# Separate or not



## SadSparrow84 (Aug 4, 2020)

At a cross roads and not sure if separation will help us. 

Been doing marriage counseling and husband attends but he doesnt change behavior. He brought up divorce again and how I think it would look for us. I explained I cant cohabitate because it would be so hard on me cuz I love him do much. I said that he would probably need to leave and we'd figure out kid situation somehow.

Does he have to leave? Can I kick him out? Or am I suppose to suck it up until he files & we officially divorce? I am having a hard time picturing life with him living in the guest bedroom, me chilling in my bedroom once our little kids are asleep to avoid seeing him hang out in the living room, having him come & go as he pleases because "mom" always there. I feel if he was living somewhere else, that would establish boundaries and what real separation/divorce would look it. 

We have never been apart in the 10 years we've known each other. Is it false hope thinking maybe if he is physically gone; he'll realize that our life wasnt miserable and that this is his depression rearing its head.


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## SadSparrow84 (Aug 4, 2020)

I don't think he gets it. I didn't do his laundry, just did me & the kids. And he said I was being selfish and making it more difficult than it needs to be. I explained I loved him but not doing wifey duties if he doesn't wanna be married. If he was to be at his parents, he'd have to do his own cooking, cleaning, laundry and scheduled parenting time. That is what divorce looks like.

Later he came upstairs to our "my" room and asked if I am coming downstairs to watch the Bachelorette. I said again, I love you and I am giving you space to figure this out. I cant watch TV with you as "a friend" as you stated about how you feel for me. I sat upstairs all night, brief interactions with him due to kids getting in & out of their rooms 😒. Damn wiggle worms. Come 11:30pm I get waken up due to squeaky door because he needed to shower & get PJ's. I told him yesterday if he was gonna stay in guest bedroom, he should move clothes over. He didnt. Now I am wondering if I should move them. And take all his bathroom essentials and put them in kids bathroom. I just dont know what to do.

It breaks my heart because I so want to fix his view of our life, but he is so checked out. I cant put on a face anymore that everything is fine in front of family & friends. He thinks we can go through our Christmas gatherings like nothing is wrong. Im sorry, but im feeling if you don't want this marriage, I don't need you at my families xmas and I'll break the news to them on why your not present. And you can have kids xmas eve and see yours, I'll stay home. I cry at night wondering about us, the kids, the future, my dads recent diagnosis of stage 4 cancer. 2020 ****ing sucks.

Now come this morning, after getting our daughter on the bus our lil guy needed a stuff toy for naptime at childcare. We ran inside and when we came out, my car was remote started. So he must of done that on his way out. I cant recall if/when he ever did that. 

WTH. I dont wanna push him away but I cant continue living in his checked out depressed state and only be there when he wants me because I'm mostly a ghost to him.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

SadSparrow84 said:


> I don't think he gets it. I didn't do his laundry, just did me & the kids. And he said I was being selfish and making it more difficult than it needs to be. I explained I loved him but not doing wifey duties if he doesn't wanna be married. If he was to be at his parents, he'd have to do his own cooking, cleaning, laundry and scheduled parenting time. That is what divorce looks like.
> 
> Later he came upstairs to our "my" room and asked if I am coming downstairs to watch the Bachelorette. I said again, I love you and I am giving you space to figure this out. I cant watch TV with you as "a friend" as you stated about how you feel for me. I sat upstairs all night, brief interactions with him due to kids getting in & out of their rooms 😒. Damn wiggle worms. Come 11:30pm I get waken up due to squeaky door because he needed to shower & get PJ's. I told him yesterday if he was gonna stay in guest bedroom, he should move clothes over. He didnt. Now I am wondering if I should move them. And take all his bathroom essentials and put them in kids bathroom. I just dont know what to do.
> 
> ...


So he is responding greatly to you running the other direction. If you start being nice, he will run again. I’d let him go, but if you want him, you’re doing exactly what you need to do to get him back. Obviously


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I don't understand why you would wait for him to file. Why don't you go file? Why are you leaving that in his control?

Go get a family law attorney and then you'll have answers to all your questions and get things underway.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

What led to him checking out? Have you verified there’s no other woman?


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## SadSparrow84 (Aug 4, 2020)

Ideally I would like to save the marriage because I still love him and have hope. It kills me to know that he shows alot of the symptoms for depression yet wont recognize it himself. And him possibly throwing it all away because "divorce" would make him happy.


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## SadSparrow84 (Aug 4, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> What led to him checking out? Have you verified there’s no other woman?


No affair that I know. Normal job, home nights/weekends, no passwords on phone/computers. Pretty transparent. 

Our life I thought was normal, nothing too off. Just over time he has become more and more withdrawn, doesnt want to do anything social, can go all day without talking to me, minor interaction with kids, sad and crying when I want to discuss us & our relationship and hours later acts like nothing happen and asking me to go shopping with him.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

SadSparrow84 said:


> No affair that I know. Normal job, home nights/weekends, no passwords on phone/computers. Pretty transparent.
> 
> Our life I thought was normal, nothing too off. Just over time he has become more and more withdrawn, doesnt want to do anything social, can go all day without talking to me, minor interaction with kids, sad and crying when I want to discuss us & our relationship and hours later acts like nothing happen and asking me to go shopping with him.


You've certainly got a struggle ahead of you. The coincidence of 3 stories like yours appearing in such a short time frame is weird. I recommended this thread twice within the last 24 hours, here I'm going to recommend it again. It's the story of a man who read his wife's diary and discovered she didn't love him any longer and was planning her exit, but biding her time to fix her finances and career. That was his time frame, he needed to do something. This was his journey and he did, in fact, win back her love for him. Maybe there is a lesson there for you. Your husband is disengaged, you want him re-engaged.









She said "w/a man I don't love"


I confess, I read my wife's diary. I wished I hadn't. Our 15th anniversary was May 16th; for over a month now I have made a concerted effort to do my part in making our marriage better. On Monday, June 3rd I read a portion of her diary that stated "w/a man I don't love." I'm devastated! What, if...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

SadSparrow84 said:


> No affair that I know. Normal job, home nights/weekends, no passwords on phone/computers. Pretty transparent.
> 
> Our life I thought was normal, nothing too off. Just over time he has become more and more withdrawn, doesnt want to do anything social, can go all day without talking to me, minor interaction with kids, sad and crying when I want to discuss us & our relationship and hours later acts like nothing happen and asking me to go shopping with him.


this sounds like mental illness of some kind to me, and doesn’t really sound like his state of mind has anything to do with you. He needs to see a psychiatrist.


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## Hopelessandconfused (Dec 16, 2020)

SadSparrow84 said:


> At a cross roads and not sure if separation will help us.
> 
> Been doing marriage counseling and husband attends but he doesnt change behavior. He brought up divorce again and how I think it would look for us. I explained I cant cohabitate because it would be so hard on me cuz I love him do much. I said that he would probably need to leave and we'd figure out kid situation somehow.
> 
> ...


 Wow, I really relate and I’m going through this exact situation, same years together and everything. Only difference is no kids, only a doggie. I’m so heartbroken and feel lost. Would love to connect


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