# I am doing everything I can but it's not enough



## Greathusband (Apr 2, 2013)

My wife and I have been married for 8 years and are now having serious marital problems. She has been overwhelmed with work, taking classes, lack of sleep, managing life, etc. for the last 3 years. In 2011, I lost my job and was out of work for a year. Soon after, we lost our house and had to file for bankruptcy. Over that time, we stayed together. We have a 4 1/2 year old son and haven't had a strong intimate relationship since he was born. Our relationship has been more like a friendship over the last 4 years. We get along and don't fight very often, but don't have that intimacy or closeness. While she will be finished with classes this month and her stress level should go down, she says she needs a break to "figure things out" this summer. She agrees that the problem is her and that she'll go to counseling for help. 

She broke down crying yesterday, overwhelmed with everything. She says she doesn't want to hurt me, and wants me to be involved with our son's life as much as I am now. She calls me the perfect husband and perfect father but she's not attracted to me at this time. The intimacy switch has been turned off on her end for a while. She has mentioned that I should stay at my parents(10 minutes away) this summer to give her space and give her time to figure things out. 

I've been told their is nothing I can do to make her love me....she has to want to make an effort in this. I'm afraid if I keep pushing this will push her away more.

I am struggling as I love her and don't want to "give in". Other people have told me, "don't leave the house", the person that wants out of the marriage should leave. This is not a violent relationship. I want this marriage to work, and I don't think she really understands what a divorce will do to us and our son. Can you provide any guidance?

I greatly appreciate it.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Any marriage takes two and both success and failure are shared. 
Could there be anyone else in her life - classmate, co-worker, friend - with she is feeling closer than with you? 
When was the last time the two of you had time together - just the two of you. 
What about couples counseling ?


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## Furious George (Nov 14, 2011)

Greathusband said:


> My wife and I have been married for 8 years and are now having serious marital problems. She has been overwhelmed with work, taking classes, lack of sleep, managing life, etc. for the last 3 years. In 2011, I lost my job and was out of work for a year. Soon after, we lost our house and had to file for bankruptcy. Over that time, we stayed together. We have a 4 1/2 year old son and haven't had a strong intimate relationship since he was born. Our relationship has been more like a friendship over the last 4 years. We get along and don't fight very often, but don't have that intimacy or closeness. While she will be finished with classes this month and her stress level should go down, she says she needs a break to "figure things out" this summer. She agrees that the problem is her and that she'll go to counseling for help.
> 
> She broke down crying yesterday, overwhelmed with everything. She says she doesn't want to hurt me, and wants me to be involved with our son's life as much as I am now. She calls me the perfect husband and perfect father but she's not attracted to me at this time. The intimacy switch has been turned off on her end for a while. She has mentioned that I should stay at my parents(10 minutes away) this summer to give her space and give her time to figure things out.
> 
> ...


You have been through alot. I would suggest marrriage counseling for both of you, not just her. I don't think a "break" would work. Sometimes that just gives someone the time needed to plan their exit. Sounds like the ILYBNILWY, which I'm afraid does not usually bode well. Any chance there could be someone else?


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## Greathusband (Apr 2, 2013)

At Maneo - Thanks for your advice. We have been to couples counseling 3 times together and a few times separately since October. We haven't been consistently, so that is our next step(In May) if my wife agrees to it. We go on a date night once a month, but haven't been on a over-night date since October. I am just confused as to how to act....should I hug her when she doesn't really hug back. There is zero intimacy and touch. Zero. Should I keep doing things for her (laundry, breakfast, etc.) There is little effort on her part on our relationship....and that won't change until she gets consistent counseling and/or medication.

At Furious and Maneo - I am pretty sure there is no one else. She doesn't go out at night or on the weekends and comes home after work. Sometime over the last few years, other things have taken a priority over our marriage. "LIFE" (work, school, kid, bills, Etc.) has consumed her and our relationship has taken a back seat. Again, I don't know if that "spark" can just re-appear without serious counseling together and with her separately. Again, this is HARD because we get along and don't argue. We are just "friends" and don't have that closeness we once had. Can you PLEASE offer any other advice? Thanks so much! GH


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## somearbitraryname (Apr 1, 2013)

My wife and I tried couples counseling last year. If she isn't "into it", and really trying to make things work, it won't do anything. That was my experience at least. I'm in the same boat with zero intimacy and touch, and little effort on her part. I question about doing things for her as well, what's the point? Why am I still being nice to you?

We might be farther along towards divorce than you and your wife are but I agree, it's hard. I love her dearly and don't want to just "give in". But we live in a no-fault divorce state so I can't just delay things forever if it comes to that. I too worry about what it will do to us (finances mainly) and especially our son. She says it will be fine and eventually better off, but I'm having a really hard time seeing that.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She wants a "break"? She's been on vacation from marriage for over four years. She doesn't need more distance between her and her husband. She's reduced her marriage to little more than a piece of paper. She needs to decide who she is. If she's a wife, she starts acting like one. If she's something else, go see a lawyer, write it up, and set the OP free to have a real life...and a real wife.


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Greathusband,

I'd love to give you the female perspective on this one. Unfortunately, I find myself in much the same boat... the boat that I feel like I've been paddling alone for far too long. I finally asked my husband to go to counseling with me, and he simply rolled his eyes. He says he'll go, but physical presence isn't all that's required. I have told him several times over the past months that I understand that we may never have sex again, but I long to be kissed like something other than someone's mother. Loving, intimate kisses just don't have the same effect when you have to lie in bed beside your spouse and ask for them. I wish you the very best, Greathusband. It sounds to me like you've certainly put in the work and deserve to by happy in whatever form that may take.

mattsmom


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## Fakehappy (Mar 15, 2013)

I think she wants out of the marriage. If you don't want to live like roommates and there's no foreseeable resolution, then you need to consider other options. If you love her, give her the space that she's asking for. If she loves you, she'll come back to you emotionally and physically. There's no sense in holding onto a relationship that is one-sided.


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## carolinahunt (Mar 31, 2013)

Another female perspective here. I am just like your wife. The only difference is my husband pushed me away over the years when he started lacking respect and complaining and insulting me over the small stuff like how I clean dishes. He's even tried to kick me a few times and threw a punch at my father and cursed out my mother. Not only has he gotten fat (I'm a fitness instructor) but he farts and burps around my family and is just plain gross. We also are not intimate in fact he turns me off during sex and I'm just plain grossed out.

We have 2 kids age 5 and 20 mos and it makes me sad that I'm disliking their father. In my case there isn't another person per se but other men do hit on me and it makes me wonder if I deserve t be treated better! We tried counseling but when counselors point out his flaws he gets angry. He doesn't think anything is wrong with him.

I am totally done! I'm in this marriage right now for the kids and finances. Im too young to live this passionless life. I too am finishing school to start a new career and am planning on leaving once I'm done in 3 years! Don't be surprised if this happens to you. You can't make her love you. These things build up over time
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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