# When sex is painful and not enjoyable, how can we get over this?



## liska (Apr 2, 2015)

Me and my husband have been trying to have sex and not very successfully. He is my first and only I ever had. We have been trying for 2 years, and still there are days that he cant even get in. The problem is only in me. When he is in, every movement hurts. Since it has been a long time that we have been trying, I ignore the pain as I can and always put a smile on my face so he doesnt know how much it actually hurts. I want to make my husband happy! (and also myself...)
It has been far too long and we still do not have a normal sex life. Foreplay is good and we both enjoy it, but what comes next... dont even want to think about it. I feel so worthless and desperate.
I want to enjoy it!!! I want to have sex with my husband and have pleasure in it! How much longer is it going to take us to get there? Or will we ever? I feel like nothing is changing..obviously it is better than the very first time, because for over a month we could not get in at all, although trying few times a day... but now, even when we get in, it is always about the same position where it the least hurts and ....
I have been to a doctor and he said everything is fine with me and we just need to keep trying.... but, we have been trying for 2 YEARS already! Please, help me.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Lila said:


> My suggestion would be to *get a second opinion from a different doctor*. Pain is the human body's alarm system. It should not be ignored.


Please get a second opinion. Just because one doctor says something, does not mean he or she is correct. If you know something is wrong, keep going to different doctors until you find an answer. It's always best to follow your gut feeling, and you know sex should not be painful.


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## liska (Apr 2, 2015)

I have talked to my doctor about Vaginisms, but it doesnt seem my case. Most of the times we get in, it is just the movement afterwards that makes it impossible...


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

liska said:


> I have talked to my doctor about Vaginisms, but it doesnt seem my case. Most of the times we get in, it is just the movement afterwards that makes it impossible...


It doesn't have to be that condition. There are many different possible reasons for why you are having that issue, but you have to be seen by a doctor to figure out exactly what is happening. Please get a second opinion. If they try to brush you off, insist on figuring out what is wrong. Many times you have to be your own advocate.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Get to a doctor, like yesterday.

This IS fixable.

This is a MEDICAL condition ( not psychological ) and very fixable with good medical advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Liska,

First, you need a new doctor. The one who said to keep trying was an idiot. 

Second, you need to purchase a set of dilators. The dilators range from small to large. 

Third - you need to have a short but honest conversation with your H. 

Tell him:
- You are actively working on this (finding a new doctor, ordering dilators)
- It HURTS when you have sex and it's beginning to make you anxious about connecting with him 
- And you would like to keep doing the non intercourse stuff until you solve this - but would like to limit what you do to those activities until you solve this

If you keep having painful sex, you will develop an aversion to sex. You don't want that. 







liska said:


> Me and my husband have been trying to have sex and not very successfully. He is my first and only I ever had. We have been trying for 2 years, and still there are days that he cant even get in. The problem is only in me. When he is in, every movement hurts. Since it has been a long time that we have been trying, I ignore the pain as I can and always put a smile on my face so he doesnt know how much it actually hurts. I want to make my husband happy! (and also myself...)
> It has been far too long and we still do not have a normal sex life. Foreplay is good and we both enjoy it, but what comes next... dont even want to think about it. I feel so worthless and desperate.
> I want to enjoy it!!! I want to have sex with my husband and have pleasure in it! How much longer is it going to take us to get there? Or will we ever? I feel like nothing is changing..obviously it is better than the very first time, because for over a month we could not get in at all, although trying few times a day... but now, even when we get in, it is always about the same position where it the least hurts and ....
> I have been to a doctor and he said everything is fine with me and we just need to keep trying.... but, we have been trying for 2 YEARS already! Please, help me.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

FWIW, is there any trauma in your past? If there is that can be a cause of these difficulties, counseling and treatment would be in order. 

You do not need to answer of course, but something to think about...


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

A second opinion.

Or a third.

Or a fourth, or a fifth. whatever it takes. And yes, I agree that the dr. who told you to 'keep trying' is an insensitive so and so.
just like anything else, there are good drs. and bozo ones.

I had a medical situation, not comparable to yours (not a sexual issue) some years ago. After being told by multiple drs. nurses, PA,s et that there was nothing wrong, and even one dr scolding me for being persistent I finally found a dr. that really cared and I was cured, after several months. 

Don't quit


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

liska said:


> I have talked to my doctor about Vaginisms, but it doesnt seem my case. Most of the times we get in, it is just the movement afterwards that makes it impossible...


What kind of pain is it? Is he bumping your cervix? Does it feel like you aren't lubricated enough and his penis pulling too hard on your membranes? Does it feel like your vaginal muscles are clamping down and he can't move at all without pain (imagine someone trying to put something in your butt - your muscles will clamp down and hurt if it goes through)?

Do you feel pain afterwards?

Does it hurt when your gynecologists inserts a speculum and opens it up?

Does it hurt when you try to insert something yourself and move it around?

Does a tampon hurt?

I agree with everyone that says get a second opinion.


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## liska (Apr 2, 2015)

Most of the times it is pain like if it was pulled too hard on my membranes and at the same time bumping my cervix, and also feel pain on sides - like if bumping the ovary as well or something (?) ...and we always use a lot of lubricant gel, I have natural moist as well so dont feel like we are not lubricated enough, its more like if "I was too small and his was too big". although, the problem is not that much to get in (if we have time) but to do anything after we get in... find the only position and the only direction that is bareable... and after sex it doesnt really hurts, or at least not in the same way. I feel the same way when I am being checked by my gynecologist. And tampon - it is not pain free, but not too painfull. I have ben using them for so long that I go used to it and when I do it I can feel what I do so its easier than sex.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I feel for you. My mom has this problem and so does a girlfriend of mine. My friend has been to many doctors, has tried different types of stretching devices, etc. 

I don't have any solutions for you, just hugs and good wishes. Keep getting more professional opinions, see more doctors!


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

Try anal!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

liska said:


> Me and my husband have been trying to have sex and not very successfully. He is my first and only I ever had. We have been trying for 2 years, and still there are days that he cant even get in. The problem is only in me. When he is in, every movement hurts. Since it has been a long time that we have been trying, I ignore the pain as I can and always put a smile on my face so he doesnt know how much it actually hurts. I want to make my husband happy! (and also myself...)
> It has been far too long and we still do not have a normal sex life. Foreplay is good and we both enjoy it, but what comes next... dont even want to think about it. I feel so worthless and desperate.
> I want to enjoy it!!! I want to have sex with my husband and have pleasure in it! How much longer is it going to take us to get there? Or will we ever? I feel like nothing is changing..obviously it is better than the very first time, because for over a month we could not get in at all, although trying few times a day... but now, even when we get in, it is always about the same position where it the least hurts and ....
> *I have been to a doctor and he said everything is fine with me and we just need to keep trying.... but, we have been trying for 2 YEARS alread*y! Please, help me.


WHAT!!!!!

What country do you live in and where did this dipsh!t doctor go to med school?


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## speeedbump (Mar 12, 2013)

MEM11363 said:


> Liska,
> 
> First, you need a new doctor. The one who said to keep trying was an idiot.
> 
> ...


^Important advice right here.

Sex was painful for my wife. We didn't have intercourse until after over three years of marriage! She (or we) totally mismanaged the situation. She did not discuss it with her Dr. for quite a while and when she did, she didn't press for answers. She gave me no indication that she was making an effort to make it better. She soon became conditioned to recoil from my touch of any kind.

She eventually was diagnosed with endometriosis, so you might ask your Dr. about that.

In any case, even now that it is no longer physically painful, she still is adverse to sex and doesn't seem to be making any effort to change it. Our marriage was slowly and painfully killed over the years due to this. Don't let it happen to you!

At least you seem to be concerned and are seeking help. She chose to paint my needs for intimacy as perverted and unnecessary and preferred near celibacy as a solution.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

OP, there are 4 different muscles that support your vagina and rectum. When they spasm, it is very uncomfortable. There are specific exercises (Physical Therapy) that you can do to teach those muscles to NOT spasm and to relax and stretch. You gently insert it, then tilt it so it is hitting the sides of your vag, and then push in to teach that muscle to chill out. Then you do the other side. It takes about 10 minutes twice a day. You should start seeing improvement within a week or so but you have to keep doing it.

TheraWand -Pelvic Therapy Crystal Wands Pelvic Floor Trigger Points Prostate Massage -TheraWand | Pelvic Therapy Wands Crystal Wands

There are some Meds you can try for temporary help, like muscle relaxers, but they won't take the place of Physical Therapy.

This is why I think your doc is a quack and a half. He Should Know This Because If I do, and I'm not medically trained, He Dam Well SHOULD!!!

As everyone else has said...new doc, pronto!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> OP, there are 4 different muscles that support your vagina and rectum. When they spasm, it is very uncomfortable. There are specific exercises (Physical Therapy) that you can do to teach those muscles to NOT spasm and to relax and stretch. You gently insert it, then tilt it so it is hitting the sides of your vag, and then push in to teach that muscle to chill out. Then you do the other side. It takes about 10 minutes twice a day. You should start seeing improvement within a week or so but you have to keep doing it.
> 
> TheraWand -Pelvic Therapy Crystal Wands Pelvic Floor Trigger Points Prostate Massage -TheraWand | Pelvic Therapy Wands Crystal Wands
> 
> ...


I didn't even think about the physical therapy. I have a good friend who is the head of her PT practice, and women's sexual problems is actually her specialty. She's a Ph.D. I had no clue this even existed in PT until I met her. I had a long conversation with her about it one night (mainly me being like "omg are you serious, you have to do pelvic exams??" lol). 

Definitely look into that!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I didn't even think about the physical therapy. I have a good friend who is the head of her PT practice, and women's sexual problems is actually her specialty. She's a Ph.D. I had no clue this even existed in PT until I met her. I had a long conversation with her about it one night (mainly me being like "omg are you serious, you have to do pelvic exams??" lol).
> 
> Definitely look into that!


Physical Therapy is much underutilized tool for keeping or getting the body in good working order.

I have pelvic floor muscle spasms and they hurt like a B!tch! My daughter is in PT grad school and she called it immediately while I was sent for every damn test and exam under the sun! 

I use the wand I linked to and I can most definitely feel the difference when those little bastards are spasming and when they are nice and chill. You can't live on Percocet...dammit!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> Physical Therapy is much underutilized tool for keeping or getting the body in good working order.
> 
> *I have pelvic floor muscle spasms and they hurt like a B!tch! My daughter is in PT grad school and she called it immediately while I was sent for every damn test and exam under the sun! *
> 
> I use the wand I linked to and I can most definitely feel the difference when those little bastards are spasming and when they are nice and chill. You can't live on Percocet...dammit!


That's awesome!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Liska,

I don't want to overload you with feedback, however it's important that you understand something.

You need to manage this situation so that you do not begin to associate sex with pain. 

The best way to do that is to sit your H down and have a short, direct and loving conversation. 

Most men would respond ok to this:

I'm going to make it a high priority to try to solve this. In the meantime, if we have intercourse and it begins to hurt, I'm going to tell you. And we will stop the intercourse but I will help finish you with my (hand, mouth). 

This also means that if you already know it will hurt, it's ok to say that you are happy to have non intecourse type sex if he wants. That gives him a choice. He can do stuff with you that doesn't hurt you. Or he can do nothing. Note. The nice way to say this is:

I want to play, would it be ok if we used our hands/other to please each other? 

That way he feels desired, and you don't have to feel anxious. 

If you continue having painful intercourse, you will end up with an aversion to sex. If you stop ALL sexual activity, he's going to believe you don't desire him. Both outcomes are harmful. 






speeedbump said:


> ^Important advice right here.
> 
> Sex was painful for my wife. We didn't have intercourse until after over three years of marriage! She (or we) totally mismanaged the situation. She did not discuss it with her Dr. for quite a while and when she did, she didn't press for answers. She gave me no indication that she was making an effort to make it better. She soon became conditioned to recoil from my touch of any kind.
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

QFT



MarriedGuy221 said:


> Liska -
> 
> My wife and I have had this problem for a long, long, time in our marriage. In fact, we didn't have very much intercourse as a result, but have frequent sex and it is very pleasurable and fulfilling. I buy all the vibrators and there are many things to do to have fun and orgasm without vaginal sex. So please, please, have a fun, enjoyable sex life without too much vaginal until you work through this. As others have explained, if you walk through this with your husband, and are open to oral and manual stimulation, I am certain your husband can be fully satisfied. You can be very satisfied with clitoral orgasms too.
> 
> ...


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