# Helping my husband cope



## LadyWolf15

Hello all. This past November my husband's mother passed away from cancer. He was very close to her and it appears as though he's not taking it too well at all. I get that there is a grieving process and anger is a part of that, but lately he's been down right mean to both myself and our daughter! He yells at her all the time and then gets mad at her when she starts crying, telling her to "be quit" and "stop crying"... She's barely 3! If I say anything to him about being nice to her or that she's just being a kid, he turns his anger on me and questions why I'm not supporting him and his decisions or why I'm not doing anything to keep her quiet. 
Additionally, he's started imposing strict rules for interactions with him. I'm not allowed to talk to him during his shows, only during commercials and I can't bother him if he's on his computer, phone or playng video games. This literally limits my window of interaction with him to just a few seconds here and there before he switches to another form of entertainment. These rules also apply to our 2.5 yr old who doesn't understand why her daddy doesn't want to play or pick her up. I can't even say good night to him without waiting for 10 minutes for that slight window of opportunity to open to get 10 seconds of his time. He's even started huffing and rolling his eyes when I give him a hug because it's apparently "not the right time". 
I want to help him cope but how can you help someone who's completely shut you out and treats you like an inconvenience?? I literally feel like I'm unwanted and my presence is not needed. I've tried talking to him but he just keeps using his grieving process as an excuse. I get that it's part of it, but the treatment to us is not fair, I don't care how hard you're grieving. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## BioFury

How would you describe your relationship before his mom passed? How was it different than it is now? And what things have remained the same?


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## chillymorn69

Being mean and cruel to your loved ones is not part any grieving process.

He needs professional help. A greif counselor woild beva good start.

Sit him down and tell him you love him and you want to suport him as he greives but trearing you and his daughter poorly because hes sad is not acceptable. Either he get help dealing with this because your not comfortable how things are and its not acceptable behavior.


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## LadyWolf15

We were fighting... a lot. Mostly because I was fed up with feeling like my opinions didn't matter to him. Prime example of this was once when I was trying to explain my feelings to him about something (I don't even remember what it was now) but because those feelings "didn't make sense" to him, he basically shot my feelings down, they were irrelevant because they made no sense to him. So because my feelings were telling me one thing about a topic, but they were nonsense to him, they didn't count and therefore my opinion didn't count. He has an overbearing mentality born from his religious upbringing. He is the husband and therefore the head of the house so I have to agree with him and support him because he's leading the family. That's what he says anyway. If you ask me, he took it completely out of context. We are Christians, btw.
Anyway, right before his mom passed, we were fighting a lot and I mentioned that I wanted a separation. He got mad of course and told me he wouldn't let me do that because he "knows" it'll lead to divorce and he won't let me divorce him. I didn't want a divorce, I just wanted him to see how hard he had pushed me. 
He did admit a few weeks ago that he was not only depressed about his mom passing but He's fearful I'm going to up and leave him because I asked for a separation before her passing. Even after I tried to reassure him that those things were said out of anger, I'm finding it more and more hard to try and tell him I won't leave. Because right now, I'm so close to just packing my things and our daughter and leaving, it's not even funny.


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## BioFury

LadyWolf15 said:


> We were fighting... a lot. Mostly because I was fed up with feeling like my opinions didn't matter to him. Prime example of this was once when I was trying to explain my feelings to him about something (I don't even remember what it was now) but because those feelings "didn't make sense" to him, he basically shot my feelings down, they were irrelevant because they made no sense to him. So because my feelings were telling me one thing about a topic, but they were nonsense to him, they didn't count and therefore my opinion didn't count. He has an overbearing mentality born from his religious upbringing. He is the husband and therefore the head of the house so I have to agree with him and support him because he's leading the family. That's what he says anyway. If you ask me, he took it completely out of context. We are Christians, btw.
> Anyway, right before his mom passed, we were fighting a lot and I mentioned that I wanted a separation. He got mad of course and told me he wouldn't let me do that because he "knows" it'll lead to divorce and he won't let me divorce him. I didn't want a divorce, I just wanted him to see how hard he had pushed me.
> He did admit a few weeks ago that he was not only depressed about his mom passing but He's fearful I'm going to up and leave him because I asked for a separation before her passing. Even after I tried to reassure him that those things were said out of anger, I'm finding it more and more hard to try and tell him I won't leave. Because right now, I'm so close to just packing my things and our daughter and leaving, it's not even funny.


Ok, so your relationship was in trouble before the event. So the issue you're facing now may not even be about his mother. If he feels like you're leaving him, and the only other important woman in his life (his mother) just passed away, then he may be tempted to push everybody away from him as a defense mechanism. He may be telling himself he doesn't need anyone, to help prevent himself from getting hurt by anyone he values leaving.

But I would say that the solution lies in fixing the problems that you were experiencing before the unfortunate death of his mom. There's a book called "Love Busters" that I would recommend you read. It talks about joint agreement between a husband and wife, among other things. It may help you articulate and suggest a solution to your husband. Though from what you said, getting him to the bargaining table might be a challenge. You may have to see a counselor, explain that you're trying to implement the ideas from Love Busters, and see if they can help bring your husband around.

What has your sexual frequency been like for the span of these issues? One of the most powerful ways to communicate to a man that he's wanted, respected, and desired, is through sex. If you're not interested, or just haven't had it much, then that can have a significant impact on his self esteem and outlook on life.


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## chillymorn69

Tell him marriage councling and that a marriage is a team and if he wants to be married he needs to quit thinking hes the boss and you just get to follow!


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## Satya

Yeah, he's not grieving.
He's just an arse.

And don't threaten separation to get a rise out of him. You see how that backfired. Next time, follow through.


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## FalCod

He needs to cope with a 2x4 to the head. Seriously, you need to have a frank discussion with him that the status quo is not acceptable and start working on how that is going to get better. Counseling? Personal efforts? New rules? I have no clue what the best answer for you and your husband is, but I think the problem should be out int he open and dealt with. Change is clearly needed.


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## SunCMars

Cracks in the wall..

Have spread from the wall into him..

He is losing control, he is lashing back.
He is hiding his feelings, hiding himself behind activities.

Not wanting to face the truth.
It is now evident.
This nervous breakdown.

This, his deep seated depression.

Should not be your problem to solve.
Now, since you know, it may be.

Is fixing him worth it.
Was the original man worthy?

Worthy enough to resurrect? 

He needs professional help, maybe medication.
Likely medication.

With meds come side effects.

The original man wearing a mask.
But manageable.

Is this a good enough outcome?
Or no, does not arise close enough.

Close enough to the 'high' and joyous; friendly watermark of yesterday's life stream.

Just Sayin'

SunCMars-


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## SunCMars

Satya said:


> Yeah, he's not grieving.
> He's just an arse.
> 
> And don't threaten separation to get a rise out of him. You see how that backfired. Next time, follow through.


Lighten up, Buttercup. :smile2:

He is depressed.

She and dear daughter are prisoners in his sad and dour world.

Prisoners, due to loyal devotion.

Looking for salvation.

Likely, none will be given.

Likely, leaving him to sort out 'his own problems' is needed.
.................................................................
Leaving:

One sad, crabby, broken man, in actuality, alone...

Two females out of options.
Out of his life, starting a new one for themselves.


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## LadyWolf15

BioFury said:


> LadyWolf15 said:
> 
> 
> 
> We were fighting... a lot. Mostly because I was fed up with feeling like my opinions didn't matter to him. Prime example of this was once when I was trying to explain my feelings to him about something (I don't even remember what it was now) but because those feelings "didn't make sense" to him, he basically shot my feelings down, they were irrelevant because they made no sense to him. So because my feelings were telling me one thing about a topic, but they were nonsense to him, they didn't count and therefore my opinion didn't count. He has an overbearing mentality born from his religious upbringing. He is the husband and therefore the head of the house so I have to agree with him and support him because he's leading the family. That's what he says anyway. If you ask me, he took it completely out of context. We are Christians, btw.
> Anyway, right before his mom passed, we were fighting a lot and I mentioned that I wanted a separation. He got mad of course and told me he wouldn't let me do that because he "knows" it'll lead to divorce and he won't let me divorce him. I didn't want a divorce, I just wanted him to see how hard he had pushed me.
> He did admit a few weeks ago that he was not only depressed about his mom passing but He's fearful I'm going to up and leave him because I asked for a separation before her passing. Even after I tried to reassure him that those things were said out of anger, I'm finding it more and more hard to try and tell him I won't leave. Because right now, I'm so close to just packing my things and our daughter and leaving, it's not even funny.
> 
> 
> 
> Ok, so your relationship was in trouble before the event. So the issue you're facing now may not even be about his mother. If he feels like you're leaving him, and the only other important woman in his life (his mother) just passed away, then he may be tempted to push everybody away from him as a defense mechanism. He may be telling himself he doesn't need anyone, to help prevent himself from getting hurt by anyone he values leaving.
> 
> But I would say that the solution lies in fixing the problems that you were experiencing before the unfortunate death of his mom. There's a book called "Love Busters" that I would recommend you read. It talks about joint agreement between a husband and wife, among other things. It may help you articulate and suggest a solution to your husband. Though from what you said, getting him to the bargaining table might be a challenge. You may have to see a counselor, explain that you're trying to implement the ideas from Love Busters, and see if they can help bring your husband around.
> 
> What has your sexual frequency been like for the span of these issues? One of the most powerful ways to communicate to a man that he's wanted, respected, and desired, is through sex. If you're not interested, or just haven't had it much, then that can have a significant impact on his self esteem and outlook on life.
Click to expand...

Love life. Almost non-existent. Partly because the method of it has been a point of arguments and fights pretty much since we got married. He wants quickies all the time weather I'm in the mood or not. He never wants to take the time to get me in the mood. Another argument point. When brought up, he always argues that sometimes he just wants to do it and not worry about spending time doing something else beforehand. The kicker to this: as the wife, I should be accommodating to his needs. If it was once in a while, okay. But it's every time. Lately, I just got tired of faking interest. 
I still believe we can turn things around. I keep holding out hope that maybe he'll see how he's been treating me and realize it's not fair. He doesn't seem to want to believe me when I complain about it but maybe if a counselor can point it out, maybe he'll see. I just have to get him to go to a counselor. Currently he's seeking out grief counseling through our church, but hasn't been able to get in to be seen. He says he doesn't want to do marriage counseling till he's done with grief counseling.


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## BioFury

LadyWolf15 said:


> Love life. Almost non-existent. Partly because the method of it has been a point of arguments and fights pretty much since we got married. He wants quickies all the time weather I'm in the mood or not. He never wants to take the time to get me in the mood. Another argument point. When brought up, he always argues that sometimes he just wants to do it and not worry about spending time doing something else beforehand. The kicker to this: as the wife, I should be accommodating to his needs. If it was once in a while, okay. But it's every time. Lately, I just got tired of faking interest.
> I still believe we can turn things around. I keep holding out hope that maybe he'll see how he's been treating me and realize it's not fair. He doesn't seem to want to believe me when I complain about it but maybe if a counselor can point it out, maybe he'll see. I just have to get him to go to a counselor. Currently he's seeking out grief counseling through our church, but hasn't been able to get in to be seen. He says he doesn't want to do marriage counseling till he's done with grief counseling.


Alright, it seems like selfishness is his order of the day. Did he want to start a family? What were his feelings about having your daughter?

At this point, I think counseling is the only effective play you have, unless you think you can get him to be reasonable in a private conversation between the two of you. You should purchase and read the two books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". They will give you the knowledge of how things need to be fixed within your relationship in a fair and lasting fashion. They will be invaluable tools for you in your marriage, so I would recommend you read them both twice to let the wisdom sink in. When you are talking to him, whether alone or with a counselor, articulate your needs as you are guided by the book, ask him what his are, as well as implement the joint decision making strategies described in Love Busters.

If you can both implement the instruction and advice from those two books, then things will get much, much better.


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## LadyWolf15

We went around and around about having kids for some years. I wanted them but he was going through school and didn't feel it was the right time. Fair enough. Though I still wanted them, I could see where he was coming from. I'm in the Navy and was going to work for 10 hrs a day while he was going through school. Shortly after he graduated, his mom got sick. I couldn't take time off on such short notice, so he went to spend time with her without me. Also fair. He spent a week there and when he came back, he was like "let's have kids now". Two months later, I found out I was pregnant. He loves our daughter, he really does. It's just been this turn of events that has brought out the true mean side of him. 
He never used to be this way; all the details I've mentioned. We used to talk for hours, laugh; things were fun and playful. Once we got married it's like something changed and our relationship started to degrade. Now this. It's almost more than I'm willing to deal with. I barely recognize this man, and this month is our 8 year anniversary.


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## BioFury

LadyWolf15 said:


> We went around and around about having kids for some years. I wanted them but he was going through school and didn't feel it was the right time. Fair enough. Though I still wanted them, I could see where he was coming from. I'm in the Navy and was going to work for 10 hrs a day while he was going through school. Shortly after he graduated, his mom got sick. I couldn't take time off on such short notice, so he went to spend time with her without me. Also fair. He spent a week there and when he came back, he was like "let's have kids now". Two months later, I found out I was pregnant. He loves our daughter, he really does. It's just been this turn of events that has brought out the true mean side of him.
> He never used to be this way; all the details I've mentioned. We used to talk for hours, laugh; things were fun and playful. Once we got married it's like something changed and our relationship started to degrade. Now this. It's almost more than I'm willing to deal with. I barely recognize this man, and this month is our 8 year anniversary.


Don't give up, this happens to a lot of people. Marriage can be extremely difficult, but if you and your husband pull through, things can be better than they ever have been. Have you purchased those books?


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## LadyWolf15

[QUOTE/]Don't give up, this happens to a lot of people. Marriage can be extremely difficult, but if you and your husband pull through, things can be better than they ever have been. Have you purchased those books?[/QUOTE]

I've looked them up on Amazon. May be placing an order today. Thanks.


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## BioFury

LadyWolf15 said:


> I've looked them up on Amazon. May be placing an order today. Thanks.


Very good. They are your ticket to getting your marriage back. When you get your husband to go to a marital counselor with you, then you should both have a session alone with the counselor to describe what's going on before you have a joint session. During that individual session, is when you should tell the counselor that you read the books, and want to implement them. Then, ask the counselor to assign them as reading material for your husband.


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## Diana7

Its seems that the death of his mother has merely widened the cracks that were already there.
Losing a parent is NO excuse to act as he is, ESPECIALLY towards a little child, but this isn't about him grieving. 
I think you need to either sit him down or write him a letter and explain that you are not going to be treated the way he is 
treating you now, and that especially you are not going to let him act so badly with your daughter. 
Suggest marriage counselling and bereavement counselling, and if he isn't prepared to work on these issues you may need to separate for a time so that your daughter can have a peaceful safe home. Hopefully this would make him realise how bad things are.


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