# Nothing changes...



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

So here I am again...

It's been a while. A month or so. Not much has changed. In fact things are exactly the same. Though I could have predicted that.

We have sex. When it happens, it is good. Yes the frequency could be more but at this point I can deal with that.

I gave myself a blanket ban on initiating a while ago. Being refused so many times when I initiated wore down my esteem. So I figured I would just stop because it was so painfull. That I would go for it when he initiated and not turn *him* down, just not initiate myself.

And it continues. I have explained I need something from him. A good faith effort in building up trust again because I don't want to feel like this forever. When we talk about it he continues to say I should just initiate and he wouldn't say no.

He can not understand why I would not plunge straight back in to the very same behavior that prompted me to end up feeling like this. To him it is as simple as that. To me I can not feel that anything has changed from him that would make me feel confident enough to initiate. He doesn't build me up. He doesn't make me feel desired, or wanted.

It *has* affected our sex life. I have allways been an initiator, confident in myself and getting things started when I wanted stuff to happen. That is all out of the window now.

Typically in an evening, I will shower, put on nice lingerie and usually wear something I think will catch his eye. I guess in a way this is me indirectly initiating. I am not overtly putting it out there yet I continue to hope that he will get things started from my cue. 

Trouble is, 9 times out of 10, he is oblivious. The other day I wore some cute stockings he expressly told me he thought were sexy. He has pointed out a number of times when we have been out, girls wearing them, said he thought they were nice, that I could wear some. So I do... and nothing. Not a word.

So most nights I do this, get disappointed, and end up falling asleep on the couch, or go to bed before him on my own.

It is like agony. It is painfull. I am sat here wishing my evenings away. Every day, every evening I hope that tonight will be the night he will jump me. And mostly he doesn't.

I don't really know why I am posting this because I am not asking for help. Just venting I guess. Not that I feel better for it really but it'll pass again, in a while.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I'm sorry nothing has changed for you, I can hear/feel your sadness and frustration (((hugs))).

What next? Do you have a plan B?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Oh walkingwounded, I tend to feel rejection like this is soooo much harder on a woman, we are expected to be those objects of desire, that our men are lusting after...we are born more emotionally fragile/, we need to feel his want.... in this way, my heart goes out to you, the last thing you need is to be around a bunch of women complaining all their men want is sex . It's just not supposed to be this way. 

Is he taking care of himself... what is the deal here ? 

If you get the point of leaving him, maybe he will wise up, kinda like this song >>

 Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone)


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

AFAIK he very infrequently takes care of himself. At this point that is not worrying me.

And yes when I read all the stories about men wanting their wives to want more, it is difficult  

A plan B? I never had a plan B, I thought plan A of explaining what I needed from him would work. Naive? Yes.

A massive part of the problem is I think he sees the fact that we do still have sex, hard to get past to see everything around it. He is kinda like, well, we have sex every week don't we? 

Half of me thinks, damn it, just initiate. But then I think of all the times he turned me down so hurtfully. I know he is more aware now. But I think that he would still turn me down.

Earlier on we had a text exchange. I swore I would stop this come bedtime but my frustration got the better of me. I said the problem was me, that I get "done up" every evening in the hope that he might be interested and 9/10 times he isn't, that I must be dog ugly because he is happy to crane his neck to look at 18 year old girls walking past wearing skimpy shorts and little vests, but when he has me sat next to him wearing the same, he doesn't even register it.

He said we had great sex the other day, what does that tell me?

He also said that he does desire me but sometimes he wants to do his own thing, like I do my hobbies.

You see, he doesn't get it. I have explained untill I am blue in the face that this is not to do with frequency. I am not having a problem because I am asking for more frequent sex. I am explaining I want to feel desired and I want him to show this and help rebuild the confidence he knocked down, so we can get back to a place where I feel confident enough to initiate without the fear of being turned down, or to be able to handle it if he does for whatever reason.


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## intransition (Sep 22, 2012)

I totally feel your pain. I know I'm a guy but I was a totally confident sexual being before getting into a marriage with a similar dynamic. I felt like I would try everything and when we occasionally had sex, I still felt like I had to create or make it happen is some way. Regardless, I went through such agony, doubting my ability, attractiveness ect. We spent years in therapy and at first I blamed myself, then I blamed her and finally I accepted that our chemistry doesn't exist and as I reflect, I realized that it was missing from the beginning. (not the first month but as soon as the first tension appeared, it was labor for love) my therapist helped me realize that this sexual issue was a metaphor for other real issues. We just don't physically or emotionally connect with eachother. One day while meditating, I realized I could no longer go back to the bedroom where so much tension and anxiety lived. I moved into another room for 6 mo. Then fixed up garage and have lived here for almost a year. Now, I am planning to move out. It has been the hardest thing ever ( we have two boys) but in all this grief, I am so relieved to not be trying to combine water and oil. Perhaps you are not like this, but maybe you too are fighting a battle with physics? How long has your tension existed? What evidence do you see of things changing? How long are you willing to struggle? Best of luck.


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## The dumb-one (Sep 22, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> AFAIK he very infrequently takes care of himself. At this point that is not worrying me.
> 
> And yes when I read all the stories about men wanting their wives to want more, it is difficult
> 
> ...


 I am going thought the same thing. My husband seems to be bothered by my need of sex. And that's only about once a month.
I'm going crazy. I love my husband. But how do we change this?

I wish I had an answer for you, but I'm reading your thread hoping to get one.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

intransition

Sorry to hear your story. I am sure you have realized it is unfortunately a common one.

I have to ask, what part has your wife played? In what you say, do you consider it to be "one of those things"?

I think me and H connect. Sometimes in good moments I feel it very strongly and he does too, on different levels.

I think the crux of the problem is that I appear to have a higher drive. I think about sex more. His priorities are different. It is hard to digest given what we used to be like. I also think he has a lack of empathy. I do not think he really understands that he has hurt me. He is pretty thick skinned and does not dwell on things so he finds it hard to relate.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

The dumb-one said:


> I am going thought the same thing. My husband seems to be bothered by my need of sex. And that's only about once a month.
> I'm going crazy. I love my husband. But how do we change this?
> 
> I wish I had an answer for you, but I'm reading your thread hoping to get one.


I hope I do too!

I have pretty much stopped discussing it. I have moments of weakness where I do get upset and let him know but mostly I endure it I guess. I figure he knows how I feel, knows what I would like from him, and the ball is in his court so to speak.

I did once or twice ask him, was he not bothered by the fact hi wife never initiated, and on top of that, that his wife never initiated because she did not trust him enough to feel comfortable to do so?

His answer? No.


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## intransition (Sep 22, 2012)

Hello Walking Wounded (powerful image-i can relate to)
It' hard to remember the part my ex played in it. I know she wanted it to be different. Maybe it was like your H, different drives. This showed up as well for us in career ambition. I know I push myself and am constantly striving for goals in life that will bring me more gratification and increase my cash flow. It wasn't until she was presented with the reality of divorce and supporting herself on her own that her ambition became more active. But I was reading this book by Eckart Tolle (Oneness with All Life) where he was talking about living life with enthusiasm when you can, acceptance for the other things (that you have to do) and if you can't accept them, stop doing them. I felt like I tried to change that situation...many painful conversations, therapy sessions, and awkward phyisical/sexual relations. I realized that what ever was going on in her or between us was not going to change and I couldn't accept this as a way to live my life. 

I can relate to what you are going through with your H, because she didn't appear bothered either and unless I brought it up, seemed to go on about life with out much concern. I would try to ignore my desires too. I love her as a friend and a parent. And it is so sad to me that we don't have a close physical intimate connection. It's not just about sex, but the sex is like a symptom of what we didn't have. I told myself that If I was a better person, I would sacrifice for my children, for my relationship, ect. but Ive realized that I cant do that. Perhaps you can accept your situation? Or perhaps small shifts might occur? I think my ex and I became much closer as a result of our work, (4-5 years of therapy) it became easier to talk and I took my sexuality less seriously. As I write, I think you might be on to something with drive. I have dated someone with a more similar drive as me and I can't believe how liberating it is. (Too bad there's not much more than the great sex...definitely not sustainable on its own, but for me something that can't accept a relationship with out it). 

His short answer of No, could represent his insensitivity or acceptance of the situation. But I would suggest asking him questions that are not 'yes' 'no' questions. Like 'How does it make you feel knowing... Also those two questions are both complex questions and if someone asked me those together, I might freeze up and not even be able to say much more than 'no' either.

Anyhow, thanks for sharing this personal stuff...this was a first time for me on one of these forums so it feels a little awkward talking to strangers about such personal stuff. 
Best of luck
intransition


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## claudiagoul (Sep 24, 2012)

I tend to feel rejection like this is soooo much harder on a woman


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

claudiagoul said:


> I tend to feel rejection like this is soooo much harder on a woman


Pain is pain, wether is a man or a woman. Shouldn't we be "equal"?

Walkingwounded, I think your husband should watch this videos and maybe join one of these groups:

BetterMen Wisdom Vol. 1 - On Your Terms - YouTube

Hope this helps.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Mishy said:


> Pain is pain, wether is a man or a woman. Shouldn't we be "equal"?
> 
> Walkingwounded, I think your husband should watch this videos and maybe join one of these groups:
> 
> ...


While I'd like to agree with you, as a man myself I think this would be harder on a woman.

Women (with some exceptions) are viewed by society as a whole as sexy, desireable creatures. I'm sure if we polled the members here and asked how often they got hit on, women would outrank men on average by a fair margin. Heck, even look at the threads on these boards. For every thread like this where there is a woman asking why he man doesn't want her, there is 50 threads of men asking why their wives don't want them. I'd wager there's just as many threads by women complaining that their husbands want it to much as there is about husbands not wanting it enough. When it comes to sex, the expectation is that the women will be turning down the man, not the other way around.

There are just some things where a man feels like he should 'out do' for lack of a better word a woman, and in other cases where a woman should out do a man. Libido is one place where men typical way out do their women, so if I was the OP I'd be very frustrated.

I'm sorry to the OP, this must be difficult. Kudos to you for trying. I applaud your efforts to stop initiating. I really don't have much words for you, though I'd ask that you rule out any possible involvement from another woman. I don't think he's cheating, but I'd rule it out. After that, I'm at a loss. Maybe, and I hate to say it, he's just not that into you? Has this been a problem all the time? I'm sorry, I'm just not that familiar with your situation.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

WW,

I too feel your pain and know that you want to feel desired more than it just being about frequency.

As I've said in the past, after you bang your head against a wall repeatedly (intiating) and all you get is a headache (rejection) you finally learn to stop banging your head against that wall.

I guess the almost laughable part of this is that the LD spouse always comes along wanting to know what's wrong? 

What the hel1 do you think is wrong? Could it be the issue we've talked about so many times with little or no long term change?

DUUUHHH!


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Exactly Toffer. It even gets to the point where you simply say 'Nothing's wrong' just so you don't have to say what is really wrong because you know that if you admit it's your sex life that's bugging you, nothing will actually improve but it'll make for another awkward scene, just like the last 20-50 conversations on the issue.

It eventually gets to the point where you'd rather not discuss the issue at all than say anything because you know nothing positive is forthcoming if you do. 

Then it eventually leads to resentment and frustration, and eventually that leads to a blow up and things could go any number of negative ways from there.

That's why I don't get why people don't want to discuss things right away and work on a solution. I mean, if I was spending $200 a month on lottery tickets and we couldn't afford it, my SO would point out that A) I'm spending $200 on lottery tickets and B) We can't afford it. If I kept it up, then something would hit the fan really quick, so I better stop. And I know if I don't stop, **** will hit the fan and I'll understand why.

Yet the LD spouse can hear dozens of times how there's an issue with the sex life and just nod their head in agreement but do nothing, argue about it or ignore it, then they are surprised when something bad comes of it. It makes no sense.

Especially when you factor in that we are talking about sex here (and often to make things right in that department all the HD spouse is looking for is 1-2 times more per week or a little variety to spice things up, so we're likely talking 10-40 extra minutes a week), I really don't get it. 

I think most of the LD spouses out there are either bait and switchers or people who are incredibly lazy overall and don't feel like putting in effort for anyone else but themselves. Not all, some have legitimate reasons like medications, but most have no excuse other than not putting their marriage ahead of themselves.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have similar issues.

At first, over several years we were about 50/50 on the initiating, he did it, I did it--it was pretty much even so no one had to keep score.

Then the first stroke in 1999 and things went to hell and a handbasket. All of a sudden no initiating from him and constant rejection when I initiated. After several months my poor self-esteen just couldn't take it anymore so I quit initiating. He didn't initiate/neither did I - a stalemate that neither one of us bowed down from and so there went my otherwise great 15-year married sex life.

Then I finally give in and try to get something going--he's resentful, thinks it went south because of me, has re-written history and forgotten that he quit initiating and kept turning me down - round and round we go again trying to blame each other and getting nowhere.

We start establishing some kind of sex life - but now he has ED from stroke, so that torpedo's a lot as HE can't get past it. Fear of failure each time makes him withdraw more.

Then--BOOM - another medical crises - another stroke and a TBI - now I've got major problems. Increased ED, depression, drinking because his life has so drastically changed and he's not the same so the spark that I was trying to ignite got snuffed out again.

Then--BOOM - another crises. Brain damage has him thinking he's bi-sexual and now he wants to experience sexual contact with men. Wow - what about me? So we navigate that new terroritory and come to a compromise--we adventure into threesomes and some swapping - works out good - but I want him too - what do I do about that?

He says too much pressure from me and he can't deal with it and fears failure so he moves further away. I decide to back off and relieve pressure. Doesn't really work out for me as I backed off 7 months ago and we've been intimate once and I initiated. He says it's due to stress from the house renovation (it flooded in March). So I'm staying patient and going to see what changes post-renovation.

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL AND IT SUCKS BIG TIME!!

I don't know what to tell you but to leave, but I can't leave either - so I guess that advice sucks too.

But--just wanted you to know that you are not alone. And...at least you are having weekly sex - mine is turning out to be semi-annually at this rate!

Keep the faith...


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I hear ya King!

We've had many a fight where I know I came off as being cranky and have complained about a physical aliment that was bothering me only to have my wife tell me "Well I hope you do something about that because it's making you cranky" to which I reply "That's not what has been making me cranky!"

Sometimes I just want to start walking and not look back. Sigh. It's always my fault


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