# How much of an explanation do you owe?



## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

How much of an explanation do you think you owe your partner when you leave? How specific do you need to be? Should you give examples of things you are unhappy with, or explain why you feel the way you do? Or is it simply enough to say you are unhappy and you are leaving?

Obviously it would depend on how long you had been together and how serious your relationship is.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

If I was getting lefted behind then, I would want to know the reasons why. Tell me the entire truth. Don't spare my feelings, you have already put me in pain.

I want to know everything. Maybe, it will be an eye opener and I would learn from it. Or, it would paint you in new light that makes me say,"thank God, he is leaving. Hurry up and get the freak out".


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Joey2k said:


> How much of an explanation do you think you owe your partner when you leave? How specific do you need to be? Should you give examples of things you are unhappy with, or explain why you feel the way you do? Or is it simply enough to say you are unhappy and you are leaving?
> 
> Obviously it would depend on how long you had been together and how serious your relationship is.


If you are leaving and your partner doesn't know why, then you shouldn't be leaving. You should have communicated your issues long before leaving. 

If you have talked about your feelings many times and nothing has changed to make thing better, then telling them again when leaving doesn't really solve anything. They will know why.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

You should bring up things you're unhappy with before you leave, not when you're leaving. You should communicate and share your disappointments, and try to resolve them together.

Then after that, if they aren't interested in what makes you happy or unhappy, then you can consider leaving.


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Joey2k said:


> How much of an explanation do you think you owe your partner when you leave? How specific do you need to be? Should you give examples of things you are unhappy with, or explain why you feel the way you do? Or is it simply enough to say you are unhappy and you are leaving?
> 
> Obviously it would depend on how long you had been together and how serious your relationship is.


It depends. Within reason of course, I think the more information the better, if communicated responsibly and calmly, especially if a partner has bad habits that could impact their future relationships and you truly do just want to help them out but you know this relationship is not for you. 

My story is pure garbage and a good example and what-not-to-do. I came home one day to find a 12 page letter on the table and all my ex-wives stuff gone. It was the most heart breaking letter I ever read. I wish she never wrote it. I still think about it sometimes. It destroyed my self-esteem for a few months. And it wasn't that she was providing too much information, it's that she is/was a writer and most of it was just refined emotional vomit, projected HER insecurities onto me. All she had to say was that she was unhappy and things didn't turn out the way she predicted. If you are a whole person and truly love someone, you will seek for them to be happy and nothing else needs to be said. This often doesn't occur though, as typical human ego and fear get in the way. People get possessive and jealous.

Just be direct, gentle but don't be cruel or mean.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Before you leave, I think you should give your partner all the information / explanations possible to give them a chance to improve things.

Once you have decided for sure to leave, I think you can just tell them that you are not happy. There is no point in trying to assign blame or causes - nothing to be gained.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I am of two minds on this question. I was left but never told why. 
Had she told me I don't think I would have understood anyways. I was simply too devastated. It wouldn't have made any sense. It has taken me over a year to make sense of it all.
She didn't tell me and all I ever got was cryptic references to "long standing issues" or "long term problems" from my children. It still didn't make sense.
So could she have explained herself to me? I doubt it. In my mind (at the time) she had every reason to be happy and satisfied, after all I was doing the best that I knew how. Ironically enough prior to her leaving those were nearly her exact words to me whenever I expressed my dissatisfaction " I am doing the best I can and if you don't like it I am leaving" So in some way she did tell me, I just didn't process it.
The fact is that whether you are given an explanation or left hanging, in the end it is still up to you to figure it out. Pragmaster had a 12 page letter, I had nothing. Both of us had our self esteem crushed. 
Nobody owes you anything and actions speak louder than words. Your SO left, that is an action. The words don't matter. Take the pain regardless of whether it is from being told or not and use it to grow. Make your self a better person. Embrace your pain and learn from it, that is purpose it serves. Do not hide from it. Do not run from it. Do not medicate it away. Do not drink yourself stupid. Dive into the pain, take it apart and find what you need to fix.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Joey2K,

Just tell the truth it's the easiest to remember. 

It's also the best thing to be able to tell your next GF or W, you don't want to start out your next relationship on a lie. You'll be able to tell Mrs Next, "I was completely honest with my ex about why I left", at least you won't be telling Mrs Next things you did not share with your Mrs Ex. 

It's cruel when we confess to everyone except those that we've harmed. Don't leave her with questions which may haunt her for the rest of her life.

Tamat


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