# Feeling hurt and not sure what to do next



## jellybean26 (May 20, 2011)

Hi ladies I'm new here and desperately looking for some advice on a bit of a complicated issue my husband and I have.

Last night was hubbys birthday so he went out with some friends drinking. He promised me that he would not get wasted as I am 4 months pregnant and need him around at the moment as I am having a tough pregnancy.

Anyway he finally crawled in on hands and knees at gone 1am and collapsed on the bed. I woke up an hour later to him vomiting (sorry tmi) all over the bedroom. I tried to sit him up and move him to the bathroom so he didn't choke and then went downstairs to get cleaning products. 

I started cleaning up on my hands and knees but because of my morning sickness it was making me wretch so I asked him to help. And thats when he lost control - I could see that 'he wasn't all there' if that makes sense but he just started shouting at me and making whining voices saying 'wa wa wa I'm pregnant look at me I'm too useless to do anything'. I started crying and then he pushed me out of the bedroom and locked the door behind me! At this point I was soo scared that I actually had a panic attack - I really was scared for my baby because I just couldn't breathe. But eventually I calmed myself down and spent the rest of the night on the couch watching TV.

This is not the first time this sort of thing has happened in fact in the past it has been worse - it only happens 2 or 3 times a year - but I guess it's my fault for letting him get away with it so many times before. He never remembers in the morning and has accused me several times of making things up. Eventually he apologises - sometimes several days later and swears he will never drink again but he always does. I always end up cleaning up the rest of his vomit/pee the next day because he normally refuses or is just too ill to do it properly himself.

But this time it scared me not just for me but for my baby and now I just can't bear to speak to him. I feel he has let us both down and I don't know if a sorry will fix it. He thinks that I am being unfair and is just irritated that I am not talking to him on his birthday

Please someone tell me how to make a change - what can I do???

Thank you for any advice (


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I like the occasional drink, too, but this guy sounds like he's got an alcohol problem. It seems a little strange that he'd celebrate his birthday with friends rather than with his pregnant wife, too. It's not your fault. While sober, he devised the plan to go out drinking with his friends and he probably intended to come home in pretty much the condition that he did. This guy is classic alcoholic and he'll be useless to anyone until he conquers his disease. There's no future in living with a substance abuser. One can't be devoted to his family and a slave to an intoxicating substance at the same time. This is one of those rare times I would recommend a forced choice. Either he gets into (and maintains) treatment or he gets out. Life is too short to spend babysitting an alcoholic. You may be willing to tolerate the abuse but are you willing to subject your helpless infant to it? What if this clown burns the house down or throws the baby in one of his inebriated rages? One baby in the house at a time is plenty. You shouldn't have to babysit an adult, too.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

I agree that there is a drinking problem involved. If it is really only once or twice a year, maybe you can just isolate and contain. IF you like your marriage otherwise, here is my advice for containing this kind of situation.

1. If he goes out "drinking", regardless of what he says, he is coming home wasted. If you don't have a lock on the bedroom door, get one. One that cannot be opened with just a utensil pushed into a hole. A real lock. 

2. When he comes home, do not in any way interact with him. Do not clean up his mess. Stay in your locked bedroom, no matter what. If he is so hammered that he is throwing up, chances are good he will pass out. It is not super likely that he asphyxiates on his own vomit. But it is a risk that HE takes. Make sure he has good life insurance.

3. Come hell or high water you do not clean up his mess. If you have to leave the house the next morning to go to family, church, mall ... whatever to use the facilities and get away from him, do it. 

Stay away a day or better yet 2 or 3 if you have family you can stay with.

Better yet, if you can go to family as soon as he walks out the door to go drinking, you and the baby when s/he comes don't have to deal with it at all. Make it incumbent upon HIM to make sure the house is ship shape before you return.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He needs to stop drinking.

You said it's not the first time it happened...what do you mean..the drinking or him pushing you and locking you out? Either way, what he is doing is WRONG. 

If he doesn't shape up or see that he's wrong, you can expect a lifetime of this behavior. The only person who can change what he does is him. That doesn't mean you have to put up with it though.


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

If he treats you like that, what do you think he will do to a helpless baby who cries & makes messes all day long???


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