# Not an affair... as such



## Nelson (Nov 11, 2008)

Hi, I'm new here. I registered as I really would like some advice on my current situation and how I can cleanse my head of the thoughts I have.

My wife left me a week after our 5th wedding anniversary. There were a multitude of reasons but looking back the dominant one was simply that I did not give her the attention she needed. I had been depressed for sometime and neither of us had noticed the effect it was having on our relationship.

My wife (as far as I'm aware) never actually had an affair but she sought the attention from 2 other men. 1 was a work colleague with whom she engaged in email contact and lunches together over a few months. I found out she had been emailing him whilst we were on holiday celebrating our anniversary. Once I found out, she admitted that they fancied each other and had been flirting but that nothing had happened.

We were seperated for 5 months but kept in regular contact. She recently decided that she wants to give it another go and that she understands where we went wrong and that it was not because I didn't love her. I have been receiving counselling and feel so much better about myself which can only help us.

So far things are going really well. She won't move back in yet but we see each other regularly and that spark is back. However I can't get the thought of her spending time with this person out of my head. I'm so scared that I won't be able to stop thinking about it and begin trusting her again. It's not as if she had an affair but my heart was torn in two when I knew that she was thinking about him on our holiday, over our anniversary.

In order for this to work, I have to trust her. I have no choice and can only take each day as it comes and see what happens. But I just can't get the images out of my head. I then start thinking that maybe she has been seeing other men since we seperated. I refuse to ask her as I couldn't bare to know if she had.


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## tarheel68 (Sep 17, 2008)

I know where you are comiing from in some degree . I found out a couple of months ago that my wife was having an "emotional affair" . We were having problems that lead to this (not that it is o.k.) , mostly from my emotional unattachement. But she has ended her contact with this guy and we have been going to counselling and it is helping us get through this . If you want things to work out , you and and her are going to have to communicate (which in our case ,was a major factor in our problems . The feelings of insecurity your having are normal and you cant beat yourself up over them . For me its getting easier everyday and it will for you as well ,you will have good days and bad days but if you love her enough to try again ,Im sure you love her enough to do whatever you can to make things work ... I think in this day and time so many are just too willing to throw in the towel . You will find on this forum that so many here just want to work things out with their spouses and do what they have to do so ... The advice i have gotten on here has helped as much if not more than the counselling i have received ... So dont give up and ANY quetions that you have ,just put them out there , youll see that the peopole in here are here to help and share their experiences as well ..... Good luck


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:iagree:

Hi Nelson,

I have been there myself and totally understand how disturbing the mental images can be. I can tell you that they become much less frequent over time and my ability to think of positive things happening with us now when those thoughts emerged became easier to do over time as well. Part of me now thinks I needed to go through that to really think about how important it is to stay plugged into our marriage and not let the daily grind create distance. Maybe it's no pain no gain mentality, I don't know.

My husband still works with the woman so that doesn't help speed up the process of healing. As much as it feels like a direct hit to know your spouse had feelings for another, what I have found in many cases is that it seems to be more of a way to escape dealing with the issues within a marriage and much of the attraction is fantasy not really knowing the other person or dealing with the real world issues we all have at home...not even worth comparing...it's not reality. I think that's why when people take it a step further and run off with their 'fantasy' person it usually falls apart within 6 months or when reality sets in.

Sorry to hear you're going through this, but you are not alone & I'm glad to hear you are both wanting to work things out.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

i've been on this forum for a couple of months. the only solace i think someone can take away from here if their spouse has had an EA is this: they are WAY more common than you think.

i have worked in two personality-driven industries, radio and auto sales. in both, i can tell you that there were a large number of people "involved" in some sort of emotional attachment. i've read several definitions of EA's, and many of the relationships i saw WERE emotional affairs. some even same sex EA's

the good news there is that very few of them ever escalated to physical situations. and most of the EA's fizzled over time.

so, if the fizzle can go out of an EA, i would assume that the images (pictures in your mind) will fade too.

stay sane, don't let it consume you. stay connected. you'll be fine.


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## Nelson (Nov 11, 2008)

Thank you for your comments and advice. It's reassuring to hear that what I am experiencing is normal emotions. I know that time will heal, but if only it were possible to fastforward! My wife is giving off all the correct signals, and talking about our future full of optimism but I seem to take tiny things and escalade them into something bigger. For example, I have spent some time with her today at her house. I had to come back to walk and feed my dog and I suggested she come back with me as we were planning on meeting later this eve anyway. But she said she couldn't as she had stuff to do. Perfectly normal, mundane stuff like housework, but my mind automatically thinks the worst. She must be emailing somebody, or inviting somebody over. It's daft, I know. Also, we have both stopped wearing our wedding rings. I would like us to wear them again but she does not want to. She says she would prefer it if we got new ones, without the bad memories. A fresh start I guess. It makes sense, but I automatically think she won't wear a ring as other men might not approach her.

I presume it's simply my lack of trust rearing it's head, and in time these thoughts will dissappear but right now it's awful and I can't rid my head of them.


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