# How do I get our relationship to move forward?



## mlim (Oct 5, 2014)

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. He is 24 and I am 25. I already know I want to marry him some day but I'm not sure if we are on the same page.

Right now I live with him and his sisters. Originally it was their family house but his mom got married and moved out, all his sisters moved out but moved back in due to relationship issues. So now it's me, him, his two sisters, and one of their boyfriends. After two years I feel like I'm sooo ready to get our own place. But he pays for the mortgage while everyone else pays for utilities so it might affect them if he moves, although they would be able to easily afford it.

I am also wanting to get married in 2-4 years but I'm not sure if he is ready. A year ago we said 27/28 was good age to get married but he was concerned about his studies and salary. He thinks he doesn't make enough and he wants to finish school to get a better job. The thing is, it would take him like 8 years going part time and I would hate to wait that long to get married.

I feel like money shouldn't be a huge deal. A lot of his friends are married or have kids and they make the same, if not less, than we do together combined.

What should I do? I want us to have our own place and I want to know we will get married before we are 30...but he seems to be more daydreaming about spending money on his car. He doesn't spend money like crazy but I'm just saying his head doesn't seem to be about marriage. I asked him if maybe we could move and get our own place in 2 years once we save up enough and he said he'll consider it. But we didn't discuss it further.. I don't want to live with him and his sisters for the next 3 years.. as for marriage, I'm not in a rush. I just want to know if he wants to marry me one day and if it's before I'm 30.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is now way to know what will happen between now and when you turn 30.

What you have right now is what you get. If that's not what you want you really need to move on.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think it's good to develop goals for your life. The only problem here is that he has none. To make a marriage successful, you need to align your goals. You can't force him to want to have the same goals as you. He's just not at the same place, emotionally, as you. It may be that he never will be.

I think it's okay for a young person to have goals about where they want to be in life. I had that too. It's a great way to help you figure out if the person you're with is the person for you, because loving someone is actually fairly easy but being suited for marriage is not. You have to pay attention to the signs, you have to accept that a person doesn't change. He is who he is, his priorities are what they are.


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## mlim (Oct 5, 2014)

breeze said:


> I think it's good to develop goals for your life. The only problem here is that he has none. To make a marriage successful, you need to align your goals. You can't force him to want to have the same goals as you. He's just not at the same place, emotionally, as you. It may be that he never will be.
> 
> I think it's okay for a young person to have goals about where they want to be in life. I had that too. It's a great way to help you figure out if the person you're with is the person for you, because loving someone is actually fairly easy but being suited for marriage is not. You have to pay attention to the signs, you have to accept that a person doesn't change. He is who he is, his priorities are what they are.



So you think your advice is that love isn't enough sometimes and if you're not on the same page is to decide to stay and wonder or let it go?

I was hoping I could talk to him about it and see if he can see himself marrying me one day. I love him but I don't know if I can stay for several years waiting. His sister has a bf and they've been dating 10 years and they don't even live together even though she wants to move forward. I don't want to be them.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

mlim said:


> So you think your advice is that love isn't enough sometimes and if you're not on the same page is to decide to stay and wonder or let it go?


No, love is not enough sometimes. Right now, it appears he's content where he is -- definitely not on the same page as you. IMHO, at this point he should know whether he wants to marry you or not.

If it were me, I'd sit down with him and -- without yelling, crying or anything like that -- tell him I'd like to marry in a couple of years AND be in our own place. (You said his sisters and the one sister's boyfriend can afford the mortgage and utilities, so there's no reason for him to stay there.) His answer will tell you what decision you need to make. And take the answer at face value; don't try to read anything into it, or twist it to make it what YOU want to hear. Take his words exactly as you hear them.



> I was hoping I could talk to him about it and see if he can see himself marrying me one day. I love him but I don't know if I can stay for several years waiting. *His sister has a bf and they've been dating 10 years and they don't even live together even though she wants to move forward.* I don't want to be them.


Exactly. As EleGirl and breeze said (and many here have found out the hard painful way), you cannot force someone to have the same priorities as you. You also cannot -- and will not -- change them. What you're seeing is *exactly* what you will get in your marriage -- IF he wants to marry.

Unfortunately, there's no easy answers. But there is nothing wrong with asking him where his head's at.


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## Miss Honey (Sep 26, 2014)

Why don't you just bring the idea of marriage up with him? So far everything you have explained seems pretty straight forward and reasonable, just start a dialogue and see where it goes.

I think the mistake would be to start a conversation and then get upset if he isn't immediately agreeable to what you want. Or if he says yes, to start rushing things along too quickly and spook him. Just be really honest with yourself regarding your motivations. Do you really just want to know where he stands regarding marriage? Or are you actually hoping to get the ball rolling on getting married? And why is marriage so important to you? If you're living together you're most of the way there anyway - are you hoping that marriage will mean you can live without his sisters around? Because that's a separate issue. 

Just tell him the same things you have told us - You love him, he's a great partner and you'd like to get married. See how it goes! Good luck!


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

mlim said:


> I want us to have our own place and I want to know we will get married before we are 30...but *he seems to be more daydreaming about spending money on his car.* He doesn't spend money like crazy but I'm just saying *his head doesn't seem to be about marriage. I asked him if maybe we could move and get our own place in 2 years once we save up enough and he said he'll consider it. But we didn't discuss it further.*


I'll be as tactful as I can ... right here is your answer. He doesn't want to marry -- and I'm guessing he won't want to for a good long time. You cannot and will not force him to have the same priorities as you. If marriage is your real end goal, sounds like you may need to move on from this one.

He's dodging you on the important questions (will we ever marry? do you want to marry? when will we have our own place?), and he seems to be placing his sisters above you. If they can easily afford the mortgage and utilities between them and the one's boyfriend, then there's no reason for him to be there.

I'm sorry you had to find out this way. But it's time for some cold, hard logic -- and some very hard decisions.


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## mlim (Oct 5, 2014)

sunvalley said:


> No, love is not enough sometimes. Right now, it appears he's content where he is -- definitely not on the same page as you. IMHO, at this point he should know whether he wants to marry you or not.
> 
> If it were me, I'd sit down with him and -- without yelling, crying or anything like that -- tell him I'd like to marry in a couple of years AND be in our own place. (You said his sisters and the one sister's boyfriend can afford the mortgage and utilities, so there's no reason for him to stay there.) His answer will tell you what decision you need to make. And take the answer at face value; don't try to read anything into it, or twist it to make it what YOU want to hear. Take his words exactly as you hear them.
> 
> ...


Thanks everyone. I just want to be married before I'm 30. Like by the time I'm 29 or something...I just want to know if he wants to one day and if it's not when I'm like 33 or something.

Thanks all.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

mlim said:


> So you think your advice is that love isn't enough sometimes and if you're not on the same page is to decide to stay and wonder or let it go?
> 
> I was hoping I could talk to him about it and see if he can see himself marrying me one day. I love him but I don't know if I can stay for several years waiting. His sister has a bf and they've been dating 10 years and they don't even live together even though she wants to move forward. I don't want to be them.


Yes you should definitely talk to him about it. Assumptions about what someone else is thinking can get people into a lot of trouble. Find out exactly what his goals are and if you can both compromise to align your goals.

If one of you cannot happily live with the goals being set, with the priorities being formed, that's when you have to make the choice to accept that if you move forward, these problems will not get better, they will follow you. 

In my own experience, I had a long term relationship I had initially thought would end up in marriage. His priorities and goals didn't match mine, but I stuck around, hoping that given time we would work out. After a number of years I realised that this was how he was, and because I loved him could I let go of some of the things I wanted out of life in order to stay with him? The answer for me was 'no'. If you cannot find common ground with your man, your answer might be 'yes', you can let go of some of your dreams, and that's okay too, but you can't have it both ways and expect it all to work out in the long run.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Wait, he's 24. So, he isn't ready for marriage at 24, so what? That's a good thing considering most people don't mature enough to have what it takes for marriage until 30-ish. 

That's not to say that all younger people who get married fail at it, it's just that it's more difficult sometimes because you don't realize what it takes. 

OP by her own admission didn't realize that love isn't all you need.



> ... is that love isn't enough sometimes and if you're not on the same page is to decide to stay and wonder or let it go?


There are so many dynamics to marriage that I wouldn't even recommend anyone get married until they were done with college, had a job for a while, lived together for at least 2+years, try to share finances for at least that long, pay bills together, etc...and don't even add kids into that mix. 

Op, a piece of paper saying you're married isn't going to change much, except your tax return and how much you could gain/lose in a divorce. It won't change how he feels about you, I won't change the way he spends money, it won't change the fact that he may not pick his clothes up off the floor...etc. It's simply a piece of paper. 

If you are not ok waiting until 30, that is completely ok. You have every right under the sun to have the goals and aspirations that you do. But you can't force him to be ready, and if you pressure him into it when he isn't ready, it could end badly. 

So, if he isn't ready and you are, then it may be time to move on. You can find someone who has the same timeline you do.


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## mlim (Oct 5, 2014)

staarz21 said:


> Wait, he's 24 - let's cut this guy some slack here...just a little. So, he isn't ready for marriage at 24, so what? That's a good thing considering most people don't mature enough to have what it takes for marriage until 30-ish.
> 
> That's not to say that all younger people who get married fail at it, it's just that it's more difficult sometimes because you don't realize what it takes.
> 
> ...


I don't want to get married NOW, I said late 20's would be fine like 29 at the latest lol. I am more so wanting to move in together first and worried about that rather than talking about marriage. 

I just want to know if he sees me as the one he can settle down with.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I didn't have a time line for what age I had to be married by, just a time line for how long I would sit and wait for the person I was with to decide I was the one he wanted to marry. 

I get the feeling the OP isn't so much about being married by 'this' age, as about wanting to know for sure whether he is on the same page as her about how he feels before she wastes too much of her life waiting to see if he'll ever develop these feelings.

Some people know when they're 19/20/21 etc that the person they are with is the person they want to be with when they are 80. Sometimes you just know. Some people never find that person and they settle for someone they think they could probably live with, hopefully.

Some people might be happy with maybes. Maybe it'll work, maybe he'll love me forever, maybe he won't. Other people would rather live with definites. He definitely wants to be with me forever, or even, I would rather be single than be with a 'maybe' man.


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## mlim (Oct 5, 2014)

breeze said:


> I didn't have a time line for what age I had to be married by, just a time line for how long I would sit and wait for the person I was with to decide I was the one he wanted to marry.
> 
> I get the feeling the OP isn't so much about being married by 'this' age, as about wanting to know for sure whether he is on the same page as her about how he feels before she wastes too much of her life waiting to see if he'll ever develop these feelings.
> 
> ...



I've just been really happy how things have been going with us. It's been 3 years and I just feel like my love has intensified and we seem to get along better than ever. Like it just gets better... I just want to be sure and it would make me feel better just to know rather than assume. I know I have to talk to him about it... but I just wanted to talk to some strangers online first lol. It really helps and I appreciate it.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

mlim said:


> I don't want to get married NOW, I said late 20's would be fine like 29 at the latest lol. I am more so wanting to move in together first and worried about that rather than talking about marriage.
> 
> I just want to know if he sees me as the one he can settle down with.


Ah I see. Well, the only way to know that is to bring it up with him. Tell him your goals and what you would like out of the relationship. Ask him what his goals are and what he would like out of the relationship. Good luck with it!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> Right now I live with him and his sisters. Originally it was their family house but his mom got married and moved out, all his sisters moved out but moved back in due to relationship issues. So now it's me, him, his two sisters, and one of their boyfriends. After two years I feel like I'm sooo ready to get our own place. *But he pays for the mortgage while everyone else pays for utilities so it might affect them if he moves, although they would be able to easily afford it*.


Why is he paying for the entire mortgage, while the 3 other people in the house (4 other people, counting you) only pay for utilities? Especially if his sisters and sister's boyfriend can easily afford it?

I bring it up because his ACTIONS do not show you that he is planning for a move of any kind. His actions are showing that he plans to stay in that house (i.e., paying for the mortgage on his own). He will have a claim of ownership because he is paying for it. 

24 year old guys are not likely to want to dive into marriage, or to make promises that they will in the future when they know they don't want to dive now. He's telling you that he won't even consider it for a few more years. It's up to you if that's enough.


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## mlim (Oct 5, 2014)

norajane said:


> Why is he paying for the entire mortgage, while the 3 other people in the house (4 other people, counting you) only pay for utilities? Especially if his sisters and sister's boyfriend can easily afford it?
> 
> I bring it up because his ACTIONS do not show you that he is planning for a move of any kind. His actions are showing that he plans to stay in that house (i.e., paying for the mortgage on his own). He will have a claim of ownership because he is paying for it.
> 
> 24 year old guys are not likely to want to dive into marriage, or to make promises that they will in the future when they know they don't want to dive now. He's telling you that he won't even consider it for a few more years. It's up to you if that's enough.


I'm not sure why. I know the boyfriend that just moved in is now giving my boyfriend some money. I think the place was supposed to be his but they all moved back in and it's not even under his name. It was supposed to be changed to it but his mom never got to it for some reason.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

mlim said:


> I'm not sure why. I know the boyfriend that just moved in is now giving my boyfriend some money. I think the place was supposed to be his but they all moved back in and it's not even under his name. It was supposed to be changed to it but his mom never got to it for some reason.


If he's expecting the house to be his, he isn't moving anywhere.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Norajane is right...your bf has a claim to the house if he's paying the mortgage entirely. If he's expecting the house to be his, he ain't moving anytime soon. The sisters are the ones who will need to move.

At 3 years into your relationship, you should be able to discuss this with your boyfriend. Start off by asking how long he thinks the two of you will be living with his sisters. Then ask him what he wants and sees for the future of your relationship. Just listen to what he says, don't talk over him or try to change his mind, or hurry things along. JUST LISTEN. 

Then go away and process what he said, THAT'S when you make your decision. When you've got the info you need. Not based on assumptions. Either he'll be on the same page or he won't, but either way, you'll be armed with the info you need to make a decision about your future. Don't sit around waiting for someone else to decide it for you.


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## mlim (Oct 5, 2014)

norajane said:


> If he's expecting the house to be his, he isn't moving anywhere.


He's in denial lol. He thinks they will move out but I don't see that happening any time soon at all. Bright side he did mention he would like to be able to afford a house to move into and said he doesn't want to live with his sisters all his life... phew. So there's that. 

I think he may be stuck paying for the house and leaving his sisters with more to pay for. I think they'll resent me if we move? I would hate for him to be struggling even more having to pay for two different rents. I also would hate for him to be paying for it all these years only to have to "let go" of that responsibility and not have it go to his name.

People on other forums to said stay out of it because it's his family issue not mine... but I feel like if we are serious I have a say.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

mlim said:


> He's in denial lol. He thinks they will move out but I don't see that happening any time soon at all. Bright side he did mention he would like to be able to afford a house to move into and said he doesn't want to live with his sisters all his life... phew. So there's that.
> 
> I think he may be stuck paying for the house and leaving his sisters with more to pay for. I think they'll resent me if we move? I would hate for him to be struggling even more having to pay for two different rents. I also would hate for him to be paying for it all these years only to have to "let go" of that responsibility and not have it go to his name.
> 
> People on other forums to said stay out of it because it's his family issue not mine... but I feel like if we are serious I have a say.


What I see here is a guy who has no real plan.

He's paying for the mortgage, but his name is not on the title. His mom said she'd add him to the title, but hasn't gotten around to it. Your bf isn't doing anything about the title, but is continuing to pay the mortgage with little to no contribution from his sisters. He's hoping they move out so he is left in the house, but is also thinking he'd like to move somewhere, maybe, but has no plan for it.

All I'm saying is a guy who is that plan-less isn't planning for marriage any time soon, nor is he thinking much about it.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

He isn't stuck paying for that house. Legally, he doesn't have to. His name was never put on the mortgage. He can move and purchase or rent elsewhere. 

He is choosing to. Like norajane said, it doesn't seem like he's really planning for anything, let alone marriage.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

The way they are doing it is ridiculous. Everyone should just be paying rent to the mother and she should be paying the mortgage. It's her house, her mortgage. 

They should all just be splitting the bills, like flatmates. Then, when someone moves out, they can get someone else in to live in that room and pay the same rent and split the bills.

No pressure, no guilt trips if someone wants to move on. I have no idea what his mother was thinking, but there's no way I'd just dump my debts onto my kids like that. Expect them to pay their way, sure, but getting them to directly pay my mortgage? What a sham.


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## mlim (Oct 5, 2014)

I can't disagree with you there. lol

I think we all get along great and I do like their company but I do find them really odd sometimes.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

mlim said:


> Thanks everyone. I just want to be married before I'm 30. Like by the time I'm 29 or something...I just want to know if he wants to one day and if it's not when I'm like 33 or something.
> 
> Thanks all.


Why before 30 yo? What will happen if you not? And do you want to get married just for the sake of it, or do you want to get married to the right person?

You are 24, probably still thinking that 30 is just so old. You cannot be more wrong. it seems like most of us here are way past 30 and we are very much alive and still fighting for our futures.


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## mlim (Oct 5, 2014)

Hey, everyone. We had our "date" night last night with no one else. No friends or family, just is and it was a great evening. We tried out a new restaurant having fun and beer tasting. Things were going so well I thought, "Welp, it's now or never..." And I got to talk to him about marriage.

He seemed confused at first like wow where is this all coming from lol and started joking around with me asking if I was proposing. I told him to be serious and said that I just needed to know if he can see himself marrying me one day. He said yes and asked me if I could see the same. I said "Well..yeah why would I waste my time here if I couldn't?" I asked him his range of what would be good to marry.

He said 27-32 and I'm assuming that's his age, not mine since he's 1 year younger than me. He's 24 right now. 

I said 27-30...preferably before 30.

So I'm glad I finally got this out of the way. I don't like the idea of getting married at 31 or 32 but I'm glad his range of marriage is 27-29 still. 

I feel like this discussion needs to be revisited again sometime in the future. I told him I prefer before 30 but I don't think I made it known clearly that I hate the idea of being over 30 and married.

What do you guys think?

I also forgot to talk about kids lol. I mean we did discuss before 1-3 kids. Maybe by the time I'm 30 at the latest to begin and 35 but we said issues this 2 years ago.

Just glad this is out the way!!


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

mlim said:


> I don't like the idea of getting married at 31 or 32 !!



Why?


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## mlim (Oct 5, 2014)

spinsterdurga said:


> Why?


I think if I had to wait at that age, HAD TO then I would but it's not ideal. I guess because to me, it means to begin having a family within the next year or two...and I just feel like I don't want to start that old. I know it's not too old for most of you, no offense to anyone... I just would prefer to have them as young as I could when ready and finish before I'm 35. Plus, it's kind of weird to think but my parents aren't getting any younger, it would be nice for them to be around for grandkids to get to know their grandparents and remember them. 

It's just kind of crazy to think of how fast life is approaching me I feel like.


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

mlim said:


> I think if I had to wait at that age, HAD TO then I would but it's not ideal. I guess because to me, it means to begin having a family within the next year or two...and I just feel like I don't want to start that old. I know it's not too old for most of you, no offense to anyone... I just would prefer to have them as young as I could when ready and finish before I'm 35. Plus, it's kind of weird to think but my parents aren't getting any younger, it would be nice for them to be around for grandkids to get to know their grandparents and remember them.
> 
> It's just kind of crazy to think of how fast life is approaching me I feel like.


I think lots of girls ages 24-28 feel like this, the baby clock starts ticking. The problem is if you make the "baby daddy" choice based on the clock then really bad decisions are made. 

This is even worse when you are 28 & looking, I think a lot of women settle a lot for "the one they are with". Maybe this happens with men too but I've never seen a man desperately looking to get married before age 30 

No real advice I guess, just try to not let the pressure or ticking clock get to you too much. Don't push your bf into a commitment because you can't imagine life as an unmarried 31 yr old - and btw that is still 5 years away! chill out!

(spoken as a woman who got married at 30, babies done by 35, divorced at 38).


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## mlim (Oct 5, 2014)

greenfern said:


> I think lots of girls ages 24-28 feel like this, the baby clock starts ticking. The problem is if you make the "baby daddy" choice based on the clock then really bad decisions are made.
> 
> This is even worse when you are 28 & looking, I think a lot of women settle a lot for "the one they are with". Maybe this happens with men too but I've never seen a man desperately looking to get married before age 30
> 
> ...


Haha yeah...I know what you mean. I don't want to force him to do anything he doesn't want to do and he knows this. Of course, it would be unfair of us to continue a relationship if we both aren't on the same page of things... but I would also hate to bring a kid in the world if I feel I'm not financially ready. I still have a while, I just worry too much about the future. Doesn't help when everyone around you is already married with a family and here I am trying to get my career started and wanting to travel the world, get it all out of my system before anything.
P.S. I wouldn't choose just anyone I want to spend my life with. I think he'd be a great dad, it's a huge plus seeing how he interacts with kids/my nephew. Oh and of course I love him and wouldn't want anyone else but him haha.


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

mlim said:


> Haha yeah...I know what you mean. I don't want to force him to do anything he doesn't want to do and he knows this.


Actually I wanted you to evaluate whether you really wanted this guy or he just seems like the most likely candidate at this time...but then you said



mlim said:


> P.S. I wouldn't choose just anyone I want to spend my life with. I think he'd be a great dad, it's a huge plus seeing how he interacts with kids/my nephew. Oh and of course I love him and wouldn't want anyone else but him haha.


So that is great! Try also to imagine your lives at different ages, 35, 40, 45, 50, after the kids are older. And what if you didn't have kids for some reason, would you still want to marry? 

My x was a great dad but we just didn't have the chemistry and eventually I needed more. I think its maybe a good sign you started dating earlier, sometimes I think people choose for love at some ages of their lives (teens, early 20s, post-divorce lol). There is this special age for women between 27-30 where they get all messed up and its like musical chairs to find a husband.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I don't get these relationships where people date 7, 8, 10 years before getting married.

Not a slam against anyone who has done this, I just think when you're with the right partner, you KNOW it, and you move forward. Having said that, I also realize there are people who rush into marriage without really getting to know their partner, often ending in divorce. Somewhere in the middle, there is a fine line.

If having children at a relatively young age is important to you, I would re-think hanging around for 6 or 7 more years waiting for him to "come around."


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## mlim (Oct 5, 2014)

greenfern said:


> Actually I wanted you to evaluate whether you really wanted this guy or he just seems like the most likely candidate at this time...but then you said
> 
> 
> 
> ...


No kids are probably a deal breaker for me. Luckily I know he wants a family one day and I did ask him randomly one day if either of us can't have kids. LOL This was much easier to talk about than marriage for some reason. He doesn't see the point in worrying about the future or why I think about this stuff but just goes along with my talks b/c it's important to me.

We would adopt if we had to or if we could afford it surrogacy, implant fro donor, something. As long as we'd have a little one.


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## mlim (Oct 5, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> I don't get these relationships where people date 7, 8, 10 years before getting married.
> 
> Not a slam against anyone who has done this, I just think when you're with the right partner, you KNOW it, and you move forward. Having said that, I also realize there are people who rush into marriage without really getting to know their partner, often ending in divorce. Somewhere in the middle, there is a fine line.
> 
> If having children at a relatively young age is important to you, I would re-think hanging around for 6 or 7 more years waiting for him to "come around."


If I had to choose an age to have a kid I would choose 29 or 30.


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