# One standpoint from a young teenage kid ten years later



## ThirstyBoots (Jul 11, 2014)

I went though it too you all. My parents divorced when I was twelve or thirteen. 

International family trips every year as early as I can remember. Lone professional business ones as well. All of a sudden a call because of a canceled plane and information is acquired. A hotel room. Detective work and spider senses. Then a workplace affair is uncovered. 

We were happy. So yes, yes mine. It was MY household they put on hold and then separated forever. The insane tension they couldn't hide from my prying eyes, especially my ears. Them shouting in complete absence of the love they once had, the love that I thought so dearly of. Looking back I can imagine one of them saying in a back room, arguing: “He's old enough to handle it” - then a counter point. Yeah I couldn't, I know now as an adult I couldn't. I was sensitive and I'm emotionally weak. Then the lies, I was told all about the lies. Did I think how could someone I loved so much be so mean and disgusting? But I felt involved. IT lied to me, IT made me fell disgusted. 

Naturally the ultimate blowout came afterward. Lost emotions and then (amazingly) the clean divorce. Strange how the acceptance of it all kicked in for me only after a year or two. Kind of like a survival mechanism for normalcy and contentment. But maybe that's just me. One of my step-parents still is the affair partner. I'm forgiving and it's hard for me to take grudges. But maybe it was the charisma and the smarts of the cheaters, my now family. Whom may in a sense won me over to complicity. Those two. The destroyers of the the love I knew, the reason for my tears and anguish at such an impressionable age. I do not underestimate that now and my mind is opening to realizations. Of our family unit. A farce. See how that is? 

Recently I needed answers and I actually asked one of my parents if I'm actually biologically theirs. Weird face and tears. Embarrassing. How **** up is that?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Did they bother to get you into counselling and therapy?

If not, theraphy -what they call Talking Therapy- might be of benefit to you, even at this stage. 

You will find that we are all good listeners here.

Incidentally, cheaters often say: "The kids can cope. They'll be alright."

Your post is proof that kids rarely can cope when cheating parents blow up the marriage.

And having to treat the affair partner as a parent? Man, that's gotta suck, big time, with feelings of guilt, anger and the like.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

My parents divorced when I was 10. I found out only recently that my dad had apparently cheated with several women during their marriage. He was also an alcoholic and somewhat abusive. 

The divorce was a, positive for my situation. My mother remarried and he was a great guy. My father remarried and she helped tame my dad. So, I gained two good step parents. Likewise, during and after the divorce I spent a lot of time with my uncle and aunt. In essence, I gained four new parent figures in my life.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My dad got caught cheating and moved out (for 'better' women) when I was 12. He may have been a selfish baby with a temper, but life was far better before he left than after. Older brother tried to 'become' my father and made my life miserable. Mom started working 80 hours a week (for no extra money) just to avoid our lives. So poor we couldn't afford meat for six years. Couldn't afford to fix the house as it fell apart around us. Couldn't even afford to fix the lawn mower so neighbors 'pity mowed' our lawn from time to time. All while my dad came by for his weekly visits, saw it all, and did nothing.

The only bright spot in my childhood after that is that my mom never dated again. I think if she had remarried, I wouldn't have survived, my self worth was so low.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

My H started a passionate, intense EA whilst I was recovering from life saving surgery. His OW was his mistress from 12 years ago. Both times he turned into an emotionally abusive bum hole to me. 

I have a degenerative spine (not disc, spine) so I do & will live with chronic pain for the rest of my life. I've found many 'tricks' to live a fulfilling life but a 'normal' job, my past career, is now impossible. Shortly after d-day I was diagnosed with 2 kinds of cancer.

My H is a good Dad. His fantasy during his affairs involved dumping his whole life, including us & his career so I now live with the knowledge that I can be left destitute with my young children on his whim. 

I'm a mess. I'm broken. I'm lost. 

Given my potential future & the fact that although he has never really shown remorse should I stay & keep my family together? I love my H. We've been together for our whole adult life, 26 years. Even my H described our life as 'Magical'. 

I shake, I cry when I trigger. I know I'm mentally broken but my kids don't know this. They think physical pain makes me cry. They are happy & well adjusted. They'll probably grow-up thinking that I'm weak & miserable & my H as the strong provider. I don't care. I want the best for my kids. I don't know how long I will live for. I think it would be cruel to subject them to the pain that the OP describes only to die of cancer. I know that the stress & emotional pain isn't healthy for me.

I've lost my love story, my innocence, my joy. Honestly, my chances of finding new love & living happily ever after is close to zero anyway. 

I'm a good actress & my H is the king of denial & conflict avoidance.

Should a Mum stay to provide her children with a standard of living & a 'happy' stable family life?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

BrokenLady said:


> My H started a passionate, intense EA whilst I was recovering from life saving surgery. His OW was his mistress from 12 years ago. Both times he turned into an emotionally abusive bum hole to me.
> 
> I have a degenerative spine (not disc, spine) so I do & will live with chronic pain for the rest of my life. I've found many 'tricks' to live a fulfilling life but a 'normal' job, my past career, is now impossible. Shortly after d-day I was diagnosed with 2 kinds of cancer.
> 
> ...


I can think of no greater show of love for your children than the life you are living and, at some point in time, they will know and be humbled.

To sacrifice oneself for another is not weak nor miserable but rather takes a strength that very few humans possess. You have a strength of character that is very rare in our world.

Is there really a choice whether to stay or go? Or has your love for your children chosen for you? They will one day know how deep that love is and I do not believe that weak nor miserable will be used to describe it.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

NoChoice said:


> I can think of no greater show of love for your children than the life you are living and, at some point in time, they will know and be humbled.
> 
> To sacrifice oneself for another is not weak nor miserable but rather takes a strength that very few humans possess. You have a strength of character that is very rare in our world.
> 
> Is there really a choice whether to stay or go? Or has your love for your children chosen for you? They will one day know how deep that love is and I do not believe that weak nor miserable will be used to describe it.


I love this reply....so very true. Hugs!!!!


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

There are ALWAYS more choices in life. I confess that if we didn't have children divorce would still be hard. We've been together all our adult lives (we met a couple of days after my 21st birthday) & most of that history has been fantastic BUT I've been emotionally abused & treated with contempt.

We live in the USA but come from England. We moved for my H's career so I'm very isolated from family & friends. On d-day I realized that I couldn't support myself & my children here. I'm not eligible for any kind of financial support or aid in the USA. I couldn't afford my medical bills!

I'm completely reliant on my H here. I have nowhere to run even if I wanted to. If he dumped me when my kids are older living their own lives I could be faced with having to return home leaving them here. I couldn't & won't survive that!!

We are all moving back to England as a family. My parents are in their late 70's. I want my children to know true family. My only sibling, my big brother committed suicide following his wife's adultery. Although I don't really have a 'safe haven' in England I will get disability & child allowance. 

I'm rambling! To answer your questions, after much deliberation if I didn't have my babies I would of been on a plane long ago. I would divorce. Care for my parents. Socialize with my friends. Live my life for me without the pain & humiliation of being called a "burden cripple" after 25 years of the critical mistake of making huge life changing decisions for my H with no consideration of my needs.

Many women become SAHM's. Sacrificing their careers. Moving to support their husbands. Believing in marriage & family. No-one considers their health at a young age. I'm a walking (hobbling) cautionary tale!! No matter how well you cope & push through pain, "In sickness & in health" are only words until it happens.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

Thank you more than you know 'No Choice'. That was beautiful & so very much needed. The comfort of strangers is an amazing thing.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BrokenLady said:


> My H started a passionate, intense EA whilst I was recovering from life saving surgery. His OW was his mistress from 12 years ago. Both times he turned into an emotionally abusive bum hole to me.
> 
> I have a degenerative spine (not disc, spine) so I do & will live with chronic pain for the rest of my life. I've found many 'tricks' to live a fulfilling life but a 'normal' job, my past career, is now impossible. Shortly after d-day I was diagnosed with 2 kinds of cancer.
> 
> ...


No. No he isn't. He is a dreadful husband and an absolutely rubbish dad.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

BrokenLady, have you even visited a lawyer yet?

What about a psychologist?


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

....but little ones are easy! You just have to be there & have a lap & read the occasional story & a cuddle. I'm not much more complex to be honest!!


I know many people who later discovered that one of their parents was in reality appalling but they recall their childhoods as lovely. 

I have friends who have been so damaged by their Dads leaving & spending all of their time on other women. My childhood friends step Mum is dying of cancer (weeks left) & she's feeling so torn. 

Her father was never there for her growing-up but now he's going to be alone & mourning. She's dearly wants to help but feels like they're strangers & she's intruding. It's horrible.

Illusions can build stronger more stable little people than cold, dark reality. 

I don't know what I'm talking about really. My Dad had a horrid childhood. His Dad died when he was 4. He's lived his life for my Mum & me & my brother. Sometimes I fear that I wasn't prepared for the modern world. I thought that love was enough.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

Turnera. 

I'm not divorcing. 

I have a chronic pain specialist. Mostly she deals with all the little 'tricks' to live a completely normal life & controlling my brain over my nerve messages but she's a qualified psychiatrist & we deal with everything. "Mind over matter" allows me to thrive. Pain management is a very complicated thing. 

A marriage specialist won't know how chronic pain effects everything. 
Know what I mean? Do you disagree? (Please explain)

My H won't go to therapy of any kind.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BrokenLady said:


> Turnera.
> 
> I'm not divorcing.
> 
> ...


A psychologist can also help with issues other than marriage guidance.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

Do psychologists deal with things that psychiatrists don't? I have anxiety medications but my pain doc prescribes all of my medications (even if I just have the flu)...its safest that way. I discuss my marriage & my 'issues' (loss of faith, trust, selfesteem etc) with my pain shrink.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My son was around 12 when DD1 occurred. I considered divorce but didn't want to break up my family so I stayed. I didn't tell my son. Then DD2 occurred 30 years later with the same OW and I finally told my son I had had enough and was getting out. He said he knew something wasn't right during those years and he wished I had gotten out then instead of waiting so late in life (and he was very much opposed to my getting out in my 60's). I didn't fool him into thinking that all was well 30-something years ago although I really thought I was. And I wasted those three decades that can't be gotten back. 

Under *normal* circumstances, and based on my experience (and also that of my mother -- who did the same thing for me), I don't believe in staying in a marriage for the children. Some circumstances, of course, aren't normal and there's little choice except to stay but it's obviously not a good way to live your life.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

BrokenLady said:


> Turnera.
> 
> I'm not divorcing.
> 
> ...


First, I am not telling you to divorce. I'm telling you to see a lawyer so that you know EXACTLY what your options are. Just KNOWING that you have the ability to leave him and be financially taken care of will create a HUGE shift in your mindset.

Second, I didn't ask about a psychologist for your husband. I asked about a psychologist for YOU. It's YOU who needs to see one. And no, your pain specialist doesn't count. You need a dependable, therapeutic counselor whose sole job is to pick you up, show you options to improve your life, give you ideas on how to be happier, and help you wake up each day with hope.

NONE of this requires ANYTHING from your H. It's all about you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Openminded said:


> My son was around 12 when DD1 occurred. I considered divorce but didn't want to break up my family so I stayed. I didn't tell my son. Then DD2 occurred 30 years later with the same OW and I finally told my son I had had enough and was getting out. He said he knew something wasn't right during those years and he wished I had gotten out then instead of waiting so late in life (and he was very much opposed to my getting out in my 60's). I didn't fool him into thinking that all was well 30-something years ago although I really thought I was. And I wasted those three decades that can't be gotten back.
> 
> Under *normal* circumstances, and based on my experience (and also that of my mother -- who did the same thing for me), I don't believe in staying in a marriage for the children. Some circumstances, of course, aren't normal and there's little choice except to stay but it's obviously not a good way to live your life.


I'm married to a toxic man who loves me dearly but causes great distress in my life, and the life of our DD25. I stayed because I was too weak to leave, and to spare DD the stress of a divorce. 

She has often told me she wished I would have left. She inherited my weakness and inability to stand up to him, because she never saw anything else as a role model.

Just a thought. Your kids will BECOME one of you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's a hard life, T. We both know. 

My mother stayed for me (only child). I stayed for my son (only child). He stayed in his marriage for 15 years and would have never left despite his wife being a world-class nightmare (thankfully she divorced him). 

It's truly a very hard life.


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## ThirstyBoots (Jul 11, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Did they bother to get you into counselling and therapy?
> 
> If not, theraphy -what they call Talking Therapy- might be of benefit to you, even at this stage.
> 
> ...


No therapy. 

But of course I looked up to my parents like semi-gods. And really the same for them. High hopes for me but I blame them now for certain stuff. For instance, love is so dirty sometimes. I've learned from them love may be an illusion. Time kills. The best of us go down. I know the details and facts of the affair. Maybe I should be thankful to learn such real life insights from my loved ones. 

They did marry soon enough. But we were family almost immediately, at least within a year after the blowout. I was docile and accepted it. Is that weird? But yes it did suck a lot. More like the pedestal I built for ethics and honorability came crashing down. I meant to say later. I was promiscuous and I still am. I've cheated myself. I don't believe in true love, I believe in attraction and biologic functions. I don't trust love and I don't believe in marriage. I have always have been molded by others and especially by my parents. So I do think the affair had an effect on me. A weird creepy one, probably bad. I, I, I, I, I. I usually don't write like this. Maybe it's the sociopathic gene coming out. The big question is: SHOULD I BLAME THEM? Nah, I should be better than that. I'm not a little... oh **** me


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

My aim for my life is not to become my parents and not to create f***ed up kids. 

My parent's marriage was TOXIC. My mother was nuts, unstable, had numerous affairs and drank a lot. My father who was a very intelligent man, spent time hiding in his world. Pursuing his passion and to hell with everyone else. He did not care what happen to us. So, we spent our lives with a mad woman while he was out looking for the truth and God.

What I did not know is the man I adored and worshipped was just as bad as the mad woman. He just hid it better. His affairs would not be found out until years later. His behavior only saw the light of day when my mother could not take it anymore and killed her self. Then, I saw who he was and the poison that he was. 

For years he ignored his wife and kids. My mother always said he was unfaithful but he called her mad. It was all in her head. While she went crazy with all of her insecurities. 

Now, I understand my mother. After all these years of blaming her and hating her. I finally understand. She was not mad. She was lonely. She was filled with doubts and insecurities. She had no one to believe in her and that she could turn to. Because no one believed her. Her H never gave her love and affection. He was too busy finding himself. He was too needy when he was around. She was always trying to get him to notice her. So, she picked fights and screamed and act the crazy woman. 

I now understand that her need to feel love and security had driven her to other men. She was just too lonely. Maybe, she hated herself and that is what she took out on us. When things did not go according to her wishes, she took it out on us. There was no one to shield us from her.

I am not making excuses for her nor am I saying what she did was right. It's just what life was like.

As kids, we had no-one to protect us. I tried to protect my younger siblings, some of our relatives knew what was going on. But they just pitied us and talk among themselves. Since, I was the eldest, it gave an older cousin the opportunity to molest me and he never had to worry that I would be able to tell anyone. So messed up parents gave a pedophile access to me. 

I have no contact with my father. He told me the day I buried my mother, that I was the cause she killed herself. Because I had told my mother off a few months before. You should have seen the look in his eyes when he told me this. I have never seen such hate or venom in someone's eyes before and I hope never to again. 

I try to be present in my marriage and my role as a mother. I know first hand how as parents we can mess up our kids. We think that they don't understand what is going in our marriages but they are sponges. Soaking up all that energy that we give out in our relationships. 

It took me years to find myself and thanks to my younger uncle and grandmother to be able to feel safe. It took even longer to accept love and to trust it. I always thought that I could not hold onto happinesses because it just means that something bad is about to happen. Thank God for a supportive husband and for my Grandmother and my Uncle for teaching me to love and be loved.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BrokenLady said:


> Do psychologists deal with things that psychiatrists don't? I have anxiety medications but my pain doc prescribes all of my medications (even if I just have the flu)...its safest that way. I discuss my marriage & my 'issues' (loss of faith, trust, selfesteem etc) with my pain shrink.


Psychologists offer Talk Theraphy and the like.

They aren't allowed to prescribe medication, which psychiatrists can, as they are also MDs.


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