# D-day yesterday - wreck today - is this normal?



## SecretTears (Jul 18, 2010)

D-day for me was yesterday. I have so many emotions going through me right now and I don't know what to do!

The short version of my story: I have been with my OH for over 10 years (living together but not married). I have been suspecting that he was seeing someone else for the past year and I knew who it was, I just had trouble getting my proof. Well yesterday the day came when he left his email account open and I was able to open an email exchange he had with the OW. It was pretty graphic (). I saved it for myself and then printed it out so that I had evidence to confront him yesterday evening. I knew from the beginning that I would try Plan A/Plan B. Plan A went very well, I was surprised at how calm and collected I was, how reasonable I sounded. My OH apologized, said he would stop seeing her. I gave him until June 1 or I move out. I felt good afterwards. 

Fast forward to today. I am a wreck. I can't sleep, I am not hungry and most importantly I cannot focus at work. I read and re-read the printout constantly to the point that I know it by heart. Every time I do this I feel like I get punched in the stomach. I feel like I am stupid for giving him another chance. I am really angry but I can't seem to cry. I looked up the OW on facebook (she has an open profile) and now I am obsessed about how pretty she is. At the same time, I can hardly resist the urge to message her to tell her what I really think of her (she knew I was with my OH). What can I do to stop obsessing about all this? 

My next appointment with my IC is next week, but I don't know how I can make it until then. How do I cope in the short term? Please help!


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

It is completely normal. I would suggest you put the emails away. They are already burned in your brain and you are processing that information. 

I went eleven days with no more than 2 hours sleep a night. If you are beginning to lose it, which is also normal, go and see your Doctor. They will see that you are in severe mental trauma and treat you accordingly. Do whatever it takes to get some sleep.

You are under massive stress.

Your body is building up highly toxic byproducts of adrenalin and you need to get rid of them. If you have an exercise you like go and do it. I walked until I was exhausted which also helps with the sleep. 

Food
You MUST eat good food. You are probably in no fit state to cook it. Fish has Omega 3 and you need this. I ate sushi for three weeks..

There is nothing you can do to stop obsessing. Let it happen. 

Don't DO anything right now. 
You are in a sever mental trauma and you will do dumb things

Almost everyone here knows how you are feeling. It is hell. It will get better over time but You MUST look after yourself in this first violent and deeply traumatic first few weeks.

My heart goes out to you. 

I am just suggesting immediate first aid for you. Later, people wiser and more experienced will offer you other advise, but D-day for me was 2 months ago. So it is fresh in my mind. 
One step in front of the other..

Doctor to get sleep 
Exercise to remove toxins
Fresh food to power all this. Do NOT eat rubbish.
If you can take a few days off. Do so. Get a certificate from your Doctor.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

ing said:


> It is completely normal. I would suggest you put the emails away. They are already burned in your brain and you are processing that information.
> 
> I went eleven days with no more than 2 hours sleep a night. If you are beginning to lose it, which is also normal, go and see your Doctor. They will see that you are in severe mental trauma and treat you accordingly. Do whatever it takes to get some sleep.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:

Sorry you found out. To be honest you will be a wrek a lot and for a while. After the initial "shock" you will have on and off days.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I think you gave him too many days.

Sorry for your situation. But gotta say, not married is not married. Cheating is the same, but the level of commitment is different. Certainly, don't consider him someone to marry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## d1221 (Mar 13, 2011)

Hello Secret Tears. I am sorry you are going through this. I experienced same symptoms. I was just eating a couple of crackers and vitamin water to put something on my stomach at times. It takes time its a lot to process so do your best when you can to take care of yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I am inclined to agree with RWB, if your boyfriend can do this to you before you even have a commitment, it wasn't a ONS it was a relationship that lasted a year.........
He obviously is not that into to you if he can see someone else. 
I think you should just say to yourself I made a mistake trusting this man and move on and find someone you won't have to worry about, someone willing to commit to a marriage.......
I know it's hard right now.........I found it really helped if I used exercise as an outlet to relieve the stress I was feeling.......
Think about it, are you going to spend the rest of your days wondering if he will do this again.........you have to respect yourself.........there are no kids, you are married to this man.......
can you imagine marrying him, having children and then going through this............
He isn't that committed to you.............
he can say he is sorry all he wants......
I would just leave and start over.
jessi


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> I think you gave him too many days.


Agreed. Why June 1st? You should have told him end it now or I am gone.



RWB said:


> you are not married, you have no legal binding "contract". I know you feel betrayed, abused by your "boyfriend". But the reality is you have no, none, nada, legal, binding, contract. That is really what marriage is in the light of an affair.
> 
> Run, Run Fast, Leave him like a bad habit. You do not have to "work" on it. You don't have to figure it out. You don't have to...
> 
> Just leave.


Agreed.

A year-long affair isn't the same as a ONS or even 2-3 months. That is a LONG time. You suspected and were right. I'd get out.


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## tnJackal (Apr 18, 2011)

Sorry about what happened SecretTears. I know how you feel. It's been a little less than two months since I found videos and pictures of my wife cheating on me.

I went through the same thing. No sleeping, eating, or concentration. I nearly drank myself to death in the first two weeks. I would have these breakdowns where the pain would overcome me. It seemed to happen in waves. I just kept telling myself that it would eventually pass, and it would.

I now have the drinking under control, and even though I still have these bouts occasionally where it's just too painful, I now know how to deal with those situations. I just tell myself that I've already been through this and try to find other thoughts to distract myself with. Also, I know when I posted my story on this very forum, it was therapeutic. It was good to talk to others who could relate. Members here let me know that I wasn't alone, and that I could come back as often as I liked to talk through my problems. You can too!

It's going to be rough for the first couple weeks, but as long as you try to keep your head up, you will be fine. Remember, this isn't your fault. This is his problem, and you deserve to be treated better whether you take him back or leave him. In either case, be strong and take a no-nonsense stand in the relationship.

As for the obsessing (and oh yeah, I obsessed big time), if he's forthcoming with the details, ask him. It helped me to know, even things I really didn't and don't want to know. Once I knew, I could put the matter to rest. If he's not, just try your best to move on. Find another issue to occupy your time with. Whether he tells you details or not, it's important to put the matter to rest. You can't let it overtake your life.

Maybe this can help you in the short term. For long term, there others here that can help you. I'm still learning myself.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Firstly, I/we feel your pain... literally... it's PAIN. 

You know the saying "one day at a time"... I'm on Day 18, and I'm going one HOUR at a time. Sounds trite, but it's true. Every hour I tell myself I'm going to either allow myself to fret, or I'm not. Then I do it again for the next hour, and so on... knowing you DO have to give yourself time to let it run in your head, because too often you really can't stop it.

One thing to know, a small ray of hope: I *can* promise you it gets a tad easier every day that goes by... time simply helps. The facts don't go away, there's no 'erase' button, but how you handle it minute-to-minute, hour-to-hour, will get a little easier. With that in mind, make no ultimate or rash decisions until you can basically collect yourself and game plan as you deal with your emotions. You can always decide to stay or to leave "tomorrow"... which fwiw, given where you are in the relationship (not yet fomally/legally committed in marriage), there's no way I'd even consider staying. But you have to do what is right for you.... let time help you to think.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

I resorted to my heavy bag, gatorade, don't toe kick anything 6 months and my toe still hurts. 

So sorry you are at this point of life. Know that there is much support and guidance here. Wise knowledgeable individuals. seek confidence in a friend, the church a family member. Don't go it alone. 
You will get through this.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

This place is a good place to vent, it is hard, very hard, I will be thinking of you.


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## joan888 (May 11, 2011)

ing said:


> It is completely normal. I would suggest you put the emails away. They are already burned in your brain and you are processing that information.
> 
> I went eleven days with no more than 2 hours sleep a night. If you are beginning to lose it, which is also normal, go and see your Doctor. They will see that you are in severe mental trauma and treat you accordingly. Do whatever it takes to get some sleep.
> 
> ...


This a very insightful post ing.

I am finding that repeating positive affirmations in my head (in the present tense) is invaluable in stopping me from feeling overwhelmned and out of control. Music therapy (up beat) also helps me get through. Another thought is to look into using herbal rather than presciption drugs to see u through.


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

my best advice is to try not be alone...that is when I am the worst... work late, go to the bookstore instead of going home, try to sleep instead of obsessing. I can't say I have always been successful in attempting these strategies, but ...


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

ING's post really nailed it. The only thing I would add is stay busy. It's when you are sitting still and have time to think that the thoughts, images and feelings crash down. 

I also agree w/the other posters who said that you have no binding contract with this person and now might be the time to leave. If my wife and I weren't married and didn't have kids, I don't think I would have stayed. But having that long term (20+ yrs) and kids convinced me to try to work it out.

I am on week 2 of knowing and it is slowly getting better. For my wife and I we are working towards a day when we can just be together without the ghost of that relationship haunting us. I don't know when that will be but I assume it's a ways off.

As for sleeping and eating, you gotta do it. I still haven't made it through the night w/out taking a tylenol pm first, but it is getting better.


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## SecretTears (Jul 18, 2010)

Thank you all! Reading your posts is very comforting and reassuring. Thank you especially ING. Yours was the first post I read after my meltdown the day after D-Day and it was very helpful. I am still sore from working out and I spent most of the weekend with friends, it helped a lot. I find work is the worst though because I can't just sit there and think, I need to focus, get things done, it's almost impossible. I am literally taking it hour by hour and it seems to be working. 

I don't know why I gave him 2 weeks, he's had over 10 years to figure this out. Unfortunately we live in a jurisdiction where common law relationships are recognized, we have been referring to each other as H and W and file joint taxes etc... From what I have been reading on the internet, it looks like we have to get a "real" divorce. Having known that I would have insisted on the ring, ceremony, marriage etc... (well maybe actually knowing what I know now about him I would have dumped him a long time ago!!!)

Today was another bad day. My emotion today is anger and I am totally exhausted. Gone from almost no sleep to these past couple of days wanting to sleep all the time. 

thank you once again everyone for sharing your stories, emotions and experiences. You have no idea how much strength I get from reading all the posts above.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

SecretTears said:


> You have no idea how much strength I get from reading all the posts above.


Oh we do.. Believe me

Keep posting. It is good to have somewhere to vent if nothing else.


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