# Maintaining positive relations with STBX



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Things are not settled yet, at the moment we're co-operating very well but things are still volatile. I have yet to answer her when she asked me "I never really meant much to you" because I don't want to answer that. However I can't dodge it forever, and we'll still have to co-operate until we get into the new routine.

How do I ensure that we remain on positive friendly relations? How do I answer her questions for closure without risking possible resentment/anger/pain/etc etc which can jeopardise our situation even further and make it more difficult for me, herself, and our daughter? I'm not interested in reconciliation at the moment, what if she is, how do I handle that?

I need this time to live a life without her, and in my opinion she needs to as well. We've done nothing but made each other worse and worse over the years. And all of this I do not feel ready to discuss with my STBX, but knowing how stubborn she was (and still is), I can't avoid this for long.

This is going to be a learning experience for both of us... I think, if we can establish a healthy dynamic as best friends like we used to be 7 years ago, perhaps there is still a slim chance of reconciliation. However, I'm going to need to second-guess my moves as it looks like it's now or never when it comes to changing our dynamics for the better, I don't want to fall back into the same trap for the last 4 years - we were living in a snow globe so to speak.

Your thoughts?


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

I don't think it can be helped. There will be some hard feelings ... That part of the healing ... Heck there is an entire stage of the process called anger.

That said, time will lessen those feeling and allow you guys to eventually get to a new normal. It's a rocky road and as long as you try to stay civil in front of the kid you've done all right in my opinion.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

She seems to be dealing with this alot worse off than me, but does seem to have the strength at least to commit to our agreements for the sake of our child. I don't want to risk being alone and in proximity of her at the same time though... ack!

Thanks though, looks like I have to wait this out


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

If I'm understanding your situation correctly, you are the one that wanted to end the marriage. If that is the case then it only makes sense that you are dealing with it better. 

She is playing emotional catch-up with you right now. She started further back in the process so it will take her more time.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It's kinda weird, it began with her bringing up D, then after some painful discussions she gave me an ultimatum, I couldn't accept her terms - it was unreasonable and it looked like she wanted me to break. However I didn't, instead I decided to take the bull by its horns and push for D as that's what she seemed to want. Then we seperated, and now it seems I realised I didn't really love her towards the end, only told myself that I did.


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## dumpedandhappy (Aug 17, 2012)

How to maintain positive relations? Good question indeed!!

Quick list:
1. The less said, the better. When in doubt listen but don't reply.
2. Quick and short. Keep it that way, with everything.
3. Support from afar. Do small things, drop off an excess of produce you bought or offer her a service you bought but can't use. Acts of kindness go a long way.
4. Always speak of her in glowing terms to others. 
5. Even if you can't think of a reply or don't want to...always return texts or messages, even if jsut to say, "I will respond later on that."
6. Be polite. Use extra care with your salutations, in writing form and spoken word. Politeness is well received and shows that you want to be in a respectful relationship.

Maybe there are more?? 

It's a good start.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> Quick list:
> 1. The less said, the better. When in doubt listen but don't reply.
> 2. Quick and short. Keep it that way, with everything.
> 3. Support from afar. Do small things, drop off an excess of produce you bought or offer her a service you bought but can't use. Acts of kindness go a long way.
> ...


That's... a VERY good list!!! Thanks!

Definitely have to work on 1, 3, and 4 ESPECIALLY!
Number 4 can be a challenge though at times... ack!


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