# Mother in-law financially dependent



## rossandrachel (Oct 31, 2016)

Hello everyone, this is my first post here. I'm looking for some sort of way to vent my thoughts. I'm hoping for some suggestions as well. Maybe someone has experienced the same situation. This is going to be a longer post so bear with me...here it goes...

My husband and I have been married for a year now. For 2 years of our relationship, we lived in his family home in the basement. The family consisted of his mother (who is divorced) and a younger sister. We luckily had the entire basement to ourselves so we definitely had privacy. Now I don't know if it is because I was brought up differently and maybe this has to do with culture as well but I definitely wanted to save for our own house alone. My husband is Indian and the only son/oldest child. He has one younger sister, 27 years old. 

After about 8 months of living in the family home I began bringing up my desire to move out into our own house. Before living with his family I didn't really know what the family dynamic was like, but after about 8 months it was clear that his mother made all of the decisions. If she wanted to buy something for the house, they would buy it. This started to get to me. Let me explain why.

My husband owns his own business. He began this business with the help of his mother. He was young, 23 years old, so she helped him sort out a loan (in his name), a building to rent, equipment etc. She quit her job as a office receptionist and assistant to start this business with him as office reception/helped him maintain his office (really it was the same job as before but just working for her son instead). 

At the beginning of our relationship his mom took money out of the business account to pay mortgage and expenses as needed to support their family household. His mother was in complete control of the finances for the business. When I came along, my husband and I would talk a lot about finances and saving for a down payment of your own. Instead of taking money from the business as needed, he began to pay his mother and himself a salary every month and out of his salary he would pay her mortgage payment. Therefore he took over the finances for the business. 

Things started to change at work, his mom began to come part time to work and soon not at all. She hired an office receptionist and is currently on a month vacation abroad. She is taking time to "find herself". She is desperately trying to find herself a husband. Currently my husband pays her a salary whether she comes into work or doesn't. He believes because she helped him in the beginning he owes it to her to take care of her financially. So ultimately this is my issue: he supports her whether she works or not financially and he doesn't ever refuse her money if she wants or needs it for something. There is a whole other post coming for how emotionally dependent she is on her son. Do all mother in laws demand this much emotional and financial support?

Our situation:
We decided together to purchase a house in a new development and our house is currently being built. My husband will occasionally bring up the fact that if it was up to him he would still be living with his mother. But I know he is just as excited as me for this new house. I don't believe he really feels that way, but he definitely feels bad that his mother now lives alone. He wants her to find happiness of course.

We both hold separate bank accounts, but after getting married we changed them into 2 joint accounts. My husband wanted our money to be put into one joint bank account but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I still feel like my husband is tied financially to his mother. If she needs money, he will give her what she needs. This always comes out of his business account , so it doesn't affect our personal joint accounts but I have a hard time trusting that it never will because he always tells me if she needs the money he will give. 

Obviously this causes tension in our marriage because he feels that I don't trust him.I guess he is right in that aspect. But I am very focused on saving for our future and not his mothers. She is very bad with money and I don't want that ever to put a strain on us. We are hoping to start our own family this year.

Please please comment! 

Thanks for reading.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You are between a rock and a charred place. The mother-in-law is transferring her eye brow soot onto you and into your marriage.

You know this. Keep doing what you are doing. Do not combine your accounts.

One of you must remain strong....read disciplined. That is you, not Pati.

Yes, these types of strong family inter-relationships [interference?] is common in the Indian culture.


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## rossandrachel (Oct 31, 2016)

Thanks for your response. I like your witty way with words.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

rossandrachel said:


> Hello everyone, this is my first post here. I'm looking for some sort of way to vent my thoughts. I'm hoping for some suggestions as well. Maybe someone has experienced the same situation. This is going to be a longer post so bear with me...here it goes...
> 
> My husband and I have been married for a year now. For 2 years of our relationship, we lived in his family home in the basement. The family consisted of his mother (who is divorced) and a younger sister. We luckily had the entire basement to ourselves so we definitely had privacy. Now I don't know if it is because I was brought up differently and maybe this has to do with culture as well but I definitely wanted to save for our own house alone. My husband is Indian and the only son/oldest child. He has one younger sister, 27 years old.
> 
> ...


This is a tough spot to be in. I assume you are caucasian while your husband is Indian. Indian culture is very different from Western culture, I know this as I am also married to an Asian. The parents often commingle their finances with their children, particularly eldest sons and it is expected that the eldest son takes care of them. I had similar problems for the first 10 years of marriage, where properties were jointly bought under my H and her (MIL) name, not mine, although it was supposed to be ours. I eventually got that changed, but it took time.
I complained but was dismissed. Only after we moved away did that dependency all change. Your H sounds like a mama's boy, they usually are and the ties to the mother are usually very strong. You have to explain your culture and that now you are married you also have certain boundaries and expectations. 
I assume you do not have children yet. It is likely your MIL will interfere in their upbringing too. Moving to your own home will solve many of these issues but you sound as if you do not want to pay her salary. If she has no other means of financial support, you may have no choice in the matter, his family do not follow western values and you have to be cognizant of this. My H's parents still get substantially financial support here and there and I have learned to live with it as long as it does not affect my own children or myself. You may have to do the same and learn to pick and choose the battles you take on.

You have to move out, staying with the family will only make matters worse. When will your house be ready? I refused to live with the family and only did so for around 6 months when waiting on new house. That was tough. Explain to your H your need for independence and the setting up of your own family unit.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

My advice is the same as everyone. Move out as soon as the house is finished. Keep your money in your name. Because this way you wouldn't feel like he can take your money to give to his mum. And you would be more secure in knowing you are saving for your future. 

But understand that his mother will always be in his life and those ties are hard to break. Just keep reminding him of the plans for the future.

He sounds like he is taking steps to distance himself from his mother but not enough for you. Give it time and realized that she will always have power over him.


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## rossandrachel (Oct 31, 2016)

Thanks for your response. I think as life goes on we will eventually get the distance. Her power is using her divorce to make my husband feel guilty. He feels responsible financially and always tells me to give her time to figure out what she wants to do in life. It is frustrating for me because at 50 years old you would think you would have your life figured out. She has been telling my husband that she plans to be financially independent soon but practically speaking this is not possible unless she finds a job. She is very much a dreamer and is the most impractical person I know. She is also very bad at saving money and it is clear to me that we will be financially providing for her throughout her retirement. She has no money in her savings and the only thing she owns is her house. She recently took out a 60,000 dollar loan to pay off her car payment and travel europe for a month. 

I know that I can't be involved in her financial decisions but I feel like this person is affecting my husband and I because we will always be financially tied to her. Is this the wrong way of thinking?


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## rossandrachel (Oct 31, 2016)

Wow, your patience is admirable. 10 years is a long time. Thanks for your response. It's nice to know that I'm not alone. 

A part of me is actually very proud that my husband is so supportive of his mother. Everyone always says, see how a man treats his mother as it is an indication of how he will be as a husband. 

I have tried to express to my husband that I do not mind that he supports her but my issue is that each month it should be the same amount. She should have to save like everyone else does if she wants something. She shouldn't be able to ask for 2 thousand dollars more one month because her mortgage payment is due. This unpredictable behaviour makes me very anxious. Some months she is taking a paycheck that is more than my husbands. I disagree with this 100% because he is working and she comes in occasionally when she feels like it.


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## rossandrachel (Oct 31, 2016)

4 more months until our house is ready!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

rossandrachel said:


> She has no money in her savings and the only thing she owns is her house. She recently took out a 60,000 dollar loan to pay off her car payment and travel europe for a month.


This type of pure stupidity and complete irresponsibility is EXACTLY why I'd put my money *BACK* in my own account if I were you. You know whose going to get stuck PAYING for this loan, don't you?

It's admirable that your husband feels a sense of responsibility toward his mother and wants the best for her because she's been very generous with him for years. But it's quite another when she's doing ignorant things like taking second mortgages on her house for large sums of money to pay off her car and blow the bulk of it on traveling around the world while your husband basically funds that stupidity. It's like she does whatever the hell she wants then holds her hand out for her allowance, making sure he gives her enough to cover whatever she's blown that month.

And as long as he's foolish enough to pander to her, it *will* continue.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

rossandrachel said:


> My husband will occasionally bring up the fact that if it was up to him he would still be living with his mother. But I know he is just as excited as me for this new house. I don't believe he really feels that way


Well..... BELEIVE IT! Your husbands a quintessential momma's boy. 

As far as his mentality goes, she has as much say in your lives as you do.

This is not what married is. If he can't put you first then you have nothing.

Your just another woman in his harem. You need to issue an ultimatum.

That's not to say he needs to disown his mother or anything, obviously.

However, mom needs to STOP being DEPENDANT on her son and live her own life. 

And that only happens if HE cuts the cord. It's that or continue to play second fiddle.

Up to you.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I don't think it's fair to disparage him. This is the way it is done in his culture. It is how he is raised and it was the expectation of his parents that he would support them. They made financial decisions when he was growing up with that in mind. Rather than saving money in retirement funds, they put it towards their kids with the expectation that the kids are their retirement funds. If you're not in that culture it can seem jarring or unfair, but it's totally normal and expected to them.

This will not go away. His mom is expecting to maintain her role in his life and that he will support her as best as he can. That's how she was raised her whole life. Essentially, think of her and her son being in a "married" kind of relationship much more than parent-child. 

Neither of you are "right". You are each trying to shape the relationship to your own culture. In my experience, I haven't found Indian mothers being very open to compromise on this, so I think you have a tough road ahead if you want things to be different.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Can your husband afford to continue paying his mother's salary as well as the salary for her replacement?
If she isn't working and he's now paying someone else, that isn't a salary anymore. It's an allowance. 

How you have described the dynamic between your husband and his mother does sound culturally normal. If your husband is going to continue to keep supporting his mother financially, he will need to put her on a budget or this will get out of hand. He doesn't seem to be able to say no to his mother.

The two of you should sit down and discuss what is reasonable and appropriate given his beliefs. Don't disrespect his cultural beliefs; work within them. He is the head of the family now and he should not let his mother dictate how she wants things. He should be fair and reasonable with her and not let her take over his finances by wildly spending and then expecting him to pick up the slack. In order to correct this, he will have to speak frankly with her and set approrpriate boundaries.

How does your husband feel about his mother quitting her job and expecting to continue being paid? He seems to have a strong sense of obligation and his mother seems to be quite manipulative towards him. You cannot and should not try to fix that, but you can point it out and express your concerns.

I recommend that you and your husband make financial plans for how you are going to manage and grow the finances in your family, but that you do it together and his believes on what is due his mother are included in those plans. You mil seems to think that she has as much authority to control your husband's finances as he does and more than you do. That is not how it should be. You are his woman and you two are supposed to be in unity building your family together.

This will take communication and understanding on your part, but it is up to you to start, as your husband probably doesn't see an issue with any of this. Be respectful to him, but let him know that you have expectations and need him to work with you in order for the marriage to be healthy and run by you two, not by her.


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## rossandrachel (Oct 31, 2016)

Thanks for your response. Her carefree attitude about money is definitely a problem. We are complete opposites in that way. My bank account is separate from my husbands and probably will stay that way. The only reason I feel I need to keep it that way is his mother. She likes to "borrow" money and always says she will pay it back from her retirement tax free account. Which is a huge red *** in itself. 

To my husband he takes it as I don't trust him. Which I guess is true. I don't trust that he will say NO to his mother. Literally today she called from France asking about her paycheck. 

I am practical enough to know that because she did not save for her retirement, my husband is going to be giving her money for the rest of her life. She is 50 now and it's not like she can go and get a job at this point. I have accepted this. What I cannot accept is when she asks for more on top of this. THIS is not fair from my perspective because my husband is the one working his butt off, very long hours. So I don't ever believe that she should take a bigger paycheck home than him because he does all the WORK. A few months she has taken a BIGGER paycheck.


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## rossandrachel (Oct 31, 2016)

CynthiaDe you are amazing. This advice is perfect. Thank you soooo much. 

My husband has been able to pay his mothers salary and the replacement. I am slowly accepting that this will have to be this way as she did not save at all for her retirement. The thing that really gets me mad is that some months she asks for more, and he gives her whatever she asks for. This is bad for 2 reasons, she has no concept of SAVING! and she is not working so why does she get to be paid more than my husband!

Culturally we are different yes but another thing that bothers me is that she has paid no money to her parents in India. In fact they no longer speak at all. So really she has not shown that respect to her parents and now demands it from her son. It's really quite amazing.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I am older than your mil and most people my age have many years ahead until retirement, so yes she can just go out and get a different job. But why should she? It sounds like she was doing a perfectly fine job at your husband's business until she decided that she would rather play than work and your husband allowed her to leave the job and still get paid. If she wants money, she should get back to work and take responsibility for herself.

Of course, you can't make your husband set a boundary, but you can insist that you two make a plan for your personal finances. It sounds like this is all unplanned and spontaneous. Spontaneity is great in some respects, but not when it comes to providing for a family. Time to start talking about investments and planning for the future. Living paycheck to paycheck is not a good way to live.


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