# Someone please help me!!!!



## Confused32 (Dec 18, 2009)

I just can't deal right now!!! I moved four states away, starting a new job, got in a new relationship and everything is just great in my life. I'm happy things are going well and my relationship is moving in a positive forward direction. But every time I get close to making a bigger step with my new man, my ex husband just pops up with this "I've been trying to make myself better for you I havent dated anyone Im trying to be the man you want me to be youre impatient youre not giving me time" It throws everything off confuses me stresses me out and makes me question everything!!! It causes problems in my current relationship and brings up guilt from the divorce and questions of whether or not I did the right thing and I just don't know what to do!
I already called off our wedding once and then I rescheduled for us to elope on New Years Eve and now Im just stressed and perplexed. My marital values and morals are so strong and the only way I could not feel guilty about the divorce is if I got back with my husband and stayed with him for life. But I feel like we can never fix things and he let it get to divorce why should I trust anything he says now?? I feel like the drama will never go away! 

HELP ME!! I love them both! Im not sure where to go with my life! Should I just say forget them both and be on my own for a while?


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

AWE,
Please, Don't feel guilty or trapped by beliefs that would keep you attached to something you already decided will not work. Marraige is a relationship with a contract. With or without paper, two people agreeing to be together should always act with love for each other and agree to get back on track when something is not right, seems that did not take place in your marraige. 
Come on!!! You decided in the past that the pain of being with him, overcame the guilt or stigma of divorce. DONT let that time has healed your wounds, allow you to go back on your decisions.

Think about this. If you throw away what your have accomplished, and go back and then you find yourself in the same situation as before... What will you do then?

If you're really happy now..."REALLY", shut out the ex. Do you have to have contact with him for some reason? If not why does he even know how to get you? I dont know anything. Im just a believer that once you make a decision, unless the information upon which that decision is made dramatically changes, stck with it. Don't second guess yourself. 

Sounds like you've made some big steps. Do you wanna retrace?

Could you elaborate the timeline for all this?
I would not want to see you go into another marraige to make yourself feel better about getting divorced. 
I'm worried that you automatically don't know what to do!!!
Trust yourself!!! 


HAPPY NEW YEAR!!


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Who would you rather have sex with?

This is a completely serious question.


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## jaxky (Dec 26, 2009)

calm down,

1. ask for a time out from both of the guys, 

2. think and evaluate them in your own time, ask opinion from people who knows and close to you (God, your spiritual advisor, your friends, your parents, co-workers..)

3. see what their reaction, if they give you the time, it means that they sincerely love you and want to give you the "break"..

keep us updated with your condition..

wish u the best,

get yourself the latest dating and relationship tips for free


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

Atholk said:


> Who would you rather have sex with?
> 
> This is a completely serious question.


Read her post.

Heart/mind divide thing, its always mind to hubby/heart to lover. Usually this means taking on a lover while keeping hubby in tow, and feeling guilty about it.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

AlexNY said:


> Read her post.
> 
> Heart/mind divide thing, its always mind to hubby/heart to lover. Usually this means taking on a lover while keeping hubby in tow, and feeling guilty about it.


I did read her post. It's not clear to me if her fiance is "hubby" and the x-husband is the "lover", or the other way around though.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

jaxky said:


> 3. see what their reaction, if they give you the time, it means that they sincerely love you and want to give you the "break"


This simply isn't true. If they pursue her it means they are interested and still in the running for being with her. This entire situation is caused by the x-husband pursuing her and keeping himself on her radar as a possible sexual partner. Whoever leaves her alone at this point will lose because they are not displaying interest in her and she will choose whoever she is most exposed to most likely.

If the fiance isn't getting pissed off at the entire situation, and making demands on her to cut off all contact with the x-husband, or starting to display a desire to intercept his approaches on her, he is making a bad mistake and will be starting to look like a coward to her. 

The situation is continuing because both she and the fiance are allowing it to happen. Frankly I think she doesn't want to make a decision here, but would like the men to make the decision for her by one of them displaying greater dominance and interest in her.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Atholk said:


> Frankly I think she doesn't want to make a decision here, but would like the men to make the decision for her by one of them displaying greater dominance and interest in her.


If I had noticed this post earlier, I would have said exactly this truth.

All good men and women read Atholk quote above, and take this to the bank.


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## Confused32 (Dec 18, 2009)

Oh, wow. That's a really strong statement and honestly I don't think I can argue with it. 

In response to 
"You decided in the past that the pain of being with him, overcame the guilt or stigma of divorce. DONT let that time has healed your wounds, allow you to go back on your decisions."

This is true. I didn't want to get a divorce ever. But I also didn't think it was good for me to be with him anymore.


In response to
"Who would you rather have sex with?"
Ummm....one time my ex but on a long term basis the one I am with now. 

In response to 

". think and evaluate them in your own time, ask opinion from people who knows and close to you (God, your spiritual advisor, your friends, your parents, co-workers..)"
Everyone is completely against my ex and was really happy when he was out of my life and are in support of the one Im with now

In response to

"If the fiance isn't getting pissed off at the entire situation, and making demands on her to cut off all contact with the x-husband, or starting to display a desire to intercept his approaches on her, he is making a bad mistake and will be starting to look like a coward to her. "
He isn't really fully aware of the situation. He doesnt understand why I married my ex in the first place and he knows that my ex contacts me and I usually get annoyed or angry or upset. He just lets me deal with it and come to him when I want to and he never asks what happened or anything. He just trusts me I guess.

In response to

Frankly I think she doesn't want to make a decision here, but would like the men to make the decision for her by one of them displaying greater dominance and interest in her.

I would say there is part truth in this. I enjoy when my ex is trying to be dominant and take interest but also at the same time it makes me mad that he didnt do this WHILE we were married and WHILE our marriage was hitting the wall and BEFORE I said enough was enough and ended everything. 



I greatly appreciate everyones responses. I surprised I didn't get more backlash as now that Ive slept on it and have a clear head I see that I sounded completely ridiculous. My ex is complete poison in my life. He disappointed me in great ways and lead me to do something I am completely against and do not agree with (divorce). He let it get to the point of no return and him wanting to return now is just too bad so sad for him. The man I am with now is everything I didn't have then and more and I need to stop letting the poison ruin a good thing before I end up with nothing.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Confused32 said:


> Oh, wow. That's a really strong statement and honestly I don't think I can argue with it.
> 
> 
> In response to
> ...



This is very good you have slept on the situation and coming to this with a clear head.

Do not worry to the "backlash", it is not long on these forums for us to all learn as humans how we love and feel sexual attraction is nothing to do with logic or even common sense! 

If your new man was on this forum, I would have some strong words of advice for him. 1st is to step in and show his jealously that you are dealing with, on a personal an emotionally vulnerable level with your ex-man. 

Be sure he feels it, he is just not at the point in the relationship to feel it is appropriate to show it. Anything you can do to communicate that his feelings of being proud to be your man and jealously over you will be most helpful to you both.

2nd, to him and any other good man reading this, to the woman you love ALWAYS to be more the man than any ex, even twice to three times this man is not a bad thing. A woman is loving the man that is jealous over her! Do not be afraid to show these feelings, it is bliss for both of you!

The opposite, to think it is a good thing to give a woman "space" to "work things out", such as with the ex-man or something, even with good intentions maybe thinking it is good to "trust" a woman, is a sure fire way to throw the relationship into the tailspin!

Even so, as the woman do not beat yourself up for this confusion and anguish, it is most natural for a young woman who is obviously attracting to many men to feel guilt and confusion and tearing in different directions under these situations.

I wish you well.


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