# How long can it last?



## mrsrostein1 (Jan 31, 2016)

I have been married 4 years now... I feel like we have both fallen out of love. Can we come back from this?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

We need way more info than this. What have been the problems in such a young marriage? Number one cause for "falling out of love" is another person in the picture. Has there been cheating on either side? Neglect is another big cause for people to drift apart. Are either of you work alcoholics or giving your physical or emotional energy to other things/people? Also, are their children in the picture.

But short answer is the pilot light in the furnace can be reignited. It requires both parties putting their effort into the relationship. I recommend you and hubby read the Love Languages book. I also recommend you buy your husband the MMSL primer. It's a book to help him become a better man to better attract you. It's for him to read and apply. Not meant for you to read. You don't really want to know how the sausages are made. Just enjoy them hot off the grill.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

mrsrostein1 said:


> I have been married 4 years now... I feel like we have both fallen out of love. Can we come back from this?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Of course.

#1. Do NOT wait for your partner to begin the process.


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## mrsrostein1 (Jan 31, 2016)

We just don't have anything in common... We don't talk. It seems he'd rather be with his technology. I'm not even interested in a love life anymore...


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

Do you have kids?


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## mrsrostein1 (Jan 31, 2016)

No kids... I'm glad we haven't brought them into this madness.


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## Gonecrazy (Oct 12, 2014)

Dear OP,
How did you meet? What was it that brought you two together? How old are you both? What has changed in your relationship? When did it start going down hill and what started happening at that time? What technology?

If you want to really work on your relationship by asking for help from a forum, you will have to put some effort in. Single sentences are not going to turn anything around. There are some really great people on here with awesome advise. You need to fill in all the blanks.

Cheers
GoneCrazy


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

mrsrostein1 said:


> We just don't have anything in common... We don't talk. It seems he'd rather be with his technology. I'm not even interested in a love life anymore...
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It is going to take your will to get the relationship back to full health.

My partner and I set aside a minimum of two hours per night that are devoted to one another. My phones and computers are removed from the room. We have to fight for alone time as we have a newborn, but we find it, whether it is at 10 pm or 2 am.

Can you make this arrangement with your partner? Feelings will come back when you connect.


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## mrsrostein1 (Jan 31, 2016)

We met several years ago through mutual friends and everything was ok. We got along great! We were friends. Now it's all business. We handle our home, other than that we don't talk. I don't know when it fell apart. We've always had disagreements. However, now I feel obsolete. He is more interested in phones, computers, and games. Yet always wants to have sex. I feel if there's nothing else, why be physical. Obviously, he feels it's ok. I want connection all around. Not just intimacy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What is he doing on the computers and phones beside games? Do you know?

Have you told him how you feel? If you have, what does he say?

I don't blame you for feeling the way you do with what you describe.

There are things that you can try....

First read the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". They will help you identify how to fix your marriage.

Before I go further, are you willing to leave the marriage if things do not change?


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

Have you talked openly with your husband about your feelings?


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## Redactus (Nov 22, 2015)

You both need to COMMUNICATE. What do you want...what does he want...how can we fix this...etc.... Talk it out between the two of you.


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## mrsrostein1 (Jan 31, 2016)

We have continuously had these conversations and for days it gets better, then back to the same old thing. I am definitely willing to leave as there is more. But I don't want to just give up. But I think he has. It's like every other thing is important. I don't feel love. I feel more dislike and I don't know how to get the like and/or love back.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mrsrostein1 said:


> We have continuously had these conversations and for days it gets better, then back to the same old thing. I am definitely willing to leave as there is more. But I don't want to just give up. But I think he has. It's like every other thing is important. I don't feel love. I feel more dislike and I don't know how to get the like and/or love back.


Do you mean that you feel more dislike for him or you feel more dislike from him.

So I told you about the books to read.

I'm going to add a third one.. "Divorce Busters". Read it after the other two and pay attention to the chapter on how unilateral change by one spouse can completely change a marriage. In that chapter the book talks about a 180. That means to do things 180 degrees different from what he expects from you. (It is not the 180 linked to in my signature block below.)

After you read the books, if you want we can help you come up with your 180. Then you start it. You will get his attention ... that's what the 180 is about. Once you have his attention, then you can start the things that you learned in the first two books. You can ask him to read the books and work through them with you. If he agrees and does the work, it will restructure your marriage and rebuild the love and passion you two used to have.

If he does not agree work through the books with you, it's ultimatum time. Just don't do this until you are sure you would follow through if he does not agree to do it.

The ultimatum is that either he goes to marriage counseling with you, works through the books and works with you to fix the marriage or you are filing for divorce. 

If he refuses, file for divorce. Filing usually wakes up the most obtuse spouse.

Get Relationship Advice and Solve Marriage Problems with Michele Weiner-Davis - Divorce Busting®

You are basically on the verge of walking away. And no matter what you have told him, he is not listening.
.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

If you want an honest answer; probably not. You cannot make someone love you. I bet that many of the 50% of marriages that do not end in divorce, are lived without love. They have kids and stay together because of that or do not want to go through the horrors of divorce which will leave them both poorer and in worse shape.

My wife and I fell in love with each other when we first met. We were engaged 3 weeks later. We have a non monogamous marriage which has allowed us to sample other people and that only served to make us appreciate and lover each other more. We both can date anyone we want to and yet we chose each other over all others. As I once read, if your spouse tells you that they do not love you anymore, run, don't walk, away from your marriage because it will not end well and it is better to find someone that loves you than waste time on a loveless marriage.

Ultimately it is your choice but no matter what problems my wife and I had, we never said that we do not love each other. That would end the marriage for sure.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Oh, and the first thing you do is to stop having all these talks with him. Do not go do this again until you get through all 3 books and have 180 plan and have the knowledge of how to proceed.

From here on out do not have relationship talks, do not beg, plead, etc. When you are around him, be upbeat. Show no interest in what he is doing.

Do not let him see you reading those books. Do not sit around the house pinning for him. Get busy. If you can, join a gym and start working out. Go to Find your people - Meetup and find interesting things to do. (But do not get to friendly with any other guys). If you have female friends, start doing things like lunch out, go to the movies, etc. Get a makeover, new clothing, etc. Pamper yourself.

Get busy. Let him start to realize that you are not waiting around for him. And don’t give him a lot of info about what you are doing. The discussion on the 180 explains this and more.

And no this is not a game. This is you taking care of yourself, being the best person you can be and becoming a more interesting person. It is about you taking care of yourself.

Do you have a job? If so how many hours a week do you work? What percentage of the joint income do you earn (just to get an idea of some dynamics going on).


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## Redactus (Nov 22, 2015)

Agree with ELe - but I think you should do the true 180. If that doesn't work....file for D. You need to get his attention and then see his reaction.


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## mrsrostein1 (Jan 31, 2016)

We both work full time. I feel like that's the best. The 180. Totally switch up things. I've been attempting not to show interest but it does hurt being in a place where I feel alone and my husband is present.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Redactus said:


> Agree with ELe - but I think you should do the true 180. If that doesn't work....file for D. You need to get his attention and then see his reaction.


What I talked about is the true 180 in that there is not just one 180. The 180 needs to be personalized.


The 180 that you are calling the true 180 is one that the was developed by divorce busters to be used by a betrayed spouse while their wayward spouse was in the middle of an affair. The idea of it is to protect the BS and to move out of the marriage so that the BS becomes emotionally able to file for divorce. If, in the mean time, the WS gives up the affair, goes no contact, and the BS still wants to try to fix/recover the marriage, they stop doing the '180 for betrayed spouses'.

Doing the '180 for betrayed spouses' in this situation will be the end of the marriage. The OP did not ask how to end her marriage. She asked if it is possible to fix it. 

People often do not understand that here is not one 180 or how it is supposed to be used.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mrsrostein1 said:


> We both work full time. I feel like that's the best. The 180. Totally switch up things. I've been attempting not to show interest but it does hurt being in a place where I feel alone and my husband is present.


Please read the books... they are life changing for many people... and relationship changing.. and to be clear I do not make any money at all off them > So I'm not suggesting them for personal again. 

I am sure that you feel alone when you are around him. So make sure that when you are around you, you have something else to help pick you up.... 


The more you do this, the easier it will get.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

When my wife and I were at your stage of life it did get a bit boring. Work, home, sleep, repeat. 

We joined a badminton club together. Got us out of the house, doing things with other people. I played volleyball and fastball. 

May be look for something that you guys could do together. Look for something for yourself to do.

I feel closest to my wife when we are being intimate. Many men are the same. Having sex is fun. Makes me feel connected to my wife. After being close I find myself talking to her about a ton of things. Rejecting him will for sure make things worse. 

Having kids also ended the 'boredom' for sure. Don't do that though until you get your relationship back on track.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mrsrostein1,

I have another question. 

What percentage of housework, chores etc do each of you do?


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## Redactus (Nov 22, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> What I talked about is the true 180 in that there is not just one 180. The 180 needs to be personalized.
> 
> 
> The 180 that you are calling the true 180 is one that the was developed by divorce busters to be used by a betrayed spouse while their wayward spouse was in the middle of an affair. The idea of it is to protect the BS and to move out of the marriage so that the BS becomes emotionally able to file for divorce. If, in the mean time, the WS gives up the affair, goes no contact, and the BS still wants to try to fix/recover the marriage, they stop doing the '180 for betrayed spouses'.
> ...


Not necessarily, by doing the "true" 180, I believe it would grab the attention of the other spouse. There is no reason to continue if the attention is grabbed. Sometimes hard love is necessary.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Redactus said:


> Not necessarily, by doing the "true" 180, I believe it would grab the attention of the other spouse. There is no reason to continue if the attention is grabbed. Sometimes hard love is necessary.


Again what you are calling the 'true 180' is not that at all. What you are advising is against what Divorce Busting advises.. and the 180 concept is from DB after all.

The OP can read the book and figure out what to do based on the book.


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## mrsrostein1 (Jan 31, 2016)

My husband doesn't clean. But cooks. I have to fight to get the trash taken out. I don't wanna be used for sex and/or just to take care of the house. I want to be viewed as someone who has needs and wants as well. I'm really interested in getting back to a place where I feel in love. But it's hard, when there is nothing else.


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

Tell your husband it is a marriage ending thing because you firmly believe he does not care because of all of the backslides. 

If he loves you but does not know what is required to have you feeling it, then he will make the necessary adjustments and stick with them. 

If he does not love you then he will blow them off. 

Either way you will know what to do. 

Since you don't have kids, have little in common and have not been married long, leaving should be a much easier decision


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Get the MMSL Primer for your husband. It can be the wake up call that he needs. It appears he is asleep and doesn't realize how vulnerable you are to a smooth talking interloper. I'm sure you don't want to be the type of woman that would commit adultery but you are so ripe to be snatched from his hands.

The primer touches on these topics as well. I agree that that the books already suggested by Elegirl can really help. Your marriage can be turned around but your husband needs to be awakened. He once won your heart, so you are compatible. We men can become complacent and take the thing we value the most for granted. 

While doing your research and sounding the alarm to wake your husband up, make sure that you also look inward. You can explain how you feel and bring resources that may jar him into action but you can't force him to change. Sometimes implementing changes on your part, can be the catalyst for him to respond.


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## Gonecrazy (Oct 12, 2014)

OP, I personally found HNHN really helpful in understanding things about women that where staring me in the face, but I was unable to see.

I also agree with needle in that, you can easily cut your losses without children. If you can't rebuild a strong relationship without them, you don't need me to finish this sentence.

Good luck
Gonecrazy


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I am with the poster who said if the spouse tells you they don't love you, believe them. No kids, it's easy. Just let each other go. I have a feeling each of you will breathe easier once you separate.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Vinnydee said:


> If you want an honest answer; probably not. You cannot make someone love you. I bet that many of the 50% of marriages that do not end in divorce, are lived without love.


Astute observation.

Ty Tashiro concludes that only 3 in 10 marriages are very happy. _The Science of Happily Ever After_


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