# Just found out about husband's infideltiy...now what?



## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

A little background: married for 41/2 years, high school sweethearts that had only slept with each other until a month ago. We have a 3 year old daughter and I'm 4 1/2 months pregnant. Our relationship has been rocky for 3 years, since our daughter's birth. We lost our partnership and stopped really communicating. We would have 3 bad months and then have two good weeks and the cycle would repeat. 

I broke down and confronted him Tuesday night because I knew something was wrong, but never expected cheating. He slept with a co-worker twice over a month time frame. She is younger and very attractive, more attractive than myself. He confessed fully and has answered every question I've asked so far. He said he last slept with her for the second time two weeks ago and halfway through, realized what he was doing and left. Since then, he talked to her at work but didn't go back to her place. 

After I confronted him, he immediately called her and apologized to her for allowing it to happen and told her she couldn't call ever again. He then quit his job. Since then, we've met with our pastor, we've spent hours upon hours talking, crying and grieving together. I'm not sure what my next step is. He left the house at my request Tuesday night. Everything is still so fresh that I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing now.

I feel he is making every attempt to prove to me he wants our marriage to work. I miss him more now than I ever have before and I find myself calling him every now and then just to say hi or texting him to tell him good morning. Then I feel like I'm still supposed to be angry(which I am at times) but I'm more hurt and betrayed than anything. Is it wrong of me to want to spend so much time with him right now? Is it wrong of me to be showing him so much attention? I don't want him to feel like everything is okay or like I'm okay, because they're not. I'm not. I'm just hurting and being away from my best friend hurts even more. 

Sorry for the rambling. I'm just trying to approach this in the best way, so I don't look like a doormat to him.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Sounds like you're both handling it pretty well; I think you're confused by your feelings right now. Deal with the issues at hand, don't just rug sweep, and at the end of it all you should come out with a better understanding of how to move forward with your husband.

Great start, though, you sound like a very strong person; you will need strength for this challenge. Best wishes.


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

Thank you so much for your response. I keep stalking the forum waiting for someone with experience, someone on the outside to answer and offer guidance. I'm VERY confused by what I should be doing and shouldn't be doing. I've never wanted to kiss my husband more than I do right now but I know I shouldn't. I've never wanted to have him around more than I do right now, but I feel like I should be making him wait until he's about to burst because he hasn't seen me in a while. I don't want to be too available and willing, but I also don't want to be distant and unwilling.....this is a total roller coaster!


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

First of all I am sorry that you are here. We understand the pain you are suffering because many of us have been though the same thing. There are also people here who are the betrayer and they bring a perspective to the forum that is not always comfortable, but it is useful!
It really sounds like your husband is remorseful from the post.

He has phoned her and initiated no contact
He has quit his job to make this possible
He is providing details of the affair.
These are pre-requisites to any Reconciliation but there are a few more things you should consider.

When a cheater is found out, as you found out, they invariably try and minimise the affair to "avoid hurting you" He needs to understand that withholding anything from you is another betrayal. 
You need to start to feel safe too. He gives you all passwords.
Email, facebook, computer, hands you his phone.

While your pastor may be a good person I would recommend a professionally trained Marriage Counsellor to help you though this.

Honestly. I would allow him back to your home. Separation is a prelude to divorce. You may not want him in your bed, this is normal. being in the house he can demonstrate a commitment to you.

All the feelings you are feeling are completely normal and should not be minimised. Let the grief out, because your husband killed your marriage as you know it. You may have it in you to forgive but you will never forget. Over time you will know if you can continue the marriage, right now just look after yourself and your children. Let your husband do the heavy lifting to save the marriage.

Do some exercise. It will help clear the toxic chemicals that come from grief from your body.
Eat food high in Omega 3. [ fish] This is proven to reduce stress.

Do not tell your husband about this site . This is your safe place.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I think that right now, your emotions and feelings are okay.
Read my stories. have your husband read them, too.
This can be put back together if both of you are willing.
I do think that it is a bad idea for either of you to leave home right now. Lonely and vulnerable is not a good place for either of you.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

aqua123 said:


> Thank you so much for your response. I keep stalking the forum waiting for someone with experience, someone on the outside to answer and offer guidance. I'm VERY confused by what I should be doing and shouldn't be doing. I've never wanted to kiss my husband more than I do right now but I know I shouldn't. I've never wanted to have him around more than I do right now, but I feel like I should be making him wait until he's about to burst because he hasn't seen me in a while. I don't want to be too available and willing, but I also don't want to be distant and unwilling.....this is a total roller coaster!


Why shouldn't you? It is called Hysterical Bonding and helps you reclaim each other. It is what YOU WANT that counts.


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

Thank you for your reply, ing. Your last sentence brought a smile to my face, because I need a safe place. To vent, to get advice, to grow and to grieve. 

I think my next step will be to back off slightly. I won't call him and will wait for him to call me. I'll never refuse to see him, but won't invite him to come up for a talk. And I would like to see his phone. He doesn't do email, Facebook or anything like that.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Read the CWI welcome newbies thread so you can read up on all the terms and better understand what you're going thru
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## str8insane (Jan 30, 2012)

I wish my hubby would have done even half of what yours did to prove he was sorry.
I would have enjoyed if my h would have called his ow.
I had him on skype,made him show me his cell & her number plus other women as well.i made him call her after 15 minutes of begging.well when she answered--he hung up on her.she called back.he shut the cell off.screamed at me.he was sooo defensive..told me they were just friends.if they were just friends then calling her would be no problem & she would talk to me & him..then he started calling her all these aweful names,bashing her,trying anything for me to drop it.but i knew..i just didnt know it was deeper then i thought.what i saw,read & was told by so many of his army buddies was not the man i married at all..he was a whole diferent man with this woman.i felt as you do about wanting him with me,but i have come to realize that it's becuz we feel cheated,that is our husband,sharing our marriage & life with a stranger..so i understand how you feel.but i have to give your husband credit for coming clean,calling the ow,quiting his job to show you he was wrong..he is trying..


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

I do truly believe he is trying. He sold his XBox, without my knowledge. He said it's time to grow up and stop being selfish and the XBox and the amount of time he spent on it were always areas of frustration in our marriage. So when I found out he had done that, it meant a lot. He then took the $100 he got for the XBox and bought me the biggest, most beautiful bouquet of flowers. He left them in my car seat so I would find them while I was at work. I know flowers are so cliche, but it sure felt good to know he was thinking about me out of the blue.

I had a really bad day yesterday. I had a lot of anger and frustrations. He knew it and came home to be with me for a while. We bathed our daughter together, ate dinner together, put her to bed together...things we never did before. It was nice. After she fell asleep, we sat in the living room, talked, he answered more questions as they randomly popped in my head. And before he left I kissed him. Really kissed him. We stood in the living room, holding each other, and kissed for 15 minutes. 

I thought I would think of them together while I was kissing him, but she wasn't on my mind. I worried that maybe she was on his, but that's my issue to deal with. 

My big stumbling block last night and today is the lack of pain and punishment he's feeling. He says I just don't know how broken he is. He hates himself and will never forgive himself, even if I do. But to me, it seems like he has it pretty good. DDay was just 3 days ago but we're already making out like teenagers? 

I asked him last night to please not hurt me again because I'm falling in love with him again. How does the BS fall in love after an affair? I feel so dumb sometimes.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

there are some similarities in our stories aqua, (spouse had short lived PA with coworker) you may wish to read my story in my signature. It will give you a glimpse of what emotions you will feel and how to approach infidelity by learning from my mistakes and what I did right


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

Lord knows I am no expert at this. I do find your husband's actions after the reveal to be encouraging. As with many of us here, we wish our spouses would have been honest instead continuing to tell more lies to cover up. As painful as his reveal was to you the other side of the coin of lying and hiding is much worse in my opinion. In my case, I offered my husband the chance to come clean, told him if he had made a mistake let's try to work through it. Instead he continues to deny and it has been 6 months now. His denial and lies has hurt our family deeply, more so in my opinion than coming clean. I have 3 adult sons and they know he is lying. Lies destroy so much.
I wish you and your husband the best of luck and I believe that if both of you are sincerely committed to repairing your marriage that you will succeed.


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

Yesterday was a tough day. A roller coaster day, for sure. I'm finding that when I'm by myself, I do nothing but think of everything that happened. While I know that asking all the detailed questions I have asked is necessary for my healing, it's also cutting me to the core to now have these images in my head.

Last night, the anger set in. Today, I'm back to hurting. We talked last night about when he would come back home. He said he wanted me to be sure I could live what what he did when I ask him to come back. I thought that was fair enough. Right now, I think someday I'll be able to forgive him. But I'm still not sure if I'll be able to live with it. 

Is there anything else we should be doing to make sure we're on the right path? Anything in particular we should be discussing? Thanks so much to everyone for helping me through this. It's truly been a blessing.


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

aqua

His Stint , The Trust Issue and The OW- at times, bothers you..it actually torments you a bit much..

Now your hubby has been CONTRITE and is probably very Repenting...but you are not able to forgive him completely, you feel he is relaxed, without remorse...but all his actions are speaking well of his present Transformation...

So , if you will talk out with Poise and Understanding, and Vow a Renewed Resolution of Trust and Truth, here after, perhaps you may have a Clear Conscience in Forgiveness, when he himself is renewed for a Revival of your Husband and Wife Oneness...

Make is fluently ASAP

God Speed.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

I don't have any answers for you but please allow yourself time to absorb all that has happened. Your marriage will not be repaired over night, it just doesn't work that way. I know that you are going through so much right now, but you must think of you and your children at this point. Don't make any sudden decisions. You need to really understand how you feel before you can move forward with or without him. That's just my 2 cents.


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

Lonestar, I know you're right that this won't be repaired overnight. But the thought of this pain lasting on and on and on and on is suffocating me. Even though I want so desperately to make it work, I just don't know how I'll ever heal from this. I keep seeing those who have been through and are now on the other side saying it takes time. I just can't stomach the thought of thinking about this forever.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

aqua123, I totally understand. I am 6 months into my situation and I still have the same feelings you do on the pain lasting on and on. I thought filing for a divorce would help me, it really didn't. I am morally and spiritually against divorce. Signing the divorce petition felt like I was signing my own death warrant, killing my family. The reality of the situation told me I had to file for divorce in order to do what I could for my financial future. I would love to tell you that after so many days the pain goes away, but I can't. The days ahead of you are long and hard. I'm not saying you won't make but I understand how you think that you won't make it. I wish I had found this forum 6 months ago. During this nightmare I thought I was going insane, that I was crazy, tried to ignore evidence of cheating, anything I could do to not have to deal with it. I found it can't be escaped, I'm not crazy, I'm a loving normal person that has just had her heart ripped out and served on a platter. All I can do is take each day at a time and plan the best I can until the ******* throws another monkey wrench into the mix. I pray for the day that I don't feel this pain anymore but I have to accept that the day may not be in the near future. 
Hang in there, so many of us here are going through the same thing. Let's take this opportunity to rely on each other in this forum to help us through these terrible situations. 
PM me if you feel I can lend a listening ear so to speak. {{Hugs}}


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

aqua123 said:


> Lonestar, I know you're right that this won't be repaired overnight. But the thought of this pain lasting on and on and on and on is suffocating me. Even though I want so desperately to make it work, I just don't know how I'll ever heal from this. I keep seeing those who have been through and are now on the other side saying it takes time. I just can't stomach the thought of thinking about this forever.


I am two years from d-day. I still feel a lot of pain and confusion, but I am able to think about other things more of the time and to enjoy things I liked before the A. I think that is progress. I am still on the roller coaster but the lows are getting a bit farther apart. You may not heal completely; I'm sure I never will, there will always be a scar. I miss the marriage we had before the POSOW came along and convinced my H that he was " lucky to have her "and that I would never find out about them. It has left me with the feeling that he is capable of anything and that trusting him is not really a safe thing to do. I miss that trusting relationship, and I resent the fact that he changed the parameters of our relationship ( married 20 years) without my permission. I still have times when I feel like a complete doormat for staying with him. This forum has helped me a great deal. It was here I found that I was reacting normally to a horrible situation; and I found support and the courage to hang in there. Sorry you have joined the club in which no one wants membership. I wish you the best.


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

Today I want to quit. Give up and let my anger consume me. Today I'm questioning if giving up would let me begin to heal faster and if so, it looks mighty tempting because the pain....help me Lord, the pain is too much.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Looking back, I now view recovery from trauma as non-linear. In other words, imagine one of those line graphs that looks like a mountain range.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

let me ask though- can you rely on your husband to help you through days like this? If you have a good and true R then you need to have him take the brunt of it.


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

Yes, I believe he's here to help me through. He knows he's at fault, but I don't think he knows how to help me. I don't know how to help myself right now.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

click the newbie link in my signature

scroll down to the third post and you'll find a long quote from chapparal, lots of good tips for your husband to read and implement, print it out for him

also- start bonding by doing things together one on one at least 10-15 hours a week, figure out a shared interest and do that together. the more fun you have together the stronger the bond

Spend time talking as well, don't hold back on how you feel, always be honest with each other and don't get defensive with each other either when you do talk. Listen and respond calmly and put things in terms of how certain acts and things each other say make you feel. Don't use terms like "never" and "always" when discussing problems. (ie. You always do this! or You never do that) You'll start to understand each other better and find better ways to approach problems. The book His Needs her Needs will help as well.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

aqua123 said:


> Yes, I believe he's here to help me through. He knows he's at fault, but I don't think he knows how to help me. I don't know how to help myself right now.


Sorry for your pain. I am just a little over 1 month out from D-Day. The pain will be intense. Anger will just overtake you at times. My WS has at least read the post on what a BS goes through. It is a fairly long read and she read it and has applied what she has read. I hope your husband can come to grips with what he has caused in your life and reach out to you. 

If my WS had not done so I would be gone.

By the way, there will be many times where you just don't know why you are still there and I can't say at this point if it is worth it.

You are in for the ride of your life and many things including your sanity will be tested.

Take care of yourself.


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

Last night I found out my husband still has feelings for the OW. He had been dodging my request for answers about their emotional involvement all day and I confronted him finally last night. He said he knew if he told me, that would be the last straw. He had developed feelings for her, genuine feelings. Even though he ended the affair, he still thinks about her and cannot tell me with 100% certainty that he doesn't love her. 

I was under the impression their cheating was solely because he was looking to feel something, feel loved, wanted, admired and she provided that. But now, I realize he had an affair...a physical AND emotional affair. And he still has feelings for her. 

How can we reconcile if he still has those feelings? How can he know he wants to be with me when he's not sure he doesn't want to be with her?


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