# Two steps forward one step back: reconciliation



## wunderbar

I figured I would post my story here. It's not a success story yet but its to give others hope and maybe get help with some on-going issues. 

We'd had been having issues off and on for the past six months. I mostly brushed it off due to sleep deprivation from our son and work-related stress for both of us. We didn't fight often, but it was bad when we did. He holds on to past fights and past hurts. I also hold on to a few, very bad, past hurts from our relationship that all get brought up in fights. We had a close call a few months ago - we had a 5 day fight over a word (ignorant) that ended only with me stepping down. I wanted to go to counseling then, but he refused. 

About a month later a fight over a ruined BBQ outing turned really nasty. Our fights have a pattern - someone says something the other misinterprets or really reacts to. Then he goes upstairs to write it down or call someone, etc then I remove said device from his hand then he tries to get it back. This fight got very physical and he walked out. I thought he left to cool off, but the next day he grabbed clothes and said he was leaving for good and wouldn't be coming back. 

The first few days I was a mess. I begged, pleaded, and took 100% responsibility for everything. He wasn't hearing any of it and would just scream at me. So I told close friends & family I needed help. The help arrived in droves. I was so floored. We got into a pseudo routine and, unknowingly, I started the 180 process.

I did everything - I cleaned the house from top to bottom, I did all of the chores, cared for my son by myself, went to counseling on my own, etc. When he would come over I would say just the minimum, went out with friends, had people coming over all the time. I looked great when he was around and we went to the pool a few times with our son. I kept my emotional distance, tried to hold myself together around him, but did not push him away just waited for him to come closer. 

Eventually one weekend three weeks after he left - he didn't make an effort to collect his clothes and leave again. He stayed in my son's room then eventually came back to our bedroom. Counseling has kept me sane and has helped me learn to deal with his personality. It's slow, but already we have had more in-depth conversations than we ever have before. He agreed to counseling and that's where we are now. We had a great weekend visiting family recently. BUT we're not in the clear. Not by any means. We got in another, what I thought was, a minor fight. But it wasn't to him. So we have taken a few steps forward and now some back. He didn't leave this time, so that's an improvement. I'm not sure if we are a success yet, but I hope we will be someday.


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## anx

Good luck on the start of your mc story. It's a rollercoaster and a mind f$*#. It is hard work. It requires huge drive from you two beyond just mc. I wish you the best and God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wunderbar

Thank you anx. I read your story and it inspired me. I bought the books you recommended and I'm going through them first then I will see if he wants to join me in the process. I think what suprised me the most about reconciliation is exactly what you are saying - the work ahead is a mountain. Reconciliation takes a lot of work, but then once reconcilied there is a lot more work to accomplish.


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## anx

I am unfortunately separated a second time. However, I know it is possible. Unfortunately, even putting 110% in, your spouse can decide to just not want relationship. Vows lol.

huge transformations in focus, priorities, and love are possible. I love my wife more than ever and really have done anything to fix this. I don't know the end of my own story. 

Best of luck and God bless.


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## wunderbar

I'm sorry to hear that anx. I hope, though, that you will find peace and happiness.

Our first counseling session wasn't much, he mostly talked, but we went to a bar and talked over a beer before heading home. For me, it was one of the first really good nights we've had together. Since then, we've been talking about love languages and I've been putting a lot of the advice to good use. For the first time in the last 6 months it feels like we are really reconnecting again. Next weekend, I'm giving him the weekend off and going out of town with our son. Hopefully both of us will recharge.


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## anx

I am starting to find some peace but separation hurts like hell. I read somewhere that the brain processes loneliness and physical pain in the same place, and I believe it now. 

Great update. Take it slowly and keep on guard for the issues that brought you here. They creep in. 

Identify as many of the issues as you can and really find any way to stop them.

Descalate everything - even if it means saying I love you too much to fight and walk put of the room.
Stay strong - someone has to be the adult when sh!t hits the fan

Best of luck and God bless


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## karajh

anx.. that is where I am sitting with my marriage right now. We were separated, I got my own life and when he saw I did he wanted me back. Now after 2 years things are going back to the way they were before. He left me the first time, but I was miserable and did not want to admit it. Now I find myself almost wishing that I was alone. I just don't know what to do. I am scared to be on my own at the same time, it seems a lot less complicated and less stressful. I am tired of worrying about it all the time. If you have any advice on the situation it would be greatly appreciated.


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## anx

I wish I did have advise. I'm in my second separation and instead of totally hopeless now have 0-40% peace depending on the day. 

When she moved back between separations, things fell into the same pattern for her. She told me two weeks before she told me she should screw some other guy so that I would leave her alone that the marriage was in a good place while we were in mc. 

I know I deeply love my wife and that hasn't changed.


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## OomYaaqub

My husband and I have been separated multiple times. He always moves out in anger, threatening divorce, but we are always back to "dating" within a few weeks, a month at most. I still sew and cook for him; he does household repairs and errands for me. I have finally come to the conclusion that maybe we are one of those couples who need to live separately even though they love each other and want to remain together in the sense of being a couple. Affording it is difficult--although I do own the house I live in outright (no mortgage payment) and that obviously helps. Even the kids are happier just seeing their dad on his days off while knowing he's just a phone call or email away whenever they want to talk. I only wish this solution were more socially acceptable--not that I care what people think at all, but unfortunately he does. He has parents he cannot stand and refuses to visit, yet he worries about looking bad to his parents! A very conflicted, confusing person to deal with, I admit. Still the father of my children and I've never viewed marriages as disposable.

Let me add that you should never be in too much of a hurry to move back in together after a reconcilation. That would nearly always be a huge mistake.


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