# Advice Please



## shebaloo2 (Feb 6, 2013)

Hello. I've been married for 7 years. My husband and I had trouble conceiving and eventually adopted a baby together who just turned a year. She is the light of our lives. Recently, my parents came to stay for the holidays and my husband went out several times until 3 in the morning partying. The night he dropped my father off at the airport, he went to a bar and didn't tell me or return my calls until my third attempt.

We are now in couples couseling and both in invididual as well. He told me in therapy this week that he loves me and our daughter, but he has a desire to be on his own and feels like he is more connected to himself when he lives as if he were single-no one to answer too, etc. He said he wishes he didnt feel this way because we (baby and I) are "great.' I was so upset by this, I told him to leave for a week and stay at a friends house until therapy next week. He was surprised by this but I really was so hurt and angry with him telling me all of this and then living in the house with me and I needed some space to process all of this.

Last night he tells me he rented an apartment on a week to week basis. I don't know what to do about this......I know he has had trouble adjusting to parenthood and is immature. He works in the alcohol industry and is out a lot. I don;t know what to do...Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

My first thought would be he has someone on the side or is heading that way. How has he been this past year to you and with your baby? Any signs of him freaking out about being a new dad?


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## shebaloo2 (Feb 6, 2013)

Thank you for your response. I feel pretty alone. He says he isnt seeing anyone or having an affair but our therapist said she could see how I might think this because of him being out alot.We once talked about cheating a long time ago and he said if he was, he wouldnt tell me because it would just hurt me so I;m not sure. He has gained a lot of weight latley though and usually people try to lose when they're having an affair?

The past year has been a major adjustment for both of us with the baby. That being said, he is very good with her and loves her very much. He just doesnt seem to be a good husband and partner to me.

For his job he goes out and drinks and is the life of the party and he knows I hate it when he is always gone. Then he comes home and he has to deal with real responsibilities....On the one hand, he wants a family, then on the other hand, he wants to live like a single guy.....I don't know . This is so upsetting especially because we both tried to hard to adopt and finally have our daughter. I dont know what to think anymore..... Thank you for listening. Thoughts?


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

hoe's your sex life?


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

You sais you're in MC. How has that been going? I was in your shoes for many years after my kids were born. He still wanted to live like he was single and left all the responsibility on me. Unfortunately, we are now getting a divorce. I told him time and time again how unhappy I was and he never wanted to listen or take me seriously. We tried MC but it was too late when he finally agreed to go. The gaining weight leads me to beliebe something is going on with him but I don't know what. Maybe he should see a doctor. Does he still say he is still 'in love' with you? Are you still in love with him? These situations upset me so much because of the poor innocent kids.


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## shebaloo2 (Feb 6, 2013)

Non existant. Last time was probably 3 or 4 months ago. He's on anti-depressants and has always had a low libido but I dunno...


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## shebaloo2 (Feb 6, 2013)

Kimberley17 said:


> You sais you're in MC. How has that been going? I was in your shoes for many years after my kids were born. He still wanted to live like he was single and left all the responsibility on me. Unfortunately, we are now getting a divorce. I told him time and time again how unhappy I was and he never wanted to listen or take me seriously. We tried MC but it was too late when he finally agreed to go. The gaining weight leads me to beliebe something is going on with him but I don't know what. Maybe he should see a doctor. Does he still say he is still 'in love' with you? Are you still in love with him? These situations upset me so much because of the poor innocent kids.


We have only had 2 sessions so far. Its been really painful. He has said, "This is going to be hard because I;m going to say lots of hurtful things". I always end up sobbing. Maybe he is having an affair? He just started going back to the gym again. He used to go all the time pre-baby. He's in the beer industry so he gained weight from drinking and going out to work events.He says he loves me and our child but I dont know about in love.....I am sorry to hear about your divorce. Was your divorce a mutual decision? How are you dealing with everything?


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

*Re: Re: Advice Please*



shebaloo2 said:


> Non existant. Last time was probably 3 or 4 months ago. He's on anti-depressants and has always had a low libido but I dunno...


I was going to guess he wasn't getting it from you. When my wife started holding sex back is when I started looking for reasons not to be home. But if he's the one who's LD it leaves that out. Could be he's avoiding the shame of not giving you enough sex.


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## LoveBeingFemale (Nov 5, 2012)

How old was the baby at the time of the adoption?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

He sounds like a big kid. You do not get to be both married and single. It would be understandable to sometimes wish for your own space, to feel smothered by the responsibilities, but actually getting an apartment? Nope, the man is getting "some" elsewhere. You say you have a one year old baby? And this upsetting behavior began a few months ago? He's not reacting well to the responsibilities. 

The question to answer, is he someone who could grow up given time and support, or is he the kind of person to shut the door and never look back? I also got the impression now that he's a father that he is looking around and wondering if this is all there is? When a married person asks that question, they've disconnected from the marriage. The relationship is no longer giving them what they need. Perhaps, and I've seen this with a friend, the years of infertility, the stress and sorrow and yearning, took a toll on him.

Why is he on antidepressants? Yes that can interfere with sex drive, but there are other options for people who can't deal with that particular side effect. If he hasn't explored those other options, it would seem that having sex with you isn't a priority in his life.

From what you describe, it seems like your husband is preparing to end the marriage. And what a Pryck to treat you this way. 

I would definitely look into discovering if there is another woman.


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## shebaloo2 (Feb 6, 2013)

We were there for her birth and it was the best day of our lives for both of us. He loves her very much


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## shebaloo2 (Feb 6, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> He sounds like a big kid. You do not get to be both married and single. It would be understandable to sometimes wish for your own space, to feel smothered by the responsibilities, but actually getting an apartment? Nope, the man is getting "some" elsewhere. You say you have a one year old baby? And this upsetting behavior began a few months ago? He's not reacting well to the responsibilities.
> 
> The question to answer, is he someone who could grow up given time and support, or is he the kind of person to shut the door and never look back? I also got the impression now that he's a father that he is looking around and wondering if this is all there is? When a married person asks that question, they've disconnected from the marriage. The relationship is no longer giving them what they need. Perhaps, and I've seen this with a friend, the years of infertility, the stress and sorrow and yearning, took a toll on him.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your feedback. Yes, he is a big kid. He got an apartment on a week to week basis because its cheaper than a hotel. We live in a major metropolitan city that offer these but I suppose its a bit weird? He's on meds because he has a family history of depression and was on them when we first started dating and our sex life was much better but even when things were good, we never had a lot of sex. Yes, maybe the years of infertility took its toll on him....

He started individual counseling and we are doing couples so I'm not sure if he wants to work this out or not. From what you're saying, it sounds like you think heis preparing to end it? I wonder if I will have to stay in the same state because of our daughter if we separate and or divorce? I can't believe all of this.....


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## shebaloo2 (Feb 6, 2013)

I think he just feels disconnected from me and me to him...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

shebaloo2 said:


> I think he just feels disconnected from me and me to him...


I think you are right! A new baby is so all consuming, it is something only another parent can truly understand. Is it possible that through the stress of wanting to become a parent, and then the joy of becoming one finally ( congrats bty) You have inadvertently put HIM on the back burner and this pulling away he's doing in his way of coping. "If you're going to put me on the back burning I'll take myself off the damn stove!

It would explain his weight gain, sadness does cause people to gain. Perhaps he hasn't figured out yet that he feels left out, just feels like he doesn't belong?

Mr Pink and I just took a weekend away.... was very cathartic for us both.


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## Quantmflux (Feb 6, 2013)

Renting the apartment without discussing it is a massive breach of trust IMO. Totally unacceptable behavior.

He may be feeling the "paternal neglect" thing, but its awfully soon for that I think.

It's also really odd that he behaved that way with your folks there. Usually one tries super hard to not disrespect a spouse in front of in laws. It makes him look very bad.

What is the therapist saying? I always wonder what it is these people do.

If I were the therapist I'd pull him aside and say "what the hell are you doing man??"

You guys adopted a kid. That's a beautiful thing and it is a massive responsibility. He is proceeding to screw it up by reverting to adolescence while claiming to love it. Not cool. "Buyers remorse" doesn't work with kids.

Does he have any siblings? Can you maybe talk with HIS folks? How are your relationships on that end?


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## shebaloo2 (Feb 6, 2013)

Quantmflux said:


> Renting the apartment without discussing it is a massive breach of trust IMO. Totally unacceptable behavior.
> 
> He may be feeling the "paternal neglect" thing, but its awfully soon for that I think.
> 
> ...



Thank you for your response. I told him I thought it would be a good idea if he stay at a friends house until next Monday night when we have therapy and he rented an apt on a week to week basis which is cheaper than a hotel-not sure if it still sounds fishy??

His behavior while my parents were here was kind of like an "F U, I can do whatever I damn well want to do" possibly. His side of the family is a mess-unstable sister and so- so mother and his father took his life when he was 50. My family is very supportive and much more mentally sound.

Last night he came by to get some of his things and when he left he looked very sad and asked if he could see our daughter on Saturday which I said yes, fine. Basically, he loves her very much, but I'm not so sure he wants to be in the marriage with me. His parents unlike mine, divorced when he was 2.

In therapy he has said that he wishes he were single and wishes he didnt feel that way because his daughter and me are "great" and he should be happy. Our therapist told us that it sounds like a mid-life crisis and asked him what we need from eachother now and he said to me, "He needs forgiveness for feeling the way he feels! What? I;m supposed to forgive him for telling me he feels better and more himself when he's on his own?

He has his individual therapy on Friday night then I will see him on Saturday I guess. Should I ask him how therapy is going on his end? I am at a loss. Today I see my therapist and I almost cancelled because my brain is spinning.

SHould I ask/say anything to my husband when he comes over on Saturday to see our child?


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## shebaloo2 (Feb 6, 2013)

Did you and Mr. Pink go without kids? I think he does feel like all the attention is on our daughter. My fear is that he has fallen out of love with me.....


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

shebaloo2 said:


> Did you and Mr. Pink go without kids? I think he does feel like all the attention is on our daughter. My fear is that he has fallen out of love with me.....


Love can be rebuilt, but it takes a commitment to rebuild it and its not something that happens over night or in one weekend.

Darling, during our first 17 years we never went anywhere with out kids. HUGE HUGE MISTAKE!!!!

Life in the Pink house has been very stressful for the last 2-3 years and I MUST get out of town every 2-3 months for about 4 days. Mr. Pink and I go away without kids all the time now...finally....and only take kids for the family vacation. 

I have to admit that up until this last trip, our little get always were more about rebuilding what had been long lost. This last trip finally took us over the last few hurdles. 

You describe a husband who seems lost in his own little world of disconnect. Is the guy you describe today very different from the guy you fell in love with? Can you pin point any specific changes and about the times you've noticed them, or noticed them in hindsight? I wonder if the marriage trouble is secondary to his depression? And if that's the case, I wonder if the steps a wife might take to reconnect with a husband would be fruitful without the depression being addressed first. 

He says you and the baby are great. Well, great is a far cry from "the best thing that ever happened to me, the loves of my life, my reason for breathing." 

Therapist says it sounds like a mid life crisis? Therapist also wonders if he is having an affair? He's in IC too right? Is he going to a different therapist for IC than you both see for MC? If not, make it so. He needs his own therapist to deal with his depression and the therapist can't be the same for marriage counseling. Otherwise there will be conflict of trust.

Maybe a weekend away would be really good for you both, to reconnect and unwind together. At the very least it will give you some time to focus on how he is relating to you.


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## ChiGirl (Jan 20, 2013)

I'm sorry you are going through all this, and with a new baby!

My story is a little different from yours, and my STBX has a lot of issues BUT when I was diagnosed with a neurological disorder my H went a similar route- hanging out till 8am, drinking with his buddies while I can barely walk from surgery, kind of regressing into a little kid I guess.

Then it kind of went to sh*t. He got abusive, impulsive.. when we went to MC he also said a lot of hurtful things I have never heard before (along the lines of your H)..

I don't understand this either, because I have never tried to dodge responsibility and go out till whenever. Some men just can't handle pressure or stress well, maybe it's a mental illness, or upbringing.. or whatever but they seem to crack under pressure.

Someone on here mentioned dealing with the depression, and I think MC should really bring that up to him, because unless HE takes some responsibility and deals with that how can you make things work? There are a lot of sub mental illnesses that can go hand in hand with depression. 

I really hope you can resolve this and become a family again


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