# I just want to be happy again



## insearchofself (Dec 1, 2010)

I can't talk to anyone close to me about all this so I'm hopping that someone on here will have some good advice for me. I feel like I'm losing my mind! Repeating the past is key to my problem, so I will give a bit of history as briefly as possible. 

I have been with my husband since I was 16 - so 11 years, and married for 4. Years 2-5 were rough. There was a lot of drinking, soft drug use, and not coming home at night on his part. At one point he even had another girl pregnant. I stuck with him because I though we were "meant to be" and that he would grow out of it. 

Eventually I had to leave him out of self preservation. He got himself straightened out, and begged for me back, promising that he would never go down that road again (I honesty had trouble staying away for the two months it took). A year and half later we got married. Things were great...better then great. We bought a house, he went to school, were considering kids. 

Then our home flooded and he started smoking and drinking again. This time I did too! We went to drug/alcohol counselling for almost a year...I just drink occasionally now, but he hasn't changed. 

Here is the problem. He broke my heart. I don't care when he goes on a bender and doesn’t come home. I used to cry all night and call over and over..now I just go to sleep. I don't want him to kiss me or touch me in an intimate way. Hugs are good, but kind of like hugging my brother. I feel like my trust/respect for him is gone, not to mention my love!! I don't want to hurt him though. I've been told that I'm kind to a fault...I am always nice to everyone and put them first...but I did something that will destroy him if I tell him...and destroy me if I don't!

I have developed feelings for by brother's best friend. He is 15 years older then me, but single. We are pretty good friends. One night my Husband drank himself into a coma again when the my friend was over..he was staying in our guest room. We stayed up talking and I confessed that I had a crush on him when I was young. We tried to fight it but eventually we kissed. He stopped right away saying "this isn't going anywhere good". He stayed the next morning and talked to me about it. He is trying to help me fix my marriage, but I can tell he has a new awareness of me. He would never have an affair, and I would die of guilt, but I think about him every day...all day. It's been three months.

So I'm looking for help deciding if I should go through the counselling AGAIN, come clean and hope that somehow I can learn to love/respect my husband again, or if I should give it up??


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## turtle10 (Dec 2, 2010)

i wont bore with my situation....and i feel like most people would say get rid of the fling before u cloud your relationship with lust/love whatever it really is...BUT i think, women (like myself included) are used to being 'second rate' 'not worth it' 'werent meant to have the good things in life' and so we spend our lives finding men that 'confirm' our poor self image. when someone comes along that 'awakens ' us...its like a light bulb goes on! having said all that - ask urself if you can TRULY be without both men. the new one is in the 'perfect stage' and may not work out...and not healthy to swap one for another...because the missing part is the in between where you need to get back to loving the person you are. knowing the person you are....and attracting like minded to you- wether that be your husband, the new one or someone totally different.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

insearchofself i agree with turnera and i guess what you are feeling toward your brother's friend is because a part of you is trying to run from a sad reality because in your mind you lost hope that it is going to change
We all know that running from our problems is not going to solve them or delete them
When you believe more in yourself you will see that there is another way to deal with your problems.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## olddeer (Nov 1, 2010)

You have to unfortunately get out of that relationship and just find yourself. Your husband has not treated you right. He takes every opportunity he can to blame you, to make you feel needed, and I'm not saying that he doesn't love you because he probably does, but that's not the "right" love. Nor though, can you get involved with your brother's friend, with any man. You have to commit to staying single for a while to learn more about YOU. It'll probably be difficult because you've been with a man always. So now you have to find YOU!!! Your a beautiful, strong person waiting to come out. Give yourself a good 6 - 12 months to just you, no men involved.


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## insearchofself (Dec 1, 2010)

Thanks for answering! So I guess you are all saying the same thing - I need to see what it's like to be on my own, and get to know myself? That's what I have been reading, but it's nice to have it confirmed with real people. I know I can't run out my H arms into someone elses (it seems like it would be so much easier that way though). My "friend" wouldn't let me anyway. 

Turtle10, can I truly be without both men? That question made my heart pound. I'm scared to be alone...even for a few hours. My family just wants me to be married and secure so bad, so I don't think I will find support there, and all MY friends have moved on. (we live in a really small town). All that's left is our friends, who knew him first. I just feel so traped!! 

Is leaving him kind of like running away?

My H is not that bad, he doesn't hit me or anything, he just goes through life in a drunken stoned haze and I don't know how to help him. There is no room left in that for me. 

Should I tell him what I did? I know if I tell him I'm leaving that he will quit for a while, and cry for me to stay 'cause he can't live without me bla bla bla.. 

Sooo, any sugestions on how to stay strong? I'm really lost here, but I feel like I'm comming to this point in my life were I just need to find some kind of happiness.


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## olddeer (Nov 1, 2010)

He has complete control of you by mind. Been there not by "alcohol", not by abuse either, but by mind. He too told me how much he loved and needed me, but I finally, after 3+ years found the strength to leave and then told myself that I would never get into a relationship with such a mind controlling man. Also I made sure to stay alone too and I did, not forever. I committed to 6 months, perhaps it should have been a year because you know you get to truly find out a lot more to who you really are and what you really want in life. Then you have to always remember that. I sometimes forget to remember those things. Get to know yourself.


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