# How a seemingly minor incident between adult kids has ruined our marriage



## iowagal (Dec 31, 2010)

My husband and I have been married 12 years. we both had children from our previous marriages; all are adult except for his youngest, who is a jr in HS. When we got married, we married not only each other, but our children as well. We have always treated the boys, (5, which we had custody of, 3 of mine and 2 of his) as our own. My youngest is now 24 and his middle is 21. Both of them have given us trouble, in trouble with the law, disrepecting the stepparent, some of it was very serious. It was very difficult, but we managed to forgive and get on with life. In Oct, I planned to take a trip to Houston, 1100 miles away to see my 6 month old grandbabies. My husband had been acting distant for weeks; I had no idea why, but thought that maybe he was coming around to again trying to make me happy. I lost my job and the trip was in jeopardy. In order to allow me to still go, he decided not to take any unpaid time off from his job and asked my son and his to accompany me, with each of them pitching in some gas money. while we were there the two of them got into a pushing match, they tipped the kitchen table upside down and I was horrified, as was the DIL we were visiting. I went in there to pull them apart, the stepson pulled his hand back as if to strike me but he didnt. My DIL called my son and he asked us to leave, which I do not blame him one little bit. I packed everything up, and asked the boys to do the same but the stepson took off, after yelling at me that I wasnt his mom, I couldnt tell him what to do. He also informed me that he didnt care how we got home he wasnt getting one dime from him. (I paid for everything to that point, he was going to pay for part of the gas home)My husband called me and was asking me what happened and I told him. he asked where his son was and I had no Idea.. he took off. I told him we were asked to leave and he said what about his son? I was VERY angry. angry at two young men who couldnt act like adults, I was humiliated and embarrassed they had detroyed my daughter in laws kitchen In high anger, I said I was leaving in 30 minutes with or without his son. and I didnt say it nicely at all. In the meantime, cooler heads were starting to prevail. My son called and told me he overreacted and he wanted us to stay. DIL said we should work this out. Son took responsibility for his actions. we were waiting for stepson to come back so we could talk to him. Stepson nowhere to be found. 30 minutes later I got a call from my husband saying that the step son called him saying everyone was picking on him and he wanted to fly home, would he buy him a ticket, since it would be too uncomfortable for him to ride home with us. Ken said yes and did so, without calling me to see if anything had been resolved or to get a grownups view on things. This, of course is going to make matters worse, because he is leaving under such a bad condition and will solve nothing other than allow him to run away, a trick he has perfected. It upset me that my husband would not talk to me first and I said " that was the stupidest thing you have ever done. DO you have any idea how much worse you have made matters?" He further asked me to take him to the airport, which I flatly refused .He got angry with me and told me to not to bother coming home. In the midst of this call, the stepson comes in and sits down. I cannot hang up on my husband, he just told me to go f** myself and doesnt want me home. Stepson got up went outside and evidently told son and DIL that he tried his hardest but I refused to talk to him. then he left again. I told them I would try to talk to him when he got back. I did and he called me every dirty name in the book. He told me he hated me, hated the fact that i was still married to his dad and would continue to do everything in his power to end our marriage and if he couldnt end it, to make trouble wherever possible. I called my husband back and he wouldnt answer. I called him in the morning and he told me he didnt want me back. I asked him if 12 years of marriage was worth throwing away over something so trivial. He said his feelings were hurt because I called him dumb. I apologized, but he would not accept it. I left that evening, the trip ending in total disaster. When I got home, his position is this. His son called and said he wanted to come home so he got him home, he would not leave him stranded. I told him I wouldnt have left him there, but he threw my angry words in my face. I asked him if is was ok that his son vowed to and indeed leave me stranded? I had to borrow money to get home. He has never told me that was wrong, and said I got home didn't i? He agrees that his son owes me a huge apology, but that is all. He is not holding any consequences over his head. He is mine. today, he imformed me that the only reason he relented and said he wanted me to stay was because I am out of work and he wouldnt throw a crying woman out in the street. He says he doesnt know if he wants this marriage or not and has been saying that for nearly three months. He has not forgiven me whatsoever, nor does he have any intention of doing so. To make matters worse, he has suffered several small strokes last month, so I don't know and he doesn't know what his reality is... all I see is that I have apologized with all that I am, for I truly am sorry i didn't handle things better. He made excuses why we couldnt have thanksgiving here (Health) although he is back to work, or christmas with my family or my kids. He refuses to share anything other than "I am confused" "I dont know what I want". I am scared about his health condition, since the prognosis for future stokes is high, I have had to quit smoking, I am walking on eggshells, I am angry that a 56 yearold man had 3 strokes in two weeks and there is nothing they can do for him, and am trying to be loving to am man I know in my heart isnt sure he wants me, so I am not handling his mental lapses well. I have been snappy and he has thrown this back in my face. I apologized for everything, yet again, he said thank you and left. I don't know what to do. I was asked if his affairs are in order by his doctors.. I want whatever time he has left to be happy and stress free, and I cant promise I wont crack. If I leave, I am a heartless b***, not to mention brokenhearted. He wants no intimate contact, not a peck on the cheek or even a hug.. he pulls away. I cant stop crying... all of this over a stupid fight that they are all over with. He wil not forgive me because he thinks I am lying. He said he asked everyone there and they all said that he came out and told them i refused to talk to him, but THEY WEREN"T there. I didnt lie, he knows I am death about lying. so my husband says three to one I lose. I told him if he hadnt bought that ticket he would have been forced to talk to me, but he refuses to acknowledge it was wrong.. his son asked for help and he would do it again no matter what. As far as I am concerned, the young man is dead to me, and my husband knows it. How long do I give him to decide what he wants? How long do I wait before everyone in this small town wont think the worst of me for leaving if I have to? It is the last thing I want. I want my marriage back. I mentioned therapy but he says he has too much on his plate right now, and it is not a priority for him. I have to tell you, if he dies today, I cannot possibly hurt any worse.


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## Tiredspouse0297 (Dec 9, 2010)

I'm so sorry. What a terrible situation. However, from what you said, how he had been distant before the trip and his over-the-top reaction to a fairly small family dispute, I'd say he was already thinking about separating before the trip. Seems the argument was just an excuse to use to say what he had already been thinking. I could be wrong but that's the impression I got.


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## lucky007 (Dec 30, 2010)

Going through the teenage years is tough, so what happened recently with the children is too minor to be the real issue. You can't change someone else, and you can't worry about what others think. 
Your children are grown, and able to take care of themselves. Your husband is making his wishes pretty clear. Perhaps you should think about what's in your best interest. What makes you happy?


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