# *Ques for MEN with E.D. or function problems *



## ConfusedWifeyinCA (Sep 25, 2008)

I will try to keep this as short as possible

A little background.. My husband and I dated for 2 1/2 years, got married(our 2nd marriages) and now have been married almost 2 years. We had a very active sexual relationship while dating. We moved into together a few months before we got married. We averaged about 4-5 times a week normally. We are a older couple Im 40 and he is 45 (well not that old-lol). I feel like I am in the prime of my life....

My PROBLEM: We found out we were pregnant a few weeks b4 the marriage. Basically from the day we got married to now, our sexual relationship is almost gone. During my pregnancy he was always monitoring my computer use.. wanting to see my email.. etc..which made me wonder why? So I took a peek at his history one day on his computer. I found out he was surfing live web cams, porn, some explicit MS pictures.. etc. I was really hurt of course cause here I was pregnant with NO sex life and he was doing his thing alone I guess. Now understand i never have had a problem with any of that stuff because our sex life was great! But I guess when your husband seems to have no interest at all... it makes you feel bad and alone. 

At first I figured it was the pregnancy, but I have had the baby and lost my weight.. Im back to normal. Not much as changed. I have written him several emails/letters over the last 2 years asking why we have no sex life. We only intimate about once every 2 mo. IF im lucky! As a woman I find it hard to believe he has No sex drive? Cause I sure do! He is a man!

A couple of months ago I was ready to end the marriage. I thought of everything from him having a affair, to him just having lost interest in me. So the night I said I was going to move outl soon. He confessed to me he had taking Viagra during the time we dated. He said he was embarrassed to tell me. Of course I told him it was ok and I wished he would have told me b4. I was very understanding and thinking "yeahhh we found the reason" but nothing has changed. He said the viagra worked b4 but was worried about side effects. I told him to see a dr and find out if there were other reasons. Like I said its been a few months now and he hasnt done anything. I feel we arent as close emotionally as we were before. My biggest issue is my husband "seems" to have no sexual interest in me. It is hard to think that he gets off on other women but Im nothing? I mean I want to be with him and it has gotten to the point were I wish i could just sleep with a man to get it out of my system (but I would never cheat). I really want to sleep with my husband, but its frustrating when a man is laying next to you every single night and could care less. When we have been intimate it has been because either I wrote a letter or complained to him.. my problem and big question is....

*Men who are dealing with E.D., dont you still want your wife sexually? Do you still make passes at her? 

Do you try other things to please your wife? Is the sex drive still there? Do you think he may be having a affair? Im just at a loss....and VERY frustrated!*Help!

Sorry it wasnt so short


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

While I donot have, ED, I would be DEVESTATED to know I did have it, I would really be crushed.

It would be really hard to explain to the woman I love and explain my desires for her, when I can't show it...Physically.

I think you need to talk to a Doctor about this and talk it over with your husband, of what you can do to help.

Take it as a challenge, roll with it and see how you can help his psych as well as your own.

He has a physical problem, now he finally told you about his embarrassing situation, which is very tough for a man to handle, now tackle it to gether and see what you can do to help him in this area.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Let's deal with the porn first.

I want to get down to the mechanics of the situation. If a man watches porn, and plays with himself until he ejaculates, then the ejaculation will take away all his sexual desire during the refractory period. This can be from 20 minutes to a few hours, depending on age and genetics. However, what is also true but less discussed is that even after the refractory period, most men over 30 find that after one ejaculation in say the morning, even by the evening, desire will not be so strong. They can obtain erection, they can even ejaculate, but it will not be as fun for them. 

So for men, ejaculation lets of steam. If a man with ED reduces his ejaculations to once per week, he will find he gets erections more frequently. Basically he is "gagging for it".

Now for the other part. If your husband is interested in making you feel good, he could stimulate you with his fingers quite easily. If you get him in the habit of doing this 3 times a week, he will get used to it.

I have more to say, but I will see how this goes down first...


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

What a ruse. Viagra doesnt increase sex drive. It only helps get you hard. He is using porn to satisfy his sex cravings and is ignoring you. The girls on the computer bring him more satisfaction. The way your sex dropped off is an indication he has completly lost interest in you. Porn is ruining your relationship.

You need to confront him and be very firm with the choices he has with you. You or the porn.


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## ConfusedWifeyinCA (Sep 25, 2008)

*Just want to say thank you for the input so far...*

It gives me a lot to think about. I guess I wanted to know more, why he doesnt EVER attempt to have sexual relations with me.... even now that he has told me about this. 

The night he told me about him have E.D. we had sex. .. Now it wasnt very long but we had sex.. It was almost like make-up sex but then of course he couldnt maintain the erection entirely...but lets say.. It was a release for me ... meaning I did have the big O! He didnt.... 

I guess you never want to think your spouse is cheating, but it crosses my mind a lot. I guess its hard for me to understand. I feel I am a good looking woman.. I mean I get up everyday and make sure I always look nice... Im told I look in my late 20's.. in fact people think my 19 yr old daughter and I are sisters very often. Regardless.. Im am the lady he sees everyday...I feel maybe he is bored with me? 

Let me be clear that we were and would be very sexually adventerous if we were having sex.. but it doesnt seem to happen. So I dont feel like its that I dont fufill his desires.... or I should say.. used to. As far as the Porn... I honestly am not sure what he is doing anymore. I dont check his history and frankly dont want to know if that makes sense? He doesnt have as much time alone anyway to do it. His computer is now in a more public part of our house so I doubt he would do it anymore at home... but at work who knows??

So now I came up with this issue.. He came home with some Viagra the other night. He said he got it from a friend. Looks like samples. He hasnt even attempted to touch me. Now, today, its Friday night and at 10:30pm he says... Im going to bed. I go up about 15 min later to change and he is out cold asleep. My 1 yr old son was still up so I had to stay up with him till he got tired. I would think and I guess was falsely hoping he would wait for our son to fall asleep tonight so we could be together. Im guessing he will not attempt anything at all .. Im guessing he only brought this viagra to shut me up.. well at least that is how I feel.

I know someone mentioned I need to be understanding. Yes you are correct and I think I am and have been. I have been going through 2 years of this now... since he told me about it .. nothing has changed. Maybe he see's me as the mother of his child now and not a sex object? Could that be a reason? AND the person who said he has just lost interest in me... Yes i agree that is a strong possibilty.

Im still lost over here on this Friday night..


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## ConfusedWifeyinCA (Sep 25, 2008)

brad said:


> What a ruse. Viagra doesnt increase sex drive. It only helps get you hard. He is using porn to satisfy his sex cravings and is ignoring you. The girls on the computer bring him more satisfaction. The way your sex dropped off is an indication he has completly lost interest in you. Porn is ruining your relationship.
> 
> You need to confront him and be very firm with the choices he has with you. You or the porn.


Yes, I believe that he does gets off on the porn girls more because they are someone new.... and DO DEF agree that viagra is only a tool. I did fail to mention he was surfing craigslist prostitutes (when I was prego) and when confronted... he said he only looked at the ads because he saw a news story on it.. NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK I THOUGHT OF THAT ONE??


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## ConfusedWifeyinCA (Sep 25, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Let's deal with the porn first.
> 
> I want to get down to the mechanics of the situation. If a man watches porn, and plays with himself until he ejaculates, then the ejaculation will take away all his sexual desire during the refractory period. This can be from 20 minutes to a few hours, depending on age and genetics. However, what is also true but less discussed is that even after the refractory period, most men over 30 find that after one ejaculation in say the morning, even by the evening, desire will not be so strong. They can obtain erection, they can even ejaculate, but it will not be as fun for them.
> 
> ...


Yes I see what you're saying but he NEVER attempts to be with me sexually. If I could get him to use his fingers.. believe me... that would be something... right now I get nothing. Its just sad when you have to TELL your husband to come on to you... I dont know ANY of my girl friends that have to tell their man to sleep with them or anything else. Men, for the most part have that drive all the time dont they? I sure do!


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## ConfusedWifeyinCA (Sep 25, 2008)

GAsoccerman said:


> While I donot have, ED, I would be DEVESTATED to know I did have it, I would really be crushed.
> 
> It would be really hard to explain to the woman I love and explain my desires for her, when I can't show it...Physically.
> 
> ...


My issue is more that I know the Viagra makes things great (he used it b4), but it doesnt seem he has much drive to deal with it? Like I said in a posting.. he has had Viagra in our house now a couple days and nothing yet.... Im still waiting.... Wouldnt you think he would have come home and said tonight is the night baby??? lol This is why I dont understand this... Its Friday night and the kids are asleep.. Im here on the computer... yeahhhh lol


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## ConfusedWifeyinCA (Sep 25, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> Sorry. I'm not a man! But I have a thought on this. Men PLEASE correct me if I'm wrong on this one because I don't want to give bad advice. But... could it be that he's looking at those porn images--grasping at straws-- to get aroused? I would think this would be embarassing for a man. Maybe he's too embarrassed to go to the doctor. Again-- trying to think like a man here-- it's a huge part of his identity as a man. I would think it would cause him to withdraw from you somewhat because he's ashamed of something that's out of his control. I would recommend reassuring him that you think no less of him and love him unconditionally. Then, lovingly explain to him that you would like to have the intimacy if he would consider going to the doctor for help.


He mentioned the reason embarrased to go to the Dr is because he works for a hospital and is scared someone will access his medical records and find out. I told him that is against the law but he says he knows it happens. My take is why do you care IF someone saw..if it saves our relationship? I sometimes think he is having a affair.. with someone at work...maybe im just thinking too much?


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## tascam (Sep 26, 2008)

You could also offer to watch the porn with him and try to get sexual at that time.


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

What impresses me about you is that your not coming across as desperate. You are trying to figure this out in a rational way.

John Grey who wrote women are from venus men from Mars has stated that when he first did therapy he was shocked at all the model type women who came to him because their husband's didnt touch them. The reason this happens is because some men never evolve out of the physical element. Meaning they see sex as a physical act vs. making love. Everyone's mind will tire of sex if a man has only his basic instinct involved with the woman he is with. 

The question you have to ask yourself is can your husband evolve? You need to confront him and decide if it's worth it for you to work with him on his issues. Many men have porn issues. I was into porn when I first met my wife because I was single for a long time. It took me a while to evolve in that sense. Now all my energy is directed at my wife.

By the way he is making excuses about the hospital and his medical records. I work at a hospital. My insurance is from the hospital. Nobody cares what he does in regards to going to the doctor. Another piss poor excuse by him.


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## ConfusedWifeyinCA (Sep 25, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> With all the porn you said he views, could porn addiction be a possiblity?


I Honestly dont know. He really wouldnt have much time to do it at home. Only if he did it at work, but I dont think he would risk his job, but who knows?


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## ConfusedWifeyinCA (Sep 25, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> With all the porn you said he views, could porn addiction be a possiblity?


One more thing.. when I caught him doing this.. I was pregnant and working full time. So I wasnt home a lot because I worked swing shift. So not sure if he just did it then and stopped or what?


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## ConfusedWifeyinCA (Sep 25, 2008)

tascam said:


> You could also offer to watch the porn with him and try to get sexual at that time.


We used to.. but he doesnt share his sexuality with me at all now. We are pretty non sexual... I know he HAS to think about sex because I do. Remember he has had his Viagra for a week now.. and Nothing still!


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## ConfusedWifeyinCA (Sep 25, 2008)

brad said:


> What impresses me about you is that your not coming across as desperate. You are trying to figure this out in a rational way.
> 
> John Grey who wrote women are from venus men from Mars has stated that when he first did therapy he was shocked at all the model type women who came to him because their husband's didnt touch them. The reason this happens is because some men never evolve out of the physical element. Meaning they see sex as a physical act vs. making love. Everyone's mind will tire of sex if a man has only his basic instinct involved with the woman he is with.
> 
> ...



What I completely agree with you about is that directing your energy toward your wife is what marriage is about isnt it? I understand married life can take some adjusting to, but I would think by now we would have fallen into this. I mean we have both been married before. 

The part regarding the Viagra. Well he has had it for a week now and has not tried ONCE to advance toward me or even hint at sex. Its really frustrating, but I am trying hard to give him time. I guess in my experience as a woman and being married before. I have NEVER ever had to ask for sex. Most men always want it. 

I know MOST women miss more the the emotional part, but frankly I love the physical part more than the hugging and kissing. I mean I have always thought more like a man than a woman, as I am a NON cuddler lol ... but when you come down to the basics, we all Crave the sexual experience.. we are only human. I guess I just feel he HAS to crave it.. but like the point you made, its not towards me I suppose? I wait and wait and hope and hope that it will change. I feel deep down inside it wont. I will stick around for a while, but honestly it things dont change him and I will end up divorced. I stay right now for my family sake. Him and I have a son together.. and with my other two and his we have 4 kids. I dont want to break that up. I mean we have other "stepfamily" issues but Im trying hard to work through those too... Any other advice?

Should I stick it out? Leave? I wont every stray but I have honestly thought about how nice it would be to have a lover again one day if him and I did split up.. but then I feel like Im being selfish too... So much to think about....


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

You want sex, yet you are afraid to initiate...

If you are thinking of leaving anyway, why not put it on the line? Tell him if he does not make an effort you are going. If he says that is too muck pressure, give me time - don't buy it. There will never be a right time. even if he can't get it up, he can use his hands on you. Insist on it. If he was genuine about wanting to do something this would actually take the pressure off him because he know that finger do not need to become erect in order to perform. 

I suspect that when you became pregnant, the though of you being a mother was what finally did it.

His problems I suspect, are mostly in his head.

There are 2 types of ED. Physical and Psychogenic.
Viagra helps primarily with the physical type. This is when the man has desire, but there is no response.

The psychogenic type, is basically cased by fear stress and tension. It's often called performance anxiety. I had this at 2 points in my life. (I found a cure in both cases that did not involve drugs, and I can now go all night every night). It's very malleable though. The fear of loosing you might give him something *real* to think about, and actually help him focus.


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## mjr810 (Aug 24, 2008)

Well, first I think I would be very careful with and fully digest Brad's comments before you act as result of them.

Why? He suggests an ultimatum....you or the porn. Its never wise to back another person into a corner; it is likely they'll come out swinging. You appear to be above that sort of thing, though. From your writings, it seems you are trying to get at the root of the problem with the goal of solving it.

Second, it is a fact that upper management accesses medical records of their employees. He is not being paranoid. It has become such a problem that legislatures have enacted laws against it. You would have to be pretty naive to think that that made it all go away. Personal privacy is important to me; I suspect it is also for your husband. In the end, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, it only matters what HE thinks. And, (one more step to this) if HE thinks someone is looking down their nose at him after he supposes that someone has checked his records, well, that's a whole 'nother can 'o worms.

I will say this, though. He has the option to go to another town, see a doctor there, and pay in cash.

Regarding porn, I personally don't get anything out of it. Same with drinking. I like the way I feel and don't have any desire to escape it. Drinking gives me a headache; it doesn't make me 'feel good'. But I digress.....my point is that I know other perfectly normal people who drink and look at porn. Who's to say what is right? 

About the craigslist thing. Until a recent story broke here about some escorts getting busted (they'd been advertising) I had never even HEARD of craigslist. What did I do? I went straight to my computer and searched for craigslist. 

One more thing...I think your husband may be in shock. You are in your 40's and going to be parents again. I can tell you, news like that would knock me on my a#&. Oh, you might also tell him about Testosterone treatment. Viagra may help with the physical part, but T will help with the desire.


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## ConfusedWifeyinCA (Sep 25, 2008)

Okay well I have read all the postings. Thank you again for all the input. 

Well last Saturday everything came to a head! The husband fell asleep downstairs. I went upstairs to put our son to bed. His phone was laying on the ground (my son was playing with it earlier). Long story short.. I was gonna put it on the charger and noticed it said he had a email from Yahoo. I opened it up and looked. His inbox was fairly normal. I went to his deleted box and there it was. Correspondence with some girl he met online, asking if she was free to meet him for lunch. Then found out he also emailed someone on craiglist personals.. and some girl on Myspace whos headline reads "Cum get Sum". Gee wonder if she is a nice girl!! LOL Oh boy! 

Basically that was it for me! Im done.. that was the deal breaker. I told him I am gonna divorce him. I told him it all made sense now because I figure he must be doing something on the side, that is prob why he never wants to sleep with me.

So last night we were in bed.. at 330 am.. he woke up... Tell me why he came on to me? Why he wanted to sleep with me now? So of course I did (with reserves) because I never hardly get to have sex period! Tell me why he finished just fine, foreplay and sex! I find it hard to believe Viagra is needed. I think its all in his head as someone mentioned b4. 

My take is - now that he thinks he is losing me I have became a sexual person again? I think he likes the chase... and was bored because he "had me". Anyway what do you think about that?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

ConfusedWifeyinCA said:


> My take is - now that he thinks he is losing me I have became a sexual person again? I think he likes the chase... and was bored because he "had me". Anyway what do you think about that?


He is despicable, because he was getting off elsewhere and leaving you frustrated, and giving you at best a half truth. You must now insist on the truth.

Having said that, if you are content to keep him on for a bit longer, don't make him feel so guilty he can't get an erection, otherwise you will be the main looser. Still you can have fun using him. In fact, I think you should insist on him learning about semen retention. It is almost impossible to not get an erection if you practise this. Here is a link to my site: Semen Retention
I am very interested to know what you will do next.


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