# "Just a friend" needs to go away already



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Apologies for starting yet a new thread. I know someone of you do not like that because it can get confusing but right now, I just needed to start writing. Well, from my earlier post, I said found the proof that my H was sleeping with "just a friend". I confronted him with this proof. He confessed to some things but not all. So, I emailed her and I asked her. She emailed me back and was upfront with me. I thanked her for answering my questions and asked her to leave my family alone. Obviously that did not matter to her none as I was just eavesdropping on my H on the phone with her. He is actually still on the phone with her as I write this. I couldn't stomach to listen any longer. He is pro-fusing his love for her. He is going on and on and on about how "good" she makes him feel and how he can't stop thinking of her and how his thoughts are consumed with her, day in and day out. I listened as he painted a little picture of a place they went to make out at. Now, here is the big twist. She is in love with another guy. She actually proposed marriage to this other guy. But he will not be with her right now while she is in contact with my H. So, she is in love with this other guy, my husband is in love with her. And my H cant see the nose at the end of his face thanks to his fog. He cant see the damage that is being done to our family. All he is, is focused on "winning her and waiting for as long as he has too" (his quote I over heard him say) I walked away right about there. I knew there was more. I knew she was more than "just a friend" I tried to prepare myself to soften the blow because I knew the truth would come out eventually. But it still hurts like hell. My H is drunk, walking around the house in his underwear and confessing his "love" to another woman. Oh, and he also told me that he no longer considers us married. That our marriage is only a piece of paper standing in his way and that he would pursue her with everything he had because she is what he wants and that it's time he (quote) "stops denying himself of her".
I think I need to go vomit now.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

What a *********. 

Since you say you cannot afford a lawyer to have him kicked out of the house and that he won't go, where is he sleeping? Don't let him sleep in your bed. If you can, install a lock on your bedroom door and throw his clothes out. 

Do not cook for him.
Do not do his laundry.
And most of all, do not give him sex, no matter what he does to try to sweet talk you. He'll just be fantasizing about her when he's with you anyway.

You need to be strong and put on your big girl panties and start detaching yourself from this unremorseful cheater. Do you really want to be with a man like this? Start working on yourself. Go on a diet, start going to the gym and losing weight. Start a new hobby, go out with friends. Just don't get into a revenge affair, that would be wrong and just lowering yourself to his and her level. You deserve better. You will find someone better.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

Its time to get angry, woman. Don't stand by while he's in the other room, talking to the OW. Don't be a door mat. She won't stop contact with him on her own. I said this in the other post, but everything she just told you in her email WAS A LIE. DON'T fall for it. She's buying time from you so she can continue to talk with your husband. She's a little wh*re and she's NOT sorry for hurting you or your family.

Your husband is NOT sorry for hurting you or your family. You have two people who are engaging in an act who is hurting you and your family, and they are NOT sorry.

Well he WILL be sorry when you toss his clothes out onto the front lawn. He WILL be sorry when he's eating cereal because you won't cook. He WILL be sorry when he's complaining of back aches because he's sleeping on the couch. If he's not sorry, make him sorry. He thinks that there are no consequences to his actions. Show him different. Stand up and be a worrior, Apple. SHOW him there are limits to your patience and love, and he put them there. Show him what crossing that limit means.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I have decided to take a step today. My kids are going out of town to spend Easter with my parents. H is going out of town to party with OW. I'm going to pack his sh*t up and leave it outside in the driveway. Then I'm going to go out myself. Have some fun with my friends.

Get mad woman! Let him KNOW you will not stand for another woman in your marriage. Throw his sh*t out in the front yard and burn it. Scream! Yell! And do not sleep with him! 

I have been trying to "fix" my marriage for the last year, I've recently realized I've been doing it alone.. that p*sses me right off. I am soooo angry.. and fed up. I actually hope the OW lets him move in and they try to start a relationship together. Because, I know how he is, and she will find out.. hes not so great. And he will find out the OW isn't all that either. But, its too late. I will move on, and he will have lost his family.. and he will be alone.

Show him what he is going to be missing! I went out and got my hair done drastically different. My daughter and I went and got Mani/Pedi's together. My best friend and I joined a gym, started working out 3 days a week. 

He actually tried flirting with me the other day. I told him to keep his filthy hands off of me. It felt good. 

Also, if he wants to be with the OW.. when hes hungry.. DO NOT COOK FOR HIM.. tell him to go have her feed him. If he wants out, he doesn't need all the stuff you do for him. All of my H's socks are pink because he started doing his own laundry. DO NOT do ANYTHING for him! He wants to be a big boy, he can start taking care of himself. Or he can cry to the OW and she can do it for him, which I doubt she will.. shes got her own man to take care of. 

Time to get angry girl!


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

Lilyana said:


> I have decided to take a step today. My kids are going out of town to spend Easter with my parents. H is going out of town to party with OW. I'm going to pack his sh*t up and leave it outside in the driveway. Then I'm going to go out myself. Have some fun with my friends.
> 
> Get mad woman! Let him KNOW you will not stand for another woman in your marriage. Throw his sh*t out in the front yard and burn it. Scream! Yell! And do not sleep with him!
> 
> ...


:smthumbup:


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Lilyana said:


> I have decided to take a step today. My kids are going out of town to spend Easter with my parents. H is going out of town to party with OW. I'm going to pack his sh*t up and leave it outside in the driveway. Then I'm going to go out myself. Have some fun with my friends.
> 
> Get mad woman! Let him KNOW you will not stand for another woman in your marriage. Throw his sh*t out in the front yard and burn it. Scream! Yell! And do not sleep with him!
> 
> ...


This is what I am doing! I am making a new me. A new and better me. I recently graduated college with associate's degree, and I graduated top of my class with honors. I am now enrolled in my bachelor's program. I may only be working part time right now but I will be successful. I will make a new and better life for myself and my children. We will be happy and my H...well, he can go (insert your own words here) He told me last night that he was going to pursue her with everything he had because she is what he wants. :wtf: This is all so incredibly hard. I feel like I am losing everything but it's time for me to cowgirl up. No more laying down and bleeding. I need to get up, dust off and get back in the saddle. I do need to lose about 40 to 50 lbs but when I do, Whoa Nelly! Watch out Boys!  I don't need him. I don't need his lies or his manipulations. I don't need his bullsh*t at all. I was good to him. For nearly 15 years (that's how long we've been together all together) I have been faithful, loyal and dedicated to him. I put my all into my marriage and in return, he sh*ts on me. I will be ok. I will be happy. And someday, karma will catch up to him. Someday, he will reap what he sows and when that day comes, he will be a sorry, sad and pathetic man.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> I do need to lose about 40 to 50 lbs but when I do, Whoa Nelly! Watch out Boys!


Why not now? There is some guy out there with his eyes on you right this moment. He thinks you're off limits and finds you attractive for every curve you have. Show everyone WHO you are, not WHAT you are. WHAT you are is the faithful, devoted wife of an ungreatful idiot, but thats not WHO you are.

Don't limit yourself based on how your H sees you. You are much more than what he's degraded you as.

Don't let someone else create your world, for when they do they will always create it too small. -Ed Cole


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

You are not losing everything. You are losing a decaying albatross chained to a spiked collar around your neck. In exchange, you are gaining access to the world beyond this dead lice-ridden bird - a world of contentment in a sunrise, joy in a smile, peace in your own skin.

He is losing everything, though he doesn't realize that yet. You, though, you are gaining everything.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

just_peachy said:


> You are not losing everything. You are losing a decaying albatross chained to a spiked collar around your neck. In exchange, you are gaining access to the world beyond this dead lice-ridden bird - a world of contentment in a sunrise, joy in a smile, peace in your own skin.
> 
> He is losing everything, though he doesn't realize that yet. You, though, you are gaining everything.


:iagree: made me smile


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Stories like yours make me so sad and angry, but I must say your strength is amazing. You will come out of this an even more amazing woman than you are now. 

If I were his wife, I'd be belittling the hell out of his feelings. "I'm going to pursue making this dinner with everything I have!" and "I will no longer deny myself the remote!" Hell, I'd probably use those line for anything I was doing around the house when he was in hearing range. He's acting like a 12 year old. 

You're handling this the right way, though. You'll come out of this smelling like roses and he'll end up either being rejected by trash or being cheat on by trash.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

And all of this is just the past 6 months. If I told about everything he has ever done over the past 15 years, ya all would reach through the computer and slap me silly for ever staying with him.


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

BTDT, Apple. We could slap each other for a bit. Don't think it would help, though. Maybe a pillow fight instead?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> Obviously that did not matter to her none as I was just eavesdropping on my H on the phone with her. He is actually still on the phone with her as I write this. I couldn't stomach to listen any longer. *He is pro-fusing his love for her. He is going on and on and on about how "good" she makes him feel and how he can't stop thinking of her and how his thoughts are consumed with her, day in and day out. I listened as he painted a little picture of a place they went to make out at. Now, here is the big twist* All he is, is focused on "winning her and waiting for as long as he has too" (his quote I over heard him say) I walked away right about there. Oh, and *he also told me that he no longer considers us married. That our marriage is only a piece of paper standing in his way and that he would pursue her with everything he had because she is what he wants and that it's time he (quote) "stops denying himself of her".*


Apple, if you do not drop kick him on his a--, I will do it for you. FOR REAL. He is being so dispectful to you. I would have gotten on the other phone and said, "Hey I thought you said you were sorry for sleeping with my husband and that you're in love with another man and trying to win him back. Just so you know, me and hubs had sex on Tuesday and have the entire time. Go get tested for STDs STAT in case you think you're the only one." 

Then I would tell him to GTFO out of the house. Throw his stuff out. Seriously. This is bordering on abusive, what he's doing to you. he wants his fantasy, he can have it, but not in your house with your kids there. It's disgusting!


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Apple, you are a beautiful woman inside and out, and btw he thinks you got fat???? Eff him, he doesn't look like he's built like a friggin body builder!!! You have your proof now, I know you want to stay married, as do I. Get rid of this guy, he's a leech on your soul, and you don't need that.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I do want to be married. Marriage is important to me, but I do not want to be married to this @ss anymore. Someday, down the road I picture myself with a new husband. He's handsome, successful and smells great. And my STBX husband will be lowly, dirty and miserable.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Good for you girl, go get'em.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> I do want to be married. Marriage is important to me, but I do not want to be married to this @ss anymore.


That's the spirit!


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Wow, it's crazy how different the wayward spouses can be. 

Your husband is telling you everything (well not all, but a lot). And mine won't admit squat. Crazy. 

I don't know how you are still in the house with him. His crap would be out on the lawn by now pulling that stunt!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> Wow, it's crazy how different the wayward spouses can be.
> 
> Your husband is telling you everything (well not all, but a lot). And mine won't admit squat. Crazy.
> 
> I don't know how you are still in the house with him. His crap would be out on the lawn by now pulling that stunt!


I want him out but I have to make sure I do it all legally. But, boy, I was sure tempted to have a huge bon fire last night.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

paramore said:


> Good for you girl, go get'em.


Paramore, go check your phone. I texted you.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I took the kids and we went to a relative's house for the evening. When I got home, my husband was in the drive way packing clothes into the trunk of his car. Now, while I do admit to having a rush of excitement over the possibility of him moving out, it also deeply saddened me at the same time. Because deep down, I dont want him to leave us but I know even deeper down, it is best he is gone.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I did a cartwheel in the driveway last night while H was putting his totes i packed up for him in the car... i havent done a cartwheel since i was 19.. it was AWESOME!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Lilyana said:


> I did a cartwheel in the driveway last night while H was putting his totes i packed up for him in the car... i havent done a cartwheel since i was 19.. it was AWESOME!


Your H did move out then or you threw him out?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lilyana said:


> I did a cartwheel in the driveway last night while H was putting his totes i packed up for him in the car... i havent done a cartwheel since i was 19.. it was AWESOME!


Hilarious!


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I threw him out last night.. he *****ed.. whined.. tried to throw a temper tantrum.. 

I just told him. I refuse to come second anymore.. I am his wife, if he wants another woman he is going to have to leave, I will not sit and wait for him to decide. I deserve to be happy, I do not deserve to sit and wait for him to choose me or OW. It's not fair to our kids either. 

He wants me to give him another chance.. I told him I don't think I have it in me. 

He made threats.. to take my kids away from me.. to fight child support (when i left him last year I filed for child support and was getting 950 a month, he didn't like that!) 

The only thing he did not do, was tell me he loves me... life is too short for me to live it miserable with someone who doesn't give a sh*t about my feelings.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

oh and he still claims that she is just a friend lol

his exact words were....

"i don't see why you are making a big deal about me having a female friend, you never had a problem before"

to which i replied...

You never spend time alone with your other female friends, you never get very personal text messeges from your other female friends asking about personal family events, you never refuse to remove the other female friends numbers from your phone, and your other female friends are married and often go out with BOTH of us and their significant others...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

LOL. It's always "just a friend."


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Man, what I was thinking being faithful and devoted all these years? I should have had me some "friends" They sound fun!


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I was talking to my best friend this morning.. she also went through a very hard divorce a few years ago.. the only difference between me and her is her H left her for another man...well, a transexual. (he dresses like a woman and acts like a woman but still has the male equipment). 

She told me that I should be prepared for the feelings of "sowing my wild oats".. after her divorce she went through a period of, ummm.. well...wanting to experience A LOT that she missed out on because of getting married so young.

I want to go back to school.. i want to plant some roots in my life and make things better for my children and i...

As for finding someone else.. im not ready nor am i looking. but my friend seems to think im going to be like a bad version of girls gone wild for divorcees. 

If i find myself dancing topless on a table can I call u to come pick me up apple? lol


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Lilyana said:


> I was talking to my best friend this morning.. she also went through a very hard divorce a few years ago.. the only difference between me and her is her H left her for another man...well, a transexual. (he dresses like a woman and acts like a woman but still has the male equipment).
> 
> She told me that I should be prepared for the feelings of "sowing my wild oats".. after her divorce she went through a period of, ummm.. well...wanting to experience A LOT that she missed out on because of getting married so young.
> 
> ...


LMAO, if I'm not on the table dancing alongside you! :rofl:


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

So, "just a friend" just emailed me and wanted to let me know that "if it helps anything, I have not "been" with your husband since February." 
Oh, yes "just a friend" that is wonderful news! It helps tremendously to know you have not been with my husband since february. (vomit)


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

oh gee.. yeah.. that changes everything.. NOT! 

And i gaurentee you girl.. she is LYING! DO NOT BELIEVE A DAMN THING THIS WOMAN SAYS!

she is an adultress..and morally void.. she has no scruples and she will continue to lie to you.. as will your H! 

This B*tch is tickin me off.. i need to go in the corner and breathe for a few minutes lol


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

There are words for women like her. Unfortunately, I've never been comfortable saying them. I think them, though.

And the words aren't b*itch, though it certainly applies. I'm perfectly comfortable saying that one!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I wrote her back and all I can say is that I hope it made her cry.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Block her from emailing you. You have enough to deal with and having contact with her is not helpful or healthy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AppleDucklings said:


> I wrote her back and all I can say is that I hope it made her cry.


What did you say?


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

Send her a cease & desist letter, as well, by snail mail - return receipt requested. Save a copy. You might need it in the future if she won't leave you alone.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

My response to her:
No, it does not help. Just having "been" with him hurts me in more ways than you can imagine. Just having "been" with him has caused me sickening pain. I do not even know how to describe the kind of pain it is. How many times I've fallen on the ground and cried. I do not know you. I never did anything to you and I sure do not know why you would have done this to me. I do not know why my husband is leaving his wife and family just for a chance with you. I do not know what my husband has told you about me. But this is me. I am not perfect. None of us are but I was good to him. I loved him. (I still love him despite the fact he was so willing to hurt me) I was faithful and devoted to him. I made him first in my life. I did what I could to make him happy. Even if he told you he "wanted to leave" he never gave me any hint of that. He made love to me weekly. He held me every night in bed. He told me every single day he loved me. I have several text messages from him to prove this if you do not believe me.
Enough damage has been done. All the time he spent with you. All the places you went together. Why would you deny me my husband? do you not think these are the things he should have been doing with his wife? My family is in ruins. My home is broken all because of this. You said your ex-husband was unfaithful to you. If you know how damaging that is, why would you turn around and do it to another woman? The only thing I've asked of you is to stay away from my husband. Remove him from your life completely. It's the least you can do after everything else. You've said you were sorry. Fine. Remove yourself from my husband's life. No more contact. In person, on the phone, online, anywhere. Be the bigger person. I know you know what is right.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AppleDucklings said:


> My response to her:
> No, it does not help. Just having "been" with him hurts me in more ways than you can imagine. Just having "been" with him has caused me sickening pain. I do not even know how to describe the kind of pain it is. How many times I've fallen on the ground and cried. I do not know you. I never did anything to you and I sure do not know why you would have done this to me. I do not know why my husband is leaving his wife and family just for a chance with you. I do not know what my husband has told you about me. But this is me. I am not perfect. None of us are but I was good to him. I loved him. (I still love him despite the fact he was so willing to hurt me) I was faithful and devoted to him. I made him first in my life. I did what I could to make him happy. Even if he told you he "wanted to leave" he never gave me any hint of that. He made love to me weekly. He held me every night in bed. He told me every single day he loved me. I have several text messages from him to prove this if you do not believe me.
> Enough damage has been done. All the time he spent with you. All the places you went together. Why would you deny me my husband? do you not think these are the things he should have been doing with his wife? My family is in ruins. My home is broken all because of this. You said your ex-husband was unfaithful to you. If you know how damaging that is, why would you turn around and do it to another woman? The only thing I've asked of you is to stay away from my husband. Remove him from your life completely. It's the least you can do after everything else. You've said you were sorry. Fine. Remove yourself from my husband's life. No more contact. In person, on the phone, online, anywhere. Be the bigger person. I know you know what is right.


I think it was worth saying. Please block her before she can respond. You don't need to hear from this woman anymore. Either she'll do the right thing or she won't.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

Even if she stops contact.. doesn't mean he will.. stop torturing yourself hun.. block her.. walk away.. and hold your head up! YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THEN HOW HE IS TREATING YOU! and you know it!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> So, "just a friend" just emailed me and wanted to let me know that "if it helps anything, I have not "been" with your husband since February."


This woman is off the hook/ridiculous.

I love how she's trying to backpedal when she was JUST at your house in your DRIVEWAY waiting for him just the other day.

What a slag!


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I can guarantee she won't care about anything you said especially if he is still in contact with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hmm maybe you could tell her something like "At this point, do not be surprised if you find yourself named in a divorce petition."


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

or.. "dont be surprised if, you do decide to be with my H, one day he trips and falls and his penis winds up in some other woman"


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

This woman is what rhymes with the word runt.


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

Slag, I can say. Also: bint, tart, trollop, doxie, hussy, Jezebel, harlot, strumpet, succubus, tramp, backbiter, and soul-sucking harpy.

To name a few.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

paramore said:


> This woman is what rhymes with the word runt.


:iagree:


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

she has yet to write me back. Did I say something?? O_O


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

no.. you just block her


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

hahahaha, I was half tempted to post something on her twitter, but for you apple I won't.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I'm half tempted tro write a lot of things too, Paramore. I'm also half tempted to rub posion ivy on the insides of his underwear. I'm half tempted to infest her car with fleas or lice or spiders. But, I won't. Unlike them, I do know right from wrong even when wrong seems so right.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I know right from wrong too.. but if you want me to I know where to find some poison ivy and I will come rub it anywhere you want me to.. her car.. his underwear.. on either of their furniture..


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lilyana said:


> or.. "dont be surprised if, you do decide to be with my H, one day he trips and falls and his penis winds up in some other woman"


Or this! LOL




paramore said:


> This woman is what rhymes with the word runt.


Oh come on, just say it. She is a ****. Of massive proportions. Seriously, she makes me ill. I am not trying to make you more angry, Apple, but the thought of her sitting in your own driveway at your marital home, waiting for your hub, is something that makes me want to smack her for you. 



AppleDucklings said:


> she has yet to write me back. Did I say something?? O_O


She is probably digesting everything you wrote and *hopefully* realizing the destruction and damage she has caused. 

What is up the legal stuff? Did you see the lawyer? Anything new?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

What is up the legal stuff? Did you see the lawyer? Anything new?[/QUOTE]

Yes, I saw a lawyer. But of course, he needs the money upfront. I dont have that. So, Imma go lawyer shopping to see what I can find.


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

Since he no longer considers you married, time to kick his sorry ass to the curb...I know it's easier said than done, but you don't deserve this kind of treatment. Since he says he's in love with another woman, then she can put up with him...until somebody else catches his eye, or she decides to kick him out.
Good luck..I wish you all the best.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Apple, go to see more lawyers and do the ones w/ free consultations. Ask if they have payment plans. Some do! 

I would seriously tell him to GTFO of the house. Today.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

There are also legal services in most states that can help pay for a divorce. You can Google Legal Services of whatever state you live in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

AppleDucklings said:


> T He told me last night that he was going to pursue her with everything he had because she is what he wants. :wtf:


He will be pursuing her with half of what he has now and 20% additional in child support. Hope Skankzilla was worth it.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

If you haven't alread (I just jumped ahead to post a reply) please don't contact her again, and make sure she knows you don't want to be contacted.

One HUGE thing that was wrong with your letter was that you explained that she damaged you. She hurt you. Her actions made you cry. Girl, you are barking up a dead tree. She DOESN'T CARE that she hurt you, so you have to stop telling her that. You can whine at her all you want, but she's not going to care. What you HAVE to do now, if she contacts you again, is show some ANGER and DISCIPLINE and lay down LAWS AND RULES.

You are giving her power by showing your weak side to her. Enough is enough. If you do come in contact again, show her your power. Show her you won't stand for her anymore. She's crossed your line and she's not sorry, and she doesn't care...and she KNOWS she can stay over that line because you're allowing her to see that you're wounded. 

Are you angry enough now to understand that its time to cross HER line? Push her back where she belongs? STOP telling her that you're injured and weak. SHOW her what your rules are and that you are a strong woman.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Brennan said:


> He will be pursuing her with half of what he has now and 20% additional in child support. Hope Skankzilla was worth it.


I get 28% child support  plus alimony


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

JazzTango2Step said:


> If you haven't alread (I just jumped ahead to post a reply) please don't contact her again, and make sure she knows you don't want to be contacted.
> 
> One HUGE thing that was wrong with your letter was that you explained that she damaged you. She hurt you. Her actions made you cry. Girl, you are barking up a dead tree. She DOESN'T CARE that she hurt you, so you have to stop telling her that. You can whine at her all you want, but she's not going to care. What you HAVE to do now, if she contacts you again, is show some ANGER and DISCIPLINE and lay down LAWS AND RULES.
> 
> ...


Powerful message. Thank you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Jazz makes a good point. Never let them see u sweat. On the one hand though I understand u wanting to tell herr off and let her know she is a homewrecker who has been a nightmare to ur marriage. Hopefully the guilt will consume her. I've alreaady said this but it takes a person from a scum. And disgusting level to have the audacity to showup. At ur marital home and wait for ur. Hub. She is a total POS. And so is ur huub right now. When she emails back. U could tell her 'do not contact me again or go anywhere near my home. U have already done enough and don't be suurprisd. If u r mentioned in a divorce petition in front of a judge.K then...go darkM no more contact and tell ukr hub he has to move out. Today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

she has not wrote me back since I told her off. And my dear sweet lovable husband (I do say that quite sarcastically) has informed today he found an efficiency apartment to stay in. How nice that will be I'm sure. Leaving our 5 bedroom home to stay in an efficiency apartment. Well, I hope it was worth it to him


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Congratulate him and wish him well as you open the door for him when walks out w/ his boxes.

When is he moving out? 

Oh and my grammar is absolutely horrifying when typing via my phone (the last post I made). Gotta love the Better Keyboard app.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Congratulate him and wish him well as you open the door for him when walks out w/ his boxes.
> 
> When is he moving out?
> 
> Oh and my grammar is absolutely horrifying when typing via my phone (the last post I made). Gotta love the Better Keyboard app.


LOL I was wondering if you had been drinking, LOL :toast:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

LOL. Not tonight. Massive anatomy exam in the morning.

But I do like beer so I will ::virtually:: drink to that. Cheers, Apple!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I'm taking criminal justice classes. My mid terms are next week.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> Wow, it's crazy how different the wayward spouses can be.
> 
> Your husband is telling you everything (well not all, but a lot). And mine won't admit squat. Crazy.
> 
> I don't know how you are still in the house with him. His crap would be out on the lawn by now pulling that stunt!


He's not been admitting anything either. I've only gotten admissions after I gave him hard evidence such as receipts or online communications I found and printed off.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Lilyana said:


> I did a cartwheel in the driveway last night while H was putting his totes i packed up for him in the car... i havent done a cartwheel since i was 19.. it was AWESOME!


HA HA I dont know you or what you look like but I had a visual of you doing cartwheels and flips in the yard. LMAO! :rofl:


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I'm having a terrrible morning. I woke up and found myself missing him terribly. It's so painful right now. I've been crying and crying all morning, thinking about how he is supposed to be here with me but he's not. He's not because of her. I hate her so much. I never did a damned thing to her. Why does she have any right to MY husband? I blame him too. I'm pretty sure he was aware of the fact he is married. I hate him for he did to our family. I hate him for his willingness to destroy each and everyone of us for "her". And I hate myself for ever taking him back 5 and a half years ago. I hate myself for being stupid enough to give him another chance. And I hate myself for waking up and actually wishing he was here. I just want all these emotions to go away already. I want to be able to turn myself off like he did and not care at all.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Apple , you will be in some pain for a while however you will be far better off in the future once you have shut him out of your life. 

Your are doing this for yourself and your family , time will take away your hurt. Stay on course, breathe deeply , keep your mind occupied, be strong.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I know, it's only been 3 weeks since we separated and only 3 days since I found out the whole truth. I know it will take time. It's just that this morning when I woke up, I realized that he was not here at all last night. I do not know where he was last night. I imagine he was with her. I imagine he spent the night with her. (I can not say that for sure though but when he tells me he's going to pursue her with all he has, where else would I think he is?) As much as I want him moved out of our house, I also hate the thought of him being with her. How is it that some people can so willingly destroy another person's family all for their own selfish needs? That takes a special kind of person right there.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

and let's hope there is a special compartment in hell for people like that.


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

It doesn't take away the pain but know that there are many who have gone through what you are facing right now and we understand. I am always hopeful that the cheater wakes up in enough time that reconciliation is possible. But reconciliation is only worthwhile to the betrayed if the wounds aren't too deep to be permanent scars. I always hoped my ex would wake up & come running back with remorse, willing to do whatever it took to fix our relationship and heal my hurt. Now I see I would always be the fixer, even if I'm the one who needs him to reach out to me. It would never be good for me. I still get mad and still get sad. I grieve the fun closeness & connectedness we had. But he made the choice to ruin our relationship; I didn't. You've done well...better than I did. Even if it feels that you won't make it, have courage & don't give in. You are a good person and good people don't encourage the demons to thrive.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

52flower said:


> It doesn't take away the pain but know that there are many who have gone through what you are facing right now and we understand. I am always hopeful that the cheater wakes up in enough time that reconciliation is possible. But reconciliation is only worthwhile to the betrayed if the wounds aren't too deep to be permanent scars. I always hoped my ex would wake up & come running back with remorse, willing to do whatever it took to fix our relationship and heal my hurt. Now I see I would always be the fixer, even if I'm the one who needs him to reach out to me. It would never be good for me. I still get mad and still get sad. I grieve the fun closeness & connectedness we had. But he made the choice to ruin our relationship; I didn't. You've done well...better than I did. Even if it feels that you won't make it, have courage & don't give in. You are a good person and good people don't encourage the demons to thrive.


yes, this is how I feel. I have always been the one to try to make it better and he has never cared. He hurt me and he didnt care that he did. I cannot fix it this time and even if he was to come back to me, he has betrayed me one too many times. The wounds will not heal this time. I need to start packing his memory away. Anything in my house that has a memory of him needs to go away. I am grieving today. I feel so lonely today. Sitting here missing the closeness, missing his touch, missing feeling whole. I'm burtsing into tears at any given moment and sobbing for a few minutes before calming down again. I think that his utter lack of conscience over what he did is worse than the actual affair. I wish he could at least be sorry, but he is not.


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

I made the mistake of trying to show & convince him he was genuinely loved and cared but it did not change his behavior and respect for our marriage. What a waste of energy. He loved my adoration but also loved what he was doing outside his marriage. He enjoyed that 2 women were fighting for him & it did wonders for his ego. How sick is that?

I never thought I would get out of my depression and sorrow. Recently anger overtook sadness. I thought I would never get there. I still have moments of sadness but I realize it's sadness for a man who wasn't the man I married. As hard as I tried to get over him, for me it just took time and TAM. I'm not there yet but I feel (hope) that I found the right road to permanent detachment & I feel much better for that. Hang in there. You have a lot of support.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> I'm having a terrrible morning. I woke up and found myself missing him terribly. It's so painful right now. I've been crying and crying all morning, thinking about how he is supposed to be here with me but he's not. He's not because of her. I hate her so much. I never did a damned thing to her.


Mornings are the hardest for me, too. I mentioned this to a friend of mine just two days ago. She said that she had post-pard depression a few years back, and the mornings were horrible. Her doctor said it was something about synapses not firing when you first wake up, and maybe for several hours. You need to stimulate your brain and body immediately in the AM! Walk, coffee, crossword, shower, sudoku . . . before you call, text, email, or go back to bed b/c you are sad. Just be aware that the loneliness you feel in the mornings may not be true, just depression. That is something you CAN fix!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

This was another morning I woke up crying. I try to think of the loss of my marriage as quitting smoking. When I quit smoking a year and a half ago, I did so cold turkey. I went through cravings, I went through withdrawals. I really struggled with wanting a cigarette. But I held strong. Now, I've been smoke free since september 2009. With my marriage, the loss is still fresh, so I still "crave" it. I suffer "withdrawals" of not having my H around and I really struggle with trying to make it another day. But, time heals all wounds. I will always have scars however. In time, I will no longer "crave" this marriage. As I grew to realize how bad smoking was for me, I have realize how bad this marriage was for me. He was never faithful. He didnt care about lying to me. He was a very bad husband and my mistake was that I thought if I loved him enough, he would love me too, but no matter how much I loved those cigarettes, they were still bad for me.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

yuppers, today is Easter girl, go dye eggs, hide them, and try to enjoy your holiday, better yet, get some eggs, print out some paper pictures of his face, tape them to the eggs and go SMASH!!!!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

paramore said:


> yuppers, today is Easter girl, go dye eggs, hide them, and try to enjoy your holiday, better yet, get some eggs, print out some paper pictures of his face, tape them to the eggs and go SMASH!!!!


:smthumbup: I could defiently enjoy breaking things today!


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> With my marriage, the loss is still fresh, so I still "crave" it. I suffer "withdrawals" of not having my H around and I really struggle with trying to make it another day. But, time heals all wounds.


That's a great analogy, and it must give you strength b/c you were successful with the smokes! Congratulations! I'm sure there were certain times of the day you'd crave a cig. Try to recognize the times or triggers that make your crave your lying, cheating ass of a husband (oh wait, sorry, I was thinking about mine), and nip them in the bud. Mornings are the hardest for me, too, by far.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

BIP said:


> That's a great analogy, and it must give you strength b/c you were successful with the smokes! Congratulations! I'm sure there were certain times of the day you'd crave a cig. Try to recognize the times or triggers that make your crave your lying, cheating ass of a husband (oh wait, sorry, I was thinking about mine), and nip them in the bud. Mornings are the hardest for me, too, by far.


Yes, mornings are very hard. Waking up without him. Nighttime is very hard, going to bed alone. During the day is very hard because I know he won't be there for me when I get home.All around it is very hard. I dreamed about him last night. I dreamt he was laying in bed me, holding me and that he actually loved me. I'm a week now on doing a hard 180 with him. No contact unless it's about the kids and even then, I keep that short and to the point. I basically act as if he does not exist. He's tried a few times to make small talk with me but I don't respond to it. Last night after he left the house, he texted me asking me to call him, so I did. He wanted to know if I had paid the gas and electric bill. I said yes, I had. And that was all he wanted. Why would he want me to call him just for that? He could have texted me that question, emailed me, asked me the next time he saw me or even gone to the online account and checked bill payments. Why would he want me to call him just for that? Then this morning I had left for school, realized I forgot my laptop computer at home, so I turned around to get it. He was trying to ask me if I forgot something. I ignored him again. I grabbed my computer and left. Right now, he repulses me. I dont think I could stomach having casual conversation with him at this time. I still have the very strong urge to throw plates at him.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Throw the plates throw the plates. Keep ignoring him, I am gonna do that tonight...I will speak politely when spoken to, but there's no way in hell I am going to initiate conversation with the hurtful way he treated me, let him see what life is like without me with me in the same room. He's not gonna have his girl around to have fun casual conversation with like he always does, his girl isn't going to initiate intimacy anymore, he is going to have to do it. I will tell him I am always game, but if he wants me he can come get me if he loves me.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

paramore said:


> Throw the plates throw the plates. Keep ignoring him, I am gonna do that tonight...I will speak politely when spoken to, but there's no way in hell I am going to initiate conversation with the hurtful way he treated me, let him see what life is like without me with me in the same room. He's not gonna have his girl around to have fun casual conversation with like he always does, his girl isn't going to initiate intimacy anymore, he is going to have to do it. I will tell him I am always game, but if he wants me he can come get me if he loves me.


one of my co-workers suggested coating the inside of his underwear with itching powder. A friend suggested I take cat fish bait and rub it randomly on the inside of his car, on the bottoms of the windshield wipers and on the undersides of the door handles.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Do it do it!!!! Lol


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AppleDucklings said:


> one of my co-workers suggested coating the inside of his underwear with itching powder. A friend suggested I take cat fish bait and rub it randomly on the inside of his car, on the bottoms of the windshield wipers and on the undersides of the door handles.


The itching powder would be hilarious. 

H: "Why the hell am I so itchy?" 
You: "Has your affair partner been itching as well? Maybe she should ask her other lovers if they have symptoms!" 

:evil laughter: 

Keep taking the highroad, Apple. Thinking these things is one thing, going through with them another.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

paramore said:


> Do it do it!!!! Lol


it is sooooo tempting


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> The itching powder would be hilarious.
> 
> H: "Why the hell am I so itchy?"
> You: "Has your affair partner been itching as well? Maybe she should ask her other lovers if they have symptoms!"
> ...


I do enjoy the thought, but I would never in real life. Oh but I do snicker at the thought.


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

Two words : Super Glue

Ducky,pack your stuff and come to sunny NC. I have horses the wife left behind. Got chewing tobacco so neither of us has to smoke (Tempting, no?) :E Home made wine. Freezer full of home grown pork. Get here. It's the promised land!
I'll even let you mow pastures!
Get him out of your life so that you can live it. Look out for you and do what's best for you. Be strong, Lady.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

castingabout said:


> Two words : Super Glue
> 
> Ducky,pack your stuff and come to sunny NC. I have horses the wife left behind. Got chewing tobacco so neither of us has to smoke (Tempting, no?) :E Home made wine. Freezer full of home grown pork. Get here. It's the promised land!
> I'll even let you mow pastures!
> Get him out of your life so that you can live it. Look out for you and do what's best for you. Be strong, Lady.


Hmmm, I am a very experienced horseback rider. I rode in fairs and parades as a teenager. Ran some barrel races but never got the chance to do that competively, though I would have loved to. Home grown pork? MMMM, your talkn to a country girl here who knows that farm fed beef and pork is so much better than what you buy at the grocery store. And mowing pastures? Shiiit, that's what goats are for. Put a few Nubians out there and the grass will be short before you know it. If not, driving a tractor aint no problem


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Apple, always wanted to learn how to ride horses well, we need to do that. I had a nubian once named daisy, she was an idiot LOL!!! Problem with my goats, they ruin fences and poop all over the yard haha, and darn it I am too big to ride my mini horses haha.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

had to talk to him about some financial issues. GAAAAHH, I hate talking to him anymore. Whenever I look at him, I see this dispicable creature who took the thing that meant the most to me (our marriage) and $hit all over it. When I look at him, I see "her" on him. It was disgusting the way he stood there, all cold and callus, without a soul, talking to me. As we were talking, we noticed that one of the cats had puked on a pair of his shorts he had left on the floor. He then looks me and says "is that cat puke or did you wipe your ass with my shorts?" I was so offended. I told him that was uncalled for and all he did was shrug his shoulders. He's the one who cheats on me and then he insults me! I cant wait to get rid of this bastard. When does the misery come for him? When does he get to suffer the same kind of pain he has put me through? How can he stand there, emotionless about everything?


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

it is called karma, just desserts, it will come. I said I love you to husband tonight and he didn't say it back, they will get it at some point and time. I would have wiped my ass on his shorts LOL....purposely ate some prunes and have a WHOOPS!!! lol


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

paramore said:


> it is called karma, just desserts, it will come. I said I love you to husband tonight and he didn't say it back, they will get it at some point and time. I would have wiped my ass on his shorts LOL....purposely ate some prunes and have a WHOOPS!!! lol


I just used his toothbrush to brush the dogs teeth.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

LOVE IT!!!!!!!!! wipe it on their ass too, and rinse it and leave it lie.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

He likes to eat the kitty crunchies if he gets the chance to get in the litter box. Maybe I should just let him have a "treat" and then brush his teeth again


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hi Apple. Did you ever see the L? What is going on?


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

just_peachy said:


> You are not losing everything. You are losing a decaying albatross chained to a spiked collar around your neck. In exchange, you are gaining access to the world beyond this dead lice-ridden bird - a world of contentment in a sunrise, joy in a smile, peace in your own skin.
> 
> He is losing everything, though he doesn't realize that yet. You, though, you are gaining everything.


I couldn't agree more and while he is gone, have the locks changed too....what an ass.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I did something rather mean to my H last night.. cuz he told me he wouldn't fight me for custody of the kids if he does decide to leave, he just wants his freedom... I got instantly pissed.. i wanted to tell the kids that their daddy would just toss them aside for his "freedom"... but I didnt.. instead

I cut holes in all the crotches of his underwear....


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Hi Apple. Did you ever see the L? What is going on?


Yes, I have. I do not know when I will be able to get the process started though. I'm struggling to catch up on bills now. I recently found out that my H has not paid any bills for the past 2 months now. I have disconnect notices everywhere. He was always in charge of the money and bill paying and I always assumed he had paid the bills. Turns out, he's been spending on our money on other things  I do not know when I will be able to come up with the money to hire a lawyer.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

Look up legal aide or legal services.. there are a lot of lawyers out there who will charge a sliding fee scale.. or even pro bono it if things are that bad. 

I found a lawyer this week.. hes willing to probono my case because of all the emotional abuse I've been dealing with, he said he doesn't want to see anyone sitting in a situation like mine.

Keep digging girl there is help out there.. file for child support! Go to the child support services office.. file.. and ask them about legal aide.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Lilyana said:


> I did something rather mean to my H last night.. cuz he told me he wouldn't fight me for custody of the kids if he does decide to leave, he just wants his freedom... I got instantly pissed.. i wanted to tell the kids that their daddy would just toss them aside for his "freedom"... but I didnt.. instead
> 
> I cut holes in all the crotches of his underwear....


:rofl: did you see my post from last night? I brushed my dog's teeth with my H toothbrush  My dog's teeth look great! He will probably do good with another cleaning tonight.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

make sure he eats some kitty crunchies first! hahahaha


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Lilyana said:


> Look up legal aide or legal services.. there are a lot of lawyers out there who will charge a sliding fee scale.. or even pro bono it if things are that bad.
> 
> I found a lawyer this week.. hes willing to probono my case because of all the emotional abuse I've been dealing with, he said he doesn't want to see anyone sitting in a situation like mine.
> 
> Keep digging girl there is help out there.. file for child support! Go to the child support services office.. file.. and ask them about legal aide.


I googled legal aide services in my county. I came up with 2 names and emailed both of them. Now the waiting game.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

you go girl! hopefully they will get ahold of you soon.. i really lucked out with my lawyer.. he called me this morning just to see if I was ok and if i had come to my senses and thrown him out yet.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Lilyana said:


> you go girl! hopefully they will get ahold of you soon.. i really lucked out with my lawyer.. he called me this morning just to see if I was ok and if i had come to my senses and thrown him out yet.


I'm hoping to find one willing to take my case on too. One that will be more than happy to stick it to my H real good. Make him suffer the consequences of his actions.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Legal aid is a good idea if you're pressed for funds. 



AppleDucklings said:


> Turns out, he's been spending on our money on other things


He's been spending it on the motel and movies with his skank mistress. 



AppleDucklings said:


> I brushed my dog's teeth with my H toothbrush  My dog's teeth look great!


:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Omg I seriously almost spit my Pepsi out reading that!

What kind of dog do you have? (No, not your husband, but that sweet pup).


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Legal aid is a good idea if you're pressed for funds.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I have a Boxer and a Doberman. I brushed my Dobie's teeth


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Legal aid is a good idea if you're pressed for funds.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I would have loved to watch him brush his teeth this morning but I had to leave for work before he was even awake.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

52flower said:


> I made the mistake of trying to show & convince him he was genuinely loved and cared but it did not change his behavior and respect for our marriage. What a waste of energy. He loved my adoration but also loved what he was doing outside his marriage. He enjoyed that 2 women were fighting for him & it did wonders for his ego. How sick is that?
> 
> I never thought I would get out of my depression and sorrow. Recently anger overtook sadness. I thought I would never get there. I still have moments of sadness but I realize it's sadness for a man who wasn't the man I married. As hard as I tried to get over him, for me it just took time and TAM. I'm not there yet but I feel (hope) that I found the right road to permanent detachment & I feel much better for that. Hang in there. You have a lot of support.


I did the same thing in my marriage. I did everything I could to show him that my love for him was genuine. I would go out of my way to make him happy. For nearly 15 years I gave this man all of myself. And the only thing he gave back was a trail of heartbreak and broken promises. I am in the anger stage right now. I want him out of my life. He has been unfaithful numerous times throughout our marriage. I am worth more than what he has put me through and I know he will do nothing but leave a trail of broken relationships in his future. He's never been faithful to a single woman. Ever. 
I hope someday I find a man who will love me and my kids and will be a real man, not a slimely scum sucking salamander.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I bet that Dobie's teeth are sparkling...gorgeous!! 

LOL!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I bet that Dobie's teeth are sparkling...gorgeous!!
> 
> LOL!


I wonder what else needs cleaned around the house? The toliet maybe? The shower? The stove? I just may have to go on an all out scrub-a-thon.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I have been reveling in the fantasies of what probably will happen when H moves out and tries to actually work something out with OW. And I know these things will happen....

She will either find out how horrible he is in bed (which do to is BDSM fantasy world, he thrives on causing his partners pain and embarassment) and if he doesnt go into the bdsm thing with her right away she will find out hes a 2 pump chump..and then dump his a$$

or .. 

She will find out the truth of what a selfish idiot he is, and he will move on to the next floozie that will give it to him soon enough...

or.. 

she will F*ck around, cuz thats what tramps who break up marriages do eventually (i seen her personally bring home 3 random dudes from a bar three nights in a row, my sister in law and her competed for them.. sick)

and then I will laugh.. because he will have p*ssed his marriage and family away.. with no second chance .. Karma will come.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

My girl friend in college found out her boyf was cheating on her... and one night she went to his car with cat doo doo from the litter box and smeared it underneath the door handle of the driver's side.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

get a box of oreos.. twist them open.. lick the cream side and stick them to his windshield.. that stuff wont come off for nothing! LOL


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> My girl friend in college found out her boyf was cheating on her... and one night she went to his car with cat doo doo from the litter box and smeared it underneath the door handle of the driver's side.


LOL! I love it!


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Wow, you guys have me laughing. Oh goodness, must control myself from doing something spiteful. LOL. 

52Flower I could have written what you wrote verbatim. Sad, really. We are good people!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Lilyana said:


> get a box of oreos.. twist them open.. lick the cream side and stick them to his windshield.. that stuff wont come off for nothing! LOL


oh all the fun and devious things I would love to do. But, in time, karma will get to him and he will be sad and miserable man.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AppleDucklings said:


> oh all the fun and devious things I would love to do. But, in time, karma will get to him and he will be sad and miserable man.


The best revenge is to be happy without him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The best revenge is to be happy and to let her have him.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> The best revenge is to be happy and to let her have him.


I dont want her to have my husband though. He was mine and she had no right to him.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

yes, but keep this in mind girl, I said it once I'll say it again, best revenge is the kind that is self inflicted.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

AppleDucklings said:


> I dont want her to have my husband though. He was mine and she had no right to him.


Babe, he's no prize. Keep telling that to yourself. HE IS NO PRIZE. Kind of like a punishment, really. So she deserves him and he deserves her.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I keep wrestling with the same thought apple.. I don't think I want him anymore.. but dammit she can't have him either. It's almost like letting the OW win...

But in the end, we have to remember.. is the OW really winning? Look at the sh*t both of our H's has put us through. Eventually my H will show his true colors to the OW and she will leave before it began. Yours will do it too. And just as sure as they are cowards.. they will come crawling back to us.. and that is the day we will be strong and tell them.. they had their chance.. numerous times.. and we don't need them anymore!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Lilyana said:


> I cut holes in all the crotches of his underwear....


Angry women and knives. Don't buy a rabbit.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

LOL apple has a rabbit.....


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I do have a rabbit. No worries, Elizabeth, you are safe  
He has a large duffle bag that he's been keeping his clothes and things in. He took that with him today, so I was unable to "clean" the dog's teeth again today. But on the hand, perhaps he is not coming back tonight? He is still sleeping here, I've got another week before he moves out. But when he does move out, he will be living an hour away and I think it will be good for him to be that far away.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

it will be good for YOU, I am currently struggling with the decision to ask him to go to his sisters so he can figure himself out, whether he wants to actively commit or not. He told me that he is trying by being home and not talking to other women, I guess if I choose to believe him, I guess that is something. Grrrrrr, I wish I had an ez button right now.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Lilyana said:


> I keep wrestling with the same thought apple.. I don't think I want him anymore.. but dammit she can't have him either. It's almost like letting the OW win...
> 
> But in the end, we have to remember.. is the OW really winning? Look at the sh*t both of our H's has put us through. Eventually my H will show his true colors to the OW and she will leave before it began. Yours will do it too. And just as sure as they are cowards.. they will come crawling back to us.. and that is the day we will be strong and tell them.. they had their chance.. numerous times.. and we don't need them anymore!


Yes, that is how I feel. It's like letting her win and to hell if I'm going to let some homewrecking bimbo walk away with my husband! But, you are right too. What is she winning? A man who would cheat on his wife and leave his family? And I betcha your own feet that if they do become a couple, every thought that goes through her head will be filled with thoughts of me (his wife) and thoughts of will he be faithful as she knows that their relationship was born out of lies and deceit.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> Yes, mornings are very hard. Waking up without him. Nighttime is very hard, going to bed alone. During the day is very hard because I know he won't be there for me when I get home.All around it is very hard. I dreamed about him last night. I dreamt he was laying in bed me, holding me and that he actually loved me.


That breaks my heart. I miss my H terribly, too, but the man I just saw in the driveway dressed in my husband's body is NOT the man I love. 180, 180, 180 . . .


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

BIP said:


> That breaks my heart. I miss my H terribly, too, but the man I just saw in the driveway dressed in my husband's body is NOT the man I love. 180, 180, 180 . . .


I am working on the 180 too. It's not to win him back. It's to win myself back.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> I am working on the 180 too. It's not to win him back. It's to win myself back.


As I wrote in some previous thread, "I can't tell you if the 180 will save my marriage, but it will save my dignity!" Hold your head up high, Darling!


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> I dont want her to have my husband though. He was mine and she had no right to him.


I suspected my H of having an EA with some chick, and the chick was very open to the possibility of a long-term thing with him.
When H and I first seperated, I actually thought about staying with him, just so he couldn't be with that chick. That idea lasted a full hour, if that.
First, if the H wanted to be with that chick, it was gonna happen if he would let it happen, I had nothing to do with that decision.
Second, and more importantly, that is not the life I wanted. 
Sh-t, that isn't a life at all. 

You can't stay with someone just for the sake of not allowing them to be with someone else. It's hard, it sucks, it hurts but it's the truth.


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## lrng2BpersonIseek (Apr 27, 2011)

Urgh! I feel your pain -- been there and done that. I might add to the great responses I read here encouraging you to stand up for yourself and not be a door mat to anyone -- that when alcohol and drugs are in the mix any kind of selfish, self-centered behavior can be expected in any situation. You mentioned H being in a "fog" and "drunk." If these are issues, it has been my experience that the other spouse (you) has also been effected. If that is the case, I have found much help with learning to care for myself and to require the same from others around me thru CoDependants Anonymous (CoDA) (Google search for more information). 

There are some really great resources available to provide you support during this crisis from a variety of backgrounds. I find this blog and other forum formats very helpful. I belong to a number of Yahoo Groups which help to guide and inform my choices in a variety of areas of my life.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> What is she winning?


EXACTLY. WHAT is she winning? LOL. 

He has shown you who he is over and over again. Believe him. What is up with the lawyer stuff? Where is he moving to? 

Keep brushing Dobie's teeth


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> EXACTLY. WHAT is she winning? LOL.
> 
> He has shown you who he is over and over again. Believe him. What is up with the lawyer stuff? Where is he moving to?
> 
> Keep brushing Dobie's teeth


Nothing on the lawyer stuff so far. First one I spoke with wanted $1,150 upfront and I don't have that kind of extra around. I contacted 2 lawyers yesterday that according to the websites work sliding scale fees but I have yet to hear back from either of them. 
He is moving to the city where his job is, which is an hour away. I will be happy to have him an hour away. He should hopefully be moving next week!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Call around to ones that offer free consultations, too.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I'm looking Jellybeans, I am looking. Lawyers just really want a thing known as money and I have none as I am trying to pay off 2 months worth of bills that my H neglected to pay.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I know. It sucks.

Divorce joke: Why is divorce so expensive??

Because it's worth it


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

He's been at the house all day today. We talked about getting the house bills transferred into my name, we talked about when he would be officially moving out. Then, I do not know what came over me but I stood there and told him all about how much I hate him. I told him how he disgusts me and I just let me emotions flow. He stood there and he did acknowledge the fact that he is an @sshole but still as I looked into his eyes, I could there was no remorse. I stood there and sobbed like a baby, letting him know how much I hated him for what he did and then, without knowing why, it's like my legs controlled me, I walked over to him and I wrapped my arms around him. He hugged me back and he held me while I sobbed some more. I then dried my eyes, I looked him in the eyes and I told him he was free, that I had released him. I told him if he wanted to pursure her, to pursue her. I was not going to wait for him, I had not only freed him, but I freed myself and I had officially released myself of any cords that tied myself to this marriage. I gave him a kiss on his lips, I said "good bye" and I walked away. Well, about an hour passes and he asks me if I would go with him to take the kids and the dog with the really clean teeth (hehe) to the park with him. I said no. He said "I want you to go" So, I went. We spent maybe an hour at the park and came home. I went back to my room to use my computer and he came back to the room too and was telling me about some stuff with his job. He then put our daughter to bed and he left the house. He's been gone about an hour now. I feel kind of indifferent about him being gone right now. I would bet my grandma he's off with "her" right now. The thought of him being with her before always killed me, tonight I kinda feel like whatever. I did not like being around him so much today. I found myself starting to "feel" for him. This is why NC is a must. I told him once he moved out, I did not want to see him. I said being that we do have children together, I know there will be times when I do have to see you but those times can be few and far between. I told him that when he comes to pick up the kids, I will send them outside, there would be no need for him to come inside and likewise when he brings them home. No need to come in. The other day, I placed our wedding rings in a box, sealed it shut with tape and wrote on the box "R.I.P. Marriage May 21, 1997 - April 3, 2011 May you rest in peace" When we are officially divorced, I'm going to bury the box, I'm going to grieve, and say good bye. A funeral for my marriage. I think it will be a hard day but I also think it will be good therapy for me in a way.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I am sorry Apple, I looked at my rings yesterday and cried. I wanted to write a note to him saying, Here is the ring you gave me, give it back to me when you are ready to be my husband again, put my ring in it and leave it in his truck when he was at work, I thought better of it, and just let it lie. He is on the couch as I write this, and I am not saying a word to him unless he speaks to me first.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Good for you, Apple. You did the right thing. But I wouldn't have gone to the park with him. I know, it's hard. But you are detaching. You can do this!

I put my wedding rings into my jewelry box. I also took out all kinds of old rings and stuff I'm going to go sell for scrap gold money. I have this feeling that H came and took his original wedding band last week when he got the rest of his stuff so he could sell it to have spending money for the week with his OW. I'm selling my promise ring and ILU ring and MOM ring. But I'll hold onto my wedding band and engagement ring for now. SO sad.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

don't sell your mothers ring!!! lol, unless MOM stands for something else.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

paramore said:


> don't sell your mothers ring!!! lol, unless MOM stands for something else.


No, it's just a channel set diamond band that says mom on the inside. But he gave it to me. And I don't wear it. And almost every piece of jewelry from him makes me sad.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

ahhh, I see. I only have 3 pieces of jewelry he has given me, my wedding ring, a necklace for our 10 yr anniversary, and a locket he gave me shortly after we got together, everytime I look at them I choke up.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

My H's cousin stole my wedding band when we were married 4 years. He was an alcholic, stole it when I had removed it, placed it in my jewelry box and went to do house chores (dishes and such). 

the next thing i knew it was gone. Wish i had it now so I could have at least sold it.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Just made another lawyer appointment for Monday. Hopefully this one will work out. 6 days til the H moves out!


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Apple, I read your park story. It was like a soap opera. You expressed hatred, hugged him, kissed him then went to the park with him. What did he do to deserve you, a caring, selfless, beautiful MILF of a woman, going to the park with him? Hm? 

Slept with an OW. Awesome. I'm going to find a woman I like, sleep with her again and again because I know that when I get home, my wife will still be there for me. That is exactly what your husband is thinking. 

Apple, I'm begging you. Do a COMPLETE 180 or divorce him like yesterday...


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

The 13th_Floor said:


> Apple, I read your park story. It was like a soap opera. You expressed hatred, hugged him, kissed him then went to the park with him. What did he do to deserve you, a caring, selfless, beautiful MILF of a woman, going to the park with him? Hm?
> 
> Slept with an OW. Awesome. I'm going to find a woman I like, sleep with her again and again because I know that when I get home, my wife will still be there for me. That is exactly what your husband is thinking.
> 
> Apple, I'm begging you. Do a COMPLETE 180 or divorce him like yesterday...


If he is thinking this way, then why is he talking about how he wants a divorce? 
And he doesnt deserve me. I was good to him. I was not perfect, I had my moments but I never cheated, I never made him feel unworthy of me. This is his loss, right?


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

it's hard to 180 a person you live with, but her H is moving out!!!! I did pretty good on mine last night and this morning, although right now it is coming across as angry silence, I guess to some degree it is a little, but it'll get better by tonight. Last night my H slept on the couch, cuz he probably figured I was pissed. I made him get up and come to bed cuz he took the alarm clock downstairs and I needed to be up at 6, and was afraid that he would hit snooze and I would get up late. I didn't say a whole lot this morning either, told me he got on fb last night and didn't do anything he shouldn't do. I said, none of my business not my problem, carry on with or talk to whoever you want, none of my business. I know now I shouldn't have thrown in the carrying on comment, slipped out before i could stop it. He didn't say goodbye when he left, I wonder if I struck a nerve, selfish me kind of hopes it did. Well, regardless Apple, the first few days of a 180 there is bound to be some slip ups right?


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I think I'm going to make my signature.. "some day someone will love me for the sexy b*tch that I am"

No one JUST deserves us Apple... they should be HONORED that we let them HAVE us. They should be showing us every day how adored, loved and cherished we are. Not treating us like castoffs...

You know it. I know it. I'm not letting my H ever touch me again. Or talk me back into it, just to be treated the same again. The cycle ends with us. We have to stop it. so apple say it with me...

NO MORE HUGS! NO MORE KISSES! NO MORE LOVE! he needs to be begging for your love.. not the other way around!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

You are right. I've lived with a low self esteem for long enough now. I grew up with a mother I was never good enough for, I married a man I was never good enough for. It's time to stand up just be good enough for myself already.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I'm the same way.. My mom forced me to take diet pills when I turned 12.. telling me "no one likes a chubby a$$".. when really I didn't have a chubby anything, I was doing what 12 year olds do, develop.

Low self esteem is a huge issue for us i think... I've had strangers tell me I'm beautiful. I've had people tell me I deserve so much better in life. But I never believe it. Why? to quote Pretty Woman, "The bad stuff is easier to believe". 

If my self esteem and self value were stronger and better developed when I was younger, I wouldn't have stuck in this marriage for as long as I have. Not to mention I have serious Daddy issues (have a step father, who was emotional abusive, and never ever showed me any type of love, but I watched him give it to my halfbrother 'his real son' my whole life. And my real dad I met him at 18 and he wanted nothing to do with me).. I know all that forced me into the first man that showed me love arms. I don't think I would have married so young, or put up with it all, if i thought I had value.

I'm learning now. I'm taking steps to improve me. I'm trying to see things in me i like. My favorite feature on myself are my lips.. they are nice and full and so I spend a lot of time really jazzing up this feature lol. It makes me feel better. My therapist advised me to stand naked in front of a mirror (UGH) and pick out one thing every day.. just one.. that I like... Had a hard time finding one today.. but I picked my neck lol

Do little things for yourself that makes you feel better. If funds are low (which I know they are for you right now) they can be little things, long bubble bath.. do your nails.. Just little things that can make you feel better about YOU  it works honestly.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

apples did you get my txts?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

paramore said:


> apples did you get my txts?


No. I will email you on facebook.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Lilyana said:


> I'm the same way.. My mom forced me to take diet pills when I turned 12.. telling me "no one likes a chubby a$$".. when really I didn't have a chubby anything, I was doing what 12 year olds do, develop.
> 
> Low self esteem is a huge issue for us i think... I've had strangers tell me I'm beautiful. I've had people tell me I deserve so much better in life. But I never believe it. Why? to quote Pretty Woman, "The bad stuff is easier to believe".
> 
> ...


made me think of this video, lol YouTube - Jessica's "Daily Affirmation"


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

OMG that little girl gets it.. I LOVE IT!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

was hoping to avoid the hub today but will have to see him after all. He's getting the kids from school today and he wants me to get them from him at 4. I guess he needs to spend a few hours with "her" before leaving for work tonight. Gaahh, I hate the feeling that gives me. Why does he get to go off and be happy and I have to suffer? I wasnt the one who broke my vows, I wasnt the one who betrayed him, I wasnt the one who did wrong. So, why the hell does he get to be happy and I have to hurt?


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

Your happy time will come hun!.. and so will his miserable time.. just you watch! Karma is a B*tch


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Don't worry about the What ifs and the whys and how comes, Apple.

You just need to live for you, be the best person you can be for yourself and your children.

This is his problem and his decision. It has nothing to do with you. You are worth more.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> If he is thinking this way, then why is he talking about how he wants a divorce?
> And he doesnt deserve me. I was good to him. I was not perfect, I had my moments but I never cheated, I never made him feel unworthy of me. This is his loss, right?


I still think you're enabling him. Dance around it all you want. He cheats, you give him affection.. I know you love him, but sometimes it's better to leave the mirror broken than to hurt yourself trying to fix it. 

I'm just saying, either 180 the right way, or keep getting hurt day after day...


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> was hoping to avoid the hub today but will have to see him after all. He's getting the kids from school today and he wants me to get them from him at 4. I guess he needs to spend a few hours with "her" before leaving for work tonight. Gaahh, I hate the feeling that gives me. Why does he get to go off and be happy and I have to suffer? I wasnt the one who broke my vows, I wasnt the one who betrayed him, I wasnt the one who did wrong. So, why the hell does he get to be happy and I have to hurt?


Why do you HAVE to pick up the kids at 4pm? Is saying "no" not an option? If it is an option, you guessed it, you're enabling him.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

The 13th_Floor said:


> Why do you HAVE to pick up the kids at 4pm? Is saying "no" not an option? If it is an option, you guessed it, you're enabling him.


you are right 13, in 15 years, I have never stood up to him. His text to me said "I will get the kids from school but you need to be here by 4". It's time I grew my own set of balls and not care if he gets mad.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

The 13th_Floor said:


> I still think you're enabling him. Dance around it all you want. He cheats, you give him affection.. I know you love him, but sometimes it's better to leave the mirror broken than to hurt yourself trying to fix it.
> 
> I'm just saying, either 180 the right way, or keep getting hurt day after day...


You have agood point 13. I had been doing good for the past week with the 180. I hardly saw him or spoke to him the past week. I felt myself getting stronger. Then yesterday I hugged him, and I grew weak. I even agreed to go to the park with him and the kids when he asked me too. But that night he ran off with the cootie queen. But I'm back in the saddle today. Only 6 more days til he moves out.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

he took our 6 year old daughter to go to the park to meet up with that husband stealing ***** and her 2 kids. When I found out, I just broke down. I just cannot stopping crying right now. What makes this ***** good enough but not his wife of almost 14 years? What makes her so wonderful but the person who devoted over a decade to him gets sh*t on?


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

then go get her....she doesn't need to be around that *****.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I wish I could have kept her home with me but he does get visititaion with his daughter and I have no control that he takes her to be around the hag.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I just texted you but I will say it again, yes....you.....do......this woman is harmful in every way to your family, and just exposing your daughter to her is harmful in the fact that when she finds out who this woman is and what she is doing with daddy, it is gonna hurt even worse that she met her. Like I texted you, if you were dating a known child molester, do you think that your H would let your kids around him at all?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

paramore said:


> I just texted you but I will say it again, yes....you.....do......this woman is harmful in every way to your family, and just exposing your daughter to her is harmful in the fact that when she finds out who this woman is and what she is doing with daddy, it is gonna hurt even worse that she met her. Like I texted you, if you were dating a known child molester, do you think that your H would let your kids around him at all?


Ok, first, I would NOT date a known molester. Gimme some credit,. lol. I know the guys I pick are real winners but still, lol. I debated on keeping my daughter home with me and not letting her go with her dad but also thought about how does that work with the 180. If I had a fit right in front of my husband about this, how would I look to him? But if I played it off like I didnt care, how would that look to him? Although I did give him a very dirty look.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If we had a Punch the OW line going I just want to let you know, Apple, I woul dbe the first one to glady knock her out for you  SHE SUCKS.

And she still maintains she's not involved with him.

YUCK.

PLEASE BE DONE WITH THIS FOOL SOON!


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

OF COURSE you wouldn't date a child molester, I was just using that as an example, an extreme one, but just an example lol. Set up some boundaries, he is to be spending time with HIS child, not his child and this slaggy pos and her children, his time with your kids is supposed to be directed at THEM. I told H that if he ever dated last EA, no way in hell was she allowed around my kids, as she is NOT the kind of influence I want on my children, esp. my preteen and teenage daughter. He tried to throw it back at me with oh you are saying your would withhold our kids against me? I said no YOU can see them whenever you want, just not when she could be around.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> If we had a Punch the OW line going I just want to let you know, Apple, I woul dbe the first one to glady knock her out for you  SHE SUCKS.
> 
> And she still maintains she's not involved with him.
> 
> ...


Not soon enough JB. Not soon enough. I just hate that he gets to go off and be with somebody while I have to hurt. It's hard to pretend to be happy when inside you are shattered.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

yup it sure is....you went out to lunch with a friend, maybe gussy yourself up and go have some supper and a drink with a friend...let HIM wonder where you are.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Just read some of this - good news is that your life has a lot of room for improvement, right? You've been so miserable for so long that being happy might be hard to get used to - once you get there.

Not sure what to do about the kids and the park. I'm sure they'll figure it out one day. When your H is cheating on his 5th wife, and you either married to prince charming, or even a single mom focused on keeping her familiy/kids together. They'll get it - and will want nothing to do with him.

Don't you just love the idea of two low life's falling in love? Its only matter of time before history repeats and one of them is ruining this new wonderful relationship they have together.

Hang in there. Even being a single mom will be better than this crap - and I'm sure you know that even if its hard to see right now.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

paramore said:


> yup it sure is....you went out to lunch with a friend, maybe gussy yourself up and go have some supper and a drink with a friend...let HIM wonder where you are.


I did have anice lunch with a friend and I brought myself a new ring and a new necklace.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

So my H brings my daughter home and she tells me about how she saw daddy and "friend" hugging each at the park. That made me feel so sick to my stomach. What kind of bastard is he!


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

he is the scum of the earth


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

he is the scum's excrement


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

agreed.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

Ok, he should not be exposing the children to OW while you are both still married and both of you are still living together.. that is sending your daughter a HUGE bad messege....

Tell him if he wants to visit his daughter.. he needs to do it on HIS time without HER.. she has no reason to visit YOUR daughter, she has no claim on YOUR daughter. So she can back off of HIS visitation time.

Ok I said my piece.. wheres that bottle of wine?


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## loveless25 (Jan 5, 2011)

omg i hate how stupid some ppl are! my ex did the same thing I wanted to beat him, but my daughter came home saying "I woke up cuz i heard daddy shaking the bed" It was disgusting. The next time he wanted them to visit I told him not to shake the bed with my kids around. I said my daughter heard everything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

OMG! they can't wait to have sex until after the kids go back home really? geezus lol


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

My H moved to a new office last December. The day he moved, I asked my 12 year old if he knew about the move. My son said "The only reason Dad switched offices is so he can be with (OW), my new step-mom!" That was my first hint of the affair!!!! And my poor son already knew. Duh!


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

BIP said:


> My H moved to a new office last December. The day he moved, I asked my 12 year old if he knew about the move. My son said "The only reason Dad switched offices is so he can be with (OW), my new step-mom!" That was my first hint of the affair!!!! And my poor son already knew. Duh!


**** the OW WS would be lucky to wake up the next morning if they told my children that.If you live out in the desert I have a solution for you a shovel a full tank of gas and if you want a gun but I suggest just duct tape. Drive thirty fifty miles out into the desert. Dig a whole remeber the mile marker from where you got off the freeway, now go back find husband. Hit on head with shovel. Duct tape his **** stained underwear into his mouth and bind his arms and legs well with duct tape. Put in trunk of car. Drive back out to desert place husband in hole. Bury everything but his head. Slap him till he regains conciousness.Wait till panic leaves his eyes. Look him in eyes smile lovingly and walk off.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

oh bip and loveless, I am so sorry.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Get ready to vomit. I found this on the ow myspace page. My H wrote this to her.....You feel as if you are not good enough for someone. Have you ever thought you deserve better? That this person/s don't deserve to breathe the same air as you and should be blessed just to be able to be in your presence. You are a bright light in an otherwise dark place. You deserve so much more. Please don't think it is all you. Some are too cowardly and stupid to grasp what is in front if them, yearning for their love. You are not just good enough, you are perfect.


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

I am telling you all lots of room out in the desert, we can create some phenomenom people will debate about for years how did so many people end up in the desert from varying backgrounds.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> Get ready to vomit. I found this on the ow myspace page. My H wrote this to her.....You feel as if you are not good enough for someone. Have you ever thought you deserve better? That this person/s don't deserve to breathe the same air as you and should be blessed just to be able to be in your presence. You are a bright light in an otherwise dark place. You deserve so much more. Please don't think it is all you. Some are too cowardly and stupid to grasp what is in front if them, yearning for their love. You are not just good enough, you are perfect.


i wish there was a vomit emot...

:vomit:


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

AppleDucklings said:


> Get ready to vomit. I found this on the ow myspace page. My H wrote this to her.....You feel as if you are not good enough for someone. Have you ever thought you deserve better? That this person/s don't deserve to breathe the same air as you and should be blessed just to be able to be in your presence. You are a bright light in an otherwise dark place. You deserve so much more. Please don't think it is all you. Some are too cowardly and stupid to grasp what is in front if them, yearning for their love. You are not just good enough, you are perfect.


A "perfect" tramp and homewrecker.

And I really don't say this often, but KICK HIM IN THE [email protected]!!!


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

Niceguy13 said:


> **** the OW WS would be lucky to wake up the next morning if they told my children that.If you live out in the desert I have a solution for you a shovel a full tank of gas and if you want a gun but I suggest just duct tape. Drive thirty fifty miles out into the desert. Dig a whole remeber the mile marker from where you got off the freeway, now go back find husband. Hit on head with shovel. Duct tape his **** stained underwear into his mouth and bind his arms and legs well with duct tape. Put in trunk of car. Drive back out to desert place husband in hole. Bury everything but his head. Slap him till he regains conciousness.Wait till panic leaves his eyes. Look him in eyes smile lovingly and walk off.


Niceguy not sounding so nice. . . I like it!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

I am actuallynot that nice of a guy just to people I care about, in reality I am twisted ****ed up person. And if my wife pulled that **** with my child to where oh this is your new stepfather before even coming to me yeah... desert...duct tape....shovel. Probaly go as far as place OM in front of her with his new second smile while she baked in the desert everyday.....Told you I am sick


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

nothing wrong with a warped sense of humor.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Yes, vomit! 

So OW was flying into town last Friday and I was able to see her facebook page. She posted that she was about to fly to FL and my H wrote "I can't friggin wait!!!!!!" with a bunch of hearts. Then she posted when she was leaving her layover and how excited she was and he posted, "Only 2 more hours until I get my hug" and then someone told him to give her best hug ever and he replied, "Oh, I will give her the biggest hug she's ever had and never let her go." VOMIT!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I'm sorry Lost, that is so hard to have to read. Who do our spouses think they are? That note my H wrote to the OW, which sounded all sweet and caring, he never spoke that way to me. Why does she get to have a nice side of him and I get walked all over? Why does he think he needs to be her hero and I get left behind?


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

@LOL . . . Double VOMIT

@Apple . . . My H used to be SO SWEET to me. Then, during his text/email affair, he'd send me endearments, and then send almost the same to her!!!! He was on a business trip to San Diego and sent me a photo of the harbor from his hotel window. Caption " Beautiful, just like you!" I read his email, and HER caption was "Such a beautiful view, wish I could share it with you!"
Just twisted!!!!


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Damn, now she has a picture of them together as her facebook profile pic. Barf.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> Damn, now she has a picture of them together as her facebook profile pic. Barf.


the ow in my H's life has done that before too. BARF!


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> Damn, now she has a picture of them together as her facebook profile pic. Barf.


SERIOUSLY?????
How can that happen???
VOMIT!


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

BIP said:


> SERIOUSLY?????
> How can that happen???
> VOMIT!


I'm incredibly impaired right now due to drinking excessive amounts of beer. BARF!


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Cheers, friends! I just downed 3/4 of a bottle of sangria! Me sleepy. And OW changed the pic to a picture of an alligator. Hmmm. Interesting.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> Cheers, friends! I just downed 3/4 of a bottle of sangria! Me sleepy. And OW changed the pic to a picture of an alligator. Hmmm. Interesting.


Nah, it's just probably her true form without her make up on


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

QUOTE=The 13th_Floor;309132]I'm incredibly impaired right now due to drinking excessive amounts of beer. BARF![/QUOTE]

:toast: Cheers friend


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> He's been at the house all day today. We talked about getting the house bills transferred into my name, we talked about when he would be officially moving out. Then, I do not know what came over me but I stood there and told him all about how much I hate him. I told him how he disgusts me and I just let me emotions flow. He stood there and he did acknowledge the fact that he is an @sshole but still as I looked into his eyes, I could there was no remorse. I stood there and sobbed like a baby, letting him know how much I hated him for what he did and then, without knowing why, it's like my legs controlled me, I walked over to him and I wrapped my arms around him. He hugged me back and he held me while I sobbed some more. I then dried my eyes, I looked him in the eyes and I told him he was free, that I had released him. I told him if he wanted to pursure her, to pursue her. I was not going to wait for him, I had not only freed him, but I freed myself and I had officially released myself of any cords that tied myself to this m.


Sh-t, that took some freakin' balls to tell him that stuff! You're strong, woman. Prob stronger than you think. He's a one stupid mother ****er to take your kid around the OW so quickly. What a selfish thing to do.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

He's on the phone with her right now as I write. Is it not bad enough that he's having the affair but he has to throw it at my face? I don't understand this cruelty towards me.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> He's on the phone with her right now as I write. Is it not bad enough that he's having the affair but he has to throw it at my face? I don't understand this cruelty towards me.


This is happening in your house on your watch and you're letting it... 

I think you're asking yourself the wrong question... Why aren't you strangling him with the phone cord?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

well, it's his cell phone. There is no cord. I'd have to take the phone out of his hand and just beat him with it.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> well, it's his cell phone. There is no cord. I'd have to take the phone out of his hand and just beat him with it.


I could possibly look past my wife cheating, but in my presence, no way...


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

does it go against the 180 if I confront him on it though? Am I not supposed toa ct like I dont care? He's tried talking to me a little bit today, I've blown him off, answering with yes or no only. He offered to buy me ice cream, I said no. I'm trying to act as though I do not care one bit what he does, even if that means biting my tongue when he talks on the phone to the cootie queen.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I don't know how on Earth you have put up with all you have Apple.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

He was on the phone with the OW in your presence? OMG, where do you live? I'll be right over to kick his a-s.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> does it go against the 180 if I confront him on it though? Am I not supposed toa ct like I dont care? He's tried talking to me a little bit today, I've blown him off, answering with yes or no only. He offered to buy me ice cream, I said no. I'm trying to act as though I do not care one bit what he does, even if that means biting my tongue when he talks on the phone to the cootie queen.


I just reread the 180 for the thousandth time. I can't see how to apply it in this situation when you are being so blatantly disrespected! Does he KNOW that you can hear his conversation? Is he being intentionally hurtful? If so, maybe take this approach:
"_When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behaviour that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. 
_
Say something like "Now that we are separating, it is inevitable that you will be communicating with OW, but if you could do so out of my earshot while we are under the same roof, I would greatly appreciate it. I find you carrying on right in front of me disrespectful."
And then kick him in the balls . . .


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Apple 

How much more of this do you think you'll put up with?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I just need him out of my house.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I went on a fake date tonight. I didnt really go out, but I dressed up real purdy-like and made him think I was. (see my thread "I did something awesome") But now that I am home, I want my husband. I want him so bad. I want to lay in his arms. This 180 crap sucks. I long for him so bad.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> I went on a fake date tonight. I didnt really go out, but I dressed up real purdy-like and made him think I was. (see my thread "I did something awesome") But now that I am home, I want my husband. I want him so bad. I want to lay in his arms. This 180 crap sucks. I long for him so bad.


Feel your pain!! we were supposed to have family dinner tonight at a friend's place, and my H bailed. Made me SO SAD, but he said he had to do laundry at our house. Kids and I just arrived home a few minutes ago and H is here, Superman to my boys, and ALL I want is his attention! It's not like I can do a strip tease in front of the TV with the Bin Laden news on!!!!
FRickin' 180! Thank God I have my TAM friends to hang with . . .


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

LOL, yes, I agree. TAM has been a life saver! Each time I want my hubs, I come on here and read through some old threads or just talk. It's be so helpful in keeping my strength up. Tomorrow, I'm baking cookies for everyone.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

Tomorrow is my FREE night, and I once again don't know what to do. I have dinner plans, but from 2-7, and 10-7am, I'm living out of my car. It's not that I don't have anywhere to stay; I have a ton of friends, but hate to intrude; and the circumstances are so embarassing. And I am welcome to use my H's apt. when he is here with the kids, but it makes ME SO SAD!! I just hate it! PLUS, there is no wi-fi, so how:scratchhead: I do keep my sanity with out you all??

The next day, my H leaves on a biz trip until Sat. afternoon. He'll be wanting to see the kids on Sunday, but it's Mother's Day, and I OWN THAT! I'm looking for hotel deals in our area for Sat. night; a place with a pool and a brunch, and a good wine list!!!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Ok, so I blew the 180 last night. I completely blew it right out of the water. I did something I should NOT have done. I had sex with my hubs last night and it was ME who came onto him. I dont know why I did. Perhaps I was lonely? Perhaps it was because it had been so long since I last had sex, that I was horny as hell, perhaps I missed his touch, I really dont know why. Well, the sex was great but I did regret it. We laid there in bed together for awhile and I told him that I still planned on divorcing him, I told him he still had to move out, I told him this was just sex and I was moving on. But I also told him I loved him and he said I love you too. (we actually said I love you to each other several times last night) As we lay in bed, he talked about a bit about "her" He told me that she is still very much in love with this other guy, almost obsessive. He said that she is having a hard time dealing with this guy not returning her affection. He said that she had been so distraught over this guy and my emails to her asking her to leave my hubs alone, that she tried to kill herself a week ago. Now, I think he realizes this was only an attention-getter as her suicide attempt was very weak, only taking about 20 sleeping pills. And he is starting to think about her and her issues. (she is diagnosed bi-polar and she is to take meds for it but I do not know if she does) I think he is starting to realize that he is not sure he wants all her problems. But I also think he is afraid to "dump her" for fear of what she may do to herself. I kinda got a bit b*tchy with him about her, telling him that all the attention he has been giving her has been very unfair to me as that attention belonged to me and not her. I told him I saw what he wrote to her on her myspace and asked why he was not that way with me. At that point, he kissed me and left the room. I then went to sleep. This morning I apologized to him for coming onto him for sex last night. I said I regretted it. He asked me why. I said because now I had to start over all over again, that any progress I had made in "moving on" was now gone. But, I never did tell him I never actually had a date. I played it off as if I really did go out on a date. That, he can still wonder about.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> This morning I apologized to him for coming onto him for sex last night. I said I regretted it. He asked me why. I said because now I had to start over all over again, that any progress I had made in "moving on" was now gone. But, I never did tell him I never actually had a date. I played it off as if I really did go out on a date. That, he can still wonder about.


Do you really regret it? We are human, and he IS YOUR husband. I would have said "Sorry if I lead you on. I guess my date got me a little worked up. Thanks for taking care of my needs."

At least that's what I would say if my H would have sex with me! He tried a couple weeks ago, but he was VERY drunk, and I knew it wasn't going to be worth the effort or emotional upheaval, so i showed him to the door. I was hoping for a little action last Friday when we had our date-night, but the evening was a disaster.

Anyway, I wouldn't freak too much about your 180 set-back. It's all how you perceive yourself and what you did, and staying consistent in you attitude, even if not your actions. Again, he is YOUR husband!

Oh, and that suicide ploy is text-book. Seen it with a couple OW's in my friends' Hs' pasts.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> He told me that she is still very much in love with this other guy, almost obsessive. *He said that she is having a hard time dealing with this guy not returning her affection. *



Funny. You're having the same problem.

Apple, he has no respect for you and you're rewarding him with sex. Riddle me that...

And you shouldn't apologize to him. He should be the one on hands and knees aplogizing to you.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Apple, write down all the crappy things he's done to you and read it each morning. Then detach from this guy! Tell yourself, you do not want this man. You don't. You really really don't.

It takes awhile to get to this place. I struggle with it. But this man that is still my husband is not the man I married. At all. And I don't want him. He has no place in my life. 

I WILL NOT BE SECOND BEST!


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> Apple, write down all the crappy things he's done to you and read it each morning. Then detach from this guy! Tell yourself, you do not want this man. You don't. You really really don't.
> 
> It takes awhile to get to this place. I struggle with it. But this man that is still my husband is not the man I married. At all. And I don't want him. He has no place in my life.
> 
> I WILL NOT BE SECOND BEST!


Good Girl, Lonely!


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Apple, can a vibrator solve your problems for a lil' bit? Lol. You won't have to apologize to it in the morning and you can ask it anything you want and it won't just kiss you and leave the room...well, I guess it COULD leave the room if you left it on and it buzzed and vibrated itself out the door but it would take a very long time. Lol.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Ha ha ha that is funny, KathyGriffinFan. I already got a few of those, lol. Sometimes you need a man though, ya know? I dont know what to do now. I blew everything out if the water. All the progress I had made over the past 2 weeks, gone. Can I start the 180 over or is it too late now? I'm hoping that he will soon realize that this ow is very unstable and he will dump her on her head. I spoke with a lawyer again today. I liked him. He is older and has 45 years experience in law. I need a thousand dollars to hire him. I have purebred champion bloodline boxer puppies for sale, a thousand dollars each if anyone wants a boxer puppy and that will give me the money I need to hire the lawyer.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> Apple, write down all the crappy things he's done to you and read it each morning. Then detach from this guy! Tell yourself, you do not want this man. You don't. You really really don't.
> 
> It takes awhile to get to this place. I struggle with it. But this man that is still my husband is not the man I married. At all. And I don't want him. He has no place in my life.
> 
> I WILL NOT BE SECOND BEST!


I think it will be easier once he moves out. He was supposed to move out this weekend but he said the place he was looking at, was rented, so now he is looking for something again and dont know when he will be out. *sigh* I told him he needed to go, that I could no longer stand to watch him "tend to her problems" and "run off to be with her", that it was just too painful for me. He said he understood and he is trying to get out fast as he can. A part of me hopes he will come around and want to make things right with me but another part of does not care anymore. Being around him is hard. I still love him very much, I still desire him very much. But I need to be away from him. NC at all.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

he called me on his way home from work to say he would swing by to change clothes. he is here now. I'm in the bedroom with the door closed but I can still hear him getting ready. Once again, tonight, another woman wins over me.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Can you say - itching powder in his shorts or cayenne pepper??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I know my hub loves me. He still tells me that but what does she offer to him that I dont? What is so appealing about her?


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

AppleDucklings said:


> I know my hub loves me. He still tells me that but what does she offer to him that I dont? What is so appealing about her?


That's the rub dear AD! He loves you but is still looking for something else. Odds are he is cake eating - getting some needs filled by you and some by the OW. 

Start using those powers of deduction to good use. Think back to when you were dating. What did you do that made him feel good?? 

Think about it and then compare it to how things have gone on for past few years. 

Have you read His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley or 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman? If not then see if you can get them. I borrowed both from my local library. 

My wife noticed me reading them and laughed at me and refused to participate. So what I said to myself - I read them and worked on identifying what her needs are now and then started Pplying what I learned to meet those needs. It's working so far for me! My wife was ready to walk away in 2009-2010. We are on a steady road to recovery now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I tried the love languages, and all it got me was him thinking I was just trying to win him back to trap him in the marriage, aka manipulation, now I sit here alone forced to ask him to choose me or her, now he's over at his sisters house and says we are done, I don't know what to do besides going dark, I know what to do for me, just don't know what the next step to take in saving my marriage.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Repeat after me, Apple. "I DO NOT WANT HIM." Say it over and over again. I was in your shoes, and now I'm stepping out. It feels good, empowering. You can do this!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I woke up this morning and was hit with a wave of depression. I lay in bed staring at the empty space where he should be. I feel so awful. I miss him so much. I just want my husband. I want him with me. He does not belong to her, he does not belong with her. I wish he would move out. Having him in my house is so hard.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Apple, you need to find your self-respect and fast. 

What is is that you DO love about him? The way he treats you? The fact that he's cheating on you openly? 



AppleDucklings said:


> Once again, tonight, another woman wins over me.


What has she won? A man who cheats on his family and wife? A man who just slept with you yesterday? And he sleeps with her too? What is the prize there? He is a man-child. A coward. What is it you think that she is "winning?" A liar? 



AppleDucklings said:


> I know my hub loves me.


Does he? Would you treat someone you loved the way he is treating you? Would you treat a friend the way he treats you? My guess is, you wouldn't. 

Of the threads I've seen on here, your husband's cake-eating is one of the worst. He just spent nights in a hotel with her last week, he even told her it was ok for her her to come to YOUR MARITAL HOME and wait in YOUR driveway while he got ready to meet with her and drive off into the night to carry on their affair. He took your children to meet with her just a few days ago in a park, he had gone on dates with her, slept with her all this time. 

Is that truly loving? And then you stood your ground finally and then slept with him last night. That doesn't make sense. Life is great for him right now. He gets to do what he wants/when he wants when zero consequence for his actions. You are basically telling him, "You can do whatever you want to me, sleep with someone else, have her waiting for you at OUR marital home, going on dates with her, spending time with her and taking our children, spending nights with her and waffling on finding a place to live and I am totally 100% ok with that. You can do wahtever you want and I will still be here for you to sleep with cause no matter how badly you treat me I am always going to be here for you." That is what you tell him by your actions. Sure, you tell him you're not down with this but then you go back on that by your actions.

If you don't respect yourself, no one else will. 

You know you deserve better than how you're being treated. So start showing it.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I took my self respect back, his things are gone, I said I love you one last time, now it's in his court. I won't be the one to end it, marriage is very important to me, but he has to be the one to end it, end it with her, come to me to commit, end the marriage, end our love, our story was pretty epic. I laid there too, very sad, I am very sad now, but to finally have him come and get his things felt kind of good. Now the NC begins. My God he let his fog overtake him again, is that normal? Saying he can't take pressure and **** like that?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Apple, you need to find your self-respect and fast.
> 
> What is is that you DO love about him? The way he treats you? The fact that he's cheating on you openly?
> 
> ...


Thank you Jellybeans for this. I have read and reread and read it again. The first question you asked me to ask myself "What do I love about him?" Really stood out at me. What is it exactly that I love about him? I know I love him and I have always said that I do but I dont think I have ever asked myself what I love about him. And......I dont know.....wow, that's difficult. I dont know if I love anything about him. He is evil. He treats me like crap, he runs around on me, he emotionally abuses me. This is a good question, Jellybeans and I am glad you asked it. It has forced me to look at something I never did before. I always knew I loved him but I never asked myself what I loved about him and since I cannot figure one thing I love about him, I need to look at myself. What is it about me that does not want to let this go?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You're holding onto a fantasy. A phantom. Who he was, not who he is now.

And him living with you is no doubt complicating this. When is he moving out? Tell him he needs to GTFO.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> You're holding onto a fantasy. A phantom. Who he was, not who he is now.
> 
> And him living with you is no doubt complicating this. When is he moving out? Tell him he needs to GTFO.


I dont know when he is going. He was supposed to go this weekend but then he told me that the place he was looking at, was rented. Now he's looking again.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

New here. Read everything. My question is, why aren't you in therapy Appleducklings? He's cheated on you your entire relationship. And you say he loves you? What backs up that belief? How can you not hate him to the core for what he's done to you? He's a bad, bad person. He doesn't have a soul. You're his fall-back each and every time. And if he stays, which is likely he will do, I'm afraid to say, it is only a matter of time before he does it again. It isn't an "if" it is a "when" and you'll be right back here.

The question someone asked about what you used to do when you were dating isn't helping you. He cheated before you got married. No matter what you do or don't do, he's going to cheat. It is the way he is built. And if you don't want to be cheated on, don't stay with a cheater. You are worth so much more than this. I cannot imagine what you've suffered. But I can see the damage it has done to you.

Please find a therapist and uncover the reason you've stayed with him when all he has done is beat you into the ground and show you you are not good enough (so he can keep you in backup position). He couldn't be a bigger abuser or liar if he tried. He's gotten you convinced that if you can win his love, you'll be good enough and that you have to keep trying or else what? You'll never be good enough? Honey, it is HIM that's not good enough for you. 

Therapy. Lots of it. And now. If you deserve any gift right now (apart from a divorce that really sticks it to him big time), it is the gift of therapy, to steal a book title.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I dont know whats wrong with me. I dont know why I would want this man and I dont know why I would still be willing to be with him after everything.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

because we are people with a high capability to love....


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

We always talk about how our DS's are in a fog. What about us? Are we in our own fog?


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AppleDucklings said:


> We always talk about how our DS's are in a fog. What about us? Are we in our own fog?



Very much so. Your fog is covered in the good moments and loving feelings that your marriage once contained. 

The reason I think _you_ are in such a thick fog is because your husband conditioned you to believe he was perfect and every bad thing that happened was your fault. Years of emotional abuse can't be fixed over night. For your sake, I hope he leaves soon.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

sort of....the one of wanting to work everything out and do what is right.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

paramore said:


> because we are people with a high capability to love....



Are you sure love is the reason? The other question is, to love who? Certainly not yourself, unless you think about staying as protecting against fear of the unknown or being alone. Is it actual love or fear? And is it wanting THEM to save you by finally loving you so you don't have to do it yourself?

I don't know the answer but I just don't believe that love is what makes you stay.

They say when you get layed off that you end up happier when you find a new position if you had already stayed in the old one too long. The layoff forces you to do what you should have done anyway if you weren't so married to the known. Fear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes I agree BS' can be in a fog. The fog of wanting to believe this isn't happening, that their spouse wouldn't cheat, etc.

In the casese where one spouse has moved out and said they want out or are moving out and are done and are carrying on with the affair---the BS who believes they'll change and waits for them is in a fog also sine they won't believe their words and take them at face value.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I don't want to be that person that takes them at face value again, been there done that.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> Very much so. Your fog is covered in the good moments and loving feelings that your marriage once contained.
> 
> The reason I think _you_ are in such a thick fog is because your husband conditioned you to believe he was perfect and every bad thing that happened was your fault. Years of emotional abuse can't be fixed over night. For your sake, I hope he leaves soon.


I hope so too. It's so stressful with him around. I keep asking him to leave and all he says is "I'm working on it" And because he is not physically violent with me, I have no legal gronds to remove him from the house. And I cannot leave the home myself.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> I dont know whats wrong with me. I dont know why I would want this man and I dont know why I would still be willing to be with him after everything.


Be brave enough to find out. Put your thoughts there and stop questioning his behavior. You can only fix you. If you are strong enough to survive abuse your strong enough to do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I questioned the latest behavior all last night and part of this morning, and I said enough, I don't understand, and he can't get me to understand.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> Are you sure love is the reason? The other question is, to love who? Certainly not yourself, unless you think about staying as protecting against fear of the unknown or being alone. Is it actual love or fear? And is it wanting THEM to save you by finally loving you so you don't have to do it yourself?
> 
> I don't know the answer but I just don't believe that love is what makes you stay.
> 
> ...


I am afraid. I dont know whats out there. Ive been with him since I was 19 years old. I'm 34 now. He's all I've ever known. I grew up with a mother who I was never good enough for, I'm not good enough for my husband. I just dont have any reason to believe that I could ever be good enough. 34 years worth of never being good enough does drain a person.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I know the feeling girl.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

you are still very young. So much life and opportunity ahead. It is up to you to grab it.

Do you actually agree with your mom and that scum of a husband? If you don't, prove it. You'll see it will draw the right people to you.

Is there an opportunity for therapy? Some companies will give you 5 or 6 free sessions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

No, I know I am a good person. I have good friends. I'm smart, I'm honest and loyal. I never cheated once on my husband during our marriage. I would make someone a very good wife. It's just too bad that the one I made my vows to, did not see me for what I am worth.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> No, I know I am a good person. I have good friends. I'm smart, I'm honest and loyal. I never cheated once on my husband during our marriage. I would make someone a very good wife. It's just too bad that the one I made my vows to, did not see me for what I am worth.


Or is it a shame that you saw more in him than he is worth?

Or is it a shame that you never saw in yourself your own value?

This part is on you. If you can wake up to that part of the equation, you can do something to alter your future. And you do want a better future, right?

So what are you going to do today that has nothing to do with him that will bolster your self-confidence? Exercise? Take a course? Join a club? Go back to church? What does Apple want out of life?

Today someone mentioned that it is easier to say what you don't want than to figure out what you do want. Something to think about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> Or is it a shame that you saw more in him than he is worth?
> 
> Or is it a shame that you never saw in yourself your own value?
> 
> ...


I am working on my future. I just graduated college with my associates in law degree. I graduated with honors too. I'm now working on my bachelor's degree. I am focused on losing weight. I've lost 20lbs so far. I would like to find a local divorce support group though. I think that would be good.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> I am working on my future. I just graduated college with my associates in law degree. I graduated with honors too. I'm now working on my bachelor's degree. I am focused on losing weight. I've lost 20lbs so far. I would like to find a local divorce support group though. I think that would be good.



I guess the divorce group will be good. But maybe it will keep you stuck in the mire of this relationship. 

You keep dodging the therapy question.

Congrats on your degree! Is it brick and mortar or online? Brick and mortars often provide free or low cost services.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I think therapy would be a good idea. I will be looking into that. And I go to an actual university. I also work for the university where I attend classes.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

Support groups are often monitered by a therapist. At least my Seperation/Divorce group is. Well hes a Pastor/Therapist. and its free so that helps. I find it helps just having people you can talk to.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I just spoke to my counselers office today, they do have a sliding pay scale, since I have no insurance right now, damn right I am gonna hit that ****.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Lilyana said:


> Support groups are often monitered by a therapist. At least my Seperation/Divorce group is. Well hes a Pastor/Therapist. and its free so that helps. I find it helps just having people you can talk to.


Since I've never been... do you rehash the cheating bastard's behaviour or what your role was in the situation? Or is it about grieving or about all of it?

Just seems to me that individual therapy would be focused on Apple and not time shared with others. For commiseration you have this place. It took years for Apple to get so beaten down. She deserves some 100% focus on her for once. Someone giving her undivided attention. It will also be easier to talk about background issues that contributed to why she is how she is.

I get the sense that Apple is afraid of individual therapy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

she is incredibly busy LOL


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

All I ever wanted was my family. All I ever wanted was to be wanted. I made my family my life and now all that is being taken away from me, so of course I want to fight for it. It's my family. They are worth it to me. Clipclop, I did take your advice and I found a therapist who would do a sliding scale fee an I set up an appointment for IC. I also found a divorce support group in my local rea too.


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

This guy, what he's doing to you, is just plain awful.

I hope he leaves the house soon.

From what I've read on here, there are some stories of women who have forgiven their husbands cheating, whether that be EA/PA, repeatedly...only to avoid the inevitable. Divorce. They only succeeded in prolonging the situation but it did not save the marriage. Some men, and women, just don't want to be in that particular marriage. It is an awful thing to do to your partner, but if they allow it to happen over and over again, the offending spouse will continue their behavior.

Don't waste years of your life on this guy, just to avoid the inevitable. You'll only wish that you had those years back.

While I realize that you said that you know your husband does love you, I'd have to say that yours is one of the more difficult situations on this board.
I have no idea what pain you most be going through, as I've only experienced the EA portion of it, my H never went physical.
With that being said, it must be hard, but I know it will be only be harder for you if you keep clinging to this dysfunctional relationship that is anything but a marriage.

I hope you start to begin to let go and accept what is going on. You will never understand it, that goes without saying, but at some point, you're going to have to accept it as reality and begin to let go and move on. 

Good luck Apple.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Your family is not being taken away from you. This scum of the Earth is leaving your family. He is losing it. You are unloading the garbage.

BTW, did you use a condom the other night? If not.... std check time.

How many times has it been that he has put you at risk? This is your life as well as your mental well-being we are talking about.

Do not tell me he loves you. That isn't love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I do get some one on one time in my group sessions.. but just having a support system helps.. as I have NO ONE to really lean on here. I mean I have friends, but they have their own stuff going on. Most of the people in support group are going through something simular and can relate. It has been monumentally helpful for me.

We work on Motivation, self confidence and a whole plethra of other things. I have found it extremely benificial and would recommend it to anyone. 

I would also recommend IC .. as I do that myself as well, to focus on my own personal issues and not everyones as a whole.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Lilyana said:


> I do get some one on one time in my group sessions.. but just having a support system helps.. as I have NO ONE to really lean on here. I mean I have friends, but they have their own stuff going on. Most of the people in support group are going through something simular and can relate. It has been monumentally helpful for me.
> 
> We work on Motivation, self confidence and a whole plethra of other things. I have found it extremely benificial and would recommend it to anyone.
> 
> I would also recommend IC .. as I do that myself as well, to focus on my own personal issues and not everyones as a whole.


Well, you know, Lily, if you didnt live on the wrong side of the state, we could hang out! LOL


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> All I ever wanted was my family. All I ever wanted was to be wanted. I made my family my life and now all that is being taken away from me, so of course I want to fight for it. It's my family. They are worth it to me.


You were doing your job! You were loving your family! You didn't know the wheels were coming off; how could you? He didn't tell you! My H didn't tell me . . . he told me he loved me, that things would get better, that I was the best wife and mother in the world. So sad, I believed him.


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