# Separation from wife's porn watching, thoughts?



## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

If you look at my past couple of threads, you'll read how I discovered my wife watches porn on occasion when I'm not home. For years I've been sexually starved. She comes across has having a low to no sex drive and I have heard enough crazy excuses in the 7 years we've been married to last a lifetime. 

So, my thought process is she is not attracted to me for some reason, or is really uncomfortable with her body image to enjoy sex with another person. But she has a sex drive and rather watch hard core porn than have sex with me. I also have reason to believe she masturbates when alone. I'm sure she does when watching porn. 

So while I am suffering from lack of affection and desire toward me, she is doing all this behind my back. Despite my talks with her, she does not try to make things better. So to me, it's not just about the porn but her knowing I am not happy and her being quite content to leave me feeling this way. I feel I've lost good years of my life especially as I've felt I've been in my sexual prime and all she does is give me the bare minimum and throw me a bone 1-2 times a year to give me hope she is coming around. 

What do you guys think? How am I supposed to trust her again and feel she is sincere. She has also lied to me about other stuff which adds fuel to the fire. Anyone have similar experiences? BTW, we don't have kids.


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

I am a wife that watches porn. The reason I do it is because my husband is LD. He's on anti-depressant medication so that affects both his drive and performance. And yes, I watch porn in order to masturbate. 
My questions to you would be, has your wife communicated to you any reasons she does this? Is she missing anything from you in terms of affection, attention, intimacy, or is she missing anything specifically in the bedroom (things you aren't doing for her or things you're pressuring her into that she's not comfortable with?)? If she believes all the above are fine, than it could be that she's trying to learn how her own body works. In my early 30s I experienced my first orgasm by myself (yes, 30s!!!). But it took almost a year before I could have one with my partner. So porn allowed me to experience what I couldn't with a partner - mostly because it let me totally relax and not have to "put on a show" which is what I'd felt I was doing prior to this. I had to rethink sex entirely at this stage. PS Its so much better now that its completely reciprocal (well, when I get it - but thats my issue for another thread). So its possible she has similar issues (assuming she is happy with everything else) and just needs an outlet where she can totally relax and feel no pressure. 
You said that you've talked to her about this, so what is her response? Have you explained how unloved you are feeling?


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

I can understand your situation and can relate somewhat. Let's say she is exploring her new found sexuality, and she's only comfortable with herself, then where does that leave me? She's been this way toward me for years. She just lies there and just goes through the motions. I try to get her to do different things like she did when we dated but refuses. She does appear to orgasm but not always. So let's say she can't get what she wants from me, it's not because I don't try. It's because she extremely limits what we do in bed. 

I had a serious talk with her 2 years ago and she said nothing. She threw me a small bone to show she wanted to change but nothing came of it. Then again earlier this year and she said I was not showing her affection anymore. This was true as I went 2 or 3 months of not showing her affection because my affection well ran dry and I was tired or not getting any in return that was sincere and meaningful. Again she threw another bone to show she wanted to try but nothing came of it. But then I tried again with affection and got little in return. 

She rarely reciprocates and now I see how obvious it is she just doesn't want to have sex with me. I'm a decent looking guy with a great personality I've been told and would not have much difficulty attracting a woman. 

Anyway I just need to tell her all this and see what she says, and that I'm not taking any more BS from her


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## Lynnie1981 (Nov 9, 2014)

Nothing wrong with watching porn. From the sounds of it, you need to put your foot down and tell her what u want. If it's ruining your marriage you need to let her know or else your marriage will fail. Tell her how her watching porn is affecting your marriage.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Hurra said:


> If you look at my past couple of threads, you'll read how I discovered my wife watches porn on occasion when I'm not home. For years I've been sexually starved. She comes across has having a low to no sex drive and I have heard enough crazy excuses in the 7 years we've been married to last a lifetime.
> 
> So, my thought process is she is not attracted to me for some reason, or is really uncomfortable with her body image to enjoy sex with another person. But she has a sex drive and rather watch hard core porn than have sex with me. I also have reason to believe she masturbates when alone. I'm sure she does when watching porn.
> 
> ...


Sooo why are you still with her?
Find someone else.


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## Lynnie1981 (Nov 9, 2014)

Maybe next time you should join her. Try doing some sexy role scenes with her, then maybe she wouldn't distance herself from you! Just saying. Maybe she wants to have fun? But your not showing her enough. Get some toys or something n try having fun with her.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Dump her. Seriously she knows you're not going anywhere. You'll get all worked up and she'll put out once and you'll stay put. Easy as pie.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Maybe she is not attracted to you anymore, have you tried working out, doing hobbies, and hanging out with friends?

I don't know what your home life is?

But relationships require communication, and there seems to be lack there of.

Change your routines, and go out there and discover something new.

It will get you out of your own head.

If your not in a fulfilling relationship, then you should maybe call it quits.By the sounds of things, your in a one sided relationship anyway.


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

I've told her what I want but she doesn't listen or gives me a boat load of excuses. The fact that she watches porn and gets off on it is not my problem so long as she was an active participant in the bedroom. For the most part she is not. So I am getting the short end of the stick. I try to spice things up, especially after the porn discovery and I get shot down. When a woman says No and Stop it, you stop it. And she is serious when she says that. 

I will be talking to her but I am trying to figure out if I have justification to leave the marriage. I really don't want to waste any more of my precious life trying to work this out only to find myself in a unsatisfying see life again. Let's face facts, if she is not interested in a happy and fulfilling sex life with me or finds me unattractive, then what's the point of staying? 

As for hobbies, I have them. I do my own thing, weekend getaway 3-4 times a year with the guys, working on my bike, etc etc. I also bought new clothes, cool dress shirts etc and I got more attention from other women than my wife, ie, compliments and smiles etc. 

The home life is OK, no real fighting etc. But it feels like we are roommates. I also know she lies to me about many small things, and even manipulates me to feel bad. She has hid the fact she is on birth control for almost 2 years after telling me she would stop it given she makes me wear a condom. That in itself raises red flags. We don't have or want kids. I was hoping her stopping birth control would help her sex drive.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I don't think your going to get anywhere until she is served with divorce papers.

Well you won't know if she really wants to be married to you until you serve her either.

She may be putting you out because she may want you to end the marriage yourself.


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

Mr.Fisty said:


> I don't think your going to get anywhere until she is served with divorce papers.
> 
> Well you won't know if she really wants to be married to you until you serve her either.
> 
> She may be putting you out because she may want you to end the marriage yourself.


I don't think she wants to see the marriage end. She has it pretty good with me being her pillar of support. She sometimes says to me that I never leave her and that we will always be married etc, probably because she is nervous one day I will because of the bare minimum she gives me. She needs reassurance that I am not running out of patience. But you are right, once the word divorce or separation is mentioned, I should get a much better idea as to what she wants or is willing to do to fix it. I have seen her attempt to fix before after talks; it falls flat. 

I see it as she has the best of both worlds, gets off on porn which satisfies her sex drive where she is comfortable doing that by herself; and a husband who contributes to her comfortable lifestyle, who tolerates her lack of interest in having meaningful sex with him because she has some sort of mental barrier stemming from self-image issues around her body, which she refuses to seek psychological help to correct, and a possible fear of getting pregnant. She tries fly-by-night remedies and procedures on her body issues that are not proven to work, says she wants to exercise but doesn't, and eats a lot of junk food sometimes in secret. She still looks as hot as f&^k. Which is another thing I don't get, she wears tight fitting dresses and pants etc, dresses well above the knee, displays one hell of an ass crack when she bends over, but complains about body image issues. Some of her dresses are so tight you don't need much of an imagination to see how her ass is shaped. So given she has these issues, why does she wear such clothes??

Anyway, I know what has to be done and that is to confront her with all this.


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## imjustwatching (Jul 8, 2014)

duuuuuude your wasting your life with her for nothing ....
file for a divorce there is a lot of decent single women out ther who are looking for an healty relationship
- and by the way you having sex with her 1 or 2 times in a year is really depressing


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Hurra, I'm in the same boat as you, only I am getting even less. My wife and I were separated for a couple of years, but have been back together now for about two years and there hasn't been any form of sexual contact at all in that time. Nothing, nadda, the only time I have even seen her breasts have been if she changes clothes in the room with me. That's it.

I've discovered in the last couple of months that while my wife doesn't use porn, she does masturbate about once a week using a toy. I think my wife's situation might be similar to yours, in that she enjoys the financial and relational security I provide, without her having to commit much to the relationship itself as far as sexuality. I do believe she has a low sex drive (4-6 times a month for most women at age 30 seems low to me anyway) and I know she isn't using porn or seeing someone else. She just repeatedly says that she still isn't comfortable being sexual with me, just isn't ready, since we reconciled anyway. Before the separation however, it sounds like she was exactly like your wife. Full of excuses, once or twice a year was about all I could ever hope for.

I wish you luck, and do share if you get this figured out...


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