# To much sexual past info



## worriedhusband (Sep 8, 2008)

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## worriedhusband (Sep 8, 2008)

I know no one can tell me how to feel or what to do or say, but I would like some thoughts on this.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

My thoughts are that the past is the past. If she wanted to run around with other men, she would not have married you and certainly would not have opened up to you. I don't think you have anything to worry about as far as trust goes. She is probably mortified at your reaction to her opening up...her purpose was probably to feel closer and connected to you by you knowing her past and she probably regrets doing that now. I would pay attention to that--because if this has created distance between you, it's not a good thing for your marriage.

I know the mental images are hard to deal with and for you was TMI, but it sounds to me as if she was 'lost' during that time and not proud of her affairs...The more you understand how she was feeling back then (unsupported/alone, etc) and what caused her to seek out this attention that she was later ashamed of the closer she will feel to you and the more you will be able to feel that you are fulfilling her needs.


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## waterfall~ (Sep 8, 2008)

worried,

That's tough.  It's so hard to find out our loved ones have made mistakes. As hard as it is to process and sort through all of the past, research shows that couples who are the most honest with each other....are better off in the long run. While honesty can often reveal difficult truths about the past.....believe me....secrecy is far more destructive. Your wife took a huge risk in revealing the things she's probably ashamed of....that shows a great deal of trust in you....and courage, because I'm sure she was afraid of your reaction. But that kind of honesty is what will help PREVENT future infidelity. Look at the research of Peggy Vaughn for the relationship between honesty and affair-proofing your marriage. Telling you about her past mistakes, is part of the accountability she needs to build a better marriage. If she's unsafe to be honest with you, because the truth about the past is too difficult for you to cope with....then she'll hide the truth....and that's NOT a pattern you can afford to establish.

Trust is just mostly about our own ability to love our flawed spouses....not about their ability to be perfect. 

Maybe it would help you move forward if you concentrated your efforts on how to forgive your wife, rather than how to trust her. Because in the end....you'll never be able to control what your wife does....and each of us take a risk when we love. But you DO have control over forgiveness.


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## Savetherock (Aug 27, 2008)

Please take no offense to this, but your post seems odd to me. It is kind of hard for me to grasp, let alone relate to, your opinion and basis for it.



worriedhusband said:


> It is hard knowing so much about someone you love so much... How am I supposed to live with such details? I hurt daily over it.


When you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them why wouldn't you want to know and accept everything about them? You are making the choice to be with her and marry her; all of her. Her good past and, in your opinion, her bad past. PAST is the key word here.



worriedhusband said:


> *I have asked her repeaditly* why I had to know. *She regrets telling me now*, so question her thought process, she should have known what it could possibly do to me. I am torn I love her but *I can't take this kind of pain* knowing all that and wondering if she can be tue to me.


In my opinion, she has done nothing wrong. She has been truthful and trusting with you. Imagine how hard this has been for her to tell you, especially with her getting in trouble from you for telling the truth. It seems as though you have made this into your problem, when in reality it has not much to do with you. It was in her past, and she has fully disclosed it to you. If you can't accept something that she did in her past, how can you accept and love her as a whole? This seems like the real problem, not her past transgression.

Again take no offense to what I think. I personally hope you can learn to accept her. She sounds like she is trying hard to keep a trusting and open relationship.


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## Savetherock (Aug 27, 2008)

waterfall~ said:


> Maybe it would help you move forward if you concentrated your efforts on how to forgive your wife, rather than how to trust her. Because in the end....you'll never be able to control what your wife does....and each of us take a risk when we love. But you DO have control over forgiveness.


Waterfall,
I am interested in knowing your opinion on why his significant other needs to seek his forgiveness?


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## waterfall~ (Sep 8, 2008)

> Waterfall,
> I am interested in knowing your opinion on why his significant other needs to seek his forgiveness


You misunderstood me. I never said _his wife_ needs to seek forgiveness....I said that HE needs to seek ways to to forgive her (internal work), because that would be more healing and within his locus of control.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

OK, she has a pattern of cheating on her husbands. She had three affairs. One she discounts because she was separated. The other two? She has her reasons.

What this boils down to is that your wife is someone who has different values than your self regarding faithfulness.

You believe in fidelity - period.

She believes in it until it doesn't suit her.

That may be a lifetime, it ay be two weeks. You do not know.

so you have few option.

1. trust her fidelity but check from time to time. not palatable, but doable.

2. Not trust her at all, be hypervigilent and drive her to her usual coping method - cheating.

3. Blindly trust her and get shellshocked someday when she resorts to her usual coping mechanism.

4. leave her now and find somerone who shares your core belief in fidelity.


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## Savetherock (Aug 27, 2008)

waterfall~ said:


> I never said _his wife_ needs to seek forgiveness....


Gotcha


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

michzz...I think by 'affairs' he means the number of men she has slept with...1 her ex-husband....2 her affair (which she told him about on the first date and he says he understood and chose to move forward) and 3 the match.com guy she met while separated from her ex.

Based on that, I think the fact that she disclosed this to him indicates she doesn't intend to repeat it and wants to have an open/honest marriage with him.

I think you are right about different values...this is where as waterfall suggests, forgiving her will go a long way. If he chooses to judge her based on her past, it will only further divide them.


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

I feel you about the TMI regarding your ladies sexual past.
I learned a lot about how my lady was in middle school and high school that made me question her morals and trustworthiness.
My Wife actually did do stuff to me (cheated) that gave me the right to make her pay for her mistakes as they related to me, not what she did to other guys in the past. 
Although her bad habits of the past possibly contributed to her actions with me, the actions of her past are not what I should judge her by. Lucky for me I have something personal to rub in her face. 
You can't help how you feel about it now that you know but you should do your best to not treat your lady poorly because of something that she did before she was your lady. Unless she is still doing the things she did wrong in the past, or following the same path that lead to her past indiscretions, then she doesn't deserve it, from you.
I know that what is probably bothering you is not the fact that she has a past but rather the fear that she may do that kind of thing with you, since she has a history of doing it.

Be cautious if you must, but be fair too and don't let her past mistakes be the only thing that ruins your and hers relationship.

If she deserves it by the way she's been with you, then give her the benefit of a doubt.


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## worriedhusband (Sep 8, 2008)

thanks for all input, I am going to try and work on my issues of hanging on to past. I do feel we both deserve that along with counsiling


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## worriedhusband (Sep 8, 2008)

carmaenforcer said:


> I feel you about the TMI regarding your ladies sexual past.
> I learned a lot about how my lady was in middle school and high school that made me question her morals and trustworthiness.
> My Wife actually did do stuff to me (cheated) that gave me the right to make her pay for her mistakes as they related to me, not what she did to other guys in the past.
> Although her bad habits of the past possibly contributed to her actions with me, the actions of her past are not what I should judge her by. Lucky for me I have something personal to rub in her face.
> ...


I do not treat her bad nore to I desire to, we are great other than this. I do worry about future events based on past,hard not to. When someone displays the ability to be sneaky it is hard not to forget. One time it happened at a job site, why did I need to know that? I am so conflicted on how to process this. If I did not have a deep love for her it would, obviously, not bother me so bad.


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## Savetherock (Aug 27, 2008)

worriedhusband said:


> I feel we have different level of integrety


It seems like you have already made up your mind about how you're going to feel. You're not going to wake up one day and be OK with the fact that she slept with 6 guys and then told you the details if your not now. Its going to be hard emotional work. And you're not going to just trust her one random day if you don't now. Its going to be more hard emotional work on both sides. 

The fact that you love her is nice. But relationships require more than just love. They require trust, intimacy, and respect. If you can't trust her completely like you say or don't respect her enough to forgive her for HER past then it looks like you don't have much going for your relationship. 

To me it seems as though the only thing she has done wrong so far TO YOU is divulge information. And it seems like she did it with the misconception that it would bring you closer and not with any malicious intent. If you're having a hard time getting over that then you need to take some time to ask yourself is it worth it? Is it worth the work that you will have to put into it and yourself? And if not, then respectfully leave cause dragging her along while you question her integrity is doing neither of you good.

Again, please take no offense to my opinions.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Many people are taught that lying is worse than cheating and she may have felt that by disclosing all her past you would indeed be marrying the woman she is, flaws and all.

draconis


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## worriedhusband (Sep 8, 2008)

I am seeking counciling. I have tried to end it repeatedly she won't so I agreed to council and let lead were it goe


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## waterfall~ (Sep 8, 2008)

worried,



worriedhusband said:


> All are good replys and no offense taken, I understand the forgiving her. The problem is knowing the three affairs and the details about the two after the divorce. She did not volenter all the past men it was after I was made aware by a third party, of some. She did not know exactly what all I knew. It was the way some came out. I understood she dated after divorce, why did I need details about other relationships and some graphic.


I completely understand how some of the visual graphics are hard to get out of your mind. The detail of my husband's affair were particularly difficult and I thought those "movies" would never go away. It took awhile. It took time to forgive him and to replace those pictures with better ones. 



> I know I need to forgive or throw in towel, something I struggle with. I have hard time getting her feelings.


People have a hard time relating to another's feelings sometimes....especially across gender lines....but you expect her to try and understand yours, right? This has got to be a team effort. This bell cannot be unrung. You can't "unknow" this information now. The question is....where do you go from here? This will be very much like a grieving process, and you will have stages to go through before you can accept the truth. Unless you don't want to be married. 



> I stayed in my marriage for my kids. My inlaws came to me informing me my ex was letting my 14 yr old daughter date a 18 yr old. All this and I never considered cheating. I feel we have different level of integrety if thats the right word.


It sounds like you think you think you are "better" person than either of your wives. Be careful with that, because disrespectful judgments can really ruin relationships, and we are all human and prone to mistakes. You're closest to God when you can forgive others....not when you judge them. 



> It took me 2 yrs to date after divorce to prove to my kids I did not leave for another woman.


Did your children think you were cheating? 2 yrs is an excellent time frame because it shows a real commitment and willingness to be emotionally ready for a new relationship. But it sounds like you feel as though that was a sacrifice? 



> I just feel all the info I recieved thus far should have been worked out before the marriage.


Oh I agree. So why did you plan a marriage after only 3 months??? You waited all that time to date, and then rushed the relationship. You have some responsibility for that. You also had an opportunity to end the relationship after finding out about this stuff....and chose not to. You can't undo that poor decision anymore than your wife can undo hers. The best either of you can do is to move forward with greater understanding, grace and compassion. You can end your relationship or you can try to build a better one despite it's inauspicious beginning. 



> I struggle with this. I want to do the right thing. I do not understand how someone can lower there standards so often, from the beginning of her marriage she had six men before me, is this what is to come?


When you marry someone before you really know them....this is the kind of risk that you take. I understand that this is a struggle for you, and only you can decide if more risk is worth taking. How long have you been married? 



> I wish someone had the answer, the answer ultimatly lies within me. The replies help in different ways. The answer to forgive and move is easier than said. It seems the past 20 yrs I lived in a secluded box and the dating norms are so different from my life and raisen. I did hold to my commetments in my marriage I was not perfect and learned some things, but I know I can't take any more heart ach in which it may seem I am doing it to myself now and maybe so, there lies the struggle within. I was given to many factual details with not enough feelings revealed. I asked her to never do that to me and her answer was it would take tons and tons to cause that, that answer to me leaves the door open for the possibility. She quickly said it did not mean that exactly. At this point were is the line drawn to be accountable to your own statments. I continue my struggle and i look for more perspectives and no offense will be taken.


worried....I truly understand your heart is broken by these details. Can you live with these mistakes and imperfections in your mate? I don't know. Forgiveness IS hard, but a good resource might be the some religious-based counseling specifically tailored to help. Like you, I felt that my husband needed to go to confession with his priest. That priest was wonderful and he helped both of us. Another avenue would be a good marriage counselor or coach. If you're not ready to give up.....why not try some of that first. If your wife is Catholic, I know they have a Retrouvaille program which is very good. Also, Janis Abrahams has a great book called "How Can I Forgive You" which could really help you process some of your feelings. 

((((((((((((worried))))))))))))


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## Farfignewton (Aug 10, 2008)

I had this problem in the beginning of my relationship with my H. He told me entirely too much info about his ex-wife and their sexual relationship. She was into threesomes, etc. Something that I'm not all that into and she was so sexually uninhibited and it made me feel like I wouldn't be enough. He would ask me to do things and I wouldn't be into it because of morals etc., but I knew that she would have done it and that caused problems for a bit.

Basically, she just has to not mention things anymore and you have to say that the past is the past and if their partner was that awesome then they would still be there getting said sex.


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## worriedhusband (Sep 8, 2008)

I have always had two options dwell on past and end it or forget past with help and move forward, I feel she is worth every effort I can take to make this work I do beleive her to be genuine in her regrets. I may have sounded judgmental but I didn't mean it that way. I did have reason for concern and I do share responsibility in a rushed marriage. I do believe we have something worth fighting for.


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## waterfall~ (Sep 8, 2008)

worried,

Yes, you've always had two options....and they're both difficult ones. You probably feel like you're between the devil and the deep blue sea. I didn't mean to state the obvious, but I was having a hard time discerning which way you really wanted to go. At times you sounded like you wanted to forgive her and move on....and others where you wanted to give up. Your last post has answered that. I'm not questioning your reasons for concern.....I agree....they are _very_ legitimate and you'd be naive to just ignore the fact that you have some real challenges to face. But I do think that if you're committed to staying together....you CAN get past the past. 

So, you want to fight for your marriage.....yay! You believe she's sincerely remorseful and you think she's worth the effort. You mentioned that you've started counseling.....how is that going?


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## Savetherock (Aug 27, 2008)

I had a hard time reading you as well. I'm gad you want to work for it. 

I too know what its like to be unintentionally hurt emotionally in a relationship. Its like your wife accidentally dropped a couch on your foot when trying to help you move it. She didn't mean to hurt you, in fact she was trying to do something good. And she says she is so sorry over and over again. But your foot is broken and in pain, and it hurts and will hurt. You will have to look past your initial "reaction" emotions, and forgive her; or else you will foster irrational negative emotions towards her. You have to let time heal your wound. And sometimes when it is hurt very seriously, like a broken foot, you have to seek help. In your case a counselor or the church like you are doing.

Keep on fighting if that's your want. If you guys make it through, it will be worth it all in the end.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

I just shared this same type information with my fiance. I'd been keeping it inside for the 2 years we've been together and I finally couldn't get past the guilt thinking that he really didn't know about me because he didn't know about this mistake in my past. I told him about the affair period in my marriage - something no one be me and the other person involved knew about - not even my ex husband. I doubt that the fact would ever come out, but I felt deep down that he needed to know so he could make the decision on what this would mean to him.

I was worried he would react as this poster did. He didn't . He told me he knew my last marriage was very rough especially towards the end and that he had no reason to judge me for what I did in the past. He still has absolute trust in me (even knowing that I sometimes talk to my past affair). Since I told him he has been doing everything he can to reassure me that He loves me and has told me if I need to discuss it more he will listen. I know what I did in the past was wrong and I will NEVER repeat it. Its not worth the pain it causes to everyone involved and believe me the ripples go out farther than your immediate family.


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