# Losing Someone Who Is Still Alive



## endlessgrief

What you people in this forum are suffering is so powerful and painful, I feel sort of silly to post here but I view this as a loss, like someone really died.

My sister is 12 years my junior and I raised her from birth due to parent's opposite schedules. We did everything together, had the same sense of humor, talked for hours and hours, I truly viewed my sister as my favorite human on this earth. 

5 years ago, her boyfriend took his own life in front of her with a gun to the head. She hasn't been the same. It seems she has developed some form of Munchhausen's where she is constantly looking for sympathy about anything and everything. Her lying has increased to the point of ridiculousness. She brags constantly to make herself look good to others when she has no need to do so. I love her no matter what she does and doesn't do. 

Recently, I fell into a deep depression where I was housebound and she took this personally. She left me very mean and nasty messages on Facebook. She won't talk to me, she won't take my calls. She is very mean to her current boyfriend, treating him like a servant and then bragging about it. She cheats on him and says he is stupid he can't figure it out. 

What bothers me the most is that she was the one person I thought would be by my side through thick and thin. She acts like she hates me. 

Have any of you lost someone you loved while they were still alive? I have no skills to deal with this kind of grief? How do you grieve for the living? 

I have told her over the phone and in letters how much I miss her and want her back in my life and she reacts like luke warm water. Should I take this personally or let it go because the loss of her boyfriend changed her forever? Is my sister gone forever? I feel like she died and another meaner, sinister, selfish soul took over her body. Should I let her go to travel her own path? I refuse to beg someone to love me.

Again, I am sorry for posting this in here when you guys are struggling with REAL grief, but maybe some of you have some insights that will help me. From here, I see nothing but loneliness and never having a relationship with my sister and it breaks my heart.

Thank you all for reading this. God bless you.


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## lamaga

No, honey, you are struggling with real grief, don't minimize it.

I think the way you've framed it is actually quite healthy -- the sister that you knew and loved is dead. I am so sorry, both for you and for her, it looks as if this horrible tragedy really affected her emotionally and mentally.

I think you have to let her go for now. She may change, she may grow, she may get over this bad patch. She may not. You can continue to love her but not allow her to constantly be a negative influence on your life. It's kind of like someone who loves a drug addict, you have to let them go until they get clean.

How is your depression going? This certainly cannot help. I will wish for the best for you.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

sorry to hear this endlessgrief 

as sad and hard as it may be, sometimes you just have to let people go when they become toxic to you and your own well being. 
even if they are a close family member.

something happened to her inside her mind when that event happened. unfortunately i dont think there is anything anybody can do for her in that situation unless SHE decides to do something for herself. you cant make that happen.
people like her will bring down anybody else around them. you cant let that happen to you.


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## hurtnohio

What your sister went through was incredibly traumatic. It sounds like something inside of her died when that happened. This may be her way of venting her anger at - who? God? The world? Her family? It's hard to tell, but she sounds like she has a lot of anger. Deep down, she may even be angry with herself, possibly blaming herself for not loving her boyfriend enough to prevent his suicide. One of the stages of grief is anger. Sadly, I've seen people get stuck on angry and never move on in the grieving process. 

Whatever is going on there, is not your fault. Sometimes you have to let people hit rock bottom before they can recover. You need to tell her in no uncertain terms that her behavior toward you is not OK, and that you are feeling disrespected. If she refuses to change, you need to create some distance and let her find her own way.

I know it hurts. Don't minimize your own grief by believing grief is only for the dead. Any time you lose something that's special to you, you're going to grieve. Allow yourself to grieve.


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## rankinsmedic

Your sister is still the same person, but unfortunately, she had to go through a very traumatic experience. Like everyone else has said, please don't belittle the way you are feeling. There is nothing wrong with reaching out for someone to talk to. As a matter of fact, it's extremely responsible and admirable of you. Don't get angry with her. I know the things she's said and done are hurtful, but she's messed up right now. She's suffering and she may not know how to deal with that pain. None of this is your fault. She has to find the tools to deal with this situation, since most of us can't do it on our own. We try so hard to understand, but find ourselves falling short of the mark. Most likely she is combating depression and/or PTSD. Many times secondary victims of loss (like you and your sister) go through those conditions. PTSD and depression make you lose sight of the happy person you were. I know this from experience. I used to be suicidal, and I'm not going to lie, I've been having some of the same thoughts here lately. What she's going through, you may never be able to be a superhero and pull her out of it. That's not really your job. Your responsibility to your sister is to be supportive and a listener for when she's ready. Don't pressure her. Just wait for her to feel comfortable enough to open up about it. When she does decide to open up about it, I would recommend suggesting an anonymous online forum if she feels uncomfortable talking about it with a person. Forums like these kept me from pulling the trigger, myself. Maybe that's why I'm back in here.


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## chicka

I think your sister will turn to you in a time of need in the future when she needs a good shoulder to lean on. She's just going through something right now and you are not part of it. Maybe she feels like you don't understand and how could you. But at the same time this happened five years ago so its sad that its affecting her life so much still.


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## jh52

YOu have every right to feel the way you do -- so please do not think anything else about yourself.

Suicide destroys many lives --- and your sister witnessed that first hand. This event I believe has caused your sister to shut down emotionally -- and not give her heart to anyone -- including you or her new boyfriend -- because she is in fear that either you or her new boyfriend will leave her behind -- and thus wants to hurt you both first. Hope this makes sense.

She proabably someway blames herself for her old bf comitting suicide -- and doesn't not know how to forgive herself.

She needs help understanding this through IC -- 

Hopefully some day she will forgive herself --- and you can have your sister back.

Best of luck !!


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