# Feeling Selfish



## hk102 (May 31, 2012)

Well, I've been reading and re-reading so many threads on here and thought I would ask for some opinions from an objective viewpoint.
Obviously, since I'm here I'm considering divorce or seperation. I'm actually certain I want to leave, but I can't find the strength to do so. 
I'm 20 years old and have been married for 8 months, my H is 24. We've known each other for 4 years and were always really close, emotionally. He moved in with me and we dated for almost 2 years before we were engaged and married 3 months later. He had been engaged previously, to a girl he had been with for 6 years. He was my first(and only) and I fell head over heels. However, before we got married, things had started to feel different for me. We went from having sex 3 and 4 times a day down to maybe once a week. On our honeymoon, we only had it once, and since then it's only been maybe once a month. I'm just not sexually attracted to him like I once was. I tried talking to him about our level of happiness in our relationship and he was adamant that he's happier with me than he has ever been and when I mentioned that I'm young and going through alot of changes in myself and hadn't figured out who I am he said that it didn't matter how much I changed, he would always love me and I would always be his. He also tries to tell me I need to take him literally more often because he actually says what he means, but he acts withdrawn and generally not happy then tries to convince me that he's never been happier and I don't understand. I also know that it frustrates him that we don't have sex anymore, when we do his mood improves for a few days and then he goes back to being moody and almost sulky. I feel like he can tell that I'm not happy and won't let himself acknowledge that. I know he needs someone in his life that can want and desire him the way he deserves to be wanted and desired. He is a wonderful man! He's sweet, caring, puts me first, does any and all housework without complaint, he works hard and makes sure all the bills get paid(I work too, with the bigger paycheck, but he's more responsible with the deadlines than I am), and he's is an all around attractive guy. The problem is, he doesn't realize any of this. He thinks I'm crazy to think he's attractive and is very insecure. He is very introverted and keeps to himself, is generally socially awkward, has this idea that know one likes him or wants to be his friend, and doesn't try to make new friends. He has a few people he talks to on occasion, including a guy who has been his friend since like elementary school, but he only talks to him maybe once a month and they hangout even less. I am the exact opposite, an extrovert, a social butterfly, I love making new friends and meeting new people, I'm comfortable in nearly any social situation. I like clubs, he likes video games. I like to shoot guns for sport, he's opposed to a gun in the house. I like fishing, he won't go. I love going out to eat or to the movies or just to the mall, and he'll go but he doesn't enjoy any of it. I could go on and on. It's gotten to the point where I feel like it's all just too much, that we are just too different. I knew he was like this when we started our relationship, but I thought I could handle it, or maybe I thought he'd come out of whatever shell he is in. Whatever the case, I feel almost like I'm failing him by feeling the way I do. 
I know that in order for anything to change it has to be me to initiate it, but I'm afraid of his reaction. He's never very emotional and just sort of keeps everything bottled up, so sometimes I feel like he's a loose cannon. We have had arguments and disagreements before but it ended up with him throwing something and being angry and me getting either frustrated or mad and crying. I feel like we have a serious communication issue because when we try to talk about anything serious I can only get out half sentences and worry about how he's going to take what I say and I end up just giving up and going to sleep. So most of our problems just get slept on and forgotten. 
I've actually considered broaching the topic via texting because we have always seemed to be better at talking electronically. We started out our friendship only ever talking on myspace, and then facebook, at which times we talked about anything and everything. Now, we hardly ever talk, or see each other(I work Daytime, he works evenings, and I go to school) and our more important conversations since... well we were engaged, has been through texting. I know it's impersonal and IMO heartless, but I just can't bring myself to try to talk it through with him because I know he'll make me feel guilty and I won't even be able to finish saying I want to leave, let alone actually walk away. I know we will both be happier if we split, I just need for him to realize that. I want him to know that I'm not happy and I don't want to be in this relationship and it isn't his fault. He didn't do anything wrong and it isn't because "he isn't good enough" I'd go as far as to say he's much too good to me. I underappreciate him and devalue him as a partner. We've been living like roommates, it feels like, and he deserves so much more. I'm afraid he won't understand that he doesn't need to be with me to be happy, I want him to love himself and realize what he's worth. I do love him, but it's more in a "family" kind of way at this point and I'm so afraid of hurting him. 
My one spark of hope is that when we got otgether, he still occasionally talked to his ex-fiancee and seemed to be on good terms with her. I feel like if he can get over that and be ok and not feel any animosity towards her then the outcome can't be as bad as what I imagine it may be, right?
So basically, I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to lose him completely out of my life, but I'm not happy and I'm not sure which is more selfish; staying with him and going through the motions to avoid hurting him(immediately because I know it will happen in the long run) and settle for being content, or seeking out my own happiness and leaving and hoping that he can realize that we are both better off...

Sorry this is so long, I just wanted to make sure it was all there. I will gladly fill in anything else I may have missed.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I don't want to sound condescending at all, but you got married way too young. What you are feeling is normal for your age -- you just don't need to be married right now.

You don't have a child yet, do you? Sounds like you have goals, since you are in school -- I think you need to chalk this one up to experience and move on.

And I'm sorry -- I know it can't be easy for you.


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## hk102 (May 31, 2012)

Doesn't sound condescending at all, I completely agree. We do not have a child, we did have an accidental pregnancy when we first got together, but I had a miscarriage.
I know I need to move on... I even know where I can go after and have a nearly flawless financial plan to make sure things that we owe together gets paid and that he isn't fronted with any debt we have from the wedding/honeymoon. I'm just worried that he won't be rational about me leaving and make things harder than they need to be...


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Yep, he probably will. And it will be a hard thing to do, and you'll feel awful for a couple of days, but you know it's right for you. 

I'll be thinking of you! Keep posting if you need to, lots of support on here.


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## hk102 (May 31, 2012)

I'm not even worried about it being hard for me. It should be hard for me, I'm the one leaving. 
I'm worried about getting our things split up and out of the trailer. Making sure that the final rent and bills get paid... and figuring out how I can keep my car because it's in both our names but his is the main name on everything because he's older with more credit and is the reason we got the loan... it would make since for him to try to take it back to the dealer because if he didn't it would leave the chance open that I would miss payments and it would fall on him. Not that I would do that, EVER, but it's a reasonable response... If he were to do that I would be screwed because I drive 60 miles a day, 4 days a week for work and school...


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Go see a lawyer re the car -- that's a fairly simple retail law transaction and shouldn't cost a whole lot, I'm sure there are options to put the car into your name. Depending on where you go to school, some schools have a lawyer on retainer who can provide some basic legal advice to students, you might check with your student services department.

The fact is that even if he keeps the car, you will figure out how to get one yourself. You are clearly one smart cookie, so while it's good that you are worrying about the details, don't let them overwhelm you, ok?


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## hk102 (May 31, 2012)

Talking to a lawyer won't be a problem, I have a few friends who are lawyers. Thanks for the support. 
I think I'm just making excuses to myself to keep him in the dark...


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, yeah...I've been there as well 

Good luck!


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