# Thinking about separation



## Johnny123 (May 3, 2021)

Hi people - I am 35 years old and thinking about separating from my wife. We have a 2 year old child and we have been together for 12 years. Our relationship had ups and downs mostly due to me trying to get her to bond more with my family and she being ignorant to my needs. She has anger issues and has disrespected me multiple times even in front of either of our families. The bridge for me was crossed when she accused me of domestic violence even though she was the one hitting me. I see her often yell at our 2 year old and finds nothing wrong with it . I don’t know anyone personally who has been separated or divorced and I know my partner will make my life incredibly difficult when I will tell her that I want to separate. I know there is no other way and I keep finding excuses to stay just for a bit more for my child who I love to bits..please help..


----------



## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

A few questions:
Why do you need her to bond more with your family?
Why would you leave a 2-year-old alone with her if she's unstable _(assuming your separation keeps her with the kid)_
What do you expect the separation to accomplish?


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

There is no way that I would leave my 2 year old with someone who thinks it's ok to treat them this way. You had a child knowing what she is like, now you are going to abandon that little child to someone who you say is so bad that you want to leave her? Even if you get joint custody the little one will be with her alone for half the time at least.


----------



## Johnny123 (May 3, 2021)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> A few questions:
> Why do you need her to bond more with your family?
> Why would you leave a 2-year-old alone with her if she's unstable _(assuming your separation keeps her with the kid)_
> What do you expect the separation to accomplish?


I wanted her to bond with people important to me as to me that’s what normal people do. However the least I expected her to do was show respect which her actions have again proved otherwise. 
I would never want to separate my daughter from her mother, my issues with her anger notwithstanding I know she loves our daughter ..Separation would enable me to start being happy ..it’s better to be alone than live on eggshells with someone I don’t see I can be happy with


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Johnny123 said:


> I wanted her to bond with people important to me as to me that’s what normal people do. However the least I expected her to do was show respect which her actions have again proved otherwise.
> I would never want to separate my daughter from her mother, my issues with her anger notwithstanding I know she loves our daughter ..Separation would enable me to start being happy ..it’s better to be alone than live on eggshells with someone I don’t see I can be happy with


From what you have written here it sounds like you may be making up some excuses to leave your wife and we do not exactly have the full picture.

1. Is your wife local (i.e. from the same country as you?).
2. Do you bond with her family/friends or go out of your way to do so?
3. It sounds like your wife is very frustrated. Anger can be a sign of many things, neglect in a marriage, issues from FOO, depression etc.
4. Has your wife's life changed since having your daughter, any big adjustments? Who in the marriage is making the adjustments, your wife, both of you? I ask because sometimes women have to sacrifice so much more to have children than their male spouses, life goes on for the latter. 
5. How was your relationship prior to having your daughter? 

just trying to get a sense of what is happening


----------



## Johnny123 (May 3, 2021)

aine said:


> From what you have written here it sounds like you may be making up some excuses to leave your wife and we do not exactly have the full picture.
> 
> 1. Is your wife local (i.e. from the same country as you?).
> 2. Do you bond with her family/friends or go out of your way to do so?
> ...


Yes, we are both from the same cultural background. Let me try and share more details..It is complicated and I am trying to untangle this mess..
The issue is in my mind is not just the recent events but what I have felt through the entire relationship.Things have never been best and I have always felt she created issues and fights on petty things related to my family..Example - she had issues when I wanted to spend some dollars for my brothers gym for a couple months when he came visiting but she is ok to send thousands back to her family without consulting me..She recently crossed the line when she abused my family and friends humiliated me over a misunderstanding ..she has since apologised but it doesn’t make any difference anymore ..I have lost all feelings for her and don’t trust her with anything..the way she yells at our daughter just validates her nature and I don’t believe I connect with someone like her anymore ..I have tried couples counselling and giving things time but something is switched off inside me now


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

You need to separate as soon as possible. You don't need her permission. What you do need is supervision. She has already proven that she will falsely accuse you of domestic violence. Where I live, they always trust the woman, and you will end up in jail. Your best bet may be to talk with a divorce lawyer who can advise you how to protect yourself. 

You still have an issue with your daughter. You say your wife loves her, but then you say, "the way she yells at our daughter just validates her nature." You can't have it both ways. 

Have you met someone else? Your story is still hard to understand.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Life, and its many present stressors ( ex., the Wuhan Virus, and its impact on the world economy) has gotten to her.

And, as a result you and your child suffer for it.

She sounds unstable, which makes her a poor life partner. Who needs this?

Separate, and see if she straightens out.

Alas, expect the worst, look ahead to the likely divorce.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

There really doesn't appear to be any middle ground here. You have to take the reigns for your and your child's lives and do the best thing which is get custody, leave her, D, and go speedily into your new life without her.

Usually there is some indication that with more give and take, things may work out but here it just doesn't seem so.

Best wishes, you can do it.

If you don't just remember you're now seeing what the rest of your life will be like unless YOU make changes.


----------



## Johnny123 (May 3, 2021)

Sfort said:


> You need to separate as soon as possible. You don't need her permission. What you do need is supervision. She has already proven that she will falsely accuse you of domestic violence. Where I live, they always trust the woman, and you will end up in jail. Your best bet may be to talk with a divorce lawyer who can advise you how to protect yourself.
> 
> You still have an issue with your daughter. You say your wife loves her, but then you say, "the way she yells at our daughter just validates her nature." You can't have it both ways.
> 
> Have you met someone else? Your story is still hard to understand.


Well I can’t control my partner’s nature and I don’t like it but doesn’t mean I want to take our daughter away from her..And, no I haven’t met anyone else ..I just don’t see myself being happy in this relationship ..I have consulted a divorce coach to protect myself as I don’t know how she will react when I tel her that I want to split ..It’s all the overthinking that is killing me ..part of me wants to ride it out till my daughter is a bit grown but then it just is so gard to keep pretending that we are together ..


----------



## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Well, she can't be _that_ bad, if you have no trouble leaving your 2 year old child with her, right?

It kinda sounds like some rewriting history to me, to give you an excuse for walking out on your responsibilities, but maybe that's just me.

Why separate? Why not just get on with the divorce so you can be single again?


----------



## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Johnny123 said:


> I wanted her to bond with people important to me as to me that’s what normal people do. However the least I expected her to do was show respect which her actions have again proved otherwise.
> I would never want to separate my daughter from her mother, my issues with her anger notwithstanding I know she loves our daughter ..Separation would enable me to start being happy ..it’s better to be alone than live on eggshells with someone I don’t see I can be happy with


Separation implies a break, that there is some notion of coming back or working things out. You don't seem to convey that as being possible. So, why aren't you just ending it? I'm not sure what bonding means in this case. I agree you should be courteous to your spouses family, but I don't believe anything north of that is a necessity. There is an old adage about marrying the spouses family. I've always though that was horsesh*t. But I don't think it's a lot to ask for them to be polite.

I don't quite understand how you leave a 2 year old with a woman you define as imbalanced, given to physical violence and anger - not to mention one who is foolish with money. _Something not quite right there. _I'm guessing s there are a few things missing from your post. What for example, is your responsibility or what faults of yours have contributed to your current situation?


----------

