# How much do I have to sacrifice and give of myself to make this work?



## momto2boys (Jul 31, 2011)

Hi all, this is my first post here. I've had a horrible week and I needed to seek out some additional support.

My DH and I have been together for 14.5 years and married for 13. Things went great for the first 5 years of our marriage, but things change drastically when our first son was born. Now, almost 8 years later, I am on the verge of leaving.

DH has been dx'd with ADHD and its effect on our marriage has been HUGE. I gave him an ultimatum in November 2010 that he needed to seek treatment or my path would become very clear. He is going to therapy (finally with some regularity) and taking meds, but progress is painfully slow. We are also in a tight financial spot, which just makes things worse.

Lately I get the feeling/impression that his life is all about him. I stay home with our two boys and keep our household running smoothly (I do all bill paying, grocery shopping, cooking, etc), but that doesn't seem to count. Due to our financial situation, I am trying to get my business back up and running, and he is thwarting my efforts at every turn. He takes every night to study for an upcoming professional exam, leaving me no time for work. But yet he can't take a 2nd job to make ends meet because he needs to study. When I do get some time to work, I find the house to be a disaster when I am done. It's like he expects me to then stay up late and sacrifice MY time to do the things that he really should have done. This came to a head this week and resulted in a very heated therapy session several days ago.

Our communication sucks--every comment or question ends up in an argument because he second guesses or misinterprets everything I say. Even if I ask in the most unloaded way possible, I still get venom from him.

The bottom line is--how much more can I take? I have sacrificed so much of myself, struggled with post partum depression after giving birth to both our boys, and am finally clawing my way back up through my own therapy and medication. I finally feel good about ME. But how long do I endure his treatment? How long do I wait for progress? How long do I be the "better person" and be nice in spite of his nastiness? 

I know that change has to start somewhere, and I have tried to make it start with me, but I feel like I'm the one making all the effort with very very little return.

We are in therapy and have had six sessions so far. Progress has been very slow there because of DH's unease with the whole therapy process and some misunderstandings about it too. 

Just don't know how much longer I can hang on and endure his horrible treatment of me. We have two young boys and I worry about them, too.

Thanks for any insight you can give.


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

Maybe his meds aren't right. He sounds a little like my H and there are issues with the meds as well. There are many different kinds and sometimes if there is no positive improvement, meds need to be changed or adjusted? Mine has been on almost all of them until finding something that really worked, and when it works it's like night and day.
As far as how much of you to give, I have no advice. I have been in the same boat, but you still have to keep plugging away whether he's there or not.


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## momto2boys (Jul 31, 2011)

He just started seeing a new psych and just started Concerta, so we'll see....

Before this he was playing around with his Adderall. Very, very frustrating that he doesn't take all this seriously.

His therapist doesn't think he needs an anti-depressant.


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

This sounds very tough. Sometimes though, you gotta let grown people do what they're going to do because they are going to do it anyways. It is great that you all are in counseling so keep it up. Maybe right now you won't be able to start your business, maybe you need to let him take that test first. Is there anything else in the meantime that can make you happy until he comes around. Being upset with him because he won't change won't change him any faster, but you can do what you can to make yourself happy.


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## momto2boys (Jul 31, 2011)

Thanks for your reply. The exams are every 6 months for at least the next 2.5 years. 

I'm doing what I can, trying to take care of me and protect our kids from his wrath. It's hard, though, very hard and I don't know how much patience I have left. 

I need to get my business going because we need income. We have some medical bills to pay off and we just had an unexpected $3200 expense. It sucks.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Both of my sons have ADHD. They are children, which of course is very different from adults. But one thing I do think probably stays the same is that with ADHD, a big problem is impulsivity. The misinterpreting you, second guessing, jumping the gun to assume what you are going to say is probably a result of that impulsivity. 

Of course, knowing that doesn't make things any better for you. But perhaps it's something you can keep in the front of your mind to try to make things a bit easier? Kind of remind yourself of it when he does that, and maybe use it to cut him off? "Before you assume you know what I'm going to say, could you please just listen to what I actually am going to say?"

With all that said, if his behavior isn't changing, or at least notably, then it sounds as though the meds may not be the right ones or the right dosage. Or...do you know for a fact he is taking them? If he's not taking them daily, they're not going to help. In fact, if he only takes them erratically, they're more likely to hurt than to help. 

Another thought would be are you sure the ADHD diagnosis is correct? How does he react to the meds? Meds for ADHD are stimulants. In someone who actually has ADHD, those stimulants do not stimulate, they calm down. So, if he's taking the meds, and they seem to be stimulating him rather than calming down, consider that whoever diagnosed him may have been wrong. (Let me rephrase, not necessarily calming, but if he's getting stimulated by the meds, then it could be wrong. You can look up stimulant effects on adults to know for sure how it might affect an adult that doesn't have ADHD. Again, I'm coming at this mostly from dealing with children that have it, which is somewhat different.)

You say you two go to therapy and you say "his" therapist doesn't think he needs an antidepressant. So am I correct in assuming he goes alone to a separate therapist for dealing with the ADHD? If so, you might consider going with him to a session or two, and talk to the therapist yourself. It may be that he is not giving his therapist an accurate impression of his life (not necessarily intentionally, sometimes the viewpoint of someone with ADHD can be a bit warped by the ADHD.) and so the therapist is treating based on a false idea of how severe the symptoms are. If he/she hears from you how things are, it will give a more balanced view of your husband's ADHD and allow for better treatment that might get things under control. 

I know for my sons when they started their meds, the improvement was almost immediate. With my oldest, it truly was immediate - the first pill he took, within half an hour to an hour, he was a different child. With my youngest, I think it took a day or two, but again...rapid effect and much better. Again, with an adult, it may take longer, but it should not take nearly a year. A few weeks at most.


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## momto2boys (Jul 31, 2011)

greeneyeddolphin said:


> Both of my sons have ADHD. They are children, which of course is very different from adults. But one thing I do think probably stays the same is that with ADHD, a big problem is impulsivity. The misinterpreting you, second guessing, jumping the gun to assume what you are going to say is probably a result of that impulsivity.
> 
> Of course, knowing that doesn't make things any better for you. But perhaps it's something you can keep in the front of your mind to try to make things a bit easier? Kind of remind yourself of it when he does that, and maybe use it to cut him off? "Before you assume you know what I'm going to say, could you please just listen to what I actually am going to say?"
> 
> ...


Thank you for sharing this. The impulsivity is definitely a factor and I will pay more attention to it.

He was dx'd by a psychiatrist. I *think* he is taking his meds regularly now. He recently switched to Concerta. When he was taking Adderall he said it helped "quiet the voices." He does not have hyperactive type, it's DEFINITELY inattentive type. I still feel like he's a little "checked out," so I'll have to watch that and talk to him about it. 

I think he would be LIVID if I called his therapist. They had a discussion about the depression and came to the conclusion that if they could control the ADHD symptoms, then the depression would resolve itself. We'll see....

Thanks for taking the time to respond!


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