# need relationship advice



## bryan 67 (Jan 1, 2016)

me and my gf of 7 yrs and 2 kids are havimg problems with our sex life it keepsgetting worse she tells me no a lot and she says she dont like sex with me i get mad at her and yell at her caz i get upset shes not affection anymore i dont know what to do


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Sorry you are here.

How long has it been this way?

How often do you initiate?

Is there any reason y'all are not married yet?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## bryan 67 (Jan 1, 2016)

i want to get married it just hasnt happen yet and i ask for it like once twice a week she said thats not normal its been this way for awhile worse after 2 kid when we have time alone and the kids are sleeping she wont do anything with or make time for us am i wrong for feeling this way


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Getting mad and yelling at her is not going to get you more sex. How about listening to her and trying to understand why she is upset?


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## bryan 67 (Jan 1, 2016)

i try to but she dont likw to talk about sex in our relationship i think thats weird in the begimg it was great now just the oppasite am i wrong for wanting sex once or twice a week? i feel lonely now like she is shutting me out


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

bryan 67 said:


> i want to get married it just hasnt happen yet and i ask for it like once twice a week she said thats not normal its been this way for awhile worse after 2 kid when we have time alone and the kids are sleeping she wont do anything with or make time for us am i wrong for feeling this way


You have to earn her trust. Listening to her and trying to meet her needs would be a good start.

Do you know what her needs are? Have you ever asked her?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

bryan 67 said:


> i try to but she dont likw to talk about sex in our relationship i think thats weird in the begimg it was great now just the oppasite am i wrong for wanting sex once or twice a week? i feel lonely now like she is shutting me out


I think that is a normal amount. But women have to feel good with a man to want to have sex with him. What do you do to make her feel good with you? Do you know what makes her feel good with you?


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## bryan 67 (Jan 1, 2016)

not asking for sex only on her terms she hard cax she dont try a lot when it comes to sex and dosnt give me a chance to make it good i just want a good sex life and a happy relationship it just feels like she is shutting me out i tell her she looks great and i love her and after two kids how good she looks its hard to find time with two kids but i try to make time for us but she dont like that i just dont understand. i know the yelling at her for no sex dosnt help any it just builds up and she dont get that


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

bryan 67 said:


> not asking for sex only on her terms she hard cax she dont try a lot when it comes to sex and dosnt give me a chance to make it good i just want a good sex life and a happy relationship it just feels like she is shutting me out *i tell her she looks great and i love her and after two kids how good she looks*


It is really nice you do that. But it might not be what she needs to feel good with you.

Does she need for you to take care of the kids on your own for a few hours so she gets time to do things she wants to do, all by herself?

It can be pretty draining on a mom to have little kids around all the time.


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## bryan 67 (Jan 1, 2016)

i could help out more and she wants that am just afraid she will still blow me off i love her a lot i dont want to lose her i dont want to feel like roomates either are you married and ever had this prob?if so how did you fix it


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

bryan 67 said:


> i could help out more and she wants that am just afraid she will still blow me off i love her a lot i dont want to lose her i dont want to feel like roomates either are you married and ever had this prob?if so how did you fix it


No. Dug and I have been married 21 years, with 5 kids, but we have never had problems regarding sex. I think it is because Dug is very loving and caring with me. It makes me want to be close to him.

If he were yelling at me and getting mad at me, we not only would not be having sex, we would not even be married. I would not accept to be treated that way.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

Also, periods.. you gotta consider periods at some point. Just saying.....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bryan 67 said:


> me and my gf of 7 yrs and 2 kids are havimg problems with our sex life it keepsgetting worse she tells me no a lot *and she says she dont like sex with me* i get mad at her and yell at her caz i get upset shes not affection anymore i dont know what to do


She doesn't want sex with you, like you said, there?

Or she doesn't like the idea of sex with anyone?

Because if the former, that might be a problem.

You both need therapy. Maybe your wife has a physical problem that makes sex horrible for her?

Also, with two kids to look after it's too easy for the primary caregiver to get so frazzled that sex is not on the cards for them.

Do you help around at home? Could that be an issue?

BTW, do you think you need anger management assistance?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

JukeboxHero said:


> Also, periods.. you gotta consider periods at some point. Just saying.....


And someone I knew went through the menopause when she was only 25. Blew her marriage to bits, as her doctors only identified the problem several years after her divorce.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> And someone I knew went through the menopause when she was only 25. Blew her marriage to bits, as her doctors only identified the problem several years after her divorce.


I think he meant that Bryan needs to put periods at the end of his sentences. Run-on sentences can be hard to read.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jld said:


> I think he meant that Bryan needs to put periods at the end of his sentences. Run-on sentences can be hard to read.


:surprise:

Oh.

Or full stops. As we call periods!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> :surprise:
> 
> Oh.
> 
> Or full stops. As we call periods!


I did not get it at first, either. I think we just get used to reading posts however they are made here.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Bryan, the following is from a poster here named @RoseAglow, a fabulous gal who gives great advice. It is based on what she learned from the book _His Needs, Her Needs_, by Willard Harley. I want to repost it here because I think it might be helpful to you:

_Try, the main message of HNHN is that women and men have different needs, and it is not instinctive for either gender to care that much about the things that are important to the other. It was a surprise to Harley when he found that on average, the top emotional needs of men were listed in the opposite order of the top emotional needs for women. He didn't expect it, and this finding is one of the foundations of his program. Everything starts to make sense once that fundamental issue is understood. It is not common knowledge outside of certain circles like marriage counsellors, and maybe marriage boards.

On your own, you wouldn't care that much about intimate conversation; having it didn't make you feel loved in the way that it made your wife feel loved. It didn't make things better for you, so how would you know that it would generate deep feelings of love in your wife, to the same extent that you feel love for your wife after sex? You wouldn't know, of course.

But once you both began to meet each other's emotional needs, things improved for both of you, yes? That's what we are talking about on this thread. *If it's important to your wife, you need to treat it as something that is important, even if it's not important to you. When you prioritize meeting her needs, even if her needs do nothing for you, you create love in her heart for you. You make her fall for you.* Women need to do the same thing, for their guys, too. 

The problem is that many people do not know about emotional needs. They think that since something is not important to them, then it's not important at all. 

The wives on this thread aren't leaving because their *husbands* don't feel loved. They are leaving because their needs have not been met. The wives are out of love, they are done. 

It would be as if your wife said to you (not you specifically, general you), "I need us to talk more", but because talking has no positive effect on you, you decided that it wasn't really that important to talk with her. It would be as if you just blew her off and insisted that really all she needed to do was have more sex, because that was your truth, based on your experience. To you, talking was just her missing the point and maybe even her attempt to get out of sex. To her, you're not showing care for her and just want her for sex. Both parties get resentful, no ones needs are getting met.

HNHN describes this situation. It is common. You see it often on TAM. It's easy to see how it happens. It still kills marriages. 

*There are also plenty of spouses who bend over backwards to meet needs, to try to get sex, but no matter what their spouse is not interested in having sex. Sometimes the spouse isn't hitting the top needs of his/her partner, but sometimes the partner just doesn't realize the importance of sex. It might be enjoyable but it doesn't have the same effect on her as it does to him. She doesn't experience it, so she won't know unless she learns it somewhere. She doesn't prioritize her husband's needs.* I am speaking as if the woman is denying sex, but men can also be the deniers. This also kills marriages. 

So to me, it's not really an issue of something looking good on paper. I believe that the emotional needs/love bank theory is actually true. I believe it can and does change marriages, when it's understood and implemented. 

If course, not all marriages can be saved. There is nothing Happy could do, for instance, if her ex-husband is gay. There are also many people who are just too selfish, or mentally ill, or addicted, etc to have the ability to meet their partner's emotional needs.

But many marriages can be helped. It helped mine, it sounds like it helped yours, and it's helped many, many others. 

*But at the heart of it is: to create happy marriages, spouses are going to have to agree to prioritize things that don't mean that much to them in order to meet their partner's emotional needs. Bad things happen when a spouse belittles, demeans, or ignores something that is important to the other spouse.*_


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

I am very pleased to say that Jld offers good advice here.

Sometimes people are not clear in saying what they want. If she does not want sex with you it is because it is not the sex she wants. If you can find out or work out what she likes and wants. I imagine you would rather she found sex with you appealing and satisfying, so try to be attentive and identify exactly what you want and try to understand exactly what she wants.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Both of you need to set down and read His Needs, Her Needs.

Do that for a start.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

bryan 67 said:


> i could help out more and she wants that am just afraid she will still blow me off i love her a lot i dont want to lose her i dont want to feel like roomates either are you married and ever had this prob?if so how did you fix it


Ya I'm married.
Ya had the same problem.
And ya we fixed it when my wife stopped sleeping with other men behind my back.

Now that she stopped sleeping with other men we are having sex just like we use too.

Actually I have to add....the sex is a bit different once I realized what she wanted.

The point here is you both need to face this and address this issue so both needs can be met in this relationship.

Until she address this issue about the sex, you only have 2 choices.


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## bryan 67 (Jan 1, 2016)

she said that she doesnt want it from me anymore because i yell and scream at her everytime she doesnt give it to me. we used to have a good sex life but not anymore. this has been going on for almost 4 years now. i tell her that i have to yell at her because she needs to understand where im coming from. she said its making her hate sex with me and thats why she never wants it because shes afraid if she turns me down ill start screaming and yelling, which i do.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

*Re: question about me and my gf*

Getting angry won't fix it. Then again, unless you know why the sex stopped, there's probably nothing that will fix it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My suggestion is that you get the following books, read them together and do the work that they suggest:

"Love Busters"

"His Needs, Her Needs" 


Both were written by Dr. Harley. Read them in the order I listed them.


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

bryan 67 said:


> she said that she doesnt want it from me anymore because i yell and scream at her everytime she doesnt give it to me. we used to have a good sex life but not anymore. this has been going on for almost 4 years now. i tell her that i have to yell at her because she needs to understand where im coming from. she said its making her hate sex with me and thats why she never wants it because shes afraid if she turns me down ill start screaming and yelling, which i do.


Yelling wont help the situation, my friend. She will start to see you as another kid that is throwing a temper tantrum when he doesn't get something he wants. Are you affectionate with her at times when you aren't trying to get sex? Like a hug where you don't grab her a$$? 

You don't need to yell to get your point across, you just need to mean what you say so that you don't have to repeat it. Sometimes women can start to feel like sex is an obligation or another chore that has to be done. But you can change this! If you are meeting her needs, she will be more than happy to meet yours, she will _want_ to make you happy in the sack.


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

bryan 67 said:


> i could help out more and she wants that am just afraid she will still blow me off i love her a lot i dont want to lose her i dont want to feel like roomates either are you married and ever had this prob?if so how did you fix it


I think if you work on making the relationship better, the sex will follow. It's hard to do with work and young kids but there's lots of little things you can do to let her know she's important to you. Helping more around the house and with the kids are huge but you could also do things to connect more just with her. Ask about her day, hold her hand for no reason, arrange for gma to watch the kids for the day and surprise her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bryan 67 said:


> she said that she doesnt want it from me anymore because i yell and scream at her everytime she doesnt give it to me. we used to have a good sex life but not anymore. this has been going on for almost 4 years now. i tell her that i have to yell at her because she needs to understand where im coming from. she said its making her hate sex with me and thats why she never wants it because shes afraid if she turns me down ill start screaming and yelling, which i do.


Yelling will not make her hear you. It will make her stop listening to you and just want to get away from you and not want you to touch her. 

You and she need to work on improving your relationship. Please get the books that I suggested above.

Apologize to her for yelling, screaming and getting angry. Tell her that it is your frustration speaking.... that you do not know how to express, in a way that she will understand, your need to feel physically close to her. Tell her that you want to work with her to fix the relationship.

.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Geeze.....yelling and screaming for sex is just like begging and crying for sex.

You will have a better chance of getting laid by having the confidence of letting her go and moving on then pouting like a child. It's time to raise your attraction level by showing some understanding , letting her go to find a guy who likes less sex then she does and wish her the best.

Until she finds that she has to chase after you to keep you....you will be rubbing one out in the shower for the rest of this relationship. Stop laying at her feet waiting to be petted.

Chicks like confident guys and your bull shyt yelling is just lowering your attraction level by the second. 

Again chicks like confident guys and from were I'm sitting you act like you will never get laid again and your chick thinks the same so she behaves this way knowing you aren't going anywhere!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

the guy said:


> Geeze.....yelling and screaming for sex is just like begging and crying for sex.
> 
> You will have a better chance of getting laid by having the confidence of letting her go and moving on then pouting like a child. It's time to raise your attraction level by showing some understanding , letting her go to find a guy who likes less sex then she does and wish her the best.
> 
> ...


Telling her she can leave if she does not have sex with him is not going to help him build a good relationship with her, nor with any other woman. 

He needs to start meeting her needs. That will make her _want_ to have sex with him.

You need to stop yelling and getting mad, Bryan. Behaving that way will not get you what you want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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