# what world... and a question



## celan (Jan 2, 2010)

i am stunned to find that there are so many who are even now -- today -- shattered. in agony. i feel a kind of solidarity with many of you that, of course, still doesn't take away my own fear, pain, and isolation.

it's been a week since learning of my wife's year-long infidelity with a close friend of mine. 

i could just cut and paste so many of the outpourings of rage and confusion that others have written. the cruelty of it all... makes me nauseous. 

i do not know what world it is that i'm in. that, apparently, we are in. hell. 

the reason i'm posting is to ask:

we are committing to work, to rebuild. we have young kids. we've had many years of an incredible marriage. not so much the last 2. 

there are emotions of remorse on her part, but it seems few and far between for her to access. what i don't understand is... is it common for the person who has cheated to, after the confession, act 'normal'?

i am in hell and she comes home from work and can talk to friends like "normal" (what a horrendous word... normal). 

she has moments of tears, deep shame... but with two kids, friends around for the holidays, etc for most of the day she acts as if nothing really has happened. 

i am stunned at her ability to go through a day... no, even just an hour, as if life is 'normal'. 

i can understand that she must feel relief that at least one massive layer of lying is over. she said the day after i found out... 'I feel like I've woken up for the first time in years." 

but she doesn't seem to understand, or feel... or be able to connect with-or-to the hell that i feel. 

should i expect her to?

it is normal for cheating spouses to come to a slow realization of what they've done? of the immensity of what they've killed? broken? is it possible that they can't - for protective reasons - dwell in the shame and brokenness of what they've done?

we'll be seeing a therapist this next week... and have already begun bridging, talking.. tears... but it's the day to day emotional 'normalcy' that makes me choke. 

i know every story is different. but thoughts... insight... anyone?


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I can understand how you feel, I found out my husband had an affair as well in Nov/09. He just goes about his business as usual. I know he feels remorse but it isn't like my pain, which seems to be non stop, thinking about it a lot and wanting to discuss and figure out the answers. I think it must be now that we have enormous trust issues and with an affair a lot of lying goes with that as well, so we are not believing or trusting at this point, so everything is a question.....you will have to learn to trust your wife again, that will take time.
At least she wants to work things out, you are lucky you have an opportunity to fix everything that was wrong in your relationship and have the best one you two could possibly have.
a little work and you are all set, give yourself time and believe in your relationship.
good luck


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## sparkle (Dec 13, 2009)

I understand exactly how you feel. They go about their everyday business like nothing at all is wrong. And your world has collapsed. It has been a 3 weeks now since I found out about my husband's affair. 

I think them pretending normalcy is just more selfishness so they don't think about the guilt, but who knows.

The first week was total HELL for me. I couldn't eat, and could hardly function at work. If it makes you feel better, the pain does subside and get 'numb' with time. Now at week 3 I am trying to re-evaluate my life. We have no kids so I'm really left questioning how I can trust a man to have children with if he could do this. 

His acting 'normal' can upset me even more, because things aren't normal and will never be the 'normal' I felt before. 

Hang in there. It is total hell, but I already feel like a stronger person, and have a totally different view of the world.


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## celan (Jan 2, 2010)

you are both so kind to reply. my GOD do i feel for you each... if it's anything like this.......

i am in awe of what suffering humans can endure.

thank you for responding.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I feel you on this one. When I found out about my H's affair, it was about a half hour before his birthday party. So my whole world started shattering into a million pieces, and he was in the back yard drinking and BSing with his friends. And if I hadn't been in utter shock ( and had the kids there) I can't honestly say the party would have gone even slightly the same. 
Makes you sit there and go "damn, I am in here HURTING and they are just there acting like they ate the last cookie or something". All I can tell you is this: when I asked my H how he could do that, he said it was a mix of tension and not knowing what else to do. Honestly, I was going through the motions just wanting to get through the night without making our guests uncomfortable. And I guess I could say he was doing the same. 
I don't expect my H to have any insights as to what I'm feeling, I have never done this to him before, so I make sure I tell him in the best words I can what I need and I what I am feeling. Doesn't always work out the best, but at least he knows.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Hi Celan,

Sorry you are going though this. I really know how it tears a person to pieces on the inside. At least your wife admitted to the affair and is willing to work on the marriage. That's more than I ever got. My estranged husband threw away a 20 plus year marriage. He has had so many girlfriends I can't even count them. In addition, he is also doing the swinging couples thing. He denied everything even after presented with hard evidence. And to top that off in the past year, he says I drove him to it. I'll tell you what my awesome therapist told me. "There are plenty of sick people in the world without a conscience." I believe it! Just remember to turn to God when the going gets tough. Hope things work out for you and your heart heals. May God bless you and your family.


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## stupidme (Nov 15, 2009)

The first few weeks after finding out, I was devastated and all he could offer was, "Get over it!!". Oh, really. He was tired of my constant tears, my lashing outs, my inability to sleep because every time I lie down, I'd be crying over it. I think he purposely trivialized his A to lessen his guilt.

I think when he saw her as what she truly was and got over her that he realized the extent of the damage he did to me, to our marriage. He now says it's the greatest regret of his life, and apologized over and over again. H said he knows I will never be able to forget what he did and he will never forget what he did so he trying his best to correct his past mistakes, to make our marriage stronger than before.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

I know the "normalcy" is tough but you both have to continue on with life, while working through this. You truly can't let it consume you, as hard as it is at times. It's only been a week for you so cut yourself some slack, you're going through many raw emotions and that's ok. It's been just over 2 months since I found out my H's A with a good friend. I can honestly say that time does help to heal. 

I know it's really tough to put on the happy face and act normal but you both have to at times. You say you have 2 young children, as do I, so you have to do that for them. I know it's hard for you to watch her doing this because you think/feel she's not sorry, how can she not be more upset, etc. But you don't know what she's feeling internally and is probably going through remorse, guilt, sadness too. I have asked my H that question and he confirmed. Also, he reminded me that as ugly as it is, when there is infidelity, there is lying/hiding so they have had to act "normal" during the A. That's the part that was hard for me because we, myself included, had to start lying to many of our friends as we are not letting this A out in open to salvage both my marriage & the marriage of the OW & her hubby. So, then I hated having to deceive people, etc. and it would piss me off. 

There are still days that I will be going through my day, be incredibly happy, having fun, whatever and then I look at my H and boom - am reminded of what he did. And it makes me sad. BUT I then refocus and look at the fun/happiness I have and am reminded of the alternative. I chose to rebuild my marriage and live happily ever after. 

If you don't mind me getting all philosophical - don't we all get through our days acting "normal" when it fact we or our lives are not? Behind each person you encounter everyday is probably something we don't realize they are enduring or struggling with - an affair, a death, a loss of a friend, a sickness, financial woes - the list goes on and on. Sometimes when I start down the "pity" path - it helps to look at the big picture, you know? My daughter was born with a medical condition and has had several hospital stays in her young life. My friends used to say "how can you do it? I freak out when my kid just has a cold, I don't know how you do it?" My answer - because when I am at the Hospital there is always someone else who has it much worse. SO, instead of listing the all the "why" questions - why me, why her, why not....), I count my blessings instead. 

Best of luck to you.


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## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

I dealt with the same thing - the first week I was crushed, not eating, not getting out of bed, missed more work than I ever have in my life. He went to work every single day. Honestly I think part of it is that in hiding the A, they have already been pretending for a long time and they are practiced in it. Eventually for me that wall came down. His pain "caught up to" mine and now we are more on the same page. It did seem unfair that I was literally writhing in pain and he was able to function but it's just affected him differently. I've come to realize that it's ok, as long as we're both dealing with things in our own way.

It does get better. I would rate my pain on a scale of 1-10 as:
1st day - numb, 5 or 6
2nd-7th day - 11
7th-10th day - 8
10th day - end of first month - 7
Second month - 6, with a few 10 days when issues came up
Third month - 5, with a few days at a 7 or 8
Fourth month (now) - daily it's a 2 or 3, with a few 6-7 days here and there


Granted YMMV, our first month was very intensive in terms of talking 12 hours a day most days, attending therapy, etc. and we didn't spend more than a few hours apart for 3 1/2 months.


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## manchild (Nov 9, 2009)

Celan, I would expect that her 'normalcy' is just her desire to get back to normal.... i.e. it is a survival technique to get back toward healthy living, her pain is there but rather than let it rip her apart she is compartmentalizing it, stowing it away so she can function

by trade I am a pilot and in the ****pit we have an expression, first and foremost some must fly the plane, both the pilot and copilot cannot be heads down..........so if she is not acting remourseful and she is 'normal' then let her fly the plane, you are not in any shape to be at the controls right now you are too distracted

but regarding her normalcy, this is not necessarily bad, one person cannot expect another to absorb or to process what you are feeling the same way you do........... she's been living with the guilt for a while now, she's been ...........compartmentalizing it and she has become proficient with that ........ you are just now beginning to process it, you are getting started much later in this sad process

you say you have kids..........think of it as a good thing that she can at least carry on being normal around them.......the kids need her to be normal............ she's going to have to carry that burden for a while........ later on when you come out on the other side you can again be there fully for your children........it is going to take a long time for you to build up the trust again

thus, know that she is probably very very sorry, she screwed up, I imagine that you love(d) her, there is a reason for that, she must have been worth loving for a reason focus upon that and then work to love her again and as much, she'll have to exercise her own deamons in her own time and in her own way


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## manchild (Nov 9, 2009)

hmmm the system abuse nazis don't like my use of the word 'kockpit' above.........well you get my meaning.....yes?


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