# Line between work and play



## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

Does anyone else have issues with your spouses job. In particular, how/where to draw that line between work and play. 

She is very good at her job. One of the reasons she is so good is that she doesn't say no to ANYTHING. She considers everything a critical work event. Volunteer to be on the board of such and such, sure why not. Golf event on Friday, absolutely. Fundraising dinner, I'm in!!! 

In just about every other aspect of our marriage, we are 100%. Its just this one area. She doesnt drink at these things. Shes not bonding with anyone outside our marriage or anything. Her actual work work takes her away enough. overnight trips. Nighttime events that are actual 100% work events (not parties or mixers). It just drives me nuts that she always has to go above and beyond to further her career while Im expected to, once again, take advantage of my ridiculously flexible career to cover the kids. 

I don't know, guess I'm just venting, but its frustrating. This month and next month are really heavy for her as far as off hour meetings and out of state trips...and yet she is out golfing in some work related tourney right now. I just wish she had courtesy to 1) ask if maybe Im available to cover. 2)maybe say no once in a while.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Is the problem mainly that you don't see much of her? That you feel stuck with all of the childcare? That you don't have enough time to put into your own more "flexible" career? All of the above?


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

John Lee said:


> Is the problem mainly that you don't see much of her? That you feel stuck with all of the childcare? That you don't have enough time to put into your own more "flexible" career? All of the above?


All the above. I mean, I could blurr those lines. If I call up some buddies, who happen to be colleagues or at least working in the same industry as me, to golf 2 or 3 times a month that would be the same thing. Yeah, im golfing with buddies, but Im also networking, talking about work related stuff. Why dont I? well, because then we have to call in day care, we get to see even less of each other...not to mention the cost. But for her, she has no issue. She doesnt even ask or tell me really. just "hey, got a golf thing today",


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What does she say when you talk to her about this issue?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

happi_g_more2 said:


> All the above. I mean, I could blurr those lines. If I call up some buddies, who happen to be colleagues or at least working in the same industry as me, to golf 2 or 3 times a month that would be the same thing. Yeah, im golfing with buddies, but Im also networking, talking about work related stuff. Why dont I? well, because then we have to call in day care, we get to see even less of each other...not to mention the cost. But for her, she has no issue. She doesnt even ask or tell me really. just "hey, got a golf thing today",


Have you raised the issue with her, and if so, how? Have there been times when you have actually had a thing you wanted to do and your wife said "oh, sorry, I have that golf thing"? Is she preventing you from doing things or is it more the feeling of being a little bit overlooked and taken for granted that bothers you most? Maybe you should try actually planning a few things for yourself and let your wife know in advance -- "I'm hoping to play golf with someone who could potentially refer clients Tuesday -- can you be home?" It would probably make you feel better if you were out and about a little more yourself and not always sitting at home waiting.


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

Obviously I have raised the issue. That's how I know she considers all these events "critical". Its definitely more of an overlooked/taken advantage of thing. Im a bit extreme in that with my view of familiy. I really dont do ANYTHING for myself. I dont go on guys trips. Grab a beer at the bar. go watch the game. ride my mountain bike. If i do anything outside work, it involves the family. vacation. sunday hike. coaching a sport....that kind of stuff.

You are right. The fact that Im sitting here waiting is a huge issue for me. Oddly, its not so much jealousy as it is contempment. The fact that she guises some of these work events as "required" when really, she is out having a blast. She loves being that chick. The one doing all the guy things with the guys. So its really hard when Im home being the house wife. I think Id prefer her to say "hey, i cant golf in this event because i need to watch the kids while my husband works".


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

I hate to say this, but are you sure she's not having an affair? Mighty convenient to be away for so many optional work events.

I'm a high flier in my career, but I say no to plenty of things. The most successful people have a very narrow focus and make sure they don't take on more than they can handle.

Based on what you describe, I'm wondering if she's away playing at work, in more ways than one...


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

With all that emphasis put on work, I am wondering how much time you two have together? I have read books that recommend 15 hours per week together (no kids, no distractions). So, how much time are you guys really spending together?


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

long_done said:


> I hate to say this, but are you sure she's not having an affair? Mighty convenient to be away for so many optional work events.
> 
> I'm a high flier in my career, but I say no to plenty of things. The most successful people have a very narrow focus and make sure they don't take on more than they can handle.
> 
> Based on what you describe, I'm wondering if she's away playing at work, in more ways than one...


I dont know what it is about this site, but damn if you cant have a conversation without someone throwin down that "card". No. Im as sure of the fact that I have a penis as I am of the fact that she isnt having an affiar. She doesnt have it in her in so many ways
1) Way too loyal
2) way too self respecting
3) loves me and the kids way too much
4) knows exactly what would happen if she did
5) hates her body way too much to get naked in front of anyone else (although I think she is ****in hot)

pretty much an impossibility at this point. However, I will way this, Ive turned into such a ***** over the last 15 years I wouldnt be surpised if some douchbag wanna be alpha tried. however, again, I just dont see her going for it.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

It sounds like she derives a lot of validation of how much she is "needed" at work and these constant events.

I think you would know best if your wife is cheating, so we can respect that, but at the same time, this quote raises some flags:
"_She loves being that chick. The one doing all the guy things with the guys. So its really hard when Im home being the house wife_." I am not saying this is proof that she is cheating on you, but it is a razor's edge when your wife is unable to respect you at least as her equal, placing you on a lower tier of priority...more than spending time with her co-workers. 

This is concerning, because being automatically subjugated to domestic status will certainly lower a male's sex rank (and no, I am not completely drinking the sex rank Kool-Aid), but I myself have been victim to what happens when a wife slowly loses her respect for her husband and feels her value exceeds my value one day enough where the boundary of infidelity being out-of-the-question suddenly was no longer there. ASSUME NOTHING.

This takes you being very upfront about what you need. Don't approach it like you are asking for her favor, say that this is a problem, you have some expectations, and you expect her to respond to this matter and not sweep it aside. Do not let her diminish your needs, but at the same time, be willing to communicate that you want to work out a healthy balance.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

happi_g_more2 said:


> All the above. I mean, I could blurr those lines. If I call up some buddies, who happen to be colleagues or at least working in the same industry as me, to golf 2 or 3 times a month that would be the same thing. Yeah, im golfing with buddies, but Im also networking, talking about work related stuff. Why dont I? well, because then we have to call in day care, we get to see even less of each other...not to mention the cost. But for her, she has no issue. She doesnt even ask or tell me really. just "hey, got a golf thing today",


I totally understand where you're coming from. My wife used to be this way and still is to some extent but to a much lesser degree now.

I think some people just have a hard time saying "no" when they feel they're needed and then just over-commit themselves. I think my wife is a "people-pleaser", which we are all to an extent, but some people are more extreme in their behavior than others. I've taught (pressured) my wife over the years in the art of saying "no" to people.

Now in your wife's case, it may be, as previously mentioned, that she derives a lot of self worth from doing what she's doing but it sounds like she may be neglecting you and/or the family. I would put my foot down if I were you and demand changes. That's what I did and it improved dramatically.

In our case, it got to the point of us not really having much of any time together and I got very angry. I don't have a problem telling people "no". In fact, I'm on the other end of the spectrum in that regard. My defacto answer to most people asking me to do something is "no" or let me consider it for a while. I don't have much free time as it is so I'm rather protective of it.


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## naminagupta (Jun 20, 2014)

The line is merely when work overrides play, and vice versa. Life is for living, live it.:smthumbup: Balance in all things...


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

happi_g_more2 said:


> I dont know what it is about this site, but damn if you cant have a conversation without someone throwin down that "card". No. Im as sure of the fact that I have a penis as I am of the fact that she isnt having an affiar. She doesnt have it in her in so many ways
> 1) Way too loyal
> 2) way too self respecting
> 3) loves me and the kids way too much
> ...


% of spouses that were shocked when they found out that their spouse is cheating on them ? => Almost everyone

Also, what what you posted earlier kinda contradicts the list.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Regardless, tell her you will not watch the children because you feel taken advantage of. Unless you are enthusiastic about what she is doing you should tell her you prefer not to sacrifice your time for her desire to do unnecessary things. 

Or you can do a trade. For each night you are alone watching the kids you get a night by yourself. Then she will be alone with them.

Pretty soon the two of you will be co-parenting and not be married any more... Or she will miss you and cut back on her extracurricular activities... And maybe by then you won't want to give up your free time to spend it with her. Maybe by then you will have a life outside of the home just like she has now. 

Talk to her. Throw up a scenario like that.

She isn't being fair.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I don't know, maybe every time she has a function, meeting or trip, that she "has" to volunteer for or attend, make awesome plans with your kids. Do something you wouldn't normally do, even if you stay home. When your kids are describing their awesome day to her, maybe she realize what she's missing when she's doing "guy things with the guys".


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

BTW, I had to do this with my husband. He was always making plans that didn't involve me or the kids. Golf, hunting, working out, etc. It would be like, "I'm going golfing Saturday". So, I just started making my own plans with the kids or with myself (before kids). The kids would come home all excited and describe the fun they had to their dad. Sometimes I could tell it bothered him, like he missed out. One time he got all butt hurt because I took the kids somewhere that he would have like to have gone. I was like, "Oh well".


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

So far, it sounds like you're not even ASKING anything of her. So her co-workers are saying "hey, wanna come for golf?" and you're NOT saying "hey, can you be home tuesday night so I can (go out with my friends, take some time for myself, take you out to dinner, etc.)" So if she has a hard time saying no, and they're asking, and you're not, then it's not hard to see where that winds up. That said, I can see why it bothers you that she doesn't just naturally make you and her kids more of a priority and that she prioritizes work events so much. TBH I doubt it's really that important to her career that she does all this stuff. I'm sure she could do half of it and be just fine.

How many nights a week is she out? I don't think it would hurt to have a talk with her in a firm but non-accusatory way: "You know, you went to work social functions on x, y, and z days, and I haven't had a night our (or we haven't had a night out) since __. I know networking is important to you but I need you to balance that with my needs." Maybe you can suggest a certain number of events per month - not a hard fast rule but at least a guideline.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

happi_g_more2 said:


> 1) ask if maybe Im available to cover. 2)maybe say no once in a while.


Have you said that?

And have _you_ told her no, once in a while?

Don't allow yourself to be taken for granted. Do allow your wife the opportunity to see that she needs more balance and consideration your way, as it's affecting your marriage.


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