# Uncle died, not included



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

I was seeing someone for about a year. Recently they have been distant because their uncle was sick and passing.

This has me very upset. I was not included in anything at all. Not invited to the ceremony of life, never allowed to visit him in the hospital. Nothing.

I broke up with my partner over this. The way I look at it, I should have been included at some point, not totally excluded. Am I wrong here? It ha been a year.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I understand that you were hurt. Did you try to talk to him about it?

People behave and react differently when it comes to illnesses and death. 

I'm 51, and I've never been to a funeral. I wasn't allowed to go when I was young and living with my parents, and the only person near me who's died recently was my grandmother. When that happened, I was in a remote spot in Alaska, so I didn't have the opportunity to go to hers either.

Last week, my dad found out he has cancer. I immediately wanted to see him, but he said no. He told me to carry on until he knew more.

So, not to be unkind, but it wasn't about you. Really, your role in that situation (as I see it) wouldn've been to offer support - if asked.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

xMadame said:


> Am I wrong here?


Yes. 100% in the wrong.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Yes, you are wrong, self-centered, selfish, and immature.

I'm incredulous you even asked.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

People feel differently about this. 

To me, a hospital is a place of horror. I would never go there except out of dire personal need, or as a duty to a loved one. I would never ask someone else to go because it is such a difficult request to refuse. 

I didn't have a funeral for either of my parents. To me (and to them) dead is well...dead. They always made it clear that when they died they wanted their bodies disposed of as easily as possible - and the same goes for me. I went to my wife's parents funeral because her feeling were different, but I would have preferred not to go.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Honestly madame do you honestly think that going out with someone for about 12 months automatically makes you part of the family? come on your just being petty now. what the hell you should have asked if you were included in the Will...you owe him an apology.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Was it a very small, private-type ceremony for the immediate family? Or was it a larger event at a church or funeral home where friends & family gathered?

If it was the first, then yes, you are wrong.
If it was the second, then I would say if you were in a very close, exclusive relationship that is committed etc, involved with each other's family and so on, then it would have made sense for you to be included.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Spicy said:


> If it was the second, then I would say if you were in a very close, exclusive relationship that is committed etc, involved with each other's family and so on, then it would have made sense for you to be included.


None of this says anything about her partners feelings in the whole ordeal. Doesn't matter if it was a million other people at the ceremony or five. Everyone is entitled to grieve however works best for them. If that means closing off for a bit to deal with it how they need to, so be it. 

The ability to turn your partner's family death into it all being about yourself means you really have no business in a LTR anyway. Someone dodged a bullet here. It wasn't OP


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Did you know the uncle? Did you ask to see him while he was sick?

I hesitate to say anyone is "wrong" to leave a relationship. It's a very personal decision and not one the rest of us are qualified to make.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

For some, death is private. For others, it isn't. If you knew the uncle extremely well, maybe he would have wanted you to be at the hospital but more likely he wouldn't. As to the service, maybe the family had a small family-only gathering. Or, if they didn't, then maybe your partner didn't want you to see them grieving. Who knows. It was their choice and they made it. Now it's your choice if you want them out of your life.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Its not about the time (one year), but the closeness of the relationship, amount of commitment, and type of services. I'm thinking you and he had differing views on whether or not your attendance would be as asset. 

You might want to make a nice memorial donation?


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

I never met the man. I was
the soul that jelt the family secrets.i just fee that as thar was dumped on me that it would have been find to ivnit ebt


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## Oceania (Jul 12, 2018)

xMadame said:


> I never met the man. I was
> the soul that jelt the family secrets.i just fee that as thar was dumped on me that it would have been find to ivnit ebt


*I never met the man.* I was the soul that held the family secrets. I just feel that as that was dumped on me that it would have been fine to invite me?
xMadame is the wording right?

You'd never met the man? Then why are you so upset? Did you think that knowing the family's secrets entitled you to automatic inclusion in everything else? Because you thought you were right in there with them?

Losing someone you love and who has been in your life for as long as you have been alive is life changing...to lose them _forever_ zeroes your world down to those who experienced that person's life _with_ you. To never see a beloved face again...they're _grieving_. So it may not have been a deliberate action on their part to exclude you.

If you felt excluded you could have said at the time 'I'm here if you need me' and left it at that. And just be there for him as a loving supportive partner because you care for him.

If you're upset, imagine what it must be like for him after his loss.

I hope it helps you understand where he may have been at.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

xMadame said:


> I never met the man. I was
> the soul that jelt the family secrets.i just fee that as thar was dumped on me that it would have been find to ivnit ebt
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


 Sweetie, and less you are the sun, you need to get used to the idea that the Earth does not revolve around you. Something in you needs to be fixed if you do not see how eminently self centered this is.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Maybe it was recognized you would have been more of an emotional drain than a source of support.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Cooper said:


> Maybe it was recognized you would have been more of an emotional drain than a source of support.


Exactly!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

xMadame said:


> I was seeing someone for about a year. Recently they have been distant because their uncle was sick and passing.
> 
> This has me very upset. I was not included in anything at all. Not invited to the ceremony of life, never allowed to visit him in the hospital. Nothing.
> 
> ...


You had a thread in February where you broke up with your partner because she was behaving badly with regards to your children and your interactions with your ex husband over the sale of your house.
Your previous partner was arrested in front of you while on a date for number of theft and breaches charges.
1.Fix your picker.
2.Get the math right.You broke up with one partner in February,seven months later you tell us you have been in a year long relationship.
Something isn’t adding up.....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

xMadame said:


> I never met the man. I was
> the soul that jelt the family secrets.i just fee that as thar was dumped on me that it would have been find to ivnit ebt
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


 @xMadame, Could you please repost? Tapatalk has rendered your words unintelligible.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Since you didn't know the uncle there would be no reason for you to be at the hospital when he was dying unless your partner specifically asked you to be. In other words, no expectations on your part. The service may have been very private or not but your partner didn't ask you, for whatever reason, to be there and that was their choice to make. Again, no expectations. 

Time to move on.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

When my folks passed the funeral was small. This was at the request of my parents. In fact, so small it was just one single friend of my folks. My siblings and W/H with grand kids who by and large in their teens or older. That's it. 

Families handle passing of family members in different types of ways. 

Let it go.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Yeah, it was difficult to message in the dark Sorry.
My biggest issue what that I was expected to invite myself to the hospital. I always put myself out there and asking what I could do to be supportive and then when I was told not to do anything I got a nice face plant saying I was not supportive.
Nothing I could do seemed right.
We had an argument about it last night and it was all my fault. I was expected to show up regardless. 
Very tiring. 


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

xMadame said:


> Yeah, it was difficult to message in the dark Sorry.
> My biggest issue what that I was expected to invite myself to the hospital. I always put myself out there and asking what I could do to be supportive and then when I was told not to do anything I got a nice face plant saying I was not supportive.
> Nothing I could do seemed right.
> We had an argument about it last night and it was all my fault. I was expected to show up regardless.
> ...



well that changes the narrative Madame....and i would call BS on that...and all he was doing was blame shifting...you were right to break up with him, he was a jerk...time to find some one else...sorry for my early comment


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Yeah… my posts would have been completely different if I had had this little tid bit of knowledge.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

xMadame said:


> Yeah, it was difficult to message in the dark Sorry.
> My biggest issue what that I was expected to invite myself to the hospital. I always put myself out there and asking what I could do to be supportive and then when I was told not to do anything I got a nice face plant saying I was not supportive.
> Nothing I could do seemed right.
> We had an argument about it last night and it was all my fault. I was expected to show up regardless.
> ...


Breaking up with him was the best option, I think.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

xMadame said:


> Yeah, it was difficult to message in the dark Sorry.
> My biggest issue what that I was expected to invite myself to the hospital. I always put myself out there and asking what I could do to be supportive and then when I was told not to do anything I got a nice face plant saying I was not supportive.
> Nothing I could do seemed right.
> We had an argument about it last night and it was all my fault. I was expected to show up regardless.
> ...


Not sure I understand this. What were you expected to show up at? You said you weren't invited to the ceremony in the OP.

I don't understand whether you were ever invited to the hospital, or ever asked to go.

It sounds like you asked how you could be supportive, which is good. Were you ever told how you could be? If so, what was asked/ what did you do?


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

I was expected by the family to go to the hospital before his passing but was not once invited to go. 
Because I was not asked to go, I did not go. I then got grief and drama inflicted on me because I did not go. I never met the man. 
It all just feels so insane. I am distancing myself because I dont know what to say or do and I am just beside myself with what I am suppose to do. 


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

xMadame said:


> I was expected by the family to go to the hospital before his passing but was not once invited to go.
> Because I was not asked to go, I did not go. I then got grief and drama inflicted on me because I did not go. I never met the man.
> It all just feels so insane. I am distancing myself because I dont know what to say or do and I am just beside myself with what I am suppose to do.
> 
> ...


Generally speaking when someone you have never met is in the hospital dying, the only people that should go uninvited are direct family members. Outside of that you did the correct thing by not going. You were just being respectful by honoring what was asked of you.

The time for non-family members to pay respects to those that are dying or have recently passed is during times requested for "receiving friends & family." This is generally announced alongside the obituary, or if the person is still alive and wants to see friends of the family then someone from the family will get in touch with you.

Now if there were funeral services that were _publicly announced_ along with receiving friends and family at the mortuary for anyone that you care about directly or indirectly, THAT you probably should have gone to.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

People react to death and dying differently. I for one don't like to go the visit people when they are dying unless, it's close family and people that I care about. It just would not feel good to me to visit a dying person that I don't care for or know.

I feel that is time for close family to be round their dying relative to give support and not a circus for everyone to attend. 

In case of death and dying don't expect an outright invite...you are hereby invited to visit Uncle Joe's deathbed sitting in on 9/9/2018 at 6 p.m...It's a show up to support family members with sandwiches and coffees and just say a quick prayer for Uncle Joe if you want to visit. I did this for my aunt's BIL when he was in a coma. I showed up at the hospital because my aunt by marriage told me her BIL was in the hospital and I know his kids. I did not want to visit his death bed but they took me in and I said a quick prayer for his soul. 

My sister has thyroid cancer...she is not doing well. She does not want me to go visit or see her. I speak to her when she can talk. Her husband would not call me to tell me what's going on because I know he is going thru hell.

Some people don't like people around them when they are going thru sickness. I am like that. So, I understand my sister's wishes. My H thinks that we are all so selfish and heartless. He does not understand that it would hurt my sister to see my pain. She is already going thru so much with her kids and husband, she does not need my pain added to her burden. So, maybe the dying man did not want people he did not know to visit him that's why your boyfriend did not insist you visit.

Some families don't mind big funerals. Others like to do their grieving with only loved one. Please don't feel bad and left out because you did not get an invite. 

I also feel like most non-celebrity families don't issue invites to funerals. Whomever wants to attend can do so of their own free will. If you were waiting for an invite and none was given, please don't feel bad about not attending. It's what you are comfortable with....I have been known to show up at funerals of acquaintances families because it was mention...I am fine with going to funerals of people I don't know. I just don't go to deathbed sitting ins. They creep me out....


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@xMadame. Forgive me if I have pegged you with somebody else, but I think that you keep being coy with the "them" when referring to your partner on your post. You left your husband and now you've been in homosexual relationships. This is very key to your predicament. A lot of people are not very comfortable with having relatives showing up to this type of events with their same sex partner. Could it be this is what's going on with your partner's relatives? 

Please, let us know.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

No. The person is openly gay with her family. If anything, I am the one more uncomfortable with everything. 

We had a discussion about everything and it all boiled down to placing the blame on me because I was sick for a few weeks in June and July.

So, I broke up with her and she got really upset with me. We live less than 5 km from each other and the hospital that her uncle was at is about 2 km from my place. We have spent no time together over the past 10 weeks and she knows that I am available, so now I am not and she can put the effort in. 


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I have never heard of inviting someone to a funeral. Do people do this?


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

NobodySpecial said:


> I have never heard of inviting someone to a funeral. Do people do this?




I would not go to the funeral of a person that was not of blood relation or that I did not have a solid relationship with unless I was asked to go. It is just a personal boundary.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

xMadame said:


> I would not go to the funeral of a person that was not of blood relation or that I did not have a solid relationship with unless I was asked to go. It is just a personal boundary.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Here is something to think about, for what it is worth. Where I am from, asking someone to go to a funeral is unheard of. One decides to pay their respects to the deceased or their family for themselves. If this is the case, your personal boundary is going directly up against expectations. It would be weird to then get mad at your significant other for not knowing this was your personal boundary.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

We discussed it and she admitted that she pushed me away over the summer while her uncle was ill. This has become a breaking point in the relationship now unfortunately. 


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

And now we are broken up.
I ended everything last night. 
I felt there was nothing left to hold on to and have no regrets about anything. I feel a sense of relief. 


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

Your last sentence tells you that you made the right decision.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

xMadame said:


> I was expected by the family to go to the hospital before his passing but was not once invited to go.


They expected you to go visit a guy you'd never met, but none of them invited you to go w/ them? That's not weird, that's crazy.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Rob_1 said:


> @xMadame. Forgive me if I have pegged you with somebody else, but I think that you keep being coy with the "them" when referring to your partner on your post. You left your husband and now you've been in homosexual relationships. This is very key to your predicament. A lot of people are not very comfortable with having relatives showing up to this type of events with their same sex partner. Could it be this is what's going on with your partner's relatives?
> 
> Please, let us know.


And if your partner takes the side of her bigoted relatives, time to move on.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

I am actually relieved that things have ended.
It has been a few days and the drama has ceased. I am not infested with pathetic text messages and my blood pressure has decreased. I have also come to the conclusion that I am not a lesbian, I am just lesbian friendly.
Cheersj



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