# Has my indecisive Wife chosen for me?



## StopBeingAHero (Mar 26, 2018)

I've been lurking this forum and the infidelity forum for awhile and finally decided to post.

My wife and I got married at the end of October last year. At the start of January she expressed that she thought she was not in love with me and had an interest in someone else but denied having an affair. Mid January I discovered that she was lying and that she was sleeping with a coworker and had been since not long after the wedding. I kicked her out and took all her stuff to her parent’s house. She came back the next day and begged to be taken back. The very next day I found her at a restaurant with the other man again. I got even angrier and she said she was meeting with him a last time to be sure. She then broke off all social communication with him, but said she couldn’t do no contact because they work on a small team together.

We spent the next month trying to work through our problems. I quickly discovered that our problem-free five years together were because we were both avoiding conflict. I took her passive and indecisive nature to mean she wanted me to take care of planning for the future. She even told our officiant that that was one of the things she appreciated most about me. But in talking about it it sounds like she grew to resent me controlling her future, and the 6 months of wedding planning really exacerbated those fears as she said I made it all about me and our guests instead of about us. I thought we were agreeing on things during planning but it sounds like she just chose to avoid what she thought was arguing. We also had a poor sex life due to misunderstandings of our wants and desires, again due to poor communication. She said she wasn’t aware of how dissatisfied she was until this other person, with a fresh, fun, and nonjudgemental attitude reminded her of what she thought she wanted in life.

I sought Therapy and started to recognize all of the controlling, negative, and fear based life attitudes I was living, and began to understand why she was dissatisfied. I was quick to find reasons not to do things and rejected fun things for more sensible options. I don’t like those things about myself and I’ve been working to change. We don't have any kids or shared property and could end our relationship at any time, but I agreed with my therapist’s advice that by trying to work it out and understand, I was likely to learn much more about myself and relationships and grow into a better person. I agree with that so far. It's been one of those come to jesus moments where my priorities have realigned, and I cant believe I was letting things like bad concert seats, the colors of plates on our wishlist, and spending money on stupid collectibles distract me from listening to and appreciating the woman I loved.

However she is resistant to therapy. She is uncomfortable talking to people about her problems, and doesn’t want to talk to strangers about it. But she’s also not talking to friends or family. I urged seeking help, but she says it's her right as an introverted person to try to handle this on her own. She is stressed by my desire for “heavy” talks and feels cornered by them. We agreed to a month apart with radio silence so she could try to figure out what she actually wanted, what her priorities are, and who she feels she is. She later came back and said she felt I threw her to the wolves when she needed me most. She clarified that doesn’t think it's true and understands she also wanted this time apart, but she can’t help that feeling. She seems just as confused and unsure of what she wants in life as before the break.

She said she loves me, is impressed by my emotional growth, and feels staying with me is the healthy, responsible life path. But to do that means quitting her job, since she doesn’t think she can still work around him. I’d be okay with switching teams at work so that they aren’t teammates, but she seems to feel thats not enough. She doesn’t have the self-confidence to find a similar job because she was promoted from within and never properly trained in the essentials of the job title. So it feels like ending a career and starting over. She also has unresolved anger toward me that she can’t justify but still feels. She thinks she is a trainwreck and her wants and priorities change by the hour.

At the same time she also can’t commit to removing the other man from her life. She says she thinks he is a fake, temporary love, and that pursuing him is a destructive path. She’s likely to lose the respect of her family, our shared friends, and there are possible work consequences. But she doesn’t know how to stop having feelings for someone.

I’m still here because I want to give this a fair shot. Our communication is improving and I feel we understand each other far better than ever before. I’m still learning what went wrong in this relationship and can see the benefit in this or other future relationships.

I fear though that I’m also still here for common fear reasons, fear of being alone, fear of dating again, fear of feeling like a failure for having such a short marriage. How do I separate love from fear?

I’m here because I’m trying to figure out what I should explore in this relationship before ending it. I fear making a divorce decision when we are both unsure and don’t want to be divorced, but I don’t know how long I can live in Limbo while she struggles with herself, resists help, and can’t commit to me. It seems like she just wants to avoid talking and dealing with the things clearly bothering her and instead wants to have fun with me to remember we can, but it tears me apart to not talk about all these core issues we have that are causing us both such stress. It feels like I'm the only one actively trying to work on our problems, but am I just not listening to her needs again?

Do I wait until I know? Will it become obvious? Divorcing while there’s still a chance something can be done seems like a mistake.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Divorce her.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Take a step back and see the full view for what it is...


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Divorce her.


I second that


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

GET OUT NOW! These should be your halcyon days of a M. Honeymoon stage, etc.

If it already seems like work after, ?, a few months..... God help you when it hits a few years.

Can the M be annulled? Go back to just dating her, after the M is over.

Seek IC for each.... maybe there is a future together.... way down the road. Just not now....

Edit.... missed the cheating part. D her dude..... kick her sorry ass to the curb with the trash.

Thanks Absurdist


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

OP you found problems within yourself and did what reasonable people do... sought help and counseling and were willing to change yourself.

Your wife found problems within herself and tried to solve them by having sex with another guy (who she still works with and sees every day). 

You are young and just starting out in life. Your wife has deep problems which are hers to solve. You cannot "fix her". Why do you want to stay in marriage where your wife was cheating from the very beginning? If you were 20 years into the marriage with kids, assets and life responsibilities, my answer might be different but since you are so young with a marriage a little more than a year, get out and save yourself from years of pain and frustration.

A third vote for divorce.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I agree with those who say to "get out while the getting's good!"

You are simply her Plan B, all while she is continually seeking out her Plan A!*


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Divorce her and marry her again after her current lover dumps her flaky ass.

I sure she will learn her lesson and be a good faithful wife. 

Sorry, I’m in a sarcastic mood..

I’ll vote for divorcing her. She didn’t make it a year before cheating? Geez


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

StopBeingAHero said:


> I've been lurking this forum and the infidelity forum for awhile and finally decided to post.
> 
> My wife and I got married at the end of October last year. At the start of January she expressed that she thought she was not in love with me and had an interest in someone else but denied having an affair. Mid January I discovered that she was lying and that she was sleeping with a coworker and had been since not long after the wedding. I kicked her out and took all her stuff to her parent’s house. She came back the next day and begged to be taken back. The very next day I found her at a restaurant with the other man again. I got even angrier and she said she was meeting with him a last time to be sure. She then broke off all social communication with him, but said she couldn’t do no contact because they work on a small team together.
> 
> ...


1) She started sleeping with him before the wedding, She is lying when she tell you otherwise. She is a cheater, all cheaters lye. A decent, honest person would have called off the wedding. She is neither. Divorce her.
2) You confront her, she begs to move back in and 24 hours later she is with him. She values him over you. Divorce her. 
3) The wedding planning was complicated and your sex life was down because she didn't want to cheat on her boyfriend. But of course, she blames you. Blame-shifting, common cheater tactic. Divorce her.
4) No kids, no property, cheaper. Divorce her.
5) Of course everything you did got on her nerves because she was cheating on her secret boyfriend by being with you. 
6) "No heavy talks" means she gets to string you along until she is pregnant with his baby which she will then convince you to raise as your own. This will continue until baby is 18 then she divorces you with a "I need to find myself, you are sooo controlling speech" after you discover her 19th affair. Divorce her.

OM, get my drift? I am not going to bother with the rest of the obvious points in your thread why you need this toxic person out of your life.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> Divorce her and marry her again after her current lover dumps her flaky ass.
> 
> I sure she will learn her lesson and be a good faithful wife.
> 
> ...


She didn't make it one second. She is in negative numbers.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She wants a husband and a boyfriend. Since you're not okay with that, divorce her.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Divorce her. Or always be getting sloppy seconds!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You have barely been married and already she has cheated on you. How do you think she will act the next time you hit a bad patch? Or the time after? Or the time after that? 
This isn't about you and how you did or didn't act. Its about her lack of integrity and moral values, her ability to lie to you and deceive so easily. She lied about ending it with him as well and still went onto to meet him again. She also refuses to commit to removing him from her life!!!!!

Its good you found out now what she is like before you have children. You have the time to meet a faithful, truthful, committed lady.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

So. Much. Fear.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

I'm going to edit your text because some of what you wrote wasn't clear.



StopBeingAHeroRewritten said:


> I've been lurking this forum and the infidelity forum for awhile and finally decided to post.
> 
> I married a woman that told me she wanted to dump me a few months after the wedding. She lied to me about not being a cheater. Then I discovered that she really was a cheater (and a liar). I did the only sensible thing I've done in years and kicked her out. She didn't like that, so she begged me to take her back and I'm so thankful to have her that I did what she asked. Knowing for sure that I was a doormat, she kept cheating on me. I asked her not to, so she gave me an excuse for why she needs to keep seeing him.
> 
> ...


My advice - Get her affair out in the open. Make sure that her family, her coworkers, her friends, and all the people whose respect she craves knows who she really is. Then ask her if she wants to really reconcile. If she does, she'll make the sacrifices that are obvious - breaking up with her boyfriend, changing jobs, starting over. Of course, she won't do any of that. So just cut to the chase, cut your losses, move on, and find someone worthy of you.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Barely married and ****ing a co-worker? You should’ve never taken her back. Your first instinct was correct and you never should’ve second-guessed yourself.

Correct that mistake — tell her to GTFO.


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## StopBeingAHero (Mar 26, 2018)

I appreciate the clarity and brutal truth provided here. I've felt like the answer was obvious, but I feared regretting my decision and wanted to be certain.

I submitted the divorce petition last month. In Texas you have to wait 60 days to complete the divorce. I was going to wait to make the final decision then but its clear that there's not much reason to.

I appreciate the advice.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Good now don't back down


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

StopBeingAHero said:


> I appreciate the clarity and brutal truth provided here. I've felt like the answer was obvious, but I feared regretting my decision and wanted to be certain.
> 
> I submitted the divorce petition last month. In Texas you have to wait 60 days to complete the divorce. I was going to wait to make the final decision then but its clear that there's not much reason to.
> 
> I appreciate the advice.


It’s much longer in other states.

God bless Texas!


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

StopBeingAHero said:


> I appreciate the clarity and brutal truth provided here. I've felt like the answer was obvious, but I feared regretting my decision and wanted to be certain.
> 
> I submitted the divorce petition last month. In Texas you have to wait 60 days to complete the divorce. I was going to wait to make the final decision then but its clear that there's not much reason to.
> 
> I appreciate the advice.


Stick around a bit on TAM. You are nowhere near out of the woods yet concerning getting her out if your life and getting your self esteem back. 

There are more points in your thread that should be highlighted that I hope others point out that are glaringly obvious to emotionally detached outsiders. You have been snookered!


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Yes, you were controlling, bit she is a cheater. She could have responded to your controlling behavior in a zillion ways, but cheating is not one of them.

She is a cheater, plain and simple. If you remain with her she will cheat again, and make up more reasons why it is your fault.

Divorce her.

Continue to work on yourself, so you will be a better mate for the next woman you choose to be with. Use your therapy to fix your picker too.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

FalCod said:


> I'm going to edit your text because some of what you wrote wasn't clear.
> 
> 
> 
> My advice - Get her affair out in the open. Make sure that her family, her coworkers, her friends, and all the people whose respect she craves knows who she really is. Then ask her if she wants to really reconcile. If she does, she'll make the sacrifices that are obvious - breaking up with her boyfriend, changing jobs, starting over. Of course, she won't do any of that. So just cut to the chase, cut your losses, move on, and find someone worthy of you.


I was going to run your post through the BS Translator myself but FalCod did a truly remarkable job of translating all her BS. 

Please read it again and again because this translation is spot on.


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## jferg0212 (Mar 18, 2018)

I’m not sure what your religious or spiritual practices are but if you was married in the eyes of the LORD pray and work through it. The lord don’t believe in divorce. However, if you do decide to work through it don’t punish her again for what you guys already worked through. Make sure you are strong enough to forgive and forget. If you are not then divorce may be the best thing for both of you. It is draining to go through something like this. Sorry that you’re going through this. 


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

jferg0212 said:


> I’m not sure what your religious or spiritual practices are but if you was married in the eyes of the LORD pray and work through it. The lord don’t believe in divorce. However, if you do decide to work through it don’t punish her again for what you guys already worked through. Make sure you are strong enough to forgive and forget. If you are not then divorce may be the best thing for both of you. It is draining to go through something like this. Sorry that you’re going through this.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


TheLord certainly does specifically release a person from their vows in the case of adultery, which OP’s wife clearly committed.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> She didn't make it one second. She is in negative numbers.


Indeed. I reread and totally agree.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Please read FalCod's translation again. 

Even though the translation is spot on, I am going to point out a few other things in bold below. 






StopBeingAHero said:


> I kicked her out and took all her stuff to her parent’s house. She came back the next day and begged to be taken back. The very next day I found her at a restaurant with the other man again. I got even angrier and she said she was meeting with him a last time to be sure.
> 
> *More like she wanted to be sure his Johnson really did hit that special spot the way she really liked. *
> 
> ...


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I'm glad you're divorcing this woman, but I am stunned that she and her therapist actually convinced you that your "controlling" behavior was the cause of her cheating. It wasn't. She appreciated your "controlling" behavior ....right up until she got caught screwing someone else. That alone should tell you that it wasn't you. It was all her. Really.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

StopBeingAHero said:


> My wife and I got married at the end of October last year. At the start of January she expressed that she thought she was not in love with me and had an interest in someone else but denied having an affair. Mid January I discovered that she was lying and that she was sleeping with a coworker and had been since not long after the wedding. I kicked her out and took all her stuff to her parent’s house. She came back the next day and begged to be taken back.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 @Uptown


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> I'm glad you're divorcing this woman, but I am stunned that she and her therapist actually convinced you that your "controlling" behavior was the cause of her cheating. It wasn't. She appreciated your "controlling" behavior ....right up until she got caught screwing someone else. That alone should tell you that it wasn't you. It was all her. Really.


Yes, he needs to get away from that therapist ASAP or he actually will need therapy. 

The thing that has me wondering if she has some kind of personality disorder is that a narcissist or a BPDer will make you feel like YOU are the one that is crazy and out of line. 

Many garden variety cheaters can do the same as well but a BPDer will have their spouse on the shrink's couch while they are out having the time of their life.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

oldshirt said:


> The thing that has me wondering if she has some kind of personality disorder is that a narcissist or a BPDer will make you feel like YOU are the one that is crazy and out of line.


Oldshirt, thanks for the shout-out. I agree that anything is possible. I also agree that Hero is describing behavior -- for the past 3 months since January -- that exhibits some warning signs for narcissism and BPD. On the other hand, it is common even for healthy people to exhibit strong flareups of their NPD and BPD traits for several months, or even for a year or two.

In contrast, a woman having a lifetime problem with NPD or BPD typically becomes emotionally stunted in early childhood and starts exhibiting strong, persistent symptoms by the early teens. Significantly, Hero is not describing that situation. On the contrary, he states that he and his W enjoyed a _"problem-free five years together"_ prior to their marriage.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

StopBeingAHero said:


> I appreciate the clarity and brutal truth provided here. I've felt like the answer was obvious, but I feared regretting my decision and wanted to be certain.
> 
> I submitted the divorce petition last month. In Texas you have to wait 60 days to complete the divorce. I was going to wait to make the final decision then but its clear that there's not much reason to.
> 
> I appreciate the advice.


Dumb question.

Since she's been cheating before and after marriage, thus never truly married, can you petition to get your marriage annulled?


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

"meeting with him a last time to be sure.". Obviously no comittment to the marriage or her marriage vows. Not sure if I should drop my boyfriend or not from a married woman? Unbelievable.


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## IHS (Mar 22, 2018)

You have been a witting cuckold since day one. Why do you keep it up?


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Are you divorced yet?

Take a sick day from work and file
and get out of the sick relationship!!!


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Leave before you live to regret not leaving. It is important to understand that given what was written in your opening post, she is a horrible candidate for reconciliation as she has no mechanisms for introspection, add to that some fairly bizarre statements and behavior, and you have a dog's breakfast as a psyche. It is not a question of if she will do it again, but when. 

Divorce her, and ghost her. Given what you have written, I predict a meltdown of epic proportions. The behavior and history will go out the window, as you will become the ****ing bas+ard that dumped her pure virginal ass.


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## Muniesa (Nov 12, 2017)

Whatever you do, don't do the "pick me" thing. I did that out of fear of losing her and my kid and lost even that little respect she had left for me. 



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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Divorcing a cheating wife is never a mistake. Be thankful she showed you who she is so soon, you didn't have to waste any more time or invest any more into this person. Don't worry, your fears are normal. But fact is there are **** ton of women looking for a good man, its not hard. Get your confidence up and you will find someone worth your time. This one is not! I've never met anyone that regretted divorcing, I met a lot that regret the hell out of staying.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

StopBeingAHero said:


> I appreciate the clarity and brutal truth provided here. I've felt like the answer was obvious, but I feared regretting my decision and wanted to be certain.
> 
> I submitted the divorce petition last month. In Texas you have to wait 60 days to complete the divorce. I was going to wait to make the final decision then but its clear that there's not much reason to.
> 
> I appreciate the advice.


You will find someone that with be faithful one day. In the meantime hit the gym and find a IC to help you through this. It’s going to hurt like hell.


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> I'm glad you're divorcing this woman, but I am stunned that she and her therapist actually convinced you that your "controlling" behavior was the cause of her cheating. It wasn't. She appreciated your "controlling" behavior ....right up until she got caught screwing someone else. That alone should tell you that it wasn't you. It was all her. Really.


I agree 100% with this as well, everything seems okay until well she's busted with someone else's Johnson in her.. all of a sudden the OP is controlling!


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