# I think I'm falling in love with my partner's friend



## blueathena (May 17, 2011)

Ok, here we go. I haven't told this to anyone so at least to put it in a forum would be beneficial. 
I have known my partner for around 10 years although we have been together for only two, and living together for 1 year only. Shortly after we moved in together I found out he cheated on me with three different girls and although it was before we said "I love you" it really hurt me. He never told me and I found out through a friend. My partner told me he was scare of loosing me and that is why he never told me the true. I have managed to forgive and re-built the trust. Although things have never been the same I have learnt to love him in a different way. 
Around a month ago he introduced me to one of his friends and I think we both felt attracted to each other. I definitely did! Nothing has happened between us but every time I see him (which is regularly) I feel more and more drawn to him. He is currently absorbing all my thoughts and I just don’t know what to do with all these feelings. I can feel the connection between us clearly when we are together but although we are friends in facebook he never ever contact me or even reply to my comments. 
My partner is a good man that deeply loves me, but we are very different. This other guy seems to be just like me! I really don’t know what to do, or maybe I should just swallow my feelings and keep focusing in what I have which is a lovely relationship with a good man. Can anyone give me some advice? I don’t even dare to talk about this with anyone.


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## BM178 (May 17, 2011)

Wow I can relate to this. My bf never cheated on me, but I met a few of his friends. At first, I liked one of them. By like i mean sexually attracted, nothing else. Now, I've been introduced to another friend and I immediately felt a connection. We text casually. I've been confused about my feelings like I need a break or something. I stopped texting him since Sunday because I don't wanna get drawn to him and the only way we hang out is through my bf. We've been partying a lot together & it just gets harder and harder every time I see him. I feel like its a stage I go through cuz I've been with my guy 3+ yrs and it gets boring to be with one man for so long. U want attention from other men. So I understand how you feel. It passed with the other guy and I still see him and I dont feel what I used to for him anymore. Just keep hoping its a stage and try not to see him a lot. I know its very hard but... either him or ur bf.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Blue: You have been with your guy for 1 yr and he's already cheated on you with 3 different women???

Leave him. Today. And get tested for STDs.

Don't cheat cause then you will just stoop to his level. End one problem before starting another one...


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## blueathena (May 17, 2011)

Hi there,

BM178 is somehow nice to see I'm not the only one going through this. I'm trying to keep the distance from this guy, but for example yesterday, I went out with my girlfrineds and when I went back home I found out he just left and my heart dropped on the floor. I think I'm just going to use the "Ostrich technique" and avoid him as much as possible.

Jellybeans, thanks for your comment, I might have not explained my self properly. We have been together for 2 years. We both came from difficult relationships and it took us a lot of time to say I love you. It was on the first 5 months of the relationship he cheated on my,when we decided to make it fully serious he stopped seeing the other girls by his own determination. So when we said I love you he broke off with the rest and has not cheated on me again. In fact, he has changed so much he seems a different man, he really regerts what he did and he has been all over me since. Which is why all this is driving mad. I really like his friend and I'm feeling horrible about it, I understand somethings inside me shifted when I found out about the cheating, but for the last year and a half he's been great. I'm not going to cheat on him (its not my style).... as I said above maybe my only option is to avoid his friend at all cost.

Thanks so much for replying!


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## blueathena (May 17, 2011)

Also, BM, how have you been feeling about all the texting? hasn't your partner notice anything? is it working for you? the avoidance technique?


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

BM178 said:


> I feel like its a stage I go through cuz I've been with my guy 3+ yrs and it gets boring to be with one man for so long. U want attention from other men.QUOTE]
> 
> 
> I don't think it's the fact that being with 1 man gets boring, I think your man just is. How about telling him...


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## Lonesomedove (Apr 25, 2011)

i would not cheat... then you will be sinking to your spouses level. If you dont love or trust your man as you once did before your best bet is to communicate with him and tell him how you feel. Maybe try and open up to each other which might bring you closer together as a coupleand if all else fails then split up and still i dont think going for his friend would be a good idea until it all settles down. I mean you can talk with him more and message him on facebook but be friendly go for a coffee but keep it friendly just to get to know him and then you will know your true feelings are just resentment for your partner cheating on you before and you just feel deep inside you want revenge. Communication is the key to a good relationship. Hope this helps


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Something to consider, with regards to your partner's "cheating"... Had you discussed the relationship being exclusive to each other? So that it was clear that you both wouldn't see other people? If not, I don't know that I'd throw around the "cheating" label to his behaviour.

With regards to you... Your friend isn't initiating contact with you or replying to your notes... What are the odds that he's not really into you anyway? Your time would be better spent (in any case) in deciding if your partner is the person you want to be with, regardless of anyone else. If not, then end it before you try something (or someone) new. If so, start working on some things like the "Love Languages" and try to see where the disconnect is starting. And as mentioned above... Communication (and early communication) is key!

C


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Are you married or just living together?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

PBear said:


> Your time would be better spent (in any case) in deciding if your partner is the person you want to be with, regardless of anyone else.


ITA.

Figure out your relationship before doing anything you will live to regret.


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## BM178 (May 17, 2011)

blueathena said:


> Also, BM, how have you been feeling about all the texting? hasn't your partner notice anything? is it working for you? the avoidance technique?


Well he knows we text about going out on weekends all of us. He doesn't know we actually have conversations about just stuff, life. Yes, avoiding is working a little. You need to keep yourself occupied with anything and everything; talking/hanging with friends, doing stuff that you like. Keep yourself away from texting or calling him w/e it may be. If the feeling is till strong, then you might be falling for him and need to talk to your bf. Feelings can be so damn complicated that YOU don't even know how you feel. I'm going thru that now... It's very hard and I'm so thankful for my friends to help me and support. I hope you have at least one good friend that won't judge you and stand by you thru this for now. 

The 13th_Floor: I don't think it's the fact that being with 1 man gets boring, I think your man just is. How about telling him... 

He's not boring at all, but the fact that we've been together for 3 years IS. The excitement, the lust, is gone even though I love him more than myself and would take a bullet for him. Couples need to work on getting that excitement back if they both put in same amount of effort and don't slack. It's a two way road. And that's what I will be doing after having some time to myself.


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

BM178 said:


> The 13th_Floor: I don't think it's the fact that being with 1 man gets boring, I think your man just is. How about telling him...
> 
> He's not boring at all, but the fact that we've been together for 3 years IS. The excitement, the lust, is gone even though I love him more than myself and would take a bullet for him. Couples need to work on getting that excitement back if they both put in same amount of effort and don't slack. It's a two way road. And that's what I will be doing after having some time to myself.


Agreed. The key to good relationships is attraction.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

BM178 said:


> He's not boring at all, but the fact that we've been together for 3 years IS. The excitement, the lust, is gone even though I love him more than myself and would take a bullet for him.


Sorry to break it to you but the excitement and lust wears off in EVERY relationship. 

Evenstill, I think you're sooo young.

If you don't love him and don't see this working out, get a divorce.


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## blueathena (May 17, 2011)

Hi there,

Thanks for all your replies.

Pbear: yes, as we were friends for a very long time we agreed we were not going to see anyone else. We talked about it pretty soon and I didn't do anything else with anybody.... unfortunately his approach was different. In my books, that's cheating. But yeah, I should look at why this is all going on. A part of me thinks there is probably issues to look at which I'm willing to do. Another part of me thinks being on a relationship does not stop you from having other feelings. Love in particular is a very complex emotion that can be express and manifest in many ways. 

BM: It looks like we are on the same road. We dont text or anything, we are both keeping distance (as far as he is not at mines!). Definatly going to use the avoidance route and yes, I do have great friends I just have not even dare to talk about this with them....it does not make me feel really good with my self really, that is why I ended up in the forum!

Overall: Jelly and Pbear, I think you are completly right and I need to figure things out only between my partner and me, its just easier said than done.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

blueathena said:


> A part of me thinks there is probably issues to look at which I'm willing to do.


This is a major problem. If you deny the problems in your relationship, you are facing a serious uphill battle. Pretending everything ok when it's not is no way to live. True intimacy is delving into your problems. 



blueathena said:


> Overall: Jelly and Pbear, I think you are completly right and I need to figure things out only between my partner and me, its just easier said than done.


Please heed our advice. Pbear and I both stepped out on our our relationships so we are talking to you from experience: don't go there. It's NOT worth it. Take it from two people who learned very hard lessons.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

BM178 said:


> The 13th_Floor: I don't think it's the fact that being with 1 man gets boring, I think your man just is. How about telling him...
> 
> He's not boring at all, but the fact that we've been together for 3 years IS. The excitement, the lust, is gone even though I love him more than myself and would take a bullet for him. Couples need to work on getting that excitement back if they both put in same amount of effort and don't slack. It's a two way road. And that's what I will be doing after having some time to myself.


Wow, 3 years? That's a long time :sleeping:

I see you're going to work on getting the spark back, good plan. Hope it works out.


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