# 26 year Marriage. I had the affair and I regret everything.



## Rob1966 (Jan 24, 2013)

Hello Everybody,

I am 46 years old, 47 in May. I have been married for 26 years, three children 24, 21 and 18. All boys. I am amPartner of a Law Firm and have been apart of the firm for 20 years now.

Three weeks ago, I admitted to my Wife that I have been having an affair for the last 2 months with someone who is 14 years younger than myself.

I can't forgive myself. I hate what I did. My kids won't even look at me and refuse to speak to me on the phone or even meet so I can apologise. I hurt so bad for my Wife and I am so so so sorry for what I did. I ask myself "How could I do such a thing to my family". I can't find the answer.

I want to win my Wife back to the way we were 10 years ago. We have not had sex for 6 years and probably can admit that our marriage has been quite rocky for a while, every time I have approached the subject she doesn't want a bar of it and is not interested in being intimate with me.

Stupidly I found intimacy elsewhere outside of the marriage and I need some guidance as to what to do.

I want to be with her but I am wondering if she wants me. Perhaps she hasn't wanted me for the last 6 years. I struggle to think about reconciling and finding that we get nowhere and continue to live in an unhappy marriage.

This whole situation has turned out to be so depressing.


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## nodirection (Jul 30, 2012)

I hope you have thick skin at this point. This place has great advice, insight into what you are going through but it will be a rude awakening for the most part. Good luck finding your way through this.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Rob posters can give you better advice if they know more. Can you answer these :

Was the lack of intimacy at 2 Way street?
Is It possIble she was havIng her own affaIr?

Do you find your wife attractive? Likeable? Good natured, friendly?

You said You admitted it, but were you discovered, or did you confess?
If you were dIscovered, how - by who? If you confessed, why?

Was the OW married? 
What was the fall out for her?

Is the OW In your wIfe's cIrcle of frIends?


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

How did your wife come about to find out about this OW? Have you suggested counselling to your wife? Have you shown remorse?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

Why did you stay for 6 years without intimacy? Did you ever tell your wife you wanted a divorce if things didn't change? 

You should have done those first and left the marriage before becoming a cheater.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

He clearly needed intimacy, so I imagine he was the spurned spouse in their 6 year drought.

6 years. Jesus H Christ....

The kids are old enough to not be an excuse anymore.

I can only imagine the wife had been in the grip of an affair the whole time, and our intrepid OP, like the standard issue oblivious male, simply had no clue or hint or suspicion it was happening.


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## Rob1966 (Jan 24, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Rob posters can give you better advice if they know more. Can you answer these :
> 
> Was the lack of intimacy at 2 Way street?
> Is It possIble she was havIng her own affaIr?
> ...


I have tried to be affectionate, loving and intimate towards my Wife and she wants nothing like that. Don't get me wrong she loves our life style as it has been quite comfortable for years. So she enjoys spending money and traveling but of late she has traveled without me quite alot. Has gone with friends of hers or our boys.

Before the affair, I kept getting pushed away. I love her still and I find her attractive absolutely. She is a very elegant classy women but just for some reason stopped liking sex or intimate encounters.

I don't think my Wife was or is having an affair. I am certain she would be then again, she didn't know I was having one either.

I confessed about the affair because I couldn't sleep with the guilt. The longer the affair went on, the more sick I felt about how deceitful and unfaithful I had become.

The other OW divorced her husband 4 years ago so she is not in a relationship and no she has connections with my Wife what so ever.


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## Rob1966 (Jan 24, 2013)

Here's the thing. My Wife asked me to leave, she now requested via email that she wants me to move back into the house as no one except for our kids know about the affair.

Not even our neighborhood, family or her's or our friends.

She made some comment in her email where she wants me to move back into the house and for me to move into the guest bedroom. She told me as well that she wants to live in the same house so it seems our marriage is fine but wants to be able to live her own life whilst living together and for me to do my own thing. 

The fact I can't understand is that. She wasn't upset about my confession, in fact she laughed and walked away and told me to get out the house and that we would talk later. Then I received the email with the content above.


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

People here are so hard on your wife already! Just because no intimacy does not mean SHE is cheating. Jeez.

Okay OP, you want your wife back. 
1. Total transparency and honesty.
2. No contact with OW. Draft a no contact letter or email, let your wife read and approve and send.
3. Try some marriage counselling. 
While your old marriage is over, maybe a new better marriage can emerge. Good luck!


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

You guys have a lot to work on if you have any hope of being a couple. Living a life in separate bedrooms and putting on a face is ridiculous - it's not like you have young kids to attend to anymore.

Clearly, there were reasons for the 6 year drought. You may not even get to those given your infidelity now, however. If I were in your shoes, I would probably accept the offer, move back in (for now), and have lots of talks with my wife. 

If, and that's a big if, you get to a point of working though the infidelity, I would recommend marriage counseling to get to the bottom of the whole sex issue. It's totally not normal to refuse your spouse sex for 6 years. That's insane.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

Wow this is not a marriage I think it is time to contact a divorce lawyer. No sex in 6 years there is something very wrong here.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Why stay in a sexless marriage?


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

Is it just me, or does the described behavior of Rob's wife come across STRONGLY as a cake-eater?

You need to do some investigation, Rob. Sounds to me like your wife has been basking in the comforts, luxury, and social status your profession brings while getting her intimate needs met elsewhere.

"The fact I can't understand is that. She wasn't upset about my confession, in fact she laughed and walked away and told me to get out the house and that we would talk later. Then I received the email with the content above." -- Rob1966

She's quite happy with having your cake and eating someone else's. Why change anything? With her proposal, she can continue things just the way she likes them while keeping up social appearances.

She laughed at your confession? Dude, you need to get to the store right away and buy a clue!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Something aint right here.

Her reaction to the news smacks of a wife who is either completely disconnected emotionally or who has been getting some on the side. Betcha she has.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Or is a cold woman who does not love her husband at all and is only in the marriage for the money and status.


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## MeditMike80 (Dec 29, 2012)

I'm a lurker here and have never commented on a post in this subgroup, but in this case I felt compelled to for some reason.

All I can say is that if your wife is how you describer her then WOW!

I've never blamed a BS for the cheaters actions before....

It seems like she is a social status cake eater. You cheated on her, she laughed and now she wants you to move back into the guest bedroom? *Your wife does not care about you!* It seems like the only thing she cares about is the lifestyle she has and to maintain a sham marriage for her friends/family. She seems like a cold, uncaring woman. Sorry if that seems harsh, but based on what you've written, including responses, that seems to be the case. Even though you are the one that cheated, it seems as though you are the BS.

You may be riddled with guilt, but I think it's time you face reality and realize that your marriage has been over for a long time. I think in this case, even though you are the cheater, you need to implement strategies such as the 180 and see if they work - but the way you describe her I doubt they will.

You deserve to find someone who wants to be married to YOU, not your paycheck (which is how your wife seems). In my humble opinion you should divorce your wife. The unfortunate thing for you is that:

1. By cheating, you've given her some good fuel to get a lot of what she wants in the divorce.

2. She seems like the classic "house-wives-of-whatever-take-him-to-the-cleaners" type. Prepare to loose a lot and to pay her a lot in alimony/child support.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

She's been cheating on you for six years. 

Listen to Bandit.45. 
Time to file.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Her reaction to you cheating is very odd. 

Her email to you about coming home, noone knows, you pretend everything is great. That wont cut it. Love her or not she doesnt appear to love you. She loves your money and what you can do for her, and she loves the social status. Im sorry but I believe that is the truth!


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## MeditMike80 (Dec 29, 2012)

mary35 said:


> Or is a cold woman who does not love her husband at all and is only in the marriage for the money and status.


This is pretty much the impression I got. She kind of reminds me of anyone of the "Real House Wives of" whatever.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Geez, stop dumping on the wife. There are always reasons for declining intimacy, and many of them have nothing to do with her being unfaithful. This is one side of the story. Clearly, she has withdrawn from the relationship on an emotional level. Why? Did she try to tell you years ago? What was your marriage like before? Maybe there is infidelity on her part, we don't know-but postings to that effect are nothing but speculation.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

It does sound like she has been cheating on you to me. She hasn't been intimate in SIX YEARS ?!?! and she gives you some glib, breezy answer when you admit that you had an affair like she could care less ? Big red flags here !


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Her reaction to you cheating is very odd.
> 
> Her email to you about coming home, noone knows, you pretend everything is great. That wont cut it. Love her or not she doesnt appear to love you. She loves your money and what you can do for her, and she loves the social status. Im sorry but I believe that is the truth!


^^^^^this^^^^
At the very least.

Her own 6+ yr affair at worst.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Pluto2 said:


> Geez, stop dumping on the wife. There are always reasons for declining intimacy, and many of them have nothing to do with her being unfaithful. This is one side of the story. Clearly, she has withdrawn from the relationship on an emotional level. Why? Did she try to tell you years ago? What was your marriage like before? Maybe there is infidelity on her part, we don't know-but postings to that effect are nothing but speculation.


I don't think anyone is "dumping" on his wife. I think that everyone sees a self centered social butterfly that loves her husbands money. Maybe she doesn't have sex with him because she doesn't love him, maybe she isn't attracted to him, maybe she has her own AP on the side, no one knows. BUT its obvious by her wanting him to come home and live like they are single that she only cares about his money and her social status. Is it only obvious to me?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Hire a shark attorney. the kids are old enough let them know what's been going on.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

BTW, 6 years is a LONG time to not have sex. If there was a "reason" why she didnt want to be intimate with her husband then she should have addressed it 6 years ago.

I dont condone cheating at all. I normally dont even comment when cheaters post because I just cant muster up the energy to care but she sounds like her reasons for being married are not because of love and thats why I posted. I dont think what he did was right but I understand WHY he did it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

6 years and no sex from your wife?

She spends a lot of time travelling away with out you?

She will accept you back home but only if she lives a separate life now?

I really do suspect your wife has also been having an affair. You really should dig deeper that just saying " I don't think she could".

The signs are all there that she has been in affair for the past six years herself.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Rob I don't have any advice that will help to mend fences with your wife.

It mIght be best to just say "honey, no thanks, I need to get some intensive counseling". Then get some to figure out what you want & why you sought an affair.

The idea of you going back to live like a servant reminds me of this phrase:

##The beatings will continue until morale improves###


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

First an A is never right I am glad you confessed. It does not matter that you had not sex for six years there were other ways to deal with this

As far as your wife goes you have a real problem. You can go home of course but I would make the conditiion that you both go to MC

I would be worried that your wife is maybe having an A with the pool boy, tennis pro.......

Or that your marriage is all about status and apperance. Have you checked your wifes emails, facebook, phone records?

There are real deep problems here and I would guess it is on both sides.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

No sex for 6 years does not mean she is having an affair. There are many LD or more appropriate description - no drive spouses who would be content never to have sex again. 

Also we should remember that we only got a snipit here of this marriage and its a one sided snipit at that. To make Law Partner in a firm, you pretty much sell your time and soul to the firm. Its possible that with him spending so much time and energy into his career, they developed a parallel marriage and there has not been much intimacy (emotional) in this marriage for a long time. Its possible that she through herself into her kids and other interests, possibly a career herself while he was occupied on his own. The love, sex, and respect for each other, could have died as a result of lack of emotional intimacy during most o their marriage. 

The thing is - we don't know much about either of them, really - do we? Yet - on the surface, it is hard to have much sympathy for her, but perhaps we should or would if we knew the whole story.

Original poster, how was your marriage before six years ago? Why did your wife stop having sex with you? Is there a reason or did you both just slip apart gradually over the years? And why did you have an affair instead of dealing with the issues at home?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Six years is a very long time to have a sexless marriage.

Something had to give. Cheating isn't the answer, but now that you've done it, you will finally have to talk openly about your marital sex life.

This is a critical point at which the issues in your marriage get resolved one way or another. You both need counseling and a complete airing of issues.

Your W sounds like she sees you as a paycheck, but we can't know for sure what's happening in her head. She could be cheating, but we can't know unless you find that out and report it here.

What is obvious is that your marriage is at a make or break point at which you finally must deal with your problems. No more elephants in the room.

Moving back to pretend will not help you at all. I think you should stay where you are and start the long, painful process of therapy. You've been honest with her, now she needs to be honest with you.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

mary35 said:


> Or is a cold woman who does not love her husband at all and is only in the marriage for the money and status.


^THIS!

From what info there is, my vote is for the above rather than the status quo "Wife must be having an affiar' bandwagon.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What you did was WRONG on many levels. Cheating is never the answer. But you know that.

What I see as the bigger problem here is that your wife is not what you seem to want in a wife. She sees you as a money tree, and plucks at you when she wants money. You want the intimacy and love, as you should. But you are not going to get it from her. You cannot change what she is, no matter how much you want to.

The way I see it, you have a few choices.
- stay with her and keep cheating on her for sex
- stay with her but tell her the money is cut off unless she starts putting out
- divorce her sorry ass


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Rob I don't have any advice that will help to mend fences with your wife.
> 
> It mIght be best to just say *"honey, no thanks, I need to get some intensive counseling". *Then get some to figure out what you want & why you sought an affair.
> 
> ...


Not to create argument, but why would he need counseling? Why pay someone to say, " My wife wouldn't, and hasn't been intimate with me for 6 yrs. I am a guy who has needs, so when this other woman gave me attention I pursued it."

I wouldn't pay money to tell someone that.. He has needs that weren't being met. Period.. 

He could go to counseling with the concept of, " I need help understanding why I would be willng to entertain the idea of living with my wife and having absolutely no relationship."


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Not enough information to say one thing or the other.

The only advice I would offer is to NOT move back in unless you're both going to get into serious counselling - either IC or MC - with a therapist experienced in infidelity.

It's not going to do anybody any good to move back into a sham marriage.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Rob,

I can't understand going 6 years without sex with your wife. That is actually grounds for Divorce in no fault states. You can have an immediate divorce if you have not had sexual relations in a year. 

I guess your wife is lovely. You must have a 'Trophy' wife. The problem with that is no one wants to have sex with a trophy... You may want to have sex with your wife, but she is not doing it.

Your wife seems to be in loe with her life style not you. I am not sure how you want to proceed on this. Divorce is split 50-50, going to the guestroom is not marriage... I couldn't be married to someone I don't have sex with.

You need to spark up your love life, go to the gym, whatever... If she is not going to be the woman for you then move on...

As for your cheating, there is no excuse for that. Usually BS are really hurt, but she wants you to move back into the guest room... She wants your lifestyle not you... Your BS is not acting like a BS. I think she was emotionally detached from you a long time ago. Usually betrayal is absolutely crushing to a BS.

If you want to reconcile, you have to make sure she wants you and you have to make amends for your infidelity. Don't let her use your infidelity over you. Not having sex for 6 years is also inexcusable in a marriage.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Rob1966 said:


> Here's the thing. My Wife asked me to leave, she now requested via email that she wants me to move back into the house as no one except for our kids know about the affair.
> 
> Not even our neighborhood, family or her's or our friends.
> 
> ...


This would be what my wife would do if I cheated. I am just guessing... She wouldn't want her family to know. I think she would also laugh. I think that my wife has sex with me so I won't leave. If I had another woman to take care of my needs so she wouldn't have to, all the better. I don't think she would want me to fall in love with sombody else and move out.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Get a PI referral from one of your family law colleagues. If your wife actually laughed at your confession, she's most likely been spreading 'em far and wide on these trips and she probably has some local action as well. Try to get proof, just for your own piece of mind. Then, D the B.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Rob1966 said:


> I want to win my Wife back to the way we were 10 years ago. We have not had sex for 6 years and probably can admit that our marriage has been quite rocky for a while, every time I have approached the subject she doesn't want a bar of it and is not interested in being intimate with me.
> 
> *Why on earth do you want to WIN your wife back? I like your choice of words with the "trophy" wife *
> 
> ...


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I think if you have the balls to start some snooping you will see what's gpoing on on your wife's head.
Go back home, to the spare bedroom, keylog the PC, spyware the phone, VARs.
Even if you don't caught ongoing cheating your wile will unload on her friends. Get a grasp about her mindset.
Back home.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Machiavelli said:


> D the B.


:smthumbup:


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

Your story sounds very similar to a second cousin of mine. He was a handsome, wealthy, married playboy...he cheated so much people used to ask his wife why she stayed. My 2nd cousin in fact offered her a huge home and one million dollars cash to divorce. (this was 30 years ago when a million dollars was worth a million dollars in a non community property state) He could have screwed her out of everything.

She declined the offer and told my grandmother that she would have to give up her social status with her friends at the tennis club, yacht club, and etc.

Well ten years go by and my 2nd cousin was glad that they had not divorced and he had finally giving up his playboy ways. In fact, he really got into doing family things during this period.

Well one day she comes home and tells my 2nd cousin it's over and she does not want a penny of his money. She was leaving him for a man she met who happened to have 10 times the money of my second cousin. She was also dumping all her friends for a new higer social level of friends.

What you did was WRONG and I think you have a social climber on your hands.


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## gfl (Aug 16, 2010)

Machiavelli said:


> Get a PI referral from one of your family law colleagues. If your wife actually laughed at your confession, she's most likely been spreading 'em far and wide on these trips and she probably has some local action as well. Try to get proof, just for your own piece of mind. Then, D the B.


hahahha great advice something isnt kosher with all this 

1. Hes a lawyer and he admitted to his wife about the affair ..(something wrong with that altogether) 
2. Feeling guilty with no sex for 6 years ..Really ???
3. I just cant keep going its just not fair


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Rob1966 said:


> We have not had sex for 6 years and probably can admit that our marriage has been quite rocky for a while, every time I have approached the subject she doesn't want a bar of it and is not interested in being intimate with me.
> 
> This whole situation has turned out to be so depressing.


Just curious....

At what point in the 6 years of a sexless marriage did either:

A. ...your wife tell you WHY she didn't want sex with you or
B. you asked your WIFE why she didn't want to have sex with you?

Vega


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## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

wow thats a long time without sex for no reason ??
my hubby and i have not done it for probably 3 months now and that is only because i am struggling with his sexual encounter with another woman.....
....... he thinks he is dying because of that ..... but before it was 2 to 3 times a week and we used to have lots of fun

i would wonder why she doesnt want to do it for 6 years ?? if it was ok before that ?
does she enjoy it ?
what is her love language ( the 5 love languages book) and is it being fulfilled by you ?

lots of questions to ask as to why t stopped ?

then yuu being unfaithful is a whole new story.... why do men cheat rather than try to sort out the problem, talk to wife, or suggest someone to talk to about problems together ?

my hubby was upset at the hurt he caused me, ................... 3 years later when he told me about it, that is 

its going to be a long hard road ...good luck is all i can say


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

How odd. Seems like the reactions to a male WS are much kinder than those to female WS. Where is the insistence that the ow is a scumbag and used him for sex? 

OP, you have the absolute right to insist on a sexually satisfying marriage. The problem is going outside of your marriage won't fix the problems INSIDE the marriage. With an alleged 6 yr "dry spell" perhaps your marriage is over, as sad as that is. 

If you want to remain married, seems like you guys need to have an extremely frank and probably uncomfortable conversation. She deserves a faithful husband and you deserve a wife that treats you like a partner and a lover.


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## Rob1966 (Jan 24, 2013)

LanieB said:


> Wow. I've gotta say I agree with LetDownNTX. I am also a BW, and I can't seem to work up any outrage about Rob having an affair! Yes, I know all affairs are wrong, but geez. Rob already seems to realize the A didn't help things at all regarding his marriage.
> 
> My question(s) to Rob is: Do you really want to continue living like this? Is there a reason you would consider staying in this "fake" marriage?


Goodness I can't believe the response I have received on my outburst to a forum. It never passed my mind to think that my Wife could be having an affair. I just find that she has become passionate about the things we own, the house we live in and the car she drives that is on lease. She happily upgrades her Audi every three years at my expense. It is things that she cares about. Not people.

The answer to your question is I have no idea if I want to live on in a miserable household. If we lived in the same house and remain married who knows what the outcome will be. 

So emotional at this time where I struggle to focus on the day to day.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Rob1966 said:


> The answer to your question is I have no idea if I want to live on in a miserable household. If we lived in the same house and remain married who knows what the outcome will be.


Sounds like it would be the same thing that was going on previously. No sex in a lackluster marriage to a wife that seems apathetic to you.

Why would you want to go back to that exactly?


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## Rob1966 (Jan 24, 2013)

mary35 said:


> No sex for 6 years does not mean she is having an affair. There are many LD or more appropriate description - no drive spouses who would be content never to have sex again.
> 
> Also we should remember that we only got a snipit here of this marriage and its a one sided snipit at that. To make Law Partner in a firm, you pretty much sell your time and soul to the firm. Its possible that with him spending so much time and energy into his career, they developed a parallel marriage and there has not been much intimacy (emotional) in this marriage for a long time. Its possible that she through herself into her kids and other interests, possibly a career herself while he was occupied on his own. The love, sex, and respect for each other, could have died as a result of lack of emotional intimacy during most o their marriage.
> 
> ...


Honest answer here, is that you are right. For years right from the beginning my work was like my second marriage. I built my way up to have the reputation and client base that I have now. Around 7 years ago I stopped working in Corporate Law as it took all of my time away from the marriage and from our boys. I stopped because I love my family and my Wife was showing signs of being unhappy. For a few months after I stopped working in that area of Law we were fine. Sex was great, often and we enjoyed each others company and overall the love for each other was I suppose the way it should be in a marriage.

It wasn't long until everything stopped which is when I noticed when I was home more and earlier.

Like I said in a previous post. She is just so into what we have. At the moment I find her boring because all she wants to do is talk about renovating rooms in our house and the latest was buying a $30,000 Sofa from Italy and where the leather came from and it is just damn exhausting listening to that.

This fun person and classy person has become well she is still classy but boring and obsessed with objects and not living things.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Rob1966 said:


> Like I said in a previous post. She is just so into what we have. At the moment I find her boring because all she wants to do is talk about renovating rooms in our house and the latest was buying a $30,000 Sofa from Italy and where the leather came from and it is just damn exhausting listening to that.
> 
> This fun person and classy person has become well she is still classy but boring and obsessed with objects and not living things.


I think you are in for a surprise, since she could still have those things after she D's you. So that isn't why she would stay.

You maybe providing her cover for an affair with another person who is married. If she was divorced she wouldn't have the cover of being the "safe" woman to be around all the time for the other person.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

She might be able to have some of the things she has now but I'd say it wouldnt be without limits like it is now.

Who the hell buys a $30,000 couch!?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm not buying it. She's letting you be the bad guy. That's a great cover for someone who's probably been getting some strange on the side. 

And quit apologizing for working hard and becoming a success. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Rob1966 said:


> This fun person and classy person has become well she is still classy but boring and obsessed with objects and not living things.


I'm pretty sure she's got a couple of living things in the 7-8" range that she's interested in. Lack of interest in sex with you is not the same as a lack of interest in sex. Lots of guys make that mistake, so you aren't alone.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Rob, put yourself into PI mode for a while. You have the means, forensic research, professional PI, the PCs, the phone, whereabouts, the finances, follow the money!... go as long in the past as you can.
Her laughing at you when you confessed is very very worrisome as a response to being cheated on if you put it in the context of no intimacy, no sex, no non-superficial interactions for years. Then her request of caming back to the house, to the spare bedroom to present the facade... WOW!
To me is obvious she checked out time ago but... is her that shallow or is she having an separated emotional, sexual live? Take the red pill. Look at what you are facing with open eyes.
At the same time suggest MC, let her expose her understanding of the marriage the last years and after your confession.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Rob if you were representing you as a client in a divorce, and you had all this evidence, how would you proceed to protect your client's best interests?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Are we making Rob into a crazy suspicious person here?? Rob, I'm glad to hear you feel lots of remorse for your actions. I'm sure when you were doing the deed, you didn't think it would make you feel this way afterwards, right?? I said it before: Infidelity is absolutely DESTRUCTIVE to marriage (I dont know why some people just dont get that). It kills any emotion, empathy, and love a spouse had for their WS. 

In any case, you're going to have some seriously heavy lifting to do if you want to save this marriage. Absolutely NO CONTACT with the AP. Forever. She is dead to you. TRO her if you have to. 

Next, get rid of any triggers that might remind her of the A: emails, photos, etc. Anything. Trash it and start over. It will probably cost money, but your marriage is worth the money, right?? Having a reminder of it is the worst thing to see on a daily basis. 

Sign up ASAP for IC and see if she will agree to MC. Tell her you'll commit to it for a looooong time. Years. It sounds like you both have some issues to work out on your own. You need to figure out if you actually WANT to be in this unhappy marriage and she needs to figure out why she's so unhappy such that she doesn't want to touch you. 

Next, I'd take Hope 1964's advice on signs of a remorseful spouse: 

- proof you have sent nc letter and that are is sticking to it. 
- full disclosure of everything you did. 
- std test results in writing. 
- she must have full and unhindered access to your phone, emails, computer, bank accounts etc. for the next, oh, five years or so. 
- she gets all her questions answered, polygraph if necessary. 
- you must put gps on your car and phone for her to track you. 
- you must let her search your car every day for burner phones and your person for......whatever. 
- you must grovel at her feet and tell her you will do anything she wants your to and then do it. 
- commit to MC and IC for a few years.

GL. You have a long road ahead.


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## Yessongs72 (Dec 6, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Who the hell buys a $30,000 couch!?


A lawyers wife!


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Victim789 said:


> Are we making Rob into a crazy suspicious person here?? Rob, I'm glad to hear you feel lots of remorse for your actions. I'm sure when you were doing the deed, you didn't think it would make you feel this way afterwards, right?? I said it before: Infidelity is absolutely DESTRUCTIVE to marriage (I dont know why some people just dont get that). It kills any emotion, empathy, and love a spouse had for their WS.
> 
> In any case, you're going to have some seriously heavy lifting to do if you want to save this marriage. Absolutely NO CONTACT with the AP. Forever. She is dead to you. TRO her if you have to.
> 
> ...


While all this stuff is outstanding advice to a wayward spouse, this is a strange situation Rob1966 finds himself in. 

His wife simply laughs when learning of the affair? It looks like she doesn't care and this gives her a reason to put him into the guest room which is probably where she's wanted him for the last 6 years. 

So he can grovel and give her access to phone, computer, bank accounts, etc. all he wants and it likely won't matter. She's been liking her life the way it is for 6 years and she might even like it better now.

Before Rob does all that heavy lifting he needs to find out some answers as to what his wife has been up to for the last six sex-less years.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

*Rob:*

It sucks to be you at this time. Your sitch sounds similar to mine (although I'm not a wealthy lawyer - nor ever played one on TV). However my W has been cheating too.

Although it may not be true your W is cheating, hire a PI - just to be sure...you can afford it. I think your should ascertain whether your W is indeed getting hers on the side before you make ANY move right now. Whether she is or not will have a big impact on how I would proceed from here.

Don't even consider moving back in until you are certain she is not cheating (and maybe not even then). If she is cheating, you being home will likely push an affair underground. 

Let her know you're open to R, but you're taking some time apart some time to do some self-improvement. Then improve yourself: get busy at the gym, eat properly, get plenty of sleep (hint: sleeping meds at night have helped me). Don't be afraid to ask your MD for an AD scrip.

Buy and read "The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011" by Athol Kay. It's not a "sex book" per se, but gives some practical and useful information on male/female relationships. Here's the amazon.com link:

The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books

Question: have you gone NC (no contact) w/ your OW?


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Rob, I simply don't understand why you want this marriage at all?

Perhaps you haven't asked yourself why but I find this difficult to comprehend too.

Being a betrayed spouse I am minded to be in the "not liking Rob under any circumstance" club, but have you ended the affair? Is your affair partner married (if so I will stop posting in this thread).

If she isn't, then why not up sticks and move in with her instead (seriously)?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Does your affair partner know you are married? If so, then you realise what kind of a person she is right? Utterly worthless! Cut her entirely out of your life, regardless of what happens at home.

Before you make any big decisions on the home front, you need to get yourself some information, in order to make good decisions going forward. You need to look hard at what your wife has been doing for the past six years. That's an awfully long time to go without affection by choice. But you know that, you effectively chose that too, by going along with it. 
Maybe your wife has been getting her needs met elsewhere, maybe she has no needs, maybe she has become a master of sexual repression. You need to find out just what the case is. That will help you make an informed prediction about what your future might look like together. You'll need to decide what you want from life. Why did you work so hard to get where you are, do you like where you are, where do you want to go? Lots of similar questions. Some answers are with in you, others you need to seek out. Get yourself a counsellor, begin to sort yourself out. Take steps to find out what your wife's deal is too.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

bandit.45 said:


> I'm not buying it. She's letting you be the bad guy. That's a great cover for someone who's probably been getting some strange on the side.
> 
> And quit apologizing for working hard and becoming a success.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: I agree, you worked freaking hard for what you have. There are MANY women who would appreciate someone that at least worked!! Not saying it was handled properly but you are what you are.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Agreed. Rob you're a jerk for cheating... but it looks like you've hurt yourself more than you hurt your wife. 

Her whole behavior is strange. Even a woman who was emotionally divorced from her husband whould at least show some anger for having been played. 

Her behavior wreaks of "Ha! He screwed up! I can finally own him and twist him around my finger without looking like the bad guy! :FIREdevil:


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Whoa Nellie! A few blame-shifting comments from Rob and everyone blames the wife! While the advice to check out the possibility of the W having an affair is justified, I'd like to chime in as a BS in a sexless marriage pre-A. I was not frigid, a prude or manipulating sex for dominance, or having an affair. H and I had gone from a good marriage, fun sex to none by increments, where we were both guilty of negligence. My resentment towards my husband grew as emotional withdrawal by him grew insurmountable, gestures of affection became non-existant and the wham, bam, thankyou ma'am sex became routine. Add to that exhaustion and sensory overload due to 90% of childrearing responsibilities and you have the beginning of both of our sexual withdrawals from each other. And to top it off, we could not communicate our needs, disappointments and resentments in order to nip it in the bud. By the time his A began, I was absolutely convinced he found me repulsive(menopause had begun for me) and resigned myself to celibacy, fully expecting any day he would ask for a divorce. I hardened my heart to him and the hurts he inflicted in order to protect myself. I tried to talk to him, tried to get him to C but of course he being in the deep fog of an A, cake eating, etc just decieved and played the game as long as he could until dday. Now he admits he was wrong about many of his assumptions about me and has shown true remorse and has made incredible amends to his emotional and sexual approach to our relationship. We had some MC immediately, but now I go alone as he does not like some C telling him how to feel! So here I haunt this site to find explanations, closure and virtual encouragement and lose the sense of isolation I feel... please, please, posters, do not jump to mean spirited judgements when you only know one side of the story! And Rob's W laughing at his disclosure? Possibly a defense mechanism, a cultural idiosynchrosy if she is oriental or a conniving laugh of victory...only time will tell....


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm not blameshifting anything. If his wife wants to divorce him for cheating then she should do so. He deserves it. 

What I am saying is...her behavior and reaction are NOT NORMAL, and he needs to find out what she's up to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Rob, I can not condone what you have done, but must say that it is not surprising, giving the circumstances. I have no insight to what your wife may or may not have done and almost think that it is almost irrelevant. 

Personally I think that I would sit down with her with no distractions and have a very frank discussion. I would have a written agenda of what you would like to see happen with the relationship and how you propose to work to repair the relationship. If she is not interested or just wants more of the you pay I stay relationship, then I would look to separate or divorce. You appear to be at a crossroad in life, chose wisely which one you take.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

allwillbewell said:


> Whoa Nellie! A few blame-shifting comments from Rob and everyone blames the wife! --------------
> And Rob's W laughing at his disclosure? Possibly a defense mechanism, a cultural idiosynchrosy if she is oriental or a conniving laugh of victory...only time will tell....


Whatever it is he needs to find out.

My take. *If i were a serial, unrepetant cheating wife* (big IF here) who managed to avoid BH as sexual partner for years and years with different excuses only to have the poor man confessing a relatively short affair becasue guilt is eating him alive my first reaction would be to laugh my ass off and telling myself: did you really waited 6 six years in celibacy? Didn't you get my point clearly enough? Are you stupid? And you are so so so consumed by guilt ony for 2 month with that woman? Are you kidding me? Why the hell did you have to confess that? Great, now I'm forced to do "something", hmmm let's kick him out... hmmm not, enough, let's have him back, already punished, people will notice, I won't give up my lifestyle. Thanks' God I now have the perfect exuse to put him in the spare room for good. It's about time! 

The "cultural idiosynchrosy" doesn't cut for me. This is not a natural reaction. I'd like to know. I'd find out what the hell is going on here before making a foll out of me trying to win her back.

Now, even if she's not cheating I'd seriouly think in divorcing her ass, she abused him for years by withholding sex uniteraly. She never claimed unhappines nor made demands of any kind, she just spent his money. Why going back to that loveless, sexless marriage?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Rob, I can't help but wonder what thoughts were going through your head after the first 8 weeks of no sex? What about 6 months later? What about a year later? Your marriage was totally disconnected, your wife had become someone else and you did.....? 6 years later your pity party must have been one kick ass event!

You have been living in the hell of your own making, and you made it by not loving your wife enough to INSIST that you both get your needs met.

If you move back into that house and back into the guest room without insisting your marriage either become a marriage or it will be dissolved , then you can just get real comfy with your right hand cause nothing is going to change.

Blame yourself for your affair and blame yourself for the fact that your wife doesn't even care!

I never left my husband in all those years, but put up with serious garbage, and can only blame my own cowardice. It's not until we take a stand that anything ever improves.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

And get off the wife's back people. How much love do to think she felt when he meekly tacitly agrees to her demand for no intimacy? Not even a low drive woman would expect a HD man to put up with that. And yet, he did, for 6 years. And for those years plus all the preceding years she continued to make her own life without loving intimacy. You men might think that that's something any woman could easily do, but no you are wrong. Women crave love, affection and emotional connection. Intimacy comes with that connection as a result, rarely does intimacy exist outside of a connection.

Her new life is superficial and shallow and on some level she knows this. But having long ago shut that door, she's become immune to the pull of intimacy with her husband. That is the saddest thing I've heard all day.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> ... Women crave love, affection and emotional connection. Intimacy comes with that connection as a result, rarely does intimacy exist outside of a connection...


And this little reality is the reason so many believe she has been having a long term affair. She has, admittedly - according to him - rebuffed him. Is it odd that the rebuffing started shortly after he found more time to be at home 7 years ago. And shortly thereafter the sex fountain dried up? 

There's more to the story than Rob's affair.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> And this little reality is the reason so many believe she has been having a long term affair. She has, admittedly - according to him - rebuffed him. Is it odd that the rebuffing started shortly after he found more time to be at home 7 years ago. And shortly thereafter the sex fountain dried up?
> 
> There's more to the story than Rob's affair.


Having been raised in a similar situation as Rob's I can tell you the social climbing and superficiality have given Mrs. Rob all the stroking her husband should have been giving. Country club women are vicious, competitive, nasty creatures and if that's the arena that gave her the stroking, then she was going to go ALL IN. 

There's no orgasm that can compete to the country club wives high when the Italian leather sofa and jacquard curtains from Paris are oohed and ahhhhed. <-- Isn't that the saddest thing ever?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

The saddest thing ever? maybe only second to the state of Mr & Mrs Rob's marriage.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

I have to echo the sentiments of so many here, why would you want to remain married to this woman? This sounds more like a business arrangement than a marriage. 

Cheating is never the right choice, but that said I can't fathom putting up with a sexless marriage for six years. I think I would have packed a bag and walked out when she refused to discuss it with you. 

How does your "wife" show her appreciation for you, for your hard work, the trips, the lavish home furnishings? What does she contribute to the relationship?

Her response to your confession is disturbing. Please do not move back home before unraveling what's going on with her. Too bad if the neighbors find out, some things are more important than appearances.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Aunt Ava said:


> I have to echo the sentiments of so many here, why would you want to remain married to this woman? This sounds more like a business arrangement than a marriage.
> 
> Cheating is never the right choice, but that said I can't fathom putting up with a sexless marriage for six years. I think I would have packed a bag and walked out when she refused to discuss it with you.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Ava your a pretty smart cookie


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rob, does your wife work at all outside the home?

Her response to you telling about your affair is disturbing. She laughed. I agree with others. You need to investigate her and make sure that she is not having an affair or affairs. Get a PI to follow her. Look at her phone bills and see who she is calling. 

If she is not cheating then fine. But I don't think you can just dismiss her. You have no idea what she does when she's traveling and out doing her thing.

Depending on where your life, her infidelity could make a huge difference on how much she gets in a divorce.

Who told your children about the infidelity? Was it your wife? Did she fill them in on things like your marriage being sexless for years? She's painting you as the bad guy. Be careful.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

That's a good "Q"...who did tell the kids about your cheating?

I told my kids about my W's A (they're all grown and have careers and families of their own), 
but I also told them about my cheating as well - and the extent of it. 

.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I suspect that Rob is getting different feedback than he expected. The six years is a true game changer, in my opinion. It alters all of the considerations for me.

If he goes for counseling, I won't be at all surprised to hear that the counselor advises divorce & not just because of the infidelity. More to let Rob have a chance at a real marriage with a woman who treats him well.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> She might be able to have some of the things she has now but I'd say it wouldnt be without limits like it is now.
> 
> Who the hell buys a $30,000 couch!?





Yessongs72 said:


> A lawyers wife!


Actually a RICH lawyer's wife.

The majority of them don't make a lot of money and are mired in student loans.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Rob, my wife withheld intimacy from me and grudgingly gave me duty sex a few times a month. 

I can't even fathom having gone without it for six years. (You seem like a smart guy - at least career-wise - why do you want to remain married to this woman? But I digress.

The point that I wanted to get across is that while she was withholding sex from me (I thought that she was frigid) she was happily giving it to other men. I guess this is what drove me to a near-murderous rage the night I found out about her infidelities. (Lucky for her she stayed away when I warned her not to come home that night.)

How are you going to feel when (if?) you find out that all the while you were being deprived, she was getting satisfaction from cabana boys and other men while she traveled the world on your hard-earned Benjamins?

(And for posters who think we're being too easy on him or overly-hard on his wife, this is far from the case. Something is rotten in Denmark and we would not be doing our 'jobs' if we didn't point it out to Rob.)


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Rob

FACTS
Your wife quit having sex with you 6 years ago
You had an affair
Your wife’s reaction to your confession to an affair was that she laughed
Your wife has proved to you that materialism means more to her than you do.
Your wife wants you to move n back in for show and materialism
Your wife does not even want you in the same room with her.
Your wife shows no sign of wanting to make the marriage work
Your wife appears to have very little or no love for you.


With the above facts I would say that your marriage is over. Even Stevie Wonder can see that!
Your wife has a very serious negative about your marriage and has had for 6 years. 
You had an affair and it will cost you dearly. 

Unless there is a miracle, and your wife has a 180 turn around, this is what I would advise.

Get help with your emotions, and make an immediate plan and a long range plan.
The plans should include you working at rebuilding your relationships with your children (Long range plan), building yourself y up body, mind, and spirit, protecting your assets a much as possible, and severing your relationship with your wife and to the extent possible no contact at all with her. Don’t let your guilt and emotions deny the facts that you have presented as listed above. If you do you will compromise and substantially reduce your chance to rebuild your life to have a good life.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

With the money Rob has, he at least has the luxury of hiring a good PI. Heck he could probably pay for a spy satellite to be placed in geosynchronous orbit above her.

He should go all out, put spy apps on her phone, retrieve deleted texts, keylog everything even the microwave oven, recordings devices wherever feasible, have her followed by a PI, sift through her finances, statements for strange purchases, GPS tracker in her car, I mean, cars.

She is a million percent engaged in "extracurricular activities" IMHO.

He has an advantage in that, from his handful of posts, it doesn't seem she has the slightest concern that he suspects anything as yet. 

Shine a forensic light on her life OP. 6 years....dear God....


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Mr Blunt said:


> Rob....
> 
> With the above facts I would say that your marriage is over. Even Stevie Wonder can see that!


*In a seance last night, Ray Charles came out of the ether and told me he wholeheartedly concurred.*


.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Cheating Husbands almost always say that they have been in a sexless marriage with their mad wives who don't understand them.
It was wrong to hurt her like that. She may be bottling it up. Be scared your going to leave, who knows, but she seems willing to sweep it under the carpet. Like many do.

If it really has been 6 years of "duty sex" or no sex then really have a think.. 

I can tell you that as a man who put up with 5 years of duty sex and being told that she "didn't like sex" only to have her leave me and her family for sex with a married man that it was the most liberating thing that has happened to me. Yes. It hurt like fcok for a long time but I am now with a woman who wants, nay demands, frequent and uninhibited sex. We laugh together and she supports herself. I still regularly go into shock because she thinks of me. 
Please think very seriously about your life and the choices that you have now.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

^^^AGREE^^^WITH^^^THIS^^^
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Actually a RICH lawyer's wife.
> 
> *The majority of them don't make a lot of money* and are mired in student loans.


These days I know a couple who address the bench with this rhetorical question: "Do you want fries with that?"


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> These days I know a couple who address the bench with this rhetorical question: "Do you want fries with that?"


^^^Now that's funny - I don't care who you are. 

Nice shot, Mach.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Actually a RICH lawyer's wife.
> 
> The majority of them don't make a lot of money and are mired in student loans.


You beat me to what I was going to say. _Some_ lawyers are doing very well, but it's not a good profession right now for most. WAY to many grads for the number of jobs out there.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> I suspect that Rob is getting different feedback than he expected. The six years is a true game changer, in my opinion. It alters all of the considerations for me.


Elvis has left the building. Pretty much right on schedule.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

So sad. 

While he was busy making hay, methinks his wife was busy rolling in it with other men.

Hopefully, he'll use some of his money to get to the bottom of everything.

(I really hope that he can repair his relationship with his kids - I'm sure he gave them the best lives that money can buy.)


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> And get off the wife's back people. How much love do to think she felt when he meekly tacitly agrees to her demand for no intimacy? Not even a low drive woman would expect a HD man to put up with that. And yet, he did, for 6 years. And for those years plus all the preceding years she continued to make her own life without loving intimacy.


Oh, so now it's Rob's fault for giving in to his wife's demand for no intimacy without a complaint? It's his fault the poor woman has gone for 6 years without "loving intimacy" because he didn't argue the point when she requested it?

Yeah that makes sense.


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