# Is your Husband (or wife) in denial about your EA?



## empty3 (Mar 12, 2013)

My H and I seem to be on track. 

After many outbursts, tears, thoughts of separation and despair, there have been some conversations that have led to us both feeling settled (I feel more stable and he appears to be ok?).

Admittedly, we are distracted right now as we have alot of domestic activity this week and have been very busy, but throughtout this we have been getting along and physical intamacy has been regular (when it never used to be).

I think I'm slowly coming out of the "fog". It would seem I'm having trouble "letting go" (still checking AP online status etc) I feel embarrased about this but it's a consolation to NC, which is now 9 weeks. It is getting better, and the best thing is I CAN see a time where I will do this less and less. There is some light I know. I'm still kinda stuck, but determined to stick to NC and work hard on my M. I know this will all take time and I'm willing to put in the hard work.

I need some help/advice/input regarding my H's absolute resolve not to mention the EA. I told him about it in a heated argument a few weeks ago, at that time he asked me for details and I told him it's irrelevant. Since then he has not brought it up at all. During another heated fight a week ago he mentioned something about a "fling" and "insignificant". He is obviously minimising this in his head as a way of coping. Deeming it insignificant as an ego saving tactic? Refusing to believe it ever happened so he doesnt have to face up to it?

Can any men out there help me understand his behaviour? How should I deal with it?

I mentioned to him casually a few days ago "I know you shelf things in your head in order to not have to deal with them, you just dont think about stuff and it's easy for you not to, but do you ever think they might come back to bite you in the a**?"

His response "It never has in the past" (?)

He seem's to just want to move on. I do feel there is a huge pink elephant in the room that is being ignored. He is a classic rugsweeper, completely avoids any type of confrontation on all levels. But this is just weird.

I feel like it's hard to move on. He is not holding me responsible or accountable for my actions. I feel terrible and want to make it up to him. I am 100% transparent, he has all my passwords, schedules, emails are open etc.

I fear we are building up our M again on a wobbly foundation but I cant make him talk.

Is it ok for some people to just deal with these things internally?

I'm really confused.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

I'm a WW, recovering from an emotional affair. My husband did some of the same things after a few weeks. He didn't want to address any of the issues of our marriage. 

Some people don't WANT to talk about things that painful. It means bringing stuff to light that might hurt. He might have suspicions about your thoughts and feelings for the AP and he doesn't want to cement them. 

Have you ever posted in CWI section? It can be rough but I found a some kind WS and BS who support me when I get tempted to contact om. 

Good luck


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Very interesting question! I wonder if refusing to talk about it is his version of putting it in priority? Like he doesn't want to see you so much as a WW but simply as HIS wife, the same woman he married, the same woman he's always loved... By talking about it he would be forced to see you in a way that he doesn't WANT to see you....? Does that kind of make sense to you?

Secondary to his need to see you as you always have been, is his desire not to see what marriage issues might have prompted your affair. If he doesn't talk about it, is it possible that he then doesn't have to look at his role in the marriage issues that made an affair possible?

I would suggest you check the reasons why you need to talk about with him. Do you need his reassurance? Do you need to vent about residual guilt? Do you need to have continued signs of his absolution of the sin? Do you feel talking with him about it will strengthen your resolve to be a better wife to him?


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

> I told him about it in a heated argument a few weeks ago, that time he asked me for details and I told him it's irrelevant. Since then he has not brought it up at all.
> 
> During another heated fight a week ago he mentioned something about a "fling" and "insignificant". He is obviously minimising this in his head as a way of coping. Deeming it insignificant as an ego saving tactic? Refusing to believe it ever happened so he doesnt have to face up to it?


I'm confused. In one sentence you say he asked about details and in another you say he doesn't bring it up.

Also, I thought the usual advice given to waywards is that they answer all questions that their BS asks to help the healing process. Doesn't matter if the wayward think it's irrelevant.


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## empty3 (Mar 12, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> I'm confused. In one sentence you say he asked about details and in another you say he doesn't bring it up.
> 
> Also, I thought the usual advice given to waywards is that they answer all questions that their BS asks to help the healing process. Doesn't matter if the wayward think it's irrelevant.


I agree, I am prepared to answer all his questions as that's how healing can begin. I made the "irrelevant" comment right at the beginning when it first was mentioned as there was a lot of anger and shouting and no one was calm. 

When he mentioned "insignificant fling" a bit later it was more of a comment to put me down rather than an opportunity to ask questions or talk about/discuss the EA.


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## empty3 (Mar 12, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Very interesting question! I wonder if refusing to talk about it is his version of putting it in priority? Like he doesn't want to see you so much as a WW but simply as HIS wife, the same woman he married, the same woman he's always loved... By talking about it he would be forced to see you in a way that he doesn't WANT to see you....? Does that kind of make sense to you?
> 
> Secondary to his need to see you as you always have been, is his desire not to see what marriage issues might have prompted your affair. If he doesn't talk about it, is it possible that he then doesn't have to look at his role in the marriage issues that made an affair possible?
> 
> I would suggest you check the reasons why you need to talk about with him. Do you need his reassurance? Do you need to vent about residual guilt? Do you need to have continued signs of his absolution of the sin? Do you feel talking with him about it will strengthen your resolve to be a better wife to him?


Anon Pink, that makes complete sense (alot of what you say makes sense actually!) You're absolutely right about him not wanting to deal with how we got here in the first place. To him, he wants to draw a line under the whole thing and move on. He doesn't want to see me in that light as knowing him, he will think there's no return from this. I'm wondering if the work required to "forgive" is just something he doesn't want to deal with?

So much speculation. He seems to be fine with me. He's the same, doesn't check where I am etc, not overly concerened with my communication with other people etc. This is all well and good and alot would say, good, continue and work hard on your M. My worry is that if he doesn't process it now, sooner or later he will be triggered and it may come out in some way? I really don't know.

I think I want to talk about it cos I read about how hurt BS's feel and he is human, he is not a robot. He must be feeling something. I think I want to reassure him and give him an explanation of why i went outside of our M and that I have realised it was immature and an escape route. Perhaps, I also need to be held accountable.


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## empty3 (Mar 12, 2013)

AnnieAsh said:


> I'm a WW, recovering from an emotional affair. My husband did some of the same things after a few weeks. He didn't want to address any of the issues of our marriage.
> 
> Some people don't WANT to talk about things that painful. It means bringing stuff to light that might hurt. He might have suspicions about your thoughts and feelings for the AP and he doesn't want to cement them.
> 
> ...


Thanks for replying. May I ask what your situation is now? How long have you been NC? Did you and your H eventually discuss it? How are you feeling about your H now?

My H is similar in that he doesn't really want to discuss the past but is happy to focus on the future and make neccessary adjustments and changes now. To me this is disheartening as I feel like I need him to understand me. He says its pointless going back, we should focus on going forth. I guess everyone handles these things in a different way.

I've never posted in the CWI section. Don't know if I can take the comments to be honest.

What other steps have you taken to move on?


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

empty3 said:


> I need some help/advice/input regarding my H's absolute resolve not to mention the EA. I told him about it in a heated argument a few weeks ago, at that time he asked me for details and I told him it's irrelevant. Since then he has not brought it up at all. During another heated fight a week ago he mentioned something about a "fling" and "insignificant". .


H is not rug sweeping. He wanted to talk ( details are important to men). You cut him off, whats he supposed to do??

:scratchhead:

You are going to have to be open and transparent for him, if you want your marriage healed. Otherwise he is slowly but surely going to emotionally distance himself from you.

If my W were thinking about OM and she had a EA or PA with. I would not want to be in the same house with her, until she had totally cleared her mind and emotions of OM. She would also have to give me the details I wanted and be open honest and transparent.


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## empty3 (Mar 12, 2013)

Mel, I get it, I really do but at the time he originally asked me we were on a long distance crackly call, I wanted to discuss this face to face. We concluded we would talk about it when he gets back from his trip. I'm ready to answer any of his questions but he has not asked me?

Okay, maybe I messed up by not answering his questions THEN but I want to fix this now. I am totally transparent with him. He is not the kind of man to share feelings, has always been the kind of person to "just get on with it".

Should I bring it up again? I fear he will see it as me "dredging" up the past which he so clearly see's as irrelevant now as otherwise he would want to discuss it?

I want to be close to him again. I am prepared to do what it takes. I don't want to feel lonely in my marriage anymore.

Annie, I just saw a thread you started which has over 100 pages!! I'm working my way through reading it..


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

empty3 said:


> Anon Pink, that makes complete sense (alot of what you say makes sense actually!) You're absolutely right about him not wanting to deal with how we got here in the first place. To him, he wants to draw a line under the whole thing and move on. He doesn't want to see me in that light as knowing him, he will think there's no return from this. I'm wondering if the work required to "forgive" is just something he doesn't want to deal with?
> 
> So much speculation. He seems to be fine with me. He's the same, doesn't check where I am etc, not overly concerened with my communication with other people etc. This is all well and good and alot would say, good, continue and work hard on your M. My worry is that if he doesn't process it now, sooner or later he will be triggered and it may come out in some way? I really don't know.
> 
> I think I want to talk about it cos I read about how hurt BS's feel and he is human, he is not a robot. He must be feeling something. I think I want to reassure him and give him an explanation of why i went outside of our M and that I have realised it was immature and an escape route. Perhaps, I also need to be held accountable.


Yes, a lot of speculation, interpretation and guessing. But lets focus on you for a moment?

It sounds like you expect to follow the formula outlined here and at other sites regarding transparency, providing all details, being brutally honest... What I always wonder about is the complete honesty part. People lie to themselves all the time. They say a WS rewrites the marriage history. Maybe this is true in a lot of cases, maybe it's only true in a few cases, but I don't believe this to be universally true. Given the propensity we all have to lie to ourselves, and given the validity that some WS rewrite the marriage history, are you certain that you have completed the soul searching enough that your version or your truth addresses reality? 

Secondary to that, has your truth searching reached a stalemate point, where you can't go any further without comparing with your H, to find missing pieces and things, so you can continue the work of honest reflection?

I think the hardest part of coping with any event that adversely affects a marriage is the necessity to merge two different personalities. Women tend to cope one way, men tend to cope another way... Respecting his need to cope his way means that your way of coping, (the need to talk it out and process, come to an agreement...) goes unfulfilled. So, how important is it for the WS to respect the BS's favored coping mechanism? 

I am very interested in your answers because this plays kind of close to something that has been on my mind for a few days now. My H had a ONS just before we got married. He contracted and SDI and we couldn't have sex until 10 after our marriage. At the time he told me that he had a bladder infection and it could cause me irreparable harm if I contracted it as a result of having sex. We never discussed it again, even though I knew it was no bladder infection! I just decided to focus on who I knew him to be and how that ONS didn't alter who he was. But according to the wisdom in CWI, I did it all wrong. So, I wonder if part of his disengagement is subsequent to part of him shutting down, to keep from brining that up, to keep from having to burst through my steadfast refusal to see him any different than I had always seen him? I don't want to turn this thread about me, I just wanted to explain why I am asking these questions...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If he really has resolved it in his mind, that's one thing. But if he's only glossed over it then there's a good chance it will come out at some later time down the road. That won't be good.

Yes, you absolutely should have answered questions when he had them. Now, all you can do is gently ask him one more time if he's sure there is nothing more that needs to be said. And if he says he's sure then drop it.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You seem to know that the EA was on you, that it was your decision to pursue and within your power to stop. Now it seems that you want to control the reconciliation.

Your H's pride has no doubt taken a huge hit, not to mention his trust in you. He probably needs very much to be in control of his own life and the decisions he makes in it. One of those decisions may be to rugsweep for now. You can't force him not to do this & it's hard to say whether it's unhealthier for him to not talk about it now or to have you call the shots re how the reconciliation process goes.

If he needs to rebuild his pride by asserting that your A was insignificant, I don't think you can stop that process. The common wisdom is that the WS should answer any and all questions honestly. If he doesn't want to ask the questions, though, it's not up to you to force the issue. It may come back to bite both of you in the end, but recovery from an A is never certain, no matter how closely you follow recommended reconciliation strategies.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

My thread is ridiculously long! I got a lot of borderline rude comments at first, then it calmed down and I had a core group of posters who helped me A LOT. When I struggle, they take the time to kick me in the butt when I need it.  I have a pretty thick skin so moronic comments didn't bother me much. 

I was NC with om for almost 6 months I believe when he sort of ambushed me in a coffee shop. This was just 2 weeks ago. I didn't see he coming. It set me back a lot. When I have a lot of down time, I think about him. So I fill my time with something useful. 

My suggestion to you is allocate a time for "affair talk." Let him hand you a paper with questions on it. You answer his questions truthfully. After that, no more affair talk. You only discuss improving your marriage and your lives. Don't give the AP space in your marriage. 

Stop looking him up, stop thinking of him. Look up mental redirection techniques. A poster named Affaircare gave me some great advice about that. I will be honest. I am a daydreamer. I will sit and think and ponder and analyze and fantasize. That is my weakness. Om occupies space in my mind so I am trying to evict him and move on.


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## empty3 (Mar 12, 2013)

I have to admit TAM is making my head spin. I don't know what to think anymore. It would seem I am unable to distinguish between what is relevant to me and what is not. I feel vulnerable right now and I am deeply attaching myself to people's points of view.

Last night after reading and posting I was so angry and too it out on everyone around me.

Alte dam, Yes I am trying to control the reconcilliation cos it's killing me not knowing what he's thinking. Has he dealt with it? Have i even had the opportunity to say how sorry I am? Do I have the right to control how he copes with this or not?

His reaction is so opposite to the typical BS that I'm left confused and like he's a timebomb waiting to explode.

I guess I desparately want the opportunity to explain to him why I did this and to say I'm sorry. Does that sound messed up??

I know I need to let him handle this the way he feels is best for him. But his lack of discussion and his going about life like nothing has happened is despairing. I see it as a weakness.

Perhaps his "punishment" is making me live with my guilt with no real outlet for remorse. I feel so bad. Like an awful person with no way of making up for my wrongdoing.

My head is all over the place.

I'm also a daydreamer, analyser, distraction seeker. This is a HUGE issue for my H. He CANNOT understand why I can't draw a line and move on.

And as for "controlling the reconcilliation" according to him there's nothing to reconcile as it never happened????


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Unfortunately for you, empty, it is what it is. You understand that you lost the moral high ground to argue that he respect what you need in this process. I'm not saying that I'm not sympathetic to that need - just that you can't demand or even expect in any way that he be sensitive to your sensibility, your desire to talk, or your strong feeling that he should be reacting differently.

Try to remember that the mind does some powerful things when it goes into protective mode. His mind may need right now to 'forward focus' in order to get through this. He may crash on that later. Maybe not. No matter what, though, it isn't yours to control.

In my opinion, you have to act as selflessly as possible here. He's granting you a reconciliation, which you seem to want. If he wants to talk, you talk; if he wants to ask questions, you answer them; if he wants to scream at you, you take it.

The affair was about you. This is about him. His decisions may not be the best for him in the long run, but that's not for you to decide. After all, your own judgment hasn't been that great lately.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

After I was well out of withdrawal, my wife and I did His Needs Her Needs. This enabled communication that allowed us to more readily discuss my EA and it also allowed us to look forward. 

I really suggest you do this.

HNHN is awesome for a marriages period. I learned about proper boundaries. I came away with feeling confident that I would not let this happen again. So it was great for me. Ultimately forgiving myself was the biggest hurdle. My wife understood my EA very well.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

And you need to stop checking the AP's online status. This is simply a matter of self-discipline, which I'm sure you have. It may be hard, but it's definitely not impossible.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You are fixated on his mistakes, how he is to blame.

You are not fixated on what you are doing or have done wrong.

You are looking to him to hold you accountable but you don't hold yourself accountable.


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## empty3 (Mar 12, 2013)

Hicks said:


> You are fixated on his mistakes, how he is to blame.
> 
> You are not fixated on what you are doing or have done wrong.
> 
> You are looking to him to hold you accountable but you don't hold yourself accountable.


Yes you are spot on.

What would be your advice to move forward. We are back to being distant again. Formal and dealing with daily life.


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## empty3 (Mar 12, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> And you need to stop checking the AP's online status. This is simply a matter of self-discipline, which I'm sure you have. It may be hard, but it's definitely not impossible.


The brutal truth is I miss our interactions and this leads me to thoughts of him which leads me to check him online.

I feel pathetic. I tell myself it's a coping mechanism and hepls me cope with things. Fact is I need to stop as it's making it hard for me to let go. 

I worry this means I'm still in the stupid fog.


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## empty3 (Mar 12, 2013)

Entropy3000 said:


> After I was well out of withdrawal, my wife and I did His Needs Her Needs. This enabled communication that allowed us to more readily discuss my EA and it also allowed us to look forward.
> 
> I really suggest you do this.
> 
> HNHN is awesome for a marriages period. I learned about proper boundaries. I came away with feeling confident that I would not let this happen again. So it was great for me. Ultimately forgiving myself was the biggest hurdle. My wife understood my EA very well.


I have spoken to a few people who know me well and who have made some good suggestions. 

We are moving to another country (back home), changing schools, jobs, looking for a new home etc, all over the next few months. It will be massive changes for all of us.

As a poster suggested, I can't MAKE him talk and discuss, I will answer and talk at his request. From today onwards I will stop nagging and being someone he most probably dreads coming home to. 

From today, the focus is on the move and making it as smooth for us as a family. He and I have to work as a team for this to be an easy transition for our kids.

I will introduce the idea of HNHN once we feel settled and stable. I must say, he finds these type of things "bs for people who can't figure out things in real life" (!!!???) but nonetheless i shall try.

No more fights. Just pleasantness all around. Amen.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

empty3 said:


> The brutal truth is I miss our interactions and this leads me to thoughts of him which leads me to check him online.
> 
> I feel pathetic. I tell myself it's a coping mechanism and hepls me cope with things. Fact is I need to stop as it's making it hard for me to let go.
> 
> I worry this means I'm still in the stupid fog.


You want him to do what he needs to do to reconcile, but you can't do what you absolutely, absolutely have to do.

This is not a coping mechanism. It is self-serving. There is no excuse. Nobody is forcing you to check him online. It isn't pathetic, but it is weak.


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## empty3 (Mar 12, 2013)

Alte Dame,

Thank-you for your post. I needed to hear that.

I know I'm selfish and self-serving. That's why I felt entitled to the A in the first place.

I need some tough love.

Sometimes it's more comfortable being in fanatsy land but this only prolongs the fact that you have to deal with LIFE.

I am getting stronger.

Thankyou.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You need to think carefully about the person you want to be and then work to be that person. This can be hard or 'uncomfortable' (God forbid!), but at the end of the day, you will a person that you can be proud of.

If you continue the way you are, you will look back on this and feel shame. Either that or you will have rugswept it, lied to yourself and lived with a little voice from your conscience that pings you uncomfortably sometimes in the dead of night.

So why not choose to be a decent person? Why not choose to stop holding your H in contempt? Why not choose to respect and honor him?

You don't sound like you're writing from prison or otherwise held captive, so these are your choices. Why not take a good hard look at your H and decide to really start loving him?


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## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

Do you think that maybe He might be just going deeper and deeper into safety mode? I know that is what my therapist is telling me I am doing, but it is hard. The reason I ask, is that you state you still check on your EA...you are more than likely not being sneaky about it.

I am a very very tech savvy person now because of what my wife did, I wasn't before, and I can tell you that His awareness is at an all time high. I have never ever ever been so perceptive in my life as I am now. I analyze everything and do it silently. 

I think your NC should be NC for real. You never know if He is picking up on something or not.

For Him also to not want to talk about it now is pretty normal also. I have been going through it for a year now, and I can say that after the explosive arguments I was a part of for trying to find all out and work with it in my head, and He not wanting to talk, I gave up. I now live with it in my head. I am sure it is getting better, or going to, but once you get rejected you have a hard time coming around after all that has happened.


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## empty3 (Mar 12, 2013)

Alte, I DO want to love him, I DO want us to be close again and I DO try. Problem is, It all feels so one sided. I am a talker. He is not. I feel like I'm being forced to be like him and not be a "talker" as this irritates him. 

He'd rather we just go to the movies, eat popcorn and continue playing happy families. I have great difficulty doing this, as something is burning inside. 

It's ineveitable that this will lead to resentment on both sides. "Why can't she just shut up and get on with it" vs "why does he always shut me out and never want to discuss stuff".

FLgator, so according to your experience and from what you read about my situation, how do you think I should move forward?


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## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

Empty,

I know you may think it is hard, but you absolutely have to stop checking anything related to that guy. It is going to be on your face, in your actions, tone, everywhere. You feel guilty about it I am sure, and men are slow learners, but great observers. He can tell. As I told you, He is probably more so now then ever before. I know I am. I know when my wife, still to this day, is not forthcoming, or has checked on Him, or talked to someone involved back then.....I can just tell.

NC, even if it isn't you contacting this person, just looking. NC NC NC. You can do this, I know you can.

I would also just lay off of the talking if that is what He wants. IMO, this is about the same as I feel. My experience is a little different, because I had to use the jaws of life to get the info I needed, and when I did, anything after that was a war and full of emotion.

He is eating it right now....I have done the same. He is yes, more than likely thinking about it every single day. I am sure of that. I am sure when He looks at you, He sees Him, and His mind races. The very best thing He can do right now is honestly trying to bottle it up. It sounds weird, and maybe not helpful to Him, but to force something He is not ready for, is even worse. It could undo all that is already done. 

I am sure you are still the love of His life, as He is still there. Not all men can handle the stories on here, or follow the advice that is given. It all sounds great, but ultimately falls onto the man to act on it. I know I couldn't, and still working though it slowly, 1 year later. I am making steps, baby ones, but making them. Give Him time.

I am 100% sure He will approach you again. It won't be on your time, or even His, something will more than likely trigger it. Hell, if I hear a name on TV, or see the profession shown on TV that my Ws A does, it will make me want to act, or talk. I don't, but it does and eventually, I will make my move.

More than likely He is afraid. I am sure that may sound stupid, but true. Why? Just my experience, but I feel that way sometimes. Its a feeling sometimes of the unknown, where that conversation will go. Will I be able to handle it? Will I say or do something that will end it all? Will I walk away? Will she? Consequences are unknown with these conversations, and a man will want to limit the unknown before He acts as much as possible. He will want to bullet proof game plan, a script He will stick to, because He knows emotions will be at an all time high the second you start talking.

Pride is a mans worse enemy. Pride is more than likely holding things back also.

My best, simplest advice I could give you, is don't do two things.

-Never ever ever, please ever, get upset with Him, no matter how stupid His question or comment will be.

-Do not pressure Him in any way. Look at him like a bomb, that you have no idea how it is wired. You don't want to jump to the conclusion that He is ready to talk, and you for sure don't want to go around poking inside to see how it works.

Give it time, go on as normal, involve Him in things that are normal, not things that can come off as pity invites, or anything showing you are trying to do something. Just normal....
Talk to Him about stupid things also, as normal. Don't treat Him like He is broken, don't ask Him if He is ok all the time, that will only make Him start to think.

My W went about it all the wrong ways, and I would love to see you not make that mistake.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think that FLGator's advice is spot on. Entropy also recommended that you read 'His Needs, Her Needs' together. This is an extremely helpful book for any relationship, in any condition. It is one of the few truly effective self-help books, in my opinion.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

empty, you said: "I need some help/advice/input regarding my H's absolute resolve not to mention the EA. I told him about it in a heated argument a few weeks ago, at that time he asked me for details and I told him it's irrelevant. Since then he has not brought it up at all."

When you say "I told him about it in a heated argument a few weeks ago", do you mean told him about the affair?

And are you saying that when he asked for details of the affair you told him it was irrelevant? And since that day, the first day he heard of it and asked about details and you shut him down, he has had no further details from you about the affair?

If I have this understood right, it is certainly part of why you are still in the fog.

People who are in the fog will try (not even consciously but they do this) to put others under a type of fog as well, by gas lighting and crazy making smoke and mirrors tricks...usually designed to throw the betrayed spouse off the trail so the affair can continue. But sometimes, like in your case, you threw your H off the trail of knowing any details of your affair. This is done, whether you realized it or not, so that you can still run back to the affair in case you need to, since he doesn't know anything about it and will not be able to follow you there.

Some betrayed spouses will realize they are being fogged out and will insist on getting boundaries put in place and finding out all the details of the affair. But some don't. 

When a spouse learns they have been betrayed, they may act in many numerous ways, it is never the same. Many go into a crisis state and literally "don't want to hear anything else". For these spouses, they should resist the urge to "not hear anything else" and get the details about the affair so they can be fully informed of what their spouse has been up to.

If your H doesn't ask for details now, it is likely because the shock of hearing it, then asking for details, only to be shut down, all hurt so badly that he can't even really process it. He is in a type of amnesia.

To help him, you should recognize how badly it must have hurt him for your to shut him down like that. When you shut him down, you were protecting your affair partner and at the same time shooting your husband in the heart. If you can really see the reality in that statement, the fog might lift a little more off of you.

You should write a full account of the affair and explain how it occured, what occured, what was said, feelings you had, promises made to run away together (or whatever, I don't know the details of your affair) and give it to him. If you are not prepared to do this, you should understand this is evidence that you are still in the fog.

The fog cannot lift until you become truly repentant.

You cannot become truly repentant while you still want to protect your affair partner and shoot your husband in the heart. By checking on your AP's online status, etc...you are doing it again, each time.

The fact that you don't see it as shooting your husband in the heart is your proof that you are still totally foggy.


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## empty3 (Mar 12, 2013)

I am always blown away by the quality of input from people on this site. To think that total strangers take time out to offer guidance is heartwarming. Thank-you. I'm personally finding this forum a therapeutic tool.


FLgator, I will be sure to follow what you've said. I know he's scared and I also know his pride has been demolished. I will give it time and continue as normal which is what he has requested. I have been able to tell him some things that I will change in order to help us connect more (discuss issues after work rather than expect him to leave a meeting to chat etc). Yes, by that example alone, I know I have been a brat. I want to change and not be such an emotional burden on him.

I tried to explain to him yesterday (in short bursts, his attention span is short!) that I try to "measure" his love for me, not consciously, but when I look at my behaviour I know that's what I'm trying to do.

To be honest, I never on the face of it thought I was insecure in my M, but when I look deeper (like so many people have said I need to) I see that on many levels I don't feel good enough for my H. I've often said to him in the past he "could've done better". He of course thinks that's warped thinking and why would I even say those things. Well, I believe them that's why.

Anyway, this is all fodder for more self-analysis. As a poster said, this is an opportunity for self-growth.

Alte and FW,
Many of my issues stem from the fact that I am desparately lonely in the city we live in. It was always meant to be temporary. My H is not ready to leave yet, but during the A, when I was absolutely looking for ways to end it, one drastic measure that occured to me was to leave here and go back to our home country where I have a career, family and friends. Basically some purpose and meaning. This was not to get away from AP as he lives in a totally different country alltogether but it was in the hope that I'd be more busier and fulfilled back in my home city. I have too much time here and that time was feeding the A.

Anyway, during this time I was also verging on an episode of depression and my H could see and agreed that moving back is the best solution. It would involve him travelling more but we agreed it was worth the sacrifice. I've always felt super dependent on people here and have never really been able to do anything significant (various laws etc).

So, we are moving in the summer. Big move. Big changes. The kids have a great school to go to. General reaction has been shock from other people who cannot understand why we are leaving such "luxury" to move back to an inner city. Guess no-one really knows what goes on inside other people's homes and lives and what prompts them to do the things they do.

Yes, I told H about the affair in an argument over the phone. It was regarding how I feel unheard and dismissed and how "I even went outside of our M for this void to be filled". This was awful of me and there's no excuse. But I was so angry and needed him to understand how BAD things were, as according to him "everything is fine, why are you always complaining"

Right now, we are focussed on the move. We have to wrap up here and start fresh there. It's gonna be alot of work but we will hopefully work together on it.

FW, I'm petrified to tell him details of the A. The fog is lifting. I have opportunity to check AP now online and I havent or won't. Right now my attitide is like "F**k you AP, you're not even worth my energy". I feel a sense of relief that my thinking is starting to change.

I know I shut him down but this was cos we were on the phone and more importantly cos I was very scared he may leave me or judge me or never look at me in the same way again. 

I think the fog is lifting.

"There was NEVER anything ROMANTIC in what we did" (last words I heard from AP) didn't ring true then. Starting to believe it much more now.


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

Having read through this thread I can see how he might be in avoidance mode after hearing a bombshell like that. It could be that when you said it wasn't relevent he simply took you at your word and figured you were just saying things you didn't mean. Or it could be that...he loves you unconditionally.

Love is a wierd thing and so is forgiveness. True forgiveness doesn't NEED you to follow a formula to win him back. The fact that you are repentant is great and will make things easier. Think for a minute what constant supervision of your activities would do to him. Maybe it would just serve to make him more paranoid. Maybe the details of your EA aren't that important to him because he still trusts you. He may need to trust you now more than ever, otherwise he will bogged down by the weight of it.


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## empty3 (Mar 12, 2013)

Fledgling said:


> Having read through this thread I can see how he might be in avoidance mode after hearing a bombshell like that. It could be that when you said it wasn't relevent he simply took you at your word and figured you were just saying things you didn't mean. Or it could be that...he loves you unconditionally.
> 
> Love is a wierd thing and so is forgiveness. True forgiveness doesn't NEED you to follow a formula to win him back. The fact that you are repentant is great and will make things easier. Think for a minute what constant supervision of your activities would do to him. Maybe it would just serve to make him more paranoid. Maybe the details of your EA aren't that important to him because he still trusts you. He may need to trust you now more than ever, otherwise he will bogged down by the weight of it.


Thank-you for this.


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## Ellen Steve (Jan 23, 2013)

I can’t help in terms of trying to explain what may be causing the rift between you and your husband, but perhaps it is best to suggest you get professional help to try to help the two of you work through. Emotional affairs can be very damaging to marriages so you don’t want to treat the emotional affairs the two of you have gone through as too small an issue. It’s great that the two of you manage to communicate your feelings at some level, but as you can tell sometimes many things don’t make their way to the surface and can wreak havoc on your emotions and health. The help from a certified marriage or couples counselor will provide you with the tools you need to learn to support each other through several different phases in your marriage. Take the opportunity to improve on this and several aspects of your life.
save my relationship


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## wifeiam (Apr 1, 2013)

empty3 said:


> I agree, I am prepared to answer all his questions as that's how healing can begin. I made the "irrelevant" comment right at the beginning when it first was mentioned as there was a lot of anger and shouting and no one was calm.
> 
> When he mentioned "insignificant fling" a bit later it was more of a comment to put me down rather than an opportunity to ask questions or talk about/discuss the EA.


Doesn't HE get to determine how his healing will begin and progress? It is coming across that you want a bigger emotional response on your terms over this but if you are the one that did wrong I think he should be able to handle it in the way that works for him. As long as you are working on your marriage he may not need to have lots of details and questions about the other guy. Just a different perspective for whatever it is worth. Good luck!


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