# How do you know when it's time to let go?



## Lovey011 (Mar 9, 2013)

My husband and I have been together for 12 years and married for almost 3years. Over the years we have had our share of ups and downs, but over the last few years it's gotten worse. 

I am in my late 20's and my husband is in his late 30's. For the last 4 years sex has become less and less frequent. At first it was because he was tired, then he was depressed. When his depression seemed to subside but his drive was still lost we went to the doctor. We had him tested for low testosterone and many other things. It turns out that he was borderline diabetic. The doctor said this may be why he is suffering from erectile dysfunction. At this point I had real hope that we could fix things and get some of our old spark back.

This began a 2 1\2 year struggle of diet changes, medication and hope for improvement. But the reality is that nothing has changed. In fact, it's gotten worse. We haven't had sex once this year. Last year we had it maybe 5 times at most. My husband now has stopped even trying. He's decided he doesn't need to take his medication or test his blood sugar. When we fight about the lack of intimacy he always says he wants to change and promises to do better. But the reality is he's not doing a damn thing. 

The worst part is that I know he actually loves me. I can see it in his face and he's always trying to help me around the house. But I'm tired of the lack of physical connection. He literally becomes uncomfortable whenever I kiss him for fear that I might trying to initiate sex. He has become so good at avoiding anything remotely sexual it's demoralizing. I'm so tired of feeling unwanted. 

The thing is, as many of you know, divorce isn't easy. We have our lives and families intertwined with each other. I fear facing our friends and family if we get divorced. How do you tell people I'm leaving because he doesn't want sex anymore?? Especially when there is a physical ailment involved..... On one hand I feel like the commitment I made to this marriage should be why I stay. At the same time, I want to be in a fully functional relationship. I love my husband and I want to love having sex with him. Maybe it would be easier to stay if I felt he was actually trying but I just feel like I keep getting lied too. 

How do you know when it's time to move on?!?!?...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Have you guys considered a sex therapist who could help with how to continue intimacy?


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## Lovey011 (Mar 9, 2013)

I have mentioned it before. He say it might be an option later on down the road but as of right now he doesn't feel it's necessary to go. I try to talk about our problems with him but he continues to ignore my attempts. When I finally do get him to talk he ends up leaving in an angry huff saying that he doesn't want to feel worse than he already does. I try to sympathize with his feeling as well but it just seems like he wants me to ignore my need for intimacy.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Make a docs appt and drag his butt there. Have a full blood work done. This might be more that sex. He needs to understand that something is not right.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

How do you know when it's time?

When, despite overwhelming medical advice, he refuses to do anything about it.

Time to pull the plug.

Don't waste 20 years in a sexless, loveless marriage like I did. I got out. Best decision I EVER made. My kids would echo that.

Life is WAY too short...


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## Lovey011 (Mar 9, 2013)

Thank you all for your input.... My husband and I have an appointment with a marriage councilor next week. This really seems like this is our last chance to make this work.


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## MGD (Jun 19, 2015)

I think you have manged at least to convince him to go to marriage councilor. This should be the start not "the last chance to make this work".

Let me ask you this question before I iterat my experience. 

1) Does your hasband smoke?
2) Does he drink alcohol?


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Lovey011 said:


> Thank you all for your input.... My husband and I have an appointment with a marriage councilor next week. This really seems like this is our last chance to make this work.


This will not go well. Not the way you want it to, anyhow. If all of your eggs are in this basket, it's time to start looking at separation.


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## Lovey011 (Mar 9, 2013)

Yes my husband does smoke, heavily. He's not too much of a drinker though. 

We had our first counciling session last night. I think it went better than expected. I left the meeting feeling more love and compassion for my husband than I have in a long time.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Lovey011 said:


> Yes my husband does smoke, heavily. He's not too much of a drinker though.
> 
> We had our first counciling session last night. I think it went better than expected. I left the meeting feeling more love and compassion for my husband than I have in a long time.


The smoking likely has a BIG impact on his ability to perform. It is known to interfere with blood circulation and erectile ability.

I'm glad the meeting went well, but is he actually committed to making any change? It's fine if you are feeling love and compassion, but that's a moot point if he's not willing to make any changes to make sure that YOUR needs are met in this relationship. You have to make it clear that THINGS MUST CHANGE, or this is the beginning of the end for the two of you.

Given your husband's borderline diabetes problem and his aversion to docs and meds, it sounds to me like he's the type to avoid problems in hopes they will go away. But problems don't go away, and when they go untreated, they explode. They're like infections that way. You go swimming in some brackish water and a little cut on your foot gets infected; you wash it out, but the infection gets worse, but you're scared of the doctor, so you don't go to see anyone about it, and before you know it, you're in the emergency room and they're amputating your leg due to necrotizing fasciitis. If you had gone to the doctor for treatment right away, you would still have your leg. Instead, you've lost your leg and now you have medical bills that will bankrupt you.



Lovey011 said:


> I have mentioned it before. He say it might be an option later on down the road but as of right now he doesn't feel it's necessary to go. I try to talk about our problems with him but he continues to ignore my attempts. When I finally do get him to talk he ends up leaving in an angry huff saying that he doesn't want to feel worse than he already does. I try to sympathize with his feeling as well but it just seems like he wants me to ignore my need for intimacy.


This has avoidance written all over it. You are going to need to light a fire under his a$$ to get him to pay attention to his health and to make some major changes. I wish he was enough of a grown-up to recognize that he is only sabotaging his own life, but he's not.

Don't let your empathy for him crowd your judgement. Compassion is a good thing, but like anything else, it must be used in moderation. Too much empathy results in a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship, in which you make excuses for all his $h!tty behavior because you empathize TOO MUCH. You will need to be firm with him if this is going to be fixed, and he probably won't like that...


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Lovey011 said:


> The thing is, as many of you know, divorce isn't easy. We have our lives and families intertwined with each other. I fear facing our friends and family if we get divorced. How do you tell people I'm leaving because he doesn't want sex anymore?? Especially when there is a physical ailment involved.....


I do not know the answer to your main question (I am on the quest myself), but you do not owe ANY explanation to your family and friends. This should be one of your least problems. you just give them general "things did not work out" or something like this and that's all.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

WandaJ said:


> I do not know the answer to your main question (I am on the quest myself), but you do not owe ANY explanation to your family and friends. This should be one of your least problems. you just give them general "things did not work out" or something like this and that's all.


I agree. It's none of their business. And any of them who want to judge you can go get stuffed. (You can go ahead and tell them I said that.)

And what they think doesn't really matter, because they aren't the one in YOUR marriage! And honestly? A lot of people WON'T get it. They WON'T understand, because they've never been married, OR if they're married, it's never been bad enough for them to consider divorce--what you're going through is _literally beyond their comprehension_. So don't worry about it.

But you'll also be amazed by the love and support you get from the most unlikely sources.


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