# Sex is dead on my part



## is he married (Sep 9, 2011)

Hi there, 

I have a concern about the sex part with my partner. We are together now for almost two years, 7 years in the relationship. We used to have a great sex life, it used to be where you don't need any physical contact just that 'look' and it will be a mattress acrobatics there on. Or the quickie stuff and everything was great. 

After having a child together, I just don't feel that spark anymore. I know that it's suppose to be normal to lose your libido for sometime but it's been going on for a while now. 

I no longer initiate sex. I am no longer excited, and I just don't have the heart to burst his bubble. He is a 'pleaser' and I'd give him that. I envy his enthusiasm because he is so into it and I am not. I end up faking all of my orgasms and my 'lust' for it. He's falling for it every time and I just feel awful for fooling him. It's been quite a while too since I had the big O, I can achieve that if I please myself, but not with him. 

I don't know what's wrong with me. Is this the kind of thing that goes away? Or something else?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Stop faking, you do him and yourself no favors. Deception is just plain bad.

Get yourself checked out by a doctor to see if you have any hormone issues.

Do NOT get interested in some other guy while with him.

If you truly do not want to be with him anymore than leave him.

Free both him and yourself to love again.

As a man, it is really awful to find out your woman is faking all their interactions with you--in the sack or not.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Please consider going to your doctor to have him/her order some lab tests to check out your hormone levels. Pregnancy dramatically affects *normal testosterone and estrogen levels in women*. If this turns out to be the case, simple hormone therapy may be all that you need to have your libido restored.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

morituri said:


> Please consider going to your doctor to have him/her order some lab tests to check out your hormone levels. Pregnancy dramatically affects *normal testosterone and estrogen levels in women*. If this turns out to be the case, simple hormone therapy may be all that you need to have your libido restored.


Not to burst a bubble -this would be nice, except most doctors typically won't consider hormone therapy in women of child-bearing age especially if you fall anywhere in the normal range and you've just had a child and/or are breastfeeding. But, if you also suffer from symptoms like excess fatigue or hair loss, have your doctor check your thyroid function.

Yes, pregnancy and childbirth can mess up your hormones. It can take some time to get things straightened out again. Also, the stress and fatigue of taking care of a baby/child can also depress your libido. 

How old is your child? Is it a baby? If so, are you breastfeeding? Lactation typically causes a decrease in a woman's physical libido. Kind of nature's way of ensuring a new mother doesn't get pregnant again right away thus potentially jeorpardizing her health and that of her current baby.

Are you on any kind of hormonal birth control? That also can cause decrease physical libido, as can some kind of anti-depressants.

Here's a good article with a list of potential reasons: Low sex drive in women - MayoClinic.com

For many women, the emotional aspect of their relationship with their partner plays a huge role in how they feel about having sex with them. What is your relationship like with your partner?

Best wishes.


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## is he married (Sep 9, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Not to burst a bubble -this would be nice, except most doctors typically won't consider hormone therapy in women of child-bearing age especially if you fall anywhere in the normal range and you've just had a child and/or are breastfeeding. But, if you also suffer from symptoms like excess fatigue or hair loss, have your doctor check your thyroid function.


I am not breastfeeding, and my baby is still 7 months old. I am in extreme fatigue and definitely stress is at the top of my list. All factors considering worthy of another thread in another department of this forum. 

Hair loss is also an issue, I have a handful every day when I take a bath. 

I am not thinking of other guys when I am in the sack with my guy. I am loyal to him, at least that I can say without guilt. I have no interest whatsoever with starting a new relationship to another man nor entertaining that thought. It's just that everything seems too much and overwhelming that sex is not a priority. If I could feel a little 'spark' after some foreplay, it doesn't last long, like it's there for a few minutes, and will fade away eventually. 

I am not faking my interactions with him, I deal with him everyday, we have had our discussions and disagreements but all are normal issues of our daily life. 

I think I will push through that hormone level thing, because if it's not that, I think this is depression of all sorts.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

is he married said:


> I am not breastfeeding, and my baby is still 7 months old. I am in extreme fatigue and definitely stress is at the top of my list. All factors considering worthy of another thread in another department of this forum.
> 
> Hair loss is also an issue, I have a handful every day when I take a bath.
> 
> ...


Yah - definitely go to your doctor for a check-up and get a thyroid panel especially if you're losing that much hair. [I have low thyroid function and take replacement thyroid hormone - I lost 1/3 of my hair because of it. It is growing back now, though.] Some hair loss after pregnancy can be normal - usually within the first 6 months. The doc can also evaluate you for post-partum depression and could also check for anemia (low iron) which isn't uncommon after having a baby. All those contribute greatly to fatigue and listlessness.

Is your mood about everything else generally low?

Are you able to get out of the house on your own? Are you able to exercise - take a walk?

God Bless.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

any couple that has kids aged in "months" should basically forget about everything else not related to raising the child


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> any couple that has kids aged in "months" should basically forget about everything else not related to raising the child


I think that a woman can still make her partner feel important - even if it's small kisses, touches, looks and glances, smiles, running your hand through their hair, rubbing their shoulder - just trying to maintain a connection with them even if nothing else is able to happen.

I know it's hard when you're in a fog of fatigue, but it can mean so much to your partner, and can sometimes develop into more.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Enchantment said:


> I think that a woman can still make her partner feel important - even if it's small kisses, touches, looks and glances, smiles, running your hand through their hair, rubbing their shoulder - just trying to maintain a connection with them even if nothing else is able to happen.
> 
> I know it's hard when you're in a fog of fatigue, but it can mean so much to your partner, and can sometimes develop into more.


i think men need to lower their expectations completely and focus on helping whenever possible.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

This not only sounds normal, it's inevitable. I'm sure you'll feel more frisky when you want another kid.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> i think men need to lower their expectations completely and focus on helping whenever possible.


What a good husband and father you are! It's obvious you help a lot with your kids - I've seen your other posts about running them to and fro and being involved with them.

I still want to put a bug in wive's ears, though, about not totally abandoning their spouses. I think each couple needs to find a balance that works for them, but I don't think a wife should totally ignore her husband if at all possible. That's just my opinion.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

they shouldnt, but they do. my oldest is 15, next is 13, next is 11. my wife was dogged out for several years (so was I). gotta be patient


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> they shouldnt, but they do. my oldest is 15, next is 13, next is 11. my wife was dogged out for several years (so was I). gotta be patient


Next year maybe your oldest will be able to drive. Our oldest is 16 and him driving (as scary as it is) has helped us a lot.

Yah - you had one every couple years - ouch. We waited a lowly 10 years between ours. Might have been easier for me to feel more in to it.


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## is he married (Sep 9, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Yah -
> 
> Is your mood about everything else generally low?
> 
> ...


Yes, my mood on everything else is low. I feel enraged at the smallest provocation. I know it sounds crazy but sometimes even when my baby cries and doesn't stop just because he wants the attention and I am busy, I felt like throwing him away or hurting him, and no I don't hurt him, when I begin to feel that way, I don't dare get my baby for fear that I might do something out of anger. I just let my feelings past and when I feel okay that's when I get him up his crib.

No I cannot get out of the house on my own because this is not where I live. I am new to this place, even if I have stayed here for more than a year I rarely go out because of my partner works night shifts, when he gets home he is already tired enough to talk. 

At the moment no I cannot go out and take a short walk because it has been constantly raining due to the typhoon season in my country. 

My partner does help me with the chores, the baby and small things, but his family tends to get in the way with that, I just heard (and I mean, just tonight) that the reason why his grandma is angry at me is because, why do I have to wake him up if I need something else to be done. To explain that, he works night shifts, that leaves me with the baby from night 'till dawn, he sleeps by day and that leaves me with the baby from waking until the evening. He gets hold of the baby, let's say an average of 2 hours daily. I can only take a bath during my baby's sleeping time and I don't know what hour is that. My child is a light sleeper, and a hyperactive one. 

When my partner comes home he can have some time to play computer games, maybe 30 mins - 1hour, at least he gets to play. I don't. I can't even read books without being disturbed. Inward, I tend to resent that because he gets to enjoy the little stuff and I can't relax for a minute. He constantly procrastinates and that makes me angry. I try to understand him because I know he is in a stressful job but so am I. Anyway, sometimes I have to wake him up if I have to clean the bottles and sterilize them. We have no help, and there's only the three of us, Me, him and the baby. 

It sounds more like I am stressing out in a manageable situation, but if I am going to talk about it, the thread would lose its essence. 

Another thing, I thought it wouldn't get to me, but lately I've seen him watch hentai movies, bestiality, porn stuff. I don't make it an issue because he watches it when I'm there, but lately it's becoming more frequent. I don't know if I should be bothered. 

When we had the baby, the courtship thing is gone, the sweetness, I know it's not about the two of us anymore, but still it shouldn't be lost right? I don't feel appreciated, I feel harassed by his family, I felt like the world is closing in. He disregards my feelings when we talk about what irritates me, it only appears he doesn't care. He would say "all I care is that the baby is okay." Where does that leave me? I feel so lost. 

Sorry if this seems to be branching out.


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## ThirdTimeACharm (Sep 1, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> any couple that has kids aged in "months" should basically forget about everything else not related to raising the child


Perhaps the worse unrealistic advice written in this thread. 

That advise is not about being real, and we had a great sex life and life in general during the pregnancies and after the births, and the best advise we were given was to keeping doing the most of the things we did before the births of our two daughters. Do not modify around the baby....better for the baby to modify around you and your lifestyle. So if we did it to great benefit (to the babies too), then most couples can too!

Perhaps the OP is just plain old tired and overwhelmed by the demands of the new child. Is the husband doing his part? I would think the OP is drained from all the tasks required for a months only child. Perhaps dad should chip in more, and even give mom the weekends off completely. I'd suggest dad give mom a few hundred bucks and ask her to run off to the mall or have a good nosh with some friends, cut loose, etc.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I'm so sorry you are having a tough time! It is very difficult to be a new mother, and when you have a new living situation and the hours your partner works it can make it tougher. I sympathize with you.

So, first things first. Frustration with a new baby is common. You are handling it right by removing yourself from the situation until you are calmer. If you ever feel like you cannot calm down, do you have someone that you can call?

Are you going to go to a doctor for evaluation - you could have post-partum depression? Postpartum depression - MayoClinic.com

Or even post-partum thyroiditis (based upon the hair loss/extreme fatigue): Thyroid Problems After Pregnancy, A Look at Postpartum Thyroiditis

Next, setting up a routine with your baby can help you feel like you have some semblance of control in your life. Even if the baby naps sporadically, there are things you can try and accomplish every day, such as:

- Exercise

If you have a stroller/pram, put the baby in it on nice days and go for a short walk. If it is raining, go for a walk around your house (yes, with the stroller) or if you live in an apartment building, go for a walk in the hallways. If you have a car and are mobile, first research places you could walk indoors, e.g., many malls have hallways you can walk, if you have a mall where you live.

The goal is to try to get some time to move around. If you are so fatigued you can't do this, then make sure you go to the doctor right away so that you can get checked out for anything physically wrong.

- Time to yourself

Take a nap, rest, read, meditate while your baby naps. Take that time for yourself to do whatever you want to do. Here's a good book to read: Amazon.com: Becoming a Calm Mom: How to Manage Stress and Enjoy the First Year of Motherhood (9781433804045): Deborah Roth Ledley: Books

Even a page or two a day will add up and you'll get through the book eventually.

You can also do things when your baby is awake. Put them in a secure area in your home within your sight, and you can sit down and relax, you can cruise the internet, you could join an online mother's forum, such as the following to talk with others in a like situation or to make new online friends:Registration - Step 1 - CafeMom

- Is there anyone who can watch the baby for a little bit? If your partner can watch the baby for 1 - 2 hours, you could take some of that time for yourself. If you are on decent terms with any of his family, can they help out?

- Communicate with your partner. It sounds like he is also tired out and harried. Being a new parent is a shock for most people. Perhaps he feels left out or unappreciated or overwhelmed (may be why he is watching porn)? Try and see if there are ways that you can help each other. Let him know that you not being in the right frame of mind will not be good for the baby and that you need help in trying to solve it.

Lastly, know that you are not alone. Reach out to others - whether it is someone online or someone in your family or you trying to make a new friend - reach out.

Best wishes.


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## ThirdTimeACharm (Sep 1, 2011)

To the OP: Watching porn is cheating on the significant other. Lots of women think it is cool and "see, I'm not a *****" to let their man watch that stuff.....it is cheating, hello ?!?


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## is he married (Sep 9, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> So, first things first. Frustration with a new baby is common. You are handling it right by removing yourself from the situation until you are calmer. If you ever feel like you cannot calm down, do you have someone that you can call?


No, I don't have anyone else where I'm at. The only relatives are my partners'. My family is somewhere far away.



Enchantment said:


> Are you going to go to a doctor for evaluation - you could have post-partum depression?
> 
> Or even post-partum thyroiditis (based upon the hair loss/extreme fatigue):


I think so to, I've read about it and almost all the symptoms are there. It's scary because until now it only tends to get worst. 




Enchantment said:


> Next, setting up a routine with your baby can help you feel like you have some semblance of control in your life. Even if the baby naps sporadically, there are things you can try and accomplish every day, such as:


I would try all of your suggestions, but to add to that, I also work online when my baby sleeps, I write articles and blogs, another way of diverting my thoughts.

For now, it is impossible to achieve a ME time. My baby wants to be cuddled or carried most of the time. He is a light sleeper and we live in a building with lots of students and telling them to be quite is impossible. 




Enchantment said:


> - Is there anyone who can watch the baby for a little bit? If your partner can watch the baby for 1 - 2 hours, you could take some of that time for yourself. If you are on decent terms with any of his family, can they help out?


I am on decent terms with his parents, but with his parents lived his sister who I am not in good terms with. She destroyed my relationship to all her extended relatives by putting in stories about me or whatever it is I don't know. 



Enchantment said:


> - Communicate with your partner. It sounds like he is also tired out and harried. Being a new parent is a shock for most people. Perhaps he feels left out or unappreciated or overwhelmed (may be why he is watching porn)? Try and see if there are ways that you can help each other. Let him know that you not being in the right frame of mind will not be good for the baby and that you need help in trying to solve it.


I do talk to my partner, he just seemed passive about everything. When his sister and I had a fight, he didn't defend me or anything. He just let it go, while it shattered me. I also think that this was one of the factors that I feel so down and that I have no desire for physical contact with him. 

Thank you very much, really for your suggestions. I feel relieved somehow that I was able to unload some of my burdens, it is so hard not being able to share it with somebody who totally understands.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

is he married said:


> Thank you very much, really for your suggestions. I feel relieved somehow that I was able to unload some of my burdens, it is so hard not being able to share it with somebody who totally understands.


I understand. While my husband didn't work a night shift, both my family and my husband's were too far away to help us in any way when we had our babies. I felt guilty asking for help from friends who were in mostly the same boat. It was a bit of an isolating experience.

Like I said - keep reaching out to others as that will help with the isolation that you feel.

Best wishes.


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## ThirdTimeACharm (Sep 1, 2011)

Well, if your man did not have your back when you and his sister conflicted, that might be a problem, if you were in the right. If you were in the wrong, then no, you should not expect him to side with you. Too often women demand their husband's backing even if they're in the wrong...not saying this is the case for you however.

Assuming you were in the right though, I can see how you would feel terrrible for his lack of "foresaking all others". If he doesn't back you up when you're in the right, then this is against a marriage vow, and sometimes just as damaging as if he cheated on you. I too experienced that same thing with my wife. Her daughter (from a prior marriage) was very rude to me, and the wife did NOTHING about it. Overtime it stewed, and the discomfort I felt around her daughter turned to bitterness, because of wife's lack of nipping the problem before it came to a head. Sticking one's head in the sand and waiting for things to some how magically improve on their own is a sure way to cause increased acrimony and strife for all the parties. I suspect this issue of yours (you, him, sister) is a lot bigger part of your negative feelings then you might think.

The realization that your significant other doesn't have your back with his family can be a MAJOR cause of marital strife...God knows I know this first hand.

Lots of good advise here in this thread...hope it all goes well.


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## ThirdTimeACharm (Sep 1, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> I understand. While my husband didn't work a night shift, both my family and my husband's were too far away to help us in any way when we had our babies. I felt guilty asking for help from friends who were in mostly the same boat. It was a bit of an isolating experience.
> 
> Like I said - keep reaching out to others as that will help with the isolation that you feel.
> 
> Best wishes.


I suspect that if the OP had a much better relationship with her husband, she'd not feel so isolated. 

Reaching out to others is not a long term solution in my opinion. 

Better she reached out to her husband and ask him to man up more, and ask him to "foresake all others" as the vow goes. I sense she feels he is too passive, and not there to protect her from issues with his family.

Of course if he refuses to man up and protect her, then she has no choice but to reach out to others...sad if she has to, but I'd not blame her.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

ThirdTimeACharm said:


> I suspect that if the OP had a much better relationship with her husband, she'd not feel so isolated.
> 
> Reaching out to others is not a long term solution in my opinion.
> 
> ...


True. I should make it clear that I am not purporting it as a long-term solution, but as one to help her get through the spot she is in right now with being overwhelmed with a new baby and being isolated from others. And the reaching out I am talking about is to simply seek out others for help and conversation - like what she is doing by being on this forum. 

@OP ~ Does your partner have the opportunity to try and change his shift hours at some point? Is that something that he could be working toward?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

ThirdTimeACharm said:


> Perhaps the worse unrealistic advice written in this thread.
> 
> That advise is not about being real, and we had a great sex life and life in general during the pregnancies and after the births, and the best advise we were given was to keeping doing the most of the things we did before the births of our two daughters. Do not modify around the baby....better for the baby to modify around you and your lifestyle. So if we did it to great benefit (to the babies too), then most couples can too!
> 
> Perhaps the OP is just plain old tired and overwhelmed by the demands of the new child. Is the husband doing his part? I would think the OP is drained from all the tasks required for a months only child. Perhaps dad should chip in more, and even give mom the weekends off completely. I'd suggest dad give mom a few hundred bucks and ask her to run off to the mall or have a good nosh with some friends, cut loose, etc.


hey thanks, hows disneyworld?


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## is he married (Sep 9, 2011)

ThirdTimeACharm said:


> Well, if your man did not have your back when you and his sister conflicted, that might be a problem, if you were in the right. If you were in the wrong, then no, you should not expect him to side with you. Too often women demand their husband's backing even if they're in the wrong...not saying this is the case for you however.


- I pointed out this issue to him, telling him that he is unable to defend me against his sister, then he won't be able to make a stand for me against his family if the need arises. I told him that he left me in the center staged. He knew what took place in their house, I didn't ask him to back me up but he knew what his sister was talking about and it's not true. Still he said nothing.

I took this as a form of betrayal. I can't accept it.


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## is he married (Sep 9, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> @OP ~ Does your partner have the opportunity to try and change his shift hours at some point? Is that something that he could be working toward?


- No, sadly he doesn't have that liberty.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> I still want to put a bug in wive's ears, though, about not totally abandoning their spouses. I think each couple needs to find a balance that works for them, but I don't think a wife should totally ignore her husband if at all possible. That's just my opinion.


I agree. It is easy to focus on the kids and their needs, and ignore what each other needs. The best advice I got was that the best thing for your children is to give them happy parents who love each other.


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