# Owning my part but having a problem with blaming myself



## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Today I have been looking back at my marriage and realizing how I contributed to the demise of it. I am owning that and know the saying that divorce is 50/50 on each person and that an affair is 100% on the person who had it. I still feel responsible for his affair; although I know it is totally on him. It is easy to slip into those feelings of if I treated him better, had said this or that it wouldn't have happened etc. I also saw an email from his brother asking him how the "developments with the ladies was coming along." I know this is contributing to my feelings today. I wanted him to suffer more for all this; for breaking up our family, but I did that too! Then the other thoughts I have are why did he do this and it goes on and on. Just hoping someone out there can relate to my feelings. I am on a low and waiting to get back up. So glad I see my counselor tomorrow.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

Been through this myself. I went back and forth a long time blaming myself and blaming the exw. It's part of the natural progression. Wish I could give some advice but all I can say is I'm sorry you are feeling crummy. 

One thing that always sticks with me now is that while I did contribute to the marriage problems, I also recognized them and tried to fix it but that was a one way street. She had already checked out. Being honest, not sure I could have kept it together even if I did fix things early on. I think there was always going to be some type of issue that I needed to fix. But, if I look closely there are lots of things the exw needed to change as well and that was never going to happen. I'm guessing if you look closely you will see the same thing.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Thanks Paradise; yes I agree with you on all the issues. Even my counselor had mentioned to me that we had quite a few things to work out-the affair was just a symptom of our marriage but our problems came way before that. Before I knew what he was doing, I asked him to go to counseling with me and he told me he wasn't going to change so why should he? I checked out right along with him.


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## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

That is exactly the hardest part, maybe too little too late. Of course a marriage is a relationship with tow people, each person needs to be open to the others needs and honest about their own. In my marriage, I was always the giver, took care of everything, and in the end, my H just ended up feeling like I didn't need him. On the other hand, I was feeling totally frustrated that he never seemed to see how hard I was working, how tired I was all the time and how much I wished he was just there sometimes to offer me some caretaking. And I have so much clarity now and he won't offer any openness to talking about it. He just packed up and left. (Well, not really packed up, just left). My IC is going really well, making such changes in my relationships and he is missing out on the best parts. So sad


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

madaboutlove said:


> In my marriage, I was always the giver, took care of everything, and in the end, my H just ended up feeling like I didn't need him. On the other hand, I was feeling totally frustrated that he never seemed to see how hard I was working, how tired I was all the time and how much I wished he was just there sometimes to offer me some caretaking.


I could have written this - for 13 years everything revolved around him and making him happy and making sure he was ok

and I rarely got anything back

It's tiring being a mother to a 40-year old adult who should be mutually supporting you - I've realised this over the last three weeks...!


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Dolly and Mad- i could say the exact same things- i worked so hard for him and my family, took care of all of lifes details so he didnt have to, always earned twice as much as him ( if he had a job), took care of my son and house with only some help from him. He never noticed how tired i was or how much i begged for the help cause he was too busy only caring about himself and complaining about his life or playing his stupid video games. And i would get so frustrated and angry with him for it. Im actually better off on my own cause im not as angry since its all just on me now, and if i ever find someone else down the line i want an equal partner not for me to be a mom.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I've blamed myself completely for my Hs A and the breakdown of our marriage. I have carried so much guilt and remorse around with me for the last 10 months you wouldn't believe it!
I have finally realised THIS IS NOT MY FAULT ! He chose this path. He has chosen to destroy our family not me! I just wish he would just man up and do the right thing and come home!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Paradise said:


> Been through this myself. I went back and forth a long time blaming myself and blaming the exw. It's part of the natural progression. Wish I could give some advice but all I can say is I'm sorry you are feeling crummy.
> 
> [/B]One thing that always sticks with me now is that while I did contribute to the marriage problems, I also recognized them and tried to fix it but that was a one way street. She had already checked out. Being honest, not sure I could have kept it together even if I did fix things early on. I think there was always going to be some type of issue that I needed to fix. But, if I look closely there are lots of things the exw needed to change as well and that was never going to happen[/B]. I'm guessing if you look closely you will see the same thing.


Yeah, it sometimes takes something like this to wake us up. For the few years my W was checking out/changing, I was going through my own depression, drinking to numb the pain. 

Then, when she was far enough in her process to say so, I felt I hit rock bottom twice as hard. Not only, did I have to recover from my depression, I was now faced with a WAW who refused another chance, yet cared for me like a close friend.

I own up to neglecting her. I let "life" get in the way between us. She accepted it for years. But, I have always loved her, and hope my new ME will convince her that change can happen and can last and that she can have hope. That the 2 of us undergoing these changes can forge a new M relationship.

But that's a ways off.


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## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

Just letting go after almost 30 years together is too hard. Even when I see this in writing and I see how it happened, I don't know why it isn't worth any effort to try to save it. It produced 2 great kids, all kinds of memories, vacations, nights in the pool under the stars, romance, shared home project, etc. Just walk away


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

5Creed said:


> I also saw an email from his brother asking him how the "developments with the ladies was coming along." I know this is contributing to my feelings today


Unless you need the ammo for a high conflict divorce, then stop snooping and reading his emails. 

It's over, nothing there for you but more pain.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I would beat myself up day and night over stupid mistakes that caused the divorce. I felt terrible about how I would yell at her and I thought for sure the OM is better than me. That she would be better off with him and have a happier relationship. Now I see that I was too good to her and did more for her than she did for me. She never gave me the chance to show her that I had improved and am still a great guy she married. And as for the OM, he's a narcissistic A-hole who will never be half the man I am today. One day she will realize that she gave up on a good husband who truely cared enough about her to forgive her and fight to get her back. I just hope when that happens she's not looking in the mirror with black eye and father-less child


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

In the same boat right now. After she left I've started doing a lot of reading about relationship communication and constantly come across the stuff that I had done wrong (and what she had done wrong) and kick myself for how simple it would be to correct the problems that led to her leaving. Everyone, and I mean everyone, tells me to stop that. To stop reading the books and realize that SHE'S the one who left. She's the one who didn't communicate her unhappiness directly enough and there's nothing you can do about the past. Focus on you and work towards the future, be it with or without her.
But it's so very hard because I can see all the things that went wrong and how had just one of us changed just a little, things could have gone so differently...


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Nsweet said:


> I would beat myself up day and night over stupid mistakes that caused the divorce. I felt terrible about how I would yell at her and I thought for sure the OM is better than me. That she would be better off with him and have a happier relationship.


I keep going back to this... in my mind the OW is not only better than me, she is slimmer, younger, more easygoing, more fun and just more compatable than me.. I constantly compare myself to her. On a really bad day I wonder if everyone would just be better off without me... On a good day I tell myself she is a delusional fantasist, who is a sneaky conniving whitch and I wouldn't pee in her ear if her head was on fire.. but those days are few and far between


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Better than you?! She may better looking but that still doesn't change the fact that she willingly broke up a family and is not only a cheater but a chronic liar. And didn't you say she was 36 and living with your parents? There's no excuse for her to be doing what she's doing. She should fear that you will break up her relationship with your H not the other way around.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Nsweet said:


> Better than you?! She may better looking but that still doesn't change the fact that she willingly broke up a family and is not only a cheater but a chronic liar. And didn't you say she was 36 and living with your parents? There's no excuse for her to be doing what she's doing. She should fear that you will break up her relationship with your H not the other way around.


Yeah, 36 & still living with her parents (who know wbout my husband & their adultery & have accepted it - see where she gets her morals from?!) and there lies the problem, she has no morals, she believes that she is entitled to my husband because they have a history. (Not 24 years bint!!) 

Apparently she hates me because I have the marriage & kid which he has denied her so far... She hastold me she will not stop seeing him because he is hers now?!! Delued bint!!! she can have him


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

So use a little reverse psychology and subcommunicate that you give up. She is going to see you as competition no matter what you do if you let on that you are jealous and want him, and he will not trust anything you say until you fully accept that he belongs to her. The sooner you wave the white flag the better because they won't attack you when you stop trying to break them up. 

Take yourself out of the running by saying that you agree that she's the better woman and her history with him means he will make a better wife/mother to him (complete bullsh*t BTW). You're just telling her what she wants to hear so she will stop pressuring him to pull away from you. Tell him something about how this is not his fault and you would prefer he worked on the marriage back then but it's over now and you'll support his marriage to her. Again complete BS and you're only telling him this so he will stop being so defensive about cheating and attacking you. 

Give him a little space after this and watch his attitude towards you change. He may or may not chase you but he certainly will be confused by your new attitude which is why consistancy is the key. You need to stay strong and avoid any tests he may throw your way to shake you up. If you waffle you will only be pushing him further away and starting all over again. I know you said you don't want him back as a husband but at the very least you could do this so he will be a stronger presence in your kids lives without any resentment towards you.


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