# Your wife's past



## Jimbob82 (Jun 29, 2012)

Hi there,my wife and I are currently experiencing what I can only describe as a 'room-mate' atmosphere in our relationship. Our sex life is virtually non-existent any more.she's 36 and attractive, size 12 and with a nice style. She's a Stay home mom with our 1 year old. lately though, She never initiates sex any more, and any attempts from me to create a sexual spark are nearly always rejected. Been married 4 years, together 8. The reason for this post is that For some reason lately - I have started to think back to her past. When we met, I was 22 and a virgin, whilst she was 27 and had 2 kids. She told me that I was her 7th guy, and she also told me that as a bet for money off some guy friends at college, she kissed and had sex with another woman. In the past when our sex life had a spark and was fun and enjoyable, I never gave this a second thought, but lately with her constant rejections, her past exploits have been dragged - in my mind - into the present and it is driving me insane! E.g. When she pushes me away for the 3rd time in a week, its like a voice in my mind is saying 'so, you'd have drunken sex as a bet, but you can't show your husband one iota of affection' and I think back to her having orgasms from other people, and dressed all sexy for nights out, doing all sorts of horny things with exes, where all we've ever really shared is evenings on the sofa and dealing with the kids, jobs and boring money problems, and not the drunken horny fun you're meant to have when you're young. I feel cheated that she got all that horny fun when she was 17-20 whilst I at that age was a bedroom masturbator. I know it's irrational and pointless, but has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation where thoughts and thinking of your partner having fun -not with you- eats away at you, even though its pointless to think that way? I could use a byatch-slap right now to snap me out of it, I know, lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

You've got a 1 year old together and she has kids from a previous relationship?


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Well something surely is going on if you two aren't having sex, let alone "drunken horny fun."
My H & I have shared our sexual pasts, with the caveat that neither of us could ever use it against the other.
I'm happy to say 6 years later that neither of us has done so, as my H said, "the past is the past, I'm only concerned with the here & now."
You're comparing your current sex life with your wife's past & it's not healthy, focus on WHY she's not sexual now, ask her what the issue is, don't guess.
It's difficult to wonder why someone was a certain way before, maybe she realized to stop having "drunken horny fun" because of the problems it caused for her.
You won't know unless you ask her, you need to find out what her sexual motivation is now. 

I'm sure the TAM men will be in here shortly to give their input.


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## Jersey86 (Jul 4, 2012)

I don't think it has anything to do with the past. My past numder is much larger than my wife's . Talk about your feelings with your wife.

We (me and my wife) are in couples therapy now for similar lack of sex. Even when there is sex she does not seem present. We are in therapy only about 6 weeks so there has been no diagnosis but we seem to have received alot of info on the subject of intimacy anorexia(sp?)

Good luck please keep. Us informed


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

Hello
I would suggest focusing on what might bring you more intimacy. Reading some of the threads from women who feel sexual unsatisfied it tends to be related to how the man approaches them. Perhaps that is an issue for her, perhaps she feels there is no romance, but just a chore she is being asked to do? 

She doesn't sound like the women she was in her past (3 children and maturity), so perhaps it is not about what she was, but about what she now feels she needs?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Start reading bookslike "His Needs, Her Needs", "The Five Love Languages", and "No More Mr. Nice Guy". 

Are you helping out around the house, taking up the slack while she cares for the baby? Do you you help clean, cook, get the two older kids ready for bed at night?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Start reading bookslike "His Needs, Her Needs", "The Five Love Languages", and "No More Mr. Nice Guy".
> 
> Are you helping out around the house, taking up the slack while she cares for the baby? Do you you help clean, cook, get the two older kids ready for bed at night?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


THIS... is called foreplay at my house. And yes, read the books.

Also, you can't help that she's older. You can't help what she was doing back when you were a wee wanker. That's just life mate.

Read the books, do the foreplay. Remember, most women can't just turn it on and off like us. They need to get warmed up.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Get her off Facebook all the time too. That will help...as we told you in your other thread. You said there that she has her face ALWAYS on Facebook...on her phone, on the computer, whatever. To the point that she's not paying attention to you, nor to the kids. And, you never suspected (until we mentioned the possibility) that there was ever any concern....

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-c...arginalised-wifes-facebook-cellphone-use.html


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Okay, I checked your other thread and see she has two from other guys before you, 13 and 15.

Basically, your wife sees you as a so-called "beta-provider." That's a guy a woman will hook up with to provide for her and her children, even though she has no sexual attraction for said guy. Your wife has you right where she wants you, on the hook.

Time to detach, Alpha up, start going out, bodybuilding. Trade in your car on something a little flashier or maybe a Harley. I know you won't, but that's what needs doing.


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