# If someone goes to their X's house and stays the night.. is it a gauranteed PA?



## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Okay, on one of my other threads I mentioned that my wife slept with her XH when she ran from our problems because she couldn't handle it. 

Now on several occassions she would stay over at his place or her daughters when we fought.

She has known him since teenage years.. but they never got together until 2005 and by '09 it was over. She said they should have never married in the first place.

She says she only slept with him once. The other times she says she just stayed there because she was tired of fighting me.

Okay, now when I got divorced from my previous wife.. we actually remained friends. She would come over on Satruday evenings, watch movies with me, sleep in the same bed as me, we would hold each other and watch football on Sunday.. then she would go home.

And guess what we DIDN'T have sex.

It's seems on TAM that if someone leaves the home for a night.. it's automatic PA .

Has anybody else ever done that? NOT have sex with their x if they spent the night?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well, I've never gone to an ex's for the night either way.

But I have stayed over with men in the past who I dated and not had sex with them.

Of course it's possible that she did not have sex with him when she was over there. But, there is no way for the spouse (you in this case) to know what went on. So the presumption is that there was sex. To protect one's spouse, it's best to avoid things like this. Most times when a man and woman spend the night together, people assume that sex happened. Why put your spouse through that uncertainty?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

They're having sex. 

He would not be putting up with her drama and emotions if her wasn't getting some from here

She knows how it looks and would be making a very different choice if she wasn't having sex with him. 

Gotta wonder how many of those fights are initiated by her so she can go see him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> They're having sex.
> 
> He would not be putting up with her drama and emotions if her wasn't getting some from here
> 
> ...


This.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> They're having sex.
> 
> He would not be putting up with her drama and emotions if her wasn't getting some from here
> 
> ...


They have been friends for 38 years.. I believe she slept with him the first time because she admitted to being drunk, we had fought and she openly admitted it. 

Her two younger kids grew up with his two kids ( They are the same age).

I am aware that he wants her back, not just have a FBuddy, she doesn't want to go back to him.. she just doesn't have anywhere to go when she wants away from me.. The daughters apartment isn't always available. He has told her many times he wants her back,, she has always said no. 

She has no friends because of work and the daily grind.

I am not trying to make excuses.. but I can't believe I am the only one who didn't jump on my X when she stayed over.. I am sure her causual boyfriend thought I did.. and she didn't stay over to get back at him for anything.. she stayed over on a very routine basis.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> They're having sex.
> 
> He would not be putting up with her drama and emotions if her wasn't getting some from here
> 
> ...


Oh yes he would... I know the guy.. he knows me. He's not a complicated guy by anymeans. He puts up with her because he DOES want it... she just isn't putting out. 

It's her safe haven... I know she uses him for that..

Since we have been seperated he has been trying to get back with her. Why did she go get her own place when his door is open for FREE?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ostera,

So you know that it's possible that she only had sex with him one of the occassions that she slept over at his house to get away with you.

How do you feel about the one time she admits to?

How do you feel about her putting in you a position of having to wonder what did or did not happen when she stayed over at the house of a man who wants her back?

Why does she have to leave your house when she gets upset? She can she not find a quiet place in your house to calm down and comptemplate things? It is not normal for a wife (or husband) to leave the house for the night.

If you do take her back you need to make her staying home even after fights/arguments one of the rules.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

She cheated on you. She is a liar. You cannot believe anything she says. You need to watch her actions, not her lips. 

From her actions, it looks like she has slept with him more than once. Read the CWI section...so many times after a "fight" the WS goes to the APs house to have sex. 

I know everyone is different, but the more you post about your wife, the more she seems to be following the 'script'.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Ostera,
> 
> So you know that it's possible that she only had sex with him one of the occassions that she slept over at his house to get away with you.
> 
> ...



She a 'runner'. Remember in my last post I mentioned the PTSD from beng shot... she is very fearful of stressful situations because she believes they will turn violent..

She freaks when someone raiser their voice any place we go out.. she equates that to gun fire... her fears are very real. I can see it on her face when she starts to have panic attacks.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Yeah, shes sleepin with him


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

whether she's sleeeping with him or not it should be treated as such.

thats what you would be thinking....and she is the one making you think that.....and she knows it.

so, yeah....may as well be.

it's like going to the chicken ranch and expecting your wife to trust you.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

But why does she run to HIM? Why doesn't she go to a hotel?


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> But why does she run to HIM? Why doesn't she go to a hotel?


She has done that too.. I went and got her a couple times the next morning... She goes wherever she can at the time.. her daughters is her preference and i should have made that clear in the beginning.. if she doesn't have the cash it's with him. If she's got the cash it's hotel time.

I know everybody thinks I'm stupid thinking she is being honest but she has too much guilt to keep a lie.. it eats at her too much and with her high level of anxiety there is no way she can keep it in... Like I've said, she's not good with cooping.

Most of these events I speak on are over a year old. When she left though in September he contacted her because he found out we seperated through his and her kids (they are friends and grew up together). She didn't go back to him because her friends at work (who are actually mor loyal to me) said she wasn't seeing anyone (i know, now tell me it's a big conspiracy of covering it up).

He contacted her and she has told me she just want to go back being friends with him but she knows he wants more and she said she can't go back to that relationship,. It worked as friends, not H&W. 

He's too controlling due to his culture. Remember, I know him... I've seen him in action.. she was more like property than a wife.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

So far it looks like she is motivated... she just emailed me saying she is excited about trying to work this out that she is looking forwary to IC so that she can deal with being scared and paranoid all the time.. 

Like I've said , she can't handle stressful situations well.. She is fragile and hopefully the therapist can diminish these demons.


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