# Devestated and hurt can't wrap my mind around it.



## zanzan (Mar 24, 2012)

Hello everyone, I am new here, read a few of the posts and replies and like this forum.
I am in a very bad situation, I need to vent. I cannot talk to my family or friends about this because it is too embarrasing. I created a very long post about what happened but I am not sure if I should write such a long post.

How do you tell a story about such a bad situation without all the details?
I am not looking for anyone to fix this for me, just some input or even just knowing people have read my story would help me!

Would a long post be ok?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

break it into multiple posts. We're pretty good about following a story line.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

Post as much as you need. Some may be daunted by reading a long post but most of us just want to help no matter how long the story. Post your main issues and the rest of it comes out with replies to responses anyway...


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

For making it more readable, please try single post, neatly paraphrased.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

Well, we can't help him if he doesn't post something at least.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

He or She?


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

AngryandUsed said:


> He or She?


Good question.


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## zanzan (Mar 24, 2012)

I have been married for 18 years, I am 47, my wife is 38. I was faithful to my wife for 17 years till the day I had a 3some with 2 other women, before you judge me please read my story.

In the first 3 years of our marriage, there were several occasions where friends of mine and hers told me that she was cheating on me. I always went to her and asked her and she denied it, one thing I noticed is that she did not change towards me emotionally or sexually so I took her word for it and brushed aside any doubts about her loyalty to me.

We have 3 beautiful children now, we were married 5 years before we became pregnant with our first child. 

I was super hubby during the pregnancy, never missed an appointment, gave my wife foot rubs, bathed her and cooked healthy food that she really enjoyed. 
I helped her in every aspect of the pregnancy and her wishes were my command. During the pregnancy I cut back on my hours at work to be the loving supportive husband, in turn I ended up losing my job.

The day our baby was born, my wife changed and took a 180 degree turn. I went from being the center of her life to non-existant. 
I figured breast feeding and having the baby sleep in bed with us was exhausting her so I was very understanding and I backed away and gave her all the space she needed. 
I remained super hubby and super dad and never let her feel that I was neglected. I wanted her to feel my love and full support.

A year later we moved to the current state where we live, my wife wanted to move here so she can be close to her family. 
It was not a secret to me that her family hated me, they hated me before they met me because I have a different religion than theirs and my wife had converted to my religion on her own accord. 
It was mostly her mother and aunt (mom's sister). 
Soon after we moved here, my wife became very cold towards me, thanks to her mother moving in with us we began to argue almost every day about nothing really. 
During the year since the baby was born we would have sex once every 3-4 weeks. 
I am a very fit man with a lot of libido and had to rely on porn and my right hand to stop myself from going insane due to lack of sex.
I would always ask her if I turned her off, I asked her if the spark is gone, I asked her if she needed me gone so she can move on with another man. Her answers were always no, that I did not understand!!! 

I started noticing that she would look at me like I was a stranger, her kisses were empty, her hugs were cold. 
I felt like I was bothering her all the time, like I was in the way. I asked her if she still loved me then and she insisted that she was and that I am the love of her life. 
Her words did not match her actions or feelings she was generating towards me.

A few weeks later she told me she was having a problem that had developed during the birth of our first child, mind you our kid was already 14 months by then and she had never said a word about it. 
She began going to a chiropractor, and her moods became much worse but she was getting physically better.

Before moving to our current state we knew a couple in person that we chatted with online after we moved. The wife began chatting with me a lot late at night when I was up playing computer games and masturbating to relieve myself. 
She began to flirt with me and complain about her husband. 
She was giving me a lot of attention even though it was all in chat and never on the phone or in person, it felt great that a woman was actually interested in me. 
2 weeks into this my wife decided to use my computer, I had my ICQ open and the other woman sent me a sexual message and my wife went off the deep end calling me a cheater and what have you. 
It was hardly cheating because I never resupricated, I only enjoyed the attention I was getting but never gave the other woman the attention back.
I promissed to not contact the other woman and we all calmed down and moved forward.

Over the years we ended up having 2 more kids, we would have intense sex during her ovulation periods then she would not touch me for the rest of the month. 
Things went from bad to worse, we rarely had sex anymore, I remember one time we went 9 weeks without intercourse (I dont mean during pregnancy or after giving birth, I don't count those times). 

I became miserable, depressed and gained almost 75 pounds. I focused on work as I had become a business owner after our second child was born and I was working a lot of hours.

In 2006 and over the phone I met this sales lady who sold me goods for my business, she was extremely helpful and very kind to me. 
I continued dealing with her for the next few years and we developed a friendship, purely platonic. 
She was living with a man who refused to go to work, she had 2 kids with him and he's been sitting at home not earning a living for the last 6 years. She was very frustrated with the situation and ended up kicking him out.

My friend started other relationships and dated several men, she would have issues with them and she would text me and call me a lot to discuss her issues. 
She was funny and made me feel important because she wanted to talk to me. 
Meanwhile my wife had completely forgotten that I even existed. My wife was busy with the kids, her mother and the rest of her family.

One day my wife discovered that me and my friend text and call each other a lot, she became insanely jealous and broke a lot of items in the house in her fit of anger. 
I explained and so did my friend that we are nothing more than friends, that nothing happened romantically or sexually between us, which is the truth!
I asked my friend to stop all contact with me as it was upsetting my wife and that was the end of it.

The lack of sex became chronic, during my wife's 3rd pregnancy she complained that it was hard for her to sleep with me so I ended up sleeping on the Sofa for the next 3.5 years.
We were drifting so far apart.  
I love her so much, I would miss her touch and long for her kisses and attention. 
I decided to start working out and losing weight. That angered her and she began picking fights with me about it, trying to sabotage my efforts of eating healthier and working out daily.
My motivation to workout and eat better was more about my health and the fact that I was now in my mid 40s. 

I kept trying to reach out to my wife and explain that I needed her intimacy, friendship and sex. 
I would buy flowers, presents take her to dinners, even attempted to take her on vacation just the 2 of us to no avail. She was simply not interested anymore and typically she would turn my plea for attention into a huge fight where I would end up leaving the house not to inflame the situation.

In one of our arguments I told her I needed to get laid, that I was very frustrated. I was losing my mind, there was nothing wrong with her and I felt that we needed to have intimacy.
She told me to get it elsewhere. She told me she loved me but she had no sexual desires towards me or anyone else. 

She said as long as I did it away from her and the kids, as in a different town, made sure it was all one night stands then it would be all good.
The only condition she mentioned was that I let her know when I was going to meet someone for sex, I did not feel comfortable with that.

I could not bring myself to do it. I would think about it, I even placed ads in different dating sites but when it came down to it I only wanted her and would not go on the dates.

In May of last year, my lady friend called me again, I asked her not to call me but she insisted on calling. 
At this point my friend and I have not spoken for over 2 years. She had become a successful business owner and wanted to do business with me.
I told her I will think about it and approach my wife and see what she has to say.

Everytime I would go to tell my wife I would remember the fits she threw regarding this woman so I would not tell her that my friend called me.
I told my friend that my wife had given me a hall pass so my friend suggested that me and her should have sex, I told her I wanted to have a 3some with 2 women since that was a long time fantasy of mine, she said she will try and find another lady, a few days later, she told me she had a friend who would do it with us. 
Stupid me, I went for it and never mentioned that I was going to do it to my wife after all she had been telling me to go get laid for nearly 2 years now. 
I did not feel it was necessary to tell her because I did not want to hurt her feelings. I was never out to hurt my wife, even now after what she did to me out of revenge I still have no desire to hurt her.
The 3some was not enjoyable for me, I felt like I was there to perform for the 2 women, I wanted my wife there, I regreted it even while I was having the sex, it took a heroic effort for me to orgasm with the 2 women.

I was too much of a coward to go home and tell me wife what I did, I could not look her in the eyes for a couple of weeks. 
I told my friend I regreted it and did not want to have anymore sex with her or anyone else. 
My friend was now becoming interested in me in another way but I told her that will never happen and we should forget anything ever happened.

About a month after the 3some while walking around a grocery store my wife stopped me, kissed me, asked me if I had any sex yet with anyone, I lied, I said no, she proceeded to tell me that I can have sex with any woman I want, the only woman I cannot have sex with was the one friend, the one I had the 3some with. OMFG, is all I could think!!!!

In December last year I was driving home, my wife called me and told me that she had hacked my friend's hotmail account and found the pictures of the 3some. I was not even aware of the pictures, because my friend and the other lady had used a camera to take pictures automatically without telling me.

Needless to say, my wife went off the deep end. 
I went home in an attempt to calm her down but it did not work, she broke all the pictures of us that were on the walls and physically attacked me. I decided to leave, a few hours later she asked me to go home. We did not talk about it anymore that night.

The next day she began calling my friend and harrasing her, calling her every name in the book. She would grind her with questions like how long has this affair been going on and such. Eventually after my friend got called a ***** and a tramp she responded by telling my wife we have had an affair for 3 years (which was a complete lie). 

That day my wife took tons of sleeping pills and tried to kill herself. I had a bad feeling so I went home to check on her and she was out cold, I took her to the hospital, the doctors found nothing wrong with her and released her.

I took her home and watched over her for the next 2 nights while the kids were with grandma. On the 3rd day I went home and she picked a fight with me, hit me repeatedly with a broom stick, I pushed her against the wall to get her away from me and she scratched my face and neck, then called the cops.

The cops showed up and saw my injuries, they talked to her and me, they asked me if they should arrest but I insisted they did not. 
One of our rental properties was empty so I went there to stay, the next morning (christmas eve) her mother convinced her to get an order or protection against me.

I was served that afternoon, I was devestated because I was not going to see my kids for 21 days including the Holidays, the deputy who served me told me to be very careful and not to have any contact with her or let her contact me, as I could end up in prison. 

The same night we talked and she was very upset. The next day she went back to court in an attempt to have the OP removed but the judge refused to remove it completely and wanted us to have the cooling period, but modified the OP so I can see the kids anytime I wanted.

On Christmas day she kept calling me and I eventually answered, she was desperate to see me. I agreed to meet her at a dinner, she weeped and asked me to forgive her for what she had done. When I was served the OP I had decided not to be with her anymore, I felt the relationship was done at that point but seeing her cry like that filled me with saddness, I love her so much, I truly do, so we proceeded to go to a Hotel and spent a wonderful night of passion. She asked me not to have any contact with the other woman. 

New years eve my wife, kids and I went out of town so we can be together but we could not be seen because of the OP. 
We got a suite in a very nice hotel, we were going to spend the night eating and having fun with the kids celebrating the new year. 
Late in the afternoon my friend had sent me a text message regarding business and I responded, my wife was leaning over to kiss me while I was responding and realized it was my female friend, my wife again went nuts, left me and the 2 older kids at the Hotel and headed home with our 4 year old.

I left her alone for a couple of days then all of a sudden she calls me all sweet and loving. Her birthday came up a few days later, she had been calling my friend and questioning her even more now. 
On my wife's birtday which was a few days after new year, my friend revealed to my wife that she was in love with me and wished to be my concubine, mind you I had no knowledge of this, nor has my friend told me those things.

My wife was angry over this revelation, she called me and asked me if I wanted my friend to be my concubine and I told her, if I were looking for a concubine then my friend would be ok for that but no that would not be a good thing and that all I wanted was her (my wife). 

The next 10 days were strange, we would fight and make up, we were having a lot of sex. 
On the 15th we had a small argument, I left to avoid things going out of hand, she called me in the car and informed me that she is going out with a female friend for a girl's night out. She wanted her mother to watch the kids but I told her I would watch them. She said she would be home no later than 1 am. I asked her repeatedly if she was meeting a man and she said I must be nuts to think she would do that. Meanwhile she had called one of my brothers and asked him to calm me down.

She never came home that night, in the morning when she returned, the kids and I had gone out for breakfast. I dropped the kids off at their grandma, I went home and there she was laying naked in bed. 
She was still hung over, smelled of smoke. She was very horney and wanted to have sex. I asked her if she was with a man, she would not respond, she pulled me into bed and we had very rough sex, I was very angry. I could smell saliva and tobaco on her body, her breasts but her private parts were clean. I am very sensitive to smells, latex is one of those smells that will stay with me for days no matter how much washing take place. She had no latex or lube smell on her.

When we finished she had this wicked look in her eyes as she informed me that she spent the night having sex with another man.

The next 45 minutes were lost to me, I do not remember what happend or what was said. 
Next thing I know we were downstairs and she was appologizing to me, crying, telling me that she did meet a man but she never had sex with him. 
She had too much to drink and did not want to get a DUI so she slept at his condo but nothing happened. She said the guy was a gentleman and let her sleep in his bedroom as he slept on the couch.

I started monitoring her closely, I soon discovered that he was not the only man she had made contact with, she had joined a dating site and had established several relationships with men, plans to have sex. I own the cell phones so I have access to the phone records. She had been spending hours on the phone with these men, specially the one she met on the 15th.

As before I wanted to be in denial, I could not wrap my mind around the idea of her cheating on me, I hold her in such a high place in my mind but... This time... She changed... The way she kissed... The sounds she made during sex... How she gave me oral and how she responded to me was completely different.
All of a sudden after that night she wanted sex every night, even on her period.

I confronted her with it all. I asked her why she would do that? Why would she set me up like this? All she could tell me is that she had to get revenge. In the following 2 weeks, she changed her story 3 times, she did it... she did not do it.... she did it.... then finally she did not do it and that is what she stuck to for the last 7 weeks. She said he was nothing to her and that she had no desire t have any contact with him. 30 days later she went to visit her mother, the first thing she did when she got there is she called him and told him how much she missed him and that she was going to buy a phone just so she can contact him with it and make sure I never find out.


I feel like I got setup, I feel that she told me to get laid only so she can have an excuse to go do it herself. To me if she had been giving me what I needed I would have never gone elsewhere. If she had told me she was done with me and needed other men in her life I would have left and let her be to pursue happiness.

We are now trying everything in our power to keep us together, we fight almost everyday and at times we both tell each other that we are done and want to divorce but then we calm down and realize how much we love each other. 
Everytime she feels I am having emotions about her cheating she brings up the other woman and the 3some, even if I don't mention the other guy. 
Not a day goes by without me wanting to leave for good but I look at her and my heart gets filled with love for her, then I look at my kids and the love they give me. I am very close to my 3 kids!

I was informed recently that the guy she spent the night with has made a video of them having sex multiple times on that night, the video is available for me to see but I have not been able to go see it. 
The other woman, whom I no longer consider to be a friend was involved in the whole setup, her the OM set my wife for the one night stand, she also has a copy of the video, she is trying everything in her power to make me leave my wife so I can be with her. I was going to get a restraining order against the woman but she left the country, yet she is still emailing me and having her friends email as well offering me the video of my wife having sex with the OM.

I can't handle the thought that it could be true that she did it, I could not bare the thought of seeing such a video of her with another man, I think it would kill me. 

I am completely screwed up. I am not a drinker but I have drank more in the last 2 months than I have done in 26 years.

I have even contemplated suicide but I know the kids need me to be around.

Please folks reply, I am not asking anyone to make decisions for me, I will do that in time I just need to talk about this.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Holy crap, if this story is true the 2 of you need major help.

Best thing to do right now would be to separate and sort out both of your lives 1st and then think about fixing your marriage. If there is even anything left to fix. This marriage looks like a nuke explosion waiting to happen.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Yeah if this story is true, the both of you are the epitome of a dysfunctional marriage. I honestly see nothing salvageable in it.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Your wife is a nut case. Who told you that the video exists? 



> All she could tell me is that she had to get revenge. In the following 2 weeks, she changed her story 3 times, she did it... she did not do it.... she did it.... then finally she did not do it and that is what she stuck to for the last 7 weeks.


I am guessing that she did sleep with him. Both of you are in a toxic relationship.

First thing is that you cut off this "friend" from your life. Even in your business. She was actively trying to ruin your life. 

Not sure if I missed it but get your wife into Individual counselling.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

1. Get tested for STD's
2. See an attorney and end this hell.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

bryanp said:


> 1. Get tested for STD's
> 2. See an attorney and end this hell.


And if the marriage doesn't work, DO NOT GO to the OW. Fix yourself and when you do look for love again let it be someone that wasn't a part of this mess.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Your threesome was recorded and your wife hacked your friends email to find it? Seems like it was staged for you to be caught...


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## zanzan (Mar 24, 2012)

After the night she was out I found out who the OM was and I started investigating. 
I made friends with one of his employees who was close to him. $500 helped him sell out his friend. 
The scumbag OM has hidden cams in his condo and likes to show the videos he takes to his friends. 
The bartender I paid off told me everything because between sex sessions, they went to the OM's bar and had some food before going back for more sex. He talked to them and served them. 
She got loaded on alcohol hard, the friend told me that the OM asked him to tripple all the alcohol in her ****tails.

The OM gave a copy of the video to the bartender. I am just not ready to see it.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Get the tape for record keeping and press charges. This is so [email protected] up.


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## zanzan (Mar 24, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Get the tape for record keeping and press charges. This is so [email protected] up.


press charges against whom?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Against the OM. Who else? he secretly recorded your wife having sex and is sharing it with other people without her consent. Id she is with you, she will help you file charges. talk to a lwyer immediately before it ends up on the internet.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

And go meet a doctor. You do seem to be suicidal. Your kids need you. Don't do anything stupid


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

What state do you live in. In California a drunk woman can claim rape after she sobers up. You have to find out how drunk she was. Take the tape to the police. Have a detective watch it. Then lower the boom on the guy. The bartender will turn states evidence to avoid being tried as an accomplice. That's how you take care of this guy. Regarding your marriage, its a train wreck. Get help, or get divorced.


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## Wolfgar (Nov 15, 2011)

wow, this story all seems made up...but the length alone gives it some validity. Obviously it's illegal to record someone having sex without their knowledge, def get the tape and pressure charges. She wanted revenge, how about you get some revenge on this ********* slimeball?

As for you and your wife, toxic wouldnt even begin to explain your relationship. Sounds like the both of you have lots of resentment and anger...and perhaps weak moral integrity. As for staying together and making things work, that all depends on the two of you. Is that what you really want? Why stay in a relationship like this? Do it for the right reasons, not just because your afraid to let go. If you do decide to work on things, learn how to communicate and stop hurting one another (people that love one another shouldnt be tryin to cause the other pain right?). Establish some strict boundaries for the both of you, let go of the past (resentment, pain, anger) and concentrate on building a new relationship from scratch. For heaven's sake, let your old marriage rot and burn....


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## zanzan (Mar 24, 2012)

I am not willing to kill 18 years of marriage for a one night stand even if it was for revenge.
I cannot afford the scandal of going to the police, I come from a traditional family and my wife would be thrown out of the family if this were to come out. My hands are tied. I still love my wife and want things to work out between us just not sure how, I know it can all be worked out but I think we both need counceling. Our kids should not suffer for our stupidity.
She is convinced there is no video of her and him because she says nothing happened to video in the first place.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

zanzan said:


> I am not willing to kill 18 years of marriage for a one night stand even if it was for revenge.
> I cannot afford the scandal of going to the police, I come from a traditional family and my wife would be thrown out of the family if this were to come out. My hands are tied. I still love my wife and want things to work out between us just not sure how, I know it can all be worked out but I think we both need counceling. Our kids should not suffer for our stupidity.
> She is convinced there is no video of her and him because she says nothing happened to video in the first place.


From what you wrote, for example her new ways of making love, it sure doesn't sound like a one night stand. 

You should still get the copy of the tape and warn the other man what you can do unless he gives you all the copies. Form what you say he could blackmail you.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

zanzan said:


> In the first 3 years of our marriage, there were several occasions where friends of mine and hers told me that she was cheating on me.


When BOTH of your set of friends were telling you that she was cheating on you and you ignored them, you were showing how co-dependent you were on her, and still are. With this in mind, have you considered that your children may not be yours? It is possible and I strongly suggest that you do a paternity test on all of them.



> I always went to her and asked her and she denied it, one thing I noticed is that she did not change towards me emotionally or sexually so I took her word for it and brushed aside any doubts about her


Cheating spouses seldom confess when asked if they are cheating. Many continue having sex with their spouses because they were able to compartmentalize (separate) their love for their spouse from sex with their lover. My ex-wife, as well as the ex-wives of other betrayed husbands (bandit45, KanDo, oldmittens, badblood, lascarx, etc), were very good at this and had us fooled because their behavior showed no change.

It's your choice whether you continue with the marriage or divorce your wife, but you need to know the full truth about your wife's actions throughout the 18 years of marriage. I seriously doubt that this OM was her first.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

My understanding of your story.

You cheated. She revenge cheated.

Her AP has video recorded the sexual act.

If this is not a troll, a bad case.

You both should have had counseling years back....


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Ok, if she remembers doing nothing, 

1)she was drugged and raped or 

2)she is lying 

3) the barkeeper is baiting you for more money. 


If she was raped, she needs to file charges. There are ways to file charges anonymously. talk to a lawyer and find them out. 

And your attitude is horrible. 



> I cannot afford the scandal of going to the police, I come from a traditional family and my wife would be thrown out of the family if this were to come out


It means that you are OK to whatever she does as long as it does not come out. Where do you draw the line?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

I think now that there is more to this story.

OP, is this all you have to say?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zanzan (Mar 24, 2012)

What else can I say. I got trick bagged and now I have to take it like a man. I have 3 kids to worry about. 
Not going to ruin my kid's lives for a one night of indiscretion, what I am looking for here is ways to cope and deal with what was done to me.
For the one that suggested those are not my kids, the kids look exactly like my family, I have no doubt they are mine, besides that I do not believe she ever cheated on me before this one time in January but even this time I am not even sure.

What would watching the video do other than break my heart more? 
She insists nothing happened and that there is no video but when I suggest I should get it she freaks out and that if anything happened she was not aware of it.

The story changed so many times, she said the OM poured her a drink when she got to his place, a tequilla and after that she blacked out and had no awareness at all of what was going and next thing she know she woke up in his bed alone naked. She says he was asleep on the couch in the living room.

I got on her yahoo account and chatted with him as her, I asked him what he put in the drink, his reply is that I (she) went in the kitchen and grabbed the drink myelf and drank 2 shots against his advice, he never offered her a drink at all according to him.

If she is willing to press charges then maybe that is the route to take if it can be annonymouse, if the guy used a date rape drug on her, he needs to be in prison for his crime and to make sure he does not do it to anyone else.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I think if you watch the video with your wife you would then see whether she was really drugged and passed out or not.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

z-
It sounds like you are a guy willing to spend some money on what you want. In dealing with this crap I took the steps in that it would never happen agian. 
So spend some dough on perventive maintenance by #1 getting you wife and your self some pro help, the # 2 spend some money on showing/telling the OM he messed with the wrong wife....

You will find that very empowereing and with that begin a healing process that will take a long time.

It has for me.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

zz I still think that it is a good idea that you get a paternity test done on all 3 of your children considering the serious allegation your friends and HER friends as to her cheating on you 3 years into the marriage. There are men whose wives have had children by other men and passed them off as theirs, one in particular who goes by the handle of 'hookares' raised two children he believed were his but were not. Don't you think that it is better to know than not know?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Get the tape first. You might have limited access to it. You can decide to watch it or not on a later date.(Or you can ask a lawyer to watch it). get it first out of his hands


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Get the tape and have the cops watch it. They will either say she was into it or doped up. Shouldn't be to hard for the cops, they've seen it all.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

zanzan said:


> I am not willing to kill 18 years of marriage for a one night stand even if it was for revenge.
> I cannot afford the scandal of going to the police, I come from a traditional family and my wife would be thrown out of the family if this were to come out. My hands are tied. I still love my wife and want things to work out between us just not sure how, I know it can all be worked out but I think we both need counceling. Our kids should not suffer for our stupidity.
> She is convinced there is no video of her and him because she says nothing happened to video in the first place.


I read your extremely long post, and this minor post basically sums up what you want to do from your perspective. Great. 

So police is not an issue now, but your marriage already has a case from the restraining order. And how would this "come out" if you began the process of sueing this man for video taping your wife? Do you live in a small community? And another question, if you can sue this guy, what about your friend taking pictures of you doing the 3some?

I suggest what people have stated, get STD tested, talk to your wife about R, and counseling to help with the communication and underlying issues, stop all contact with your friend even if business (cutt off completely).


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

zanzan said:


> What else can I say. I got trick bagged and now I have to take it like a man. I have 3 kids to worry about.
> Not going to ruin my kid's lives for a one night of indiscretion, what I am looking for here is ways to cope and deal with what was done to me.
> For the one that suggested those are not my kids, the kids look exactly like my family, I have no doubt they are mine, besides that I do not believe she ever cheated on me before this one time in January but even this time I am not even sure.
> 
> ...


So you are saying the kids look like your family- dont rule out this aspect with this explination, your wife is attracted to you, that mean she is attracted to similar men with you ethnicity. 

You keep using the phrase, "what my wife has done to me" as YOU are the only victim here. Get out of the mindset in order to begin this healing process between you both. I read you post and you have certianly done more than your fair share.

You dont want to watch the video, do you have a close friend you can confide in who is not affilated with your families cultural beliefs who can veiw the tape without any bias? Get the tape tho, that is a must.

How much details did you get from the other man while you were disguised as your wife?


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

You almost had me until:

" it took a heroic effort for me to orgasm with the 2 women."

A man who hasn't had sex in years can't orgasm with 2 women? doubtful.


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## zanzan (Mar 24, 2012)

Kobo said:


> You almost had me until:
> 
> " it took a heroic effort for me to orgasm with the 2 women."
> 
> A man who hasn't had sex in years can't orgasm with 2 women? doubtful.


Thanks for blatelntly calling me a liar but yes I had a hell of a time getting to orgasm, I was very nervous, I felt guilty as hell doing what I was doing and I had no feelings towards these women. I can assure you if my wife was one of the 2 women and she was in full agreement doing this then I would have had a great time.
It was a bad experience for me and the follow up to it has destroyed my life.
It was not worth it in any way, shape or form.


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## zanzan (Mar 24, 2012)

I contacted an attorney and setup and appointment, he said a letter can be sent out to the OM without revealing mine or my wife's name to the OM. The letter will threaten him and hold him liable under civil and criminal laws for any damage such video (if it indeed exists) might cause.

The OM does not even know where we live or what my wife's last name is.

Right now all I want is damage control, I want to make sure this nasty freak does not show the video to anyone else (if a video exists) or to post on the internet. I say nasty freak because by any standards he is an ugly man who is overly obese and to top of it off he has a small penis! I saw pictures he sent my wife before the meeting. It is beyond me why she would lower her standards. Not saying I would want her to F Brad Pit or Tom Cruise but this man in every way beneath me!

She still insists all that happened was kissing and fondling, I don't want even that shown to anyone or released on the internet.

My kid's feelings and reputation are paramount, we as adults can pay for our own mistakes and work on healing our relationship, the kids should never suffer because the parents decided to be idiots. I can't imagine how one of our children might feel if one day he ran into a video of his mother doing something sexual with OM.

I do appreciate the input from those who had good advise.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Why don't you get the tape just to prove your point?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

keko said:


> Why don't you get the tape just to prove your point?


I think he's trying to protect himself at this point also. If he has the tape, it's human nature to watch it. And if he sees what's on it, he might not be able to ever R with his wife.

So, he's gonna rug sweep at this point it looks like and move on with life.

If the tape and OM goes away, so does the problem and it's back to being the happy family before all this went down.

And if she's gonna play the rape charge card. Be ready to stand behind it or she could be the one going to jail for making a false accusation against the OM.

One look at the tape (OH YES, everyone's gonna see that tape in court) and it'll become clear if she was drugged and raped.

laying like a dead fish and out of it = easy conviction.

She's jumping all over the place being a super porn model = she goes to jail because there is no way she was drugged.

Get the tape and watch it, or have your lawyer watch it.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

cheatinghubby said:


> I think he's trying to protect himself at this point also. If he has the tape, it's human nature to watch it. And if he sees what's on it, he might not be able to ever R with his wife.
> 
> So, he's gonna rug sweep at this point it looks like and move on with life.
> 
> ...


I dont think that was the case...


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

zanzan said:


> I contacted an attorney and setup and appointment, he said a letter can be sent out to the OM without revealing mine or my wife's name to the OM. The letter will threaten him and hold him liable under civil and criminal laws for any damage such video (if it indeed exists) might cause.
> 
> The OM does not even know where we live or what my wife's last name is.
> 
> ...


How does this person not know your name, or wife's name if it was your business partner (sex buddy friend) who set the whole thing up!!!!!!


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Humble Pie said:


> So you are saying the kids look like your family- dont rule out this aspect with this explination, your wife is attracted to you, that mean she is attracted to similar men with you ethnicity.
> 
> You keep using the phrase, "what my wife has done to me" as YOU are the only victim here. Get out of the mindset in order to begin this healing process between you both. I read you post and you have certianly done more than your fair share.
> 
> ...


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I think you should talk to a different lawyer. And get the tape first. he can easily deny the existence of the tape. You have nothing to prove for it. make sure the bartender isn't lying though


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## zanzan (Mar 24, 2012)

Humble Pie said:


> So you are saying the kids look like your family- dont rule out this aspect with this explination, your wife is attracted to you, that mean she is attracted to similar men with you ethnicity.
> 
> You keep using the phrase, "what my wife has done to me" as YOU are the only victim here. Get out of the mindset in order to begin this healing process between you both. I read you post and you have certianly done more than your fair share.
> 
> ...


I messed up, I was disguied as my wife on the phone when he called in the morning, he was being very soft and romantic, he asked if I made it home alright and if I missed him already. 
I just could not control myself and exploded. I should have remained calm and got him to say more. 

I called him and confronted him, he swore nothing happened but he lied to me. 
He claimed that he had met her at his bar then took her to his place because she insisted on seeing it but then he claims she left less than 20 minutes later because he had to get up early for a business meeting.

I managed to get a look at the video surveilance footage for that night at his building, she walked into his condo building the first time with him at 9.26 pm, they left the condo at 11.10 pm, returned to the condo at 1.43 am then he walked her out again at 7.35 am
You can see them making out at the entrance of his building when she was leaving in the morning.

For some reason he denied to me that she stayed the night at his condo. 

He told his friends that she stayed and that they had sex 3 times, once before they had dinner then twice after they came back from the bar, he was very descriptive and detailed to his friends I talked to.

He even played a sound recording of them going at it to his friends.
Someone annonymously emailed me that 9 minute sound recording, it sounds very similar to her.

In the chat exchange between her and OM I found as .DAT files on her PC (yahoo messanger) she had told him that she was in love with me and wanted to be married to me forever but she was very angry. 
He encouraged her to cheat and get revenge, that it can only be the way for her to heal.

To me he said he did not want to do it with her because he felt she was in love with me and he did not want to be a home wrecker.

Total scumbag. I personally would never have sex with a married woman, even if I was single and out hunting for sex, I would never knowingly go after a married woman or a woman who is in a serious relationship.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You are all over the place. Have you met a doctor?


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## zanzan (Mar 24, 2012)

I am going to see a therapist soon. All the therapist in our area are women and I really feel I need to address my issues with a male therapist.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Well, that just about tears a hole in her being drugged and probably raped by the OM story.


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## zanzan (Mar 24, 2012)

cheatinghubby said:


> Well, that just about tears a hole in her being drugged and probably raped by the OM story.


What does?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I'm guessing having it done 3 times and the audio recording


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Therapist's are like boots, you will need to try on a few to see whats the most comfortable. When you you do find one, give it one year and after that you can continue or not, but give it atleast one year.


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## zanzan (Mar 24, 2012)

The OM emailed me with an appology, he claims he had no knowledge that my wife and I were together at the time when he met her. 
He confessed to me that they had sex multiple times that night.
He said he is coming clean with me because he did not want to have a confrontation as he was feeling very threatened by me and my 5 brothers.
He claims she told him that they had sex but I am refusing to believe it "_I have no reason to lie to you ****, I hoped you would appreciate the truth and move forward with your wife." _
"******** _said she told you the truth about us having sex but it is you who refused to believe she did it, it is you who is in denial_."

He claims he was lied to by my spouse and was told that I had moved on with another woman and no longer living with her and the kids.
He said there is no video however there are photos taken with her knowledge "_I am not going to share the pictures with you because I want to continue being a gentleman to ******, she wanted the pictures taken for you to see them and burn, just like she burned when she saw the pictures of you and the 2 women_." and that he will not release the photos to me or anyone or on the internet because the morning after, she changed her mind and made him promise not to.

I showed her the email, she gets this blank look on her face and becomes extremely defensive. She tries to tell me that it can't be him sending the emails, and it must be the business associate I had sex with that is impersonating him. My ex business associated is now out of the country so I had a friend of mine who works for an ISP trace the email IP from the headers, the email originated from the OM's home town. When I showed her this, she turned around and said that he was a liar, nothing happened and he is making it all up.

I still love her deeply and want to stay with her, I want to keep my family together but I have no trust in her anymore, I am very torn, I am very depressed and at times I feel very volatile so I leave.

Before she pulled this stunt, she was the one person in my life I trusted completely, even more than my parents and siblings. 
I have a huge gap in my life now because that person I trusted with my life, my money and my secrets is now someone I cannot trust at all. 

At times I look at her and I believe her, at times she looks like she is lying about it all. 
Can I ever trust her again?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

So, now you have the truth. What are you gonna do now?

She's a liar and she still can't stop lying even when she's been caught with her hand in the cookie jar. As to can you trust her again..

HELL NO, not if she's still lying right in your face when you have all this evidence. And yes the OM has no reason to lie to you at this point, there is nothing for him to gain from it, NOTHING.


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## zanzan (Mar 24, 2012)

The biggest question that keeps roaming in my mind. If you love someone how do you seek revenge against them? 
How do you love someone and want to deliberately hurt them?
When I had my 3some, I did not do it in the intent of hurting her, that thought never crossed my mind.
The last thing I ever want is to hurt her, I realise that we hurt people sometimes without meaning to but it was never intentional.

Even after all this I have no desire to seek revenge on her because I love her. I know that if I fall out of love with her then I may consider revenge or maybe become completely indifferent to her.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Man, if I were you I would get those videos and pictures just in case. Regardless of whether you divorce your wife or not, how can you trust the man who screwed your wife?


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## zanzan (Mar 24, 2012)

I do not trust him, as far as I am concerned I would rather take her word for it, he is nothing more than a sh!tbag. 


He won't release the pictures to me, my attorney said unless she confesses to screwing him, legally we cannot ask him for the pictures or video, my lawyer said it was between her and him, she is the only one who can ask for it since I was not present and I am not in the pictures myself. She won't go after him legally because she says nothing happend, therefore there can be no pictures or video.

The email addy he used to contact me is not one she was contacting him on before I caught her. 

So it would be near impossible to prove it was HE who sent the email admitting all this crap specially if he emailed from a public library. To get exact physical address of where he sent me the email will cost me a lot of money in legal fees.

My friend who works at the ISP could only tell me the town where the email was generated from.

I have 3 happy kids who are completely innocent of all this, who love their parents, love the fact we take such good care of them. 
My parents were divorced, I don't want that hell for my kids.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

zanzan said:


> The biggest question that keeps roaming in my mind. If you love someone how do you seek revenge against them?
> How do you love someone and want to deliberately hurt them?
> When I had my 3some, I did not do it in the intent of hurting her, that thought never crossed my mind.
> The last thing I ever want is to hurt her, I realise that we hurt people sometimes without meaning to but it was never intentional.
> ...


Because she is not you and because she is a nut case. That you have to prove her that the mail was from OM was ridiculous. I would rather belive the OM at this point. Your marriage is dead. I am not sure how you can recover from this action that was purely done out of spite. She denies you sex all this time in the marriage. When you had the threesome, while you weren't completely honest, it was done with some sort of misunderstanding.

If she still claims that it is a lie, offer to call the OM and talk to him on the speakerphone. See her react. That should be enough proof for you. Get this cancer out of your life. Cheating should be the least of your problems now. She has some major issues.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

zanzan said:


> The OM emailed me with an appology, he claims he had no knowledge that my wife and I were together at the time when he met her.
> He confessed to me that they had sex multiple times that night.
> He said he is coming clean with me because he did not want to have a confrontation as he was feeling very threatened by me and my 5 brothers.
> He claims she told him that they had sex but I am refusing to believe it "_I have no reason to lie to you ****, I hoped you would appreciate the truth and move forward with your wife." _
> ...


Life's tough for a cuckold. But its your choice.


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## zanzan (Mar 24, 2012)

Initfortheduration said:


> Life's tough for a cuckold. But its your choice.


Cuckold? Hardly, I am not OK with any of this, if I had proof that she went through with it, it would be a different ball game, but do I devestate my children's lives for my own ego and male pride when I do not even have proof of her infedility?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm not saying its likely, but the OM could have reasons to lie. One is that he might like to see you divorce your wife.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

zanzan said:


> Cuckold? Hardly, I am not OK with any of this, if I had proof that she went through with it, it would be a different ball game, but do I devestate my children's lives for my own ego and male pride when I do not even have proof of her infedility?


If she did not, why did she confess them? Her flip flopping confessions were just that. Her confession and the regret for having confessed. Try telling her that you are going to get them somehow(make up a lie if you have to, through the bartender, tell her that you will file a police report, or you are going to sue the OM for lying about having you wife's nude pics etc etc) and see her react in panic. It is unbelievable that you still believe her.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I would suggest that you have your brothers visit the OM to have a little talk and get the pictures and the video. You should then show them to your wife.


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## zanzan (Mar 24, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> If she did not, why did she confess them? Her flip flopping confessions were just that. Her confession and the regret for having confessed. Try telling her that you are going to get them somehow(make up a lie if you have to, through the bartender, tell her that you will file a police report, or you are going to sue the OM for lying about having you wife's nude pics etc etc) and see her react in panic. It is unbelievable that you still believe her.


I called the chief investigator in our county, my attorney refered me to him, he is coming over this afternoon to talk to me and my wife.

I told my wife what was going on, she is all for it, she thinks it is about time we took legal action against the OM.
She said she cannot believe the guy is lying like this and making up crap, all she did was have a few drinks and a pizza with the guy.

She says she is more than happy to cooperate and help me get the guy nailed.

:scratchhead:


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

zanzan said:


> Cuckold? Hardly, I am not OK with any of this, if I had proof that she went through with it, it would be a different ball game, but do I devestate my children's lives for my own ego and male pride when I do not even have proof of her infedility?


Its not about being Ok with it. Its about not doing anything to stop it. Cuckolding can either be with or without permission. Just because yours is without permission doesn't mean that you aren't one. That's how sick society has become, they think that you can only be cuckolded if you want.


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## Tap1214 (Aug 14, 2011)

OMG, your marriage is so dysfunctional!!! And I know you don't want to accept it, but your wife cheated and she's a nutcase!

And another advice, your OW / or suppose friend? Yes, the one you had 3some with? Someone you said you guys are only good friends? Why would a "good friend" take photos of your 3some without your knowledge?? Isn't that how your wife found out, she saw the photo on the computer? OW is also another nutcase. She's manipulate and is toxic. Stay away from her and cut your ties completly. Her friendship with you is destroying your marriage and it's not worth it.

And if you want to save your marriage because you guys truly love eachother and want this, both of you need to see a MC.
Btw, get your mother-in-law out of your house. Why would you allow your your mother-in-law to live with you, when you know she hates you and never liked you?? Doesn't make sense!!

And don't underestimate your children, kids are not stupid. They probably know and see the strain, unhappiness in your marriage!


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## zanzan (Mar 24, 2012)

The cops won't do sh!t. When the investigator asked my wife if she had sex with the OM she said no, the investigator said there was nothing to video or take pictures of since no sexual act took place or any kind of nudity per her statement, therefore nothing can be done to the OM.

I guess I got played again.

*TAP1214* I have not initiated contact with the OW for months now, she is no friend of mine or my wife anymore.

My wife and I do not have fights and arguments in front of the kids. We normally duke it out when the kids are visiting grandma.

*Initfortheduration* We will see who the cuckold is when I have fu$*ed every woman in the OM's family including his wife and sister!!


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## Kasus (Mar 31, 2012)

Why are you looking for proof for your wife's indiscretion? Isn't the emotional abuse she put you through enough justification to punish her? Cheating aside, she is still a horrible wife. Don't be sidetracked by what is the real issue between you two. Stop looking for other to justify your actions, how you feel is more than enough.


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## zanzan (Mar 24, 2012)

Kasus said:


> Why are you looking for proof for your wife's indiscretion? Isn't the emotional abuse she put you through enough justification to punish her? Cheating aside, she is still a horrible wife. Don't be sidetracked by what is the real issue between you two. Stop looking for other to justify your actions, how you feel is more than enough.


You are right and she will pay dearly for her indiscretion. Just the fact that she was with the OM at his place for the night, regardless if she f*c$ed him or not that is enough for me to give her the punishment from hell. 



As for the SOB OM I already started working on his wife and it won't be long before I have her, she is easy meat! Will see how he likes the pictures I will be sending him!!!!


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

zanzan said:


> The OM gave a copy of the video to the bartender. I am just not ready to see it.


I'll tell you what Z. Have the bartender email a copy of the video to me, I'll watch it and get back with you.  just kidding. What strikes me is your rationalization that its virtually all the OM fault. Your old lady went to his place and for all intents and purposes spent the night banging the guy. There are thousands of guys out there that would have done the same thing this guy did. I can assure you that in my day, with her coming to my place and leaving the next morning, I'd F'd her and I'd bet he did to. Why don't you just look at is as now both ya'll are even and move along. If ya'll want to stay together, forget about it and stay together. What he did didn't damage her goods. How is she now and compared to before (if you know what I mean)?


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

zanzan said:


> You are right and she will pay dearly for her indiscretion. Just the fact that she was with the OM at his place for the night, regardless if she f*c$ed him or not that is enough for me to give her the punishment from hell.
> 
> 
> 
> *As for the SOB OM I already started working on his wife and it won't be long before I have her, she is easy meat! Will see how he likes the pictures I will be sending him!!!!*


Yeah right:rofl:


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## Tap1214 (Aug 14, 2011)

Zanzan, I feel for you, BUT ....You are all words, but no actions! Perhaps that's why your wife is able to manipulate you and treats you with so much disrespect. 

And why so bend on targeting OM/OMW, you should be focusing on your wife and her actions!!!!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Just divorce already. Neither of you should be married. Yuck, this is too dysfunctional even for Jerry Sprnger.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

I luv his zan guy.he see the security tape from the guys condo, she is mobile and making out with the guy, but he say as long as he has no proof. everyone say get the tape. he finds excuses not to. om is known for taping and sharing the tapes. now he's doing damage control, worrying if om gave tapes to more than bartender.


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