# stress and sex?



## michelle38 (Jul 11, 2012)

let's lay this out simple--

h got a random audit from IRS. nothing illegal, it's just a *PAIN* in you know where. Plus, everyone has some weak spot. For example, I cannot stand dealing with lawyers. my h's weak spot is definitely the tax thing. I keep telling him he has always done everything correctly with his accountant so this is just something you deal with.

Before their interview and paperwork, though....

every night he would sit out just to ruminate the situation. i tell him nicely to come to bed. then i would fall asleep and wake up 2 hrs later and find him still somewhere else, or sleeping in a different bed. I've been very nice and patient and in the daytime I try to take care of other things, but i finally blew my fuse. 

If your spouse is sick or depressed i can understand. But everyone has stress, financial, job, kids related. if every time something like this happens the h refuses to touch the wife, is that reasonable?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi michelle ~

Everyone has different ways that they cope with stress - some people withdraw and stew things over, some people withdraw and more positively contemplate the situation, some people ignore and let things pile up until it explodes, some tackle things head on, etc.

Is the way your husband handles stressful situations consistent?

Some people get relief from stressful situations through sex, but some don't.

Being supportive of your stressed spouse during a stressful time, being appreciative of them, trying to suggest ways to handle the stress or to take some of the burden from them would be a wise thing to do.

If the stress is chronic (long-lived), then you should look at ways that you could manage/change your lifestyle to reduce or eliminate whatever the stressors are ... that takes some amount of openly communicating together and dedication to make changes.

If you or your spouse seem to be totally falling apart under stress, then maybe you should consider seeking some IC so that you could learn how to cope and manage stressful situations better and can see the damage stress can cause not only to you as an individual, but to your spouse and family as well.

Best wishes.


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## Dan Carruthers (Jul 14, 2012)

every night he would sit out just to ruminate the situation. i tell him nicely to come to bed. then i would fall asleep and wake up 2 hrs later and find him still somewhere else, or sleeping in a different bed. *I've been very nice and patient* and in the daytime I try to take care of other things, but i finally blew my fuse.

----Selfish statements dear female human...,since ironically,the bold,underlined part is the height of your selfishness and of a "care no damn of his issues" , let me have my carnal trips ."

but as Enchanted said, you may amend your ways , be an understanding responsible partner, be a soothing but intelligent one,providing him synergy,*,thus a really very nice *caring one.will you be..? 

@you ,michelle, his *Wife*

be the better half..from now, today n till death...


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

michelle38 said:


> let's lay this out simple--
> 
> h got a random audit from IRS. nothing illegal, it's just a *PAIN* in you know where. Plus, everyone has some weak spot. For example, I cannot stand dealing with lawyers. my h's weak spot is definitely the tax thing. I keep telling him he has always done everything correctly with his accountant so this is just something you deal with.
> 
> ...


So about how long has the audit been happening?


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## michelle38 (Jul 11, 2012)

Dan Carruthers said:


> every night he would sit out just to ruminate the situation. i tell him nicely to come to bed. then i would fall asleep and wake up 2 hrs later and find him still somewhere else, or sleeping in a different bed. *I've been very nice and patient* and in the daytime I try to take care of other things, but i finally blew my fuse.
> 
> ----Selfish statements dear female human...,since ironically,the bold,underlined part is the height of your selfishness...


So i should not be nice and patient and try to let him have time to think, huh, and all the male species here doing nice things for wife hoping she will somehow have more passion in bedroom are just wanting "carnal trips". U r ridiculous but my mobile phone is hard to type and i don't care to elaborate anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michelle38 (Jul 11, 2012)

Cherry said:


> So about how long has the audit been happening?


The interview is set for next month. He's had talks with accoutant and they just need to present all paperwork at the time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

No offense, but why not change the dynamic? Maybe when you wake up and find him not their, slip on something sexy and go find him?


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## Dan Carruthers (Jul 14, 2012)

michelle38 said:


> So i should not be nice and patient and try to let him have time to think, huh, and all the male species here doing nice things for wife hoping she will somehow have more passion in bedroom are just wanting "carnal trips". U r ridiculous but my mobile phone is hard to type and i don't care to elaborate anymore.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Read me right, my lady.

I meant, by being in synergy, you will have the Glorious Nights, to come..

God grant you the Serenity of Discernment.


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## michelle38 (Jul 11, 2012)

wiigirl said:


> No offense, but why not change the dynamic? Maybe when you wake up and find him not their, slip on something sexy and go find him?


Did that, he sighed out of impatience, came and started fingering me roughly and said "u just want this huh". It hurt.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

michelle38 said:


> The interview is set for next month. He's had talks with accoutant and they just need to present all paperwork at the time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Have you communicated with him that you "miss" him? Have you initiated/suggested it? Or did I miss that in your post?

ETA: you say he refuses to touch you, how does he refuse, by not coming to bed? Or do you come onto him where he sits and he refuses? 

ETA #2: okay. Can you take that opportunity when he is rough and acting like its a chore or whatever to tone him down? Explain to him you miss the connection, not just the act? Or have you done that too?


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## michelle38 (Jul 11, 2012)

Dan Carruthers said:


> Read me right, my lady.
> 
> I meant, by being in synergy, you will have the Glorious Nights, to come..
> 
> God grant you the Serenity of Discernment.


Please, although I do yoga, I do not seek enlightening phrases like these. 
All the men frustrated here because wife is under some stress then should go develop this *synergy* and have female stress and let's see how glorious their nights will be.


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## michelle38 (Jul 11, 2012)

Cherry said:


> Have you communicated with him that you "miss" him? Have you initiated/suggested it? Or did I miss that in your post?
> 
> ETA: you say he refuses to touch you, how does he refuse, by not coming to bed? Or do you come onto him where he sits and he refuses?
> 
> ETA #2: okay. Can you take that opportunity when he is rough and acting like its a chore or whatever to tone him down? Explain to him you miss the connection, not just the act? Or have you done that too?


I go to him, he tells me to go to sleep. 

I did tell him j just wanted to feel him close to me. The night I did that we slept, the next night he went back to his chair and when I asked him to come to bed and if he could just hold me like previous night (no sex), he said he got a neck strain from doing me a favor. That's when I blew my top off.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

wiigirl said:


> No offense, but why not change the dynamic? Maybe when you wake up and find him not their, slip on something sexy and go find him?


That would work for me! (As a mere male, I must point out!):smthumbup:

I'd be all: "IR.... who?"


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

michelle38 said:


> I go to him, he tells me to go to sleep.
> 
> I did tell him j just wanted to feel him close to me. The night I did that we slept, the next night he went back to his chair and when I asked him to come to bed and if he could just hold me like previous night (no sex), he said he got a neck strain from doing me a favor. That's when I blew my top off.


And this started with the audit?


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## michelle38 (Jul 11, 2012)

Cherry said:


> And this started with the audit?


This goes to what enchantment said, some people withdraw with stress, my h does that, and I know it well. But I am human too, and the question is how long does he need to be left alone, and in the meantime can he not be nasty?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Michelle,
I understand why his rejection of a request for physical affection made you so upset. 

Is he generally good about meeting your need for non-sexual affection?

What about sex itself?

Is there an expected completion date for the audit? Is it possible he knows something you don't know about what the auditors might find? 

I really think he needs to find a "position" where he can spoon/connect with you and not end up needing one of those halo braces....

And it is ok to tell him: I understand that stress affects everyone differently. It is also true that I would feel a lot better about our reduced love life, if you would make the effort to find a position that you are comfortable with - next to me in bed. 

And I will tell you what I would say to anyone in this type of situation. Prepare for an aggressive/mean response, so that if you get one, you don't throw gasoline on the fire. If he does not respond in a reasonable way, be silent. And then leave the room. Because trying to engage when your partner is behaving that way is counterproductive. 

And if you get a bad response, you have a decision to make. You can pretend the conversation never happened, and hope the audit wraps up quickly. Or you can convey your disappointment by cutting back some/many of the kind things you do for him. Things that make him feel important and loved. 

Ultimately we cannot force our partners to do more, we can however choose to reduce the imbalance by doing less. 





michelle38 said:


> This goes to what enchantment said, some people withdraw with stress, my h does that, and I know it well. But I am human too, and the question is how long does he need to be left alone, and in the meantime can he not be nasty?


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## Dan Carruthers (Jul 14, 2012)

michelle38 said:


> Please, although I do yoga, I do not seek enlightening phrases like these.
> All the men frustrated here because wife is under some stress then should go develop this *synergy* and have female stress and let's see how glorious their nights will be.



---Oh, what a hilarious misinterpretation..Big Girl, I wasn't referring to any damn Yoga at all.nor the male ,female energy Crap or Tantric BS propagated by the Yoga rogues( They have corrupted many a soul by all such propagation).

...

Michelle, Get out of the Yoga Corruptions, (which is sadly rampant) and discern well for your SITUATIONS.

Now


The *SYNERGY* means you need to support him in his crisis, not as of now sexually , but emotionally,intellectually, socially viz in The Psychological Dimension and the Societal Dimensions...
He needs you to share his pains , his hurdles as you can .Stand by him now. go even sleepless , and show u really care.


Thus


Let him not ask you bitterly , "isn't this what you want..?"any more.

Again , let me tell you firmly, for your good

God grant you Serenity of *DISCERNMENT*.


Once , the problems dwindle, by being in synergy, The Glorious Nights will be for both of you, and The Glorious Days will be for your family ....

@Michelle


Remember

"Mere emotional realms are antagonistic to clear reasoning"


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

michelle38 said:


> If your spouse is sick or depressed i can understand. But everyone has stress, financial, job, kids related. if every time something like this happens the h refuses to touch the wife, is that reasonable?


No it is not reasonable.

Sure, major incidents in your life can take their toll. But, these are just part of every day life. Nobody's life is all smooth sailing and if you can't integrate these challenges in such a way that you can continue meeting your responsibilities to your family then you need help.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

DTO said:


> No it is not reasonable.
> 
> Sure, major incidents in your life can take their toll. But, these are just part of every day life. Nobody's life is all smooth sailing and if you can't integrate these challenges in such a way that you can continue meeting your responsibilities to your family then you need help.


I think this would be a timeline thing too. I had a situation at work that severely took its toll on everything in my life. But I was at a loss to remedy it. I was stuck. It ultimately remedied itself, but not before some damage had set in. In my situation, my H knew what was happening and we agreed on a timeline when we would remedy it no matter what (I would quit and suffer other consequences). 

In my case, my H had patience..and we communicated well. This was essentially an everyday stressor. One I could not escape from without some major consequences. 

OP - perhaps you can talk to your H and get a better idea of when this will really be over and adjust your expectations during that time, granted its reasonable..


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