# Cannot decide if should get rid of her?



## AlphaNUMC (Oct 23, 2011)

My story:

I live in Dubai and am 39 years old man, indian by origin and have been married for a second time.( arranged marriage)

In beginning i had good times, like i used to feel young once again like i was a teenager and used to enjoy going out with her / movies/ parks etc. But after 6 months things started to turn ugly. I don't know what happened to her...

I am seperated at the moment because we had issues. She is 24 years old. She is un-matured, has no respect for me or anyone in my family or in her family, She doesn't like to listen to me at all or any advice given to her. instead she is always finding some of my faults and provides me advice. 

5 times she has threatened / she has packed her bag to go back to her native place which is 'Mumbai'(India) (her parent's house) for small arguments and ( since i was living in joint family) my father and mom made her to change her mind. She is always insulting me inspite of helping her, buying for whatever she wants and fulfilling her all requirements (tech toys like iphone/ipods/jewellery/ clothes etc) 

Sex was not that enjoyable but was not that bad either. I am by profession a ethical hacker and sometime i come home late night and then she gets mad at me, insults me, tell me i had sex with my secretary in my office . Then in the morning she forgets how she treated me and then makes good breakfast and talk sweet words calling me in afternoon lunch break.... 

There are some things which i like her to do. Like taking shower everyday, read some good books, stop watching crazy T.V soap operas, do some exercise, please keep the bathroom clean, use hair-remover regularly, ( i sometimes freak out in bed), i also tell her to look good( put some lipstick/makeup etc), wear some decent womenly clothes instead of wearing pants all the time, some other things like staying awake whole night to finish 2 movies non-stop(DVDs)..., cooking a meal in night etc. 

But instead ...she will find some of my faults and complains : " I am always glued to my laptop" " I come home everyday late" "i have too many freinds& calls" " i have no time for my wife" She complains about me to my dad,mom, my elder brother who is USA citizen and tries to screw my respect infront of them now and then. Everyone in my family knew that she is problem creator and doesnt like to live in peace/harmony. 

But in last 8 months this thing continued again and again, every week we have heated arguments on silly things out of nowhere. Then came a time i was thinking on how to get rid of her. And one fine morning
she herself decided that wanted to go to India for her brother's engagement. So I supplied air-tickets and dropped her off to the airport. I came home and i was so much at peace. I thought let her relax there with her parents for some while... and maybe she will get better.

Now while she left to India , I got a contract H!B Visa to work here in USA for security frameworks for leading security company.now its 6 months i am here. And she wants to join me here with me. But i see from talks(when we call each other) that she hasnot changed much.

Mostly my family is pushing me for divorce. And some other relatives of mine in USA are telling me to stay away from this kind of arrogant character(wife) since I could be in problem if neighbours complained or i could be falsely accused of domestic violence...and be in prison someday. 

I actually don't know what to do. And its been 8 months since we have been seperated and sometimes I feel she deserves a second chance.

Not only that but sometimes i dont know why i miss her although she has hurted me constantly and also tried to defame me infront of my family. My mind cannot really decide if should or should I not divorce her. 

My company has already offered me a flat in apartment and a car but i chose to stay at my brother's house. but house/flat/money is not an issue at the moment.

At the moment i am staying and eating in my brother's house temporary and he has warned me that if i bring my wife here to USA then i will have to get out of his house and as well as his life. He or my dad will no longer maintain any relation with me in future.

All my family hate her. She has bad tongue and sometimes if she is angry she swears a lot.

I think they all are right because i warned my wife several time to behave properly and dont talk bad words when you get angry. 

Sometimes my wife will get jealous if she see me talking to some of my beautiful cousins and then make a big fuss about it at home. She will not try to look good, look beautiful but as well she will not like me talking to any good looking females. She will also not try to impress me in bed or even take a shower before sex. She will turn 'ON' the lights and tell me" I want to make sure you are thinking of me while you have SEX and of no one else"

My wife major problem is something similiar to the 'Borderline Personality Disorder" , i.e if things are good everything is okay but if things are bad then she will break loose and create chaos. Like even breaking some of my stuff.. 

But although all this I feel like there is a soft side to her heart and perhaps I should give her another chance. By the way she is good cook and I enjoy eating the food she cooks. Enjoy her massage. She is a also good creative artist, and paints on canvas like a professional. But the truth is also that she doesn't like to learn something new, or read books or gain knowledge or hone her skills on what she knows.

I am so confused I reallt dont know. Her father called me 5 days back when i was in a very important conference meeting with my lead team and told me "Do you want my daughter back? Or You want to Divocre Her?"

So now its all upto me to decide. I really don't know. When i want to divorce her now I am suprisingly thinking of some of the good memories we had.
And then somedays i think i want to get rid of her. Why i feel like this? I mean is it because I am lonely here? Or since here have no freinds?

But i know that if get divorced i dont have it me to again re-marry or date another women in near future. Its all over with any new woman coming in my life.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

1) You two need marriage counselling.
2) You need individual counseling to deal with some issues of your own because you're wayyyyy too controlling of her.

You can't turn her into what you want her to be. She's not a puppet. She's a person. If you have a problem with how she looks, you should TALK TO HER about it gently and kindly. Let her see what's going on.

Take her to get a makeover and see if she likes it. Be supportive. Telling her off in bed is the worst thing you can do. Most women want to please their men, just like most men want to please their women. But you're not being loving. You're treating her like an object.

And, you don't seem to be indicating what you are doing to make her happy or meet her needs, just complaining that she's not good enough a wife-object.

Also, she doesn't seem too happy with you. But...a lot of this is just because you guys aren't really connecting very well. Maybe you have different ideas of what marriage is supposed to be like.

If you're not happy with her and she is not happy with you, then get divorced. But, talk to her about your problems, first.

Desi families tend to cause lots of problems, even when they don't mean to. They care and they can be smothering. Sounds like both of your families are controlling. You two need to figure out what you want, independent of them. And you need to learn how to talk to each other about your needs.

Try the Marriage Builders website for some tips on how to talk about your emotional needs.

Arranged marriage or not, you should learn some communication skills. DON'T jump into another marriage until you learn how to figure this out a bit or you'll have the same stuff going on again.

Don't give up. There's hope.


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## h0pe (Oct 29, 2011)

What? How is asking a person to be clean before sex, maintain a clean house and try to look attractive "controlling"??? He is just stating preferences, as is his right. 

It sounds like the wife has serious self-esteem issues, accusing the husband of having affairs with the secretary, being suspicious of his cousins, keeping the lights on during sex so that he doesnt think of someone else.

Diagnosis: DOOOOOMED. She is immature and until faced with the consequences of her choices will not change. Maybe his absence will give her time to reflect. Try a "date" but dont bring her to USA! I agree with the brother: I would not want to live with a harpy like that either! 

Good luck AlphaNUMC. But there are plenty of nice girls in USA.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

15 years is a big difference in age.

She's is still learning about life and the world. And you should be much further along that stage.

As an arranged marriage, there may not be any love in the foundation to build up the marriage. Or, at least the lack of love (or respect) does not show through in your post.


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