# Having "the talk" with your teen; book suggestions?



## BeachGuy

One of my daughters is almost 14 and we haven't had "the talk" with her yet. Honestly it didn't occur to me until my counselor asked me yesterday. The counselor said when her son was that age, she found a neat little book and left it in his room to read. I can't recall the title and thought I'd ask here if anyone has a good recommendation?

She's a great kid but isn't quite in to boys yet. She's not real girly-girl...but she has made comments about boys and the whole liking/not liking thing.


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## All of a sudden

I know it may be hard, but just talk to her outright. Books are great but kinda closes the open communication,like if she has questions would she be too embarrassed to ask.

My daughter is almosr 15 son is 12.. I have always told them the basics. My son asked me yesterday, " what does the carpet match the drapes mean?" I said you sure you want To know? Thats my key phrase that means he is probably going to be embarresed by my answer. I say it in front of all my kids. I tell my daughter that any guy that ever comes to pick you up will get the dollar store alcohol and pot pee test. Ive told them all my mistakes from when i was there age, they were huge.
What has happened my 14 year old tells me everything so far. She told me a friend she grew up with is now smoking pot, another girl is sexting pictures to her boyfriend( great child porngrophy) luckily her parents found out or i would have had to tell them.
If you comfortable just talkfreely, laugh about embarrasing stuff but open the lines of communication.
I think there is a book called What every woman should know about her body. Forgot author. Good luck !


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## BeachGuy

SimplyAmorous said:


> The 1st question is... what do you want to Teach her? What values do you want her to have/ hold/ live as a teen in regards to her sexuality?
> 
> Most people today are fine with casual sex... I am a parent who frowns on that... it was not a part of our lifestyle in our youth , nor would I choose for it to be for our daughter....


I was asking about how to talk to her about the subject as opposed to what to teach her. I know what’s proper and what’s not. I think I’d have to disagree with your statement that “most people” are fine with casual sex. 



> Anyway, in the slightest chance you take a more conservative view on this... This is my thread


I’m pretty conservative and was raised that way.


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## Hope1964

Not exactly what you are looking for I don't think, but I got my daughter this book when she was about 13?? or so

Toni Weschler&apos;s Cycle Savvy: The Smart Teen&apos;s Guide to the Mysteries of Her Body

As for the subject of sex, you might be surprised what they've already taught in school. One of my sons asked me what a female orgasm was when he was in grade 6


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## meson

We used "A Child is Born" by Lennart Nilsson which has really cool photos of the whole process. It's not a book to read to learn about it but it serves to backup what we said happens. We would say some stuff then show pictures. We thought the pictures really said more and engaged their mind about it. We however started the "talk" much earlier when they were in elementary school before the school sex talks started. We wanted to be known as the source to go to for questions. There would be multiple sessions over a few years trailered to what they would need to know at the time or were interested in according to their maturity.


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## SimplyAmorous

BeachGuy said:


> I was asking about how to talk to her about the subject as opposed to what to teach her. I know what’s proper and what’s not. I think I’d have to disagree with your statement that “most people” are fine with casual sex.


 I've been ridiculed on this forum for not believing in giving my daughter birth control at age 15...told I was a naive parent/ what is wrong with me..."what if she is raped?" they say...... maybe it depends on where you live....the bigger cities feel this way more so... much of this falls under the guise of "empowerment" of women, learning what they want before they settle down.

I would say it is the norm on the majority of our College Campuses today.


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## BeachGuy

SimplyAmorous said:


> I've been ridiculed on this forum for not believing in giving my daughter birth control at age 15...told I was a naive parent/ what is wrong with me..."what if she is raped?" they say...... maybe it depends on where you live....the bigger cities feel this way more so... much of this falls under the guise of "empowerment" of women, learning what they want before they settle down.
> 
> I would say it is the norm on the majority of our College Campuses today.


Honey, we've all been ridiculed on this forum! Anyone that gives you crap about not putting your 15 y/o on birth control has no business raising kids or dishing out parental advice. Unless of course you know for a fact she's sexually active. Different circumstance. Then you have to protect her from her own poor choices.

It disgusts me to see how some kids are allowed to behave. And I know if they were raised by responsible parents, they wouldn't behave that way. And you see it every day, anytime you go out in public.


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## that_girl

Talk to her.  Should have talked to her 6 years ago. But have a talk. Don't be awkward. You have sex. You like sex. She's a sexual being and education is SO IMPORTANT with this. My 13 year old has been educated on sex and sex acts for a long while. When she started middle school I was all about teaching her the slang of things...education.

But it shouldn't be a talk...but an on going conversation. 

I'm sure she already knows what sex is  She knows the basics, I'm sure-- but ask anyway. 14 is old. Tell her about other things too--- STDs, pregnancy, emotions, etc. I am conservative about sex...but...the world is around my child. She needs to be educated. About all the things regarding sex.

I don't know any books. We just talk in this house.

The thing is, you say you will tell her appropriate things. She's 14. She'll be an adult in 4 years. She needs to know (she probably already knows) things that aren't so appropriate. Curiosity killed the cat, and the such. 

As a teacher, I have seen and heard what kids talk about. Oye. The talks were age appropriate in my child's life, but at 14...she can handle the big stuff.

"A Child is Born" is a great book. However, it's beautiful and amazing. Pregnancy is awful (the stuff they don't tell you). More teens should know about that stuff.


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## SimplyAmorous

This sounds like a decent book right here >>

S.E.X.: The All-You-Need-To-Know Progressive Sexuality Guide to Get You Through High School and College:



> Have you ever wondered… Am I normal? (and what is "normal," anyway?) What's up down there? I really like girls, but I like boys sometimes, too. Am I gay, bisexual, or just messed up? Are we both really ready to have sex? Is it ok if I masturbate? I feel like I can't ever say no to my partner. What's the problem? Heather Corinna and Scarleteen.com have been providing sex education and information for young adults, parents, and mentors for nearly ten years. Whether you're straight, gay, sexually active, or just plain curious, S.E.X. spells out everything you need to know, including:
> 
> A sexual readiness checklist Illustrations of female and male reproductive anatomy How to love your body, even when it's changing every day Tips on safer sex for body, heart, and mind An in-depth birth control breakdown How to create and enjoy the relationships that are right for you Popular mechanics of partnered sex: sexual activities explained, including pregnancy and STI risks STIs 101: what they are and how to keep yourself from getting them


From taking a look at the reviews - it sounds like the author does not use any moralistic viewpoint (some parents will want this....some will not)...what this reviewer said stood out to me...



> I'm not a teenager anymore, but in some ways I think some of my attitudes about sex are still rooted in what a learned about it as a teen. I was influenced by the ingrained shame and fear that was thinly veiled in my parents' attempts to infuse me with clinical knowledge about sex, and carried away by my own generation's sexual experimentation and freedom.
> 
> It was a funky mix, and my god, I wish I'd had this book when I was young. *Heather Corinna's book is open and progressive, but doesn't hold one or the other form (kinky or not, straight or not) as sacrosanct. Heather clearly sees sex as an individual thing - yours, not anyone else's, so you get to own it.* She comes from a grounding in the idea that sex is a natural and beautiful part of our lives.
> 
> I got this book because I was invited to the Seattle release party and have been impressed with Heather and Scarleteen for a long time now, but I find I refer to it even as an adult who has supposedly figured much of this stuff out. It always reminds me to respect myself, to bring my boundaries and desires to the table, and to have fun with sex.
> 
> *I sincerely think that how we handle our sexuality has ripple effects into how we handle the rest of our lives. I think this book is a gift to society. Seriously.*




This book on the other hand >> Sex: A Book for Teens: An Uncensored Guide to Your Body, Sex, and Safety:  had various reviews like this 



> I know there are all kind of mind sets. I personally found his book terrible to give to a teenager. I think is basically an open invitation for an early start in all kinds of sexual acts that a kid is not mentally and emotionally ready for.






BeachGuy said:


> Honey, we've all been ridiculed on this forum! Anyone that gives you crap about not putting your 15 y/o on birth control has no business raising kids or dishing out parental advice. Unless of course you know for a fact she's sexually active. Different circumstance. Then you have to protect her from her own poor choices.
> 
> It disgusts me to see how some kids are allowed to behave. And I know if they were raised by responsible parents, they wouldn't behave that way. And you see it every day, anytime you go out in public.


 I THINK like you Beach Guy..I don't mind some ridicule though... it just makes me want to come back a little stronger with a different perspective...that I feel is just as valid -even if not so popular today....there are a variety of sexual lenses people look through (did a thread on that  HERE . Personally I find it all very fascinating....

I agree with That Girl, this should be an Ongoing discussion...free flowing in the house somehow...as our children grow...this lifts the awkwardness from it. Our sons joke about sex freely in front of me & their dad.. we like it this way...and we sit down & discuss... debate various issues/ situations/ teen challenges.. I allow them free expression to their views, even to argue with me....this helps me know where our kids are at... I think the teens years are the most enjoyable of them all !


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

I agree with the on-going discussion of sex, body parts, etc. It has been going-on since my daughter was born (literally).

She has breasts (not titties, not boobies, not boobs, they're breasts...there's nothing funny about them.) She also has a vagina (not a wee-wee, or a pee-pee or a 'down there' or anything else.)

Guys have pen1ses and testicles. She's seen her dad's occasionally(walking out of the shower), NOT a big deal .

I have ALWAYS told her: There's only 2 kinds of people in the world, people built like us and people built like them. That's it. It's a given, like elbows, ear lobes, appendices, nostrils, lots of body parts all with a function.

Once you get PAST the discomfort of calling body parts by their right names (if you even HAVE that hang-up) and acknowledging that people DO, IN FACT, have sex....it's ALL easy after that. just answer questions AS THEY COME UP. I've been answering her direct questions since she was probably 6 or 7yo. Before then, she didn't really HAVE questions.

Good luck and for other posters checking in...START EARLY, TALK OFTEN (5-6 times a year as the occasion crops up).


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## Lyris

Sorry, maybe I'm misunderstanding you, but are you saying you haven't talked to your almost 14 year old about the basics of sex? About how women get pregnant, what the different body parts do?

What about her menstrual cycle? Does she get her period? Does she know what it's for? 

Again, maybe I've misunderstood, but seems like really irresponsible parenting.

Anyway, here's a good website. Birds + Bees + Kids


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## Holland

What sort of program do they have at her school? The school my son goes to starts a comprehensive program in Year 7 (age 12) and it continues for a few years. They learn all about the biology of reproduction, periods, sex, respect for self and of a partner, relationships, not pressuring others into sex, not being pressured into sex etc. It is a fantastic program.

It is done in an open, non confrontational and respectful way.


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## BeachGuy

Lyris said:


> Sorry, maybe I'm misunderstanding you, but are you saying you haven't talked to your almost 14 year old about the basics of sex? About how women get pregnant, what the different body parts do?
> 
> What about her menstrual cycle? Does she get her period? Does she know what it's for?
> 
> Again, maybe I've misunderstood, but seems like really irresponsible parenting.
> 
> Anyway, here's a good website. Birds + Bees + Kids


No that is not correct. My stbx has talked to her about the "basics" as she told me. And of course when she started her menstural cycles a few years ago, they talked all about that. We've just never talked to her about actual sexual acts and how easy it is for girls to get pregnant and the dangers of std's and stuff. I personally haven't talked to her about any of it. I left that up to my wife. But...I have no issue broaching the subject with her.

I feel pretty certain she knows most of it. Just from her friends and at school. She's told me they talk about stuff in science and biology. But she said sometimes her teacher will respond to questions with "That's where I'm going to stop. Ask your parents the rest." I just want to make sure she knows "all" of it.


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## Lyris

Oh, okay. Whew! 

Anyway, that website has lots of good stuff on it.


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## Holland

BeachGuy said:


> No that is not correct. My stbx has talked to her about the "basics" as she told me. And of course when she started her menstural cycles a few years ago, they talked all about that. We've just never talked to her about actual sexual acts and how easy it is for girls to get pregnant and the dangers of std's and stuff. I personally haven't talked to her about any of it. I left that up to my wife. But...I have no issue broaching the subject with her.
> 
> I feel pretty certain she knows most of it. Just from her friends and at school. She's told me they talk about stuff in science and biology. * But she said sometimes her teacher will respond to questions with "That's where I'm going to stop. Ask your parents the rest." * I just want to make sure she knows "all" of it.


That's terrible. So is there no program at her school for issues surrounding sex ed etc?


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## EleGirl

SimplyAmorous said:


> I've been ridiculed on this forum for not believing in giving my daughter birth control at age 15...told I was a naive parent/ what is wrong with me..."what if she is raped?" they say...... maybe it depends on where you live....the bigger cities feel this way more so... much of this falls under the guise of "empowerment" of women, learning what they want before they settle down.
> 
> I would say it is the norm on the majority of our College Campuses today.


Unfortunately my 15 year old step daugter got bc from the school nurse. We were never told. I found them hidden in her bedroom.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

The "My body, my self books are a pretty good start."
I like to give them younger, like about 10 -12.
Don't assume she knows all the basics.
Also not just about females, she should understand male anatomy and function as well.


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## EnjoliWoman

Mine has been an ongoing conversation. No book required. She'd see something on TV or overhear other kids and ask about it. It has been going on since she was 5 and first asked where babies came from. Our counselor told me to answer her questions simply, clearly and in an age appropriate way. When she stops asking follow up questions, she knows enough. This has worked for us and now she asks very detailed and specific questions about both male and female bodies, certain sex acts, etc. It's less awkward when it's been happening lots of years vs. a one-time data dump.

Opps, read back. I'd say the most important things to tell her at this point are:

1. yes you CAN get pregnant the first time and even before your first period if the timing is right
2. yes you CAN get pregnant without intercourse - this involves a discussion of pre-cvm.
3. yes you CAN get an STD from oral sex and oral sex is still sex

My daughter also knows when she's at a party (although she hasn't been invited to a teen party yet) to watch her drink!!! Get a bottled drink or punch she knows others are drinking and are fine. and NEVER leave her cup. EVER. She knows about date rape drugs.
Also to never leave a friend even if they ask her to. 

So much more than just sex to talk about at this age.


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## BeachGuy

Holland said:


> That's terrible. So is there no program at her school for issues surrounding sex ed etc?


Idk....I didn't find it so terrible. I think too many parents rely on the school to raise their children for them and when the kids don't make good grades, those parents blast the teachers even though the parents themselves didn't pay attention (on a DAILY basis) to their kids school work and homewook. I help my 10 y/o nightly with her homework if she needs it. The almost-14-year-old is very responsible and does all of her homework on her own these days, but when she was younger I helped her a lot too. They're not the teachers children. They're MY children.


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## BeachGuy

EleGirl said:


> Unfortunately my 15 year old step daugter got bc from the school nurse. We were never told. I found them hidden in her bedroom.


OMG!!! I would be LIVID if that happened! And there would be one school nurse who would think twice before ever doing that again!


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## Holland

BeachGuy said:


> Idk....I didn't find it so terrible. I think too many parents rely on the school to raise their children for them and when the kids don't make good grades, those parents blast the teachers even though the parents themselves didn't pay attention (on a DAILY basis) to their kids school work and homewook. I help my 10 y/o nightly with her homework if she needs it. The almost-14-year-old is very responsible and does all of her homework on her own these days, but when she was younger I helped her a lot too. They're not the teachers children. They're MY children.


That's good but we do look at this from a different POV. 

We send our children to schools that take a wholistic approach to the child, not just their academics. My kids are high achievers academically anyway. 
The programs they do are very much about self respect and doing this in a peer setting is extremely beneficial for the kids. This way they get to have really open and honest discussion in a safe environment with their peers, males and females. I have to say my 15 year old son has a better understanding of sex, reproduction and the emotional issues surrounding it than most men twice his age.
I am blow away by the comprehensive content of the subject teachings at our school. 

At home we have very open dialogue if the kids want it but that is in addition to the all rounded learning they do at school.


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## SimplyAmorous

coffee4me said:


> They went something like this:
> He explained in his warm and humerous way that most boys are after one thing.  That they will say they love you to get it. That most girls are all about their heart and they will believe they are in love but its really just raging hormones and a reaction to some dude telling you how pretty you are. If I really believed that a guy loved me and thought it would be "ok" to have sex with him. Then I should have no problem having him come around to meet my dad. He would be able to tell me if the guy loved me or like most boys/men just wanted one thing. :rofl:
> 
> You get the idea. Sounds so funny to me now but really the information he told me in those talks would *NOT* have been the same coming from my mother. He was a guy telling me straight up what guys think and how they act. One other message I got loud and clear. My dad talked to me and told me what I needed to know because he loved me.


I may be a Mom & not a Dad looking out for his beautiful little angel... but I so understand MEN & those raging sex drives...this talk too can be graced through a mother...My thread







has the







of that message your Dad gave you...A very needed one. :thumbup: 

My husband wouldn't go into as much detail as me... Also... he was never the type to "use" a woman looking for one thing... although he is not naive...he realizes most BOYS are LIKE THIS.... I so look forward to her dating yrs...our daughter will be one well informed little Misses. I hope she uses what she learns well. ....As young







can be so blinding.


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## SimplyAmorous

EleGirl said:


> Unfortunately my 15 year old step daugter got bc from the school nurse. We were never told. I found them hidden in her bedroom.


You mean *condoms* surely? Although I have older Fashioned views on Sex / teens & waiting... I would still choose for my children to take advantage of the Sex Education offered in High school...

I've never had a desire to Home School or sign papers that our kids could not participate in any Programs shown or Education given.... I am also not surprised if /when free condoms are given out...this would not insult me... 

I would rather the teens without discipline or responsibility have access to them - than not... I also do not feel our children would JUMP - just because they got their hands on a free condom...I am banking much on how we teach them/ our families example.... 

Here are some facts >> School Condom Availability



> *Condom Availability Programs Are Common.*
> 
> Advocates for Youth National School Condom Availability Clearinghouse has found 418 public schools in the U.S. that make condoms available to students.
> 
> Condoms are made available through different strategies: school nurse, 54 percent; teachers, 52 percent; counselors, 47 percent; other health workers, 29 percent; principals, 27 percent; other school personnel, 13 percent; bowls and baskets, 5 percent; vending machines, 3 percent; and by students, 2 percent.
> 
> In 81 percent of schools, some type of parental consent is required before a student can acquire a condom.
> 
> *In 71 percent of the schools, all students have access to condoms, except those whose parents deny permission in writing ("opt-out").*
> 
> In 10 percent, students have access only with written permission of their parents ("opt-in").
> 
> In 98 percent of schools with condom availability programs, students may receive counseling.
> 
> In 49 percent of the schools, counseling is mandatory for condom receipt.
> 
> Counseling commonly includes information on abstinence, instruction on proper storage and use of condoms, and, in some schools, a demonstration on using condoms.


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## Wiltshireman

We have had "the talk" with both our daughters and with our eldest son. We try and do this before they do the school "Sex Ed" classes (at 10 - 11 in the UK) as in my opinion they concentrate to much on the mechanics and not enough on the emotional / spiritual.


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## Doingmybest

EleGirl said:


> Unfortunately my 15 year old step daugter got bc from the school nurse. We were never told. I found them hidden in her bedroom.


While being furious with the school and terrified at the prospect of a sexually active 15 year old, you should be a least a little proud that the girl was responsible enough to get the b/c. That's way more forethought than a lot of kids have.

How did you deal with the situation?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink

So many issues raised in this thread....

When your child begins to be interested in romantic attachments that is the time to start teaching the safe boundaries that you feel are age appropriate. At what age is it okay to kiss on the cheek. How about lips, how about French kiss? At what age is it appropriate to touch a girls breasts over the clothes, under the clothes, topless. 

Yikes, Have I made everyone completely uncomfortable yet?

If you find it difficult to make these judgment calls, how hard is it for your child to make the RIGHT decision when the date and the friends say "yes do it?"

When your child is in a position where enough privacy can be arranged so some kissing and hugging can take place, you won't be there. So you have to take them there, figuratively, well before hand.

Banket bans on behaviors can work, abstinence, but they really need to be employed with coping skills, negotiating skills, assertiveness skills. Teaching abstinence should not preclude teaching about sex, sexuality, sexual decision making, and sexual health.

When it comes to sex, there is no such thing as too much information. Information is power. Arm your kids so they have the strength to make the right decision and keep themselves safe.


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## northernlights

One of my favorite stories that my parents told us about their first date was that at the end, my dad tried to kiss my mom. And my mom shot him down with a "Kiss you? I just met you!" What a great way to learn that my mother had a firm boundary about kissing guys when she was younger!

I think dads are in a great position to talk to their daughters about what to expect from their boyfriends, in terms of being treated well and respected. She should know how to defend herself if she ever finds herself with a guy who's not respecting her boundaries. My dad taught me that. Constantly, lol. But I always felt empowered when I was with guys that no means no, and I could back that up with physical action--anything from getting up and leaving to calling for help to a kick to the groin. My dad never said he would kick a guys butt for crossing a line, he empowered me to take care of that for myself, before any lines were even crossed.


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