# sex outside marriage



## Upset and confused (Nov 1, 2011)

My 58 year old husband of 7 years wants to introduce another man into our marriage bed...actually he says it will add to our sex life. I am so upset and when I said I couldn't do it, he now won't even talk to me. I have tried talking to him and he says I am being unfair. HELP


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Tell him the people of the Internet think he's an idiot. 

Bringing someone else into a relationship could only be a good thing if both people want it. If someone has doubts or doesn't want it at all, I can only see bad things coming from it.

C


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

PBear said:


> Tell him the people of the Internet think he's an idiot.
> 
> Bringing someone else into a relationship could only be a good thing if both people want it. If someone has doubts or doesn't want it at all, I can only see bad things coming from it.
> 
> C


:iagree:


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

PBear is right. 

Why does he want another man involved? Is he planning to just share you with the man? Or does he have an interest in the both of you sharing the other man? There must be a reason for him wanting to live that fantasy.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Your husband is a selfish ass


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

PBear said:


> Tell him the people of the Internet think he's an idiot.
> 
> Bringing someone else into a relationship could only be a good thing if both people want it. If someone has doubts or doesn't want it at all, I can only see bad things coming from it.
> 
> C


As a person on the Internet I endorse this statement.

Lay down the law,and tell him this is a very stupid idea.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

Ask him, "Are you gay?".


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## AnonymousMan (Apr 9, 2011)

Sounds like your husband has repressed gay tendencies, likely has been acting on them outside of the home, and wants to legitimize it by getting your blessing. This isn't about you, this is about him.


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## danjensv (Nov 1, 2011)

Nothing wrong with that IF both husband and wife desire a third party in the bedroom AND both have discussed it thoroughly AND have set some ground rules AND thought about it again thoroughly AND...well you get the idea.

It funny that some people will take so much care in selecting a mate, but think nothing of inviting a virtual stranger into the bedroom. You're husband is a jerk. Talking about it is one thing, claiming you are somehow flawed or selfish for not doing what he asks is...well it borders on unforgivable. The people of internet have spoken.


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

I agree with other posters above but wanted to add that it is a common fantasy for a husband to watch his wife with another man or other men. 

Although I dont know much about it, varations of it are called "cuckold" or "hot wife". 

Google them and have a read. 

There are sites dedicated to the concept.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Tell him he can introduce the man and the 2 of them can sleep with on another for all you care.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He's gay. Now he's upset that he can't have a boyfriend.

Most men want to bring another woman into the bed...he wants another man. Hm...


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

that_girl said:


> He's gay. Now he's upset that he can't have a boyfriend.
> 
> Most men want to bring another woman into the bed...he wants another man. Hm...


is it gay or cuckold?


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

PBear said:


> Tell him the people of the Internet think he's an idiot.


:iagree:

PBear, that was an awesome way to put it :smthumbup:


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

NoIssues said:


> I agree with other posters above but wanted to add that it is a common fantasy for a husband to watch his wife with another man or other men.


I don't know how "common" it is. 

There are about 160 million men in the United States. If 1% of them had that fantasy, that's still 1.6 million men. It would be easy to come up with anecdotal examples but still far from common.


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## danjensv (Nov 1, 2011)

Pretty common, I'd think based on all the porn and erotica based on the cuckold/cheating wife/hot wife fantasy. Thinking about it and doing it are two different things. I don't think he's gay. And who cares if he is? It's not his request that is so distasteful, its the way he's going about it.


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## off the crazy train. (Nov 1, 2011)

I have a fairly open mind about sex (despite being raised in fairly religous home) but sharing my wife (or a GF if not married) with another man is not something that interests me at all. 

I can't see how it would help sex life or a marriage unless it was a fantasy shared by BOTH parties.


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## Upset and confused (Nov 1, 2011)

I don't understand why he wants to watch me with another man. He says he will join in and how much I should like it. I have a much stronger sex drive than he does and I think he thinks this will make me happier. I can't even get him to talk to me about this anymore. 9 days of total silence....I don't know how much more I can take without talking. The hard thing is I still love him so much


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> Tell him he can introduce the man and the 2 of them can sleep with on another for all you care.


:lol: :rofl: :iagree:


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

That's just weird. Is it possible he is actually cheating on you with another guy? Does he have anyone particular in mind?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Some men have a cuckold fantasy. Sounds like he might be one. Can't understand that myself, even though I've tried to set up an MMF for my GF and myself. Big diffence detween my situation and yours however is that my GF is very ok with the idea. If she wasn't, I wouldn't consider it.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Upset and confused (Nov 1, 2011)

I don't think he is cheating yet....he posted an ad and wants me to help pick the man. He is still convinced I will love it. I just feel that it is cheating whether he is with me or not. He feels I am letting him down if I don't try it at least


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Your story sounds eerily similar to what happened to my sister, except her husband was advertising for another woman to join them in bed. Turned out he was already screwing someone else even before that.

I would start snooping and see what you come up with.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I doubt he's cheating either. His fantasy involves you with another man, not him with another person.

To me, anyone has the right to say no to any fantasy their spouse has. Regardless of what it is. It's probably best for the relationship if EVERY idea isn't shot down before the words get out of their mouth, but you still have that right to say no.

In a case like this, involving other people, you DEFINITELY have the right to say no, in my opinion. If he keeps on pushing, I'll buy you a drink of your choice if you kick him in the nads each time he brings it up. It's called aversion therapy. He asks, he feels pain. Eventually, he stops asking.

Your husband needs help, if he won't let it go, and does the silent treatment on you for multiple days if you won't give in. Can you suggest counseling, so he can hear it from someone else?

C


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## Upset and confused (Nov 1, 2011)

I tried mentioning counseling and he became furious. Now he says he is going to find another job. We have our own business and he says I can handle it alone from now on. I think this is the start of the finish....I don't understand why he is doing this. I am falling apart


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

Upset and confused said:


> I tried mentioning counseling and he became furious. Now he says he is going to find another job. We have our own business and he says I can handle it alone from now on. I think this is the start of the finish....I don't understand why he is doing this. I am falling apart


So he is mad cause you won't have sex with another man and suggested counselling to figure of what the hell is going on?:scratchhead:

I agree with PBear start kicking him in the nads. don't let him force you into doing something you feel isn't right. Cause if you do afterward you will feel like crap and since you view it as cheating it will eat away at you. And then how long till hes forcing something else on you that you dont want to do?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

He my have started having a mental illness problem.

It could be time to consider that and have him checked out.

Bizarre behavior or outrageous requests can indicate something is up.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I know this won't happen, but does he just assume that you wouldn't develop feelings for another man in this situation, or does he realize that the actual encounter can make him suddely change his mind? Sometimes, some of the women who have come to this site with a similar situation said that the man changed his mind immediately after it actually happened. Many men like the idea of it, but the actual reality becomes a nightmare. They have questions like: Maybe the wife likes it too much? Maybe the man is better in bed than me? Maybe he's better endowed?

Regardless, you should never be ashamed of your boundaries.


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## Upset and confused (Nov 1, 2011)

I think I may have to accept the possiblity of my marriage being over and it is killing me. Now he won't even make love to me anymore. So he won't touch me, won't talk to me and is looking for another job. I don't understand. Last month we celebrated our anniversary and I would have told anyone we have the best marriage going. And because I won't agree to having sex with other men and him together it is all falling apart. I don't know which way to turn


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Perhaps it should have been, or be, suggested that he see a doctor. Like michzz said, sudden, kind of bizarre changes in personality or personal preferences could be indicative of a health condition (mental health condition or something like a stroke).

Has he always been so 'pissy' and belligerent when he doesn't get his way with things in your marriage? Just trying to determine whether there's always been that kind of trait within him, or if this is something totally new.

Here's the thing. Whatever you do together sexually must always be consensual. That means of your own free will, without coercion. If he is coercing you to do something that you feel is wrong, then he is the one with the issue, not you.

Do you have close friends/family nearby to help support you?

You will need to try and pull yourself up - stick to your guns - respect yourself and your marriage. If your husband cannot do the same, then that's his problem, not yours.

If he's unwilling to go to marriage counseling with you, then I suggest that you go to individual counseling on your own.

Best wishes.


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## dyskinesia (Jun 29, 2010)

Upset and confused said:


> I think I may have to accept the possiblity of my marriage being over and it is killing me. Now he won't even make love to me anymore. So he won't touch me, won't talk to me and is looking for another job. I don't understand. Last month we celebrated our anniversary and I would have told anyone we have the best marriage going. And because I won't agree to having sex with other men and him together it is all falling apart. I don't know which way to turn


So your marriage, the best marriage going, is over and it's killing you. Is that less distasteful to you than giving your husband what he wants?


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## Upset and confused (Nov 1, 2011)

I guess accepting that my marriage is ending is better than giving in and doing something I don't believe in. I hate it though. I don't know where to go. I know he will not leave the house and I am already having a hard time managing the business on my own. I have always been in charge of sales, customer service and accounting and he did the manufacturing. I can do most but it is physically difficult for me. This is the busiest time of year for us and I can't let my customers down.


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## dyskinesia (Jun 29, 2010)

Upset and confused said:


> I guess accepting that my marriage is ending is better than giving in and doing something I don't believe in.


Not having a threeway with the hubby is more important than having your hubby? I only ask because you made it sound like you were so happy before this came up.


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## Upset and confused (Nov 1, 2011)

We were extremely happy before this came up. I couldn't believe how lucky I was and we did everything together. From the day he suggested this it has been hell. I really tried to imagine me going along with this as it was so important to him but I just couldn't get past the idea that this is cheating.


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## Upset and confused (Nov 1, 2011)

I am reading your post again and are you saying if I want my marriage I should just give in as I love him so much and want my marriage to work???? Do I compromise my beliefs to satisfy his fantasy? I wouldn't know how to act in such a circumstance. What if I enjoyed it....would I show him that? What if I hated it....would I show that??? Or am I thinking too much about it


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

Upset and confused said:


> I am reading your post again and are you saying if I want my marriage I should just give in as I love him so much and want my marriage to work???? Do I compromise my beliefs to satisfy his fantasy? I wouldn't know how to act in such a circumstance. What if I enjoyed it....would I show him that? What if I hated it....would I show that??? Or am I thinking too much about it


You can love him more than your own life but if he is pushing you to do this how much does he love you? from your posts you seem torn because you do love him but at the same time this is something you cannot do.. What happens when he suggests something else you don't want to do? Just go with the flow until everything you feel and believe is called into question and you are left a shell of a person cause he forced you into doing things you were against. 

It hurts to have to consider walking away from the the one you love but what he is asking of you when you have made your feelings clear on the matter is unacceptable


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## dyskinesia (Jun 29, 2010)

Upset and confused said:


> I am reading your post again and are you saying if I want my marriage I should just give in as I love him so much and want my marriage to work???? Do I compromise my beliefs to satisfy his fantasy?


No and no. Have you and your husband discussed at length WHY this so very important to him? And why it's so important for you not to? Or was it quick, angry, and over with?



Upset and confused said:


> I wouldn't know how to act in such a circumstance. What if I enjoyed it....would I show him that? What if I hated it....would I show that??? Or am I thinking too much about it


That's not particularly relevant. You either want to do this for him or you don't, and if you complied whatever he got would be what he asked for, wouldn't it?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Woa Forcing someone to have sex with another person is bottom line wrong. No negotiation no compromise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The OP should NOT be pressured into a 3some by her husband. Her husband has ruined the marriage and the intimacy.

 This makes me sad. It makes me angry to read that someone thinks that doing the 3some is worth saving the marriage. Unreal.

I would be out the door...or he would be. He can go have a 3some wihtout me. I'd also make sure everyone knew WHY our marriage failed. Yea, i can be a betch like that.


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Your husband is a selfish ass


:iagree:


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

Introducing anybody else to your marriage bed is cheating. Simple as that. This is just an off-the-wall guess, and I am NOT a professional therapist, but does your husband have an addiction to porn? Very few guys come up with the idea of sharing their wife on their own. I guess anything is possible, but most guys are pretty possessive about their mates. If you put a gun to my head and made me guess, I'd guess maybe he has a porn addiction and has been watching something that makes 3-somes look fun. Be careful about accusing him of this unless you have some further proof, but I'd be looking to see if there was some kind of problem with porn here.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

YupItsMe said:


> is it gay or cuckold?


Gay is when he has sex with another man. Cuckold is when he is obviously Beta and enjoys watching an Alpha plow his wife...

But to set the record straight its just as common for men to want an MMF thressome with no gay things, as it is a MFF threesome. The MMF is right on the cusp of the domination fantasy us guys carry in our subconiouc backpocket. 


In all honesty, once he stops being a "selfish @$$", and if your comfortable with it, try doggy style and a small vibrator. Its not another man, but from a biological standpoint the idea may be enough to quell his thirst.


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## Upset and confused (Nov 1, 2011)

dyskinesia said:


> No and no. Have you and your husband discussed at length WHY this so very important to him? And why it's so important for you not to? Or was it quick, angry, and over with?
> 
> Yes....he talked about this over a couple of weeks. He feels it would enhance our love life as I have a much higher sex drive than him. I really tried to consider it as it is so important to him. He thinks it would be very erotic and as much as I agree a little the thought of being with another man and him makes me ill.
> 
> That's not particularly relevant. You either want to do this for him or you don't, and if you complied whatever he got would be what he asked for, wouldn't it?


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## Upset and confused (Nov 1, 2011)

SockPuppet said:


> Gay is when he has sex with another man. Cuckold is when he is obviously Beta and enjoys watching an Alpha plow his wife...
> 
> But to set the record straight its just as common for men to want an MMF thressome with no gay things, as it is a MFF threesome. The MMF is right on the cusp of the domination fantasy us guys carry in our subconiouc backpocket.
> 
> ...


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

If your husband is willing to divorce you over your refusal to engage in a sex act that you deem immoral, then he doesn't love you as much as you love him. Sorry.

I'm assuming that you're a willing and frequent partner for other, less objectionable, sex acts. Although, if you weren't, your husband would be crazy for suggesting this as a way to break the ice.

If your objection is on religious grounds, and your husband shares your faith, you should explain your reluctance and suggest discussing it with your pastor for some moral guidance. I doubt he would be too keen on that idea.

The best thing you can do is reconcile yourself to your own beliefs. You are being reasonable and you (presumably) are willing to offer reasonable compromises in your sex life. With your husband demanding something so unreasonable, he really gives you no room to accommodate him. Either you give in to him or you don't. In this case, I don't think you should.

Either your husband will give up this stupid fantasy, or he will divorce you. If he gives it up, hopefully he will acknowledge how much he hurt you with it. If he leaves you, at least you won't have to place yourself in bondage to a pervert.


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## Upset and confused (Nov 1, 2011)

I have to say we have an extraordinary sex life. I am willing to try anything with my husband. Toys, positions, dressing up, even having sex outside...and that is pushing it a little for me but I am up for anything with him. That is why this is so hard. I have never said no before but this just doesn't sit right. I don't think I can last too much longer with the silent treatment and I am getting angry now.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you considered then dressing up in a dominatrix style outfit and ordering him to take care of you and to cut the crap?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Upset and confused (Nov 1, 2011)

that is the only thing he won't go along with....he has to be the one in control. If only.....


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## kelevra (May 19, 2011)

Tell him you'll bring on the other guy as long as you get to do him with a strap on first.... see what kinda big man he is then !!!


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## annagarret (Jun 12, 2011)

dont do it


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## Upset and confused (Nov 1, 2011)

I am feeling pretty low today...it is my birthday and he still hasn't changed how he is treating me. I am used to us being very sexually active and his coldness hurts so much.


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## KDFREE (Apr 7, 2011)

Ok well I'm obviously the "odd wife out" but my hubby has the same fantasy. When he first told me I was repulsed but he lovingly worked with me to help me understand. It actually took years but I did choose to go there 5 years ago, we had been married 15 years. It has actually been really good for us. And no, he is not gay. We are closer and more intimate. But it's not for everyone as u can see from most of the replies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Your husband does not love you enough to let his sexual fantasy go. He finds no problem abandoning you and letting the bissiness fail and you to suffer emotionally until you comply with his wish to pimp you out. Do you really think that someone who loves you would try to coerce you to have sex with another man? This is a man who was sexually satisfied until now? Your problem is that you never said no and he thought you never would. 

I don't understand your confusion and hesitation. He is not concerned about you as a person, he certainly does not love you. He may find your body parts useful for him and any other man he wants to pass you around to but he cares nothing about you. What are you hoping will happen? If he drop the fantasy you would actually take him back into your life? You would actually consider sexually satisfying him? And that is all you require from him? This is a massive betrayal of you emotionally and financially and you wait around for him to talk to you again? How did you get yourself into this mindset that you will settle for so little.? 

He is a waste of skin, not a man, so why are you letting him define you and make your life miserable? Don't you see that you are being abused? Stop perusing him and persue a lawyer instead. 

The only thing he should see is your back as you walk out the door. Woman Up!! Have some respect for yourself and your person. You can't be that helpless if you can run a bissiness. Hire someone to pick up the slack, act as if you don't need him because you don't. Get rid of him, he does not meet the standards of being a man or husband. .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I have a friend who was in your same place several years age. The husband wanted another man for his wife. She refused just like you and went to an attorney. When she was told what he charged she backed off. So the husband moved into the spare bedroom and they stopped having sex. 

They were in divorce mode and neither of them wanted to be the one to file .The next thing he wanted was to have an "open marriage" since they wern't having sex anyway. They had two young children and a house plus car payments ...blah blah blah...they couldn't afford a divorce. 

Out of anger, She agreed to the open marriage. Somehow they manage to keep it away from the children. She started to flirt with men and they responded to her. She started to have an occasional "girls night out" and he has his "guys night out" The both are basically cheating and they are both OK with it. They were going to divorce anyway.

Several years later, they are still married and happier than ever. He treats her like a princess now and their sex life with each other is also better than it ever was before. Last thing she told me was neither one of them has been with anybody else in over a year. The option is still there if they want to. He never did see her with another man and he hasn't asked her to.

I do not think this is possible. Usually they fall in love with somebody else....In their casr it worked.

I think your Hubby wants you to have sex with another man so that HE can have sex with another women. 

Call his bluff, but do it on your terms. You make the rule to the game he started.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Already Gone said:


> I think your Hubby wants you to have sex with another man so that HE can have sex with another women.
> 
> Call his bluff, but do it on your terms. You make the rule to the game he started.


But, that's the thing. I don't think that she wants an open marriage. I don't think she wants to think about her man being with another woman. She promised herself to him and him alone. and I'm sure she thought she was getting the same promise from him.


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## FirstTomato (Nov 21, 2011)

I agree with PBear about how it must be something BOTH want and have THOROUGHLY researched, discussed, thought about, etc. etc. etc. and I don't think it is anyone's place to judge those who do choose to experience it, even if it isn't for us.

Soooo.... since that is not an option as it is something one of you does NOT want, is it possible to talk with him about his fantasy and about what that means to you and how it makes you feel in a loving way, with the intent to be respectful of each others needs? Yeah, I know, might not happen from how it sounds he is reacting, but it could be worth a try. 

Also, if it comes down to it, would you be comfortable with keeping this a fantasy and indulging in it that way? Over many years I have sometimes had the fantasy of being with another woman while my DH watched and/or (if I'm really into it) participated with just me or with both of us. I COULD NEVER DO THIS IN REAL LIFE! I would never be able to share him without serious jealousy and I know that. It would also not be fair to have a double standard that allowed me to experiment with another woman but not allow him to touch another and, when it comes down to it, I don't know that I would ever actually really want the experience but the idea can be very erotic to me, at times. So, we've only done this a few times in our 15 years together, but every now and then I'll narrate the fantasy while we explore together. It can be a huge turn on for us both and it stays between us - no live third person, ever, but it is really enjoyable when we do this. I might discribe what I see myself doing or tell him what I imagine him doing in the fantasy. I might ask him what he does next so he gets "creative input", etc. We might set up a romantic space with candles or I might test the waters during a "regular" lovemaking session and if he is open to it we might enjoy the fantasy, then. 

Since your husband's involves another man, I imagine there would be penetration by another man in his fantasy, so maybe introducing a toy that is specifically intended to take that man's place in his fantasy could help him experience it in a way that feels safe to you (only if it actually does feel safe to you to do it this way). If you are open to the use of visual stimulation, perhaps using an explicit video that shows something similar to his fantasy would help (I like narration because I can tailor it to exactly what is right in the moment). 

I don't know, I just hope you two can come to a place where you can find pleasure in fantasy in a way that is respectful of you both and I'm sorry he is having a hard time honoring your needs and boundaries with love. 

Namaste,
FT


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

FirstTomato said:


> I agree with PBear about how it must be something BOTH want and have THOROUGHLY researched, discussed, thought about, etc. etc. etc. and I don't think it is anyone's place to judge those who do choose to experience it, even if it isn't for us.
> 
> Soooo.... since that is not an option as it is something one of you does NOT want, is it possible to talk with him about his fantasy and about what that means to you and how it makes you feel in a loving way, with the intent to be respectful of each others needs? Yeah, I know, might not happen from how it sounds he is reacting, but it could be worth a try.
> 
> ...


You are kidding right!!

She should indulge him when he is abusing her? She needs to get herself out of this situation not cater to this asshat. 

Her refusal to be used to fulfill his sexual fantasy makes him stop communicating and to abandon the business threatening her livelihood. You think she should placate him? For what?

I don't think this has anything to do with his fantasy, it is about control and her ownership of her vag. She gets to say who she has sex with, not her husband. 

He does not own her. He should not be rewarded with any concessions lest he think abusing her is an effective method of control.


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## FirstTomato (Nov 21, 2011)

I though I'd read almost all of the posts on this but missed the part about the business. That was absolutely my mistake. 

No, I do not think she "should" do anything, "reward abuse" or any such thing. I think that open discussion of the situation is necessary and since I'm not in her home or her relationship, I cannot presume I know everything about it, including how much she has told him about how she feels about it or how much they have talked about what this has done to their relationship. I don't think anyone should engage in sexual or even sensual activity with anyone else unless both desire it, period. I was raped at 16 - I don't have any tolerance for sexual abuse, ever. 

I didn't intend my suggestion to be used as placation or a way to "give in". I meant it to be a way to think about exploring a fantasy that one might not ever be comfortable exploring in person. Sometimes people have knee-jerk reactions to something because it is foreign to them or they don't understand it or it is a trigger point for them, from past bad experiences. This case sounded like it might have started that way and then snowballed (or maybe it was the final window into what life between them has been like but, again, we don't know). "Indulging him" would obviously never fix a broken relationship. If he isn't willing to work to mend the cracks, that isn't on her shoulders.

I also thought I'd been clear that I hoped there was a way for them to come to a good place TOGETHER, through communication, etc. and that I didn't know that it would be possible, given his reaction. 

Please know that just because someone says something different from what you would choose to say, it doesn't mean they intend harm. 

It is obvious, Catherine602, that you feel very strongly about this issue and feel deeply for Upset and Confused. That is wonderful. I agree with you, her body, her decision, end of story. Nobody owns her. I don't think nor did I say anyone should placate anyone. If he is abusing her, I'd support her finding a safe place to be, away form him.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Sorry First didn't mean to come off all crazy. People seem to think this is about fantasies but, I don't think it is. 

Having a wife refuse to have sex with another man for his delight is no reason to cut off communication and jeopardize her business, punto finale. 

I don't understand why she would want to stay with a man who can do this, let alone have sex with him and placate him as some posters are advising. She can't trust him and trust is at the foundation of love and intimacy. 

He is all about himself, he has no compassion for her and certainly no empathy. In essence he does not love her. 

He sounds like a narcissist; he considers his need to use his wife's body for his pleasure as his right and her refusal as a reason to destroy her. 

All over a freken fantasy! Not even one where he uses his body parts but where he wants to pass her body around like a side of beef.


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## FirstTomato (Nov 21, 2011)

Catherine602, No worries. I think we are pretty much on the same page, here. It's a heated issue that could set anybody's heart afire. 

Upset&Confused, I really, really hope you find a resolution that ultimately feels right to you. If he isn't willing to look at the relationship, work on it, get outside help, etc., then that severely limits your options and his, but you can't change another person or bare the burden of their journey. The only thing you can "control" are how you respond and act. If you keep integrity and the others around you do not, then that is something to bare in mind when making choices about who you surround yourself and share your life with. Relationships are about compromise but if you are being harmed then that is not compromise, that is abuse. Emotional abuse leaves scars just as much as physical abuse does.... it's just that most people can't see them right away, and they can be harder to heal. Be safe, hold integrity and honor yourself and know that you are worthy of someone who loves you and treats you with respect. 

Namaste, 
FT


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## Upset and confused (Nov 1, 2011)

crossbar said:


> But, that's the thing. I don't think that she wants an open marriage. I don't think she wants to think about her man being with another woman. She promised herself to him and him alone. and I'm sure she thought she was getting the same promise from him.


You are right.....I don't want to be with another man. I was more than happy with my life with him and I thought he was happy too. He said he is but it is not right for me not to respect his fantasy. He said if I have a fantasy he would fulfil it for me


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