# Husband just found out may have a 16 year old daughter



## Trouble88

My husband and I have been married for 10 years. When we got together he told me (and many times since we have been together) that he had not been sexually involved with anyone since his high school girlfriend at age 17. We were 28 when we got together, so that would have been about 12 years of celibacy. He said it was by choice. Anyway, he knows that I had been with several men. I have been thinking all this time that we were open and honest about things like that. So today I come home from work and errands and he says he got a call from his dad to call child services. They say that he has a 16 year old daughter who is now in foster care. We are waiting to do the DNA test, but if it turns out he does have a 16 year old daughter this means he has been lying to me the whole time. He says he does not even remember meeting the mom or know anyone with the name Kelly, let alone sleep with this woman. Our marriage already has issues as he is military and was gone for long spans of time on deployment. Also I know he has lied to me about other things. I chose to let them slide, but this to me is a big deal. My first husband who I had been with for 8 years cheated on me with my best friend and got her pregnant, now this. I had a hysterectomy a few years ago due to some female issues, but never got pregnant by either man. So now I am 38, my 2nd marriage is already rocky and I have no interest in taking care of some teenager we did not even have a clue about. If I had wanted kids at some point I would have tried adoption or something. I am afraid to talk to him much about things as it is and I know this is really stressing him out. I am trying to be supportive, but quite frankly I am the one who had been keeping this relationship going for so long I have just become very standoffish and this new situation is certainly not going to make it better. I am going to start going to a therapist ASAP. Just found out today about the kid. Just could use some advice.


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## EleGirl

How old is your husband now? Just trying to figure out the timeline.

At this point you don't know if this is his daughter or not. The mother might have given a list of names. Wait until you find out before freaking out about the paternity issue.

Is he still sticky to his years of celibacy story? Will be interesting to find out the truth.

A marriage in which there is sex 10 times or less a year is considered a sexless marriage. So maybe that's how he measured his sexless life? :scratchhead:

From what you wrote, it sounds like you are profoundly unhappy in your marriage even before this gem of new came along. I think that counseling is a good start. 

What do you need from him in order to fix your marriage?


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## Trouble88

My husband is now 38. I realize that this happened before we were even together. the part I am having a real hard time with is that he has told me over and over again that he had only been with one other person before me and that was the girl he was with in high school. He has revised stories about her as well. Once he said they never had sex, then he said that they had, then he says he is not sure. That is not the only stories he has done that with either. there is a pic of a girl that was taken when he was on deployment our first year married. I asked who she was. At first he said she was a tour guide when they were in Australia. Then he said she was the girlfriend of one of the other sailors. Then he said she was just a friend. he lied about going to a strip club while in the Philippines as well. Actually I would not have had a problem with that one had he been straight with me from the start. He has been on deployments off and on so much during our marriage that we have certainly drifted pretty far apart. I used to be Navy as well and quite frankly know what goes on. I thought it was very unbelievable that he had gone 12 years without sex, but he is a major introvert. Especially considering my past. But he has lied about so many things, big and small I just cannot seem to trust him anymore. He told me that child services down right said he was the father. Like I said he does not even remember this person (the mother). I did tell him he needs to have a paternity test done for sure. If he does not even remember meeting this person maybe she drugged him and raped him for all I friggin know.I am also concerned about him having to pay 16 years of back child support because this dumb woman kept it all a secret. Still do not even know why the kid is in foster care and why they decided to track him down after all this time. I feel that if it turns out he is the father I would not want to keep him from her, but for me that would be my last straw for the marriage. I have been to counseling over the years, but he refuses to go. I keep thinking that if I could just hold out until he retires things will get better and we can get away from WA and go back to where I have family and friends. I have also been alone up here pretty much the entire time I have been up here in WA. Hard to make friends here and no family here. I have worked hard to concentrate on school and then my small business. Anyway, I think that covers a lot of the relationship in a nut shell.


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## that_girl

There's a good chance he knew about her the 5 years before you were married.

It's a rare thing for child services to come after a man who never knew he was a father. Honestly. The mother wouldn't know where he was and they don't do investigations like that. I teach in an area with many foster kids. Not once have I heard of them searching for an estranged father who didn't even know he was a father. They can't come after him and make him take a child he doesn't know is for sure his. Unless his name is on that birth certificate...which means he knew about this child.

And I feel...since he lies and changes stories (liars do this because they don't remember whom they told what) that he probably lied about not having sex for 12 years (really?! c'mon) and not knowing about this child.

I would bet money on the fact that he knew this woman. Knew she was pregnant. Maybe even participated in the child's life for a while. He and mom had a fight, she moved away, he let it go and didn't take care of his child.

Or maybe he has taken care of this child. Ever look into the finances? Checks being sent off to someone?

I mean, look, my dad was a deadbeat for many years. 18 to be exact. My mom and he were married before i was born and divorced when I was 2. He left. Gone. No support. The DA couldn't find his arse and he was my father and everyone knew it.


My dad also had TWO CHILDREN before he married my mother and didn't even tell my mom!! I found out in a drunken night and my dad talked too much. Omg. I was 21 an just  Wow. I didn't tell my mom, it would have destroyed her. He took care of those people on the sly...the children were adopted by their stepdad though.
So....I'd be way more suspicious of your man.


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## Trouble88

We have not talked much about it since he found out Friday. If he did know about the child and he is on the birth certificate it would be in his Military service record that he has a dependent. Also I do not think he would keep this from his family, especially his parents. I am very close with his dad and he would have said something if he had known. The way my H told me was that Child Services tracked him down through his aunt on FB and then she called his dad. He did honestly seem shocked. I did ask him how this was possible since he had supposedly been celibate for 12 years. I always thought that was a bunch of BS. We are waiting for some information to be sent to us. I told him I need to see and be a part of all of this. I have been trying for now to keep everything calm and under control until I find out what is really going on here. If he is indeed the father I will most likely feel pretty betrayed and feel like he has been making a fool out of me. My first husband had been having an affair with my best friend for over a year before he got her pregnant, but at the time she was trying to say it was her husbands baby. When she had the baby everyone but me kind of knew what was going on. The baby looks just like my ex. I had become very against marriage after all that happened and to be honest may not have married my current H if we would not had been separated by the military. We spent our first year married in different states. My gut was always telling me that there was something he was not telling me or not being truthful about, but I thought maybe I was just being paranoid because of all the other things i had been through. Now I am thinking I should have listened to my gut. it has never lied to me before. He knows what my ex put me through and how I feel about secrets in a marriage. Maybe somewhere along the way he just decided none of that matters. I have access to all of the accounts and there are not really any weird monies missing. I also have access to his DFAS info (how he gets paid through the military). I have not seen anything I would find too odd. No big sums of money or anything like that. If the teenager was put in foster care because of her mom passing away and had no other kin would they try to track down who the father may be?


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## EleGirl

He needs to insist on a DNA test. Just because they say he's the father does not mean that he is.

It is possible that he does not know that he had a child. There are women who never tell the father when he's out of the picture because they don't want him around. Maybe he did a lot of lying to her as well and she thought it best that the daughter not be around that. The possibilities are endless.

It's highly unlikely that even if he is found to be the bio father of this girl that he will have to pay child support in arrears. If there was no court order in the past for child support then he had no past obligation. 

He needs to see an attorney to handle this.


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## MattMatt

Keep calm for the moment.

"Wow! What a fantastic time we just had! Say! What's your name?"

"Oh! It's ummm Mr Trouble88!"

"Gee what a nice name!"

So your husband might not be the father, but he might know a man who is.


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## Trouble88

I am feeling very anxious and angry and just so many other feelings. I cannot seem to help but feel the way I did when I found out about my first husband doing all the things he did to me. I have an appointment with a marriage counselor on Wednesday. I hope it helps and hoping she can give me some advice. I am keeping an eye the the mail so he will not be able to hide anything from me when he gets whatever it is they are sending from DHS. Thanks for listening. Will keep you all posted.


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## clipclop2

When you are with a guy who lies a lot you can't very well be shocked.

Why have you chosen to stay with him even before this?


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## Trouble88

Well, for the most part they were BS lies. Like yeah sure I vacuumed the house or little things like that. I cannot prove that some of the other stories that he has told me that I previously mentioned are lies or not. I guess part of the reason I have stayed is because I thought maybe we can work it out somehow. All that we have been through together. And to be honest financially right now I cannot afford to get divorced. I thought I would give it until he retired and see if his attitude in general would get better and that he would be less negative and unhappy. He is not happy about still being in the Navy and he just wants out. I keep telling him that after all he has gone through it would be such a shame to lose his retirement. It is not like he beats me or anything like that. He actually does a lot for me and has supported me both financially and emotionally when I decided to start my pet sitting business and pretty much any ideas I have had. We are very different people. he is an introvert and rarely leaves the house except for work and I am a social butterfly who likes to go do things (which is hard to do when you do not really have any close friends or family where we live). I am also very blunt, open and typically do not put up with any BS. But as I said before I also have some major emotional baggage which he knew about before we got serious and got married. I guess I am having such a hard time even believing that any of this is true because he has always been a major introvert and a homebody. His parents were so shocked that he had a girlfriend and were very shocked when we were getting married. From what I have been hearing from some other forums is that he may have been contacted because he happened to be on a list of guys with the same name as him which is why they are requesting a DNA test. I guess all I can do really is wait and find out when we get the info in the mail that DHS is sending us.


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## Trouble88

Well, I started going to a marriage counselor. It would be more beneficial if I could get my H to go. He does not believe in therapy. We got the paper work from MI DHS, but they did not send us info on doing a paternity test. Instead they sent us paper work asking if we want the girl to be a part of our lives, etc... I called them up and asked why they have not set up a paternity test yet. They seemed pretty confused and said they will need to find a way to do it since they are in different states. How annoying. After all that tracking him down and assuming he is father. That is such BS. Anyway, I am still trying to hold it together, but I just want to get away from here. Unfortunately I already have obligations to my clients over the next few months so would not be able to leave even if I really wanted to. At least I will get the chance to get some things paid off in case I do decide to leave. So that is what has been going on.


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## that_girl

Seems there's more to it than all of this.

They just want to pin this girl on him as his daughter without proof? That almost seems illegal. If that was the case, courts would be getting random men and pinning children on them.

Something else is going on. Your husband knew about her....there has to be SOMETHING.


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## EleGirl

that_girl said:


> Seems there's more to it than all of this.
> 
> They just want to pin this girl on him as his daughter without proof? That almost seems illegal. If that was the case, courts would be getting random men and pinning children on them.
> 
> Something else is going on. Your husband knew about her....there has to be SOMETHING.


Maybe he signed the birth certificate. Who knows.


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## EleGirl

Trouble88 said:


> Well, I started going to a marriage counselor. It would be more beneficial if I could get my H to go. He does not believe in therapy. We got the paper work from MI DHS, but they did not send us info on doing a paternity test. Instead they sent us paper work asking if we want the girl to be a part of our lives, etc... I called them up and asked why they have not set up a paternity test yet. They seemed pretty confused and said they will need to find a way to do it since they are in different states. How annoying. After all that tracking him down and assuming he is father. That is such BS. Anyway, I am still trying to hold it together, but I just want to get away from here. Unfortunately I already have obligations to my clients over the next few months so would not be able to leave even if I really wanted to. At least I will get the chance to get some things paid off in case I do decide to leave. So that is what has been going on.


He might need to get an attorney to address this and force a paternity test.


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## CluelessWif

I will tell you how we are handling it.

About two weeks ago a nineteen year old woman contacted my husband to tell him she might be his daughter. The resemblance is striking. He was fourteen when she was conceived (with a twenty-five year old married woman) and when the child was taken by family services at five years old the mother didn't want to go to prison for rape. So she let the child grow up in thirty one different foster homes.

I am supporting him, but we also have a very strong marriage in a number of other ways. I will tell you that instantly gaining a sixteen year old step-daughter will make you more of a warden than a mom, and she will probably resent that. But this could offer you an opportunity.

Here is what I would do, take it or leave it.

1. Be very honest with your husband. In a calm and rational fashion explain your legitimate feelings.

2. Stop, watch, listen, and understand how he feels. He just found out that his baby, who he never knew existed, is in such a bad home situation that the state has taken her. That is a devastating feeling of failure. I am carrying a lot of that guilt, and I am only the alleged step-mother.

3. Going back to the honesty; tell him that you feel like your marriage was already rocky, and the addition of this child will cause a multitude of problems. Since he is active duty you are going to have the responsibility of raising her. You can' that've her running off on FaceTime and causing arguments. Therefore, you need both IC and MC. Tell him that you are willing to support him with his needs if he is willing to support your needs. Period, no exceptions.

The good news? She should be moving out in a couple years.


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## EleGirl

CluelessWif said:


> I
> 
> 3. Going back to the honesty; tell him that you feel like your marriage was already rocky, and the addition of this child will cause a multitude of problems. *Since he is active duty you are going to have the responsibility of raising her. *You can' that've her running off on FaceTime and causing arguments. Therefore, you need both IC and MC. Tell him that you are willing to support him with his needs if he is willing to support your needs. Period, no exceptions.
> 
> The good news? She should be moving out in a couple years.


If the money is there, sending her off to an amazing boarding school might work. A huge dose of independence but still knowing that she has adults looking out for her would be a good solution. It's not like she is emotionally tied to any parent right now.


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## CluelessWif

EleGirl said:


> If you the money is there, sending her off to an amazing boarding school might work. A huge dose of independence but still knowing that she has adults looking out for her would be a good solution. It's not like she is emotionally tied to any parent right now.


I get that and agree that should be an option, but I guess it depends on the kid. If she is lost and looking for a family it might be worth the two years. You and your hubby could find a common ground through MC and you get some one to take care of you in your old age without ever having to change her diaper.


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## Trouble88

I will certainly wait to hear back about the paternity test or keep in close contact with DHS. This girl is actually almost 17 and graduating high school a year early. So I do not think we would be actually taking her on as a child. I have no children and have no interest in taking care of any child. I have my business to run and I put A LOT of work into getting my business going. My hours can be kind of crazy at times and so can my husbands of course. Heck there are times my pets do not get all the attention they need. If she were a young child I might consider it especially if my H was willing to help out. That man cannot even take a flippin shower and brush his teeth without being told to do so let alone take on a child. He does not even remember to feed the pets if I am gone. He is very much like a man child himself. I have been doing some digging and have found at least 3 other people by his name in San Diego, so there still is a 50/50 chance the girl is not his. I just think for every ones sake it would be best to find out the truth before moving forward. DHS is not asking for child support either, just if we want a relationship with her. I will keep everyone posted.


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## that_girl

EleGirl said:


> Maybe he signed the birth certificate. Who knows.


That's what I mentioned earlier, she said no. I don't believe that.


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## staarz21

I hope it works out. It just seems to fishy that they would just assume she is the daughter. I am sure there are procedures for this and they can't just pin kids on people without proof of them being the parent.


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## Unique Username

For what it's worth

When the Fed (or State) is paying TANF and Medicaid and even moreso when a kid is in a Foster Home

they do whatever they can to find another parent to repay any or all of the back TANF/MEDICAID etc.

IF he didn't know about the child, with a good attorney, he can simply make an argument that HE lost out on the child's upbringing etc etc and since he didn't know should NOT be held financially accountable for past support/tanf/Medicaid.
sometimes it works

BUT - sounds to me like you are looking for a way out of the marriage anyway - so here's your chance.
And then you can put all your efforts in to your business.


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