# If you noticed your wife was really starting



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

to be a better partner to you, would it relax you and may be more forgiving sometimes?

I'm doing my BEST to try and be a better partner. Being patient, kind, a good listener, relieve his stresses, be more receptive to physical advances, everything (to make up for being a not so great wife in the past). 

But I'll be honest, I'm a little worried about doing something like complaining too much about being stressed, about this pregnancy and how I'll be with this new 2nd baby, etc. I don't want to be a life suck again like I was the first time...

I know husband is a good guy, but I'm just nervous. I don't want to 'turn' him away or off in anyway...


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Yes, It would make a difference to me. the wife and I recently decided to really commit to our marriage, and really try to stop fighting so much....

The difference was like night and day....I woke up in the morning HAPPY, and HAPPY TO SEE HER....

Tell your husband you are really making an effort to be the kind of wife he wants and needs. If he is the great guy you think he is, I am sure it will make a real impression on him.....

Your decision to make the effort to be a better wife is a HUGE thing....You should be proud that you are wise enough to see any possible flaws and are willing to change to fix them....

That is the type of attitude every married person would like his or her mate to have.....:smthumbup:

good luck
the woodchuck


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

yellowstar said:


> to be a better partner to you, would it relax you and may be more forgiving sometimes?


It should. If it didn't I'd be one big pig.



yellowstar said:


> I'm doing my BEST to try and be a better partner. Being patient, kind, a good listener, relieve his stresses, be more receptive to physical advances, everything (to make up for being a not so great wife in the past).
> 
> But I'll be honest, I'm a little worried about doing something like complaining too much about being stressed, about this pregnancy and how I'll be with this new 2nd baby, etc. I don't want to be a life suck again like I was the first time...


First, whether it gets you anywhere or not, being the best partner you can is always worth the effort.

Second, pregnant women are scary. LOTS of hormones going sideways... If you are stressed, tell him so. You need support too and you should expect it from him. Don't be an island.



yellowstar said:


> I know husband is a good guy, but I'm just nervous. I don't want to 'turn' him away or off in anyway...


Stop sweating it. Be loving and all that and it should all be good.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> Yes, It would make a difference to me. the wife and I recently decided to really commit to our marriage, and really try to stop fighting so much....
> 
> The difference was like night and day....I woke up in the morning HAPPY, and HAPPY TO SEE HER....
> 
> ...


Thanks. He definitely notices and sometimes adds, "babe, don't go to the opposite extreme, I want you to be yourself too, don't be too submissive because I know you're not". I said I want us to be happy, you and me and I'm happier being nice, not yelling, letting you make more decisions etc. He said he definitely likes this and is happy. I guess its a shift in our marriage and I want to make sure he's happy...I'm feeling down about what kind of wife I was before and now I'm afraid of losing him...not sure why I wasn't afraid before :scratchhead: I think being pregnant is making me feel pretty vulnerable. 



thatbpguy said:


> It should. If it didn't I'd be one big pig.
> 
> First, whether it gets you anywhere or not, being the best partner you can is always worth the effort.
> 
> ...


Good point, its definitely worth the effort and I think it makes me a better person overall. I was stressed last night and I told him so, he was (as usual) a good listener and talked to me about stuff we could do to make things easier on me and for all of us. Thanks...


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

It'd take me a year or two of consistent good behavior on your part to feel secure again and let my guard down. The fact that you have enough self awareness and are making changes is a huge positive.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Whenever I see an abundance of cheese laid before me, I look for the painful metal bar and the trigger.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Viseral said:


> It'd take me a year or two of consistent good behavior on your part to feel secure again and let my guard down. The fact that you have enough self awareness and are making changes is a huge positive.


Thanks this is good to know. I just have to keep on keeping on and be patient about it. It was years of me being not so good, I need to give it a good amount of time so he can feel 'safe' and open up more to me  I feel really good about it though, I'm glad he seems to like this and seems very appreciative. I want him to more than appreciate, I want him to know that he is a good husband/father/man and that he deserves this. 



unbelievable said:


> Whenever I see an abundance of cheese laid before me, I look for the painful metal bar and the trigger.


Not sure what you mean but I'm guessing you mean you think its 'artificial' what I'm doing? Like he's not buying this or something? I understand what you mean (if this is what you mean) but I am communicating with him the whole time and am self aware. This morning he made me eggs/toast (which he always has done in the past) and I said, if I was being the extreme opposite, I wouldn't allow you to make stuff for me. Plus, (I told him) that being completely submissive is NOT me at all, not even close, so it wouldn't be something I'd do. I just want to be nice, caring, a good listener, attentive to his needs etc...stuff I haven't done in the past. He said he likes it.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I wouldn't trust it.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> I wouldn't trust it.



So be patient and keeping showing him my love and devotion is what you're saying?

By the way, I already notice him being more receptive...like someone else mentioned to me above, being a good spouse to him, makes me a better person overall, regardless of what happens in the future.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> Whenever I see an abundance of cheese laid before me, I look for the painful metal bar and the trigger.


This was me. For years of being on a roller coaster of emotions, I became very leery of ANY attempt by my wife to "make nice"... just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

But she made an effort and I did too and it worked (so far).


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Whenever I see an abundance of cheese laid before me, I look for the painful metal bar and the trigger.












ouch!


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

john_lord_b3 said:


> ouch!




LOL, gotcha. I know its the internet and people see only face value but I know myself and am authentically making a big change on how I treat my husband. Not a trap at all, if anything, these recent experiences has taught me to reflect and see what I did to contribute, to see where I screwed up and realize that if I want this to be loving & long lasting, I need to be a better spouse. That's it. No matter what happens, I can't treat the person I love like that and I want to be a better role model of what a wife is to my kids.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> I wouldn't trust it.


Especially if she kept telling me "See, see! I'm changing!"


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Especially if she kept telling me "See, see! I'm changing!"



Good to know. Although I'm not pointing this out to him. 

One thing I have noticed is that HE has decidedly on his own (absolutely no nagging on my part) has helped out with things, working on to do list stuff without me saying anything. He always has helped in the house/with kids but now he does more and focuses on the details and seems more 'pleasant' about it. It's an unexpected positive outcome from this too. I didn't ever think I could let go of the nagging/badgering and not be resentful but surprisingly its not that hard. I'm focusing on the forest instead of each tree.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

yellowstar said:


> Not sure what you mean but I'm guessing you mean you think its 'artificial' what I'm doing? Like he's not buying this or something? I understand what you mean (if this is what you mean) but I am communicating with him the whole time and am self aware. This morning he made me eggs/toast (which he always has done in the past) and *I said, if I was being the extreme opposite, I wouldn't allow you to make stuff for me. Plus, (I told him) that being completely submissive is NOT me at all, not even close, so it wouldn't be something I'd do*. I just want to be nice, caring, a good listener, attentive to his needs etc...stuff I haven't done in the past. He said he likes it.





yellowstar said:


> Good to know. *Although I'm not pointing this out to him. *


Really?


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Really?


I see what you bolded, that was one conversation on the weekend. But besides that I have not drawn attention to it, instead just 'doing'.

But I do hear you and will keep it in mind if I think about talking my change at all, better to just keep doing. I definitely can tell he notices it all though, I think he seems a bit more at ease. But it's still really early and I know it took years to get to this, it'll take awhile for it to be optimal  I'm not really putting a 'time limit' on it, its a change in my behavior, a change in how I see him, his role, my role, family dynamic etc. My behavior changing is for the better for me and for everyone...I only wish I had done this earlier. I'll add this, the past 6yrs I've been working on my doctorate, so it was easy to stick my head in the sand and be in 'coast' mode. I just graduated and now able to stop, breathe and reflect on who I am, how I treat people etc. Not a good excuse but I'm sure it had something to do with it too :scratchhead:


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> It takes 3 months of good behavior for every year of bad.
> 
> In your case you are looking at 3 years before he trusts you.
> 
> And the clock doesn't start until you get it.


I definitely think I get it now. Not sure why it took me so long to get it...well I kind of do. So much screwed up stuff from my childhood, growing up, my family and then being somewhat 'married' to my work to finish up my doctorate. But now I get it. That's why I'm posting more on here to get a better sense of what to do, what is appropriate, how I can improve myself etc. Last pregnancy I was so focused on myself and baby, this time around husband and I are already having lots of conversations about us, family, kids, schedules, stresses etc. A much better environment I think. Last time I didn't realize I still need to be a wife to him, a sounding board and not just take out stresses on him. It's easier to look back in hindsight though, the first child and complications from my c-section made that time VERY stressful. Being self aware this time has already made this different...hope to continue this. 

I do know that once my mind is made up about something, like reaching a goal, improving myself etc, I'm stubborn enough to stick with it


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

yellowstar said:


> Good to know. Although I'm not pointing this out to him.
> 
> One thing I have noticed is that HE has decidedly on his own (absolutely no nagging on my part) has helped out with things, working on to do list stuff without me saying anything. He always has helped in the house/with kids but now he does more and focuses on the details and seems more 'pleasant' about it. It's an unexpected positive outcome from this too. I didn't ever think I could let go of the nagging/badgering and not be resentful but surprisingly its not that hard. I'm focusing on the forest instead of each tree.


You came on to my post and I appreciate the support. I wanted to add to yours (and I have not read all of the comments yet)
Keep in mind that you can only do what YOU can do. You will and have noticed already the positive effect it has on him. He is feeling more connected to you, and therefore is more aware of your needs emotionally. The emotional connection to a woman is difficult for a man (most). If your foundation is strong, than you can work on almost anything in your marriage. Doing it together and being open and honest about the progress is very important. Not all the time verbalizing it, but once in a while just doing a check in with each other emotionally. Questions like are you happy? Can I do anything for you? These go a long way. For a husband, it is important to feel like a man. His ego is lifted through your kindness to him. He must be valuable to you for you to be kind. Same with physical contact. Too many times I hear wives saying their husbands always want sex. Yes they do, but it is the need to be validated and desired that they are truly searching for more times than not. Woman receive validation very differently. You keep up the good work in your marriage. Let his happiness be yours. In return your happiness will be his, and then you are one. Nothing better than knowing my wife loves me. I think you are feeling that in your marriage and it is making a big difference in your approach to him. Congrats!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

yellowstar said:


> So be patient and keeping showing him my love and devotion is what you're saying?
> 
> By the way, I already notice him being more receptive...like someone else mentioned to me above, being a good spouse to him, makes me a better person overall, regardless of what happens in the future.


I don't what I'm saying. I'd like to think I don't act like a whipped dog but I probably do. I guess the real key is whether you're brave enough to want to see any progress or not. You can't *really* manipulate other people's emotions. All I can say that in my experience, 'nice' is an exception waiting for the other shoe to drop. But if it were genuine I'd feel much differently.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

yellowstar said:


> Thanks. He definitely notices and sometimes adds, "babe, don't go to the opposite extreme, I want you to be yourself too, don't be too submissive because I know you're not". I said I want us to be happy, you and me and I'm happier being nice, not yelling, letting you make more decisions etc.


See, you don't have to change who you are, you just have to change your behavior. Those are two different things. Changing ones behavior is very difficult and it is easy to slip back into old patterns of behavior. When that happens, you ask the other to forgive you by stating the offense, e.g. "I'm sorry I spoke to that way, will you forgive me?" This has worked for me for almost 41 years, and as we all know, men need way more forgiveness than women :rofl:

I have a good book suggestion for you, "Ten Days to Self Esteem." It helps you develop new patterns of behavior. 

One more thing: once we have been "burned" it may take time for trust to be built. Keep trying, keep asking forgiveness, and it will come.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

yellowstar said:


> LOL, gotcha. I know its the internet and people see only face value but I know myself and am authentically making a big change on how I treat my husband. Not a trap at all, if anything, these recent experiences has taught me to reflect and see what I did to contribute, to see where I screwed up and realize that if I want this to be loving & long lasting, I need to be a better spouse. That's it. No matter what happens, I can't treat the person I love like that and I want to be a better role model of what a wife is to my kids.


Amein to that, Mrs. Yellow, those are good intentions.


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