# Wife texting two different men. Im desperatly in need of help!!!!



## desertheat (Mar 26, 2011)

Earlier this month i found out my wife of almost 2 years has been secretly texting two men; one married, the other is single. I knew something was up when her grooming habits changed and when she was telling me that she was texting two of her high school gf's that i KNEW she didn't like.

Now when i brought it to her attention that i knew something was going on she didn't respond. I told her that i wasn't comfortable with what she was doing or who she was talking to. She seemed to accept what i was saying and kept saying ok. The next morning however, she was gone. She text me saying she went for a drive to clear her head. She was gone for 3 hours.

I have already exposed everything i know to my parents, her parents, my friends, and her friends. But it still hasn't slowed her down. I know who the single guy is since he went to the same school as i did. I had to research the married guy. I know where he lives, what his home phone number is, and his wife's name. Im still unsure if i should bring this to her attention or not.

Last friday her parents got fed up with all this crap she is pulling and called us to go talk to them. During that talk she promised she would slow down the texting and stop texting the married guy. She said she loved me and wanted to be with me. That made me SO happy. I thought it was done. We get home. She says she wants to go for a walk but without me so she can call her girlfriend. I say ok and let her go. Keep in mind that its about 10pm at the time. I text the friend she was calling to let her know that my wife was going to tell her everything. But she never called the friend. She called the single guy. My wife told her friend to LIE TO ME and tell me that she called her even though I already knew. I couldn't tell her that i knew she didn't because i don't want to throw the friend under the bus so to speak.

Fast forward to today. I got a hold of her phone and read the first two texts she sent to the married man... you know the one she said she would stop texting? She is calling him babe and he is calling her babe and wants to meet somewhere today. She gets off work in a few hours and was planning on going to town. Thank GOD i read that. I called in sick to work to surprise her and go with. I don't know what to do anymore.....

And this is where it gets really [email protected]#$ED up. Right now we are living in a duplex. We were in the process of getting a house. She is still wanting a house together and more recently.... wants to have a baby. Im so confused. She knows ive been wanting to have a baby for quite some time now and i don't know if this is just a way for her to keep me hooked on her line and to not suspect anything that she is doing or what.

COULD SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!!!???!!! I love my wife to death. She is my everything.... She is my best friend. I want to forgive her but she doesn't think she is doing anything wrong. I would really appreciate all the input i can get, especially from AffairCare and Turnera. Ive been reading what you did for showtime. Please help me.

Thank you for any input and i will try to respond as soon as i can.

Edit: I also would like TanelornPete's input. You three seem to know whats what and i hope you can help.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Be patient, the people here will give you all the advice you need.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

What's to know? She doesn't have any respect for you or even her parents. Don't buy a house with her, don't have children with her.

I think she's pretty much shown her colors don't you?

Get control of the money and find a lawyer.


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## mariem1967 (Dec 1, 2010)

You have to sit down and talk with her. You need to know what is going on and to ask for explanation about texts you found. Tell her what bothers you and ask her if she can stop it. Sorry not to be optimistic but seems like she has some problems with reality. Wish i can hear her story too. Anyway, if she continue her behavior you should leave her cause one way love won't bring you to much happiness.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

No kids? Then you've got nothing to lose, except a lying, cheating wife. Call the OM's wife, let her know, and go talk some "sense" into the other guy. Then tell your W if she contacts them again, she will find her stuff on the lawn and the locks changed.


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## desertheat (Mar 26, 2011)

I finally told her today that what she is doing is having an emotional affair with these guys. If not more. She told me she didn't know what an emotional affair was and she doesn't think she is doing anything wrong. She says she is just texting friends and that she is not interested in them in that way. She keeps trying to act like there is nothing wrong and nothing is going on and every time i bring up this and the need for change she stops listening to me and becomes very childish.

We went out for the first time in a while on a date today. Her phone went off non stop. She was actually nice about it and ignored it for most of the day, or in front of me, but she had frequent bathroom trips. She always takes her phone into the bathroom. Then she usually stays in there for 20 minutes or so. Im not completely stupid. I can hear her buttons clicking while she texts. Im just tired of all the BS and would like the truth for once.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

PUT ON THE BRAKES

Do not do another thing. Take NO action man.. nothing. There is a whole process out there for healing but we need to address something first. 

Do not even CONSIDER a house and child right now. Put the brakes on that RIGHT THIS SECOND. If you do work everything out, the worst case is that you have more money for a house and a stronger relationship for the child. DO NOT proceed in that direction now.

I could spend 2 hours typing all the reasons, but I am going to put this clear as day for you. - Inform her that ALL plans are on hold until you sort this out. What she thinks about texting is irrelevant, it bugs you and needs to stop. I would not have sex with her either, just to make the point that you are serious. Dont let her laugh you off. Do not dismiss this, these are YOUR boundries and both YOU and HER need to respect them.

I can post all kinds of help advice here and everyone here can do the same, but do not make any moves until you have made it clear thatyour relationship is in crisis and that you need to attend tot he crisis before moving ahead. You have to stop the ship to patch the hole, buddy. STOP THE DAMN SHIP.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey desert---you need to go even beyond what 2time said------

You tell her point blank---the texting stops right now---or she can be free to text all she wants as a divorced single woman---as you tell her this give her a copy of the want ads, just in case she doesn't already have a job, as she will need to support herself in the big world out there!!!!

Also I think its time she did w/out a phone---if she must make any calls it can be on her landline

Make it very clear to her---she is a married woman---and her doing ANYTHING with other men, especially single men is inappropriate---it all stops now-----NC goes into effect immediately---NC letter to both OM---sent via E-Mail with you watching it being sent, and you knowing the contents of the NC message.

Also contact the MM's wife, and let her know what kind of a scumbag she has for a H.

You need to be hard, very hard about this---no backing down, no arguing, no discussions---be icy calm as you do it---and make sure you take away her cell phone---and then watch carefully to make sure she doesn't get a replacement----you are in a war for your mge---either fight that war, or walk away the choice is yours

I think you also need to find out what has gone on when she disappeared from you for hours---it very well may be she was out having sex, with one or both of her lovers


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Ultimatum time. She makes a firm and final choice between an honest, loyal life with you or being single and texting whomever whenever. I'd get a hotel room and bring the key home. I'd hand her the room key and her phone and tell her to choose. I'd put all discussions of house buying and baby making on hold for at least a year. If she chooses you, she makes two final calls in your presence on her phone. She tells both guys she won't be contacting them again or accepting their contacts. She agrees to go to counseling with you. She agrees to 100% transparency, shared passwords, etc. I'd make it crystal clear that there won't be another second chance. The next time you catch her in contact with either known men or in any inappropriate contact with any other man, she's out..immediately and permanently. She's made a commitment and you expect her to abide by it just as she expects you to abide by yours. You have no control over her level of commitment but you do have complete control over your own. Make it clear that you expect an exclusive, monogamous relationship and that is what you will have. If she's not content with something about you, y'all can work to fix that but turning to others is not an option.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

desertheat said:


> I finally told her today that what she is doing is having an emotional affair with these guys. If not more. She told me she didn't know what an emotional affair was and *she doesn't think she is doing anything wrong. *



This is a huge problem.

You need to set a firm boundary and get some self-respect. Either it ends with OM or you are gone. 

Call married man's wife and tell her what is going on. 

Your wife is cheating on you with not only one but two dudes.

Get tested for STDs.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

twotimeloser said:


> PUT ON THE BRAKES
> 
> Do not do another thing.
> 
> ...


^^^^^^^
Read above. 

please do not have kids with this women... that is just cruel.

thought to self...

If we had the pre-cog technology from the movie 'Minority Report'

would you be in jail right now for child endangerment ?

could the department of children and families confiscate your sperm and her egg now? 

HMmmmm... deep thoughts.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

Ah yes texting and most likely "sexting" - been there an seen that. It is only harmless fun. Texting however is the gateway drug to a more advanced EA and eventually a PA. 

What do you do? I will tell you. You draw a line in the sand - no more contact with these guys period! If she wants the marriage to work, these guys are gone from your lives. make it clear to her that this is serious. If she wants a divorce, she can keep these guys around. There needs to be harsh consequences for her actions and you better be able to follow through.

Secondly, you want complete transparency with her. All cellphones are open for inspection - I also would suggest canceling her Facebook account because I am sure there is crap in there you are not going to like. But if she insists on keeping it then get her password. All online instant messenger accounts as well. Trust has gone now the process of rebuilding begins. It is a long road and you best be patient. 

She has to want it and she needs to know that you are not a dishrag - she has to respect you. She is certainly not doing that now. Make her believe that your life together depends on her following through with this. 

Good luck.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

If you and your W are on the same cell phone plan, get online and look up the past 3-6 months phone bills, maybe even longer. I have AT&T so I looked up the bills online and saved them, since they are PDF format I opened them up and did a search for OM's numbers and got exact numbers of texts and minutes used. Get all of this proof!

If you can't get her cell phone records... Well... That shouldn't be an option, you should be able to some how. Demand them all if need be, demand access to her online account with the cell phone provider. If you want to be discrete about it, snag her phone while shes in the shower or something and on most sites you can put in the number and hit the forgot my password button and it will sent it to you via text message, get the new password and make sure to delete the text from the phone.

This information is needed because it shows you who she was texting/calling, when she was texting/calling them, and how long she was texting/calling them for. This info can be your best friend in this situation because it's not going to lie to you.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

the way i see it you gave her a choice already and she made her choice when she decided to continue to have contact with these guys. i would be gone already, but i guess im just very hardened to this type of thing from my own past experiences.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You have zero chance unless you pull a 180. Zero. 

IF you pull a 180 you might have a chance. 




mariem1967 said:


> You have to sit down and talk with her. You need to know what is going on and to ask for explanation about texts you found. Tell her what bothers you and ask her if she can stop it. Sorry not to be optimistic but seems like she has some problems with reality. Wish i can hear her story too. Anyway, if she continue her behavior you should leave her cause one way love won't bring you to much happiness.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

The 13th_Floor said:


> Be patient, the people here will give you all the advice you need.


Told ya


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

Any update? You definitely need to put your foot down. Don't try to overintellectualize it or rationalize it with her. She's doing dirt and she knows it.


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## desertheat (Mar 26, 2011)

nothing new to report. My job is going through an outage right now so most of my time has been working then go to sleep. wash rinse repeat. I thank you all for the input. Im going to put my foot down tonight. Im tired of being stressed about my personal life at work. I cant concentrate anymore. I shouldn't have to dread going home.
OH! one new thing. Last night before bed she asked if i was proud that she didn't text anyone the whole time i was home. I dont think i should give her any reward for doing what she shouldnt be doing in the first place so i said yeah i was glad and went to bed. Was i wrong?


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## Ronin (Mar 18, 2011)

Here is what is going to happen. She is going to lull you into a false sense of safety and security, while continuing to text these men until it progresses into a full blown affair. See unlike most of the people on this site, I make no distinction between EA/PA whatever. Once she involves another man in the relationship in anyway, SHE IS DONE. Do not have a child with her, DO NOT DO A 180, DO NOT BUY A HOUSE. JUST DITCH HER. You have NOTHING to lose. Get rid of her while there arent much assets and the marriage is new. IT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME, and it will never be what it was. She will lie and hide continually and you will find yourself locked in with a disgustingly disrespectful woman for years to come. Cut your losses now. Print out this msg and put it into a place for safe keeping, and look at it once a month and ask yourself if staying with her was the right decision. When woman have consequences to this ridiculous behavior, they will stop doing it. All youre doing is enabling her to be flirty with other men and eventually she will begin having sex with them if she hasnt already. You have been WARNED in no uncertain terms. Either grow some balls, or be a cuckold for her and the other men shes going to start having sex with. IT WILL HAPPEN. 

When women show they have the capacity to bring other men into the relationship IN ANY WAY, and then wont even have the decency to cut it off after you have told them how it makes you feel, then you need to drop her abruptly. If its just friends, its not a big deal, i didnt think it meant that much etc.... then why not stop it? Her personality is flawed and she is only fit to be a wife to a beta male. If you want to be the beta she uses as a wallet while having sex with other men. Stay with her. Otherwise drop her now, and go find a woman with some maturity and respect. DO NOT ALLOW WOMEN TO STAY IN YOUR LIFE ONCE THEY HAVE HAD AN AFFAIR. She has shown herself to be flawed, and you have no ties to her this early in the marriage. GET OUT OR HAVE YOUR LIFE RUINED. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

Ronin said:


> Here is what is going to happen. She is going to lull you into a false sense of safety and security, while continuing to text these men until it progresses into a full blown affair. See unlike most of the people on this site, I make no distinction between EA/PA whatever. Once she involves another man in the relationship in anyway, SHE IS DONE. Do not have a child with her, DO NOT DO A 180, DO NOT BUY A HOUSE. JUST DITCH HER. You have NOTHING to lose. Get rid of her while there arent much assets and the marriage is new. IT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME, and it will never be what it was. She will lie and hide continually and you will find yourself locked in with a disgustingly disrespectful woman for years to come. Cut your losses now. Print out this msg and put it into a place for safe keeping, and look at it once a month and ask yourself if staying with her was the right decision. When woman have consequences to this ridiculous behavior, they will stop doing it. All youre doing is enabling her to be flirty with other men and eventually she will begin having sex with them if she hasnt already. You have been WARNED in no uncertain terms. Either grow some balls, or be a cuckold for her and the other men shes going to start having sex with. IT WILL HAPPEN.
> 
> When women show they have the capacity to bring other men into the relationship IN ANY WAY, and then wont even have the decency to cut it off after you have told them how it makes you feel, then you need to drop her abruptly. If its just friends, its not a big deal, i didnt think it meant that much etc.... then why not stop it? Her personality is flawed and she is only fit to be a wife to a beta male. If you want to be the beta she uses as a wallet while having sex with other men. Stay with her. Otherwise drop her now, and go find a woman with some maturity and respect. DO NOT ALLOW WOMEN TO STAY IN YOUR LIFE ONCE THEY HAVE HAD AN AFFAIR. She has shown herself to be flawed, and you have no ties to her this early in the marriage. GET OUT OR HAVE YOUR LIFE RUINED. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.


There is a good portion of what you say that certainly rings true for me. As I get older, I am lean more and more to the opinion you state.


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