# I have been asked for a separation after 20 years together



## Caroline1319

Hi, this is my first time posting. 
I decided to join this forum to get advice or to simply put words to my anger and sadness online. My husband of 20 years has asked me for a separation, as of two months ago he has been living someone on and off here, he has a place in another city where he works. He informed me some time ago that he needed space, we have been having trouble for a few years due to an affair he had, we tried to get back on track but could never do it. This weekend he told me he is separating. He moved out and will come back to see the kids on weekends and when available. He told me he has been suffering of deep depression but has not reached out for help from a licensed profesional. He has left me, we have two children ages 13 and 8. He told my son this weekend that he will come and go and that we are separating because we want to get back to being better friends than we have been. I am devastated as he told me that he can’t promise me that we will not divorce at the end of this but that he wants this to be a happy separation, he told me crying that I am his world, that he wants to be my best friend but that he has to walk away. I am devastated. Has this happened to anyone else? How do you cope? I can barely make it up to pretend things are fine for my children.


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## coquille

Caroline1319 said:


> Hi, this is my first time posting.
> I decided to join this forum to get advice or to simply put words to my anger and sadness online. My husband of 20 years has asked me for a separation, as of two months ago he has been living someone on and off here, he has a place in another city where he works. He informed me some time ago that he needed space, we have been having trouble for a few years due to an affair he had, we tried to get back on track but could never do it. This weekend he told me he is separating. He moved out and will come back to see the kids on weekends and when available. He told me he has been suffering of deep depression but has not reached out for help from a licensed profesional. He has left me, we have two children ages 13 and 8. He told my son this weekend that he will come and go and that we are separating because we want to get back to being better friends than we have been. I am devastated as he told me that he can’t promise me that we will not divorce at the end of this but that he wants this to be a happy separation, he told me crying that I am his world, that he wants to be my best friend but that he has to walk away. I am devastated. Has this happened to anyone else? How do you cope? I can barely make it up to pretend things are fine for my children.


I am sorry you are experiencing cheating and desertion in your marriage. It sounds like your husband has been cheating on you throughout the marriage. I don't know how many times, but his latest cheating episode is not new to you. He said also that he is clinically depressed, he didn't seek professional help, and he attributes his cheating to his depression, right? As far as I know, depression does not justify cheating. Someone cheats because they have made a conscious decision to do it. Also, he tells you that you are his world, but doesn't hesitate to cheat on you, desert you, and you are still hoping that he won't divorce. Why do you want to stay married to him? I understand separation after 20 years of marriage is very hard, and betrayal is even harder, but we reach a point where we cannot tolerate any more betrayals and we have to maintain our own sanity to take care of ourselves and our children. We have self-respect too. He doesn't seem to respect you through his actions. His words don't mean much.


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## karole

He is still cheating.


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## DallasCowboyFan

Don't believe a word he says. He claims you are his world because he wants to control the situation and manipulate you. He is also manipulating the emotions of your son by telling him anything other than the truth. Don't allow him to come and go as he pleases. You need to draw a line, get control, get child support, allow him only scheduled visitation with the kids and get as much as you can of the marital assets. Take charge. You need an attorney,


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## Luckylucky

He doesn’t have depression. That is a lie. He’s doing great and living his best life, he’s healthy and strong. This is the truth.

No you are not his world. That is a lie. You’re in his way, an inconvenience because the new lady is his world.

He has told your son a lie, we are separating to be better friends. The truth is ‘son, we are separating because I have a girlfriend’.

Each lie is just a sentence to make him seem really nice and noble and kind and gentle and mature.

He’s none of those.

Your grief is enormous, you are in the denial stage but probably because he’s feeding you some hope as he closes the door. What an awful shock after 20 years, I am so sorry for you. Please don’t do this alone, reach out to your friends and family and ask for help as you grieve, it will help your kids on the days that will seem impossible - this is the reality, these days will be dark and terrible for some time, but even this will get better eventually though it might not seem like it now. Keep some friends and family close, there is no shame, you’ll be a better mum for it. The shame is his, not yours.


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## Evinrude58

Luckylucky said:


> He doesn’t have depression. That is a lie. He’s doing great and living his best life, he’s healthy and strong. This is the truth.
> 
> No you are not his world. That is a lie. You’re in his way, an inconvenience because the new lady is his world.
> 
> He has told your son a lie, we are separating to be better friends. The truth is ‘son, we are separating because I have a girlfriend’.
> 
> Each lie is just a sentence to make him seem really nice and noble and kind and gentle and mature.
> 
> He’s none of those.
> 
> Your grief is enormous, you are in the denial stage but probably because he’s feeding you some hope as he closes the door. What an awful shock after 20 years, I am so sorry for you. Please don’t do this alone, reach out to your friends and family and ask for help as you grieve, it will help your kids on the days that will seem impossible - this is the reality, these days will be dark and terrible for some time, but even this will get better eventually though it might not seem like it now. Keep some friends and family close, there is no shame, you’ll be a better mum for it. The shame is his, not yours.


Great and accurate post


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## frusdil

Luckylucky said:


> He doesn’t have depression. That is a lie. He’s doing great and living his best life, he’s healthy and strong. This is the truth.
> 
> No you are not his world. That is a lie. You’re in his way, an inconvenience because the new lady is his world.
> 
> He has told your son a lie, we are separating to be better friends. The truth is ‘son, we are separating because I have a girlfriend’.
> 
> Each lie is just a sentence to make him seem really nice and noble and kind and gentle and mature.
> 
> He’s none of those.
> 
> Your grief is enormous, you are in the denial stage but probably because he’s feeding you some hope as he closes the door. What an awful shock after 20 years, I am so sorry for you. Please don’t do this alone, reach out to your friends and family and ask for help as you grieve, it will help your kids on the days that will seem impossible - this is the reality, these days will be dark and terrible for some time, but even this will get better eventually though it might not seem like it now. Keep some friends and family close, there is no shame, you’ll be a better mum for it. The shame is his, not yours.


QFT. Great post. Read this over and over OP.

I'm so very sorry. Separation is the stepping stone to divorce, you need to plan accordingly and get your ducks in a row. Seek legal advice urgently.


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## Marc878

karole said:


> He is still cheating.


Probably never stopped.


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## Marc878

He wants the separation to spend more time with his other woman with you out of the way.
Sorry. The only way you can be his chump is if you allow it.
Let him go like you should have the first time.


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## Evinrude58

He doesn’t want to have sex for two reasons: he’s worn out from slapping nasties with his AP, and because he doesn’t want to cheat on her WITH HIS WIFE. 

let that sink in, get some anger, get some satisfaction. He’s a real ugly person.


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## Marc878

Not making a decision will keep you in limbo.


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## aine

Caroline1319 said:


> Hi, this is my first time posting.
> I decided to join this forum to get advice or to simply put words to my anger and sadness online. My husband of 20 years has asked me for a separation, as of two months ago he has been living someone on and off here, he has a place in another city where he works. He informed me some time ago that he needed space, we have been having trouble for a few years due to an affair he had, we tried to get back on track but could never do it. This weekend he told me he is separating. He moved out and will come back to see the kids on weekends and when available. He told me he has been suffering of deep depression but has not reached out for help from a licensed profesional. He has left me, we have two children ages 13 and 8. He told my son this weekend that he will come and go and that we are separating because we want to get back to being better friends than we have been. I am devastated as he told me that he can’t promise me that we will not divorce at the end of this but that he wants this to be a happy separation, he told me crying that I am his world, that he wants to be my best friend but that he has to walk away. I am devastated. Has this happened to anyone else? How do you cope? I can barely make it up to pretend things are fine for my children.


Balderdash! He wants a happy separation, you are his world, I call BS! He wants to have his cake and eat it and is willing to blow up the lives of all of you including his kids so he can he happy with his floosy elsewhere. He is not depressed that is also BS. Your 13 year old should know the truth that his Dad is walking out on a 20 yr marraige cause there is someone else. Do not cover for your POS WH. He is actively engaged in an affair and wants to come and go! You must pop that fantasy bubble as quickly as possible. He is dragging you along and calling all the shots and you are allowing it.
You have to
1. get a good bulldog lawyer and see what your options are. Draw up divorce papers and give him what he wants, do not make it easy on him. Burst his fantasy world
2. get STD tested
3. Ask him to remove all his belongings now.
4. Tell him he cannot come and go as he pleases, there will be a legal arrangement in place
5. Go hard 180 on him, once you get the lawyer, tell him to communicate with the lawyer.
6. Tell all family and friends what your husband is planning including his family
7. Go completely no contact also. Do not help him to communicate with kids, this is not your problem, he is planning to abandon the family
8. Stop doing anything for him, cleaning, cooking, washing etc. he wants to have a maid at home and a sex babe also in another location. Do not let him treat you this way. Get the lawyer ASAP


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## She'sStillGotIt

Yeah...it's not a "deep depression" he's battling over in his bachelor pad in another town.

He's got another LIFE there.

*Time to lawyer up.* And hurry up - he's had a while to hide things and prepare for this "separation" LONG before coming to you to request it. Don't forget - cheaters only do what benefits THEM and it didn't benefit Mr. Wonderful to ask for a separation until he got all his ducks in a row. They're now all in a row.

You can't keep your head in the sand anymore. Get to a lawyer immediately.


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## Blondilocks

He's going to come and go - the hell you say. You aren't running a damn hotel. He doesn't get to pop in and out whenever it suits him. Shame on him to treat your children like they are toys to amuse him when he gets the urge to be entertained. 

You do not need friends like him. He does not know how to be a friend. Just what is a 'happy separation' supposed to look like for you? When he can't promise that he won't be filing for divorce after he tries out his girlfriend for a while. What an entitled prick.

You need to get angry and mad-dog mean with the jerk. File for divorce with exclusive use of the home and get those locks changed.


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## Diana7

I am afraid that as other have said he is lying. If you were his world he wouldnt be treating you and the children like this. I doubt he is depressed either, its all excuses.


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## cheonbsonMi

that is a real betrayal! I wouldn't listen to him.
be strong darling 🥺❤


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## MattMatt

As probably the person most known for suggesting reconciliation and couple's counselling it might surprise people to see that I am proposing that you see a lawyer ASAP. Make an appointment NOW and start the divorce process.

It's just you taking the stinky trash out.


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## Blondilocks

MattMatt said:


> As probably the person most known for suggesting reconciliation and couple's counselling it might surprise people to see that I am proposing that you see a lawyer ASAP. Make an appointment NOW and start the divorce process.
> 
> It's just you taking the stinky trash out.


The OP made one post six months ago.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Blondilocks said:


> The OP made one post six months ago.


Yep, I just caught that. Yay you, good eyes!🙂🙂


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## DownByTheRiver

So it sounds like you just let him do whatever he wants. You need to get a lawyer and a backbone. How convenient that he can just go live like a single guy and come act like a dad once a week with you doing all the parenting! You are foolish to let this go on. You hire a family law attorney (it will come out of the mutual assets eventually) and the norm is for him to get 50/50 custody and take care of the kids not just on the weekends when it's convenient for him, but during the work week as well, 2 1/2 days for you and 2 1/2 days for him and then one day on the weekend for each of you. Don't be a chump! Make him be a father to those kids and let all that take up his time and interrupt his career the same way it does your own! (as well as interrupt his extramarital social life!). 

Stop letting him tell you what he's going to do.


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## DownByTheRiver

I bet she's still right there babysitting the kids for him so he can have a bachelor life.


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## Blondilocks

I think MattMatt's zombie cat took a vacation.


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