# Husband can't believe I'm divorcing him and won't give up trying to win me back



## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

I recently filed for divorce as there was huge problems within my marriage. My husband can't believe I've done this and is reluctant to give me an easy divorce and is doing everything he thinks may change my mind, all the things I wanted him to do whilst we were married, however, it's too late now and I need and want to move on.

My problem is...he doesn't seem to fully grasp this, he just keeps trying his best to change my mind rather than accept it.

I am concerned that because of this he's going to make divorce difficult by refusing to sign the papers.

Has anyone any advice with what I can do to make this as quick as possible, even if he isn't compliant? 




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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

If you haven't moved out yet, that would help. Staying under the same roof will only drag it out, if he is going to drag it out. He doesn't own you, let him rant on lol If you want out, file...and then move out, eventually he has to comply.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I didn't think he would take it well. 

If he refuses to sign the papers does that delay the divorce? Doesn't it take a year under normal circumstances?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Each state has different divorce laws. Google divorce laws in your state. It tells you how long it takes for uncontested vs. contested. There is a difference between not signing the papers, and not responding to your petition for divorce. 

Educate yourself..... it helps get rid of all the "what ifs".


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## golfpanther (Nov 30, 2016)

SunnyT said:


> Each state has different divorce laws. Google divorce laws in your state. It tells you how long it takes for uncontested vs. contested. There is a difference between not signing the papers, and not responding to your petition for divorce.
> 
> Educate yourself..... it helps get rid of all the "what ifs".


The location for the OP says Dublin, so state laws (guessing you mean America) won't help her if that's accurate.

I read up a little on Irish divorces and it seems that it takes 4 years of living separately before the proceedings can actually begin? Is that right? That just seems crazy to me, and this is coming from a guy whose wife recently moved out and is supposed to file any day now for a divorce I don't want.

If you are living in Dublin and that is the case for you, I'm really sorry, that's a ridiculous amount of time to wait.

But in terms of how to deal with him, I'd call, text, see him face to face or whatever you're comfortable with and just say there is no chance at reconciliation. You don't have to be mean about it, but be firm and then tell him that after that conversation you won't reply to any communication (you can set some parameters where you're okay with it if you like—i.e. emergencies, something for the divorce etc.).

After that, stay firm. Just out of curiosity, how much communication is taking place between the two of you now? Understand that he will equate any communication to hope that the marriage can be saved. Even if it's you telling him over and over it's done, the constant engagement will send his scrabbled brain the message that as long as you're talking to him, there's a chance something can change your mind.

Hope it gets better for you.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Is it accurate that the Divorce Act requires that the couple must have lived apart for at least four of the five years before proceedings are issued in Ireland?

ETA... just looked at this : http://www.lawyer.ie/family-law/how-to-divorce/


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> If you haven't moved out yet, that would help. Staying under the same roof will only drag it out, if he is going to drag it out. He doesn't own you, let him rant on lol If you want out, file...and then move out, eventually he has to comply.




I haven't moved out but I've put him out, he's living with a family member right now. And I haven't seen him in around a month. You're right he doesn't own me and he needs to comply.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

Openminded said:


> I didn't think he would take it well.
> 
> 
> 
> If he refuses to sign the papers does that delay the divorce? Doesn't it take a year under normal circumstances?




He hasn't taken it well at all. Yes, it puts a huge delay on things. Here in Ireland divorce proceedings can take years to finalise, so I'm just concerned that he will do everything to make things difficult for me.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

SunnyT said:


> Each state has different divorce laws. Google divorce laws in your state. It tells you how long it takes for uncontested vs. contested. There is a difference between not signing the papers, and not responding to your petition for divorce.
> 
> 
> 
> Educate yourself..... it helps get rid of all the "what ifs".




That's what I need to do, do some research and find out more and then I can use it if I need to. 


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

golfpanther said:


> The location for the OP says Dublin, so state laws (guessing you mean America) won't help her if that's accurate.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




You're right, it can take years here in Ireland, it's ridiculous. 

At the moment I haven't saw him in a month and he has been staying with family as I don't want to he under the same roof. He was reluctant about staying elsewhere but I was firm and told him that if he came by the house I would let everyone know why I'm divorcing him. 

So far the communication is via messaging as I won't take any of his calls, I don't respond to his messages but he constantly sends them and continues to phone hoping I'll answer. He sends gifts and has changed his job so he can be at home rather than away, something I wanted for a long time whilst we were together but unfortunately it's too late now. 


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Is it accurate that the Divorce Act requires that the couple must have lived apart for at least four of the five years before proceedings are issued in Ireland?
> 
> ETA... just looked at this : http://www.lawyer.ie/family-law/how-to-divorce/




It is pretty accurate and it is such a screwed up system. 


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Is it accurate that the Divorce Act requires that the couple must have lived apart for at least four of the five years before proceedings are issued in Ireland?
> 
> ETA... just looked at this : http://www.lawyer.ie/family-law/how-to-divorce/


They are trying to get legislation to change it. 
Not really on the list of priorities in our government. 


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Loveontherocks said:


> I was firm and told him that if he came by the house I would let everyone know why I'm divorcing him.


Why are you divorcing him?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

turnera said:


> Why are you divorcing him?


*In addition to that, (1)how many children do you have together, (2)have the two you tried committing to marriage, church, or psychological counseling,(3)is this the first marriage for you, and if so, how long have the two of you been married, and (4)do the both of you actively work outside the home?*


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> They are trying to get legislation to change it.
> Not really on the list of priorities in our government.
> 
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk




I think the government are still living in the Stone Age at times, it's like our laws can be so backwards. 


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Four years is insanity!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

turnera said:


> Why are you divorcing him?


As I recall he's a lying, unrepentant cheater.

OP, is that correct?


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

turnera said:


> Why are you divorcing him?




He cheated before we were married and hid the extent of it for four years, I only found out a few months ago.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *In addition to that, (1)how many children do you have together, (2)have the two you tried committing to marriage, church, or psychological counseling,(3)is this the first marriage for you, and if so, how long have the two of you been married, and (4)do the both of you actively work outside the home?*




We don't have any children. We have had marriage counselling which didn't work for us. Yes, it's the first marriage for both of us. He works away and I am not working at present due to closing my business down.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> Four years is insanity!




It is, it feels so backwards here sometimes when it comes to issues of this nature.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> As I recall he's a lying, unrepentant cheater.
> 
> 
> 
> OP, is that correct?




That is 100% correct. You've gave an accurate description of him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Loveontherocks said:


> That is 100% correct. You've gave an accurate description of him.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Grounds For Divorce | Family Law Ireland

Under Irish law you might be considered to be living apart when you are living under the same roof.


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## golfpanther (Nov 30, 2016)

Loveontherocks said:


> You're right, it can take years here in Ireland, it's ridiculous.
> 
> At the moment I haven't saw him in a month and he has been staying with family as I don't want to he under the same roof. He was reluctant about staying elsewhere but I was firm and told him that if he came by the house I would let everyone know why I'm divorcing him.
> 
> ...


It sounds like you're doing everything right in terms of sending a strong message that this is over. A month isn't that long, so this might continue a while longer. It's tough I'm sure, but I'd hope that in Ireland, like the US, that it will still move forward as long as you want it.

That is one thing I would do and I think other posters have written this as well—find out everything you can about the process and how much, if any, leverage he has to stop the divorce or make it drag on and on. You don't have kids so that should make it far easier.

One thing I would avoid from here on out are threats like telling him you'd let everyone know why you're divorcing him if he comes by the house. For one, in his state he might look at it like a fight rather than something meant to send a clear message that it's over. A fight can be "won" so that might have had the unintended consequence of giving him a new goal—to get you to allow him to come to the house to see you.

Second, there could be the potential for him to use that during the divorce process. For example, he could claim that he you denied him access to his home (if he's listed on the lease/mortgage) and threatened him to force the issue. It might not lead to anything substantive, but it could create more legal headaches and costs for you and you don't want that. Also, if he is listed on the lease/mortgage for your current address, I'd suggest you leave if you can or at least explore options to get him off the paperwork. After that, he has no legal reason to be there if you don't want him there.

Hope he backs off soon and that the years you have left to go in this are easier than what's happened so far.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Contact an attorney. Best thing I could have done to make the divorce as smooth as possible. Great advise and super helpful. He does not have to hire an attorney. What I told my attorney was that I wanted them for guidance and wanted to do our divorce as much as possible ourselves and the ex agreed. I felt better by having that legal backing just in case he did decide he was going to try to fight anything. I agreed to things that he asked of me and I wish I had not. I was trying to keep peace and I was advised not to change anything just to keep peace.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Grounds For Divorce | Family Law Ireland
> 
> 
> 
> Under Irish law you might be considered to be living apart when you are living under the same roof.




I'll have to look into that some more.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

golfpanther said:


> It sounds like you're doing everything right in terms of sending a strong message that this is over. A month isn't that long, so this might continue a while longer. It's tough I'm sure, but I'd hope that in Ireland, like the US, that it will still move forward as long as you want it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I've never looked at it from that point of view, he may see it as fighting talk, and I don't want that.

We are both on the mortgage and so far he has been very cooperative by staying away as requested and allowing me my space. By doing that he thinks he's giving me time to think and perhaps reconsider, that's what he's hoping for but it won't happen. 

I just want the process to be as brief as possible, have wasted a lot of time and don't want to waste anymore on him. 


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

AVR1962 said:


> Contact an attorney. Best thing I could have done to make the divorce as smooth as possible. Great advise and super helpful. He does not have to hire an attorney. What I told my attorney was that I wanted them for guidance and wanted to do our divorce as much as possible ourselves and the ex agreed. I felt better by having that legal backing just in case he did decide he was going to try to fight anything. I agreed to things that he asked of me and I wish I had not. I was trying to keep peace and I was advised not to change anything just to keep peace.




That's good advice and I will pay attention to it. 

I have spoken with an attorney in regards to filing for divorce and all that's gone through, regarding separation and what happens with assets and so on is something I need to find out more about, I need to keep myself safe along with my finances.


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