# My wife thinks I dont trust her...



## "T" (Apr 17, 2012)

My wife and I are coming up on our 1 year anniversary. She thinks i dont trust her. Heres why:

Ok so about 12 months ago i got out of the military. I had been having a hard time adjusting back to normal life. I used to get extremely jealous, just the way that she would talk about her ex's, and even one time compared me to one of her ex's. (i refused to get that facial mask and put cucumbers on my eyes, and she said "well * used to do it with me.). Over a very short period of time, my jealousy reached its peak, and i got very drunk when she went out with her co workers. I blew her phone up, was extremely sarcastic with her on the phone, and was just an all around ****head. I ended up smashing my phone that night. Well that was months ago. Since then we have talked about it, and i apologized extensively for it. I cant even tell you how ashamed i was.

Ever since then she is always asking me if i am mad at her. I tell her no, because i am not! I ask her why she always feels the need to ask me if i am mad, and she says she doesnt know. I tell her its not healthy and she agrees. I truly believe i have changed my ways, and outlook on life. We tell each other we love one another all the time, our sex life is no where near what it used to be, and i just wonder if she can ever forgive me. I asked her that, and she said "it takes time."

In that same conversation, she told me about how she talks to alot of old guy friends and deletes thier messages because she thinks i will get mad. I didnt get mad when she told me. I was glad she did. But she is still doing it. Last night she went out with friends, and when i came home from work she was passed out on the bed, obviously drunk. I didnt have a problem with this at all. Im glad she went oit and had some fun. But i went thru her phone just out of curiousity and there was a guys name who i never heard before. Only one text that said i cant talk right now. I look at her phone again when i got off work today and she deleted it. Should i ask her about it? Or just blow it off? I have been giving her space....but i almost feel betrayed??? Just for the fact that she is talking to other men in secret. Am i wrong here? I dont want to tell her how i feel now, because it WILL end up in a fight, and i do not want that. I havent even had a drop of alcohol since that last incedent.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

*But i went thru her phone just out of curiousity and there was a guys name who i never heard before.*
I don't think you trust her either.

Only you can figure out if that's appropriate or not... or more accurately... helpful or not.


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## "T" (Apr 17, 2012)

Is that not appropriate? She goes thru my phone at random as well. We are usually open about letting each other go on our face book and phone and email accounts, so no i didnt see a problem woth that.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Let me condition my answer on the premise that there is nothing going on or inappropriate in her behavior...

Secrets in a marriage are bad - and this is exactly why. They destroy intimacy and build suspicion. The monster you imagine is _almost_ always worse than the one that's really under your bed. 

The flip side if her behavior is above board you have to be able to react rationally when she tells you about it. If says, "I messaged with Joe - my friend from back home today" you can't fly off the handle. She should tell you what she does and you should make it easy for her to do so - you should both do this in both directions. What I know - you know. If something comes up that either of you are uncomfortable with you talk about it and work it out together - you don't hide it and you don't have a fit of anger.

So in that vein I'd tell her you looked - that's inspecting what you expect - IMO it absolutely does not indicate that you don't trust her - it's good business. If she had nothing to hide she shouldn't care. Then I'd ask her to tell you about those contacts, if something happens that you don't like, express that to her, but keep it constructive and rational - don't have an outburst - if you do she'll just stop telling you.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

"T" said:


> Is that not appropriate? She goes thru my phone at random as well. We are usually open about letting each other go on our face book and phone and email accounts, so no i didnt see a problem woth that.


Totally appropriate and a good thing for each of you to do.


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## "T" (Apr 17, 2012)

I know what you mean. I used to fly off the handle like that, but like i said i have really been working on that and havent gotten overly jealous about anything in a long time. I just know that as soon as i say "so i looked at your phone last night"........ Its going to turn into her getting extremely defensive about me not trusting her. That is a road that i dont want to cross anymore, because every other time that issue came up i apologize and apologize and it almost seems like its never good enough for her....like i dont know if she can ever forgive me....i know i screwed up, but i just want the openness that we once had back.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

She can't very well get mad at you for going through her phone when she goes through yours now can she?

Don't apologize!! You're not sorry - are you? When you're apologizing as you describe above you're only apologizing for the fact she's upset - that's apologizing for the way she feels. You can't apologize for that - she owns it. If you do something she does to you and it upsets her - that's her problem. 

Tell her you looked because you're curious, because you want to know what's going on in her life. Don't apologize and don't lose your temper if she gets defensive. 

Honestly, if after she's had a brief chance to adjust to the idea that you feel no need to apologize, she's still defensive then I'd start to get a little concerned - and I'd tell her this - calmly and without accusation.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its going to be hard to have that kind of openess, when she keeps deleting the secrets in her life.

I suggest if she also wants this openess then she stop deleting msg. but if this openness is one sided like it sound like it is, then you have your work cut out.

Have you looked at the online account there my be more deleting then saving and that would be a great concern.

Quitly do your investiagtion so as to confirm or deny what your gut is telling.


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## "T" (Apr 17, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> She can't very well get mad at you for going through her phone when she goes through yours now can she?
> 
> Don't apologize!! You're not sorry - are you? When you're apologizing as you describe above you're only apologizing for the fact she's upset - that's apologizing for the way she feels. You can't apologize for that - she owns it. If you do something she does to you and it upsets her - that's her problem.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the advice. I apologize for the way i acted in the past, and she still cant say "i forgive you." That is what scares me the most i believe, but i will try it out.


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

Jeff/BC said:


> *But i went thru her phone just out of curiousity and there was a guys name who i never heard before.*
> I don't think you trust her either.
> QUOTE]
> 
> ...


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Jeff/BC said:


> That is what I describe trust:
> 
> Assured reliance on the truth of someone; you have confidence in someone. You believe, you trust what the other person is saying to you without making sure she is saying the true...


I agree with your above, but why does that mean you shouldn't inspect what you expect? How can it be bad business to periodically openly verify that what you believe is accurate. I did say openly, there is a difference between checking openly (transparency) and hiding your actions (spying). The former should (IMO) be part of a healthy relationship, the latter reserved for when there is cause to believe there maybe an issue. 

IMO opinion blind trust is negligent.


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> I agree with your above, but why does that mean you shouldn't inspect what you expect? How can it be bad business to periodically openly verify that what you believe is accurate. I did say openly, there is a difference between checking openly (transparency) and hiding your actions (spying). The former should (IMO) be part of a healthy relationship, the latter reserved for when there is cause to believe there maybe an issue.
> 
> IMO opinion blind trust is negligent.


Hi.
Well, it's just an opinion. Of course if both of you agreed to inspect openly, I guess it's fine, then...
I don't know, I guess I do have to verify if my husband is lying to me or not. I believe what is telling me and if one day I discover it's not true than bye bye to you. I did that once verify if my believe was accurate. First, it was right, and I felt really bad to do that... I knew I was looking, but I felt it was wrong to not trust deeply my partner... You know, stress, angry, doubt,... , all those feelings are there too, and I do not want to deal with them.
What about just being happy and trust the process?


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

"T" said:


> Is that not appropriate? She goes thru my phone at random as well. We are usually open about letting each other go on our face book and phone and email accounts, so no i didnt see a problem woth that.


I can't speak to "appropriate" in anyone else's marriage. In addition, the context of each marriage is different so what works in one doesn't in another. Add 900 other disclaimers. That all being said...

Carol certainly can go through all my stuff. I doubt she ever has. I certainly never have with her stuff. Neither of us sees the need. Had I walked in on Carol sleeping and I had some question, I'd have just waited till she woke up. Then I wouldn't have to try to interpret 3 word texts. I could just get the actual answer to whatever my question was. It's that you felt that 3 word text messages are a better source of info than her lips.

Why don't you wish to ask her the obvious questions you now have?

@Sigma
I DO verify and inspect. The difference here is that I think the most trustworthy source of information is Carol's mouth. So when I wish to verify and inspect something, I ask her questions.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Jeff/BC said:


> @Sigma
> I DO verify and inspect. The difference here is that I think the most trustworthy source of information is Carol's mouth. So when I wish to verify and inspect something, I ask her questions.


All things being equal I completely agree, but that doesn't mean that I don't pick up my wife's phone periodically just to see who she's communicating with. I'm just wired that way, I check on her - she doesn't care. My wife isn't wired that way, she doesn't check on me - I wouldn't care in the least if she did. The really ironic part is that between the two of us I'm the one that had an emotional affair. 

I never said I wouldn't ask a question if I found something that concerned me or that I wouldn't be willing to believe the answer. That's really the ultimate goal of checking on each other - to get actions or things that concern you out in the open and discussed between you so there is less chance for misunderstanding or something invading your marriage. It's about transparency - not spying.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

First and most importantly, if either you or your wife is doing something the other is uncomfortable with (ie, communicating with opposite sex friends without the other knowing) that is an issue.

Personally, if my wife was deleting texts from MEN, that would be a red flag for me even if the conversations are completely innocent. A positive note is that she did tell you about this

You may want to view her cell phone bill with her and look at the volume of texts and calls and who they are to/from. Be prepared to let her see your usage too. 

If you see alot of communications on her account to alot of male friends, ask her to tell you how she'd feel if your records showed all types of messages/calls to females.

as others have said above, it should all be about 100% transparency


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I see a LOT of red flags here.

Am I correct in assuming that you are both quite young? The behavior on BOTH your parts has tended towards immaturity (hear me out and don't get defensive, I'm just trying to approach this rationally.) The immaturity is understandable if you are young, you both have growing up to do. This isn't a slam, it's just a fact.

Your immaturity is borne out by your excessive jealousy and fit of rage. You have worked hard to overcome your jealousy, attempted to think/act rationally on subsequent occasions, and apologized sincerely for your behavior. I applaud your excellent attempts to change, grow, become more mature.

Wife's immaturity is borne out by her talking about and comparing you to ex's (this is high-school behavior). She continues to call/text old guy friends (ex-BFs, ex-friends, etc.) and is secretive about it. She is a married woman and needs to conduct herself as such. Flirting with guys (or women) when you're married is dangerous and stupid. Nothing good can come of it (other than a momentary ego-boost.)

Although married, she is still going out with friends (that's okay), getting drunk (not okay), texting/calling guys when she's out getting drunk with friends (so NOT okay.)

You two need MC in the worst way! Your wife is still behaving like a high school girl and you're her current BF, not her husband. Should you be suspicious? I think so. Her judgement (based on her behavior) has been poor. She is headed for an affair.

Sit her down, express your concerns: about the lack of trust on both sides, the need to strengthen your communications, the amount of commitment you both have to this marriage.

This mess isn't going to get better without intervention.


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