# Feeling Betrayed...role reversal



## 2hope (May 17, 2015)

Hi everyone, I'm a lurker but finally decided to post as I need some insight. 
Background: Dh (36-LD) and I (33-HD) have been married for 10 years of which majority of them were sexless. Dh had undiagnosed ED in the beginning of our marriage and refused to address it until about 4 years in and then complained about the meds. We've probably had sex maybe 75 times our whole marriage. Because of this I don't really have any fond memories, just a lot of pain. There were other things going wrong with our marriage, but like many others I just kept hoping things would get better, etc. 

Current: I got pregnant (we both wanted children). He decided it was too weird to have sex with a pregnant woman, so he didn't have sex with me at all. After giving birth, with a 4th degree tear, exclusively breastfeeding, and being the sole person getting up in the middle of the night (every 2hrs, he gets to sleep how ever he pleases), my sex drive went into park. He became a jerk about it. All of a sudden he now has needs and is feeling neglected and whatnot. He wanted his boobs back and he wanted to have sex. At 4 months, we had sex, but it wasn't good because of dryness and pain and I wasn't able to orgasm. Outside of a few BJs we haven't had sex, in my research and what I told him is that this is just temporary. I can still have sex but it's not going to be the same, probably not until I stop breastfeeding. The other night Dh and I were talking and he was feeling very sexually frustrated. I apologized for not being in the mood and offered to have sex, but he was saying it's no purpose and he might as well just get a blow up doll, because I am going to be faking it and not orgasm. Then said " If this is what it's going to be like, I am not having another child." I felt betrayed. It's like, it's okay for him to deny me all these years, even not have sex with me when I am pregnant, because He didn't want to, but now that I need the same courtesy, I'm the terrible one. I mean I've done everything to stay in this marriage, and the one thing that has brought me joy is my child and the thought of having more children. Of course in the morning he apologized, but this wasn't his first time blowing up at me. Last time he said in frustration and of course later apologized that "maybe he needed to seek sex elsewhere". I just feel so angry and hurt. 

I wanted some thoughts from y'all as when I post this in a mom group I belong to, they were all like "sex is important, and get over it and just do it " I don't think they could fathom the sheer heartbreak that is being in a sexless marriage. But I don't know maybe I am in the wrong.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

2hope said:


> Hi everyone, I'm a lurker but finally decided to post as I need some insight.
> Background: Dh (36-LD) and I (33-HD) have been married for 10 years of which majority of them were sexless. Dh had undiagnosed ED in the beginning of our marriage and refused to address it until about 4 years in and then complained about the meds. We've probably had sex maybe 75 times our whole marriage. Because of this I don't really have any fond memories, just a lot of pain. There were other things going wrong with our marriage, but like many others I just kept hoping things would get better, etc.
> 
> Current: I got pregnant (we both wanted children). He decided it was too weird to have sex with a pregnant woman, so he didn't have sex with me at all. After giving birth, with a 4th degree tear, exclusively breastfeeding, and being the sole person getting up in the middle of the night (every 2hrs, he gets to sleep how ever he pleases), my sex drive went into park. He became a jerk about it. All of a sudden he now has needs and is feeling neglected and whatnot. He wanted his boobs back and he wanted to have sex. At 4 months, we had sex, but it wasn't good because of dryness and pain and I wasn't able to orgasm. Outside of a few BJs we haven't had sex, in my research and what I told him is that this is just temporary. I can still have sex but it's not going to be the same, probably not until I stop breastfeeding. The other night Dh and I were talking and he was feeling very sexually frustrated. I apologized for not being in the mood and offered to have sex, but he was saying it's no purpose and he might as well just get a blow up doll, because I am going to be faking it and not orgasm. Then said " If this is what it's going to be like, I am not having another child." I felt betrayed. It's like, it's okay for him to deny me all these years, even not have sex with me when I am pregnant, because He didn't want to, but now that I need the same courtesy, I'm the terrible one. I mean I've done everything to stay in this marriage, and the one thing that has brought me joy is my child and the thought of having more children. Of course in the morning he apologized, but this wasn't his first time blowing up at me. Last time he said in frustration and of course later apologized that "maybe he needed to seek sex elsewhere". I just feel so angry and hurt.
> ...


At this point I don't get why you would want sex with him.

It's interesting that your husband is taking this oppositional stance. 

He did not want sex when you wanted it. Now that your libido is down, he wants sex. It sounds to me like give goal is still the same.. to antagonize and hurt you. 

Write him a letter that includes what you told us here. Be blunt. Then tell him that with his new, mean attitude you have had it. Either the two of you go to counseling with the MC/sex-therapist or you to divorcing him. 

Seriously, why would you allow anyone to treat you like this?


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

2hope said:


> I wanted some thoughts from y'all as when I post this in a mom group I belong to, they were all like "sex is important, and get over it and just do it " I don't think they could fathom the sheer heartbreak that is being in a sexless marriage. But I don't know maybe I am in the wrong.


Maybe he's sharing notes with male colleagues. Quite a few of the guys I know just lost access to sex after the kids came along. I think it's a legitimate fear for a guy....

Your mommie friends are right. Sex IS important. Otherwise you're just roommates.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

brownmale said:


> Maybe he's sharing notes with male colleagues. Quite a few of the guys I know just lost access to sex after the kids came along. I think it's a legitimate fear for a guy....
> 
> Your mommie friends are right. Sex IS important. Otherwise you're just roommates.


I see that you completely ignore that he did not feel that sex was important for years and years before this.


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## 2hope (May 17, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> At this point I don't get why you would want sex with him.
> Seriously, why would you allow anyone to treat you like this?


EleGirl, reading your response, really got me thinking of the "why?" Like really...WHY? I love him, but I don't need to be a martyr and I'm not happy. I'm being complacent. I keep hoping for this ideal loving marriage, and while I do believe he loves me, he may not be capable of loving me the way I need it. I am really thinking about doing a trial separation as we have had honest talks, I've written letters before. I've done the here's what's wrong, here's my thoughts, how you can improve stuff. I'm very open and blunt. I know he won't go to counseling as I have asked before.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your situation.

Like it was mentioned, it seems like the issue is not the sex...its something else and your husband seems to be using the sex to 'hurt' you in some way.

While I feel that sex is important in a marriage, it must be used to bond to each other and have fun.

Your husband sounds very selfish and not very focused on you at all.

Hope it works out for you. Good luck.


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

Not to make excuses, maybe he is realizing much you both missed out on in those earlier years. Or maybe he's just looking for any reason to be mean.

I agree with the others that say you need to insist on better treatment from him. You attempted sex, were willing to attempt it again, gave him oral, and he's still being mean to you.

The fact that he isn't sharing in nighttime duties means three things offhand. The first is that unless his work duties are life and death, he's simply not doing his job as a parent. The second is that he's not making an effort to reduce your stress, which could possibly make you more open to sex. Third, there's no excuse for him being an a$$; he's getting enough sleep so he should be perfectly pleasant!

Has he, in all your time together, shown any empathy or concern for you about anything?


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

2hope said:


> At 4 months, we had sex, but it wasn't good because of dryness and pain and I wasn't able to orgasm. Outside of a few BJs we haven't had sex, in my research and what I told him is that this is just temporary. I can still have sex but it's not going to be the same, probably not until I stop breastfeeding. The other night Dh and I were talking and he was feeling very sexually frustrated. I apologized for not being in the mood and offered to have sex, but he was saying it's no purpose and he might as well just get a blow up doll, because I am going to be faking it and not orgasm. Then said " If this is what it's going to be like, I am not having another child." I felt betrayed. It's like, it's okay for him to deny me all these years, even not have sex with me when I am pregnant, because He didn't want to, but now that I need the same courtesy, I'm the terrible one. I mean I've done everything to stay in this marriage, and the one thing that has brought me joy is my child and the thought of having more children. Of course in the morning he apologized, but this wasn't his first time blowing up at me. Last time he said in frustration and of course later apologized that "maybe he needed to seek sex elsewhere". I just feel so angry and hurt.


And we wonder why men do not express their feelings

I totally get your frustration. The no sex during pregnancy thing is also a strange (common enough though) thing that could bear some counseling work. 

I see nothing invalid with what he expressed. The level of frequency you guys had before pregnancy is foreign to me but totally normal for many couples where the women is low drive. Now you two are what, a year into no sex? Pregnancy where he didn't want it and 4+ months where you didn't? That is basically zero for more than a year. It is not cool to see zero as ok against the previous years of low activity. Having said that, your zero drive is understandable as well and he needs to be able to be understanding for a while longer. 

You are at a crossroads here. If you stay together one possible course of action you need to know about is this. Yes, maybe your libido ticks up off zero after the breast feeding stops. Hell, it will probably tick up long enough to get pregnant again! Kids get somewhat easier to manage for a little while. Then they become much more needy for a few years and the mom who's kids "mean everything to her" can pretty much ignore the spouse for quite a while. Your husbands "if this is what it will be like" thought is 100% valid and needs to be talked about, not ignored. 

Or split up, you are in the middle of the suckiest period for the relationship. Can't handle it, quit.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

The first thing that occurred to me is that he is possibly jealous of the baby. This happens, unfortunately. All, or most, of your attention is no longer geared towards him, so he's feeling insecure and needy. And because you (were) the HD partner prior to this, this is the tact he's taking. All of a sudden, you're not interested in him in that way, and he's no longer the priority.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Parenthood is just a gigantic adjustment on both sides. Leave open the possibility that it isn't what either of your exactly expected and try to work things out .


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

2hope said:


> EleGirl, reading your response, really got me thinking of the "why?" Like really...WHY? I love him, but I don't need to be a martyr and I'm not happy. I'm being complacent. I keep hoping for this ideal loving marriage, and while I do believe he loves me, he may not be capable of loving me the way I need it. I am really thinking about doing a trial separation as we have had honest talks, I've written letters before. I've done the here's what's wrong, here's my thoughts, how you can improve stuff. I'm very open and blunt. I know he won't go to counseling as I have asked before.


I would ask for counseling one more time and if he says no, then bring up separation. It's not okay for him to treat you this way. It almost sounds like a control issue. He controlled when sex happened before, as the LD spouse, and now that you are the one with a lower drive, he has lost that control and is throwing a fit. It all sounds very immature. 

I know quite a few women who lost their sex drive with breastfeeding and it came back as they nursed less and less often as solids are introduced. I never experienced that with breastfeeding, but it's very common.


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## 2hope (May 17, 2015)

anonmd said:


> Or split up, you are in the middle of the suckiest period for the relationship. Can't handle it, quit.


Yes Anonmd, I've gotten through 10 years of a sex-deprived marriage with rainbows and unicorns. You are assuming that this is the worst period of my marriage, it isn't. I'm just getting tired of the perpetual suckiness 

Exiled- He does show care and concern. It is difficult when he is either a part of the equation or hasn't experienced it before. It takes him a while to empathize. For example when I was explaining how exhausting taking care of a newborn was, he was dismissive until he watched the baby for a few hours. Then he was like "Oh I get it!" and apologized for being a jerk. 

Anonymous7- I think will ask him again, but with the ultimatum of separation or divorce.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

You have a multiple whammy here. Struggling with sex (and i don't think that is very uncommon), the stresses of a young child, and ten years into your marriage....marriages go through ups and downs and I reckon the ten year mark is around one of the downs.

Others have raised divorce. Is that what you want?

My suggestion (and I know it isn't simple) is to keep talking. Honestly. Openly.

I would not threaten divorce unless you are seriously looking to go there, but I would be very open - in as gentle a way as possible, and maybe with a counsellor to act as mediator - about your issues.

Resentment that is not dealt with can hang around and re-emerge years later. And remember, you have your point of view, which of course seems right to you. He has his as well, which seems equally right to him. And probably his own resentments. And I think most likely that both of you have some valid points.

What matters now is to find common ground.


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

2hope said:


> Yes Anonmd, I've gotten through 10 years of a sex-deprived marriage with rainbows and unicorns. You are assuming that this is the worst period of my marriage, it isn't. I'm just getting tired of the perpetual suckiness
> 
> Exiled- He does show care and concern. It is difficult when he is either a part of the equation or hasn't experienced it before. It takes him a while to empathize. For example when I was explaining how exhausting taking care of a newborn was, he was dismissive until he watched the baby for a few hours. Then he was like "Oh I get it!" and apologized for being a jerk.
> 
> Anonymous7- I think will ask him again, but with the ultimatum of separation or divorce.


I definitely think you should give the ultimatum. Just be prepared in advance that he may choose separation over MC.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I read something different.

DH - "When I can have it, I don't want it. Tell me I can't have it, and I want it more."

No idea what that means, but it's what I read.


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> I read something different.
> 
> DH - "When I can have it, I don't want it. Tell me I can't have it, and I want it more."
> 
> No idea what that means, but it's what I read.


I think you're right.

I still think the guy is forgetting that the OP brought their baby into the world a short time ago and he needs to try to show her some good will.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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