# He left and I cant stop contacting him Help



## bronyre0207 (Jun 4, 2020)

So this is my first time on here and someone suggested I get help here. I am 45 years old and have been with my husband for 20 yrs. In the relationship there has been cheating on his end and emotional abuse. I can say I was nowhere perfect and did contribute to the demise of my marriage. 

I felt he was cheating again and Saturday I confronted him and ask to see his phone. He wouldn't give it to me and I said if you are cheating you need to leave and he got up and started packing and left within 30 minutes. Now during this time I was begging and pleading dont leave me. He said he had it and was done. 

We have two children together and I haven't worked in 16 years. Once he left I started to text non stop. The first night I didnt sleep and I text one right after the other. He would only answer that he didnt want to talk to me and he was done for good. He would pay the bills and the house for now and he would see the kids. I begged and pleaded for him to talk to me. He then became cold and cruel. He doesn't want to talk to me except about money and kids. He is getting a apartment and needs a chunk of is check. 

I text non stop until Wednesday night and didn't text anything yesterday. I asked for closure for him to stop being so cruel to me and have some compassion. Its like everything I am saying he just doesn't care. I know in my heart its over and it for the better but I am scared. I have been with him for so long and dont have a job. There is pandemic going on and there are literally no jobs right now. I have two children that I am talking care of as well. 

Why am I begging this man for attention. I keep asking if he loves me and he says no. I ask if he will see me and he asks me for what. I told you its over. I cant eat I am hardly sleeping while he is already moved on. He wants a divorce and he keeps texting he is not coming back ever.

At this point he is supposed to pick up the rest of his stuff and see the kids but doesn't want to physically see me. After he said that I dont want to see him either because it will hurt me. I will want to talk to him and I cant do this stuff in front of the kids. I am afraid he is going to pull the plug financially even though he said he wasnt. He is paying everything for 6 months so I can get a job. 

I am living in a nightmare right now and set up therapy appointments over zoom because I am so desperate for help. I am not doing well and especially the way he is handling this as if he doesn't care if I died tomorrow. 
I should be the one being mad and mean but I am not. Instead I am here acting like a lunatic trying to get any positive attention from him.

Please help and advice I can get to get past this would help.


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## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

Oh sweetheart (((hugs))) 

I was where you are now a year ago. I’m 48, 2 teens. It’s hell. I still cry. But I promise you that you won’t always feel this way. You are on the floor right now and all you can really do is go with it and do what you can to make it through this. 

What I found really helped were: 

1) posting in forums such as this one where people have been through this 

2) watch lots of YouTube stuff about coping with break ups, cheating and trauma bonds

3) lots of self help, again YouTube for break up meditation when you go to bed at night. Anything to soothe the turmoil you’re feeling

4) Confide in-and spend time with friends and family

5)Dr for antidepressants if you feel you need them

6) counselling


7) read up on the 180 and turn the tables on him . You’ll have to act at first, a lot, it’s hard and you will have to dig deep

8) hug your kiddies. A lot! 

Its one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced (I lost both parents in their early 60s only 2 years apart so I’ve experienced grief before). The pain and torment is not to be underestimated but I hope some of my suggestions may help you. 

Others will be along with good advise. Don’t be with an abuser and serial cheater, you are worth more - and this all means that someone more loyal is out there for you in the future. My marriage wasn’t perfect either... no marriage is. He will blame you to justify his actions, don’t ask for his opinion of you anymore, he’s not worthy of you and has likely undergone some chemical changes that mean he’s not really in this planet right now. You will do the healthy recovery work and ultimately come out of this in better shape than he will.
There are many wise people on here who’ll be along soon to add very wise words.


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## secretsheriff (May 6, 2020)

You say there has been cheating and abuse.

Who has cheated? Who has abused?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

This stuff you’re going through is the worst pain ever. All I can say is that contacting him will do nothing but drive him away. You MUST knuckle up and get though this. It can be done. It will get better, but it takes a while. I went through it, wanted to do damn near anything to stop hurting. The things that helped me were exercise and getting busy on projects. The last two years I’ve cleared a lot built a cabin on the lake, a boathouse, and a pier, all by hand. 
I can give you hope that things will get better. They will. It will happen so slowly you won’t think so. It will. 
hang in there. 
I’m very sorry.


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## bronyre0207 (Jun 4, 2020)

secretsheriff said:


> You say there has been cheating and abuse.
> 
> Who has cheated? Who has abused?


He has cheated three times and he was emotional abusive.


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## bronyre0207 (Jun 4, 2020)

Delilah1971 said:


> Oh sweetheart (((hugs)))
> 
> I was where you are now a year ago. I’m 48, 2 teens. It’s hell. I still cry. But I promise you that you won’t always feel this way. You are on the floor right now and all you can really do is go with it and do what you can to make it through this.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for your kind words. I am already starting therapy


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## bronyre0207 (Jun 4, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> This stuff you’re going through is the worst pain ever. All I can say is that contacting him will do nothing but drive him away. You MUST knuckle up and get though this. It can be done. It will get better, but it takes a while. I went through it, wanted to do damn near anything to stop hurting. The things that helped me were exercise and getting busy on projects. The last two years I’ve cleared a lot built a cabin on the lake, a boathouse, and a pier, all by hand.
> I can give you hope that things will get better. They will. It will happen so slowly you won’t think so. It will.
> hang in there.
> I’m very sorry.


I feel hopeless. Its the worst feeling knowing he doesn't love me anymore. I have to start being busy.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

Please stop calling him nonstop. It will drive him crazy and away from you. He was waiting to hear that word from you” leave” and he left. Do you want him back because you love him or you keep forgiving him because you can’t support yourself financially since you haven’t worked for 16 years? 
Right now you are feeling hopeless but You will be better without him if he is a cheater and abuser.


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## bronyre0207 (Jun 4, 2020)

I always thought is was financial but once he left i realized I really did love him. Or maybe I am afraid of being alone. All I know I have cried everyday since last Saturday. I hear is voice when he talks to the kids and it breaks my heart.


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## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

bronyre0207 said:


> He has cheated three times and he was emotional abusive.


I am reminded of some YouTube’s I watched on ‘trauma bonds’. They are tough to break free from but understanding them may help you.
Kept posting and find things to soothe your mind a little if you can. Warm baths, relaxation music, cosy blankets, a gentle tv series, hugs with the kiddies.
We are here for you.
(((Hugs hugs hugs)))


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