# Need advice ..... badly



## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

My wife filed for divorce two weeks ago. Main problem is we have grown apart over the last 10 months after I got laid off from work. We have been married for 10 years and have 3 kids. I was out of work for 5 months and she grew irritated with me. I have told her little lies about when I go out with friends - "I'm going to a job interview vs. I'm going to the movies". Also when she had post partum depression after our 2nd child, she doesn't feel I was supportive enough.

Neither of us have cheated.

She says she cannot be in the same room as me and I believe that's because of those deep feelings of resentment towards me. I have been able to talk to her after being served and am still at home. We are cordial but sometimes the topic of discussion gets testy and we argue. I am trying very hard not to take this personally and to get back her trust.

I am behind saving this marriage 100%. She says she needs space. 

We've been in separate beds for months. Obviously why since the papers were filed but previous to that due to my work schedule and I didn't want to wake/bother her when I got home late.

ok, here's my question. If I ask her if I can hold her tonight (no sex) - just to show her I still care and respect her - will she be open to the suggestion? My feeling is that she will continue to resent me unless I get her to face the specific "problems" she has with what I have/haven't done and let out her emotions.

We have had lunch many times over the last 2 weeks and we talk through the problems. But when the morning comes everything is "reset" and she is distant.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

The only reason why this came to mind was I remembered back when we were younger and dating, she wanted to move quicker in the relationship and started to get physical. I suggested we just cuddle and that got a BUNCH of points from her (I found out years later) because she said it showed her I respected her.

Thanks ladies. I've read all the books and I still can't figure you girls out.


----------



## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

40 people viewing, 30 reads and nobody has any advice? Help me out here.....just give me a women's point of view.


----------



## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I hate it when I ask for advice and no one replies, so here is mine.

If the marriage is so broken that she already filed for divorce, then there is little hope. What happened that built up so much resentment? How are the kids doing? Is her depression recurring? Did you go to counseling and it failed? If she doesn't want to fix the marriage, I don't think you can force her.


----------



## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

She filed because she said we'd already been thru counseling and I didn't apply myself 110%. Kids know something is up, just not the specifics. We're still under the same roof. Just tense at times.

She is undecided about repairing the marriage. Was surprised I want to repair it.


----------



## CBW (Oct 23, 2009)

Ask her if you can lie with her. 

This seems obvious. Joblessness is a huge marriage stress. Try not to do anything permanent (like break trust and start lying) during a time like this. Another obvious: get a job. Easier said than done, but do it.


----------



## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Got a job. Looking for a better one. I hope she says yes.

I already broke the trust by lying about my whereabouts during the few months I was unemployed. I felt guilty that I could not hold up my end of the responsibility as the sole wage earner in the family. I had a good severance package, so $$ was not an issue. It was more my underestimation of the impact me being home during the day would have on her schedule. I also misjudged how telling her I was doing one thing vs. another would erode her trust in me. Since I felt guilty enough already, I didn't feel right teling her I was going to hang out with the guys so I would go and tell her I had a job interview. Bad idea. Even though this only happened 2 or 3 times, it should have NEVER happened.

If any women who filed for divorce can tell me if I am wrong/right to try this only a few weeks into the divorce process......please? I don't want to make things worse.


----------



## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

About the hardest thing for a man to do is, NOT TO FIX IT

It's like a you are in an old car and driving slowly. 

Once you apply hard pressure to the gas peddle everything about the car starts to come apart. 

Same as your relationship.

But if you slowly accelerate, the car can handle it or if you just cruise along at a good pace. The car responds nicely.

My metaphor is go easy, pressure on a woman is a sure way to have her look at you with all the parts falling apart.


----------



## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

She said NO. She said she needed space and I was not giving her any. I will be leaving tonight. Breaks my heart to do that to the kids but I am only enabling her when she decides not to come home at night and instead spend it out with friends.


----------



## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

Don't do it

Do not leave your kids

You will live a long life of regret

Yes you will

Nothing will mend them

Kids remember it forever


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I agree with Outinthecold.

Also, is there another man involved? Dollars to donuts there is.


----------



## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

She says no. I believe her.

If I don't leave and she does - which she has done already over the weekend, am I not just enabling her behavior?


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

What do you mean, enabling her behavior? You want to use the kids as an anchor instead? She has to stay home because of the kids? Keeping her home isn't going to save the marriage.

If you leave, you're making her exit too easy. She has to deal with the situation that is in front of her.

And do some snooping. People involved with someone else during marriage rarely answer in the affirmative even when asked. If you leave and there is someone else, it will be even harder to get back in the door.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Your being out of work probably stressed her out, annoyed her but I doubt that is all there is because you are working now and she filed. I'm sure the lying and the feeling of you not being there when she needed you most are more the issue. She probably feels you do not love her enough to step up on your own...and now want to work on the marriage after she has thought this all through and decided enough is enough.

It will be difficult for her to reverse her thinking if you continue to argue and/or defend your position. The only thing that may work is to take action to better yourself. Forget getting closer and focusing on the two of you as a couple...she is harboring too much resentment right now to be able to plug in and it won't earn her respect at this point like it did in the beginning.

By take action to better yourself, I mean to step up in any way you can to better your family...full force on finding a better job...be there for your kids....if she is still willing to talk over lunch, etc....be her emotional support...let her vent w/o getting defensive...be there for her and see if she will begin to open up. This will require a lot of patience but you may give her a reason to question her decision to file and that's where you need to build from at this point.


----------



## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

All good suggestions.

What I meant is that she's acting like we are already divorced. She will leave the house unannounced because she knows I will take care of the kids and then she doesn't say where she went. So, if I stay, she will continue on this behavior.

I have had lunches with her and think we make progress, then that evening or the next day it's like the last talk never even happened because I'm in her space. I can't even sleep in a different room apparently.

My biggest concern right now if the looming court date that is mere weeks away. I know the divorce won't be finalized for 6 months, but what about that date? Is there any hope in asking her to reconsider and giving us another chance if she just pulls the papers so were not held to that date? She can always file again.

I accept responsibility for not putting enough into the relationship when she gave her "signs" but it's not fair that she just ups and blindsides me with the papers. What about a trial separation? Geez. We both made mistakes, so why does it feel like I'm the only one being persecuted for mine?


----------



## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

The papers come at the end.

She had enough weeks, months, years ago.

You have to face it, first in, first out, last in, last out.

Now, you must protect your children, you must protect yourself.

You have a future.


----------



## SM-soconfused (Oct 24, 2009)

im currently thinking of divorcing my husband, im not happy at all, and that is the very last thing Id want to be asked, but im sure she is a differant person, thot id share tho. sorry bout your loss, things will get better. good luck to you.


----------



## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Do yourself a favor and talk to him about it. He is clueless. I was.

What would you want him to do/say to help address your concerns/issues about the relationship?


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Help239 said:


> All good suggestions.
> 
> What I meant is that she's acting like we are already divorced. She will leave the house unannounced because she knows I will take care of the kids and then she doesn't say where she went. So, if I stay, she will continue on this behavior.


You need to make it absolutely clear that she cannot leave unannounced because IT IS NOT POLITE. What if you have plans? You aren't her built-in babysitter. Tell her if it happens again then you'd prefer she not come home.




> I have had lunches with her and think we make progress, then that evening or the next day it's like the last talk never even happened because I'm in her space. I can't even sleep in a different room apparently.


That's her problem. Don't make it yours.




> My biggest concern right now if the looming court date that is mere weeks away. I know the divorce won't be finalized for 6 months, but what about that date? Is there any hope in asking her to reconsider and giving us another chance if she just pulls the papers so were not held to that date? She can always file again.


Or, you can get divorced and she can reconsider afterward. You wouldn't be the first couple to remarry...




> I accept responsibility for not putting enough into the relationship when she gave her "signs" but it's not fair that she just ups and blindsides me with the papers. What about a trial separation? Geez. We both made mistakes, so why does it feel like I'm the only one being persecuted for mine?


I'm telling you, there's someone else, that's why. Why do you think she leaves w/o telling you?


----------



## Tiffany24 (Oct 27, 2009)

I think that you should give her sometime to figure out what she wants to do. If she really loves you she will give it annother try


----------



## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

This may not be true 100% of the time but there does seem to me to be some coorelation with "I do know if I want to work on the marriage" or "I don't want to discuss our problems" and a spouse who has some greener grass that their looking at. I'm not saying that it is always true but omg if I haven't heard these words myself and have seen them on threads here before. 

She probably also doesn't feel she has to let you know where she is going or explain herself to you. She very well may be innocent in her actions and is ust plain fed up with your behavior. It could be a number of things but it does always shock me that a unhappy spouse flat out doesn't want to work on the marriage and just wants a divorce.

Divorce has got to be one of the ugliest, heartwrenching experiences I have ever gone thru. Has my life gone in a positive direction since my own divorce? Yes. But it has also left its deep scars on both of us, my ex and I. Plus, now that my own divorce is done (wife ended up cheating badly), now she wants me back and says she has made so many mistakes and didnt want it to end this way.... I really wish people would at least give their marriages ever chance possible before they reach a point of no return or cause so much damage that there isn't any turning back.


----------



## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

I'm giving her time but the court date is approaching fast.

Yes, it's rude to not tell me where she's going or if she's coming back. But, that's her choice, not mine.

She's still emotionally attached to me. That's wy I believe there isn't a EA.

I really hope she doesn't wait until the last minute to change her mind and drag everyone thru the pain.


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

In what way is she emotionally attached?

Further, you've heard of people being torn between two lovers? (Feeling like a fool...) It is possible to have an attachment to >1 person at a time.

I think you are being naive.

Where is she going? Who is she with? If you needed to contact her, could you? If something happened to one of the kids, for instance.

Anyway, you're allowing her to go out at any time w/o saying a word. I bet you haven't done that to her once yet, have you, to give her a taste for what it is like. Because you're the bigger person. 

But have you at least given her hell for going out w/o a word and no indication of when she'll be home? Have you told her that it is unacceptable? What has she said?

My ex- and I lived together actually, until a few months after the divorce was final. But neither of us went out w/o a word. And quite frankly, if that's how she is treating you, I'm not sure how you can say she's emotionally attached to you. She isn't even courteous.


----------



## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

She's only doing that to get space. It was either her leaving or me. I might be naive but I believe she just needs to get away and think. I am not going to jump to any conclusions.

Yes, she has her cell phone if I need to get in touch with her.


----------



## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Found out a week ago she's seeing another man for over a month. I am at a loss for words.....she hasn't been home in almost 2 weeks.


----------



## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Back when she was at home, I did confront her about leaving without telling the kids goodnight or reading them a story. I also said it was not right for her to just take off without letting me know when she was coming back or what she was doing. This was before I found out about the OM.

Her response was "I don't need to tell you what I'm doing. When I filed, we are no longer responsible for one another". She believes that the paperwork has given her this freedom to have a mid-life crisis.

And no, I have never just taken off and not come home until the next day. I would not do that to her or the kids.


----------



## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

You're done. Make her tell the kids what is happening - they need to hear it from HER first. And make her do it in front of you so she can't just blame everything on you. She also needs to admit to the affair in front of you and the kids. Everything needs to be out in the open.

Then tell her to pack up and leave - right then.

She was cheating. This was not about you.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Do not pull the kids into this. They need to hear the TWO of you saying that you have decided to end the marriage. There is ABSOLUTELY NO VALUE in having kids hear about her affair, etc. Besides, the OM and the cheating are not the 'cause' of the marital breakdown although they do inhibit any chance of repair to the marriage. The marital breakdown led to her looking elsewhere (not condoning that). Please, for your kids' sake, understand that despite your horrible pain, you cannot try to make them hate or blame their mother--THAT is the part of divorce that is devastating to kids. REad up and you'll find I'm right. 

SVEN, you need to get your head out of your ass and learn about things before mouthing off. You will do some child serious damage if you think that is how to handle a broken marriage with children involved. Just b/c your wife left you (or whatever), it does NOT make her a bad mother in any way. You need to figure that out or your own kids will suffer for a lifetime.


----------



## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

I understand about the kids. I cannot believe my wife doesn't understand that having the OM around and texting/talking to him HUNDREDS of times sabotages anything I do or say.


----------



## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Surprise, wife came back after being gone for 2 weeks. Said she wanted to get back into a routine and stop worrying about the process. The old me would've been confused and maybe even think she's trying to reconcile. The new me sees through this ploy and she's just trying to undo some of the damage to her case after abandoning the kids for 2 weeks.

Not taking the bait, I set some ground rules. No texting, emailing, or calling the OM while under our roof - it's disrespectful. She chuckled but agreed. I also explained the financial situation and made it clear when this goes through to the end she will need to find employment. If the joint account is underwater now, only 1 week after payday, what do you think it will look like when you have your freedom? I told her she probably won't want to call me for money every 2 weeks.

What do you guys think? Did I do the right thing?


----------



## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

Is there such a thing as the right thing?

You have to decide for yourself, sorry.

No rules, no timeouts, no end of game, no hail Mary.

You decide how much deception you can take?
You decide your love is worth more than hers is?
You decide how much infidelity you can stomach?
You decide how important she is to the children?
You decide if your marriage is worth going on?
You, You, You

From an outside sanitary scale purely weighted by facts, if justice is rendered blind.

The scale tips towards divorce.

Ask yourself some questions:
Can I trust her? now? future?
What real reason do I want her back?
Have you taken a hard look at her?
Can you see yourself spending the next bazillion years with her?
Do you really love her? 
Do you see her for what she is now? not for who she was.

Like they say, "Somebody is happy in a divorce, there is always another guy/gal, always"


----------



## Imlost (Nov 23, 2009)

I think maybe there's someone else.....she leave sthe house unannounced.....she is herself and coridal during lunches and distant in the mornings......sorryt o say it but I think she is guilty of seeing someone else....

ic ould be totally wrong though - I am no expert at this whole marriage thing that's for sure....


----------



## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Yes, I found that out last Thursday ....


----------



## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

I wouldn't let her back in. And I would still make HER tell the kids why you are splitting up.

Several people here say "Keep the kids out of it". Well..they are involved in it. There's no way NOT to have them included. When mom is missing, they will want to know.

Honesty is the best policy - tell the kids what's happening. Keep them informed. Make sure they know you love them and it wasn't YOUR choice that their mother was leaving.

I did this with my kids. Until then I had this enormous burden that they were going to blame me for what was going on. There is no way I'm letting my wife cheat on me and leaving me with the blame (which is what she wanted to do).


----------



## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

I don't carry that burden. If things do not improve and we do not reconcile, one day when they are older I will tell them what really happened. Mom had a mid-life crisis and had an affair. She blamed me for everything and kicked me to the side of the road. I still wanted to forgive her and keep our family together and work on our relationship. But she was too far gone and full of guilt. So she decided there was no turning back and we split. Of course it was all my fault.....in her eyes.


----------



## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Had an interesting conversation with her last night for a few hours. She let me know how I have hurt her in recent weeks and what she has done in reaction to those events. Everytime I screw up it benefits the OM. I hope we're turning a corner here. I told her I was here if she needed a shoulder and that she doesn't need a cheating husband as a confidant. If she continues down this path, it will lead to disaster.


----------



## Ditajr (Nov 24, 2009)

Sven said:


> I wouldn't let her back in. And I would still make HER tell the kids why you are splitting up.
> 
> Several people here say "Keep the kids out of it". Well..they are involved in it. There's no way NOT to have them included. When mom is missing, they will want to know.
> 
> ...


Umm...I don't think this is the best advice. Kids of that age are not capable of understanding adult things and they shouldn't be put in a situation like that, especially by a parent. As they get older, they will be more able to understand how adult relationships work. Until then, I would simply tell them that you two are not going to be together anymore and that you both love them and none of it is their fault. Kids are usually happy with a simple explanation.


----------



## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

Don't ever involve the kids.

I say again DON'T EVER INVOLVE THE KIDS

At any age, the kids will hurt from anything negative you have to say about their mother.

Keep it to yourself

Take the high road

Always say to them, "Your mother loves you"

Keep in mind the marriage was between you and her. 

All information about that is still between you and her.

You never want to stand in the way of what they need. 

Your kids need both their parents.

Take the high road, the kids will respect you and love you for it, now and in the future.


----------



## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

I do, and they don't know. I only confided in the 13 year old because she knew something was up. I didn't tell her everything and I didn't blame her mother.


----------



## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

I told her tonight I'm moving on with or without her. She knows where I stand and which path I'd prefer. But I cannot continue to be in a holding pattern waiting for her to end the affair. I told her I'd always care about her but that I need to move forward.


----------



## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Well truth be told id love to be in your shoes right now her feelings towards you are a lot like my wifes right now except im kicked out and stuck at my parents house she has said i love you but not in love with you stuff as well to top it all off , you want to gain her trust then id suggest supporting any ideas she has and i say this cause if you agree then you take the sails of resentment out of her sails amd get through the roots of the problems she is pulling away cause of certain things like disagreeing with her if you let her have her way and on her terms you save yourself a lot of hassle and bring things together faster im not good at this either but i do no it works i have been trying it for about only 2-3weeks now and she went from not even talking to me on the phone to suddenly talking and laughing even at times as of recently.
And for you its even better cause you are in the same house where she can see you all the time for me i am lucky to talk on the phone let alone spend any time with my wife where she can see the positives in change.. also keep in mind you might bit a hole in your lip sometimes but if your 100% behind working things out then you must make the difference, sometimes doing what feels wrong to your emotions is the right choice and brings anger and resentment down to where she feels she can be open again and trust you with everything also you need to just keep up with romantic acts dont over do it though i did that it dont work i spent almost 2500 in a few weeks sucking up and it just made her mad you got to surprize her with it take and do things she wouldnt expect like she leaves make her a dinner she loves and put down a candle if she gets upset over it just blow it off you cant let the negative side show you got to stay upbeat and work for it if you really want it to work and still it might not be enough but you can say you did everything in the end


----------



## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

She came home at 4a she decided to place a call FROM HOME and I heard her from our sons room. I heard the conversation. She had spent the last 6 hours at his place. Normally this would anger me but the conversation was stupid. Yes stupid. Filled with a lot of empty words like uh, so, what, and not much else. Everytime he said something sweet she said nothing. He made plans to take her somewhere and she said maybe. It became crystal clear to me she was just using him because she needs emotional support.

I took a HUGE leap of faith and got up outta bed and knocked on the door. She let me in. We talked for 3 hours. It was great. We laughed, we relived past memories, it was surreal. The point is I simply confronted her with the fact that I listen in - and she wasn't mad because I wasn't mad. 

I said that conversation didn't sound like you were commited to anything. You sound distracted, like you are settling for him because you have nowhere else to turn. She no holds NO power of me about what is happening with him. NONE. She can leave at any time and I will not think about whatever she's doing. There is no longer any mystery.

As we were going over various high points of our lives, she would interject points that upset her - but do it nicely. I would not explain these away but instead apologize if I thought I reacted incorrectly or angrily. We laughed at events we've experienced as a couple and as parents. We even laughed at the things the OM said in the phone call - he laid it on thick and she bought it - until I pointed out what he said from an outsider and it became clear what he was trying to do is manipulate her.

---------------------------------------------------------------
What I need right now is a woman's perspective -
---------------------------------------------------------------

How should I proceed from here? I suggested a mini week of with the kids to continue our discussion. She said she'd think about it.

I know she still has "feelings" for him but they are superficial. So, I know she will continue to text and call him but I don't care. Until she decides to commit to repairing our marriage, she can talk to him as much as she likes.

It's hard to explain from my perspective, but I guess the not knowing is what was killing me. Not knowing if she loves him. Not knowing if they've gotten physical. Not knowing where she goes. Now that I know the answers, I do not feel threatened by him so she has lost her power over me. If she decides to take it to the next level with him, she knows where I stand and the consequences of that action. This was not true 2 months ago when she filed. She had plenty of time to convince herself I was dirt, but wasn't open to hearing my side of things.


----------



## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

As it turns out, that conversation was a HUGE mistake. Once again, she was just manipulating me. The next day was one of the worst days since she filed for divorce. We are hardly on speaking terms now. It confused me, but she only used that conversation to gather information from me. It's almost like she's not entirely there mentally. Sort of creepy.


----------

