# I wasn't always shy so why now?



## undercover (Nov 2, 2010)

I'm new to this forum so hello everybody, I hope that I might gain some useful insights from other's experience.

I met my husband two years ago and we married in July. Before we met I hadn't had a relationship or sex for three years. Previous to this I had several serious relationships and sex had never been an issue, I was always open with my partners, never found communication a problem and could always express what I wanted in the bedroom as well as feeling comfortable when asked by them to try new things.

Now, I seem to have a problem. My husband is a wonderful caring, considerate man and I fancy him like mad. However, somewhere along the line I have become shy and reserved about sex and it seems to be getting worse. He doesn't seem to like talking about sex and when we do make love it is mechanical and routine. I have explained how I feel but nothing is changing.

Example: He refers to love making as 'having a rest'. We get home from work, sit on the sofa and discuss our days, we are always close at this point and holding hands. He will then say 'do you want a rest?' We go upstairs, undress on seperate sides of the bed and get under the covers.

I have tried sending him suggestive text messages to spice things up a bit and build some tension but I usually get a joke by way of reply. I now feel as though my sexual confidence is ebbing away and don't quite know where to turn......... any help and advice greafully received.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

undercover said:


> Now, I seem to have a problem. My husband is a wonderful caring, considerate man and I fancy him like mad. However, somewhere along the line I have become shy and reserved about sex and it seems to be getting worse. He doesn't seem to like talking about sex and when we do make love it is mechanical and routine. I have explained how I feel but nothing is changing.
> 
> Example: He refers to love making as 'having a rest'. We get home from work, sit on the sofa and discuss our days, we are always close at this point and holding hands. He will then say 'do you want a rest?' We go upstairs, undress on seperate sides of the bed and get under the covers.


I take it your husband is NOT experienced, maybe YOU are his 1st ?? Does he have a religious background -that maybe has skewed with this head, not wanting to appear too lustful or too selfish in the bedroom, some repression , so he is having a hard time expressing his desires?? Never heard of anyone calling it a "rest" , that's an original. 

And beings with your past, you had other men LEAD in a more flirting aggressive manner than your husband is doing, this helped you open up sexually -loose some of those inhibitions. NOw you find yourself with a quiet controlled husband, you have never been in such a situation , now you find yourself dumbfounded, and you don't want to hurt his feelings by saying anything in comparison?? 

Does any of this make sense ? I am only guessng of coarse. I was my husband's 1st, he was mine, we never really talked about sex either, what a shame that was. I was too religious, he was too passive. Bad mix. 

If you have asked him why he doesn't like talking about sex, what is his answer?


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

maybe he saw you were like that in the begining and we all hold back in the start off a new relationship and we get comfortable to a new person and change after a few years we change again its not a bad thing i dont know what to tell you everyone is different my h and i meet when we were 12 13 and didnt know any better than to tell everything but it was just something we had we joke we were twins in a past life and had 13 years to catch up on people are diff but maybe he thinks married people act accordingly and are prim and proper just start talking about whats on your mind he will be weirded out but will come around to who you really are and good topic of talk religon my guy friend had a lot of crazy ideals about marriage and would try to impose it on us m dont talk m dont have sex not good any way m dont watch the same tv prog ever thing changes for the worst and at some point he told me he thinks of us as other coupledom hes a dummy and he is learning m is fun not bad
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## undercover (Nov 2, 2010)

Thank you both for your insights. I think there is something for me to take from both although he is not really a religious man he is very respectful of me and my feelings. I have definitely been used to men who will lead and yes I wouldn't for the world want to hurt his feelings.

Although he has had plenty of girlfriends in the past I don't think that he has explored beyond the basics of love making. He is a little evasive when I ask him about past girlfriends.

I talked to him openly last night and he claims to not mind talking about sex but doesn't really know what I expect from him.

Maybe it is a case of me taking a little charge for a while. slowly slowly catchy monkey and all that.

I have thought of a little game that maybe offers a solution without being outright demanding but can give us both a chance to voice our desires in a fun and non-confrontational way. Has anyone tried this? ........... Love tokens ......... one for each of us per week to be used as and when, so just those nights (to start with) are more adventurous. We can use them to ask the other for something we like for example: for me I would start by asking him to undress me while kissing, caressing or make love in a different room of the house and for him he may like me to wear something that turns him on.

I don't know really but worth a try as everything else between us is so good.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

yes me and the h tried but never rem whos turn it was you always want it to be your turn lol gave up and just started talking and go with the flow
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