# Did you feel better/did things change when it was official?



## Healer

I've been separated from WW since Nov 2012. Things are rather difficult right now (the worst since the first couple months after dday) in terms of anxiety, depression, etc. I feel overwhelmed with life...she's still very irresponsible and makes stupid decisions that impact mine and the kid's lives. I feel angry and out of control due to the fact I am still tied to her and that her bad choices affect me. I wish honestly she would just go away and I'd never see her again, but obviously that's not an option.

She's in Mexico for a week right now (on my dime from child support) and hasn't worked since early January. She asked me for her child support check early this month. Argh.

I started thinking that a lot of my stress/anxiety stems from the fact that we are not divorced yet - I am in limbo. I so badly want it to be official...even though her bad decisions will still affect the kids and me - it seems there will be some closure there, and maybe I can move on? I also feel f'd up about dating and relationships, but again, I got to thinking I'm still married, that has got to have a negative affect on me with women, not to mention it's a deterrent to many women (me still being married).

Anyway, although I'm sure for many people, when you are actually divorced, there's a sadness there, as it's official - your marriage is done. But did anyone here find it helped them, eased their stress/anxiety, like now you can actually really start living your new life?


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## PBear

Why do you let her bad choices affect you?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unsure78

For me no.. things didn't get better for me till about a year after my divorce was official when i finally stopped giving a flying f*ck about what happened to my ex and only cared about my son/myself.. but i have my son almost all the time so his decisions do not impact me that much


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## Healer

PBear said:


> Why do you let her bad choices affect you?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


They are choices such as not working, or working terrible jobs that affect me financially. Or things like going to Mexico for a week - which costs ME money, and the kids have to go out of town to their grandparents because I have to work, so I don't get to see them for a week. Or her deciding to take a job in a different town, which means my kids spend a huge amount of time on the highway in rush hour, which is dangerous and they hate.

These aren't things I'm just letting bug me - they are life choices that have direct impact on my life and my kid's life, our time, and my bank account. What's my recourse?


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## Dollystanford

From dday to divorce was six months for me - as soon as I knew it was definitely over I cut that sucker out of my life as quickly as I could. If I was still attached to him now it would be a bloody nightmare

I didn't sleep with anyone else until I was divorced even though he moved someone in almost as soon as he left (they split after they'd gone through all the money I gave him to get him out of the house)

When I got the decree nisi I didn't feel any sadness - I'd been through that. I felt relief that it was finally over. Closure is a cliché but it worked for me

PBear is right though - you don't have control over her actions. Control the elements you can. She wants her child support payment early? Tough sh*t love


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## Healer

unsure78 said:


> For me no.. things didn't get better for me till about a year after my divorce was official when i finally stopped giving a flying f*ck about what happened to my ex and only cared about my son/myself.. but i have my son almost all the time so his decisions do not impact me that much


It's a long journey I guess....sounds like things are good for you now though?


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## Shooboomafoo

Sometimes you cant get around how the choices of the ex effects your daily life. Anything they do in terms of the kids, can affect their opinion of you (parental alienation), their visitation schedules, financial expense, future planning, future living arrangements in terms of visiting schedules.. there are ALL kinds of things an ex can do that have an effect on your life. 

Luckily most of that finally got squared away, most if it being things I was unsure of what her ultimate decision was going to be, and even her inability to make a decision required that I wait on planning my own life, to make sure I would get to see my kid, moved to a convenient area, $$$$$ matters... etc.

So, yes. Eventually the garbage does all finally "untangle" and you will know that what she does has little impact anymore. 
That is SUCH A BREATH OF FRESH AIR...

It took awhile for me, and there are a few lingering issues, like a house that was supposed to be sold a year ago, and moving a dude into the house with my kid there 2 months after I moved out. Some of those decisions of her have lasting effects, meaning, she knew this dude years before we married. Somehow in 20 years he is supposed to be the same guy she knew back then? I have to check up on arrest records, etc. because she is lacking common sense. 

So I guess in some ways it does finally subside.


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## unsure78

Healer said:


> It's a long journey I guess....sounds like things are good for you now though?


Yea but I have been divorced for almost 2 years ( though mine was a very quick divorce like Dolly) he still irritates me at times with his shenanigans, but my son and i are pretty much independent of him, he could drop of the face of the earth tomorrow and it really wouldn't effect me.

It takes time and everyone's journey is different...


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## Jellybeans

No. I didn't. 

I felt like at least it was final but I did not start feeling better for a LONG time until after that. Everyone is different though.


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## PBear

My thoughts... Have you got a lawyer? Got your support payments locked in? Her taking holidays or voluntarily working less are only a problem for you if you let it be a problem for you. 

As far as custody when she goes on holidays, again talk to a lawyer about your rights. It seems reasonable to me that her going on holidays shouldn't affect your time with the kids. If that means she has to have her mom come stay with the kids at her place, so be it. But your lawyer can advise you. 

In summary, know your rights and use them. Meet your obligations. But don't be a doormat. 

Oh, and since you're in Canada... Google "Ottawa Divorce Forum" for practical Canadian specific help. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear

Btw... My thinking is that you'll start to feel better when you have more control and stability in your life. She's unsettling you deliberately or incidentally... Doesn't matter why, the effect is the same. 

Oh. And your current life will wear thin on any prospective mate, too. If you have to be constantly juggling things to respond to your ex's issues, they'll start to figure out where they sit in your priorities. And they won't like it, most likely. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dollystanford

I fully accept that when you get to 'our age' (ahem) then any love interest is going to have ex wives/kids, etc. and I really don't have an issue with that

But if someone is still at the ex-wife's beck and call and dealing with dramas then the natural reaction is to back off


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## Healer

I'm detaching more and more. She still texts me everyday, several times a day, just like when we were together. However I now just ignore them - unless it's something imminent about the kids. But she tries to make up stupid reasons to engage. "Will you call the kids tonight? I'll have them showered for when you pick them up - are jammies OK?" I always call them on her nights, and jammies are always OK. So with those, I just don't respond.

I'm certainly not at her beck and call, but there is some drama still. She stated that she would be moving the kids to a different school so she didn't have to commute for her new job. So basically it would be the kids and me that would have to do it. I said no way, and you can't change the kid's school without my consent. So she is going to stay put and do the commute. Damn right!

I also didn't give her the check early. With her in Mexico since Saturday, this is the longest stretch since texting was invented that I haven't heard from her. It's been glorious. :smthumbup:

She definitely wants to maintain that connection with me - and I don't want it at all. The only communication I want is about the kids/money and only if absolutely necessary. I am not her friend, I am not her lover, I am not her confidant. I am still technically her husband, but not for long.

I'm hoping when the D is finalized she'll get the picture.


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## unsure78

ahhh healer i see why you are still in low spot... if shes still texting you several times a day, definitely not detached... D may or may not change that, she will continue on in this pattern until you get firm and stand strong about the communication.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Morgiana

Mine is kinda the same... I just ignore... He hates it, but at least I dont have to deal with his bullsh!t...


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## 06Daddio08

Healer said:


> I've been separated from WW since Nov 2012. Things are rather difficult right now (the worst since the first couple months after dday) in terms of anxiety, depression, etc. I feel overwhelmed with life...she's still very irresponsible and makes stupid decisions that impact mine and the kid's lives. I feel angry and out of control due to the fact I am still tied to her and that her bad choices affect me. I wish honestly she would just go away and I'd never see her again, but obviously that's not an option.
> 
> She's in Mexico for a week right now (on my dime from child support) and hasn't worked since early January. She asked me for her child support check early this month. Argh.
> 
> I started thinking that a lot of my stress/anxiety stems from the fact that we are not divorced yet - I am in limbo. I so badly want it to be official...even though her bad decisions will still affect the kids and me - it seems there will be some closure there, and maybe I can move on? I also feel f'd up about dating and relationships, but again, I got to thinking I'm still married, that has got to have a negative affect on me with women, not to mention it's a deterrent to many women (me still being married).
> 
> Anyway, although I'm sure for many people, when you are actually divorced, there's a sadness there, as it's official - your marriage is done. But did anyone here find it helped them, eased their stress/anxiety, like now you can actually really start living your new life?


What kind of custody arrangement do you guys have?

My 'separation' started March 2012, of course for the first year I was a mess and going through all the motions. I'm still not legally divorced and the final order revisions have been going back and forth gradually. Actually come to think of it, I haven't stressed over it in quite a while and the feeling of "I must get divorced ASAP!" is pretty much non existent. I am looking forward to it when it happens though. 

The limbo you feel is self induced and any woman who doesn't understand your situation isn't deserving of your time. While life is rather simple, it's not without its complications. The few woman I have talked to I give full disclosure to, they know I'm going through the process of divorce in a sense but I consider myself divorced. I'm personally over the marriage (we all have our trigger days of course) but no longer want my ex back or for her to be apart of my life.

Any woman who takes the time to get to know my character will have no issue with my current situation. If they do, to the wind with them.

I can relate to the child support payment made in advance being requested, mine asked me that last summer via text. I told her not to ask me that again and she would get it at the same time every month. My ex also has a brand new car and months (and months) ago placed on our Co-Parenting calendar (why she put it on there, I never bothered asking) that she would be going on (2) 1 week vacations in the upcoming months.

Yet, she cannot afford to help pay for the children's activities nor assist in the cost of our daughters dance outfit because she is "broke". I never asked her how she could afford a new car or the cost of 2 week long trips, yet not able to afford to put in $30 towards a recital costume. 

Why are you allowing her to send all of these texts? Once again, I was there last May / June so I feel you on that. I would get texts asking me about certain types of movies, what I thought about this or that and in fact began to openly participate in getting together with her and the kids. I'm able to admit to that, I played a part in it. Eventually thought I became uncomfortable with it and after a blatant disregard for boundaries I ended it.

That's when I introduced Cozi for all of our Co-Parenting needs and informed her I wanted a low conflict, *low contact* situation between us. We now only really talk about the important things with the kids and for the most part I don't engage with her at all.

What I'm trying to get at is; if you aren't happy with certain things that are going on, try to become aware of what aspects you have control over and what you don't ... then deal with them. Don't want your ex sending you texts messages about silly little things? Tell her you're not okay with that. Don't want to be asked (ever again) to supply the support check early? Tell her you're not okay with that. It's not your damn problem that she cannot manage her money, she should be dealing with that on her own.

You got this, having the divorced not finalized can also work in your favor to a point. I've been tweaking our draft with every new thing that seems to come up, have you been able to do the same?


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## Rowan

After 2+ years in false R, I found out he had been a serial cheater for pretty much our entire marriage. That was July 24, 2013. Our divorce was final on October 7, 2013. So, it was very, very, quick. We lived together until October 9, when I moved the last of my things into my new house. There really never was a separation for us. We went from married to divorced and living apart in about 10 weeks. 

So, some things felt better and some things felt worse. But I was very glad to have things finalized and "over with" as it were. Glad to be out of limbo and to finally be able to move forward and get out from under all the stress and anxiety of living with him. And very glad to have all of our legal, financial, custody, etc., matters firmly settled so there could be no further back-and-forth on any of those.

But he was still, and continues to be to a certain extent, convinced we were friends. He called, texted, emailed, wanted to hug me hello and goodbye, introduced me to people at parties as if we were there together and was absentmindedly affectionate with me in many ways. I had to very calmly, but very clearly, sit him down and set out the new ground rules for him. I had to spell it out - no texts, no emails, no flirty banter (wtf?!?!), no hugging, no coming over just to chat, and certainly no booty calls (again with the wtf!). Then I had to stop responding to him unless it was about our son or some legal matter. If I hadn't I'd still be dealing with his constant presence in my life. I had to set the boundaries, and continue to enforce them, in order to get clear of his drama. I had to decide I just wasn't going to play his games anymore and stop letting him push my buttons.


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## EnjoliWoman

It's a process. I learned to not get sucked in over the phone pretty quickly; then any business-like email was responded to with long diatribes but since I don't reply to those, either he eventually chilled.

It took a good year for things to settle after I left - that's when the custody stuff was settled, then after a year and a half the divorce was final and that was a non-event.

It's difficult to let go of stuff that affects the kids but you will just have to remind yourself. You can't control what she does or the choices she makes. Don't talk about those things in front of the kids - no wondering aloud why she needs support early or whatever. Know that the kids will see and note stuff that is going on and THEY know that Mom chose to go on vacation without them. 

DO set boundaries - tell her you really don't need a text from her unless it's about the kids. It will get easier when there is an order. I finally just told the ex (several times) that I was not deviating from the order; I would be following it to the letter. Emergency exceptions of course.

Don't involve women in your life yet. You have to start to really not think about or care about what she does. Unless it hurts the kids (hurts, not just "not optimal"), let it go.


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## Healer

unsure78 said:


> ahhh healer i see why you are still in low spot... if shes still texting you several times a day, definitely not detached... D may or may not change that, she will continue on in this pattern until you get firm and stand strong about the communication.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It makes it extremely difficult to detach. I have become so accustomed to her incessant barrage of texts - that it's like a bad addiction for me, too. It's just par for the course, and I hate that. Me not engaging doesn't deter her. She still wants me there as her emotional support, a connection. She can't have that! She lost that when she spread for posom. 

I'm cold and detached and she begs me to not be - using the pretense that it's "important for the kids" to see us be friends. I loathe that she uses my kids as pawns in her selfish game.

My mom keeps telling me one way to really help me detach and for her to see it's OVER completely (as in not friends, either), is to see other women.


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## 06Daddio08

*Re: Re: Did you feel better/did things change when it was official?*



Healer said:


> It makes it extremely difficult to detach. I have become so accustomed to her incessant barrage of texts - that it's like a bad addiction for me, too. It's just par for the course, and I hate that. Me not engaging doesn't deter her. She still wants me there as her emotional support, a connection. She can't have that! She lost that when she spread for posom.
> 
> I'm cold and detached and she begs me to not be - using the pretense that it's "important for the kids" to see us be friends. I loathe that she uses my kids as pawns in her selfish game.
> 
> My mom keeps telling me one way to really help me detach and for her to see it's OVER completely (as in not friends, either), is to see other women.


You don't need to use another woman to get your ex to understand your position moving forward. To put it bluntly, balls up and do it yourself.

She's also not using the kids against you in this situation, you're allowing her to do this. By not having enough belief in yourself to think otherwise.

I sympathize, it's hard to break that habits of behavior but it can be done. 

Friendly but not friends. A simple hello and goodbye at child exchange is all that's required. Nothing more, nothing less.


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## Healer

06Daddio08 said:


> What kind of custody arrangement do you guys have?
> 
> My 'separation' started March 2012, of course for the first year I was a mess and going through all the motions. I'm still not legally divorced and the final order revisions have been going back and forth gradually. Actually come to think of it, I haven't stressed over it in quite a while and the feeling of "I must get divorced ASAP!" is pretty much non existent. I am looking forward to it when it happens though.
> 
> The limbo you feel is self induced and any woman who doesn't understand your situation isn't deserving of your time. While life is rather simple, it's not without its complications. The few woman I have talked to I give full disclosure to, they know I'm going through the process of divorce in a sense but I consider myself divorced. I'm personally over the marriage (we all have our trigger days of course) but no longer want my ex back or for her to be apart of my life.
> 
> Any woman who takes the time to get to know my character will have no issue with my current situation. If they do, to the wind with them.
> 
> I can relate to the child support payment made in advance being requested, mine asked me that last summer via text. I told her not to ask me that again and she would get it at the same time every month. My ex also has a brand new car and months (and months) ago placed on our Co-Parenting calendar (why she put it on there, I never bothered asking) that she would be going on (2) 1 week vacations in the upcoming months.
> 
> Yet, she cannot afford to help pay for the children's activities nor assist in the cost of our daughters dance outfit because she is "broke". I never asked her how she could afford a new car or the cost of 2 week long trips, yet not able to afford to put in $30 towards a recital costume.
> 
> Why are you allowing her to send all of these texts? Once again, I was there last May / June so I feel you on that. I would get texts asking me about certain types of movies, what I thought about this or that and in fact began to openly participate in getting together with her and the kids. I'm able to admit to that, I played a part in it. Eventually thought I became uncomfortable with it and after a blatant disregard for boundaries I ended it.
> 
> That's when I introduced Cozi for all of our Co-Parenting needs and informed her I wanted a low conflict, *low contact* situation between us. We now only really talk about the important things with the kids and for the most part I don't engage with her at all.
> 
> What I'm trying to get at is; if you aren't happy with certain things that are going on, try to become aware of what aspects you have control over and what you don't ... then deal with them. Don't want your ex sending you texts messages about silly little things? Tell her you're not okay with that. Don't want to be asked (ever again) to supply the support check early? Tell her you're not okay with that. It's not your damn problem that she cannot manage her money, she should be dealing with that on her own.
> 
> You got this, having the divorced not finalized can also work in your favor to a point. I've been tweaking our draft with every new thing that seems to come up, have you been able to do the same?


Thanks for this, and man, are our situations similar! Can I ask - what brought on your marriage ending?

I have the kids Wed-Sun. She picks them up Sunday evening, and then has them until Wednesday after work, when I pick them up. She never has them weekends, which kinda sucks as I'd like weekends to do guy stuff once in a while. But she's in the bar industry and weekends are where the work is.

You're very, very right in that I am playing a part in it. I admit it - I am afraid (I don't know why) to firmly say "don't text me this stuff". One thing she has over my head is the money thing. I pay her $1300 a month in child support - seems pretty damn high to me considering how often I have the kids. She's claiming that this new job will be more money on paper, and thus my support payments will go down. I don't want to piss her off and have her go back to serving for spite. But I know I can't live that way.

I totally agree about other women and my situation. If it doesn't work for them, NEXT!

What's cozi??

She got a job as GM at a meat market (where she thrives  ) that starts when she's back from Mexico. She swears up and down she's changing her life for the better and "living a good life". Thing is, I'm sure she believes it, but she's still in that skanky industry with drunks, cheaters and drug addicts. The people she considers to be the salt if the earth are low lifes. She's is simply incapable of making smart, adult decisions. She is perpetually 20 years old. She's a 36 year old mother of 2 for f*ck sake.

But again, you guys are right. I need to work on really detaching and completely cutting those ties. 16 years together, 13 years married...not as easy as I hoped it would be.


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## Healer

Rowan said:


> After 2+ years in false R, I found out he had been a serial cheater for pretty much our entire marriage. That was July 24, 2013. Our divorce was final on October 7, 2013. So, it was very, very, quick. We lived together until October 9, when I moved the last of my things into my new house. There really never was a separation for us. We went from married to divorced and living apart in about 10 weeks.
> 
> So, some things felt better and some things felt worse. But I was very glad to have things finalized and "over with" as it were. Glad to be out of limbo and to finally be able to move forward and get out from under all the stress and anxiety of living with him. And very glad to have all of our legal, financial, custody, etc., matters firmly settled so there could be no further back-and-forth on any of those.
> 
> But he was still, and continues to be to a certain extent, convinced we were friends. He called, texted, emailed, wanted to hug me hello and goodbye, introduced me to people at parties as if we were there together and was absentmindedly affectionate with me in many ways. I had to very calmly, but very clearly, sit him down and set out the new ground rules for him. I had to spell it out - no texts, no emails, no flirty banter (wtf?!?!), no hugging, no coming over just to chat, and certainly no booty calls (again with the wtf!). Then I had to stop responding to him unless it was about our son or some legal matter. If I hadn't I'd still be dealing with his constant presence in my life. I had to set the boundaries, and continue to enforce them, in order to get clear of his drama. I had to decide I just wasn't going to play his games anymore and stop letting him push my buttons.


Your ex is a male version of my stbxw. What is it with cheaters and still wanting to be "friends", and hugging and booty calls? You burned me and our marriage to the ground!!! It's OVER! Man are they f*cked in the head.

I'm glad yo hear you've moved on and set clear boundaries. You sound like you are doing well for yourself.


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## Rowan

Healer said:


> Your ex is a male version of my stbxw. What is it with cheaters and still wanting to be "friends", and hugging and booty calls? You burned me and our marriage to the ground!!! It's OVER! Man are they f*cked in the head.
> 
> I'm glad yo hear you've moved on and set clear boundaries. You sound like you are doing well for yourself.


Thanks! I am doing pretty well, actually, which seems to surprise my ex-husband. 



Healer said:


> I'm cold and detached and she begs me to not be - using the pretense that it's "important for the kids" to see us be friends. I loathe that she uses my kids as pawns in her selfish game.


Your kids don't need to see the two of you being friends. They need to see you two effectively co-parenting, or at least parallel parenting, and being civil to one another. The two of you _aren't _friends. There's no need to lie to your kids about that or pretend to be something you're not in order to deceive them. Do your children know why the marriage ended? It's possible to tell children an age-appropriate version of the truth without alienating the other parent or creating confusion and panic. I did it. 



Healer said:


> My mom keeps telling me one way to really help me detach and for her to see it's OVER completely (as in not friends, either), is to see other women.


Don't use other women to help clue in your ex. It won't work - she still won't grasp boundaries. And it just makes you a bit of an ass for trying.


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## 06Daddio08

Healer. A lot happened between us, we both had our faults and failures. Hard to articulate from my phone but if I can tonight, I'll share a bit when I'm at my computer.

I've owned my crappy behaviour and moved beyond hers but I do not take accountability for her emotional affair.

I recently dug up the only thread I saved from a year ago, to share with someone. I've been debating posting it for a while. As a salute to 2 years gone by.


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## 3Xnocharm

Healer said:


> It makes it extremely difficult to detach. I have become so accustomed to her incessant barrage of texts - that it's like a bad addiction for me, too. It's just par for the course, and I hate that. Me not engaging doesn't deter her. She still wants me there as her emotional support, a connection. She can't have that! She lost that when she spread for posom.
> 
> I'm cold and detached and she begs me to not be - using the pretense that it's "important for the kids" to see us be friends. I loathe that she uses my kids as pawns in her selfish game.
> 
> My mom keeps telling me one way to really help me detach and for her to see it's OVER completely (as in not friends, either), is to see other women.


Have you told her that those texts need to stop? If not, then do so. Keep detaching, and not answering non-pertinent texts. You being consistent with this is the only way it is going to stop. She seems to think that you have to be chummy to amicable, and thats just not true. And when you DO start seeing someone, brace yourself for her backlash.


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## Dollystanford

My ex likes to use me as free therapy when another one of his doomed relationships inevitably f*cks up (and yes I do allow it, know why? Because now I have no attachment to him I can tell him what I think and he has to take it)

This is on the very rare occasion I see or speak to him - probably a total of 4 times in the last six months. I stopped responding to reams and reams of mememe text messages so they stopped pretty quickly too


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