# Man's Point of View on this? Long, sorry, but could really use any advice!



## MadeMistakes (Apr 26, 2011)

Hi all,

First off, I know this is long, but if you could read through it and offer some advice I'd really appreciate it.

My husband and I have been battling our share of problems for over a year now. Here is just some basic background information: We're both 24. We dated for a year before getting engaged, and were engaged for about 10 months before our wedding. We lived together for a full year prior to our wedding. He moved to his home town (where we agreed to settle down together) about 3 months before the wedding, while I stayed behind to finish school and plan the wedding (my family lives there) and he started working. I got pregnant one month after the wedding. Son was born 10 months after being married. I think that's the majority of the background info...

We know we got married way too fast and way too young. We also know that we had our son way too quickly following our marriage. We have had to do a lot of growing up in the past two years together.

Since last summer he has been telling me that he doesn't think that "this" (our marriage) is going to work. He was dissatisfied with how I cleaned the house (or didn't clean the house, rather), lack of cooking dinners, inability to do things with our son by myself, unhappy with how I was causing conflict with his family members (his dad and stepmom, as well as his mom). We went to marriage counseling. We went from September through November. Then, we stopped going, we felt better. We were on the same page, we learned to communicate with one another, learned to communicate better. These were good things. I also got much, much better at cleaning the house, cooking dinners, etc. I realized this meant (still means) so much to him because it is his love language. I realized by not doing these things just how much it hurt him. Now, throughout the past year things haven't been awesome all the time. We've had fights/arguments/disagreements. He's brought up divorce a few more times, but it always ends with us vowing to "do better."

In March of this year, one year after our son was born, it was as though a fog lifted off of me. I realized then that I really, strongly, truly feel as though I had undiagnosed PPD. I could step back and see just how horrible I had been. Just how much stress I had caused in his life, in my life. But we had made it out of the fog, and I told him that I felt differently and that I was me again. When I returned from my son's birthday (we went to where I'm from to celebrate with my family and my husband stayed behind due to work) things were absolutely great. He even commented on it and agreed. He said if things continued like this he didn't see any reason why we wouldn't be together for the rest of our lives. I felt a huge rush of relief and happiness.

The next day, a lot of crap went down. My family told his mother (someone who I have worked VERY hard at repairing my relationship with, and have come a very, very long ways with - and, we are still friendly now) that I had her facebook password and had been reading her messages, etc. His mom came over, furious, and called me on the carpet about it. I denied it (and I swear to you, it was/is NOT true) and she and I came to terms, patched things up. He, however, split. He went to go and "sort things out" for himself. When he came home he had decided that he needed to get away. He said "I know you're going to be mad, but I need to go to xxx" (his family owns a private, secluded area with cabins and he wanted to get away - no cell phone coverage, no internet, no tv, no electricity, etc.). I think I threw him for a loop when I simply said "ok, when do you think you'll be back?" We talked that night. I cried, of course. He apologized, but said that he loved me. He left the next morning and I was a "single parent" until he returned the following night. When he came home, we hugged and kissed, and I couldn't help it. I leaned back from having a kiss and said "so...what did you decide?" and he said again "I really don't think that this is going to work." I cried, said ok, but then proceeded to talk to him about it while we cared for our son, put him to bed, etc.

We talked a lot that night. He acknowledged how much I had changed and how much "better" I had been/had gotten. How much better our relationship had gotten from last fall. But he said that it still didn't feel right. He didn't feel happy. He said he knows that I'm doing everything right and that he should be happy, and he really appreciates everything that I've done and all of the changes I've made. We talked and talked. I told him that I appreciated him talking to me and telling me how he felt/feels. He told me that he had second thoughts before the wedding, but didn't want to call it off because he didn't want my dad to have wasted all of that money, to have had all of our friends and family come into town just to turn around and leave again. But he said he still loved me, but that the spark was gone. He said that we're still great friends, that we get along, etc. That he loves our son. I asked him what he expected marriage to be that this wasn't turning out to be? He had no answer, said "I'll have to think about that" and "I'm not sure". I asked him what he expected a wife to be that I wasn't being, and, again, he had no answer.

We slept together that night. We had sex that night (pretty good sex, even). We held hands during all of our talking, we still hugged and kissed and said we loved each other. Over the next few days, we just talked a lot. We showed affection, I kept doing the things that I had been doing, he put in a lot of time at his business, we supported one another, we went on hikes together and talked. That weekend we sat down and he told me all of the things he needed to say, that he hadn't been saying. He apologized in advance that they may be some harsh things. I took them all without tears, without objection, without arguing. He told me what had to happen in order for the marriage to work. I wrote them down. Then he asked me what he needs to do, according to me, for the marriage to work. We had a good talk. Productive. We wrote things down, hugged, kissed, "made up." I felt happy and hopeful again.

Two weeks later, he was telling me that he was tired of faking. That he was just going through the motions. I was devastated, as apparently his faking was really good (I still doubt that he was truly faking, at least the whole time). We talked. I begged him for time. I told him that I needed him to REALLY try for a good chunk of time. Like, at least months. Allow himself to love me and show me his love, allow me to love him and for him to accept my love. Allow himself to be happy. I apologized for all of the crap I had put him through, apologized that I had been so selfish and lazy for quite some time, apologized that we were where we were. I asked him for time to show him that THIS me was the real me - not a temporary change, but the "new normal." He agreed to time. We didn't set a time limit, but he agreed to really trying for "a while." Again, we held hands throughout this, we said "I love you," we hugged and kissed and touched and were genuine and caring for one another. I believe we had sex that night, too. I thanked him for opening up to me and talking to me, rather than shoving things aside and internalizing them like he usually does/did. He apologized for doing "this" to me.

That was a month ago. And since then, he really has seemed that he's been trying. We made love - not just sex - and he seemed SO genuine. He did something that he hadn't done in a long, long time, which was stop in the middle, look me in the eyes, and say "I love you, MadeMistakes." He used to do that all the time, and then when he did that, I really felt like things were going great. That time was working. I asked him, nonchalantly (I had made a personal decision to stop talking to him about our relationship and just letting time go by and be happy in the moment), I said "so...is time working?" and he thought for a bit and said, "Yeah. It is." I could've sang from the rooftops I was so happy!

From then, things have continued the way that they were. And then his best friend came into town on Monday. His best friend is a single guy in the air force, parties, works out a ton (my husband misses being able to find the time to fit this into his day, and used to be very, very fit), has no responsibilities and no one to answer to. However, they are very, very good friends and care very much for one another. I'm not saying that he's a bad influence, but rather, maybe he is showing my husband just what my husband is "missing" by having a wife and kid and being tied down.

Last night my husband had said he'd be home "between six and seven" knowing my husband, I knew that meant closer to seven than anything. I said ok, if there's any chance that you can come home sooner rather than later I'd REALLY appreciate it because I have an assignment due for school (online masters program) tonight and DS isn't the best at facilitating getting that done. He said ok. At 7:15 he wasn't home and hadn't called or texted, either. I called him, it rang once, then kicked to voicemail. So, he had "ignored" the call. Ok, maybe he was on the other line, no big deal. I called him again at 7:30 when I hadn't heard from him (our son goes to bed at 8 and is very upset if he doesn't get to see "dada" before he goes to bed). Again a couple rings and it kicked to voicemail. Ok, fine. I resolved then that I wouldn't call him again. He walked through the door 10 minutes later. He gave me a kiss and sat down on the floor to play with our son and I. He told me that he had had a beer "with the guys" while also getting some work done. I told him that that was fine, I was happy that he had had a good time, but I would have appreciated a phone call or text message just to know what to expect (this has been an ongoing "issue" in our marriage - I like to know when he's going to be later than expected just so that I know what's going on and how to plan out accordingly). He said "ok, sorry."

This turned into a conversation about how he still wasn't feeling "it." That, yes, he loves me, but the spark is gone. That he feels like we're really good friends, but not a whole lot else. I said that I thought time was working, that he had even said that time was working. He said, yeah, it was. I said then I think we owe it to ourselves, and our son, to give it even MORE time. We let things be bad for over a year, shouldn't we give ourselves more than a month to counteract/counterweight those bad feelings with the good feelings we were having? I asked him again what he expected from marriage that this wasn't being - he, again, had no answer. Same thing when I asked him what he was expecting from a wife that I wasn't being. By the end of the night he told me that the conversation we were having wasn't him telling me that it was over or that he wanted a divorce right then and there, but rather so that I knew where he was at and how he was feeling over the past month. I said, ok, so you're saying we're going to still give it more time? He said yes. I said "can you promise me that you'll REALLY try? Not that you haven't been, but that you'll continue to do that? And that when negative feelings or doubts about our relationship or marriage in general you'll remind yourself of all of the good things in our relationship and marriage rather than dwell on those negative feelings and second guess everything?" He said yes. And I asked him to promise me that we would just take divorce off of the table though August. That we weren't even going to say the word. He kind of chuckled, but I told him that I thought it would be really good for us, and that I would appreciate if we could do that. And so he agreed. We had sex. Really, really amazing sex. We continued to say "I love you." We held hands throughout our talks, when I cried he comforted me, he reassured me that regardless of what happens he promises that everything will turn out alright, we hugged and kissed frequently. We also joked, laughed, and had fun.

Today has been a "normal" day for the two of us. We got along this morning, worked well together as a team, communicated with one another throughout the day, etc. His mom talked with him and told me that he has some more things that he should share with me, but she wasn't going to share them with me because they're his things to say. She said they're "personality issues." So I had hope last night and this morning, but now, because of that, I'm feeling uneasy.

Does anybody have any advice? Any words of wisdom? Any suggestions?

Thank you for reading...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I gather y'all haven't been married all that long. It takes time and patience to learn to live with another human being and y'all went practically from being carefree and single to being parents in a short time. He hasn't left or given you any indication that he seriously wants to. I'm guessing just about every newly married man has had feelings of doubt the first year or two. Most of us have sense enough to keep these thoughts to ourselves. Yours likes to talk, apparently. You sound like a great woman and I'm sure he finds lots to appreciate about you. I wouldn't ask him too much about what he's thinking. Just keep on doing the best you can and forgive yourself when you fail. He has as many reasons to save the marriage as you do (probably more). The first couple years are always a little strange.


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## MadeMistakes (Apr 26, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> I gather y'all haven't been married all that long. It takes time and patience to learn to live with another human being and y'all went practically from being carefree and single to being parents in a short time. He hasn't left or given you any indication that he seriously wants to. I'm guessing just about every newly married man has had feelings of doubt the first year or two. Most of us have sense enough to keep these thoughts to ourselves. Yours likes to talk, apparently. You sound like a great woman and I'm sure he finds lots to appreciate about you. I wouldn't ask him too much about what he's thinking. Just keep on doing the best you can and forgive yourself when you fail. He has as many reasons to save the marriage as you do (probably more). The first couple years are always a little strange.


Thank you for your advice, I appreciate it. You are correct - we are just about to celebrate our second anniversary in the upcoming month.


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

Had this happen to me in high school, was dating a girl my senior year had been together for like three months when one day my boy calls me. "Hey NG13 I came across DSS (dirty skanky ****) while out partying and she hit me. You know me man if she does it again especialy if I am tore up you know I am going to tear it up." "hey bro you can have her at least you had the balls to tell me, just know you start dating her and I ain't coming by while she at your pad." "Yeah man I know" 

DSS tried to play it all innocent. A month later was Senior Prom I had already bought tickets for her and I am a man of my word so I still "took" her to prom. The plan was originaly for me to pick her up after prom going to another buddy's house that I worked "security" for when he had parties and party there. New plan I made her go buy an 1/8 of good weed then pick me up, looking fly in my mob suit I went to the prom ignoring her except to smoke all the weed I told her I would pay her for. Then made her drop her back off at my place where my cute next door neighbor who has a history with DSS came running out and wrapped herself around me. said my hellos to her went to my sister's car grabbed my bottle of Captain grabbed my cute neighbor went inside her house and turned off the lights. Didn't say a word to DSS.

DSS decided to carry on with the original plan. My buddy who was dating her was already at the party house but me and him had already talked. The buddy who actualy ran the house opened the door when she knocked saw her and said sorry I don't allow DSS in my house. Then my boy popped his head out and said btw thanks for the sex NG13 was right though you weren't worth it. 

She dropped out of high school after that.

*editors note for the record the sex was actually great she insisted on swallowing every load.

Needless to say these aren't women and get everything that is coming to them. I obviously wouldn't go that far ever again but its a fond vindictive memory.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Niceguy13 said:


> Had this happen to me in high school, was dating a girl my senior year had been together for like three months when one day my boy calls me. "Hey NG13 I came across DSS (dirty skanky ****) while out partying and she hit me. You know me man if she does it again especialy if I am tore up you know I am going to tear it up." "hey bro you can have her at least you had the balls to tell me, just know you start dating her and I ain't coming by while she at your pad." "Yeah man I know"
> 
> DSS tried to play it all innocent. A month later was Senior Prom I had already bought tickets for her and I am a man of my word so I still "took" her to prom. The plan was originaly for me to pick her up after prom going to another buddy's house that I worked "security" for when he had parties and party there. New plan I made her go buy an 1/8 of good weed then pick me up, looking fly in my mob suit I went to the prom ignoring her except to smoke all the weed I told her I would pay her for. Then made her drop her back off at my place where my cute next door neighbor who has a history with DSS came running out and wrapped herself around me. said my hellos to her went to my sister's car grabbed my bottle of Captain grabbed my cute neighbor went inside her house and turned off the lights. Didn't say a word to DSS.
> 
> ...


What on earth are you on???


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

AFEH said:


> What on earth are you on???


Lol. I think it's posted in the wrong thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Mistakes,

Working it out is great, but what he is doing to you is borderline emotional abuse. How long are you going to let him play your emotions so severely until YOU check out? He needs to grow up. Being young is no excuse. Or you have to get him to eventually give you an ultimatum. Work on this or not. Make a decision and stick to it already.

Btw. You should never ever let his mother talk to you that way. Be strong and calm, but tell her she has no right to treat you in such a disrespectful manner. Regardless of what happened. If she continued to rant, I would have told her discussion is over until you calm down and decide to talk about things more maturely. In the end, don't be afraid of her not liking you. She may not like you, but she will respect you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MadeMistakes (Apr 26, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> Mistakes,
> 
> Working it out is great, but what he is doing to you is borderline emotional abuse. How long are you going to let him play your emotions so severely until YOU check out? He needs to grow up. Being young is no excuse. Or you have to get him to eventually give you an ultimatum. Work on this or not. Make a decision and stick to it already.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your words, I really appreciate them. I know that what he is doing to me is not right - and I know that if I had a friend in my situation I would be giving her different advice than what I myself am following in this situation. However, I love the man. I really, really do. And I know that he loves me. And we both love our son immensely, and we're both very good parents. I can't help but stick it out as long as we can and really work on making this work. To me, marriage is not something you simply quit when the going gets rough. That's when it's time to get yourself together and fight on through it.

The problem with this whole situation is that I know he is happy. Is he as happy as he once was when mom and dad paid all of the bills, he didn't have a job (and he's a self employed business owner just entering his second year, no less), didn't have a wife, didn't have a kid...yeah, no joke he was probably a little happier a little more often in "those days." But those days are over. He's no longer happy-go-lucky Mr. Mistakes, but I'm pretty sure that life does that to you, especially when things aren't going your way right at that moment. But we're still good together. We laugh, joke, have fun, support each other, encourage each other, compliment each other, work together as a team very well, have good conversation, enjoy each other's company, parent together well, tag team daily tasks together, still have the same interests and hobbies, etc. So if he's faking those things he's a DARN good faker, but I just don't think that he could fake all of those things, to the degree that they are happening, on a consistent basis, if it isn't the way he truly feels. Does he second guess things at times? Probably. I think we all do at one point or another. Does the grass look greener on the other side? Probably - it usually does.

But aside from telling him to grow up, I don't see any other option than to simply wait it out and wait for him to figure out that, hey, this isn't so bad, I can do this for the rest of my life.

Sorry, I kind of rambled. I appreciate what you had to say, and would welcome any other advice that you have to give. Thank you.


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## MadeMistakes (Apr 26, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> Lol. I think it's posted in the wrong thread.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ha, thanks, glad I'm not the only one confused by this response.


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