# Two days of silence



## 2hearts (Mar 7, 2014)

Just had a huge fight 2 nights ago with my husband of 15 years. Says he's done and took his wedding ring off. Says he can't stand the thought of only being with me for the rest of his life...wants to have sex with other woman and can't because he's married! Claims all men cheat and that he can't take it anymore- that he's been faithful till now but feels there is no attraction anymore and doesn't want to live the rest of his life with someone he's not attracted to. I'm hurt and angry- he guilts me into thinking that I should not have an objection to him being with someone else...that its just physical! We've had plenty of ups and downs but my heart is broken and I can't imagine the thought of putting my children through a divorce. I've written him a letter expressing how I feel...when we talk he gets explosive and says horrible things....the letter was the only way I could organize my thoughts and get them out. Now I just don't know if I should give it to him....I know he doesn't feel desired by me...not because I don't but because I work full time, maintain the house by myself and tend to the kids. If he did something...anything to help me it would make me desire him more....he says he doesn't do the little things to make me happy because he has enough stresses in his life (finances, hates his job) that he doesn't have any desire to do the little things. Every time we have an argument like this it feels like I'm begging him to love me and to stay in this marriage....should I just let go- wait and see if he puts the ring back on...or apologizes....don't know what to do!...sometimes he says the most hateful, hurtful things to me and I always get over it because I can't stand conflict....I feel like I'm always the one giving in.....just don't know if I should this time.


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

Not all men cheat.

Don't send the letter.

Are you taking care of yourself? Are you into fitness at all? It will help with your self image and confidence if you eat properly, get into a fitness program of some sort, and sleep on a regular schedule.

And I would suggest you look into individual counseling. Your husband isn't treating you very well. You deserve better.


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## 2hearts (Mar 7, 2014)

I did look into some private counseling today for myself...actually in the letter I had written to him I said that if this was going to work that he needed to go with me. Either way I'm going because if I don't I feel like I'm going to loose my mind. I have gained weight since we met, but after a fight we had a year ago when he told me that I was fat and that he could do better than me...I got on a diet and started running. I'm not at all in perfect shape but feel like I don't have much to go. I quit smoking a year ago put on weight and have lost 30 pounds...have about 10 more to go! I feel like I'm an attractive person, am successful, and have always put my family before myself...and didn't mind doing it! According to my husband though Ive put focus on all the wrong things...I should have focused on keeping the intimacy alive in our marriage...not the same ol same ol all the time! We have 2 small children so even though he says mean things I can't stand the thought of heartache I'd go through starting over not to mention that which the kids would go through too!


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

Keep working on yourself physically -- not for him, for you.

I would suggest that you start IC before broaching the subject of MC.

I'm an HD guy, and my ex was LD -- not a good combo. Where I went wrong -- I was perpetually angry and resentful about the lack of intimacy. I didn't communicate that well. I can identify with how your H feels. But go outside the marriage? Nope. And he shouldn't be saying mean things to you.

You are right to be mindful of how your relationship with H will affect the children. He should be, too. Hopefully, he will be willing to try MC. Approach the subject from a position of confidence and strength, not from a position of need.


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## 2hearts (Mar 7, 2014)

Thank you! I'm hoping this weekend we can come to a decision and begin moving forward one way or the other!


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Not all men cheat, so that part is a load of rubbish. Also i cant get past the part that he said he cant stand the thought of being with just you for the rest of his life ( that is what marriage is, and that is why you do it because you want to be with that person and ONLY that person for the rest of your life) and the fact that he said it would not leave me feeling very safe carrying on with the marriage as i would always have that doubt.

Taking the wedding ring off is him just being childish, Just because he does not have the ring on does not change the fact that your still his wife.

Him saying he wants to have sex with another woman, is just wrong.... and not being nasty, but if he said he then he must be thinking it, and even tho he said hes remained faithful can you actually believe him???.

Plus the other things he said hes not attracted you, and hes just plain nasty to you, throwing insults around..... I mean do you want to put up with this, because unless he changes this is what it will continue to be like.

Its sad you have children, and understandably you do not want to put them through a divorce, but staying for the sake of the children is never a good thing and just makes things worse for them in the long run.

I would wait for him to make his move, why should you beg him and apologise when hes the one who is in the wrong from what you have said.


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

melw74 said:


> Him saying he wants to have sex with another woman, is just wrong.... and not being nasty, but if he said he then he must be thinking it, and even tho he said hes remained faithful can you actually believe him???."


That sounds more like the fantasy of a man who is emotionally immature than what a cheater would say. A cheater is more likely to give you the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech and deny any interest in "someone else."

Pretty clearly, he hasn't thought this through.

Good luck this weekend. Be firm, and don't give in or tolerate him being disrespectful.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Your husband is immature and living in a fantasy land. I understand you worrying about the children, and that you still do not want your marriage to end. But let me ask you:

Do you want your children growing up and seeing daddy be rude and disrespectful to mommy? They are learning from you what a relationship is, what is acceptable, how to set boundaries, how to respect themselves and their future spouses. Is this the kind of relationship you want them to have?

If you stay with this man, is it worth it to you to be with a man that is out cheating all the time and making you feel like dirt? And what if he gives you an STD? What if it is a life threatening one, or at the very least, one that you are cursed with for the rest of your life?

I fear that this man has emotionally beaten you down to the point that you don't think you deserve any better, that you have lost your dignity and self respect.

Let me tell you though, that you do deserve better than this. You do deserve to have a man who is kind, loving and faithful. You are as good as anyone else.

You cannot force him to change, to be kind, to not cheat. He will behave the way he wants. You don't "need" him. You can take care of you and you kids. You can have a peaceful, loving home. Believe in yourself.


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## 2hearts (Mar 7, 2014)

Well I gave him the letter this morning before leaving for work. I felt good about the letter because I stated in it that I would hope he'd consider therapy because I feel like we have too many years invested to throw it away without honestly trying to give it everything we had...to truly try and show our love and appreciation for each other. I did however say that if he chose not to go that I wasn't pushing the issue...but that I would take the ring off as an indication that he is trying to project he's available. although he feels that no one is faithful and that's it's killing him to think of only being intimate with one person for the rest of his life....that sitting by and allowing him to be intimate in any capacity with another woman would never happen. Pretty much that if that is truly a deal breaker for him then we must discuss how we are going to handle this huge turning point in our marriage....explaining to the kids etc. 

I know he read the letter because its gone, but he has said nothing about it yet...kids have been up so we will see what happens when we go to bed. He's acting very "normal" sparking up minor conversations with me and such....I'm hoping he can understand how out of line he was and how serious I am this time! There only so much a woman can take....I know he was a "player" prior to us meeting...we both had very social lives before our kids and He has always been a very sexual man....I'm almost of the opinion that he is a sex addict....all he thinks about...fantasizes constantly....watches porn....I'm just wondering is it possible to be a sex addict and not physically cheat? I feel confident that he hasn't cheated yet....however it clearly is a matter of time...

The fight that sparked 2days ago started because I saw a text he sent to my nephews wife....she's a beautiful girl 20 years younger than he....in the text he was very flirtatious and stated he felt as though she had teased him last time we all were out together....it broke my heart....how could he text that to someone but family of all people.....even if we go to counseling I wrestle with weather or not I'll be able to ever move beyond this....in the text he even said...this is between me and you, after which she responded flirtatiously saying that the thought had crossed her mind but then she realized although they had chemistry it was a ridiculous idea...that she wanted to forget the whole conversation and deleted the text.....so now I question him being deceitful too...is this the only time? Are there others? Just confused....


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

2hearts, I don't know how often you two were intimate and if that plays a part in his thirst for intimacy. But nevertheless his actions are unacceptable.

I also don't know if the letter will help. Usually in cases like this, it might for a day, week or even two. But it always goes back. If you are having sex 3x per week and he says he needs it 6. So you capitulate, then it is not passionate enough, then it is that you don't initiate it, then it is because you don't wear sexy undies and walk around all day (in front of your kids) with your shirt half undone, etc., etc., etc. He will come back with excuse after excuse why it is never enough for him.

I am truly sorry for you and your situation. I understand not wanting to leave because of the kids. And you shouldn't have to live with this kind of misery and fear of him cheating and infecting you with something.

My advice to you is to determine how long you are truly willing to keep trying, 1 month, 1 year, 5 years? What is your time limit, being aware that it will be a pendulum, always thinking he is going to try and then it always goes back? How many years of yours and your children's lives are you willing to live in an unhappy home? Decide this and then start putting things in place if it comes to that so you are ready and able to follow through.

The other thing I would do is video or audio record him treating you this way. It might come in useful in a counseling session or just to play it back to him. Most people are shocked at their own behavior when they see it. And I would not tell him I am doing it.


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## 2hearts (Mar 7, 2014)

Thank you for the advise. I think you might be right...if he hear what he says to me in the tone he says it I think he'd be shocked! I'm define toy going to take your advise and see what his response is!


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

So....was there a conversation after he read the letter? Where did it go?


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## 2hearts (Mar 7, 2014)

No conversation after the letter... Noticed though the ring was back on. After several days of uncomfortableness, he started to strike up conversations with me. When I did question"did you read the letter" he said yes...I don't want to talk about it right now. He's been very attentive, and the other night after falling asleep- he woke me up to question who was I dreaming about...said he had been listening to me while I slept and was upset that I was talking in my sleep and that I was saying sexual things...wanted to know who I was dreaming about.... He preserve-rated on this for 2 days before finally dropping it.

I find myself just moving forward as if nothing happened because I choose to be happy and I hate conflict...he knows what he has done is wrong and I can't help but think that I need to stay in control...that if this ends it is as a result of his disconnect and actions that will result in a future of unhappiness for him. I am fine if I just focus on the moment...it's when I think about the comments from the fight and the sneaky behavior that I then get livid again and the attitude starts which brings about nothing but unhappiness.... Am I letting him off the hook, or is choosing to move forward for the sake of happiness ok?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, you are letting him off the hook. But you know that. 

You are rug-sweeping.


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