# Proposing a LD subsection in the SIM forum



## techmom

i want to propose adding a subsection for LDs in the SIM forum. The recent thread "LDs speak up...." was very enlightening and informative. There are many LD people to lurk on TAM but don't post because they fear backlash and flaming from frustrated HDs. Just as I learned a lot from the HD point of view and how important sex in a long term relationship is to them, they need to learn that LDs do love but we express it differently. We enjoy intimacy and sex, we just don't need it as often as HDs.

I've read posts where LD is synonymous with asexuality, not true.

I've read posts where LDs don't need touch at all, we enjoy touch, just non-sexual touch with no pressure for sex.

These things can be cleared up with this LD subsection. LDs will be free to speak openly about what they like and don't like about sex and feel validated and accepted just as the HDs are. This can be a learning tool for the HDs to use with their LDs spouses.


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## Faithful Wife

I'm all for it, but we can't stop others from posting anywhere, can we? So won't the same people just come in and bash the LD's, no matter where they post?


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## T&T

Faithful Wife said:


> I'm all for it, but we can't stop others from posting anywhere, can we? So won't the same people just come in and bash the LD's, no matter where they post?


The one thread where MEM posted a stern warning went well and was a good learning experience.


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## MEM2020

FW,

I believe that a clear written policy that is consistently enforced on LD threads - whether or not they are in a sub forum - would make a difference. 

If I were drafting such a thing, I might start with: 

This place (thread/sub forum) is intended to provide a safe environment for 'lower desire' spouses in a marriage to discuss their challenges.

Honest, constructive feedback and questions from HD folks is welcome. 
*
While many HD spouses are understandably frustrated and angry, this is NOT the place to express that anger via snarky, aggressive or combative posts. The LD posters are here to obtain help and be helpful, they are not an emotional proxy for the partner you are frustrated with. *

Violators of this policy will get one warning. 




Faithful Wife said:


> I'm all for it, but we can't stop others from posting anywhere, can we? So won't the same people just come in and bash the LD's, no matter where they post?


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## Faithful Wife

Sounds great! The HD crew will want their own subforum, too though. Is that ok?


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## techmom

Faithful Wife said:


> Sounds great! The HD crew will want their own subforum, too though. Is that ok?


They already have one it is called SIM, jk.

Seriously though it would only be fair for them to have one too.


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## T&T

Gee, do the MD's get one too?? (Mid drive)


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## Faithful Wife

No only the people who want to bash each other may have their own protected areas. People in the middle are just too laid back.


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## T&T

:bounce: :bounce: :bounce::bounce: :bounce::bounce::bounce::bounce::bounce::bounce:

Laid back??


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## larry.gray

I don't think there needs to be a HD thread. Techmom's joke is true, and further, there isn't much HD bashing.


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## larry.gray

MEM11363 said:


> FW,
> 
> I believe that a clear written policy that is consistently enforced on LD threads - whether or not they are in a sub forum - would make a difference.
> 
> If I were drafting such a thing, I might start with:
> 
> This place (thread/sub forum) is intended to provide a safe environment for 'lower desire' spouses in a marriage to discuss their challenges.
> 
> Honest, constructive feedback and questions from HD folks is welcome.
> *
> While many HD spouses are understandably frustrated and angry, this is NOT the place to express that anger via snarky, aggressive or combative posts. The LD posters are here to obtain help and be helpful, they are not an emotional proxy for the partner you are frustrated with. *


You're a moderator, make it happen 

I'd propose that we don't put up a separate forum, but make what is above part of the SIM specific rules that are stickied at the top.

If someone opens a thread with "This is a LD friendly thread" then the rules about not LD bashing should be sternly applied. Most of the threads that techmom and others are complaining about are borderline even under the existing rules. Even without creating special rules, they could be grounds for banning. It just would be nice to have the rules firmly enforced on such threads.



MEM11363 said:


> Violators of this policy will get one warning.


Frankly, I don't think a single warning is needed.


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## woundedwarrior

I like the idea of a sub forum, but I think strongly enforced rules on the existing ones would be just as effective.


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## Faithful Wife

larry.gray said:


> I don't think there needs to be a HD thread. Techmom's joke is true, and further, there isn't much HD bashing.


True but I was thinking for support from other HD's who were or are in sexless relationships...to share ideas, to vent...without offending LD's. Not that they couldn't contribute, but the HD's who are frustrated and trying to work through things do need a way to talk that stuff out freely. Not that they get bashed, but a lot of things sound like bashing when an HD is just genuinely expressing his or her hurt and frustration.

But I'm not hung up on the idea, it was just a thought.

As an HD woman, I do get bashed a little bit (not directly or personally), but just to talk openly about how sexual I am sometimes gets comments about "all these supposedly HD women who are flaunting" or whatever. It makes some LD people uncomfortable...or for instance, they may think that just because I chime in and say "heck yes I love x,y,z sex act!" that I also mean THEY should like it (or that everyone should) but I don't mean that at all....so we're not really free to speak, either.

I have far more sympathy for the LD group though, just due to the way things play out here.


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## larry.gray

I get where you're going FW... There was just a thread of that nature. 

I think one of the things to consider that there is a big difference between venting about your own spouse, and painting a broad brush about "them." Whether the "them" is LD, HD, men, women, betrayed spouses, wayward spouses and so on.


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## Faithful Wife

It is just so sad that the angry, bitter posters don't realize how much value they could be getting from "them", whoever "them" is that posts here. 

But sometimes people are just too stuck in their bad place to take in that benefit. So I get it.

Yet, there really is a wealth of amazingly useful information here through the diversity of perspective.


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## techmom

Exactly. LDs threads are constantly bombarded with "well maybe if you try this technique or that". It is not about that. We need ways in which we can work through our resentment as well.

HDs usually think, well if she or he doesn't want sex with me then they don't want it with anybody. Not true. This is what will hurt HDs. Because IRL, many people become LD because the relationship took a wrong turn and the LDs needs stopped being met. Then the person becomes LD towards their spouse, but they may still have a drive. Providing a safe place for LDs to express that will be valuable for HDs.

If they would only know...


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## EleGirl

MEM11363 said:


> FW,
> 
> I believe that a clear written policy that is consistently enforced on LD threads - whether or not they are in a sub forum - would make a difference.
> 
> If I were drafting such a thing, I might start with:
> 
> This place (thread/sub forum) is intended to provide a safe environment for 'lower desire' spouses in a marriage to discuss their challenges.
> 
> Honest, constructive feedback and questions from HD folks is welcome.
> *
> While many HD spouses are understandably frustrated and angry, this is NOT the place to express that anger via snarky, aggressive or combative posts. The LD posters are here to obtain help and be helpful, they are not an emotional proxy for the partner you are frustrated with. *
> 
> Violators of this policy will get one warning.


:iagree:


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## Pluto2

I agree that the warning is needed in the SIM, but I don't see how a separate subsection will offer any "safety" to LD. People go back and forth to all the sections and policing in a separate subsection would be no different than policing in SIM. Doesn't really matter where the discussion seems to be, angry people can say cruel things regardless.


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## SurpriseMyself

As an admitted LD whose thread was locked due to one poster's bashing and anger, I know I won't go back on SIM until it's a safer place to be. I had put the basher on ignore, but others were still engaged and thus the thread got locked.

Honestly, I was just trying to offer the LD perspective and advice, but I have yet to find any frustrated HD who responded with any kind of "huh, I never thought about it that way" response. Instead, the backlash just gets angrier and angrier. 

So, I'll be curious to see if anything is done in this area. It reminds me of another site entirely, one for Nice Guys, where none of the SOs are allowed to post except for a single subforum. I think that you have to get perspectives from those who aren't like you so you can actually learn something. Yes, frustrated HDs should support each other, but as Deejo said, it's time for many to stop complaining and start listening. After all, that's how you learn.


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## MEM2020

SM,
You can create a social group - which is accessed by invitation only - if you want a lower intensity environment for this type discussion. 






SurpriseMyself said:


> As an admitted LD whose thread was locked due to one poster's bashing and anger, I know I won't go back on SIM until it's a safer place to be. I had put the basher on ignore, but others were still engaged and thus the thread got locked.
> 
> Honestly, I was just trying to offer the LD perspective and advice, but I have yet to find any frustrated HD who responded with any kind of "huh, I never thought about it that way" response. Instead, the backlash just gets angrier and angrier.
> 
> So, I'll be curious to see if anything is done in this area. It reminds me of another site entirely, one for Nice Guys, where none of the SOs are allowed to post except for a single subforum. I think that you have to get perspectives from those who aren't like you so you can actually learn something. Yes, frustrated HDs should support each other, but as Deejo said, it's time for many to stop complaining and start listening. After all, that's how you learn.


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## Fozzy

MEM11363 said:


> FW,
> 
> I believe that a clear written policy that is consistently enforced on LD threads - whether or not they are in a sub forum - would make a difference.
> 
> If I were drafting such a thing, I might start with:
> 
> *This place (thread/sub forum) is intended to provide a safe environment for 'lower desire' spouses in a marriage to discuss their challenges.
> 
> Honest, constructive feedback and questions from HD folks is welcome. *
> *
> While many HD spouses are understandably frustrated and angry, this is NOT the place to express that anger via snarky, aggressive or combative posts. The LD posters are here to obtain help and be helpful, they are not an emotional proxy for the partner you are frustrated with. *
> 
> Violators of this policy will get one warning.


Really though, shouldn't this be the standard for any thread/subforum, regardless of the aggrieved party?


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## Faithful Wife

There are a lot of angry men here who seem to get away with it over and over. I'm not sure why.


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## techmom

My original purpose of creating a ld sub forum was so that HD's can see the ld viewpoint. Having a social group will not accomplish this. Lds come to the forums and see the HD viewpoint all of the time, even Getting It posted that it has helped her with her marriage. Would this work the other way around?


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## MountainRunner

Faithful Wife said:


> There are a lot of angry men here who seem to get away with it over and over. I'm not sure why.


I'm afraid I have to agree...and I haven't been around that long. The blatant misogyny I've seen so far makes my jaw drop sometimes. I do see it reciprocated as well, but not nearly with the frequency I see some men directing their angst toward women.


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## Faithful Wife

Thank you for saying so, MR. I'm shocked by it as well. I never hear men in real life talk about women the way I hear some men at TAM do. I just attribute it to frustration and anger, but it is very sad that the tendency to turn toward misogyny is what these men do with their anger.


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## Fozzy

For sure there's still a lot of anger, but I actually have found that TAM is one of the 'safer' sites so far. Some of the other places I've frequented in the past are WAY worse. The level of common decency is one of the reasons I stick around here.


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## Faithful Wife

Ugh...I can't even imagine where else you've been then.


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## MountainRunner

Fozzy does make a point. Before I found TAM, I was over on the MMSL forum and it was/is way worse than here. I posted a few times there and then never went back. Any time I see MMSLP mentioned I want to scream. Bunch of fvcking neanderthals over there that have absolutely no clue how to treat a woman (IMO of course) and/or behave like a gentleman around one.


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## Faithful Wife

MR, just for saying that, you are my new favorite poster.


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## MountainRunner

*blushes* aw shucks FW.... *grin*


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## T&T

MountainRunner said:


> *blushes* aw shucks FW.... *grin*


*Pouts*  

I agree with you MR!


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## Faithful Wife

T&T is heretofore my other new favorite poster.


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## T&T

Faithful Wife said:


> T&T is heretofore my other new favorite poster.


Utmost respect for your wise contributions, FW.

Kissing buttocks now.   :rofl:


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## Faithful Wife

I just noticed that a TAM poster has the sig line "always remember the LD motto: sex isn't important!"

I reported one of his posts with a complaint about this sig line.

That's the crap people mean when they say people bash LD people here at TAM....the guy has this in his sig line of every single post he makes. WTF??


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