# At a cross road



## lostinmd (Jul 8, 2012)

We have been married for little over 4 years now and have a wonderful three-year old boy together. Looking in from outside, we look like a great couple. However, we fight a lot and would not talk to each other at length. We both have very strong personalities and often butt head. I wanted to put in a new fence but he didn't. I wanted to level the back yard but he didn't. I wanted to try for another child but he didn't. That sort of disagreements. Lately, I was so fed up that I told myself I was going to do what I wanted to whether he agreed or not. Although he makes more money than I do, I don't rely on him financially and can afford what I want to do. That gives me flexibility. 

We are having another fight and it is probably a last straw. I am a pretty affectionate person and find my husband a tad "dry". I came to him one day when he was reading a book and asked him if he enjoyed it. He made grumpy noises because I was disturbing him and I half jokingly told him stop being grumpy. When I tried to get the blanket under him, he got upset and got up, threw the book on the table and walked away. I was just in tears. I felt like I was a nuisance to him rather than a wife. We have not been talking since (he made advance in bed once but I ignored it) as I can't bring myself to talk to someone who snapped at me and treated me like a nuisance. I sent him an email telling him how disappointing I was that he let this pass him and did not find anything wrong with it. Instead of apologizing, he pointed to other issues. 

It seems he can't own up to a problem and apologize for it when he is in the wrong. I believe things happen for a reason. Snapping at me for no reason and treating me like nuisance are telling signs that I am not his priority and that he does not welcome my companionship. Love is not a responsibility or duty (except when it comes to your children or parents) but comes from within. I can't make him feel more affectionate or more loving. Where it is there or it isn't.

This is my first marriage so of course I don't have any frame of reference. And I find it difficult to share with friends or family because it is too intimate. Am I being naive and unrealistic to expect married people still in love? Just because he snapped (more than once), does it mean he is not seeing me as a priority (he has told me many times that I was the most important person in his life)? I can't seem to see these issues resolved and would hate to hang on to something that isn't there. But how do I know for sure?

So lost and would appreciate any thought.


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

Welcome to the forum. Hopefully you'll get a lot of good advice here. My first thought was a question -- do you want to work on the marriage or not? If you do, and assuming H does too, I'd suggest MC to learn how to fight fairly and compromise. My in-laws were both very strong personalities; neither one would give in or compromise and as a result they fought all the time -- and I mean ALL the time about everything. There will always be disagreements in a marriage. A lot depends on how you work through them.

So the question is -- do you want to work on the marriage? It seems from reading your post that you're looking for a reason to justify ending it. 

Do you think you went into marriage with an unrealistic expectation of what day to day married life would be like? From reading your post it seems like your marriage is a lot like most others out there. And as far as being in love after 4 years of marriage -- I don't think that's unrealistic at all. When you got married you promised to love each other a lot longer than 4 years.

Again, I would get counseling if both of you have a desire to work on the marriage.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You dont mention if its his first marriage.
That you fight over everything is it real or just because he says no you say yes and vice versa. I suppose you need counselling. But you must have thought of that by now.
Many people cant own up to a problem and not just men!
You cant expect some people to apologise. Sorry isnt in their vocabulary. You have a son so you cant walk away but you have to make the best out of it you can. Was the reason because of money that he didnt want to do what you wanted.
Most couples fight over money. Ignoring or refusing his advances will only make matters worse. If he tells you youre his priority you should believe it. He has a different way of showing it.

You have to somehow agree to stop fighting. When your son gets bigger it will reflect on him as well. Perhaps you can get your H to come on here as well and tell us his side of the story.
This has been done before with a happy ending.


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## lostinmd (Jul 8, 2012)

Yes, I left out some details. This is my husband's second marriage. His first one lasted for about 3 years and from what I was told, his ex was not the responsible sort. We both are very responsible people and got along well on that point. We are fortunate that our finance is not an issue although we both are frugal and spend wisely. He did not think what I wanted to do with the house made good financial investment. I see it as an investment in lifetyle (safety to due to a fenced yard, and aesthetic for having a level back yard with grass, etc.)

You hit it on the head that I am also concerned about what my son would learn and how he would treat me. My husband is a good guy otherwise. I can trust him, he is very involved with raising our son, cleans (I cook), shares responsibility in grocery shopping and doing laundry. But almost everyone of us know about these good, decent people whose marriages do not last because the fun isn't there.


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

At first glance it seems like any other normal marriage, but i will point out a few things -



lostinmd said:


> Lately, I was so fed up that I told myself I was going to do what I wanted to whether he agreed or not. Although he makes more money than I do, I don't rely on him financially and can afford what I want to do.


This can be a slippery slope. 'I'll do what i want because i can' seldom works and it is generally the beginning of disintegration of a marriage. All it take is one spouse to do what they want without an agreement and the other does the same. Before you know there is chaos and the marriage will collapse 




lostinmd said:


> Instead of apologizing, he pointed to other issues.


Could you elaborate on what his issues are? Just like you have issues with him, he has issues with you as well. If you would like him to address your concerns maybe you could show him some openness on working on his?



lostinmd said:


> Snapping at me for no reason and treating me like nuisance are telling signs that I am not his priority and that he does not welcome my companionship.


From my own experience, snapping at someone is an indication of being frustrated with the person NOT that they are a nuisance or they don't want them. Here the problem lies in your interpretation of the gesture which is not consistent with the intent. 



lostinmd said:


> Am I being naive and unrealistic to expect married people still in love?


I know different people have different views on this. My personal view (from my experience) is that what starts in a marriage as love transforms into caring and partnership. So yes it is unrealistic to expect the honeymoon phase of any marriage to last forever.


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## lostinmd (Jul 8, 2012)

bluelaser said:


> At first glance it seems like any other normal marriage, but i will point out a few things -
> 
> 
> This can be a slippery slope. 'I'll do what i want because i can' seldom works and it is generally the beginning of disintegration of a marriage. All it take is one spouse to do what they want without an agreement and the other does the same. Before you know there is chaos and the marriage will collapse
> ...


---> I am a low drama and a tom boy of sort so I don't expect my husband to be all over me all the time but I expect more in a marriage than in a roommate situation. Otherwise, why be part of the headache?

I am a fiercely independent person and that has its perils. I often reevaluate what it is that I am getting that I didn't get as a single person? There was a post on this site about what wifes NEED from husbands. And I am the small majority that think that I don't need anything from my husband (I can provide for myself and my child). I am with him because I WANT to be with him. So I am looking for things beyond the "survival" (a house, food on the table, etc.).

Sorry for the long post. Really appreciate everyone's taking the time to help me see things not from my lense of views and be more objective.


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