# My wife's new male friend.



## Tb760

It's 4 a.m as I'm writing this. About two months ago my wife has became a friend with a male co worker (me and my wife work for the same company. Different department) that we both know. Nice guy. I would never feel like he could be a threat to my marriage. 
As they became closer friends at work she asked what I thought about her making him her friend (as she lacks friends) and I told her that's fine, but it would be a little weird to just start a 1 on 1 friendship with a single guy from the get go. She told me he invited her to the fair with other co-workers and she was thinking about it, but I worked that day and we have 2 young children. I didn't think much of it at all. There have been no red flags at all. I notice they were texting more frequently. She told me he was asking for advice about a girl he was chasing and she even included me in the convo, asking for my opinion. 
As the days went by I noticed they were texting a lot more and playing words with friends non stop every night together. Then I see him at work and he says hi to me, gives me a fist bump then says "sorry" puts his head down and walks away from me. It was weird. I still dont know what thats about.
That night we go to bed, my daughter wakes us up crying and my wife Checks on her. Idk why I did it, but I reached over and looked at her phone and saw that he text her at 2 am. I pretended to be asleep when she came back in the room and she continued a convo with him thinking I was asleep. This lead me to talk to her about how I didn't like their friendship and she agreed that she wouldn't like it if I were talking to another girl. So I thought we fixed that. Then tonight she fell asleep on the couch and I did it again. Click her phone so her lock screen shows and it's a text from him at 10:30. So I did something I've never done before. I opened her phone and read their conversations. It turns out the 2 am text from him was about the girl he was chasing. Then she responded that our daughter woke her up and she just saw his text. He responds by telling her he just had a dream about her and the dream was very pg. Nothing sexually inapropriate. She didnt open any windows with flirting or anything like that. 
Now the texts after "our talk" about their friendship were her saying she wanted to invite him to dinner at one of her favorite places after work but it would have been out of his way. 
This really bugged me because I told her I was uncomfortable with their situation and 2 days later she's saying she wanted to invite him to dinner. I feel like she's opening opportunity for something/anything? The texts she recieved from him today was pics of his new tattoos. No biggie. 
I know these are just little signs. but she continues to be in contact as if we never had a talk about it. 
I have never been jealous or had these kind of gut feelings I'm having right now in our entire 5 year relationship. I feel like if I don't interfere it can become a big problem. But this is all coming from my gut. And the weird part is I don't know who's at fault and who's initiating.
Do I tell her I looked at her texts? Am I just being paranoid? Is this a legit friendship? He has never said "bring your husband". What next steps do I take?


----------



## Mr.Married

NEVER TELL HER YOU LOOKED AT THE TEXT !!!!!! Just play stupid like everything is just fine.....the truth will reveal itself in time.
If what you really want is the whole truth you need to get "Dr.Fone" software. The more you let on you are uncomfortable, the
more they will get secretive about it. Play stupid.

Or: they are just friends but your wife hasn't set enough boundaries with this guy. Myself I think it is just a little inappropriate 
already, but that is just me


----------



## Mr.Married

If you want to play Magnum P.I. you can put a voice activated recorder in her car.

But Hey.....let's get real here.....Can't you just tell her you are uncomfortable with this whole thing?
If you can't say that then there is already something wrong with your relationship.


----------



## Mr.Married

You can also read the 1000 other stories here on TAM just like yours ....... they never ever ever end well.

Be ready for your wife to stop respecting you soon and the sex is gonna taper off real fast.


----------



## manfromlamancha

This POS is grooming your wife - the "help me chase another girl" is the oldest story in the book. And your wife is starting to do two things which need to stop: 

First, she is starting to keep things from you, sort of lie to you by omission, and develop a more close secretive relationship with this guy. This makes the relationship even more attractive to her because of the buzz of the secrecy added to him grooming her.

Second, she is starting to disregard your requests, openly lie to you about not contacting him, and push boundaries further and further until, as others are saying she crosses a major line. By that time it is too late.


This needs to be nipped in the bud. At the end of the day you cannot make her do anything (nor can you make him do anything for that matter). You can sit her down and tell her that she is openly disregarding what you have to say, she is crossing boundaries and while you cannot make her do anything she doesn't want to, you will not sit by and be openly disrespected in this way. To him, you can say to keep away from your wife but that will make them take it underground. However, if your wife understands that you are not forcing her to do anything but that there will be consequences like you filing for divorce (and you are serious about it and she believes you), she might just wake up and smell the roses. You need to act on this or else it will develop very quickly. Make no mistake about it - this POS is not after some other girl - he is after your wife!


----------



## chillymorn69

Pull this dushbag aside and tell him back off way off.

Tell your wife if she don't quit her friendship with this guy your going to start dating!

If she plans any nights out with him . Get dressed and go out before she can leave you with the kids. Stay out long and don't answer your phone.

Take a nuclear war stance on this or be sorry when you find out there're banging eachother!


----------



## SentHereForAReason

I could be wrong but I wouldn't wait on this one. Usually you wait to get more evidence and I could be wrong, let the VETs weigh in on this but this seems to be at the stage where the EA is just starting, which is where you would want to come in and set the boundaries and ultimatum that this is no longer proper and she has to cease communication with him. She may be upset, she'll say she doesn't have many friends, she will think you are controlling but damn .... this has the makings of where it all starts to go wrong.

Do what you need to do no matter how uncomfortable it's going to be, make you feel and make your wife feel, it needs to be done. If not, you will end up like my situation and so many more on here sadly. Don't just wing it either. Get your thoughts together, how you feel why you think you are doing this and stay firm and strong.


----------



## SunCMars

chillymorn69 said:


> *Pull this dushbag aside and tell him back off way off.
> *


This will do the trick before 'he' does the trick. And she will likely never know you did this, pulled this trick. 

It may be 'too late', but do not be 'too late' in trying.

Waiting for 'bad' to happen, lets bad settle in, lets bad makes its bed in your bed.

Bad wants the good that you have in your wife. Removing that same good, leaving only bad.

Having a bad wife who was once good.

Good, no more.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

This is heading in the wrong direction. Some would put a stop to it right now, demanding she change her behavior. Others would hang back and silently observe just to see exactly what his wife's natural boundaries are. If she's primed and ready for an affair then you want her anyway. Keep monitoring the texts and NEVER let her know you've been doing so.


----------



## eric1

He is grooming her. Period. 

Him asking about relationships makes him a sympathetic figure to her. It also establishes him as a sexual being. He builds her up by saying things that he’s even dreaming of her (and no you never ever turn it sexual at this point). 

He dumps attention on her. Then he starts sloooowly pulling away, perhaps this girl he is chasing starts taking some attention. That’s when your wife will be left with a small emotional void that he’ll then pivot quickly on. It’ll be a long hug, perhaps a somewhat inappropriate kiss on the cheek. At this point he’ll spend a week EXPLODING her with attention. It’s a Pavlovian technique - she gave him that long hug and it turns to attention. Contact -> Attention. He will begin increasing the frequency of contact and also increase the type of attention (dinners, presents, etc).

This could be out of a dictionary. Of course he’s going to be nice to you, how else is he going to fly under the radar?


----------



## ReturntoZero

eric1 said:


> He is grooming her. Period.
> 
> Him asking about relationships makes him a sympathetic figure to her. It also establishes him as a sexual being. He builds her up by saying things that he’s even dreaming of her (and no you never ever turn it sexual at this point).
> 
> He dumps attention on her. Then he starts sloooowly pulling away, perhaps this girl he is chasing starts taking some attention. That’s when your wife will be left with a small emotional void that he’ll then pivot quickly on. It’ll be a long hug, perhaps a somewhat inappropriate kiss on the cheek. At this point he’ll spend a week EXPLODING her with attention. It’s a Pavlovian technique - she gave him that long hug and it turns to attention. Contact -> Attention. He will begin increasing the frequency of contact and also increase the type of attention (dinners, presents, etc).
> 
> This could be out of a dictionary. Of course he’s going to be nice to you, how else is he going to fly under the radar?


And right into her pants.


----------



## Satya

Texting so late at night is highly inappropriate.

You say there were no red flags before but I saw plenty from the get-go. Namely that your wife has no FEMALE friends. 

What everyone is telling you is spot on.


----------



## dadstartingover

*"As they became closer friends at work she asked what I thought about her making him her friend (as she lacks friends)" *

Her: _"Please, husband. Put up boundaries for me. I have no control over myself right now and it's scaring me. Please play bad guy and do it for me."_

You:_ "Nope! I trust you, dear wife! Have fun!"_

Her: _"Dammit. Now I gotta go have an affair. Sigh..."_


----------



## snerg

dadstartingover said:


> *"As they became closer friends at work she asked what I thought about her making him her friend (as she lacks friends)" *
> 
> Her: _"Please, husband. Put up boundaries for me. I have no control over myself right now and it's scaring me. Please play bad guy and do it for me."_
> 
> You:_ "Nope! I trust you, dear wife! Have fun!"_
> 
> Her: _"Dammit. Now I gotta go have an affair. Sigh..."_


QFT

Unbelievable that people can't establish or realize what good boundaries are.


----------



## bandit.45

No game playing. 

Tell her if she doesn’t end this friendship you will be seeing an attorney. She wants to respect you and you keep letting her down.


----------



## VladDracul

_"He responds by telling her he just had a dream about her and the dream was very pg. Nothing sexually inapropriate."_

Yep, the old, "I had a dream about you". Next it will be, "I had a dream we were holding hands", to "I had a dream we kissed" et cetera. By an gradual process of incremental seduc....... Oh what the hell:


----------



## GusPolinski

Sounds like the beginnings of an emotional affair. And, given their proximity to each other, it would very quickly become a physical affair. (And that’s assuming that his “sorry fistbump” amounts to nothing.)

You’d both be better off finding a way to squash this now, lest you have to curbstomp it later.


----------



## tech-novelist

There are enough red flags here to outfit a Communist party convention.

I can't believe that no one has posted the http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html. Do what it says.


----------



## Taxman

If this is not nipped in the bud it will quickly escalate into an emotional affair. Luckily you work with them, and can keep an eye, however, all that means is if this does develop it will go underground. Ask her to end this relationship. She has already gone behind your back, and that in itself is alarming. Tell her in no uncertain terms that this can escalate into an affair, and if so, then the marriage will end, no ifs, no buts. Have her end it.


----------



## Middle of Everything

All good advice here.

I would go with Chillymorn's and blow this **** up now. Its ok to be caveman when needed and say "my woman, not your woman"

I think in MOST cases of opposite sex "friends", at least one of the two IF HONEST would admit to harboring sexual attraction for the other. Add in wanting dinner together and gd texting at 2am? **** that.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

I'd be inclined to see how far she takes it, and what her boundaries really are. Find out if you're married to an adult, and if not, take the appropriate steps to get out of the marriage. Right now you don't trust her. Let her prove that she is trustworthy.


----------



## Um Excuse Me

Dude; I'm not a weather forecaster, but this has Sh*t Storm written all over it. In fact, you urgently need to take a crash course lesson in C**k Blocking.

Man up, stand your ground, and flush this turd down the toilet asap.:bringiton::bringiton:


----------



## Tb760

First I want to thank you all for the replies. Very helpful. My wife noticed me up around 5 am and asked me what's wrong and a spilled the beans. I told her everything except that I read through her texts.
She apologized and said when we talked about other guys that she totally didn't think I was talking about him and that he was a nerdy friend and there is zero signs of flirting or attraction. She offered me to read the texts. I declined (which I regret) and then asked me what should she do about the friendship. I said it was okay, but I'm going to revisit that today and have her set boundaries. 
I also told her if he ever does anything that seems inappropriate, that she must tell me.
Now that she knows it's bugging me to the point of me being up all night, I'm going to see how she moves forward with this friendship. It's hard. A part of me wants to be Rambo and blow everything up and the other part of me wants to see how she acts after our early morning talk.


----------



## Tex X

I would not be ok with this relationship at all if this were my wife. By allowing this relationship to continue, you are really asking for trouble. In no uncertain terms you need to tell her to end it now.


----------



## Middle of Everything

Tb760 said:


> First I want to thank you all for the replies. Very helpful. My wife noticed me up around 5 am and asked me what's wrong and a spilled the beans. I told her everything except that I read through her texts.
> S*he apologized and said when we talked about other guys that she totally didn't think I was talking about him and that he was a nerdy friend and there is zero signs of flirting or attraction.* She offered me to read the texts. I declined (which I regret) and then asked me what should she do about the friendship. I said it was okay, but I'm going to revisit that today and have her set boundaries.
> I also told her if he ever does anything that seems inappropriate, that she must tell me.
> Now that she knows it's bugging me to the point of me being up all night, I'm going to see how she moves forward with this friendship. It's hard. A part of me wants to be Rambo and blow everything up and the other part of me wants to see how she acts after our early morning talk.


TB you seem like a nice guy, but the above made me laugh. Nerdy guys can want to **** your wife too. And it just smells of bs. "OH, when you talked about other guys, I totally didnt think you meant him too" Sure.


----------



## manfromlamancha

I would have turned the question on her. I would have said this: "I cannot make you do anything nor do I want to. Knowing that he is grooming you to try and get into your pants and the fact that it is a real problem for me, what do you think you should do ? What kind of boundaries do you think you need to implement being a married woman around an (albeit nerdy or whatever) aggressive predator who knows how to do this?" And then I would have told her to think about it overnight and come back and tell me what she was going to do in the morning.


----------



## farsidejunky

"He is harmless (nerdy)."

"He is gay."

The two most common descriptions of OM's used by waywards at the start of an emotional affair.


----------



## SentHereForAReason

Tb760 said:


> First I want to thank you all for the replies. Very helpful. My wife noticed me up around 5 am and asked me what's wrong and a spilled the beans. I told her everything except that I read through her texts.
> She apologized and said when we talked about other guys that she totally didn't think I was talking about him and that he was a nerdy friend and there is zero signs of flirting or attraction. She offered me to read the texts. I declined (which I regret) and then asked me what should she do about the friendship. *I said it was okay*, but I'm going to revisit that today and have her set boundaries.
> I also told her if he ever does anything that seems inappropriate, that she must tell me.
> Now that she knows it's bugging me to the point of me being up all night, I'm going to see how she moves forward with this friendship. It's hard. A part of me wants to be Rambo and blow everything up and the other part of me wants to see how she acts after our early morning talk.


It's not and don't feel bad about going back on it. They lost the privilege to text, chat or message each other, it's entered no-no territory for that.


----------



## Um Excuse Me

TB, dude. We're trying to help you. You're walking on thin ice and the longer this goes on, the thinner the ice becomes. This "friendship" she has with this d**k weasel has to end - NOW. Otherwise, next thing you know, he'll be inside of her, and you'll be back in this forum starting a thread called "how could this happen".

Take heed lest he fall.:nono:


----------



## Windwalker

Tb760 said:


> She apologized and said when we talked about other guys that she totally didn't think I was talking about him and that he was a nerdy friend and there is zero signs of flirting or attraction.
> 
> Downplaying your concerns. Not a way to have a productive discussion. She's digging the attention and you are allowing it by not playing the bad guy.
> 
> She offered me to read the texts. I declined (which I regret) and then asked me what should she do about the friendship. I said it was okay, but I'm going to revisit that today and have her set boundaries.
> 
> Now you look "wishy washy" by lieing about how you feel about the situation and then turn around and bringing it back up. A sign of indecisiveness, and a major display of weakness.
> 
> I also told her if he ever does anything that seems inappropriate, that she must tell me.
> 
> You really expect this to happen? She is already disregarding your feelings. You really expect her to follow through with this?
> 
> Now that she knows it's bugging me to the point of me being up all night, I'm going to see how she moves forward with this friendship. It's hard. A part of me wants to be Rambo and blow everything up and the other part of me wants to see how she acts after our early morning talk.
> 
> The Rambo comment is the only sensible thing I have heard you say.


This douche bag is grooming her. She's letting him because you won't enforce boundaries she has almost blatantly asked you to do. As someone else said, you need to learn the art of **** blocking.

Texting at 2am? Not in my world, EVER!


----------



## Tb760

You guys are right. And as a disclaimer we had our talk before I came back and read all these responses. What I'm going to do is tell her that I do want to read the 2 am text I know about. Then I will come across his text about his dream and I will go from there.
Ive been the other guy a couple times in my life and I know the game and I know how easy it is


----------



## eric1

Good call.

Extra credit if the texts are deleted already


----------



## Taxman

So, she knows that it is upsetting you. Now, you need to be doubly vigilant. If this is heading in the wrong direction, you can be assured that the phone will suddenly get a passcode along with her computer. Watch for this. Check the phone regularly for new apps. If you can, watch her body language when she talks to him, according to a few things that I have read, look for the "lean in" when they talk, she will put her head closer to him if she is attracted. In any event, set some fairly stringent boundaries: I suggest no time alone. No lunches alone. No car time alone. They talk at work, and phone contact after work hours should be curtailed. Be honest. Tell her that this behavior leads to affairs. You will get the, "What? Don't you trust me?" I got that from my wife once a long time ago, and I shot back: "I trust you fine, it is all the guys around you I don't trust."


----------



## Tex X

I think it's a bad idea to reveal what you know at this point. If she is determined then she will just go underground and it will be much harder for you to get information. You currently have the upper hand here by being able to access her phone. Demand that the relationship stops, then keep a close eye on her actions and text/social media interactions.


----------



## anchorwatch

Tb760 said:


> First I want to thank you all for the replies. Very helpful. My wife noticed me up around 5 am and asked me what's wrong and a spilled the beans. I told her everything except that I read through her texts.
> She apologized and said when we talked about other guys that she totally didn't think I was talking about him and that he was a nerdy friend and there is zero signs of flirting or attraction. She offered me to read the texts. I declined (which I regret) and then asked me what should she do about the friendship. I said it was okay, but I'm going to revisit that today and have her set boundaries.
> I also told her if he ever does anything that seems inappropriate, that she must tell me.
> Now that she knows it's bugging me to the point of me being up all night, I'm going to see how she moves forward with this friendship. It's hard. A part of me wants to be Rambo and blow everything up and the other part of me wants to see how she acts after our early morning talk.












Texting day and night... even from home with you there... hiding it? What nonsense is this? 

You and your W are clueless. He's only there for her for one reason. 

Get rid of this orbiter. Do it now, Nice Guy, before it gets any harder.


----------



## Um Excuse Me

Taxman said:


> So, she knows that it is upsetting you. Now, you need to be doubly vigilant. If this is heading in the wrong direction, you can be assured that the phone will suddenly get a passcode along with her computer. Watch for this. Check the phone regularly for new apps. If you can, watch her body language when she talks to him, according to a few things that I have read, look for the "lean in" when they talk, she will put her head closer to him if she is attracted. In any event, set some fairly stringent boundaries: I suggest no time alone. No lunches alone. No car time alone. They talk at work, and phone contact after work hours should be curtailed. Be honest. Tell her that this behavior leads to affairs. You will get the, "What? Don't you trust me?" I got that from my wife once a long time ago, and I shot back: "I trust you fine, it is all the guys around you I don't trust."


Yes, and watch for her taking her phone with when she goes to the bathroom. Up your game and stick it right up his a**.


----------



## Suspicious1

Pictures of hos new tattoo is a huge deal, it implies so many innuendos.

Late night texting!
She invites nerdy boy for dinner, wtf.
You can't be the cool husban in all this, no way.

Shutter down, simple.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## sokillme

Tb760 said:


> You guys are right. And as a disclaimer we had our talk before I came back and read all these responses. What I'm going to do is tell her that I do want to read the 2 am text I know about. Then I will come across his text about his dream and I will go from there.
> Ive been the other guy a couple times in my life and I know the game and I know how easy it is


Unless she deleted it.


----------



## sokillme

Tb760 said:


> Ive been the other guy a couple times in my life and I know the game and I know how easy it is


Now I don't feel so bad for you.


----------



## Um Excuse Me

Tb760 said:


> Ive been the other guy a couple times in my life and I know the game and I know how easy it is


Karma Dude, just saying. :iagree:


----------



## Yeswecan

Tb760 said:


> I have never been jealous or had these kind of *gut feelings *I'm having right now in our entire 5 year relationship.


Trust your gut. It ain't never wrong. Your W is being groomed. Your W is enjoying the attention and basically on the cusp of an EA. Stop it now before it gets physical.


----------



## Um Excuse Me

.....


----------



## sokillme

Yeswecan said:


> Trust your gut. It ain't never wrong. Your W is being groomed. Your W is enjoying the attention and basically on the cusp of an EA. Stop it now before it gets physical.


How do we know his gut feelings aren't because he has been "the other guy"? No honor among thieves and such.


----------



## As'laDain

ah, the "help me chase another woman" move. 

allow me to translate:

"help me get into your panties by telling me exactly how to push all your buttons"


----------



## CTPlay

This is nuts. I'm so sorry you are in this position. 

I'm throwing this out there, but I'd say you go to marriage counselling. If the answer is no, problem time. 

She knows texting is wrong and she thinks that by asking you permission and getting to know the guy is textbook. I question the character of your wife.


----------



## Yeswecan

Tb760 said:


> First I want to thank you all for the replies. Very helpful. My wife noticed me up around 5 am and asked me what's wrong and a spilled the beans. I told her everything except that I read through her texts.
> *She apologized and said when we talked about other guys that she totally didn't think I was talking about him and that he was a nerdy friend and there is zero signs of flirting or attraction.* She offered me to read the texts. I declined (which I regret) and then asked me what should she do about the friendship. I said it was okay, but I'm going to revisit that today and have her set boundaries.
> I also told her if he ever does anything that seems inappropriate, that she must tell me.
> Now that she knows it's bugging me to the point of me being up all night, I'm going to see how she moves forward with this friendship. It's hard. A part of me wants to be Rambo and blow everything up and the other part of me wants to see how she acts after our early morning talk.


I call BS on this. Your W knew exactly what blowhard you were talking about. I'm sorry man, wives don't text at 2 am with OM unless there is something brewing if not already going on.


----------



## Yeswecan

sokillme said:


> How do we know his gut feelings aren't because he has been "the other guy"? No honor among thieves and such.


Did not read that far ahead concerning the other guy. But, yeah, the gut will know for this and the W not acting right.


----------



## VladDracul

You know what your trying to do TB. Youre trying to act cool and not threatened by your old lady's friendship. Your coming across as a stooge that goes along to get along.


----------



## Tb760

Well I just had another talk with her before I left for work. I told her that the 2 a.m text was still bothering me and asked if I can see it. She handed me her phone without hesitation or attitude. I scrolled through her texts and mentioned the dream part and told her that's not okay. She didn't understand, but said okay. I did the whole shoe on the other foot speech and told her it bothered me.i told her she needs to set boundaries and not allow these late night texts from him or any guy. She reassured me that our marriage and family is way more important then her friendship with him and would never cheat on me or hurt our family. She also agreed to set boundaries. 
She is taken back by my emotions because I never act like this. I told her the last time I had a gut feeling like this was 15 years ago, I went to a former gf house and caught her cheating on 
me. 
I feel better now. I do believe her, but I also believe she is naive. When we first met she had a couple guy friends and was unaware of their interest in her until after we got serious and they disapeared. I feel like I made my thoughts and feelings clear and now it's up to her to make it right.
As far as the "other guy" comment I made... that was in my early twenties. I was still a self centered kid without a care in the world. I'm 38 now and a great father and husband. Karma can catch up to me, but if I'm going to be judged for things I did as a young adult/kid...well I'm screwed more ways then one.
I feel a lot less worried after our two talks, but i'l still monitor the situation. I know I'm not out of the woods yet. But I do find myself trusting her, but not him.


----------



## Tb760

Btw. No texts were deleted from the night before.


----------



## Taxman

One last thing. If you feel you aren't getting traction from her, get in his face. No ifs, no buts. Warn him off, and tell him there are dire consequences to his continued actions. Tell him that you are uncomfortable with this relationship and for his own good, let him know that you are watching and you are not happy. Let him know that you will talk to HR if even the smallest boundary is breached. Second, then tell your wife, that you have had a word with her "friend", and that friendship is over. Ask her to find female friends.

My wife had a male friend, about the same time as I came on the scene. Her parents and sibs adored him. Come to find out that he is talking **** about me to her. Come to find out, he is trying to split us up, as he was slow to go after her. First thing, I go to him, and tell him that he is too damn late, and I know you were talking smack about me, and I know what was said. I tell him that if he does it again, I will rip his testes off and shove them down his throat. He did the one stupid thing that nobody should do. He punched me. Bloodied my nose. He expected me to punch back. Nope. I call my buddy on the police force, and he is there in less than five minutes. ******* gets charged with assault, and arrested. I tell my future wife that when I confronted, he got violent (did not bother to clean up) Her Mom & Dad ban him from the house and familial activities. He gets a criminal record, and is promptly dismissed from his employment. He moves across the country. I heard he married and screwed around, and is now living single again in his late fifties.


----------



## Cynthia

I agree that he's grooming her. He is asking her how to catch a woman and she is telling him exactly what she likes and how she can be "caught." 

Of course you are having a bad feeling. This is a bad situation.

How about you tell her, "On second thought I do want to see those texts," while holding your hand out for her to give it to you right then and there before any further opportunity to delete them.

It is inappropriate to be sending people texts in the middle of the night and she should have told him that from the beginning, even if she was being duped.

Since you know the drill and have done what this jerk is up to, tell your wife that you know exactly what this so called nerd is up to and it's not okay. (You don't need to explain it to her.) She needs to end this relationship immediately because it is creating problems in your marriage right now. Not that it will. It currently is a problem that she has shifted her attention to another man and you aren't going to tolerate it.

Hopefully you are not going to be that "other man" again and have committed yourself fully to your wife and your family.


----------



## anchorwatch

Good talk, now to do the walk... (follow through) 

Boundaries in Marriage

Not "Just Friends"

Best


----------



## Evinrude58

Your wife is having communications regularly with another man. Instead of looking forward to talking to YOU every day, it's obviously this other dude. Hence, she is replacing you as her male buddy that she confides in and shares things with. Any time a spouse is investing emotions with another person of the opposite sex or sexual orientation, such as texting at 2am and constantly after work, that is UNACCEPTABLE.

CynthiaDe has correctly surmised that he is supposedly pursuing this "other woman" while getting all the scoop on how YOUR WIFE likes to be pursued. It's a very effective plan on his part, and it IS WORKING on your wife, because she answers his 2am texts.

Honestly, I'd have words with any man that texted my wife at 2a.m. And I'd have strong words for my wife, as well. 

This guy is what I refer to as a snake in the grass. 

You are acting like a scared puppy. Tell your wife plainly that you are no longer accepting of her friendship with another man that has gone as far as constant texting and 2am texts. This guy undoubtedly has no respect for you, and your wife is not showing any in what she DOES, but only in what she SAYS.

Stop worrying about your wife labeling you as controlling or jealous. Dude, don't show any emotion when you tell her the friendship with the guy must be over. If it's not over, then you really would be better off filing for divorce and moving on, or scaring her straight. If you allow these emotional affairs to flourish, you will eventually have a wife that has no interest in you, and she will later be having a physical affair with him or someone else. 

Barney FIfe says "Nip it! Nip it in the bud!"


----------



## eric1

I agree with getting in his face. I do believe your wife is a tad naive. He is not.

You need to get in his face and tell him precisely that you know what game he is playing. Make it a statement.

He’ll of course deny it and perhaps even appeal to your sympathy. Make it clear to him that you don’t care what his motive is/was, if you see on more text from him he’s getting reported to HR for sexual harassment.


----------



## snerg

Tb760 said:


> I also believe she is naive.


Stop.
Just stop!

I wish people would stop making this comment.

Is your wife 6 years old?

Then she's not naive.
She knows exactly what's going on.
She knows exactly what she's doing.
She knows this guy has more than a passing fancy in her.

Stop making it out like she is some helpless waif from the hills of Kentucky that has never seen a man before and doesn't realize the nuances of male/female interactions.




Evinrude58 said:


> Honestly, I'd have words with any man that texted my wife at 2a.m. And I'd have strong words for my wife, as well.
> 
> Tell your wife plainly that you are no longer accepting of her friendship with another man that has gone as far as constant texting and 2am texts. This guy undoubtedly has no respect for you, and your wife is not showing any in what she DOES, but only in what she SAYS.


QFT!


----------



## BobSimmons

eric1 said:


> He is grooming her. Period.
> 
> Him asking about relationships makes him a sympathetic figure to her. It also establishes him as a sexual being. He builds her up by saying things that he’s even dreaming of her (and no you never ever turn it sexual at this point).


This.

It's called establishing rapport. Look there's something entirely bizarre about grown folk asking if they can be friends with someone then acting like this. Does she do this with all if her "friends"? Surely then she wouldn't have time for anything else if a friendship with one person is filling up this much space and time.

Nothing wrong with having friends but she is also married and as such when she comes home, all nighters with work colleagues stop. Sure one or two texts but not this carry on.


----------



## sa58

She did not understand about the dream part being
wrong. What about the pics of his tattoos? (NO BIGGIE)
She invited the guy to dinner after you talked to her about
this. Texting at 2 am? She cannot be this naive. What was the 
fist bump about? This does not make sense to me, something 
is still not right. I would not start trusting her completely yet.
I would get into his face and then wait and see what she tells
you later about it. I would not relax and think everything is 
good with your wife however just yet. She may be just telling 
you what you want to hear ( Everything is fine).


----------



## sa58

Remember he may be doing this/
BUT YOUR WIFE IS ALLOWING IT!!


----------



## Steelman

People are so ignorant sometimes. There is no way in hell your wife would be comfortable with you doing the exact same thing with another single woman, yet she starts and continues to do it. When you are married, you have to have boundaries, and she is clearly crossing them. Its not that hard to know what those boundaries are.


----------



## Yeswecan

sa58 said:


> Remember he may be doing this/
> BUT YOUR WIFE IS ALLOWING IT!!


I believe OP W is enjoying the attention. It may not be sexual innuendo banter/texts but will it before long.


----------



## VermiciousKnid

You should have never allowed such a ridiculous situation in the first place but that ship has sailed. I'll say this. Shut this down right now or your wife is going to cheat on you. She already is cheating in some ways by telling you she's going to stop and not stopping. She won't see it coming either. He's playing it very well. Like a snake. Shut. It. Down.


----------



## Suspicious1

Yeswecan said:


> I call BS on this. Your W knew exactly what blowhard you were talking about. I'm sorry man, wives don't text at 2 am with OM unless there is something brewing if not already going on.


100%
Especially sleeps trumps texting with just anyone at 2.00 am, who works with you 5 days out of the week. 



Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## Townes

Just to offer another perspective. I was in a relationship and there was a similar dynamic with her and a guy. We had the same kind of talks you're having without much change. I thought about stepping up my policing of them like this, but I decided I would rather know what she's capable of. 

Unsurprisingly they hooked up. I am SO SO grateful I let it play out and learned the reality of her. If your wife doesn't want to shut this down on her own you have a bigger problem than this one dude.


----------



## Tb760

sa58 said:


> Remember he may be doing this/
> BUT YOUR WIFE IS ALLOWING IT!!


This is what bothers me. When I mentioned the invite to dinner, the text was more like "I was going to invite you, but I'm glad I didn't. It would have been a 30 min drive for you and they are out of a lot of food". So even though maybe he didn't get the invite, she put it in his head that she's accepting of alone time with him. 
I've been at work today feeling a little anxiety and I feel like if I bring it up again I'm just beating a dead horse. Since I later down the boundaries this morning I'll see how she takes
it.
I gave her an inch in saying that they can still talk. But when appropriate. I'm hoping she doesn't take that inch and let's the friendship die off. 
From reading the text I don't feel she is emotionally invested in this friendship yet. And that's why I stepped in now. Now that I made everything very clear, there is no reason for her to continue her ways. Let's see if she takes that inch I have her.


----------



## AliceA

I know the dangers in this because I've just separated from my husband who thought his "friendship" with another woman wasn't a problem. The thing is, they make it a problem eventually. Every little thing wrong in the marriage becomes a mountain, and they spend time with their friend and in the back of their head they're thinking how easy it is to spend time with that person, without all the pressures at home that they associate with their spouse. The other person has in the back of their head that they could go there and they both sense it. Your spouse stops trying to make it work in the marriage because they wonder if it's worth it when it could be so much easier with someone else, and look, there's someone right there waiting in the wings. The marriage collapses and they don't care because they've already got the other person on the hook. They're eager even for the split to be far enough along that they can proceed without being accused of cheating. If it doesn't happen now, it might with the next one. A spouse with no real friends of the same sex that they spend a good amount of time with is a red flag I think.


----------



## stro

Tb760 said:


> sa58 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Remember he may be doing this/
> BUT YOUR WIFE IS ALLOWING IT!!
> 
> 
> 
> This is what bothers me. When I mentioned the invite to dinner, the text was more like "I was going to invite you, but I'm glad I didn't. It would have been a 30 min drive for you and they are out of a lot of food". So even though maybe he didn't get the invite, she put it in his head that she's accepting of alone time with him.
> I've been at work today feeling a little anxiety and I feel like if I bring it up again I'm just beating a dead horse. Since I later down the boundaries this morning I'll see how she takes
> it.
> I gave her an inch in saying that they can still talk. But when appropriate. I'm hoping she doesn't take that inch and let's the friendship die off.
> From reading the text I don't feel she is emotionally invested in this friendship yet. And that's why I stepped in now. Now that I made everything very clear, there is no reason for her to continue her ways. Let's see if she takes that inch I have her.
Click to expand...

 your wife may be trustworthy and a little naive in this but I agree with other posters who say he is grooming her. This is how emotional affairs start. I would ask my wife to end that relationship completely and soon.


----------



## Evinrude58

BTW,
Just wanted to mention the person in this relationship showing naivety. 

It's YOU OP!!!

Do you really think a man that has a "girlfriend" is texting YOUR WIFE constantly (2am---lmao at the obviousness of it)?

Do you really think he has a "girlfriend" he needs all this help with? Have you seen his gf? 

He DOES have a wannabe girlfriend. It's ______. Insert your wife's name here. 

THis "girlfriend" does not exist. What man texts a married woman constantly (2 am--- ughh) that has a NEW girlfriend that he is hot in after? ANswer: NOBODY ON THE PLANET


----------



## Noble1

Good on you for taking the steps that you have.

Unfortunately you now know the weak boundaries your wife has and it is indeed up to you to keep your wife and marriage safe.

Do not fall for the ...but he's only a friend and I can have friends, you can't control me or my life...

So what if its labelled as controlling. For me if someone called me controlling for protecting my marriage, I just found out there's something to worry about.

Good luck.


----------



## AliceA

You can't control it. Even having the discussion and thinking they are on the same wavelength doesn't mean a thing. Understanding that you have no control over them is important. Encouraging open communication about the marriage is important. Letting them know what you you feel is inappropriate is important, but thinking you can control them now, or ever, is the naive part.


----------



## Rick Blaine

*FACTS and a Solution*

TB,

Here are the facts, and here is the solution. The solution is radical, but that's because the situation is radical.

Fact #1: Your wife is having an affair with hers and your coworker. At this point it is an emotional affair. This is not a platonic opposite sex friendship. Her frequent texting (esp. at 2:00 am in the morning) and her cover ups DEFINE this as an affair. You don't need any more proof. You already have it. You must accept this fact. This is important because she is now gaslighting you. She will try and convince you that they are not having an affair and she will ask for proof. The proof is in sentences 3 and 4 of this paragraph. I would recommend that you stay strong in conversations with your wife and accept fact #1.

Fact #2: Affairs are addictions. They are powerfully addicting. Your wife is going to have a hard time putting down the crack pipe, which in her case are the exhilarating thrills that this man gives her when they connect. She is addicted to him, and so the more they connect and bond the harder it will be for her to lose the addiction. 

Fact #3: All cheaters lie. Do not trust a thing she says. Repeat this to yourself because just as the sun rises in the East and sets in the West, cheaters lie. 

Fact #4: The only way to save your marriage is to end her affair. If this affair continues your marriage will end. Again, you must kill the affair if your marriage has any chance of surviving.

Fact #5: This affair will not end as long as your wife and POSOM are working together. She must end contact for life with him. A solution for that problem is written below.

Fact #6: Your wife has very poor boundaries around men. If you are to stay married to her she must fix this problem. She has completely earned your distrust with her actions, and from this point forward she must provide a complete accountability of her whereabouts and provide 100% transparency on her cell phone, computer and any other form of possible communication with others. If she won't agree to this then your marriage is doomed. I would divorce her if she won't be transparent. 

Solution:
How fortunate you are that this POS works with you and your wife. This makes dealing with him easy. Normally, I would recommend confronting him and telling him in the most unfriendly of terms to stay away from your wife. Meet him at work, and while he is sitting at his desk, lean over with your palms on his desk and your arms outstretched, and glare at him for a few moments. (This is VERY intimidating and unsettling.) Then tell him to stay away from your wife from this moment forward. I did this once, and it worked.

But here is a much more effective solution: Instead of confronting him, write a letter to Human Resources letting them know that the POSOM is harassing your wife. Deliver it to them at the end of the workday. Make sure it is very damning. That night show the letter to your wife. 

She will be irate and lose control. She will cry, freak out, and get hysterical. You must stay cool and calm Get your poise game on. After she settles down, let her know that she either supports you in the allegation when HR contacts her, or you will leave her. The reason you take this radical step is because you need to get this POS groomer out of the company and away from your wife. You also need to force your wife to take this step because it will blow their affair out of the water. This nuclear option WILL end the affair. Looking at the big picture, your wife needs to have a consequence for her affair, and she needs to know in the future if she ever does this again, you will not play along with it. (You've already played along way to much already.) She will come at with you with: "Why didn't you just ask me to stop talking to him? I would have stopped." But you did, and she didn't. So now you must act decisively and boldly. If you value your marriage, you will fight for it not appease your wife. 

In conclusion, you do NOT need any proof that your wife is having an affair. She is having one, though it is in its nascent stages. Strike now or it will be too late.


----------



## just got it 55

Tb760 said:


> It's 4 a.m as I'm writing this. About two months ago my wife has became a friend with a male co worker (me and my wife work for the same company. Different department) that we both know. Nice guy. I would never feel like he could be a threat to my marriage.
> As they became closer friends at work she asked what I thought about her making him her friend (as she lacks friends) and I told her that's fine, but it would be a little weird to just start a 1 on 1 friendship with a single guy from the get go. She told me he invited her to the fair with other co-workers and she was thinking about it, but I worked that day and we have 2 young children. I didn't think much of it at all. There have been no red flags at all. I notice they were texting more frequently. She told me he was asking for advice about a girl he was chasing and she even included me in the convo, asking for my opinion.
> As the days went by I noticed they were texting a lot more and playing words with friends non stop every night together. Then I see him at work and he says hi to me, gives me a fist bump then says "sorry" puts his head down and walks away from me. It was weird. I still dont know what thats about.
> That night we go to bed, my daughter wakes us up crying and my wife Checks on her. Idk why I did it, but I reached over and looked at her phone and saw that he text her at 2 am. I pretended to be asleep when she came back in the room and she continued a convo with him thinking I was asleep. This lead me to talk to her about how I didn't like their friendship and she agreed that she wouldn't like it if I were talking to another girl. So I thought we fixed that. Then tonight she fell asleep on the couch and I did it again. Click her phone so her lock screen shows and it's a text from him at 10:30. So I did something I've never done before. I opened her phone and read their conversations. It turns out the 2 am text from him was about the girl he was chasing. Then she responded that our daughter woke her up and she just saw his text. He responds by telling her he just had a dream about her and the dream was very pg. Nothing sexually inapropriate. She didnt open any windows with flirting or anything like that.
> Now the texts after "our talk" about their friendship were her saying she wanted to invite him to dinner at one of her favorite places after work but it would have been out of his way.
> This really bugged me because I told her I was uncomfortable with their situation and 2 days later she's saying she wanted to invite him to dinner. I feel like she's opening opportunity for something/anything? The texts she recieved from him today was pics of his new tattoos. No biggie.
> I know these are just little signs. but she continues to be in contact as if we never had a talk about it.
> I have never been jealous or had these kind of gut feelings I'm having right now in our entire 5 year relationship. I feel like if I don't interfere it can become a big problem. But this is all coming from my gut. And the weird part is I don't know who's at fault and who's initiating.
> Do I tell her I looked at her texts? Am I just being paranoid? Is this a legit friendship? He has never said "bring your husband". What next steps do I take?


Your GUT my friend is State of the Art Tech

Trust it

55


----------



## Malaise

Tb760 said:


> *I gave her an inch in saying that they can still talk.* But when appropriate. I'm hoping she doesn't take that inch and let's the friendship die off.
> From reading the text I don't feel she is emotionally invested in this friendship yet. And that's why I stepped in now. Now that I made everything very clear, there is no reason for her to continue her ways. *Let's see if she takes that inch I have her*.


Why are you playing this game?

If it bothers you that much shut it down completely. You know what he's trying yo do.


----------



## oldtruck

Tb760 said:


> She apologized and said when we talked about other guys that she totally didn't think I was talking about him and that he was a nerdy friend and there is zero signs of flirting or attraction.


The number of WW's that said he was a nerd, not my type, I could never be attracted
to someone like him, etc, etc. I mean he is like a brother to me, I never could see
him in a romantic way.

Only for the WW to be lying and eventually have a PA with this "dork".


----------



## oldtruck

Tb760 said:


> I gave her an inch in saying that they can still talk.


What is wrong with you?
You have to shut this nonsense down now. Shut it down so hard that it will
never restart.


----------



## x598

Raging forest fires start with a single spark. how quickly they spread depends on how much fuel is available.

Sir, there is a fire in your life. this is just progressing slowly as your marriage (the fuel) isn't dried up....yet. give it time and it will.

I agree with almost everything the poster who suggested the nuclear options wrote, other than maybe not nuking the guy by going to HR a making statements about him. what he is doing is not illegal.

the harsh terms need to be with your wife. SHE IS THE ONE feeding into this situation and is married, not him. it could be any guy off the street.

would I get in his face and tell him to stay the Fu$% away from your wife? absolutely.

her reaction to it is what you need to watch....most likely she will get angry, minimize their involvement (to which we know is a lie when he is messaging at TWO AM) and make you out to be controlling.
I'll bet money on it right now.

that reaction is what gets her divorced, because there is nothing else that is going to make her stop craving the ego boost (or whatever need she has that is being fulfilled by this guy) and come to her senses.

good luck


----------



## Marc878

Tb760 said:


> First I want to thank you all for the replies. Very helpful. My wife noticed me up around 5 am and asked me what's wrong and a spilled the beans. I told her everything except that I read through her texts.
> She apologized and said when we talked about other guys that she totally didn't think I was talking about him and that he was a nerdy friend and there is zero signs of flirting or attraction. She offered me to read the texts. *I declined (which I regret) and then asked me what should she do about the friendship. It said it was okay, but I'm going to revisit that today and have her set boundaries.
> I also told her if he ever does anything that seems inappropriate, that she must tell me.*
> Now that she knows it's bugging me to the point of me being up all night, I'm going to see how she moves forward with this friendship. It's hard. A part of me wants to be Rambo and blow everything up and the other part of me wants to see how she acts after our early morning talk.


Both of you should read "Not Just Friends".

By the time their emotional affair blossoms you won't be told ****. 

You are wanting to be the Mr Nice Guy who's understanding and not wanting to act controlling etc. Extremely naive of you.

He's nerdy, just a friend, etc until he's more and you won't know until it's too late.

Better get your head out of your ass and wake up.


----------



## Marc878

Tb760 said:


> It's 4 a.m as I'm writing this. About two months ago my wife has became a friend with a male co worker (me and my wife work for the same company. Different department) that we both know. Nice guy. I would never feel like he could be a threat to my marriage.
> As they became closer friends at work she asked what I thought about her making him her friend (as she lacks friends) and I told her that's fine, but it would be a little weird to just start a 1 on 1 friendship with a single guy from the get go. She told me he invited her to the fair with other co-workers and she was thinking about it, but I worked that day and we have 2 young children. I didn't think much of it at all. There have been no red flags at all. I notice they were texting more frequently. She told me he was asking for advice about a girl he was chasing and she even included me in the convo, asking for my opinion.
> As the days went by I noticed they were texting a lot more and playing words with friends non stop every night together. Then I see him at work and he says hi to me, gives me a fist bump then says "sorry" puts his head down and walks away from me. It was weird. I still dont know what thats about.
> That night we go to bed, my daughter wakes us up crying and my wife Checks on her. Idk why I did it, but I reached over and looked at her phone and saw that he text her at 2 am. I pretended to be asleep when she came back in the room and she continued a convo with him thinking I was asleep. This lead me to talk to her about how I didn't like their friendship and she agreed that she wouldn't like it if I were talking to another girl. So I thought we fixed that. Then tonight she fell asleep on the couch and I did it again. Click her phone so her lock screen shows and it's a text from him at 10:30. So I did something I've never done before. I opened her phone and read their conversations. It turns out the 2 am text from him was about the girl he was chasing. Then she responded that our daughter woke her up and she just saw his text. He responds by telling her he just had a dream about her and the dream was very pg. Nothing sexually inapropriate. She didnt open any windows with flirting or anything like that.
> Now the texts after "our talk" about their friendship were her saying she wanted to invite him to dinner at one of her favorite places after work but it would have been out of his way.
> *This really bugged me because I told her I was uncomfortable with their situation and 2 days later she's saying she wanted to invite him to dinner. *I feel like she's opening opportunity for something/anything? The texts she recieved from him today was pics of his new tattoos. No biggie.
> I know these are just little signs. but she continues to be in contact as if we never had a talk about it.
> I have never been jealous or had these kind of gut feelings I'm having right now in our entire 5 year relationship. I feel like if I don't interfere it can become a big problem. But this is all coming from my gut. And the weird part is I don't know who's at fault and who's initiating.
> Do I tell her I looked at her texts? Am I just being paranoid? Is this a legit friendship? He has never said "bring your husband". What next steps do I take?


You know this is their date night don't you. You ever take another woman out to dinner? Alone.

Your naïveté is amazing


----------



## sa58

I do not understand why you are still giving her 
an inch or chance to have anything to do with 
this POSOM!! Why are you still trying to be a nice guy?
This is your marriage and kids you are talking about.
She tried to set up a date with this guy. If my wife did something 
like that she would all ready know divorce was an option.
If you contact HR about him be sure and say only what you
know about. ( Texts at 2am, him telling her he is dreaming about
her,and tat pictures) You will not be saying anything that is not true.
With #metoo sexual misconduct claims in the media, they may find it
very interesting. They will want to talk with your wife about it and 
then you will see where she stands on her relationship with him. 
She either backs you up or him. Does she have family nearby you may
consider talking to them (someone you trust) they may be able to
talk with her and let her know this is wrong what she is doing!!
Again she is letting him do this and probably is enjoying the attention.
You have to let her and him both know that if this continues there will
be a high cost to pay!! Her divorce him no job and dealing with you!!
By the way the girl he is interested in is your wife I hope you know that
by now.


----------



## Tb760

Marc878 said:


> Tb760 said:
> 
> 
> 
> It's 4 a.m as I'm writing this. About two months ago my wife has became a friend with a male co worker (me and my wife work for the same company. Different department) that we both know. Nice guy. I would never feel like he could be a threat to my marriage.
> As they became closer friends at work she asked what I thought about her making him her friend (as she lacks friends) and I told her that's fine, but it would be a little weird to just start a 1 on 1 friendship with a single guy from the get go. She told me he invited her to the fair with other co-workers and she was thinking about it, but I worked that day and we have 2 young children. I didn't think much of it at all. There have been no red flags at all. I notice they were texting more frequently. She told me he was asking for advice about a girl he was chasing and she even included me in the convo, asking for my opinion.
> As the days went by I noticed they were texting a lot more and playing words with friends non stop every night together. Then I see him at work and he says hi to me, gives me a fist bump then says "sorry" puts his head down and walks away from me. It was weird. I still dont know what thats about.
> That night we go to bed, my daughter wakes us up crying and my wife Checks on her. Idk why I did it, but I reached over and looked at her phone and saw that he text her at 2 am. I pretended to be asleep when she came back in the room and she continued a convo with him thinking I was asleep. This lead me to talk to her about how I didn't like their friendship and she agreed that she wouldn't like it if I were talking to another girl. So I thought we fixed that. Then tonight she fell asleep on the couch and I did it again. Click her phone so her lock screen shows and it's a text from him at 10:30. So I did something I've never done before. I opened her phone and read their conversations. It turns out the 2 am text from him was about the girl he was chasing. Then she responded that our daughter woke her up and she just saw his text. He responds by telling her he just had a dream about her and the dream was very pg. Nothing sexually inapropriate. She didnt open any windows with flirting or anything like that.
> Now the texts after "our talk" about their friendship were her saying she wanted to invite him to dinner at one of her favorite places after work but it would have been out of his way.
> *This really bugged me because I told her I was uncomfortable with their situation and 2 days later she's saying she wanted to invite him to dinner. *I feel like she's opening opportunity for something/anything? The texts she recieved from him today was pics of his new tattoos. No biggie.
> I know these are just little signs. but she continues to be in contact as if we never had a talk about it.
> I have never been jealous or had these kind of gut feelings I'm having right now in our entire 5 year relationship. I feel like if I don't interfere it can become a big problem. But this is all coming from my gut. And the weird part is I don't know who's at fault and who's initiating.
> Do I tell her I looked at her texts? Am I just being paranoid? Is this a legit friendship? He has never said "bring your husband". What next steps do I take?
> 
> 
> 
> You know this is their date night don't you. You ever take another woman out to dinner? Alone.
> 
> Your naïveté is amazing
Click to expand...

 They have never had a date night or been alone together "yet".


----------



## sa58

THEY HAVE NEVER HAD A DATE NIGHT OR BEEN ALONE TOGETHER YET
THAT YOU KNOW OF!! I am sure there are places at work where they can be alone.
Has she ever gone some place and been gone to long? Stop making excuses PLEASE
and stop this.


----------



## skerzoid

Tb760:



Tb760 said:


> Idk why I did it, but I reached over and looked at her phone and saw that he text her at 2 am. I pretended to be asleep when she came back in the room and she continued a convo with him thinking I was asleep. This lead me to talk to her about how I didn't like their friendship and she agreed that she wouldn't like it if I were talking to another girl. So I thought we fixed that.


1. Dude? Your wife is texting back and forth at 2 a.m. and you pretend to be asleep? Lame :| You should have nailed that right there.

2. You must be about the nicest guy around. Uh.. whats that saying about nice guys?...

3. I am sorry, but you better start understanding the saying around these parts, "You have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it." Post, after post, after post, men on this site saying "My wife was the last person I thought would do this. I trusted her. She's such a caring person. She's my best friend." And they end up laying on the ground crushed and weeping. You want to trust? Go ahead, but if she's as great as you say she is, buddy you better keep the watch fires burning. Trust, but verify. There are predators out there lurking in the dark.

4. You are afraid that looking at her phone disrespects her privacy? Privacy in marriage is when you want to use the bathroom without an audience. NO passwords, NO locks. :|

5. Sorry for the rant, but friend, you have got to man up now!


----------



## AliceA

There may be no evidence. That's the problem. It may appear to be legit, but if a person wants to let that friendship damage their commitment to the marriage, it doesn't matter that every word between them appeared completely innocent. You can't see underneath the surface. The reason this will happen is not because of you, it's because of them. 

Another person on this thread said they let their partner play out the friendship and it ended up as expected. I too let it play out despite feelings of it being wrong, but there was never anything I could point to and say, "look, that was inappropriate". What this poster and I had in common was that we both ended up hurt and betrayed, but we know we are better off now than holding on to someone who was going to go down this path. They will always find a way.

If the marriage is meant to last, they will commit to it. There shouldn't be a need to hold on to them tightly, to cling with every fiber of your being, to check their every movement. Is that the sort of person people want to be? Clingy and insecure and full of suspicion? Is this the sort of relationship that contributes to our lives or makes us feel devalued and miserable?


----------



## The Middleman

I think you did well, in fact better than most who have been here. However, I’m going to say what others have said, you need to go one step further. Do something along the lines of what I did.



You need to to tell your wife that you have reconsidered her offer to cut off the friendship with this guy. Ask her to cut all contact with him.
Get in touch with him and you tell him this **** ends now.

This will show in no uncertain terms, to him and your wife, that you mean business.


----------



## Marc878

Tb760 said:


> They have never had a date night or been alone together "yet".


Better stand up and put a stop to this immediately or you'll wish you had.

Weakness which is what you're showing is unnattractive to women. 

Better wake up


----------



## VladDracul

Marc878 said:


> He's nerdy,


Guys need to understand that nerds f just like the rest of us.


----------



## DjDjani

What you need is to tell your wife to cut all communication with the guy. Only official short response if asked something about the job. And be firm about it. You are lucky, you cought her just in time to save your marriage.


----------



## Tb760

Hey everyone. I wanted to update you all, since i've gotten so many responses and advice (thank you!). Well over 2 days have passed since me and my wife's last talk. She was under the impression that everything was okay after that and the topic of her male friend hasn't been brought up since. I quickly learned that the talk didn't help much at all, as far as my emotions are concerned. I found myself laying in bed, not being able to sleep, waiting for him to text her again late at night. I would get up and walk to her side of the bed and check her phone. He hasn't tried contacting her late at night since the late night text i originally found over a week ago. but since my suspicions were still running high, I decided to open up the topic again last night and we had about another hour talk. I'm at the point where i'm repeating myself, but i'm getting a stronger stance every convo.
It started off with telling her that "i really opened myself up the other night and i don't feel like there is any closure and we haven't talked about anything. I don't know if you guys have talked bout it or if you have set up any boundaries. And still find myself awake at night wanting to check your phone." she responded " well he really hasn't texted me at all the past couple days, besides something about work one morning, but i already told you if he text me late at night again that i'll tell him that its not okay". 
To summarize the rest of the convo, she thought after our last talk, everything was okay. I told her it wasn't and i found their friendship inappropriate and i told her, at this point i will never trust the two of them alone together. This is when i saw the first reaction on her face that said "oh s$%t. hes ending our friendship". So she responded with what a lot of what you said she would respond with and said "well i guess i'm not allowed to have friends then?" and i quickly told her "no, you F'ed this up by not setting boundaries early with him and made yourself available 24/7 and allow late night texting. This is not okay". I told her that now that she knows where i draw the line, that she will let her next male friend know whats appropriate from the 1st sign of questionable behavior. She wasn't happy about this. but she wasn't angry and she reassured me that just like she said in the other talks that she will do whatever it is that she wants me to do when it comes to this friendship. She also told me that he is really good guy and thinks he would never cross that line because of his "Moral compass", i quickly shot that down because me and him have a mutual friend that is close to both of us and when i asked my friend about his character, he said "the one thing i would worry about him, is that he's a man ***** and he will take any opportunity given to him. He won't make the 1st move, but if there is an opening, he's taking it." this took my wife by surprise as she knows my friend knows the OM better than her.
She also told me that he has texted her late at night a hand full of times (nothing flirtatious) in the past and she would send a quick response and go back to sleep.
The one thing that still bothers me is that she still doesn't understand why this whole situation upsets me. She believes if she doesn't want to sleep with him, or doesn't have any feelings for him that boundaries are not necessary. I find that disrespectful to our marriage. 
Now i know a lot of you have said that i may be too late or that there is more going on and others of you have said i caught this in the early stages and i need to end it now before it becomes something more. I truly believe that I caught this early, i am 100% sure she has not cheated on me. She is annoyed with my lack of trust in this situation, but i don't care. I have a marriage and a family to protect.
My wife and I love each other very much and this is only the 2nd time in our five years where we have had a hiccup in our marriage ( the 1st was when i traded in my car for a SUV without her knowledge).
Again, i want to thank you all for everything. If anything else develops I will update you, as i hope my situation can help another man/woman going through the same thing as me. But i will say one thing for sure, to those wondering if you should confront your spouse/girlfriend about something that you arent even sure is a big deal at the time,. DO IT! I did, and no matter what happens from here on out, i know i made an effort to end a situation i was uncomfortable with. And that feels really good.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Tb760 said:


> Hey everyone. I wanted to update you all, since i've gotten so many responses and advice (thank you!). Well over 2 days have passed since me and my wife's last talk. She was under the impression that everything was okay after that and the topic of her male friend hasn't been brought up since. I quickly learned that the talk didn't help much at all, as far as my emotions are concerned. I found myself laying in bed, not being able to sleep, waiting for him to text her again late at night. I would get up and walk to her side of the bed and check her phone. He hasn't tried contacting her late at night since the late night text i originally found over a week ago. but since my suspicions were still running high, I decided to open up the topic again last night and we had about another hour talk. I'm at the point where i'm repeating myself, but i'm getting a stronger stance every convo.
> It started off with telling her that "i really opened myself up the other night and i don't feel like there is any closure and we haven't talked about anything. I don't know if you guys have talked bout it or if you have set up any boundaries. And still find myself awake at night wanting to check your phone." she responded " well he really hasn't texted me at all the past couple days, besides something about work one morning, but i already told you if he text me late at night again that i'll tell him that its not okay".
> To summarize the rest of the convo, she thought after our last talk, everything was okay. I told her it wasn't and i found their friendship inappropriate and i told her, at this point i will never trust the two of them alone together. This is when i saw the first reaction on her face that said "oh s$%t. hes ending our friendship". So she responded with what a lot of what you said she would respond with and said "well i guess i'm not allowed to have friends then?" and i quickly told her "no, you F'ed this up by not setting boundaries early with him and made yourself available 24/7 and allow late night texting. This is not okay". I told her that now that she knows where i draw the line, that she will let her next male friend know whats appropriate from the 1st sign of questionable behavior. She wasn't happy about this. but she wasn't angry and she reassured me that just like she said in the other talks that she will do whatever it is that she wants me to do when it comes to this friendship. She also told me that he is really good guy and thinks he would never cross that line because of his "Moral compass", i quickly shot that down because me and him have a mutual friend that is close to both of us and when i asked my friend about his character, he said "the one thing i would worry about him, is that he's a man ***** and he will take any opportunity given to him. He won't make the 1st move, but if there is an opening, he's taking it." this took my wife by surprise as she knows my friend knows the OM better than her.
> She also told me that he has texted her late at night a hand full of times (nothing flirtatious) in the past and she would send a quick response and go back to sleep.
> The one thing that still bothers me is that *she still doesn't understand why this whole situation upsets me*. She believes if she doesn't want to sleep with him, or doesn't have any feelings for him that boundaries are not necessary. I find that disrespectful to our marriage.
> Now i know a lot of you have said that i may be too late or that there is more going on and others of you have said i caught this in the early stages and i need to end it now before it becomes something more. I truly believe that I caught this early, i am 100% sure she has not cheated on me. She is annoyed with my lack of trust in this situation, but i don't care. I have a marriage and a family to protect.
> My wife and I love each other very much and this is only the 2nd time in our five years where we have had a hiccup in our marriage ( the 1st was when i traded in my car for a SUV without her knowledge).
> Again, i want to thank you all for everything. If anything else develops I will update you, as i hope my situation can help another man/woman going through the same thing as me. But i will say one thing for sure, to those wondering if you should confront your spouse/girlfriend about something that you arent even sure is a big deal at the time,. DO IT! I did, and no matter what happens from here on out, i know i made an effort to end a situation i was uncomfortable with. And that feels really good.


Ask your wife if it would bother her if you were getting and replying to texts at 2 AM from a women behind her back.


----------



## Tb760

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Ask your wife if it would bother her if you were getting and replying to texts at 2 AM from a women behind her back.


I did this a couple times, and she agreed it would bother her. But in her head she just thinks that their friendship is so innocent that she can't grasp why I can't see that either. And that has kind have been the wall in our conversations. So even though she's setting up the boundaries that i told her to, she still doesn't understand why its necessary. She's doing it for me, not our marriage.


----------



## Steve2.0

I think you need to reconfigure your boundaries about allowing her to have male friends... she doesnt need any.. whether they are married, single, etc....

She needs female friends to compliment her life... not male friends


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Tb760 said:


> I did this a couple times, and she agreed it would bother her. But in her head she just thinks that their friendship is so innocent that she can't grasp why I can't see that either. And that has kind have been the wall in our conversations. *So even though she's setting up the boundaries that i told her to, she still doesn't understand why its necessary. She's doing it for me, not our marriage.*


That means she is infatuated with the attention and sees you as a interloper while she develops feelings for another man. 

Go visit the guy or at least call him up and tell him to stay away from your wife, remind him men texting other men's wife's and not their husbands at 2 AM fools no one. Tell him to go groom someone else.

When your wife hears about it and complains to you tell her that while she may believe it is ok to not protect the marriage under the guise of 'doing it for you and not the marriage' you feel otherwise. That you will not simple be a doormat watching another man openly try to seduce your wife and standby and do nothing.

I suggest you ask your wife to ask all her friends if it is ok for spouses to get texts middle of the night and to actively reply to them thinking it is innocent. OHH, AND LETS HAVE A DINNER DATE. The ones who say it is ok remove from your marriage.


----------



## sh987

Tb760 said:


> I did this a couple times, and she agreed it would bother her. But in her head she just thinks that their friendship is so innocent that she can't grasp why I can't see that either. And that has kind have been the wall in our conversations. So even though she's setting up the boundaries that i told her to, she still doesn't understand why its necessary. She's doing it for me, not our marriage.


If I had a dollar for every affair which started innocently, I would be a very wealthy man indeed. Please take the time to read Dr. Willard Harley's essay "How Affairs Begin".

Coping with Infidelity: Beginning (Part 1)

Sorry to hear about your troubles.


----------



## manwithnoname

Tb760 said:


> Hey everyone. I wanted to update you all, since i've gotten so many responses and advice (thank you!). Well over 2 days have passed since me and my wife's last talk. She was under the impression that everything was okay after that and the topic of her male friend hasn't been brought up since. I quickly learned that the talk didn't help much at all, as far as my emotions are concerned. I found myself laying in bed, not being able to sleep, waiting for him to text her again late at night. I would get up and walk to her side of the bed and check her phone. He hasn't tried contacting her late at night since the late night text i originally found over a week ago. but since my suspicions were still running high, I decided to open up the topic again last night and we had about another hour talk. I'm at the point where i'm repeating myself, but i'm getting a stronger stance every convo.
> It started off with telling her that "i really opened myself up the other night and i don't feel like there is any closure and we haven't talked about anything. I don't know if you guys have talked bout it or if you have set up any boundaries. And still find myself awake at night wanting to check your phone." she responded " well he really hasn't texted me at all the past couple days, besides something about work one morning, but i already told you if he text me late at night again that i'll tell him that its not okay".
> To summarize the rest of the convo, she thought after our last talk, everything was okay. I told her it wasn't and i found their friendship inappropriate and i told her, at this point i will never trust the two of them alone together. This is when i saw the first reaction on her face that said "oh s$%t. hes ending our friendship". So she responded with what a lot of what you said she would respond with and said "well i guess i'm not allowed to have friends then?" and i quickly told her "no, you F'ed this up by not setting boundaries early with him and made yourself available 24/7 and allow late night texting. This is not okay". I told her that now that she knows where i draw the line, that she will let her next male friend know whats appropriate from the 1st sign of questionable behavior. She wasn't happy about this. but she wasn't angry and she reassured me that just like she said in the other talks that she will do whatever it is that she wants me to do when it comes to this friendship. She also told me that he is really good guy and thinks he would never cross that line because of his "Moral compass", i quickly shot that down because me and him have a mutual friend that is close to both of us and when i asked my friend about his character, he said "the one thing i would worry about him, is that he's a man ***** and he will take any opportunity given to him. He won't make the 1st move, but if there is an opening, he's taking it." this took my wife by surprise as she knows my friend knows the OM better than her.
> She also told me that he has texted her late at night a hand full of times (nothing flirtatious) in the past and she would send a quick response and go back to sleep.
> The one thing that still bothers me is that she still doesn't understand why this whole situation upsets me. She believes if she doesn't want to sleep with him, or doesn't have any feelings for him that boundaries are not necessary. I find that disrespectful to our marriage.
> Now i know a lot of you have said that i may be too late or that there is more going on and others of you have said i caught this in the early stages and i need to end it now before it becomes something more. I truly believe that I caught this early, i am 100% sure she has not cheated on me. She is annoyed with my lack of trust in this situation, but i don't care. I have a marriage and a family to protect.
> My wife and I love each other very much and this is only the 2nd time in our five years where we have had a hiccup in our marriage ( the 1st was when i traded in my car for a SUV without her knowledge).
> Again, i want to thank you all for everything. If anything else develops I will update you, as i hope my situation can help another man/woman going through the same thing as me. But i will say one thing for sure, to those wondering if you should confront your spouse/girlfriend about something that you arent even sure is a big deal at the time,. DO IT! I did, and no matter what happens from here on out, i know i made an effort to end a situation i was uncomfortable with. And that feels really good.


Did you ever find out what the fist bump thing was all about? 

By not discouraging it, she's encouraging it. The mutual friend thing was helpful. 

Now you can't keep bringing it up with her, but lay down the law with him.

And keep your eyes open for any underground activity. 

My wife has told me that she will not engage in "innocent" conversations with men because she doesn't want them to get the wrong idea, that if she just carries on a conversation that is not relevant to anything they might think she's interested. Or something like that.


----------



## TAMAT

TB760,

You wrote, *She also told me that he is really good guy and thinks he would never cross that line because of his "Moral compass"*

And she learned that from OM who has been slowly building up a fantasy image of himself as a great human being in your Ws mind. OM will intentionally avoid explicitly sexual conversations during this phase. 

OM even allowed her the intimacy of seeing his tattoo to make her feel like she is special to him, and got advice from her on a girl he was pursing. 

So he has established an asexual special relationship with your W at this time with a growing emotional addiction.

You may have killed it for now but the ideal man image the OM has implanted will last for a long time.

My W has yet to see OM1 from 20+ years ago as anything other than a good guy.

The nerdy thing also might have been another ploy from OM, as they often say such things to make women feel sympathy for them. 

He's not her type, don't bet on it, especially if it becomes an emotional affair, OM3 was an old serial cheater in his 80's but he fed my W complements and it grew and grew despite the fact my W said he was disgusting. 

Tamat


----------



## dreamer2017

TB760

I agree with the response by Broken_in_Brooklyn “Go visit the guy or at least call him up and tell him to stay away from your wife, remind him men texting other men's wife's and not their husbands at 2 AM fools no one. Tell him to go groom someone else”. 

You should confront the guy and inform him of his inappropriate actions, and there will be the consequences if it continues.

Dreamer


----------



## Chaparral

He’s a nerdy man ho? Really? She thinks he’s nerdy? I don’t think so. Now that she has evidence of what he is really like she is going to be infatuated with his attentions. You really need to keep a close eye now.

I really like the part where she thinks he needs her advice on how to play another woman. Good Lord!


----------



## ABHale

Tb760 said:


> Btw. No texts were deleted from the night before.


 What about her wanting to ask him out on a date but it being out of his way


----------



## Tobyboy

Doesn’t Words with Friends have a chat feature? I hope you’ve look into it.


----------



## Yeswecan

Tobyboy said:


> Doesn’t Words with Friends have a chat feature? I hope you’ve look into it.


Yes it does.


----------



## Tb760

manwithnoname said:


> *Did you ever find out what the fist bump thing was all about? *
> 
> By not discouraging it, she's encouraging it. The mutual friend thing was helpful.
> 
> Now you can't keep bringing it up with her, but lay down the law with him.
> 
> And keep your eyes open for any underground activity.
> 
> My wife has told me that she will not engage in "innocent" conversations with men because she doesn't want them to get the wrong idea, that if she just carries on a conversation that is not relevant to anything they might think she's interested. Or something like that.


Dude, i still have no idea what that was about.


----------



## Tb760

ABHale said:


> What about her wanting to ask him out on a date but it being out of his way


Now this is where i messed up. Acouple days ago when she let me go through her phone infront of her, i didnt scroll to that part, as i was more focused on the "i had a dream about you" section of the text. So for me to bring that up, i would have to come clean about me going through her phone...which im close to doing. Like i said in an earlier post, the invite was more of an afterthought invite. i cant even really remember the wording. but like i said in the other post, she was showing him she was open to alone time with him. and the weird part about it, was he was the one that changed the topic. Like he could have easily said "maybe next time" and make plans for a later date. He never did that.


----------



## TAMAT

TB760,

You wrote, *i cant even really remember the wording. but like i said in the other post, she was showing him she was open to alone time with him. and the weird part about it, was he was the one that changed the topic. Like he could have easily said "maybe next time" and make plans for a later date. He never did that.* 

This is another way to establish the OMs decency. It also helps him transfer the blame to your W if an affair happens, and they get discovered, might save OM knee caps from a baseball bat in the future. Plausible deniability. 

Tamat


----------



## MyRevelation

I agree with the others, and especially since you know the OM too ... it's time for you to establish some boundaries of your own with him. He needs to understand from you that he doesn't have permission to fish in your pond, and if he continues to do so or if you find out that they have lied to you and a line has already been crossed, you will be having a follow up conversation with him that will not be so polite.

Then ask him ... "Do you understand?" and make him confirm it to you verbally. "OK, then ... this stops NOW ... no more non-work related communications, PERIOD. You two are CO-WORKERS and are no longer friends."


----------



## NJ2

I have been on both sides (I had an A with a coworker and I believe my H had one with a coworker as well)
This guy is grooming her. I didnt see it of course when it happened to me but looking back it is very obvious. It starts with work related notes/texts, then funny little tidbits about each others day, then asking for love life advice, then gradually a "friendship" grows that seems innocent enough. 

I was flattered by the attention and interest the guy was giving me. He also made me think he was an upstanding guy- one who would be protective, never think of doing something inappropriate....but hey wasn't I something special? didn't we have a deep friendship like no other? We were special little unicorns that just "got" each other. I wasnt doing anything wrong how could it be wrong if there wasnt anything physical going on?

Well theres nothing physical going on until one day there is.....we even discussed how it was wrong and it would never happen again...until it did....he even said he would never want anything physical to happen because it would to interfere with
the special emotional bond we had...

I think the grooming part took quite a long time and was very gradual- we went out with other coworkers for dinner, for drinks for coffee until we went out on our own. It was gradual so that each new betrayal didnt feel like it was a big deal. I felt closer to him than I did my H eventually. In the end I broke it off with great difficulty. It interfered with my marriage for years as a guilty secret that festered. 

I have no doubt that that is what is going on. Until I came on TAM I never really understood the dynamics of what happened. I thought he was a genuinely good guy. After reading more and more about affairs I realized what a snake he was. He was a creep and looking back makes my stomach turn. Of course it was 100% my fault - i could have chosen to stop at any point along the way and didnt.


----------



## Tb760

NJ2 said:


> I have been on both sides (I had an A with a coworker and I believe my H had one with a coworker as well)
> This guy is grooming her. I didnt see it of course when it happened to me but looking back it is very obvious. It starts with work related notes/texts, then funny little tidbits about each others day, then asking for love life advice, then gradually a "friendship" grows that seems innocent enough.
> 
> I was flattered by the attention and interest the guy was giving me. He also made me think he was an upstanding guy- one who would be protective, never think of doing something inappropriate....but hey wasn't I something special? didn't we have a deep friendship like no other? We were special little unicorns that just "got" each other. I wasnt doing anything wrong how could it be wrong if there wasnt anything physical going on?
> 
> Well theres nothing physical going on until one day there is.....we even discussed how it was wrong and it would never happen again...until it did....he even said he would never want anything physical to happen because it would to interfere with
> the special emotional bond we had...
> 
> I think the grooming part took quite a long time and was very gradual- we went out with other coworkers for dinner, for drinks for coffee until we went out on our own. It was gradual so that each new betrayal didnt feel like it was a big deal. I felt closer to him than I did my H eventually. In the end I broke it off with great difficulty. It interfered with my marriage for years as a guilty secret that festered.
> 
> I have no doubt that that is what is going on. Until I came on TAM I never really understood the dynamics of what happened. I thought he was a genuinely good guy. After reading more and more about affairs I realized what a snake he was. He was a creep and looking back makes my stomach turn. Of course it was 100% my fault - i could have chosen to stop at any point along the way and didnt.


This post scares the sh$%t out of me, because this post is what my gut has been telling me from the moment of the awkward fist bump. I trust my wife, just like she trusts herself. But her inability to set boundaries with male friends will lead her right down this path. And the way you describe the way things unfolded, you don't sound like a horrible person with bad intentions. Just like feelings of jealousy can't be controlled. Feelings of love or intimacy can't be controlled either.


----------



## Tb760

Tobyboy said:


> Doesn’t Words with Friends have a chat feature? I hope you’ve look into it.


Can you delete your chats on Words with friends?


----------



## BobSimmons

You're f*cked.

Firstly they work together. You're f*cked. You have no control there, no access. Now if he wants he can ramp up the sexual tension, the long stares, it can takes months but he can chip away.

Secondly
*still bothers me is that she still doesn't understand why this whole situation upsets me.*

What? She doesn't understand the ten times you've brought this up? The "You can't be friends with this guy because you're talking all the time" No she understands plenty. She's a woman. She knows a jealous man, she knows this guy went from no threat to threat in your eyes, no it's you. You're not seeing remorse, you're not seeing her say "Honey I'm going to stop" that's what you want but you're not going to get it.

The whole will you be my friend thing was a bit much. But what's even worse is this softly stepping around and negotiations.

You knows the guy bangs women. More than likely he's setting up to bang your wife. They work together. And you're negotiating.

Best of luck my friend.


----------



## Andy1001

Tb760 said:


> This post scares the sh$%t out of me, because this post is what my gut has been telling me from the moment of the awkward fist bump. I trust my wife, just like she trusts herself. But her inability to set boundaries with male friends will lead her right down this path. And the way you describe the way things unfolded, you don't sound like a horrible person with bad intentions. Just like feelings of jealousy can't be controlled. Feelings of love or intimacy can't be controlled either.


The fist bump was aimed at messing with your head and as far as that goes it was a success.
It is a players tactic,there are a lot of names for it but it’s best described as divide and rule.You cant stop obsessing about him and eventually your wife will tell him and he will play the hurt and offended party and plead that all he wants is a friend.She will end up reassuring him that they will stay friends and then he has her where he wants her.You have to realize that this guy is a player and he sees your wife as an easy conquest,someone not likely to have any std’s,using birth control and most importantly someone who won’t make a fuss when he dumps her because she has a marriage to protect.
I am not a violent person and I don’t have a jealous bone in my body but I can see your problem and I think you need to have a word with this little **** and maybe emphasize your point with a swift kick in the balls,also let your wife know that you will be making a complaint to her workplace.
To be honest your wife is either as innocent and naive as a five year old or she is manipulative and devious,you need to decide which.
I know what I and most of the posters here think.


----------



## ABHale

Tb760 said:


> Now this is where i messed up. Acouple days ago when she let me go through her phone infront of her, i didnt scroll to that part, as i was more focused on the "i had a dream about you" section of the text. So for me to bring that up, i would have to come clean about me going through her phone...which im close to doing. Like i said in an earlier post, the invite was more of an afterthought invite. i cant even really remember the wording. but like i said in the other post, she was showing him she was open to alone time with him. and the weird part about it, was he was the one that changed the topic. Like he could have easily said "maybe next time" and make plans for a later date. He never did that.


Like your friend at work said, he won’t make the first move. 

Why don’t you ask her about you meeting the OM at work and his awkwardness towards you.


----------



## Tb760

Andy1001 said:


> The fist bump was aimed at messing with your head and as far as that goes it was a success.
> It is a players tactic,there are a lot of names for it but it’s best described as divide and rule.You cant stop obsessing about him and eventually your wife will tell him and he will play the hurt and offended party and plead that all he wants is a friend.She will end up reassuring him that they will stay friends and then he has her where he wants her.You have to realize that this guy is a player and he sees your wife as an easy conquest,someone not likely to have any std’s,using birth control and most importantly someone who won’t make a fuss when he dumps her because she has a marriage to protect.
> *I am not a violent person and I don’t have a jealous bone in my body but I can see your problem and I think you need to have a word with this little **** and maybe emphasize your point with a swift kick in the balls*,also let your wife know that you will be making a complaint to her workplace.
> To be honest your wife is either as innocent and naive as a five year old or she is manipulative and devious,you need to decide which.
> I know what I and most of the posters here think.


Lol, problem with this is, the dude isn't small. i've had my share of fights. won some lost some. and i'm not scared of fighting, but man, it would really suck to get my ass kicked by the dude that's swooping on my wife! But with this dude, he would really have to not know how to fight for me to get the best of him. And i'm not about bringing a bat or anything to a guy. I have two kids that come before anything, and daddy with a record isnt on my to do list. And btw, he aint sexy big dude, he's one of those natually big, fat, stocky type. Like i said from the beginning, not a physicality i would consider a threat to my marriage. But yet..here we are.


----------



## ABHale

Tb760 said:


> This post scares the sh$%t out of me, because this post is what my gut has been telling me from the moment of the awkward fist bump. I trust my wife, just like she trusts herself. But her inability to set boundaries with male friends will lead her right down this path. And the way you describe the way things unfolded, you don't sound like a horrible person with bad intentions. Just like feelings of jealousy can't be controlled. Feelings of love or intimacy can't be controlled either.


I would print off what NJ2 posted and let your wife read it. It might just open her eyes.


----------



## Andy1001

Tb760 said:


> Lol, problem with this is, the dude isn't small. i've had my share of fights. won some lost some. and i'm not scared of fighting, but man, it would really suck to get my ass kicked by the dude that's swooping on my wife! But with this dude, he would really have to not know how to fight for me to get the best of him. And i'm not about bringing a bat or anything to a guy. I have two kids that come before anything, and daddy with a record isnt on my to do list. And btw, he aint sexy big dude, he's one of those natually big, fat, stocky type. Like i said from the beginning, not a physicality i would consider a threat to my marriage. But yet..here we are.


I have told you allready he is a player.If you can’t or won’t understand this then you have allready lost.
Without trying to be rude do you think if he was six four,body like Dwayne Johnson and as handsome as Tom Cruise that he would be chasing your wife.She is just another vagina to him.
Players do not depend on looks,if they had the looks they wouldn’t need to chase after married women.
One more thing.Do not let your wife think that this ******* intimidates you,she doesn’t seem to have much respect for you as it is.


----------



## MyRevelation

Tb760 said:


> Lol, problem with this is, the dude isn't small. i've had my share of fights. won some lost some. and i'm not scared of fighting, but man, it would really suck to get my ass kicked by the dude that's swooping on my wife! But with this dude, he would really have to not know how to fight for me to get the best of him. And i'm not about bringing a bat or anything to a guy. I have two kids that come before anything, and daddy with a record isnt on my to do list. And btw, he aint sexy big dude, he's one of those natually big, fat, stocky type. Like i said from the beginning, not a physicality i would consider a threat to my marriage. But yet..here we are.


You can make all the excuses you want, but when it comes right down to it ... this will stop when you say it does and not before. Time to draw a line in the sand ... "I refuse to share my W with another man".


----------



## MyRevelation

I am a huge proponent of BH's (... and you are a BH, even if it is just an EA) reclaiming their self-respect. This poem helped me a lot and I still refer back to it from time to time when I need recalibrating:

The Guy in the Glass

by Dale Wimbrow, (c) 1934

When you get what you want in your struggle for self,
And the world makes you King for a day,
Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
And see what that guy has to say.

For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife,
Whose judgement upon you must pass.
The feller whose verdict that counts most in your life
Is the guy staring back from the glass.

He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear up to the end,
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the guy in the glass is your friend.

You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,
And think you're a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.

You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the guy in the glass.


----------



## Yeswecan

Tb760 said:


> Lol, problem with this is, the dude isn't small. i've had my share of fights. won some lost some. and i'm not scared of fighting, but man, it would really suck to get my ass kicked by the dude that's swooping on my wife! But with this dude, he would really have to not know how to fight for me to get the best of him. And i'm not about bringing a bat or anything to a guy. I have two kids that come before anything, and daddy with a record isnt on my to do list. And btw, he aint sexy big dude, he's one of those natually big, fat, stocky type. Like i said from the beginning, not a physicality i would consider a threat to my marriage. But yet..here we are.


Big, fat, whatever, it is the attention that draws them in.


----------



## Malaise

Tb760 said:


> Lol, problem with this is, the dude isn't small. i've had my share of fights. won some lost some. and i'm not scared of fighting, but man, it would really suck to get my ass kicked by the dude that's swooping on my wife! But with this dude, he would really have to not know how to fight for me to get the best of him. And i'm not about bringing a bat or anything to a guy. I have two kids that come before anything, and daddy with a record isnt on my to do list. And btw, he aint sexy big dude, he's one of those natually big, fat, stocky type.* Like i said from the beginning, not a physicality i would consider a threat to my marriage. *But yet..here we are.


And this is why he gets away with it, guys disregard him as a threat.


----------



## Townes

Sounds to me like she is grooming him as much as he is grooming her. Which of the two try to escalate their relationship to the next level by going to dinner alone?


----------



## manwithnoname

Tb760 said:


> Lol, problem with this is, the dude isn't small. i've had my share of fights. won some lost some. and i'm not scared of fighting, but man, it would really suck to get my ass kicked by the dude that's swooping on my wife! But with this dude, he would really have to not know how to fight for me to get the best of him. And i'm not about bringing a bat or anything to a guy. I have two kids that come before anything, and daddy with a record isnt on my to do list. And btw, he aint sexy big dude, he's one of those natually big, fat, stocky type. Like i said from the beginning, not a physicality i would consider a threat to my marriage. But yet..here we are.


Start training. Weights. Martial Arts.

Protect what is yours. (Dignity, self respect, marriage etc.)


----------



## TRy

Tb760 said:


> he aint sexy big dude, he's one of those natually big, fat, stocky type. Like i said from the beginning, not a physicality i would consider a threat to my marriage. But yet..here we are.


If you you Google any of the many sites on how to steal another man's woman, the advice always given is to first be their friend and then use that friendship to let her vent about her man. One site titled “Taking Another Man's Woman: Part II”, says such things as “She has to perceive your intentions as being strictly innocent and friendly. Getting her to accept you as a friend is very important because later in the strategy, she will have to trust your opinion about her relationship. If she views your intentions as wanting to seduce her, she will not value your opinion.” This and other such sites tell you that no one is perfect so that no matter who her man is, there will be issues that they can exploit. For example, one site said "Cause/encourage the breakup. If you followed earlier steps, she should talk to you about the mistakes”, and continues with “If it's serious, let her know that what he does isn't right and she doesn't have to put up with it. Tell her you could never do that to her". Similarly, another site said "You want to make the girl you want to steal away feel like she can do a lot better than the guy she is currently with. How do you do this? It is quite easy. You want to wait for the perfect opportunity to get your jabs in.” This other man has targeted your wife more than you think, and a lot longer than your wife even realizes.


----------



## oldtruck

NJ2 said:


> I have been on both sides (I had an A with a coworker and I believe my H had one with a coworker as well)
> This guy is grooming her. I didnt see it of course when it happened to me but looking back it is very obvious. It starts with work related notes/texts, then funny little tidbits about each others day, then asking for love life advice, then gradually a "friendship" grows that seems innocent enough.
> 
> I was flattered by the attention and interest the guy was giving me. He also made me think he was an upstanding guy- one who would be protective, never think of doing something inappropriate....but hey wasn't I something special? didn't we have a deep friendship like no other? We were special little unicorns that just "got" each other. I wasnt doing anything wrong how could it be wrong if there wasnt anything physical going on?
> 
> Well theres nothing physical going on until one day there is.....we even discussed how it was wrong and it would never happen again...until it did....he even said he would never want anything physical to happen because it would to interfere with
> the special emotional bond we had...
> 
> I think the grooming part took quite a long time and was very gradual- we went out with other coworkers for dinner, for drinks for coffee until we went out on our own. It was gradual so that each new betrayal didnt feel like it was a big deal. I felt closer to him than I did my H eventually. In the end I broke it off with great difficulty. It interfered with my marriage for years as a guilty secret that festered.
> 
> I have no doubt that that is what is going on. Until I came on TAM I never really understood the dynamics of what happened. I thought he was a genuinely good guy. After reading more and more about affairs I realized what a snake he was. He was a creep and looking back makes my stomach turn. Of course it was 100% my fault - i could have chosen to stop at any point along the way and didnt.




It takes time to groom a wife into a WW. These OM are known to be grooming
several WW's at the same time. This way they always have a new target close to
harvesting when that affair ends.


----------



## dadstartingover

LOL... I see the conversation has further slipped into the vaguely sexist trope of the poor defenseless woman who lacks agency and cannot defend herself against the evil clutches of the "PLAYER" man. Wow... keep on believing that line, boys. Hit the gym and build up your muscles and confront these bad guys. See where that gets you.

As I said previously, after about the third or fourth guy you have to confront and scare away... you start to think that maybe the problem has been with your wife and her complete lack of boundaries all along.

People behave exactly how you expect them to... they behave within your own set of boundaries. By continuing to put the onus on all those evil men out there, you are basically telling the wife that she is free to do as she pleases, and you will continue to defend her and put the blame on others. She will push and push and push until you finally crack. 

A mentally healthy man would see her for what she is and move on. A codependent, fragile man would continue on in this "Not MY wife" line of thinking.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Just call the guy in front of your wife and put him on speaker phone. Use her phone. Start off innocently asking him why does he think it is appropriate to text another man's wife at 2 AM ? . Then ask him about the dinner plans. Her reaction and his response will tell you everything you need to know. 

She howls about the cheater's 4th amendment right to privacy concerning her phone remind her that she is free to have that privacy as a divorced women, that you will not stand idly by while your wife takes 2 AM texts from a man she invites to dinner behind her husbands back. Remind her That she has had days to mention the dinner date and conveniently forgot to tell you. Then ask her is there anything else she would like to tell you about this man's benign attention to her? Or any other man because you are beginning to wonder just who she is. 

If after all this she insists she is in the right then you 2 need some serious marriage counseling to get her out of the fog she is in and for her to recognize proper boundaries in a marriage. 

Her response to all of the above will tell you where her loyalties lay as opposed to smoothing words to pull the wool over your eyes with her righteous indignation over him being 'harmless' and 'just a friend'.


----------



## sa58

op sorry to hear the problem has not gotten better.
She still does not understand or she really likes the attention.
Her comment about not having friends may mean she does not want 
to give this guy up. It could mean she is all ready to close. Have you 
about talking with someone in your HR department? Just explain to them
the dream text, tat pics etc.They will want to talk to your wife and 
then you will know where she stands. She will get pissed and upset
but maybe she will see you are serious. If she continues to talk and 
maybe even flirt with the guy have you considered divorce threat.
I would still talk to the guy and if he does get upset and violent 
(hopefully not and do not do it yourself) maybe she will then see
he is not such a great guy!!! I think talking to her about this is 
wasting time. Either she is enjoying the attention to much or is all ready
emotionally involved with the guy. If she says you are being jealous or
controlling then tell her you will leave!! She may still try and continue 
what ever she is doing just underground. Be prepared for stronger action
up to and including divorce. You can stop a divorce anytime before it is final.
I hope you get this resolved soon. I hope you can get her to understand 
what is going on or maybe she does and is enjoying the attention and jealous
husband. You and only you can decide how much you will tolerate however. I
think thou you have all ready tolerated enough.


----------



## sa58

op If you do get this situation fixed you may want to
consider counseling because if your wife only has male 
friends then you may have a bigger problem than you 
think. HE KNOWS SHE IS MARRIED BUT SHE DOES TO!!


----------



## Rick Blaine

What steps are you taking to crush this affair and hold your wife accountable?


----------



## TRy

dadstartingover said:


> LOL... I see the conversation has further slipped into the vaguely sexist trope of the poor defenseless woman who lacks agency and cannot defend herself against the evil clutches of the "PLAYER" man. Wow... keep on believing that line, boys. Hit the gym and build up your muscles and confront these bad guys. See where that gets you.
> 
> As I said previously, after about the third or fourth guy you have to confront and scare away... you start to think that maybe the problem has been with your wife and her complete lack of boundaries all along.


There is no "poor defenseless woman who lacks agency" here. There is also no previous "third or fourth guy" in the history. What we have here instead are weak boundaries allowing a situation to possibly develop, where a player would be more adept at exploiting than most men. The OP needs to enforce better boundaries.


----------



## snerg

Why?

Why all .....this?

People are telling you to confront., to go to HR, to tell your wife.

Why?

Why are you allowing chaos and drama in your life?

Here's what you do:
Talk to a lawyer.
Find out your rights.
Get a divorce decree set up.

Sit your wife down.
Tell her "the more I think about this relationship you now hove, the more I'm convinced there's more to it than I can see because of your actions and in-actions"
"If you had to choose your friendship with POS or me which do you choose?"

More than likely she will be stunned because of the nuclear shot that was just launched (if she starts going about how you're out of your mind, jump down to option 1 below because you're not out of your mind and you will not be lied to or gas lighted any further).

Say "Tell you what. I'm going to get a drink. I want an answer when I get back"

Now you can do two things here:
1) get a drink and come back to your wife and say "Never mind. I should never have to ask my wife to choose between me and another male" then hand her the divorce papers

2) get a drink. Got back to your wife and get her answer. If she says keep the friend or has no answer, then hand her the divorce papers.

The problem you have is too much drama and a wife that is thriving on drama and having at the very least an EA with this POS.

Stop all drama by nuking the affair from orbit.
Then you can decide if you want to stay with her or not.


----------



## dadstartingover

TRy said:


> There is no "poor defenseless woman who lacks agency" here. There is also no previous "third or fourth guy" in the history. What we have here instead are weak boundaries allowing a situation to possibly develop, where a player would be more adept at exploiting than most men. The OP needs to enforce better boundaries.


No "third or fourth guy" in the past (maybe) but definitely in the future. 

You can't be by her side 24x7 "protecting" her from all those PLAYERS. You need a wife that you can trust will keep her legs closed around any other man, player or not.


----------



## manfromlamancha

Tb760 said:


> Lol, problem with this is, the dude isn't small. i've had my share of fights. won some lost some. and i'm not scared of fighting, but man, it would really suck to get my ass kicked by the dude that's swooping on my wife! But with this dude, he would really have to not know how to fight for me to get the best of him. And i'm not about bringing a bat or anything to a guy. I have two kids that come before anything, and daddy with a record isnt on my to do list. And btw, he aint sexy big dude, he's one of those natually big, fat, stocky type. Like i said from the beginning, not a physicality i would consider a threat to my marriage. But yet..here we are.


Trust me, the bigger and fatter they are, the harder they fall. All you have to be is quicker than him. And also decide what is going to hurt him the most and get the first hit in - knees, balls, solar plexus to wind him, or all three in really quick succession (and if you want to be really nasty, the eyes are particular weak spots - temporarily blinded people cannot fight). I grew up in a particularly tough and mean neighbourhood and had to protect myself from age 8 onwards! Like you, I took some beatings (and till today can take a lot of pain), but I survived the really bad ones by hurting the bigger blokes badly first! If you are successful, you will see the surprise, then the pain and finally the fear in their eyes as they go down.

However, I would not advise you to get physical with him for all the reasons you said unless you absolutely had to. And if he is big, do not use your hands to punch him - that would end badly!


----------



## eric1

Words with Friends is the Number One cheater app out there next to Kik


----------



## Roselyn

OP, woman here. The problem is not the male co-worker. The problem is your wife. She is married to you. She enjoys the attention and I dare say that she enjoys having two men squabble over her. Do not engage the co-worker in a physical fight. It will result in assault charges for you, not to mention the possibility of hospitalization. Deal with your wife & demand transparencies in her communication devices. No hiding phones & no male friends for your wife!


----------



## CTPlay

I've thought long and hard about what to write. Advice, looking back at my own situation. Looking at all the advice I received to save my marriage. Looking what men normally do in this situation. 

My advice.

Go to a lawyer, put down a retainer, and start preparing for divorce. Prepare to move out, and serve her the papers, sell the house and start prepping for a new life. Go to counselling to address your emotional issues of losing your wife. 

I don't think the above has ever been done immediately. Normally it takes months of agony, sometimes years. Most cases I've read here, the "normal" path of trying to reconcile, hasn't worked. 

Who knows, maybe the opposite would actually work.


----------



## SnowToArmPits

Tb760 said:


> Lol, problem with this is, the dude isn't small. i've had my share of fights. won some lost some. and i'm not scared of fighting, but man, it would really suck to get my ass kicked by the dude that's swooping on my wife! But with this dude, he would really have to not know how to fight for me to get the best of him. And i'm not about bringing a bat or anything to a guy. I have two kids that come before anything, and daddy with a record isnt on my to do list. And btw, he aint sexy big dude, he's one of those natually big, fat, stocky type. Like i said from the beginning, not a physicality i would consider a threat to my marriage. But yet..here we are.


Fine don't fight him but go talk this jerk and tell him to back off. Tell him any more communication between him and your wife, you go to HR and you'll report him. Companies won't tolerate this ****, seriously he's a bad employee.

Shut this crap down. You need to put in place zero communication between your wife and this guy, it may mean your wife needs to leave this company.

Also, you guys need some marriage counselling, first topic for discussion is boundaries in a marriage. 

You ignore this, good luck sleeping at night... gee I wonder if he just texted your wife?


----------



## The Middleman

@Tb760
Any updates?


----------



## TAMAT

The OM has already won a tactical victory by achieving friend status with your W.

At the same time he has created conflict in your marriage.

If you combine those two facts it makes the OM look better relative to you, and makes him one of the ones your W can confide in about her marriage troubles. 

You also have to be the bad guy and end the friendship, I suspect my W still has some resentment towards me for not allowing her to go to OM3 when he was dying without taking me along. 

Being friends with women is almost better than scoring with them from his perspective, since he can date throw aways while he keeps his more compatible women friends in reserve.

Tamat


----------



## Rick Blaine

OP admitted he is afraid to confront the other man. This fear is his undoing. So what if the OM is bigger and tougher. Physical advantages are no match for moral courage, guile, and mental toughness. I confronted a rogue who was bigger than me and was an ex marine. My exwife was smitten by him but once I confronted him and told him to lay off, the relationship ended and my wife admired and respected me for fighting for what is mine. By the way, no punches were thrown. There is more than one way fight. OP doesn't have to get physical to defeat the other man.

Of course, the much bigger problem is his wife. She has betrayed him by entering into this emotional affair. I addressed how to deal with her lack of boundaries early in this thread. So far the OP has taken no action. Death by 1000 cuts is in his future if be doesn't take action.


----------



## Tb760

The Middleman said:


> @Tb760
> Any updates?


The update... 2 days ago we had our last talk. I told her to end the friendship and she agreed. She was going to do it right in front of me and I told her she could wait til he contacted her, or do it tomorrow at a decent hour, as it was late at night.
The next morning on her way to work the first thing she did was text him, saying that "i" found their friendship inappropriate, that they talk to much and that I found a late night text that I felt crossed the line and they will have to talk mainly at work. He responded that those were not his intentions and that he understands and he is sorry and to tell me that he is truly sorry. My wife responded saying she knew that those werent his intentions and thanked him for inderstanding.
Now even though she did end the friendship, I still feel like they're on the same page and I'm the over jealous husband, which isn't fair. It's not my fault that she set zero boundaries, it's not my fault that this guy was textbook on the way he was grooming her and she couldn't see it. I'll never apologize for keeping her from continuing this friendship that would have been a bigger deal if it carried on. But I do regret letting this drag out because I was to worried about looking controlling or untrusting. During our last convo she told me "why didn't you just tell me this a week ago? It would have been done already. I told you from our first convo that I don't care about the OM friendship if it means it would effect our marriage. I told you to go through my phone multiple times, because I felt I have nothing to hide."
Now I know a lot of you will say they will go underground. But like I said before. This was early stages. The best thing for me to do is trust my marriage. Yes I do believe she was naive to what was happening and yes, I do believe physical violence is a last resort, that at this time is very unnecessary.
Did i get everything I want? No. I still ouldnt get her to understand the friendship was inappropriate. But I got enough to move forward.


----------



## sandcastle

Why in the world are you putting up with this caca?
Ohhhhh... I'm sorry . He is sorry. Gee.., we are all so sorry you BUSTED US.


Go ahead and get your mindeffed for what could be years. And years!


----------



## Satya

Give her the book "Not Just Friends" by the late Dr. Shirley Glass. Read it together. Hopefully the lessons will penetrate.

And you should have CALLED him on the phone together, there and then. You goofed by giving her a way to reach out without you present.


----------



## manwithnoname

Tb760 said:


> The update... 2 days ago we had our last talk. I told her to end the friendship and she agreed. She was going to do it right in front of me and I told her she could wait til he contacted her, or do it tomorrow at a decent hour, as it was late at night.
> The next morning on her way to work the first thing she did was text him, saying that "i" found their friendship inappropriate, that they talk to much and that I found a late night text that I felt crossed the line and they will have to talk mainly at work. He responded that those were not his intentions and that he understands and he is sorry and to tell me that he is truly sorry. My wife responded saying she knew that those werent his intentions and thanked him for inderstanding.
> Now even though she did end the friendship, I still feel like they're on the same page and I'm the over jealous husband, which isn't fair. It's not my fault that she set zero boundaries, it's not my fault that this guy was textbook on the way he was grooming her and she couldn't see it. I'll never apologize for keeping her from continuing this friendship that would have been a bigger deal if it carried on. But I do regret letting this drag out because I was to worried about looking controlling or untrusting. During our last convo she told me "why didn't you just tell me this a week ago? It would have been done already. I told you from our first convo that I don't care about the OM friendship if it means it would effect our marriage. I told you to go through my phone multiple times, because I felt I have nothing to hide."
> Now I know a lot of you will say they will go underground. But like I said before. This was early stages. The best thing for me to do is trust my marriage. Yes I do believe she was naive to what was happening and yes, I do believe physical violence is a last resort, that at this time is very unnecessary.
> Did i get everything I want? No. I still ouldnt get her to understand the friendship was inappropriate. But I got enough to move forward.


My take:

It will possibly continue, but underground (you must suspect this).
She is disappointed you didn't take charge earlier.
Best thing for you is to not just trust your marriage, but trust & verify.
Her not understanding the friendship was inappropriate is a problem, she will allow similar things to happen in the future, because she sees nothing wrong with it.
Still working together is a problem.

Dude, keep your guard up. Her telling him she knew that wasn't his intentions, after he lied about his intentions, should be concerning.


----------



## Just another

I second getting "Not just friends". If that doesnt wake her up to what was going on then nothing will. Good luck.


----------



## manwithnoname

Satya said:


> Give her the book "Not Just Friends" by the late Dr. Shirley Glass. Read it together. Hopefully the lessons will penetrate.
> 
> *And you should have CALLED him on the phone together, there and then. You goofed by giving her a way to reach out without you present*.


I mistakenly assumed he was present. So she sent those texts while on her way to work, alone in the car?

Sent the texts right after she called him and said "I'm going to send you some texts to make my husband happy, play along, and see you later"


----------



## The Middleman

Tb760 said:


> The best thing for me to do is trust my marriage. Yes I do believe she was naive to what was happening ...


*Trust but verify.* I can’t stress the importance of this, at least for the next several months.

As I said before, you did better than most others in your situation. Most guys today are petrified of being called “controlling”. I wear it like a badge of honor, you should too.


----------



## sandcastle

controlling male=insecure ****head


Man- no discussion needed cause it would never happen.


----------



## farsidejunky

TB:

Every step of the way has been sort of like this:

1. Even though I am being advised otherwise, I am going to do it my way.

2. You guys were right, and I wish I would have listened sooner.

3. Repeat step 1.


----------



## manfromlamancha

Maybe you should have drafted the NC message but that would not solve the main problem. 

You should clarify with her that 


you are not the jealous insecure husband


his intentions were not as honourable as he makes out


his apology was bogus and insincere and you certainly do not accept it (and also want him to know that)


she could not possibly "know" what his intentions were and this has possibly made the situation worse


you are concerned that she did not really get it


you were expecting her to just close it down without making you look like the bad guy

She needs to know this and then just leave it and leave her to think about it. As many have said, you cannot make her think or do something - you have no control over that - you only have control over how you handle it and what you do.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Tb760 said:


> The update... 2 days ago we had our last talk. I told her to end the friendship and she agreed. She was going to do it right in front of me and I told her she could wait til he contacted her, or do it tomorrow at a decent hour, as it was late at night.
> The next morning on her way to work the first thing she did was text him, saying that "i" found their friendship inappropriate, that they talk to much and that I found a late night text that I felt crossed the line and they will have to talk mainly at work. He responded that those were not his intentions and that he understands and he is sorry and to tell me that he is truly sorry. My wife responded saying she knew that those werent his intentions and thanked him for inderstanding.
> Now even though she did end the friendship, I still feel like they're on the same page and I'm the over jealous husband, which isn't fair. It's not my fault that she set zero boundaries, it's not my fault that this guy was textbook on the way he was grooming her and she couldn't see it. I'll never apologize for keeping her from continuing this friendship that would have been a bigger deal if it carried on. But I do regret letting this drag out because I was to worried about looking controlling or untrusting. During our last convo she told me "why didn't you just tell me this a week ago? It would have been done already. I told you from our first convo that I don't care about the OM friendship if it means it would effect our marriage. I told you to go through my phone multiple times, because I felt I have nothing to hide."
> Now I know a lot of you will say they will go underground. But like I said before. This was early stages. The best thing for me to do is trust my marriage. Yes I do believe she was naive to what was happening and yes, I do believe physical violence is a last resort, that at this time is very unnecessary.
> Did i get everything I want? No. I still ouldnt get her to understand the friendship was inappropriate. But I got enough to move forward.


And your wife asking him out to dinner? Rugsweeping that?


----------



## manwithnoname

I honestly think her attraction for the OM has gone up and her attraction for her husband, the OP, has gone down after the "ending of the friendship".

Her respect for OP has gone down as well.


----------



## Andy1001

Tb760 said:


> The Middleman said:
> 
> 
> 
> @Tb760
> Any updates?
> 
> 
> 
> The update... 2 days ago we had our last talk. I told her to end the friendship and she agreed. She was going to do it right in front of me and I told her she could wait til he contacted her, or do it tomorrow at a decent hour, as it was late at night.
> The next morning on her way to work the first thing she did was text him, saying that "i" found their friendship inappropriate, that they talk to much and that I found a late night text that I felt crossed the line and they will have to talk mainly at work. He responded that those were not his intentions and that he understands and he is sorry and to tell me that he is truly sorry. My wife responded saying she knew that those werent his intentions and thanked him for inderstanding.
> Now even though she did end the friendship, I still feel like they're on the same page and I'm the over jealous husband, which isn't fair. It's not my fault that she set zero boundaries, it's not my fault that this guy was textbook on the way he was grooming her and she couldn't see it. I'll never apologize for keeping her from continuing this friendship that would have been a bigger deal if it carried on. But I do regret letting this drag out because I was to worried about looking controlling or untrusting. During our last convo she told me "why didn't you just tell me this a week ago? It would have been done already. I told you from our first convo that I don't care about the OM friendship if it means it would effect our marriage. I told you to go through my phone multiple times, because I felt I have nothing to hide."
> Now I know a lot of you will say they will go underground. But like I said before. This was early stages. The best thing for me to do is trust my marriage. Yes I do believe she was naive to what was happening and yes, I do believe physical violence is a last resort, that at this time is very unnecessary.
> Did i get everything I want? No. I still ouldnt get her to understand the friendship was inappropriate. But I got enough to move forward.
Click to expand...

You got absolutely nothing except you managed to make your wife lose whatever fragment of respect she had left for you. You are so conflict avoidant it is cringeworthy,you are scared of your wife’s boyfriend and it shows. 
You didn’t want her to call him at an “unreasonable hour”,he wasn’t too bothered about calling your wife throughout the night. 
This is pitiful behavior and I have no doubt this affair will go physical if it hasn’t already. 
Your wife needs a man she can respect,she was literally asking you to show some backbone but you were afraid. 
I told you twice that this guy is a player but you haven’t acted. Did you even mention the dinner date?


----------



## Suspicious1

If there's another next time take pictures of the text with your cell, you can email them to yourself. 

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## Chaparral

Did you read the texts or is this what she told you? 

Google how to pick up married women. See if you can find the short list and print it off for her to read. Hopefully she will see this and lose some of her naivety and understand where you are coming from.

When did she quit playing words with friends with him? 

Did she actually go to the fair with them? What kind of fair was it? Rides?

When she asked him to go to dinner, what kind of place and who else would have been there? Did you explain that would have been the second date?

How close do they work together? Do they eat lunch together ? Is it an office situation?


----------



## manwithnoname

OP:

He's the buck that looks to inseminate the doe. You're the one looking on from a distance because you are afraid to engage.

Which one do you think the doe is attracted to?

Lock horns.


----------



## manwithnoname

I just re-read the first post and want to add to my most recent post:

She had her tail in the air for sure.


----------



## stro

It really does sound like your wife responded appropriately. The guy knows what was happening no matter what he says. If I were in your position I would acknowledge to my wife that she is right, I should have shut it down when she asked about it originally. I hope your wife understands it is NOT about jealousy. It is about protecting your marriage. It can be ok to have male friends but there must be appropriate boundaries. This thing was littered with red flags, you did the right thing. Lesson learned, time to move on.


----------



## Malaise

manwithnoname said:


> I mistakenly assumed he was present. So she sent those texts while on her way to work, alone in the car?
> 
> Sent the texts right after she called him and said "I'm going to send you some texts to make my husband happy, play along, and see you later"


Plausible.


----------



## TAMAT

TB760,

You wrote about your W and OM *and they will have to talk mainly at work*

So they will continue contact? Keeping the embers of friendship glowing. 

This is similar to the promises cheaters make when they end an inconvenient affair to get together someday perhaps when their spouses die or they get divorced or if they both get unicorns or whatever. 

My W also believes she is in complete control of her actions to the extent that she believes she can resist temptation more than I can, so while she wouldn't trust me to do what she does she feels it's ok for her. 

Tamat


----------



## Yeswecan

Tb760 said:


> * they will have to talk mainly at work.*


And the hits just keep coming in? It ain't over friend.


----------



## Um Excuse Me

TAMAT said:


> TB760,
> 
> *and they will have to talk mainly at work*


And take a long lunch together.......just the two of them....in the backseat.


----------



## sa58

Still no face to face telling him to leave your wife
alone. She texted him? She said she understood his 
intentions? She sure did!! She went to work after this
and told him she was sorry about what you did or made
her do. I will bet on it!! She is telling you one thing and
telling him something else! She knows what is going on
and still does not understand how this is wrong? Sure
she does!! YOU NEED TO HAVE HER AND HIM FACE TO 
FACE AND TELL THEM BOTH TOGETHER!! It will continue 
underground and communication will be at work. SHE KNOWS
WHAT IS GOING ON AND KEEPS DENYING IT. She even does this to your 
face. I bet her coworkers even know more than you do. Have
you asked any of them? NO bet you have not. Just find the 
biggest office gossip around and ask them or tell them.
Office gossip usually spreads like wildfire!! At least 
try and put it out in the open so she maybe will feel
some regret. NOPE!! OP PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THE
COMING PAIN OF A PHYSICAL AFFAIR!! SHE KNOWS HE
KNOWS the only one who does not get it is you.
She still does not understand boundaries?
I AM SORRY IT JUST HAPPENED HONEY
You will hear that soon. I bet!!
Nothing about her wanting to go 
on a date night with him? Her actions 
are speaking louder than her words.
BE PREPARED!!!!! I am sorry my husband
is acting this way. I understand your intentions
(OM) I REALLY REALLY DO. I am enjoying them.


----------



## Tb760

stro said:


> It really does sound like your wife responded appropriately. The guy knows what was happening no matter what he says. If I were in your position I would acknowledge to my wife that she is right, I should have shut it down when she asked about it originally. I hope your wife understands it is NOT about jealousy. It is about protecting your marriage. It can be ok to have male friends but there must be appropriate boundaries. This thing was littered with red flags, you did the right thing. Lesson learned, time to move on.


 This is how I feel. I knew starting this thread I was going to come across radical ideas from men that have recently went through this. I will still keep an eye on things. But some posters on here think every time she takes a piss, he's waiting in our bathroom with his weiner out. She has done everything I've asked and even though it wasn't worded the way I would like, she still did it. We are in a happy marriage. We were in one before this and are getting along great right now. I truly feel she had a male friend without boundaries that could have turn into an EA. I feel I put a stop to it. And I feel good.


----------



## bandit.45

Just stay vigilant. Sometimes the wayward takes the affair underground.


----------



## Townes

You said in your first post that you told her you were uncomfortable with their friendship and two days later she completely disregarded that and asked him out to dinner. You then say, "I know these are little signs." You couldn't be more wrong. They're huge. It's not just a matter of her having poor boundaries either. That implies passivity on her part. She is proactively pursuing this guy.


----------



## Windwalker

Tb760 said:


> Lol, problem with this is, the dude isn't small. i've had my share of fights. won some lost some. and i'm not scared of fighting, but man, it would really suck to get my ass kicked by the dude that's swooping on my wife! But with this dude, he would really have to not know how to fight for me to get the best of him. And i'm not about bringing a bat or anything to a guy. I have two kids that come before anything, and daddy with a record isnt on my to do list. And btw, he aint sexy big dude, he's one of those natually big, fat, stocky type. Like i said from the beginning, not a physicality i would consider a threat to my marriage. But yet..here we are.





Tb760 said:


> The update... 2 days ago we had our last talk. I told her to end the friendship and she agreed. She was going to do it right in front of me and I told her she could wait til he contacted her, or do it tomorrow at a decent hour, as it was late at night.
> The next morning on her way to work the first thing she did was text him, saying that "i" found their friendship inappropriate, that they talk to much and that I found a late night text that I felt crossed the line and they will have to talk mainly at work. He responded that those were not his intentions and that he understands and he is sorry and to tell me that he is truly sorry. My wife responded saying she knew that those werent his intentions and thanked him for inderstanding.
> Now even though she did end the friendship, I still feel like they're on the same page and I'm the over jealous husband, which isn't fair. It's not my fault that she set zero boundaries, it's not my fault that this guy was textbook on the way he was grooming her and she couldn't see it. I'll never apologize for keeping her from continuing this friendship that would have been a bigger deal if it carried on. But I do regret letting this drag out because I was to worried about looking controlling or untrusting. During our last convo she told me "why didn't you just tell me this a week ago? It would have been done already. I told you from our first convo that I don't care about the OM friendship if it means it would effect our marriage. I told you to go through my phone multiple times, because I felt I have nothing to hide."
> Now I know a lot of you will say they will go underground. But like I said before. This was early stages. The best thing for me to do is trust my marriage. Yes I do believe she was naive to what was happening and yes, I do believe physical violence is a last resort, that at this time is very unnecessary.
> Did i get everything I want? No. I still ouldnt get her to understand the friendship was inappropriate. But I got enough to move forward.



I can't believe this thread has went on this long, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Confidence and decisivness will generally always win the day. 

I'm going to go against the grain on this. There is not a man on the planet I will not take on if need be. You know that scruffy assed dog down the street on 3 legs and missing part of an ear named scrappy, well that's me. I will NEVER EVER stop coming. 1 ass whopping or a 100, I'm going to get me some regardless of outcome. I fear no man! 

As for the second post, you screwed the pooch. Your indecisiveness caused this all in the first place. You can count on the friendship going underground. You are going to have to keep an eye on things, because from here on out anything could happen. You should have set boundaries earlier. Your wife asking why you didn't bring it all up before is one of your last clues. Don't get me wrong, I would lay the lay down on her as well, because as much as noone wants to acknowledge the elephant in the room, she likes the attention. 


Good luck. You're going to need it.


----------



## sa58

Op!
He knows she is married she does to

he knows what he is doing so does she

grow em grab em or cut them off and
hand them to her and him!! Gift wrapped.


----------



## Yeswecan

Tb760 said:


> This is how I feel. I knew starting this thread I was going to come across radical ideas from men that have recently went through this. I will still keep an eye on things. But some posters on here think every time she takes a piss, he's waiting in our bathroom with his weiner out. She has done everything I've asked and even though it wasn't worded the way I would like, she still did it. We are in a happy marriage. We were in one before this and are getting along great right now. I truly feel she had a male friend without boundaries that could have turn into an EA. I feel I put a stop to it. And I feel good.


Glad you feel you put this to rest. Should not have gone on this long in thirst place.


----------



## Evinrude58

Tb760 said:


> This is how I feel. I knew starting this thread I was going to come across radical ideas from men that have recently went through this. I will still keep an eye on things. But some posters on here think every time she takes a piss, he's waiting in our bathroom with his weiner out. She has done everything I've asked and even though it wasn't worded the way I would like, she still did it. We are in a happy marriage. We were in one before this and are getting along great right now. I truly feel she had a male friend without boundaries that could have turn into an EA. I feel I put a stop to it. And I feel good.


You didn't put a stop to it. She still works with him, she still communicates with him. The only difference is that now this will go underground. She didn't have a male friend. She had a boyfriend she was about to start dating right in front of you.
You are wanting this to all go away and have your marriage be just like it was before. I get it. I truly hope it works out for you like you plan. I personally think that it's very likely that this thing between her and this guy is going to get worse, because you are too scared of this big guy to put the last definitive nail in his coffin by speaking to him IN PERSON and making things CLEAR TO HIM, that this is your wife and he is to stay away from her or that you will do whatever it takes to make sure he does YOURSELF. Yes, you could get your butt kicked. Yes, you could feel like a jerk. 

BUT....... Your wife will respect that and what you need now more than anything else from her is a little RESPECT. Because she has shown you almost none.
Just my opinion.


----------



## oldtruck

Tb760 said:


> The update... 2 days ago we had our last talk. I told her to end the friendship and she agreed. She was going to do it right in front of me and I told her she could wait til he contacted her, or do it tomorrow at a decent hour, as it was late at night.
> The next morning on her way to work the first thing she did was text him, saying that "i" found their friendship inappropriate, that they talk to much and that I found a late night text that I felt crossed the line and they will have to talk mainly at work. He responded that those were not his intentions and that he understands and he is sorry and to tell me that he is truly sorry. My wife responded saying she knew that those werent his intentions and thanked him for inderstanding.
> Now even though she did end the friendship, I still feel like they're on the same page and I'm the over jealous husband, which isn't fair. It's not my fault that she set zero boundaries, it's not my fault that this guy was textbook on the way he was grooming her and she couldn't see it. I'll never apologize for keeping her from continuing this friendship that would have been a bigger deal if it carried on. But I do regret letting this drag out because I was to worried about looking controlling or untrusting. During our last convo she told me "why didn't you just tell me this a week ago? It would have been done already. I told you from our first convo that I don't care about the OM friendship if it means it would effect our marriage. I told you to go through my phone multiple times, because I felt I have nothing to hide."
> Now I know a lot of you will say they will go underground. But like I said before. This was early stages. The best thing for me to do is trust my marriage. Yes I do believe she was naive to what was happening and yes, I do believe physical violence is a last resort, that at this time is very unnecessary.
> Did i get everything I want? No. I still ouldnt get her to understand the friendship was inappropriate. But I got enough to move forward.


The friend ship was not ended. She just told him that he cannot text her at home.
They will just have to talk at work from now on.
Unbelievable.


----------



## oldtruck

Tb760 said:


> This is how I feel. I knew starting this thread I was going to come across radical ideas from men that have recently went through this. I will still keep an eye on things. But some posters on here think every time she takes a piss, he's waiting in our bathroom with his weiner out. She has done everything I've asked and even though it wasn't worded the way I would like, she still did it. We are in a happy marriage. We were in one before this and are getting along great right now. I truly feel she had a male friend without boundaries that could have turn into an EA. I feel I put a stop to it. And I feel good.


She has done nothing. She is still being his friend, still talking with him At work.
You do no know how many affairs I have seen start this way.


----------



## Noble1

Guess the important thing is that you learn from this experience and keep a vigil on your wife for future actions.

Next time (and if she did not learn boundaries there will be a next time) take all the advice here and make your stand.

Good luck.


----------



## Chaparral

I think you are on the right track. However there is a big but.

Your number one responsibility in life is protecting your wife and then the rest of your family. As folks have said, they work together and things can escalate at work. Her asking him to go out to dinner for
me is so far out of line that I would still be on red alert. I think you need to use some VARs, phone tracking and car gps devices for awhile. Simply because you are already on red alert and nothing but proof is going to make you rest easy.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Tb760 said:


> This is how I feel. I knew starting this thread I was going to come across radical ideas from men that have recently went through this. I will still keep an eye on things. But some posters on here think every time she takes a piss, he's waiting in our bathroom with his weiner out. She has done everything I've asked and even though it wasn't worded the way I would like, she still did it. We are in a happy marriage. We were in one before this and are getting along great right now. I truly feel she had a male friend without boundaries that could have turn into an EA. I feel I put a stop to it. And I feel good.


I don't think it is radical to confront one's spouse about why she is asking someone who texts at 2 AM out on a dinner date. She never told you and you never asked. That alone is a type of deception on her part and on yours as well. 

Hope you are right. Good luck.


----------



## manwithnoname

Tb760 said:


> This is how I feel. I knew starting this thread I was going to come across radical ideas from men that have recently went through this. I will still keep an eye on things. But some posters on here think every time she takes a piss, he's waiting in our bathroom with his weiner out. She has done everything I've asked and even though it wasn't worded the way I would like, she still did it. We are in a happy marriage. We were in one before this and are getting along great right now. I truly feel she had a male friend without boundaries that could have turn into an EA. I feel I put a stop to it. And I feel good.


Good that you will still keep an eye on things, and that you feel good. I think it was an EA that could turn into a PA. Not so sure you put a stop to it, just added a speed bump so they can choose a different path.

I want to remind you about the "was going to invite you to dinner" You do know this was her way of finding out if he was interested, without actually asking him for a date? This is worse than loose boundaries.

Just tryin' to help, man. Do not think this is over, by a long shot. 

I haven't been through this or anything like this with my wife. I am just going by what I would think if I was experiencing what you are, but with my wife. I would think something is not right. No personal texting with a member of the opposite sex at all. Goes both ways.


----------



## The Middleman

Tb760 said:


> I will still keep an eye on things. But some posters on here think every time she takes a piss, he's waiting in our bathroom with his weiner out.


No one knows your wife better than you, so you are only one who can make that judgment. Having said that, some of these people here who are overly cautious, as you say, know what they’re talking about. 

Several years ago, there was a thread started by a guy named DevastatedDad, who thought he had the issue fixed the same way that you do now. Sadly, he was very wrong. I was going to give you a link to his thread so you could read what he went through, and how his wife took the affair underground in a sneaky, degrading and disgusting way. Unfortunately, it seems the thread was deleted. That’s sad because there are a lot of lessons to be learned from his experience. If I remember straight, that guy was one step away from putting a gun in his mouth. When I say trust but verify, it’s for your own good.

@MattMatt Does DevastatedDad’s thread still exist?


----------



## ABHale

Tb760 said:


> This is how I feel. I knew starting this thread I was going to come across radical ideas from men that have recently went through this. I will still keep an eye on things. But some posters on here think every time she takes a piss, he's waiting in our bathroom with his weiner out. She has done everything I've asked and even though it wasn't worded the way I would like, she still did it. We are in a happy marriage. We were in one before this and are getting along great right now. I truly feel she had a male friend without boundaries that could have turn into an EA. I feel I put a stop to it. And I feel good.


 I still think you need to let her read the post by NJ2.

Also get the book not just friends. Read it together.


----------



## x598

all that was accomplished here was the OP taught his wife to be more careful with her shenanigans and take them deeper underground.

sadly I see nothing to indicate she values her marriage and the game will continue.


----------



## BobSimmons

Tb760 said:


> They will have to talk mainly at work.


:grin2::grin2::grin2: Talk at work it is then!

Congratulations!


----------



## Rubix Cubed

oldtruck said:


> She has done nothing. She is still being his friend, still talking with him At work.
> You do no know how many affairs I have seen start this way.


 And now he has given them common ground to team up against him. She can commiserate to OM about her "over jealous"husband, while he reassures her he "would never treat her like that".
Tb760,
You started out on the right track but ran out of steam and gave away what little power you had in this. You need to set new boundaries for her of ZERO contact with OM.


----------



## manwithnoname

Rubix Cubed said:


> And now he has given them common ground to team up against him. She can commiserate to OM about her "over jealous"husband, while he reassures her he "would never treat her like that".
> Tb760,
> You started out on the right track but ran out of steam and gave away what little power you had in this. You need to set new boundaries for her of ZERO contact with OM.


This really is the only way, at this point.


----------



## MattMatt

The Middleman said:


> No one knows your wife better than you, so you are only one who can make that judgment. Having said that, some of these people here who are overly cautious, as you say, know what they’re talking about.
> 
> Several years ago, there was a thread started by a guy named DevastatedDad, who thought he had the issue fixed the same way that you do now. Sadly, he was very wrong. I was going to give you a link to his thread so you could read what he went through, and how his wife took the affair underground in a sneaky, degrading and disgusting way. Unfortunately, it seems the thread was deleted. That’s sad because there are a lot of lessons to be learned from his experience. If I remember straight, that guy was one step away from putting a gun in his mouth. When I say trust but verify, it’s for your own good.
> 
> @MattMatt Does DevastatedDad’s thread still exist?


 @The Middleman I think he deleted it a long while back.


----------



## Nucking Futs

Some folks can learn from others experience, and some folks have to make the mistakes and learn the lessons from them themselves. I don't think we can help Tb760. I think he's going to have to lose this wife before he'll understand. Hopefully he'll be able to absorb the hard lesson that's coming his way before it happens with his next wife.


----------



## sh987

Tb760 said:


> This is how I feel. I knew starting this thread I was going to come across radical ideas from men that have recently went through this. I will still keep an eye on things. But some posters on here think every time she takes a piss, he's waiting in our bathroom with his weiner out.


You're right; we don't know her, and we're only hearing about her more negative contributions, so I understand that we don't have the most nuanced view of her right now. We all have read this script a million times, though, and the direction it can go is usually very predictable.



> *She has done everything I've asked and even though it wasn't worded the way I would like, *she still did it. We are in a happy marriage. We were in one before this and are getting along great right now. I truly feel she had a male friend without boundaries that could have turn into an EA. I feel I put a stop to it. And I feel good.


It's not just that she didn't word it the way you would like. Her message puts all of the blame on you and accepts none of the responsibility for her role in this problem. She didn't tell him that any of their activities were inappropriate, she said that you weren't ok with it. This signals to him that she was perfectly fine, and that you're the bad guy here. YOU are the reason she can't be "friends" with this guy, and not the poor boundaries, and practically begs him to contact her on the sly, because it would be unfair for people who are "just friends" to be kept apart by her controlling husband. They have an easy launching pad for the discussion to turn from his problems with women to her problem with you.

Speaking of begging:



> "why didn't you just tell me this a week ago? It would have been done already. I told you from our first convo that I don't care about the OM friendship if it means it would effect our marriage. I told you to go through my phone multiple times, because I felt I have nothing to hide."


She is almost desperate for you to be stronger here. You don't have to be built like Charles Atlas or be the heavyweight champion of the world, but wishy-washy isn't high up on the list of qualities that wives look for in a husband. This game of "I don't like this", "Ok, I'll do that for you", only for you to say "Well, we don't have to go THAT far" when that was exactly what you wanted can't continue.


----------



## Evinrude58

sh987 said:


> You're right; we don't know her, and we're only hearing about her more negative contributions, so I understand that we don't have the most nuanced view of her right now. We all have read this script a million times, though, and the direction it can go is usually very predictable.
> 
> 
> 
> It's not just that she didn't word it the way you would like. Her message puts all of the blame on you and accepts none of the responsibility for her role in this problem. She didn't tell him that any of their activities were inappropriate, she said that you weren't ok with it. This signals to him that she was perfectly fine, and that you're the bad guy here. YOU are the reason she can't be "friends" with this guy, and not the poor boundaries, and practically begs him to contact her on the sly, because it would be unfair for people who are "just friends" to be kept apart by her controlling husband. They have an easy launching pad for the discussion to turn from his problems with women to her problem with you.
> 
> Speaking of begging:
> 
> 
> 
> She is almost desperate for you to be stronger here. You don't have to be built like Charles Atlas or be the heavyweight champion of the world, but wishy-washy isn't high up on the list of qualities that wives look for in a husband. This game of "I don't like this", "Ok, I'll do that for you", only for you to say "Well, we don't have to go THAT far" when that was exactly what you wanted can't continue.


Good post. Wish the OP would be around to read this, I suspect like most betrayed spouses, the truth is too hard to swallow.


----------



## jd08

Man, she totally threw you under the bus when she said you were the one who found these texts inappropriate. She is basically telling this POS that you are the reason they can no longer talk at 2 AM and enjoy each other's text messages. She's painting you as the bad guy here which signals a total lack of respect. I've put up with this same **** before and it just gets worse over time. You might think it's fixed but it will just pop up in another area at another time. You just have to figure out if the lack of respect for you is because of something you can control or it is an external problem with her. You can do something about the former but probably not the latter.


----------



## Suspicious1

OP any updates?

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## Dutchman1

I am afraid we will read more from OP, when he comes back and admits, they took it underground.
Sorry OP.

Luck

Dutchman 1


----------



## arbitrator

Tb760 said:


> It's 4 a.m as I'm writing this. About two months ago my wife has became a friend with a male co worker (me and my wife work for the same company. Different department) that we both know. Nice guy. I would never feel like he could be a threat to my marriage.
> As they became closer friends at work she asked what I thought about her making him her friend (as she lacks friends) and I told her that's fine, but it would be a little weird to just start a 1 on 1 friendship with a single guy from the get go. She told me he invited her to the fair with other co-workers and she was thinking about it, but I worked that day and we have 2 young children. I didn't think much of it at all. There have been no red flags at all. I notice they were texting more frequently. She told me he was asking for advice about a girl he was chasing and she even included me in the convo, asking for my opinion.
> As the days went by I noticed they were texting a lot more and playing words with friends non stop every night together. Then I see him at work and he says hi to me, gives me a fist bump then says "sorry" puts his head down and walks away from me. It was weird. I still dont know what thats about.
> That night we go to bed, my daughter wakes us up crying and my wife Checks on her. Idk why I did it, but I reached over and looked at her phone and saw that he text her at 2 am. I pretended to be asleep when she came back in the room and she continued a convo with him thinking I was asleep. This lead me to talk to her about how I didn't like their friendship and she agreed that she wouldn't like it if I were talking to another girl. So I thought we fixed that. Then tonight she fell asleep on the couch and I did it again. Click her phone so her lock screen shows and it's a text from him at 10:30. So I did something I've never done before. I opened her phone and read their conversations. It turns out the 2 am text from him was about the girl he was chasing. Then she responded that our daughter woke her up and she just saw his text. He responds by telling her he just had a dream about her and the dream was very pg. Nothing sexually inapropriate. She didnt open any windows with flirting or anything like that.
> Now the texts after "our talk" about their friendship were her saying she wanted to invite him to dinner at one of her favorite places after work but it would have been out of his way.
> This really bugged me because I told her I was uncomfortable with their situation and 2 days later she's saying she wanted to invite him to dinner. I feel like she's opening opportunity for something/anything? The texts she recieved from him today was pics of his new tattoos. No biggie.
> I know these are just little signs. but she continues to be in contact as if we never had a talk about it.
> I have never been jealous or had these kind of gut feelings I'm having right now in our entire 5 year relationship. I feel like if I don't interfere it can become a big problem. But this is all coming from my gut. And the weird part is I don't know who's at fault and who's initiating.
> Do I tell her I looked at her texts? Am I just being paranoid? Is this a legit friendship? He has never said "bring your husband". What next steps do I take?


*Late to the party, as usual, but I say for you not to play your hand until such time that you have enough information to "indict," or to move on along!

Notwithstanding, you should try to copy and safeguard those texts/records of conversations with him, as you may need those at some future point in time!

Sorry to see you going through all of this!*


----------



## LeGenDary_Man

@Tb760

Seriously, man?

The OM is much smarter than you and has wooed your wife. He has an imposing frame (acknowledged by you) and is able to interact with your wife in the office without having second thoughts. On top, he is very careful in his interactions and a master of push-and-pull strategy. He is not just a player, but a shark.

Ever heard of push-and-pull strategy for relationships? FYI: https://seduceinseconds.com/dating-advice-push-and-pull-technique/

Your 'politically correct' mindset of not wanting to be perceived as a controlling jerk and/or inability to make a decisive call in the face of a 'questionable development' is *the* PROBLEM.

Recap time:

_"She offered me to read the texts. I declined (which I regret) and then asked me what should she do about the friendship. *I said it was okay,* but I'm going to revisit that today and have her set boundaries."_

Emphasis mine. NOT OK.

_"I feel better now. I do believe her, but I also believe she is naive."_

Emphasis mine. She is (not) naive but a WOMAN.

_"I've been at work today feeling a little anxiety and I feel like *if I bring it up again I'm just beating a dead horse.*"_

Emphasis mine. No, you are not beating the dead horse! This horse is alive and kicking.

_"I told her that now that she knows where i draw the line, that she will *let her next male friend know* whats appropriate from the 1st sign of questionable behavior."_

Emphasis mine. No Male friends, period. Why doesn't your wife seek friendship with females?

_"But her *inability* to set boundaries with male friends will lead her right down this path."_

Exactly! You should not allow your wife to forge friendships with males. Female friends only.

_"She was going to do it right in front of me and I told her she could wait til he contacted her, or do it tomorrow at a decent hour, as it was late at night."_

*FACE PALM* x 2

_"The next morning on her way to work the first thing she did was text him, saying that *"i"* found their friendship inappropriate, that they talk to much and that *I* found a late night text that *I* felt crossed the line and they will have to talk mainly at work. *He responded that those were not his intentions and that he understands and he is sorry and to tell me that he is truly sorry. My wife responded saying she knew that those werent his intentions and thanked him for inderstanding.*"_

Congrats! The OM succeeded in painting you as the bad guy in all this, and your wife agreed with him. 

Your reluctance to cast your foot down earlier in the night when your wife was willing to comply - projected you as a (sensitive) 'politically correct' feeb who will not stand his ground - VERY UNATTRACTIVE. 

On your face, buddy.

_"Now even though she did end the friendship, I still feel like they're on the same page and I'm the over jealous husband, which isn't fair. It's not my fault that she set zero boundaries, it's not my fault that this guy was textbook on the way he was grooming her and she couldn't see it."_

Oh please! You are a CONCERNED husband and you have the right to enforce boundaries for your marriage. You recognize that your wife lacks in this domain so you need to dissuade her from having male friends for the sake of maintaining your marriage. 

The male friend in question here is a hell of a player and is grooming your wife - you saw through this but you are worried about your perceived reputation in regards to jealousy and such. LAY OFF such sensitivities (or) risk loosing every ounce of respect from your wife and marriage consequently.

Safety of your marriage is on the line - what the hell are you thinking?

_During our last convo she told me "why didn't you just tell me this a week ago? It would have been done already. I told you from our first convo that I don't care about the OM friendship if it means it would effect our marriage. I told you to go through my phone multiple times, because I felt I have nothing to hide."_

HELLO. You hear that?

That is your wife expecting you to MAN UP and make a decisive call: either you close this chapter (or) stop complaining. 

Your pathetic responses like 'next male friend' and 'she could wait til he contacted her' - are utterly disappointing stances to take under these circumstances.

_"This is how I feel. I knew starting this thread I was going to come across radical ideas from men that have recently went through this. I will still keep an eye on things. But some posters on here think every time she takes a piss, he's waiting in our bathroom with his weiner out. She has done everything I've asked and even though it wasn't worded the way I would like, she still did it. We are in a happy marriage. We were in one before this and are getting along great right now. I truly feel she had a male friend without boundaries that could have turn into an EA. I feel I put a stop to it. *And I feel good.*"_

Oh HAHAHAHAHAHA

HA HA HA HA

Trust me! The OM feels good too. Recall the conversation in which your wife painted you as the source of friction in their friendship and agreed with him.

-----

This act should have played out in this way:

1. Convey to your male friend that this friendship cannot continue, period. IN FRONT OF ME.
2. Seize all contact with your male friend.
3. Any interaction between you two in the office should be work-related (nothing else)
4. I work in the same office and if you didn't get my memo yet - I will confront your male friend myself and this confrontation may turn into something ugly for all of us.
5. Decide whether our marriage is important [OR] that pathetic excuse of a groomer.
6. Now take off your cloths; I need a release.


----------



## Dining Friends

You should open up already and tell her your fears so that she will already stop if it's really leading to something else.


----------



## Nucking Futs

OP hasn't looked at this thread in over a month.


----------



## Andy1001

Nucking Futs said:


> OP hasn't looked at this thread in over a month.


The truth hurts and op is hurting.
He was given excellent advise but his cowardice prevented him from doing anything.
I still can’t believe he didn’t tell the om to stop contacting his wife at HER suggestion, because it was an “inappropriate hour”.The om had no problem texting his wife at two thirty am to tell her he was dreaming about her.
The om is a player and would have moved on if the op had made it clear he wasn’t to contact his wife,but op hadn’t the balls.


----------



## SunCMars

I will be honest....

When I read these posts my mind goes crazy.

The wife being groomed by the other man.

I can see them, visualize them, the wife and the other man doing the dance.

I can hear the words, write the words, feel the passion, feel the excitement and oh' my, the heat.

I think this is the reason so many arrive at TAM. And hang onto every word, every happening, none happenstance.

Yes, one of the two knows the steps to the dance by heart. One teaches the other. Both are 'in' to the feeling.

The dance sways, sashays to and fro. The smiles on both their faces. Geez.

Soon, they are dancing close, holding each other tight. Both feeling the other's pulse, the other's heat.
Smelling the other's flesh.

It becomes intoxicating to the dancers.

It becomes intoxicating to the readers.....here.

Oh yeah, the men pound their chests and scream "Divorce, boot her to the curb".
The women, some of them say, "Well, what did you expect, beta-fella?"

No readers will say it is proper, is moral, is OK
Because it is not OK.
No..

The pain of discovery causes ripples, not only to the two star-struck lovers, but usually through two families.
Friends and work become involved.

All impacted must take a stand. 

Everyone standing in quicksand.
All sinking down a bit, some going under, never to recover what was lost.

Lost, thrown away for a thrill, for foolish love.
................................................................................................................................

Makes one jealous. 
Wishing some of that thrill would come into the readers life.

And it does, vicariously. Does so by reading about it here.

Feeling the dancers, smelling their cologne, their perfume.
Picturing their lips, imagining your's plastered there, replacing theirs with yours.

Feeling young again, feeling wanted again, desired again.

...............................................................................................

Oh, The Dance, 
How mesmerizing it is.

The Dance is wonderful. Oh, yes it is.

But when the music stops, the dance follows, ends.


----------



## Andy1001

While dancing,the man may lead.
But the woman has to move her legs too.


----------

