# My Sad Story



## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

I have been reading these threads for a week now and although I know what I should be doing, the question is how to I get there? 
Here is my story:
I'm 44 & my wife is 48. We have been married 19 years and are best friends. I thought we had a great marriage overall, but things changed drastically a few weeks ago. We got into an argument and I mentioned a separation. I think I did it more as a threat, which backfired. She wholeheartedly agreed and it was like a switch went off in her head. Her whole attitude changed. She said she didn't love me anymore and has not been overly happy for the past couple of years. It hit me like a brick, she was so caring before. I honestly thought our marriage was good. I told her we could work on our marriage and any issues we have. She said she is tired and is past that point. We are separating, but she says divorce is the long term answer and won't agree to therapy or anything. Right now, she said she needs her "space". It's hard for me to understand how you can be best friends and spend all your extra time with someone, tell them you love them one day and then bam, move on and become so disconnected. In her defense, she says when she is nice or sympathetic, I take it the wrong way. She travels a lot for work so she has been out of town for a week. We used to text or talk several times a day when she traveled, but now she will only text or call if I beg her. Today I texted her and asked her to call me. She did and when I talked to her she seemed happy and was shopping? Shopping? I can't even get out of bed I'm so distraught. I ended by saying I loved her and she said "OK" which has been the norm. I have done all the wrong things-text her constantly, call, begged, cried, etc.. Again, I know these are wrong, but I just can't understand how she can seem so OK with this. I have even had suicidal thoughts lately, although I don't think I could ever do that. 
A little about me - It's been a rough couple years, which makes this timing even worse. We moved here a couple years ago. She has a well paying job and loves her career and is very busy. I started a business which failed and had to file for bankruptcy. I have been unemployed for a year now. So she travels the country and I sit home waiting for her to call to tell me about her day. Anyways, this whole experience has made me realize how co dependent I am (emotionally and financially) which I never realized. I can't sleep, eat, or exercise. I get so upset I almost puke. I started smoking, which I haven't done in many years. All I think about is what I did wrong and how to get her back and how life would really suck without her. When I get this way, what do I want to do? - text or call my her! This week I went to the doctor who set me up with some anxiety meds and I also made an appointment with a therapist for tomorrow. But I'm not very optimistic.
So, she comes home tomorrow. She has told me to take my time in moving out-she knows I don't have a job and no money or friends here. My confidence is at an all time low. The problem is, with her seemingly moving on with her life, it makes it hard for me to be in the house with her, because all I want to do is talk about our relationship, beg, cry, and smother her, which she obviously wants no part of. Again, I know the answers are to get help, leave her alone, exercise, and eat right, do the 180, etc... But I just can't get my mind and body to do these things because she is my best friend and always talked to her about anything. Each day (and night) is absolutely hell. I have a chance at a job about an hour away. I thought if I got the job, maybe I could get an apartment there. Also, my family is many miles away in the midwest. But my sick mind tells me if I move there, then there would be no chance for reconciliation.
That's my story. I don't think anyone has the magical answer, but thought I would share and maybe it will make me feel a little better to put it in words. Thanks for listening.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Do not move out. She can leave.

Work on you, you sound a mess. Get a job, work out....etc.
Up your sex rank.

Stop pleading, calling, and texting with her. You seem overly needy now....very unattractive. The 180 is your friend.

You also need to rule out an affair. Check phone records, purchases, text logs etc. Get a VAR if you have to. Need to rule this out before you know how to proceed. 

Sorry you are here. Change your focus from her to you.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Your wife sounds like a typical cheating woman with a traveling career that perfectly suits her torn moral fiber. 

She sounds like the one in charge of your emotions. You are codependent. 

Repeat this sentence 10 times and then start reading about codependency:

"I AM AN ADDICT. I AM AN ADDICT. I AM AN ADDICT. I AM AN ADDICT. I AM AN ADDICT. I AM AN ADDICT. I AM AN ADDICT. I AM AN ADDICT. "

You're addicted to your wife's abuse. This is clear evidence of it:



> I ended by saying I loved her and she said "OK" which has been the norm.


The following list is for you. If you follow it (without failing over and over), you will be a whole new man within weeks. I promise. I've been where you are and am there yet again. It's not an easy healing process but it MUST happen. Don't fight your own body. It wants to survive. Let it. 

Don't move out. Don't contact her and DO NOT under any circumstances agree to anything in writing.

If you want your life back and possibly, your wife back, follow the commandments:

*Synthetic's 10 Commandments*:

1. Read this link - *Just Let Them Go*

2. Follow the following rules: *The 180 degree rules*

3. Read this short book in the next 24 hours: *No More Mr. Nice Guy
* 
4. Separate all finances and stop supporting her 'single' lifestyle

5. Book a counseling appointment ASAP

6. Doesn't matter how you do it, but *sweat the pain of anxiety out*. Treadmills are your best friend. Use them. This is very important: You need to physically feel spent before you hit bed every night. 

7. Think a lot, read a lot, and cry as needed - This particular link should be open in your browser at all times and read multiple times: *DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?*

8. Find your social worth by socializing with as many people as possible (females work better). Spend time with friends, but don't just settle for your circle of friends. This is the best time to make new ones and feel attractive/attracted. You're not looking for sex or a relationship. You're looking for natural human attraction between you and others.

9. Do whatever it takes to go on a trip that involves a long flight, preferably to a country where English or your first language is not spoken

10. Start living an 'overly' fun life without feeling any guilt. This is the hardest task ahead. It's important to wash the guilt out of yourself once you have realized where it originates from via all the reading and counseling you've done.


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

Thanks guys for the support. But why not move out? Because of my bankruptcy, the house is in her name and I wouldn't be able to afford it in the event of a divorce anyways - she's the breadwinner.

Regarding an affair- If she is really done with me, does it really matter at this point? I mean if I found out it would just be more added pain and agony.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

You move out and your chances of R are a lot lower. As far as an affair it would effect some of the advice you will be getting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

Gutpunch, thanks. I have been reading some of your threads and you seem like the resident expert! I was thinking that if I moved out, maybe she would appreciate and miss me and the chance of reconciliation would be better. Am I wrong?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you move out, the chances of getting back together are 5/1 against.

The only one that can make you move is a judge.

Download the MMSLP book below, it will show you how you lost her respect as a husband.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you move out, the chances of getting back together are 5/1 against.

The only one that can make you move is a judge.

Download the MMSLP book below, it will show you how you lost her respect as a husband.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Most marriages fail because of a lack of communication. Living somewhere else will not help. Live at home and communicate non verbally by upping your sex rank.

You must find out if she is cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I read the "Just let them go link"

I am recently separated and there will be a divorce in the future.
I also obssess with my stbxh daily activities.

this really struck a cord 


> I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.


because that is basically what I told my stbxh, he said I hurt him a lot with these words. Our situation did not change, in fact, he agreed that we should divorce. He began moving on quickly.
I am moving on at a slower pace, but it helps that we are 1000 miles apart.
good Luck PeakGuy. Know that you are strong and are not alone.


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

Thank you again. I know what I need to do, but now I just need to do it!


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

Also you may be able to get alimony if she is the only one working.


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

So I decided to try the 180. The wife came home yesterday from her trip. We were very friendly with each other, but I made sure to keep my distance. While eating dinner together, she stated, "you were quiet the past couple of days". Meaning no texts or phone calls. That was the first good feeling I've had in some time.

This morning she was getting ready for work and I got dressed in my workout gear and told her to have a good day and I left for a run. I know she was surprised by this as all I have done lately is sit around and do nothing.

I know the 180 is for me, but I can't help to think maybe it will also help our relationship. I have to admit it was very difficult not to try to touch, kiss, hug her and tell her I love her, but I know it is for the best not to. Today I go to my first therapy session. Good luck to all those going through similar issues!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Good for you -- and yes, the 180 might help your relationship, but don't put the cart before the horse. Focus on yourself right now.


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

It's been a few days, so I thought I would update to make this kinda my personal journal.

A few days after the wife returned from her trip, things were going really good. It was almost odd how well we were getting along, eating dinner together, talking about the day, etc.. But I made sure to stay quieter than normal and not follow her around the house or even bring up the relationship - no touching, hugging, etc.. She even asked me how my therapy went, to which I didn't say a whole lot.

I think my one backslide was on Tuesday night we went outside and were having a cigarette. I had just found out this same day that I was offered the job an hour away so we were discussing that. She was being very friendly and asking me about the job. I stated I was excited to be going back to work. The conversation was going very well and I was feeling good about things. Then, she said, "so are you looking at apartments up there, like we had discussed?' That was a kick in the gut as I thought we were really progressing and I thought that maybe she was starting to change her mind. I just kinda dropped the subject and moved on.

Since then, we are back to getting along very well, she even texts me a few times a day to talk about our grown kids, dinner plans or today to tell me she thinks she is getting a cold.

I'm not sure what to think or do, but I know to keep my distance from directly talking about the relationship, which is very difficult to do. I'm trying my best to stick to the 180s, which is also difficult. 
Today I am supposed to receive the DB book, which I am looking forward to getting.

Thanks again for all your support!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Next time she asks, tell her you've decided not to move.


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

That's tough because we are being really amicable right now and when she first mentioned separation/divorce, I said I would move if I got the job. I think if I change that and say I am not moving, that might create a firestorm that I'm not sure I want.

Another backslide tonight. We had planned a family vacation for December. My wife was on the phone tonight talking about it with my son and when she hung up, she said, "boy, is he going to be mad at me". I asked why? She said, "when he finds out we are divorcing and you won't be there with us." Again, I really thought we were progressing in a positive way, but these comments tell me she hasn't changed her tune. She could see the disappointment in my eyes and said, "you don't think a few good days changes things?" I was frustrated and just said, "I guess not".

I've had a few good days, but feeling pretty ****ty tonight.


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

oops, didn't realize I would be censored! My comment was "not feeling very good tonight".

Also, I should say that she came back in the room and said, "I didn't mean to seem so tough, I have just had a bad day." I said, "thanks".


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Ouch... well, things didn't get to this point overnight. If you guys can come back together, it's not going to happen overnight, either.

I would tell her that you're planning to stay for the time being, that you want to wait to see how the job works out before you commit to a relocation. That should buy you at least 3-6 months, right?


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

FeministInPink...thanks. We are getting along real well, like best friends. The problem is we both amicably agreed a couple weeks ago that I would move out if I got the job. But in my weak mind, it was buying me time for her to change her mind. AND, there is a part of me that thinks our marriage is not too bad, we are best friends, so if she really doesn't want me, maybe I should go. I don't know,just thinking out loud.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

If you're not sure, don't make any decisions right now. And if she really wants out, she should be the one to make the move to leave...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

peakguy said:


> That's tough because we are being really amicable right now and when she first mentioned separation/divorce, I said I would move if I got the job. I think if I change that and say I am not moving, that might create a firestorm that I'm not sure I want.


So, you're afraid of her response.


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

Let me just say I think my sitch is unique (weird). The first week I went into panic - crying, begging, texting, calling, etc... Since then, and since trying to follow the 180, we have gotten along just like nothing has happened although we both know the elephant in the room. We have never been the type to "battle" and even if we divorce, I would like to keep it that way. The only difference is we don't say "love you" or hug, kiss, etc..For example, tonight we are going to a dinner with a bunch of our hiking friends. Sunday, we are going on a hike together. I think the 180 is working, but my fear is we are developing into just friends.

My wife makes a good living (I don't)and we both agreed that when the time comes, I could not afford the house anyways. So I would be the one to move out. So, if that if what she truly wants, why not just get it over with and move?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

peakguy said:


> Let me just say I think my sitch is unique (weird).


From what I've read, I totally disagree.

Have you ever heard of Robert Glover's book No More Mr. Nice Guy?

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Ok, so I don't get this one and all the anger directed at OP's wife. He is the one that mentioned separation as a threat and she called his bluff. Just the fact that he would do that suggests the marriage wasn't that great, and now that she's called his bluff she must be cheating, she can move out, etc. You never, never, never threaten separation or divorce as a means of control, which if the OP didn't mean it is exactly what he did. You bring up separation or divorce if you mean it, because you can't close that box once it's been opened.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Row Jimmy (Apr 15, 2013)

If the sexes were reversed and you were a SAHM instead of a SAHD she would be on the hook for alimony due to you not working. 

Are you planning on just leaving with nothing just because she says she's done with you?

Stop being so cooperative and fight for what YOU want. If you want your marriage then stop giving up on it so easy. 

If you don't want to move out tell her you changed you mind and you are staying and she can move out if she likes. 

Don't make it so easy for her...


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

I hear what you are saying and we have actually talked about her giving me some monthly alimony. But to give you a little background, my failed business (which she was against) kinda put me in this sitch.

Also, I think that if I stay, I don't know how long I can keep my composure before I start the begging & pleading.

I do appreciate the advice, that's why I am here. It's hard to think sensibly when you are going through this.


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

life, I agree with you. I should have NEVER brought up the separation issue-something I have to live with I guess.


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

Conrad, I have heard of the book, but have yet to get it. I just received the DB book yesterday.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

peakguy said:


> Conrad, I have heard of the book, but have yet to get it. I just received the DB book yesterday.


Click on the link and start reading it today.


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

Conrad-thank you!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

peakguy said:


> life, I agree with you. I should have NEVER brought up the separation issue-something I have to live with I guess.


Apologies if I came off nasty, that wasn't my intention, and it's possible she would have brought it up herself given that she went along with it quickly so don't beat yourself up over it. If your marriage was good that wouldn't have happened, and I was just pointing out that you can't unring that bell. I don't know what kind of alimony you'd get since like you said you had a business and have been out of work a year. That's different then having a history as a sahp... If she's willing to give you some alimony it might be worth taking, just weigh what's in your interests carefully when deciding what level of fight you want to have. In the mean time put yourself together, this way you'll be in a good place for someone else. Who knows, your wife might decide she likes the new you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

peakguy, you can read No More Mr. Nice Guy for free online:

http://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

You should definitely read it. If my husband had read this before he completely checked out, it would have helped our relationship. I haven't read the whole thing yet, but I'm seeing a lot of my STBXH in the Mr. Nice Guy Syndrome.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

peakguy said:


> FeministInPink...thanks. We are getting along real well, like best friends. ...


That is NOT a 180. 

You're doing it wrong.

The 180 isn't "transition from husband into her new best girlfriend", it's supposed to be way less contact.

You need to re-read what the 180 is and start applying it.

Also, if she makes more money than you and wants a divorce, she should pay you alimony, and you should NOT leave that house! 

Maybe take over the basement for now. Concentrate on yourself. When she's home, make yourself scarce. If you smoke with her stop it...infact, go for a walk when you smoke so she can't join you. When she comes home, leave for the gym. Stop trying to be her best buddy.


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

life-No apology needed. That's why I'm on this forum. It is difficult to think straight when going through this and it helps to have other people's advice.

Feminist- thank you!

Tulsy- thank you. Going through this made me realize just how codependent I was (am) on her. She was my whole life. I never thought that was a problem, but I am now realizing that it was a BIG problem. I need to figure out how to have a life of my own and have less contact with her. It's not easy because I do enjoy being around her. I am in therapy to work on my co-dependency.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

tulsy said:


> That is NOT a 180.
> 
> You're doing it wrong.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Check out synthetic's 10 Commandments: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/90994-ask-her-move-back-week.html#post2725321

I know that you want to fix things, but you have to prepare yourself for the likelihood that it's not going to happen. Employ the 10 Commandments, and you'll be better off, regardless of what happens. The 180 and the commandments, it's all about taking care of YOU - which you're not really doing right now. If you guys come back together, well, that would be the icing on the cake, but it's not the point of the whole thing.


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## WakeUpCall (Aug 13, 2013)

Peak, our sitches sound very familar (stressful work situation, WAW) except my children seem younger. I too must have been co-dependent because the pain she has inflicted on me pales in comparison to any pain she seems to be feeling or sadness she has supposedly suffered. I wish I had more in the way to offer for advice and support. All I can tell you is you are not alone brother and I guess in time this this too shall pass (admittedly I have a hard time believing that myself right now). Anyhow here is a link to my story:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/109809-has-begun.html

Be strong and I will try too.


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

I know that 180s are for me, but at times it is tough to accept. I keep reading TAM in hopes that I can learn from others going through the same thing.

Wakeupcall - I read your thread and and sorry you are going through this as well. I need to get stronger. I think I have, but I also know I have a long way to go.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

peakguy said:


> I know that 180s are for me, but at times it is tough to accept. I keep reading TAM in hopes that I can learn from others going through the same thing.


Keep going, and if you mess it up, remember that you're only human, and re-dedicate. We all make mistakes and slip up sometimes. You can do it!!

:smthumbup:


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

Well, things are OK but I think I am failing at the 180 and need to regroup.

Friday night we went to a friend's birthday party. After a couple drinks, we came home and had a couple more in the backyard. She really opened up to me and even cried, but I'm afraid it was alcohol induced. Neither of us are big drinkers, but I think we both had a buzz on. We hugged and had deep conversations. In my mind, I thought we made leaps and bounds.

Saturday morning we woke up and it was pretty much the same as it had been, kinda distant but very amicable. She told me that she drank too much and that I shouldn't read too much into what was said. That was hard to hear.

I find it very hard to stay away from her, especially when she wants to do things as "friends". So here is my plan- I think tomorrow I am going to go a hotel for a few days to a week and not communicate with her. I am always there for her and I think a taste of me not being here may be a good thing, because it seems when I am home, I have no will power. Any thoughts?


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

Going to a hotel seems like a not so good idea. My advice is what several posters on here have suggested: REALLY do the 180 and stay put for now.

The 180 saved me. It didn't save my marriage, but it helped me heal and move on. Remember, you cannot control another person. Your wife can walk at any time, marriage vows be da*mned.

If you want to stay mired in this morass, that's your choice. To me it's self flagellation. Please do the 180 for your own sanity. Either it will draw her back to you (less likely) or get you to the point where you are detached and want to move on and find someone who wants you, or live the single life. I wish you the best.


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

Thanks for the advice. I agree that I really need to get out of this codependency "funk" and take care of myself. I just wish I had more will power. I am trying, but obviously need to try harder!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

yes a good thing...

letting this marriage go just might save it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Find a nice hotel with a pool and relax and regroup and spend some me time.

I wouldn't even tell your old lady...let her call you looking for you, then you can inform her that you have taken some time for your self.

I think telling her before hand just adds fuel to the fire like you are looking for some permission or answering to her. 

This way she has to go looking for you.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

She won't give 2 sh*ts if you go to a hotel for a few days. You go, then come back to the same situation. Didn't you say she travels for work? She's used to not being around you for extended periods. 

Better to stay and show her the new, confident, 180 practicing you. 

I also there is a good possibility she's cheating.


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

Yeah, she does travel a lot for work and I am always here when she returns. But I was thinking if I left for a while, it might might open her eyes a little with me not being around the house taking care of things. Also thought it may do me some good. Not sure what I'm going to do yet.

I don't think she is cheating and have zero proof, but I have read enough on these forums to understand that it is always a possibility.


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

Peakguy - Thank you stopping by and posting on my thread. Seems that you have a unique opportunity to turn this around. If you think your wife sees you as just a friend, it is most likely she feels disconnected from you. The negative emotions our spouses feel about can sometimes contribute to the "disconnect". It is difficult for them to disengage the negative emotion for a positive connection. I think my H feels the same way. I think doing things and reacting positively toward her and yourself can help "reload" the positive connection almost like putting money in the bank.

We are all in this together. Thank you again.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

MP&H has a really good point. 

If you think there's any chance of saving your marriage, you should stay put.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

FeministInPink said:


> MP&H has a really good point.
> 
> If you think there's any chance of saving your marriage, you should stay put.


Way does it have to be him that saves the marriage? 

It takes two poeple to save a marriage!

Go find a resort hang out at the pool for a few days have poeple bring you food and drink when ever you want, go to a sport bar and watch some ball games....and who knows you may meet some interesting folks.

Your old lady is gone, show her so are you. For now your old lady thinks you ain't going anywere.

Start working on your self.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

peakguy said:


> Yeah, she does travel a lot for work and I am always here when she returns. But I was thinking if I left for a while, it might might open her eyes a little with me not being around the house taking care of things. Also thought it may do me some good. Not sure what I'm going to do yet.
> 
> I don't think she is cheating and have zero proof, but I have read enough on these forums to understand that it is always a possibility.


Stop thinking about her...do this for yourself!

The second bonus here is she does start to think twice about what she is losing.

But the point of it all is looking after your self, working on you, and preparing for the worst and hoping for the best.

IDK, but just maybe, poeple want what they can't have....and your wife can have you any time she wants


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

Thanks for all the advice. 

I decided against going to a hotel and stayed home. We had a good weekend and spent some time (but not all) together. We continue to get along very well, but there is no hugging, kissing, touching, etc. There has been no talk of me moving or of divorce. The plan is still for me to get an apartment when I start my new job which is in a couple weeks.

I continue to try and work on myself.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

peakguy said:


> Thanks for all the advice.
> 
> I decided against going to a hotel and stayed home. We had a good weekend and spent some time (but not all) together. We continue to get along very well, but there is no hugging, kissing, touching, etc. There has been no talk of me moving or of divorce. The plan is still for me to get an apartment when I start my new job which is in a couple weeks.
> 
> I continue to try and work on myself.


Why is that still the plan?

Are you ok with it?


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

Ultimately, I would like to save our marriage and continue to work on things. But, when she first dropped the bomb on me about a month ago, we agreed that if I got the job an hour away, I would get an apartment. Mostly because she has a good job and I wouldn't be able to afford the house anyways.

The last time we had a heart to heart and I brought it up and said that she still wanted to do the separation. I have not brought it up since as things are going well and I don't want to keep bringing it up.

Again, we are getting along so well that I fear I am just her best friend and there for her. I thought if I did get the apartment, it would give me a chance to work on myself and a bonus would be for her to miss me. Just thinking out loud. Always open for suggestions.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

peakguy said:


> Ultimately, I would like to save our marriage and continue to work on things. But, when she first dropped the bomb on me about a month ago, we agreed that if I got the job an hour away, I would get an apartment. Mostly because she has a good job and I wouldn't be able to afford the house anyways.
> 
> The last time we had a heart to heart and I brought it up and said that she still wanted to do the separation. I have not brought it up since as things are going well and I don't want to keep bringing it up.
> 
> Again, we are getting along so well that I fear I am just her best friend and there for her. I thought if I did get the apartment, it would give me a chance to work on myself and a bonus would be for her to miss me. Just thinking out loud. Always open for suggestions.


I've thought this over and I'm not ok moving out.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Don't move out.

Just don't.


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

You need to talk to a lawyer pronto.

You've mentioned the house is in her name - if it was acquired during the marriage it would be split during the divorce wouldn't it? Also alimony for you may be possible.

As for moving out? Tell her it's too soon to do that. Period. If she has a problem with that, well, T.S.

Ask her to do counseling together as well. At minimum she owes you one visit together.

If you haven't done so read MMSL by Athol Kay asap.


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## Obennyl (Sep 3, 2013)

I'm sorry for your situation. It sounds a lot like mine in many respects...I found out it was another woman. Then all of the pieces of the puzzle fit together. It sounds like you have a puzzle as well. I don't agree with all of the advice you have been getting, but most of it seems to make sense. I think you first need to get informed. If another man is courting your wife, confront him and let your wife know you are willing to fight for her. I made the mistake of just sitting by and hoping he would come to his senses. He's married to her now. I'm thinking that if she sees you is a whole new light, maybe you can surprise her and make her take notice. However, don't let anger get the best of you. You will say some things that will be detrimental and you don't want to do that. Don't beg and plead with her...that just makes you look weak. Also, don't date!!! You can't undo that if you should R and it is not healthy for you either at this point. Do go to counseling and perhaps that could show her that you are willing to work on it. The goal would be to get her into counseling with you because you obviously have issues going on that need to be uncovered and dealt with. Finally, I do agree that you should not move out. She is the one wanting this separation, let her move out. If she is the breadwinner, she will have to pay you alimony. See a lawyer to get legal advice, but don't make threats to her. I wish you the best.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

peakguy said:


> ... I *think* I am failing at the 180 and need to regroup.
> 
> Friday night *we* went to a friend's birthday party. After a couple* drinks*, *we came home* and had a* couple more* in the backyard. She really opened up to me and even *cried*, ... We* hugged and had deep conversations*. In my mind, I thought we made leaps and bounds.
> 
> ...


Ya, you are a complete failure at the 180 so far. Did you even read the link? You should be reading it 10 times a day and actually applying it.

You don't want to just be friends with her, but you are letting her use you as her "friend" and turn you into that, so you are giving her everything she wants but getting nothing that you want.

Are you waking up yet?



peakguy said:


> ...*We* had a good weekend and* spent some time (but not all) together*. We continue to get along very well, but there is no hugging, kissing, touching, etc. ...The plan is still for me to get an apartment when I start my new job which is in a couple weeks.
> 
> *I continue to try and work on myself.*


Ya, that is still her plan...for you to move out. 

And no, you are NOT working on yourself, you are playing her BBF. 180 doesn't mean hang out as friends.



peakguy said:


> Ultimately, I would like to save our marriage and continue to work on things. ...The last time we had a heart to heart and I brought it up and said that she still wanted to do the separation. ...*we are getting along so well that I fear I am just her best friend* and there for her.....


You don't get it. She wants you gone. She is using you and getting exactly what she wants, and you are enabling her to do it over and over again.

In reality, she is manipulating you; she doesn't really want you as a friend or a husband.


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

1. I am not a complete failure at the 180, but I know I have a looooooooooong way to go. And yes, I do read them daily-thank you.

2. We will always be amicable with each other. Remember, I am no angel in this and will always respect her, no matter what. I realize being friends is probably not the way to go, but I have to sort of "wean" myself off of her. And yes, I am getting a lot out of it - companionship and (possibly) relationship building. And yes, I woke up a long time ago, but unfortunately it may have been to late for us.

3. I said I continue to TRY and work on myself. Again, I have a long way to go, but all I can do is give it my best shot and hope I learn from my mistakes.

4. I don't believe she is manipulating me. She has been nothing but honest about this the whole time. In fact, it may be me manipulating her, unintentionally. I do believe she wants me as a friend, but I also know that wouldn't be good for me in the long run.

I came on this site for support and the occasional kick in the butt. However, the negativity is bothersome. The wife bashing in particular upsets me. Can't it be that two people are in love with each other, but one realizes she is not "in love" and wants to be honest and explore her options, move on or make changes in her life? And I have been honest with her that this is not what I want. Why is it one has to be a "villain"? As hard as it is for me to accept, I will always hold my head high knowing I tried everything to save my marriage (which she did several years ago when I was questioning things) and also knowing that we did everything honestly and amicably. I know we will always be in each other's lives, even if it is from a distance. 

I'm going to have to think twice about posting in the future. I'll probably just read and take in as much information as I can and continue to try and improve. Good luck to everyone!


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

I agree that some of the advice on here is hard to take. Nobody knows the nuances of your situation. 

I got whacked pretty hard in the beginning, and some of the statements and advice people gave me was off base.

But most of it ended up being correct and it helped me to stop putting myself through unnecessary pain, move forward and heal.

It took a while though, this is a huge test for most people. There are only two ways this can go, either you and your wife stay together, or not.

If you separate and divorce, this site has much to offer in order for you to move on and heal. 

I don't want you to take this as bashing, I'm not, but maybe should establish whether or not she's cheating on you. Even if you need to hire a PI or get some VAR's for the house and her car.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

peakguy,

I understand your frustration. Believe me when I say I've been exactly where you are and felt exactly the same way. What you currently see as 'wife bashing' is really not what it seems.

You said you're here for support. In the months ahead, you will come back to this thread realize that was exactly what you were receiving and mistook it for 'wife bashing'.

Do you know why it feels like 'wife bashing'? Because you're here, and she's not. You've gone to court and the defendant hasn't shown up. Do you know why she hasn't shown up? Because she doesn't care as much as you do. That's not 'wife bashing', that's reality.

Never for a second feel that all the people who are here are angels who had the misfortune of being left-behind by their spouse. NO! That's not the case at all. A marriage always consists of two imperfect (and mostly vulnerable) people who make countless mistakes all their life. It is in fact these imperfections, vulnerabilities and mistakes that make humans insecure enough to see the need for a life companion. If we were all complete people, there would be no need for a spouse. 

You're digging yourself a hole that may end up being too deep to get out of. Your level of attractiveness and respect (to your wife) is plummeting with every minute you retain your current mentality.

I've done that myself and it's truly a mistake. It's a path to self-hatred. Don't for a second doubt that you'll regret allowing your emotions to be affected and controlled based on your wife's feedback. You'll hit rock bottom and the healing process will not be easy. You can also forget about your marriage at that point.

What your wife has forgotten about is the stranger called 'peakguy' who is very well capable of not being a part of her life. I'm sure she's a lovely lady with lots of qualities. I'm sure you f***ed up on more than one occasion. I'm sure there are things she'll have to forgive you for. 

All that is irrelevant right now. She doesn't even think about those things. She looks at you and sees a shadow of a man who has ceased to exist as an individual. There's no incentive in being intimate, married or sexually attracted to a shadow. There's nothing 'there'. You are now a 'thing' to her, not a person. You think you're going to love her out of this? It ain't gonna happen. It never does. 

Be unavailable to her in every single way possible. It's your only shot. She's seen enough of your availability and 'depends' on it. Use it to your advantage. Again, it's your only shot.

BTW, read the link in my signature. It's for you.


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

Maincourse - thanks, I appreciate it. I not saying I'm doing everything right, far from it. And, I do appreciate most of the advice on here. As I said, I need a kick in the butt every once in a while.

To answer you other question, I did do the VAR in her car (which I felt terrible for doing) and nothing. I checked the phone records and nothing out of the ordinary, although she does use it for work, which means lots of calls. She also let me check her computer, email, facebook, texts, etc.- which she wasn't too happy about but did it to clear my mind. She has told me she is having an affair - with her work. She is an extremely hard and dedicated professional.Anything is possible, but I have no evidence of that.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

peakguy said:


> Maincourse - thanks, I appreciate it. I not saying I'm doing everything right, far from it. And, I do appreciate most of the advice on here. As I said, I need a kick in the butt every once in a while.
> 
> To answer you other question, I did do the VAR in her car (which I felt terrible for doing) and nothing. I checked the phone records and nothing out of the ordinary, although she does use it for work, which means lots of calls. She also let me check her computer, email, facebook, texts, etc.- which she wasn't too happy about but did it to clear my mind. She has told me she is having an affair - with her work. She is an extremely hard and dedicated professional.Anything is possible, but I have no evidence of that.


Then stop snooping and look at the bigger picture. If she is in fact being truthful, then you have even more reason to be concerned about her commitment to the individual called 'peakguy'.

Do you know why she has an affair with her work? Because you are dissolved into her 'meh' world. You're irrelevant for the most part. 

Gain back your relevance by becoming absent from her world. That means take your kindness away. She's using it as a life ingredient without paying for it. You're selling yourself cheap. Why?


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

Synthetic...thanks. I guess it's just the way some people put it into words that upset me. 

Not sure what you meant by "court" comment. We haven't been to court yet. 

I am moving out soon, which will help me with the issue of being "unavailable" to her.

I've said all along that I know what needs to be done, but the hard part is doing it. I have started counseling for myself, reading DB, reading all I can, exercising, etc... I take offense when someone insinuates I am doing NOTHING.

Thanks


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

It goes back to my codependency issues, which I am working on.


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

I have a totally different take on this situation. From what you posted in your very first post, it sounds like you started a business that she opposed and it failed and you have been out of work for a year. You also said the marriage wasn't great the last couple of years. Sounds like these two events dovetail with the unhappiness.

Perhaps she just lost respect for you in this time period. You said you were unemployed, what have you been doing this past year? Maybe she just lost respect for the person you had become, too dependent on her for everything?

I don't know if moving out is the answer, but I do think getting back yourself may be. I think this new job could be a good start. She needs to see you as the man you used to be, employed and independent, not needy and clingy. But, I don't think it can be an act, it needs to be real...you need to become that man once again. And if you are indeed best friends and she gets her respect for you back, she might find that love again.


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

NWCooper- I agree with you 100 percent. My business failure resulting in bankruptcy and lack of employment played a huge role. That along with me being depressed because of not working.

Thanks for your post.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Moving out won't help one bit.

It's a sign of submission.

There's been plenty of those.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Peakguy,

Do you realize what you're saying? You're admitting to have a wife who lost respect for you because of an unsuccessful business venture. 

What motive did you have when you put that wedding ring on her finger? What is the reason behind people seeking long-term companionship? Have you thought about that? 

Do you see how short-changed you've been in this context?


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

Have you read Athol Kay's MMSL? 

It addresses the issues you've mentioned. He was a website/forum that I think you would find helpful as well.

There are things called DLV's = Display of Lower Value. You'll want to recognize them and avoid them. 

I don't see anything good coming from moving out either. What's the rush anyway? You just started a new job. Tell her you want to focus on that and the move will be a distraction you don't want to deal with.

I realize it's the "plan" but in reality that's her plan. Tell her what the new plan is.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

peakguy, 

I agree with the other posters in that you shouldn't move out - I did and we're divorcing (Thank God) but... thats another story. 

If you want to reconcile - you MUST stay in the house.

Doesn't matter what she says - whether you are unemployed, you're depressed, whatever... It is your right to be there. 

"I have changed my mind - I am staying here"... She's going throw a tantrum and you're going to look her in the face and say, "I have made my decision and that's final".

You're probably NOT going to do that because you have her on some pedestal and she's your best friend.

...But guess what, she isn't acting like your best friend (You Know This) now is she?... So it's time for you to make a change in the dynamics.

Follow the 180. It's Golden. If you can't hit the gym - start going for long walks, sharpen up your diet, drink lots of water, go places...

Become mysterious. 

WOMEN DON'T LIKE MEN WHO PINE FOR THEM. 
WOMEN DON'T LIKE MEN WHO DON'T HAVE OPTIONS.
WOMEN DON'T LIKE MEN WHO CATER TO THEIR EVERY NEED.
WOMEN DON'T LIKE MEN WHO DON'T STAND UP TO THEM - WHEN THEY'RE ACTING A FOOL.

No matter where this leads - she is just another woman. 1 among MANY. She needs to be reminded of that. 

It's your only shot.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I don't mean to rain on your parade, but I think that you are looking at this through rose colored glasses. She may like you and even be friendly, but you are not best friends, buddies or pals, she wants you gone. I highly suspect that she does respect you, with the failed business and no job situation. I am not judging you personally, but most women would not see you as an equal in this situation. 

I don't mean to suggest that you treat her mean, but there is a definite difference in being friendly and amicable. You need to be the later. You need an exercise program, this will help with the stress and make a healthier you. You need to concentrate on a hobby or try something that you have always wanted to do. You don't need to ask about her day, if she tells you fine, but just listen. 

Also you need to consult with an attorney and find out your legal rights before you move out of the house. You don't have to file or do anything, but you also don't want to do anything you might regret later. She does not need to know about this meeting. This is your business and your life. Don't talk to her about your apartment, she is a non-voting member, just tell her you will deal with the situation.......period. You need to take control of your life and start living it your way. You have spent way too long waiting for her to come home from a trip, like a big Lab puppy wagging his tail. 

Women want a man that they can respect, more than looks, money, size, sex, etc. How many times have you seen a guy that is uglier than 9 miles of bad road with a pretty woman. You think to yourself, wow he must be loaded for her to be with him. He may be, but he also has self confidence and knows that he is to be respected. He knows his own self value and if she doesn't want to be with him, tough that is her loss. Not arrogance, confidence.


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

Iver- I just started reading some of the reviews and excerpts from Athol Kay's MMSL last night. But to purchase is very expensive.

Thank you guys for the advice. I have a lot to think about. I do appreciate it.


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

One more for you. If I decide to stay in the house, do you think I should move to the basement or another room? As of now, we still sleep together.- Thanks


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

ReGroup said:


> peakguy,
> 
> I agree with the other posters in that you shouldn't move out - I did and we're divorcing (Thank God) but... thats another story.
> 
> ...


I agree with ReGroup. You moving out will hasten your divorce. Count on it. 

If you want to try and save your marriage which is on the brink btw. Then MMSLP and the 180 is your new bible. Up your sex rank, Peak. A woman will not stay married to a man she does not respect. Good Luck.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

peakguy said:


> One more for you. If I decide to stay in the house, do you think I should move to the basement or another room? As of now, we still sleep together.- Thanks


Move to a different room.

Start a new life.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

peakguy said:


> One more for you. If I decide to stay in the house, do you think I should move to the basement or another room? As of now, we still sleep together.- Thanks


If you decide to do this, let it be your idea not hers. Just do it with no explanation and don't tell her ahead of time. None of this "Honey I know you wanted me to move out but I will live in the basement for you instead." "Will that be ok?"


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

peakguy said:


> One more for you. If I decide to stay in the house, do you think I should move to the basement or another room? As of now, we still sleep together.- Thanks


Nope. Continue to stay in bed. Let her leave.

Let her carry some of the guilt. Let her shoulder the burden of hostility and childishness. Be the grown up. 

I admit; It will get a lot harder before you start distinguishing right from wrong. Be ready for tough times. This ain't no walk in the park, but you're a man. It's enduring things like this that will make you feel like the man you've always wanted to be.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

GutPunch said:


> If you decide to do this, let it be your idea not hers. Just do it with no explanation and don't tell her ahead of time. None of this "Honey I know you wanted me to move out but I will live in the basement for you instead." "Will that be ok?"


Talk less - do more.

Do not seek her approval, under any circumstances.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

ReGroup said:


> peakguy,
> 
> I agree with the other posters in that you shouldn't move out - I did and we're divorcing (Thank God) but... thats another story.
> 
> .



Story doesn't do it justice. More like a long novel that when you think its over it really is just beginning.


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## ladybird54 (Sep 4, 2013)

hi their.my story is almost the same as yours,my partner has ended our relationship after 6 years,hes moved into the spare room and we are just friends but still having sex now and again,he says he loves me to peices but cant do the relationship anymore.im so confused over this,i love him so much its killing me being in the same house as him,iv done all the beggin crying pleading etc,he just does not want to know.x


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

I read your story and I am so sorry you are going through this. Yes, it is very difficult.

I just had my second counseling session today and have been reading the Divorce Busters book. 

I am no where near where I want to be, but I am seeing slight improvements.

Take care and I wish you the best.


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

Peakguy, thank you for stopping by my thread and for the encouragement. I guess we all need it. I would say let her move to the spare room or bedroom. My H is in the spare bedroom, but he did not move his clothes. So he still gets dressed in our master bedroom. Weird. 

What have you done outside of your IC session today?


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

MyPainandHurt said:


> Peakguy, thank you for stopping by my thread and for the encouragement. I guess we all need it. I would say let her move to the spare room or bedroom. My H is in the spare bedroom, but he did not move his clothes. So he still gets dressed in our master bedroom. Weird.
> 
> What have you done outside of your IC session today?


MP&H, thanks for your comments. And, it is not weird to me, cause she does the same thing. 

I actually went to yoga today and loved it! I would recommend it to anyone. For an hour, all my problems went away, which is more than most days. I'm planning on going again Monday. I'm now watching football and the wife is in the bedroom watching TV. Hope you have a good night!


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