# Things just got worse. A whole lot worse.



## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

Me and the wife have struggled since day one. We're 15 years in.. She has worked very little of this time. I posted in the general relationships about her depression, anxiety, abrasiveness, etc..

She just can't hold a job. She has no friends, and every time she gets a job, if she makes it two weeks without getting fired, she usually quits because she always claims people there are out to get her, a-holes, stressing her out, and about 1000 other reasons.

So, I've somehow by miracle alone been holding things together. But it hasn't been pretty. I owe no less than 15 different bill collectors for various utilities, medical loans, etc.. We no longer have health insurance, or even a 401 k. I've dropped everything and cashed out over the years just to make rent and basic bills.

Well we were really under a month ago, to the point that all seemed hopeless. I've also already sold everything I have of value on craigslist too. Then thankfully I did my taxes on Feb 1st, and got a decent refund of $2000. I used most of it just to catch up on car payments (was 2 months behind), a credit account that I was behind on, and caught us up on the rent. 

What I failed to factor in was the electric bill.. We owe over $500 and have a 10-day shutoff notice. The engine in my car blew up the same day. They want $2000 to fix the car, $500+ for the electricity, and I got rent and another car payment coming up on the 1st. It's hopeless.

I can't say ANYTHING to her, because she will go into a depression-anxiety induced martyr syndrome and blame me for making her feel bad. Everything sets her off anymore so I have to be careful about anything I say to her on any topic. Yes she sees a psychiatrist, and gets counselling, but it really only works for about 1 day, then she's right back to crazy. The drugs used to work, but now only keep her from being that much worse.

And not to mention those costs are adding to the wallet-mulching that is my life.

I'm just super depressed today and venting.. we just had a fight about something so stupid that it doesn't warrant the time it takes to type it out. But that's just it- she turns the smallest thing into WW3, and if I told her about how bad things are, she would only find a way to make her shortcomings all my fault.. like I said it's all about her being the martyr.. She wants me to do everything for her, everything for the household, everything period. Then when something goes wrong, well guess who did it. ME.

I'm so damn angry right now. I want to just disappear, run away to mexico and start a new life of something. This sucks.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

if you dont have kids cut her loose and run to mexico


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

She's your wife, not a child

She's giving nothing to the marriage, why are you putting up with it? to keep the peace?

So what if she blames you for making her feel bad? Depression is not an excuse to absolve yourself of adult responsibilities. You've been far too accommodating, time to 'come to Jesus'


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Why are you with her?

If she's willing to fiddle while the ship is sinking you need to toss her over.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

well, I discussed that a lot in my other thread in general relationships, but yes, there's a child involved, and what little my wife does actually holds things together. The child is 'special' and needs both parents. I haven't gone into too much with the specifics, but let me assure you, leaving just isn't an option. That's what makes the whole situation so damn depressing and dismal. I can't take even the remote risk of losing custody.. the child would be MUCH worse off if I did. It's just not worth the risk.

There's a story in the papers right now from texas, where a picture perfect father lost custody to his ex-wife in the divorce, she had a long list of arrests for physical and emotional abuse, etc.. and while it's not likely that I would lose, there's no guarantees in life, and courts overwhelmingly choose the mothers, especially when the child is also female. Again, I just can't take that risk.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Kaboom said:


> well, I discussed that a lot in my other thread in general relationships, but yes, there's a child involved, and what little my wife does actually holds things together. The child is 'special' and needs both parents. I haven't gone into too much with the specifics, but let me assure you, leaving just isn't an option. That's what makes the whole situation so damn depressing and dismal. I can't take even the remote risk of losing custody.. the child would be MUCH worse off if I did. It's just not worth the risk.


Ahh, that's a different story then.
I haven't seen your other thread.

Do you have any leverage over her or can you gain leverage over her in some way?

It's seems you're in a situation that requires a bit of nastiness to get out of in an acceptable state.

Have you spoken to a lawyer about your chances of custody?
Utilizing her mental instability AND inability to support herself should give you some leverage in a custody battle.

Do you have the stomach for that sort of thing?


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## Cobre (Feb 24, 2013)

This could get very nasty.


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## debster (Dec 17, 2012)

Don't let her mental illness absolve her from responsibility.

Tell her you need help. Tell her that you can no longer cope with doing it all. Sometimes I think we hold back because we don't think the other partner can handle it, but are actually surprised with what they can do when all the cards are laid on the table. 

Refuse to let her put a guilt trip on you. Tell her you are both in this together and you need to work together and support each other to try to improve the situation. 

Blessings to you both.


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## TheManinBlack (Feb 21, 2013)

You need a plan to get out of this financial hole. In no particular order:

1. If you are better with money then you need to be in control of the finances (at least for now).
2. You have to get your wife on board with the plan if possible.
3. Your wife may need some counseling to help her with her problems.
4. Once your wife is doing better, she needs to get a job and contribute financially (assuming child care is not an issue).
5. See a financial adviser (or similar) to help you develop a plan, and stick to it.
6. Remember that your family needs you to assume a leadership role right now, so lead them out of this mess. Sometimes a leader has to make unpopular decisions for the good of the ship.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What county/city/state resources have you gone to so far to get her more (than current) medical help, help with your child, and help with your finances?


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

See answers below each question-

1. If you are better with money then you need to be in control of the finances (at least for now).
_ I have been in control of the finances for years. She is terrible with them so I took control a long time ago. The main issue is that there's just not enough coming in._

2. You have to get your wife on board with the plan if possible.
_ She is on board to a point, when I tell her it's a "ramen noodle week" she understands, asks for nothing that isn't necessary. It's important to state also that 3 years ago, what I made was enough.. just barely, but we made do. Since the bankster crisis and inflation and cost of living, my salary has remained stagnant, and despite dropping everything not absolutely necessary, the cost of living has outpaced not just my salary, but even with the drastic cuts. Something as simple as a car repair or medical emergency could financially destroy us and I'm worried that we are close to ending up homeless._ 

3. Your wife may need some counseling to help her with her problems.
_she sees a psych once every 3 months, but not a counselor. Frankly the problem is that outside that one quarterly visit and her meds, we're simply tapped out. We don't have health insurance, simply because the premiums were so much ($300+ per paycheck every other week) that we couldn't afford to even use them. Office visit with insurance $50, without $100. Same issue with the scripts, it is cheaper to not use insurance when you factor in the premiums._

4. Once your wife is doing better, she needs to get a job and contribute financially (assuming child care is not an issue).
_And that's the rub.. she can get a job now, but every job she gets ends in disaster. She's so abrasive that no temp agencies will work with her and she doesn't last at any job for more than a week or two. She's really run out of options. The job market here sucks enough without the help of her pissing everyone off._

5. See a financial adviser (or similar) to help you develop a plan, and stick to it. 
_Again, no money.. they all charge fees_

6. Remember that your family needs you to assume a leadership role right now, so lead them out of this mess. Sometimes a leader has to make unpopular decisions for the good of the ship.
_ Been doing that for 10+ years now._

To address the following post as well, we don't qualify for any sort of assistance. I make enough money that I could support myself pretty comfortably, but not a family. It's a hard life living from check to check. I'm putting a lot of irons in the fire, so to speak, and working on a couple of business ideas, but it's hard when you have no startup money, horrendus credit, and worry about how to put enough gas in the tank to get thru the week. 

I'm leading, that's for sure. I just wish she would get a job, and keep it. It's simple math.. if she works, we will be okay. If she doesn't, we sink.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

From you other thread it sounds like your wife has serious mental issues that are untreated.

This is for you. You seem to have a victim mentality like all these things were done to you and there is nothing you can do about it.

Why don't you work on trying to find ways to make more money instead of racking up debt and complaining about your lot in life?

The reality is your wife is sick and you have a handicapped child. You need more money. Figure out how to make more.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Which is why you need to get your county services started so you can get help. You're the only one still standing, so your child needs you to get help so YOU don't fall down, too.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

I used to be that happy-go-lucky guy. I once thought that nothing could keep me down. I've had my own share of career disappointments, as I find myself in a career with limited growth, very high unemployment, and am lucky to have the job that I have. In my field- job security generally doesn't exist, and if I quit today, there'd be 20 people lined up to do it for less, so I'm pretty damn thankful for what I have.

All that said.. yes, I'm beaten down, worn down, cynical, and bitter. I've done everything right and it all turned out wrong. It can happen to anyone. Until you have a disabled child, I don't think you can possibly understand the societal and financial implications. People hate us in public, we get nothing but dirty looks because our child makes odd noises, many times rude comments as well. We've blown loads on lawyers for the child just to get basic education rights. I've lost two good jobs because of having to leave on emergencies too often. I feel trapped, socially, financially, and career-wise. I'm making efforts, but they are slow to gain traction because of my circumstances.

If you want to call that victim syndrome, that's fine, I got it bad.


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## 28down (Feb 26, 2013)

I agre with tunera, get help first thing Monday, focus on your child. Get something started right away. Any family near by?


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## N_chanted (Nov 11, 2012)

can you all move in with family? how about looking for an apartment that is someones "basement" apartment? they are quite often cheaper than a regular multi family apartment. 

how about a house to share? 

would any of those things work for you guys?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If you are getting a 2000 refund, you need you need to adjust your withholding to be more accurate. That's 166 per month you are loaning to the government.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Kaboom said:


> To address the following post as well, we don't qualify for any sort of assistance. I make enough money that I could support myself pretty comfortably, but not a family. It's a hard life living from check to check. I'm putting a lot of irons in the fire, so to speak, and working on a couple of business ideas, but it's hard when you have no startup money, horrendus credit, and worry about how to put enough gas in the tank to get thru the week.


Are you sure about not qualifying for aid? You have possibly a disabled child and disabled spouse. Those - as health issues - might be separate from straight finances?

I was thinking specifically about Medicare coverage for your wife. You really have nothing to lose by looking into it.


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