# Hardly any sex after just One Year



## sexualhealth (Dec 18, 2012)

Hello...I am new to this forum and I stumbled upon it when I was looking for help about my almost sexless relationship.

I am in a committed relationship where my partner and I live together, this we decided to do after dating six months. We have now been living together for six months but during this time the sex has gradually declined. 

I really don't understand because we are both relatively young at 44 and have no children. I have a high sex drive and would quite happily make love every evening. The thing is since moving in together my partner probably would be happy with just oral sex now and then but when it comes to me wishing to have sex he is not very keen anymore and it happens about twice per month. I try to instigate it but he says that I am 'naughty' and laughs and then he asks me to give him oral every time. This is not satsifying me. Also he says he does not like me to instigate sex at all, that it is a mans role to do this.

I have told him that I would like more sex but he says that it is my fault because we argue (I do get annoyed because I feel rejected). So he blames me for him not being turned on because I am upset with him.

I have tried to dress in provocative underwear but he says that it looks cheap and I don't need it. Also I tried to take a tray of food to bed and dress in lace but he was more worried that I would spill food on the bed.

I feel rejected which I have told him about and now I really don't feel desirable to him and I have got the stage over the last two months that I really don't want sex with him and I now feel that I am wasting my life with him. But I also do care about him and love him.

When we first dated he was a gentleman and said he wanted to wait ten weeks before we had sex, I realise now that it wasn't because he was being a gentleman but because he does not have much desire. Also when we did have sex he would always just ask me to turn over so that he could go behind which at first I was ok with but then the times on top were only when I asked for it.

When we moved into our new house he said we would have sex in every room but this never happened, He now brings his laptop to bed and plays video games on it. And I even caught him looking a porn website while I was lying next to him which made me feel like rubbish.

I am wondering what the hell is wrong with him. And I feel deflated.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

If there was never much sex, then you are likely getting all that you can expect. I am not sure you can expect him to change, because it would be changing him into something he never was.

Your real question needs to be assuming things stay the same (and I don't see any reason why they would change), could you still live in this arrangement. If not (and it sounds like you could not), then you need to move on for both of you.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

This is what dating is for - to learn about each other and see if you would be good together.

And you are now seeing who he is. You aren't going to change who he is, not at 44. All you can do is decide if this is the kind of relationship you want or not.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

This sounds like many threads here - except people complain about the lack of sex after years of marriage. Then they are asked - "what was it like before you got married?" It is sad, but you are lucky that he isn't faking it now, then turning off the burners after marriage. You either need to accept that you will have a sexless, platonic marriage with a guy who gets more turned on by porn than you, or move on. Unless you are so happy with his other qualities that you can accept a life without sex, you WILL become more resentful, and angry, and become a person you don't like because it will be on your mind all the time and affect who you are and your tolerance for other issues.


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

sexualhealth said:


> I have a high sex drive and would quite happily make love every evening.


  Where were you when I was still single and dating? 



sexualhealth said:


> I have tried to dress in provocative underwear but he says that it looks cheap and I don't need it.


  Check for a pulse!



sexualhealth said:


> He now brings his laptop to bed and plays video games on it.


Ummm ... really? 

Sounds like you're fortunate to find out now instead of after marriage, when it no doubt would be far worse. Time to cut and run


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Sounds like two very different sex drives and needs. Based on what you've shared sounds like he isn't likely to change. As I'm sure you know, loving someone doesn't mean you can happily live together. Many couples live together with little or no sex but you don't seem ready for that life. Time to decide, I'd say.


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## jarhed (Nov 11, 2012)

Run Run Run..... NOW

Thank God you didn't marry him.

Did I mention you should RUN?


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

My vote is that he's gay.

Possibly in denial.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Whatever else you two have together, you will never have a happy sex life. Ever. 

The rest follows from how important that fact is to you.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

It's possible that his testosterone is low. Perhaps you could insist he go to the doctor for a hormone test. If he refuses, or his hormones are fine, then he's probably just not very attracted to you.

Given that you've only invested a year in the guy, I would move out and start dating again.

Good luck.


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## Michael A. Brown (Oct 16, 2012)

think twice before making any decisions.


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## halojereme (Dec 18, 2012)

Your real question needs to be assuming things stay the same


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## sexualhealth (Dec 18, 2012)

Oh my goodness...thank you so much for all of your replies to my message.

You have all really helped me.

And some of you have made me smile quite a lot which has helped even more as it is always good to have humour even in the face of adversity. 

I feel that the general replies indicate that I should either accept that he always going to be like this or that I have the option to leave.

Both of these are true, of course I believe that he is not going to change, not at 45 years old. I have considered the low testosterone levels but there is no way he would want me to raise this as he is a very proud man and would not like to think his manhood is being questioned.

The option to leave is now very tempting. Some may say that I knew what I was getting into in the first place but he was definitely more active in bed than this before we moved in. And since I have stopped instigating sex he is quite happy to just cuddle and sleep. 

To me sex is a really really important bonding process in a committed relationship and it is important to make time for it every week. My friend who has four children and has been married for 20 years makes loves 3 times a week.

Sex bonds two people and makes them feel connected in way that a plutonic relationship will never happen. I believe it is essential in bringing two people together, the intimacy they share on this level will mean that they will want to share all aspects of their life together, finances, problems, family issues. All other problems in life become easier to share. It is the closeness of sex that makes us continually desire the other person. It makes us want to drive longer distances, climb mountains, and put ourselves in between ourselves and our lover in times of danger. It makes us feel we could die for them.

Without this sexual bond we are friends and companions and it can never be the same as a two lovers who seek each others bodies to be as one in love and reach the lofty heights that we know we can achieve. It makes us happier beyond any other material thing in the world.

Anyone else in my position will know and understand that this is what we crave and that we are hanging on to that hope that things will change.

But now I know it will not and that I have to hurt myself and my partner. This is the very hard thing to do


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## sexualhealth (Dec 18, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> My vote is that he's gay.
> 
> Possibly in denial.


I did consider this for some time but the fact that he looks at porn...especially large breasted women means that he isn't gay.

But yes if he was then this would be an easy answer for me and I actually wish he was.


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## sexualhealth (Dec 18, 2012)

jarhed said:


> Run Run Run..... NOW
> 
> Thank God you didn't marry him.
> 
> Did I mention you should RUN?


This made me laugh:rofl:

But....easier said than done ! I gave up my job to move hundreds of miles away to where we moved to buy a house, closer to where he works. So you see it would be very difficult as I would have to get a another job and move back back to where I lived before. It is a massive thing to start over.


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## sexualhealth (Dec 18, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Whatever else you two have together, you will never have a happy sex life. Ever.
> 
> The rest follows from how important that fact is to you.



:iagree:

But I keep hoping,,,he actually said to me it was my fault becasue I keep arguing which puts him off sex with me. He said if I behave I may get it three times per week!


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## sexualhealth (Dec 18, 2012)

People tell me I look like Demi Moore! That is why I have put her on my avatar.

I am really interested in health and fitness and work out at the gym regularly.

I am now feeling really deflated about my appearance and even going to the gym is a chore now as I think why am I bothering as I he never wants me in a sexual way.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

sexualhealth said:


> But I keep hoping,,,he actually said to me it was my fault becasue I keep arguing which puts him off sex with me. He said if I behave I may get it three times per week!


This is called gaslighting, after the movie. He's just deflecting the blame from himself onto you. Disloyal spouses do it all the time. "I never would have cheated if you had just ..."

Don't fall for it. If you really need to prove it, just don't initiate for a while and see how often he does. I'm betting he won't.

I suggest you run the 180. It's to change your behaviors 180 degrees from what hasn't worked. It's very helpful when one person has checked out of a relationship. It's to distance yourself emotionally from him and prepare yourself to leave him.
The Healing Heart: The 180

Good luck.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

I think it's better to cut your losses and move on. If you're having this type of issue after only a year, think 5 and 10 years down the road. Is this what you want for you life...or worse?

It's only been a year with him, so I'm sure it won't be too hard to pick up the pieces and move on. You sound like a very smart and driven woman. Things will turn out wonderfully for you!  Life is too short to settle, especially in mid life! Get back out there and seek what you want. Better yet, let it find you!!!


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

This is just a clear cut case of mismatched sex drive. You will be so much happier with a man with a high sex drive to match your own. Go find one. 

This is why its a good idea to live together before getting married. I know it's inconvenient to move out when you just moved in, but it will be more inconvenient in 5 or 10 years.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

sexualhealth said:


> :iagree:
> 
> But I keep hoping,,,he actually said to me it was my fault becasue I keep arguing which puts him off sex with me. He said if I behave I may get it three times per week!


Yeah, I've heard the "If you only would stop pressuring me..." speech too.

It's a well intentioned lie. When the LD spouse is left to their own schedule, be it frequency, variety, or whatever, you get exactly what they want when they want it. They do not spontaneously start meeting your needs now that you've quit nagging them.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

sexualhealth said:


> This made me laugh:rofl:
> 
> But....easier said than done ! I gave up my job to move hundreds of miles away to where we moved to buy a house, closer to where he works. So you see it would be very difficult as I would have to get a another job and move back back to where I lived before. It is a massive thing to start over.


Which one is more difficult to deal with? Which one sounds more appealing? A temporary inconvenience of moving and finding a new job and sexually satisfying partner or live in a continually frustrating, sex starving relationship for the rest of your life?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

sexualhealth said:


> I did consider this for some time but the fact that he looks at porn...especially large breasted women means that he isn't gay.
> 
> But yes if he was then this would be an easy answer for me and I actually wish he was.


What is his porn usage? Once in awhile or every day? Consider that he has real issues with this.


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## sexualhealth (Dec 18, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> What is his porn usage? Once in awhile or every day? Consider that he has real issues with this.


I sneak a look at him on his laptop now and then and he has it on or on SKy TV. I could not say how often because there may be time when I am occupied with chores.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

sexualhealth said:


> I sneak a look at him on his laptop now and then and he has it on or on SKy TV. I could not say how often because there may be time when I am occupied with chores.


Can you get access to it to look at the browser history? How often have you caught him looking at it? Once in a great while or once a week? Becuase is it is the latter, my guess is that he is watching it quite frequently. That, coupled with the lack of sex, makes it a problem.


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## sexualhealth (Dec 18, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Can you get access to it to look at the browser history? How often have you caught him looking at it? Once in a great while or once a week? Becuase is it is the latter, my guess is that he is watching it quite frequently. That, coupled with the lack of sex, makes it a problem.


Probably once per week as least,do you think this is enough to put him off wanting sex with me?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

sexualhealth said:


> Probably once per week as least,do you think this is enough to put him off wanting sex with me?


Definitely. Could range from him turning to porn and turning away from you to him masterbating frequently enough that he cannot perform, and thus is not initiating with you.

Regardless of the reason, I think it is a problem that needs to be addressed.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

You look after yourself, look like Demi-Moore, wish to greet him at the door wearing something sexy, want sex three times a week or more, moved hundreds of miles to be with him.

He watches porn, dismisses your efforts when he comes home, is interested in sex twice a month, blames you for his lack of interest.


Me - Face Palm. 

It's one thing to try and rekindle a sex life that was once there but has faded.
It is a completely other thing to try and ask someone to be something they are not. A leopard does not change it's spots.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> You look after yourself, look like Demi-Moore, wish to greet him at the door wearing something sexy, want sex three times a week or more, moved hundreds of miles to be with him.


You don't know that she loos like Demi-Moore, that she looks after herself, and anything else about her!

You only know that she says this.



CanadianGuy said:


> Me - Face Palm.


I can't tell you how many first dates I've been on that the woman's profile text and pictures say pretty much the same thing and I find myself doing the same face palm you did for entirely different reasons.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> You don't know that she loos like Demi-Moore, that she looks after herself, and anything else about her!
> 
> You only know that she says this.
> 
> ...


Point taken. Please put a "You say" in front of those statements.

Sorry to hear you've been dating "Semi-Moores" . Better luck in the future.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

CanadianGuy said:


> You look after yourself, look like Demi-Moore, *wish to greet him at the door wearing something sexy, want sex three times a week or more, moved hundreds of miles to be with him*.


To me, there are the crucial elements that deserve the face palm. If he thought she was attractive enough to marry her, so why is porn now more exciting only a year later.

Perhaps I missed it, but was this a long distance relationship for a period? If so, how long were you two in close proximity before moving in together and/or getting married?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

OP,
I hear your frustration.
And I empthasize.

I'll share something I learned along the way.

What turns me on, doesn't always turn my partner on.

Aggresive behavior can be a turn off, for some men.

I read that you have talked to your bf about this, and he has tried to explain to you what he doesn't like. (sure, most men are turned on by those things, but he says he isn't)

So... what DOES turn him on? Focus on that.
- He doesn't like it when you initiate
- He doesn't like lingerie that looks cheap (to him)
- When you argue about sex or you get upset about being rejected, it turns him off.

Yeah, he doesn't like what "most" men like . And he's over 40. So you are stuck with how he is.

Some men are pretty traditional in the sense that trashy is saved for porn, and they really do like to do the initiating. Is he the breadwinner? 

Have you considered reading His Needs Her Needs? Try reading it together.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

sexualhealth said:


> Probably once per week as least,do you think this is enough to put him off wanting sex with me?


 Yes it very well could, if he is low drive anyway.


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