# General Advice for this particular "Sub-Forum"



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I read a book following my divorce - "Divorce and New Beginnings." It was thee one and only one I read. . .digested it, used 10-20% of it, whatever etc.

It gave a warning and forgive me if I am off by the statistics a bit, b/c this is from memory (I donated it to the library).

Something like 1 in 4 or 1 in 5 people 10 years following a divorce are still reeling emotionally from it. (I think men particularly reel financially from it until emancipation so that's a different subject). About the same number re-marry the ex. I remember startled with how many people are there.

Reading some of the posts in other threads. . .well, no one in particular but I feel like a lot of you out there are still carrying hurt and pain. (maybe guilty as charged too. . .I am not trying to sound preachy).

Just be careful about that and a little (but overly much) self-analysis on that to take corrective action.

Even if you were a lot at fault, you still deserve to move on and have a happy life.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I don't think it's weird that someone still reels from the pain of divorce after the fact. And I agree that we all deserve to be happy, of course! - but being married to someone creates a different kind of bond - it makes it a totally different relationship than, say, someone you just casually dated or had a fling with.

So to me, it would be more weird to *not* be affected by it later. 

But I also have never been one of those people who jumps from relationship to relationship and I don't get how some people go from one serious relationship to another. Or get married quickly again to someone new after a divorce. To me, that is unfathomable. I'm simply not wired that way.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I see, it to, but never thought much about it because it's normal. I'd be more surprised if everyone was cavalier about it.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I totally agree that a marital relationship is completely different. 

I was "sabotaged" once in a work setting-totally blindsided by an unscrupulous co-worker. I protected my work more efficiently after that but I don't really think it scared me much. Maybe its because we don't put the kind of emotional investment in that type of relationship.

The deceit and betrayal I experienced in my marriage will undoubtedly stay with me longer than I care to admit, no matter how much I want to believe I am healing.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Scannerguard said:


> About the same number re-marry the ex. I remember startled with how many people are there.


I've read this is more common than people think.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I often feel that after 2.5 years, I should be "fully recovered" - but I'm not. I'm not where I thought I would be.

I've made some decent financial progress - but I'm still struggling socially and emotionally.


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

nice777guy said:


> I often feel that after 2.5 years, I should be "fully recovered" - but I'm not. I'm not where I thought I would be.
> 
> I've made some decent financial progress - but I'm still struggling socially and emotionally.


Respect and love yourself enough to give yourself whatever time and space you need to recover.

ANY recovery is good.
Even if it's just a little bit each day.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> I often feel that after 2.5 years, I should be "fully recovered" - but I'm not.


There is no "should," Nice. You can't put a timeline on getting over divorce. 

Hell. I am not sure some of us fully recover from it. Time doesn't heal all wounds. It's kind of like a scar that stays with you, you know? At least that has been my experience.



SamuraiJack said:


> Respect and love yourself enough to give yourself whatever time and space you need to recover.
> 
> ANY recovery is good.
> Even if it's just a little bit each day.


:iagree: Great advice, Samurai.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I don't have any financial ramifications from my divorce luckily because she was guilt ridden from the affair and I had leverage to prevent her from getting alimony. Emotionally I can admit that I am scared for life about love and relationships and that will never go away.

It's hard for me to imagine that anyone gets back with and remarries their x. I swear on my kids that would never ever happen with me


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> I don't have any financial ramifications from my divorce luckily because she was guilt ridden from the affair and I had leverage to prevent her from getting alimony. Emotionally I can admit that I am scared for life about love and relationships and that will never go away.
> 
> It's hard for me to imagine that anyone gets back with and remarries their x. I swear on my kids that would never ever happen with me


This is my achilles heel.
I made an agreement with myself when I was younger that I would never have "that kind of marriage" and it worked against me in my marriage.

With the right combination of buttons and events, I could fall into that trap.

But I am also actively working to change my buttons...


----------



## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> But I also have never been one of those people who jumps from relationship to relationship and I don't get how some people go from one serious relationship to another. Or get married quickly again to someone new after a divorce. To me, that is unfathomable. I'm simply not wired that way.


Some are..and they are certainly not spending so much time on a forum like this. Also I doubt "leavers" would spend so much time on here either.


----------



## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

Scannerguard said:


> Something like 1 in 4 or 1 in 5 people 10 years following a divorce are still reeling emotionally from it. (I think men particularly reel financially from it until emancipation so that's a different subject). About the same number re-marry the ex. I remember startled with how many people are there.


Are you sure if it's possible to remarry their ex? seems like a retrograde step..or a mystery.


----------



## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> The deceit and betrayal I experienced in my marriage will undoubtedly stay with me longer than I care to admit, no matter how much I want to believe I am healing.


I'm sure that's a general sentiment many of us share on a site like this.


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Hey, sorry to initially post and run. I am working a kind of sleepy day today at a hospital so I have the internet for company.

I didn't mean to sound accusatory if I came across that way, like "Gee, you should all be A-OK 3 years post-divorce."

I was just explaining what I have heard about "risk factors."

Hey, and sometimes I think I'm not there either, mainly because I HAVE to deal with her with co-parenting and that depresses me - she's in my life now for another 20 years. She is so caustic sometimes I even think "I don't want to go to any kid's wedding where she is going to be there."

Just to send a message - it's you. YOU. (I know that hurts the kid but when I do that thought experiment, I think it out - why would I want to be there with her? It's not any fun for me and I dont' want them to think about seating arrangements so I'll just go to the ceremony and forget the reception).

So yeah, it's a shame. . .you become legally "divorced" but you really, with kids, can't "divorce yourself" of the other completely.

I completely get it why some guys just take off. Just take off.

Now, that said, other than dealing with the post-reminants of her, I think I am pretty good.


----------



## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

Last month for the first time I was asked my marital status for a medical form, and it was like I took a bullet. "Divorced" came out of my mouth and a pang was felt in my heart. 

I - like many here are adjusting and dealing with an ex who has moved on to yet another relationship and seems to be "happy" while I struggle with so many emotions, financial burdens, work stress and wrapping up the last of the legal forms. I hope to God I can find a new happiness in my life regardless if it is a passion for a cause, hobby or relationship. Right now I am living day to day and healing.


----------



## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

SOmetimes I wonder if I should be farther along than I am now but when your entire world gets turned upside down it does take time to adjust for the left behind spouse. Losing my family, losing my house, changing jobs to a new community, debt, missing out on time with my kid, more debt....THat's a lot to digest and it takes a long time to rebuild. This isn't like when we were younger and could meet others so easily. Plus, when I don't have my daughter I work extra hours trying to pay off the debt. 

I forget to give myself some slack at times. When you watch your ex leave one marriage and immediately move to another it is a hard pill to swallow. The progress for myself is there...Just slow going.


----------

