# My husband and I had a talk. I guess, there is no hope after all.



## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

I woke up on new year's eve morning and could not stop crying. My H asked what's wrong and all I could say was " I don't know how to fix this marriage, I don't know how to fix myself." 
That morning, we talked for hours. We went back to our dating, early marriage years and mistake we both made. I admitted all wrong doings, so did he. He actually agreed about things he never did before. I mentioned how safe I was with him after growing up in alcoholic family and then in my own abusive marriage. We both cried after all. 
He told me he feels that I want to leave. I said I want to love him but I don't know how to make myself to feel what I felt before. I said I still love him but it is different kind of love and asking him to help me to fall for him again seems very selfish.

He asked me if he can trust me, if there will be nobody ever.
I told him - he can't. I could not tell him he can trust me because I know what he does not. He said that if I leave him now - it will hurt him a lot less than pain he would feel if I ever cheated on him. He said he could not deal with it.

And there it was - my answer for all of it. I guess, there is no way back for us. My chest is hurting by knowing what I have done already.
Since that moment, I could not stop crying. No matter what we did to each other before, it is me who killed this marriage and he did not deserve it at all. 

I feel completely lost. I want him to be happy but if I stay and work on our marriage - it will be a lie - without telling him what I have done. 
By telling him the truth - I will hurt him more than when I leave without saying it.

When I look at my husband, when I imagine divorce - it feels like something died. There is this terrible emptiness. I wish I could take all of his pain off of his mind and carry it, because he does not deserve it. 

Is there anything I can do at this point?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You won't find the answers within. Read 'Getting the love you want' by Hendrix. At this point you really have nothing left to lose, you have to decide to grow or stagnate forever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

If you want to stay with him and work on the marriage he needs to know, as you are aware. 

But leaving him after you have cheated but before he knows you cheated is not to save him pain. It is all for you. 

You won't stay to work on the marriage because you know it would be a waste because you don't want to tell him you cheated. So you have taken his comment about it hurting less if you leave before cheating and warped it to fit your needs. 

Do you want to stay married or not?


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## blackdog (Dec 18, 2013)

About the only advice I have is to seek help from a mental health clinic. My wife and I start MC next week. I am in a mental health centre about once a month at the same time. Even though I usually do not feel that I require help from the centre, it still gives me support and hope for our marriage.

You may have answered your own question when you said, "I don't know how to fix myself." In my opinion you have the right idea by fixing yourself first.

I wish you the best of luck whatever path you take.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

You camment that you love your H but not as before.
Please remember that our feelings of what love is for our partner DO change as you live and grow.
Consider this. In the early days it was an excitment, the first sexual thrill of chasing or being chased. Then as you move on it changes to a deeper less intense feeling however, it is still a love that carries differing emotions.

You have, from what I see here already set part of your mind on wanting some kind of other relationship with the unknown partner.
Consider this what exactly are you missing now, the love, the thrill , the excitment, the freedom to have other partners etc?

Look at some councilling it may help clear the haze of "wants" that are in your minds eye.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> I said I want to love him but I don't know how to make myself to feel what I felt before. I said I still love him but it is different kind of love...
> 
> He said that if I leave him now - it will hurt him a lot less than pain he would feel if I ever cheated on him. He said he could not deal with it.


Trust me. He'll get over the cheating WAY faster than he will, 20 years from now, when he decides he wants a woman who loves him but it's too late.

Leave him for HIM. I wish my wife did 15 years ago. But she chose to stay for "safe" too. But now I'm 50+ and trapped. I will never experience kissing a woman who wants to kiss me again. Never. Please don't do that to him. You want to make this all right? Leave.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I just visited your profile. Didn't read any of your threads. The titles alone were enough. Please get out of that mess. And give him a list of everything he did wrong that is causing you to leave. You don't even need to tell him about the affair. He'll be crushed, but he'll be fixed (or have the incentive to get fixed). You leave him, you fix two people: Him and you. You stay, you both die miserable.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Don't keep starting new threads since you have one essential story.

I suggest you summarize the most important parts into one introduction stay with that.

But as another poster said all the thread titles are alarming.

OM has ED. Funny. Why cheat with someone who is impotent?

Pull youself together first of all.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> Don't keep starting new threads since you have one essential story.
> 
> I suggest you summarize the most important parts into one introduction stay with that.
> 
> ...


Why cheat with someone who is impotent? Because sex was not what I was looking for. I missed emotional intimacy.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> No matter what we did to each other before, it is me who killed this marriage and he did not deserve it at all.
> 
> Is there anything I can do at this point?


If this is how you feel, there is a very important thing you can do at this point. Divorce him and be fair in the settlement. Don't take things from him because the law says you can. Do the right thing.


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## thegreenfairy (Jan 2, 2014)

the crushing feelings and the crying is because you are going through the stages of grief and loss.....noone ever gets married to end up divorced...you are grieving for the love you once had and for the marriage...its a natural human reaction.....leave for yourself and your husband and noone else...the grass is never greener


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## RAN (Oct 14, 2012)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> Why cheat with someone who is impotent? Because sex was not what I was looking for. I missed emotional intimacy.


If you didn't get the Emotional Intimacy from your H you should have divorced & looked elsewhere.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Tell him about the cheating. Write your H a timeline of the cheating relationship. 

You can't love your H, because you have built a wall with the cheating. You magnify your H's faults to justify your actions. You will not grow closer to your H with lies and continued betrayal. 

Tell him and deal with what you did. Tear down your wall and set your H free. How would you feel if he had an affair? Did you use protection? Have you been tested for stds? 

Go to counseling and work on yourself. This is not a good way to live, continuing to lie and deceive.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> I woke up on new year's eve morning and could not stop crying. My H asked what's wrong and all I could say was " I don't know how to fix this marriage, I don't know how to fix myself."
> That morning, we talked for hours. We went back to our dating, early marriage years and mistake we both made. I admitted all wrong doings, so did he. He actually agreed about things he never did before. I mentioned how safe I was with him after growing up in alcoholic family and then in my own abusive marriage. We both cried after all.
> He told me he feels that I want to leave. I said I want to love him but I don't know how to make myself to feel what I felt before. I said I still love him but it is different kind of love and asking him to help me to fall for him again seems very selfish.
> 
> ...


you know EXACTLY what you need to do. your feeling guilty right? so TELL him. make the decision that you are going to make yourself a better person, a strong person.

to be honest, i kinda get the feeling that you have trouble telling your husband how you feel, and setting barriers. now i know your goal was never to hurt him, but you did something that YOU are not OK with. if you dont tell him, its just going to eat at you for the rest of your life. the constant feeling of guilt will eat at you and will drive you away. it will crush you.

you may already be there, but the guilt hanging over your head will keep you from ever being a strong person, one that is to be respected, admired, and loved.

do yourself a favor and face your demons. 
the alternative is to drown in your own shame and guilt.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

She said learning about the cheating will kill him. So settle this without telling him. 

"Honey. I don't love you any more. I never will again. I need to leave so BOTH OF US can be happy again."

Then leave.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> I woke up on new year's eve morning and could not stop crying. My H asked what's wrong and all I could say was " I don't know how to fix this marriage, I don't know how to fix myself."
> That morning, we talked for hours. We went back to our dating, early marriage years and mistake we both made. *I admitted all wrong doings,* so did he. He actually agreed about things he never did before. I mentioned how safe I was with him after growing up in alcoholic family and then in my own abusive marriage. We both cried after all.
> He told me he feels that I want to leave. I said I want to love him but I don't know how to make myself to feel what I felt before. I said I still love him but it is different kind of love and asking him to help me to fall for him again seems very selfish.
> 
> ...


You are still not being honest with your husband, and it appears you're not being honest with yourself. You say you want to love him, but you've taken the love you should be giving him and you're giving it to someone else. Your own actions are killing the love for your husband that you claim to want.



AwfullyGuilty said:


> Is there anything I can do at this point?


Stop the affair. Tell your husband the truth. Seek psychiatric help.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Agree with mr k.

You will destroy his heart either way.
Dont take down his ego too by telling about the cheating. Just divorce and be fair, hell do it thru mediation and save the assets for yourselves. I knew a couple that spent 60k on lawyers fighting over 100k of stuff. The 40k of stuff left was not liquid assets.

Imho from what i saw. He half knows it anyway. Why crush him further.

Edit: ack read her first thread. Dont tell him for sure. Wow two real winners in your life. Get your head on straight before you get involved again.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow, this has been going on a LONG time. Do the poor man a favor and divorce him.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

I talked to 3 different people. My best friend, my IC therapist I was seeing when I was depressed about 3 years ago and our marriage counselor. Two of them know my husband but non of them said - go and tell him. It was actually first thing I wanted to do right after it happened. They said it will just destroy his ego, his self-esteem, everything. My IC thinks it is something only I have to pay for - with guilt, etc. I am very confused at this point and he is too. Couple minutes ago, I was listening a song called " I can see clearly now when rain is gone" from Johnny Nash because it calms me down when I feel bad. And my H asked me if I am doing that to him on purpose, if I am telling him something with it. I said no and why he thinks that. And then I got mad because of the way he blamed me for something I was no aware of and did not mean bad and told him so in louder voice. Then he asked me if I am out of my f....ng mind. And I got upset because of him telling that what he did before - I am f...ed up, name calling, etc, was part of our problem we should work on and sullenly it was back for little thing. I hate music he listens - techno music but I never react to it that way. After this conflict, he put it on and you could hear it in our whole house just to make me mad. I just cried because I am tired.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> If you want to stay with him and work on the marriage he needs to know, as you are aware.
> 
> But leaving him after you have cheated but before he knows you cheated is not to save him pain. It is all for you.
> 
> ...


At this point, I honestly don't know if I want to stay. I was with him since I was 17 and it is very hard to imagine our life apart even thought there were so much hurt between us long time ago. When I should do something about it- was before my affair- when things were really bad but instead of working on it and setting my boundaries about emotional/physical abuse - I did nothing and stupidly hoped that maybe one day someone will come along and "save me". How stupid was that??? Hoping that I will fall for someone who will love me same way and give me strength to leave?


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

blackdog said:


> About the only advice I have is to seek help from a mental health clinic. My wife and I start MC next week. I am in a mental health centre about once a month at the same time. Even though I usually do not feel that I require help from the centre, it still gives me support and hope for our marriage.
> 
> You may have answered your own question when you said, "I don't know how to fix myself." In my opinion you have the right idea by fixing yourself first.
> 
> I wish you the best of luck whatever path you take.


We were doing MC for about one year. It is just me now and it is more like IC than MC anymore. When I did IC before, my husband thought I was crazy because he did not believe I was depressed. He thought of me as hypochondriac. 

When I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism later on, he did not believe that neither. He thought I just wanted something so bad that I somehow caused it to prove my point. Each time I read self-help book or listen to "too good to leave, to bad to stay" book, he said I am just crazy pretty much. Also when I was trying to work on loving myself. He just laughed at me.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

MrAvg said:


> Her tears are not for him but for herself and the guilt and undeserved self pity. She is still all about herself.
> 
> She is crying because she can not feel strong enough to show the man she once loved that she not only does not love him. She will not or can not show true remorse to him.
> 
> I pity her and I feel sorry for her betrayed husband who at some point will learn and go through extreme pain. Lets hope he has divorced her. Maybe her tears and crying are for what she may lose material wise if she admits the cheating before they divorce.


MrAvg, whatever material wise is not worth it. We both worked hard on what we have now. There are people who give up on marriage when first problem arrives. I did not. I stayed in our marriage for 11 years. My cheating is something I am responsible for. I know if this marriage falls apart - it will be because of me.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> You are still not being honest with your husband, and it appears you're not being honest with yourself. You say you want to love him, but you've taken the love you should be giving him and you're giving it to someone else. Your own actions are killing the love for your husband that you claim to want.
> 
> 
> 
> Stop the affair. Tell your husband the truth. Seek psychiatric help.


There is no affair anymore. It was just a game for OM, nothing else. Or I guess it was. I will never know.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

From your posting I'm uncertain if you are done with the marriage and unwilling to work on it, or if you want to all it off so you don't have you tell your husband about your EA. Which is it. If it's the affair. I would tell him and let him make the call. But if he chooses to work on the marriage, he will have to put in more effort than it appears he has in the past.

For me. I do not believe I could survive a PA, but if she came clean and was willing to work on the marriage. I could probably work through a EA. Of course never having been in that position, I don't know for sure what I would do.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Did he always doubt your self-perceptions? Did he ever have reason to? What you are telling me sounds like he can't handle problems and won't look at the hold of the marriage nor examine himself. If that is indeed the case and his response to you is to blame you for all of the problems or that you appreciate problem I don't think you have anywhere to go in the marriage.

What are the possibilities for separation and I mean separation where you are not living under the same roof?

I can't condone your cheating in any way. But at this point you're cheating isn't really the problem. So I would take it off the table for a while. The immediate issue is whether he is willing to accept the premise that if one partner as for pre she's a problem then there is a problem. If he can't accept that premise then separate and divorce. 

You know that there are problems that came before your cheating and there are problems that will calm as a result of your cheating. Without accepting the first part he will never be able to accept the second. 

If a chance he is willing to conceive it there a problem then discussing what you both are willing to do to address them would be next. And this is all talk at this point because you don't want to put in a position where you're making him work for something and then dump the cheating on him. That would just be mean and selfish in all that jazz.

So instead of trying to take all of this in one lump try to break the problem down into smaller pieces to pursue it that way. Because right now what I'm saying is insurmountable as a whole.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

AG, it sounds to me like you should ONLY tell him if you decide you want to fix the relationship, but if you do, it's likely that your relationship will end anyway. 

If you tell him, you'll need to be prepared to be completely transparent - let him put a keylogger on the computers and see ALL text messages, no deleting. What's on your phone should match what's on the bill. 

You should be prepared to take a lot of rage and blame before he will be able to consider how his emotional distance played a role. You'll have to do this without defensiveness. Not easy to do, but you'll have to simply acknowledge that you were wrong, unfair, unkind, etc. while drawing a line that refuses to let more harm to come to either of you (no name calling, for instance.) 

I would encourage you to find a different counselor, too. Her advice to not tell your husband would make sense if you're simply leaving, and I even agree with MrK that if you're going to go, then drop the matter. Once it's over, you have no obligations for his well-being. BUT... when you ARE still in relationship, you DO have that obligation. You betrayed it, and if you stay in the relationship AND stay silent, then you betray it again with every moment of silence.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> Did he always doubt your self-perceptions? Did he ever have reason to? What you are telling me sounds like he can't handle problems and won't look at the hold of the marriage nor examine himself. If that is indeed the case and his response to you is to blame you for all of the problems or that you appreciate problem I don't think you have anywhere to go in the marriage.
> 
> What are the possibilities for separation and I mean separation where you are not living under the same roof?
> 
> ...


You are right about breaking this problem into small pieces. If feels very overwhelming at this moment and since my affair. What I have to do first is - to get this OM out of my head. I wish I could forget he exists so bad but it hurts at the same time.

My husband always doubt any problem I told him about. I pretty much begged him 4-5 years ago to help me fall in love with him again, to be that man I felt in love before. For me, it was very hard thing to do on my own when he criticized or name called me everyday. Just like my MC said - what to love about that kind of treatment. 
He rejected me many times, he always said it is just me and my problem. He said he is happy and everything was always my fault. Well, until we started MC last year and he admitted his part. Then he admitted it in this talk we had a couple days ago.
I know he tries his best but I am not sure if it's not too late for me.
I am nice to him, I don't nag, I ask if he needs help, I do things for him without asking. I put blanket over him when he sleeps on the couch, I take his glasses if he forgets them on his face. I am trying. I am more polite and I stopped doing things he did not like about me. I know I changed for better but what I don't feel changing are my feelings for him.
Yes, I cannot imagine my life without him but at the same time - I don't see future. I don't plan things with him I use to did - house full of kids, their names, vacations together, buying new stuff together, doing projects, etc...I just don't. When I think about it - I feel empty. As if there was no joy in imagine getting old together.

When we are sexual - it is just sex - no real connection and after intercourse - I always cry. Those happy hormones are just tiers now. Why?

"What are the possibilities for separation?" Very limited. We live in foreign country for us. We have no family here. No one that close. I don't make enough money to stand on my own right now and ask him to leave would be very selfish. There was time when he was considering that on his own actually. 
I was thinking about that long time before and I mentioned it in our MC session. Our therapist said he would not recommend that because one of us may actually start to like that separate life. I know he was talking about me.

Anyway, I am reading a book called "Too good to leave, too bad to stay.." to help me to see things clearer. But I am afraid at this point - my "vision" is still blurred by affair. That's why I am afraid to jump to conclusion. I keep wondering if leaving would not be the biggest mistake of my life but at the same time looking before - 4-5 years ago - I was not happy at all and there was no other man at that time. I guess, I just have too many emotions in myself with guilt the biggest one.

I feel like time is something what pushes me as well. We are not getting any younger. I am in my early 30 and I want to have kids. I am afraid if I end this marriage, I lose my chance on having them. 
It feels very overwhelming right now.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> AG, it sounds to me like you should ONLY tell him if you decide you want to fix the relationship, but if you do, it's likely that your relationship will end anyway.
> 
> If you tell him, you'll need to be prepared to be completely transparent - let him put a keylogger on the computers and see ALL text messages, no deleting. What's on your phone should match what's on the bill.
> 
> ...


Yes, I would tell him only if I would stay. I don't want to hurt him more than I already did and if I leave, I don't want to take his self-esteem with me. Our therapist said that his ego would get hurt badly.
If I choose to stay and work on our marriage and forget any "what if's", I would have to tell him. I will lose him maybe or he will stay and make a little hell for me on this earth. I know I deserve it after all. 

My H was always jealous. Well, not much before but after other people would tell him that I am pretty and how did he find me, he became jealous. I always said something nice to him to make him feel better but it did not help.. I think they were just teasing him and instead of taking it as a joke or compliment to be glad to have a nice wife, he started to put me down, make fun of my legs, my fluffy butt, my face...anything pretty much. Always in jokingly way - but fun which hurt me and the way I looked at myself.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

I think he should start acting like a ******* and you'll quickly love him again, he's to weak and supplicating you like to be controlled.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> There is no affair anymore. It was just a game for OM, nothing else. Or I guess it was. I will never know.


Alpha F's,Beta bucks.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Hello AG,

I have read a number of your threads and also this entire one. A few observations:


You already know that the OM is a player and not relationship material - he literally filled a gap in your needs but was still a player none-the-less (what is remarkable is he is a player with ED!). His track record would have told you this were you thinking normally. Once you fix yourself you will very quickly not need him and maybe will find an honest good relationship which is what you deserve.
I think you also know that what you did was wrong and while the failing marriage may have been down to a number of things that your husband did, your cheating is completely yours to own and be sorry for (not just for your husbands sake but also your own).
Your husband will not die if you tell him - you need to tell him for several reasons. Firstly, because it is the right thing to do regardless of whether you stay or leave. Secondly, it will help you determine whether you stay or leave (especially his reaction - remember you have to be supportive but also firm on the fact that you have a failing/failed marriage).
Something has gone terribly wrong with your relationship and I do not believe that you or your husband know why exactly - just that things happened over the years. You cannot learn to fall in love with him again - what you both need to do is address your issues/fix yourselves before this can happen. He needs to be the best man he can be and you need to be the best you can be before you attract each other in the right way. In both cases your OM needs to be completely non existent and you both need to be completely honest and open with each other. This includes both of you acknowledging what you have done wrong and being truly remorseful for it.

I don't know your husband but you need to find out why he agreed with you that it is over - I think he needs a wake-up call, perhaps not as drastic as what you have done but lets hope that he sees fit to fight for you (if you are truly remorseful about the affair) and that both of you can make a go of it. What have you got to lose ? You were planning to split up anyway. Best of luck and I hope you both find happiness, love and peace.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

Quant said:


> I think he should start acting like a ******* and you'll quickly love him again, he's to weak and supplicating you like to be controlled.


"he's to weak and supplicating you like to be controlled" - what do you mean? This is more English meaning question. I still have a problem to understand some words since this language is my second.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> "he's to weak and supplicating you like to be controlled" - what do you mean? This is more English meaning question. I still have a problem to understand some words since this language is my second.


You like it when the man is in charge and doesn't act like he needs you more than you need him. So basically you want a man who could easily move on from you and find another woman if you acted up. You need a man who won't allow you to act up,by constantly being in charge and keeping you on your toes. You feel out of control when you are in control and unstable with your place in the relationship.

You lose respect for a man who will put up with your crap,instead of making you know there will be consequences for your actions. You fundamentally don't respect your husband,you love the idea of a nice man who is safe and nice but you don't love him as a sexual being. His weakness is his downfall, he should have never gave you a inch because you'll take a mile.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Quant said:


> You like it when the man is in charge and doesn't act like he needs you more than you need him. So basically you want a man who could easily move on from you and find another woman if you acted up. You need a man who won't allow you to act up,by constantly being in charge and keeping you on your toes. You feel out of control when you are in control and unstable with your place in the relationship.
> 
> You lose respect for a man who will put up with your crap,instead of making you know there will be consequences for your actions. You fundamentally don't respect your husband,you love the idea of a nice man who is safe and nice but you don't love him as a sexual being. His weakness is his downfall, he should have never gave you a inch because you'll take a mile.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

It looks like there are problems coming from both sides of the marriage. To fix it there will needs to be an effort from both of you to fix it and for the two of you to fall in love again. If only one of you is willing, it will NEVER work. 

Also. Do not stay in a bad marriage just because you want to have children and feel this is your best chance. There is nothing worse than bringing children into a bad marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Hey AG,

How are you doing ? Any updates ? Have you worked out what you are going to do ?

Take care.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Leaving him will be the greatest gift you could ever give him. Trust me on that. A man who recently discovered the love of his life, his life partner, his best friend, fell out of love with him a long, long, long time ago. It would have DESTROYED me then if she left. But I'd be with someone who loves me now. As it is, I'm now just a bitter old man with three kids in or about to enter college and NO reason to believe I will ever find someone else. And the last 15 or so years of my life have been a lie.

Selfish? Doing that to him is selfish. Just make sure you give him a nice long list of the reasons you are leaving him. Half of that list will have been fixed before he ever starts reading it. He knows what he's doing wrong. There are just never any negative consequences to his actions. Once that door slams behind you, his DNA will change forever.

I've never been so sure of anything in my life. I was your husband. You are my wife. You have time to change both of you. It's too late for me.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> I woke up on new year's eve morning and could not stop crying. My H asked what's wrong and all I could say was " I don't know how to fix this marriage, I don't know how to fix myself."
> That morning, we talked for hours. We went back to our dating, early marriage years and mistake we both made. I admitted all wrong doings, so did he. He actually agreed about things he never did before. I mentioned how safe I was with him after growing up in alcoholic family and then in my own abusive marriage. We both cried after all.
> He told me he feels that I want to leave. I said I want to love him but I don't know how to make myself to feel what I felt before. I said I still love him but it is different kind of love and asking him to help me to fall for him again seems very selfish.
> 
> ...


Your counselor is a waste. He/she is all about making you feel good. Taking the easy choices.

I am surprised that you as an adult. Does not know that the easy choices are the worst ones to take.

Unfortunately many people that post advice here seem to do so for a hobby rather then having been a WS or a BS with the knowledge to share.

78% marriages survive an affair. That means there is no divorce. Many a BS has said the famous words I'm done if you every cheat on me. Yet most stay otherwise 78% more people would be divorced.

Not only can people stay together after an affair. They can learn to have a better marriage post affair then pre.

Not telling your BH about the affair is not being kind to him. It is you being kind to yourself. You leave your BH without telling him the truth you condemn him to blame himself for the rest of his life that the marriage failed because of him.

You by not telling your BH about the affair is making you a triple cheater. You cheated your BH by banging your OM. Then you are cheating your BH out of the truth. Which then cheats your BH out of him making the decision as to whether he wants to recover his marriage or not.

You want to learn about affairs and recovery then get yourself the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

Time to put your big girl pants on and man up.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

78% survive? Survive or thrive?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Not saying she shouldn't do her best to see this through. But that number seems crazy given 50% of marriages fail.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

MrK said:


> Leaving him will be the greatest gift you could ever give him. Trust me on that. A man who recently discovered the love of his life, his life partner, his best friend, fell out of love with him a long, long, long time ago. It would have DESTROYED me then if she left. But I'd be with someone who loves me now. As it is, I'm now just a bitter old man with three kids in or about to enter college and NO reason to believe I will ever find someone else. And the last 15 or so years of my life have been a lie.
> 
> Selfish? Doing that to him is selfish. Just make sure you give him a nice long list of the reasons you are leaving him. Half of that list will have been fixed before he ever starts reading it. He knows what he's doing wrong. There are just never any negative consequences to his actions. Once that door slams behind you, his DNA will change forever.
> 
> I've never been so sure of anything in my life. I was your husband. You are my wife. You have time to change both of you. It's too late for me.


MRK, This is for you...
"It's never too late - never too late to start over, never too late to be happy." Why would you give up?


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

I am not sure if my MC is such a waste. He is highly qualify and religiously oriented person. I talked to two different therapists about it plus my best friend.

My first reaction was to tell him. MC told me to think about it first. He told me to let go of past because I could not forget what my husband did to me in past. He said I have to forgive him and myself as well. I should think of what love means to me and what I have learn after all. He said I need to be sure I won't do the same mistake again. 
There is no excuse for what I did, I know that. It was very selfish and it's only my fault. My husband knows exactly what went wrong in our marriage and when I will be sure I want to stay, I will tell him.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

You say you don't think you could love him again, but don't want to leave. Is that because your scared to say you want out, or you really want to try. Looks like the first to me. But Weather you stay or go, you have to tell him about the affair. 

Do you know why you had the affair? What emotional need did the OM meet that your husband did not?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> You say you don't think you could love him again, but don't want to leave. Is that because your scared to say you want out, or you really want to try. Looks like the first to me. But Weather you stay or go, you have to tell him about the affair.
> 
> Do you know why you had the affair? What emotional need did the OM meet that your husband did not?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think it's both. I still don't want to give up bc we stayed together for almost 15 years altogether. I just can't imagine not have him in my life at all. I know, selfish. I do love him but it is not that kind of love as it use to be. I don't expect him to do crazy romantic stuff - bc that's what movies are for, but I want to feel special in his eyes.

I had that affair because I missed that connection. I missed wanting to love and to be loved. To be wanted. Both of those men gave me attention and made me feel more than just a maid or cook. My husband hardly compliments me. When I actually look good, he gets all insecure and jealous. But he loves to point out my flaws. I don't wear skirts bc he always made fun of the shape of my legs. Each time I did positive change in my appearance, he was more insecure. 
And then, you meet a guy who keeps telling you how beautiful you are and you fall for that. Maybe I like that "being in love' feeling and that I wanted actually spend time with them, laugh together, and talk.

My husband and I hardly laugh, there is so little fun in our relationship. We don't smile at each other. It makes me sad but I am happy person in general. It was not always like that. But I changed for better while he is more negative than he was before. We fight a lot lately. He makes lots of money decisions without considering my opinions and when I tell him, he shifts blame on me. Then we yell at each other and he tells me that I am very blind and can't see anything. I am just very tired at this point. I don't want to give up and I want to love him but at the same time I wonder - what to love and how.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

I haven't seen all of your posts, but there is a recurring theme in these kinds of threads: the husband represents someone you are ATTACHED to and the OM represents someone whom you DESIRE.

It is simply not possible to make a marriage work based on attachment only. The foundation is not strong enough to survive the inevitable shocks which come along. In your previous post, you've just made that clear.

A lot of people are saying to leave your husband in order to allow him a chance to find someone who is not only ATTACHED to him but who is IN LOVE with him and therefore DESIRES him. 

I hope you do not take offence, but this really seems to be the best thing to do, for both of you.


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