# He wont stop sexting...



## mel86 (Jul 6, 2012)

I caught my Fiance sexting a few months back, and then very clearly communicated to him that I am not comfortable with it. He promised he would stop, and then 1 week ago today, i caught him again. We talked about it and I said again I feel very uncomfortable with him sharing such intimate things about himself to a woman that is not his Fiance... he promised he would stop.. and then today... I've unfortunatly found another email/text. I dont know what to do.. help me...


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## Double Trouble (Jun 5, 2012)

Where there is smoke there is usually fire. You just don't text someone of the opposite sex something of a sexual nature because you want to be his/her friend. 

Can you be a little more specific with the text messages that are being sent? Depending how graphic they are would truly send up alarms.


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## mel86 (Jul 6, 2012)

The messages are "sexual" and nude pictures. He is sending them to girls he meets over the internet, and knows nothing personal about them. We are a some what younger couple and I am not strict when it comes to things like porn.. Porn does not bother me one bit... the girls in the videos are just that girls in videos. not real just a fantasy.. but these women he is texting are real. He says that he has done it because its exciting and gives him a rush...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He has already proven to you that he will not stop. He's tell you what he wants you to hear and then do what he wants to do.

You are right that this is different than porn. These are live women. He might be meeting up with them. If it has not happened yet it probably will.

Plus when he's doing this he has no idea the age of the person on the other end. My daughter's friends used to think it was funny to get guys to send them nake/sexual photos. We just handed all the photos, email addresses, etc over the police and the FBI. Let them sort out why full grown men were sending trash like that to underaged girls.

He's not marriage material. He does not care what you think or feel.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

What he's doing is emotional cheating. If you're engaged to be married, he shouldn't be contacting any women on the internet - let alone sexting them.

I would think very seriously before marrying a man like this, OP, because he doesn't seem to understand what a committed relationship is.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

What he is doing is wrong. Don't marry him until he has proven that he has stopped.

This is a form of cheating... sexual/emotional cheating...just not physical, yet.

Be strong and hold your ground. Leave if you have to. Do whatever means necessary to show him that you will not be with him if he continues to do this.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

He is doing this compulsively. That means, he kind of sort of wants to stop, he even tells you he will stop, but then he won't. Think of a super bad habit, bordering on an addiction.

He gets something out of this, obviously, and the fact that it's live women is a big part of that. The fact that it's multiple women means he's a serial cheater. This stuff almost never stays at the fantasy level.

This is a problem inside of him. It may be, for example, that he thinks the world revolves around him and that he's entitled to do this and he doesn't care too much about what you think, he's going to do it anyhow. Or, he may feel at his core he isn't loveable, he has a hole in his heart and needs endless validation from multiple women. In that case, his self-esteem is super low and it needs constant reviving and this is the only way he knows how to achieve that.

Regardless of which it is, the problem is INSIDE OF HIM. It isn't something you are going to fix. Put it this way: he KNOWS it makes you angry and/or sad. But he does it anyway. Your anger or sadness is NOT ENOUGH to get him to stop.

If you keep confronting him, what is almost sure to happen is that he will keep on doing it, he'll just find a way to "take it underground" and disguise it and hide it from you. He's already shown you he's perfectly willing to lie.

I know it's hard to believe, but you are going to have to bring this to an ultimatum. I'd ask him to attend sex addiction counseling. If he balks--and he will--you'll know that although he has a compulsion that you detest, he isn't willing to work on quitting it for you. And in that case, you will have to resign yourself to living with it (and the likelihood that it will lead to live cheating) or else, leave him.


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## Double Trouble (Jun 5, 2012)

mel86 said:


> The messages are "sexual" and nude pictures. He is sending them to girls he meets over the internet, and knows nothing personal about them. We are a some what younger couple and I am not strict when it comes to things like porn.. Porn does not bother me one bit... the girls in the videos are just that girls in videos. not real just a fantasy.. but these women he is texting are real. He says that he has done it because its exciting and gives him a rush...


That is totally out of line. You have to drop this guy like a hot potato. This guy is bad news. Sorry but I don't see him changing. That is totally inappropriate behavior for someone that is engaged. Three strikes your OUT!:wtf::wtf::wtf:


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

mel86 said:


> I caught my Fiance sexting a few months back, and then very clearly communicated to him that I am not comfortable with it. He promised he would stop, and then 1 week ago today, i caught him again. We talked about it and I said again I feel very uncomfortable with him sharing such intimate things about himself to a woman that is not his Fiance... he promised he would stop.. and then today... I've unfortunatly found another email/text. I dont know what to do.. help me...


If you marry this guy, you'll be back here askin advice for a more serious manor.... I hope to not see you here for that.


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## mel86 (Jul 6, 2012)

iheartlife... your comment totally I think hits it on the head. He isnt a bad guy that so many of these other comments have said.. he has a problem.. an addiction. I really do just have to try to get him to go to counseling.. or something to help him. If that wont work, well, I will just have to cross that road when I get to it.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Regardless of which it is, the problem is INSIDE OF HIM. It isn't something you are going to fix. Put it this way: he KNOWS it makes you angry and/or sad. But he does it anyway. Your anger or sadness is NOT ENOUGH to get him to stop.


And this could be another pay off for him. Perhaps he even gets off on knowing it upsets you - a sort of ego trip...

Whatever the scenario, you shouldn't be having to tolerate that sort of behaviour from him.


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## Double Trouble (Jun 5, 2012)

mel86 said:


> iheartlife... your comment totally I think hits it on the head. He isnt a bad guy that so many of these other comments have said.. he has a problem.. an addiction. I really do just have to try to get him to go to counseling.. or something to help him. If that wont work, well, I will just have to cross that road when I get to it.


If it is an addiction scenario then you are in the role of the enabler. You are making excuses for his behavior. Sure he may need help but like any addiction he wont get it until he hits rock bottom. Call off the engagement until he gets help and you are totally 100% convinced that he is rehabilitated. 

If he loves you as you obviously love him then this would be his rock bottom and he would seek help. If he doesn't then it just wasn't meant to be and move on with your life. Sounds harsh but it's reality.:slap:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mel86 said:


> iheartlife... your comment totally I think hits it on the head. He isnt a bad guy that so many of these other comments have said.. he has a problem.. an addiction. I really do just have to try to get him to go to counseling.. or something to help him. If that wont work, well, I will just have to cross that road when I get to it.


Some of us here have dealt with this in our relationships. That's why you are getting the kinds of responses you are getting.

It's up to him to change his behavior. You cannot make anyone change. You can only change how you interact with that person.

Sure there is a very slim chance that he will see the light and learn to control this behavior. But most people do not.

The question you need to ask yourself is how much of your life are you willing to devote to being a care taker to someone who has a compulsion to do something that is upsetting and that can lead to even worse behaviors.. such as meeting these women in person for secret sex?

For people who have compulsions and/or addictions, they take piority over all else in life... even you.

You are quickly becoming his mommy who tells him to stop his bad behavior. And like any little boy, he's telling you what you want to hear and continuing his bad behavior behind your back.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

Mel, this is just the tip of the iceberg... You're not even married yet and he can't even reserve his private parts for you alone. He's blatantly disrespecting your feelings and therefore painting a stark picture of what you can expect from him years down the road. You say "he's not a bad guy" and that you think this just an addiction, but I'm sorry... This is past the point of having a porn addiction. He's getting a rush by testing your boundaries wih other women online... How long do you think it will be before the rush of online women isn't enough for him and he has to start banging other women???

You better think long and hard about the future you're about to embark on with this guy. He's treating you like sh!t and you're tolerating it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

mel86 said:


> iheartlife... your comment totally I think hits it on the head. He isnt a bad guy that so many of these other comments have said.. he has a problem.. an addiction. I really do just have to try to get him to go to counseling.. or something to help him. If that wont work, well, I will just have to cross that road when I get to it.


No offense, but until he's diagnosed with an addiction, there's no way I'd let him off on that. There's a world of difference between "can't stop" and "won't stop". And until he's in therapy for a sex addiction, he's gotta be put in the "won't stop". 

And I say this as a guy, who's been in the "won't stop" category a few times.

C


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