# wife just ripped my heart out



## ripped (Nov 20, 2011)

after nearly 20 years together i've found out my partner has cheated on me, not an impulse thing but a premeditated tryst set up by her with someone she met in a bar.
Its now 1 week since i found out and she has shown no remorse and has insisted she is the victim. We have 2 young kids, beautiful innocent boys who love their mum and dad. We have booked a counselling session with marriage guidance for this week but i'm not hopeful their is any way out.. if she hasn't shown remorse, how can we move on? I'm scared to criticise her for anything in case she runs to the comfort of the lover. 

I'm desperate for guidance and would do anything to have a happy family home for my kids.

Am i mad to think there is any future for us ?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

First, cheating is always premeditated; it never happens on an impulse. There is always planning behind it. Cheaters often play the victim card, and will often blame their spouse for what happened. This is a situation where you have to be stronger than you've ever been. You have to be "the bad guy" (at least that's how she will see you) but it's for the sake of your marriage. Don't show any fear. If she wants to run off to lover boy, shrug your shoulders at the thought and tell her not to let the door hit her on the ass on her way out. When you show fear, she has the power. When you show you don't care, it gives you the power and freaks her out. There is another thread on here called "Just let them go" which has some very good advice. Read that, print it out, then read it again, then apply it to your situation.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.


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## ripped (Nov 20, 2011)

Thanks for the reply. I'm so mixed up , i'm trying the "understanding guy" and the total lack of remorse is destroying me, so i'll take your "don't care" advice and see how it goes.

Thanks again for the advice.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

This is really tough, I'm so sorry. The instinct is to grab her and hold on tight. But when you do that in this situation, she just wants to wriggle free from you.

Cancel the counseling session (MC) until she wants to go - or just make it an individual session (IC) for yourself. 

Tell your wife you won't be anyone's 2nd choice. I guarantee you this other man (OM) has no interest in supporting your wife and your kids. If you tell her you won't stand for it, eventually it will hit her that she has a LOT to lose for a fantasy. So take yourself away as an option until she comes to her senses. This is the only thing that works. Put your foot down. Command respect.

Did she sleep with him? How long was the affair?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> she has shown no remorse and has insisted she is the victim


How did she justify? Can you detail more on how this unraveled?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> Cancel the counseling session (MC) until she wants to go - or just make it an individual session (IC) for yourself.



This is correct. Marriage counseling does not work if one of the spouse have no intention of honoring the marriage. 

Even if she goes, but she's still seeing the other man (OM), then that's a waste of your time, money and emotions.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

1. You both need to be tested for STD's
2. Expose the affair to the OM's wife or girlfriend
3. See an attorney to understand your options
4. Being reasonable guy will not work and sends a message that you are weak. If the roles were reversed would your wife be the reasonable wife? I doubt it.
5. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.
6. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Let go of your fear. If you push her away and she does the other guy again, would it be any worse? 

Time to start reading up here.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Understanding guy? What part of her premeditated infidelity and destruction of your entire family are you trying to understand?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

hi.
I hate this.. I understand that you are trying to see the other side in this. I'm afraid there isn't another side for you. You have been pushed to one side.

She is not a victim. She has chosen to meet a guy in a bar To move forward she needs to take responsibility for her actions and be totally open to your questions.

The advice you are going to get here is counter intuitive and you are going to find it very hard to follow. 

1. Agree to NC ever again with her affair partner.
2. Total transparency on her phone, email, GPS on car. Anything you need to know.
3. Remorse. Not guilt.
4. DO not agree to any form of MC unless affair is over.

This is meant to protect you. False R is very, very damaging and must be avoided if your marriage has any chance at all. 

Right now. Your marriage is over as you knew it. 
Right Now. She has no respect for you
No more understanding. All definitive action now.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

ripped said:


> I'm scared to criticise her for anything in case she runs to the comfort of the lover.
> 
> I'm desperate for guidance and would do anything to have a happy family home for my kids.
> 
> Am i mad to think there is any future for us ?


Yes, there is hope for Reconciliation (R), however, and that is a big however, conditions have to be met. Everyone has given you great advice on how to accomplish this. SHE has to do the heavy lifting by meeting those requirements for R. 

DO NOT accept her excuses, she was not a victim and OM did not take advantage of her. She met someone in a bar? How long has she been doing this? You need to find this out if you want R. Usually this isn't the first time and often times, this is only the tip of the iceberg. It's called Trickle Truth (TT). 

You also need to lose this fear of losing her. If she runs to the OM for comfort, then you know all you need to know about her. Like Ing said, the old marriage is dead. You also need to get tested for STDs, especially if she's been with a man who picks up and bangs chicks he meets at bars. Also be careful if she suddenly says she's pregnant. You will have to have a paternity test done. 

MC is not some magical pill that will end the affair and fix the marriage like so many people seem to think it is. MC is useless until the affair is over and the WS is completely remorseful and gives 100% effort to save the marriage. Otherwise you're wasting money and time.

Yours is the typical BH story here, except you failed to mention that your WW is hot and incredibly attractive and sexy.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

ripped said:


> after nearly 20 years together i've found out my partner has cheated on me, not an impulse thing but a premeditated tryst set up by her with someone she met in a bar.
> Its now 1 week since i found out and she has shown no remorse and has insisted she is the victim. We have 2 young kids, beautiful innocent boys who love their mum and dad. We have booked a counselling session with marriage guidance for this week but i'm not hopeful their is any way out.. if she hasn't shown remorse, how can we move on? I'm scared to criticise her for anything in case she runs to the comfort of the lover.
> 
> I'm desperate for guidance and would do anything to have a happy family home for my kids.
> ...


You are acting out of fear right now. It may feel right to not critisize her. But it is the opposite of what you need to do. She shows no remorse because she has lost respect for you. You need to take that back. Use the counseling appointment to wake her up. First file for divorce, separate all finances. Expose the affair to friends and family. If you can kick her a$$ out. She needs a taste of reality to wake her from her fog. 

READ other threads. Compare those who take a stand for their marriage and self respect.

Then see how begging, pleading, crying works. It doesn't. This other guy has already diked your wife. Is he married? Then do the 180.


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## Sindo (Oct 29, 2011)

Initfortheduration said:


> Then see how begging, pleading, crying works. It doesn't. This other guy has already diked your wife. Is he married? Then do the 180.


I'd say do the 180 whether he's married or not. Don't think it really makes a difference. Read up on it.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

ripped said:


> premeditated tryst set up by her with someone she met in a bar.


F***ing married women in bars. I'll never escape this.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

ripped said:


> I'm scared to criticise her for anything in case she runs to the comfort of the lover.


This is your weakness and will make you sabotage yourself. NEVER be afraid of being alone or to dump them if you have to. 99% of the time when you kick them to the curb they are not able to handle the rejection from you and end up begging to come back. I've yet to see a WS "run the their lover" when dumped by the BS (I have seen them go to them ONLY because they didn't have any other options so not willingly anyway). 

If that's what she really wanted to do she would have already done it. 



> I'm so mixed up , i'm trying the "understanding guy" and the total lack of remorse is destroying me, so i'll take your "don't care" advice and see how it goes.


Yea, being "understanding" is just another word for "enabling" when it come to affairs. The best responses tend to be more on the anger side, after all she just stabbed you in the back and showed you that she no longer respects you, why would you "understand" that. You are the victim, not her. She went out of her way to cheat for her own selfish reasons that had NOTHING to do with you. This isn't your fault, she had a million other options to deal with whatever issues she had and she CHOOSE to screw around on you.

You can't just roll over and let her get away with it, there has to be consequences or she will think you are spineless and that she can cheat again since you won't protect yourself from her. What she did was grounds for a divorce, let her know that and let her know that may be where you are heading. 

If someone robs a bank, you don't let them off the hook just because they say they are sorry and won't do it again. They never should have done it in the first place and if you let them go they might do it again since they know how to talk themselves out of getting in trouble.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

ing said:


> hi.
> I hate this.. I understand that you are trying to see the other side in this. I'm afraid there isn't another side for you. You have been pushed to one side.
> 
> She is not a victim. She has chosen to meet a guy in a bar To move forward she needs to take responsibility for her actions and be totally open to your questions.
> ...


This is great advice....I would however add one item to the top of the list.


#1: TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!

You are so emotionally compromised right now that I would be surprised if you have had a full nights sleep since d-day. You are probably sinking fast physically and emotionally. You have to put the breaks on this and detach yourself from the situation.

This is easier said than done...but it is so critical. Understand that you are living in a completely new reality. One that is forged in betrayal and lies....you have to detach. 

Don't believe a word she says without verification.


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## KatiezMomma (Nov 17, 2011)

I could have written your post myself, I am in the exact same place with my WH except we are seperating because he sees a future with her. I tried so hard to be exactly what he wanted then I realized how foolish it must look. Its a hard realization that you love your spouse who has just taken everything and destroyed it more than you love yourself. How can you love someone who has just shown you exactly what you are worth to them? I know its heartbreaking.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

ripped said:


> Thanks for the reply. I'm so mixed up , i'm trying the "understanding guy" and the total lack of remorse is destroying me, so i'll take your "don't care" advice and see how it goes.


Do not be understanding - that in fact will help justify her cheating, and make you look weak and very unattractive.

Until she ends it, and shows remorse you marriage cannot begin to get remade.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

ripped, I understand about the wanting to be understanding part. That was me too, I thought "my W must be really damaged and hurt if she had to seek this out from someone else, and I must be the cause somehow". I wanted her to feel respected and attractive by me, like I always have wanted... that lack of remorse you see in her makes this whole thing seem so difficult to cope with, not knowing how to work through the problem - that's because you haven't recognized yet that her action was a form of abuse to you, you did not cause her to act out, she chose to act out and has caused the damage to the relationship and to your self-esteem. If she loved you she would feel remorse for the pain she is causing, yet here YOU are being remorseful for your behavior while you haven't done anything wrong (atleast nothing near the same scale of destruction to your relationship). I am coming to realize that a cheating spouse, specifically a remorseless one, is incapable of understanding what exactly love means.


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## ripped (Nov 20, 2011)

Thanks everyone for the replies.
We went to counselling and no surprises, she made herself out to be the victim in the whole thing. I was made out to be a monster etc etc.. Anyway she has said she made a mistake and wants to rebuild our relationship. I'm not 100% convinced TBH but although I want to rebuild and keep our family together, I feel stronger mentally and intend to put as much emphasis on rebuilding myself as on rebuilding "us". I will be in a far better state to deal with the situation if it where to reoccur.

Thanks again for the comments, some where hard to take but appreciated just the same.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She made you out to be a monster, then what did you do? What did the counselor say about that? Please elaborate since this doesn't sound good at all.

And,how on earth is she the victim?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

chapparal said:


> And,how on earth is she the victim?


Probably the typical wayward excuses like he's been emotionally distant and closed off from her so she's been so lonely and suffering all these years, emotionally abusing her, starving her of attention and affection, etc, etc, etc. You know, the typical monster that BHs are made out to be. That would be my guess.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So if she is to be allowed back into the marriage after her cheating, who is she going to comply with being open like a book at all times so that you can verify what's going on.

Looking back at what she did, what are you going to require her to change in order to prevent a similar situation again?

For starters:

1. She her phone must be open and available to you at anytime
2. No more bars. none.
3. No male friends, especially ones that are "just friends"
4. She goes and gets STD tested now, and HIV tested in 6 months
5. If they are allowed where you live - she signs a postnup giving you custody of the kids and 70% of the marital assets if she cheats again.
6. If she is caught contact him, she leaves the house and doesn't come back.
7. She takes a polygraph test to verify that she has come clean about her cheating now,and in the past.

Frankly, she sounds like someone who has done this before.


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## RelationshipCoach (Nov 7, 2011)

First off, I am so sorry that this has happened to you. This is not something you ever could have prepared you for and yes, you're heart has been ripped out and you have a right to feel any emotions you are feeling right now. 

All you can do right now is step back and see what happens with her to see what she wants to do with the situation that she has created. 

You also have the decision to do what you want to do with the situation she has created. You mentioned you want to make the marriage work, so you can sit there and wait to see if she wants to end the marriage or not. 

It's best to take care of yourself by getting an STD test and getting the emotional help you need as well. This will be a long road of recovery no matter what results from this... 
You'll feel a lot emotions and many of them will be going on inside of you all at the same time. You'll want to leave but then you'll want to stay - you'll want to know why and you'll not want to know why - it's going to be crazy - so you'll need someone to understand. This is a great place to start and it also helps to have a professional. 

Let me know if you need any help! I'll be around here too...Good luck!
Marcelina - Relationship Repair Coach


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