# I just asked him to leave tonight, and I'm gutted to the core



## callmedaisy (Jun 26, 2012)

Last week I found out that my husband of nearly 7 years (9 years together) cheated on me with a coworker. He thinks he loves her. He thinks she loves him.

He went away for a few days to "get his head on straight." 

When he came back I asked him if we was in a place where he could commit to rebuilding our marriage. He said he was sorry that he couldn't say he was there yet. 

I asked him if he was in a place where he could put an end to his affair. He said he didn't know.

So I asked him to leave. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I am hollow, raw, and in unbelievable pain.

I love this man so much. I don't know how we got here. I don't know where we go from here. I said I was sorry to do this before a holiday. He said he was sorry this is happening at all.

I'm just so very sad.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

You did the right thing.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Daisy,
I'm so sorry for what your husband has done to your marriage & the pain you're going through right now.
As hard as it was, you did the right thing for you, if only to take control of an insane situation.
Please call a friend or family member, reach out to those closest to you, you shouldn't be alone right now.
Wishing you much peace at this time.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

callmedaisy said:


> Last week I found out that my husband of nearly 7 years (9 years together) cheated on me with a coworker. He thinks he loves her. He thinks she loves him.
> 
> He went away for a few days to "get his head on straight."
> 
> ...


I hear ya. I'm so sorry. If it's any consolation at all, you did the right thing. Nobody should have to live with a cheating spouse. You will be fine. Really.

Maybe the time apart will wake him up or snap him out of his fog. Only time will tell. All I can tell you is to stand firm. Obviously he can't have both of you. Obviously he is the one responsible for the breakup of your marriage. It's on him whether you get a D or R. So take this time to be good to yourself. Enjoy the quiet. Watch your favorite movies. Cook your favorite food. Read. Relax. 

And read some of the threads in this forum as to what others have experienced and learned. You are not alone.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I'm sorry it had to come to that for you. You made the right first step by asking him to leave.

If you are reading this site you are learning that he is in an affair fog right now, it is just fantasy, sometimes it goes on for long time and sometimes there are things you can do to break through the fog. This site has many suggestions, the best (especially when they are unrepentant and choosing the AP over their own spouse) is the 180, where you kick him out, go dark and cut him off from any benefits he was getting being married to you, not begging or pleading for him back but adamantly showing him you are the stronger spouse (it is partially a show, but it is a fact that you are the one with more integrity because no matter how miserable each of you may or may not have been in the marriage you stood by your committment). The other tips you will hear is to gather as much irrefutable evidence as you can and expose this to every adult who your marriage and his sex life makes any kind of difference to, such as his and your friends, family, coworkers... this doesn't always kill the fantasy but it atleast gets the truth out so you are not made to look like the bad one (which he inevitable will paint you as because that is how cheaters cope with their own poor behavior).

You are going to be in limbo where you want what you can't have... as long as he is not remorseful there is nothing you can do to make him come back... the other point of 180 is to gather your own strength. When you are ready to get out of limbo, and if he is still not remorseful you will decide that he is no longer worthy of your love and affection and that you are better than being the consolation prize - make sure that if his affair goes bad and ends and he comes chasing after you again to not buy his antics, and not trust him, do not rugsweep the issue he has forever damaged your trust in him, and it will never come back like it was. It is your right to withold the option of reconciliation when you realize he is not going to do the heavy lifting to restore your trust.

OTOH, sometimes when they come out of the fog they genuinely are remorseful for what they threw away, and the pain they inflicted... and there are success stories of R, but I would advise to not hold out false hope because there are no guarantees and often what looks like R is just burying the past under the rug - which leads to bigger problems and more cheating in the future.

Good luck on your painful path, there are lots of people going through similar issues on this site so you are in good company here.


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## husbandfool (May 20, 2012)

You did the right thing. It was his choice.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Talk to a lawyer. Yesterday. Find out where you stands.
Find out if OW as BFF or SO. Expose her. He has to know.
Implement the 180, go dark on him. Don't beg, don't call him. Don't respond as soon as he texts/calls. Start detaching, take car of yourself. Go out.
The 180 degree rules

I'm sorry it's happening to you.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

cantthinkstraight said:


> You did the right thing.


You really did do the right thing.









Things will get better.


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## callmedaisy (Jun 26, 2012)

I miss him. I want "us" back.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

callmedaisy said:


> I miss him. I want "us" back.


You did the right thing. Of course you miss "us". I always think of the expression. I don't miss you, I miss who I thought you were. Be strong, learn what your rights are. To me cheating is a deal breaker. I could never take a husband back after he slept with someone else.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Heartbreaking... I hope life treats you better from now on callmedaisy.


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## br1an (Jun 24, 2012)

callmedaisy said:


> I miss him. I want "us" back.


Of course you miss "us" but what you must realize is that "us" is gone forever. Not that there isn't a chance, at some point, that you can heal and reconcile with him - but it would be a new US at that point. The old US that you're missing.. gone. 

For now, work on yourself - and try the 180. Exercise, try to eat and sleep right (it's tough at the beginning), and start a journal somewhere. Pinzu.com is a great place for a free one online. Pour your feelings, worries, concerns there - and look to local friends for support as well. 

Plus, post here for guidance, support - or just when you want to say Hi and get some good old support. 

Take care, and best of luck to you in all this.

Plus, remember - his Affair is NOT your fault, it has much more to do with his personality and weakness. You are not to blame. Work on yourself, and prepare to move on.


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