# Hi. Is it ever OK?



## gabagool (Jan 10, 2009)

Hi.

I've been on other marriage sites, and frankly, I can understand why certain posters mates cant stand them. They take the websites theme and distort it, using the basic ideas to humiliate and exact revenge on being wronged. While I can understand the anger, the BS was just to hard to take. I hope this is different.

While my marital problems are long and complicated, my question is simple.

Is it EVER ok to leave your wife and kids in an attempt to shock or jump start SOME KIND OF RECONCILIATION? I mean, my life at home at this point is one of a money provider and THATS IT. 

I've tried EVERYTHING I could think of to get SOMETHING going. We are in counseling, but thats simply a 45 minute window in 7 days where we talk. The rest of the week-NADA. And I mean NADA. I don't know of upcoming parties, vacations, purchases, doctor appointments, nothing. When my wife first demanded a divorce (which she hasn't begun yet) I tried 6 months of close to perfection of a husband as possible (for me) Nothing. I've tried bluster, Ive tried tears, I've tried threats, nothing. I Know I've tried good stratagies as well as bad. The only one left is to leave. 

I haven't left because I didn't want to use money on living expenses that my wife and kids could use. I was looking forward to a big time raise in a few weeks, almost a DOUBLE in salary, plus a big bonus. I was hoping my wife could see first hand that all my efforts in getting a business was finally going somewhere and our sacrifices would begin to pay off. But, after a lousier than usual week, toxic friends, I am thinking about keeping the bonus and using the extra money to find a place. In other words, my moving out wouldn't lower my families income, something that I like. 

Don't get me wrong, I am moving out if effort to move CLOSER. I know it doesn't make sense, but I've run out of options. My wife agreed to go to counseling, but outside that appointment, she maked NO effort to make things better. And every time I doe something that ticks her off (sometimes I AM at fault, but not always) she uses that incident to say "See what you did, just when I was ready to come around!!) ANd I kick my self in the ass.

One last thing. My wife was a serious practicing Catholic. I'm catholic too and my search for faith has helped me tremendously these past 19 months. So I think she is trying to come up with enough reasons and EXCUSES to divorce me. My kids, my parents and HER parents are all supporting me, and telling her to stop and try and reconcile. Of that, I am appreciative.

SOrry about the length. Anybody else leave and it helped reconcile or am I just in a state of wishful thinking? Thank you very much for your time.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

gabagool said:


> Is it EVER ok to leave your wife and kids in an attempt to shock or jump start SOME KIND OF RECONCILIATION? I mean, my life at home at this point is one of a money provider and THATS IT.


i can't speak for everyone. but i do believe there is a place for "shock value," but i don't think it's within a marriage. i do think you are prepared for an ultimatum, but structure it with safety for your spouse in mind.

talk to your counselor. tell him/her that you are trying to reconcile a marriage, not make his/her boat payment. you and your wife need some homework! that would lend itself to communication outside that 45 minute every 7 days you refer to. ask the counselor to give you both some structured excercises to do together. what is going on now isn't working.

now, after you've been assigned communication homework, think about the ultimatum. but again, provide safety for your spouse. give her a reason to begin communicating, something like "it seems that i have been doing a lot of work, trying to make our marriage work. i need to see a sign from you that you want it to work, otherwise why am i trying so hard to help us heal. tell me you are able to do our assigned excercises or i can't continue feeding into this unhealthy part of our life." something like that.


gabagool said:


> I've tried bluster, Ive tried tears, I've tried threats, nothing. I Know I've tried good stratagies as well as bad. The only one left is to leave.


well, that's not the ONLY thing left to do. see my thread "separation is killing me...help" and you'll get an idea of what else you CAN do.


gabagool said:


> My wife agreed to go to counseling, but outside that appointment, she maked NO effort to make things better.


understand this. her agreeing to counseling is HUGE. that's a major concession for a woman who has said the word "divorce" to you.


gabagool said:


> And every time I do something that ticks her off (sometimes I AM at fault, but not always) she uses that incident to say "See what you did, just when I was ready to come around!!)


she is telling you she WANTS to "come around!!!" don't do those things that "tick her off!!!"





gabagool said:


> my search for faith has helped me tremendously these past 19 months.


has this been going on for 19 months?


----------



## gabagool (Jan 10, 2009)

Well, its funny, our therapist said that while our marriage is on life support, there seems to be a FAINT heartbeat. I don't buy it.
SHe promised our sobbing kids that she would agree to go to counseling. So she goes. She's pulling the perfect Bill Clinton.
"See, I'm going to counseling, I'm trying".

I think next week I'm gonna try your advice on the MC. We need extra curricular exercises. I'm sure she'll balk, but this 45 minute junk is killing me. Feelings and anger and frustration and sadness build up inside me all week long and when I have my 45 minutes (because we NEVER, EVER discuss our marriage at home, she actually THANKS me for this!)I just babble like an idiot, trying to get the whole weeks worth of feelings out.....following my heart and not my head, not always a smart thing.

Yeah, 19 months ago, she said she wanted a divorce. I haven't TOUCHED (and by touched, I MEAN actually touched my wife since 2007. Its just going nowhere. I just see it as her trying to come up with enough excuses to throw our vows OUT THE WINDOW. (We both emphasized that NO DIVORCE thing for the 7 years we dated and most of our marriage). So while I realize many many people see divorce as a viable option, it was CLEAR and UNDERLINED by BOTH of us. N-0 D-I-V-O-R-C-E ever, for ANY reason. Well except for physical abuse or an unwillingness to maintain fidelity, which I'VE never broken (though I've been tempted, I admit) and I believe she has been faithful also. I feel like I've been lied to and now there is a GOOD chance that MY life will be changing WITHOUT ME having any say it it. It almost seems criminal. Shoot its harder to get out of an auto lease than it is to scoot out of a marriage.

But, thanks for the advice, I'm gonna bring it up to the MC.

PS: Is your post you adviced me to read in this section??


----------



## gabagool (Jan 10, 2009)

Oh, sorry.....things that tick her off? Like when my kids were whispering to me while we were decorating the Xmas tree that putting that certain bauble on that branch MAY cause their mom to get angry? You mean things like that??? Sorry for the sarcasm, but EVERYTHING I do "ticks her off" Well, not everything, she likes it when I give her a check.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

gabagool said:


> Oh, sorry.....things that tick her off? Like when my kids were whispering to me while we were decorating the Xmas tree that putting that certain bauble on that branch MAY cause their mom to get angry? You mean things like that??? Sorry for the sarcasm, but EVERYTHING I do "ticks her off" Well, not everything, she likes it when I give her a check.


understand, i'm just telling you what might be prudent in a situation where you're ready to throw in the towel...some smart people will say to rebuild the friendship...NEVER talk about the relationship's problems...i tend to agree if you can handle NOT throwing down the gauntlet to take that approach.

you sound like you've got a head of steam built up. remember this: if you give an ultimatum, you have to be ready to back it up. that's where i couldn't go. so i've been rebuilding the friendship for 6 months, and i think it's paying off...look in "going through separation or divorce" to find my thread, maybe you can take some ideas away from it.


----------



## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Hmmm... Sounds like my wife to me. She actually asked me for a separation and then broke off all physical contact.

Maybe you should just sit her down and be calm about this. Ask her what she wants to get out of your marriage. Tell her in the same calm manner what your feelings are. Give her the opportunity to voice her feelings in a calm and cool manner, without her feeling threatened.

Tell her that you need to know where she stands because you can't live this way anymore. Find out if she wants the marriage to work and if not, find out why. The first step is to get all of the truth out into the light.

My past experience tells me that when a woman shuts down and will not allow you any leeway, when she has detached herself, chances are that there is someone or something else that she has attached herself to.

my wife detached from me and admitted later on that she had hoped that I would have just had enough and left before the truth had to come out. My determination eventually forced the truth to the surface, and believe me when I tell you that I was shocked, hurt, shattered. Since the truth has come to light, sure there are continued suspicions and hurt feelings, but an incredible amount of progress has been made.

that said, during the time where she felt like she wanted to build a life with him, she agreed to all sorts of things to "fix" the marriage with the intent that they would never come to light. She figured she could chase me off before any of that stuff happened. Just because a woman agrees to go to counseling doesn't mean she is willing to be an active participant.

I am not telling you that she is having an extramarital affair, but whatever the truth is, you have to know so that you can evaluate where you stand, know what to expect and evaluate whether or not YOU want it to continue.

Good luck on this and please do keep us posted.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

You make no statements of love in your post. Do you love her?

As far as the “Shock” value, yes it can work but I’m not suggesting you leave. There are other ways to do it. Try reading Dobson’s “Love Must be Tough.”


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Amplexor said:


> You make no statements of love in your post. Do you love her?
> 
> As far as the “Shock” value, yes it can work but I’m not suggesting you leave. There are other ways to do it. Try reading Dobson’s “Love Must be Tough.”


dobson's "love must be tough" gives advice that equates to leaving. i mean the result might actually be leaving. but it's a good read, and will probably have a "pep talk" feeling to you.


----------



## jonnydee (Jan 14, 2009)

Gabagool, sorry for your pain. Gawd it sounds truly awful. I applaud you for trying so hard for so long. I'm just starting my odyssey; can't imaging lasting as long as you have. 

Sometimes a shock can awaken the dead. Sometimes not. I guess I'd put the marriage aside and focus on the kids. I'd be careful about moving out. Sounds like she is the one who's left the marriage.

Keep us posted.

jd


----------



## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Hi there,

The fact that your first post focussed a whole deal on the fact you are provider, it seems that you see that as your way of seeking love and apprval from your family.

My relationship is al but over because my husband worked like a dog, came home like a zombie, and in the end I pulled the pin.

Maybe she wants the guy she met, not the "provider".

I'm telling you, spontenaity is key, as well as playing 'hart to get' a little

It sounds to me like you are a pleaser BIG TIME. Maybe she wants you to have a little more respect for yourself and if she is being a [email protected]#$h, than go cold on her and see how she likes it.

And, if you do try to take her out, do things in secret and surprise her, know that it will do nothing for a while. She is cold and angry and it tajkes a long time to defrost... so keep at it.

After a month or so of that, if she is still animant that it is over, than I would say she is either having a divorce, or it has been over in her mind for so long that it just is what it is.

Do some soul searching and remember who you were when you met. Remember what made her eyes flutter, remember when you first connected... Maybe take her to the bar/ restaurant/ venue/ park where you first met. Fight for her. Being perfect is not fighting, it is annoying.

Good luck... just sounded like you were desperate for a girl's perspective,

Cheers,


----------

