# Is it unwise to vent about my partner to my family and friends???



## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

*Is it unwise to vent about my partner to my family and friends who interact frequently with my partner? * because they are biased towards me and are starting to / already have a negative view of my partner. 

In addition, my immediate family, may also have 'psychological blind spots' to the way they view certain issues since we share a similar family upbringing and/or they raised me. These psychological blind spots easily turn them into sympathetic supporters to my 'views'. Which may make me feel like I'm in the 'right', even though I really share partial blame in any conflicts or disagreements. Those I talk to (family & friends) only hear my side of the story, which could also be biased with my own perception or 'filter' when I relay it to them.

My partner says its unfair and unhealthy for the relationship, because they only hear one side of the story and do not have a track record of providing evidence based or clinical based advice. They just share their opinions and give their unvalidated advice, which may also be biased from their own life experiences, baggage, prejudices, etc... Often times, their advice is in the form of support of my views, instead of finding out what the real deeper issues are that me and my partner might have.

I'm starting to understand what my partner is eluding to as I see the way my family and friends are starting to treat him/her and how this negatively affects our relationship (between my partner and I).

I use non-gender terms, because I want readers and espondents to be able to look at this from a non-gender issue. i.e., words like him, her, wife, husband are not used.

Please vote in the poll and respond with a written response. Thank you in advance for all your feedback :smthumbup:


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

bjchristian said:


> *Is it unwise to vent about my partner to my family and friends who interact frequently with my partner? * because they are biased towards me and are starting to / already have a negative view of my partner.


Yes, I think it is unwise!

Unless you are exposing an affair (in which case, everyone close to you needs to know so they can help support YOU) I think it is generally unwise to spout off routine, run-of-the-mill "annoyances" you may have with your partner.

When I got married, my mother-in-law gave me some great advice... "Never complain to your girlfriends about your husband. It will come back to bite you."

She was definitely right. I had girlfriends who would rag on their husbands and then all of their problems would get aired to the group, people talked behind their backs, and it all just became part of the rumor mill. Not my cup of tea.

Just my 2 cents...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yea some things need to be kept private.

Also, if all you do is rage about your husband, your friends/family will think that your spouse sucks because that is all you are telling them. Hard to change opinions after that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

bjchristian said:


> In addition, my immediate family, may also have 'psychological blind spots' to the way they view certain issues since we share a similar family upbringing and/or they raised me. These psychological blind spots easily turn them into sympathetic supporters to my 'views'.


Well, yeah. It's not exactly rocket science. Most of your family/friends are going to have your back. And if you are only saying negative things about your partner, then what opinion do you expect them to have? A good one. I think not.


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## Baablacksheep (Aug 29, 2013)

This s exactly what destroyed my marriage !! My wife would run to her family and some of mine with her side of things, and rather than talking to me to get my side of the story, they took her side, supported her etc. To the point they finally encouraged her to move out. When the full story came out, it looked a little differently. Both parties sides need to be heard when there's issues. That's the only way resolution that is equitable and acceptable to all is reached. When you get done talking to your family or friends about your spouse, do you feel closer to your spouse or farther away from them ? That is a good test of what kind of friend they are to your marriage.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Very unwise. Your partner is correct. Not that you don't have legitimate things to vent about, but it puts him in a horrible position. If you have one wise and discreet friend who can actually listen to you without judging your partner that could be okay. Other than that, find a therapist. You're more likely to get better feedback that way (if you want it). 

My wife did the friend venting thing and I could tell immediately just by the way they looked at me the next time I saw them. I don't particularly care what they think because I know she always tells a story that paints herself as a victim. The idea that she's ever wrong or culpable never enters her head. 

But in short, if you keep doing this you will be driving a wedge between you and your partner.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

OP, your allegiance should be to your spouse. Don't air your everyday "dirty laundry" to your friends and family. That's a relationship-killer.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

It's unwise. You could move on with your spouse after being angry and work through your issues, but the family you told will always have that in their mind. 

The only two exceptions is cheating and physical abuse. For me if its physical abuse, I'm done with him anyway. Still back and forth about cheating but most likely gone.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

yes, it is unwise. At the very least, you should have selected one, maybe two confidants and leave it that. If they ever betray, never give them a second chance.

I agree with the others above have said. some people don't forget all the negatives that you have said about your partner. Others may use that information against you. ie, blaming you for incapable of getting along with your partner; well, you've had this problem before (you basket case) and so on. 

Have you thought about the fact that you don't know that much about other people? Yes, because they got the memo. Be more sophisticated, more mysterious and deal with your relationship issues in more discrete ways.

You'll even find on this message board and many others, if you complain too much about your partner, people will ask why do you stay with him....... instead of suggesting ways to help with the issue at hand. That's just human nature.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Baablacksheep said:


> This s exactly what destroyed my marriage !! My wife would run to her family and some of mine with her side of things, and rather than talking to me to get my side of the story, they took her side, supported her etc. To the point they finally encouraged her to move out. When the full story came out, it looked a little differently. Both parties sides need to be heard when there's issues. That's the only way resolution that is equitable and acceptable to all is reached. When you get done talking to your family or friends about your spouse, do you feel closer to your spouse or farther away from them ? That is a good test of what kind of friend they are to your marriage.


I question whether people who vent this way put more importance on being right than solving marital problems. Having someone take your side doesn't mean you're right. It means that they've only heard your side of the story. 

In my wife's case she thinks she is always right, so when I disagree, she seeks out other opinions based on her slanted view of things until she gets someone to agree with her! Then she tells me that friends X and Y agree with her. 

I swear it's all to get sympathy from friends at this point because she knows I won't be swayed. That fits in with her general "I'm a victim" mentality. 

OP, are you in search of sympathy?


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Yes, it's absolutely unwise. If both partners do this, vent all their problems to their respective families, then both sets of in-laws will hate the person married to their son or daughter.

I had a long time girlfriend who did this. She told her mom EVERYTHING, and usually when she was upset with me, so her mom only heard her side of it. That drove me nuts, especially since I never talked to my parents about anything. Eventually, her mom saw me as some horrible monster, which poisoned our relationship. After awhile, the GF saw what was happening and stopped doing this but the damage was done. After we stopped dating, we were still long time friends but it made things awkward with her family. 

I think your poll could be worded differently too. I agree with both statements, that it's unwise, and also that you could write down your issues and address them with a counselor. 

I even think it's unwise when the issue is cheating - unless there is no chance of reconciliation. Even then you should be careful when there's children involved, because when other family visit the children, it's unhealthy if they are constantly bad-mouthing the other parent.


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## Baablacksheep (Aug 29, 2013)

VermisciousKnid said:


> I question whether people who vent this way put more importance on being right than solving marital problems. Having someone take your side doesn't mean you're right. It means that they've only heard your side of the story.
> 
> In my wife's case she thinks she is always right, so when I disagree, she seeks out other opinions based on her slanted view of things until she gets someone to agree with her! Then she tells me that friends X and Y agree with her.
> 
> ...


Be very careful with this kind of situation, I was silent about what my wife was doing to me, because I wasn't going to diss my partner to my friends and family. The whole time I was doing the honorable and right thing she was trashing me to everyone who would listen. If I would have known that, believe me I would done things a lot differently. 

Your dead on with the thought that she was going to be right and ran around trying to convince everyone else so she could feel in the right.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

VermisciousKnid said:


> In my wife's case she thinks she is always right, so when I disagree, she seeks out other opinions based on her slanted view of things until she gets someone to agree with her! Then she tells me that friends X and Y agree with her.
> 
> I swear it's all to get sympathy from friends at this point because she knows I won't be swayed. That fits in with her general "I'm a victim" mentality.


But it begs the question. Why do you put up with that?


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I am friends with a married couple of 58 years. They never interact with my wife. When I am down, they seem to notice and want to know what's up. I like their opinions and it helps to know how they work out issues. They tell me its important to vent at times. They are not my parents but sometimes, they feel like it. They don't always take my side.

Another married couple of 40 plus years are about the same. 

It's not all that different from TAM. We give and receive advice and opinions from unlicensed people. My wife tells me TAM is just like having an EA. She feels TAM is the reason we are closer to a D.


Is it wrong? It has helped me let go of expectations and resentments...


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## Kristinkle (Jul 30, 2014)

One of the best pieces of advice I received was from my aunt who told me never to tell family about our arguments or bad mouth him because although we would get over our fights, they would not forget what was said.


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## stuckinboston (Jul 28, 2010)

IMO you should have one or two people you can trust to have two-way discussions about what is bothering you. This might be a counselor, a friend, a family member, but you need to be able to implicitly trust someone in your life with your problems, be they spouse-related or not.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Theseus said:


> But it begs the question. Why do you put up with that?


This isn't my thread, but I will say that when I finally called her on that crap, she sensed more of a firm position on my part than in the past. She started going to counseling to work on her issues, but she hasn't told me what she talks about. She tells me that she has made changes as a result but they aren't visible to me. 

When she went to counseling in the past she just used the time as a pity party and never really gained anything from it except a prescription for antidepressants. So I guess her current stint is more productive. 

For my part, I'm like a lot of the men here in that I put up with too much crap for too long and then happened to stumble upon TAM which began my process of setting things right. I enabled her lousy behavior, so that's my fault. But the past is the past and I'm not going to repeat those mistakes. 

She might still vent to friends - I don't really care anymore. As someone said earlier in the thread, they cant forget what she's already told them. The only thing that will prevent me from throwing in the towel is if she actually comes to me to try to resolve our issues. I haven't seen any sign of that so far.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I think it would be a rare case when you could actually tell your family or close friends anything bad about your spouse and it would be okay.

I only know of one person, my husband, who can tell his mom or dad about our arguments. They actually never take sides. They consider me their daughter, so they always just try to get us to work out the problems. That is a rare thing. I never tell my parents anything.

This is why I like TAM. It's a good place to vent if I need to and people have unbiased opinions.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

If you feel the need to vent about your spouse seek a counsellor and get to the root cause. Even if they can't help you get to the cause they atleast have sworn a professional oath of discretion and privacy.

Friends are there to support each other, so if you just need to be listened to or seek advice from someone you trust, then a close friend may be what you need, but the point is not to unload the stuff you aren't willing to deal with on them, especially if the person you are unloading onto has no interest in actually helping support you.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

bjchristian said:


> *Is it unwise to vent about my partner to my family and friends who interact frequently with my partner? * because they are biased towards me and are starting to / already have a negative view of my partner.
> 
> In addition, my immediate family, may also have 'psychological blind spots' to the way they view certain issues since we share a similar family upbringing and/or they raised me. These psychological blind spots easily turn them into sympathetic supporters to my 'views'. Which may make me feel like I'm in the 'right', even though I really share partial blame in any conflicts or disagreements. Those I talk to (family & friends) only hear my side of the story, which could also be biased with my own perception or 'filter' when I relay it to them.
> 
> ...


I REALLY enjoyed reading this opening post, because you have effectively just laid out - very self aware in articulating...EXACTLY WHY IT IS A BAD IDEA..(the psychological blind spots, only hearing your side through your perceptions, they being family members with a similar background likely to take your side & form bad opinions of him/ her... missing the good.....etc etc)....

It seems you have already answered your own question...and did a FINE JOB at that !! ~with your spouses input ....:smthumbup::smthumbup: 

I don't think any answer here is going to do justice as well as you have already put in this post as to *why* it can come back to BITE...

Now -from my perspective.. I am the type of person who will be very open about my own flaws to friends/ family... they already know them anyway ! I can be impatient , can be critical, like to get my own way... (sounds awful , right)... Good thing is.. me & H have so much in common , these things are rarely an issue..actually he finds me awfully reasonable ...

When I have said something about my husband or some struggle I may be having.. Heck, they take his side !! And that's great, I NEED to hear it.. I can't throw my husband under the bus.. they KNOW HIM.. He's sweeter than me! I'm screwed. 

But even with others (venting about a friend who hurt me, for example) ...I try to be careful when I speak something BAD about someone to ALSO SPEAK some GOOD as to not only shed light on this one little area but give a fuller picture.. More people need to do this.. when they have venting moments. ya know.. 

As most of us, especially women ...we DO need to VENT sometimes...or go write a letter to release our inner turmoil..PRAY... whatever it may be. 

But really.. if you have a willing partner.. the best method is to take ALL to your spouse...whatever you need worked out... plan a time.. sit down and talk.. get it on the table.. and haggle it out ...till you both find a workable "Peace".. so you can go forth united... 

Given what you have said here.."My partner says its unfair and unhealthy for the relationship[/U], because they only hear one side of the story and do not have a track record of providing evidence based or clinical based advice. ..."...and you have been receptive to his/ her thoughts seeing the merit in them...

Sounds to me you are having some GREAT discussions weighing the pros & cons ...just take this to all areas of your marriage... 

Here is an excellent article on Communication.. for any couple.. 

 PLANTING THE SEED OF INTERDEPENDENCE



> *1.* Interdependent couples accept the need for them to change and take ownership of their own issues. They do not blame their partner or others for their problems, nor do they assume the role of a victim.
> 
> Interdependent couples are able to realize what their issues are on an individual level, and are dedicated and motivated to working through their issues, regardless of what their partner has chosen to do. They recognize when their issues are being brought into the marriage, and are dedicated to their own growth and recovery.
> 
> ...


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

Thank you for all the responses. I just wanted to let everyone know that the way I wrote the OP, 'my partner' is me, the person doing all the bi*ching, is my wife. She vents to many parties in an exaggerated manner from my perspective. It makes me seem like a crazy person or a-hole to those that do not know me. I tend not to talk about our personal matters as much, as I think it actually does more harm than good. I think it's unhealthy, b/c of the following:

a) if the advice or impression is that one person is always wrong, the person dispensing advice is not a critical thinker;

b) if their own lives are worse then your or they have a bad history or limited history of personal relationships they may not have the depth of knowledge to provide any valuable feedback;

c) if they know each person asymmetrical, ie. they know one person more than the other, they are biased from the get go;

d) if none of their advice results in an improvement in your relationship, not only are they actually causing more distance in your relationship and supporting things that are unhealthy, but they are just a time-waster.

I've had a few family members ask me questions and try to give their 2-cents. I typically tell them to stay out of my business. I tell them concern is good, but they don't have the depth or capacity to help resolve some of the simple or complex underlying issues.


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## Nigel Pinchley (Jul 29, 2014)

Your points are all valid. 

Marriage is hard enough with just two people's opinions. No need to add more. It's OK to have *maybe* one person who is a friend *to your marriage* to go to for advice, but even that can have its own issues.

Have you asked your wife why she does this?


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

VermisciousKnid said:


> This isn't my thread, but I will say that when I finally called her on that crap, she sensed more of a firm position on my part than in the past. She started going to counseling to work on her issues, but she hasn't told me what she talks about. She tells me that she has made changes as a result but they aren't visible to me.
> 
> When she went to counseling in the past she just used the time as a pity party and never really gained anything from it except a prescription for antidepressants. So I guess her current stint is more productive.
> 
> ...


I can related to you 100 percent.


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

Nigel Pinchley said:


> Your points are all valid.
> 
> Marriage is hard enough with just two people's opinions. No need to add more. It's OK to have *maybe* one person who is a friend *to your marriage* to go to for advice, but even that can have its own issues.
> 
> Have you asked your wife why she does this?


The MC will need to look into this. I have my views as to why she is like this, but if I tell her she may not accept my view as she's a bit hyper critical at this moment in our journey.

Thanks for your feedback :smthumbup:


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

stuckinboston said:


> IMO you should have one or two people you can trust to have two-way discussions about what is bothering you. This might be a counselor, a friend, a family member, but you need to be able to implicitly trust someone in your life with your problems, be they spouse-related or not.


I talk with a buddy of mine that lives in another country, but he'll never meet her and he's not too judgemental. I try to limit stuff to our inner circle that is in our local area. i think it makes her look bad and it also makes me look bad indirectly. I'm not sure if it's different between men and women in these matters, but i think it is.


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Yes, I think it is unwise!
> 
> Unless you are exposing an affair (in which case, everyone close to you needs to know so they can help support YOU) I think it is generally unwise to spout off routine, run-of-the-mill "annoyances" you may have with your partner.
> 
> ...



Your mother in law gave you solid advice.:iagree:


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

Baablacksheep said:


> This s exactly what destroyed my marriage !! My wife would run to her family and some of mine with her side of things, and rather than talking to me to get my side of the story, they took her side, supported her etc. To the point they finally encouraged her to move out. When the full story came out, it looked a little differently. Both parties sides need to be heard when there's issues. That's the only way resolution that is equitable and acceptable to all is reached. When you get done talking to your family or friends about your spouse, do you feel closer to your spouse or farther away from them ? That is a good test of what kind of friend they are to your marriage.


I think the way my wife has portrayed me to her family and friends, makes me seem like an insensitive a-hole or monster. They don't even know half the story and it is building a wedge into the relationship. I just hope that everything gets sorted out with some concerted effort and time.

I'm being profiled by people who are not master profilers. One time I had a talk / arguement with one of them and they lost their cool and they kinda spilled the beans on a lot of stuff that was told to them and how they viewed me / their impressions. It was an eye opener what she's been telling them and no wonder they think i'm nuts. In the end it's totally unhealthy for herself, I and the relationship. :scratchhead:


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

VermisciousKnid said:


> Very unwise. Your partner is correct. Not that you don't have legitimate things to vent about, but it puts him in a horrible position. If you have one wise and discreet friend who can actually listen to you without judging your partner that could be okay. Other than that, find a therapist. You're more likely to get better feedback that way (if you want it).
> 
> My wife did the friend venting thing and I could tell immediately just by the way they looked at me the next time I saw them. I don't particularly care what they think because I know she always tells a story that paints herself as a victim. The idea that she's ever wrong or culpable never enters her head.
> 
> But in short, if you keep doing this you will be driving a wedge between you and your partner.


My wife even vents to people who have never had a serious male-female relationship in their life. Now what advice can they bring to the table? I kind of nicely told that person one time to stay out of our business in a semi-friendly manner.


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> OP, your allegiance should be to your spouse. Don't air your everyday "dirty laundry" to your friends and family. That's a relationship-killer.


I wish my wife knew this concept.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Give your complaints about your spouse to god, your praises about your spouse to your friends....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

VermisciousKnid said:


> I question whether people who vent this way put more importance on being right than solving marital problems. Having someone take your side doesn't mean you're right. It means that they've only heard your side of the story.
> 
> In my wife's case she thinks she is always right, so when I disagree, she seeks out other opinions based on her slanted view of things until she gets someone to agree with her! Then she tells me that friends X and Y agree with her.
> 
> ...


often times the hurt, anger and/or resentment messed up their perception of what the real deep underlying issues are. these deep underlying issues often remain hidden, b/c they are complex and hurtful to acknowledge in their totality. to acknowledge and and grow, a certain part of their 'matrix' needs to be destroyed and a new psychological matrix of them self needs be actualized. this is always a painful and non-fun process.


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

Theseus said:


> Yes, it's absolutely unwise. If both partners do this, vent all their problems to their respective families, then both sets of in-laws will hate the person married to their son or daughter.
> 
> I had a long time girlfriend who did this. She told her mom EVERYTHING, and usually when she was upset with me, so her mom only heard her side of it. That drove me nuts, especially since I never talked to my parents about anything. Eventually, her mom saw me as some horrible monster, which poisoned our relationship. After awhile, the GF saw what was happening and stopped doing this but the damage was done. After we stopped dating, we were still long time friends but it made things awkward with her family.
> 
> ...


I agree with you. Unless it's total game over and all the x's have been checked off you don't want any party to jump to conclusions, b/c they always have a chance at being wrong.

often the scars of emotional abuse last the longest. I think many men put up with a lot of emotional abuse before they actually deal with it or talk about openly. i don't think it's right to be this way, but men are more like this. for myself, a lot of this stuff is shameful, thus I don't try to share or vent with anyone.


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

Baablacksheep said:


> Be very careful with this kind of situation, I was silent about what my wife was doing to me, because I wasn't going to diss my partner to my friends and family. The whole time I was doing the honorable and right thing she was trashing me to everyone who would listen. If I would have known that, believe me I would done things a lot differently.
> 
> Your dead on with the thought that she was going to be right and ran around trying to convince everyone else so she could feel in the right.


unfortunately the honour is not always 2 ways. i've been burned by this also. ce la vie


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

Trickster said:


> I am friends with a married couple of 58 years. They never interact with my wife. When I am down, they seem to notice and want to know what's up. I like their opinions and it helps to know how they work out issues. They tell me its important to vent at times. They are not my parents but sometimes, they feel like it. They don't always take my side.
> 
> Another married couple of 40 plus years are about the same.
> 
> ...



Statistically most people you tell or vent to are time wasters. They have no solid advice to give and half the crap they always say is.

'WE SUPPORT WHAT EVER DECISION YOU MAKE' ~ don't know how that helps. Total bs 90% of the time. 10% of the time it might actually be beneficial. Would i bet or 9:1 odds with my partner or spouse? i wouldn't.


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

Kristinkle said:


> One of the best pieces of advice I received was from my aunt who told me never to tell family about our arguments or bad mouth him because although we would get over our fights, they would not forget what was said.


Right on, why would you want to paint a tarnished image of the person you love. Makes jack all sense to me. You're lucky you received solid advice. :smthumbup:


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

Theseus said:


> But it begs the question. Why do you put up with that?


This is a complex issue which is beyond the scope of this thread. I guess in the end, I think it's worth it if things get resolved. Life is not that simple all the time.


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## Nigel Pinchley (Jul 29, 2014)

Even given that things are never simple and that on such a website as this it's hard to give full context and nigh impossible to give both sides of the story, your wife's behavior sounds a bit toxic.

Of course, we only know what you tell us, and your behavior could be just as toxic, or there could be some other host of reasons why your wife feels this need to constantly trash you to her family or really anyone who'll stand still long enough.


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

Nigel Pinchley said:


> Even given that things are never simple and that on such a website as this it's hard to give full context and nigh impossible to give both sides of the story, your wife's behavior sounds a bit toxic.
> 
> Of course, we only know what you tell us, and your behavior could be just as toxic, or there could be some other host of reasons why your wife feels this need to constantly trash you to her family or really anyone who'll stand still long enough.


For sure there are some underlying unresolved issues and mismanaged expectations which are like a crack in the ashphalt and have been covered up with dirt and other debris. The key is solving the issues that caused the cracks. Focusing on the dirt is counter productive.


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

Sbrown said:


> Give your complaints about your spouse to god, your praises about your spouse to your friends....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We are not religious.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

bjchristian said:


> Statistically most people you tell or vent to are time wasters. They have no solid advice to give and half the crap they always say is.
> 
> 'WE SUPPORT WHAT EVER DECISION YOU MAKE' ~ don't know how that helps. Total bs 90% of the time. 10% of the time it might actually be beneficial. Would i bet or 9:1 odds with my partner or spouse? i wouldn't.


Does that include TAM advice?


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

inquizitivemind said:


> This is why I like TAM. It's a good place to vent if I need to and people have unbiased opinions.


Your kidding.....right????

People on TAM have a huge bias. Many are a BS and are hurt. What advice do they normally give?

My wife seems to think TAM is the reason for our issues. 

I am emotionally stronger, confident, and happier. I no longer jump through hoops. I think TAM has made me say and do stupid things, which has forced communication... We can't go back Noe.

My wife thinks Tammers gave bad advice and is causing our problems.


No matter where the advice comes from, it's up to us to weed out the good advice from the bad... Thats hard because we are not always in our right mind when we first come here.

Unbiased on TAM? Now that is funny.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Every one, whether a professional counselor or a casual observer, comes with a POV. It's inescapable. Being a professional doesn't even guarantee that you are good. 

I'd say that TAM offers many ideas and approaches to your problems and it's up to you to sift through them. There's a lot of good advice among the not so good. In the end, when you take action based on advice received here, hopefully it is because it makes sense to you in your situation rather than because you are blindly following a formula. Wouldn't the same be true of advice received from a therapist?

I'd say that someone who rejects TAM as a source of knowledge is likely to reject a counselor as a source of knowledge too, if it upsets their apple cart.


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

Trickster said:


> Does that include TAM advice?


Any advice you receive needs to be questioned as you do not know the credentials of who is saying what. 

and even....

when you do have the credentials of a certified mc, it doesn't mean their advice is always sound. it could be corrupted by their own personal issues, experiences and struggles.

i prefer mcs who have seen it all done in all in both their personal and professional life. they cannot only live life thru their patients but also most experience it themselves.:scratchhead:


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

Trickster said:


> Your kidding.....right????
> 
> People on TAM have a huge bias. Many are a BS and are hurt. What advice do they normally give?
> 
> ...


as you noted you need to weed thru it.

any person who follows any advice given has to be responsible for the buck. they chose to follow it (unless it is the professional advice of say a lawyer or physician, etc... but even then they make you sign informed consent forms).

if the end you can diffuse the blame, but the only way to grow is to blame yourself (or atleast partly)


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

VermisciousKnid said:


> Every one, whether a professional counselor or a casual observer, comes with a POV. It's inescapable. Being a professional doesn't even guarantee that you are good.
> 
> I'd say that TAM offers many ideas and approaches to your problems and it's up to you to sift through them. There's a lot of good advice among the not so good. In the end, when you take action based on advice received here, hopefully it is because it makes sense to you in your situation rather than because you are blindly following a formula. Wouldn't the same be true of advice received from a therapist?
> 
> I'd say that someone who rejects TAM as a source of knowledge is likely to reject a counselor as a source of knowledge too, if it upsets their apple cart.


I agree with this post.

I gave some advice on another thread of some guy who was upset b/c his buddy was cooking in boxers in front of his wife.

my advice was that he should come down and start cooking in the nude to bring it up a notch...don't mind the pun if i say so myself....or maybe down a notch...hahaha:rofl:

now this was clearly a joke, but if he followed my advice he'd be a fool and should only blame himself for his lack of humor :rofl:


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

I can't answer the question because I would make a distinction between family and friends. I have a very tight group of 3gf with whom I can talk about ANYTHING. IMO this is very helpful. These are not people who have much social interaction with my H except through me (eg when we have a BBQ or game night including our spouses). Nor are these people who gossip. What we say in our group stays in our group. 

This is a therapeutic community. Many occasions, they have reframed things for me in a way which helps me release anxiety and anger and be more understanding. 

Women process things by talking about them and we need GF's for that. I've seen women w/o close GF's get into EA's when OM steps in to meet our need to talk and vent and be understood and heard.


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

Blonde said:


> I can't answer the question because I would make a distinction between family and friends. I have a very tight group of 3gf with whom I can talk about ANYTHING. IMO this is very helpful. These are not people who have much social interaction with my H except through me (eg when we have a BBQ or game night including our spouses). Nor are these people who gossip. What we say in our group stays in our group.
> 
> This is a therapeutic community. Many occasions, they have reframed things for me in a way which helps me release anxiety and anger and be more understanding.
> 
> Women process things by talking about them and we need GF's for that. I've seen women w/o close GF's get into EA's when OM steps in to meet our need to talk and vent and be understood and heard.


This is true, it is therapeutic. However a group of women' or a group of men will still have 'gender blindspots' unless they have a lot of experience in these matters. Therapeutic for the individual may or may not translate into helping the relationship.


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

bjchristian said:


> This is true, it is therapeutic. However a group of women' or a group of men will still have 'gender blindspots' unless they have a lot of experience in these matters. Therapeutic for the individual may or may not translate into helping the relationship.


A man having 5 beers could also be viewed as therapeutic :rofl:


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

bjchristian said:


> A man having 5 beers could also be viewed as therapeutic :rofl:


Therapeutic="healing"

=/= drowning sorrows, self medication, escapism


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

I have to confess that I read through the first page of responses, then skipped to the last page, so I apologize if I repeat what has already been said.

Venting is necessary and it will likely affect you physically if you don't. That is my experience. I am a very strong and healthy middle aged man, yet last October I found myself in an ambulance, likely an anxiety/stress attack that felt like a heart attack. Good thing about that one is that the ambulance techs said there was no way it was my heart!

A good many of the people at this forum are here to vent.

I think it can be a good thing to talk to a close brother or your father if you need someone who knows you, can help you work through your own issues that you bring to your relationship. My dad has done a good job sharing from his experience with my mother over the years. In my situation, my father and my brother knowing more is not a detriment as they already have their opinions about my wife. I would not go beyond one or two close family members, would not vent just to be venting, think through things before sharing with them, save their input for those issues that just can not be thought through on my own.

That said, sharing with family members can be better than a counselor, in my opinion. Any time the story is one sided is going to be looked at in a one sided fashion, whether it is shared with friend/family/counselor. I also had trouble finding a counselor who would meet with me only without my wife, probably because it is essential to hear both sides.

I do have a trusted friend, not a mutual friend, that I vent to. It helps but is not the healthiest way to vent.

Two years ago I helped a friend deal with the struggle of an unfaithful wife while he tried to decide if he should stay with her or not. I even went to court with him for the final judgement for their divorce. He and his ex-wife are both friends of ours, still are. He wanted to know about my own marriage as he had detected the tension between my wife and I. I told him. I am not sure it was the best idea to do that.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

bjchristian said:


> This is true, it is therapeutic. However a group of women' or a group of men will still have 'gender blindspots' unless they have a lot of experience in these matters. Therapeutic for the individual may or may not translate into helping the relationship.


One of my GF's is 72 had an 8 year first M with 4 children and a 42 year second M with 2 children. Her children are age 40's and 50's- three boys, three girls. Between her own experience with M and those of her children, she has much insight and wisdom.

A counselor of either gender might have "gender blindspots" too. Would you say you have gender blindspots?



bjchristian said:


> Therapeutic for the individual may or may not translate into helping the relationship.


ITA :iagree:

If one half of a couple engages inner healing, personal growth, recovery... and the other half does not... some day they will not be "a match" anymore


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

Blonde said:


> bjchristian said:
> 
> 
> > This is true, it is therapeutic. However a group of women' or a group of men will still have 'gender blindspots' unless they have a lot of experience in these matters. Therapeutic for the individual may or may not translate into helping the relationship.
> ...


I certainly have gender blindspots and I always want to know what they are. I joined a forum 'Cafe mom' and wanted to get a females view of my two threads that I have started on this forum. Guess what happened. *They deleted my account. The mod said that forum is mainly for women who vent on men. They don't want men bringing up issues to get a balanced female perspective*. 

With respect to a counsellor I total argree with you that they have blind spot so you need the capacity to find the right one. A good one. Counsellors are like restaurants... Only about 20 percent of them are good. 

I really appreciate your balanced view related to the OP. Thanks.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## agreenbough (Oct 1, 2012)

This thread interests me because, instead of venting to anyone who may know my husband, I vented on a message board for the very reason that I needed to get things off my chest and felt that talking to people who know him would color their perceptions of him. I didn't want to do that, because I knew when/if our issues were resolved, the people I told would remember and possibly hold it against him.
However, my husband found my message board posts and read everything I have written over the last 5 years and has turned it against me. He is even talking about divorce. (The issues were mainly about his parents.) He would never talk to me about the issues - would literally change the subject - so I sought a shoulder elsewhere.
I recently started seeing a therapist, and I told him I had done a "bad thing" by posting on message boards. He told me message boards are a good outlet and he actually recommends them for some people. He said the bigger problem was my husband actively searching for my posts and reading them. The whole point of using the message board was to be anonymous. I feel like he eavesdropped on private conversations. My husband is mad that all my "internet friends" have a low opinion of him, which is ridiciulous to me. They don't know us. After they post they move on to someone else. I didn't pay attention to the bad things people said about him, I was only looking for an ear and for the sympathy he didn't give me.


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## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

It is unwise. Not just because they'll think less of _him_. They're likely to also think less of _you_. Even if they conceal it to your face and seem totally sympathetic, because that's what family does. 

Your husband is right...you two are a team. Your job is to protect and take care of each other. That means when bad stuff happens, "Back to back, guns pointed out, not at each other." 

The only time I ever publicly bad-mouthed my first husband was when I was completely done and ready to kick him out, and that was only because I was afraid of how he'd react and wanted my dad there for support. They never heard about the affairs, or the temper, or the attraction to little girls before that. 

In my opinion...venting doesn't help a marriage. It's destructive, and just reinforces ONE side of the problem...which frankly doesn't need reinforcing, since it's your side and you already know it. It does not in any way prepare you to listen and understand HIS side, and in fact may make that much harder. 

If you find that rare girlfriend who can listen to you vent AND then help you to come back to your spouse and consider his side of things...then talk to her. That's an extremely valuable friend. But usually, you have to pay those friends, because they're actually marriage counselors.


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## muffin1983 (Sep 1, 2013)

I generally think this is unwise. My husband and I went through a rough patch about 6 years ago while I was teaching overseas and had a difficult time dealing with the distance. I didn't realize at the time but my husband was venting to anyone who would listen, his family and various friends. Basically I got the cold shoulder from everyone when I returned to Canada. It was a horrible feeling. I not only had to readjust to life here but relationships seemed very strained and still to this day some of those relationships have never fully recovered, even those ours did.

I understand the importance of venting but it is important not to give family/friends a play by play especially since they only hear one of side of the story.

I actually find this message board and a journal a good outlet for venting.

I have leaned on friends for support but only goes as far as saying H and I are having a disagreement and never go into specifics. Its just nice to know that somebody understands why you may be having an "off" day/week.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I voted other because the choices weren't complete. If you really must vent, a forum online is at least distant enough to absorb the vitriol without it spilling back on you. In general venting to others is a poor substitute for working together to resolve the issues. If you have got to the stage where you cant talk together about a problem the a professional is indicated. (regardless of how much experience your friends have)

As to the value of girlfriends. I have quite a few sisters in law. I reached a point in my marriage when I dreaded family gatherings because a happy marriage grew a whole batch of problems every time that group of girls got together to talk. To this day my wife denies that they all circled up and had a gripe about your man fest. All I know is the troubles were not there before. To misquote Mary Poppins "we adore men individually, (but) we agree, as a group, they're rather stupid."
It's not just women, men tend to do the same thing. In fact the family gathering thing could have been a male caused thing. My recollection is that after watching my sisters in law I usually appreciate my wife more. 
Like many my parents said to never bring them a problem without bring my wife as well. Pretty smart.

MN


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Well as a generalisation, I would not, as you never know what will be passed on to others and may get back, in which case you run the risk of being accused of disloyalty. And indeed, your spouse will almost certainly feel you have been disloyal.

If you have a problem with your spouse, it is much better to talk directly to them about it, in private.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

After reading through replies on this thread and thinking about this one a bit more, I something else to add. This is one that is close to my heart as my wife are night and day opposites, especially when it comes to privacy. She is horrified if anyone, friend or family, might have a negative thought about her. I think it is healthy if people see me as real and genuine.

My wife spends a great deal of time communicating with her sisters and friends. I wish she would talk to them about her relationship with me. I honestly and truly do. Why? She needs to think through issues with someone who cares enough to listen and consider what she is saying, in a way that someone who is invested her will do. That, my friends, seems healthy to me. 

My wife holds on to resentment, lets it grow. Part of that is because she doesn't deal with it. Heck, so do I, but at least I try to deal with it.

So I think it's wise to vent and to share with friends and family, but be wise about it. Don't wear your emotions on your sleeve, but don't be afraid to share them.


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## cuchulain36 (Jul 8, 2014)

It's definitely unwise, people will judge you and if you do reconcile they will always despise your spouse making holidays uncomfortable.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Oh my. I say HELL NO to vent about your lover. Once my SO and I got into a heated argument and he ended up leaving and taking our kids to MY MOTHERS! I called an hour later and SHE said he wasn't there, which I KNEW he was. I can only imagine what he said about me to my mom, who tells the rest of the family everything, including embellishments and straight out lies.

He got home and I told him if he ever takes the kids without me knowing OR tells my mom about our lives, that I would NEVER speak with him again.

I didn't speak to my mom or the rest of my family FOR A YEAR after this because I felt humiliated, betrayed and the only reason I forgave my mom is that I had surgery and was on a morphine drip and my SO told her I was in the hospital. 

So please, write in a journal, go to a message board, go to a support group, read a relationship book, eat a sandwich, separate until you both calm down- but I do not recommend confiding in anybody related to either party.


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