# Please Help, my sex life is ruining my whole relationship.....



## OliviaD (Feb 24, 2010)

Hi,
So this is the first time I am posting about anything like this, or ever really posting. I am desperate to talk to someone, but am ashamed to have the discussion with anyone that I know.... I need some advice.

I've read through quite a few threads, and am starting to realize that I am completely not alone. I want to make it really clear that I in no way shape or form want to leave my husband, I just need some advice on how to handle a huge void in my marriage.

My marriage is great except for one very important aspect, our sex life. My husband is so amazing, and I truly think that I'm so lucky to have him. We've been married almost 3 years, and together about 3.5 years. 

The sex has never been all that great. Because of our beliefs, we decided to wait until we were married to have sex. Neither of us were virgins, but did make the decision to wait for each other when we met. I feel like my husband has no idea how to touch me, and gets very offended when I try to tell him what I need (like he's not a man if he can't figure it out himself). Then if he figures out one thing that I like, he reverts to that move every time. It's just......bad.

Since we got married 3 years ago, my husband has put on about 50-60 lbs. I don't think I'm exagerating. He was already a little bit chubby to begin with, so this has pushed him to about 280-290lbs or more. He was still pretty athletic when I met him, I've even seen his basketball game affected on the court (he loves to play).

I've put on a little bit of weight, but we're talking more like 10lbs, which I've already lost a good portion getting back to the gym. I'm in pretty good physical shape. So I'm not thinking I'm perfect, just to make that clear.

I tried to tell him about a month ago how the weight gain makes me feel. He cried, acknowledged the problem, and promised me he was going to make the effort to get in shape. He has done really very little to change, and I find every beer, glass of wine, unhealthy thing that he puts in his mouth makes me want to scream.

I can't stop thinking about all of the amazing sex that I've had with past partners, and it just makes me more angry! I wish I didn't have them to compare to, but I do......

Please Help! I want to know how to approach the situation.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Opinions about fitness and attraction tend to be pretty volatile. Here is my piece:

If you don't respect yourself enough to take care of your body, how do you expect me to respect you?

There are stereotypes and generalizations on both sides. Some perceive overweight and obese people as lazy and overindulgent. Some see fit people as vain a$$holes who think they are superior to everybody else. It is never that simple.

But ... unless your husband has a large frame and is about 6'4", he isn't overweight, he's obese. And color the issues however you like, obese simply is not attractive.

If he isn't intelligent enough, or his ego is so delicate that he would feel hurt by, or ignore your telling him what makes you feel good - I really don't see how you stand a chance as a couple.

There are hundreds of ways that you can engage in a healthy lifestyle together, particularly if you are responsible for food shopping. 

Personally, I don't think you should soft-shoe it. I think you should let him have it with both barrels and tell him something to this effect:

"If you refuse to respect yourself by taking better care of your health, and you refuse to respect me when I am giving you feedback about how I feel in and out of the bedroom, this marriage isn't going to work. I want better. I deserve better."

Let's put it this way, if you make him cry again, and he still does nothing? Give him a supportive rub on the back and start planning an exit strategy.

Alternatively, you can play nice, be supportive, try not to hurt his feelings while he becomes more doughy, and fumbles around your body like a sixteen year old.

Wow, I'm really sorry if all that sounds harsh. I think I have a hot-button for guys that are hell-bent on screwing up their relationship, and then act stunned and hurt when you aren't attracted to them anymore.


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

Olivia, if your relationship is good in other respects, are you still able to hold each other freely, with love? If you are, perhaps you might consider learning massage together. You might find it stretches hubby's tactile vocabulary. Massage could give you both the chance to interact and learn to discuss making each other feel good physically without it necessarily ending up in the more volatile area of sex. I say all this knowing only what you've told us above but might it work for you?


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Your husband probably needs help - a nutritionist, a doctor who specializes in weight loss, a personal trainer, something. . .I think it's time to break out the wallet and spend good money for some help for the sake of your marriage.

It sounds like he's trying (playing basketball) but keeps making some nutritional errors. And pound for pound, nutrition will always trump exercies.

THat's not to say exercise isn't important - it is - it produces testosterone (esp. strength training), wards off depression, and increases vascularity (to just name 3).

About 3 years ago. . .I had a health-altering change when I incorporated fasting into my routine. Here is my website:

Fasting Basics: Your Guide To The Practice of Fasting

Fasting has a bad rap (stretching back to when Oprah did Opti-Fast) but is now being studied by science and there are lots of health benefits besides the obvious on what everyone wants (weight loss) - the release of human growth hormone produces teenager-like hard-ons.

How's that for motivation for your husband? If he isn't diabetic, or has some other health problem, I'd recommend a looksee into the lifestyle (see my website for contraindicaitons and safety instructions).

A fast is nature's Viagra.

But that's just one approach - there's Weight Watchers', Jenny Craig, Atkins, South Beach. Whatever works for him, I wish him luck.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

If you have an exercise routine, how about involving him in that? Positive encouragement, rather than pointing out the negatives. Work on the exercise together. Take a couple of classes together. It would be a nice time to share something, I know it tends to arouse, and you may work on fixing two problems with one solution.


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## OliviaD (Feb 24, 2010)

Thank you for all of the advice!
I have tried a few things in the past, but maybe you can help here as well. I have a membership at a gym in town, but he sas he doesn't like it because it's too busy. I have suggested it now 3 or 4 times, but that hasn't happened. 

I do really like the idea of taking some classes together. I'm not sure which ones we would try. We both own start-up companies on top of that, so it's hard to find time together. Any suggestions for a type of class I might suggest? We don't live in a huge city (about 120,000 people), so choices may be a tad limited.

I can influence most of the meals, except for lunches where he eats out with clients, so I can make some changes there. I do all of the cooking (not complaining, I love to cook!). How do I control snacking at night? My husband does not eat a lot of bad food, it's mostly quantity that is the problem. I actually cook very healthy meals. It's the cereal, leftovers, etc, etc after I go to bed.

One more question too. The latest excuse that I have heard is "well I've lost some, I can feel it, stop bugging me this just takes time". He hasn't lost the weight, and it's not like I can ask him to get on the scale.

I guess as you can see I'm more worried about the weight right now. Since I really don't want to be in the bedroom until that part is fixed, I figure I can tackle the bedroom part later on. Make sense?

Thanks for the help! It's nice to have some husband's opinions!

Olivia


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## OliviaD (Feb 24, 2010)

steve71 said:


> Olivia, if your relationship is good in other respects, are you still able to hold each other freely, with love? If you are, perhaps you might consider learning massage together. You might find it stretches hubby's tactile vocabulary. Massage could give you both the chance to interact and learn to discuss making each other feel good physically without it necessarily ending up in the more volatile area of sex. I say all this knowing only what you've told us above but might it work for you?


I still love him very much, and like to be in his arms. I'm going to find out if that offer that around here as a class. I think it would be fun for sure.


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

Deejo gave you great advice, in my opinion. Obesity is no small matter, and sometimes people really need a great big shock in order to get in action.

I would strongly recommend that you get your husband to a registered dietician or other competent nutritionist, and to a personal trainer. Some years back my H, who had always been athletic as a youth, started getting doughy. He hated it but couldn't seem to get much of anything to work. I hated it too - his body was just not attractive anymore. He knew it and it pressured everything in our marriage.

We saw a nutritionist and hired a personal trainer (we did sessions separately and together, and we still go to the gym together sometimes) and he lost nearly 35 lbs over a few months. More importantly, he's really kept it off now for almost five years. I think the fact that we really changed the way we eat had the most to do with it.

As for the sex question, I am a big believer in books, videos, and other "training aids." If you don't have a copy of The Joy of Sex, get one. Get Laura Corn's books, "101 Nights of Grrreat Sex" and the one on Romantic nights, and look through them together. I think these are great places to start, anyway.


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