# Just Joined - Help!



## Calliope (Mar 17, 2011)

I've been lurking around on these forums for awhile, trying to see if there are similar stories so that I can get some advice, but I finally bit the bullet and created an account... so please, please help.

This post is probably going to be long, so I apologize in advance, but I want to make sure I provide as much information as possible so that there is no confusion. 

At the end of this month I will have been married for 2 years, together for a little over 3. We "met" through an online dating site and had our first face-to-face meeting/date back in December of 2007. Physically he wasn't my type of guy as he has a larger frame and more weight on him compared to everybody I've dated in the past, but we shared many similar interests and he was a good guy.

Prior to me he had never gone on a date before, never kissed a girl... nothing. I was his first in every sense of the word. I, on the other hand, had my first boyfriend when I was 16 and have dated/slept with a ton of guys ever since. I was always safe and never caught an STD/STI, but when I was 20 I did get pregnant and had a daughter 9 months later. Her biological father tried forcing me into getting an abortion, even threatening me to go to the appointment he forced me to make by letting me know he had a gun in the trunk of his car. Obviously I didn't buckle under pressure and I haven't seen him since I was around 8 weeks along. 

The problem that I'm having, or I guess you could say we are having, is that there is no passion at all between us. I've experienced those feelings in the past for other men, but I've never felt that animal urge or desire towards my husband. I think he's a handsome guy (although he would quickly shoot that down as he is very hard on himself), but he still just isn't the physical type that makes me want to jump his bones. In the early stages of our relationship there was a bigger connection but now it feels as if we are two roommates who are best friends that live together and love each other. When trying to explain the passionate feeling to my husband, he doesn't get it because he has never felt that way... which makes things even more difficult because I feel bad for him not having that experience.

My husband, while a great guy, is very vanilla. He doesn't know how to turn me on, how to engage in proper foreplay, nor does he ever get creative in the bedroom. I've asked him numerous times if he wants to do anything different but all I get out of him is a, "I don't know, what is there to do?" I know for a fact that the guy has watched a ton of porn before we got together, and we have even watched some throughout our relationship. I tell him to think back to some of the things he has seen and if any of it was appealing to him but I get absolutely no response. It's always up to me to figure it out since I was slu*ting it up back in the day. 

The one time I got him to finally be dominant in the bedroom was good, but I could tell that it wasn't "him" - if that makes any sense. It took a lot to get him to feel comfortable with making any noises, and even then it is never consistent. We haven't had sex in 2 months and before that it was another 2 month break. That's pretty much how it goes and it's frustrating because I really enjoy sex. His aversion to it is the fact that it's a process. I'm not on any birth control (my choice, I don't like how it affects me) so we fool around, he goes down on me (since that is the only way I can orgasm), and then I use spermicidal gel for me and he puts on his manly sheath. Because of that annoying break in between, the momentum and excitement is lost. I've thought about trying Mirena but I'm not too keen on having something implanted inside my body and staying there for years at a time. It just doesn't appeal to me and I worry how the hormones will affect my anxiety/mild depression.

I currently am not working. The job I had at the beginning of our relationship let me go in 2008 because I was sick for 2 weeks and had no idea what I came down with. The day before I was to get my test results back was when they called me, and even though I did a brief stint trying another job, I haven't been earning an income since. My husband has an excellent job that pays well but starting around now until the end of the year he has horrible hours. Starting around June he will be at work for 10+ hours and will even have to go in on Saturdays. The only time of the year where I get to see him a lot is from the end of December until early March when he typically works from 8 until 12 (he's salary so the reduction in hours doesn't do anything to us financially). 

We only have one car which he uses to get to work (he drives 70 miles round trip 5 days a week until he works 6 days a week), and the closest thing we have that's within walking distance is a pizza parlor and a gas station (a 2.4 mile round trip walk) so I guess you could say I'm in BFE. Also there are no nearby bus stations so I seriously spend all day long inside our house. The only "friends" I have are the ones I've made online. Our neighbors are much older than we are (we both turn 29 this year), and the "friends" I do have locally were made through my husband since he knew them first or is related to them. Obviously since they have closer ties to him I can't talk to anybody about any issues we may have since everybody is gossipy and I can't trust them. Needless to say I spend all of my time on the computer - my phone never rings, I never get any text messages, so I am alone with only my online friends for company. It also doesn't help that my husband is an introvert and would rather spend the time he isn't at work at home, on the couch, and either watching something or playing a video game. I should put it out there that I am a huge gamer so it's not that I care about him gaming, because that would be hypocritical, but it's that I'd like to go out every once in awhile... even if it's to Target and look at stuff.

Because of how tight our finances are, we never go out to do anything. The only times we really go to the movies is if it's during the time I get to see my daughter, or if we get tickets to an advanced screening. There is also NOTHING to do here in the town we live in. We have no museum, no attractions, tickets to events/concerts are too expensive, and everything to see has already been visited. I know for a fact that I don't want to keep living in this town for the rest of my life but Hubby is an only child, a Mama's boy, and where I'd want to live (a major city about 4 hours north of here that has a ton of stuff to do) is far from any of his family that he is close to.

On the subject of his family, they are all nice, but because of their culture they are supposed to be nice so I question just how genuine it is. There is also a massive cultural barrier since almost all of them come from a different country. During family events they rarely speak English, and most of the older generation, save for one who is actually taking classes, don't speak it nor will they even try to. However it is expected of ME to go out of my way and learn a new language even though I'm in my city and country of birth. That has always bothered me as I find it incredibly rude and inconsiderate. I'm also not religious at all, neither is Hubby, yet they all are so that is very interesting. As much as I enjoy being around them, it gets pretty frustrating to always have to sit in a corner somewhere and find solace and sanity from my iPhone.

Back in 2009 my Mother did the worst thing she could possibly do to me - have me served with papers going for guardianship of my daughter. In her declaration to the courts she told so many lies about me yet had no proof to back up her claims. My grandmother, who raised me when I was child and has always talked bad about my mother, had the audacity to lie to me about knowing what she was up to and supported my mother. In the blink of an eye I lost what family I had left (my biological father had his marriage to my mother annulled before I was even born and everybody else has passed away), and despite the fact that I had things backing me up (we don't drink, we don't smoke, we don't do drugs, neither of us have criminal records, my husband is certified to be a teacher, etc) I lost in court after fighting for 7 months. Ever since that happened I have had a hard time figuring out who I am. Everything I thought I knew about my family and who they are as individuals turned out to be a lie, and I have nobody to turn to for support. I can't talk to my mother about anything because I can't trust her at all, and I don't even speak to my grandmother anymore. Also I have no culture to identify with, and I was so hellbent on having some form of normalcy in my life that, on the Thanksgiving after I lost in court, I cooked for over 50 of my husbands relatives just so that I could have a Thanksgiving like the ones I had growing up.

It's been difficult for me because I do feel alone, I do feel jealous of the family my husband has, I feel like I can't be myself (whoever that is because I'm not even sure anymore), and I just need to break free. I have dreams and aspirations and if I continue to stay where I am I will never achieve them. Also, what I want for my future doesn't correlate with what my husband wants for his. Since we got together he has said that he wants to be a father, and he would make a damn good one. He is the best with my daughter, and I couldn't ask for anything more, but, and I'm not sure if this is tied in to the bad experience I had with my daughter during my pregnancy and afterwards, I don't want to have any more little ones. Two months into our relationship we almost parted ways because I wasn't sure if I wanted more kids but he was saying how important it was to him. This entire time I've tried to get excited about it, tried to psyche myself into it, but when I really sit down and think about being a mother right now... I don't want to do it and I can't guarantee that I ever will. I know what it's like to have to wake up several times throughout the night and have to take care of an infant alone, but my husband doesn't and thinks that it will be a walk in the park. I also don't want to have to, again, put what I want on hold while I go about and take care of a dependent. If I were to be a mother, I would want to be one full-time because I had to go back to work when my daughter was a few months old so that I could support us. For awhile I even worked two jobs and missed out on so much. I wouldn't want to do that again nor would I want somebody else raising my child. I would also want to home school them since our educational system here is going to hell in a handbasket. Sure, raising children can be rewarding, but I know that later on in life I'd regret not going after my dreams and I hate having regrets.

I've talked to my husband about all of this many times over the past week or so. He's been a depressed mess, I've cried so many times I've lost count, and I feel just awful about all of this. I have always said that when I get married that's it - no divorce, but if things stay the way that they are we aren't going to be happy. He says now that he wants me and doesn't care if we never have children but I don't believe it. There were times where my cycle was off and we thought that there could be a chance and he would get so excited, rub my stomach, and do all of those cute, doting things... so to go from that to being alright with never experiencing that? I don't buy it. 

My husband is my best friend. While we have so many similar interests and view points, because of how sheltered my husband has been in his life, there are things about me and my past that he will never be able to relate to. He has no passion for life, no desire to do anything but the status quo (which isn't necessarily a bad thing except for the fact that he is fine being complacent and going through the motions), and his range of emotions go from apathy to anger/sadness. He is rarely genuinely excited or happy about anything, aside from when we got engaged and when we got married, and I just don't see myself being happy with somebody who is so content with settling.

I really don't know what to do because I do love him, although I am not sure if it's the right kind of love anymore, I don't want to lose him as it would kill me to see him happy with another woman having the life he wants/deserves... but at the same time I don't want us to end up resenting our marriage or each other. I do want him to be happy and I want him to have everything that he wants, as I know he wants the same for me, but all of his is absolutely heartbreaking because I never thought there would come a time where we didn't have each other in our lives.

We have discussed separating and divorce. I already told him I wouldn't go for spousal support, he said that even if it wasn't in our divorce papers that he would let me stay living in the house with him paying for everything until I got a job and was on my feet financially, and that we would still be friends since the divorce wouldn't be due to anything malicious. 

I guess I'm just worried that, while I want/need to go off and figure out who I am independent of someone else or a relationship, I will regret whatever choice I make. Hubby has said that the only way he will be truly happy is if I am 100% fine and in love with the person that he is right now (in which I can't guarantee that), but I don't want to hurt him. I will feel absolutely horrible if we divorce since that will be the first break-up ever for him, and it will also be a divorce. I don't want to be that person because he means the world to me. If we do divorce, I'll forever kick myself in the ass if later on I realize that I made a mistake in leaving him but then it turns out it is too late and he has moved on.

I'm scared, confused, sad, and a ton of other things. I want passion, connection, and all of those things that my husband can't give to me but on the flip side I don't have to worry about him ever cheating on me, being a bad husband/father, and a bunch of other things that plague other marriages. Am I being selfish for wanting more out of my life and our relationship? I feel that there are so many things I need to figure out for myself because if I were to die tomorrow, there is a lot I haven't accomplished - no college degree, no career, traveling, etc. 

I just need help.......


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

OK, smaller things first.

As for contraception I highly recommend the full copper IUD. It doesn't have the hormones of the other IUD and is more effective.



> He says now that he wants me and doesn't care if we never have children but I don't believe it.


 He wants you more than a kid. I've been in a position like this, and I would believe him.

I think you won't be happy where your at without IC and MC, so if you do stay, you need to get into that. My mc story is in my profile, but we don't have a ton in common.

Which Marriages Are Worth Saving?
Do I Really Need A Marriage Counselor?
How to Save Your Marriage
How To Find Affordable Marriage Counseling

Is moving an option? It doesn't sound like you are going to be happy where you are at. You need a BIG change. Can you see yourself moving with your husband and doing that or only alone? I think he would make HUGE changes for you if you figured out what you want.

I think that your situation has greatly affected your mood towards your husband. You guys might be able to work it out if you moved and made a new life together, but only you can decide that.

You said your financial situation was tight. Splitting up is only going to make that tighter. The cost of a months rent is usually more than 1-3 months of counseling.

Again, I can't tell if you would be happy with your husband. Only you can decide that. I think you can IF you made a big change with him. I think just getting out of the house and having a job you slightly enjoy would help a ton.

I'm sorry I can't give you more than that. You might want to make a shorter post to see if you get more responses.


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## Calliope (Mar 17, 2011)

Thanks. I took a look at the copper IUD's so when I see my OBGYN again I will bring that up because it looks like a good option.

Moving right now isn't an option because of the amount of money it takes. I did apply for a job last Friday that I would be able to do from home and is based in the city that I want to move to so my plan is to do the job from home for so many months, save up what I can, and then use that for relocating and asking if they would be willing to pay me more to help offset any changes in cost of living. He has said that he is more than willing to move up there however he loves being around his family and his mother gave us so much grief when we moved to where we are now because it's on the opposite end of town from where she lives.

It's just difficult because I want him to be happy and to have everything that he wants out of life, and I also want the same for myself. What I want is more career minded but what he wants is more family oriented yet I don't want to be bogged down with children and all of that. He's open to counseling so that's good, and I have no problem attending that with him as I know it can be beneficial. 

We are cut from different pieces of cloth and his inexperience in certain things is showing more. Because of living with his mom he doesn't know how to cook, I've been the one to do most of the cleaning in the kitchen and the bathroom, and his idea of doing the laundry is washing it, putting it in the dryer, and either leaving it in the dryer or leaving it in a basket to get all wrinkly. I've told him numerous times how the clothes should be hung up but he doesn't care and the one time he hung things up, which was almost 2 years ago, he put everything in the closet haphazardly even though I had taken the time to organize everything nice and neatly.

I know a lot of what's going on rests on my shoulders, so I take responsibility for my part. I just wish he was more than what he is - more sexual, more passionate, more driven, more motivated... 

Thanks for replying though. I really appreciate it


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Open to counseling is really good. 

Again, just realize what you are saying. You are planning on relocating and separating. If you NEED this much of a change in your life, he is probably willing to join you instead of you leaving him. Especially since he is open to MC.

I know you feel trapped right now, but I'm pretty sure he is willing to make a BIG change for you. It sounds like he loves you and wants to make you happy, but thats not possible where you are at.


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## Calliope (Mar 17, 2011)

anx said:


> Open to counseling is really good.
> 
> Again, just realize what you are saying. You are planning on relocating and separating. If you NEED this much of a change in your life, he is probably willing to join you instead of you leaving him. Especially since he is open to MC.
> 
> I know you feel trapped right now, but I'm pretty sure he is willing to make a BIG change for you. It sounds like he loves you and wants to make you happy, but thats not possible where you are at.


He has said that he would look into seeing if he could do his job remotely, since he works on a computer all day anyways, so he is open to relocating. The problem is that he is really close to his family and where we would be going is a 4 hour drive away from his immediate family - Mom, Aunt, Uncles. When we moved across to the other side of town (a 30 minute drive to give you an idea), she was complaining about it saying how she never sees him, how we surely could've found a place closer, and all of this other stuff trying to guilt him. If we move it will only be worse. She's the kind of mother where, if he doesn't call her every couple of days, she says stuff like, "oh, you rarely call. I could die and you wouldn't know it." Fun times, I know.

I did find out today that the job I applied for wants to do a phone interview with me next week so that right there is, hopefully, helping me get one step closer to getting out of this wretched town. How Hubby factors in is still to be determined. I did bring up the Copper IUD suggestion and he was soooooo for it but I have to schedule an appointment with my OBGYN first. I, of course, want to do more research into it and weigh pros and cons.

Thank you for all your help, seriously.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

You H needs to chose you over his mother, and you may need to say that to him directly. Its really not ok for you guys to lose happiness for your mother in law to be happier. I really think that is a large part of the issue here. His mother is slightly happier (more visits and phone calls) and its made your life pretty miserable. 

Is not OK for a spouse to guilt a person into action. It often borders on emotional abuse when you don't do what the other person wants. It is 100% NOT ok for your mother in law to guilt your H like that.

I always advocate for people to stay together. I changed quite a bit to make my marriage happy. It was 100% worth it. 

If you could get a new job, move somewhere that makes you happy. If you are still interested in making it work, be open to a separation and MC to see if it can be repaired. There is a fairly good chance that if you find a new way (both of your happiness being the biggest priority) you guys can find happiness. If you had happiness before, it can be found again. If you were never happy, there probably isn't hope.


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