# I just don't know what to do.... Been married 6 weeks



## blindsidedinlimbo

I'm a 25 year old male in the professional world. I got married to the girl of my dreams, 28, on Labor Day. We've been together 6 years. We met in college when I was 19. We both graduated college during that time. We moved across country 3 and half years ago and moved in with each other for the first time. We were engaged for 18 months. We've moved several times together since. The wedding was the best night of my life. I got to marry my perfect girl. I just didn't realize that was far from how she apparently felt.

Things were edgy before we got married, but she's an anxious person in general and everyone told me (including her) that it was just small jitters. She was downright mean the week before. I asked her to talk to me and she didn't really. The wedding was stressful and my mom took a lot of control of it. That was hard for both us. I'm sure it was harder for her. It got away from us, but it was a fantastic party, and a fantastic weekend.

We got married.

But then things didn't get better on the honeymoon. And they didn't get better when we got home.

About three weeks ago we had a nothing argument that turned into a fight. I'd been losing my patience with her attitude, and lost my cool. But she went for a "walk" for 5 hours, left me in the dark about her wherabouts, then came home and told me she didn't think she wanted to get married.

I worked so hard to see if it was normal. I became super understanding, I wanted to work through this. I love her so much. However, three days later, we had a really awkward intimate experience where she drank herself sick without me knowing. I was baffled. I didn't understand what was going on.

I've known her passwords for her Social Media accounts for 5 years. Never once was ever tempted to check in on anything. I always trusted her completely. That night I did not. I thought something had to be up. I checked her Facebook messages and found a conversation with one of her friends from the second night of our honeymoon. It was all about how she was "dating" one of my best friends. About how she was in love with him. And that she was mad that I wasn't him. It was the most heart breaking thing I'd ever seen. 

I confronted them both. They said they only drunkenly kissed once. But they had been sneaking around behind my back since before my wedding. He came to my wedding. He let me marry her knowing what they were doing.

At this point I don't know if it got physical. But at the very least they were having an emotional affair. That is for sure. I feel terribly betrayed. I've never felt this low.

I've been a trainwreck the past three weeks. I've lost crazy weight and I'm a skinny guy to begin with. I can't sleep. We've had "deep" conversations that don't really go anywhere.

I really want to make this marriage work. I got married knowing I was in love with her. I'm not sure she is in love with me.

We started marriage counseling, but all the "trust building" suggestions from the counselor are getting dismissed by my wife. I don't want to do any of it either. The not trusting thing isn't who I am, which is why it's so hard because I definitely don't trust her.

My worst fear is that she's still here to save face with our many mutual friends, like "I tried," and that she's trying to get past a statute of limitations of me telling folks about that Facebook conversation/her emotional affair with my "friend" (I introduced them.)

In the end, though being too trusting is why I am where I am. If I look back, the signs are obvious. I'm embarrassed. I haven't spent any of the money we got for the wedding, or opened any of the gifts. I feel like I'm just going to send them back anyway if she wants to get a divorce.

Obviously, I am at fault, too. The lack of communication was a real thing that I was too dumb to figure out wasn't working. She said she never felt comfortable sharing who she really was with me. That we're two different people. That she's a bad person. Asks why do I want to save the marriage, why do I let her be so mean to me.

I don't want to make the decision. I married the girl I love. I don't think its fair for me to have to pull the plug. I want to work on my communication skills. I never realized they were a problem for so long. 

I feel like the "it's not you, it's me" approach, about how I'm a good person and she's a bad person, is a cop out.

She still doesn't talk to me about big decisions despite my pleas. She withdrew from her last quarter of grad school (now she has to wait longer for her degree), she looked at apartments. Who knows what else she's been doing without me knowing.

I don't think she's told anyone about all the details about what's going on. Obviously her one friend knows and I think she's found some folks who have been like "divorce is hard, hang in there," but without really going into it all. I don't think her mom knows anything other than we're having time. Her dad and sister know nothing about it.

Controlled separation has been brought up. I don't know how I feel about it. I get she needs her space. She wants to work on things for herself. I think that will be good for her. But I don't trust her still. I don't want to her to have no accountability for her actions. I don't want her to run into the arms of my "friend" as soon as she leaves. What about the upcoming holidays? Her drinking was worrying me before I found out about all this, and it has only gotten worse. She won't have any accountabilitiy with that either.

She doesn't feel comfortable touching me. She sits far away on the couch, rebuffs when I try to hold hands. We haven't been intimate since that terrible night. And I'll I want to do is show her how much I love her. I'm going to start individual counseling as well. She says she will, too. But I'm not sure she will.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to talk about separation. All I want to do is spend time with her, but I'm sure she feels like I'm smothering her. I need to give her space to hang out by herself, but I don't trust her.

So many feelings, so little assurances. It's just really hard. Am I going to be a 25-year-old divorced guy? How do I come back from this? People keep asking me about my marriage and the "honeymoon phase." My answer is marriage is "new" When in reality I'm like, "I have no idea what a honeymoon phase is."

I want to be the person she comes to with problems. I want so hard to be this person, but I don't think she's attracted to me anymore, and I think she might have already given up. I don't know why I'm still on the string at this point if that's the case. I'm going to work for her, I just want her to work a little bit for me, too. It's so hard. I'm going insane. That's never been my MO.

Has anyone else been in a situation like this? What can I do to keep myself from going crazy?


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## bandit.45

Annulment. 

Now. 

It's cheap and fast and you can file for it yourself. 

This marriage was DOA before the wedding.


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## bandit.45

Private message Amplexor and have him move this thread to the CWI section.


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## richie33

Annulment. Pack her bags.


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## tom67

Annulment and tell both families why this was never a marriage to begin with.


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## blindsidedinlimbo

I already checked. This situation doesn't fall under the very specific annulment requirements.

But after all that ranting, the thing that I think I really want is to try to make this work. I think the controlled separation is on the horizon, I just don't know how to cope. I'm heart broken. But I really, really think I want this to work.


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## toonaive

Can you stand another 20 or more years of this? How about adding children into the mix!. A divorce then will be much more difficult. Plain and simple, you married the wrong person for you. Forget separation, it only postpones the inevitable..what is "controlled"separation? Your controlled, and she wont be? Your only 25. End it and be done. Dont worry about your age. Chalk it up to a bad mistake. It wont ruin your life. Hardly! It gives you another chance at happiness.


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## bandit.45

blindsidedinlimbo said:


> I already checked. This situation doesn't fall under the very specific annulment requirements.
> 
> But after all that ranting, the thing that I think I really want is to try to make this work. I think the controlled separation is on the horizon, I just don't know how to cope. I'm heart broken. But I really, really think I want this to work.


I think you need to reexamine that. You've been married less than a year. No kids. No real property. Annulment should be a slam dunk. 

You're just looking for excuses to let her cuckold you. 

Go to the courthouse and talk to a clerk. They should be able to verify if you qualify. 

You know what a cuckold is? Look it up.


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## tom67

blindsidedinlimbo said:


> I already checked. This situation doesn't fall under the very specific annulment requirements.
> 
> But after all that ranting, the thing that I think I really want is to try to make this work. I think the controlled separation is on the horizon, I just don't know how to cope. I'm heart broken. But I really, really think I want this to work.


I understand you want this to work but she doesn't care!
You do not know the person you married only the one you thought you married.
You need to read 2 books...
"No More Mr Nice Guy"
"Married Mans Sex Life Primer"
Do you in the future want to raise your friends kid?
Of course not.


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## richie33

She is showing you exactly who she is. Run.


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## the guy

They only way to get rid of your funk is to take the painful steps in just letting her go.

Sorry but you really don't have anything to work with here. Can't you see she isn't going to work with you and it takes two to repair this "marriage".......I mean really this whole "marriage" thing has been one big lie.

I strongly suggest you start emotionaly detaching and stop trying to force your love on her.
The soon you just let her go the sooner she might second guess her choices...I doubt it but you never know.

What have you done to get her to think twice in what she about to lose? What actions have you taken that show her she is about to lose you? Hell she can treat you like a doormat cuz she knows you will stand for it.

From were I'm sitting she knows you aren't going no were and your right she is saving face by manipulating you to call it off 1st...BUT WHO CARES!!!!!

Just get on with your life you deserve better. Tell everyone who she is cheating with and file for divorce...it will be just a matter of time that everyone will see the truth when they are together.......wait their still together....but at least after the divorce and they hang out in public then every one will see you were right.


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## the guy

blindsidedinlimbo said:


> I already checked. This situation doesn't fall under the very specific annulment requirements.
> 
> But after all that ranting, the thing that I think I really want is to try to make this work. I think the controlled separation is on the horizon, I just don't know how to cope. I'm heart broken. But I really, really think I want this to work.


That's great you want the marriage to work....now you just need to find a wife

Cuz the one you got now is not marriage material.


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## the guy

My question is if your "wife" get prego do you mind raising your friends baby?


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## SadSamIAm

I agree with the annulment if possible. If not, divorce.

She needs to see that you will not be Plan B. That you will not put up with cheating of any kind. You need to end the marriage. If you don't, you only set yourself up for more cheating in the future.

Once you are not married, there is nothing stopping you from seeing each other if that is what you want. Then she will be forced to do the 'heavy lifting' to show you that you can trust her.

This won't ever go away. Even if you continue on and pretend it never happened. There needs to be consequences for her actions.


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## the guy

At least your wife isn't cheating on her boyfriend by having sex with you.


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## WandaJ

blindsidedinlimbo said:


> I already checked. This situation doesn't fall under the very specific annulment requirements.
> 
> But after all that ranting, the thing that I think I really want is to try to make this work. I think the controlled separation is on the horizon, I just don't know how to cope. I'm heart broken. But I really, really think I want this to work.


It takes two to tango. You are solo in this dance. 

If this is not a red flag about the quality of your marriage later on, I do not know what is. Cheating form honeymoon? WTF?? why did she even married you?


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## EleGirl

blindsidedinlimbo,

I am so sorry that this happened to you. Some times life just sucks. 

There is something that you need to realize, you don't really know who your wife is. You are in love with who you thought she was, not who she really is.

Look at the link to the 180 in my signature block below. This is how you need to be interacting with your wife right now. You need to do this for yourself so that you can get a handle on your emotions. The more you try to beg her, or get her to love you the more she will pull away.

Once you are doing a good, strong 180 with her, then you can start evaluating that can realistically be done. 

What are you doing for yourself? Are you working out? Do you have any social outlets?


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## Lon

*Re: Re: I just don't know what to do.... Been married 6 weeks*



WandaJ said:


> ... Cheating form honeymoon? WTF?? why did she even married you?


No way that this kind of start to a marriage will ever work out, and no that isn't a dare OP. You don't need to spend any further time with that girl to learn the lesson you needed to learn from her. Annul if you can else divorce, swift and painlessly.


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## bandit.45

The guidelines for annulment, if I'm not mistaken, are pretty much standardized across all the states. I don't see why he could not go and get a fast one. Unless the OP is Canadian or European, then I have no clue.


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## tom67

bandit.45 said:


> The guidelines for annulment, if I'm not mistaken, are pretty much standardized across all the states. I don't see why he could not go and get a fast one. Unless the OP is Canadian or European, then I have no clue.


Especially being married 6 weeks:scratchhead:


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## EleGirl

bandit.45 said:


> The guidelines for annulment, if I'm not mistaken, are pretty much standardized across all the states. I don't see why he could not go and get a fast one. Unless the OP is Canadian or European, then I have no clue.



Here is the basic list, it an be worded differently from state to state, but this is basically it. What would be the grounds? Fraud might be the only one I can think of. But he'd have to talk to a layer to see if that would hold up in court.

A marriage is NEVER legally valid when it is:


*Incestuous:* when the people who are married or in a registered domestic partnership are close blood relatives; or 

*Bigamous: *where a spouse or domestic partner is already married to or in a registered domestic partnership with someone else.


Other marriages and partnerships can be declared invalid because of:


*Age at the time of marriage or domestic partnership: *the party filing for the annulment was under 18 years old at the time of the marriage or domestic partnership. 

*Prior existing marriage or domestic partnership:* Either party was already legally married or in a registered domestic partnership. This is different from bigamy (which is automatically illegal) because, in this case, the marriage or domestic partnership took place after the former spouse or domestic partner was absent for 5 years and not known to be living or generally thought to be dead. 

*Unsound mind:* either party was of “unsound mind” or unable to understand the nature of the marriage or domestic partnership, including the obligations that come with it. 

*Fraud:* Either party got married or registered the domestic partnership as a result of fraud. The fraud must have been about something vital to the relationship that directly affected why the party who was deceived agreed to the marriage or domestic partnership. Some examples are marrying only to get a green card or hiding the inability to have children. 

*Force: *either party consented to getting married or filing a domestic partnership as a result of force. 

*Physical incapacity:* the parties got married or registered a domestic partnership while 1 of them was “physically incapacitated” (basically, it means that 1 of the spouses or partners was physically incapable of “consummating” the relationship) and the incapacity continues and appears to be “incurable.”


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## bandit.45

I could see fraud. She basically was in another relationship and hid the fact from him, tricking him into marrying her.


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## EleGirl

bandit.45 said:


> I could see fraud. She basically was in another relationship and hid the fact from him, tricking him into marrying her.


I would agree. But he needs to check with an attorney. What makes sense to a lot of use sometimes (often) does not hold up in court.


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## anchorwatch

Young man, I don't mean to upset you or belittle you. So don't take this as condescending. This is a pro-marriage forum, but not marriage at any cost. We have seen many others with more life experience, that have been here just as you, and felt the same way. We have seen this script played out at nauseam. The odds are against this ending well. 

She was able to fake her vows and lie right to your face, in front of all your family and friends. She is broken. She has a problem that allows her to betray others. Whether she is able to correct this flaw is not known, only time can tell that. A lot of time and growing up. One thing I can tell you, you will never trust her again. You may tell yourself you will. But some innocuous behavior will occur with her and your mind will race back to her betrayal. It will eat you from the inside and not allow the relationship to flourish. 

Listen to you self. You want to save what marriage? You don't see it or admit it yet, but you never had a marriage. A marriage is between two committed partners. She, by her words and actions, is not committed to you. So there is nothing to save except what you're falsely believing and dreaming you had. You were plan B, because plan A didn't come along in time. It means that she isn't passionately attracted to you, like lovers are. You're just a consolation prize. She doesn't even have to respect you by being faithful, because you're so into her and saving your dream of being with her, she doesn't have to put any effort into keeping you. 

Don't do it. Show her that you really do respect yourself enough not to accept this behavior and deserve better in life.


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## synthetic

Looks like there's no one around you to knock some sense into you. 

Stop being so unattractively weak. The "girl of your dreams" is nothing but a cheating ********* with no morals or decency. Get real.

Get the annulment or divorce or whatever legal crap is required to take your name off this fake marriage and follow this list to the T. You'll be a better man and in much better shape in a few weeks.

1. Read this link - *Just Let Them Go*

2. Follow the following rules: *The 180 degree rules*

3. Read this short book in the next 24 hours: *No More Mr. Nice Guy
* 
4. Separate all finances and stop supporting her 'single' lifestyle

5. Book a counseling appointment ASAP

6. Doesn't matter how you do it, but *sweat the pain of anxiety out*. Treadmills are your best friend. Use them. This is very important: You need to physically feel spent before you hit bed every night. 

7. Think a lot, read a lot, and cry as needed - This particular link should be open in your browser at all times and read multiple times: *DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?*

8. Find your social worth by socializing with as many people as possible (females work better). Spend time with friends, but don't just settle for your circle of friends. This is the best time to make new ones and feel attractive/attracted. You're not looking for sex or a relationship. You're looking for natural human attraction between you and others.

9. Do whatever it takes to go on a trip that involves a long flight, preferably to a country where English or your first language is not spoken

10. Start living an 'overly' fun life without feeling any guilt. This is the hardest task ahead. It's important to wash the guilt out of yourself once you have realized where it originates from via all the reading and counseling you've done.


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## syhoybenden

blindsidedinlimbo said:


> I already checked. This situation doesn't fall under the very specific annulment requirements.
> 
> But after all that ranting, the thing that I think I really want is to try to make this work. I think the controlled separation is on the horizon, I just don't know how to cope. I'm heart broken. But I really, really think I want this to work.


WHY? :scratchhead:

This is not working.

It will never work.

You have been played for a fool by an even more foolish pair of insensitive clowns.

Get these people out of your life and never look back.

They don't even think you're a real human being.


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## syhoybenden

Oh, and by the way, please ensure that you inform both your and her parents that she has been banging someone else before, during and after the ceremonies that they all believed were the real deal, you know, kinda like you did.


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## justastatistic

"She said she never felt comfortable sharing who she really was with me. That we're two different people. That she's a bad person. Asks why do I want to save the marriage, why do I let her be so mean to me."

That quote right there says it all. The problem is you love her, and you want her to love you, but she doesn't. That sucks, but in all honesty, it's better to find this out six weeks into the marriage than it is six years in. Do yourself a favor, get an annulment if you can, a divorce if you can't. There are so many women out there better than the one you married.

Oh, and in every way except emotionally, divorce six weeks into a marriage is NOT hard. It's about as easy as it gets.


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## bandit.45

EleGirl said:


> I would agree. But he needs to check with an attorney. What makes sense to a lot of use sometimes (often) does not hold up in court.


I know that here in Arizona, you can annul a marriage for just about any reason at all as long as it has been under a year and there are no minor children. Just as divorce is no-fault here, annulments are no-fault also. I realize it may not be so in many other states.


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## EleGirl

bandit.45 said:


> I know that here in Arizona, you can annul a marriage for just about any reason at all as long as it has been under a year and there are no minor children. Just as divorce is no-fault here, annulments are no-fault also. I realize it may not be so in many other states.


Here's the list for Arizona.... I see one that might apply. Of course as it always is, application of the law often depends on the judge hearing the case.

•One of the parties was married to someone else (bigamy).

•The parties are related by blood.

•One of the parties was a minor at the time of the marriage, and did not obtain the consent of a parent or guardian.

•One or both of the parties lacked the mental capacity to get married.

•One of both of the parties lacked the physical capacity to get married.

•One or both of the parties were intoxicated at the time they married.

*•One or both of the parties lacked the intent to enter into a marriage contract.*

•The parties failed to obtain a proper, official marriage license.

•The parties used a proxy (substitute) instead of marrying each other in person.

•One of the parties perpetrated a fraud to get the other party to consent to the marriage.

•One party used force (legally known as "duress") to get the other party to agree to marriage.

•The parties have not had sexual relations or one party refused to have intercourse.

•One of the parties misrepresented his or her religion.

•One of the parties concealed his or her prior marital status.

•One of the parties secretly planned to evade a premarital agreement.


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## annabeth

It's better you avoid her first and let her go.. Because she is no more happy and interested to have this marriage relationship. Why would you struggle in forcing her to have relationship with?? 
I can understand it's very hard to let go a true love as soon as marriage happened recently. Even counseling doesn't work in your case because you mentioned that she is not building the conversation and opening up. Separation between you both is the better choice to have a best future.


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## justastatistic

It doesn't matter whether it's an annulment or a divorce, so long as he ends it. She asked him why he wants to save the marriage, and why he lets her be so mean to him. Put another way in light of her actions and other statements, what she really meant to say was 

"Why do you want to save this marriage when I am so clearly telling/showing you that I do not want to be married to you?"

Seriously OP, why do you love her? She is not a lovable person, and she clearly does not want to b e married to you. Take the hint and give her what she wants. I know you're hurting. Not having your love returned hurts. But the best way to stop that hurt and heal is to end the relationship.


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## turnera

What you're really saying is that you want to know how to make her want you. 

You can't. 

It's futile.

The best that you can do is read No More Mr Nice Guy and figure out how to NOT be a Nice Guy. That MIGHT attract her to you, but is not a guarantee.


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## Blossom Leigh

Darlin' my heart is broken for you. 

What a wretchedly cruel thing to do to you.

Move yourself to a place of safety away from her resulting abusiveness so that your mind can clear enough to make a sound decision. 

There is nothing here that says this is a marriage to remain tied to. 

What are your parents telling you to do?


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## TooFamliar

You sound like a great guy you really do! But if she is talking now about wanting to be with someone else this early on I cant see it working. Someone once gave me a tip before I got married. They said if there are things your fiance does now that bother you, add 10, 20 years to it. Those things will drive you crazy. They don't get better. I can vouch for this 23 years later it festers.. The relationship was not built on trust which is the most important foundation of a successful marriage.


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## HiLibido

TooFamliar said:


> The relationship was not built on trust which is the most important foundation of a successful marriage.


Now THAT's hitting the nail on the head!


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## Mr.Fisty

Detach, and learn that you can't make anyone do anything.

Your attachment was made to a lie, an image of the person who you thought she was.

Your probably only in love with the idea of her, and not her.

If one of your traits is honesty, she does not possess it.

Your attachment is keeping you in denial. You have been falsely mislead into marriage.

Can you honestly say that you have been happy in this relationship. 

Is she meeting any of your needs?

Are you ashamed of a failed marriage and that is why you are clinging on so hard?

Acknowledge that you made a mistake for a wife, and you should seek help, because your condience and self worth is shot.

If you were level headed and strong, you wouldn't put up this behavior in your right mind.


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## WifeyRes

RUN for your life...


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## Jharm

wow, sorry. That is super painful. Start getting angry, it helps with the pain and helps to put things into perspective more. 

Ignore her a$$... No contact..


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## Jellybeans

Get an annullment.

This is a horrible way to start a "marriage." She's in love with someone else, told you she didn't want to get married, and won't even touch you.


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## NewLifePlease

I know a lot of people have given their advice which I agree with. Being someone who has been so unhappy in marriage I can tell you one thing that is true:

Choose your spouse carefully.... choose the right partner, and your life will be filled with many years of happiness...choose the wrong one, and you could look forward to years of misery.

Marriage is HARD! Eventually the romantic love fades and the little things you think were cute about each other start to annoy you. When life gets stressful you will eat at each other like animals. (Why don't you read some of the posts on this board).

You MUST be sure that your partner is committed, shares the same values, communicates his/her feelings.

I know you are in shock and don't want to give up on your dream, but that is what it is. This is an open and shut case. You have to let leave the marriage and do it before it gets more complicated.


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## Cynthia

Why do you think you could not get an annulment? What are the rules in your state? Your wife deceived you. Would you have married her had you known?


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## Runaway

Honestly, I say you should get a divorce. If she is not happy with you now, she won't be in the years to come- (she will regret it). Just let her go and give her the option to leave or stay -at the end you save yourself from so much heartache. I have been married for 3 years to my "BF" (so i thought). We knew each other for 5 years before we got married. Like you, I trusted him with my heart, I never snooped around his emails or Facebook and I wish I had. A little less than 2 months in our marriage we got pregnant and I went to the doctors and they told me that my results came positive for STD'S! (WHAT! THAT'S CRAZY) I did confront him and he told me he was young and stupid and that it was only a 1 time thing. I believed him. I just found out he was screwing someone I knew and they had been chatting. I was so shattered - (How can you do this to me?) He is in the military and leaves for periods of time- but I Don't Trust Him. I ask myself why am I here? What do I get out of this relationship? Nothing, I just hope things change.... but, maybe they won't and I am wasting my years in this relationship. We did try marriage counseling and finished it and things have gotten somewhat better. But I feel he still does his things and is sneaky about it. you can't change a person. I I regret the day I knew and not leave. I'm only in this relationship because we have a 2 children. I am planning to leave this year when he comes back from deployment.


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## Mr The Other

Clearly you have to leave.

It cannot be more clear cut that it is not your fault, but there is a voice in the back of your head saying you must make it work. You cannot help that voice being there, but if it posted on here it would clearly be an idiot. So, ignore that voice.

The NMMNG is likely to be good advice, particularly as a 22yo going out with a slim 19yo lad was probably looking to be in charge. However, this is not on you. Many blokes are the nice guys in that book and have perfectly decent marriages. Frankly, take advice from men in good marraiges and they will not have much applicable expereince, as good marriages cannot be built on the terrible foundation you have. Leave, be public with your reasons if you are asked.


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## CH

Another pedestal pusher....The perfect girl of his dreams.....The white knight saving the princess from the evil dragon and living happily ever after.

Little hint, there's someone out there better than her who won't cheat on you.


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