# Dont know what to do...



## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

Hi all. I have been married 13 years have 3 children together. We've had our ups and down like any couple but im struggling to cope now. 

I have tried talking to the wife before about how i feel but she cant see that anything wrong and always turns things back on me. And then i feel guilty and end up for some reason apologizing. 

I feel as tho im only here for the kids. I have thought about leaving a few times but i dont want to upset the kids. 

I dont know what to do for the best.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Jamesjones10123 said:


> tried talking to the wife before about how i feel but she cant see that anything wrong


BTDT. What is your assessment of why your wife responds this way ? Mine, honestly, just doesn't give a carpenter's damn about my feelings. She is so wrapped up in her own drama that she doesn't even know I'm alive except when a paycheck is due. She acknowledges my existence for 10 minutes to ask me what day she can expect it.

Please feel free to tell it like it is. We have people here from all walks of life and both good and bad marriages. We can help.

You obviously have tender-age children. The impact of leaving will indeed "upset" them. However, what to do for the best is a different question, and a difficult decision.
You will get many different viewpoints here, and can evaluate them, take what you need from them, ignore the rest.


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

Mine dont care. Only when she wants something. If i dont respond to her she goes in a sulk mood and then i end up for apologizing just to make peace.

Kids are 14. 11 and 9


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Why don’t you love your wife? Is there any concrete reasons. You haven’t outlined any here.


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

Its all one sided.she doesnt help me with anything including driving the kids to clubs and stuff as she said she doesnt like driving. But will drive her family wherever they want to go.
Just fed up of walking on eggshells and all the stupid little arguments about crap all the time. No matter what i do its never any good and if i dont do anything she had a go at me for that too.

She taking all my energy out of me and i dont know what to do for the best.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She loves her family more than she loves her own children? Yikes!


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

Seems that way. 
She always shouts at the kids and then i have to step in and seperare the argument. ( its like having another kid in the house).



She does everything with her family. Including xmas dinner. Her family normally tag along on holidays. ( we only had one holiday with just us 5 in 13 years of marriage) 

They cant even go shopping without asking each other to go


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Jamesjones10123 I think relationship counselling might be of help, but first, what do YOU want?


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

She wont go to counselling as she cant see that anything is wrong. And turns everything back on me all the time. 

Im dont want to upset the kids. I have thought about leaving but i dont want to upset them


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Jamesjones10123 said:


> she cant see that anything is wrong.


Let me guess.... she never lived alone, she moved from her family's house to your house....

This usually means that the family-of-origin has taught her what "right" is..... and, since they have decided, long ago, that it is in their best interest to keep your wife a child, that's who you married..... you married a child.

Let me clue you in on something..... your wife will be starting to collect social security, and will not have changed one bit. 

My advice is this. Get yourself a job which is 1000 miles away from her family. Your wife will refuse to move. She cannot be separated from her family. My bet is that she will give you the kids. Doesn't sound like she really wants them. She wants to BE the kid.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TJW said:


> Let me guess.... she never lived alone, she moved from her family's house to your house....
> 
> This usually means that the family-of-origin has taught her what "right" is..... and, since they have decided, long ago, that it is in their best interest to keep your wife a child, that's who you married..... you married a child.
> 
> ...


In Britain moving 100 miles for a job is considered to be 'going to the ends of the Earth.' 

@Jamesjones10123 has your wife ever had a diagnosis for any mental health disorder? Or something like Asperger's Syndrome?

Her thinking is disordered, I feel.


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> In Britain moving 100 miles for a job is considered to be 'going to the ends of the Earth.'
> 
> @Jamesjones10123 has your wife ever had a diagnosis for any mental health disorder? Or something like Asperger's Syndrome?
> 
> Her thinking is disordered, I feel.


No she has never been dianosed with anything


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## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

Hi there,
Newbie here. I just looked for your posts to see what problems you are dealing with. All I can think of, if she doesn't want to do counseling, any chance you can gift her a book such as "How to have a new husband by Friday?" This sounds like it's all about fixing husbands (hence she may feel more likely to read it, not to mention it's written in a funny way), but in reality it's about wives learning how to understand and appreciate their husbands more. Sort of a give and get back way. I got the book and only now realized how husbands feel unappreciated nowadays. It has helped my marriage learning to cherish my hubby more, although we still have discussions and when they happen I feel like just wanting to leave, but then I take a walk, hubby apologizes and things feel better again and I am ready to start all over.


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

Maryjean76 said:


> Hi there,
> Newbie here. I just looked for your posts to see what problems you are dealing with. All I can think of, if she doesn't want to do counseling, any chance you can gift her a book such as "How to have a new husband by Friday?" This sounds like it's all about fixing husbands (hence she may feel more likely to read it, not to mention it's written in a funny way), but in reality it's about wives learning how to understand and appreciate their husbands more. Sort of a give and get back way. I got the book and only now realized how husbands feel unappreciated nowadays. It has helped my marriage learning to cherish my hubby more, although we still have discussions and when they happen I feel like just wanting to leave, but then I take a walk, hubby apologizes and things feel better again and I am ready to start all over.


If i bought that book my wife wouldnt see the funny side and more like to throw it back at me. And it would cause another argument.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Jamesjones10123 said:


> Hi all. I have been married 13 years have 3 children together. We've had our ups and down like any couple but im struggling to cope now.
> 
> I have tried talking to the wife before about how i feel but she cant see that anything wrong and always turns things back on me. And then i feel guilty and end up for some reason apologizing.
> 
> ...


Feeling like a rough neck with a paycheck? Yeah, that does not play well for long. You need to lay the cards on the table. You did not sign up to be a roommate.

What are you doing to nurture the marriage?


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

Yeswecan said:


> Feeling like a rough neck with a paycheck? Yeah, that does not play well for long. You need to lay the cards on the table. You did not sign up to be a roommate.
> 
> What are you doing to nurture the marriage?


Just taking each day as it comes ans trying not to get in her way then she cant have a go at me for anything. 

I prefer to be by myself or with the kids anyway


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Jamesjones10123 said:


> Just taking each day as it comes ans trying not to get in her way then she cant have a go at me for anything.


You are actually saying that you are doing your best to not piss her off? Really? 

Why not get a divorce already? You are doing what lots of abused woman do. It is the same dynamic. 

Brother you have to get out...


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Jamesjones10123 said:


> Just taking each day as it comes ans trying not to get in her way then she cant have a go at me for anything.
> 
> I prefer to be by myself or with the kids anyway


Well sir, passive aggressive behavior is not the answer. Time to get a pair and sit your W down for a talk on what each other expects. Silence never fixed a damn thing other than maybe a headache.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

tell me...do you want to look back on another 13 years with the same behavior and wonder if you should something about then or do you want to sit down with her and tell he that you can no longer take her behavior and that you are nearing the end of this relationship, that you would rather co-parent then to stay in a relationship which is beating you down....clearly she is not happy so maybe she would be happy not married any more to you. the time for change is not hoping for her to have an epiphany, to wake up and finally smell the coffee, its more likely for you to draw the line in the sand and say no more, and if she crosses that to end things and readjust your life as co-parent.


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## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

Jamesjones10123 said:


> If i bought that book my wife wouldnt see the funny side and more like to throw it back at me. And it would cause another argument.


 So sorry, it would have been nice if she was open for making improvements. I feel for you. I feel that way too when I tell my hubby to do counseling and he says a straight no each time and does little to improve the situation, or does it for a while and then we are back to square one.


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## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

BluesPower said:


> You are actually saying that you are doing your best to not piss her off? Really?
> 
> Why not get a divorce already? You are doing what lots of abused woman do. It is the same dynamic.
> 
> Brother you have to get out...


BluesPower, excuse my intrusion, but I am in a similar situation as the OP, just wondering, but don't many husbands and wives in normal, healthy marriages try at some time or another not to piss each other off? 

I am trying to compare unhappy marriages with happy ones, and trying to understand what perfect marriages look like. 

Like don't all couples fight because one or the other gets pissed off and after that, one or the other tries not to piss the other off when it can be avoided? I am sure everybody goes through moments of keeping their mouths shut to avoid conflict. 

What makes a marriage more troublesome than another? The frequencies of fights? Keeping the mouth shut most of the time rather than sparingly? How should people in a good marriage deal with issues that may piss the other off? Because I think everybody in this world get pissed over things. Getting pissed off too certainly doesn't help.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Maryjean76 said:


> BluesPower, excuse my intrusion, but I am in a similar situation as the OP, just wondering, but don't many husbands and wives in normal, healthy marriages try at some time or another not to piss each other off?
> 
> I am trying to compare unhappy marriages with happy ones, and trying to understand what perfect marriages look like.
> 
> ...


Let me answer like this... OP in this thread basically says the he is scared to Piss off his wife, the she has physically abused him. 

If you are scared, scared to upset your spouse because they will hit you or verbally abuse you, that is wrong 

Yeah, you don't want to unnecessarily want to upset another person, but sometimes you have to. 

But to be scared is to be abused. 

Abuse of any type is wrong, every time, in every way, it is wrong. 

It is also wrong for anyone to allow themselves to be treated that way. It is unhealthy...


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Jamesjones10123 said:


> Mine dont care. Only when she wants something. If i dont respond to her she goes in a sulk mood and then i end up for apologizing just to make peace.
> 
> Kids are 14. 11 and 9


So, first of all LET HER SULK. STOP apologizing for stuff that isn't YOUR fault. SHE needs to make her own happy, and YOU shouldn't take the blame that she does.
Second, STOP walking on eggshells.  If she starts in on you, just tell her "STOP. We can discuss this when you can do it in a calm fashion. Until then, I'm not discussing this with you"
You have let her get away with treating you like this for too long. Stand up for yourself (it will be a great example for your kids to see this also), stop bowing to her, and go about YOUR life then. You need to stand up for your own boundaries. 
I know about being conflict avoidant -- I am also, but there are times when you really HAVE to. What's the worst she will do? Yell at you? So what. Leave the room if she starts doing that. If she follows, grab the kids and go out for a drive or get ice cream or something. If you are consistent that you won't put up with her treating you like this, she will eventually get the point.


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## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

BluesPower said:


> Let me answer like this... OP in this thread basically says the he is scared to Piss off his wife, the she has physically abused him.
> 
> If you are scared, scared to upset your spouse because they will hit you or verbally abuse you, that is wrong
> 
> ...


Blues Power, thanks for the elucidation.


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

Maryjean76 said:


> So sorry, it would have been nice if she was open for making improvements. I feel for you. I feel that way too when I tell my hubby to do counseling and he says a straight no each time and does little to improve the situation, or does it for a while and then we are back to square one.


Its a tough situation to be in. And im just going round in circles.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Jamesjones10123 said:


> Its a tough situation to be in. And im just going round in circles.


Yes, it certainly is. The problem is, without your action, things will not remain the same. Abusers escalate. The longer they are allowed to abuse with impunity, the worse they get.
And, yes, you are going around in circles....

Pilots are instructed to remember an acronym "PARE" power, ailerons, rudder, elevator, for spin recovery. 

The first action in spin recovery is "power"....turn off the power....stop giving your wife power.....
Second "ailerons" - neutralize the ailerons...set up your airplane for straight-and-level flying.....put what you want into your marriage....
Third action "rudder" - apply FULL rudder in the opposite direction to the spin - push back.....
Fourth action "elevator" - a spin is basically a stall.....a stall on one wing, the other is still flying...your wife is flying, you're stalled....break the stall...



jlg07 said:


> If you are consistent that you won't put up with her treating you like this, she will eventually get the point.


Break the stall, break the spin.... it's up to you....


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## fencewalker (Apr 17, 2020)

Two questions...
1. What's keeping you in the relationship right now? Do you have good moments with your wife? Are you in it for the kids? Guilt about leaving?
2. Are you still intimate with your wife?


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

Mainly here for the kids. 
As im disabled and my two kids have the same condition as me id find it hard to leave them.
Only have intimacy about once a month if that.( wife is not very adventurous in the bedroom) sometimes feels like a chore.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Have you tried marriage counseling?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Jamesjones10123 said:


> Mainly here for the kids.
> As im disabled and my two kids have the same condition as me id find it hard to leave them.
> Only have intimacy about once a month if that.( wife is not very adventurous in the bedroom) sometimes feels like a chore.


Dude, you need to find your balls and file for divorce... Your kids are looking at how you are living your life. 

Is that the way that you want your kids to allow themselves to be treated????


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Have you tried marriage counseling?


I did suggest it before when we hit a rough patch but the wife just laughrd at me and dismissed the idea.
No point in going back over the same arguments.


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

BluesPower said:


> Dude, you need to find your balls and file for divorce... Your kids are looking at how you are living your life.
> 
> Is that the way that you want your kids to allow themselves to be treated????


I dont know how to tell her tho as im not the confrontational type. And i dont just want to walk out on the kids and for them to resent me


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Jamesjones10123 said:


> I dont know how to tell her tho as im not the confrontational type. And i dont just want to walk out on the kids and for them to resent me


You don't have to walk out on your kids and no one is saying that. Divorce does not mean that you abandon your children.

If you want to continue to be abused, then do nothing. 

If you want to stop being weak and stand up for yourself, then file for divorce. 

Have some courage....


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## Cup of Tea (Apr 15, 2020)

James,
I can tell that you love your kids very much. You aren't abandoning them if you get a divorce, especially if you take them with you. 

Listen though, for their sake: get in the habit of talking about emotions with them. If you plan on leaving, get close to them, get them comfortable with sharing their feelings, and make sure they know you care about them a lot. They are old enough to understand what is going on. If they ask questions, answer them simply and don't keep them in the dark. They are old enough to understand. 

You don't want them growing to up think that this dynamic is normal. 

Best wishes.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You should also see a lawyer to understand what a divorce would look like. You WILL be able to see your kids and stay close to them.
Them seeing this type of relationship isn't good for them either -- they will learn that this is normal when it is not.


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## Cup of Tea (Apr 15, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> You should also see a lawyer to understand what a divorce would look like. You WILL be able to see your kids and stay close to them.
> Them seeing this type of relationship isn't good for them either -- they will learn that this is normal when it is not.


I think she's going to have a nuclear meltdown when she is served. But I agree, he needs to get his info right from a pro in his area.


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

As she is with me 24/7 its hard to fet out on my own. As she always questions what im doing and either tags along or makss one of the kids tag along. So i rarely get alone time. 

Shw wouldnt let me take the kids as i know she would use my disability against me and say that i cant cope on my own with them as she my carer. ( not that she does that much for me tbh) she does more for her family


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