# Making Plans



## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

Hello,

I'm new on the "considering" board. My story is posted under the "general" board as "She Doesn't Trust Me." Here's the short version...

After several years of conflict, doctor's appointments, marriage and individual counseling, my counselor and I suspect my wife has Borderline Personality Disorder. She's never cheated on me that I know of, but there is absolutely NO trust left in our marriage. 

She has accused me of intentionally trying to inflict mental and emotional distress on our 3-year old son. This is something I categorically deny. I'm sometimes a little clueless about the perfect fatherly response, but I sincerely try to do the right thing. 

She's accused me of being physically abusive with him and her. When I tell friends who've known me all my life, they laugh. Nobody can imagine me abusing anybody. I've never laid a hand on either one of them in anything but love. But one time I stood in front of her as she was walking through the kitchen and told her we needed to talk (she'd been giving me the silent treatment for several days). I think I stood there a total of 30 seconds. She says I "blocked" her from going where she wanted to go, so that was abusive. Similar things have happened with our son...I did some innocent things with him that got twisted completely out of proportion. She hasn't made any accusations to the authorities (I think because she knows she couldn't prove it), but she has told a lot of our friends and family members about it. So now I'm in a position where if anything innocent happens - let's say my 3-year old trips and falls on his face and gets some bruises - people will suspect me.

She refused to go to counseling with me for a long time, then suddenly changed her mind for a while and wanted to go. When I expressed surprise, she started questioning why I should be so shocked and asked me if I was having an affair with the counselor. After several months of counseling, she has refused to return.

She called me once on a business trip at midnight to question a strange article of clothing she had found in my laundry. The article in question? A pair of my own sweatpants that I had purchased on a hunting trip a few weeks before. She was actually questioning me about a phantom lover over a pair of my own pants!

She accused me of bugging our phones at home to spy on her conversations with her mom. At one point, her mom even called our local police department to report that "someone" was bugging her daughter's phone.

After working with both of us for a year, our counselor (who is now just MY counselor because my wife refuses to go back) told me last week to move out. QUICKLY. She said the false accusations and bizarre paranoia will only get worse.

Another counselor I've known for years also recommended that I avoid sex with her, if the opportunity arises (we've been sexless for a year and I'm surprisingly OK with that right now!). He said he had a client once who was married to someone with BPD. She suddenly got seductive one night, he went along, and in the middle of the act she told him to stop. He didn't stop quickly enough, and she called the police to report that he had raped her. So he told me to avoid sex at all costs. Again, that hasn't even been a factor for at least 12 months, but I'm wary of something like that occurring.

I'm working on getting a place to stay. I've consulted with an attorney, but I don't want to pay a retainer fee to her until the last moment, because my wife handles the finances and will surely notice a $1200 retainer fee going to a law firm. I'm renting a storage shed this week and slowly moving some of my things into it.

My plan is in a couple of weeks to get a babysitter for our son, tell her I want out, present my dissolution / divorce plan to her, recommend she get a lawyer, and then immediately leave for my new housing. I don't think staying around after that would be prudent. It would give her too many chances to claim that I've done something inappropriate.

I grew up in a religious background that considers divorce the absolute last, last, LAST thing you consider. But my counselor - who specializes in CHRISTIAN counseling - has told me that in my case it is completely justified. What my wife is doing has been described by some as emotional abuse, and abuse cannot be tolerated in a marriage.

I'd like some thoughts from people who have been there and done that. Part of me is sick to be violating my beliefs. But part of me thinks that getting out NOW would be such a relief. I almost don't care what my church teaches any more. I just want to pain to end.

Any thoughts?........


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Hurtnohio:

I'm sorry for your family and your situation. Have you talked to your counselor about getting your son evaluated? Are you considering going for full custody since his mother is so unstable and likely to become worse? Can your attorney force a medical evaluation for your wife to prove your son is safe in the short-term and to provide guidance for the long-term situation?

Sometimes it is very hard to reconcile years of religious teachings vs. years of suffering. But when you know in your heart that you have done everything possible (short of martyrdom) for your marriage, then you need to let go. Forgive yourself and realize that you need to do what is best for YOU so that you may do what is best for your son.

God Bless you, your wife and your son. May you find a happy and peaceful resolution to your situation. We'd be happy to 'talk' with you on the boards again; even if you just need to vent.


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Hurtnohio:
> 
> I'm sorry for your family and your situation. Have you talked to your counselor about getting your son evaluated? Are you considering going for full custody since his mother is so unstable and likely to become worse? Can your attorney force a medical evaluation for your wife to prove your son is safe in the short-term and to provide guidance for the long-term situation?
> 
> ...


Thanks for your thoughts.

Actually, my wife is an awesome mother. I'm inclined right now to let her have primary custody. My job takes me out of town a lot, so it would be more stable for my son anyway.

I did ask my lawyer what we could do if she ever becomes abusive toward our son in the future. The lawyer said we could fight for full custody then, but she hasn't been inappropriate at all in her intetactions with him. Plus I'd have a hell of a fight if I tried to get custody. Since she's so good to him, I don't see the need to stir that pot up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

That's GOOD news, Ohio!

Although your marriage is troubled, your SON is doing well and thriving under TWO parents who love and nurture him. I'm sure that is a blessing to know that he is loved and cared for so well by his mom.


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> That's GOOD news, Ohio!
> 
> Although your marriage is troubled, your SON is doing well and thriving under TWO parents who love and nurture him. I'm sure that is a blessing to know that he is loved and cared for so well by his mom.


I am blessed that he has been largely unaffected by the turmoil. At least so it seems. I do worry about what will happen once I leave and become a part-time Daddy. But I grew up in a dysfunctional home where my parents stayed together for "the kids." I ended up in a bad marriage, and my 42-year old sister has never seriously dated or gotten married. 

So it seems to me that if the best thing you can model for the kids is a dysfunctional marriage, it's better to divorce. Am I wrong to think this way?

This is so conflicting for me. I was raised to believe that divorce was never an option. But I was taught that by my parents who ended up divorcing after I moved out. So I'm not sure why I still hold onto that belief, when it didn't exactly work out for my parents.

I just want my son to be OK. And if mommy and daddy are always arguing and never show each other any affection, what kind of marriage are we modeling for him? Isn't it better to model NO marriage than an unhealthy one?

These are the kinds of questions that have been keeping me awake at night. Between this and the bizarre paranoia and accusations, I believe that leaving is my best choice. But it's definitely not an EASY choice!


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Hurt:
I have followed your story here, and I think that you have come to the right decision. I know it is painful for you, and that you have tried everything that you can to save your marriage.

As for finances, do you get a bonus check from your company that you can use without her knowing? Another option is to borrow money from relatives.

I wish you well through this process. I'm sure your wife will not make this amicable.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Yes, it IS better to model NO marriage than an UNHEALTHY marriage.

There is always the possibility of a future healthy marriage that your son can learn from. There is nothing wrong with learning that from Dad & stepmom OR Mom & stepdad.


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Yes, it IS better to model NO marriage than an UNHEALTHY marriage.
> 
> There is always the possibility of a future healthy marriage that your son can learn from. There is nothing wrong with learning that from Dad & stepmom OR Mom & stepdad.


True. I made the mistake of saying this to her once, and this is all she heard. She told all our friends that I wanted to leave her so I could go "find someone else."

Living with BPD is no picnic!


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

You said divorce was the last action you'll take, but did you ever gave her a warning of a divorce?

I usually don't support divorce if there is no adultery involved, but obviously you know your situation best.


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

keko said:


> You said divorce was the last action you'll take, but did you ever gave her a warning of a divorce?
> 
> I usually don't support divorce if there is no adultery involved, but obviously you know your situation best.


We have discussed divorce from time to time. She has admitted to me that she has wanted to leave and if she could be certain she'd get full custody, she would have already left.

My counselor says that a "divorce warning" is not going to be productive. It will only scare her into going back to counseling long enough to prolong the inevitable. Someone with BPD is terrifed of abandonment and will do anything they can to avoid being abandoned. So she would probably go back to counseling, but only to avoid abandonment. The counselor doubts that it would be very productive.

I did tell her at one at one point that if she didn't go back to counseling with me, I wanted out. She still hasn't agreed to go back. 

When you combine that with the bizarre threats and accusations, I don't feel I have any other choice right now.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

hurtnohio said:


> Someone with BPD is terrifed of abandonment and will do anything they can to avoid being abandoned. So she would probably go back to counseling, but only to avoid abandonment.


You suspect she is BPD but not diagnosed right? She refused to get diagnosed as well? 

Did you get any professional help regarding how to approach her, not from a therapist but someone who deals with BPD's. I would suspect someone with fear of abondonment would damage herself or even the kid if it's something she can't accept and see's no future.

IMHO I would weight my decision's more on a specialist then a therapist. After all therapist's "can" alter both of your opinions/views to continue your visits, $$.


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

keko said:


> You suspect she is BPD but not diagnosed right? She refused to get diagnosed as well?
> 
> Did you get any professional help regarding how to approach her, not from a therapist but someone who deals with BPD's. I would suspect someone with fear of abondonment would damage herself or even the kid if it's something she can't accept and see's no future.
> 
> IMHO I would weight my decision's more on a specialist then a therapist. After all therapist's "can" alter both of your opinions/views to continue your visits, $$.


My wife has refused to even consider that she might have a problem. She refuses to even take a psychological evaluation, even though our family doctors believes this would be VERY helpful in this case (I'm willing to take one as well, but only if she does). She has stated repeatedly that she doesn't have any problems, that I do and if I would just get my problems taken care things would be great.

And my therapist is not the kind of person who will tell me what I want to hear to keep my money coming in. She's more ethical than that, and I have had several trusted friends who have recommended her to me.

I've really tried everything I can think of. And IMHO, baseless accusations of abuse ARE a form of abuse. I'm being emotionally and verbally abused. And my abuser refuses to acknowledge her role in all this. It's time for me to go.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Did you think about leaving the house and giving an ultimatum until she gets diagnosed? Or is that a hopeless route?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I would most respectfully suggest that perhaps you are not being realistic about your son's welfare if you leave him with her. 

"She has accused me of intentionally trying to inflict mental and emotional distress on our 3-year old son."

"It would give her too many chances to claim that I've done something inappropriate."

"I do worry about what will happen once I leave and become a part-time Daddy."

"combine that with the bizarre threats and accusations"

"My wife has refused to even consider that she might have a problem. She refuses to even take a psychological evaluation"

" I'm inclined right now to let her have primary custody. My job takes me out of town a lot, so it would be more stable for my son anyway."

"I did ask my lawyer what we could do if she ever becomes abusive toward our son in the future. The lawyer said we could fight for full custody then, but she hasn't been inappropriate at all in her intetactions with him. Plus I'd have a hell of a fight if I tried to get custody."

You seriously suspect that your wife is mentally ill. She is already making "bizarre threats and accusations," what do you think she will say to your son ONCE YOU LEAVE??? Is she going to be poisoning him against Daddy? Maybe. Is she going to try to convince him that Daddy has intentionally tried to hurt him physically/mentally? Maybe? Probably? She's already accused YOU of it. If you wait until AFTER she has been abusive to your son physically/mentally, you will be so full of regret.

I think you need to re-evaluate leaving your son with a sick, possibly vindictive (towards you) woman. Can your attorney demand that your wife be tested BEFORE she is granted sole custody (even temporarily) of your son?

Let us know how you're doing!


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

I've talked to my attorney about this. And it is a concern. But she is a very loving mother to him. I'm concerned that in the long run, she may start to turn on him the way she's turned on me. But in the short run, I've never seen anything but love and affection from her toward our son.

The attorney's take is that this would be an extremely long and possibly futile fight. I am in a job that requires me to be away from town for days on end. That alone might mitigate against me in court. Also, I don't have the $20,000 - $40,000 that it would take to even go that route. 

If I thought she was abusive toward our son, absolutely! I'd do whatever it takes. But she doesn't behave that way toward him. In fact, I'm about the only person in her life that she treats this way.

The lawyer's advice was to leave as quickly as possible, even if I have to give her custody. But to stay involved in my son's life and if I even catch a whiff of verbal abuse toward him, then we can pursue custody with the evidence on our side.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Good luck to you and your son!

Stay with us and let us know; we care!


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