# How do you get your husband to do things?



## crazy4alero (Dec 22, 2008)

Hello all - I am new here and have a little problem. I have been married since May of this year. I love my husband exept for one thing - he is very lazy. Lazy to the point that he drove around in a snow storm to find a snow blower so he wouldn't have to shovel. He didn't find one so he actually paid his friend to shovel our driveway! We have unfinished projects at home. It seems that whenever I ask him to do something, I get a big SIGH and he says he will do it later. I usually end up doing it because he "forgets". I have tried to talk to him about this but he says that I stress him out, that I'm a ***** and a nag. I hardly ask him for anything anymore because it is soo annoying! I am not the most motivated person in the world but I get stuff done in a timely manner. How can I talk to him about this without him flipping out on me again? I want a husband, not a child....... Any suggestions? Thanks all!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

if you keep nagging him, he wont do it, and you will create a parent-child relationship. If that's not what you want, then stop nagging him.

You can say he is lazy, or one might also say you're too uptight. You're attitude will only offend him. 

He doesnt have to do what you want him to do just because you want him to do it. No more then you have to start being like him. 

you guys can come to a compromise, but you're going to have to change your attitude towards him first.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

crazy4alero-

Does he work? Does he support you?

Does it really matter if he is lazy? We're all going to die eventually, and no matter what you've built up on earth, as far as we know, it gets left behind.

You must have been attracted to him in the first place, why the change of mind now?


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Mark,

I can sort of see the feelings of anger, having dealt with this myself (VERY recently as you of all people know! 

Being a guy who has had 7 years of time to lay around in the recliner while my wife did all of the domestics, I have seen first hand how aggrivating and how stressful it can be when a mother has to come home and not only take care of the kids, but also the Husband.

I fully at this time realize that just because I work does not give me the license to not be part of the "Home team". No, I don't like to do anything that involves me getting up, but I suspect that my wife doesn't like it either.

My laziness was a large part of what pushed my wife to the brink and to eventually cheat on me. I had to re-evaluate my circumstances, think about why I married her in the first place and then come to the painful conclusion that I had better turn it around or I was going to lose the best thing I had ever been blessed with.

my wife "Broke up" with me 3 weeks ago and cited my laziness as a large part of the problem. She indicated that she didn't want to be a nag and a bit**, so it was just easier to go do whatever it was that needed done on her own without even bothering to ask me to do it.

At the end of the day, she wasn't a nag and a bit**, but that didn't stop her from being angry about having to be the maid.

I am a guy... Not much I can do about that. I am one of those guys who don't take hints, and don't respond to complaining. For me, it took her informing me that we would be separating to get my attention.

It took less than 2 weeks to self-reflect, see the error of my ways and re-invent myself. She sees me, likes what she sees and we are back together.

I am not telling you to go and break it off with him, but that is what it took for me to open my eyes. (Just please don't cheat in the process! It truly changes everything.)


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I am currently finishing our basement which is 4 large rooms including a bathroom, plus a hallway, stairwell, and 3 closets for other things.

Now, that means I had to frame it out, insulate it, seal it, sheet rock it, mud it, prime it, paint it, .... I am currently putting up the drop ceiling which is quite a pain by yourself, then I will put engineered floating hardwood floors and tile in the basement, plus new entry doors and internal doors. All of this is costing probably about $50,000 and it is going on 2 years, becuase I also work, I run our HOA, I ran my HS 20 Yr reunion, Plus I coach 2 soccer teams....So I have alot on my plate.

Now my wife has a full time job as well and we have 3 kids, which means we have a messy house, and they ahve ruined the living room rug and couch. But I will not buy anything new until my basement is finished.

So part of the issue is my wife foes not help me with the projects and is usually the laziest one in our house, IE shoes in living room "after a hard day at work" just like me.

I can call this laziness as well that she can't clean up after herself same for my children. I often have to throw a tirade every few months to get everyone back into shape.

My wife was off from work the other day, I found out she played a PC game all day long, the kids breakfast dishes were on the table still, house a mess....nothing done.

So it works both ways, I've communicated my displeasure when she sits on the PC all day and gts nothing done. If she did a load of sishes in the machine or laundry and played the PC while doing so, I wuld be fine. But she doesn't.

So we all have these issues and sorry for my rant.

Maybe you should help your husband with some projects, or maybe try to do them yourself? Take the bull by the horns and get the job done, if your hubby see's you attempting to do the work yourself, he might help you out, projects are better as a couple anyway.

Plus just a FYI...there will ALWAYS be something to do around a house, just to maintain one takes alot of energy and no one person can do it alone. I have to enlist my children to help out, they get paid for helping me out, but not all the time, depends on the job.

Next weekend it is raking and getting the yard cleaned up.....its a "family" project...all hands on deck.

Do it together, not just him, ask him to show you how to do things be willing to work with him, not nag him.

On the nagging note...My wife did not like the way I cut the "first room" ceiling tiles that needed to be altered, So I said, OK, this is how you cut them....Now honey it is your job to cut them, she didn't like that reply, but I haven't cut a tile since and 3 rooms are waiting for her "input"....lol


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Thank you Moogvo! finally a man that gets it!!!!!!!!!Halleluja! I agree with Moogvo, no one person should have to do everything in a household. Whether the man works and wife is at home, both work outside the home, or man stays at home while the wife works... it's a team effort. Really, if couples would stop putting such stringent roles on what men and women should do, and see that its' really just a team effort and that there are certain things that just have to get done, no matter what, then there might not be as much fighting about chores, and the lazy spouse might be a thing of the past. Mind, you I'm not saying that sometimes it's not the woman who is the lazy one. Neither partner should take advantage of the other. Moogvo, I'm sorry it came to a head like it did with you, but the fact that you realized what a blessing your wife was, and that she was silently building resentment, shows how mature, articulate, and observant you are. 
Let's be honest, either a woman is a nag for asking her man to help, or she keeps silent, does it all herself, and gets silently angry, building up resentment for years till it explodes. There are couples out there that share the work. I am blessed to have my hubby, and I guess I didn't realize how lucky I am till reading some things on here, that make me want to appreciate him all the more. He helps me, whenever I ask him to, and usually with a smile. Even if it's something that I've nicely requested he do (such as work on my car, take out the trash, help me wash the dogs... ) he doesn't get pissed at me, and understands that I'm only asking for help, because I need it. Taking care of a house, kids, pets, and finances, is a lot of work. And I am in charge of all of these, as I stay at home and he works outside the home, but he knows full well that I can't do it all, all the time. So , he helps me whenever I need it. 

Really it's a give and take. While he worked on his last degree an Eds, I had to bear the brunt of most of the kids and household chores, all the time, because he simply did not have time to help, as he was constantly writing papers and doing research. So, we kept on plugging, and now he's graduated, and things are back to normal. It's just a give and take, plain and simple.... 
I will say however , that I do Not let him help with laundry!!! haha.... I have a suspicion that he doesn't mind that too much. He turns everything pink or grey.... but even still he will offer to help with the laundry sometimes, if he sees that I have piles of it to do. He's a sweetheart.... Listen to Moogvo people,,,,,, wise up!


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Wow! thanks for the vote of confidence! Now I have to get back to my domestic duties! LOL!


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## imalostperson (Dec 30, 2008)

I am in the same boat as you Moogvo, except that I am the wife...and my husband is lazy. Like everyone said its a team effort to keep the house clean, but when it seems like one spouse is doing it all, its hard not to build up anger and resentment. I also try hard not to nag my husband becuase I am not his mother. And I have gotten to the point where I am just not going to ask anymore because I know I will just be disappointed. We bought a house almost 2 years ago, started on the bathroom 2 years ago and it still isn't finished. It finally came out in counseling the other day that the bathroom is not a priority for him. We made the decision together to buy this house and fix it up and now I wonder why the he!! we bought it. Now I am not one of those women who let him do all the work. We completely gutted it and I was right there with him tiling and grouting the floor and shower. I did the drywall repair work. I have done all the wall & ceiling texturing and painting, including the trim which has been painted for 1-1.5 months ready to be cut and put up but it is still sitting in the garage. And if I knew how to use a table saw I would be out there doing it myself. After cauling around the tub it started to peal away - instead of re-doing it he hung plastic up from ceiling to the floor tub so water doesn't get behing the tiles. So much for enjoying that nice tile job, its been that way for about 2 weeks now. He lost his job 2 months ago, even though he was home 24/7 (he did not leave the house to look for a job, only on the internet) do you think he played house husband? Nope, I did all the vacuuming, mopping dusting etc. when I was home on the weekends. Its very hard not to get frustrated no matter what the reasons were that you married for.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

imalostperson,

I can totally relate as I have played the role of your husband in my marriage for the last 7 years. When it came to building projects, we have done reasonably well. She enjoys building projects and we work well together. She takes direction well and is eager to learn. I also know that I don't necessarily have the right answers either.

here is a picture of the deck we built together last spring - Just the two of us, and this was my first project since getting out of the wheel chair:










The thing is, that sometimes us guys have to be hit with a brick in order to see that we are not performing up to par. hints and nags will not do anything for the situation but cause hard feelings and anger in the end. You have read what it took for me to realize the problem I was having, and I was the type of guy who would have put the plastic up n the shower too.

The important thing is that you both have to talk to each other without losing your cool and you need to make it clear that you don't want to have to be his mother, and that you married him to be part of a team. 

Through my research, I have found that this is not an uncommon problem at all, but the approach to the fix is going to be different in each case. For me, it took my belief that I was going to lose my family in a week or less with a 100% guarantee. That might not be your answer, but I am sure that if he UNDERSTANDS how you feel, he would desire to be a bit more pleasing.

Don't empower him to do what he is doing by doing it all yourself, he will get the idea that it doesn't matter to you whether he does it or you do it. For me, it took my wife telling me that she did not love me and had no feelings for me anymore, and that she didn't think she could ever have those feelings for me. Followed by 2 weeks of total isolation and finally an admission of infidelity on her part to make me realize the magnitude of the beast I had helped to create. Hopefully it doesn't take THAT much to get your husband on board.

If it helps, print off my story and show it to him. Tell him that you don't want your marriage to come to that, but that it is getting close... Maybe that will be enough to encourage him to re-join the team and to be the husband you deserve.


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## imalostperson (Dec 30, 2008)

It is getting close to your situation, while he finally found a job and that takes a little stress off the situation, it doesn't make everything else go away. I have been toying with the idea of staying at my dads and taking a break from the relationahip for a while now. I just might print your story off and show it to him.

ETA: Nice deck by the way!


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Thanks! We are greatly enjoying it in our renewed relationship! 

here is my whole story in another thread here. Bear in mind that a lot of it was written while I was on the emotional rollercoaster.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...n/3372-my-wife-doesn-t-share-my-feelings.html


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