# Please help! What would you do?



## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

I've posted a lot on this forum about my marriage and problems I've faced with it, but when it comes right down to it, this is the real issue behind all the other problems we've come across. This is the root of it all. I need advice, help and guidance. So please take the time to read the following and respond if you think you can help.
After talking to my family and the people I've kept close relationships for years, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm doing the right thing. He's an alcoholic and I have lots of unanswered questions. Parents with grown children... you're the ones I'm really looking to for advice.

My husband and I are divorcing after a year. When we met I drank too, as a regular kind of party girl. I was young and didn't realize the damage that I was doing to myself, and those around me until I was about 25, and then finally I woke up and quit. Just like that I went many months without a drink and have not looked back since. (That was over 2 years ago). Anytime that I have slipped I have regret it horribly. Granted I was not an alcoholic by definition, but I was one of those drinkers who doesn't know when to stop. You couldn't get me to go to bed. I'd have emotional episodes and I nearly lost my husband (while he was still my live-in boyfriend) because of my drunken behavior. So I quit, I loved him so much that any amount of partying and fun was not worth it. I'm very glad i quit. It's benefited me in SOOO many ways. I know he sees this, and at first he was happier that I quit. Grateful even.

Now the real issue is. We've been together over 5. His drinking has steadily increased over these 5 years. Currently he drinks daily, by himself. Every night he goes to the liquor store after work and buys either 2 40oz beers or a 6-pack, plus 2 small shooter bottles. Sometimes he'll get a 12-pack on his weekend and drink all 12 in less than 36 hours. Then need to go get more. He generally saves one of his beers for the next morning to slam before he goes to work. I assume if he doesn't have one in the house he leaves early, to go get one before he goes in to work each night. He stays up very late sometimes 6-7 AM and sleeps late everyday. He's never missed a day of work, but everything else in his life has been strained. He rarely speaks with his family, and when he does he lies and hides the truth. They have no idea that he is an alcoholic. He has admitted it to me on many occasions that it scares him, but not recently. Now the closest person to him in his life, the only one that really knows about his alcoholism is being forced out too. I'm not looking to save my marriage anymore, I'm more worried about him. I'm scared for him. The disease is controlling him, and he wants to run away with his tail between his legs and hide from everything and get ****faced drunk every night without an qualms from anyone. I've tried to not be an enabler, but I've stopped trying to confront him or control him about his alcohol abuse. 

I used to have a close relationship to his sister, but she also got involved with an alcoholic who has since recovered and is doing well. While he was still using he would lie to her about it, and she believed him. I stepped in and she never forgave me for that. She didn't believe me when I confronted her with the truth. Ever since then she has not really liked me, even though I was marrying her brother. I have no doubt that if I went to her, she would simply brush it aside again, even though obviously I was right the first time. She never did give me credit for that. Still holds a grudge for sticking my nose in. 
He has two other sisters. One I don't know very well, about as well as I know his parents (They are all Mormons). The other I lived with and I know will listen, but I'm pretty sure that she will believe his lies over my truth when it comes right down to it. However, I could still go one more route and talk directly to his parents about how worried I am. But is it my place to do this? Not only may I completely destroy their relationship with their son, but mine as well, and then there will be no one left to help him. Like I said he would rather just run and hide and bask in his disease. Do I intervene, and go to his family and say I'm worried about him? Do I keep it to myself and hope that one day in the future he'll come to and realize he's killing himself? They say an alcoholic's recovery can only come from themselves. I don't know what to do. I care about him immensely. He is/was my husband, and I will always love him. He is not good for me right now, and he's not willing to snap out of it himself. He's decided that the alcohol is much more important than anything, except making the money that buys him that alcohol. I really need some help. I'm the only one who knows about his disease first hand. I've told others, and they too don't know what to do for him. They have made the suggestion that I get his family involved too. Because if something bad did happen... I'd be responsible because I'm the only one that knows.

(Currently he is in the shower, hungover, with the intent to go and get more beer first thing).


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Look, there's nothing wrong trying to help someone else, even in the final throes of divorce.

Make it clear to his parents and sisters that the divorce is because of his drinking. Period. If they can't understand how bad it has become when a wife divorces her husband over it, they never will.

Congrats on your stopping. I think it saved me, too.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

Hunt Brown said:


> you are divorcing. this isn't your issue except as it relates to the kids. the divorce decree should address his drinking problem. let it go in your personal life.


Honestly, I had to look up the word Decree in the dictionary. Shows how much I know about getting a divorce.

Strangely I think he feels guilty about what he did. He's been sober 2 days now, I can't remember the last time that happened. 

I've decided that it will just seem vengeful to try and place any sort of responsibility on his parents or sisters. It would only relieve me of any guilt if something did happen. He is an adult. He'll have to deal with the consequences if something were to happen to him. I'll be there for him if he needs support, but I have to wash my hands of him and his addiction. I see that now. I've decided to allow him to be his own worst enemy, because no one is going to change him except him.


I was simply rationalizing it by thinking, if he were my son (which I don't have) I would want to know. 

Hunt- I will definitely make sure my decree does stipulate that alcohol is a reason for divorce, instead of irreconcilable differences.


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