# Sex after children?



## Zerb (Aug 24, 2012)

Let's talk about this factor by itself, considering it's frequently listed as one of Life's Great Stressors. (and I'm not finding anything with general forum searches.)

Parents: How frequent is sex and how soon after childbirth did you establish this "New Normal"? For a point of reference, what was your previous frequency? Any thoughts about it?

While we have other factors to work out, we bottomed out during pregnancy and haven't recovered much in the first 9 months of parenthood. After that hiatus, we're looking at about once a month now, and I just found out this is borderline clinically Sexless.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

While I admit to having messed up with my ex-wife by marrying here as we had a number of stressors before marriage, I estimate our sexlife was at about a 1x a week ratio before we got marriage.

Our first child arrrived only a few months after marriage (she was pregnant at the time we got married), and sex after that dropped to once every two weeks. It stayed at that level, or lower, for the entire 7 1/2 year marriage. 

What also dropped was the quality of sex. It went from random and unplanned to a ritually that could have been scripted. I had to go through several hoops along the sex train to finally be allowed anywhere near the honey pot.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Before children we were roughly every other day. After the first, it dropped to about two or three times each week. Started picking up a couple months before the second one was conceived. Then tapered after she was born.... picked up a few months before the last was conceived. Stayed pretty much 3X each week after until he had a breakdown, started meds that screwed with his libido. Now, about once a week. We also jumped back into our sexlife about two weeks after each was born.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

We went about 15 months after first child with NO sex. This was part her recuperating from C-section, part me having lowered my alpha along the way, part her losing her libido from breastfeeding. We had sex 2-3 times after the 15 month layoff, and are currently on a 5 month layoff again. Meanwhile, I'm working on me (physique, setting boundaries in our relationship, doing things for me) little by little. We'll see what comes from it.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Zerb said:


> While we have other factors to work out, we bottomed out during pregnancy and haven't recovered much in the first 9 months of parenthood. After that hiatus, we're looking at about once a month now, and I just found out this is borderline clinically Sexless.


There are two basic factors at play here. First is that, if your wife is breastfeeding, her hormones are suppressing her libido. Second is that you have probably ramped up your beta behaviors and slacked off on your alpha behaviors because of fatherhood, which causes your wife to be less attracted to you and to feel comfortable neglecting you.

Good luck.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> There are two basic factors at play here. First is that, if your wife is breastfeeding, her hormones are suppressing her libido. Second is that you have probably ramped up your beta behaviors and slacked off on your alpha behaviors because of fatherhood, which causes your wife to be less attracted to you and to feel comfortable neglecting you.
> 
> Good luck.


well said. This is what happened to me, also. Just finished reading No More Mr Nice Guy and also finished with Married Man's Sex Life Primer. I'm making steps toward recovery from Chronic Beta-ness. I hope OP does the same.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I'm 45 yrs old and I've been with my H since I was 19 yrs old. 
I've always been HD...except in the months after each of my 3x babies was born. The hormones in my body were over whelming ...making me want to focus/bond/love/cherish/fed/protect my new baby. My H had to take a bit of a back seat for a while, it wasn't a conscious choice as I recall... it was a primitive need to bond with baby.

Did he feel left out and neglected... Yes! I'm sure he did at times. His answer was to throw himself into being the best dad and hubby he could be.

OUR time came back...it took about a year ( I breastfed each child for about a year) with each baby to be 'normal' again... but it did come back.

These days we have as much sex as we did pre-babies and I feel so grateful he had faith in me and our relationship, he says he knew he just had to be patient. Difficult when ones balls are blue, for sure!

Just keep the lines of communication open. I needed to be reminded of my H's needs every now and then. I think I was in a type of 'fog' after the babies were born.... I pretty much forgot about him and his needs at times. 

Sounds terrible doesn't it! But it wasn't lack of love or desire for him...it was more to do with lack of sleep and wacky hormones.

Hang in there.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> There are two basic factors at play here. First is that, if your wife is breastfeeding, her hormones are suppressing her libido. Second is that you have probably ramped up your beta behaviors and slacked off on your alpha behaviors because of fatherhood, which causes your wife to be less attracted to you and to feel comfortable neglecting you.
> 
> Good luck.


I see things have changed very little around here. ;-)

Funny - I feel like my wife never finds me more irresistable than when I am being a nurturing father or doing crap around the house. According to other women I know my age... they agree. Dont buy into the automatic 'alpha' BS responses that dominate this board. '..she feels comfortable neglecting you.' Laugh. Yeah, sure she does. Such utter and steaming BS. Face it - priorities change witha 9 month old in the house. The question is... can you make the adjustment?

9 months is nothing to panic about. 

After we had our first, things were slow for a long time. I cant remember really... 6 months.. 9 months.. a year? It picked up a little. Came back slow. 2nd one didnt take as long.

Eventually, the kids get a little older the demands get different (not less, but different) and you find that things get a chance to get alot better. This is when it takes extra effort to keep the relationship close. Its not 'beta'. Its relationship maintenance. The simple stuff. Getting away with your wife once in a while. The constant little nice things you BOTH do and say for each other... its like putting money in the bank. (we have been together for25 years)

Turning it into 'you are not meeting my needs' is a joke. If you need to do the heavy lifting.. do it. This is what everyone talks about when a relationship takes 'work'. Show her that the family is the most important thing to you - and things will come around. Dont get insecure about it and for gods sake dont get all pouty and resentful. Do something.. go work out. Do a great job at work. Take the kids out and give mom a few hours off. Go out to dinner with just the 2 of you once every few months (ha!) and yeah cough up the extra cash for a sitter and take your time about it. I guarantee she will reciprocate in kind. You need to remiind yourself that she wants you both to be happy as much as you do. Face it - she married you for a reason and that includes sex. She will come around as long as you dont start behaving like you are being rejected... like you are not a priority anymore.

Our 2 kids are now in middle elementary and our sexlife has never been better. Maybe 4-5 times week? Not always. Sometiimes 2...3. Whatever. Ive stopped keeping track since it doesnt matter really. Bottom line is that we managed to keep close enough to allow us to fall back in lust. We never really lost it.. but god knows it can seem that way when you are not having regular sex.

Hang in there. Relax. Keep doing the little, and big things to remind each other you are into each other. Get alone with her once in a while.. go out. Nothing wrong or out of the ordinary here, really.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

My kids are 5 and 3. We have as much sex now as we did before they were born, about 3-5 times a week.

But it took a while. Especially between child 1 and 2, we had some pretty serious relationship issues that led to no sex. Once we sorted them out, our sex life jumped back up.

It also had a lot to do with exhaustion. Not breastfeeding so much, since I'm still breastfeeding my youngest and haven't noticed any real change to my libido. But sleep deprivation was the killer.


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## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

lots of factors determine this:
-- it is physically harder after about 6 months pregnant and even painful sometimes. 
-- after my first bub turned while being born and having massive internal stitches i was VERY VERY SORE !!, it hurt to even walk and it took 7 weeks to even try, i cried and sometimes we couldnt do it at all. it took sever months before the pain went and i was enjoyable, lets not mention i had a sick baby who woke every hour for 1st year of life.

-- then got preg again once bub had operation.

-- 3rd bub was a quicker recovery but sleepless nights is torture and makes pretty low drive

3 kids under 4 is what we had and we still manages 1 to 2 times a week, prob took 6 months to come back to 1 x week then maybe 12 months after bub to be 2 times week 

i am still breastfeeding bub who is 1 now and pretty much dont want it or feel like it at all but do it to please hubby, he seems happy with that .... except he hasnt had it for 2 or 3 months now... other probs there.

hope this helps

dont expect too much cause kids really do take it out of you and its nothing personal


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## RayRay88 (Dec 5, 2012)

You're doing it more than we are lol our daughter is a year old now and we probably did it about 6-8 times in the past year! Our situation is different though. Sex drive is there for both of us but we have different perspectives on what sex should be like. Is there anything physically or emotionally keeping you guys from doing it? It was really hard to have a sex life until we moved when she was 9 months and got her own bedroom. She sleeps better now and we def have the time to do it.


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## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

RayRay88 said:


> You're doing it more than we are lol our daughter is a year old now and we probably did it about 6-8 times in the past year! Our situation is different though. Sex drive is there for both of us but we have different perspectives on what sex should be like. Is there anything physically or emotionally keeping you guys from doing it? *yes, he cheated and told me about it 2 yrs ago, i thought oh hes being honest and thought we with counselling moved past it , we had another baby 1 yr old now and i feel i sometimes hate him now for his betrayal
> *It was really hard to have a sex life until we moved when she was 9 months and got her own bedroom. She sleeps better now and we def have the time to do it.


*our bub also sleeps in our room 
*


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> There are two basic factors at play here. First is that, if your wife is breastfeeding, her hormones are suppressing her libido. Second is that you have probably ramped up your beta behaviors and slacked off on your alpha behaviors because of fatherhood, which causes your wife to be less attracted to you and to feel comfortable neglecting you.
> 
> Good luck.


1. The breastfeeding suppressing libido doesn't always work that way. I breastfed both of our sons until they were 2 years old, and our daughter until she was a year and a half (roughly). I only quit because of nipple soreness due to pregnancy. But my sex drive never went down due to breastfeeding or anything else relating to children.

2. No, no, no, no, no! My GOD stop with this alpha-beta BS! I never once found my husband less attractive when he was helping out with the kids and doing things around the house to lighten my load. Look, not all women want this "alpha" guy. Not all women want the "beta" guy. *Gasp* SOME of us actually want a combination of the two. Go figure. 

Seriously, the alpha beta crap is old. Not every thread needs to be turned into that nonsense.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Usually 4x's a week. Because he couldn't keep up with every day. Next dude better want it daily.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

anotherguy said:


> I see things have changed very little around here. ;-)
> 
> Funny - I feel like my wife never finds me more irresistable than when I am being a nurturing father or doing crap around the house. According to other women I know my age... they agree.


Yes, things have changed little. There are still feminist apologist white knights who charge into threads to preserve the Oprah-approved perspective on female sexuality.

However, I agree with you. Women DO claim to be attracted to nurturing, sensitive, house husbands. And many of them even believe it. It's just not true. That's why, in movies and books geared to appeal to women, very few of the leading men are nurturing, sensitive, beta males.



anotherguy said:


> Dont buy into the automatic 'alpha' BS responses that dominate this board. '..she feels comfortable neglecting you.' Laugh. Yeah, sure she does. Such utter and steaming BS. Face it - priorities change witha 9 month old in the house. The question is... can you make the adjustment?


Speaking of utter BS. You're arguing that after nearly a year, during which the OP has worked UP to having a clinically sexless marriage, the OP would be unreasonable to expect his wife to be able to clear her schedule of 20 minutes a week to tend to his needs? You're saying that the fact that she can only spare once a month to have sex proves that she still prioritizes her husband's needs? Seriously?



anotherguy said:


> Turning it into 'you are not meeting my needs' is a joke. If you need to do the heavy lifting.. do it. This is what everyone talks about when a relationship takes 'work'. Show her that the family is the most important thing to you - and things will come around.


You must be new here. I'll just invite you to peruse the countless threads of men in sexless marriages who are busting their asses doing housework, childcare, and earning a paycheck only to see their wives not give a damn when it comes to the bedroom. Arguing that those men should just run a little faster on that treadmill because they'll probably get somewhere, eventually, is just the ultimate insult.



anotherguy said:


> Dont get insecure about it and for gods sake dont get all pouty and resentful. Do something.. go work out. Do a great job at work. Take the kids out and give mom a few hours off. Go out to dinner with just the 2 of you once every few months (ha!) and yeah cough up the extra cash for a sitter and take your time about it.


In other words, run the MAP.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> 1. The breastfeeding suppressing libido doesn't always work that way. I breastfed both of our sons until they were 2 years old, and our daughter until she was a year and a half (roughly). I only quit because of nipple soreness due to pregnancy. But my sex drive never went down due to breastfeeding or anything else relating to children.


Amazingly enough, this thread isn't about you. I didn't say that breastfeeding ALWAYS supresses libido. It didn't for you. Fine. You are the exception to the rule. The fact is, breastfeeding USUALLY supresses libido. Given the fact that the OP is in a clinically sexless marriage, I think it's fair to assume that his wife has a low libido for him right now, even though your experience was different.



Maricha75 said:


> 2. No, no, no, no, no! My GOD stop with this alpha-beta BS! I never once found my husband less attractive when he was helping out with the kids and doing things around the house to lighten my load. Look, not all women want this "alpha" guy. Not all women want the "beta" guy. *Gasp* SOME of us actually want a combination of the two. Go figure.


You must be new here, as well. I'm a big fan of Athol Kay, whose entire premise is that men need a COMBINATION of alpha and beta behaviors in long-term relationships. That's why I didn't tell the OP that he should stop all beta behaviors and exhibit only alpha behaviors. I told him that he was likely out of balance and skewed too heavily to the beta side of the scale.



Maricha75 said:


> Seriously, the alpha beta crap is old. Not every thread needs to be turned into that nonsense.


Give us another method of resolving sexless marriages that is as effective as running the MAP, and I'll start to espouse your method, too. Otherwise, I don't think helping people really gets old.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> I didn't say that breastfeeding ALWAYS supresses libido. It didn't for you. Fine. You are the exception to the rule.


:iagree:

This is why I've restrained from responding to this thread. I KNOW I'm the exception to the rule. I'm HD so I my answer isn't representative to most women with kids.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> There are two basic factors at play here.* First is that, if your wife is breastfeeding, her hormones are suppressing her libido.* Second is that you have probably ramped up your beta behaviors and slacked off on your alpha behaviors because of fatherhood, which causes your wife to be less attracted to you and to feel comfortable neglecting you.
> 
> Good luck.





PHTlump said:


> Amazingly enough, this thread isn't about you. I didn't say that breastfeeding ALWAYS supresses libido. It didn't for you. Fine. You are the exception to the rule. The fact is, breastfeeding USUALLY supresses libido. Given the fact that the OP is in a clinically sexless marriage, I think it's fair to assume that his wife has a low libido for him right now, even though your experience was different.


You made the assumption that her libido dropped due to breastfeeding, if she even does it. Truthfully, those I know who breastfed didn't have that drop. It wasn't until I came here that I even encountered women (and their husbands) dealing with this. I quoted your previous post, where you stated "if your wife is breastfeeding, her hormones are suppressing her libido". My point was that it isn't necessarily breasfeeding doing it. But, I am one of those rare women who didn't even want to wait more than two weeks after giving birth to get back to having sex. I will agree that his wife likely has a low libido right now... but it doesn't mean it is necessarily due to breastfeeding. One thing that could be at play is "baby blues" or post partum depression. Though it may not be severe, it could be a mild case, and usually, when depressed, one has next to no interest in sex, or even no interest at all. 




PHTlump said:


> You must be new here, as well. I'm a big fan of Athol Kay, whose entire premise is that men need a COMBINATION of alpha and beta behaviors in long-term relationships. That's why I didn't tell the OP that he should stop all beta behaviors and exhibit only alpha behaviors. I told him that he was likely out of balance and skewed too heavily to the beta side of the scale.


Yea, I got that you're a big fan of Athol Kay, along with many of the men on here. What I find interesting is that there have also been men who have said they follow his writings and yet they still get no results. Yes, I am clearly new here because I don't agree with the alpha-beta stuff, right? 

Contrary to your own experience, there are women who DO prefer the so-called more "beta" man, and they remain faithful to them, and have great sex lives with them. I do find it curious that my husband would be considered "beta" currently, and yet I feel closer to him NOW than I did when he was more assertive/"alpha". Go figure.




PHTlump said:


> Give us another method of resolving sexless marriages that is as effective as running the MAP, and I'll start to espouse your method, too. *Otherwise, I don't think helping people really gets old.*


I agree, helping people doesn't get old. What gets old is when so many turn each and every thread into "you need to man up and be alpha!"..every. single. time. It's the "go to" advice before everything is all out there. I don't recall seeing the OP say whether his wife has symptoms of depression (PPD occurs whether breasfeeding or bottle feeding, of course). That could be the SIMPLE explanation for a libido drop in the first year after a baby has been born. 

Anyway, perhaps you didn't mean your first post the way I took it. If you did not, then I apologize. And I was not trying to turn the thread to focus on me. The OP asked about others experiences after babies are born, I gave mine. And, I was responding to my interpretation of your post. Anyway, I apologize if I misunderstood what you were saying.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> You must be new here. I'll just invite you to peruse the countless threads of men in sexless marriages who are busting their asses doing housework, childcare, and earning a paycheck only to see their wives not give a damn when it comes to the bedroom. Arguing that those men should just run a little faster on that treadmill because they'll probably get somewhere, eventually, is just the ultimate insult....


Shrug. Same old schtick from you and I then. I admit it.

This board is like a hospital ward though. People here are sick and in broken and damaged and dysfunctional relationships - and studying the 'countless' threads is the same as trying to live and grow a healthy relationship by studying sick people. Not the best approach.

9 Months of bad to no sex is not a big deal with a new child. I would advise the OP to talk to normal people in the real world, with kids, about it and see if he doesnt come away with a very different outlook on his situation. I bet he does.

Apologist white knight.Beta. Laugh. Here is a guy with a new baby in the house and (surprise!) wantig to get laid - and the Alpha and MAP and Kay deciples just cant wait to immediately pull their ultimate one-size-fita-all 'solution' out of their pants and suggest altering the terms of the engagement. Its total rubbish, is my view when constantly regurgitated so quickly to anyone expressing concern over their sex life. Your zeal to apply the married mans sex life trope clouds your judgement of what is (more likely) a normal and unsurprising event in a relationship that does not demand earth shattering hunter and gatherer paradigm shifts, nor 'Game'. 

gads.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Zerb said:


> Let's talk about this factor by itself, considering it's frequently listed as one of Life's Great Stressors. (and I'm not finding anything with general forum searches.)
> 
> Parents: How frequent is sex and how soon after childbirth did you establish this "New Normal"? For a point of reference, what was your previous frequency? Any thoughts about it?
> 
> While we have other factors to work out, we bottomed out during pregnancy and haven't recovered much in the first 9 months of parenthood. After that hiatus, we're looking at about once a month now, and I just found out this is borderline clinically Sexless.


I think you are on the edge of this being an issue. By that I mean it is normal for a woman's sex drive to still not be there at this point after giving birth, yet it is very common for it to have started back up at this point. What does give me pause is your comment that it bottomed out during the pregnancy. Can you give more detail about?

Also, what is her general attitude toward your marriage, raising the child and you? Is she trying to find a balance or is everything and all things about the child and her motherhood? Is she working to stay connected with you in some way? Does she let you participate with the child? Are you active in that, or are you at her beck and call? Does she consider you qualified to take care of the baby without her being around or instructing you? Does she ever seek interaction with you apart from the baby?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

anotherguy said:


> 9 Months of bad to no sex is not a big deal with a new child. I would advise the OP to talk to normal people in the real world, with kids, about it and see if he doesnt come away with a very different outlook on his situation. I bet he does.


Except it is not just 9 months. It is longer, though why is not clear. To assume it is merely a normal occurance is just as wrong as assuming it is a lack of alpha.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Except it is not just 9 months. It is longer, though why is not clear. To assume it is merely a normal occurance is just as wrong as assuming it is a lack of alpha.


I agree with that he says it is more complex, I will insist that the specific situation he describes after a new baby IS normal. Totally unsurprising.

He does say they have other issues, but whipping out 'the program' is an over-excited knee-jerk ejeculation that borders on religious indoctrination. Far too frequent here. Its putting the cart before the horse... never mind that I dont agree with the cart in the first place.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

anotherguy said:


> I agree with that he says it is more complex, I will insist that the specific situation he describes after a new baby IS normal. Totally unsurprising.
> 
> He does say they have other issues, but whipping out 'the program' is an over-excited knee-jerk ejeculation that borders on religious indoctrination. Far too frequent here. Its putting the cart before the horse... never mind that I dont agree with the cart in the first place.


Well, just because it is normal does not mean it is good. Whipping out doing more nice things may make things worse. Just as I have seen men who got too pushy to quick, I have seen women push everything to the back so that all could focus on their motherhood. The husband jumping into the role of raising the child only fed the mania. 

As far as the program, well you are at least honest in that you admit that it is never needed. Beyond that we will have to agree to disagree.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> You made the assumption that her libido dropped due to breastfeeding, if she even does it. Truthfully, those I know who breastfed didn't have that drop. It wasn't until I came here that I even encountered women (and their husbands) dealing with this.


Yes. I wrote a generalization. I wrote that, IF she was breastfeeding, her libido was being suppressed. I suppose, to satisfy all the women out there, I should have written, "IF she was breastfeeding, her hormones would generally, most of the time, with some exceptions, be suppressed, your mileage may vary." Wow, that revised sentence certainly adds a lot to the discussion. I mean, it's an entirely different point now.

And I know that your experience is different. But your experience isn't necessarily reflective of the world at large. Even the experience of your friends isn't. That's why I put more stock in statistics which use hundreds, or even thousands of people to draw conclusions.

If I state that men are taller than women, would you conclude that I mean that ALL men are taller than EVERY SINGLE woman in the world? Or would you conclude that I mean that MOST men are taller than MOST women? It seems obvious that the reasonable conclusion is the latter. However, that doesn't stop people from objecting every time a generalization is used. Sadly.



Maricha75 said:


> My point was that it isn't necessarily breasfeeding doing it.


And I agree. That's why I also suggested that the OP was out of balance on his alpha/beta behaviors.



Maricha75 said:


> Yea, I got that you're a big fan of Athol Kay, along with many of the men on here. What I find interesting is that there have also been men who have said they follow his writings and yet they still get no results.


Again, it's a generalization. Nobody, even Athol, argues that running the MAP is a 100% guaranteed way to have more sex with your wife. But it is a very effective way to have a better sex life.



Maricha75 said:


> Contrary to your own experience, there are women who DO prefer the so-called more "beta" man, and they remain faithful to them, and have great sex lives with them. I do find it curious that my husband would be considered "beta" currently, and yet I feel closer to him NOW than I did when he was more assertive/"alpha". Go figure.


Sure. Again, it's a generalization. I'm talking about most men and most women. There are men who have a fetish for morbidly obese women. But, most men prefer slim, healthy women. If a woman came on this board complaining of her husband not being attracted to her, my first advice would be to look slim and healthy, not to become morbidly obese on the slim chance that her husband is into that.

Similarly, most women are attracted to men who exhibit alpha traits. And wives appreciate beta traits. So more alpha is usually the best way to increase a wife's sexual interest in her husband. Obviously, if a wife were an exception to the rule (some women enjoy dominating their husbands, for example) then the MAP wouldn't apply. In those, limited, cases, the husband should exhibit less alpha traits and more beta traits.



Maricha75 said:


> I agree, helping people doesn't get old. What gets old is when so many turn each and every thread into "you need to man up and be alpha!"..every. single. time. It's the "go to" advice before everything is all out there. I don't recall seeing the OP say whether his wife has symptoms of depression (PPD occurs whether breasfeeding or bottle feeding, of course). That could be the SIMPLE explanation for a libido drop in the first year after a baby has been born.


That is true. He didn't mention depression. And I am assuming that the OP is not an idiot. So, if he didn't mention depression, which could be a big reason for a lack of libido, then I'm going to assume that his wife isn't depressed. Just like I'm going to assume that he's not attracted to morbidly obese women and I'm going to assume that his wife is attracted to men who display a balance of alpha and beta behaviors.

Now, if the OP comes back and tells us that his wife is depressed and sexually attracted to submissive men, then I will revise my advice to him. Until then, I'm just playing the percentages with the information we've been given.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

anotherguy said:


> This board is like a hospital ward though. People here are sick and in broken and damaged and dysfunctional relationships - and studying the 'countless' threads is the same as trying to live and grow a healthy relationship by studying sick people. Not the best approach.


Interesting analogy. I would argue that a hospital is a great place to learn how to heal the sick. You can simply look at which patients get better and which patients die. Then, if you're smart, you apply the methods used for the patients who got better. If you're not smart, you just tell the dying patients to keep a stiff upper lip because they're probably on the right track.



anotherguy said:


> 9 Months of bad to no sex is not a big deal with a new child. I would advise the OP to talk to normal people in the real world, with kids, about it and see if he doesnt come away with a very different outlook on his situation. I bet he does.


I disagree. I agree that it's not the end of the world. Some decrease in frequency after birth is normal, and even healthy. However, unless the OP's wife had an exceptionally difficult pregnancy and delivery, her body is capable of sex now. Her hormones may still be suppressing her libido. But, once a month is seriously suppressed. It's certainly time for the OP to begin to put healthy priorities back in place.

And just because there may be some families out there with incorrect priorities, doesn't mean that the OP should aspire to be just as dysfunctional as those families. There are thousands, or even millions, of families with older children sleeping in the parents' bed disrupting their sex lives. We could advise those parents to reclaim their priorities, or we could define sexless co-sleeping as the new normal and give up. I suggest the former.



anotherguy said:


> Apologist white knight.Beta. Laugh. Here is a guy with a new baby in the house and (surprise!) wantig to get laid - and the Alpha and MAP and Kay deciples just cant wait to immediately pull their ultimate one-size-fita-all 'solution' out of their pants and suggest altering the terms of the engagement. Its total rubbish, is my view when constantly regurgitated so quickly to anyone expressing concern over their sex life. Your zeal to apply the married mans sex life trope clouds your judgement of what is (more likely) a normal and unsurprising event in a relationship that does not demand earth shattering hunter and gatherer paradigm shifts, nor 'Game'.
> 
> gads.


I'm sorry, was there a point in there? You think women don't like assertive men? You are wrong. You think families shouldn't strive to reestablish healthy priorities almost a year after birth? You are wrong. You think men in sexless marriages should just cross their fingers and hope that whatever is causing their wives to disregard their sexual needs just goes away by itself, or with some extra dishwashing from hubby? You couldn't be more wrong.

Gads, indeed.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Is she getting enough sleep? I'd say the number one killer for my sex drive and our relationship generally was not getting enough sleep. My first baby was a terrible sleeper and I was permanently exhausted, tearful and seethingly resentful of my husband who I felt didn't understand.

I don't actually know how accurate that is as I think my view was pretty skewed, and even with hindsight I can't tell what was going on. I do remember wishing that he would suggest I go and have a nap, or offer to get up with the baby one weekend morning so I could sleep in, or even acknowledge how hard it was and how proud he was of me.

But he was going through his own bad sh*t which I was ignoring. So who knows?


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

Zerb said:


> After that hiatus, we're looking at about once a month now, and I just found out this is borderline clinically Sexless.


Nothing kills a woman's sex desire than the kids. The first couple years are the worse. The more kids you have the longer it lasts. My only suggestion is once the child is old enough for a week end over at Grand Parents spend a nice long week end alone. 

Even if you do not leave you home, though I suggest a nice quiet place away. Helps both of you to reconnect, but I will warn you both of you for the first day will be thinking of the baby. Find a way to get her mind back on you even if it is just for one night.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

A dead sex life after children is something I've been afraid of. We barely have sex now, so after kids, our sex life would probably be non-existent. To make this worse, we've suffered through 2 miscarriages and my wife is now more determined than ever to have children, mostly because her brothers have children; she doesn't want to feel left out in the family. 

I honestly don't know if I can endure going weeks or even months without sex without losing my mind or contemplating cheating (but not actually doing it). Most of my friends that have children don't have a sex life; it's like they're staying together out of obligation to the children, and that's sad.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

coupdegrace said:


> A dead sex life after children is something I've been afraid of. We barely have sex now, so after kids, our sex life would probably be non-existent. To make this worse, we've suffered through 2 miscarriages and my wife is now more determined than ever to have children, mostly because her brothers have children; she doesn't want to feel left out in the family.
> 
> I honestly don't know if I can endure going weeks or even months without sex without losing my mind or contemplating cheating (but not actually doing it). Most of my friends that have children don't have a sex life; it's like they're staying together out of obligation to the children, and that's sad.


Ya know... I think your worries are well founded.

I'm HD but went LD for a few years while I was making/birthing/feeding babies. I went back to 'normal' once they were more independent (ie: older than one yr and not breastfeeding).

If your wife is LD BEFORE kids... I seriously doubt it will improve after kids..she'll just go back to HER normal.... LD... with the added stresses/workload of children. 

I've never heard of a LD spouse getting MORE sexual after babies enter the scene.... not on TAM or in the real world.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

anotherguy said:


> 9 Months of bad to no sex is not a big deal with a new child. I would advise the OP to talk to normal people in the real world, with kids, about it and see if he doesnt come away with a very different outlook on his situation. I bet he does.
> 
> Apologist white knight.Beta. Laugh. Here is a guy with a new baby in the house and (surprise!) wantig to get laid - and the Alpha and MAP and Kay deciples just cant wait to immediately pull their ultimate one-size-fita-all 'solution' out of their pants and suggest altering the terms of the engagement. Its total rubbish, is my view when constantly regurgitated so quickly to anyone expressing concern over their sex life. Your zeal to apply the married mans sex life trope clouds your judgement of what is (more likely) a normal and unsurprising event in a relationship that does not demand earth shattering hunter and gatherer paradigm shifts, nor 'Game'.


Wow. This is really something. And to think that I recently wondered when I was going to dust off the "mega fail" stamp.

What you fail to realize is that at 9 months kids are hitting a temporary low point for how much attention they demand. They are generally sleeping through the night, aren't really mobile and tearing up your home, wearing you out with tantrums, etc.

The truth: at nine months the only thing preventing a good sex life is attitude (unless you have extreme circumstances). Someone earlier said to remember that wives want to resume sex as much as husbands do. That is absolutely not so.

There are many women who deprioritize sex (at least until they want another child). They somehow always think something is more important than sex. For the first few months - yes there are legitimate physical needs (healing, getting up every few hours). Thereafter, it becomes the baby being the singular focus of the mother rather than being integrated into the family.

Genuine physical needs give way to "little Timmy is so cute, I can't miss anything", "I need to get Timmy his playtime at the park / playdates", "Timmy has to have baseball and piano after his schoolwork is out of the way", and so on. Kids will absolutely take every free minute you have if you don't strive to put some balance into your family life.

I would argue, strongly, that you can tell early on how it is going to go. If within 9 months (a year at the most) a wife is not back in step sexually, she has deprioritized sex and won't pick up the slack on her own. The husband needs to take the initiative and get things going. Sometimes, just reminding the wife that his needs are still there is enough. Sometimes it isn't, so stronger action and maybe even a wake-up call is needed.

The reason that Athol Kay, MMSL, the "180" are repeated often is that they need to be. All guys start with waiting patiently, then doing more acts of service, help around the home, date nights, and having polite talks. Those are all intuitive responses to this problem, so they don't need to be mentioned (unless the guy is totally clueless).

Too often, all of the above fail to yield any results. Guys find themselves at an impasse, and need to be encouraged to do the unintuitive and give a little less.


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## WillPrez (Dec 8, 2012)

My marriage had over years, I had enjoy the sex two or three times in a week, after birth a child i am continue with that ratio, I think we can enjoy more sex after child birth if you are interested.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

We're at about ten times a week right now. Have a one year old and a three year old.

Pregnancy changed nothing until maybe the last month, and she liked giving BJ's then instead.

After each c-section, maybe two weeks at the most before starting up again. Then every day at least once. She breast fed and it had little or no effect on her drive. 

It's a little less now than before the kids, but not a lot less.


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## 2ofus (Dec 25, 2012)

For me I was HD before kids, while I was pregnant with No1 we were like rabbits but after he was born it all stopped. I couldn't even think of my husband touching me, that improved after about 6 months but still only 1-2month. With pregnancy No2 it improved slightly but after my daughter was born I wouldn't let my husband touch me again. 
When No 2 started school I was back to HD. It was a long hiatus but I'm back to really enjoying it.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

2ofus said:


> For me I was HD before kids, while I was pregnant with No1 we were like rabbits but after he was born it all stopped. I couldn't even think of my husband touching me, that improved after about 6 months but still only 1-2month. With pregnancy No2 it improved slightly but after my daughter was born I wouldn't let my husband touch me again.
> When No 2 started school I was back to HD. It was a long hiatus but I'm back to really enjoying it.


Do you consider that fair to your husband? How was your communication with him after No2 was born? Was there anything he did that could have helped the situation? How did he handle it?


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Wow, I've always been high drive. Wedding cake didn't kill my drive, pregnancy didn't kill my drive, and I was having sex soon after child birth. It's unfortunate that this happens. Maybe I'm just a freak?


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

Wiserforit said:


> We're at about ten times a week right now. Have a one year old and a three year old.
> 
> Pregnancy changed nothing until maybe the last month, and she liked giving BJ's then instead.
> 
> ...


That's great, man. My W said she felt too "touched out" from BFing to give a bj. but of course, she also says that she likes giving BJs, but has never gone out of her way to give one. 

When it comes to BFing it seems that every woman is different, but her drive could trickle to nothing if she was low drive from the start.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> Maybe I'm just a freak?


You might be, but that's not a bad thing. :smthumbup:


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

Before our child, we had sex around 4 times a week. After she got pregnant, for most of the 9 months we didn't have sex and then till even 6 months after our child's birth we barely did it because her sex drive went way low. 

Now we are back to about 3 times a week only because I insist. In my opinion, kids are a libido destroyer. It's one of the reasons I'm hesitant to have a second child.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

JoeHenderson said:


> That's great, man. My W said she felt too "touched out" from BFing to give a bj. but of course, she also says that she likes giving BJs, but has never gone out of her way to give one.
> 
> When it comes to BFing it seems that every woman is different, but her drive could trickle to nothing if she was low drive from the start.


And I nursed all my kids...didn't kill my drive either.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

JoeHenderson said:


> That's great, man. My W said she felt too "touched out" from BFing to give a bj. but of course, she also says that she likes giving BJs, but has never gone out of her way to give one.
> 
> When it comes to BFing it seems that every woman is different, but her drive could trickle to nothing if she was low drive from the start.


At first I felt guilty because I was not reciprocating with oral on account of some pretty yucky stuff coming out down there sometimes and she didn't seem to want hand stimulation. 

But I could clearly see how much she liked doing it, and I felt the same way when I made her a little card with a computer program, cooked for her, or picked wild flowers. So.... why not!

We timed it out of curiosity. She got it down to two minutes. Think about that in the larger scheme of things like a husband working for hours fixing the car, plumbing, the roof or whatever. It really isn't much for a wife to do and the fact that a lot of them won't says something about them.


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## Zerb (Aug 24, 2012)

Thanks for all the input!

Like most of you pointed out there is more to it, but I wanted to look at this factor alone.

It kills me to know there are HD women and I didn't get one. F you, universe! No, really, universe... what are you up to tonight? I'm available.

I do realize that polling TAM could result in skewed answers. We're all on here for a reason.

I am also leery but fascinated by the MAP; in the middle of the MMSL Primer, and going to start a separate thread about it.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

Wiserforit said:


> At first I felt guilty because I was not reciprocating with oral on account of some pretty yucky stuff coming out down there sometimes and she didn't seem to want hand stimulation.
> 
> But I could clearly see how much she liked doing it, and I felt the same way when I made her a little card with a computer program, cooked for her, or picked wild flowers. So.... why not!
> 
> We timed it out of curiosity. She got it down to two minutes. Think about that in the larger scheme of things like a husband working for hours fixing the car, plumbing, the roof or whatever. It really isn't much for a wife to do and the fact that a lot of them won't says something about them.


i hear you. i think she's a touch OCD about bodily fluids (not really diagnosing her). she doesn't want me to go down on her either.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Zerb said:


> I do realize that polling TAM could result in skewed answers. We're all on here for a reason.


That's a good reason to look at resources like the Kinsey Institute. Check out The Kinsey Institute - Sexuality Information Links - FAQ [Related Resources] for some information on frequency. 30% of married women reported having sex monthly, or less. Now, some of the 70% who are having sex twice a month, or more, probably wish they could have sex less. However, some of the 30% who are nearly sexless probably wish they could have sex more. But, the numbers certainly put some things in perspective.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

Zerb said:


> Thanks for all the input!
> 
> Like most of you pointed out there is more to it, but I wanted to look at this factor alone.
> 
> ...


That's great, man. Let us know how it goes. I've been starting to implement MAP. I haven't seen much change in the bedroom, but am beginning to see change outside. She's cooking dinner, respecting my boundaries about work, and i'm starting to exercise more. just get ready to handle the S*** tests she might throw at you. my W was tantrumming something fierce when i held my ground about getting to work on time (i know, starting small).


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Zerb said:


> It kills me to know there are HD women and I didn't get one. F you, universe! No, really, universe... what are you up to tonight? I'm available.


:rofl:

Funniest thing I've read on TAM for ages!


Sorry there is no magic spell/potion for this issue... one thing for sure. Lack of sex ( regardless of babies, work, stress, etc....) is 'usually' a symptom of marital discord. Good job you've arrived at TAM... theres all kinds of help/support here


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

An ancient maxim applies here: go into a relationship with your eyes open and do not expect your spouse to change her nature.

I did that and got what I deserved. But now I have rectified the situation. 

All of them will go through menopause. None can defeat father time, they're going to lose the beauty of youth. Sex drive will diminish over the long course of a lifetime, although some in their 90's are still gettin' it on. Not every day!

But if you got one that is low drive when young, you better be thinking about whether you want a lifetime of that.


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## liifeiisabeach (Jan 5, 2013)

I can only go off of my own experience. 
I was 25 when I had my baby boy. Before I got pregnant we would have sex about once a week. My then boyfriend didn't have the desire to do it any more frequently. When I got pregnant. the first trimester was pretty much a no-go. Second trimester on, it was at least 2 times a week. 3-4 times a week at the very end trying to get that little guy out of there. After my son was born I had a hard time waiting the 6 weeks. After I was cleared from my Dr we couldn't get enough of each other. And now that my son is 8 1/2 months old we are averaging 3-4 times a week. 
However, some factors I can see impacting your situation could be her age and how well your baby is sleeping.
If your baby isn't STTN then she's probably exhausted. My now husband sometimes doesn't understand this because he isn't the one getting up with our son at night. He'll ask me every morning how often our he woke up the night before. There have been times where he would wake up at 12am and not go back down until 4am, just so I can wake up at 530 and get ready for work. 

Nothing is more important in a relationship than communication. Talk to her about it. But don't bring it up in a way where she feels she's not pleasing you or living up to your expectations. Sex can be a gentle subject for some. I know when my husband complains he doesn't get oral sex enough, I shut down. So tread lightly and she what she says. 

Good Luck


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Random semi-related question.

I don't have kids but may be having a baby in the next year or two...maybe.

Sex during pregnancy is something I have sub zero interest, I know it's harmless but something about the idea just bugs me to no end. 

Could a guy deal with no sex for circa nine moths...if he was getting other things (oral, whatever) 

Who knows, my hormones may change my mind but I just would wanna know if that'd fly or that'd be a nuclear meltdown.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

liifeiisabeach said:


> Nothing is more important in a relationship than communication.


Amen, sister.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Littlebird - There were times when I was pregnant (middle trimester) when i was horny as hell although I went off full on PIV sex by the end with all (3x) of them...for different reasons each time... but this doesn't happen with everyone. Some people have fantastic sex during pregnancy! I wasn't one of those women that bloom in pregnancy.

I was always 'aware' that there was a baby in there... all new parents are. You'll probably find your man takes extra care of you anyway... most do.

But it wouldn't have been fair to just cut my H off from all sexual contact/play for 9 months. We just had to 're-arrange' how we did things sometimes... times/places/positions. He also got quite a few soapy HJ's in the showers/bath and BJ's when i could .

Husbands do not last long on the back burner... they need regular love/attention/sex... just like women do.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

waiwera said:


> Littlebird - There were times when I was pregnant (middle trimester) when i was horny as hell although I went off full on PIV sex by the end with all (3x) of them...for different reasons each time... but this doesn't happen with everyone. Some people have fantastic sex during pregnancy! I wasn't one of those women that bloom in pregnancy.
> 
> I was always 'aware' that there was a baby in there... all new parents are. You'll probably find your man takes extra care of you anyway... most do.
> 
> ...


Thank you


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

LittleBird said:


> Thank you


LB, you should also be aware that you may actually surprise yourself during those 9 months... you might actually WANT sex during that time. Hey, it happens. Some women, even if they think they will have no interest in sex during pregnancy actually wear their husbands out during that time lol. Just keep it in mind.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

My engine revved hard when I was pregnant. Good times.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Six kids, all csections. Breastfed all. Almost can't remember before kids....basic newlywed rabbits. Some lean times during kids 4, 5 and 6, then the pace came back. About 4 times per week now, maybe more. Way better now too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

LittleBird said:


> Random semi-related question.
> 
> I don't have kids but may be having a baby in the next year or two...maybe.
> 
> ...


I couldn't.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

kingsfan said:


> I couldn't.


I witnessed my mother's miscarriage at the age of seven. It was really horrific. 

Even though in my head I know sex won't cause that, I have a feeling I'm going to be one of those neurotic mothers who only eat pre-approved astronaut food and stays huddled in bed with a shot gun until the baby is born.



Maybe not as much in the beginning but after the first two months, I'm thinking it's gonna be a blow job or nothing, cause I'll probably freak.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I've had 3 kids and pregnancy made me hornier than ever. It overrode any neurotic thoughts I might have had and my husbands too. I was thinking get over it dude and take those pants off. Lol


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> I've had 3 kids and pregnancy made me hornier than ever. It overrode any neurotic thoughts I might have had and my husbands too. I was thinking get over it dude and take those pants off. Lol


This is probably what's gonna end up happening XD

But isn't it weird when you're all like...fat and stuff? 0 0


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

LittleBird said:


> This is probably what's gonna end up happening XD
> 
> But isn't it weird when you're all like...fat and stuff? 0 0


Nope. I felt sexy and beautiful. I loved being pregnant. We were having sex until the very last minute.

In my defense I didn't gain a ton of weight (45 pounds) and it was all in my belly like a basketball under my shirt. I'm also tall.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

That's interesting because I felt the same way - I thought my wife was sexy and beautiful when pregnant too. I didn't give any thought about it whatsoever before she became pregnant, but then while she was pregnant I read about couples where the men ignored the wife during pregnancy, or worse yet had affairs.

WTF.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Being pregnant made me extremely horny as well. It wasn't weird, some positions were a bit awkward, but for the most part, I felt very, very feminine when I was pregnant.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

And it's not like I gained the weight right after I saw 2 lines on a pregnancy test no its over 9 months the worst being the last month. So about the time I'm feeling "fat" it's time to have the baby.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Wiserforit said:


> That's interesting because I felt the same way - I thought my wife was sexy and beautiful when pregnant too. I didn't give any thought about it whatsoever before she became pregnant, but then while she was pregnant I read about couples where the men ignored the wife during pregnancy, or worse yet had affairs.
> 
> WTF.


My oldest sons father cheated on me when I was pregnant. He had begged me for a child, we got pregnant, then he went an hid his penis in another woman's vagina. Whoops, must of been a mistake or an "accident".


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## liifeiisabeach (Jan 5, 2013)

LittleBird said:


> This is probably what's gonna end up happening XD
> 
> But isn't it weird when you're all like...fat and stuff? 0 0


I wouldn't say weird. But some positions that you used to love could be uncomfortable when you're pregnant. I loved doggy style and was not able to do it when pregnant. It's all natural, you'll see


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Went through first pregnancy not long ago, was high drive before pregnancy and went into lunatic drive during. Day after giving birth wanted sex (seriously frustrated that I couldn't). Been having sex for about a week now twice a day (make up for the 2 weeks we couldn't lol) so if a newborn and both owning our own businesses doesn't destroy my sex drive I'm not sure what will.
Think I'm just really weird


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

LittleBird said:


> Random semi-related question.
> 
> I don't have kids but may be having a baby in the next year or two...maybe.
> 
> ...


I really, really hope you are not serious.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Pregnant wife....totally hot...ultimate feminine form. My BIL denied his wife for nine months and their marriage sucked for years because of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zerb (Aug 24, 2012)

I was looking around for survival tips and found this link that put a lot more normalcy to the situation. Doesn't make it any more pleasant, but it certainly seems more emotionally calming to read these perspectives than MMSL (seriously, the Primer seems to fuel my resentment):

Hmmm.. Where The Hell Did My Sex Drive Go? - Circle of Moms


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> Wow, I've always been high drive. Wedding cake didn't kill my drive, pregnancy didn't kill my drive, and I was having sex soon after child birth. It's unfortunate that this happens. Maybe I'm just a freak?


Eh, but my wife giving birth to my son, actually frozen _my_ sex drive for about a year. I was too happy, having a son in our culture is a blessing. I was married later than my friends (my wife and I were in our mid 30s when we got married). All my other friends married in their 20s. Even some of my uncles thought I was a ****  just because I delayed and delayed. 

So you see, when I finally have a child, a son! Wow, I suddenly switch into "Papa" mode very quickly! It's like yelling to my clan "So you said I am ****? THIS is the proof that I am NOT ****!" 

I enjoyed being a father. "Papa" mode overtook me. I was always taking baby pictures, doing the shopping, buying baby clothes, buying milk, making milk, picking up the babysitter if she was late, I worked extra to earn some extra money so that we could afford a housekeeper while my wife is recuperating. I did not wish her to be too tired! I accompanied my wife and my baby to every doctor visits, every vaccination shots, I brought my baby to every family occassions, showing him off with pride . 

.. ah you name it, I was in "Papa" mode for a year!

During my "Papa" mode, I had absolutely totally no drive..never once asked my wife for sex, partly because I want her to concentrate in giving the best care for my son, and partly because I was totally not thinking at all about sex at that time..

..Until my wife one day yelled at me "why are you not asking for sex anymore? am I so unattractive after giving birth to your son?". 

That snapped me back to real life.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

LittleBird said:


> Random semi-related question.
> 
> I don't have kids but may be having a baby in the next year or two...maybe.
> 
> ...


Yes, this is possible, very much possible, i speak from experience.

I didn't make love to my wife at all when she got pregnant. I want to make sure the baby is safe and I am more paranoid than her in this regards.

During that time, there were times we did petting, BJs, HJs. She wanted to do it, because she likes the feeling of being in control and it gave her the confidence that she still able to get me hard.

But she cannot convinced me into PIV sex. I was just too paranoid at that time. 

And I am still apologizing to her to this day for freezing my sex drive for a year after my son was born.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Nope. I felt sexy and beautiful. I loved being pregnant. We were having sex until the very last minute.
> 
> In my defense I didn't gain a ton of weight (45 pounds) and it was all in my belly like a basketball under my shirt. I'm also tall.


:smthumbup:


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Zerb said:


> I was looking around for survival tips and found this link that put a lot more normalcy to the situation. Doesn't make it any more pleasant, but it certainly seems more emotionally calming to read these perspectives than MMSL (seriously, the Primer seems to fuel my resentment):
> 
> Hmmm.. Where The Hell Did My Sex Drive Go? - Circle of Moms


That link is a bunch of mothers describing the problem of not wanting sex. How does that help? We know what the problem is. The issue is how to address it.

If reading a blog dedicated to describing the problem makes you happier than reading a blog dedicated to solving the problem, then good luck to you. I guess misery really does love company.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

john_lord_b3 said:


> Eh, but my wife giving birth to my son, actually frozen _my_ sex drive for about a year. I was too happy, having a son in our culture is a blessing. I was married later than my friends (my wife and I were in our mid 30s when we got married). All my other friends married in their 20s. Even some of my uncles thought I was a ****  just because I delayed and delayed.
> 
> So you see, when I finally have a child, a son! Wow, I suddenly switch into "Papa" mode very quickly! It's like yelling to my clan "So you said I am ****? THIS is the proof that I am NOT ****!"
> 
> ...


Yeah, by the 6 week mark, I was ready to tear up the sheets again. Had my ex hubby not of been all over me like white on rice, I woulda done yelled at him lol.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

It gets better again when all the kids have moved out or left for college.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> That link is a bunch of mothers describing the problem of not wanting sex. How does that help? We know what the problem is. The issue is how to address it.
> 
> If reading a blog dedicated to describing the problem makes you happier than reading a blog dedicated to solving the problem, then good luck to you. I guess misery really does love company.


I disagree, of course. 

That link is not all that different than what you see here... different people talking about their own experiences - suggesting solutions. I think its misleading to suggest that is is simply a pool of wallowing misery and complaints... they are people looking for answers. 

_"..something Funny....the whole time I was preganat with my middle baby...I could not get enough I was wearing my Poor Husband out...after I had her it was still there just not as intese because of the triedness....Now I am 8 months along with my third and I NO drive at all...My poor husband is wondering what in the world happened? he has to make the first move on now.... SO I am hopping that it will come back after Katie."_

Again - people, physiology and relationships are complicated despite the repeated, cyclonic (loud and insistent etc...) trotting out of MMSL and similar as a one-size-fits-all insta-fix for all (and I mean all) threads and relationships that even hint that sex isn't what they would like and even when the OP states there is no interest in that direction.

"I guess misery really does love company"

puh-lease. If only people would listen, right?


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Amplexor said:


> It gets better again when all the kids have moved out or left for college.


When I left for college, I made my parents promise not to spring me with another sibling. GROSS.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

john_lord_b3 said:


> Yes, this is possible, very much possible, i speak from experience.
> 
> I didn't make love to my wife at all when she got pregnant. I want to make sure the baby is safe and I am more paranoid than her in this regards.
> 
> ...


My mother lost the first two children before me, both boys, thus why my birth was such a massive disappointment.

I'm sorry but I really don't think I can have sex during pregnancy, though of course I may change my mind later.

Something about the idea of ****ing with a baby due north....is just....creepy.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

LittleBird said:


> I'm sorry but I really don't think I can have sex during pregnancy, though of course I may change my mind later.
> 
> Something about the idea of ****ing with a baby due north....is just....creepy.


My H had his only bout with erection problems when I was pregnant with our first. As soon as I started showing, he couldn't keep an erection. I figured it out and just kept my shirt on for a while. I think it took about a month for him to adjust.

For me, pregnant sex was the best ever. I wanted it pretty much every day. H has always had a much lower drive than me, so I didn't get it as often as I wanted. Post baby sex was painful for like a year (and I had c-sections! I think it was the breastfeeding. I didn't get AF back for 2.5 years, and my OB explained that your body goes into a state similar to menopause.)

Pre- and post-baby things quickly went back to a regular 2x a week, which was great because babies/nursing put my libido closer to H's, and I was satisfied with a lower frequency.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

LittleBird said:


> I'm sorry but I really don't think I can have sex during pregnancy, though of course I may change my mind later.
> 
> Something about the idea of ****ing with a baby due north....is just....creepy.


You may find different someday. My wife was very (very) amorous when she was pregnant. She was 'nesting' around the house, we were starting a family after being married for 10 years.. it was a very nice time and impossible to look back on it without smiling. All sorts of unexpected things were happening to her body but I think it was really making her feel like a woman. The fact that it was somethng we purposefully went into together I think also brought us much closer together.

My point being - dont make up your mind beforehand or you could be living a self fulfilling prophesy. You may, in fact... find it one of the better times in your life in many respects. Many do.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

LittleBird said:


> Something about the idea of ****ing with a baby due north....is just....creepy.


yea, creepy indeed!


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

I don't understand most of these comments but to each his own. With a few exceptions sex during pregnancy is proven safe and a healthy part of marriage. Why would anyone willingly deny their spouse. For the men, that bulge is in her belly because u put it there, and that thing u created is unattractive?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Gseries said:


> I don't understand most of these comments but to each his own. With a few exceptions sex during pregnancy is proven safe and a healthy part of marriage. Why would anyone willingly deny their spouse. For the men, *that bulge is in her belly because u put it there, and that thing u created is unattractive?*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, we created it, and certainly we want to _protect_ our baby! Sex during pregnancy is safe, you said? Yea, at that time I was paranoid as paranoid can be, and no way I would test that theory. I was psychologically unable to overcome my fear of endangering my baby. I want that baby to be safe. My wife asked for PIV several times at that time, and I didn't comply. Not once I complied. Maybe it was a wrong idea, but it certainly felt like a good idea at that time.


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## Zerb (Aug 24, 2012)

And then to fuel the MMSL theories (though extrinsic to the immediate topic of post baby sex):

More housework, less sex for married men: study - FRANCE 24


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

northernlights said:


> I didn't get AF back for 2.5 years, and my OB explained that your body goes into a state similar to menopause.


2.5 years??? I would have LOVED no AF for that long! I, too, had c-sections and breastfed each. I ended up with periods every other week. I was on the mini-pill, and I know it can go either way: breakthrough bleeding or no periods. But not me! Nope, I had to be one of those who got EXTRA bleeding. Just one more example of how different each of us is.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

john_lord_b3 said:


> Yes, we created it, and certainly we want to _protect_ our baby! Sex during pregnancy is safe, you said? Yea, at that time I was paranoid as paranoid can be, and no way I would test that theory. I was psychologically unable to overcome my fear of endangering my baby. I want that baby to be safe. My wife asked for PIV several times at that time, and I didn't comply. Not once I complied. Maybe it was a wrong idea, but it certainly felt like a good idea at that time.


I'm not even pregnant yet and I'm hyper maternal, I've literally planned everything to the last detail.

Maybe it is wrong but good to know I'm not alone.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

LittleBird said:


> When I left for college, I made my parents promise not to spring me with another sibling. GROSS.


lol my mums baby is due in 2 months.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

john_lord_b3 said:


> Yes, we created it, and certainly we want to _protect_ our baby! Sex during pregnancy is safe, you said? Yea, at that time I was paranoid as paranoid can be, and no way I would test that theory. I was psychologically unable to overcome my fear of endangering my baby....


Just saying. Totally ridiculous.

Sex during pregnancy: What's OK, what's not - MayoClinic.com

Pregnancy and Sex : American Pregnancy Association


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

anotherguy said:


> That link is not all that different than what you see here... different people talking about their own experiences - suggesting solutions. I think its misleading to suggest that is is simply a pool of wallowing misery and complaints... they are people looking for answers.


I see a big difference between the two boards. On that forum, I read halfway through the comments and found three posts that could, in any way, be construed as offering advice on solving the problem. The rest were simple chiming in to acknowledge the problem, or deny that the commenter had experienced the problem. Perhaps that is the way they look for answers. I just don't see it as being effective.



anotherguy said:


> Again - people, physiology and relationships are complicated despite the repeated, cyclonic (loud and insistent etc...) trotting out of MMSL and similar as a one-size-fits-all insta-fix for all (and I mean all) threads and relationships that even hint that sex isn't what they would like and even when the OP states there is no interest in that direction.


I understand your nearly religious belief that people are like snowflakes. Every person is completely unique and individual. Tastes, preferences, and habits can't possibly be generalized or predicted. The 16 Myers-Briggs personality types are woefully inadequate. There are actually billions of personality types. One for each person.

I'll just state, again, that I disagree. People are just people. We're not that mysterious. We like chocolate. We hate Brussels sprouts. We seek to enjoy pleasure and avoid pain. Women tend to be attracted to sexy men. And there are certain traits that most women tend to find sexy. It's just the sad truth of the world.

I'm still trying to get my business off the ground writing romance novels featuring beta-heavy heroes (or anti-heroes). I just can't seem to find any investors. It seems like, out of all those billions of personality types, there should be at least several hundred million women lusting over fat, shy, insecure, poor men, right? But all my manuscripts to the publishers just come back rejected.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

If my husband refused PIV during my pregnancy our house would have be introduced to a massive influx of toys lol no way I could of handled that.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> 2.5 years??? I would have LOVED no AF for that long! I, too, had c-sections and breastfed each. I ended up with periods every other week. I was on the mini-pill, and I know it can go either way: breakthrough bleeding or no periods. But not me! Nope, I had to be one of those who got EXTRA bleeding. Just one more example of how different each of us is.


It was fantastic. I'm a heavy bleeder, so for once in my life I wasn't anemic. Of course, she was nursing a ton, and didn't stop until almost 4. There's a price for everything!


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Zerb said:


> And then to fuel the MMSL theories (though extrinsic to the immediate topic of post baby sex):
> 
> You r correct.....dragged away from your original question. Since I already answered that...have u tried scheduled time? Is that so bad to dedicate one night a week for romance? Give u something to look forward to.
> [url=http:/


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

northernlights said:


> It was fantastic. I'm a heavy bleeder, so for once in my life I wasn't anemic. Of course, she was nursing a ton, and didn't stop until almost 4. There's a price for everything!


LOL! Mine nursed for 2 years. Sadly, periods the whole time lol. And they were nursing a lot too. We even co-slept >.>


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

john_lord_b3 said:


> Yes, we created it, and certainly we want to _protect_ our baby! Sex during pregnancy is safe, you said? Yea, at that time I was paranoid as paranoid can be, and no way I would test that theory. I was psychologically unable to overcome my fear of endangering my baby. I want that baby to be safe. My wife asked for PIV several times at that time, and I didn't comply. Not once I complied. Maybe it was a wrong idea, but it certainly felt like a good idea at that time.


Now, you know better for future reference, right? If she wants sex...don't deny her, unless the DOCTOR or MIDWIFE says it is unsafe!


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Well, it has been a while. She had our first baby at 16, 41 years ago. She did not have a C-section and for all three had a relatively easy delivery (the last one was 1-1/2 hours from the start of labor to delivery). As I recall, as soon as we got the green light from the Dr, we went straight home and went at it. I don't remember frequency, but I am sure it suffered some. New baby's tend to do that. I doubt, however, that it dropped to less than once a week. To be sure, at that time once a week felt like no sex to me, but I am sure it was not that bad. 

Some suggestions: although it is normal to keep the baby close while nursing during the night, make sure the baby does not get used to sleeping in your bed. We used a bassinet for a few months, but the baby went to his own room as soon as practical. 

As children grow, teach them that your room is private and for them to knock. Lock the door when you want some privacy. 

One of the best things for kids is for them to see parents that are madly in love with each other.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Our sex life was never the same after our son was born... We didn't have sex for over a year... During the last few months of my pregnancy up until our son was about 6 months old. We had sex once in over a year. I wanted sex, he didn't.. 

Things have not returned to "normal" and I don't think they ever will.

My OB even told my husband for us to have sex, to get the labor started and my husband refused. I had to be induced!!


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Amplexor said:


> It gets better again when all the kids have moved out or left for college.


True...but the better for us was more that we could be naked or make love anywhere any time. It is great! That being said, we had plenty of sex while the kids were growing up.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

LittleBird said:


> My mother lost the first two children before me, both boys, thus why my birth was such a massive disappointment.
> 
> I'm sorry but I really don't think I can have sex during pregnancy, though of course I may change my mind later.
> 
> Something about the idea of ****ing with a baby due north....is just....creepy.


We never thought it was creepy at all. Sex is a beautiful thing. There is no way it will harm the baby unless there is a problem with the pregnancy and the Dr advises against it.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> Now, you know better for future reference, right? If she wants sex...don't deny her, unless the DOCTOR or MIDWIFE says it is unsafe!


guilty as charged, madame. Notes taken.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

ladybird said:


> Our sex life was never the same after our son was born... We didn't have sex for over a year... During the last few months of my pregnancy up until our son was about 6 months old. We had sex once in over a year. I wanted sex, he didn't..


So sorry to hear that Mrs Ladybird. I hope you two could find a way to reawaken the fire.

I could relate to this, I didn't have any drive for a full year, maybe more, after my son was born. To this day I am still apologizing to my wife about that. I believe that was because at that time I was in "Papa" mode, and thus I also saw her as "Mamma Mode", not "Wife Mode". I did not realize that I was setting up such modes in my head, subconsciously, until my wife complained.


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