# " this isnt what i wanted, i love you"



## Slipping (Nov 20, 2014)

SO my mood has drastically changed the past couple of hours. After a huge blow out with my WS yesterday which led to him storming out, yelling and ignoring me, he makes it all as if his reaction was fine. I " remind him of all the wrong he's done in his life" thats why he yells at me. SO me questioning something he said, because he cheated on me, is too much of a painful reminder to him to answer me nicely. 

I told him to only talk to me if it involves the kids and to leave me alone. His response as he's leaving for work " this isnt what i wanted, i love you". 

I might be getting at that point where i dont give a f*uk.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I think he believes that he loves you. He is definitely capable of lying to himself. He probably does have some sort of an attachment to you, but it is not the general husband has for a wife attachment. On his totem of priority, your not likely near the top.

By detaching, you will be able to better use the judgement center of your brain. The more powerful the emotions, the less judgement plays a factor. You should leave, but until you find the strength to, learn to disengage. Whatever he says, ignore it, it will only keep you bonded to him. Remember, victims of abuse are addicted to the drama. The decision to leave will be tough for those reasons. Your feelings and emotions will impair the judgement of your more rational side.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Slipping said:


> SO my mood has drastically changed the past couple of hours. After a huge blow out with my WS yesterday which led to him storming out, yelling and ignoring me, he makes it all as if his reaction was fine. I " remind him of all the wrong he's done in his life" thats why he yells at me. SO me questioning something he said, because he cheated on me, is too much of a painful reminder to him to answer me nicely.
> 
> I told him to only talk to me if it involves the kids and to leave me alone. His response as he's leaving for work " this isnt what i wanted, i love you".
> 
> I might be getting at that point where i dont give a f*uk.


The opposite of love is indifference....so yes....there's a good chance that you are getting to that point....and that might be a good thing.

It sounds like he's not taking a strong enough ownership of him cheating.


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

It's easy enough to claim to love someone, it takes little effort and even less for liars and manipulators.

In addition to being a feeling, I consider love to be how you treat someone and what you do. He has shown that he either doesn't love you or that his capacity to "love" you is useless. 

He yells at you and treats you the way he does because he is an a**hole and a child.

I wouldn't engage him if I were you, it'll just keep drawing you back. You need to be able to let go and end this, are you willing to do that?


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## Slipping (Nov 20, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> I think he believes that he loves you. He is definitely capable of lying to himself. He probably does have some sort of an attachment to you, but it is not the general husband has for a wife attachment. On his totem of priority, your not likely near the top.
> 
> By detaching, you will be able to better use the judgement center of your brain. The more powerful the emotions, the less judgement plays a factor. You should leave, but until you find the strength to, learn to disengage. Whatever he says, ignore it, it will only keep you bonded to him. Remember, victims of abuse are addicted to the drama. The decision to leave will be tough for those reasons. Your feelings and emotions will impair the judgement of your more rational side.


Yea, I am sticking pretty hard to the only talk about kids boundary, its been in effect for a couple of hours, haha. We live together, so this complicates things, the kids are still small, so thats why we have to communicate. He kept messaging me and called me about if he should pick up a shift at work. I ignored the call, and messaged back, as long as it dosent effect the kids. Hes supposed to be spending time with our youngest so i can take the oldest to a party that day. Thats the only reason I even responded. 

Its just a feeling in my gut. It really can take a long time for a trauma like this to settle in. I dont want to be emotionally involved with someone who can give a **** about the way I feel. Who has no regard how their actions effect me. ESPECIALLY after they ****ed up after a second chance. Right now I cant go through a divorce, I spoke to my therapist about it, and she is helping me get to a point of independence, financial, emotional, and whatever else. Once I am there, Im sure the decision will be clear and easy. As for now, I will be disengaging, and worrying about myself.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He may well love you. Heaps and heaps.

But if he can't stop cheating on you, how does his love help you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

He's a self-centered person. Anything that questions his lofty and inflated sense of self - your question him/remind his of his actions -- is abhorrent to him. An attack. He responds in kind to defend this bogus image he holds of himself.

Dealing with that kind of personality is rough. They cannot be made to believe they could be the one with the problems. Likely, somewhere inside he feels that if you'd just done whatever he wanted, none of this would have happened. Its really all your fault.

Then, the circle is complete.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Forest said:


> He's a self-centered person. Anything that questions his lofty and inflated sense of self - your question him/remind his of his actions -- is abhorrent to him. An attack. He responds in kind to defend this bogus image he holds of himself.
> 
> Dealing with that kind of personality is rough. They cannot be made to believe they could be the one with the problems. Likely, somewhere inside he feels that if you'd just done whatever he wanted, none of this would have happened. Its really all your fault.
> 
> Then, the circle is complete.


:iagree:

My Ex was the same way, still is and will always be. According to her, she is a good person who made a few wrong choices and because I stuff my emotions I'm unable to give her another, another chance. (Yeah, 2 ddays and 4 affairs that I know of, 1 over the span of 2 years, while we were going to therapy and she sat there saying she would never cheat on me to my face and to the therapist).

I think deep inside she knows how bad her actions were. But they just manifest as depression to her. She can't admit it to herself, and never well. Before the D, if I tried to challenge her with it, she would react with anger. Phrases like "How long are you going to hold this over my head" and "I already apologized, what more do you want." were common. After the D it was "this isn't what I wanted, I still love you". 

My response was, "if this isn't what you wanted, why did you try so hard to make it happen?" I mean, it took real effort on her part to hide 4 affairs, blow a second chance and make me feel like I was crazy. All that effort was to protect her ego. I guess those of us who can admit our mistakes and faults have a difficult time understandin the minds of those who can only seem themselves in a positive light.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Acoa said:


> My response was, "if this isn't what you wanted, why did you try so hard to make it happen?"


Someone should have banged a gong after that slap-down!

Its perfect. Yeah, sane people go around all the time investing all of their energy into things they don't want.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Just some simple comments.. 

I would suggest keeping everything in one thread this way people can read your back story.. Sort of like a journal or a public diary. 

I am NOT trying to over think this, but do you think he meant this isn't what I wanted maybe meant. This isn't what I wanted to happen to us or This isn't what I wanted, meaning this isn't how I wanted to hurt you.. 

Only because he said I love you at the end.. 

Look I love you, this isn't what I wanted ( to happen).. Yea a bit cryptic but for a moment I took at this is what he was implying.. Again that is just me.. I also wanted to add that I was in your shoes so I am not looking to side with a cheater and I am subsequently divorced.


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## Slipping (Nov 20, 2014)

THANKS for all the feedback. When he said the whole line before he left for work, I think he meant..I still want to communicate and work things out...on MY terms. Thats what I think he meant. If hes hungry, tired or cranky..its ok for him to lash out and act irrational. IM not supposed to be upset if he says things to hurt me...according to him. This has been what has been going on alot lately. Im over here trying to deal with my own issues. My horrible f*cking issues. Think about it, how messed up does someone have to be to stay with a person cheats, lies and deceives. 

As far as him actually being capable of loving me, I cant even tell you if I believe he ever has. Looking back at our relationship, and him..I dont think he knows what its like to love and respect a woman. Everything aside..the cheating, the alcohol, the lying, he lied in marriage counseling as well, allllll of that. Put that aside...what really makes me believe he has no love for me, is the choices hes making now in his sobriety. He is seeing a highly qualified therapist in Manhattan, he has an amazing sponsor, and still...he makes the choice to walk in a bar and hide a friendship with a woman.( he didnt drink, it was a bar grill,) Im not gonna sit here and speculate if they did anything- I might sound like a big ass right now, but I dont believe they did. I KNOW when he's up to no good. Hes a pompous, arrogant f*ck. And this ive realized the last few months. Anyways...still, the fact that he cant respect my feelings and emotions, and think before he does something, like consciously think will this hurt my wife...does really show me I am not even anywhere near his totem pole of priority.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

He may stay married to you for convenience. You help around the home, you raise the children, and it looks good to others that he has a wife and children.

It would probably be a different story if you asked for an open marriage, because he is participating in one whether you like it or not. But you know that he would not allow you the same privilege, because most men out there would make a better partner, and there goes the convenience as well.

He probably thought that beig married and having children would fix his issues and make him change. But he is still a dysfunctional person.


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## Slipping (Nov 20, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> He may stay married to you for convenience. You help around the home, you raise the children, and it looks good to others that he has a wife and children.
> 
> It would probably be a different story if you asked for an open marriage, because he is participating in one whether you like it or not. But you know that he would not allow you the same privilege, because most men out there would make a better partner, and there goes the convenience as well.
> 
> He probably thought that beig married and having children would fix his issues and make him change. But he is still a dysfunctional person.


Well he's a cake eater for sure, if thats what your getting at. He has used me as his reasoning for why he has done all the things these past 8 years. Went out to get drunk, because I fought with him. Slept with other women, because I wasnt affectionate enough. And hearing someone say that to you really hurts alot at first. Then you sit in a room with other people who have been in a relationship with addicts and you realize something..its all to make themselves feel better for being the piece of s*it they are. And us? were just as bad for staying and enabling them by allowing them to treat us this way. 

Under better circumstances we technically would be a good match. We both love health and fitness, we train martial arts, enjoy cooking and all that kind of stuff. He has always been supportive of me finishing school and working towards the career I have always wanted. And Ive always tried t help build him up into the kind of man he has wanted to be.

Then reality sets in and you realize, all of that dosent normalize everything else. He has alot of issues. ANd clearly so do I. 

I dont know if I can live the rest of my life waiting for him to mess up again. When I found out initially about him stepping outside of the marriage, like most cheaters do, he downplayed everything, But I knew. I knew all my intuition was right, and he was just lying through the years.

And these past few months have just clarified everything. He had a second chance. And if you say that to him he argues he didnt get the help he needed then and now he is. But Im not sure if thats ok with me. That proves it wasnt a 1, or even 2 time slip up. This is a serious issue he has, and he cant control..or dosent care to control it. And why do I have to stick around and wait and see if he turns into a better person?

Im 28 years old. I have a 7 and 5 year old with him. He wanted to settle down and have kids so badly. I made the mistake of being selfless and used for 8 years. Now im working on me and it feels amazing. 

I wrote a whole lot, I needed to get it off my chest...thank you to whoever reads it all!


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