# At a crossroads, would love advice



## rroy (Jan 23, 2014)

Hey everyone, I've been lurking around for about a week desperately trying to gleam any and all advice from the fantastic folks in this community.

I am currently at a crossroads in this crazy part of my life (sorry for the length):

About a month ago, my wife (married for 10 months, together for 5 years) came to me upset, I needed to be more aggressive sexually. She was not feeling sexually desired and she was "fed up". 

Over the course of a few weeks I attempt to "chase" my wife, grabbing her from behind in the kitchen, kissing her neck, etc. Always the same result: she pulls away from me. During the course of this time she also acts strangely nice to me, saying we should watch *my* kind of movies, we should put on the hockey game (things we rarely did during *couple* time).

A week ago, she does the *pull away* from me thing 1 too many times, and I get mad. I tell her to sleep on the couch if she's going to be like this, etc. She says she's been in a weird "mood" lately and needs time to "think". She leaves to sleep at a hotel.

She ends up coming home 3 days later, and tells me "she loves me but doesn't think she's in love with me". I'm in shock, simply don't understand. I want to fix everything, I clean the house, I buy her flowers (you know the story...).

But a thought is nagging in my mind: she has a guy friend at work... a guy friend she's gone skating with. Has something been developing there? She's always had guy friends, and been on coffee dates with them, and I've never had a reason to not trust her. Low and behold, I look at her phone when she's distracted...

Messages from him. She's telling him they have to stop their relationship. He's acting all mussy, talking about how hard it will be to "never kiss her again". Hand shaking, I drop the phone back on the table. I start pacing, what did I just read? I take a picture of the evidence, and yell at her, asking if "she has anything to tell me?", she acts like I'm crazy, and I just leave.

------

I stay at a motel, book a therapist appointment, and email her telling her that I have evidence that there's an inappropriate relationship between her and her workmate, and I'm gone until she explains whats going on.

------

That brings us to today: 

We meet at the therapists office, first time seeing her in 4 days, she reveals:

- Emotional affair with man from work
- When she left for the hotel, she invited him out for dinner, drank wine and kissed him (the one time, no other physical contact has ever happened)
- When asked how she feels: "apathetic" she says
- When asked if she regrets it: "no"
- When I tell her she's betrayed me, and did something morally wrong, she fights back. 
- She brings up lack of sex in our relationship, as if that excuses it
- Lots of blame and deflection
- She says she doesn't know if she even wants to repair the marriage at this point

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All sorts of emotions are running through me. I am absolutely outraged at her lack of understanding, and lack of remorse. Why should I fight to save a marriage with someone seemingly so uncaring?

Another side of me says she's not herself, she needs time, I shouldn't believe anything that comes out of her mouth.


I would love to hear feedback from women and men who've experienced similar circumstances. I plan to implement the 180, if I do return home (tentatively tomorrow) I am making plans to spend as little time around her as possible.

She agreed to return to the therapist with me in a week's time.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Well good news is, if you are a lurker, you know the typical script. 

Pull the 180, ignore her, and better yourself. 

And be prepared for a lot of unpleasant things. 
Like, finding out she had a physical affair, not just emotional. 
Her bad mouthing you to her family and friends. 
People taking her side because you're the big mean husband that is selfish and controlling. 


As for what to do right now?
CALL A LAWYER!!!
You have only been married for 10 months. 
TRY TO ANNUL YOUR MARRIAGE!!! This will help you immensely. No alimony, no split, just annul!!! 
And don't put this off. Everyday you put this off, you risk having to pay alimony and split everything you've acquired. Think that through. Everyday you put this off you are gambling with 50% of everything you have worked your whole life to get. 

Your marriage is also very young. You two should still be in the honeymoon period!
Most guys that are here, that have cheating wives, have been with them for years and years. I was married for 3 years so I was one of the younger ones(together for 5), most other guys had marriages much longer than mine. With kids, and everything like that. 
You don't! Your wife has already shown her colors after 10 months of marriage! You need to get out NOW!!! 


If you want to go home tomorrow, go home AFTER you visit a lawyer's office. Then go home with that in hand. That will send some shock into her. 

If you want to stay with your wife, you can. Divorce doesn't mean you two can't stay together. I divorced my XW, but I got back together with her after a year of being apart.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Pay close attention, rroy. These guys know what they're talking about. Sounds like your lady has pretty much checked out of your relationship. Depending on how much you love her and are willing to work with her on this, you may be able to rescue your marriage. But, she doesn't sound a bit hopeful. Prepare yourself for a very bumpy ride and the fact that your time together may be over. I'm sorry you're here. The folks here will try and help you as much as they can. Most have had a lot more experience in this than I have.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Like Juicer said try to get this annulled and if she is still seeing her coworker seeing the therapist is a waste of money.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Sadly Dawg, she's lost romantic interest in you. Her statement that she's apathetic is an understatement. Telling you to get lost would be more in line with her thinking and I expect that's coming. You can try the 180 or other methods to recover but the odds are at least 3:1 against you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

We have actually heard the meet at the hotel and only kissed quite a few times. They screwed like pornstars, count on it.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, how often were you having sex?


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## rroy (Jan 23, 2014)

Juicer said:


> Well good news is, if you are a lurker, you know the typical script.
> 
> Pull the 180, ignore her, and better yourself.
> 
> ...





tom67 said:


> Like Juicer said try to get this annulled and if she is still seeing her coworker seeing the therapist is a waste of money.


I'm in Canada, and based on my 5 minutes of research I just did: Things work differently up in these parts.

Annulment seems to only be valid if the ceremony was done incorrectly, so that's a no-go. Divorce is "no-fault" in Canada, so adultery, while a valid reason for divorce, won't change the splitting of assets (so it seems).

Also, another wrinkle: you cannot apply for divorce until 1 year of separation.

Appreciate the feedback though. I'm not really worried about splitting our assets, we are both young and make the same amount of income. We own a house together and, generally, have put the same amount of money into the our assets.

To be honest, the only thing I care about is our dog.


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## rroy (Jan 23, 2014)

tom67 said:


> Like Juicer said try to get this annulled and if she is still seeing her coworker seeing the therapist is a waste of money.


She says she hasn't / won't be talking to him in person anymore "out of respect for me", but refused to cut off 100% contact. As he's her only friend at work.

Therapist backed her up, saying that since she's so unhopeful about our relationship, I didn't have the right to ask that she cut off 100%.


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## rroy (Jan 23, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> We have actually heard the meet at the hotel and only kissed quite a few times. They screwed like pornstars, count on it.


That would be unfortunate. From the conversation, she indicated they kissed at dinner and that was the end of it. 

I completely accept that she could be lying through her teeth.


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## rroy (Jan 23, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> Btw, how often were you having sex?


In good times, once a week. Sometimes we might go a week and a half without.

Regardless what happens next, I plan to see a doctor and get in better shape to improve my sex life. She met me @ 165 lb, and I went up to 190 over the 5 years.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

rroy said:


> She says she hasn't / won't be talking to him in person anymore "out of respect for me", but refused to cut off 100% contact. As he's her only friend at work.
> 
> *Therapist backed her up, saying that since she's so unhopeful about our relationship, I didn't have the right to ask that she cut off 100%*.


Her therapist is an idiot!


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Ok, first off, that therapist is an idiot. And he is lucky I am not his patient. Because I am not known for my cool, calm, and collected actions...

Second, DO NOT GO HOME!!!
Also, your 5 minutes of research, while sad because that doesn't look hopeful for your situation, doesn't mean you are out of options. That is why you go to a lawyer. Because they spend 6+ years studying the law to learn if you can get out of marriage. 
So hopefully you can get out. But like I tell people, hope for the best, plan/prepare for the worst. 

But based on your current, DO NOT GO HOME REGARDLESS!
Stay out, and stay away. Mark down the date/time you left, that way you have documentation of when you left. 
And start doing everything we tell you to do. 
Go to the gym, eat better, work more, get in better shape, etc. Get an apartment. Move out of that motel, because that will get expensive.


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## rroy (Jan 23, 2014)

NeverMore said:


> Her therapist is an idiot!


Yeah I was quite taken aback by that. Who am *I* to ask that she stops talking to this dude?

But to be fair, I believe the therapist was trying to calm the situation down as she was getting very defensive. 

The therapist said that I could "push the situation further, but we can see where this is heading if you push". Basically saying "Hey it looks like if she's pushed to make up her mind this second, she's going to go with the door...".

She also told my wife that this talk may be "the depression talking", as my wife is prone to depression and she admitted she was feeling depressed today.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

rroy said:


> She also told my wife that this talk may be "the depression talking", as my wife is prone to depression and she admitted she was feeling depressed today.


You know, I am tired of people using depression as a reason to have affairs. 

I understand depression as a clinical term and psychological state.
My therapist told me I was depressed. I used alcohol and steroids to deal with it for a long time. 
I know guys that are depressed. I would bet the #1 way to deal with it is alcohol. 

I refuse to buy depression as a reason for cheating. Cheating is a choice. A stupid choice that stupid people make.


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## rroy (Jan 23, 2014)

Juicer said:


> You know, I am tired of people using depression as a reason to have affairs.
> 
> I understand depression as a clinical term and psychological state.
> My therapist told me I was depressed. I used alcohol and steroids to deal with it for a long time.
> ...


Yup. No excuses. I'm 100% with you.

I'm pretty close to just grabbing the dog and staying with family. I'll need to sleep on it before I decide how to proceed, but Motels sure do add up.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

rroy said:


> Yup. No excuses. I'm 100% with you.
> 
> I'm pretty close to just grabbing the dog and staying with family. I'll need to sleep on it before I decide how to proceed, but Motels sure do add up.


Ok, this is what I did one time. It really helped me figure out what I wanted to do. 

Now I was also quite a bit further out of learning of the XW's affair. 

But I went to a cheap motel, with a pad of paper, turned my phone off, and made sure no one would bother me. Then I started writing. 
What I wanted. Both material, and other. For example, I wrote down I wanted a new leather chair in my office at home, and that I wanted to keep up with my drawing. 
I also wrote down where I wanted to be in 1 year. 5 years. 10 years. 15 years. 20 years. Emotionally, physically, financially, everything. 
Then I wrote down how I will achieve these goals. This gives me a timetable, and plan on how to reach these plans. 
And you just keep doing that. Might only take you 2 hours. Might take you all night. The point is you write out a plan for your life. 

I would suggest doing that, and changing it as you want to. For example, since you are freshly betrayed, I imagine you'll write down "In 20 years I want to be 20 years free of women." But that will probably change in about 5 months. (Or maybe even 5 days depending on your hormones) 

Then tomorrow, go to your house, and get your dog. Preferably when your wife is not there. And take the dog to your parents. Then go to a lawyer. Figure out your options. 
Then factor those options into your yearly plans. For example, if you wrote down; In 1 year, I want to be divorced, but you learn you have to be separated for 1 year to even consider divorce, then you'll need to change that. 
And go from there. 

And lastly, you'll start having a lot of free time. If you have kids, spend it with them. If you don't, spend your free time with your friends. 
If they are busy, find an old hobby you use to do. 
I use to draw a bunch, but as my work picked up, I forgot about it. After my DDay, I got back into it, and I still do draw. 
Find something that you enjoy. Because chances are, you can now spend all that time you were spending trying to figure out your wife, on yourself.


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## rroy (Jan 23, 2014)

Juicer said:


> Ok, this is what I did one time. It really helped me figure out what I wanted to do.
> 
> Now I was also quite a bit further out of learning of the XW's affair.
> 
> ...


Great advice. No kids, only 27.

I'm still kind of in shock... things are moving fast. Has anyone been at this point and reconciled? Is her behaviour the sign of someone who's 100% gone, or is she in the "fog" (I believe that's what it's referred to).


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

rroy said:


> Yeah I was quite taken aback by that. Who am *I* to ask that she stops talking to this dude?
> 
> But to be fair, I believe the therapist was trying to calm the situation down as she was getting very defensive.
> 
> ...


She met a GUY AT work, went skating with him, met dude at a hotel, had drinks, kissed and YOU could push it further by asking for no contact? I know your mind is racing, you are confused, but take a step back, clam down a bit and say what you just typed out loud. Then ask yourself if it really makes any sense LOGICALLY.

Quit excusing your therapist during this troubled time, this is not a way to diffuse a situation.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *by rroy*
> Why should I fight to save a marriage with someone seemingly so uncaring?
> 
> Another side of me says she's not herself, she needs time, I shouldn't believe anything that comes out of her mouth.


She is in a fog
*The best thing that you can do is to BUILD yourself up in body, mind, emotions, and spirit. In other words concentrate on ONLY YOU!!!! * Secondly, you need to make sure that you allow and promote appropriate consequences for your wife. She has rejected you in the worst way and you need to make sure that she gets NONE of you. None of what you have contributed to her life. There is nothing to talk about at this time as only ACTIONS by her to prove a real R is what will maybe change things.
*Sometimes consequences can shock the fog person into starting to see reality*



I know that you are shocked and want to get her out of the fog but you can only allow her to suffer her consequences to help her. She is going to counseling and if she gets a good counselor they should be able to guide her and lean her in the right direction but your wife is the only one that can make the big changes.

If you work on you getting better then that is a win-win. Even if you and she never get back together you will be much better off when you are stronger and able to take the pain much better. If she comes out of the fog and you decide that you want her back then you being stronger will help the R much more.

*If you give all your effort in trying to get her out of the fog you maybe become 5% effective. If you work on only you can be 90-100% effective*


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Chaparral said:


> We have actually heard the meet at the hotel and only kissed quite a few times. They screwed like pornstars, count on it.


:iagree:

IKR? It's incredible the number of stories where the cheaters meet up at a hotel and...just kiss. :rofl:

Who does that except kids? Adults have sex. They have been having sex for quite a while.

Is OM married? Expose this affair to his wife/girlfriend yesterday.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Expose her at her work place.

Is this guy married?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Is OM married? Expose this affair to his wife/girlfriend yesterday.

This is like the standard cheater script. You got the ILYBINILWY speech.

The next thing she will want is to have a trial separation so she can bang her OM without any interference from you.

Your therapist should be SO FIRED. She is enabling your WW's affair. Therapists are a dime a dozen. Many do not know how to deal with infidelity. Find one who can.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

rroy said:


> She says she hasn't / won't be talking to him in person anymore "out of respect for me", but refused to cut off 100% contact. As he's her only friend at work.
> 
> Therapist backed her up, saying that since she's so unhopeful about our relationship, I didn't have the right to ask that she cut off 100%.


That is just so full of crap! Makes me sick! Therapist is a [email protected][email protected]

You are her husband. You have every right! If she doesn't want to do it. Kick her out. File for D and be done with her!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Sounds like she had sex with him.

Sorry you are in this situation.

Hit the gym. Eat right. You need to shed those extra pounds.

Keep posting.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Only married 10 months??
2 years is the honeymoon part of the marriage. She should be crazy mad in love with you and thinking of nothing else.
A wandering eye at this stage means your marriage was a misfire and maybe never should have been. She certainly wasn't into it.
Run Forrest, run!!!
Oh yeah, talk to a good lawyer about annulments. I think you heard wrong.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Fire the therapist 

See a lawyer and start the process of d

No kids and less than a year in to marriage she is cheating 

Things will likely only get worse. Cut your losses. You don't need a life of this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Also get checked for stds. You can't be sure how long she was having sex with posom. Yes they were and likely still are having sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

rroy said:


> I'm in Canada, and based on my 5 minutes of research I just did: Things work differently up in these parts.
> 
> Annulment seems to only be valid if the ceremony was done incorrectly, so that's a no-go. Divorce is "no-fault" in Canada, so adultery, while a valid reason for divorce, won't change the splitting of assets (so it seems).
> 
> ...


Idk if things have changed but Canadians may be able to speed up the divorce process if infidelity is involved. You may want to check that out.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

workindad said:


> Also get checked for stds. You can't be sure how long she was having sex with posom. Yes they were and likely still are having sex.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


They were/are having sex. That's why she would not let you touch her even after she complained about the lack of sex. You had already been replaced.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

I feel for you Roy - your world has just been turned upsidedown. 

Here's how I see it. . .

- you guys were in the 'honeymoon' period!!!
- she's 'apathetic' 
- doesn't regret it 
- won't do NC because 'he's her only friend at work'???
- the man she wined and dined with and 'kissed'?
- who, in her own words she was having a relationship with?
- she is blaming *you*??? 
- had guy friends she went on coffee dates etc with? odd imo
- even if it was 'only kissing' the line has been crossed 
- you don't know the truth, WS never tell the truth
- it is likely a lot worse than what she is telling you.
- she's a liar as all WS are

My advice?
- You're 27.
- She ain't worth fighting for. 
- I have one word for you.

Run. . .


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

rroy: You have been married 10 months and she's already cheated on you and giving you the cheater's script. And worse, she has no remorse about it.

You have so many good years of your life ahead of you. Don't ruin them with this woman.

The pain you feel now will fade and you will find much, much better women out there. There's plenty of women your age who have been cheated on by their husbands (ex or stbx) ) and they know what it's like. 

Divorce. If she turns around, fine, but don't count on it. Go forward with the attitude that she is not going to change, because for the most part, people don't.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Roy....reading between the lines I think its all your fault. Clearly you have been the most unloving, unhelpful husband...basically a $hit.
You go out drinking every night, coming home at all hours covered in lipstick....did you really think she would believe that the lipstick mark on you penis was a rash?
Come on!! Get real! You're a toad.

Ten months and you're going through this? I'm with all the others on here who are telling you to run.....like the wind and in the opposite direction.

I'm late 40's and stuck. You are young...she has treated you like dirt. Go now. You WILL find the right woman.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

rroy said:


> Has anyone been at this point and reconciled?


There have been a number that have, "after" their spouse turned around - their stories are here. But before you even consider R, three things must happen:

1 - She stops contact
2 - She demonstrates remorse
3 - She is willing to accept consequences

Keep heading straight for D until you get to this point. Expect that she may never get there. Implement the 180 in full force.

Even if she turns around, that doesn't mean that R is your best choice. Don't rush into that decision. We can help you through that thought process if you ever get there.

I agree with the other posters about cheating this early in a marriage. It's more often than not, a harbinger of things to come. Take some time away from her and think long and hard about that.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

rroy said:


> Also, another wrinkle: you cannot apply for divorce until 1 year of separation.


You are not the first Canadian to come here. The 1 year separation period is waived if you file based on adultery. Retain a lawyer today.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Here's some advice. Go home. Pack her stuff and tell her to go back to the hotel and call the OM and see if she can stay with him. 

Why should you move out when she's the one that can't be faithful and has no regrets. 

Second of all, she had no business meeting up with guys for coffee or anything else. You were the only one who could have put a stop to that and you didn't. I' bet a bag of doughnuts she would rip you a new one if you did the same thing to her.

Let her know that she's free to pursue the OM just as soon as she gets her things out of the house. She wanted it so now she got it and now has to own it. 

Also I would let everyone know about her affair from friends to family and his. It will be up to her to explain her behavior.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

rroy said:


> Yeah I was quite taken aback by that. Who am *I* to ask that she stops talking to this dude?
> 
> But to be fair, I believe the therapist was trying to calm the situation down as she was getting very defensive.
> 
> ...


Agree with others that this therapist is .... less than competent. If you really want to keep her then pushing on this is the only way. The fog does not lift by itself--you have to cause a temperature inversion in her life to dissipate it. If this pushes her out the door, then you are well rid of her, IMO.


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## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

lordmayhem said:


> You are not the first Canadian to come here. The 1 year separation period is waived if you file based on adultery. Retain a lawyer today.


:iagree:

Listen to LM

I'm Canadian as well. Procrastination will make things much worse.

You're 27, only 10 months into marriage and she's pulling crap like this?!?!

Dump the MC, keep the dog (retain the aforementioned lawyer)and run like hell!!!

If you haven't already seen it and you get a chance, you might want to watch the movie "A Boy and His Dog" (Don Johnson, 1975) 

If not a lesson, the ending should at least give you a good laugh...


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

I have to say its unusual to have these sort of issues in a new marriage, but then again, nothing really surprised me any more. 

I


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Dinner at a hotel, wine, and only a kiss.

Yah, they played hide and seek afterwards.

Listen to Juicer. Lawyer up and get that holy matrimony annulled.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Tell her to leave and go be with POSOM.

How would she feel if you had an affair and could go "kiss" your AP?

File for divorce, have her stay in the motels.


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## WayUpNorth (Dec 14, 2013)

NeverMore said:


> Her therapist is an idiot!


Yup^^^


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## WayUpNorth (Dec 14, 2013)

It NEVER stops at just kissing.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

rroy said:


> Hey everyone, I've been lurking around for about a week desperately trying to gleam any and all advice from the fantastic folks in this community.
> 
> I am currently at a crossroads in this crazy part of my life (sorry for the length):
> 
> ...





rroy said:


> Great advice. No kids, only 27.
> 
> I'm still kind of in shock... things are moving fast. *Has anyone been at this point and reconciled? Is her behaviour the sign of someone who's 100% gone, or is she in the "fog" (I believe that's what it's referred to).*


Dear rroy,

Your getting good advice. Let me add a few points.

First, while you've been married for less than a year, you've been a couple for nearly six. This is significant because the so-called "seven year itch" is real. It is normal for women to fall out of love with their mates around this time. It's the result of evolution, which programmed women to stay with their men long enough to raise their children during the most vulnerable period in their children's lives (when they are infants and todlers) and then move on to look for other mates. Of course, many women do not dump their men when the brain chemicals that we call love wear off and, in these cases, the couples often go on to have long-lasting, loving relationships (I'm one of the lucky ones). But women who do walk away when they fall out of love are unlikely ever to fall back in love. Hence, the likelihood that you can win her back for good is exceedingly small.

Second, you are fortunate that you do not have children. If you separate now, while you will feel pain, you can rebuild your life with someone else (someone better) with no baggage. Once you have children, however, you can never completely separate from a wayward spouse unless one of you abandons your children. Given that you now know that she is the walk-away type, you would do yourself a great disservice to reconcile and then start a family, as you would face the likelihood of her cheating in the future, when divorce would mean permanently screwing up both yours and your children's lives. Thus, unless you plan on having no children, continuing with this woman is extremely ill-advised.

Third, as others have suggested, please consult with a _well-qualified_ divorce attorney soon. Among other things, you should inquire whether your remaining away from the marital home could jeopardize your rights in any way. In some places, this may be construed as abandonment with negative legal consequences for the spouse who leaves.

One other point: based on the experience of hundreds of guys who have been in a similar position, and on what you've told us about your wife's behavior this past month, the odds that she has not slept with the other guy are probably about 1%. Don't kid yourself about this and get proof if you can as, under Canadian law, it will benefit you legally.

I am very sorry you are here. Your task now is to get your emotions under control and make sound decisions that will set you up for a brighter future. You can do it, and you must do it if you want to be happy again. Get as much sleep as you can, eat properly, exercise, hang out with family and friends, focus on work and hobbies, etc. Basically, pay as little attention to her and as much to your own needs as possible. You will be glad you did.

Wishing you the best.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

What a wonderful thing to have the opportunity to do...call the OM and tell him '[insert wife's name] wants to move in with you...she is on her way, her bags are packed'......'oh, she can't? You mean, you mess around with another man's wife and want nothing more?'....'oh!'

'wife, he doesn't want you. You'll have to go somewhere else I guess'. 

And if he does say 'oh, ok, she can come over', imagine the rabbit in the headlights look on his face and the fantasy crashing down around both their heads. 

Oh what fun that would be!


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## Syco (Sep 25, 2013)

I have been depressed since my mid-teens. This does not mean i get a "pass" to run around and betray my loved ones. 

Get a Lawyer, and pack her stuff up and send her to the other man. 

Be thankful that you have found out her true character before kids, debt etc. 

Send an email to close family telling them of a 3rd party in your marriage.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

WOW... This is the 3° or 4° thread on TAM that i read and that the BS still cant manage to understand when to man-up....
Ther must be some sort of virus around.....


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

You haven't read enough threads. Many start this way when posters are in shock. I'm surprised that we have 3 or 4 threads with guys calling it quits within a few days.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> You haven't read enough threads. Many start this way when posters are in shock. I'm surprised that we have 3 or 4 threads with guys calling it quits within a few days.



Yes, i know, but i was refering of the threads all in ONE (1) DAY!!!


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Yep, she is playing along with "The Script" alright. Been there...and you already don't have to ask me about my signature below "I love you but not "in" love with you" garbage. You been dealt it.

OP, in your first post you mentioned spouse started complaining about wanting you to be more aggressive and whatnot...that was a result of OM getting hooks in her stronger than what she thought...and that was a moment where she was on the fence, hoping she could "feel something" enough that would help her stop...but usually those moments are really brief (like seconds long) as they are caught in the whirlwind of selfishness. 

My wife did the same damn thing...and I, not knowing "The Script" went along with it doing what you did, only to get shot down that i wasn't doing it for her...and then she kicked me out (she had all the leverage cos we JUST MOVED 2 weeks prior to HER new job) so she could run her online affairs and start trolling work and craigslist for sex partners (she is a sex addict that virtually cannonballed off the wagon). But I didn't know any of this in my naivete...I believed all her bs...and boy I pleaded and cried and begged...but I had no clue that she was living a different life under my nose. Gave me, the "I love you but..." speech, need space to think it out, needs me to change...blah-blah-blah" Now, I'll admit I am far from perfect, but NO ONE deserves this treatment...getting fooled around on...the lies...getting all of the BLAME dumped in you like some chump. That was me.

You can do everything in the world to be a perfect husband, but if she doesn't quit this guy...then you are wasting your time. I mean, I suppose the fact that she admitted it in counseling is a positive step...but it's obvious she is still hooked...and that dingbat counselor is NOT helping the situation. There needs to be a boundary. You "have no right" to tell her to 100% quit???? INSANITY!!!!!!

If there is any leverage to use against this guy...use it quick!! Tell boss, tell wife (if there is one), do internet reasearch for facebook profile...and then start messaging family and friends of his what he is doing. Tell your friends and family. Leave neither stone nor shadow for the ****roaches to run and hide. If she feels so "apathetic" and justified for her behavior, then she obviously won't take issue with everyone knowing about it. Right?  

A lot of us were in the same position...that's why we feel so comfortable to thinslice your situation cos we recognize it like Mark Twain recognized the Mississippi River.


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## rroy (Jan 23, 2014)

Thanks for the feedback.

Quick update on my situation, I've taken the following steps:

- Moved completely out of the house (I didn't kick her out because of geographical issues with where our families live, I'm actually closer to work now, at my parents house).

- The dog is with me 

- Sent her a draft separation agreement - I took the time to spell out the items I would have returned to me which included her wedding ring and wedding band (worth 8k!!!!)

- Told my mother of the situation, emailed my wife's mother

- Have not contacted her at all - absolutely no contact since the therapist appointment

- Starting to think about myself - going to being planning a week trip to San Francisco, for work / play (work in the tech industry). Watching what I eat, daily workouts

- Spending more time with my guy friends, generally trying to be a better friend to all the people in my life


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Good Luck trying to get the wedding ring...only if she is either stupid or truly remorseful will you get that back!!


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## rroy (Jan 23, 2014)

ShootMePlz! said:


> Good Luck trying to get the wedding ring...only if she is either stupid or truly remorseful will you get that back!!


Worth a try. At some level I would think she'd feel dirty keeping it and selling it. 

Applying rational thoughts to someone acting like this is probably a mistake though.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

ShootMePlz! said:


> Good Luck trying to get the wedding ring...only if she is either stupid or truly remorseful will you get that back!!


Better luck if she doesn't give the ring back but accidently gets posted on cheaterville.com with work and everyone she knows getting the link. oops


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

why didn't you call your mother in law. Emailing this bad news is rude and frankly sounds kind of cowardly.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

rroy said:


> Thanks for the feedback.
> 
> Quick update on my situation, I've taken the following steps:
> 
> ...


Just checking (apologies if it has been raised before in this thread and I missed it) that in your jurisdiction (as in some places in the States) your leaving the house does not constitute legal "abandonment" that could come back and bite you later.


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## rroy (Jan 23, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> why didn't you call your mother in law. Emailing this bad news is rude and frankly sounds kind of cowardly.


I think I would have a hard time keeping my composure by talking about it. Email was the only way I could get to them quickly, and ensuring I say what I wanted to say.

I'll call her today, as I'm feeling much calmer.


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## rroy (Jan 23, 2014)

Philat said:


> Just checking (apologies if it has been raised before in this thread and I missed it) that in your jurisdiction (as in some places in the States) your leaving the house does not constitute legal "abandonment" that could come back and bite you later.


Canada is no-fault divorce, abandonment is not an issue. In fact we *have* to be separated for a year before we can apply for a divorce.

If she shows up to the 2nd therapist appointment, and I don't feel there's any hope of R. I will sit down with a lawyer and figure out what exact I need to do to protect myself, but it sounds like things work differently up here for the most part.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

rroy said:


> I think I would have a hard time keeping my composure by talking about it. Email was the only way I could get to them quickly, and ensuring I say what I wanted to say.
> 
> I'll call her today, as I'm feeling much calmer.


Not sure about your mother in law, but I would say there is no shame in breaking down in front of her over this. Just the opposite, she should know exactly how devastating this is. If she doesn't get it, well, that is her loss.

You owe her an apology for not telling her in person. Good luck, you have understanding friends here.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

rroy said:


> Canada is no-fault divorce, abandonment is not an issue. In fact we *have* to be separated for a year before we can apply for a divorce.
> 
> If she shows up to the 2nd therapist appointment, and I don't feel there's any hope of R. I will sit down with a lawyer and figure out what exact I need to do to protect myself, but it sounds like things work differently up here for the most part.


This has been brought up here many times, some Canadians claim if you can prove adultery the separation time is greatly reduced, no fault not withstanding.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You can include the value of the rings in community property and get back half their value.


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## rroy (Jan 23, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> This has been brought up here many times, some Canadians claim if you can prove adultery the separation time is greatly reduced, no fault not withstanding.


Yeah, according to my research it's hard to prove adultery, (although I have photos of some text messages) and you usually only go that route of the cheater is willing to sign a paper admitting to it, so it's processed quickly for both parties benefits.


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## rroy (Jan 23, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> You can include the value of the rings in community property and get back have their value.


Never thought about that, good point. Thanks


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## rroy (Jan 23, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> Not sure about your mother in law, but I would say there is no shame in breaking down in front of her over this. Just the opposite, she should know exactly how devastating this is. If she doesn't get it, well, that is her loss.
> 
> You owe her an apology for not telling her in person. Good luck, you have understanding friends here.


She responded to my email saying she was "so very sorry", but I will apologize and explain why I didn't call yesterday.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

rroy said:


> But a thought is nagging in my mind: she has a guy friend at work... *a guy friend she's gone skating with*. Has something been developing there? She's always had guy friends, and been on *coffee dates with them*, and I've never had a reason to not trust her.


You allowed your wife to date other men. This is completely unacceptable for a married man/woman. I'm sure you allowed it because we've been conditioned by today's society to feel like we are controlling/insecure if we don't allow this behavior. Now you've learned the hard way like many of us, that this leads to disaster in many cases. 

In your next relationship, you need to establish boundaries with your partner, and they need to respect them. A married man/woman should not be going on dates with a member of the opposite sex, especially when it's just the two of them. This encourages emotional intimacy, and many times, that is the beginning of an affair. 

This is not being controlling. Do not let anyone play the controlling card with you. This is about protecting your marriage.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

rroy said:


> Yeah I was quite taken aback by that. Who am *I* to ask that she stops talking to this dude?
> 
> But to be fair, I believe the therapist was trying to calm the situation down as she was getting very defensive.
> 
> The therapist said that I could "push the situation further, but we can see where this is heading if you push". Basically saying "Hey it looks like if she's pushed to make up her mind this second, she's going to go with the door...".


I had a therapist who thought and advised this way too. I was far too confused at the time to see how damaging that advice and approach were. Very similar words. I pointed to all that bad facts I was aware of (tip of the iceberg) and he suggested that if I could not let it go (what had been described to that point as a work friendship) I would drive her into a "real" affair.

No kids and a wife who doesn't want to decide between your marriage and her affair. There is no doubt in my mind that you are doing the right thing. Good luck.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Too bad can be incompetent and no one catches on. Like a restaurant on a busy street that doesn't depend on return customers.

Some therapists also actively bully patients into staying just to rake in more fees.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

rroy

Do you know what hotel she stayed at for 3 days???

Maybe the manager would be nice to give you the evidence you need to prove adultery and shorten the separation time???

And when you speak to your MIL ask her if she knew her married daughter was dating another man????

Do you have access to your wifes cellphone bills???

All these suggestions are to help you move on.

Because if I was only married less than a year and my wife was cheating I would make it very clear to everyone just what type of person she really is to her family, friends and coworkers.

HM


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

This should be honeymoon phase, not destruction of a marriage phase. Not even a year into it and this crap is happening. Do yourself a favor man and find someone who won't pull this while devoted, so say the vows, to you. This is complete nonsense.


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