# I keep trying... And he doesnt care.



## heartofice (Dec 30, 2010)

Hello everyone... Sorry, had to repost to the correct listing 

Im new to this site and happy to have found it. I have been reading many posts and I feel like, finally, people that might understand what Im going through.

Im going to apologize in advance, this will be a long one.

My husband and I have been married for 3 years. We met, fell in love and 3 weeks after dating we got married. (I know, we hear it all the time, way too soon)
Well, in these 3 years we have had plenty of arguments... some bad some ok. We argued once a month... Normally at the time when I was PMS'ing. After a while he noticed that my crabbiness was due to that, and sometimes he would do very well defusing the situation and other times he would just antagonize the situation, and other times it wasnt the PMS it was just us disagreeing on certain things, which one of the times, our argument got so bad I decided to move out. That lasted 2 weeks. He begged me to come back home... He promised to change his ways. And he did.

Do to a new job offer my husband received, we moved to another state. He has family here... I dont.
I dont work... I stay home. He says it doesnt matter if I work but if I do he rather have it be from home or with him.
Ever since we have been here my husband has completely changed, I cant say he went back to his old ways... But WORSE. He knows I cant leave and go anywhere. I have nowhere to go. So he is more ignorant then ever. Our fights have got so bad, we have said the most meanest things to one another... Its a nightmare. Something I never thought would happen. I got married for better or worse. I should feel like I have my best friend by my side.. instead I feel like I have a roommate or an acquittance. Our sex life is almost non-existent these last 4 months. I learned a long time ago that he did not like for me to pursue him... he likes to make the first move... Even though that took a lot of getting used to for me, especially when he pushed me off of him and denied me, after that I respected his wishes.

Im 33 years old... I am going through my prime... I am VERY attracted to my husband, yet lately he looks at me with disgust. He wont touch me. He will cuddle with me to make me happy when we go to bed and not arguing, but thats it. 

Our last HUGE argument I had said some really MEAN things to him... Which I will take and have taken full responsibility for. And he said some awful things to me... which he then also spit in my face. He apologized for some of the things he said and did.. But not all. Which I apologized for EVERYTHING i said... cause I know in my heart I didnt mean.

He says I nag too much.. We have no communication. I try to talk to him about things.. so thats just nagging to him. He doesnt respect anything I say and doesnt care. 

Example to how things are now.... I wasnt feeling well the other day, and all because i said "whatever, ok" he tried to prove me wrong on what we were talking about... which to me it wasnt wrong or right... it was more of.. Ok im jsut dropping this conversation cause I honestly think its a waste of time and argument, plus i dont feel well i have no energy for this right now. So he grabs his phone shows me he was RIGHT and I just looked at him confused... I said to him "Honestly why are you still on this???" He got an attitude with me saying how he was right and I just cant handle EVER being wrong.
I got up and went into our room and laid in bed all day. NOT once did he check on me.. NOT once has he tried to talk to me... He sat on the couch all day watching tv and can care less. 
Did I do something wrong here? Why is it that he has to make me feel like I have to go and apologize to him for something that I was trying to avoid????
He can hear me crying in the next room and he doesnt care... he will just ignore me... He shows no love, no emotion... Nothing. 
Im stuck in a rutt.. I love my husband... I can honestly say that he is the first man in my life that I have been with that I cared for with all of my heart. Is that what I did wrong? Before he and I met.. I did not believe in getting married again... I was HAPPILY divorced for 11 years.. and 2 years out of a 5 year relationship. I was dating, had my own place and living a life that I was comfortable with. He swept me off my feet.
I honestly thought that we were going to be happy, yeah ok, nobody is perfect, we can have our arguments but this??? I thought that we were going to love one another and he was going to be by my side through thick and thin.. be my protector... Yet he acts like he is my enemy??? I dont understand.... Im just so confused... I have no confidence left no self asteem... I can feel my face aging.. Im just extreemly torn up inside. 

We have tried counseling... After I left him we went. That lasted 3 sessions before he walked out on our counselor. 
I dont know what else I can do... 
Dont get me wrong... I do.. And I truly believe thats what he wants, to just get rid of me.. But why not just say it? Why not just be honest and communicate??
Thats not what i want.. I want to fix my marriage.. 

I guess im just venting.. any advice or thoughts in this??


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

**reposting my reply**



> Ever since we have been here my husband has completely changed, I cant say he went back to his old ways... But WORSE. He knows I cant leave and go anywhere. I have nowhere to go.


Try looking at this objectively for a second. Is it him being an a$$ because he has an upper hand here or is it you projecting your own feelings onto him?



> Do to a new job offer my husband received


Is this recent? Stress, maybe? As a possible reason for no sex?

Spitting..ehh.. what an as.. er.. donkey


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## heartofice (Dec 30, 2010)

I truly believe its just him feeling like he has the upper hand. Not once before we moved has he acted this way... He knew I had my family and I was able to leave and give us both the space we needed. Now he knows I have nobody to go visit, No friends, No family out here. When we do argue.. which im surprised it has yet to come out of his mouth today... He tells me to leave and go back to my family. He NEVER said that to me before we moved out here. If anything, he was the one trying to convince me to stop being a runner. And I did after I came back home in March when I had left him for those 2 weeks. Now he knows.. I have nowhere to run too out here... I do in some scence.. I have family I have never met 2 1/2 hours north from where we live now. But I do not want to inconvenience anyone either or put my marriage out there like that.

We moved 6 months ago... he did say that it was stress related. Which I can understand that... and I do take that into consideration. BUT when I tell him I feel neglected and unloved by him, he just doesnt respond to it. Kind of like shrugging his shoulders and saying "Oh well.. Dont know what to tell you" kind of thing...


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## heartofice (Dec 30, 2010)

And thank you so much for responding Reaching... I really appreciate it! You have no idea....


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

All this time I've been looking for one of Affaircare's (great lady here on TaM) posts about communicating feelings:

*When *you...
I *Think*..
I *Feel*...
*So* I'd like to request...

original post here

Try telling him that way how you feel about the situation change in the new location.


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## heartofice (Dec 30, 2010)

Thanks Reaching! I will definitely try that out.. maybe tonight or tomorrow. Anything to get us out of this rut... 
I tried to talk to him earlier, and he is blaming my "pms" once again.. Which I know when its my PMS. I think i have more of PMDD... I get a burst of anger inside of me and I dont feel that way right now... Im just more hurt by his actions then anything right now. That "I dont care" attitude truly hurts. Yet, I tell him that and he doesnt see to care.. but I will try to word it differently and hope for the best.


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