# My new life...day by day



## RGG1957

Tomorrow I'll be two weeks into my divorce and while some things have changed, some have stayed the same. We have been seperated since February, so as divorces go ours was pretty quick. We have been talking and even went for coffee after divorce court. But I don't see any changes in the issues that drove us apart so I really don't see any reconcilliation. I'm trying to work the 180 and not have any contact with her, but I find myself thinking of her constantly.

Everything I've read says get a new hobby, think of something else, work on yourself. All these will take your mind off your ex.

I took up bike riding and I think of her while peddling down the road. I try to concentrate on work and I'm thinking of her the whole time. I hit the gym to work on myself and think of her while I'm trying to get that barbell overhead. Nothing is working. 

This is really starting to bug the heck out of me. Has anyone had any success at keeping your ex off your mind? If so what worked?
RGG1957


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## movealong

100% total success at keeping the X out of your thoughts is unattainable. 

What I did was "condition" myself. When I found myself thinking of the X, I immediately acknowledged it, then diverted my thoughts to something else. Sometimes it took me longer to recognize that I had started thinking of her, but as soon as I did I turned my thoughts to a different subject. 

Acknowledging the thought, I would say to myself "Okay, I am done with that. Let's move on to something better." Then I would think about something totally unrelated to her or our relationship. Hockey was a good one for me because the playoffs were in full swing at the time and it took my brain away from the thoughts of my X.

I don't know if it will work for anyone else, but you can give it a shot.


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## SamuraiJack

Sometimes it can be very difficult, especially when someone occupied your thoughts for a long time. I played a lot of Fallout3, kept my house clean, and did a lot of studying.
I'm one of those people who just likes to learn stuff.
Keeps me out of trouble...mostly.

In the end , it will come down to you doing what YOU need to to get along.

It seems like the switch gets reset when the decree hits the table. I remember going through a new bout of "Damn I miss her" when it did. 
I was mostly mourning the loss of the future I was working towards.
The key thing here is make sure you are taking care of yourself both mentally and physically. Occupy your time with friends or be alone if that is what is good for you.

Above all else in your case, dont let it bug you that you miss her. It's okay and natural to miss her. You felt strong enough about her that you married her so its a good thing that you miss her...as the smoke clears you will see the reasons start to harden. You will begin thinking about what you really want in a mate. 
Its okay to let her reside there for a bit. It's also a comment on your capacity to love. As a friend of mine likes to say: "The more you resist, the more it persists."

Some will suggest another gal, which can be good but...you might not be really ready for it. 
FWB's definitely help.

In the end I found that only time will dissapate the sight of her face and all the bad/good things she did. 
The memories become less vivid. 
They fade and visit you less often.

Then one day, a few months/years from now, she will just be someone that you used to know.


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## Twistedheart

Only time can heal. One day out of the blue you will catch yourself NOT thinking about her and she will also no longer hold any power over you. It's coming. Don't know when but it is.


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## evolver

Time and no contact.

Your experience sounds normal. I'm two months in, and have had zero communication with ex for even longer. I still find myself thinking of her, but much less. As time goes on, she's becoming more abstract and less relevant to my new life. It's just a process you have to go through.


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## poppyseed

RGG1957 said:


> Tomorrow I'll be two weeks into my divorce and while some things have changed, some have stayed the same.
> RGG1957


May I ask who wanted a divorce? 

Some people have already established a relationship with someone else whilst they are still married - so their moving on is a lot simpler it seems. These people are too busy with their new relationship and haven't got much time thinking about their ex.


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## SamuraiJack

poppyseed said:


> May I ask who wanted a divorce?
> 
> Some people have already established a relationship with someone else whilst they are still married - so their moving on is a lot simpler it seems. These people are too busy with their new relationship and haven't got much time thinking about their ex.


Good point. WAW's are often far ahead of the game in this aspect...as I suspect WAH's are as well.


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## toonaive

It takes time. Im more than 2.5 years into a difficult divorce. Things have gotten alot better for me. But, from time to time, I think about the difficulties my almost XW is having. I feel badly for her at times. Its natural. I keep the current processes at bay , by doing exactly what I want. Nobody to check with, or ask permission of. 

Back to bike riding, running, shooting, dirt biking, and jet skiing with my sons, by myself, or with friends. Anything need cleaning, arranging or repairing in your home? Being busy for fun, work, or any other productivity does it for me. I tried to make sure that I had some sort of physical activity to make me tired and relaxed enough in the evening, so that I could enjoy a nice meal, a beer with a movie or game.


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## Openminded

When you start missing her just remember how much she hates your family and wanted them totally out of your life in order to be married to her. Oh, and don't forget the names she called them. That alone would have made me think twice about her suitability.


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## RGG1957

I initially filed for the divorce, but later did not want to pursue it. We had an ongoing issue about my grown kids, grandkids and my mother. Initially in our marriage my mother and grown kids were pretty rough on my wife and I didn't step up to defend her as I should have. After a while she said she did not want any contact with my family, which was alright by me. But she also included my grandkids and said I was not allowed to bring them to our house. This was pretty much unacceptable to me. One day I brought over my 16 year old granddaughter to help me clean the garage and hang out. My wife said some pretty ugly things to her and we had to leave. God I was stuck in the middle between all these people that hated each other and none of them cared enough about me to put their difference aside Anyway this continued to increase the strain between us to the point I finally moved out and filed for divorce. I was very emotional at that time.

I think from what I've read time is the only thing that is going to subside her memory. That and no contact. Actually we're pretty friendly right now and I'm supposed to go to the house for supper tonight. I know I should stop this contact but can't seem to stop. Guess I need to decide what I want to do and do it because nothing has changed between her and my family.


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## SamuraiJack

Rock to your left...
Hard place to your right...

Personally, I would choose family over her.
They are your legacy.


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## Openminded

She apparently wants you in her life but totally under her terms. And that's where you will very likely end up unless you start no contact and move on. But you probably won't do that because you think she will magically change and allow you to keep your grandchildren (and the others of your family) in your life along with her. Anything is possible but is it probable? You are about to find out.


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## SamuraiJack

Well...might as well say it.

You ARE secretly hoping for something to change...otherwise you wouldnt still be hanging out with her.
She must either be a REALLY good lay or there is something inside of you that wants her to change.

She wont change if you are still hanging around. You HAVE to do the 180 no matter what.
Maybe she will see that she is being judgemental and high and mighty...but she wont if your around.

LEAVE her in the dark and see what happens.
MAYBE she will see the light and become a better person. I give it 10%, but its a chance.

But you have to make her see that you and the Fam are a package deal...and she can only see that or make adjustments AFTER she has realized she gave up a good thing.

The 180 is the litmus test of the relationship, but either way the person who initiates...benefits.

if she comes around..great! Then follow up with IC/CC and heal your family structure.

if she DOESNT come around then have spent 30 days or more improving yourself and learning how to be without her.

Do it for you and the sake of curiosity.
...and cancel dinner.
:smthumbup:


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## poppyseed

RGG1957 said:


> Actually we're pretty friendly right now and I'm supposed to go to the house for supper tonight. I know I should stop this contact but can't seem to stop. Guess I need to decide what I want to do and do it because nothing has changed between her and my family.


How many years were you married? It's not unusual for "some" ex-spouses to get together post-D if they still have feelings. It's just the case of " our marriage did not work out but we still care about each other" no matter what. Is this the case for you?


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## Wolf1974

RGG1957 said:


> I initially filed for the divorce, but later did not want to pursue it. We had an ongoing issue about my grown kids, grandkids and my mother. Initially in our marriage my mother and grown kids were pretty rough on my wife and I didn't step up to defend her as I should have. After a while she said she did not want any contact with my family, which was alright by me. But she also included my grandkids and said I was not allowed to bring them to our house. This was pretty much unacceptable to me. One day I brought over my 16 year old granddaughter to help me clean the garage and hang out. My wife said some pretty ugly things to her and we had to leave. God I was stuck in the middle between all these people that hated each other and none of them cared enough about me to put their difference aside Anyway this continued to increase the strain between us to the point I finally moved out and filed for divorce. I was very emotional at that time.
> 
> I think from what I've read time is the only thing that is going to subside her memory. That and no contact. Actually we're pretty friendly right now and I'm supposed to go to the house for supper tonight. I know I should stop this contact but can't seem to stop. Guess I need to decide what I want to do and do it because nothing has changed between her and my family.


Sounds liken she is psycho. No way would I allow my kids or grand kids to be spoken to in such a manner. No wonder the family didn't like her.


Have you tried dating. Dating doesn't always have to lead to anything but it's a great distraction and maybe you make a friend or two


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## whitehawk

Pushing aside or trying to block stuff has usually backfired with me . So with this l just felt l had to go with it. l did start stuff though and l was as busy as too. But nights were bad.
l just figured though knowing me ,l would have to let it work through my system , there'd be no blocking it , l just felt that was best.

So it pretty well has these days and l don't think about her much anymore but l still do though.
Since signing a few wks back , when l see her now picking up my d , things a weirder . She's like a stranger . l'd love to see in that head of hers .


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## SamuraiJack

whitehawk said:


> So it pretty well has these days and l don't think about her much anymore but l still do though.
> Since signing a few wks back , when l see her now picking up my d , things a weirder . She's like a stranger . l'd love to see in that head of hers .


I was startled to see that the stranger who was once my wife bore a striking resemblance to my mother.

I got a look at her and then it hit me.
Laughed all the way home after dropping the kids off.
:rofl:


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## 3Xnocharm

RGG1957 said:


> I think from what I've read time is the only thing that is going to subside her memory. That and no contact. Actually we're pretty friendly right now and I'm supposed to go to the house for supper tonight. I know I should stop this contact but can't seem to stop. Guess I need to decide what I want to do and do it because nothing has changed between her and my family.


Wow, she is TOXIC, no way should you continue to maintain a "friendship" with her! After what she did to your GRANDDAUGHTER?? Hell no. You should have more respect for yourself and your family than to continue to even SPEAK to this woman.


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## RGG1957

Well things are still nuts in this nutty life I seem to have chosen for myself. Yesterday we met for lunch and had an enjoyable time with each other. It was a latin restaurant and they were playing Salsa music in the background. I mentioned how much I enjoy Salsa music, and I attempt at dancing to it, and would like to go somewhere they have it. She mentioned a club that has Salsa night every Thursday and so we decided to go together.

Last night I picked her up in a restaurant parking lot close to the club so we could both ride in my truck to the club. Once again we had a super time. Great music, danced a little, had a couple of drinks, then decided to go get something to eat and have a coffee.

At the resaurant out of the blue she brought up my kids and grandkids. She said something about how she was on the verge of calling off the divorce until she found out I was keeping my granddaughter that first weekend after the divorce. How this solidified that she would always be second priority with me and never my first priority. I could tell she was getting aggitated so I hurried up and paid the check so we could leave.

On the way to her car she just kept bringing up me keeping my granddaughter and how I should have told my daughter to keep her own kid that I needed to work on my marriage. Then she talking about how I never defended her against my mother and daughter. 

I agreed with her I should have done more, but I didn't. And I can't go back in time and do things differently, if I could I would. Some of the things she brought up happened 10 years ago. My gosh, when do you let go of things?

By the time we got back to her car she jumped out of my truck yelling at me that I was never going to change. That my family will always be first and she was done with me. She jumped in her car and took off. I just sat there thinking WTF just happened? How did a really great day and evening got to He!! in the last 20 minutes?

I've really tried to grasp how hurt she was by my daughter and mother and emphasize with her. But my gosh she hasn't seen or spoken to my daughter in almost three years and my mother in almost four. And if none of these people ever want to see each other that's fine with me. But I don't think my grandkids should be included in this. My children should not keep my grandkids from me (and my daughter did this several years ago) and my wife should not tell me my grandkids are not allowed at, what used to be, our home. Nor should I only be able to see them with her permission. 

Truly this is the only marriage I'm aware of that split up solely on the basis of one partner not liking the other's family. No infidelity, no money issues, no physical abuse, no substance abuse. All the things you normally hear of people splitting up over. Just the fact she hates my family so much and doesn't want me around them. 

Is anyone else aware of this issue leading to a divorce? Just curious. And why does it suddenly comes up in her that she will start a big fight and ruin what was a great day? This is not the first time I've gone through this with her. And why do I keep hanging on? It's not about sex or anything like that. I'm just very confused right now.


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## SamuraiJack

> By the time we got back to her car she jumped out of my truck yelling at me that I was never going to change. That my family will always be first and she was done with me.


This.

Right here is your answer.

She sees the family as competition and she wants you all to herself.
Does SHE have any relatives or family?


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## 3Xnocharm

See? She proved to you once again the b!tch that she is. Would you FINALLY believe her?? 

I dont know what went down in the early part of your marriage between her and your family. And it sounds like YOU should have stepped in to work things out between them. (lesson learned, dont marry someone who your family cant stand!) But telling you that you are not allowed to bring your kids or grandkids into your own home crosses a very very serious line. Someone who is a real partner to you would never make such a demand on you, and sorry, but you SHOULD choose your children over that, in my opinion. 

Cut this horrible woman out of your life. You will be amazed at how much better your life is.


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## poppyseed

RGG1957 said:


> Is anyone else aware of this issue leading to a divorce? Just curious. And why does it suddenly comes up in her that she will start a big fight and ruin what was a great day? This is not the first time I've gone through this with her. And why do I keep hanging on? It's not about sex or anything like that. I'm just very confused right now.


Essentially, whatever happened in the past, she hasn't forgiven you AT ALL. (I know this is very irrational and it's nothing to do with logic) That's how she feels and sees inside. You need to accept and move on. She hasn't forgiven you and that is a deal breaker to her. I'm sorry but this isn't so unusual. There are "some" people who simply can't let go of things - things that they felt hard done by. Yes, people DO end up having a divorce because they had built up resentment over something and they can't let go of it. From what you explained, I don't think this woman is a forgiving type and try to love someone like this rarely works. I even think this is some sort of personality disorder - called "selfishness". It's all about "me" "me" "me". You can still have a lovely time with her but that doesn't mean she will forgive you. Why you are hanging on? Because you hadn't quite grasped the fact that she would NEVER forgive you for what you did in the past that she felt to be a major form of injustice. When something gets damaged, unfortunately, there's no way to put it back together again.


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## Openminded

Shaking my head. You really don't get it. She sees you each time expecting you to say that you will give up everyone in your family for her. You don't so she storms off, shouting, until the next time. That cycle will repeat until one of you finally gives up. I'm betting it will be her who does since you can't seem to. 

Yes, family issues end many marriages. She's not the only person who hates her in-laws. It's not uncommon. She wants to be the only person in your life. And she doesn't understand why you can't accept that. On and on and on.


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## Morgiana

Okay, I haven't read all of RGG1967s posts, but here is what I got out of this thread:

1) RG's new wife was treated poorly by his parents and adult children early in the marriage.
2) RG did not stand up for his wife at the time.
3) RGs wife said his parents and adult children are not welcome in his and _her_ house.
4) RGs wife extends this ban to his teenage grandchildren.
5) RG complains that everyone involved did not put aside their differences for his sake.
6) RG invites his granddaughter over without his wife's knowing and then gets upset that wife says unkind things to granddaughter.
7) RG does not understand how his wife could be upset.

RG, I'm not sure if your wife extended the family contact ban to outside the home as well, but I sure as **** would not want anyone in _my_ house who I knew was going to disrespect me. I'm not saying your wife is right, because I think she's being short-sighted in extending the ban on family to grandchildren (unless they also say unkind things to her as well). And for her to let loose on a teenager was wrong, she should have taken it up with you, not the child. 

But for you to acknowledge that your family was not kind to your wife, that you did not stick up for her, and that you believe she has no right to also set her limits on the behaviour of people she is willing to accept as guests in her house just smacks of bad behaviour on your part. If you want something to change, I suggest you have a heart to heart with your family first and set the ground rules of what is acceptable behaviour. If you aren't going to stand up for your wife while your family is unjustifiably rude to her, yeah, I can understand why she would have the reaction she did.


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## Fenix

Wolf1974 said:


> Sounds liken she is psycho. No way would I allow my kids or grand kids to be spoken to in such a manner. No wonder the family didn't like her.
> 
> 
> Have you tried dating. Dating doesn't always have to lead to anything but it's a great distraction and maybe you make a friend or two


Who knows what the dynamic was? *shrug* Children from a previous marriage are the leading cause of second divorces and it isn't always the SO that is completely at fault. Sounds like the situation was poorly handled in the beginning and accelerated from there.

eta: Bravo, Morgiana!!


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## happy as a clam

RGG1957 said:


> Truly this is the only marriage I'm aware of that *split up solely on the basis of one partner not liking the other's family*.
> 
> And why does it suddenly comes up in her that *she will start a big fight and ruin what was a great day?*


No RGG, your split isn't solely because she doesn't like your family. It's because she is a *psycho* (probable borderline personality disorder).

And THIS is precisely why she will suddenly "start a big fight and ruin a great day."

She is nuts. Stay away from her. You are not doing yourself any favors hanging around someone who is mentally imbalanced and hates your family.


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## RGG1957

Thanks everyone for their input/insight. Well I have not seen my ex since last Saturday, although we've talked a couple of times this week. It's like she wants to keep me in a holding status until she's ready for me to be around. I feel kind of like a fish being played on the end of a line. To Morgiana, yes my family was rude to her and has on some level continued to. I have really taken steps to put a stop to this. But I think it's too little too late. With that said when she got mad because I brough my granddaughter (who has never been ugly to her) to out house and my wife told me I could go 
F^%$ my granddaughter, that was too much for me.

As for now I know I need to quit dating my ex wife last weekend we went to breakfast and took in a movie, because I'm setting myself up for a big fall. I need to proceed to move on. I haven't asked anyone out, but I am thinking about it. But I'm scared of her finding out. 

Gosh if I could stand on the outside and look in I'd think this guy is a product of his own misery. I think most of what I'm going through is selflicted. Hope it gets better soon.


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## 3Xnocharm

RGG1957 said:


> As for now I know I need to quit dating my ex wife last weekend we went to breakfast and took in a movie, because I'm setting myself up for a big fall. I need to proceed to move on. I haven't asked anyone out, but I am thinking about it. But I'm scared of her finding out.


Well, thats easy...cut her out of your life and stop talking to her, and she WONT find out. And even if she does, its none of her damn business. 



RGG1957 said:


> Gosh if I could stand on the outside and look in I'd think this guy is a product of his own misery. I think most of what I'm going through is selflicted. Hope it gets better soon.


You cannot HOPE it gets better, you MAKE it so. Hoping does nothing, but action does.


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## EnjoliWoman

Morgiana said:


> Okay, I haven't read all of RGG1967s posts, but here is what I got out of this thread:
> 
> 1) RG's new wife was treated poorly by his parents and adult children early in the marriage.
> 2) RG did not stand up for his wife at the time.
> 3) RGs wife said his parents and adult children are not welcome in his and _her_ house.
> 4) RGs wife extends this ban to his teenage grandchildren.
> 5) RG complains that everyone involved did not put aside their differences for his sake.
> 6) RG invites his granddaughter over without his wife's knowing and then gets upset that wife says unkind things to granddaughter.
> 7) RG does not understand how his wife could be upset.
> 
> RG, I'm not sure if your wife extended the family contact ban to outside the home as well, but I sure as **** would not want anyone in _my_ house who I knew was going to disrespect me. *I'm not saying your wife is right, because I think she's being short-sighted in extending the ban on family to grandchildren (unless they also say unkind things to her as well). And for her to let loose on a teenager was wrong, she should have taken it up with you, not the child. *
> 
> But for you to acknowledge that your family was not kind to your wife, that you did not stick up for her, and that you believe she has no right to also set her limits on the behaviour of people she is willing to accept as guests in her house just smacks of bad behaviour on your part. If you want something to change, I suggest you have a heart to heart with your family first and set the ground rules of what is acceptable behaviour. If you aren't going to stand up for your wife while your family is unjustifiably rude to her, yeah, I can understand why she would have the reaction she did.


The bolded part especially. I agree he should have established boundaries but it just amazes me the number of people who won't take the high road. Kill 'em with kindness works better for me.

It's one thing if the family members literally snarled or insulted her - in that case he should ABSOLUTELY intervene and say that is NOT COOL, stand his ground and support his wife. BUT she is new to the family and they are giving her (wrong but still) their form of sh*t test. They don't speak first? She should. They don't include her in conversation - step in with polite questions and show interest. They make unkind or snarky comments/back-handed compliments? Handle it with grace and pleasantry. 

They were there first and she should have made a LOT of effort to win them over to make her new husband happy and to blend. I hear a lot of "he/she disrespected me" stuff - here, on TV... but I think even if the person who makes the comment intends disrespect, if the recipient DOESN'T take it that way and turns it around, they actually EARN respect. The "disser" will go away grumpy that their insults failed. They'll be the one 10 years later to say "I always liked her!"

And as the adult she really shouldn't take it out on the kids. Even if the teen said something hurtful, she's a teen who is probably taking her cue from the other family members. I'd be inclined to ask her to help make some brownies, etc. and while in the kitchen tell her "I know the family isn't quite sure about me yet and I understand - I haven't been part of this family long. I only hope everyone gives me a chance because I really love your Grandfather. I think it was really sweet of you to come over and help in the garage. Most teens are much more selfish than that. It shows real character on your part."

I'd be interested to know from the OP what the "disrespect" was and if she tried to ingratiate herself at ALL. Because she sounds like a loon the way she is reacting. IMO the family would have had to call her a b*tch to her face and OP do nothing to warrant that kind of reaction.


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## EnjoliWoman

But OP - water under the bridge. It's too late for anyone to make amends - I think the rift is too great.

You spent a lot of time with her and as a husband no doubt had to think of her often and take her into consideration. So it will take time to NOT think of her often. 

When you do acknowledge it to yourself, remind yourself of the reasons it's over (so as to not romanticize) and intentionally start thinking about something else. Eventually your thoughts won't need to be diverted nearly as much.


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## SamuraiJack

EnjoliWoman said:


> But OP - water under the bridge. It's too late for anyone to make amends - I think the rift is too great.
> 
> You spent a lot of time with her and as a husband no doubt had to think of her often and take her into consideration. So it will take time to NOT think of her often.
> 
> When you do acknowledge it to yourself, remind yourself of the reasons it's over (so as to not romanticize) and intentionally start thinking about something else. Eventually your thoughts won't need to be diverted nearly as much.


RG, when it first happned I had a hard time too. I was definitely guilty of romanticizing her. 
So I made a list.

Things I dont like. Things I do.

Turns out that list came in really handy for reminding myself about reality whenever she suggested "interacting". 

I posted mine on the refidgerator.
I suggest you do the same.
:lol:


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## poppyseed

It's sad in a way - in laws interfering with their Son's choice for his wife. What was the problem? Was she coming from a different ethnic group etc? This is fairly common though, sadly. Perhaps, from early on, your ex-wife got damaged by the negativity/harassment from her in laws.

Because she was so damaged by the negativity around her (must have been a huge shock/trauma), she started to behave like a bully herself - which happens quite a bit - and acted as if she were a bully towards your grandd. It is a case of what goes around comes around - toxic effect received on one end can migrate into/affect other areas in the same family dynamic. It's like a disease which spreads. 

In my opinion, you also filed pretty quickly, which must have been the final straw. Overall, it sounds as if this marriage is a high conflict marriage full of so many stressors and shouting. It was bound to be over sooner or later. It is sad you still love her but you know things don't necessarily work out no matter how much you love her. That's the hardest part. My sympathies.


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## Openminded

Hoping things will change will get you nowhere. Make it happen. 

You're scared she will find out if you date? Do you realize how weak and pathetic that sounds? You're divorced. Date. Quit waiting around for her to change her mind about your family. She won't. It wasn't enough for you when she told you that you should just f*ck your granddaughter? You want to see how much worse she can get?


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## RGG1957

Well tomorrow will be my first month of divorce life done. And things don't really feel that much different. We still see each other once or twice a week. Even attended church together last Sunday, then we worked out a deal. She would do my laundry if I mowed the yard. Then other times I feel she is rude and abrupt with me when, I feel, but she claims she's not and that she doesn't treat me any different than anyone else. I think this goes back to the underlying problem that I've always felt insecure about my relationship with her, which I can't understand about myself.

I have a lot going for me I have a good job, a good vehicle, a Harley Davidson motorcycle , I'm in good shape and I have a loving family. So why the insecurity about her. Dunno, but I need to get over it. I'm pretty confident about most all other aspects of my life.


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## 3Xnocharm

RGG1957 said:


> Well tomorrow will be my first month of divorce life done. And things don't really feel that much different. We still see each other once or twice a week. Even attended church together last Sunday, then we worked out a deal. She would do my laundry if I mowed the yard. Then other times I feel she is rude and abrupt with me when, I feel, but she claims she's not and that she doesn't treat me any different than anyone else. I think this goes back to the underlying problem that I've always felt insecure about my relationship with her, which I can't understand about myself.
> 
> I have a lot going for me I have a good job, a good vehicle, a Harley Davidson motorcycle , I'm in good shape and I have a loving family. So why the insecurity about her. Dunno, but I need to get over it. I'm pretty confident about most all other aspects of my life.


Dude...seriously...get this woman out of your life. You are going NO WHERE as long as you keep her around.


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## RGG1957

So true and why I'm stuck here is not her fault but mine. We get along a day or two and I think everything is going well and perhaps we'll get back together. Then bam!! out of no where she becomes this mean, awful person to me that I left to begin with. And after each of these episodes I ask myself, OK do you feel better now? No!! 

So why do I still initiate contact with her? Is it love that I haven't gotten over? Can one person be addicted to another? I've read up on codependancy but I don't think this applies to me since I'm not trying to fix or control her. Actually I think I let her control me. Or am I afraid of being alone long term. My father told me once he had not had a date in 15 years. Geeez, but he died fairly contented so I guess he'd learned to live with it.

What I do know is that as long as I continue contact with her I will not move forward and she will continue to do me as she does, hot and cold. I just don't understand why I don't move along.


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## 3Xnocharm

RGG1957 said:


> What I do know is that as long as I continue contact with her I will not move forward and she will continue to do me as she does, hot and cold. I just don't understand why I don't move along.


So, you ARE aware of what you need to do. You have to just DO it. I know how hard it can be, I did the same with my ex, and had to just have some tough love with myself over it. All I was doing was continually hurting myself, which is really stupid when you look at it. Stopping contact was the only way I could move forward. You wont die, I promise!


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## Openminded

You don't cut the cord because you're scared of life without her. And, yes, you are definitely codependent.


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## whitehawk

RGG1957 said:


> So true and why I'm stuck here is not her fault but mine. We get along a day or two and I think everything is going well and perhaps we'll get back together. Then bam!! out of no where she becomes this mean, awful person to me that I left to begin with. And after each of these episodes I ask myself, OK do you feel better now? No!!
> 
> So why do I still initiate contact with her? Is it love that I haven't gotten over? Can one person be addicted to another? I've read up on codependancy but I don't think this applies to me since I'm not trying to fix or control her. Actually I think I let her control me. Or am I afraid of being alone long term. My father told me once he had not had a date in 15 years. Geeez, but he died fairly contented so I guess he'd learned to live with it.
> 
> What I do know is that as long as I continue contact with her I will not move forward and she will continue to do me as she does, hot and cold. I just don't understand why I don't move along.




But was she always like that , was that her to live with all these years usually too, is that why your family never liked her and were so hard on her ?
Nothing mentions why your family were so hard on her for so long, or what your wife was like as a person normally , aside from all the family stuff .

l mean if it was the family treating your wife , like this all these years for no reason , and you didn't back her up , and now you've divorced her because she couldn't all handle that . God your own wife would have spent years in torment and hurt and now all this .
Who could blame her for being a bit wacko now !

But if she's always been moody and [email protected] to them , to you , to fkg everyone , this on off psycho type person and that's why they've always been so hard on her , spose that's another story.

Why did she go of at your GD anyway ? Has your GD sided with them all these yrs and treated her like [email protected] for no reason and then you've never backed her up or what's the story there ?


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## whitehawk

SamuraiJack said:


> I was startled to see that the stranger who was once my wife bore a striking resemblance to my mother.
> 
> I got a look at her and then it hit me.
> Laughed all the way home after dropping the kids off.
> :rofl:



Mines changed so much , aged, extra weight. 
She reminds me of her mother now , who l never really did like. 
l see two people now . A person l use to love and her looks ,things we shared but - it's not what your really seeing now . But she's totally different, this newer her that's the reality now and pretty hard to even like.
She has a whole new life , friends. 

So sometimes l wonder just wtf l'm even bothered with about all this then , why ? Subconsciously l still believe the old her is still in there 

We still get a long as good as we ever did if we drop our guards , l see the old her surface, it's all very fkg weird. Yet she pushed for the divorce and when l stalled she kept pushing. In the end l thought fk it and just signed. 
l'm still figuring it all out :scratchhead:


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## RGG1957

I have been asked here and on other TAM sites why my family disliked her so much, and I've struggled to answer that because I'm honestly not sure. I've thought that she made a bad impression when we first met my mom, since she mostly kept her nose in a magazine the entire weekend and my mom, sister and brothers expected her to jump in and help with things like setting the table, helping prepare the meals, etc. and she did none of that.

Then I thought maybe my daughter saw her as someone that competed with her for my time. As I said earlier when we started dating I was babysitting for my daughter 5 nights a week and I told her I wanted to cut that back. She told me you won't see your granddaughter anymore and I didn't for 3 months.

After a while I decided my mother and my daughter will never like anyone I have in my life and they'd just as soon see me alone rather than with someone else I care about. Makes me fearful of future relationships.

Of course my ex didn't help matters any with her explosive temper. My family has seen me go spend the night with the kids just to get away from her when she was raising he!!, usually about my family. When we were dating her mantra was "I don't cook, I don't clean, and I [email protected]$ alot. At the time I didn't realize how litteral she was with that. 

But now I believe the problem, and all of it, lies with me. I allowed circumstances to exist that I never should have. The first time the ex shoved me into the wall I should have stopped that from ever happening again. I should have walked then or let her know if she ever did that again, that would be it for us. But I didn't and I let i go on. And the first time my daughter or mom were rude to her I should have stopped it then and let them know that I would not tolerate them being that way towards her. She was the person I chose to be with and they should respect that.

Now I have to live with the consequences of my inaction. I have no marriage, no home, not the life I had envisioned for myself. My daughter and now my daughter n law continue to push me around as I see it. They keep tabs on what I do for each others kids and demand the same in kind for their kids. example:
Two weeks ago I was going to pickup my daughters 2 year old son and have him spend the day with Papa. I thought we'd work on my boat, go to the AF Base and look at planes then go get a burger and shake. But since he's only 2 he backed out at the last minute. So I figured he's still too young. Then a few days later out of the blue my 10 year old grandson calls me up and says Papa can you come get me so we can hang out together. I really want to. This kid lives to play video games and doesn't have much of an interest for anything else, so I feel my daughter n law was behind his request. So I told him I was busy this weekend (no lie) but maybe the next.

Last week I gave my son and daughter n law some money to help buy school clothes for the kids. Not much just $50.00 or so. The next day I get a call from my daughter wanting to know if I gave them money for school. I said yes I did and she said well what about us. I said you home school (which I don't agree with) so your kids don't need school clothes. She said no I have to pay for classes and other activities and you have to be fair, you have to give us money too. I said I'll get the money to you next week.

When I hung up the phone I was so mad at myself. I let all these people push me around and I haven't done anything to stop it. What I do with one grandkid is nobody's business except me and the kids parents. Also I don't need kids calling me up asking me to take them places. I know it's the parents behind this making sure their kid doesn't get left out. When I want to do something with one of the grandkids I should be the one making the plans and making the calls, not them.

However I haven't said anything to anyone about this yet. Am I off-base here? I don't think I'll ever get my life straightened out until I set some boundaries and even harder be ready to enforce those boundaries if they're broken. No unenforced law is worth the paper it's written on. Has anyone else been through this with family? Any ideas how to handle it?


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## 3Xnocharm

RGG, your ex wife sounds like she is not a very nice or pleasant person, no matter what the circumstances. Someone like that coming into your already loaded situation was a bad mix from the get-go. And you are correct that YOU are the issue with your family, you accept their disrespect. There is a book that I see recommended here on TAM all the time called No More Mr Nice Guy. I would suggest you give it a read.


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## ne9907

RGG1957 said:


> So why do I still initiate contact with her? Is it love that I haven't gotten over? Can one person be addicted to another?
> .


Please take this into consideration:
Do you contact her as a way to show her how much she has hurt you? So in return, she will hurt herself? Is this your way of manipulating her emotions? Do you want to show her how she fvcked you up as a person? Do you get gratification or happy whenever she texts back?

I apologize if I sound mean. I used to text my ex for those reasons. I wanted to show him how pathetic and sad I was because he fvcked over our marriage. I wanted to show him how he had destroyed the romantic soul inside of me. I wanted him to aknowledge his guilt. I would get a pervesed glee out of his sadness for my sadness....

I stopped that behavior when my therapist forced me to find the reason why I kept breaking NC, and also because ex just texts/interacts with me when he needs something or validation from a woman. I am much happier now.

Good luck to you


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## Openminded

A step in the right direction with your family would be to email them (if you can't tell them in person or on the phone) what your new boundaries are -- which would be the things you said in your last post. When they overstep, you remind them of the boundaries. And stick to it. They aren't going to be happy. Keep repeating what you told them. 

Right now you are a doormat for everyone and they are all trying to run your life. That's no way to live.


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## esrum1

It's been said several times in these three pages of posts - "time". Couldn't attest to this more. Truly, there is absolutely no distraction that can speed up the process or get the ex out of your head, only "time". 

Four other things helped me pass the time, but time was what it took:

1. Focusing on my daughter
2. Putting 10 times more effort and focus into my work/career
3. Working out, eating healthy, getting in shape and engaging in hobbies
4. When I was ready, dating

We all have different ways to train our brains. What I started doing is every time that I would think about my ex-wife (you know, the mind movies and dwelling on the cheating and the lying, etc.) I would chug a 24oz. bottle of water. Just down the whole thing. At first I was putting down 4 to 5 liters of water daily (probably too much). But, focusing on downing the bottle of water got my mind refocused on something else. 

But, in the end, only "time" will work.


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## poppyseed

RGG1957 said:


> So true and why I'm stuck here is not her fault but mine. We get along a day or two and I think everything is going well and perhaps we'll get back together. Then bam!! out of no where she becomes this mean, awful person to me that I left to begin with. And after each of these episodes I ask myself, OK do you feel better now? No!!


One answer in brief:

Bi-polar.


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## poppyseed

RGG1957 said:


> I just don't understand why I don't move along.


Because you're perpetually being so passive. By being passive, you surrender all your control and power to a more dominant character and you sit wondering what is going wrong in your personal life.


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## poppyseed

Openminded said:


> You don't cut the cord because you're scared of life without her. And, yes, you are definitely codependent.


:iagree: CO-dependency.


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## SamuraiJack

No way in He!! I would take that type of behavior from my kids. Thats just insane.

Seems like you have taught everyone how to treat you badly and your family doesnt sound too nice to begin with. 

You need to figure out how YOU want to be treated and insist that it happens. 

It's the only way you will ever be truly happy.


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## RGG1957

I think everyone is right. I have not been assertive with people in my life and I'm not exactly sure why this is. I have yet to take up the issue with my daughter and daughter n law about putting me in the middle when it comes to their kids. Just dreading the confrontation I guess. 

My relationship with the ex is still the roller coaster ride it ever was. We went to the movies last Monday and had a good time. I took her to lunch last Wednesday and again, a good time. Then by yesterday she became all cold and hateful towards me on the phone. She makes me feel like I'm a bother to her even when she calls me. She called and asked me how much she should sell or old washer and dryer for. Once I told her what I thought would be a good price, she said "OK, that's all I wanted" and just hung up the phone on me. Not even a good bye. I'm thinking why is she being so cold to me for. So I called her back, which I shouldn't have done because it only leads to frustration for me.

So I call her back and asked her what her problem with me was. She said nothing and brought up she didn't even have the courtesy to say good bye on the phone. Why? Then she unloaded on me. Because you're still the same, you'll never change. Your kids will always run your life, just like when your daughter told you to give her money. I'm like but I haven't given her any money. That doesn't matter she never should have asked for it. 

You left me for them. You chose them over me. You'll never change. We don't need to have any contact for a while. Click!

I've decided no one else is crazy, I'm the crazy one for putting up with all this. I feel stuck in the middle with hatred on all sides of me and I haven't done anything to stop it. The ex is gone I need to realize that and move on. My kids need to learn respect for me and they're not going to do that unless I teach them and I haven't done that yet either.


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## 3Xnocharm

RGG1957 said:


> I think everyone is right. I have not been assertive with people in my life and I'm not exactly sure why this is. I have yet to take up the issue with my daughter and daughter n law about putting me in the middle when it comes to their kids. Just dreading the confrontation I guess.
> 
> My relationship with the ex is still the roller coaster ride it ever was. We went to the movies last Monday and had a good time. I took her to lunch last Wednesday and again, a good time. Then by yesterday she became all cold and hateful towards me on the phone. She makes me feel like I'm a bother to her even when she calls me. She called and asked me how much she should sell or old washer and dryer for. Once I told her what I thought would be a good price, she said "OK, that's all I wanted" and just hung up the phone on me. Not even a good bye. I'm thinking why is she being so cold to me for. So I called her back, which I shouldn't have done because it only leads to frustration for me.
> 
> So I call her back and asked her what her problem with me was. She said nothing and brought up she didn't even have the courtesy to say good bye on the phone. Why? Then she unloaded on me. Because you're still the same, you'll never change. Your kids will always run your life, just like when your daughter told you to give her money. I'm like but I haven't given her any money. That doesn't matter she never should have asked for it.
> 
> You left me for them. You chose them over me. You'll never change. We don't need to have any contact for a while. Click!
> 
> I've decided no one else is crazy, I'm the crazy one for putting up with all this. I feel stuck in the middle with hatred on all sides of me and I haven't done anything to stop it. The ex is gone I need to realize that and move on. My kids need to learn respect for me and they're not going to do that unless I teach them and I haven't done that yet either.


Yes, she is right, but it isnt JUST your kids running your life, its her too. Its everyone BUT YOU. And as far as choosing them over her, well thats what a dad SHOULD do...well, normally anyway. You probably need to cut them ALL out of your life for a while. Also a wife should never issue that ultimatum in the first place, you dont put yourself between a parent and their kids, no matter what the ages. I am glad you are starting to see that the solution lies with YOU. Your first step toward a happy life is finding your voice.


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## poppyseed

RGG1957 said:


> I've decided no one else is crazy, I'm the crazy one for putting up with all this.


It's good that you finally started to see it.
You are a doormat with a poor boundary setting. Ged rid of this woman who treats you like a doormat.


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## Openminded

Yes, I totally agree you're the crazy one for letting other people run your life. You need to figure out why you have so little sense of self worth that you allow that to happen. There will always be people who try to use you. You don't have to let that happen. But until you fix that you are always going to be a doormat for your ex-wife and your family to walk all over.


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## RGG1957

Well I had a pretty good weekend, at least until yesterday afternoon. I spent most of the day Saturday with my son and grandson getting the dear lease ready for next season. Sunday morning I ran a half-marathon and took first place in the 50-59 (Geezer) catagory. After that high, the afternoon was more emotional. I had not had any contact with her since she went flakey on me last Thursday. 

However a couple of weeks ago I promised her I would go over to the house and do some maintenance work that needed to be done. Since she and her kids were going to be out of town I thought this would be a good time to do it. Besides I had to do some laundry and I hate laundry mats. Well it became very emotional for me, working on a house that's no longer mine. And even though I was able to get the clothes washed I starting thinking I should have took a good book and went to the laundry mat.

Then the strangest of all. She calls me and is all mad because I did so well in the race and my running group gave everyone in the group, that ran the race, a big shout out, except me. So she gets on FB and sends them a scathing message about how RGG volunteered to get the course ready then ran such a good race and no mention of his accomplishments. Actually I met this running group through her. She doesn't run with the group, but still knows most of the members.

Is it me or is her behavior irrational. One instance she acts like I'm a huge bother to her, then she's all over social media because she thinks I'm not getting any deserved credit. I'm just trying to figure this out, but I don't think I should read into it too deeply.


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## 3Xnocharm

I wouldnt read too much into it. She ended up being a bully, like she always is, only this time to the running group!


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## Openminded

Do your laundry elsewhere. And stop volunteering to do things for her at the house. You need to cut the cord and no better time than now. 

And, yes, she's a bully. With a very foul mouth. You may choose to forget what she said about your granddaughter but I never will. I'm still shocked she said that. And that you would want to be with someone who spoke about you and your granddaughter that way.


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## poppyseed

RGG

Have you thought about posting this under "physical and mental health issues"? She probably has no control over herself by the sound of it, not even aware what she does may affect others / her personal relationships around her. Does she have any history of brain injury? I agree with other posters. If one's relationship is hurting you, then it's time to pack the bag and leave. Just stop trying to "understand" her. Then, you are getting engaged rather than moving on.


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## SamuraiJack

poppyseed said:


> RGG
> 
> Have you thought about posting this under "physical and mental health issues"? She probably has no control over herself by the sound of it, not even aware what she does may affect others / her personal relationships around her. Does she have any history of brain injury? I agree with other posters. If one's relationship is hurting you, then it's time to pack the bag and leave. Just stop trying to "understand" her. Then, you are getting engaged rather than moving on.


I have to agree with this. She sounds very inconsistent and almost "entitled" to be with you.

Some times the hardest decision we have to make is to leave somebody we care about...but simply cant live with.

Visualize yourself walking away from her while snipping the connections with scissors...


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## RGG1957

Well I stayed home from work today after an ordeal with her last night. In this almost six months of seperation and divorce I've never let it interfere with my work. Last night after I got off the phone with her I was so upset I couldn't sleep. I thought Lord I can't go through another day at work with no sleep, there's been so many already. I just feel terrible all day long. So I text my boss and said I was ill and wouldn't be in. Now I feel bad for missing work. I think I'll try to go in at noon and salvage half a day.

Yesterday I phoned her office since I had not heard from her that day and left a message for her to call. Of course she didn't, so last night about 10:00 PM I called and she answered. We made small talk for a little while, then I said the dumb thing " How do you think we're doing"? And she replies she doesn't think we're doing anything. And I told her I thought we were working on our relationship. And she went on and on about how we don't have a marriage and that I left her and I'll never change. She said no matter how bad things were I wasn't ready to walk out on you. I wasn't ready to divorce you how could you do that to me.

I told her that during the whole divorce procedure I said I was willing to put the divorce off a few months to try and reconcile, but that she refused to do so. Yes I filed, but I was trying to suspend the proceedings but she would not do it. She says I never would have filed. And I said of course not you were going on trips with your girlfriends and family, you were going to concerts, you were doing everything you wanted. At the time I left my family was not allowed to come to the house, you hadn't slept in our bed or spoken to me for three weeks, and as the final straw when I didn bring my granddaughter over you told me I could go f**k her. Yes these are some of the reasons I left and filed. She said well I can't think about getting together now we just need some space. Then she hung up. This was about 11:00 PM and my eyes were still open and all this running through my mind when the alarm clock went off at 5:00 and I felt like crap.

Now I wonder why? Why do I give her so much power over me? Even now when I do see her I see a mean, slightly chubbier and frumpier woman, that I can't seem to let go. There's no use trying to understand why she is the way she is. No blaming it on me or my kids, she just is who she is. What I can't understand is what has happened to me these last few years. 

Out of the blue an old military buddy sent me an FB message. I said he often thought back on our days in Desert Storm and all we had to go through. And he finished by saying "You held everyone together. You were a great leader". And I wonder Where did that Sergeant go. What happened to that great leader that could take a group of men into a hostile situation and hold everyone together. He's certainly not here now.

I've done some of the things I know I should. Kept myself in shape, upgraded my wardrobe, stay engaged with people around me. And yet six months into seperation and divorce I still find myself begging someone, who is not very nice to recocile with me. I've known her for over 10 years now and she's a total stranger to me.

I guess the two things I haven't worked are time and no contact. Time will happen, there's no stopping that. I guess "and this to will pass", has meaning. It's the no contact part I can't seem to do. And when we do have contact I'm the one that always comes away feeling frusterated and down. I guess I just need to keep working on myself.


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## 3Xnocharm

For the love of God, STOP reaching out to this horrible woman! When you dont hear from her, that is her doing you a HUGE FAVOR! You have NO more ties to this woman, so BLOCK HER number and her email and get on with your life!


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## SamuraiJack

Some people are probably face palming right now and thinking “WTH is wrong with you?”

Well…I will tell you. 
She has your BUTTONS.
Plain and simple, she knows how to work you and keep you on your left foot at all times. Have you noticed how it ALWAYS gets put back on you?
She is purposefully driving you crazy so she can be the one to say “He walked away…”. This is a very passive aggressive way to get you to leave so she doesn’t have to shoulder any of the blame.
She knows exactly what to say to you to get the results she needs.

In other words…you are compromised.

What do we do when a field op is compromised? We take him OFF THE FIELD.

She has already shown you that she can’t play nice with any of the people who matter in your life and yet you are still letting her jerk your strings.
WHAT are you getting out of this?

If anyone ever said anything like that about my kin, that would be the last time they said it. Married or not.
There are some things that can never be unsaid or unheard…and she went there.

You need to actually make up your mind to do no contact and then follow through with it.
If you feel like calling her, then come post here instead.
There are good people here who WILL read and understand what you are going through.

You have received a TON of good information here…now it’s time to be that Sargent and actually put it to good use.
Take yourself off the field and stop feeding her.

This is the ONLY way you will get this under control.


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## IcePrincess28

Love is like a drug. When you go thru a breakup- you experience: extreme depression. insomnia. Loss of appetite. Some of us feel a temporary loss of "meaning of life". 

Symptoms of a drug withdrawal- (i'm not sure what they are- but i just wanted to use an extreme analogy) - however- from what i read(lets use heroin for example)- it takes about 5 days - 2 weeks of physical sickness. If, during that very difficult period- one were to relapse and get a "little bump"-ie. a text, or a phone call- they feel better temporarily- only to have offset withdrawal- by a little- then that pain again. 

Lets say- 4 days of hell into withdrawal- you give up- and go all in- and start using - aka start seeing her w/ the full intent of a relationship - you're only putting off the inevitable hell of withdrawal- for however long you can put off the "relationship rock bottom." If you- go into this all in- and do soooo well- for a year. You're still somewhat of a recovering addict for your ex wife (for a drug addict, they say they are in lifelong recovery) - so even if you do well for a year of staying away- "using" for a day/going on a date with her- can quickly turn into- using for a weekend- and then, you're a full blown user again/relationship with her again. 

You're attempting to be in "recovery" right now. You're a love addict for her. (codependency, chemical dependency- etc- these things run hand in hand, have a lot of similarities- and really, are one and same metaphorically.) Just like a recovering drug addict can't just do drugs on tuesday and thursday- you can't do tuesday and thursday salsa with her. You can't do ANYTHING with her. Bc tuesday thursday, will turn into 3 days. Then 5. Then full blown addiction. You already know the type of person she is. Do you really want to go thru full blown withdrawal/breakup again?

If a drug could have a personality- like the cigarette ads on tv, that say, "when i want to go outside, you go outside." etc.- it would be her. She taunts you with her companionship. this is what it would be like for us baby. how wonderful is this? we are getting along so well. She paints this mirage. And then all of a sudden- before you realized what happened- you're sitting in your car- and she's stormed off. Bc after hanging the banana over your head- she did not realize you've taken some time to work on your "recovery" tools- and you stood your ground when she tried to take control and use leverage regarding your granddaughter staying the weekend. When it did not work. POOFFF smoke. And the devil/witch disappears after a shriek. Bc no matter how much she could ever like you- her love for herself and selfish ways- far exceed it. Its her way. And she could never live nor accept anything else. 

This was never just about being "second" to your granddaughter, nor about your family.- its the fact that she even thinks she is "second" bc she made you choose. Someone that loves you- will never make you choose. Bc they know that if you did choose- you would be hurting either way, in addition to one of the parties being hurt from the rejection of being cut out.


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## 3Xnocharm

IP28, that post is SPOT ON! I had the same thoughts, but couldnt quite find the wording! :smthumbup:


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## RGG1957

IP28, you provided a very insightful post. I never really thought of my situation (which I have chosen to create) is like an addiction. But now I can see the similarities. Last Tuesday when she was ugly to me on the phone I felt nervous and endured a sleepless night and felt that way most of Wednesday until she called Wednesday evening to say she was sorry for the way she had spoken to me. Almost instantly I felt a sense of relief come over me. All the anxiety and nervousness was gone. Just like the symtoms an addict feels when he needs a fix and how he feels once he gets it. It's like I got my fix of her and all was well. But just like the dope, nothing good will come of it and only bad will follow the good. I am trying come to grips with this and realistically accept that I need to realize my future life will be without her in it. I have stopped trying to initiate any contact with her, but I still take her calls and I need to stop this.


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## Openminded

I think you would benefit from professional help. It would help you in all your relationships.


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