# My husband is a workaholic and doesn't show affection



## womanhood (Jul 31, 2015)

The first thing that my husband does, when he wakes up in the morning, is check his phone for work -related messages and emails. NExt he visits the washroom while he checks more such messages and responds to them. Then he sits on his laptop to reply to a dozen emails. Meanwhile, I enquire if he wants tea and warm it up for him. 
Sure, my husband runs a start up and he has a lot of work. I also work with him and can appreciate the amount of piled up work. He even works on weekends. So I communicate to him that I need a lil affection and complain that he never hugs me in the morning. He responds by saying he's not a morning person. Infact, he prefers to get intimate at night and i used to find him irresistible in the morning. 
We're very different in every aspect. In the way I am organised and he's not much. The way I'm sleepy as soon as I've had my dinner and he's not a morning person. In the way we deal with work and people and everything. 
But after 21/2 yrs of marriage I cant deal with this 'take me as i am' attitude anymore. Esp since he was fairly loving before we got married. and he complained for a long time that i 'never' wanted to do it. (i've read that this is a problem for quite a few men and women). 
I can't deal with his illogical arguments. When i tell him that he's not being affectionate, his response is that whenever he wants a hug i hug him in a way that is not the way he wants. (I like to fall into his arms in a comfortable way and i joke about it.) Ok, if you don't like being hugged in a particular way and i've been doing it all wrong for so many years, FINE. But that's not the same as not feeling loved at all!!! How can you argue about it, scream and shout and tell me that i should see things from your perspective. If i don't feel loved , i just don't and isnt that should concern you. Esp when you know you're working round the clock, return home late at night or even in the morning or when you do return you keep working till late in the morning. and then you wake up late and rush into work as soon as possible. 
Sure, when we do get 1 weekend in a month which is fairly free he tries to have a relaxed weekend but I'm also being considerate when I recognise that fact. 
You're in this startup because you want to be. So why are you putting me through hell for not tagging along patiently?

He's in the creative field and being from the same field I understand that sometimes he needs his own space to come up with ideas. He tends to zone out sometimes. And the most annoying habit ofcourse is that he's always staring at his ph. I'm usually talking to his head which is beant over his mobile ph. 
Despite all this I constantly get accused of not being understanding.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I can understand where you are coming from. I think you could benefit from reading a few books, not necessarily because you are doing anything wrong, though none of us are completely blameless in our marriages, but so you can see the situation a little more clearly and understand when there is or isn't merit to his arguments.

His Needs, Her Needs by W. Harley and
Getting the Love You Want by H. Hendrix

I deal with a husband who works long hours and is self-employed. The first business we owned became everything to him and the worse it got, the worse he treated me. I pretty much ended up shutting that down. It couldn't function without me, and I said I'd had enough, so that was that. He went off to be an employee and we managed to get some balance back in our lives. We had intimacy and affection issues at the time also. It got so bad between us that I ended up here and ended up reading and doing lots of research about relationships. You're off to a good start. With a bit of hope and determination, you can find a way through these sorts of issues. I think it's fixable because I've been through something similar with a DH who is apparently never wrong (I kid you not, he actually believes that, lol), so I get it.


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

He is being a bit unreasonable stressed or not. Maybe you can try to stay up when he gets home at night, if it's possible at all you could try to make time for a power nap or something to keep you awake. Maybe that will get him to see that you are trying to put yourself on his schedule and meet him halfway and then he will do the same for you. Hugs take 5 minutes and can change the other person's day, you could try to explain it like that. Do you need to be a morning person for hugs? Also, it might seem to him that you are attacking him and he feels threatened so he gets defensive and yells. How are you asking for attention? You aren't doing anything wrong in wanting attention, but tone of voice has a lot to do with how people react to criticism.

My husband is also self employed and when things were super stressful I got the brunt of it also. If he is super stressed then that is probably why he is being so unreasonable and not like before. It's just one of those things that will probably pass when things let up with the business. It has to get better eventually.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Might it be possible that his way of showing love involves making sure you are financially secure? If he's saying exactly what you want to hear but just using a different means of communication, might that change your view? When I'm working overtime and breaking a sweat, I'm constantly thinking about how doing so will enable me to afford doing things that are important to my wife. I'm not scuffling out here because I want to go shopping for myself or because I think it's fun. Sometimes love looks like hugs and kisses and sometimes it looks like a pair of dirty work boots, a furrowed brow, sore back, a guy trudging off to work before it's daylight, etc. 
Any number of guys would be happy to lounge around, nibbling on your ear, but a guy who really cares goes to work.


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## womanhood (Jul 31, 2015)

Thanks for that perspective, Unbelievable. I agree that he does as much as he can in the way he knows best. He does help around the house when he can. He does cook and shop for essentials. He tries to balance the work load. And I get it, that he just can't do as much as he would like to because he doesn't have enough hours in a day. Which is why it perplexes me why he won't do this one thing which doesn't take more than 5 mins a day and will ease both his day and mine. He's not doing any good to his own health by snapping up to work the moment he wakes up. And he has developed health issues like b.p. 
If this doesn't come naturally to him, I have dropped hints about my need and have finally spelt it out in plain English and now this illogical argument makes me feel like I've hit against a wall. In the past I've believed that perhaps I need to communicate better. But if plain english, in a calm voice doesn't work, I don't know what does.


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## womanhood (Jul 31, 2015)

Thanks Breeze and ticktock33. I find that in the past whenever I've shared my situation my women friends have always understood and tried to stay neutral. And I have tried researching quite a bit on the net and I must say it has helped me a lot. It has atleast helped me stay calm in a lot of situations and realise that this is normal. It's also helped me realise how he might perceive the situation. If these books helped you, breeze, I'm definitely goin gto give it a try. I hope things are working out well for you and your husband with the new business. 
ticktock33> More than anything else, I regret the time we're wasting on fights and arguments. As it is we don't have enough time and then the little that we can afford also wastes away in anger. I also can't help feeling that other couples around me are much better off. I don't see this problem with others. I know I shouldn't compare but I must be doing something dreadfully wrong or must be in the wrong relationship to be going through this.


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## womanhood (Jul 31, 2015)

So, the latest development here is that multiple accusations have been made. I have been told: 
"You don't understand my needs."
"You don't understand people."
"You have a problem remembering things." - This is in response to the first accusation, that I don't reciprocate the way he wants. For which he can't cite one example of when this happen. But I have cited examples of when I did reciprocate in the very recent past. 

Any help out there???


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

I think we all envy other people that we see, they all have it together. I understand not wanting to waste time arguing too, it could be so easy and it's like it's right there but no one is picking it up! 

Have you asked him what are his needs since you don't understand and what do you not understand about people? You can't understand if he doesn't tell you.


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