# Am I too needy or is he too selfish and lazy??



## frustrated.wife (Jul 30, 2013)

My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We have been together for 11 years. I am 28 and he is 31. We started having sex 3 months after we started dating. I can say the moment we got married he did not want to have sex anymore. He didn't speak these words but it was obvious. On our honeymoon we barely had any sex. After we came home nothing changed. I was the one who always had to initiate sex and would often get rejected with the excuse that he is tired. Or he would say, "do we always have to have sex?" I would go to bed naked sometimes, walk around with no bra. Take off my clothes in front of him, no reaction. I have tried talking to him about it and it always ends with, I don't want to talk about this anymore, without us ever resolving anything. Lately I've noticed that when I agree to a quickie he's all for it but if I want a little more time spent he makes excuses. I have an issue with having orgasms and there are only certain ways i can get one or he finishes before me so I tell him he could do other things so that I can finish and he gets mad or frustrated and says "cant you do it yourself....do I always have to do it for you?" I have bought toys to make it easier or faster but I would like us both to part of it not just getting "myself off". Also, since we don't do it often, it hurts a little and if I tell him ouch or what to do so it doesn't hurt he gets mad and will often stop and give up or something and just leave me there. We often end sex with me crying because he got mad or and he just leaves me hanging and frustrated. I don't know what to do anymore. He doesn't want to talk about it and I don't want to fight anymore. Should I take care of myself on my own like he says or is he just lazy and doesnt want to have to satisfy me?


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

causes

1. blow to the head
2. tumor in the brain making him asexual (i think this happened on an episode of House)
3. Something wrong with his testicles shutting down testosterone production very young
4. He is gay and you are his beard.

Get him tested for the easiest (low testosterone) like today. If thats not it, tell him get his head checked, admit he is really gay, or divorce him before you waste time being his roomate.

Wife naked in bed, taking clothes of in front of husband and saying no?:wtf: My brain can not even comprehend.


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## frustrated.wife (Jul 30, 2013)

Middle of Everything said:


> causes
> 
> 1. blow to the head
> 2. tumor in the brain making him asexual (i think this happened on an episode of House)
> ...


Ha! Tell me about it.
We have not been able to have kids because of some problem with his testicles. We haven't done any further testing though but maybe we should.
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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Frustrated...contrary to the stereo-types you and most people have heard, there are MANY men who have LD (low desire). There are many reasons for LD in both genders.

Sometimes people are LD for reasons that are not going to change and they will always be this way.

If your sex life never improved from how it is right now, would you ever consider divorce?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Middle of Everything said:


> causes
> 
> 1. blow to the head
> 2. tumor in the brain making him asexual (i think this happened on an episode of House)
> ...


Medication side effect? Resentment? 

I will assume you don't smell bad or you are a beastly hair woman, so that's all I can add :scratchhead:


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## frustrated.wife (Jul 30, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Frustrated...contrary to the stereo-types you and most people have heard, there are MANY men who have LD (low desire). There are many reasons for LD in both genders.
> 
> Sometimes people are LD for reasons that are not going to change and they will always be this way.
> 
> If your sex life never improved from how it is right now, would you ever consider divorce?


I have considered it. We separated once about 2 years ago because of this issue and others. But I don't know if to call myself weak or dumb, but I couldn't stay without him. He is my first everything and I care about him. He was heartbroken and cried to me every day that he wanted me back, that he wanted to fight for us. I took him back with conditions that he would go to counseling and try to better himself. None of my conditions have been met our even tried but I don't know if I can leave him again.
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## frustrated.wife (Jul 30, 2013)

mablenc said:


> Medication side effect? Resentment?
> 
> I will assume you don't smell bad or you are a beastly hair woman, so that's all I can add :scratchhead:


He's not on any meds and it could be resentment but I wouldn't know because he won't talk to me.
Oh, and I don't think I smell and I'm not hairy lol!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

You can't change another person and it doesn't sound like he is willing to change. It also doesn't sound like you are willing to walk out over this issue. So what you will find out if you stick around and keep reading, is that the situation isn't likely to change.

You will just have to end up managing your sexual frustration, more than likely.

Thank you very much for posting here, no matter how things turn out. It helps to dispel the myth that only women are LD.


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## frustrated.wife (Jul 30, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> You can't change another person and it doesn't sound like he is willing to change. It also doesn't sound like you are willing to walk out over this issue. So what you will find out if you stick around and keep reading, is that the situation isn't likely to change.
> 
> You will just have to end up managing your sexual frustration, more than likely.
> 
> Thank you very much for posting here, no matter how things turn out. It helps to dispel the myth that only women are LD.


I don't think I can walk out again, I don't think I can go through the heartbreak of his pain (or great acting skills) again. And I could hope that he can change but we would probably have to be in counseling for the rest of our lives. I've thought of going to counseling myself to see if there is something that I need. 

So what I get from most of you is that he is the one that needs help whether it be bc of a hormone or his issues?
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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Well yes, of course, in marriage both partners should be happily eager to please each other!

However...if your husband doesn't see it as something he wants to do, and if you aren't willing to leave over it...what can anyone else say or do? It is between you and him. Yes, in my opinion he "should" do whatever he can to please you in bed. But my opinion and no one else's will ever hold any sway over your husband.


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## frustrated.wife (Jul 30, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Well yes, of course, in marriage both partners should be happily eager to please each other!
> 
> However...if your husband doesn't see it as something he wants to do, and if you aren't willing to leave over it...what can anyone else say or do? It is between you and him. Yes, in my opinion he "should" do whatever he can to please you in bed. But my opinion and no one else's will ever hold any sway over your husband.


Thank you, that is all I am asking for.. opinions, suggestions, thoughts and ideas.
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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I for one, definitely think you should go ahead and learn how to give yourself the best O's you are capable of, since he isn't interested in helping you!


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

You have tried it all. How about showing him this thread after you have a few more responses. What's the worse that can happen?


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## frustrated.wife (Jul 30, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> I for one, definitely think you should go ahead and learn how to give yourself the best O's you are capable of, since he isn't interested in helping you!


Haha! That is also one of the things I'm thinking of trying. I read the books "Sex For One" and "I love orgasms" or something like that and they were really good but I just haven't worked on it. But it makes me sad that I have to do it alone when I can do it with the person I love. Oh well...


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## frustrated.wife (Jul 30, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> You have tried it all. How about showing him this thread after you have a few more responses. What's the worse that can happen?


Eeehhhh I don't think it will end well if I show him this. He will probably get angry because I put our problem out there on the web or for some other reason. Seems like a good idea to open his eyes but I think that's where it would end. Thank you though, I'll think about it.
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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Tell him you met a 20 year old fitness buff and he is interested in pleasing you, since hubby won't. If he agrees:
-He doesn't give a rats a** about you OR:
-He's gay.

If he disagrees, tell him he has 1 month to read all he can about the female orgasm, and you expect satisfying sex 2-3 times a week.

Good luck!


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## frustrated.wife (Jul 30, 2013)

scatty said:


> Tell him you met a 20 year old fitness buff and he is interested in pleasing you, since hubby won't. If he agrees:
> -He doesn't give a rats a** about you OR:
> -He's gay.
> 
> ...


Hahaha! My husband is crazy jealous, that would not turn out good for me to say that. He has told me before, "go find yourself someone better then since I'm not good enough for you." He's a frustrating man.
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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I went to individual counseling 2 months ago to deal with sexual issues that I thought were my husbands - but ended up uncovering a bunch of my own. 

I would suggest you going to counseling at least to deal with your frustration and also to help with your self esteem - which has got to be suffering from your husbands constant rejection. 

I think there is an extra shame to be with a man who avoids sex with you - because women are supposed to be able to get sex with no effort and men are stereotypically supposed to be chasing us constantly. To either gender it is soul crushing to be rejected by a spouse.

I'm a bit mad for you that you went through separation and he cried to come back and make it better and didn't follow through. This does not portray him as a man of his word nor does it portray him as a man who is that afraid of losing you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

While on the surface it sounds like your husband might be low drive for one reason or another. The fact that he is up for quickies and then tells you to take care of yourself…. It sounds like he’s a selfish man.

My husband said something like that to me once. He told me that my orgasms were not his responsibility. This was during sex after he had his orgasm. After those words of wisdom he just went to sleep. So the next time he wanted sex we got started. I waited until he was going pretty strong and just stopped. I told him that his orgasms were not my responsibility. And I walked away.

He never made that sort of stupid comment again.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

frustrated.wife said:


> I don't think I can walk out again, I don't think I can go through the heartbreak of his pain (or great acting skills) again. And I could hope that he can change but we would probably have to be in counseling for the rest of our lives. I've thought of going to counseling myself to see if there is something that I need.


This is why he makes no changes. He knows that you will not leave him no matter what he does. Sometimes you have to be willing to lose a relationship in order to impress on your spouse that you are serious about taking care of problems.


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## frustrated.wife (Jul 30, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> While on the surface it sounds like your husband might be low drive for one reason or another. The fact that he is up for quickies and then tells you to take care of yourself…. It sounds like he’s a selfish man.
> 
> My husband said something like that to me once. He told me that my orgasms were not his responsibility. This was during sex after he had his orgasm. After those words of wisdom he just went to sleep. So the next time he wanted sex we got started. I waited until he was going pretty strong and just stopped. I told him that his orgasms were not my responsibility. And I walked away.
> 
> He never made that sort of stupid comment again.


My husband has told me those exact words and did the exact same thing but not just once. One time I did have the opportunity to throw it back at him and he was upset and I told him that's what you tell me, you don't like it do you. He agreed that it wasn't right but nothing has changed.
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## frustrated.wife (Jul 30, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> This is why he makes no changes. He knows that you will not leave him no matter what he does. Sometimes you have to be willing to lose a relationship in order to impress on your spouse that you are serious about taking care of problems.


I believe this completely, I feel like he knows I won't really leave him so he doesn't really need to change. But like I said I don't know if I can go through that again. Seems like I should though.
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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

u know, one of the BIZZARE incidences regarding LD in men that I have come across was actually due to him turning gay and that he actually loves to be in the comfort of his male companions instead of female...


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