# Relationship Triangle - Are You A Victim?



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I've been researching and reading about relationship triangles and what my role is in my marriage in order to help me figure out what I'm doing wrong and what I could do better in managing the wide variety of issues I find myself faced with (if you've seen my other threads, you KNOW what I'm talking about).

I read one today that hit the NAIL ON THE HEAD and thoroughly defines my role in my marriage at this time. It was like a light-bulb went off and I wanted to share it.

See if you see yourself in this - I did and I think it will help me to move out of this role and into a healthier role for myself and my husband.

Taking responsibility for others keeps us in victim-hood and on the Victim Triangle. Freedom from victim interaction is possible when we become responsible TO, versus responsible FOR others.

When we are responsible FOR others, we do the following:
Manipulate
Try to Fix
Cover for and try to protect
Rescue and care-take
Take control
Demand
Bully
Carry their feelings
Don't listen

When are are responsible TO others, we do the following:
Take care of our own business
Trust them to take care of their business
Show empathy & understanding
Encourage & empower
Share our experiences
Level and be honest
Listen

When we are responsible FOR others, we feel: 
Resentful
Exhausted
Overwhelmed
Anxious & fearful
"Liable for"
Guilt
Obligation
Judgmental
Pity

When we are responsible TO others, we feel:
At peace
Congruent (inside matches outside)
Relaxed & grounded
In touch with reality
Gratitude
Appreciation
Acceptance
Connection
FREE

It states that if you are feeling any of the negative feelings on the list, ask yourself who you are taking responsibility for. What can you do to move towards responsibility for self and responsibility TO them instead of FOR them.

This is where I'm at in my relationship with my husband. I am the victim in the victim triangle. As I was reading this article, I kept saying to myself - this is me, this is me, this is me.

I am the victim in the relationship with my husband, mother, daughter and son. And after really analyzing this article I realize that I have been for years! No wonder I'm exhausted, frustrated, feel like life has let me down, etc. It's because I've played the victim role and allowed it to continue.

This is part of what some of you were posting on my other thread - responsibility to ones self and to lose my notion of responsibility FOR others, that I needed to be responsible to me.

Boy - this has really opened my eyes and I'm looking forward to exploring it more and figuring out how I can have all of those feelings on the responsible TO others list - I need it!

Thanks everyone - I hope this helps someone else out, it was like getting hit with a sledgehammer for me.


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## gasunrise (Jan 13, 2011)

Wow, thank you so much for posting this. I see me there as well. Being able to acknowledge our behaviors allows for a clearer path to correcting the potholes. 

I appreciate you sharing this information.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

gasunrise said:


> Wow, thank you so much for posting this. I see me there as well. Being able to acknowledge our behaviors allows for a clearer path to correcting the potholes.
> 
> I appreciate you sharing this information.


You're welcome, if you want more information or to read up on it, you can get it free at Home. The site has several free presentations along with free articles and you can sign-up for a free mini-course too.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

The website is linked under the Home above, apparently I did something wrong with the link name. But if you click on it, it will take you there.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Yes, I identify with the "for" list---although I DO listen.

I'm working on not owning my H's every reaction and word, letting him deal with it, STOP FIXING!!!!!, and achieve that lovely-sounding congruence.

Thank you for sharing this, mwil.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Yes, I identify with the "for" list---although I DO listen.
> 
> I'm working on not owning my H's every reaction and word, letting him deal with it, STOP FIXING!!!!!, and achieve that lovely-sounding congruence.
> 
> ...


Yeah, me too - but I am told I don't listen.

De nada!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I like the different lists of being responsible "for" and "to" others. i think finding the difference between being responsible to others but not for others is an extremely difficult thing to learn. i sometimes end up going from one extreme to the other but dont know exactly where the happy medium is.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Even if you're calm and cool..when your H flips out over nothing...
Then gives a grudging: "sorry I yelled at you."
is that s worthless apology or does it count fir something
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

In my marriage, I was absolutely in victim status. It sure took me a long time to wise up and be responsible TO him. But that meant ending the marriage as well. (drug abuse) 
Thank you for posting this. I realize I've been in a victim status with my daughter who has Borderline Personality Disorder. I did read the book "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" which is helping me tremendously. It helps with everyone in my life, not just my daughter. Hard to let go when someone's on a self-destructive course.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

major misfit said:


> In my marriage, I was absolutely in victim status. It sure took me a long time to wise up and be responsible TO him. But that meant ending the marriage as well. (drug abuse)
> Thank you for posting this. I realize I've been in a victim status with my daughter who has Borderline Personality Disorder. I did read the book "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" which is helping me tremendously. It helps with everyone in my life, not just my daughter. Hard to let go when someone's on a self-destructive course.


I hear you loud and clear. My daughter is Bi-Polar and is in jail and some major trouble right now. It's taking everything I have not to bail her out and try to fix it. Her husband (who has filed for divorce), is not helping her either. It breaks my heart that she feels deserted and alone, but the reason she is in there is because of her own actions, not mine and not her husband's.

Regardless of the problems, others need to OWN what they do and live with the consequences of their choices. Very hard to realize and live when you're a parent. Us always being there to fix things and make excuses for them just allows them to continue the behavior, makes us victims and also enablers in the process.

A lot of people have problems and take care of themselves, etc. For me, it's time I let go and let others handle their own issues, I have enough of my own to deal with. If I can handle me, then they can handle themselves.

Good luck - I know how hard it is to have a child with a mental illness. You want to just shake them and say "snap out of it," but alas, its not that simple...

I'll check out that book too.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

All I know is my H has a lot of issues related to his relationships with his parents and brother, and residual anger and bitterness.
It builds character for me to recognize my own boundaries, and not kill myself trying to change him.
But I'm not going to "build character" at the expense of my own happiness.
He needs to stop acting like a jerk. Enough with the excuses and the blame. 
before I'm going to have kids with him, he's going to need to own those issues and rid himself of his resentments.
He's been in the nasty habit of being nice to everyone on the planet except those in his own family--that's how he was raised.
But it's time to let that go already.
He says he wants to do different than that--so do it.
I guess these things became magnified after we got married, and as the prospect of having our own kids became realistic.
I love him, and no, I will not own his behaviors.
I will not be a victim.
How do you treat a spouse like this in a way that THEY own their own stuff?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> All I know is my H has a lot of issues related to his relationships with his parents and brother, and residual anger and bitterness.
> It builds character for me to recognize my own boundaries, and not kill myself trying to change him.
> But I'm not going to "build character" at the expense of my own happiness.
> He needs to stop acting like a jerk. Enough with the excuses and the blame.
> ...



That's what I'm trying to learn - how to treat them so THEY own their own stuff?

What I'm doing is not reacting to things that aren't my fault, I can't control and not taking things personally.

I'll give an example that may seem simple - but I think its heading in the right direction.

Hubby complaining that his head hurts. I offer to get him one of his migraine meds, he says no, I'm okay.

In the past I would have pressed the issue, and then felt guilty because his head hurt and he wouldn't take his meds, taking it as my OWN problem and not HIS. 

Now, when he says no, I back off and decide that if he wants his head to hurt, well, he's a big boy - his decision. 

I let go of the need to feel bad because HE wants his head to continue hurting and that HE is too stubborn to do anything about it.

His problem, not mine.

I think that's how it's supposed to work - or I hope so - hope like hell I'm not going about this all wrong...


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

MWIL...you're on to something there. That is a very good example. I am having to apply this to my daughter, and it's hard sometimes. I want to HELP...I want to make it better...and sometimes, I just can't. 
It really is a good book. I can have my boundaries, and enforce them guilt free. Well..the guilt part admittedly takes some work. I told y'all I was a work in progress, lol!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I just feel so fed up right now with almost everything my H says and does...
I know that is terrible, I hate feeling this way but I can't help it and i feel like it's eating at me from the inside.
We're in "negative sentiment override," for those who have read Gottman.
I'm not happy right now, and I just hope there's a happier place on the other side of this for both of us together.
Right now I just feel like running away. 
I had to vent, thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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