# Still Coping with the Public Embarrassment



## Mindy123 (Nov 30, 2014)

So my husband and I had a situation a few years back; an old coworker had sent him some inappropriate pictures and he saved them on his computer. He realized they were wrong and deleted them, and told her to stop contacting him. A few years later I found the messages and the pictures in his trash. 

I could tell from the messages it was very one-sided, and nothing that suggested he was trying to cheat on me. He was just young and dumb (22 at the time) and didn't know how to handle it. He said the only reason why he saved the pictures and talked to her was because he liked the attention, which after some marriage counseling I understood.

It's been a few years now and everything has been great between us, but we did temporarily separate when I found the pictures and everyone found out what happened. Friends,family, even my old coworkers. We were kind of the "it" couple and I felt that everyone looked up to us. I don't feel that way anymore.

I worry that people think badly of us, or more so me for staying with him. I'm worried people think he did cheat on me and I'm just playing dumb. I suffer from depression, and when I'm having a bad episode (like I am now) all these feelings come out and I just fall apart. I try very hard to be "perfect", but I feel like because of our issues a few years back I'll never have a marriage that I'm proud of.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Mindy123 said:


> I worry that people think badly of us, or more so me for staying with him.


The real question is not whether "people" think badly of you. The real question is: do _you_ think badly of you ?



Mindy123 said:


> I feel like because of our issues a few years back I'll never have a marriage that I'm proud of.


Depression is centered in loss of hope. Firstly, not even God can change the past. If I want to be "theologically correct" then
I would have to say that He can change the past, but it is not known nor recorded that He ever has. In the best theology I can
come up with, I think God doesn't change the past because He knows it's irrelevant.

What would it require for you, in terms of what can be done today, and what can be done tomorrow, to make your marriage one
that you and your husband can be proud of?


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

**** em and **** what people think. Be less concerned with "perfection" and what others may think about your situation. Are you both ok in this moment? Then good. 

Pedestals are only made by people who give them power. What do you lose if you're not the "it" couple? Why does it matter? 

If you are not proud of your marriage personally, that is another issue and you can think of actionable goals to get you closer to where you want to be. Trust that in 5, 10, 15 years, if everything's good, the only way you'll carry the albatross is if you refuse to remove it from around your neck.


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## Mindy123 (Nov 30, 2014)

TJW said:


> The real question is not whether "people" think badly of you. The real question is: do _you_ think badly of you ?
> 
> Depression is centered in loss of hope. Firstly, not even God can change the past. If I want to be "theologically correct" then
> I would have to say that He can change the past, but it is not known nor recorded that He ever has. In the best theology I can
> ...


I feel badly about myself for letting my marriage get to such a low point, but not for being with him, or at least who he is today. He is a wonderful person and since we have gotten older and more mature, a wonderful husband. 

I still have people tell me we are wonderful together, but it's almost like I don't believe them. I guess I just want to get to a point where I don't need anyone's approval about my marriage or anything else-wise.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Wait.......can I ask how the other found out about the pictures? 
As you noted he did not ask for the pictures, he did pursue her, the worse crime he kept the pictures for a bit but what I don't get is how did everyone find out?


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## Mindy123 (Nov 30, 2014)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Wait.......can I ask how the other found out about the pictures?
> As you noted he did not ask for the pictures, he did pursue her, the worse crime he kept the pictures for a bit but what I don't get is how did everyone find out?


Well I kicked him out of the house for about a month, because I wasn't sure if I believed him that nothing else had happened. In that time, he told everyone. He even made a Facebook post about how he is a liar and ruined his marriage. So of course people asked what the hell was going on.


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## Mindy123 (Nov 30, 2014)

It wasn't just keeping the pictures. It was the constant lying to me too. I told him to stop talking her, he said he did. I told him I didn't believe him and thought he was hiding things. He gaslighted me for a year before I found them in the trash folder. 

I forgive him now because he has been nothing but honest to me since then.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Did he have feelings for her? Was he in a emotional affair with her....if that was the case then it wasn't one sided.


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## Mindy123 (Nov 30, 2014)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Did he have feelings for her? Was he in a emotional affair with her....if that was the case then it wasn't one sided.


He swears he didn't, which I believe from the content of the messages. She would say things like "I wish you weren't married" randomly and he would reply back "Well I am and I want to be" or she would compliment him and he would just say "thanks" back. 

I also don't feel like what happened is the issue here. We dealt with it and are great now, we were just dumb kids and handled it poorly. My problem is others perceptions of us because of it, and I prefer to keep that the topic on conversation.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The difference between you and all those other people is that your husband put everything on Facebook. It seems that your friends are been smart enough to not post their problems on Facebook. Most of them probably have had issues of one sort or another, they are just private about it.


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## Mindy123 (Nov 30, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> The difference between you and all those other people is that your husband put everything on Facebook. It seems that your friends are been smart enough to not post their problems on Facebook. Most of them probably have had issues of one sort or another, they are just private about it.


Some of them are public about their problems, and some of them don't. I'd obviously preferred not to, but he said he needed to talk to people and so did I. Although he didn't put the actual issue at hand for everyone to see, it was enough for people to privately message him and talk about what happened. We have a large number of friends, so its jut embarrassing. A lot of people that did come to me after talking to him told me their stories, most dealing with real infidelity. 

People have been very supportive, and no one has told me to leave him. I think its just my need to be "perfect" and I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me or my marriage.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> The difference between you and all those other people is that your husband put everything on Facebook. It seems that your friends are been smart enough to not post their problems on Facebook. Most of them probably have had issues of one sort or another, they are just private about it.


Ele makes an excellent point here. Anybody you fear judging you has their own skeletons in their closets, so they're really in no position to judge you.

It sounds like you are now in a good place. The best way to forestall judgment is to know you're where you want to be,stand tall, walk proud, and carry yourself with dignity and grace.

The mindset you project will dictate the responses you receive.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Obviously, you can't change anyone's thinking about what your husband put out there -- but what they think about your marriage doesn't matter in the least. If the two of you are happy that's what you need to focus on. Not worrying about being perfect in the eyes of others. Not worrying about whether people feel sorry for you. All of that's out of your control. Let it go.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Mindy123 said:


> I think its just my need to be "perfect" and I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me or my marriage.


Most of your problem Mindy is you're grossly over estimating how many people actually give a crap about you and your problems. Its what happens when you think of yourself and your marriage as a model of perfection worthy of impressing half the population. Its not and never will be so your setting a goal, in this respect, that is unattainable and will lead to certain disappointment, as you are experiencing. A good first step is to take the 90% of the "large number of friends" and realize they don't care if you and your husband stay together, get divorced, or move a thousand miles away, never to see them again.
The purpose of your marriage, and ultimate happiness, is not a tool to impress others and only worth something when it does. You're putting yourself out there like an object at an auction where your value is determined by what the bidders think. Stop doing this shyt to yourself.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

Mindy,
Maybe this comes with getting older, but I will say that I have far more respect/admiration for couples who have struggled together to create something amazing than I do for couples who have sailed along, living a perfect life with little apparent effort. Even if I agree with @EleGirl , that those "perfect" couples are probably just not being as open/public about their failures. 

I suspect that your husband's FB posts were a type of penance for him, and a way of demonstrating to you how sorry he was. Whilst that may be a little too open for some, humbling oneself in public is one mechanism for demonstrating true remorse. And if the life you and he have shared since then builds strongly on from that, then who is anyone else to look down on your marriage for any reason? And I guess I'm including you in that question as well.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I’ve found out in the last week that more people than I thought knew about my husbands affair have figured it out. 

There are very few people I’ve told. I’m ok with them knowing. I’m not ok with the ones that figured it out on their own. I find it humiliating that people were not even close to have figured out my husband had an affair. I didn’t expose for a reason. I hate the sympathy messages, I don’t like being blindsided getting a message from yet another person about it. I’m struggling with what people think when we too were always known as a great couple.


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## Mindy123 (Nov 30, 2014)

Mizzbak said:


> Mindy,
> Maybe this comes with getting older, but I will say that I have far more respect/admiration for couples who have struggled together to create something amazing than I do for couples who have sailed along, living a perfect life with little apparent effort. Even if I agree with @EleGirl , that those "perfect" couples are probably just not being as open/public about their failures.
> 
> I suspect that your husband's FB posts were a type of penance for him, and a way of demonstrating to you how sorry he was. Whilst that may be a little too open for some, humbling oneself in public is one mechanism for demonstrating true remorse. And if the life you and he have shared since then builds strongly on from that, then who is anyone else to look down on your marriage for any reason? And I guess I'm including you in that question as well.


Thank you, the older I get I feel like I'm starting to see that too. I know I should be grateful that it wasn't an affair and I'm grateful for how much we have changed in the last 3 years, I guess I just want everyone to only see that.


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## veganmermaid (Jun 17, 2016)

Mindy, 

I’m a reforming people-pleaser who used to be very focused on how others perceived me. I’m in therapy, but in addition to that, I recently read a book that I think would benefit you. It’s called “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F—.” I also think you may benefit from listening to Brene Brown’s Ted talks and reading her work. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. He is the idiot. One question you said he deleted the photos and you found it in the trash years later? You mean he didn't delete his trash for years? Did he tell you it's been in his trash for years?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

One thing I've learned in my 52 years is that people are too busy in their own lives to give more than a passing thought to other people's problems and issues. Not even a FRACTION of what we think they must be thinking about us. They're just too busy dealing with their own stuff. It really doesn't matter to most people what your husband did all those years ago; most have probably forgotten all about it. 

In other words, you are the only one dwelling on this "lack of perfection" and worry over others' perceptions of you when it's not even crossing their minds. You have magnified this way out of proportion in your own mind.

I would suggest some individual counseling for yourself to help you learn why you are so worried what others think of you. Change your thinking through cognitive behavioral therapy; reframe it, put it in the past where it belongs, and move on.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

You've got to do what is best for you and your marriage. It may be embarrassing but what's the alternative? Divorce? 
Do what is best for you, those other people shouldn't worry about what goes on between your husband and you.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

Also, take a step back and consider how much you think about other couple's situations. Be honest. Like turn it around and figure how much and for how long you'd continue to think about it if it happened to someone in your friend group or would it fade into the ether like everything else. It's taken a long time but realizing, even if I'm nosier than most, that as concerned as I am or have to be with my own situation I rarely have time to actively think about other people's unless I'm talking with them, they're still in the thick of it, or giving them assistance and the like. 

When you're thinking about what to have for dinner does the honeymoon picture of an acquaintance from 4 years ago pop into your mind? How about their loss of a family member? Their kid's first birthday picture? That time you found out they got ****-faced and tripped down a flight of stairs? 

Your tragic moment was one amongst many and while it stays at the forefront of your mind, lord knows I know the feeling, other people have their own **** to deal with.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Smart people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, stupid people talk about other people. 

Who cares what others think? How does it really affect you?


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Do people run to marriage counselors for every little bump in their marriage these days. I am married 45 years and solved our own problems. It sometimes seems that couples need an outside party to tell them how to be married. I just find it interesting with this generation. As for the public embarrassment, who the heck told all those people in the first place, you! You only have yourself to blame and you seem to want to talk to everyone about your marriage whenever things do not go smoothly. My PC is full of porn and emails from old girlfriend and my wife does not care at all because she trusts me. Trust, try it sometime. It is free and comes with the whole marriage package.

You should be embarrassed since you are the one who told everyone who would listen. Try keeping your dirty laundry to yourself. First off I cannot believe your separated over something like you described. You would not last long as my wife. Then instead of keeping the reasons secret, you thought that not only should a marriage counselor know but family and friends too. You do not have to tell anyone why you separated other than say it is just an issue we are working through. If I had to bet, I do not see a happy marriage in front of you as there will be far more serious problems you will face in your marriage. It has only just begun.


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## Mindy123 (Nov 30, 2014)

Thanks everyone for your help and advice. I'll start practicing not caring what people think by not caring what this guy thinks.


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