enough" emotional connection means, too, and not have it defined by the HD.

A man whose wife wants more emotional connection probably has a relatively easy fix, compared to a man whose wife is truly biologically LD, probably evidenced by the bait and switch folks.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"unbelievable, I think Openminded is just trying to say that for some women, when the emotional connection is not there, they just cannot be very giving. "

Our bodies do what we command them to do. I would have to absolutely hate my wife before I could deny her sex for months at a time. It would be more honorable and compassionate of me to just shoot her. Decent people do not torture animals or other humans and deliberately withholding basic human needs is torture and abuse. 
I've never heard of a spouse so devoid of emotional connection that they were unable to swipe their partner's ATM card. If you hate your spouse, leave. Don't turn him/her into your personal slave and try to justify doing so. Don't call yourself a husband or a wife unless you actually behave like one. Don't introduce your slave to others as your married partner because you know that's a damned lie. If you are deliberately withholding, you aren't a spouse. You may be an exploiter, a slave holder, or a torturer, but you aint a husband or a wife. If you have been deliberately withholding sex and your slave finally has enough of your abuse and has an affair or leaves you, don't complain and don't try to take their kids or their property.


----------



## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

We had a long distance relationship before marriage, so on the weekends that we were together, sex always seemed great. It wasn't until 2 years into the marriage that I found out that I was more HD and she tended to be more LD. Everything else in our marriage is great to this day....but the frequency could be better.


----------



## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> I have a problem with this "HD" designation for anyone with a sex drive above zero. A person who feels hunger doesn't have a high hunger drive, they are just human. Someone who feels cold doesn't have a high warmth drive. They are just human.
> Sex withholding may just be the only socially acceptable form of spousal abuse there is. One cannot beat their spouse to death or starve their spouse to death but one is completely free to murder the personhood and spirit of their spouse. In fact, if one chooses to do so, society will more often than not blame the victim. If the victim finally has enough and leaves, the victim is most likely to lose the most through the divorce.


I get your perspective, even agree to an extent.

For me, personally, when I see or use the terms "HD" and "LD," I apply them relatively rather than universally. That is, one partner tends to have a stronger (or "higher") sex drive ("HD") than the other ("LD"). I try not to apply universal constants (someone who wants sex x times a day/week is "HD"). Makes for a convenient shorthand, but can sometimes be applied a bit too freely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"Makes for a convenient shorthand, but can sometimes be applied a bit too freely."

Perhaps, but it also equates normally functioning humans with seriously dysfunctional ones. A properly functioning human is a sexual being. One who has no sex drive is not firing on all cylinders. Rather than pretending that sick people are well and that abuse isn't abuse, it would be more productive to help the dysfunctional find serious help and compel abusive exploiters to abandon their miserable treachery and pursue an honorable way of life.


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Every trap needs a little cheese.


How did you know I had a little cheese?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Curse of Millhaven (Feb 16, 2013)

He is/was one of the smartest people I have ever met, we had a lot of the same interests/tastes in music and literature, he loves animals, and he made me laugh. A lot. But most importantly I trusted him and it's very difficult for me to let others in. And we were actually very passionate in our courtship and our sex life was great. So much so that my husband even mused aloud that he hadn't experienced anything like what we had before..."we're so damned good together". But it all changed after we married. He became distant, cold, and retreated more and more into himself and porn. It felt like I had married the lovely Dr. Jekyll and unbeknownst to me it was a package deal with Mr. Hyde. And even though I like two-for-one bargains and <3 monsters, this was pretty devastating and I beseeched for answers and strove for solutions. 

What I gleaned from him did not help matters at all and I've pretty much realized in hindsight that I had romanced myself and misled myself into believing that what we had was mutual. I initiated the majority of the time in our courtship and when in the early years of our marriage I grew tired of making overtures and having them rejected, our sex life came to a screeching halt. I can count on one hand the number of times in our relationship that he has initiated and still have a finger left over to flip the bird.

He has said that he can go the rest of our lives as we are, in sexual inertia, and be satisfied simply by being with me. I cannot, and while I love him dearly and cherish him above all others, I'm aware that we have a marriage in name only and that at best we are loving friends, at worst roommates. Although at the same time, I know that if we split I will not seek out another romantic relationship ever again. I've only had two sexual partners/relationships and they will both have failed spectacularly. Love is obviously allergic to me. 

And my husband doesn't abuse me or cheat and I know he does love me in his fashion, so I think maybe amiable companionship isn't so bad. In a world that has shown me numerous times that it doesn't give a fvck about me, it's nice to have someone who does. So I'm looking into IC and going back on antidepressants after being off of them for 9 years. They will kill my libido and abate my depression...two birds, one pharmaceutical stone. Ain't love grand.


----------



## ZaphodBeeblebrox (Mar 31, 2013)

Eff that. Sorry, I can't and won't live a life without love, and being loved, and that includes physical intimacy. Anyone who denies you that without a physical reason is being cruel.

I am fortunate to have left an emotionless/loveless/sexless relationship, and almost immediately been chased. Boy, if this isn't role reversal from my teenage years! And one of the folks doing the chasing seems to be worth letting her catch me. We'll find out soon enough...


----------



## lfortender (Sep 18, 2012)

It's very hard to live in a marriage in this situation. My wife was a virgin before we getting married, so our first years were tough because she didnt get orgasms and stuff but now we have a normal sex. Sometimes she initiate sometimes me, but she doesnt have a high drive desire. Last year i found out, by her, that she was abused in her childhood (abused by anal). This was so frustating because all this years i tried to understand our sexual problems and now i understand everything, she was abused. I think to myself if she really was a virgin before me but i remember our first time, i remember so hard about her hymen, the pain, blood, so...


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

If I would have any indication of my husband having a low drive before I married him, I wouldnt have married him. I think at the time he was high drive like me or he was a really good faker. 

Being in a sexless marriage the emotional connection I had with him is gone..I no longer feel close to him.. and after years of rejection and not feeling like I am good enough i have just given up and I dont much care if him and I ever have sex again. I can take care of my own needs and I have been for years


----------



## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

Anyone that struggles with this and why they have picked the person they picked and why they are married to someone that seems completely mismatched and if any have been through divorce and remarried another person almost like their first. READ THIS BOOK>

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Getting-Lov...UWO_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1392993560&sr=1-1


----------



## biola (Dec 28, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> In my case with my marriage, it was MAJOR bait and switch. We went from "normal" sex life to ZERO sex life as soon as we got married. He blamed it all on being a young doctor under stress, blah blah blah. I later learned after many years that he and his brother both had MAJOR problems with their mother not "being there" for them and they both hated women. Yep, I married a mysoginist without even knowing it. Basically, they (he and his bro) love beautiful women, but they both want to punish them for all the hurt their mother caused them.
> 
> Sick...
> 
> ...


Wow.As tragic as your story is I still find it somewhat hilarious.LOL!Just wow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

like many others. Bait and switch. Had I known that she wasnt really going to want to have sex with me post marriage, I would NEVER have stayed with her. Oh well. You win some you lose some.

Hopefully any single or dating TAM members on here are very honest with themselves and thier partners before saying yes to the ring.


----------



## Unit4 (Mar 15, 2009)

If libido is to be characterized by physical affection, I did chose a miss-match in the bedroom with my wife. Almost 20yrs ago at 29 years old, we both engaged in pre-marital with me jumping at the chance to do anything with/to her, and her doing no more than rubbing legs, to initiate my attending to her. I wed because I feared the self-control problems I knew I'd have, if I married someone who enjoyed experiencing my body. Self-control has challenged my life. It was medicine, then. Now, I often feel I screwed myself out of simply feeling loved. I'm mature enough to see the hole I've dug for myself. We've communicated "needs", where "accommodation" continues, but I know I fall in the mismatch category. It didn't used to be about the frequency, but LD from age and daily life makes something happening *because I need it*, all the more foreign.


----------

