# used and confused



## 2ndchance? (Oct 2, 2011)

I am 22 and have been married for 2 years been together for 5yrs. No kids. I just recently opened my eyes and really thought about all the stuff I have been going through ever since I've been married. I am a very successful person for my age. I have a great job and own a house. On the other hand my husband neither has a good paying job or has the motivation to look. Ever since I started my career my husband has not helped pay any of the bills. I have tried to get him to get a better job I have even told him I would support him while going back to school. He tells me all the time he will but has an excuse as to why he cant . Just recently he lost his license for not paying a ticket. I already am financially stretched and I just feel like he's dragging me down with decisions he is making. 

He also enjoys sitting around watching tv all day, where i'd like to be out doing stuff. If I want him to come with me even to the movies there is an argument before he'll agree to come. I personally thought this wouldn't bother me but as I grow as a person, I feel like my life isn't being fulfilled by the way I'm living it now. I want to live life whereas he wants to stay right where he is.

I feel like I have fallen out of love with my husband and want to move on. I can try to work on things but I have been tryin to get him to change for almost 2 yrs now! I'd just like some advice on what to do next


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I can relate to what you are feeling. Your husband might be depressed, and having the wife as the breadwinner can be a bad thing. Men get hurt by it. 

Only thing I can say is if this is changed behavior, he might find himself again. 
I would immediately let him know that he has pay half the bills. Just to show you are a couple. And he should go to counselling, and "find himself" or man up. 
In the meantime, find things to do that make you happy. And go do them. That is helping me tremendously. He might get tired of sitting at home alone.


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## 2ndchance? (Oct 2, 2011)

I had told him over and over to help pay but he always says he needs the money for other bills or whatever


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

What other bills? 

Yow own a house? So he does not have his name on this house, that you both live in? If so, pay only half the bills. 
You both need to live within your incomes. Sometimes it is rational to pay a proportinate share, as per your income. So you might pay more than he does. Work it out, and only pay that portion. 

Why do you want him to get a better paying job? Do you have things you want to buy, or is this so that he can afford to help pay for your house? If so, you may want to buy a cheaper house so he can afford it based on his income.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, people change so much from 18 to 25...this could just be who and what he is. You will probably outgrow him in another year or so.

What options do you think you have?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

If his name is not on the mortgage or the title of the house, you have the legal standing to have him evicted. Give him a choice: man up and pick up his share of the bills or find other living quarters.

He may be depressed. But he is also very young, and he sounds rather immature. You cannot make him change, but you can offer him choices and make it clear what you will accept and not accept. Don't make empty threats; if you set a boundary, you have to enforce it. 

So he has "other" expenses, huh? Remind him he's a married man, so some of the expenses he needs to handle are his share of the groceries and utilities (at least!).


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He doesn't sound depressed. He sounds young and happy to mooch like so many early 20 men I know (my brother is 22 and a total loser ,....so are his friends).


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## Tommo (Oct 1, 2011)

Used and Confused says it all...

Commiserations!


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## sadman:( (Oct 1, 2011)

hummm my wife has left me for ignoring her,, but i wasent even doing nothing i was working 2 jobs to support our family,, he's a lucky guy that you seek advice before you say im just done lik emine has.


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## 2ndchance? (Oct 2, 2011)

thanks everyone for the replies.

I only have my name on the loan but both for our names are on the deed

I want him to get a better paying job because he working construction and does not ever get paid on time or as much as he is supposed to ..or at least this is what I hear


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## abracken30 (Oct 9, 2011)

One man's advice = move on. There are a lot of better men out there that are looking for successful women. A man's gotta pull his own weight...


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## 2ndchance? (Oct 2, 2011)

I agree.


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

Hes a loser holding you back. No kids dump him.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Try looking up ultimatiums, or how to tell him what you expect from a relationship. Lesson being... if you are not getting your needs met in this relationship, he either needs to man up and do it, or you will leave. 

It's harder to leave when it's security and other things as opposed to the other person cheating (clear cut violation). That's my issue. Trying not to feel like a spoiled child and leaving just because the other person won't talk about or change styles to keep harmony.

I have similar money issues. I am the breadwinner, and he spends his money on himself. I need to have some security. I need to know that if the fridge breaks, he can help out. I don't want to be his mother. 
I want someone to take care of ME instead. 

Give him a chance, tell him what you need, if he doesn't man up and do it, then you will need to find someone that will. Let us know how you are doing!


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