# To trust, or not to trust?



## Paradaigm Lost (Jul 12, 2008)

There is so much for me to say, but I really don't want to make this post too long for all of you readers out there. Where should I begin?

Well, let me start out by saying that my wife and I have had a stormy relationship, pretty much since the beginning for various reasons. My main issue was her hurtful behavior. Her main issue was that I was aloof, unresponsive, and unloving. 

I have unending guilt over my actions -- or lack thereof, really.

Anyhow, early this year she had some internet friends come and stay with us. I always trusted her, and knew she would be out with male friends. I even knew that she would be staying at hotel rooms together. I had _this_ much confidence and trust in her. (Perhaps to a fault)

One day I get this unmistakable, pit-in-the-gut feeling that something has happened -- that she has cheated on me. I asked her if she had anything to tell. She responded with a no. But I still felt uneasy. So I did a little investigating. I discovered her MySpace page had listed her as divorced. This lead me further to see a correspondence with an old friend of hers. She stated that she was getting a divorce with me. Uhhhhhh, hello?!!? News to me!!! 

This lead me further down the rabbit hole. I discovered conversations she had, lurid, explicit, and sexual ones, with some guy on the internet. I was devastated, mainly because I trusted her so thoroughly and completely. Later I discovered that two years earlier, a similar emotional was going on. 

So at that point, I was going through a serious case of cognitive dissonance. Every thing I thought was true was now false, and it really did a number on my well being. It did a number on hers too, infinitely worse. She went through a mental breakdown. It took quite a long time to get her back to where she needed to be.

But then more stuff started popping up? How, you ask? Well, the trusting husband that I was was now either dying or dead. I became very suspicious, even though we reconciled in a _ver_ profound way. I mean, we re-exchanged vows, tears, sobbing, etc. We just collapsed in to each other.

But I couldn't push it from my mind, even though I wanted to so badly. The more I dug, the more I found. Even after our reconciliation, it became apparent that one of the men who visited her, and who was now living in our home, were having _some_ kind of an affair. 

I found pictures of condoms in a hotel room on her cell phone, when only the two of them were together. I confronted her. She explained that it was all in my mind, yada, yada, yada. It was circumstantial evidence, but it was also nothing to scoff at. She seemed adamant. I forgave her affront... again. 

Then I later find conversations of her with him, setting up rendezvous together. Mind you, the logs were now months old, but this was AFTER our epic reconciliation. What a slap in the face! But this time she now conceded that she had sexual feelings for him, but that they were never acted upon. She claims that she didn't want to tell me for fear of hurting me. I didn't believe her this time.... It took awhile, but eventually I did believe her. She seemed genuine. And remember, our marriage was never better after these incidents. So, we both were just trying to move beyond this.

But still my suspicions, the ones that torment me, got the better of me. I snooped again. I found more logs, this time where she admits to having the affair to an internet acquaintance. She goes in to great detail about it. But again, this took place months ago, about the same time-line. 

But I just found this TODAY!!! A few hours ago! So I again confront her, this time with indisputable evidence of her infidelity. This time she is not even upset. This time she is mad at me, saying that it was all an elaborate rouse to trick the guy she was divulging this information to. (I'm not even going to try and explain it. It sounds like such bull****, you all would be offended by hearing it because your intelligence would be insulted). 

Of course, I told her to leave. Actually, she saw the writing on the wall and made the decision to go herself. She denies any wrongdoing, other than what she admitted to, which were the internet conversations, and the continual lying and/or omissions about the guy staying in MY house!!!

I want to believe this woman, I really do, but come on!!! This is now bordering on the ridiculous. And even supposing that nothing did happen, the fact that I can't trust her is not conducive to a healthy relationship.

So whether I stay with my wife or not, how am I supposed to ever trust a woman again? I wasn't just betrayed once or even twice... this has become a habitual. And while I believe that she genuinely regrets all of it, and that she has stopped all of this, and that she loves me, and is also genuinely working to get passed this, the fact remains that I gave her ample opportunities to just spill all of it at once.

She opted to lie, which only prolonged this. 

In her mind this all transpired in one lump sum, which, according to the evidence, is true. However, new things kept surfacing. Instances where she lied have come up. So it's like a fresh wound every time. And now I am at the point where I think she's just a ****ing liar, period! I can't believe _anything_ she says now!

What would you do?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

You are better off without her. SHe is going to keep doing this to you again and again. Do you want your life like this? If you have kids do you know they are yours?

draconis


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Sorry to hear what all you've been put thru. It really is cruel. I'm going thru something similar with my husband. I found all sorts of evidence of infidelity, yet he denies it. His lies have been unbelievable! Honestly, the more they lie the easier it becomes. I've just quit trying to talk to my husband about our relationship. It would just be an opportunity for him to lie some more.


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