# Man vs woman as provider...



## lisanpr (Jun 8, 2016)

My husband has always worked part-time and I've always been the main provider. Jobs in his field are very limited. For 10+ years he didn't do much to try to earn more income. I've held a grudge on him for this since pretty much our second year of marriage. If I brought it up, we would just fight, so I stopped. 

Some months ago I confronted him how unfair the situation had been. He made a big effort to find something and he did, but the income he makes is still not even half of what I make. Part of me is disappointed I married someone who hasn't been a provider and looks like he never will be. By provider I mean, a man who earns more than me and provides money for most bills, fun, retirement, and more for the family. 

The finances are so disappointing. Any thoughts on possible solutions?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Split all the bills between your income and his income, and whatever you have left, put in a savings account for yourself. If he wants more money, he can go out and earn it.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Which was your story again? You deleted your posts.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lisanpr said:


> Part of me is disappointed I married someone who hasn't been a provider and looks like he never will be.


Provider doesn't have to mean money. Does he do other things in the relationship like say most of the work at home, raise kids, stuff like that? Or does he just sit home and have fun?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

lisanpr said:


> My husband has always worked part-time and I've always been the main provider. Jobs in his field are very limited. For 10+ years he didn't do much to try to earn more income. I've held a grudge on him for this since pretty much our second year of marriage. If I brought it up, we would just fight, so I stopped.
> 
> Some months ago I confronted him how unfair the situation had been. He made a big effort to find something and he did, but the income he makes is still not even half of what I make. Part of me is disappointed I married someone who hasn't been a provider and looks like he never will be. By provider I mean, a man who earns more than me and provides money for most bills, fun, retirement, and more for the family.
> 
> The finances are so disappointing. Any thoughts on possible solutions?




Back in the day, I made good money and Mrs.CuddleBug made min wage + tips. Over the many years, half way through our marriage we made about the same due to the economy changing and manufacturing plants leaving our city replaced by retail. Today, Mrs.CuddleBug is the main provider were as I am starting completely over because of the oil crash.

Mrs.CuddleBug doesn't care who makes more money. As long as we're both working and helping pay the monthly bills, it doesn't matter who makes more.

We pay the monthly bills based on our income levels. So when I made more, back in the day, I paid for most of everything including upgrades. Today, all upgrades are split 50/50 and everything else is based on our income levels. It's fair and no one gets screwed.

I setup our finances this way. We also have our own bank accounts, but they're joint spousal. Same with our own credit cards, which are joint spousal as well. We both can see all our finances whenever we wish and both have full access to all passwords.

Ideally, I would be the sole provider and she could work part time and do whatever, but this is 2016 and not 1960 anymore. Two incomes are required today, were as back then one income was fine.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

lisanpr said:


> The finances are so disappointing. Any thoughts on possible solutions?


Sorry did you want a love or husband....or a paycheck.

do everyone a favour and go marry a bank loan.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

turnera said:


> Split all the bills between your income and his income, and whatever you have left, put in a savings account for yourself. If he wants more money, he can go out and earn it.


I can't see a man getting away with that kind of behavior if he had a lower earning spouse.

Let's say she did as you recommend, but subsequently divorced.Do you think that any money she set aside would be "hers alone" or "joint marital assets"? How about a mirror image situation where it's the man setting aside the money....it is "joint marital assets" or "his alone."

Your attitude sets a dangerous precedent. Do you think that the one who makes the most money gets to call the shots? 

She even admits his field is limited, but despite that, and despite the fact that he DID "make a big effort" (her words) and find something, she's still upset that she makes more. 
d
That last paragraph of the OP sounds to me like she would be just fine if the situation was revered, with HIM being a full time main provider and her being a part-timer. And I don't mean as a payback from her years being the main provider, I mean it sounds to me (and I admit I'm reading between the lines her), that she would be happy if she was the part timer from day 1 of the marriage.

And I don't think I'm off in reading between the lines. Look at the very title of her thread, "Man vs woman provider". It seems to me that she thinks her husband should earn more just because he's a man, and THAT'S the source of resentment, not the part-time vs full-time issue.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

lisanpr said:


> My husband has always worked part-time and I've always been the main provider. Jobs in his field are very limited. For 10+ years he didn't do much to try to earn more income. I've held a grudge on him for this since pretty much our second year of marriage. If I brought it up, we would just fight, so I stopped.
> 
> Some months ago I confronted him how unfair the situation had been. He made a big effort to find something and he did, but the income he makes is still not even half of what I make. Part of me is disappointed I married someone who hasn't been a provider and looks like he never will be. By provider I mean, a man who earns more than me and provides money for most bills, fun, retirement, and more for the family.
> 
> The finances are so disappointing. Any thoughts on possible solutions?


You have had a lot of disappointment in your marriage. He was verbally and emotionally abusive, too, correct? And you were fearing physical abuse?

You also mentioned meeting him young and dating only him. Maybe you are feeling that, in hindsight, it was shortsighted in your case to have limited yourself in this way?

Lisa, do you think the solution to your disappointment with him, financial and otherwise, might be a divorce? 

Just realize you may have to pay him alimony and possibly child support. But getting your freedom may be worth it. You want to feel good with the person you are with.


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## lisanpr (Jun 8, 2016)

sokillme -


> Provider doesn't have to mean money. Does he do other things in the relationship like say most of the work at home, raise kids, stuff like that? Or does he just sit home and have fun?


It's hard for me to quantify exact amounts of time. Throughout the marriage he worked part time, his total income depended on how many times he got called, mostly he made 10-20% my income, on good times at most 40%. For the rest of the time, a very rough estimate could be: 
5 yrs no kids, minimal house work help, lots of fun computer time, go to gym, visit with friends 
3 yrs help with 2 kids, minimal house work help, fun computer time, watch sports 
3 yrs help with 2 kids w/ a relative at home also helping with the kids, minimal house work help, fun computer time, watch sports
.5 yr step up with house work, much less time on computer, actively looking for jobs, working extra, help more with kids
That's a condensed summary. I give him credit for things he's done to help out like run errands, car maintenance or appointments, fixing broken things in the house, drive the family places or to appointments, but aside from helping out with the kids which is big work (mostly when the relative was not around) most of these years he was able to have fun.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If tables were reversed and your husband made substantially more money than you, would he be justified in accusing you of being unfair because you weren't trying to equal or exceed his financial contribution to the family? That is the situation for most American heterosexual couple households...the man typically contributes more money to the finances.


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## lisanpr (Jun 8, 2016)

CuddleBug -


> Mrs.CuddleBug doesn't care who makes more money. As long as we're both working and helping pay the monthly bills, it doesn't matter who makes more.


I totally agree with this, if he would've made an effort to earn money during the time he had no work in his part-time job (mostly worked 5-15 hrs/wk evening and weekend hours). He never tried hard to earn additional income until recently so it didn't feel like we both were in this together, each doing their fair share to bring income home.


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## lisanpr (Jun 8, 2016)

*JLD *- Yes to all your questions. I was set on separating 6 months ago but decided to give him a chance. He has changed a lot for sure, but it may be too late. Still figuring that one out.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

lisanpr said:


> JLD - Yes to all your questions. I was set on separating 6 months ago but decided to give him a chance. He has changed a lot for sure, but it may be too late. Still figuring that one out.


Have you seen a lawyer, Lisa? 

Getting some professional advice in terms of what you can expect financially and custody-wise would be helpful. 

Also, something I wanted to mention to you the other day. Considering there is a chance he may become physically aggressive with you, I would not recommend your being transparent with him unless a professional counselor who is seeing you also recommends it. I would never want you aggressed by him because you were trying to be open and honest with him. Safety first.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You knew this about him when you married him. 

You have done nothing to change the dynamic. Whining about it is not working, so switch to a different tack. Turnera has offered the best advice so far. 

Your husband is a deadbeat with no ambition. How long are you gong to carry this marriage?


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## lisanpr (Jun 8, 2016)

I did consult a lawyer already; divided assets and alimony due if I separate. Not as concerned with agression anymore, he's more under control. But I agree safety first. Thanks!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

lisanpr said:


> I did consult a lawyer already; divided assets and alimony due if I separate. Not as concerned with agression anymore, he's more under control. But I agree safety first. Thanks!


Did the lawyer mention how long you would have to pay alimony?


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## lisanpr (Jun 8, 2016)

Didn't discuss how long. She just said divided assets and child support, and may have to do spousal support too but the judge may not approve SS since he would get half of assets including half my retirement account money. 
He is making a big effort to change things though. For the kids sake I'm just taking it day by day to see if it's worth staying.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

lisanpr said:


> Didn't discuss how long. She just said divided assets and child support, and may have to do spousal support too but the judge may not approve SS since he would get half of assets including half my retirement account money.
> He is making a big effort to change things though. For the kids sake I'm just taking it day by day to see if it's worth staying.


Lisa, how old are you? And how long have you been married?

Being 30 and married 10 years is not going to be as costly to you as being 40 and married 20 years, you know?


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## lisanpr (Jun 8, 2016)

Mid thirties +. Married 12+ but in the relationship 16+ Started going out with him when I was 19.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

lisanpr said:


> Mid thirties +. Married 12+ but in the relationship 16+ Started going out with him when I was 19.


Just realize that the longer you stay, the more of your retirement he is going to get.

Are you in counseling, Lisa? I think some professional advice would be good. I don't see much upside to you for staying in the relationship. 

Yes, the kids' lives would obviously be affected. How old are they?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

so, let me see if i understand.

is it the lack of money that you resent, or that he is under motivated in regards to work?

are you of the sort that feels a man is worth what he makes, i.e. in order to be a respectable guy he needs to make lots of $?

what i am gathering is the former, but you sound like you are bothered also by the lack of money, like he should be making more than you to be a real man.

put it another way: if he was really hard working, like 40-50 hrs a week and a solid guy but still made considerably less than you, would you be ok with that or not?

can you clear this up for us?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My take is that she resented him enjoying a carefree life while she's been working full time the entire marriage. IMO, if I'm going to be not working full time, never more than 40% of the time my H does, MY job is to keep the household running, keep it spotless, make sure he doesn't have to worry about anything when he gets home. And if it was my H who was home, I'd be expecting HIM to do all that. And her H wasn't doing that. So, yeah, I'd be pissed off too.


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## lisanpr (Jun 8, 2016)

turnera said:


> My take is that she resented him enjoying a carefree life while she's been working full time the entire marriage. IMO, if I'm going to be not working full time, never more than 40% of the time my H does, MY job is to keep the household running, keep it spotless, make sure he doesn't have to worry about anything when he gets home. And if it was my H who was home, I'd be expecting HIM to do all that. And her H wasn't doing that. So, yeah, I'd be pissed off too.


You said it turnera. That's how I feel. He would ocassionally do extra things, like cook, or laundry, but only occassionally. He definitely had it carefree for a long time. If I started asking about doing more or mentioned his computer time he would get defensive and there would be an argument. So I stopped asking a long time ago, then kids came and I was focused on them. Denial about the whole thing, wasn't a good idea cause the resentment was still there. Then his moods were either angry outbursts/put downs or super sweet/loving, so that besides the money thing was a lot to swallow for a long time.
JLD - Yes, I go to therapy.


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## theb4ssplayer (Apr 28, 2016)

Expectations will have a huge impact on your relationship. I know this was a long time ago, but did you go to counseling before you got married? Did y'all talk about financial expectations for each of you?

TBH it sounds like the issue is a little more than just financial. It sounds like he has had a bit of extended adolescence, that he is ok with spending his time with the boys or working out or playing games while you have to work harder. I can understand why you'd be resentful.

I'd have a serious conversation with him, and have counseling before approaching a divorce lawyer.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

lisanpr said:


> My husband has always worked part-time and I've always been the main provider. Jobs in his field are very limited. For 10+ years he didn't do much to try to earn more income. I've held a grudge on him for this since pretty much our second year of marriage. If I brought it up, we would just fight, so I stopped.
> 
> *Some months ago I confronted him how unfair the situation had been. He made a big effort to find something and he did, but the income he makes is still not even half of what I make. Part of me is disappointed I married someone who hasn't been a provider and looks like he never will be. *By provider I mean, a man who earns more than me and provides money for most bills, fun, retirement, and more for the family.
> 
> The finances are so disappointing. Any thoughts on possible solutions?


Lisa- it is really difficult to separate this based on your other threads (now deleted) as this is just one issue of many you have with your husband.

Remembering from other threads- your husband has been making some changes toward the better and it sounds like this is another area he is doing just that. 

Moving the past aside, and looking at the present...Is he working full-time, although his pay is still less? 

What solutions are you looking for? 

Are finances not making ends meet?
Are you not sharing equal burden for household chores?
Or are you looking for a change in perspective- seeing the need for a partnership with your spouse in the context of your current state of the union?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

lisanpr said:


> You said it turnera. That's how I feel. He would ocassionally do extra things, like cook, or laundry, but only occassionally. He definitely had it carefree for a long time. If I started asking about doing more or mentioned his computer time he would get defensive and there would be an argument. So I stopped asking a long time ago, then kids came and I was focused on them. Denial about the whole thing, wasn't a good idea cause the resentment was still there. Then his moods were either angry outbursts/put downs or super sweet/loving, so that besides the money thing was a lot to swallow for a long time.
> JLD - Yes, I go to therapy.


What does your therapist recommend? That you consider divorce, or continue to give him time?

I think your resentment is totally justified, btw.


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## BeautyBeast (Feb 3, 2015)

Why would you pay spousal support? You mentioned that he helped very little with kids, so he did not give up his career to be SAHD. Your marriage is 12 y in duration, it's slightly above medium term. SS is normally for long term like 20 years. 
I assume he has no health issues that prevent him from finding a job and providing for him-selves.
Find better lawyer. There is very slim chance for SS and a good lawyer should get rid of it.

Make sure kids stay with you, so you don't pay child support to the lazy.

The issue is not you being a provider, but him enjoying a free ride. If you make more money, he should take more childcare and do more housework. Same would apply if he was a breadwinner.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

spotthedeaddog said:


> Sorry did you want a love or husband....or a paycheck.
> 
> do everyone a favour and go marry a bank loan.


I assume this is because you are angry that women expect you to subsidise them. It is true, women do generally expect this. Just as I would (in the anglo-saxon world) expect my wife to take my name rather than vice-versa. There is still some traditional sexism/roles in society and to deny that is futile.

Your complaint would be more suited to a woman who has a large inherited income, but complains that her husband still has to work and not earn as much as her. Or a woman who expects her husband to do the housework as she does some part-time work. 

In this case, she is actually working harder and he is doing very little. It is a far from typical situation and it very unfair on her.


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## AndyR (Jun 16, 2016)

First, it's important to realize that a marriage is a team effort. Each person has weaknesses that the other person should compliment. That being said, it appears that one of his weaknesses is that he has been unwilling or unable to recognize and address the level of resentment that has become a problem in the marriage. Resentment that his actions, or lack of action has caused. 
It's important for each of you guys to work together to get the level of understanding up to par with the seriousness of the problem. 
One thing to remember is that no one listens when someone else yells at them. It is important that the person conveying the message remember to maintain cool no matter how the other person reacts to the message being conveyed. 
Fact 1: The marriage needs healing. I suggest you read the book "Red Hot Sexy Marriage" http://bit.ly/1Mo4ADy
Fact 2: It is incumbent upon you to diffuse your end of the disagreement and approach the the tender subject of getting your husband to make more money by dogmatically building him up rather than verbally tearing him down. You can do that by researching ways for him to make more money and gently encouraging him to pursue opportunities that can make more income for your family. Stretching the money that you have is an integral part of being happy financially. Make it a fun effort that you both pursue together and restore the closeness that originally existed in your marriage.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

You really should divorce. With this new information and your previous posts, you are wasting your time in this marriage. 

Seek the best lawyer to work in your best interest and he should seek the same.

Best of luck because divorce will be hard on the kids, but it has been a long time coming in your particular case.


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