# Step son is driving a wedge between us



## Stephanie Campbell

Hi, I am at my witts end and I am turing to online advice. I have been with my wife for 4 years now, and we recently got married in November. She has 2 sons from a prior marriage, 15 and 12. We traid off weeks every other weekend, so just have kids 2 weeks a month. The 15 yoa is your typical teenager, but is very respectful and we have developed a good "step parent" relationship. The issue's I am facing are with her 12 yoa son. I will try to make it as clear and short as possible.
Her 12 yoa does have some issues. He has ADHD, OCC, anxity, and MAJOR anger issues. I am a pretty laid back person, and mostly all I ask is that you show me respect and I will do the same. I have shown these kids nothing short of love and affection, and live my life to have this family and take care of my wife. There have always been issues with the 12 yoa, but recently it has gotten to the point where I can't take being abused mentaly and emotionaly any more. What all Im getting ready to post has just ramped up to the extreme and I really need some advice on what I need to do.
There have been 2 different occasion's where he kicked me, because he didn't want to listen to me (more like a tap but fact it was phsyical abuse), used to tell me on a daily basis that he wants me to die (that only happens periodicly now but still), he hates me, wish I would just disapear, and I could go on.
The other day was the breaking point for me. He couldn't find anything to wear for this event to go to, and said his "other mom" told him to wear black shorts and a white shirt. So, I text his mom (who I am married too, forgot to say we are lesbians), and she said for him to wear jeans and a white shirt, the other parent got it wrong. Ok, so sounds pretty cut and dry. Well, he no short of lost his **** and you would of thought that I told him he had to go naked and stand in front of the entire world. I read verbatim what the text said, and he said she was stupid had no idea what she was talking about, I was lying trying to get him in trouble, and I needed to shut up and give him my phone. So, I tell his mom, who calls me and hears all this going on and as I hand him the phone I said ****. Out of frustration, and I never curse in front of them. 
I left the house minutes after that to go pick up the other son, and my wife calls me back and tells me I will not curse in front of her kids, doesn't matter how frustrated I am. Needless to say I lost my mind. 
My wife knows of all this frustration between the two of us, and it hasn't been this bad in about a year. But ever since we got married, it has gotten to the point where I am ready to call it quits. I have lost almost all the respect that I have towards her, because even though she punishes him she always gives in to him. And he tells her on a daily basis he is doing everything he can to get me to leave. 
Ok, that is just a little bit to kind of get an idea of what I am dealing with. You can relate that story to anything. Washing dishes, taking out the trash, taking a shower, litterly anything. I am needing advice on how to approach this more with my wife. We have talked the past two days, and just found out that while I am working overnight (I have a swing schedule) he sleeps in bed with her. Of which, I have already put my foot down and said this is unacceptable, and yet she let happen again. She says that she is seeing where I am coming from and promises to start making changes, but I don't' know if I am fighting a loosing battle. I told her that if this ever happens again to this extent, I am packing up my crap and leaving. I am not asking her to put me above and beyond her kids, but I do expect our marriage to be a priority over the kids in a certain manner. And to not be cut off at the knees when it comes to these situations. 
Thanks in advance.


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## EleGirl

Welcome to step parenting. Some children do not take kindly to a step parent. 

At this point, you should simply refuse to parent him at all. His biological mother and father should do all the parenting until this is resolved. 

Is the anger new since you and his mother got together? Or does it predate that? Does he act out like this at his father's house and with his father? From what you wrote, it sounds like his anger is only directed at you. So some clarification would help.

You all might benefit from family counseling. Clearly what you doing right now is not working.

One of the reasons that I suggest counseling is that just disciplining a kid with this level of anger does not often work. Kids feel that they have no power. He knows that the has no power because it seems that he does not want you in his life, but his mother has forced this on him. (Lived through this with my step kids.) When a child feels that they have no power, they are usually willing to die on that hill. You all need a way to approach this that defuses his anger.


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## Stephanie Campbell

These anger issues pre-date me being around. And yes, he has anger issues at the other parents house, however it isn't this severe and they put him in check really fast. And it is only directed at me for the most part, and does say he does it on purpose. My wife tries to do the same by putting him in check, but she just isn't able to do it the way the other parent does it. She puts him in check, but then it seems not a day passes and it happens again. I have thought about therapy, we went to couples therapy a while back to work on stuff (I have no shame in going at all) and feel that might be the last resort. He is in therapy, and the one time we went as a family he told the therapist the same things he told me. I just don't know if I am fighting a loosing battle. I love my wife, but is there a point when being hated would out way that and just push me away? :frown2:
I don't know any other step parents, we were a blended family however my dad kicked out my brother (non biologial) at 17 for dropping out of school and doing drugs. So in my eyes, that was warrented.
I did tell the wife that I am no longer going to parent him at all, so I am glad that you put that. Thought maybe I was over reacting to the situation by doing that. Thanks.


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## EleGirl

There are also some good books about step parenting that you might want to check out. The ones I've read basically tell step parents to not try to parent the step children. Step parents have no legal say about their step children and you better believe that kids today know this.

So his biological father is more able to keep him under control? Is that right? 

Some young teen boys have a problem dealing with their mother and other females. You might be dealing with that.

How is his behavior at school?


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## Stephanie Campbell

He was expelled from elementry, asked to leave his current middle school, and is starting at a new school this school year. It is the last school district he hasn't been to in our area, so if this doesn't work out for him then he has no where to go. So, it is an on going thing. I wasn't around when he got expelled, that was about a year before my time.
Do you know the name of the books? I know that I could google but I will get a list a mile long, and rather have advice from people who have gotten good stuff from them.
And yes, his other parent can keep him in check, but it is more of an "iron fist" by fear keeping him in check. Right now we are having him stay over there more often, it worked a while back, but he always seems to revert back to his old ways.


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## Red Sonja

You absolutely must learn to stop taking his words and behavior personally. His anger is caused by his life dramatically changing and he had no say in it. You just happen to be the target because you represent part of that change. I would bet money that the new spouse in his other home receives the same treatment. This is what kids his age do in these circumstances.

You can make some improvement in his behavior by giving him control through small choices. Give him an option A and option B and then let him choose. Don’t fight with him over things that do not matter. For example, in the choice of clothes, I would have let him wear what he wants and if it was inappropriate then let him experience the natural consequences of his choice (i.e. someone will ask him “why are you wearing shorts?”). Let him explain or not and, if they ask you (the parent) just shrug and say “IDK, ask him”. At his age natural consequences (i.e. peer pressure) are very effective.

If he says something hateful to you remain unaffected and calmly say “I’m sorry you're angry” and no more discussion. When my "angry child" used to look at me and say "you're not my mother" I would simply agree with her; that certainly turned her anger into confusion, LOL. The idea is to remain calm and unaffected and never argue with him, just give a consequence where it is warranted. If you do this consistently he will learn that his behavior is not working … and, he is doing this because he wants you to get angry and “go away” and then his life will be as it was (or so he hopes).

It is also helpful to allow him a non-destructive way to vent his anger … I gave my “angry child” a nerf bat and she was allowed to beat up anything in her room with it. Eventually, I would just hand her the bat when I knew she was fuming about something and she would take it and go into her room. She would scream, cry and beat on stuff and quickly tire herself out. After she had calmed I would ask her if she would like to tell me what she was mad about (I didn’t force her to talk) and sometimes she would talk to me about it. By giving them an (non-destructive) outlet, such as this, you are showing them that you respect their feelings and are giving them a way to express them. Kids that age are not capable of communicating rationally when angry, they have to learn how.

I guarantee you that his behavior has nothing to do with you personally, it could be anyone in your role and he would be doing the same thing. Remember, he is just a little boy.


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## luxnoctis

Stephanie Campbell said:


> Her 12 yoa does have some issues. He has ADHD, OCC, anxity, and MAJOR anger issues. I am a pretty laid back person, and mostly all I ask is that you show me respect and I will do the same. I have shown these kids nothing short of love and affection, and live my life to have this family and take care of my wife.


I understand he may be too much for you to handle emotionally, but I would like to offer my perspective on this. It sounds like her 12 year old is displaying mental health problems, the ADHD, OCD, anxiety and anger. OCD is an expression of anxiety and and someone with anxiety problems naturally acts very controlling in attempts to reduce their anxiety. When their attempts to have everything under their control don't work out they can respond with anger. The root of this behavior is extreme fear and believing that only total control over all situations will get rid of that fear. 

Now, I had a stepmom during my adolescent years and I also had similar emotional problems. I was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I'm being treated for it. I don't have fear or anxiety and so I don't feel the need to control everything and everyone around me. My stepmom, however was not kind, she and her children were bullies and my father was a very angry parent who would never allow me to act out. I was very scared to live at his house as a result and stopped living there as soon as I could. 

In your situation, your stepson is being allowed to act out his emotional problems and affect the entire family. Just from my experience struggling with similar issues as a teenager, all I can offer is that you stay steadfast in showing love, attention, and affection. When he behaves badly, say you love him but you won't be treated that way (in a calm voice with no attitude), then ignore him until he is calmer. After he calms down, reaffirm your position as a caring step parent by showing love and affection. Before, during, and after every episode love needs to be consistent and stable so that he can learn to expect your affections to always be there and start believing that you actually do care about him. It will take a lot of time for that to sink in for him. 

I know maybe you aren't up for this and I don't blame you, he isn't your kid and its hard to deal with a teenager with mental health issues. But if you did try this with him, you would be helping to put his life on a better path. He needs to know his poor behavior isn't acceptable, but that it doesn't make his family love him less. The issue with his outfit could be handled differently if you know that its stemming from fear. He probably was afraid that not wearing the right clothes would result in more anxiety or lead to something bad happening (in his mind) so you can try calmly assuaging his fears. Because you are a new parent to his life, you may not be able to go that far yet. But you can certainly remind yourself he is a very fearful child who does not know how to handle his fear appropriately. Anger is certainly a way to make yourself feel powerful and in control and avoid recognizing that you are so afraid.


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## luxnoctis

Stephanie Campbell said:


> And yes, his other parent can keep him in check, but it is more of an "iron fist" by fear keeping him in check. Right now we are having him stay over there more often, it worked a while back, but he always seems to revert back to his old ways.


My father and stepmother used fear tactics to keep my behavior under control, but it did nothing to help my mental issues. All my issues found their expression at my mom's house instead. She, unfortunately, had to deal with that, but was unable to handle it properly herself. I can tell you that all I wanted was to be loved unconditionally and that it took me years from my husband and his family to believe that its possible to be loved no matter how bad you have behaved. 

If you care about him and want to help him deal with his mental health problems, you really can. You are adult and have the ability to teach him that bad behavior doesn't make your family stop loving you. If you can help him be less fearful and teach him unconditional love (while not condoning bad behavior) you can get through to him and he will calm down. Normally I would suggest medication, but I hate to have a young teenager on medications, it may be necessary in his situation, I don't know. But its far from an ideal solution at his age.


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