# Disprate for answers!



## Lc1975

Hi! my first time in any type of forum. So I'm kind of nervous about this. Well... im going to try to make a long story short. My husband and I have been together for 17 years, married 15 years. We separated for almost 2 in a half years because of so many problems. But for the past year we started to work out in out marriage and moved back in together in February. Well in April his past caught up to him. When we started to work on a marriage I asked him if he was with anyone else. because even tho we were separated.. we would still see each other once in a while. anyways... he said no! Two months after we moved in together I found out that he was seeing one of my friends, husband long distant cousin. And after they had their thing 2 in a half years ago she now has came forward. And im am crushed!! I had so many hopes to start a new life with my husband! even tho it happened a long time ago .. its new to me. Prior to out separation loyalty was never an issue with him. so I am taking this very hard. now I feel like im stuck. I am very angry and hurt. I don't understand what this woman motive is. why did she wait 2 in a half years to say something? and im so angry with him for not telling me this from the beginning that we started to work on our marriage. and because she is so ugly and related to my friends husband. he was really that dumb to think that eventually it would not come out. it took a while.. but the truth is out. we are going to marriage counselling. but I don't feel like that is enough because im so angry and do not know if I should even stick this out! any advised is highly appreciated.


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## MattMatt

Hi, @Lc1975 am so sorry you had to look for us, but I'm glad you found us.

I think that marital counselling might be of benefit. Also, do you have a pastor, priest, church elder, etc., who might be able to provide some help? Many of them re train in relationship counselling, as well.

What is your husband saying about her and what they did?


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## TJW

Lc1975 said:


> I don't understand what this woman motive is. why did she wait 2 in a half years to say something?


One possibility is that she waited because her deeds were evil, and she was (quite rightly) ashamed of them.

Another possibility is that the "timing is right". People "confess" sometimes out of a desire to use it as a weapon.



Lc1975 said:


> I don't feel like that is enough because im so angry and do not know if I should even stick this out!


I don't know how to advise you on that. But, I can tell you, from the perspective of one who tried to "stick it out", go to counseling, pastoral sessions, self-help books, etc..... that I will never do it again.

One strike, you're out, and from the millisecond I discover the affair, there will be no counselors, pastors, self-help books, retreats, any kind of self-recrimination, and I will have absolutely no desperation to "know answers".....because I don't give a sailor's damn what they are..... Stick a fork in me, I'm done.....now....and forever....


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## Lc1975

MattMatt said:


> Hi, @Lc1975 am so sorry you had to look for us, but I'm glad you found us.
> 
> I think that marital counselling might be of benefit. Also, do you have a pastor, priest, church elder, etc., who might be able to provide some help? Many of them re train in relationship counselling, as well.
> 
> What is your husband saying about her and what they did?




He said that he was lonely because I kept pushing him away. that at that time I didn't want anything to do with him. that they only hanged out a few times and she didn't mean anything to her. that when she wanted a relationship with her he rejected her and blocked her from his fb. but here's the problem. those few months that they where "hanging out" she lone him $4000 to get debt collectors off him. so months after that we decided to work on out marriage and moved in together. he never told me about this. then this female took him to court for the money and mind you. two years have already gone by. he never told me he went to court either. so a couple of weeks after they appeared in court and came into an agreement. she decided to go tell my friend everything. I feel so betrayed by my husband as well my friend. because a few weeks prior the female that had was with my husband approached my friend with the court document's and my friend never told me. until that female told her about the relationship she had with my husband.


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## sunsetmist

He lies--not trustworthy. $4000. indicates a pretty tight relationship with her. Sound like he was doing both of you at the same time during separation. Get tested for STDs. 

Loan means repayment and he didn't. Instead he blocked her after he got what he wanted to nourish his loneliness. She was trying to pay him back for his going back to you.

What are some of the good things that make you want him back? Are there children? Did you survive ok during your separation?


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## Casual Observer

Lc1975 said:


> He said that he was lonely because I kept pushing him away. that at that time I didn't want anything to do with him. that they only hanged out a few times and she didn't mean anything to her. that when she wanted a relationship with her he rejected her and blocked her from his fb. but here's the problem. those few months that they where "hanging out" she lone him $4000 to get debt collectors off him. so months after that we decided to work on out marriage and moved in together. he never told me about this. then this female took him to court for the money and mind you. two years have already gone by. he never told me he went to court either. so a couple of weeks after they appeared in court and came into an agreement. she decided to go tell my friend everything. I feel so betrayed by my husband as well my friend. because a few weeks prior the female that had was with my husband approached my friend with the court document's and my friend never told me. until that female told her about the relationship she had with my husband.


This sounds like it could have been more about money than sex.


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## MattMatt

@Lc1975 There's a lot you don't know. See if you can learn more about what happened.


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## Lc1975

The female did not answer his call they day i found out. he called her in front of me and texted her that why is she doing this? even sent her a text. i messaged her and text her. she don't have the courage to tell me. so im only hearing one side of the story. which frustrates me. because i don't trust or believe anything my husband any more. after 17 years another female was never out issue. we had a lot of problems and that is why we separated. but a female was not the issue. that is why im taking this so hard.


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## Lc1975

sunsetmist said:


> He lies--not trustworthy. $4000. indicates a pretty tight relationship with her. Sound like he was doing both of you at the same time during separation. Get tested for STDs.
> 
> Loan means repayment and he didn't. Instead he blocked her after he got what he wanted to nourish his loneliness. She was trying to pay him back for his going back to you.
> 
> What are some of the good things that make you want him back? Are there children? Did you survive ok during your separation?





that is what i feel but he denies it. and i get she wanted to get back at him. but why did she wait over 2 years to do so? after he rejected her she moved on. till this day is has the same boyfriend. 

well before this i thought he was an honest man, funny, and used to think he was loyal. no i feel like i don't know him anymore. i have three kids from a previous relationship but i have none with him. kids are all adults and out of the home. just recently became grandparents. together we have no kids.

and yes i was ok while i was separated. just after a year of separation i realized that i cant meet any guy that i clicked with like i did with him


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## Tilted 1

Again, revenge takes its toll if she has suffered so should everyone else its , been said "A woman scorned" will - fill in the blank ( ).


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## She'sStillGotIt

Lc1975 said:


> we are going to marriage counselling. but I don't feel like that is enough because im so angry and do not know if I should even stick this out! any advised is highly appreciated.


Sometimes people are so entangled in the dysfunction that they can no longer look at their situation objectively. But we can.  

What's a marriage counselor going to do - convince you that 2.5 yearsof* PURE LIES* to your face should be forgiven so you can supposedly "move forward" with a liar?

I wouldn't pay a marriage counselor 10 cents for that crap advice.

I can't believe your husband needed to borrow $4000 and hit up the woman he was having sex for it. That's really pitiful. Is he really that much of an under-achiever at _this_ stage of his life that he needs to take money from women to pay off his debts? And worse, is he that much of a *deadbeat* that not only does he need others to bail him out of financially situations, but he turns around and *thanks* the person who bailed him out by blowing them off and ducking out of repaying his debt? Come on, that is despicable *LOSER* behavior and shows you EXACTLY what he's made of.

Why are you working so hard to cling to this lying, opportunistic deadbeat? He's nothing more than a pathetic, petty thief with NO integrity or honor at all.

NONE.

And since the deadbeat needs to rely on *others* to pay his bills for him - yet thinks he's so special that he shouldn't have to pay them back - I'm going to assume it's YOU who's *wasting your money* on the marriage counselor? I wouldn't invest one thin dime in this loser. Not one thin dime.

You asked for opinions and that's mine. 

My only advice to you is this - next time, aim *HIGHER*. Much, much higher. This guy is a loser.


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## MattMatt

Her motives? Revenge, spite, malice, probably.


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## She'sStillGotIt

MattMatt said:


> Her motives? Revenge, spite, malice, probably.


While I agree with you that her motives were purely for revenge, he *earned* every single rotten thing that the universe throws his way going forward. And at the end of the day, her motives are really immaterial.

She gave the OP the *gift of sight* where this man is concerned. Now the OP knows exactly how much of a loser this man really is and will hopefully disassociate herself from him. In the future, she can set her sights higher on a guy who actually has integrity, dignity and honor. This current guy lacks all *THREE* of those traits.


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## MattMatt

She'sStillGotIt said:


> While I agree with you that her motives were purely for revenge, he *earned* every single rotten thing that the universe throws his way going forward. And at the end of the day, her motives are really immaterial.
> 
> She gave the OP the *gift of sight* where this man is concerned. Now the OP knows exactly how much of a loser this man really is and will hopefully disassociate herself from him. In the future, she can set her sights higher on a guy who actually has integrity, dignity and honor. This current guy lacks all *THREE* of those traits.


:iagree:


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## SunCMars

I will take a different tact...

You called the woman ugly. Does this mean a woman who is not a 'blessed-by-all beauty' has no worth? 
Beauty is on the outside and the inside.

She wanted your man.

You wanted him out of your life, you separated. He found a woman who would give him comfort and money to ease his burdens. 
Two years is a long time for a man to not have a woman to make love to/with.

Yes, she likely came forward and put herself in his path.

She wanted him, as is.
You did not.

Since he was still married, his actions were not proper with respect to her. I get that.
I also get that he should have confessed his relationship with her during your separation.

He did not.

Get angry with him over the lying, not for lying in bed with this woman. 

You gave him the boot. 
The other woman gave him her booty.
And, I guarantee 'it' was not ugly.

He sounds conflict avoidant. He does not want to fight or argue, so he keeps silent over 'matters'.
Did you have any relations with another man during the separation?

Poop happens, reconcile or not. 
Stop arguing and just make up your mind.

Is this marriage worth saving or not?

If so, move on it.
If not, move on.


KB-


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## Lc1975

SunCMars said:


> I will take a different tact...
> 
> You called the woman ugly. Does this mean a woman who is not a 'blessed-by-all beauty' has no worth?
> Beauty is on the outside and the inside.
> 
> She wanted your man.u
> 
> You wanted him out of your life, you separated. He found a woman who would give him comfort and money to ease his burdens.
> Two years is a long time for a man to not have a woman to make love to/with.
> 
> Yes, she likely came forward and put herself in his path.
> 
> She wanted him, as is.
> You did not.
> 
> Since he was still married, his actions were not proper with respect to her. I get that.
> I also get that he should have confessed his relationship with her during your separation.
> 
> He did not.
> 
> Get angry with him over the lying, not for lying in bed with this woman.
> 
> You gave him the boot.
> The other woman gave him her booty.
> And, I guarantee 'it' was not ugly.
> 
> He sounds conflict avoidant. He does not want to fight or argue, so he keeps silent over 'matters'.
> Did you have any relations with another man during the separation?
> 
> Poop happens, reconcile or not.
> Stop arguing and just make up your mind.
> 
> Is this marriage worth saving or not?
> 
> If so, move on it.
> If not, move on.
> 
> 
> KB-




He wasn't with her for two years. The dated her for a few months. But while he was with her he kept trying to get me back and we did sleep together off and on. And once she wanted something serious with him he rejected her. Few months later we started working on our marriage. My hurt is that his past has affected our future. I had hoped to start over with this man. We just became first time grandparents. Things were going good. Two months after we moved in.. I found this out. And it affects me because there is. A financial debt involved. According to him... And I did look through his phone he attempted to pay her back shortly after she loan him the money. But she ignored his texts and calls. And after 2 years she took him to court and told my friend everything. I would of rather have heard it from him when we first started working on our marriage. I had the right to decide if I wanted to continue with the marriage or not.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Lc1975 said:


> And I did look through his phone he attempted to pay her back shortly after she loan him the money. But she ignored his texts and calls. And after 2 years she took him to court and told my friend everything.


Riiiiiight. Someone who put out $4000 has NO DESIRE whatsoever to get her money back and didn't care one bit that he "wanted to pay her back." So she *'ignored'* his _honest_ attempts to pay her back.  *That's *his lame-ass story that he's stickin' to?

I know you need to believe his lies because you want to stay with him, but the chances that this ridiculous story is actually true are just about nil. Unless this woman is wealthy and has money to burn, then she WANTED her money back. And just because Romeo kept HIS texts making empty promises to pay her back doesn't mean that she wasn't replying to him back then and he just deleted her replies to make it appear to YOU that she was "ignoring" him.

That's what this phony DOES. He's ALL about *manipulating the truth* and making himself look like an innocent victim.

We're all adults here, OP. You know darned well that the deadbeat *could *have paid her back any time over the last 2+ years if he REALLY intended to pay her back. This isn't rocket science. In all that time, did he _*ever*_ show up on her porch, $4,000 in hand, ready to pay her back and thank her for saving his sorry ass from financial ruin? I'm willing to bet my house AND my car that the answer is *NO*. You're doing yourself no favors believing his bull**** story that he tried soooooo hard to pay her back but she ignored him! Does he have weekly texts over the last two years proving that every single week he tried to pay her back? He had over two years to make it right and he didn't. How do you even begin to find a way to respect a man who has no problem stealing $4000 from a woman because he can't even support himself properly? That alone would send me to my divorce lawyer in the morning. 

He's a liar, a cheater, a thief, and an opportunist, and he's been serving you up a gigantic **** SANDWICH for _years_ now, and sadly, you're still happy to belly up to the bar and continue feasting on it instead of OBJECTIVELY looking at the situation. 

Therefore, I'll just say good luck and I hope one day you're finally able to see this guy for *who he really is *and not the delusional, rose-colored glasses version of him that you need so badly to _believe _he is.


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## personofinterest

Didn't you say in your initial post that the two of you promised NOT to see others while separated?


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## Lc1975

No I didn't say that.. I said while we were separated we would still see is other once in a while.


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## Lc1975

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Lc1975 said:
> 
> 
> 
> And I did look through his phone he attempted to pay her back shortly after she loan him the money. But she ignored his texts and calls. And after 2 years she took him to court and told my friend everything.
> 
> 
> 
> Riiiiiight. Someone who put out $4000 has NO DESIRE whatsoever to get her money back and didn't care one bit that he "wanted to pay her back." So she *'ignored'* his _honest_ attempts to pay her back. <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Roll Eyes (Sarcastic)" ></a><a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Roll Eyes (Sarcastic)" ></a><a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Roll Eyes (Sarcastic)" ></a><a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Roll Eyes (Sarcastic)" ></a> *That's *his lame-ass story that he's stickin' to?
> 
> I know you need to believe his lies because you want to stay with him, but the chances that this ridiculous story is actually true are just about nil. Unless this woman is wealthy and has money to burn, then she WANTED her money back. And just because Romeo kept HIS texts making empty promises to pay her back doesn't mean that she wasn't replying to him back then and he just deleted her replies to make it appear to YOU that she was "ignoring" him.
> 
> That's what this phony DOES. He's ALL about *manipulating the truth* and making himself look like an innocent victim.
> 
> We're all adults here, OP. You know darned well that the deadbeat *could *have paid her back any time over the last 2+ years if he REALLY intended to pay her back. This isn't rocket science. In all that time, did he _*ever*_ show up on her porch, $4,000 in hand, ready to pay her back and thank her for saving his sorry ass from financial ruin? I'm willing to bet my house AND my car that the answer is *NO*. You're doing yourself no favors believing his bull**** story that he tried soooooo hard to pay her back but she ignored him! Does he have weekly texts over the last two years proving that every single week he tried to pay her back? He had over two years to make it right and he didn't. How do you even begin to find a way to respect a man who has no problem stealing $4000 from a woman because he can't even support himself properly? That alone would send me to my divorce lawyer in the morning.
> 
> He's a liar, a cheater, a thief, and an opportunist, and he's been serving you up a gigantic **** SANDWICH for _years_ now, and sadly, you're still happy to belly up to the bar and continue feasting on it instead of OBJECTIVELY looking at the situation. <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/frown.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Frown" ></a>
> 
> Therefore, I'll just say good luck and I hope one day you're finally able to see this guy for *who he really is *and not the delusional, rose-colored glasses version of him that you need so badly to _believe _he is.
Click to expand...



Yeah. She's has money. Shes a member from a local popular casino so she gets per cap. But anyways... You seem more angry then I am. But thank you for your opinion anyways ..


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## She'sStillGotIt

Lc1975 said:


> Yeah. She's has money. Shes a member from a local popular casino so she gets per cap. But anyways... You seem more angry then I am. But thank you for your opinion anyways ..


I'm not angry..just *frustrated* that you're so desperate to stay with this liar that you're willing to continually delude yourself even when you KNOW deep down that everything I said about him lacking character and lacking integrity is correct. 

I see women doing this all the time and it's frustrating as hell. Women who continually sell off little pieces of their souls just to desperately cling to losers who have done nothing but lie to them, disrespect them, and take advantage of them and others. And they're willing to close their eyes and lie to themselves and tell themselves whatever they need to believe in order to continue clinging to him.

Lastly, even if that woman DOES have money to burn, how does that *justify* your husband's crap behavior in ripping her off? And you can self-delude all you want, but the ugly truth is that he took the money and ran because she wouldn't have been able to take him to court had he done the right and honorable thing and paid her back the money she loaned him. That's just a *fact *no matter HOW you try to sugarcoat it or pretend it doesn't matter.

I calls them as I sees them. No delusion here.


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