# time for her



## jasfish781 (Sep 8, 2013)

My wife and I have been together for about 4 years and we have a 2yo daughter.
I work 12 to 14 hours a day and she is a stay at home mum.
We have been having issues since our daughter was born.
My wife wants me to help out more around the house and take them out doing things every weekend.
Well most weekends we are together she seems happy until something goes wrong eg one late night at a mates place and everything goes pear shaped!
When we argue she says I never help out! Well I do and she says I never take her anywhere well I do! It only takes one thing to annoy her and she forgets about all the good times we've had and all the things I've done for her its like having to start all over again.
I'm at the point where besides going to work in scared to go anywhere or do anything that doesn't include my wife I feel like a prisoner to my family,don't get me wrong I love going places and spending quality time with my family but its nice juz to do your own thing now and then. She frequently visits her friends and does her own thing while I'm at work so why can't I have some time to do my own thing once and a while? We've argued and fought about this now to the point of us nearly separating I don't want to leave especially for the sake of our daughter but I also need some time out just now and again dunno what to do its starting to make me feel depressed? Does anyone have any advise?


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

It looks like she has anger problems. Are you aware of this?


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## jasfish781 (Sep 8, 2013)

Yes it has crossed my mind I have mentioned it but it always comes back on me that's another issue communication she won't hear it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you work 14 hours, 5 days a week?

That's a lot of hours. It's hard to have a good relationship working that many hours. When did you start to work that many hours a day? 

You work 14 hours a day.

Your wife works 14 hours a day while you are at work. She takes care of a young child, cleans the house, etc.

So you are both working.

When you get off work you come home and relax.

When she gets off work.. wait she does not get off work, her home and family are her work. Doesn't she get to have some time off as well?

The way it works is that when the two of you are at home, the two of you do the things that need to be done. For example you should be doing just as much child care when you are home as she does. And doing as much around the house as she does (this assumes that she is doing most of the housework while you are at work).

A couple needs to spend at least 15 hours a week together to keep the passion/love alive. This means just the two of you, together with no one else around. How many hours do you two spend right now doing things just the two of you alone? this is probably what she is craving.

Only after your job, doing the normal after work/weekend chores and child care, and spending that 15 hours a week with your wife alone dating is there time for you to do your own thing.

This is what life, married with children is like.

The two of you would benefit from marriage counseling.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

This is why you must have a relationship with clear delineated lines so there is no conflict over your relationship dynamic.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Do you work 14 hours, 5 days a week?
> 
> That's a lot of hours. It's hard to have a good relationship working that many hours. When did you start to work that many hours a day?
> 
> ...


I disagree child care is not very difficult past the age of two, why must we overstate the difficulty of raising children.Its worth a national average of $800 per week to take care of children.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Quant said:


> I disagree child care is not very difficult past the age of two, why must we overstate the difficulty of raising children.Its worth a national average of $800 per week to take care of children.


How many children have you raised?


Doing anything for 8-14 hours a day takes energy and is tiring.


That's $800 a week for someone who sits on their bum and does little to nothing. Or to put a child in a day care with where they basically play and get little else. 

You are so clueless. Really.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I worked 12+ hours a day including four hours of commute time so that my ex wife could live where she wanted to, and the kids could be in the schools she wanted them to be in. When I got home from work, I didn't get off work. I simply put on a different hat and became the SAHD. She got her break as I took over completely. The funny thing was, she complained at how much she had to do when I was gone, and how I never helped out during the day. This dynamic didn't change once the kids were in school full time. We are now divorced.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

12-14 hours is a lot. I too am in the camp of it's hard to have a good relationship with this type time constraint. My husband works 10 hours a day and that's tough enough. Can't even imagine adding a few more hours to that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Quant said:


> I disagree child care is not very difficult past the age of two, why must we overstate the difficulty of raising children.Its worth a national average of $800 per week to take care of children.


Some further points... 

If being a SAHM is so easy then why would the OP object to helping out with something so easy and spending some time with his own children?

SAHM's do not only raise children. They keep a house and manage the household.

Child rearing is not the same as child care. There is much more involved in raising a child than just child care.

There are many jobs that pay even less than $800 weekly that are hard work. The amount paid is often not directly related to the amount of work involved.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Quant said:


> I disagree child care is not very difficult past the age of two, why must we overstate the difficulty of raising children.Its worth a national average of $800 per week to take care of children.


It's always easier to take care of a kid that isn't yours. You aren't emotionally invested in them. What does an $800 a week caregiver care if the kid goes to college, marries too young, is bullied by neighborhood kids, or if they can't sleep at night due to nightmares just to name a few of the things I deal with as a mother.

The caregiver takes care of largely physical needs, punches a clock and goes home. In contrast my kids are on my mind 24/7 and yes it's difficult.


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## PM1 (Aug 9, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Some further points...
> 
> If being a SAHM is so easy then why would the OP object to helping out with something so easy and spending some time with his own children?


I don't see where OP objects to helping more. He seems to object to not having any time for himself, but stated that he does help (she feels he should help more, but he did not seem to complain about that). 

No offense (this should actually be a compliment to your expectations of child rearing), but I think the baseline assumption you are using for the level of effort and involvement for taking care of children is based on a pretty high quality expectation. That is great (it sounds like you must be/have been much more involved than simply watching kids, but are doing great by them). I'm not sure that high level applies to everyone's expectations or effort though, so it is harder to equate working outside the house 14 hours with staying home with kids in every case. For you, perhaps they are exactly even levels of effort and intensity, for OP's wife, we don't know that. From what little is posted, it seems she has plenty of time to go visit friends, etc. during the day. To me that sounds less difficult of a day than working. 

I think the bigger point is that yes, he needs to share duties in the evenings, but sharing should be balanced enough that he has some downtime (as does she) as well as work and child caring. My 2-cents.


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## PM1 (Aug 9, 2011)

I suppose another unknown is what the OP does and why the long days.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Quant said:


> I disagree child care is not very difficult past the age of two, why must we overstate the difficulty of raising children.Its worth a national average of $800 per week to take care of children.


 I disagree childcare gets harder as they get older.... Raising a child is very difficult. You have never been a stay at home parent!


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

staarz21 said:


> It annoys me to no end when people say this. I guess all of the clean Landry, floors, toilets, sheets, and dinner on the table is SAHParents doing "nothing" all day. In addition to all of that we run the errands like grocery shopping, paying bills, picking up dry cleaning, etc. I also manage the money in my house. When doing this, I have to tote my 2 year old and a 5 month old with me....that is a nightmare!
> 
> *OP a parent's job is 24/7*. I would love a minute to myself, even just to pee alone. However, children are full time. Maybe when your daughter starts school, more alone time can come. Until then, you two have to compromise. If she is unwilling, and you are offering fair compromises, try bringing in a counselor for a different perspective.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe my experience is not the norm, and I know it is different in every situation, but with my ex wife and I, there was no down time for me either. When I came home from work, I just changed hats. I didn't get the alone time either. I carted the kids around, helped with homework, coached teams, gave baths, got them ready for bed. Often not eating dinner until 9 or 10 at night, and usually eating alone. Again, this is from my own experience, but it really pisses me off when there is a SAHM dynamic, and the SAHM is put on the pedistal of virtue and sacrifice while the dad who earns the paycheck that the ENTIRE dynamic relies on is completely discounted in his contribution as an expectation.

Mutual respect for BOTH partners contributions as EQUALS in the SAHM situation is absolutely necessary for it to work.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PM1 said:


> I don't see where OP objects to helping more. He seems to object to not having any time for himself, but stated that he does help (she feels he should help more, but he did not seem to complain about that).


Did I say that he objected? Nope.
What I did do is to offer a breakdown what a reasonable split of time/effort looks like in a marriage.



PM1 said:


> No offense (this should actually be a compliment to your expectations of child rearing), but I think the baseline assumption you are using for the level of effort and involvement for taking care of children is based on a pretty high quality expectation. That is great (it sounds like you must be/have been much more involved than simply watching kids, but are doing great by them).


In the posts where I quoted another person, I was speaking to that person. Not the OP. That’s why use quoting. I responded to that poster based on his history of posting here.



PM1 said:


> I'm not sure that high level applies to everyone's expectations or effort though, so it is harder to equate working outside the house 14 hours with staying home with kids in every case.


I’ve been the primary bread winning in my family for most of the years until my children were grown. As an engineer I’ve often had to work long hours. I did spend just under 2 years as a SAHM. I have a clue what it takes to do both. Both are work. Both are important. 



PM1 said:


> For you, perhaps they are exactly even levels of effort and intensity, for OP's wife, we don't know that. From what little is posted, it seems she has plenty of time to go visit friends, etc. during the day. To me that sounds less difficult of a day than working.


 That’s right we don’t know. His wife is not here to speak for herself. S


PM1 said:


> I think the bigger point is that yes, he needs to share duties in the evenings, but sharing should be balanced enough that he has some downtime (as does she) as well as work and child caring. My 2-cents.


Sorta what I said in my post to the op.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> Maybe my experience is not the norm, and I know it is different in every situation, but with my ex wife and I, there was no down time for me either. When I came home from work, I just changed hats. I didn't get the alone time either. I carted the kids around, helped with homework, coached teams, gave baths, got them ready for bed. Often not eating dinner until 9 or 10 at night, and usually eating alone. Again, this is from my own experience, but it really pisses me off when there is a SAHM dynamic, and the SAHM is put on the pedistal of virtue and sacrifice while the dad who earns the paycheck that the ENTIRE dynamic relies on is completely discounted in his contribution as an expectation.
> 
> Mutual respect for BOTH partners contributions as EQUALS in the SAHM situation is absolutely necessary for it to work.


No one here is putting a SAHM on a pedestal and discounting the working husband.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Quant said:


> I disagree child care is not very difficult past the age of two, why must we overstate the difficulty of raising children.Its worth a national average of $800 per week to take care of children.


Here is your assignment for the day:

1. Take a shower, shave, dress (etc.) while in the house with a 3-year-old. Now get your little darling dressed while remaining fresh and clean yourself.
2. Then do your weekly grocery shopping with said 3-year-old in tow.
3. Go to a dentist appointment with said 3-year-old in tow.
4. Come back to TAM ...

and tell us how "easy" that all was, what time you (*wished *you could be) passed-out in bed and, if you would trade that day for $800/5 per day.

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

All ages of child care are difficult, but 1-3 are the worst. They are mobile enough to get into everything yet not sharp enough yet to know better. Samyeager, I'm living your past with my W. I'm up at 6:30 work all day, home just before 6pm, eat or sometimes make dinner, and then kids and-or house/yard work until kids are in bed and my back is on fire. Then I put an ice-pack in my crack and watch something or play a game on my computer(we have no cable-I don't watch any sports) for ~1hr and go to bed. This will go on all week, housework, or recently cleanup at my grandparents on weekends with my G's passing, and I get flak because "nothing" gets done.


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