# Boss Lady the sequel



## coronado71 (Sep 12, 2011)

A few weeks ago I reached out to TAM for advice in dealing with my bossy executive wife. She's generally pretty demanding and not terribly understanding or reasonable once she's upset about something. I got lots of good advice here and I'm applying some of it. Thanks to all who responded. The latest in my marriage saga is my ongoing frustration with her aforementioned unreasonable responses and projecting her hurt/anger onto me. 

*Example*: I bought a used car last November-- cosmetically near-perfect, very low mileage and the dealer and state inspector raved about its excellent condition. Fast-forward, it's been making a funny noise so I took it into the shop. Needs a wheel bearing replacement. Not a major repair but still not cheap--about $600 all in including the diagnostic (which feels like a rip-off BTW). Her response, "We've had the car for less than a year and we have a $600 repair?!? Not ok." Which is Boss Lady speak for, "This is your fault and I'm angry about it." Similarly, she was angry with me several years ago when we couldn't reach my State Farm agent when buying a new car on a Saturday. Neither of these things were my fault, I hadn't made bad choices, or been reckless etc. Yet her anger was directed toward me as if I'd done something to create the problem. 

I've fruitlessly fought back about this for years. "That's ridiculous... you're being unreasonable... that's unfair..." This time I'm not going to argue. I'm confident that I did nothing wrong and car repairs are just expensive. However, I need advice on ways to respond that won't exacerbate the situation as I've always done.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Ignore her. 

Walk away.

Detach.

It might be better if you continued to post in your old thread so people see the background information.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Nothing has changed because you’re still letting her treat you this way.

Maybe she needs therapy at this point. Or maybe you need to simply tell her that enough’s enough.

Until you change how you deal with her, nothing will change. I’m not sure why you stay. Lifestyle? Kids? Amazing sex? There has to be a reason why you’re staying with someone who frequently talks to you like this.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Have you ever thought about telling your wife to go take a flying **** at the moon and to take her opinions with her?


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

You might think about finding your self-respect and stand up for yourself.


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

With this particular example I have to say if she also purchases used vehicles with no warranty then she doesn’t have any ground to stand on.

Kind of weird too, $600 emergency repair if you’re a big time executive is not worth getting bent out of shape over. A rear tire for my old car was $500 and it’s easy to run over construction crap and they can’t patch it.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

coronado71 said:


> Fast-forward, it's been making a funny noise so I took it into the shop. Needs a wheel bearing replacement. Not a major repair but still not cheap--about $600 all in including the diagnostic (which feels like a rip-off BTW).


I agree, she is condescending and out of line.
She sounds entitled, for sure.

...........................................................................

I hope the mechanic replaced_ both_ front wheel hub and bearings.
If one went bad, expect the other to follow.

It is an easy job.

Late model bearings for autos run about $150-220 each at Autozone (typical European car)
If you own a Mercedes or a BMW, expect the prices to be higher.


----------



## coronado71 (Sep 12, 2011)

ccpowerslave said:


> With this particular example I have to say if she also purchases used vehicles with no warranty then she doesn’t have any ground to stand on.
> 
> Kind of weird too, $600 emergency repair if you’re a big time executive is not worth getting bent out of shape over. A rear tire for my old car was $500 and it’s easy to run over construction crap and they can’t patch it.


Some clarification and further information.

 My car is still under warranty but this particular repair isn't covered. 
She lost the key fob for her car last year--inconvenienced the entire family (she took our son's car so I had to drive him to school and work) my daughter had to Uber everywhere) for a week and cost us all money in ride shares etc. and was not humble in the least. In fact when my son complained she pulled the 'too busy' card.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

For the life of me, I just can't find where or what the sequel is. I just see some more of the same.


----------



## coronado71 (Sep 12, 2011)

*Deidre* said:


> Nothing has changed because you’re still letting her treat you this way.
> 
> Maybe she needs therapy at this point. Or maybe you need to simply tell her that enough’s enough.
> 
> Until you change how you deal with her, nothing will change. I’m not sure why you stay. Lifestyle? Kids? Amazing sex? There has to be a reason why you’re staying with someone who frequently talks to you like this.


Yes, my relationship is irritating and my biggest stressor but, we all have our own thresholds for dealbreakers. I stay because I'm committed. Living with other people is difficult and I'm not quitting because of friction (even a lot of friction) with exhausting every recourse. That's why I'm here seeking guidance.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

coronado71 said:


> She lost the key fob for her car last year--inconvenienced the entire family (she took our son's car so I had to drive him to school and work) my daughter had to Uber everywhere) for a week and cost us all money in ride shares etc. and was not humble in the least. In fact when my son complained she pulled the 'too busy' card.


You can continue to cow tow to her or you can stand up to her. She doesn't respect you. Granted, she'll go nuclear in an attempt to keep the power dynamic in the marriage the same. So it's up to you to change the dynamic. Frankly, she sounds like a royal pain in the ass. I wouldn't stay in a relationship where I had to be treated this way.


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Since there was nothing you could have done or said to defuse her anger & you are at peace with your decision to live with this you need a thicker skin. When she says I'm angry shrug it off & go on about your life as though she had not spoken. In short ignore her.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

coronado71 said:


> *Example*: I bought a used car last November-- cosmetically near-perfect, very low mileage and the dealer and state inspector raved about its excellent condition. Fast-forward, it's been making a funny noise so I took it into the shop. Needs a wheel bearing replacement. Not a major repair but still not cheap--about $600 all in including the diagnostic (which feels like a rip-off BTW). Her response, _"We've had the car for less than a year and we have a $600 repair?!? Not ok." _ Which is Boss Lady speak for, "This is your fault and I'm angry about it." Similarly, she was angry with me several years ago when we couldn't reach my State Farm agent when buying a new car on a Saturday. Neither of these things were my fault, I hadn't made bad choices, or been reckless etc. Yet her anger was directed toward me as if I'd done something to create the problem.
> 
> I've fruitlessly fought back about this for years. "That's ridiculous... you're being unreasonable... that's unfair..." This time I'm not going to argue. I'm confident that I did nothing wrong and car repairs are just expensive. However, I need advice on ways to respond that won't exacerbate the situation as I've always done.


When you reply "That's ridiculous" or "You're being unreasonable" you are essentially saying that it's not YOUR fault and turning it around on HER. You're telling her that she is being ridiculous or she is being unreasonable. So yeah, that exacerbates the executive boss lady dragon, because what she hears is that she is at fault for the situation.

I'd recommend something like this:* "I'm sorry you feel that way. My opinion differs."* The end. See that doesn't say anything about her or how she's to blame, and it doesn't accept blame either. It just says *"I'm sorry that's how you see it, but I don't see it that way."* 

One thing I've discovered, though, is that many people just do not know how to disagree anymore. There's a mentality like "Either you agree with me or you are the enemy." That's just not true. You can absolutely not have the same opinion as someone and absolutely care for them. I'm not sure if your executive boss lady is one of those who view disagreement as enemy, but at least by saying "That's your opinion and mine is different" you aren't blaming each other or accepting unhealthy blame either.


----------



## coronado71 (Sep 12, 2011)

SunCMars said:


> I agree, she is condescending and out of line. She sounds entitled, for sure. ........................................................................... I hope the mechanic replaced_ both_ front wheel hub and bearings. If one went bad, expect the other to follow. It is an easy job. Late model bearings for autos run about $150-220 each at Autozone (typical European car) If you own a Mercedes or a BMW, expect the prices to be higher.


 I have an Infiniti so Japanese not European. The mechanic said the part is like $250


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

coronado71 said:


> Some clarification and further information.
> 
> My car is still under warranty but this particular repair isn't covered.
> She lost the key fob for her car last year--inconvenienced the entire family (she took our son's car so I had to drive him to school and work) my daughter had to Uber everywhere) for a week and cost us all money in ride shares etc. and was not humble in the least. In fact when my son complained she pulled the 'too busy' card.


So I’m not sure what advice you’re looking to get.

She’s acting poorly. You can tell her that’s not acceptable but she will probably just get angry if you try that.

Maybe an alternate approach is to ask her what the deal is with your marriage if she’s going to be angry and frustrated all the time. Not when she’s mad but during quiet time just ask her what the deal is with your relationship because she’s not acting appropriately towards you.


----------



## coronado71 (Sep 12, 2011)

Rob_1 said:


> For the life of me, I just can't find where or what the sequel is. I just see some more of the same.


This is a funny statement because a sequel is exactly that, more of the same (or at least more on the theme of an earlier story).


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

coronado71 said:


> Yes, my relationship is irritating and my biggest stressor but, we all have our own thresholds for dealbreakers. I stay because I'm committed. Living with other people is difficult and I'm not quitting because of friction (even a lot of friction) with exhausting every recourse. That's why I'm here seeking guidance.


Well, I appreciate your sincerity so thanks for your response. I’d say what you’re experiencing isn’t “friction,” it’s chronic disrespect on the part of your wife. You can stay committed and also improve your experience.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

coronado71 said:


> A few weeks ago I reached out to TAM for advice in dealing with my bossy executive wife. She's generally pretty demanding and not terribly understanding or reasonable once she's upset about something. I got lots of good advice here and I'm applying some of it. Thanks to all who responded. The latest in my marriage saga is my ongoing frustration with her aforementioned unreasonable responses and projecting her hurt/anger onto me.
> 
> *Example*: I bought a used car last November-- cosmetically near-perfect, very low mileage and the dealer and state inspector raved about its excellent condition. Fast-forward, it's been making a funny noise so I took it into the shop. Needs a wheel bearing replacement. Not a major repair but still not cheap--about $600 all in including the diagnostic (which feels like a rip-off BTW). Her response, "We've had the car for less than a year and we have a $600 repair?!? Not ok." Which is Boss Lady speak for, "This is your fault and I'm angry about it." Similarly, she was angry with me several years ago when we couldn't reach my State Farm agent when buying a new car on a Saturday. Neither of these things were my fault, I hadn't made bad choices, or been reckless etc. Yet her anger was directed toward me as if I'd done something to create the problem.
> 
> I've fruitlessly fought back about this for years. "That's ridiculous... you're being unreasonable... that's unfair..." This time I'm not going to argue. I'm confident that I did nothing wrong and car repairs are just expensive. However, I need advice on ways to respond that won't exacerbate the situation as I've always done.


Ok so I couldn’t slog to the end of everyone else’s posts. Sorry if this was answered before.

Are you sure that is boss lady for your fault? Or she upset that a new buy needs fixing?

I know my daughter takes everything as a criticism even when it’s just a conversation.

And the key fob thing is a mess to be sure but most the high earners who are make do expect the rest of the family to support that like for example changing up ride sharing.

I am glad to see you are working on your marriage and you asked how do you turn it around. How about simply replying, ( to the not ok). Yeah it sucks wish they had known it during the inspection.


----------



## coronado71 (Sep 12, 2011)

Affaircare said:


> When you reply "That's ridiculous" or "You're being unreasonable" you are essentially saying that it's not YOUR fault and turning it around on HER. You're telling her that she is being ridiculous or she is being unreasonable. So yeah, that exacerbates the executive boss lady dragon, because what she hears is that she is at fault for the situation.
> 
> I'd recommend something like this:* "I'm sorry you feel that way. My opinion differs."* The end. See that doesn't say anything about her or how she's to blame, and it doesn't accept blame either. It just says *"I'm sorry that's how you see it, but I don't see it that way."*
> 
> One thing I've discovered, though, is that many people just do not know how to disagree anymore. There's a mentality like "Either you agree with me or you are the enemy." That's just not true. You can absolutely not have the same opinion as someone and absolutely care for them. I'm not sure if your executive boss lady is one of those who view disagreement as enemy, but at least by saying "That's your opinion and mine is different" you aren't blaming each other or accepting unhealthy blame either.


Thanks for your thoughtful and productive response. "That's your opinion and mine's different." Feels non-confrontational. I certainly don't want to accept unhealthy blame and then harbor resentment as a result. I want to move on. 

I suspect she just doesn't know how do deal with her frustrations and tends to lash out and project. She's feeling, "Damn, $600 and we just got back from an expensive vacation!?" But instead of saying to herself, "Sometimes stuff happens and it costs $$$ to fix (like my $250 key fob replacement from last fall). C'est la vie." she's saying, "Somebody is to blame for this and they're going to feel my wrath!" She's looking for a scapegoat/someone to direct her feelings of frustration toward. Since she can't punish the car for making her feel this way she'll punish the car's owner.


----------



## coronado71 (Sep 12, 2011)

*Deidre* said:


> Well, I appreciate your sincerity so thanks for your response. I’d say what you’re experiencing isn’t “friction,” it’s chronic disrespect on the part of your wife. You can stay committed and also improve your experience.


I meant to say _without _exhausting every recourse. Again, I'm here and in therapy seeking ways to improve my experience.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

coronado71 said:


> A few weeks ago I reached out to TAM for advice in dealing with my bossy executive wife. She's generally pretty demanding and not terribly understanding or reasonable once she's upset about something. I got lots of good advice here and I'm applying some of it. Thanks to all who responded. The latest in my marriage saga is my ongoing frustration with her aforementioned unreasonable responses and projecting her hurt/anger onto me.
> 
> *Example*: I bought a used car last November-- cosmetically near-perfect, very low mileage and the dealer and state inspector raved about its excellent condition. Fast-forward, it's been making a funny noise so I took it into the shop. Needs a wheel bearing replacement. Not a major repair but still not cheap--about $600 all in including the diagnostic (which feels like a rip-off BTW). Her response, "We've had the car for less than a year and we have a $600 repair?!? Not ok." Which is Boss Lady speak for, "This is your fault and I'm angry about it." Similarly, she was angry with me several years ago when we couldn't reach my State Farm agent when buying a new car on a Saturday. Neither of these things were my fault, I hadn't made bad choices, or been reckless etc. Yet her anger was directed toward me as if I'd done something to create the problem.
> 
> I've fruitlessly fought back about this for years. "That's ridiculous... you're being unreasonable... that's unfair..." This time I'm not going to argue. I'm confident that I did nothing wrong and car repairs are just expensive. However, I need advice on ways to respond that won't exacerbate the situation as I've always done.


This is the third thread you’ve posted on this topic, and you’re still largely focused on more examples of why your wife is mean and unreasonable and why you are a sad little victim.

Stop being weak and passive. It’s unattractive and pathetic.

Did you actually onboard any of the guidance you’ve received in your last two threats? At all?

Have you done anything, have you taken any action to be a confident, self-respecting man who doesn’t tolerate disrespect or orders from his wife?

Your wife is not the primary problem here, YOU are. Stop complaining about your wife and fix yourself.

You are powerless and timid in your marriage and you are not leading your marriage at all, your wife is. 
And as a result, your wife does not respect you as a man or a husband.
That’s on you. And only you can change that. Stop focusing on your wife and fix yourself.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

coronado71 said:


> This is a funny statement because a sequel is exactly that, more of the same (or at least more on the theme of an earlier story).


Well, it can be taken that way, but reading "the" sequel in your post I figured you finally did something and ended the situation, which it turned up to be nothing but a rerun of the same.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

coronado71 said:


> Yes, my relationship is irritating and my biggest stressor but, we all have our own thresholds for dealbreakers. I stay because I'm committed. Living with other people is difficult and I'm not quitting because of friction (even a lot of friction) with exhausting every recourse. That's why I'm here seeking guidance.


Bovine excrement.

This post is nothing more than you rationalizing not standing up to your wife.

You created a false dichotomy (leave, or simply take it) when multiple posters have made suggestions somewhere between the two.

Your problem has everything to do with intestinal fortitude. 

Balls : Until you find yours, nothing will change.

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

coronado71 said:


> I've fruitlessly fought back about this for years. "*That's ridiculous... you're being unreasonable... that's unfair...*"


Yes. Those are _terrible_ answers. Terrible. Child-like. Try never to let the word "unfair" pass your lips. 


> "We've had the car for less than a year and we have a $600 repair?!?


So how about you say: "yes, it is really disappointing, isn't it?" or even "Yes, I'm pretty angry about it". 


> Which is Boss Lady speak for, "This is your fault and I'm angry about it."


Maybe. Until she _says_ those words, you can't respond to them.


----------



## coronado71 (Sep 12, 2011)

Anastasia6 said:


> Ok so I couldn’t slog to the end of everyone else’s posts. Sorry if this was answered before.
> 
> Are you sure that is boss lady for your fault? Or she upset that a new buy needs fixing?
> 
> ...


Yeah it sucks wish they had known it during the inspection.

That's almost e


DudeInProgress said:


> This is the third thread you’ve posted on this topic, and you’re still largely focused on more examples of why your wife is mean and unreasonable and why you are a sad little victim.
> 
> Stop being weak and passive. It’s unattractive and pathetic.
> 
> ...


Correction this is my second post. Also I accept that I’m responsible for exacerbating the situation. Again this is the reason I’m here, to get constructive advice on dealing with my situation.


----------



## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

coronado71 said:


> Living with other people is difficult


I don't find it difficult living with my husband and kids. 🤷🏻‍♀️


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

pastasauce79 said:


> I don't find it difficult living with my husband and kids. 🤷🏻‍♀️


Be careful or you'll be standing out in the crowd! 🤣


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I mean I don’t know how you suddenly manufacture respect.

You can decide to not tolerate behavior that you don’t like but then you need to be prepared to accept the possible consequences.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Marriage counseling to learn how to communicate better. You need a referee.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

coronado71 said:


> Yeah it sucks wish they had known it during the inspection.
> 
> That's almost e
> 
> Correction this is my second post. Also I accept that I’m responsible for exacerbating the situation. Again this is the reason I’m here, to get constructive advice on dealing with my situation.


What further advice are you hoping to receive that you didn’t get last time? 
Have you done anything with the advice you received on your last thread?


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Marriage counseling to learn how to communicate better. You need a referee.


No he doesn’t, he needs a backbone.

A marriage counselor might help with two generally respectful spouses who are talking past each other or fighting about schedules.

In this case, running to a referee would be even more weak and pathetic.


----------



## coronado71 (Sep 12, 2011)

Anastasia6 said:


> Ok so I couldn’t slog to the end of everyone else’s posts. Sorry if this was answered before.
> 
> Are you sure that is boss lady for your fault? Or she upset that a new buy needs fixing?
> 
> ...


Yeah it sucks wish they had known it during the inspection.

That's almost exactly what I texted adding, "the mechanic said otherwise the car is in pristine condition...shouldn't need any major service for maybe two years." She didn't respond.


----------



## coronado71 (Sep 12, 2011)

DudeInProgress said:


> What further advice are you hoping to receive that you didn’t get last time?
> Have you done anything with the advice you received on your last thread?


General advice like, "You are spineless, weak, and pathetic and thereby unattractive to women", "she doesn't respect you", "get some self-respect", and "you should leave her." aren't even really advice or exactly constructive and certainly aren't specific enough to put into practice. 

I'm fully aware that I've been too passive in the relationship and my wife tends to take advantage of that. I understand that she's frustrated carrying so much of the load of our family affairs which builds resentment and I need to pull more of my weight. I didn't come here to have the obvious spewed at me. I came here hoping to get strategies from experienced well-meaning folks that will help me begin to bring about change. 

For example, Affaircare suggested that I say, "That's your opinion; mine's different." That reads as assertive, but not confrontational which seems like a healthy direction.


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

She acts this way with you because you have allowed it. 

You should've stood up to her immediately and let her know you aren't one of her employees and that you don't work for her. That you're married and if she wants to remain married to you that her bull$h!t speaking to you this way ends now!!

Follow that up with if she wants to test you on this to go ahead but she'll be doing so not as your wife anymore and walk away.

Again you've allowed her to get away this. 

It ends when you say it STOPS and you don't negotiate with her. No more means NO MORE!!


----------



## coronado71 (Sep 12, 2011)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Marriage counseling to learn how to communicate better. You need a referee.


Agreed. You can't call your own balls and strikes while you're playing the game.


----------



## coronado71 (Sep 12, 2011)

pastasauce79 said:


> I don't find it difficult living with my husband and kids. 🤷🏻‍♀️


Sounds like you are the exception. Congratulations. Marriage counseling and forums like this one exist because thousands of people have difficulties dealing with their spouses. At a minimum nearly opposite gender-based/Mars and Venus perspectives create challenges. Then there are unmet expectations, disagreements about child-rearing and money etc. can make marriages hard work. As Satre said, "Hell is other people." If you and your husband have found symbiosis I'm happy for you. I'm trying to get where you are before there is no return for us.


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

coronado71 said:


> "That's your opinion; mine's different." That reads as assertive, but not confrontational which seems like a healthy direction.


If your wife is treating you like an underperforming employee then consider this…

If my underperforming employee said that exact quote my follow up would be, “…and?” Basically you don’t care about the opinions of an underperforming employee, they should be one step away from being fired.

So if you want to fix this you need to fix how she views you.

A poor performer who is assertive in their poor performance is getting canned.

My friend once had a guy fake a presentation, he stopped him and said, “Wait a second, I thought we agreed that…”. The fake person interrupts and says, “Now hold on, we didn’t agree to that, you agreed to that!” HA! Gotem’. You can’t get one past this guy. Actually not really he got canned shortly after.


----------



## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Be careful or you'll be standing out in the crowd! 🤣


Some situations are difficult. Some people are difficult. I think it's easier to deal with a difficult situation than deal with a difficult person, but it's faster to get rid of a difficult person than a difficult situation. 

I don't know? I guess I don't allow disrespect in my marriage.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

pastasauce79 said:


> Some situations are difficult. Some people are difficult. I think it's easier to deal with a difficult situation than deal with a difficult person, but it's faster to get rid of a difficult person than a difficult situation.
> 
> I don't know? I guess I don't allow disrespect in my marriage.


Smart!


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

coronado71 said:


> General advice like, "You are spineless, weak, and pathetic and thereby unattractive to women", "she doesn't respect you", "get some self-respect", and "you should leave her." aren't even really advice or exactly constructive and certainly aren't specific enough to put into practice.
> 
> I'm fully aware that I've been too passive in the relationship and my wife tends to take advantage of that. I understand that she's frustrated carrying so much of the load of our family affairs which builds resentment and I need to pull more of my weight. I didn't come here to have the obvious spewed at me. I came here hoping to get strategies from experienced well-meaning folks that will help me begin to bring about change.
> 
> For example, Affaircare suggested that I say, "That's your opinion; mine's different." That reads as assertive, but not confrontational which seems like a healthy direction.


I assure you, my intent is not to beat you up, but to spur you to action.

What you seem to be missing here is that it’s not about words, it’s about mindset.
You need to change your entire mindset and mode of operation before you will ever get any value out of finding more effective words and responses to your wife.

You need to recognize and understand that women respect confidence, strength, and leadership in men.
That includes men who disagree with them, hold them accountable to expectations and boundaries, don’t tolerate disrespect and bad behavior. that means men who lead the relationship. (Just to be clear, stepping up and leading does not mean be a better work-horse for her).

You need to decide what you want out of your marriage and life.
You need to decide and set expectations of what kind of behavior you expect and will/won’t tolerate from your wife.

You need to be willing to walk away from your marriage if you want to have any hope of improving it.

Practical strategies / actions:
Do not tolerate disrespectful, demeaning, condescending words or actions from her. Stop tolerating it now.
Stop trying to defend yourself, stop trying to convince her of your perspective, stop trying to get her to understand your feelings, just stop.

When she’s condescending or disrespectful, Just disengage.
Remove yourself and do something else - but do so actively, not passively.
Tell her that you will no longer tolerate her behavior/attitude and then disengage. Don’t try to explain to her why her words/actions are disrespectful or how it makes you feel. Just make it clear that you won’t tolerate it.

Leave and go do your own thing, take the kids out for ice cream and tell her she’s not invited until she changes her attitude, whatever you need to do. Just stop engaging with her in her frame/paradigm and operate in yours.

Also, don’t get angry / sad / defensive about it, be emotionally non-reactive and matter of fact about it.
When you can, (i.e. she’s being demanding or unreasonable but not disrespectful yet) do it with a smile and a kiss or a pat on the butt.

It’s about your mindset and confidence and operating in your own frame, not responding to hers. You have to develop that before any canned responses or communication techniques will make any difference.


----------



## coronado71 (Sep 12, 2011)

Thank you. I appreciate your candid and constructive response. This is specific advice I can implement immediately.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

coronado71 said:


> General advice like, "You are spineless, weak, and pathetic and thereby unattractive to women", "she doesn't respect you", "get some self-respect", and "you should leave her." aren't even really advice or exactly constructive and certainly aren't specific enough to put into practice.


I don't recall reading anyone calling you "pathetic" or "unattractive to women." However, as a woman, I can tell you that women respect assertive men who enforce boundaries. And telling you your wife doesn't respect you, while stating the obvious, is something you apparently need to hear. I don't think telling you that shows a lack of constructive input. But as we say in Al-Anon, "Take what you need and leave the rest."

Again, unless you gain the tools necessary to change the dynamic, she'll continue to be disrespectful to you. JMO


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Why don't you just roast her back for something she did?


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> Why don't you just roast her back for something she did?


Could use the old favorite, “I know you are but what am I?” That’s a real winner there.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ccpowerslave said:


> Could use the old favorite, “I know you are but what am I?” That’s a real winner there.


They really need to go to counseling and get some rules in place for how they both communicate. A couple of posters had a point there about that just validating her when appropriate (yes, it's too bad that happened) instead of balking at it might defuse an argument at least once in awhile. So I think they both need coaching to find a way to listen and talk to each other.


----------



## coronado71 (Sep 12, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Why don't you just roast her back for somethin she did?


Nah I’m not interested in starting a war or petty vengeance.


----------



## coronado71 (Sep 12, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> I don't recall reading anyone calling you "pathetic" or "unattractive to women." However, as a woman, I can tell you that women respect assertive men who enforce boundaries. And telling you your wife doesn't respect you, while stating the obvious, is something you apparently need to hear. I don't think telling you that shows a lack of constructive input. But as we say in Al-Anon, "Take what you need and leave the rest."
> 
> Again, unless you gain the tools necessary to change the dynamic, she'll continue to be disrespectful to you. JMO


I really appreciate Al-Anon’s adage. Thanks for sharing it.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

coronado71 said:


> Nah I’m not interested in starting a war or petty vengeance.


It's not supposed to be a war, just a good roast.

Start with something light-hearted that she has done stupid, change the vibe of your interaction with her.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

coronado71 said:


> Yes, my relationship is irritating and my biggest stressor but, we all have our own thresholds for dealbreakers. I stay because I'm committed. Living with other people is difficult and I'm not quitting because of friction (even a lot of friction) with exhausting every recourse. That's why I'm here seeking guidance.


Why in the hell do you stay with this tyrant?


----------



## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

coronado71 said:


> Yeah it sucks wish they had known it during the inspection.
> 
> That's almost e
> 
> Correction this is my second post. Also I accept that I’m responsible for exacerbating the situation. Again this is the reason I’m here, to get constructive advice on dealing with my situation.


But your original post here in 2013 was about the same subject, being bullied by your wife, so that is three. You ruined your family financially by being fired for cause. What was the cause? No wonder your wife is worried about you being all wishy washy about having a plan for work during the summer and angry and assuming your choices were the cause of things going wrong with the car - you had a history of f’ing up and adding to her burden.

I always found it sexist when people post that women want a leader, blah blah blah, but it is true in a sense. I am the breadwinner in my family and in my first marriage that was a HUGE problem. All the burden of adulting was on me. All decisions were on me. We thrived or survived by what I did. It wasn’t about money. There was no partnership, just a parent-child relationship that sucked the soul out me. I couldn’t even share anything that was troubling me without him pouting and feeling I was blaming him for it. Damn right I was resentful and mean. I am getting angry thinking about it. I am still the breadwinner with my second husband. He is a very flawed man, but a decisive man. I am no longer the end-all-be-all of decisions that impact our family. I still provide the majority of funds but now I have a partner that helps carry the burden. Sometimes he is wrong and it doesn’t go well. I may be disappointed, but I am not angry and resentful, and I certainly don’t tantrum, he wouldn’t allow it.

i know you are looking for practical, helpful advice to move forward but I truly believe that once a parent-child relationship is formed to that degree there is no coming back from that. All the posts about her not respecting you are true. She doesn’t respect you and has had good reason not to. Her behavior is also way out of line, don’t get me wrong. That is why you don’t respect her and act like a child. Phrases like “I have a different opinion” and “I’m sorry you feel that way” from a spouse that has acted like you have is gasoline on a fire.

I would bet your wife is also holding out until all avenues are exhausted. I just don’t think that is possible to do with each other. Couples can forgive each other for a lot, believe me, but I don’t think this can change with the two of you together. My XH is also remarried and they seem to have a great relationship. My XH and I get along really well now honestly (apart 12 years) but that parent-child dynamic is still in play. I don’t trust him to handle anything and he lies about the littlest thing to avoid making me mad. Thankfully we found others to marry that balance us better, so our kids see we are not horrible people, just horrible together.

If you did not address her affair in a meaningful way, then that is where I would start. Depending on why you were fired with cause, (you are a teacher so that raises red flags to me) I would address in IC why you felt your “crime” was worse than her cheating and why you let her treat you like that. Marriage counseling is crap without having done IC first


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

coronado71 said:


> Somebody is to blame for this and they're going to feel my wrath!" She's looking for a scapegoat/someone to direct her feelings of frustration toward. Since she can't punish the car for making her feel this way she'll punish the car's owner.





coronado71 said:


> I'm fully aware that I've been too passive in the relationship and my wife tends to take advantage of that. I understand that she's frustrated carrying so much of the load of our family affairs which builds resentment and I need to pull more of my weight. I didn't come here to have the obvious spewed at me. I came here hoping to get strategies from experienced well-meaning folks that will help me begin to bring about change.


Dawg, it sounds like you believe your self worth is a product of her opinion.


----------



## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Your relationship sounds like what my FIL must live through. My MIL metaphorically beats the piss out of him every day. It's so bad that when my kids were born 9 years ago, I told my wife that whatever they do in their house is their business - but MIL will no longer treat FIL like garbage in my house. You can tell them or I can. 

She told them. I was hoping she was gonna let me talk to MIL. That would have been fun. 

Anywho, MIL keeps her mouth shut in my house because she knows it's against the rules to degrade her husband in my house. Because of this, she doesn't talk much when over here. Kinda sad. She had to stop speaking most words because most of what she says is degrading to her husband. They don't stop by much any more. In fact, I haven't seen them in my house now for 3 years. 

I couldn't have that kind of toxicity around my kids. I didn't want them to see that relationship as something good or normal. Men and women are supposed to treat each other with respect. They should treat each other as equals and as team members (especially in a marriage).

I bring this up because I'm curious if you've thought about what your kids are seeing with the way your wife treats you. If you can't stand up for yourself, you need to stand up for your kids. Let them see that men and women should treat each other with respect and let them know you won't be taking your wife's poor treatment any more.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

coronado71 said:


> General advice like, "You are spineless, weak, and pathetic and thereby unattractive to women", "she doesn't respect you", "get some self-respect", and "you should leave her." aren't even really advice or exactly constructive and certainly aren't specific enough to put into practice.


Fair enough. You've also had a few good actionable suggested ways of replying along the way. 

But what the "_get some self respect_" people are (rightly) pointing to is that the actionable replies need to be grounded in a healthy attitude towards the relationship. I've suggested some assertive wording. But you won't be able to deliver the suggested words if you feel afraid.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> Why don't you just roast her back for something she did?


Are you trying to drum up business for me?


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

LATERILUS79 said:


> . Let them see that men and women should treat each other with respect and let them know you won't be taking your wife's poor treatment any more.


I doubt very much that he can do that. After at least 19 years of marriage, OP has only shown to his kids (if any) the role of a male that has not self respect, can't stand for himself, won't do a thing other than talk. His first post is from 2013 exposing the same problem he is exposing now, that's almost 10 years of the same, not counting that when he made his first post he has been married for ten years. 

So, at this juncture is probably too late, the dynamics won't change, his kids are older now, and only know how to get chewed up. They didn't learn to have self respect and how to stand up for themselves if we're going to take OP as an example. Probably through their mother they might learned to be dominant, but not through OP. His kids might not say anything, but most certainly, they have been watching their parents dynamics and learning wrongly from it.


----------



## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

How about trying something a little different. The next time she starts in on you, give her a big smile, walk up to her and give her a big hug and kiss her on the cheek. Do that every time and see what happens. It's hard to stay angry with someone who is loving on you.


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Diceplayer said:


> How about trying something a little different. The next time she starts in on you, give her a big smile, walk up to her and give her a big hug and kiss her on the cheek. Do that every time and see what happens. It's hard to stay angry with someone who is loving on you.


That’s what the check hook is for. Opponent advances towards you and blam! Then you regain your distance almost immediately.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Diceplayer said:


> How about trying something a little different. The next time she starts in on you, give her a big smile, walk up to her and give her a big hug and kiss her on the cheek. Do that every time and see what happens. It's hard to stay angry with someone who is loving on you.


Or even better:

"You are cute when you are bossy."

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


----------



## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

coronado71 said:


> At a minimum nearly opposite gender-based/Mars and Venus perspectives create challenges. Then there are unmet expectations, disagreements about child-rearing and money etc. can make marriages hard work. As Satre said, "Hell is other people."


Yes. My husband and I are very different, but we have put our differences aside and work as a team. Even when we disagree, we still treat each other with respect. I respect his own personal decisions because he's a individual with his own thoughts and likes. He can buy or do whatever he thinks is good and appropriate for himself and our family. I trust him. And if he makes a mistake, I don't put him down, he's human and every human makes mistakes. 

It's great you want to fix your marriage, but you have to realize, it takes two to have a successful marriage. What is your wife doing to fix the dynamics in your marriage? Does she want to have a better marriage? Does she want to be married to you?


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> It's not supposed to be a war, just a good roast.
> 
> Start with something light-hearted that she has done stupid, change the vibe of your interaction with her.


You mean gaslighting? And "only joking"?
Women love that. Not.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If nothing else marriage counseling could clear the air if you both let it all out there under controlled circumstances. If one spouse doesn't want to do marriage counseling, that's tantamount the saying they don't want to have to put in any effort on their marriage, so not acceptable.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You mean gaslighting? And "only joking"?
> Women love that. Not.


_Gaslight

Noun

"Psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one's emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator."_

If anyone is being gaslighted in this relationship, it isn't her.









Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

File for divorce and go for full custody of the kids if she is too busy.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

coronado71 said:


> I have an Infiniti so Japanese not European. The mechanic said the part is like $250


You can actually get them for around $100.00, Moog parts

Labor should have been 2 hrs plus diag.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

What is you wife having to do at home that you need to step up to help more? Is she having to do everything at home?


----------



## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

My Ex-wife can be this way. When I was married to her, it was usually her way or the highway. Of course being the spineless twit I was, with no "executive" attached to my name, I always relented.

The "boss" wife extends that part of her life into her personal life. She controls everything at work, why would it be any different at home?

As I revisit all of the pro's and con's of my former marriage, as it is still a fairly fresh divorce, this was definitely a con. There is no way to rebuild yourself if you are constantly living under the rule of a wife who wants so much control. You can't be yourself... which by nature is flawed, and living with someone whose expectation is to have a husband who is flawless, well... that won't work.


----------

