# Should I stay or should i go..



## uncharted (Oct 1, 2009)

Hi all, Not sure where to start but here goes. I know my W for 24 months and we have been married 6 months. We fell in love to quickly or maybe lust? Anyway i moved into her house very shortly after we met. We both work full time and split the bills. So everything looks good right? Wrong. 8 weeks before we married my W was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had the lump removed before the marraige. She caught it very early thank God. She has had all the treatment now and is in recovery. I have been with her every step of the way, to the clinics, hospitals, taking her to hospital in the night when she was sick because of chemo etc. 

However my W is a control freak. My one and only passion was to play video games. I don't gamble, I don't go to parties, I don't do drugs. I do everything she asks of me like do all the DIY inside and outside the house. I help her clean etc etc. All our money goes into one account etc. We go out for dinners together, weekend breaks etc. The problem is before we married she was quite happy for my to play my games and she even bought me games. I work in a job where i can get stressed from time to time and i would unwind by playing my video games. Now don't get me wrong here, i would not play them all the time. Maybe an evening here or an evning there only after everything else was done in the house and there were no other plans.
However 3 months into the marraige she has forbiddin me ever to play them again and said it was either the games or the marraige. By the way we don't have kids. So I have had to through out my library of games and my system to keep her happy. She tells me to get another hobby. But i enjoyed the hobby i had. Now i am not perfect and on occassion i did play to much. I apologised for this over and over again. But no joy. She like photography so i bought her an expensive camera early in our relationship. Now she wants to buy a bigger one and says she will save up for it.
She tells me to grow up and that games are only for kids.

The problem is i resent her for demanding i change my lifestyle for her in this way. Now we agreed that i would only play on some days but one evening she was out and i decided to play and when she came back and caught me she went mad.
We have gone to counselling because of this.
I think we married to quickly and that we did not know each other. We are both mid 30's.

Any advise as we are both not happy. ??
I am already thinking divorse and went to see a lawyer to get advise.
I cringe when i think i must spend my life with this person.

Or am I a very bad person to be even thinking like this.?


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## Kessandra (Dec 4, 2009)

Your one and only passion is to play video games? 

Really?

I am laughing a bit, forgive me, I am female and I like video games, I still play and I even have a comic book collection! LOL.

If I understand correctly, you did come to an agreement about your play time and she caught you violating that agreement.

I assume that is her issue, and a valid one. You agreed, and you didn't stick to that. I don't think you should be banned from playing but reach a compromise and STICK to it.

Playing is very isolating to the person who isn't. Even though I play I used to have an ex who played as well and he got rather obsessive about it, every evening after work for hours etc.

I don't think that is healthy to be honest. Your comment that this is "your one and ONLY passion"??

When you are 80 and nearing your end, is that what you want to think you spent your life doing??? 

I am being serious here. You are in a marriage now, been through some tough stuff, and building intimacy in the long run is important.

I would start with agreeing to a time for playing and then sticking to it. You said it helps you unwind, fair enough, how about picking up some other hobbies, maybe ones you can share? Pictures you mentioned she likes you could work on photo editing or learn more about it together. 

I used to do models with my ex, we also made xmas ornaments, other silly projects, I have many happy memories of all of those hours spent.


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## uncharted (Oct 1, 2009)

Well I wouldn't say its my only passion, I mean I love exploring countryside with her, long weekend breaks, watcing movies together, going out for dinners together, going to visit family together and so on. We are taking a 5 night break in New York for new years together. I suppose what i really mean is that i sometime like to have a bit of "me" time to myself. Somewhere where i can unwind and just enjoy my own time.
The othere issue here is that i must ask my W am i allowed to do this or am i allowed to do that. Now i admit i broke the agreement to the amount of time i would play the video games, but i figured when she was out of the house that night with her sister, i saw no harm in it. I mean was i to sit on the seat and fold my arms and wait for her to come back? I read books watch tv etc and so has no problem with that. 
I guess the real issue is that i am treated like a child "mommy can i go out to play, mommy am i allowed to do stuff"
I feel sufficated in the house. And i think we honestly did not know each other before we got married.
The real question im asking is "are we suppose to be happy in our lives or are we suppose to just go along with the flow"?
I feel so confussed right now.
Sometimes i just have to get out of the house so that i am by myself for a few hours..
It is very very sad to feel so alone..


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

uncharted said:


> I suppose what i really mean is that i sometime like to have a bit of "me" time to myself. Somewhere where i can unwind and just enjoy my own time.


i feel for you. my H could have written this post. i broke my H's game console. it got to a point that i pretty much banned him from doing anything he loved. and of course, he resented me. rightfully so.

It is not that you married too young. you'll have this problem again no matter how well you know someone. its just a problem you have to work through. 

There is a very good book and workbook you can buy and do together. Either _boundaries in marriage_ by dr. cloud and townsend (christian based) or Dr. Phil's _Relationship Rescue_. My H and i would read a short section from a chapter a week and then do one or two questions in the workbook. He wrote my answers and I wrote his answers. it was extremely effective. probably something we need to start doing again because im starting to throw fits when he goes to play racketball in the evenings again. 

part of the problem is also your wife just doesnt feel loved. and of course you dont either so it would be hard for you to show it right now. kind of a destructive cycle. You'll need to work on her love language (also a book). 

be prepared, though. your wife thinks she is completely right. i know i did. i thought my H should gravel at my feet and apologize. i was not happy when he shared his own resentments. i got pissed. the fighting escalated for about six months. sometimes we'd stop doing the books b/c id get so pissed. i came very close to divorcing him. so be prepared for that. its not the end of the world. sometimes things get worse before they get better. things are OK between my h and I now though. He plays his video games and goes to racketball and i know he needs those things to be happy.

but stop breaking your promises. you agreed to something so follow through with it. dont make excuses for yourself.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Her issue is that she is a control freak. Yours is that you are obsessed with this game. 



uncharted said:


> Well I wouldn't say its my only passion, I mean I love exploring countryside with her, long weekend breaks, watcing movies together, going out for dinners together, going to visit family together and so on. We are taking a 5 night break in New York for new years together. I suppose what i really mean is that i sometime like to have a bit of "me" time to myself. Somewhere where i can unwind and just enjoy my own time.
> The othere issue here is that i must ask my W am i allowed to do this or am i allowed to do that. Now i admit i broke the agreement to the amount of time i would play the video games, but i figured when she was out of the house that night with her sister, i saw no harm in it. I mean was i to sit on the seat and fold my arms and wait for her to come back? I read books watch tv etc and so has no problem with that.
> I guess the real issue is that i am treated like a child "mommy can i go out to play, mommy am i allowed to do stuff"
> I feel sufficated in the house. And i think we honestly did not know each other before we got married.
> ...


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## MerryMerry (Dec 6, 2009)

Our marriage counselor says that if we try to change each other then we won't be happy with who we end up with in the long run. We fell in love with the person we married, not the idea of what they should be. In my marriage, if I changed the things that bother my husband about me (i.e. became a neatfreak) he'd end up being married to his mother! He admitted that's not what he wants so we have to practice comprimise and accepting each other as we are, like "my wife will never be a neatfreak so my expectations have to be lowered." Easier said than done. If she doesn't like your video game playing, ask her for a comprimise; you shouldn't have to become a totally different person to please her..that's why it seems she's a control freak to you, because you perceive her as trying to change the real you. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells when she's around. At least you can identify the problem which gives you an opportunity to fix it. Try to "fix it" in a healthy and fair way which is equitable to both of you. Not easy


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## Most (Dec 20, 2009)

First of all, I know I shouldn't have to remind you...but you are a MAN. 

What do I mean by that? I just mean that I don't have to stop completely doing anything that I want to do. My wife found out the hard way when she broke my computer and I went out and bought a brand new one the next day.

I feel for you man, I really do, but you need to let her know that you stopped living with your parents years ago and that your willing to change/adjust some habits but you wont completely stop doing it until your ready to.

I would have to agree with a few others though, you shouldn't go back on a deal...or at least if you think the deal needs to be adjusted, revisit the issue and hash it out. 

It may be too late, but don't become a prisoner in your own home. There is nothing like going home to more stress or misery than you have at work. Remind her that your not a child and wont tolerate being restricted like one.

And if things are as you say, and you don't think things will get better or that counseling is a waste of time. Thank goodness you don't have kids, cut your losses, wish her luck in life and wave goodbye.


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## uncharted (Oct 1, 2009)

Hi guys, firstly i would like to thank you for all your help. Its very heart warming to know that people can help out a fellow human. 
Blanca, I think that book you mentioned could be a very good start. It can't do any harm at this stage. One major issue is that my W says its either the games or the marraige, That's the type of position she puts me in. Also its either the counsellor or the marraige. I feel like i am been black mailed. Blanca have you set a time limit to when your H plays his video games and is he happy with that?
My W point blankly refuses to tlka about it and when i do mention it she is like "ah its all about you and your games"
At one stage i kinda wrote up a contract, silly i know, but it was like ok i will only play them on an appointed time, only when i ask my W has she any plans, only when there is no work to be done in the house etc and she just laughed at it.
So i guess i do feel a lot of resentfullness to her. This makes me feel guilty. I think Recent-Cloud said it right when he said a marriage is never about which one wins, but about both parties winning. And as MerryMerry says we are trying to change each other and we both don't like what we are becoming. 
She just says that she never wants to see those games in the house ever again. 
The more i think about the angrier i get. And i know that is wrong, but that is how i feel. To the point that when she wants to go shopping and wants me to go with her I say "No i don't want to" Thats not the way it should be. If she allowed me to play them i would be a lot happier to do the things she wants. Childish i know.
As Most says yes i should not off went back on the deal and i know that was wrong and i guess im suffering for it now. I do feel like a prisoner in our home and sometime i got to work on Saturdays just to get away from it. Yes thank God there are no kids, that could be a blessing for sure. 
I wish i could talk to her about it but she will just turn around and blame all our problems on it.

Thank you all for your time...and Merry Christmas to all of you...


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

does she understand everything you feel and how you are reacting to her, maybe go over this post with her, let her see the other responses and then maybe she will understand you a little better. She will see it's an issue that can be worked out and I don't think she would really like to think you are avoiding her just to get some quiet time for yourself....the game is not the issue it's you feeling you haven't a choice and it's not fair she takes that from you......good luck


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## Harvard (Aug 11, 2009)

You are not responsible for her breast cancer and sounds like you were there for her anyway. Not sure what relevance this has to the control issue but I would just simply tell your wife you refuse to be controlled by ANYONE. Leave it up to her to change cause change truly comes from within ourselves. Good Luck!


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## uncharted (Oct 1, 2009)

I've tried to explain to her how i feel, that its just some free time for myself to do something i enjoy. I've tried to explain that in no way shall i allow it to come between us and that i would alwasy ask her if she had any plans or wanted me to do anything prior to playing the games. However im just told to grow up and get a life and that its only kids that play those games. Im told to get another hobby. But would you tell someone who plays golf to do something else like mountain climbing or whatever?
I have been given a guilt trip that God forbid but if the breast cancer ever came back then it would be partially my fault for causing her stress over this issue. So i do not know what to do.
I do feel like i have no choice whic is why i said earlier in the post that i feel like a child.
Thats the other issue now also, she wants children and if she cant have them naturally then she wants to adopt.
I am really starting to regret this marriage. Should i take everything lying down? If i refuse to adopt we are as good as divorced, her words.


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## uncharted (Oct 1, 2009)

Also letting her see this post and not going to the counsellor would cause serious fights. I have gone to the counsellor a few months ago with her and when she told the counsellor that the problems occured because i play games then the counsellor said that playing games was like an electronic form of drugs. Once she heard the counsellor say that then i was on the back foot forever moe..


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

uncharted said:


> I have gone to the counsellor a few months ago with her and when she told the counsellor that the problems occured because i play games then the counsellor said that playing games was like an electronic form of drugs. Once she heard the counsellor say that then i was on the back foot forever moe..


well, that's just upsetting. that counseling just fueled her fire. as someone said, your wife sounds like a control freak (as am i) and that didnt help. i would never go to couples counseling. i think it just complicates things. My H and I have gone to separate counseling, which is something you should consider. Not because you have a problem with your games, but because you now have a problem with resentment and also standing up for yourself. 

I used to set a time limit on how much my H could play. I used to have a lot of rules for my H. But im realizing i did that because i needed my H too much. I needed him so much that he couldnt be his own person anymore. im guessing your wife feels the same. you were probably the only good thing in her life for awhile (because of the cancer) and she has come to need you and rely solely on you. its the fear of losing you that is causing her to do this, which is ironic since she's pushing you away. she needs to adjust and find a balance and realize that emotionally pulling away from you does not mean she has to lose all the love you share....but that's for her. you cant help her with that. she will have to want to save the marriage so she can learn that for herself.


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## uncharted (Oct 1, 2009)

Yes i agree the counselor fueled her fire, no doubt about that. There is also no question about the fact that she is a control freak. She told once that in every marriage there is always one person more dominate than the other. Would people here agree with that? Im a very laid back type of guy. I go with the flow. I know what i like in life. Its like when i go shopping for whatever, I know exactly what i want i will go into the shop, buy it and leave. 
However the W is complete opposite. She cleans & cleans the house all the time. I mean i have seen her on her hands & knees using a tooth bursh to clean between tiles?? Now all i do is smile to myself when she does it cause that is her way. I won't ask her to change that.
She has gone to single counseling and i intend to go in the new year. I need to get a good opinion from someone looking in from the outside about this marriage.
I think you are right Blanca, she feels that she needs me full time, because she says that the cancer has shortened her life and she does not want me doing things on my own. She wants to spend every moment together. And it could be the fear of losing me, i dunno.
But whatever it is, it will eventually drive us apart. I cannot live my life under the shadow of another person. I feel trapped. Pretty much every evening we have a fight about something.
It looks like in the new year, things will have to be made clear or else we will need to re-consider our relationship. 
When i got up to go to work this morning i asked myself, is this how my lefe is suppose to be???


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

I will try and put this as nicely as possible since I hated my ex-h playing his games, it wasn't that I minded him spending free time doing it, it was just a huge turnoff- sitting there with the headset getting all excited when he shot someone... I think he played killzone 2 or something like that- he'd check the mailbox for his gameinformer mag and get all upset if it was late- it just didn't seem like a very adult hobby. 

Then again- I've learned that I really don't like watching someone play video games so in my next relationship I will make sure that isn't a big part of thier life- I've learned a lesson from it- I'm sure there's a few women out there that enjoy playing those games- I can only imagine how popular they are with the gamer guys. 

But you can do what you want in your free time- and if it causes a big problem in your marriage and its worth it to you then that is your decision. My ex explained that he had to replace the porn with something... I wonder what he replaced me with??? More video games???


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## Most (Dec 20, 2009)

Most likely a female gamer Blonddee...

Anyway, I feel bad reading more of your replies man. I hate to see any man, hell, any person trapped in their own home. That's no home at all, that's hell and misery.

When you mentioned that waking up you have to question your life with the one laying next to you. Then you are way past the point of salvage. The ball is in her court, I think you just have to stand up and show her that she can either play fair or she'll end up playing alone. I know that might sound a bit blunt, but come on!? Look at what your life has become...you might as well read up on all the advice you can while on here, before she takes the internet away from you too.

I hate sounded like an arse, but I think either you need to lay down some ground rules, reasses what it means to be in a relationship(not dictatorship) and stand up for yourself...before you do all that though, think long and hard about whether you even still want to be in this marriage and is it even worth it to try. Once you answer those two questions, the direction you need to go will be clear.

And don't hold the breast cancer over your head, you had absolutely nothing to do with that other than giving her support.


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## uncharted (Oct 1, 2009)

Hi guys, Thank you for your advice. Just a little note on another fight. The other evening we were both watching tv, having a glas of wine. Not really talking but it was nice. Anyway during the programe an advertisment came on the tv for a new video game. I sat there watching it and she took the remote and turned the tv off. Now i said nothing because i didn't want to with us having a few glasses of wine, so i just said i was going to bed. I got the silent treatment for 24 hours then. I guess i shouldn't of got up and go to bed. Anyway we were talking the next night which was last night and she asked why i went to bed the previous night and i told her that she knew i was watching the advertisment and she turned it off on badness because it was a game. Her response to that was "you should'nt be interested in that stuff anymore. Its been 3 to 4 months since you played games. Get over it already"

This will be held against me forever. Just thinking my problem sounds so small compared to some of the peoples problems in this site. But i guess its a problem for me.

We talked about the games again, a civil chat, and she said that it would destroy our lives. I told her that all i wanted to do was have a little bit of time for myself to do something i enjoyed doing. I mean i don't got to bars and get drunk and come home and trash the house, i dont do drugs, never have, i dont gamble and i don't know how to. All im asking is for a bit of time so i can enjoy doing something that makes me happy in the comfort of our home. 
I do everything she askes of me. I visit he family, do DIY for her dad. and so on and so on.

At this point in time i keep remembering when i never knew my W and how happy i was in those days. 
Blonddeee, my W is like you, she hated watching me play them, although there are 3 tv's in the house, so its not like she had to wait for me to finish or anything. But then again at the start of our relationship so was quite happy for me to play them and she even bought me games and was infact trying to buy me a suround sound system for it. But I guess i spent too much time on it and it went all pear shapped. That is her problem. I spent too much time on it and not enough time with her. Not enough time with her because of the cancer. So i told her last night i would only spend a few hours on it a week like on a friday evening or a saturday evening but she just turned it around and said im not capable of doing that, like before when i broke our agreement. I said i was sorry for doing that i would ensure i wouldn't do it again and can't we start over?? "No"
Most, luckily i can type this when in work. But like you say i need to lay down the law. Sooner or later this is going to cause a massive problem. Now don't get me wrong, there are other problems than this in the relationship. The whole adoption and children. If i feel so unhappy with the marriage and children came into it, wouldn't that just make things worse? If that happened, i think i would be treated like the child also. Hell im treated like a kid already.
Like i said in the beginning, i really think we got married way to soon and before we knew each other. It was a whirlwind romance.
Thank you all for your advise. I really have some soul searching to do. And i also don't want to make her life unhappy. She deserves to have a happy life after everything she has been through. It has been a very difficult year for her, I understand that. 
But i think its very unfair for her to say that if the cancer comes back it will be partially my fault because of the stress im causing her. I can i honestly live my life thinking that i have to walk on egg shells for fear im causing her stress.??


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## Most (Dec 20, 2009)

I think that inside you already know what you need to do. Stand up for yourself! Three to four months...wow, kudos to you for at least giving it a shot. Can I ask what have you done in this time to fill in the gap, what activity have you picked up for your own 'me time'?

You seem like a caring and considerate person towards her, but i don't see you even considering yourself, in fact it sounds like she does all that for you.

"Get over it already..." Who is SHE to say what YOUR interests should be and when YOU can forget about what YOU enjoy?

YOU ASK about gaming again and SHE TELLS YOU..."No" No is a pretty strong statement, especially when it refers to something that you are doing that isnt malicious, wrong, or another alternative that can take away much more of your time and/or money from her...your own examples (heavy drinking, drugs, gambling)

And you..."She deserves to have a happy life after everything she has been through." Does this mean that you have to give up what you enjoy in your life just for her? 

I see a control issue and right now, she controls quite a bit in your life already. I mean c'mon, turning off the TV while your watching a game commercial ad?

"Hell im treated like a kid already" -Your own words. If your not angry at yourself for letting it even get to this point, then shame on you. 

Some of your conversations should honestly start off with, I WILL play the game when I feel the urge, I WILL still keep you first in my life so that you'll never feel threatened by a game and I WILL discuss things with you but you WILL NOT make decisions for me. 

Truthfully, do what you want, and how you want to do it...but a strong message needs to get across that I think she has forgotten(just from your responses), your a man, not a child and you will allow no one to treat you like one. Again do it however you wish, everyone's personality is different, but don't let it eat you up for another 3-4 months.


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## uncharted (Oct 1, 2009)

Yes 3 to 4 months ago is when i stopped. I had to break the game system with a hammer as she watched, so its not like i could go home now and start using it. Since then I have used "my time" to either watch movies or to go out with her to visit people. I have visited so many people over the last while that im sure they are thinking we have no home.
Its just not there anymore. In my heart of hearts i believe i do know what has to be done. 

Yes of course i care for her, and i must admit that i hate the fact that i might cause her some hurt in the future, but you are right i don't consider myself. I guess i feel sorry for also for having to go through the cancer. 
But i guess i should grow a pair and stand up for myself. 

You make a lot of sense Most, and yes i hate myself for been in this situation. God knows life is difficult enough without have a stressfull marriage. 

"Some of your conversations should honestly start off with, I WILL play the game when I feel the urge, I WILL still keep you first in my life so that you'll never feel threatened by a game and I WILL discuss things with you but you WILL NOT make decisions for me."

I like this, that sounds a damn good way to start. 
I also must say, that right now if she even went out and bought a new system for me (albeit i would be bowled over) i honestly must also admit that, that would not make me happy. I believe over that past few months we have grown apart, and sometime it feels like we are just friends.
We were talking one night and we both agreed that we do not have anything in common.

I guess the more it carrys on the worse it will eventually be.
But for now i will let Christmas pass and then take a fresh look at the situation.


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## Most (Dec 20, 2009)

Awesome...let us know how it goes UC.


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

You need the help of BigBadWolf.

Your dynamic is:

Male weakness => female insecurity
/\...............................................................||
||...............................................................\/
male appeasement <= female fitness tests

This cycle can demolish a marriage in months.

Beg for help from BigBadWolf.

Good luck.


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Wow, breathe. I dont know if others see this, but I see that you are both controlling. I will get to her behavior in the next paragraph. Your resentment has caused some controlling behaviors and reactions to her controlling behavior. Trying to get away with playing the game when she was out, was your way of "taking back control" which is a nice way of instituting control. An agreement is an agreement, whether you regret making it or not. If you dont agree to something, dont do it and definitely dont say you are going to do it and then dont.

She is very controlling, and it appears that it goes beyond the gaming to counseling and adoption! Was she like this before the cancer? Maybe having cancer made her feel so out of control with her life, or imperfect (insecure, fear of loss of love?), that she has started to go on a rampage to regain control. Maybe she was angry about getting cancer young and that anger is being directed at you of course, unfortunately, because you are her most intimate of partners in life. 

I read somewhere that when we are dating we fall in love with someone's personality and when we marry we live with their character, their true self. SO, if this is truly her character and not some reaction to the cancer or insecurity, then you may need to evaluate to divorce before you have children. By no means have a child either through sex or adoption with her right now. If this is something that she just needs time to get over, give her the space, keep your agreements and see what happens. 

Was there ever a time when you thought you were perfect for each other and had deep connection? Can you remember feeling like this was someone you would live well with adn grow and change with? The desperate state you are in seems to point to self destruct mode for you two, but sometimes you need to hit crises to see and grow.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

This thread is very dissappointing.

This is nothing but a simple solution. 

The point is, are you going to be the man that is going to see the solution through.

First, get these notions of the woman being a "control freak" out of your head. The problem here is not your woman, it is you.

Yes, she is being controlling. This is because you are NOT in control.

Instead you are playing the victim, and it makes you look like a "whiner" and a "loser".

A man who looks like a "whiner" and a "loser" are not attractive to a woman, and this kind of man a woman will RESENT and will continue to push his buttons.

And this will make you RESENT her, for pushing your buttons.

This is the "spiral of resentment", and is where you and your woman are now.
The problem is you are not being a man. At least in your woman's eyes, and that is what is important if you are wanting to be happy in this relationship, and not miserable.

The solution is this simple: Stop letting these video games control you. If the woman is giving you this ultimatum, that is a clue. She is telling you something you should never have to be told.

It is this simple:

A woman will be irrestibly attracted to the man in control of himself and his environment, this is the dominant man. A woman will RESENT a "weak man" that is not in control of himself and his environment.

Your goal is to be the dominant man. 

STOP letting these video games control you. Demonstrate this in action, NOT words.

STOP being the "laid back" man. You are neglecting your responsibility in the relationship to be emotionally and sexually having ownership and responsibility to your woman.

STOP letting your woman determine your mood, whether you are angry or happy, or whatever. If you are a man, you are confident and secure with your emotional mood no matter even if your woman is pushing your buttons or throwing a tantrum.

When a woman does these things, she is testing her man to see the mettle he is made of.

You need to start passing these tests.

This means you will determine your own mood and confidence, not your woman. You will determine your happiness, not your woman. This will show your woman the mettle you are made of.

When you are the dominant man, you will of course be playing the video games or whatever, but it will be for your pleasure, and your woman, knowing you are in control of yourself, and most importantly, that she is desired and MORE IMPORTANT than these games, or whatever else may be.

When you are the dominant man, your woman is not going to be the "control freak" nor is she going to continue to be INSECURE and always nagging at you for this or that, or generally unhappy.

In a woman, where there is sexual attraction, there is not insecurity. Where there is insecurity, there is not sexual attraction. There is only one or the other, but know it is always one or the other.

Your woman thinks these games are more important to you than she is. FIX THIS problem!

Please see my profile and over 100 of my posts to deal with this very situation. It is common, and the solutions are simple, but not always lacking courage and strength.

I wish you well.


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## humangirl (Jul 16, 2009)

I think everyone needs down time alone. As long as you are doing fun things with her & doing your share around the house you should be able to play your game on your time. 

Maybe she is just afraid that she will be replaced by the video games and so she thinks they have to go. Good luck.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

uncharted said:


> When i got up to go to work this morning i asked myself, is this how my lefe is suppose to be???


Ya, it is how its supposed to be. I used to think the same way you do; that things _should_ be good. 

i hope you do not give up. you will run across problems like these again and again. you are part of the problem, too. i used to play the martyr in my marriage but ive come to accept the dynamic of dysfunction; it is never one sided.


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## uncharted (Oct 1, 2009)

Hi people, well thank you all very much for your help. You have given a lot of food for thought. I guess i need to look at this marriage in a whole new way. I have also to be true & honest to myself. 
We had a major argument just after new years. I bought myself a games magazine in the shop and she went balistic. Told me that if i did it again the the marriage would end. Then she told me that she will not live without kids and that if i don't adopt then the marriage will end. 
I will go to a counsellor next week to discuss all this. 
However right now im so misserable. I feel like im walking a tight rope with a noose around my neck.
The feelings i have for my W are no longer there. Sometime she talks to an ex of hers via email and i do not feel jealous.
Again she told me just to-day if the cancer ever comes back it will be my fault.
Anyway i'll keep you posted.
Thank you


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