# Telling My Daughter About Mom's Part in Our Breakup



## Jayg14

For some that know my story, my wife and I divorcing. We are being amicable about it. Very amicable. 

We are both at fault. I was lazy as a husband but she had an emotional affair with a man she reconnected with from HS. In talking, I learned she had checked out of the marriage well before I found out about the EA but rather than divorce me, her plan was to cheat and leave at some point. She also cheated on the man she dated before me (not with me, she hooked up with a guy on a vacation, but according to her the relationship was over, she just didn't dump him yet). 

While I don't wish to badmouth my STBX or make her look bad in my daughter's eyes, I do wish to convey that how my STBX handled things is not the right way to conduct yourself. How should I do this?

My daughter is 3, and this is a conversation that of course I am going to have later, but I also have an 11-year-old son (from a college relationship) who would benefit from this knowledge as well.


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## Jayg14

The other thing I wish to convey to her is that we had communication issues. Mostly on her end it was non-communication and sometimes on mine is was yelling. That's the whole key, as a lot of what did our marriage in I didn't know of til it was over. So that's a lesson I want my daughter to have.


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## selfish

Telling your children anything bad about the other parent will only hurt the child and make them feel differently about the other parent. When they are teenagers and asking about relationship stuff, that's mainly the time you'd like to interpret the information you'd like to share. In your next relationship, SHOWING them how people should be treated, not yelling but how to communicate with partners is the best way to teach them. Practice what you preach, right?

My ex-husband so kindly told our children (at the time he told them, they were 4 & 10 yrs) I put him in jail. He of course lied to them about why he was put in jail but made me look like the bad person for having him arrested. I DID NOT share with my children that he hit me as this would make him look bad to his children, and that's the last thing I would do. It didn't hurt me that he told the children that, it hurt them to know that I would do something like that to their father. 

I know it can be hard to be amicable; especially when you are having a hard time with the break-up. Your children will appreciate it in 15 years!!! Good luck jbird669! I hope everything works out!


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## Thewife

I also believe that your daughter is too young to understand what you want to tell her. firstly you should discuss with your x on what you want to tell the kids (i know its hard as couples but can be easy as great parents) agree on it and tell them together. Keep it simple and tell them that we are still family and both of you will be there in her life and love her. Best not to portray the other parent as bad or cause as this will cause irreparable damage to the child's emotional well being as an adult.


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## papa5280

The child is 3. She has no clue about "how your STBX handled things". IMO, you don't want to tell her anything for her benefit, but because it will make you feel better.

Just stick with the positives about the future. At some point, the kids may ask you about it. If they do, then you can give them honest, but minimal answers. Otherwise, keep it to yourself. You'll damage your kids, not help them.


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## Mike188

I have been surprised at how much my marriage counselor suggests that I share with my oldest (15) or how much she OK's after the fact when I tell what what I have told him. Even though, some of the things she tells me that I should share with him kind of makes me cringe. It's almost too much.


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## 2yearsince

He said she was 3 and had no plans until later in life folks. I face the same situation, I will not say anything bad about my wife to them. We still have to raise them together. I have seen both sides as a child from my parents and my x-stepmothers. Anything negative will only have negative effects. Suck it up, they will learn in time what happend. Kids are much smarter than we think


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## CandieGirl

Tell her when she asks...and give age appropriate responses, for example, if she's in her 20's, she'll likely be able to handle the truth.

If she's 10, it'll need glossing over.


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## DesperateHouseWife

Kids don't need to know about what the other parent did weather 3 years old or 20 years old. Certain things are pravite & personal,and it's not for everyone to know. This isn't like your saying the New York lottery is xxxx million dollars. Talking bad about the parent makes the kids hate you. My father spoke very bad about my mom,and it turn out to be he was the bad person not my mom,and now my mom & I have a great relatioship vs I don't want nothing to do with my dad. Why have a big mouth? Kids don't need to know everything. By saying we felt out of love it's enough. Who cares if ex slept around or w.e. kids don't need to know that. Don't damage a child please!!!


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## Shaggy

While I would not tell a young child, certainly someone 16 or older are old enough to understand cheating. The BS owes nothing to the WS such as protecting their secrets and the selfish things they've done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## swedish

DesperateHouseWife said:


> Kids don't need to know about what the other parent did weather 3 years old or 20 years old. Certain things are pravite & personal,and it's not for everyone to know. This isn't like your saying the New York lottery is xxxx million dollars. Talking bad about the parent makes the kids hate you. My father spoke very bad about my mom,and it turn out to be he was the bad person not my mom,and now my mom & I have a great relatioship vs I don't want nothing to do with my dad. Why have a big mouth? Kids don't need to know everything. By saying we felt out of love it's enough. Who cares if ex slept around or w.e. kids don't need to know that. Don't damage a child please!!!


:iagree:

The best way to teach your children how to relate to others is by showing them the positive ways you relate to others.

Gossip (whether true or not) won't have any positive impact on them.


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## CandieGirl

Gossip? No. I'd rather have had the truth off my parents than have all the stupid skeletons emerging out of the closet now...


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## marksaysay

I may be in the minority but I hate it when people say infidelity is a private matter or adult business. Its FAMILY business if it affects the whole family. Everybody affected has the right to know. Its not slander it gossip. Its the truth. 

You do it in an age appropriate way but its just like telling a child about the death of a loved one. You don't hide it from them it wait til their old enough. You just tell them in a way they can understand. There doesn't have to be any gorey details but the truth should be told. I told my 8 yr old and don't regret it at all. What's better to hide the truth in order to protect the offender to later have resentment expressed when it comes out years later because the truth wasn't told?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DesperateHouseWife

Shaggy said:


> While I would not tell a young child, certainly someone 16 or older are old enough to understand cheating. The BS owes nothing to the WS such as protecting their secrets and the selfish things they've done.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*Nothing wrong with that people are entitile to pravacy. It's like if you got your period at 9 and you got a big stain on your dress. Everyone you meet in your life doesn't need to know about something that happen when you were 9. I'm sorry I don't agree with that. I feel everyone needs pravacy,and children no matter the age shouldn't think negative about the other parent because they made a mistake/error/had an affair weather they feel guilty about it or not or left the partner,and move with the other person. Doesn't matter. Kids should look at the parents like good people with morals,and values not like trash. Chidren view parents very different when they find out the mother/father cheated. I'm talking from personal experience. I didn't want my child knowing,but my child is a teenager,and since my hubby couldn't keep his mouth close this affected my wonderful relationship with my xxxx he was never close to xxxx but instead push xxxx away from me by saying this. We have over come this,and have the best relationship,and xxxx he's alone better with me then dad/my hubby. This made xxxx feel as if I was the worst person on the planet for hurting hubby,but xxxx now see why this happen,and of course know we are working out on the marriage,but if xxxx would have never know it woud had been better,cuz xxxx saw me as an angel,but now that changed even though we have the best relationship,but if he wanted to hurt me he sure did it to me really good,cuz I feel that pain deep in my heart telling my child a person I gave birth to,and raised for xx years,but what doesn't break me makes me stronger. *

Do as you please in the long run I guess the child has a mind of there own to see which parent is right/wrong or who they want to be with.


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## Mindful Coach

Don't do it. It's not your place to "confess" for your ex-wife. "We both made mistakes" is something your children will respect you for in the long run. Anything else, even if it's true will come back to hurt them and hurt you. 

Please, seriously reflect on your motives for even thinking about going there with your children. The answer is probably going to boil down to be to make yourself look better in their eyes and that won't work. All you will do is hurt everyone involved, for what? So they don't make the same mistake? Honestly, there is a better way to teach them that without making their own mother the example.


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## DesperateHouseWife

marksaysay said:


> I may be in the minority but I hate it when people say infidelity is a private matter or adult business.*It is* Its FAMILY business if it affects the whole family. *How do you figure this? It affects the partner you hurt unless you have to get DNA testing,and such then it becomes a family matter,but in the family not for the entire world to know.* Everybody affected has the right to know. Its not slander it gossip. Its the truth. <----*Only with the person that was cheated on.*
> 
> You do it in an age appropriate way but its just like telling a child about the death of a loved one. *Totally different story you can't control someone dying.* You don't hide it from them it wait til their old enough. You just tell them in a way they can understand. There doesn't have to be any gorey details but the truth should be told. I told my 8 yr old and don't regret it at all. *How did they feel about this? I'm sure they weren't laughing,and jumping from joy,and view the other person differently.* What's better to hide the truth in order to protect the offender to later have resentment expressed when it comes out years later because the truth wasn't told?*Only this happen when people open there mouth. If no one ever says anything how does it come out years later?*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marksaysay

It affects the whole family when it results in divorce and a broken home. I'm not saying there may not have been other issues in the marriage, but most of the time, my situation included, the problems in the marriage didn't result in divorce. The infidelity did. If the problems were that bad, then why wasn't there a divorce before the infidelity?

Its the truth to everybody. If someone were to tell everybody on earth, it would still be the truth, husband/wife cheated.

True about controlling someone dying but its also true about some cheating. You can't control that either. My daughter wasn't bothered when I told her. She asked a couple of questions then said, "can we play my game?"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DesperateHouseWife

Why is there no divorce after infidelity?


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## Cooper

Regardless of who did what and who is right or wrong there is two sides to a divorce. If you tell the kids all the nasty details from your perspective and they question their other parent they may get the same details (unlikely though) but the story will have a much different spin. Then you have a confused child trying to figure out which parent is lying, or which parent was the BAD person in the marriage, or the one that really ticks me off is a child being used as a chess piece between to waring adults. 

I don't believe for one second that your goal is to teach your kids communication by telling them "mom and I didn't communicate well so she had an affair and ruined our family", even if you dont say it like that that's likely what the kids will hear . That's not the approach a nurturing parent uses, that's the approach a person uses to try and cause pain to the ex, the problem is that bullet will ricochet and hit the kids, and then probably come back and hit you as well.

For the record my ex wife cheated during our marriage and that was the catalyst for our divorce, I will never justify what she did but I will never share those details with the children either. I would love to hear someone explain what possible positive outcome could ever come from that conversation. 

Do you hate your ex so much that you're willing to cause even more pain to your children just to make your ex look bad?


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## marksaysay

Cooper said:


> For the record my ex wife cheated during our marriage and that was the catalyst for our divorce, I will never justify what she did but I will never share those details with the children either. I would love to hear someone explain what possible positive outcome could ever come from that conversation.
> 
> Do you hate your ex so much that you're willing to cause even more pain to your children just to make your ex look bad?


The possible positive outcome is that you teach your child about how wrong adultery is and how it causes broken families and so much devastation. You teach them to tell the truth no matter how much or who it hurts. You teach them it's never right to hide things.

And NO, I do not hate my wife and I know our child doesn't hate her either. I hate that she's chosen to live in adultery. I hate she pursues her own selfish desires rather than that of our child or our family. I hate that she's blaming me for the bad choices she's making.

What I've learned is children can deal with the truth but have a hard time dealing with lies. To hide the truth is the same as lieing. It will do nothing but cause problems down the road. It will teach your children that it's okay to hide the truth since mommy and daddy did it.


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## Mindful Coach

More likely the possible outcome is "Mommy did it, so it will be okay for me to do it" That is the majority of thinking with children.

Children relate themselves very deeply to their mothers no matter what anyone else will have to say to them. It is in your best interest and your child's best interest to not go there.

Not a SINGLE child in counseling sessions have ever said they were grateful that their parent shared any sort of negative information about their other parent in any way shape or form. It's just the opposite, it creates deep pain for them that comes out in some pretty serious issues. 

It's up to your wife to confess her indiscretions and talk to your children about it, and that time WILL come at some point in time or another when the child is old enough to start connecting the dots on their own. They typically will do this as an older teen, younger adult. When you allow it to happen naturally, that is when the child will be ready to hear the full story and the best story you can give them is, "You need to ask your mother about her own part of the divorce". Anything else will create feelings or resentment towards you no matter how well worded or sympathetic you sound about it.

Not telling is not lying. I'm sure there are tons of things you don't tell your child about yourself. "Things didn't work out, but we both love you" is not a lie and it's all a child needs to hear until they are ready to ask questions on their own.

I would strongly suggest contacting a variety of therapists that work directly with children and ask for their expert opinions. Your child's emotional health and well being is at stake.


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## Tall Average Guy

Mindful Coach said:


> More likely the possible outcome is "Mommy did it, so it will be okay for me to do it" That is the majority of thinking with children.
> 
> Children relate themselves very deeply to their mothers no matter what anyone else will have to say to them. It is in your best interest and your child's best interest to not go there.
> 
> Not a SINGLE child in counseling sessions have ever said they were grateful that their parent shared any sort of negative information about their other parent in any way shape or form. It's just the opposite, it creates deep pain for them that comes out in some pretty serious issues.
> 
> It's up to your wife to confess her indiscretions and talk to your children about it, and that time WILL come at some point in time or another when the child is old enough to start connecting the dots on their own. They typically will do this as an older teen, younger adult. When you allow it to happen naturally, that is when the child will be ready to hear the full story and the best story you can give them is, "You need to ask your mother about her own part of the divorce". Anything else will create feelings or resentment towards you no matter how well worded or sympathetic you sound about it.
> 
> Not telling is not lying. I'm sure there are tons of things you don't tell your child about yourself. "Things didn't work out, but we both love you" is not a lie and it's all a child needs to hear until they are ready to ask questions on their own.
> 
> I would strongly suggest contacting a variety of therapists that work directly with children and ask for their expert opinions. Your child's emotional health and well being is at stake.


While I generally agree with this, it does assume that the mother will actually be honest about her part in the divorce. Some people don't, and in fact are all to willing to shift the blame. The OP should not start out looking to cast any blame, but when asked, should be sure to find out to how ex-wife answered. If she is telling lies, he needs to be prepared to calmly correct them.


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## borninapril

There is no real good answer here to this question. If you don't say anything the child will want to know and if you do say anything you risk upsetting the child. 

It's something that has come up with my 12 year old stepson recently. Well not really recently, he's never really understood why his Mother and Father divorced and kind of wanted them back together (though they separated and divorced when he was 2 and his Mother and I have been together since right before he was three). But recently he's been really aggressive in his questioning of why they divorced. His Mother told him it was because of his Father's workaholic nature (when his son was born he was working four jobs) and his drinking. She didn't mention that having two small children and a husband that was never there lead her to cheat, which caused his drinking to escalate to the point of divorce. Now I got caught in the middle several weeks later when her Ex Husband dropped the kids off and told me that we needed to watch what we said in front of the kids because his son didn't like the hair cut he had gotten a week prior because "we" said something about it. Which led me to asking if they had had words about something recently because I didn't remember saying anything about the haircut but did remember saying right before he got his hair cut that he was about due for one.

Anyway, damned if you do and damned if you don't.


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## Jayg14

Mindful Coach said:


> More likely the possible outcome is "Mommy did it, so it will be okay for me to do it" That is the majority of thinking with children.


This is what I want to avoid with my daughter. I don't want her to think it's okay. Her mom has run from every major thing that's happened in her life. In this case, she didn't like where the marriage was. Rather, she let it stew until she reconnected with a man that she knew from HS whose marriage was also ending and had an emotional affair that by my STBX's admission would've turned physical had I not caught her. This isn't how a person acts. One poster said to have kids look at their parents are moral people. Well this behavior isn't one of morals.


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## anotherguy

Ugh. I cant imagine a worse thing to consider.

Its an emotional minefield for you and (I have seen this) it is very, very hard, if not impossible to keep a lid on your internal ego. (is ego the right word?). Casting blame does no good really I believe and it will try and leak out, as will other things.. things you may not even intend.

Concentrate on the child. Its not about her being told that its 'ok'. The important part is that she be assured that she is loved by both of you and that you are always going to be there for her and that you know it is confusing for her. The temptation to illustrate life lessons here is I think overwhelming but I believe it is not the message you want to communicate first. Love first, keep it simple. Later, much later, when she is older, *maybe* you can have other conversations about causes and behaviors and all the other things you may need to say from your perspective. This isnt about hiding the truth, it is about creating a managable first step for a little one. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for - but even adults - as you painfully know - have a hard time processing something this broad, devestating and partly inexplicable.

I suggest writing down what you want to say and let someone else that you trust, respect, admire, review it. Someone you look up to for their wisdom. Someone older perhaps. You may be surprised at the little things independant eyes will pick up and the process of back and forth will help clarify, hopefully, what is important in the message. When your mind is calm it will be easier. If you wing it, you may wander into where you need not go.


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