# Need advice from a man



## Confused42 (May 25, 2012)

My husband and I have been married for 14 years. This year around our 14th wedding anniversary we made plans to spend a weekend out of town. He kept telling me throughout the week that if we didnt go he wanted to go to bufflao wild winds to hang out with the guys. I started getting my feelings hurt so when Friday came he didnt even ask about going he just left and went with his friends. 

Needless to say this didn't go over well with me and I gave him the silent treatment for a while. He ignored me for a week and finally when we did have a serious argument over this he confessed that he is not IN-Love with me anymore. He doesnt want a divorce and he wants to work it out but I feel really betrayed. How do you work it out with someone who says that they dont love you? 

I have tried to talk to him on several occasions but he gets very mad a defensive. He swears he has not met anyone else. 
We have a lot of marital property together and it was part of his family's land. I feel that the only reason he is staying is because he doesnt want to loose his home. 

I cannot talk to him about anything without him being defensive. He wont return my calls sometimes and gets mad if I text him. 

We were doing fine until a couple of months ago when he suddenly had problems getting errections so we werent able to have sex. Now he has withdrawn from me and says he doesnt love me even though I reassured him that I would always love him. 

I made us an appointment to see a marriage counsler but he will not go. He tells me he is not talking about his feelings. He told me to enjoy my shrink. 

any advice?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Looks like he made it very clear where he stands and in my opinion the more you try to work things out with him the more he will lose respect and love for you.

It's hard, but respect his decision, and see if he comes after you (which he probably will once he realised what he's lost), if not, then you have your answer. Win/win

It's time to harden up, don't beg or cry or anything. Well, just not in front of him.


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## Confused42 (May 25, 2012)

what do you mean that i can flip this whole situation onto his ass? How does anyone win at this?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

My advice is to snoop on him, his email, phone etc. to ensure he’s not seeing someone else. Don’t confront him just play it cool and snoop for a month or so.


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## Confused42 (May 25, 2012)

Well I have tried but he has everything locked with a password so I can't get into everything. I'm really confused and dont know what to do really.


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## Helpme1 (Apr 24, 2012)

Was the password locked before? If not, their is a reason that he locked the password. Start snooping!!!


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## Confused42 (May 25, 2012)

well it was locked before but I knew the password. He has changed it. He says it was because he knew i was paranoid and that I would snoop.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

ruh roh

sorry, sounds very clear to me honey - he's changed that password for a reason

he wants to work it out but won't talk to you or go to a marriage counsellor?

he's said he doesn't love you - that would be enough for me to leave his ass. Sorry, but I don't want to be with a man who doesn't want me - there's plenty of men out there that do (I hope)

good luck!


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Dollystanford said:


> ruh roh
> 
> sorry, sounds very clear to me honey - he's changed that password for a reason
> 
> ...



:iagree:


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## Confused42 (May 25, 2012)

Stonewall said:


> :iagree:


Well turns out he didn't cheat on me. Now he says he loves me. I really don't like to be jerked around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Crazy8 (Jun 1, 2012)

Confused42 said:


> Well turns out he didn't cheat on me. Now he says he loves me. I really don't like to be jerked around.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Here's the trick...

He's putting you in a bad spot. You love him. That's plain to see. But what you can't let him do is make you compromise yourself as a person, right? You can't do anything to make you disrespect yourself. Then you start hating yourself, and that doesn't lead to anything good. 

He's kind of painting you into a corner. But your options are getting easier. I'm not saying leave. But I'm saying to that talk is cheap. He needs to show you something. Quick.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Confused42 said:


> Well turns out he didn't cheat on me. Now he says he loves me. I really don't like to be jerked around.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How do you know this?

Did he tell you that? If he is cheating, he isn't going to tell you the truth.


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## InTheBedIMade (May 20, 2012)

you have to decide what you want. I did the same weekend stunt with the ILYBINILWY after - my wife decided she was keeping me, and she did. we had the best 5 years of our marriage shortly thereafter.

had she 180'ed me at that point in time I'd be gone. probably wishing I wasn't, but gone nonetheless.


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

This is an important question; what is the sex like these days?


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## Crazy8 (Jun 1, 2012)

Blue Moon said:


> This is an important question; what is the sex like these days?


:rofl:

At the risk of being inappropriate, this seems like it should have a "pics or it didn't happen" after it.

I know where you're going with it though. It's a good question. It just seemed odd and creepy at first.


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## Confused42 (May 25, 2012)

I know hes not cheating on me. Ive recieved copies of his cell phone records. My oldest daughter has ben spying (i didnt know this) Right now we have no sex life. We used to have a fabulous one. He says that he loves me very much but he just doesnt feel it anymore. Problem is he just wants space. I feel like i'm just setting back waiting for the D-WORD to happen. 

He wants to hang out with all these divorced guys he works with and i feel like they are having a bad influence on him. He turns 40 this year. Is this a midlife crisis?:scratchhead:

I went to talk to a lawyer to get advice. WHen he found out he went ballistic. So he doesnt make since to me.


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## Crazy8 (Jun 1, 2012)

Confused42 said:


> I know hes not cheating on me. Ive recieved copies of his cell phone records. My oldest daughter has ben spying (i didnt know this) Right now we have no sex life. We used to have a fabulous one. He says that he loves me very much but he just doesnt feel it anymore. Problem is he just wants space. I feel like i'm just setting back waiting for the D-WORD to happen.
> 
> He wants to hang out with all these divorced guys he works with and i feel like they are having a bad influence on him. He turns 40 this year. Is this a midlife crisis?:scratchhead:
> 
> I went to talk to a lawyer to get advice. WHen he found out he went ballistic. So he doesnt make since to me.



Yeah, that's not good. You don't know if he's hanging out with those divorced guys for advice of how to screw you over or what. How are you supposed to know? He's withdrawn from the relationship too. So when you put all of that together, what are you supposed to think?

Good move seeing your lawyer. Right now, you're not into the proceedings, but you're into protection. That's good. 

My ex-stepdad screwed my mom over big time. He had the divorce planned for months. She was blindsided by it and it wasn't pretty. 

I'm not saying that it's going to happen, but it might not be a bad idea to plan for the worst and hope for the best.


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## Confused42 (May 25, 2012)

Thanks Crazy, I'm just confused as to why he got so mad. He started all of this. The bad thing is now that hes treated me so bad I don't know if I want this anymore. I spoke to my 13 year old son last night and told him everything that has been going on. I felt like he was being kept in the dark. 

He told me that he wanted to live with me. and then he said "do I have to see him on the weekends?" that broke my heart to think that he doesn't want to spend time with his dad. 

I know that I shouldn't feel sorry for my husband but he's going to loose his whole family through his actions. 

I'm at the point of just letting him go its taking a big toll on me. I have lost a lot of weight BIG time. i can't remember the last time I was even hungry.


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## Crazy8 (Jun 1, 2012)

Confused42 said:


> Thanks Crazy, I'm just confused as to why he got so mad. He started all of this. The bad thing is now that hes treated me so bad I don't know if I want this anymore. I spoke to my 13 year old son last night and told him everything that has been going on. I felt like he was being kept in the dark.
> 
> He told me that he wanted to live with me. and then he said "do I have to see him on the weekends?" that broke my heart to think that he doesn't want to spend time with his dad.
> 
> ...


He got mad for one of a few reasons or maybe even both of them. The first reason is he was trying to screw you over. You have an ally now that makes it difficult for him to do that. You foiled his evil plan. Nice job. 

The other reason is that maybe he feels threatened by what you did, and so he reacted this way. I tend to lean toward the first reason. It all sounds shady to me. 

If my wife saw a divorce attorney, and I wanted to stay with her, it would be major talk time. Heck, she didn't even threaten to divorce me yet, and I had a sit down with her the other night to ask her what's going on, what am I not doing, what can I do better? To me, that's part of being a leader. You have to take care of your family and provide for their needs. Did he even attempt anything there?

As far as your 13 year old, I've been there. Is your husband verbally or physically abusive? I mean, even if he's overtly aggressive and your son knows to just clear out, that's still a form of terror. Kids need to feel safe. 

I hate to say this to you, but you should probably be aware that this is only the beginning with your child. Even if he's onboard with this, he's still going to struggle.

I wouldn't go into detail with your him about any of what's going on. Paint the picture with a very broad brush. Let him know you'll handle it. You need to get your support system from somewhere other than him. My mom I think leaned on me way too much during both of her divorces. Looking back, it wasn't healthy. So don't do that. It almost broke me. I had my own baggage, and then I had her crap too. So, don't do that. Just let them know the basics of what's going on, that you love them, and that you think this might be what's best for them. Also know that inevitably they may blame themselves. Expect that. If it never happens, great! But if it does happen, you'll be ready.

Also expect a lot of anger. If your son shuts down kind of, know that anger is still there. It's probably more serious if he isn't expressing it. He may turn it on himself. That's what I did. If they act out, know that this is what it's about. It's not anger at you. It's anger because there's a hole. It hurts, then anger becomes the alternative to hurt. 

Also be aware of the confidence issue. Boys get their confidence from their fathers, not their mothers. You can't be a substitute no matter how hard you try. Find a way to focus that anger. Now, especially with the your son, he needs experiences that build confidence. Remember that confidence is born of a demonstrated ability. He needs to be able to demonstrate ability to build references. Those references are what that confidence is built on. He also needs to connect with other boys/men. Even if he doesn't want to due to trust issues, it's a must. He has to work at it. Don't let him off no matter how much he begs. 

This is a tough road, but so is the one you're currently on. All you can do is project 5 or 10 years down the road and see what's best for you and your son and then make the decision based on the evidence at hand. 

And for goodness sake, eat something. The last thing you or your kid need is an illness because you're not taking care of yourself. Make you a priority. You're going to have to be strong for you and for him.


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## Confused42 (May 25, 2012)

Well things have gotton so much worse for me. I had to go see my parents for a few days. He looks at me so mean now. Its breaking my heart. It looks like I'm getting no where with him. Apparently I'm not allowed to speak to him or call him on his cell. He wont answer if I do.


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

Confused42 said:


> Thanks Crazy, I'm just confused as to why he got so mad. He started all of this. The bad thing is now that hes treated me so bad I don't know if I want this anymore. I spoke to my 13 year old son last night and told him everything that has been going on. I felt like he was being kept in the dark.
> 
> He told me that he wanted to live with me. and then he said "do I have to see him on the weekends?" that broke my heart to think that he doesn't want to spend time with his dad.
> 
> ...


I can't offer any insight on ur husbands moods and feelings.

However as someone who had to be my moms shoulder to cry on when i was 13 yrs old and all my formative years i would advise to stop telling ur son this. a young teenager should not have to deal with the burden of being an emotional rock for their parents. you should be his rock not the other way around. in this difficult time you should be strong in front of your children and shield them from these tough period - not lean on them and give them the play by play of their parents possible divorce. 
Perhaps im projecting my childhood but I've always resented having to be the strong one for my parents.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

So stop. 

For your own sanity, back off. Take a deep breath, and go on with your life, as if nothing is changing... go to work, or find work, find a hobby, take a college class to up your skills, start copying paperwork.... anything you can find. All the bills, credit cards, titles, insurance, bank accounts, utilities...everything. Just in case. 

Whatever he is doing may just blow up, he may leave. The ol' "I can't do this anymore". Just prepare yourself.

Quit telling him what you are doing. If he isn't speaking to you, don't bother telling him anything. If you want to be polite, leave a note on the fridge when you go somewhere or take the kids to do something. Invite him to go but don't take it personal if he says no or ignores the invite, and go with out him.

Refuse to argue with him if he gets pissy about anything. Learn how to walk away. Tell him you'd love to talk things over, but not in an ugly way. And walk away. 

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

I'm more familiar, due to experience, with the signs of a cheating woman. You're husband sounds just like an adulteress. Are his friends gay? One way or the other, he's fvcking around. Put a PI on his @$$.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

I go out of my way not to know my wife's passwords because I feel she's entitled to her privacy. But I frequently leave my email open on the computer as does she. with that said Buffalo Wild Wings with the guys on your anniversary is just *****y. I don't care how he's feeling about you. Unless you're in the midst of divorce proceedings that's pretty *****y.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

I don't know your whole story, but I'll share my first thought.

If your sure that he is not seeing another woman?

Let's assume that your husband was just going through a phase where he is unexcited about life and your marriage. You have been married for some time, if your not actively working on keeping your marriage and sex life fun, happy, exciting, romantic, and healthy. Then people tend to get bored, complacent, and just loose any excitement for thier spouse. It happens!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's right, just that it happens.

You discussed plans for your night. But did not really have any exciting, fun, or romantic things to do. Just another ho hum day in the life.

He says to himself, screw it, I'll go out with the boys. At least I will have a good time. Again, not right, but he is not feeling it. So it doe's not matter to him. Could even be a hidden message to you that things are getting worse than you know.

He is too insecure to tell you how he feels until you get angry about it. Then the best he can come up with is "I don't love you", even though he does, he gets you to back off, and ends the conversation that he does not know how to have.

You panic (normal reaction) you see a lawer. Now he feels that you don't love him, you did not fight for your marriage, you hit him in his ego.

His reaction to his ego being damaged is to reject you even more. One more time, not right, but the reaction of an insecure man. "Cut off your nose to spite your face".

So what do you do now?

First, decide if you want to be with this man. If not, you have your answer.

If so, then back down from making things worse. Express that you freaked out, you were just protecting yourself. You made a mistake and you want your marriage.

Express that you understand your marriage is not what either of you wanted it to be. Express that you are willing to work towards mutual goals, mutual happiness, and the marriage you both want.

If he accepts, then do your best to create more fun, excitement, non-sexual romance, and build a new friendship/relationship from the foundation up.

If your marriage is going to work, it will build itself from here.

Thats my thought, I hope I wrote it in a way that makes sense?


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## Confused42 (May 25, 2012)

Well I have done nothing but fight for my marriage in the last two months. I have done everything to get him to talk to me. 
I'm lost and now I just quit. I came back home on thursday. 

So here's the thing. He had surgery on his hand on thursday. I was supposed to take him to the hospital but I called his mom and made other arrangements instead. Being around him was almost impossible. He was so angry that all I did was cry and I felt that this would not be good for either of us I needed a break. 

I called him at work and told him of my plans. He said that he thought it was for the best. WE needed a time out. 

Well I returned on Thursday evening only to find that he is not here. His mom dropped him off at home and he got in his truck and left. He left our son here alone. He's 13 so not like hes small but still it made me mad. 

He didn't get back until 6pm. He went out and got his prescriptions filled. ate out, went to walmart and god knows where else.

When he got back I was very nice to him. Talked to him about his hand and how it was doing. His Left had had carpal tunnel so he had surgery to splice the cartilage around the nerve. SO far no pain. We talked for about an hour we were civil. However he had to take his wedding ring off because his hand is swollen.
I asked him what he did with it and he said it was in the bathroom vanity, Well it is not there. I dont know what hes done with it. He will probably use this surgery as an excuse not to put it back on. 

All he said was he was upset that I was not there when he had his surgery. I then told him that he either needs me or he doesn't. He's sending me mixed signals. I also said "well i called you at work and we discussed this. And he said well I know but inside I felt it was pretty ****ty of you to leave.

Even though we talked I mostly did the talking he didnt say much so I left it alone. I didnt talk to him for the rest of the night. He sleeps as far away from me as possible in the bed. Like hes afraid to touch me. He stand 2 feet away when we talk.
He doesnt kiss me goodbye he just says "see you later".

This morning I noticed he jumped up really quick to go to the restroom. He came back and was looking at the bedsheets. WHen he laid back down he wrapped the bedsheets between his legs!! I mean whats up with that?

I have an appointment with my lawyer in a couple of days. I 'm taking everyones advice. I am providing all the paperwork to him. Just in case. I need to see where I stand. 

If there is another woman. I havent been able to catch him at it. and she must be one patient woman to never see him.

any words of wisdom now?:scratchhead:


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## Confused42 (May 25, 2012)

I had my frist session with a counselor today. I walked away feeling better. It felt nice to vent to someone who is parital and doesn't put ideas in my head. I have never seen the lawyer. He keeps canceling on me. I think I will hold off on this for now. 

I'm going to try to buy myself some time in my home. So that I can make better plans. I dont want to be financially burdened when he decides to leave. 

I realized today that I'm not crazy I have been emotionally abused. In a creepy way it made me feel better ti know this. 
I am a normal human being,


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## Confused42 (May 25, 2012)

Just an update on my situation. He had me served with divorce papers on Friday at 3pm. So I guess my marriage is coming to and end. Its sad really we will loose our home and everything we have worked so hard for the last 14 years. 

He told me I was supposed to be served early in the morning so that I would have plenty of time to get over it before I went to work Firday night! I mean really!!! How cold. 

I dont know this person anymore. THanks for all the advice on here I really appreciate everyone who has responded. Now I have to learn to live without a man in my life. Its gonna be hard. Right now I'm fighting for my home so that my son will not have to move.


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## OneLoveXo (Jun 5, 2012)

Confused42 said:


> Just an update on my situation. He had me served with divorce papers on Friday at 3pm. So I guess my marriage is coming to and end. Its sad really we will loose our home and everything we have worked so hard for the last 14 years.
> 
> He told me I was supposed to be served early in the morning so that I would have plenty of time to get over it before I went to work Firday night! I mean really!!! How cold.
> 
> I dont know this person anymore. THanks for all the advice on here I really appreciate everyone who has responded. Now I have to learn to live without a man in my life. Its gonna be hard. Right now I'm fighting for my home so that my son will not have to move.


Wow, what a d***, pardon my words but that is awful that he lead you on to believe that he still wanted to save this marriage, you're better off without him!

I know it feels like the world is coming down right now, but hang in there, things will get better soon. Now you will at least have a chance to meet someone who can truly appreciate and love you on day.
Focus on getting yourself together for now, stay strong, better happier days are coming, better be alone than be in a lovelesss and emotionally abusive marriage. 
i wish you all the best *BIG BIG HUGS*


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## Confused42 (May 25, 2012)

I wanted to give everyone an update on my situation. Divorce papers were filed. Wewent to mediation and I came out smelling like a Rose. Our divorce was almost final. 

Then he calls me and wants to talk three weeks ago. He wanted to see if we could work things out. He cried like a baby stating he missed his family. He told me he loved me. And did like a 180 with this whole divorce thing. 

Now we have decided to see if we can reconcile. He is still not living at home. But its all been very weird. Sometimes he will not talk to me. Hes very forgetful about everything and acts like hes in a BIG FOG. I'm worried about his mental health. 

IF anyone out there has went through a MLC can you tell me how you felt?


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