# Lost



## Devastated21 (Sep 25, 2021)

I have been married 21 years last month. They have been rough years but always thought we were stronger then the issues. I have supported my husband through many hard times. This did in turn cause me to become more worried about what he was doing and where he was. The arguments got worse and over stupid stuff. Now he is saying that he worned me the fighting was too much for him. He says he is not in love with me anymore. He is being civil but cold. We have not talked this much in years. He does not want to hurt the kids. But he wants out of the house. He has not decided divorce or separation. We do not have money to get him an appointment and he can't find a place to stay. I don't want him to leave and he says it needs to happen. He is not willing to go to counseling. I am so lost. I still love him so much. What do I do?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

How long has he be warning you that the fighting needs to stop? Is that something he just made up or something you remember him saying?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Devastated21 said:


> he worned me the fighting was too much for him. He says he is not in love with me anymore. He is being civil but cold.


You have a situation which is analogous to a woodsman and a giant sequoia tree. It might require 1000 blows of his axe.... but every day, he chops a little more....then a little more....then a little more....it may take 21 years.....but, just as surely as the sunrise, one day....the mighty sequoia gives up and falls to the ground.

I'm sorry. I don't think there will be any recovery. Those rough years, that bickering and fighting..... I think it's too late. Accept your divorce or separation, and try to keep things as amicable as possible for the sake of your kids. Who, I hope are not tender aged.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Stop arguing.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Devastated21 said:


> I have been married 21 years last month. They have been rough years


Maybe this is why?


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## Sonja (Sep 13, 2021)

„I dont need to hear everything he says“. That has been my path to keep marriage free from arguments. Perhaps that saying helps you to bite your tongue, also.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Devastated21 said:


> The arguments got worse and over stupid stuff.


Yep, constant trivial arguments can lead to divorce.
Best not to argue about anything, when you want to shout or nag, just smile and say "OK darling".
Learning this made my marriage a lot happier.

Start now, stop any arguments, stop all discussions, be nice all the time, the less talk the better.
Where I live all argument/discussion/explanation is considered negative in a relationship.
You may be able to recover the situation.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Twenty-one rough years? Did you think he was untrustworthy? Or were there other reasons for the arguments?


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Your husband is being a child. Warning you about arguments? You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells and it takes two people to argue.

While I agree it is a good idea to pick your battles, he also needs to self reflect and consider his role in the arguments.

What type of arguments is he referring to?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You supported him through rough times, which led you to become more concerned about where he was and what he was doing. What does this mean? Is he mentally ill and threatened suicide so you became hypervigilant, which is understandable. That's how I read it.

Tell him if he wants out, to gtfo of the house. He wants to be alone, he can figure out how to do it on his own.


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