# The best book I have read so far!



## Clare_Bear (Dec 31, 2011)

I love my fiance, but over the past 2 months I had found our relationship reaching a less than exciting stage. We had gotten stuck in a series of routines, and it was to the point that our time together felt like an obligation with daily checkpoints of the same shared activities. I had read a lot of relationship books, and didn't understand why the techniques weren't working for us. It took me a lot of reading, but I found the book "Men Are Easy" earlier this week and WOW it changed our relationship (and my perspective on relationships):

1. Stop expecting him to meet your needs:
The book taught me to make a list of my stresses/unfinished projects, and work on them everyday myself. Over time you end up with less stress during the day, a sense of accomplishment from completing your goals, and a clearer mind when when you do spend time with your man to enjoy him. 

2. Take care of your needs daily *BEFORE* you spend time with him:
I have a little list of things that make me happy, and I make it a habit to do as many of them as I can before I even talk to him (as a form of self-care). I was surprised at how many of my needs I could either fill on my own completely, or at least add a little boost to on my own. Like even things like the need to be listened too I have found ways to achieve without him (blogging, forums, journaling). 

3. Think about the core reason why you are upset with him:
Under the arguments are needs, and now I am better able to see what it is I truly want from both of us. I have learned to turn complaints into requests, and also to fill some of my needs on my own. 

4. Have sex often:
I am learning not to wait until (of even expect to feel) I am physically turned on by him. I am starting to see that subtle things like: attraction to other men suddenly, finding my fiance irritating suddenly, and other general feelings of "disconnect" are a sign we need to bond physically sometimes. I at one point fantasized about other guys on the cover of romance novels (during a time I wasn't sleeping with him often, even though I knew he wanted to more often), but now that we enjoy sex more often I notice I hardly think of other men more than a second (if that).

5. Handle bad moods before speaking with him/if in a bad mood avoid judging him:
I have learned that its important to take care of my low mood *before* I spend time with him, because if I spend time with him in a low mood I am more sensitive to feeling negatively toward him. If I have had a bad day (rushed home without doing a few things from my "stuff that makes me happy" list, avoided my need to be heard by writing in my journal, and/or just tried to pretend everything is "okay" or vent to him), I often would find myself angered by his trying to help me feel better or finding him irritating more easily. Even if you were in a good mood and then he ruined your mood, take a deep breath, and spend some time lifting your mood before confronting and requesting anything from him.

6. Have fun with him:
I have learned to have fun with him, relax, and that a "relationship" is something created moment by moment. Things will not always be perfect, but I am learning that don't need to be! What makes a good marriage is good memories, and those are something that you can create everyday anew even if you have a tough time the day before. I learned to laugh with him, ask him questions, and just joke around with him. 

7. Talk to him in a gentle way:
I am learning to talk in a gentle way to him. I had originally bought a book called, "Why Men Love *****es" that advised me to joke with him about certain things in a playful way that bothered me. It worked at times, but it didn't work in a HUGE way when I ended up hurting his feelings with an innocent joke. Another book I had read called "The New Rules of Marriage" was good, but taught a technique about admitting stories you made up up in your head (assumptions) about why your partner said/did a hurtful thing. This technique I am sure can work in some cases, but again it didn't work in a HUGE way with my fiance. It ended up hurting his feelings at what I had assumed his actions meant. Every couple is different! so it took awhile to find a book that worked for "us". "Men Are Easy" was the one that did for me. I got it through Kindle for 8.99 (first chapter sample was free).

The end result:

I finally understand how to have that great, busy, confident, ambitious, and fun life I used to have when I was single without having to actually leave my fiance to do it. The book has a section on divorce I really liked too! It puts relationships into perspective. I now see that I get to have my own life, and "share" it with him. I no longer feel like he nor our relationship has to be my entire life, nor that we have to suddenly get "serious" about our time together to live up to some marriage norm. Stuff is really good for us now, and it feels like things are similar to how they were when we first met, but with added security and love now.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Great list! Sounds like a good book. I've implemented many of these in my marriage, too. Especially not talking to him until I take care of my own bad mood and doing things to meet my own needs. For some reason when I met my H I stopped doing things to meet my needs and expected him to make me happy. Strange how that happens. Then I got angry at him that I wasnt happy anymore even though I was the one that stopped doing things that made me happy. 

I also felt my relationship was my entire life. I had no balance. Now I feel like we share our life with each other but our relationship is not our life. I wonder if that changes once you have kids, though.


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

I love this


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Good stuff!!

Another book that sort of tells women a similar thing is "Divorce Busters". Though I think she might be more long winded in doing so.

There is a balance between a person taking care of their own needs and the things we need from our spouse.

The list you provide handles the part that we should all be responsible for our own happyness and mental well being. Then, when our spouse does take the time and effort to meet our needs it's icing on the cake... that's where the passion comes from.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

CB,
This is a great list. My W of 22 years does this type stuff - always has.

Phase 2 goes like this: you are allowed to feel sad/tense when you are home with him. Just make sure you both get good at differentiating things that have nothing to do with him vs. Those that do. There is a short list of conversational Lego for this:
- in A bad place that has nothing to do with you
- in a bad place for a bunch of reasons, it really would help if when I came home I didn't find a bunch of dishes in the sink - this let's him know his contribution to your bad day in the form of a request for future effort
- I really, really need you to make more effort to do X 

For 1 above he needs to learn to listen empathize and be your emotional stabilizer. That is not the same as fixing your problem. If he already gets that great, if not he needs to read men mars women Venus.

For 2 he needs to do something nice to show he gets it

For 3 he needs to avoid love busting

All that said, BOTH my W and I consistently give each other a big, happy greeting and hug when we first see each other.

The end of day greeting = you matter more than the day to day noise level stuff that happens on life. Besides she gives world class full body hugs....




=Clare_Bear;612181]I love my fiance, but over the past 2 months I had found our relationship reaching a less than exciting stage. We had gotten stuck in a series of routines, and it was to the point that our time together felt like an obligation with daily checkpoints of the same shared activities. I had read a lot of relationship books, and didn't understand why the techniques weren't working for us. It took me a lot of reading, but I found the book "Men Are Easy" earlier this week and WOW it changed our relationship (and my perspective on relationships):

1. Stop expecting him to meet your needs:
The book taught me to make a list of my stresses/unfinished projects, and work on them everyday myself. Over time you end up with less stress during the day, a sense of accomplishment from completing your goals, and a clearer mind when when you do spend time with your man to enjoy him. 

2. Take care of your needs daily *BEFORE* you spend time with him:
I have a little list of things that make me happy, and I make it a habit to do as many of them as I can before I even talk to him (as a form of self-care). I was surprised at how many of my needs I could either fill on my own completely, or at least add a little boost to on my own. Like even things like the need to be listened too I have found ways to achieve without him (blogging, forums, journaling). 

3. Think about the core reason why you are upset with him:
Under the arguments are needs, and now I am better able to see what it is I truly want from both of us. I have learned to turn complaints into requests, and also to fill some of my needs on my own. 

4. Have sex often:
I am learning not to wait until (of even expect to feel) I am physically turned on by him. I am starting to see that subtle things like: attraction to other men suddenly, finding my fiance irritating suddenly, and other general feelings of "disconnect" are a sign we need to bond physically sometimes. I at one point fantasized about other guys on the cover of romance novels (during a time I wasn't sleeping with him often, even though I knew he wanted to more often), but now that we enjoy sex more often I notice I hardly think of other men more than a second (if that).

5. Handle bad moods before speaking with him/if in a bad mood avoid judging him:
I have learned that its important to take care of my low mood *before* I spend time with him, because if I spend time with him in a low mood I am more sensitive to feeling negatively toward him. If I have had a bad day (rushed home without doing a few things from my "stuff that makes me happy" list, avoided my need to be heard by writing in my journal, and/or just tried to pretend everything is "okay" or vent to him), I often would find myself angered by his trying to help me feel better or finding him irritating more easily. Even if you were in a good mood and then he ruined your mood, take a deep breath, and spend some time lifting your mood before confronting and requesting anything from him.

6. Have fun with him:
I have learned to have fun with him, relax, and that a "relationship" is something created moment by moment. Things will not always be perfect, but I am learning that don't need to be! What makes a good marriage is good memories, and those are something that you can create everyday anew even if you have a tough time the day before. I learned to laugh with him, ask him questions, and just joke around with him. 

7. Talk to him in a gentle way:
I am learning to talk in a gentle way to him. I had originally bought a book called, "Why Men Love *****es" that advised me to joke with him about certain things in a playful way that bothered me. It worked at times, but it didn't work in a HUGE way when I ended up hurting his feelings with an innocent joke. Another book I had read called "The New Rules of Marriage" was good, but taught a technique about admitting stories you made up up in your head (assumptions) about why your partner said/did a hurtful thing. This technique I am sure can work in some cases, but again it didn't work in a HUGE way with my fiance. It ended up hurting his feelings at what I had assumed his actions meant. Every couple is different! so it took awhile to find a book that worked for "us". "Men Are Easy" was the one that did for me. I got it through Kindle for 8.99 (first chapter sample was free).

The end result:

I finally understand how to have that great, busy, confident, ambitious, and fun life I used to have when I was single without having to actually leave my fiance to do it. The book has a section on divorce I really liked too! It puts relationships into perspective. I now see that I get to have my own life, and "share" it with him. I no longer feel like he nor our relationship has to be my entire life, nor that we have to suddenly get "serious" about our time together to live up to some marriage norm. Stuff is really good for us now, and it feels like things are similar to how they were when we first met, but with added security and love now.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tiredandout (Jun 1, 2011)

Great list!!

I have started to do some of these things myself, especially since I too noticed that I became unhappy about our relationship when outside stressors grew too strong and I stopped doing things for myself that I enjoyed. I have reintroduced these things into my life: hobbies, journaling, exercise, nurturing friendships and family relationships — and feel so much better! Taking care of my own work stress instead of dumping it on my husband is doing wonders as well. There's still a lot I could do better, especially with figuring out the _real_ underlying unsatisfied need that is the reason for being upset with him (very hard for me to do) and with talking to him in a gentle loving manner, even when upset/stressed/tired.

It's a working process but this list is a great reminder to have! Thank you for this!


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

The best book my husband and I have read so far (and watched the DVD) is 'The Secret' by Rhonda Byrne.

We are not religious, my husband is not particularly spiritual and he put up with sitting down and watching it with me. 

It's completely changed our lives because it's changed our outlook. Instead of wasting half our lives feeling negative we realised that what we were putting out there is what we were getting back. It's worked for us, in everything. 

Life is about keeping an open mind.


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## AbsolutelyFree (Jan 28, 2011)

Sounds on target to me!


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Gratitude said:


> The best book my husband and I have read so far (and watched the DVD) is 'The Secret' by Rhonda Byrne.
> 
> We are not religious, my husband is not particularly spiritual and he put up with sitting down and watching it with me.
> 
> ...


I loved this movie as well. Also have the one by Deepak Chopra (his voice is soooo soothing).

I tend to really like the abstract versions of how to embrace life. My H however, took the movie as this... he quit studying for his license, and doing anything in life. All he had to do was wish for it to come true. No effort required. Every question was answered with "I just have to think and wish for it, and everything will be fine". That doesn't get the laundry done or paychecks in to the bank LOL. But I sure enjoyed it!


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

deejov said:


> I loved this movie as well. Also have the one by Deepak Chopra (his voice is soooo soothing).
> 
> I tend to really like the abstract versions of how to embrace life. My H however, took the movie as this... he quit studying for his license, and doing anything in life. All he had to do was wish for it to come true. No effort required. Every question was answered with "I just have to think and wish for it, and everything will be fine". That doesn't get the laundry done or paychecks in to the bank LOL. But I sure enjoyed it!


LOL ... yeah, that's not the point. You still have to help yourself 

I just imagine that if there's something I desire or we need as a family, I ask for it once and don't know how it will happen, or when, I just believe without any doubt that it will.

Something that stuck with me as an example is if you keep saying to yourself 'I hope I don't get a broken leg, I hope I don't get a broken leg', the universe will hear 'I want a broken leg, and many more things to break.'

It's about controlling your thoughts into positive ones, it can't always work and be perfect because this is life, but it really struck me that we bring everything into our lives and the universal energy is ours to use to achieve whatever we desire. 

You only have one shot at this life; one chance. Why be miserable when you can be confident and happy and fill your life with the good things the world has to offer. 

Whenever I go off track I log on to their website and watch the short motivatonal videos they provide (free). HIGHLY RECOMMEND :smthumbup:


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