# Guilt eating me a live DH won't be hear Christmas for DD! Im dying inside!



## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Original plan was H was going 2 weeks to AZ with son to visit his mom and sister. Would have been this week and next. When approached with idea, I thought 'great idea you get to see family haven't see for while and I get some time to relax and breath for two weeks'. 

Well, then after consoling with his pastor, he was advised that was a bad idea, A) because he was flying into Vegas ($200 bucks cheaper both flight and car rental) with son gonna stay 2 days and check out sites with son (whose 28) pastor said that is a terrible place to go don't need to introduce son to things that go on there, and then B) since his mom is old school (japanese) she will remind him of the "I told you so" in relation to he did way to much for me and I didn't do enough for him. With those two things combined pastor said it was not a good idea due to his frame of mind in wanting to get things back to 'normal' with us in our marriage.

So now, because I said I thought the time apart would be a good thing, he is now making arrangements (via his pastor) to go stay a few days (including Christmas day) in a larger city about 65 miles away. His son is going to be with him, but not sure if will be actual Christmas day. He's making comments like, "Not sure what I'll do about Christmas dinner, nothing will be open". I told him it was never about being gone on Christmas Day!! Yes when originally planned the 2weeks it was with family. NOW, it's turned into this "you (meaning me) don't want me here, feel you need time away and so on." I explained it was never about actual Christmas! Because he was going to be with family and it was the timing of when he was going, it didn't bother me and I didn't feel guilty.

Now, he is none stop with the comments, and I want him to think for himself about our daughter not ME bring it to his selfish attention. So I'm at wits end this morning, while I'm running late for work getting ready he comes in and says to me, "I just want to make sure one last time that you are okay with me going out of town a few days over Christmas?" I finally broke and repeated it was never about Christmas, the focus was never that I didn't not want you here for Christmas. I'm concerned for our daughter. He starts crying and says, "I am too but I'm more concerned you never say 'us'. All I could say is "I'm sorry I"m not saying what you want to hear"

On Saturday we (3 of us) spent day going to Amish to a Christmas store. It was a nice time we all got along and enjoyed the day. Well, then when we come home, he is upset becuase he feels when he does those things we should be 'fixed'. That I should forget all the past things and move on. He says I'm the reason we are not moving forward because I keep going back to 'old' incidents that happend. I'm sorry, but the 'incidnet' as he puts it, that happend on our daughter's bday was the last straw for me! It was horrible and very fresh and vivid in my mind. So he is making me feel I'm the problem, issue. No, I'm not innocent. Not at all saying he's fully to blame for where I'm at in my emotions and feelings. He feels since our daughter has moved on, or forgotten about it, so should I. 

I do not see it that way. She may not speak of it or anything, but her fear is there! Example, she had a loose tooth that was hanging by thread. It hurt, she cried, and he was ready to go nuts. He didn't but I know the signs, I see and hear the underbreath rumblings. For 2 nights we went through the fear of me pulling it. She would cry and tell me she wanted it out then when I'd go to pull it she get scared and cry and cry. I felt so bad for her yet I told her it is going to hurt, but only for a minute and once it's out, it won't hurt anymore like now. Well, finally the 3rd nite, she came to me and ask me to pull it. I said to her, would you rather daddy pull it? She gets this look of fear on her face, big wide eyes and says no mommy no ...and cries. So, I do it and it comes out this time. She didn't cry until she seen me drop it. We rinsed her mouth out with cold water, two swishes and she's fine. He says to her, "Oh I see you let mommy pull it but not me" and laughs. 

I later tell him, as I always feel I owe explanations in everyting and feel I have to justify everything, and I mean every little thing. So I tell him, I did ask her if she wanted him to pull it and I told him she said no. He says, "ya, I know she doesn't want me to because I tease her too much. I know that." He says it like, 'Oh well. That's life." Really? It's also because he has no compassion unless it's majorly serious. He made snyde comment about her crying after she realized tooth was out by me dropping it. I repeat to him, she is 7. Things always hurt once you 'see' it! When I was about 12, I shut my thumb in car door. Litterally didn't know til walked away and hand didn't follow! Oh ya! Talk about pain once I seen it!! He wants her to be so much older than she is. And I don't like that. She already acts that way because of us and our friends. All friends are older like him. 

I guess that's part of my resentment. I still want to be young, enjoy things, people etc. He just wants us to be a 3 person family in our own world. He is content with that. I am not. I say that's our age difference now..as we have grown. He says I'm full of crap it has nothing to do with that. Well...maybe not, then, but I have grown and realize he's wanting things I don't now. 

This whole guilt thing of being gone Christmas is killing me. I guess because now I feel when or if people as why he left etc., especially knowing we have 7yr old, he's gonna blame me. I just can't take it. Mom says it's becuase I'm a very caring and giving person. I've always been that way always wanting people to like me etc. And she's right. Hence why I"m like I am I guess. Realized I've always done, said, etc what other's wanted or expected even if I didn't. The one thing I've done for me, although went about it completely wrong, was having my daughter. And I'd do it all over again. 

I know I"ve rambled and nothing make sense here. I'm just tired, emotionally drained. I'm starting to feel now if he did move away, I'd be better off emotionally to cope and live. I would hate for my daughter to not have her dad here 24/7 but living like this with the comments and constant crying and such, I can't take anymore. I'm so far away right now and he just simply does not get it. 

I hope mommy mode kicks in quick for daughter. I don't want to ruin a single Christmas for her. Not now, not ever. Not intentionally anyway.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

He is playing you ON PURPOSE. There is no reason for his choosing Christmas or all the stupid comments EXCEPT to guilt you. He is playing you like a fiddle, and you are making the music. She is scared of him. Let him go for Christmas. Help him pack his bag and make travel plans and have a nice Christmas without him. While he is gone, look up the domestic abuse hot line and get educated. 

The longer it takes you to come to the conclusion that your husband is abusing you and your daughter, the more damage done to her.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

*vthomeschoolmom*
I do understand. I have lost that edge and yes, need to find resources to get back. My mom just said to me today, you have too soft of heart. Always thought that was a good thing, till now.

Yes, I want to have a nice Christmas. Bags are actually packed, he's out tomorrow. No clue when coming back. I'm only guessing possibly Sunday. 

I will continue my research. I'm sorry to be a broken record. Never ever expected to feel like this. Always thought once wronged, not an issue to get out and do what's right. Wow...to be happy is major work all around. With his emotional state as well, I did just say to mom I'm now starting to feel like even if out I may not be happy because of his actions. Mom said he made comment to her while back that sticks in her mind...he said one thing he knows about self that he doesn't like.....is he is revengful. Hmmm....don't I know it and feel it! 

Deep breaths.....get in the mode and mind frame....trying and I appreciate your repetitiveness, even if you may be tired of seeing my cries here.  I wish you and your loved one, a wonderful holiday and new year. Thanks again.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Don't worry about being a broken record. Getting out of this is somewhat similar to quitting smoking. It often doesn't "take" until a couple of tries. 

I wish you and your daughter a peaceful and happy Christmas! Keep us posted.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Don't worry about being a broken record. Getting out of this is somewhat similar to quitting smoking. It often doesn't "take" until a couple of tries.
> 
> I wish you and your daughter a peaceful and happy Christmas! Keep us posted.


Thank you, sincerely!


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