# Surviving the Holidays



## Miserable1 (Dec 16, 2018)

Greetings,

I found this site last night and hoping that I can find others to commiserate with. 

About me. Married for 23 years, have 3 children together and I have one additional from a previous marriage. Never really argued or fought much aside from small disagreements. One night last December we had a disagreement about something very trivial (you honestly would laugh if I went into details). I guess that was his opportunity to make something out of nothing (because it really was such an insignificant disagreement). He started sleeping in the guest room that night. Figured it would pass by the next day but it didn't, he barely spoke to me. Soon after, he approached me and said that he didn't want to live with me, was unhappy and had been miserable for 15-20 years (mind you, we had 2 more children in that 'miserable; 15-20 years). He said that he was going to file for divorce and that he wanted to make things as easy and quick as possible....didn't want to go back and forth with attorneys because that's only going to cost $$. 2 days before our youngest turned 18 (convenient, right?), he provides me with his version of the settlement agreement. When he gave me the agreement, he said "it's as fair as I think it can be but if you want to have an attorney review it, you can". Well gee thanks for that. I retained my attorney and provided opposing counsel our edits along with a list of the property that I was keeping. He's keeping the house so I had to be the one to put down on paper everything that I was taking with me. Do you know how difficult that is? I essentially just listed out my personal possessions, very few furniture items and what I thought I would need to get by for the first couple of months in my own place. So I included "half of the towels" and "half of the flatware", you know, the basics. He comes back and freaking challenges me on "what towels?" and "be specific about what flatware". Are you kidding me? So we went back with another draft stating that he could keep all of the towels, all of the flatware, etc. 

Needless to say, it's still going back and forth. I've relented and basically given him everything but he still comes back for more. He's keeping the fully furnished 7 bdrm house. He's wiped out all of the cash that was in the house (about $8k) and wiped out any joint bank accounts we had. That's fine, he can have it....but he still keeps coming back for half of a small savings account that I have ($30k). I get that it's "marital money" but he's taken more than half of what he would get out of my savings through the cash and other accounts he's wiped clean. I know we can do a financial audit or I can show proof of what the balances were in the accounts as of the date of separation but all that is just time consuming and in the end, for such small amounts, I would be paying the attorney more than I could recoup so it's not even worth it. I pay every household bill, he pays the mortgage, that's it. He's demanding that I repay him half of the mortgage since date of separation but apparently there is no legal grounds for me to have him pay half of the other expenses.

I desperately want out of this house but I can't leave until he buys me out and removes me from the existing mortgage. We're still living in the same house because he refuses to leave even though he has all of his family in the area that he could stay with, I have none. So essentially, in order to avoid having to see him because he makes me ill, I've become a prisoner in my bedroom. I cook for my one remaining child still in the house and we eat meals together, he goes to his parents house and eats every meal there (his mom even packs his lunch for the next day...that's an entirely different story). Now it's Christmas....I don't have one single decoration displayed, not a tree, not even Christmas music playing. Talk about depressing....

So that's the gist of my story. I'm sure I was all over the place and I applaud you if you read this and actually followed it. How is everyone else in this situation surviving the holidays?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

I am so sorry you are struggling so much with your soon tobe ex husband. It sounds like he's being a complete *******. 

I just ended a 23 year relationship (5 days shy of 19 years married) with a walk away husband as well. Thankfully he behaved in a completely different manner than your husband. Mine had found 'a soft place to land' so pretty much was in infidelity la la land when he asked for the divorce. He literally left with the clothes on his back and nothing else. I got everything I asked for in the divorce settlement, he was so eager to get it done. 

Did you know he was so unhappy with the relationship?

Did you ever do marriage counseling?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

You need to stop letting him take advantage of you

You will regret it in the long run, you need to put on your big girl panties and suck it up. 

You deserve have of everything and you need to get it, he wants out, let him buy you off. 

Next, just so you know, he is having an affair, if you care anymore. 

So there is that. 

I know you are hurting, but you need to get your half of the marital assets so you can start a new life. 

Please get yourself together and stand up for yourself.


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## Miserable1 (Dec 16, 2018)

Pretty sure that an affair is involved though he's denied it. Just before our minor disagreement, he started wearing different clothes, working out, eating different things....and it was all after he started a new job. I also found a secret bank account that was in his name and his parents names - weird, right?

Believe me, I'm not one to roll over and let him get what he wants...I just don't know how much longer I can deal with this. I'm a prisoner in my own house. I dread coming home from work and Fridays? Forget about it, I don't even care about the weekends anymore because he's in and out, coming and going as he pleases. A year I've been living like this and for my emotional sanity, just to get this over with, I've given in. My daughter (who still lives at home finishing college) tells me that he says things like "all I want is the house, your mom can have everything inside the house, I don't care" but yet he challenges me on towels and flatware. He's spiteful and mean and is making this to be something I've done to cause it. I don't know if that's his way of ridding himself of any guilt or what but it's pretty painful that he's made me out to be the bad guy.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Miserable1 said:


> Pretty sure that an affair is involved though he's denied it. Just before our minor disagreement, he started wearing different clothes, working out, eating different things....and it was all after he started a new job. I also found a secret bank account that was in his name and his parents names - weird, right?
> 
> Believe me, I'm not one to roll over and let him get what he wants...I just don't know how much longer I can deal with this. I'm a prisoner in my own house. I dread coming home from work and Fridays? Forget about it, I don't even care about the weekends anymore because he's in and out, coming and going as he pleases. A year I've been living like this and for my emotional sanity, just to get this over with, I've given in. My daughter (who still lives at home finishing college) tells me that he says things like "all I want is the house, your mom can have everything inside the house, I don't care" but yet he challenges me on towels and flatware. He's spiteful and mean and is making this to be something I've done to cause it. I don't know if that's his way of ridding himself of any guilt or what but it's pretty painful that he's made me out to be the bad guy.


Yeah, he is having an affair, all the common signs. 

Look, it should not have gone like this. You have got to get yourself together and tell your lawyer to start over. 

If he want to end it, OK, but he does not get everything. 

If you need to go therapy then do it. My GF allowed this type of crap and she really regrets it to this day...


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

I agree with @BluesPower. It's time to get a shark lawyer and go after everything you're entitled to. I would also go as far as hiring PI to get as much dirt as you can on your STBX. It may not make a difference legally but as I have learned with my ex, cheaters don't like to have their "girlfriends" look like tramps to friends and family. Makes it harderto introduce them to the family/kids as "the new girlfriend" if you know now what I mean.


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## Miserable1 (Dec 16, 2018)

Meant to comment, marriage counseling wasn't even an option. He literally stopped talking to me one night then soon after presented me with the "I want a divorce".

The problem with starting over is that it's just going to delay things even further and I honestly don't know how much more I can take. I'm so pent up with anger, bitterness and sadness. I know all of that will improve once I'm OUT of this house and don't have to see him or his family anymore. It's family property that I live on so his family are my neighbors and they've completely stopped all communication with me so I'm unsure of what he's told them.

I'm $7k into my attorney already and we don't even have a signed settlement agreement yet.

It's a large house completely full with game room, media room, gym, 7 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms....don't ask me why we built this big, that was sort of his doings. The problem with taking *half* of the personal property is that I can't do anything with it. I plan on buying a small townhouse for me and my daughter (likely she's moving out as soon as she graduates school) - where would I put everything? I'm the one that has to pack up and I'm the one that has to relocate. I asked my attorney about being compensated financially rather than taking my half of the property....he said that we would have to get appraisers to come into the house, assess the value of each item and then come up with a number. All that means to me is more money and more time waiting.

If it's determined that I have to pay him half of the mortgage since the date of separation....that's a huge chunk of $$. It just doesn't seem right that he in turn isn't responsible for half of all of the utilities. My car is registered in his name - he moved the loan payments over to my bank account w/o even asking me so I'm making those payments. The auto insurance for the kids cars and ours is in my name. I got notice the other day that he's cancelled the autopay for the premiums so I guess I'll be responsible for that too. The kids 529 education accounts are in his name, I pay half of the kids tuitions (2 in college) out of my own personal account, he pays his half but then claims the full tuition amount from the 529. I pay all of the kids cell phones, the health insurance, the housekeeper, electric....everything except the mortgage and he wants half. It just doesn't seem right. He filled the propane tanks that run the fireplace. He left me a bill for half, my attorney said I didn't have to pay that so what does he do? Disables the fireplace so I can't use his precious propane. 

I'm telling you, this is a man I don't even know anymore. Has he been like this all along and I just didn't see it or did something go wrong in his head? I can't figure it out.


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## Miserable1 (Dec 16, 2018)

Lila said:


> I agree with @BluesPower. It's time to get a shark lawyer and go after everything you're entitled to. I would also go as far as hiring PI to get as much dirt as you can on your STBX. It may not make a difference legally but as I have learned with my ex, cheaters don't like to have their "girlfriends" look like tramps to friends and family. Makes it harderto introduce them to the family/kids as "the new girlfriend" if you know now what I mean.



Well, he's a criminal investigator himself so he hides his tracks well.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Do you have family or friends you could stay with during the holidays? I think getting out for a week or 2 would do you a world of good. You need a break. 


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## Miserable1 (Dec 16, 2018)

I'm living on the East Coast, all of my family is on the West Coast. I was just there for 2.5 weeks as my dad passed away....yeah, as if things couldn't get any worse.

This has been the absolute worst year of my life.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Miserable1 said:


> Meant to comment, marriage counseling wasn't even an option. He literally stopped talking to me one night then soon after presented me with the "I want a divorce".
> 
> The problem with starting over is that it's just going to delay things even further and I honestly don't know how much more I can take. I'm so pent up with anger, bitterness and sadness. I know all of that will improve once I'm OUT of this house and don't have to see him or his family anymore. It's family property that I live on so his family are my neighbors and they've completely stopped all communication with me so I'm unsure of what he's told them.
> 
> ...


You need to hire a new attorney. Why yours hasn't immediately put a stop to your STBX'S financial antics is beyond me. I'm also uncertain why your housing bills are not being split? You do not have a settlement signed as of yet but all of that money will have to be back paid. 

Do yourself a favor. Find yourself a shark lawyer and start all over even if it means more money. In your case, the funds for the lawyers should be coming out of communal property, meaning you're married so it's a shared expense. I mean, you could always shut down all of the utilities on the house and tell him he's not paying so you're not paying for it either. 

Get a different lawyer. Your current one is not doing a good job of representing you. 

And it doesn't matter if your ex is a private investigator. Golden ***** has a way of making typically smart men turn into idiots. Ask me how I know.


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## Miserable1 (Dec 16, 2018)

I'm supposed to speak to my attorney on Tuesday. If I continue to get the "there is no legal grounds....." answer, I may just have to switch but the thought of doing that makes me want to CRY!

We're both federal employees so I had to find an attorney that was well versed in the federal retirement system because this man was going after my retirement which is so idiotic because I would just go after his! I let him off....his retirement is more than mine. I suggested that we leave each others retirements alone and obviously he agreed.

I know, I know, probably dumb on my part but I don't want to live with any guilt. Morally, I try to do the right thing.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I think there is a difference between doing the morally right thing and letting what you have a right to go just to escape. Does he know that you have a tendency to be conflict avoidant--at least at this time? His OW is likely pushing for his freedom and you are playing into his needs. His current cruelty is baffling and painful. 

Respect yourself--you are you and not me--you know what you need---just don't look back in regret. Part of what is yours is your children's inheritance and do you want new woman to end up with it?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Please stop giving him power over your happiness... while it seems he is running the show in many ways, in just as many ways he is not.

Forget finding out why now... it is wasted energy and frankly, those who unmindfully let us go like this are not worth it, their dark rabbit holes they can keep.

In addition to the lawyer begin talking to a financial expert... they often work off commission of your investments and have resources to state and federal laws that lawyers, even divorce ones, may miss.

Finally for your peace... take a few hours a week and volunteer at shelters or charities, when we think life is at its worst, there are others that a hand up offered renews our spirit and shows us the value of kindness when little is show around us.

I too was left in a shared home over Christmas as my divorce was in process, I felt like Charlie Brown at the end of his Christmas when I said to myself, I am not going to let this person ruin my holiday season and decorated one room with holiday spirit and joy. It didn't make a difference to her, but for me I looked at it and thought "as my life changes under my feet, my heart will reflect what I feed it so here is to the light that lives in me".

Hurt people hurt people... and he is suffering a'plenty in this place his is in...therefore he readily shares his pain in an emotional fallout of negativity that cannot help but touch you. When I left just under a year ago I took little but the clothes that would fit into my car and a few personal things like tools and camping gear... wanted nothing that would leave me feeling the suffering of the lack of love around me.

It was a wise decision... every day is a new harmony now.

Ps... list half of everything he liquidated in accounts as money against your savings to keep and as for stuff, remember, it is only stuff... focus on your half of the real-estate and savings, these are your next bowls to wash (remember to do the next most important things).


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Lila said:


> You need to hire a new attorney. Why yours hasn't immediately put a stop to your STBX'S financial antics is beyond me. I'm also uncertain why your housing bills are not being split? You do not have a settlement signed as of yet but all of that money will have to be back paid.
> 
> Do yourself a favor. Find yourself a shark lawyer and start all over even if it means more money. In your case, the funds for the lawyers should be coming out of communal property, meaning you're married so it's a shared expense. I mean, you could always shut down all of the utilities on the house and tell him he's not paying so you're not paying for it either.
> 
> Get a different lawyer. Your current one is not doing a good job of representing you.


+1


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## Miserable1 (Dec 16, 2018)

Stuff is only stuff.....and that "stuff" can be replaced. I totally agree. It's difficult to think of it as just "stuff" though. It's stuff that we bought together, for us, for the kids enjoyment, for the family. He can have...he wins. I don't have the stamina to keep going back and forth about "stuff". I'm down to the bare bones minimum of what I'm taking with me.

I really do believe he's very angry about having to buy me out of 50% of the equity in the house. Honestly though, what does he want? Wants me to just walk out with nothing because he wants a divorce? I had the house appraised because initially he was offering 50% of the tax assessed value of the house. The appraisal came in higher (which it usually does). He didn't like that so he went and got his own appraiser and I'm pretty sure he searched for someone to low ball his appraisal because his came in just BARELY above tax assessed value. So now we have to split the difference between the two appraisals.

I'm not sure what to do with the car insurance bill. With 5 cars on the policy (and 2 young males), it's pretty pricey but he's cancelled payments. I can't run the risk that one of my boys is going to be driving with no insurance. He's on the titles to both of their cars so I guess if something were to happen, STBX could be sued? He doesn't care, he has a home to work vehicle furnished by the gov't.

He's insisting that I allow him to "assume" the current mortgage but I really would feel more comfortable with a refinance. My attorney said it doesn't really matter how it's done as long as I'm legally off the mortgage. Hmmmm? Seems like my attorney should be giving me better guidance than that or maybe I'm just overthinking things.

I really like the idea of volunteering at a shelter...I'm going to look into that. Thank you for the suggestion!

And I thank you all for listening. I know I'm all over the place just spewing my rants but it really does help to talk about it. He's got the advantage, he goes next door where mama listens to him day in and day out. My family is still grieving over the passing of my father less than a month ago, I don't want to burden them with this. And of course this being the holidays, I don't want to be the Debbie Downer with my friends. <sigh......>


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

He shut off insurance on the kid's auto insurance? Are you on the titles too or just him and the boys? How old are the boys? They cannot drive without insurance. Are the cars paid for or is there a loan on them?

As far as him assuming the mortgage, that is fine as long as you are off the mortgage. Under no circumstances should you quit claim the property while remaining on the mortgage, but if you are off the mortgage that protects you. Do not sign off the property until you have your money in hand at the title company or attorney's office or you will be sorry later.

I think you need a reboot. Right now your strategy seems to be to cave in to his demands and hope it all goes away, but that is not working. Basically he wants to take everything and leave you with nothing. If you go to a mediator, the mediator will make it clear what is and is not fair and if he refuses to deal fairly, you will go to court where the judge will decide, which will be much better for you than giving up more and more until there is nothing left.

You said he is demanding that you help with the mortgage, but he won't pay other bills. Whose name are those bills in?

I'm sorry if I missed this, but how old are your children?


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

I’m with the others. You need a different and far better attorney. Stuff is just stuff. Let the things go. You will find that once you are cozy in your new place, that stuff will just serve as reminders to you and you will eventually end up replacing all of it. I am in this process as we speak. Every time I replace something, I get a happy, fuzzy warm feeling in my tummy!

Seems like he thought he was being slick with the mortgage payments all along. What an idiot. That also tells me that he was thinking and conniving a lot longer than you thought. 

You found a great place to vent and seek help here at TAM. Stick around 

Virtual hugs to you. Hang in there. 


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## Miserable1 (Dec 16, 2018)

He shut off auto pay on the kids insurance because he was paying for it but apparently now isn't going to? I don't know...the insurance policy is in my name (it's USAA and I'm the veteran) but he created the online account, paid for it, etc. I got a notice in the mail that auto pay has been stopped. His name is titled on the kids cars, my name isn't. My name isn't even on MY car....he's got his name on everything.

The other bills that I've been paying are all in his name but he wasn't paying them and I can't let my credit be effected so I am paying them. He doesn't so much as buy a loaf of bread. When I had to go away for 2.5 weeks (just got back last week), my daughter said that he squawked when she asked him if he could pick up a gallon of milk...he tried to get her to agree to a 1/2 gallon. He doesn't feel that he has to provide anything for the kids and technically he doesn't because they're 22, 20 and 18. Only the 22 year old still lives at home. He buys himself what HE needs and that's it. Nothing for the house, nothing for her.

Re the mortgage. How do I ensure that I'm off the mortgage without doing a refi? Wouldn't that be the only way? He would have to qualify for the balance of the loan on his own and have it put solely in his name, right?

I really do think that he's had this planned for some time now....he was just waiting until all of the kids were 18. How else do you explain him giving me papers literally 2 days before the youngest turned 18. Makes sense that everything was put in his name....the only account I had access to was my own that he of course was "joint" on. My savings account that he so desperately wants half of, he made himself joint on that one too but I moved the money before he could get a hold of it. He thought I had left some in there (like $2k) so he took it and moved it....turns out it was my sons account that paid the loan on his truck.

We made a deal with my son that his truck payment and insurance would be covered as long as he was away at college....that's when we were "married". Well now that's no longer the case, my son is about out of $ to cover his loan on his truck and wouldn't you know it, his loan is attached to my savings account so I'll end up paying for that also since I'm sure his father won't.

I really feel that I'm getting screwed in every direction....he planned this well, I've got to hand it to him. My kids are my life and I will do anything for them. They shouldn't have to pay the price because of the actions of their selfish father....so they'll be taken care of though me. What really bothers me though is how they don't seemed to be too phased by him and what he's done/doing. People tell me that they'll see through him in time and eventually it'll become clear. I try my hardest to not bad mouth him to them but I really, really want them to be mad at him.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*If your current attorney is not fully representing your interests to the fullest, @Miserable1 ~ then you need to fastly procure more effective legal counsel.

You need to procure a "piranha" attorney who will go after things like alimony, community property, financial assets, kids college expenses, and a plethora of other germane items!

You're not telling me that he was planning this covert and serupticious strategy even while you were happily married to his morally worthless a$$!

Sorry that you're having to put up with crap like this but you can definitely find legal counsel who will not only be afraid to fight fire with fire, but also with water and a fire extinguisher!

And shove it right back up his cheap overbearing backside!

Best of luck to you and the kids! May God bless!

*


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## Miserable1 (Dec 16, 2018)

Thing is, I don't know if my attorney is representing me as best he can? I don't know the legalities of a divorce in this state or any other state. If he tells me that "legally there is no grounds" to go after college expenses, to make him pay half of the utilities or anything else except the mortgage. And that legally, I'm just as responsible for the mortgage as he is so he will fight that I don't have to back pay him 1/2 of the mortgage in exchange for me paying all of the other bills but he can't guarantee we will win that fight. The kids are all over 18/emancipated so legally, he's not responsible for any of their expenses.

The thought of starting over with a new attorney is daunting. I have a phone appointment with my attorney tomorrow morning, any suggestions as to what I should ask him/tell him?


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

You are getting lots of good advice here, I just want to come in and give you a BIG HUG. 

Well sounds like your dd is there, will it just be Xmas for you two?

DO what you can to make it special. 

Did he say why he has been miserable for 15-20 years? Sounds like he is conveniently rewriting history.

Within 2 months of my divorce being filed, my mom died, 4 months later, my dad was dead. My world was crashing in around me too. I am so sorry.

I am very sorry to hear of your marriage collapsing, sounds like it was a surprise.

But there is nothing you can do except pick up the pieces. 

The best revenge is living well, become the best YOU thet you can be. 

Eat healthy, exercise, get a new hairstyle, buy some clothes and makeup that make you feel good. 

Getting divorced was never your intention, but since it happened, make the best of it.

Join some groups, start a new hobby. 

Get in with a good counselor and start working thru this mess. 

You are young, healthy, you have a good job, you have your kids. Take some time to heal and the right man will come along.

HUGS


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## Miserable1 (Dec 16, 2018)

FieryHairedLady said:


> You are getting lots of good advice here, I just want to come in and give you a BIG HUG.
> 
> Well sounds like your dd is there, will it just be Xmas for you two?
> 
> ...



Awwww, thank you! I am so sorry for the losses you endured all while you were wrapped up in this hell otherwise known as "divorce". 

I think that once I'm out of this house, I will see things more clearly and be able to trudge forward and move on with my life. It's hard to find the motivation and positive energy when I'm stuck in this house with him....it's just a major buzz kill.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Miserable1 said:


> Awwww, thank you! I am so sorry for the losses you endured all while you were wrapped up in this hell otherwise known as "divorce".
> 
> 
> 
> I think that once I'm out of this house, I will see things more clearly and be able to trudge forward and move on with my life. It's hard to find the motivation and positive energy when I'm stuck in this house with him....it's just a major buzz kill.




I feel you. I had to cohabitate with my XH for 2 years before we could afford to sell the house. It was a nightmare. I did break down and rent an apartment about 6 months before the house sold. I just couldn’t take it anymore. We already had an agreement in place before I did that though. 


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Miserable1 said:


> Pretty sure that an affair is involved though he's denied it. Just before our minor disagreement, he started wearing different clothes, working out, eating different things....and it was all after he started a new job. * I also found a secret bank account that was in his name and his parents names - weird, right?*
> 
> Believe me, I'm not one to roll over and let him get what he wants...I just don't know how much longer I can deal with this. I'm a prisoner in my own house. I dread coming home from work and Fridays? Forget about it, I don't even care about the weekends anymore because he's in and out, coming and going as he pleases. A year I've been living like this and for my emotional sanity, *just to get this over with, I've given in. * My daughter (who still lives at home finishing college) tells me that he says things like "all I want is the house, your mom can have everything inside the house, I don't care" but yet he challenges me on towels and flatware. He's spiteful and mean and is making this to be something I've done to cause it. I don't know if that's his way of ridding himself of any guilt or what but it's pretty painful that he's made me out to be the bad guy.


This is what he WANTS -- he is wearing you down so that he gets everything. I think you should tell your attorney to go after him for everything, and then settle for half of that (but don't tell your H that).
That "secret account" -- do you get half of that as well? If not, then he shouldn't get anything from yours. I know that you are in pain, but you need to play hard ball here. He is just re-writing the marital history to make himself feel justified about what he is doing. You need to keep combating that and state the truth.

Make sure you get the car in YOUR name and any other assets that just "conveniently" were in his name alone. YOU helped pay for this as well, so you need to make sure you get them.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You need to #1 get angry, and #2, get a NEW LAWYER. Your lawyer SUCKS. Get someone who is actually looking out for you, that is what you pay them for. Be sure your STBX gets hit up for YOUR lawyer fees too, he is the jerk who wanted this all in the first place, so let him pay. He is being a giant ass, and I am so sorry you are here. I would follow the advice to hire a PI to dig up his affair, because based on his behavior, I have zero doubt there is another woman involved. And I would LOVE to see you throw it in his face that you KNOW. 

Also if those vehicles are in his name, maybe you need to notify the lienholders that he has allowed the insurance to lapse... his vehicles, HIS responsibility. 

Look I have been there and I know you just want it over with. But you cannot just roll over and give in to him, you are entitled to HALF of everything whether he likes it or not. You need to get good and pissed off, here, DO NOT let him screw you over. Make it hard on him, he for sure has it coming.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Miserable1 said:


> I really do think that he's had this planned for some time now....he was just waiting until all of the kids were 18. How else do you explain him giving me papers literally 2 days before the youngest turned 18.


I think you're right that he's planning this for some time. This has a lot of the signs of long-term lack of intimacy. Is it anything like that? If he gave up trying a long time ago, he may have decided to stick it out until the kids were out of the house.

I know you're mad at him, and you have reason to be, but it might help to take a step back and try to think about why he was so unhappy. Or ask him directly. An affair is a definite possibility, but there could be some other long-simmering issue that also led to this moment. Is there anything he used to complain about on a regular basis?


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## Miserable1 (Dec 16, 2018)

I think making the move and building next door to his parents was the beginning of the end -- though he claims the misery for 15-20 years (we've been here 11 years). He's got everything he needs living next to his mom and dad...in reality, he never really wanted or need a wife, he wanted a mother. His mom is of the older generation where the woman caters to her man, does everything for him just shy of wiping his mouth as he eats. I'm a different generation and while I believe in taking care of my man, it goes both ways. I work full time just as he does. I cook every night (minus an occasional weekend), mother 4 kids, keep a clean house, etc. He's at his parents house daily....he sees that his mom prepares his father's lunch, brings it to him, refills his glass, takes away his dishes, etc. That's not me but deep down, I think he wants me to be like his mom....he wants to be coddled and feel like the "man". I'm former military....I was taught to take care of me. I'm very independent and self sufficient and I don't think he likes that but alas, he knew this when we married. I just think that once we moved to where he was exposed to what his mom does for his dad, it reinforced in his mind what he really wants from his spouse. A 100% mama's boy who loves having his mom doing anything and everything for him and she in turn enjoys doing it! They're very codependent upon each other....he's a grown a** man that honestly can't even boil pasta.

Maybe that's what he found with this other woman? A woman that will be a Mama to him.

Very old fashioned IMO but that's just MY opinion - don't hate


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Miserable1 said:


> I think making the move and building next door to his parents was the beginning of the end -- though he claims the misery for 15-20 years (we've been here 11 years). He's got everything he needs living next to his mom and dad...in reality, he never really wanted or need a wife, he wanted a mother. His mom is of the older generation where the woman caters to her man, does everything for him just shy of wiping his mouth as he eats. I'm a different generation and while I believe in taking care of my man, it goes both ways. I work full time just as he does. I cook every night (minus an occasional weekend), mother 4 kids, keep a clean house, etc. He's at his parents house daily....he sees that his mom prepares his father's lunch, brings it to him, refills his glass, takes away his dishes, etc. That's not me but deep down, I think he wants me to be like his mom....he wants to be coddled and feel like the "man". I'm former military....I was taught to take care of me. I'm very independent and self sufficient and I don't think he likes that but alas, he knew this when we married. I just think that once we moved to where he was exposed to what his mom does for his dad, it reinforced in his mind what he really wants from his spouse. A 100% mama's boy who loves having his mom doing anything and everything for him and she in turn enjoys doing it! They're very codependent upon each other....he's a grown a** man that honestly can't even boil pasta.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




God...my heart goes out to you!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Miserable1 said:


> I think making the move and building next door to his parents was the beginning of the end -- though he claims the misery for 15-20 years (we've been here 11 years). He's got everything he needs living next to his mom and dad...in reality, he never really wanted or need a wife, he wanted a mother. His mom is of the older generation where the woman caters to her man, does everything for him just shy of wiping his mouth as he eats. I'm a different generation and while I believe in taking care of my man, it goes both ways. I work full time just as he does. I cook every night (minus an occasional weekend), mother 4 kids, keep a clean house, etc. He's at his parents house daily....he sees that his mom prepares his father's lunch, brings it to him, refills his glass, takes away his dishes, etc. That's not me but deep down, I think he wants me to be like his mom....he wants to be coddled and feel like the "man". I'm former military....I was taught to take care of me. I'm very independent and self sufficient and I don't think he likes that but alas, he knew this when we married. I just think that once we moved to where he was exposed to what his mom does for his dad, it reinforced in his mind what he really wants from his spouse. A 100% mama's boy who loves having his mom doing anything and everything for him and she in turn enjoys doing it! They're very codependent upon each other....he's a grown a** man that honestly can't even boil pasta.
> 
> Maybe that's what he found with this other woman? A woman that will be a Mama to him.
> 
> Very old fashioned IMO but that's just MY opinion - don't hate


Listen, I understand that you are trying to make sense of all of this. 

Frankly is sounds like you want to be done with him anyway. 

Look, this is really simple... He has been having an affair, the kid is grown up, he is ready to bolt. 

His OW probably is ready to leave her husband, if she is married, and he wants out. 

I really don't know how good or bad your marriage, sex life or any of that was. But with out a doubt, he is an ******* for the way that he went about this. Just a complete creep. 

The thing is, NOW, FINALLY, you know who he is. Get a shark lawyer, and get your money and get out...


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

While an affair is a very likely possibility, it's probably best not to jump to any conclusions. We've had threads here from people who were unhappy in their marriage and were waiting until the kids were 18 before getting divorced. So while it could be an affair, it could also be that he really has been unhappy for some time.

Do you know if your state considers adultery in a divorce? In some states it can affect the divorce settlement. In any case, it would be good to do some investigation to see what he's been up to to see if there's anything going on. 

From what you're describing about his relationship with his mom, it does sound like there is a lot of incompatibility in what each of you were expecting from a spouse.


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## Miserable1 (Dec 16, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> Listen, I understand that you are trying to make sense of all of this.
> 
> Frankly is sounds like you want to be done with him anyway.
> 
> ...


You my friend are 100% correct.

Now finding the "shark lawyer" will be difficult....how does one even find said Shark? I have a phone appt with my attorney tomorrow morning....guess I'll see what he has to say and go from there.


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## Miserable1 (Dec 16, 2018)

wilson said:


> While an affair is a very likely possibility, it's probably best not to jump to any conclusions. We've had threads here from people who were unhappy in their marriage and were waiting until the kids were 18 before getting divorced. So while it could be an affair, it could also be that he really has been unhappy for some time.
> 
> Do you know if your state considers adultery in a divorce? In some states it can affect the divorce settlement. In any case, it would be good to do some investigation to see what he's been up to to see if there's anything going on.
> 
> From what you're describing about his relationship with his mom, it does sound like there is a lot of incompatibility in what each of you were expecting from a spouse.


I really didn't think it could have been an affair....he seemed very loyal and trustworthy. But I do believe all the signs were/are there. Dressing different, suddenly passionate about the gym and working out, the secret bank account, the text messages that he hid from the kids from someone saved in his phone with just a one letter initial. Then the business trip where he left the house, suitcase in hand on a Monday. He mistakenly used my hotel rewards membership number and I got an email thanking me for my stay at their hotel from Tuesday thru Friday. So where'd he stay on Monday? All those shenanigans began a few months after he transferred to a new office. There was nothing suspicious for the 9 years he had been at his previous office.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Wow! Ok, that sounds like an affair. No matter how serious the problems or how long he was unhappy, an affair is never justified.

Do you have access to the phone records? If so, you may be able to find the phone logs and see who he's texting.


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## Miserable1 (Dec 16, 2018)

No, he uses his gov't phone.

Mama gives him cash so there's no record of what he's been buying. 

This cheapskate. I pay for the kids cell phones, with it comes a free subscription to Netflix. He asks the kids for the password so he can use their account. I keep changing the p/w...he keeps getting it (I get emails when someone new logs in). Buy you own plan you greedy SOB!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Miserable1 said:


> I really didn't think it could have been an affair....he seemed very loyal and trustworthy. But I do believe all the signs were/are there. *Dressing different, suddenly passionate about the gym and working out, the secret bank account, the text messages that he hid from the kids from someone saved in his phone with just a one letter initial. Then the business trip where he left the house, suitcase in hand on a Monday. He mistakenly used my hotel rewards membership number and I got an email thanking me for my stay at their hotel from Tuesday thru Friday. * So where'd he stay on Monday? All those shenanigans began a few months after he transferred to a new office. There was nothing suspicious for the 9 years he had been at his previous office.


Every one of those actions are a red flag for an affair. Every one. Check out this thread:

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/430217-need-help-distant-wife.html

He thought there was NO WAY his wife was capable of an affair. He is currently in a nightmare, sad to say.


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## Miserable1 (Dec 16, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> Every one of those actions are a red flag for an affair. Every one. Check out this thread:
> 
> https://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/430217-need-help-distant-wife.html
> 
> He thought there was NO WAY his wife was capable of an affair. He is currently in a nightmare, sad to say.



Gosh.....I just read that entire thread. Gut wrenching!


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Miserable1 said:


> I think making the move and building next door to his parents was the beginning of the end -- though he claims the misery for 15-20 years (we've been here 11 years). He's got everything he needs living next to his mom and dad...in reality, he never really wanted or need a wife, he wanted a mother. His mom is of the older generation where the woman caters to her man, does everything for him just shy of wiping his mouth as he eats. I'm a different generation and while I believe in taking care of my man, it goes both ways. I work full time just as he does. I cook every night (minus an occasional weekend), mother 4 kids, keep a clean house, etc. He's at his parents house daily....he sees that his mom prepares his father's lunch, brings it to him, refills his glass, takes away his dishes, etc. That's not me but deep down, I think he wants me to be like his mom....he wants to be coddled and feel like the "man". I'm former military....I was taught to take care of me. I'm very independent and self sufficient and I don't think he likes that but alas, he knew this when we married. I just think that once we moved to where he was exposed to what his mom does for his dad, it reinforced in his mind what he really wants from his spouse. A 100% mama's boy who loves having his mom doing anything and everything for him and she in turn enjoys doing it! They're very codependent upon each other....he's a grown a** man that honestly can't even boil pasta.
> 
> Maybe that's what he found with this other woman? A woman that will be a Mama to him.
> 
> Very old fashioned IMO but that's just MY opinion - don't hate


He sounds like a total DOUCHE and I would personally like to punch him in the face for destroying a family. Hire a shark, get through this and your life will explode with a beautiful bright experience.


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## Miserable1 (Dec 16, 2018)

_I would personally like to punch him in the face for destroying a family._

That made me laugh!:laugh:

So my attorney (existing, not new) sent forward our revised draft of the PSA. In it, I'm not paying him half of the mortgage from date of separation. Everything I pay for, it should be considered a wash.
He must refinance the mortgage....no assuming the loan.
He has 90 days from date of divorce to buy me out.
Effective Feb 1, I will pay half the mortgage and he will pay half the expenses I'm paying.

It's really quite easy....all he has to do is agree and I can get the hell out of this house. I'm literally a prisoner here. I can't afford half this mortgage and $2500-$3000 rent, plus utilities, kids tuition, etc.....I can't buy a new house until I'm OFF this mortgage.

He's been dragging on this for 8 months now. I didn't at all envision myself still being here for the holidays - its very awkward for the kids. <sigh>


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