# Plastic Surgery or Not



## jenniferred (Mar 30, 2012)

Here is the background...
I am married to a man that is 16 years older than me. We have been married for 10 years. We have 2 children (ages 5 and 7). We have had plenty of ups and downs. We have been to counseling. 

Over the years my husband has criticized me a lot. His mother and his sisters have been rotten to me and he allowed it. After having a horrible experience with my first pregnancy I told him I do not want a second but he would not take no for an answer. He made all the decisions about our wedding. There were even troubles before our marriage when he told me his ex was better in bed.

Recently things have gotten real tough. I was sleeping on the sofa for about 2 months. I decided to go out and by a special bra / panty set for him. I tried the whole day to set the mood. When the children went to bed that night I lit some candles and invited him into the bedroom. Long story short - he rejected me. The next day I told him I needed some space. I took the children to run some errands while he was supposed to go visit a friend. It took him about 2 hours to leave the house. I later discovered that he spent that time watching porn.

I know that there are a lot of differing opinions on the porn issue. What upset me about it was that the night before he had rejected me and the next day he was lusting for the video images of other women. It made me feel that I was not good enough to satisfy him physically but the images on the video were. When I told him how sad it made me he told me if I lost some weight and had a tummy tuck that he would not feel the need to watch porn.

I agree that I do not look great. I am 5' 3" and weigh 145. I do have loose skin and stretch marks from child bearing. I do however have some positive physical attributes. I run 3 miles 3 times a week so under the extra weight there is some muscle. I have a natural 36DD bra size.

My husband moved out upon my request. Every time I look at him I feel sad. He asked me to wait a month to file for divorce. I felt that was fair but the time has come for some decision making. I am certain I no longer love him but I don't hate him. He has never hit me and is good with the children. I fear life as a single parent.

......So here is the question - I feel that if I am going to stay married that I have to have the plastic surgery he requested. If I don't, he won't be happy and it will always be in the back of my mind. I feel that the surgery would help my appearance but I would not have it if it weren't for him. Should I have plastic surgery or is it time for me to just move on?


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

First of all you should never have plastic surgery for anyone but yourself. From what you've described I don't think having the surgery would placate your husband anyway. I would bet he would just focus on something else he didn't like about you. I'm not really sure why plastic surgery is necessary anyway. It sounds like you are active and exercising. I would think diet and exercise will allow you to reach the weight and fitness level you need to attain. If you continue to work out your skin should eventually tighten back up. There are ways to address this without surgery. But again, this should be all for you, not him. If he wants you to get surgery to "fix" your stretch marks I would shove a bowling ball up his a$$ and tell him he needs butt implants. That is just an unconscionable thing to say. I treasure...yes treasure...my wife's stretch marks and scars from her pregnancies and c sections. They show the love she had and has for me and for our children. To me they are just like "smile lines." Smile lines are wrinkles you develop when you smile a lot. That to me says you have been and are a happy person. How can you not love that.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You need to lose some weight...whatever he weighs, that is what you need to lose. Meaning, get away from this turd. What a jerk.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

jenniferred said:


> I agree that I do not look great. I am 5' 3" and weigh 145. I do have loose skin and stretch marks from child bearing. I do however have some positive physical attributes. I run 3 miles 3 times a week so under the extra weight there is some muscle. I have a natural 36DD bra size.
> 
> .
> 
> ......So here is the question - I feel that if I am going to stay married that I have to have the plastic surgery he requested. If I don't, he won't be happy and it will always be in the back of my mind. I feel that the surgery would help my appearance but I would not have it if it weren't for him. Should I have plastic surgery or is it time for me to just move on?


Hi Jennifer sorry you here my opinion is that your husband sounds a little shallow as far as having plastic surgery in order to keep yr marriage i would not do that There are plenty of men out their who would love you just the way you are. You mentioned running thats great have you considered using the circuit machines like 3 or 4 times a week this helps with toning it should only take you like 30 to 45 minutes then on the opposite days do your running and no you will not look like some bodybuilder  this will also help you feel better about yourself 

I feel you should just move on if your husband has issues with your appearance. remember if i point a finger at myself their are three pointing back at me 

Good Luck


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

He doesn't really sound like a lot of fun to be around, let alone have plastic surgery for.

He sounds like a real jerk tbh.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Yes, you need plastic surgery--on your spine, not on your tummy. Ask yourself why you have so little self-esteem that you are willing to put up with this man. He has a need to control you, and you are so insecure that you have bought into his bullsh!t. 

Plastic surgery will not solve anything. He will just move on to another area to criticize about you. Please do not model this behavior for your children.


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## jenniferred (Mar 30, 2012)

Thanks everyone! I'm at the point where I need to decide to file papers or wait. The idea of being a single mom is scary to me. Part of me feels like I should just do what I have to in order to keep the family together. If he were beating me or something it would be different. I don't hate him, I just don't love him. He may love me as a person but not love me the way I would expect a husband to love his wife. 

The time has come for me to make a decision to move on or keep trying. If I am going to divorce I want to do it now so that I don't waste any more time and energy on it.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

jenniferred said:


> Thanks everyone! I'm at the point where I need to decide to file papers or wait. The idea of being a single mom is scary to me. Part of me feels like I should just do what I have to in order to keep the family together. If he were beating me or something it would be different. I don't hate him, I just don't love him. He may love me as a person but not love me the way I would expect a husband to love his wife.
> 
> The time has come for me to make a decision to move on or keep trying. If I am going to divorce I want to do it now so that I don't waste any more time and energy on it.


He does sound like a jerk to me and I think I already know the answer to this question before I ask it. Have you tried to talk to him about the problems in the marriage? Divorce is a big decision. One that you may have to make from the sounds of things. If he won't work on the marriage then you know what you have to do. If you talk to him and he is willing to honestly address the marital problems then maybe things can improve. And I agree that the mere fact that you are considering plastic surgery for him shows you need to become a stronger individual and start standing up for yourself.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Instead of spending money on plastic surgery I recommend therapy for YOU to find out why you were attracted to such a loser in the first place and yes to find your spine. This guy was being an ass BEFORE you got married and you expected him to change? 

It's never going to happen. The only person that needs to change and grow now is you. 

Let him go.


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## jenniferred (Mar 30, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> He does sound like a jerk to me and I think I already know the answer to this question before I ask it. Have you tried to talk to him about the problems in the marriage? Divorce is a big decision. One that you may have to make from the sounds of things. If he won't work on the marriage then you know what you have to do. If you talk to him and he is willing to honestly address the marital problems then maybe things can improve. And I agree that the mere fact that you are considering plastic surgery for him shows you need to become a stronger individual and start standing up for yourself.


Yes, we have talked about it. Whenever I ask him why he allowed his family to be so rotten to me or something like that the answer is usually, "I don't know". I really think he does not know. It is like he is just programmed this way.


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## jenniferred (Mar 30, 2012)

airplane888 said:


> Rather then throw in the towel why not go get some help with a trained counselor. Divorce is easy, staying and working on the marriage takes courage and strength. Marriage is not fair and wasn't meant to be. Take a chance that maybe both of you can change, your husband needs to understand how sexual addiction is driving the two of you apart.
> 
> airplane


We already tried counseling. We had some great sessions where it helped me to understand some things that were happening but nothing ever changed.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, being a single mom isn't that bad. I was a single mom for 7 years before finding the love of my life. My ex was a good dad, just a crappy partner.


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## Mom_In-Love (Mar 18, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> I treasure...yes treasure...my wife's stretch marks and scars from her pregnancies and c sections. They show the love she had and has for me and for our children. To me they are just like "smile lines." Smile lines are wrinkles you develop when you smile a lot. That to me says you have been and are a happy person. How can you not love that.


Beowulf, I loved reading that.

------------------------------------

OP, please don't do any plastic surgery for someone else other than yourself. Your husband is very cruel with his words towards you about your body. No matter what surgery you get, even if you lose the weight yourself, nothing can stop you from getting old - what then? And, it also sounds like he will still find something else wrong with you, even now that you are still young.

You deserve to be happy. You deserve a man who will make you feel beautiful. You deserve to be in love. Let go of your current husband once and for all. Find comfort in other women who are single moms and don't be afraid. You will be just fine.

Good luck.


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## jenniferred (Mar 30, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Well, being a single mom isn't that bad. I was a single mom for 7 years before finding the love of my life. My ex was a good dad, just a crappy partner.


Thanks! This sounds a lot like how I feel about my husband. He is a man that I would love to have as a friend. He can be a lot of fun to be around but a man that is a great friend or neighbor is not necessarily a great spouse.


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## ashlynn1 (Mar 1, 2012)

I wouldn't go for surgery as my first option. I think the main thing is to try to fix his attitude towards you and your baby body. 

If it were me and my hubby was like that, I wouldn't ever consider getting a tummy tuck because I would be doing it for the wrong reasons. Also, it's his fault that you even have these issues because he wanted a second child whether you agreed to it or not. 

I don't know. If I were in your shoes I would feel pretty crummy to know that I have to do the extreme to please him. I would definitely fix his mind set towards you first and then do as he says.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Don't waste one more day mulling this over. You know the answer. You knew it when you told him to move out.

Surgically altering yourself so a dooshbag can love you is sick. Cut your losses, and file for child support. You'll be fine. Single parenting is tough at times, but you staying married to this asshat is worse.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

jenniferred said:


> Yes, we have talked about it. Whenever I ask him why he allowed his family to be so rotten to me or something like that the answer is usually, "I don't know". I really think he does not know. It is like he is just programmed this way.


They have a cure for that. Its called individual counseling. He needs it.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I would try to get some counseling for you both, particularly since you have kids. Also, had he just made the nasty comment about you, that's would be mean and unsolicited, but you asked him. Obviously in the strange female world, when you say just tell me the truth, I want to know how you feel, means tell me what I want to hear. Men have a tougher time with this and untangling these convoluted messages. 

If my wife and I were having some problems, and I said do I satisfy you, and she said, here's what you're doing wrong, I'd probably be mad initially but appreciate the honesty. 

Therefore I would give counseling a try. As to porn, I know women have all these ideas about comparison, etc., but most men just like looking at women, and it's a low stress, quick, painless way of doing it. 




jenniferred said:


> Here is the background...
> I am married to a man that is 16 years older than me. We have been married for 10 years. We have 2 children (ages 5 and 7). We have had plenty of ups and downs. We have been to counseling.
> 
> Over the years my husband has criticized me a lot. His mother and his sisters have been rotten to me and he allowed it. After having a horrible experience with my first pregnancy I told him I do not want a second but he would not take no for an answer. He made all the decisions about our wedding. There were even troubles before our marriage when he told me his ex was better in bed.
> ...


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I wouldn't consider the plastic surgery until you satisfactorily addressed your other issues.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

jenniferred said:


> Here is the background...
> I am married to a man that is 16 years older than me. We have been married for 10 years. We have 2 children (ages 5 and 7). We have had plenty of ups and downs. We have been to counseling.
> 
> Over the years my husband has criticized me a lot. His mother and his sisters have been rotten to me and he allowed it. After having a horrible experience with my first pregnancy I told him I do not want a second but he would not take no for an answer. He made all the decisions about our wedding. There were even troubles before our marriage when he told me his ex was better in bed.
> ...



You know plastic surgeons make a lot of money on this but not only for doing the plastic surgeries but also undoing the ones that are even possible to undue like breast implants. There are so many people who go under the knife and live to regret it. I would not suggest you do this. Anytime someone I know brings it up which isn't very often, the first thing I tell them is it has to be for you or you'll regret it. Your not doing this for you and it's your body. My vote? Don't get it. 
Oh and to me your husband sounds like the type that would never be pleased with anything. If you do go along with the surgery it wont be enough for him and it'll probably backfire. You'll have regrets, resentment, than you'll really want a divorce.


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## Nigel (Mar 14, 2012)

He's 16 years older than you? He treats you like that? You deserve better and you know it. Don't be afraid of leaving him, leaving him opens up so many opportunities for yourself, whereas staying with him you have none other than to put up with his horridness. If anyone should be afraid of your decision to leave it should be him. To be honest he doesn't sound as if he has much going for him anyway. Time for you to bail out while you can. Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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