# Have I really lost it!!!



## mrs.rmiller (Aug 2, 2011)

Ladies,

This is my first time on here and I could use some “words of wisdom”. My husband and I have been married for four years. For the most part, our marriage has been pretty good. Last July I gave birth to our son. That day was not one that made us closer. In fact, I think it may have pushed us farther apart emotionally. While I was in the hospital and “ready” to give birth, my husband was sleeping in a chair next to me. I had an epidural and the internal heart and contraction monitor so moving was not easy. When the nurses came in, I tried to wake my husband, but he did not respond to my voice so I nudged him with my foot. He responded with a rude “WHAT!”. I looked around to see if anyone heard him and the nurses did. I told him not to talk to me like that and it was time. He said that he needed to go smoke a cigarette. Well that was a year ago.. Let’s move forward. 

Before our son arrived, my husband and I both had full time jobs. My husband’s job did not pay as well as mine and worked him like a dog. We decided that it would be best if he stayed at home with our son while I worked. (Can anyone see where this is going?) My job is still pretty demanding. I am required to stay overnight once a month for meetings. That was emotionally, very hard for me to do after having my son. I bit the bullet and did what I needed to do to provide for my family. 

My son is a year old and I am six months pregnant. I still work full time and my husband stills stays home. There are times when I come home and he is napping with the baby and I do get aggravated because the house work is not always done, but I’m pretty easy going for the most part. Our son has been having issues sleeping for the last three nights. We’ve been bringing him into our bed at about 2:30AM each night, but when he is in our bed, I can’t sleep because I worry about rolling over on him and he moves around a lot. Last night our son woke up and my husband brought him in our bed. I told him that I can not have him in our bed tonight because I really need to get some sleep. My husband said that our son was cold and put him in our bed anyway. I cuddled with the baby for a bit and went into his room, put a thicker blanket on the bottom of his crib, took the fans out of his windows and shut the windows and got a thicker blanket for him to cover up with. I picked the sleeping baby up and moved him from our bed into his own. He woke up and started crying. I sat in a chair that was in his room and he laid down and was going back to sleep. I thought that he may need some Tylenol because he is cutting his one year molars. When I left the room to get the Tylenol, he started screaming. I came in and tried to give it to him, but he would not take it. At this time, I’m over tired and getting a little frustrated. My husband is lying in our bed (trying) to sleep. I went into our room and said “Could you please get up and help me, you can take a nap during the day, I can’t” 

He got up and acted like he was going to punch the wall, but slapped it instead. He started yelling at me “You’re so selfish, Let my son sleep in our f****** bed. He wants to sleep in here”. I responded with “I can’t sleep when he is sleeping with us.” At this point we were both upset and yelling. He went into the kitchen, ran some water and started banging some stuff around. I went up to him and told him that I need some sleep. I’m six months pregnant and work full time. He kept saying that our son was fine sleeping in our bed. During this argument my baby boy was still upset. I couldn’t take his mouth on me anymore and I slapped his face. (Not one of my better moments.) He acted like he was going to hit me, but didn’t. (It kills me to think that we argued over who was going to take care of him. That baby did not deserve to hear us fighting.) 

Anyway, I ended up going for a drive to calm down. When I came home, the little guy was still awake and he did end up in bed with me. I had to cuddle with him and make him feel better. I felt and still feel awful. 

I don’t know what to do at this point. I need to get more sleep. I tried taking a nap at 7:00pm yesterday, but my husband said that he needed help with our baby. That was not a big deal. I wanted sleep, but I got up to help feed and clean my son. I played with him for awhile and then tried to go back to sleep at 10:00pm. My husband stayed up watching Larry the Cable guy until 12:00am, woke me up when he came to bed and my baby was up at 2:30 am. I did not get back to sleep until 4:00am because I lost my mind for a moment and I had to wake at 6:00am for work. I ended up snoozing until about 7:00am and went to with as little preparation a person can possibly manage to have without getting fired.

I could really use some sort of advice. I’ve thought about leaving, but I can’t do that to my baby. My baby does love his father and he is a good father, but he doesn’t take care of me. My daughter will be here in three months. I’m scared that I’m not going to be able to handle it. I don’t want my children to feel like a burden of any kind. I don’t want them to see or hear their parents fight. I want them to grow up in a stable, well adjusted household. My husband and I both grew up with alcoholic fathers and bi-polar mothers. Lol.. Maybe we should have thought about that when we noticed that common factor. The worst part is that I’m still broken up about this fight today and he acts as if everything is fine and nothing happened. He did apologize, but I don’t feel good. I’m still very upset.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Your husband does not feel like a man. Period.


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## SunnyDoll (Aug 2, 2011)

You're under a lot of stress. I really feel for you, it sounds like your DH needs to talk about what is REALLY bothering him. It doesn't sound like he's really happy with the arrangement but feels like he's in charge of the house and the baby and doesn't think you should ask to change anything. Maybe it's time for a change.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Can you extend your work day and take a nap at lunch? 
Also, can you get a bigger bed? Or sleep in a different bed when your son comes to the family bed? I can't function at all when I am sleep deprived. Also maybe do little things to make things easier at home like buy meals that are already cooked (yes, take-out or whatever) or put a meal in a slow cooker or have a lot of leftovers during the week from the weekend...make sure you have plenty of snacks available that you like...get a house cleaning service once a week. Yes, these things relieve the load on your H, but he will feel less stressed and then the focus can be more on you and since you are 6 months pregnant and working that is a good thing. You also might be able to take a mini-vacation just to get some sleep, go to a motel room or a friend's house for a day (not the night) and just sleep sleep sleep sleep then eat. It won't solve any long term issues but sometimes you just need a long deep uninterrupted sleep.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I felt tired just reading your story! Sleep deprivation and feeling exhausted is magnifying your frustrations. 

Did you apologize for slapping him? It's time you both had a calm talk about how you're going to continue working out the best way you can get maximum sleep to function for your job and for the health of your unborn child. Could you and your H also both start going to bed at the same time? I think these things are important for the relationship.

He is primarily caring for your baby. I'm not suggesting you need to agree with everything he does but I think in the instance of sleep, perhaps you need to learn how to sleep with the baby in your bed? 

Have you ever lovingly thanked your H for the good he does do with the baby? For the time-being, when noticing chores that haven't been done (obviously within reason) try not to mentally criticize him and instead appreciate he's doing a good job looking after your baby. Is there any way you could BOTH have a night away from your little one, to have some good sleep and relaxing time together?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Sorry you are going through this trying time!

How does your husband REALLY feel about being a stay at home dad? Having to do it out of necessity is one thing, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he really enjoys that role or that it was something that he aspired to.

And, how do you really feel about having to carry the whole financial burden of your household? That, and being pregnant, is a lot of stress on a woman, and I don't think that your husband is getting this.

You too need to sit down together and talk. Talk about the current arrangement and how it makes both of you feel. Talk about what the arrangement will be going forward with the new baby. Talk about what you each desire in the future - does your husband want to work again? Do you want to stay home at some point? What would it take for you to get to that place? A spouse is sexy and attractive when they have goals in mind and are actively seeking those. 

You also need to be upfront about the sleep issue. Being pregnant is not always easy, even though we women try to make it look so by keeping going. Have you considered getting a co-sleeper by your bed, or putting a small crib in to your bedroom so that the baby does not have to sleep in the actual bed with you? You and your husband need to work out how you will handle the night-time wake-up routine, especially with a new one on the way. Who will handle the baby? Who will handle the toddler? What are your philosophies on sleeping with children?

I think in your situation, that communication with each other is key. Talk - talk - talk AND listen - listen - listen.

Best wishes.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I'm going to be kinda blunt not in an effort to offend anybody but I just need to make a statement.

I hear a lot of comments like talk about it, change your schedule, have him get a job and you stay home, his feelings are hurt because he dosn't work. ( not all these statement were made in this particular thread) BLAH, blah,blah

reality time.

life don't usually go as planned most times. you and your husband are parents now. parenting small babies, and children is stressfull and difficult and theres no easy way to do but to roll up your sleave and dig in. you guys have come up with a plan to have him stay home because your earning potential is greater than his. that in it self is a hrad thing to get through your mind and his as well. its not your typical situation (although happening more and more).

everybody is giving you advice on your post alone I'm sure he has some gripes about you and they are very legimate in his mind.


Teamwork is what it takes to raise a family and very often there is a huge learning curve for new parents to get this through their heads.

have the team work conversation with him in an non threating way ask him what would help him to be a better parent and then tell him what you need to be a better parent. Its a work in progress and be ready to tweak things as you go 


good luck


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

IN the middle of the night, when the baby is screaming, is not the time to debate the policy of co-sleeping.

That should be done in the light of day, and agreed to by both parties.

I do see it as a problem that he is acting like the wife and you are acting like the husband.

If you want your kids to have a happy life, make time to focus on your romantic marital relationship, and not be 100% focused on your kids.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> I'm going to be kinda blunt not in an effort to offend anybody but I just need to make a statement.
> 
> I hear a lot of comments like talk about it, change your schedule, have him get a job and you stay home, his feelings are hurt because he dosn't work. ( not all these statement were made in this particular thread) BLAH, blah,blah
> 
> ...


I wished I'd said that!! Good advice


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

heartsbreaking said:


> I wished I'd said that!! Good advice


Thank you!


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Hicks said:


> IN the middle of the night, when the baby is screaming, is not the time to debate the policy of co-sleeping.
> 
> That should be done in the light of day, and agreed to by both parties.
> 
> ...


:iagree: with all of this. (Hicks, I seem to be following you around nodding today.)

As I was reading your post, I mentally switched the sexes: the poster was the husband, the stay-at-home-parent was the wife. It came across rather ...mean. The stay at home parent is NOT the easy job out of the two. Stay-at-home moms regularly expect and deserve that the working dad will help around the house, help with childcare, get up in the middle of the night, and so on.

This is the arrangement you have chosen, based on your desire for more money - okay, I respect that totally! Money is good to have, I always appreciate additional amounts of it coming my way  But it may be time to step back and talk about whether more money + more marital stress + living in these roles is better than less money + less stress + living in the opposite roles. Take money out of the equation. In a world where you make exactly the same amount of money, do you want to be a stay-at-home mom while your husband goes to work, at least for the first few years? Do you want both to work and leave the children at daycare? Do you want to work while your husband is a stay-at-home dad, at least for the first few years?

If the answer is that you'd rather be a stay-at-home mom, maybe it's time to make that happen.

I'm not against SAHDs, they are great! But if that's not working for YOUR marriage, rethink it. Marriage comes before money, right?


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## mrs.rmiller (Aug 2, 2011)

Thank you for all of your posts. Thank you for being blunt about things. After having our son, I really wanted to be home. Yeah, my husband and I did decide that he should stay home with the baby because we want one parent at home, but he was also on the verge of losing his job and he complained about his job all of the time. Ok... He complained about his job, but he still had more pride about bringing in some cash.

I started dating my husband when I was 20 and he was 25. He lived at home with his mother and worked as a cook in a bar. We had so much fun then. We were wild and crazy and so in love. I led him to resources that would pay for his CDL license. He went over the road for a month and couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t handle him being away either. When he returned, he was unemployed for about three month before my brother got him another cook job at a hotel. While he was at work, I drafted up a resume and submitted it to a local Directv company. He was hired in and did very well for two years. The job required him to work an average of 50-60 hours a week with only Sundays off. He was burnt out by the end of it. I took a few college courses and landed a job as a leasing agent for the only Government ran apartment complex in our small town. My job pays salary and I work 8:00am-5:00pm and have every weekend off. (No maternity pay. It is a good job for this area and I’m blessed to have it, but I still get state medical, WIC and $100.00 per month in food.) I don’t want to sound like I’m putting my husband down in anyway, but his work history is not the best and I’m afraid to let him be financial responsible. When I talk to him about getting a job, he makes comments like “I don’t want to work that hard” and “You always need to be busy, you wouldn’t be able to stay home all day” or the famous, “If you really want me to get a job, start putting resumes in for me.” He makes his comments or jokes. I know that he is trying to be funny most of the time, but there is a part that I feel is true. Because he was living with his mother when we started dating and I’ve always paid the bills, obtained a mortgage and made the effort to get us jobs, I’m not really comfortable letting him be the “man” I guess you can say. I really want him to. I would love him to say “Honey this is how it is going to be” or “Honey, I am going to take over our finances and make a budget that will allow us to have some savings for a cushion.” He talked about starting a power washing business. I was very much on board and he bought a power washer. I am able to get him the job at my complex, but all I wanted him to do was prices on liability insurance. It’s been months and he still has not done that. I made him nice flyers to pass out……

I know this is not short, but I have to cut it short. My little guy just woke up and is crying.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

mrs.rmiller said:


> *I am able to* get him the job at my complex, but all I wanted him to do was prices on liability insurance. It’s been months and he still has not done that. *I made him* nice flyers to pass out……


You sound very supportive which is all well and good but if you want him to "be the man" you need to stop doing these things for him. It was his business idea - perhaps he needs the room to step up and take control himself. 

It could also be that perhaps this arrangement of him being the SAHD works for both of you?


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## mrs.rmiller (Aug 2, 2011)

Ok… He cried for a few seconds and went back to sleep. Maybe I shouldn’t jump up to get him right away. This may solve my lack of sleep problem. 

Anyway, I was off in the above message. I was 20 and my husband was 26 when we started dating. I am now 26 and he is 32. We used to do everything together. Now, I go to work and want to come home to be with my family and when I get home, he wants to go fishing. If I really do not want him to go, he will stay home, but I feel like the bad guy. He does do a very good job with our son. Where did our crazy love go? What happened to romance? I don’t feel that attractive right now and when he wants to have sex, It’s just that, having sex. Lack of romance and passion. What happened to the days when we wouldn’t leave the bedroom all day? When did flowers, candles or nice gestures become something that only happened on a Holiday or Birthday? When did he fall out of love with me? I should have known that this is just a comfortable situation for him when he brought a pillow and blanket into the hospital when I was being induced with our son. He went to sleep right away. I was scared and needed him and he was sleeping. Not only was he sleeping, he jumped on my case when I tried to wake him up. I want that early, deep, love back so bad. I want him to want to love and take care of me.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

You want him to be a man and yet you are thwarting it because you don't trust him to be a man.

You still have unresolved issues over your birthstory. I'm not going to say you shouldn't. If that had been I, I would have been absolutely furious. I have no idea what he was thinking. Perhaps he was being a bit more realistic about things, thinking to himself: "holy s***, I don't have a job (or I will soon not have a job), my wife's job, while better paid than mine, is still not enough for us to live without government assistance, so why the heck are we having a child????" This is a NORMAL thought for a guy to have right before he becomes a father. Sleep = an easy way to stop thinking about it. However, in the circumstances, it's an extraordinarily insensitive and stupid thing to do. Like I said, if that were I, I would have major resentment too. But I think you need to work to resolve this. You are pregnant again - if you don't resolve this before your next birth, I predict you will have a fair amount of distress about it. You may decide that you don't want him in the labor/delivery room because you can't handle his rejection of your needs at such a crucial time, I don't know.

Does he know that his behavior that day still bothers you and is a major source of ongoing resentment? Have you had a heart-to-heart talk about what happened? If you are still not making more money, and he is still SAHD, then any anxiety he had about not making ends meet with the first one will be doubled by a second child. You may think he doesn't care about finances and doesn't feel any anxiety about them, but it could be that he does and deals with it by avoiding money issues/work/bills, etc. I can tell you from personal experience that the times in my life when I had the least amount of money and the most debt were also the times I talked and thought about money the least - it's a protective mechanism. 

Anyway back to your post... Where did your crazy love go? I suppose it's still there, just been beaten down by your losing respect for him. If you can trust him enough to let him be a man, he'll probably step it up and your respect (and love) will come back - it doesn't always happen this way, but it happens often.

Our society already makes SAHD feel emasculated in some ways so it takes a little extra from you. He wants to go fishing? Sounds like he wants to participate in a traditionally male activity that does not involve caring for a baby - I would encourage that sort of thing - maybe on weekends instead of weeknights if you really can't manage on your own. 

Not trying to minimize what you do but an 8-5 office job is NOT the same as caring for a baby (or two babies). He is likely exhausted, and he does need time away from the house. How much time does he actually get OUTSIDE your house WITHOUT your child? You may feel that this setup is the best solution and you may feel that you are making major sacrifices by not having SAHM status and working full-time, you may even feel that he is getting the best of both worlds because he doesn't have a good work history and would rather stay home and not work hard - BUT you are failing to appreciate that his job is probably harder than yours. How many diapers do you change at your job, how many screaming babies do you deal with? There's probably a fair amount of other stuff he deals with too that I don't know about since I'm childfree and don't know squat about babies. But I do know from watching my parent friends that the SAHP is usually the more exhausted, the less fulfilled, and the more burnt out of the two.

I actually have a good friend in a situation that might interest you, not sure. She has just given birth to her 2nd child, although they are about 2 years apart. Her husband has never worked. She has always worked, she's on maternity leave right now (we live in a country where parental leave is considered a right of all people), but before she gave birth to the first and in between and once her current leave is up, she works full-time. Her husband plays World of Warcraft ALL DAY LONG. This includes when she is working, not just now that she is on leave. When it was just the one baby, she came home from work to feed and change the baby and went back to work, she took the baby to the park, she did all the shopping and all the nitty-gritty baby stuff. She complained to me that he did nothing but play computer games. I asked her if she was still in love with him. She said no. I've known her for years, she was in love with him before. But this situation is not working for them. She is a very well educated woman in a well-paying job, and she cannot respect her husband because of his lifestyle. I do understand that. I see that she loves him but he is not a man in her eyes anymore. He is just someone else that she has to provide for, cook for, clean up after. She is one of those superwomen who is never tired but even so, the "in love" feeling is gone. 

I predict with her that she will either leave him and take her two children with her, or that she will stop enabling him, more or less forcing him to man up. 

Your case is far less serious! Your husband is doing the SAHD thing, providing childcare that you don't have to pay for. His contribution IS a financial contribution.

Look at it this way: I am a housewife, I make a very low income working from home, to the point that I don't really consider it working. My husband supports us financially although my pre-marriage savings provide a very nice "cushion." Now that we're married, it costs ONE QUARTER as much for food to feed the two of us as it did to feed him on his own! That's because I cook from scratch, I comparison shop, I buy things on sale, etc. My shopping habits cost money - I never walk out of the supermarket without having spent something - but overall, it's a financial boon to my husband. He SAVES money that he WOULD have spent because I'm there doing my thing - and it's money that we can put into savings or toward other things. And I'm not out there EARNING money. Your husband's childcare contribution is like that. It's a valuable financial contribution to your family finances. You need to recognize that instead of "the lower earning spouse stays home." No: it's "one spouse works outside the home, one spouse provides in-home childcare and removes the need to pay for childcare." 

Sorry this is so long... this is one of those cases where really putting yourself in your spouse's shoes and thinking about what his needs are that might not being met can be a big help. I hope you can do this. Both will have to make changes, not just he and not just you.


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## mrs.rmiller (Aug 2, 2011)

My husband was suspended from work the week before our son was born. He was home and rested before I had gone into labor. We did not talk about him staying home until after our son was born. I told my husband that I was upset with how he acted during the birth of our child. He did apologize, but who wouldn’t apologize after someone calls him out. It was an apology because he had to, not because he wanted to. 

My one year old takes two naps during the day. On occasion, my husband will nap with our baby. Typically, our son wakes up at 7:00am and spends some time with me before I go to work. He takes a nap at 9:00am and sleeps until 11:00am. I come home for lunch at noon and I feed him, change him and play with him until 1:00pm. He lays back down for his afternoon nap at 2:00pm and sleeps until 4:00pm. I am home at 5:00pm. We make dinner; I feed the little guy, play with him, bath him, change him, read to him, brush his teeth and snuggle with him while he has his night time bubba. He is usually in bed by 9:00pm and he has had issues of getting up at 2:30am and wanting to come to our bed. When he’s in our bed, he wants to snuggle with mom. I love cuddling with my baby, but I can not sleep comfortably and I continue to worry about suffocating my child while I sleep or rolling on him and breaking a bone. I end up sleeping with one eye open while my husband can sleep like a champ. 

We play housework catch up on the weekend. My husband will do some housework during the week. He will put clothes in the washer and then in the dryer and sometimes he will hang them after. Most of the time the clean clothes end up in a basket. He does some dishes during the day, but he never finishes a load of dishes. He will wash the cups and plates and drain the water and leave everything else. My husband will run to the store to buy a few groceries if needed, but I do the majority of the grocery shopping. Most of the time he will come with me, but if I ask him to do it so I can rest he says that he would rather us go together. That is usually fine with me because I do not want a bunch of junk food in the house. Lol

My husband also plays video games, including WOW (world of warcraft). We had to cancel his account because he could not afford it. He has almost every video game you could think of. He has a Wii, psp, Xbox 360, playstation, gamecube, xbox, etc. I will give him credit, he does not play as many video games as he used to. He does tend to our son when our son is awake. During the first few months of our son’s life, my husband spent the majority of his time playing WOW. He watched movies on NETFLIX most of the time. He will have his friend over while I’m at work to watch movies during the week. His one buddy is 30 and has been unemployed since I met him. It’s not everyday, but it’s a couple times a week. Usually when I get home from work, my hubby will fill me in on the details of a movie he watched during the day. He does fish almost every weekend and some week days. 

My mother watches our son about once a week so my husband can get out of the house for awhile. She started doing this when my husband was interested in starting a business. The time was for him to get away and for him to hang fliers and advertise. Now it is just for him to get away and go fishing. He gave up the business because he did not get calls right away. It’s great when my mom comes to the house. She will catch the laundry up, do the dishes and clean everything. I feel bad and happy when she does it. I tell her that she is going over board and does not need to clean the house, but she does it. I have mixed feeling there. I love that the house is clean and I can rest, but I don’t like my mom doing it. It’s a pride thing. Lol… 

I really do like my job, but my job is not just an office job. I manage low income housing. There is more to it then some people think, but I’m not going to get into that. I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea of the place. 

The really good things about my husband is that he is great with our son. He plays with our son, he teaches our son, he sings songs with our son. We both take our son to every doctor appointment. My husband talks to and looks at our son in a very loving and caring way. When our son is awake, my husband plays with him. I get them both outside when I’m home. My husband will go outside to fish, but he doesn’t really go to the park or outside unless I ask him to. We do take our baby swimming a lot. My husband is excited about having a little girl. He wants a dozen children, I’m done after this one. He is so care free. He will just do something because that is what he wants to do at that time and he doesn’t worry about what needs or should be done. Housework can wait until he has nothing better to do. I do all of the maintenance on the vehicles. He doesn’t worry about the oil being changed or needing new tires. I think my husband could live in a cave with no running water or electric and still be happy just living. I think that I actually fell in love with that side of him. We were so wild and crazy at one time, but now we have little people to think about and we both have to care.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Wow. Okay, you have given a lot more information, and this definitely changes things. In such a case, I don't think he IS a SAHD. I think you are a working mom with an unemployed husband who does some babysitting.

 I'm sorry to read that it's so unbalanced. This situation is very unfair. Your day sounds like a single mom's day. And it sounds a lot like my friend that I told you about, and I know she is really unhappy with the situation. 

Your H's response to the labor debacle (apology only because he had to) would be something I would also resent a great deal. I understand about you feeling a little bad about your mom helping you out but it sounds like she really cares and wants to be involved in your lives. I think moms just want to help. I feel a little bad when my MIL comes over and takes over the housekeeping but I know she does it because its her way of "being mom" so I accept the vacation. 

It sounds like your husband is very immature. I guess marriage counseling is the way to go... I really don't know. I was definitely hoping you were going to say "yeah, he does do an AWFUL lot around the house and with the baby..."  I can definitely feel your frustration with him.


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## mrs.rmiller (Aug 2, 2011)

I do get frustrated. I think I can handle more when I’m not pregnant. I worry about being able to afford our lives when this baby arrives. I have everything for the baby and I am ahead two months on my mortgage, but that’s not everything. I will keep our home, but the other bills will need to wait. I have to have another c-section. The day before our son arrived, I went to the hospital to be induced at 8:00am. I spent all day in labor, but when it came time to push, our sons heart beat stopped and they did a c-section because the umbilical cord was around his neck twice. He was born at 5:15am the following day. Because I did not allow myself time to heal before becoming pregnant again, I have to have another c-section. 

I really think things will be better when I’m not pregnant. Probably not at first, but when our daughter is a few months old it will get better. I will have more energy and can wear cute clothes again. My husband does want me to go fishing with him in the canoe. We did that a few weeks ago and it was fun. I liked being with him. My hips hurt really bad when I sit in one place for any length of time and it ended up being really uncomfortable. I also feel bad when I leave my baby with my mom to baby-sit. (My mom is the only other person who has every watched my baby.) I feel like I should be with him when I’m not at work because I work all week. He get’s sad when I leave him and it breaks my heart. My husband and I used to go bowling all of the time, but I can’t spend the extra money right now because we need to be ready for the next baby and my body aches and I’m tired all of the time.

My girlfriend has a one year old and the father of that baby left when the baby was six months old and has seen his daughter twice since he left. He doesn’t do anything. He does not watch the child, pay child support, or love the child. 

My husband loves our child and will never leave him. If we split, he would probably man up and do everything he could to have his child. (I would do the same so it would be a mess, but we are not going to split.) I hate to say this because I know that I love and will love this baby, but I don’t think I was ready to have another one this soon. We planned the first. We tried to have a baby for a couple years and couldn’t. I was put on fertility medicine and we became pregnant. Who would have thought the second pregnancy would happen so easy? 

I really wish my husband would do something romantic or really nice to make me feel appreciated and loved. I would ask him to do something, but then he would only be doing it because I asked him and not because he wanted to. I would love to be pampered for a day. Lol… I do have five days off this month. I took some vacation days to catch up on sleep and spend time with the family before the next baby arrives. I wish my husband could just read my mind and do things without me telling him to. I don’t want to be the boss who bosses her husband into taking her on a date. What to do?


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

One thing I can say is that you don't need to "settle" for a situation just because you have seen other people go through worse situations (like your friend you mention). That doesn't excuse your husband's behavior. It gives you another perspective, but it's not going to make it okay that your H doesn't step it up. He doesn't get extra credit for loving his son - that's a biological imperative and I'm pretty sure I've never met anybody who didn't love their child(ren). He needs to grow up and realize that being a man and a husband and a father is a lot more than playing with a baby.

I think it's totally honest and okay to say that you got pregnant sooner than you wanted to. I think if women felt allowed to express their feelings on some motherhood issues without feeling like they would be instantly judged by the entire universe, there would be a lot less frustration. I think it's great that you are 2 months ahead on the mortgage and all that. 

I think everyone wishes their spouse could read their mind. Really good communication over the long term is pretty much the closest we get to this. As you improve your communication, he may improve at picking up on signals from you. And I wouldn't take it for granted that anything you ask him to do, and he does, he's only doing because he feels obligated. Most men WANT to make their wives happy, and when they don't know how, they want to be told "I want x" - and when they do x they do it to make you happy, not because you said so. It sounds like the same thing but I don't think it is.


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