# Does the OM need to know



## lbh (Mar 25, 2012)

I am strugging with myself about whats right to do. My husband of 13 years has had multiple EA. This last one started in Oct, she was married. He refused to stop communicating with her and I moved out in Jan. Continued to stand his ground that they are friends. Recently admited that he is involved with her and she left her husband in December. I don't think he has a clue. We were social a few times together. I've thought of telling him. Smart or not?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Yes, yes, yes. Please tell him,otherwise you are actually helping their affair and would you do that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lbh (Mar 25, 2012)

I portion of me feels like his wife left him for reasons that are not known to me. I am quite sure it has something to do with my spouse. But not positive. I just don't think he knows the amount that they were involved.. I knew because this had been my husbands 4th EA and I had enough. Of course got the whole we're just friends, and nothings happened till you moved out. Whatever. 
I just think he should know that there were more problems in his marriage then he knew. And if he does know maybe Im just making a fool of myself. 
I still have to share a child with this man, and this would piss him off to no degree. Things are somewhat ok, he changes with the wind..


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## par4 (Mar 8, 2012)

There is no reason to tell him. That would be slinging mud. Keep it between you and your husband, you have know loyalty to the OM
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

par4 said:


> There is no reason to tell him. That would be slinging mud. Keep it between you and your husband, you have know loyalty to the OM
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Really, they share a very common enemy, the affair.

Yes it will piss of your husband, but doesn't his cheating piss you off more?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yep. Tell her husband.


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## lbh (Mar 25, 2012)

They had their marriage annulled recently. I know this because his dumb A$$ asked if that was a route we could take. I said no dumb A$$ tell your "friend" we have 2 homes, a child and 13 years together, not married 5 months. 

I hestitate also because we have not filed for financial reasons, I lost my job 2 weeks after I moved out. Great right.. And he is helping me financially until I am employed again.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

lbh said:


> I portion of me feels like his wife left him for reasons that are not known to me. I am quite sure it has something to do with my spouse. But not positive. I just don't think he knows the amount that they were involved.. I knew because this had been my husbands 4th EA and I had enough. Of course got the whole we're just friends, and nothings happened till you moved out. Whatever.


You should tell him. His wife has probably gas-lighted him about their marriage. It would be a tragedy if his wife convinced him that it was his fault she left him. He may also be hurt thinking that his wife got fed up with him being inconsiderate, moved out, and then immediately started a relationship with the first man she came across. It may comfort him knowing that she was involved with your husband well before she formally left the marriage.



lbh said:


> I just think he should know that there were more problems in his marriage then he knew. And if he does know maybe Im just making a fool of myself.


Nonsense. If he already knows, then there's no harm in telling him. Reverse the situation. If you didn't know, wouldn't you want him to tell you?



lbh said:


> I still have to share a child with this man, and this would piss him off to no degree.


Well, by all means, you should worry about him. Maybe he would appreciate it if you baked cookies for him and his girlfriend. You wouldn't want him angry at you, after all.

Seriously, screw that guy. I wouldn't advise trying to make his life miserable. Don't call his house and hang up at 4AM. But, telling his girlfriend's husband the truth about their relationship is the minimum your stbx should expect from you. If he gives you any lip about it, just raise your request for child support.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

par4 said:


> There is no reason to tell him. That would be slinging mud. Keep it between you and your husband, you have know loyalty to the OM
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If the OM was walking blindly towards a cliff, should the OP tell him, or mind her own business? Does one human being owe others the basic loyalty of a minimum level of courtesy? Or should we all throw each other to the wolves?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Tell the OM. You have a moral obligation to do so. You have an obligation to the truth. This has nothing to do with reciprocity or "owing" anyone anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> \Reverse the situation. If you didn't know, wouldn't you want him to tell you?
> 
> But, telling his girlfriend's husband the truth about their relationship is the minimum your stbx should expect from you. If he gives you any lip about it, just raise your request for child support.


+1000 These two things.


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## par4 (Mar 8, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Yep. Tell her husband.


and what does that accomplish? Just hurting more people
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

par4 said:


> and what does that accomplish? Just hurting more people
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He has already been hurt. She's just going to tell him the truth so he will know why. Most likely he is running around wounded what is going on with his separated wife. Now he will know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

par4 said:


> and what does that accomplish? Just hurting more people
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The truth hurts. That's why its called the truth. 

Or, according to you, she could allow this poor guy to go the rest of his life second guessing himself and wondering what went wrong and what he did to deserve such bad treatment.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

par4 said:


> and what does that accomplish? Just hurting more people
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Or if they follow your advice it will more than likely just delay the hurt, because in a lot of cases this stuff comes out anyway. So deal with it now or later.

I say expose.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Nothing kills the fantasy of affairs like exposure I say let the light shine
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## karlabean (Mar 14, 2012)

They were married 5 months and finalized the annulment? Sounds like she thought the marriage was a fantasy and needed out. I wouldn't tell her (now) ex-husband. Sounds like she made a mistake and decided not to pursue anything with your H without the annulment. 

YOUR H on the other hand... that's a whole different issue. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds like he wants a divorce. I'm not saying you should make it easy for him, but having him end up simply resenting you (by telling the OM) doesn't seem like it would do any good for your kid.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

par4 said:


> and what does that accomplish? Just hurting more people
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's a good point. Using the same reasoning, I think doctors shouldn't tell terminal patients that they're sick. It will only make them sad.

Courageous Man Refuses To Believe He Has Cancer | The Onion - America's Finest News Source | Onion News Network


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

lbh said:


> They had their marriage annulled recently. I know this because his dumb A$$ asked if that was a route we could take. I said no dumb A$$ tell your "friend" we have 2 homes, a child and 13 years together, not married 5 months.
> 
> I hestitate also because we have not filed for financial reasons, I lost my job 2 weeks after I moved out. Great right.. And he is helping me financially until I am employed again.


If it comes from the mouth of a cheater it is probably a lie, just because he brought up "annulment" does not confirm that this really is the case, it honestly sounds like the kind of foggy talk that a married AP would say to justify her behavior in her mind.

My ex W still won't even acknowledge that her affair really was "adultery" (because she told me she wanted to divorce the week before it apparently went physical - the affair I know of anyway)

Look at the commenter Ing - he recently found out that his email to the OMW (other man's wife) was intercepted by the OM who tricked him into believing that the OMW was ok with her H's cheating, that they had an open marriage agreement - turns out that is not the case and the OMW knew nothing about this and almost had a breakdown when she finally learned the truth.

As a betrayed spouse, I so wish one of the people who knew of my W's affairs would have told me, dropped me an anonymous tip, ANYTHING to help me understand why I was losing her, and why I was so stunned, disoriented confused and in anguish.

I implore you to please find the OWH's contact info and tell her directly that your H and his W are in an affair, that you have detailed info and can discuss it to compare notes or anything else you need to know. Also going public with this info to your H's friends and family will out the affair and likely bust it up, something you are well within your rights to do. Good luck.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Here's a question: did you need to know?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

par4 said:


> and what does that accomplish?


 It lets him know not to buy into her blame shifting as to why the marriage did not work. This information will help him not be gaslighted by her and could prove useful to him in moving forward with his life.


par4 said:


> Just hurting more people


 He was already hurt by the affair, he just did not know it.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Why did you move out? This may not have been the right move. They now have more time to hook up and if it was an EA it could be fast tracked to a PA.


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