# Wife super angry, dont know how to respond



## samsonite (Aug 20, 2012)

Hello, Im new here. Nice to meet everybody. I have a dilemma I face everytime I get into a argument with my wife. Here's the background story. Sunday was an important religious holiday for us. I had told her long before that my best friend was having a camping trip instead of a bachelor party before his wedding this weekend and that I would be home sunday by noon. I was going to stay home but she pushed me to go since it was my friend. We ended up sleeping in sunday morning and I called her and told her Id be an hour or 2 late getting back home and apologized. She got extremely upset, saying "whatever" and and wanted to hang up on me. We both said bye and she hung up without saying the usual " I love you, be careful, etc.." before we hang up. I called her again to tell her we were half way home but she seemed to not care and was still in her "whatever" mood. When I got home, I smiled a bit when I saw her, hugged her, kissed her forehead but was in extreme pain from some things that happened at the camping trip. She on the other hand didnt smile at all and was still upset. I took a shower and ended up falling asleep on the bed. She satyed in the living room watching tv and didnt bother checking on me. I ended up sleeping for a few hours and didnt really spend our holiday together. Ill admit I was angry with her at this point and didnt want to be around her. Everything finally erupted in the evening with her screaming and telling me shes had enough of this. She unloaded ALL of our relationship problems ranging from us not sleeping together despit being newlyweds to her feeling unloved and that I dont do anything for her. And that all I do is sit on the couch. This is not true as I work hard and while I feel Im not where I want to be, Im no slouch. I have a psychology degree, work as an analyst, Im the primary bread winner and I give her everything she needs or wants. Im worn out after working 8-12 hours everyday so yes, I do like to relax after working all day. But I digress. So she typically uses our smaller arguments to unleash all her frustration and wants to solve all our problems in one big argument. So heres the issue. I have this type of defensive response where I completely shut down when faced with this. Its my way of coping with extreme stress and frustration and I have no other way to deal with is. Ive lost my "support net" in my family and ended up having to be the family stone and didnt have time to grieve for my loss. Ive also endured alot of hardships siince I was 14 so shutting down is my way of coping and not succumbing to the stress and anxiety which would otherwise drive a normal person to possible suicide. This way of coping is very much a part of me. And she HATES that when she starts yelling and screaming that I dont join her in a shouting match and sees that as me being weak or indifferent. She absolutely hates that my mellowness prevents me from showing any passion or emotion according to her and states she feels nothing in this relationship anymore. I love this women and have no idea what to do. I dont feel I can change my mellow demeanor, I do own up to my mistakes in the relationship but she doesnt and sees all of our relationship problems as my fault the majority of the time. This mornign after waking up we talked a little, said our "I love you's" before I went to work, and she texted me when I got to work that she still loves me but is upset with me. How do I apologize? How do I make things right?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

You are in a dynamic where your wife's needs are not getting met, so she brings them to you in hopes you will take an active role in meeting them. Your view is that you do enough and you are no slouch. This has the effect of making her ramp up the volume, which in turn makes you shut down more. She'll yell, you'll go in your cave. Etc.

For instance, if you knew the holiday was important to her, why did you fall asleep and expect her to check on you? Why weren't you the one checking on her, making sure she was enjoying your special time?

I bet your wife would love it if you could sit her down and tell her you want to spend 30 minutes learning what exactly you could do to help her be happy in the relationship. And do not shut down when she finally opens up! You might be surprised what you hear.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Ask her what she wants you to do about it now, she's exhibited her frustration and her disappointment, buts its over now and neither of you can take it back. IMHO, it was bad planning, and if she pushed you to go as you say, she's kinda at fault too. 

Is there more to it?


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## jelichmann (Apr 5, 2012)

I really like and agree with Acorn's response, so make sure you go back and read that in post #2.

For me, I actually have a similar reaction to confrontation, and I actually suspect that more men than you'd like to believe have this same reaction. That is to say, we clam up. We build a wall. We hide behind apathy. There's not really anything wrong with it, but every now and then in certain situations (such as this one) you have to come out and make yourself vulnerable to open communication. That doesn't mean yelling or screaming, it means saying what you're thinking.

For this particular problem, I don't really have any revolutionary advice. You can apologize, but that's not going to magically make things better.

All I can say is… Put yourself in her shoes. Even if you don't see what you did as wrong, per se, once you can understand the way your actions have made her FEEL, I think you'll have a better idea about how to approach her.

In general, even though I know how difficult it is to fully engage and love your wife after an 8 or 10 hour workday, understand that's exactly what you signed up for when you married her. I know it's easy to come home and take your hard earned "me time" in front of the TV, but that does NOTHING for your marriage and NOTHING for your wife.

Relationships are work, there's no two ways about it. When you get home, you're workday isn't over. The "work" you put into making your wife happy and staying emotionally available even after a 12 hour workday will be the most rewarding "work" will ever do in your entire life. Don't do it, and it will be worse than getting fired.


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## samsonite (Aug 20, 2012)

Thanks for all the great advice, Acorn, I read yours a couple times to get it all in. If I couldve stayed home and enjoy the holiday I would have. I didnt mean to sleep the whole day and not to make an excuse but I busted my shoulder on a rock while rafting down a river and I literally passed out on the bed. I thought my apology was sincere because I did truly mean it. Unfortunately, we have had many arguments and Ive said sorry many many times so a simple apology wont work. I have felt that my wife's anger in the past was a little irrational but in many cases I apologize anyways just to make peace. I want to make things right but I dont it was reasonable for my wife to get as mad as she did when I told ehr I was going to be late. In our past arguments, it has always been 100% my fault for whatever we were arguing about and I get frustrated soemtimes because I know its not 100% my fault.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your wife is giving you important feedback.
Ignore it at your peril.

She needs her emotional needs to be met by you.

Just becuase you work hard and financially take care of things, this is not her #1 need. She doesn't connect with your financial support at an emotional level.


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## samsonite (Aug 20, 2012)

Yeah, I think that may be a key thing here. Im not meeting her emotional needs. Im just totally clueless on how to change and start meeting her needs. Is marriage counseling an option that works or is it more or less a scam?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

MC can work if both people are open to it, but keep in mind that you may have the same problems with the MC as you do with your wife - if the MC asks you to discuss an area that is uncomfortable, I'd be willing to bet you'd start shutting down again.

My guess is that you and your wife have both built up a lot of resentment based on your dynamic. That's understandable. You can kind of see it in the way that she kept everything inside until finally blowing up and hitting you with everything but the kitchen sink.

Notice how when you came here, you opened your soul to perfect strangers and were willing to consider what we are all saying. To me, you are half way there! The hard part will be for you to let go of the resentment and approach your wife the same way. You marriage will be so much better if you can.

Start with something like, "Wife, I think I have finally heard you. I want to understand how I can do things better around here."

She will probably not trust your epiphany at first, but if you can truly keep an open mind and listen - even when it hurts - I think you will find that your wife will start to trust that you are genuine and she'll tone down the volume. You will both be so much happier if you can get there.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I would not do MC.
The process is that the couseler will dredge up all her anger and cause her to picture why she dislikes you.....

Read a book called His Needs Her Needs or the 5 Love languages.
I recommend against the excersizes, just start doing things to meet her needs trial and error fashion, seeing what the likes or doesn't like.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

samsonite said:


> And she HATES that when she starts yelling and screaming that I dont join her in a shouting match and sees that as me being weak or indifferent.


Some people like being yelled at and smacked every once in a while because fighting is every bit as stimulating as cocaine. It gets the blood flowing, brain metabolism increases, dopamine levels soar. Some people even like being hit because the body releases endorphins in response to pain. I'm not a fan of screaming matches, but I love arguing.



> I have felt that my wife's anger in the past was a little irrational but in many cases *I apologize anyways just to make peace*.


If you're wrong, apologize. If you're not wrong, don't apologize. Look at it from her perspective. By being confrontational, she gets everything she wants. She is being rewarded for confrontation. Of course she's going to keep being confrontational. She's not stupid. You don't need to yell back or get physical, but don't apologize. Talk about ways to prevent this from happening again, and only apologize when you've done something wrong.

Yes you screwed up by being late and then sleeping, but how she responds to this might be partly your fault as well. Has this happened before where she stays angry then something positive happens because of it? I'll give an example. I know a couple where the girl often gets dramatic and the guy responds by buying her things like new clothes. As a result of this, she's dramatic all the time. It never stops. She always looks incredibly good in her never ending supply of new clothes.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

This sounds like my husband. He tells me to go to a party I don't want to go to and then gets super pissed off when I roll in at 4am.

Married people are insane.

Anyway, I have heard that this happens often with newlyweds. They don't understand what each others needs really are because they aren't mind readers and end up at each other's throats for the first 5 yrs or so. Don't fret, just seek some help. A third party, a professional, can offer suggestions that you never even thought to use. These things will teach you how to really listen to each other and talk to each other in an effective way.

Don't apologize if you don't mean it. It's worthless, wastes time and ends up with you harboring resentment. She needs to try and understand the emotional shutting down thing and that it's a tried and true coping mechanism for you. Stress this.

You sound like you let her get the best of you because you fear her reaction. This is so harmful to a relationship because it leads you to lying, hiding things etc. I've had two husbands so far who were **** scared of me. It SUCKED/SUCKS. They'll do ANYTHING to spare themselves my wrath. I hate to admit but I do have some serious wrath and I work on it. The lesson there is, she needs to know that she makes you afraid at times as well.

I forgot what I was saying now but I'm sure I'll remember it at some point.


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## LFin (Aug 18, 2012)

Hate to say it, but she sounds like a typical girl. It is normal for us girls to keep unresolved fights or worries in and let them ALL out when we have reached our boiling point. I admit I do the same thing. It is important to know and keep in mind the differences in men and women with arguments. My husband and I can argue and I want to continue talking about it to solve the problem and he thought it was solved 20 minutes ago. Since the problem isn't resolved to me, it will come up again unless fixed. Maybe sit down with her and go over each problem and try to find a solution instead of just acknowledging it. 

We had to go through a marriage course before we got married and we learned some good tools. Here is one that really worked for us... 

at the end of each day tell each other 1 thing that your spouse did that day that bothered and 1 thing that you appreciated. (Make sure you do the good one last so it ends on a good note!) The conversation ends there. You are not allowed to defend yourself; just accept it and keep it in mind for the future. Always end with an I love you and a kiss.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Why did she say you are not sleeping together? Is this code for: you are not attracted to her, or something else?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You sound a lot like newlyweds trying to figure out the 'married people' calculus. My H is very much like the way you describe yourself. He actually writes down the feelings that he won't say out loud to me. You were able to write your first (long) post on this. Maybe you should write her a letter.

And by all means follow the advice above on trying to 'hear' what she's saying about her concerns, both of you meeting one another's needs, etc.


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

Look dude. She wants a fight, so give her a fight. She wants to know that you care, that you're not afraid of her, and that she evokes emotion in you. She wants a man she can respect, a man who will fight for himself and for her. So give her what she wants and don't let her forget it. Instead of backing down like a sissy boy give her a taste of her own medicine. Guarantee the love and sex will be great afterwards. 

Hone your masculinity. Be kind, caring, loving, and supportive but a warrior when you or your family's boundaries are crossed.


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

Viseral said:


> Look dude. She wants a fight, so give her a fight. Instead of backing down like a sissy boy give her a taste of her own medicine.


No, that will only escalate the conflict.

Real men are lovers not fighters.

I suspect it's time for more oral sex.


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