# Ex-Wife is Missing Son's Middle School Graduation



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

I'm the custodial parent of my sixteen-year old daughter and fourteen-year old son. Next week my son's middle school graduation will be held in the gymnasium of the high school that he'll be attending in the Fall. Although it's only middle school, this is quite an accomplishment since he'll be receiving awards for both academics and perfect attendance.
Two years ago, we attended a similar function for my daughter and had a great time.

On Mondays and Wednesdays, my ex-wife goes over to the house and cooks dinner for the kids. (An arrangement that she suggested and has proven so far to be beneficial for all of us.) I got home from work yesterday and there's a note on the kitchen counter, which basically says that she will have to miss my son's graduation because of a previously scheduled business trip. Keep in mind that I sent her the information about the function over three weeks ago. She said that she offered to cancel her trip but my son told her to go ahead anyway.

This is the second time that she's bailed on one of his school functions. The last time was about three months ago (while we were separated) when she was unable to attend because she got sick. Now granted, I spoke to her afterwards and she did sound like hell -- so maybe this one was legitimate. However, I think she's bailing this time out of guilt and shame because: 1) she knew about the graduation for three weeks and is just now bringing up the business trip conflict; 2) she sought permission from my son on whether or not to attend; and 3) she left a note instead of discussing it with me in person when she saw me on Sunday.

This would've been the first time that she was out in public with her 'former' family and I think she's just being a coward because she didn't want to face the friends and acquaintances that she's been avoiding. I just hope that she eventually gets over herself because our daughter will be graduation from high school in two years.


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

Have you thought about going completely dark on her, plan B style? She sounds like a crappy mother in addition to being a serial adultress.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

You may be right. But, there is nothing you can do about it. 

One of the toughest things post divorce is just letting go. You have no influence with this woman, nor should you want it, IMO.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

zsu234 said:


> Have you thought about going completely dark on her, plan B style? She sounds like a crappy mother in addition to being a serial adultress.


Did you read the post?

Unfortunately, I'll have to deal with her on a weekly basis for at least four more years (the time that my son graduates from high school.)

I guess I was just wondering if it's common for cheaters to miss important functions out of guilt and shame. This is the opposite of the situation that Tidal1 mentioned in one of the threads where his ex uninvited him to his step-daughter's graduation. In this case, my ex uninvited herself.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

BigLiam said:


> You may be right. But, there is nothing you can do about it.
> 
> One of the toughest things post divorce is just letting go. You have no influence with this woman, nor should you want it, IMO.


Big Liam, I know that you're right. My first instinct was to fire off a text to her about how selfish she was being, but I restrained myself. In the end, it will be her loss. These are memories that I'm experiencing with my kids. 

Interestingly, when she first moved out, she unfriended me on Facebook but I used the kids' account to see her posts (I don't care enough to do this anymore.) In one of them she was complaining about how long the weekends were. I guess life as a single cougar is not what it's cracked up to be.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

She is a real piece of work. I guess it is only all about her. She is such an idiot.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Big Liam, I know that you're right. My first instinct was to fire off a text to her about how selfish she was being, but I restrained myself. In the end, it will be her loss. These are memories that I'm experiencing with my kids.
> 
> Interestingly, when she first moved out, she unfriended me on Facebook but I used the kids' account to see her posts (I don't care enough to do this anymore.) In one of them she was complaining about how long the weekends were. I guess life as a single cougar is not what it's cracked up to be.


This is a good attitude. The odds are she will not have the fun she anticipated.
I found that having as little contact as possible with my remorseless XW really helped me let go.
You have a bit of a complicated situation logistically, but is there a chance that iwt will evolve into her getting a place big enough to accomodate having the kids over? 
It must feel strained and strange with her in your house cooking etc. Sort of a Quasi part time marriage.
Are you holding onto some glimmer of hope that she becomes remorseful and you can get back together?


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

BigLiam said:


> This is a good attitude. The odds are she will not have the fun she anticipated.
> I found that having as little contact as possible with my remorseless XW really helped me let go.
> You have a bit of a complicated situation logistically, but is there a chance that iwt will evolve into her getting a place big enough to accomodate having the kids over?
> It must feel strained and strange with her in your house cooking etc. Sort of a Quasi part time marriage.
> *Are you holding onto some glimmer of hope that she becomes remorseful and you can get back together?*


Hell no!! Did I mention, HELL NO!! No, 35 years is long enough. Also, I'm never there when she goes over to cook for the kids. Because of my schedule, I usually get home late sometimes. After she moved out, she asked if it was ok for her to go over and cook for the kids. I thought this was a good idea because it gave the kids an opportunity to see her more and also get more variety in their meals.

This is by no means a part-time marriage. I might see her once or twice a week and it's usually hi and bye. She's not my friend but I try to remain friendly.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My ex h missed every single sport game, play, concert, debate, ect.. with my daughter. In fact she just turned 18 and wrote to her that he's finally free of paying child support and what a great milestone that was. He shut her out of his life years ago and refuses her to even talk to her step siblings over the phone. 

I don't think missing 2 functions is not the end of the world. If you are divorced, your wife needs to support herself and canceling these meetings are probably beyond her control. I know my husband is not allowed to cancel his meetings.

I've also missed a few plays, but that's when my pain is out of control unbearable, my husband takes my place. I feel awful, but I'm also disabled and housebound. I can not sit in a 4 hour play without any neck support. I love my children and they are my world. Luckily they understand my condition.

Yes, it's a big deal for your son, but your wife loves her children. My ex hates my daughter, but loves the ones he has with his current wife.

Life's way too short to sweat the small things. I'd let it go and move on. I'm sure she is dying inside and hopefully you and your son understand.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

I had to have a lot of contact with my XW due to the kids. I kept waiting for her to own what she did and kept expecting an apology.
Then, it dawned on me. She was capable of cheating, serially, because she has no conscience. I was, essentially, expecting something that she was utterly incapable of doing.
Anyway, eventually, I got to the point where I just had no investment in anything she did or did not do. But, minimizing contact helped with this.
What would happen if you told her to take the kids to her place? When do you get time off like she does?


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Life's way too short to sweat the small things. I'd let it go and move on. I'm sure she is dying inside and hopefully you and your son understand.


Your ex sounds like a very horrible person. How can you hate your own daughter?

You're right. She does love her kids and I'm sure she regrets having to miss out on some of the milestones in their lives. Her note just rubbed me the wrong way.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Big Liam, I know that you're right. My first instinct was to fire off a text to her about how selfish she was being, but I restrained myself.


I remember you begging her not to divorce but see how that ended? I doubt she is open for any logical conversation, even about the kids from this example you gave. Not much you can do to change her or give her hints of what she should do, she is going to need to learn it on her own.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

BigLiam said:


> I had to have a lot of contact with my XW due to the kids. I kept waiting for her to own what she did and kept expecting an apology.
> Then, it dawned on me. She was capable of cheating, serially, because she has no conscience. I was, essentially, expecting something that she was utterly incapable of doing.
> Anyway, eventually, I got to the point where I just had no investment in anything she did or did not do. But, minimizing contact helped with this.
> *What would happen if you told her to take the kids to her place? When do you get time off like she does?*


Fortunately, the kids are older and pretty self-sufficient. She's got a two-bedroom apartment that's about four miles away and the three of us live in a five-bedroom four and half bath 3600 sq home. (Yeah, it didn't seem this big when she was living here.) They have everything that they need in the house.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Count---you need to calm down---you are D.---what she does is her business, and her business only---and just maybe she does have to go out of town, and you sure as he*l don't want her to lose her job, and not have her own financial support.

If she is missing it cuz she just doesn't wanna go---then the only person she is hurting is herself, and you going into mental gyrations---DOES NOT DO ONE THING FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH.

From what you say, she does her part to the best of her ability----do not make this D. any worse, with your own animosity----you D, her---now move on, and forget about her!!!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

To hell with her. Her loss. It will all trickle and flow down into the Karma River. 

Wonder what will happen in ten years when your daughter forgets to tell the ex she went into labor and had her first baby without her mom knowing about it? Things like that result from bullsh*t like this.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Count---you need to calm down---you are D.---what she does is her business, and her business only---and just maybe she does have to go out of town, and you sure as he*l don't want her to lose her job, and not have her own financial support.
> 
> If she is missing it cuz she just doesn't wanna go---then the only person she is hurting is herself, and you going into mental gyrations---DOES NOT DO ONE THING FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH.
> 
> From what you say, she does her part to the best of her ability----do not make this D. any worse, with your own animosity----you D, her---now move on, and forget about her!!!


Jng Express, you make some very valid points. You're right about her only hurting herself.

I just have to get used to this 'co-parenting' because sometimes I don't feel that she's holding up her end of the bargain. There's no animosity -- more indifference.

Thanks for the input.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

It's her loss to be frank, goes to show what her priorities are in life.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

If she want's to bail out on her son, then that's her thing. The important thing for you to be doing is being the best parent and the best Dad to your kids. So, when you're at his graduation and they call his name to walk across the stage, you make sure you cheer the loudest out of anyone in that room. You let him know you're there and you are extremely proud of him. 

That's what he's going to remember. That's a memory he will keep with him for the rest of his life. Him seeing his father damn near acting like a fool and beaming with pride. He'll hold onto that memory.

As for what your wife is doing, Each little "business trip" she takes to avoid the important things in his life is going to put a bigger rift between the two. Yeah, he'll still love her because she's his mom. But, she was never there to celebrate the things that were important to him. And, unfortuanately, he's going to remember that too.

So, do him a favor and be his hero! OH! And take the kids out to celebrate afterwards. Take him to his favorite restaurant. Get him a nice gift if you can swing it. It's his day....make it special.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Count, I agree with most everyone else -- it's annoying, but it's no longer your affair. And Crossbar makes some really good points!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Infidelity spreads its tendrils throughout all aspects of a person's life.

Your wife is as incapable of being true and faithful to her children as she was to you when she was your wife. It is a flaw and weakness in her. You cannot control it.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Complexity said:


> It's her loss to be frank, goes to show what her priorities are in life.


Complexity, you are so right.

Because of her infidelity, I think back to the narcissistic clues that I ignored in our marriage. For example, when the kids were much younger she would always complain about them not thanking her for doing things for them. I would always point out that, while it would've been nice for them to do so, they didn't owe her anything because it was her duty as a mother to do these things. (Keep in mind, in some of these incidents the kids were I believe ages four and six.)

I think about how great it will be when I don't have to deal with her, but I also realize that I should enjoy the time I have left before the kids fly the coop and just go with the flow.

Thanks again for your input.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

My son's middle school graduation was tonight and my daughter and I had a great time. I really appreciate the advice that was given to me last week, especially from jnj express. He's right about my ex -- it's her life and she doesn't owe me a thing. Her missing important events such as this is her loss, which she will no doubt regret one day.

(BTW, I slipped him a Benjamin as a graduation present and he chose Ihop for dinner after the ceremony.)

Life is good.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Excellent stuff Count, it's about you and the kids now. These are precious moments that will live with you forever, I'm not too certain she can say the same about her business trips.....


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

As others have said, it's her loss. Your kids will remember who was with them during the important days of their lives. They will also remember who chose to be absent. 

Don't feel sad - you are a pillar for your kids, and they will always love you for being there for them. Your ex is too short-sighted and vain to realize. She will face the consequences of her choices when they mature.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Guilt. All those couples at the ceremony. Guilt. Seeing you and the children. Guilt. Having to explain to people she hasn't seen in a while that she is now not married and is now a cougar? Guilt. And Repeat!

As Oscar Wilde once said: "I am sorry I cannot attend your party, owing to a subsequent engagement."

Who knows? It might even have been a real business trip she arranged in order not to face herself.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Guilt. All those couples at the ceremony. Guilt. Seeing you and the children. Guilt. Having to explain to people she hasn't seen in a while that she is now not married and is now a cougar? Guilt. And Repeat!
> 
> As Oscar Wilde once said: "I am sorry I cannot attend your party, owing to a subsequent engagement."
> 
> *Who knows? It might even have been a real business trip she arranged in order not to face herself.*


:iagree:


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