# Did these guidlines help you marriage be successful?



## Curious_Guy

Here are my guidelines (a user here actually told me I should post this):

1. Marry someone who's your best friend and lover at the same time. Someone you can't live without and need just as much as he/she need you.
2. You're crazy about your spouse! You love him/her so much and they're always on your mind and you're excited to come home to a loving spouse after work.
3. You guys take your marriage vows seriously. Some people claim they would never cheat, but people change when they grow older and they all of a sudden are cheaters.
4. Sex life should be adventurous. That way, sex won't become "plain vanilla."
5. Both spouses should stay in shape. Exercise is very important when it comes to sex. Also, it makes you physically attractive. After all, why cheat when you already have an attractive spouse? Lol 

At first, I posted this in the CWI section as "Things that help avoid infidelity," and as you expected, I had lots of people say something else and some say my guidelines are what marriages are like in the first few years. Although some (or one) agreed with some of my guideline which I was happy to see haha. Yeah yeah I know cheaters are self-conscious with themselves or corrupted or yada yada yada. 

But since most people on this section have good marriages, I wanna ask, are the guidelines I just posted are what helped your marriage be so great? (And I guess you can add communication and good morals to that list).

And since I'm a young unmarried guy, don't ridicule me for being inexperienced on this topic. (I had to angrily PM a guy who's comment seem rude). 

Haha, thanks for sharing guys! Also, I'm aware that there is also much more to add to my guidelines so feel free to do so! 

Edit: Just realized I said I was a young married guy. I meant to say unmarried lol had that fixed.


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## RedRose14

Your guidelines are absolutely spot on CG and I agree with all of them.

Me and Hubby have been together for 21 years, coming up for 19 years married and all of your guidelines apply to us.

We are great friends and enjoy each other's company, there is nobody else we would rather be spending time with than each other. Right from the get go we found each other mind-blowingly attractive and the sexual chemistry between us is electrifying. We obviously don't look the same as we did 20 years ago, but we do make an effort with our appearance, we have realistic expectations, and we think each other looks gorgeous and incredibly sexy. Sexually we know how to please each other and we make sure we are both sexually satisfied. It has taken communication at times, because my body has changed due to menopausal issues, but we have worked through them and sex is really very marvellous for us, so much so that sometimes it takes us by surprise as to how fabulous we are together, even after all this time.

We made the decision to get married with the intention that it was forever and are committed to making it forever, we are both faithful and intending to remain faithful always.

We both make an effort in our marriage, it's not work, it's not hard, but we make sure that the other is happy. A happy marriage does not happen by accident and if you sit back and expect a happy marriage to fall into your lap you will be disappointed. Love, respect, commitment, friendship, companionship, security, contentment are some of the benefits of a happy marriage, we have it and we will continue to have it, because we want it and it works for us and we ensure it stays that way. So if you follow your own guidelines CG you will have a long and happy marriage too


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## Caribbean Man

Curious_Guy said:


> Here are my guidelines (a user here actually told me I should post this):
> 
> 1. Marry someone who's your best friend and lover at the same time. Someone you can't live without and need just as much as he/she need you.
> 2. You're crazy about your spouse! You love him/her so much and they're always on your mind and you're excited to come home to a loving spouse after work.
> 3. You guys take your marriage vows seriously. Some people claim they would never cheat, but people change when they grow older and they all of a sudden are cheaters.
> 4. Sex life should be adventurous. That way, sex won't become "plain vanilla."
> 5.* Both spouses should stay in shape. Exercise is very important when it comes to sex. Also, it makes you physically attractive. After all, why cheat when you already have an attractive spouse? Lol *


Your guidelines are definitely good, but of course it's not an all inclusive list. Even with such a list the best marriages are _custom built _by the two people involved.
The general principle being , doing things _together._
That's why I highlighted point # 5 in your original post.
A lot of marriages fall apart because people try to maintain their own independence in a marriage.

Having great sex is good.
Taking vows seriously is good. 
Being crazy about each other is good.
Working out together is good. [ my wife and I sometimes do!]
But these are not enough to sustain a long term relationship, they are peripherals. 

But _nothing comes from nothing_.
Being interdependent , or depending on each other in a healthy way is what makes a marriage work in the long run, especially during the dry spells and or bad weather.
You can't just only depend on feelings. Feelings change, and our mind can sometimes trick us. You must_ know_ that your wife has your back and you must cover hers. Defend her body and her name to the last breath, and she will defend yours.
Make her feel like the most beautiful woman in the world, and she would make you feel like the luckiest man alive.

In other words, every, single, day, depend on each other for your very survival , and the relationship would last a lifetime.


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## Cosmos

Curious_Guy said:


> Here are my guidelines (a user here actually told me I should post this):
> 
> 1. Marry someone who's your best friend and lover at the same time. Someone you can't live without and need just as much as he/she need you.
> 2. You're crazy about your spouse! You love him/her so much and they're always on your mind and you're excited to come home to a loving spouse after work.
> 3. You guys take your marriage vows seriously. Some people claim they would never cheat, but people change when they grow older and they all of a sudden are cheaters.
> 4. Sex life should be adventurous. That way, sex won't become "plain vanilla."
> 5. Both spouses should stay in shape. Exercise is very important when it comes to sex. Also, it makes you physically attractive. After all, why cheat when you already have an attractive spouse? Lol



Communicate, communicate and communicate.


Don't rug sweep issues, because eventually they'll either wear a hole in the 'carpet' or you'll trip over them.


Agree sound, healthy boundaries to keep your relationship safe.


Schedule regular date nights.


When you have children, remember that they're there because of the love you and your spouse share, and that love should remain a priority. 


Never stop learning new things and growing as an individual.


 Be interdependent, rather than independent or dependent.


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## Curious_Guy

Wow much more positive reception than the CWI section.

Lol thanks guys!


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## SimplyAmorous

> *Caribbean Man said*:
> 
> *But nothing comes from nothing.
> Being interdependent , or depending on each other in a healthy way is what makes a marriage work in the long run, especially during the dry spells and or bad weather.
> 
> You can't just only depend on feelings. Feelings change, and our mind can sometimes trick us. You must know that your wife has your back and you must cover hers. Defend her body and her name to the last breath, and she will defend yours.
> Make her feel like the most beautiful woman in the world, and she would make you feel like the luckiest man alive*.


Love this. :smthumbup:



> *Curious_Guy said:* 1. *Marry someone who's your best friend and lover at the same time. Someone you can't live without and need just as much as he/she need you*.


I'm so all for this..I've always felt It's best to be FRIENDS before Lovers, though many today will say this = being "FriendZoned"... it wasn't the case with me & my husband, I felt he was my best friend before we even kissed.  I cared so much about this aspect of our relationship, I set out to find one that mentioned "friendship" , when I came across this one...the search was over... 



> *2. You're crazy about your spouse! You love him/her so much and they're always on your mind and you're excited to come home to a loving spouse after work.*


 The only way this can be maintained ...basically this is enthusiasm for each other, keeping the passion/intimacy alive...is if a couple is careful to consider each others emotional needs, careful to fill each others Love tanks... this keeps a steady feedback loop of loving going on....



> *3*. *You guys take your marriage vows seriously. Some people claim they would never cheat, but people change when they grow older and they all of a sudden are cheaters.*


Commitment is not for the weary of heart... it is for mature responsible adults who understand life does not always go as planned, sh** happens but come hell or high water, an attitude of "We are in this together".....we'll communicate & brainstorm, fight and cry if we have too, but we'll not give us, or leave each others side..we will fight for each other when one has lost their way, having a hard time...we will carry them... if we need... but we hang on...unless we feel it has turned into an unhealthy dynamic of abuse....then we may need to get out.. it will always take 2 to maintain a happy marriage..one can not do it alone. 



> *4*. *Sex life should be adventurous. That way, sex won't become "plain vanilla."*


 Learning from our own blunders here... every young couple should buy some  books early on...explore knocking each other out with different positions, some role play, exploring each others bodies, overcoming any inhibitions possible.. Even though me & my husband were basically pretty vanilla by most standards (2 positions & some oral) for 19 long years, somehow we were fulfilled, I never complained once...he just wanted more of that... I feel it's because we had the emotional connection so strong -It just never mattered to us..the sensual love making was enough. 

Then hitting mid life, It suddenly dawned on me... MY God what have we been missing.. so many things we never did, tried, explored ! .... that was a Rush of intensity...so yeah.. taken from my  Compatibility thread  >>



> *7.* SEX ! Compatability here is vital....especially IF YOU LOVE SEX! Too often there is a huge disconnect in this area !
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> , men have 10 times more Testosterone running through their veins in comparison to women... it causes them great frustration & pain when their wives reject them, they feel LOVED through the desire of their wives. Many women's drives take a dive after marraige & kids.... knowing if she is a PLEASER by nature will be very helpful. Talk about the role of masterbation during the low times (out of town, sickness, pregnancy)
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> Even enjoyment of a little *PORN *should be openly discussed -to avoid hurt feelings, some women look upon it as cheating - KNOW these things- work them out !  Love & Pornography
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> Always keep the sex SPICEY, men crave variety/ novelty... women crave the Emotional Connection with their husbands...... buy a game, pick up a book, try some erotic message, keep learning. Browse  ADAM & EVE, try some toys, flavored lubes, read reviews. Stop in at Spencer's. Surprise the husband with some lingerie!
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> Sex & physical Pleasure may be less than 10% of a marraige, but when it is lacking.. it will feel like 90% of the problems....and the rejected spouse may end up a poster on this forum!  Learn the beauty & need of sex through the eyes of one who has lost it & lives a sexless existence  click here
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> We all want
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> in the bedroom!
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> Sex Info 101 website - Granddaddy list of Sexual Positions
> Complete Idiots Guide to Amazing Sex ....very informative for new lovers -covers it all!
> Sheet Music - Uncovering the secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage  ....Excellent book for Christians.
> When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life  ..... ... Identifying Your Libido Type
> Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man .....every wife should read this!
> She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman  ....every husband should read this!
> The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex: An Indispensible Guide to Pleasure & Seduction
> Discover Your Lover Board Game ....might help break some inhibitions reading cards & playing a game!





> *5. Both spouses should stay in shape. Exercise is very important when it comes to sex. Also, it makes you physically attractive. After all, why cheat when you already have an attractive spouse? Lol*


Physical attraction is generally what brings us together...maintaining this for the ones we love.. it's an act of caring for them..plus it makes us feel good too! ... Just cause we marry & get comfortable doesn't mean we stop putting on our best dress & heels, make up our face...continue to flirt with our husbands like we're still wrapped up in each other...keep dating.. this holds the spark....



A few more of mine...

*1. * Falling under communicate, communicate, communicate...No







.... Decide on your "agreed upon" level of * willing Transparency*..... I have found this keeps us amazingly accountable & is more Trust building than most can realize -unless it is lived.

I could not be with someone who gave me the "It's none of your business" attitude while dating...that would feel like a slap in the face, I would welcome any question... if I felt this person didn't deserve an answer, then I shouldn't be with them.

*2.* *Interdependence* ...so important...I offer this article which speaks about what makes for a healthy INTERdependent marriage....it speaks about "growing together"... all of these fine discussed in more detail...



> Increasing Intimacy in Marriage
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> *Forms of Intimacy*...
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> *1.* Emotional intimacy
> *2*. Mental or intellectual intimacy
> *3.* Spiritual intimacy
> *4*. Recreational intimacy
> *5.* Financial or monetary intimacy
> *6. *Sexual intimacy
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> *Characteristics of Intimacy*=
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> *1*. Mutual trust
> *2*. Tenderness
> *3*. Acceptance
> *4*. Open communication
> *5*. Caring
> *6*. Apologies
> *7*. Forgiveness
> *8.* Appropriate boundaries


*3*. A healthy *Self-Awareness* .... is the capacity for introspection and the ability to recognize oneself as an individual separate from the environment and other individuals....to perceive and understand one's existence or existential being, including personal characteristics, emotions, and behaviour.".
The Importance of Self-Awareness  ..... Better Relationships through Self-Awareness

4. *LAUGHTER* ....this is such a vital part of a couple's dymantics...do we "get" and enjoy each others sense of humor..this helps carry us through the harder times even..laughing together, never loose this...


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## meson

Great list! It’s not just the points of your list but its how you keep those points going that is important. We had those things at the beginning of our marriage and life was great to start but somewhere along the line we stopped doing things that fed the items on your list. Over time because we didn’t do what Cosmos said (Communicate, communicate, communicate) we lost touch with 1 & 2. Being too busy (we thought we didn’t have time for date night etc.) we lost touch with 5. It took many years but our marriage became toxic. If we had figured out sooner to communicate in a better way and do the rest of the items in Cosmos’s list then we would have never gotten to the point where divorce was mentioned. 

We restored out communication and our marriage improved but yet we were still separate. As CMan & SA said being interdependent is healthy and I think even necessary. However before you can be interdependent you need to have the strong sense of self-awareness as SA said. For our marriage we each had to ground ourselves in what satisfied our souls and be open to sharing it with our spouses. Or find a way that they could participate with it even though they don’t do it directly. It is a great balancing act between growing as a couple and staying strong as individuals to help support and grow both as yourself and with your spouse. Doing this takes respect. You need to respect that there will be some things that your spouse does that you may not care for but you need to support them and participate as much as you can if its really that important to them.

Point 4 was never that important to us. Regular enjoyable sex is what helps keep us bonded but adventurous isn’t necessary though we vary things up to stay fresh.

Taking the vows seriously is very important. As I said our marriage was great to start and got off track. Through a variety of things Cosmos mentioned we re-grounded ourselves and marriage. Our marriage was in the best place it had been for years when I began to develop feelings for another woman who was significant in our lives. I could have ignored the vows and gone and fed the feelings but I did realize that I belonged to one woman not two. It is mainly because our marriage was in such a good place that my self-awareness was able to recognize I was starting to go down a dark road. Having my wife indicate that she knew I had a girlfriend was equivalent to her having my back. But in addition to what CMan said about having your spouse’s back you must realize that they have your back and you must listen and respect their gut feelings when they open up to you and let you know you are going to far. This respect and listening to their feelings will enable you to help keep your vows. If your spouse has taken the time to let you know that they are afraid of a relationship you have with someone opposite sex or not then you should really pay attention and heed their warnings for your own protection.


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## Curious_Guy

I'm so glad I posted this thread here!

I did not get so much positive reception when I posted this in the CWI section. The comments seemed neutral (kinda), with comments mostly trying to inform me, some negative comments, and some claimed my guidelines only work in the beginning of marriage). But I'm not surprised, it's the CWI section after all. 

I knew I was on the right track with my guidelines and thanks to you guys for showing me that. 
It's good to know that I have substantial amount of knowledge when it comes to marriage, even for a young guy,


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## meson

The CWI people are not wrong. It was true in my case. We let our marriage falter. We were really lucky that we rebuilt it before either one of us found someone who tweaked our interest and stirred emotions in us. My story could have easily been a typical CWI story. Their stories are what may happen if you don't tend to the points raised in this thread. The love for my wife and our strong bond is what kept me stable when I started slipping into an EA. If it had been a couple of years earlier I would not have had that attraction to my wife keep me from going further. If the Bond holding you to your spouse is gone then it is even more likely that bonds will form with others even when you don't want them. it's the way the chemistry of emotions work. Looking back I see that I was responsible for creating an environment that made attachments with others more likely which then leads to infidelity more easily. In effect there was a time when both is us created an environment which encouraged infidelity. Just because someone falls into infidelity first doesn't absolve the other from the blame of contributing to the environment which helped enable infidelity. 

I now recognize that it is every spouses responsibility to keep the marriage environment as healthy as possible. It is our duty to look out for ourselves and our spouse.


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## Caribbean Man

meson said:


> *I now recognize that it is every spouses responsibility to keep the marriage environment as healthy as possible. It is our duty to look out for ourselves and our spouse.*


:iagree:, Exactly!

" _Men are, at sometimes masters of their fate. The fault , dear Brutus , is not in the stars but in ourselves that we become underlings.._"
" _Julius Ceasar_ " ~William Shakespeare,

I believe,and I might be wrong, that the only things that happens by chance in a marriage are external and hence , peripheral to the relationship.

Fortune, misfortune can happen at anytime but how we react to it, and how we allow it to affect our relationship is totally left up to us.
We must own our actions.

If we get rich and allow it to make us into new people so that we could hardly recognize ourselves in the mirror, that's a choice. Many others have become rich and became better persons for it.

If misfortune comes and we loose all our money, but recognize that we still have each other, then that too is a choice. We _vowed_ and _choose _to stick together in sickness, health, for better or worse.


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## Curious_Guy

Yeah I knew those in the CWI weren't wrong.
But it's great to know that I'm on the right track (speaking from a young guy), and it's good to know that my guidelines can be kept for a long time in a marriage. 
Lots of comments in CWI state that my guidelines only apply to the beginning of marriages, but comments on this section show it's possible that my guidelines still work no matter how many years pass by. Makes sense, because you are more likely to find good marriages in this section rather than CWI. And it's great to hear about people with successful marriages.
Of course, you need morals, communication, commitment, boundaries, and responsibility to keep those guidelines as the years goes by.


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## skype

Very good advice here from the TAM veterans. I went into our marriage thinking that I knew all of this stuff, and that our love would conquer any obstacle that we faced.

I did not count on my stubborn pride being an obstacle to a happy marriage. I was very surprised by the power struggle that ensued in the first few years of marriage. Things went much smoother when I figured out that we were a team, and I should not feel competitive with my husband. 

When I started looking at everything through the filter of "Is this good for our marriage?" rather than how I could get my way, I knew that our union would survive. I also discovered that things work best when we each have our own defined areas of control and expertise to minimize conflict and disagreements.

When I was first dating I thought that I wanted a partner who was a clone of myself. We would agree on everything, right? Somewhere along the way I realized that you want someone who complements your strengths and weaknesses, not a carbon copy of yourself.

And as I suspected, maintaining a vibrant sex life is the easiest way to overlook petty disagreements!


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## SimplyAmorous

skype said:


> When I was first dating I thought that I wanted a partner who was a clone of myself. We would agree on everything, right? *Somewhere along the way I realized that you want someone who complements your strengths and weaknesses, not a carbon copy of yourself.*


 The complimenting of our strengths and weaknesses is so very true... Temperament wise, opposites often attract for this very reason, we admire in another something we struggle with.....

I have joked many times with my husband over the years, had I married someone like myself, we might have killed each other.. and had he married someone like himself, it might just be a little too un-eventful... I bring the spice, I am more creative - the family planner... but I also have the lack of patience and get angrier easier... he is like a Stable breeze..he gets me to laugh at myself (love his sense of humor!)... he tempers me and God he is a Saint to put up with me at times ...but the man says he enjoys it.. he loves my feisty spirit & calls me his "Roller Derby woman" with a ..... it's the coolest thing.



> *And as I suspected, maintaining a vibrant sex life is the easiest way to overlook petty disagreements*!


 this takes care of many ills !


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## romantic_guy

Curious_Guy said:


> Here are my guidelines (a user here actually told me I should post this):
> 
> 1. Marry someone who's your best friend and lover at the same time. Someone you can't live without and need just as much as he/she need you.
> 2. You're crazy about your spouse! You love him/her so much and they're always on your mind and you're excited to come home to a loving spouse after work.
> 3. You guys take your marriage vows seriously. Some people claim they would never cheat, but people change when they grow older and they all of a sudden are cheaters.
> 4. Sex life should be adventurous. That way, sex won't become "plain vanilla."
> 5. Both spouses should stay in shape.



I think all of these are great! We have followed these for most of our 41 years. Although we started at it a bit backwards. Our relationship started sexually as teenagers. She got pregnant and we got married. The "best friends" part developed later. 

But we are crazy about each other, take our vows seriously, have fairly adventurous sex, and stay in shape.

I also think it is important to realize that sex is not always spectacular. Life gets in the way. Sometimes you have to do it just because. Also, what are you going to do if one person is too ill to have sex for an extended period of time? My DW had complications from a hysterectomy in March. She has not felt we'll since. Our sex life has taken a dive. She is now just discovering that the source of her health issues is related to gluten. She has changed her diet, is feeling much better and our sex life is improving.

My point? There are many tough phases in marriage. That is where #3 comes in. There were many times we did not feel in love, but you hang in there.


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## meson

romantic_guy said:


> My point? There are many tough phases in marriage. That is where #3 comes in. There were many times we did not feel in love, but you hang in there.


:iagree:


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## Caribbean Man

romantic_guy said:


> *I also think it is important to realize that sex is not always spectacular.* Life gets in the way. Sometimes you have to do it just because.


:iagree: x 100%!

What you said there is reality 101 in marriage. Kids , job stress sometimes can get in the way of great sex. But my idea is whenever it hits a plateau or valley and becomes vanilla, we just remember the last time it was good and do it all over again!
It might not be consistently good for extremely long periods , but it's understood that vanilla parts never last too long.

Communication, verbal and non verbal, is key.

Hmmm,
I'm starting to like this thread!


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## Curious_Guy

Caribbean Man said:


> :
> Hmmm,
> I'm starting to like this thread!


I'm glad I started this thread!
If only this thread was more popular with a bunch of people posting good advice and success stories...


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## Happyswingers

Curious_Guy said:


> 1. Marry someone who's your best friend and lover at the same time. Someone you can't live without and need just as much as he/she need you.


Yep.



> 2. You're crazy about your spouse! You love him/her so much and they're always on your mind and you're excited to come home to a loving spouse after work.


Yep.



> 3. You guys take your marriage vows seriously. Some people claim they would never cheat, but people change when they grow older and they all of a sudden are cheaters.


Cheating will mean different things to different people (I have never cheated on my wife and we are swingers  ) but the biggest issue with cheating, is once you cheat, open communication becomes impossible. I have nothing hidden from my wife, nothing. 



> 4. Sex life should be adventurous. That way, sex won't become "plain vanilla."


The term for non-swingers in the swinger community is "vanillias" so amusing choice of words to me. Swinger or not, you have to keep the sex life going and more importantly, if someone is losing interest focus on it quickly. Don't let it die to the point it doesn't return.



> 5. Both spouses should stay in shape. Exercise is very important when it comes to sex. Also, it makes you physically attractive. After all, why cheat when you already have an attractive spouse? Lol


I agree with this 100% though I'm sure there are fat and happy couples out there. I think the key is both partners should be of equal fitness. If one busts their ass in diet and exercise and the other lets themselves go, this will cause resentment. 

I'd add #6 COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE.


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## Caribbean Man

Curious_Guy said:


> I'm glad I started this thread!
> If only this thread was more popular with a bunch of people posting good advice and success stories...


There are quite a few success stories here, maybe they're not as popular because of the nature of the website. But there are success stories!


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## Curious_Guy

Caribbean Man said:


> There are quite a few success stories here, maybe they're not as popular because of the nature of the website. But there are success stories!


I agree. Those with successful marriages are less likely to come on TAM in the first place because this site mainly about problems in a marriage.

But it's good we have people sharing their success stories.


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