# Feeling the Xmas Gift Bubble burst



## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

Hi all
I have been with my partner/fiance nearly two years. The other night we attended an Xmas dinner, and his best friend gave him a lovely, thoughtful gift - it was a calendar made up of images of my partner in the sport he likes to play, taken over the year. I remarked that I thought it was a special and thoughtful gift - and I meant it - especially because I like to really think about people's gifts, and give them something personal like his friend had done. My fiance was really chuffed with the calendar, and well he should be, I thought, because it was a nice, personal gift.

When we got home as we got out of the car, he said, "Gee, Bob went to such a lot of trouble to put together that calendar, that's a really special gift. I mean, who else would give me a gift like that for Christmas except, for maybe my Mum?"

I was really hurt. Last Xmas I went to a lot of trouble to pick out gifts for him that I knew were his interests- and even he remarked that I had put a lot of thought into the gifts; (whereas he hadn't for me) I personally designed myself and had printed a T-shirt featuring his sport, (the same one on the calendar) for him, earlier in the year I painted a picture of something that of significance that I knew was special for him, and for his birthday I got a voucher for an adventure experience I knew he would love to do (and he is very keen). I thought of and arranged for a calendar of his own photos to be printed up (which he was very keen for). Throughout the year I take the time to do little things or cook things that I know he personally loves. So in terms of giving a non-generic gift and really well-thought out, personalised gifts, I go to a lot of time, energy and trouble, even making things myself. I listen carefully to what people say they like or want or are interested in - and then when it's time for Xmas or birthday, I try and get it for them. And the last year has been no exception. And he acknowledged the thought I put into things. 

And so when he said "who else was going to do something like that for him except perhaps his mother", (which I thought was odd, because last Xmas his mother gave us a bottle of wine and a box of chocolates, nothing wrong with those, but it's hardly the 'gone to a lot of trouble' or 'personalised' gift like his friend gave him, or I have given him in the past year), I was really hurt. I felt like saying, "Um, do you realise who you are saying this to?" As if he just didn't realise he was talking to me, his partner, and what he was actually saying.

I was really hurt that he could say that only his BF and his mother were capable of giving him a special, personal gift (Even though is mother hasn't done so, her gifts are the generic type). I felt hurt and taken for granted, as if all that I'd done over the last 2 years counted for nothing, even though at the time he would remark at the thought and energy and time I'd put into gifts, or the things that I do for him during the week that I know make him feel good. Even though I'd already done what his friend had done - made something personalised related to his sport, put together a calendar of the photos he has taken that he likes best. My gifts were of the same ilk as his BF, yet only his BF and his mother, in that statement, were capable of such thoughtfulness, was the message I was getting. I don't feel it was directed at me, it was a 'forgetting' who he was talking to.

So because of that remark -which I felt like was wine-talking and unconciously forgetting who he was with - all my ideas for Xmas gifts for him have deflated and gone out the window, and I now just don't feel like doing anything or getting him anything - that anything I do gift-wise is pointless.


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

Sit him down and talk to him about this, when he is cold stone sober. Also talk to him about his gifts to you and how they make you feel.


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## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

And you keep this guy around because why?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well, it is very important in a relationship to communicate.

I think you need to sit him down and tell him how you feel about what he said.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

If this instance is a one-time oversight on his part, then i would do best to try to let it go. However, there is nothing wrong with saying how his remark made you feel. Just say how you felt, don't pelt him with expectations what what he should have done (if you are apt to do such a thing).

Yet, if he routinely overlooks you or makes you feel taken for granted, then the anger and hurt you feel might be an aggregation of those disappointments...and may have a higher weight of validity to confront this seriously. Nothing worse than being overlooked for his mother, I'm sure!


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## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

Thank you all for your suggestion, I guess you are right, I need to sit him down and talk about it (and not give directions!).

As for his gifts for me, I already have a fairly good idea what he is giving me for Xmas. A cooking pot. I know because he was looking at them, and I told him not to get any because of the wedding. But the size of the bag that he came home with and the fact that he was in the kitchenware department tells me that's what he wound up getting. The cooking pot feels terrible because it just feels like being given a 'tool', and like it's a reminder of how I am currently unemployed and my main 'role' is to cook and look after him.

And he got me a bangle. The bangle, well, you'd think I'd be delighted, it's jewellery, right? Except that...he gave me a bangle last Xmas. And a bangle earlier in the year. Indeed the only gifts when he's given me one is a ...bangle. I don't wear bangles. I rarely, ever, wear jewellery, except ocassionally costumer jewellery. Nor has he expressed a desire that I wear bangles or more jewellery (and believe me , if he wanted that, he would tell me outright, not hint by buying them for me). 

He even apologised last Xmas for getting me another bangle, because I didn't rave about it (I was polite, but not grinning from ear to ear, I guess it was clear I was disappointed), so why has he done it again this Xmas?! The bangle was an impulse buy, I know this because he said that he saw "another present and I had to get it", and the only reason I know about it was because he handed me the plastic bag from the store where he bought a number of gifts and, well, the receipt was in the bottom and I saw it when I went to put the plastic bag away. At least I know what's coming so I can just say thanks and move on.


He asked me a few weeks ago for some Xmas hints, and I gave them to him, none of them difficult to get or expensive. I even volunteered to help choose my own gift (he would have none of that). So if he asks me for clues as to what I would like, why go and get exactly the same thing as the year before when he admitted the gift (the year before) lacked imagination and was disappointing - but this time did it on impulse (probably because he liked it, not thought whether I would) - and also get something that I specifically said not to get (cooking pot) because of the wedding registry, and which I don't want or have room for? It's not like he's run out of time and scrambling for the last of the retail offerings!

I spent some time reading a thread on another website about wives who get terrible gifts from their husbands and the conclusion, "some men are just terrible gift buyers". That helped me to just conclude that maybe he's in that category and to just not expect much. 

But it must be possible. Because on the flip side, there's my brother. I've recently taken up swimming. My brother gave me for Xmas a swimming bag. I was delighted. Even if I already had a swimming bag (I don't), I would still have been just as delighted, because the gift shows that he noticed my new interest, and gifted me according to it. I get it, people don't always choose appropriate or desirable gifts, I really do get that. I'm sure, positive, I've done it myself to someone, no matter how selective I thought I was being. 

My partner, I don't know why he is making the gift choices that he is - he's actually not a stupid or imperceptive man in most situations. 
Why ask me for suggestions and then buy a) something I specifically requested not to get and also b) the same gift as last year that he admitted was a repeat of a gift earlier in the year and lacked imagination/thought, but gone and done it again anyway?!


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## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

Further thoughts: I realise gifts are gifts and that one is supposed to be grateful, and I am, yet gifts also seem to make a measure of a relationship to some degree, but only when some odd behaviour is going on with it. The way I think about it, if I were to repeatedly buy someone the same gift year after year even when I knew it wasn't a great choice and they were disappointed, I would only do that because I couldn't be bothered, didn't have the energy, or thought that my choice was vastly superior to what they said they wanted and I chose to override it. Or I bought it because I liked it, and my taste and judgement were superior (in my eyes) therefore the recipient must, too. I think the last one I may have just answered my own question. But I'm open for other possible positions, and more to the point, how to deal with this? If he asks for suggestions and won't take them up,then surely equally a list of possible gifts is just as likely to be ignored?


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Sounds to me like your primary love langauage is gift giving and his is not. Have you taken the The 5 Love Languages test with each other?

Other than that, it also sounds like you are overpersonalizing it.


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## jp4000 (Dec 16, 2014)

Here's my two cents from someone who has been married for over 16 years and has been with the same woman for 25. Communication is key. It also can be extremely difficult. The struggle you are facing is trivial and minor. If you want to be happy and successful with your marriage, you need to tell him how you feel. He might not agree, and this is ok. You might also need to help him open up. No one wants to sit around at the end of the day and have deep difficult discussions.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

SamuraiJack said:


> Sounds to me like your primary love langauage is gift giving and his is not. Have you taken the The 5 Love Languages test with each other?
> 
> Other than that, it also sounds like you are overpersonalizing it.


I agree with this. 

Op Seems that gift giving isn't as important to him as it is to you. That doesn't make him wrong Just different and he shouldn't be punished for it

Handled through honest communication not passive aggressive behavior. Just tell him that you know he wants to make you happy and that gifts are your love language and you would appreciate him getting something of his choice off a list you provide. Maybe give that a try


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Always best to pick your battles. In this instance, it appears he was talking to you as if you are a friend and not the significant other? It was done unknowingly. This would be my guess.


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## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

Yes, that's exactly what I believe was happening.

Metta


Yeswecan said:


> Always best to pick your battles. In this instance, it appears he was talking to you as if you are a friend and not the significant other? It was done unknowingly. This would be my guess.


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## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

I have done it previously and also have the audio book. My primary love language is not gifts, it's physical affection. Fortunately, he is the same, so we are sweet and compatible on that one :smthumbup:
This is about him a) ignoring my request not to buy kitchenware because of the wedding and b) buying the same gift that he gave me twice before last year, even though he realised and admitted at the time giving me another bangle was not terribly imaginative, and that next year (this Xmas) would be different. Except it's not. He's impulse bought another bangle, because he liked it, is my guess. At this rate, after 10 years of marriage I will have 13 bangles! LOL
I have tried in the past to suggest giving him a list, but he won't have anything of it, he gets almost insulted that I suggest it; he wants to think of something himself, but what I see is he's _not _thinking, and certainly ignoring a request.

Frankly, I detest Xmas presents generally and would rather we didn't do gifts at all. Tried to implement this with family, but no go. And this is coming from someone who loves to give things to others.
Metta



SamuraiJ. ack said:


> Sounds to me like your primary love langauage is gift giving and his is not. Have you taken the The 5 Love Languages test with each other?
> 
> Other than that, it also sounds like you are overpersonalizing it.


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## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

That's a logical conundrum, loving to give gifts but declining the receipt of the same. I know there are plenty who like receiving versus giving, so you won't run out of opportunity. What about setting up a needs/wants list and then sharing it (think Google sheets) to let those you care about give you things from your list?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

ankh said:


> And you keep this guy around because why?


Really?


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## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

Neither. I'm a rat person. And I have two of them already.
I really don't know why you bothered to comment if you hadn't read the thread, your reply seems superfluous.
Metta



badsanta said:


> I have not read this thread in detail, but it seems to be one that is screaming for a kitten or a puppy. Just make sure you know if he is a dog person or a cat person.


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## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

I didn't find it helpful, either.
Metta



Cletus said:


> Really?


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Gift giving. Amazing how something that is completely unnecessary can cause so much trouble. 

Is say that if you feel appreciated during the 362 non-gift giving days of the year count yourself lucky. If you don't want certain things just communicate clearly. "I don't want jewelry or cooking utensils."

Is it possible that your hints were too subtle or indistinguishable from other things you say?

You say that you were disappointed by some of his gifts in the past so I'm sure that he noted that reaction and now feels pressure when he shops for you.


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