# His & Hers vs. Ours



## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

I've seen a number of threads recently about resentments occurring in couples that keep separate finances. 

Maybe I'm naïve or incredibly old-fashioned, I just don't get the whole concept of separate finances. It seems so alien to me that when two people are forging a life together, there would be any accounting of what's his and what's hers. In my mind, when you are married everything - every asset, every credit and every debt - is "ours." The whole hers and mine mentality just seems like it would be a barrier or an implied admission that you're not really in this together. I honestly don't get it and I would be really interested to know how couples do the separate accounts thing and how they feel it impacts their relationship, for better or worse. I'm also curious about how people arrive at their marital accounting methodology. I honestly don't ever remember having a discussion with my wife when we were engaged or dating about whether to treat our finances separately or jointly, we just did it. Is this odd? 

Putting this is here instead of in the Finances in Marriage forum because I'm more interested in how it effects/reflects the relationship than the actual dollars and cents issues.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

For a second marriage, it is pretty typical.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I think most traditional, Judeo-Christian families used the "one-flesh" tenet of marriage to justify merging their lives completely.

With the decline of religion and the rise of divorce, it became more common to separate finances. It can be more practical to treat finances separately. It will certainly ease the separation of assets if they're already separated.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I don't know that's it's an actual reflection of the relationship. In my case, we had a system that was working for us, so after the wedding, we saw no reason to change it. We'd lived together for a few years before we got married and naturally hadn't combined accounts then. Plus, my ex's approach to bill paying is "if they want the money they'll call me". Combined with his rather expensive car hobby, I couldn't see a benefit to blending finances any more than absolutely necessary to keep the lights on.

I would say though, that we married when we were well into our 30's. I think that makes a difference as well, much like Faithful Wife said with second marriages. I'm sure that if we'd gotten married right out of college or something, we would have done it differently.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

ScrewedEverything said:


> The whole hers and mine mentality just seems like it would be a barrier or an implied admission that you're not really in this together .


Our finances are joint, but I have been the sole breadwinner for just about all of our marriage so what would be the point of separate accounts? My income would be funding them both either way.

I will say this. The ease with which people enter and exit marriages seems to make the idea of commitment pretty flimsy. So many people, have a warped sense of entitlement that I can understand why they want to have their income separate. Not the kind of marriage I would want, but I can understand it. 

Face it. Marriage is not what it used to be. In general, our society's values are not what they used to be. It stands to reason that as these things evolve, so will the basic interactions within a marriage.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

We have separate finances, and this is the second marriage for both of us. Our split of bills is equitable, and neither of us bean counts. We both have kids though; his daughter was in her late teens when we met and although she is a great person that I get along well with she's also spoiled, imo. She's an only child so she had to have what she wanted, and I felt that if we mixed money I'd feel compelled to get involved in what he was spending on her. This way, as long as he wasn't asking me to pick up slack because he was giving her money I stayed out of it. I have two boys that I get child support for and I don't want to justify what I spend on them. This has worked out well for us, but maybe it's partly because our incomes are close. I will add that we really don't think of it as mine and yours, and we both know what the other has. We also discuss large purchases.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

My ex and I had separate finances.I will never do that again. 

my DH and I will be combining everything after we settle on our house this month.I'm looking forward to that kind of unity since I didn't have it in my first marriage.
I didn't realize how much I resented separate finances until it was all said and done.It wasn't because I was strapped,that wasn't the case at all.It felt so cold and distant somehow.even though it's just money it had an emotional impact on me that I didn't think would happen.It sort of contributed to the "roommates who f**k" feeling.We didn't share anything,didn't own anything together,didn't sit down monthly to go over our bills and budget,etc. 
I know it sounds ridiculous but having separate finances probably contributed to how careless we both ultimately felt about our marriage.All one of us had to do was walk away and that was that.

I get why people do it and previously I would be the first in line to recommend it but it doesn't work for me anymore.I make a lot more than DH but I'm happy to add him to my investments and bank accounts.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

That's another point. I think that for separate finances to be a non-issue, both partners have to have roughly equal income and expenses. For all but the earliest part of our relationship, I would say that most years my ex and I made within about $5k of each other. Having already been able to support our living and other expenses individually, it wasn't a big deal to split out the joint expenses in an equitable way.


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## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

COGypsy said:


> That's another point. I think that for separate finances to be a non-issue, both partners have to have roughly equal income and expenses.


Maybe that's got something to do with why separate accounts strikes me as strange. Other than 4 years when my wife worked while I went to law school at night and we both earned roughly similar amounts, I've been the sole earner and she's been the SAHM, so separate accounts would never have made sense for us. As to other comments, we married young and both came from families where the father earned substantially all of the income.

To Scarlet's point though, the thing about separate finances that bugs me the most I guess is the idea that, even if you amicably and equitably contribute and split the burdens, there is still this piece that you keep just for yourself and the other can't have.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

ScrewedEverything said:


> To Scarlet's point though, the thing about separate finances that bugs me the most I guess is the idea that, even if you amicably and equitably contribute and split the burdens, *there is still this piece that you keep just for yourself and the other can't have.*


That's the part that actually made it work for us. I HATED his stupid Jeep and the time and money he spent on it. He never understood why I would donate to charities and actually acknowledge holidays and birthdays by giving gifts to people or "waste" time and money by getting manicures with my girlfriends or similar things. By keeping things separate, we never had to have the fight about who was spending more than their share on what.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

We share everything and we don't fight about who spends money on what. We have one rule, that if it's going to cost more than $100 we tell each other first.

He is in charge of the finances, bill paying etc. There have been a few times where I gave him the stink eye about some decision he's made, but he's beat himself up over it first and fixes it. We've had previous marriages where he did everything separate and so did I and in each situation we were glad we did. Our ex's were really horrible with money. Mine started out joint, but ended with separate accounts because of bad decisions. His started out the same way. 

If you're like minded you have to do what works for your relationship.


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## bailingout (Jan 25, 2013)

I think it really depends on the couple. 

When we first married, I made a tad bit more, joint accounts, no problem it was ours. We both worked regularly.

After a while I made significantly more, put it into the joint accounts, no problem, it was ours. He claimed to want "a career change" I supported it, in reality he was busy playing a lot while I was working my arse off.

After birth of child, his career change finally took off and the pendulum swung to him making more (I stayed home), and the problem rises, it was no longer ours it was his and all's I did was spend it. But because I wasn't producing income (little did I know that he places NO VALUE on any domestic duty required), I didn't do anything but spend money. 

Dollar for dollar we are within 5% equal income averaged over the course of the marriage, some years I made over 6 figures, some years I made none, same for him, but he has amnesia in regards to my contributions. He only remembers the years I made none.

As a result, I am working toward separating all finances as much as feasibly possible while being married and if I divorce and remarry, I will still maintain a certain level of separation of $$.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

bailingout said:


> I think it really depends on the couple.
> 
> When we first married, I made a tad bit more, joint accounts, no problem it was ours. We both worked regularly.
> 
> ...


This right here, what I've highlighted is what the crux of the separate finance issue often comes right down to.
I don't think it has anything to do with whether or not your SO loves you, or how much they love you, I think it's because they have an unhealthy relationship with money.
Money is the end all, be all to them & because of it, they can't or won't see the forrest for the trees. 
I've often seen how when the $$$ is coming in, it's "our" income, but should that shift to a single earner income, it's suddenly "my" income.
That's why it's critical to discuss finances before you get married, your two money management styles may not mesh.
Of course there is no guarantee your SO may change their perceptions of finances.
We did discuss finances before marriage, but it wasn't until after it came time to put things into place that I got pushback. 

In my case, my H got so controlling with money it almost did lead to a divorce.
It stems from his parent's relationship & how they treat each other regarding money.
His father is so bad, he wouldn't pay for anything to do with his own kids, he made my MIL pay for them, because as far as he was concerned, she was in charge of the kids.
He spent all his money on flying lessons, while my MIL struggled to pay bills, buy groceries & clothe her 2 kids.
To this day, their money is separate, they have no joint accounts, including retirement accounts. 
My H grew up in this toxic environment, where he learned to keep his money separate.
We still keep our checking accounts separate, but he has gotten better about co-mingling with me.
He no longer gives me an itemized statement each month with what I owe & we do have savings & retirement accounts together.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

My wife and I have separate accounts , separate investments even in the same investment company. 
Our saving accounts are in different banks.

But we are fully cognisant of what our plans are and what it would take to achieve them.

At the beginning of our marriage , we had joint accounts and it didn't work well.
Too much petty squabbles, and she likes the idea of control over her accounts without having to constantly consult with me.

We then tried separating the accounts and splitting the bills, and it worked and is still working.
Been married 18 years.
I think it probably works for us because we both make the same amount of money. [ we own a business]

While I understand the concept behind joint accounts etc, in our case , it is not a necessity , and my wife has always been financially independent.
Many times in the past she has helped me financially , when I was building this business.
So I think hers' is a justifiable position, in this case.

However I firmly believe that every woman should at least have a separate 
" rainy day " saving, even if she's in a joint account with her husband. No matter how small it is, money saved always comes in handy.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

My H and I have separate current accounts and savings accounts PLUS a joint current account and savings account. I would never want it any other way.

I like to be able to treat my H to a dinner out every once in a while and have ME pay for it. I like that I can buy him a birthday present with out him knowing how much it cost.

Currently I earn 60% more than my H. All that means is that I put more in the joint accounts every month.

Even if at some point in the future I were to stay at home (or he was) to raise children I would still want my own account. The money left over after paying the bills and adding to joint savings would be split evenly between the two of us to do with as we please (the same would apply if I was working and he was at home).

Maybe I should add that we have no trust issues and both have the same attitude toward money. The only debt we have is the mortgage and a car loan, both joint.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

We run separate current accounts, always have and now she has her own small business it makes it easier for her to keep track of her finances for tax purposes. She has always liked to have some money she can spend without consulting me.The house (our major asset) is in both names, however. Other assets are held in whoever's name makes most sense for tax and other, practical purposes. It probably helps that we have both always known we were totally committed to our marriage so there have never been any 'what if' moments. 

My income has always been much larger than hers so I pick up all the big bills including all the household expenditure. Does it bother me that I contribute so much more financially? No, I did not marry her for money!


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

tryingtobebetter said:


> We run separate current accounts, always have and now she has her own small business it makes it easier for her to keep track of her finances for tax purposes. She has always liked to have some money she can spend without consulting me.The house (our major asset) is in both names, however. Other assets are held in whoever's name makes most sense for tax and other, practical purposes. It probably helps that we have both always known we were totally committed to our marriage so there have never been any 'what if' moments.
> 
> My income has always been much larger than hers so I pick up all the big bills including all the household expenditure. Does it bother me that I contribute so much more financially? No, I did not marry her for money!


what I like about this type of arrangement is the financial flexibility of both partners.

Both my wife and I have separate accounts like I posted earlier.

My favourite pair of gym sneakers is going to pieces. I still wear it because i love it and its comfortable. It's a bit expensive , and I didn't really want to spend that amount of money on a pair of sneakers again [ lol , I must be getting old!]

Yesterday she told me that she ordered a new pair for me online and paid for it , with her card / money. So I now have a _new _pair, free, courtesy , my wife.
She always does that sort of thing for me.

The laptop I'm using at this moment was bought by her a few years ago , when mine got lost.

I handle most of the big bills at home , but it's no problem for me , i gladly do it.

I know this type of arrangement is not attractive for most couples , but it works for us , and it affords a certain amount of freedom.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> what I like about this type of arrangement is the financial flexibility of both partners.
> 
> Both my wife and I have separate accounts like I posted earlier.
> 
> ...


I like this arrangement, it has a feeling of mutuality, not keeping score of who pays/buys what.
We're working towards this, it's been a long time coming, but eventually we're going to get there, my H has made vast improvements in how he sees money in a marriage.


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## James C (Sep 6, 2013)

We have joint everything. We both take an allowance every week to do with as we please. 

We have always been on the same page and made sacrifices towards the greater goal. We kept it simple over the years, just spend less than we make and don't live outside our means. 

I've brought in a significant amount of money more than my wife over the 20+ years but she has busted her azz going to school and taking care of our son. It doesn't matter to me how much disparity there is in income. I have watched her make sacrifices in the lean years and work hard when she could have played the prima Donna. It is as much hers as mine. 

This works for us based on our personalities and situation. I totally get separating finances in 2nd marriages and relationships later in life when careers have already been established. 

I believe financial compatibility is as important as sexual compatibility in a relationship. Ok- maybe a little less important.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

This has been one of our issues in our marriage too. My H had an ex who was a SAHM but they had a joint account and he always accused her of spending all his hard earned money and why could she get a job and spend her own money. So when we got together, there was no way he would even consider a joint account. I ended up taking over most of the bill paying because his idea of paying bills was waiting til a service or utility was shut off and then paying it. Gradually I realized I was paying for most of the bills myself because of this. I have set up automatic payments for some bills he has to pay, and the division is a little more equal now. But he still won't contribute to our son's expenses, like dr bills, school expenses, and activities. So I do feel a little resentment, partly because I feel like a single mom and partly because I was judged based on his ex and her spending habits.

With my ex, we had a joint account but he had the checkbook and ATM card and he controlled all the money. He would take my paycheck and give me an "allowance" which wasn't even enough to put gas in my car, resulting in me running out of gas with our baby daughter in the car frequently. So that didn't work either. Not sure what is the right way.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I think it depends on the individuals involved and their personality types.
Some people , especially men , and I say this without apology, use money as a means of control in a relationship.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Caribbean Man said:


> I think it depends on the individuals involved and their personality types.
> Some people , especially men , and I say this without apology, use money as a means of control in a relationship.


I agree with this. 

When a couple trust each other, and they are responsible with their finance, joint account or separate account, either way will work out fine. 

My husband and I put our money together. We never thought about having separate accounts. We put our money together even before we got married. My husband grew up in a very religious background, so he just assumes it's his responsibility to look after the family's financial needs. I grew up in China, I just assumed my role of managing money. I had been making a little more than he did for a short while, but now his salary is almost twice of mine. We never have any problems with money. When we buy something and do something, there is no hesitation as who should pay. It's always our money. There is no secrecy. We are both clear with how much money we make, how much money we spend, and how much money we save. Even though I am in charge of our money, I have never been controlling as how much money he can spend. He can spend whatever he wants within our agreement. We each have a bank card. I am very careful with money, my husband knows it very well. I don't like to spend much money on myself, sometimes he has to encourage me to spend more money on myself.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Each to their own with what works.

We've had our finances and everything combined since within the first two years of being together. We just check-in with each other if we're going to spend a larger amount. It's not asking permission, it's just a respect thing. We're supportive of what the other wants.

The big spends - car, vacation, house .....that's worked out together so we're both good with the decision. He loves cars and chooses when/what new car to get. He does all the research (he's one of those thorough knowing all the details types), then brings me up to speed. I like what he chooses anyway, and then we work out the financials of it. Except for the Aston Martin that he day-dreamed a bit too long over and thought it wasn't out of the question to consider working into the budget lol. err no.

I'm the one that pays the bills, mortgage, allocates savings. Like green pearl, he encourages me to spend more on myself. I'm getting used to that! I love to travel (we both do), so I also ensure we have funds for vacations. If I'm to spend, travel would be the thing I value most.

It's weird now I think about it - he's the one that will research but financially is more the risk-taker. Whereas I'm the one that tends to just jump straight in to something but financially am more cautious. 

His income, my income, but really it's all ours. Which is funny if we go out to dinner and I say I'm going to take care of the bill. He says "Ooh, you're buying me dinner?" But it's out of our account anyway. I also thank him for getting me dinner if he takes care of the bill. It just feels nice... maybe because it's date-like.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

My wife and I have combined finances and I believe it is the only way to go. A true marriage makes two people into one. And there is no reason why that should not extend to finances. If your keeping them apart because they will be easier to separate in the event of a divorce, you never should have got married. 

But with that said, ours were not always combined. We have been married 20+ years but in the early years of our marriage my wife had a credit card spending proem. She would take out credit cards using her parents address so I did not know about them. I found out about them when I applied for a loan to buy a motorcycle and was rejected because she had bills that were 30+ days overdue. I paid off her cards and she promised it would not happen again, but it did. The second time I made her close her account and use mine, and that if this happened again I was gone and would take the kids with me. It never happened again. 

In my mind having combined finances is just one less area of the marriage that mistrust can occur. We each can see every dime the other spends. I am not for sure, but would venture to say that in a large number of cases of EA one or both involved have separate finances from their spouse. It's a whole lot easier to pay for a hotel room for me and the women I'm cheating on my wife with if there is no chance she will ever know about the expense. 

Just my 2 cents worth
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Me & my husband have *Joint Everything* BUT....and this is a Big BUT...I'd be the 1st to advise ANYONE...if one is a *careless spender* -letting bills pile up, in debt & the other is a *thrifty saver* paying every bill on time like clockwork ....don't do it ! Disaster & many fights likely await... 

I'm one of those very frugal people......even bought the  Tightwad Gazette years ago.... I knew early on ...although I never cared how much a man earned, I cared deeply *how he managed it*...

I could NEVER be matched with a frivolous spender... If $$ was tight...I'd want to rip him from limb to limb with every wasteful purchase.....as I seen our dreams slowly die, I would look upon him as my mortal enemy. 
Sounds nasty I suppose... I married a frugal man ...so my horns didn't have to come out.









In our Marriage, he earns 98% of what our family lives on....but he allows me to manage every dime...he probably hasn't written a check in years..... when we want to buy anything large, we sit down together, we weigh the pros & cons.... I gather all the information/ make calls / get prices/ details .....and we go forth together...neither is ever in the dark with our finances...

The other day a relative asked my husband if they can borrow $900... we talked about that... we gave it..we hope we see it again...before Christmas. If you both have the same goals...financially on the same page... *Joint *works very well...

Me & mine has never really had a fight over ...probably the closest thing would be...he'd want to get all the kids a Homemade rootbeer at a brewery out to eat and I am thinking..."Oh they can just get water"..but then I let it go, because it's SPECIAL / their own recipe...so it's worth it....I don't care for that added expense (because of our family size, this really adds up!)... but we gotta enjoy life too.


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

greenpearl said:


> When a couple trust each other, and they are responsible with their finance, joint account or separate account, either way will work out fine.


My H and I have joint checking and savings accounts for household stuff and then we each have our own separate accounts as well. We both work and earn roughly the same amount of money, and we consult eachother about any big joint purchases and then we each spend our own money however we wish. We have loads of relationship issues, but none are about finances. Actually financially we are super-compatible, our system works great for us, and we have had no problems in that area at all. I wish I could say as much for the rest of our marriage.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Separate does not necessarily create a yours and mine scenario. 

My wife and I have always maintained separate accounts. It has worked extremely well for us with little extra work and no additional frictions. We've argued about money once in our 25 years together. But it is important to note we have very similar attitudes on how we spend money. We are both tight with it. 

We have separate savings, checking accounts and credit cards within the same financial institution. We have signature on each other's accounts and the checks have both our names on them. The mortgage and any car loan we have ever had are in both names. We use our bank's bill pay function to manage the bills from the checking account that I have my pay checks deposited to. She has a set amount each pay check that automatically transfers to that account and I pay the bills. Since my compensation fluctuates from month to month I may be short one month and long the next. If I need more, I simply ask her to transfer more. If she's short on operating cash (Checking account) I transfer it from my savings account. If I'm long, I transfer the extra to savings. We try and keep our two savings accounts in balance of each other. There is no mine or hers, it is always considered community property.

Our investments are held individually also. IRAs and 401K. We are the listed beneficiaries of those in case of death. On all accounts, we have signature rights and passwords.

Again, probably the biggest reason we don't argue about money is we have similar opinions on how to spend and save it.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Me & my husband have *Joint Everything* BUT....and this is a Big BUT...I'd be the 1st to advise ANYONE...if one is a *careless spender* -letting bills pile up, in debt & the other is a *thrifty saver* paying every bill on time like clockwork ....don't do it ! Disaster & many fights likely await...
> 
> I'm one of those very frugal people......even bought the  Tightwad Gazette years ago.... I knew early on ...although I never cared how much a man earned, I cared deeply *how he managed it*...
> 
> ...


I agree with this. If one is a careless spender, and the other one is careful with his or her money, it's not a good idea to put their money together. The one who is responsible with money will resent the one who isn't. 

SA, you are doing an amazing job in this area. The US government should hire you to be their budget planner. OK, I am joking, but you know what I mean. From the information I read, what you husband makes is average income in the US, but you manage it so well. You may have to deprive yourselves materially a little bit, but the peace you have is tremendous. We often read that people who make over six figures are struggling financially or going bankrupt. I am usually surprised about it. But then I shouldn't be surprised about it, this world has become so materialistic and there are so many expensive things to buy and so many exotic places to go. If people can't control themselves, it's very easy to be tempted to spend more.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

greenpearl said:


> SA, you are doing an amazing job in this area. *The US government should hire you to be their budget planner.*


 Would you believe you are the 3rd TAM poster who has said similar to me... ha ha ... Well I would never get in office, as husband would say, I wouldn't cater & grease all the palms of those with special interests for one... I'd be far too much of a frugal radical .....being elected is such a racket.... I'd be hated, vilified, chopped to pieces in the media...and not a lick of a chance for anyone like that to ever get elected. Unless the country is in the gutter..then we change our focus (a shame people are like this!)

The truth is....People *LIKE *waste too much, they say they don't ...but their *LIVING* does not match what they speak.. they do the same things they judge the government for, they'll just say "it's my own money" so they can. 

Our country is going to hell because of all the pathetic debt we are in, I feel bad for our children's children...as this country has seen it's best days in the past.... we've screwed ourselves...with all the high living -and paying for it tomorrow. It's not that I am a pessimist - just a realist...when a country mismanages THIS BADLY...it's just a reflection of it's people...and their priorities....you might as well hand the reigns to someone else. 




> OK, I am joking, but you know what I mean. From the information I read, what you husband makes is average income in the US, but you manage it so well. You may have to deprive yourselves materially a little bit, but the peace you have is tremendous.


 Yes, blue collar Job, IN our area, Good income, but for the country....average, not even middle income really. We deprive in areas that mean little to us... like drinking pop out, new cars, monthly cell phone plans... extra cable channels, designer clothes, $100 shoes.... we buy our food on sale/ BOGO/ use coupons/ do rebates, shop for the best deals to be had...do consignment shops, Ebay, Flea Markets, use credit cards to earn cash back ($300 a year on 2 of them)...so long as you pay in full (we put all our food, insurances , taxes, gas on there, even our Oil for heating)......the list goes on & on... it makes me feel good to know I am stretching every dollar.. 

I used to be even better than I am now... but I've gotten a little LAX....spending so much time on the Net ....It's TAM's fault [email protected]#$ 



> We often read that people who make over six figures are struggling financially or going bankrupt. I am usually surprised about it.


 If you've ever seen any of the Lottery Winning programs they show, it's very ....it ruins many people......they play, they dream, they THINK $$ can buy them happiness... all they end up with is too damn many friends who aren't their real friends (but users)... and they spend as lightning...a few case stories here  The Curse of The Lottery: 5 Winners and Their Demise










I think it's GOOD to have *anticipation* for some things.. the idea of every young person starting out in a new car, new house is crazy to me... shouldn't we all struggle a little in the beginning and pay as it comes in our hands... to keep on top of debt. 

*My Biggest fear* is health issues/ cancer/ debilitating disease......Insurance to cover the needs of something like that...if one gets sick and doesn't have coverage to pay all the medical bills/ prescriptions -some outrageously priced ... this can destroy the wealthiest family ... We've been lucky here...so far.

 *Greenpearl* !


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## Wing Man (Jun 8, 2012)

My wife makes about twice my salary and handles all of our finances pretty much, because if she didn't I would bankrupt us in about two years or so and she isn't going to allow that to happen.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

My H makes all the money while I am a SAHM and get a couple hundred dollars a month for my son's SSI. Because my son's money has to be deposited into a special account, it remains "my" account and that is the only income that goes into it. My H has the same account he had when we met and his paychecks automatically split between it and a "bills" account. 

I pay a couple little bills out of mine because I want to feel like I'm doing my part, even if it isn't much. He takes care of the major bills such as mortgage and utilities out of the specified account. Anything that goes into the "daily living" account is accessible to either of us. While the account is only in his name, if I need to go get something I just snag his card out of his wallet and go get it. He knows I'm not going to go crazy with it. That said, if his account is going low, we'll switch over to sharing my account for a time. We know all the bills are paid automatically every month and whatever is left we generally spend together. When taxes come, we agree on what the large expenses will be whether new appliances, cars, or a vacation, and put the rest into prepaying a few monthly bills and spending on the kids. 
It works for us.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Amplexor said:


> Again, probably the biggest reason we don't argue about money is we have similar opinions on how to spend and save it.


This is a great point. Sharing similar goals in that way is important. It sounds like you and your wife have a great way of working things together.

In the early days my husband relied too much on his credit card and the concept of saving or budgeting was completely foreign to him. There were moments of frustration between us back then (although not to the extent that SA described lol) but I was cautious that if we were to have joint accounts, we needed to both be financially responsible. He wanted to learn how to save/budget and we did that together. His actions spoke over time. And I've had adjustments of my own as well. We've managed to find the balance between us. I dig that he's less frugal than me. He appreciates I'm more a saver than him. We bring different strengths and he acknowledges this is more my domain to help us with our shared goals. 

This might not be accepted by others, but I've felt as a woman, that it's important for me to know exactly what's happening with the finances (that both of us do), and my name to be on mortgage/investments and such. I'm not the type that could just trust another to take care of these things and not know all the ins and outs and implications and read the fine print.

Joint accounts or not, whatever works. I guess it depends on the needs of the couple/individuals in the relationship.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

heartsbeating said:


> I dig that he's less frugal than me. He appreciates I'm more a saver than him.


 I'd say my husband is a little less frugal than me also.....or maybe...I like to fix the house up more, and go on nice Vacations...but he would be more generous - when the kids want something...to make them happy... so we balance each other too... 

He will let me look like the "Bad Guy"... for saying "No" ...or "WAIT"... as he would be quicker to buy in the moment....and kids...well, they can take advantage!.... so he almost needs someone like me to hold him back. His saying about me is * >>* "She can squeeze a dime out of a nickle". 



> This might not be accepted by others, *but I've felt as a woman, that it's important for me to know exactly what's happening with the finances (that both of us do), and my name to be on mortgage/investments and such. I'm not the type that could just trust another to take care of these things and not know all the ins and outs and implications and read the fine print*.


 Me also...when we was getting into our house, His Father was not concerned about going to a Lawyer for large sums of cash being exchanged between 3 parties...(Keeping it in the family)...to bypass a loan from the Bank... this was not going to work for me...it's not the "sell your house on a handshake" just cause it's family days of the 1800's or earlier...I wrote something up myself, took it to a Lawyer to get it refined & into contract form... Yeah.. I NEED to know what is happening... I did the right thing in that situation...to protect us...as you just never know. 



> Joint accounts or not, whatever works. I guess it depends on the needs of the couple/individuals in the relationship.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Even though we have separate accounts , I find my wife handles money better than I.
It's as if she always has money , especially when i have over extended myself and end up in a dry spell.She's shrewd & frugal.
lol, a deadly combination.

I am more relaxed with money, and overly generous. My wife often says that I would "_ give the shirt off my back_ " , if someone needed it.
I guess our money personalities balance off well with our arrangement because we no longer argue about it.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

My husband didn't realize the importance of saving before he met me. He would spend whatever he earned. I told him that it's important for us to save, for unpredictable incidents or for our old age. He agreed with me and he lets me handle it. Now he is very happy that he listened to me.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

greenpearl said:


> My husband didn't realize the importance of saving before he met me. He would spend whatever he earned. I told him that it's important for us to save, for unpredictable incidents or for our old age. He agreed with me and he lets me handle it. Now he is very happy that he listened to me.


Mine is just the opposite, he likes to hoard his money and resents have to pay any bills with it. The only way I can get him to pay bills is to set them up as autopay from his account. Then I just have to watch the little stuff, like an offer he found that's too good to be true and he orders something with 30 days to try it without paying. He forgets to send it back but refuses to pay either. So yep guess who does that.....


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

mace17 said:


> Mine is just the opposite, he likes to hoard his money and resents have to pay any bills with it. The only way I can get him to pay bills is to set them up as autopay from his account. Then I just have to watch the little stuff, like an offer he found that's too good to be true and he orders something with 30 days to try it without paying. He forgets to send it back but refuses to pay either. So yep guess who does that.....


It's interesting how people think sometimes. They like to see the number on their bank book to go up, but watching it going down is a lot of pain. I realize if it is something I have to pay, then I just have to pay. Utilities, phone bills, credit card bills, and insurance bills, these kind of bills you just have to pay. I usually pay them as soon as I get them. I don't like to keep on thinking I still have bills to pay.


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## piggyoink (Apr 10, 2012)

greenpearl said:


> My husband didn't realize the importance of saving before he met me. He would spend whatever he earned. I told him that it's important for us to save, for unpredictable incidents or for our old age. He agreed with me and he lets me handle it. Now he is very happy that he listened to me.


I heard its Chinese tradition to let the wife deal with all the financial stuff.


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## Wing Man (Jun 8, 2012)

Might sound a bit childish but I get a cash allowance each week($50)because of my past history of overspending and over extending.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

greenpearl said:


> It's interesting how people think sometimes. They like to see the number on their bank book to go up, but watching it going down is a lot of pain. I realize if it is something I have to pay, then I just have to pay. Utilities, phone bills, credit card bills, and insurance bills, these kind of bills you just have to pay. I usually pay them as soon as I get them. I don't like to keep on thinking I still have bills to pay.


I wish my H were this way. All of our bills get paid on time, but last minute. Even though we always have the money in advance. He even does this with gas in the car... he will go to work at night and knowing the gas light is on and he's got the funds to put gas in, will put it off until the last possible moment. Just last week this resulting in me walking down the side of the interstate with our 5 and 12 year old children because we ran out of gas on the way to school. I wish I could say this is a one time thing but I am constantly getting into the car and having to stop for gas because he couldn't be bothered. Then when I put gas in, I'll fill it up. He'd rather put $10 in at a time and have to stop nearly every day, or let me run out with the kids. I don't get it.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

My wife and I maintain separate personal accounts and separate accounts for bills, which we split between us. This configuration works for us so that we avoid arguments about how we spend money on personal items. When it comes to something big, like a trip or something we need for the apartment, we pool money and do whatever it is we want or buy what we need.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

mace17 said:


> *Mine is just the opposite, he likes to hoard his money and resents have to pay any bills with it. *The only way I can get him to pay bills is to set them up as autopay from his account. Then I just have to watch the little stuff, like an offer he found that's too good to be true and he orders something with 30 days to try it without paying. He forgets to send it back but refuses to pay either. So yep guess who does that.....


My husband used to work in a Grocery Store and his bosses would do this.. isn't this awful -they refused to pay their vendors till they got shut off and told they had to pay cash..they would sting them along...just enough to get credit again -then fall back to cash status... they were CRAZY! And he (the Dairy Manager) had to deal with some of these Pi$$ed vendors...they took it easy on him knowing it wasn't *his* fault... (thankfully he always got paid!- or he would have been out of there).....but really... his bosses were a piece or Work....

One of the Pizza guys wanted to Rough them up...some stopped dealing with them altogether. Such a bad way to run a Business or a Household.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

piggyoink said:


> I heard its Chinese tradition to let the wife deal with all the financial stuff.


Yes, it is. 

But there are still exceptions. My father kept all his money to himself, he wouldn't let my mother tough his money. So my poor mom had to try to figure out ways to get some money to spend. But my sisters are in charge of their households' finance, and my sisters-in-law are in charge of their households' finance. So I guess most of the women have the power of finance, but a few don't.

But I think the idea of His money Her money is getting popular in China since divorce rate is getting higher. People now are thinking of ways to protect themselves.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

MyHappyPlace said:


> I wish my H were this way. All of our bills get paid on time, but last minute. Even though we always have the money in advance. He even does this with gas in the car... he will go to work at night and knowing the gas light is on and he's got the funds to put gas in, will put it off until the last possible moment. Just last week this resulting in me walking down the side of the interstate with our 5 and 12 year old children because we ran out of gas on the way to school. I wish I could say this is a one time thing but I am constantly getting into the car and having to stop for gas because he couldn't be bothered. Then when I put gas in, I'll fill it up. *He'd rather put $10 in at a time* *and have to stop nearly every day*, or let me run out with the kids. I don't get it.


I find this to be pretty immature too. Does he like to go to gas stations? I would ask him. Or is gas too expensive, he is trying to limit his mileage?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Wing Man said:


> Might sound a bit childish but I get a cash allowance each week($50)because of my past history of overspending and over extending.


When hubs was first learning about budgeting, I suggested we use allocated envelopes so that it was visible - when pay would come in, together we'd withdraw the cash needed and divide it between envelopes marked: savings, rent, groceries, gas, fun and entertainment, utilities, credit card payments etc. everything we needed funds for. This helped him/us. So if he was suggesting we go out for dinner or something, although this method might not sound much fun, he'd look to the fun and entertainment envelope. If there wasn't enough there, alternative plans were made. We phased out the envelope method when we felt it was no longer needed.


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## Wing Man (Jun 8, 2012)

heartsbeating said:


> When hubs was first learning about budgeting, I suggested we use allocated envelopes so that it was visible - when pay would come in, together we'd withdraw the cash needed and divide it between envelopes marked: savings, rent, groceries, gas, fun and entertainment, utilities, credit card payments etc. everything we needed funds for. This helped him/us. So if he was suggesting we go out for dinner or something, although this method might not sound much fun, he'd look to the fun and entertainment envelope. If there wasn't enough there, alternative plans were made. We phased out the envelope method when we felt it was no longer needed.


What we do is have me take out $50 every week and spend it on whatever I want to, and even if there's some left over I still get another $50 out the next Friday. Then I have total access to our debit & credit cards and can freely purchase stuff like groceries, meds, or bathroom items for the house on those cards whenever I need to as long as it's nothing outrageous. For any major or big ticket purchases we both have to discuss those items together and mutually agree before buying them.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Wing Man said:


> What we do is have me take out $50 every week and spend it on whatever I want to, and even if there's some left over I still get another $50 out the next Friday. Then I have total access to our debit & credit cards and can freely purchase stuff like groceries, meds, or bathroom items for the house on those cards whenever I need to as long as it's nothing outrageous. For any major or big ticket purchases we both have to discuss those items together and mutually agree before buying them.


My husband usually keeps NT$1,000 ($34) in his wallet, that's for drinks and snacks when he is working. I keep the same amount in my purse. We usually have cash(NT$5,000 a week, $170) at home, we take it whenever we need it, most of it is for grocery shopping. When we finish the amount, I go to ATM and take out another NT$5,000.


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## grainofsalt (Oct 6, 2013)

I have always kept finances separate from relationships.

It's how I roll, and that will not change.

We each have the duty and obligation to not only manage our personal aspects in our lives, but our financial obligations also.

I didn't have any joint accounts with my stbxw, and I will never have one in any future relationships either.

Since I was taking care of most of the finances anyhow, my wife certainly did not take issue with this setup, and it created no problems in the marriage.

In fact, when we first met, I helped her pay off her maxed out credit card, and her student loan also...

I've learned that since she split, she is now living on multiple credit cards, and that's an "investment" I won't pay into again, since it didn't pay off too well the first time around

Some people cannot handle their money, and I won't risk my excellent credit rating for anyone. I take steps to isolate my finances, because let's be honest... 50% of them leave, and that's a fact!

And before you judge me, know that cheap is not on the menu... I can throw cash around for a good night out without even a care in the world... I'll only do that on my terms, though, and not allow any woman access to my account.

On the flipside, is she wants to work, and save her own money, I couldn't care less what she spends it on, with whom, or where. It's what I consider a fair and equitable deal...


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

MyHappyPlace said:


> I wish my H were this way. *All of our bills get paid on time, but last minute. * Even though we always have the money in advance.


I am sometimes guilty of this and it bugs my wife too.

I know that I hate recurrent expenditure.
We own a business, and usually I'll have one of the employees go running to pay the bills last minute because I forgot to pay it online or because I didn't have the time or whatever.
These little things tend to bug me.

Whenever I purchase stuff hire purchase I pay off the balance within three months because the monthly instalments are bothersome to me.
Whenever I take a personal loan, I usually pay it off in lump sums way before time, because I don't like the idea of tying up my finances.

However,gas in our country is very cheap so the tank is always filled.


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## mg33 (Jul 19, 2013)

Ha! This topic could not be more relevant to my situation! 

I was married for eleven years before getting divorced and separate finances were never an issue. It was not even something that was discussed. When we got married, we just got a joint checking and savings and everything either of us made went into it. End of story.

I am remarried to someone much younger than I. He has never been married before. We DO have separate accounts. Nothing joint whatsoever. He bought a house the same day we got engaged. He has his money and I have mine (which largely consists of child support and the pathetically small earnings of a side job I have - I am now a stay-at-home mom to our baby). He makes $60,000 a year. I make $175 a week! He pays the mortgage and most utilities. Each month I pay for the groceries, the water bill, and if I happen to use my Target or VISA card that month I will pay that off. I hardly ever have money left over to do anything or purchase anything for myself. However, my husband doesn't hesitate to buy new shoes (at least one pair a month), sporting goods, gadgets for his phone, stuff on Amazon, or videogames. On his days off, he actually HAS THE DAY OFF and sleeps in, might go for a jog, runs errands related to himself, and plays on his phone all day. As a stay-at-home mom, I NEVER have a day off. In addition to our baby daughter, I also take care of another infant for the $175 a week. And this past Friday morning when this baby was picked up early, I had some time I could have maybe taken a nap with my own daughter, but I chose to go substitute teach for $50 that afternoon!

I cannot put into words how badly it makes me feel about myself, that we don't share money. I am married, yet I struggle and constantly worry about money. I've brought this up before, and he says he doesn't have a problem combining money, but at this point, it's been so long (2 1/2 years) that it would just be downright weird to combine everything now. Especially since we never communicate about money, expenses, and have not spoken about a budget even once, I don't feel comfortable combining what little I _do_ make. Before the baby arrived, I BEGGED him to discuss a budget and combine money, but that never happened. I also ended up paying most of the medical bills for my previous miscarriages each month even though he had plenty of money in his savings to cover it all. Bills I only had, mind you, because he "missed" the time frame to add me to his insurance plan.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about our separate finances. It adds tremendous stress to my life, I don't feel like an equal partner AT ALL, and it just plain feels bizarre. It makes me feel humiliated, to be honest. And not valued. It affects other parts of my marriage as well. I am less affectionate, and not as attracted to him as I was before marriage. A part of me is definitely closed off because of the raging resentment. I dream every single night of winning the lottery so I can leave. 

He says it's "our money," even though it's separate accounts. The way I see it is my money is "our" money but his money is his money.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

mg33 said:


> Ha! This topic could not be more relevant to my situation!
> 
> I was married for eleven years before getting divorced and separate finances were never an issue. It was not even something that was discussed. When we got married, we just got a joint checking and savings and everything either of us made went into it. End of story.
> 
> ...



Sounds to me like you are the creator of your own misery. He's offered to open the accounts up as joint and even stated that it's "our money" but that situation would feel "too weird" to you so you decline. :scratchhead:


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

greenpearl said:


> I find this to be pretty immature too. Does he like to go to gas stations? I would ask him. Or is gas too expensive, he is trying to limit his mileage?


He does stop at a gas station at least once a day anyway to get water or red bull but he doesn't always put gas in when he does. Even if the light is on. It's like he just doesn't feel like pumping gas. I really don't know...

Gas is expensive $3.25 a gallon this week as it has been dropping recently, but it doesn't limit the mileage at all. We have to drive quite a bit every day as not only does he use the car to get to work, but we have to take the kids to school, pick them up, run errands, etc. It wasn't so bad when we lived in our house because we lived across the street from the school so I would walk them every day and we only lived 1/2 mile from the stores. But now that we are stuck in this hotel, it's at least an extra 40 miles a day we are driving. 

But it's things like, we get gas discounts at certain places if we use points from shopping at our grocery store. But I don't want to waste the points when we are only getting a few gallons at a time, so I'll fill up and get 50 cents to a dollar off per gallon a few times a month.


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## mg33 (Jul 19, 2013)

MyHappyPlace said:


> Sounds to me like you are the creator of your own misery. He's offered to open the accounts up as joint and even stated that it's "our money" but that situation would feel "too weird" to you so you decline. :scratchhead:


Not sure I agree. Husband only relented and said we could
Open a joint account after months of my begging. However,
His failure to sit down for 20 minutes to create a 
Budget with me made me ultimately decide not to pursue
It further. He buys whatever he wants, whenever he wants,
Doesn't run it by me or anything. So, as I stated before,
What little I earn and receive as child support might
Be in danger of getting spent by him on something stupid.
If it stays in my account at least I know I will have it to buy food
For my son and baby as well as other necessities.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

mg33 said:


> Not sure I agree. Husband only relented and said we could
> Open a joint account after months of my begging. However,
> His failure to sit down for 20 minutes to create a
> Budget with me made me ultimately decide not to pursue
> ...


Your situation is similar to my mom's. I hope that your husband is not as selfish as my father. It's sad living with selfish and inconsiderate people like this. When I was with my ex, I was a STAM, but he gave me his salary, I ran the household, I paid the bills, I did the shopping. If I wanted to buy something for myself, I could do it. Your child is his child too. You have to stay at home so you can't work and make money. He has to make up for that. 

I really don't like marriages like these. It's like a contract, not a marriage at all.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

MyHappyPlace said:


> He does stop at a gas station at least once a day anyway to get water or red bull but he doesn't always put gas in when he does. Even if the light is on. It's like he just doesn't feel like pumping gas. I really don't know...
> 
> Gas is expensive $3.25 a gallon this week as it has been dropping recently, but it doesn't limit the mileage at all. We have to drive quite a bit every day as not only does he use the car to get to work, but we have to take the kids to school, pick them up, run errands, etc. It wasn't so bad when we lived in our house because we lived across the street from the school so I would walk them every day and we only lived 1/2 mile from the stores. But now that we are stuck in this hotel, it's at least an extra 40 miles a day we are driving.
> 
> But it's things like, we get gas discounts at certain places if we use points from shopping at our grocery store. But I don't want to waste the points when we are only getting a few gallons at a time, so I'll fill up and get 50 cents to a dollar off per gallon a few times a month.


The only other reason I can think of is he is trying to make you fill up the gas tank. He doesn't like the trouble.


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