# Heartache



## confused2301 (Jan 11, 2012)

I need support/advice and frequent this site often. Maybe I just need a forum to express how I feel. 

I am physically separated from my husband now for 5 months. For the past year he has been struggling with continuing on in the marriage and from Sept 2011-Mar 2012 he consistently left monthly 1-2 weeks at a time saying he needed space. He would come back and give excuses as to why he left but could never tell me what issues he had with us or anything that I could do to help. I didn't know how to act. I knew my marriage was falling apart but didn't know how to fix it and he completely shut down. After a false promise to me and our families of going to counselling and doing what it takes to make it work, he called it quits at the end of March and hasn't looked back.

I have asked him numerous times to reconsider, apologized for what I think was my part in the demise of the marriage but to no avail. He repeatedly tells me he does not love me and in his heart he doesn't think the love will come back. He says that he is sorry for hurting me but this is what is right for him.

I've asked him for why and when he stopped loving me and he cannot give me those answers. Fast forward to today where he has paid for a separation agreement to be drawn up (which we have come to terms with together) and our marital home is to go up for sale in a month. I am heartbroken and wake up everyday with a physical ache in my heart. Does anyone else feel this?

I feel I have no choice, no closure, and no real reason as to why this is happening, just that it is and now I have to cope. I am devastated. I am in IC and trying to detach...but it is oh so hard...I pray to God for strength to accept this and move on. We have no kids but a dog that gets shuffled back and forth between us. Any helpful advice or words of wisdom is appreciated. Thanks for reading.


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## Dewy (Aug 29, 2012)

sorry to her about your marriage, you sound like a good woman. some people wake up to late and think they have all the time in the world to GET IT RIGHT.

when his world crashes he will look to you for comfort but you will not be there. No contact is best it will help you heal


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

I know how you feel. I'm very attached to my life with my spouse as well. It is so hard to make the changes and adjust to a new reality. 

*Be patient with yourself* Accept that this insecurity is at least part of the process. It won't be easy to do something you aren't motivated to do. In some ways you are being forced to kill your marriage and all that it meant. How easy is it to kill even when you want to? 

*Refocus your attention.* A lot of advise is to do new things. The reason for it is to literally distract you from thinking of your STBX. We humans can't hold two things in our minds at the same time. Doing stuff or finding new hobbies will open up your world to possibility and help you stand on your own. The other part of this is literally you are focusing on the wrong thing. He's not there. So what? Focus on what is there friends, family, and time to rediscover yourself. You are likely really hard on yourself right now thinking about regrets, missed opportunities, inability to turn yourself into a pretzel for his benefit, what ever it is. Compliment yourself outside of him or the situation. I am beautiful, I am intelligent, I treat others with compassion and love.

*Create new boundaries.* A spouse who doesn't want a divorce (I'm in that group.) likes to leave the door open and the same old boundaries. You talk the same way (open and inviting), you try to get close (both physically and mentally), and you are expectant for the slightest hint of a return to the old. Remember that is what got you to where you are. It didn't really help. You have work to do on how you relate to a romantic interest, outside of them. You need to work on you and how you relate to yourself and others.

*Take him at his word.* If he says that it isn't coming back, believe him. If he says that he doesn't love you believe him. On some level your desire to work on it is rooted in the fact that you don't believe him because you aren't that way. You still love him and the lie your buying into is that it has to be returned because it was before. It doesn't, it isn't, and you can't know what is going on inside his head even though you have a wealth of experience with him.

Thanks for posting. This is just as much for me as it was for you. The physical pain is going to pass. You'd be surprised just how much you can come to endure.

GearHead


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

confused,

Read the following two links and when you feel better, explain more what exactly is wrong with your marriage:

*Just Let Them Go*
*The 180 degree rules*


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## confused2301 (Jan 11, 2012)

Thank you for your replies. 

Headgear, that was very helpful...esp the part about taking him at his word.

Synthetic, thanks for the links, I frequent them often.

The problem is I don't know how my marriage went south. I do know problems started after we got our yellow lab puppy (she was a lot of work) and I had a miscarriage...all at the same time. I was eager to get pregnant again and he wasn't. I've apologized over and over again for pressuring him and agreed with him that until we get ourselves right we shouldn't even think about having a baby. He told me the pressure I put on him did not make a difference. I apologized for not being appreciative or as attentive as I could be. He said we didn't have a connection anymore and I was in the middle of making vacation plans, dinner plans, night out plans before he left. He refused to go to counselling even after he promised. He SAYS there is no one else, I have no proof and am not 100% sure. At this point, 5 months in, if there was, why not just admit it? Why can't he tell me when or why he stopped loving me so I don't think everything about our life was a sham?

At this point we have little to no communication. This is moving along against my desire. He is being very cowardly in that he cannot face me. It is the same when we were struggling..instead of talking it out he would leave and just avoid me. Yet I still miss him and our life...the heartache is so very real. 

I am trying my best to detach. I am pretty active and social...but when I come home to my empty house or see other happy couples I feel jealous, sad and pitiful. 

Thanks for reading and the advice. I know I am not alone and that is somewhat comforting.


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## Dewy (Aug 29, 2012)

many years ago I had a GF who i loved and wanted to marry. she left me for someone eles and it was the most hurt i have ever felt, but as TIME went by, I met a wonderfull woman who has given me everything and me her, I am her world and she is mine we have been married for many years, when i look back on what my old GF did i see it as a good thing , even with all the hurt., because now i am happy and even if i married her (GF) i dont think life would have been as good as it has been.

I ran into her (old girl freind) not to long ago, she told me the guy she left me for cheated on her after they had a son together, and that she stayed single for 10 years thinking about me and what a mistake she made. I told her thank you for leaving me, that it freed me to find my now wife.
things will get better work on you and be very sure before committing to another relationship


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

confused,

I understand the need to understand to know what happened and to face the reality, but there is something hidden just behind that which is what you need to see. Your hoping it is something you can work on, or that there is a misunderstanding to correct and make right. What if there isn't? What if he woke up one morning and decided he hated the shape of your head and that no matter what you do you'll never be able to change that. In all honesty their reasons don't matter and wont fix anything. All that matters is you being ok where you are. 

I would recommend figuring out the dog thing so that you can have no contact with him at all. It might be best to put him up for adoption so that neither of you is resentful to the other for keeping him/her. 

This isn't your fault. He said that he wanted kids and that he wanted them with you. Miscarriages happen for all kinds of reasons. It isn't your fault that the puppy was hard to deal with.

It could be that the shock of the miscarriage and the puppy and the disappointment made him fall out of infatuation with you and he didn't do the work to build a long term love and commitment. More likely he had a problem and couldn't express it and made decisions about all of that to himself which caused him to not be "in love with you". Fundamentally, all of that is his choice and how he deals with relationships. 

It speaks volumes that you want to continue to try, but take it from someone who just went through a false reconciliation. You know when they want to be with you and when they don't. If he really wants you he'll come running and pestering you all the time. Until that happens there is nothing for you to do, but focus on you. When you walk into the house and you are alone think about how nice it is to not have a man around to deal with. When you see other happy couples remember the times the two of you put on a happy facade for others when things weren't going well.

GearHead


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## confused2301 (Jan 11, 2012)

Thank you both Dewy and Headgear for the wisdom. It is much appreciated and like most of the advice given here on TAM I am going to take it to heart. 

My synch will keep the dog...he doesn't want to give her up and she looks to him as her master and I couldn't bear to do that to her anyways. He has offered for me to see her whenever I want but I told him I can't in the near future as it means communicating with him and I need to heal. Just thinking about not seeing my darling lab puppy breaks my heart even more as she is all loveable and sweet and I'm crying as I type this.....so for now I cherish whatever time I have with her until the house is sold and we go our separate ways.. 

Thanks for reading.


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

big hugs for you

you dont really have a choice like most of us who are told "I no longer love you, or am in Love you"

Its time to work on you, to dig deep and redefine yourself, it can take days,weeks, months or years...

If you keep doing what you always did you will always get the same result, time to try something different.

I know you dont feel like it but if not today, one day you have to take responsibility for your emotions and your inner self...

I can relate to the pain and the heart ache and the difficulty in waking up and the memories, the tears and agony....

It will only get easier once you begin to distract yourself and with the help of professionals and friends find a new direction, I know its not what you want to hear right now but until you dont address your inner most feelings things will not change...

Keep fighting, take each day as it comes, try and see a therapist if poss and take things from there...

This forum is a great help, just by reading peoples stories and hearing how they came out of it is so inspiring and motivating for me...

I am still working on me and pray in time this episode will be like a bad dream, one that taught me loads about me, helped to redefine me and most importantly made me feel most grateful for not staying with someone who truly did not deserve me...


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

confused2301 said:


> Thank you for your replies.
> 
> Headgear, that was very helpful...esp the part about taking him at his word.
> 
> ...


All of those words reminded me of me. Unfortunately, in my case, there was another woman. The day I found out and confronted him, he asked me for a divorce. 

I also have to add that I 'thought' our problem started when his father was showing signs of alzheimers. I just found out from one of my ex's confidant that he was actively pursuing other women before his father's illness. This makes sense to me when he said that his father's illness had nothing to do with what was happening to us.


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

All of those words reminded me of me. Unfortunately, in my case, there was another woman. The day I found out and confronted him, he asked me for a divorce. 

The more threads I read and people I hear from the more it drills home, no relationship ever ends until one of the two find someone else....then come all the "i dont love, you deserve better blah blah"

I was thinking this until you said it...


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

xirokx said:


> All of those words reminded me of me. Unfortunately, in my case, there was another woman. The day I found out and confronted him, he asked me for a divorce.
> 
> The more threads I read and people I hear from the more it drills home, no relationship ever ends until one of the two find someone else....then come all the "i dont love, you deserve better blah blah"
> 
> I was thinking this until you said it...


It doesn't always go that way, but I'll agree that it is very common. Mine did, but again an affair is a symptom of the issue and not the root. It complicates things exponentially. Infidelity is common in divorce, but not all divorce is caused by infidelity. Lets frame this in a way that doesn't give the Confused more to chew through on nights she might be vulnerable. I've been guilty of discussing my situation with friends and putting myself into their problems causing more harm than good. I won't make that mistake again. It is how divorce can become contagious.

Let me give you a specific example of something like that. STBXW, I found out recently from her, became very suspicious of me having an affair back 8 years ago before we had kids. I was working a job that had me going 100+ hours a week every week for a year. She was home alone. FIL suggest to her one day, "Are you sure he doesn't have a girl friend?". STBXW takes that and runs with it. Follows around, starts complaining about me being out late and not spending time with her. I changed jobs very soon after that because we were going to start trying to have a baby. Even at the new job I had to work late. She is still checking up on me. I would leave my stuff, phone keys, on the desk in my office and be working in another part of the building (server room) and my car would be in the lot, but if she showed up banging on the door calling my desk/cell I wouldn't answer. This was proof enough for her to think I was out or fooling around. I wasn't. Then we got pregnant and she was past 5-6 months my sex drive would shutdown and I didn't want it. She started having nightmares about me abandoning her and our child. Later after our son was born my job changed and I had to travel quite a bit. I was on the road a lot and missed much of my sons first year. I didn't like that so I looked for a new job. I found one in a larger city and we moved. 

STBXW saw it like this. Dad thinks he's having an affair and he's a guy it must be true. I can't prove he's doing anything but he isn't where he says he is and isn't picking up his phone. He doesn't want to have sex with me. He must be seeing someone else. See we're moving to a new town, he must have broke it off and we are getting away from her. 

There never was a her, but the suggestion ended with her thinking this. "He's done it and travels all the time. I should be able to fool around with someone who I'm in love with and attracted to." It all started with insecurity and supposition and ended with the very thing she was afraid of. Confused may or may not be in that situation, but if we start saying that we all did so it must be true for her. It can go down a road that is very hard to recover from.

Confused trust your own intuition and keep in mind the dangers. It is all still unknown until he's willing to talk and at some point MOST not all spouses who cheat eventually are compelled to come clean.

*Update*
You know, after reading this written, I have to wonder what person in their right mind has a child with someone they think is cheating on them... WTF?


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