# Feeling alone in my marriage



## Haydawolive (Mar 10, 2019)

I have been with my spouse for 3 going on 4 years. We have 2 small children together. The first couple of years were great. There was passion, mutual respect, communication between us. I felt very loved and appreciated by him. He treated me like gold. I could feel that he valued our relationship. 

After I had my first child, things of course became a little stressful. We were new parents and trying to adjust to our new life as parents AND partners. It was hard for us to balance both identities and we began to neglect our relationship in order to focus on our son. We began to argue more but I always assumed we would work it out. 

After my son turned 5 months I became pregnant again. We didn't plan this and it added to our stress. However we were happy to welcome our new addition. While I was pregnant I did something I don't usually do, I went through his phone. I found messages from a female he worked with. He was offering her rides home and being beyond friendly. I then found a hidden album with pictures of her face, selfies. Right next to those selfies were pictures of his genitals. Right next to that was a picture of female genitals. I also saw on fb that he was publicly liking her sexy photos. I was mad, heartbroken, shocked. 

I confronted him and he said he was going to please himself to her photos. He also said if he wanted to cheat on me he could have while driving her home from work but he insisted he never did. I asked him why and he said he thought she was pretty and was tired of porn. He told me it was innocent and just like watching porn. He says he never cheated on me and he got her selfies from fb. She and him had nothing between eachother. 

I find it hard to trust him now. Everytime I try to communicate to him how badly he hurt me, he shuts down and says theres nothing wrong with masturbation. I agree theres nothing wrong with that but I feel what he did was completely different. 

Ever since then I feel a huge disconnect between us. It feels like were just roommates. 

Based on the little bit of info I've been able to share what do you think he is feeling about our relationship? I've tried to talk to him on a deeper level about it but he won't communicate with me.


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## Haydawolive (Mar 10, 2019)

I would love to gain some insight from a third person point of view or even advice. Anything at all is appreciated as I am somewhat at a loss as far as what to do.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

They do have something together...... he masturbated to her. This is an EA, emotional affair.

Some people find that to be a deal breaker. His shutting down is an excuse. He does not want to

answer your questions. And you have EVERY right to ask them. Your disconnect is you pulling

away from him. This can very well lead to a separation or D. Your H has got some answering to do.

He has broken your trust. You might want to do some snooping just to see what all has transpired

between them. Where do you stand? Are you considering a separation if he doesn't address this?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Haydawolive Sorry you had to seek us out, but I'm also glad you found us.

Newsflash for your husband... He is a cheat, he is cheating on you.

Even if what he has told you is true, he is still a cheat.

In fact, I am going to move your thread to the Coping With Infidelity section as he is being unfaithful to you and your children.

You will receive a lot of good advice from people who have been through what you are going through.


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## Haydawolive (Mar 10, 2019)

@Chuck71 I have went back and forth in my mind about seperation. Its not something I want but eventually may be necessary. 

If he won't communicate with me or show even an ounce of remorse I feel like its almost impossible to repair.

During the conversations we've had he says he would never cheat on me to be with someone else. He said if he wanted to be with someone else he would just leave me. 

Idk if that was his way trying to be noble or again shutting down. 

But my better judgement is telling me based on what he was hiding from me that he would do anything he could get away with.


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## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

Did he admit that they were definitely his coworker's nudes in his phone? How long ago did this happen?


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## Haydawolive (Mar 10, 2019)

@MattMatt 

Thanks for the warm welcome!

Glad to know that I'm not alone and there is a community of folks willing to listen.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Haydawolive said:


> I confronted him and he said he was going to please himself to her photos. He also said if he wanted to cheat on me he could have while driving her home from work but he insisted he never did. I asked him why and he said he thought she was pretty and was tired of porn. He told me it was innocent and just like watching porn. He says he never cheated on me and he got her selfies from fb. She and him had nothing between eachother.



Seriously???? There is a world of difference between jacking off to porn, which is nude video or pictures of people you will NEVER meet and jacking off to selfies of a woman you work with and have in your car frequently. And if it's not big deal, has he told this woman he plans to jack off to her? And what about the pictures of female genitalia? Are they from her or from the internet? He's full of **** and he knows it which is why he doesn't want to talk about it. Maybe he really thought that just masturbating to her pictures wasn't cheating but it's incredibly hurtful to you. He either faces up to it and figures out how you two can move on or things are just going to get worse and worse.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I think some MC might help if you can get him to agree to go. *hugs*


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## Haydawolive (Mar 10, 2019)

@Jus260

He said the pic of the vag was not hers. He said he pulled it off the internet. Which is hard for me to believe considering they were in an album with her selfies and his penis. 

This happened about 5 months ago. 

Idk what to believe honestly.

I can't let it go and he won't give me closure. So our distance continues to grow and the mistrust is intensifying. 
Not to mention I was PREGNANT when all of this occured.


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## Haydawolive (Mar 10, 2019)

@notmyjamie

I completely agree. His justification for what he did was completely ridiculous and honestly insulting to me.

But the vag pic he claims he pulled off the internet. Can't be confirmed though.

If he was having sexual fantasies about her there is absolutely no reason for him to be alone in the car with her.

But the part of me that wants to give him the benefit of the doubt is saying that masturbation isn't a crime and he never intended to hurt me.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Haydawolive said:


> @Chuck71 I have went back and forth in my mind about seperation. Its not something I want but eventually may be necessary.
> 
> If he won't communicate with me or show even an ounce of remorse I feel like its almost impossible to repair.
> 
> ...


Tell him you either want answers or you are separating. He doesn't even sound apologetic 

that he did those things. There's more to the story. Can you retrieve their text messages.

You are only seeing the above water iceberg. The other 90% is underwater. 

He's lost your trust, you are beginning to shut down (rightfully so), if you stay and rugsweep

this ordeal, you will resent him, I guarantee that. My XW had an EA in 2007. I uncovered it....

I never felt the same about her after that. We filed for D in 2012. I began to shut down, as did she.

When our communication was gone, we were through. 15 years....nothing to show.

That can very well be you..... if you let this go. I wasted five years....I should have D her then.


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## Haydawolive (Mar 10, 2019)

Chuck71 said:


> Haydawolive said:
> 
> 
> > @Chuck71 I have went back and forth in my mind about seperation. Its not something I want but eventually may be necessary.
> ...


I'm already feeling some resentment towards him. 

I guess the hardest part for me is that I thought I knew him, as far has his morals or values.

Never in a million years did I think I would be on the recieving end of such disrespect, especially from him. 

Like I said before he use to be totally invested in us. 

Even if he was just masterbating, no big deal, I can get past that. But if he is willing to betray our marriage in this way without so much as a sorry, what else is he going to do behind my back. 

Also, he can't say he was deprived of sex. I was pregant for practically two years of my life with my kids being so close in age. I really have devoted myself entirely to him and our family. 

Sorry to hear that you had wasted so many years with your ex.

EA are just as crippling as physical ones.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Do a google image and a Tineye search for the vag pic. If it's online it should show up.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Haydawolive said:


> @notmyjamie
> 
> I completely agree. His justification for what he did was completely ridiculous and honestly insulting to me.
> 
> ...


I have no problem with masturbation. It's a normal, healthy thing for adults to engage in. It's not normal for him to do it to pictures of someone he knows personally. I'm sure there are many guys who masturbate to fantasies of women they know but a fantasy is not a picture. And someone who knows about photography better than me might be able to tell you when and on what camera the genital picture was taken. If it was just a few minutes after his penis photo and from the same camera I think you have your answer. It is entirely possible that he really is just clueless enough to think that his behavior is ok. Have you looked at her Facebook page to see if he really got the pictures from there and didn't actually take them himself? 

I guess at this point you have a choice to make. Stay and try to make it work or leave. You could do some further investigating. Check your phone records to see if he has been in contact with this woman a lot, etc. Hire a private investigator to see if he's actively cheating now. There are many here who know all the ins and outs of catching a cheater. Either way, some marriage counseling might help.


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## rwall214 (Mar 10, 2019)

Hi, I don’t have any advice because I’m kind of in the same boat but I just thought it would be nice to let you know you’re not alone, friend. My heart is so heavy for anyone going through this.


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## Haydawolive (Mar 10, 2019)

notmyjamie said:


> Haydawolive said:
> 
> 
> > @notmyjamie
> ...


I'm down to try counseling with him for sure.

But if he won't even talk to me about it, in fact he gets angry, I doubt he will open up to a stranger. Worth a shot though. I'll bring it up to him when he gets home from work. lol I can just hear him now "I work all day and have to come home to this crap!" Then he will tell me I'm paranoid and delusional. 

I'm also a stay at home mom so that adds a lot to the equation. He gets to go to work and do whatever he pleases. I stay home and play with my babies all day.


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## Haydawolive (Mar 10, 2019)

rwall214 said:


> Hi, I don’t have any advice because I’m kind of in the same boat but I just thought it would be nice to let you know you’re not alone, friend. My heart is so heavy for anyone going through this.


Thanks for the encouragement. 

If you don't mind me asking, what is your current situation? Maybe I could offer some friendly advice.


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## rwall214 (Mar 10, 2019)

Haydawolive said:


> rwall214 said:
> 
> 
> > Hi, I don’t have any advice because I’m kind of in the same boat but I just thought it would be nice to let you know you’re not alone, friend. My heart is so heavy for anyone going through this.
> ...


It’s a long story, as they all are lol. I have a thread somewhere on here, still learning how it works. Long story short, we got married and probably shouldn’t have. I found out after we got married that he lied about something big before we got married. It has been a constant issue ever since I found out. I was already considering D, but then the other night we were arguing and he left. He told me was going to the casino, which he did, but on the way home stopped at a strip club and spent hundreds of dollars. He claims he didn’t pay for sex, but I have a hard time believing him. So that’s where I’m at. It’s probably the end for us. This isn’t what I envisioned for myself. And just like you stated in your original post, there was a time when I did feel valued and appreciated. But over the last 18-24 months I feel so small and disconnected. 

However, this is YOUR thread. I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone and I will keep you in my thoughts <3


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## Haydawolive (Mar 10, 2019)

rwall214 said:


> Haydawolive said:
> 
> 
> > rwall214 said:
> ...


Ouch. That is a lot to be concerned about.

Not only the infidelity but also the financial indiscretion.

I would be so livid if my husband blew hundreds of dollars and then paid for sex. 
Of course my husband would say that he earned the money and he gets to spend it the way he wants. All jokes aside though I'm truly sorry to hear that. 

That would be a deal breaker for me. Unforgivable. That is a display of eradic and irresponsible behavior. Not to mention that he would risk your marriage for one night of god knows what.

Also, if he is paying for sex with strippers, I would watch out for STDs. 

Be kind to yourself and do whats right and best for you. Put yourself first. It sounds like he was defintely putting himself first and putting you and your feelings last.

Sending tons of love your way


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Haydawolive said:


> @notmyjamie
> But the part of me that wants to give him the benefit of the doubt is saying that masturbation isn't a crime and he never intended to hurt me.


Except you don't need a psychology degree to understand that if you're sexually attracted to someone other than your spouse, you should be avoiding that person not seeking them out and filling your head up more and more with fantasies of them. Especially when it's a person you work with and have access to.

Question: His texts to her were overly friendly. How did she respond? Did she seem interested in him back or kind of clueless that he was so obsessed with her? 

He's probably sleeping with her (I'm sorry) but in case he's not, I'd be tempted to go have a talk with her and tell her what you found on his phone. *Since masturbation is no big deal, I'm sure your husband won't mind at all when you tell his coworker that he saved pictures of her face and "someone's" genitals in a folder on his phone and told you they were to replace his porn.* Nothing to see here, move along folks...


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## Haydawolive (Mar 10, 2019)

WorkingWife said:


> Haydawolive said:
> 
> 
> > @notmyjamie
> ...


LOL
I really needed that.
You just about summed it up for me.

Sudden realization: He does seem to be obsessed with her.

I also threatened to reach out to her and he convinced me not to. Probably due to the embarrassment he would experience. 

However, the messages I was able to read indicated that she was not returning any of his advances. She seems to be oblivious to his attraction to her. 

He claims he was only being overtly friendly because he is a nice guy.
I told him nice guys don't snatch pictures from fb to jerk off with from unknowing female co workers.

"DROPS THE MIC"


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Haydawolive said:


> I asked him why and he said he thought she was pretty and was tired of porn.


Not to put too fine a point on it, but does he not think you're pretty? Even if two rounds of pregnancy and childbirth have taken their toll, he should think you and only you are the only one pretty enough to want to have sex with. Are you sexually unavailable? Even if so, he must have some pictures of _you _he can spank to?

His rationalizations are utter crap. Don't let him buffalo you into buying into any of that nonsense. He is clearly dishonoring you and dishonoring your union. 

Of course you feel alone under these circumstances. He has clearly left the marriage or at least has one foot squarely out the door with the other following fast. I feel for you.


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## Haydawolive (Mar 10, 2019)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Haydawolive said:
> 
> 
> > I asked him why and he said he thought she was pretty and was tired of porn.
> ...


We have a healthy sex life. I try new things with him all the time. I even let him record us and take pictures. I pretty much give him whatever he wants.

Even when I was pregnant. The night before I had my daughter. 

He can't say that he is deprived.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Haydawolive said:


> We have a healthy sex life. I try new things with him all the time. I even let him record us and take pictures. I pretty much give him whatever he wants.
> 
> Even when I was pregnant. The night before I had my daughter.
> 
> He can't say that he is deprived.


Very sad. You've done more than most wives, and as much as most men dream of. It makes me think he was only thinking of you as his sex provider in the first place, and not as a human being, let alone an equal partner in the union. 

He needs some serious counseling on how to relate to his mate.


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## Haydawolive (Mar 10, 2019)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Haydawolive said:
> 
> 
> > We have a healthy sex life. I try new things with him all the time. I even let him record us and take pictures. I pretty much give him whatever he wants.
> ...


Yes, he is definetely objectifying me in our relationship. 

This was not always the case. So somewhere along the line he grew unsatisfied with me and began seeking someone else.

The real question is if he is seeking something with anybody who comes along or if its something about this particular person that is giving him the feels. 

If he would just communicate with me and be honest and upfront, I could maybe understand how to move forward.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

There is another way to look at this.

He has a folder containing a picture of his own genitals, a photograph of a female colleague who he often gives lifts to and a "random" photograph of a vagina.

Is he a cheat or could he be a potentially dangerous stalker who might be a menace to his colleague?


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## Haydawolive (Mar 10, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> There is another way to look at this.
> 
> He has a folder containing a picture of his own genitals, a photograph of a female colleague who he often gives lifts to and a "random" photograph of a vagina.
> 
> Is he a cheat or could he be a potentially dangerous stalker who might be a menace to his colleague?


I've considered the same scenario. However, I don't believe in my heart of hearts that he would be capable of any malicious intent.

Although, it is a possibility.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

BS -- your husband IS cheating -- even an EA is cheating, and masturbating to someone he works with!!! SERIOUSLY?There is just no defense for that == in NO WAY justifiable. He's lying and trying to placate you with this.
He needs to be remorseful, which he is not.
Tell him if it's no big deal, then he needs to BLOCK her from all communications and get a new job since she works there.
IF he was serious about helping you get past it, he would do that with no problem.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

The fact that he is angry with you over what he did shows that he is lying to you. Even if he wasn't, what you do know for sure is damning enough as it is. On top of that he is mistreating you. You are the one who should be angry.

I recommend you stop having sex with him and make an exit plan. How did you support yourself before the marriage?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Haydawolive said:


> Ouch. That is a lot to be concerned about.
> 
> Not only the infidelity but also the financial indiscretion.
> 
> ...



You should take your own advice.


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## Haydawolive (Mar 10, 2019)

CynthiaDe said:


> The fact that he is angry with you over what he did shows that he is lying to you. Even if he wasn't, what you do know for sure is damning enough as it is. On top of that he is mistreating you. You are the one who should be angry.
> 
> I recommend you stop having sex with him and make an exit plan. How did you support yourself before the marriage?


I've always supported myself by working full time. I even contributed towards our income for the majority of our marriage. I worked up until a week before I had my second child. I only recently became a stay at home mom. My daughter is now 2 months old and my son is 16 months. 

But now that I stay home and he makes the money, its added a whole new tone to our relationship. Aside from the alleged infidelity. Its added more stress and arguments.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It seems that you have married a man with serious character flaws and no sense of what faithfulness means. To act this way so soon is very concerning and if he wont do anything to make it better then its hard to see how this marriage is going to work. 
If he thinks that what he did is ok then what does that say about him?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Do you know if he could be posting your sex pics and/or videos online? Sounds like his mindset...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Haydawolive said:


> I have been with my spouse for 3 going on 4 years. We have 2 small children together. The first couple of years were great. There was passion, mutual respect, communication between us. I felt very loved and appreciated by him. He treated me like gold. I could feel that he valued our relationship.
> 
> After I had my first child, things of course became a little stressful. We were new parents and trying to adjust to our new life as parents AND partners. It was hard for us to balance both identities and we began to neglect our relationship in order to focus on our son. We began to argue more but I always assumed we would work it out.
> 
> ...



I am sorry Hayda but what your WH is doing is cheating, there is no other way to describe it. In addition, how do you know he and she have not already slept together, you need to stop beleiveing him (cheaters lie) and listen to your own gut or intuition. Your H is a teenager in adults clothes, he sounds immature and selfish on many levels, a man child.
I would suggest that you

1. Do the 180 on him
2. Expose his inappropriate infactuation with her to your family and his family (this will hold him accountable)
3. Go see a lawyer as to your options are, you have carried the marriage and his ass for too long and then when you stay home to have kids, he does this, not the behaviour of a sensible adult male
Do not cry, beg, plead etc with him. I know that will be tough but you have to show him that you are willing to move forward without him and be able to do so, let him wonder about what he is going to lose
4. Do not listen to him, contact the OW and say that your H has an inappropriate infactuation, he will be angry but he needs to be knocked into sense, who cares if his ego crumbles, he has no qualms about your pain, let him grapple with some home truths.
5. Get counselling for yourself and rely on the support of your family and friends, bounce him to the kerb, maybe he will wake up and realise what he is losing, get some therapy for his unhealthy obsession and grow up


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Haydawolive said:


> I'm down to try counseling with him for sure.
> 
> But if he won't even talk to me about it, in fact he gets angry, I doubt he will open up to a stranger. Worth a shot though. I'll bring it up to him when he gets home from work. lol I can just hear him now "*I work all day and have to come home to this crap!" Then he will tell me I'm paranoid and delusional. *
> 
> I'm also a stay at home mom so that adds a lot to the equation. He gets to go to work and do whatever he pleases. I stay home and play with my babies all day.


Typical guilt speak. "Well sweetheart I wouldn't be asking questions had I not caught 

you yanking your spanky to another woman. Were you ever planning on telling me this?"

He never would have told you jack. He is defensive because there are other things you hadn't

discovered. Have you considered contacting this female to ask what has occurred? She may lie, may not.

Set up an appointment with a M counselor. Tell him the date and time. You show up.

If he doesn't, that tells you how he feels about your M. Do NOT rugsweep this....it will snowball if not

addressed.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

SunnyT said:


> You should take your own advice.


One thing I learned when I came here.....very easy to give advice...very hard to follow it yourself.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Haydawolive said:


> I've always supported myself by working full time. I even contributed towards our income for the majority of our marriage. I worked up until a week before I had my second child. I only recently became a stay at home mom. My daughter is now 2 months old and my son is 16 months.
> 
> But now that I stay home and he makes the money, its added a whole new tone to our relationship. Aside from the alleged infidelity. Its added more stress and arguments.


I work.... you sit on your ass at home. Yeah... tell him to quit work and deal with two kids,

clean the damn house, cook, clean, run errands, etc. No way I could pull that off.

I'd rather work 50-60 hours a week. Since he makes all the $, he calls all the shots.

I think not....


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Haydawolive said:


> I've always supported myself by working full time. I even contributed towards our income for the majority of our marriage. I worked up until a week before I had my second child. I only recently became a stay at home mom. My daughter is now 2 months old and my son is 16 months.
> 
> But now that I stay home and he makes the money, its added a whole new tone to our relationship. Aside from the alleged infidelity. Its added more stress and arguments.


You haven't been out of the workforce for long, so you should be fine in going back to work. I know it's not fun, but it's better than being in an abusive relationship, which is what this is. 

What your husband is doing to you is known as gaslighting. He is turning reality into something that you cannot pin down, which is crazy making behavior. Considering the change in your husband's attitude towards you, there is less than a 1% chance that he hasn't been sexually involved with at least one other woman. That character change is the result of his deviant behavior. He is deviating from the committed, loving husband he was and is now seeing you in a very negative light. That's what happens when people cheat. They also change the whole situation around in what is called "rewriting history," in order to make it all your fault. They use blame shifting to accomplish this. You need to read some books and get a handle on what's really going on, so you can respond with strength and not from fear. He wants you in a position of fear, so he can manipulate the situation, but you stick around here and follow what you know is the right advice and you'll be fine.

Yes, it hurts like hell and you're going to go through it, but when you're going through hell, don't stop in the middle. Keep on going until you are through to the other side.

Edit to add: See an attorney before you say another word to your husband. Buy a book on divorce in your state and know your rights and responsibilities. If you want any chance of saving the marriage, you are going to have to play hard ball and turn the table on your husband. Letting him be in charge of your life and putting you in a position of weakness so he can walk all over you is wrong and doesn't have to continue. The only way he will ever shape up is if there are harsh consequences for his horrible attitude and behavior.


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## Haydawolive (Mar 10, 2019)

Update: I mentioned the possiblity of counseling to my husband.

He did give me an immediate response. Nothing dramatic and he didn't immediately refuse.

He simply asked "Why?"

To which I replied "To make our relationship stronger."

Then he said "Whatever you want." 

That was the end of the conversation.

Not what I was expecting. Neither a great success nor an excruciating fail.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Haydawolive said:


> During the conversations we've had he says he would never cheat on me to be with someone else. He said if he wanted to be with someone else he would just leave me.
> 
> Idk if that was his way trying to be noble or again shutting down.
> 
> But my better judgement is telling me based on what he was hiding from me that he would do anything he could get away with.


This is like shooting someone in the gut and they survive.

Then when the police try to charge you with attempted murder, you say you are innocent because if you had intended to murder them you would've shot them in the head. 


It is shutting you down to get you to drop it so he gets away with it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

As a research project, look up the term DARVO.

See if he is employing those tactics on you.

DARVO is on page 3 of The Cheater's Playbook and is an almost universal tactic used to get a suspicious BS off of their back.


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## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

Haydawolive said:


> Update: I mentioned the possiblity of counseling to my husband.
> 
> He did give me an immediate response. Nothing dramatic and he didn't immediately refuse.
> 
> ...



He admitted to his wife that he masturbates to his coworker and he doesn't know why you want to go to counseling? If he walked into the bedroom where you were masturbating to a picture of your neighbor, would he be cool with that? The answer seems obvious but in this case I'm not so sure.


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## Haydawolive (Mar 10, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> As a research project, look up the term DARVO.
> 
> See if he is employing those tactics on you.
> 
> DARVO is on page 3 of The Cheater's Playbook and is an almost universal tactic used to get a suspicious BS off of their back.


I did breifly research DARVO.

DENY
ATTACK
REVERSE 
VICTIM
OFFENDER

The source I read established the concept around sex addiction. Thus leading into the physcological/emotional abuse that can stem from said addiction.

The thought has crossed my mind quite a few times that he might be a sex addict. But everytime I considered the possibilty, I immediately feel pity for him and disregard the possibility.

I think he is unconciously employing those tactics.


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

Haydawolive said:


> @notmyjamieBut the vag pic he claims he pulled off the internet. *Can't be confirmed though*.



Yes, it can be confirmed. At least it is possible.

Do you have the pictures? Can you access the pictures?

If you can, you can access the "EXIF Data"

When digital camera, phone or otherwise, shoots a photos, there is metadata embeded in the photo, which may include the type of camera, the coordinates/location where it was shot, and much more.

You can get a free EXIF data viewer here: Exif Data Viewer - view&edit Exif data

If the photos were shot on the same type of camera or phone, there you go. If the photos were shot on two different cameras/phones there you go.

And if the photos were shot on the same type of phone your husband has... well there you go.

I would also run a recovery on your husband's phone to recever deleted texts, images, videos, Whatsapp etc., using the software "Fonelab". Don't use Dr. Phone, it sucks.

Good luck to you @Haydawolive.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Haydawolive said:


> I did breifly research DARVO.
> 
> DENY
> ATTACK
> ...


I think you are having quite a bit of denial and are grasping at straws in an attempt to not have to deal with the realities here.

DARVO is an almost universal tactic of cheaters. 

"Sex Addict" is just a sanitized term for someone who behaves inappropriately sexually so that they can blame their bad behavior on a supposed disease. 

His behavior is NOT UNCONSCIOUS. He is deliberatly DARVOing you because it works to get you off his back.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Haydawolive said:


> Update: I mentioned the possiblity of counseling to my husband.
> 
> He did give me an immediate response. Nothing dramatic and he didn't immediately refuse.
> 
> ...


Hayda, just wanted to check, how many times does he give this woman a lift to or from work. Giving lifts to colleagues is a prime avenue for affairs. You need to do more digging, there is so much more to be exposed. He is refusing to communicate because he is as guilty as sin and wants to shut you down in case he lets anything more slip. Be like a dog with a bone, record everything surreptitiously, take notes, look for inconsistencies, etc.
Going to counseling is not going to solve the issue, handing him divorce papers and exposing his ass will.


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## Zodiac (Dec 7, 2018)

Haydawolive said:


> I did breifly research DARVO.
> 
> DENY
> ATTACK
> ...


He does know what he's doing. It's not an unconscious thing. If you're a caretaker/fixer and hes a manipulator/narc (cluster B personality), its easy mode for him. 

That being said with you constantly going through these actions, you're slowly being diminished as a person, which can make you do things. That will actually make you the BAD GUY. (been on that ride)

IF he wont go to get help or try and make it work. LEAVE HIM. I wish i left her. 

I wont go into the 3 paragraphs of how i know this, but i was with someone who yelled in my face, used love and affection as weapons, ignored me and when it did finally end again I had just re-engaged on a loving level, but she was done. I had a mild break. I wasn't perfect. Me trying to communicate with someone like that made me use someone else as a weapon. No one thinks I'm a bad guy and I know that i could have cheated but didn't, even the coworker/OW/EA for me said she would have tried and seduce me but she thinks I would have turned her down. I didn't end up with her, as is mostly the case, we actually never even kissed or hung out other then once. I went full on emotional abused person and emotion dumped on her. I feel bad, but she was my empathetic listener. 

Just leave you cant make someone Love and Respect you, you just are miserable until you find someone who will respect you and be empathetic and then it's a turkey shoot. 

If you want it to work with your husband I would read these, If i had these books 5 years ago maybe could have saved the relationship. 
"Stop care taking the Borderline Narcissist and start living" *if you make excuses for him, on the small stuff in relationships.*
"Codependent no more"
"not just friends" *He needs to read this if he wants to understand.*

These books helped me heal and acknowledged things:
"psychopath free"

as a man i also needed:
No more Mr. Nice Guy
12 Simple Rules. 

Be strong and leave if he wont give you everything you need.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Zodiac said:


> He does know what he's doing. It's not an unconscious thing. If you're a caretaker/fixer and hes a manipulator/narc (cluster B personality), its easy mode for him.
> 
> That being said with you constantly going through these actions, you're slowly being diminished as a person, which can make you do things. That will actually make you the BAD GUY. (been on that ride)
> 
> ...


Zodiac's recommendations are spot on! I would add the book "His Needs, Her Needs" may be on PdF

Masturbating to her vagina pics are about the worst thing you could do minus actual intercourse.

He is visualizing her.....imagining what he would do to it..... There may be pics of them actually

doing something, if they did. From your replies, it is clear if he did sleep with her, you're out the door.

But.....how would he know her pics were posted on-line? What female posts nudes on her personal page.....

unless she is in porn. If she works where he does, then it ain't a porn studio. IMO.... this is worse

than popping it to porn. At least in porn you don't know the person and have zero emotion involved.

Not the case with the "hitch a ride gal." I am almost certain she sent these to him.

They either have gotten together or are planning to. -Here honey look what you'll get-

An EA headed right to a PA. You just caught it before the PA (I hope).

Try this..... tell him you have spoken to the girl and she told you everything. Now you want it from him.

And if you trickle truth me, I will file for a D first thing in the morning. Don't believe me.....try me.

Edit...... @turnera


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, you can read my story if you want but I recognize his attitude and reactions because my now ex hb gave me the same attitude when I found communications with an ex gf going back our entire 13 year relationship.

And I tried to deal with very much like you. 

Didn't work. 

My ex lied, gaslighted, repeatedly changed his story to admit to what I knew, got mad when I didn't believe him and refused counseling.

He finally agreed when he sensed me pulling away but didn't really participate much, and changed his story again during counseling. At one point the counselor looked at me and in front of him said "life, you have to decide if you can live with never knowing the full truth".

A guy with nothing more to hide might have spoken up and said she does know everything. Not my ex though.... he sat there in silence.

I divorced him last fall, and am much happier. I realized that he's not a person of integrity and lacks empathy. Even if I let the ex go I was still married to a guy who lacked integrity.

That's what you have....a guy who lacks integrity. 

File for divorce and watch him feign a sudden interest in counseling. IMO the way he's reacted is consistent with what I had.....a guy who lacks integrity and empathy. Decide if you can live with that.

If not don't waste any more of your life with this guy.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

People who do what he's done don't usually want a divorce -- they just want some excitement on the side (in whatever way that might appeal to him) while maintaining all the comforts of home. What they don't want is the boredom of everyday life so even if this situation goes away it's entirely possible another situation will take its place. 

Maybe he will realize what he could lose and grow up but if I were in your situation I would not want to be financially dependent on someone like him.


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## Nrecnocymton (Jan 12, 2017)

“So, Mr. Haydawolive, let’s look at it from this perspective. I have a new job I’m starting at ABC corporation. After a few months working there I discover a fellow co-worker lives nearby. I offer to drive him into work regularly. By the way, did I mention what an absolute hunk he is? So handsome in fact that I saved numerous pictures of him I accessed from his Facebook account. The ones with his shirt off showing his six-pack are my favorite. Since I haven’t seen what his package looks like, I copied and saved a picture of one I really like from a porn site. The thought of him and that possible package makes me get myself off to some very powerful orgasms. You can be assured though that I’d never actually cheat on you. I was serious when I took our vows. So please don’t let it bother you that he’ll be in my car over 200 days each year. Nothing will happen.”


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