# 2 steps forward and 1 step back....



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I will try and make this short and sweet.

My parents are visiting from the US and I always let them know to visit on Saturdays because it gives Mrs.CuddleBug her day alone off work and the other with my parents. It has always been this way and only early to late afternoons, also giving them time to go out with their friends.

I went to bed at 2am playing vids, my way to unstress from work.

I fall asleep very fast and I'm a sound sleeper.

My wifee decides to ask me many questions about my parents at 2am when I am literally falling asleep and not all mentally there anymore.

She doesn't stop, hit me many times and after a while of this, I am now awake and angry, but laughing is my way to deal with this instead of hitting her back.

I told her my parents either email or call us the day before they want to visit and it's always been that way.

This morning, she is still uptight, angry, getting upset and Mrs.CuddleBug got me quite angry moments ago. I told her, you always hit me hard when you get upset but notice I never hit you back? You are physically abusive to me and how would you like it if I always hit you when you got me angry??? She tells me, she won't hit me anymore.....we'll see.

I tell her, whenever my parents visit, once every few years, for one day, for an afternoon, you always get crazy and I don't. I like her parents and don't mind them visiting but they usually never do.

She gets so uptight and upset, cleaning everything, worrying, and all for nothing!!!

So now for most of this day, I am not a happy camper. I told Mrs.CuddleBug, if I get angry, I'm angry most of the day and then I'm fine. It's not I'm happy and then angry every hour.

Then she tries and says, if we both drop it, can we move on? I countered her and said, you started all this, not me. This is slowly sinking into her head......slowly.


How can I deal with for the next time or when anyone visits?


Overall, we are moving 2 steps forward but this is one step back. Normal I guess but since we usually never fight, this drives me crazy.

She also said, you play vids alot and late. I told her, if you had a healthy high adventurous sex drive, my viding would be much less. Either I vid for stress relief, get sex, weight train, or landscape. No sex = viding during the work week.....can't have it both ways.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> How can I deal with for the next time or when anyone visits?


You give her all the details before 2am. Tell her what's going on so that she does not feel left about of the loop at 2am.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Were you helping with the cleaning and cooking and prepping for company? I would be annoyed if an in-law was coming by and DH stayed up until 2am playing games and I had to do all the company prep the next day. 


Also with this
"Then she tries and says, if we both drop it, can we move on? I countered her and said, you started all this, not me."

sounds like you just wanted to get the last word in and/or continue fighting. Just drop it and move on, no need to blame.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Were you helping with the cleaning and cooking and prepping for company? I would be annoyed if an in-law was coming by and DH stayed up until 2am playing games and I had to do all the company prep the next day.


I always find this kind of amusing. Men and women seem to think so differently about this. My parents live 3000 miles away. I grew up in their house and I will tell you right now that my mother is NOT tidy, not even a little bit. My wife has been to their house many times and she knows this too. But if they travel to visit us my wife is running around like crazy cleaning everything and making sure everything is in it's proper place. Why? I don't get it. My mother is never going to comment. I can remember my grandmother visiting (they only lived 20 minutes away) and she would run her fingers over surfaces and make little comments under her breath, and still my mother didn't give a crap. I think she left the house messy just to spite her.

So anyway, Cuddlebug didn't help clean because he didn't think they needed to go to all that trouble for a simple visit.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

WOM, WOM, WOM... You just don't get it. It's not just the visitors expectations of cleanliness, it's showing your home and the way you live to the people who raised your husband. 

My mother in law is as old school as they get when it comes to a clean home but would NEVER say or indicate anything was amiss during a visit.

Cuddle bug, if you know she goes a little bat sh!t when your parents visit, step it up to ease her tensions WHILE you encourage her to calm the hell down.

The hitting part, unacceptable! Don't let it drop until she fully apologizes and explains why it is unacceptable for ANY spouse to hit another spouse. Unless of course she wants a spanking too...


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I always clean the house in readiness for visitors, it is about having pride in ones home, that should not be too hard to understand.

Hitting your spouse or anyone for that matter is way crazy and not acceptable.

Telling your spouse that you play vid games because she does not have what you deem as a "healthy" sex drive is also crazy.

Some serious dysfunction going on in the CB household.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I always find this kind of amusing. Men and women seem to think so differently about this. My parents live 3000 miles away. I grew up in their house and I will tell you right now that my mother is NOT tidy, not even a little bit. My wife has been to their house many times and she knows this too. But if they travel to visit us my wife is running around like crazy cleaning everything and making sure everything is in it's proper place. Why? I don't get it. My mother is never going to comment. I can remember my grandmother visiting (they only lived 20 minutes away) and she would run her fingers over surfaces and make little comments under her breath, and still my mother didn't give a crap. I think she left the house messy just to spite her.
> 
> So anyway, Cuddlebug didn't help clean because he didn't think they needed to go to all that trouble for a simple visit.



Actually, I do more than half of the daily and weekly chores.......Mrs.CuddleBug leaves chores all to one day, does nothing all week and then gets upset....go figure.

But you nailed it spot on.:smthumbup:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Holland said:


> I always clean the house in readiness for visitors, it is about having pride in ones home, that should not be too hard to understand.
> 
> Hitting your spouse or anyone for that matter is way crazy and not acceptable.
> 
> ...



The disfunction are clueless LD spouses that starve their HD spouses and not get it......duh.

I stress relieve in the order:

(01) SEX
(02) Vids
(03) weight training
(04) Landscaping our area

When the sex is usually not there, I got to #2......I will get my stress relief or I will snap. Burning my candle at both ends is very naive and foolish.

I do more for our house inside and especially outside than Mrs.CuddleBug ever has done. She doesn't even come close to what I do every day every week, etc. so I'm not upset if I didn't help her clean house the few days before my parents came to visit. I cleaned the entire kitchen spotless by the way.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> WOM, WOM, WOM... You just don't get it. It's not just the visitors expectations of cleanliness, it's showing your home and the way you live to the people who raised your husband.
> 
> My mother in law is as old school as they get when it comes to a clean home but would NEVER say or indicate anything was amiss during a visit.
> 
> ...


Thx for the advice. I will try and calm her more, but even by me talking with her, each and every time they visit, she forgets and goes bat **** crazy.

My parents couldn't care less about the cleaniness of our house. They are happy to see Mrs.CuddleBug and I and our new kitten, Sampson.

I do maybe 30 minutes of inside or outside chores 7 days each week. I never let it pile up and spend 4 hours at once on a day off and I grocery shop too.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You give her all the details before 2am. Tell her what's going on so that she does not feel left about of the loop at 2am.



No emails from my parents and phone calls at that point yet.......they called today, in the morning.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Were you helping with the cleaning and cooking and prepping for company? I would be annoyed if an in-law was coming by and DH stayed up until 2am playing games and I had to do all the company prep the next day.
> 
> 
> Also with this
> ...



My wifee did nothing unusual for cleanup yesterday for my parents who visited today.

I grocery shop, make sure all bills are paid, recycle, cat food, water and litter, take time off work for contractors for townhouse upgrades, all outside landscaping, work full time, etc....I do more than my fair share of chores and without being asked.

Mrs.CuddleBug gets stressed out very easily and drives me crazy at times were as I don't.

I don't let my wifee get away with crap, and no consequences, etc. If I did that, she would get away with much worse. If I woke her up at 2am coming to bed after her falling asleep on the couch, which she does every Friday morning (her last work day is Thursday) she would freak.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

women have this thing about the house "never being clean enough for company". A one day's notice is going to freak most women out! Tell you parents you need more notice next time, because your wife will flip out cleaning for them.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

murphy5 said:


> Tell you parents you need more notice next time, because your wife will flip out cleaning for them.


I would stick with "Mom and Dad, we need more notice before you plan to come over" and leave out the part where the wife flips out. Be on the same team as your wife. 

I flip out if the cable guy is coming. Having people come to my house gives me anxiety and I feel overwhelmed about what is or isn't done. I don't know your wife or the dynamic between you, it all sounds odd to me, but if it was me- telling me "don't freak out" isn't going to do crap. 

What would help me is 
1. Lots of notice. Sorry but 1 day notice would result in a big NO from me and that would be that.

2. Support. Don't treat me like I'm crazy or that my feelings don't matter or I should just get over it. 
Don't b*tch at her for leaving the cleaning until the weekend (BTW this is something I do too, I do priority stuff during the work week but weekends are my deep cleaning time.) 
Maybe if she had more notice she could have moved some of her cleaning schedule around. Help make a plan. Help follow through with the plan. Tell her "this room looks great" and "that food smells amazing". 

3. Accept that she is someone who gets stressed. Usually all for nothing and it all works out in the end but it's how she is.
Think of it this way- you want her to accept that you are someone who will either have sex or play vids all night. You don't want her to [email protected] about it because that's how you are and you aren't going to change even if it drives her crazy. Ok, well this is who SHE is. Accept it, don't b*tch about it. 

With the hitting, I had pictured in my head more "hey wake up I'm still talking" taps but re-reading it I see where I was wrong there. If you think she is really sincere about stopping that behavior, maybe suggest counseling for her and MC for both. 

I still don't understand not letting a fight just be dropped and move on because she needs consequences. Plus when she b*tches about your behavior it is again all her fault 
You make it sound like she is the only one that needs to be changed. You might get a lot further if you sat down together and figured out ways you both need work. (and no, not just well if you gave me sex I wouldn't do X)


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I would stick with "Mom and Dad, we need more notice before you plan to come over" and leave out the part where the wife flips out. Be on the same team as your wife.
> 
> I flip out if the cable guy is coming. Having people come to my house gives me anxiety and I feel overwhelmed about what is or isn't done. I don't know your wife or the dynamic between you, it all sounds odd to me, but if it was me- telling me "don't freak out" isn't going to do crap.
> 
> ...




Great advice and thx.:smthumbup:


I too would like more than one days heads up, but that isn't always the case and I adapt to it. Mrs.CuddleBug does not.

I change and adapt to situations quickly while she doesn't, complains and gets upset. That is a problem at times. Sounds a bit spoiled to me.

When she acts crazy I do let her know. I call it as I see it and I'm honest. I don't tell her what she wants to hear.

See, she could do a small amount of chores on a daily basis taking really little to no time, or she can put if off.....and off.....and then waste all day doing chores on her day off and complain. That's lazy and makes no sense.

I get stressed out too but I deal with stress by having sex with her, vids, weights and landscaping. She still hasn't got around to finding things that help her unstress and she knows it too. Lots of talking but no doing.

If she starts a fight with me, I will finish it. There are good and bad consequences for everything we do in life. No consequences means they get away with it and that's not good, like a spoiled child, etc.

Mrs.CuddleBug knows I have a healthy high adventurous sex drive. She knows sex is the number one thing to unstress me. Like last night, sex and we were watching UFC together......I am so mellow right now, and she liked the cuddling on the couch and watching our UFC together.

I change and adapt quickly, I could have a lot or little notice, I do like a clean house but I spread it out a little every day so it never piles up, I don't start fights but I will finish them. Someone who doesn't change and adapt to the situations, can start fights and be *****y and expects no bad consequences, sounds like a very selfish and spoiled person. Not good.:scratchhead:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

murphy5 said:


> women have this thing about the house "never being clean enough for company". A one day's notice is going to freak most women out! Tell you parents you need more notice next time, because your wife will flip out cleaning for them.


I can do that and I will.....thx.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

You have # of really bad issues going on.

a) lack of intimacy - I suggest you don't accept this and start working on it with your wife. She needs to realize how important it is (some will tell you WORST than cheating).........and express what it means to you. She either takes action or you start divorce.....UNLESS you want to live like this FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?

b) Physical abuse -this has to stop. Tell her if this EVER happens again, you are calling 911 and are gone. Why in the world you haven't done this already is beyond me. Which brings me to another point. YOU ARE AN ENABLER > without enablers, there would be no abusers (to an extent). Some will tell you that being enabler is as bad as being the abuser (again, to an extent)

c) Rug sweeping -stop playing video games and start dealing with your issues. Ignoring them = makes them worst. Think of issues as snowballs rolling down the hills. More they role, bigger they get and worst the crash is at the bottom.

d) when your wife want to talk to you, I don't really care if it's 4am or 9pm.........listen and engage. Don't laugh or rug sweep with "it's not the time". You haven't GIVEN her the time to talk as you are ignoring her and busy playing video games....

Not for a second don't you think that YOU are NOT part of this problem.

YOU ARE

It takes 2 to tango. if your wife is ****ty, fine, but to lower yourself to her standards......well, 2 wrongs don't make a right.

Make a decision, accept her BS and be miserable or work on making things better, and if they don't, put it ALL on the line.

Tell her WITH ACTION that you are serious and these things are complete deal breakers.

So far, you told her the opposite with your actions. She thinks that if you don't get your way you will simply go into your cave and hide >>>>> she wins, in her mind.

Good luck


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI Cuddlebug

Wanted to respodn to this. sorry this is late. Responses below yours

I will try and make this short and sweet.

My parents are visiting from the US and I always let them know to visit on Saturdays because it gives Mrs.CuddleBug her day alone off work and the other with my parents. It has always been this way and only early to late afternoons, also giving them time to go out with their friends.

I went to bed at 2am playing vids, my way to unstress from work.

I fall asleep very fast and I'm a sound sleeper.

My wifee decides to ask me many questions about my parents at 2am when I am literally falling asleep and not all mentally there anymore.

Judith; She is have anxiety about your parents. I read somewhere that she has issues with her own due to them hardly visiting. Whether she realizes it or not they did indirectly or directly play a part in her view of herself and sex etc. So I say taht to say this. Sometimes parents if they dont get counseling for how they treated their children. Children will revert back adult children that is will revert back to the child dynamic that caused them to feel inferior to their parents. 

So they idea that any parent is coming and she is concern how she is seen by your parents is enough to unrattle her. 
Cause her to have anxiety about their coming regardless of the kind of relationship she has with your parents. 

She doesn't stop, hit me many times and after a while of this, I am now awake and angry, but laughing is my way to deal with this instead of hitting her back.

Judith: She should not hit you and you should stop that but you need to find out why she is reacting that way. That is a nonsexual emotional relational issue that that your parents bring up without her even realize it even when they dont mean to etc. You need to show her your angry by how you say things not act it out like her
Say something like: I am angry that you hit me mrs and that is uncalled for. You need to verbally tell me why your struggling with my parents coming. 
Then help her solve it. You are logical and can help her analyze her feelings etc. 

I told her my parents either email or call us the day before they want to visit and it's always been that way.

Judith; Even that can cause a woman emotional upset. it is just the idea that there is going to be a connection that she feels like she cant control 

This morning, she is still uptight, angry, getting upset and Mrs.CuddleBug got me quite angry moments ago. I told her, you always hit me hard when you get upset but notice I never hit you back? 

JUdith; She is dealing with emotions from the past and needs to figure out why your parents bring up issues in her. Usually when that happens she has unresolved issues from her own parents. YOu need again to stop the hit. She is probably reacting from a child point of view and not realize she is doing it because of the feelings. She is struggling with what they represent to her. Have they said things to her that was not good that she took as not good but they meant it in kind?

You are physically abusive to me and how would you like it if I always hit you when you got me angry??? She tells me, she won't hit me anymore.....we'll see.

Judith; YOu need to stop it before she even gets to that point. YOu need to look for her anger signals. She is give them. Sometimes women get quiet or verbally say things

I tell her, whenever my parents visit, once every few years, for one day, for an afternoon, you always get crazy and I don't. I like her parents and don't mind them visiting but they usually never do.

Judith: Because they represent unresolved issues from her own past with her own parents. 

She gets so uptight and upset, cleaning everything, worrying, and all for nothing!!!

Judtih: That is about how she is going to be perceived by them either acceptance or rejection. Shows her mother had issues with how she did things in the house. 

So now for most of this day, I am not a happy camper. I told Mrs.CuddleBug, if I get angry, I'm angry most of the day and then I'm fine. It's not I'm happy and then angry every hour.

JUdith; You need to go walk around the block then to iron yours out and you could have something from your past that is contribute to you stay angry that long.
I understand etc. but the key is you need to work on your angry and figure out why you hold it so long. IT is ok to be angry but why so long. Is it bringing up something in you that you are struggling with that your parents contributed to that told you how you feel about you that you are not aware of. 


Then she tries and says, if we both drop it, can we move on? I countered her and said, you started all this, not me. This is slowly sinking into her head......slowly.

Judith: I agree why you would feel the need to say that. But the key is to say it a different way
First off she is dealing with feelings she wants to get rid of in not feeling connected to you adn sense you to are not connected and so she wants to have you be back to your self so she can feel connected. 
Try say I want to reconnect to you and i know your not feeling connected to me but I am struggling to feel connected to you because of what happen. I need to be able to talk about how i feel in what happen -the key is to say your angry in words and feelings in words not in how you relate to her. if that makes sense? 

How can I deal with for the next time or when anyone visits?

Judith: The key is to talk her if she has any feelings about what she is feeling about their coming and head it off at the past and figure out what the issue is that they represent-i am sure it is something from her past with her own parents. Give her a day warning so that you can talk to her about it so she can calm down and not be so upset inside. IF you know when the time is approximate every year give her a weeks notice that it is coming up for while and see what her issue is until the issue is iron out

Overall, we are moving 2 steps forward but this is one step back. Normal I guess but since we usually never fight, this drives me crazy.

Judith: Your a guy that is why it is drive you crazy. Good you never do but this is because of her own parents and past. You are going to have this for while because she is dealing with nonsexual issues relational besides sexual issues with sex. Sexual issues with sex bring up nonsexual issues. Your a guy again because you are logically and dont come to things first with feelings. We women come to things first with feelings etc. The key is to remember she woman and thinking like a woman in regards to feelings. The key is to address the feelings and then that changes the behavior. 

She also said, you play vids alot and late. I told her, if you had a healthy high adventurous sex drive, my viding would be much less. Either I vid for stress relief, get sex, weight train, or landscape. No sex = viding during the work week.....can't have it 

Judith: She is afraid to address her concern about your behavior and not sure how to talk to you about it and so on. 
You just need to teach her about how you as a guy need things in a relationship to help her. She doesnt understand why you need a stress reliever. She doesnt realize that recreational companionship is what you need and one of the five needs and that you are doing that and want to enjoy her company but she doesnt know how to relate to you while you doing that. The key is to have her do her own thing while you do that and then do something together. Or do something together and then do that with her beside you.


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