# Losing my wife to Depression



## LostinLife24 (Apr 25, 2013)

Hello. I came to this forum because my marriage is broken and I don't know how to fix it. My wife and I have been married for 2 years but together for 7. She had a difficult upbringing, namely, her dad was emotionally abusive her entire life. As a result, she has no self-esteem, no confidence, and has been diagnosed with depression. I have struggled with my own anxiety depression for about 10 years. 

She has seen a therapist which only marginally helped and she is currently on Prozac which helps just enough to get her through the day. We share a lot of the same mental issues but the biggest difference between us is that I have hope and am constantly working at it whereas she chooses to ignore it and has pretty much given up. She sleeps much of the day. Never shows any attraction towards me (hugs, kisses, cuddling, etc.).

I bring it up to her and she will vent which helps her but when I try to offer suggestions to how she might start to help herself, she just gets real negative and hopeless. I ask her what I can do to help her and she just says 'nothing'.

After dealing with this for 2+ years and rather than getting better, things are getting worse, I am exhausted and out of options. I realized today that I have not been happy for a very long time because of these issues and it makes me sad when I think about how much of life I am missing out on and how much WE are missing out on. I can't seem to help her and I can't seem to motivate her. I don't want to give up on her but if she is not willing to work at it and make her recovery a priority in her life, what can I do? I really need advice. Thank you

B


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Continue to focus on your health. Continue to learn better coping skills. Continue to take care of yourself.

Obviously, you understand depression and why it's important to work the program to get better. You have taken responsibility for how you feel. This is what she must do.

I have a SIL who has been depressed/anxious for more than 20 years. She has been in therapy MANY times and I have never seen her actually DO anything to get better. She remains negative, sulky, and enmeshed in her "woe is me" mentality. I rarely ever ask her how she is doing anymore and I no longer feel badly for her. She has hung onto her crippling mindset for ever and there is no magic pill combination that will improve her life.

Is your wife doomed to that? Who can tell? At some point you will have to give her the "come to Jesus" talk about personal responsibility and learning to be better. At some point you may have to draw the line.

Maybe this type stuff might help...
Giving her a list of things she must do each day.
Telling her she must produce a list once a week about good things in her life.
She must find someone or something and help out.
She must repeat self affirming phrases every day.
She must recognize each negative thought and replace it with a positive thought.

These are basic depression combat techniques and if she has been depressed for years, she must know this stuff already. Sometimes this stuff helps, sometimes not. But she'll never know if it helps until she's been working it as long as she had been living under the abuse. She can wait for lightening to strike or she can plug in a damn lamp!


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## twowheeltravel (Feb 4, 2012)

Can you get her to another doctor and get her current treatment plan re evaluated? She may be on too many drugs. My ex wife had a prescription drug addiction that turned her into a virtual zombie. She could t handle the slightest expectation on herself. Asking her to fold a basket of laundry was like asking her to climb mount Fiji. Is she currently seeing a therapist who can help Her set manageable goals for her self? Of course she has got to have the desire to get better so she can be a whole wife and mother again otherwise you and your children will just be involuntary caretakers the rest of your lives.


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## Stuckinrut (Feb 24, 2013)

Lost in Life I have the same problem. She needs to get some help from someone. My wife has been going in for consuling off and on for over 10 years and its been a losing battle. The best she ever does is when she is seeing her sych weekly. You might want to chech on thyroid problem symptoms as it was an eye opener for us(dead nuts match) I have not given up hope yet! GOOD LUCK!


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Just Projac? No one with problems that bad only takes Projac, and from the sounds of it she may be dealing with greater depression or bipolar disorder. In any case get her back to the doctor for an update on that Rx with at least a mood elevator and a mood stabilizer. If you can't, and I understand, you can give her 1g tyrosine and something like 5-htp for mood. And just for the record the first Rx any doctor puts you on is only the beginning. It takes years or balancing meds, diet, and emotions to be considered stable... After a couple years you can do some trial and error with meds and diet to minimize or get off of meds but even then you have to be very very careful.

I think you might also do well reading the book "Walking on Eggshells" for advice on how to deal with her.


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## Delmar555 (Jun 18, 2013)

Develop some depression and anxiety coping skills to spend a healthy life. Be happy and keep your self busy in some healthy activities, participate in some sports and fun activities to handle the depression and anxiety effectively. 

adamprowse


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

The mistake I have made is to not have good support and growth via IC myself, all this time. Had I made sure to have that, I might not have lost track of boundaries, and instead helped keep clear too all what was her responsibility/possibility for changing, and what was/was-NOT mine.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Are children in the picture.

Btw, I'm sorry this is your life right now. It is very rough.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

She needs to help herself...first and foremost. You need to be the helping hand. 

IC is helpful if they are active participants. Some clients want to vent and not do the activities/homework involved. There is no magic wand!

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is helpful but is a process that involves active participation (work).

Perhaps checking on the medications. 

Make sure that you are loving and supportive without being enabling. Expect her to help and participate in life/chores/etc.

Take care of yourself (most important).


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

Depends. If she's at all responsive, it can work to not keep food around the house. Then, take her out to dinner - and walk there.
(out of the house, exercise...not terrible things.)

A neighbor and I also experimented with finding a depression buddy - a lady, coming out of a depression, who was interested in meeting my wife for coffee in the mornings. Didn't help, but it could have.

--Argyle


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## VeggieMom (Jun 25, 2013)

It really sounds like she needs an adjustment of meds or a different med. A lot of those make you super sleepy and they aslo numb your feelings and take away your libido. I was on one for several years. I have the family tendency but was made worse during several periods of my life having to do with hormones and different situations. I was not sue which was worse, the depression that made me feel a knot in my stomach all the time, or the meds that made me feel nothing. 

Do you have any pets? Pets played an important role in getting me out of my rut before I had kids. I had to take the dog for a walk, and I met nice people at the dog park. The dog needed my attention and I loved her and found the energy to play with her like she asked. When I was sad she would snuggle with me. It really, really helped me. 

When I had the kids they were hard work but the necessity of taking care of their needs made me focus less on feeling so bad inside myself. I also did several years of Celexa and that was the one that apparently works well for many people with fewer side effects than some of the others.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My wife has depression and bipolar. She's been treated for it for the past 20 years or so. She's been to shrinks, massage therapists, chiropractors, acupuncturists, everyone but witch doctors and that'll probably be next. Some days are better than others but most days are difficult and about 30% are nearly unbearable. Mine doesn't work, doesn't do much at home, cooking doesn't usually cross her mind and sex almost never does. My wife does enjoy her pets unless she's really in a bad place. As far as I can tell, the shrinks and therapists haven't done jack to help her. If I stick her on the back of my motorcycle and we take a ride that seems to help her mood more than anything else. I'm not discounting her meds. She obviously needs them. If she forgets her pills, it's bad. It's not easy and it's rarely fun. Hopefully you'll have better success. I don't mean to make it sound awful. Life really isn't bad over here. I just had to learn to not expect much, learn to appreciate peaceful, pleasant times, learn to do for myself, and keep saying, "life could be worse." It is what it is. I married her and we'll get through it.


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## freeshias (Jul 7, 2013)

I agree with ANON almost completely...except where they say you should give your wife a list of tasks she MUST accomplish every day.
To a person like me, if I were giving a list of "must-dos", there would be holy war! 

Some people with depression need comfort and solace, some need a good kick in the arse, some need something to focus on (a hobby/challenge, etc)... Some need meds or therapy, or a combination of all things.

Have you asked your wife what SHE thinks she needs???

I PERSONALLY needed time to think, to sort things out... meds, and I had to FORCE myself to get back into the things I loved, and cut out the negative things in my life.
I was on Prozac, like your wife, and it didn't do much for me. My doctor and I had to play around with dosages, and different meds. Finally I got onto Zoloft, and it was a huge difference within 24 hours!


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

You guys realize LostinLife24 hasn't been on TAM since 04-26-2013. He made one and only one post at the top and never came back. So you're debating and offering advice that LostinLife24 will not read.


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