# Interesting discussion about infidelity



## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Recently, my wife and I discussed another couple whose marriage went kaput because of an affair. I told her that if she strayed, I would forgive her. Granted, it would be difficult, but we're "only human, born to make mistakes," as the song told us. We are married 27 years, after all, and still love each other ... She paused, and said she didn't know if she could forgive me if I strayed. I was surprised. Just wondered what the TAM community thought of our conversation: Me willing to forgive and move on, she being not so sure.

guess this could also be in the infidelity section


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

I guess it depends on the affair. Is it an emotional one.. a physical one? I understand that she is not sure and there would be many details that would determine forgiveness.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

In theory, I'm all for forgiveness, but to be honest, I don't know how I would react if it happened.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

I think more men forgive women than vice versa? Just my hunch of course.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

For some, there is no greater sin. For others, it's part and parcel of human fallibility. Most of us wouldn't forgive a serial cheater, but some of us can forgive under certain circumstances. 

I assume forgiveness would be contingent on a bunch of conditions, though, correct? The nature of the affair, what the spouse does to make amends and to not repeat it, etc. Your willingness to forgive is not carte blanche, I suspect.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Hopefully this all stays a theory. There should be consequences for actions though, I think her response was the normal reaction. Boundaries are healthy.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I think neither of us would easily forgive a clandestine affair, but it would depend on the circumstances. Neither of us wants to know if the other has an affair and it eventually ends without discovery. Both of us have (and would) give each other permission/approval to have sex or a polyamorous relationship with someone else, so there is no reason to have a clandestine affair. I suppose if one of us strongly disapproved of their proposed person, there _could_ be motivation to hide it, but it would take _huge_ effort to actually do so. And neither of are willing to risk what we have for some temporary fun.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Just wondered what the TAM community thought of our conversation: Me willing to forgive and move on, she being not so sure.


Not uncommon. For some cheating is an absolute dealbreaker. For others it isn't.

I've been with DH for 22 years come December. If he had a one time thing under some kind of rare circumstance I think I'd try to reconcile. If it was more than a one time extraordinary circumstance I'd make it my mission to ruin his existence.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Recently, my wife and I discussed another couple whose marriage went kaput because of an affair. I told her that if she strayed, I would forgive her. Granted, it would be difficult, but we're "only human, born to make mistakes," as the song told us. We are married 27 years, after all, and still love each other ... She paused, and said she didn't know if she could forgive me if I strayed. I was surprised. Just wondered what the TAM community thought of our conversation: Me willing to forgive and move on, she being not so sure.
> 
> guess this could also be in the infidelity section


For me, If my wife had a one night stand and never talked to the guy again, I would definitely forgive. Maybe not even be all that upset, but i'll sure act upset. On the other hand, if she knew the guy beforehand, or was in touch with him after, that would be a deal killer and I'd walk ASAP.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Recently, my wife and I discussed another couple whose marriage went kaput because of an affair. I told her that if she strayed, I would forgive her. Granted, it would be difficult, but we're "only human, born to make mistakes," as the song told us. We are married 27 years, after all, and still love each other ... She paused, and said she didn't know if she could forgive me if I strayed. I was surprised. Just wondered what the TAM community thought of our conversation: Me willing to forgive and move on, she being not so sure.
> 
> guess this could also be in the infidelity section


I would hope to forgive but that isn't the same as reconciliation.
You can do one without having to do the other.

I know that after adultery the marriage would not be the same. It can work and I know of several good marriages where it has, but the trust would take many years to be restored and the marriage would have to be rebuilt from the start.
Not sure if telling a spouse that you would stay if they cheated is a good idea though.

It may also depend on what other family you have. Divorce shatters far more people than just the couple.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

I think it depends on the type of affair it is. For men, a wife's physical affair is often a deal breaker, while a betrayed wife is more devastated when her WH has had a deep emotional attachment to another woman. 

Back when I was married to my XWW, I was willing to work through her affair until I found out she had no intention of being honest with me or actually stopping contact with the OM. Now, 25 years later? In my mid fifties I have moved to a place of non-tolerance. I am already halfway through my life and I cannot waste any more of my life on disrespectful and untrustworthy people. If I were to marry again, and she were to have a one night stand, it would be over. No mulligans for her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I think more men forgive women than vice versa? Just my hunch of course.


Not sure about that. I know a few women who stayed with their cheating husband's.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Recently, my wife and I discussed another couple whose marriage went kaput because of an affair. I told her that if she strayed, I would forgive her. Granted, it would be difficult, but we're "only human, born to make mistakes," as the song told us. We are married 27 years, after all, and still love each other ... She paused, and said she didn't know if she could forgive me if I strayed. I was surprised. Just wondered what the TAM community thought of our conversation: Me willing to forgive and move on, she being not so sure.
> 
> guess this could also be in the infidelity section


She’s now wondering if you’ve cheated.

Congrats! 🎊🎉🥳


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

If it was just a short affair I might try to get over it. But for me, trust is the real issue. I would never really be able to trust to the same level that I currently trust. Then I would have to figure out how much trust do I need? How can she prove that she deserves that trust? etc. I really don't know if I could ever trust her again. 

In the end, I think any cheating is just a deal breaker. I just don't know how she would ever be able to earn my trust again.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> She’s now wondering if you’ve cheated.
> 
> Congrats! 🎊🎉🥳


Or feeling her out and laying the groundwork. 



Longtime Hubby said:


> but we're "only human, born to make mistakes," as the song told us.


You're old enough to realize that is a really sad attempt at minimization. Your wife isn't having any of it. Take heed. She values her marriage too much to pay homage to a cheap lyric.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Just wondered what the TAM community thought of our conversation: Me willing to forgive and move on, she being not so sure.


I think you were trying to blow smoke at your old lady trying to show her what an outstanding and understanding guy you are. What you didn't count on is she's been married to you for decades and knows your full of shyt. She let you know in a hurry that her thoughts and what she'll put up with don't jive with your attempt to lead her to a response you wanted to hear. She's smarter than you Dawg. Get over it.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Recently, my wife and I discussed another couple whose marriage went kaput because of an affair. I told her that if she strayed, I would forgive her. Granted, it would be difficult, but we're "only human, born to make mistakes," as the song told us. We are married 27 years, after all, and still love each other ... She paused, and said she didn't know if she could forgive me if I strayed. I was surprised. Just wondered what the TAM community thought of our conversation: Me willing to forgive and move on, she being not so sure.
> 
> guess this could also be in the infidelity section


I would never make a blanket statement like that. There may be some circumstances that you would be willing to forgive her for, but I bet there are some that you wouldn't. A drunk ONS, maybe. What about a 6 month affair that you find out about because you got an STD from her? Would you forgive that? What about an affair with your best friend and they've been doing it in your bed? Worse yet, you catch them in the act? Or like the @VintageRetro situation where the WW had sex multiple times with AP, broke it off, but caught an STD, took care of it while hiding it from her H and he found out about the affair from a 3rd party months after it had ended. Are you really willing to forgive and stay with her under all circumstances? Even if you can get over the sex, can you get over all the lies told straight to your face from the one person in your life that you gifted with your unwavering trust? The putting her pleasure over her love and caring for you and the sanctity of your marriage? For me, those are all unforgivable. 

I've told my wife that an affair is the end of our marriage, period. She is the only woman I've been with sexually and the only one I ever want to be with and I expect her to be exclusive to me. Her having sex or even an EA with another person when we've made the most sacred commitment to each other is really unforgivable. That said, I will admit that their could be a scenario that results in me forgiving her, but for the life of me I can't think of any. Every time I come up with a scenario where I think, "well maybe...", it quickly turns to "nope." I believe my wife feels the same way, but I'm not so sure. She had one LTR before we met. Although she never had a smoking gun, she had plenty of circumstantial evidence that he cheated on her more than once. Yet, she still did some pretty stupid things to try to stay with him. That was 34 years ago and she was only 19. Obviously she has grown a lot since then. Even so, I believe there is a chance she would try to forgive me. It is just who she is and how she loves. We don't ever have to worry about that though. I am fully committed to her being my one and only.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I think more men forgive women than vice versa? Just my hunch of course.


Statistically it is the other way around. I found a stat that said 61% of cheating husbands are still married, while only 44% of cheating women are still married. 

I think there are a couple reasons for this. 

For men I think sex is the main driver for the affair, so they are more likely to just break off the affair and go back home to the wife if they are willing. While women tend to get more emotionally attached and I suspect they are more likely to leave the BH and try to stay with the AP.

Then there is the physical act of sex. Now this is coming from a man's point of view and women may see it differently, but the idea of my wife allowing another man to penetrate her or take him in her mouth and ejaculate inside her are just gut wrenching visions. Same with thinking about another man moving my wife into various positions and bringing her to orgasm. I almost feel sick just writing this. I'm sure a wife may have similar thoughts about her husband with another woman, but it just isn't the same. I think it is harder for a man to get past these thoughts than a woman. Although I could be totally wrong.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

You often get what you tolerate, and you just basically gave your wife tacit approval to betray you, knowing that your first instinct is to give a blanket forgiveness.

Not saying she’s going to cheat on you (she probably won’t) - but you probably reduced her respect for you to some degree by showing her that the standards and expectations you have as a man, and what you would and wouldn’t be willing tolerate, aren’t as strong as she thought.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

DudeInProgress said:


> Not saying she’s going to cheat on you (she probably won’t) - but you probably reduced her respect for you to some degree by showing her that the standards and expectations you have as a man, and what you would and wouldn’t be willing tolerate, aren’t as strong as she thought.


You equate not tolerating an affair with strength. 

I can equate forgiveness of an affair with strength. Or, more precisely, I equate doing what you personally feel is necessary as strong, whichever way you choose. Reconciling with a spouse is in many ways more work than leaving them.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Cletus said:


> You equate not tolerating an affair with strength.
> 
> I can equate forgiveness of an affair with strength. Or, more precisely, I equate doing what you personally feel is necessary as strong, whichever way you choose. Reconciling with a spouse is in many ways more work than leaving them.


Yes, having strong boundaries is strength.

That said, I’m not saying forgiveness and reconciliation is weak, it would be situational and depend on the circumstances. 
I can’t say for certain I’d never allow reconciliation if my wife had an affair - but the circumstances would be few and her efforts would need to be Herculean for that to happen.

But the willingness to offer a preemptive, blanket forgiveness of a horrible transgression is not strength, it’s the opposite. I think it indicates neediness, over-investment, and a lack of self respect and strong boundaries.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Not making a decision is an easy way out. Most who stay in these things are conflict avoidant from what I’ve seen/witnessed. I’m stronger because I stayed and ate the **** sandwich I was served?

True reconciliations are rare. Most are just rugsweeps.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

If there’s one thing I’ve learned on tam is that until it happens nobody really knows how they will react to a partner cheating.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Statistically it is the other way around. I found a stat that said 61% of cheating husbands are still married, while only 44% of cheating women are still married.
> 
> I think there are a couple reasons for this.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I don't get all the I'd forgive her w/o question nonsense. 

First there would be the guy getting an ass whipping followed by her sh!t being put on the curb. 

What follows, follows.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

I divorced. I just can't be involved in a committed relationship with someone I can't trust. I could forgive but just couldn't continue with the relationship.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Recently, my wife and I discussed another couple whose marriage went kaput because of an affair. I told her that if she strayed, I would forgive her. Granted, it would be difficult, but we're "only human, born to make mistakes," as the song told us. We are married 27 years, after all, and still love each other ... She paused, and said she didn't know if she could forgive me if I strayed. I was surprised. Just wondered what the TAM community thought of our conversation: Me willing to forgive and move on, she being not so sure.
> 
> guess this could also be in the infidelity section


So if she F'd your brother you'd be fine with it?
Your best friend?
Your boss?


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

I've already had one marriage end with a cheating wife. I never even really thought about that scenario until it happened to me. Not that I ever thought she wasn't capable of it, but it just seemed foreign to me. You can't have a marriage without mutual respect. And once that respect is gone, so is your marriage. I couldn't respect her nor myself if I stayed.

I told my now wife early in the relationship that if she ever cheated it was over. Having been through it once is enough. I wouldn't even have a second thought. 

I don't know how anyone can sleep peacefully next to a backstabber. I don't think OP would be as forgiving as he thinks.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

For me no circumstance could excuse and it would be full scorched earth.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> I think neither of us would easily forgive a clandestine affair, but it would depend on the circumstances. Neither of us wants to know if the other has an affair and it eventually ends without discovery. Both of us have (and would) give each other permission/approval to have sex or a polyamorous relationship with someone else, so there is no reason to have a clandestine affair. I suppose if one of us strongly disapproved of their proposed person, there _could_ be motivation to hide it, but it would take _huge_ effort to actually do so. And neither of are willing to risk what we have for some temporary fun.


Can we quote your husband on all that?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

jjj858 said:


> For me no circumstance could excuse and it would be full scorched earth.


You and me both. Burn it all down and rebuild on untainted earth. 

Some say drunk ONS ok....NOT! the alcohol just removed the inhibitions so they just did what they wanted to do in the 1st place.

I would forgive but in the sense that it made me realize she was not my soul mate and i was mistaken. The infidelity just freed me to go find my soul mate...she is still out there looking for me.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Noman said:


> Can we quote your husband on all that?


I don't have a husband.


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## 351147 (Sep 2, 2021)

I'm not sure if either of us would forgive each other, maybe but it's hard to say. My wife has said to me she doesn't believe in divorce. She feels that marriage is a until death do you part. But if there was an affair, not sure if that would still be the case. I don't think she would leave me, but things would never be the same. 

My wife once said if you cheat, there's a problem in the marriage that you never discussed. I see her point, and not that I would ever cheat, there are sometimes I find it hard to talk to my wife about our problems because I feel like I'm hitting a brick wall. But to get to the point of me ever thinking about straying, I would hope that I at least talked to her about how I feel before giving up hope on the marriage.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Pip’sJourney said:


> I guess it depends on the affair. Is it an emotional one.. a physical one? I understand that she is not sure and there would be many details that would determine forgiveness.


We were talking physical affair.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I think more men forgive women than vice versa? Just my hunch of course.


My guess is that you are correct. I've never given her cause. Nor has she. But it was an interesting discussion


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

VladDracul said:


> I think you we trying to blow smoke at your old lady trying to show her what an outstanding and understanding guy you are. What you didn't count on is she's been married to you for decades and knows your full of shyt. She let you know in a hurry that her thoughts and what she'll put up with don't jive with your attempt to lead her to a response you wanted to hear. She's smarter than you Dawg. Get over it.


Um, not sure why you're so nasty, but I'll cut you some slack. That's really how I'd handle the situation, you may not believe it, but it is. I'm not full of shyt, either. It's not what I wanted to hear. or not hear. it's called "conversation." that's what adults do. Time for you to move out of mom's basement.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

I've been married for 34+ years and I think if it was just a ONS kind of perfect storm so to say. I think it would be hard but I could do that. I could not forgive a long term affair over a period of time. I know some say they could forgive an EA but not a PA. As I said I could I think forgive a ONS even if it was physical one time realized it was wrong. I personally would have trouble with an EA just because of the time and the effort and the feeling that goes into a EA to me its more emotional than a ONS physical one. jmo


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I would never make a blanket statement like that. There may be some circumstances that you would be willing to forgive her for, but I bet there are some that you wouldn't. A drunk ONS, maybe. What about a 6 month affair that you find out about because you got an STD from her? Would you forgive that? What about an affair with your best friend and they've been doing it in your bed? Worse yet, you catch them in the act? Or like the @VintageRetro situation where the WW had sex multiple times with AP, broke it off, but caught an STD, took care of it while hiding it from her H and he found out about the affair from a 3rd party months after it had ended. Are you really willing to forgive and stay with her under all circumstances? Even if you can get over the sex, can you get over all the lies told straight to your face from the one person in your life that you gifted with your unwavering trust? The putting her pleasure over her love and caring for you and the sanctity of your marriage? For me, those are all unforgivable.
> 
> I've told my wife that an affair is the end of our marriage, period. She is the only woman I've been with sexually and the only one I ever want to be with and I expect her to be exclusive to me. Her having sex or even an EA with another person when we've made the most sacred commitment to each other is really unforgivable. That said, I will admit that their could be a scenario that results in me forgiving her, but for the life of me I can't think of any. Every time I come up with a scenario where I think, "well maybe...", it quickly turns to "nope." I believe my wife feels the same way, but I'm not so sure. She had one LTR before we met. Although she never had a smoking gun, she had plenty of circumstantial evidence that he cheated on her more than once. Yet, she still did some pretty stupid things to try to stay with him. That was 34 years ago and she was only 19. Obviously she has grown a lot since then. Even so, I believe there is a chance she would try to forgive me. It is just who she is and how she loves. We don't ever have to worry about that though. I am fully committed to her being my one and only.


Phew, lotta what ifs here, Big Daddy. We were talking about the one-night stand variety. But you make some very valid points. thanks for weighing in. i'm not sure how it would be if a long-term affair, or STDS, as you mention. Ya, an STD would weigh heavy, no doubt.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

DudeInProgress said:


> You often get what you tolerate, and you just basically gave your wife tacit approval to betray you, knowing that your first instinct is to give a blanket forgiveness.
> 
> Not saying she’s going to cheat on you (she probably won’t) - but you probably reduced her respect for you to some degree by showing her that the standards and expectations you have as a man, and what you would and wouldn’t be willing tolerate, aren’t as strong as she thought.


Sheesh. We were just talking. Neither one of us has strayed, both very happy in current situation. There's no respect issues in our house. We both respect the other.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Cletus said:


> You equate not tolerating an affair with strength.
> 
> I can equate forgiveness of an affair with strength. Or, more precisely, I equate doing what you personally feel is necessary as strong, whichever way you choose. Reconciling with a spouse is in many ways more work than leaving them.


I don't equate anything with it. Sheesh, I only shared this conversation we had to get people thinking. That's it. No hidden agenda.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

One Eighty said:


> I think if anyone says they know how they would react to the revelation of an affair, before the revelation, is kidding themselves. No one knows for sure until faced with it. You can't.
> 
> My ex-W was carrying on in a suspicious way with another man via text. I knew FOR SURE if I found out they were having an affair I would dump her immediately. No doubt about it. I thought I might even get violent with her.
> 
> ...


One never knows. True. Again, I plead to the ladies and gentlemen of the TAM jury, it was just a conversation we had one night. There was some alcohol involved and we had watched a movie that had a cheating element. So it came up in the conversation. Sorry you had to go through that. Seriously.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

HappilyMarried1 said:


> I've been married for 34+ years and I think if it was just a ONS kind of perfect storm so to say. I think it would be hard but I could do that. I could not forgive a long term affair over a period of time. I know some say they could forgive an EA but not a PA. As I said I could I think forgive a ONS even if it was physical one time realized it was wrong. I personally would have trouble with an EA just because of the time and the effort and the feeling that goes into a EA to me its more emotional than a ONS physical one. jmo


Thanks for weighing it. And for not judging my post or me.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

NJHubby47 said:


> I'm not sure if either of us would forgive each other, maybe but it's hard to say. My wife has said to me she doesn't believe in divorce. She feels that marriage is a until death do you part. But if there was an affair, not sure if that would still be the case. I don't think she would leave me, but things would never be the same.
> 
> My wife once said if you cheat, there's a problem in the marriage that you never discussed. I see her point, and not that I would ever cheat, there are sometimes I find it hard to talk to my wife about our problems because I feel like I'm hitting a brick wall. But to get to the point of me ever thinking about straying, I would hope that I at least talked to her about how I feel before giving up hope on the marriage.


Good, thoughtful reply. thanks for weighing in. Neither has strayed and nobody plans to. However, being human and all, sometimes you wonder what you would do if that situation took place for your spouse.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Longtime Hubby said:


> I don't equate anything with it. Sheesh, I only shared this conversation we had to get people thinking. That's it. No hidden agenda.


That reply was to another poster. I didn't accuse you of any agenda.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Andy1001 said:


> If there’s one thing I’ve learned on tam is that until it happens nobody really knows how they will react to a partner cheating.





sideways said:


> So if she F'd your brother you'd be fine with it?
> Your best friend?
> Your boss?


We were talking about a one-night stand with someone we met a a party or bar. She wouldn't sleep with my best friend, don't have a brother, and I am self-employed. So those questions I can't answer.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> If there’s one thing I’ve learned on tam is that until it happens nobody really knows how they will react to a partner cheating.


another thing, as you age, somethings no longer bother you as much as they did when young. Jealousy is one of them for me.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Talker67 said:


> another thing, as you age, somethings no longer bother you as much as they did when young. Jealousy is one of them for me.


Very good point. You are a voice of reason.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

If my wife had an affair, my first question would be "Why?"

I would not immediately assume the answer was "because she's a ****ty human". I would want to know how we had failed together to build a relationship that was fulfilling enough to make the alternatives look poor by comparison. Sometimes infidelity is the disease, and sometimes it's only the symptom.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> I don't have a husband.


Your wife, then.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Maybe I'm not a tolerant human being, but I could probably never forgive infidelity if I ever remarried. When my XH cheated, it decimated my sense of trust in others and really screwed with my self worth. But what I can't forgive is how it upended my son's life when he was the innocent in the situation. I don't think I would ever forgive a hypothetical future partner for betraying me. I think what OP is thinking of is just a hypothetical and like others who have actually been through it are fully aware how it completely changes you as a person and how you view the world. I am very grateful to a select few friends and my family and the nice folks on TAM for helping me weather the worst of it. But I think what you don't realize perhaps OP is how utterly it changes and reshapes who you are when the person you think you are building a future with and who you can trust most in the world betrays you. I truly hope you never have to find out if you would actually forgive her or not.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Noman said:


> Your wife, then.


You could quote her, I'm sure. We've discussed this extensively numerous times over the past 21 years. We've both had short and long term lovers and relationships in addition to our relationship, so it was important to ensure we weren't taking things beyond what we could handle gracefully. We revisit the topic periodically to be sure we stay in agreement, even if we not seeing anyone at the moment.


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## Willnotbill (May 13, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Recently, my wife and I discussed another couple whose marriage went kaput because of an affair. I told her that if she strayed, I would forgive her. Granted, it would be difficult, but we're "only human, born to make mistakes," as the song told us. We are married 27 years, after all, and still love each other ... She paused, and said she didn't know if she could forgive me if I strayed. I was surprised. Just wondered what the TAM community thought of our conversation: Me willing to forgive and move on, she being not so sure.
> 
> guess this could also be in the infidelity section


I'm sorry but an affair or infidelity is not a mistake. Its a choice and a very bad one at that. When the cheating spouse says "It was mistake," "I don't know why I did it," it's a lie. People choose to cheat for the temptation of something new or different, the sex, or simply because they want to be with someone else.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I’d struggle to forgive an emotional affair. I mean, to me that’s the courting phase, the nicest phase. The time you get to know someone, show your best and look forward to future contact. The time before you have sex. When you like someone and can’t wait to hear from them again. A ONS I could probably forgive. 

But my husband would kill me if I even had a male friend, affair, whatever. Fair enough. I value my life and value him enough not seek other men anyway.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Would I forgive her if she cheated.
Forgive maybe, forget, never, stay married, nope.

Then again....

a) If it were post apostolic, the _End Time_s, maybe. 
b) If there were a few random men scattered about the Earth and she was the last VJ standing, maybe.

Naw, forget it.


_Harken Orion-_


----------



## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Cletus said:


> If my wife had an affair, my first question would be "Why?"
> 
> I would not immediately assume the answer was "because she's a ****ty human". I would want to know how we had failed together to build a relationship that was fulfilling enough to make the alternatives look poor by comparison. Sometimes infidelity is the disease, and sometimes it's only the symptom.


Exactly


Willnotbill said:


> I'm sorry but an affair or infidelity is not a mistake. Its a choice and a very bad one at that. When the cheating spouse says "It was mistake," "I don't know why I did it," it's a lie. People choose to cheat for the temptation of something new or different, the sex, or simply because they want to be with someone else.


or maybe a weak moment?


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Recently, my wife and I discussed another couple whose marriage went kaput because of an affair. I told her that if she strayed, I would forgive her. Granted, it would be difficult, but we're "only human, born to make mistakes," as the song told us. We are married 27 years, after all, and still love each other ... She paused, and said she didn't know if she could forgive me if I strayed. I was surprised. Just wondered what the TAM community thought of our conversation: Me willing to forgive and move on, she being not so sure.
> 
> guess this could also be in the infidelity section


You are both individual people, why should you think the same? Most people if they have any sense would not forgive but divorce and move on. Then again it depends on the nature of the affair. I am surprised that you think she should think the same way you do on this subject.


----------



## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

aine said:


> You are both individual people, why should you think the same? Most people if they have any sense would not forgive but divorce and move on. Then again it depends on the nature of the affair. I am surprised that you think she should think the same way you do on this subject.


I don’t think she should think the same way. I was just surprised by her reply.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I think more men forgive women than vice versa? Just my hunch of course.


I do not agree, more women stay in marriages and 'forgive' than men because they are concerned about kids, lack of finances, many are stuck and cannot get out. Not the same for men. In fact you do a quick bit of research you will find that to be the case.


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Um, not sure why you're so nasty, but I'll cut you some slack. That's really how I'd handle the situation, you may not believe it, but it is. I'm not full of shyt, either. It's not what I wanted to hear. or not hear. it's called "conversation." that's what adults do. Time for you to move out of mom's basement.


Come on Dawg, you made what you thought was a "high road" statement that you would forgive is she cheated because everybody's human. She has a different attitude about cheating and youre shocked. You simply wanted her to follow your lead. Your woman is not a outlier. Many women ain't gonna put up a man cheating. You nail in your next to last sentence--youre willing to forgive and move on, she's gonna hold your feet to the fire if you come home with the smell of another woman.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

VladDracul said:


> Come on Dawg, you made what you thought was a "high road" statement that you would forgive is she cheated because everybody's human. She has a different attitude about cheating and youre shocked. You simply wanted her to follow your lead. Your woman is not a outlier. Many women ain't gonna put up a man cheating. You nail in your next to last sentence--youre willing to forgive and move on, she's gonna hold your feet to the fire if you come home with the smell of another woman.


No shocked. Quit making stuff up, Pooch


----------



## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> You could quote her, I'm sure. We've discussed this extensively numerous times over the past 21 years. We've both had short and long term lovers and relationships in addition to our relationship, so it was important to ensure we weren't taking things beyond what we could handle gracefully. We revisit the topic periodically to be sure we stay in agreement, even if we not seeing anyone at the moment.


@Married but Happy, I had _no _idea_._ I am impressed and salute you both, sir!


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Recently, my wife and I discussed another couple whose marriage went kaput because of an affair. I told her that if she strayed, I would forgive her. Granted, it would be difficult, but we're "only human, born to make mistakes," as the song told us. We are married 27 years, after all, and still love each other ... She paused, and said she didn't know if she could forgive me if I strayed. I was surprised. Just wondered what the TAM community thought of our conversation: Me willing to forgive and move on, she being not so sure.
> 
> guess this could also be in the infidelity section


A while ago my wife told me that she would forgive me if I cheat. I don't remember the context of this discussion. I know this is true and I believe her. I never gave her any reason to doubt my faithfulness to her. 

However, I would never be able to forgive her if she cheated or even flirt with anyone. This would certainly destroy my love for her. Again, she has been fully faithful to me our entire marriage.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Shocked. Maybe not. Disappointed, What it sounds like. If it hadn't of rattled your cage you wouldn't be on here hoping somebody will assuage you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

romantic_dreamer said:


> A while ago my wife told me that she would forgive me if I cheat. I don't remember the context of this discussion. I know this is true and I believe her. I never gave her any reason to doubt my faithfulness to her.
> 
> However, I would never be able to forgive her if she cheated or even flirt with anyone. This would certainly destroy my love for her. Again, she has been fully faithful to me our entire marriage.


Just-a-thought.

This tells me (and maybe others) that she may have strayed in the past.
For her, not to forgive, would make her a hypocrite.

It also could mean that she suspects you of cheating and is giving you the opportunity of a pass, if you confess. 

Uh, don't believe her!


_Lilith-_


----------



## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Recently, my wife and I discussed another couple whose marriage went kaput because of an affair. I told her that if she strayed, I would forgive her. Granted, it would be difficult, but we're "only human, born to make mistakes," as the song told us. We are married 27 years, after all, and still love each other ... She paused, and said she didn't know if she could forgive me if I strayed. I was surprised. Just wondered what the TAM community thought of our conversation: Me willing to forgive and move on, she being not so sure.
> 
> guess this could also be in the infidelity section


I would not be able to forgive and I would not allow him to stay, just as I would not stay even if he wanted me to stay if I cheated. I do not believe is cheating and then staying.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Not surprising. Some can and some can’t. Some find out they don’t do what they think they would when it happens.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Longtime Hubby said:


> ....I told her that i*f she strayed, I would forgive her*. Granted, it would be difficult, but we're "only human, born to make mistakes," as the song told us. We are married 27 years, after all, and still love each other ... She paused, and said she didn't know if she could forgive me if I strayed. I was surprised. Just wondered what the TAM community thought of our conversation: Me willing to forgive and move on, she being not so sure.


I think it means what "strayed" means. If she went to a bachelorete party and fondled a mail stripper, I would probably forgive her. If she had full unprotected intercourse with a co-worker, I probably would never forgive her. If she had a multi-month emotional affair with someone she "loved," I would probably not forgive her.

That doesn't mean I wouldn't continue to love my wife and the woman who blessed my life with two children. It just means that I could never let my guard down around her to be vulnerable and intimate with her again.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> If she went to a bachelorete party and fondled a mail stripper, I would probably forgive her.


Hey, I'd want _video_ of that!


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

VladDracul said:


> Shocked. Maybe not. Disappointed, What it sounds like. If it hadn't of rattled your cage you wouldn't be on here hoping somebody will assuage you.


Had to get the dictionary for "assuage." Which is to "lessen the intensity." Look, I'm not here to be analyzed, Doc. I just tossed out a conversation to gather opinions. That' it. Thanks for your input


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

SunCMars said:


> Just-a-thought.
> 
> This tells me (and maybe others) that she may have strayed in the past.
> For her, not to forgive, would make her a hypocrite.
> ...


Great advice. Thanks.


----------



## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> Just-a-thought.
> 
> This tells me (and maybe others) that she may have strayed in the past.
> For her, not to forgive, would make her a hypocrite.
> ...


Good point. She may be willing to forgive it because she knows it’s something she’s done herself.

If my wife told me she had cheated on me and wanted forgiveness and to stay together, I’d say ok sure, after I screw someone else to even the score. You don’t get to sample someone else’s wares and then expect me not to also.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

jjj858 said:


> Good point. She may be willing to forgive it because she knows it’s something she’s done herself.
> 
> If my wife told me she had cheated on me and wanted forgiveness and to stay together, I’d say ok sure, after I screw someone else to even the score. You don’t get to sample someone else’s wares and then expect me not to also.


Yeah, good point. I think I'd have to "even the score" as well.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I haven't read all 4 pages of responses. 

Let's not confuse forgiveness with staying in the marriage and continuing to engage in a happy and healthy married life. 

Forgiveness is letting go of the anger and resentment and not holding it over the other person and going on about your life. 

It does not necessarily mean that everything will be hunky dory and you continue to live a normal married life of happily ever after. 

Could I forgive my wife if i find out she is cheating? Actually, I probably could accept it and accept that our marriage isn't meant to be and I could probably not harbor all that much resentment and bitterness and anger towards her and I wouldn't treat her badly or with animosity. 

I would be sad and bummed that the final nails were pounded into the coffin of our marriage. But I wouldn't hold on to anger and animosity. 

And I wouldn't remain married to her or devote my life to her in anyway. I would take her affair as my signal to exit stage-left and go on about my life without her in it anymore, including without continued anger, resentment, animosity, bad blood etc. 

Forgiveness is about not letting someone else's actions fill you with anger and resentment etc. But it doesn't necessarily mean that you remain with that person.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Yeah, good point. I think I'd have to "even the score" as well.


Was with you right up til there.

Two people breaking trust isn't going to make things better.

I may or may not be able to forgive my husband. We've been married 27 years so I'd have to consider it. But I would never lower my own value and that I assign to marriage by then making some vengful action that is not within MY defined marriage boundaries. If I view having sex with others a boundary not to be crossed for marriage I wouldn't then cross it. May as well just divorce.

If a marriage continues after an affair or other devestating event like addition, it should be for the purpose on making a better marriage otherwise what is the point let's build a house of misery?


----------



## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

It's a zero sum game for both my wife and me. We both have made it crystal clear that it would bring an abrupt end to the marriage.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Yeah, good point. I think I'd have to "even the score" as well.


I'm not trying to go all Bhudda or Dali Lama here but "evening the score" is not an act of acceptance or a step towards reconciliation or forgiveness etc etc

it is an act of vengeance and aggression and abuse. It's intent is to hurt and inflict pain and suffering upon the other. 

It's like trying to smother a fire by dousing it in gasoline. 

I get it, people are angry and want retribution and some even admit to wanting revenge for the pain they have incurred. But in the end the net effect is that more pain and anguish and bad blood are brought into the situation. 

And most often the one who has had the revenge affair is the one that feels the most disgust and dirty. 

A revenge affair is not an act of forgiveness or "getting over" what happened. Nor is it an act of reconciliation or of trying to mend and continue to the marriage. 

And rarely does it ever soothe the bruised ego and often is the opposite and makes one feel worse. 

In the end it has no beneficial or therapeutic value. It is just an act of vengeance that brings more bad blood and bitterness and animosity into the situation. It aids in neither remaining together or moving on peacefully.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> I'm not trying to go all Bhudda or Dali Lama here but "evening the score" is not an act of acceptance or a step towards reconciliation or forgiveness etc etc
> 
> it is an act of vengeance and aggression and abuse. It's intent is to hurt and inflict pain and suffering upon the other.
> 
> ...


😄 You and I very rarely agree but I see we share this wisdom.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

jjj858 said:


> I’d say ok sure, after I screw someone else to even the score. You don’t get to sample someone else’s wares and then expect me not to also.





Longtime Hubby said:


> Yeah, good point. I think I'd have to "even the score" as well.


Revenge affairs don't help. All they do is add more problems to an already overflowing plate, and leave the BS feeling like **** eventually. The BS feels bad enough already, no need to tack on self-inflicted pain and thoughts. 

Been there, done that. 

And honestly, chances are you will never feel like you've evened the score.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Pip’sJourney said:


> I guess it depends on the affair. Is it an emotional one.. a physical one? I understand that she is not sure and there would be many details that would determine forgiveness.


This isn’t the question. It was basically that he would forgive his wife but she wouldn’t forgive him. Pretty simple, Longtime Hubby loves his wife unconditionally and his wife doesn’t love him the same.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

At least your wife know that she has a free hall pass to use and you won’t leave her. She must be overwhelmed with your understanding of the situation. 

Of course we are all human and make mistakes. Having a one night stand is a choice not a mistake. It’s the choice to say FU to your SO and **** someone else. 

Your wife has it right. She would be wise to call it quits and find someone that hadn’t made the choice to step out of the marriage.


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

ABHale said:


> This isn’t the question. It was basically that he would forgive his wife but she wouldn’t forgive him. Pretty simple, Longtime Hubby loves his wife unconditionally and his wife doesn’t love him the same.


I took it as.. how would we feel? how would we react to that question? Would we have the same response as either of them? 

We are all different in what we will actually deal with and what we can forgive. Many on here say they stay because of the children..and as others have said... if it were a one night stand.

I suppose that our reaction to her response could also be the question.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Was with you right up til there.
> 
> Two people breaking trust isn't going to make things better.
> 
> ...


all speculation as neither has strayed. On second thought, evening the score would probably not be the best of ideas. Rather, working together is.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

ABHale said:


> At least your wife know that she has a free hall pass to use and you won’t leave her. She must be overwhelmed with your understanding of the situation.
> 
> Of course we are all human and make mistakes. Having a one night stand is a choice not a mistake. It’s the choice to say FU to your SO and **** someone else.
> 
> Your wife has it right. She would be wise to call it quits and find someone that hadn’t made the choice to step out of the marriage.


Actually, we don't know what my wife's response is other than she's not sure she could forgive. In none of our discussion did we "call it quits." All speculative conversation between two of us.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

ABHale said:


> This isn’t the question. It was basically that he would forgive his wife but she wouldn’t forgive him. Pretty simple, Longtime Hubby loves his wife unconditionally and his wife doesn’t love him the same.


She does profess her love. I don't doubt that. But perhaps it is a little different?


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> I'm not trying to go all Bhudda or Dali Lama here but "evening the score" is not an act of acceptance or a step towards reconciliation or forgiveness etc etc
> 
> it is an act of vengeance and aggression and abuse. It's intent is to hurt and inflict pain and suffering upon the other.
> 
> ...


smarter to work on things than even. thanks, Dali (LOL)


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Actually, we don't know what my wife's response is other than she's not sure she could forgive. In none of our discussion did we "call it quits." All speculative conversation between two of us.


Just referring to you saying we are all human and make mistakes. 

Stepping out side the marriage to have sex with someone else is a choice not a mistake.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Actually, we don't know what my wife's response is other than she's not sure she could forgive. In none of our discussion did we "call it quits." All speculative conversation between two of us.


Actually if someone can’t forgive a spouse for cheating on them it is the death of the relationship. So your wife saying she doesn’t think she could forgive is just putting it nicely. 

Just going with what you have said. 

I am aware that most of what I posted wasn’t in the conversation you had with your wife. 

The stance you have taken about automatically forgive her for cheating is a from a position of weakness. 

Ask your wife if you caught her cheating and you said “It’s ok I love you and will forgive you” if she would think you were weak. 

Many of men have lost the battle for their wife by playing the pick me game.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

ABHale said:


> Just referring to you saying we are all human and make mistakes.
> 
> Stepping out side the marriage to have sex with someone else is a choice not a mistake.


Well ... what about the fact that a choice can sometimes turn out to be a mistake? Is there no room for that in your world? There is in mine. Choice/mistake/whatever. I would forgive. Be hard, but I would.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

ABHale said:


> Actually if someone can’t forgive a spouse for cheating on them it is the death of the relationship. So your wife saying she doesn’t think she could forgive is just putting it nicely.
> 
> Just going with what you have said.
> 
> ...


The pick me game?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Well ... what about the fact that a choice can sometimes turn out to be a mistake? Is there no room for that in your world? There is in mine. Choice/mistake/whatever. I would forgive. Be hard, but I would.


Spouse meets someone they just can’t resist and they begin an affair. The NRE/sex has the now wayward spouse “feeling alive again” after years in a committed, monogamous marriage. It goes on for a week, a month, or a year — doesn’t matter. Whether by conscious choice or life circumstances, the affair comes to an end. The other spouse never discovers that he or she is/has been a betrayed spouse.

Was it “a mistake” or a series of deliberate choices?

Now flip the script — the affair is discovered by the BS, and the fallout begins.

Same question.

So is it the discovery that suddenly makes an affair “a mistake” instead of some kind of rejuvenating experience?

If either sunlight or truth kills a thing, it deserves to be killed.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Well ... what about the fact that a choice can sometimes turn out to be a mistake? Is there no room for that in your world? There is in mine. Choice/mistake/whatever. I would forgive. Be hard, but I would.


There is no room in any world. You have all the right in the world to forgive your wife if she makes the decision to have a one night stand. It doesn’t make it a mistake. 2+2=5 is a mistake. Having a one night stand is a choice.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

ABHale said:


> There is no room in any world. You have all the right in the world to forgive your wife if she makes the decision to have a one night stand. It doesn’t make it a mistake. 2+2=5 is a mistake. Having a one night stand is a choice.


Whatever. Sheesh. Bottom line is if you think your marriage is worth saving, you forgive.If you can't save it, you move on. Okay? .. BTW, I still enjoy watching "Gilligan's Island." Nice Skipper reference in name.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Many people think they will act one way until it happens and then they act another. I did that. I was positive that I would divorce my husband without a second thought if he cheated. But when he did, I stayed for all sorts of reasons that surprised me. The second time it happened I saw the futility of that and got out. I don’t recommend reconciliation, because my experience has made me a huge cynic, but a few here have succeeded after a lot of effort. Most (IMO) don’t.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Whatever. Sheesh. Bottom line is if you think your marriage is worth saving, you forgive.If you can't save it, you move on. Okay? .. BTW, I still enjoy watching "Gilligan's Island." Nice Skipper reference in name.


I loved Gilligan’s Island.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Whatever. Sheesh. Bottom line is if you think your marriage is worth saving, you forgive.If you can't save it, you move on. Okay? .. BTW, I still enjoy watching "Gilligan's Island." Nice Skipper reference in name.


Forgiveness and divorce aren’t mutually exclusive concepts.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

GusPolinski said:


> Forgiveness and divorce aren’t mutually exclusive concepts.


No they are not.

One can forgive and divorce. 

And one can remain married and never forgive.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> No they are not.
> 
> One can forgive and divorce.
> 
> And one can remain married and never forgive.


Yuuuuup.

Happens a lot.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

ABHale said:


> Just referring to you saying we are all human and make mistakes.
> 
> Stepping out side the marriage to have sex with someone else is a choice not a mistake.


People sometimes make bad choices. Those are mistakes.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> People sometimes make bad choices. Those are mistakes.


It is a choice that they make. They don’t call it a mistake until they are caught or guilt leads them to confess. Them calling it a mistake is to minimize what they actually did. Like saying it’s only sex they meant nothing to me.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Mistake - an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.

So you’re saying that it is a mistake because the cheater is mentally challenged? 

That the cheater is insufficient in the knowledge of their actions? That they don’t know they chose to have sex with someone else?

That a cheater is so careless that they fell is bed with another person and just started ****ing them? Oops sorry didn’t mean to do that. 

That there judgement is impaired to the point that they don’t know right from wrong?

That their reasoning is impaired so they can’t make sound decisions. 

If these conditions were in every aspect of the cheater’s life, it could be a mistake. I have yet to see a story where the cheater lacked in any of this areas except once. The girl had no clue how to function in a relationship or life. It has been years ago since she posted about her marriage problems. 

Intelligent mentally sound people make a choice to cheat on their SO. They cheat because that is what they want to do at that time. It is a choice they may regret later, it was still a choice.


----------



## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

ABHale said:


> It is a choice that they make. They don’t call it a mistake until they are caught or guilt leads them to confess. Them calling it a mistake is to minimize what they actually did. Like saying it’s only sex they meant nothing to me.


“You say tomato, I say tomahto, you say potato, I say potahto. Tomato tomahto potato potahto, let’s call the whole thing off” …. Like the old song suggests, I’m done here. Time to move on.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> “You say tomato, I say tomahto, you say potato, I say potahto. Tomato tomahto potato potahto, let’s call the whole thing off” …. Like the old song suggests, I’m done here. Time to move on.


It is a bit of semantics, but it is a valid point. 

Mistake vs. poor choice has to do with intent. A mistake is unintentional while a choice is deliberate. Buying the wrong candy bar is a mistake, stealing the candy bar is a poor choice. So, a cheater makes poor choices to engage in everything that lead to the affair, the affair it self and all the lying required to hide it. The mistake is thinking they could get away with it, that their spouse will never know, maybe even that it won't hurt anyone.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Well ... what about the fact that a choice can sometimes turn out to be a mistake? Is there no room for that in your world? There is in mine. Choice/mistake/whatever. I would forgive. Be hard, but I would.


Something you do that you know is wrong is not a mistake. 

But Judge, it was a mistake. I only want scare him off by shooting at him. I did not mean for him to die as a result of his multiple gun shot wounds. I just made a mistake!!!


----------



## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> Something you do that you know is wrong is not a mistake.
> 
> But Judge, it was a mistake. I only want scare him off by shooting at him. I did not mean for him to die as a result of his multiple gun shot wounds. I just made a mistake!!!


There is reality of; at the convention, after free drinks all night, and two booth bunnies saying let's go to your room, after the MIL has been staying with H and W for two weeks, causing rifts, and either sex can go why not. Mistake yes.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

ABHale said:


> It is a choice that they make. They don’t call it a mistake until they are caught or guilt leads them to confess. Them calling it a mistake is to minimize what they actually did. Like saying it’s only sex they meant nothing to me.


We'll have to agree to disagree, as I don't thing your view is always the case.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

CountryMike said:


> There is reality of; at the convention, after free drinks all night, and two booth bunnies saying let's go to your room, after the MIL has been staying with H and W for two weeks, causing rifts, and either sex can go why not. Mistake yes.


No... Choice.....Wrong choice.....but an intentive choice none the less. to commit adultry. Drinks only take away inhibitions of what you really wanted to do in first place


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> Something you do that you know is wrong is not a mistake.
> 
> But Judge, it was a mistake. I only want scare him off by shooting at him. I did not mean for him to die as a result of his multiple gun shot wounds. I just made a mistake!!!
> [/QUOTE)
> Pretty sure comparing first-degree murder to a one-nigh stand is apples to oranges.


----------



## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> No... Choice.....Wrong choice.....but an intentive choice none the less. to commit adultry. Drinks only take away inhibitions of what you really wanted to do in first place


so we can't forgive someone and move on?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> so we can't forgive someone and move on?


Of course we can. That is the up to the the person doing the forgiving. You can forgive anything you choose. The issue is without consequences you can expect the behavior to repeat.


----------



## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Of course we can. That is the up to the the person doing the forgiving. You can forgive anything you choose. The issue is without consequences you can expect the behavior to repeat.





BigDaddyNY said:


> Of course we can. That is the up to the the person doing the forgiving. You can forgive anything you choose. The issue is without consequences you can expect the behavior to repeat.


I know people who've been through this when the behavior you talk of did not repeat. Hoping I don't have to make this decision one day. Don't think I will. Again - as i said way back when - this was a speculative conversation after watching a movie in which infidelity was part of the plot.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> I know people who've been through this when the behavior you talk of did not repeat. Hoping I don't have to make this decision one day. Don't think I will. Again - as i said way back when - this was a speculative conversation after watching a movie in which infidelity was part of the plot.


I truly hope none of us have to make that decision. I would hazard a guess that since you and your wife are able to talk about it and you've been married so long I doubt you have anything to worry about. Nothing to really back that up than a gut feeling. We've had conversations about it pop up thanks to a movie. I actually try not to watch anything with infidelity, it just makes me uncomfortable to see, even a fictional character, get betrayed like that.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I truly hope none of us have to make that decision. I would hazard a guess that since you and your wife are able to talk about it and you've been married so long I doubt you have anything to worry about. Nothing to really back that up than a gut feeling. We've had conversations about it pop up thanks to a movie. I actually try not to watch anything with infidelity, it just makes me uncomfortable to see, even a fictional character, get betrayed like that.


Yeah, I think after 27 years, we should be okay in that department. Our guts do agree ... and some of those movies can be difficult to watch. Like that one with Richard Gere where he accidentally kills his wife's lover, hides the body. I think she was bored, sought excitement, he found out, etc. etc. etc.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Longtime Hubby said:


> so we can't forgive someone and move on?


You can forgive most anything....dont mean there will not be repercussions. I would forgive my ex-wife after a while. 

But saying it was a mistake is minimizing it. It is like saying that fine little thing said she was only 14 but, i made a mistake because she was built like a 26 yr old.

When i was early 20s there was that fine blond that used to go to the club, she was 🔥 and i always thought this girl is 26/27 and way outta my league. One night club closing and going to afterhours poker place that you have to know someone to get it. I asked her if she was heading over there. She said owner will not let her in because she was only 14. This girl looked more mature than my female classmates in their 20s. 

That being told, if i had pursued this girl after knowing she was 14....just like adultry...
It would not be a mistake....it would be a very bad choice.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Yeah, I think after 27 years, we should be okay in that department. Our guts do agree ... and some of those movies can be difficult to watch. Like that one with Richard Gere where he accidentally kills his wife's lover, hides the body. I think she was bored, sought excitement, he found out, etc. etc. etc.


She should have done time for it.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> You can forgive most anything....dont mean there will not be repercussions. I would forgive my ex-wife after a while.
> 
> But saying it was a mistake is minimizing it. It is like saying that fine little thing said she was only 14 but, i made a mistake because she was built like a 26 yr old.
> 
> ...


Okay, okay, okay, i get it already. Folks are not happy with the word "mistake" even though having an affair can be considered a mistake. Quit beat a dead horse. Jesus. I'd forgive her. It would be difficult, but if she had an affair I would focus on saving the marriage. I'm not talking about underage ********. either. My gosh, it's like I'm the President dealing with the White House Press Corps.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> She should have done time for it.


she didn't hit the guy in the head, Gere did


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

This is not a good conversation to have with your SO. The answer should always be "you can start packing your sh!t now", even if there are circumstances where you might consider staying. Anything less comes across as weak at best, and a hall pass at worst.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

OnTheRocks said:


> This is not a good conversation to have with your SO. The answer should always be "you can start packing your sh!t now", even if there are circumstances where you might consider staying. Anything less comes across as weak at best, and a hall pass at worst.


Yeah, I don't see it that way.

It's like the 5th commandment. If the only reason I'm not killing someone is because I have been told not to by someone who can make me regret that choice, then I haven't internalized that morality (sorry, Maslow was a LONG time ago). It is being applied to me, externally, possibly against my wishes. I am behaving no better than a child on his best behavior because mom is looking.

If my partner tells me they could forgive an infidelity, and I use that as an excuse to have an affair, what does that say about my views? Who wants to be married to someone who is only being faithful upon pain of ugly divorce?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Cletus said:


> Yeah, I don't see it that way.
> 
> It's like the 5th commandment. If the only reason I'm not killing someone is because I have been told not to by someone who can make me regret that choice, then I haven't internalized that morality (sorry, Maslow was a LONG time ago). It is being applied to me, externally, possibly against my wishes. I am behaving no better than a child on his best behavior because mom is looking.
> 
> If my partner tells me they could forgive an infidelity, and I use that as an excuse to have an affair, what does that say about my views? Who wants to be married to someone who is only being faithful upon pain of ugly divorce?


And I think you are absolutely oblivious to human nature. 
Yes, internalized morality is important and highly valued, but it’s only half of the equation.

Virtuous behavior is usually driven / reinforced by a combination of positive morality, as well as desire to avoid negative consequences of bad behavior.

if there are no consequences for bad behavior, or serious doubts that they will be enforced, you have only half the equation. 
And most people will be more likely to forget the importance of their positive morality from time to time, especially when there are aggravating circumstances involved.

That’s why weak men get walked on all the time, surely you’ve noticed. 
It’s not JUST that they chose poorly in a partner, they also enabled and fed their partner’s worst tendencies with their weakness and lack of clear boundaries / enforcement.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Longtime Hubby said:


> she didn't hit the guy in the head, Gere did


What they did was the catalyst for what happened. In my book it is no different then if 2 people commit a robbery and clerk kills one of tgem...the other perp does time for friends death. She is the other perp to me.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Statistically it is the other way around. I found a stat that said 61% of cheating husbands are still married, while only 44% of cheating women are still married.
> 
> I think there are a couple reasons for this.
> 
> ...


Yes - those physical acts; thinking about them was the toughest part & even after 9 years still gets my goat a little. Stupidly we tried an open dialogue technique I read about, where for 15 minutes a couple of times a week, I could ask anything. Well, when she was describing the oral, I nearly lost it. Like, hang on, I don't think you ever did that with me in 16 years. Besides all the pain, the lying, the deception and the smiling face of the OM, it's the rejection. Sure, go on and talk about forgiveness, talk all you like bc you never forget; your stuck with the humiliation & shame of it.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Okay, okay, okay, i get it already. Folks are not happy with the word "mistake" even though having an affair can be considered a mistake. Quit beat a dead horse. Jesus. I'd forgive her. It would be difficult, but if she had an affair I would focus on saving the marriage. I'm not talking about underage ******. either. My gosh, it's like I'm the President dealing with the White House Press Corps.


Listen I can appreciate the fact that you feel in your heart that you'd forgive your wife if she had an affair.

That said, forgiveness does NOT always equate to continuing on in the marriage. You've NEVER been in this situation (had your spouse cheated/betrayed you/lied to you countless times) and thus you can't say with 100% certainty how you'd ultimately handle it.

It's easy to think you have a pretty good idea how you'd handle it, however until you're in that situation it's just speculation as you do NOT know what the details would be.

I asked you earlier if your wife cheated on you with your brother, or your best friend or your boss, what would you do? You came back with you were "self-employed", you "don't have a brother" nor would she "cheat with your best friend".

That's just it, you do NOT know the details, you don't think everyone who gets married is confident their spouse wouldn't cheat on them for crying out loud?? If they had doubts why get married.

That's another reason why it's SO painful because you're blindsided by the one person who is supposed to love you, that you trust unconditionally, they have your back, they're honest with you, they have boundaries, and they cherish and value you heart.

So here you sit spouting off that you'd forgive your wife if she ever cheated on you without having any of the circumstances. Sure you could possibly forgive her, but let's say your wife did in fact cheat on you with your best friend and this affair went on for a yr. Let's also say they had sex in your bed. Ok you're still thinking that you'd forgive her and I'm not going to debate that, however what I will question is you can not say with 100% certainty that you would just schluck it off and remain married to her because again until you're actually in that situation you don't know what you would do. You think you do but it's just words.

Also, I think when you say, "my wife would never cheat on me with my best friend", you have to realize that's part of this mind F*!k!!

You don't think others thought the same thing?
"No way she'd cheat on me with my best friend".
"No way she'd cheat on me with our next door neighbor".
"No way she'd cheat on me with her boss".
"No way she'd cheat on me with my sisters husband".
"No way she'd cheat on me with with our sons baseball coach".

And on and on I could go with examples.

I've been there. My first wife cheated on me 28 yrs ago. Totally blindsided and never in a million years would I have thought she was capable of doing this. Real easy for me to say I'd forgive her, and I'd try to make it work, but after it happened, and I considered all the lying and deceit, it was ultimately a deal breaker for me and I walked away. There wasn't ever going to be an attempt at reconciliation. I forgave her but we divorced.

So again for you to sit here spouting off with 100% certainty you'd continue on in your marriage if your wife cheated on you without knowing what the details would be speaks of ignorance (which means you do NOT know). You think you do but you really don't.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> What they did was the catalyst for what happened. In my book it is no different then if 2 people commit a robbery and clerk kills one of tgem...the other perp does time for friends death. She is the other perp to me.


I doubt she would be found guilty or even charged


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

sideways said:


> Listen I can appreciate the fact that you feel in your heart that you'd forgive your wife if she had an affair.
> 
> That said, forgiveness does NOT always equate to continuing on in the marriage. You've NEVER been in this situation (had your spouse cheated/betrayed you/lied to you countless times) and thus you can't say with 100% certainty how you'd ultimately handle it.
> 
> ...


Okay, I'm sorry you got cheated on 28 YEARS AGO. Ever think it may be time to move along? Sheesh. Don't preach at me over one comment. To each their own. Walk a mile in someone's boots. I get it. I'm not spouting off. Once again, it was one freakin conversation we had a few years ago. Speculation. I don't appreciate being crucified by you cuz you don't like my comment. I'm done with this.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Okay, I'm sorry you got cheated on 28 YEARS AGO. Ever think it may be time to move along? Sheesh. Don't preach at me over one comment. To each their own. Walk a mile in someone's boots. I get it. I'm not spouting off. Once again, it was one freakin conversation we had a few years ago. Speculation. I don't appreciate being crucified by you cuz you don't like my comment. I'm done with this.


I let it go 28 yrs ago and have never looked back. Just because I'm calling you out on something you're ignorant about doesn't mean I'm bitter about it. "Crucified"???🤣

Lighten up Francis!!


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

sideways said:


> I let it go 28 yrs ago and have never looked back. Just because I'm calling you out on something you're ignorant about doesn't mean I'm bitter about it. "Crucified"???🤣
> 
> Lighten up Francis!!


Hey, that Francis line is my go-to! LMAO. Don't appreciate being called "ignorant" but that's the card you played. Okay, Pooch, let's move on to new questions we can chat about. Oh, the "crucified" line was because I heard "The Ballad of John and Yoko" recently. Stuck in my noggin.


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## Tom HATES Kerrie & Larry! (Sep 6, 2021)

In the past it would have been a complete deal breaker for me, but having found out about it just 2 weeks ago, I did everything humanly possible to convince her to stay. That had a lot to do with 2 school aged children that I didn't want to totally screw up their lives, but I also just came to the realization that I didn't want to throw away 24 years of faithfulness for a 2 month affair. I told her that we could just start the clock over and that day would be the first day of the rest of our lives, she promptly excused herself to take a shower and sent him naked pictures. At that moment I completely stopped caring anything for her, she's a changed and emotionally damaged person that I'm sad that she'll have a hand in raising my kids.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Tom HATES Kerrie & Larry! said:


> In the past it would have been a complete deal breaker for me, but having found out about it just 2 weeks ago, I did everything humanly possible to convince her to stay. That had a lot to do with 2 school aged children that I didn't want to totally screw up their lives, but I also just came to the realization that I didn't want to throw away 24 years of faithfulness for a 2 month affair. I told her that we could just start the clock over and that day would be the first day of the rest of our lives, she promptly excused herself to take a shower and sent him naked pictures. At that moment I completely stopped caring anything for her, she's a changed and emotionally damaged person that I'm sad that she'll have a hand in raising my kids.


Wow, she did that after you told her that. Amazing. Wish you the best of luck. My friend is raising three sons. His wife decided to get a personal trainer and, well, things got very personal. Judge said my friend gets the kids, not her. He's doing a great job. You will too.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Hey, that Francis line is my go-to! LMAO. Don't appreciate being called "ignorant" but that's the card you played. Okay, Pooch, let's move on to new questions we can chat about. Oh, the "crucified" line was because I heard "The Ballad of John and Yoko" recently. Stuck in my noggin.


We're good. 

All the word ignorance means is not knowing (it doesn't mean stupid). Thus implying that you've never been in the position of having your spouse cheat on you. So you may think you have an idea what you'd do if you were in this position but you never really know for sure until it becomes a reality.

Sorry if I came across too aggressive!


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I’ve suffered a LOT of frustration over the years about sex and in being true to my marital vows. I’m no longer a consumer of porn, nor do I masturbate, nor do even let myself really even look at other women (a few slip ups over the years). In fact, my wife and I have never used any artificial means of birth control throughout our entire marriage. All that said, I’d be destroyed... devastated... never recover.... but I’d probably fake forgiveness so I could live with my kids... at least until my little ones were older.


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## mrcool46 (Sep 22, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Recently, my wife and I discussed another couple whose marriage went kaput because of an affair. I told her that if she strayed, I would forgive her. Granted, it would be difficult, but we're "only human, born to make mistakes," as the song told us. We are married 27 years, after all, and still love each other ... She paused, and said she didn't know if she could forgive me if I strayed. I was surprised. Just wondered what the TAM community thought of our conversation: Me willing to forgive and move on, she being not so sure.
> 
> guess this could also be in the infidelity section


Why did she cheap ? That's what you need the answer to. It could be you're part of the problem


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

mrcool46 said:


> Why did she cheap ? That's what you need the answer to. It could be you're part of the problem


Well, she didn't cheat. Nor have I. It was all hypothetical.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Recently, my wife and I discussed another couple whose marriage went kaput because of an affair. I told her that if she strayed, I would forgive her. Granted, it would be difficult, but we're "only human, born to make mistakes," as the song told us. We are married 27 years, after all, and still love each other ... She paused, and said she didn't know if she could forgive me if I strayed. I was surprised. Just wondered what the TAM community thought of our conversation: Me willing to forgive and move on, she being not so sure.
> 
> guess this could also be in the infidelity section


It's hard to know what you would do until it happens to you, God forbid.

I could forgive a drunken slip given she immediately confessed and was remorseful, which she would be. Mrs. C would be devastated and I actually can't even imagine her slipping once.

She would more than likely forgive me.

Either way, we would have a hell of a lot of work to do to repair ourselves and we are both committed to doing it.

God help those who try to damage our marriage because no one else can save them from our wrath.

Mrs. C actually knows how to use katanas.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> It's hard to know what you would do until it happens to you, God forbid.
> 
> I could forgive a drunken slip given she immediately confessed and was remorseful, which she would be.
> 
> God help those who try to damage our marriage because no one else can save them from our wrath.


Knowing myself, i would fuel the anger and nuke it all. I am very justice oriented for wrongs. Wife should not have been drinking away from spouse in 1st place. Alcohol just takes away the inhibitions and lets one do what they WANTED to do in the 1st place. 

If wife was remorseful and signed over everything in the divorce i would try to stay with her after the divorce, but i would not be bound to her and she would not have the status of wife any longer....GF or FWB.

As for the wrath you speak of....God giving me a faithful wife that is adverse to cheating as i am. He has protected an OM from the evil i would do to that man if he knew wife was married, likewise He preserved me from loosing my religion.

Matter of fact, the topic of my message in Adult/teen SS class at church yesterday was over requirements of a Godly Covenant Marriage. 

Pastor said after, i didn't know you message topic or i would have warned you about jumping in the shark tank. I said, if someone has issue with what i said, their issue is with God. I just taught on His Word.


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## Coloratura (Sep 28, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Recently, my wife and I discussed another couple whose marriage went kaput because of an affair. I told her that if she strayed, I would forgive her. Granted, it would be difficult, but we're "only human, born to make mistakes," as the song told us. We are married 27 years, after all, and still love each other ... She paused, and said she didn't know if she could forgive me if I strayed. I was surprised. Just wondered what the TAM community thought of our conversation: Me willing to forgive and move on, she being not so sure.
> 
> guess this could also be in the infidelity section


It would seem to me it would depend on the situation. I forgave my husband for what I thought was a little office fling and worked on rebuilding our marriage only to learn he never left her and that was 8 years ago. To me, that is more than a “mistake” and there is no more forgiveness to be had


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Coloratura said:


> It would seem to me it would depend on the situation. I forgave my husband for what I thought was a little office fling and worked on rebuilding our marriage only to learn he never left her and that was 8 years ago. To me, that is more than a “mistake” and there is no more forgiveness to be had


Yeah, the fact that he never left her and it's been eight years. Sheesh. I agree with you. Forgive for a fling. Eight years? Sorry Charlie. No way


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Okay, I'm sorry you got cheated on 28 YEARS AGO. Ever think it may be time to move along? Sheesh. Don't preach at me over one comment. To each their own. Walk a mile in someone's boots. I get it. I'm not spouting off. Once again, it was one freakin conversation we had a few years ago. Speculation. I don't appreciate being crucified by you cuz you don't like my comment. I'm done with this.


I don't know why you think he's crucifying you...he's simply challenging you, and it should be interesting for you to consider what he says and imagine his feelings and if you would share them at all. He was very mild and made a great comment, with lots of information to think about. I'm not sure why it offended you so much.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Cletus said:


> You equate not tolerating an affair with strength.
> 
> I can equate forgiveness of an affair with strength. Or, more precisely, I equate doing what you personally feel is necessary as strong, whichever way you choose. Reconciling with a spouse is in many ways more work than leaving them.


This is what I'm saying! It takes a mature person who has the strength to move forward with a cheating spouse. I agree totally. Not leaving said cheater is not weakness!


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> This is what I'm saying! It takes a mature person who has the strength to move forward with a cheating spouse. I agree totally. Not leaving said cheater is not weakness!


Staying with a cheater can be weakness. It could be from fear of being alone, fear of never finding someone else to love you, fear of change, believing you are to blame are just a few.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Longtime Hubby said:


> she didn't hit the guy in the head, Gere did


More than once. It was great.😁
Lane is hot but her ass would have been grass in my yard.


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## DonJuan (Oct 20, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Recently, my wife and I discussed another couple whose marriage went kaput because of an affair. I told her that if she strayed, I would forgive her. Granted, it would be difficult, but we're "only human, born to make mistakes," as the song told us. We are married 27 years, after all, and still love each other ... She paused, and said she didn't know if she could forgive me if I strayed. I was surprised. Just wondered what the TAM community thought of our conversation: Me willing to forgive and move on, she being not so sure.
> 
> guess this could also be in the infidelity section


Forgiving the cheating spouse is the easy part, because it’s for my benefit. Trust would never return though so I would divorce after forgiving. I simply don’t want AIDS or an STD, or any of the other issues or problems that a deceitful spouse can bring to the marriage.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Recently, my wife and I discussed another couple whose marriage went kaput because of an affair. I told her that if she strayed, I would forgive her. Granted, it would be difficult, but we're "only human, born to make mistakes," as the song told us. We are married 27 years, after all, and still love each other ... She paused, and said she didn't know if she could forgive me if I strayed. I was surprised. Just wondered what the TAM community thought of our conversation: Me willing to forgive and move on, she being not so sure.
> 
> guess this could also be in the infidelity section


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

GusPolinski said:


> She’s now wondering if you’ve cheated.
> 
> Congrats! 🎊🎉🥳


I think the person saying they’d forgive and looking for the same reaction either cheated or wants to.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)




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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> so we can't forgive someone and move on?


No. Not for that level of betrayal. Moving on implies nuisance. You’re very cavalier about cheating


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Well ... what about the fact that a choice can sometimes turn out to be a mistake? Is there no room for that in your world? There is in mine. Choice/mistake/whatever. I would forgive. Be hard, but I would.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Well ... what about the fact that a choice can sometimes turn out to be a mistake? Is there no room for that in your world? There is in mine. Choice/mistake/whatever. I would forgive. Be hard, but I would.


I think you feel entitled to cheat and call it poor choice, who sits and talks about potentially cheating and being forgiven?


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

snowbum said:


> I think you feel entitled to cheat and call it poor choice, who sits and talks about potentially cheating and being forgiven?


Have not cheated in 28 years married. No plans to. Sheesh.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Zombie Cat is most flattered. 









"I have fans? Imagine that!" Zombie Cat will treat himself to a (sugar) mouse this evening.


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