# Exposed the affair to friends and family...backfired!



## huebnem (May 8, 2013)

Yeah so I started exposing my wifes EA to he facebook friends and before I even get a little into her friends list BOOM! I get ratted on like we are in grade school and her friends rushed to her side calling me the worst husband in the world.


So...ummm...I am not afraid of her anymore but what on earth am I supposed to do now?!?!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Nothing of value was lost..Expose to mutual friends, not her friends...they probably know of you from what she told them about you. Or they are scumbags like her...

How did you expose it?


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Her friends are likely to do this...mutual ones and family are less likely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'd almost guarantee that she's been justifying her actions to her friends and possibly family for as long as she's been in the fog. If not longer. And for HER friends, what did you expect?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Want2babettrme (May 17, 2013)

Now you know what kind of friends she has. And you know if she ever comes around and wants back, these toxic friends have to go. They are not friends to the marriage. 

Command structure may be your best bet. 

If you are feeling particularly vengeful, forward the toxic friends' messages to TFs' husbands. Ask TFs' husbands if they are comfortable with their wives' opinions on cheating. I'm guessing the TFs will become very busy explaining why they think its a good thing for your wife to cheat on you.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Oh man, I'm a drunk, I abused her and I cheated on her first.

These are the things my STBXWW tells her friends and family, all of which are untrue. Amazing what cheating does to a previously loving spouse.

You should have expected this.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Yep, you'll be surprised by what comes out in the ensuing days. Several of my WW's friends that were around lots, turned on me like snakes when I exposed. I didn't care as I don't value them anyway. Then I found out why, she has been feeding them lies and stories all along and they have harbored hatred against me for years, just hid it when I was around. She felt guilt somewhat and tried to tell one of them to stop being mean (I didn't even know she contacted her), but I started getting nasty calls and texts from her friends telling me to stop making her do things she didn't want to, I was toxic and controlling her and what an a$$hole I was for everything. They only knew the lies and stories she had told and nothing even resembling the truth. SHe even made up stories about me abusing my children. I sat them down in front of her and we got the story out. The truth. She was so far gone she still argued that I had done certain things at certain times, even when we had a group of witnesses that validate my story and negate everything she has said and presented. There were 8 of us and she is the only one that saw the things she saw that night.

Just let it go as they are too far gone. Just roll with the punches come what may.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

huebnem said:


> Yeah so I started exposing my wifes EA to he facebook friends and before I even get a little into her friends list BOOM! I get ratted on like we are in grade school and her friends rushed to her side calling me the worst husband in the world.
> 
> 
> So...ummm...I am not afraid of her anymore but what on earth am I supposed to do now?!?!


This is not a backfire ... it's simply her friends showing their true colors. No biggie.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

huebnem said:


> Yeah so I started exposing my wifes EA to he facebook friends and before I even get a little into her friends list BOOM! I get ratted on like we are in grade school and her friends rushed to her side calling me the worst husband in the world.
> 
> 
> So...ummm...I am not afraid of her anymore but what on earth am I supposed to do now?!?!


Just sit and watch...you are now learning about each and every one of these "friends". It's when the chips are down that you see people's true colors.

We all go through stuff like that...during a break up, people pick sides. The ones that stand by your side may seem few at times, but having a few good peeps in your corner is better than having hundreds of fake-friends, who think cheating is fine.

You don't want those people in your life, especially now, so it's actually a good thing.

You can always respond to those people with, 

_"I'm sorry you feel that way. You're free to believe whatever you've been told about me, but I hope you realize that you're hearing if from a confirmed cheating liar. You obviously don't understand how much I loved this person and how devastating this has been for me. You calling me a horrible husband is really the least of my concern. Maybe one day when someone cheats on you, you'll understand how I feel today."_

...or say nothing at all. Just sit back, take a deep breath, and relax. There will be fallout, and you will survive better knowing who you can trust.

You have ballz, and you showed it. Good for you!


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

The strangest thing that I learned is how two faced and hypocritical people can be. All of the people that told me how awful I was, already knew about the A's. They didn't tell me that though when I was exposing , only how much of an a$$hole I was for my actions. Lots of them went out to dinner with me and my wife (where I paid the entire bill) and always took my hospitality, never once returning the favor. They hid knowing about the As from me, yet I am the one with despicable morals and was getting what I deserved. Go figure that one out?? Never did they ever think what she was doing to me was wrong or undeserved.


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## huebnem (May 8, 2013)

It only made it through 5 people...all of them mutual friends...friends from my unit that I have gone out of my way to help...


I knew I was short on support in the unit before but this was a low blow...


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You just found out who are friends to you or friends to the marriage. The ones who dissed you probably already knew what she was doing.

You never know which way that ball is going to bounce once it is dropped.

Learn from it. These people are not your friends. 

If her EA continues, then you decide if you want to ignore it until it goes PA or file now.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Thought you were divorcing her?

That's what you said on your other thread.

If so what's the point of exposing her?

Just makes an ugly situation worse.

Just read some of your back posts.

Last night at 11 pm you weren't going to expose. Now suddenly you've gotten yourself into an ugly mess. What happened?



huebnem said:


> I know it isn't supposed to be for revenge and honestly it isn't. It is because he is in a leadership position and she is about to be. I am sorry but when you are leading troops you need to be at your best. My NCO said that he will get them if I don't.
> 
> But like I said I am waiting on exposure. If it stays as only an EA then I might not expose what happened. However, if it got physical I will blast it out there..


So what they're both going to be in leadership positions and have to be at their best? What does an EA have to do with that?

Not seeing what you're looking to accomplish here other than making things more miserable for everyone including yourself.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

lenzi said:


> So what they're both going to be in leadership positions and have to be at their best? What does an EA have to do with that?
> 
> Not seeing what you're looking to accomplish here other than making things more miserable for everyone including yourself.



In the military and in certain other government type jobs, the reputation can be everything. I have seen promotions that have been pulled at the last minute due to little "issues" such as this.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Squeakr said:


> In the military and in certain other government type jobs, the reputation can be everything. I have seen promotions that have been pulled at the last minute due to little "issues" such as this.


What does he care about her reputation? If anything he would want her to get the promotion so she'll get more money and won't be looking to him for support after the divorce.

If he damages her reputation and she gets discharged, guess what? He'll be paying HER support.

He's getting divorced. Exposure is not warranted here. It's completely contraindicated unless he's a glutton for punishment. 

Everyone loses.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Nothing of value was lost..Expose to mutual friends, not her friends...they probably know of you from what she told them about you. Or they are scumbags like her...
> 
> How did you expose it?


:iagree: Exactly what Warlock says. You need to continue to expose. Everyone needs to know what type of person she is and what she has done. If these people go after you, you don't want to know them anyway.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

lenzi said:


> What does he care about her reputation? If anything he would want her to get the promotion so she'll get more money and won't be looking to him for support after the divorce.
> 
> If he damages her reputation and she gets discharged, guess what? He'll be paying HER support.
> 
> ...


If her reputation is tarnished, she may not get the promotion. If she is in the same unit as him or one close by, you definitely don't want to be going through the D with someone who may now out rank you. I am not saying her cares about her reputation, just that if it is tarnished it can help his cause. Remember not all states award alimony when the salaries are close, and in some states adultery is an alimony killer. Not everything is cut and dried.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Squeakr said:


> In the military and in certain other government type jobs, the reputation can be everything. I have seen promotions that have been pulled at the last minute due to little "issues" such as this.


I've also seen affairs ignored.

This bit about how the military has strong standards on adultery is not across the board. Apparently he and his wife are in a command that does not give a hoot.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I've also seen affairs ignored.
> 
> This bit about how the military has strong standards on adultery is not across the board. Apparently he and his wife are in a command that does not give a hoot.


The military does have a strict standard. It is a code within the UCMJ and violation can carry heavy punishments. The thing is that if the charges start at the lower level and the soldier has a good standing and friends within the chain of command, it can be handled at lower levels with what they call non-judiciary punishment. I have seen this handled on many levels to "protect" a friend and someone with potential. When too many of these infractions get to their record book then it changes their appearance and chances for promotion in the future. Also if they get transferred to units where no friends exist, then as they say the reputation proceeds. 

If it is started at high enough levels, they can't cover it up and that is when the consequences occur. Also when it creates more issues for the chain it causes more issues for the soldier. It is like a domino effect, but it has to start some where to create the documentation chain.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Squeakr said:


> Remember not all states award alimony when the salaries are close, and in some states adultery is an alimony killer. Not everything is cut and dried.


Maybe he should find out about that FIRST.

Before jumping on the "exposure grave train".


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Squeakr said:


> The military does have a strict standard. It is a code within the UCMJ and violation can carry heavy punishments. The thing is that if the charges start at the lower level and the soldier has a good standing and friends within the chain of command, it can be handled at lower levels with what they call non-judiciary punishment. I have seen this handled on many levels to "protect" a friend and someone with potential. When too many of these infractions get to their record book then it changes their appearance and chances for promotion in the future. Also if they get transferred to units where no friends exist, then as they say the reputation proceeds.
> 
> If it is started at high enough levels, they can't cover it up and that is when the consequences occur. Also when it creates more issues for the chain it causes more issues for the soldier. It is like a domino effect, but it has to start some where to create the documentation chain.


I was an army brat. I was in the Army. 

I've seen commands that were strict about following the code and others that only prosecute those that they were looking for excuses to prosecute... all the while everyone else was running around cheating and having sex with whomever they wanted.


There were Generals & Col's who rented out villas for the sole purpose of swinging and gambling.

The cheating that goes on and is unpunished in Iraq and Afghanistan these days is legend.

There have been many military spouses here who went to their spouses commander and were told that there was nothing they would do about it.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Squeakr is right. I did 39 years in the military. Sometimes adultery is charged by the command and other times it is swepted under the rug. I know my command in Iraq did not put up with it when it was blatant. If there was suspicions the command did not investigate and I agreed with that but we kept an eye out when things were brought to our attention and that is how several folks got caught. People complained, we said we can't do anything on hearsay, we watched, and they slipped up. Several officers were court martialed in my unit for adultery while we were in Iraq. 

The command has a lower standard when dealing with enlisted and in my time in the military the enlisted were given more leeway in regards to adultery. Punished harder in other areas but less so when it came to adultery. Officers were given leeway in other areas. I am just saying. I know one Colonel who was a dirtbag when I was an officer in the 80's. We were both Lieutenants. I brought his misdeeds to the command after four female officers complained to me. They protected him and transferred the four females. Fast forward to 2008. He is in command of a Brigade in Iraq. I told our command back here in the states, "why in the hel* did you ever let this dirtbag get a command? He will come home in disgrace." There was even an office pool and the winner would be the one who was closest to the date that he would be relieved for sexual misconduct. It took 54 complaints of sexual harrassment, etc before the Army relieved him. "54". My friend a female Captain told me he ordered her to strip in his office so he could F her and she refused. He said your life will be hel* if you don't and it was until he was relieved. She called back to the states and complained to a female general who took action and found out that there were already 53 complaints and they were covering it up. He came home in disgrace and was relieved of command.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know. Let them, Google, Bing, etc help you.


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## huebnem (May 8, 2013)

lenzi said:


> What does he care about her reputation? If anything he would want her to get the promotion so she'll get more money and won't be looking to him for support after the divorce.
> 
> If he damages her reputation and she gets discharged, guess what? He'll be paying HER support.
> 
> ...


I exposed it because of the situation I am in. I am already facing threats from her friends anyways so a few more aren't going to hurt me. I mean I have put up with enough crap for months already...I can trace IP addresses from attackers and they are coming from her location. Now I am on my 4th laptop because of the keyloggers and hacks and other ****. Yes I talked about a keylogger in my other post but you fight fire with fire.

With my situation right now in this unit I would have lost...ALOT! If I had gone through with waiting until I am home to get the divorce things would have gone badly.

I exposed this on the advice of 2 JAG officers who have seen this situation before. I am NOT coming home to an ambush like that.



You know how everyone really loses? By getting a leader with no damn integrity. A leader that cares nothing for loyalty, honesty, honor, commitment. I have to trust the people around me with my life. I am not looking to get her kicked out because I can't unless I can prove that there was actually sex. However, I could get some of her friends to wake the hell up and maybe set her straight. The child is hers and she needs to be a damn mother, married or not. XXX already got molested by one of my WW's ex lovers...when is at least ONE of her friends going to smack her with reality? This was not my attempt at hurting her...it was my attempt at saving her daughter and maybe shocking my wife into thinking about what it takes to be a leader.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lenzi said:


> Maybe he should find out about that FIRST.
> 
> Before jumping on the "exposure grave train".


They have been married about 1 year. They have no children. There will be no post divorce support. If one of them ends up unemployed during the divorce process then there might be interim support until the divorce is final.


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## huebnem (May 8, 2013)

But actually I will admit that there is a little vindication for me in this. Not a lot mind you, but I am working under the hot sun on armored vehicles all day, fixing A/C units for others to enjoy, and keeping the power grid and generators up and running. The only reason I don't complain is because I love being a mechanic and I have good leaders right now. However, I have had bad leaders in the past and they are the ones with ****ty private lives that bleed over into their work like a poison. They have no respect, they play everything like a damn game, they don't deserve to wear the uniform.

One toxic leader can make life hell for many troops...if I can take out at least one toxic leader I have done my job. I'm sorry but while I am not asking that everyone share the same morals as me...they signed up for this job and said they wanted to serve...I am sick and tired of people using the uniform for their own personal gain.


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## huebnem (May 8, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> They have been married about 1 year. They have no children. There will be no post divorce support. If one of them ends up unemployed during the divorce process then there might be interim support until the divorce is final.


JAG and the law took the separation she filed for as legit so its less than a year according to the court...7 months actually. And my command is behind me I have been told...if anything she will have to repay me for all the money lost during the deployment.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

huebnem said:


> I exposed it because of the situation I am in. I am already facing threats from her friends anyways so a few more aren't going to hurt me. I mean I have put up with enough crap for months already...I can trace IP addresses from attackers and they are coming from her location. Now I am on my 4th laptop because of the keyloggers and hacks and other ****.


Why our 4th laptop? If keyloggers, hackers, etc are get onto your laptop you do not need to replace it. Just get (or have) the OS (MS WINDOWS?) reinstalled.



huebnem said:


> Yes I talked about a keylogger in my other post but you fight fire with fire.


There are laws that you will be breaking. IF she can prove it was you or one of your friends who installed a key logger on her computer there could be legal trouble. The two of you are separated, divorce has been filed. This is a very different situation than two people who live in one house and who have computers that are joint assets.
I’m saying this in support of YOU. The last thing you need is for her to be able to show the court that you have been stalking her. What you are doing does boarder on stalking since you separated and the divorce has been filed.


huebnem said:


> With my situation right now in this unit I would have lost...ALOT! If I had gone through with waiting until I am home to get the divorce things would have gone badly.


Good that you were proactive about the divorce. If the house is yours, you might want to hire a rental management company, have them evict her relatives, and get them to rent it out for you. 


huebnem said:


> I exposed this on the advice of 2 JAG officers who have seen this situation before. I am NOT coming home to an ambush like that.


I do not get what you think is the ambush waiting for you. You two have not been married long enough for her to get anything. You have already said that you have clarification that you will get the house in the divorce.




huebnem said:


> You know how everyone really loses? By getting a leader with no damn integrity. A leader that cares nothing for loyalty, honesty, honor, commitment. I have to trust the people around me with my life. I am not looking to get her kicked out because I can't unless I can prove that there was actually sex. However, I could get some of her friends to wake the hell up and maybe set her straight. The child is hers and she needs to be a damn mother, married or not. Rose already got molested by one of my WW's ex lovers...when is at least ONE of her friends going to smack her with reality?


Unfortuantley children do not get to pick their parents. I feel sorry for her child. 
Her friends are not going to wake up because she has picked friends who are just like her.



huebnem said:


> This was not my attempt at hurting her...it was my attempt at saving her daughter and maybe shocking my wife into thinking about what it takes to be a leader.


Your wife is not your concern anymore. Sadly neither is her daughter. It’s not your place to shock her into thinking about what it takes to be a leader.

You need to be focusing on yourself… not on a woman who left you some time ago.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

huebnem said:


> JAG and the law took the separation she filed for as legit so its less than a year according to the court...7 months actually. And my command is behind me I have been told...if anything she will have to repay me for all the money lost during the deployment.


Can you clarify? What money was lost during the deployment.


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## huebnem (May 8, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Can you clarify? What money was lost during the deployment.


She wiped the accounts nearly clean. And since she shower no indication of acting like this before she handled all of the money. So all the investments, savings, everything gone. I don't spend a lot of money...so there is no reason for me to be in debt. Especially on this deployment with all the extra pay, a reenlistment bonus, and an extra $500 a month because I volunteered for this deployment.


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## huebnem (May 8, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Why our 4th laptop? If keyloggers, hackers, etc are get onto your laptop you do not need to replace it. Just get (or have) the OS (MS WINDOWS?) reinstalled.
> 
> 
> There are laws that you will be breaking. IF she can prove it was you or one of your friends who installed a key logger on her computer there could be legal trouble. The two of you are separated, divorce has been filed. This is a very different situation than two people who live in one house and who have computers that are joint assets.
> ...


I am most likely not going to use the keylogger. After the recent argument SHE had, because I don't respond anymore, I don't care much for what she has done. Nobody would so vehemently deny things and attack without something to hide. And after talking to my Chaplain I regained some clarity and realized that I need to stop riding the rollercoaster and settle on filing for divorce. Just paid the lawyer today so its forcing me to stay on the path.


The computer thing is mostly because of where I am. I can get a new laptop for $200 and call it a day...no reinstall disks on the laptops they sell here. It's like most things you buy on a deployment...its going to break and be filled with sand anyways so don't buy anything nice.



The ambush is the fact that right outside of the plane when it return will be her entire family and they get mean. That and the fact that I have had some threatening messages sent to me. The best advice I got from the JAG here is to install cameras around the house when I get home. She has some stupid friends that have a very physical way of "delivering justice" and I don't want my truck keyed up and spray painted like I have seen them do before.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

huebnem said:


> She wiped the accounts nearly clean. And since she shower no indication of acting like this before she handled all of the money. So all the investments, savings, everything gone. I don't spend a lot of money...so there is no reason for me to be in debt. Especially on this deployment with all the extra pay, a reenlistment bonus, and an extra $500 a month because I volunteered for this deployment.


Ok, you mentioned this before.

So this is something you address in divorce court. Do you have the records of the account and of her removing the money? Those records should be enough for you to get the money back. If it was in a joint account then it's half hers. Did she have her bonuses, etc go to that account as well?

You do have your own account now that she does not have access to, right?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

huebnem said:


> It only made it through 5 people...all of them mutual friends...friends from my unit that I have gone out of my way to help...
> 
> 
> I knew I was short on support in the unit before but this was a low blow...


OP- these are not mutual friends. In fact, they are not friends at all.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Elegirl I am a disabled Marine so I too have been there and done that. Like Thorburn said and I said it all depends on the unit and adultery within the ranks is handled differently than between soldiers and civilians. The military takes care of its own so sometimes that means internally and nothing happens really and other times they hang people out to dry. Like I said I all depends on how well they are liked and of they are deemed mission possible. The odds of getting punished for adultery are probably better than they are for installing a key logger.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Please tell me she no longer has access to your money.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Friends don't enable other friend's spouses to cheat. Better to find out now who is in your corner and whose not.

Unfortunately, exposure can have it's downsides. In my personal experience, my inlaws were not impressed. I don't care though, I gave them an earful when they told me two weeks ago that they didn't appreciate it. I told them I didn't appreciate them coddling their cheating, porn-addicted, dry alcoholic son when they promised not to take sides. There wasn't much of a rebuttal for that.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Can you clarify? What money was lost during the deployment.


.


His backstory is pretty bad. read his other thread


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...on/111081-i-think-i-waited-too-long-post.html


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

huebnem said:


> I am most likely not going to use the keylogger. After the recent argument SHE had, because I don't respond anymore, I don't care much for what she has done. Nobody would so vehemently deny things and attack without something to hide. And after talking to my Chaplain I regained some clarity and realized that I need to stop riding the rollercoaster and settle on filing for divorce. Just paid the lawyer today so its forcing me to stay on the path.


I agree with the Chaplain.


huebnem said:


> The ambush is the fact that right outside of the plane when it return will be her entire family and they get mean. That and the fact that I have had some threatening messages sent to me. The best advice I got from the JAG here is to install cameras around the house when I get home. She has some stupid friends that have a very physical way of "delivering justice" and I don't want my truck keyed up and spray painted like I have seen them do before.


With every threat you get… reply to sender and copy to your attorney. The reply should read something like “ALL OF YOUR TREATS ARE ON FILE WITH MY ATTORNEY.” And that’s it.

You can also store copies of all emails on a site like www.dropbox.com IT’s has free storage. So if you trash another laptop you will have the files saved and can access them from anywhere.

I agree about installing cameras around the exterior of your house if you are concerned.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> .
> 
> 
> His backstory is pretty bad. read his other thread
> ...


I've read his back story. I was asking clarification on that one point to make sure it was not something new that he had not posted before.


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## huebnem (May 8, 2013)

All my money is secure now. Right after she took everything I got PoA for my father and both he and I did everything in our power to secure my funds and assets. Also, a few friends I do have in the unit, higher rank, did everything they could to stall for me by "taming" my wife I guess you could call it...more like telling her to shut up and sit down.


Since my mind is in tatters and flies back and forth I instantly forward all emails, copies of Facebook messages, and anything I think might be a good thing to keep to my parents. Luckily my family is there for me and they take what I gather and use their clear minds to figure stuff out. 



I know this happened quickly because in my other posts I seemed to wobble back and forth and my decisions. However, after a talk with my family and a few people I still know are truly my fiends, they don't know her but have met her, I got a cold bucket of water in the face. If I didn't do this everything that has happened would continue to consume me. I mean I work on trucks all day but past memories of this keep haunting me and I space out of lose motivation to work and just sit and chain smoke. I kinda feel bad about how cruel it may be to her to expose this and ruin her name but I actually don't care one bit...she played the game and new the risks and she played the game with MY life and heart. After 8 months of this she deserves whatever she gets.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

huebnem said:


> It only made it through 5 people...all of them mutual friends...friends from my unit that I have gone out of my way to help...
> 
> 
> I knew I was short on support in the unit before but this was a low blow...


Well now you know where you stand. I ended up dumping all of the "friends" after we split. Replaced them all with 
"acquaintances".


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

I've seen a few public exposures (facebook, etc) among acquaintances and they all ended up where both parties looked bad. They were the typical exposure of cheating and then the other comes out with their side of the story and it's ugly for both (and worse for any children or other family involved).

if you choose to expose, you should know that your story will be out there forever on the internet. Long after you get over it, anyone will be able to read about the disaster of your marriage. Maybe it's just me but I'd rather my private problems are not out there for any nosy person that knows how to use google to find. 

If you go on a first date with a potential new partner, do you really want him or her knowing all about the ugliness of your past relationship before you even had your first kiss? Do you really want any potential employer to know that your family life is a mess before your first interview? What about any nosy new neighbors? Or your children's nosy teachers, classmates or their friends' parents?

It might feel good to expose someone like this but in the end, you will BOTH have your privacy destroyed. Everyone will react in their own way to infidelity but you should think this out very thoroughly before you take any steps to go public with the story of your spouse cheating on you - you are connected to this story and there will always be consequences on YOU.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

couple said:


> I've seen a few public exposures (facebook, etc) among acquaintances and they all ended up where both parties looked bad. They were the typical exposure of cheating and then the other comes out with their side of the story and it's ugly for both (and worse for any children or other family involved).
> 
> if you choose to expose, you should know that your story will be out there forever on the internet. Long after you get over it, anyone will be able to read about the disaster of your marriage. Maybe it's just me but I'd rather my private problems are not out there for any nosy person that knows how to use google to find.
> 
> ...


This can be quite true, but one also needs to account for the fact that a WS has probably already done there own version of the exposure and the BS is already characterized as the bad person in the relationship. It is just the natural part of hiding and lying about an affair that must take place for the WS to be able to justify to themselves and their friends that what they are doing is not only for the best but necessary as they are living in such hell and they need everyone to feel their pain so they can give support to the WS. Exposing just brings to light that both parties have aside in this and generally the WS is not fully divulging the truth. Usually exposure is done through email exchanges and face to face not through posting on social media so it isn't out there for everyone to see. I may be wrong but I believe that OP in this case was exposing through emailing to the FB friends and not through social media or posting on the Internet as you seem to think.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## huebnem (May 8, 2013)

Yeah man she already spread enough **** about me and people already don't like me because I don't go to the gym since I would long hours as a mechanic which is enough effort during a day for me.

Not to mention I wouldn't hide anything about this to a future partner...even the way I acted. In my experience the other person will find out sooner or later anyways and if they want to run because of that then you go find someone else. I mean it didn't work this time but in the future I hope to find someone that doesn't lie so much and can deal with some transparency in a relationship.

And yeah the exposure was done through a more private means so I don't have to worry about that.


And none of that matters in the military...people are ALWAYS in your business for various reasons. I mean I've been crammed into 8-60 man bays and you spend all day every day around these people in a small, fenced in area. Got something private going on in your life? Not anymore...


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## huebnem (May 8, 2013)

And I really don't get why my wife would be that mad honestly. It is like free advertising for her. Once I got the truth out of some people I am pretty sure she slept with half of the males on my post...and I am sadly not joking about that. I now know of about 60 males in my unit alone. So really its a bonus for her to let people know that she is always open for business.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Squeakr said:


> This can be quite true, but one also needs to account for the fact that a WS has probably already done there own version of the exposure and the BS is already characterized as the bad person in the relationship. It is just the natural part of hiding and lying about an affair that must take place for the WS to be able to justify to themselves and their friends that what they are doing is not only for the best but necessary as they are living in such hell and they need everyone to feel their pain so they can give support to the WS. Exposing just brings to light that both parties have aside in this and generally the WS is not fully divulging the truth. Usually exposure is done through email exchanges and face to face not through posting on social media so it isn't out there for everyone to see. I may be wrong but I believe that OP in this case was exposing through emailing to the FB friends and not through social media or posting on the Internet as you seem to think.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're right, I was speaking of the more public exposures (although I would include mass emails sent to contact lists in this category as well as FB and cheaterville posting and other similar sites). I'm not talking about private conversations or personal emails between friends. You're also right that a WS will often talk to their friends and take pre-emptive strikes on the BS that might include excuses for cheating. However, I don't think it's common for a WS to initiate a PUBLIC exposure. Usually the decision is whether a BS wants to go public on cheaterville, FB, etc and it's that decision i was trying to address.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

huebnem said:


> And I really don't get why my wife would be that mad honestly. It is like free advertising for her. Once I got the truth out of some people I am pretty sure she slept with half of the males on my post...and I am sadly not joking about that. I now know of about 60 males in my unit alone. So really its a bonus for her to let people know that she is always open for business.


I'm sure that none of those guys are lying


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

huebnem said:


> And I really don't get why my wife would be that mad honestly. It is like free advertising for her. Once I got the truth out of some people I am pretty sure she slept with half of the males on my post...and I am sadly not joking about that. I now know of about 60 males in my unit alone. So really its a bonus for her to let people know that she is always open for business.


Had to deal with a similar situation with a female sgt who was married to a warrant officer back in the 80's. She was doing anyone who moved. When we met with her husband he said his wife was out of control and he could do nothing to stop her. She recently retired as an E-5. She had mental issues. I remember one soldier coming to me telling me he felt bad about what he just did. He and four other soldiers took her out for lunch and they all had sex with her. I know that there were several Sgt. Majors who tried to end her career but they were never sucessful. I never got the real story on why she was allowed to stay in for as long as she did. I do know that she was an E-5 from the 80's till the time she retired, which was a few years ago, never got promoted but allowed to work full time. 

Seems like you are handling this the best you can. THe JAG and chaplain seem to be giving you good advice. Just move on and let her continue her self destruction. There are issues within her that are way beyond normal for her to act this way.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I know that I ultimately plan on exposing to my STBXW's family and friends about her affairs but I'll also provide them with documented proof of her cell phone/texting/travel records.

This should not only paint her as the cheater that she truly is, but a liar, as well! And with her very own family treating me as one of their very own, it'll certainly be interesting to see what side of the fence they'll line up on, despite all of the damning documentation coming out against her!

And while she might well be able to hide from a lot of things in life, that documentation is something that she surely can't distance herself from!*


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I'm sure that none of those guys are lying


Another "Army Wives" story....


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

What the OP sees as having backfired I think has been a boon to him. 

"Know thine enemy".....

Isn't that one of the basic tenant's of war? Well OP, your exposure has shown you where the battle lines are drawn. Now you can make better informed decisions and you at least know who you can trust and who you cannot. 

I think your exposure was very successful.


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## huebnem (May 8, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I'm sure that none of those guys are lying


Yeah I would agree with that but that is from what I saw in her email...and it turns out that some of these guys were high ranking married people so I discovered that there have been some coverups in the past. As best I can tell the most high profile were a Sergeant Major, a 1st Sergeant, a couple Platoon leaders, and a random assortment of officers. I didn't include the large list of enlisted personnel either...it looks like she catered largely to Marines before and after they deployed but at some point she branched out to any service member.

I though I would dig up some dirt but this is a whole new level of messy...and no I didn't use a keylogger for this I had a friend open the files on the computer she left at home and that he was "fixing".


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## huebnem (May 8, 2013)

LostViking said:


> What the OP sees as having backfired I think has been a boon to him.
> 
> "Know thine enemy".....
> 
> ...



You are right it may have caused a storm but now I am back with my unit and I know who to trust and who not to trust...


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

huebnem said:


> Yeah I would agree with that but that is from what I saw in her email...and it turns out that some of these guys were high ranking married people so I discovered that there have been some coverups in the past. As best I can tell the most high profile were a Sergeant Major, a 1st Sergeant, a couple Platoon leaders, and a random assortment of officers. I didn't include the large list of enlisted personnel either...it looks like she catered largely to Marines before and after they deployed but at some point she branched out to any service member.
> 
> I though I would dig up some dirt but this is a whole new level of messy...and no I didn't use a keylogger for this I had a friend open the files on the computer she left at home and that he was "fixing".


WOW... She's entertained more troops than the USO!


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## huebnem (May 8, 2013)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> WOW... She's entertained more troops than the USO!


Haha! Yeah I guess I should give her some credit for that. But she hid it from me well and others didn't feel the need to tell me until NOW!!!!


But seriously, anyone reading this just pray for me because soon, very soon my wife and I will be in the same location...I can run and hide from a sandstorm but I fear that this could get nasty...


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Whatever you do keep it calm. She may have ruined your marriage and hurt you deeply but do not let it hurt your career or your dignity. When you see her have a VAR on you to keep track of the conversations 

Thank you for your service and I am so sorry you are going through this crap. Stay Safe and keep your head in the game


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## huebnem (May 8, 2013)

mahike said:


> Whatever you do keep it calm. She may have ruined your marriage and hurt you deeply but do not let it hurt your career or your dignity. When you see her have a VAR on you to keep track of the conversations
> 
> Thank you for your service and I am so sorry you are going through this crap. Stay Safe and keep your head in the game


I can't get a VAR right now I have to wait until we are home. However, I told her no parties in the house for any reason whatsoever...she may be in the house with her daughter and close family and that is it. I am going to try and plant a VAR in the bedroom when I get back too. Even though I am filing for divorce ASAP the military is still VERY strict on the rules...no sex with anyone else until the divorce is FINAL! 

My only problem is that I am not sure how to monitor the house while she is still in it...


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

huebnem said:


> Yeah I would agree with that but that is from what I saw in her email...and it turns out that some of these guys were high ranking married people so I discovered that there have been some coverups in the past. As best I can tell the most high profile were a Sergeant Major, a 1st Sergeant, a couple Platoon leaders, and a random assortment of officers. I didn't include the large list of enlisted personnel either...it looks like she catered largely to Marines before and after they deployed but at some point she branched out to any service member.
> 
> I though I would dig up some dirt but this is a whole new level of messy...and no I didn't use a keylogger for this I had a friend open the files on the computer she left at home and that he was "fixing".


Wow!!! What do you plan to do about it ? 

Do you have sufficient evidence?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Var on you and vars around the house.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

huebnem said:


> Yeah I would agree with that but that is from what I saw in her email...and it turns out that some of these guys were high ranking married people so I discovered that there have been some coverups in the past. As best I can tell the most high profile were a Sergeant Major, a 1st Sergeant, a couple Platoon leaders, and a random assortment of officers. I didn't include the large list of enlisted personnel either...it looks like she catered largely to Marines before and after they deployed but at some point she branched out to any service member.
> 
> I though I would dig up some dirt but this is a whole new level of messy...and no I didn't use a keylogger for this I had a friend open the files on the computer she left at home and that he was "fixing".


I might suggest that these emails be forwarded to everyone in the command.

By the way, the overall military could care less about who you or your wife is sleeping with, but good leaders do care and will intervene, if given evidence. I have seen heads roll at high levels, mid levels and low levels. I have also seen coverups from the top down and this is all dependent on the leader/s. 

Sometimes going outside the command is the way to go. I am not in your unit, but if this is like you say, it is as bad as it gets and I have never seen or heard a story like this in over 39 years in the military. I have seen guys and gals over the top, but typically it is lower ranks where this stuff does not matter so much, but if all these senior folks are involved and as many as you say, I might suggest you go to a major news outlet. THe military hates negative publicity.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

huebnem said:


> She wiped the accounts nearly clean. And since she shower no indication of acting like this before she handled all of the money. So all the investments, savings, everything gone. I don't spend a lot of money...so there is no reason for me to be in debt. Especially on this deployment with all the extra pay, a reenlistment bonus, and an extra $500 a month because I volunteered for this deployment.


 Get hold of your bank statements showing your deposits and her withdrawals so your lawyer can claim that she owes you half of that back.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

huebnem said:


> My only problem is that I am not sure how to monitor the house while she is still in it...


 Hire an electronics company to come in and wire the house with cameras. For security. That you control virtually from another location.


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## huebnem (May 8, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> I might suggest that these emails be forwarded to everyone in the command.
> 
> By the way, the overall military could care less about who you or your wife is sleeping with, but good leaders do care and will intervene, if given evidence. I have seen heads roll at high levels, mid levels and low levels. I have also seen coverups from the top down and this is all dependent on the leader/s.
> 
> Sometimes going outside the command is the way to go. I am not in your unit, but if this is like you say, it is as bad as it gets and I have never seen or heard a story like this in over 39 years in the military. I have seen guys and gals over the top, but typically it is lower ranks where this stuff does not matter so much, but if all these senior folks are involved and as many as you say, I might suggest you go to a major news outlet. THe military hates negative publicity.


No I went to an outside command instead. There are bad units out there but this unit is currently a Frankenstein unit and I only got drafted into it from another unit because they need mechanics. 

Our unit was under investigation twice before so I already talked to CID and IG...apparently ALOT of IG complaints have been rolling in. Our unit currently holds the highest STD rating...not sure out of what but who cares. Luckily another unit stole the award for most rapes... 

Honestly it isn't just her that is screwing her way across the Army. A lot of this happened before she got to the unit. My most memorable quote I overheard at the chow hall in Kuwait was "You want to be an instructor because of the two P's...Promotion and *****." I mean why would you even think like that?!?! 

I know a lot of people love the Army but if some of this crap doesn't change it will rot from the inside out. I still want to stay in but I have seen some disgusting behavior across the board.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

huebnem said:


> No I went to an outside command instead. There are bad units out there but this unit is currently a Frankenstein unit and I only got drafted into it from another unit because they need mechanics.
> 
> Our unit was under investigation twice before so I already talked to CID and IG...apparently ALOT of IG complaints have been rolling in. Our unit currently holds the highest STD rating...not sure out of what but who cares. Luckily another unit stole the award for most rapes...
> 
> ...


There are toxic units and toxic leaders. My unit in Iraq had 4,500 soldiers. We had 14 females get pregnant. As far as STD's, I don't remember that being an issue. We had one sexual assault and that soldier went to Leavenworth. Several officers did get courts martialed for sexual misconduct and or adultery. 

As far as instructors doing it for the two P's. See what happens when an instructor gets caught having sex with a student. I have witnessed it. I lived throught the sexual misconduct in the Army in 1996 and 1997 when D.I's were charged for having sex with recruits during basic training. It became a national news story. 

I have served with some tough guys, but when it comes to this crap, they don't tolerate it.


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## huebnem (May 8, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> There are toxic units and toxic leaders. My unit in Iraq had 4,500 soldiers. We had 14 females get pregnant. As far as STD's, I don't remember that being an issue. We had one sexual assault and that soldier went to Leavenworth. Several officers did get courts martialed for sexual misconduct and or adultery.
> 
> As far as instructors doing it for the two P's. See what happens when an instructor gets caught having sex with a student. I have witnessed it. I lived throught the sexual misconduct in the Army in 1996 and 1997 when D.I's were charged for having sex with recruits during basic training. It became a national news story.
> 
> I have served with some tough guys, but when it comes to this crap, they don't tolerate it.


Yeah I just learned of some more pregnancies today...all of them at home and none by their husbands. Apparently our command has been almost completely replaced while I was away and I am proud of our new leadership...they are not taking any of this crap and are really cleaning the pipes.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> Oh man, I'm a drunk, I abused her and I cheated on her first.
> 
> These are the things my STBXWW tells her friends and family, all of which are untrue. Amazing what cheating does to a previously loving spouse.
> 
> You should have expected this.


*I know all too well that when I finally get around to exposing STBXW, that I'm going to richly find that there will be similar self-serving, uncorroborated stories about me, hastily placed out onto the family and close-friend airwaves by her; quantitatively defying all logic and common-sense, that won't even begin to hold one scintilla of truth; perpetuated mostly to help her gain some element of sympathy and favor, either from their lack of knowledge and/or self-imposed ignorance or isolation from the true facts.

And while, in telling them about her long-term, multifaceted affairs with her OMen by use of copies of our joint cell phone records, her FB postings to them, and of comparative analyses, it really makes me wonder if they'll just choose to not offer to ever examine that evidence, and remain comfortably ignorant, just to keep her looking pristine in their eyes!

That is why I only want to let just a select few of her family and friends know about it, so that it will ultimately splinter or factionalize them to the point that many of them will come to the fast realization that, not only is she quite adept at cheating on her husband, but also just as equally adept at being the pathological liar that she truly is, in order to save her own sorry ass from their wrath!*


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