# I'm ready to give up...



## woogy (Dec 20, 2012)

I've been having so many bad days lately, I'm just ready to give up with this R and be done. My H is being transparent, he gave me access to everything which helps. My problem is he has a game site he doesn't play anymore that she's still on his friends list and I had to ask him to remove her from his Yahoo messenger acct. Yes he doesn't use messenger anymore but still, I shouldn't have to ask him to remove her. To me if he cared about me and our marriage working, he would have done this on his own. I don't know, maybe its just me and these emotions are so overwhelming. Its just so frustrating. It helps to come here and vent!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I dont know your details but I will say that my H made alot of errors during R too. He still does on occassion. Here's the thing- sometimes they have no better idea of what to do than you do. 

Should you have to tell him this stuff- NO. But the fact is you do. If he doesnt play that game or use that account he probably just didnt 'bother'.Yes that sucks. But sit him down and tell him you need him to be more proactive! He needs to be more aggressive in this R for you to heal. Ask him if she exists anywhere else and have him delete her. Tell him this is something you need him to do. To seek out the places he let her seep into your/his life and close those doors. My H changed his email address, closed his fb and LI accts and changed his phone number for starters. This is a good place for him to start.

You cant sit idley by and wait for him to do the right thing. I know you wnat him to just know- He doesnt. Frustrating as hell, I know. So tell him. And tell him that you dont like having to tell him.

btw- EAor PA?


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Was it an oversight on his part or was he being devious? If oversight, even though insensitive, maybe that can be forgiven. If he's trying to hold onto something, that's a different story.

Good luck to you.


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## woogy (Dec 20, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> I dont know your details but I will say that my H made alot of errors during R too. He still does on occassion. Here's the thing- sometimes they have no better idea of what to do than you do.
> 
> Should you have to tell him this stuff- NO. But the fact is you do. If he doesnt play that game or use that account he probably just didnt 'bother'.Yes that sucks. But sit him down and tell him you need him to be more proactive! He needs to be more aggressive in this R for you to heal. Ask him if she exists anywhere else and have him delete her. Tell him this is something you need him to do. To seek out the places he let her seep into your/his life and close those doors. My H changed his email address, closed his fb and LI accts and changed his phone number for starters. This is a good place for him to start.
> 
> ...


It was a long distance EA over the internet, games, skype, IMs. I have told him I want him to be more proactive and to take her off any other accounts he may have. He told me there are not any other account, this is it. I guess I'm leary since he told me prior when we decided to try R and he moved back home that he deleted her contact info from his email acct but just before Xmas I found out he didn't. We got in a huge fight then, I was ready to walk away when he said he would give me access to everything and he then deleted her from his email acct. So maybe I'm reading more into it because of his prior lies. He hadn't used the game acct or messenger since just before he came back home in September.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lurking No More (Oct 20, 2012)

I would ask him to log into game delete/block whatever. Then re-explain why this is so important to you. weather he plays game ever again it is finalizing the EA. then ask are you sure this is all the ways you can contact her put it on the table NOW.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Log into the account and just delete it yourself. 

If he is stupid enough to say something, then you got something. If he doesn't say a word. Then its fixed.

I understand what your saying completely. People are stupid, men and women alike. Yes, personally I would have deleted everything on my own. But I'm geeky and I wouldn't have 100 ways to communicate with someone. 

I can relate to this in the sense that my wife did so many things to keep in touch with the OM that even she had no clue WTF she did or didn't do.


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## woogy (Dec 20, 2012)

Hardtohandle said:


> Log into the account and just delete it yourself.
> 
> If he is stupid enough to say something, then you got something. If he doesn't say a word. Then its fixed.
> 
> ...


I can delete it on my own but I was hoping my H would do this to show me he cares about my feelings and wants our marriage to work. That him deleting her from his accts shows me he is truly done with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Right. You dont do it. Thats not him doing the heavy lifting. Thats you doing the work. He deletes her. Its a good thing mentally for HIM to do.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Keep at him and keep working hard. R means the BS does all the carrying and ordering. Ask him to provide for your needs when you have them!


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Right. You dont do it. Thats not him doing the heavy lifting. Thats you doing the work. He deletes her. Its a good think mentally for HIM to do.


Spot on, He has to proove himself and sometimes that means she has to point him in the right direction, not do the work but let him know what she needs....and his a$$ better follow thru.

Let him know that reminders of things you already asked him to do is not cutting it.


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## woogy (Dec 20, 2012)

strugglinghusband said:


> Spot on, He has to proove himself and sometimes that means she has to point him in the right direction, not do the work but let him know what she needs....and his a$$ better follow thru.
> 
> Let him know that reminders of things you already asked him to do is not cutting it.


Thanks, I do remind him what I need, I'm just getting tired of doing it. I was hoping eventually he would do these things on his own without me having to tell him and then remind him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

woogy said:


> Thanks, I do remind him what I need, I'm just getting tired of doing it. I was hoping eventually he would do these things on his own without me having to tell him and then remind him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Telling him is one thing- having to REMIND him of the SAME thing is in fact a PROBLEM and speaks to rather or not he's committed to R.

Tell us what he IS doing besides transparency. What IS he doing to help you. To show remorse.


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## woogy (Dec 20, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Telling him is one thing- having to REMIND him of the SAME thing is in fact a PROBLEM and speaks to rather or not he's committed to R.
> 
> Tell us what he IS doing besides transparency. What IS he doing to help you. To show remorse.


Well he tells me how sorry he is whenever I tell him I'm having a bad day. He answers some of my questions, I email him and he responds, as it avoids conflict for us. But some of the questions, he won't answer or will give me a vague answer instead of the details or I get I don't know. He has been showing me more attention and love, not getting on his game all the time like he use to, asking me to go out, texting me during the day to tell me he loves me, calls me during lunch if he can to see how my day is going. All these things he never did previously. But some of the things I think he should do and hasn't or I had to tell him about. Like his wedding ring hasn't fit in a long time. He use to wear it on a gold chain instead but hasn't since his EA started. I asked him about it and his excuse, well it doesn't fit or the chain broke, so I asked him then why not get it resized. He said, I can look into that. He still hasn't. Just like telling me he loves me, I had to ask him why he doesn't say it to me, he only would say if I did first. Now he will come out and tell me, but why did I have to say that it was bothering me for him to do so? 

And one of the things that really bugs me is he won't tell me anything about the OW besides what I already know from what she told me in the beginning. To me that feels like his loyalty is with her and not me. 

I guess I just want him to take the lead and do these things on his own to show me he is trying and doing the work. I feel with me telling him, then he does it is like he's forcing himself to do it. I just don't know anymore.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Are you guys in MC, or do you do any kind of marriage-building exercises?

My hubby took a while to REALLY 'get' it, as to what I needed. I thought he should be doing a lot more than he was sometimes, that he should just KNOW. But he finally did.

It was only a few months ago I was finally able to get some of the answers from him I needed. And only then because I finally asked the right questions, enough times. And that was only because of MC and His Needs Her Needs and Not Just Friends.


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## woogy (Dec 20, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Are you guys in MC, or do you do any kind of marriage-building exercises?
> 
> My hubby took a while to REALLY 'get' it, as to what I needed. I thought he should be doing a lot more than he was sometimes, that he should just KNOW. But he finally did.
> 
> It was only a few months ago I was finally able to get some of the answers from him I needed. And only then because I finally asked the right questions, enough times. And that was only because of MC and His Needs Her Needs and Not Just Friends.


We were in mc for a little while but it didn't seem to help much so we stopped. For one the counselor told usw heni asked about him giving me his passwords, that if he didn't want to, what would be a compromise. Really, there is no compromise, he has all my pws, I have nothing to hide so why don't I have his?? We probably should find another mc to see if they would be better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

It never ceases to amaze me how freaking CLUELESS some of these MC are!!! Good for you for recognizing that about that one. I hope you can find a better one.


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