# Am I the problem?



## Lacking (Apr 26, 2013)

Ok this is my first time posting anywhere about these problems. I chose general because I dont know where this should go.

Well here goes............................

I have been married for 11 years. My wife has been in school for 9 of those years. I have tried to help her out in any way that I can, but its hard with my work. I take day trips alot and some times i have to spend the night in a hotel. The problem with this is that, she complains that its her time to be able to finish school. That and its my fault that its taking her so long to complete. I admit that I put alot of myself into my work, due to the fact that we have 2 children and a mortgage. Whats really unfair is that she changed her major 1 semester away from graduating and had to start from the begining again. I wasnt given much choice in that due to the fact she said that she wasnt going to be happy. She recently wanted to quit school due to stress, but i wanted her to finish. We sank almost $19,000 into her schooling with student loans. I didnt want to waste that much money. Now its my fault that she is stressed out, according to her. *Should I have just let her quit?*

I just got a new position at work and requires me to put in longer hours, basically on salary. When they give me the chance for Overtime, she wont let me take it due to her schedule with school. I'm trying to look out for the family, but it looks to everyone else that i just dont want to spend time with my family. I'm looking at it as making $60 and hour vs $30 and hour.....I want to be able to provide for my kids and make the mortgage go down faster. *Am I a bad parent?*

Finally, INTIMACY. Ok, my wife is not the most robust person in the world. She is often sick, with what she calls "stress related" ailments. This does put a major damper on our sex life. I try to be understanding and not push, but when I ask if we can have sex, I'm just sex crazed and not thinking of her. Within the past 2 and 1/2 years, we have had sex, maybe 8 times. I have tried to find other ways of us rekindle and reconnect. I suggest going out and doing things together when the kids sleep over at their grandparents house. I have suggested the movies, golfing, going out to the local street fairs, playing pool, and others that I cant really remember. In the past 2 and 1/2 years, we have only gone out twice like this. All other times she is too tired, or not feeling well. Yet when her friends from work want to do something like what i suggest, she goes. No matter how she feels. But when i want to go out with my friends from work, I have to ask and what she says is final, while she tells me that she is going out. 

I'm very fustrated sexually, emotionally, and I'm starting to take my fustrations out on my kids, which i really hate myself for. 

What am i doing wrong?


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Lacking said:


> ..I'm very fustrated sexually, emotionally, and *I'm starting to take my fustrations out on my kids*, which i really hate myself for.
> 
> What am i doing wrong?


Mr. OP

Please Do NOT do this EVER again! You will never gain any sympathy from anybody with this kind of behavior..NEVER blame the kids for the faults of your relationship with your wife! It won't do any good, and it is damaging for them!

As for your wife, if she keeps doing what she has been doing, and refuses to see that it is a torment for you, then I won't blame you if one day you can't take it anymore and file for divorce.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

First...this breaks my heart, man cuz I totally see a guy working his ass off to provide and he is rewarded with a wife who seemingly just wants to take, take...take! School for 9 years?! What kind of doctorate is she working on? She sounds like someone who just doesn't want to grow up - the perpetual student. Changing her major a semester before graduating?! 

What are you doing wrong?

You're enabling this behavior. You've allowed her to stroll down her little "education" road and supported it every step of the way. Including allowing her to change majors.

Family stuff...Have people said things to you that it appears you don't want to spend time with your family? I bet they haven't. I bet that's something that your wife has filled your noggin with and you have simply bought into it.

Intimacy...aka SEX...often sick...stress related ailments...all bogus. Yeah, that's right. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it's all in her head. In the Infidelity section of TAM there's something that we call "cake eating". It's when a wayward spouse gets to have their home life and their affair life. The way I see it - your wife is exhibiting the same behaviors. She has her home life - you taking care of all the bills and whatnot. Then she's got her "affair life" - school. 

I could be way off though.

My suggestion is that you need to increase your self esteem. You might order the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" cuz you seem to be a typical "nice guy"...which in and of itself isn't a bad thing, but its easy for someone like that to get taken advantage of. And that is where your biggest problems are, IMO.

Hopefully, more people than me come on and give some advise cuz one voice isn't enough.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Well I would start by reading His Needs Her Needs and the Five Languages of Love.

Good luck.


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## Foolish1 (Apr 5, 2013)

I agree that the problem is that you're enabling it. I was somewhat similar to your wife. I think the only thing that's keeping our marriage alive right now if that my H didn't completely enable my behaviour.

I sometimes take my frustrations out on the kids too. It's just the worst, isn't it? Nothing makes me feel lower than that.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I'll interject cuz I forgot to address it in my first post...

Taking things out...no matter how small, on your kids is obviously not cool at all. What it points to is simply the unresolved conflict that you are having with your wife. You need (and I usually try not to tell people what they "need") to get this sh-t straight, buddy. Like pronto.


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## headingthere (Mar 31, 2012)

I agree with SomedayDig... breaks my heart. Maybe it's more, and too much, Mr. Nice Guy, but can you compromise a little on your goals? I was particularly caught by your comment about paying the mortgage down faster. Great goal, but very very forward thinking. Could you agree that you will work those OT hours but use the money for "now time"? Maybe to hire a baby sitter for the weekend and spend relaxing time with your wife? Or to take the family on a trip together? Not just once, but build it into the financial planning?


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Lacking said:


> What am i doing wrong?


Working hard for your family and trying to be patient and understanding with your neurotic wife. 

Selfish bastard.


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## Lacking (Apr 26, 2013)

You're guys are right. I'm not looking for sympathy in that arena. I hate myself when i inadvertly take things out on my kids. I never do it intentionally, and when i catch myself doing it, I take a step back and breath. I alway tell my kids that I love them, and i'm sorry.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

OP yes you are part of the problem....

I was you in terms of taking it out on the kids 3.5 years ago.

In fact that is what lead directly to ILYNILWY and now an ongoing 3.5 year sexless marriage after 17 years of a regular one.

My kids forgave me in full....about a day after I changed. They knew they messed up too.

In my case it was a lot of yelling especially after drinking. Not just to yell at them but to show them how upset I was at them when the messed up. raising two boys who are constantly bickering is hard

I did so for three reasons....

1. Relieve stress for a low sex marriage
2. Send a message to my wife I was stressed... hoping for sex
3. To be the tough father so kids would comply

Now in the old days this was acceptable its not like I hit the kids I just verbalized displeasure often.

I get that feeling of out of control.. I didn't mean it etc.

--------

I was wrong... my wife convinced me yelling was not the answer. So i quit drinking (I was not an alcoholic) and stopped yelling. The kids responded... I learned to have long drawn out calm talks with them instead. They now know not to mess up due to the fact that they will get a very long talk about their behavior.

The kids and I are now more bonded than they are with my wife.

They are better and I am better.. They know my look and hey are much better young men.

I live that everyday and have done so consistently for 3 and a half years.

----------------------

Even with all that my wife still holds a grudge over that time period, we are working to get back to normal sexually... its a long hard road.

Just a perspective from someone who was there.

My wife is also wrong for witholding sex. Every bit as bad as what I did.

Its on both of you... you can only affect you.


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## Lacking (Apr 26, 2013)

Actually it has been said that I seem like I dont want to spend time with my family. This was said by an independent counciler from a childrens program in my commuinty. When i explained to her what my job was, she said "OH, I didn't realize." That and coming from her side of the family. My side of the family understands as we are all trade contractors. 

As for allowing her to change majors....I didnt find out until after she did it. Then she told me she wasnt going to be happy. Sorry should have clairfied that. I didnt want her to change it back since it would have costed more. We have been fighting on the schooling issue for some time now. I want her to finish so we can be more financally stable.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Lacking said:


> Actually it has been said that I seem like I dont want to spend time with my family. This was said by an independent counciler from a childrens program in my commuinty. When i explained to her what my job was, she said "OH, I didn't realize." That and coming from her side of the family. My side of the family understands as we are all trade contractors.
> 
> *When my wife was in the middle of her affair...her family thought I was not doing enough around the house because that's what SHE told them. I was a pilot flying all over the place. I was constantly on the road. It was HER who painted me in a wrong way...which she has since apologized for and told her parent's the truth. I'm saying this cuz it seems like she's doing kind of the same with her side of the family.*
> 
> As for allowing her to change majors....I didnt find out until after she did it. Then she told me she wasnt going to be happy. Sorry should have clairfied that. I didnt want her to change it back since it would have costed more. We have been fighting on the schooling issue for some time now. I want her to finish so we can be more financally stable.


Okay...see - right there, she made a MAJOR LIFE DECISION by changing her major _without_ you. She didn't talk about it first because she knew you wouldn't be happy and you probably wouldn't have gone along with it.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

your wife is very very selfish and has the nerve to blame it all on you. She does not realize what a good thing she has. Not every wife and mother has the luxury to choose not to work. Many women have no choice but to work. And you're working your @ss off, picking up the huge slack because she's not only not working, but costing thousands of $$ a year, and she's angry at you? She's got it all backwards. She should thank her lucky stars that she's got you taking care of all her impulsive and expensive whims.

So not only does she not have to work, she's dragging out schooling because it means when it's over, she will have to work. She's like your child, except there's no way in h*ll that you'd spend thousands on a college education for a child then one semester before graduation, you kid decides to start all over. That is just outrageous. It is beyond outrageous.

It is pathetic that she's blaming you for all this. I'm not sure how to put an end to your wife's feelings of entitlement and that you enable it. You sound like a nice guy and only want what is best for her and you don't want to be the bad guy to say, "no."

She says she wasn't going to be happy with that major? Is she happy now? Can anything you do or accept or enable or encourage ever make her happy? Until she starts respecting and appreciating you and as long as you're perceived as the 'bad guy' I don't see a happy ending. She will take and take and take til you can take no more. I think you're getting to that point and have to decide if this is a woman you still want to be with.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Nine years in school. All I can say is wow! It's pretty obvious that you don't realize how she's taking advantage of you. It's also apparent that you're a chronic nice guy. Like Someday Digs said, she made a huge life decision that impacted you and your children without discussing it first. This is a clear sign of disrespect and selfishness. She's appears to have a couple of smoke screens designed to keep you from seeing her true intentions. The stress ailments are just excuses to garner your sympathy and turn you down for sex. The "you don't want to be around your kids" crap is suppose to make you feel guilty and keep you from realizing how selfish she's being. Classic deflectionon her part and very well played. In reality you probably have no idea what she actually thinks about you or if she's being faithful since you're willing to swallow any excuse she coughs up. I would reccommend closely investigating all of her activities immediately and to start laying down some boundaries. Frankly I think your marriage is in serious trouble based on your side of the story.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Just to get more clarity...

What subject matter was your wife getting a degree in before. What did she switch to?

Is she working on a bachelors? Or something higher?


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

I don't think you're a bad husband at all. In fact, it sounds like you care deeply. You have a strong need to provide for your family, and you're willing to work very hard to make sure they are well taken care of. You're wife should feel blessed to have a husband who behaves this way.

I think it's better though, if you didn't worry quite as much about "paying down the mortgage" when the house around you is...figuratively...burning down.

Right now, time with your family is more important than pay extra on a mortgage.

As for her schooling, I will go against the grain here and say you don't have any right to "disallow" her to change her major. You have a right to talk about it, discuss financial realities and other stressors 9 years of school is causing your family. But I don't think you can tell her she's not allowed to change her major...end of discussion. That's going to cause so many problems down the road...discuss it, but don't issue demands.

Sex...8 times in two year is outrageous. 8 times is normal within a 1-2 week time frame...not YEARS. When you married her, you and she agreed to many things. One of them was to provide each other with fulfilled sexual needs for the rest of your lives. She is not doing her part here. In fact, she is being cruel and cold and mean. Unless she has a profound medical issue, there is simply no excuse for forcing you into a sexless life. No wonder there is such a disconnect between you two. Sex is bonding. A couple should engage frequently.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I see alot of red flags here with regards to infidelity. I would be doing my own investigation in protecting my self from being decieved any further.

From what I see is that she treats you like crap, doesn;t want to have sex with you and loves to go out (except with you)....

How guarded is she with her phone?

How accountable is she with her time?

How often is she texting?

Have you looked at her phone log?

Have you looked at her social sites?


We all agree that she is not doing her part so lets find out why!


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I don't get the whole "asking for sex thing." I have never asked. If I make a move she reciprocates. If she makes a move I reciprocate. We agreed before we ever married that we would never deny the other and we never have.


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## Lacking (Apr 26, 2013)

Thanks for all your feedback guys!

To clarify some questions that are being asked.

She went from Business Economics to Psycology.....she said that she wanted to work with kids.....but the job market in Psycology is pretty bare. And it was for a Bachelors Degree.

She is not guarded with her phone, in fact i'm the one who has to set everything up and sometimes reply to things for her.


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

So I wanted to address this thought of your wife withholding sex and calling you sex crazed. To be honest if she is lacking an emotional connection with you then she is not going to want to have sex. If she thinks you are using her as a warm body she is not going to want to have sex. It sounds to me like she is trying to avoid an emotional connection with you (not going out on dates, lack of sex life). She's not trying to punish you or maliciously hurt you. But she is sending out signals that you two have a huge emotional gap.

Now be honest about working overtime. It's not just about paying down the mortgage is it? Are you sure that there is not some part of you that just wants to escape from the mess in your home life for the relative stableness of work? Less drama at work right? She may be worried that there is someone else at your work. So you hide behind the selfless "paying down the mortgage" and she hides behind "school" when what you should really be doing is working on communicating.

It also sound to me like she may be having an identity crisis (hence the switching majors) and staying in school vs focusing on roles as wife/mother/student/household contributer etc etc.

As far as "taking it out on the kids." While I agree that you shouldn't be abusing them at every turn it is perfectly normal for you to have a bad day now and then and be prickly and snappish with everyone around you. Including your children. We spend alot of time as a society shielding our children from perfectly normal feelings. If you feel you have been overly harsh with them, by all means issue them a heartfelt apology, and promise to be mindful in the future, but don't forget that your children love you and just like you would forgive them for being snappy or losing their temper occasionally so they will also forgive you.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Lacking said:


> Thanks for all your feedback guys!
> 
> To clarify some questions that are being asked.
> 
> ...


FYI, your wife is not planning to work, ever. 

Your relationship sounds really one-sided. She gets what she wants without giving much of herself to the relationship.


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