# 15 yr marriage, husband had an affair.



## Amandaperry15 (Sep 24, 2018)

Hello everyone. I found this site after searching for a group that I could talk to who would understand what I was going through. I recently found out my husband of 15 years had an affair while on deployment and the woman claims she is pregnant. She never showed proof, even after I asked for it. She’s supposedly had an abortion now. My husband first wanted to leave me and our 2 daughters, ages 13 and 11, for this woman and their “child”. A week later, he calls me back crying saying that he wants to come home. He’s never done anything like this. We are a very church going family, and he was so into his Catholic faith that he was darn near priestly! This affair came out of nowhere and shocked me to my core. I would have rather had a family member die than to hear what he told me. It’s been a month and some change since this revelation. He wants to work on our marriage, but I don’t know if I can get past this. She was a younger woman and that has really messed with my brain. I feel like every time he’s quiet, he’s thinking of her, or every love song on the radio, he’s thinking of her. I do love him, but I just don’t know if I can ever trust him again. Please help!! Has anyone went through a similar situation?


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

I'm so sorry. You sound absolutely crushed. Take whatever time you need to decide what you want to do.

How awful, there have been a couple deployment storys lately.

You will hear from some good souls who have been through this, I hope you can get some of the comfort and guidance you need here.

Regards.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Amanda, I am so sorry you are here, it is one of the most painful things you can go through so don't be in a hurry to reconcile. You have to be really sure you want to, the ball is in your court, whether you decide to give him the gift of reconciliation or not. It is not his choice and it is irrelevant what he wants. Remember he lost the right to make those decisions for your marriage when he slept with someone else and got them pregnant.

1. I would suggest you put space between you and your WH so that you don't have to deal with him and you can think through things.
2. You have to allow yourself to grieve, this will take time. The old marriage is dead. If you reconcile you both have to build a new marriage and that can be a long and painful process
3. Ask him to provide a timeline of the affair, has he told you everything, has he been honest, open with everything?
4. He must give you full and complete access to his phone, pc, social media accounts, email etc.
He must also go completely "No contact" with her and write a no contact letter.
5. Get a IC for yourself to talk through your feelings
6. Ask a sibling or friend to be there for you, tell them what happened.
7. Tell your family, his family and friends about his affair including your church friends. Do not hide this affair or cover for him. Exposure always, shine the light in on what he did. Affairs thrive in darkness. Exposure also keeps WH accountable. It is not your burden or shame to bear, remember that.
8. None of the above means you want to reconcile, simply tell WH, you need all of this BEFORE you will even consider reconciliation.

Then take it from there.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Did OW know he was married? How long did affair last? How did you find out? Why does he now think he wants to change his mind? Have y'all been checked for STDs?

So, so sorry. Actually, a family member did die--your husband as you knew him.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I am so sorry for your pain. 

How far out are you, meaning how long ago did you find out? 

I have to let you know that even though it doesn't feel like it you WILL get through this and find joy again. 

Have you had any counseling? 

This is NOT your fault. 

Maybe you should see a lawyer and know your rights. 

As it stands now what has you husband done to fix himself? He is very broken and without work he is not safe for you. 

Also don't assume he has never done this before, cheaters are liars and very good at it too. Do some investigation. 

Who have you told? Tell your priest and maybe his parents. He needs consequences and people to keep him on the straight and narrow. 

Don't be too quick to just let him back in, its a very hard road to go down especially when he doesn't even get the magnitude of what he has done. You can have a great and even better life without him after what he has done now.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know exactly how you feel, as my story is similar to yours, just change a few details.

Don't get desperate, and don't change your life drastically right now. Let your husband do the changing. You will find your way, and it will need to be on your terms.

A good book to read right now is called "After the Affair." It will help you see some things clearly, and will help you know what to expect in the near future.

Keep posting here. Don't confuse forgiveness with not holding someone accountable. Your husband has a huge mountain to overcome in order to earn your trust and respect back. It will take years, yes, years...if ever.

He did a stupid and selfish thing that he regrets and can't take back. The damage done by him is real, and cannot be undone. It must now be dealt with. You will need time to process, and rebuild what he has destroyed. He has destroyed a part of you. You will need to find and rebuild that part. He can't do that, you will have to do it.

He is a guest in your heart. He doesn't "deserve" it, and he failed to cherish it. Maybe you will let him back in someday, maybe not. Time will tell.

You will survive, and you will thrive. It will hurt and take time, but you will make it.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

He will have to be 100% transparent with you. If you want to know the names of all the songs that remind him of her, then he has to tell you. You will need to ask many questions, and sometimes the same ones over and over, and it is his responsibility to answer them 100 times if that is what you need in order to trust that he is telling the truth.

Don't avoid difficult conversations, and don't stuff your feelings. If he is quiet, and you are worried that he is thinking about her during those times, ask him. Tell him that he needs to be brutally honest with you, because even though the truth might hurt you, the truth is the only thing that is going to rebuild what he destroyed.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Deployment? Is he military?


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