# How to Escape an abusive marriage when you have kids



## Samia12 (Apr 8, 2013)

Hi everyone! I was on this forum 7 years ago desperately looking for some advice to escape from my abusive husband. I had only a baby then I stayed and had 2 more kids with him. Now things are worse than before. I used to live in a small village with him and it was very tough for me there as his family and other people there were bullying me for years. Even people breaking my car to trying to break in to kill us. I kept staying there then our neighbours started abusing us n making life impossible there so I decided to move to the city and I begged him but he hurt me more with suicidal threats. He even hung himself infront of the kids cos I told him I couldn’t stay with him anymore after I had a break down. So after moving to the city life became even worse if I say anything he would start shouting really loud throwing things and terrorizing the kids. He forcefully got me pregnant and I had an ectopic pregnancy I nearly died even after that the abuse didn’t stop. In fact his sister said that my family was being dramatic when I told her they were worried for my life. And while I was in the hospital him and his family were talking **** about me cos I asked them for help he didn’t even come to pick me up after surgery I had to walk home cos I was standing there for like 40 min. But when I came home all upset he started shouting at me n blaming me for not waiting longer. His abuse kept happening n kids n I kept suffering. He would always send me texts of suicidal threats. So I told him to go to his family. He only got worse. I also took a restraining order against him. Being foolish I gave him another chance and asked him to come back. Maybe because I’m alone in his country with no family or friends. My mom only visits me n for that she also needs a visa. He tells me I can’t take the kids out of the country. He even ruined my sons’s birthday because I refused his bullying sister’s presents and then injured his elbow. After that I got msgs from his sister accusing me of everything and calling me a domestic abuser when it’s the opposite. Since he came back he is causing more drama n he literally roars not even scream even pushes the kids if they try to stop him. My 5 year old is really badly affected by it. He cries so much n begs him to not shout but he pushes my son. It happened again today because I only asked him I wanted some money to get my tooth fixed since I’m in pain for months now n any money I saved went to buying things for the kids. He started shouting and saying “are you blaming me” kids came to the room and he only got louder. I’m so scared my stomach is sick when he is around. Sometimes he shouts at me out of nothing that I get so scared I just shut up. I’m so worried about my kids. I don’t wanna call the police because I don’t know if he stops paying the rent as I rely on him financially. My family lives in Germany n the only thing that stops me from moving there is kids education, they don’t understand any other language other than English.
I know if I keep staying I’ll keep suffering n I can’t do this to my kids anymore. I have a 1 year old who is so badly affected that he even gets scared of little things now. please help. And if I leave then how. Thanks


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry you have been going through this, and for so long. 

I think that place you need to start is to get support from a local organization that helps victims of domestic abuse. Here's links to a few organizations that I found that should be able to find a local organization. 

24hr National Freephone Helpline 1800 341 900 | Women's Aid - Domestic violence service in Ireland (womensaid.ie) 
I need help now | Women's Aid - Domestic violence service in Ireland (womensaid.ie) 
Get Help - Safe Ireland
You need an exit plan. When you find an organization that can help you, they can help you come up with an exit plan.

Do you have access to money?


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## Samia12 (Apr 8, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I'm sorry you have been going through this, and for so long.
> 
> I think that place you need to start is to get support from a local organization that helps victims of domestic abuse. Here's links to a few organizations that I found that should be able to find a local organization.
> 
> ...


Thank you for replying! I have contacted women’s aid few times but they just hear the story n ask me to leave him no steps explained. Anyway I will never consider going to women’s refuge with my children, don’t want them to be affected by other things. I only get child benefit monthly own my small business but hardy getting any sales. My family always helps me financially thank God. If I move to them I won’t be worrying about money straight away. It’s just the getting out thing and leaving country that scares me.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Will your family help you get to Germany?


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## Samia12 (Apr 8, 2013)

Laurentium said:


> Will your family help you get to Germany?


yes but he doesn’t let me take kids out of the country without his permission


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Samia12 said:


> yes but he doesn’t let me take kids out of the country without his permission


You dont need his permission. 
Just go. Either that or go to a woman's refuge now. Dont tell him where you are going. 
Those poor children must be a complete mess, do it for them.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

You need to do whatever you have to do to escape this CRAZY WHACKO MAN!!

He "even hung himself in front of the kids"???

In my personal opinion, you should be VERY worried for your life and your kids lives. Sounds like the type of evil person who would kill your kids just so you couldn't have them.

As Ele said you need an exit plan and ASAP!!

NO EXCUSES!! 
JUST DO IT!!

The safety of you and your kids lives depends on it. Get to Germany and your family!!


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## TheHappyGuy (Aug 27, 2012)

Why does your mum need a visa to visit Ireland from Germany? Do you have German citizenship? Can you find an excuse for you and the kids to visit Germany, for example a birthday or just for them to visit their Grandma? Then you can just stay and not go back. Your children are young enough to easily pick up the language, there is a lot of support from local schools to help immigrants learn German. 

You have to get out to protect yourself and your children.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

A German girl came to our British school when I was 12. She knew no English. I am not kidding you, within weeks she was speaking pretty good English and after about a year her marks in English lessons were always A's. 
They will learn German very quickly. That's is the least of your problems anyway.
Go to Germany asap.


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## Samia12 (Apr 8, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> You dont need his permission.
> Just go. Either that or go to a woman's refuge now. Dont tell him where you are going.
> Those poor children must be a complete mess, do it for them.


women refuge is going to affect us worse. I was hoping if he could move out if I can’t take the kids out of country without the father’s permission. Would it be illegal? I know I can’t put my kids through this anymore. He called from work n apologized but I know it will happen again


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## Samia12 (Apr 8, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> A German girl came to our British school when I was 12. She knew no English. I am not kidding you, within weeks she was speaking pretty good English and after about a year her marks in English lessons were always A's.
> They will learn German very quickly. That's is the least of your problems anyway.
> Go to Germany asap.


yeah I guess language shouldn’t stop me even though my son doesn’t want to go to German schools. If I stay in Ireland he leaves home. I’ll be here on my own but he’ll still be visiting the kids. I think I should just try separating n stay here for now


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## Samia12 (Apr 8, 2013)

sideways said:


> You need to do whatever you have to do to escape this CRAZY WHACKO MAN!!
> 
> He "even hung himself in front of the kids"???
> 
> ...


I know I had all the 3 kids in my bed last night. I’m afraid for their life. He admits he has anger issues but keep repeating it. Thank you for encouraging me to get out of this situation


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Samia12 said:


> women refuge is going to affect us worse. I was hoping if he could move out if I can’t take the kids out of country without the father’s permission. Would it be illegal? I know I can’t put my kids through this anymore. He called from work n apologized but I know it will happen again


How is to going to affect the children worse. They are in terror now. No its not illegal for you to take them to Germany. People go abroad all the time. You son will settle into German schools.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Samia12 said:


> yeah I guess language shouldn’t stop me even though my son doesn’t want to go to German schools. If I stay in Ireland he leaves home. I’ll be here on my own but he’ll still be visiting the kids. I think I should just try separating n stay here for now


Do you honestly think you will be safe if he knows where you all live? The man is a mad man.


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## Samia12 (Apr 8, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> How is to going to affect the children worse. They are in terror now. No its not illegal for you to take them to Germany. People go abroad all the time. You son will settle into German schools.


Because I simply don’t want my kids to live in shelter instead I want to give them a home here or maybe another country. I told him not to come back home and go to his family. So hopefully he doesn’t..


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## Samia12 (Apr 8, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Do you honestly think you will be safe if he knows where you all live? The man is a mad man.


I have a restraining order against him. I called him back which was my biggest mistake but if he is out then he can’t hurt us.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Samia12 said:


> Because I simply don’t want my kids to live in shelter instead I want to give them a home here or maybe another country. I told him not to come back home and go to his family. So hopefully he doesn’t..


I think you're looking at this wrong. Certainly understand not wanting your kids living in a shelter, but at what price???

Your kids are watching all of this craziness from your whacko husband and what damage is it going to do to them in the long run??

If you can get them back to your home country with your family that is what I would shoot for.

Will your family help you?

Also....DO NOT LET YOUR HUSBAND KNOW ABOUT THIS SITE NOR GIVE HIM ANY INDICATION OF WHAT YOU'RE PLANNING!!

I was NOT kidding when I said, based upon what you've told us, that your crazy husband sounds like the type of deranged psycho who would kill you or your kids (or both) if things didn't go his way or the kids were with you instead of with him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Samia12 said:


> Thank you for replying! I have contacted women’s aid few times but they just hear the story n ask me to leave him no steps explained. Anyway I will never consider going to women’s refuge with my children, don’t want them to be affected by other things. I only get child benefit monthly own my small business but hardy getting any sales. My family always helps me financially thank God. If I move to them I won’t be worrying about money straight away. It’s just the getting out thing and leaving country that scares me.


There are links to two safety/exit plan info sites.....
http://www.ncdsv.org/images/DV_Safety_Plan.pdf

Safety Planning ? Domestic Violence Resource Center

Below is a safety/exist plan that I put together. You can look through all this and take what makes sense for you and make your own plan.....

========================================
When things get bad, when your husband is violent, call the police. Here in the US it's 911. I don't know what it is where you are. Get a restraining order against him. Then file for divorce.

One thing you could do is to get some evidence of his abuse. Do you have a cell phone? record him with video or at least voice recording. You could get a voice activated recorder and have it in the house ready to record his abusive behavior.

========================================
It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps.

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

*Get a support system: *

Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.
Also check into legal aid in your area.
Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Check on sites like Amazon for books about divorce in your state. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.
Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble.
If you do not have friends of your own, start making them. Even if you don’t share your situation with them, just having a social outlet for you and even your children will help. One way to meet people is to go to www.meetup.com Search for meetup groups in your area. In most areas they have a lot of things to choose from. You just sign up and go.
*Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. *

If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:
your mail from the ‘safe address’
All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account
Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.
Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports,
Car title, social security cards, credit cards,
Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.)
Titles, deeds and other property information
Medical records
Children's school and immunization records
Insurance information
Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s.
Welfare identification
Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions
*Financial Plan*
Consider getting a job as soon as you can if you do not already have one. This will give you access to money and independence.

*Your safety Plan: *
You need a safety plan just in case you need to leave immediately if things get out of hand.

Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter.
Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.
If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit.
Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made.
Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures.
You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse.
Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.
If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape.
Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape.
Hide an extra set of car keys.
Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”.
Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends.
Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc.
Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave.
Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial.
Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.
*After Leaving the Abusive Relationship*

*If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving the family home: *
Change your locks and phone number.
Change your work hours and route taken to work.
Change the route taken to transport children to school.
Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times.
Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect.
Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender.
Call law enforcement to enforce the order.

​

*If you leave the family home: *
Do not leave your children with your abusive spouse/partner. Take them with you. Talk to your attorney and/or the abuse organization counselors to make sure you do this in a way that will not jeopardize your future custody rights. You don’t want to look like you are kidnapping your children.
Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number.
Change your work hours, if possible.
Alert school authorities of the situation.
Consider changing your children's schools.
Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them.
Use different stores and frequent different social spots.
Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger.
Talk to trusted people about the violence.
Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system.
Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible.
Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order.
Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.

​
Here are some ways you can find out things about your finances and some about how you can start saving money in your own name. I’m not putting them on the open forum because I don’t want to tip off people who are abusers.

Some of this might sound crazy. But you are completely in the dark and these are ways that people I know, even I, got the info we needed so that our spouse could not rip us off in a divorce.

Check his wallet and get photographs of any cards and other info that he has in there to include his driver’s license. Make sure to save them somewhere that he cannot get to, like on the cloud.

If he has a brief case do the same thing to it. Do you have a scanner at home? If not get one. I have a small portable that’s easy to use. That’s all you need. Just scan everything in his briefcase into pdf or jpgs. And again keep that info in a cloud account.

If you do use a cloud account, make sure that it does not create an account on your PC that he could see. There is a way to prevent that.

Does he have a home office or a place at home where he works sometimes? If so search it (often). Check the trash.. (I found out all kinds of stuff about my husband by searching his trash. Like I found letters from his affair partner. That’s how I found out about one of his affairs. I also found receipts and statements showing that he was moving money that I earned into accounts and investments in his and his mother’s name.

Another thing that you might want to try is to go through the trash from his business if you can get to it. Just snatch the bags of trash out of the trash bin into your car, take them some place where he will not see you go through it and search. I kid you not, you can find stuff.

Get a key to his car. Make one if you need to. Then search it often. Search every cranny. Again I found all kinds of info that way. My then husband was hiding papers in the well where the spare tire and tools go. When he traveled, I drove to the airport, found his car in long-term parking and searched it. He was using his car to hide things while he traveled.

Get online and order his credit report. It could lead to all kinds of info on accounts he has.

Search the court records for any law suits. If he has a business, it might have been sued and he might have had to disclose financial info. Here where I live there is a website for the state of New Mexico where we can search on a person’s name to find all court cases of any kind… to include if they were sued, arrested and charged, divorced, etc. I’m sure that New York has something similar.

Make sure that you take an inventory of everything of value in your home. Take photos of everything. And do a walking inventory through the house. That way he cannot hide or dispose of things of value during a divorce.

=========================================
*Now about money*

Then open bank accounts in your name only. Use an address other than your home address. Also do electronic statements, etc. so that there is no paperwork for him to find. You can open a bank account with as little as $25.

If at all possible, every time you go to a store, get out cash. Even if it’s $10. I know a woman who did this. She’d get out between $40 and $60 with every purchase. It added up… to thousands over a few year period. Make sure that you throw away the receipts before you get home or keep them where he cannot find them. Do not put them in your home trash.

Go through your house and sell anything that you can. Just tell him that you are wanting to simplify your life and declutter. List things on craigslist and sell it. Put the money in your bank account.


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## Samia12 (Apr 8, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> There are links to two safety/exit plan info sites.....
> http://www.ncdsv.org/images/DV_Safety_Plan.pdf
> 
> Safety Planning ? Domestic Violence Resource Center
> ...


Thank you very much for providing me a detailed plan with every situation and the links. Saving money and having a separate bank account is the most important thing for me at the moment. I have a restraining order but just trying to end this peacefully. In Ireland the government supports single non working parents and the kids just started school today. So don’t want to move n rely on my family. Just going to keep myself n kids away from him for now and have a safety plan.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Samia12 said:


> Thank you very much for providing me a detailed plan with every situation and the links. Saving money and having a separate bank account is the most important thing for me at the moment. I have a restraining order but just trying to end this peacefully. In Ireland the government supports single non working parents and the kids just started school today. So don’t want to move n rely on my family. Just going to keep myself n kids away from him for now and have a safety plan.


Do you think he will stay away?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Keep seeking help. You might turn to a pastor or a ladies group. But always remember that it's just as important to get the kids out of this abusive atmosphere as it is to get you out. It's really bad for them to go through too, even when it's mostly you who are the target. So sorry for your situation. Are there no police where you live or a hospital where you could go if he physically hurt you and left a mark or the kids? Can you get an attorney?


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## Samia12 (Apr 8, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Do you think he will stay away?


Hopefully! I have stopped talking to him so I don’t give him any excuse to start his abuse again. Just waiting for him to move out


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Samia12 said:


> Hopefully! I have stopped talking to him so I don’t give him any excuse to start his abuse again. Just waiting for him to move out


How is he still in the same house if you have a restraining order? Surely he has to stay right away.


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## Samia12 (Apr 8, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Do you think he will stay away?


Hopefully that’s all I can say


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## Samia12 (Apr 8, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> How is he still in the same house if you have a restraining order? Surely he has to stay right away.


He is gone now Thank God! Me and the kids feel safe now


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Samia12 said:


> He is gone now Thank God! Me and the kids feel safe now


If by chance he showed up who would you call?


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## Samia12 (Apr 8, 2013)

sideways said:


> If by chance he showed up who would you call?


He can’t enter the house. I have a protection order against him so that helps me with feeling safe.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I understand your situation, and what it’s like. I’ve seen women in the courts and working with police and the most dangerous time is when you leave. He will escalate things, but many of these men will move on very quickly once they see you are never going back to what used to be. They are cowards and usually scared of authority figures. Well, they’ll huff and puff a bit, but once it’s actually known that they’re little wife and child abusers, and the wife is gone, they find another wife pretty quickly and turn their focus to her. 

The shelter is only temporary, you know that the services are there not just to get you out, but to follow through and get you going forward? And to keep contact with you and assist you once you’re out of the shelter?


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## Samia12 (Apr 8, 2013)

Luckylucky said:


> I understand your situation, and what it’s like. I’ve seen women in the courts and working with police and the most dangerous time is when you leave. He will escalate things, but many of these men will move on very quickly once they see you are never going back to what used to be. They are cowards and usually scared of authority figures. Well, they’ll huff and puff a bit, but once it’s actually known that they’re little wife and child abusers, and the wife is gone, they find another wife pretty quickly and turn their focus to her.
> 
> The shelter is only temporary, you know that the services are there not just to get you out, but to follow through and get you going forward? And to keep contact with you and assist you once you’re out of the shelter?


That’s right, these kind of abusers only abuse the vulnerable and are scared of authorities. I also know once he knows I won’t take him back he’ll try to get nasty through some texts and stuff but will move on very quickly as he doesn’t care about me n the kids plus he is racist towards me, even though I come from a lot better background than him. So I can’t even look at this person after all the emotional abuse, racism and threats towards me n my children. I would have gone to my family or shelter if he was here still. I told him the other day if he doesn’t move out I’ll move to shelter but he is gone back to his village which is like 40 min away from the city. I’m living in an apartment with a lot of security so we are very much safe. I wouldn’t put my kids in shelter when they have a safe environment now. Getting him out was the hardest but I’m so glad he went easily. And yes I can always speak to women’s aid for advice


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