# Husband wants to send money to Parent’s maid and Hid from me!



## Believeingod

My Husband is thinking of sending money to the maid of his parents every month….didn’t tell me and when I came to know from some other source…..he said “I would have eventually told you!”I told him that he broke my trust….he tells me hiding is NOT breech of trust.
He said he hid it from me because he was afraid.
Do you think this is okay to do?
His brother suggested doing that and he agreed,didn’t even discuss with me.
I don’t have a problem to help parents in need,but his parents are already good,no lack of money,just that his Dad is a greedy man,always whining about money and doesn’t care about anything else!
So I don’t know if what he is doing,is right!


----------



## DownByTheRiver

He shouldn't be hiding things from you. Have you ever seen this maid?


----------



## bobert

Believeingod said:


> He said he hid it from me because he was afraid.


Then he shouldn't have done it...


----------



## Believeingod

The maid is in India,we are in the US.
But my question is,is it okay to do this without discussing it with me.
I asked him the same and his reply was “ “Yes i was afraid of arguments which we have been having since 20 years bec of my parents,and whatever I tell you,you say you don’t trust me!And I want to do this because despite my dad having money he will not keep a maid.And they are both 70 plus.
Does this justify his actions?


----------



## NextTimeAround

> Does this justify his actions?


No. I'm wondering what could he be hiding. Are you sure that this money went / would have gone straight to the maid?


----------



## bobert

Believeingod said:


> The maid is in India,we are in the US.
> But my question is,is it okay to do this without discussing it with me.
> I asked him the same and his reply was “ “Yes i was afraid of arguments which we have been having since 20 years bec of my parents,and whatever I tell you,you say you don’t trust me!And I want to do this because despite my dad having money he will not keep a maid.And they are both 70 plus.
> Does this justify his actions?


No, it's not okay and even he knows that. If he thought it was okay he wouldn't have gone behind your back or been afraid to talk to you about it. 

As far as I'm concerned, when you're married the money isn't "mine" and "yours", it's "ours". Therefore, these things should be discussed. Other couples may feel differently but it still needs to be discussed and agreed upon early on so you know you're on the same page.


----------



## Believeingod

I am 100% about that.


----------



## Believeingod

100% about that!


----------



## Believeingod

bobert said:


> No, it's not okay and even he knows that. If he thought it was okay he wouldn't have gone behind your back or been afraid to talk to you about it.
> 
> As far as I'm concerned, when you're married the money isn't "mine" and "yours", it's "ours". Therefore, these things should be discussed. Other couples may feel differently but it still needs to be discussed and agreed upon early on so you know you're on the same page.


Thanks so much for your reply.I thought I was over reacting.


----------



## bobert

Believeingod said:


> Thanks so much for your reply.I thought I was over reacting.


So, if your husband had come to you to talk about this beforehand, what would your response had been?

I know your FIL can afford a maid, but he doesn't want to pay for one. Maybe your husband wants to do it for his mother so that she doesn't have the burden of cleaning? Also, if your BIL suggested it to your husband, did they plan on splitting the cost of the maid?


----------



## Believeingod

bobert said:


> So, if your husband had come to you to talk about this beforehand, what would your response had been?
> 
> I know your FIL can afford a maid, but he doesn't want to pay for one. Maybe your husband wants to do it for his mother so that she doesn't have the burden of cleaning? Also, if your BIL suggested it to your husband, did they plan on splitting the cost of the maid?


I would have told him not to do it because he is feeding his greed....it’s never enough for him.They are doing so well,with monthly pension and house rent.We have 2 Kids and my Husband is working hard here,we are very careful with our spending.Have to send the Kids to College and we are saving for them not to have to worry about loans.
His brother is just the same as the Dad.And he hardly calls my Husband,has been talking to him these days when he needs him to send the money.Yes,he said he was going to split,but I doubt it,since he is jobless!
Do you think I am wrong if those are my thoughts?


----------



## Diana7

I think that if they are fortunate enough to have a maid they need to pay for her.


----------



## Believeingod

Diana7 said:


> I think that if they are fortunate enough to have a maid they need to pay for her.


Exactly what I told him,but he would just scream at me to prove he is doing the right thing.Tells me am not doing it because my brother told me,am doing it because I want to!And I try to make him understand that his parents are doing very well Financially!


----------



## Wolfman1968

I'd like to make a couple of points to consider. 

First of all, I agree that marital money is joint money, and decisions should be mutual. Therefore, he is wrong to make a unilateral decision to send money. 

However, I would say that even if he is wrong, a little sympathy for his position might be in order. I come from a mixed background, and my father is from a third world country in which it is expected that the children make sure their parents are comfortable and cared for. From what I understand, Indian culture shares some of these expectations as well. So, I can understand how he may feel torn between a duty to his parents which has been ingrained in him and the protestations of his wife. I'm not saying that he made the right choice by sending the money, I'm saying that, in a sense, he's in a lose-lose situation. Either he disappoints his parents or he disappoints his wife. He ends up feeling distressed and emotionally pressured either choice he makes. And if you're calling his father "greedy", that only makes things worse for him. He may not agree with the "greed" assessment. It may not actually be greed, after all. Many people from poor countries or from places with a lot of economic insecurity, may have too much economic fear to spend money even if they are financially stable. It may not be "greed" as much as a situations of ingrained fear of spending due to prior economic insecurity/uncertainty previously in their life. If you're debasing his father by calling him "greedy", you may be causing even more strain on your husband.


----------



## Believeingod

Wolfman1968 said:


> I'd like to make a couple of points to consider.
> 
> First of all, I agree that marital money is joint money, and decisions should be mutual. Therefore, he is wrong to make a unilateral decision to send money.
> 
> However, I would say that even if he is wrong, a little sympathy for his position might be in order. I come from a mixed background, and my father is from a third world country in which it is expected that the children make sure their parents are comfortable and cared for. From what I understand, Indian culture shares some of these expectations as well. So, I can understand how he may feel torn between a duty to his parents which has been ingrained in him and the protestations of his wife. I'm not saying that he made the right choice by sending the money, I'm saying that, in a sense, he's in a lose-lose situation. Either he disappoints his parents or he disappoints his wife. He ends up feeling distressed and emotionally pressured either choice he makes. And if you're calling his father "greedy", that only makes things worse for him. He may not agree with the "greed" assessment. It may not actually be greed, after all. Many people from poor countries or from places with a lot of economic insecurity, may have too much economic fear to spend money even if they are financially stable. It may not be "greed" as much as a situations of ingrained fear of spending due to prior economic insecurity/uncertainty previously in their life. If you're debasing his father by calling him "greedy", you may be causing even more strain on your husband.


I respect what you are saying and I value any input here.Yes,it is very prevalent in Indian culture but times has change now.My Husband,himself says his Father is a greedy man and can’t see anything besides money.His Wife just had a surgery and he did not even want to spend money for it.My Husband’s Uncle sent the money for the treatment from Switzerland.What is the use of that money when you can’t spend it on your own treatment?They don’t live a life of luxury even though they could have because they can afford it....but No.My Husband’s Dad is a very frugal person.
However,I am trying to save my Husband from this,he has been sending money to them a lot in the past,only to make them Happy!And now,I cannot let this happen,when my own Family is suffering here.


----------



## gold5932

How much money does he send? I used to pay for my Mom's maid for years.


----------



## Blondilocks

Wouldn't it be disrespectful to go against the father's wishes and hire a maid when he doesn't want one?


----------



## maquiscat

Believeingod said:


> “Yes i was afraid of arguments which we have been having since 20 years bec of my parents,and whatever I tell you,you say you don’t trust me!"


This might well be the key to everything.

If you are indeed jumping on him every time, or even just 75% of the time, money and his parents come up, then you are very much to blame, without removing any of his blame, for the situation. I can empathize with his position. I had been in it. I found out that my wife at the time hadn't actually been paying bills, but somehow managed to go to McD's on the regular (I was an OTR driver at the time). I quit that job just so I could be home to handle the finances. I knew I needed to get financial counseling, and that she would have a conniption fit if I did or even mention it. So I didn't tell her, and even lied about what I was doing. Well not actually lie, just purposely neglected to mention that there was the meeting with the councilor prior to doing what I said I'd be doing. Point is, if this has been going on for 20 years, then this is learned behavior that you had a part in.

The hiding aside, there are other factors to consider. How are the finances set up? Are they only joint, or do you two have your own accounts as well? If there are separate and joint accounts, then where is the money he is sending coming from? If it's his own account, then you have no say. If the joint account, you are right to be upset. 

There is also the why of it, but I think that got covered well enough by other posters.

Also, I really wouldn't worry as much about saving for the kid's college. One, between military and scholarships, it can be done without parents' help or loans. Been there done that, and recently at that. Second, college is over rated, although a secondary education is needed. Trade schools should be given equal weight, and such jobs will pay for their education/training faster than anything you get a college degree for.


----------



## Believeingod

Blondilocks said:


> Wouldn't it be disrespectful to go against the father's wishes and hire a maid when he doesn't want one?


Oh,his Father welcomes ANYTHING that is FREE!!!!!


----------



## MattMatt

Is his brother paying toward the maid's salary?


----------



## Believeingod

Yes,as of now,he said he is going to pay half of the maid’s salary.


----------



## Believeingod

gold5932 said:


> How much money does he send? I used to pay for my Mom's maid for years.


15,000INR


----------



## MattMatt

Believeingod said:


> 15,000INR


That's $200, or £156. 

Can he afford that? Or not?


----------

