# Wife is more interested in our 14 year old son's love life than our own.



## arman (Jun 4, 2014)

My 14 year old son has been interested in girls since age 10. He his handsome and very popular among the girls at his school. He has had about 10 different girl friends at different times over the last 4 years. Over the last 2 - 3 years my wife has made it a point to get to know each of his girlfriends really well, almost to the point of obsession. She will talk and text to them over the phone quite a few times in a day. She has friended each of them on facebook and often stays up to 2 or 3 a.m. in the morning checking and commenting on their posts. During many weekends she will drive him to his girl friend or bring her to our house. Our son can act out, be disrespectful, and not mind throughout the week but she still makes sure he spends time with his girlfriend so he can have his needs for romance and intimacy fulfilled when he's not in school. My wife has been a stay at home mom for the last 3 years and may be bored at times from not having a job. It seems as though my wife goes out her way to make sure our son's needs for romance and intimacy are met while neglecting my needs and our love life. I feel so alone at night sometimes. My wife is in her late 30s but it seems like she is trying to relive her teenage years through our son. Is it kind of strange or unusual for a mother to act like this?

I love my wife very much and we get along just fine and do things together when our kids are in school during the day. When the kids are home she seems much more interested in being a mother than a wife. 

How can I get my wife to stop this and have her devote more time and energy for intimacy and romance in our love life?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You can start by telling her what you just wrote. She needs to know that she's neglecting you and she needs to be a little more responsive to your needs.

I hope she listens to you and it works out but remember she's not a mind reader and if you already brought the subject up and it fell on deaf ears then you need to speak louder and clearer so she knows you not kidding.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

How is your marriage in general? It seems like your wife is avoiding spending time with you. There must be a reason for that.

Do you meet her needs? Has she tried to talk to you before about something she needs from you? 

Not saying this is the case, just asking the question


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Time for her to go back to work....too much time on her hands.


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

Just wanted to ask as not sure I got your post correctly.

Your wife encourages your son to be intimate with his girlfriends? Since he was 10? 

And your complain is she is not intimate with you?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

A 14 y/o doesn't have a "need" for romance and intimacy. Any intimacy should be the kind same-sex best friends have.

I think it's poor parenting for her to encourage these relationships at this age when the closest a 14y/o should get to dating is hanging at the local pizza place with a big group which may or may not include some girls he's crushing on.

The whole facebook stalking thing and texting his girlfriends until 2 am is weird, obsessive and unhealthy. (and if I found out some boys mother were doing this with MY daughter it would be a HUGE red flag and I wouldn't want her involved with them. And I would take away the phone at bedtime! What about respect for the girls' sleep! She wants to be his best buddy and not a parent, it seems like. He needs boundaries, big time. She needs to set them. She is grooming him to be arrogant - he will expect girls to fawn over him and that he is superior and should be excused from consequences of his actions. This will NOT serve him well. No wonder he's disrespectful. Kids actually do much better WITH boundaries. 

I love hearing about my 15y/o's friends and social life and she has been taken to the mall to hang out with a boy as well as taken to the movies with a boy and a group of mixed gender friends but no one-on-one dates or going to someone's house. I like knowing her friends and hearing things about them because it's a way to monitor the types of kids she hangs out with and we talk about the mistakes they make (sex, not trying in school, etc.) and the long-term ramifications. And a couple are FB friends and on occasion I will like a photo or comment but they aren't my buddies and I consider myself a role model for them. If they use bad language, I may comment or if they complain about school being a waste of time, I may comment something encouraging but that's the limit. 

Not only will he have a sense of entitlement but you may very well end up with a teen pregnancy. He won't want the responsibility, he'll resent it and it could very well screw up his future if he wants to go to college but has to pay child support at 18.

Get the whole family to a family counselor. Make an appointment and 'interview' the counselor and explain your concerns. Family counselors often see family members separate as well as together in different configurations. Post divorce I chose one who saw me, kiddo and ex - sometimes alone, a couple times me and ex, me and kiddo, ex and kiddo... so it can also serve as a little IC for your wife or son as needed and they understand the whole family dynamic.

It's not too late to straighten it all out. Including yourself. Why you don't put your foot down and say "NO, he's grounded, he can't go" is another issue to resolve. Stop tip toeing around both of them and be the man. You might find this assertive, take control side appeals to her and the side effect could be more intimacy for YOU but you've got to straighten out the whole situation first.

ETA - yes, your wife needs to get a job. And yes she's trying to relive her youth. And she needs to grow the F up and step up to the plate as a woman and a mother. She can be both. Something I have pointed out before to women who are all about their kids - along with reminding them the kids will grow up and move on - is that I was a woman first, a wife second and a mother third. I still need to nurture that woman. She was here FIRST. Not a 'girl' because I grew up - that woman has needs, friends, interests and responsibilities. You can't neglect being a wife and a mother but you can't do either well when you neglect yourself as a woman and an individual. My identity is not wife (ha - certainly not anymore) or mother. My identity is EnjoliWoman and that should not change. She needs her identity and a job will help.


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