# My D-Day



## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

December 18, 2011.

I discovered my husband was having an affair with his best friend's fiance. There is no proof they had sex but I don't believe he is telling me the truth. I am not sure if it even matters because the damage has been done regardless. 

I have no one to talk to and if I didn't tell someone who could actually offer me something I think I may explode.

I am so sad. I am so confused. I am so horribly angry. I can't think. I cry over everything.

Any suggestions to regain some order in my life?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I take it from what you said, that you confronted your H.

What was said, how did your H. react, and what have you done since then in re: your mge.

You have to stand up for yourself, no matter what---life does go on.

At this point have you decided what you wanna do about your mge.

Is your H. remorseful, contrite, is he asking to stay in the mge.

Also you need to tell his best friend, what you know, so he doesn't go ahead with his mge, not knowing he has a cheating fiancee!!!!------


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

1) expose the affair
2) see a lawyer to know your options
3) see a doctor for STD testing and to help with anxiety and depression

would need to know more to figure out the rest


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Since your situation is one of double betrayal and potentially violent one, be careful on how you inform his best friend. His best friend deserves to know the truth.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

I wanted to update my initial post now that I am two months out and can occasionally breathe without forcing myself to.

I took the advice from this post and the many others I have read and did some of the important first steps. I certainly exposed him to everyone but his mother (I just couldn't do it to her).

My DH seems remorseful and has met most of the qualifications of such. Due to this and the fact that I believe I still love him I made the very quick decision of working on the R. He seems to be doing well. Me? Not so much.

I used to be confident, decisive and, generally speaking, a pretty low maintenance kind of girl. Now? I am miserable, wishy washy, doubt even the blue sky above my head and feel so needy I gross myself out. I am not loving me at all.

There is no doubt I am clinically depressed (which I shall be chatting with my doc about) as I don't even want to be around the people who used to bring me nothing but happiness and joy; my kids.

My mind is no longer my own. I have crazy thoughts and fantasies about killing myself, about leaving and never coming back, about killing the OW, about doing the same thing to my DH, rubbing his nose in it and wrecking his life. You name it actually...if the thought is insane I am thinking it it seems at any given moment. While I have no worries of doing any of these things, I feel like I am possessed and I really don't like it.

The single most uncharacteristic thing I have ever done in my life is to stay with my husband after his affair and while it may have been the best move for my husband and my family, it may very well be killing me as the person I was is no longer here.

The worst part is probably the fact I have no one to confide in as I am the "head" of my family and friends. I am the one that helps solves the problems, I am the one everyone comes to with woes and heartaches, etc. So defined is my role that I literally have no one I can confide in that doesn't fall apart when I fall apart. 

What do I do now? Hell if I know. I just am working on life one day at a time but I am not seeming to have a great deal of success with that either.

Well that is my sad story as of today. I have hope that my as I chronicle my journey in all of this that my next update is not so damn pitiful! ray:


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm going through the same thing you are, except this is the second go-around in my life.

You're not alone and you are certainly going through a normal grief cycle.

My doc just put me on Zoloft last week. Its seems to be helping. I don't seem to be going through the dips like I was last week.

Get to a doctor and get an antidepressent.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you taken back some of your selfesteem by exposing his cheating to his friend? 

A lot of the pain you feel may be carrying the lies for him by covering up his cheating. Exposing it will help you in a big way.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

This is really heartbreaking, and one of the main reasons why I'm not in favour of reconciliation. The pain is simply not worth it. I didn't go into a relationship to be tortured like this for years. There are too many opportunists out there to fall in love again. It's sad to see you've become a shell of your former self. 

But regarding your husband, his best friend's fiancée? really?!?! that's the scummiest thing a person can do. I don't know how you look let alone trust a person like that again.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> I'm going through the same thing you are, except this is the second go-around in my life.
> 
> You're not alone and you are certainly going through a normal grief cycle.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the kind advice. While I feel anything but normal it is nice to hear that I may very well be just that! lol



Shaggy said:


> Have you taken back some of your selfesteem by exposing his cheating to his friend?
> 
> A lot of the pain you feel may be carrying the lies for him by covering up his cheating. Exposing it will help you in a big way.


Shaggy, I went berserk. I found out about the EA/PA (still not confident how far it went) via FB. The first call I made was to my husband. The second was his "best friend". The third was to my father in law.

My DH works with his best friend and his best friend let everyone at work know. The only person that doesn't know is my mother-in-law and that is just a matter of time. She and I were/are very close and since DDay, I cannot really speak to her as I could not possibly keep the lie going for any length of time.



Complexity said:


> This is really heartbreaking, and one of the main reasons why I'm not in favour of reconciliation. The pain is simply not worth it. I didn't go into a relationship to be tortured like this for years. There are too many opportunists out there to fall in love again. It's sad to see you've become a shell of your former self.
> 
> But regarding your husband, his best friend's fiancée? really?!?! that's the scummiest thing a person can do. I don't know how you look let alone trust a person like that again.


I try to downplay it to myself but you are right, it is heartbreaking. I also did not marry this man to be tortured, quite the contrary actually.

And, again, you are right...it is right up there on the list of "scummiest things to do" and I honestly have no idea how I will ever trust him again. I truly have a hard time even looking him in the eye because this sludge of love and hate boils up within in me and I have either an uncanny urge to knock his teeth out or become hysterical. Neither one works for me.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

BTW - I think you're feelings are 100% reasonable considering everything that has happened.

Simply - you're not crazy by any measure.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

BF's fiance!?!? - Wow.

What did BF do when he found out?


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> BF's fiance!?!? - Wow.
> 
> What did BF do when he found out?


As crazy as this sounds, not a whole lot. He did let everyone at work know what my DH did but aside from that he never went off on my DH, he didn't dump his fiance or go 1/10th as crazy as I did.

He did get a new job this week, out of state, and will be gone by Thursday which is no small relief to me.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

The BF is still gonna marry that girl? Oh, boy you better give him this site because I have a feeling he's gonna need it.

As to your husband and you, it seems like you're just gonna bite the bullet and take one for the team. Not gonna work, it'll come back and haunt you down the road.

Every little thing he does wrong, every little thing he forgets, every little thing that isn't done the way you wanted will get logged into something called resentment. It'll build over the years and very slowly, you won't even realize it's happening until one day you wake and and can't even stand to look your husband in the face anymore.

Just him talking will piss you off, leave while you can because from what you've posted, you are not ready to R with your husband at all at this point. Get yourself put back together 1st and then see if you still want to R .


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Falene said:


> As crazy as this sounds, not a whole lot. He did let everyone at work know what my DH did but aside from that he never went off on my DH, he didn't dump his fiance or go 1/10th as crazy as I did.
> 
> He did get a new job this week, out of state, and will be gone by Thursday which is no small relief to me.


Is he taking the fiance with him when he moves? Is he still friends with your husband?

I cannot believe that he would let this go. If he does then there is more to this story than you know.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

TRy, he is taking the fiance with him and I also cannot believe he is letting it go either.

When I first told my DH's best friend I was shocked by his lack of anger and shock. I immediately asked myself if this was a threesome gone bad and I straight out asked him if it was the case. It the was most reaction I got out of him and he was taken back that I could even ask such a thing.

The only thing I can say about my DH's best friend is that he is the most passive man I have ever met.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

First deal with yourself. Your anger. Your desparation. Your lonliness. Your Grief.

Then come to your kids, I think you have.

The damage you do by exposing him comes next. First collect yourself. You are important to you. Love yourself first. You did nothing wrong to face this. Believe me.

With anti-depressants and counseling you will come to terms with reality. Until then, this is a wait.... How long, it depends on your waking up....to yourself.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Falene said:


> I try to downplay it to myself but you are right, it is heartbreaking. I also did not marry this man to be tortured, quite the contrary actually.
> 
> And, again, you are right...it is right up there on the list of "scummiest things to do" and I honestly have no idea how I will ever trust him again. I truly have a hard time even looking him in the eye because this sludge of love and hate boils up within in me and I have either an uncanny urge to knock his teeth out or become hysterical. Neither one works for me.


Do you think you're with him for you children and the stability of a family or is it because you genuinely love him?


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Complexity said:


> Do you think you're with him for you children and the stability of a family or is it because you genuinely love him?


I genuinely love him but if we did not have children I would have immediately left him. Our children provided me with the "pause" if you will. Otherwise, the door would not have had a chance to hit me in the arse on the way out.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Falene said:


> I genuinely love him but if we did not have children I would have immediately left him. Our children provided me with the "pause" if you will. Otherwise, the door would not have had a chance to hit me in the arse on the way out.


So sorry you're going through this Falene. I wish you the best.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Falene---Your children, are not a reason, for you to live in misery----they are living in an environment that is probably toxic at best---even if your H, is doing his heavy lifting, and minding his P's and Q's, you are both still probably walking on eggshells---that is not a very kid friendly envirnment.

Besides the kids, why are you staying----can you honestly tell me, there is a major amt. of love there for your straying H., or are you staying cuz, you don't wanna major change in your life, and now you will have to deal with the world on your own

Why is your H., staying---please do not tell me he loves you---anyone who destroys a family, which included his own 2 flesh and blood kids, and did it willingly, and happily, cannot love them----if he truly loved you----we wouldn't be here would we.

You and you alone---have to face your future----you and you alone, must decide what is best for you---somewhere in the future, your kids will be out of your house, and then it is, if you R., you and your H., who willing destroyed you, or it might be you on your own, really enjoying a new life, cuz the person, who destroyed you, is long gone, and out of your life.

What is it you want for your future???????


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Go to this page and read it with your husband. Its the Wayward Spouse instructions. It might just help you. Scroll down to the 11th post. Good luck and prayers for your family.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...sided-need-perspective-please.html#post534068


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## workitout (Jan 24, 2012)

I just read through this one, and I feel for you. I really do.

The lack of trust is so hard to deal with. I know in my situation, I gave my DW a second chance, only to find out that it was wasted effort on my part.


I do agree with the others that say that if you're only reason for trying to work it out is the kids, then you're better off splitting. Kids will pick up on the hostility, and it won't be comfortable for anyone.

Know that you can always confide in those that are here. I've found sharing with the people here extremely helpful, when coupled with good one on one counseling.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

jnj express said:


> Hey Falene---Your children, are not a reason, for you to live in misery----they are living in an environment that is probably toxic at best---even if your H, is doing his heavy lifting, and minding his P's and Q's, you are both still probably walking on eggshells---that is not a very kid friendly envirnment.


I would be lying if I said the kids aren't a part of my decision for trying to work it out, of course they are, but I also agree with you that a poor environment for them would be equally disastrous.

Prior to DDay I would have said that my DH was an exceptional father and though I know that not to be the case now, my kids are none the wiser.



jnj express said:


> Besides the kids, why are you staying----can you honestly tell me, there is a major amt. of love there for your straying H., or are you staying cuz, you don't wanna major change in your life, and now you will have to deal with the world on your own


I am good with change. If he poofed tomorrow I would have no issue taking care of business. I actually play this scenario over and over in my head as a sort of fantasy.

Do I love him? I think I do but to be quite honest my emotions are so jumbled right now I can't seem to be sure of anything anymore.





jnj express said:


> Why is your H., staying---please do not tell me he loves you---anyone who destroys a family, which included his own 2 flesh and blood kids, and did it willingly, and happily, cannot love them----if he truly loved you----we wouldn't be here would we.


On this there is no question, I do not believe he loves me for the very reasons you mention. I am also questioning his commitment to his children. Please keep in mind, that there was no doubt in his head that if he ever fooled around on me I would dump him. He made his choices based on that assumption.



jnj express said:


> You and you alone---have to face your future----you and you alone, must decide what is best for you---somewhere in the future, your kids will be out of your house, and then it is, if you R., you and your H., who willing destroyed you, or it might be you on your own, really enjoying a new life, cuz the person, who destroyed you, is long gone, and out of your life.
> 
> What is it you want for your future???????


What do I want? I want to wake up and find out that this was all a horrible nightmare and that my life is still intact. If I can't have that, I honestly have no idea what I want because that is all that I want.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Go to this page and read it with your husband. Its the Wayward Spouse instructions. It might just help you. Scroll down to the 11th post. Good luck and prayers for your family.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...sided-need-perspective-please.html#post534068


Chapparal, thank you for this. I actually gave this to him about a week ago. He seems to be nothing but remorseful and has put forth a visible effort in working this through with me. As horrible as this sounds, I am not sure it means as much to me as it should.

I appreciate your kindness and prayers. I need all the help I can get.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

workitout said:


> I just read through this one, and I feel for you. I really do.
> 
> The lack of trust is so hard to deal with. I know in my situation, I gave my DW a second chance, only to find out that it was wasted effort on my part.
> 
> ...


You touched on one of my greatest issues/fears in all of this...it happening it again. How could it happen once and not have happened before or not happen again? It is horrible.

Confide in the people here? It is so much more than that for me. The people here keep my head above water. Without this place...I would truly be alone. Words cannot convey what this website has given me.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

I plan on updating my original DDay post until I no longer feel the need.

I am a few days from seven months since I discovered my husband's affair. 

I feel very good about myself. I have made so much progress in this short time with a problem I have suffered from for as long as I can remember. I could not display anything but anger when my feelings are hurt. Now, it seems that I can allow my feelings to have a more appropriate outlet. This is huge for me and for this reason only the affair was not totally negative in this regard.

The problem is that as the time has passed...I think I would rather have just thrown him out. He is remorseful. He is transparent. The problem is that he seems incapable of dealing with his affair in a way that puts me at ease. He seems frustrated when I bring it up. I get a lot of blank stares. I get "I already told you how sorry I am". "How many more times do I have to tell you I am sorry". He lightly uses the fact that I admitted to him that I could have been a better wife against me with "Even you admitted you were ignoring me".

This past weekend:

My husband and the OW had this personal joke between them about a pea****(you know those birds with the crazy beautiful feathers). It supposedly had something to do with a movie she saw and he made me sit through (I am not a stupid movie kind of girl and I don't even remember the name of it). When the four of us got together they mentioned it several times. Suffice it to say that the word/image "pea****" does not bring up happy times for me.

On Saturday, my husband brings me over to the computer and tells me he wants to buy something. Take a guess? A fecking pea****! I fell apart. In less that 20 seconds I was almost hyperventilating.

He apologizes and says he "forgot" about the pea**** joke between the two of them. How could that be true? HOW COULD THAT BE TRUE? It isn't the first time "pea****" has come up.

Anyways...I did not have the best day. I gathered my emotions and went rollerskating with him and the kids. Later on that night, after I retreated to sew for the evening, he went to bed and we started bickering. He said I just checked out. Uhm? Yeah! I felt like barfing the entire time we were rollerskating. I was working very hard to control myself all day. Never once did he check in with me. He just ignored me. That was almost as painful as the "pea****" incident.

The next day I send him a link I want him to read about what I am going through. I know he isn't going to read it, he wouldn't read it the last time I asked him to, so I put a random question in it at the end.

When he gets home I ask what the answer to the question is. He has no idea what I am talking about. I ask him if he read it and he says yes. Lie. He then says he got busy at work. He then admits that he did go back to the computer but did not go back to finish reading it. And the icing on the cake: He says he read it the last time I sent it to him. Lie? Or did he read the whole thing and never once thought it was important to me that he attempt to implement something from it?

I am rambling....sorry.  Anyways, I am warping at record speed here. My feelings are jumbled again. I feel like I am slipping backwards. What I do know and believe is that the kind of man I want to be with would have read what I sent him no matter what.

I gave my word that I would work on our marriage and I will but I am not sure I can carry my load by myself and he certainly isn't stepping up to help me.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I had my husband sit down in our living room as I read aloud from Not Just Friends until I was good and done. I didn't read more than a few pages but there is so much stuff in there that spoke to me verbatim I wanted him to hear it. No way was I going to 'send him a link,' because there was no good way to prove he'd read it. (This was early days, things are better now.)

I have to say, I'd be beyond hurt with that peac*ck stuff. The fact that he isn't sensitive to it really, really blows.

Are you in marriage counseling? Because that is something I'd bring up with the counselor sitting there. I know the counselor would kindly but firmly tell my husband that he better figure out that peac*cks are a bad word in your house and are never to be mentioned again if he wants to have a happy marriage.

By the way, the other thing our excellent counselor did was walk through my husband's affair and asked him detailed questions on what did / didn't go down physically, including probing about when they might or might not have had opportunities to be alone, etc. Your counselor should be putting your husband on the hotseat and grilling him (carefully, because he doesn't want him to quit--but he wants solid answers).


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

Farlene, sorry you're going through this, but i can relate. Your husband sounds like he's just not doing enough. Have you asked him to read anything on how you feel?

His attitude to that might show you his level of remorse. When I gave my CW material to read, she basically ignored it. That spoke volumes, and has driven me further away from her.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

We have not entered into MC...no medical insurance.

In all fairness, I should say he did come home last night with the answer to the question so he either actually read it or scanned through it to the bottom. 

I also feel that his behavior is an insight to his true level of remorse. 

I am throwing time, patience and love at this one. I am not going to accept less than what I deserve. I wouldn't expect him to either.

Time will tell.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Falene said:


> We have not entered into MC...no medical insurance.
> 
> In all fairness, I should say he did come home last night with the answer to the question so he either actually read it or scanned through it to the bottom.
> 
> ...


Falene,

You are throwing time, patience and love into your marriage but is your husband?

It takes two to get married. It takes two to be married. And it takes two to stay married.

In addition to his Affair what you really need to be concerned about and address is his level of commitment to you, your marriage and your family.

The keyword being commitment.

Do not settle for less. His level of commitment should be equal to yours. 100% + 100% = Commitment.

And to be honest I have been a lug head in the past with respect to my wife's sensitivities in the past. But I always listen to her. One of my few redeeming traits.

Good Luck and Do not get frustrated.

HM64


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

My husband is a walking contradiction.

If you compare my husband to all the fathers in our circle he stands way above them. He is hands on and spends tons of time with them. He is one of the few fathers I have seen that really engage with their kids.

Those children he treats so well are part of the group of "family". He also put his family at great risk by having an affair. Where did his high regard for his children go when he decided to continually hop in the back of a car with his best friend's fiance? I have no idea.

He also destroyed (almost destroyed?) his marriage by having an affair. Where was the love and commitment he says he has for me when he felt empowered to take my young children to a park so he could meet up with her? I have no idea.

My husband is a horrible communicator. His favorite response is a blank stare which is maddening to say the least. Words cannot convey how much harder his inability to communicate has made the R for me.

I am in a better place today but wonder if I am self sabotaging by the continual doubt that is present in my mind regarding the R? I just can't shake the feeling I should have kicked him out on 12/18/11. Just like I couldn't shake the feeling that something was going on between him and the OW.

Again, time will tell I guess and if it all blows up in my face at least I can honestly say I tried my best.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

And all you can ask yourself is "Did I try my hardest to save my marriage?"

And when you get frustrated enough take a step back. Hell, leave him with the kids for a few days.

That will make him think of you.....


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I don't want to sound judgmental Falene, but do you truly consider what you're doing reconciliation? It takes both of you and a lot of heavy lifting on his part. If he sits silently with a "blank stare" then it just doesn't sound like he's doing his part.

Maybe try another angle: How about tell him you would like to ask him questions BUT they will be written down. If you have say like 20 questions give him 2 days to answer them. Regret214 and I write in an online journal. She is a tough nut to crack at times after an entire lifetime of being taught she needs to control everything in her life.

It helped immensely. Not only for me but for her to feel comfortable about opening up. When she would come home from work and us "talking" to each other in our journal, we would sit and talk on our deck. Now, she and I can sit and talk for hours without hesitation or a need to write it out first.

Just a thought.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Falene said:


> My husband is a horrible communicator. His favorite response is a blank stare which is maddening to say the least. Words cannot convey how much harder his inability to communicate has made the R for me.


I am asking this, not to accuse or blame you, but simply to see if it could hold an answer to you. Is there any chance that your H has a blank stare, because he knows no matter how he answers, it will turn into a fight/screaming match?? Is there any chance that your reactions to his attempts to communicate could make him think that being quiet and avoiding is easier? Such as, if I answer this question, she is going to blow up, storm around, call me names, whereas if I just stay silent, she will be mad but then get over it?


I will admit, I have not always had the best reactions when my hubby tried to communicate with me  only reason I ask!


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

That's a great point Dawn. Regret knew...just knew that my seething remarks, even if I didn't scream, they would hurt her. It's one of the reasons we listened to advice here (on her very first thread back in April) about starting the online journal.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> I don't want to sound judgmental Falene, but do you truly consider what you're doing reconciliation? It takes both of you and a lot of heavy lifting on his part. If he sits silently with a "blank stare" then it just doesn't sound like he's doing his part.
> 
> Maybe try another angle: How about tell him you would like to ask him questions BUT they will be written down. If you have say like 20 questions give him 2 days to answer them. Regret214 and I write in an online journal. She is a tough nut to crack at times after an entire lifetime of being taught she needs to control everything in her life.
> 
> ...





DawnD said:


> I am asking this, not to accuse or blame you, but simply to see if it could hold an answer to you. Is there any chance that your H has a blank stare, because he knows no matter how he answers, it will turn into a fight/screaming match?? Is there any chance that your reactions to his attempts to communicate could make him think that being quiet and avoiding is easier? Such as, if I answer this question, she is going to blow up, storm around, call me names, whereas if I just stay silent, she will be mad but then get over it?
> 
> 
> I will admit, I have not always had the best reactions when my hubby tried to communicate with me  only reason I ask!





SomedayDig said:


> That's a great point Dawn. Regret knew...just knew that my seething remarks, even if I didn't scream, they would hurt her. It's one of the reasons we listened to advice here (on her very first thread back in April) about starting the online journal.


I am updating my journey but I want to address these wise comments first. 

Someday, you were correct in questioning whether it was a reconciliation or not. I was doing the heavy lifting. I was the one that worried about rebuilding the relationship every waking moment. I must say in all fairness, he would totally disagree with this.

I think your suggestion about the online journal is a great one and could have helped I think, unfortunately he has not been open to actively working on the R. He swears he works hard but I honestly cannot agree with that or even find consistent proof of that. I swear I often think he may be delusional.

DawnD, you were dead on and I know my husband would especially agree with you. I try my best but often when we tried to discuss things I would go ballistic though I am getting better every day in controlling my emotions. I can't help it. The ****er had an affair! On top of that, he has pretty much lied to me on a variety of issues the entire marriage. He has made inappropriate porn use his own personal hobby which included webcam action and contacting couples/women using private photos we had taken. After we were together for five years and our first child was born he started drinking. There is is no doubt he is now dependent on alcohol, no doubt at all. Add to that his inability to actively participate in the R....hell yes I lose it when he tries to take the very little he has done since DDay and try and make it seem he actually did anything of value!


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

*UPDATE: Ding Dong The R Is Dead.*

Sometime towards the end of August my husband began to delete his internet history again. 

I would wake up in the middle of the night and he would be on the computer watching porn (which is totally fine with me). In the morning when I would take a peek, the history would be gone. I tried to convince myself that it was something else. I even, lightly, mentioned it to him and he would lie to me and say he wasn't. I reminded him again, several times, how upsetting it was/would be to me if he did that. I reminded him it was a deal breaker. He continued to do it and I, in my infinite wisdom, decided to pretend it wasn't happening. 

I took my first dose of Cymbalta on 08/28/12. The meds had a profound and immediate effect on me. I lost nine pounds in less than a month. Zombie was my middle name. It did help me to lie to myself about him deleting his internet history. The entire time I am on Cymbalta he is so worried about me taking it. Noting how my external behavior has changed but I never let him know that I am aware of what he was doing. I swear he thinks I am an idiot sometimes.

Anyways, I was here on TAM and I was reading someone's post and a website was mentioned. The post mentioned that this website had led to the OP's spouse hooking up with someone through the dating section. This was a website my husband had recently shown me. I briefly looked at it but did not catch the fact that it contains a webcam and dating portion....two HUGE issues in my relationship with him prior to the affair and he should have never been on that website. Deal breakers x 100.

<INSERT MASSIVE EMOTIONAL EXPLOSION>

That was the moment everything switched for me. 

I began to take the power cord out from the computer and my husband caught me. He went ballistic and I wasn't backing down. It resulted in a physical altercation over the possession of the power cord. I can honestly say I have never seen him like that before. I did make a play for the scissor when he busted me with the cord and he says that he was just trying to prevent me from destroying it. 

When he left for work the next day, I put passwords on the computer and made it so he could never surf porn again. While in the process of that, he came home from work. Round Two quickly followed. He was even more freaked out than the night before. It was much worse and neither one of us came out unscathed. He says he thought I was putting a key logger on it. That made no sense because I told him I was locking up so he could no longer disrespect me in my home. That is when Round Two started. I also asked him why I would worry about him deleting the internet history if I had a key logger installed. I would know where he was going and what he was doing. He said he was a dumbass (literally, that is what he always says when he gets caught in a lie and/or cannot explain himself).

I kept the computer locked for a day or two and then gave him full access. 

All of my emails, I have two, FB, and anything else personal are locked from him. I encouraged him to do the same.

For the first time in I don't know how long I have not checked up on him at all and I won't. He is free to do as he pleases outside of our home. As am I.

I am clearly damaged goods, had to be even before him, to put up with this crap. I will save myself the bitter details and just say my childhood was no picnic and I guess you could say neither was my adult life. I was a volunteer and I have since resigned my position.

Where am I today? Well, aside from the children required interaction, I avoid him like the plague. I think my stress will be down by 90% when I am out of this house because when he isn't home I am doing much better. When he gets home, a weight is on my chest. It is there even as I sleep because I wake up and I can feel it! It leaves when he goes to work. I can tell you this...I HATE HIS DAYS OFF!

He truly believes that he has done everything he can to repair the relationship and that I am lying to myself. He says he deleted the internet history because he was a dumbass and never did anything wrong. He said he thought I was okay with the webcam/dating website since he showed it to me and I didn't say anything. True or not, it doesn't matter.

He has also started to read all my posts here (Hello Todd!) and is now saying that TAM is a negative influence on me. I must say that I have used the internet to hide from reality in the past and that TAM does provide me the opportunity to wallow in other people's pain as well as celebrate in their successes while trying to actively ignore my own situation. He does have a point.

So, for a few reasons I am taking a break from TAM. I wish to have no relationship based conversation with him and he is constantly quoting me now to try and draw me into it. Having nothing to quote will take the wind out of his sails.

I also need to get my arse off the computer and start dealing with my own reality. I don't know which takes the greatest toll on me; the fails or successes but I am not sure it is good for me when I am still so raw. It is like a car accident, I can't help but stop and look.

The one year anniversary of DDay is coming up in December. I am not returning until after that. My best to all of you! I would not be as well off as I am without TAM!

*SUPER BIG HUGS*


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Hi Falene, so sorry to see you taking a break. Your presence was exteremely positive.
But I support you on your decision to face your relationships' issues head on and wish you the best. Hopefully, when we'll see you back in here, you'll be better.

Take care and be strong.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Sorry to see you taking a break but I sympathise with you.

Take it easy.


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## margrace (Aug 12, 2012)

i will miss you, falene. best wishes for better days ahead.


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

Hi Falene,
I am thinking of you and hoping that your days are getting easier. 
xx


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