# Reconcilliation Over and Out



## NoJokeOnMyHeart (Nov 25, 2015)

I suppose this is more of a cautionary tale than a request for advice. Add it to the other data points of failed reconciliation. 

Cliff Notes Version Similar to Hundreds of Others on this Site:

Ages at start: Wife 41. Me 44.

2010, Counseling. Wife delivers ILYBINILWY. Wife then cheats in 2011. She tried to gaslight but I proved her otherwise due to open social media accounts. Thousands of texts. How was she spending time with the kids? Girls 10, 7, and 4 (Who does that? Seriously she was stealing time from them?). 

She blamed my busy work, while she was a SAHM. Her depression was "my fault." Rug swept DD1. I stayed in great shape, and adjusted work hours. Stayed because of young kids, and fear of what I probably should have done, which was just drop this woman. Am sure I must have missed other affairs.

Time passes, and thought we were turning the corner. She goes back to work 3 yrs after DD1 and after 10 year run as a SAHM. Can't keep her pants on. I find text messages. I filed for D. 

Then counseling, boundaries, etc. Full press with romantic efforts (no choreplay, thank you) but she never seemed to be a willing partner in the recon (as evidenced, in part, by a lack of courtesy, passion, and romance). She claims I didn't get over it fast enough. So she files. Divorce proceeding. (Haven't found a new OM, but I believe there must be one. I don't care). Is there a single part of the script she missed? 

Moral: You can't make someone want you who doesn't want you (I am thought of as a good catch, which made it all the more inexplicable), and you can't make someone happy who isn't happy. 

Reconciliation with a spouse with a supposed low sex drive before she cheated made reconciliation even more difficult.

Glad I got to spend almost 4 more years full time with my kids but the personal price was high. Will be getting equal legal/physical custody.

The end.

P.S. TAM has been a great forum and predictor of human behavior.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

So sorry you had to go through all that. Sometimes life's so unfair, It really sucks. Hope things get better for you.

D & L


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Time to focus on your kids and you.

Sorry, brother. Nobody deserves that.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

Sorry about your pain. You know you tried more than most people would have. Congratulate yourself on that dedication- she wasn't who you thought she was. YOu can mourn the loss of the illusion but not the reality- thats not worth it. good luck to you and your children.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm very sorry. I know how difficult it is to deal with the failure of R. I found that much harder to deal with than the initial betrayal. Time helped me come to terms with it but there were many days when I felt time was stuck and I would never move on. But I did and I'm at peace with all of that now. You will be too. Keep envisioning your new life. It will soon be here.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Sorry man. You will rise from this.

The best revenge is living well. I couldn't imagine going back to my ex, and I'd thank her if I ran into her today.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

NoJoke,

You wrote, *Reconciliation with a spouse with a supposed low sex drive before she cheated made reconciliation even more difficult.*

This is a stone in many a BHs shoe, it's hard to take that our Ws lied about having no sex drive for so many years, it also makes our fidelity to our wives during those lost years seem meaningless.

Sorry that you had to endure what you did for so long.

Was there ever exposure or confrontation of these OM/

Tamat


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Openminded said:


> I'm very sorry. I know how difficult it is to deal with the failure of R. I found that much harder to deal with than the initial betrayal. Time helped me come to terms with it but there were many days when I felt time was stuck and I would never move on. But I did and I'm at peace with all of that now. You will be too. Keep envisioning your new life. It will soon be here.


Same here. And h came back many times wanting r, but couldn't manage it because he was addicted to OW's drama. My life is too quiet and boring for him. 

BUT my situation was much like yours and I think you're right that you got 4 years full time with your girls, and you KNOW you did everything possible. H finally let OW give him an ultimatum and he said we were divorcing (he said that 5 years ago too but at the last minute with the decree agreement in hand to turn into the court he couldn't do it and came home), and I think he'll go through with it this time and marry her, but I feel SO much freedom and peace. I gave it my best shot, I gave it all I got, but you're right . . . you can't make someone love you if they don't, and for me, the lesson was also, you can ask for respect from someone but if they don't give it to you, even after 20 years of a relationship, it's time to go. 

Hang in there. Yup, as NJ says, mourn the loss of the illusion but thank your lucky stars you saw the reality before it hit you at a more debilitating moment in your life or when you were more vulnerable and had farther to go to pull yourself up.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> She blamed my busy work, while she was a SAHM.


Do you have to pay alimony to her?


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## robetona (Nov 26, 2015)

It really sucks. Hope things get better for you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

TeddieG said:


> Same here. And ha came back many times wanting r, but couldn't manage it because he was addicted to OW's drama. My life is too quiet and boring for him.
> 
> BUT my situation was much like yours and I think you're right that you got 4 years full time with your girls, and you KNOW you did everything possible. H finally let OW give him an ultimatum and he said we were divorcing (he said that 5 years ago too but at the last minute with the decree agreement in hand to turn into the court he couldn't do it and came home), and I think he'll go through with it this time and marry her, but I feel SO much freedom and peace. I gave it my best shot, I gave it all I got, but you're right . . . you can't make someone love you if they don't, and for me, the lesson was also, you can ask for respect from someone but if they don't give it to you, even after 20 years of a relationship, it's time to go.
> 
> Hang in there. Yup, as NJ says, mourn the loss of the illusion but thank your lucky stars you saw the reality before it hit you at a more debilitating moment in your life or when you were more vulnerable and had farther to go to pull yourself up.


TeddieG,

Boring is good. You just need to find the right good guy. 
Hope you do well. I'd eliminate everything of his from my life. He's a damn yoyo


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Thanks, Marc. Yeah, he wore me out with his back and forth, and yes, I need to find the right good guy. Many times I thought we were going to make it but the siren call of the ***** was just too much. As OP says, you can't make someone happy who isn't happy (and isn't interested in healthy ways of getting healthy). No regrets though; I did the best I could and kept the door open and the porchlight on. The OP's story had so much hope in the beginning of his reconciliation and it is painful when it doesn't work, and the rejection is experienced all over again. NoJoke is right that all of this reconciliation stuff takes a personal and physical toll long after the betrayal is discovered. But I am glad that NoJoke is able to see the bright side and know he did everything possible. H's betrayal was so long ago that now, when I come here, the stories of false reconciliations tend to have more resonance for me than the cheating itself.


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

"This is a stone in many a BHs shoe, it's hard to take that our Ws lied about having no sex drive for so many years, it also makes our fidelity to our wives during those lost years seem meaningless."

This was the hardest to deal with for me, and still kind of is. Months of excuses while married, from it was her meds, to she's too stressed, too tired, the kids will hear...and on and on...but a week after separation she went on a rampant sex binge with at least two dozen guys, and girls ( a true, real shock to me with that one )...it's a slap in the face over and over again...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your wife was never what you thought she was.

She probably hears weird noises all the time. That's the squirrels running round and round in her head.

Jokes to one side, she probably has some kind of mental health issues that may not be ameniable to counselling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## razze (Nov 26, 2015)

The reconciliation never had a chance because she was never remorseful.

You spent more time with the kids but you would have been better off establishing your new life and having the kids in that new life rather than suffering in misery.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

TeddieG said:


> Thanks, Marc. Yeah, he wore me out with his back and forth, and yes, I need to find the right good guy. Many times I thought we were going to make it but the siren call of the ***** was just too much. As OP says, you can't make someone happy who isn't happy (and isn't interested in healthy ways of getting healthy). No regrets though; I did the best I could and kept the door open and the porchlight on. The OP's story had so much hope in the beginning of his reconciliation and it is painful when it doesn't work, and the rejection is experienced all over again. NoJoke is right that all of this reconciliation stuff takes a personal and physical toll long after the betrayal is discovered. But I am glad that NoJoke is able to see the bright side and know he did everything possible. H's betrayal was so long ago that now, when I come here, the stories of false reconciliations tend to have more resonance for me than the cheating itself.


Keep in mind your anxiety stems from the unknown. A bad marriage is a known so it seems better than the unknown future but if you don't move on you'll never be able to find the happiness that you want and deserve.

It is daunting but you must keep in mind your future is always up to you, what you make it. Plan and make decisions carefully. Then move forward.

No matter how many times you step off into something new it's always scary. I've done this many times in life for various reasons and it's never comfortable but once I'm done with something I've never looked back. You can never get your time back and it's a horrible thing to waste.

Best of luck to you.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Marc878 said:


> Keep in mind your anxiety stems from the unknown. A bad marriage is a known so it seems better than the unknown future but if you don't move on you'll never be able to find the happiness that you want and deserve.
> 
> It is daunting but you must keep in mind your future is always up to you, what you make it. Plan and make decisions carefully. Then move forward.
> 
> ...


Thank you; it's so true, and is a message for all of us! I was concerned about finances and starting over and losing my house, but after 7 years, I am JUST starting to get how much time I lost, and I HAVE to finish my dissertation by December. I might have had it done 3 years ago otherwise and had more equipment to start a new life. But all of us who are dealing with cheating, betrayal, and failed reconciliations truly have what it takes, right where are, I believe, to put one foot in front of the other and move forward. And while it is never too late to start, the sooner the better in my retrospective opinion!


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

No Joke ~

My heart dropped as I was reading your post. 

I endured the phony/genuine reconciliation ping-pong game for nearly 7 damn years.

You are emotionally drained, I am sure.

I am sorry you are hurt.

VH


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

TeddieG said:


> Thank you; it's so true, and is a message for all of us! I was concerned about finances and starting over and losing my house, but after 7 years, I am JUST starting to get how much time I lost, and I HAVE to finish my dissertation by December. I might have had it done 3 years ago otherwise and had more equipment to start a new life. But all of us who are dealing with cheating, betrayal, and failed reconciliations truly have what it takes, right where are, I believe, to put one foot in front of the other and move forward. And while it is never too late to start, the sooner the better in my retrospective opinion!


This is why a good period of time is needed to even decide on a reconciliation. I'm not against it but if it's not in the cards you can waste a huge chunk of life you'll never get back. 

I see way to many jump into a reconciliation with no plan just hoping it'll work out this time? Or blind as to who their spouse really is or is not. Ugh


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Marc878 said:


> This is why a good period of time is needed to even decide on a reconciliation. I'm not against it but if it's not in the cards you can waste a huge chunck of life you'll never get back.
> 
> I see way to many jump into a reconciliation with no plan just hoping it'll work out this time? Or blind as to who their spouse really is or is not. Ugh


This is so true Marc ..........Lord knows I know this. 

You must definitely need a "plan" but more importantly, the "cheater" MUST HAVE complete and GENUINE remorse AND the OW/OM MUST be gone, really GONE !!

I had no clue that my STBXH was in contact with the OW during each and every attempt at reconciliation. I was such a fool and I wasted 7 YEARS of my life.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

NoJokeOnMyHeart said:


> I suppose this is more of a cautionary tale than a request for advice. Add it to the other data points of failed reconciliation.
> 
> Cliff Notes Version Similar to Hundreds of Others on this Site:
> 
> ...


In retrospect you never stood a chance. This time stay strong and do not repeat your past mistakes.

There is no future here even if she as most will do, try and come back. Distance yourself except for the kids. 

They all want to be friends after.

She's not your friend. A friend is loyal, trusting and honest. Remove everything of her from your life and move on. Only have limited contact for the kids sake. Your life/etc means nothing to her and probably never did.

Treat her like a store clerk, mailman, etc. the distance will be for your connection to fade. Time will take care of the rest


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

No Joke

I have 3 daughters as well. 

I get it. Be grateful for the extra 4 years with them. That is what truly matters.

Your WW is a selfish nutjob. I hope she enjoys her new life.

You go enjoy yours and love those girls of yours.

Just wait when they get older and ask you why their Mom divorced you??? Tell them the truth.

HM


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Remorse is over rated and so is reconciliation. You learned those lessons the hard way and I hope ther lurking betrayed read your cautionary tale and take it to heart. It's great you got the poison out of your life and you can now move on. Good Luck to you.


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