# Adoption could destroy marriage



## ru_918 (Feb 21, 2014)

Hi all! Hoping to get some guidance on an issue I'm having with the mrs. I'd love to hear from anyone that's had anything similar or professional advice. First, let me lay out the situation:

Married for 2 years, together for three. I'm currently 43, she's 36. Shortly after marriage, we discussed kids and agreed that it wasn't going to happen and therefore, I got a vasectomy. 

Fast forward a couple years. She recently worked with some abused children at her work. She came home and said she might consider adopting a child someday. This has led to being on the verge of going our own way. 

While she said "MIGHT" and makes it clear she doesn't know if she would ever actually do so, she can't/won't take it off the table. My concern is, I'm retired in just over 4 years. She will still be working in a successful career. First, I don't wish to have kids by any means at this point. Second, her decision to adopt would essentially mean I'd absorb the brunt of the responsibility since I'd be retired. Third, I have no desire to be still raising a child when I'm 60 years old. I will have spent 30 years in the military when I retire. Time to relax, not start a family. 

So I don't know if we should consider going our separate ways or I hang in there hoping it doesn't happen. She's commented that I will never control her wants regarding something this big. I've commented that there's other ways of satisfying that desire to help children (trying to find a compromise).

Any insight, suggestions or helpful comments would be greatly appreciated.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

I totally agree that it would be a dealbreaker.

Make sure that she knows she can't have both of you.


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## ru_918 (Feb 21, 2014)

lenzi said:


> I totally agree that it would be a dealbreaker.
> 
> Make sure that she knows she can't have both of you.


I used that terminology today, "You can't have both". The problem is, it's not a for sure thing. She "might" want to. So she says that for me to say it has to be off the table is essentially an ultimatum and I'm trying to control her wants/goals....even if it's not technically a goal yet.

So wishing she could wouldn't be a deal breaker. Actually doing so would be. So do I wait years to find out? I could end up single again at 50 & retired. Or it could end up a non-issue for the rest of our lives.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Tough place to be.

I guess if you're enjoying your time with her then just let it roll. Yes there will always be uncertainty because of your different perspectives on this.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

ru_918 said:


> Shortly after marriage, we discussed kids *and agreed* that it wasn't going to happen and therefore, I got a vasectomy.
> 
> Fast forward a couple years. She recently...said she might consider adopting a child someday...she can't/won't take it off the table.





> So she says that for me to say it has to be off the table is essentially an ultimatum and I'm trying to control her wants/goals


So *you* refusing to change your mind and abiding by your original JOINT decision is you issuing "an ultimatum and trying to control her wants/goals."

But *her* stating that you MUST reconsider your original JOINT decision is *not* her issuing "an ultimatum and (her) trying to control (your) wants/goals?!? 

*I'm sorry, ...how the hell does THAT work?* :scratchhead:

She inhabits a land where logic has no foothold! :rofl:

Is she THIS illogical, intractable, and hypocritical about EVERYTHING or just the issue of children?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Any adoption agency is going to interview the both of you. All you have to do is say you don't want to. A really good agency that does a home study is going to know if both parties aren't really on board. 

I think you expressed your desire very clearly not to have kids, in getting a vasectomy. And after three years she changed her mind based on this one experience? I think the issue here is not adopting a child but just being wishy washy, easily influenced and waffling (all on her.) Next it will be retirement age, where to live, how to spend vacation, everything will be subject to change as soon as the (emotional) winds blow. So much for stability and planning, when even clear communication and mutual agreements fall apart so easily.

I wonder if your retirement benefits and free time and your access to family health care have anything to do with this generosity of hers. Next she'll want to quit her job to take care of child and since she's home with one, why not a whole bunch? 

I think kids without families need homes, but then there are the kids who grew up and survived working adulthood, and also need their own home! What about you? Maybe she is the kind of person to go about "rescuing" and now that you are "rescued" from your single state, she can move on to the next recipient (i.e. victim.)


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds like a good subject for a MC.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Go with your gut. If you don't want to commit to this then don't.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

A child deserves to be wanted and loved by both potential parents - especially one coming from a potentially abusive background. As you stated, you see yourself retiring in a few years, not being a dad. I see this as a deal breaker.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

personally, i cant wait to adopt. i plan to be raising kids until the day that i die...


that said, your wife is out of line. i guess the thing to do now is figure out what you will do.
it would be a deal breaker for me. its not exactly like you suddenly changed your mind... she knew what she was getting into.


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## SlyGuy (Jan 14, 2014)

I was adopted when I was young.
I'm so glad my adoptive father didn't have your attitude.
He's 80 now and it doesn't effect our relationship at all. We still go hunting, fishing and ball games together. He's taught me to be a man... which I now pass on to my sons.

I do agree though that it should be mutual or it won't work and the child will be resented.... which is a no-go


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Women often want kids. So if she's having second thoughts about such an important part of her, then people calling her wishy washy, emotional, out of line, illogical, etc., aren't helping. I'm thinking she wanted kids all along, but tried to stuff that feeling down because she loved you and wanted to be with you. Now she's torn between wanting to be with you and wanting to have a child. 

Are you the dominant person in the relationship? Does she express her needs directly or just drop hints and give in most of the time?


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