# wife not affectionate



## prodriver (Jan 27, 2014)

hi ive been married for 10 years now but since marriage we have had 3 children - but my wife is still very unaffectionate.

i have mentioned it to her that i would feel more loved if she can hold me more, kiss me more and just keep hugging me.

she says she does it but im just not satisfied.

i know why she isnt affectionate - she told me on my wedding day she doesnt find me good looking. how cruel. 

anyway i just need more advice on what to do, i have had a word with her but shes not changing. ive cried in front of her, been upset, but she doesnt wana change and would never admit her fault or lack of affection.

divorce is something i wouldnt do as i want to see my kids everyday as i love them like mad and cant be without them.

its a situation thats going round in circles - she sees me upset, asks me whats wrong, and when i tell her, as usual i get the answer - i do hold and kiss you but you are just not satisfied.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

prodriver said:


> i have mentioned it to her that i would feel more loved if she can hold me more, kiss me more and just keep hugging me.


How does she react when you hug and hold her? 




prodriver said:


> she told me on my wedding day she doesnt find me good looking. how cruel.


This is terrible. What made her say this?



prodriver said:


> ive cried in front of her, been upset


I don't think those things are very productive in making yourself more appealing and attractive to most women. 



prodriver said:


> i do hold and kiss you but you are just not satisfied.


How often does she? How often do you want? There is an emotional needs questionnaire (just google it, it's free) that can be very helpful in telling your spouse what you need and how much you need it. That way you can look to fill her needs better and she can work on yours.


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## prodriver (Jan 27, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> How does she react when you hug and hold her?
> 
> 
> she just lets me not doesnt always hold me back.
> ...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

From her perspective, how does she demonstrate affection for you? Maybe she really is affectionate but not in the way you are used to perceiving it. My wife isn't physically or verbally affectionate but in her mind, taking the time to get my socks extra white (for example) is an act of love. As long as we're saying the same thing, does it matter which language we use?


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Honestly, you sound like a puss*. Time for you to act like a real man and take charge and be the boss around the house. 

You don't need to be Brad Pitt for a woman to find a man attractive. Its the attitude and confidence that they like first. Your post sounds like you have none of it. 

If you got that swagger, but look like a neanderthal, chances are they'll still find something physically attractive in you. Like that manly beard!


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I wish I could give you some advice that would instantly solve your problems but I can't. If your wife has literally never been attracted to you there isn't much anyone on TAM can advise you. There are books, but ideally those are best suited for men whose wives were attracted to them at one point but became distant later in the relationship. You really only have two options, accept your life as is for the sake of the kids, or get divorced and find someone who appreciates you. Sorry brother.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

prodriver said:


> i know why she isnt affectionate - she told me on my wedding day she doesnt find me good looking. how cruel.


 Boy that had to be a humdinger of a honeymoon if she tells you that.

Honestly if it was me and she said that to me on our wedding day, I would have been on that honeymoon by myself.

It's abuse and your letting her get away with it and the longer you let her get away with it, the worse it's going to get.

Now you can sit and take it or sit her perfect ass down and let her know that you ain't a happy man with her coldness and she better light a fire in her heart or there could be some trouble coming. It's up to you.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I would work on getting new clothes building your body and start being much more emotionally distant. Each time you cry or ask her for something, she thinks how much more attractive am I than my husband. You need to start equaling things out. Be a little less predictable.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Bobby5000 said:


> I would work on getting new clothes building your body and start being much more emotionally distant. Each time you cry or ask her for something, she thinks how much more attractive am I than my husband. You need to start equaling things out. Be a little less predictable.


Try not to get that attention from her. Get it from elsewhere. Let her miss you quenching her, and come to get it from you.

Put alot of time into yourself and your style and dress like Bobby5000 is saying. You can turn it around, but it's not a short process.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

prodriver said:


> anyway i just need more advice on what to do, i have had a word with her but shes not changing. ive cried in front of her, been upset, but she doesnt wana change and would never admit her fault or lack of affection.


The problem is, it's not a "fault" on her part. Some people simply aren't affectionate. There's nothing wrong with that. Apparently you knew this when you married her, didn't you?

I wish there was a magic bullet here but there probably isn't. If she's always been this way, then she probably isn't going to change, any more than you are going to change. 

It was cruel for her to insult you like that on your wedding day, but even if she apologized and took it all back, at the end of the day, she is still an unaffectionate person. 

If you lost weight, she might come around a little, but she won't fundamentally change. However you will feel better about yourself, and she will notice your confidence. 

At the end of the day you have to ask yourself if you can stay in a marriage like this, and if so, for how long?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

She married for safe, not passion. Join the club. There is NO WAY to turn this around. None.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why did you have kids with someone who told you that?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Try not to get that attention from her. Get it from elsewhere. Let her miss you quenching her, and come to get it from you.
> 
> Put alot of time into yourself and your style and dress like Bobby5000 is saying. You can turn it around, but it's not a short process.


I don't know Trey. How can you turn around something that never was? I think he should do what you suggest but do it for himself.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

prodriver said:


> hi ive been married for 10 years now but since marriage we have had 3 children - but my wife is still very unaffectionate.
> 
> i have mentioned it to her that i would feel more loved if she can hold me more, kiss me more and just keep hugging me.
> 
> ...


Really?!?!

REALLY?!?!

So when are you going to start your diet and hit the gym?

If this is real, it sounds like your solution is pretty easy.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> I don't know Trey. How can you turn around something that never was? I think he should do what you suggest but do it for himself.


Well, that's his only hope anyway. He can't try for her, he needs to try for himself and other opportunities. The magic may work and it just may not. She may have settled into a comfortable pattern with him.

Another thing he can do is try for himself and the others, but also make himself more scarce and give her less time. 

That's the best shot.


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## Mortie (Dec 19, 2013)

The book "No more Mr. Nice Guy" comes to mind. Im reading it now. Good book so far. 
You dont need to take her crap. Start working on yourself. Dont tell her why. Just do it and see what she does. You cant fix her, you can only fix you.


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## AlmostYoung (May 24, 2012)

Yeah, work on yourself, for yourself. Don't hang around people or forums that tell you there's no hope. There's always some hope until YOU give up. 

Don't give her the oh so "manly"  ultimatum talk until you are sure you are done with the M, because there's no telling which way that'll go.


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