# How long to make a decision?



## angrywife13 (Feb 24, 2015)

My husband cheated last March, the story is in the coping section (not sure if I linked to it correctly, new here). It's been a year, when it happened I told myself I would wait one year and reevalute...to try to make a more rational decision. I haven't recovered and not sure if I ever will. I am able to support myself and our children, I have an exit plan. Should I give myself a time limit to make a decision whether to keep trying or whether to throw in the towel? What is a reasonable amount of time? I don't want to stay any longer than necessary to extend the suffering if I ultimately leave, but I don't want to make a premature decision either.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

This is really a choice you have to make. There's only a right or wrong choice for you,no one can make it for you. 

That said... 

Most indications should show you by his actions if he's truly remorseful. Pushback, rug-sweeping, telling you to get over it... These actions aren't remorse. There are lots of illustrations of true remorse in the reconciliation posts by some members,so I'd look there if you need good examples. 

You often have no guarantees anyway - the proof is in the pudding, and that takes time. One question is, are you willing to spend the time to find out for sure? If so, you need to accept this and be at peace with the possibility that you might end up wasting your time anyway. But, at least you know for sure. 

If wasting time isn't an option for you, then you have your decision. 

If I were in your shoes I'd give no quarter, I'd be done, whether or not I had children or other joint responsibilities. But I am not you and you have to do things according to what suits you and your future best.


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## angrywife13 (Feb 24, 2015)

Thank you for your advice, I think the only thing in the world I need right now is for someone to tell me this is normal. That my not being able to make a decision is ok. He is remorseful, but I'm not sure that matters to me anymore. If he weren't remorseful at all, this would be a much clearer issue to decide.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There is really no "normal" when it comes to time spent trying to R. 

Some R completely and rebuild. Some don't and end up divorcing. But the worst situations are those who remain in limbo -- not happy but unsure about going. That's a very hard place to be. You could give it another six months. Or another year -- if you're comfortable with that. That would give you two years of trying to make it work and I think you would know for sure at that point. 

Many cannot get over the betrayal no matter how hard they try. That's something the cheater didn't take into account when they chose infidelity.


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## angrywife13 (Feb 24, 2015)

That's where I am, and have been, for the last year. Stuck in limbo. Every time he is away for work, it gets worse. Since this happened he has been away for a total of four months, and has another two months this summer. I don't trust what he might be doing and am just reminded I don't need him to function. It's not him I'm holding on for, it's the kids. I'm scared of what it will do to them, we shield them from our problems as much as possible, what if they hate me for this?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Of course it is normal to be confused or indecisive! It might not be quite so healthy if you're stuck that way for an extended period of time while things either stagnate or get worse. 

You have after all spent a good chunk of your time with him and invested yourself in many ways. It's easy for someone not in your shoes to have a view from 50K feet above. You will also have this perspective some day but it takes more time to gain when you've been living from the inside for so long. 

There are lots of things going through your mind, I'm sure. Don't forget to ask yourself whether you'd advise one of your children to remain in your situation. Children learn from parents what is acceptable to tolerate. You are not only shaping your own future but theirs as well.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Angrywife: Just as long as it takes for you to make a sound rational decision is the appropriate amount of time needed! After all, you're now looking out for your own best interests~ and not his!

Take your time, and don't act impulsively!*


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Some states require a cooling off period that lasts up to a year. This starts when you file. Based on that I think a year is a reasonable time to get a handle on how you feel about this. Your reluctance to act is not based on your needs or on his remorse, but on your fears. Do you need more time to evaluate how true your fears are?
MN


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Agreed, what you are going through is normal. The main question I would have is how is he treating you and your recovery during this time? Has he been remorseful? Has he allowed you time/space for healing? Has he been agreeable to your needs since then? Have you both (or just you) been in some kind of therapy/counseling? (It's important that you seek some form of therapy for yourself to help you process through this and find forgiveness for him, one way or the other) Has he opened up his life to you to ensure that you know there is no room for dishonesty?

I question this last one, because in my mind, if he was actively cheating on you during some of his business trips, then it makes sense that those would be a massive trigger for you and he should have been doing his best to avoid those whenever possible, up to and possibly including him getting another job. If he was involved with a co-worker, then that absolutely should have included him finding another job...

Ultimately, he isn't entitled to privacy now, or even the opportunity to be private (like going on a business trip alone for example) if that is going to be a trigger for you. It is his responsibility to make sacrifices as part of helping you heal from this. Has he been making these efforts? If not, then I would say you need to make that clear to him, possibly while in marriage counseling. If he has been doing his best to address your fears/concerns and help you heal, then I would suggest that you need to continue working in therapy on your own to try to find forgiveness, which will be important regardless of whether you choose to stay in the marriage or move on with divorce.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Op, 
I'll be 4 yrs out this May. While I am, nor life, is nowhere near what it was like after d-d, it is..., something that stays with you forever. 

The whole marriage has shifted, and only you can decide if you can live with the new shift. 

As far as when to make "That decision?" Only you can know that, and you come to that answer hopefully with help of time, & perspective.

My h & I separated & only now am I finding my voice because I stayed in limbo way to long. 

How old are your children? 

~sammy


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

What did each year do for you, Sammy?


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

LW, 

I feel like I've lived through Dante Inferno... 

~sammy


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