# Do I need to worry about this possible EA?



## Minncouple (Sep 9, 2009)

Ok, will try and be brief here.

Wife has a hobby of dog training, protection/drug stuff. There are a few guys in the group/club she has become friends with. Talk about training stuff, how they are doing with the dogs, seems like pretty much always related to the dogs. Sometimes meet and help each other with training and preparing for the next level tests.

Now, the guy is married and we have done dinner once of twice so we all have met. I know, that through my wife saying so in a casual manor that the guys wife did show concern about her husband and my wife talking, but I dont think it was a big deal. I am not the jelous type, and it didnt concern me at first.

So,these calls and texts seem to be quite frequent. Pretty much a few times a day. I hear her talking to him and it is typically the dog stuff. 

This has started to bother me the last few months as when they talk she is always so upbeat and laughing or seem like she is enjoying the conversations. Background.... We do not text or talk much during the day. Maybe once every few days about an important item. It is something that I do miss/want, but my wife just doesnt seem to be one to engage with me via text/phone. I guess I feel like as the husband, I would like to be the one making my wife laugh and have her enjoy our conversations, not some other guy. 

Again, I am not some jelous type, and am about 80% sure that she is not cheating, but isnt that the famous last words before you find out you were wrong?

So, Should I confront her on how I feel about this? I dont want to come across as a over bearing jelous type and have that backfire when there is nothing to be alarmed about.

This has really be burdening me lately and when we are together it seems like I get down when I hear her text alert or her talking. 

Appreciate any insight, sometimes those closet are the blindest. She always complained in the past that all guys that she has befriended alwasy fell for her and it isnt worth being friends with guys.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Trust your gut.

If your wife is texting the other man more often per day than she is texting or calling you, then it is an innappropriate relationship....period.

You need to confront her gently and tell her you are not comfortable with this. If she gets angry, tells you that you are being unreasonable and controlling, then you will know something is up.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Trust yourself.

My uncle's wife of 30 years cheated on him with her badmitton partner. She had played for years and this guy became her "friend" and then partner.

She left my uncle after a couple months. Now she lives in a house paid for by alimony from my uncle...with her lover.

Don't be played!


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Yes, you need to have a frank and open discussion with her about this immediately. If both parties are interested an EA can develop too quickly to control. You are begining to see things that might become a problem and you have every right to talk to her about them. In another thread today I posted a list of boundaries. Here are some you can think about:

•	Respect any gut feelings your spouse has regarding your opposite sex friends. Their opinion should matter more than the friendship and they can sometimes see stuff you can’t.
•	Don’t escalate contact (in person, talk, phone, text, FB etc.). It should be no more than any of your same sex friends. If it keeps growing this is a sign of an EA.
•	Don’t do things for opposite sex friends you don’t normally do for your same sex friends.
•	Include your spouse in as many activities with friends as possible
•	Say nothing that you can't say in front of your spouse
•	No bad talking about either spouse. Don’t confide or unload emotionally about your spouse. Don’t become an ear to an opposite sex friends marriage problems. Keep that off limits.
•	Minimize alone time
•	No touching
•	Transparency with communication. So secret email accounts or unknowable passwords. The understanding that we can ask for the info at anytime. We share passwords for email, facebook and other accounts.

The risk is real and I have female friends myself and before I knew what was happening I was starting down the road to an EA. But I listened to my wife’s gut and I was able to see what it was developing into before it was too late.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I think having a general discussion about EA's with your spouse is a good idea.

My husband knew about physical affairs but had NO idea EAs existed.

We looked stuff up online and had a good discussion about boundaries and what is and isn't acceptable for us.

It relieved a ton of anxiety about our opposite sex friends.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I think having a general discussion about EA's with your spouse is a good idea.
> 
> My husband knew about physical affairs but had NO idea EAs existed.
> 
> ...


Ditto! I had no idea what an EA was until I had to deal with it. Much better to understand it before hand.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

if you understand it, you know what you're getting into...so then you can't say you didn't know  Hard to play dumb when you're alreay aware.


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## Minncouple (Sep 9, 2009)

Thanks for the responses so far. Wasnt what I wanted to hear, but good information.

I have been running a bit of background on this, and appears what she tells me and where she is going is valid. Again, simply hurt that I am not the one providing her with the emotional support and or being her best friend.

Goes as far as me having dreams about this and her leaving the marriage. This whole thing has just been weighing on me and causing stress in my mind. I have never provided parameters for her or told her guidelines, almost feel doing so undermines the trust/assumption that one should have automatically in marriage.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Then just go to her with your concerns about not feeling close to her.

Don't even bring up the other guy. Just make it about you two and see how she responds.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Minncouple said:


> I have been running a bit of background on this, and appears what she tells me and where she is going is valid. Again, simply hurt that I am not the one providing her with the emotional support and or being her best friend.
> 
> Goes as far as me having dreams about this and her leaving the marriage. This whole thing has just been weighing on me and causing stress in my mind. I have never provided parameters for her or told her guidelines, almost feel doing so undermines the trust/assumption that one should have automatically in marriage.


You need to be her best friend. If you have the feeling that you are not then it needs to be addressed stat! Have the talk now! It is all about your relationship and unless you get into it now it will be harder.

What would her reaction be if you had a really close woman friend?


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

that_girl said:


> if you understand it, you know what you're getting into...so then you can't say you didn't know  Hard to play dumb when you're alreay aware.


That’s the insidious part about the EA. The fog (the feel good feeling from the neurochemicals like dopamine & oxytocin) makes the rewriting of history easier. One of the effects of oxytocin is to suppress and undo neural connections of other partners. This happens much more with PAs because oxytocin is released with orgasm but it explains why the DS starts rewriting their history.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, but if you know what to look for, you can avoid situations.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Yea, but if you know what to look for, you can avoid situations.


:iagree:

Avoiding bad situations is good but trouble can come from situations that meet the boundaries as well. This is why it is sooo important to be tapped into the gut of your spouse (as long as they are not rug sweeping) and respect their warnings.

Having boundaries is not enough, you need to put your marriage first by respecting your spouses view regardless of how you feel.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Is dog training a hobby or a job? I love dogs. I rescue, train them then rehome them. It's more of a passion to me. When I talk to anybody about dogs, you can hear the passion in my voice. With that being said can you check and monitor her e-mails and texts. It could be that this particular dog he's working with needs a lot of help or he's a newbie and needs a lot of help learning. Check her texts to be sure. The reason I say to monitor her texts as well, is because he and she both have a strong interest together which could lead to an EA later if it didn't already.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Also, do you share this hobby with her? If not give it a try. It's very rewarding to train an animal.
(I can't resist. Still trying to train my husband 14 years later!)
Just joking! Don't send the hit men!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

How much is there to say about dogs that would require this level of chat?

Talk to her about boundaries and keeping things at a professional level,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Trust me Shaggy I could talk forever about dogs. And when it comes to training, different techniques may need to be tried and explained. I train dogs as well. What works for one may not work for another. I did say he should check the texts and monitor them. An EA would be easy to start with someone who shares your passion


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## Minncouple (Sep 9, 2009)

This is high level Shutzen work, narcotics detection, explosives. This isnt the normal sit/stay type family dog stuff. There really arent many females in the club, mostly Police and LE guys, and a few contract security companies. 

The talk is about the dogs, and training, never hear them talk about just everyday stuff. She actually complains that the guy is such a jerk, control freak, anoying and she feels bad for his wife and she could never be with a guy like that. Seemed odd to me, that comment.

I am simply not interested in the hobby. It has been her passion for almost 3o years. I do show up once in a while at thier club or training grounds, but it really is pretty boring stuff for me. I am open to having individual hobbies and feel it is a good thing to have something of your own. I do ask how her session go and such to show an interest.

It just has bugged me the last few months, and hearing that the guys wife has mentioned the concern and somehow it got back to my wife this info makes me a tad bit more concerned. As in I must not be totally nuts.


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## Minncouple (Sep 9, 2009)

I do hate to admit that I did check out her emails a few times. The PC somehow didnt log her out, and it was open. I didnt see anything other than normal stuff from girlfriends and stuff. There were only a few emails from him , and they were dog related things and no personal dialog. I felt pretty bad about snooping. Almost like we lost a great deal of faith in our marriage by doing so.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Minncouple said:


> Thanks for the responses so far. Wasnt what I wanted to hear, but good information.
> 
> I have been running a bit of background on this, and appears what she tells me and where she is going is valid. Again, simply hurt that I am not the one providing her with the emotional support and or being her best friend.
> 
> Goes as far as me having dreams about this and her leaving the marriage. This whole thing has just been weighing on me and causing stress in my mind. I have never provided parameters for her or told her guidelines, almost feel doing so undermines the trust/assumption that one should have automatically in marriage.


After my wife had an EA and a ONS the thing I regretted the most was not listening to my gut. I'm not a naturally jealous person, so when the bells started ringing for me, I should have trusted myself.

You sound in the same boat. If you're not the jealous type, then that uneasiness in your stomach is nature's way of telling you that you better do something.

I'm not telling you your wife is cheating on you, but this guy is a threat to your marriage and you need to establish boundaries and have a good talk with your wife about what is and isn't acceptable. Read the signs of an EA and how to protect yourself from it.

Remember that up until someone actually cheats, no one expects it will happen to them. So don't go into the conversation thinking that your wife wants to bang other dudes. Affairs, especially EAs, start slowly from friendships and can sometimes take years to develop into inappropriate territory.

The guidelines posted above are good starting points:

1. Complete transparency with phone records, text messages, FB and email passwords, etc.
2. No relationship talk from either party, especially talk about relationship problems.

After my wife had an EA, I realize that any 1 on 1 talking consistently with someone is bad mojo. Chit chatting and what not is how people build relationships. I would also avoid any 1 on 1 situations with the opposite sex for anything outside of work. Means I would not be cool with my wife going out alone with a guy to lunch, dinner, recreational activities, etc.

Everyone's different but what's important is that you talk about it, set clear boundaries, and follow through with them on both sides (no double standards).

It's important to bring it up really delicately, not confrontational or accusatory. If you bring it up calmly, let her know that you have some concern, she should understand. The more defensive and accusatory she gets, the more involved the relationship is.

Also, you should use this as a good point to determine where your relationship is. Is she unhappy about anything? Does she miss the romance or chit chat? What is this guy fulfilling that you aren't?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

> She actually complains that the guy is such a jerk, control freak, anoying and she feels bad for his wife and she could never be with a guy like that. Seemed odd to me, that comment.


Oh hell. She likes him. She's saying these things to throw you off the scent...but she digs him.

EVEN IF she could talk about dogs 24/7...if she wasn't into him, she wouldn't be talking SO MUCH to him about it. And if he's SO awful, and a jerk, why the EFF is she talking to him so much???

Food for thought.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Also, he OM's wife is concerned and this man hasn't stopped contacting your wife.

Dude. Wake. Up.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> I felt pretty bad about snooping. Almost like we lost a great deal of faith in our marriage by doing so.


Get this through your head...

What you did was not snooping. Just like it would not be snooping if your wife went in and looked at your emails.

There is no privacy in a marriage....no secrets. If you and your wife have not figured that out after all these years then you_ are _ in trouble.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Never feel bad about snooping. If the other person doesn't have anything to hide then they wouldn't care. If this one individual is bothering you then tell her. There might have been something your gut picked up on but the rest of you didn't. While it doesn't sound like an EA yet, since you checked you should end it now. If it's not an EA should shouldn't feel bad about doing something that would make you more comfortable.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Minncouple said:


> She actually complains that the guy is such a jerk, control freak, anoying and she feels bad for his wife and she could never be with a guy like that. Seemed odd to me, that comment.


That's the kind of stuff my wife said about literally every guy she did inappropriate things with. The guy she had an EA with was ugly and she would never get with a guy like that. The guy she was trying to exchange naked pictures with was a c*cky a**hole who was ugly. The guy she slept with was disgusting and too short and a ****y jerk. The more I heard her talk about how she would NEVER go for "a guy like that" the more I realized she was just trying to lie to herself.

You have to know the difference between making an offhand comment, and protesting too much. From what you said, sounds like she is protesting too much. As someone else said, if he's that much of a douche, why is she so happy to talk to him.

And also, there's no secrets in a marriage. If you think your wife can't cheat, or that you can't cheat, you're being delusional. Don't think twice about checking her emails and texts and what not. A marriage where that stuff is secret is just asking for trouble. Trust, but verify.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I personaly have had bad experiences, multiable time with law enforcement with regards to my fWW. So I am going to be in the crowd that tells you to trust your gut.

Do your home work and research and above all else let it be known that you want a healthy marriage. Get involved some how, and infilttraite this group. 

It sounds like your at the earily stages and by getting involved and taking no for an answer is the best way to curtale this from going deeper.

Again do what you need to do to get involved, investigate and know your "enemy". Just like in any battle there are stratigies that will work best for your sitch. Make a plan and work the plan. Assume nothing and trust no one.

All this sounds off the wall but stay on the down low and do what you need to do..... your marriage depends on it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Guerilla tactics. 

I like.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Guerilla tactics.
> 
> I like.


I was thinking the same thing. :smthumbup:


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Some may thinks these tactics are over board, but there is noting over board about protecting your marriage. And to make one thing perfectly clear, if there is any time to be controlling it is now...control your marriage, do not let these cops (altra alpha males) manage a fragile marriage for their favor. They will and will alway justify it, no matter how street smart your W thinks she is, they will play on her niaveness and your beta persona that they work off of when dealing with "civilians".

Do not underestimate the mind of cops when it comes to getting laid.....becuase your wife will. Soon you will her your W say" I didn't mean it to happen it just did". These guys are just as much a preditor as any guy at any club.

Please be warn and now is not the time to be a "nice guy" but a confident, firm, and fair man that knows what he will tolorate and what his boundries are. 

Walk softly but carrry a big stick by commanding respect and confirming your wifes loyality.

Nothing is more attractive then a alpha male. Nothing is more attractive to a cop then a women that is niave enough to think they "just want to be friends"


********disclaimer***************

For the good cops out there I thank you, but I don't have to justify what you already know about the guys you work with.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Guerilla tactics.
> 
> I like.


If you take that approach you're going to be a "guerilla" for the rest of your marriage, which will probably not be long.

You need to bring it out in the open. Express the concern, and use it as a springboard to have a healthy conversation about boundaries, respect, and affair-proofing marriage. If two married people can't talk about that out in the open, there's little hope for long-term success.

Just going undercover isn't going to solve or fix anything, it will only allow him to pinpoint the exact time in which his wife wants to insert someone else's penis into her.

Guerilla tactics are necessary when you have the conversation, your wife isn't responsive, and she insists on violating boundaries. At that point, you are just waiting to collect evidence. Though at that point, the marriage is already in the death spiral...


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Minncouple said:


> TShe actually complains that the guy is such a jerk, control freak, anoying and she feels bad for his wife and she could never be with a guy like that. Seemed odd to me, that comment.


Uh-oh! I was about to give different advice, but that seals it for me. She likes him. Probably even LIKE-likes him.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Men need to stop being afraid to appear jeaolous. Almost every women likes to know that there man is a little jealous of time/emotion given away to other men. Show her how important she and your marriage is to you. Get a little mad. Seems like she likes a little "jerk" in her men. Now is not the time to be passive. WWCD (What would Clint DO?)


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If things get bad go and inform the police chief or lieutenant of what is going on. Most police departments take a dim view of any employees or contractors fraternizing with married spouses.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Minncouple (Sep 9, 2009)

Thanks for the responses, appreciated.

First, the guy is not LE. There are several LE guys, private contractors, and a few indivuduals. I was just discribing the people in the club, the other guy is just some indivudual there. I was simply trying to let everyone know that this group is pretty intest training and not simple homeowner dog training, thus the interst levels of those training there is somewhat higher than a once a week sit/stay one hour lesson.

Some of the comments hit home and some simply scare me. I spent a good deal of time yesterday reading here, and determined that the more time you read her, the more crazy ideas pop into your head and you almost become paranoid.

I will be brining up my concerns to my wife this weekend when the time is right. More so from the angle of I miss/want to be her best friend an concerned that this guy is taking my place. I dont wnat to storm in and start setting up rules or act crazy. That is just not in my blood. I am not Beta, more so if she pisses me off enough I would simple serve her papers and help her pack. I would be sad, but will get over it. No questions or discussions. 

Thanks again for all your responses


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

hi minn--

my advice would be..

1. make the wife the bad guy and play into the "your a girl" with your wife and tell her its not right if because of a friendship a marriage breaks up.

this is your good friend, and right now his best friend dosent like this. lets not call more than a couple of days a week, so thy can work out their problems.


2. its time to learn all about dog/training. just wikki the fvck out if it. get involved in her hobbie. an outside man dosent like it when the inside guy starts getting involved in the life of their spouse.

start showing up to sessions and just ask all the questions about food, and mediciene, and grooming. if you dont know the lingo, they could be talking code right in front of you, and you dont know.

2b. start talking to the guy when he calls, just a hey 'sup...keep it on a guy to guy convo, weather, sports, cars...whatever. this goes back to being involved. when you take an interest in your wifes hobbies, it will help her see that this guy is a doush.


3. start texting your wife during the day. keep it light..no sexting, yet....just start with dinner plans, or a incident at the office, we all know the guy who is so stupid, you wonder how he remembers to breathe.

or that office twit. i think once you open up communication with your wife about your day, and show a real interest in her hobbie, she will follow suit with openness back.


do not make it a big deal to your wife. that would do the oppsite of what you want.


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