# Chronic arguing...



## DeeLG (Feb 21, 2011)

So my husband and I have been together for 12 years. We started dating when we were really young. We just tied the knot a year and half ago. (yes we waited THAT long  )
At the same time we've undergone a lot of changes. We moved back home after living across the country for 2 years, I got a new job and we just purchased our very first house. 
It's been a stressful time, but we generally like to think of ourselves as a good team. We're both driven, disciplined, etc. But when it comes to our relationship we still clash. Everyday we argue about something. It can be something trivial like dinner plans to bigger things like financial expenses. Either way I feel like it's slow chipping away at both of us. At times I get these feelings of resentment and they get my stomach in knots.
It's not healthy and it's to the point where we argue in front of other people. 
Still, we talk about future plans and one day starting a family. But honestly I can't see how that can happen anytime soon as I feel like are arguing would only get worse once a baby comes. Besides intimacy is a whole other situation. We're only in our early 30s and despite being newlyweds there's a huge lack intimacy. I get depressed when I think about how I imagined this point in our lives to be full of love making and excitement considering all that we've been through over the years to what we've been able to achieve together now. But no. It's not like that. People joke about how "we're next" and anyday we'll announce that we'll be having a baby. Oh...if they only knew. 
Sometimes I wonder if perhaps we missed the train. Meaning, maybe we waited to long to get married. There's not that level of excitement. Is it supposed to be this way? I'm not the kind of person to give up on anything...especially my marriage. I fear if we don't get a handle on are arguing and are lack of intimacy things will only get worse. Anyone with some advice to impart would be truly appreciated. 
Thank you!


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## student4life (Feb 14, 2011)

I feel like my husband and I are similar in some ways to you and yours. We've lived apart for a couple of years while I completed my masters (in different countries actually) and now we finally moved together and we thought things would be great now that we"re together but that's not the reality at all. We've been arguing non stop yet we still talk about future plans as well, especially kids. 

What I found out recently is that there is some fundamental reason why you are fighting about every little and big thing. With us it's that we were both unhappy and the pace of the lifestyle where we moved to isn't meshing with either one of us and it was really effecting how we live our day to day life. We've now decided to move some where that better suits the type of life style we BOTH want to live. 

So I'm not sure what your fundamental issues but there has to be something that is driving the current fights. You both have to be honest with yourselves and see what is really stopping you from being happy, truly happy. 

As for the intimacy issues they tend to go away once you figure out what is making you unhappy. With women we have an emotional connection with being intimate and when we are unhappy or disconnected there is a good chance that we're not having sex with anyone. 

Good luck on your soul searching.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Have you tried counseling? If he's open, that's a great place to start. You need to learn how to truly communicate, that's why everything turns into an argument. There are fundamental needs not being met, and that turns into lack of intimacy and tension. I wish someone had referred me to two books when I got married...His Needs, Her Needs and The 5 Love Languages. Not that it's helped US communicate, but it's made me realize the necessity of it.


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