# I have a question.



## goodmnboy (May 21, 2008)

I have been married for eleven years. i have been a very loyal husband, and a good father to 2 children. I married my wife when she was twenty and i was 28. My wife works full time and so do i. My wife usually works nights and i work days so we don't see alot of each other. She goes out to the bar with her friends from work after she gets off at night and doesn't come home until closing time at 2:00 am. This happens probably twice a week and some time 3. I love my wife and still love her, but we have both been frustrated with everyday life, and now she says she loves me, but she is not "in love with me". I know she needs her escape and release from work, home, ect. and i understand that, but i can't help thinking something is going on the longer this goes on. I don't want to tell her not to go, but if i do she gets mad and says im trying to controll her. She says she just goes out with her friends, but i am not nieve and know that she gets hit on when she is out. I don't know what to do. I want to save my marriage, but there is so much tension. please help!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Get a baby-sitter and go with her, that way you know what is going on. You share her relaxing time. You meet her friends.

draconis


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## happilymarried67 (May 7, 2008)

I think the babysitter idea is great. It is two nights a week and you guys are young. When I was early 30's I worked all day as a nurse, my hubby and I stay out till 2-3 in the morning. Also maybe a babysitter once in a while during the shift that you are both off to reconnect with each other. It seems that she is growing apart because of the lack of connection. Text her, leave her love notes, hugs, use different things that can reconnect the two of you and not make it seem like your family is a business partnership with kids. You have to be a part of each others lives even when you are not together and when either one of you comes home from work you need to make that connection again.


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## goodmnboy (May 21, 2008)

yeah, but she goes out right after work and im stuck with the kids. it's pretty hard to get a babysitter at 11 at night.


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## happilymarried67 (May 7, 2008)

not necessarily- especially during the summer. I have older teens that babysit when my hubby plays in his band till 2am. You can do it if you want it bad enough. You just have to search. I know teenagers, early 20's that work till 9 or 10 pm and don't mind an evening when the kids are asleep. If you feel comfortable with a babysitter I have had them sleep overnight in the guest room when the kids are asleep. Should I even dare to say I have my neighbor's daughter sleep over and we have had a whole night out together with a hotel to boot. Once you have a babysitter go meet her at work, or wait for her at work at 1045pm. You can do whatever you want if you put your mind to it. My neighbor has kids and would trade evenings out. I take her kids she takes mine a different night. Don't forget to go out on a date when you aren't working too. Where there is a will there is a way. Don't give up hope.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Be sure the time you do have together is quality time for the two of you as well as with the kids. Communicate to her that you know things are hard right now and that being apart so much is making things harder. It just means both of you will have to work harder to improve your relationship. Show her love and support but don’t dote on her.


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## football80 (May 15, 2008)

You sound like a great husband and a good father. I think your wife might be going through something. It sounds to me like she might be looking back at her life and thinking that she never got a chance to "have fun" because she got married so young. You probably were her first love, her first everything. So now, she might have made friends with women who are single and have no one they have to come home to and she might be looking at that life and wants it too. I think you definitely should have a date night. Plan everything and tell her not to go anywhere after work that evening cuz that evening is going to be for you guys. Talk to her about how you feel. You sound like you're a really understanding person, tell her that you feel she is not repecting you with her late nights, nor the kids. Because it's not right. She is not single, so she needs to stop acting like she is. That's not fair to you. She is lucky to have a man like you and not someone who is acting like her. Maybe once a month if she wants to go out like that--cool, but 2-3 times a week that's like on some ol' college level. And I'm sure you're tired after work and don't feel like going out 2-3 times a night until 2am. You have work the next day. This to me is very serious if she is saying she in not in love with you. You need to take a day off from work and really find out what is up.


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## berlinlife06 (Dec 26, 2007)

Going to a bar with your friends from work after work, specially if you work at odd hours is more common than you think, simply because the same people get less time to socialize "the normal way". So, ask her if you can join her some time. And ask her right out if she is having an afair with someone else. The feeling of "not being in love" happens after some time too.


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

When a woman says "I love you but am not in love with you" it's a womans subtle way of saying she is thinking of cheating on you and already has someone in mind or in line. 
I think we should see other people or I think we need a break means she has already cheated and is now in love with another guy.

You do sound like a nice guy and a good father, unfortunately this will do nothing to stop a selfish woman from doing what ever she wants with her life. 

I say just take care of your self for a little while, make her come home to help take care of her children. You can't make her be a good Wife but you can make her do her part as a mother, this will put an end to those 3am out with the co-workers sessions.
If she asks why you can't simply keep doing it, you can be honest and simply tell her that you are done being the babysitter while she stays out late at your expense or you can start going out your self and not coming home till 3am and see how she likes it.

Trust me, nice guys truly do "finish last". You will get more respect or at least fairness if you "man up" be a little bit of a prick and have her feel it in her own skin.

I have been practicing this myself for some time now and it seems to work. I am by nature a "nice" guy as well and know how hard it is to be a jerk to someone you are trying to love, but it's necessary sometimes.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I would think working opposite shifts could play a major role in the two of you drifting apart. I'm not sure in your case if this is a necessity for your/her employment or for childcare coverage, but I would look into better aligning your schedules if possible. In the very least, it would show that you are both working on rebuilding and will also give you much needed time together. If right now you are only together in passing, I would imagine it's easy to fall into a rut with the ins and outs of daily life & it sounds as though she's using the nights out to get out of the rut. I would focus on ways to spend more time with each other to fill that void.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

draconis said:


> Get a baby-sitter and go with her, that way you know what is going on. You share her relaxing time. You meet her friends.
> 
> draconis


Great advice if your spouse is open to the idea. However, if she dismisses the request as intrusive, upon what appears to be 'escape' time for her, then you haven't learned anything, and likely will only have that much more doubt and frustration.

I think you can get some answers based upon what she has already told you;
Ask her if she would like to work towards being 'in love' with you once again. The answer to that question lays out a path for both of you.


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## Cindy (May 10, 2008)

I don't think it is unreasonable to remind her that although you do understand her need for space and unwinding, you are concerned over the recent knowledge that she's "not IN love with you" and are simply asking that she skip the bar a few nights so you can spend some much needed time with her.

How does she expect to drop that bomb then wonder why you are a little insecure over her nights out now? It's ok to be honest about that. I personally, as a wife, would find other ways to unwind if I felt myself slipping away from husband and he was at all uncomfortable about my going out as a result. It's not a control issue so much as it is respect, IMHO. It may seem unreasonable to your wife, but my night out is not so important that my husband is left feeling like poop. 

Let her know the recent revelation makes you feel like there are things that need to be worked on and that can't happen with her at the bar. If she needs to relax, y'all can light a candle and get your groove on!  It's a much better way to unwind than some smokey, loud bar and it does wonders on the heart.

Let her know it's not about control, it's about compromise and you're only asking her to curtail the nights out to maybe one night a week instead of three. Then tell her it worries you more that she isn't willing to do that. ( Honestly, the "control" issue sounds like a bull butter argument to me.) If you were controlling, she wouldn't be able to go out at all! 

You can plan a night out together so that a babysitter will be possible at 11. Very good idea to meet her friends and hang out with them! Just her reaction to you wanting to tag along should speak volumes. I hope it all works out.


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