# The good, bad, and guilty Christmas



## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

The Good: my DD had a wonderful Christmas just her and I. H left Wed. to stay in a hotel only 60miles away with his son. Each nite he called to speak with DD. She seemed fine, although she knew/knows he's coming home tomorrow. We did some baking, shopping, opend gifts this morning...which she lite up like a star! Went to grandma's spent day there with great granny and two aunts. It was odd having an all female Christmas, but we did have fun. How can you not with a bunch of cackling women! :smthumbup:

The Bad: Every nite H called to speak to Daughter. Each time he broke down in tears. Not sure if she realized it but when she handed phone to me, he was terribly crying. Kept saying how he hoped this time away was doing us some good! Said he hopes when comes home tomorrw things will be better. He is so clueless as to all my emotions, growth, etc. and the things that have transpired do not get fixed/repaired due to him being gone 4 days!

It seems almost to point of obsession and it is starting to scare me. He has already made comment if he can't have us all, meaning DD and I, he wan't nothing. I still cannot pinpoint why that comment bothers me? It's almost like he is putting me above our DD and I'm unclear if that's good or bad? Her and I have had such a relaxed 4 days! No tention, no worring for me to constantly feel like I need to be on guard to make sure she isnt doing anything to set him off. I honestly fear what may happen once he finally realizes things are not going the way HE wants.

The Guilty: Today, Christmas, he calls to speak to DD and me. He says he misses me and loves me very much. I got quiet and think what do I say? He's devistated and in a hotel room, with his son, but no where to go today, no restaurants open, they bought TV dinners at grociery...what do I say? So...I quickly say, I miss ya and love ya too. Yet, I can tell he knows it's not from my heart like his. And it wasn't. As I have over last few years, I say and do what I feel will make him feel better so I don't reap the wrath of his emotions or what ever. I do love him and worry about his well being. I feel I love him more out of compassion that he has no family close to turn to, be with. He refuses anyway his family as they are very abrubt, blunt, and well, he repeats over and over he doesn't want to hear what they have to say. I also fear, the 'what ifs'. What if he gets further depressed and...well....ends his life? I won't be able to live with myself. And then our DD!! OMG how can I even think like that. But that's how depressed I see him. He refuses to get medication to help stable him. I did, and I think that's why he won't because my 'clear' thinking, still didn't go way he hoped. Only made me realize what truly is the right thing for me to find happiness even though it will hurt and be struggle at first.

I actually enjoyed these days. I admit, today driving to my moms, I thought to self....wow...I truly do not know how to act or feel being 'alone'. I'm so use to depending on having a man. A companion and I honestly have no clue at age 40, almost 41, how to be independently happy! My marriage has become more of habit for me if that makes any sense at all. I've not had happiness from within for a very long time. I've always 'played the part' per say and the last few days proved it. 

Well, sadly, not looking forward to getting back to 'normal'. Need to find courage and strenght to figure out how to move on without too much damage. I'm thinking that will be impossible, but necessary.


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