# Am I Nuts?



## idunno2 (Nov 6, 2011)

Hello,

I don't know who to talk to or what I'm even looking for anymore. I guess I'm looking for insight from others who have gone through similar issues.

We've been together for four years, lived together for almost all of it, and married for one year. We moved very fast. On top of that, I am currently 25 and she is 23. She was always a risky one I knew, but decided to go outside of my comfort zone for once since nothing in the past has worked for me. She has a child that is not from me.

She is fun and makes life exciting. And even though we are around each other nearly 24/7 we can still carry on conversation about anything. We like to do the same things and travel. And she is good at what I am not, and vice versa. She has been my first for a lot of things...

However, I feel that she doesn't respect me, care about my needs, and I cannot trust her because:
- She has cheated on me three years ago (gave her a second chance)
- I am able to pay the bills but nothing more. She does not work anymore and is unable to find work. Because of this, we do not go out together, we don't buy each other things. I try to pay down debts and make financial progress, but she continues to spend money using her credit card.
- When she doesn't have things her way, when I tell her "no", she yells, pushes me into a corner, and insults me in an attempt to get me to give in to her. She has gotten physical before.
- She is incapable of, or refuses to, compromise or meet in the middle when we disagree on something. She must have it her way - what I care about doesn't matter or is stupid/wrong in her opinion. Unless it is something she doesn't care about, then I can have it my way.
- Additionally, she makes decisions on her own - for instance the latest decision of hers is to travel across a few states and visit family. She says she needs gas money for this, meanwhile I was unable to pay one of our bills this month.
- She has taken off her wedding ring and threatened or tried to leave the house with her child so many times I lost count. She says that I need to change. The latest instance, she has not put the rings back on, and then promptly tried to hooking up with another man she did not know. How serious she was or is I do not know.
- She twists facts into her favor, tells overly-dramatic stories to people - if we fight over something, she will immediately tell her family about how horrible I was while leaving out or twisting details into her favor. I believe now that her family thinks I am a terrible person.
- She has on numerous occasions forged checks or lied about money taken from my own bank account. I am forced to hide my check books and cannot let her go out and buy something on her own.
- We are never intimate, because she does not find it of interest or importance.

Interestingly, we don't really fight much.

There may be more reasons to tell but I have become exhausted typing it. Her side of the story though is that I don't ever spend money on the family, that I don't do enough for her, that I don't trust her, that I don't show enough love for her anymore, and that I treat her like a child. This was not always the case - this started while we were living together, mostly recently she states.

After typing it though I don't understand why I am waiting to divorce her. Seems like a no brainer. But for some ridiculous reason I have doubts, that maybe I should stick it out. I sometimes feel like once she graduates college in a little over a year from now, that some of these issues will disappear or become far less frequent, and that we will reconnect. We will have enough money then (I would hope), for her to buy the things she wants without putting us into debt, that we will be able to buy things for each other, that we will be able to do things together again.

Some days I feel like I need to get rid of her and move on with my life. Other days I feel like I can stick this out and deal with some of the issues while fixing others in time. It is a roller coaster for me. I have no idea what she wants or feels - as it is different every day/week/month - just whatever she feels that particular day. I don't want to just give up on us and regret it later just because we're having a difficult time. Also, I think I'm having a hard time because her and her daughter is all I have at this point. I have no life outside of work and this family.

But after writing this all out, I'm now thinking how foolish I have been and don't know why I'm still with her. Sometimes these days I even think I need to see a shrink for myself - I must have issues myself for sticking with her for so long. Right now I am focused on divorce. I hope this mindset doesn't change for me again.

Does anyone have thoughts on this? Has anyone had similar feelings or experiences?


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## idunno2 (Nov 6, 2011)

Been reading other posts here and this sounds like me. Why are people like this, like this?



> That is not the case here, however. Because Krissteene has been tolerating controlling and obsessive behavior for nearly 17 years, she almost certainly is an excessive caregiver (i.e., a "codependent" with low personal boundaries) like I am. Caregivers like us remain trapped in such toxic relationships because our desire to be needed (for what we can do) far exceeds our desire to be loved (for the people we already are).
> 
> That is, we mistake "being needed" for "being loved." Indeed, we have difficulty realizing that someone loves us if they don't desperately need us at the same time. Moreover, we are mistakenly convinced that, if we can only figure out what we are doing wrong, we can "fix" the spouse or somehow restore the honeymoon conditions -- an impossible task.


- Uptown


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You are in an abusive relationship. People are like this for lots of reasons--and the "why" is not really an issue for you. She needs to be in therapy and in anger management classes/therapy. You need to get out and get the child's father or social services involved b/c there is always a risk she could take it out on the child if she has no other adult to "punish" for HER unhappiness. 

Please start reading about abusers and abusive relationships. Yeah, there is an awesome side to the abuser--at least at first--be/c otherwise no one would be with them to begin with. It's a bait-and-switch tactic. If it is already this bad now, just realize it will only get worse. Act now before she gets pregnant and you have to be tied to her the rest of your life b/c of a child. Oh, and if she has borderline personality disorder, chances are about 99% that she will *never* admit that SHE has the problem. Is this really what you want for the next 60 years?


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## idunno2 (Nov 6, 2011)

Some time ago I began reading, because I began to think there isn't something right with her in her head. And upon my reading I found many of her actions and beliefs mimic that of narcissistic or borderline personality disorder. She doesn't think she is at fault for anything - she doesn't accept responsibility. If there is ever a problem, she blames others. She believes our marriage issues are a result of me and that I need to change.

The kicker is that she used to see a therapist when she was younger, I don't know the years she went. But she quit and stopped going. I don't know what she went to a therapist for. I do believe she needs to see one on a permanent basis.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Idunno, welcome to the TAM forum. I agree with you that your W's behavior exhibits many strong traits of BPD. I therefore suggest that you read the message I posted today in the thread started by MaybeItsMe -- another young man who is so miserable in his marriage that he is now questioning his own sanity. My post is at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. As I explain in that thread, of the ten personality disorders, BPD is the only one that is notorious for making the nonBPD spouse feel like he may be losing his mind.

I believe you will recognize your W in most of my discussion in that post. What you will not recognize, however, is my description of the temper tantrums and other "acting out" behavior. When their anger is triggered, the vast majority of BPDers act out in rages and hissy fits. You say, however, that you and your W rarely have any "fights." I therefore observe that a small share of BPDers (I would guess maybe 15%) usually do not act out. Like all other BPDers, these people carry enormous anger and hurt inside. Yet, when it is triggered, they usually turn the anger inwards, not outward. Hence, they usually are not seen throwing temper tantrums and starting loud fights. 

Instead, these folks -- called "quiet borderlines" or "waif borderlines" -- punish you with icy withdrawal and passive-aggressive snide remarks. That is, they mostly punish by freezing you out. If this icy behavior sounds familiar, I suggest you read the description of borderline waifs by therapist Shari Schreiber. It is located at BORDERLINE WAIFS AND UNSUNG HEROES; Rescuing The Woman Who Doesn't Want To Be Saved.. Another insightful article -- placing greater emphasis on the cold and meanness -- is A.J. Mahari's discussion at Borderline Personality - The Quiet Acting In Borderline and The Silent Treatment - Nons - Borderline Personality Disorder Inside Out. If any of this discussion rings a bell with you, Idunno, I would be glad to discuss it further with you. Take care.


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