# Ask OW to find out if husband gave full disclosure good or bad idea??



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Are there signs to look for when your spouse/SO comes clean completely? :scratchhead:

This is important to me because by coming clean I feel that he trusts me enough with the truth. If he doesn't come clean but wants me to trust him again that is difficult. I need that to build a more solid relationship on. 

To understand this he denied the affair all the way up until I caught him (from emails and photos) then he tried to deny, got angry at me, and then wanted to reconcile but the "truth" did not come out then I knew about 10% and that was all he admitted too. 8 months later more things were coming out. Big things (like having looked at an apartment with her..these are no little graphic details...he first denied telling her he loved her but later admitted to it). 

To an extent I do understand why. He said if he'd told me all when we reconciled I would have left him. He is probably right, but if he really meant he was sorry I still would have come back. He didn't trust me to stay. But asks that I trust him now. Also I know he was trying to soften the blow. 

I've grown a lot in this and I can handle anything he has to tell me because right now matters most but I need to know that there are no more secrets and it helps me to figure out what went wrong to begin with. Catch22 is not knowing if he's given full disclosure yet or not because of the earlier lies...

Do you think you just "know" in your heart, what if your gut tells you there is more? I've been honest with him about these feelings and he promises there is no more. I am trying to look forward and not backward and focus on the fact that he is different. During his affair he was "the evil twin" AffairCare described in another post. He was different and that should have been a giveaway. He's not like that...

Anything you can suggest to help accept and move on that there are no more facts out there waiting to clobber me??? 

One thing that made me wonder I suggested to him that I actually talk to the OW, that I ask her to tell me what happened. He seemed near panic, he said that he didn't want me to because he felt to be vindictive she'd lie...??? Is his concern for me or that I'll learn something he neglected to tell me and is this a good idea that I do this? :scratchhead:


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

AZMOMOFTWO you and your spouse have come a long way. And what the two of you have accomplished really goes against the odds. If your husband is being a "good boy" and is no longer hiding daily activities, I believe I would let him slide on the details of that past affair. Personally I would not have wanted to know all of the "gruesome" details of my estranged husband's affairs. I would try to focus on the future together, if he is totally committed to that. I definitely wouldn't talk to the OW--just be thankful she is gone!


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I'm in the same boat as you, my husband's affair only lasted about 6 months, he has told me a lot of the details but I know I don't know it all.....
Does that bother me, yes, does it hurt me, yes......
Would it make me mad, yes.....
I think the more details you get the more you can relate and have triggers that are difficult to deal with......
What he and my husband did was so wrong and so hurtful and will we ever trust them again......NO........my therapist said you shouldn't be trusting him at this point and I should just focus on his actions, he said this is a long term thing, he said anyone can do the right thing for a little while, he said I would know what my husband's true intentions are in the long term. Don't let the past and that relationship take anymore from you or your marriage....
Don't give it the power, tell your husband you are committed to him and you will work on trusting him and this you will do by his actions and his changes.....
Enjoy your new husband and be thankful it has turned out this way instead of him living in that apartment with her.....
It tough I know.....but worth it in the end


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

I don't think there are any "signs" as to when you will know if your spouse has come completely clean. You just need to start trusting your husband that what has happened, has happened in the past and start working towards the future. I don't think contacting the OW is good idea. How do you know if you can trust her? She lied to you as well and hasn't spent the past 8 months trying to reconcile things with you. One of the thing smy counselor told me when I had a ton of questions for my H after his affair, was go ahead and ask your questions, but ask yourself of each question "why am I asking this question and what do I expect the answer to change?" It really turns things around because one thing I've learned is even though I know all the details I can about his affair, it didn't change what were are doing now to fix things. And to also recognize that I will never know all that happened no matter how many questions I ask.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Well, I can tell you my part in this weird life I have. Since the OW's husband is the one that notified me ( 18 months after the fact) and she had also messaged me I felt it was okay to ask her questions. I basically just asked for her side and I wanted to know what my husband had said about me to her. Just morbid curiosity I guess. That and he is military, so I wanted to know how I was talked about when I wasn't there. 

I had enough sense to keep the conversation respectful and not get emotional at all. I just asked her for the facts and told her I would appreciate her response and that this is the last time I will ever contact her regarding this. She answered me honestly and I found out that my H was still holding back on things that had happened. 

Finding all that out, I was glad to know, and then had to discuss it with my H. That is where it all went crazy. Instead of coming to grips with all of it, he kept trying to deny, until I showed him the message from her. Then it hit home to him that I wanted to know everything, and that trust was going to be hard to get back, because I had to find out the truth from someone else, again. 

It did set us back, but my specific need to know got fulfilled. I can't say whether or not it has helped, but it is done.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

AZ, honestly...I feel like you just need to let this all go. Ya know, there are likely a plthora of little details I don't know about my husbands affair, but the ONLY purpose knowing the nitty gritties would serve at this point is throwing my emotions back to THAT time all over again. I can tell from everything about my H that he is home...he is where he wants to spend his life, he truly loves me, and even more than that, he truly appreciates me, for what I went thru to save our marriage, and for helping him grow the F up, by standing by him and working thru it all. You know enough about my story to know that I DO know how you feel, but hon....if he is giving you NO indications (yep, my H was EVIL, spiteful, and miserable when he was cheating) and is doing everything he can to help you see that he is 100% vested in the here and now....then you just have to let it go. Honestly, it's the best thing you can do. Focus on the present and stop letting that horrible time have so much control over your life NOW.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

It's a very bad idea to contact the Other Woman for 'disclosure'. 

1) It is contact with her (contact for your husband by proxy) - absolutely NO contact is a far wiser course. 

2) There is no way to know if she is telling the truth. She could easily minimize the affair to help your hubby hide the truth - or she could really blow it out of proportion because of being 'dumped' by your husband. By what criteria would you be able to tell what is truth from her and what is embellishment? No matter what she says, you will feel doubt.

3) Even if you believed what she says, how much of this is your desire to have 'facts' that fit what you think happened, and what really happened?

4) Looking for details is a means of prolonging pain and poking at the healing wound. It's a common thing to do - you get measles, they itch, you scratch - even though NOT scratching hastens healing.

5) It was an affair, regardless of what happened. What matters is that it has ended, and you are working with your husband to build a _new_ (not the _old_) relationship. Dwelling on what has passed, looking endlessly for answers, simply builds resentment.

6) How would you know that your husband has told you the complete truth? Is it when he tells you things that coincide with your opinion of what happened? What happens if your opinion of what happens and the actual events do not coincide? Which is the real truth? 

The solution is to work on truth here and now, to stay open and honest. It may be that he did not tell you 'all' - it may also be that he did. But what he does from now on is how your relationship will thrive. If he lied in the past - as trust is built - he will be more and more willing to tell you.


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## showtime (Mar 18, 2010)

I will tell you that either way it is going to hurt. If you hear the words you are looking for it hurts. If you don't hear the words you are looking for, it hurts. Because you know but for some reason they "lie" to you about it. I believe they think that they don't want to hurt you any worse than they already have. Right or wrong, it is what it is. Unfortunatly in my case I had a mutual friend that was telling me everything I asked. And my W story wheb she confessed did not match exactly. But I struggled with that, and still do a little bit. But the advice I can give from my expereince is to just let it go. Work on the future and forget the past. You can't change the past. Its over, its done. Idk if any of this helps, but I thought I would share.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom and sharing our own personal pain to help. The message is loud and clear, move on to healing. Sometimes I wonder if prolonging the pain is what I am doing because of fear that it can't be fixed...maybe...but even still I'll face that and move on with this.


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