# Past Indiscretion



## 346954 (Oct 29, 2020)

I had an affair with a guy in the who was a neighbor. We were both married and had children. It had been over for over twenty something years. I have been divorced, and he is still married and has actually denied the affair and went as far as to tell others and his wife that I was pursuing him and that I'm crazy. It's kind of funny in the fact that while we were having the affair,he kept saying deny deny, which I've done. I kept this secret for so many years and he just keeps moving up without consequences. I have been feeling guilt and wanted to talk to his wife, but I figured it was too late and maybe it would be best to leave this buried. Really right now, I'm trying to get feedback without judgement, but I understand if I do get judged, as this has been exposed in my own family with kids and in-laws etc. So, I'm used to the things people would call me. I was wondering if it is something that I should tell his wife or not. They are doing well and I'm remarried in a very happy relationship with my husband and best friend going on 16 years. I've reconnected with my kids, family and friends, so let by gones be bygones. I honestly don't think about this or dwell on it any longer, so maybe that's my answer. This all came down to if I should try to make amends with his wife, but in the long run, I don't think he has stopped having extramarital affairs, so deep down, she may already know.
Thank you for listening.


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## 241happyhour (Jan 31, 2011)

Just move on. Whether he has been doing the same thing or not there is no reason to muddy their waters. Again, just move on and do you. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

What does your husband think about contacting the wife? I presume he knows all about your affair? Was the affair the reason for your divorce?

TELLING his wife isn't going to "make amends" or get a WOW THANKS from the wife. Why all of a sudden do you think you need to do this? It's been 16 years, so....

Just a few things to think about...


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Take it to the grave. Just leave it in the past and move on.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No. Let go and move on.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Let it go. No benefit to anyone unless you're holding a grudge due to his happiness. Even then not worth it.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

J.C said:


> I had an affair with a guy in the NHL who was a neighbor and not a hockey player, but another title. We were both married and had children. It had been over for over twenty something years. I have been divorced, and he is still married and has actually denied the affair and went as far as to tell others and his wife that I was pursuing him and that I'm crazy. It's kind of funny in the fact that while we were having the affair,he kept saying deny deny, which I've done. I kept this secret for so many years and he just keeps moving up without consequences. I have been feeling guilt and wanted to talk to his wife, but I figured it was too late and maybe it would be best to leave this buried. Really right now, I'm trying to get feedback without judgement, but I understand if I do get judged, as this has been exposed in my own family with kids and in-laws etc. So, I'm used to the things people would call me. I was wondering if it is something that I should tell his wife or not. They are doing well and I'm remarried in a very happy relationship with my husband and best friend going on 16 years. I've reconnected with my kids, family and friends, so let by gones be bygones. I honestly don't think about this or dwell on it any longer, so maybe that's my answer. This all came down to if I should try to make amends with his wife, but in the long run, I don't think he has stopped having extramarital affairs, so deep down, she may already know.
> Thank you for listening.


I think that if you "reveal" it to the wife, she's only going to hate you.
You'll never be able to "make amends". 

Since I don't see anything productive coming from this, and I don't need another person on the planet hating me, I wouldn't pursue it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I'm mixed on this one which is odd because I am always in favor of honesty.

I agree with a previous poster about consulting with your husband about his thoughts on this first.

I would lean towards sending her a letter or email and making sure she received it and just from your position about coming clean.


It has been a very long time and it is long done on your end so that is a consideration but maybe the AP's wife deserves to know?

I wouldn't do it for some type of strike against your former AP however.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Deleted..... Because I missed a detail in your opening statement


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I am going to go against the general grain of advice here and say this.

If your current husband is OK with it (because it might stir up a ****storm which he would then become part of), do let the wife know - absolutely. He needs to pay his dues, you owe it to the wife morally and I doubt that you would be interfering with his "happiness" as he does not appear to be happy in his marriage. Be ready for his wife to say she does not believe you so if you have proof show it to her. And then simply walk away from this forever.


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Just let it go. It would have been advantageous back when your hubby found out. But now it has been way too long. 
One day at a time
Buffer


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

I agree with the "let it go" people.

However, it's not just about contacting or not. It's about truly letting go and it's clear you haven't let go of him or of the affair. In your first sentence you're telling us he's in the NHL. Then you mention him "moving up". I almost was going to say that these points are irrelevant but they are not. They are likely part of the reason you're not letting go. he's successful and high profile. It's been 20 years and you're (happily?) remarried so you should ask yourself why you are even contemplating reopening this can of worms. It's simply not logical so there must be emotions in play here--- and they may be complicated but worth exploring.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If I was his wife I would want to know, but thats me. I hate things being hidden and as I am an honest and open person I would hate such a big thing to be kept secret.
I would write her a letter or email, appologising for your part in the affair and maybe including details(not details of the sex) so she doesnt think you are just making it up. 
Its very important that you talk to your husband first though and get his ok. I dont think its ever too late to appologise.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> If I was his wife I would want to know, but thats me. I hate things being hidden and as I am an honest and open person I would hate such a big thing to be kept secret.
> I would write her a letter or email, appologising for your part in the affair and maybe including details(not details of the sex) so she doesnt think you are just making it up.
> Its very important that you talk to your husband first though and get his ok. I dont think its ever too late to appologise.


I totally agree with this. His wife should know. It's not too late to apolpogise to her. Get your husband's OK on this explaining why you are doing this. 

I also agree with you haven't let it go but that is human nature and after you tell the wife, let it go.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Tell her if it will make you feel better, but don't expect anything. 

At home he'll deny and she'll believe him or she won't believe him, but she'll stay married anyways because they've been married for so long, have a life together, etc. etc. 

At work no one will care. Affairs aren't exactly uncommon.

So, really, only bother if you believe confessing will free you, personally, while everything else stays as it has been for the last 16 years or so.

Now, if the affair was recent I'd see it differently and strongly encourage you to present his wife with a letter, an apology, and evidence of the affair. But at this late date? Only do it if you're doing it to relieve your own conscience, because chances are nothing will change.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

manfromlamancha said:


> If your current husband is OK with it (because it might stir up a ****storm which he would then become part of), do let the wife know - absolutely. ....


On one hand, you could say that a "good husband" would just support her whatever her decision is.

However, I would be VERY concerned about this if I were him and it would raise a lot of good questions. Why haven't you let go of this? Why would you even consider opening this back up as it's ancient history now? It's dead and buried (or should be). What's making at least part of you feel a need to do this? If you're happy and we're happy why do something that may disrupt that in some way? Why do you want to (in any way) bring these people back into your life...into OUR life?

Approaching his wife with this story is the best way to send the message to him (whether intended or not), *"it's been more than 20 years but I just wanted to let you know that i have not forgotten you - what we had together and how you tried to erase me with all of your lies. I still think about you every single day. You think you can just go on living happily with your wife. Nope, I'm not going to allow that".*

I really don't think this is about "making amends" with his wife. That makes no sense at all and I don't even know what that means. It's been over 20 years. If you care so much about her and you're doing it for her, why would you just lob this bomb into her life when you have no idea about her situation or their relationship. Maybe she's been in therapy for years to get over this and put it behind her. Maybe she's been suicidal over it. Maybe she's suspected things but decided she doesn't want to know (that's her right). Who knows but the point is, you have absolutely no idea.

I think her husband would be very naive to not see this as big red flags --- it may not be clear what's behind it but there is a lot of downside potential from his point of view...in many different ways.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Let it go.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Is there a reason that you're still in the same orbit as this guy? You say that you're happily married and all that stuff,so where is the indifference to someone that you had an affair with 20 years ago?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I'm in the let it go camp, if you are keeping score. You said yourself, you have a nice life now. That's the best revenge. 

Her life would get a lot worse if you told her, while yours wouldn't get any better at all.

And you'll just come off as crazy. She probably won't believe you.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Just type up the whole story and give it to her. That avoids the incomplete telling a conversation yields.

Also give her the number for a PI and Polygraph. Tell her to hire a PI and get the goods on him, egotistical guys like that continue to cheat and get better and better at it and more able to hide it.

This is a way to make amends, were it me I would want to know, if OM1 were to call or message me with details I would forgive.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

I suspect the W knows already. Not worth time or energy on this.


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## dreamer2017 (Nov 7, 2017)

Move on!!! Don't you think you have caused enough damage in the life of your previous family and his? What do you want to gain? What are you trying to prove? He has gone on to restore his marriage and you gave up yours.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

If you are Christian, the Bible says if any man is at odds with you, leave your offerings at the alter and first go and make it right with that person and then come back and offer your sacrifices to God.

The wife still is at odds with you, you have wronged her. The way i read it God will not accept your praises or offerings to him until you correct this severe indescretion. I would send her a certified letter, she has to sign for herself, with explaination and asking forgivness.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

J.C said:


> I had an affair with a guy in the NHL who was a neighbor and not a hockey player, but another title. We were both married and had children. It had been over for over twenty something years. I have been divorced, and he is still married and has actually denied the affair and went as far as to tell others and his wife that I was pursuing him and that I'm crazy. It's kind of funny in the fact that while we were having the affair,he kept saying deny deny, which I've done. I kept this secret for so many years and he just keeps moving up without consequences. I have been feeling guilt and wanted to talk to his wife, but I figured it was too late and maybe it would be best to leave this buried. Really right now, I'm trying to get feedback without judgement, but I understand if I do get judged, as this has been exposed in my own family with kids and in-laws etc. So, I'm used to the things people would call me. I was wondering if it is something that I should tell his wife or not. They are doing well and I'm remarried in a very happy relationship with my husband and best friend going on 16 years. I've reconnected with my kids, family and friends, so let by gones be bygones. I honestly don't think about this or dwell on it any longer, so maybe that's my answer. This all came down to if I should try to make amends with his wife, but in the long run, I don't think he has stopped having extramarital affairs, so deep down, she may already know.
> Thank you for listening.


Well, how much time is spend thinking about this guy? You say you are happily married but yet he is still on your mind, does you new husband know?

When you say you want to talk to his wife, what would you say? What's to talk about? 

Does your ex know? If you want to make amends start with that. Do that first nothing is stopping you there, even if he was a jerk there was no excuse to cheat. You will be believed. (It's hard to tell maybe you have.) You should apologize to your family, the man you made vows to, and your kids. You can do that an really do some good. 

Next maybe you should think about why you are still thinking about this guy. Like the other poster said - it's interesting that you even mention his sports career. It almost seems like bragging, or like and excuse. Now maybe it's not but you should really work on that. 

Truth is you are probably right you are one of many for this guy and hold no importance to him at all, so hopefully that is not what you are looking for. Of course he is going to say you are crazy. 

You can try to inform her but I doubt she will believe you and frankly I think most wives of professional athletes expect this. Send her a letter and don't talk to her. Stay away. At least that will prove your not fishing for this guy.

Start with the immediate people who you hurt your family.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

JustTheWife said:


> I agree with the "let it go" people.
> 
> However, it's not just about contacting or not. It's about truly letting go and it's clear you haven't let go of him or of the affair. In your first sentence you're telling us he's in the NHL. Then you mention him "moving up". I almost was going to say that these points are irrelevant but they are not. They are likely part of the reason you're not letting go. he's successful and high profile. It's been 20 years and you're (happily?) remarried so you should ask yourself why you are even contemplating reopening this can of worms. It's simply not logical so there must be emotions in play here--- and they may be complicated but worth exploring.


I noticed this and completely agree with it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

JustTheWife said:


> On one hand, you could say that a "good husband" would just support her whatever her decision is.
> 
> However, I would be VERY concerned about this if I were him and it would raise a lot of good questions. Why haven't you let go of this? Why would you even consider opening this back up as it's ancient history now? It's dead and buried (or should be). What's making at least part of you feel a need to do this? If you're happy and we're happy why do something that may disrupt that in some way? Why do you want to (in any way) bring these people back into your life...into OUR life?
> 
> ...


If the current husband even knows. That would be even bigger red flags.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I don't think all the people who say "let it go" really understand that he is still doing this to his wife and she needs to have proof to boot his ass out! Make sure she gets enough ammo to do this.

I agree that hanging on to it means you still think about him even if it is in a negative light. But you would be doing some good finally by letting his wife know.

So bring him down if you can (and with your husband's permission).


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

manfromlamancha said:


> I don't think all the people who say "let it go" really understand that he is still doing this to his wife and she needs to have proof to boot his ass out! Make sure she gets enough ammo to do this.
> 
> I agree that hanging on to it means you still think about him even if it is in a negative light. But you would be doing some good finally by letting his wife know.
> 
> So bring him down if you can (and with your husband's permission).


I'm just curious why you think this is relevant now 20 years later.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Based on your post, the wife was your neighbor, too. Is that correct?


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## 346954 (Oct 29, 2020)

I thank you all and really think there is no point in bringing any of this up. I will let it go and I have asked for forgiveness to all my family and my ex, as well as my now husband. I have discussed this with my husband and he too says it may be too late to rehash all this and hurt this man's wife so badly. You all don't know the whole story and at this time I find it not necessary. 
I am new to this forum and would like to edit a few things in my original post, if someone can help with that, it would be helpful. I should not have mentioned his career which is not relevant.
Maybe it is my conscience, and something I need to address on my own. I am moving on and letting this go. For all the posters who thought there is something I still feel, well yes, shame comes to mind and guilt for all the hurt and pain I caused his wife, my ex and my children, but my children are all adults and have forgiven me which I've been thankful for.. I have my Man and family which is all I need.


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## 346954 (Oct 29, 2020)

OutofRetirement said:


> Based on your post, the wife was your neighbor, too. Is that correct?


Yes.


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## 346954 (Oct 29, 2020)

OutofRetirement said:


> Based on your post, the wife was your neighbor, too. Is that correct?





jlg07 said:


> What does your husband think about contacting the wife? I presume he knows all about your affair? Was the affair the reason for your divorce?
> 
> TELLING his wife isn't going to "make amends" or get a WOW THANKS from the wife. Why all of a sudden do you think you need to do this? It's been 16 years, so....
> 
> Just a few things to think about...


Yes, I agree.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

J.C said:


> I thank you all and really think there is no point in bringing any of this up. I will let it go and I have asked for forgiveness to all my family and my ex, as well as my now husband. I have discussed this with my husband and he too says it may be too late to rehash all this and hurt this man's wife so badly. You all don't know the whole story and at this time I find it not necessary.
> I am new to this forum and would like to edit a few things in my original post, if someone can help with that, it would be helpful. I should not have mentioned his career which is not relevant.
> Maybe it is my conscience, and something I need to address on my own. I am moving on and letting this go. For all the posters who thought there is something I still feel, well yes, shame comes to mind and guilt for all the hurt and pain I caused his wife, my ex and my children, but my children are all adults and have forgiven me which I've been thankful for.. I have my Man and family which is all I need.


I have learned that there are some things you just can’t make amends for. And for those things you need to make a living amends. That means conducting yourself as a humble, trustworthy person going forward. That is all you can do.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

J.C said:


> This all came down to if I should try to make amends with his wife, but in the long run, I don't think he has stopped having extramarital affairs, so deep down, she may already know.


Nobody's paying much attention to your belief that he's still having affairs. If you know that to be absolutely true, I think that's a separate & relevant thing from the notion of you needing to apologize to the wife for your part in the long-past affair (which would seem to be better left alone, I think).

To some extent, _if_ true that he's still having affairs, then a case might be made that his wife should know... not so much about your affair with him, but that there's something currently going on and it's a lifestyle of his.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Can I ask why you asked for forgiveness of your now husband? Was he hurt by this in some way?

So my thinking is you can't fix what you did to this woman, but you can warn others about the toll it took on the people you love and your life in the end. You can pull away the facade of glamor that the world tries to make these things into. I am sure for you part of the appeal was that this was a successful man. 

That is how you make it right.

Tell your story, even the parts that you are not proud of and hopefully someone will think twice before they go down that road.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

J.C said:


> I had an affair with a guy in the who was a neighbor. We were both married and had children. It had been over for over twenty something years. I have been divorced, and he is still married and has actually denied the affair and went as far as to tell others and his wife that I was pursuing him and that I'm crazy. It's kind of funny in the fact that while we were having the affair,he kept saying deny deny, which I've done. I kept this secret for so many years and he just keeps moving up without consequences. I have been feeling guilt and wanted to talk to his wife, but I figured it was too late and maybe it would be best to leave this buried. Really right now, I'm trying to get feedback without judgement, but I understand if I do get judged, as this has been exposed in my own family with kids and in-laws etc. So, I'm used to the things people would call me. I was wondering if it is something that I should tell his wife or not. They are doing well and I'm remarried in a very happy relationship with my husband and best friend going on 16 years. I've reconnected with my kids, family and friends, so let by gones be bygones. I honestly don't think about this or dwell on it any longer, so maybe that's my answer. This all came down to if I should try to make amends with his wife, but in the long run, I don't think he has stopped having extramarital affairs, so deep down, she may already know.
> Thank you for listening.


At the end of the day, it sounds like you still want some sort of vengeance. Why, I'm not so sure, if you're happily married now. And to be honest, it really isn't your business if you think he hasn't stopped having extramarital affairs. Who cares? It's their problem. You really shouldn't even be keeping tabs on him. How do you know all of his business still? I think it's time for you to let go of the past, and start living in your present.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

May I suggest you not use the word 'indiscretion' in any communication with AP's wife. Blabbing something told in confidence is an indiscretion. Screwing your married neighbor carries a little more weight (with most people). Prettying it up is insulting.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

gold5932 said:


> I'm just curious why you think this is relevant now 20 years later.


This is relevant because it is the right thing to do - to inform his wife since he is still doing it. You would want to know if it was your spouse, wouldn't you?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

J.C said:


> I thank you all and really think there is no point in bringing any of this up. I will let it go and I have asked for forgiveness to all my family and my ex, as well as my now husband. I have discussed this with my husband and he too says it may be too late to rehash all this and hurt this man's wife so badly. You all don't know the whole story and at this time I find it not necessary.
> I am new to this forum and would like to edit a few things in my original post, if someone can help with that, it would be helpful. I should not have mentioned his career which is not relevant.
> Maybe it is my conscience, and something I need to address on my own. I am moving on and letting this go. For all the posters who thought there is something I still feel, well yes, shame comes to mind and guilt for all the hurt and pain I caused his wife, my ex and my children, but my children are all adults and have forgiven me which I've been thankful for.. I have my Man and family which is all I need.


Somewhere earlier in this post, you said that he was still cheaitng on his wife with other women. Do you not think that she deserves to know this? This is not to get a "thank you" from her, but more to do with doing the right thing as in, he cheated with me, here is some proof, and by the way he is still doing it to you.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

there is no statute of limitations for telling the truth

every BS deserves to know the truth

without the truth you are condemning this woman to live her life based on a lie.
which leaves her without the knowledge for her to use the truth to base
authentic decisions based on her own values.

her WH actions were wrong and are still damaging her today. for relationships
built on lies can never be healthy. for the lies silently eat away just as a cancer does.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Next maybe you should think about why you are still thinking about this guy. Like the other poster said - it's interesting that you even mention his sports career. It almost seems like bragging, or like and excuse. Now maybe it's not but you should really work on that.


She's still interested and maybe a little pissed he just moved on to another A/P like he changes socks. And been one a slow burn for the past 20 years about being a simply conquest of a 3-F club member. 



Casual Observer said:


> Nobody's paying much attention to your belief that he's still having affairs.


She been bird dogging this cat for no telling how long and probably knows more about them than he does.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

It sounds like you just want revenge.

Your world got blown up and you want his blown all to hell as well.

You could call him and let him know if he ever says anything about you again that you will tell all.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

sokillme said:


> If the current husband even knows. That would be even bigger red flags.


Yeah. If my wife came to me with this dilemma, it would raise all kinds of red flags, and there would be a lot of conversations and questions I would need answered. Starting with why, after all these years, this person is still taking up enough emotional real estate to even start down this line.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Didn't he already tell his wife and others that you are crazy and are just trying to pursue him? You may reinforce that idea if you try to make contact and say something.
Also - if you are so happily remarried then why is this man still on your mind?


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## 346954 (Oct 29, 2020)

ABHale said:


> It sounds like you just want revenge.
> 
> Your world got blown up and you want his blown all to hell as well.
> 
> You could call him and let him know if he ever says anything about you again that you will tell all.





Benbutton said:


> Didn't he already tell his wife and others that you are crazy and are just trying to pursue him? You may reinforce that idea if you try to make contact and say something.
> Also - if you are so happily remarried then why is this man still on your mind?


He is not on my mind, and yes he did call me that which was his way of denying it. 
I couldn't be happier, and the only person I have to prove that to is my husband going on 16 years. He does know, by the way. I saw this forum and inquired by asking a question.


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## 346954 (Oct 29, 2020)

sokillme said:


> If the current husband even knows. That would be even bigger red flags.


If you're all reading this thread then you know already what was said, but you all want to cut me down and that's fine, and again, I've made amends a long time ago, and had a lapse in guilt and shame, and know that there is no need to open all this up again. I've moved on. Onward and upward. Nothing I can do about this, nor do I want to.


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## 346954 (Oct 29, 2020)

VladDracul said:


> She's still interested and maybe a little pissed he just moved on to another A/P like he changes socks. And been one a slow burn for the past 20 years about being a simply conquest of a 3-F club member.
> 
> 
> 
> She been bird dogging this cat for no telling how long and probably knows more about them than he does.


No.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

J.C said:


> If you're all reading this thread then you know already what was said, but you all want to cut me down and that's fine, and again, I've made amends a long time ago, and had a lapse in guilt and shame, and know that there is no need to open all this up again. I've moved on. Onward and upward. Nothing I can do about this, nor do I want to.


I wrote this before you responded, see my response to yours. And I stand by what I said if your current husband didn't know that would have been a huge red flag. It's good that you told him.


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## 346954 (Oct 29, 2020)

sokillme said:


> I wrote this before you responded, see my response to yours. And I stand by what I said if your current husband didn't know that would have been a huge red flag. It's good that you told him.


Yes, thank you.


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## 346954 (Oct 29, 2020)

sokillme said:


> I noticed this and completely agree with it.


In another reply I mentioned I tried to delete the career part, and should not have mentioned it in the first place. 


oldtruck said:


> there is no statute of limitations for telling the truth
> 
> every BS deserves to know the truth
> 
> ...


I agree lies destroy and are not healthy.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

J.C said:


> In another reply I mentioned I tried to delete the career part, and should not have mentioned it in the first place.



Why do you think you mentioned it?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I think people are getting a little distracted by the sports aspect of this. If the OP had been a guy, she/he would have said, "20 years ago a neighbor of mine was a hot blond with long legs......." and no one would have said a thing about it. 

Any time anyone talks about any kind of past sexual experience, at some point they will throw in something about what attracted them to that person. And when someone is the WS or an AP, there will be a certain level of perceived justification to why they did it. If it is a male WS/AP they will invariably mention something about their AP being physically attractive. If it is a female WS/AP they will often mention status.

It is a means of relaying why they found that person attractive along with maybe some kind of subconscious means of justifying it to the audience as in thinking if it was mentioned the AP was a very good looking woman or the male AP was a pro athlete that there would be more understanding and justification from the audience. 

No one is going to come on here and say they cheated on their spouse with an ugly, desperate, homeless person that smelled like Texas roadkill. They're going to try to justify it and make it understandable to a certain degree. 

He was an attractive man of status and she found him desirable and wanted to get down with him.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> He was an attractive man of status and she found him desirable and wanted to get down with him.


which makes stating the reason for the AP's status normal.

movie, adam sandler, plays famous comedian, him and his personal assistant
bring home to hot young women, adam brings one woman to his bedroom
and bangs her, calls a cab sends her home.

back in the living the personal assistant is getting no where, adam gets the second girl
to go to his room, bangs her too, calls her a cab.

after wards the personal assistant is pissed off, you stole that girl, adam said you were
never getting no where with her, most girls won't cheat on their BF with an average joe,
my groupie status made her willing to put out and cheat on BF, so i was not going to let
that girl go to waste.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

As far as the actual topic of the thread and to offer my input to @J.C , the way I see it is all actions will have their own set of rewards as well as consequences and their set of pros and cons. 

All inactions will have their own set of rewards vs consequences and pros vs cons. 

If you disclose your affair, the potential benefits are you can tell yourself you came clean and might have helped some BW know who and what she is married to. If you are actually feeling some guilt, you may be able to tell yourself that coming clean now 20 years later will help you put this behind you. 

The potential cons of disclosing this 20 years later is that you definately will look like the crazy groupie that couldn't get over him after all these years and that you are just trying to stir up trouble now because you are a Stage 5 Clinger and are just plain cray-cray. 

If the dude is this hot that chicks are still giving him rent-free space in their heads and hearts after 20 years, Then he has likely been with countless women and that is simply the Admission Price his wife pays to be with him full time. 

She knows. Ok she may not specifically that he has been with 249 women during the course of their marriage and that you J.C. that used to live down the street at 1204 North Elm Street did it with him standing up looking out the picture window while she ran up to Home Depot for some gardening supplies. But she knows that women have been throwing themselves at him since they've been together and she knows that he takes some of them up on it. 

A lot of pro athletes, musicians, celebrities, models, actors etc etc are in quasi open marriages/swingers etc anyway. 

And even the spouses that don't really embrace their partner's philandering, they accept it to a degree because the benefits of being with them outweigh the cons of being with someone who bangs a fan in a hotel room for a night when they are on the road. 

This is kind of how they live. 

This is going to come down to benefit vs cost for you as well. 

Will the benefit is telling his wife 20 years later be a greater benefit to you than being painted as a crazy, star-struck fan that hasn't been able to get over him for 20 years and is trying to stir up a name for herself instead of being just another nameless, faceless body that he stuck his junk into 20 years ago?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> No one is going to come on here and say they cheated on their spouse with an ugly, desperate, homeless person that smelled like Texas roadkill. They're going to try to justify it and make it understandable to a certain degree.


Umm...but doesn't that have more to do with the fact that that's because NO ONE WOULD cheat with someone like that...?? Lol!!!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> Will the benefit is telling his wife 20 years later be a greater benefit to you than being painted as a crazy, star-struck fan that hasn't been able to get over him for 20 years and is trying to stir up a name for herself instead of being just another nameless, faceless body that he stuck his junk into 20 years ago?


The OP wasn't asking for any kind of psycho analysis but since I am not charging her anything for it, I'll offer it up for free anyway (and worth every penny I charge of course) 

I think one of the reasons these people come back years and years later is we all want to feel that we are at least somewhat meaningful or to a degree "special" to the people we are with sexually. Especially if we ourselves think of them as somewhat 'special' in our lives. 

So to some it is a bitter pill to swallow that the perhaps the highest status and perhaps hottest person that they have ever been with, probably doesn't even remember their name or even specifically remember which night or which hotel they were with them or remember the specifics of their encounter. 

I think when some of these people come back years later, it's their way of saying, "Remember me now asshole??"

I'm not saying J.C. is doing this. But this is how she will be painted if she does do this.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

LisaDiane said:


> Umm...but doesn't that have more to do with the fact that that's because NO ONE WOULD cheat with someone like that...?? Lol!!!


Oh I'm sure it's happened more than we'll ever know LOL There is a lot of Tomfoolery that goes on in the world and it is not only with tall, dark handsome strangers and hot babes, Swedish porn stars or pro athletes. There are some butt ugly and pathetic men and women getting some off of married men and women. But no one is going to admit to THAT. 

A WW will be more likely to admit to hooking up with pro athlete than stock boy from Costco that she hooked up with in a bar after having a big fight with her H. 

A WH will be more likely to admit hooking up with hot blond with long legs and pushed up cleavage than some drunk skank in a hotel bar that he went to after his LL wife had rejected his advances for the last 2 years. 

Cheaters will always not only justify it to themselves, but will also try to garner some understanding and acceptance from those they tell their tale.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

VladDracul said:


> She's still interested and maybe a little pissed he just moved on to another A/P like he changes socks. And been one a slow burn for the past 20 years about being a simply conquest of a 3-F club member.
> 
> 
> 
> She been bird dogging this cat for no telling how long and probably knows more about them than he does.


Even if this is not her actual perspective - it is how she will be painted. 

She will be chalked up as the naive, star-struck fan who had visions of sugar plums dancing in her head and then became bitter and vengeful when she realizes she was just another face in the crowd and forgotten as goes on hooking up with countless other fan-girls. 

Often times people feel like there is some kind of "Ah Hah!" moment when a tryst is disclosed and that there is some sort of vindication for hurt feelings and such. 

But when your dealing with some form of celebrity status, that "ah hah!" moment isn't much of a bombshell because everyone assumes they are doing it anyway. 

When someone wants to come forward and claim that they had a tryst, they are basically told to take a number and have a seat.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The guy’s wife has already heard that he cheated with you, and he denied and called you crazy. It’s been twenty years.
TWENTY YEARS.
You are happily married.
Why you would want to bring this up IS crazy. You really should let this go.
Twenty years of cheating. Yes, a guy that says DENY, DENY, DENY..... he’s a serial cheater.  So yes, Gus wife already knows and you are naive to think she doesn’t.

if you want revenge, go slash his tires and paint Cheater on his car. He won’t even know which woman he cheated with did it. But telling his wife would be a complete waste of time. She already knows.

btw, you are owed some revenge, too. You do realize this, right? I’d let sleeping dogs lie if it were me.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> Even if this is not her actual perspective - it is how she will be painted.


That's what I'm hoping she will glean from it, at least from the perspective that her husband might. As shown thusfar, it ain't that much of a stretch. If you have any sense JC, you'll keep your mouth shut and write it off as a long past experience that was the best of times and the worst of times, (as Charlie wrote). Take my word for it girl, the last thing your old man wants to hear about is anything related to you banging another guy. Don't give me any crap about, "he loves me and understands" Keep doing it your own peril.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

If he has been gaslighting his wife for years, maybe she should be told?

But if you want to make yourself feel better by making her feel bad, would this hurt her?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I must have missed the post where JC disclosed the career of the POSOM. Is he some kind of celebrity ?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

manfromlamancha said:


> I must have missed the post where JC disclosed the career of the POSOM. Is he some kind of celebrity ?


It was edited out but he was a professional sports player.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Casual Observer said:


> It was edited out but he was a professional sports player.


No, he worked for a professional sports league. She said he was NOT a player. He could’ve been the official jock strap fetcher.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Sounds more like a jock strap sniffer to me!


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

I have some questions. 

How did you behave toward your now ex during your affair?

How did you treat your ex in the time since Dday?

How long ago did you ask your ex for forgiveness? 

How did your kids with your ex treat their father after Dday?

Was the divorce fairly civil or was there a lot of pettiness, etc?

Aside from asking for forgiveness and receiving it from some people, what personal changes have you made to show your are someone possibly deserving of forgiveness? 

Was it a long struggle to get forgiveness from those who eventually gave it to you, or was it one of those near instantaneous cases of forgiveness that many offer to those that wronged them?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Bluesclues said:


> No, he worked for a professional sports league. She said he was NOT a player. He could’ve been the official jock strap fetcher.


Thanks for the clarification.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I still say that you should tell his wife - not to get forgiveness but to warn her of what he is up to. Then it is up to her to act on it or not. If you have proof, then show it to her.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

J.C said:


> he ... went as far as to tell others *and his wife* that I was pursuing him and that I'm crazy.


I don't understand. He told his wife you were pursuing him and you are crazy. So she knows. Now you want to talk to her. You will tell her "He pursued me and had sex with me for __ months/years." And wife will reply, "Yes, I remember he told me you were crazy, and now 16 (?) years later you are contacting me (so he was right about you)."

How do you imagine the conversation will be when you tell his wife?

I have no problem if you call her or not. I don't think it's much of an issue in your life, but if that will unburden your guilt, go ahead. If he has cheated with many others and the wife already knows, then she probably already knows he lies about you pursuing him and him not having an affair with you, either.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

OutofRetirement said:


> I don't understand. He told his wife you were pursuing him and you are crazy. So she knows. Now you want to talk to her. You will tell her "He pursued me and had sex with me for __ months/years." And wife will reply, "Yes, I remember he told me you were crazy, and now 16 (?) years later you are contacting me (so he was right about you)."
> 
> How do you imagine the conversation will be when you tell his wife?
> 
> I have no problem if you call her or not. I don't think it's much of an issue in your life, but if that will unburden your guilt, go ahead. If he has cheated with many others and the wife already knows, then she probably already knows he lies about you pursuing him and him not having an affair with you, either.


Yep, pretty much this.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

manfromlamancha said:


> I still say that you should tell his wife - not to get forgiveness but to warn her of what he is up to. Then it is up to her to act on it or not. If you have proof, then show it to her.


I agee absolutely. How sad for that poor woman if she really doesn't know what an awful man she is married to. In her position I would not only appreciate being told, but I would appreciate an appology.


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

manowar said:


> Hypergamy never dies..women seek the highest value male they can get.


🤮


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

manowar said:


> Hypergamy never dies..women seek the highest value male they can get.


 Dude...be careful when you quote me. You used the embedded quote of the OP in my post, stripped the surrounding text and made it look like I was saying the OP's words. (i.e., you made it look like* I *was admitting to having an affair with an NHL dude. ).


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Dude...be careful when you quote me. You used the embedded quote of the OP in my post, stripped the surrounding text and made it look like I was saying the OP's words. (i.e., you made it look like* I *was admitting to having an affair with an NHL dude. ).


so lets clear this up are you admitting to being gay or embarrassed
to be identified as gay?

the PCP, politically correct police want to know.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Dude...be careful when you quote me. You used the embedded quote of the OP in my post, stripped the surrounding text and made it look like I was saying the OP's words. (i.e., you made it look like* I *was admitting to having an affair with an NHL dude. ).


 Not my intention. The OP appears to have removed the NHL part while you copied her quote before it was edited. the NHL quote caught my eye. but i do see your point. my apology. It looks like my post was removed. classic monkey branching. Men should know about this shssit.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

oldtruck said:


> so lets clear this up are you admitting to being gay or embarrassed
> to be identified as gay?
> 
> the PCP, politically correct police want to know.


 Maybe i just don't like the NHL.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

So his poor wife continues to be lied to 20 years later, this is awful and she is entitled to know. I know if I was her, I would want to know. I bet she suspected but never had the evidence. Perhaps you can set her free.


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