# Seperate rooms?



## HotAirBaloon14 (Nov 24, 2019)

For those going through divorce and seperation, did you move out or to another room? My STBEX insist I should move to another room, preferably out of the house. I known rights and I'm tempted to say no, if she wants to seperate so bad she can move.

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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I moved into the guest room because I wanted to. I have been there for 5 weeks. We never discussed it, but we don’t discuss anything anymore.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

We had a small guesthouse, so I lived in there for four years - one year of separation and 3 years divorced.

In your situation, who asked for the divorce? In my opinion, that's the person who should move.


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## HotAirBaloon14 (Nov 24, 2019)

minimalME said:


> We had a small guesthouse, so I lived in there for four years - one year of separation and 3 years divorced.
> 
> 
> 
> In your situation, who asked for the divorce? In my opinion, that's the person who should move.


She is asking for the divorce. I kind of feel she should move out since she is asking also, but she doesnt see it that way. I know legally I dont have to until a judge orders it.

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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I agree with you, she wants out of the marriage, so SHE should be the one moving into another room, or more preferably, OUT of the house. Stand your ground! She has no legal leg to stand on in this regard.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Since she is the one that wants out, she should be the one to leave. The house preferably, at least the marital bedroom.

I made that mistake in marriage #1.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I agree with the others. I moved out of our bedroom and I am the one pushing for our D.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Is there a physical resson that moving out of the bedroom would be harder on her?

Is there a physical reason it would be harder on you?

What is your real reason for not wanting to move out? Is it to stick it to her and protest the divorce? Or is it just that you really like sleeping there and don't want to move? Because option 1 is childish and petty but option 2 has merit.

Who do you think will live in the house?

I'm inclined to think the one who's probably going to move out should leave the bedroom. I slept in the spare room because I planned to move out.

If she refuses to leave the bedroom will your mental health be ok staying there?


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

I moved to the guest bedroom. She was checked out and cheating on me. Divorce was the only choice really. Why did I move? Her foul vagina might have been excreting potentially hazardous viruses that I wanted no part of! Bleach the sheets just in case.


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## HotAirBaloon14 (Nov 24, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> Is there a physical resson that moving out of the bedroom would be harder on her?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


There are no physical reasons.She just expects me to move out and get out of her life while she goes about like nothing happened. The house will be sold when the divorce is final. I currently cant afford my own place and dont feel I should have to move out of the room I help create because she decided to be mad.

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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

HotAirBaloon14 said:


> There are no physical reasons.She just expects me to move out and get out of her life while she goes about like nothing happened. The house will be sold when the divorce is final. I currently cant afford my own place and dont feel I should have to move out of the room I help create because she decided to be mad.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U1 using Tapatalk


Don't move out ..... if you do not want to.

There is no legal reason you have to ....... plus it gives her more power (she told you what to do and you did it)

I personally would stay in my own bed. 

It's up to you how much pi$$ed off woman you can live with.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If she cheated then she should move out.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Mr.Married said:


> Don't move out ..... if you do not want to.
> 
> There is no legal reason you have to ....... plus it gives her more power (she told you what to do and you did it)
> 
> ...


I agree with this. If you like sleeping in the bed then by all means stay there....just decide what it's worth dealing with.

Even if you're right there can still be a cost for you.

Example: my jerk ex owes me a few hundred bucks for me keeping him on my cell phone plan a year after the divorce (he's now off). He hasn't paid and he's usually on top of things, so that tells me he's made the decision not to. Probably to be an *******.

I'm in the right but dealing with his phony ass isn't worth a few hundred bucks.

Decide what it's worth to you.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

HotAirBaloon14 said:


> There are no physical reasons.She just expects me to move out and get out of her life while she goes about like nothing happened. The house will be sold when the divorce is final. I currently cant afford my own place and dont feel I should have to move out of the room I help create because she decided to be mad.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U1 using Tapatalk


My ex did that. I was a nice guy that had hoped she would come back to me... so she stayed in our condo while I payed the bills and lived in the bedroom I grew up in at my parent's house with a suitcase full of clothes.

All that enabled was for her to have sex with other guys in my bed, throw parties in my place, and for her to just carry on "like nothing happened."

The day you decide to split is the day you call a realtor and get the ball rolling on getting your place listed. She leaves. You get separate bank accounts and start to lead separate lives. Don't be a chump like I was and enable her to live the single party girl lifestyle on my dime while I had nothing except hope.

"You want to be separate? Good, me too. There's the door."


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## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

Stand your ground.
The one who leaves the marriage, leaves the marital bed, plain and simple.
A child would understand the concept.
Best of luck to you going forward.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

shortbus said:


> Stand your ground.
> The one who leaves the marriage, leaves the marital bed, plain and simple.
> A child would understand the concept.
> Best of luck to you going forward.


I think this is overly simplistic.

What if he wanted out because she cheated? Should he leave because he wants out?

What if he cheated? Cheaters put the blame for ending the marriage on the betrayed all the time because they don't want a divorce.

It might be worth asking OP for clarification regarding why she wants a divorce.

Assuming he hasn't behaved in such a way that a reasonable person would no longer want to be married to him, its probably reasonable for him to stay in the bedroom.

But he can't make her leave either so he'll have to decide what it's worth to him.


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## HotAirBaloon14 (Nov 24, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> I think this is overly simplistic.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


She doesnt see me as a man anymore. I have been a stay at home dad for 3 years and having a hard time finding a decent . job now that our son is in school

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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

HotAirBaloon14 said:


> She doesnt see me as a man anymore. I have been a stay at home dad for 3 years and having a hard time finding a decent . job now that our son is in school
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U1 using Tapatalk


Did you two agree that you'd stay at home?


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

There may be legal implications if you move out of the house. Consult a lawyer before ever considering that.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> I moved to the guest bedroom. She was checked out and cheating on me. Divorce was the only choice really. Why did I move? Her foul vagina might have been excreting potentially hazardous viruses that I wanted no part of! Bleach the sheets just in case.


Not to thread jack , but that was hilarious (and sorry about that -- I know that you had tons of pain going through this -- I don't want to minimize that at ALL).


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## HotAirBaloon14 (Nov 24, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> Did you two agree that you'd stay at home?


Yes.

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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

HotAirBaloon14 said:


> Yes.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U1 using Tapatalk


She was fully on board?

Had she expressed prior to asking for a divorce that this arrangement wasn't working for her? If so how long ago? 

Appreciate you providing more details. More details often means better advice. Women are often unhappy with sahd's but sometimes think they'll be ok with it and realize later that they're not. If that's the case she owed it to you to talk to you.

What kind if work do you do?


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## HotAirBaloon14 (Nov 24, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> She was fully on board?
> 
> Had she expressed prior to asking for a divorce that this arrangement wasn't working for her? If so how long ago?
> 
> ...


This started 3 months ago when she said she was unhappy. The plan was for me to be a sahd and go to school. When our son started kindergarten I was to start looking for a job, which I did. My degree is almost finished, couple more classes. She is upset I didnt finish school quicker and says I am lazy and lack motivation. Her reasoning is I should have a good paying job by now and we should have more money, we are not broke though.

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## HotAirBaloon14 (Nov 24, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> She was fully on board?
> 
> Had she expressed prior to asking for a divorce that this arrangement wasn't working for her? If so how long ago?
> 
> ...


Sorry. The only job I could land right now sucks and doesnt pay very well, only brings in 2000 a month. I am working on a computer degree. I was an EMT in the past.

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## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

Lifeistooshort, To answer your previous question. You're looking at it wrong. If someone cheats, they already left the marriage. To want to divorce them doesn't put the injured party in the position to leave the bed, so to speak.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

HotAirBaloon14 said:


> She is upset I didnt finish school quicker and says I am lazy and lack motivation. Her reasoning is I should have a good paying job by now and we should have more money, we are not broke though.


Is she right?

If so, don't throw away the feedback even though you're getting it from a fairly vile source.

If not, recognize it for the garbage that it is and disregard it, along with her.

Only you can say.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Marduk said:


> Is she right?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


To further emphasize this, OP: 

YOU are the arbiter of your performance...not her. 

YOU are the person who sets your standards...not her.

If you aren't meeting standards you know you should, get ****ing busy.

If you are...ignore the noise and keep on keeping on. 



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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

farsidejunky said:


> To further emphasize this, OP:
> 
> YOU are the arbiter of your performance...not her.
> 
> ...


At work, I use what I call the "three bucket" metaphor when coaching my team members.

Bucket one is where you put the feedback about stuff you agree you need to improve on. This is the stuff you actively work on as a top priority.

Bucket two is where you put the stuff you agree you should improve on, but don't really care about. This is the stuff you work on as priority #2... but only until it no longer holds you back. Then you ignore it.

Bucket three is where you put stuff you don't agree on at all, and is frequently more about the person giving you the feedback than it is about you. It's also known as the garbage can.

Had some HBS folks validate my thinking on this, and have some white papers kicking around somewhere if someone wants them. I think they're valid in most parts of life, including marriage. The key is that nobody - and I mean nobody - gets to decide your buckets for you. You don't even need to tell anyone about them, although it's good to use with a coach.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I wanted the divorce. I moved out. I also ended up giving him 95% of the contents so my kids would still have all the items they grew up with, for the part of the week they were with their dad. Plus, I could afford to replace them where he could not. Ours was not any “ugly” parting of ways. It all felt like the right thing to do.


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## HotAirBaloon14 (Nov 24, 2019)

Marduk said:


> Is she right?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


She is right by her way of thinking. I dont think I was being lazy, I was working hard on everything, school, taking care of a kid, keeping the house clean and fixing things, and even building things like benches and shelves. Could I have worked harder, maybe. I have acknowledged that I could and will do more, and I have been trying like crazy to land a decent job. 

I have been avoiding saying the following to avoid trying to sound like I am blaming her for everything. She started a new job the beginning of the summer. It was her first 8-5, 5 days a week job, she is a nurse, and she hates the hours. She left a flight nurse job that was bad but still wants to fly. I encouraged her to find another but she is stuck in this job for a couple more months. It was suppose to be a great job, but only thing great about it is pay. Her grandfather, who she was very close with, passed away at the end of the summer with her by his side. Then our son started school and a few activities that take up a couple evenings a week. She was coming home every evening just to say hi and watch us leave. I know her stress from all this only brought out and multiplied her feelings towards me. 

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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

HotAirBaloon14 said:


> She started a new job the beginning of the summer.


Is this when your troubles began?


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## HotAirBaloon14 (Nov 24, 2019)

Marduk said:


> Is this when your troubles began?


Yes, that's when things started downhill. We didnt start fighting till end of summer.

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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

HotAirBaloon14 said:


> Yes, that's when things started downhill. We didnt start fighting till end of summer.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U1 using Tapatalk


So...

Who's the guy at her new job?


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## HotAirBaloon14 (Nov 24, 2019)

Marduk said:


> So...
> 
> 
> 
> Who's the guy at her new job?


Lol, I was waiting for that. 

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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

HotAirBaloon14 said:


> Lol, I was waiting for that.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U1 using Tapatalk


Why?

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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

HotAirBaloon14 said:


> Lol, I was waiting for that.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U1 using Tapatalk


Listen, man. I'm not saying it's certain, but it's so common that it's a cliche. Hell, it happened to me, and I 100% didn't believe it at the time.

We drove to work together, ate most lunches together, drove home together, spent evenings and weekends together. All the while she was telling me she didn't like sex. That I was unattractive (actually voted the hottest guy in my high school), that I didn't make enough money (making nearly six figures at the time in my mid 20's, 20 years ago), that I was lazy (full time job, taught martial arts and helped run a dojo, active charity work, etc), and that I did nothing around our house (I did 99% of the cooking, cleaning, and laundry when we divorced).

Guess what? She just didn't like sex with me as much as she liked it with an out of shape, ugly, minimum wage security guard that still lived with his parents that worked in her building. They must have been doing it in a broom closet or something.

My point is that my wife's words were meaningless. What I had to do is be exceedingly rational. I had to de-program myself and see what was actually going on. That started when a buddy pulled me aside and told me about the other guy. And then her uncle did the same (the only one from her family that ever spoke to me after she left). I was shocked. And then I accepted. And then it all made sense.

Think about it. Just as a thought experiment. Let's say there's some dude she's into at her new job. You don't even have to accept yet that she's done anything with him. She could just be pining over this guy. Then all of her behaviour suddenly makes sense - why you suddenly aren't enough as you are. It's because you're being measured against a fantasy. Why she suddenly has problems even with decisions she was a part of - because she's now thinking about what could have been with this other guy. Or what could be.

This is why it's so very dangerous to try to measure yourself with her yardstick.

And I think it's time for you to get your Magnum PI on here and start to figure out what is really going on. Or, you know, just leave with a bit of a clearer head about it. In fact, that's what I recommend here. Just go.

But see her for who she is.


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## HotAirBaloon14 (Nov 24, 2019)

Marduk said:


> Listen, man. I'm not saying it's certain, but it's so common that it's a cliche. Hell, it happened to me, and I 100% didn't believe it at the time.
> 
> We drove to work together, ate most lunches together, drove home together, spent evenings and weekends together. All the while she was telling me she didn't like sex. That I was unattractive (actually voted the hottest guy in my high school), that I didn't make enough money (making nearly six figures at the time in my mid 20's, 20 years ago), that I was lazy (full time job, taught martial arts and helped run a dojo, active charity work, etc), and that I did nothing around our house (I did 99% of the cooking, cleaning, and laundry when we divorced).
> 
> ...


I understand what you are saying. I dont think I will ever be able to get her phone, but I'm getting a VAR today.

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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

HotAirBaloon14 said:


> I understand what you are saying. I dont think I will ever be able to get her phone, but I'm getting a VAR today.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U1 using Tapatalk


Go ahead, if you think it will make you feel better.

But ask yourself why. Your marriage is already over. She doesn't want it. She's treating you like ****. She's asking you to leave. I remember being in that place, holding onto hope.

Sure, finding out she was cheating helped me let go, but in retrospect it wasn't necessary. The only thing that was necessary is to let myself go, plummet to the bottom of that particular mountain, pick myself up, dust myself off, and start climbing a new mountain. That mountain just wasn't for me.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Your first step toward peace is when you begin to let go of connecting with the thing that is not bringing you peace.

Seriously...

I know it hurts to hear the words "I don't love you anymore", but but we really don't need to hear those more than once although ego tells us different, and that is why we suffer.

When I realized my divorce was more of a business dissolution than a marriage breakup, it changed the way I looked at it although it was still hurtful to think I was disposable.

"Her" truth was that I was, and so appears to yours that you are too.

A one-way love affair ain't fair to loving yourself more.

Does making it hard on her make it easier on you?

Doubtful... she will suffer by her own hand so let her.

It doesn't matter if she is stepping out, be sure you use your time and energy for the right effort... custody, finishing classes, focus on the healthy things and not the things that you cannot change.

Her behaviors alone have shown you who she is.

Regardless of the blame placed, you did not change her then nor will you change her now.

We change ourselves either mindfully or not... the closer you stay the more likely to be tainted by the bad feelings unless you can buffer it to the end with kindness, and that can be very hard to keep up in close proximity. Not undoable, but you have to be in a masterfully compassionate mindset that understands the suffering will end when the marriage does.

There is good motivation in that to help move things along.

From what you've written, moving to another room sounds peaceful... there is no real consequence to that.

Out of the home is another story... stay until you have all settlements documented and submitted with sealed signatures.

That is where the VAR is handy... keep it for those discussions.


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