# Staying for the wrong reasons...



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Pros of staying married: it is comfortable (not in a good way but in a know what to expect way) , when think about seriously being on my own feel scared and anxious. Scared of what my family will think, my H is well liked so I could picture them thinking I am making a huge mistake.

Cons: not happy, have no romantic feelings for husband, no desire to work on marriage, feel depressed, unfocused, stressed. Am averaging about 4 hours of sleep per night. Feel like I am sinking into more of a deeper depression because I feel like crying about 50% of the time.


H is working two weeks on and two weeks off so currently he is home until next Wednesday. Yesterday I came home once again after work to find the lunch dishes still sitting in the sink/counter basically he did nothing from when I left home to go back to work after lunch to when I came home for the day, except for watch tv. I ended up cleaning up it took all of 10 minutes. Seriously he could not have done that for me. Then he gets mad that I am mad...holy **** who would not find that annoying.

My dad and his lady friend are coming up for the weekend so I am trying to keep it together as I don't want them feeling tension in the house. Have a final exam next Friday that I am not close to being prepared for, H is getting on my nerves, etc. etc. 

I tend to be a wishy washy person when it comes to big decisions..I see this aspect of myself coming out in my marital issues. In the last 6 months when it looked like okay this was going to happen, he starts looking for a place, I start feeling panicky thinking maybe this is not the right decision. Then I try to tell myself that no I have to work on this marriage even though after the panic passes because well we will just continue to stay married, and I get comfortable again (unhappy but comfortable). 

Can anybody relate to any of this?


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

highwood said:


> Pros of staying married: it is comfortable (not in a good way but in a know what to expect way) , when think about seriously being on my own feel scared and anxious. Scared of what my family will think, my H is well liked so I could picture them thinking I am making a huge mistake.
> 
> Cons: not happy, have no romantic feelings for husband, no desire to work on marriage, feel depressed, unfocused, stressed. Am averaging about 4 hours of sleep per night. Feel like I am sinking into more of a deeper depression because I feel like crying about 50% of the time.
> 
> ...


What have you done to repair the relationship? Have you done counciling? How will divorce improve your quality of life?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

You are correct in asking those questions and I admit that I can be negative/snippy/angry, etc. at times. I know it is probably not pleasant for him. He tells me that I am intolerant of him which is true I tend to fly off the handle.


I feel like I am not happy with myself and am therefore taking it out on him. I have 30 lbs to lose but have not been focused enough to do it, thus my self esteem is low and then I think well if he was not in the picture maybe then I would be able to get my crap together.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I should add that sometimes I wonder if I want to make it so miserable for him that he leaves without me making the decision for myself.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

highwood said:


> I should add that sometimes I wonder if I want to make it so miserable for him that he leaves without me making the decision for myself.


 Firstly don't do this, it is not nice or fair. Secondly concentrate on doing healthy things, the numbers are stressing you out. Thirdly exercise can be a good bonding event.
If romance is missing, then each of you should plan a date night every other week. It takes hard work to make a marriage work, but worth it in the end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

It seems to me that you are not communicating well and that is both your fault. 

The fact that you are setting boundaries is a good thing. You should be strong for what you want and need out of the marriage, but I gather you are doing it perhaps indirectly and very emotionally by getting upset and angry at him. People can be stubborn and if you approach it like your scolding him he probably gets on the defensive. I know I can be like that even when I am wrong. 

On the flip perhaps you tried to set boundaries more reasonably and rationally and he disregarded that leading to your justified emotion in these matters. What is missing is you telling him directly about the extent that this is damaging the marriage. That leaving a mess for you over and over again makes you feel disrespected and harms your feelings toward him. You should not let your marriage get to where it is at without clearly communicating your feelings and where this is headed. He might think this is no threat to marriage at all.

All in all, your marriage is above average in potential to save, or as one that should be saved. We see a lot of people in a similar state of mind over their marriage that are also dealing with an unemployed spouse, abuse, mental illness, infidelity, and even drug abuse. Your marriage is full of "first world problems"... That does not invalidate your feelings but should give you some perspective.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well, I've thought for a while that you need to sh!t or get off the pot. You are not over his cheating, mostly because you guys are not really working on anything.

How old are you?

With the economy the way it is right now here, rental prices are going up but so are wages, so don't wait or it'll never happen. Start planning, at least in your mind, of what your life will look like in 5 years WITHOUT your husband, then pursue it. DO it.

I have a picture at my office that says Just DO it. I will now think of you every time I look at it


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> Well, I've thought for a while that you need to sh!t or get off the pot. You are not over his cheating, mostly because you guys are not really working on anything.


What cheating?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

ScrambledEggs said:


> What cheating?


You need to review all of her topics here for the full story, but here's one of her first posts here

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/38102-husbands-ea-long.html#post547647


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

HOpe I hear you! I always think about you when I am dwelling on this. Your words prior to me are always in the back of my mind.

I know I am staying for the wrong reasons but then when I actually think about it I feel all panicky! I guess I always thought if you want a divorce you would do it and just now that it was the right decision and you feel calm and peaceful about it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The way you feel when you think about it has more to do with the person you are than whether it's the right decision or not.

You REALLY need to get into some IC and look for some clarity here. Did I ever tell you about what my IC had me do that shone a light on things for me? The thing with climbing the cliff?


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> You need to review all of her topics here for the full story, but here's one of her first posts here
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/38102-husbands-ea-long.html#post547647


Thanks and that is a good point. That said, I don't feel obligated to research OP's other threads. It seems to be relevant but she must have omitted it for a reason.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

highwood said:


> Cons: not happy, have no romantic feelings for husband, no desire to work on marriage, feel depressed, unfocused, stressed. Am averaging about 4 hours of sleep per night. Feel like I am sinking into more of a deeper depression because I feel like crying about 50% of the time.


You only get one life!! What you wrote above is very, very important. Do you want to spend the rest of your life this way? I went through the nightmare of divorce with children for precisely the reasons you have described above. It was worth it. We're both happier now and get along well with respect to the children.

This being said, it sounds like you are in a depression. I would think you should see a doctor, perhaps get some medication, stabilize yourself, and THEN decide what to do.

I haven't read your other threads, so I don't know if you have children or not, which obviously complicates things.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

ScrambledEggs said:


> Thanks and that is a good point. That said, I don't feel obligated to research OP's other threads. It seems to be relevant but she must have omitted it for a reason.


Okee dokee then. 

Highwood, if you want help to find an IC or anything just let me know.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I ended a 45 year marriage 30 years later than I should have. Is that what you want? Wasted decades?

No one goes into divorce without some apprehension. Calm and peaceful? After the divorce, yes, but not during the process. I married at 21 and divorced at 66. I had never lived alone. But the thought of the unknown didn't stop me from moving on. My only regret is not doing it 30 years ago. 

Hope's right. Just. Do. It.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Thanks all, I reread your posts and they are really hitting home! H is due back from work on Wednesday and honestly once again I dread his arrival. He works two weeks on and two weeks off and those two weeks he is home all I can do is count down the days until he is gone again. We just don't enjoy spending time together simple as that. TO me it is beyond a huge warning sign that I do not miss him while he is away and the fact I start feeling anxious and down as the days get closer to him coming home.

Sometimes I think I have to do what is right for me regardless of what everyone else will think or thinks. I get the impression from my sister that she thinks I should stay with him because he is a "good guy". I am tired of worrying about what my family will think if we separate/divorce, etc. Staying out of comfort, staying becuase I don't want to "rock the boat". 

I have been so tempted to tell him when he comes back to look for another place. 

We are so disconnected from each other. I bought a new car recently and he was not involved at all...I often think that people must think it is strange that I am buying a vehicle but my husband is not involved, on one hand I was okay with it but then at times I think we are a married couple we should be doing stuff like that as a couple. To me it kind of shows you that we are leading separate lives already.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> The way you feel when you think about it has more to do with the person you are than whether it's the right decision or not.
> 
> You REALLY need to get into some IC and look for some clarity here. Did I ever tell you about what my IC had me do that shone a light on things for me? The thing with climbing the cliff?


HOpe you are correct it does have more to do with me than anything...I do tend to be "wishy washy" on big decisons. Even buying a car took me a couple of years to decide..should I do it or not...I would get closer to buying one and then chicken out

I tend to also worry about what others are going to think. I think though I would in this situation keep it secret from family for a while and then let them know in time...same with others in my life. I think it is good to kind of get used to your new situation first yourself and then let others know. I think I worry too about our son but heck he is a big boy (he is 24 still living at home) he will go off and have his own life one day) I am also sure many times when H is home he feels the tension between us.

I think I worry too about finances...my goal is to stay in the same house for as long as I can at least until my son moves out then downsize. If I have to I can easily pick up a part time weekend job for extra cash. We have been together for 25+ years so financially I think I will be okay. I might have to reamoratize the mortgage. Currently we owe about $100,000 on the house and it would be worth close to $400,000.00. We are also 50/50 in our business as H is self employed. H thinks that it would be jsut splitting everything 50/50 but I think he would have to pay me out more than what he thinks due to the length of our marriage as well as the income discrepancy. He has made at least double to triple a year what I make.


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