# Feeling used



## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

I feel kind of silly even posting this question because it really shouldnt matter to me but I just want to get some things straightened out. 

I slept with an older man once a few months back. He was very interested in me and he pretty much started everything. He came to see me on my lunches and after work and we would text a lot. He acted like he was really into me and that he really cared. I was going through a hard time and I took the bait. Mistakenly we slept together.

About a month after that he broke it off with me and said that he had been feeling bad about everything. 

I am just curious if he just used me for sex. I am alot younger then him and he told me that him and his wife didnt have sexual compatability whatever that means. I think I was taken advantage of, because I fell head over heels in love with this man. If I see him now he is very short with me and distant. It hurts my feelings and it bothers me because I feel like trash. I am a nice person and of course didnt plan on this happening. 

I feel like he knew exactly what he was doing, because he said he had an affair once before. Anyways I have been thinking about telling him this to his face to at least maybe make me feel better about this situation and was curious if anyone else thought that this is what went on. thanks for any advice.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I will simply reply with my quote from your "Mistakes" thread



Amplexor said:


> You were definitely played. You may feel like you love him but what is he worth? He has a wife and kids and has an affair with a woman young enough to be his daughter. Once he slept with you he distanced himself. Do you think this is the first time? Do you think it will be the last??? Get this loser out of your life. Until you can do that you wont really be able to gage your feelings for your husband.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I am sorry hun but you were He wanted one thing from you then he got it. Men dont really want a relationship when they are in one they just want sex.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Yes he played you.

draconis


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Just a suggestion but please LEARN from this experience. Listen to your inner voice. Just don't lay down on your back again for a loser like this or any other guy. Love yourself enough to make a guy work for you. Really be sure he has sincere intentions and no ulterior motive before you're intimate with anyone again. I think in this day we see too many celebrities jumping in and out of beds both on and off screen. Women need to start respecting themselves more to just give it up to anyone. The man you are with will respect you and if it doesn't feel right or he's rushing you, show him the door honey.:smthumbup:


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

sunflower said:


> Men dont really want a relationship when they are in one they just want sex.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I wasnt trying to be mean I just see so many women in this situation I had a friend of mine that was having a affair with a married man and it was horrible you could see what he was doing and she couldnt I am sorry if I came off that way thats not how I ment it.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Well you are obsessed with him. You don't even mention your husband anymore. You probably remember your thread "mistakes"

Here is what I wrote.



Initfortheduration said:


> babyblues7,
> 
> If your husband has been having an emotional affair (EA) I can understand how much that hurts. You felt betrayed and abandoned. Will your husband start MC with you if you ask? If he doesn't want to or tries to sweep it under the rug. You may consider telling him about the affair (I suggest you do). This may be your only alternative. You have stated you are not happy in your marriage now. Do you think it will get better or worse if things remain as they are? If you want to save your marriage you cannot be complacent. You should seek individual counseling for yourself asap. I know I have not been compassionate in my posts it is only because right now (at least in my opinion) you do not need compassion you need accountability. Not for me or anyone else on this board. But for yourself. Because you are obviously miserable where you are and I hate seeing people in such sorrow. The only way out of this is through the fire. Your options are 1. keep everything buried and stay in cycle your in (because it will repeat itself). 2 Open up to your husband and try to salvage your marriage (it can be done. Or 3 just get a divorce and move on. But what happens in your next relationship if the same problem comes up?



This is now way past where you were back then. Do you even wonder anymore if you can save your marriage can be saved? Or do you focus completely on the other man. You cannot continue the way you are going. Is your husband still on the computer. Has he made any effort to change at all? Tell us how your marriage is working now. Lets not talk about the OM. Lets talk about what to do about your marriage.


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

I am not really obsessed with this other man, just dont like to feel like someone got the best of me. I am trying to find answers so that I will not make the same mistakes again. And honestly I did fall in love with this other man, it's been hard for me to let him go and to get over what I have done to my husband. 

Yes I have been working on my marriage. He has stopped with the internet crap from what I can tell right now. However, he still has a cellphone and I am sure that he still talks to women on there. I cant be sure but I am not very trusting at this point. We have discussed more things and I have not told him about my affair. 

Just really trying to find my way with all this and I am trying to do whats best for everyone at this point.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Since you won't be honest with your husband and he won't be honest with you. When you say that you are working on your, you are obviously not working on any form of honesty with each other. You have been hear how long? Its like painting over an old rusty bridge. From a mile away it looks great. But when you get up close, its decayed, rusty and rotted. If that's the kind of marriage you are content with, then we should probably expect to see you here with other problems and other men in the future. How could it be different. 

You could make it different but that would involve being transparent and honest with your husband. Telling him what you've done and trying to start new. Your fear and inaction will doom to you shell of a marriage. Why be married at all?


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

I want to be honest with him and tell him everything. But it would only end our marriage. I know he should know what I did to him. 

I am concerned with how he will react and I know there are things that he has not told me nor never will. Yes I agree it would be nice to be open and honest and transparent with your significant other all the time, but you dont know how my marriage is personally and that is impossible in my marriage. 

I know it shouldnt be that way. I know my husband is not honest with me and never will be 100 percent. I really appreciate your advice initfortheduration. You are sincere in wanting to help people. thanks


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

If you have already decided that honesty won't work within the frame of your marriage, it will be difficult for you going forward not trusting him.

Is part of you that feels hurt by TOM due to him making you feel you were #1 to him, even over his wife and with your husband's past internet/phone stuff wasn't making you feel that way?

If you and your husband hide things from each other and have that feeling that things aren't right, continuing on this course won't magically make things better...you or he might stop doing things that you know are wrong within your marriage but you will continue to feel like you don't know the person you're married to.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I just hate to think that you could be happy looking down the road to 30, 40 or 50 years of this. I can't believe you want that for your life. If you had an affair in the first year of your marriage. And fell in love with another man. What's gonna happen 5 years or 10. You need to love and be loved. If you don't get that, you are going to die inside. Or find a way to get those needs filled somewhere else. This is more about your future then what you have done up to now. At least if you told your husband, you could either fix your marriage or move on to find someone to be TRULY (the operative word is TRUE) and openly in love with. That's what I would want for you.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Well said.


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

It's just that I know my husband loves me. He picked up this bad habit of the internet stuff. He says that its because I never acted interested in him. Thats not true. We dated for 6 years before we got married. I tried to break it off with him so many times but didnt want to hurt him.

The thing is before I met this other man I thought all men were like my husband. I had never dated much and I really didnt want to. I did and still do have low self esteem. But since I have met this other man it's like I never knew somebody could make me feel that way.

I dont want to hurt my husband and I know what I have done has done just that. And yes I do think this other man tried me like number 1 and yes my husband has never really made me feel that way. I really dont know what my husband could do to make me feel any better about him.

I dont understand why I just cant love him and move on, it would be so much easier. I think I did love him when we first got married, but like I said the way I feel about this other man totally seems blows the feelings that i have for my husband out of the water. That shouldn't be that way. Yeah I am worried about the future and I am just praying that things will work out for the both of us.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

So then you think your husband needs you not to hurt him, more then he needs to be with a woman that loves him? I would have to disagree. For all that he has done wrong, he does not deserve to be sentenced to a life long marriage to someone who doesn't love him. If I may, I don't think you are protecting him from hurt. I think you are protecting yourself from destroying his image of you. That is very selfish. That is almost as selfish as the affair. There is a difference between what your husband has done and what you have done. Your husband had internet sex, and looked at porn. He can stop that because he loves you. You on the other hand had a joining of your spirit to another man. Both were wrong but your husband can modify his behavior because he loves you. And he will be at peace about it, because its the truth. YOU, can modify your behavior but will never have peace about it because you will be living a lie (that you love him). People will do anything to live. Physically and EMOTIONALLY. You will not let yourself die emotionally. There are others that may be able to do that. But from what I have seen you are definitely not one of them.


NOW LISTEN TO ME. If you ever want a chance of loving your husband again, it is possible. But it will never happen the way you want it to.......Pain free. The only way you will ever be able to love your husband (and this is not a sure thing). Is by going up to him and saying: "Darling, I need to tell you something. I've had an affair with another man". If you don't do this. You will continue down the road you're on. 

Did you ever think that why you don't feel love for him is because you feel you don't deserve it? He was unfaithful, but you knew it. So he can move on. And still love you. You were unfaithful but he doesn't know it. The guilt (and I sense a lot of guilt) is so strong that you can't even think about loving him. So it is easier for you to love this other man and focus completely on him. Then to deal with the situation and try to restore your marriage. YOU ARE STILL CHEATING ON YOUR HUSBAND. BUT JUST AS BAD YOU ARE CHEATING YOURSELF. THE ONLY WAY TO FREE YOURSELF AND HIM IS GOING THROUGH THE FIRE OF PAIN. COULD YOUR MARRIAGE BE DESTROYED? YES. BUT IT COULD ALSO SURVIVE. WITH SCARS, YES. BUT WITH THE HOPE OF A NEW BEGINNING. EITHER TOGETHER OR APART. LIFE IS NOT PAIN FREE. IF YOU BURY IT, IT JUST COMES OUT IN DIFFERENT WAYS. PLEASE CONSIDER WHAT I HAVE SAID!!!!!


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

The reasons I have for not wanting to tell him are mainly because I dont want to hurt him. I really am not concerned with how he will look at me. I mean I know he will think bad of me, but that's expected.

I am really concerned with how he will react. He has a very bad temper and he will want to know who this other guy is and he would find him and try and make his life hell. I dont want to ruin someone's else's life, being my husbands, the other man's and his families all because of my mistake. 

You make a really good point about the reasons as to why maybe I am focusing on this other man, because I think that might be a little true. I figure we both have made mistakes so it would be easier to be with him because I know what he has done and vice versa. I really will consider your advice and deeply appreciate it!


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Well that's your decision. The man is not going to leave his family for you apparently. Regarding your first post. It does look like he used you for sex. babyblues, I won't beat a dead horse in regards to you telling your husband. But, because you won't tell him, and there is pretty much no way you will be able to reconcile your marriage without doing it, the charade continues. I am afraid that unless you get into I/C and deal with this issue, you will only move on to the next man who sparks your love interest. It will be easier to do the next time because you have already done it once. Unless your husband is a complete idiot, he will eventually find out. I have been talking with a husband who has been married for 16 years he has 3 children. He recently found out that for the first 10 years of his marriage his wife had carried out several affairs. He relates that the first ten years were rough and that his wife seemed like a completely different person after they married. Then after their third child was born things seemed to turn completely around. He tells me that they had a great marriage for the last 5 years. One day his middle son was in a serious accident that required a transfusion. He was unable to be a donor because he didn't have the same blood type. The attending physician asked him if his sons biological father was available. His wife was standing beside him when the question was asked. He said he took one look at his wife and knew immediately. He was crushed. Up until this came out. He had been a happy positive person who loved his family more then anything. He says that no one has seen him smile since. He says he can't remember how. He says his wife who loves him dearly now just seems to follow him everywhere. He said she looks like she has aged 10 years in the last six months. They are both on ADs. He says he still loves her more then anything and aches to hold her, but has basically not touched her since DD. The point in telling you this was to show you that the truth will come out sometime. It always does. We just don't know when or how.


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

Okay, I just bought myself a book to read it's called When Good People Have Affairs, I really hope it helps me, because I need something. 

Initfortheduration, I tried to tell my husband the other day, I had it planned out in my head of what I was going to say. 

Well when I sat him down to tell him, I only confessed to a kiss, because he got in such an uproar that I got nervous.

He said if i did not tell him, because I stopped once to take a breather, than he would start breaking things. I really didnt know what else to do. I asked him if he would prefer bad news in a letter or by mouth, he said by mouth. I was going to write him a letter. 

Well, I think I am going to wind up in a mental hospital. The thing is I think I know why I had the affair now, I truly think I dont love him. I just wanted to be loved and I dont think he has ever provided me with that feeling. And no, I will never let this happen again. I would never want to go through this pain and guilt ever again. It's the worst and most confusing situation that I have ever gotten myself into.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

So you arent in love with your husband?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

spare him and yourself. If you don't love him, leave. You are not doing you or him any favors. Learn from this, find the person who you love and loves you. Be kind to yourself.


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