# Trust issues



## Kaz111 (9 mo ago)

Hi all, 

Me and my husband had a down site in our relationship. After birth of my 15 month old daughter He has confessed that he has been involved emotionally and sexually with another person for five weeks. Since then We have decided to work on our marriage and even though I don’t trust him we have been happier than ever. We chat away we are both more understanding and we make a lot more effort. Sex life is great and we feel like our love is stronger than ever. I relaised what I could of lose which has made me change (as I was miserable/ emotionless/ cold wife before) now I’m totally different to what I use to be warm / Affectionate and fun, which showed him I’m the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with) He has said he lost his mind and he cut all ties with his misters (I’ve seen it) we also both went to Therapist for 2 months but she did say we don’t need it as often now as we both want to commit one to another and wedo get on great. I also been going to hypnotherapist but seems as it got worse with trust.

he’s away with work again and he been great in keeping touch but my trust issues are hitting the roof. It’s been 9 weeks since everything came to light but my trust issue seem to be ruining everything. Im scared he will do it again, and I can’t even see myslef trusting him leave alone actually do trusting him:

Anyone else had similar issues? Will I ever trust again???


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Kaz111 said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Me and my husband had a down site in our relationship. After birth of my 15 month old daughter He has confessed that he has been involved emotionally and sexually with another person for five weeks. Since then We have decided to work on our marriage and even though I don’t trust him we have been happier than ever. We chat away we are both more understanding and we make a lot more effort. Sex life is great and we feel like our love is stronger than ever. I relaised what I could of lose which has made me change (as I was miserable/ emotionless/ cold wife before) now I’m totally different to what I use to be warm / Affectionate and fun, which showed him I’m the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with) He has said he lost his mind and he cut all ties with his misters (I’ve seen it) we also both went to Therapist for 2 months but she did say we don’t need it as often now as we both want to commit one to another and wedo get on great. I also been going to hypnotherapist but seems as it got worse with trust.
> 
> ...


It's been 9 weeks... of course you have trust issues. It would be a problem if you didn't. 

It's great that you realize how you contributed to the marriage declining, but the cheating is 100% on him. You cannot take the blame for it. 

Things also should not go back to normal that quickly. It sounds like you are rug sweeping the affair, rather than properly dealing with it. That therapist sucks, btw. It takes YEARS to heal from infidelity, not weeks. You need to find someone else. 

Yes, you can learn to trust him again but it takes a lot of time and a lot of work. Years, not weeks.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Did your husband tell you why he cheated? How did he tell you about the affair? Did he come to you willingly with the information, did you catch him in something and he admitted, or was it something you suspected and he admitted to? What type of remorse did he have and did he guarantee you this was over and it would not happen again? Has he cheated on other women he dated previous to you?

He needs to show you through his actions of spending time with you and open to you seeing his phone. He also needs to tell you where he is and where he plans to be, for now, while you rebuild trust. I am not saying he is a serial cheater but I have known too many men and women who are. Cheating for these type is far too easy and they will repeat their action. I was married to a serial cheater and the lies never ended. No trust can be built with someone like this.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

It’s normal to still have trust issues so close after D day. Even though he’s doing all the right things now, you have to see consistency. If he shows through his actions that he is walking on the straight and narrow, in time the paranoia will lessen. Your heart and mind will not calm down until you he has a proven track record. You should have a trust but verify attitude, with less emphasis on the trust and more on the verify. 

btw, I hope he’s being a COMPLETE open book. I’m talking phone, laptop, tablet, and social media. He should be providing that $hit F’ing cheerfully, without any protestations about lack of privacy because he’s damn lucky to have a wife that’s willing to give him a chance after just blessing him with a child.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

AVR1962 said:


> Did your husband tell you why he cheated?


I think that she inferred to it when she made this statement: 



Kaz111 said:


> I relaised what I could of lose which has made me change (as I was miserable/ emotionless/ cold wife before) now I’m totally different to what I use to be warm / Affectionate and fun, which showed him I’m the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with)


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You may have to accept that you will take maybe years to trust again. It's possible that you never will completely. 
That's why so many marriages end after cheating. 
Is it possible for him to get work where he doesn't have to go away? Did he meet his AP while away from home for work?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Kaz111 said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Me and my husband had a down site in our relationship. After birth of my 15 month old daughter He has confessed that he has been involved emotionally and sexually with another person for five weeks. Since then We have decided to work on our marriage and even though I don’t trust him we have been happier than ever. We chat away we are both more understanding and we make a lot more effort. Sex life is great and we feel like our love is stronger than ever. I realized what I could of lose which has made me change (as I was miserable/ emotionless/ cold wife before) now I’m totally different to what I use to be warm / Affectionate and fun, which showed him I’m the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with) He has said he lost his mind and he cut all ties with his misters (I’ve seen it) we also both went to Therapist for 2 months but she did say we don’t need it as often now as we both want to commit one to another and we do get on great. I also been going to hypnotherapist but seems as it got worse with trust.
> 
> ...


He should have divorced before cheating, that is on him. I imagine he also is having hard time trusting that your change is genuine and lasting (I realized what I could of lose which has made me change (as I was miserable/ emotionless/ cold wife before) now I’m totally different to what I use to be) or did you just do it to keep him there to pay bills.

He should have divorced you for this, but he chose the wrong route. That choice is on him.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

It takes years to heal from infidelity, not weeks. You two have a long road in front of you.

To reconcile, one of the keys is that everything is disclosed, so you know what it is you are forgiving.

It is very important to get it all out there. Has he provided a detailed timeline of the affair (and / or any other indiscretions)?

Sounds like you guys are in hysterical bonding.


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## bricks (Aug 14, 2017)

It is normal for it to take years for the trust to be re-gained. We are working on year 10 and it still comes up - less often, but it does. You will have triggers like when you don't see him for a while or maybe there is something he used to do that in hindsight was a tell. 

Continued open communication about everything, including your need to be reassured is key. You can't bring up the affair in anger, but to say, hey, this reminded me and it hurts is a good thing. His response to you will tell you whether the marriage will endure.


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## jenny_1 (7 mo ago)

Kaz111 said:


> I relaised what I could of lose which has made me change (as I was miserable/ emotionless/ cold wife before) now I’m totally different to what I use to be warm / Affectionate and fun, which showed him I’m the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with)


It's a two way street. I'm sure he's wondering how long your warm, affectionate and fun personality will last. I assume you used to be that way when you first married. Why did you become emotionless and cold? That is one reason why marriages fall apart. 

Keep working on it and things will get better over time.


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