# Cheater's been caught....Divorce here I come!



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Well, unfortunately I caught my husband cheating last Thurs. He doesn't know that I know yet. Basically beginning of Nov he randomly out of the blue told me that he's not "in love" with me anymore and wants to do a separation in the hopes of trying to figure things out. We went through MC and for the last couple weeks my H decided to only do IC instead. We've been together for 7yrs, married for 5.5yrs, and have an 8month old.

Well I was doing some snooping on Thurs night when he wasn't home and discovered google chat message under a fake e-mail address on his computer to a woman. She sent him a picture in her sports bra and tight pants, he sent her a picture in his work out clothes. They've been together since Nov, but I don't know when it all actually started. This bastard actually spent the night with her in a hotel on my bday. My f**king bday for crying out loud. He's planning a vacation with her in 2wks. He told me that he had to go out of town for work. He has no idea that I caught him. I went to meet with a divorce lawyer on Friday. Today I going to have them start the divorce papers and once those are ready, I'm going to confront him and have him served. I am going to ask him to move out of our house because I don't want to move my daughter out of the house. If he refuses, then I'm going to move in with a friend while I get a court hearing where they will force him to move out of the house. *sigh*

Any advice for me besides the usual "take him for everything he's got"?


----------



## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Well, unfortunately I caught my husband cheating last Thurs. He doesn't know that I know yet. Basically beginning of Nov he randomly out of the blue told me that he's not "in love" with me anymore and wants to do a separation in the hopes of trying to figure things out. We went through MC and for the last couple weeks my H decided to only do IC instead. We've been together for 7yrs, married for 5.5yrs, and have an 8month old.
> 
> Well I was doing some snooping on Thurs night when he wasn't home and discovered google chat message under a fake e-mail address on his computer to a woman. She sent him a picture in her sports bra and tight pants, he sent her a picture in his work out clothes. They've been together since Nov, but I don't know when it all actually started. This bastard actually spent the night with her in a hotel on my bday. My f**king bday for crying out loud. He's planning a vacation with her in 2wks. He told me that he had to go out of town for work. He has no idea that I caught him. I went to meet with a divorce lawyer on Friday. Today I going to have them start the divorce papers and once those are ready, I'm going to confront him and have him served. I am going to ask him to move out of our house because I don't want to move my daughter out of the house. If he refuses, then I'm going to move in with a friend while I get a court hearing where they will force him to move out of the house. *sigh*
> 
> Any advice for me besides the usual "take him for everything he's got"?


You're on the right track, it's broken, and you need to exit in an advantageous position.

You have the proof that you need, now you should get the proof which would satisfy a lawyer. This upcoming business trip could be just the thing, and a good time to organise the separation of your finances.

If he's poking someone from work, this gives you massive advantage over him just shagging some naïve teenager - make sure you can prove it. Till then: keep your moves secret, and don't be tempted to boast or argue.

Talking about it will result in you dropping clues and losing your advantage.

Good luck


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Sandfly - I have written proof of everything. I have an e-mail from him to me telling me that he's leaving for work and then I have a copy of his conversation with the GF about their trip as well as e-mails that he sent to her with flight options showing those dates. Plus I have hotel confirmation from my bday that shows he was at the hotel. I have copes of their chat sessions telling each other they love each other and how happy he is with her and how she's "it" for him. Makes me sick.

She lives in a neighboring town....about 1.5hrs away from us. I think he met her through his brother's gf...I think. I believe she's younger than me and possibly doesn't have a career. My H is 38 and I'm 33. I think she may be in her late 20s from the picture I saw. My lawyer told me that I am entitled to 50% of our money, so I'm going to move that money the same day I confront him and give him divorce papers.

My biggest thing is that I am now stuck living in this town that I'm in because we're going to end up with joint custody because of the laws in this state. I have no family here but I don't have a choice.


----------



## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I'm sorry,  just make sure to take care of yourself, if you need to get on meds to sleep and to cope, do so. Also make sure you eat and exercise.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Is she married also?


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

mablenc said:


> I'm sorry,  just make sure to take care of yourself, if you need to get on meds to sleep and to cope, do so. Also make sure you eat and exercise.


I am having major problems sleeping, but I think I'll be ok. Eating is on and off for me. I will get on meds if I need to but I'm going to try to avoid that the best I can.


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Is she married also?


I'm pretty sure she isn't. By the conversations they've been having, it doesn't seem like she is. I think she's just young and naive and my H is sweeping her off of her feet with his talk. What I think he is doing is telling me to do this separation and live separately so he can have time to think and analyze the situation so maybe he'll realize he's making a mistake. Instead what he's doing is wanting to separate so he has all the free time for her without restrictions. Then if he's happy with her and they are doing good...then he'll divorce me. If he's not happy with her, then he'll come back to me. Well that's soooo not going to happen! He's narcissistic so I'm sure he thinks he's god because he's getting away with all of this.


----------



## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

I think you are doing the right thing. I'm sorry this is happening to you. It will take time and effort but eventually you will not only be over him and this, you will be better off!


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Pictureless said:


> I think you are doing the right thing. I'm sorry this is happening to you. It will take time and effort but eventually you will not only be over him and this, you will be better off!


Thank you. I hope so. I feel so many emotions right now....and have been. I keep torturing myself by reading their messages to each other. I don't know why I keep doing that. I need to stop.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Hey mine did the same thing. He couldn't be here for my birthday in 2012 because he was on a "business trip". He had a lot of weekend "business trips". They all do this kind of thing. Keep reading here, you'd be amazed to find out you're not alone.

You're doing all the right things but check with your lawyer if it's wise for you to move out. Also maybe start moving the money now. 

Hang in there. You sound like your handling things well. Sorry you find yourself here. This place is great for support and advice. Keep posting.


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Thank you. I hope so. I feel so many emotions right now....and have been. I keep torturing myself by reading their messages to each other. I don't know why I keep doing that. I need to stop.


Stop reading the messages. Print them, document them but don't torture yourself reading them


----------



## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Thank you. I hope so. I feel so many emotions right now....and have been. I keep torturing myself by reading their messages to each other. I don't know why I keep doing that. I need to stop.


Then stop doing it. Give the copies to your lawyer and then don't look at them again. It only tells you what he's doing, not why. And why doesn't matter, does it?


----------



## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

Good for you, just make sure you follow your attorney's advice. I went back and read some of your previous posts' and now I think you know why he was being so nice. It eased any guilt he may have been feeling and gave him some security in thinking that he had you fooled and could keep you as his Plan B. He is also probably using the "separation" as justification for his cheating, as it isn't really cheating if you were separated. Took a load off his mind, of course, until he finds out that you know it started before the "separation." 

My one caution for you is to be solid in your decision before confronting him. He very well may try every tactic in the book to get you back once he finds out what you know and that you are going to divorce him, but I would doubt that any of it is genuine. It will most likely be his way of keeping his Plan B open until he finds out where the affair is going.


----------



## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Sorry HB, but I am happy that you have clarity and resolve.

You might consider moving the money in the event he decides to become the sugar-daddy. It has been mentioned here a lot.

Anger can be just the motivation to move on, rather than being taken advantage of because you want to be hopeful.

Time to focus on your new life

Stretch


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

My lawyer advised that I should try to do everything in one day. Move 50% of all of our money, confront him, and serve him divorce papers. That way I have my money to protect myself. So I will do that.

No reading the messages over and over don't give me the "why" but I am learning more. Well....maybe not. I don't know why I'm doing it. I feel like I'm obsessed with trying to find more information even though I'm probably not and it doesn't really matter because I have enough information that I need.

I think this woman is a "one night stand" that he met while on a weekend trip with his brother. I'm almost positive. When he got home from this trip he told me that he's not in love with me anymore. Here's what I think happened.....

at that time, we had a 6-month old, I worked full-time, finishing up grad school, and doing 99% of the care for our daughter. We didn't have too much sex because I was so damn tired. All my attention was to my daughter. He got lonely. So when he went on trip with his brother, one night they went out and partied it up. He met girl, they hooked up, he loved the attention. He came home to me, told me he isn't in love anymore (probably to justify his actions to himself). He kept talking to her via text chats which led to phone chats, which led to weekend romp, which lead to planning this vacation with her in 2wks. I actually wrote him an e-mail (and have a copy) that during separation my expectations is that neither of us have an emotional or physical affair. If we want to do that then we must get divorced first. He wrote me back saying that wasn't a problem. So now he thinks he's in love with this girl because she's young, giving him tons of attention and boosting his ego. Once I divorce him, everything will come crumbling down for him. She'll probably end up moving here to Tucson but then real life will catch up to him. With work, maintaining his new home alone, visitations with his daughter and a new GF that doesn't know anyone in town but him.....the walls will come down on him.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Don't you for one minute try to accept responsibility for any of this. Most people on TAM work and take care of kids or parents. You were tired and took care of your child. What did he do? Was he helping? You did not stick a gun to his head and force him to reach out to another woman. If he was lonely, then he should reach out to his spouse, not some ow.
You have a young child and I recommend that you fight tooth and nail to keep the marital residence. It will likely be in the best interest of the child which needs to be your focus now. Make home too uncomfortable for him to stay, which ought to be easier once he knows that YOU know.
Hugs.


----------



## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

You're going to find out that you will rethink, relive, and wonder why over and over but still never truly understand why. Then one day you won't need to know why. Because why he did what he did doesn't matter. It's what he did that matters. You know what he did. What are you going to do about it?


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

I am going to fight to stay in our house but if he doesn't leave, how can I stay there with him? How do I make it that uncomfortable for him to make him leave?

I know why doesn't really matter because what is done is done and I'm not taking him back. I still want to know why though. You know....just to see where his mind was.

Is it crazy that I still love him? I mean, I'm pissed as hell and I'm never going to take him back.....but I still love him....miss him.


----------



## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

heartbroken0426 said:


> I am going to fight to stay in our house but if he doesn't leave, how can I stay there with him? How do I make it that uncomfortable for him to make him leave?
> 
> I know why doesn't really matter because what is done is done and I'm not taking him back. I still want to know why though. You know....just to see where his mind was.
> 
> Is it crazy that I still love him? I mean, I'm pissed as hell and I'm never going to take him back.....but I still love him....miss him.



It sounds normal to me. Give it time and you'll feel different. Love doesn't die overnight for the offended spouse. As for him, what he did shows how much he loves you now.

Could he repent and change his ways? Will he feel deep sorrow and anguish over what he's done? I don't know. Anything is possible. Will it happen? Who can tell. 

What do you want? Can you forgive him? Can you forget it? Will you ever be able to trust him again. Only you can determine these things.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

heartbroken0426 said:


> I am going to fight to stay in our house but if he doesn't leave, how can I stay there with him? How do I make it that uncomfortable for him to make him leave?
> 
> I know why doesn't really matter because what is done is done and I'm not taking him back. I still want to know why though. You know....just to see where his mind was.
> 
> Is it crazy that I still love him? I mean, I'm pissed as hell and I'm never going to take him back.....but I still love him....miss him.


While you may not want to give up exposing him and his affair, you could use that as a bargaining chip to get him out of the house. Not so much "blackmail", but... Talk to your lawyer about your options, as well. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Pictureless said:


> What do you want? Can you forgive him? Can you forget it? Will you ever be able to trust him again. Only you can determine these things.


I cannot forgive and forget. I know this will forever be branded into my brain. Because of this, I know I will never be able to take him back and try to work on it. Plus, he cheated on his ex-wife and now me....seems like he has a problem. Chances are, if I take him back he'll cheat on me again.

About trying to get him to move out....I am going to tell him that I know about the affair and tell him for the best interest of keeping things normal and stable for our daughter I want him to move out. There is nothing legally I can do to make him move out besides getting the court injunction. I want to see if he'll do it on his own first without me having to spend money to pay my lawyer and court costs to force him out.


----------



## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

heartbroken0426 said:


> I cannot forgive and forget. I know this will forever be branded into my brain. Because of this, I know I will never be able to take him back and try to work on it. Plus, he cheated on his ex-wife and now me....seems like he has a problem. Chances are, if I take him back he'll cheat on me again.
> 
> About trying to get him to move out....I am going to tell him that I know about the affair and tell him for the best interest of keeping things normal and stable for our daughter I want him to move out. There is nothing legally I can do to make him move out besides getting the court injunction. I want to see if he'll do it on his own first without me having to spend money to pay my lawyer and court costs to force him out.


I am not a lawyer, but that sounds like a good plan. Try to convince yourself that he can no longer hurt you unless you allow it.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You have a great plan and sound very 'together' about this whole mess. Just be sure to stick to your guns when he finds out what you know - most WS's will either promise the moon at that point and do everything in their power to convince you not to divorce them, or else try to turn the tables and make you think it was all YOUR fault.

The only thing I haven't seen mentioned is STD testing. You should get it.


----------



## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

Going through a similar situation. He spent my birthday, Christmas, and Christmas Eve with "her" as well. Make your arrangements and get comfortable because (chances are when you expose the affair) it's going to get ugly. Tell him that you know if you have to but prepare yourself for what you will hear. It won't be nice. He will say anything he can to justify why he is doing what he is doing. Bottom line is - there is no justifying an extra-marital affair. Go no contact after you expose what you know to him in order to protect yourself and your feelings.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

I wouldn't tell him about the affair. If he asks why you are divorcing him, just look him in the eye and say, "you tell me."

You are employing the right strategy. The combination you are going to punch him with will reduce him to jelly even if he is infatuated with her.

He cheated on his first wife and now you? Sounds like a poor prospect for rehabilitation. Sorry, you're here.


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

So new info from last night. The dumb a** is actually looking up jobs to move to the city where the girl lives!!!! Are you freaking kidding me? He's in the military with only 7yrs to retire. He's willing to give that up to take a govt service job and push his retirement back. Oh my freaking gosh....what would make him do this? He would be leaving his daughter if he did this. What is wrong with this idiot?



Pictureless - I will try

LongWalk - I plan on starting off the conversation asking him again if he's having an affair and what happened in Dallas (where he met her) to make him all of the sudden want to separate. If he continues to disregard me and not tell me the truth, then I'll just say "tell me about Laura". That's the b**ch's name
I think I am definitely punch him and reduce him to jelly. I think he is probably getting high off of the power of thinking that he has his wife on the side pawning over him and sleeping and planning vacations with another women. He probably thinks he's god for pulling this off. It makes me feel powerful know that I get to knock him down
Nope....no prospect for rehab. If I take him back.....he'll probably do it to me again. He's probably going to do it to his new GF too if they continue being with each other.

ICLH - I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. It hurts, doesn't it?

Hope - I am calling my doc today to get tested. I've only had sex with him once since his trip where he met her because he wanted to separate and moved into another room. I hope and pray I'm clean. I'm so disgusted by this. I will be beyond pissed off if he tries to blame it on me...very possible that he will though.


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

heartbroken0426 said:


> I will be beyond pissed off if he tries to blame it on me...very possible that he will though.


He will. They always do. Especially serial cheaters. Its nothing to do with their shortcomings as to why they cheat, always has to do with whatever the BS "did wrong" in their mind. They have to keep blaming the BS and justifying their actions or they wouldn't be able to do what they do so effortlessly. 

I bet you will hear alot of the same reasons as to why he cheated on you repeated as to why he stepped out on his first wife.


----------



## FC Dynamite (Sep 23, 2013)

You've been given plenty of good advice, so I will have none to provide, but I will offer some comfort.

Your not alone. Lot's of us have been cheated on and it's one of the most devastating things one can experience. However, when you come through on the flip side of this, it helps to know that you will be a better and stronger person, while he has to deal with the fact he's destroyed his life when he comes out of the fog.


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

FC Dynamite said:


> You've been given plenty of good advice, so I will have none to provide, but I will offer some comfort.
> 
> Your not alone. Lot's of us have been cheated on and it's one of the most devastating things one can experience. However, when you come through on the flip side of this, it helps to know that you will be a better and stronger person, while he has to deal with the fact he's destroyed his life when he comes out of the fog.


Thank you for your words. I know you're right and I know deep deep down I will be ok but it's just hard right now to believe it. I just can't believe that he is capable of going to these lengths to cheat on me and being so in love with this woman to be willing to give up his relationship with his infant daughter and military retirement just to be with her. It makes me sick.

I also worry about my daughter having a step dad. Are men capable of loving a step child like that child was their own? What about step mom? If my H settles down with another woman and wants to have a relationship with his daughter, how is the step mom going to be with my daughter? Is my daughter going to be messed up emotionally for the rest of her life because of all this?


----------



## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Nope....no prospect for rehab. If I take him back.....he'll probably do it to me again. He's probably going to do it to his new GF too.


You can put money on that, guaranteed.

Stretch


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

heartbroken0426 said:


> So new info from last night. *The dumb a** is actually looking up jobs to move to the city where the girl lives!!!! Are you freaking kidding me? He's in the military with only 7yrs to retire. He's willing to give that up to take a govt service job and push his retirement back. Oh my freaking gosh....what would make him do this? He would be leaving his daughter if he did this. What is wrong with this idiot?*
> 
> *So this kind of clears things for you to try and move back where your family is with your daughter. Legally, of course...*
> 
> ...


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

I so agree with 3x - the less emotion you can show the better. Don't tell him you know about the affair - just drop the evidence onto him then just walk away and leave his presence. Stay silent, try to show no tears, no anger, no emotion what so ever. 

Also, another suggestion. Before serving him, make sure your lawyer draws up an "exclusive use and possession of marital home" document. It would give you sole use of the home until the divorce was finalized forcing him to move out temporarily. 

Its going to get ugly and he will more than likely dig his heals in just to spite you. Maybe not, but might as well have that "sole use and possession" document so he has no legal ground.


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Ya if he actually does move to be with her then he'll have to give me sole custody and I can move back to my family. 

The thing though is that he cheated on his ex-wife and when she filed for divorce, he begged her and did everything he could to get her back. If he repeats that with me, then I doubt he'll move to be with his gf....or maybe that'll push him to move? I don't know.

So regarding confronting him. He's going on vacation with her next week. The divorce papers won't be ready before then. I want to tell him that I know before he leaves for vacation. I want him to possibly have a miserable time on vacation with her. I don't want him to go there, have fun, have tons of sex and feel like life is good because he's having fun with her and has his wife at home in the dark. That's why I want to tell him now.


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Oh and the sole use and possession document can take up to 6wks to get a court hearing. So I'm hoping he's man enough to move but if not, then I'll have my lawyer draw up the papers to file right away. I hope he'll move and I can save the lawyer costs and court costs.


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Could just send him a text while he is gone saying "Tell Laura your wife says hello. Oh btw, I'm telling you goodbye!" then go completely dark when he tries to get answers from you. 

Talk about sh!tting bricks!


----------



## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

He destroyed his first marriage by cheating and obviously didn't learn his lesson. That's alarming. Tell him you know about the affair before vacation. Knock his [email protected] in the dirt.


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Can you cancel his reservations?


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Well it's happening tonight. I was making some changes on our bank account and I think he's suspicious. So I wired the money and he's actually in the bank right now. Not sure if he noticed. So I guess the conversation is happening tonight. God give me strength to get through this!


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> Can you cancel his reservations?


No...I don't know where he's going unfortunately.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

soccermom2three said:


> Can you cancel his reservations?


Omg, THIS would be epic!


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Or cancel the credit card he's using. Report it stolen.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

If you're doing this tonight, go ahead and tell him you know about the affair but don't give him the evidence. Keep that for your attorney and the divorce. Just tell him you know and are taking appropriate action. Then go completely stoney-cold dark on him. Do the 180. Let him see that you will, and can, move on with your life without him. Good luck


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Pluto2 said:


> If you're doing this tonight, go ahead and tell him you know about the affai*r but don't give him the evidence. Keep that for your attorney and the divorce. Just tell him you know and are taking appropriate action.* Then go completely stoney-cold dark on him. Do the 180. Let him see that you will, and can, move on with your life without him. Good luck


:iagree:

Don't hand over your evidence just yet. 

Are you in a no fault state? Just curious.


----------



## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Heartbroken,
I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation.
I wish I would have done exactly what you are doing! I was stupid, weak, and trusting. XWW lied to me for years and several D days, while we were in a false reconciliation. She dragged me through hell and in the end, I ended up divorcing her anyway. I wasted 3 years of my life buying her BS. It is best to just get it over with all at once. Save yourself the added pain and emotional stress. The sooner its over...the sooner you will heal. 

Hang in there and stay strong! Remember, you are just reacting to his stupid choices...this is all on him.


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Thanks everyone...I know I'm making the right decision but it is so hard. I just need tonight's conversation to be done with and I know that will finally be the beginning of the end...I just need to survive!

I don't know if he's using his card or her card. He could be using her card and just paying her cash for the expense. If he's using one of his cards, he's the only signer on that card, so I can't cancel it. I'm trying not to be nasty to him because I want the divorce to be as amicable as possible...if that is even possible. Why fight when you can be nice? Plus....in the end, no one...not even him can run my name and character through the mud by saying I was nasty.

My state is a no-fault state. His affair has no bearing on child custody. It also has no bearing on alimony because I make about the same amount of money he does. So it really doesn't matter that I have this evidence unfortunately.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Are you SURE about doing this tonight? Just because he was at the bank doesnt mean he has a clue.


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

I've already moved the money....has to be tonight. Plus...I need to do this for myself. It's driving me crazy that I know about this and not saying anything. I can't do it anymore. For my sanity...I just can't. Doing this tonight will finally be the beginning of the end for me. I need it.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You can do this, I know from your posts that you can. Just remember to not believe anything he tells you, he's a pos and a liar. It's in his interests to hang on to you while he sees if sk$nk can work out, then he'll clean you out and dump you. Treat this pr!ck like your personal enemy; true he is the father of your kids and you won't get in the way of that, but he's your enemy and will f!ck you over as soon as it benefits him to do so. Stay strong sister, and show him absolutely no emotion. Positive thoughts your way..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Thanks everyone! I'll update this post tomorrow with how it all went down. Send good vibes to me for the next couple hours!!


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

How are you doing today?


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Hi Everyone,

Well the conversation went better than I thought. We ended up talking for 4hrs. My H has realized (or beginning to realize) that he has major childhood issues that he has never addressed or received help for which is causing him to act this way. He has agreed that he really needs to go to counseling and get help and change his ways. He is being amicable and doesn't want to fight. The only thing he is asking for is time with our daughter, which I will give to him.

I feel better. Having the conversation with him has released me of the anger that I've been feeling. I'm sad and I'm hurt, but I don't think I'm angry anymore....at least right now.

Time to heal and move forward.


----------



## Mike11 (Aug 25, 2011)

Are you still set on Divorce ? did he agree to stop the affair or is this a done deal 

You have handled it better than many of us well done


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Mike11 said:


> Are you still set on Divorce ? did he agree to stop the affair or is this a done deal
> 
> You have handled it better than many of us well done


In talking to him last night and him realizing and admitting many things about himself, I found myself feeling sorry and thinking that maybe we have a chance...maybe. I can't let myself do that though. I don't know if I could ever fully trust him again. He said he felt justified in seeking feelings from another woman because he didn't love me anymore but then at the same time he told me that he sees me as his friend and someone that he can be completely himself with without any masks or fronts like he is with other people. He has so much potential to be such a wonderful loving amazing man. He just needs to face the demons of his childhood.

Would you take someone back like this?


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Nope.
He is STILL not taking responsibility for his infidelity.
"Oh, my childhood made me do it." Please.
Its telling that he admitted he felt justified in cheating because he no longer loved you. IMO, there is no justification for cheating. The thing is, he chose to cheat rather than end the relationship. So what would stop that from happening again. Nothing if you don't give him some consequences.
The harsh advice I have to give is to proceed with a divorce, even if you think you want to reconcile. Condition any R on his doing major IC, giving you full transparency for his actions and communications. If you are correct and he can face his childhood demons you can always pull the plug on the divorce. In the meantime, you and your child are protected.
Did he give up the trip?


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> Nope.
> He is STILL not taking responsibility for his infidelity.
> "Oh, my childhood made me do it." Please.
> Its telling that he admitted he felt justified in cheating because he no longer loved you. IMO, there is no justification for cheating. The thing is, he chose to cheat rather than end the relationship. So what would stop that from happening again. Nothing if you don't give him some consequences.
> ...


He isn't using his childhood to justify cheating. The childhood demons is in reference to other areas of his life that needs to be fixed. 

I agree there is no justification for cheating. He couldn't really give me a straight answer as to why he didn't divorce me first or even why he asked to go to MC with me. He said he wanted to got o MC with me because he wasn't sure if he was making the right decision about separating and he was confused. So that whole part still really confuses me. I agree though...who's to say that he won't do it to me again? He very well can.

I don't know if he's going to maintain his relationship with this OW and still go on vacation with her next week. He did admit that their talking back and forth is all fluff and that he knows she's really just flirting with him and trying to boost him up to feel good. He admitted that it felt good getting that from her.

I am still moving forward with the divorce. I met with the lawyer today who is starting the paperwork.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

heartbroken0426 said:


> In talking to him last night and him realizing and admitting many things about himself, I found myself feeling sorry and thinking that maybe we have a chance...maybe. I can't let myself do that though. I don't know if I could ever fully trust him again. He said he felt justified in seeking feelings from another woman because he didn't love me anymore but then at the same time he told me that he sees me as his friend and someone that he can be completely himself with without any masks or fronts like he is with other people. He has so much potential to be such a wonderful loving amazing man. He just needs to face the demons of his childhood.
> 
> Would you take someone back like this?


NOPE. He is a serial cheater. He felt JUSTIFIED having an affair...SERIOUSLY??? That alone is a big, fat NO! Dont get sucked into his poor me pity party. You will be nothing but sorry if you do!


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> NOPE. He is a serial cheater. He felt JUSTIFIED having an affair...SERIOUSLY??? That alone is a big, fat NO! Dont get sucked into his poor me pity party. You will be nothing but sorry if you do!


I know....I keep reminding myself of that. What sucks is that if he does pursue getting help and really works on it and makes himself better....he's going to be better for the next woman he meets.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

heartbroken0426 said:


> I know....I keep reminding myself of that. What sucks is that if he does pursue getting help and really works on it and makes himself better....he's going to be better for the next woman he meets.


And that's fine, because YOU will still be better off! You will have your own amazing man in your life by then and he will be a bad memory you shake your head in amazement at.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

heartbroken0426 said:


> He isn't using his childhood to justify cheating. The childhood demons is in reference to other areas of his life that needs to be fixed.
> 
> I agree there is no justification for cheating. He couldn't really give me a straight answer as to why he didn't divorce me first or even why he asked to go to MC with me. He said he wanted to got o MC with me because he wasn't sure if he was making the right decision about separating and he was confused. So that whole part still really confuses me. I agree though...who's to say that he won't do it to me again? He very well can.
> 
> ...


You have absolutely ever right to insist that the relationship with the OW end. Even, even, even if he's not sleeping with her, (don't believe him) he is still engaged in an inappropriate extra-marital relationship with the woman. His emotional relationship with her has crossed the matrimonial line. He knows it, or he wouldn't have kept it hidden. In other words, he's still cheating and he knows it, and he likes it.
Honestly, he is following the script.
If something he said isn't adding up, like the MC bit, chances are he's still lying about something.
I'm glad you are holding firm on the D. If you are correct and he gets his ac together, then by all means have a joyous meaningful R. But the only way that can happen is if everyone's eyes are wide open and that means you have full disclosure, true remorse, and he's out of the cheater fog.


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

FYI - Serial cheaters rarely, if ever change. They never want to look at themselves long enough to fix the issues that need to be fixed. Maybe they will look for a few IC sessions or a few self help books or a few this or that. But they will never commit the time and effort needed to heal those hurts of the past.


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

You are all right...I know. My brain tells me this is all true...my heart tells me different. I still love the guy...I don't know why I do but I do.

I'm going to continue the divorce process and planned. I'm not going to give into him. IF he goes to counseling and I see positive changes, then great. He may not even want to R with me...who the heck knows. I guess I'll cross that bridge when it comes. Until then....move forward with D and make myself happy and healthy. I have to keep reminding myself of that....I have to.


----------



## Mike11 (Aug 25, 2011)

Well done heartbroken, in any case I would do the same 

if he comes around and change his ways you can always date after which will be less riskier then taking him back like that 

Stay Strong Heartbroken


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Ugh....I'm having such a hard time right now. I'm so sad....I miss him so much. At the same time, I keep replaying our long talk in my head and I keep picturing him in bed with this woman. What is wrong with me? Why am I doing that? How do I stop?

I haven't eaten more than a few bites of food in the last week. I think I'm getting sick. My body aches, my throat hurts, I'm so tired. I felt so strong about all of this before and now I feel weaker and weaker.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You are in shock, if not literally, then at least emotionally. Could I recommend that you go see your MD, tell them what's going on, and see about anti-depressants. I know it seems extreme, but this is a huge life event and everybody needs help. The other thing that helps is some exercise. So walk (and if its too cold where you are go to a mall and walk), or go to a gym. You are diverting your mind for a short period and helping your body deal with stress. I promise it gets better, but it does take time.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Ugh....I'm having such a hard time right now. I'm so sad....I miss him so much. At the same time, I keep replaying our long talk in my head and I keep picturing him in bed with this woman. What is wrong with me? Why am I doing that? How do I stop?
> 
> I haven't eaten more than a few bites of food in the last week. I think I'm getting sick. My body aches, my throat hurts, I'm so tired. I felt so strong about all of this before and now I feel weaker and weaker.



Hon, there's nothing wrong with you, you're in withdrawl like a heroin addict. You had a life with him; it was a lousy life but it was a life, and you're mourning it's loss. You have to withdraw; it will pass. If you go back it'll be like going back to heroin use; you'll have the life you knew but it will still suck, and eventually it will take you down. He'll still have other women and you'll still be miserable. Get through the withdrawl and your life will pick up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Follow through with regardless of whether are willing to consider R. You need control. He needs consequences.

Re: step dads
Always a challenge, but if you have self esteem and happiness, you will attract the right sort of men. It takes time to make certain someone is ok.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Thanks guys. All of your words are helping and making me realize that I'm not the only one who has gone through these crazy emotions. I'm going to keep reading your words....posting on here and try to get through it. One day at a time....one day at a time...one day at a time...


----------



## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Thanks guys. All of your words are helping and making me realize that I'm not the only one who has gone through these crazy emotions. I'm going to keep reading your words....posting on here and try to get through it. One day at a time....one day at a time...one day at a time...


i am going through these similar feelings and i feel your pain. i felt reading the books people have recommened has been helpful. So far I have read, Awareness, NMMNG and Co dependent no more. Perhaps you may want to pick up a few to help you cope.


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

unbe said:


> i am going through these similar feelings and i feel your pain. i felt reading the books people have recommened has been helpful. So far I have read, Awareness, NMMNG and Co dependent no more. Perhaps you may want to pick up a few to help you cope.


I'm sorry that you are going through the same emotions. Being on this TAM site makes me really question humanity. What is wrong with people? How can people hurt one another like this? What happened to kindness, love, humility, morals, ethics, etc? Looks like there isn't much of that anymore unfortunately.

Stay strong...that's all I can say. I have no advice for you since this is all the beginning for me. I'll take a look at those books you recommended. Thank you


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

My idiot STBXH is still carrying on his affair and thinks it's ok that he had/is having an affair and that his affair is justified because he supposedly doesn't love me and hasn't love me for years if he ever did actually love me. Really? Really? WTF?


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

heartbroken0426 said:


> My idiot STBXH is still carrying on his affair and thinks it's ok that he had/is having an affair and that his affair is justified because he supposedly doesn't love me and hasn't love me for years if he ever did actually love me. Really? Really? WTF?


Well, all I can say is, that you now can see that what he told you the other night was, for lack of a better word, bs.

Like many say here, trust people's actions not their words.

Focus on yourself. Move forward with the D. And work on getting to a happy life for yourself and your child.

Sorry you are here and going through this.

"Tough times never last, but tough people do." - Robert H Schuller

“When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.” – Henry Ford


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

heartbroken0426 said:


> My idiot STBXH is still carrying on his affair and thinks it's ok that he had/is having an affair and that his affair is justified because he supposedly doesn't love me and hasn't love me for years if he ever did actually love me. Really? Really? WTF?


BREATHE. I know its maddening, but it no longer matters. You are on to better things. SO JUST BREATHE.


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Knotted - thanks for the quote "Tough times never last, but tough people do." - Robert H Schuller I'm going to put it on a sticky note in my car at on my monitor at work to look at and give me strength!

3X - I know....I'm kind've flipping out over this. It's crazy how one day I'm mad, then next I'm crying uncontrollably (last night) and today I'm mad again.

My STBXH now wants to talk about what went wrong in our marriage. Part of me wants to know what he felt like went wrong that he's doing this to me but the other part of me wants to say f**k you....go talk to a therapist because I want to move on. Any thoughts?


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Don't see how you can talk to someone about what went wrong when they've had multiple affairs, are still having them, and supposedly never loved you. Sounds like something to make him feel better. Wish him luck and tell him to f$ck off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Listen to "the other part of me" and tell him to go find a therapist.
The "whys" from his point of view are nothing but oceans of bile.
There is nothing that happened to him or in your marriage that will "justify" his actions.
I understand the sad/mad roller-coaster ride you are on. It takes a while to get over that. My D is final and I'm not always past it.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Knotted - thanks for the quote "Tough times never last, but tough people do." - Robert H Schuller I'm going to put it on a sticky note in my car at on my monitor at work to look at and give me strength!
> 
> 3X - I know....I'm kind've flipping out over this. It's crazy how one day I'm mad, then next I'm crying uncontrollably (last night) and today I'm mad again.
> 
> My STBXH now wants to talk about what went wrong in our marriage. Part of me wants to know what he felt like went wrong that he's doing this to me but the other part of me wants to say f**k you....go talk to a therapist because I want to move on. Any thoughts?


Yeah. Quotes really help give me the strength I need sometimes.

I feel the same way and it's been months for me. It's harder I think when you see the person every day and are in the same house with them because it's harder to avoid them, heal, evaluate, and well, move on.

My take on the talk is, don't do it. When my STBXH and I do/did that it becomes a - "this is what you did wrong tirade." Doesn't help at all. If he needs to talk to someone tell him to go to a therapist and if you can afford one, I would say go to a therapist as well, for yourself.

I would say do things that are going to help you move forward and be happy.


----------



## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

No guarantee but it happens here a lot. They awake from the fog (usually when they get dumped) and come running back.

I hope at that point in time you are able to make a decision from a position of strength, knowing that you can make it on your own and have the courage to walk away if that is what you want.

Pessimistically, I just do not have any confidence that these folks will not hurt us again.

Hope you heal a little bit each day,
Stretch


----------



## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Well, unfortunately I caught my husband cheating last Thurs. He doesn't know that I know yet. *Basically beginning of Nov he randomly out of the blue told me that he's not "in love" with me anymore and wants to do a separation in the hopes of trying to figure things out.* We went through MC and for the last couple weeks my H decided to only do IC instead. We've been together for 7yrs, married for 5.5yrs, and have an 8month old.


You did the right thing by looking into it. When somebody knows more about a subject than me, I bow to the experts, so I'll go by what Willard Harley, author of His Needs Her Needs said:

"I've seen so many spouses lie about affairs, that when one spouse wants a separation, my best guess is that he or she is having an affair. I'm right almost every time."

Coping with Infidelity: Beginning (Part 1)


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Can someone explain this "fog" thing to me better?


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Don't see how you can talk to someone about what went wrong when they've had multiple affairs, are still having them, and supposedly never loved you. Sounds like something to make him feel better. Wish him luck and tell him to f$ck off.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Yes. He turned your confrontation conversation into a "poor me, my terrible childhood made me do it" conversation. Total deflection and manipulation so you feel sorry for him. 

My husband and his brothers had a crappy childhood. Horrible verbal abuse and name calling. They could ended up total screw ups but they rose above it. I don't know how they did it but all three brothers ended up being great husbands and fathers. I guess it's all about choices. They are strong men and choose to actively be the opposite of their father. 

Your husband appears to be a very weak man. You are Probably better off without him.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Knotted - thanks for the quote "Tough times never last, but tough people do." - Robert H Schuller I'm going to put it on a sticky note in my car at on my monitor at work to look at and give me strength!
> 
> 3X - I know....I'm kind've flipping out over this. It's crazy how one day I'm mad, then next I'm crying uncontrollably (last night) and today I'm mad again.
> 
> My STBXH now wants to talk about what went wrong in our marriage. Part of me wants to know what he felt like went wrong that he's doing this to me but the other part of me wants to say f**k you....go talk to a therapist because I want to move on. Any thoughts?


My thoughts? Tell him that his seeking (and finding) homosexual and bisexual relationships on Craigslist is all you can come up with. Everything else is fluff. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

PBear said:


> My thoughts? Tell him that his seeking (and finding) homosexual and bisexual relationships on Craigslist is all you can come up with. Everything else is fluff.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't understand what you mean by this? He never found homosexual or bisexual relationships on Craigslist?


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

heartbroken0426 said:


> I don't understand what you mean by this? He never found homosexual or bisexual relationships on Craigslist?


Wrong thread. Sometimes it gets difficult to keep them straight.


----------



## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Can someone explain this "fog" thing to me better?


I'll tell you what I know - there are those who know more about it. It is the fog they get into once they decide to cheat, where they can justify their actions. It seems they are also able to justify giving up everything in their life-spouse, children, parents, siblings, etc. When the new wears off or they get dumped, at least some of them come out of the fog and realize what they have done. Usually by then it is too late. Their spouse has moved on.


----------



## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

yeah, that talk he wants to have is most likely to make him feel better. He wants to tell you all the things that you did to make him have an affair. He wants to shift his guilt onto you. Don't do it - it is just going to hurt you more than you already are.

Now, if the affair was over and he was majorly depressed, then I might give it a try, but this soon - he is out to hurt you.


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

littlejaz said:


> yeah, that talk he wants to have is most likely to make him feel better. He wants to tell you all the things that you did to make him have an affair. He wants to shift his guilt onto you. Don't do it - it is just going to hurt you more than you already are.
> 
> Now, if the affair was over and he was majorly depressed, then I might give it a try, but this soon - he is out to hurt you.


Ya....you're probably right. We have been concentrating on him this whole time because...well let's face it....it's his fault. I'm not saying that I was perfect in our relationship because I know I wasn't. I know there were things that I should have fixed. This is all his fault though because he chose to never talk to me about his unhappiness, he acted like he was fine and then went and has an affair. So you're right....of course he's trying to shift his guilt to me to make himself feel a little better...to help him solidify his justifications a little more.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

heartbroken0426 said:


> I don't understand what you mean by this? He never found homosexual or bisexual relationships on Craigslist?


Sorry. My bad. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Also.....they tell each other they love each other. Do you really think that's true? Do they really love each other? 

When I confronted my H, I made a comment about the OW saying that his "big you know what will keep her satisfied and happy". He said that she was just saying that to boost him up and make him feel good. He says this after he already told me that the weekend they spent together they didn't have sex because he couldn't perform. So they did other things. So why continue this affair and stay in the fog knowing its fake?


----------



## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

They don't love each other. It's just the chemical reaction in their little brains that has taken over. As soon as that "love high" wears off it will be a whole new ballgame. Their unrealistic reality will be real and they will actually have to function as adults to keep their relationship alive. Too much baggage that hasn't been dealt with already (as far as he goes at least) to have a successful and truly loving relationship with her.


----------



## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

What is fortunate about the "fog" is that we aren't living in it. We are moving forward and dealing with our issues and growing as people. This fog just stunts their growth. My husband is in a fog. There is nothing I can do and I don't try. I am just thankful that it's him and not me. What a harsh reality to wake up to after the fog clears.


----------



## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

HB,

Please focus on you. I only care about you. Did you see someone that caught your eye at lunch? Did you have a good time having a glass of wine with a friend?

D-bags have their own irrational support groups they don't our comments.

I know it is so hard but you have to focus on you so you can heal.

Be strong,
Stretch


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

I'm so caught up in this and so distressed about this whole thing that I don't know how to focus on myself. I seriously go from pissed to sad and crying from minute to minute. He wants to talk about the problems in our marriage now and I know it's too late and it doesn't matter but I still want to know. I'm curious... I want him to heal for our daughters sake. I don't want him to continue this destructive pattern because next time he does something like this to wife #3, our daughter will be old enough to be attached to the wife and feel the hurt.


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Stretch - I can't even begin to think about another man. They'll take one look at my red puffy eyes and run the other direction! My heart hurts so bad


----------



## gigi888 (Oct 6, 2013)

heartbroken0426 said:


> I'm so caught up in this and so distressed about this whole thing that I don't know how to focus on myself. I seriously go from pissed to sad and crying from minute to minute. He wants to talk about the problems in our marriage now and I know it's too late and it doesn't matter but I still want to know. I'm curious... I want him to heal for our daughters sake. I don't want him to continue this destructive pattern because next time he does something like this to wife #3, our daughter will be old enough to be attached to the wife and feel the hurt.


The only person that can help him is himself. If he really want to work on his issue, then he should go see a therapist. Some part of you is still holding on to him and you need to let it go. At least let it go for now, if he make major changes you can decide later, but it is a journey he have to take on his own and not drag you along the way.


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

I'm going to try my hardest to disengage.


----------



## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

We know this is incredibly difficult. It's all uncharted waters and most of the time we are telling things you already know. 

We are going to keep telling you to help you stay on track and move towards your future.

You know trying to get answers as to why they leave is nearly 100% common for us but I will give you an insight that I hope helps.

Your WAS is not going to tell you the truth. They are going to spin everything to blame you, make themselves feel justified and ease their guilt.

That is the basis for what many of us do. We make our own honest assessment of how we could have been better partners and we make those changes for ourselves. I feel great for the personal changes I have made and anyone who I choose to be with will be the recipient of those positive changes. You can feel great about who you become from this difficult time in your life.

One minute, one day, one healing week at a time.

Stretch


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

I know you're right Stretch but it's so damn hard. This morning...I passed out in the shower. I didn't get hurt or anything...I could feel myself getting light headed so I sat down and passed out. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I constantly have a headache. My jaw is locked when I wake up every morning because I clench it all night. I feel strong one minute and then bawl my eyes out the next, then royally pissed right after. I just don't know how to survive this. I feel like I should just move on and meet someone else to be distracted but I know that's wrong. I just don't know what to do.


----------



## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

HB I'm right there with you. 

The last hour has been hell. I'm feeling sad and alone. I just have to take it.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

heartbroken0426 said:


> I know you're right Stretch but it's so damn hard. This morning...I passed out in the shower. I didn't get hurt or anything...I could feel myself getting light headed so I sat down and passed out. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I constantly have a headache. My jaw is locked when I wake up every morning because I clench it all night. I feel strong one minute and then bawl my eyes out the next, then royally pissed right after. I just don't know how to survive this. I feel like I should just move on and meet someone else to be distracted but I know that's wrong. I just don't know what to do.


You WILL get through this, I promise. So many of us have been there, and are still here and kicking! And yes, meeting someone else would be big time unfair to that other person, so take that thought out of your mind.


----------



## gigi888 (Oct 6, 2013)

HB - I am so sorry to hear you are not doing well today. I am concern about your health as you are not eating. Please go see a doctor as you are going through depression. You probably need some anti-depressant to help you go through this rough time.

First thing is to go grab something to eat. Not a lot but just something small. Your body won't be able to handle large amount of the food at the moment so just start with very small portion and eat something small every couple of hours.

Hugs.......


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

3X - I know you're right but it's very hard to believe. I did, however, have a good IC session about an hour ago. Therapist made me realize that if I jump into something with someone else too quickly, I'm going to sacrifice qualities that I think are important in a man and then become codependent like I did with my current husband. So instead, we're going to work on my self-esteem and how to stop me from becoming too hard and closed off for future mates.

gigi - I actually ate a little bit today! I had a muffin this morning and a little bit of hummus this afternoon. I really don't want to get on any pills. I'd like to avoid that unless absolutely necessary. I just need to get a grip on myself and not let the bad days consuming me.


----------



## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Way to regroup HB. Stay focused. I know how it is to slip. It's ok and to be expected.

What I learned today: marriage doesn't make you happy, and divorce doesn't solve problems.


----------



## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

HB -- From my own experience, proper nutrition, exercise, and sleep will make your life so much easier. It all starts with eating right, but getting in a little exercise (20-30 minutes a day, it can be a simple as walking or taking the stairs at work) will do wonders to help with sleep. It may not take away your pain, but it will help you to be in the proper frame of mind to deal constructively with it. Take care of yourself so you can take care of your daughter and deal with things.


----------



## gigi888 (Oct 6, 2013)

HB - I understand as I am too not taking any meds. My doc told me to take 2g of fish oil everyday and exercising to help regulate your moods. I just started so not sure if it really works or not. Just another option for you to consider.


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

I am going to start exercising tonight actually. My STBXH leaves town today for work (and his gf may or may not be joining him). He won't be back until Monday. I think every night after my daughter goes to bed, I'm going to do at least 15min on the arch trainer that we have. It's not a lot, but at least it's something. I'm also going to go tonight to buy a bunch of fruit. I love fruit and if I'm only eating a little bit, then at least the little I'm eating is healthy and will give me energy. I have been taking tylenol pm at night a couple times to help me sleep. I did notice that if I slept good, I woke up feeling stronger and better.

Gigi - I do have fish oil. I'll start taking it. Thanks for the tip.


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Any advice on how to not obsess about what my STBXH is doing with the OW? He left town today for work and from the e-mails and chats that I read between him and the OW, I knew that she was supposed to join him on his trip. They were in the process of planning it out. He told me between last night and this morning that he knows he's not in the right mindframe to meet someone and pursue a relationship and that he knows he needs to work on himself a lot first and that the OW isn't going with him on his work trip but I don't believe him. I know it doesn't matter if she's there or not but it still bothers me. How do I let go of wanting to know?


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

HB, I'm so glad your IC went well. This will help keep you grounded. From now on, focus on you. You will take care of you and that means eating and exercising and sleeping for now. You cannot take care of your daughter is you are a mess (you are not a mess). Fruit is fabulous and put some cheese or humus in there for some protein. 
Know now that you will have days when you feel like crap. It will pass. Then the number of times those days show up will decrease. It is a process and you are not going through it alone.


----------



## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Any advice on how to not obsess about what my STBXH is doing with the OW? He left town today for work and from the e-mails and chats that I read between him and the OW, I knew that she was supposed to join him on his trip. They were in the process of planning it out. He told me between last night and this morning that he knows he's not in the right mindframe to meet someone and pursue a relationship and that he knows he needs to work on himself a lot first and that the OW isn't going with him on his work trip but I don't believe him. I know it doesn't matter if she's there or not but it still bothers me. How do I let go of wanting to know?


this is a tough one because I'm struggling with it too you just have to realize no matter what you think it's not going to change what is happening. whenever I start reliving I try to stop myself by thinking about what I want to do for me in the future.


----------



## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

I'd also recommend to stop reading email and texts. These are driving you insane and keeping you stuck. 

Believe me. 

You will not turn this around for yourself as long as you continue to be plugged in to his affair. He's a proven liar - everything he says and does. There's nothing else that matters. 

Give yourself a break from this and unplug from this clown and his sketchy drama. Do this for yourself.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Focus on your daughter. She is the one deserving of your attention.

I'm surprised your husband hasn't expressed fear of having his adultery outed at work. The military frowns on their members being adulterers.


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Focus on your daughter. She is the one deserving of your attention.
> 
> I'm surprised your husband hasn't expressed fear of having his adultery outed at work. The military frowns on their members being adulterers.


I did ask him about that and he said that the military doesn't waste their time trying to investigate adultery because it's heresay and most people don't have actual proof that it is happening. I, however, have chat messages between the two. I'm not going to ruin his career though. As mad and hurt as I am, I don't want to do that. He's worked his a** off to achieve a great career.


----------



## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

heartbroken0426 said:


> I did ask him about that and he said that the military doesn't waste their time trying to investigate adultery because it's heresay and most people don't have actual proof that it is happening. I, however, have chat messages between the two. I'm not going to ruin his career though. As mad and hurt as I am, I don't want to do that. He's worked his a** off to achieve a great career.


Yes good thoughts here. I see many people here suggest trying to upset the cheaters job, but its always a bad idea IMO. You wouldn't be well served by destroying your husbands ability to pay child support or legal fees. Split the assets and move on with your life. Cheaters never stop cheating or stop thinking about cheating because they are programmed that way. Don't fool yourself into thinking you can reprogram him or he can suddenly change. Admit that you misjudged him and go find someone with integrity and character.


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Enginerd - I agree!

Alright....well tonight is my first night in my home alone. my STBXH is gone for work and won't be back until Monday. Wish me luck! Thank gosh I have my beautiful daughter. Without her...I don't know what I'd do.


----------



## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Enginerd said:


> Yes good thoughts here. I see many people here suggest trying to upset the cheaters job, but its always a bad idea IMO. You wouldn't be well served by destroying your husbands ability to pay child support or legal fees. Split the assets and move on with your life. Cheaters never stop cheating or stop thinking about cheating because they are programmed that way. Don't fool yourself into thinking you can reprogram him or he can suddenly change. Admit that you misjudged him and go find someone with integrity and character.


Just a difference of opinion, but I think he will continue to do what he wants, disrespect you and your daughter and fight like hell to give you nothing as long as you let him do it.

Expose him to his employer and his family and the OW to her employer and family. He is going to have to pay what he has to pay no matter what you do and his goal will be to pay as little as possible.

A romantic weekend getaway and you are following it text by text and email by email? You must really hate yourself? I could not deal with that and I would not voluntarily expose myself to the hurt. Your H is an a-hole with no honor and even less decency.

I hope you stop treating him like you are going to R. He's not only gone, he's not worth the effort to R because he will cheat again and again.

Sorry to be so harsh, be strong and good luck with the exercise, if you keep it up it will definitely help.

Be strong HB,
Stretch


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

HeartBroken,

How are you doing today? 

Clay


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Stretch - He says she's not going with him but who knows. No I'm not following it text by text. I have no idea what he's doing. I have started to tell his family members and one of his friends. I plan on telling people but I'm not going to officially report it where he can get into trouble.

I am very clear with him that I am moving forward with the divorce. He knows that the paperwork will be ready for his to pick up from my lawyer next week. I am very clear that our marriage is over. I will not R with him.


----------



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Wow, nice guy. Yeah - divorce him ASAP and take him for all he's got. You deserve a decent man - not a POS that would cheat on his wife and 8 month old daughter. People never cease to amaze.

Be glad you discovered the real him, and cut him from your life.


----------



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

heartbroken0426 said:


> I will not R with him.


Go girl! :smthumbup:


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Clay - I'm doing really well actually. I feel like my first week since I confronted him was hell on earth but since then...I feel strong. Is there something wrong with me that I feel like I'm doing really well with this? I haven't cried in probably 3 days, I slept pretty decent last night without a tylenol pm. Is this the calm before the storm?

Healer - I agree with you...he's scum. 


I still love him though, as weird as that is. I'm working on letting that go though without using anger as the substitute. I don't want to be angry and let that fill my heart. Already without all of this happening, I'm a really tough and hard person. I had cancer twice when I was a kid but scoliosis and other medical problems. My first and only long term relationship other than my H was with a man who was abusive. I was with him 4.5yrs before I left him. I've always been hard, blunt, and really straight forward. Although I'm educated, am an accountant and can be very professional, serve as a board member on a non-profit...I'm still very hard. So I'm trying really hard not to let anger take over my soul and heart because I know for me...there is no coming back from that. The bad thing about doing this is that I still love him and have to figure out how to stop that.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You love the man you thought he was. He isn't that man anymore and possibly never was.

If you were brand new on the scene and heard his history, could you fall in love with him? Or would your lip curl and would you look at him with disgust?


----------



## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

It's ok to love him. Love him for your child's sake but learn to love him as the person that was responsible for giving you your child.


----------



## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Sorry for the tough love.

What's going on today? 

TTYL,
Stretch


----------



## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Hang tough HB. As the offended spouse your emotions are normal but the feelings of love will fade with time. And come back. And eventually go for good.

It's true. 

Just remember how your spouse left and what was said to you. Do you want that back? Do you love that?

You are entitled to grieve. Go ahead and do so. Your spouse's actions show how selfish and unloving he is to you. He doesn't care about your feelings. Its cold and cruel but it's true. Do you love that?


----------



## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Oh HB one more thing: I love being in love and I believe in marriage. She left me, she didn't kill me. When I'm ready I will find someone so much better than her, and there will be real love, intimacy and connection. LEARN FROM THIS or else the sorrow is all for nothing.


----------



## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

Pictureless said:


> Oh HB one more thing: I love being in love and I believe in marriage. She left me, she didn't kill me. When I'm ready I will find someone so much better than her, and there will be real love, intimacy and connection. LEARN FROM THIS or else the sorrow is all for nothing.


I feel the same way. This is very good advice.


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Clay - I'm doing really well actually. I feel like my first week since I confronted him was hell on earth but since then...I feel strong. Is there something wrong with me that I feel like I'm doing really well with this? * I haven't cried in probably 3 days, I slept pretty decent last night without a tylenol pm. Is this the calm before the storm?*


I think this is just your inner self enjoying the peace of being away from the emotional turmoil you experience while around your WH!



Hope you are doing ok today HB


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Hi guys,

I had a bad day yesterday  I think it was partly because I wasn't feeling well so that turned into being sad. I cried to my mom. My STBXH actually acted like he was concerned that I was sick. Today....I'm feeling better but sad because I miss him....I really miss him. I know it's stupid. He comes home from his "work trip" on Monday. He left on Tues and from Tues until yesterday morning, he texts me asking about our daughter and making comments about how cute she is in the pictures. Well I've barely heard from him since yesterday early afternoon. I find myself keep checking my phone to see if I missed a text from him and when he does text, I read it over and over again. Ugh....


----------



## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Hi guys,
> 
> I had a bad day yesterday  I think it was partly because I wasn't feeling well so that turned into being sad. I cried to my mom. My STBXH actually acted like he was concerned that I was sick. Today....I'm feeling better but sad because I miss him....I really miss him. I know it's stupid. He comes home from his "work trip" on Monday. He left on Tues and from Tues until yesterday morning, he texts me asking about our daughter and making comments about how cute she is in the pictures. Well I've barely heard from him since yesterday early afternoon. I find myself keep checking my phone to see if I missed a text from him and when he does text, I read it over and over again. Ugh....


The sooner you make things about you, the quicker you will feel better.


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I am so sorry you are hurting. It is never easy going through it and everyone experiences it differently. I think honestly this is the part of suffering you are going to continue to go through because you are both in the same house together and you have not implemented good boundaries. You really should do the 180. I think it would be incredibly helpful to you. 

I think if you did use the 180 process on him you might even wake him up. Its amazing how it changes things seriously. It also is there to help protect you. 

I would keep one thing in mind. You did not cheat. You are a better person. As hard as it is to believe right now there are lots of men out that that would practically worship you. (Faithful woman are seriously hard to find) 

Clay


----------



## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Clay is right, HB. My divorce has taught me many things, but most importantly that money, careers, education, homes, etc. don't matter.

It's character, morales, and values that makes a healthy, intimate, connected relationship. Faith, hope, and love. Of these, love is the greatest.

Your sorrow will pass. You will heal. You will trust again. You will love again. You have to believe.


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

I know....I need to do the 180. It's weird because I was really good at doing the 180 before I found out that he was cheating. Since I found out though....I haven't been doing it. I've started a little since he's been gone but I know I haven't done a good job. I'm going to try my hardest.

Clay - I have found after being on this site that there are a lot of women who cheat. It's surprises me so much....especially women with children. It's really sad how women are so easily able to give up their families. Sad really.


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Oh...and I need to start changing the radio when "Say Something" by A Great Big World and Christina Aguilera comes on the radio!


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Oh...and I need to start changing the radio when "Say Something" by A Great Big World and Christina Aguilera comes on the radio!


That song is so heart wrenching!!!

Hang in there HB...its not easy knowing you're being lied to.


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Well there is a rumor going around at my STBXH's work that his new mistress is a STRIPPER! Can you believe that? He's breaking up his family for a stripper? I mean....I don't have anything against women in that profession but he is so high and mighty about being educated and having a great job and blah blah. Go figure!

I talked to his XW yesterday and I really think I married a sociopath. I am starting to believe him when he says he has never loved me to begin with....it was all an act. he admitted himself that he puts on a movie screen over himself and acts so people don't know the real him. Who's to say that he doesn't do the same thing with me over the last 7yrs of our relationship?


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Ha ha, if his new mistress is a stripper he's just one of several. It's quite common for ladies in this profession to play multiple idiotic men for money and gifts; somehow every moron that goes with a stripper thinks he's the only one she's playing. Just like the stupid woman that goes for the well known player and yet thinks she's the only one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Oh ya.....I'm sure he is one of many for her


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I hope you are doing better. I don't think I would get to caught up in who he is seeing. I think you are a better person and as much as you would like to understand why he chose the path he did I really don't think you will ever understand. Some times it hurts even more to know. 

I really do feel bad for you because you are stuck in the same house with him. I can't even imagine the hell your heart must be going through.

Clay


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

How you doing, HB? Does your WH come back today from his trip? How are things at home? Take care of yourself as much as you can, make sure you are eating food and drinking water.


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Hi guys,

I can't begin to tell you how happy I get when I see new messages pop up on my thread with words of sympathy, encouragement, and sometimes a kick in the butt. It's a little weird to have this type of support from people I've never met before. I get support in my real life as well but none of them have been through what I am going through, so getting it from you all is great.

Yes the H comes home tonight. He text me this morning asking for a picture of our daughter and I sent it to him and also told him that if he wanted to see her tonight, this is the time she goes to bed. He never responded. I'm not sure if he's on the road yet (he went to a neighboring state) but from one of the text's I received, it looks like he's not going to be home before she goes to bed. So he won't see her until tomorrow morning. I guess that's ok for him considering he hasn't seen her since last Tues morning.

I know who he's dating really doesn't matter but it does make me laugh at this whole situation. I think I'm finally letting go of him because of the things I've learned by talking to his XW. 

It's been nice living in our house without him being around. Although I have missed him tremendously....it's been peaceful without him around. I don't know what to expect when I see him tonight (or tomorrow depending on what time he comes home).

I was telling a friend that I watched the movie Flowers in the Attic last night on tv. She told me that that movie is based on a series of books. Well I love to read. So I downloaded the first book and I'm going to start reading it tonight after I put my daughter to bed. There are 5 books total so it'll be a nice distraction for a little while.

Vi - I am eating...when I can. Sometimes I get really nauseous after I eat. So I try to eat just a little bit at a time. I'm drinking a lot of water though.


----------



## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Hi guys,
> 
> I can't begin to tell you how happy I get when I see new messages pop up on my thread with words of sympathy, encouragement, and sometimes a kick in the butt. It's a little weird to have this type of support from people I've never met before. I get support in my real life as well but none of them have been through what I am going through, so getting it from you all is great.
> 
> ...


I'm real glad to hear you are doing good, HB.

You are a lot nicer than I am. I wouldn't have texted a photo to him after all he's done. But that's just me.


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Flowers in the attic is a great movie and a great book. I am glad to hear you are doing better. 

If she is actually a stripper it wont last long. I would distance myself from him as much as possible. I would make him sign a separation agreement and setup a visitation agreement as well so he can start to get and idea of how things are going to work from now on. If he calls and asks for pictures anymore tell him to get them himself. 

You deserve way better than you are being given. 

I know its hard to eat but you need to. 

Clay


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Glad to hear you are at least trying to eat.  

I remember my gf in high school telling me about those books. She absolutely loved them, got the series and read them over and over and over. Books are a great way to escape the daily grind and stress. 

You're gonna be ok, HB


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Pictureless - I'm trying to be nice so the divorce goes quicker and easier and because we're still living in the same house

Clay - None of those documents will be signed yet. We're not physically separated...we're still in the same house, unfortunately.


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Well.....I signed the divorce papers today. My lawyer will file in court tomorrow and see what judge is assigned and then my STBXH will sign paperwork on Monday. *sigh* feeling a lot of mixed emotions today. I talked to my mom this morning and she asked me if my H was willing to work on the marriage or that maybe I should ask him if he was willing. I'm so confused.


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Well.....I signed the divorce papers today. My lawyer will file in court tomorrow and see what judge is assigned and then my STBXH will sign paperwork on Monday. *sigh* feeling a lot of mixed emotions today. I talked to my mom this morning and she asked me if my H was willing to work on the marriage or that maybe I should ask him if he was willing. I'm so confused.


You should ask your mother if she could stay married to a man who continuously cheats on her and lies to her face and puts her at risk for an STD by having unprotected sex and doesn't respect her as a human being.

What do you think her answer would be?

Oh and also tell her, if he really wanted to work on the marriage he wouldn't have continued the cheating! So there is no point in asking him.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Well.....I signed the divorce papers today. My lawyer will file in court tomorrow and see what judge is assigned and then my STBXH will sign paperwork on Monday. *sigh* feeling a lot of mixed emotions today. I talked to my mom this morning and she asked me if my H was willing to work on the marriage or that maybe I should ask him if he was willing. I'm so confused.


Tell your mom that you are doing what is best for YOU and your well being, and if she cannot support that, to keep her damn opinions to herself!


----------



## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

HB, don't be confused. I know some Mom's mean well but don't understand. Depending upon her age she might come from a time when divorce was unthinkable. While divorce is horrible, it's perfectly justifiable in your case.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

HB, what have you shared with your Mom? Is she aware that your H is a serial cheater? Otherwise tell her that he is unwilling to "work" on the marriage since he chooses to cheat a regular basis, thereby endangering your health and well-being and the well-being of her granddaughter.


----------



## gigi888 (Oct 6, 2013)

HB - Sometimes you just cannot listen to your family because some people do not think it is right to encourage a divorce. 

After I filed, my mom told me that her instinct on STBXH was right that there is something wrong with his character. I was so shocked and asked her why she never said anything to me. Her answer was "I cannot tell you because what if it leads to a divorce."


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

My mom is a good person and very caring and supportive of me. Yes...I have told her everything and she is conflicted just as I am. I too have thought back and fourth if I should try to work with him or not. She means well. The era she came from is that you work on marriage until it cannot be worked on anymore. That is her generation and I get that. She has never gone through what I am going through, so she doesn't fully understand how it's like. She 110% supports me in the divorce but she will also 110% support me if I reconcile as well.


----------



## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

heartbroken0426 said:


> She 110% supports me in the divorce but she will also 110% support me if I reconcile as well.


You are blessed!


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

HB,
I am really sorry you are having a bad day. I know signing the Divorce papers can really bring a lot of emotions out. I know this is hard to deal with but I do think you are doing the right thing. 

If your husband truly wanted to save the marriage once divorce papers were drawn up and he would have started correcting his negative behavior. This to me speaks volumes. This demonstrates with actions that the level of love he has for you is not enough to save the marriage. 

I implore you to really look inside yourself and find who you are again. I know you don't see this because you are still in love with your husband but he is not worth your time. You are a good person. You are not a cheater and a liar. You came to this site to help better yourself. 

Once you get back on your feet your going to see your true value. I would have paid to have found a woman that was faithful. It was so hard to even date someone and have to consider that even before you really decided if you liked the person or not. 

Tell your mom shes the best. That is truly wonderful that she supports you like that. Shows right through to her daughter. 

Sign those papers and don't look back. 

Clay


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Pictureless - yes I am very blessed to have 2 very supporting parents who try to give me advice but support my decisions and stand behind me.

Clay - I did sign the divorce papers and my lawyer is filing them today and then my H has to sign. He had his first therapy session for 3hrs yesterday with a new therapist and he made another one on Monday. So he is trying to fix himself and knows he has major problems he needs to work through.


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

How you doing, HB?


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

Hey HB. I hope you are well. Anything new with your situation?


----------



## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

Hi HB,

I have been reading your thread and many others on here. Please excuse me for hijacking your thread, but I think it may help. I am an Officer in the Air Force, and my wife of 22 years had her second affair when we moved to VA in June of 2013. Her first affair was in 2004 while I was deployed. 

I took her back because we have 2 children together and were High School sweethearts. This second affair damn near killed me. But through IC, and self help books and this board I have learned so much about not only her but of myself. 

I am co-dependent and she is narcissitic and suffers from border-line personality disorder. Listen to the advice on here....fix yourself. Do the NC/180 rule...fake it if you have to. STOP torturing yourself. Trust me, I did the same thing. Eventually you will get better...it will not happen over night! A good book that helped me is Letting Go a 12 Week Plan.

As far as your question about whether a step-parent could possibly love your child. ABSOLUTELY! When you find the right person that will love, cherish, honor, and respect you, your child is included in the whole equation.

Good luck to you and everyone else on this painful road. What doesn't kill you will make you stronger...and better. Use this experience to learn more about yourself and to realize what you want from a significant other.


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Hi Everyone,

I've been taking a break from being on this site. In reading so many threads and people's comments (not on my thread, but others) people are so negative in their comments. I read a thread about a guy who's wife is obviously suffering from depression or some mental thing and they've been married for 3yrs and probably 99% of the responses just jumped and told the guy to divorce her. I mean, really? Are people so scorned?

Anyways, life is just getting slightly tougher for me. My company is shutting it's doors early next week. I am now searching for another job. *sigh*. You know that saying "God will only give you what you can handle"? Well God obviously has more faith in my ability to handle stress than I do. So not only is my personal life in shams....now my professional life as well.


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

This site does have that affect on some peoples threads. Its easy for people to just draw some conclusions and not really take everything into account. There is nothing wrong with taking a break from this site. I do come ever most days but I don't always comment. 

I am sorry to hear about your work shutting down. I can only imagine how difficult things are for you now. Maybe this in some way is a sign for change in your life. I hope it leads to wonderful things for you. 

I hope you really take some time out for you. I think we all need time to heal. I really was lost when I was going through it myself. Its just something you can never prepare for. 

Clay


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Thank you Clay


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

HB, you have a big heart.

Try to remember that sometimes, when people appear to quickly post and argue for divorce, they speak with experience that a newly injured poster may not want to see. On a cold board it can often come across as heartless. It honestly isn't. Sometimes, we need a stranger to remind us that there are other ways of viewing the world that might not include being verbally or emotionally abused by a spouse. My own ex did both during the worst of his mental disorders. When you are in the throws of such abuse its liberating for someone to remind you that you can say stop. 
I hope you are hanging strong.


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Hows it going, HB?


----------

