# Husband claims I am not affectionate



## sweetsting00

My husband and I have been together 9 years and have been fighting over this for 6. He claims I am not affectionate and that I am not attracted to him, we are just friends and I don't love him. 
I do love him and I don't want him to leave me. But I rarely want to hug or kiss him. Like maybe 1 hug a week. We have sex 2 times a week, about every 3 or 4 days. I only do this to keep him happy. If I go longer than 4 days he starts getting depressed and mad at me. We have gone to counseling and that didn't help. He is threatening to leave me if I don't change. 
So am I suppose to just suck it up, pretend to want to have sex and force myself to hug and kiss him more to keep the peace?
Please help... I can't talk to my mom about this and I do not have any close friends.


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## TCSRedhead

This is how he feels, not what he claims. That needs to be the first adjustment in your thinking. As you do love him, you need to care about how he feels and what you can do to make that better. 

There is a book called The 5 Love Languages that can help with this. For instance, my husband likes to hear that I love him - words are important and make him feel loved desired. For me, physical affection and touch make me feel that way. I tell him how I feel about him as often as I can to show him I love him and in return, he makes sure to show me physical affection to let me know he loves me.


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## WorkingOnMe

If you had said you had been together 22 years, I would have thought you were my wife. Sigh. I know exactly how your husband feels. If I had any good advice on this then I'd have taken it myself, so sadly I don't know what to tell you. Other than, if you truly are just like my wife, don't talk to your mom about it, because she's the same way.


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## dormant

Yeah! In the same boat here with my wife. Married 13 years.


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## IsGirl3

up until a year or so ago (after almost 30 years) you could have been me, except that my H and I are always affectionate, saying I love you, hugging. But the sex part was how I felt. Not interested at all.

Now I attribute my lack of interest in the fact that he isn't/wasn't the greatest lover and I didn't get much out of it.

Were you ever interested in sex? One thing that totally got my drive back was reading erotica. That totally turned me back on. I want that hot sex. The problem is that things are the same in the bedroom, but now I'm working on my communication skills and trying to let my H know what I want different.

It's like a switch in the brain that got turned on for me. Sounds like you need to be more open minded and try new things in the BR that can spice it up a bit. Try, for your husband's sake, for your marriage's sake, to have an interest in sex.


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## Amplexor

Read The 5 Love Languages. It is very possible your husband's is physical touch. From your post it is obvious that yours is not. Speaking different "languages" is not uncommon. My wife and I have different ones. But we understand what is important to each other and make sure we speak to each other in their language.


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## hawx20

Are you my wife? Seriously? Shes not internet savvy at all so I know she would never find this place, but you sound exactly like her so maybe I can give you some insight on how your husband feels.

First, if someone put a gun to your husbands head and said you have to answer correctly or the gun will go off - Does your wife truly love you...he honestly would not know what answer to go with. He truly does not know.

Second, actions speak louder than words. You can tell him you love him but hugs, kisses, affection, sex speak louder to us than mere words. A spontaneous hug/kiss from my wife makes me feel more loved than words ever could.

Third, he doesnt want to leave you. He loves you but you make him feel unloved and that hurts. You make him feel like you just put up with him for whatever reason and he doesnt feel wanted or needed. 

Believe me, word for word, you sound like my wife and i feel like your husband. Its uncanny. I've told her if things dont change I would leave. Why? Because her actions make me unhappy. I want to feel loved by my wife. I want be affectionate and feel affection from my wife. If I cant get that, why be married? I'll just find some woman to be a room mate with. 

Bottom line, he says he will leave you because he is hurt. Your lack of affection makes him question why you are that way with him. Its hard to understand that thats just the way you are. He is wondering what it is about him that makes you not want to love him. The easiest explanation to him is you dont love him.

Like I said, word for word, this sounds like us. So my question to you is....why dont you feel the need to hug/kiss your husband and have sex with him. What is the problem? I asked my wife the same question and didnt get an answer.


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## anotherguy

Amplexor said:


> Read The 5 Love Languages. It is very possible your husband's is physical touch. From your post it is obvious that yours is not. Speaking different "languages" is not uncommon. My wife and I have different ones. But we understand what is important to each other and make sure we speak to each other in their language.


:iagree:

I have not read this - but from what I know about it - it explains plenty about how people percieve affection and receive self worth. Try it. There was some simple 5 minute web test around here somewhere. Can give you a quick idea about how you 2 might differ and can be fun to try.

I think this is one of them:
******* | Take The 5 Love Languages Test


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## 3Xnocharm

sweetsting00 said:


> My husband and I have been together 9 years and have been fighting over this for 6. He claims I am not affectionate and that I am not attracted to him, we are just friends and I don't love him.
> I do love him and I don't want him to leave me. But I rarely want to hug or kiss him. Like maybe 1 hug a week. We have sex 2 times a week, about every 3 or 4 days. I only do this to keep him happy. If I go longer than 4 days he starts getting depressed and mad at me. We have gone to counseling and that didn't help. He is threatening to leave me if I don't change.
> So am I suppose to just suck it up, pretend to want to have sex and force myself to hug and kiss him more to keep the peace?
> Please help... I can't talk to my mom about this and I do not have any close friends.


Do you know WHY you dont want to show affection? Is this just how your personality has always been, or is there something about your husband that has put you off?


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## sweetsting00

I don't get any satisfaction out of hugs, kisses, sex. It does nothing for me.When we first met this was not an issue. I think it was all so new and we were young, I was looking for a husband and wanting kids. Now I have all that and the need for sex is gone. 

I have heard a lot about that book but I don't think I have a love language. I don't think I feel the need to be loved. As long as he brings home a paycheck and protects our family and home, I am happy. He is a great husband and father, he helps me around the house and takes up a lot of time with the kids. I just have no physical attraction to him or anyone in the world for that matter.


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## sweetsting00

I have never been very affectionate. My parents never hugged me when I was kid. We thought that may be part of the issue.


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## WorkingOnMe

sweetsting00 said:


> I don't get any satisfaction out of hugs, kisses, sex. It does nothing for me.When we first met this was not an issue. I think it was all so new and we were young, I was looking for a husband and wanting kids. Now I have all that and the need for sex is gone.
> 
> I have heard a lot about that book but I don't think I have a love language. I don't think I feel the need to be loved. As long as he brings home a paycheck and protects our family and home, I am happy. He is a great husband and father, he helps me around the house and takes up a lot of time with the kids. I just have no physical attraction to him or anyone in the world for that matter.


Just what a guy wants to hear. As long as he continues to bring home a paycheck you'll be happy to keep spending it. As long as you don't have to be grateful or loving in any way.


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## Amplexor

sweetsting00 said:


> . As long as he brings home a paycheck and protects our family and home, I am happy. He is a great husband and father, he helps me around the house and takes up a lot of time with the kids.


Then it is possible your language is "Acts of Service" which is fine. But if he doesn't understand that he won't try and improve on it. If you are both speaking to each other in the proper language deeper affection can grow. I'd still suggest you read the book.


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## dormant

Sounds like he needs to get out.


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## Thoreau

sweetsting00 said:


> I don't get any satisfaction out of hugs, kisses, sex. It does nothing for me.When we first met this was not an issue. I think it was all so new and we were young, I was looking for a husband and wanting kids. Now I have all that and the need for sex is gone.
> 
> I have heard a lot about that book but I don't think I have a love language. I don't think I feel the need to be loved. As long as he brings home a paycheck and protects our family and home, I am happy. He is a great husband and father, he helps me around the house and takes up a lot of time with the kids. I just have no physical attraction to him or anyone in the world for that matter.


Bait and switch. Please leave him and let him find the love and happiness he deserves.


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## GTdad

One hug a week. You're doing better than my wife, but not by much.

And no, I don't think she loves me either. I suck it up for my kids, but it wouldn't take much more than a strong breeze to push this marriage off the edge.

Don't be us. If your husband needs physical affection to feel loved, then for God's sake hug him, kiss him, and even take him to bed once in a while. 

Unless you don't in fact love him, in which case he needs to know so he can make some intelligent choices about his future.


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## WorkingOnMe

Amplexor said:


> Then it is possible your language is "Acts of Service" which is fine. But if he doesn't understand that he won't try and improve on it. If you are both speaking to each other in the proper language deeper affection can grow. I'd still suggest you read the book.


But Amp, doesn't it sound like he is providing her with all the acts of service but she still doesn't feel anything for him? If her love language is acts of service and he's doing all the things she says make her happy then where does that leave him now?


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## sweetsting00

So am I not in love with him? Are we really just friends? 

I have told him he can leave me so that he can be happy with someone that will give him more attention and he got upset and said we need to work this out.


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## sweetsting00

WorkingOnMe said:


> But Amp, doesn't it sound like he is providing her with all the acts of service but she still doesn't feel anything for him? If her love language is acts of service and he's doing all the things she says make her happy then where does that leave him now?


That is what I am worried about. He does everything right and I still don't have those feelings. I love him and I appreciate it but it doesn't "turn me on".


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## Amplexor

WorkingOnMe said:


> But Amp, doesn't it sound like he is providing her with all the acts of service but she still doesn't feel anything for him? If her love language is acts of service and he's doing all the things she says make her happy then where does that leave him now?


True however the concept of love languages is not obvious to many couples. While he may be providing some of those needs for her she needs to understand his needs. She doesn't understand that affection is what he needs to feel loved and valued. But she is also blessed that her husband by nature is providing hers. If she can understand that she can take steps to improve.


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## WorkingOnMe

I'm going to leave this thread alone because it's triggering me badly. I wish you both good luck.


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## Faithful Wife

sweetsting...Please just divorce your husband and let him go free to find someone who loves him. It doesn't matter that he said to you "we should work this out". The fact is, you have no desire to "work it out" and he should be free to find someone who wants what he wants. By the same token, you should be free to look for a man who wants to provide for you and your kids but who doesn't want sex or affection. Good luck with that.


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## sweetsting00

Amplexor said:


> True however the concept of love languages is not obvious to many couples. While he may be providing some of those needs for her she needs to understand his needs. She doesn't understand that affection is what he needs to feel loved and valued. But she is also blessed that her husband by nature is providing hers. If she can understand that she can take steps to improve.


What could I do to fix me? I know I need to change for him but I don't know how.


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## sweetsting00

I don't mind the honest and harsh comments. If I am a horrible wife then I need to know.


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## Faithful Wife

You may be a horrible wife (just based on this one point), but we don't know if you are a horrible person or not. If you do love your husband, you should set him free to pursue a better relationship. Don't keep him trapped in a sexless, affectionateless marriage. This is a fate worse than death to some people. Don't give him false hope by saying "you'll try". Just let him go.


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## Thoreau

Yes, I think you are a bad wife. You knew exactly what you wanted going into this marriage. A paycheck, kids, and a good father for them. I'm sure you didn't communicate this to him.

He wanted something entirely different. A friend, a partner, a lover, and a mother for his children. He wanted someone to spend his life with, to raise a family with, to grow with and fall more in love with each passing day.

You have made your marriage a lie. Yes, you are a terrible wife.


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## Amplexor

sweetsting00 said:


> What could I do to fix me? I know I need to change for him but I don't know how.


Start by reading the book. If you can better understand the concept you can both take steps to improve. Maybe Acts of Service is not your language and he is missing the mark. If you don't feel loved it impedes your ability to connect with him and speak his. You are taking some shots from members here because you appear to be a taker. You are blessed to have a husband who appears to give so much to the marriage and kids. By all means try and improve love between you. The 5 Love Languages might be a good start.


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## hawx20

sweetsting00 said:


> I just have no physical attraction to him or anyone in the world for that matter.



Care to elaborate? I can see not having physical attraction for him, but to say no one is hard to understand


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## sweetsting00

hawx20 said:


> Care to elaborate? I can see not having physical attraction for him, but to say no one is hard to understand


I don't find anyone else attractive. There are some movie stars I think are cute but that is about it. But it is more of a he is cute like she is a pretty lady. Nothing sexual.


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## hawx20

Perhaps you have a medical issue?


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## sweetsting00

Thoreau said:


> Yes, I think you are a bad wife. You knew exactly what you wanted going into this marriage. A paycheck, kids, and a good father for them. I'm sure you didn't communicate this to him.
> 
> He wanted something entirely different. A friend, a partner, a lover, and a mother for his children. He wanted someone to spend his life with, to raise a family with, to grow with and fall more in love with each passing day.
> 
> You have made your marriage a lie. Yes, you are a terrible wife.



I promise I wasn't thinking about that when we got married. It just kind of happened. 
We are best friends, we have no other issues. We get along great in all other areas. I have been faithful and honest even when he was overseas for a year. I clean the house the way he likes it, I buy him things like tickets to his favorite band. Like I said before, I even have sex 2 times a week with him. But he says it isn't enough to just do it, he wants me to WANT to do it.


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## sweetsting00

hawx20 said:


> Perhaps you have a medical issue?


I have talked to my doctors about it. The tested my hormone levels and said they were fine. I just stopped taking birth control 2 months ago to see if that helps, no change yet.


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## Amplexor

sweetsting00 said:


> But he says it isn't enough to just do it, he wants me to WANT to do it.


That is pretty much true across our gender.


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## sweetsting00

I have a really bad memory, he is my memory for me. He told me that a few years ago while I was pregnant with our second child that I did want him and gave lots of affection. 
I go back to my doctor again next month and I am going to ask to be tested again for some chemical imbalance.


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## Lostinthis

next month ??? you should wait another year!!!! let that man boil

Just leave the man to find a better wife. you sound like my wife too. I am leaving her for good. 
It was all about her and the kids , house , cars......
never about me . I just had to stick around cos of my background and kids. but after reading no more nice guy and married man sex life. I am no longer living like this and I deserve better. 
can't live this selfish life anymore. only different that she had an affair and we got separated but after dating 2 million SOPs. She wants what we had before.
Hope you are not digging for any affair and go read books or IC? Men don't usually ask for much. we wants to feel love and affection. How hard is it?????????????????
Here . simple task. IF does bother you seeing your man with another women then do something about it ASAP...........


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## IsGirl3

i can't believe you told your husband you'd be fine if he left you for another woman. what can be worse for a man's ego and self-respect than to hear that. he must be in terrible pain. it's good to hear that you want to try to make things better, and I'm sure your husband wants a real effort and not a pretend one. if you can't muster it up in yourself to show your husband a little love, then set him free. I'm sure this will kill him. he's with you despite knowing that he's just a paycheck. he's a great dad and provider. you need to somehow dig deep down inside and resurrect those younger feelings you once had for him if you care for him and want to save this marriage. I know you can't be who you are not, but I can't believe you'd rather be alone than with this guy who seems to love you so much.

Maybe if you go through the motions every day, hugging, kissing, affection, your body will remember what it was like and want it again and you just need to be reprogrammed to welcome it, express it, and enjoy it.


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## norajane

sweetsting00 said:


> What could I do to fix me? I know I need to change for him but I don't know how.


Aw, sweets, you need to do this for _yourself_! You're missing out on a lot of good lovin' and joy and well-being and emotional intimacy. Sex is fun.

I think you just need to find your sexual self again. You used to be sexual and enjoyed it. I'm sure that woman is inside you somewhere. I know it's easier said than done, but before giving up, try all kinds of things to start feeling sexy again. Start with finding out what gives you sensual pleasure.


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## IsGirl3

To further what norajane said, I agree that you have to find your sexual self again. It is there buried deep under a lot of defenses and indifference. I am currently reading a book by Nicole Daedone: Slow Sex: The art and Craft of the Female Orgasm. I'm about halfway through the book and last night I read a line that made me think of you which might offer you hope.

The book is about Orgasmic Meditation and one of the outcomes of it is that it gives you more sexual energy and it creates a sexual interest that you might not have had before.

I went to a sex therapist twice because of my lack of interest in sex. I asked her if there was anything I can do or a pill I can take to increase my interest. She said no. If she told me about this book, I would have been all over it.

The difference between you and me right now is that now I am interested in sex and you aren't, but it sounds like you really really wish you liked and wanted sex. I think your marriage is worth trying new things. Your husband will be thrilled that you are making the effort and who knows, the author might be right and it will re-awaken something inside of you.


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## Deejo

You've stated pretty clearly how you feel about him. How do you feel about you?
What excites you? What are you passionate about? Do you like the way you look? Are you happy with yourself?


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## sinnister

This is a painful read.

I'm wondering if most women who are in affection less marriages feel the same way as you sweets...If they do than my marriage is clearly over.


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## sweetsting00

We talked about it for a few hours last night and agreed that separation is not the answer. I agreed to hug him and kiss him each day when he comes home from work. We think that maybe if I get into the habit of it then it will start to become natural again. I told him to remind me if I start trailing off. I asked him to communicate with me more when he is feeling this way. He also said that I have been "too busy" lately with my hobbies and he wants me to slow down a bit and spend more time at home.


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## TCSRedhead

sweetsting00 said:


> I don't get any satisfaction out of hugs, kisses, sex. It does nothing for me.When we first met this was not an issue. I think it was all so new and we were young, I was looking for a husband and wanting kids. Now I have all that and the need for sex is gone.
> 
> I have heard a lot about that book but I don't think I have a love language. I don't think I feel the need to be loved. As long as he brings home a paycheck and protects our family and home, I am happy. He is a great husband and father, he helps me around the house and takes up a lot of time with the kids. I just have no physical attraction to him or anyone in the world for that matter.


It sounds like your love language is Acts of Service and Quality Time. I highly recommend reading it and committing to working it IF you value your husband and your marriage.

Withholding your partners Love Language is tantamount to abuse. How would you feel if he no longer did anything around the house to help you and spent no time with you? It would make you feel neglected and as if he did not care or love you.

That is how withholding physical affection makes him feel.


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## cantmove

I think you need to get into therapy. The fact that there was no affection in your house growing up is a big deal. Your parents never hugging you is a major red flag I think. Your need for affecton and sex drive are in there somewhere. Talking to a therapist may help you find it.


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## Zatol Ugot?

Don't really have much else to add to this thread but as I read I thought "Wow, you couldn't ask for a better example of a lot of the complaints that men talk about." I'm actually a little surprised that this thread didn't throw more heat toward the OP. Not that I think there should have been. Just saying I expected more.


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## Zatol Ugot?

cantmove said:


> I think you need to get into therapy. The fact that there was no affection in your house growing up is a big deal. Your parents never hugging you is a major red flag I think. Your need for affecton and sex drive are in there somewhere. Talking to a therapist may help you find it.


LOVE your avatar BTW.


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## cone

SweetSting00,

You have expectations in your marriage. You want him to bring home the paycheck, etc. What would happen if he simply "didn't feel like it" and stopped? Would you feel like you were not being fulfilled and want to end the marriage?
He probably feels this and still doesn't want to end it. 
My point is that you cannot take and not give... what each of you need will not be the same and the very definition of marriage means he is not expecting anything un-reasonable from it.


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## Catherine602

Your husband sounds like a good man who loves you very much. The fact you are concerned about this situation shows that you have some level of love for your husband and you do care. I have to ask do you love him enough to make an earnest attempt to work this out? Of many other things, love means that his pain and unhappiness is yours. 

He is in a lot of pain now because of some of the unloving things you have said. Look in your heart and see if you can find the desire to ask his forgiveness. I find that his only transgression has been to love you. Should he be treated badly because of that? 

When you have sex, do you find that you enjoy it once you get into it? Is the only difficulty getting started? If so thus is not unusual. For the love of your husband who loves you, can you allow yourself to be aroused and to have passionate sex? 

You seem to view this as a conflict were someone wins and someone loses. It is not that at all. If you give you win and so does he. You get to feel his love in the only way he can express it and he gets to feel loved. Make the first move, do the right thing. Somewhere in your heart you know what you are doing is not right. You are not an intentionally cruel person are you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore

I also grew up in a family where affection wasn't shown with public displays. My parents loved us and were good parents, but as far as hugging and kissing, there wasn't a lot of that at all. They don't feel comfortable with physical affection. But I hug and kiss my husband and my children all the time. Just because I grew up that way doesn't mean that pattern has to continue with me in my own family. 

Your husband sounds like a good man and you should thank your lucky stars that he opened up to you about this issue. He's not claiming you're not affectionate.. It's not something that's in dispute. It's HIS FEELINGS. It's not something that's true or false. So listen to him and don't say "claims". Claims sounds to me like something that could be proven false but in matters of feelings, what the other person feels is what they feel. 

I feel so bad for your husband. Who wants to ASK one's spouse to hug and kiss them? That would make me feel undesired, unwanted, like a piece of furniture in the house. I know you meant well but when you said he should remind you if you're now not hugging or kissing him enough..that would also bother me. It's as if he's some checklist that you're trying to complete each day. "Did the dishes, took the children to school, hugged and kissed my husband..oh wait.. I didn't do that today, better do it when he comes home." I don't want to be on anyone's to-do list. I want it to be coming from within because they want me and love me. I know if I had to start reminding my husband to hug or kiss me, I would probably leave the marriage. I don't want anyone's pity affection or obligatory sex. If he's not into it with me then I don't want it.


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## Tall Average Guy

sweetsting00 said:


> We talked about it for a few hours last night and agreed that separation is not the answer. I agreed to hug him and kiss him each day when he comes home from work. We think that maybe if I get into the habit of it then it will start to become natural again. I told him to remind me if I start trailing off. *I asked him to communicate with me more when he is feeling this way.* He also said that I have been "too busy" lately with my hobbies and he wants me to slow down a bit and spend more time at home.


This statement likely troubled him. What do these actions really mean if you need to be reminded? He may well feel that you are putting it on him, and that you don't really want to do the work to meet his needs. Not saying you are, but understand that it may come across that way.

If he is important to you, do the work to show it. Put up your own reminders, set up a program, whatever. Put in the effort here that you appear to be putting into your hobbies and elsewhere. If he has to remind you, these efforts will actually take you backward.

_Edit_ - I should clarify that I mean reminded by him. If you set up your own reminders (on your phone or computer, calandar, whatever), that is different. It at least demonstrates that he is important enough for you take make an effort.


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## 3Xnocharm

Coffee Amore said:


> I feel so bad for your husband. Who wants to ASK one's spouse to hug and kiss them? That would make me feel undesired, unwanted, like a piece of furniture in the house. I know you meant well but when you said he should remind you if you're now not hugging or kissing him enough..that would also bother me. It's as if he's some checklist that you're trying to complete each day. "Did the dishes, took the children to school, hugged and kissed my husband..oh wait.. I didn't do that today, better do it when he comes home." I don't want to be on anyone's to-do list. I want it to be coming from within because they want me and love me. I know if I had to start reminding my husband to hug or kiss me, I would probably leave the marriage. I don't want anyone's pity affection or obligatory sex. If he's not into it with me then I don't want it.


No one wants to have to ASK for this, but some people just are not naturally affectionate! The OP has admitted she is one of those people. Sweet, I think its awesome that the two of you have had open, honest communication about this, and that you are willing to make the effort to meet his need! Especially with this is not something that is a natural thing for you to do, and I am sure your hubby appreciates it too. :smthumbup:


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## Faithful Wife

Some people are not "naturally" affectionate, that is true. And some husbands do not "naturally" want to work hard and come home to a wife who has no romantic or sexual feelings about them. Yet, he is expected to still go to work even though he "naturally" would not want to do this. And also yet, he doesn't have to be "reminded" to get up and go to work every day.

IMO, there really is no excuse other than selfishness to withhold affection from your spouse when it has been brought to your attention that you spouse needs it. If you need reminders, then you would be better off letting your husband find a wife who doesn't need reminders.


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## Thundarr

Well sweetsting I think you've confirmed his claim to be accurate that you're not affectionate. That in it's self is not a problem if you were with someone who didn't need affection. 

Making marriage work involves meeting each other's needs which it sounds like you both do partially but you're not meeting one of the important things to most people which is emotional closeness. Everyone will tell you to suck it up but your husband also has to know what you need. For one thing, the nasty dynamic where you're not affectionate which makes him insecure which lowers your attraction to him. Him threatening to leave but you thinking he won't do it probably doesn't help either. It's one thing to talk a tough game but another to stand firm. He needs to stand while he still loves you. Eventually he'll be fed up and pull away at which point you may find him emmensely attactive yet it will be too late.


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## Coffee Amore

sweetsting00 said:


> I promise I wasn't thinking about that when we got married. It just kind of happened.
> We are best friends, *we have no other issues. We get along great in all other areas. *I have been faithful and honest even when he was overseas for a year. I clean the house the way he likes it, I buy him things like tickets to his favorite band. Like I said before, I even have sex 2 times a week with him. But he says it isn't enough to just do it, he wants me to WANT to do it.


For you this lack of affection is probably 10% of your marriage. For him it's 90% of the marriage. In your original post, you mentioned that he has said he's thinking of leaving unless the situation improves. If that's what he truly said then in all honesty you can't say that you get along. You don't. In an area that is so vital to him, you aren't providing him what he needs and he's ready to leave. In my worst fights with my husband, I don't think I ever pulled out the "I'm going to leave you" card. Things would have to be pretty bad for me to say it so if your husband is like me, things must be pretty bad IN HIS OPINION.

You need to dig deep to figure out why if you love him you are unwilling to express it in the way he wants it. You also need to find out if you're truly attracted to him. Do you have any resentments or grudges against him for things he might have done long ago? You don't have to answer to me, but think about it. If this lack of affection wasn't there from the start of the relationship then something must have happened during the marriage to make you pull back from affection.

Affection is so important. I got this from His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Harley. 

_Affection is the expression of care. It symbolizes security, protection, comfort and approval -- vital ingredients in any relationship. When one spouse is affectionate toward the other, the following messages are sent: 

You are important to me. I will care for you and protect you. 

I'm concerned about the problems you face and will be there for you when you need me. 

Learn to be more affectionate 
A simple hug can say those things. And there are many other ways to show our affection: A greeting card or an "I love you" note; a bouquet of flowers; holding hands; walks after dinner; back rubs; phone calls; and conversations with thoughtful and loving expressions. All of these can effectively communicate affection. 

Affection is, for many, the essential cement of a relationship. Without it, many feel totally alienated. With it, they become emotionally bonded. If you feel terrific when your spouse is affectionate, and you feel terrible when there is not enough of it, you have the emotional need for affection_


----------



## Emerald

sweetsting00 said:


> My husband and I have been together 9 years and have been fighting over this for 6. He claims I am not affectionate and that I am not attracted to him, we are just friends and I don't love him.
> I do love him and I don't want him to leave me. But I rarely want to hug or kiss him. Like maybe 1 hug a week. We have sex 2 times a week, about every 3 or 4 days. I only do this to keep him happy. If I go longer than 4 days he starts getting depressed and mad at me. We have gone to counseling and that didn't help. He is threatening to leave me if I don't change.
> So am I suppose to just suck it up, pretend to want to have sex and force myself to hug and kiss him more to keep the peace?
> Please help... I can't talk to my mom about this and I do not have any close friends.


Do you hug anybody else? Family members or friends? 

I understand you have no desire for sex. You may be asexual. 

Are you afraid if you hug and/or kiss your husband that it will lead to sex?

I think you should hug & kiss your husband more. It is not hard & by not showing him affection, it is very selfish on your part - unless there is a physical or mental disorder that is preventing you from doing this.


----------



## sweetsting00

Coffee Amore said:


> For you this lack of affection is probably 10% of your marriage. For him it's 90% of the marriage. In your original post, you mentioned that he has said he's thinking of leaving unless the situation improves. If that's what he truly said then in all honesty you can't say that you get along. You don't. In an area that is so vital to him, you aren't providing him what he needs and he's ready to leave. In my worst fights with my husband, I don't think I ever pulled out the "I'm going to leave you" card. Things would have to be pretty bad for me to say it so if your husband is like me, things must be pretty bad IN HIS OPINION.
> 
> *You need to dig deep to figure out why if you love him you are unwilling to express it in the way he wants it. You also need to find out if you're truly attracted to him. Do you have any resentments or grudges against him for things he might have done long ago? You don't have to answer to me, but think about it. If this lack of affection wasn't there from the start of the relationship then something must have happened during the marriage to make you pull back from affection.
> *
> n[/I]


How do I do this?


----------



## sweetsting00

Emerald said:


> Do you hug anybody else? Family members or friends? * No I don't and when people touch me I don't like it. *
> 
> I understand you have no desire for sex. You may be asexual.
> 
> Are you afraid if you hug and/or kiss your husband that it will lead to sex? *Yes, I do feel this way. *
> 
> I think you should hug & kiss your husband more. It is not hard & by not showing him affection, it is very selfish on your part - unless there is a physical or mental disorder that is preventing you from doing this. *I wish I could figure that out.*


----------



## sweetsting00

What does OP mean?


----------



## Faithful Wife

OP = original poster


----------



## CH

sweetsting00 said:


> How do I do this?


Better find out before he either cheats on you or divorces you.

When a man starts complaining about this, it's close to the final warning before they pull the trigger.

Some other lady will throw sweet words into his ear and you'll eat your words one day.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

sweetsting00 said:


> My husband and I have been together 9 years and have been fighting over this for 6. He claims I am not affectionate and that I am not attracted to him, we are just friends and I don't love him.
> I do love him and I don't want him to leave me. But I rarely want to hug or kiss him. *Like maybe 1 hug a week*. We have sex 2 times a week, about every 3 or 4 days. I only do this to keep him happy. If I go longer than 4 days he starts getting depressed and mad at me. We have gone to counseling and that didn't help. He is threatening to leave me if I don't change.
> So am I suppose to just suck it up, pretend to want to have sex and force myself to hug and kiss him more to keep the peace?
> Please help... I can't talk to my mom about this and I do not have any close friends.


 I so understand the deep cravings of the Physically touching / cuddly /affectionate spouse .. being one myself ....such people feel like they are withering & slowly dying inside when their spouses want no part of this Play & enjoyment.. A hug just once a week...







!! I can't imagine the man hung on this long. 

Pretending will never satisfy him...your attitude will be written all over that....how very very .... I feel for your husband. What was it like while dating...didn't this divide become an issue then? Or was red flags of difference ignored? 



> *Coffee Amore said*: For you this lack of affection is probably 10% of your marriage. For him it's 90% of the marriage.


 How utterly true this statement is.

If you want to save this marriage...learn what is at the root....resentment issues >> 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...l-etc-how-robs-us-intimacy-we-crave-most.html Was their some physical abuse that- now turned you cold to touch? Is it not pleasurable to have your husband hold you, wrap his arms around you, comfort you, kiss you ? 

Is it an attraction issue ??? What can he do on his end to bring you closer to him?


----------



## LovesHerMan

Do you think that you could have Asperger's Syndrome? Here is a link with information about symptoms:

Asperger's Syndrome Symptoms in Children, Teens, Adults

What issues were discussed in counseling? Why do you think it did not help? You may also have depression. Have you had a medical evaluation?


----------



## Nunya Biznas

My guess is that you are depressed. Depression would account for everything you have described to us. 

Before you discount this theory please remember that depression doesn't mean "sad". It means that in general your feelings are subdued or muted. No strong emotions or desires. 

-You don't feel any strong desire for your husband. 
-You aren't attracted to *anyone*. 
-Neither are you as bothered as you should be by the thought of him moving on. 
-Some of the posters have written harsh/hurtful comments directed at you and you don't seem to be offended. 

Postpartum depression can last for many years after having children and often affects marriages exactly as you describe your marriage. There is no blood, X-ray or other laboratory test that can be used to diagnose this condition. It is, however, very treatable.

Other symptoms include: loss of enjoyment in things that were once pleasurable, memory problems, change in weight or appetite, change in sleep patterns, physically restless or rundown, fatigue or loss of energy, feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness or excessive guilt, problems with concentration or making decisions, pacing/hand-wringing.

I suggest you discuss this with your doctor at your next appointment. In the meantime take comfort in the knowledge that there is hope.


----------



## Seeking_Advice

SweetSting - I sent you a private message.


----------



## Bellavista

You sound very like me. I am not an affectionate person. My friends all know that I don't do the whole huggy thing, they accept that. I will hug my kids if they ask, but honestly, it does not come naturally to me to touch other people. It makes me very uncomfortable.

With my husband, I have to remember to hug him, it actually takes me saying to myself, 'Oh, I better go and hug my husband.' We had many issues over this, he has agreed not to grope me and make sexual innuendos everytime I go near him, I have agreed to touch him & hug him. Sometimes this is just giving him a rub on the top of the head as I walk past his chair or leaning against him when I am looking at something on his computer screen.

I have an aspergers son & have often thought that he probably got it from me as I have alot of the traits, but less severly than our son.

All I can say to you, if you want to make this marriage work, you will have to make a monumental effort to remember to touch your husband in an affectionate way when you are around him.


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## sweetsting00

Thank you Bellavista, it is nice to know I am not alone on this. I am looking into Aspergers now.


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## Reg

Not to pile on but I can relate to your husband and feel very badly for him...it is a terrible situation for a man to be in. 

My wife shows absolutely no affection, no hugs, no kisses, no sex (coming up to one year now) and for the last year she won't even touch me; not even to move me out her way! How do you think I feel? Yes, it does weigh heavily on your mind every minute of the day.

We have fought in the past about this and things improve but one small slip for me and everything gets cut off. Tired of the games. 

And, I have to add that I agree, a hug or kiss that is not genuine feels even worse than not gettting one in the first place. No one wants to feel that their spouse is being affectionate or having sex with them out of fear or obligation it feels ugly.

Some women have no idea how good they have until it's gone...stay at home mom, great lifestyle, 5 star vacations, a husband who works like crazy but still finds the time to help out at home and spend quality time with the kids; and I have to fight/beg for a kiss or a hug??? 

Wake up lady, your husband is gonna leave you, he would have already but he is probably like me, too caring or too weak.


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## Drover

are we married to the same woman?


----------



## Drover

*Re: Re: Husband claims I am not affectionate*



anotherguy said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I have not read this - but from what I know about it - it explains plenty about how people percieve affection and receive self worth. Try it. There was some simple 5 minute web test around here somewhere. Can give you a quick idea about how you 2 might differ and can be fun to try.
> 
> I think this is one of them:
> ******* | Take The 5 Love Languages Test


we know our love languages and have the same issue as OP. the problem is how to just suddenly start changing your dynamic.


----------



## Drover

*Re: Re: Husband claims I am not affectionate*



sweetsting00 said:


> I don't find anyone else attractive. There are some movie stars I think are cute but that is about it. But it is more of a he is cute like she is a pretty lady. Nothing sexual.


you've just shut down sexually. my wife did the same thing. she has acknowledged the problem and willing to work on it. we're working on fixing it but it's hard.


----------



## stevehowefan

hawx20 said:


> Are you my wife? Seriously? Shes not internet savvy at all so I know she would never find this place, but you sound exactly like her so maybe I can give you some insight on how your husband feels.
> 
> First, if someone put a gun to your husbands head and said you have to answer correctly or the gun will go off - Does your wife truly love you...he honestly would not know what answer to go with. He truly does not know.
> 
> Second, actions speak louder than words. You can tell him you love him but hugs, kisses, affection, sex speak louder to us than mere words. A spontaneous hug/kiss from my wife makes me feel more loved than words ever could.
> 
> Third, he doesnt want to leave you. He loves you but you make him feel unloved and that hurts. You make him feel like you just put up with him for whatever reason and he doesnt feel wanted or needed.
> 
> Believe me, word for word, you sound like my wife and i feel like your husband. Its uncanny. I've told her if things dont change I would leave. Why? Because her actions make me unhappy. I want to feel loved by my wife. I want be affectionate and feel affection from my wife. If I cant get that, why be married? I'll just find some woman to be a room mate with.
> 
> Bottom line, he says he will leave you because he is hurt. Your lack of affection makes him question why you are that way with him. Its hard to understand that thats just the way you are. He is wondering what it is about him that makes you not want to love him. The easiest explanation to him is you dont love him.
> 
> Like I said, word for word, this sounds like us. So my question to you is....why dont you feel the need to hug/kiss your husband and have sex with him. What is the problem? I asked my wife the same question and didnt get an answer.


Every bit of this was what it was like. By the way, I'm the husband. I would like to submit that things began to get better over time, and towards the end of 2013 my wife had lost about 25 pounds and was really into me. This has pretty much carried on even until now. We thought we were at an impasse just last week. We talked it out and understood each other's needs even more. We will be married 13 years this coming March. She needs me now and shows affection like she used to show. This has meant the world to me. Her desire for sex isn't as strong as I might like, but my issue always was with her wanting more to do with me than it was about the actual act of sex. She hugs me more. She flirts with me more. She respects me more. She just plain all out needs me more. Our faith in God also helped and grew even stronger throughout it all.


----------



## tech-novelist

Zombie thread.


----------



## stevehowefan

And honestly, I don't think I would've have left over it. If it had been completely sexless (at the time of her writing this it was six years), for the six or seven years, I would've bailed a long time ago. She had duty sex, which was bad. Don't get me wrong. At least it did assuage the fleshly desire I had for my wife. That night I had enough of her lack of emotion. I was packing my bags and headed out the door to go to a buddy of mine's house. I think she took that as I was leaving her for good. I ended up just sleeping on the couch.


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## stevehowefan

technovelist said:


> Zombie thread.


True enough, but I was the subject of thread. I thought it would be pertinent enough to update.


----------



## Amplexor

stevehowefan said:


> Every bit of this was what it was like. By the way, I'm the husband. I would like to submit that things began to get better over time, and towards the end of 2013 my wife had lost about 25 pounds and was really into me. This has pretty much carried on even until now. We thought we were at an impasse just last week. We talked it out and understood each other's needs even more. We will be married 13 years this coming March. She needs me now and shows affection like she used to show. This has meant the world to me. Her desire for sex isn't as strong as I might like, but my issue always was with her wanting more to do with me than it was about the actual act of sex. She hugs me more. She flirts with me more. She respects me more. She just plain all out needs me more. Our faith in God also helped and grew even stronger throughout it all.


Very Cool!


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## stevehowefan

And I'll also be honest that, in the back of my mind... way, way back in there, I thought she may have cheated on me. To me, that made just as much sense as her not "loving me anymore." I never dwelt on it, nor did I really think she did. It just made as much sense as anything else. 


I am the guy, who when I see that others are having problems with LD wives, proposes that they cut out birth control like Yaz. I had a vasectomy so she could get off of it. It was a few months later that she began to want me more.


----------



## Steve1000

stevehowefan said:


> Every bit of this was what it was like. By the way, I'm the husband. I would like to submit that things began to get better over time, and towards the end of 2013 my wife had lost about 25 pounds and was really into me. This has pretty much carried on even until now. We thought we were at an impasse just last week. We talked it out and understood each other's needs even more. We will be married 13 years this coming March. She needs me now and shows affection like she used to show. This has meant the world to me. Her desire for sex isn't as strong as I might like, but my issue always was with her wanting more to do with me than it was about the actual act of sex. She hugs me more. She flirts with me more. She respects me more. She just plain all out needs me more. Our faith in God also helped and grew even stronger throughout it all.


We rarely get updates of how things ended up. Thanks for posting.


----------



## hotshotdot

stevehowefan said:


> And I'll also be honest that, in the back of my mind... way, way back in there, I thought she may have cheated on me. To me, that made just as much sense as her not "loving me anymore." I never dwelt on it, nor did I really think she did. It just made as much sense as anything else.
> 
> 
> I am the guy, who when I see that others are having problems with LD wives, proposes that they cut out birth control like Yaz. I had a vasectomy so she could get off of it. It was a few months later that she began to want me more.


Great to get an update & even better that it's coming from the other side. Glad to see that things have improved! 

I also wanted to say that I agree with you on the birth control pills affecting desire. I too had that experience with Yaz. Since I only started them after my divorce it was really easy to tell when my sex drive went from very high to not even caring to please myself anymore in just a year. 3 months off them before my desire started to come back.


----------



## stevehowefan

hotshotdot said:


> Great to get an update & even better that it's coming from the other side. Glad to see that things have improved!
> 
> I also wanted to say that I agree with you on the birth control pills affecting desire. I too had that experience with Yaz. Since I only started them after my divorce it was really easy to tell when my sex drive went from very high to not even caring to please myself anymore in just a year. 3 months off them before my desire started to come back.


Dang, that would've sucked in my/our case! I'm glad I stuck around through the whole ordeal. My wife, in the beginning, believed I just wanted a hole in which to put "it." That wasn't the case at all. I wanted her emotion to go with it. She nor I could envision ourselves with anyone else.


----------



## nirvana

sweetsting00 said:


> I don't get any satisfaction out of hugs, kisses, sex. It does nothing for me.When we first met this was not an issue. I think it was all so new and we were young, I was looking for a husband and wanting kids. Now I have all that and the need for sex is gone.
> 
> I have heard a lot about that book but I don't think I have a love language. I don't think I feel the need to be loved. As long as he brings home a paycheck and protects our family and home, I am happy. He is a great husband and father, he helps me around the house and takes up a lot of time with the kids. I just have no physical attraction to him or anyone in the world for that matter.


I am not sure if you are trolling here. 
When I read the first post, I thought, hey, the husband is like me, and the OP is like my wife! And then I was amazed to see many other guys posting the same as what I thought.

And now you say that all you care about is a paycheck. That is what I feel my wife cares about. After the kids arrived, her mom-switch has flipped, and I feel like I am something she has to put up with to have a good life.

Why are you making his life miserable? Cut him loose and let him find someone who loves him. You seem to be a horrible and selfish person.


----------



## stevehowefan

nirvana said:


> I am not sure if you are trolling here.
> When I read the first post, I thought, hey, the husband is like me, and the OP is like my wife! And then I was amazed to see many other guys posting the same as what I thought.
> 
> And now you say that all you care about is a paycheck. That is what I feel my wife cares about. After the kids arrived, her mom-switch has flipped, and I feel like I am something she has to put up with to have a good life.
> 
> Why are you making his life miserable? Cut him loose and let him find someone who loves him. You seem to be a horrible and selfish person.


You must not have read the update lol. I'm the husband and she was/is real. Unfortunately for us, she was just trying to go through all the things that caused her lack of emotion with me. She was never really horrible, selfish perhaps, but overall confused. We really attribute her lack of emotion on Yaz. I have several other friends who have experienced similar issues with it. I was snipped in Nov. of 2012 and when she wrote this, the Yaz hadn't cleared her system yet apparently. Things are at about 80% of where they were when we first met. I'll take that over the 10% of where they were just three years ago.


----------



## nirvana

stevehowefan said:


> You must not have read the update lol. I'm the husband and she was/is real. Unfortunately for us, she was just trying to go through all the things that caused her lack of emotion with me. She was never really horrible, selfish perhaps, but overall confused. We really attribute her lack of emotion on Yaz. I have several other friends who have experienced similar issues with it. I was snipped in Nov. of 2012 and when she wrote this, the Yaz hadn't cleared her system yet apparently. Things are at about 80% of where they were when we first met. I'll take that over the 10% of where they were just three years ago.


Wow, husband and wife both on TAM and the husband seems to have been here for a while!

I apologize, I read the first page yesterday and replied today. I'll read the rest of the thread today. 

I hope things worked out well for you both.

Saw later: Looks like this is a thread from 2013!


----------



## stevehowefan

nirvana said:


> Wow, husband and wife both on TAM and the husband seems to have been here for a while!
> 
> I apologize, I read the first page yesterday and replied today. I'll read the rest of the thread today.
> 
> I hope things worked out well for you both.
> 
> Saw later: Looks like this is a thread from 2013!


Truthfully, when all of this happened back in late January of 2013, when I was threatening to go to my buddy's house, she spent the next day online soliciting help. She and I talked all day long while I was at work and she told me that people told her she was a horrible wife. I was incredulous because I didn't want her thinking that. So I asked her who it was. That's when she told me people online. I was like "oh, ok. Not anyone you know personally, cool." That's when I began to look because it dawned on me she was on a forum of some sort. I eventually found it. I lurked then joined a few months later. I always knew about this thread. It's weird looking back at it now. There was a lot of pain, on both sides. On thing I can say is, at least she was willing TO have sex. She didn't want it. She could've said no. That's when I would've left.


----------



## stevehowefan

And in addition to all of that, I upped my sex rank. She likes my physique! 6' tall, 190lbs. Six pack. 17 inch arms. That may have helped, as well as getting her off of Yaz.


----------



## nirvana

stevehowefan said:


> And in addition to all of that, I upped my sex rank. She likes my physique! 6' tall, 190lbs. Six pack. 17 inch arms. That may have helped, as well as getting her off of Yaz.


Awesome!
Now that's what I need to do. I am tall (6'1) and have allmy hair in my 40s and am decent looking and don;t have a paunch unlike most Indian guys my age who are short, paunchy and bald/balding. However, I am not well-built (160lbs), so my plan for 2016 is to join a gym and focus on that. I think that's the last thing I really want to improve about myself.

Were you always this way or did you improve to this?

If after that, she is not interested, then I don't care anymore.


----------



## stevehowefan

nirvana said:


> Awesome!
> Now that's what I need to do. I am tall (6'1) and have allmy hair in my 40s and am decent looking and don;t have a paunch unlike most Indian guys my age who are short, paunchy and bald/balding. However, I am not well-built (160lbs), so my plan for 2016 is to join a gym and focus on that. I think that's the last thing I really want to improve about myself.
> 
> Were you always this way or did you improve to this?
> 
> If after that, she is not interested, then I don't care anymore.


Well, I was always athletic. Still am to be 35. I played soccer in college (goalkeeper). I was about 215 then. I got up to 235 pounds at one point. I wasn't overly fat, but I had more fat than I wanted. I was eating terribly. I decided to stop eating badly and I lost some weight then. It wasn't until a few years later that I got serious with it. Trust me, working on you (physically) will help you mentally too. You'll feel and look better.


----------



## stevehowefan

Another strong, 2.5 year bump to this thread. We're still married. Things are still going ok. She has definitely, definitely upped her affection towards me. She hugs me, wants to be near me, loves on me way more than she did even in 2015. We had sort of a hiccup in March/April of this year where some things happened that shouldn't have, almost emotionally if you will, on some games she was playing with on her phone. There are thousands of similar stories here that show what can happen with those. Anyway, she became hyper-sexual. At first I thought it was incredible. How did I get so lucky!? I won't go into all the details but needless to say I was met with a double-edged sword. I was excited because, "YES!!! She is finally back!" and then at the same time, "Oh no, something is not right." I don't believe she cheated, received pictures, sent pictures, or the like. She just liked the attention she was getting, which don't get me wrong, in and of itself is wrong. And I know this because I went through a phase sort of like that during the years before 2013. I felt unloved and craved attention. We worked through the problems from March/April. I mean, I was in a bad way. All kinds of things were running through my head. She's cheating. She's fallen in love with someone else. I asked her stop doing the things she was doing but always worried that she was still doing it. I know I could get into her phone and find out but trusted that she wasn't anymore. I still have some struggles with it even now, but they wane more and more. 

She lost her mom in May, after all of this. I believe, in some small way, she was trying to cope with that because we knew it was coming. Once again, it's not an excuse but more of an understanding. I came closer to divorce than ever before, even closer than during the context of why this thread was started. It hurts me to even type that, to think that. She knows I am not going to tolerate anything like that ever again from that moment forward. And I know you guys don't know me, but believe me I won't. I also believe that her assessment of me was accurate in the first few original posts. I do consider myself a good husband, faithful through it all, very interactive and loving towards her and the kids. I work and bring home quite a bit of money. I will add that I am not the most romantic person, though. We are both more attractive now than when we met. I strive to please her. That's my goal. I think, in some small way, that's her goal for me too but even then she has limits. I got a taste of the hyper-sexuality and really, really liked it. I miss it, but I don't want what triggered it to ever happen again. I wished that she would just want to do those sorts of things with me without an external prompting. I also worry about her mental well-being in the days moving forward since her mother's death. She passed in May and since then it's been two steps forward, one step back. The one thing that will without a doubt, no questions asked, end us is infidelity. I stuck it out through the lack of emotional affection. I draw the line at ANY sort of infidelity. 

I know it may not sound like it, but we really are in a better place than we were five and a half years ago. The sex is better, albeit not as intense as it was in March/April. I understand there will be times where she doesn't really want to. I get it. I always wanted her to WANT me, and not just sexually (although let's be honest, that is REALLY, REALLY a good thing if she were to want me a lot sexually). She now NEEDS and WANTS me. I believe, or hope rather, that over time, she will also want to be more sexual with me, sort of like it was in March/April.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

Bellavista said:


> You sound very like me. I am not an affectionate person. My friends all know that I don't do the whole huggy thing, they accept that. I will hug my kids if they ask, but honestly, it does not come naturally to me to touch other people. It makes me very uncomfortable.
> 
> With my husband, I have to remember to hug him, it actually takes me saying to myself, 'Oh, I better go and hug my husband.' We had many issues over this, he has agreed not to grope me and make sexual innuendos everytime I go near him, I have agreed to touch him & hug him. Sometimes this is just giving him a rub on the top of the head as I walk past his chair or leaning against him when I am looking at something on his computer screen.
> 
> I have an aspergers son & have often thought that he probably got it from me as I have alot of the traits, but less severly than our son.
> 
> All I can say to you, if you want to make this marriage work, you will have to make a monumental effort to remember to touch your husband in an affectionate way when you are around him.


Christ, if a W has to remember to rub her H on the head and advises him here's a touch, good hubby just don't hug me or grope me......that would be a death knell for the / and most relationships. If a H accepts a pat on the head and nothing more "there's your sign".....he'll at some point rebel in some fashion. 

No hug, no grope, not allowed equals no relationship for the most part. Wow. But again I guess, different strokes, etc.


----------



## BluesPower

sweetsting00 said:


> My husband and I have been together 9 years and have been fighting over this for 6. He claims I am not affectionate and that I am not attracted to him, we are just friends and I don't love him.
> I do love him and I don't want him to leave me. But I rarely want to hug or kiss him. Like maybe 1 hug a week. We have sex 2 times a week, about every 3 or 4 days. I only do this to keep him happy. If I go longer than 4 days he starts getting depressed and mad at me. We have gone to counseling and that didn't help. He is threatening to leave me if I don't change.
> So am I suppose to just suck it up, pretend to want to have sex and force myself to hug and kiss him more to keep the peace?
> Please help... I can't talk to my mom about this and I do not have any close friends.


Well he thinks that because he is right, you are not affectionate and you are giving him duty sex because you are not attracted to or in love with him...

How can you not see that? 

I am sorry, but he should leave you. 

Most people want affection, and most normal people want passionate sex. You give him neither. 

What you cannot admit to yourself is that you don't really love him, you love the comfort of the marriage. You can't admit that you are not attracted to him, and that you don't want to have sex with him.

You see, when people actually passionately love each other, they want to have sex with them. Now if the sex is bad, that can cause people to fall out or not be in love I guess. 

Your husband is doing the right thing, and you don't want to face the facts. 

But the way, sex creates a bond, esp in a marriage, and bad sex/no sex kills that bond. 

You would be better off to go ahead with the divorce and find a man that excites you that you want to touch and have sex with, because your husband is done with you and pity sex...


----------



## sokillme

stevehowefan said:


> Another strong, 2.5 year bump to this thread. We're still married. Things are still going ok. She has definitely, definitely upped her affection towards me. She hugs me, wants to be near me, loves on me way more than she did even in 2015. We had sort of a hiccup in March/April of this year where some things happened that shouldn't have, almost emotionally if you will, on some games she was playing with on her phone. There are thousands of similar stories here that show what can happen with those. Anyway, she became hyper-sexual. At first I thought it was incredible. How did I get so lucky!? I won't go into all the details but needless to say I was met with a double-edged sword. I was excited because, "YES!!! She is finally back!" and then at the same time, "Oh no, something is not right." I don't believe she cheated, received pictures, sent pictures, or the like. She just liked the attention she was getting, which don't get me wrong, in and of itself is wrong. And I know this because I went through a phase sort of like that during the years before 2013. I felt unloved and craved attention. We worked through the problems from March/April. I mean, I was in a bad way. All kinds of things were running through my head. She's cheating. She's fallen in love with someone else. I asked her stop doing the things she was doing but always worried that she was still doing it. I know I could get into her phone and find out but trusted that she wasn't anymore. I still have some struggles with it even now, but they wane more and more.
> 
> She lost her mom in May, after all of this. I believe, in some small way, she was trying to cope with that because we knew it was coming. Once again, it's not an excuse but more of an understanding. I came closer to divorce than ever before, even closer than during the context of why this thread was started. It hurts me to even type that, to think that. She knows I am not going to tolerate anything like that ever again from that moment forward. And I know you guys don't know me, but believe me I won't. I also believe that her assessment of me was accurate in the first few original posts. I do consider myself a good husband, faithful through it all, very interactive and loving towards her and the kids. I work and bring home quite a bit of money. I will add that I am not the most romantic person, though. We are both more attractive now than when we met. I strive to please her. That's my goal. I think, in some small way, that's her goal for me too but even then she has limits. I got a taste of the hyper-sexuality and really, really liked it. I miss it, but I don't want what triggered it to ever happen again. I wished that she would just want to do those sorts of things with me without an external prompting. I also worry about her mental well-being in the days moving forward since her mother's death. She passed in May and since then it's been two steps forward, one step back. The one thing that will without a doubt, no questions asked, end us is infidelity. I stuck it out through the lack of emotional affection. I draw the line at ANY sort of infidelity.
> 
> I know it may not sound like it, but we really are in a better place than we were five and a half years ago. The sex is better, albeit not as intense as it was in March/April. I understand there will be times where she doesn't really want to. I get it. I always wanted her to WANT me, and not just sexually (although let's be honest, that is REALLY, REALLY a good thing if she were to want me a lot sexually). She now NEEDS and WANTS me. I believe, or hope rather, that over time, she will also want to be more sexual with me, sort of like it was in March/April.


This has to be the saddest thread on the entire board. Your wife posted that basically said that she had not attraction and has no desire to have sex with you. She pretty much only married you because you are a good man. Even to the point where she told you to find someone else for sex. We all told her to let you leave. At this point I think you should have. 

You come back 3 years later or something and say it's a little better but you also hint that maybe she cheated and you never felt comfortable checking it.

Now you are here again and this time she has cheated on you at least emotionally, even if it is in her mind. At that point she became hyper sexual and has finally start showing you the affection that you craved your entire marriage. Which again shows that her original post was true. Brutal.

I feel terrible for you, but your wife is an awful one. Nothing has really changed since the first post except she upped her frequency. At the very least I would have her do a polygraph. I really believe that most of the time the truth is not that the spouse is not into sex (even if they say so), it's that they are just not into sex with you.
Your gut has been telling you for years you think she has been unfaithful, I think it's time to investigate. Ask to see her phone. Just ask her to give it too you out of the blue see what happens. 

I can't imagine anything more painful then having your spouse say she is not into sex and then have an affair and all of the sudden she wants to have sex with you. 

Only you can decide what you will accept as your life but you deserve SO MUCH better. I am sure you are going to tell us otherwise but how is that true. She basically says she married you because you are good guy is not attracted to you sexually, and had and affair or at the very least found that attraction when someone else was attracted to her. Someone who was NOT YOU. That's a terrible wife. If I were to tell you this is who you were marrying before you said the words or started dating would you have gone through with it? Look up sunk cost fallacy. Are you sure your just not scared to be without her? It really shouldn't be this hard. 

One things for sure if this thread isn't a cautionary tail of staying with a spouse who isn't into you sexually I can't think of a better one. Convenient also that she stopped posting.


----------



## BarbedFenceRider

As long as he brings home a paycheck and protects our family and home, I am happy. He is a great husband and father, he helps me around the house and takes up a lot of time with the kids. I just have no physical attraction to him or anyone in the world for that matter.



----Plan B . for a mentally ill person who is just medicated and not seriously treated. And ofcourse, falls into infidelity with digital cheating. But still doesn't understand boundaries. Husband has to DO ALL THE WORK. Ridiculous.

Steve....You are a brave man. And by your discription, you could've been a happier man if you did end up sleeping at your buddies couch so long ago. Alas, here you are. And you continue to persevere in this relationship.

***Let this be a lesson to alot of younger men and women, before they get married to such broken people.


----------



## stevehowefan

sokillme said:


> This has to be the saddest thread on the entire board. Your wife posted that basically said that she had not attraction and has no desire to have sex with you. She pretty much only married you because you are a good man. Even to the point where she told you to find someone else for sex. We all told her to let you leave. At this point I think you should have.
> 
> You come back 3 years later or something and say it's a little better but you also hint that maybe she cheated and you never felt comfortable checking it.
> 
> Now you are here again and this time she has cheated on you at least emotionally, even if it is in her mind. At that point she became hyper sexual and has finally start showing you the affection that you craved your entire marriage. Which again shows that her original post was true. Brutal.
> 
> I feel terrible for you, but your wife is an awful one. Nothing has really changed since the first post except she upped her frequency. At the very least I would have her do a polygraph. I really believe that most of the time the truth is not that the spouse is not into sex (even if they say so), it's that they are just not into sex with you.
> Your gut has been telling you for years you think she has been unfaithful, I think it's time to investigate. Ask to see her phone. Just ask her to give it too you out of the blue see what happens.
> 
> I can't imagine anything more painful then having your spouse say she is not into sex and then have an affair and all of the sudden she wants to have sex with you.
> 
> Only you can decide what you will accept as your life but you deserve SO MUCH better. I am sure you are going to tell us otherwise but how is that true.  She basically says she married you because you are good guy is not attracted to you sexually, and had and affair or at the very least found that attraction when someone else was attracted to her. Someone who was NOT YOU. That's a terrible wife. If I were to tell you this is who you were marrying before you said the words or started dating would you have gone through with it? Look up sunk cost fallacy. Are you sure your just not scared to be without her? It really shouldn't be this hard.
> 
> One things for sure if this thread isn't a cautionary tail of staying with a spouse who isn't into you sexually I can't think of a better one. Convenient also that she stopped posting.


Oh no, I am not scared to lose her. At least not in the sense of I'd always be lonely and never have fun with a woman again. Quite the opposite. I KNOW I could get down the very next day with a woman. Thing is, though, I don't want that. But I will also say this,* I can't imagine anything more painful then having your spouse say she is not into sex and then have an affair and all of the sudden she wants to have sex with you* that part stung a little because even if it wasn't "cheating" in the emotional sense or physical sense, it still hurt to know I didn't "do" it for her. So yeah, I've been sort of struggling with that and even mentioned it. I also have been monitoring her and can pick her phone up at any time. 


BarbedFenceRider said:


> As long as he brings home a paycheck and protects our family and home, I am happy. He is a great husband and father, he helps me around the house and takes up a lot of time with the kids. I just have no physical attraction to him or anyone in the world for that matter.
> 
> 
> 
> ----Plan B . for a mentally ill person who is just medicated and not seriously treated. And ofcourse, falls into infidelity with digital cheating. *But still doesn't understand boundaries*. Husband has to DO ALL THE WORK. Ridiculous.
> 
> Steve....You are a brave man. And by your discription, you could've been a happier man if you did end up sleeping at your buddies couch so long ago. Alas, here you are. And you continue to persevere in this relationship.
> 
> ***Let this be a lesson to alot of younger men and women, before they get married to such broken people.


I think she does now but when I confronted her with my evidence, she didn't. And the only time I haven't been outright happy is the end of March and beginning of April. The other affectionless times were a gradual resentment that built up over time and came to a boil in Jan 2013. And it does suck that I have to do all the work, mostly still to this day. She rarely initiates.


----------



## NobodySpecial

sweetsting00 said:


> I don't get any satisfaction out of hugs, kisses, sex. It does nothing for me.When we first met this was not an issue. I think it was all so new and we were young, I was looking for a husband and wanting kids. Now I have all that and the need for sex is gone.
> 
> I have heard a lot about that book but I don't think I have a love language. I don't think I feel the need to be loved. As long as he brings home a paycheck and protects our family and home, I am happy. He is a great husband and father, he helps me around the house and takes up a lot of time with the kids. I just have no physical attraction to him or anyone in the world for that matter.


Let him go.


----------



## SadSamIAm

sokillme said:


> This has to be the saddest thread on the entire board. Your wife posted that basically said that she had not attraction and has no desire to have sex with you. She pretty much only married you because you are a good man. Even to the point where she told you to find someone else for sex. We all told her to let you leave. At this point I think you should have.
> 
> You come back 3 years later or something and say it's a little better but you also hint that maybe she cheated and you never felt comfortable checking it.
> 
> Now you are here again and this time she has cheated on you at least emotionally, even if it is in her mind. At that point she became hyper sexual and has finally start showing you the affection that you craved your entire marriage. Which again shows that her original post was true. Brutal.
> 
> I feel terrible for you, but your wife is an awful one. Nothing has really changed since the first post except she upped her frequency. At the very least I would have her do a polygraph. I really believe that most of the time the truth is not that the spouse is not into sex (even if they say so), it's that they are just not into sex with you.
> Your gut has been telling you for years you think she has been unfaithful, I think it's time to investigate. Ask to see her phone. Just ask her to give it too you out of the blue see what happens.
> 
> I can't imagine anything more painful then having your spouse say she is not into sex and then have an affair and all of the sudden she wants to have sex with you.
> 
> Only you can decide what you will accept as your life but you deserve SO MUCH better. I am sure you are going to tell us otherwise but how is that true. She basically says she married you because you are good guy is not attracted to you sexually, and had and affair or at the very least found that attraction when someone else was attracted to her. Someone who was NOT YOU. That's a terrible wife. If I were to tell you this is who you were marrying before you said the words or started dating would you have gone through with it? Look up sunk cost fallacy. Are you sure your just not scared to be without her? It really shouldn't be this hard.
> 
> One things for sure if this thread isn't a cautionary tail of staying with a spouse who isn't into you sexually I can't think of a better one. Convenient also that she stopped posting.


I don't get the same picture as you.

Back in 2013 she didn't have desire for him. She said she didn't for anyone. Could have been the YAK, could have been from a number of reasons. 

But now the OP says she has been affectionate. That she is into sex with him. That things have been good for a few years now. I don't think she could fake it that long without having real feelings.

The texting during the gaming is a red flag. It could be anything from an emotional affair to just a fantasy. Could be no different than a woman reading a romantic/dirty novel and getting fired up for her husband.


----------



## stevehowefan

SadSamIAm said:


> I don't get the same picture as you.
> 
> Back in 2013 she didn't have desire for him. She said she didn't for anyone. Could have been the YAK, could have been from a number of reasons.
> 
> But now the OP says she has been affectionate. That she is into sex with him. That things have been good for a few years now. I don't think she could fake it that long without having real feelings.
> 
> *The texting during the gaming is a red flag. It could be anything from an emotional affair to just a fantasy. Could be no different than a woman reading a romantic/dirty novel and getting fired up for her husband*.


It was a fantasy and she literally alluded to watching something like Game of Thrones. It would be similar to a dude watching porn, if you will (but without actual pictures being sent or received). She never met these people and I would 100% know if she did. I am also aware, too, that just because _these_ people were all limited to online stuff, the possibility of something manifesting IRL was there. And I told her that, which I why I blew this up far and wide. And I also don't think she could've faked it this long. I'd KNOW something. Just like I KNEW something was up back in March/April.


----------



## OnTheFly

I love it when old threads are revived with updates! So cool!

What's funny too, is how a large bunch of us (I've done it myself) are on TAM autopilot. We just read the first post, skip to page whatever and respond like we're the first, to hell with what has happened in the meantime, lol


----------



## lari

I'll chime in. Although, my situation is a bit different. I am in the process of getting a divorce. I have 0 desire for my husband. I used to want him. But his selfishness led to me losing respect for him along with my attraction for him. Why would I want to have sex with someone who criticizes, doesn't stay true to his word and who doesn't pull his weight? Anyone else that is experiencing a decline in their spouses desire for them should ask themselves if they are as great a spouse as they think they are. Lack of desire is a sure sign of more serious relationship issues. Address them before your marriage ends up like ours


----------



## sokillme

lari said:


> I'll chime in. Although, my situation is a bit different. I am in the process of getting a divorce. I have 0 desire for my husband. I used to want him. But his selfishness led to me losing respect for him along with my attraction for him. Why would I want to have sex with someone who criticizes, doesn't stay true to his word and who doesn't pull his weight? Anyone else that is experiencing a decline in their spouses desire for them should ask themselves if they are as great a spouse as they think they are. Lack of desire is a sure sign of more serious relationship issues. Address them before your marriage ends up like ours


Except she says he is a great spouse in the early posts.


----------



## sokillme

stevehowefan said:


> It was a fantasy and she literally alluded to watching something like Game of Thrones. It would be similar to a dude watching porn, if you will (but without actual pictures being sent or received). She never met these people and I would 100% know if she did. I am also aware, too, that just because _these_ people were all limited to online stuff, the possibility of something manifesting IRL was there. And I told her that, which I why I blew this up far and wide. And I also don't think she could've faked it this long. I'd KNOW something. Just like I KNEW something was up back in March/April.


What was she fantasizing about? There had to be something going to to fantasize about in the first place. It's just as bad if they were communicating inappropriately. Besides that looking at porn is a solitary passive exercise in the context you mention. Her's was different in the sense that there was some interaction and the interaction is what got her hot and bothered. That is very different in my mind then porn. Also lets not discount that you thought she might have cheated before. Put it all together and it's starting to look like there could be more to your wife's lack of attraction to you then she just lost her desire.

Whatever you decide to do at this point, the fallacy that this is a women who really had no interest in sex, to which you have been living under should be dead and buried from now on. She likes sex and can get very sexually interested given the right circumstances. This would be incredibly painful to me if I had spend the last 15 years being told it wasn't me, just that she was not sexual. If our whole sex life had been a struggle against her supposed nature. She can no longer play that card and nether should you. 

Meaning she needs to figure out what it is about those interactions that make her feel that way and hopefully you two can bring that dynamic into your marriage. My suspicion is really the thing that turned her on was that it was someone new. So even if she did have an affair eventually she would get bored of the new guy and he would be in the same boat. Though maybe it's something else. It may be that she needs to feel desired to feel sexual, I believe and have heard lots of women's desire level seems to work like a mirror. So maybe you need to be more vocal or active about your desire for her. 

The worst part about that is, you have desperately been seeking this from her and it seems she was just to lazy to find it. It just wasn't important enough to her so she had to fall into it with some other man. That sucks. I hope she is reading here. Spouses who neglect to give intimacy to their partners are terrible partners as it's really an awful cruelty. This is because intimacy whether physical, or emotional is the one thing that the marriage vows specifically prohibit you from getting from someone else. You can't be a good spouse and neglect this even if you do everything else great. You deserved better but you chose to stay and seem to still want to. 

One other thing. Why did she stop posting? I mean not to accuse you of anything but you COULD just be someone who decided to pick up on this thread and continue the story. Again not saying this is the fact, and even so, the truth is I am not even sure it matters. I post also for others who are going through stuff similar and may be reading. But from your story posting on here seemed to help the situation. Maybe she should start again.


----------



## stevehowefan

sokillme said:


> What was she fantasizing about? There had to be something going to to fantasize about in the first place. It's just as bad if they were communicating inappropriately. Besides that looking at porn is a solitary passive exercise in the context you mention. Her's was different in the sense that there was some interaction and the interaction is what got her hot and bothered. That is very different in my mind then porn. Also lets not discount that you thought she might have cheated before. Put it all together and it's starting to look like there could be more to your wife's lack of attraction to you then she just lost her desire.
> *
> The only reason I thought she might have cheated before was because of the lack of sexual connectivity. There were literally no other red flags. I definitely don't want to sound like a saint here, either. Because of a lack of affection, I sought it through flirtation with other women. There were no pictures, love, or emotions involved. I literally had zero desire for anyone else. I just wanted to feel wanted, if that makes sense. I eventually realized how dangerous that was and stopped and it was easy because there were no emotions involved.*
> 
> Whatever you decide to do at this point, the fallacy that this is a women who really had no interest in sex, to which you have been living under should be dead and buried from now on. She likes sex and can get very sexually interested given the right circumstances. This would be incredibly painful to me if I had spend the last 15 years being told it wasn't me, just that she was not sexual. If our whole sex life had been a struggle against her supposed nature. She can no longer play that card and nether should you.
> 
> *It was more of a bait and switch, it seems. She was absolutely sexual when we first met. For several months she was. Then came pregnancy. I will never forget the first time I was upset about a lack of sex. She was pregnant with our son and told me she felt him move for the first time. I shrugged because I was pissed over lack of sex.
> *
> Meaning she needs to figure out what it is about those interactions that make her feel that way and hopefully you two can bring that dynamic into your marriage. My suspicion is really the thing that turned her on was that it was someone new. So even if she did have an affair eventually she would get bored of the new guy and he would be in the same boat. Though maybe it's something else. It may be that she needs to feel desired to feel sexual, I believe and have heard lots of women's desire level seems to work like a mirror. So maybe you need to be more vocal or active about your desire for her.
> *I think for her, she has to feel attractive. She has always had an image problem with herself. This wasn't the first time that she was sort of sexually charged. The last time was literally in the middle of 2013, when she was losing weight. And yes, I know that also could be a sign of infidelity but I was helping her because I am in really good shape too.*
> 
> The worst part about that is, you have desperately been seeking this from her and it seems she was just to lazy to find it. It just wasn't important enough to her so she had to fall into it with some other man. That sucks. I hope she is reading here. Spouses who neglect to give intimacy to their partners are terrible partners as it's really an awful cruelty. This is because intimacy whether physical, or emotional is the one thing that the marriage vows specifically prohibit you from getting from someone else. You can't be a good spouse and neglect this even if you do everything else great. You deserved better but you chose to stay and seem to still want to.
> 
> *I think I mentioned it before, but if not, I would've probably left (against my every fiber of being), had it not been for the fact she would at least do the physical act of it all. If I had gone years without any intimacy, it wouldn't have been a marriage. As it was, it was an emotionless marriage. At least the physical cravings were satiated. It was the mental aspect of "what's wrong with me? Does she love me? Is she maybe cheating? Etc." that slowly built into the crescendo of sadness.*
> 
> One other thing. Why did she stop posting? I mean not to accuse you of anything but you COULD just be someone who decided to pick up on this thread and continue the story. Again not saying this is the fact, and even so, the truth is I am not even sure it matters. I post also for others who are going through stuff similar and may be reading. But from your story posting on here seemed to help the situation. Maybe she should start again.


I think she was looking for quick answers because she knew I was at the end of my wits. I guess she stopped posting once she got enough answers, and they came at her pretty hard. It seems rightfully so, too, because many stories like this end up with the ultimate betrayal for others. Is that the case here? I don't believe so, and I know many others felt the same way right up until they found the smoking gun. I like to consider myself a purveyor of human nature. I would definitely know if something that could end in divorce was happening. If she hadn't stopped doing the things I asked her to stop doing, it would've led directly just that.


----------



## sokillme

stevehowefan said:


> I think she was looking for quick answers because she knew I was at the end of my wits. I guess she stopped posting once she got enough answers, and they came at her pretty hard. It seems rightfully so, too, because many stories like this end up with the ultimate betrayal for others. Is that the case here? I don't believe so, and I know many others felt the same way right up until they found the smoking gun. I like to consider myself a purveyor of human nature. I would definitely know if something that could end in divorce was happening. If she hadn't stopped doing the things I asked her to stop doing, it would've led directly just that.


So what is she doing now after this latest disregard for your feelings?


----------



## BioFury

stevehowefan said:


> Another strong, 2.5 year bump to this thread. We're still married. Things are still going ok. She has definitely, definitely upped her affection towards me. She hugs me, wants to be near me, loves on me way more than she did even in 2015. We had sort of a hiccup in March/April of this year where some things happened that shouldn't have, almost emotionally if you will, on some games she was playing with on her phone. There are thousands of similar stories here that show what can happen with those. Anyway, *she became hyper-sexual*. At first I thought it was incredible. How did I get so lucky!? I won't go into all the details but needless to say I was met with a double-edged sword. I was excited because, "YES!!! She is finally back!" and then at the same time, "Oh no, something is not right." I don't believe she cheated, received pictures, sent pictures, or the like. *She just liked the attention she was getting*, which don't get me wrong, in and of itself is wrong. And I know this because I went through a phase sort of like that during the years before 2013. I felt unloved and craved attention. We worked through the problems from March/April. I mean, I was in a bad way. All kinds of things were running through my head. She's cheating. She's fallen in love with someone else. I asked her stop doing the things she was doing but always worried that she was still doing it. I know I could get into her phone and find out but trusted that she wasn't anymore. I still have some struggles with it even now, but they wane more and more.
> 
> She lost her mom in May, after all of this. I believe, in some small way, she was trying to cope with that because we knew it was coming. Once again, it's not an excuse but more of an understanding. I came closer to divorce than ever before, even closer than during the context of why this thread was started. It hurts me to even type that, to think that. She knows I am not going to tolerate anything like that ever again from that moment forward. And I know you guys don't know me, but believe me I won't. I also believe that her assessment of me was accurate in the first few original posts. I do consider myself a good husband, faithful through it all, very interactive and loving towards her and the kids. I work and bring home quite a bit of money. I will add that I am not the most romantic person, though. We are both more attractive now than when we met. I strive to please her. That's my goal. I think, in some small way, that's her goal for me too but even then she has limits. *I got a taste of the hyper-sexuality and really, really liked it. I miss it, but I don't want what triggered it to ever happen again.* I wished that she would just want to do those sorts of things with me without an external prompting. I also worry about her mental well-being in the days moving forward since her mother's death. She passed in May and since then it's been two steps forward, one step back. The one thing that will without a doubt, no questions asked, end us is infidelity. I stuck it out through the lack of emotional affection. I draw the line at ANY sort of infidelity.
> 
> I know it may not sound like it, but we really are in a better place than we were five and a half years ago. The sex is better, albeit not as intense as it was in March/April. I understand there will be times where she doesn't really want to. I get it. I always wanted her to WANT me, and not just sexually (although let's be honest, that is REALLY, REALLY a good thing if she were to want me a lot sexually). She now NEEDS and WANTS me. I believe, or hope rather, that over time, she will also want to be more sexual with me, sort of like it was in March/April.


You can be that "trigger". You said it yourself, you're not very romantic - change that. Meet her emotional needs, make her your emotional center - your entire world. Don't be the husband who walks in the door and watches TV, be the one who eagerly walks up to his wife and passionately makes out with her because he missed her so much. Treat her like a queen, and see if it returns. Give her the kind of attention she yearns for.


----------



## frustratedinphx

lari said:


> I'll chime in. Although, my situation is a bit different. I am in the process of getting a divorce. I have 0 desire for my husband. I used to want him. But his selfishness led to me losing respect for him along with my attraction for him. Why would I want to have sex with someone who criticizes, doesn't stay true to his word and who doesn't pull his weight? Anyone else that is experiencing a decline in their spouses desire for them should ask themselves if they are as great a spouse as they think they are. Lack of desire is a sure sign of more serious relationship issues. Address them before your marriage ends up like ours




Not saying this situation ⬆ is you @stevehowefan but are you doing anything that rubs her the wrong way? Doesn’t have to be big. Could be your soap or some small thing that’s never occurred to you.

Also, is she on the pill or other meds? Some affect libido. I was on the pill for years. When I stopped, I saw a difference. Depression can be the culprit. Losing a parent is a big loss. There are lots of possibilities. It sounds like you love her, so explore them together. 

Everyone has their threshold. Per the love languages, maybe you haven’t truly found hers. Plus sex is important but not everything. You sound like you really love and respect each other. Kudos to you for that. Many of us here (me included) don’t. Keep trying. You’ll get there!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## stevehowefan

frustratedinphx said:


> Not saying this situation ⬆ is you @stevehowefan but are you doing anything that rubs her the wrong way? Doesn’t have to be big. Could be your soap or some small thing that’s never occurred to you.
> 
> Also, is she on the pill or other meds? Some affect libido. I was on the pill for years. When I stopped, I saw a difference. Depression can be the culprit. Losing a parent is a big loss. There are lots of possibilities. It sounds like you love her, so explore them together.
> 
> Everyone has their threshold. Per the love languages, maybe you haven’t truly found hers. Plus sex is important but not everything. You sound like you really love and respect each other. Kudos to you for that. Many of us here (me included) don’t. Keep trying. You’ll get there!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Strong almost one year bump. We are in a decent place still. She was on the pill for many, many years, and I believe that is what caused her to not care. She was neither hot nor cold, as far as emotions went, for many years. 

After I last posted, probably in late September of 2018, I discovered the messages that confirmed my thoughts. It was definitely an EA. No pics, that I could find, were exchanged that would lead to divorce. She apologized to him, which was something she NEVER did for me. Guys, that ran all through me. I confronted her, in complete and total shock, not entirely sure if I could stay married to her. The lies, deceit, hiding stuff... trickle truth, all classic indicators of something awry. My gut was right. I won't mention everything here, but I had mind movies for a while, and I am 100% sure it was only emotional. Now, is it possible somewhere, someone else was in the picture? I am sure it's possible, but once again I don't believe so. 

She has since stopped contact with these few people, and I am still monitoring. I'm vigilant. I can tell you all this, if it happens again, there will be no grace given. It will be over. I won't be played for a fool, go through that again, or be anything less than the ONE and ONLY person my wife "cares" about.


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## sokillme

stevehowefan said:


> Strong almost one year bump. We are in a decent place still. She was on the pill for many, many years, and I believe that is what caused her to not care. She was neither hot nor cold, as far as emotions went, for many years.
> 
> After I last posted, probably in late September of 2018, I discovered the messages that confirmed my thoughts. It was definitely an EA. No pics, that I could find, were exchanged that would lead to divorce. She apologized to him, which was something she NEVER did for me. Guys, that ran all through me. I confronted her, in complete and total shock, not entirely sure if I could stay married to her. The lies, deceit, hiding stuff... trickle truth, all classic indicators of something awry. My gut was right. I won't mention everything here, but I had mind movies for a while, and I am 100% sure it was only emotional. Now, is it possible somewhere, someone else was in the picture? I am sure it's possible, but once again I don't believe so.
> 
> She has since stopped contact with these few people, and I am still monitoring. I'm vigilant. I can tell you all this, if it happens again, there will be no grace given. It will be over. I won't be played for a fool, go through that again, or be anything less than the ONE and ONLY person my wife "cares" about.


What is strong about this. There will be no grace given huh? How about half of your adult life you have wasted on her, there has already been TOO MUCH grace given. You know she cheated on you once. 

Your wife is a lemon but you treat her like a Mercedes. Sad. Dude your wife said herself you are her paycheck and she said it in the beginning of this post years ago. That should have been enough. But if that is what you want then so be it, just don't post about it like that is some achievement, or like things are different now. Admit for whatever reason (I think sunk cost fallacy myself) you are content to be so. 

Seriously look how your wife has treated you for years. YEARS!

I was correct this is one of the saddest posts on the board, maybe the saddest.


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## Deejo

Always nice to have someone post an update, even a year plus later.

Reread the thread ... even responded to your wife back in 13.

Given that the original post was over six years ago, I have to give you both credit. 

Your wife's honesty and bluntness about the state of your relationship is something many, many men that come here can relate to.

I can't say that many men would have chosen the route you took, but importantly, if you are satisfied with the state and conduct of your marriage, that is all that matters. 

So, you are having your needs met?
You trust your spouse?
Did your spouse stop posting once you did? Sure reads that way.


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## phillybeffandswiss

This is such a sad thread.


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## NobodySpecial

Amplexor said:


> Read The 5 Love Languages. It is very possible your husband's is physical touch. From your post it is obvious that yours is not. Speaking different "languages" is not uncommon. My wife and I have different ones. But we understand what is important to each other and make sure we speak to each other in their language.


ANd HEAR in each others'.


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## SecondWind

Did you like affection when you were dating?


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## stefanjames

It has a tendency that you didint fulfill His Secret Obsession ,thats why the love starts to fade away ,and all he need to you is sex...BUT in then end it have a high chance that he cheat to you,find another woman and worst is go to a DIVORCE. It has has a high chance to happen if you didint take action as a wife to regain the REAL LOVE from a relationship not just the sex. Sometimes men just like me,is just looking for One Secret Obsession to a girl. And thats the key why we keep being faithful to our partner if they fulfill that obsession.
To close this statement , according to your story...Your mans love starts to fade away because he didnt understand your situaation interms of SEX. If he truly loves you , he will UNDERSTAND it.


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## stevehowefan

It's been almost three years since I've updated the board. I think it is that long, anyway. Regardless, we are still married. We are still going strong. I've been home from offshore for about two and a half years. Being home every night has definitely helped the situation at home. This March 27th will be 18 years of marriage. There have been no indiscretions since early 2018.

Honestly, looking back at it, I had an unreasonable expectation of my sex life because I watched porn, VERY infrequently though, because I wasn't "getting what I wanted" out of my sex life. Of course this put a strain on things. I smile and frown at the same time, thinking this thread is soon to be nine years old. I also frown because I used the word "then" in one of my posts above when it should've been "than." Ughh. I know better THAN that kek.

And to second wind above, yes, she liked affection a lot. From the moment we met to the moment we got married (almost four months) to about three months after marriage, we did "it" every night. It's been a wild ride, but I'm glad to be doing it with her. I'd say Yaz had something to do with it. My own sin had something to do with it. And now that we understand these things, we are in a great place.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy

stevehowefan said:


> It's been almost three years since I've updated the board. I think it is that long, anyway. Regardless, we are still married. We are still going strong. I've been home from offshore for about two and a half years. Being home every night has definitely helped the situation at home. This March 27th will be 18 years of marriage. There have been no indiscretions since early 2018.
> 
> Honestly, looking back at it, I had an unreasonable expectation of my sex life because I watched porn, VERY infrequently though, because I wasn't "getting what I wanted" out of my sex life. Of course this put a strain on things. I smile and frown at the same time, thinking this thread is soon to be nine years old. I also frown because I used the word "then" in one of my posts above when it should've been "than." Ughh. I know better THAN that kek.
> 
> And to second wind above, yes, she liked affection a lot. From the moment we met to the moment we got married (almost four months) to about three months after marriage, we did "it" every night. It's been a wild ride, but I'm glad to be doing it with her. I'd say Yaz had something to do with it. My own sin had something to do with it. And now that we understand these things, we are in a great place.


Great update. Wishing you both all the best.


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## 24NitroglyceriN26

sweetsting00 said:


> My husband and I have been together 9 years and have been fighting over this for 6. He claims I am not affectionate and that I am not attracted to him, we are just friends and I don't love him.
> I do love him and I don't want him to leave me. But I rarely want to hug or kiss him. Like maybe 1 hug a week. We have sex 2 times a week, about every 3 or 4 days. I only do this to keep him happy. If I go longer than 4 days he starts getting depressed and mad at me. We have gone to counseling and that didn't help. He is threatening to leave me if I don't change.
> So am I suppose to just suck it up, pretend to want to have sex and force myself to hug and kiss him more to keep the peace?
> Please help... I can't talk to my mom about this and I do not have any close friends.


You aren't, so? What's new? What has changed?


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## Evinrude58

all I can say is omg some guys are content with very little.


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## 24NitroglyceriN26

sweetsting00 said:


> My husband and I have been together 9 years and have been fighting over this for 6. He claims I am not affectionate and that I am not attracted to him, we are just friends and I don't love him.
> I do love him and I don't want him to leave me. But I rarely want to hug or kiss him. Like maybe 1 hug a week. We have sex 2 times a week, about every 3 or 4 days. I only do this to keep him happy. If I go longer than 4 days he starts getting depressed and mad at me. We have gone to counseling and that didn't help. He is threatening to leave me if I don't change.
> So am I suppose to just suck it up, pretend to want to have sex and force myself to hug and kiss him more to keep the peace?
> Please help... I can't talk to my mom about this and I do not have any close friends.


Stop the fighting and you'll see. Don't stop and you won't. It takes two to fight. If you refuse to fight back or fight, if you refuse to give him something to attack you on then he won't and can't.


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## 24NitroglyceriN26

dormant said:


> Sounds like he needs to get out.


Looks like he should have never gotten in.


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## 24NitroglyceriN26

Evinrude58 said:


> all I can say is omg some guys are content with very little.


If that's all you can say then I say you had very little content.


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## 24NitroglyceriN26

Amplexor said:


> True however the concept of love languages is not obvious to many couples. While he may be providing some of those needs for her she needs to understand his needs. She doesn't understand that affection is what he needs to feel loved and valued. But she is also blessed that her husband by nature is providing hers. If she can understand that she can take steps to improve.


Love language being defined is first. Then it is its application in the world. Then, to identify it, I need know if all the world I know knows it before I could slip it in conversation. I have heard of this love language and my reaction is nearly anger.


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## 24NitroglyceriN26

sweetsting00 said:


> That is what I am worried about. He does everything right and I still don't have those feelings. I love him and I appreciate it but it doesn't "turn me on".


Gross, so you are saying other people turn you on? What does he need to do to access your light switch?


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## GoodDad5

The OP certainly sounds like my wife. Very little affection, could go without sex the rest of her life, etc. For the husband, might I recommend reading the Dads Starting Over book, along with No More Mr. Nice Guy. I have a feeling the issue I have with my wife not wanting sex with me is due to me being too much of a nice guy and too much provider and not a lover.


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