# How do you explain to the cheater how much it hurt?



## The bubblerum (Oct 28, 2013)

I do not think my wife understands how utterly destroyed I am. She actually said stop focusing on the past move forward .

I am moving forward but so far, unless she can emphasize a little, not with her.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Ask her how come it is so easy for her to forget what she did.

Ask her how you can be sure she won't do "that" again if she feels no remorse.

Ask her if she has heard about concepts like "pride" and "dignity".


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## tierzastarr (Jan 28, 2011)

Here are two things that might help her understand a little. Feel free to print them out and give them to her.


The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand. YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.
Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.
You can be a positive influence on their recovery.
Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 – THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 – WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.
An expression of your love.
An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.
An admission that you caused their pain.
An expression of your sense of shame.
A promise that it will never happen again
Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 – SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!

_________________


"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened during that weekend, and everything that happened afterwards.

I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't she know by now that I love her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is will affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important.

Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe your actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

to be honest is impossible, there have been many users here that have had the same problem as you, WS can emphatize with you, and understand that you are in real pain, but they don't understand tha you even have physical reactions for their betrayal.

There is a way but nobody here really support it, because it can destroy the marriage and is ethically wrong, but i know of many people who have done it (especially when is the woman is WS) and have worked.

the revenge affair 

a little bunch of users here have used it. more than an affair, they did a ONS.

I rememeber the case of one user (I will look the name of the user if you really want it) where his wife still wanted to have both he and the OM so she suggested to have a kind of open marriage thinking that he will reject the offer a let her keep seing the OM.

He was a strict monogamous but he accepted (he described how he thought her wife probably was figuring that it will not be easy for him find a stranger to have sex. she was wrong) he entered in ****** maddison and hooked with a women in her late 20's (both of them were in their early 40's) the first time he returned from his encounter he said his wife put a strong front, but the second time she cried and begged him to stop.


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## The bubblerum (Oct 28, 2013)

Thanks for the responses, this would be easier if I could sleep, I have not gotten more than 2 hours a day for 4 days.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Tell them every damn feeling and negative thought, as long as it takes, smother them with it and then realise that they'll never feel what they put you through.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

you also should read this thread, this have alot useful information about affairs, and reconcilation, make sure your wife read it too, so she can understand what she needs to do to help you heal

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

The bubblerum said:


> I do not think my wife understands how utterly destroyed I am. She actually said stop focusing on the past move forward .
> 
> I am moving forward but so far, unless she can emphasize a little, not with her.


The just move forward.... Yeah that is so they don't have to feel guilty. Brother, I am sorry you are here. If she doesn't stop and realize her actions have been extremely devastating, she needs to go. She is just 'rugsweeping', acting like it was no big deal. She doesn't give a damn about you. There is a cure for that. Draw up divorce papers and show her the door. If she still doesn't get it, follow through.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*My XW will never take ownership for her adultery. Even when confronted with the evidence of her actions. 

When she gets a copy of her disclosure letter once that all of my belongings are finally removed from our former home, it will close with something to the effect of: *

*"I know that you will never walk so low down into the valley of despair to ever offer an apology for your sordid covert actions to me, your loving, trusting husband who simply adored you beyond measure! If you ever do, I promise that I will forgive you, but I will never ever forget.

But also rest assured that one day after you've left this world, if you have never truly sought that foregiveness here on earth, that you will be asked by God to give a full accounting of not only your infidelities against me or others, but the many outright lies, half-truths, and trickle-truths that you've so unflinchingly told to your family and friends about us in order to greatly justify or hide your actions. Do not be surprised that you may have a much tougher time convincing Him rather than your earthly cohorts!

If you do ask me for forgiveness, rest assured that it will be granted! But if you choose to live in firm denial of the absolute truth, then you alone are subjecting yourself to the living hell of being a coward from that truth and I'll trust in the Heavenly Father's judgment of your both your and my actions, to see whose more exactly resembles the truth.

I love you for who you were and for the love and the many courtesies that you granted to me and my sons. But I can only hope that you will ultimately find it within your heart to love yourself enough to come clean with the truth, to not only me, but to everyone else that you have chosen to brazenly misrepresent the truth to, albeit overt or covert, including God!

My conscience is clear. I can only pray that yours will be the same! I wish you well, my dear!"*


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

The bubblerum said:


> I do not think my wife understands how utterly destroyed I am. She actually said stop focusing on the past move forward .
> 
> I am moving forward but so far, unless she can emphasize a little, not with her.


Bubble: It's not clear from your posts if you are looking for a full reveal from your W about the affair, some genuine expression of remorse or commitment never to cheat again (or all three), but in any case you can't more forward unless you know what you are moving forward *from*, and you can't really forgive unless you know *what* you are forgiving. If you have unanswered questions or unmet needs that are keeping you from moving forward you have to make this unambiguously clear to your WW. Do so in a letter (or a TAM post that you can show her) if she will not engage face to face.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

How would she feel if you had an affair?


And how does she fix your heart after she ripped it out of your chest and threw it in the fire? How will she fix that?

It will take years, but you will never forgot. She will need to be remorseful, give you a timeline of the affair, go to counseling to see what is wrong with her to do this to you and never contact the affair partner again.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

The bubblerum said:


> *How do you explain to the cheater how much it hurt?*
> I do not think my wife understands how utterly destroyed I am. She actually said stop focusing on the past move forward .
> I am moving forward but so far, unless she can emphasize a little, not with her.


BR, you won't be able to explain it to WS. None of us BS can explain it to WS. That's why revenge affairs happen - to make them see what it feels like. 
If we have to explain it to them, it shows they are naturally without empathy which is why they were able to have an A in the first place. 

Here's a thought. Have a 'pretend' month. Pretend to yourself that she is not there. Start living as IF you were on your own without her. Don't tell her of course and be polite at all times but do your own thing. If you are confined at home because of your medical issue, maybe brush up your cooking skills and cooks some interesting stuff. I noticed you did a fictional piece as a post, describing the betrayal. It was very good. What about some creative writing? It is very therapeutic. Do you get my drift? Start creating some interests for yourself that don't involve her. Join forums like this on the net on things that interest you - good friends can be made that way. I think you might be surprised if you practice living without her in your life for a few weeks. It would be doing a type of 180. Forget this woman who dragged you down into the mire for a while and start living again. 

If you two don't work out and D, you will be better prepared. If you stay and do R it can only be good for you. Funny when we want people to take notice of us the best way to do it is to ignore them which is what 180 is. All the talking in the world doesn't seem to make much difference to WS, in fact the more we talk about it the more they don't listen or 'get it' imo. They just tune out and privately think we should have gotten over it by now. 

I think we all give our WS far too much attention! Stuff them!

Just an idea! Better to try something, anything that doesn't involve them at all!


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Have her read this link .... 

Read more at: Infidelity causes severe trauma, but it's not your fault
Copyright © www.healingafteraffiars-bloomington.info


~sammy

Shocked my hubs after 2.5 years of me trying to explain myself.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

The bubblerum said:


> ..... stop focusing on the past move forward ......


You have to luv 'em don't you

Yeah she's right bubble move forward



.......without her


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

sammy3 said:


> Have her read this link ....
> 
> Read more at: Infidelity causes severe trauma, but it's not your fault
> Copyright © www.healingafteraffiars-bloomington.info
> ...


*Absolutely fantastic article! Probably one of the very best assessments of the BS that I've ever had the opportunity to read!*


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Thanks JohnAdams! I will do. 

~sammy


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

The bubblerum said:


> I do not think my wife understands how utterly destroyed I am. She actually said stop focusing on the past move forward .
> 
> I am moving forward but so far, unless she can emphasize a little, not with her.



At some point, if the reconciliation is real, she will be able to empathize with you. 

She also needs to be brutally honest with herself and you, and she needs to volunteer to be an open book going forward. 

If she was a girl's night or girl's only trip type, she needs to willingly stop these. 

I don't know how long ago the affair occurred but it could take about six months for her to wake up to the reality of the pain she caused you. 

For the first six months the person MAY, and I don't know your entire situation, MAY be lying in the mistaken belief that she is preventing you further pain. 

They may not want to be an open book with cells or computers because they fear they failed to delete something hurtful you might find. 

You have gotten other excellent advice hear regarding websites to visit and books to have her read. 

At some point though you do need to let it go and move on, if you hope to have a good marriage going forward. 

Also, regarding an revenge affair, ask her to think about how she would feel were you to have one. 

Also, and this is important, ask her if she will forgive you if you have one. The answer should be YES, without equivocation. 

With that said, typically a revenge affair throws another bomb into an already ailing relationship. 

IMO, the first choice should be addressing weaknesses in the marriage, If she is still un-empathetic, divorce or separation might work. 

Also, with revenge affairs, not all people who have cheated are as forgiving as I would be. 

A lot of disloyal spouses divorce their spouse after a revenge affair because it feels as if the marriage is hopelessly broken.


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## The bubblerum (Oct 28, 2013)

The affair was one month and sex 4 times, she actively sought out her boyfriend she had before me only for the sex. As she stated in anger over me asking why she sought him out she said, " I thought I should have a little fun in my life!" she is trying to protect me, she thinks answering my questions will not help me, I told her she does not get to determine what helps me or not. She also called me a sicko. but, gives in everytime and tells me. I wish I could confront the OM but she has deleted his number as well as all her social sites info. When I sent him a message on facebook he removed his account. So, I cannot find him. She claims she cannot either. I guess in july she decided to meet up with old high school friends for lunch and she hoped he would come and thats were they met. She said first time was aug 3 and then 3 times after that. she ended it completely in september. I knew about it aug 3rd. she sucks at lying, always have. I think my biggest mistake was forgiving her right away. See I had a while to process what I wanted and when she told me finally, I rolled over and rug swept it all. I did all she ever wanted from me from septer to oct 25th. all she did was "be here". Now that I have filed papers told herI am moving on, if she wants to join me in the future she needs to be in the game. She has since been a bit better. Still not talking much. Sent her some things to help her understand what is going on. Now I wait and see. In the meantime, I got a daughter who made the 7th grade BBall team and I practice with her nightly. My youngest and I play games together. The teenager and me are going hunting in a week.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

_Now that I have filed papers told herI am moving on, if she wants to join me in the future she needs to be in the game. She has since been a bit better. Still not talking much. Sent her some things to help her understand what is going on. Now I wait and see. In the meantime, I got a daughter who made the 7th grade BBall team and I practice with her nightly. My youngest and I play games together. The teenager and me are going hunting in a week. _

Good work, Bubble, and good luck to you.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

The bubblerum said:


> I do not think my wife understands how utterly destroyed I am. She actually said stop focusing on the past move forward .


She doesn't go far enough to try to understand, she doesn't care. If she cared enough she'd understand.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Why don't you ask your wife how she would be feeling if the roles had been reversed? I hope you got tested for STD's.

Her excuse was she deserved a little fun?........That would be a reason to divorce her immediately. It shows that she has a total broken moral compass and could care less how her actions destroys you. You are very wise to divorce her. What is her reaction to the divorce? Did you think she gets it now?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

This...

'Joseph's Letter' 

This is a post by Joseph, a member of the now defunct BAN Message Board. He wrote to this letter to his wife to explain why he asked for details of her affair.


To Whomever,

I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly.

No one wants to be forced to 'look' at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn’t mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn’t he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I’m going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge.

You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you’re carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the 'STUFF' to figure out OUR reality. There isn’t really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don’t have.

Now let’s enter my reality. Let’s both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down.

To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever 'feel' complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are.

When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don’t worry about it, it’s not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don’t worry about it, it’s not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what’s the difference, it’s not important.

Then later when I’m expected to understand the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it.

You wonder why I can’t just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don’t you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart.

I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together.

It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can’t and the reason I can’t is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Placeholder for the doubletrouble post. Imho the most powerful words i have readhere.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

This was a post by Doubletrouble. IMHO the most powerful words I have ever read here in the 11 months I have been here.

Credit Doubletrouble

I can tell you a few things about that from a male BS standpoint. 

Echoing what wl just said, you cannot say you're sorry often enough. Keep saying it. AND follow up with real change, real actions. 

The mind movies of her being with another man are something that runs through my head EVERY DAY. Every day when I see the same model car, hear his name randomly on the radio or during my business day, and other triggers I won't go into for various reasons... they all put my mind back in that bed, with her naked and wet, him naked and hard, taking what was supposed to be mine. She gave it willingly, thoroughly, completely, and then wrote to him what it was like to be in such a realtionship where she loved him so much. 

At that point with her I had NOTHING of what I thought I did. I was oblivious at the time, and she never told me. I had to find out. They did it in OUR bed, and since I was traveling at the time, I arrived the next day. His sperm wasn't even dead inside her before she accepted mine as well. That bites, in ways I can't even describe. It's the biggest betrayal, the biggest hit on my manhood and sexuality, as a provider and ALL the roles I take on as head of the family. That guy came in and stole it all... no, she gave it all to him in those moments. 

And it's not just the moments of sex, which are bad enough. To know what was being said between the two of them, and knowing he was married anyway, so just grabbing a free piece of ass at MY expense -- it's utter destruction of my heart. 

I could write on and on, because it goes on and on, but maybe that can give you a flavor of what you've done to your husband in those moments of gonad-driven stupidity and utter irresponsibility. You should be ashamed, you should be contrite, you should apologize over and over, and you must do all the heavy lifting because it was your CHOICE to spread 'em for some strange. 

And I tell her: I hope it was worth it.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

The bubblerum said:


> I do not think my wife understands how utterly destroyed I am. She actually said stop focusing on the past move forward .
> 
> I am moving forward but so far, unless she can emphasize a little, not with her.


Dude I don't think this is something you can explain.. I think they either get it or don't..

I have a friend that strayed and it was in a odd way.. It was an S&M thing.. 

But regardless this was about 8 years ago.. He is still transparent till this day.. 

My STBXW didn't care because she really didn't care.. 

Your wife might not care ATM, but 8 months from now might suddenly have this epiphany and get it. 

I would hope you guys are going to counseling..


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## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

They will never get it. They don't care how we feel. I could cut my fingers off one by one in front of her to show how much it hurts and she would just say stop being silly.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

v8crazy said:


> They will never get it. They don't care how we feel. I could cut my fingers off one by one in front of her to show how much it hurts and she would just say stop being silly.


Sometimes they do end up getting it, though. But it often seems like it takes some kind of "third party" input to make them see. This could be a book, counseling, Joseph's letter, or a TAM thread by their BS. In my case W has said she really didn't understand how I felt (despite literally years of trying on my part) until I showed her my original TAM thread and (most importantly) the responses to it. I guess I am more persuasive in writing than I am verbally. Point is to keep trying in different ways to make them understand. If you keep repeating the same thing over and over they'll become numb to it, but to make them see the effect of their actions through other eyes could result in a breakthrough.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Weighlifter, women feel your pain the same...and often told, "it was only sex"

The WW's just have no idea... 

~sammy

I'm trying so hard to let go of the pain.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

tierzastarr has it right in their post. Cant find anything that expalins it to an offender like that script.

As for the Thoght we'd moved on from thta, isnt it time we just focused on the future, why are you putting yourself through this you must move on, I dont think we need to keep hurting each other like this statements which actually mean one simple statement. "I dont want to talk about the fact that youve found out I betrayed you because Ill have to answer for the crime. Lets hide it so I can stop feeling guilty".

Fact is, it ISNT up to tem when your ready to move forward, it up to you. And when your time is right is when they can stop feeling guilty and wanting to hide their dirty little secret. 
Dont be pushed about and belittled. This is where you take the control handle and make the decisons. They need to know that and if it upsets them - hard luck! If they cant handle the problem with being found out in their betrayl then they should not have got into the situation.

take your time and recover when you feel its time to recover.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

She sought out someone outside of your marriage for sex and you are the sicko.

She wants to rug sweep her no big deal affair since it was just fun

She is not protecting you. Not at all. She is covering her a$$ and protecting her treasure memory of her affair. 

I would move forward also but not with her. 

She will never understand your pain because it has not happened to her. Even a revenge affair is not the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

The words that explain how much it hurts have not been invented yet.


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## The bubblerum (Oct 28, 2013)

caught her deleting text messages, but they were ones from a friend I know. Still I had told her no deleting messages. When I asked what were they about she got defensive then said they were about me and not nice. I asked her if she is bad talking me to her friend she said no, her friend is bad talking me. So, great she has a friend who hates me, knows she cheated on me, yet, still thinks I am scum. My WW is not winning any points lately. But, I am going hunting with my boys in 3 days. I can pretend she is an Elk and blow its brains out.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

If I kick the OM in the balls he might get an idea


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## Self Help (Oct 22, 2013)

I feel your pain! Hard to focusing on the past when the pain is still there. Most cheaters cannot understand this concept because they believe that you are the reason they cheated. It's your fault so you should just get over it.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Oh and btw the car DT talks about triggering him.

DIRT common.

Yikes.

Why oh why could the azzh0le not drive a Pontiac Aztec?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Well at least you have positively identified a toxic friend that your wife needs to get rid of. 

Would she want you to be friends with people who talked sh!t about her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

The quick answer to your question: you can't.

No matter how compassionate and how much empathy a person may be capable of, I don't believe that anyone who hasn't been in our shoes can fully understand the depth of our pain. A betrayed spouse experiences a unique kind of grief AND trauma, an ordeal which is something we can't possibly explain to someone who hasn't been where we've been.

Having said that, I agree with the idea of trying various methods and see if some of them might "get through" so the wayward can get an idea of what we're experiencing. I too agree with the idea of buying the short book How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald - it's a "how to" manual, and an easy read. (I highlighted passages and gave it to my WS to read the parts that I felt really pertained to our situation.)

But in the early weeks after D-Day, the fog is still thick, so it's harder to get through. They're still prone to fall back into defensive mode then - and listening is not their strong suit. "Discussions" about the affair often don't go well. 

As time goes by, if reconciliation is in the cards, they soften and are open to empathy. Then they can start to try to walk a mile in your moccasins. But bear in mind, it will only ever be an attempt. We then give them credit for realizing "it must feel awful" and "I'm the one who made you feel so bad" and so on. BUT they will never truly understand how deep the pain of betrayal is. It's best to accept this - you cannot expect a wayward to understand the kind of pain that you have experienced. Guilt and shame may feel really, really bad - but they don't even come close to having your heart ripped out, being betrayed by the one you trusted and loved more than anyone else.

WE know how you feel, though. (Wish I didn't.)


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