# Husband wants to leave but I had to ask him to go...there's this guy on facebook



## lonelyconfused (Dec 27, 2011)

Before I write my issue please know that I live a very productive life, I am an artist that enjoys painting and sells work, I am a mom of two beautiful girls and on my own, I focus on myself and live a very good life....however...

I am writing out of just pure sadness. For a few years my husband has been withdrawing from me, I would ask him why but he would never tell me, sadly the times he tried to explain I didn't understand him or the full extent. I think he somewhat went through a mid life crisis about 7 months ago and it was at that time he told me he didn't have the energy to deal with me anymore and told me about all my issues, how his were not as bad as mine because I came from such a dysfunctional family (which I do)...
I did come in with a lot of baggage (abuse)...he came from a family where the parents never expressed any emotion, not even an "i love you"...

So I tried everything and went to counseling for myself to change (for myself and him), then he didn't like that because I was getting stronger and sticking up for myself more. He even admitted that he has seen change but he does not know if he has the energy to stick it out to see if I can do it. Since my change had started causing problems and he agreed to go to marriage counseling, I stopped going to counseling for myself. He only went to two marriage counseling sessions and ended it. Then we had an opportunity to attend some marriage classes and my husband made fun of it every night we went...but then would tell me "what are you complaining about I'm trying" Which wasn't really trying in my view. 

After all that I went back to the counselor for help for myself and as each week went on the issues became more and more intense. We have been living separate lives in the same house for the last couple of months, he has officially moved to the couch. 

During this time 7 months ago he had a major transition in his job, he has also been working with a woman for quite some time, I was friends with this lady and we had family vacations together. Once May hit I never heard anything from her again, she never called me, if I called here and there or texted she'd respond, but nothing else. He swears that he is not having an affair with her but I think there is something unhealthy in the mix of this somehow. I personally don't believe he is sleeping with her. I have checked his clothes, no perfume, no strange receipts. The only thing strange was that he has a password on his phone. I could be wrong but I don't think so, my gut doesn't feel that he is, it's just an unhealthy relationship. 

Last month my husband told me he had a letter for me that was 8 pages long. This really started to drive me crazy because day by day things got worse and worse. He wanted to give me this letter in another 6 months out, then he moved it up to January. I asked since things were so bad to give it to me now because I didn't think it was fair for him to hang this over my head, and at that point January was only three weeks away what was going to drastically change??. So he did, and it was really hard to read, and I realized I could not live with this anymore. He wanted to live a separate life in the same house for another year, our house is not that big, so he has been living on the couch. I face this every day and he ignores me as much as he can every day, day in and day out, and it has worn on me too much to the point I asked him to leave within the next 6 weeks. I told him that if he wanted to try to rebuild the relationship he would have to go to marriage counseling, sleep in the same bed and make genuine efforts to work on things and learn how to communicate better. I am just as bad at communicating as he is. I admit it.

So once that got worked out...completely out of the blue, totally out of the blue a guy from high school found me on facebook. I knew his wife in high school but not him as well, they were high school sweethearts and got married soon after high school/college. So I thought he was just saying hello and all that, told him to tell his wife I said hi, etc, but then he continued to flatter me. I have not had kind words said to me for well over a year, and we have become friends, and he talks about how he wants me and all that...and to my surprise (which I guess should not have been a surprise) I am pretty vulnerable. I have been straight with him, that our conversations must stay platonic, and that this all stays platonic. I have to admit though, I appreciate the flattery and the fact that he tells me how beautiful I am... in fact, I love it...and I don't want it to end because I am terribly lonely...

However with what my husband has done to me with his co-worker, two wrongs do not make a right and so I certainly feel guilty, but I still enjoy this very much and he seems so kind...but he's probably a jerk! He is separating from his wife, neither of us have filed any paperwork to this regard, so I know this is wrong...but it has been incredibly difficult since I have been so lonely, have not been intimate with anybody for 8 months, or told I'm beautiful, etc. I have turned to friends regarding this, and of course they tell me to stop, I have one friend that totally understands why I am having such a hard time but she continues to be blunt with me. 

I didn't realize how much I missed that until this happened so unexpectedly. 
I know at the end of the day this isn't right and probably not good for me. But I'm human. 
But now that I think my husband, being incredibly stubborn, will likely file for divorce in a year because I put up some boundaries. And so I am going to be this lonely for another full year. 

I am a very busy person and live a full life in my own right, I have great support networks, but at the end of the day I really just miss the friendship of a guy, and the beauty of all that comes with an intimate relationship, I feel like this has been robbed from me from me from under my feet, it is sad and terrible, and I am really really struggling with this other issue now. 


Has anybody been in this type of situation before, does anybody have any thoughts/advice? 

Thanks!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Chances are very good that your husband is having an affair. You might want to do a whole lot more snooping. Does your cell phone bill show the numbers called and numbers that call him? That would give you a good idea if he is spending a lot of time with someone else.

The old high school friend? Stop it now. It will only give your husband reason to call you names once he finds out and he will. Plus, until this guy is really divorced, he's off limits.

Why are you waiting for your husband to file for divorce? Why don't you go file now? Take charge of your own life. It sounds like you do not have good boundaries. You are allowing him to treat you poorly.


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## lonelyconfused (Dec 27, 2011)

You are right. The one thing that holds me back from filing is that we are both Christians, not that we are perfect (as you can see), but if I can avoid a divorce and work things out I do feel I need to give him a chance. I feel I have a responsibility to give him the chance. He has not demonstrated that to present though which yes I should really think about.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Filing for divorce does not mean you cannot still try. it will show him that you are serious. The nonsense stops, he fesses up his affair and starts working on your marriage, or it's over. 

The way you are going he will never stop. He is walking all over you.

Being a Christian does not mean you allow yourself to be abused.


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## lonelyconfused (Dec 27, 2011)

Again agreed! I have lived with this for so long and I have been working this out with my counselor it has been difficult to really see for myself, like a thick fog, and it is now I am starting to recognize the emotional abuse that I have been under, even just minor things where I would just cater to him because he is a very stubborn man, just to keep the peace and keep him happy, but now I've totally shaken that old system and it has been a rude awakening, an eyeopener...I've read many books about emotional abuse and he is not a yeller but he withdraws, which I actually think is worse. He'll ignore me for hours. I get out of the house and live my life, but it is difficult to come home to that day in and day out. 

I have been in touch with my local pastors who have gone over Matt 18 with me, and I've done all that, and I've even asked him to go the pastor to talk with me and he flat out refuses. So in the "Christian" sense, I have done everything I could and I don't believe that God will hold it against me if I do file, there is also the fear of being a single parent, as well as the fact that God hates divorce. I grew up with parents divorced and it was so difficult for me, I don't want to put my children through it, but I don't want my daughters seeing how he treats me, so they don't end up with men like that too. 

It's a mess.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since he will not work with you I think you have no choice. Is there any way at all that you can get proof of his affair? It would be so much better if you could. 

Have you spoken to any attornies. I think this might be your next step. At least get an idea of your rights.


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## lonelyconfused (Dec 27, 2011)

Yes I do have an attorney and I have talked to him about filing the separation paperwork. I live in California apparently it does not matter who files, it will not put a person in a disadvantage if one files first. So I do have all that sorted, it's just a matter of him moving out now. He's trying to work out a way to get a proper apartment, I had suggested a studio apartment that we could switch off and be cheaper but he wants to do it this way. I did give him a time limit and I think I will give him the papers then. The affair to determine will be difficult, my attorney told me that even if I tapped his phones and all that, it would not be allowed in the court but he suggested it so I could have peace of mind. I could be totally off base of course, but if anything I think it is more of an emotional affair than a physical one.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My thoughts are that you're not really giving your husband or marriage a fair chance with the other guy in the picture. And justifying it by saying you think your husband has something else going on is just making excuses.

My advice. Ditch the other guy. No contact. Either pull the plug on the other guy, or pill the plug on your marriage. If you think your marriage might be salvageable, investigate the possible infidelity. Go into the infidelity forum, and read up on finding and breaking up an affair, if you find one. Or decide at that time if you can reconcile with your husband having an affair.

Right now, you're just in limbo, and not doing anything. Time to start taking ownership of your life.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with our attorney. Knowing about the affair for sure is for you, so that you know for sure what you are dealing with.

While your attorney is right (of course) that in California the courts do not want to hear about things like affairs... it's no-fault, issues about affairs could be relevant. For example if a husband used community assets to buy is girlfriend an expensive piece of jewelry for, say $10,000. He would have owe the marital community $10,000. So this would be considered in the settlement. Money spent on vacations, things like that with her would be as well.


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## lonelyconfused (Dec 27, 2011)

I know two wrongs don't make a right. No excuses there! Been a rough 8 months.  
I have felt very trapped and I've realized over the last several weeks now a lot of that has been my own doing. 
Thank you!


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## lonelyconfused (Dec 27, 2011)

So would an emotional affair be relevant in a court or just physical?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lonelyconfused said:


> So would an emotional affair be relevant in a court or just physical?


In California, as your attorney told you, affairs are not relevant in court.

You really do need to stop the on-line thing with the guy from high school. It makes you look like the bad guy. It's immoral. So a guy knows that you are married. He is still married but hits up on you.

And yet in your marriage you are all worried about the Christian thing to do. Do you think that the right Christian thing to do does not apply with this no-line guy?

Let me tell you something about guys up hit up on women on the internet.. even ones who high school. They are hitting up on every female who will respond to them. That's what the internet is used for by these guys.. it's a numbers came. So how many lonely housewifes they can get to respond.. and maybe a few will actually meet them for sex.

If the relationship with the on-line guy is meant to be, it can wait until you are divorced and he is divorced.


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## lonelyconfused (Dec 27, 2011)

I need to stop it and I will, and you are probably right, and he is probably a jerk looking for sex, and I have been having too many weak moments. I know all the Christian stuff applies to everything in my life, not just to the marriage, everything. No excuses, its been a really difficult road and life change to swallow. He is not local at all he lives very far away. Still not right.


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## miscommunication (Oct 1, 2011)

Lonely- you need to realize that you are involved in an emotional affair with this guy from high school (who is still married by the way). You need to end it and immediately. You have no true chance on making your marriage work as long as you have another man on your mind. 

I would recommend that you read two books that have been extremely helpful to me. "The Five Love Languages" and "Desperate Marriage" both by Dr. Gary Chapman. Start with the five love languages. For me it was extremely helpful as I realized that for about ten years I had totally screwed up how I should have been treating my wife. It will hopefully give you some insight into your spouse and maybe even some steps on how to get through to him. I wish you the best and hope to see posts showing positive progress for you and your family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lonelyconfused said:


> I need to stop it and I will, and you are probably right, and he is probably a jerk looking for sex, and I have been having too many weak moments. I know all the Christian stuff applies to everything in my life, not just to the marriage, everything. No excuses, its been a really difficult road and life change to swallow. He is not local at all he lives very far away. Still not right.


I know that it's hard.. very hard. It's nice to hear someone admire you.

Can you find other things that make you feel better about yourself? (Stay away from gyms, they are meat markets :lol: ). You are vulerable so you need to protect yourself.

If you continue with this online thing, in the end it will be your feeling even worse about yourself.. like the hangover after a wild party where you drank too much.

What do you think you will do now?


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## lonelyconfused (Dec 27, 2011)

Just so everyone knows this I've only been talking to this guy for about 5 days maybe! It was certainly something that has taken me by surprise and not what I was looking for. I thought that after this marriage ends that I would never get married again but then when this guy flattered me, it gave me hope that I can have a good life beyond this. But I will make a decision to stop it that is something completely within my control. I have read those books on the love languages, I have tried to do everything with my husbands love language and he has through the years rejected it every time. I am not as organized as he is and as hard as I have tried through the years he takes my spontaneous/sometimes disorganized nature as not loving him well. I have tried and have now given up, it doesn't seem to make any difference, he thinks his way of doing things is the only correct way. He is very stubborn and unwilling to flex. In the mist of that I have flexed too much for him and something in me has died and needs to be rebirthed.


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## lonelyconfused (Dec 27, 2011)

It's not that I need a man to have a better life because with my goals and interests that keeps me afloat, I live a very full life in that regard, I just miss having a good relationship, somebody to share life with. If I am still attractive, when Im ready again I will find somebody that will treat me better.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You just need to resolve this relationship first. It's a tough one.. but once you get the ball rolling it will get easier.


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## lonelyconfused (Dec 27, 2011)

I certainly hope so.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lonelyconfused said:


> I certainly hope so.


You need a plan of action. So what's your plan?


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## lonelyconfused (Dec 27, 2011)

Well we talked last week and I told him that he needed to move out, he asked for three months and I told him that was not a reasonable time frame unless he wanted to work things out. There is a family event mid Jan, so i asked him to leave after that point, he said he thinks he can work things out to leave in Feb. So at that time my plan was to give him the separation papers. I will still stay at the house and he will still be just down the road to see kids and drive to activities and what not. Since he will have to have a lease for a year he wants to give the separation a year, which is fine with me. But if things go awol then I will file for divorce sooner, I gave him a list of things he would have to do in order to re-establish a relationship with me, so far he has told me he's not interested in doing any of that. So I think by summertime, I will have a more definite picture as to where things will end up, but I do think if I at least see how things go until the summer, I will have a better idea of how it will end up and I will feel that I have done everything I could.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If I were you I would file as soon as he moves out to establish custody/visitation and financial issues.


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## lonelyconfused (Dec 27, 2011)

We've chatted about all that he will give me a check each month for groceries and school stuff, he will take care of both household's rent, car payments, all other bills. We'll see, but that should all be in the paperwork correct? I haven't gotten into that much detail yet.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lonelyconfused said:


> We've chatted about all that he will give me a check each month for groceries and school stuff, he will take care of both household's rent, car payments, all other bills. We'll see, but that should all be in the paperwork correct? I haven't gotten into that much detail yet.


How long have the two of you been married? Do you have children under 18? The answer to these two questions is important.

Regardless of what he says he'll do now... i doubt you can depend on is word. You really do need to get an attorney to set up interim support until you divorce is final.

You are in school working on a degree? Bachelors or Masters?

California uses the DissoMaster as the starting point for child support and spousal support. You can get an idea of what the support will be.

California Child and Spousal Support Calculator | Dydo Services I've used this site to run support calculations in my brother's case. The results from the site are exactly what they came up with in court. this site charges $40 for a report and 10 revisions.

There is also a free calculator on the California court self help site.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sounds like you have a pretty reasonable plan in place, and the timelines seem fair. What are you looking at changing to make things work? Are the two of you going through counseling as well?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lonelyconfused (Dec 27, 2011)

I recently became an insurance agent and I work at an insurance co part time, i love it, but I need to work full time to make it really work, so I have been looking into several child care options, I have a degree bs. Thanks for all the info on the legal stuff! 
I know I have to be careful trusting his word regarding the financials. I am not blind there.


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## lonelyconfused (Dec 27, 2011)

He refuses to go to counseling. He thinks it will make things worse. I disagree.


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