# I am at a loss



## TheDeliverer (Dec 21, 2021)

She had our second child about 7 months ago. I have talked to her and looked for her and yet have gotten rejected. When I have mentioned anything about sex she rolls her eyes. On multiple times I have suggested to have fun in the bedroom;the number of excuses why she doesn't want to...it is really frustrating. The thought of looking elsewhere has not crossed my mind. Simple fact is, if I betray her, I betray my children. I don't think I could live with that over my head.
Even if that was an option, I couldn't do it because the amount of vaccinated women out there...the cesspool of HIV infected women; I'm cool.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Is she breast-feeding?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Was she the same after the first child? Is your sex life always been like this?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

have you made it clear to her that you do not want her to get pregnant again, and helped her to get the proper birth control to insure pregnancy will not happen.
maybe she just had too much pain and inconvenience with birthing her 2nd child, and anything that risks a 3rd pregnancy is abhorrent to her right now?


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## TheDeliverer (Dec 21, 2021)

AGoodFlogging said:


> Is she breast-feeding?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Okay, so here is a bit of science:

When women are breast feeding they produce the hormone prolactin which stimulates milk production. It also inhibits production of oestrogen, the female sex hormone. Breast feeding women are also found to have lower testosterone levels than non-breast feeding women. This all results in a natural reduction in libido (the desire for sex). It is believed that this is a natural form of "birth control" so that breast feeding women can focus their energy on their new born rather than on another pregnancy.

So, your wife's lack of interest in sex right now can be a result of natural hormonal changes. I suggest you look for alternative ways to share intimacy with her and be as supportive as you can in looking after her and the baby (as well as your older child). You need to be a safe support right now and the sexual intimacy will return.

Of course, if the problem persists long after breast feeding has ended then you need to take that seriously and communicate with her about the issue directly.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

AGoodFlogging said:


> Okay, so here is a bit of science:
> 
> When women are breast feeding they produce the hormone prolactin which stimulates milk production. It also inhibits production of oestrogen, the female sex hormone. Breast feeding women are also found to have lower testosterone levels than non-breast feeding women. This all results in a natural reduction in libido (the desire for sex). It is believed that this is a natural form of "birth control" so that breast feeding women can focus their energy on their new born rather than on another pregnancy.
> 
> ...


The reality is 7 months is too long unless she's continuing to see a dr because of unending medical issues. 

If you don't state clearly, and just once, so there's no chance of misunderstanding that there should be some bedroom time, there are other problems than the baby. That's real life.

Say it once, say it clearly.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> The reality is 7 months is too long unless she's continuing to see a dr because of unending medical issues.


This is not true. The impact of prolactin will persist for as long as breast feeding is occuring. The impact on libido is highly individual.

Your advice is poor. Issuing ultimatums about sex to a breast-feeding mother of two with a 7 month old is crappy behaviour and likely to destroy trust.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

AGoodFlogging said:


> This is not true. The impact of prolactin will persist for as long as breast feeding is occuring. The impact on libido is highly individual.
> 
> Your advice is poor. Issuing ultimatums about sex to a breast-feeding mother of two with a 7 month old is crappy behaviour and likely to destroy trust.


Let's say we disagree. Your advice on reinforcing its perfectly fine for continued lack of all sexual intimacy in a M beyond 6 months is damaging to the health of the marriage. 

But you'd also probably say if the W extends this for a year the H should suck it up, say thank you, and feel bad about himself for even bringing sex up, oh, the horror!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

AGoodFlogging said:


> This is not true. The impact of prolactin will persist for as long as breast feeding is occuring. The impact on libido is highly individual.
> 
> Your advice is poor. Issuing ultimatums about sex to a breast-feeding mother of two with a 7 month old is crappy behaviour and likely to destroy trust.


Yeah, I broke my wrist once, and the continued presence of pain for a year made it ok to tell the W no sex until all is perfect again, no sexual intimacy of any kind dear, suck it up, it's all about me, and, and, and....

Not. There was still lovin', because I also cared about her wants and desires.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


TheDeliverer said:



On multiple times I have suggested to have fun in the bedroom;the number of excuses why she doesn't want to...it is really frustrating.

Click to expand...

*Ugh.

At this point in her life, you're just* another* one yanking on her skirt because you need something from her. 

She's supposed to be a nanny, a wet nurse, a daycare for 2 very young children, a housecleaner, chief cook and bottle washer, laundress, household scheduler, menu preparer, food shopper, bill payer, continual picker-upper of toys and messes, and everything else too numerous to list here. 

PLUS, she's supposed to *also* find time to make sure Mr. Wonderful isn't "neglected." And while doing that, she's to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, AND she must be panting with *lust* on top of it.

I'm curious, though. Who the hell is doing anything for Super Woman while she's busy catering to YOU all, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? 

I'm guessing NO ONE.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

something is not right here... why is she rolling her eyes at the mention of sex?


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Ugh.
> 
> At this point in her life, you're just* another* one yanking on her skirt because you need something from her.
> 
> ...


I'd love to know in what household this is actually even close to being true? My youngest daughter is 5 and I'm 51 and NOTHING you have described has ever transpired in my household or in the households of ANY of my friends.

Painting the woman as having to be a super being while the man sits around being demanding of time, service and passion is simply skewing reality to fit a feminist narrative. Men share in the responsibilities of child rearing and in a functioning household, both partners support one another to get things done.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Yeah, I broke my wrist once, and the continued presence of pain for a year made it ok to tell the W no sex until all is perfect again, no sexual intimacy of any kind dear, suck it up, it's all about me, and, and, and....
> 
> Not. There was still lovin', because I also cared about her wants and desires.


Not even remotely the same as breastfeeding and caring for a small infant and the hormonal changes that are part of that and their known impact on sexual desire.

God, I despair about my fellow men sometimes.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Dictum Veritas said:


> I'd love to know in what household this is actually even close to being true? My youngest daughter is 5 and I'm 51 and NOTHING you have described has ever transpired in my household or in the households of ANY of my friends.
> 
> Painting the woman as having to be a super being while the man sits around being demanding of time, service and passion is simply skewing reality to fit a feminist narrative. Men share in the responsibilities of child rearing and in a functioning household, both partners support one another to get things done.


They should but many don't. There are still men having children today who have never changed a dirty nappy (diaper). The idea that we should protect men that can't even do the basics because of some reaction against "a feminist agenda" is pretty poor.

Extrapolating from your personal experience and the likely highly biased narratives from a few friends is not a substitute for systematic research that shows that household and childcare labour in the western world is still not equally divided between men and women. I mean I'm glad that you think you have an equal partnership, I'd be interested to know your wife's thoughts on that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TheDeliverer said:


> She had our second child about 7 months ago. I have talked to her and looked for her and yet have gotten rejected. When I have mentioned anything about sex she rolls her eyes. On multiple times I have suggested to have fun in the bedroom;the number of excuses why she doesn't want to...it is really frustrating. The thought of looking elsewhere has not crossed my mind. Simple fact is, if I betray her, I betray my children. I don't think I could live with that over my head.
> Even if that was an option, *I couldn't do it because the amount of vaccinated women out there*...the cesspool of HIV infected women; I'm cool.


What on earth has the vaccine status of women got to do with anything? 🤣

Maybe your wife is too knackered for sex?

How old is your other child?

Give your wife non-sexual massages, foot rubs, etc. How about treating her like the woman who just bore your child?


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

She sounds tired, and that she doesn't have the time to have fun in bed.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Was she the same after the first child? Is your sex life always been like this?


I think this is the question that needs to be answered. Right now everyone is going to pile on this guy, but if she doesn't have geniune desire for him then 7 months will likely turn into 1 year, then 2.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Al_Bundy said:


> I think this is the question that needs to be answered. Right now everyone is going to pile on this guy, but if she doesn't have geniune desire for him then 7 months will likely turn into 1 year, then 2.


Im not piling on the OP, just saying it's what she sounds like. If OP can answer the question, then we can help accordingly.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Al_Bundy said:


> I think this is the question that needs to be answered. Right now everyone is going to pile on this guy, but if she doesn't have geniune desire for him then 7 months will likely turn into 1 year, then 2.


Well, I've provided a perfectly logical biologic explanation as why she isn't interested in sex right now. Not sure why people are so keen to ignore that and push the idea that she is either actively refusing sex or has permanently lost desire for him.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

She can’t give a hand job or oral homage?


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

AGoodFlogging said:


> Well, I've provided a perfectly logical biologic explanation as why she isn't interested in sex right now. Not sure why people are so keen to ignore that and push the idea that she is either actively refusing sex or has permanently lost desire for him.


I don't even disagree with the piling on. All he said was, wife has an infant and isn't horny. Second child, meaning he's done this before. But he didn't provide us with a baseline. So he's going to get possibilities ranging from hormones to she's repulsed by the sight of his face.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Al_Bundy said:


> I don't even disagree with the piling on. All he said was, wife has an infant and isn't horny. Second child, meaning he's done this before. But he didn't provide us with a baseline. So he's going to get possibilities ranging from hormones to she's repulsed by the sight of his face.


Very true!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Ugh.
> 
> At this point in her life, you're just* another* one yanking on her skirt because you need something from her.
> 
> ...


I'm betting he is. H sounds like he's a solid partner, and shoulders his share. And the family has the benefit of the W being a SAHM. No, don't say I believe her being a SAHM solves all things but it is a perk for the whole family for her to not work right now outside the home.

You can bet he isn't. Nothing is indicating he isn't being a helpful father and H.

It's like you're saying the W isn't a capable person, that to have two children is just too much for her, she's incompetent.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

AGoodFlogging said:


> Well, I've provided a perfectly logical biologic explanation as why she isn't interested in sex right now. Not sure why people are so keen to ignore that and push the idea that she is either actively refusing sex or has permanently lost desire for him.


And there's a biological reason the H would like to be intimate with his W. 

H has stated she comes up with varying reasons to not to have sex, in his post.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

AGoodFlogging said:


> Not even remotely the same as breastfeeding and caring for a small infant and the hormonal changes that are part of that and their known impact on sexual desire.
> 
> God, I despair about my fellow men sometimes.


Rolling my eyes on this. 🙄🙄


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Whether logical reasons for her behavior are provided on this forum or not, _she_ is not providing such reasons to her spouse, she is making up excuses.

This is a very damaging behavior to a relationship.

She needs to communicate why she feels the way she does, acknowledge what she has been doing (making excuses and not having a real discussion about what is happening) is not healthy for the relationship, and talk to her spouse about the situation like an adult. Maybe she needs a few more months, maybe she thinks its permanent, who knows until she voices her actual feelings.

I'm not sure why posters on here think its justified for one spouse to change and control a significant aspect of the relationship dynamic without even discussing it with the other partner.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

AGoodFlogging said:


> They should but many don't. There are still men having children today who have never changed a dirty nappy (diaper). The idea that we should protect men that can't even do the basics because of some reaction against "a feminist agenda" is pretty poor.
> 
> Extrapolating from your personal experience and the likely highly biased narratives from a few friends is not a substitute for systematic research that shows that household and childcare labour in the western world is still not equally divided between men and women. I mean I'm glad that you think you have an equal partnership, I'd be interested to know your wife's thoughts on that.


You extrapolating that this H is a deadbeat dad and H is worse. 

Yes, my W would say I did all right as I say about her. Two kids, grandkids, the big C, other crap, and 38yrs M still going strong.

Things aren't always still stuck in the 50s as you are implying.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Ugh.
> 
> At this point in her life, you're just* another* one yanking on her skirt because you need something from her.
> 
> ...


I have to ask, why are you referring to the W as *Superwoman*?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

TheDeliverer said:


> The thought of looking elsewhere has not crossed my mind.


So you don't want to have an extramarital affair! OK, fair enough. You can still have an intermarital affair, or are you just too lazy to do all the work by yourself? 

I challenge you to give yourself a hands free orgasm while laying in bed alone and completely relaxed. What? How do you does somebody even do that? ...well it involves some effort. You will need to study up on ways to do it. Create a budget for a few supplies or be crafty with what you have available. Be creative and have fun. 

I'll even give you a tip. Go to your neighborhood drugstore and look for one of those "shiatsu neck massager." Give it to your wife as a thoughtful Christmas gift. Just don't tell her what you plan to do with it once you are alone! That is a win win! Your wife is happy and so are you! If you leave it out one day, she will not suspect a thing and you can say that it makes a great neck massager! 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

badsanta said:


> So you don't want to have an extramarital affair! OK, fair enough. You can still have an intermarital affair, or are you just too lazy to do all the work by yourself?
> 
> I challenge you to give yourself a hands free orgasm while laying in bed alone and completely relaxed. What? How do you does somebody even do that? ...well it involves some effort. You will need to study up on ways to do it. Create a budget for a few supplies or be crafty with what you have available. Be creative and have fun.
> 
> ...


I was looking at all those different massagers advertised on TV by Smarter Image as pounding, kneading, different heads, strokes, etc in exercise muscle recovery aids, and I'm thinking huh, I might have to get one or so.

You know, couples massage ? 😉😉


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

TheDeliverer said:


> Even if that was an option, I couldn't do it because the amount of vaccinated women out there...the cesspool of HIV infected women; I'm cool.


Yeah, stay away from vaccinated women… they’ll steal your mRNA.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> What on earth has the vaccine status of women got to do with anything? 🤣
> 
> Maybe your wife is too knackered for sex?
> 
> ...


Just bore his child, really? That was seven months ago. Not like she gave birth last week.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

AGoodFlogging said:


> This is not true. The impact of prolactin will persist for as long as breast feeding is occuring. The impact on libido is highly individual.
> 
> Your advice is poor. Issuing ultimatums about sex to a breast-feeding mother of two with a 7 month old is crappy behaviour and likely to destroy trust.


He was saying going that long without sex is going to damage the marriage and he is right.

I love learning and your post gave me information I didn't have before. My wife was fairly insatiable as soon as she healed up and that was rapid. Breastfeeding didn't slow her down at all so I wouldn't have known it was different for others.

OP should have the information you shared but it also can't be an excuse to destroy the marriage through sexual neglect.

Rejecting a spouse and playing down their sexual and intimacy needs is a tried and true method for destroying marriages and families.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

ConanHub said:


> Rejecting a spouse and playing down their sexual and intimacy needs is a tried and true method for destroying marriages and families.


This could be the best and most concise thing I have read here in a long time. Well said.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I was looking at all those different massagers advertised on TV by Smarter Image as pounding, kneading, different heads, strokes, etc in exercise muscle recovery aids, and I'm thinking huh, I might have to get one or so.
> 
> You know, couples massage ? 😉😉


Solo sexual exploration in the context of marriage just after having kids is a difficult topic to manage. If the OP is in that situation he likely feels neglected and frustrated and turns to porn as an escape. The wife finds out and gets upset as if having been betrayed. It all goes downhill. 

The idea of how to be covertly overt about it can actually be fun. I can be sitting in right out in my living room grabbing a woman's breasts while my wife is making me a sandwich in the kitchen. When my wife sees me doing this, she thinks I am playing a virtual reality game with my Oculus and using my hands to fly a fighter jet. Meanwhile she hates VR because it gives her motion sickness and we have very different IPDs, so it is not like she can easily grab my headset and see what I am doing. She also doesn't understand how the guardian in VR works, so if she stands outside of it, she can only see passthrough reality anyway. 

The OP is missing out!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> He was saying going that long without sex is going to damage the marriage and he is right.
> 
> I love learning and your post gave me information I didn't have before. My wife was fairly insatiable as soon as she healed up and that was rapid. Breastfeeding didn't slow her down at all so I wouldn't have known it was different for others.
> 
> ...


Very succinct, to the point. Really there's nothing to improve on this response. Kudos to @ConanHub


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Longtime Hubby said:


> She can’t give a hand job or oral homage?


My general thoughts are if a woman isn't interested in sex, those are also seen as sex and she isn't going to be into those either.

Now I know 28 people are going to jump in and say the get\give BJs in place of intercourse all the time. Which is great. I just don't see that happening in many situations.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

re16 said:


> Whether logical reasons for her behavior are provided on this forum or not, _she_ is not providing such reasons to her spouse, she is making up excuses.
> 
> This is a very damaging behavior to a relationship.
> 
> ...


I doubt she knows about prolactin and its impacts on libido though... Sadly often not mentioned by doctors or midwives.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> He was saying going that long without sex is going to damage the marriage and he is right.
> 
> I love learning and your post gave me information I didn't have before. My wife was fairly insatiable as soon as she healed up and that was rapid. Breastfeeding didn't slow her down at all so I wouldn't have known it was different for others.
> 
> ...


The plural of anecdote is not data.

As I said previously the impact on libido varies between individuals. Many, many women report depressed libido during breastfeeding. There are plenty of studies.

The post you quote was my response to the advice that OP issues an ultimatum about sex to his breastfeeding wife. Do you think that is a good idea?


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Rolling my eyes on this. 🙄🙄


Roll away my friend. I'm not the one claiming that my hurt wrist is the same as the hormonal changes during breastfeeding that lower libido. 🤣🤣🤣


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Just bore his child, really? That was seven months ago. Not like she gave birth last week.


Is 1 week all you give for recovery then?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

AGoodFlogging said:


> Is 1 week all you give for recovery then?


Why do you say that 😮?


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Why do you say that 😮?


I don't know, maybe you can read your own post and figure it out for us all. Or perhaps just leave out the sealioning thanks.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

AGoodFlogging said:


> I don't know, maybe you can read your own post and figure it out for us all.


Absolutely.

Here was my reply: "


> expand...


Just bore his child, really? That was seven months ago. Not like she gave birth last week."

Which shows the *difference* *between* *one week* and *seven months.*

How in the world did you leap to the thought that this means I believe _*just one week*_ is the max needed?

Truly, I want to know. Because in no way no how in the English language could that be construed as therefore I really think only one week is necessary.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

AGoodFlogging said:


> The plural of anecdote is not data.
> 
> As I said previously the impact on libido varies between individuals. Many, many women report depressed libido during breastfeeding. There are plenty of studies.
> 
> The post you quote was my response to the advice that OP issues an ultimatum about sex to his breastfeeding wife. Do you think that is a good idea?


I posted what I thought. The sexual neglect and rejection will absolutely destroy the marriage regardless of breastfeeding.

OP should take things into consideration and have a talk with his wife who is destroying her marriage.

I'm quite certain that, barring severe health problems, the two can work through this unless she is just going to be a ***** about her husband's needs.

He has been far more patient and passive than I would have been.

She does need to understand she is destroying her marriage and if that's not her goal, she needs to adjust her behavior.

There are so many studies on sexual rejection and denying intimacy being a determining factor in failed marriages that I'm hoping you aren't saying it's anecdotal.

I only gave my experience as a reason I didn't know about what you shared and I expressed appreciation for it.
Ultimatums are funny things.

Telling someone that they need to eat or they will die is an ultimatum.

So is telling a spouse that if they don't feed the marriage, it will die.

I'm always surprised at how many are offended by truth.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Absolutely.
> 
> Here was my reply: "
> 
> ...


I asked a question. Did you miss that?

Instead of answering you just asked me a question. At least you've kind of figured it out now.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Ugh.
> 
> At this point in her life, you're just* another* one yanking on her skirt because you need something from her.


Whaaat??? a husband wants to be intimate with his wife and all you can say is he's just another one yanking on her skirt? wtf is that all about? I feel sorry for your husband if that's what you thought about him, and sure glad my wife didn't think like that. We couldn't wait the 6 weeks the doctor said to, heck we made it only 3 weeks.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

AGoodFlogging said:


> I don't know, maybe you can read your own post and figure it out for us all.


You are certainly the only one having comprehension problems here. Might start just speaking for yourself.

If you're up for more, get some ring time.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> I posted what I thought. The sexual neglect and rejection will absolutely destroy the marriage regardless of breastfeeding.
> 
> OP should take things into consideration and have a talk with his wife who is destroying her marriage.
> 
> ...


I think it is amazing that you think that me disagreeing is somehow because I'm offended.

It isn't.

I just believe that issuing an ultimatum in the OP's circumstances will be deeply unproductive and is very bad advice.

Biology is currently working against them and they need to engage in a meaningful dialogue about their situation and their worries and concerns, but in the knowledge that is may well likely improve once OP's wife stops breastfeeding as long as he isn't a **** about it in the meantime.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

TheDeliverer said:


> I couldn't do it because the amount of vaccinated women out there...the cesspool of HIV infected women; I'm cool.


Beware of what it is you write.

It sounds like if more women were vaccinated you would stray.
It sounds like, since some percentage of women have HIV, I won't cheat.

These are reasons, but not the kind that you should be professing.
Such as:

a) It is morally wrong.
b) It would destroy my marriage.
c) It is against my own principles.

Carry on, sermon over.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

AGoodFlogging said:


> I think it is amazing that you think that me disagreeing is somehow because I'm offended.
> 
> It isn't.
> 
> ...


She rolls her eyes at him. 

Any woman who was really into her husband wouldn't do that. She'd have an earnest and open discussion with him. 

The eyerolling is complete ********.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> Beware of what it is you write.
> 
> It sounds like if more women were vaccinated you would stray.
> It sounds like, since some percentage of women have HIV, I won't cheat.
> ...


He says vaccinated women. I think he thinks vaccinated people have cooties.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

AGoodFlogging said:


> I asked a question. Did you miss that?
> 
> Instead of answering you just asked me a question. At least you've kind of figured it out now.


Oh please. You clearly stated that from my earlier reponse i must therefore believe that only one week should be the max recovery time needed. Own it.

Now that's cleared up, I will say personal experience one birth was 3 months, one was four for intercourse because of a bad episiotomy. And we created time for each other for intimacy, sexual and otherwise during the whole time.

And four of my closest friends and their wives had very similar circumstances. We all had kids in the same five years. 

Not all are the same but the key is work through the struggles together and come out closer as H and W.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

AGoodFlogging said:


> I think it is amazing that you think that me disagreeing is somehow because I'm offended.
> 
> It isn't.
> 
> ...


Well, that tears it. @AGoodFlogging used the buzz words grandaddy of all generic replies which is "have a meaningful discussion".

I see resistance is futile.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

AGoodFlogging said:


> I think it is amazing that you think that me disagreeing is somehow because I'm offended.
> 
> It isn't.
> 
> ...


Ok. I believe you are in error regarding the health of their marriage but I appreciated the knowledge about breastfeeding.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Livvie said:


> He says vaccinated women. I think he thinks vaccinated people have cooties.




Could be, also could be a typo.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Dictum Veritas said:


> I'd love to know in what household this is actually even close to being true? My youngest daughter is 5 and I'm 51 and NOTHING you have described has ever transpired in my household or in the households of ANY of my friends.


Mid-50's lady here chiming in. I have three children, all now young adults in their 20's.

My first husband had some bad traits (he cheated on me) but I can't say a bad word about how he took care of the children, the house and me in terms of being there, doing things etc.

He cleaned so many things. He did all the laundry, including the children's. He was doing my laundry for me in college and he continued doing all the laundry throughout our 16 plus years of marriage.

He cleaned all the flooring, he cleaned the showers and tubs, did all the yardwork, garbage etc.

He bathed our children every night. Well, I bathed them as tiny infants, but as soon as they could sit up on their own, he began bathing them.

He put them to bed each night with me, it was a full family affair, dogs and all our children (once we had all 3 I mean).

I nursed all 3 of our children for a year each. He'd go get the baby and bring them into me. He'd burp the baby after nursing on the first side and then he'd put the baby back in the crib after they finished on the 2nd side.

He did many more things too for my elderly parent's who weren't in good health. He'd clean their tubs and showers, vacuum for them, cut their grass etc.

Oh, I was a stay at home mom too and he worked and still did all these things for us.

My older brother was like this, my father was like this, my brother-in-law was like this.

I can't fathom women who are with men who don't help out a lot.

We were both 29, 32 and 34 for the birth of our three children.

I delivered my first child via C-section and we began having 4 weeks after.

The only issue we had with sex after a birth of our children was with my third child. I tore a good bit during that delivery and unbeknownst to me, when they stitched me up, they gave me a "husband" stitch. They didn't tell me what it was, that they were doing it etc.

After 6 months of pain while trying to have sex, I saw my OB-GYN and she told me about the husband stitch. I was ticked off to say the least because something was done to me without my consent. We didn't sue, but I talked with a lawyer about it.

I had to go back in so they could undo that and then after healing sex was back to normal for me, for us.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TheDeliverer said:


> She had our second child about 7 months ago. I have talked to her and looked for her and yet have gotten rejected. When I have mentioned anything about sex she rolls her eyes. On multiple times I have suggested to have fun in the bedroom;the number of excuses why she doesn't want to...it is really frustrating. The thought of looking elsewhere has not crossed my mind. Simple fact is, if I betray her, I betray my children. I don't think I could live with that over my head.
> Even if that was an option, I couldn't do it because the amount of vaccinated women out there...the cesspool of HIV infected women; I'm cool.


The way you describe your wife definitely puts her in a bad light. Rolling eyes at the mention of sex shows how much contempt she has for you.

I'm going to go out on a limb though, I'll bet you are all but 100% to blame for what ever crappy situation you are in and I'm not sure anything you say can be beleived. Your comment about too many vaccinated women and you implying that they are now infected with HIV as a result of vaccination tells me a lot about you. My guess is your wife doesn't want to sleep with an idiot. Anyone that believes such idiocy probably has a lot of other flaws, none of which are attractive.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> Mid-50's lady here chiming in. I have three children, all now young adults in their 20's.
> 
> My first husband had some bad traits (he cheated on me) but I can't say a bad word about how he took care of the children, the house and me in terms of being there, doing things etc.
> 
> ...


A “husband stitch”? Never heard that before. What is it?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Longtime Hubby said:


> A “husband stitch”? Never heard that before. What is it?


It's where they stitch up a woman tighter than she was to begin with in the erroneous belief that it will benefit her sexual partner/s. It's a barbaric and vile practice, yet unfortunately it is still sometimes done.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> The reality is 7 months is too long unless she's continuing to see a dr because of unending medical issues.
> 
> If you don't state clearly, and just once, so there's no chance of misunderstanding that there should be some bedroom time, there are other problems than the baby. That's real life.
> 
> Say it once, say it clearly.


Seven months sound like a great recipe to make a celibate marriage.

And I concur, that @TheDeliverer ought to address this sooner rather than later.



AGoodFlogging said:


> Your advice is poor. Issuing ultimatums about sex to a breast-feeding mother of two with a 7 month old is crappy behaviour and likely to destroy trust.


Actually encouraging the OP to be conflict avoidant, by not address the issue directly and honestly with his wife is likely to destroy trust and left unchecked is also likely to encourage sexual infidelity and or the dissolution of their marriage as well.

At the end of the day if @TheDeliverer's wife refuses to have sex with him for several weeks let alone through a few months or more when actually able, @TheDeliver would do well to address this with her. Otherwise and outside of a satisfactory resolution to this problem, then @TheDeliverer should feel free to start sharing sex with other women, in the face of her refusal. Since no one should feel obliged to afford a sexual partner any sexual fidelity, when that partner unilaterally decides to turn the sex tap off when physically able to share sex.

And on sharing sex while breastfeeding, from experience with three different women. It's certainly isn't difficult, albeit I do concede it can be messy at times when they start to spray everywhere while sharing sex.

That said divorce may be a terrific solution for both of them, since his wife doesn't want to have sex with him. Of which if more people quickly ended their marriages, in the face of being married to spouses who decide to turn the sex tap off, there would be far less sexless marriages in the wild.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

AGoodFlogging said:


> This is not true. The impact of prolactin will persist for as long as breast feeding is occuring. The impact on libido is highly individual.
> 
> Your advice is poor. Issuing ultimatums about sex to a breast-feeding mother of two with a 7 month old is crappy behaviour and likely to destroy trust.


You're making a lot of assumptions here on postpartum hormonal biofeedback just because she's breastfeeding. 

Your point most certainly could apply to the OP's wife or not at all.
It is highly dependent on the individual female, but the big majority of women are starting to get back into the swing of things with their libido as soon as after a couple of months. There are many factors that influence that, such ad how soon is the infant is starting to get semi-solid food and the diminishing by the female in terms of breastfeeding intervals, her own hormones levels, how affected her psych is, how much help is she getting from the husband. The type of relationship with the partner before birth and immediately after, etc., etc., so many variants that could be a play, not just breastfeeding hormonal biofeedback. 

We just can't make assumptions or really give an input to OP because he has given none, (other than she's refusing him, and making gestures on her refusals) for us to really have a say. We must wait to see if OP will come back and explains.

Nonetheless, 7 months of no sex it sure a recipe for damage to the relationship.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> Mid-50's lady here chiming in. I have three children, all now young adults in their 20's.
> 
> My first husband had some bad traits (he cheated on me) but I can't say a bad word about how he took care of the children, the house and me in terms of being there, doing things etc.
> 
> ...


I too was given the husband stitch sex was painful for a year and not pleasurable for 2-3 years. ****ing misogynistic practiced have probably ruined many marriages.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Anastasia6 said:


> I too was given the husband stitch sex was painful for a year and not pleasurable for 2-3 years. ****ing misogynistic practiced have probably ruined many marriages.


That's terrible, I'm sorry that happened to you and your husband as well.

It would seem that my wife (and I) were fortunate, that they didn't do it to her when she tore a little and required 3 stitches because of our second child.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

BigDaddyNY said:


> The way you describe your wife definitely puts her in a bad light. Rolling eyes at the mention of sex shows how much contempt she has for you.
> 
> I'm going to go out on a limb though, I'll bet you are all but 100% to blame for what ever crappy situation you are in and I'm not sure anything you say can be beleived. Your comment about too many vaccinated women and you implying that they are now infected with HIV as a result of vaccination tells me a lot about you. My guess is your wife doesn't want to sleep with an idiot. Anyone that believes such idiocy probably has a lot of other flaws, none of which are attractive.


I guess OP should clear up his comment about vaccinated women because we are just guessing what he meant. However, you are assuming his wife doesn't share the same beliefs he does about the matter and we don't know if that's the case or not.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Livvie said:


> I guess OP should clear up his comment about vaccinated women because we are just guessing what he meant. However, you are assuming his wife doesn't share the same beliefs he does about the matter and we don't know if that's the case or not.


Quite true. His wife may be just as whackadoodle as he is. Regardless, I am not going to put any stock in anything he has to say once he said vaccinated women are a cesspool of HIV carriers. Beside, looks like he was just a drive by anyway.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Personal said:


> It's where they stitch up a woman tighter than she was to begin with in the erroneous belief that it will benefit her sexual partner/s. It's a barbaric and vile practice, yet unfortunately it is still sometimes done.


OMG, crazy


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> OMG, crazy


It is considered malpractice now, thankfully.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Anastasia6 said:


> I too was given the husband stitch sex was painful for a year and not pleasurable for 2-3 years. ****ing misogynistic practiced have probably ruined many marriages.


Are you talking about vaginoplasty, or just stitching up the outside smaller?

I'm appalled medical professionals do this without permission and I'm not in favor of sowing a woman's vagina opening smaller anyway.

I'm a husband and I reject the name of this hideous procedure.

I had no idea this was being done to women without consent in the western world!😳


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> Are you talking about vaginoplasty, or just stitching up the outside smaller?
> 
> I'm appalled medical professionals do this without permission and I'm not in favor of sowing a woman's vagina opening smaller anyway.
> 
> ...


I don't think that it's being done anymore. it would be a catastrophic (medical malpractice) lawsuit these days. But yes, there was a dark period in the medical community were this was done by some doctors without consent during an episiotomy (required or not).


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> Are you talking about vaginoplasty, or just stitching up the outside smaller?
> 
> I'm appalled medical professionals do this without permission and I'm not in favor of sowing a woman's vagina opening smaller anyway.
> 
> ...


Definitely against, although I'd heard about it when folks were talking about having kids in "the old days".


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

We are a thread jacking but the OP is pulling a Waldo so here's a true story.

I knew a couple where the guy was part horse🍆 and the lady decided to get vaginoplasty after her second kid.

She ended up cheating with a more regular sized dude afterward.😳


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

BigDaddyNY said:


> It is considered malpractice now, thankfully.


That would not do anything but make the opening to the vaginal canal, that stretches, a little bit constricted. Does nothing for the length of the canal.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> That would not do anything but make the opening to the vaginal canal, that stretches, a little bit constricted. Does nothing for the length of the canal.


It doesn't matter. It is medical malpractice. It is a procedure with no medical benefit for the patient and is a high risk.for painful sex for the women, that can last for years. It was usually done without informing the women. It is genital mutilation.



Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Definitely against, although I'd heard about it when folks were talking about having kids in "the old days".


It isn't that long ago. I read an article about it being done to a women as recent as 2005. She wasn't even asked, they asked her husband because she was pretty out of it from giving birth


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> _*I have to ask, why are you referring to the W as Superwoman?*_


Yeah, that was written a bit ambiguously, wasn't it?

I was actually referring to women in *general*, but using her situation as the springboard, so to speak.

My last sentence was, _"I'm curious, though. Who the hell is doing anything for Super Woman while she's busy catering to YOU all, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?"_

That's why I said "you all." I meant it collectively to those who are guilty of letting women do all the work. 🙂


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Yeah, that was written a bit ambiguously, wasn't it?
> 
> I was actually referring to women in *general*, but using her situation as the springboard, so to speak.
> 
> ...


I agree with you. 7 months after the birth still no sex and the wife is rolling her eyes when he mentions it. He must have done something terrible. Although, in that case, why is she having another baby with him?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> He must have done something terrible.


The OP hasn't come back to say diddle for you to make such statement. 

He may have, or he may have not done anything. If we are going to speculate here and make assertions why don't you assume that she must have done something that got her to despise her husband as a man now. It could be or not, but we don't know, don't we? Could we wait until facts are given to start on the male bashing.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> We are a thread jacking but the OP is pulling a Waldo so here's a true story.
> 
> I knew a couple where the guy was part horse🍆 and the lady decided to get vaginoplasty after her second kid.
> 
> She ended up cheating with a more regular sized dude afterward.😳


Not vaginoplasty. I simply had some tearing during birth and they stitch it up smaller.

you know the ‘husbands’ worry about it not being tight enough after child birth. So there are doctors that do this thinking it’s good.

I don’t think it’s that old and not that uncommon. It’s also one of those things that I don’t think is talked about. My doctor didn’t tell me or ask me. But she was of Indian descent and the result is exactly as described if you google husband’s stitch. Husband stitch: What is it?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Anastasia6 said:


> Not vaginoplasty. I simply had some tearing during birth and they stitch it up smaller.
> 
> you know the ‘husbands’ worry about it not being tight enough after child birth. So there are doctors that do this thinking it’s good.
> 
> I don’t think it’s that old and not that uncommon. It’s also one of those things that I don’t think is talked about. My doctor didn’t tell me or ask me. But she was of Indian descent and the result is exactly as described if you google husband’s stitch. Husband stitch: What is it?


Unreal. I can't imagine loving husbands being anything but horrified by this.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Rob_1 said:


> The OP hasn't come back to say diddle for you to make such statement.
> 
> He may have, or he may have not done anything. If we are going to speculate here and make assertions why don't you assume that she must have done something that got her to despise her husband as a man now. It could be or not, but we don't know, don't we? Could we wait until facts are given to start on the male bashing.


Calm down, calm down... it was ironic... next time I will put a smiley face...


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> Unreal. I can't imagine loving husbands being anything but horrified by this.


It is horrifying and had I been married to most the men on this board I’d be divorced. I had sex problems (pain) for about a year and some adversion for maybe 2. My husbands love and understanding during this time makes for double sex now. He has shown himself to be a true partner which makes him sexy as hell.

ETA: and if my husband had been only concerned about himself and sex I’d probably have thought about going nuclear. These issues can make or break a marriage in BOTH directions


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Anastasia6 said:


> It is horrifying and had I been married to most the men on this board I’d be divorced. I had sex problems (pain) for about a year and some adversion for maybe 2. My husbands love and understanding during this time makes for double sex now. He has shown himself to be a true partner which makes him sexy as hell.
> 
> ETA: and if my husband had been only concerned about himself and sex I’d probably have thought about going nuclear. These issues can make or break a marriage in BOTH directions


I might have missed it but did OP's wife have this done to her?

I also think you might be unfairly categorizing everyone here, men anyway.

I'm sure you communicated with your husband and didn't just brush him off, disrespect him and roll your eyes when he had sexual needs.

Medical problems aren't in the same category as just blowing your spouse off for extended periods of time.

Mrs. C has had some health issues as we both age and can't physically have as much sex as she use to but she is very sensitive to my needs and initiates a lot more since she knows when she is ready. She also enjoys a considerate husband. I wouldn't put up with just having a bad attitude about it though as that indicates a marriage in trouble anyway.

I am very vocal about sexless marriages and very much against them as being incredibly unhealthy but I'm also very concerned about health in general and I have adjusted to my wife not being able to go at it like a 20 year old in heat.

I don't believe most TAM men would be belligerent with a wife who had herself sexually mutilated by a deranged doctor.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> I might have missed it but did OP's wife have this done to her?
> 
> I also think you might be unfairly categorizing everyone here, men anyway.
> 
> ...


Actually we didn’t know most of the medical stuff and we didn’t communicate that much about sex. 

but the first time we tried after birth I made him stop shortly after start. Didn’t finish him or think about his ‘discomfort’ much at all. But unlike many in this board who indicate from their keyboards, they’d be telling me I have a mouth or hands he was kind and patient. 

And he never got impatient. When I found him mastubating which was unusual for him I offered live girl instead of blowing up.

We did work through it but we weren’t that good at communicating.

no the OP did not have the stitch as far as I can tell. I’ll be honest I got this thread mixed with the menopause conditions with sex. This OP and his wife need to communicate more. Somethings off with his posts. I have a feeling she’s communicated her issue and he doesn’t hear it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Anastasia6 said:


> Actually we didn’t know most of the medical stuff and we didn’t communicate that much about sex.
> 
> but the first time we tried after birth I made him stop shortly after start. Didn’t finish him or think about his ‘discomfort’ much at all. But unlike many in this board who indicate from their keyboards, they’d be telling me I have a mouth or hands he was kind and patient.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the explanation. I would hope more men than not were patient and kind as well as considerate with their wives and likewise for the wives.

I have no issues with medical problems with sex being a hindrance to intimacy.

I have very low tolerance for mental or emotional blocks to intimacy that people refuse to try and remedy.

Knowing my wife is willing and desires me is really the entire issue.


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