# It's almost like my husband WANTS me to screw up so he can have the upper hand!



## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

A year ago I went to an after work function. I thought I'd only stick around for about an hour and be home by 7:30. Well I was having a good time, didn't have my phone on me (it was at my desk across the street) so I didn't call my husband to tell him I'd be late, assuming he'd be okay with it since there's been times when he never calls me to tell me he's going out after work and says it's not a big deal, even though I was upset he didn't tell me. That time I didn't end up calling him until 8:45 to tell him I was on my way home and he was livid. There was no call or text from him wondering where I was all that time and he was actually asleep when I called. He was mad I woke him up! For the next few days I kept hearing "Don't come home drunk" and "Make sure to come home after work". Since then I have been so cautious about going out and making sure I am home when I say I will be. 

Last week we had dinner with some clients at my boss's house after work. I told H that I would be home by 9:30. He said numerous times to have fun. I was home right at 9:30. He was asleep, which is odd because any time I'm home he's up playing video games until 10PM when I would love for him to come to bed with me but when I'm not there he decides to go to bed early! Then last night we had a retirement party for our COO. I told him on Monday night that there was a party from 5-7 Tuesday night and that I'd be home sometime between 7 and 7:30. He said "Have fun". Okay once again he's happy I"m going out but I'm still wary. I even texted him again around lunch on Tuesday that I wouldn't be home until 7 or 7:30 in case he forgot about it, which he is apt to do. He said "Okie, I'll amuse my self this evening ". Once again seems okay. I send him a text with a picture of a cake from the party so he knows that's where I really am in case he has some weird suspicion that I'm not really there. I then send another text at 6:45 saying that I"m on my way home. Just making sure all the bases are covered. I walk in the front door at 7:27 and he goes "Perfect timing, I was just going to bed because I thought you wouldn't be home until at least 9 but now I'll stay up a bit" I TOLD you I'd be home by 7:30! It's like he was just hoping I'd be late so he could lay into me about being late! Then going to bed at 7:30??? Why is it you want to go to bed early when I'm not home and stay up and play video games when I am home??? 

Oh AND he is starting 2nd shift (2PM-10:30PM) tomorrow. This was all his choosing because he wants to work in a different area of the factory. I wish he'd stay on 1st so we'd see each other but now we won't see each other until the weekend. He goes "Oh you'll be okay with me being on 2nd shift. Now you can have the pool boy over". I am SO DAMN TIRED of his references to these imaginary men he appears to be kidding about all the time. He says it so much that he seems to insinuate that that is what I do when he is gone for any period of time. 

Between him seemingly being okay with me going to these work functions but then being all snide with "Oh I though sure you'd be out later" and then these joking references to "other men" I'm really getting tired of having to constantly prove myself. I never go out with anyone but him so when I go out once every few months for a few hours after work I feel like a horrible person.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You've been posting for more than two years about significant issues in your marriage. What steps are you two actually taking to improve things? 

C


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You are fighting like children.

Maybe he feels slighted because you don't invite him to the work parties with you.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Well he probably thinks you're cheating. Are you? If not then get transparent with him and have a good talk without you making him feel stupid for his suspicions. Unless you want to help destroy your marriage. For whatever reason, he is suspicious. I've been with my wife for 23 years and we have both been suspicious at one time or another.

We talk it out and do everything possible to reassure each other of our commitment and love.

I have never cheated but have absolute transparency with my wife.

Someone maybe spread a rumor? Anyway, if your marriage is important to you then lovingly address his suspicions without anger or impatience.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> You are fighting like children.
> 
> Maybe he feels slighted because you don't invite him to the work parties with you.


I would LOVE to invite him but S/Os aren't invited to most of them...only the Xmas party and the summer picnic which he comes to.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm familiar with all your other threads. And, yes, he probably does. I assume the two of you don't do counseling -- jointly or separately -- or read books about improving your marriage so he likely doesn't feel he needs to change his behavior to make you happier. He probably is fine with things just as they are.


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Well he probably thinks you're cheating. Are you? If not then get transparent with him and have a good talk without you making him feel stupid for his suspicions. Unless you want to help destroy your marriage. For whatever reason, he is suspicious. I've been with my wife for 23 years and we have both been suspicious at one time or another.
> 
> We talk it out and do everything possible to reassure each other of our commitment and love.
> 
> ...


I have NEVER cheated and never thought about cheating. I spend every single night of the year with him and then are made to feel bad for going out to wish a coworker well for 2 hours is something I should have to worry about?

If anything, he is the one most likely to cheat, at least emotionally. He still has contacts with an ex girlfriend from 20 years ago which he keeps secret from me and I only know because I snoop. He brings up her name a lot and then when I tell him I'm tired of hearing it he tells me "Oh she is just a really nice person and we are just friends". Really I've been out here with you for 6 years and I have yet to meet this "friend" who you still contact on Facebook behind my back.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Your marriage is done if you two don't sit down and address your issues. As already advised, get some marriage builder books and commit to reading and applying it to your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She has said in previous threads she will never divorce him so maybe he feels there are no consequences for his behavior. He has a gravy train going and is probably happy with the way things are.


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## tonedef (Aug 7, 2014)

Sounds passive aggressive to me. How many times a week do you do after work parties? Do you think deep down it bothers him and he reflects that behavior by finding something else to get mad about? Him accusing or insinuating you cheating could be deemed as a red flag and he should not be having hidden female friends, especially exs, but regardless it seems the communication between you two isnt so great. I would find out how he really feels about you going.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Classic insecure guy. He needs to read several books. Not just Friends and I'm also thinking Married Man Sex Life Primer. He lacks confidence, but what kind -social skills, physical ... I dunno.

Also, the two of you sit down and seriously take the 5 love language test.

I just did a couple months ago with my wife. Then we sat and talked as there is no right or wrong answer in the quiz. After years of marriage, I get a few things about her that I now prioritize for her. I used to not do the "acts of service" very much (in her view that is), but hers is a priority so I've changed to meet her language. I've noted improvements. Pretty nice ones. So so matter how long you've been married, nothing's perfect and can always be improved.

I also understand my frustration in my area that has never - ever prioritized by anyone in my family (since childhood), and she sees it too. And I now understand and don't sweat it so much.

Hard to tell a man to grow the f up. But you can nudge him a bit in the right direction. At least keep him from walking towards the cliff

..and there's nothing wrong with you letting him know daily you're on the way home, prior notice of staying late and heading back wherever you are. And he should too. And post a list of monthly commitments you'll have after work, so he knows it's coming. And let him plan to attend the ones he can. He needs to get out more.


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

tonedef said:


> Sounds passive aggressive to me. How many times a week do you do after work parties? Do you think deep down it bothers him and he reflects that behavior by finding something else to get mad about? Him accusing or insinuating you cheating could be deemed as a red flag and he should not be having hidden female friends, especially exs, but regardless it seems the communication between you two isnt so great. I would find out how he really feels about you going.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


January was a busy month as we had 3 after work parties and I didn't even go to one because I didn't want him to be upset. Other than that the R & R committee at work usually schedules some after work thing once every 2 months and the only ones I went to last year after his blowup about me being home late in January were the Xmas party and summer picnic where H could join me. I purposely lie to my coworkers as to why I can't stay for these get togethers. Made up appointments and other things because I don't want him mad at me.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You're scared to death to tell him to knock it off with 'Jen'. You're going out of your way to let him know where you are & when you'll be home when it appears he couldn't give a sh*t.

You post on SI about 'Jen' and refuse to take their advice.

Just what are you looking for? Assurances that he loves you? Are you making up drama to make up for the lack of emotional intimacy in your marriage? Or is it just a slow day at work?


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

Q tip said:


> Classic insecure guy. He needs to read several books. Not just Friends and I'm also thinking Married Man Sex Life Primer. He lacks confidence, but what kind -social skills, physical ... I dunno.
> 
> Also, the two of you sit down and seriously take the 5 love language test.
> 
> ...


Then I had texted him twice before I came home last night and he never even looked at them before I came home and then he looks and seems irritated and says "Geez, how many texts did you send me?!" I don't send you any text you get upset and I send you two and you think I'm being overly needy!


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

Well he starts 2nd shift today which is 2PM -10:30 PM so I won't HAVE to worry during the week if I want to go to a get together after work because I'll be home hours before he gets home. I will of course tell him I'm going out because I shouldn't have to keep it a secret, but he'll just have to trust that I got home at a decent time. I'm sure 99% of the time I'll just come home at 5PM and hang out at home, but on those occasions where I want to go have dinner with a friend after work or go to a happy hour with coworkers, I can and I won't have to rush home for a deadline.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I think there is a good chance that HE is cheating, because we see it all the time here that the one making constant accusations about cheating are the ones DOING the cheating. Worth looking into, Map. Unless, like some have stated here, you wont leave no matter the misery...then why bother.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> I think there is a good chance that HE is cheating, because we see it all the time here that the one making constant accusations about cheating are the ones DOING the cheating. Worth looking into, Map. Unless, like some have stated here, you wont leave no matter the misery...then why bother.


Maybe

OR....

How often are you having sex, or at the very least getting intimate, these days? If you aren't having sex very often, he may think you are getting it somewhere else. I've seen/heard that before too.

Have you tried talking to HIM about this issue of trust?


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