# Enough already about the ex's



## BoltToBolt (May 9, 2014)

Short term 2d marriage for both of us. We are very active together. Thing is, everywhere we go, at least every weekend and probably every other day she is telling me about being here or when she did this (biking, boating, whatever) with her ex husband or one of her previous boyfriends - two in particular come up all of the time. In addition to that, I moved into her home and she still has things from those 2 prominently displayed in the home. I have told her this bothers me and she says tough - its just my insecurity and her past is what makes her who she is. So, I told her it makes me feel like I am less important to her, that my love language is affirmation and it would help if she could affirm the value of our relationship to her. She says I am just being insecure. 

Would your spouse keeping these items (photos of scenes - not people or nick nack presents) and seemingly always talking about her experiences with these other guys bother you?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Didn't this come up before you married her?

I'd be bugged about the constant talk of ex's and certainly by living in a home filled with mementos of the ex's BUT it isn't like this is new information for you to deal with. You knew and married her and moved into the house the ex's filled.

Calmly tell her how much it gets on your nerves. It isn't about insecurity it is about respect. It is great that she has good memories of her old relationships but listening to someone wax nostalgic all the time is a snore. 

OR you could try giving her a taste of her own medicine and have some euphoric recall of your own.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

wow...i would really make that a short term marriage...maybe you have uncovered the real reason they are not with.

its not insecurity its lack of respect for you.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

BoltToBolt said:


> Short term 2d marriage for both of us. We are very active together. Thing is, everywhere we go, at least every weekend and probably every other day she is telling me about being here or when she did this (biking, boating, whatever) with her ex husband or one of her previous boyfriends - two in particular come up all of the time. In addition to that, I moved into her home and she still has things from those 2 prominently displayed in the home. I have told her this bothers me and she says tough - its just my insecurity and her past is what makes her who she is. So, I told her it makes me feel like I am less important to her, that my love language is affirmation and it would help if she could affirm the value of our relationship to her. She says I am just being insecure.
> 
> Would your spouse keeping these items (photos of scenes - not people or nick nack presents) and seemingly always talking about her experiences with these other guys bother you?


I don't mind the occasionally mentioning something my Gf did in her past. We didn't just drop out of the sky so that's to be expected. But displaying things might be a deal breaker depending on what it is. I briefly dated a girl who still had her wedding pictures displayed so that was a deal breaker for me. This is going to be highly individualized with what people will put up with

My question to you is why did you marry if this bothers you?


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## BrutalHonesty (Apr 5, 2015)

Just managed to get here before the "you need to be man enough not to be insecure when she is rubbing these other guys in your face because this is post modernism feminism and men just have to suck it up at every disrespectful action by women" crowd gets here. 

She is disrespecting you as a man, as a partner and definitely as a husband. But you need to show real consequences. If you allow her to just tell you to suck it up and you whine but do nothing about it, then expect her to ignore you continuously, in this and other matters. 

Anyway, maybe you are getting a feeling about why those other guys didn't stick around.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

If my bf constantly brought up past loves I'd be upset. The pictures you describe wouldnt bother me. its not like they're pictures of her past loves. frame some photos of you two together and hang them in the home.

Eta: that said, the way your wife talks to you and is totally dismissive of your very valid concerns is indeed troubling. She doesn't respect you.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

My husband had a very bad habit of bringing up exes in the most inappropriate ways and at the most inappropriate times. I won't get too much into how I put a stop to it but I will say that I told him that people who talk a lot about exes are insecure and pathetic, nobody cares, and the next time it came up I'd get him a cookie. Then I proceeded to tell him all about the big c0ck on my first since, you know, we're sharing details. It never came up again.

Nothing like a little empathy.

Anyone who dismisses how you feel that easily isn't good relationship material.


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

She's not over him!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Where are the pictures? Are they handing on the walls? sitting on tables? on book shelves.

Are her ex's in all of the photos? Or are they photos of places there were at?

If my H had an album or two it would not bother me.

But if there were photos on display... even one... yea that would bother me.

If my bf/h was constantly talking about ex's, yea that would bother me. If it comes up once in a while... no that would not bother me.

You married her and moved into her house. It is now your home as well. This is a problem that happens when people marry and move into a house one of them has been living in before the relationship... the new occupant is treated like a temporary guest. 

The best advice I've heard on this is for both people who sell their pre-marriage homes and to buy a new one together... now there is a feeling of joint ownership.

If selling her house makes no sense, then the next best way of doing this is redecorate the house in a way the two of you agree.

If she will not do that, turning the house in to a home for both of you is important enough for you to insist on marriage counseling over the topic. Your wife might just need someone other than you to talk to her and explain that talking about ex's all the time is not cool and what's going on in the home is also not cool at all.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You moved in, so presumably have some say in decorating, etc. Put up some pictures of you and exes, maybe on the night table or bureau. If she doesn't like it, tell her tough, stop being insecure!


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

BoltToBolt said:


> Would your spouse keeping these items (photos of scenes - not people or nick nack presents) and seemingly always talking about her experiences with these other guys bother you?


Photos of scenes are different. For a lot of outdoor people they are a collection of their achievements and experiences. They are often decoupled from people but not always. The fact that you mention they are not of people or of nick nacks suggests she may be one of these outdoor scene collectors. 

If that's the case I wouldn't worry too much if you are setting new experiences with her. I am always telling my wife or others if I've been to a place before and with whom. It doesn't mean anything but the sharing of a previous experience. 

For instance my avatar is a picture of the New River Gorge in WV that I took on a hike out with a friend last October. I spent a good deal of time showing him the walls that were developed in the 80s which was the last time I was there and he showed me some of the projects his friends were working on currently. It was a connecting thing. Perhaps your wife is doing something similar.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

OP, you need to really force the issue as she's a piece of work IMO. IF she's referencing exs so much then you need to make it very painful for her to do it and mirror it with stuff from your past. Eventually one of more of the comments will give her a pinch.

This is the only way to stop the kind of behavior she's doing to you. I firmly believe that the past gets buried when married. And if the scenes are from the past and she's specifically referencing I would make a big stink about it. You don't like how they make you feel. It's simple. Either she wants to accept how you feel or you give her a big helping of humble pie.

Sadly I have had to learn this with my fiance and boy does it work. Some women can be dense.:scratchhead::scratchhead:

My fiance is very pretty but after mine was insenstive to me with pics of her exes, when she saw a photo of my ex let's just say she didn't feel so good. Nothing evil but she definitely got to see she was not the only good looking woman out there. :rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## Cristina (Mar 28, 2015)

I think your wife is truly insecure and you need to talk to her about it. And I will follow "LIfeistooshort's" advice about it if it happens to me , you should try it too. It will definitely work.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

BoltToBolt said:


> Short term 2d marriage for both of us. We are very active together. Thing is, everywhere we go, at least every weekend and probably every other day she is telling me about being here or when she did this (biking, boating, whatever) with her ex husband or one of her previous boyfriends - two in particular come up all of the time. In addition to that, I moved into her home and she still has things from those 2 prominently displayed in the home. I have told her this bothers me and she says tough - its just my insecurity and her past is what makes her who she is. So, I told her it makes me feel like I am less important to her, that my love language is affirmation and it would help if she could affirm the value of our relationship to her. She says I am just being insecure.
> 
> Would your spouse keeping these items (photos of scenes - not people or nick nack presents) and seemingly always talking about her experiences with these other guys bother you?


I do not think your being unreasonable at all not to want to see reminders all around her home, of her ex and places shes been with him.

Its all in the past with her ex, so that she mean all the reminders she has of him, IMHO.

My ex lived here for about 6 months when i kicked him out, when he went so did all the memories (bitter break up).

When i met my hubby 3 years later and he moved in and we married, Our house was strewn with all our memories, and places etc we had been, All out marriage photos lined the walls, and there was no reminders of my ex.

When i started dating my NOW husband, I wanted him to feel as comfortable as possible, even tho my ex was the father of my 3 children, they have their rooms for all their stuff of their dad and all their little trinkets etc...

I cant understand why she would feel the need to speak about him when your out doing your activities together or go to the places shes been with her ex, even if she keeps it inside that would be better than making you feel bad.

Does she still hold a flame for this guy, sounds like shes having problems letting go of him, what with this, and all the stuff she has around your home.

I think its about time she left the past in the past, and starts think about your memories together of things you've done together and creating new things.

I do not think its anything to do with you being insecure?... I think your quite reasonable with your requests.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

melw74 said:


> I do not think your being unreasonable at all not to want to see reminders all around her home, of her ex and places shes been with him.
> 
> Its all in the past with her ex, so that she mean all the reminders she has of him, IMHO.
> 
> ...



In my view the reason people do this is to keep an emotional upper hand. It's a subtle little way to keep you in competition with the exes, because that's how important they (the partner with the exes) are. That's why the empathy route works so well, they're insecure and don't want any competition. So give them some. The major of us have pasts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## another shot (Apr 14, 2015)

Utterly ridiculous insensitivity and lack of respect.

Time to let her know "tough" is not going to cut it and decide what consequences you are going to employ to stop it if any.

I am angry for you she is so tone deaf about your feelings.

Not cool


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

If it were me, I would not mention the photos again, but they would disappear really fast. Take action....


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

I'm going to go against the crowd here: To be really honest, it does sound like insecurity/jealousy to me. It also sounds like a case of selective hearing/imagination - she's telling you about her experiences that an ex happened to be involved in, and you're only focusing on the part about the ex. She has pictures of these scenes without people, but because you knew an ex was present at that time, it bothers you. Why does it bother you?

I do think it's sh*tty that she disregards your feelings about this, but maybe she just doesn't see it the same way you do. Obviously her past relationships are a part of her life, and she had notable experiences during them. Maybe she sees your aversion like "I'm trying to share my life with you, and you don't want to know about it". JMO.

But I do think you guys should thinking about finding a new place, especially if you feel like you're living with ghosts. I think neutral territory is always best for live-in relationships.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

batsociety said:


> I'm going to go against the crowd here: To be really honest, it does sound like insecurity/jealousy to me. It also sounds like a case of selective hearing/imagination - she's telling you about her experiences that an ex happened to be involved in, and you're only focusing on the part about the ex. She has pictures of these scenes without people, but because you knew an ex was present at that time, it bothers you. Why does it bother you?
> *
> I do think it's sh*tty that she disregards your feelings about this, but maybe she just doesn't see it the same way you do. *Obviously her past relationships are a part of her life, and she had notable experiences during them. Maybe she sees your aversion like "I'm trying to share my life with you, and you don't want to know about it". JMO.
> 
> But I do think you guys should thinking about finding a new place, especially if you feel like you're living with ghosts. I think neutral territory is always best for live-in relationships.


It is not required that she see things the same way that he does, but what IS required is respect for your partner's feelings! She is being a real b!tch by not removing the things from her previous relations that are very clearly bothering her now husband, and for constantly bringing up things she did with those ex's. He says that he doesnt like it, wants it stopped, and since she doesnt think the same way, its OK for it to continue?? 

Nope.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

If he keeps doing after you had already told her it bothers you and it's not ok, then I think you should have a serious talk with her. I understand that it's important for some to be able to prove to themselves over and over they overcame those past relationships and have gotten to a better place, but if it's to the point of having to verbalize it and keep momentos of it and ultimately annoy the hell out of you, then it's crossed the line.


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> It is not required that she see things the same way that he does, but what IS required is respect for your partner's feelings! She is being a real b!tch by not removing the things from her previous relations that are very clearly bothering her now husband, and for constantly bringing up things she did with those ex's. He says that he doesnt like it, wants it stopped, and since she doesnt think the same way, its OK for it to continue??
> 
> Nope.


My point is that maybe she feels as if he is not respecting _her_ feelings either. It might bother OP, but it is important to her. 

I just feel like neither side is right or wrong and maybe they should have a mature discussion about it so they both understand where the other is coming from and they can reach some sort of compromise.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

batsociety said:


> My point is that maybe she feels as if he is not respecting _her_ feelings either. It might bother OP, but it is important to her.
> 
> I just feel like neither side is right or wrong and maybe they should have a mature discussion about it so they both understand where the other is coming from and they can reach some sort of compromise.


This I can not agree on. Exes are almost always poison to a relationship when brought up in manner that the wife is doing.

Nobody wants to look at a picture that they KNOW was from a time spent with a partners former flame. One thing to be packed away in a box, another to be on display.

If the wife cares about the husbands feelings I think it should be easy to just replace the picture. I can bet of he put pics from his past in the house she'd change her tune very quickly. That's exactly what has to be done in this case unfortunately.


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

jdawg2015 said:


> This I can not agree on. Exes are almost always poison to a relationship when brought up in manner that the wife is doing.
> 
> Nobody wants to look at a picture that they KNOW was from a time spent with a partners former flame. One thing to be packed away in a box, another to be on display.
> 
> If the wife cares about the husbands feelings I think it should be easy to just replace the picture. I can bet of he put pics from his past in the house she'd change her tune very quickly. That's exactly what has to be done in this case unfortunately.


But what exactly is she supposed to do? Just pretend that the months/years she spent with these people didn't happen? That's unreasonable. I know a lot of people clutch onto this idealistic notion that their partner is coming to them straight out of the box, but why? Why would you want to pretend that the experiences that made the person you love who they are didn't happen? 

And I don't know the nature of what exactly OP's wife has been saying because he didn't elaborate, but it's not like she's being a d*ck about it. She's not comparing him to her exes, she's just sharing her life with him. 

IDK, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm out of my depth because I have not experienced this myself. I just don't understand what there is to be uncomfortable about.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

batsociety said:


> But what exactly is she supposed to do? Just pretend that the months/years she spent with these people didn't happen? That's unreasonable. I know a lot of people clutch onto this idealistic notion that their partner is coming to them straight out of the box, but why? Why would you want to pretend that the experiences that made the person you love who they are didn't happen?
> 
> And I don't know the nature of what exactly OP's wife has been saying because he didn't elaborate, but it's not like she's being a d*ck about it. She's not comparing him to her exes, she's just sharing her life with him.
> 
> IDK, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm out of my depth because I have not experienced this myself. I just don't understand what there is to be uncomfortable about.


The vast majority of people, if they are being honest, don't want to see and hear about their partners past. 

The wife in this case talks about the exes all the time and the pictures are also from the past. That hits close to home for most people. Imagination can be brutal and the wife is helping to fan it for the OP.

Feelings are not rational.... but spouses need to be sensitive to them.


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## another shot (Apr 14, 2015)

Him "this makes me feel ****ty"

Her "tough"


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## another shot (Apr 14, 2015)

batsociety said:


> But what exactly is she supposed to do?


Take the pictures down and show some compassion for her spouse. It's not remotely unreasonable. 

Insisting on leaving them up is obnoxious. Even if she disagrees, the way he feels ought to be enough for her to get a box and pack them up immediately. She doesn't have to get it for it to be done. Resentment will build and burn this marriage out on a matter of years. If this were not her home before he moved in, they would not be put up. 

I am sure he feels like a guest in her home not comfortable in his own home. 

That sucks and I am stunned anyone would argue that it's ok to maintain something so simply fixed that makes their spouse feel ****ty. 

IS she a narcissist? Perhaps


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

another shot said:


> Take the pictures down and show some compassion for her spouse. It's not remotely unreasonable.
> 
> Insisting on leaving them up is obnoxious. Even if she disagrees, the way he feels ought to be enough for her to get a box and pack them up immediately. She doesn't have to get it for it to be done. Resentment will build and burn this marriage out on a matter of years. If this were not her home before he moved in, they would not be put up.
> 
> ...


Fully Agree:iagree:


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## Pufferfish (Sep 25, 2013)

BoltToBolt said:


> Thing is, everywhere we go, at least every weekend and probably every other day she is telling me about being here or when she did this (biking, boating, whatever) with her ex husband or one of her previous boyfriends - two in particular come up all of the time. In addition to that, I moved into her home and she still has things from those 2 prominently displayed in the home. I have told her this bothers me and she says tough - its just my insecurity and her past is what makes her who she is. So, I told her it makes me feel like I am less important to her, that my love language is affirmation and it would help if she could affirm the value of our relationship to her. She says I am just being insecure.
> 
> Would your spouse keeping these items (photos of scenes - not people or nick nack presents) and seemingly always talking about her experiences with these other guys bother you?


Interesting. I'm sure someone else had already brought up this point, but didn't you discover this undesirable trait while you guys were dating?

In answer to your question - Yes, it would bother the hell out of me. If it were my girlfriend, I would say stuff it, you can let your past make you who you are - Single. 

No offence, but you are indeed insecure but not in the way that your wife thinks. You are unsure of standing by yourself and you are letting your wife walk all over you. Probably to avoid rocking the boat.


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