# Struggling on my own with post infidelity



## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Some of you already know my story:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...lp-im-stuck-trying-reconcile-my-marriage.html

Basically I am moving towards divorce and the separation has already started. Wife had been cheating for 2 years with a co-worker during our marriage, but signs of trouble only started a year ago. I tried for a year but it was too late, she was in too deep. No remorse on her part when I uncovered it and she still tried to deny it. We have 2 small kids 4yr and 2yr.

Feeling two strong emotions right now. 

Doubt, "What if". What if I paid more attention, what if I did this instead or been more romantic after the kids. I really did want to keep the family together.

Distrust. I look around and see a woman and think how can I ever trust anyone again. I'm not looking for a relationship. I know I'm not anywhere near ready. But I'm beginning to think loyalty and respect are the exception and that makes me depressed. People just want to get laid.

At this point in my life I expected things to grow into a phase of deep love and friendship. Something I thought we had. Is anyone interested in that anymore?


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Don't make inferences about all people based on a bad person. You will be better at finding a woman with solid qualities now that you have been through your hell.

I did it. I went through a betrayal, and found a better woman afterwards. Hang tough!


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

well.... all of us ask ourselves those same questions (what if, if I... etc) but we both know that we cant have those answers, the only answers are those that are present. AND YOU GOT YOURS ABOUT YOUR WW.
Rigarding a faithfull relationship... well it might seem the way you posted, but the truth is we stop on the appearence and never look at the heart and soul of a person... Wher i live they say that the eye's are the mirror of the soul, so one day when you will find those eye's you will find also that faithful love


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## sandals (May 8, 2014)

I'm interested! Well, not with you in partic, we don't know each other, but if you were to take a random survey of people I would think the answer is YES at least for some. Don't let your current emotional state depress you about the future. I believe that our dreams & love are still available, we just don't know the path. 

As for the what-if...not your fault. At all. My WS is still denying it, too, although it is still fresh. But I believe it's on him. I'm here (or was here) as a partner to work things through. He's said some horrible things about me...every aspect of me...but I have to believe those are projections. Or if I am truly horrible, then I will need to work them out. Have you been to IC? I think it would hep you.

Stay strong. There is light ahead.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

No IC yet but I've been talking to family throughout this whole mess and sharing. What helped you gain your hope and confidence back?


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## sandals (May 8, 2014)

tryingpatience said:


> No IC yet but I've been talking to family throughout this whole mess and sharing. What helped you gain your hope and confidence back?


Honestly, I heard conversations I shouldn't have that sent me into shock. I drove 4 hours north and spent 2 days in nature. And it brought me back. 

I am not back home and it is painful as h*ll. But I cling to the hope that I found there. That time and beauty are more powerful than we will ever know in our everyday lives. And it helps get me through even when I am not feeling hopeful and confident (like today). 

Think about it. If we knew 5 years ago what would happen today, we would be blown away. Same thing for 5 years from now. You can get there. I know it.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

What you're feeling is completely normal. The best thing to do is to try to not focus on romantic relationships right now. Have fun with friends, do things for others, and enjoy a hobby of some kind. 

One day you'll realize that much of the negative stuff is behind you.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

are you doing the 180? 

I hope you are. you are in a tough position. I feel for you.

I doubt that she will be successful, because they will cheat on each other.

Have you exposed her to her work and her family? Have you exposed OM to his work and his family?


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

It sounds to me like you are associating too much of your self worth with your romantic relationships. Just let go, learn to enjoy life on your own, and find a FWB. If serious romance finds its way into your life, great. You probably won't ever blindly trust a partner again, though, and that's a good thing. Take care of your kids and yourself. F everyone else.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

tryingpatience said:


> No IC yet but I've been talking to family throughout this whole mess and sharing. What helped you gain your hope and confidence back?


Going out and meeting women, or going on a dating site. Look women get hit on everyday in some form or another. Women look up dudes too, some are bold about it but most are discreet.
You've probably gone out a ton of times and had women checking you out without even noticing..why would you if you thought you were happily married?

Hope? That's for you to discover in time. You've been kicked in the b*lls and it hurts like hell, pride, ego all take a battering. Disconnect from the pain because her cheating was/is all on her. Start to heal and move forward.

Confidence? Ego has to be repaired, worth of self. Time is a healer. So is going to the gym, putting some work into yourself, so you feel better, fitter.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I read your original thread and am not shocked that she strung you along for at least a year. I'm bringing this up to remind you that you're not dealing with the sweet girl you met in high school. You're dealing with an experienced cheater and liar. 

Do not trust anything she tells you - get it in writing. I also suggest that she be the one to live outside the house.

When it's her turn to spend time with the kids she can move into the basement or into the guest room for those days BUT you DON'T move out. She's the one that's getting banged regularly and lying to you. You at least need to remain in your own home. After all it was her decision to destroy the family unit - not yours. 

Don't engage her in any conversations about anything except details of the divorce and the kids's welfare. 

Follow the 180 to a T. Don't yell or act moody around her. Spend time out with your own friends/interests when she's at your home with the kids. You should also have a VAR on you when she's around for your own protection. 

Sorry your going through this but you will survive and find someone who's better than this stranger that's living as your stbxw.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

tryingpatience said:


> Some of you already know my story:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...lp-im-stuck-trying-reconcile-my-marriage.html
> 
> ...


Hey tryin... I am 3 years out now, and I still do the "what if" fairly often - even though time has healed a lot of my wounds and I have moved on in so many ways. My rationality eventually brings it back to "what if she had actually accepted me for who I truly was instead of pretending I was something else and letting me believe that she actually loved me the way one loyal and respectful spouse is meant to? Letting me think she was growing into that deep love and friendship?"

Your ex is broken and until she repairs herself she will never have that deep meaningful long term love, the kind you will eventually find and develop with someone. Her brokenness hurt you, but it has not broken you - so you will learn to trust and love again.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

tryingpatience said:


> No remorse on her part when I uncovered it and she still tried to deny it.
> 
> Feeling two strong emotions right now.
> 
> ...


TP,

5 years out from finding the worst. I stayed... but...

Whether D or R, you are now beginning to know, understand, and finally except that the Betrayal in marriage... "Forever Changes Who you WERE, ARE, WILL BE for the remainder of your LIFE". 

*Now hear a truth: Only the BS can fully understand this. *

Don't even bother trying to explain how you feel and what your Doubt and Distrust is to anyone who has not experienced it first hand. They just will look at you like your crazy... been there. 

Be strong for the little ones. Press on.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Yes be strong for the two kiddies.
You can only control, fix, repair and be better by your own efforts to repair you. You can't fix the wife. Only she can-will she?? Time will tell. Do you want her back even?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

tryingpatience said:


> Some of you already know my story:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...lp-im-stuck-trying-reconcile-my-marriage.html
> 
> ...


DNA your kids. The affair may have started much sooner than your wife is willing to admit.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

What helps you find hope and confidence again is that you have seized control back over your life. You are no longer in the limbo of wondering what's going on, wondering what your wife is doing, wondering from week to week and day to day if you still have a marriage, wondering what you should do. Best of all, no one is lying to you about anything important any more. Sure, your ex may still lie, but it's no longer relevant to your future.

Now, you can decide for yourself how things will proceed in your life. You will be building your new routine without worrying about what someone else will think of it and what changes they'll insist on.

Your focus now is to be a great dad to your kids, and get them through this rough place as unscathed as possible. Your ex is going to be emotional and distracted, and probably not a good parent for a while. Her wonderful double life has just collapsed around her. You have to pick up the slack. You are in the position of power now.

Of course it will take time before you are ready to try dating again, but I wouldn't worry about new partners and how to relearn to trust one right now either. Just relearn how to be yourself for a while.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Thank you everyone. Yes good point about not being in limbo. At least I took that back and I know where I stand. 

No I don't want her back but I do feel lonely. I went out today with friends but still felt like s*ht and was trying my best to bury it.

They are my kids for sure lol. I'm Asian, OP is white, believe me I know . But that question did cross my mind.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Paternity test the kids.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

I am considering the paternity test now.

I'm meeting with a lawyer next week to go over the separation agreement that I put together to make sure it is good to go.

I find that at the end of the day is when I feel the most lonely. Not sure what triggers it. I haven't done any work this week in the office. I've been sitting in a fog at my desk. I keep getting out of my seat to walk around aimlessly. I have to start doing something soon, I've already missed a few deadlines.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Does your office know what you are experiencing and have you asked for help?


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

You're going to have distrust for a long while. You will need a strong woman who will deal with your sh1t and see the big picture. 

I've pretty much called my G.F. a low moral Wh0re. Not in those words but pretty much that. She stood by me knowing it was the crazy in me..

I go to therapy every week sometimes twice. I talk with friends and co workers. Trust me you need therapy, unless your a stronger man than me for these things. 

But without a doubt I am or was a very broken man. It has taken me sometime to settle in that the woman I am with loves me. 

For me getting over my EX was dating. Plain and simple, having another woman gushing over you and your sexual prowess is good for the EGO.. 

You will come to discover woman 10 years younger than your Ex.. Making 10x more money than her. *( As I type this my G.F. tells me she get another 15 hours a week which equates to 1k more a month )*.

For me that is my bar.. My reality now is love isn't everything. Money does matter some. You cannot live on love alone. Love don't pay the bills. 

It took me 1 year after my Ex leaving to see I was better off without her. Its a shame. I would NEVER take her back. I would never have sex with her. She is dead to me. She is the person *( I wouldn't even call her a woman )* that pumped out 2 kids from that hole between her legs. 

DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR KIDS SO EASILY...... 

I foolishly at first thought I was going down the normal route of Ex wife takes kids and I pay child support. It didn't end up that way though. I have the kids and she doesn't.. Granted yours are younger but you just never know.. 

Keep posting and keep venting. Do what Walkonmars tells you.. Do the 180..


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

I'm using the employee service program at work to talk to counsellors and get legal advice. My boss doesn't know what's going on.

I'm not giving up the kids. I love them. If I could get full custody I would but right now it will be shared.

My 180 is pretty strong now. The time away from the house has helped a lot. Today I was at the house to say goodnight to the kids and stbxw didn't say a word to me. Her ignoring me didn't effect me on any emotional level. That made me feel really good. It made me feel like I could get through this. I did wonder but there was no longer any attachment there.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Feeling really lonely. Seeing anything that has to do with sex makes me feel horrible. Makes me think of the cheating.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Get some IC and talk it out. It will get better. You don't want her back so move on. Do your 180 and become stronger with higher expectations for you and the kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Funny while I love "my wife" if we ever got divorced I fully plan on being single for eternity no more 1 woman for me!

Good luck


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

One way past is to keep as busy as possible. Bury yourself in your work & remind yourself that your kids are depending on you when you start walking around aimlessly. You don't want to risk your job. 

In the evenings if you can afford it when she has the kids take some evening classes, go out with friends, go to the gym & exhaust yourself - doesn't matter what. It will help with the loneliness. Sitting at home dwelling on it is will make you feel worse.

Human beings don't cope with change very well - part of your anguish is due to that. You weren't prepared for this dramatic and painful change - none of us BS were. Your life has been turned upsidedown.

Look around at your friends and work colleagues who are in happy marriages. Yes there is hope - there always is but you're not going to feel that right now. Accept the feelings you have rather than fight them. All BS on here know what you mean. 

Most of all you need time to get past this. You won't feel the way you do now in 5 years, not even in 2 years, not even in 1 year or even in 6 months. You said it yourself - you can feel yourself detaching already - a great sign. You are already on the way. Hang in there and vent on here. Posters know what you are going through.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

tryingpatience said:


> Feeling really lonely. Seeing anything that has to do with sex makes me feel horrible. Makes me think of the cheating.


I know there are times where you just can't be busy enough or have enough friends around you to support you. 

Even with my kids at home, there were times I had to just go in my room, cry into a pillow, walk out into the bathroom wash my face and move on.. It was rough.. 

Unfortunately there are not magic spells or potions that can get you through this.. This is what will make you a different man at the end. 

I've said this several times and I will say it again because I just heard it again and in some ways it hurts..

I really used to be a happy go lucky guy.. I was the goof off entertaining everyone.. I would make fun of myself to make you laugh.. 

Today, as a friend puts it.. I'm still the happy go lucky guy to some degree.

But he can tell I'm much serious and focused on things now.. I do less punch pulling when I need to tell someone something.. I'm more straight to the point.. 

You just realize that everything is not as right as rain, but I think it made me a better man. I'm still emotional, maybe in some ways even more. 

For me I think it is what keeps my G.F. with me. That she can see I can cry no matter how much of a big macho guy I want to be sometimes. 

It does get better. Trust me there were times I just really thought I couldn't live another day like this.. Even typing this out at times used to make me cry.. But like anything you EVENTUALLY learn to move on.. 

You just need to tough it out until EVENTUALLY arrives and it will trust me on this..


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

tryingpatience said:


> I haven't done any work this week in the office. I've been sitting in a fog at my desk. I keep getting out of my seat to walk around aimlessly. I have to start doing something soon, I've already missed a few deadlines.


TP,

Been right there. I few days after DD I contacted my work EAP. I was instructed to let my Boss know what was going on. Because I was seeking "treatment", my Boss was instructed by EAP to back off the deadlines and the general pressure tactics that were normally used. 

It took me close to 6 months before I could concentrate for over an hour without losing it. Good luck. It will get better. I know those are shallow words right now, but time does lesson the blow that you have taken. 

Last... Take the high road, stay true to yourself and children. It will not go without notice.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

RWB said:


> TP,
> 
> Been right there. I few days after DD I contacted my work EAP. I was instructed to let my Boss know what was going on. Because I was seeking "treatment", my Boss was instructed by EAP to back off the deadlines and the general pressure tactics that were normally used.
> 
> ...


Excellent advice! I probably should have done this back in 2012, as I missed more than a few deadlines myself. Thankfully my boss was pretty supportive. I explained some of what I was going through (though in very general terms) and he seemed to understand. I didn't pry but I got the impression that he had been through some of it himself.

Oh, and OP... Just in case you missed it...



GusPolinski said:


> DNA your kids. The affair may have started much sooner than your wife is willing to admit.


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## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

You will get through this difficult time. Just be the best dad in the world. Last year almost everything that could go wrong in my life came crashing down on me. There are still rough patches but I can sleep without tossing for 4 hours. When you emerge from the other side you will be stronger than you ever have. The support of friends and people here was and is a real lifesaver.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Thanks for the boost all of you. I am staying true and trying to be the best dad I can. It's nice to hear that it won't go unnoticed because it's something I really want to believe. That's part of what's still motivating me.

Yes I am going to do a DNA test. 

My family has been amazing for me during this time. The more I talk about to them the less it hurts. I do feel different from the week before


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

I wonder if I'll find someone again like my stbxw. Not the person who cheated but the person I married and grew up with. I really miss the woman I married. 

I know that things will never be the same, I'm moving forward no matter what. It just really hurts to see part of that person still there in her. The idea that I'll have to live the rest of my life seeing the shell of what may have been sucks. The family I wanted. For those who have kids. How did you cope? Full custody and never having to deal with her again would have been ideal.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

tryingpatience, 

I'm a bit 3 yrs out. And amazingly so...Looking back, all I can tell you ********** hit it on the head. 

You will view everything now so differently, and learning to be with the person you loved, & love, in a whole new light is ((was)) ..."trip in it's self."

This is the most difficult journey many of us find ourselves on, some do better than others, but either way, it changes you in profound ways. 

-sammy


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

As the writer Paul Theroux says , “It is very easy to plant a bomb in a peaceful, trusting place.” That is what the cheating spouse has done. Then detonated it.

And as a result OUR LIVES WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.....


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Had a little blow out with my stbxw yesterday. Texted her asking where she was at with the separation agreement because it's almost been 2 weeks since I've given her the final draft. She says that she finally received revisions from her lawyer and is looking it over. 

Called her afterwards (was pissed at how long it was taking her) and basically told her to put this thing through as quickly as possible. She said that was what she wanted and is not slowing down the process. I proceeded to tell her that she's lucky that I didn't blow this thing up even more than I did. Couldn't hold in my anger. I didn't want to lose my cool in front of her.

I wish I came to TAM a year ago. I would have probably been able to bust this thing up earlier and proceeded to a real R instead of a fake one. But then I remember, she already cheated prior to that.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Legal sh!t takes a long time. Try patience. Does it really matter if the process takes 3 weeks vs a year? Just live your life the same way regardless.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Lon said:


> Legal sh!t takes a long time. Try patience. Does it really matter if the process takes 3 weeks vs a year? Just live your life the same way regardless.


You're right I know. But I feel that I need this to move on. Plus she is agreeable right now. I've heard that anything can happen with these things and she might not be so agreeable the longer this drags on. Who knows what the POSOM or her family is feeding her.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Whats been going on ? Hope all is well


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

tryingpatience said:


> I wonder if I'll find someone again like my stbxw. Not the person who cheated but the person I married and grew up with.



Umm, dude. They're the same person. This thing you are doing is called splitting. It's a kind of displacement where you split a real person into two fictional people and attribute all the bad to one, all the good to the other..

If I were you, I would look into professional counseling.

This is tough crap, so there's no shame in getting a little help.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

tryingpatience said:


> Some of you already know my story:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...lp-im-stuck-trying-reconcile-my-marriage.html
> 
> ...


You have been shocked, hurt and damaged by the one person who you should have been able to trust with your life. It must be a little bit like realising that the soldier who is trying to kill you is one of your own side.

Individual counselling might be of benefit for you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

tryingpatience said:


> I wonder if I'll find someone again like my stbxw. Not the person who cheated but the person I married and grew up with. I really miss the woman I married.
> 
> I know that things will never be the same, I'm moving forward no matter what. It just really hurts to see part of that person still there in her. The idea that I'll have to live the rest of my life seeing the shell of what may have been sucks. The family I wanted. For those who have kids. How did you cope? Full custody and never having to deal with her again would have been ideal.


Yep. But sadly, your wife snuck up on her and killed her.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Hardtohandle said:


> Whats been going on ? Hope all is well


The thread continued over here http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...at-should-i-have-learned-my-experience-9.html

I wasn't able to get this one moved to that section right away so I started a new post

What's happened so far?
I have the separation agreement signed
Applying for divorce
House is getting listed this week
Moved myself and the kids into my parents house and they are adjusting well
Stbxw is living with her parents when she has the kids, not sure where she goes when she doesn't have them
Going out, working out trying to get back to normal
No contact with stbxw, told her if she anything to say, email me. So far she's going along with everything without any fight. Makes me suspicious but I'm trying not to care.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

tryingpatience said:


> Some of you already know my story:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...lp-im-stuck-trying-reconcile-my-marriage.html
> 
> ...


A woman would crawl through seven circles of hell to be with a man who makes her FEEL. A woman would do anything to make a man she wants feel happy when he makes her FEEL.

Some of the regulars here are rolling there eyes because I say this often, but it bears repeating.

Feelings are how we understand our relationship to the environment around us. To make a woman continue to want you, you must make her continually feel. This requires restraint, respect, and mastery of the environment around you. 

Your concerns in your first post are often focused on how you could have differed your approach to HER, when the key to securing a woman (beyond the respect I assume you showed your STBXW) is your approach to the world outside of you and her. So long as you arent clingy or manipulated by "sh!t tests" she gives you, ultimately she respects (or doesnt respect) the way in which you interface with that world.

Noone here can tell you how to be a better version of you- only you can do that. We can suggest ways to improve your confidence in YOU and so forth, but you have to walk that path yourself. 

Good luck..


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