# Maturity with relationships advice



## Newage (Jan 4, 2019)

Hi everyone 

Little bit about myself:
- 22 years old
- work in the IT/Marketing field
- looking to build a relationship with the intention of marriage in the future

So I’m not your typical 22 year old, don’t have fb/snap etc (only for my business) as I found it pointless and it’s just a tool to compare peoples ‘perfect lives’ 

I’m one of those people who wishes they were born in the 70s where meeting people required approaching someone and making convo, which I love doing..

I’m about to start a new full time job and am building my business on the side, with the intention of buying a house/apartment within the next 2 years and setting up myself financially for the future.

However I have a big issue, where when I meet a girl, we go on a few dates etc I end up losing complete attraction to her physically and emotionally because I have this idea of the ‘perfect’ woman - what she looks like and her personality, and that there could be someone ‘better’.

Now, I’m aware this is disgraceful, however it’s how I’m feeling and I’m trying to find a way to rectify my issue. It’s also not fair on the girl who doesn’t understand why I disappear after the date/s went so well.

A possibility, is that growing up I had little confidence around women, and now I’m bettering myself career wise and physically (gym etc) I’ve been getting new attention which I was not used to so I may be overwhelmed and ‘self-sabotage’ myself. It’s all mind games with myself.

I appreciate you spending the time reading this, I truly want to better myself so any suggestions or advice I will use. I want to address my flaw before I enter a relationship and ruin it - not fair for her or me.

Thank you


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Do you mind me asking do you sleep with these women.


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## Newage (Jan 4, 2019)

Andy1001 said:


> Do you mind me asking do you sleep with these women.




I do not sleep with these women. 


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Newage said:


> I do not sleep with these women.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


So they are attractive and have a good personality but you change your mind after a few dates.Which means you lose attraction,you prefer the chase to the capture.
You are not bonding with these women and you are looking for any reason to stop seeing them.
Why are you not having sex with them,is it for religious or cultural reasons?


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## Newage (Jan 4, 2019)

Andy1001 said:


> So they are attractive and have a good personality but you change your mind after a few dates.Which means you lose attraction,you prefer the chase to the capture.
> 
> You are not bonding with these women and you are looking for any reason to stop seeing them.
> 
> Why are you not having sex with them,is it for religious or cultural reasons?




It’s sad, it’s my personal reason. I have to have a real connection I can’t have sex casually. Maybe I should start?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Around here some people don’t like the idea of casual sex.
I’m not one of them though lol.
I think you are putting these women on a pedestal when you meet them,and then when you realize they are not the perfect goddesses you are looking for you are disappointed.
Have you much sexual experience,are you worried you may not meet expectations?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I think you are too young to pick a mate for life. Therefore, if that’s what you are looking for right now, your instincts are telling you that there are so many other fish in the sea. Which is true and you should not settle in any way. Your instincts are telling you not to choose a life mate right now.

Since you are so young, shouldn’t you just be looking for a nice, sweet girlfriend at this time? Without trying to pick one who will be Mrs. Forever? That way you aren’t locked in to anything and you’ll know that if/when this girlfriend ends up not being perfect (enough) that you will re-enter the market again sometime soon and look for a more compatible one. You should have a few girlfriends before you find a wife. That’s how you get closer to knowing which women are more compatible.


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## Newage (Jan 4, 2019)

Andy1001 said:


> Around here some people don’t like the idea of casual sex.
> 
> I’m not one of them though lol.
> 
> ...




The pedestal comment is spot on, I think I set myself up for disappointment..

Regarding sexual experience, it is limited. 


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Newage said:


> The pedestal comment is spot on, I think I set myself up for disappointment..
> 
> Regarding sexual experience, it is limited.
> 
> ...


One thing strikes me. If you want MARRIAGE vs the wild and woolly ride that is a relationship, every flesh and blood human will disappoint. Take your time. Don't wind up married to someone wrong for you. There are plenty of posts on this board to show you how badly that can end.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Sounds to me like you are doing something right. Being picky on a mate for life is what you should be. You are too young for such a commitment my opinion anyway. You should be dating so enjoy. 

Also as a young man if you can continue to look beyond the physical you are much more likely to choose wisely. Many of us didn’t make great choices at your age.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Newage said:


> The pedestal comment is spot on, I think I set myself up for disappointment..
> 
> Regarding sexual experience, it is limited.
> 
> ...


I ask this gently.When you say your sexual experience is limited,what exactly do you mean.
Have you ever had sex with a woman?
Do you find the idea of sex somewhat distasteful?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

First, start by reading the book Hold On To Your N.U.T.'s by Wayne Levine. It is a simple read that teaches/reminds us how to live a life based on our own principles. This, in turn, will help you recognize when someone is healthy or unhealthy for you.

Second, as discussed earlier, don't be in a rush. You can be a serial dater until one really clicks. 

Third, nobody is perfect. Don't idealize the person on the date. You will certainly be disappointed, and you will be so busy seeing what you want that you will miss out on what is. Very few things give me pleasure in life like being pleasantly surprised by my wife. 

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## Newage (Jan 4, 2019)

Andy1001 said:


> I ask this gently.When you say your sexual experience is limited,what exactly do you mean.
> 
> Have you ever had sex with a woman?
> 
> Do you find the idea of sex somewhat distasteful?




I have not had sex. My reasoning is I wanted to wait for the right one, though I have regretted this decision. 

I do not find it distasteful, actually recently had a few opportunities to act but I always feel like I’ll regret wasting it on a one-night stand.

Sounds like an interesting read. I’ll get a copy. 

I know being 22 I should have plenty of sexual experience, I guess my mindset is more traditional. 

I have contemplated ignoring my values and just having sex with multiple women to gain the experience. Should I consider this?

Just to clarify, I don’t want marriage now, but if I end up finding someone serious I would want to work towards that notion in the future. 


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Newage said:


> I have not had sex. My reasoning is I wanted to wait for the right one, though I have regretted this decision.
> 
> I do not find it distasteful, actually recently had a few opportunities to act but I always feel like I’ll regret wasting it on a one-night stand.
> 
> ...


Having premarital sex will not help solve your problem. Some champion the practice as necessary in order to gauge sexual compatibility, but that hasn't helped them, or millions of others, avoid dissatisfaction in their marriages.

Marriages in which both parties are virgins at the alter have the highest success rate of any marital demographic. Though, correlation does not equal causation. Most virgins at marriage, are religious. Therefore, the success of their marriages could be caused by them possessing morals, and not the singular reflection of those morals in their sexual habits.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Newage said:


> It’s sad, it’s my personal reason. I have to have a real connection I can’t have sex casually. Maybe I should start?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I think its great that you want to have that connection before you have sex. So few young people feel that way.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Newage said:


> I have not had sex. My reasoning is I wanted to wait for the right one, though I have regretted this decision.
> 
> I do not find it distasteful, actually recently had a few opportunities to act but I always feel like I’ll regret wasting it on a one-night stand.
> 
> ...


No please don't have casual sex. The right girl will respect you for your moral values. You don't gain the right sort of experience though one night stands, you gain it by having sex with the right person in a committed relationship/marriage where you can learn together. 

You say that by 22 you 'should' have had lots of sexual experience, why? Just because most others have? Is that how you want to live, be like the herd? Have low moral values? Use women for you own brief pleasure? 

My husband didn't have sex till he married at 25, I so love him for that. Shows his moral values, his self control, his good and respectful attitude towards women.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Newage said:


> I have not had sex. My reasoning is I wanted to wait for the right one, though I have regretted this decision.
> 
> I do not find it distasteful, actually recently had a few opportunities to act but I always feel like I’ll regret wasting it on a one-night stand.
> 
> ...


Two things I would like to know.
1.Is there any religious reasons for your abstinence.
2.Are you waiting for a virgin to begin having sex.
If it’s religion that’s holding you back then I have nothing to offer,the god brigade will soon pitch in to knock back any advice a sinner like me would offer you.
I have known two men in my life who wouldn’t have sex much less contemplate marriage to a woman who wasn’t a virgin.They are brothers and are still alone and both are in their fifties.
I honestly believe that it was fear of comparison to other men that was at the heart of it.If you are fearful of not performing in bed then that’s you and millions of other men in the same boat.
Your problem is that most women your age will not marry before having sex on a regular basis with their boyfriend despite what some people would have you believe.They rightly refuse to be tricked into a sexless marriage,just read some of the threads running at the moment about men and women trapped in what’s basically a roommate situation.
You need to get laid buddy,it’s as simple as that.


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## Spirit (Nov 8, 2016)

You still young. Don't rush yourself. You're unique towards virginity point of view. Not alot of younger people realise these days how precious it is. It's nice to be the "old school". At the same time, sex shouldn't be the judgment point when you choose your woman. Trust your guts when you meet new girl.

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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Do you have any close female friends?

If you're becoming disappointed and losing attraction when women you spend time with become more...real and flawed...then I suggest learning to see women in an entirely different way. As friends. Real, true, friends. The idea being that you learn to see women as people, flaws and all. Then you will be able to meet and feel attraction to particular women based on who they actually are vs an ideal in your head bound to disappoint.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Newage said:


> I have not had sex. My reasoning is I wanted to wait for the right one, though I have regretted this decision.
> 
> I do not find it distasteful, actually recently had a few opportunities to act but I always feel like I’ll regret wasting it on a one-night stand.
> 
> ...


In addition, I would invite you to consider that in light of the statistics I shared - will having casual sex make you more of a desirable partner for the type of woman you wish to attract as a marriage partner? 

As far as how to prepare yourself for marriage, I highly recommend reading the books "His Needs, Her Needs", and "Love Busters", both by the same author. "Models" by Mark Manson is also a great read for those who have limited, or no, experience with women. Mark approaches the topic from the perspective of casual relationships, but the principles he speaks about have utility in all romantic relationships.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> Two things I would like to know.
> 1.Is there any religious reasons for your abstinence.
> 2.Are you waiting for a virgin to begin having sex.
> If it’s religion that’s holding you back then I have nothing to offer,the god brigade will soon pitch in to knock back any advice a sinner like me would offer you.
> ...


Agree with some of this, except telling you what you need. Only you can figure that out. What I find very interesting is a possible connection between two things. Religion or virginity would seem like one, then the other would be what I have emboldened. This is the reason I quoted the post. It struck a chord in me and I wanted you to think about it. 


In any case, you need to take your time with whatever decision you make. Don't worry. Don't wait until you are fifty. Just gather information and think about it. Start eliminating things and figure out what you need to be happy and healthy.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Andy1001 said:


> Your problem is that most women your age will not marry before having sex on a regular basis with their boyfriend despite what some people would have you believe.They rightly refuse to be tricked into a sexless marriage,just read some of the threads running at the moment about men and women trapped in what’s basically a roommate situation.
> You need to get laid buddy,it’s as simple as that.


True, most women want to have sex before marriage. But he's not looking for most women - most women aren't worth being with. Someone's sexual performance before marriage isn't even a halfway reliable indicator of sexual performance in the long term. Just look at all the members here who started out their sexual relationships greatly satisfied, and now are not.

Him getting laid will not solve anything, nor make him a more desirable partner to the women he seeks to attract in the long term.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

You don't seem to be worried about your sex life, and I agree that you shouldn't be.

What you are concerned with is that you are losing attraction to young women as you get to know them a little better. That is a normal thing, IMO. Most women aren't 'the right one' so you will have to wade through them until you actually meet the right one. There are more than one 'right ones' out there, BTW. The only way to meet them is to get to know women and spend time with them.

A lot of men aren't very picky about the women they date, because they aren't looking for a long term relationship, they are just looking for new sex partners. You are familiar with the jokes about liquor making women look better (for sex later in the night) which proves that they aren't picky with who then end up in bed with. Some TAM men would be utterly embarrassed if everyone knew what some of their conquests looked like in reality.

Keep getting to know new women. Make some friendships with women, so you know that we are just people like you. And keep your pants on. Also stay away from porn. If you are watching porn, stop it because it will distort your views of women.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

I agree with @Araucaria 's above post.

@Newage,
The whole point of dating in your situation is to find the right one to eventually marry( for some it's just an obstacle to getting laid that must be dealt with). That being said, you're doing it exactly right. If the fire doesn't stay lit you look somewhere else. It saves you the grief of marrying the first person you ever go out on a date with and having a miserable life. When the right one comes along you won't lose interest, if you do, she wasn't the right one. 

As far as pre-marital sex, do what you feel you should, yea or nay, don't be pressured by anyone else. If you want to try it, try it. If you want to save it, save it.


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## Newage (Jan 4, 2019)

Wow so many great responses let me try and answer them:

- It is not for religious reasons, it’s my personal values 

- I don’t mind if she is not a virgin, that doesn’t affect me but if she is I guess that’s better for us to gain experience together?

- No, I don’t have close female friends. That’s actually a great point that I don’t value women as a friend first and get to know them well

- I am open to sex before marriage, just with the right person

- I have a high drive and truly believe sex will be very important in a relationship - I’m struggling atm because I want to have sex now but as I’ve said connection to me is important

- Regarding losing attraction, I feel I’m too picky with physical attraction but put it aside if I connect with her in other areas. However another date in the physical appearance effects my overall attraction if that makes any sense 

Just for further clarification, I am not desperate for marriage. I am not fully matured or financially ready atm. My point is that if I end up meeting the potentially ‘right’ woman, my intention would be for a long term commitment.

Let me know if I need to clarify any of the responses.

Thanks 


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

You sound like a smart guy who sticks to his own beliefs. Being genuine with yourself is the only way you will be able to be genuine with others. 

My suggestion is to work on friends first. What do you do for fun? What hobbies do you have? Find a club enjoying your hobby and become friends with the women in that club. Obviously naturally, not forced. I imagine that will be easy though as you are already doing something with others they too enjoy and conversations will flow naturally around that topic and into other places as well. You can get to know these women with zero pressure there at all. I'm personally a fan pf physical activities like hiking, cycling, rowing, softball or volleyball. Loads of activities out there where men and women can get together and just hang out and do something they enjoy together. Easy way to make great friends!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Newage said:


> It’s sad, it’s my personal reason. I have to have a real connection I can’t have sex casually. Maybe I should start?


While casual sex isn't something I'd do, it just isn't for me, there is nothing wrong with it if BOTH people involved know that it's only casual. Don't be one of those men who lead women to believe they're in a relationship when they only want to have sex, you don't want to be like that.



Newage said:


> *I have not had sex. My reasoning is I wanted to wait for the right one, though I have regretted this decision.*
> 
> I do not find it distasteful, actually recently had a few opportunities to act but I always feel like I’ll regret wasting it on a one-night stand.
> 
> ...


Why honey? Why "should" you have plenty of sexual experience? Who says so? 

As I said above, if you want to have casual sex that's your choice, but make sure the woman knows it's casual. But don't do it just for the experience, or go against your values, you won't feel good afterwards if you do that.

You're so young, dating is meant to be fun! Get out there, multi date and enjoy yourself. The reason you lose attraction to the girl after a couple of dates, is just because you haven't met one yet who really knocks your socks off. When you do, you'll know


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## Newage (Jan 4, 2019)

- That’s a great idea I’ll start going out more in environments where I can do activities with people whom have similar interests.

- I guess society has this pressure that you should be ‘out there’ more and waiting for the right person isn’t something that I’ve personally seen anymore 

- I have had that feeling once. We went on a few amazing dates where we traveled for hours finding scenic spots etc and went on great dinners. She was stunning too I was very attracted to her. At the end she wasn’t looking for a relationship I was more a Friend. She told me “It takes me years to trust someone before I can be in a relationship and I think you’re rushing it” She said that 3/4 months into seeing each other. Unfortunately I wasn’t patient and should of been her good friend first like someone else suggested.

I was a little hurt after that because she was the only one that gave me that ‘feeling’

To add to my issue with losing attraction, I get thrown off easily. One example.

I was on a date, we ending up laying on the beach having gelato that night and she kept repeating to me “you’re perfect, you’re just so perfect” Now I know that should be a good thing right? But in my head I’m like **** I’m far from it, she doesn’t even know me that well it’s not realistic. I think I’m too logical as a person 



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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

You say you are not the typical 22 year old, but you are a 22 year old. Maybe your subconscious is saying "no, not this one" because you need more time and you need to meet more women to understand what is a good fit for you.

You seem very goal oriented and driven compared to most 22 year olds, and you very well may have unrealistic expectations of what "the perfect fit" for you would be and you could be turning away great potential partners. But you also may need more time to know what is right for you. As you date more women you'll develop a more realistic expectations (hopefully).

*What are some of the things that suddenly made you lose your attraction to a woman? * If it is something like looks, class, education - things you can pin point right away after meeting them, then I suggest you stop dating these women immediately once you realize you won't be satisfied long term. But there are some things about personalities and how you interact that you can only learn over time.

Your behavior is only "despicable" IF:
- you pursue these women relentlessly until they are interested (and in bed with you...) and then you get bored and dump them.
- you know a girl won't be good for you long term but you pretend to have long term plans for her.
- when you do break up you just drop them and don't explain anything.

But if you're just dating to find one who is right for you, I think that's probably wise in your early 20's. I wish I'd taken more time doing that and really thinking about guy's personalities, habits, future goals, values, beliefs, etc.

If you're just addicted to the chase/rush of a new person, that's not abnormal, but be aware of it because long term you'll be very unhappy if you can't feel satisfied with one person long term.


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## Newage (Jan 4, 2019)

I definitely get a huge thrill out of the chase. Once it’s over I’m not as excited anymore either which I’ll have to snap out of at some point in the future.

I’ll have to continue dating to see if there’s any one I’m super super interested but I’m figuring it’ll take some time.

I try not to lead girls on, but it’ll be a lie to say that I haven’t. Not intentional but I have.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Newage said:


> I have not had sex. My reasoning is I wanted to wait for the right one, though I have regretted this decision.
> 
> I do not find it distasteful, actually recently had a few opportunities to act but I always feel like I’ll regret wasting it on a one-night stand.
> 
> ...


In my opinions, this word needs to leave our decision consciousness. So often our "shoulds" are piled on by what we think others expect of us. If your mindset and values et puts this as important, doing otherwise is not being true to YOURSELF. Mindset can change as can values. If that were the case, then game on. 



> I have contemplated *ignoring my values* and just having sex with multiple women to gain the experience. Should I consider this?


 No No No No and wait, not sure I said this clearly enough. NO.



> Just to clarify, I don’t want marriage now, but if I end up finding someone serious I would want to work towards that notion in the future.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> No please don't have casual sex. The right girl will respect you for your moral values. You don't gain the right sort of experience though one night stands, you gain it by having sex with the right person in a committed relationship/marriage where you can learn together.
> 
> You say that by 22 you 'should' have had lots of sexual experience, why? Just because most others have? Is that how you want to live, be like the herd? Have low moral values?


I agree with this. Clipped the part I didn't... Be your best you. The rest of your life won't follow if you don't do that. Nothing good happens by being a lemming.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Newage said:


> Wow so many great responses let me try and answer them:
> 
> - It is not for religious reasons, it’s my personal values


i get this. I am not the least bit religious. But my values are a significant part of ME. They are how I live my entire life, raise my children, look at myself in the mirror in the morning and am comfortable with what looks back at me.



> - I don’t mind if she is not a virgin, that doesn’t affect me but if she is I guess that’s better for us to gain experience together?


I started yoga yesterday. The teacher reminded us, in the yoga way, that each of us is where we are that day. And that is right, good and exactly where we need to be that day. The hyper focus on sexuality was brought up as food for thought by someone else. How does that resonate with you where you are today? There is no sexometer on which we are judged. Lack of experience is no failure.



> - No, I don’t have close female friends. That’s actually a great point that I don’t value women as a friend first and get to know them well
> 
> - I am open to sex before marriage, just with the right person
> 
> ...


My opinion on attraction is not shared on this board I don't think. You mention physical attraction. I think attraction is sometimes (not always) short hand for physical attraction. It is just a piece of the puzzle. One little piece. Over my life (which has been much longer than yours so I have some retrospect to look on) physical attraction changes as you get to know someone. Someone who was gorgeous to you can become nasty when you get to know they are a douce and beautiful when you see them inside, 




> Just for further clarification, I am not desperate for marriage. I am not fully matured or financially ready atm. My point is that if I end up meeting the potentially ‘right’ woman, my intention would be for a long term commitment.
> 
> Let me know if I need to clarify any of the responses.
> 
> ...


My advice sounds weird. But here it goes. Increase your joy in life, whatever that looks like. When you FEEL wonderful, you will waft that wonderful and someone who shares in whatever makes you joyful will see it.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Newage said:


> I have contemplated ignoring my values and just having sex with multiple women to gain the experience. Should I consider this?


Not quite sure why some posters seem to be _*so*_ obsessed with whether you've had sex or not or how much sex you've had, but it doesn't really seem to be that relevant to your current question. 

While you're young, it would seem most guys at your age would have had some sort of sexual experience by now. But that doesn't mean you should just randomly go out and start having sex with anyone who'll have you. You already said - and this is perfectly fine - that you need to feel a connection to the person you're being intimate with. So being encouraged to run around the countryside having sex with anyone with a heartbeat doesn't seem to be in line with who you are. 

You said after a few dates you dump these girls. Don't start having sex with them first and *then* dump them because that's nasty and disrespectful behavior and no one wants to feel used. You seem to have too much integrity and respect for others to do that anyway. Plus, as you're inexperienced, you seriously need to educate yourself on contraception and STDs. If I had a nickel for every young guy who became an insta-daddy because he was too selfish or foolish to use a condom, and/or he believed the girl when she said she had it covered and she was safe, I'd be rich. Be *responsible* when you have sex or don't have it.

Look. You're only 22. While I applaud you for being light years ahead of the usual self-absorbed Millennials who have* no clue* how to conduct their lives without a phone in their hands or a keyboard to type on, the fact remains that you're STILL young. You're not expected at this point in your life to be choosing your forever mate. It seems part of your problem is that you want to accelerate your life growth process - you're already working toward a clear career path and building a side business, and maybe you think that you HAVE to start the life-mate selection process *right now,* as well.

You *don't*.

Enjoy the journey, Newage. Stop trying to fast forward through all the good parts just to get to the end.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

The reason I asked the op about his sex life was quite simple.He says he has a few dates with these women who he meets and then something turns him off about them.A lot (certainly not all) young people these days expect to be having sex after a few dates and if the op is feeling under pressure over this it could explain why he is starting to find faults with his dates.
Advising him to join meetups etc is all very well but he doesn’t appear to have any problems meeting or chatting to women,it’s when things move further he pulls back.
To me the op sounds very unhappy and somewhat depressed.Telling him to continue what he is doing is not really helping his situation.
Certainly there may be a wonderful woman somewhere who shares his values and believes sex is for the marriage bed and if that’s what he wants then that’s fine.
But I don’t think it is what he wants at all.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Newage said:


> Hi everyone
> 
> Little bit about myself:
> - 22 years old
> ...




Yeah I was the same. Until about 16-17 then I met my wife. Once you meet the right person for you, it will fall into place and you won’t have these doubts.
Unless you prefer men. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that! )


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Newage said:


> - That’s a great idea I’ll start going out more in environments where I can do activities with people whom have similar interests.
> 
> - I guess society has this pressure that you should be ‘out there’ more and waiting for the right person isn’t something that I’ve personally seen anymore
> 
> ...



She didn't have that feeling. Doesn't mean there is one thing wrong with you or her. Chemistry is a weird thing. Glad you didn't invest too much time in that one. Plus, there are more women out there who you can find that feeling with. It's not just one. It isn't easy, though. Finding one who has the feeling you do and is honest about it, is a bit tougher. 

You made the right decision with "gelato". If a man says that to a woman, she gets put off pretty quickly, too. It's due to reality and she wasn't living in it at the time she was saying that you were perfect. Sometimes, that's an issue when we have this idea in our mind of who we want and believe it with our whole heart. That's not a good thing to do. We can have general ideas of what we want, but to try to shoe horn someone into that ideal woman or man in our mind is unfair and impossible.

Edit: Something else came up for me. Figured I'd post it for you to consider. I think it's not good to settle for someone who makes you feel good, only. If there isn't some feeling that you desire them, but only really enjoy being around them, it will end in a sexless relationship. You will enjoy being around them, but not be able to satisfy their sexual needs, nor your own. You may find that acceptable, but it may not be for them. I'm not suggesting you are or are going to do this. I'm just posting what came up for me as I thought about this as a general topic of discussion.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

There is no rule saying you should have lots of experience by 22. People still wait....yeah, they fo no matter what you hear.

You say these woman are surprised/disappointed when dates go well and you don't continue. Imagine how they'd feel if you had also used them to get the arbitrary requisite notches.

I'm just putting that out there to let you know it really IS fine to be more traditional.

Yeah....it is.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Not quite sure why some posters seem to be _*so*_ obsessed with whether you've had sex or not or how much sex you've had, but it doesn't really seem to be that relevant to your current question.
> 
> While you're young, it would seem most guys at your age would have had some sort of sexual experience by now. But that doesn't mean you should just randomly go out and start having sex with anyone who'll have you. You already said - and this is perfectly fine - that you need to feel a connection to the person you're being intimate with. So being encouraged to run around the countryside having sex with anyone with a heartbeat doesn't seem to be in line with who you are.
> 
> ...


Well said.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Newage said:


> I was on a date, we ending up laying on the beach having gelato that night and she kept repeating to me “you’re perfect, you’re just so perfect” Now I know that should be a good thing right? But in my head I’m like **** I’m far from it, she doesn’t even know me that well it’s not realistic. I think I’m too logical as a person
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It sounds like your red flag (or perhaps BS) meter was going off, and it is a good thing you listened to it. Her saying "you're perfect, you're just so perfect" on a first date sounds like she is a bit shallow, and in a hurry. It takes a while to really know someone.

If all your reasons for not dating women are like the one you gave, it just sounds like you have a healthy "picker", as we say on TAM.


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## Newage (Jan 4, 2019)

Couple of really interesting points. I think if you put them all together it might determine a possible solution for me:

1) I could be a little depressed 
2) I could be rushing my life’s milestones 
3) I am really picky 

Now, for 2019, I want to take a small step back with work and start living my live and adding to my experiences. I’m planning an overseas trip for mid year. 

Like a poster said, I’m still 22 years old and I don’t want to be 40, and look back regretting the early years I could of spent travelling and meeting new people.

On another note. Little more backstory. When I was 18/19, I was super skinny, didn’t feel good about myself and was ‘unnoticed’. It made me a little depressed about myself, and I would look around and get jealous at people who were able to pickup such gorgeous women.

Fast forward to present (22) As I’m in a much better place in all aspects of my life I’ve finally received much more attention from beautified girls. However, I see how shallow their reasoning is and it makes me upset. 

For example, same girl who called me ‘perfect’. I picked her up and the first thing she said to me was “Is this your car” I felt like I got slapped on the face. Is that all people care about? The image? Unfortunately my generation love attention. The whole point of Fb, Snapchat, Instagram etc is to showcase your ‘perfect’ lives, or the material **** you own. 

For me.. I want someone I can build a life with and share experiences as life’s too short to care about what other people are doing with it.

In saying that, patience is the key and I have to live my life and stop ‘searching’. That’s what I’ve determined from the responses I’ve been getting.

Thanks 


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Newage said:


> I have not had sex. My reasoning is I wanted to wait for the right one, though I have regretted this decision.
> 
> I do not find it distasteful, actually recently had a few opportunities to act but I always feel like I’ll regret wasting it on a one-night stand.
> 
> ...


Who told you you should have had plenty of sexual experience at 22? You can, yeah, but you don't have to!


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> There is no rule saying you should have lots of experience by 22. People still wait....yeah, they fo no matter what you hear.
> 
> You say these woman are surprised/disappointed when dates go well and you don't continue. Imagine how they'd feel if you had also used them to get the arbitrary requisite notches.
> 
> ...




Absolutely. What’s the male equivalent of the opposite of ****-shaming again? Stud-praising-shaming? Bachelorhood-complex?


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Newage said:


> For example, same girl who called me ‘perfect’. I picked her up and the first thing she said to me was “Is this your car” I felt like I got slapped on the face.



As long as she didn’t ask you that because she didn’t want to get into the wrong car...
Well. Women can sense you are ‘hard to crack’ and that will probably attract a lot of the good ones as well as the ‘wrong’ ones.
Like I said: once you meat the one that blows your mind. Well, your mind will be blown.
It’s good to be picky (up to a point) and turn sex down if you feel it’s not the right person (you are also doing HER a favour). I have had sex with only one woman (not for the lack of opportunities).


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## Newage (Jan 4, 2019)

I think it all comes down to what I’m looking for.

I feel like I want:
- naturally attractive (as in not dolled up)
- small (I’m not that tall)
- educated
- kind/caring hence I get drawn in to teachers and girls in the medical field
- old school (doesn’t care much for social media etc)

I believe this criteria would be standard if I was in the 1980s. But to find this in 2019 proves to be quite difficult and will take some time.

I just want to put it out there that I’m not perfect, I’m not the best looking, I have my own issues and I understand that they’ll always be someone better than me. 


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

Ever heard of reverse discrimination?


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## Newage (Jan 4, 2019)

Violet28 said:


> Ever heard of reverse discrimination?




Please elaborate 


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Newage said:


> Violet28 said:
> 
> 
> > Ever heard of reverse discrimination?
> ...


Discrimination is normally carried out against minority groups. In a dating situation it would be something like not dating a woman who was taller or a redhead or was too outgoing or practiced a different religion than you. Nothing wrong with that. 
What you are doing is discriminating against the majority of women who you are likely to meet. You are of course entitled to wait for whoever you want but you will miss out on a lot of fun while you search.
Do not look on every date as a possible prelude to marriage because the women you date probably don’t. Just try and have some fun. 
One other thing. Don’t date nurses lol.


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## Newage (Jan 4, 2019)

Ahhh that makes sense. That’s exactly what I’m doing..

Why not nurses?

I’ll try and be less picky it’s just a mental barrier for me I’ll have to get over 


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"- I guess society has this pressure that you should be ‘out there’ more and waiting for the right person isn’t something that I’ve personally seen anymore 
"

And you can see how well our "society" is doing these days -- there is little to no respect for anyone or anything, and especially for themselves. YOU seem to respect yourself enough to wait it out and go by your own views -- cudos!

Become friends FIRST -- don't rush anything. I was friends with my wife for a couple of years before we started dating (and I'm married just over 30 years).


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You are putting too much pressure on yourself, and by association your dates as well, to find your life partner. Lighten up. Enjoy people and situations for what they are. And no one is perfect, so lighten up there as well. You need to learn to be realistic. Realistic does NOT mean settling though, realistic opens up a whole new dimension of possibilities. 

And regarding your inexperience... don't go and have one night stands, it will not help you, because that is not how you are wired. However, when you do find someone you connect with and fall in love with, PLEASE do not wait until your wedding night! Sexual incompatibility is a HUGE obstacle to try and overcome in a marriage, I feel its very important that you make sure its right before you commit for life.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Newage said:


> Why not nurses?
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


 The medical field is rife with infidelity, and unfortunately for you, Teachers aren't far behind. 
Just learn the red flags by reading here and keep your eyes and more importantly brain open.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Rubix Cubed said:


> The medical field is rife with infidelity, and unfortunately for you, Teachers aren't far behind.
> Just learn the red flags by reading here and keep your eyes and more importantly brain open.


When it came to dating I had three rules which I never broke.
No tattoos.
No doctors.
No nurses.
The tattoo rule is just a personal thing.
The doctors and nurses rule came about because of experience.They are the most promiscuous group of people on earth and when you throw in the average surgeons god complex (Both sexes but especially female) you have a profession rife with infidelity.
Try asking a married nurse why she thought it was proper to give the (married) consultant cardiothoracic surgeon a blow job in the on call room.She won’t understand the question.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Newage said:


> I think it all comes down to what I’m looking for.
> 
> I feel like I want:
> - naturally attractive (as in not dolled up)
> ...


So, I have a relative--sweet old-fashioned girl, naturally beautiful (stunning), tall, caring, and she has been so busy getting her education that she has has little time to spend on socializing. Thinking there are more like her, they are just a bit more 'hidden' as they don't exactly stand out, but are generally more reserved, self-contained, even late-bloomers. You have lots of time in your journey of life...


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

Newage said:


> Hi everyone
> 
> Little bit about myself:
> - 22 years old
> ...


This reminds me of the storyline in the movie "Boomerang"


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## Newage (Jan 4, 2019)

happiness27 said:


> This reminds me of the storyline in the movie "Boomerang"




Ahhh yes Eddie Murphy good movie.

In all honesty, I might be just going through a phase. I’m a little off reality sometimes. I’m going to give dating a better shot and start experiencing sex to see if it’s something I do want causally and not from a committed relationship.

I won’t know till I try. 


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Newage said:


> Ahhh yes Eddie Murphy good movie.
> 
> In all honesty, I might be just going through a phase. I’m a little off reality sometimes. I’m going to give dating a better shot and start experiencing sex to see if it’s something I do want causally and not from a committed relationship.
> 
> ...


One thing, perhaps a small one, there is a big range of premarital sex that is not limited to one night stands, which is all that has been mentioned here.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

Newage said:


> Please elaborate
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It may be snobbery or a fear that you will not live up to their expectations, so you give them unrealistic expectations to live up to, when they fail to meet the very high bar you set for them, you're done. However, the real issue may be that you think once they get to know you, they will leave you.


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## Newage (Jan 4, 2019)

Violet28 said:


> It may be snobbery or a fear that you will not live up to their expectations, so you give them unrealistic expectations to live up to, when they fail to meet the very high bar you set for them, you're done. However, the real issue may be that you think once they get to know you, they will leave you.




This is spot on. I had to read it a few times but I think you worked me out.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Newage said:


> This is spot on. I had to read it a few times but I think you worked me out.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


One observation. Many people take something like this that can be construed as critical and rail against it. Instead you took it and examined it for what it was worth. I give you damned good odds for working out just fine. Not that my opinion is worth much.


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

Andy1001 said:


> Two things I would like to know.
> 
> 1.Is there any religious reasons for your abstinence.
> 
> ...




Andy, he doesn’t need to get laid to be a good husband to his future wife. That is misguided advice. Men and women don’t have to have experience to know how to or be “good at” having sex in their relationships. And in marriage, the aim is to please each other in every aspect, which in turn is reciprocated into mutual satisfaction and pleasure. So I’d strongly suggest that sex be taken out of the equation here. 

He is not “too young” but young men can be “too immature” for the decision to marry. That is up to the individual to work out with guidance from people who love and care about him. For now I would focus on FRIENDSHIP. A platonic relationship can easily become an intimate one when the time is right for both parties.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Weathered said:


> Andy1001 said:
> 
> 
> > Two things I would like to know.
> ...


It’s actually a pretty common story around here (and elsewhere) that people who were each other’s firsts (or one of very few) are just as likely to cheat and do despicable things to their spouse, even after promises to do them no harm for life. It seems that a certain amount of people just go bad, or the bad in them is somehow revealed or triggered at some point in life. It doesn’t seem to matter if the spouses were at one time so good to each other and completely devoted.


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

Faithful Wife said:


> It’s actually a pretty common story around here (and elsewhere) that people who were each other’s firsts (or one of very few) are just as likely to cheat and do despicable things to their spouse, even after promises to do them no harm for life. It seems that a certain amount of people just go bad, or the bad in them is somehow revealed or triggered at some point in life. It doesn’t seem to matter if the spouses were at one time so good to each other and completely devoted.




People have choices to “go bad” or remain faithful despite the “triggers” out there. Our OP was being forthright in his desire to find a lifelong mate, and even at his age the integrity to respect the women he is dating and not use them for sex has to be lauded rather than challenged. 

The norm in this era of sexual freedom and contraception may be to seek sexual gratification wherever and whenever you can find it, but that, like all aspects of popular culture, is a poor talisman for a moral society. The desire of each individual to remain faithful and loyal to their mate is the one trait that will maximise success in marriage, which is most likely in those who have chosen to stay chaste until he/she marries. We each may have sexual desires that our mates would never know we had prior to marriage, but when the desire is for the others’ happiness, it will make for both a pleasurable and meaningful sex life where neither party would even consider looking for selfish gratification elsewhere.


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

Just for a little light hearted fun on this topic: https://youtu.be/U5uMMsIYRKA


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## Randy2 (Jul 19, 2016)

Given your age and tech career, I'm assuming that you are using or are at least aware of "computer/internet dating". Back in your wishful 1970's- and for centuries before- people met by chance, by neighborhood, by proximity, by family. They knew very little about each other then slowly discovered each other and, in some ways, shaped each other. And decided to compromise on some personal flaws.

Nowadays people know A LOT about each other before they even meet. The centuries old progression from initial infatuation to long term commitment has been changed. In addition, I've likened internet dating in search of a permanent mate to an Executive Search WITHOUT a FIRM hire date. No matter how great somebody is on Friday night, you know there will be 2 to 9 more "matches" (aka resumes) in your inbox on Monday morning. 

In my case, I was not truly emotionally available on Friday night. That centuries old progression could not progress, given the interruption of more available mates on Monday, and the fantasy that there might be someone out there WITHOUT flaws.

You might consider valuing the person's flaws. I expect the minor details of "mismatch" are compromising the major aspects of long term compatibility. I'm glad I learned this lesson. After 10 years of matchdotcomish dating, I met a woman dancing and am now happily-enough married. If I had read her resume/details on a dating site, I probably would not have even agreed to meet her.


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