# Am I being unreasonable



## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

I want my husband to move out. Back story, he cheated with my sister in law about going on 4 years ago. I'm having problem moving on from this and trusting him. When I found out, He asked for forgiveness and came clean that was not his only transgression. It seemed he cheated with an girlfriend also. He was afraid that the sister in law would tell me this since he told her but never told me. He admitted that his relationship with the sister in law was never sexual but I don't believe him because how I found out and at the time I checked his work email and found that he had been looking at hotel.com. When I questioned him, he stated that he was going to surprise me with a trip and the sister in law was helping him. I know my husband and he had never had the desire to plan anything during our relationship and he's not that stupid that he'll need help booking a trip.
I feel that I forgave him too soon. I wanted to go to marriage counseling but he didn't so I went into counseling on my own for 4 months.
I'm the type of person whose love language is physical touch and his is act of service. He doesn't show me any type of affection outside the bedroom and I have brought this to his attention before and he is aware that I need this kind of intimacy and when I've bring it out in the past he had made the effort. Likewise, I make sure that I keep the house clean, make dinner every night, take care of the kids. We sleep in separate bedrooms ever since we had kids because the kids slept with us. Now, my ten year old is still sleeping with me and I have been trying to transition him into his own room. When he cheated and the pastor suggest that I write him a letter indicating what I needed from him one of the request was that we share the same bed on his off days because he wakes up at 4 in the morning for work and he had complained he wouldn't be able to get much sleep when he has to work. I capitulated to this request and it didn't work as he still didn't share a bed even on his off days.
Yesterday, I asked him how he thinks our marriage is doing and he said its going fine and if nothing ever changes it would be okay with him. I told him that its not fine for me and that I was unhappy. I was doing some snooping into his ipad and found out he still had the sister in law email information. I had noticed how nervous he looked when I was looking at the ipad and how he kept asking me if I was okay after I put the ipad down. I'm having these anxiety attacks and feeling as if he didn't stop his interaction with her and that they just went underground. I have no definite proof of this. 
When I told him that I wasn't happy and that I needed more intimacy with him, he blew up and told me can we not talk about this since it was his birthday. I was dumbfounded. I really don't think that he loves me any more but that he is just staying because of what society deems appropriate for what a husband/father would do.
I want him to move out. I'm tired of second guessing his feelings for me. He was having a relationship with my sister in law that went on for months and they didn't stop because they knew it was wrong but they supposedly stop because they found out. I also found out that he has an account on google "hangout" app and found out that through that app you can make phone calls to other people without leaving a record. When I questioned him about that he states he doesn't use it but I was able to send him a request since he has an account with them. 
He was suppose to be transparent in his email and found out that he has an icloud email account and I don't have that password nor do I have his password to his work email. He no longer keeps his phone lock so I've been able to go through it and found nothing.
Sorry this is so long, I'm just so frustrated by his lack of concern. Love shouldn't hurt this much.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

So he's not transparent and not willing to get marital counseling and wants to keep the status quo. All of those things tells me that he doesn't want change (as he stated) and he really isn't interested in doing anything that makes you feel better. Delete the app. See if he reinstalls it. If he were willing to be transparent he wouldn't be nervous about the iPad, he'd be willing to go to counseling - anything you want - but he's not willing to do anything to make you feel better about the marriage.

If you know divorce is what you want, and you don't live in a state that recognizes adultery, then see an attorney and bring home the paperwork (and a stack of boxes) and tell him what your settlement offer is with you keeping the house and tell him when you'd like for him to be gone. 



Side note and I know you didn't ask, but unless a couple works very hard to maintain intimacy, family beds don't work. Kids need to learn how to sooth themselves and got to sleep on their own. After separating I learned the hard way - I let my daughter (4) sleep with me because we were in a strange house and the divorce was hard for her. But eventually I realized I would want to share my bed with someone and she needed to be OK sleeping on her own. She needed a bedtime that was before mine but often she'd keep coming out for more water, bathroom trip, etc. until I went to bed. Of course then she'd be tired, grumpy and hard to wake the next day. 

Having your children in your bed made it difficult for you to have the sex life you needed and wanted and maybe he did, too, regardless of difference in schedule. I don't understand why his needing to get up at 4 kept him out of your bed? Was his bedtime much earlier than yours? If that were the case maybe the whole family should be in bed at 9 in their own beds - you'd have gotten pillow talk and affection and in the morning do chores before work instead of in the afternoon. Same # of hours in the day. But too late for any of that.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Boy there's a lot here, and we'll need more details over time, but I can say a few things about your initial post.

First, you rug swept the A with your SIL and now you are really beginning to deal with the true issue - which is trust. You are right to NOT be ok with this and you will continue to have trust issues until HE owns the problem and EARNS back the trust. That means full transparency in his part - access to phone, iPad, email, schedule, etc. it also means he always answers your questions about this and learns to accept that you will be triggered by various things from now on and his only response should be support.

He is not even close to earning your trust back.

Next - you made a mistake many mothers make and you replaced your H with your children. You may not see this yet but men will see this immediately. A marital bed is for you and your husband - not your children. You need to think about this and realize where you failed as a wife - I'm sorry to be harsh but men will lose their emotional connection to women if they aren't intimate - their are binding chemicals released during intimacy, and testosterone decreases after orgasm - many men are more emotionally available at this time.

Sounds like you both need serious MC if there is love remaining to be salvaged.

Sorry you're here


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

yes, I'll admit I rug swept the affair but when you have a partner who refuses to go to MC I didn't know what my options were. I don't know how I failed him as a wife as I've never once denied him when he wanted sex even at times when I really didn't want to. Ive always been HD in our relationship and I had considered him LD but maybe he just didn't want sex with me because after many rejections from him I've learn to just wait until he wants it instead of badgering him. Am I really stupid to think that if you love your wife, you would want to spend time with her and do activities with her. I don't even get a hug or a kiss unless its when he finishes his shower and is in my bedroom naked for sex and as soon as he's done he gets up wash and give me a peck on my forehead and leaves to go to his room for sleep. There is only so much time I could tell him that this is a problem for me that I don't sound like some whiny *****.


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## MovingFrwrd (Dec 22, 2015)

Sorry you're here. The fact that he's nervous as you look through the iPad is worrisome, I'll err on the positive side and say he may have been worried that you would trigger about something. The less than positive side is there is something hiding there that he doesn't want you to see. The multiple transgressions, one with family (!), would make me hyper-vigilant regarding all areas of his life for quite some time.

I strongly suggest he find a way to go to counseling with you. Outside of expressing yourself and your needs in a calm way, the only other thought I have to getting him to attend counseling is issuing an ultimatum. That may be out of your comfort zone, and will probably put a lot of stress on the relationship. However, it does appear you two need something to kick past this stagnancy you are experiencing. He's happy, because I'm assuming he feels the relationship has been 'stable' and nobody's been rocking the boat, or at least he's getting what he wants out of it and doesn't want that to change. He's clearly not meeting the needs you express in your relationship. Granted, his Bday was probably less than perfect timing for a talk like this, but there rarely is good timing.

FWIW, anxiety attacks regarding past indiscretions is a normal thing. You are right, you probably forgave too soon without him showing the proper remorse and effort needed to start down the path of regaining trust. It's a looong road if you two can handle it. But HE needs to man up for you, and for your family. A lot of damage has been done, and swept away vs. being dealt with, and the residual effects are rearing their ugly heads.

Cheaters rarely, if ever, stop because they know it's wrong, so don't beat yourself up with that thought. Either they lose interest, or they stop when it's found out and they stand to lose everything they held dear. Some can't stop even then. If you've been around this board for any length of time, you know about the 'fog' the adulterer enters when they engage in an affair.

But to answer the question originally posed - no, you're not being unreasonable.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

The only place I said you failed as a wife is in sharing your marital bed with your child instead of your H. BTW he failed you as well by allowing this.

Men will often get the message loud and clear that the child has priority over then and then distance themselves. I did that too even though we have a good relationship with 30+ years together. My W - like almost all moms I've known - was very happy to be a mom and didn't realize what it meant to me. I, in turn, seeing her happiness in motherhood, took a back seat.

The problem is that over time, distance is created and I've read many, many threads here where neither the W or H really identified that this was the cause of distance in their marriage (me neither). It's gradual and not obvious, but once distance begins emotionally, it takes real change and action to re-establish those connections.

Your LD h and separate beds has greatly amplified this problem.

On the surface it looks like it's all on the H and he is not engaged - I am simply suggesting you find out if the LD nature and emotional detachment aren't driven by his desire to protect himself emotionally and his belief that you are content sleeping with the child instead of him.

I can't imaging letting this happen in my marriage, but I know my SIL had a "family bed too" and her H is really no longer emotionally there either and she's miserable.

So maybe my BIL and your H are distant guys who really don't want to put in the effort to be a good H and are content with a roommate who cares for the kids and house (not ruling this out BTW) or these are normal reactions when a H is replaced by the kids

I honestly don't know. I mostly feel for my SIL, then I start to wonder what message she's sending her H


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

When cheaters say it wasn't sexual, that's always a lie. It's always sexual. As for you being unreasonable? No, of course not. Cut this cheater loose and save yourself. He's a repeat offender and can never really be trusted.....ever.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

if you are absolutely sure you want him out then, rather than tell him. Go speak to a lawyer and get the papers ready to serve him. When you have the papers, hand them to him so he knows you mean business.

Next, get your child out of your bed. I too made the mistake and kept my kids with me until the turned 4. We had sex once in 6 weeks or 6 months. Depends on how long we let it go. Our marriage was very strained and we were just existing in it. My H had things he did and I spent my free time with my kids, housework and working overtime. Just so I did not have to deal with him and dealing with our problems. 

It's only after we moved the kids into their beds and me asking my H to stop doing the things he was doing did we start working on our marriage again. 

You also, need to figure out how deep the relationship between him and SIL is. Speak to your brother and voice your feelings.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

maritalloneliness said:


> yes, I'll admit I rug swept the affair but when you have a partner who refuses to go to MC I didn't know what my options were. I don't know how I failed him as a wife as I've never once denied him when he wanted sex even at times when I really didn't want to. Ive always been HD in our relationship and I had considered him LD but maybe he just didn't want sex with me because after many rejections from him I've learn to just wait until he wants it instead of badgering him. Am I really stupid to think that if you love your wife, you would want to spend time with her and do activities with her. I don't even get a hug or a kiss unless its when he finishes his shower and is in my bedroom naked for sex and as soon as he's done he gets up wash and give me a peck on my forehead and leaves to go to his room for sleep. There is only so much time I could tell him that this is a problem for me that I don't sound like some whiny *****.


A big problem here is that you're meeting all of HIS needs, regardless of whether he meets any of yours. If you're not going to kick him out, I suggest a couple of things. 

First, tell him that because you're so unhappy about him not meeting your need for attention and affection, you no longer want to have sex with him. Tell him you know he's perfectly capable of LEARNING how to show affection, he simply doesn't feel the need to since you're making sure all his needs are met; and you can't do that any more. So until he learns how to talk and listen to you, snuggle on the couch, go on dates, hold hands, give and receive massages...any number of things he could be doing if he cared, you don't care to be intimate with him any more. 

Second, figure out which 'acts of service' he most cares about, and stop doing one or more of them (I suggest to stop doing his laundry first). When he barks at you and blames you, just shrug and say 'I told you my needs aren't being met; so it's unfair to me that I continue to meet all YOUR needs while you don't even try to meet mine. I had to do something to make myself feel better about being ignored, so I chose to stop doing ABC for you. You want that to change back the way it was? Start talking to me about what *I* want; maybe once you start meeting my needs, I'll feel more inclined to meet yours.'

This is about respect. He doesn't have to respect you because you basically are his slave/mother/maid/hooker, no matter what he provides. Teach him to respect you.

And there's no reason a 4 year old should still be in your bed.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

@turnera - it's a 10-year-old not a 4-year-old.

That makes a huge difference, don't you think?

I doubt OP is meeting H's needs and I know he's not meeting hers.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

TheTruthHurts said:


> @turnera - it's a 10-year-old not a 4-year-old.


:surprise:

What?!

What the hell are you doing with a 10 year old in your bed?

No wonder your H is pissed off.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

I've been working on getting him out of my bed and this came about because my son was a sickly, small baby and I was nervous of leaving him in his nursery and I was working the night shift. Believe me, I would do it differently knowing what I know now. 
Well, anyway I took turnera's advice and refused to have sex with him tonight. I couldn't believe he even wanted to have sex tonight. When he came home, even though I'm pissed off with him, I still had dinner on the table, cleaned up and took care of the kids and prepare his lunch for him for tomorrow since he's staying late at work. 
He came to my room and asked me why I was unhappy. I told him about needing to feel closer to him and how he doesn't show me any affection outside of sex. He went on to talk about all the projects that he is working on in the house and that he's extremely busy but he will make more of an effort. 
We proceeded to lay in bed and talk and cuddle which made me feel better and then he brought up the fact that he's going to be working over the next two days and if wanted to do "something ". I told him that I wasn't in the mood and he brought up that it has been a week. I have never said no to him except when I was on bed rest during the pregnancies. Now, I'll have to see how things progress.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

OP wait for @turnera's thoughts. It's one thing for a H to not meet your needs with a 4 year old in your bed and another with a 10-year-old.

Personally I think you both need together quality and hugging time - and giggidy 
crazy passionate sex time. I honestly think you both need to bring everything emotionally and physically to the table and connect on each other's terms.

I'm really glad you guys talked and bonded. I wouldn't make sex a bargaining chip at this point - rather go all in sexually and ask him to go all in emotionally. It sounds like he might be receptive to that and I think you would be too.

Talk to him. Tell him what you need and ask him what he needs. Agree ahead of time that honesty is completely allowed and you're both safe being honest - but blaming and resentment have to be put aside for these conversations. Those can come in MC with a moderator if one of you doesn't feel you've been able to state your point of view.

When I stressed my relationship and put my needs for daily sex on the table - after years of random sex - we both were adamant that the past would stay there. It's rug sweeping - but it's mutual - and we both desperately wanted to reconnect. She was ashamed that she didn't know what I needed and I was guilty of letting things slide too. 

All I'm saying is tough love is often called for - but if a win-win is offered - take it.

A successful marriage happens when both peopke look out for the other. Hopefully you can make that happen.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

BTW H's talk about all the projects he's working on sounds to he like him saying "hey I've been putting in effort too and this is my contribution" so I'm not sure he's as checked out as tou might think


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

OP one more thing - though it should be obvious but for some reason it's not to many - guys just want their ego stroked sometimes. It's primal but it is what it is. If he's doing projects around the house that's a guys way of taking care of you and he might not feel you acknowledge it - like he doesn't acknowledge your efforts. Could be a huge communication failure.

Sorry to be polyanna if it's nothing so basic


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You know, I'm the first to hold a husband's feet to the fire, but when a woman has warped her sense of reality SO far that she believes it's a normal marriage to have a 10 year old in the marital bed...

the wife needs a 2x4 upside the head.

OP, unless your child is terminally ill and you only have days/weeks left with her, there is NO reason to have a 10 year old in the bed of you and your husband.

THAT is YOUR derailment of your marriage.

I'm not saying your H is a saint.

But you keeping your 10 year old in your bed is JUST WRONG.

And it is the death knell to your marriage.

Your husband, your children, YOU need to get your child out of your marital bed.

Fix THAT first. 

THEN come back and talk about your marriage.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

turnera said:


> You know, I'm the first to hold a husband's feet to the fire, but when a woman has warped her sense of reality SO far that she believes it's a normal marriage to have a 10 year old in the marital bed...
> 
> the wife needs a 2x4 upside the head.
> 
> ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So what are you going to do about it?

THIS week?


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

The derailment of the marriage stem from the fact that my husband decided to f*** another woman. I will not take that stupid notion that I'm responsible for him not keeping his marital vow. I've blame myself enough. My needs are not being met and I'm not running to the arms of other men to fill them. The issue of our child sleeping in the bed if it was an issue for him, he should have discussed this with me as I too felt that he was too old for that .


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Just stop.

I get that you're emotional but there is no reason to try to justify your position now.

Yes I get the protective mom thing - we tried 10 years and did several pregnancy related procedures to conceive. Finally succeeded after IVF but almost lost wife to bleeding that resulted in surgery that halted PIV sex for a decade. Plus 7 amnios in one pregnancy due to RH factor and resulting twins in ICU. Plus now I have a blood cancer. Blah blah blah

You're not alone in having issues. Half the people here can cite stuff like I did.

In spite of life you have a marriage. Tend to it and stop defending poor decisions in the past.

Yeah and maybe H is a d0uchbag and you want a divorce. Then get one. But don't pretend having your kid in your bed for 10 years was anything other than a bad decision in hindsight.

Marriage is about admitting and letting go of mistakes and making decisions that further your partnership.

End soapbox


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

I was just giving past context to the decision that led to our child being in the bed. Justifying what? I've already admitted that it's wrong and I don't think attacking my parenting decisions is helping me. Plus, I don't own a soapbox, lol.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

maritalloneliness said:


> I was just giving past context to the decision that led to our child being in the bed. Justifying what? I've already admitted that it's wrong and I don't think attacking my parenting decisions is helping me. Plus, I don't own a soapbox, lol.


That's just it - it's your marital decisions I'm discussing, not your parenting. And giving honest feedback on why your marriage is where it is - on a marriage site - is kind of what we do here.

Do you typically take feedback that conflicts with your views as "attacks"? Maybe your H disengages if you respond this way to him. Something to consider...


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

It sounds to me that when he came to talk with you and tell you about his projects, he was demonstrating love - in HIS love language. So that was a nice effort to connect with you but he has to do it in YOUR love language. Can you state what you need? Maybe you need to tell him you want to start out with a kiss goodbye every morning or holding hands while watching TV or something like that. Be very specific - men need/want direct communication vs. a blanket "more affection".


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

There is no conflict as I agreed with her assessment.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

EnjoliWoman said:


> It sounds to me that when he came to talk with you and tell you about his projects, he was demonstrating love - in HIS love language. So that was a nice effort to connect with you but he has to do it in YOUR love language. Can you state what you need? Maybe you need to tell him you want to start out with a kiss goodbye every morning or holding hands while watching TV or something like that. Be very specific - men need/want direct communication vs. a blanket "more affection".


Thank you. I'm starting to realize this. After all these years, I guess that he would know what I need because we've discussed this so much. After reading love language and I came aware of what his needs are I'm trying to meet them . He didn't read the book with me. I guessed at his love language by asking him questions related to the book. He's not much of a reader. I don't want to be passive in how I communicate my needs to him but I will write them down for him as a reminder. 
Before the affair, I used to lavish him with attention by calling him to see how his day was going, I used to send him security texts to let him know that I was thinking of him but perhaps he didn't appreciate this because it wasn't the way he needed to be loved by me. It's how I wished he would do for me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

maritalloneliness said:


> The derailment of the marriage stem from the fact that my husband decided to f*** another woman. I will not take that stupid notion that I'm responsible for him not keeping his marital vow. I've blame myself enough. My needs are not being met and I'm not running to the arms of other men to fill them. The issue of our child sleeping in the bed if it was an issue for him, he should have discussed this with me as I too felt that he was too old for that .


I didn't say it's your fault he cheated. I said you need to get your child out of your bed. Unless your son has a physical or mental issue that prevents you treating him like a regular ten year old kid, the only reason he's still in your bed is that you two, as parents, aren't exerting your power as parents. Watch some Super Nanny episodes to see what I mean. Nearly every episode has parents who 'can't' get their kids to sleep in their own beds.

There are many reason spouses don't discuss what's bothering them. I'm sure at first your H thought it was for the best, and I'm also sure he never dreamed that child would still be in the bed 10 years later. Men don't typically have the kind of mothering instinct that women do; they want a marital bed to be just that. We women are notorious for replacing the man/woman part of their lives with the kids.

Please understand I'm in no way saying you should accept what HE is doing. I'd be kicking him out if he was my husband. I'm just saying that IF you want to stay married, you need to address this; remember that you two at one time were romantically involved, wanted to be together, enjoyed being together. 

Men are pretty simple (no offense, guys) - they want a wife who wants to be with him, who's fun to be around, and who admires him - oh and who wants lots of sex. If you two could somehow get back to that - assuming his issues are dealt with, and assuming he becomes the husband YOU need - you could have a good future together.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

maritalloneliness said:


> Thank you. I'm starting to realize this. After all these years, I guess that he would know what I need because we've discussed this so much. After reading love language and I came aware of what his needs are I'm trying to meet them . He didn't read the book with me. I guessed at his love language by asking him questions related to the book. He's not much of a reader. I don't want to be passive in how I communicate my needs to him but I will write them down for him as a reminder.
> Before the affair, I used to lavish him with attention by calling him to see how his day was going, I used to send him security texts to let him know that I was thinking of him but perhaps he didn't appreciate this because it wasn't the way he needed to be loved by me. It's how I wished he would do for me.


My LL is having a nice home. I need my H to provide that. Yet I married someone who always lets our house fall apart. So...35 years of frustration. His LL is looking/smelling good. So for almost 30 years, I'd give him tools and supplies as gifts, hoping he'd fix the house. And he'd give me jewelry, perfume, clothes. Neither of us got what we wanted. We were both miserable. When I finally figured this out, I started giving him clothes and cologne and jewelry. Our DD25 finally got him to understand that I really DID want a weedeater for Christmas, or new flooring, etc., and he finally started giving me such things. We are SO much happier now, now that we've stopped trying to make the other person into what WE are, lol.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

@turnera I got my W a nice oak FILING CABINET on one of our first Christmas' together. We were dating and I got the same one for my sister. Yeah, ladies, you need to be patient and teach a guy how to understand these basic things. It still comes up from time to time. I think it was about 1984 ha ha


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

TTH, my #1 wish I've had all my life is for bookshelves. Built-in bookshelves, if possible. My dad built wall-to-wall bookshelves for our house when I was growing up, so that's a real desire for me.

Never got 'em. And I could never afford to buy them myself, except for the cheap kind. H always finds a way around getting them for me. We went to Ikea a couple weeks back and I showed him the $200 bookcase I wanted to put in our guest room so I could start getting the house organized, and I was wishing and hoping he'd buy it. Instead, he decided to move the shelves from our den into the bedroom. Well, thanks, but I still don't have more storage. *Sigh.* As soon as I get a job again, I'm gonna go buy it myself.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

Ok, last night my son slept in his own room. Yay! It wasn't easy as he kept making up things that would cause me to come and see about him. I think once he saw I was serious about it and his father was in the bed didn't leave much of an option for where he was going to sleep. 

Now, the husband was acting like he was walking "dead man walking". I didn't give him much of a choice as I told him sleeping in the same bed would strengthen our marital bond. With that statement I got the eye rolling. 

It felt awkward to say the least. He kept changing positions . I tried to cuddle with him and he was just stiff and he didn't even put his arms around me. Finally, I scooted to my side of the bed. Attempted to start a conversation with him and with his one word answers I could tell he didn't want to talk.

Is this too much of effort with him? I keep asking myself this question over. He tells me he wants to work on the marriage but his nonverbal actions say otherwise.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Agree with all others assessments of the predicament. 

He needs to own the fact that he chose to cheat instead of speak up to you about this major parenting choice you have made a habit. His emotional coping skills are flawed. And he needs to own his sole responsibility for choosing to cheat. The affair is not your fault. His choice. BUT..... 

You for what ever reason grasped onto VERY flimsy excuses to keep your child in bed with you for years. A 10 year old or even a 6 year old is MUCH too old to sleep with mommy and daddy, unless it is some sort of crisis or terminal issue. 

I am not saying you are abusive intentionally, but can you imagine how this could have impacted not just your marriage but your son? 

I absolutely applaud your attitude at this point. Shows growth and better insight and understanding. I only bring up the issues with your son and encourage therapy. So please, don't think I'm laying into you, I'm just brining up a possible issue and how you can approach that. 

I think with this change in sleeping arrangements you can better sort your feelings and also meet each others needs better. By no means does that mean you are all going to just get better. It takes time and willingness to work through all the problems that come up. 

You are doing good.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Excellent progress!

Now here's where I'll tell you to move forward as though your H has said he wants to save the marriage, you act as though you agree, and do the things that a reconciliating couple would be doing, like cuddling in bed.

To a point.

It will take him a while to get used to the new dynamics; remember it's been a LONG time since you two have been husband and wife - he can't change overnight. What he needs from you is confidence, respect for yourself, and the awareness that you will NOT stay with him unless he re-engages with you.

Now you have to give him a certain amount of time, you need to be 100% honest with him about where you are with the marriage, and what you expect from him.

Remember that he is, basically, on audition. You are assessing whether you will choose to stay married to him after what he did. He needs to know this. He needs to see you respecting yourself and TOTALLY unwilling to let him rugsweep what he did - or you will walk.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Treat hm like a man and not a child. 


Give him a chance to see that this is real.

Make no ultimatums and dont order him around.

A man needs to be respected and admired. If you are truly showing him respect and admiration in sure he will respond.

Respect and admiration aren't the result of a one-day change in who sleeps in your bed.

Great job BTW.

So... What to do? Sleep with your H for the next month, attempt to snuggle, show affection, show some level of deference to him...

Then see what happens. He needs to know you're serious and he won't get hurt if he allows himself to be emotionally available to you. Right now he's not open to your efforts, that's all,

Remember men and women are different. Men often don't have access to their emotions like women do and don't even interpret them correctly a lot if the time. So cut him some slack, make your changes, and invite him to accept them.

Btw I'm not saying it's fair for you to have to lead emotionally, I'm just saying that's what it is and if you want to give your marriage a chance this is what's necessary IMHO


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