# Confused - Does she even care anymore?



## marriedguy41 (Dec 30, 2010)

Long rambling post sorry . . . .

Married 17 years. Two children 14 & 10. I'm the bread winner, she was the stay at home Mom. She has worked part time as PE teacher (15 hours/week) for about 10 years. Every penny I earn goes into a joint account for family expenses. 

We have drifted apart. She says it's because I would close up emotionally when I was hurt or bothered. She used to try to figure it out but over time she wore out. I've improved some. I still close down but only for a matter of hours not days or weeks and will apologize and want to talk. She says I have improved. I want to talk all the time; now she doesn't.

Over the past year and a half she has become selfish with her time. She is a great mother, a true Mom. But she has no time for us. Then she began texting and Facebooking. Meeting old high school friends - mainly guys. Not that these things are bad, but as other posts suggest a potential divider. I do FB to stay in daily touch with my 6 siblings and nieces/nephews. She changed her password on FB so I can't logon. One thing we did discuss when we joined FB.

There are two instances where she has been out with people I don't know; I didn't know she was going and I "caught" her. One she says she was out with her sister and friends all night - I talked to her sister in her driveway at 1:30am - she didn't get home until 2:30am - she holds true to her story. The other she says she was with friends (20 something year olds guys and girls) and stayed in a hotel "because they were too drunk to drive". I was in Vegas on work for the "sleepover" and called home hourly - first worried - then jealous - then mad. I can rationalize her stories to be true - but your 43 yrs old. Get a cab your 15 miles from home. I am no angel and have over indulged before, but I always come home apologetic, a little ashamed and with a synopsis of the night. 

I've checked phone/texting records and can see she avoids my calls/texts when she is out, but contacts others. No meaning hookups or anything, but avoiding me. My work phone, email accounts, etc. have always been an open book. There may be some crude emails, but nothing I'm hiding. I would even call when gone on business trips and tell her if we went to a strip club - she was always cool.

Her father had a 20 year affair and another child - more or less still a secret - but everyone knew. Her mother hired a PI a few years back, but never divorced. He passed away 4 years ago suddenly at work. Her grandmother divorced over an affair and hung out with a married fellow - like at Christmas, family trips etc. She was married when I met her.

She has two and a half days to herself during the week and she spends time with old friends, new friends, her sister and working out. We don't do anything as a couple. If we go to neighborhood events we separate. Not that we need to be hip to hip. But I feel we should come and go as a couple. Recently she will head out afterwards with a group to the bars (walk) and I'll head home. I like to go out and have fun, but midnight or so is fine for me. And I can deal with occasional, but the exception seems to be the rule now.

The weekend before Thanksgiving I asked her to go out for dinner Saturday night. A neighborhood kid was going to be at a local bar. When Saturday night came, she couldn't make a decision to go out. Her sister was texting her - they wanted to go to the bar. She couldn't decide so I told I would choose and to have fun with her sister. I took the kids for ice cream. The next morning I found out she went with the parents of the kid (25) performing. I said " I lost out to our neighbors!?" Her sister never went.

In the bedroom I initiate intimately 99% of the time. And now that doesn't exist.

I tell myself I'm a good person and husband - not perfect.

Like others have said, I want to spend time with my family. Hiking, swimming, walking, playing games. Anything. It seems like I am the one that initiates that too.

She says she loves me but not in love with me. I parent her. I have bought books - she doesn't think they are useful. I listen to Tiffany Granath on Playboy Radio. There are some good things there. I asked her to listen, she never really did. Not that one of these will fix us, but there are certainly bits and pieces that can help.

So now I fell lonely, sad and resentful. Last night she told me she is going for an overnight with the neighborhood girls. This was discussed at the girls Christmas lunch. Apparently she is the only one that needed to talk it over with her husband - the evening before the event. I guess asking if she can go and me replying we haven't even gone to dinner as a couple in several months - and shes going - is discussing it.

I have tried yelling, crying, affection, some counseling and nothing seems to help; but I still love her. I'm just beating my head against a wall.

So am I just a jealous hard headed guy who has no concept of love and emotion? 

I can't imagine not being able to enjoy the little things - listening to my daughter sing as she works, or just hanging with my son - when ever I want.

Thanks for listening -


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Your wife is not drifting away, she's sprinting.

All these overnights and you pressing to find her is having her respond by upping the escape strategy.

Is she cheating? Probably.

You two need a candid discussion about the state of your marriage and what to do about it.

Be prepared for what she may tell you.


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

Man Im in the same thing I feel your pain Im dying inside,Im getting pushed off to the side Im gonna lose everything. You described excatly whats happening to me & I dont know what to do!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I would agree with the above... If you're interested in finding out so you can stop it and fix your marriage, start digging to see if there is an affair going on. If you decide you just can't carry on regardless of there being an affair or not and there's no hope for fixing things, then start moving in that direction.

Why won't you be able to enjoy the little things you mention? Are you talking about if you divorce? Or are you talking about just not being able to enjoy your family stuff anymore? In either case, I don't think moving on with your life means losing out on these things in the long term. Short term, there will likely be chaos, but that may just be the price for a happier future.

C


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## marriedguy41 (Dec 30, 2010)

PBear -

What type of digging do I need to do? I can view text and phone call logs, but what other details?

I just mean the daily stuff, the incidentals with the kids. If they are split between two households.

Thank you -


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

marriedguy41 said:


> PBear -
> 
> What type of digging do I need to do? I can view text and phone call logs, but what other details?
> 
> ...


I guess it depends on how badly you want (or need) to know. You could install a GPS tracking device on her vehicle. You could hire a PI to follow her, or just ask a friend to follow her on one of her overnight trips. There's plenty of things discussed in this forum.

My point is that you need to figure out what you want. If she is having an affair (which sounds kinda likely to me), would you want to find out, confront her with evidence, and then end it so you can work on your marriage? There's lots of threads about affair busting in here, and people who can help. If it turns out there isn't an affair, you can work on trying to fix the marriage.

Or, do you just want to end things regardless of an affair or not? If that's the case, it may not be worth going through the pain of finding out.

And I get what you mean about the family stuff being split between two households. That's what I thought you were getting at, but didn't want to jump to conclusions. Yes, that would suck, but I'd say it's better than another 20+ years of unhappiness. Or even more fun, another 5 years of unhappiness, THEN a divorce anyway.

C


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Has her behavior with the kids changed also?

What my wife went through was similar to a midlife crisis - it was more than just the marriage. She withdrew from me, the kids, her parents - basically anyone who wouldn't approve of her new "hobbies."

Once I saw this, I was able to take it a little less personally. FWIW.


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## marriedguy41 (Dec 30, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Has her behavior with the kids changed also?
> 
> What my wife went through was similar to a midlife crisis - it was more than just the marriage. She withdrew from me, the kids, her parents - basically anyone who wouldn't approve of her new "hobbies."
> 
> Once I saw this, I was able to take it a little less personally. FWIW.


Maybe a little with the kids; but not a ton. I would say she has withdrawn from her Mom some. I called her Mom the night I was in Vegas and looking for her. W freaked out that I called her - "Why did you involve her".

My family has suggested a midlife crisis or delayed depression from her Dad's death.

Thank you -


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