# Dont know what to do. Feeling stuck.



## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

Wife and i been married nearly 16 years have 3 kids together. Im disabled. Wife is my carer ( or suppose to be) but she does more for other people than for me. 

We had our ups and downs like any couple. But i dont feel happy here anymore and im only here for the kids as i dont want them to resent me for anything. I been feeling like thia for a few years now but have never acted upon it.due to not wanting to upset anyone.

Wife ignores anything that i say to her. And gets defensive and says that im moaning at her and goes sulking if ahe doesnt get her own way. Nothing ever gets sorted due to this.

A few years ago wife locked me out of house i had to try and find somewhere to stay as im disabled and needed an accessible place to stay. I came back the next day as my kids wanted me to come for food. So i did but i've been asking myself if i did the right choice but i know i did it for them and to make them happy. 

We had tried online councelling it lasted 2 days then things went back to the same old routine. Wife didnt want to see any councellors as she didnt want another person in our marriage. I cant afford to have a solo councellor due to being on low income due to being disabled. 

Im not sure what to do anymore or how much more i can take of this life. But i know i have only stayed for the kids. I have thought about leaving a few times but i cant bring myself to tell them and i wouldnt know how to tell wife as she not the confrontational type. 

Any help would be greatly accepted.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Wow, I'm sorry for what you are going through. I can sense your unhappiness. Your wife sounds like a piece of work. 

Do you get disability? What sources of income do you both have? How old are your kids? A little background info would be helpful.


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

SCDad01 said:


> Wow, I'm sorry for what you are going through. I can sense your unhappiness. Your wife sounds like a piece of work.
> 
> Do you get disability? What sources of income do you both have? How old are your kids? A little background info would be helpful.


Yes i get disability although my money goes on the house bills and stuff. We only get basic benefits as neither of us work. Kids are 16. 12 and 7.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Jamesjones10123 said:


> Yes i get disability although my money goes on the house bills and stuff. We only get basic benefits as neither of us work. Kids are 16. 12 and 7.


Does your wife contribute at all? If not, that explains why she is mean to you, but keeps you around.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

First of all tell her to get a job or get out. 
Second, get a divorce.


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

Most of the benefits are in my name. She doesnt even help with taking the kids to clubs and stuff its always down to me.


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

Benbutton said:


> First of all tell her to get a job or get out.
> Second, get a divorce.


She would never get a job as she gets money for looking after me.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

if you divorce what would happen to the kids where do you stand , I can not ask a man to star around and put up with what is unlivable, 
so I am looking on this as a need to divorce , 

if you get divorce she stops getting any money as your carer , 
will you then need and get a helper ,
normaly I would expect youwould get help for the kids as well at least for half the time


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Jamesjones10123 said:


> Most of the benefits are in my name. She doesnt even help with taking the kids to clubs and stuff its always down to me.


If you're taking care of the bills, she could at least help out with the kids. Hate to say, but she's using you. And until you seriously put your foot down, it will continue. You two definitely need to see a counselor, but it sounds like she has zero interest. Do you go to church? Perhaps the minister or someone on staff would talk to you at no cost.

I understand staying together for the kids. That's probably the number one reason people stay in unhappy marriages. But trust me, you're not setting a good example of what a healthy marriage is for them. They see what's going on more than you may believe. Plus you are unhappy. 

It will probably taking you threatening to live your wife, or actually doing it, for her to wake up. And even that may not phase her. Tough decisions ahead.


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

frenchpaddy said:


> if you divorce what would happen to the kids where do you stand , I can not ask a man to star around and put up with what is unlivable,
> so I am looking on this as a need to divorce ,
> 
> if you get divorce she stops getting any money as your carer ,
> ...


We would have equal share of the kids. As she has told me this since thr beginning of our marriage as a few friends of ours have divorced and it has turned sour when it comes to the kids. Yes she would stop getting money and would have to go find a job and get some tax credits for the kids. 

I know i could and would get any help that i needed.


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

SCDad01 said:


> If you're taking care of the bills, she could at least help out with the kids. Hate to say, but she's using you. And until you seriously put your foot down, it will continue. You two definitely need to see a counselor, but it sounds like she has zero interest. Do you go to church? Perhaps the minister or someone on staff would talk to you at no cost.
> 
> I understand staying together for the kids. That's probably the number one reason people stay in unhappy marriages. But trust me, you're not setting a good example of what a healthy marriage is for them. They see what's going on more than you may believe. Plus you are unhappy.
> 
> It will probably taking you threatening to live your wife, or actually doing it, for her to wake up. And even that may not phase her. Tough decisions ahead.


No neither of us go to church or anything. I rarely go out as im either lookking after the kids or im too worn out due to my disabiity taking a hold of me.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Haven’t you posted about this several times before and the advice has been to leave because you can’t change her? Has anything changed?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Could you manage alone?


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Could you manage alone?


Yes i could manage alone if i needed too. Even tho i could and would get the help


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I believe you started posting here about 1.5 years ago. The marriage was bad then. It's bad now. As we say in Al-Anon, "If nothing changes, nothing changes."

Time to pull the plug. Sorry.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Jamesjones10123 said:


> Yes i could manage alone if i needed too. Even tho i could and would get the help


What sort of help would you be able to get? Where would you live? Would you be able to house and care for the children half the time?


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> I believe you started posting here about 1.5 years ago. The marriage was bad then. It's bad now. As we say in Al-Anon, "If nothing changes, nothing changes."
> 
> Time to pull the plug. Sorry.


Hi. Yes i did post this a while ago and no nothing has changed. Wife cannot see that anything is wrong and i cant even discuss it with as she always kicks off and any discussion turns into a argument. 
Which makes it harder on my part


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> What sort of help would you be able to get? Where would you live? Would you be able to house and care for the children half the time?


I would maybe get carer's help. Not sure about housing issue as i dont have enough money to rent privately and it could take a while for me to get a house with the council. I could maybe move in with family but then i would feel like a burden too them. 
Yes i would be able to care for the children as i manage when wife is not around. And they help me more than the wife does. So that ia not an issue the main is i have would be housing and how to tell the wife i want to leave as she cant see anything wrong and is not the confrontational type.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Next time she locks you out, break in or call the cops, she has no legal right to do that to you.

As far as forcing her to take care of you, forget it. It's not going to happen, just be glad she keeps the refrigerator full of food and you've got a roof over your head (when you're not locked out of course).


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