# New Need Advice Thread



## Needadviceplease123 (Jul 25, 2016)

Need Advice

I need some advice as well. I am recently married, four months about, to a wonderful woman. There's a 2 year old girl in the picture from my wife previous relationship. There's a dilemma I have been with this woman on and off for 7 years. We break up get back together over and over. She always asked about marriage and I have always put it off. Anyways this last break up was serious we left she moved to her hometown I moved to mine. Unbeknownst to me I thought we were still together. Well anyways During that period she got pregnant and had her daughter with another man. That loomed over us for the longest after we got back together. Four months ago however we got married. I somewhat felt pressured. That's the first half. Second half is there's this woman. I have known her since my time in Arizona so give or take two years maybe more. I had messed with her while I was single and she was married but she was in the process of a divorce. However her family got in the way of our relationship. So we ended it. She moved on and we would always manage to find our way back to each other. She makes me laugh, makes me happy and love her kids as well. She's pregnant now and I have been talking to her about how unhappy I am with my marriage. Don't get me wrong I love my wife, but we always argue can never see eye to eye and as she always put it it feels more of a business relationship then anything cause the only reason we stick around is cause we need each other I love my wife because of my health condition she makes sure I am taken care of to the T but so does the other person. Thing is that's true if it was a few years ago. Present day is I make enough about 2000 a month to be able to live on my own however she doesn't and that's where the dilemma comes in. I am about 50% wanting to walk away but my heart is too big because I know if I walk away then it may potentially leave them without anywhere to go but I'm unhappy. We been trying to work things out for a long time now. Advice please


----------



## Whirlpool (Jul 25, 2016)

Let me tell you, you've got a long hard road ahead of you. 

Married 4 months and you're already considering leaving.

What do you think it will be like in 4 years, better or worse?


----------



## Needadviceplease123 (Jul 25, 2016)

She has cheated before we always argue, and I mean ALWAYS. We never see eye to eye. Our recent debacle is that I asked to take her with me to see my mom . She says she doesn't want her around my mom or doesn't want her to have anything to do with her because she feels she doesn't treat her right. She denounces the fact that my mom is her grandmother I know technically she isn't but I had asked her When I am around do I allow anything to happen to her. She agreed. It hurts cause I been with this child since birth and my mom always asks of her gets her things etc. And my wife's family isn't any better. Very very few tolerate me out of respect of her and others don't even speak when I'm around


----------



## Whirlpool (Jul 25, 2016)

What do you mean your mom is your wife's grandmother but technically she isn't?

You're confusing the heck out of me.


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Needadviceplease123 said:


> Need Advice
> 
> I need some advice as well. I am recently married, four months about, to a wonderful woman. There's a 2 year old girl in the picture from my wife previous relationship. There's a dilemma I have been with this woman on and off for 7 years. We break up get back together over and over. She always asked about marriage and I have always put it off. Anyways this last break up was serious we left she moved to her hometown I moved to mine. Unbeknownst to me I thought we were still together. Well anyways During that period she got pregnant and had her daughter with another man. That loomed over us for the longest after we got back together. Four months ago however we got married. I somewhat felt pressured. That's the first half. *Second half is there's this woman. I have known her since my time in Arizona so give or take two years maybe more. I had messed with her while I was single and she was married but she was in the process of a divorce. *
> 
> ...


Sooo..Your heart is too big???? You mean, to big for anyone but you? Cause I would agree with that. Lets see...you spend time with a married woman....that ends. You get married yourself to a women that takes good care of you...BUT...you keep talking to this other woman (who happens to be pregnant with another man's child...meaning her husband's...hopefully)....and talking to her about how hard things are with your WIFE....

Have you considered...maybe...just for a second...that this other woman is merely distracting you from dealing with the issues you have with the woman the you legally agreed and promised (of your own volition)...to LOVE, HONOR, PROTECT, CHERISH...etc..????? 

maybe focus that whole...big heart you have...at your own marriage. I don't mean to be harsh...but you really need to wake up....and pay attention to what you are doing.


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Whirlpool said:


> What do you mean your mom is your wife's grandmother but technically she isn't?
> 
> You're confusing the heck out of me.


His mother is not "technically" the grandmother of the child his current wife has from a previous relationship.


----------



## Needadviceplease123 (Jul 25, 2016)

See that's where I am lost. I love my wife but also love this other woman. This other woman lives where I am ultimately trying to move back to. I am and have always been happy around this other woman. Sure we have our disagreements as well but whenever we are apart I always find my way back to her.

With my wife I have gotten to the fact I am not just happy anymore. Some parts of me believe I was unhappy way before we got married. Just merely stuck it out because we at the time could not stand on our own without the person

I'm now at the moment am in a spot where I make enough comfortably to be on my own


----------



## Needadviceplease123 (Jul 25, 2016)

Ok my wife child is from a previous relationship. She cheated on me and that's how she is here. Been around this child since birth. Love her dearly that's what's keeping me around.

However my wife looks at my mom as an outsider. She wants nothing to do with her and rather her daugjter not do so as well. She feels that my mom doesn't treat her right but I always ask her when I am around do I allow my mom to do anything to her she agreed.

So my issue is I feel that if I am this child father as I am all she knows then I should be allowed to make those kind of decisions


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Needadviceplease123 said:


> See that's where I am lost. I love my wife but also love this other woman. This other woman lives where I am ultimately trying to move back to. I am and have always been happy around this other woman. Sure we have our disagreements as well but whenever we are apart I always find my way back to her.
> 
> With my wife I have gotten to the fact I am not just happy anymore. Some parts of me believe I was unhappy way before we got married. Just merely stuck it out because we at the time could not stand on our own without the person
> 
> I'm now at the moment am in a spot where I make enough comfortably to be on my own


I would suggest stopping all contact with this other woman for 6 months. 6 months were you don't write, text, call, email, facebook stalk, nothing. During this time focus on the parts of your marriage that need work. Figure out your part, what about the current situation belongs to you? You didn't get here alone. 

You are married. Whatever you earn now....cut in half. that part belongs...legally...to your wife. Now do you think you could stand on your own?

What would you think if you stumbled on the post above.....but it was written by your wife? Be honest...what would you feel?


----------



## Needadviceplease123 (Jul 25, 2016)

Married dude you have a valid point. I appreciate the harsh words I am not mad at all it's what I needed to hear.

This person has a child with another dude that she is not with. 

However you are right at the end of the day it seems that staying with my wife is the right thing.

It's just so hard to do when all I do now is argue and argue and argue


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Needadviceplease123 said:


> Married dude you have a valid point. I appreciate the harsh words I am not mad at all it's what I needed to hear.
> 
> This person has a child with another dude that she is not with.
> 
> ...


It takes 2 to argue....If one of the 2 isn't taking the bait...it stops. What are the arguments about? Many times...if you take the time to really break down the disagreement...it's not that huge of a thing. Sometimes...people will argue, simply because it's easier to create distance than it is to be vulnerable enough to let someone be close. 

You are there with her everyday. Pay attention to the things she says. Think about them. Let her talk to you without you feeling the need to respond or fix things. Just listen.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr The Other said:


> So, you have a wife who takes care of you, but you want to sneak off and see another woman because she might be more fun, even though you have not managed anything serious in the seven years you have know her?
> 
> And your problem is that "heart is too big" and not that you are a selfish child?


{I'm bringing over posts from your other thread (name had to change), so I'm doing it as quotes. - elegirl}


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Needadviceplease123 said:
> 
> 
> > I need some advice as well. I am recently married, four months about, to a wonderful woman. There's a 2 year old girl in the picture from my wife previous relationship. There's a dilemma I have been with this woman on and off for 7 years. We break up get back together over and over. She always asked about marriage and I have always put it off. Anyways this last break up was serious we left she moved to her hometown I moved to mine. *Unbeknownst to me I thought we were still together.* Well anyways During that period she got pregnant and had her daughter with another man. That loomed over us for the longest after we got back together. Four months ago however we got married. I somewhat felt pressured. That's the first half.
> ...


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> You weren't/aren't ready to be married. It's unfortunate this wasn't figured out 5 months ago. For your wife's sake and her child's sake. Spare her the grief and divorce her now.


----------



## Needadviceplease123 (Jul 25, 2016)

The arguments sometimes are understandable and some are simply cause we aren't willing to see each other's point of view.

Our last one is that I am in a city I am unhappy with. Granted I have a job I love but I am very unhappy here. Before here I was in a state that I loved dearly and was successful there but my health caused me to move.

However I feel my home was there and I was going to save money and in two months leave without her but to make things happen so when she comes she can walk right into something.

She felt it was not a clear, cemented plan, I would disagree with her argue etc.

So I prayed and asked that if this move was the right move provide a way that allows me to do this. So a few days I got approved for disability first time applying for a decent amount. 

So now I brought up a different plan. That i would save money from my current job and with that and the income I feel I am more suited to go to get things ready for us.

Now she feels I should wait until she is done with school and gets at least 3-6 months experience in a nursing job that she doesn't have yet


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Needadviceplease123



Needadviceplease123 said:


> Philly see that's where I am torn because I have always felt I was rushed into the marriage I mean I love being married but we have a lot of problems. She has cheated before we always argue, and I mean ALWAYS. We never see eye to eye.
> 
> Our recent debacle is that I asked to take her with me to see my mom . She says she doesn't want her around my mom or doesn't want her to have anything to do with her because she feels she doesn't treat her right. She denounces the fact that my mom is her grandmother I know technically she isn't but I had asked her
> 
> ...


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Needadviceplease123 said:
> 
> 
> > Philly see that's where I am torn because I have always felt I was rushed into the marriage I mean I love being married but we have a lot of problems. She has cheated before we always argue, and I mean ALWAYS. We never see eye to eye.
> ...


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Needadviceplease123 said:


> The arguments sometimes are understandable and some are simply cause we aren't willing to see each other's point of view.
> 
> Our last one is that I am in a city I am unhappy with. Granted I have a job I love but I am very unhappy here. Before here I was in a state that I loved dearly and was successful there but my health caused me to move.
> 
> ...


So...what you are doing, in this instance, should be coming together and creating a plan that works for your family. It doesn't have to be arguments. I mean, in her defense...planning to up and leave your family...while you go ahead and search for what? job, home, etc...doesn't really give her much input...i couldn't imagine picking out a home...without my wife....she would feel pretty disrespected...

How much longer does she have in school? Isn't it very difficult to change schools...to another state...then establish residency for tuition, etc..? 

also....so you wanted to return to the town where the other woman was located for a couple months without your wife???? I mean...that doesn't sound like a family and marriage friendly plan..


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Needadviceplease123 said:


> What I mean is that if I am going to be a part of her daughter's life, and if I am seen as a father to her then I should be allowed to do fatherly duties.
> 
> So if I want to take her for a couple days to see my mom it shouldn't be no issue hands down. When the mom wants to take her to her friends house or other family members I'm supposed to have no issue with that.
> 
> ...


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like the little girl is not your daughter, but instead a step-daughter.

How involved is her father in her life? Does he spend time with her? Does he provide child support?

How much financial support do you provide for this little girl?


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I assume he means that his mom is the BABY'S grandmother (step grandmother) and not his wife's grandmother...

If she only has a few more months to finish Nursing school it isn't unreasonable to wait until she finishes school to move out of state and set down permanent roots.

She cheated on you, is this in addition to the time you were on a break and she got pregnant? I don't consider that cheating if you were broken up- were there other times?

You are cheating on her, at a minimum emotionally by longing for the girl you were with when you were on a break. 

Seems to be a lot to overcome in this relationship. I'm not sure it's worth the time and effort for any of the parties involved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm still confused about the child.

You said that the child is from the affair that your wife had, right? 

So were you married when your wife had the affair and got pregnant?

Were you married to your wife when the baby was born?\


Are you 100% sure that the other man is the biological father of the little girl? Is there any chance that you are actually her father?


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Please clarify something if you will, this other woman in an unhappy marriage is also pregnant but not from you or her husband but yet another man? Am I reading that correctly?

If in fact that is true, you seem to be in love with two women who have cheated and gotten pregnant....honestly you shouldn't be with either of them.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I'm still confused about the child.
> 
> You said that the child is from the affair that your wife had, right?
> 
> ...


They split up.

She met someone, she fell pregnant, but did not stay with the father.

Then OP and his love got back together, but there is now the little girl, too.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Needadviceplease123 said:


> I am recently married, four months about, to a wonderful woman.
> 
> I have been with this woman on and off for 7 years. We break up get back together *over and over*.
> 
> ... she moved to her hometown I moved to mine.* Unbeknownst to me I thought we were still together*. Well anyways During that period she got pregnant and had her daughter with another man.


So you two drama junkies break up and make up for years on end. But you, poor soul, are the hapless victim here. She moves away. You move away. But somehow, this time 'round, you don't think you are actually broken up but still together. Heck, she gets pregnant by another man and this has you totally befuddled. 



Needadviceplease123 said:


> Four months ago however we got married. *I somewhat felt pressured.*


I imagine you did feel pressured. After all, victims always feel that life is happening TO them. Seven year's worth of this drama-fest, and you still are just backing in and out of the relationship. Amazing.



Needadviceplease123 said:


> Second half is there's this woman. I have known her since my time in Arizona *so give or take two years maybe more.* I had messed with her while I was single and she was married but she was in the process of a divorce. However her family got in the way of our relationship.


Okay. You've known this other women "two years maybe more." That tells me, at least according to your timeline, that while you and your gf (now wife) had broken up "unbeknownst" to you, you were messing around with someone else. Uh huh. Sure. So you are having sex with a married woman, think you and your gf are still together (although living physically apart), and this time HER family got in the way of the relationship continuing.

Wow. You are certainly are the victim of circumstance aren't you? You got married because you were pressured. You broke up with a married woman because her family didn't want the relationship to continue. Basically, you aren't directly responsible for the mess you call your life, right? 



Needadviceplease123 said:


> She makes *me* laugh, makes *me* happy and love her kids as well. She's pregnant now and I have been talking to her about* how unhappy I am *with my marriage.
> 
> I love my wife *because of my health condition she makes sure I am taken care of to the T but so does the other person.*
> 
> I am about 50% wanting to walk away but my heart is too big because I know if I walk away then it may potentially leave them without anywhere to go *but I'm unhappy*.


Okay. The woman you messed around with when you had the unknown breakup with your wife makes YOU happy. But you love your wife because she takes care of you.

I'll be honest with you, mister, you are either weaving one of the most outrageously bogus posts I've ever seen here on my five-plus years, or you are the most self-serving, immature, selfish SOB to breathe.

So life is all about you being happy or unhappy. You are just torn between the two women because they both take care of you, given your health condition. But the I-messed-around-with babe makes YOU so happy! After all, life is about being "happy" isn't it?

Grow a pair. Grow up. Get real. Quit living the soap opera drama. You are married. Put on your big man jockey briefs and own up to what is yours in this hot mess.

Seriously.


----------



## Needadviceplease123 (Jul 25, 2016)

The girl father passed away before birth. I am in her life 100% in all functions including financially


----------



## Needadviceplease123 (Jul 25, 2016)

The baby came while my wife cheated before we got married. It's 100% the child is not mine. We weren't having sex a little bit before the breakup.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Okay. I see. So your now-wife cheated on you numerous times. You cheated on her as well, with another woman. 

Do you see where this sounds like some trashy pulp fiction novel? What the heck is wrong with you people???? Learn to quit f^cking other people. Learn to quit pointless arguments.

Why are you arguing with your wife? Because both of you want things your own way and neither one is ready to compromise. Marriage is about compromise, not whether or not you are "happy" in your sense of the word.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Needadviceplease123 said:


> The baby came while my wife cheated before we got married. It's 100% the child is not mine. We weren't having sex a little bit before the breakup.


OK, if the baby had been born when you were married, you would be the baby's legal father even if you are not the baby's biological father. Since the baby was born before you married, you are not the babies legal father either. I think you know this. But I wanted to make sure of the legal relationship.

Have you and your wife ever talked about you adopting the child?

Does your wife have a job? What percentage of your joint income does she earn?

Do you contribute financially to the care (food, home, clothing, etc) of this little girl?


----------



## Needadviceplease123 (Jul 25, 2016)

I contribute about 70-75% of the income.


----------



## Needadviceplease123 (Jul 25, 2016)

I talked about adopting in the past but according to a few people I can be asked to pay child support if I do


----------



## Needadviceplease123 (Jul 25, 2016)

Overall I want to stay it's just frustrating sometimes you know but guess that's marriage how should I break things with the other person I have feelings for


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Needadviceplease123 said:


> I contribute about 70-75% of the income.


Does that mean that you are supporting 70-75% of the cost of raising her child?


----------



## Needadviceplease123 (Jul 25, 2016)

You can say that I work full-time and have other income


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Needadviceplease123 said:


> Overall I want to stay it's just frustrating sometimes you know but guess that's marriage how should I break things with the other person I have feelings for


To break off the other relationship you go no-contact. Do a good search for "affair no contact letter". You will find some version of a letter that you can send her. 

There is no last meeting... why? Because if you meet her in person to break it off you will not break it off.

Then after sending the letter, never contact her again.

If you are going to stay with your wife and you are supporting her child, it's reasonable for you to expect that you have some say in things like your mother being able to see the child.

Get a book about step parenting. There are some on Amazon.com. Read them and learn what the relationship should be like. 

If your wife wants to leave you out of parenting her child and you do not want to adopt the child, then your wife needs to support her own child.

If the child's birth father passed away, the child is entitled to Social Security until she is 18... you need to tell your wife to get that up so that she can support her child.

And you and your wife need to go to counseling to learn how to have a marriage. Also get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs"... they will teach you both what you both apparently do not know about how to be married.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Needadviceplease123 said:


> You can say that I work full-time and have other income


This still does not tell me how much you contribute to the care of your wife's child.

I don't want to make assumptions because any assumption could be wrong.


----------



## Needadviceplease123 (Jul 25, 2016)

Overall in all aspects I support at least 70% of all expenses.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So what about getting Social Security for the child?


----------



## Needadviceplease123 (Jul 25, 2016)

Just brought that up she says she never has time. She goes to school Monday through Thursday and usually works Friday-Sunday, but I have always said request a Friday off you know


----------



## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Needadviceplease123 said:


> Need Advice
> 
> I need some advice as well. I am recently married, four months about, to a wonderful woman. There's a 2 year old girl in the picture from my wife previous relationship. There's a dilemma I have been with this woman on and off for 7 years. We break up get back together over and over. She always asked about marriage and I have always put it off. Anyways this last break up was serious we left she moved to her hometown I moved to mine. Unbeknownst to me I thought we were still together. Well anyways During that period she got pregnant and had her daughter with another man. That loomed over us for the longest after we got back together. Four months ago however we got married. I somewhat felt pressured. That's the first half. Second half is there's this woman. I have known her since my time in Arizona so give or take two years maybe more. I had messed with her while I was single and she was married but she was in the process of a divorce. However her family got in the way of our relationship. So we ended it. She moved on and we would always manage to find our way back to each other. She makes me laugh, makes me happy and love her kids as well. She's pregnant now and I have been talking to her about how unhappy I am with my marriage. Don't get me wrong I love my wife, but we always argue can never see eye to eye and as she always put it it feels more of a business relationship then anything cause the only reason we stick around is cause we need each other I love my wife because of my health condition she makes sure I am taken care of to the T but so does the other person. Thing is that's true if it was a few years ago. Present day is I make enough about 2000 a month to be able to live on my own however she doesn't and that's where the dilemma comes in. I am about 50% wanting to walk away but my heart is too big because I know if I walk away then it may potentially leave them without anywhere to go but I'm unhappy. We been trying to work things out for a long time now. Advice please


Just me, but I'd say you need to take about five years off from relationships to figure out what you want and how to gain some stability in your emotions.

But that's just me.


----------



## Needadviceplease123 (Jul 25, 2016)

Thanks for the advice


----------

