# RD Spouses



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

As responsive desire is often discussed here, I thought it might be interesting to start a POSITIVE thread on the subject. That is, if your spouse has RD, what steps, actions, attitudes, changes, or adjustments have you personally made that have caused a net improvement in your sexual relationship with your spouse? Acceptance is one criterion, but a lot of people seem to equate acceptance with giving up. From a positive perspective, once you accepted that your spouse is RD and that his or her lack of initiation was not really a rejection of you sexually, what have you done to accommodate the RD aspects of your relationship?

It would be great to hear from RD spouses, in particular. That is, if you're RD, what would you say to your spouse about his or her approach to you that you hope would improve your relationship? What can he or she say or do that motivates you to have sex? What can he or she say or do that turns you off about sex? And, if you're RD, are you really RD, or are you sexually accommodating of your spouse because that's what you're "supposed" to do?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Better orgasms help motivate the RD spouse as then they have more to look forward to to help get juices flowing. RD combined with low orgasm or low quality doesn't really make the RD want to let it get started when during a period that is non-stimulated.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> Better orgasms help motivate the RD spouse as then they have more to look forward to to help get juices flowing. RD combined with low orgasm or low quality doesn't really make the RD want to let it get started when during a period that is non-stimulated.


How good do the orgasms have to be to motivate an RD to initiate? How many are required? Three? Six?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sfort said:


> How good do the orgasms have to be to motivate an RD to initiate? How many are required? Three? Six?


I think where many RD or women in general have trouble is that the orgasms are not there at all or it's a jackrabbit vibrator that basically just overloads the clitoris in 10 secs. Somewhat pleasant but low quality.

When you say how many are required. I know I'm pretty motivated as long as 50% of the time we have sex I have a nice 5-10 quality orgasm. This means I end up looking forward and I may actually initiate in the next 24 hours. After 24 hours my body and mind has calmed down so then it's back to having to heat up before I feel aroused.

Women bring some of this on themselves as many fake orgasms so their SO doesn't feel bad but it doesn't motivate.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> I think where many RD or women in general have trouble is that the orgasms are not there at all or it's a jackrabbit vibrator that basically just overloads the clitoris in 10 secs. Somewhat pleasant but low quality.
> 
> When you say how many are required. I know I'm pretty motivated as long as 50% of the time we have sex I have a nice 5-10 quality orgasm. This means I end up looking forward and I may actually initiate in the next 24 hours. After 24 hours my body and mind has calmed down so then it's back to having to heat up before I feel aroused.
> 
> Women bring some of this on themselves as many fake orgasms so their SO doesn't feel bad but it doesn't motivate.


5 -10? 😳


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Torninhalf said:


> 5 -10?


Not number of orgasms; she’s talking about one orgasm with the quality of that orgasm being a 5-10 on a scale of 10.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Girl_power said:


> Not number of orgasms; she’s talking about one orgasm with the quality of that orgasm being a 5-10 on a scale of 10.


Exactly. And I'm ok if that is only 50% of the time.

Typical man kinda or expects an orgasm 100% of the time.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> Not number of orgasms; she’s talking about one orgasm with the quality of that orgasm being a 5-10 on a scale of 10.


Ahhhh…I missed the word quality. Thanks!


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> Exactly. And I'm ok if that is only 50% of the time.
> 
> Typical man kinda or expects an orgasm 100% of the time.


I can’t agree more with this. If I’m not having orgasms regularly I’m sure as hell won’t be interested in having sex.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

And 50% is not too much to ask for.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Typical man kinda or expects an orgasm 100% of the time.


I don’t. 

One of the adaptations I made was to try and get my skill up in terms of using my hands during. My wife greatly prefers the vibrator but sometimes she really isn’t interested at all in trying, even when I’m doing my best.

So one adaptation I made is to just enjoy her when she’s not trying to have an orgasm and tell her how much she’s doing it for me in those cases. I still am working on my pelvis technique trying to get something going and based on where her “snail trail” to use a crude term is ending up on me I’m getting the action I’m going for but it doesn’t do it for her.

I’d say she’s 50%+ of the time wanting to have one and they sound good to me when she does but I haven’t asked her to rate on 1-10 scale which is probably for the best.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> And, if you're RD, are you really RD


This thread is really odd for me to read...


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ccpowerslave said:


> I don’t.
> 
> One of the adaptations I made was to try and get my skill up in terms of using my hands during. My wife greatly prefers the vibrator but sometimes she really isn’t interested at all in trying, even when I’m doing my best.
> 
> ...


Oh I'm not saying don't use a vibrator. I love my weVibe. But there is a different in a slow building, a vibration with motion and pressure and a apply something really strong and overwhelming. The really strong and overwhelming if it is in a void by itself isn't that satisfying. A good slow build whether it be vibrator, finger, tongue or penis is a much more satisfying orgasm. I do like penis but like many women I need more than just penis to orgasm.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Oh I'm not saying don't use a vibrator. I love my weVibe. But there is a different in a slow building, a vibration with motion and pressure and a apply something really strong and overwhelming. The really strong and overwhelming if it is in a void by itself isn't that satisfying. A good slow build whether it be vibrator, finger, tongue or penis is a much more satisfying orgasm. I do like penis but like many women I need more than just penis to orgasm.


I’m well aware of that one. My wife likes PIV from on top, or with the vibrator, or with hands. Without one of those things despite my best efforts it won’t happen. I’m ok with this as long as she is.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

My wife is RD. A few things have improved our sex lives. And don't get me wrong, I don't think either one of us would have said there was a problem in out sex lives, but it was worth the effort to make things better. Why not always strive for perfection?

Communication was by far the biggest thing. 

Through conversation I got my wife to understand how import sex is for me to connect with her emotionally. She also got me to understand that she likes sex, but also intimacy in other forms. Interestingly, doing more of those non-sexual intimacy things seemed to make her more interested in sex too. And honestly I love them too. 

I had my wife to read a few things about RD and SD and how to be better a rejecting my sexual advances when she just was interested. She better understood how I felt about the situation. It made her much more sensitive to my feelings. It also made her realize that she may be more interested than she realizes if she would just give it a chance.

Finally, I got her to talk more about what pleases her. I told her I didn't just want lots of sex, I wanted lots of quality sex. I wanted to maximize her pleasure so that the sex we do have would be more fulfilling for both of us and I hoped it would make her want more of it. And it did. For the longest time she just thought I should be a mind reader and I should know what she likes. Of course after all of our years together I can read her pretty well, but it worked much better when I got her to open up and talk about what she does and doesn't like.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Anastasia6 said:


> Better orgasms help motivate the RD spouse as then they have more to look forward to to help get juices flowing. RD combined with low orgasm or low quality doesn't really make the RD want to let it get started when during a period that is non-stimulated.


Yes and NO! From the male perspective of being with a RD woman, the man might think that the female orgasm should be compelled during every sexual act in order to promote more sex. 

Compelled Female Orgasm ≠ Good Sex
A Good Female Orgasm = Good Sex

So if the man takes responsibility for the female's pleasure and tries to insure that she has a good orgasm, this will likely result in failure. The man has to encourage the RD female on how to communicate and facilitate her sexual response when it happens. He should also allow her to communicate and facilitate nonsexual pleasures when it doesn't happen and shift towards emotional bonding and/or a one-sided experience that focuses on just his sexual pleasure. He should not force her pleasure.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

badsanta said:


> Yes and NO! From the male perspective of being with a RD woman, the man might think that the female orgasm should be compelled during every sexual act in order to promote more sex.
> 
> Compelled Female Orgasm ≠ Good Sex
> A Good Female Orgasm = Good Sex
> ...


No one said force. But as a RD woman I can tell you that I do want pleasure. I also expect my partner to be the source of that pleasure otherwise I might as well just do myself what would I need a man for.

Don't confuse RD with low drive or no drive. Those are two different things. I understand sometime they reside in the same woman. I think one can easily lead to the other but they simply aren't the same. 

Good sex = wanting more sex, or being able to imagine more sex at non sexual times and getting aroused. This is helpful for all women but also us RD women, I start to respond to the memory.

Bonding sex without real pleasure. Well women bond with emotion and talking. So we don't need sex to bond. This is the big disconnect I think in many marriages. Women bond in a different way then men bond. This causes hurt feelings on both sides.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

badsanta said:


> Yes and NO! From the male perspective of being with a RD woman, the man might think that the female orgasm should be compelled during every sexual act in order to promote more sex.
> 
> Compelled Female Orgasm ≠ Good Sex
> A Good Female Orgasm = Good Sex
> ...


I agree. At one point I made the mistake of focusing too much on giving my wife an orgasm. Of course I want to, but making it a goal or, worse yet, making it the main metric for a successful sexual encounter did not make things any better. The one positive that came out of it was it got my wife and I talking very directly about orgasms. She made it clear that she doesn't care if she doesn't have an orgasm with every sexual encounter. Orgasms are great, but it isn't the only thing she likes about sex with me. She very much prefers if we just stay in the moment, enjoying each other, not worrying about anything, including orgasms.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I do agree if there was some oversized focus on my orgasm that would make it weird. I know I also have trouble getting out of my head and I'm self conscious about the amount of time and effort it can sometimes take.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> I do agree if there was some oversized focus on my orgasm that would make it weird. I know I also have trouble getting out of my head and I'm self conscious about the amount of time and effort it can sometimes take.


Quite often your own mind is your worst enemy when it comes to these things.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sfort said:


> As responsive desire is often discussed here, I thought it might be interesting to start a POSITIVE thread on the subject. That is, if your spouse has RD, what steps, actions, attitudes, changes, or adjustments have you personally made that have caused a net improvement in your sexual relationship with your spouse? Acceptance is one criterion, but a lot of people seem to equate acceptance with giving up. From a positive perspective, once you accepted that your spouse is RD and that his or her lack of initiation was not really a rejection of you sexually, what have you done to accommodate the RD aspects of your relationship?
> 
> It would be great to hear from RD spouses, in particular. That is, if you're RD, what would you say to your spouse about his or her approach to you that you hope would improve your relationship? What can he or she say or do that motivates you to have sex? What can he or she say or do that turns you off about sex? And, if you're RD, are you really RD, or are you sexually accommodating of your spouse because that's what you're "supposed" to do?


Sfort. I just realized that I didn't answer your question about am I really RD.

I really am. I always feel the need to speak out on RD threads as I don't think it is very well understood. I believe that I'm RD. If I don't have sex for a day or 2 I could literally go for the rest of my life without sex. 

My body just turns off. My mind is usually racing with other thoughts. I think about my job, what food I need to buy, cook, eat. When I should exercise, how will I do those things in respect to my husbands schedule so we can spend time together. How to get my hobby going, keep things alive. What about the garden. How to restore my biome. When will we retire. Will we have enough money, how much is enough, will the government change the tax structure or confiscate some of my 401k. and it goes on and on didn't even touch on my daughter or home ... or the actually issues at my job.

So years ago my husband's idea of initiating sex was waiting til we were lying in bed (usually after we had been for many minutes) he'd reach over and rub my shoulder. It didn't really dawn on me that this was him trying to see if sex was on the table. Since I'm RD and that wasn't sexual I didn't get the hint and wasn't turned on. I don't remember how much sex we had. I'm sure he would have liked more and if he were a different personality type he might have been on here complaining. I don't know. I caWn also say that orgasms were hit or miss. He has always been a generous lover but we didn't always communicate, still could communicate better. At that time I probably would have been described as low drive. I enjoyed sex enough but it was something I did often for my husband and enjoyed it well enough. I was never resentful or anything. I also didn't sit around and think about sex. I didn't initiate much but did participate.

Many years ago now. I got more aggressive with communication and he joined in like a champ. I started to understand sex and myself a lot more. I'm still RD. I could go forever without sex and be ok. I also now understand I'm more of an afternoon kind of girl. So before I might even have something he does that makes me get a little interested but I'd be like just put that on the back burner til evening (cause you know sex is at night after the lights go out). Well what if the burner isn't on then you are just letting the whole thing cool off and not happen. With communication we have added toys and things to the mix and now I have really good orgasms fairly regularly. Now when I think about sex I can look forward to that I can anticipate and it helps turn my body on. Often times my mind and body don't turn on until there is actual rubbing or teasing or something like that. Doesn't mean I don't enjoy sex. And now that I understand things better and there are better O's I have realized I stay turned on for about 1 day. So then I may strike while the iron is hot and initiate. Now that 2 day streak can be stretched for days and days. I also stay more turned on with more frequent sex. There are plenty of times I initiate 3 times a day. BUT if a day or two goes by. Well light is out, brain is on something else I could go forever........

Now that I understand more about things I also use that understanding to help myself and my husband but it was years in the making before I understood about responsive desire. I also thought well I'm not turned on I don't really want sex...... My hubby is fortunate that I'm an act of service love language and he is a natural act of service kind of guy so dishes really do turn me on. Yard work and such. Fixing things all turn ons. That's helpful. I always laugh when TAM tells men dishes won't get you sex. Cause around here it can. Acts of service are such a turn on for me. I don't have a big fancy diamond. We didn't have a big wedding. He doesn't send me flowers. AND I don't care.
He makes me coffee. He loves me. He's good in bed.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sfort said:


> How good do the orgasms have to be to motivate an RD to initiate? How many are required? Three? Six?


RD may never initiate. I know I actually initiate now a lot. When I was younger and had less understanding about my sexuality I don't know how many times I initiated.

Responsive specifically for me means it is possible I'm not turned on until there is a finger in my vagina or rubbing my clitoris. I don't want to be so graphic but as 'pleasant' as a breast rub or something might be I don't necessarily respond to that sexually. Sometimes I do sometimes it is just nice to be wanted.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Sfort said:


> As responsive desire is often discussed here, I thought it might be interesting to start a POSITIVE thread on the subject. That is, if your spouse has RD, what steps, actions, attitudes, changes, or adjustments have you personally made that have caused a net improvement in your sexual relationship with your spouse? Acceptance is one criterion, but a lot of people seem to equate acceptance with giving up. From a positive perspective, once you accepted that your spouse is RD and that his or her lack of initiation was not really a rejection of you sexually, what have you done to accommodate the RD aspects of your relationship?
> 
> It would be great to hear from RD spouses, in particular. That is, if you're RD, what would you say to your spouse about his or her approach to you that you hope would improve your relationship? What can he or she say or do that motivates you to have sex? What can he or she say or do that turns you off about sex? And, if you're RD, are you really RD, or are you sexually accommodating of your spouse because that's what you're "supposed" to do?


What is definition of Reactive Desire?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Plant the seed for night time sex early in the day. No surprises. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

farsidejunky said:


> Plant the seed for night time sex early in the day. No surprises.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


Great article on the subject:









Responsive vs spontaneous desire - Uncovering Intimacy


Yesterday I wrote about arousal non-concordance and how sometimes our body’s arousal doesn’t match up with our mind’s arousal. How it can be that your mind might want sex, but your body isn’t ready. Or the opposite can happen. Unfortunately, this confuses a lot of women




www.uncoveringintimacy.com


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> RD may never initiate. I know I actually initiate now a lot. When I was younger and had less understanding about my sexuality I don't know how many times I initiated.
> 
> Responsive specifically for me means it is possible I'm not turned on until there is a finger in my vagina or rubbing my clitoris. I don't want to be so graphic but as 'pleasant' as a breast rub or something might be I don't necessarily respond to that sexually. Sometimes I do sometimes it is just nice to be wanted.


I'm beginning to believe that a lot of LD women may actually be RD. Let's assume that to be true. There are still lingering questions, though.

My husband never tells me he loves me first. (Maybe he's RD in that department.)
I always have to ask my husband to take out the trash. (Maybe it's been a day since he took it out, and he just doesn't think about it.)
The wife has multiple PIV orgasms each time, but then she never thinks about sex again. (What if she did that about food? Why think about food but not sex?)
My husband doesn't love me. He always takes me for granted. (How is the complaint viewed if she is RD? Okay for her but not for him?)
There are many more questions, but you get the idea.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> Sfort. I just realized that I didn't answer your question about am I really RD.
> 
> I really am. I always feel the need to speak out on RD threads as I don't think it is very well understood. I believe that I'm RD. If I don't have sex for a day or 2 I could literally go for the rest of my life without sex.
> 
> ...


Are you sure this isn’t my wife??? That’s you isn’t it !! I knew you were checking up on me in this place !!!!!! You had me fooled so well !!!

Or is it frusdil ? Now I’m really confused!!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Anastasia6 said:


> Bonding sex without real pleasure. Well women bond with emotion and talking. So we don't need sex to bond. This is the big disconnect I think in many marriages. Women bond in a different way then men bond. This causes hurt feelings on both sides.


THAT is an interesting point regarding the dynamics of a relationship with an RD spouse. Particularly if the HD has to initiate sexual intimacy just to determine that the RD may be unable to respond. Otherwise it may be nonstop nonsexual intimacy with lots of cuddly bonding that is wonderful to one and extremely frustrating/demoralizing to the other.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sfort said:


> I'm beginning to believe that a lot of LD women may actually be RD. Let's assume that to be true. There are still lingering questions, though.
> 
> My husband never tells me he loves me first. (Maybe he's RD in that department.)
> I always have to ask my husband to take out the trash. (Maybe it's been a day since he took it out, and he just doesn't think about it.)
> ...


I too believe many LD women are actually RD. However the list below that is what I think builds resentment.

For instance why would she have to ask a grown ass adult to take out the trash? And if he did that doesn't translate to sex.

You see I am an act of service love language so taking out the trash without me nagging you about it is attractive. But not because it is transactional, you would be speaking my love language. Not all women have that as their primary love language. In addition, my husband isn't just a man of service. He meets my emotional needs daily. He makes me feel safe and loved everyday. Those things make me want to **** the **** out of him right now. Anytime I try to explain stuff on TAM I end up wanting my husband.

I don't know what comes first the chicken or the egg. Him meeting her emotional needs or her meeting his sexual needs. I do know that once it becomes something that score is kept you've probably already lost the game.

So your thread isn't really about responsive desire and trying to get a better understanding. It's about lack of sex which can have many roots. I really don't think Responsive Desire is the biggest issue most men of TAM have.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Sfort said:


> It would be great to hear from RD spouses, in particular.


I'll toss this into the conversation. I would possibly identify as RD as well. I however know exactly how to mindfully elicit a response from my libido and I am very aware of the things that will arouse me. So I would say that I have a very "predictable" and "dependable" RD whereas my spouse has a very "unpredictable" and "undependable" RD. Sometimes she wants to be intimate but it just doesn't happen. 

If I am not in the mood but she for whatever reason wants me to be, well then just give me A), B), and C) for about ten minutes and will respond to that and be ready to go! There have been instances where my wife has admitted to just testing me to see if this is true about me just out of curiosity. After I climax she will admit that she didn't think I would be able to do it and that she was only curious to see what would happen if she joked and tried to make me aroused at an inopportune moment.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

badsanta said:


> I'll toss this into the conversation. I would possibly identify as RD as well. I however know exactly how to mindfully elicit a response from my libido and I am very aware of the things that will arouse me. So I would say that I have a very "predictable" and "dependable" RD whereas my spouse has a very "unpredictable" and "undependable" RD. Sometimes she wants to be intimate but it just doesn't happen.
> 
> If I am not in the mood but she for whatever reason wants me to be, well then just give me A), B), and C) for about ten minutes and will respond to that and be ready to go! There have been instances where my wife has admitted to just testing me to see if this is true about me just out of curiosity. After I climax she will admit that she didn't think I would be able to do it and that she was only curious to see what would happen if she joked and tried to make me aroused at an inopportune moment.


I really do think this is a good explanation.

Sometimes I want sex and my husband isn't duty ready. But he's always said the mind is willing give the body of few minutes and see if it will cooperate. He's up for it but sometimes that takes some 'help'. I know most men are used to being ready so I think they can't really comprehend how a Responsive Desire has to have a few minutes of stimulation to want to be stimulated.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I think RD is only an issue if the R part doesn’t happen. It can be for a lot of reasons like hamfisted initiations, being unattractive in general, etc... but when the base you’re working off of is a statement like, “I’d be fine if I never had sex and I wouldn’t think about it.”

Well as someone who probably thinks about it a couple hours a day in the background it’s like talking to an alien.

So yes, it’s a lot to put on your shoulders to be the person who gets the R. However if you really think about it during the NRE phase you were probably doing this only you didn’t realize it. So just do that again.

For me this opened the tap and the sex came back to a level where I wasn’t mentally messed up worried about having to divorce her in a few months.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> I too believe many LD women are actually RD. However the list below that is what I think builds resentment.
> 
> For instance why would she have to ask a grown ass adult to take out the trash? And if he did that doesn't translate to sex.
> 
> ...


I think you're missing my point a little. Let me try to explain. In one example, it is generally understood (as far as I know) that men and women communicate differently with each other. In one breath, the man needs to understand that his wife is RD, so he accommodates by doing the things that heat her up. Understood. However, "Why would she have to ask a grown ass adult to take out the trash?" A man could just as easily ask, "Why would he have to ask a grown ass adult to have sex?" (The genders can easily be reversed.) 

Your perspective is great. I hope I clarified my questions.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sfort said:


> I think you're missing my point a little. Let me try to explain. In one example, it is generally understood (as far as I know) that men and women communicate differently with each other. In one breath, the man needs to understand that his wife is RD, so he accommodates by doing the things that heat her up. Understood. However, "Why would she have to ask a grown ass adult to take out the trash?" A man could just as easily ask, "Why would he have to ask a grown ass adult to have sex?" (The genders can easily be reversed.)
> 
> Your perspective is great. I hope I clarified my questions.


except the perspective isn't reversed it's apples and oranges.

Sex is an activity to be enjoyed by two willing people.

Trash is a core that both people participated in making the trash.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> except the perspective isn't reversed it's apples and oranges.
> 
> Sex is an activity to be enjoyed by two willing people.
> 
> Trash is a core that both people participated in making the trash.


I'll try to find a way to explain myself better.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sfort said:


> I'll try to find a way to explain myself better.


Oh I think I do understand what you are trying to express. The problem becomes that you feel entitled to sex if she wants any kind of emotional relationship. I do understand what the men of TAM have been saying for years. But it isn't going to get the response you desire.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> Oh I think I do understand what you are trying to express. The problem becomes that you feel entitled to sex if she wants any kind of emotional relationship. I do understand what the men of TAM have been saying for years. But it isn't going to get the response you desire.


No, that's not it at all. Not even close.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sfort said:


> No, that's not it at all. Not even close.


Sorry if I missed the point.
I have seen on TAM for many years were men seem to express that their wives expect emotional connection or help around the house but they expect sex. Why is it ok for the woman to think they can have one without the other.


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