# Fear



## Sotired2019 (Jun 22, 2019)

I have been married a long time. I love my husband but not like I used to. It seems the older he gets the meaner and smart ***. He is. He doesn’t have a good relationship with my kids who are 20 and 24 because he is so negative. I feel like it’s time to end this toxic relationship but I’m afraid. He is not physically abusive or a drunk. I have had my suspicions this year about him doing some type of illegal substance and bought a drug test for him and it let to a huge fight. He is a truck driver and I know they drug test so it can’t be anything bad. However back to my fear. I am not afraid of being alone. I am afraid that I can’t make it on my own. I have been with him since I was 17 years old. I don’t get paid a lot of money but I have a great job. I am to the age where I don’t want to fight anymore. I know what needs to be done especially when my children encourage it. How do I overcome this fear and help myself?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

If you are in the U.S., the government has programs to help single parent families. They will even help you to get retrained or find you housing. That's a start. 

It's pretty likely your husband is suffering from serious depression. He needs to talk with a counselor. Do with that what you wish.

Edit: Your fear is from simply not knowing what your choices are. Go and work on finding out what you can do. The fear will go away or at least, lessen in severity.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sorry you are here, Hear?

This is a critical spot you are in. You are standing on a tiny patch of land, a land that you do not own.
Own?

Owning means having with no fear of losing, that which you own.
You have that fear, an onerous fear, indeed.

Money is very often, that limiting factor for most who live out their lives, here.

Do you have family that you could rely on?
Or close friends that can put you up for...... for some short time?

Who can you turn to for help, for support?

Do you have assets, can you pay rent, can you pay rent and feed yourself? 
Can you move in with a friend and each pay something affordable?

In short, with respect to some long term plan, who can you turn to for help?

You may have to get another job, or another part time job to survive.

File for divorce, get your head straight. 
Be happy.

Yes, that.





[THM]- Lilith


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Fear of the unknown will keep you there if you don't make yourself break free. Put together a plan of what needs to be done and start working on it one small step at a time. 

Don't be surprised if your husband tries very hard to keep you. He likely doesn't want his life disrupted so be ready for that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Counselling might help you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You can rent a room with another woman in a similar situation who needs extra income. You can follow Dave Ramsey and that will allow you to live on any budget. You can do it!


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Start investigating what it will really take to live on your own. Make a budget. If you do have a job that's above minimum wage, you should be able to make it if you don't have expensive tastes. Like someone suggested, a roommate situation can work out well if necessary. Then talk to a divorce attorney. You can get a free consultation. If you have been with him since you were 17 he will almost certainly have to pay some alimony if he makes significantly more than you.

I assume you've talked to him about his moods/treatment of you and others and he doesn't care. But if you haven't, try that, if he used to be sweet and kind, maybe there is a reason (like depression) that can be resolved. Though I suspect it's more a matter of you were naive and more tolerant of mistreatment at 17 than you are now, and he was more careful to hide his dark side, than that he really changed that much.

Think - how do I want to spend the rest of my life? I personally would rather live in a dump in peace than in a nice place with an *******. Good luck.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

You took a vow and made a commitment. 
You need to try counseling before any filing occurs.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

StillSearching said:


> You took a vow and made a commitment.
> You need to try counseling before any filing occurs.


No she doesnt. She doesnt have to do anything she doesnt want to do. I find it unlikely he would agree to it anyway.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> No she doesnt. She doesnt have to do anything she doesnt want to do. *I find it unlikely he would agree to it anyway*.


Speculation
What has the guy actually done to circumvent her vows? except be negative.....
"He is not physically abusive or a drunk"


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Sotired2019 said:


> I have been married a long time. I love my husband but not like I used to. It seems the older he gets the meaner and smart ***. He is. He doesn’t have a good relationship with my kids who are 20 and 24 because he is so negative. I feel like it’s time to end this toxic relationship but I’m afraid. He is not physically abusive or a drunk. I have had my suspicions this year about him doing some type of illegal substance and bought a drug test for him and it let to a huge fight. He is a truck driver and I know they drug test so it can’t be anything bad. However back to my fear. I am not afraid of being alone. I am afraid that I can’t make it on my own. I have been with him since I was 17 years old. I don’t get paid a lot of money but I have a great job. I am to the age where I don’t want to fight anymore. I know what needs to be done especially when my children encourage it. How do I overcome this fear and help myself?


How long have you been married?
These are not his kids?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

StillSearching said:


> Speculation
> What has the guy actually done to circumvent her vows? except be negative.....
> "He is not physically abusive or a drunk"


Her post was not that detailed, but marriage vows don't say all the man has to do is "not get drunk and not beat her" They say to honor and cherish. To make the spouse the most important person. It sounds like he IS circumventing the marriage vows and has been for a long time. The fact that his own adult children are telling her to stop putting up with it speaks volumes to me.

If she really hasn't done anything to let him know how unhappy she is then I agree with you she should at least give him a chance. But if she's been trying for years, at some point you have to choose yourself. Marriage vows should not be a sentence to lifelong misery.


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