# Wife in limerence?



## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Hello. I believe my wife is in limerence with someone. We’ve been together 11 years and married 5. She met someone at the gym about 3 months ago (never met him before in her life). At first she tried to blame this all on me about her being unhappy and other small things in our marriage until I found out about this new guy she’s emotionally involved with. When I confronted her about it she didn’t want me to tell anyone. Told one of her friends she feels “love”. Said she loves me but not “in love” with me. Now she wants a divorce. We haven’t had any real issues leading up to something like this. She keeps defending this guy over everything and paints a picture of him being “perfect”, said she never felt this way about me and she does about him. I mean how can you say this about someone you’ve literally only known 3 months. 4 months ago she was telling ppl me and her were going to be having a kid. She’s already moved out but she took her wedding dress and all of our wedding photos plus our rings. Does it sound like she’s in a limerence state??


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

If you want to try to stop her affair then make it public. Tell everyone, her family, your family, mutual friends etc. If she’s just a side piece for gym boy then he’ll run a mile. 
But why bother?
If you succeed in halting her affair she will always resent you for destroying her happiness and she will want to mourn her lost love. Why waste time. 
See a lawyer and get a deal drawn up that’s good for you, her limerence will make her sign anything just to be free to pursue gym boy.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Andy1001 said:


> If you want to try to stop her affair then make it public. Tell everyone, her family, your family, mutual friends etc. If she’s just a side piece for gym boy then he’ll run a mile.
> But why bother?
> If you succeed in halting her affair she will always resent you for destroying her happiness and she will want to mourn her lost love. Why waste time.
> See a lawyer and get a deal drawn up that’s good for you, her limerence will make her sign anything just to be free to pursue gym boy.


We are seeing a lawyer today to get the stuff drawn up. I’ve already made it public with gym boy.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

nhraracer said:


> She keeps defending this guy over everything and paints a picture of him being “perfect”, said she never felt this way about me and she does about him.


She and gym boy so richly deserve to have each other..... when the limerence goes away, and she finds out she was nothing but an easy schtup....


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

TJW said:


> She and gym boy so richly deserve to have each other..... when the limerence goes away, and she finds out she was nothing but an easy schtup....


Yeah true. On average how long does limerence last?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. At this point, let her have what she wants...but get back your own wedding ring. She wants it for the money...nope, not fair. Do not let her walk away with all the assets from your marriage.

Let her ruin her life but not yours. Get out and heal. Even if/when she realizes gymboy is no real prize, do not take her back...she will do this to you again. 

I realize you're asking how you can get her back, but really think about if you want someone who could do such a horrible thing to you??? I hope you realize you are worth way more than that. There are TONS of women who are looking for a loyal man, please get some counseling, heal and go find one of them and make her a very happy woman.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

notmyjamie said:


> I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. At this point, let her have what she wants...but get back your own wedding ring. She wants it for the money...nope, not fair. Do not let her walk away with all the assets from your marriage.
> 
> Let her ruin her life but not yours. Get out and heal. Even if/when she realizes gymboy is no real prize, do not take her back...she will do this to you again.
> 
> I realize you're asking how you can get her back, but really think about if you want someone who could do such a horrible thing to you??? I hope you realize you are worth way more than that. There are TONS of women who are looking for a loyal man, please get some counseling, heal and go find one of them and make her a very happy woman.


Thank you. I am past the point of trying to get her back. She is on a whole different level right now.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

nhraracer said:


> Does it sound like she’s in a limerence state??


No, it sounds like she is a cheating ho. 

Stop making excuses for her. 

She is having an affair and leaving her husband. 

Lawyer up and conduct yourself as such.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Sorry you are here NH, its hard to say how long, maybe 6 months maybe a year......will she come crawling back one day.....maybe but then you have to ask yourself do you really want her back.....honestly could you ever trust her again, let alone the fact she has been with him all this time...no i say good riddance, if someone will go behind your back, cheat, then blame shift you, then i expose the hell out of this and move on.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It could last another week or another month or, really, who knows long it will go on. There’s no timetable and it doesn’t really matter at this point.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Is the POS gym-boy married or in a relationship? If so you need to expose to his partner too. Does gym-boy work for the gym? If so, you need to have him fired.

As for your wife, she has seen someone she is lusting after and is pursuing her lust - your typical run-of-the-mill cheat! Limerence is too fancy a word for something this basic. Of course she will make him out to be perfect to justify her bad behaviour, so she'll take limerent over anything else you could be calling her.

If this is limerence this could last (on average according to quotes online) anywhere between 18 months to 3 years! This is how long some marriages last! And it also depends on whether her "love" is requited or not. If it is requited it lasts longer, would you believe! So she needs to act on it to get it out of her system.

However, I go back to this being old fashioned cheating with some hotbody at the gym. You now get to see what kind of morals she has BEFORE you had children which would have made things worse.

Do not give her an easy ride though. Get your ring back, get whatever she took that could be viewed as joint marital property, back. Even if it is just to spite her. As others have told you, prepare for war. Attorney up and remember that she is the enemy now.

Good luck and be strong. There is a positive side to this and in time, you will see it.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

manfromlamancha said:


> Is the POS gym-boy married or in a relationship? If so you need to expose to his partner too. Does gym-boy work for the gym? If so, you need to have him fired.
> 
> As for your wife, she has seen someone she is lusting after and is pursuing her lust - your typical run-of-the-mill cheat! Limerence is too fancy a word for something this basic. Of course she will make him out to be perfect to justify her bad behaviour, so she'll take limerent over anything else you could be calling her.
> 
> ...


He is single for as far as I know. He’s actually a physical therapist assistant lol. The physical therapy place has a gym there. I spoke with the owner of the place yesterday and gave him all the info I have and he said that he would talk to him but I doubt he will actually fire him.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

nhraracer said:


> He is single for as far as I know. He’s actually a physical therapist assistant lol. The physical therapy place has a gym there. I spoke with the owner of the place yesterday and gave him all the info I have and he said that he would talk to him but I doubt he will actually fire him.


So you want them to fire this schmuck because.....?

When does your self respect finally kick in? The woman cheated on you, DESERTED you, disrespected you and your marriage* in every conceivable way*, and you're running around like a desperate floor mat, trying to get her back - and trying to blame her complete **** behavior on "limerance."

Whether it's "limerance" or not, when do you stop making excuses for the *inexcusable* and start respecting yourself?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It may not seem so now, but your wife did you a favor.

How?

She left. 

So often these situations drag out for years, _keeping the betrayed husband in limbo_, while the selfish cheater enjoys the security of a home and the love of a another mans words, his actions, his kisses and his dedicated hands-on-work.

After the divorce, you will get a new life, her _affair partner_ will get a known cheater.

Marriages end all the time. 

It becomes sad when they end due to the _deceit _of one, or the other's part.

People change, some for the worse. 
She did herself a favor, at your expense.


_THRD-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The average salary for a Physical Therapy Assistant (nationwide) is 52K.

He has to have graduated from an accredited PTA school (2 year program) and be licensed by his state.

Having sexual relations with one of his patients/clients likely is a violation of state law.
He could lose his license.

If you get solid proof of his complicity, he could be removed from the states PTA rolls.
Make sure you get this iron clad proof before you go this route.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

nhraracer said:


> Hello. I believe my wife is in limerence with someone. We’ve been together 11 years and married 5. She met someone at the gym about 3 months ago (never met him before in her life). At first she tried to blame this all on me about her being unhappy and other small things in our marriage until I found out about this new guy she’s emotionally involved with. When I confronted her about it she didn’t want me to tell anyone. Told one of her friends she feels “love”. Said she loves me but not “in love” with me. Now she wants a divorce. We haven’t had any real issues leading up to something like this. She keeps defending this guy over everything and paints a picture of him being “perfect”, said she never felt this way about me and she does about him. I mean how can you say this about someone you’ve literally only known 3 months. 4 months ago she was telling ppl me and her were going to be having a kid. She’s already moved out but she took her wedding dress and all of our wedding photos plus our rings. Does it sound like she’s in a limerence state??


It sounds like she is an idiot with squirrels running around in her head.

Get a divorce drawn up as much in your favor as is possible and she will probably sign it.

Get the good deal while this lunatic is in the honeymoon phase of her infidelity.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

OP didn't say this guy is her physical therapist (assistant) and that she is his patient. Only that she met him at that gym. OP also said is an emotional affair. So why are people talking about getting the guy fired? I'm confused here. Also, wife wants a divorce. Why waste time focusing on this guy?


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

SunCMars said:


> The average salary for a Physical Therapy Assistant (nationwide) is 52K.
> 
> He has to have graduated from an accredited PTA school (2 year program) and be licensed by his state.
> 
> ...


So she was never a “patient”. She just joined the gym. I was the one who was a patient at one point.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Livvie said:


> OP didn't say this guy is her physical therapist (assistant) and that she is his patient. Only that she met him at that gym. OP also said is an emotional affair. So why are people talking about getting the guy fired? I'm confused here. Also, wife wants a divorce. Why waste time focusing on this guy?


I don’t believe anything has been physical yet but it doesn’t matter at this point. I know emotional affairs can sometimes be worse than physical ones.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> The average salary for a Physical Therapy Assistant (nationwide) is 52K.
> 
> He has to have graduated from an accredited PTA school (2 year program) and be licensed by his state.
> 
> ...


He didn’t say anything about her being AP’s client, only that he works at the gym. 

He can screw whoever he wants if it is not a current patient/client.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

nhraracer said:


> I don’t believe anything has been physical yet but it doesn’t matter at this point. I know emotional affairs can sometimes be worse than physical ones.


Do you think for one New York minute that this gym boi is going to give her the time of day if there isn’t some tail in it? 

I know this is all a bit of a shock to you and that you are still in a certain degree of denial, but you need to start waking up.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> After the divorce, you will get a new life, her _affair partner_ will get a known cheater.


You are taking the presumption this AP actually wants her and will have her full time once she’s divorced. 

Almost all single other men are in it for the NSA poon that comes with banging WWs. 

If he wanted a full time relationship and wanted to do all those domestic and partnership things with a woman like changing her flat tires, housekeeping chores, rubbing her feet, listening to her problems, hanging out with her friends and family, killing spiders etc, he would get a single girlfriend.

He is banging the OP’s wife because he gets the poon while ‘Racer rubs her feet and kills spiders. 

He won’t want her the moment she starts wanting all those relationship things.

The quickest and easiest way to end an affair between a WW and an OM is to let him have her.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

nhraracer said:


> Yeah true. On average how long does limerence last?


It lasts until they realize they’ve been a fool.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Oh, these gym crushes. I wonder if it's one of her instructors. The gym employees always have to walk a fine line to keep their customers. Some of them get pretty pimpy about it, from what I've heard. 

At 3 months, she doesn't really know him, but what she's feeling is the excitement and hope you feel in the beginning when you don't know them and it's so easy to imagine they are the "perfect" man or woman who lives in your head that doesn't even really exist. 

The thing is, real or not, she's missing that feeling, and it's not something you can talk someone into getting back. Some people like the mature contentment that marriage sometimes turns into and some aren't happy unless they are feeling the spark of excitement that usually is reserved for new relationships. 

He may not even be at all involved with her. She may just be getting carried away thinking there is something there that isn't. He may be more friendly because she's safely married, or he may just be a friendly outgoing guy who attracts people who isn't showing any particular interest specifically at her. But it doesn't matter, because she's missing this in her life and may have to move on and have her freedom. She'll likely end up back in the same boat she's already in, but that's not your problem. Your problem is she's not the contented type, I imagine. Sorry you're going through this. As a woman, I just feel it's an emotional thing to her and out of your control. So look out for yourself. Good luck.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

nhraracer said:


> Yeah true. On average how long does limerence last?


 Usually up to the point of getting served D papers.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

nhraracer said:


> I don’t believe anything has been physical yet but it doesn’t matter at this point. I know emotional affairs can sometimes be worse than physical ones.


Not for getting a single man FIRED it isn't, who isn't professionally working with her. Come on.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

I never said I wanted her back or am trying to keep her. She’s already moved out and living with her brother/sister in law so she’s content until she gets her own place since she’s never paid a bill in her life. No it’s not an instructor, just a PTA who works there. It will be a simple uncontested divorce, we have already agreed on what’s what. How long does a quick divorce usually take?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Just read you are trying to get the PT in trouble. That's really deflecting your anger since you have no idea if he is even complicit in this or it's just all in her head, which is the most likely scenario. Gym and PT people have to put up with people hitting on them all the time and probably hate it. He's probably being professional and she's probably finding him a convenient target. Blame her, not him.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Just read you are trying to get the PT in trouble. That's really deflecting your anger since you have no idea if he is even complicit in this or it's just all in her head, which is the most likely scenario. Gym and PT people have to put up with people hitting on them all the time and probably hate it. He's probably being professional and she's probably finding him a convenient target. Blame her, not him.


No he’s involved in this. The almost 7500 text messages in 2 1/2 weeks proves that. He knows exactly what he’s doing and he’s also told other PT’s at the place as well.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

nhraracer said:


> I never said I wanted her back or am trying to keep her. She’s already moved out and living with her brother/sister in law so she’s content until she gets her own place since she’s never paid a bill in her life. No it’s not an instructor, just a PTA who works there. It will be a simple uncontested divorce, we have already agreed on what’s what. How long does a quick divorce usually take?


It might be pretty quick right now if she is ready to sign. Depends on your state.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

nhraracer said:


> No he’s involved in this. The almost 7500 text messages in 2 1/2 weeks proves that. He knows exactly what he’s doing and he’s also told other PT’s at the place as well.


Okay, then yes, that changes things, but getting rid of him isn't going to make her want to stay in your marriage at all. She's still got the need, and she's who you need to mostly be dealing with and blaming.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Okay, then yes, that changes things, but getting rid of him isn't going to make her want to stay in your marriage at all. She's still got the need, and she's who you need to mostly be dealing with and blaming.


I don’t think he’s confused on that point at all. He merely informed the POS’s employer of what’s happening under his/her roof. As a business owner myself, I’d sure as hell would want to know what shenanigans my employees were up to. It matters to me - as a reflection of bad character and danger what having such an employee could do (has done?) to my business’ reputation. OP did the right thing. I think that’s all he’s going to do on that front & let the chips fall where they may.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Okay, then yes, that changes things, but getting rid of him isn't going to make her want to stay in your marriage at all. She's still got the need, and she's who you need to mostly be dealing with and blaming.


I know it’s not going to make her stay, that’s not my reasons at all. Yes I do blame her mostly in this as well.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

gr8ful1 said:


> I don’t think he’s confused on that point at all. He merely informed the POS’s employer of what’s happening under his/her roof. As a business owner myself, I’d sure as hell would want to know what shenanigans my employees were up to. It matters to me - as a reflection of bad character and danger what having such an employee could do (has done?) to my business’ reputation. OP did the right thing. I think that’s all he’s going to do on that front & let the chips fall where they may.


Pretty much summed it up. I know there will be fallout from it even if I don’t see it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

How long it takes depends on the laws in your state regarding divorce. In some states you can be divorced in 30 days or less but in others you need to be separated for up to a year before filing.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

nhraracer said:


> Hello. I believe my wife is in limerence with someone. We’ve been together 11 years and married 5. She met someone at the gym about 3 months ago (never met him before in her life). At first she tried to blame this all on me about her being unhappy and other small things in our marriage until I found out about this new guy she’s emotionally involved with. When I confronted her about it she didn’t want me to tell anyone. Told one of her friends she feels “love”. Said she loves me but not “in love” with me. Now she wants a divorce. We haven’t had any real issues leading up to something like this. She keeps defending this guy over everything and paints a picture of him being “perfect”, said she never felt this way about me and she does about him. I mean how can you say this about someone you’ve literally only known 3 months. 4 months ago she was telling ppl me and her were going to be having a kid. She’s already moved out but she took her wedding dress and all of our wedding photos plus our rings. Does it sound like she’s in a limerence state??


I think that while its painful now, you are well rid of a person who cant even be faithful for 5 years. Thank goodness you havent had children as yet, it will give you a chance to cut her out of your life completely and eventually meet a lovely lady who does actually believe in the vows she made and have children with her. You have had a lucky escape.
As for her 'relationship', I will give it a year at best. Neither of them have any moral values or decency.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

nhraracer said:


> I never said I wanted her back or am trying to keep her. She’s already moved out and living with her brother/sister in law so she’s content until she gets her own place since she’s never paid a bill in her life. No it’s not an instructor, just a PTA who works there. It will be a simple uncontested divorce, we have already agreed on what’s what. How long does a quick divorce usually take?


Even if she was involved in an EA only, it doesn't matter. She left the home, so to me she's made it clear she doesn't want to work on it, so there's nothing you can really do to work on it. You've done everything in your power, but can't play if a player is missing...You have said that you know this, which is good!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sounds like you don't have kids. At least you dodged that bullet. She was probably looking and he was the first guy that showed up. Some people are just not capable of long term relationships. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. If she comes back one day laugh in her face.

She will get board with Gymboy soon enough. Or Gymboy will get tired of her. I mean 70000 text to a married women - what a prize he is. 

You wife is dumb as a post. She's gonna have a great life. Be glad you didn't transfer any of those "intelligence" genes to your kids.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

sokillme said:


> Sounds like you don't have kids. At least you dodged that bullet. She was probably looking and he was the first guy that showed up. Some people are just not capable of long term relationships. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. If she comes back one day laugh in her face.
> 
> She will get board with Gymboy soon enough. Or Gymboy will get tired of her. I mean 70000 text to a married women - what a prize he is.
> 
> You wife is dumb as a post. She's gonna have a great life. Be glad you didn't transfer any of those "intelligence" genes to your kids.


No we don’t have any kids. Even though she was telling her friends 4 months ago that we were going to start trying 🙄


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

nhraracer said:


> No we don’t have any kids. Even though she was telling her friends 4 months ago that we were going to start trying 🙄


Yeah, you lost a real prize there. Seriously dude. I know you are sad and it's understandable but think about it long term, would you want someone like this to be the mother of your children? You probably got the most out of her you were ever going to get. She is no good to anyone as long term partner, some people just have a shelf life, she reached yours.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I'm confused about "our rings." She took her rings, right? Because you'd be wearing yours.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm confused about "our rings." She took her rings, right? Because you'd be wearing yours.


No she took all of them including mine. I told her I didn’t want them


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

That was dumb. 

At least you could sell your ring or at minimum prevent her from benefitting from her selling it.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> That was dumb.
> 
> At least you could sell your ring or at minimum prevent her from benefitting from her selling it.


I don’t really care at this point. I don’t need the money, she may


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

nhraracer said:


> No she took all of them including mine. I told her I didn’t want them


Oh, okay. Now I get it. But you need to stop just handing her valuable goods before you talk to the attorney because as good as it feels right now, later you'll regret it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

You thinking you're helping the situation by worrying about her needs, before she even says anything, while she's being unfaithful is a primary reason she doesn't appreciate you and will be leaving you.

Sorry to really say it so bluntly but it's hard truth.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Oh, okay. Now I get it. But you need to stop just handing her valuable goods before you talk to the attorney because as good as it feels right now, later you'll regret it.


Yeah I get that but I’m the one who is getting everything. She just got some stuff from the house and her car.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

nhraracer said:


> I don’t really care at this point. I don’t need the money, she may


Just make sure that is in the documentation for the divorce -- if it BECOMES contested, then you want to make sure that the rings assets are on her side of the ledger!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

At this point it is a hard thing, you have to remember any concessions from you, on anything at all, in her mind strengthens her mind that when she's ready she'll change the game on you and any peaceful solutions you are thinking of will go right out the closest window.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

nhraracer said:


> I never said I wanted her back or am trying to keep her. She’s already moved out and living with her brother/sister in law so she’s content until she gets her own place since she’s never paid a bill in her life. No it’s not an instructor, *just a PTA who works there. *It will be a simple uncontested divorce, we have already agreed on what’s what. How long does a quick divorce usually take?


Oops....

If he works there as a paid _Physical Therapy Assistant at the gym,_ then he 'might' be liable.

These state boards are very chary of their reputations.

I thought I read that he was working in his professional capacity somewhere....

..................................................................................................................

I agree, if this is a one-sided emotional affair, and he is guilty of little or nothing then do not go after his license. That is why I initially said to get _iron clad proof_, and not second guessing anything he has done.

I personally would ignore his role in this affair unless he got in my face (or deep under my skin!).

Or, he is 'known' (for sure) to be a serial homewrecker.


_THRD-_ memo: I must dot my eyes and cross my tees.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

A client found this, he dealt with it by bringing OM over to their home, and grilling him as to whether he would like a relationship or not. When put on the spot, OM admitted that all he was after was a roll in the hay. He said that she seemed to be an easy target. She sat quietly and listened as she was described as a piece of meat, and he lavished attention on her because he wanted to see what she looked like naked. When asked what his long term plans were? He said, hey, I have a girlfriend, I just wanted another FWB. OM was thanked for his candor and was shown the door. In short, her OM really just wanted sex, and he was willing to destroy her life to get what he wanted. She heard it in the most unattractive terms, she was basically T & A, nothing more. My client was magnanimous. She got relegated to the basement. This was still a transgression, and she stupidly fell for OM's lines. They have reconciled, she has learned that naivete while cute is dangerous. She no longer takes what is said to her at face value. She no longer socializes at work. She thanks her lucky stars and her deity that her BH caught it in its infancy.

OP, I have dealt with this. Give her six months before she is on your doorstep saying that this was the greatest mistake of her life. I keep repeating a story: My client's WW took off for greener pastures. It decimated him, but she also left the kids and everything else. He picked himself up by his bootstraps, and made a new life. Six months later, a Sunday morning, he gets a knock on his front door. It is his ex, she is looking like an overstuffed sausage and she has tears running down her cheeks, ruining her mascara. She says that she made the biggest mistake of her life. That what she really wanted was him, her children and her old house back. If he could see his way clear....just then another woman comes down the stairs, she is younger, thinner and prettier. She flashes an engagement ring, tells the ex that they are to be married in a few weeks, and no thanks we already gave at the office. The door is slammed shut on the ex WW. The howl of defeat could be heard for miles.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Right on the money.

@taximan good to hear from you!

RR


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

nhraracer said:


> Pretty much summed it up. I know there will be fallout from it even if I don’t see it.


Especially since you were a patient there. You could always tell them you are going to spread the word on the PTA he has working there. Might be bad for business for that to get out.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

This story again, I'm sorry you're going through this. My XWW had an affair with her personal trainer, he was something like 20 years younger. She fell for him but all he was after was sex. Same as @Taxman said. As it turns out, she was one of many 40 something women he was screwing and had a girlfriend. I didn't find out for ten years but the aftermath of that affair is what led to divorce. Every time I speak to her, she keeps telling me that is the biggest regret of her life. I'm happily remarried. Sorry that you're in the club, but there is life after betrayal.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Taxman said:


> A client found this, he dealt with it by bringing OM over to their home, and grilling him as to whether he would like a relationship or not. When put on the spot, OM admitted that all he was after was a roll in the hay. He said that she seemed to be an easy target. She sat quietly and listened as she was described as a piece of meat, and he lavished attention on her because he wanted to see what she looked like naked. When asked what his long term plans were? He said, hey, I have a girlfriend, I just wanted another FWB. OM was thanked for his candor and was shown the door. In short, her OM really just wanted sex, and he was willing to destroy her life to get what he wanted. She heard it in the most unattractive terms, she was basically T & A, nothing more. My client was magnanimous. She got relegated to the basement. This was still a transgression, and she stupidly fell for OM's lines. They have reconciled, she has learned that naivete while cute is dangerous. She no longer takes what is said to her at face value. She no longer socializes at work. She thanks her lucky stars and her deity that her BH caught it in its infancy.
> 
> OP, I have dealt with this. Give her six months before she is on your doorstep saying that this was the greatest mistake of her life. I keep repeating a story: My client's WW took off for greener pastures. It decimated him, but she also left the kids and everything else. He picked himself up by his bootstraps, and made a new life. Six months later, a Sunday morning, he gets a knock on his front door. It is his ex, she is looking like an overstuffed sausage and she has tears running down her cheeks, ruining her mascara. She says that she made the biggest mistake of her life. That what she really wanted was him, her children and her old house back. If he could see his way clear....just then another woman comes down the stairs, she is younger, thinner and prettier. She flashes an engagement ring, tells the ex that they are to be married in a few weeks, and no thanks we already gave at the office. The door is slammed shut on the ex WW. The howl of defeat could be heard for miles.


Would people still like this story if the new woman was the same weight, same attractiveness, and same age as the ex-- but a nicer person? Or is it just all about the looks??


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I'd still like it.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

nhraracer said:


> No he’s involved in this. The almost 7500 text messages in 2 1/2 weeks proves that. He knows exactly what he’s doing and he’s also told other PT’s at the place as well.


well if he does not get fired i bet they have a yelp or google review you can be sure to point out the added benefits of having your wife stolen.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Lostinthought61 said:


> well if he does not get fired i bet they have a yelp or google review you can be sure to point out the added benefits of having your wife stolen.


Stolen??? At a certain point blame should be on the cheating partner, not the single person said cheating partner decided to get involved with.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Livvie said:


> Stolen??? At a certain point blame should be on the cheating partner, not the single person said cheating partner decided to get involved with.


oh i agree, i just point that as an example...the point is to just mention their disgusting behavior.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

nhraracer said:


> Hello. I believe my wife is in limerence with someone. We’ve been together 11 years and married 5. She met someone at the gym about 3 months ago (never met him before in her life). At first she tried to blame this all on me about her being unhappy and other small things in our marriage until I found out about this new guy she’s emotionally involved with. When I confronted her about it she didn’t want me to tell anyone. Told one of her friends she feels “love”. Said she loves me but not “in love” with me. Now she wants a divorce. We haven’t had any real issues leading up to something like this. She keeps defending this guy over everything and paints a picture of him being “perfect”, said she never felt this way about me and she does about him. I mean how can you say this about someone you’ve literally only known 3 months. 4 months ago she was telling ppl me and her were going to be having a kid. She’s already moved out but she took her wedding dress and all of our wedding photos plus our rings. Does it sound like she’s in a limerence state??


lol, I must admit...I had to google "limerence"

Ok, you know 100% she is having a full-blown emotional affair. 
If you want to stay married and have a healthy marriage than that has to stop completely. She can never see or talk to this man again. She'll have to stop going to the gym, join another or whatever it takes and make full amends to you. You have to hit it head on, confront it completely and not settle for her maintaining anything with him. She has to starve all contact with him for any feelings to go away. If she will not and wants to hang on to interaction with him then I'd say it is time to walk away from the marriage. 

You said she wants a divorce. Well, if she is unwilling to turn from her unfaithful ways then you really have no other choice but to divorce her on the grounds of unfaithfulness.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Don't know if this has been said yet but she's likely not the only one in his harem.

A guy sniffing around married women at the gym likely doesn't stop at one. 

Be prepared for her to crawl back crying about her "mistake" when this blows up.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> Don't know if this has been said yet but she's likely not the only one in his harem.
> 
> A guy sniffing around married women at the gym likely doesn't stop at one.
> 
> Be prepared for her to crawl back crying about her "mistake" when this blows up.


Oh yeah but according to her “I don’t know what’s he’s been through”, “I never felt this way about you”. The normal bunch of BS


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

hinterdir said:


> lol, I must admit...I had to google "limerence"
> 
> Ok, you know 100% she is having a full-blown emotional affair.
> If you want to stay married and have a healthy marriage than that has to stop completely. She can never see or talk to this man again. She'll have to stop going to the gym, join another or whatever it takes and make full amends to you. You have to hit it head on, confront it completely and not settle for her maintaining anything with him. She has to starve all contact with him for any feelings to go away. If she will not and wants to hang on to interaction with him then I'd say it is time to walk away from the marriage.
> ...


I didn’t know limerence before all this started either lol. She won’t stop talking to him.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

nhraracer said:


> Oh yeah but according to her “I don’t know what’s he’s been through”, “I never felt this way about you”. The normal bunch of BS


You should record her saying this -- because when it all blows up in her face and she tries to get back with you, you can play THAT back to her.
Tell her "why would I ever want to get back with THAT"!


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

nhraracer said:


> He is single for as far as I know. He’s actually a physical therapist assistant lol. The physical therapy place has a gym there. I spoke with the owner of the place yesterday and gave him all the info I have and he said that he would talk to him but I doubt he will actually fire him.


If he's actually a licensed physical therapist and she was seeing him for professional services, you could make some trouble for him by reporting him to his licensing board.

You will likely anger her, so if it is to your strategic advantage in the divorce to keep her from becoming enraged, you may wish until the divorce is finalized to pull the trigger on this action. But I would probably due it out of sheer desire for revenge.

Update---ok, I saw the subsequent posts saying she might not have been a patient. But you could still make trouble for him. I probably would in your position.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Such focus on the PT dude instead of the cheating wife.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Livvie said:


> Such focus on the PT dude instead of the cheating wife.


Yep!

There would simply be absolutely no marital infidelity, if married people didn't choose to cheat on their spouses.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

nhraracer said:


> Pretty much summed it up. I know there will be fallout from it even if I don’t see it.


I would suggest writing a review of the gym after the divorce papers are signed.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

ABHale said:


> I would suggest writing a review of the gym after the divorce papers are signed.


Your mean because _his wife choose to_ engage in extreme texting with a single man she met there?


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I quote the thin and pretty line as it was shoved in my face. Later that week my client's ex presented herself at his solicitor's office. She was angry and belligerent. Her plans were foiled. She had her fling, and it was apparent that OM could not give her the life she had with her husband and kids. The sex was nice, but she spent six months with OM broke, and not really enjoying the thrill the affair held while she was married and sneaking around. She wanted the divorce invalidated. She kept repeating that his new fiance was an insult to her. How dare he go off and be happy with someone else. She kept it just below a threat level otherwise it would have behooved us to tell the police. She ended up crashing the wedding, and sobbing loudly as if she had been the betrayed party. Her ex's brother asked her to leave, politely.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Your mean because _his wife choose to_ engage in extreme texting with a single man she met there?


I’m not pointing the blame to someone else. You’re right, she chose to do this.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

And what’s crazy is 4 months ago she was telling ppl we were going to try and have a kid. LOL what. How do you go from that to what you are doing now???


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

nhraracer said:


> And what’s crazy is 4 months ago she was telling ppl we were going to try and have a kid. LOL what. How do you go from that to what you are doing now???


Thats probably around the time she started having sex with the OM.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

nhraracer said:


> And what’s crazy is 4 months ago she was telling ppl we were going to try and have a kid. LOL what. How do you go from that to what you are doing now???


She may have been saying that to cover her tracks if she turned up preggers with the OM.

And yes, some people are that devious and calculating. 

It’s not uncommon for for a WW to reject her BH sexually for months or even years and then screw him out of the blue once she starts getting with the OM in case she gets knocked up. 

If she screws BH around the same time as OM, she can try to pass off the offspring as the BH’s so he can pay for it and babysit while she plays with OM.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> She may have been saying that to cover her tracks if she turned up preggers with the OM.
> 
> And yes, some people are that devious and calculating.
> 
> ...


Okay so what is OM, BH and WW?


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

OM ... Other Man.
BH ... Betrayed Husband.
WW ... Wayward (or Wandering) Wife


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Well, I see that folks are still as sensitive as ever to those going through one of the most painful and stressful events one can endure. Please stop with the criticism or retroactive wishful thinking of him or his circumstances. 

Affair is relatively young, and she went deep, fast. He has his outcome. They are divorcing. A little support and sympathy, rather than referring to the woman he is still married to as wh()re, or calling him stupid because he doesn't care about his wedding ring might be in order.

@nhraracer it looks like this saga is pretty much played out. The less you can focus your energy on her and what she is thinking/doing/feeling, and the more you can focus on what you are thinking/doing/feeling, the better. Lots of betrayed tend to perseverate on the betrayal and everything that goes with it. It's wasted energy. Changes nothing about what is going on, and it only holds you back. You know everything you need to know, and have made your decision. Those are good things.

The next part involves you looking after yourself. Dealing with any grief, anger, confusion. Family, friends or therapists is the remedy there. Then ... decide what you want your new life to look like, and how you want to conduct yourself within it. Trust me, it's empowering.

Let us know what you need, or if you have any questions.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Deejo said:


> Well, I see that folks are still as sensitive as ever to those going through one of the most painful and stressful events one can endure. Please stop with the criticism or retroactive wishful thinking of him or his circumstances.
> 
> Affair is relatively young, and she went deep, fast. He has his outcome. They are divorcing. A little support and sympathy, rather than referring to the woman he is still married to as wh()re, or calling him stupid because he doesn't care about his wedding ring might be in order.
> 
> ...


Thank you


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

nhraracer said:


> Thank you


Remember this @nhraracer you are under no obligation to take all or any of the advice posted here and it’s a sign of your own morality that you haven’t joined in with the people who are calling your wife names. 
She’s still your wife at least for now.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Andy1001 said:


> Remember this @nhraracer you are under no obligation to take all or any of the advice posted here and it’s a sign of your own morality that you haven’t joined in with the people who are calling your wife names.
> She’s still your wife at least for now.


Thank you


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Would people still like this story if the new woman was the same weight, same attractiveness, and same age as the ex-- but a nicer person? Or is it just all about the looks??


A nicer lady always looks better, after the first storm.
They weather, better.

Boobs are boobs, waist lines are but small potatoes compared to an honest-to-goodness smile.

You can screw a good figure, but most men would rather make love and hold on tight to a beautiful soul.

A good heart and mind is ageless.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

nhraracer said:


> Oh yeah but according to her “I don’t know what’s he’s been through”, *“I never felt this way about you”*. The normal bunch of BS


How harmful, this statement.

What did you do to deserve this?

She did NOT have to say this, but did.

She could have said so many things, such as, I fell out of love with you, this feeling for my AP just happened, our marriage got stale, I am sorry for feeling this way....

Nope.
*I never loved you much*, is what she offered up as your reward for all those years you two had together.

She had no intention of sparing your feelings.

She may be that person who is totally lacking in empathy or introspection, maybe she is just selfish and mean.
Or, just plain desperate....and dumb.

She went-a-lookin' and found her soul mate.

They exist.


Take her at her word.
Let her live with her words, let her live on her own, and let her live without you.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

nhraracer said:


> Thank you





nhraracer said:


> And what’s crazy is 4 months ago she was telling ppl we were going to try and have a kid. LOL what. How do you go from that to what you are doing now???


What was her response to this when you asked her?


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

hinterdir said:


> lol, I must admit...I had to google "limerence"
> 
> Ok, you know 100% she is having a full-blown emotional affair.
> If you want to stay married and have a healthy marriage than that has to stop completely. She can never see or talk to this man again. She'll have to stop going to the gym, join another or whatever it takes and make full amends to you. You have to hit it head on, confront it completely and not settle for her maintaining anything with him. She has to starve all contact with him for any feelings to go away. If she will not and wants to hang on to interaction with him then I'd say it is time to walk away from the marriage.
> ...


I had to google it too..lol. But you know what, I think a lot of people who cheat have limerence...opened my eyes.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

manfromlamancha said:


> What was her response to this when you asked her?


I didn’t say anything to her about that


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Such focus on the PT dude instead of the cheating wife.


Not from me, I blame her. Period. I still can't understand why my ex-wife did what she did with so much to lose. But hey, I have a failed marriage under my belt so I know that I'm not perfect in any way. My chosen career + a wife who couldn't handle it = cheating. Ironically now she would take me back in a heartbeat. With my second wife, there's something about being with someone who experienced a similar trama that makes a strong bond. @nhraracer focus your energy on yourself. I cut out the rest of my response because I was overly harsh to my ex-wife, I still respect her as the mother of our children. But there is life after moving on from a cheater, I can attest to that and have the "receipts" to prove it. You will make it, but it's a journey. Your life has fundamentally changed and will take a fundamentally different way of thinking about your way forward.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i don't get it.
I get hungry, and i want to eat the entire cake, with icecream AND chocolate sauce on top. but i do not because i will get fat and it is bad for me.

after a tough day at the office i want a drink. So after i take one, i probably could easily down two or three more, but i don't because all the alcohol is bad for me.

and so on.

So, if someone is flirting with me, and i get this "limerence" thing happening....why not CHOOSE with my active mind to NOT do it...because it would be bad for my marriage? It really is that simple. just snap the hell out of the fog!


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Such focus on the PT dude instead of the cheating wife.


I agree that this is all on the cheating wife. It is her marriage.

I also understand that the PT knows she is married and is contributing to the affair. He deserves to have his world blown to hell.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

nhraracer said:


> I didn’t say anything to her about that


Why not?


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

manfromlamancha said:


> Why not?


She had already moved out by then


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

G01ngPaga1 said:


> I am in a broken marriage myself. It's been 3yrs since she's moved out and although we're not legally separated or divorced, we're just separated for now.
> 
> Desperate to find answers, I stumbled on marriagehelper.c0m. Although, our issue(s) seem to be different, the 3 part podcasts on Limerence is absolutely amazing.
> 
> Limerence almost always ends. 99% of the time, it definitely ends. Please go to the website and find the 3 part Podcast and listen to it carefully on how it begins, how it grows, and how it crash lands.


@G01ngPaga1, NOT being officially separated may be an issue for you -- what if she runs up a ton of debt? YOU could be liable for some of that and it could wreck YOUR credit scores. Also, if she got into an accident and is sued, YOU could be party to that.
Is there any reason you haven't at least officially separated? You may want to talk with a lawyer about that.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

jlg07 said:


> @G01ngPaga1, NOT being officially separated may be an issue for you -- what if she runs up a ton of debt? YOU could be liable for some of that and it could wreck YOUR credit scores. Also, if she got into an accident and is sued, YOU could be party to that.
> Is there any reason you haven't at least officially separated? You may want to talk with a lawyer about that.


It's Spam


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

I learned a new word today..Limerance


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

nhraracer said:


> Hello. I believe my wife is in limerence with someone. We’ve been together 11 years and married 5. She met someone at the gym about 3 months ago (never met him before in her life). At first she tried to blame this all on me about her being unhappy and other small things in our marriage until I found out about this new guy she’s emotionally involved with. When I confronted her about it she didn’t want me to tell anyone. Told one of her friends she feels “love”. Said she loves me but not “in love” with me. Now she wants a divorce. We haven’t had any real issues leading up to something like this. She keeps defending this guy over everything and paints a picture of him being “perfect”, said she never felt this way about me and she does about him. I mean how can you say this about someone you’ve literally only known 3 months. 4 months ago she was telling ppl me and her were going to be having a kid. She’s already moved out but she took her wedding dress and all of our wedding photos plus our rings. Does it sound like she’s in a limerence state??


Without reading any more posts in this thread, why are you still with her?

She's cheating.
End
Of
Story

Divorce her. Let her be with the perfect man she found at the gym.

Write off this marriage as a very bad investment.
Learn from this mistake.
Move on to a woman that has bit more class and maturity.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Livvie said:


> OP didn't say this guy is her physical therapist (assistant) and that she is his patient. Only that she met him at that gym. OP also said is an emotional affair. So why are people talking about getting the guy fired? I'm confused here. Also, wife wants a divorce. Why waste time focusing on this guy?


Because this guy is banging his wife and he’s rightly pissed about it?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

This is 2 yrs old


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Divinely Favored said:


> This is 2 yrs old


Doh!

Make sure you're not tired when you see a post that looks interesting


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