# Teenager not sure what to make out of parental situation



## phillipvsd (Jan 31, 2015)

I'm a 16 year old brother of a younger sister who is 7 years old. My parents have hit a rough patch in their relationship for as long as I can remember; they would always tend to quarrel ever since I was a little boy. I've heard people say that if your parents don't argue, then it something fishy might be going on, but I have come to realization that this is in fact false. My father is not the romantic type, but I sure know that he loves his family with the amount of hours spent at work and all the things he tries to do for us. Over the past decade we have visited over 10 areas in the Caribbean for various vacations, although slowly these family trips have come to a halt due to financial troubles. My father is a very stressed man, especially after the 9/11 attacks which he had to witness first hand. The emotional burden of loosing coworkers simply proved too much over these years. My parents slowly started to grow apart from each other. My mom began complaining that he doesn't provide enough attention to her, in a romantic manner that is. over the past year their arguments have escalated to the point that my father has threatened her with violence. Just recently I overheard my parents fighting at night, and discovered that my mother has been texting a man from her job for a certain period of time; the texts involved "i miss you, I love you, and some sexual references." She said out loud that she did not have an actual relationship with the man but only through her phone and the social network. This has seriously affected my father for I've noticed that he sulks more often but does not tell me the truth. I feel both disbelief and relief at the same time because I am fed up with their bull****. I am looking forward to a divorce (mentioned by my father a couple of times) for some odd reason because I feel that a fresh start is best for our mess of a family. I have kind of lost hope, especially with the stress i receive at school. Please help me out create a position on this situation. I also found out that my father has explained the incident to relatives and some family friends already.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Phillip: Whatever you do, go see your school counselor and relate this to them. They will see to it that you get the emotional support that you need! Do not be ashamed or embarrased to go ~ they are there tohelp!

It sounds as if your Mom and Dad need counseling as well! I'll be in prayer for you all! Please keep posting!*


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Phillip, your parents' marriage is not your concern. They are wrong to fight in a way that you can hear it, and certainly you should not be brought in on any details such as whatever your mom has been texting or what your dad's complaints are about her.

It is not your place to fix it nor to hasten a divorce.

I like the idea of you talking to a school counselor, but my general recollection is that the school counselors can be pretty inept. You might also seek out a trusted and respected adult, such as a church elder if you attend church or someone like an uncle or grandparent if you have a close and good relationship with them.

This is an area where you should evaluate the input you get from different people and come to your own conclusion what makes sense for you.

I am inclined to suggest you talk to both of your parents together. Tell them whatever is going on in their marriage should be kept private, and you don't want to hear their arguments or complaints any longer. If they need to discuss or argue about things, to please do it when you and your sister are not around.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I'm impressed with Philip's emotional maturity and articulate writing. I would not bother with school counselors. I have been in the same situation with my daughters at about his age give or take. 

There are two topics to ponder here. One is whether the marriage is fixable, and the other is whether the issues in the marriage impact Philip.

The first issue could be discussed with his dad but if dad is threatening violence I don't see a good way to do it. The second issue is likely to be true.

Philip, tell your mother - not father - that you feel stressed with all the screwed up family dynamic and would like the opportunity to talk to a therapist. Find someone who deals in adolescent issues and you can likely address the second issue and learn how to deal with the first issue a bit better.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Phillip: Actually, before I'd bring it to the attention of your school counselor, which was my original advice, I'd try talking to your minister at your church, or any church that you may feel inclined to go to with family and/or friends. They are usually well-trained in social matters like that, and can give you far better counseling advice than a school counselor can!*


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## PM1 (Aug 9, 2011)

I'm no expert, but it sure sounds like the father could be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder? I know that's become a popular thing to have these days, but first-hand experience of what went down on 9/11 is a very legit reason to feel stress. That could be a root cause of a lot of the issues, or if not, he should still try to get some help. I think it would help if they stay together or not.

Philip, I feel for you finding out what you have about your mother's choices too. I know from experience how confusing that can be. The best advice I can give is to try to keep that separate from your life as much as you can and keep doing your best in school, etc. You really do sound very mature and your sister is lucky to have a brother around like you.

Like others said, don't be embarrassed to seek help and/or counseling.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

There definitely could be PTSD at play here without question. Definitely see someone who is very familiar with PTSD, boundaries and biblical issues. I have found these to be the best counselors.

I am so sorry you are experiencing this at your age. It makes me think of my own son who just turned six and how important it is his Dad and I stay on the right track in reconciliation.

Thank you for sharing your story. I also echo the other thoughts here that your thoughts/articulation are impressive for your age.


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