# Trust



## Someadviceplease (Jul 10, 2017)

Is it possible to learn to trust again?

My husband has cheated twice via message, nothing physical that I know about. There was an ex girlfriend and a woman on fb. 

He exchanged selfies with the ex, told her she was still gorgeous and there would be a place in his heart always. 

The fb woman was asked for "coffee sometime". He and I went for coffee on our first date, so that hurt.

He doesn't believe he cheated, but when I ask him to reverse the situation he doesn't like it. The fact that he was emotionally somewhere else troubles me, and leaves me wondering what else has happened. I love him, but I am angry and bitter and I don't trust him. 

Just recently, there was a message from another ex on fb who has blocked me. This made me uneasy straight away, why did she block me if there was nothing going on? He says he didnt message her, and he has now blocked her. 

It seems everytime I get comfortable, something else happens. We've only been together for 5 years.

Am I being stupid?


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Who is it that he was messaging?

And did you see the messages for yourself?


----------



## Someadviceplease (Jul 10, 2017)

The first was an ex, the second a female friend of a friend on fb. Yes I did see them &#55357;&#56852;
He told me he was chatting up his ex so that he could lift her up to let her fall. He hinted at catching up for coffee with the one on fb, and his and my first date was a coffee date. That hurt big time &#55357;&#56852;


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Maybe, but you need to decide first if the trust is warranted. If he doesn't get that this is cheating why will he stop doing it, more importantly why does he deserve your trust.


----------



## Someadviceplease (Jul 10, 2017)

Thats the exact thing that continues to go through my mind


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

At a minimum he's putting feelers out in order to create opportunities to cheat.

Which is more or less exactly the same as cheating.


----------



## Sly Fox (Jun 6, 2017)

GusPolinski said:


> At a minimum he's putting feelers out in order to create opportunities to cheat.
> 
> Which is more or less exactly the same as cheating.


That's a pretty big leap sherlock. So in other words, if you ask how to hot wire a car it's the same as having stolen one? 

I'd say his contact with these ladies was inappropriate for a married man, but labeling it as cheating is a bit much.


----------



## Someadviceplease (Jul 10, 2017)

Sly Fox said:


> That's a pretty big leap sherlock. So in other words, if you ask how to hot wire a car it's the same as having stolen one?
> 
> I'd say his contact with these ladies was inappropriate for a married man, but labeling it as cheating is a bit much.


Sly fox, however when I asked him if he was to discover that I had done this and kept it from him would he call it cheating, he told me yes. He even demanded I block a man because he passes comment on my profile pic on fb.


----------



## Sly Fox (Jun 6, 2017)

Someadviceplease said:


> Sly fox, however when I asked him if he was to discover that I had done this and kept it from him would he call it cheating, he told me yes. He even demanded I block a man because he passes comment on my profile pic on fb.


Well then he is a hypocrite, and a bit too jealous in demanding you block such user. But it's not exactly cheating, imo.


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Sly Fox said:


> That's a pretty big leap sherlock. So in other words, if you ask how to hot wire a car it's the same as having stolen one?
> 
> I'd say his contact with these ladies was inappropriate for a married man, but labeling it as cheating is a bit much.


What a terrible analogy. He didn't ask how to cheat, though, if he did, it would be pretty telling. He was testing the waters. He was looking to cheat. He was trying the handles on the doors to see if any were unlocked so he could Hotwire it. Are you kidding me man?


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sly Fox said:


> That's a pretty big leap sherlock. So in other words, if you ask how to hot wire a car it's the same as having stolen one?


LOL.



Sly Fox said:


> I'd say his contact with these ladies was inappropriate for a married man, but labeling it as cheating is a bit much.


Stick around, you might learn some stuff.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Herschel said:


> What a terrible analogy. He didn't ask how to cheat, though, if he did, it would be pretty telling. He was testing the waters. He was looking to cheat. He was trying the handles on the doors to see if any were unlocked so he could Hotwire it. Are you kidding me man?


Derps gonna derp, bro.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Yes, it is a form of cheating, he is on the prowl, just hasn't probably quite caught anything yet. You should do the 180 on him big time and scare the **** out of him, go get divorce papers and tell your and his family.

I'm sorry but a man like this is not worth keeping, dump his ass now because if you go ahead and have kids with him, you will be trapped for another 20 years of misery.

Think is this what you need in your life?

How old are you both?


----------



## Someadviceplease (Jul 10, 2017)

45 and 46. Can't have anymore kids together. 
How do you make him understand how hurtful his actions are? Honestly, I believe his own personal insecurities are what lead him to this. A lifetime of not being good enough for his father. His ex wife having so many extra partners he lost count! This is why I struggle with the fact that he's done to me what he has. He knows how hurt he was and how it crushed him, why the do it to someone else? Do people follow a culture of cheating?


----------



## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

Someadviceplease said:


> 45 and 46. Can't have anymore kids together.
> How do you make him understand how hurtful his actions are? Honestly, I believe his own personal insecurities are what lead him to this. A lifetime of not being good enough for his father. His ex wife having so many extra partners he lost count! This is why I struggle with the fact that he's done to me what he has. He knows how hurt he was and how it crushed him, why the do it to someone else?
> *Do people follow a culture of cheating?*


Sadly, in many cases yes. Your situation may be salvageable, the 180 is your best option in determining this.

Follow the sage advice from TAM which you feel is most pertinent and meaningful to you


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Someadviceplease said:


> 45 and 46. Can't have anymore kids together.
> How do you make him understand how hurtful his actions are? *Honestly, I believe his own personal insecurities are what lead him to this*. A lifetime of not being good enough for his father. His ex wife having so many extra partners he lost count! This is why I struggle with the fact that he's done to me what he has. He knows how hurt he was and how it crushed him, why the do it to someone else? Do people follow a culture of cheating?


If the above is the case then what has he done about it in a positive way as opposed to standing on the slippery slope leading towards infidelity? There is a time when we become responsible for our own lives and choices.

At the very least you both should be exploring what your expectations/boundaries are in regard to one another and your relationship.

Personally,I don't think trust ever comes back 100 percent,and it can extend beyond a primary relationship. Loss of naivete and the resulting sophistication can harden anyone. Depends on the person I guess.

Just my opinion.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> At a minimum he's putting feelers out in order to create opportunities to cheat.
> 
> Which is more or less exactly the same as cheating.


*Asking this rather succinctly, "Exactly what business does a husband or wife have in secretly contacting a member of the opposite sex through social media, and why would such a "family man/woman" ever covertly try to contact such a person without first informing their spouse about it?

Let's just say that any answers that one retrieves from the recesses of their mind cannot be the most easing or assuring ones in the world!*


----------



## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

Sly Fox said:


> That's a pretty big leap sherlock. So in other words, if you ask how to hot wire a car it's the same as having stolen one?


Along your line of reasoning, "attempted murder" isn't murder and shouldn't have any consequences. This overlooks the fact that many murders are premeditated, and those murders before completion are "attempted". So again, by your reasoning, people should get away with attempting murder but not murder itself? Good thing you're not a lawmaker...

Most married people don't build up false expectations of reconnecting with their exes, just to hurt them. Most married people don't suggest meeting random women for coffee, when they've done that on the dating scene. Both actions show clear intentions.

I agree with others that the behavior of OP's spouse is "attempted cheating", and it should have consequences. OP's loss of trust is the start of consequences, and OP's monitoring of her spouse should be an ongoing consequence until trust is regained.

OP, if your husband is attempting to cheat, you should be prepared to catch him "red-handed". Please, don't give this guy the benefit of the doubt now and simply wait for him to cheat. Lay low, and keep your eyes and ears open.


----------



## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

Someadviceplease said:


> The first was an ex, the second a female friend of a friend on fb. Yes I did see them ��
> *He told me he was chatting up his ex so that he could lift her up to let her fall.* He hinted at catching up for coffee with the one on fb, and his and my first date was a coffee date. That hurt big time ��


If that doesn't say arsehole, what does? Hate is the flip side of love, so he clearly hasn't got over his ex. Never have a relationship with someone who still feels emotional about an ex.


----------



## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

I honor my marriage and wife to never have any contact what-so-ever with any EX. 

There is no possible reason I should try to contact any or even search for them in any way. How can that benefit myself, my wife or marriage. 

If I need more sex, I know where to go. My wife. If I need to get coffee with a friend - it's my wife. He needs to recommit to you and your marriage. 

It's called mate guarding. Maybe tell him if the situation were reversed and you were asked for coffee by a hot, single, rich EX how would he feel. 

Wedding vows don't protect you, you protect your wedding vows. He needs to know this. There are consequences.


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I worry about context when reading messages like this. The husband could very well be looking to cheat, but the entire conversation and some context might be needed.

I have a 30 year reunion coming up for high school. Through this, many classmates have joined a group and have become friends on facebook. There are a few girls in this group that I dated periodically in high school. They could be considered as EX's. I haven't had any long texts with anyone from this group, but there has been the odd message like, "Haven't seen you in years. I see you are now living in ????, you haven't changed a bit, you look great."

I could see myself asking a woman I met on facebook for coffee if she was in the same business as me. If meeting her might give me some insight into a prospect I was looking into. There are reasons to meet for coffee other than a precursor to cheat.

So yes, the OPs husband might be looking to cheat, but he could also be totally innocent. Without looking at the entire circumstance, it is hard to tell. Many times people post on here to get validation for their feelings. They often paint the picture worse than it actually is in order to get support.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Someadviceplease said:


> Thats the exact thing that continues to go through my mind


Honestly I never understood this question (BS ask can I trust again). Let me ask you one, does it actually make rational sense to trust someone who cheated on you twice or even once? That should be the question asked. That is the hard truth of the situation. Now in my mind it doesn't. So then the real problem is if it possible for you to live your whole life acting on what you know is not rationally wise course of action, which is trusting a cheater.

If you decide you can't then as I see it you have two choices, live in a relationship where there is no trust. You see this all the time. Or move on. 

I think you would do better to deal with these questions.

In your case it seems like you husband has poor boundaries, but that is really how it all begins. He needs to get this. Until he does how can you trust him?


----------



## Sly Fox (Jun 6, 2017)

Herschel said:


> What a terrible analogy. He didn't ask how to cheat, though, if he did, it would be pretty telling. He was testing the waters. He was looking to cheat. He was trying the handles on the doors to see if any were unlocked so he could Hotwire it. Are you kidding me man?


It's still not 'cheating' just to ask about that. And how exactly do you know all of this for certain? I don't want to sound like I am defending the inappropriate contact, but you are a little too quick in assuming guilt. Seriously, unless you are a mind reader with a crystal ball, you don't know wtf he is thinking nor what you are even talking about.


----------



## Sly Fox (Jun 6, 2017)

GusPolinski said:


> LOL.
> 
> 
> 
> Stick around, you might learn some stuff.


Yeah, but not from you uncle buck.


----------



## Sly Fox (Jun 6, 2017)

_anonymous_ said:


> Along your line of reasoning, "attempted murder" isn't murder and shouldn't have any consequences. This overlooks the fact that many murders are premeditated, and those murders before completion are "attempted". So again, by your reasoning, people should get away with attempting murder but not murder itself? Good thing you're not a lawmaker...
> 
> Most married people don't build up false expectations of reconnecting with their exes, just to hurt them. Most married people don't suggest meeting random women for coffee, when they've done that on the dating scene. Both actions show clear intentions.
> 
> ...


I disagree with your analogy. Mine was a comparison of inquiry vs the physical act itself. Attempted murder is a little more serious, don't you think? If you Google about how to murder, does that make you a murderer or attempted murderer? That's my point. Jesus Christ I can't believe some of the thinking here.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sly Fox said:


> Yeah, but not from you uncle buck.


Your loss.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sly Fox said:


> I disagree with your analogy. Mine was a comparison of inquiry vs the physical act itself. Attempted murder is a little more serious, don't you think? If you Google about how to murder, does that make you a murderer or attempted murderer? That's my point. Jesus Christ I can't believe some of the thinking here.


This guy got caught engaging in many of the activities (setting up and going on dates, etc) that could conceivably lead -- and were meant to lead -- to the physical act of cheating itself.

Whether he closed the deal or not is of little consequence because a) he was trying and b) even if he didn't, he eventually would have.


----------



## james5588 (Mar 22, 2017)

I hate Facebook....

Even if it is all innocent and he has absolutely no intention of doing anything against his marriage, even if he hasn't considered it, if it never occurred to him, the mere fact that it makes her uncomfortable should be enough for him to stop altogether. 

My wife hated the way I drive. I mean she absolutely hated it. I think I am a fine driver. I haven't had any accidents or tickets in a very long time (this is even while dealing with health issues that we later learned compromised my reflexes). I even had to drive her best friend to ER who later raved about how I am the best driver. My wife on the other hand has had tickets and smashed up the front end pretty good recently by accident....

Out of respect and love for my wife and her feelings and our marriage, I choose to change. Simple.

If it were me, I would have deleted FB altogether. Sometimes it isn't about 'right' or 'wrong', I think its simply about her.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Someadviceplease said:


> 45 and 46. Can't have anymore kids together.
> How do you make him understand how hurtful his actions are? Honestly, I believe his own personal insecurities are what lead him to this. A lifetime of not being good enough for his father. His ex wife having so many extra partners he lost count! This is why I struggle with the fact that he's done to me what he has. He knows how hurt he was and how it crushed him, why the do it to someone else? Do people follow a culture of cheating?


You cannot make him understand because he is in his 'functional fixedness'. Your pain does not motivate him to change. Many men are like this. That is why they only want to change when the wife is already out the door.

Only his own pain will motivate him to change. That might involve you going and getting the divorce papers.
Trauma from the past can motivate a person never to follow that path, or alternatively they do the very thing that happened to them. It looks like your H falls in the second category.

You have to change his environment, shake him up so that his pain makes him want to change the status quo, but do you really want to invest that kind of time? Something you really have to think about.


----------

