# past porn addiction/not attracted - separation?



## confused27f

I am so sorry - this is LONG!

I'm 27, husband 32 - dated for over 4 years/married for 2.5yrs

I was 20 when I started dating him and was not initially attracted to his physical appearance or personality. He did not blow me away but I was not really looking for a serious relationship. I wasn't even old enough to legally drink alcohol and had just transferred home from out of town college. He, on the other hand was extremely persistent and infatuated. He was very sweet, stable, reliable, thoughtful, attentive, hardworking, intelligent, etc. He grew on me and I convinced myself he was what I "needed" and the type of guy that you "marry" vs the fun, outgoing, lookers I was dating. 

The problems started right off the bat. About a month into dating him, he started interrogating me about talking to my ex bfs and checking my cell phone for texts. We were not even in a serious relationship at that point IMO. I thought we were casually dating. About 3 mos in, I decided to finally sleep with him. The sex was not great. He wasn't experienced or confident in bed but I felt like a little vixen because he was blown away by my experience, creativity and performance in the bedroom. However, a few months later he started avoiding sex, saying he was tired. This completely freaked me out as a 20-21yr old female. Every other guy I dated wanted it anytime, anywhere and initiated most of the time. I stayed over his place often because I lived/worked 45min away. Sometimes I would use his computer when he wasn't there and always found massive amounts of porn. At first I just assumed he was like any other guy and had a collection over time. As our relationship went on, he continued to show less interest in me and or sex/affection but the porn continued. I questioned him and he said it was no big deal and every guy does it. All of my exes did look at porn but we had healthy sex lives as well. I felt like he was using porn as a substitute and it did a number on my self esteem and our relationship. We moved in together and it was highlighted more and more. I would lay in bed night after night feeling neglected and angry. We fought a lot and he started lying and hiding it. I'd find it over and over and he'd lie over and over. I asked for break at one point and broke up with him for about 3 months at another point. When I would try ending things, he would completely break down, cry, beg, plead, tell me he had nothing to live for, felt worthless, etc. He was abused (physically/emotionally/verbally) as a child and raised to feel worthless so I understood the root of the issues. I suggested counseling several times but he never wanted to and would become angry if I tried to discuss his childhood issues. I loved him deeply as a person and didn't want to hurt him. I felt like he could change, we could change and be something more so I kept trying. 

We started talking about marriage more and more and even looked at rings. He promised me he would never look at porn again and understood that if I found any, it was over. A few weeks before a trip to NYC, I found porn. Instead of asking him about it, I installed spyware on the computer. I found he was accessing it almost everytime he was home alone and was in yahoo fanclubs, belonged to sites, made up email addresses, etc. He even accessed one from work because the emails were timestamped. This made me sick and I didn't know what to do. I asked him about it and he lied so I presented him with the proof. He was on best behavior for a few weeks and then proposed. I said yes (mistake, I know but I felt it was right at the time.) 

I didn't trust him after that and the lack of sex and affection continued. The next year was focused around planning the wedding and I did find porn a few times. I was obsessed with checking his phone, email, the comp. etc. I went to a psychologist before the wedding to try to gain direction and insight. I wanted to call off the wedding. I tried telling husband I wanted to call it off but he broke down and convinced me it would work and that we were just under stress, etc. We got married (mistake#2, I know but I felt it was right at the time and couldn't see my life any other way. I truly loved and cared about him.)

The next 2 years were focused on trying to get pregnant. We both desperately wanted a child. We went through IVF 2x and miscarried 2x. It was an extremely stressful time and I found porn 2x since being married. I threatened divorce and have not found any since but it controlled me. I continued checking for porn and obsessing. I finally let go and decided I couldn't care about it anymore. My attitude was that if he wanted to do that then screw him. I guess it was self preservation. I continued encouraging therapy and went on my own. He went 1x and didn't like it. I gained a lot of weight over the time we were together - especially through IVF with all of the drugs and depression. Over the last 6 mos, I've focused completely on working out and dieting and improving my life and attitude. I'm happy in every aspect except marriage. I tried talking to him a few times and nothing came of it. I found myself completely disengaging and he noticed more and more. 2 weeks after I had a serious talk with him about counseling and not being happy, he found a conversation with a casual short term ex that I am friends with. In that convo I spilled everything about not being happy, regretting marriage, etc. My husband was livid but put all his focus into the guy I was talking to vs. the marrital issues. The last 3 wks have been hell - since he found it. He's been checking my email, phone, phone records, and asking daily if I talked to him. He's also been trying to be the guy I wanted all along - affectionate, initiating, etc. It doesn't feel right and I've basically decided in my heart and gut that things are not right and that I want out. I tried talking to my husband about it and we even tried couples therapy. HE is in denial and does not consider separation or divorce an option. He's really pushing to stay together and crying and I feel horribly guilty, scared and confused. However, that is what got me into this mess to begin with so I feel like I need to pursue it. I just don't know how to go about this or if it's something I'm going to regret. He's a great guy - thoughtful, hardworking, respectful, intelligent, etc. I am a passionate person who believes in living life to the fullest with no regrets. I feel empty in this marriage. Sure, on paper, it looks great and sure, I could stay in it and lead a decent life but not be truly happy. I LOVE him...truly, deeply care for him as a person. I just do not feel any spark - emotionally or physically. I am an idiot for getting married with reservations but I made a mistake and can't go back. I just don't know how to go forth with this. Keep trying to work on things? Trial separation? Dissolution? The consequences of any will not be easy but I want to be true to myself and him.

I also see family and friends blaming this on my weightloss and pinning me as superficial since husband is overweight. It is not that at all! I was smaller than I am now when I started dating him and he's been the same size all along. I know that is not a reason to stay but it makes me sick to think about it. If we do split, I'd like to be single for a good while and continue working on myself.


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## Chris Taylor

If you truly love him, you don't want to walk away without giving it everything you can.

If he truly wants to stay with you, make it a condition that you both go back to the marriage counselor. if he doesn't want to go, then you will either decide to leave or keep falling for the "I'll change" line.


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## Catherine602

It sounds like you got into the marriage for all the wrong reasons unfortunately. However, that's no reason to compound the problem and stay married. I think you were too young to make a decision about marriage and he was at a different stage in his life and you let him talk you into it. 

His deception about the porn, inability to be intimate with you, manipulation when you want to leave, is a poor foundation for a marriage. You were both wrong for letting this relationship go so far. It seems your love for him as a person is not enough for a marriage maybe for a friendship. His love was not enough to make him stop the porn and pay attention to you , not enough to make him to go to therapy and to be honest with you. 

It's difficult to hurt someone, but think of it this way you are releasing him to find someone who can truly love him. I doubt if he will suddenly develop a zest for life, that just does not seem to be him. Move on from this and take it as a lesson, follow your own council and don't let any one talk you into marking monumental decisions when you re so doubtful.


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