# the ring is off - what's it mean?



## yesterday (Feb 6, 2009)

Hi All-

This is a great board. Glad I found you guys this week. You have been very helpful getting me through a rough time. Thought would ask a specific question about me...

I have been married for 15 years and have 2 kids. We are very compatible in most areas - child rearing, finances, values, etc. We are very comfortable in our relationship and usually quite happy. We had a big fight 2 weeks ago because I told her my need for intimacy was not being met. I had brought this up several times over the past 6 months and she still wasn't putting in the effort. Specifically, I want to feel more connected to her and wanted by her because I am deeply in love and would like to do things like snuggle on the couch while watching TV at least 1 time per week, have her reciprocate my touching on dates and build back passion, fun and adventure in the bedroom. So we had it out over this. She asked me to meet her needs i.e. that she not change at all and I learn to be happy with that (clever, huh?). I told her I could not meet her needs it if meant maintaining the status quo. After arguing this point back and forth for a long while (we got mean toward eachother), I tried to soften the conversation, and said "Honey...". She abruptly ended the argument by telling me I was being incredibly selfish, she hated me and hated me for what I was doing to her, ripped off her wedding ring (but left the motherhood ring on) walked away...

That was 2 weeks ago and she still is not wearing her ring. This is killing me b/c of what that symbolizes to me. I have chosen to keep mine on. In addition, she has physically (won't be naked in front of me, once kids go to bed she goes somewhere else in the house) and emotionally (no interest in me, won't initiate conversation, etc.) distanced herself from me.

This event has inspired me to look for help and work on my issues. Its early days yes, but I feel real good about what I am working on and doing differently. I try to talk to her about this at least every other day and make some progress identifying what lay at the core of this issue for us, but she's not ready and I am respecting her request to not be pressured.

What's going on here? Should I push the wedding ring issue?


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

how long has this behavior been going on? and have you noticed anything strange about her prior to the incident with the ring?


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

you could simply tell her how much it hurts you to see shes not wearing her wedding ring.
could you talk to her and move at her pace, you need to tell her how much you love her and want more imtimcy because you want to feel close to her.


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## java (Jan 15, 2009)

Don't push the issue with the ring. I have been in a relationship where the man was mainly interested in sex. He couldn't get enough and it forced me away because I felt like a blow up doll instead of someone he cared about. Did you convey the message that you weren't getting enough sex? If not, maybe that is what she heard in the message. Leave sex out of the conversation and try to tell her how in love you are with her and that you want to be close...tell her it isn't sex and maybe she will warm up to you and then you can go from there. She has to stop being mad at you first. Then you might reach her. She is hurt now and that is probably why she took her ring off. She did it in a moment of anger and hurt. She may not mean it...especially if she is still there. 

Ignore the ring for now and try to reach her to explain what you really meant...leaving sex out of it. Sex is the icing on the cake...fix what's wrong first...then that hopefully will come later. 

Start with trying to court her again....leave her notes....set a date for you guys to talk...make it romantic and all about love....not sex.


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## al_in_al (Feb 4, 2009)

Since you know she took it off in anger (and to make a point), I wouldn't push the issue.

My husband took off his ring about two years ago, and never put it back on. I'm not exactly sure when it happened, because I didn't notice right away, and he never pointed it out to me. I convinced myself he just didn't feel like wearing it (uncomfortable, not good for sports, etc.), or he would have told me there was a problem. In reality, I was scared of finding out the truth if I asked him. He moved out this week. I wish I had questioned the ring 2 years ago.


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## yesterday (Feb 6, 2009)

In general, the intimacy crash happened peri-marriage. We've worked on and off to try some things to find the passion. She puts her all into raising the kids and running the house. She is tired at the end of the day and was "touched out" by 2 young kids. I got it and did not puch sex or intimacy. But my kids are now both older than 10 and both are not hanging on her all the time.

We recently moved which was a painful event for the family. Some months after the move, she admitted to being in a funk - wondering if she was "just going to make lunches for the kids for the rest of her life." She had been a stay-at-home mom until this time for 12 years and a great one by the way. She decided to find a part-time job and get her teacher's certfication renewed. I supported her through this and will continue to.

There have been 2 memorable out-of-character moments in the past 3 months. I'll say up front that I do not think my wife is having an affair, at least physically. Through a series of random events, she located her X true love. They connected on the phone and caught up. She told me all about this and I was OK with it. Months later, she let it slip that she had actually been talking to him monthly for the past 5 months and did not tell me b/c she did not think I could handle it. She apologized. I let it go. On a follow-up conversation she mentioned that she asked the X if he had remained faithful to my wife when they were an item 20 years ago or if he had cheated on her with his current wife. I am thinking why are these *intimate* details of her past relationship with this guy important to her now? And I realize that what really hurts is that I feel she doesn't care about the intimate details of her life with me today! The second incident happened around the same time, I think by coincidence. I walked in on my wife wearing an unfamliar piece of clothing under her robe. I only caught a glance and it looked like a dress to me. She quickly covered up and seemed really embarassed. I did not mention anything because I thought it might be a new dress she was going to wear to an upcoming wedding. I'll just wait it out. Wedding comes and goes and I don't see her wearing anything like that, so I ask about it. At first she was a bit evasive, but then owned up that it was lingerie that she bought and was trying on. Great I said. I've not seen it since.


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## yesterday (Feb 6, 2009)

You advice. I have been very careful to emphasize the intimacy and not just the sex. Cuz really that is what it is about for me.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

yesterday said:


> Months later, she let it slip that she had actually been talking to him monthly for the past 5 months and did not tell me b/c she did not think I could handle it. She apologized. I let it go. On a follow-up conversation she mentioned that she asked the X if he had remained faithful to my wife when they were an item 20 years ago or if he had cheated on her with his current wife.



:scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:
Am I reading this correctly? She wants to know if this guy is cheating on her with his current wife? WTH!!!


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## yesterday (Feb 6, 2009)

Amplexor said:


> :scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:
> Am I reading this correctly? She wants to know if this guy is cheating on her with his current wife? WTH!!!


I knew that sentence was awkward. My wife asked her X high school / college boyfriend, now married, if he remained faithful to her (my wife) 15+ years ago or did he cheat with his current wife. We all grew up together btw.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Is the X local or far away? Has there been any physical contact? It looks to be an emotional affair and could badly further damage your marriage. You have stated she is not meeting your needs for intimacy. Since she has withdrawn from you what needs do you feel she is missing from you?


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## yesterday (Feb 6, 2009)

Amplexor said:


> Is the X local or far away? Has there been any physical contact? It looks to be an emotional affair and could badly further damage your marriage. You have stated she is not meeting your needs for intimacy. Since she has withdrawn from you what needs do you feel she is missing from you?


He's hours away. No physical contact that I am aware of. I have not done the cellphone call / text record check to verify the communication frequency. I feel it best at this stage to trust her on this one.

What is she missing from me? I do a lot to help around the house and have taken on more recently because she says she has nothing left for me and is unwilling to sacrifice more of herself. She feels like she has "no free time". I disagree, but have not said so. She is an avid reader and gets through about 1 book a week. She works out 5 times per week. Part time job. Kids. House. Yeah it is a full plate, but there is some flex time in there.

She claims to be happy (up until the rings came off) and has said in the past if I want to make her happier to be nice to our kids. I have always been an active father, go to all of their activities, take work off for them and family, don't bring work home, play with them, very supportive of them, "cool" Dad, sports coach, etc.

I also do the little things for her - tell her I love her, leave her notes, hug / kiss her, draw her a bath, random flowers (although not recently - can't find a $%^& florist around here), random backrubs, ask her what she wants in bed. This stuff is not a chore. I enjoy it. I love her deeply and she is as HOT as ever even at 40+!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

yesterday said:


> He's hours away. No physical contact that I am aware of. I have not done the cellphone call / text record check to verify the communication frequency. I feel it best at this stage to trust her on this one.


Think about this one, while trust is important taking a look at the phone bill is not out of line. You pay for it. Be prepared just in case you find there is more contact then she is letting on. She has already stated “you couldn’t handle it” so there may be more contact then you suspect.



yesterday said:


> What is she missing from me? I do a lot to help around the house and have taken on more recently because she says she has nothing left for me and is unwilling to sacrifice more of herself. She feels like she has "no free time". I disagree, but have not said so. She is an avid reader and gets through about 1 book a week. She works out 5 times per week. Part time job. Kids. House. Yeah it is a full plate, but there is some flex time in there.


Very admirable but what you are attending to here are the physical aspects of what she would like help with. What about her emotional needs?  Think carefully about what she says to you. She says she has no free time but you see it differently. What qualifies for free time in her mind? Time alone to read a book, go shopping, get out of the house… When she states her wants think them over carefully and look past the obvious. Do you go out on dates? Do you get time alone out of the house without the kids? It doesn’t have to be a date, just a trip to the store together…. Finally I’d suggest you read “The Five Languages of Love” to determine what your languages are. Likely you have different languages.


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## yesterday (Feb 6, 2009)

Amplexor said:


> Think about this one, while trust is important taking a look at the phone bill is not out of line. You pay for it. Be prepared just in case you find there is more contact then she is letting on. She has already stated “you couldn’t handle it” so there may be more contact then you suspect.
> 
> 
> 
> Very admirable but what you are attending to here are the physical aspects of what she would like help with. What about her emotional needs? Think carefully about what she says to you. She says she has no free time but you see it differently. What qualifies for free time in her mind? Time alone to read a book, go shopping, get out of the house… When she states her wants think them over carefully and look past the obvious. Do you go out on dates? Do you get time alone out of the house without the kids? It doesn’t have to be a date, just a trip to the store together…. Finally I’d suggest you read “The Five Languages of Love” to determine what your languages are. Likely you have different languages.


Thanks for the responses, advice and the book reference. The emotional connection is difficult for us cuz I am a "typical" guy (although trying to raise my EQ) and she admits to being more like a guy, emotionally. I'll keep working to dig deeper.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

yesterday said:


> What is she missing from me?


I can only guess that you have been in some way detached or distant - perhaps not now, but in the past. I say this because you don't seem to understand what your wife is saying to you with her behaviour.

She has no respect for you at all. That does not happen on it's own. You need to pinpoint the original resentment - fast.


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