# All messed up



## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

I apologize in advance for the length of this.

Four weeks ago, I found out that my wife of 22 years had an affair with a guy she works with. His wife told me. When I confronted her, she denied they had sex, but insisted they had just made out. A woman of 49 rarely makes out, I'm guessing.
At the same time, she told me she didn't love me anymore. Didn't see that coming. She couldn't tell me how long she'd felt that way.
The next morning, I called the OM, and he confirmed the affair. I was able to tell him how I felt about him and what they'd done. How they had hurt me and his wife. He choked up and apologized. I quickly called her and told her what I'd found out. Exposed, she admitted it.
I have been losing my mind for the past four weeks. She works a couple of weeks of days and a couple weeks of nights. When she was working days, we slept together, holding each other. We even had sex twice. She was able to tell me she loved me once.
Let me add that she has been working seven twelve hour days a week for about two weks. That would kill me. She works, comes home to sleep, and rushes back to work. The OM is now in another area far away, and she assures me she isn't seeing him. I check her phone, which isn't foolproof, but there's nothing. His wife is doing the same on her end.
She is so emotionally ruined right now. I feel horrible for her, but I feel sorry for myself. I adored her for 22 years. I worked while she raised our children for 18 years. She loves horses. We bought a farm and I built barns and fences for her. She knew I wasn't into horses, but I did these things to make her happy because it made me happy. I worked with the horses, trimming their hooves, etc, and would watch her train them, expressing my pride in what she'd learned.
The downside : I had a problem with sex. Not a sexual problem per se, but I would get upset when she turned me down. I looked at it as though she didn't love me if she didn't want me. It wasn't all the time, but a couple of times a week. This problem has gotten better over the years.
I had an emotional affair 14 years ago because of the above mentioned problem. It didn't get physical, but she always thought it did. She has had to deal with this for 14 years. 
When she told me of her affair, I assured her that If I had slept with the other woman, that I would use that to hurt her now so she could feel like I did. She finally believed me.
She goes between wanting to work on it to "What if I just stay and give up what I want out of life?", to loving our farm and not wanting to leave it and our dreams. I have been in counselling alone for 3 weeks. She just asked me to make her an appointment today for her. I have no false hopes that this is anything but over. I'm so sad. My time with her has been the happiest part of my life. It saddens me to think that it was just me, and that all of my happy memories of us together are just dust and smoke.
I've told her that I'm willing to work on it aggressively. Asked her to tell me what she wants, and I'll give her what I can, but I also told her to realize that I don't trust her, and may never fully trust her again.

Anybody have an idea on this? Any questions to make this clearer? I know that the ball is in her court, but I'm still trying to be open as much as I can.


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

We talked again this morning when she got home from work. She expressed remorse for screwing up our life and losing everything she loves. I told her that the affair would qualify her for losing everything, as she gave it all up the minute she started with him.

I told her that I was so sad for us and all we had lost. I was sad for what we never had. She tried to tell me that it wasn't all a lie, that there were good times, and maybe we could work it all out.
Told her again that I was sad for me, but mostly right now, I'm sad and worried about her. I asked if I could hold her for a few minutes. She said she was just about to ask me to. We lay in bed and held each other as we cried. There was no begging. I cried for her, and she cried for whatever reasnons she has.

I know this is over. I don't want it to be. I feel like we built a life together here. I want to rebuild it and have some semblance of it back. I'm scared to hope for any of that, but my heart still does.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Castingabout.... I really don't know what to say...But I wanted you to know that 'someone' has read your post...and I really feel for you.
Nothing I can say will make you feel any better only that the end of a marriage is like death and grieving. There are quite distinct phases you go through...disbelief, denial, anger etc....I promise you, you WILL get over this...sooner or later....


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

Thank you. I just don't know what to do, or what I can do.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

For what its worth - deep deep down, do you want to save your marriage? No Bull$hit now...be honest.

If the answer is no, then all I can suggest (and I know its alot easier said than done) is to get on with bringing the whole thing to an amicable end as soon as possible.

If the answer is yes...(and it takes two to tango), then forgive (you'll never forget) and move on together.

This might sound pathetic, but the two of you lying together crying in each others arms sort of sends a united message...either yes or no....


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

I really do want to save it. We have worked so hard to build our place. I don't mean for that to sound materialistic. It's more than property. It was a belief. We have a pile of horses. She rescued horses and helped horse people with their problems. We had friends over from time to time, having big bonfires and music sessions out in the bar. We had fun. People thought we were great together, and so did I. I felt so lucky to be one of the few who were as happy together as we were.
I think of our children being born, and the trials of life we have endured together. We worked so hard. I could just think about her during the hardest day, and feel better. That sounds so pathetic, I know. I realize that the only real view I can see is mine, and that wasn't real, only one side of the mirror.

She is starting counseling Monday with the same person I'm going to. She asked to do this. That's encouraging, but I'm so afraid to hope. 
I realize that I need to prepare myself for it being over. I'm trying, but still holding onto hope, and that's so conflicting. This consumes my every thought, and it's exhausting me in every way.

I'm off work this week. I'm headed out to feed horses. Got some work on the barn planned, and the tractor needs attention if it's going to mow thise pastures this summer. Got a feed delivery to make. Staying busy helps, but doesn't make it go away. I guess it's better than sitting in one spot and immersing myself in this. I just have no control over the situation, and I feel absolutely helpless.

I need to add that it's not really about the farm. I'd be happy to live with her anywhere. She has been the happy half of my life. I love her so much, and hate what's happening to us.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Whoa! Stop thinking your marriage is over. Instead take a positive approach and begin thinking that way. It is amazing what power lies within positive thoughts. 

As a person who has lost a marriage, I see a lot of promise in your situation. Your wife is no longer seeing the other man. Unfortunately, it is going to take a while for her to get past the emotions associated with the affair. Furthermore, your wife asked to go see your therapist. It really sounds as though she wants to work on the marriage. That's far more than most of us get.

In the meantime start reading some books on marriage/self help, and the power of positive thinking. _The Five Love Languages_ by Gary Chapman is a great place for you and your wife to begin.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You've got to tell her what you need and what you want to do, Casting.


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

Thank you for your replies. I am trying to see the positive sides of things, but I'm scred to hope it will work out, even though I want it to. This has hurt so much already.

While I'm scared that it's over, I also fear working on it. If she didn't love me for however long she didn't, after all of the ways I tried to please her, how will she ever love me now? I know we had gotten stale over the years, but we still had fun together. I don't want to spend the rest of my life kissing her butt and hoping she's happy with me, but I do want to spend the rest of my life with her.
Until this happened, she was the best person I ever knew. I still believe she is that same person, she just screwed up. She's been working 12 hour days since October. This is her first real job that she's ever felt good about. The hours are long, and the pace gruelling, but she's good at what she does. Our life has just slipped away in the process.
I realize that there's a chance she doesn't mean all that she says. Maybe she had a skewed view of marriage and thought of it as something other than a compromise. I know I'm very worried about her both physically and mentally. I'm worried for both of us.
To my knowledge, she was never unfaithful before. She was with our children from birth on up, and our oldest will soon turn 20. I've never had any reason to not trust her. I really want to work this out, but am trying to keep myself and her from going crazy in the process.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

“You say we are on the brink of destruction and you're right. But it’s only on the brink that people find the will to change. Only at the precipice do we evolve.”

~A quote from Edmund North's 1951 screenplay, The Day The Earth Stood Still.

I think your situation and the results could be a matter of what you both do with the experience.

In a few select situations, the experience of infidelity can act a a gift. It's not is a gift I would wish on anyone, but if you both use the experience and your trip to the precipice as an opportunity to grow and appreciate one another that much more... You may have the unique opportunity to leave this journey with a stronger marriage, and a deeper understanding of how much you love one another. That is your choice.

What is the saying? "You never know how much you love someone until they’re gone."

Your wife has given you a something that I don't know that you could have ever understood had you not "walked a mile in her shoes"... a peak at what it would mean to lose her and an idea what type of mental & emotional pain that she may have felt when you had an affair all those years ago, and what type of pain, fear and doubt she may have carried quietly all these years. Obviously, I don't think it was her intention to "teach" you a lesson. But, if you use this experience as exactly that... Perhaps this doesn't have to be the worst thing that has happened to you.

I will guarentee you, if you choose to use this experience as a lesson and you both understand how close to the precipice you really were... You will never take for granted what you have had all these years? perhaps you both evolve together?


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

I do see this a wake up call. Granted, it was a strong kick to the head. I probably wouldn't have taken it seriously if she'd just told me before she slept with the other man.
When she woke up this afternoon, I had nothing but good intentions and loving feelings, and it ended up in an argument. I was trying to make her feel like I wanted to and put my feelings on her. So she said. I am not sure why I'm in the wrong for being the hurt party here. 
She called me on her way to work top tell me that the son of a friend of hers knows of a house for rent, and she's looking into it. Part of me wants to pack hewr clothes, toothbrush, comb, vibrator, etc. into a box, put it at the end of our driveway, and chain the gate shut, along with a n ote that says "You weren't concerned when you were f***king him how things would turn out. Deal with it now." The rational part of me realizes she doesn't have anywhere to go and feels bad for her.
Every time I see her, I either get false hope, or hurt. Damnit, I hurt so bad! She let me live a lie for years, and then screwed another guy to add insult to injury. On the one hand, I feel bad for her for pretending with me for so long. On the other hand, I'm so mad with her for doing it.

She has tomorrow night off, and has a Dr. Appt in town. She wants the three of us (She, our daughter and I ) to go. That;s what she said before the screaming started this evening, anyway.
On a sad note: I was fixing her cooler for work tonight, getting water bottles together and whatnot. This was after the screaming, which my daughter heard. I'm teary and working on the cooler. My daughter is sitting in the living room saying "Dad! Stop! Dad! STOP IT! LEAVE IT ALONE!!!"
My daughter doesn't know about the affair. It would ruin her relationship with my wife. She (Daughter) feels very strongly about infidelity and is very close to me. I don't want her to side with me on this against her mother. We live in a small community. I've already been contacted by strangers on facebook about the affair, and think my wife should come clean to her before she hears of it from a stranger like I did. I don't know what I'll do if she asks me about it.

Why does this have to be so damn hard? Why can't she do like I did and try to make it up?


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Why do you feel bad for her?! She is the one that tossed away the sanctity of your marriage. Stop doing that.

My wife and I both went through affairs. It can work out. Read this
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/18394-recovering-infidelity-2.html#post281609
It's a short version, you can pm me if I can help.

I think that one thing that you need to do is "man up" and quit feeling sorry for your wife.


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

Now friends are sending me messages to come to their house and get away. I don't want to leave. Wife won't be home until 8AM. I have all night to stress over this. I'm feeling worthless. I hate this so much!

Pathetic and whining doesn't sit well with me, but I can't seem to rise above it when I'm alone with my thoughts.


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

DanF said:


> Why do you feel bad for her?! She is the one that tossed away the sanctity of your marriage. Stop doing that.
> 
> My wife and I both went through affairs. It can work out. Read this
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/18394-recovering-infidelity-2.html#post281609
> ...


 Thank you, Dan. Thanks for sharing your story. I realize that I need to "tuck my slip up" and get strong. I'm just so exhausted, and I can't get over my feelings of caring for her. How can you be so angry and yet still care?
I read earlier today about the 180 plan. Parts of it sound good, but how much of it will come across as not caring and ultimately put an end to what I want? I guess I don't have much of anything now but a complicated situation that would be easier for her (And me) to walk away from than it would be to fix.


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

First of all, your wife is not you! That is why she can't just make it up to you. Do you think maybe she has harbored resentment of the affair you had years earlier? Do you think she felt the same way you do now? Did you address the issues of your marraige after your affair and what led you to do it? Did you make changes then that your wife agreed with you on? I am not being snotty, but my hubby had an emotional affair and and I found out by accident on my birthday. I was devastated. I held it in for years. Then I turned forty and thinking is this what my life is supposed to be? A hubby I can't trust, that was my best friend. It really hurt. Over the years, I have let things run for fear of tipping the boat with two kids with special needs. 

Maybe your wife felt that way and even though you felt you had made it up and all was forgiven,maybe she didn't feel that way. There are different ways that people interpret love. If their needs are not met, they choose to live their lives in different ways. For some, they stay quiet and don't talk about it, some sit their significant other down and talk about it and they agree to make necessary changes,others blow up and the spouse feels like they had no idea. 

I think you should go to marraigebuilders.com and look up affaircare on here and there. Wonderful,wonderful advice. You do not need to whine and grovel,but you do need to make some changes. Find out why your wife felt that way. why did you have the affair? Why did you go outside the marraige? You both need to be brutally honest with each other,even if it hurts. It all needs to come out before both of you can heal. Not just the affair,but your marraige. 

I wish you all the best. Stay positive. Get all the info you can from the info I gave you. They will tell you the necessary steps. Number one rule,never fight in front of the child. She should not have to choose either of you. This is a situation between you and your wife. Make a mental note to walk away ifyou feel explosive or about to create an argument. Right now, you are still in shock and things might be said that you or your wife can not take it back in the heat of the argument. Stay strong,I know it hurts,but you can can make it work! Just keep working at it and learning from it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

Thank you for your help, Tamara. I'd like to thank everyone. It's crazy, I guess, but being here helps keep me from thinking negatively about this. It makes me feel like I'm doing something positive anyway.
I'll check out marriagebuilders and keep reading here. I need all of the peace of mind I can get right now.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

C have you read about recovering from an affair on this site? The statement of the disloyal spouse not loving the loyal spouse is an attempt by the DS to deflect guilt and re- invent history. It is a common practice of cheaters. Read the information on the AffairCare site maintained by one of the members of this forum. It will help you to decode your wife's behavior. 

Were you able to get any details of the relationship - how long did it go on, how it started, was she emotionally attached to him and he to her. Somehow I suspect they are still in communicating because her behavior is still erratic. You must dig, she may have brought, another phone, a new email account, does she have a smart phone to get on the internet when she is not in the home, have you checked the number of text messages on your phone. 

You said that she did not love you all these years, that is not true. She probably still loves you and that is why she is so emotional. You must find out if she is still in contact with the OM. If she is follow the advice on the Affair Care site. If you want to stay married you can but it will be a process and a difficult one. You will need to be very resolute and do not allow your self to be trampled or disrespected. She does not yell at you, under no circumstances continue to do for her at this point back up and be cold. She should not get from you what she is not giving. 

Please read the information on that site. The most important thing is not to let her treat you like you are at fault tell you will not have it and walk away. Stop doing special things for her she has shown no desire to work on the relationship and no remorse and empathy for you, at this point. Take care of you, do you have any support. Take time to go out with friends, be mysterious, buy new clothes get your hair cut. Behave as if you are getting ready to date again. I know you are not yet but, don't let her be too sure of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

I think I know all of the details of the affair. His wife and I have spoken in great detail about it. She has been keeping a very close watch on him. She was the one who told me about it. I've never met her. I do check my wife's phone. She tried to call OM for closure a couple of weeks ago. She said just to end it. His wife caught the call on his phone and called me, which fueled a storm like we had not seen before. They work in separate areas of a giant facility and on different shifts. She calls me on her way to and from work. Not sure if that's keeping good tabs, but that's what I've got. 
I realize that I need to disconnect myself to some degree or I'm going to go insane. I need to not drink when I feel bad, and not beat her up (Verbally) about this thing right now. It hurt me. I've established that. I love her. Established that fact, too. I want to work it out, even though things can never be the same. I guess there's a chance they could turn out better by having a better sense of understanding for one another. 

She'll be home in a couple of hours. I want to just start over. I don't want to withdraw making it look like I was put in my place by the explosion yesterday, but I do need to step back. My head can't take much more of where I've been.
She mentioned renting a house yesterday. Maybe that's a good idea. After my EA, things got so bad at the company I worked for that I went contracting, and travelled every week. I missed my family and the comforts of home for six years. Saw them on the weekends and every night during the year they came and stayed with me. It really made me appreciate them and the comforts of home. My situation was different, though, as I realized my mistake almost as soon as I made it.

I know this will work out one way or the other, and I'll still be breathing in and out at the end of it. I just wish I could remember that all the time.

I'd like to thank everyone here again for your kindness and advice. I will see much more of you as time goes by.


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

32 days since D day. She had the night off last night. During dinner with our daughter, she made a comment about she and her boyfried and me and my girlfriend I don't have a girlfriend, and I believe she's not seeing OM) living here one day. It seemed kind of inappropriate to say the least. I suddenly wasn't hungry anymore. I went for a shower. My daughter explained to her how unfunny what my wife referred to as a joke was to her. It was very out of character for my wife. She's never been a mean person, or someone who would have fun at another's expense.
Wife and I went to bed and watched a movie that had way too much unrequieted love in it. I brought up the comment in a very calm way. Told her that I didn't appreciate it, and that the situation she described would never happen.
We made love (OK, maybe not love for both of us) this morning. She said she didn't want to send mixed signals. I assured her that it wouldn't mean a thing. I was surprised how little it really did mean to me. We both enjoyed the closeness of another body. We had a good talk later over coffee.
She was distracted and scattered today. I just about made up my mind this afternoon that it's not going to work. She still hasn't found a place to stay, and it's hard being around her. I did spend the afternoon feeling better, like I was decided for once. The feeling started slipping away as the sun set. She's at work now. The times when I'm alone are the hardest.
She has the weekend off. Today was the first day she's had off in the past 15 days. Maybe we can have a decent weekend. I've arranged for Monday off. That's her first meeting with the counsellor. I don't expect a change Monday, but hopefully the counselor can help her find some peace so that we can move on one way or the other.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Who says that? Inappropriate... you think? Who are these people? Sometimes I wonder if this is the same person had I decided to spend the rest of my life with. I know people change as the relationship progresses into different phases, but this is a blatant disregard for your feelings and peace of mind. Let me see... wouldn't that be considered a form of abuse? Dude... you need to throw some cold water on your face and snap out of it. I'll come out and tell you what no one seems to want to tell you- SHE"S NOT FEEL'IN IT ANYMORE! you shouldn't have to go through such torture. She disrespected, not only you, but your daughter. How could she so insensitive? I really feel for you.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

There is absolutely no excuse for what your wife did, and if there is to a future for the 2 of you---you need to find out the WHY she had her A.

Was it related to her not dealing with problems the 2 of you have had lately, had things just become so boring, and same old, same old--that she wanted some spice, did she fall prey to a "bad boy" who said the right things, and she gave in, (which is no excuse for her), was it her finally snapping after giving you 14 yrs of grace, and staying with you---is it possibly an exit A.???, does it possibly relate to her FOO??????

What ever caused it, if you wanna go on---the why needs to be answered, and the problem fixed.---Letting her leave will not help your situation---it will just put her on her own, and her sub-conscious will cause her to do who knows what??

If you really want this mge---then both of you need to work, and communicate, as hard as you can to work this out.

I know you are hurt deeply, but now you know how she has felt for 14 long years, and she gave you the greatest gift she could give you---she stayed with you, and gave you a 2nd chance---and please do not try to NOT equate an EA, with a PA---many times EA's are much worse than PA's.

So the question now becomes can you give her, her 2nd chance---do you even wanna do this-----your words say maybe, your actions say maybe---but what does your sub-conscious say---for that is the part of you that you have to overcome, and that just might take years.

You both have to do what is best for each of you, neither wants to live a miserable life, and you have a wonderful thing going in that you care for/take care of horses that need help----so for a lot of reasons you might try to work this out---you will know soon enuff if it ain't gonna work, and you can then be on your way to a new life, if that is what you want.


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