# Am I Ready? Are We Ready?



## FutureExMrs. (Jul 18, 2011)

Though we were separated for a while (altogether 5 years with reconciliations in between). I have not seriously considered dating anyone as of yet. Although he has a "girlfriend" and has introduced her to our children even going as far as having them calling her kids their "siblings"(I do not approve, at all!!). I have yet to get comfortable w/ the idea of dating and bringing anyone around my children to that comfort level. The kids are ok w/ his relationship status but when I attempt to discuss me possibly dating someone and how they would feel, they speak of things such as; already disliking this fictional character and sabotaging any future relationships. This frustrates me to no end. It makes me feel as though I should wait until they are older or possibly I may have to date in secret. Which is unacceptable because the relationship may become serious and then they will not have any idea who this "new" person is. I miss male companionship but don't want to alienate myself, a prospect or my children...someone please Help Me??


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*What are yours and your STBXH's ages and the ages of your kids?*


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You cannot allow your kids to rule your life that way. It is fine to date without them knowing for a while. They are just going to have to learn to deal with it at some point. If you do start seeing someone exclusively, then you can let them know, but still put off them meeting the new person until you are secure in the relationship. You deserve happiness with someone every bit as much as your ex. Dont allow your kids to bully you.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Regardless if you approve, the children will do what they need to do to survive.

Ages, length of last separation and have you had a good rebound yet?


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## FutureExMrs. (Jul 18, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> *What are yours and your STBXH's ages and the ages of your kids?*


30 and 33
Kids 10 and 11 y/o girls

P.S not STBXH divorce was finalized 2/26/2015 :smthumbup:


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## MacyLu (Mar 2, 2015)

Being a single mom can be hard to decide when enough time has passed to decide whether to begin dating or not. Since you aren't currently dating, posing any hypothetical scenarios to your children will probably only garner negativity and possibly role reversal (children acting like your mom and vice versa) which you need to avoid. Remember, you are the adult, you are the mom.

If you meet someone that results in a date, I say go for it and let your children know that you are going out on a date just for fun and avoid having the guy meet your kids at this stage. If your date turns out to meet your relationship criteria and you are ready to take things further, only then should your children meet the guy.

It's great that you have put a lot of thought into considering your children's feelings but be careful not to let them discourage you from meeting your own needs.


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## FutureExMrs. (Jul 18, 2011)

SamuraiJack said:


> Regardless if you approve, the children will do what they need to do to survive.
> 
> Ages, length of last separation and have you had a good rebound yet?


We're 30 and 33 kids are 10 and 11(girls)
last separation since Dec 2013...divorce finalized last week...no rebounds either haven't even known where to start...we were together since high school.


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## FutureExMrs. (Jul 18, 2011)

Thank you! I do allow them to dictate a lot of what goes on in our lives as a family. They're not spoiled but I tend to over compensate for them no longer having a two parent household. I give them more options than I give myself a lot of times. It's a hard cycle to break


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You can start dating by going out mostly when your children are with your ex. When they are with you, it's ok to go out when you have someone who can watch them for you.

It's best to not introduce a new person to your children until you have dated them at least a year. By that time you would know that it's serious. You girls should not be exposed to meeting people you date more casually.

Keep in mind that children are most likely to be molested by their mother's boyfriend. Men who molest children tend to look for unmarried mothers to date. It gives them access to children. So if you date for a year before introducing your children, it will help you weed out the creeps.

So date, enjoy, and don't ask your kids for approval or permission. it's not their place.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How is custody divided?
Go the gym. Take up the musical instrument you thought of.

Do your girls play sports?

Depending on their personalities and maturity they will wish you success or they will jealous. Or both. Don't obsess.

Do you feel that your ex moving on so quickly is affecting your decision?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

FutureExMrs. said:


> Thank you! I do allow them to dictate a lot of what goes on in our lives as a family. They're not spoiled but I tend to over compensate for them no longer having a two parent household. I give them more options than I give myself a lot of times. It's a hard cycle to break


This a tough one and a lot of us have done that. I let mine sleep in my bed (she was almost 5 at separation) and that was a BEAR to break.

Date. Tell them you are going on a date. They will eventually realize it's not threatening because you will go on dates and nothing at home will change. 

Do not over-compensate. They still have two parents. By over-compensating you are subliminally telling them that there is something wrong - something to compensate FOR. Instead, stability is important. Punish for the same things you used to. Do not cut them slack because there's no reason to. Your expectations and the world's expectations of them have not changed because there was a divorce.

Does he have them on weekends? If so, try to date primarily during that time so it's not disruptive. Then casually drop an anecdotal story "... while I was out on a date this weekend I saw the funniest thing in the restaurant..." and when they ask about the date, just assure them that if there is ever anyone special, they will be the first to know. Then keep mentioning your assorted dates - even share the funny bad ones.

My personal rule, which seems to be the norm by accident, is dating for 6 months before introducing. And then introduce in a casual way - an outdoor activity that involves other people. No one-on-one things; too awkward for all. You'll get the hang of it.


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## FutureExMrs. (Jul 18, 2011)

LongWalk said:


> How is custody divided?
> Go the gym. Take up the musical instrument you thought of.
> 
> Do your girls play sports?
> ...


I have full physical and residential custody and he has limited visitation. No they don't play any sports as of yet. They are indecisive on what they want to take up and after school tutoring takes up a good chunk of their after school time...him moving on so quickly is not a factor for me, I think. He's always been that way really never lived on his own never did anything really for himself. I expected it from him more or less.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I have full physical custody as well. My ex does dinner with the kids twice a week. She started dating almost immediately after we separated. 

I started by going out to meetup groups. Great way to socialize and interact with the opposite sex without the pressure of 'dating'. 

More recently I've started dating. I let them know that I am dating. But I don't talk about who, and I told them that I won't bring them around or introduce them until it's something serious. My kids are 16, 18 and 20. This works well for them. They are happy to see me date, but don't want it 'in their face' so to speak like it is with their mother. 

I think the suggestion of dating someone for 1 year prior to introducing to the kids is a good one. Some folks think that is too long, but think about it. What if the kids like your date? If you break up, it's like putting them through another mini-divorce. You don't need that internalized pressure to stay together unless you are to the point that you are sure you want to be with that person long term.


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