# Love my MIL or Divorce



## Mrs J (Apr 25, 2010)

So I am happily(for the most part) married to a mama's boy. I thought it would get better as he got older, but so far, it's only improved slightly. I feel like he has slowly let go, but his mom keeps pulling him back. She hates me and so does her whole family. He keeps saying that he's family oriented and family is important to him. I admire that totally, and I want him to spend time with his mom, just not all the time. We need time to build our own marriage before she tears down what we've built. She always tries to give him marriage advice, even when he doesn't ask for it, and she's never even been married. On top of that, it's TERRIBLE advice. "Married people never fight, if you fight with her, you need to get a divorce" "Marriage is easy", all kinds of other nonsense. He actually listens to it and believes it most of the time. He is soooo stubborn and stuck in his ways so a lot of times there is no talking to him about things. All I want is to be number one. I WANT him to have a relationship with them. But he also needs to be focused on ensuring I have a relationship with them too. I mean, we have only been married for 2 years, but still, you can't remember to save my number for 2 years now? yeah right! Everytime he goes there for a weekend(once a month), he comes back different. We work on soooo much together and when he comes back it's like all of our work went to waste. He told me today that this situation HAS to end. I agree. But I need him to talk to her too. My mom wasn't all that favorable of him at first, but I kept telling her how wonderful he is, even if I had to sugar coat it a bit. I can't stand his mom. I really can't. I would be fake but I'm a true and honest person. I am very nice to her when I speak with her, and I even give her hugs. But she is always trying to take him away. Always. Sometimes she even comes all the way to our house, over an hour away, to pick him up when we fight. She can never let him fight his own battles. She always wants to be in the middle. It's like she hasn't let go! She filed our taxes last year, Married Filing separately.. and we lost a LOT of money because of it. She even signed his name, he didn't even know about it!!! Keep in mind he hadn't change his address until a few weeks ago, so that's why everything went there. But she's always doing things . She even tried to get him a loan for his dream car without consulting with us!!!! Of course he didn't say anything to her as he was thrilled, but thankfully it was denied. We could never afford it! I hate how she always puts herself in the middle. Instead of calling while I'm at work, she's calls while I'm home... and especially when she knows its around the time we tend to get intimate. He told me today that this has to end OR we end!!! I can't believe it! What irks me is that when I need things, and she needs things the same time.... he will always serve her first. ESPECIALLY like today, She needs help with medical terminology. Why can't that be done over the phone? Why am I never invited to any of their gatherings/cookouts? His whole family hates me. I am so in love with my husband and I don't want to lose him. But this situation has me frustrated and in tears. What do I do?

Thanks for you help!
With love, - Mrs. J


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

What do you do about what? I don't really get what you're asking for. What is it he keeps saying has to end? His mother's controlling? Then why doesn't he put a stop to it? Or is he referring to something else that you forgot to tell us about?


----------



## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

Ugh being married to a momma's boy is so hard. The only way to detach him from her is to go live far far away.


----------



## Mrs J (Apr 25, 2010)

No he is saying the beef between his mother and I must end. But I can't make her like me. I hate the person she makes him.


----------



## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

Mrs J said:


> No he is saying the beef between his mother and I must end. But I can't make her like me. I hate the person she makes him.


Been there done that!

I tried to make my MIL like me too but there's only so much you can do without kissing ass and well, that's never an option at least for me lol

Don't try too hard to make her like you. Why do we have to _make_ someone like us?

If she refuses to get to know you it's her problem. You should just try and have a good relationship with your husband, show him you love him and make sure HE likes you.

Did he threaten to end your marriage if YOU didn't stop fighting with his mom? As far as I know it's a 2 way street and she has to do something about it too, like backing off!

Has he ever had a serious talk about with her? Does he acknowledge the fact that her behavior is inappropriate?


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Oh, in that case he is again and as usual choosing his mother over you when he said, "this has to end OR we end!!!" What kind of mess is that? At any rate, I suspect he is talking about your reactions to his mother and the things she does or that you complain about her and so on. You can't control her, but you can control how you respond to her and the things she does. For example, if you sigh, make faces, complain, talk about her, etc. when she does something or when she calls, then he takes those as constant reminders of the fact that you two don't get along and you don't like each other. You are right in the way you feel concerning her, but he doesn't want to be constantly reminded. He doesn't want your reactions and derogatory things you say about his mother. He also doesn't care for you complaining that he treats his mother better than you. He's a mama's boy. You already know that. You married him anyway. If you want to stay married to him, it will behoove you to do what you can to keep peace in your home. At least, don't be the one who creates a hostile environment for your husband. If it bothers you that he is a wimp and mama's boy, then leave. If you want to stay with him, then accept him for what he is just like when you married him.


----------



## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> He also doesn't care for you complaining that he treats his mother better than you. He's a mama's boy. You already know that. You married him anyway. If you want to stay married to him, it will behoove you to do what you can to keep peace in your home. At least, don't be the one who creates a hostile environment for your husband. If it bothers you that he is a wimp and mama's boy, then leave. If you want to stay with him, then accept him for what he is just like when you married him.


:iagree: 

Also you can make _him_ choose; either he puts an end to his mother's behavior and devotes himself to you and your marriage or *you * leave. 
Just make sure you don't waste 20 years fighting for the #1 spot in his life before you realize it's not worth it and regret having lost so many years being unhappy.

He is easily brainwashed just like my husband and the less time he spends with his parents the better. It's not that he shouldn't see them and spent time with them at all, but why does he need to stay over at their place so often?


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

cherrypie18 said:


> Also you can make _him_ choose; either he puts an end to his mother's behavior and devotes himself to you and your marriage or *you * leave.
> Just make sure you don't waste 20 years fighting for the #1 spot in his life before you realize it's not worth it and regret having lost so many years being unhappy.
> 
> He is easily brainwashed just like my husband and the less time he spends with his parents the better. It's not that he shouldn't see them and spent time with them at all, but why does he need to stay over at their place so often?


:iagree:


----------



## Mrs J (Apr 25, 2010)

Yeah..... I agree I could ignore her and just grin and bare it, but even when i do that.... the things she says to him and whatever she says to him during that one weekend a month, it changes him into a complete jerk when he comes home on Monday. Granted, it's not every weekend. But still. We spend so much time building the marriage of our dreams, and everytime he spends his weekend/month there, it's like we are back at square one. 

I knew I was marrying a momma's boy.... but I was told Momma's boys are good things. A man will treat his wife with the same love and respect he treats his wife. If he has a bad relationship with her, be worried and consider it a red flag. that's what I was taught by manyyyyy people. I just thought that she wouldn't be "yanking the chain" back so hard. I also guess that that rule doesn't apply until her passing. HE will always answer to her before me. It sucks. I am his wife. I should be number one.


----------



## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

Mrs J said:


> I knew I was marrying a momma's boy.... but I was told Momma's boys are good things. A man will treat his wife with the same love and respect he treats his wife. If he has a bad relationship with her, be worried and consider it a red flag. that's what I was taught by manyyyyy people. I just thought that she wouldn't be "yanking the chain" back so hard. I also guess that that rule doesn't apply until her passing. HE will always answer to her before me. It sucks. I am his wife. I should be number one.


I was told these things also lol 
Yeah they treat us good (at first) until it's time to choose and he chooses the woman he's known all his life, the woman who knows him better than us, who knows how to pull his strings and manipulate him, she raised him after all and she knows how to pull him back if she feels like he's slipping away from her.

Momma's boys don't make good life partners, as far as my experience has taught me. Unless he acknowledges it and actually does something about it, it'll be a never ending battle for you. 

Even staying at their house once a month for a whole weekend is too much. He's a married man not a college kid, and I really doubt they'll die without him. If it's just 1 hour drive he can drive back the same day. 

Make him choose, don't let him make YOU choose: shut up or he leaves? If he really loves you he'll take care of his mother's behavior. She's HIS mom not yours. 

My husband only said he loves me, but his actions proved otherwise.

Why should you sit there and watch him have a relationship with his mommy without including you? It's his mom who should watch her son and his wife have a relationship not the other way around! She had her chance to build her life and marriage, and you deserve to do the same. It's just not fair 

P.S. I heard you know how a woman will treat her husband by the way she treats her brother, maybe the same goes for men and their sisters?


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

That is understood to be true but doesn't apply to mama's boys. Perhaps you misconstrued and combined the two terms or maybe someone got it mixed up when they told it to you.


----------



## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

Well momma's boys respect their mothers a lot and have a great relationship with them, and some women like myself tend to miss the momma's boy part.
I admired my husband's respect for his mom, and only a few years later did I realize what I'd gotten myself into. When problems arose that's when I was able to distinguish the difference between a respectful son and a momma's boy. My h didn't complain to them about me, as far as I know (but who knows) but he failed to stand up to her and tell her to back off. He is emotionally way too attached to them and can't live without asking for their opinion on something. 
I don't think a grown man needs to consult his mom or dad about the decisions he's supposed to make with his wife and wife alone.


----------

