# How do you know for sure?



## Chilled (Jun 4, 2011)

My husband and I have been playing with the separation/divorce idea for months now (about 6). There was a time when my husband kept saying that we should separate despite the therapist telling us that was the beginning of the end. This last month or so I have been the one to say separation is the way to go. We love each other deeply and that is why it is so hard to do. We just know that we can't help each other to the happiness that we have always wanted. 
The frustrating part is that when he is ready I am not and when I am ready he is not. I'm about to move out and he is asking for more time. He tells me not to go. It's hard to just get out because we have been having sex that has been initiated by him and that has been what we've been lacking for years. The term "too little, too late" seems to fit the feeling. I've been really hurt by his lack of desire for me and now, right before I leave, he is all of the sudden ready for sex. He tells me that I have a knew glow about me that he hadn't seen forever and it is because we've decided to move on. Then I have days like this where I feel that I'm giving up on my one true love. He gets me on a level that I feel no body else could. 
There are other problems though. He is highly religious and, though I was too when we first were married, I have decided that religion isn't for me and now I drink a little. This isn't part of his lifestyle at all and so I never feel okay going out with him when I want to drink because he'll just be disappointed and definitely won't kiss me because I smell like alcohol. It's not a huge deal, but something I'd like to have fun doing with my spouse and can't. I don't know if there is something in the air, but men have been showing me sexual attention on a level I've not felt since before I met my husband. It is really hard to be undesirable to my husband then some perfect stranger or a friend shows there complete attraction to me. What the hell! I can only resist so much and I don't want to have an affair. Almost like I'm trying hard to get out of the house before I do have an affair. My husband is a great guy and he doesn't deserve that. I feel more full of life and energy the closer I am to leaving him, but also feel like there will be great hole left in my heart where he once lived. 
How do I know for sure that I am making the right choice?


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## InFlux (Oct 30, 2011)

Do you have kids? If not I'd say get out for sure. You both seem to want it and are wasting time trying to cope with the reality. It seems to me you're more afraid of the unknown and are very comfortable with the known. If you have kids you really need to do some soul searching because there are now other people in the mix that have no say in the matter...


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

It's unlikely that your endeavor into the unknown will gain you much in terms of life-long happiness. Life-long happiness comes from within and no man in the world could ever bring it to you. 

You need to come to terms with your feelings for your husband and he does too. If you truly love each other, it has to convert to an unconditional state where the two of you are ready to give everything up for each other without much hesitation. At its peak it feels like you are ready to dedicate your whole self to the well being of your partner.

I'm experiencing that feeling right now while my wife has left me and wants nothing to do with me. I wonder how I would feel if she actually changed her mind and came back to me. Perhaps something even better. I know for sure that I have already forgiven her for hurting me. Now I just want to love her. Doesn't matter what she wants. I can't control that. 

Try to see the little child that lives inside him. Tell him to try to do the same. It's always easier to love the innocent part of people unconditionally. Everyone has it. Even serial killers have an innocent child inside them that reveals itself from time to time. Try to find that child and love him for who he is regardless of what happens in the future.

Once that love is established it's hard to let it go just for temporary temptation. Temptation is always there, but pure love is rarely experienced by humans. Which one would you hold on to?


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