# if my wife cheated who should be told



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I have a number of questions here 
First should I tell the lover wife ?
Should my wife tell his wife ?
Should we tell her family 
should we tell my family 
should we tell our kids


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

frenchpaddy said:


> I have a number of questions here
> First should I tell the lover wife ?
> Should my wife tell his wife ?
> Should we tell her family
> ...


It depends on the circumstances and what you are choosing to do.

The AP's wife should know at a minimum.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

You should tell his wife. If you're divorcing, then everyone is going to find out so it's better to tell your family yourself. What she does about her family is her business. As for the kids, it depends on their ages. Children, especially littles, don't need to be burdened with that. Honestly, I'm not convinced adult children need to know, although they're going to ask and if they do, the truth is probably the best way to go.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Well I think it is a matter between the two of us and no one else. if I think I WOULD BE THE ONE TELLING HIS WIFE 
sadly it would be only from the point of view of hurting him


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

As the BS I think it's OK for you to tell the APs partner. 

Beyond that, you pick one or two confidants so you have place to vent but otherwise airing your dirty laundry to punish the wayward spouse doesn't sound like a great idea. 

Sheild the small kids (under 19) from any sordidness. They don't need that in their lives. Be diplomatic in what you tell your adult kids too. Even though the BS is hurt & angry, don't make the kids chose.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Is this a hypothetical? If so, too many variables for a blanket answer.

if not, a lot more detail is needed. But at a minimum, AP wife should know, as well as your wife’s family.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

I would not tell the kids. Or family members. the guy’s wife? He can tell her. Not your duty


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

if he had a boss and he was playing around on work time I would report him just to get my own back ,


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

frenchpaddy said:


> I have a number of questions here
> First should I tell the lover wife ?
> Should my wife tell his wife ?
> Should we tell her family
> ...


Some of the answers depend on the situation, and the intent. 

The OM's wife should know. There aren't many situations when the other BS shouldn't be informed. One of my wife's AP's was married and my wife told her about the affair but I'm not sure I like that idea or not. If the WS is going to tell the other BS, "you" should be present as well or at least have the call recorded (no texting - way too easy to fake). 

I told _everyone_ about my wife's infidelity. I would advise against that. 

Sure one might think they are going to divorce after D-Day but emotions are high in the beginning and it really can go either way. If the couple decides to reconcile, having everyone know can make it a lot harder. I had to cut most of family and friends out of my life because they couldn't let it go, accept my choice, and be decent human beings to my wife. That results in my parents having no relationship with my three youngest kids and losing the relationships they had with the three older ones. 

And sure it felt great in the beginning to have everyone trashing her but was that actually helpful? Probably not. That's where intent comes in. D or R, why is the BS telling family and friends? Is it because the BS needs support? Because the BS knows the WS will rewrite history and turn everyone against the BS? Is it because the BS just wants shout from the rooftops that the WS is a POS? 

As for telling the kids, that's a controversial one. It depends on the situation. Three of my kids know about one of my wife's affairs. They needed to know because one of those kids was conceived from that affair and they had questions about having a different dad, the birth order, etc. They don't know about the other affair because there is no need for it. I could explain what was going on and why it was happening without telling them every detail. 

If the parents are fighting and/or divorcing, the kids DO need to have an answer as to why and it needs to be something that they can understand. Without that they will blame themselves or what's going on just won't make sense. They can understand being sad, lying, breaking rules (like mom or dad having a boyfriend), etc. and affairs can be explained that way.

It will change the relationships the kids have with the WS though. That's a consequence but it is one that I wish didn't have to happen. In my case, there was really no way around it though.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

To me, it would be “why” am I telling all of these people? For revenge? To help the AP’s spouse? I think once you can figure out the why, the who will follow.

As horrible and painful as infidelity is, how you respond to it is more about you than them.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

*Deidre* said:


> To me, it would be “why” am I telling all of these people?


Your point is understandable, thinking it's all about revenge. For me, telling the AP's spouse is not about revenge. I would want someone to tell me, I'm treating them the way I would want to be treated. It's about helping that person to not waste any more of their lives on a marriage that is a lie. The AP's spouse is a victim, just like the BS, and deserves for SOMEONE to have enough respect for them to let them know what's going on.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Your point is understandable, thinking it's all about revenge. For me, telling the AP's spouse is not about revenge. I would want someone to tell me, I'm treating them the way I would want to be treated. It's about helping that person to not waste any more of their lives on a marriage that is a lie. The AP's spouse is a victim, just like the BS, and deserves for SOMEONE to have enough respect for them to let them know what's going on.


I didn’t say telling the AP’s spouse is about revenge. I said “to help the AP’s spouse?” Which I think makes sense. I can also see close close family and the kids if there are kids involved, age appropriate information. But I’ve read stories on here where the BS tells everyone and decided to stay with the WS and years later, the WS (no longer) is still wearing a forever Scarlett letter. Because people in the community and so on know. I don’t think personally, that’s a good approach. That’s just me.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

*Deidre* said:


> I didn’t say telling the AP’s spouse is about revenge. I said “to help the AP’s spouse?” Which I think makes sense. I can also see close close family and the kids if there are kids involved, age appropriate information. But I’ve read stories on here where the WS tells everyone and decided to stay with the BS, and years later, the BS is still wearing a forever Scarlett letter. Because people in the community and so on know. I don’t think personally, that’s a good approach. That’s just me.


I would agree with that, especially about telling the family. One of my friends was unfaithful. Her husband told everyone. He called her brothers, her parents, drunk and cursing them out for raising such a W*_(&_, all of her friends, posted all over social media about what she'd done, including the text messages between them that she gave him as part of the disclosure. Then he decided he wanted to reconcile and all of that was out and everyone knew. His family treats her like garbage now. So I think motive matters. I was just trying to explain why I felt you should tell the AP's spouse. Not to hurt anyone, but because I would want someone to tell me.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

*Deidre* said:


> I didn’t say telling the AP’s spouse is about revenge. I said “to help the AP’s spouse?” Which I think makes sense. I can also see close close family and the kids if there are kids involved, age appropriate information. But I’ve read stories on here where the BS tells everyone and decided to stay with the WS and years later, the WS (no longer) is still wearing a forever Scarlett letter. Because people in the community and so on know. I don’t think personally, that’s a good approach. That’s just me.


I didn't have to tell the AP's spouse, he was in on it! 🤣🤣🤣🤣


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I would just divorce her.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Numb26 said:


> I didn't have to tell the AP's spouse, he was in on it! 🤣🤣🤣🤣


Lol!!! There you go! There is no cookie cutter one right way to deal with infidelity. I dealt with a cheating bf before I got married, I can’t imagine the range of emotions dealing with it happening in my marriage.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I would agree with that, especially about telling the family. One of my friends was unfaithful. Her husband told everyone. He called her brothers, her parents, drunk and cursing them out for raising such a W*_(&_, all of her friends, posted all over social media about what she'd done, including the text messages between them that she gave him as part of the disclosure. Then he decided he wanted to reconcile and all of that was out and everyone knew. His family treats her like garbage now. So I think motive matters. I was just trying to explain why I felt you should tell the AP's spouse. Not to hurt anyone, but because I would want someone to tell me.


This….so much this. We could say “well, that person cheated so too bad if everyone looks at them differently now,” but I disagree. Telling people who truly don’t need to know is unwise. And unkind.

And I agree about the AP’s spouse. Wouldn’t that be weird though if they said “I don’t care.” Or the opposite, like they lose their mind and try to destroy their cheating spouse’s life. I wonder if the AP’s spouse would believe it, I try to imagine the scenario.

But the WS caused the situation so…ugh, just thinking this through. It would be horrible!


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

*Deidre* said:


> This….so much this. We could say “well, that person cheated so too bad if everyone looks at them differently now,” but I disagree. Telling people who truly don’t need to know is unwise. And unkind.


Well and in this situation, they stayed together. It's incorrect for me to say "reconcile." There was zero forgiveness and he's making her life a living hell. It's one thing to tell your parents so they know why their child is having to go through a divorce and another to shame her on her church's Facebook page.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Well and in this situation, they stayed together. It's incorrect for me to say "reconcile." There was zero forgiveness and he's making her life a living hell. It's one thing to tell your parents so they know why their child is having to go through a divorce and another to shame her on her church's Facebook page.


Exactly. Agree completely. That’s a great way to say it.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

frenchpaddy said:


> I have a number of questions here
> First should I tell the lover wife ?
> Should my wife tell his wife ?
> Should we tell her family
> ...


Yes to all of these questions. Your wife should be the one to tell everyone. It needs to be the complete truth. That doesn’t mean details of what she did. She shouldn’t make any excuses or blame shift when she tells people.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

ABHale said:


> Yes to all of these questions. Your wife should be the one to tell everyone. It needs to be the complete truth. That doesn’t mean details of what she did. She shouldn’t make any excuses or blame shift when she tells people.


I’m not sure I’ve ever read this advice on here but it’s really a smart way to go about it - the one who cheated should be the one to tell, not the betrayed spouse.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> I have a number of questions here
> First should I tell the lover wife ?
> Should my wife tell his wife ?
> Should we tell her family
> ...


YOU should expose to everyone on your list for one very simple reason. Cheaters lie, deny and minimize what they have done.

You should tell the lover's wife because that is the last person your wife will want to be aware of the affair.

You should tell both your family and hers because she will lie, minimize and deny. She will also try to blame her cheating and poor decisions on you.

You should tell your kids but you do not have to include all the details. Kids are not stupid. They will ask what is going on especially if you choose to divorce.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Scorched Earth depending on the age of the children. I wouldn't worry so much about airing dirty laundry, the damage can't get worse, but then again I'm not one to reconcile.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

frenchpaddy said:


> _*Well I think it is a matter between the two of us and no one else. if I think I WOULD BE THE ONE TELLING HIS WIFE
> sadly it would be only from the point of view of hurting him*_



I completely agree with this.

You should tell his wife because she deserves to know.

Children don't have to be told SQUAT with regard to infidelity. It's none of their business; marital issues are *private* and kids don't have to be told your private, intimate issues every time you're having trouble. Why on earth some folks *insist* that infidelity has to be told to their kids is a mystery to me. Unless that infidelity causes an actual change in the family structure such as daddy moving out etc., then it isn't written in stone that you have to tell your kids a darned thing.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I completely agree with this.
> 
> You should tell his wife because she deserves to know.
> 
> Children don't have to be told SQUAT with regard to infidelity. It's none of their business; marital issues are *private* and kids don't have to be told your private, intimate issues every time you're having trouble. Why on earth some folks *insist* that infidelity has to be told to their kids is a mystery to me. Unless that infidelity causes an actual change in the family structure such as daddy moving out etc., then it isn't written in stone that you have to tell your kids a darned thing.


 honestly I would only be doing it to get my own back on the other guy , 
Kind of the my way of given him a black eye as I am not a fighter ,lol


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> I have a number of questions here
> First should I tell the lover wife ?
> Should my wife tell his wife ?
> Should we tell her family
> ...


I'd say your wife should tell the OMs wife and you sit and listen to make sure she isn't sugarcoating it.

If she won't, then yes, you tell her.

Tell your wife's family? Meh...depends. If you want to be able to still hold your head fairly high at family functions and are reconciling, no. 
If you plan to divorce, yes, I'd be telling them the kind of woman they raised.

Tell your family? Same answer as above.

No, I would not tell the kids. Only time I'd tell the kids is if there was a divorce and only if she tried to blame you for the downfall in the marriage our sought to poison their minds against you.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

The other cheater's spouse deserves to know the truth, so they can make informed decisions, including protecting their health. After that, it really depends on the circumstances, as others have pointed out.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

I would inform the guy she's cheating with about all the bills of hers that he's responsible for now and I would inform her of when I would have all my stuff cleaned out.

Anything more than that is a big waste of time.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

French Paddy,

You wrote,

*I have a number of questions here
First should I tell the lover wife ?
Should my wife tell his wife ?
Should we tell her family 
should we tell my family
should we tell our kids*

Yes to all...and more so expose to everyone in OMs life, tell his kids as well, perhaps wait until they are legal adults, then be prepared for him to confront you.

At the absolute minimum to the OMW, her reaction will tell you something about OM and their relationship. If she doesn't care or is indifferent she may have known about the affair and did nothing or even participated in it. In either case she was an accessory to the crime and can be held accountable same as OM.

Exposure also demonstrates to your next partner, if you are divorcing, that you take cheating seriously and will respond aggressively. Even if you are staying in the marriage it's sets a precedent that you will not take things laying down.

Considering that cheating on you was cheating on your children also, exposure is the least harsh of consequences.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

A buddy of mines wife left him and their two girls for her boss. She abandoned the kid’s upfront until her lawyer informed her about alimony and child support.
He sat his kids down and told them they were getting a divorce because their mom had a boyfriend. He showed them who he was so they wouldn’t get blindsided. Found out she had already introduced them to him. That’s why it’s never good to lie to your kids.
So the APs wife who was pregnant at the time sent him a letter she had written to his wife about how her affair with her husband had impacted her and their family. In the meantime his wife was telling everyone her story of why they were getting a divorce. 😂
He sent out the APs wife’s letter to all friends and family and labeled it The Truth.
Worked out great for him. 😎


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> A buddy of mines wife left him and their two girls for her boss. She abandoned the kid’s upfront until her lawyer informed her about alimony and child support.
> He sat his kids down and told them they were getting a divorce because their mom had a boyfriend. He showed them who he was so they wouldn’t get blindsided. Found out she had already introduced them to him. That’s why it’s never good to lie to your kids.
> So the APs wife who was pregnant at the time sent him a letter she had written to his wife about how her affair with her husband had impacted her and their family. In the meantime his wife was telling everyone her story of why they were getting a divorce. 😂
> He sent out the APs wife’s letter to all friends and family and labeled it The Truth.
> Worked out great for him. 😎


The children often know a lot more than we think , 
Some times they think it is a special friend but they know it is not like other friends


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## Woodford (6 mo ago)

theloveofmylife said:


> The other cheater's spouse deserves to know the truth, so they can make informed decisions, including protecting their health. After that, it really depends on the circumstances, as others have pointed out.


I agree with this. The other spouse is the only person who needs to know. And only after absolute proof. Allegations aren’t truth and you need to be careful. The scorched earth thing is just sour grapes. You should be happy they are gone and move on with your life. People don’t cheat in perfect marriages. Plenty of blame to go around.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> So the APs wife who was pregnant at the time sent him a letter she had written to his wife about how her affair with her husband had impacted her and their family. In the meantime his wife was telling everyone her story of why they were getting a divorce. 😂
> He sent out the APs wife’s letter to all friends and family and labeled it The Truth.
> Worked out great for him. 😎


Sounds more like he responded to her cheating by hitting himself over the head with a frying pan. 

I can't think of a more dumb thing to do than to advertise your wife is throwing you out like garbage for another man to all your family and friends. It makes you look stupid for picking her, undesirable for getting cheated on and weak for dragging other people into your relationship all at the same time. Why don't you just poke out both your eyes too while you're at it?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

gaius said:


> Sounds more like he responded to her cheating by hitting himself over the head with a frying pan.
> 
> I can't think of a more dumb thing to do than to advertise your wife is throwing you out like garbage for another man to all your family and friends. It makes you look stupid for picking her, undesirable for getting cheated on and weak for dragging other people into your relationship all at the same time. Why don't you just poke out both your eyes too while you're at it?


He kept the home and divorced her promptly. I don’t see a problem with setting the record straight. It’s worked out great for him. He is remarried to an anesthesiologist. He traded way up.
His x is cut off except for text or email kids only.
I don’t see where having an unfaithful spouse is a reflection on the betrayed spouse.
Why hide it unless you’re the insecure type or a doormat.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> He kept the home and divorced her promptly. I don’t see a problem with setting the record straight. It’s worked out great for him. He is remarried to an anesthesiologist. He traded way up.
> His x is cut off except for text or email kids only.
> I don’t see where having an unfaithful spouse is a reflection on the betrayed spouse.
> Why hide it unless you’re the insecure type or a doormat.


Because how you carry yourself as a man matters. Running around town like your Paul Revere advertising the mother of your children is a cheating ***** reflects poorly on you. On several different levels.

I'm glad that he lucked out and that there are a lot of women out there who settle for less than. Because she didn't get with him because of that poor behavior. It was in spite of it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

gaius said:


> Because how you carry yourself as a man matters. Running around town like your Paul Revere advertising the mother of your children is a cheating *** reflects poorly on you. On several different levels.
> 
> I'm glad that he lucked out and that there are a lot of women out there who settle for less than. Because she didn't get with him because of that poor behavior. It was in spite of it.


Your opinion means what? Not much from what I see.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I would absolutely tell the AP's spouse, because they deserve to know.

I wouldn't tell our kids, especially little ones, you don't burden kids with adult problems, very cruel.

I don't know about telling family and friends, I guess that depends on what the end goal is, reconcile or divorce?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

gaius said:


> Because how you carry yourself as a man matters. Running around town like your Paul Revere advertising the mother of your children is a cheating *** reflects poorly on you. On several different levels.
> 
> I'm glad that he lucked out and that there are a lot of women out there who settle for less than. Because she didn't get with him because of that poor behavior. It was in spite of it.


That mother abandoned her children upfront until she was advised of the impact on child support and alimony. That mother destroyed her family and marriage for her boss. She ruined her own reputation. All he did was expose the truth because like most waywards she was rewriting history to cover herself.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

frusdil said:


> I would absolutely tell the AP's spouse, because they deserve to know.
> 
> I wouldn't tell our kids, especially little ones, you don't burden kids with adult problems, very cruel.
> 
> I don't know about telling family and friends, I guess that depends on what the end goal is, reconcile or divorce?


He told his kids in a sanitized way because his wife had already introduced them to her AP.
I’ve seen this happen before. Kids need one sane parent. They aren’t stupid. Why lie to your kids?
She was rewriting the script with the usual BS. He was mean and she found true love with her boss who’s wife was pregnant at the time.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Marc878 said:


> He told his kids in a sanitized way because his wife had already introduced them to her AP.
> I’ve seen this happen before. Kids need one sane parent. They aren’t stupid. Why lie to your kids?


I wouldn't lie to them, they deserve better than that. If they'd been introduced to the AP, I don't know how I'd handle that to be honest, probably similar to the OP.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

on the point if a couple get a divorce , then there is a high chance the victim will tell that the other was a cheater, 
Problem with the local gossips they are going to spread gossip and add to the story , and you will get gossip about both sides 
the more it is debated the more I thunk it might be best to tell as few as possible 

If there is not going to be a divorce the less people know is best , but if there is an affair the last to be told is the partner 
and the office or friends do gossip


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

frusdil said:


> I wouldn't lie to them, they deserve better than that. If they'd been introduced to the AP, I don't know how I'd handle that to be honest, probably similar to the OP.


He found out that she had introduced them to her AP during her affair then moved out and left them with him. His mother always kept the kids. They both worked. He saw a message come through on her phone the day she was leaving. Then he reviewed the phone bill records. Fairly typical affair. Nothing special or different from what you see here. She came back a few weeks later and said she wanted 50/50 custody.
He’s close to his kids. He was adamant about not lying to them.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> Your opinion means what? Not much from what I see.


Well, it's coming from a guy who's wife isn't interested in banging her boss. And part of the reason for that is how I carry myself.

If you think telling the kids "in a sanitized way" that mommy was banging her boss is a great idea go for it. If you want to be like the Palestinians, be so enraged and hung up on past wrongs that you drag your kids, your family, your friends and your town into your relationship mess then be my guest. It's really working out well for them and I'm sure it will work out well for you too Mark.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

gaius said:


> Well, it's coming from a guy who's wife isn't interested in banging her boss. And part of the reason for that is how I carry myself.
> 
> If you think telling the kids "in a sanitized way" that mommy was banging her boss is a great idea go for it. If you want to be like the Palestinians, be so enraged and hung up on past wrongs that you drag your kids, your family, your friends and your town into your relationship mess then be my guest. It's really working out well for them and I'm sure it will work out well for you too Mark.


_Not everyone is capable of sucking it up, lying to their kids and being a doormat. Whatever works for you is fine with me._


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

gaius said:


> Well, it's coming from a guy who's wife isn't interested in banging her boss. And part of the reason for that is how I carry myself.


That is a cheap shot , 
No need to try and punch other posters to try and win a debate by pulling them down by something so personal


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

frenchpaddy said:


> That is a cheap shot ,
> No need to try and punch other posters to try and win a debate by pulling them down by something so personal


No it's not. All I know about Mark is he has a friend who's wife left him for her boss and he admires how his friend handled it. Which I don't think he did particularly well.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> _Not everyone is capable of sucking it up, lying to their kids and being a doormat. Whatever works for you is fine with me._


Telling your kids that "mommy wasn't happy in our relationship anymore and she's decided to go and be with someone else" isn't lying or being a doormat. It's the absolute truth. You don't need to drag them into the conflict between you and your former spouse. A man protects his children. He doesn't use them as an emotional crutch.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

gaius said:


> No it's not. All I know about Mark is he has a friend who's wife left him for her boss and he admires how his friend handled it. Which I don't think he did particularly well.


thank you for pointing that out 
I thought it was Marks own wife , 
I find it is best to keep out of other peoples relationships you never know the full story not even if they are very close family


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

frenchpaddy said:


> on the point if a couple get a divorce , then there is a high chance the victim will tell that the other was a cheater,
> Problem with the local gossips they are going to spread gossip and add to the story , and you will get gossip about both sides
> the more it is debated the more I thunk it might be best to tell as few as possible
> 
> ...


It depends on the circumstance. In this instance his stbxw now xwife was rewriting history to justify her affair which is pretty typical. All he did was tell the truth. He was glad to get it off his chest. Plus she was bugging him to be friends, have family dinners, etc together with the kids. He officially shut that door permanently. Now it’s a tight no contact except text or email kids only. The kids adjusted to the new norm and there is no conflict because there’s no contact. I know 2-3 people that do this and they all say it works out well.
From what I’ve seen there are always a lot of people who know what’s up. It’s not as big a secret as most think. 
Who cares what people think. That’s not a good way to live your life IMO.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

gaius said:


> No it's not. All I know about Mark is he has a friend who's wife left him for her boss and he admires how his friend handled it. Which I don't think he did particularly well.


What you think doesn’t fit everyone.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

gaius said:


> Telling your kids that "mommy wasn't happy in our relationship anymore and she's decided to go and be with someone else" isn't lying or being a doormat. It's the absolute truth. You don't need to drag them into the conflict between you and your former spouse. A man protects his children. He doesn't use them as an emotional crutch.


 the kids often get used as weapons, bad idea 
you get people that forget kids need both a mother and a father some times we loose a parent because of health or other accent , but pushing a parent out of their kids life just because they were not the perfect husband or wife is unforgivable. 
Even a cheater can be a good father in the same way a cheater can be a good president.
and the added fact that 50/50 shared time will help them to see for themselves 

every case is different and courts and MC experts are not all ways right and often make bad rules and give bad advice


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

gaius said:


> Telling your kids that "mommy wasn't happy in our relationship anymore and she's decided to go and be with someone else" isn't lying or being a doormat. It's the absolute truth. You don't need to drag them into the conflict between you and your former spouse. A man protects his children. He doesn't use them as an emotional crutch.


Not telling kids the truth especially when they were introduced to her AP during her affair is a lie.
Kids aren’t stupid and keeping them in the dark only adds to their anxiety. The truth always fixes a lot of things. The wife put everyone in conflict by destroying the family. All he did was explain to them why they were getting a divorce. My friend was adamant about not lying to his kids. It worked out well for them. 
Lying, or withholding the truth is dishonorable. I prefer dealing with the truth upfront. People that I know and have dealt with appreciate honesty.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Not telling kids the truth especially when they were introduced to her AP during her affair is a lie.
> Kids aren’t stupid and keeping them in the dark only adds to their anxiety. The truth always fixes a lot of things. The wife put everyone in conflict by destroying the family. All he did was explain to them why they were getting a divorce. It worked out well for them.


I think many kids don't know what is best , 
even though many say that the kids are often happy that dad and mom divorced if there was a lot of fighting going on 
but from my children when they were in school , there was a lot of other kids in their class with divorced parents 
So much so that now when your children are starting school here the school ask all type questions 
like is the husband the father and has the your other child the same father 
and has the father or mother the right to pick up the kids after school 
and the list goes on and seems silly but they need to know now 
some kids in class can handle the divorce well many seem to be good with the new dad or mom 
I find most families that have 2 kids from mother and say 2 kids from dad and even one kid from the new union seem to fit in very well here , 
but you get the exceptions as well may be it is bad parents or just down to their make up 
even kids with to loving parents can have problems .


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

frenchpaddy said:


> I think many kids don't know what is best ,
> even though many say that the kids are often happy that dad and mom divorced if there was a lot of fighting going on
> but from my children when they were in school , there was a lot of other kids in their class with divorced parents
> So much so that now when your children are starting school here the school ask all type questions
> ...


Divorce is never good for kids. I would say being in a bad home environment isn’t either. 
Is divorce better than a bad environment? Depends on the parents. That is a mixed bag.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

So here's the thing, and it's probably SUPER unpopular. Are you trying to reconcile? Are you trying to shame the cheater? Who's going to benefit if children find out? Are these CHILDREN or are they grown adult children. Many whom have been burned by a cheating spouse want that revenge of telling everyone. 

What's the motive behind it all? That's my first question. I cheated on my husband almost 13 years ago. Worst mistake I ever made. He wanted to be sure all of my family knew, therefor I told them. His intention of making sure my family knew was to get them on 'his side.' Hell, I was on his side I felt so terribly. He wanted my family angry like he was, wanted me humiliated and I was. But, they didn't hate me and in telling them what I'd done, I was also forced to tell them about the alcoholism my husband was in, the verbal abuse he put me through, mentally abusing me, never hitting me, but trapping me in rooms so I couldn't exit. 

None of those things are good reasons for my behavior having an affair. I used my desperation for affection, for feeling like I didn't matter to fuel the one time I was given the slightest attention by another man. I should have left first. Can't exactly say why I didn't leave, maybe I wanted my cake and to eat it too, I loved my husband, I just wish I'd mattered more. Anyhow, the ultimate goal for him was to use what I did against me, I get it. I really do. I quit my job, I moved 1000 miles away with my husband, did all the things I could in penance, even enduring more abuse over the years. I was truly sorry, everyone who knew us and learned of the affair continued to love me anyway. He hated it. 

So where is your heart in it? What is the end goal? Simply to destroy them? May not work as planned, or maybe it will?


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> Not telling kids the truth especially when they were introduced to her AP during her affair is a lie.
> Kids aren’t stupid and keeping them in the dark only adds to their anxiety. The truth always fixes a lot of things. The wife put everyone in conflict by destroying the family. All he did was explain to them why they were getting a divorce. My friend was adamant about not lying to his kids. It worked out well for them.
> Lying, or withholding the truth is dishonorable. I prefer dealing with the truth upfront. People that I know and have dealt with appreciate honesty.


What adds to kids anxiety is putting them in a position where they have to pick sides in a war and acting weak in front of them. And that's what you do when you start to spew all the details about how mommy cheated and ran off on you.

I'm sure Marc that you're fine with lying to your kids all the time. About Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, how great they were in their school play. The reason you feel you should tell the kids the truth now is pure bitterness on your part. You want to turn them against their mother out of spite and revenge. And in that case, you're forgoing your responsibility to protect them as their father for your own perceived gain.

But that's the thing you don't get. You lose, you don't gain. And so do your kids.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

gaius said:


> Sounds more like he responded to her cheating by hitting himself over the head with a frying pan.
> 
> I can't think of a more dumb thing to do than to advertise your wife is throwing you out like garbage for another man to all your family and friends. It makes you look stupid for picking her, undesirable for getting cheated on and weak for dragging other people into your relationship all at the same time. Why don't you just poke out both your eyes too while you're at it?


The world you live in, the one that exists only in your head, isn't reality thankfully.

Do you live on manosphere and bitter bachelor videos?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

gaius said:


> Well, it's coming from a guy who's wife isn't interested in banging her boss. And part of the reason for that is how I carry myself.


LoL! There are plenty of men whose wives don't want to cheat with anyone and we are quite different from you in many aspects.

You actually thought I was backwards because my wife is sexually aggressive with me. LoL!

Here's a clue, if a woman wants to rip your clothes off, it's a good thing.😉


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> LoL! There are plenty of men whose wives don't want to cheat with anyone and we are quite different from you in many aspects.
> 
> You actually thought I was backwards because my wife is sexually aggressive with me. LoL!
> 
> Here's a clue, if a woman wants to rip your clothes off, it's a good thing.😉


I don't really know what you have to do with this topic Conan, but your wife wanting to rip your clothes off so she can have a few hours of not orgasming from your penis (just repeating what YOU said, not insulting you) isn't really what we're talking about. And the fact that you're almost in the elderly bracket and still haven't figured out what that means is why I try to avoid having conversations with you. I don't enjoy spending my day having to explain things to guy's twice my age.

So if you want to post in here, why not chime in with whether or not you'd tell your kids the truth if you found out your wife was cheating on you. Help Marc out why don't you.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

gaius said:


> I don't really know what you have to do with this topic Conan, but your wife wanting to rip your clothes off so she can have a few hours of not orgasming from your penis (just repeating what YOU said, not insulting you) isn't really what we're talking about. And the fact that you're almost in the elderly bracket and still haven't figured out what that means is why I try to avoid having conversations with you. I don't enjoy spending my day having to explain things to guy's twice my age.
> 
> So if you want to post in here, why not chime in with whether or not you'd tell your kids the truth if you found out your wife was cheating on you. Help Marc out why don't you.


PM's youngin. You're all talk and no show key board commando.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

gaius said:


> What adds to kids anxiety is putting them in a position where they have to pick sides in a war and acting weak in front of them. And that's what you do when you start to spew all the details about how mommy cheated and ran off on you.
> *It wasn’t just him. She left the kids for a period of time too. It was far from spewing all the details.
> Obviously you have no problem skewing details to suit your point of view.*
> 
> ...


You are being overly dramatic and can’t even get your facts straight. This wasn’t about me but a friend of mine. He told them in a very sanitized way. It had nothing to do with picking sides. More on the line of letting the kids know they were getting a divorce. Why and who the AP was. That’s when they told him their mom had already introduced them to her AP. You are skewing things falsely to suit your point of view.
Good fathers don’t lie to their kids or keep them in the dark about why their lives are changing.
A known is always better than an unknown. I’ve seen this done both ways. The truth is always better.
Just because you may not be able to handle dealing with problems upfront doesn’t mean everyone can’t.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> PM's youngin. You're all talk and no show key board commando.


So I'm guessing what you're trying to say is if your wife ever cheated on you you'd make multiple threads on it here, you'd tell your kids, the mailman, the checkout person at the grocery store. Pretty much anyone who would listen. You'd probably even make TikTok videos on it. Paul Revere wouldn't have sht on you.

Thanks for chiming in!


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

If Paul Revere was a modern man....


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

gaius said:


> If Paul Revere was a modern man....
> 
> View attachment 89042


You don't seem to know much information when it comes to dealing with infidelity. 

You should probably try reading more material and several threads dealing with it here.


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