# Cleaning up my mess



## primowater (Dec 6, 2011)

Hi - I need some advice, perspective and direction -- hope y'all can help.

My wife and I have been married almost 10 years - we're in our early 30s and have a 6 year old. Everything was going well for us, but about 5 years ago, I picked a bad habit of visiting strip clubs alone. The reasons for going were many -- I liked the ego boost, I liked the variety, anonimity, the physical contact and 'relative harmlessness'. Once on a business trip I went to a massage parlour/call girl and got a HJ. I would also surf porn -- my wife found the porn and questioned me two years ago and I told her everything else. She forgave me at the time and asked I never visit clubs again -- after about 9 months, the behavior resurfaced. She found out about it about a year later -- this time she tried to fix the problem by having me tell our extended families of my actions, moving our family closer to her family and setting up a new life in a new place. We are a year into this effort but we don't feel like anything is moving forward. We are in counseling and on the verge of separation/divorce. 

She can't get over the fact that I cheated on her by going to SCs and the call girl. What is most troubling for her (and the rest of the family - both mine and hers) is that I am the last person they would have expected to do this. I was very active in spiritual activities, in the community and held myself in high regard, advancing quickly in my career - never making crass jokes or comments etc. I lived a double life and was comfortable doing so. She on the other hand is highly moral, honest and has many life-long friends to show for it. This whole thing has opened my eyes to who I am and I wonder if I should just run and commit social suicide. 

Over the last year, I've been trying to do things to support her through the process, but obviously not enough. I wrote letters, cards, threw her a surprise party, spent a lot more time with our child (I always did this), set up a work-from-home situation so I am home all the time, dinners, lunches etc. I also stopped all my activities that were taking time away from us. This has been difficult for me -- not because i had to give up stuff I liked, but because I was dealing with the reality of my own guilt. She says that she still can't trust me and that I don't put her as number one priority. I have always been a 'pleaser' and that has come through in some recent situations where I took on tasks for people without fully thinking through the implications or invited people over without thinking it through. 

We had a relatively minimal physical relationship even in the early years of the relationship. We are both attractive people but physically we never hit it off - IMO we were attracted to how 'good' and intelligent each other was. 

I feel like I need to become a totally different person for her - and that is proving very difficult. She really wants to know why it happened and what's changed that it won't happen again. 

Not sure what I am asking for -- but just writing stuff out has helped.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What does she want? What do you want?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What have you done to try to figure out what you were looking for? It sounds like you're sorry you to caught, but not sorry for what you did.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## primowater (Dec 6, 2011)

Thanks for your reply: 

What she wants - A relationship that is free of the baggage that we currently have. She is angry that I've messed up what could have been so good. She doesn't want to kill the relationship -- I think we both are struggling with this because of our child who loves both of us and whom we both love. She's young, beautiful and smart and could do well for herself if we broke up.

What I want - Not sure.. I often felt suffocated in our relationship - I'd ask her to go on walks or hikes or do something and she'd generally decline... but I don't know if that is just my guilt making up excuses. I wish she'd be more appreciative and attracted to me -- some SC trips were triggered by someone at the office making a pass at me -- instead of pursuing it further, I'd try to live it out 'harmlessly'. But I also know I have a narsccistic tendency. I clearly have a broken moral compass. I am pretty sure that solitude would work out pretty well for me right now. I know now that marriage is about self-sacrifice and putting aside one's own desires to make the other person happy. I don't want to quit because 'i don't feel like it'. I also don't want to harm our child.


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## primowater (Dec 6, 2011)

I am sorry that my actions have severely harmed my wife - she used to be a very hopeful, trusting person. I am also sorry that our child doesn't have siblings which she sorely craves for. I know I just need to shut up all my misgivings and focus on getting my wife on her feet. It hasn't worked in the last year -- and I think she is wondering whether it'd be easier for her to stand up without me around.


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

I am the wife of a man that has done almost exactly what you have done. He too, looked at porn, strippers and went for erotic massages a couple of times when out of town on business.

He also is someone everyone thinks is Mr. Perfect husband, father, son, employee, etc. He is the absolutely last person you would expect to indulge in this behaviour.

It's now 9 months since I found out about the last massage. He is very remorseful and trying to do anything to make it up to me. We have both been for couselling as well.

I don't have a lot of respect for him anymore and my feelings for him are declining as time goes on. The way I'm seeing it at the moment is the damage is done and there is no going back.

He chose to betray me and I don't know where the future will take us.

The difference is we have been married over 30 years and have grown children, so we are in a different stage of life than you.

I have so much resentment that I can't get over any of it.

You should continue trying to do the same things you are doing for you wife, but maybe give her some space.

I asked my husband to move out for awhile when this all happened, and he refused. I think if he had, I would have had time to really look at the problem without him always being in front of me. He felt that if he was out, I wouldn't have let him back home. 

It might be a good idea for you to ask your wife if it would help her if you moved out for a month or so (stay with friend or relative) to give her some breathing room to think about things. It's really hard to think clearly with the person who hurt you so deeply in front of you all the time.

I wish you luck, and really feel badly for your poor wife.


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## primowater (Dec 6, 2011)

Thank you Confused55. We are thinking of a month separation -- I think we both could use some space to clear our heads. One thing that my wife is very focused on is the 'why'. I know now for certain that I fit the bill for someone with narcissitic personality - which gave me the sense that the rules don't apply to me, made me crave a lot of admiration, and desensitized me to the feelings of others and consequences. Being seen as the Mr. Perfect by others didn't help this at all..I was also $tupid and immature. Over time I built narratives in my head about my wife not liking me etc. which further fueled the justification. Still the question is 'how could I throw away everything for such a fleeting pleasure' and how could I not abide by my vows... these questions don't lead to very promising answers - they all point to some level of depravity or deep rooted character issues.. which makes me want to step away from everyone, especially our child.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> putting aside one's own desires to make the other person happy


I don't think it is true. It is understanding and keeping each other happy. 

I think you are apologetic about your sexual desires. Have you expressed your dis-satisfaction to your wife? I don't think porn is wrong either unless it is making you neglect your wife or affecting your ability or as an addiction. I think you need to ask yourself why you needed to go to a strip club when you were turned on instead of approaching your wife. The only thing I think you did wrong was getting the HJ. i don't think you are narcissistic as well. I think what you did was the culmination of sexual repression due to religion and your social standing in your community and your image in front of your wife. You were taught to act in a certain way but your desires are making it hard to do it without losing your standing. That's why the secrets and hiding

I think you should go and meet a non religious marriage counselor.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I think you should go and see someone who specializes in diagnosing sexual problems/addiction. not because you are addicted, but because you don't seem to know how to deal with sexual urges in an appropriate way.

You wife also needs to accept that she cannot have a marriage free of this baggage. If she cannot accept you as you are, you shouldn't be together. And you should NOT try to change for her - that will only lead to resentment on your part. My husband did that for years, which finally led to us breaking up for 5 months after he cheated. That five month break was exactly what I needed to clear my head - if he had been around me I don't think we'd be together today because I would have said or done something irrevocable. My husband is also a sex addict, and I accept that about him. If I couldn't accept that I couldn't be with him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

primowater said:


> One thing that my wife is very focused on is the 'why'.


Every betrayed person is focused on the WHY. It's totally normal to wonder WHY their spoue would betray them like that. 

You still haven't answered: What do YOU want? What does SHE want?


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