# I say "vasectomy," he gets quiet



## lifecolorful (Oct 5, 2015)

Anyone ever suggest to their hubby he get a vasectomy? How'd it go?

I mentioned it the other day, conversation went like this:

Me: Hey, I need to maybe get my IUD out soon. Could we talk about another form of birth control, maybe a vasectomy?

Hubby: That's a fair conversation to have. (Quickly turns on his heels and leaves the room for no apparent reason).

I tried to bring it up twice more with no more progress. BTW, he says he 100% doesn't want kids.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

The 5 years on my IUD runs out next Christmas. When i asked Mr.68 about a vasectomy a few months back, i got a "hell, no". Neither of us want more children. He said it would make him feel emasculated. Which, i call bullsh!t on, but couldn't argue with. Can't really tell a person that they don't feel how they say they feel.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Life,
Try this.

Life: I realize this birth control issue might be a difficult conversation for you. Sometime in the next week I want to discuss it. You can pick when. 

-------
If he avoids it for another week, just tell him nicely the date the IUD is coming out and add this: We can switch to condoms afterwards. 

That way he understands he has other options if he's not yet ready for the permanent decision. 





lifecolorful said:


> Anyone ever suggest to their hubby he get a vasectomy? How'd it go?
> 
> I mentioned it the other day, conversation went like this:
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

68,

Then he can wear condoms. 




sixty-eight said:


> The 5 years on my IUD runs out next Christmas. When i asked Mr.68 about a vasectomy a few months back, i got a "hell, no". Neither of us want more children. He said it would make him feel emasculated. Which, i call bullsh!t on, but couldn't argue with. Can't really tell a person that they don't feel how they say they feel.


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## lifecolorful (Oct 5, 2015)

MEM11363 said:


> 68,
> 
> Then he can wear condoms.


No, he can't wear condoms. Condoms are really not effective. And when we tried to use them I was so scared I would get pregnant I couldn't enjoy the intimacy.

Have you seen this?

The New York Times?s Statistical Contraception Failure | The American Conservative


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

MEM11363 said:


> 68,
> 
> Then he can wear condoms.





lifecolorful said:


> No, he can't wear condoms. *Condoms are really not effective. And when we tried to use them I was so scared I would get pregnant I couldn't enjoy the intimacy.
> *
> Have you seen this?
> 
> The New York Times?s Statistical Contraception Failure | The American Conservative



I don't feel safe using condoms anymore either, our oldest was conceived because of a condom breaking.

i get what you're saying though MEM. That if he says no to a vasectomy, then the burden of BC falls on him. 

My plan is just to re-up. To me, it's not worth the accidental pregnancy or the fight about him using condoms. Keeps the peace. I still wish that he would consider it, i just don't wish it enough to start a war. What's that expression? it's not a mountain i'm willing to die on?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Well the thoughts of a scalpel to the testicles is a bit touchy I must say.

Good luck😳


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Just get pregnant at 40 like I did and like my husband, he will be calling for that doctor's appointment right away so it doesn't happen again.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*It's no big deal! He'll get an injection that numbs him for some 4-5 hours, the procedure is painless and is over with in less than 30 minutes, he gets to lay on his a$$ for a long weekend with no more than a small ice pack, and the net result is that he will be "swimmer-free" for the rest of his life!

So what's the downside? He ain't macho enough?*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

One of the best decisions I ever made. Sometimes I wished I had done it sooner. Nah. Sometimes my kids drive me NUTS.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

It wasn't painless by a long strech for me Arb. It varies greatly based on how deep the vas is and how well it is adhered in place. For some men the worst part is the shot. For some men it hurts like a sonofa**** the whole time. The local only numbs right at the incision; if the vas is adhered in place it hurts up in the abdomen like you took a severe kick in the nuts. One side for me was just fine and the other side hurt like hell. 

Also - the rate for vasectomy complications is only low if you don't count the guys that have chronic pain for years. If you do, the complication rate jumps to 18%. Around 2% have severe pain, bad enough that many try a reversal. I spun the dice, and I lucked out. I have no long term pain from it.

For the OP: I hope you can get to the bottom of why. Is he really ready to be done having children, or fear of the procedure? I'm of the opinion that the one with stronger feelings about being done should be the one to go under the knife. I know a dude who's been pushed by his wife to get cut, and then she divorces and has kids after. He feels the fool for it.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

M2 and I agreed to having three children. Part of that was that I would get a vasectomy when the third child turned one, to avoid the SIDS (sudden infant death) risk period. 

I wanted to get a vasectomy, and have never regretted it. 

Some men have a strongly negative emotional reaction to this procedure. 

Not sure why that is, but they do. 





sixty-eight said:


> I don't feel safe using condoms anymore either, our oldest was conceived because of a condom breaking.
> 
> i get what you're saying though MEM. That if he says no to a vasectomy, then the burden of BC falls on him.
> 
> My plan is just to re-up. To me, it's not worth the accidental pregnancy or the fight about him using condoms. Keeps the peace. I still wish that he would consider it, i just don't wish it enough to start a war. What's that expression? it's not a mountain i'm willing to die on?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> M2 and I agreed to having three children. Part of that was that I would get a vasectomy when the third child turned one, to avoid the SIDS (sudden infant death) risk period.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



And frankly it's nobody's place to disparage that legitimate emotional reaction.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

lifecolorful said:


> No, he can't wear condoms. Condoms are really not effective. And when we tried to use them I was so scared I would get pregnant I couldn't enjoy the intimacy.
> 
> Have you seen this?
> 
> The New York Times?s Statistical Contraception Failure | The American Conservative


Just so you know, I have a close friend who just found out she was pregnant after her husband had a vasectomy and the Drs. said it had worked.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

sixty-eight said:


> I don't feel safe using condoms anymore either, our oldest was conceived because of a condom breaking.
> 
> i get what you're saying though MEM. That if he says no to a vasectomy, then the burden of BC falls on him.
> 
> My plan is just to re-up. To me, it's not worth the accidental pregnancy or the fight about him using condoms. Keeps the peace. I still wish that he would consider it, i just don't wish it enough to start a war. What's that expression? it's not a mountain i'm willing to die on?


Are there drawbacks to using an IUD? Like discomfort or physical side effects? If not, I'd probably keep using the IUD, but if so, I'd be very concerned that my partner would let my health/comfort be compromised for his preference.

I just remembered, years ago I had a friend whose husband would not get a vasectomy and her Dr. had said she was high risk for stroke on BC pills. She said she would not have sex with him and she would lay in bed and put her fingers insider her self then run them under his nose and say things like "don't you wish you could have some of that..."

Of course they ended up divorced so maybe that wasn't the best tactic. But she was super hurt that her Dr. was saying BC pills were dangerous for her and her husband still wanted her to keep taking them.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

My ex convinced me to get 'fixed' after our second child was born. I was fine with it as it was what I thought was the right decision at the time. Little did I know there was a third person in our marriage at the time and I would soon be single again.

I will never forgive my ex for forcing me to make that life-altering decision without the full information about what it might mean for my future. It really hurts that my ex is now free to immediately have children with the new partner while I never can, no matter who I might meet and what we might want.

Your husband is either unsure he's done having children, or terrified of having the snip. He may also be saying the former because he's afraid of admitting the latter. Either way, he needs to have the balls to talk to you about it instead of just being avoidant.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

WOM,
Deep sigh. I clearly haven't yet learned to be a bit more thoughtful - when discussing procreative topics. 

For some guys, having the option to have more children is important. The permanent loss of function makes them uneasy. 

Others believe there is an intangible sexual attractiveness factor tied into remaining pro creatively able. 

And others just have a visceral - gut level - aversion to the idea. 

While I didn't feel that way, I understand that others do. And it was not my conscious intent to disparage that viewpoint.

For folks who are truly determined to avoid the potential risks associated with certain types of female birth control.....

The stats for a double barrier method are likely very good. 
Condom plus diaphragm. 

For what it's worth, M2 and I were using condoms 'as needed' while we dated. Her cycle was mostly predictable so we used this hybrid model of condoms when it might be risky. And nothing but our youthful confidence in her cycle when we thought it was NOT risky. 

One night we had the following exchange.

He said
MEM: Is it safe?
M2: Yes

She said:
MEM: Is it safe?
M2: No

Anyway right after I raptured - she looked at me and asked: Why did you do that? 

And I replied: you said it was safe
And she said: I told you it wasn't safe

Oh - did I neglect to mention that we occasionally used that gold standard of contraceptive certainty - the withdrawal method.

So there you have it folks. Two college graduates, both of whom believe they have exceptional verbal skills, each of whom is utterly certain that there was NO ambiguity in the conversation. And yet each heard the exact opposite of the other. 

Maybe this could happen in a noisy bar with lots of distraction. But this happened in a quiet bedroom, facing each other, less than 6 inches apart and quite literally connected physically. 




WorkingOnMe said:


> And frankly it's nobody's place to disparage that legitimate emotional reaction.


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

I had it done, minimal pain. I've had more pain getting my teeth cleaned . no problems for me, but I did follow the Dr instructions to the T 

About 9 out of 10 guys I know said best thing they ever did. The one guy with regrets went out jogging too soon and had pretty bad swelling that night.


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## lifecolorful (Oct 5, 2015)

larry.gray said:


> It wasn't painless by a long strech for me Arb. It varies greatly based on how deep the vas is and how well it is adhered in place. For some men the worst part is the shot. For some men it hurts like a sonofa**** the whole time. The local only numbs right at the incision; if the vas is adhered in place it hurts up in the abdomen like you took a severe kick in the nuts. One side for me was just fine and the other side hurt like hell.
> 
> Also - the rate for vasectomy complications is only low if you don't count the guys that have chronic pain for years. If you do, the complication rate jumps to 18%. Around 2% have severe pain, bad enough that many try a reversal. I spun the dice, and I lucked out. I have no long term pain from it.
> 
> For the OP: I hope you can get to the bottom of why. Is he really ready to be done having children, or fear of the procedure? I'm of the opinion that the one with stronger feelings about being done should be the one to go under the knife. I know a dude who's been pushed by his wife to get cut, and then she divorces and has kids after. He feels the fool for it.


Right, I hate to give you a wake up call, but IUDs for women are excruciating. I'm on my third. I have fainted and rolled off the exam table because insertion was so painful. Women are not given numbing agents, because the medical community believes if we can endure childbirth, then we certainly don't need to waste their time being numbed. 

Long term side effects for me include inability to walk or stand at times (it's been over a year with this new IUD, which is smaller than the first model I had), because my body is trying to reject the IUD. I have actually fallen to my knees at work unable to move because of the pain. It feels like a dull knife blade is working its way out via my muscle cramps. 

I run the risk of getting a perforated uterus and needing emergency surgery. 

So, both sides, you see suffer. I'd get my tubes tied, but that's a serious surgery. Male vasectomy is way less risky.


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## lifecolorful (Oct 5, 2015)

WorkingWife said:


> Just so you know, I have a close friend who just found out she was pregnant after her husband had a vasectomy and the Drs. said it had worked.


Yep. totally terrifying.


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## lifecolorful (Oct 5, 2015)

WorkingWife said:


> Are there drawbacks to using an IUD? Like discomfort or physical side effects? If not, I'd probably keep using the IUD, but if so, I'd be very concerned that my partner would let my health/comfort be compromised for his preference.
> 
> I just remembered, years ago I had a friend whose husband would not get a vasectomy and her Dr. had said she was high risk for stroke on BC pills. She said she would not have sex with him and she would lay in bed and put her fingers insider her self then run them under his nose and say things like "don't you wish you could have some of that..."
> 
> Of course they ended up divorced so maybe that wasn't the best tactic. But she was super hurt that her Dr. was saying BC pills were dangerous for her and her husband still wanted her to keep taking them.


Yes, IUDs are very painful to insert and remove. I also experience side effects like my uterus deciding to reject the foreign object. Can you blame her? What this means is I end up doubled over in pain on my knees unable to move because I feel like I am birthing dull knife blades. I run the risk of having the contraption perforate my uterus, which would result in emergency surgery. This ain't my first IUD either. It's number 3. 

Hubby is the one always saying he doesn't want kids, EVER. So I think it's time he walked the walk.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I was the one who didn't want more children so I assumed the burden. First pills and then an IUD. After an unplanned pregnancy with my IUD in place (which resulted in a first trimester miscarriage) I had my tubes tied. That was several decades ago and I never regretted it for a moment. The person who is most opposed to more (or any) children assumes the burden. If it's a tie as to who is more opposed then I guess you flip a coin. In my case, I knew for certain I had all the responsibility I could handle and I was more than happy to assume the burden. But it's all a risk -- no matter what you do.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Bah. Well worth it.
Fun? Absolutely not.
Hurt? Yep some. Think big kick to the balls.
Worth it?
HELL YES!


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

No regrets whatsoever here.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Working,

If you don't mind, ask your friend whether they: 
- waited the recommended time 
- and then her H went for the test to confirm his 'sperm count' was now zero

If you do those two things - the odds on pregnancy are astronomically low.....





WorkingWife said:


> Just so you know, I have a close friend who just found out she was pregnant after her husband had a vasectomy and the Drs. said it had worked.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

lifecolorful said:


> Yes, IUDs are very painful to insert and remove. I also experience side effects like my uterus deciding to reject the foreign object. Can you blame her? What this means is I end up doubled over in pain on my knees unable to move because I feel like I am birthing dull knife blades. I run the risk of having the contraption perforate my uterus, which would result in emergency surgery. This ain't my first IUD either. It's number 3.
> 
> Hubby is the one always saying he doesn't want kids, EVER. So I think it's time he walked the walk.


OMG. Absolutely. That is very disconcerting that your H is aware of these side effects but willing to let you go through that and take those risks for his sexual gratification when there are other options. 

Also, I hope I am not overstepping my bounds here, but I have to say... If he does not want children EVER and you are uncertain, I would give that a LOT of soul searching on your end. 

I wanted children but not urgently. My H claimed he wanted children but the timing was never right... Then suddenly I was in my mid 40's and afraid of birth defects. Then suddenly I had early menopause. It still didn't hit me for about a year that I had squandered away that opportunity. I did not take charge and push for kids "now" but I also know that if I'd married another man I would have had the children. When it's too late - it's too late. And when that finally hit me, it hit me very hard. I hated myself for marrying him and being so weak about what I wanted, and the resentment toward my husband I really can't put into words. 

I know many women my age who never wanted kids and seem perfectly happy with the decision. But if you want them, even just a little, you may some day be filled with regret if you let the opportunity slip away.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

MEM11363 said:


> Working,
> 
> If you don't mind, ask your friend whether they:
> - waited the recommended time
> ...


Yes, they did do that. 

But I know her H had a major strong sex drive - like 2 - 3 times a day if she'll do it. Though I don't know if that would have anything to do with a vasectomy failing.

She found out she was pregnant because she was at the dr. for another procedure where they always test for pregnancy first. She was dumbfounded and her H thought she had cheated at first.

So then he sent another sample to the place that did the procedure and she said they weren't returning their calls suddenly, where before they always got back to them right away.

I haven't heard what the ultimate result of the more recent sample was.

I too have read it's very rare.


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## romex (Nov 16, 2015)

WorkingWife said:


> Just so you know, I have a close friend who just found out she was pregnant after her husband had a vasectomy and the Drs. said it had worked.


That's because the child wasn't his.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

romex said:


> That's because the child wasn't his.


I know that's the obvious answer, but it's wrong in this case.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

So they did a dna test?


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

lifecolorful said:


> Right, I hate to give you a wake up call, but IUDs for women are excruciating. I'm on my third. I have fainted and rolled off the exam table because insertion was so painful. Women are not given numbing agents, because the medical community believes if we can endure childbirth, then we certainly don't need to waste their time being numbed.


My wife hasn't ever had one and I wouldn't want her to have one. You might want to look at other doctors though, disregarding the pain isn't universal.



lifecolorful said:


> So, both sides, you see suffer. I'd get my tubes tied, but that's a serious surgery. Male vasectomy is way less risky.


We are talking very low numbers for bad outcomes either way - except those 18% of men who have sore nuts for the rest of their life.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

WorkingWife said:


> I know that's the obvious answer, but it's wrong in this case.


Failure to clear the pipes? The say that a WHOLE LOT OF TIMES because too many dudes have a comprehension problem.

I know a guy that regrew 8 years later. He got check and yep, he was fertile again. After that his wife had her tubes tied. The failure rate is lower and they weren't going through it yet again.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

With all the pain and body changes women have to go through having children, quite frankly it is selfish for men to not then take on a little bit of pain and have a vasectomy. Why should the woman have to take this responsibility for decades and have IUDs, the pill in their body?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Exactly how I saw it. 

I did have a loss of orgasm intensity. Lasted maybe 2 years.




Holland said:


> With all the pain and body changes women have to go through having children, quite frankly it is selfish for men to not then take on a little bit of pain and have a vasectomy. Why should the woman have to take this responsibility for decades and have IUDs, the pill in their body?


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

WorkingWife said:


> Are there drawbacks to using an IUD? Like discomfort or physical side effects? If not, I'd probably keep using the IUD, but if so, I'd be very concerned that my partner would let my health/comfort be compromised for his preference.
> 
> I just remembered, years ago I had a friend whose husband would not get a vasectomy and her Dr. had said she was high risk for stroke on BC pills. She said she would not have sex with him and she would lay in bed and put her fingers insider her self then run them under his nose and say things like "don't you wish you could have some of that..."
> 
> Of course they ended up divorced so maybe that wasn't the best tactic. But she was super hurt that her Dr. was saying BC pills were dangerous for her and her husband still wanted her to keep taking them.


There are major risks with an IUD, which is why I will never consider one. Some of those risks include: infection(which can be life threatening), cysts, embedment and/or perforation of the uterine wall(again, can be life threatening), ectopic pregnancy, expulsion, irregular periods, heavier periods, back pain, weight gain, fatigue, etc. The list goes on and on. It's also fairly new, so we don't know more of the long term complications that can arise. 

Honestly, if my husband refused to be an active participant in preventing pregnancy, only making me responsible, I wouldn't want to have sex with him. How incredibly selfish for a man to do. I've been through pregnancy and child birth, so I think my husband can take one for the team when we're done having children.


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

I had thought I'd get a vasectomy someday and that it was the right thing to do. After reading a couple of vasectomy stories on TAM, I greatly appreciate that my wife sees herself going back on an IUD.


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## TAMNewb (Oct 24, 2015)

I had mine done on 9/11/15. Worst part was a sadist prep nurse that washed my balls for 15 minutes. By washing, it was more crushing, twisting and pinching. Sure 90% of my soreness was from prep, not the surgery. 

I hate the no needle, no scalpel procedure. Pain during procedure was very minimal. 

Some reduction in orgasm intensity remains. Mild incontinence was an issue for about a week or so. 

Wasn't happy to have to get it done, but a pregnancy scare made me realize how much I didn't want another child and wanted to take action myself.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

sixty-eight said:


> I don't feel safe using condoms anymore either, our oldest was conceived because of a condom breaking.


And my youngest from the vas healing.

some condom brands better than others, some are kept better, and often they need lubricant. hate the things myself, but the biggest real failure rate is "I didn't use one and lied about it"


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

sixty-eight said:


> The 5 years on my IUD runs out next Christmas. When i asked Mr.68 about a vasectomy a few months back, i got a "hell, no". Neither of us want more children. He said it would make him feel emasculated. Which, i call bullsh!t on, but couldn't argue with. Can't really tell a person that they don't feel how they say they feel.


Just curious... why not get the non hormonal IUD that can stay in up to 12 yrs.. you are a fine candidate since these obviously work well already -having had one in for 5 yrs... 

After doing research to what can go wrong after a vasectomy ..(though rare)...even the smallest risk was not worth it to me... I understand there are risks with IUD's too. the main one is having multiple partners -which can cause pelvic inflammatory disease...

Weighing the pros & cons of each... I was greatly in favor of the paragard IUD...and so happy this is what I have chosen.. once this in inserted.. 5 minutes, large cramp -regular Obgyn visit.. it's like you don't even know it's there... (so long as you are not allergic to copper).

I'd never allow my husband to get one of those.. IF he ended up with chronic pain for instance, I'd be so angry at myself.. plus it would destroy our sex life.. I guess I am very protective of his jewels...


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

my mother in law had her tubes tied, and my father in law had a vasectomy. a couple years later, my brother in law was born. it does happen, but its rare. 

and before anyone asks, no, there was absolutely no cheating.


as for myself, i will probably never get a vasectomy. i want more kids. our problem is not preventing pregnancy, but carrying to term. we stopped counting miscarriages after 15 or so...


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## lifecolorful (Oct 5, 2015)

Holland said:


> With all the pain and body changes women have to go through having children, quite frankly it is selfish for men to not then take on a little bit of pain and have a vasectomy. Why should the woman have to take this responsibility for decades and have IUDs, the pill in their body?


Yes! Yes! Yes! and Thank you!


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## lifecolorful (Oct 5, 2015)

TAMNewb said:


> I had mine done on 9/11/15. Worst part was a sadist prep nurse that washed my balls for 15 minutes. By washing, it was more crushing, twisting and pinching. Sure 90% of my soreness was from prep, not the surgery.
> 
> I hate the no needle, no scalpel procedure. Pain during procedure was very minimal.
> 
> ...


Ok, so my original request was something like, "Hey ladies, ever asked your beau to get a vasectomy?" While I appreciate that dudes who've had this minor surgery want to weigh in, it's really not what I need. What I need is advice that answers this question, "Hey, how do you start up this conversation about wanting your partner to get a vasectomy?"


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

*I say &quot;vasectomy,&quot; he gets quiet*

You start by not minimizing it by dismissing it as minor surgery.

If you really want to convince him, abandon the shaming and guilt approaches and think about positive approaches.

Telling him he's selfish if he doesn't do it will never work. Telling him you really love decaf and never want regular again is a much better approach.


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## lifecolorful (Oct 5, 2015)

*Re: I say &quot;vasectomy,&quot; he gets quiet*



WorkingOnMe said:


> You start by not minimizing it by dismissing it as minor surgery.
> 
> If you really want to convince him, abandon the shaming and guilt approaches and think about positive approaches.
> 
> Telling him he's selfish if he doesn't do it will never work. Telling him you really love decaf and never want regular again is a much better approach.


Hi, I did not classify the operation as "minor," the MEDICAL COMMUNITY does. For your edification:

Vasectomy Surgery
Vasectomy is a minor operation that takes about 15 - 30 minutes and is usually performed with local anesthesia in a doctor's office or a family planning clinic. Most insurance policies will cover vasectomies performed as a minor outpatient procedure, but will not cover vasectomies performed as major surgery in an operating room. If a Vasclip procedure is performed, there may be an additional cost for this device.

Also, I have never called my husband selfish, even when I believe he's acting that way. Also, I don't shame, but apparently you do. Did you read your own post???

"You start by not minimizing it by dismissing it as minor surgery."


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

> Honestly, if my husband refused to be an active participant in preventing pregnancy, only making me responsible, I wouldn't want to have sex with him. How incredibly selfish for a man to do. I've been through pregnancy and child birth, so I think my husband can take one for the team when we're done having children.


To which I'd add, if she'd made an honest effort at a reasonable level of frequency over the previous decade I'd have considered it seriously. :|


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## lifecolorful (Oct 5, 2015)

anonmd said:


> To which I'd add, if she'd made an honest effort at a reasonable level of frequency over the previous decade I'd have considered it seriously. :|


Bummer.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

My ex absolutely did not want kids but would absolutely not get one. He was quite protective of "the boys" and seemed to feel he would be less of a man. I don't understand that but he did. After 10 years I did become pregnant and by then we both were good with it. Meanwhile a good male friend did it for his girlfriend because she could not take BC or anything with hormones due to her health. I don't know what they did before that point but he had no issues with it and took care of it.

I have a friend who would get migraines from anything with hormones and they used condoms for over 10 years with no problems. Due to female issues, an IUD wasn't an option, either. I don't know if they ever discussed a vasectomy. I know I wouldn't like condoms for that many years but I think finances were an issue regarding either procedure.

I guess you don't know if you'll have an adverse reaction - painful vasectomy with lingering issues vs. tubal ligation (major surgery) or IUD with lingering issues - until it's too late. All options are worthy of careful consideration. And while the emotional "emasculation" argument seems silly, we can't control how we feel.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

It is very important to remain aware of the politics surrounding this procedure. 

For example - it appears to that some folks who are politically opposed to vasectomies were able to hijack the process for measuring post operative success. 

They did a survey 90 days post op asking if the patient had any residual pain. They defined this as 'chronic' pain. 

Since when is 3 months chronic? It would be like calling pregnancy a chronic medical condition. 

If you take this type of political, reality distorting approach, you get to claim that 18% of men have 'chronic' post op pain. 

An apolitical group did a different study. Asked at the one year point whether or not the patients had enough pain such that it was disruptive to their day to day lives. Less than 1%. 

That sounds right to me. Less than 1%. 

I'm married to a Catholic. As a group they HATE sterilization and will often say stuff that is technically true but substantively false to achieve their political goals. 





EnjoliWoman said:


> My ex absolutely did not want kids but would absolutely not get one. He was quite protective of "the boys" and seemed to feel he would be less of a man. I don't understand that but he did. After 10 years I did become pregnant and by then we both were good with it. Meanwhile a good male friend did it for his girlfriend because she could not take BC or anything with hormones due to her health. I don't know what they did before that point but he had no issues with it and took care of it.
> 
> I have a friend who would get migraines from anything with hormones and they used condoms for over 10 years with no problems. Due to female issues, an IUD wasn't an option, either. I don't know if they ever discussed a vasectomy. I know I wouldn't like condoms for that many years but I think finances were an issue regarding either procedure.
> 
> I guess you don't know if you'll have an adverse reaction - painful vasectomy with lingering issues vs. tubal ligation (major surgery) or IUD with lingering issues - until it's too late. All options are worthy of careful consideration. And while the emotional "emasculation" argument seems silly, we can't control how we feel.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> It is very important to remain aware of the politics surrounding this procedure.
> 
> For example - it appears to that some folks who are politically opposed to vasectomies were able to hijack the process for measuring post operative success.
> 
> ...


I truly had chronic pain for years during pregnancy and post birth, placental tears, bleeding, vomiting, iron deficiency, then the births and some serious pain during. Then 11 months of horrendous pain while BF my second which I endured for her benefit.

Changes to my body which are lifelong.

It is incredibly selfish of some men to not even consider having a vasectomy, it also comes across as very weak.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Just for clarity - I'd do a vasectomy instead of a single pregnancy without hesitation. One for one. 

M2 had difficult pregnancies. Not as difficult as yours. But way, way, way more difficult than my vasectomy. 

The objective data on pain/risk make that part easy. 

That said, for some men the emotions surrounding this are difficult. And they can be easily riled on this subject. 

I'm not certain it's weak. Maybe selfish. 




Holland said:


> I truly had chronic pain for years during pregnancy and post birth, placental tears, bleeding, vomiting, iron deficiency, then the births and some serious pain during. Then 11 months of horrendous pain while BF my second which I endured for her benefit.
> 
> Changes to my body which are lifelong.
> 
> It is incredibly selfish of some men to not even consider having a vasectomy, it also comes across as very weak.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

*Mention Vasectomy? We get quiet. It's what we do.*


----------



## lifecolorful (Oct 5, 2015)

Ok, so, back to my original question:

Ladies, have you ever brought this topic up with a lover? and what would you say/ wish you hadn't said?

OR

Dudes, has a lover ever brought this conversation up with you, what do you wish they had/hadn't said?

It's a discussion that's gunna happen, but I'd like to approach it with some insight. 

This thread has gotten derailed by the sensitive nature of the topic I want to discuss, while
I appreciate the politics/medical risks/personal stories of getting cut, I need advice on how to approach my partner. 

Thanks!


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

lifecolorful said:


> Ok, so my original request was something like, "Hey ladies, ever asked your beau to get a vasectomy?" While I appreciate that dudes who've had this minor surgery want to weigh in, it's really not what I need. What I need is advice that answers this question, "Hey, how do you start up this conversation about wanting your partner to get a vasectomy?"


I think the "problem" is that your H is used to doing absolutely nothing about birth control. So from his perspective, you're asking him to go from "la-la-la don't have to do anything about birth control at all" to vasectomy.

I'd suggest you start by telling him what YOUR boundaries are, i.e., "When this IUD comes out, I'm not getting a new one. What would you propose we do about birth control going forward?" 

If he has nothing to offer, then you go to condoms/spermicide for ALL sexual encounters going forward and see if that helps him consider birth control from a different perspective.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

*Re: I say &quot;vasectomy,&quot; he gets quiet*



WorkingOnMe said:


> You start by not minimizing it by dismissing it as minor surgery.
> 
> If you really want to convince him, abandon the shaming and guilt approaches and think about positive approaches.
> 
> Telling him he's selfish if he doesn't do it will never work. Telling him you really love decaf and never want regular again is a much better approach.


WOM is spot on. You calling what happened to me 'minor' wants me to respond with an F you. I went in with full foreknowledge. It doesn't take away that it still really sucked on one side.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

*Re: I say &quot;vasectomy,&quot; he gets quiet*



lifecolorful said:


> Hi, I did not classify the operation as "minor," the MEDICAL COMMUNITY does. For your edification:
> 
> Vasectomy Surgery
> Vasectomy is a minor operation that takes about 15 - 30 minutes and is usually performed with local anesthesia in a doctor's office or a family planning clinic. Most insurance policies will cover vasectomies performed as a minor outpatient procedure, but will not cover vasectomies performed as major surgery in an operating room. If a Vasclip procedure is performed, there may be an additional cost for this device.
> ...


If your husband is the one with the hangup, then his definition of minor and major are a bit more important, perhaps?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I agree that getting a vasectomy would make me feel emasculated.:frown2:

Mrs.CuddleBug is on birth control. The pills help minimize her periods, so much that sometimes she almost doesn't have any flow. Keeps them minimal instead of heavy.

Mrs.CuddleBug wouldn't want to go off birth control to be honest.

Many other ways you can have sex.

- anal if you're adventurous
- foot jobs oiled
- breast jobs oiled
- oral
- hand jobs oiled
- hallow strap on for him
- toys on each other

The only good friend of mine that did have a vasectomy already has two kids and he and his wife both together decided to get the vasectomy. In her case, it was healthier for her and her sex drive went way up.

But for most of my friends with kids, birth control or condoms.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I'll add to this NoraJanes insightful post. 
*
Reason this is going to be a painful process is simple. Your H believes that birth control is entirely your responsibility. Full stop.* 

His strategy: The silent and immovable object. 

He quietly and firmly avoids ANY PARTICIPATION in this process because to date, that produces the result he wants. Which is you taking full ownership of this responsibility. 

Interim step options available to you: Condom plus diaphragm every single time you have sex. Using those two barriers every single time you have sex is incredibly effective. 
For emphasis: every single time

Observe: 
Babe, your period JUST ended, it's safe. Please don't make me wear that condom. I HATE those things. 

Morphs to: 
Babe, You're probably not ovulating right now besides you have the diaphragm in. 

There is a term for this gradual evolution in your behavior. It completes with the word: CONCEPTION 

For him to FEEL joint responsibility YOU NEED TO INSIST that he do his part. 

Every complaint about condoms ought to be met with a smile and one of the following: 
1. We don't HAVE to have sex
2. You ought to see what an IUD feels like 
3. If you really hated condoms half as much as you say, you'd take a step makes them unnecessary 





norajane said:


> I think the "problem" is that your H is used to doing absolutely nothing about birth control. So from his perspective, you're asking him to go from "la-la-la don't have to do anything about birth control at all" to vasectomy.
> 
> I'd suggest you start by telling him what YOUR boundaries are, i.e., "When this IUD comes out, I'm not getting a new one. What would you propose we do about birth control going forward?"
> 
> If he has nothing to offer, then you go to condoms/spermicide for ALL sexual encounters going forward and see if that helps him consider birth control from a different perspective.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

*Re: I say &quot;vasectomy,&quot; he gets quiet*

Larry,

Sincere question. Would you have preferred a dual barrier strategy to getting a vasectomy? 

Meaning that every time you had sex you both used a barrier. Diaphragm for her, condom for you. 

Because I believe that is a perfectly fair 'stance' to take. Reason is that to my knowledge most women don't have side effects from a diaphragm. If they have an allergy to spermicide - forgoing its use is way less risky with a dual barrier strategy. 







larry.gray said:


> If your husband is the one with the hangup, then his definition of minor and major are a bit more important, perhaps?


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

lifecolorful said:


> Ok, so, back to my original question:
> 
> Ladies, have you ever brought this topic up with a lover? and what would you say/ wish you hadn't said?
> 
> ...


Education ... find as many documents as you can that talk about how it is the best method of birthcontrol. Easiest operation of the choices available. Percentages of people that have no issues when undergoing the procedure.

Anything you can find that should put his mind at ease and make him realize that vasectomy is the best option for you as a couple.

If he doesn't believe you, then maybe he will believe some professionals.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

*Re: I say &quot;vasectomy,&quot; he gets quiet*



MEM11363 said:


> Larry,
> 
> Sincere question. Would you have preferred a dual barrier strategy to getting a vasectomy?
> 
> ...


I don't think this is about the method or the alternatives. I think it's about compassion and acknowledging the big deal nature of what he did by the person who benefited from it as much as him.

Honestly, the OP asked how to bring her husband to the table. While having a choir sing to her about how selfish he is and how minor the surgery is may make the her feel justified (or indignant), it's not going to give her husband any incentive to do what she wants. I get that she doesn't like my style so I'll bow out of the discussion. I just think it's a shame that she doesn't want to hear more from the people who just might think more like her husband. It seems like a great way to get insight that you can use to form a successful strategy.


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

Lifecolorful, I got this done in the past year. When my wife got pregnant at a young age with her daughter there was some severe complications no the pregnancy. We tried to have our own children but it was not in the cards. The problem was there was always a chance it could happen. So we talked about it as we were both getting close to 40 and such and what could happen if she did. 

She was on birth control but there was some impact so we talked about instead of having the risk of a bad pregnancy or health concerns how about we do this one procedure and be done with it. I had no issue doing that as she didn’t demand or force me to do it. It was talked about and researched together. She must have told me a thousand times don’t do this if you have any concerns or doubts. I respected that she respected me in making the call. On the flip side I would come at her for something the same way. So it was not a big deal to me.

That being said it was a quick and most part easy process. Little sore for 2 days but good to go after that. But that was just my experience and as you can see there are others that did not have good dealings. I don’t want to diminish that. But to answer your question it was simply we talked about it and not once did I feel there was pressure or disappointment on whatever we decided. Made it pretty easy to do for her.


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## TAMNewb (Oct 24, 2015)

lifecolorful said:


> Ok, so my original request was something like, "Hey ladies, ever asked your beau to get a vasectomy?" While I appreciate that dudes who've had this minor surgery want to weigh in, it's really not what I need. What I need is advice that answers this question, "Hey, how do you start up this conversation about wanting your partner to get a vasectomy?"


My apologies. 

Only advice I have besides having an adult conversation (difficult for men when you're talking about having their berries sliced), is to remind him of how life would change with a new baby or force him to wear condoms if he wants sex. Given the many, many non-surgical BC options, it can be a hard sell. Good luck. I've never regretted it (although little time has lapsed).


----------



## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

norajane said:


> I think the "problem" is that your H is used to doing absolutely nothing about birth control. So from his perspective, you're asking him to go from "la-la-la don't have to do anything about birth control at all" to vasectomy.
> 
> I'd suggest you start by telling him what YOUR boundaries are, i.e., "When this IUD comes out, I'm not getting a new one. What would you propose we do about birth control going forward?"
> 
> If he has nothing to offer, then you go to condoms/spermicide for ALL sexual encounters going forward and see if that helps him consider birth control from a different perspective.



We've used condoms for sometimes lengthy periods over the years. Not that big a deal to me. In a previous relationship of several years it was nothing but condoms. Do I prefer without, sure. But I prefer sex so whatever...

Interestingly, she did decide on the tubal. Shortly after she had the only flareup of a serious sex drive in over 10 years. Only a few weeks but it was fun.


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## HurtDude (Nov 5, 2015)

Having a knife near my balls I do say would also make me clam up a bit.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

lifecolorful said:


> Ok, so, back to my original question:
> 
> Ladies, have you ever brought this topic up with a lover? and what would you say/ wish you hadn't said?
> 
> Thanks!


My husband is finally getting a vasectomy early next year when our medical savings plan is replenished. I say 'finally' because we've been talking about it for years. 

After years of using a mixture of condoms, coitus interuptus (pulling out), and tracking my periods like a hawk, he's finally decided to take the plunge. 

Did I have to do a bit of convincing? Not really. My husband experienced first hand my side effects to hormones, the annoying stop in action to insert a diaphragm, and above all else a pregnancy where I spent 18 weeks in bed rest due to severe sciatica.....the pain which caused my blood pressure to go through the roof, which almost ended up killing our child.

Someone else said it best, state your boundary and give him the consequences. Present all of the b.c. options and use logical arguments for considering a vasectomy. Heck, he pay prefer to go condoms + diaphragm route but at least he's taking some responsibility over b.c.


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

I've never had a problem with a confession breaking. The ONE time we didn't use a confession my wife conceived.

Anyway, I had a vasectomy about five months ago and I still don't feel the same. They ache sometimes, and the scar still hurts if I squeeze it. I do kind of feel emasculated, tbh. I know that's not what you want to hear, but that's just my experience. YMMV.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

From a mans perspective I won't ever get a vasectomy, that's my power, my strength, no chance I cut that off. The pill, IUD, etc.. are temporary, a vasectomy is neutering yourself permanently, totally different IMO.

My wife hates the pill, I won't get a vasectomy so sometimes I wear a condom, but most of the times it's the rhythm or pull out method.


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## lifecolorful (Oct 5, 2015)

*Re: I say &quot;vasectomy,&quot; he gets quiet*



larry.gray said:


> WOM is spot on. You calling what happened to me 'minor' wants me to respond with an F you. I went in with full foreknowledge. It doesn't take away that it still really sucked on one side.


I'm sorry that I offended you. It was not my intention. I stated several times that I appreciate the personal stories about peoples surgery experiences. 

However, my experience with pain, perforation risk, ectopic pregnancy, etc., cannot be minimized either. 

This thread is asking for advice on how to converse about this sensitive topic. 

I appreciate that you took the time to reply.


----------



## lifecolorful (Oct 5, 2015)

SadSamIAm said:


> Education ... find as many documents as you can that talk about how it is the best method of birthcontrol. Easiest operation of the choices available. Percentages of people that have no issues when undergoing the procedure.
> 
> Anything you can find that should put his mind at ease and make him realize that vasectomy is the best option for you as a couple.
> 
> If he doesn't believe you, then maybe he will believe some professionals.


This is really great advice. Thank you!


----------



## lifecolorful (Oct 5, 2015)

Eagle3 said:


> Lifecolorful, I got this done in the past year. When my wife got pregnant at a young age with her daughter there was some severe complications no the pregnancy. We tried to have our own children but it was not in the cards. The problem was there was always a chance it could happen. So we talked about it as we were both getting close to 40 and such and what could happen if she did.
> 
> She was on birth control but there was some impact so we talked about instead of having the risk of a bad pregnancy or health concerns how about we do this one procedure and be done with it. I had no issue doing that as she didn’t demand or force me to do it. It was talked about and researched together. She must have told me a thousand times don’t do this if you have any concerns or doubts. I respected that she respected me in making the call. On the flip side I would come at her for something the same way. So it was not a big deal to me.
> 
> That being said it was a quick and most part easy process. Little sore for 2 days but good to go after that. But that was just my experience and as you can see there are others that did not have good dealings. I don’t want to diminish that. But to answer your question it was simply we talked about it and not once did I feel there was pressure or disappointment on whatever we decided. Made it pretty easy to do for her.


YES! THis is the type of conversation I want to have. I'm not intersted in strong arming anyone into doing anything they don't want to do. I just want a chance to make a case. Unfortunately, my H just walks out. 

Hopefully, with the other great advice I've gotten, I can put together a gentle nudge with some research. 

You're right. I need to reassure him it's a decision we make together. And he can say "no," right up to the last second. 

Brilliant. Thank you!


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Just curious... why not get the non hormonal IUD that can stay in up to 12 yrs.. you are a fine candidate since these obviously work well already -having had one in for 5 yrs...
> 
> After doing research to what can go wrong after a vasectomy ..(though rare)...even the smallest risk was not worth it to me... I understand there are risks with IUD's too. the main one is having multiple partners -which can cause pelvic inflammatory disease...
> 
> ...


So, I'm trying to understand the thought process behind this. You are ok with an IUD that can have possible life threatening complications, but you are not ok with your husband possibly having a complication such as slight pain? 

It just does not make any logical sense to me. 



As'laDain said:


> as for myself, i will probably never get a vasectomy. i want more kids. our problem is not preventing pregnancy, but carrying to term. we stopped counting miscarriages after 15 or so...


Wow, I don't know how you do it.  I just had my second miscarriage in September and I'm having a really hard time pulling myself back together. I don't think I could handle that many. 

Once we have our second, my husband is going for a vasectomy. He did not want to in the beginning, but we've talked about it a lot and looked at all of our birth control options. The vasectomy has the highest success rate in preventing pregnancy with the least amount of risks. He thought he would lose some of his "manhood", but when he found out his BIL had it done, who is a super "macho" type guy, he realized it's a lot more common than he thought and felt a bit better about it all. I can't take hormonal birth control for medical reasons and will not risk an IUD(nor would my husband want me to), so we're looking at somewhat limited options. Neither of us want to go back to using condoms all the time, so he agreed to go for the big snip and we're both happy with that decision.


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## woodyh (Oct 23, 2015)

Well I had one years ago, very little pain, healed up in a few days. It is not neutering, that would be removing the testicles! You still have semen, just no swimmers.

Wife was pretty ill the third child and absolutely did not want more kids. She said no more sex until I got it done and meant it. It wasn't that bad and would do it again for sure.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

woodyh said:


> She said no more sex until I got it done and meant it.


I think for most men that would be a deal breaker. It's one thing to discuss it as one choice of many options but for me that kind of ultimatum would result in divorce.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I think for most men that would be a deal breaker. It's one thing to discuss it as one choice of many options but for me that kind of ultimatum would result in divorce.


Really? Divorce over doing something to prevent pregnancy and that can prevent your wife from being very ill. I think that's pretty sad that you think so low of your wife that you put the importance of having sperm over her.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

*I say &quot;vasectomy,&quot; he gets quiet*



Anonymous07 said:


> Really? Divorce over doing something to prevent pregnancy and that can prevent your wife from being very ill. I think that's pretty sad that you think so low of your wife that you put the importance of having sperm over her.



No that's not what I said. Read it again. Do you think that was respectful? Would you tell your husband he has to cut off part of his body or you're cutting him off sexually without discussion? Your way or the highway and your way involves permanent surgery on him?


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Marc878 said:


> Well the thoughts of a scalpel to the testicles is a bit touchy I must say.
> 
> Good luck😳


Indeed.

TMI Warning

I went to the doctor on another matter and, as a man with large testicles that hang low I was strongly advised never to get a vasectomy.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Anonymous07 said:


> So, I'm trying to understand the thought process behind this. You are ok with an IUD that can have possible life threatening complications, but you are not ok with your husband possibly having a complication such as slight pain?
> 
> It just does not make any logical sense to me.


 Not everyone will understand my thought process ... between weighing the pros & cons of all the birth controls options, I read countless articles...the good, the bad.. the worrisome... This is what I wanted.. and felt strongly about it -being the best choice FOR US..

I looked upon it this way... I've been pregnant 6 times, had 2 D & C's, an exploratory laparoscopy..my womb & getting instruments pushed up me was pretty common place.. under the knife- having C-sections... never had any trouble.... I knew I was a good candidate , excellent in fact for the Copper IUD.. and I felt, from my research, the risks were Less - as far as having something go wrong.. (temporary is never a concern of mine.. but something permanent IS)..

Granted I would care a great deal that the Doc inserting mine had inserted hundreds before.. no new medical student shoving that up my womb. 

You may not agree with the statistics that I have read.. but sometimes (again a low number) there is permanent pain with a vasectomy.. if this screwed with our sex life.. I'd be frustrated and VERY ANGRY.. would it be his fault. NO!.. but if I pushed him to get it.. Oh yeah.. I would be angry at myself.. 

Logically ....I don't understand the reasoning to opt for a surgical procedure if a 12 yr IUD could be put in - in an office visit in 5 minutes and you're done!

I got mine on the way home from having our last son...that's all it was - a large cramp.. I did fear the initial pain.. but my OBGYN talked me out of it..no numbing necessary.. I told her.. "go for it!"... and it was fine ! 

I LOVE MY IUD !! that's my experience and I feel very good about it.. just as others feel good about what they have chosen.. 

I also want to add... I can not express how thankful I am to my husband for allowing as many children as we've had...most men would have stopped at #2 telling the wife .... "you are getting fixed or I AM.. Period, end of subject".....I am grateful .. I've never looked upon it as ...."I labored & went through all this pain...now it's your turn honey!"...

He wouldn't want to have it done.. but in reality.. I feel stronger on it than he even would.. it's kinda how he sees me getting a tummy tuck.. NO RISK is worth it (his words) .. and that's how I feel about a vasectomy...

Now.. IF I had complications with any of my prior surgeries, prone to infections down there, just worrisome things..... then I probably would have felt differently , this would make sense... I might have asked him to consider it... pretty sure he'd still want to stick to condoms if so though..

I also understand the IUD does not work for some women.. I had an Aunt who had one in for 10 yrs, got it taken out & had her only daughter in her 40's.. so I figured "hey, it will probably be good for me too".. and it was. 

But I thank you for asking A07... we all have our reasoning behind why we feel as we do, this is true.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Mr The Other said:


> Marc878 said:
> 
> 
> > Well the thoughts of a scalpel to the testicles is a bit touchy I must say.
> ...


Do you know the reason behind this?


----------



## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Not everyone will understand my thought process ... between weighing the pros & cons of all the birth controls options, I read countless articles...the good, the bad.. the worrisome... This is what I wanted.. and felt strongly about it -being the best choice FOR US..
> 
> I looked upon it this way... I've been pregnant 6 times, had 2 D & C's, an exploratory laparoscopy..my womb & getting instruments pushed up me was pretty common place.. under the knife- having C-sections... never had any trouble.... I knew I was a good candidate , excellent in fact for the Copper IUD.. and I felt, from my research, the risks were Less - as far as having something go wrong.. (temporary is never a concern of mine.. but something permanent IS)..
> 
> ...


I have lost count of how many surgeries I have had for a rare birth defect, and I just don't follow your thought process. Just because things went ok before, does not guarantee anything for the future. I almost died on the operating table at age 16 after having more than a dozen surgeries before that with zero complications all done by the same surgeon who diagnosed me at 3 months old. You may think you're "safe" from your prior experiences, but you're not. 

You are looking at an IUD which can have life threatening complications(perforation of the uterus, pelvic inflammatory disease, ectopic pregnancy, etc.) vs an out patient procedure which has a minimal risk of him enduring long term pain(not life threatening). On one hand you have an IUD that can kill you and on the other hand a vasectomy that can cause some issues(around 7% or so risk of chronic pain). I think I would choose the non-life threatening choice.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I do not care to have a vasectomy. My W does not care to have her tubes tied(although the Dr offered the procedure when he was removing an ovarian cyst). My W is of the mind to let nature take it's course and disrupt it as little as possible. I'm of similar mind. Both procedures can fail. My grandmother had her tubes tied. My dad was conceived 10 years after the procedure. A poster in this thread has said his vasectomy failed. The best way to not conceive is abstinence. Who wants to practice abstinence? Not me. So, what to do.... Learn and explore sexual fulfillment with the use of oral. By and large my W and I sexually satisfy each other without penetration(although we do have intercourse from time to time and I wear a party hat). We like to fly our freak flag when it comes to sex. Often culmination of a fantastic time is done with our imagination, right touch, mouth, hands and inner kinky desires that do not entail penetration.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Anonymous07 said:


> I have lost count of how many surgeries I have had for a rare birth defect, and I just don't follow your thought process. Just because things went ok before, does not guarantee anything for the future. I almost died on the operating table at age 16 after having more than a dozen surgeries before that with zero complications all done by the same surgeon who diagnosed me at 3 months old. You may think you're "safe" from your prior experiences, but you're not.


 I very much agree with you.. I surely don't think that mistakes aren't made in hospitals, or with any procedure.. there ARE RISKS.. of course... 

I could tell some very sad stories -how a friend contracted a simple staff infection having some sort of knee surgery.. this let to a more serious infection, that had her bedridden almost 2 yrs, this began her nightmare...then she finds out her husband is doing his Secretary....her life changed forever..as did their childrens... 

I am a worrier by nature.. I always consider the RISKS.. I read more about THEM than I do the Pros -to be honest.. 

My father had some sort of surgery , then the hospital sent a letter shorty after informing him he was exposed to Hepatitis __ thankfully he was vaccinated against this particular strand yrs before (not one that is required).. due to his experience. I got myself & husband vaccinated too. I am big on taking precautions to prevent as much as we can.. 



> You are looking at an IUD which can have life threatening complications(*perforation of the uterus*


extremely rare 1 out of a 1,000 -similar to chronic pain in vasectomies, actually the man's risk is HIGHER for chronic pain... also compare Perforation rates with abortions, it's 4 times higher.. 1 out of 250. A woman can get this from a Tubal Ligation also.. for some reason this doesn't get spoken of much.. D&C's are a risk also. 



> * pelvic inflammatory disease,*


 This is due to having multiple sex partners.. wasn't a concern ....STD's & IUD's don't go together... ...


> * ectopic pregnancy*


 . 
Most everything I read has stated they DO NOT cause ectopic pregnancies.. but I will tell you what does >> Pelvic Inflammatory disease .. this is WHY the association was made... Web MD  states they lower your risk, go figure.. 

Taken from Pelvic Inflammatory Disease: Symptoms, Causes, Treatments

What puts a person at risk for Pelvic Inflammatory Disease? IUD is not on the list.. but again.. .. any OBGYN will NOT recommend, even allow an IUD to patients with these risk factors ...



> There are several things which would put a woman at risk for PID, including:
> 
> *** Women with sexually transmitted diseases -- especially gonorrhea and chlamydia -- are at greater risk for developing PID.
> *** Women who have had a prior episode of PID are at higher risk for another episode.
> ...


 and the last page of the article speaks on how this ..."causes scarring of the Fallopian tubes which can lead to infertility, ectopic (tubal) pregnancy, or chronic pelvic pain. Infertility occurs in about one in eight women who have PID."



Anonymous07 said:


> vs an out patient procedure which has a minimal risk of him enduring long term pain(not life threatening). On one hand you have an IUD that can kill you and on the other hand a vasectomy that can cause some issues(around 7% or so risk of chronic pain). I think I would choose the non-life threatening choice.


 There WERE problems with an earlier IUD called the Dalkon shied.. which gave the IUD a bad name.. the copper ParaGard today is a much improved safer IUD... I found a report from the CDC... it states " a minimum IUD-related mortality rate of approximately 3 per million woman - years of use."

We can all find a story & a # of them to say "after reading this.. I would never get an IUD or never get a Vasectomy!''... truth is.. they are ALL VERY RARE.. and thank God...

I could have offered this story in my replies...this husband caught a bacterial infection of the blood (septicaemia) going in for a routine Vasectomy .. but again.. what are the chances... How a vasectomy operation killed my husband | Daily Mail Online

Life is a risk.. every birth control has it's risks.. we take chances every day - hopefully we've weighed the odds in relation to our own given situation/ lifestyle ... It's great to have all these options!! .. Let us all choose wisely.


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

OP - my wife was fairly direct. After our third son (first together, each with a son from a prior marriage), my wife basically said if I want to keep having sex I need to have a vasectomy. Prior to her pregnancy, she used the copper IUD successfully for years. I was a little taken aback by the forwardness, but generically agreed and started the process.

The side effects are well-documented in their specifics but not in their frequencies. I was initially dismayed by them and the large number of men that I talked to personally who had issues. Most of whom admittedly did NOT follow the Drs orders and take it easy for 2-3weeks. I brought it up, and she started to waiver and consider a tube tie. In the end, due to risk for that procedure vs. mine, I decided to get a vasectomy. Thankfully, no real side effects occurred for me. 

But then...

3 years later she tells me she wants another baby... I made her wait 2 more to be sure it wasn't a temporary thing. So I had a reversal (which took 2 attempts). 

A key point - the not so small chance of having permanent effects on your sexual functionality is nothing minor. Several of the men that I talked to no longer wanted to have sex at all. I am a high drive person. That might be fine for some to handle. But not many. So while we're comparing potential side effects consider that with the weight it really carries. 

It IS disrespectful to place all of the responsibility on the woman. It is NOT disrespectful to not consider permanent sterilization as the "obvious" choice. The suggested "alternative" practice is a good one - the dual contraceptive or no funtime is a good one.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Error deleted.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

WorkingWife said:


> lifecolorful said:
> 
> 
> > No, he can't wear condoms. Condoms are really not effective. And when we tried to use them I was so scared I would get pregnant I couldn't enjoy the intimacy.
> ...


Did he get the all clear from his doc (a semen analysis to verify no sperm present?). It takes a month of frequent sex (20 ejaculation) to clear out.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

larry.gray said:


> WorkingOnMe said:
> 
> 
> > You start by not minimizing it by dismissing it as minor surgery.
> ...


Agree. The first thing to consider is who does not want more kids. And that includes contemplating an end to the marriage or death of a child. I did the vasectomy because I was done having kids.

Another bad strategy is to argue how women are the ones who get pregnant or how unfair it is that women bear most of the BC responsibility. We do not pick our genders nor are guys responsible for the state of medicine.

You just sit down and look at all the options openly and honestly. Don't turn it into a gender war. And, be open to new ways of exploring oneself or having sex if you have hangups. For instance, a good choice might be to go with natural family planning, avoiding unprotected intercourse during fertile periods. But that would involve checking one's reproductive organs for temp, mucus, etc And some women refuse. Blows my mind.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

DTO said:


> Agree. The first thing to consider is who does not want more kids. And that includes contemplating an end to the marriage or death of a child. I did the vasectomy because I was done having kids.
> 
> Another bad strategy is to argue how women are the ones who get pregnant or how unfair it is that women bear most of the BC responsibility. We do not pick our genders nor are guys responsible for the state of medicine.
> 
> *You just sit down and look at all the options openly and honestly. Don't turn it into a gender war. And, be open to new ways of exploring oneself or having sex if you have hangups. For instance, a good choice might be to go with natural family planning, avoiding unprotected intercourse during fertile periods. But that would involve checking one's reproductive organs for temp, mucus, etc And some women refuse. Blows my mind*.


This is what I did .. during our 30's.. granted we had 5 more kids.. one was an accident - I'll blame husband for that (just kidding) he wanted to forgo the condom & I told him it's IFFY.. (day 19 in the cycle)...

I never wanted to take hormonal birth control.. didn't like the sound of those side effects.. never took 1 BC pill in all my years.. 

I had a basal body thermometer - knew all about that, what to look for when trying to conceive for over 6 yrs...how the Mucus will get like raw egg white.. between your fingers, the longer you can stretch it -the more fertile you are, that egg is ripe!!.... all that good stuff ... 

I had a big fat book on Family Planning.. we wanted a larger family anyway...so a slip up wasn't a big deal to us.. 

After struggling with infertility... I never liked the idea of anything permanent either (another plus for the IUD -in my book)... I've sat & listened to 3 girlfriends who regret getting their tubes tied ... wishing they had waited.. one of them did go on to adopt though...


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

DTO said:


> You just sit down and look at all the options openly and honestly. Don't turn it into a gender war. And, be open to new ways of exploring oneself or having sex if you have hangups. For instance, a good choice might be to go with natural family planning, avoiding unprotected intercourse during fertile periods. But that would involve checking one's reproductive organs for temp, mucus, etc And some women refuse. Blows my mind.


Maybe because NFP is not as reliable as other methods. Plus, it once again leaves the responsibility of birth control on the woman, as it is her who has to check cervical mucus, take her basal body temperature, etc. The man does nothing but look to her for when they can have sex. 

I have charted my cycles for years and know my body well. I can easily see when I'm fertile vs when I'm not, but keep in mind that cycles can change for many reasons(age, illness, diet, stress, etc.) and it can happen quickly. I normally ovulate on cycle day(cd) 16 on a 30 day cycle. There was a month when I ovulated very early on cd 10. I went from having non-fertile cervical mucus(sticky) to fertile cervical mucus(egg white) in a day. We had sex a couple days before and I ended up pregnant with our amazing son. It was fine for us since we wanted children anyways and he just came earlier than we planned, but had we no longer wanted children, that could have been a very stressful event. Many people who use NFP end up with an 'oops' pregnancy. I have many Catholic friends who use this method and one who even teaches a coarse on it. She got pregnant last year with an oops pregnancy, as she also ovulated much earlier than normal. It happens. 

Couples together need to look at birth control options and what works best for both involved. Putting all the responsibility on the woman for birth control is not what would work best for both involved, as it benefits the man, but not the woman. At some point, he should step up to make it work well for her, too.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I very much agree with you.. I surely don't think that mistakes aren't made in hospitals, or with any procedure.. there ARE RISKS.. of course...
> 
> I am a worrier by nature.. I always consider the RISKS.. I read more about THEM than I do the Pros -to be honest..
> 
> ...


Ectopic pregnancy is an adverse side effect associated with using either Mirena or ParaGard. Using the IUD alone increases your risk for an ecptopic pregnancy, on top of any existing risks you may already have. An IUD does not cause an ectopic pregnancy, but using an IUD alone does increase your risk of ectopic pregnancy should you become pregnant. A pregnancy with an IUD is more often an ectopic one than a pregnancy with no IUD. It is not because of other factors alone, as the IUD itself puts you at risk for this life threatening complication, as documented in medical journals. 

These are not issues from only past IUDs, as there are a huge amount of current lawsuits going on against Mirena and Paragard for issues they have caused. One right now is suing Paragard over issues from copper toxicity. Copper build up in the body can disrupt and ruin the liver, causing many problems. It can also cause problems with the nervous system, with issues such as mood swings, depression, mental agitation, feeling over-stimulated, restlessness, anxiety,brain damage, insomnia, and a racing mind with too many thoughts all hallmarks of elevated Copper toxicity.

PID may not always be relevant for many who are married, but sepsis and other infections are. Any time you have a foreign object in your body, you are putting yourself at risk for infection. It is easy for bacteria and viruses to cling to that object and multiply. There have been a number of cases of Toxic Shock Syndrome, sepsis, etc. This can come from bacteria on your fingers when checking the IUD, anything on your husband's penis when having sex, bacteria that travels up from when using a lubricant, etc. It happens and isn't just an issue with women who have multiple partners. 

Everything is a risk, so it is very important to look at risk vs reward. The risks with an IUD are higher than those for a vasectomy. Since you are ok with those higher risks, that can work for your family.


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## lifeisbetterthanalternat (Apr 24, 2012)

I am not sure if I responded to this or just thought about it LOL.

My experience with my vasectomy was not good.. three years later still get pain I never had before and would reverse it if it were practical/possible. 


All birth control seems to have pitfalls though.


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