# My Frustrating Story



## NeedsHelpInGa (Feb 26, 2016)

This is a story all about how - my life got flipped, turned upsi… (Go ahead, you can sing it in your head). But, as catchy as it is, sums up my, uh… situation! My wife of nearly 11 years, the mother of my children, the woman I have built a life with, etc. I’m facing possibly losing her over something that until about 1 year ago had never crossed my mind. We have had our issues over the years; like any other married couple would. Our issues in the past have always been typical “married people stuff” and in every case before, one of us was right and the other was wrong. When we were first married, I was very immature. My idea of a good night was getting off work and rushing home to play video games until the middle of the night. In doing this, I took time away from her that she can never get back but she stayed with me. I really let my health go and became a binge eater. I’ve always struggled with my weight but I really let it get out of control after I said “I do”. At my highest I was about 370 pounds! But even at that size, she stayed with me. 

We have never been a couple that was “good” at fussing. Everybody has that 1 set of friends that even when they fuss, they are so damn nice to each other! Their love just oozes out of every single word they say. So, yeah… that isn’t us. Our fusses usually start with me suggesting something I would like to see change and her disagreeing. Then depending on the severity of it, I would get mad and spew venom or go silent. Now, in my defense, as I’ve gotten older… I’ve calmed down a lot and I am really good about trying to remain calm and talk through things. But, in this case, only 1 word comes to mind. DEADLOCK. My wife really wants a 3rd child. I emphatically do not. My son is almost 3 now and I first began wanted to get a vasectomy about 1 year ago. I casually asked my wife about it one day and she just smiled said she thought we should wait. She was on the pill so we had the birth prevention covered. As time began to pass, I wanted to get some more permanent in place. Her memory isn’t the best and she would miss a night here and there. We even had a few scares when she would be late along the way.

Around the last week of September 2015, things kind of reached a boiling point. I approached her about getting a vasectomy again and she adamantly rejected the idea. I told her that we had two perfect kids and I (me, myself!) was D-O-N-E and it started a fight. I didn’t know what to do, I couldn’t talk to her about this. I suggested we go and see a counselor together and she didn’t want to do that. After that night, I basically shut down for about 12 weeks. We hardly spoke at all and when we did, it was always about the kids. Finally, about 2 months ago, she had enough and she text me one day at work and wanted to know what my problem was. I was at lunch with some buddy’s from work and I looked up and she was riding by where we were eating. That told me that she suspected I was cheating which I wasn’t nor have I ever! We are both each other’s “one and only” and, to my dismay, we waited until marriage. Anyways, we talked that day and I had made a list of things I wanted her to try to change/improve on. She hasn’t made an attempt on any of them. The list included things like:
•	Do more around the house (I’ll go more into this)
•	Be nicer… earlier in our marriage, she was always a joy to be around. Now it’s always negative with her.
•	Work on being more sexual. (I’m in a 5 month drought but again, I’ll go more into this)

My wife is really the sweetest person anyone could ever meet. She is a great mother. However, in being raised by her farmer dad, she wasn’t a natural clean person. When we started dating, I remember going to her house and literally her entire floor would be covered in clothes. Her bed was never made and her sheets maybe washed once every few months. I figured all of that would change with a little time but it hasn’t. In nearly 11 years of marriage, our chore list would be broken down like this…
•	She has never taken out the trash
•	She hasn’t dusted in probably 4 or 5 years, I always end up doing it
•	She hasn’t mopped in probably 5 or 6 years, I always end up doing it
•	I always wash the dishes
•	I wash all and fold all of the clothes, she puts them up
•	She’s never cleaned mirrors or toilets or vanitys, always me
• I strip the bed and wash the sheets every week

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking for a maid but I can do all this… damnit why can’t she? She grew up in a very messy house, me on the other hand… my mother was a stay at home mom and she kept our house really clean so that has always been my expectation… even if it meant me doing it myself. We would argue sometime and I would try to explain to her “just try to pickup after yourself!! I can keep the house clean, I just cant keep picking up after you!” and she would retort “it’s ok for our house to look lived in!! we actually live here”

Ok, back to the 3rd kid. I think having kids should either be a “HELL YES” or a “HELL NO” type of thing. Bringing a life into the world is a major decision and if you’re not sure, DON’T DO IT!! I’ve never really put my foot down to her about anything. She has always got her way… she’s always been my “baby”. Even before we got married and she lived at home with her dad, she was daddy’s girl and she got what she wanted. I just have absolutely NO desire for a 3rd child. My kids are my entire world. They are perfect! My list of reasons for not wanting another would look something like this…
•	TIME – we are so busy now with life, why would we do this to ourselves. Let’s not spend 2 hours a week washing baby bottles and “pump parts”. Let’s spend more time with each other and with the kids we have. Our youngest is just now getting old enough to where we can go and do more things as a family.
•	MONEY – 22,000 dollars!! That’s what we pay for daycare for 4 years. That doesn’t include everything else. We’re not poor but we’re certainly not rich either. She reminds me at least once every week or two of all of the things we haven’t done with our kids (six flags, skiing, tubing, etc). The “money pie” is only so big, it would be crazy to divide it up a 5th time.
•	COMMUTE – I work 12 miles from my house. Yet, it takes me 50+ minutes to get to work. I take our son to daycare everyday (which I enjoy). But I hate how long it takes me to get to work. In 17 months, he will be old enough for Pre-K and I’ll be able to drop off him and my daughter by school, which is ON THE WAY to my work!! I know this seems crazy but this is a big deal for me. This will shave 30 minutes off my commute each day.
•	EFFORT – Some parents, my wife included, really love the baby phase. I do not. I love my sleep and I hate poop diapers. Getting spit up on isn’t my idea of a fun Friday night. Both of our kids still sleep in the bed with us, our bed is PACKED!! (we’ve argued about this before too, I lost) Where would a new one go? 
•	SEX – We have so little sex now, what would another kid do that that? Also, like I said above, it’s been 5 months since my wife and I have had sex. When we had our initial fuss, she just quit taking the pill completely. It almost seemed like she is daring me to give into temptation. 

I really think we can have a great relationship. In 17 months, my son will be done with daycare and that will be like getting a $400 dollar per month raise. We’re finally, after 11 years, paying off our final $8,000 dollars of stupid credit card debt that we racked up when we got married… which is HUGE!!! If our marriage makes it, we will probably take 3 vacations this year as opposed to our regular 1. I just want for us to enjoy each other. I’m only 32 years old but I’m tired, I do so much more than any other man I know. I want my marriage to survive but how much do I put up with before I decide enough is enough? I don’t want my kids to have a step parents. I always took pride in having my parents still married when I was growing up. 

I’ll say one more thing then I will shut up. I feel like no matter what happens, I lose. If I “enforce” my will and go get a vasectomy done (if she doesn’t leave me), she will resent me and that will destroy our marriage. If she does leave, with me being from a southern state, I’ve got less than a 0% chance of getting custody of my kids. If I give in and let her have her way, I’m miserable. We’re right back in debt. I’m right back to 4+ more years of a 50 minute commute. At least 2 more years of diapers. More formula. More of a mess for ME to clean up. Don’t mistake what I’m saying, I LOVE kids, if she got pregnant again, I would adore it… but I do not want another kid. I think I typed all this more to vent than anything else… but if anyone has any feedback, I’m listening. Thanks


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

#1 Vascectomy is your body, your choice. Just like anything with her body is her choice. If you're done having kids, you're done. She can choose to be OK with that or divorce you.

#2 Learn how to be straight with her instead of going dark on her. Don't avoid conflict. Don't appease her. If you're not happy with your marriage, tell her. "Wife, our marriage isn't making me happy, and adding a child to that would just make everything harder. I'm not sure we're going to stay together as it is. And I'm telling you right now I don't want to have any more children -- with you or anyone -- ever. You can leave if you want, you can resent me if you want, but that isn't going to change. I'm asking for your help to fix what we have, together, because both of us have work to do. Will you help me and help make our marriage better?"

And I damn well hope you're in better shape now.


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## NeedsHelpInGa (Feb 26, 2016)

I'm in good shape now. I work out at least 5 days a week and I weigh 227lbs at 6'2.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Live by your principles.

She will either follow, or she won't.

If she does leave you, you will still be able to look at yourself in the mirror.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Do not have another kid unless you can afford an au paire and a housekeeper. You should get a housekeeper anyways.


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

Proud of you man. Stay strong and above all STAY IN SHAPE. I've never been out of shape, but I would think it's easier to stay in shape than to get into shape.
I'm 57 yo, 6', always weigh in at 160-168#.


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## NeedsHelpInGa (Feb 26, 2016)

Thanks for the feedback everyone... I would really like to hear what some women had to say about this. It's easy for some to say "either she leaves or she wont"... but if she leaves, I lose everything I've worked for my entire adult life and countless time with my kids. Like I said in my original post, it's really a lose, lose situation for me.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

NeedsHelpInGa said:


> This is a story all about how - my life got flipped, turned upsi… (Go ahead, you can sing it in your head). But, as catchy as it is, sums up my, uh… situation! My wife of nearly 11 years, the mother of my children, the woman I have built a life with, etc. I’m facing possibly losing her over something that until about 1 year ago had never crossed my mind. We have had our issues over the years; like any other married couple would. *Our issues in the past have always been typical “married people stuff” and in every case before, one of us was right and the other was wrong.* When we were first married, I was very immature. My idea of a good night was getting off work and rushing home to play video games until the middle of the night. In doing this, I took time away from her that she can never get back but she stayed with me. I really let my health go and became a binge eater. I’ve always struggled with my weight but I really let it get out of control after I said “I do”. At my highest I was about 370 pounds! But even at that size, she stayed with me.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



What does she do? Does she work?

Avoiding a problem is not solving it...."Going Dark" probably scared the hell out of her. 

How often do you go on about "Chores"?

At this point, don't even try to "enforce" your will...You haven't been able to that thus far...and any additional attempts -don't help you. The passive-Aggressive Stuff drives pretty much anyone Bat-****. 

You can tun this around...But you will need help. I will PM you something...


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

NeedsHelpInGa said:


> Thanks for the feedback everyone... I would really like to hear what some women had to say about this. It's easy for some to say "either she leaves or she wont"... but if she leaves, I lose everything I've worked for my entire adult life and countless time with my kids. Like I said in my original post, it's really a lose, lose situation for me.


If you are looking for women to tell you that you are right....Brace Yourself


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

NeedsHelpInGa said:


> Thanks for the feedback everyone... I would really like to hear what some women had to say about this. It's easy for some to say "either she leaves or she wont"... but if she leaves, I lose everything I've worked for my entire adult life and countless time with my kids. Like I said in my original post, it's really a lose, lose situation for me.


Dude *I'm* a woman. :x

I mean it - do not have more kids unless you can afford an au paire and a housekeeper. It sounds like a housekeeper would help right now too. Can you afford one?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

NeedsHelpInGa said:


> Thanks for the feedback everyone... I would really like to hear what some women had to say about this. It's easy for some to say "either she leaves or she wont"... but if she leaves, I lose everything I've worked for my entire adult life and countless time with my kids. Like I said in my original post, it's really a lose, lose situation for me.


So all of that is more important than your principles?

Your problems are larger than your relationship.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## NeedsHelpInGa (Feb 26, 2016)

She does work. We both work in management and we average 45-50 hours per week.

Regarding the chores...not much, maybe a few times a year. I don't even like to bring it up because it always ends in a fuss.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

NeedsHelpInGa said:


> She does work. We both work in management and we average 45-50 hours per week.
> 
> Regarding the chores...not much, maybe a few times a year. I don't even like to bring it up because it always ends in a fuss.




Sooo a few times a year...You start going on about chores. Nothing changes...So then___________ what happens...exactly?


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## NeedsHelpInGa (Feb 26, 2016)

And you sound like someone that thinks the world revolves around your principals. "Till death do us part our your compromise my principals". Backhanded insults online... Wow, welcome to 2016.

My wife means something to me. My kids are my life.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

NeedsHelpInGa said:


> And you sound like someone that thinks the world revolves around your principals. "Till death do us part our your compromise my principals". Backhanded insults online... Wow, welcome to 2016.
> 
> My wife means something to me. My kids are my life.


I tend to believe that when you find yourself arguing over "principles" or "the principle".....It's time to slow right down.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

NeedsHelpInGa said:


> And you sound like someone that thinks the world revolves around your principals. "Till death do us part our your compromise my principals". Backhanded insults online... Wow, welcome to 2016.
> 
> My wife means something to me. My kids are my life.


Hey, it's a valid question. You have an issue about her not doing chores. When you bring it up it causes a problem. It's been going on for years. It's a PROBLEM. It's all over your post. 

What about help around the house???


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## NeedsHelpInGa (Feb 26, 2016)

It improves just enough to shut me up for a short time then it's right back to status quo.

Let me clarify... I gave some background in my original post to provide some perspective. My biggest issue right now is the vasectomy. I know it's my body but what I do with it affects her. Is it still fair for me to basically say to Hell with what she thinks and get one anyway.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

NeedsHelpInGa said:


> Is it still fair for me to basically say to Hell with what she thinks and get one anyway.


No it is not. ('still' fair? Was it ever fair?)


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

NeedsHelpInGa said:


> It improves just enough to shut me up for a short time then it's right back to status quo.
> 
> Let me clarify... I gave some background in my original post to provide some perspective. My biggest issue right now is the vasectomy. I know it's my body but what I do with it affects her. Is it still fair for me to basically say to Hell with what she thinks and get one anyway.


From your post....It would appear that the vasectomy IS NOT the biggest issue. It's big to you -But it's a symptom of a problem. 

And No...I wouldn't think ever just telling someone you love "Hell with what you think" is the right way to go.and it sounds like you won't do that anyway. 

Making a unilateral decision like that, that affects the whole family, needs to be dealt with. You have valid concerns...especially about being able to afford a child. BUT...you haven't, IIRC, mentioned WHY your wife wants a baby...right now...so badly.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

I live in Deep South. You can get 50/50 custody. When discussing another child, the one that says no wins. Anything other than 2 yes, means no.

Be happy with the 5 month drought. She will conveniently accidentally forget to take the BC. 

Tell her if you have a third child, you will quit and become a SAHD and she will have to get a second job to cover. Because you are already maxed on time and she will have to cover the extra time demand all herself.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

You both work so why should she do the cleaning? Because she is a woman? You both should be cleaning but a clean house isn't as important to her as it is to you so you can continue to clean (and don't complain) or hire someone. As for the third child, a child needs to be wanted by both parents so she needs to accept that you don't want another child. I wanted a third child, my husband didn't so we only has two children. I didn't have a tantrum or leave, I was grateful for our two children. That's what your needs to be. 

Why does your wife want a third baby? She isn't even home to raise it. She wants a baby but doesn't want to stay home to take care of the baby. She would rather work and have a stranger in daycare raise it. A baby needs to be with it's Mom. Point that out to her as another reason you two shouldn't have another baby.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Happilymarried25 said:


> You both work so why should she do the cleaning? Because she is a woman? You both should be cleaning but a clean house isn't as important to her as it is to you so you can continue to clean (and don't complain)


OP did not say she should do all the cleaning *because she is a woman.* He said she never does any of it, plus she leaves HER mess for him to clean up. So, for example, if she leaves her dirty panties on the kitchen floor, OP should either pick them up (and not complain) or hire someone to pick it up? Jeez.

Not dusting is one thing, and general cleaning can be hired out if extra money allows, which does not seem to be the case here. Leaving dirty dishes and clothes (my words) all over the house for OP to pick up is another thing.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What does your wife do around the house?

What is she doing while you're doing the housework?

BTW, at the time, it seems like raising kids lasts forever. If you do a good job raising them, you will wish you had a third when that last one is gone and your nest is empty.

Why are you in a sexless marriage at present?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> So all of that is more important than your principles?
> 
> Your problems are larger than your relationship.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


Yet, here you find yourself, adrift in your relationship, poor communication with your wife, and clearly lacking direction.

Who has the wheel?

Meh, I hope the folks here give you guidance that you will accept, brother. Regards.

(Going to find my way to 2016...is that the right year?)

:surprise:


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

From your thread you are a great wife to her. Get the vasectomy.


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

Hmmm. Sounds very unbalanced. I say get the vasectomy. You already have two kids, why does she need more? It's not a doll collection, damn. I think you need to put your foot down eventually, a lot more often, and about a lot more that the "I want another baby" issue.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Ok, get the vasectomy. It's the smart thing to do. Very simple.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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