# my wife messed about with another woman



## eyeball28 (Dec 21, 2011)

my wife and i have been together for 7 years, married for 3,we have 2 kids aged 5 and 2, and have been very happy throughout the years, there has definately been no cheating in the past,
my wife had been round to a friends house (a close friend of both of us) the friends husband was playing cards with me in our house on friday night.
when she came home she was very upset and crying, and proceeded to tell me how she and the other woman had kissed and touched each other but had gone no further than that.
my first reaction was complete disbelief, i was waiting for her to tell me it was just a joke,i trusted her 100% before this and its just not in her nature,we stayed up all night, i was completely in shock, shaking, i think i even had a panic attack, i cried, i got only a little angry (i feel i should have been a lot more angrier) my first thought was to leave.
by morning i had figured out i didnt want to end the marriage and neither did she, she promised nothing like that would ever happen again and i believe her. she says she doesnt even know why it did happen, she says she has never been attracted to women, the next couple of days were good, it was like the way it is when you first get together with someone, although it was always on my mind, we were like a couple of teenagers always cuddling and kissing. although i would feel sad,angry and depressed at times.
its now wednesday, we are still getting on fine but i just feel strange,i cant stop thinking that it actually happened and that she could do it to me, i get times of sadness,anger and confusion. i feel that i have been too soft on my wife and the other woman who was a close friend, i spoke to the other woman face to face on the saturday and told her very calmly that i was not happy at all but didnt want to fall out permantely with her (we're neighbours) and to just give us space and time which she has done.
my wife and i have both been talking to each other about our feeligs, my pain and mood swings and her feeling of guilt, as she is truly sorry and she seems to be hurt as much as me.
i love my wife, but she has really hurt me and all i want is the pain and the memory to go so we can get back to normal.
i definately do not want to split up.
like i said i dont feel right but i cant put my finger on it, i feel theres something missing, it all feels unfinished.


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

It's sucks. I know how you feel. Your marrige is changed forever and the way you look at your wife is changed forever. Your previous "normal" will never exsist again. That doesn't mean you can't have a great marriage in the future though. It'll just be different.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

I give you wife credit for coming straight to you about this. This could be a little or a big thing for your wife, self reflection is a must, conversations with you is required, seeing an IC is maybe necessary. Kudos for talking to the OW, is she married, is she an open lesbian.

In regards to your friend and how you are reacting to this, she may be a trigger for you, I don't believe your friendship can survive this.

Keep the communication lines open with your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Have your wife go to counseling to learn more of why she did it. Something caused it to happen. If she doesn't learn the signs, she might end up making the mistake again. She needs to learn from it.

Did the other woman apologize or explain to you what happened?

You've got to ask more questions, or your mind will start making things up for you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Was this initiated by the other woman or your wife? A series of things lead up to the kissing, any one of which would have prevented it.

My advice is to talk to your wife and take steps to prevent those things from going on again. .

If it was driven by the other woman, then stop spending time with them. After all you both are feeling your marriage on the rocks due to one event, imagie how much worse a second, third or more occupancy would be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

My advice for you is : they are never to be friends again, once the boundary has been crossed there is no going back. The friendship ends permanently for your wife's sake , yours and if you have children theirs. Do not fool yourself , your wife came clean its time for you to save her the discomfort of dealing with this woman and keep her and her husband out of your lives.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Is it possible that the other couple has some sort of open marriage and the wife was testing your wife's boundaries to see if something could be started? You really need to sever all ties to that other couple before something much more serious occurs down the road.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Could they be swingers and are trying to loop your wife into their playtime.?
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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Does the other husband know? If not then you need to expose it to him. A previous poster asked a very good question. Who was the initiator? In addition, why did your wife give herself permission to engage in this betrayal?


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Could they be swingers and are trying to loop your wife into their playtime.?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm wondering the same thing.
What was the reaction of the woman's husband?


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## eyeball28 (Dec 21, 2011)

@ calif hope
strangely, i too give her credit for coming straight to me,
its a massive thing for my wife, she is totally devastated by her own actions,she can see the hurt she has caused me and her guilt is plain too see. we are talking together about what happened and helping eachother through.
the OW is married with children.

@Hertoo

when i spoke to the OW, i didnt really give her a chance to apoligize and i didnt want her to explain. i said what i had to say and she was very upset (embarassed,sad??)
i feel i dont need to ask questions as i have asked them all and had the answers that i needed, all i cant get the answer for is "why"

@shaggy

not sure who initiated it, have asked my wife who started it and she says she doesn't know, it just happened,although i'd like to know who started it, it doesnt change anything in the long run,also i dont think my wife would have as she is quite a shy person. i don't really think it matters who started it its the fact it started at all.
i am 99% sure there will never be another incident like this,either with the same OW or any other. i have told my wife if anything like it happens again i will definately leave.

@beowulf & @shaggy

i would be very surprised if the other couple are in an open relationship or swingers, i know them both very very well and think i would have noticed something especially as we live next door.

@ bryanp
the other husband knows, the OW told him that night,
he is shocked but i think he's playing it down a little and it bothers him more than he's letting on.


ijust want it all dealt with, as i said we are talking fine, but both still feeling it, my wife was in tears yesterday because of guilt, while i feel strange, i get periods of sadness and/or depression and periods or feeling happy and normal throughout the day and i just cant get what happened out of my head.its more or less constantly on my mind,the last thing i think of before i go to sleep and the first thing i think of when i wake up. i hate to see her upset,its not forced or faked, she is geniunely upset and i don't like seeing her upset but on the other side i want her to be hurt, i think i would be pretty angry if she wasn't showing any signs of remorse.


edit
spoke to my wife today, the OW started it. my wife stopped it after no more than 5 mins.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Five minutes is a very long time!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eyeball28 (Dec 21, 2011)

calif_hope said:


> Five minutes is a very long time!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



she said it was a few minutes, no more than 5, i agree than any amount of time is too long.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Was she very drunk? 

If she was sober then I wonder if the tears are more out of guilt that she was enjoying herself and now feels what she feels because now she knows that she is capable of hooking up with this woman. If so the tears aren't her being sorry, they are tears of fear that she will do it again and it could cost her her family,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eyeball28 (Dec 21, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Was she very drunk?
> 
> If she was sober then I wonder if the tears are more out of guilt that she was enjoying herself and now feels what she feels because now she knows that she is capable of hooking up with this woman. If so the tears aren't her being sorry, they are tears of fear that she will do it again and it could cost her her family,
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


no she was pretty drunk, not that i take that as an excuse. and im sure they are only tears of guilt at putting me through this pain.


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