# The revelations keep coming!



## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Just an update on my story. I found out my husband had been having an affair and was actually living with another woman, without me knowing at all. I was gobsmacked and reeling but slowly came to realise through therapy I was married to a narcissist.
I consoled myself with the fact that he had always been faithful (as he had said) until now and that even though what he did was devious and disgusting, I could divorce and try and move on.
NOW - I find out that a few months before we got married, whilst he was over in NY working and I was back in the UK arranging our wedding that he cheated on me, even back then 6years ago! He told a friend he was just living the single guy life as he had had two monogomous relationships, wasn't sure about getting married, etc! So he thought it was OK to screw around (one was a flight attendant who he appeared to hook up with quite regularly and others I think he just picked up in bars, one of which he told someone was hot and let him do what he wanted) Wow, talk about another shock. I really married a devious fake man, and had no idea. He could have given me an STD, as he was so drunk half the time, I'm sure he didn't use anything and then he walked down the aisle with me a few months later!
In some ways it makes me realise the last 12 years have been a sham, and that he will always be this way, and it makes it easier to move on and get the heck out of there. But still, I'm again amazed at the depth of his lies and betrayal. I feel such an idiot! I'm sure others out there have had similar experiences, and feel I am only scratching the surface of this whole thing...


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I have read the book "The Narcissist Lover", and it is an eye opener..

The think that they emphasize is to try and realize that they did not do these things to "you"",, that they were doing it to their "supply", So eventually you can know it was not personally against you as a person. You did nothing wrong. they are flawed... ( I know, easier said than done when it hurts so hard)

And your 12 years wasn't a sham, to him it was a "script". 


Now that I've read the book twice, months apart, I do see things differently. 

I am sorry you're going through this.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Someday, you will laugh about this.
For now, I'm glad you found out about it before it went on even longer.
This is not something that just a guy will do. 
I have a guy friend who got put through the wringer with women who would do the same thing. He tells the stories in adventurous ways, but it's clear that at the time, it was more trauma and confusion than adventure.
My ex was leading a double life too, or a triple or quadruple. Narcissists find a way to justify this behavior, they really think they are providing something that a woman needs, and to more than one woman. They think if the woman doesn't know what's going on, it's okay, because they really think they are in a committed relationship with a guy who is working hard for them, etc. 
But underneath we knew something was wrong, and actually, it's a relief to find out it wasn't us, and we can stop jumping through hoops and so forth.
Do get tested for STD's though and square away your financial life. I think you'll find it's much easier living without this relationship. Hopefully the biggest hassle you'll have now is the paperwork for a quick divorce.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Geez B'sM (I couldn't call you BM...that just wouldn't be nice )...you have had quite the revelation. I'm sorry you've had to deal with this stuff and I would definitely take the advice and read the Narcissistic Lovers book. Be strong.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Ordering that book right now.
I am really torn as to whether to tell him I know about all this, but truthfully don't think he'll care. I also want as little to do with him as possible, but I'd love to just send an e-mail saying I know. But then again, that would probably be a source of narcissitic supply to him, and I am no longer providing that!


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Bentley'sMom said:


> Ordering that book right now.
> I am really torn as to whether to tell him I know about all this, but truthfully don't think he'll care. I also want as little to do with him as possible, but I'd love to just send an e-mail saying I know. But then again,* that would probably be a source of narcissitic supply to him, and I am no longer providing that!*



This is very true... even negative attention feeds their supply. I about drained my highlighter marking all the things that "hit home"...


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

OK, I caved, I had to e-mail him about moving his DJ decks (yes he's a 36 year old child) and couldn't resist stating I knew. 
Oh well!


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> I have read the book "The Narcissist Lover", and it is an eye opener..
> 
> The think that they emphasize is to try and realize that they did not do these things to "you"",, that they were doing it to their "supply", So eventually you can know it was not personally against you as a person. You did nothing wrong. they are flawed... ( I know, easier said than done when it hurts so hard)
> 
> ...












Great book!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> Ordering that book right now.
> I am really torn as to whether to tell him I know about all this, but truthfully don't think he'll care. I also want as little to do with him as possible, but I'd love to just send an e-mail saying I know. But then again, that would probably be a source of narcissitic supply to him, and I am no longer providing that!


Oh, he probably will care, very much. At some level he will feel genuinely sorry for what he has done to you. But will he be able to stop from doing it? Perhaps not.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

since you're moving on, the only real harm you have in contacting him about that stuff is to your ability to detach and move on with your life so don't beat yourself up too much and work on your own life and being happy again


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> since you're moving on, the only real harm you have in contacting him about that stuff is to your ability to detach and move on with your life so don't beat yourself up too much and work on your own life and being happy again


:iagree:

Indifference from here onwards is the best medicine.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Yep, except I just feel disgust right now!
A bit annoyed, just got embroiled in an e-mail exchange. 
Last one I hope, detach, indifference and move on......


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> Yep, except I just feel disgust right now!
> A bit annoyed, just got embroiled in an e-mail exchange.
> Last one I hope, detach, indifference and move on......


He should feel disgust, not you! But that's not how he works, is it?:scratchhead:


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I agree with Matt. BM you should also prepare yourself. If he cheated at the beginning of your marriage and now at the end, sorry to say, it's highly probable he was cheating throughout.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

I think you are absolutely correct. Part of the narcissism and he is a master manipulator and liar. It sounds odd, but as painful as it is, and the more disgusting details I find out the easier it is to want to get this divorce over and cut him out of my life as much as possible.


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## frootloop (Dec 20, 2010)

Bentley'sMom said:


> I think you are absolutely correct. Part of the narcissism and he is a master manipulator and liar. It sounds odd, but as painful as it is, and the more disgusting details I find out the easier it is to want to get this divorce over and cut him out of my life as much as possible.


I know EXACTLY what you mean. I caught my ex-wife in bed with another guy, but once I found out there was yet another, and another, it just became crystal clear how disgusting she was.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

the Koine Greek word for revelation is apocalypsis


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

It's gross isn't it. I've been googling STD's all day and worrying.
I can't believe I let him touch me. UGGGGHHH
Never again. I was totally faithful to him for 12 years. 12 YEARS!
But then I respected our relationship. Without sounding big headed I'm also way better looking than him. He's a short, chubby dude.
Much respect to those couples who do reconcile after affairs and cheating, just for me, no never can't do it. Feel like I want to puke...


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

And another big ugh- I am sleeping on the same bed where he slept with who knows how many skanks. I'm buying a new mattress at the first opportunity.
EEEEWWWWW


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You know you could goto the google make a blog site and create a "Stupid emails my serial cheating husband said" blog where you post and comment on the crap he is sending you.

It's anonymous and therapeutic.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Oh Shaggy, that's a great idea, there is so much bs from him it's actually funny. For someone who is 'successful and smart', he's doing and saying some really dumb things. I guess that's all his I'm never wrong personna but I can see through it all now, like a huge veil has been lifted, and he's one ugly sorry creature underneath


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

When you start thinking to yourself how he was a master manipulator for all those years remember what a lowlife moron he is being now.

He wasn't a master manipulator, he was a liar who didn't understand how to be in a marriage with a good person who didn't lie and who loved him.

The problem with such liars is they also expect the other people around them to be just like them. Just as good people expect the good in others, like you did with him, liars just expect everyone else to also be liars like them.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Bentley'sMom said:


> ... but I can see through it all now, like a huge veil has been lifted


Bent,

As a betrayed spouse myself... you are experiencing what "we" describe as Clarity.

Once the "veil" as you say has been lifted, it is amazing how clear you can see someone as they really are. I myself lived for years trying to "figure it out". I tried to fix the issues and problems in my marriage that seemed to be without doubt always mine. 

Don't beat yourself up. Cheaters are masters at blame-shifting and justifying their actions. They do it as a survival means. Once the truth is known, their words, their actions have no power.

Truth is the real strength now.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

You are right RWB, I feel better already, better than I've felt in weeks. I am reading 'Narcissitic Lovers' on my Nook. It's the story of my life with him. It's never been about me, always him and how I viewed him. He's moved on so quickly (after planning his new life for a while, however) because he has a new source of supply and I'm nothing to him, like a broken toy. He has serious issues, but he's only my problem in the sense of the divorce and how he will act. His cheating, his coldness, he's not capable of love or empathy - all about his very serious disorder. His choices were his own but based on a warped reality. I cannot change what he is, but I can deal with how I react and move on. Seriously I don't feel anything much for him now - I'm learning to understand why I put up with his behaviour but it is all about my growth now and I will be so much better not having that toxic relationship in my life.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Are you going to IC at all? This might help you understand and work on why we are selected for these type of people to begin with.. 

It's not so much that we choose them as partners.. it's that "they" choose us, and manipulate us into being what they want in their script.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Yes numb I have two therapists. They are confirming what I had finally worked out for myself before I went to them. My STBXH definitely has NPD plus an alcohol problem. It took me a while to understand I wasn't just justifying his behaviour by thinking to myself maybe he has NPD, and that explians it all. I now know he definitely does, and it helps immensely to move on. His whole family is messed up, his brother has bi polar. I'm still trying to work out which of the parents is to blame, I think both have contributed to their sons disorders in some way. It's sad really. But good that I can remove them from my life within the next year (I hope!)
I'm still struggling a little with why I was blind to his real self, and never thought for a minute he would cheat on me (several times) and abandon me for OW but am slowly realising that's the power of a long term relationship with a narc..they destroy the real you and you are left reeling and picking up their destructive mess. It's definitelty making me stronger, if more jaded!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Look at it this way. You are free to start a new life as a smarter, more experienced adult who now has the background and money to go anywhere in the world, do anything you want to do, and make any dream you've always had come true. I recommend buying a house on an island somewhere.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Turnera, are you a mind reader? I'm just right now looking at places near beaches. I'm looking at the Caribbean, Florida, Long Island, San Francisco. LOL, where should I go?!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Pick the one with the best weather year-round!


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I was going to IC at the beginning when I first found out about his EA's.. then we went to some MC...( not same counselor).

During our MC, I realized he had manipulated and fooled the counselor into believing how remorseful he was, and how quickly he seemed to "get it"... so I quit going after counselor said he was "done" with my H... he had done all he needed to do.. and all the rest of the work for R was on "ME"..... I almost smacked him...

He had agreed H was narcissistic,, yet now he's done? 

And now since separated, and H just giving me so much money each pay, I can't afford to go to my IC right now..

So I am just trying to search and read all I can on making myself stronger.. to understand what all and why my H did what he did to me, so I don't back slide into my H's tactics.

I commend you for getting the help you need.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Numb, counselors usually don't want to deal with narcissists because they will never change, they can't really be helped that much as they have a fundamental problem - a lifelong personality disorder. Plus, he is so perfect and never wrong, why does he need help? Maybe that is why, and the counselor realised YOU needed more help to break free and become yourself again. If, like me you are a bit codependent then breaking away from a narc is difficult, and understanding who you are and what you want is a big journey. YOU will be a better person, your narc husband will never ever be, he's damaged, self absorbed and has created a messsed up fantasy world - you are in the real world and a good person, he is in a f***ed up world of his creation.

Keep reading up on this condition - it really helps, doesn't it?


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

When I'm away from him, I can feel confident in my decision.. it's when I am around him, he knows how to manipulate,, and I have a hard time staying strong...so I definately avoid one on one situations.. I only meet with him around people... 

Until I know I am strong enough to stand my ground.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Numb, just looked up your story, so you are divorcing because husband had ea's. You have to be around him for the kids - yes that makes it that much harder. He also seems to be trying to come back into your life at times - for his old supply. Do stay strong, you do not need a narc in your life, or even just a cheat. Narcs will NEVER change and will repeat the same pattern over and over and a cheater will most likely cheat again. Most narcs are repeat cheaters, as well. 
It's tough, as I know how it feels to want to cling to the once 'special' relationship I had, but it wasn't special, it was a big fat fake lie. You know his manipulative tricks, that's good, if you spot them you can avoid falling for them. I know I fell for them each and every time, now I see them for what they are - and it makes it much easier to deal with. HUGS!!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> Turnera, are you a mind reader? I'm just right now looking at places near beaches. I'm looking at the Caribbean, Florida, Long Island, San Francisco. LOL, where should I go?!


Wales, of course! :smthumbup:

So long as it is near Aberdovey, got the Gulf Stream to warm it up!


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

MattMatt.. no, our kids are older he has his from previous, and mine are from previous.. so we don't have to stay in contact for them.. that helps. 

But until I tell him the final "I want a divorce"... he tries to manipulate me to take him back... that's where I need my strength.. to finally come out and say it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why don't you just file and let him find out when he gets served? He's not your friend any more. You don't owe him anything.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Agreed, he probably never was your friend. A friend doesn't manipulate you. A best friend partner doesn't cheat.
Maybe filing will help you move on, it's a definitive action - one step closer to being free. I bet in a years time we will both be saying - thank goodness he's out of my life! I'm frrrreeeeee!

Matt Matt, I may end up in Wales, who knows?!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Bentley'sMom said:


> Yep, except I just feel disgust right now!
> A bit annoyed, just got embroiled in an e-mail exchange.
> Last one I hope, detach, indifference and move on......


It's really difficult to communicate with someone like this. I know that my ex would mirror my language. I found him using words he would never use, and expressing sentiments and concepts he would never have come up with on his own. It's really creepy to see your words coming back at you that way. They really do listen, and hear, but they use the information to manipulate, putting a carrot here and there, in just the right ratio to keep you on the hook, engaged. 

Here's the funny thing about language mirroring...I gave my ex a book I thought he would enjoy by my favorite author (Haruki Murakami), it was more sci fi than his other works and had some fantastical elements as well as sexual stuff, etc. I inscribed it saying I hoped our worlds would align or something like that. Well, at Christmas I asked for Murakami's new book, 1Q84. I knew nothing about it other than the author. _He inscribed it the same way I had_...our marriage ended shortly after that. I finally started reading it and got about 1/5 of the way in, it's a book about, in part, men who are abusive and a woman who is a hired 'hit-girl' to 'move them into the next world'. :rofl: Not only that, as I was reading yesterday, it started discussing about constructive narrative and the novel 1984 and Big Brother and how our truths are reflected in language, and that it's a crime for someone to use language to manipulate the truth, and to mess with our access to the true story. What a strange and unlikely book for a manipulative abusive narcissist in the thick of his chosen action to give his wife for a Christmas present, inscribed even, saying he hoped our two worlds would join as one. lol. (Yes, they did, and the result was a divorce.) If you've read the book, it would be clear that it has certain properties of tapping into the collective consciousness, so I don't find it too strange or unusual that my favorite author's work ended up intersecting with my life in this particular way at this particular time. 

Actually, I'm involved now with research on how language shapes our cognitive experience. Let me say that engaging in any kind of narrative discourse with a narcissist who uses language as his primary tool is a dangerous undertaking. No communication is the best communication of all.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Wow Homemaker, how long were you together?

I know exactly what you mean, I am so glad I've worked out what he is, otherwise I'd still be playing his game, sad, confused, shellshocked but with the understanding of what I'm dealing with comes some methods to cope and hopefully get through this OK.
Mine is uber smart, as in very bright, high IQ. Though with absolutely no EQ and it is one dangerous mess. He clearly also thinks I am stupid and when I call him out on his lies or errors he still continues with the same s**t. An example - I was getting a 3k refund back on a course as I just couldn't do it with all this going on, and it was refunded onto our joint credit card. He then decided to freeze my card, so I took the money (I'd paid for the course) back from the joint account instead. He accused me of stealing it, and when I pointed out the money had gone back onto the credit card, he said I'd 'laid claim' to that money, too, by buying one dinner and a haircut ($200). I pointed out that he had left me with no money in the joint as he was paying off his personal credit cards from it, so I had to put some on the credit card. There is NO way to win with them. It';s impossible to deal with him, he throws in problems and lies at every turn, lies to his lawyer, twists things. I know I'm going to come across as the crazy one (because I'm trying to protect myself) and it is going to be a horrible rollercoaster. Arggghhhh!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Actually, I'm involved now with research on how language shapes our cognitive experience. Let me say that engaging in any kind of narrative discourse with a narcissist who uses language as his primary tool is a dangerous undertaking. No communication is the best communication of all.


 Homemaker, you may enjoy this article, then. 
An Anthropologist Walks Into A Bar And Asks, 'Why Is This Joke Funny?' : Shots - Health Blog : NPR


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Numb and Homemaker - I have a question.
Did you know you were married to a narcissist all along or did you only discover once he cheated and divorce got started? I had no idea until I started really looking into the depth of his deception and lies. I put it down to 'an affair fog' for many weeks until the penny dropped, I assumed his coldness, gaslighting and lies were what others have described as the fog, until realsing it had to be something much more than that. Just curious....


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Bentley'sMom said:


> Numb and Homemaker - I have a question.
> Did you know you were married to a narcissist all along or did you only discover once he cheated and divorce got started? I had no idea until I started really looking into the depth of his deception and lies. I put it down to 'an affair fog' for many weeks until the penny dropped, I assumed his coldness, gaslighting and lies were what others have described as the fog, until realsing it had to be something much more than that. Just curious....


I did not know ahead of time. Only after his cheating and bringing up in counseling about the way he treated me for years did I realize something was off.

I started looking up emotional abuse and cheating online, and it started giving symptoms of a narcissist.. when I would read them and stories from people living with narcissists did I start seeing my life in those stories.

I was being abused, and was allowing it.. Even now, if I answer a question for him, he will call me back later that day or the next day and twist my words,, he will say I said something else.. just so I have to defend myself and that gives him power... that he is still controlling my thoughts. 
And it makes him look like the victim,, so I would end up apologizing for the miscommunication... or making him feel bad. He convinces me to give him his supply.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Numb, I know exactly how that is. I just don't talk to him, he ends up doing my head in and acting like a child. Even his e-mails annoy me, as he's just being difficult. You cannot win with these ones.
Yes he is painting himself as the victim of a nagging, controlling crazy wife. Why am I like that? Because of him! I did do some silly things trying to get him to explain to me why he lied and cheated, but that is very typical of an ex partner of a narcissist. They cannot understand the change in the person they thought loved them or even cared about them. Now I know I was nothing but an object, someone who served a purpose at the time. It is a total mind f**k! I was abused, too, by his misdirection, blame shifting, put downs - by the time he walked out, I was a shell of my old self. It's going to take a lot of strength to get through this, but I feel I can do it, so can you.

I would suggest you just deal with him on e-mail, then your response is documented. DON'T talk to him, tell him you will communicate but via e-mail only and that you don't want him calling you anymore. Be assertive in your responses. Just deal with the important issues like finances and the divorce. He will twist them as well, as mine does, but it will give you some control back. I also read 'splitting', which helped. He will try and throw you off, he will be difficult, he will try and control you. Do not allow it. See him for the unhuman he is and get him out your life as soon as you can.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It helps to picture them as someone you know but don't particularly care about. Would you go to all this trouble with the mailman? Any time you feel yourself pulled into doing something you're not comfortable with, just ask yourself, would I do this for the mailman?


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

turnera said:


> It helps to picture them as someone you know but don't particularly care about. Would you go to all this trouble with the mailman? Any time you feel yourself pulled into doing something you're not comfortable with, just ask yourself, would I do this for the mailman?


When I saw him last, I made myself "really" look at him, and I can finally see just as you say, just someone I know. I did not see him as the love of my life. I almost felt sorry for him. It's like he had a capital N on his forehead now.. so that I can see him for who or what he really is.. I hope he tries to change, not for me.. I know we are over.. but for himself.. but at 50 years old.. can he? I doubt it.

He has lost weight, and looks like he is unhappy.. and of course he is,, right now he has no constant supply.. he is in the fake stage of trying to make me believe he understands my pain and is sorry for how he treated me.. just to try to gain control of me again. His other women are married, they would only be sporadic supply.. not a constant.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

He will never change, it's a fundamental fact. They can learn behaviour techniques but that is all, and that is only if they realise they have a problem. Most don't because they think everyone is like them, and are never wrong! He is flawed, a self absorbed child. 
I realise now mine had no real feelings at all, he never seemed to care about anything much (except himself!). I'd be just in awe on a safari and he'd be just like 'yeah that's a lion, there's an elephant, when can we get back so I can have a beer?'
You are in a more difficult position then me, mine has his new supply - he is living with the skanky witch new supply. Another common trait for a narc - they don't like being alone, so he had planned this without my knowledge for months. That was another reason why I thought there was something more to it, that is a whole other layer of deceit. I mean who remains married and moves in with someone else without anyone knowing? What a totally bizarre thing to do. Especially as they could get in serious trouble at work, if people found out and his reputation would be in tatters, etc. But he felt he had every right to do it, will be portaying himself as a desperate man escaping an evil wife, finding 'real love' (new supply) for the very first time, and that he cannot possibly ever get found out as he is never wrong and far too clever for his dumb wife to rumble him. Well I did. He fooled me for 12 years, never again.


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