# Heartbroken Husband Needs Advice



## hh085 (May 4, 2015)

Greetings. I have been married to my wife for a little over a year. While we were dating, things were great. However, on our honeymoon I saw a side of her i didnt suspect. We got into a little argument and then all of the sudden she just yelled "F you" (full word was used). I was a little surprised to say the least but I tried so show her grace and eventually we moved on from it. But that was just a little taste of the hell that was about to come. 
Let me give you a little history first, my wife grew up watching her dad beat on her mom and in her first marriage she was a victim herself. So there is some history there, but nothing that excuses how she treats me. 
My wife has created this fairy tale idea of what marriage is and as a result her expectations of me are insane. Basically, if we have any normal issues that happen in marriages she freaks out. I will admit, sometimes i am at fault but when she expresses her concern and i apologize her response it always "you're not sorry, you dont give a **** about me." however, i am sorry. Where i come from, if there is in issue in marriage you talk about it, apologize, and then move past it. But even after i apologize she keeps yelling and pushing the issue and tells me im not sorry. Heres where it gets scary.
MY WIFE HAS A TEMPER! She constantly tells me she...(all of these are yelled at the top of her lungs)
"I hate you!"
"You're a piece of Sh*t"
"Marrying you was the biggest mistake of my life."
"F*ck you"
"You're a terrible evil person"
"Just because im your wife doesnt mean i have to like you"
"I dont love you"
"Im leaving you"
"Im going to destroy you and your career"
She is constantly throwing her wedding rings at me, she has blackened my eye, threw glass at me which cut me, digs nails into me, throws things, breaks things, tries to destroy property that i care about, and calls me every name under the sky.
She never apologizes for her actions, but blames me and expects me to apologize. many times i swallow my pride and do just out of fear of the situation escalating. 
She sends me terrible text messages after we have an argument. 
I am at a loss...i am a 30 year old man living in fear, with no confidence in being a husband, when all i have ever tried to do is to be good to her. But I have heard those hateful things said to me so much, my heart is becoming numb...
and advice would be appreciated.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: please help*

Please add paragraphs to you post to make it easier to read.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: please help*

Your wife sounds abusive. 

How long have you been married?

Do you have any children with her?

Why are you still in the marriage if this is what it's like?

.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I deleted your other thread since is was identical to this one.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP, what you are experiencing is domestic violence. There is NO excuse for that. You need to get out - NOW.

If the situation was reversed and you were doing this to her, you would be vilified for it. 

No one deserves this.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Dude, grow a set and dump this "lady"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marnie (Sep 5, 2014)

Damn, who needs enemies when you have a spouse who talks to you that way? Sounds downright miserable.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Why are you still married to her?

Keep a VAR on you at all times. Voice activated recorder. She will call the cops on you and claim abuse when you try to leave.

Also go see a therapist. Try to get a handle on why you would want to be married to a verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive monster.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I agree-you need to protect yourself physically and emotionally. I don't know much about abusive women, but I would encourage you to do some reading to find out what risks you are taking. A woman would be told that her life is in danger; I don't know if that is true in the reverse situation. The VAR is a good idea *if* you intend to stay long enough to build a case for annulment (mental instability on her side; based on recordings and a court-ordered psych assessment, you might be granted an annulment and freed from the burdens that come from divorce.

Please do everything you can to protect yourself from fathering a child, too. Nothing would be worse than being tied to this woman forever, or knowing you have to put a child in her care even some of the time. I know it sounds extreme but if she is not on birth control, find a way to stop all sex if you can (claim an injury or illness that makes sex impossible; unless she insists on doctor visits with you, she won't know). At the very least, soak yourself in hot water and wear tight undies to reduce the quality of your sperm. I'm sure that there are other ideas for men in your situation; these are just some thoughts off the top of my head.

Get legal advice and plan your exit. Do not breathe a word of this to her--leaving is the most dangerous time for women and I expect it is for men, too. A domestic violence hotline can give you some good advice, too, but call from work so she doesn't stumble across your plan. 

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this miserable position; stay safe, and good luck.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

hh085 said:


> MY WIFE HAS A TEMPER! She constantly tells me she...(all of these are yelled at the top of her lungs)
> "I hate you!"
> "You're a piece of Sh*t"
> "Marrying you was the biggest mistake of my life."
> ...


Ever thought of calmly replying to her insane outbursts with a simple statement? "I'm calling a lawyer in the morning."

I'd also suggest you extract your testicles from her purse. Right now.

People treat us the way we allow them to. You allow it. Consider calling an attorney and pulling the plug. Seriously.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

A VAR recording is useless in court proceedings in most cases except it can be used as evidence against a false accusation.

And yes just because he is a man his life is still in danger. Guns, knives, blows to the head hurt men as much as women. Especially when the victim is asleep.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Listen to the other posters. They know what they are talking about.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

For anyone in such a situation: Abandon ship!

(could this be real?)


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Anullment time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Call 911 and they will help you get away.

If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.

========================================

It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps. 

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

Get a support system:


* Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling. 

* Also check into legal aid in your area.

* Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.

* Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble. 

* Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:

*** your mail from the ‘safe address’

*** All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account

*** Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.

*** Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports, 

*** Car title, social security cards, credit cards, 

*** Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.) 

*** Titles, deeds and other property information 

*** Medical records

*** Children's school and immunization records

*** Insurance information

*** Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s. 

*** Welfare identification

*** Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions
Your safety Plan: this is so that you can leave immediately if things get out of hand.

* Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter. 

* Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.

* If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit. 

* Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made. 

* Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures. 

* You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse. 

* Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you. 

* If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape. 

* Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape. 

* Hide an extra set of car keys. 

* Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”. 

* Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends. 

* Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc. 

* Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave. 

* Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial. 

* Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate. 

After Leaving the Abusive Relationship 

If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving: 


* Change your locks and phone number. 

* Change your work hours and route taken to work. 

* Change the route taken to transport children to school. 

* Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times. 

* Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect. 

* Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender. 

* Call law enforcement to enforce the order. 

* If you leave: 

* Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number. 

* Change your work hours, if possible. 

* Alert school authorities of the situation. 

* Consider changing your children's schools. 

* Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them. 

* Use different stores and frequent different social spots. 

* Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger. 

* Talk to trusted people about the violence. 

* Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system. 

* Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible. 

* Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order. 

* Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.

Call 911 and they will help you get away.

If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.

========================================

It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps. 

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

Get a support system:



Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.


Also check into legal aid in your area.



Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.


Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble. 


Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:



your mail from the ‘safe address’


All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account


Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.


Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports, 


Car title, social security cards, credit cards, 


Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.) 


Titles, deeds and other property information 


Medical records


Children's school and immunization records


Insurance information


Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s. 


Welfare identification


Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions

Your safety Plan: this is so that you can leave immediately if things get out of hand.


Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter. 


Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.


If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit. 


Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made. 


Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures. 


You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse. 


Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.


If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape. 


Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape. 


Hide an extra set of car keys. 


Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”. 


Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends. 


Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc. 


Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave. 


Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial. 


Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.

After Leaving the Abusive Relationship 

If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving: 



Change your locks and phone number. 


Change your work hours and route taken to work. 


Change the route taken to transport children to school. 



Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times. 


Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect. 


Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender. 



Call law enforcement to enforce the order. 


If you leave: 


Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number. 


Change your work hours, if possible. 


Alert school authorities of the situation. 


Consider changing your children's schools. 


Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them. 


Use different stores and frequent different social spots. 


Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger. 


Talk to trusted people about the violence. 


Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system. 


Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible. 


Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order. 


Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hh085,

You need to get out of there. The above post is an domestic abuse/violence exit plan. 

If you can just leave today, do it. If not get to a domestic abuse organization and get counseling so that they can help you get out of there.

And I agree about you have a VAR (voice activated recorder) on you were she cannot see it at all times when you are around her. Store the recordings in a safe place.. like on the cloud. It's for evidence in court so much as it is to back up that you are not perpetrator.

If you live in a 2 party state (means that all parties have to agree to the recording), check out the laws because in most 2 party states it is legal to record without permission to get evidence of a crime. Domestic violence is a crime.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

It sounds to me that your wife has had some real bad examples in her life and she has learned from them how to interact but it is not healthy and she is not even aware. I would suggest that you try marriage counseling so that she can hear what you have to say and hopefully start working on effective communication.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

The longer you stay with her the longer it will take to recover when it inevitably falls apart.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Run like your a$$ is on fire. She was a darling up until the wedding ceremony, then that very night she turned abusive. Verbally, physically, and emotionally abusive. This is the profile of someone deeply disturbed. She doesn't just have a temper, because you would have seen that before the wedding. She has deep emotional and psychological issues.

You can't _nice_ her into being a calm loving wife. You can't use logic on her. Imo therapy isn't likely to have much effect on her.

The only move which will save you is to get out. Talk to a lawyer and follow Ele's advice on how to get out.


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## tonedef (Aug 7, 2014)

Run like h3ll. I do not think this marriage can be fixed. She can not fix herself when she does not think she has a problem and it sounds like she has many. You may love her, and you are probably holding onto what you once thought she was- and hanging on to that thread of hope she will come back, but I can almost bet that this is how you will spend your remainder years if you stay. You are only 30! You are still so young. I would leave now while you are young and childless because the older you get the harder it will be and for a minute please think what h3ll a kid would go through should you have one. If you do leave- prepare yourself for anger or the whole ''I will change'' bs, because she just might until you let your guard down- then sink back into her horrible ways.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> A VAR recording is useless in court proceedings in most cases except it can be used as evidence against a false accusation.
> 
> And yes just because he is a man his life is still in danger. Guns, knives, blows to the head hurt men as much as women. Especially when the victim is asleep.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can't agree on the "most cases" part. There are only 9 two party states, the other 41 states the recording would be admissible in court as long as the person making the recording is a party to the conversation. 

Two party consent states: California, Connecticut, Florida, Maryland,http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Telephone_recording_laws#cite_note-21 Massachusetts,http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Telephone_recording_laws#cite_note-dmlp.org-19 Montana, New Hampshire,http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Telephone_recording_laws#cite_note-23 Pennsylvania,http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Telephone_recording_laws#cite_note-24 and Washington.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Even if in a 2 party state it may make sense to record for self protection against false allegations.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Yes my point was the VAR Was to protect himself in the event of false accusation. 

Elegirl, that DV post needs to be stickied somewhere, if it isn't already.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Okay, folks. New poster. Just joined. One post. No responses to our advice.

He may be back again, but this type of thing always raises my antennae. 

If you want to keep replying, by all means go ahead.

But for now .... I'm suspicious.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

I had a dysfunctional childhood too.

I can react with nastiness sometimes.

I don't mean to, I don't mean it, and it took hearing myself before I started to stop it.

Record her, let her hear it (later, after she has calmed down).

Show empathy, but let her know how much it hurts you, and that you know she isn't trying to hurt you on purpose, but that is the result.

Then work on a plan for her to identify her outbursts so she can begin to control them.

People have no idea what a bad childhood can do to a seemingly rational adult.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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