# Seriously..



## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

It's going to be four months this Sunday since my husband walked out. Most of you know what's been going on, he's talking about getting a house share miles away from us, he seems to be moving further & further from me, I miss him so much, today, I'm not coping that well today, I feel like he's so detached, that he feels nothing, yet, I cant turn off my feelings, I'm sat here crying, wishing he'd just call me, tell me he's made a mistake, he does want to be with me... 

I started a serious no contact routine a couple of days ago, reviewing the 180 list, but seriously, what are the chances of him missing me? I keep seeing peoples posts where they have little glimmers of home, yet my H, is saying us spending time together is not a good idea....yet he texts me & asks how I'm feeling.. is that coz he feels obligated?.. he said he can't see his feelings ever changing... yet a few days before he was saying he wanted to see how we went... I mean should I carry on with no contact (everyone says too) or be nice, talk to him... how long has your separation lasted? I want him home more than anything, I just want a chance, but I'm not begging.

Please someone give me advice, some hope, right now.. I feel like I do need him, he always said he fit me like a glove, he'd wrap his arms around me & Id feel so safe. I'm scared.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

AmI ...i have no advice for you but just wanted to say that i'm crying with you...this is all so F..ed up...so much pain...
i don't know how i would be behaving knowing that H. is in the same town with me,that i can call or text and he could come if i want to see him....no idea ...now that H. he is 5 hrs away i don't have the temptation...
stray strong,you 're so brave girl...i admire you for who you are
((((BIG HUGS))))


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

He saw my fb status which just said: .. that is all..

And he just text me saying:

I'm probably the last person you want to hear this from but I am here if you want to talk.

I don't want to talk about anything, I want him to come and hold me, tell me he loves me, and just curl up with me, watching crap tv, playing with my hair.. I just want my husband back..

Vivea, I am sobbing, my 3 year old, just hugged me, she said "Don't cry my beautiful Mummy, I love you"...


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Hey, it's it's getting close to 4 months for me too...ive done the chase phase, the ignore phase, the return calls phase...I've done it all...

The only time I've had a positive response during any of those phases was when she saw that I wasn't sitting on my azz waiting for her to make a move...when I took those moments when I used to sit around waiting on her to work on me...working out, running...reading self-help books...when I was working on my own life and moving forward, that was when she would get busy and start talking to me...

When she did that and I fell into her trap and started waiting on her again, she would become invisible again, she knew she still had all the power...

Now I work on me constantly and if she wants to work on us, I find time, but it is on my terms...suddenly she wants to work on us a lot...but it seems the balance of power has switched sides...

until you feel safe again in your own arms, he has the power...work on you...get to love yourself again as just yourself...he will see that self confidence grow...and if it is meant to be, he'll start working harder to get you back...

if not, your 2 steps ahead of the game moving on...this is ME time and take advantage of it!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

DjF said:


> When she did that and I fell into her trap and started waiting on her again, she would become invisible again, she knew she still had all the power...


I do that too, (sorry if I am repeating myself)

I went away for a couple of days with the children, and I didn't tell him anything, when he called, I was busy talking ( I really was) and he text me saying he was going out so he'd call the kids in the morning, he did, he spoke to them and I hung up..

A few minutes later I got a text msg:

H 'can I ask you something' 

M: 'Of course'

H 'Thursday night was a bit hazy and my phone ****ed up & wiped my msgs, did you send me a msg about I us?'

M 'Thursday was hazy for me too, but yes I think I did, but almost a week on, it doesn't matter does it?'

H 'I only just remembered yesterday'

M 'well seeing how you feel the msg doesn't matter'

He said 'ok, well I just wanted to know'

M 'why?'

H 'doesn't matter, just felt bad when I realised I hadn't said anything about it'

M 'All you would have said is 'what do you want me to do with that' or 'ok' I can't fix anything. I'll let you get on'

I did text him nicely after that, as I stupidly thought he was thinking about me... BUT on thinking about it..He knew I was away, why ask me about a msg I'd sent almost a week before?... why wait that long or ask me when he called... then he called the following day asking for the '5 minute chat' Again why do it when I am away?... I gave away power again


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

I have been through a breakup before...i loved him but i chose to say good bye because he was stuck and hiding behind a big wall...i'm talking about i guy i dated before my H.
I moved on with my life and he went crazy ...3 months later he chased me like never before...proposed to me told me he loved me ...it' was too late for me and I cried because i wanted that only 3 months ago...

Now i thought i could do that with H. but it's the hardest thing...we have kids together,my maternal instinct tells me to fight for him for them...so they can grow up with their own father as a father figure...that makes me extremely weak...i'm not as strong because of them if that makes any sense...they should make me stronger but they don't...i mean they do but in a different way not with my H. plus our relationship was not destructive ..the problems were minimal and he is a wonderful father so I want him for me but mostly for them...
If it was just me i could sit around and wait for him ...but my kids have to wait too... it breaks my heart for them...so yeah i'm walking on a thin line...i would love for him to chase me and probably would have happened but i just can't wait...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I am the same with my children, believe me  I hate that he only see's them once a week and alot of our talks about getting back together, revolve around the kids, and he said he couldn't come back just for them... even though he loves me? Go firgure


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Yeah H. also says "can't do it for the kids"...4 months ago though he said he could never leave them and now he's in a totally different mode... and now he is struggling with should he try with me...i can see he is struggling but i hope he decides to give it a try...
I just hope he doesn't do all this just so he can move me in SC for the kids...regardless though even if that is the case i will still have a shot...i'm willing to take it.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

He just sent me a msg on facebook, he said that he'd asked my son to pass me the phone (my son hung up after he said goodbye) And that he wanted to know how I was...

I didn't reply, just closed facebook.. I don't know this is the 3rd time today he's asked if I am ok? I love him so much, but I can't give any more power away  I can't cope with the rejection when I think we're doing well


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

AmImad~

You are still in contact. You may not email. You may not text (as much). But now you are in contact via facebook. 

Sweetone, the longer you stay in this contact, the longer you prolong your agony. If you could only actually end ALL CONTACT--I mean *ALL*...*ALL of it*. Every single bit! No phone, no texts, no email, no facebook, no IM's, no letters, no *NOTHING*...you could start to recover! It breaks my heart to see you suffer day-in and day-out knowing that you are doing this to yourself. 

Please, I implore you find a way to end ALL contact!!! You will probably need to find a friend who can take messages for you, because I guarantee once you really end contact he will try every trick possible to try to get you to contact him again--feigning depression, making up dramas or "emergencies", demanding, using the children...all kinds of tricks. That is because HE has issues that are his responsibility to work on and he won't face them. 

But before All that can happen, you just absolutely HAVE TO break this dependence on him. Delete your facebook page and stop looking at his!!!! Change your cell phone number. Close your email and start a new one. Do whatever you have to do to stop yourself from hurting yourself like this over and over and over. Seriously, please stop.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

somehow I get the idea you need to stop all contact...


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Hi AmImad.....I'm also 4 months separated from H. He left. I feel the same as you....just want it all to go away, him to say sorry, come back, say it was all a big mistake.

I'm crying a lot....it's very painful. 

He doesn't seem to be much affected -'getting on with his life'. We have very little meaningful contact by phone. I haven't even seen him at all for 4 months, I have a rough idea where he lives, but no address. Strong suspicions he is with someone else, although he denies. It's so hard. No advice but just to say, you're not alone x

p.s. only thing I would say is, I don't go on fb at all since we separated. I just prefer it that way....I don't need any extra pain...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Affaircare said:


> AmImad~
> 
> You are still in contact. You may not email. You may not text (as much). But now you are in contact via facebook.
> 
> ...


I really haven't contacted him, anything in regards to me or us, I have ignored, only replied briefly about our children. I haven't looked at his facebook page in a while, I am getting on with it, when he has spoken to me, I haven't let on, that I am upset or hurting, I've made him think that I am getting on with with my life, I want my marriage to work, if I cut all ties how is it going to work? The reason, I hadn't deleted him was because I know he'd be looking at it, and I have been upbeat, there have been pictures of me going out and having fun..I want him to see what he is missing out on.. His family are all friends of mine on there, so he could log in on his mums account to get info..

If I delete him from FB, he's going to be asking questions, like why did I? Etc...

How can I fix this if I just delete him from my life completely? I don't want a divorce..


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

AmI...i think you should send him a last message and tell him exactly that ,tell him you're open to fix things between you and him but he should contact you only when he/if he wants to work on the marriage,tell him until than you're moving on with your life.

I don't know honey...i'm sorry i have no other suggestion...


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

vivea said:


> AmI...i think you should send him a last message and tell him exactly that ,tell him you're open to fix things between you and him but he should contact you only when he/if he wants to work on the marriage,tell him until than you're moving on with your life.
> 
> I don't know honey...i'm sorry i have no other suggestion...


No, no, no! No more contact! None. 

She's tried telling him this before. At this point he'd probably just roll his eyes and go on with his day. He's heard it before. It's time for the action to start and the words to stop.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I haven't spoken to him. I've ignored his personal msgs, I'm scared it'll push him away further 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

I know what you mean...i was thinking to do the 180 if he doesn't agree on us giving it a try but I am so scared that if i cut him off that it would just give him another excuse to not try...I guess it really depends on person and the situation....?!
I really really hope it'll work for you...very very very soon.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

To answer your questions about how you repair it by going completely no contact, please take a look at this artlcle: 
What Happens in AffairLand?

This article shows the two ways it can go in "AffairLand." Right now you are doing the second option, and whether there is an active Other Person or not, both spouses are acting as if they are in the fog of infidelity. So they may or may not have one specific Other Woman, but they definitely are enjoying the "responsibility-free single life" and you are helping them. 

I am encouraging you with all I have to help them learn that AffairLand isn't the fantasy they thought it was. I am encouraging you to let them learn that if the grass on that side of the fence is greener, it's because there is more :bsflag:!!!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I understand, I had to read it a couple of times to sink in, I am so frightened of it all going wrong that I am just trying to clutch at straws. 

He went out this evening, he didn't tell me he was, and it occured to me just how much he is enjoying his single life, he doesn't have to answer to anyone, he doesn't have noisy kids in the house the morning after, when he has a hangover, he can come and go as he pleases... I am full time Mum, he takes them for a couple of hours on a Sunday.. I have told him he needs to take them more and it seems it is falling on deaf ears.. I am seeing a solicitor next week.

He is giving child support, but on Thursday he was moaning he was under stress and was telling me his salary was going to change and he wouldn't be able to give as much, I informed him the CSA will deal with it and take it straight out of his Salary. He got moody with me and snapped.. but then apologised when I didn't get upset.

While he is having all of this 'fun' going out as and when he wants etc.. when is he ever going to miss me? My 3 year old wanted to talk to him before bed, I dialled his number and handed her the phone, it went to answer phone.. he'd turned his phone off..

He sent me a text later on saying he got my msg about picking the kids up from my parents... he just said "Ok nps, have a nice night" There was nothing about my daughters msg.. It breaks my heart.

AC, I am trying so desperately to do the right thing, I don't want this to all end, but I do feel like I deserve better.. I am currently accepting crumbs, thinking they are more, then he knocks me back down again...

The only contact he has with me is via text and it's only about the children. I never reply when he is asking about me.. 
But I feel like if I ignore those msgs, he'll just think "Sod it, I tried to see how she was and now I wont bother" 

I have been a fool, I do want to be stronger, I really do. 
I've read and re-read the 180 it says: Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! I am trying that...but I have only really been doing it since Wednesday..


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Aren't you cold though when you do not answer messages or emails...that is what is confusing to me?
Can somebody shed a light ?!

--------------------
AmI i'm glad i don't even know when H. is going out ...with who and where,i do not see pictures.I don't even know his schedule for March ...no idea when he has days off,,,i actually prefer it that way because every time he has the day off i'm always wondering where is he and what is he doing....I feel free that way and won't even ask.
On Monday i'll change my phone number,i would like to have the local area code that's why....i won't tell him for the day and freak him out a little. I'm getting my drivers licence with my address here...obviously i'm not going anywhere anytime soon.I'm planning to smile to people more,because for the last 4 months i have been in a shell,did not even look around me much.
Just got back from a walk in the park with the kids,felt good somehow,decided to pay attention to the small things,got ice cream. May be tonight i'll go to the movies. I'm pushing myself to be happy and be positive not for a future with him but for my future.
I refuse to stop believing in LOVE and marriage,it'll be hard to trust again but i know that there are good people out there.I refuse to give up hope.
Well at least that is what i did today,we'll see tomorrow.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

See that's what confuses me too!

My H has told me when he was going out, but I just assumed he did last night... 

I hate that he is changing so much, he went out and has bought new clothes, that I never thought he would buy in a million years.. he's losing weight, looks different.. acts different... He's going out all the time, not having any parental responisibilties.. I can't see him ever thinking he's made a mistake and wanting to come back.. I need to move forward... but I just don't want to give up completely 

I broke down when he left today, I miss my bestfriend, I really do, the joking around, being silly, cuddles in the kitchen.. I wonder if he misses it too?


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> See that's what confuses me too!
> 
> I hate that he is changing so much, he went out and has bought new clothes, that I never thought he would buy in a million years.. he's losing weight, looks different.. acts different... He's going out all the time, not having any parental responisibilties.. I can't see him ever thinking he's made a mistake and wanting to come back.. I need to move forward... but I just don't want to give up completely


OK, from my point of view (being a male and all that!)
He lost weight and looks different, OK, I have lost 18kg (almost 40lb), yes, I look different

He bought new clothes that you thought he would never wear.
I am going to have to buy new clothes as the pants etc 'swim' on me now, my son is going to take me shopping, so I will be open to a less work orientated style of clothing which has been my usual style (jeans etc)

He's going out all the time, not having any parental responisibilties.
OK, so I am not going out all the time, I did go over to my sisters place, I did have some family & friends over here yesterday, and both were fantastic distractions, don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed myself both times, but they took my mind off my kids / wife for a while.



> I broke down when he left today, I miss my bestfriend, I really do, the joking around, being silly, cuddles in the kitchen.. I wonder if he misses it too?


I think the same, and ask the same question.
Stay strong, stay the course.
(and I almost grabbed that to put as a FB status update, but then decided it would lose me power / control and give her power /control, not a good thing


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I suppose I am changing a bit too, but not to impress anyone  ...

I've thought about saying I miss my bestfriend.. but thought better of it, I still haven't had the guts to remove him from facebook yet  I know everyone is telling me too, I don't know what is stopping me, he doesn't want me right? So why should I let him see what's going on with my life?


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Yes today i'm weak as hell too ,i sent him that email to not call anymore and now i'm stuck to the computer waiting for an Email 
I will distract myself when i go to the gym but when i'm home HE is all i think about...i try to watch TV but i find myself thinking of him and having to rewind the show i'm watching a few times .

Gosh this is going to take forever....and we are not even in talks of finalizing it with divorce...legal separation is what we will seek for now and that is not going to give me a complete closure...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

vivea said:


> Yes today i'm weak as hell too ,i sent him that email to not call anymore and now i'm stuck to the computer waiting for an Email
> I will distract myself when i go to the gym but when i'm home HE is all i think about...i try to watch TV but i find myself thinking of him and having to rewind the show i'm watching a few times .
> 
> Gosh this is going to take forever....and we are not even in talks of finalizing it with divorce...legal separation is what we will seek for now and that is not going to give me a complete closure...


You've just described my life... I haven't done a no contact letter yet  Again, can't seem to bring myself to do it... It's my little ones birthday in 2 weeks, and we're meant to have a family day together... So I am just trying not to have any contact and pray he notices...


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I suppose I am changing a bit too, but not to impress anyone  ...


I have not been trying to change my appearance to impress anyone, thats for sure !



> I've thought about saying I miss my bestfriend.. but thought better of it,


Good girl, I am proud of you.



> I still haven't had the guts to remove him from facebook yet  I know everyone is telling me too, I don't know what is stopping me, he doesn't want me right? So why should I let him see what's going on with my life?


Not everyone, not me  My W has restricted me from her FB page, but thats OK, if she wants to see what I am doing, thats *her* choice, she can choose to not check my page. I say don't del him, but do NOT check his page.

Listen to Anita


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> You've just described my life... I haven't done a no contact letter yet  Again, can't seem to bring myself to do it... It's my little ones birthday in 2 weeks, and we're meant to have a family day together... So I am just trying not to have any contact and pray he notices...


He will notice, trust me on this one, he may not show it, but he will notice.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> I have not been trying to change my appearance to impress anyone, thats for sure !
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I suppose that makes sense..The thing I think is my issue is seeing him getting on with his life, posting pictures, which show up to me, him adding new friends, maybe I should delete him and if he asks, then I say "You're moving on with your life I am not part of that, I don't want to see anything to do with your new life" .... erm who's Anita? hehe


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

I deleted my whole acct so i cant see much on his now...not that he was very active but he has accepted some new people and old crushes 

My brother is still his contact though,i know that i can see if i want to but i prefer that i don't have an access on my computer at anytime...i'm not tempted that way


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I suppose that makes sense..The thing I think is my issue is seeing him getting on with his life, posting pictures, which show up to me, him adding new friends,


Bingo, all a charade.



> maybe I should delete him and if he asks, then I say "You're moving on with your life I am not part of that, I don't want to see anything to do with your new life" .... erm who's Anita? hehe


the FB app, predicts your future


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

vivea said:


> I deleted my whole acct so i cant see much on his now...not that he was very active but he has accepted some new people and old crushes
> 
> My brother is still his contact though,i know that i can see if i want to but i prefer that i don't have an access on my computer at anytime...i'm not tempted that way


So I guess that means I can't try chatting you up on FB now


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Watching ANTM, eating a buttery crumpet and sipping tea.. Life could be worse.. I could have run out of milk!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Watching ANTM, eating a buttery crumpet and sipping tea.. Life could be worse.. I could have run out of milk!


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

> So I guess that means I can't try chatting you up on FB now


I'm thinking of opening up another one,just for close family and friends... i get so much support from you guys i fee like all i want to do it chat with you all day.
Will let you know when I open another one! 
Not very active on there though...waaaay more active on here..

OMG AmI...i really have no milk in the fridge...completely forgot to buy...will stop at Walmart ...going with the kids to an OSCARS party...just for a little though but it should be fun for an hour or two.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

vivea said:


> I'm thinking of opening up another one,just for close family and friends... i get so much support from you guys i fee like all i want to do it chat with you all day.


I know what you mean .


> Will let you know when I open another one!
> Not very active on there though...waaaay more active on here..


Doesn't matter, look forarwd to seeing you there.



> OMG AmI...i really have no milk in the fridge...completely forgot to buy...will stop at Walmart ...going with the kids to an OSCARS party...just for a little though but it should be fun for an hour or two.


Just got back from the shops, been a lousy day here 
Have fun at the party.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!!!!!!!

H called me today, he said he was worried about me, he cares, that he hadn't asked me coz he was a chicken **** and didn't think I would talk to him BLAH BLAH BLAH... I had a proper old moan off, didn't hold back and worry about upsetting him (which in the past I never did) I asked him if he's considered if I will eventually find someone else and that person would be bringing up his kids. he said of course he has, I asked if he was ok with that, he said "No of course I am not!" I askd why isn't he doing something about it then.. he said "He can't come back just because of the kids"

There was alot of other crap said, he also said if I didn't have cancer he would be coming to pick up the kids and drop them off, so he wouldn't be asking if I was ok etc.. I have told him to just do that..he said he doesn't love me, he's doesn't want me and can't see us ever working. I said I had to go and hung up, walked into my parents house and cried like a baby.

Later on I received this text: "Thank you for talking earlier. With us I'm not really sure what to say, but you've got your mysterious Valentine guy (If you remember ladies and gentlemen, I received 12 red roses and still don't know who they are from) and whoever it is he'll be better for you than I am. Thats part of the reason for distance. But everything else is true. I can't see there being an us and I don't know how to go from there.

My reply: If you don't want me, then I have to deal with it, if you don't have any feelings for me again I have to deal with it. I don't have anyone tucked away, if I did then why would I have tried to make it work? You've got your life now, how you want it. I'm really not your concern, you're right if I didn't have cancer you wouldn't be asking after me, so just act like that, you know how I feel, but that doesn't change anything.

His reply: No, I haven't got it how I want it. I struggle to find what the f*ck I do want but I know what I don't want. I do care about how you are though so let's just leave it there.

I just replied: Like I said, there's nothing I can do. You know what you want or don't want... Enjoy your day.


Not heard anything since.... WHAT DOES IT ALL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAN!?

My head hurts..... 

Ok just received a text... saying "Even if you don't know who Valentine was from there's still the "you know who you are" and "Could do with a hug from that one person" If there's someone else that you're stringing along or thinking of at the moment who am I to get in the way?!


ARRRRRGH It's him I want a hug from......!!!! All the FB comments are about him in a round about way! 


I just replied: For someone so intelligent, you really are thick, It doesn't make any difference, I'm not who you want

Where are my forum friends today when I am on the verge of headbutting the wall?!


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Not heard anything since.... WHAT DOES IT ALL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAN!?
> 
> My head hurts.....


It means that you just gave away the little power you had, AGAIN. You should not respond to him until he says "I'm ready to come home. What can I do to fix this?" He knows that you want him back regardless of his behavior. HE KNOWS YOU'RE SITTING THERE WAITING! Every time you reaffirm that you want him you're taking a step back. Eventually you'll hit a wall. I think it's closer than you think. 

He is either legitimately done with the relationship, in which case you need to get yourself together and move on OR he's trying to have his fun while you're at home waiting, in which case you need to get yourself together and prepared to move on because you deserve better! 

Do you see that your actions should be the same no matter how he's feeling? It's all about YOU right now. Figure out how you can be happy without him.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Yeah I suppose it makes sense.

I haven't openly told him I want him back. He is thinking that I am talking about someone else, that I want to maybe be with someone else. Do you think there is some jealousy there? 

Like I told him, none of it makes a difference, I am not what he wants.. he hasn't said "Yes you are, I am just an idiot and can't admit it" Etc.... 
He thinks I am getting on with my life. I told him I might be going away this weekend, he doesn't know where or who with... I didn't tell him when I went away last week and he asked the kids where we went, who we saw etc... he's the one offering up information as to where he is going.. I never ask him.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

OMG AmI...WTF???!!!!!
My H. and your H. are mind twins...



> I asked him if he's considered if I will eventually find someone else and that person would be bringing up his kids. he said of course he has, I asked if he was ok with that, he said "No of course I am not!" I askd why isn't he doing something about it then.. he said "He can't come back just because of the kids"





> he said he doesn't love me, he's doesn't want me and can't see us ever working.


That is exactly what H. said in our conversation ,the same questions with the exactly same answers....
-----------------

I hate that he is trying to convince himself that you have somebody else,or someone is after you with the flowers....why does he care ??!!!!
or they want to separate from us and make us their nannies ...meaning...not to be with another man ever again and take care of their children while they enjoy life.
They don't want us but don't want another guy to want us....so weird. Why is he jealous if he doesn't love you ...i don't get that...

So sorry babe  , i know exactly how you feel right now.
Stay strong...it'll be a while for both of us .... 
We have to be strong,i wish i was there for you now....(((((HUGS)))))


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

vivea said:


> OMG AmI...WTF???!!!!!
> My H. and your H. are mind twins...
> 
> 
> ...


Thank you Sweety, its so messed up isn't it?! I don't want you but no one else can... I'm keeping up with the 180,I didn't tell him how good we were, I didn't shoulder all thy blame, I stood up for myself, and I do feel a bit better for it. I still wish that he'd text/call & say well actually I do want you, but I'm do messed up, I don't know where to start, but I know its not gonna happen. Its me & the children from here on in... he's not happy... didums... he's made his bed now he can lie in it, he doesn't know what he wants... but he knows what he doesn't & that's me... so he can crack on...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

*sigh* my daughter is listening to music in her bedroom, she's listening to MJ & akon 'hold my hand' she's singing, I know everyone boasts about their kids, but my 8 year old has talent seriously, I'm sat on my bed listening to her, see her daddy is missing out on this, just before he left, she learnt the Beyonce ava Maria song, my H & I were planning to renew our vows & she said she wanted to sing it when I walked down the aisle, he never got to hear her, he'll never realise how amazing she is 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> *sigh* my daughter is listening to music in her bedroom, she's listening to MJ & akon 'hold my hand' she's singing, I know everyone boasts about their kids, but my 8 year old has talent seriously, I'm sat on my bed listening to her, see her daddy is missing out on this, just before he left, she learnt the Beyonce ava Maria song, my H & I were planning to renew our vows & she said she wanted to sing it when I walked down the aisle, he never got to hear her, he'll never realise how amazing she is
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


His loss, not yours.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Crankshaw said:


> His loss, not yours.


Exactly. Don't feel bad for him, he's choosing this. You still get to see all of these amazing moments. You're blessed, truly.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Yeah i'm trying to tell this to myself but it's hard...we created them together i feel the need to share this moments with HIM


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

vivea said:


> Yeah i'm trying to tell this to myself but it's hard...we created them together i feel the need to share this moments with HIM


Exactly  But then we have to remind ourselves, if they wanted to share these moments they'd do anything in their power to see them 

---------------------------------------------------------

Does anyone have any insight to my H's msgs, do you just think they are more mind games, to see if I am still waiting for him?..
Does he really care? Is he jealous?.. is he maybe thinking crap...

I wish I could take my brain out and give it a rest


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I think your husband is hurting and not thinking strait because of it. I don't think there is any deep meaning in it. 

He's not sure what to do, why to do it, or how to be motivated for it.

When me and my wife were going through MC, at lot of what both of us said wasn't worth much. We were both hurting. We tried to take it slow and focus on MC until things got better. My wife told me a lot that she didn't know how she felt until things started to clear up and we learned how to get along and what the other persons needs were.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

anx said:


> I think your husband is hurting and not thinking strait because of it. I don't think there is any deep meaning in it.
> 
> He's not sure what to do, why to do it, or how to be motivated for it.
> 
> When me and my wife were going through MC, at lot of what both of us said wasn't worth much. We were both hurting. We tried to take it slow and focus on MC until things got better. My wife told me a lot that she didn't know how she felt until things started to clear up and we learned how to get along and what the other persons needs were.



I'd love it if he'd just agree to MC! But he just isnt interested.. I know if he just gave us a chance, he'd fall back in love with me  But can't force anything.. Oh well.. carrying on with 180..


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

AmI...exactly what i feel...He won't give a chance to counseling...he went in SC by himself and i was supposed to join but he went and later he told me that the counselor told him "well i guess you've made up your mind "
Basically ...no need to continue... i was pissed ..i was not even given a chance...

I also know that if he gives me a chance he will fall in love back with me,i'm pretty confident with that but it's like he knows that and he doesn't want it because he likes single life better... 
I struggle today....it was the last day for him to agree for us to try and fix thing...so far no Email... 
I'm just so sad and so down....can't believe this is happening for real...


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

I can see that when he is around me he gets sucked into us...it's like he can feel that and that is why he doesn't want to try.
That is why he doesn't want to sleep here ...he wants to come back for a few hrs and than leave...because he starts feeling me and he doesn't want to...
For the whole Feb the kids has seen him for 3 hrs and in Jan was for only 1 day and a half...it makes me sad that he is not sad about it...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

vivea said:


> I can see that when he is around me he gets sucked into us...it's like he can feel that and that is why he doesn't want to try.
> That is why he doesn't want to sleep here ...he wants to come back for a few hrs and than leave...because he starts feeling me and he doesn't want to...
> For the whole Feb the kids has seen him for 3 hrs and in Jan was for only 1 day and a half...it makes me sad that he is not sad about it...


My H is the same, as soon as it starts going well he runs away. He says he's still attracted to me, and that's not the issue.. He IS enjoying the single life, but with my H, I think that when he's not going out, and he's sat there on his own, he's lonely and thats when he misses talking to me.. but I am not willing to accept crumbs any more.

That's horrible  My H does see the kids one day a week, ok not for long.. but he does..

Get this.. He said he doesn't see why we cant go out on family day trips together...errrrm no we can't because YOU left and WE are NOT a family any more.... GO FIGURE...


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Well H. said he wants to see the kids and he misses them ,that is why he wants me to go there so he can have them 3 days every week or every other week and spend time with them,or he says he can see them every night (that is what he said last time) .He said " we'll get places close by and i will be able to see them every night"...i was like..."you want me to see you every day and be able to move on ?!, how is that going to happen?"..i said at one point or another we both are going to have relationships with other people "do you think they will be thrilled that you're coming to our home every night ?!" 
He is completely delusional and i'm scared that when he takes them for let's say for 2- 3 days every week he will see how much work they are and will back off and start seeing them less.

Ugh i don't know ,i will have to make decision in the next 3 months if i want to go there, I've told him it's out of question,he has no idea i'm considering it now.I will not tell him until the last moment.

I know he has worked a lot in Feb . but i have not seen him going crazy because he can't see them.
He calls daughter every single night,he's told her she can call any time during the day and night...but still i feel if it was me i would be extremely sad not to see them and spend time with them.

I don't know his March schedule but i know he has more days off now,still hasn't told us when he is going to make a trip to see them or take them.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

What is wrong with these men?? My H thinks if we meet other people they'll be dine staying home whilst we go out & play happy families for the day?! Errrr can't see that happening, can you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

I don't want to meet other men...happy now???


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

DjF said:


> I don't want to meet other men...happy now???


not even sure I want to meet other women, I think at this point I would rather have a decent sleep.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

and go through all of this pain again...I don't think so...

think I'll just get another dog!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

DjF said:


> and go through all of this pain again...I don't think so...
> 
> think I'll just get another dog!


and then the dog dies


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Sweet sweet people do not ever give up hope on LOVE...never ever...you can see by example that there are lots of people with values....i personally can't live without love ..i'm not a loner and can't even imagine not having somebody in my life .
I refuse to give up on that...i just need the right person ..either HIM (if he ever wakes up) or somebody else.... weird when i say "somebody else" but I'm sure there is somebody else if HE is not the one that means i haven't met the right person yet...and there is always a "right person" .
I will give my daughters an example of a loving family,they need to see that.

He can live by himself till the rest of his life....i'm sure even if he meets someone else he is not having anymore kids...he actually had vasectomy last year. His choices will be limited to find a woman that does not want children...ohh well...his problem.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Vivea...I'm not giving up on love...just tired of the bitter end of it rather than the sweetness we all desire...so, I'm going to take a sabatical on love...yea thats it...I'm placing my heart in time out!!! It's been a pain in the azz lately anyways!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

DjF said:


> Vivea...I'm not giving up on love...just tired of the bitter end of it rather than the sweetness we all desire...so, I'm going to take a sabatical on love...yea thats it...I'm placing my heart in time out!!! It's been a pain in the azz lately anyways!


Sounds like a bloody good plan to me, only love I want to give for free is to my 4 kids.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

I'm already tired as hell as well...and i'm sure this is just the beginning .... and as much i don't want to think about loving again ...i can't give up.

------------
Just watched a movie... Serious Moonlight (2009) - IMDb
Please guys you have to see it
it's about that guy that wants to separate and divorce his wife...it's like a comedy-tragedy...i cried during it,there were a lot of things that were said that hit home really bad...
AmI ...you have to see what we have to do to get our husbands back....
crazy movie but makes so much sense for us all ...
I wish there was a way to suggest it to H. to watch...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I am such a ****ing idiot. Im taking the kids away this weekend, back to our home town, told him that this morning.

Just sent him a msg saying ""Hi, the kids were asking if you was coming on our magical mystery tour this weekend (Myá said it's always more fun with Daddy) and I was thinking, if you want to, we would really love it if you could join us, but be warned the three shells donuts and ice cream will be on you!"

The reply I got "Sorry already made arrangements going out friday night and Saturday now"

I just said "That's fine, didn't want you to miss out on spending time with your kids. Nevermind. Have a good day"

And now I feel **** again...


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Yeah, I've done that too. You feel like crap afterwards.  Don't dwell, just vow to be stronger next time. Take out the 180 list and reread it. I printed mine out and read it when I feel "weak". In time it gets better, easier. 

I don't doubt that there will be love in my life but I gotta get MYSELF in order! You need time to heal and live for yourself before you can deal with someone else. I couldn't imagine involving another person in my life in an intimate way, nor do I want to. I have my kids, some nice friends and people to hang out with and fortunately, I can easily go off on my own and have a great time. Being alone isn't a problem for me. I did it for years while I was married so I can't see why I can't do it when I'm not! 

Only when you are happy and content living with yourself can you give of yourself to another person. Otherwise, it's just a band-aid.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> I am such a ****ing idiot. Im taking the kids away this weekend, back to our home town, told him that this morning.
> 
> Just sent him a msg saying ""Hi, the kids were asking if you was coming on our magical mystery tour this weekend (Myá said it's always more fun with Daddy) and I was thinking, if you want to, we would really love it if you could join us, but be warned the three shells donuts and ice cream will be on you!"
> 
> ...


I don't even know what to say anymore. You're obviously not ready for NC or the 180. I hope you're able to understand why it's important before it's too late.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> I don't even know what to say anymore. You're obviously not ready for NC or the 180. I hope you're able to understand why it's important before it's too late.


My parents told me to invite him, then he wouldn't miss out on seeing his kids, they helped me word the msg. He's not going to see them for two weeks...

I am doing the 180, there was no talk of relationships, I was upbeat etc etc...


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> My parents told me to invite him, then he wouldn't miss out on seeing his kids, they helped me word the msg. He's not going to see them for two weeks...
> 
> I am doing the 180, there was no talk of relationships, I was upbeat etc etc...


I think you need to stop going to your parents for advice, then. Your father was spot on when he was yelling at you over the phone. Now? Not so much. The only thing your husband needed to know was that the children were going to be out of town. And that's only if he had plans with them. Otherwise he's left you alone to raise the children and you should do so however you see fit. 

You invited him to go on a trip with you and let him know that you'd _love_ it if he'd come. He has, yet again, been reminded that you're there for him regardless of his decisions. He has absolutely no reason to come home; you're going to wait for him while he has his fun.

ETA: If you want him to see the children a simple text letting him no that. "The children want to see you. When will you be able to take them?" Do not use the words "I" "we" or "me" when you're talking to him about the children.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

But also, although I do feel kinda crap at his reply, I've shaken it off, I've gone down another dress size, I am going to get a new outfit, and I am going out too! He doesn't know that though, he thinks I am just doing things with the children, that I'll be sat indoors, but he's mistaken, I am going to go out and dance, maybe even try this flirting lark, see if I am any good at it! 

I don't want anyone else, but just to feel attractive would be nice...


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> But also, although I do feel kinda crap at his reply, I've shaken it off, I've gone down another dress size, I am going to get a new outfit, and I am going out too! He doesn't know that though, he thinks I am just doing things with the children, that I'll be sat indoors, but he's mistaken, I am going to go out and dance, maybe even try this flirting lark, see if I am any good at it!
> 
> I don't want anyone else, but just to feel attractive would be nice...


That's great! Taking care of yourself is going to do wonders in helping you get through this ordeal. 

Just be aware that your mistake was not only making yourself vulnerable, but allowing him to feel he's still in control of the relationship. All of the 180/NC work you've done was just washed away. He knows you still want him.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> That's great! Taking care of yourself is going to do wonders in helping you get through this ordeal.
> 
> Just be aware that your mistake was not only making yourself vulnerable, but allowing him to feel he's still in control of the relationship. All of the 180/NC work you've done was just washed away. He knows you still want him.


He knows I still want to work on our marriage. He knows that I still care about him etc. But I am NOT chasing, I was honest and said yes we would have loved it if he came, that's true. But I am not crying to him about it. I am carrying on. He will call the kids at bedtime, talk to them, they'll hang up and that'll be it.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> He knows I still want to work on our marriage. He knows that I still care about him etc. But I am NOT chasing, I was honest and said yes we would have loved it if he came, that's true. But I am not crying to him about it. I am carrying on. He will call the kids at bedtime, talk to them, they'll hang up and that'll be it.


I don't think you're realizing that what you're doing _is_ chasing him. You invited him away for a weekend!!! You're reminding him that you want him around. He has absolutely no doubt that you'll be there for him after he has his fun. 

Hopefully someone else can get through to you. I'm failing miserably.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

AmI ...i agree a little...I do want to send text to H. about his daughters game on Sat if he will be able to make it...but i realize that it's somehow chasing...I will not contact him 1st i decided...
Go out and post pics on FB...may be he than will realize it was all about the kids anyways...
I know how you feel though,you really want him for the kids and the family time...but this is exactly what they don't want anymore.

What is NC BTW????


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

vivea said:


> AmI ...i agree a little...I do want to send text to H. about his daughters game on Sat if he will be able to make it...but i realize that it's somehow chasing...I will not contact him 1st i decided...
> Go out and post pics on FB...may be he than will realize it was all about the kids anyways...
> I know how you feel though,you really want him for the kids and the family time...but this is exactly what they don't want anymore.
> 
> What is NC BTW????


NC is no contact.

If your H doesn't know about your daughter's game and she would like him there you can still tell him. Just don't ask any questions or invite him. "DD wants you to know she has a game at BlahBlah park at 3:30." 

Give all of the information so it can't be misconstrued as an attempt to strike up conversation. Don't ask questions, just inform. If he texts you back, ignore it. You've said all you need to say.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> I don't think you're realizing that what you're doing _is_ chasing him. You invited him away for a weekend!!! You're reminding him that you want him around. He has absolutely no doubt that you'll be there for him after he has his fun.
> 
> Hopefully someone else can get through to you. I'm failing miserably.


I am going to our home town, visiting his family as well as my own, I tried to be jovial and not commital, I didn't push the issue, I also didn't want to stop him from seeing his children, I didn't say "We can walk along the beach, holding hands" Or anything like that, I offered him a chance to spend some time with his family in hope that he might have a good time with us, seeing as he seemed a bit confused...I didn't beg him to come, telling him how good it could be, I didn't say it will be like old times, I didn't try and convince him of anything, I miss my best friend... I really do...

I didn't really expect him to say yes to be honest, but I was a bit hurt and disappointed when he said he was going out with friends instead, he clearly wasn't bothered about not seeing his kids for 2 weeks.. Next weekend it's our daughters bday, we are going to have spend some time together... Did I have a moan off at him, 'Love Bust' saying oooh picking your mates over us blah blah blah... NO I didn't I left it. 2 months ago, I would have been complaining about it to him.. But I didn't.. Ok I had a moan on here about it, so I could vent, it's better to do it here than to him surely?

I am not trying to justify why I sent the message, I was trying to make a small effort. He's not got another woman, it's a choic between me and no-one, he seemed confused, maybe I read it wrong, but I thought if he spend time with us, it may help him either way.

Again I was wrong. Ok it backfired, do I regret sending it? Kinda, now I know that his friends are more important than his family, will I make the same mistake twice?? NO.

I AM trying to keep my family together, I am doing the things on the 180 list, I can't cut him out completely we do have children together. Do I want this? Errrm NO! I want to do all I can... I'm an emotional person, I can't help being upset over all of this, BUT I DONT let him know that I am.


Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
No frequent phone calls.
Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
Don't follow her/him around the house.
Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
Don't ask for reassurances.
Don't buy or give gifts.
Don't schedule dates together.
Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
*Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.*
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? *Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.*
All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
Don't be overly enthusiastic.
Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behaviour.
Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!" 


I am following this! How can I be someone he would want to be around when being cold, distant and ignoring him... things it says NOT to do on the list? It's contradicting!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Maybe I should just forget the 180 completely and just revert back to no contact?


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

I know what you mean..i'm also confused about, no contact = being cold

May be i shouldn't have sent the last Email telling him not to call because it seems a little cold but if i didn't than he would have called and if i don't pick up or refuse to talk to him after my daughter does...wouldn't that be worse ?!
So confused as well...

I really want to send him an Email telling him his daughter misses him,she does...she talks about him at night...phone calls are not enough..but probably not a good idea...
God i miss him terribly today,i worked out at the gym today and bursted into tears in the middle of the workout...thankfully there were not many people around me...so i quickly put myself together...but it's so hard with NC at all...


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

vivea said:


> I know what you mean..i'm also confused about, no contact = being cold
> 
> May be i shouldn't have sent the last Email telling him not to call because it seems a little cold but if i didn't than he would have called and if i don't pick up or refuse to talk to him after my daughter does...wouldn't that be worse ?!
> So confused as well...
> ...


NC is a lot harder when you have children. They still need both parents. If you were to send him an email telling him your DD misses him it may seem like an attempt to strike up conversation. 

Send him something along the lines of, "DD has asked if she could spend time with you. If you send me a list of times you have available, I'll let you know what works best for us." 

If he sends you a list of times that work for him, you follow up with, "4:30 works best for us. We will meet you at (Park, McDonalds, etc.). I'll be there at 8:00 to bring her back home." 

Your emails need to read like a business transaction. 

I'm not sure how reliable your husband is. If you think he wouldn't show, it might be best to not let your daughter know what's going on. It's better that she has a happy surprise than a letdown, IMO. For your sake you may want to bring someone with you the first time this exchange happens. They can be your buffer if you feel that seeing him would make you emotional.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Well in my case it's complicated because he lives 5 hrs away from us.
He either needs to come and stay over so he can see the kids or he needs to come and take them which is another complicated story because let's say he takes 3 days off from work.Day 1 he will be driving 5 hrs one way to pick them up and than 5 hrs back ..so that ois 10 hrs driving and the day is over.Day 2 will be the day they can spend together,and day 3 it's the same as day 1 .
Before he's said that he would like to pick them up (or rather pick up the older daughter ,she is 5 and the other one is 1) regardless of the drive and less spending time.
I don't know how we will handle this...i'm sure he is also confused how to approach the spending time with his kids...oh well his problem...
But if he decides to come over and stay...my God..what am I going to do..

Thanks for your help WhereAmI,i appreciate your advice.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I just feel like I am in Catch 22, damned if I do and damned if I don't. 

I love this man, I want to do what is right by my children and myself, him last.

I get conflicting advice, plan a, plan b, 180, no contact, be nice, be cold, show him you care, act like you don't care... be evasive and not tell him what's happening with the cancer, let him know what's going on with your illness.....

Can you see why I am so confused? I am sorry if I seemed short, but I am trying to get my head to work along side my heart, coz right now, the are working against each other. 

I appreciate all the support and advice that I get from the people of TAM, I want my best friend, my lover, father of my children, my husband back, and he doesn't want to come back


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

AmI..honey you made me cry again... listen now...we have to be strong...if we do no contact ...they should reach to us at one point...we just have to wait until that point...we just have to take day by day and wait...we have been waiting quite sometime already but we haven't done the NC and may be that is the secret...we have done the good things before,loving them ,pleading ,asking,texting ...everything ...and what did that bring us...absolutely nothing...zero...even worse i would say ....
we have to try the new tactic...it's the worst tactic for me and i don't know how am I going to survive it but we have to try it ...we just have to...begging them is not going to bring them back to us that is for sure...so let's see what 180 or NC brings to us...that's one thing I don't know and I'm willing to wait and see...
Let's do it together honey...i know we can...for our babies...
I have to tell you that today I was 3 times close to write an Email...i'm proud I didn't....i hope i can sustain my position but we can support each other and try it for at least a month and see if there is a crumb of success.
I miss H. tremendously...people say it's an addiction the way i feel about him...i was thinking today- no it is not an addiction...it's my life,it's my babies births it's my dreams ,my hopes,it's my everything...it's like i lost my identity ...where do I belong now...not here with my brother's family..not there with him...where do I belong...i feel like homeless


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

vivea said:


> AmI..honey you made me cry again... listen now...we have to be strong...if we do no contact ...they should reach to us at one point...we just have to wait until that point...we just have to take day by day and wait...we have been waiting quite sometime already but we haven't done the NC and may be that is the secret...we have done the good things before,loving them ,pleading ,asking,texting ...everything ...and what did that bring us...absolutely nothing...zero...even worse i would say ....
> we have to try the new tactic...it's the worst tactic for me and i don't know how am I going to survive it but we have to try it ...we just have to...begging them is not going to bring them back to us that is for sure...so let's see what 180 or NC brings to us...that's one thing I don't know and I'm willing to wait and see...
> Let's do it together honey...i know we can...for our babies...
> I have to tell you that today I was 3 times close to write an Email...i'm proud I didn't....i hope i can sustain my position but we can support each other and try it for at least a month and see if there is a crumb of success.
> I miss H. tremendously...people say it's an addiction the way i feel about him...i was thinking today- no it is not an addiction...it's my life,it's my babies births it's my dreams ,my hopes,it's my everything...it's like i lost my identity ...where do I belong now...not here with my brother's family..not there with him...where do I belong...i feel like homeless


We sound so alike. I am sat crying my eyes out right now. He just sent me a text saying the reason why he sent the texts yesterday was because of my facebook statuses made it seem like there was someone else, and I was waiting for him, then there was no point.

I just said "Ok, fair enough, thanks.

I've deleted him from facebook..

Got another msg saying "So is there?".... I haven't replied


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

vivea said:


> I miss H. tremendously...people say it's an addiction the way i feel about him...i was thinking today- no it is not an addiction...it's my life,it's my babies births it's my dreams ,my hopes,it's my everything...it's like i lost my identity ...where do I belong now...not here with my brother's family..not there with him...where do I belong...i feel like homeless


and I fell very very much the same, and now more tears


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I've deleted him from facebook..


my W has restricted me to her page, I haven't done the same to her, if she doesn't want to see whats happening, she can unfriend me, her choice.



> Got another msg saying "So is there?".... I haven't replied


don't


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> AmImad said:
> 
> 
> > I've deleted him from facebook.. my W has restricted me to her page, I haven't done the same to her, if she doesn't want to see whats happening, she can unfriend me, her choice.
> ...


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

OMG..the nerve to ask...is he deaf or blind....another man.....WTF?!
No do not respond,he knows the answer very well...he just wants an ego booster again...he wants" no there is no one else honey,i love only you" urrrrgggghhhhh


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> I don't intend too, I am not part of his life any more, he's made it clear he doesn't want me, I don't need to let him know anything about my life, all he needs to know about is the kids.
> 
> I REALLY HURT, all I want is a hug, and guess who from?


Me?









You're doing the right thing. Let him sweat. He'll probably text back with, "I'll take that as a yes." He's baiting you. Don't respond!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I don't intend too, I am not part of his life any more, he's made it clear he doesn't want me, I don't need to let him know anything about my life, all he needs to know about is the kids.


that is about right.



> I REALLY HURT, all I want is a hug, and guess who from?


the one person you can't.



vivea said:


> OMG..the nerve to ask...is he deaf or blind....another man.....WTF?!
> No do not respond,he knows the answer very well...he just wants an ego booster again...he wants" no there is no one else honey,i love only you" urrrrgggghhhhh


Yes, an ego boost, or, more correctly, he doesn't want his ego trashed more than it already is.



WhereAmI said:


> Me?


stand in line 



> You're doing the right thing. Let him sweat. He'll probably text back with, "I'll take that as a yes." He's baiting you. Don't respond!


:iagree:


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

vivea said:


> OMG..the nerve to ask...is he deaf or blind....another man.....WTF?!
> No do not respond,he knows the answer very well...he just wants an ego booster again...he wants" no there is no one else honey,i love only you" urrrrgggghhhhh


I'd already said to him I didn't have anyone else tucked away, if I did why would I have been trying to make us work?...:scratchhead:


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> Me?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Nope, he just texted saying: "Are we no longer friends on facebook? When did that happen and is there a particular reason?"

I haven't replied.. Should I? Saying I am out of your life or such like?


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Nope, he just texted saying: "Are we no longer friends on facebook? When did that happen and is there a particular reason?"
> 
> I haven't replied.. Should I? Saying I am out of your life or such like?


No! Only speak about the kids. He's panicking right now. It's _already_ starting to work. Expect tonight to be difficult. If you don't think you can handle it shut off your phone NOW! 

How long ago did you delete him? He seems to have caught on quick. That's a great sign that he still has feelings for you. Don't let that get in the way of what you're doing right now! He's not going to come back if he has no fear of losing you. Please remember that.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

"Is there a Particular reason"
Is he serious...heloooo..

you should respond "you removed me from your life,is there a particular reason?!"

Do not respond at all,he knows the reason....he just wants to hear you say ..i love you,miss you


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## lovesucks12 (Jan 27, 2011)

Vivea and AmImad - I have been reading your postings and my heart goes out to the both of you.

Stay strong. It has only been a month for me and I have good and bad days.

The both of you are holding onto what your husbands were and what you used to have together. You are holding onto what you know he can be and remembering all the good times. That is what is causing you the pain and sadness. You have to remember that the person before you today is not that person ANYMORE!! As with my husband, I don't even know who that man is today, he is a complete stranger to me!! That is not the man I married, as I am sure you can attest to the same thing. Would you have married this selfish, inconsiderate coward that is trying to string you along today? NO!! 

Can he be that man again? Who knows...but you have to find a way to move on for yourself and your children. You have to be prepared for the inevitable. 

All I can say for my husband today is that I am thankful that we had 15 years together. We had alot of good times, I am glad that I was loved by him at one time and that he gave me two beautiful children who without him I wouldn't have. As far as I am concerned I got the best of who he was. The other women can have the rest of the confused, weak, and selfish person he is today. That is how I am moving on. Thankful for the time we did have. I miss him terribly and want my best friend back, but the man I married, not who he is now. But I can't control him, anymore than you can control your husbands. 

Know your self-worth!! You deserve happiness and you deserve to be treated with respect. You are both strong women, you just haven't tapped into your strength yet. 

You gave birth to their children, stand up for yourself and say no more!! I deserve respect and I won't be treated this way!! 

Best wishes to you both!! ((HUGS))


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## lovesucks12 (Jan 27, 2011)

AmIMad - When my husband asked why I don't respond to him or have removed him, I just told him, you wanted me out of your life, so I am removing myself from your life.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

lovesucks...thank you for the kind words and so sorry you're in this madness as well. 
The problem with me is that i'm sad,i'm mourning over my husband because as far i know he is dead at the moment.He did this so unexpectedly that it was almost like he suddenly died.
On top of it i haven't really seen him much since than...we've had 1 good night since he dropped the bomb on me.We talked about what could be,he was excited,snuggled with me while we slept,kissed me on the lips in a very tender way...that night i slept with him holding him and barely sleeping...the most amazing feeling.Than he left the next day and the contact became very limited to almost zero again and he snapped back to his cold state.

Anyways my point is i know my husband is not completely dead ,he is in there...i just have to help him to get out of that coma.
The last time when he came he was nice,loving to me...had the desire to hug me and hold me...said he will fix ""this""

I can't overcome that until i'see that he is completely dead....in his last email to me he says wonderful things about me,it almost seems like he misses me loving him...

When he officially tells me it's OVER and i see no remorse and confusion from him,than i will not have any choice but to try and forget him...as of now i'm waiting..


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## lovesucks12 (Jan 27, 2011)

Vivea - husband did this to me as well. So I know what you are saying, it is that glimmer of hope that gets us!!

I wish you the best of luck!! 

Until he finds himself again, he is a stranger (or dead as you say, lol) and treat him as such.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Forgive me TAM for I have sinned.

Well there has been a rather long text conversation, I know I shouldn't have, but in for a penny in for a pound, I had stuff I needed to get off my chest and seeing as it's now over I just did it (wasn't near my laptop so didn't see the NO!!! don't do it message) 

Soooo here it all is... it's like an episode of Dallas or something...

M: I felt I needed to remove you so I could try and move on, you want nothing to do with me so it makes it easier.

H: I didn't say that I want nothing to do with you. If that makes it easier for you there's nothing I can say is there? I hope your birthday wish comes true.

M:You don't want me, so this makes it easier, my birthday wish wont come true. Be happy *Hubby*

H:You can't possibly want me. Why would you? You and I are so ****ed up. I don't want to stop talking, I worry about you not just because of the kids. I hope we can still talk.

M: Because I can't turn feelings off. But like I said, I'm not the one with the issue, you don't want me. I can hand on heart say I tried, but you didn't want to know. I accept that. You dont need to talk to me, you said yesterday if I wasn't ill you'd just be picking up the kids so just act like that.

H:And if I don't want to just act like that?

M: I'm afraid it's tough. I've told you if you ever decide you want to try and make things work you know where I am. I know that won't ever happen, but I just can't be 'friends' I can't cope with pretending. Pick up the kids, drop them off, it makes it easier all round.

H:What's to pretend about?

M: That I have no feelings, it doesn't matter what I want, I am flogging a dead horse, you've made yourself quite clear. I don't see the point in this conversation any more. Have a nice evening, have a good week.

He sent a couple of msgs asking if I could let him know how it goes at the hospital

M: No, I'm not telling you anything, I'm glad things have worked out the way you wanted.

H: How have they worked out the way I wanted?

M: You're single, no ties, you do what you want when you want, you see your kids once a week, it's easy. You had the power to change it all, but you didn't want to. So you've got what you want, well apart from her...

H: If thats supposed to be a dig then fine. I was an idiot and she was a bad fit- took me a long while to realise that. We're just the same people you and I. Neither of us would have changed for each other. It would have happened all over again, same as it did every time we said it was the last time.

Me:Ok, I understand what you're saying, it wouldn't have happened over night, thats what efforts for. I've got a job starting in Sept, but it doesn't matter, I've got so much going on that I am excited about. But Im doing it for me and my kids. You have no idea who I am, I guess you never will. I've given you opportunities, you've not taken any, it's sunk in now, I understand...

H: I hope the job goes well for you, what is it? I'm going to be moving to London as my job will be changing for a few months and I can't stay at my sisters forever. I guess I don't know who you are and the same goes the other way. Thank you for my kids, I hope that I dont **** them up too much but I guess I have by being a **** around them.

Mlus we'd never been in this place before, we wouldnt have just slotted back into the old routine, I wouldn't have let it happen, There's alot to rebuild, to much at stake. But it cant be fixed by one person, you've said you have nothing, no motivation,. You didnt have enough love to go on, again I accept that, I dont have to like it, but I accept it for what it is. Now I am taking the next step doing what is right by me and the 3 most important people in my life. The sad thing is, you don't want to know who I am, you're right I don't know who you are, I thought I did, but he's gone.
As for the kids, you have no clue do you?
I do love you *Hubbys full name* with all my heart and all my soul and all my inner lining (cheesy I know but we've said it since we were 15) I always have and always will, I am sorry I wasn't worth the effort, Take care.

A few more messages about the kids, I said he could of got off his bum and been the dad we all knew he was capable of. He said there's no way we can be together for the kids. I said I was aware of that. 

He asked if the flowers even existed so I sent him a pick, he said they're lovely you owe someone a bj.. I told him to go F himself.

H: I've got so much **** to deal with

M: What **** do you have?

H: 3 kids, a divorce, I live at my sisters house, I am overweight, I'm busy at work, I spend at least one day a weekend with my kids, I'm such a ****ing catch...

M: All you're choice, you can't see what you have, but I'm not gonna sit and boost your ego. You knew I was talking about you on facebook.

H:I don't need an ego boost from you and I didnt have the first clue that it was about me, I swear on the kids

M:I forgot you don't do subtle, it doesn't matter anyway, I'm sure you'll find somone sooner than you think, being overweight never stopped you with her, like I said be happy.



Well ladies and gentlemen thats this evening's entertainment.... I have now turned off my phone..


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> No! Only speak about the kids. He's panicking right now. It's _already_ starting to work. Expect tonight to be difficult. If you don't think you can handle it shut off your phone NOW!
> 
> How long ago did you delete him? He seems to have caught on quick. That's a great sign that he still has feelings for you. Don't let that get in the way of what you're doing right now! He's not going to come back if he has no fear of losing you. Please remember that.



He saw straight away. I know I probably screwed it up by talking to him but I needed to get it all out, I was going nuts seriously. But now it's done and dusted I don't need to ever tell him again, it's all out there...

I sent him one last msg: Glad it's all so easy for you. Thank you for my babies and the good times. I know you're happier now and things can only get better, especially knowing you havent got me to worry about or the fact I'm hanging on. I am glad I got to say what I want to, so thanks for that.

He just sent a msg saying: This isn't so easy, but you know that. And thank you too.

What? Does he expect me to feel sorry for him?? I haven't replied, and I don't intend on it, I only turned my phone on as I needed to get a friends number for another friend..


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

:slap: Holy freakin' crap! :scratchhead: Where do you go from there? 

Two things I'm glad for:

I don't have Facebook

My husband NEVER calls me. If I don't call him, I don't hear from him. Thank goodness.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> :slap: Holy freakin' crap! :scratchhead: Where do you go from there?
> 
> Two things I'm glad for:
> 
> ...


Well I have no choice but to go forward..

I have everything going for me don't I, 3 amazing kids, family and friends that care about me. I just need to crack on, be strong and keep moving forward. If he by chance realises what a Douche he's being and it's not too late, then maybe we stand a chance. Maybe I shouldn't have said a thing to him, I am glad I did, but part of me wishes I had just shut up and not let him in... can't take it back now... So i've got it all out of the way.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Sigh...

I'll say this, at least this time you seemed a little stronger (minus you telling him what he wants). It was still a step back though. 

What's your plan from here on out? Are you going no contact? Will you be able to hold your tongue when he tries to pull you into conversation? He's going to get increasingly more aggressive to get what he wants. If NC works you may hear things like you never loved him, you never tried, you're happy he's gone, you're moving on too easily, he just need to hear your voice one more time, he's lonely, only you can make him feel better, etc. Can you handle all of that without folding? 

Your responsibility is to control your actions, not to use your actions to guide his emotions. You can't change him, but you can have boundaries in place to keep you from getting hurt. 

Figure out what you want from him and come up with a one-liner if you MUST respond.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> Sigh...
> 
> I'll say this, at least this time you seemed a little stronger (minus you telling him what he wants). It was still a step back though.
> 
> ...


I felt I needed to tell him how he made me feel. Job done. 

I don't have any other choice, I still (stupidly) want my marriage to work, I have to do NC, I told him that the children would talk to him and hang up. If he says those things, then tough I know how I feel about him, I don't have to justify anything, I was the one trying to make us work, so at least I'll know the truth.

So what if he does say those things? How do I know, if he is sincere and wants to work on us?


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

lovesucks12 said:


> The both of you are holding onto what your husbands were and what you used to have together. You are holding onto what you know he can be and remembering all the good times. That is what is causing you the pain and sadness. You have to remember that the person before you today is not that person ANYMORE!!


 :iagree: This is very insightful and it applies to me as well. For a long time I was obsessed with getting back the husband I used to know and love. I wanted our life back desperately and would do anything to get it back. Throw in the fact that my husband is an alcoholic and it was even more "interesting."

But then, slowly..I figured out that nothing I said or did was going to bring back what I once had. It has to happen because HE wants it to, not because I try and make it happen. So that's when I started living my life for ME. Result: I'm much more sane and happier. 

I'm also beginning to think that my husband's alcoholism is a blessing in disguise. It makes things quite "final". I don't have much hope for reconciliation because my husband is addicted to alcohol and won't get treatment. He thinks his life is fine right now and until he wakes up and realizes what he's losing and throwing away there's nothing I can do or say to persuade him. He might NEVER figure it out! 

I don't go through the same agony as Vivea and AmIMad because until my husband addresses his alcoholism there IS no hope! It's like staring at a brick wall that you can't get around. What do you do with that? You can kick it, beat on it and try to climb up it or tunnel under it but chances are it won't work. 

For months I tried to change the situation, fix it and then live with it but to no avail. I've since come to the conclusion that I can only change and fix myself. I still see quite a bit of my husband and in the recent past I've had conversations very similar to what AmIMad went though today. My conclusion: Is that I'm just beating my head against a proverbial wall. :banghead:

So after you get that sore head you come to move and accept the situation and believe me, things are a LOT better. 

It'll come..don't worry but the longer you give in and text, call and play games on Facebook the harder it will be. 

My take on the kids is this: Stop being a mother to your husband! They are HIS kids too. You be the best mother YOU can be and let HIM worry about seeing them! He's an adult and if he wants to see them then he'll make the effort. It's not _your_ job to ensure that he does! If he wants to see them, you can facilitate things by saying, "Sure, 4-5pm is the best time, come over then"..and then make yourself scarce when he does show up. You can be pleasant. "Hey, how's it going? Nice weather we're having, eh?" Then leave. 

Vivea, if your husband has to drive 5 hours, so be it. Let him get a hotel room or stay with friends or family. Why have him stay with you?  Aren't you staying with your family? Let HIM worry about HIS situation. It's HIS problem..not yours.

If they don't want to make the effort to see THEIR kids then that's the time you say to your kids. "Daddy is busy" and then take them for dinner and ice cream. 

Sad thing is, Life often sucks and is often unfair. Kids come to learn that soon enough. If you husband doesn't care to make the effort to see them then no amount of hounding, nagging or giving guilt trips will change it. Right now you don't have the perfect nuclear family. No amount of crying is going to make that happen..the same is true when it comes to your husband making the effort to see the kids. 

You do your job and let him do his. You need to get YOUR stress level down. Obsessing over what HE is doing isn't the way to do it. 

Girls, it's time to start living your own lives and stop worrying about your husbands so much. Keep contact short, simple and cordial. Nothing more, nothing less.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> I felt I needed to tell him how he made me feel. Job done.
> 
> I don't have any other choice, I still (stupidly) want my marriage to work, I have to do NC, I told him that the children would talk to him and hang up. If he says those things, then tough I know how I feel about him, I don't have to justify anything, I was the one trying to make us work, so at least I'll know the truth.
> 
> So what if he does say those things? How do I know, if he is sincere and wants to work on us?


That's why I asked you what you want. Would the first step in repairing this be for him to come home or to go to marriage counseling with you? Something else? 

Once you decide you can come up with the one-liner when he spews his manipulations. (i.e. "I would be happy to discuss this in marriage counseling.) 

You'll know he's serious by his actions, not his words. If you decide it's marriage counseling that will help you, the relationship will not be discussed until that first session. If you decide that you need him back home to move forward, the relationship won't be discussed until he's back home.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

:iagree: Yes, you have to figure out what it's going to take for you both to move forward. Right now you are just jabbing and stabbing at each other but not making any progress. What are your goals exactly?

With my husband, he has to go to detox/rehab before I'd even THINK about reconciliation. Don't see that happening anytime soon though. Now if he were to get into rehab I'd consider that a MAJOR step in the right direction and then we could move forward. 

Thing is, I like us living apart and I think he feels the same way. That's good and bad. Good because it makes this all much easier to deal with. Bad, because we don't have as much incentive to work things out. 

I guess if things were to go my way, he'd get sober and we could start "dating", acting like a couple and doing fun stuff together. But nothing is going to happen until he gets sober..but he's not inclined to get sober so..there's no point in us dating, acting like a couple or doing fun stuff together and this isn't happening because he's isn't sober. 

It's like a dog chasing it's tail...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Well I have told him previously that there will be 'hoops' to jump through so to speak.. Complete transparency on both of our parts, He would have to go to anger management, and I'd like us both to go to MC.

What I really would like to do, is just spend some time with him, curled up on the sofa watching tv, sharing the secret jokes that we used to... I would love to go out on a date, I can't remember the last time we did  xx


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

AmImad said:


> What I really would like to do, is just spend some time with him, curled up on the sofa watching tv, sharing the secret jokes that we used to... I would love to go out on a date, I can't remember the last time we did  xx


It's weird. When we FIRST got separated we actually did this! We had a couple of good weekends and it looked pretty hopeful for a time that we could indeed still have passion and go out and have a good time and be friends while living apart... but as time progressed this fell apart. 

My conclusion is that his condition has worsened as time has gone on. We've had some nasty fights since then and each time I could feel myself pulling farther and farther away. Call it self preservation but even though he's been urging me to do JUST what you said..curl up on the sofa and watch TV with him in the hopes that we might get "chemistry" going (as in sexual)..it's the LAST thing I want to do right now. It finally happened. He has killed any and all passion I had for him. 

I still love him and care for him but I'm terrified of him. When I mentioned that I was scared to death of him his answer was: "Yeah, you should be."

What do you do with that? :scratchhead:


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

vivea said:


> Just watched a movie... Serious Moonlight (2009) - IMDb
> Please guys you have to see it
> it's about that guy that wants to separate and divorce his wife...it's like a comedy-tragedy...i cried during it,there were a lot of things that were said that hit home really bad...
> AmI ...you have to see what we have to do to get our husbands back....
> ...


I have to see that! I did laugh when I saw him duct taped to the toilet. Did it end the way I hope it does?


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

And I so wish we could all get together. My heart goes out to each & every one of us.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Babyheart said:


> I have to see that! I did laugh when I saw him duct taped to the toilet. Did it end the way I hope it does?


Yes it ends good...well kind of...not going to spoil it for you...but please watch it...
if that is what i have to do to get H. back than i have no chance at all...

If we were close by we would be such amazing friends..i can just feel it..
Where do you live babyheart..i'm in Atlanta


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

OMG AmI...i can't believe your chat...what he says is a nonsense...
I wish i can get stuff out of my chest as well, ..i'm sure the time will come for me to say it.
I'm so sorry for the things that you had to hear him say..such lost soul... 
I'm sure this is exactly what H. would say... They are the victims in this,it's all our fault that they feel the way they do...what a BS.

Gosh i can't believe I'm dealing with so much BS, people lose their whole family to an accident...they would kill to have their family back...and what our H.'s are doing..gladly giving it up.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> I still love him and care for him but I'm terrified of him. When I mentioned that I was scared to death of him his answer was: "Yeah, you should be."
> 
> What do you do with that? :scratchhead:


sorta wonder if that is how my W feels ? No idea...
what do you do with it? keep in mind when ever you come face to face !


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Crankshaw said:


> what do you do with it? keep in mind when ever you come face to face !


I do..that's one reason I try and limit the amount of time we are face to face. And when we are, I'm very pleasant and cordial. I can't take any more fighting. 

Fortunately I don't have Facebook, texts, email or phone calls to bother me. He rarely answers the phone when I call. I haven't seen or spoken to him since Sunday, when I picked up my son at his house and he seemed OK at the time. Howver, for the past two days he hasn't answered the phone when my son calls, which is unusual so I'm starting to wonder what's up with him. 

Oh well, it's my husband's problem, not mine. I feel badly for my son though.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

vivea said:


> OMG AmI...i can't believe your chat...what he says is a nonsense...
> I wish i can get stuff out of my chest as well, ..i'm sure the time will come for me to say it.
> I'm so sorry for the things that you had to hear him say..such lost soul...
> I'm sure this is exactly what H. would say... They are the victims in this,it's all our fault that they feel the way they do...what a BS.
> ...



I know, I can't help thinking that he is still a bit confused. But maybe that is me hoping again and reading too much into it.

I know, it beggars belief, I but like I said we can't convince them or trick them to come home, maybe when the novelty of the 'single' life wears off, they'll realise just what they are throwing away and then try and claw it back.

The fact he knew I deleted him so quickly, and he was saying he doesn't want me to stop talking to him.. well that stupidly gives me a tiny glimmer of hope. But for now NC, you and me Vivea, we can do it, I am a stay at home Mum too, so we do have alot of time on our hands.. but if you ever want to chat I'm here *hugs*


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Babyheart said:


> And I so wish we could all get together.


It would be a total blast 



> My heart goes out to each & every one of us.


and me !!!


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

regards to FB, I don't use anymore.....I was never FB friends with my H.....turned out that was down to him evading me while he was having an affair(s?).....

since we separated I went on my profile cos I got a message from an old friend.....in the 'people you may know' section his photo suddenly appeared.....it was just too upsetting.....WTF??????? 'people you may know'.......errrrr yes, my own husband!!!!!!!!! too painful, felt like s**t....won't be going on FB again for a VERY long while.......have just left my profile there but never access it anymore.....why expose myself to more heartache and pain


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Well today he sent me a msg, saying I was the only person that would appreciate it and sorry if it was out of turn after last night... then proceeded to tell me about our youngest and something she said 4 days ago... not that he could have told me before...

Just said awww bless her..

I'm replying if it's regarding the children, short but sweet msgs, I want him to think that he's losing me now  I really just want to hold on tightly with both hands, but I can't


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

AmI...that is good that he is still trying to contact you...means ,he thinks of you.
Do what you feel is right for you and your situation honey!
I do believe that NC works for you,he is definitely responding...it seems.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Well today he sent me a msg, saying I was the only person that would appreciate it and sorry if it was out of turn after last night... then proceeded to tell me about our youngest and something she said 4 days ago... not that he could have told me before...
> 
> Just said awww bless her..
> 
> I'm replying if it's regarding the children, short but sweet msgs, I want him to think that he's losing me now  I really just want to hold on tightly with both hands, but I can't


You're going to hate me very soon. LOL

During NC you should reply with only factual information about the children and only if necessary. His text above should have been ignored. He was seeing how serious you are about NC and he got the answer he wanted. 

If you get a text from your husband don't reply for at least an hour. This gives you time to judge whether this is a communication that needs to happen for the children and shows him that you're not waiting around to respond to everything he has to say. 

I think your go to phrase should be "I'd be happy to discuss that in marriage counseling." You would only say this if he brought up your relationship or anything emotional involving the two of you. You don't need to say it every time he becomes emotional. Most of what he says should be ignored entirely.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Well I don't feel I did anything wrong with my response, it was literally "Aww, bless her." Actually it seemed like I didn't give a crap, normally I would have chatted to him about it and he knows that.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I really need my H today, had bad news that my treatment isn't going as well as it should & they wanted me in first thing this morning, driving the kids to school, my bumper has fallen off on one side & I can't get it on or off, I've called him, breaking my heart but it just rang to voice mail, so left him msgs, just tried to call again & he's turned his phone off. The one time I really really need him to be there for me & he turns his phone off, why am I trying? He doesn't care I'm sat in my car, crying my eyes out & all I want is for him to hug me & make.things right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> I really need my H today, had bad news that my treatment isn't going as well as it should & they wanted me in first thing this morning, driving the kids to school, my bumper has fallen off on one side & I can't get it on or off, I've called him, breaking my heart but it just rang to voice mail, so left him msgs, just tried to call again & he's turned his phone off. The one time I really really need him to be there for me & he turns his phone off, why am I trying? He doesn't care I'm sat in my car, crying my eyes out & all I want is for him to hug me & make.things right.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Part of the reason I think you need NC is so you can see your husband for what he is. I know that you love who he was, but there's no way anyone would love him right now if they could see him for who he is. This man walked away from his family when they needed him most. Could he have been overwhelmed by your cancer? Sure. I could understand someone running away out of fear. What I don't understand is some one who stays away instead of taking care of his obligations. I don't care what kind of mistakes you've made in the past, there comes a point where the adult in us needs to step away from the child inside of us and do what's right. He seems virtually incapable of that. He's a coward. He does NOT deserve you. My hope is that you'll see this soon.

I'm sure he'll give you some excuse for why he shut off his phone. His battery probably ran out and he was stuck in a desert trying to fashion a phone out of cacti and bird bones. For the love of God, don't believe him! 

YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS!


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

AmImad said:


> II've called him, breaking my heart but it just rang to voice mail, so left him msgs, just tried to call again & he's turned his phone off.


My husband does that all the time. 

Yeah, I know all about having a bad day. Sometimes your luck just doesn't go right. Sucks...Seems the last few months I had streaks of bad luck, one after the other. 

Don't worry. It'll get better. Chances are your husband would just add to your misery, not make it better. 

Once I made the mistake of going over to my husband's house after a really bad day. I just wanted to vent, to have a friend console me, to get a hug and have someone say "Don't worry about it, it'll get better." He didn't want to hear about it. Told me I was on my own and I had to deal with my own problems. Then he started tell me how I should grow up, etc, etc. Made me go from feeling bad to absolutely miserable. 

So basically with it went from bad to worse. Nice, eh? 



WhereAmI said:


> I'm sure he'll give you some excuse for why he shut off his phone. His battery probably ran out and he was stuck in a desert trying to fashion a phone out of cacti and bird bones. For the love of God, don't believe him!
> 
> YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS!


:lol: Yep, I hear that too. For the past two days my son has been trying to call my husband because he has been having problems with his computer. My husband promised my son he'd pick up when he saw his number come up but he doesn't. He often didn't pick up the phone with me even though I KNOW he got my messages and texts. He just "didn't want to". Doesn't feel he "should have to". I used to be stupid enough to actually GO OVER his house to see if he was OK when he did that. 

When my son finally got him on the phone (after TWO days of leaving messages!) my husband told he'd been "napping" and/or "didn't hear it." What if there had been an emergency? I tell my husband that time and time again but it never changes. 

Oh, he always has an an excuse. Sometimes it's that his battery ran out. Or he didn't hear it. He turned it off "by mistake", blah blah blah. 

I wonder how HE would've felt if I had done the same thing when he called me at 6 am the day his father died? Or when he called me at midnight, waking me up from a deep sleep, when he fell down and knocked himself out and was all disoriented and scared and THEN proceeded to beg me to come over to his house? (Which I did!) How would he have liked being put to voicemail? Well, maybe next time he'll find out! 

Now I just leave him a message and text him that I left the message and then if I have to, I'll proceed to "drop over"..which he hates. I then inform him that I DID call him, but he didn't answer the phone and that it's on his voicemail. Then he looks sheepish and gives the usual excuse. Now I don't call him much anyway. Mostly to arrange to drop off and pick up my son and tell him what time I'll be dropping by. I never call to "talk" anymore. Those days are over. 

I know things are bad and you need emotional support but you are going to have to find it elsewhere. Your husband is not only NOT there for you, he's making it worse!

Perhaps you can find a support group or turn to family, friends, etc. You can't depend on your husband and you have to learn to wean yourself off him during "normal" and "good" situations so that when things go bad you don't turn to him. You don't want to have to depend on him for anything! 

It's a harsh reality, but a necessary one. I feel your pain.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Well he spoke to me on the phone I say spoke, he basically 'barked' at me, so I said go 'F' yourself and I hung up, yes my friends of the forum I.. ME... hung up on him.. highly unheard of. He has since text me saying

'I'm sorry, if I haven't completely f*cked it up, please can you call me after your appointment'

I ignored it...

He called me later on (Witheld number) I answer he wants to know what is happening with me and hospital etc... I told him I don't want to talk to him, he wasn't there when I needed him. He asked me to stop, told me he was out of order (no really?!) and he was sorry and he really wanted to know.. I just said I am sorry I am going I don't want to talk to you and hung up AGAIN **girl power**

Then I get a text..

H: Not pretending to care about you, I do give a ****

M: If you don't want to be part of my life, I don't have to tell you anything.

H: Well if nothing you're still my kids mum but you're also still my wife (ANYONE ELSE OUTRAGED BY THIS COMMENT??)

M: Till you put in for divorce. When you decide you want to be my husband we'll talk.

H: Why not just tell me? I need to know as the kids are my concern if something happens to you (Ohhh now they're you're concern? Where they when you f'd off to Australia to that ****?!)

M: Like I said when you want to make a go of things, be willing to spend time with me, then we'll talk, until then I'm not your concern. I'll put my children first as I always do.

H: Are you going onto Chemo?..... 

**IGNORED**

H: Yes? or No?

**IGNORED**

H: Do you want me to have a look at your car after work?

**IGNORED**


So I've told him when he's ready to be my husband, I'll then start letting him into my life, until.... **IGNORED**

Now, please someone give me some praise coz I am shaking like a fecking leaf! xx


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Now, please someone give me some praise coz I am shaking like a fecking leaf! xx



You did well. Do NOT give in this time. He's going to say something about the kids after he realizes this isn't working. There's no need to answer him. Stay strong! 

You seem to have a good group of friends. Is there someone else who could look at your car? Showing him you can take care of things on your own is a positive. That doesn't mean that you need to tell him you've taken care of it, he'll find out on his own.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Good woman! And yes I think he will contact you with some thing about the kids when you don't reply. DO NOT RESPOND!!! He'll only do it coz you are a great mom & the kids are the way to you. 

Hang in there. Once you show him you are strong & can take care of things yourself, he will start to respect you. I had contacted my husband about things like this as well, he never responded well to it. But once I took a stand on my own & stopped contacting him just to contact him, his attitude towards me changed. 

Stay strong.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

He has sent two more msgs asking about the car. Still ignored him, It's so hard...!

I haven't actually contacted him over anything until today, I was in a real state and there was a number of factors to that.

I can't remember the last time I'd actually called him before today. He always calls the kids and thats the only 'verbal' contact we have. 

I hope he is starting to come round


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

I know how hard it is. We want to fix what's wrong, and being cold is not in our nature. 

Let him stew for a while so he can realize what a jerk he was.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Thank you for your encouragement. I just have to keep reminding myself how nasty he was this morning.

Also he may 'seem' concerned via text msg, but if I had actually 'spoken' to him, about the car etc, he may just continue to be an arse, so I am trying not to read too much into it...


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> He has sent two more msgs asking about the car. Still ignored him, It's so hard...!


It will get easier, though not right away. Just plan on this week being horribly difficult and accept it. You can do this! 



AmImad said:


> I haven't actually contacted him over anything until today, I was in a real state and there was a number of factors to that.
> 
> I can't remember the last time I'd actually called him before today. He always calls the kids and thats the only 'verbal' contact we have.
> 
> I hope he is starting to come round


Don't beat yourself up for contacting him today. He showed you his true colors. I think today could make things easier on you.

Don't plan on him starting to come around anytime soon. 

He's going to go through many different emotions before he sees this as you setting boundaries. At first he'll think you're just mad about today. Then he could get mad that you could disrespect him after "everything you've put him through." After he realizes that's not it, he might try to sweet talk you into talking to him again (without him going to MC or coming home). Then he may tell you that not talking is tearing him apart and you're the only one who can make him feel better! You: "I'd be happy to talk about that in marriage counseling." 

This is going to be a huge emotional challenge. You're going to have to resist temptation. Your happiness is worth it. When you're feeling weak let someone know. Let them be strong when you need to break down. You can do this! 

Have you thought about starting a thread on TAM so we can keep up with your health? If it's too personal I understand. I'm sure I'm not the only one wondering how treatment is going, though.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

AmI...OMG girl ,i swear we are somehow connected.While driving daughter to school my tire blew out. My 2 kids and I in the middle of the road ...not very pleasant .Called my brother he was not answering ,thank god my SIL answered so she had to leave work and come help me.It was a 2hr ordeal but i did it all by myself.

Gosh girl ...i can't believe him...i'm so mad at your H. ...if he is not the husband he needs to be at least have a little sympathy for the person that gave you 15 of her life and gave you the most precious thing to live for...your kids. Can't believe that he turned his phone on you. 

I'm amazed how well you're doing with not answering...you're my hero.
I'm so sorry about the results of your treatment ...have no words to describe how much sympathy i have for you because of what you're going through...
I just want to offer you (((BIG HUGS))) and positive energy your way.
STAY STRONG!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I am so angry right now, I can't be bothered to go into the whole crappy conversation, but I have pissed him off due to me not telling him ANYTHING and saying I was hanging up.

He called me names once again I said Good luck in life, thanks for being childish and I hung up.

I then get a text saying "Please don't respond, I know it doesn't mean much but I am sorry for being a pr*ck, what time are you coming back with the kids on Sunday?"

Well I can't reply can I? He asked me not to respond 

Anger > Sadness right now.. I feel quite relieved!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

:smthumbup:


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I STILL haven't replied and it's midnight, it's been a hard day, but managed to get through it!

Vivea- It's been madness, the whole car thing was not fun, I cried like a baby  Need to keep strong, NC seems to be the only thing he has responded too, with him saying 'But you're still my wife' -- really? ERRM you threw that away when you decided to walk away, remove your wedding ring and say you don't want to be with me! 

I'm beginning to wonder if all this is really worth it, do I really want him back after the way he's treating me? Throwing paddies when he can't get his own way, then texting me later saying sorry.....

Mind you ive said that before *sigh*


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

You gals need to get AAA..at least learn how to change a tire. 

Good job AmIMad! It gets easier in time! :smthumbup:



AmImad said:


> I'm beginning to wonder if all this is really worth it, do I really want him back after the way he's treating me?


Now you are really starting to think..Will life really be better if he DOES come back? Maybe not...

You have to ponder about the why and how the situation you are in actually exists. Was he really such a wonderful person to live with? Did you really have a great life with him before he left? Most importantly, can life be even better without him? 

Interesting to think about....


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> You gals need to get AAA..at least learn how to change a tire.
> 
> Good job AmIMad! It gets easier in time! :smthumbup:


It's wasn't my tire, it was my bumper! It was half hanging off, I couldn't pull it off and couldn't clip it on, I had the kids in the car on a main road and trying to get them to school, it was the icing on the cake I tell ya! hehe x


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

AmImad said:


> It's wasn't my tire, it was my bumper! It was half hanging off, I couldn't pull it off and couldn't clip it on, I had the kids in the car on a main road and trying to get them to school, it was the icing on the cake I tell ya! hehe x


That's what bungee cords are for! :rofl:

My life and cars...

When I went 4 wheeling and was on the trail, if a Jeep would hit the rear bumper on a rock and have it fall off, the driver would get out and toss it in the back. Or, if it was just hanging off, out would come the bungee cord! You can never have enough bungee cords...

One time on the track at Lime Rock. I was in my Mustang. I heard this scraping and it was my muffler! I pulled into the pits, pulled the muffler off and tossed it over the fence..but then I got black flagged because the car was so loud and they have noise restrictions there. 

Or the time my power steering rack blew up on the track and we were up all night trying to patch it up. Had to bypass the power steering and drive a 3500lb car home without power steering.

Or the time my engine blew while I was racing my friend on the interstate because the oil pump rod snapped in two...But I won the race!

Or how about the time I got bad gas in my Miata in the middle of Nowheresville, Virginia and had to have the local station siphon the gas out of the tank before it could run again...

Or the time I was on my way down to Florida in the Mustang, 5 months pregnant and with my 3 year old daugter and my Autometer oil gauge line sprung a leak and I had oil pouring into the interior. I had to pull over and take out the middle part of the dashboard so I could tie a not in the line...

And then on the way home FROM Florida, again on I-95...and the supercharger pulley fell off, the serpentine belt got wrapped around the fan and car overheated. I had a South Carolina State Trooper hold the crowbar against the pulley tensioner while I swapped the extra belt on...He asked me if I was the wife of a NASCAR driver. :rofl:

I could go on and on...

Ah, the good ol' days...:rofl:


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

That's what it's being held on by now! I just didn't have any in the car hehe


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Freak..you're a superwoman..there is no question about it...you go girl.

I couldn't change the tire by myself,i have a road assistance membership...the guy actually told me that i couldn't do it by myself...he removed the bolts and everything but the tire itself wouldn't come off he had to hit it with a crowbar really hard.Had to lay down under the car to actually push it off.

AmI..i'm still asking these Q myself.Is he worth it,was he worth it...i will have to answer these when /if we get back together though.
No idea how am i going to live with him...i'm scared everything went to s##t with this whole thing...What if i don't love him the same way....will I be happy?!


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Changing a tire is something every woman should now how to do. I love my torque wrench and floor jack. 

I do all the maintenance to my cars. Change the oil, rotate the tires, spark plugs, etc, etc. At one time we had four cars and it gets mighty expensive when you have to pay a garage to do the simplest jobs, plus no one does a better job than yourself

In your case, it sounds like the hub got stuck to the back of the rim due to rust. Don't rotate your tires much, do you? 

Usually the wheel won't come off because the lug nuts won't come off. They are often put on too tight by some garage with a power tool...torqued down way too much and then when you get a flat you can't the damn things off. 

With my Miata, my brake rotors were warped because of this. At 1000 miles the car was shuddering like crazy when I hit the brakes. I brought it in and said "Rotors are warped". They said "We'll see about that" and took it for a ride. Then the mechanic came in and said "She's right, the rotors are warped." 

I figured out WHY when I had to put a bar over a breaker bar to get the damn lug nuts off! I was lucky the studs didn't snap off the hub! They must've been on torqued down to about 250 ft.lbs as opposed to the 80 ft.lbs the factory calls for. That'll do it. 

Well, the stupid dealership wanted to cut the rotors and I said.."NO WAY!! You put new rotors on AND pads". It was a BRAND NEW CAR!! No way was I getting the rotors cut on a car with 1000 miles on it! The dealership refused. 

Well, I had the name of a higher up at Mazda that I met at a Miata event and I called him..and he told the manager of the dealership to treat me right. Oh yah, they were scared of me after that! :rofl:

Point is, you gotta figure out how to do things _without_ your man! It's not being a super woman, it's just being confident and independent. 

Cars I know because for 20 years I've been showing them, racing them and working on them. I did all the maintenance on our cars. Unfortunately my husband was the computer guru and what's giving us fits now? My son's computer. And we are STILL trying to figure out how to hook up the Wii and Playstation. I told my daughter that THIS weekend we are going to figure out what the heck goes into what plug and where so we can use all these game consoles we have! 

Actually, my daughter is great. She was the one who hooked up all the computers after the cable guy was here and turned everything on. And my son is getting very good at diagnosing and troubleshooting the software on the computers so between us all we're figuring things out. 

So you don't need no stinkin' husband! :smthumbup:


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

vivea said:


> AmI..i'm still asking these Q myself.Is he worth it,was he worth it...i will have to answer these when /if we get back together though.
> No idea how am i going to live with him...i'm scared everything went to s##t with this whole thing...What if i don't love him the same way....will I be happy?!


You are funny! :scratchhead: All this time I've been hanging out here all I've read is how much you want to get back together with this husband of yours. It's like the old saying says.."Be careful what you wish for...You might get it"! 

Now you are getting it and you are scared about THAT! Like the song says.."Don't worry, be happy."

Just get together with him, put the past behind you and start fresh. Just be nice and loving and enjoy! I wish my husband wanted to start over with me..I mean REALLY start over, not just say so and then proceed to be a jerk. 

Now, if it turns out your husband is still a **** at least you KNOW for sure and you ALSO know that you CAN forge ahead and go off on your own if need be. 

But for chrissakes..Just BE HAPPY. Chill out and enjoy! 

Meanwhile, I have to deal with my husband tomorrow and haven't talked to him since Sunday. I'm not looking forward to it. Every time I think about it my stomach turns over. That tells me something. So be grateful that your guy at least wants to try and gives a damn because my sure as heck doesn't.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

> Point is, you gotta figure out how to do things without your man! It's not being a super woman, it's just being confident and independent.


freak point taken  but you still need the physical strength of a man sometimes...
Even if i was able to do it though wouldn't be able to do it with 2 cranky kids...one was almost sobbing that we can't get to school because she'll miss her mourning routine,the other does not like to be strapped to her car seat while vehicle is not moving... 

PLUS i didn't have a spare ...the spare recently replaced another one that blew off...about a month ago ,and I never replaced it so the car needed to be towed...



> Now you are getting it and you are scared about THAT!


I am because i'm confused ,i do love him..i know that but I'm scared if he is going to love me.I can put it all behind, I will ...but will HE.Too many question...i won't get to the bottom of it until i start seeing him everyday.
I guess i'm in self protecting mode,i have been burned and i don't want to burn again. 
I still go through a roller coaster ...can't be happy and relaxed until i see HIM.You know....my H. ... the one that I know.

I know for most of you it does sound weird and I never expected to feel this way but I do....


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

vivea said:


> freak point taken  but you still need the physical strength of a man sometimes...


True. That's why I have aluminum wheels on my Jeep. 

Vivea..With all that..It's a good thing you have roadside assistance! 

I have it too. My work truck is HUGE and weighs 8000lbs. I couldn't imagine trying to jack that thing up to change the tire. 

My kids are just used to their mother doing crazy stuff to the car. :rofl:


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

vivea said:


> I am because i'm confused ,i do love him..i know that but I'm scared if he is going to love me.I can put it all behind, I will ...but will HE.Too many question...i won't get to the bottom of it until i start seeing him everyday.
> I guess i'm in self protecting mode,i have been burned and i don't want to burn again.
> I still go through a roller coaster ...can't be happy and relaxed until i see HIM.You know....my H. ... the one that I know.
> 
> I know for most of you it does sound weird and I never expected to feel this way but I do....


Well, I gotta say. I can relate. I don't know what I'd do if my husband did a 180 and decided to work on our marriage and became the person I once loved. Trusting him again, giving unconditional love..That would be very difficult indeed. In a way the fact that I hold so little hope of this happening makes things much easier for me. 

I do know this...I wouldn't be moving in with him so fast. I know your situation is different but my husband and I would have to live apart and things would have to get A LOT better separately before we'd be under the same roof again. 

I think Hell has a bigger chance of freezing over than that happening anytime soon. If it was a matter of compatibility or even another woman it would be easier to deal with then the alcoholism. That's a real problem. It's one reason I am beginning to think that it's hopeless. 

But you need to hold on and hope. Take a hot bath and drink some wine and chill out. Try not to think so much.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I tried to get the family interested in these things. But no. Everyone calls AAA for the littlest thing. My son's GF is HIS mechanic. 

And remember to lube the lug nuts or bolts before you screw them down. I once broke a T-wrench trying to get some VW bolts out which had cold-welded to the wheel drum.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Ok, so H had a chance to spend a weekend with his little family back in our home town, where he could walk along the beach, eating ice cream & hot donuts, helping his kids skim stones & maybe having some quality time with me..... what did he chose instead?... to go out drinking with his mates... and not see his kids at all...

How crap does that make me feel?? Very is the answer.... its 9:30pm here, I'd sent him a kind of no contact letter in the form of a text, I laid everything out, how I felt what I wanted and what I was going to do. I sent it at 6:30pm and I appreciate that he may have gone out & thats why he's not replying, but I'm now sat wondering if he's with another woman..... because what could keep a man away from an amazing weekend ..... I'm emotional today time of the month, ladies I'm sure you understand! 
But I just want this to end  I sat looking at my babies this evening, they are gorgeous, I am truly blessed. If he doesn't want to be in their lives its his loss, I'm a good mummy, I am.. sometimes I feel like ive failed them, I cried yesterday and apologised to them the I'd be better soon, my 8 year old & 7 year old told me I was the best mummy in the world, I wasn't rubbish, their daddy is... I said I didn't want them to talk like that (he'd just blame me) my son said but its true & I'll tell him, he's made me sad, he doesn't want to help you when you're poorly, that makes him rubbish....he's 7....no kid should ever have to feel like that about their daddy, breaks my heart  please may I have hugs  really need them tonight x
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

OMG AmI...so sorry hunny  ..i'm really sad for you and the kids...Your kids sound really bright...if he continues that they will now want to have anything to do with him. For him to ignore you is one thing BUT the kids....there is no excuse in the world let alone the excuse that he needs to go out... I can't believe he is doing that...so sorry for the pain you're feeling...(((((((BIG HUGS ))))))))) 
Wish i was there to give you a real one and to hang out with you so we can talk...
Gosh you need a break...


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

> I'm a good mummy, I am.. sometimes I feel like ive failed them, I cried yesterday and apologised to them the I'd be better soon, *my 8 year old & 7 year old told me I was the best mummy in the world*,


how many times have I told you, now listen to your kids, they are not telling you to make you feel better, they are telling you because that is what they believe.

Like vivea said, wish I could give you a real on, but a cyber hug will have to do 
(((((((BIG HUGS )))))))))


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

HUGGGGGGGGGG. Jeez I wish could give you a real one, this is just unfair. What super kids you have, they must take after their mum. 

You are a fantastic mum, and a brave, strong, beautiful woman.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Babyheart said:


> HUGGGGGGGGGG. Jeez I wish could give you a real one, this is just unfair. What super kids you have, they must take after their mum.
> 
> You are a fantastic mum, and a brave, strong, beautiful woman.


:iagree: 110%


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Thank you all, I just don't understand him & I guess I never will, if he's not bothered about spending time with us, why the hell am I bothering? I drove past the spot where he proposed, it hurt so much that we've gone from being so in love to him treating me like this.

I kept praying he'd turn up here, that he's realised he's made a mistake, but I know it won't happen. Think its time to cut my losses, I've been awake all night thinking. I've said my piece, ive done all I can do. Right now all I want is him, maybe that's just because he's all I've ever known, what if there's someone out there, who will love me, treat me like I'm a princess etc.... someone I connect to more than my H? I may be single forever, who knows?.... 

April 27th, it will be 6mths, if he makes contact telling me he wants to go to mc etc then ok. But that's my cut off point.... I've not told him that... it may change... but that's my goal...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Thank you all, I just don't understand him & I guess I never will, if he's not bothered about spending time with us, why the hell am I bothering? I drove past the spot where he proposed, it hurt so much that we've gone from being so in love to him treating me like this.
> 
> I kept praying he'd turn up here, that he's realised he's made a mistake, but I know it won't happen. Think its time to cut my losses, I've been awake all night thinking. I've said my piece, ive done all I can do. Right now all I want is him, maybe that's just because he's all I've ever known, what if there's someone out there, who will love me, treat me like I'm a princess etc.... someone I connect to more than my H?


:waves: heeelllooooo,  



> I may be single forever, who knows?....


na, you will be single for a while, but not forever.



> April 27th, it will be 6mths, if he makes contact telling me he wants to go to mc etc then ok. But that's my cut off point.... I've not told him that... it may change... but that's my goal...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Boundaries, control, you are in charge, remember that, and live by that, and all will be fine


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

AmI hunny you're so young and I'm sure so beautiful...there is no way you'll be single forever...no way...understand. You should not worry one bit about it. The guys will be lining up for you...that is not the issue...the issue is to be able to move on and leave the past behind...that is your goal. You will love again and will be loved and treated the way you deserve..like a princess.
I just hope your H. gets out of his selfish coma and realizes what he is losing...The worst is if he realizes too late and you've already moved on...i pray that he does NOW before more damage is done .


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

vivea said:


> AmI hunny you're so young and I'm sure so beautiful...there is no way you'll be single forever...no way...understand. You should not worry one bit about it. The guys will be lining up for you...that is not the issue...the issue is to be able to move on and leave the past behind...that is your goal. You will love again and will be loved and treated the way you deserve..like a princess.
> I just hope your H. gets out of his selfish coma and realizes what he is losing...The worst is if he realizes too late and you've already moved on...i pray that he does NOW before more damage is done .


I've just in from a night of 'clubbing' ive got new hair colour, I dressed up, but just felt so awkward, I went out, danced, smiled & had men flirting with me & trying to dance with me, but there was no way I could bring myself to do anything. 

I won't go into detail, but H texted me & he was out with his.mates, Id sent him a picture of me... I was drunk & I wanted to show him I wasn't sat @ home crying.... he said I looked good.. he then was texting me & it got.weird I asked of he loved me & he wouldn't reply. Well @ 2am he called, told me that he doesn't love me & I am a c*nt, well they say you speak the truth with some dutch courage. I now believe him, he said it in front of his.mate too... so that's nice. 

Viv, I don't think I'm the most attractive girl in the world.. but I'm a nice person & I.don't know why all these bad things are happening to me, I want to run away from it all, pick up my children & just run away, but I can't. How do I let Ho of something I really love?

But I have no choice. I need support from him & he won't give it, that's not my husband.... why do I want someone who'll treat me like that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Men are pricks, I'm one of them...drinking and friends makes us bigger pricks, but not where it counts...

Don't run cause that makes him win all the more...stand tall, be proud...be the best MOM you can be...

you'll be fine, I know you will...


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Grrrr what a W****R.... how dare he call you & say that crap. He needs a good kick a certain somewhere. 

However... if he didn't have feelings for you, he wouldn't have called.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I really don't think he does. I'm washing my hands, when he said he didn't love me, it didn't hurt as much, I felt almost numb... when I was typing out my message I shed a tear, but it was like a realisation... my husband is gone, he's never going to be the man my husband was. I don't love his replacement... the children & I deserve better. I think I've mentioned I've got a very good male friend who I've know for years, who 7 years ago told me I wasn't treated right, he wanted me to leave my H & that he was falling for me..we stopped contact for a while etc.. anyways, when my H threw the ironing board at me on xmas day last year, my friend stopped his xmas dinner with his family & just talked me through, calmed me down... hes been a great support.3 weeks ago, he said, when Im over all this, he's waiting for me, he's been single for 5years, he said no.one makes him feel the way I do! Well I've just called him he's taking me out for dinner in 2 weeks... no funny business, but I'm going to see how a gentleman treats a lady....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Well your friend sounds perfect. You will look back at this in a year & wonder why you ever let yourself be so miserable. Life is about to look up for you!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

When you think of how your future was going to be, then it changes, its so hard to cope wi
/th, I love my H, I do, but he's not my H anymore, I firmly believe things happen for a reason, I may not understand, I may hate it, but I'm hoping because something better is coming. I hope karma bites him hard & he realises when the novelty of being a single bloke wears off & he's not with his amazing kids & a wife that adores him, that he becomes a lonely old man & begs & pleads, I want to be strong enough to say 'sorry we don't want you:'
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

AmImad said:


> When you think of how your future was going to be, then it changes, its so hard to cope wi
> /th, I love my H, I do, but he's not my H anymore, I firmly believe things happen for a reason, I may not understand, I may hate it, but I'm hoping because something better is coming. I hope karma bites him hard & he realises when the novelty of being a single bloke wears off & he's not with his amazing kids & a wife that adores him, that he becomes a lonely old man & begs & pleads, I want to be strong enough to say 'sorry we don't want you:'
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am so with you....

Apparently all that counts for my ex-husband is money....not unconditional love....well, I understand that money isn't everything....

I wish the same as you, but I want him to realize it soon....and then I want to have him living in limbo a while before I take him back....

A woman can dream, right ?!?!?!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

rome2012 said:


> I am so with you....
> 
> Apparently all that counts for my ex-husband is money....not unconditional love....well, I understand that money isn't everything....
> 
> ...


I would for him to him feel a fraction of the pain that I am going through, have him wonder what's happening whether we love him or not... 

I don't know why he feels the need to call me names, probably makes him feel manly....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I would for him to him feel a fraction of the pain that I am going through, have him wonder what's happening whether we love him or not...


Same feelings as I have for my W 



> I don't know why he feels the need to call me names, probably makes him feel manly....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


reverting to childhood antics to cope? 
Makes him feel more in control?
Being the 'big man' in front of his mates?


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

His mate doesn't even know me, thats what annoys me so much, I don't know what he's said about me or why he left me. He went out with his mate that's cheating on his wife.... he has such lovely friends. I'm so frustrated with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

AmImad said:


> I really don't think he does. I'm washing my hands, when he said he didn't love me, it didn't hurt as much, I felt almost numb... when I was typing out my message I shed a tear, but it was like a realisation... my husband is gone, he's never going to be the man my husband was. I don't love his replacement... the children & I deserve better. I think I've mentioned I've got a very good male friend who I've know for years, who 7 years ago told me I wasn't treated right, he wanted me to leave my H & that he was falling for me..we stopped contact for a while etc.. anyways, when my H threw the ironing board at me on xmas day last year, my friend stopped his xmas dinner with his family & just talked me through, calmed me down... hes been a great support.3 weeks ago, he said, when Im over all this, he's waiting for me, he's been single for 5years, he said no.one makes him feel the way I do! Well I've just called him he's taking me out for dinner in 2 weeks... no funny business, but I'm going to see how a gentleman treats a lady....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:smthumbup: I feel the same way about the man I once loved not being the same one I married. You do grow numb after repeated attacks and insults. It's like being hit in the same place over and over again. The first few times it draws blood and it hurts like hell but then it gets numb..and soon you won't feel it anymore. I eagerly await the day when I don't feel it anymore. Getting there, but not quite there yet. I still backslide. 

I know what you are going through. I screwed up and saw my husband last night and it pretty much sucked. Won't do that again. All you can do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off, hold your head up and resolve to keep on going, to do better. Don't blame yourself!! You got your kids to take care of and you will take care of yourself!

One day you'll go to that club and HAVE a good time. You'll start healing! But you'll have bad days too.  I guess it's all part of the process. 

It's good that you have a supportive friend. Until recently I'd say "stay away from that friend until you are fully healed" but now I'm not so sure. It might be a good idea to be with someone who makes you feel good..but go in with your eyes open and be careful! You don't want to end up getting hurt or hurt the other guy if you are still in love with your husband. 

But to spend time with someone else and have fun with them. To laugh and talk and just relax with another person..it's a good thing. I know my friends/hobbies are a big support to me. It makes me feel like I do have some worth..that I'm not the horrible person my husband makes me out to be because other people do like and appreciate my company. 

What your husband did was just horrible. What a total a*sswipe.  Remember THAT person the next time you start missing your husband. Why did he call you names and do that? Because he wanted to look like a big guy in front of his friend. His friends sound like total a-holes and I'm sure they are encouraging him to do that sort of thing. He'll probably be texting you soon to apologize. I'd ignore those texts.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> :smthumbup: I feel the same way about the man I once loved not being the same one I married. You do grow numb after repeated attacks and insults. It's like being hit in the same place over and over again. The first few times it draws blood and it hurts like hell but then it gets numb..and soon you won't feel it anymore. I eagerly await the day when I don't feel it anymore. Getting there, but not quite there yet. I still backslide.


damn, I hope you are right, just thinking of W now and I start crying


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Yeah. *HUG* This happens. I haven't shed many tears because so much of me is just relieved not to be living with him anymore and now I don't even miss him. It's when I spend time with him that all the anger and resentment comes out and ruins things. 

I spent time with him last night to see if that was over. It isn't. It takes time. We must be patient with ourselves...because it's really not about THEM..but about ourselves dealing with the situation, right?


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

He just called me, damn with held numbers! Basically tore out my heart yet again (but I didn't let it show) He's told me how happy he is, he doesn't ever want to be with me because he hates me.. Of the way I am and use the kids WTF? I took the kids away this weekend and he didn't see them although he was invited to join us. He said that I am a c*nt yet again, that I'm just after sympathy?... ERRRRM ok maybe a little, I have been dumped by the man I love, looking after 3 heart broken children, getting diagnosed with breast cancer having to have radio therapy and deal with it on my own... so yeah if I ask for a hug or say I feel low it is probably because I do want a bit of sympathy. He said we are done, he could never come back to me, because he doesn't like who I am.... He doesn't like fact I wont tell him anything, or talk to him when HE wants to know what's going on. He said that it was obviously bad news from the consultant "so good luck with that" said in a condesending voice... so I just said yeah it was.. it went silent he said "f*ck" and I hung up.

My cancer has spread, treatment is being changed, being given 3 more weeks and another set of painful tests, if nothing changes, then chemo.. I am 30 and a mother of 3 and sat on my own on my sofa with my laptop sobbing my guts out, wishing the one man I really need right now, was here loving me, like he promised to the day he married me.

In short I'm f*cked.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Oh my god girl I am so sorry. Wish I could be there to help you out. What a frakking @@@hole is. 

Why do they try to make themselves the victims in the situation? Why wouldn't you want sympathy? Imagine if he had to be in your shoes. He'd fall apart in a day or two. But you have to be strong for the kids, and yourself, no matter how incredibly tough it is. And the one who was supposed to be your greatest ally just pisses off & leaves you to deal with it.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

:wtf: A man who is making my husband look good..

You poor thing...*hug*. This guy is pure turd. Unbelievable. :slap:

Do yourself a BIG favor. Change your number or block his or do WHATEVER it takes to cut him off from you. You don't need this! You can't deal with it..you have too much on your plate already! 

Don't answer his calls and change your phone number, block it..WHATEVER you have to do!!

Let HIM worry about it. Just do it! You have to maintain your mental health so you can deal with yourself physically. 

Oh my lord, what a complete and utter piece of defecation that man is!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> :wtf: A man who is making my husband look good..
> 
> You poor thing...*hug*. This guy is pure turd. Unbelievable. :slap:
> 
> ...


agree 110% !!


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

:iagree:


HUGS


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

oh, AmImad.....I'm so sorry that you are being dragged through hell by your H.....

TOTALLY agree with the above - DON'T answer the phone to him - you can't deal with that crap right now. It's too much!!!!!!!

It sounds like he is very scared and that is why he is lashing out at you.....he is obviously in a total mess, a melt down, he doesn't know what he is doing, he's off the rails and you are in the firing line............

My husband I think was similar - angry, lashing out, shouting at me, everything was 'my fault'......he sounded totally off the rails, in a mess, stressed and it was easy to make me the witch......

Are you having any counseling? You need to off load all this crap on someone impartial.....does the breast care team have a counselor? Often you can get things done quite quickly through them. Is your GP aware of the situation?

(((((BIG BIG HUGS GOING OUT TO YOU TONIGHT))))))


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## *everafter* (Nov 7, 2010)

AmImad said:


> He just called me, damn with held numbers! Basically tore out my heart yet again (but I didn't let it show) He's told me how happy he is, he doesn't ever want to be with me because he hates me.. Of the way I am and use the kids WTF? I took the kids away this weekend and he didn't see them although he was invited to join us. He said that I am a c*nt yet again, that I'm just after sympathy?... ERRRRM ok maybe a little, I have been dumped by the man I love, looking after 3 heart broken children, getting diagnosed with breast cancer having to have radio therapy and deal with it on my own... so yeah if I ask for a hug or say I feel low it is probably because I do want a bit of sympathy. He said we are done, he could never come back to me, because he doesn't like who I am.... He doesn't like fact I wont tell him anything, or talk to him when HE wants to know what's going on. He said that it was obviously bad news from the consultant "so good luck with that" said in a condesending voice... so I just said yeah it was.. it went silent he said "f*ck" and I hung up.
> 
> My cancer has spread, treatment is being changed, being given 3 more weeks and another set of painful tests, if nothing changes, then chemo.. I am 30 and a mother of 3 and sat on my own on my sofa with my laptop sobbing my guts out, wishing the one man I really need right now, was here loving me, like he promised to the day he married me.
> 
> In short I'm f*cked.


Am I mad,

I am so, so sorry about what you're going through! All my troubles with my stbxh are laughable in comparison to what you're going through.
I wish I could give you a great big hug and just be there for you! 
I pray that it will all work out well for you and you fight this beast. And I don't mean your scumbag husband.
If you want to talk PM me and I'll send you my phone number.
All the love in the world for you!


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

AmI..OMG girl...i'm speechless ...i just want to tell you one more time that you are amazing...you're so strong.
I'm sorry about your health , good is coming your way...there is no way God will let you suffer that much...I refuse to believe.

Your H. is so lost that he'll never find happiness, without you he'll be so pathetic that he won't be able to stand himself...you know WHY because he is not able to fully love someone...he is incapable to truly love.

Please take care of yourself and your beautiful kids.I would say to try and completely cut him off from your life but I know that it's easy to say. I'm just so disappointed in human nature at the moment...how can someone behave like that.I don't get it.
We all know he has this condition but still ... my God what a cold hearted bastard..... 

hugs hunny...i really wish i was there for you...i'm just so sad that I know about this and can't do a thing to help you... it sucks so much


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Thank you all so much, I am sorry I didn't reply last night, I just was in a bit of self pitying mode. 

He called once more after I posted, I don't know why he bothered, he carried on with the mental abuse, I did end up just sat there crying, I just asked him why he has to be so horrible? He doesn't seem concerned for my health, he wasn't crying he was just barking at me yet again..so I refused to tell him what is going on with me, I did get angry and said I will make a living will, and that I didn't want the kids going to him.. Which hurt him alot.. but I was angry...

He said he didn't come this weekend, because it would mean spending time with me, then in the next breath, said he wants to come over for dinner on Wednesday and put the kids to bed... I'm sorry but doesn't he realise I will be there... and he would have to spend time with me?!

He told me that I've got confidence.. (someone please tell me where I can find it?!) and I've lost weight and I look good, I'll soon find someone else. He keeps asking if I've got someone else... am I looking for someone else... Seriously if I was would I try and work on my marriage?

He keeps asking me what is there to save, what's the point of him asking me? I could reel off a list as long as my arm, he's never going to listen. 

I asked him if he was truly happy, he said he will be when he moves into his own place.. He later text saying he wasn't happy... but he's happy he's not with me.. I never replied..


I told him to call my spare mobile phone to talk to the kids, I'll make sure it's charged, I'll leave it on the coffee table and the kids can have their own 'Daddy hotline'
He went mad at me, telling me he'll call whatever phone he wants, when he wants... I tried to explain he wouldn't have to deal with me, the kids can answer and hang up... But no, he just shouted me down, what a suprise.. I got bored of being had a go at so 
I just said 
"Tell me you don't want me ever, I will get out of your life I won't need to talk to you, you can do whatever you want and I wont be part of it"

There was a long pause and he said..

"I dont want you"

I just said "Fine" and hung up. He then texted me saying as I told you the truth, can you tell me what the consultant said?

"No" ... thats it.. I spoke to a friend last night, who is going through rubbish with his own relationship last night, and he was such a help, he made me realise why the NC is so important... That my H isn't going to listen to reason no matter what I say, he's not going to say "wow that makes so much sense, why didn't I see it before"

My H said "It's coming up on 5 months, I'm not back, what does that tell you"

I just can't be bothered any more, all my fight has gone, when I went to bed last night, I felt like I don't actually want to talk to him again.. maybe I am gettin to the point of no return who knows?... but just now... the way I feel.. I would be happy if maintenece appeared in my bank every month and I never had to deal with him again..


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Step 1, block him from calling your mobile, that means no call, no txt from him.
Step 2, leave the spare mobile on the coffee table.
Step 3, make sure the kids know you are not available to talk to H if he asks.

You go girl, you are doing great, remember, family, friends us here are all with you xx


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> Step 1, block him from calling your mobile, that means no call, no txt from him.
> Step 2, leave the spare mobile on the coffee table.
> Step 3, make sure the kids know you are not available to talk to H if he asks.
> 
> You go girl, you are doing great, remember, family, friends us here are all with you xx


Thank you *hugs* Life is so crap right now, please can someone stop the world, I'd like to get off...

He texted this am, about our daughters bday which is this Sunday, I haven't replied as yet.. I don't know what to do anymore, would love him to be part of her birthday, I mean he is her father.. but at the same time...


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## Talias (Dec 22, 2010)

OMG!!! Please consider me added to the hug-fest! I'm soooo sorry you're having to deal with so much at once! I'll be thinking of you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Talias said:


> OMG!!! Please consider me added to the hug-fest! I'm soooo sorry you're having to deal with so much at once! I'll be thinking of you!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you very much.
It's lovely how strangers care more, than someone I dedicated my life to for 15 years *shrugs*

xxxx


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Oh and I forgot to say... another reason he doesn't want to come home is because I didn't have a job in the past... I plan on working come Sept when our youngest starts full time school.. that was always the plan... But he said it had to take this for me to get a job?! Errrm confused I am?! 

He said if I was working before he wouldn't be so tired of it all and disillusioned....

Anyone care to explain that last sentance to me? So me being a full time mum to 3 children and his housekeeper where he didn't lift a finger?.... thats not a job?


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Sounds a lot like mine. He has said I was greedy by expecting him to do as much as he did. All the stuff he did - like cooking dinner the 2 nights a week I was at classes until 11pm, and getting the kids up for school the next mornings. Which he was up anyway to go to work & I only slept on if the little guy stayed asleep. 

For Petes sake, they are such babies. Not sure what they expect. Us to do everything at home, and bring in a salary as well. And be waiting at the door for them with pipe & slippers when they come in???


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Babyheart said:


> Sounds a lot like mine. He has said I was greedy by expecting him to do as much as he did. All the stuff he did - like cooking dinner the 2 nights a week I was at classes until 11pm, and getting the kids up for school the next mornings. Which he was up anyway to go to work & I only slept on if the little guy stayed asleep.
> 
> For Petes sake, they are such babies. Not sure what they expect. Us to do everything at home, and bring in a salary as well. And be waiting at the door for them with pipe & slippers when they come in???


I was doing a Open University course from home, so I didn't ever need him to babysit, he didn't get up when the kids were tiny, never did one night feed.. EVER and I had c-sections with all of mine, his one job was on a Wednesday night, to put the wheelie bin out for the dustcart on Thurs am. He would cook occasionally and my H is an amazing cook (I miss his steak and peppercorn sauce)  He would sometimes cook on a Sunday for our family meal, but I would be left to clear up the mess.

I am feeling pretty low atm after a bout of RT this morning, I keep wishing he would just come home, make me that yummy dinner, curl up on the sofa and then snuggle up in bed with me. Why doesn't he ever think like that? Or maybe he does, but never says anything *shrugs* 

He never told me he wanted me to work... never, the plan was when the lil one went to school I'd work as a Teachers assistant at my kids school till my course was finished...

That's what frustrates me!


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Crankshaw said:


> Step 1, block him from calling your mobile, that means no call, no txt from him.
> Step 2, leave the spare mobile on the coffee table.
> Step 3, make sure the kids know you are not available to talk to H if he asks.


Holy crap! You've GOT to do this at the very least!! If you can, CHANGE your number and DO NOT give it to him!

He's piling on the mental abuse like crazy! And you're sick! And the mother of his children? :wtf: I mean, this guy is NUTS!

Don't fight back or try to reason with him. AVOID HIM LIKE THE PLAGUE! Why answer the phone and let him pile this crap on you? You don't deserve that! You don't have to take it! 

Let him deal with the kids himself and CUT OFF all contact with you and he'll have to make arrangements to pick up the kids and spend time with them on his own. Don't get involved. LEAVE when he comes over!! Don't make yourself available for him to trample you like this! Obviously he's really enjoying putting you down. I hope he dies a slow, horrid death in the private hell he's going to. 

My Lord, if you were on this side of the ocean I'd take you out for a steak dinner. You need some lovin'! *HUG* Hold on and be strong for yourself and your kids. If he asks for a drink you spit in it, y'hear? What a total a*sswipe...*shakes head*

Don't answer his calls!! Delete his texts Get on here and reread this thread to remind you if you are tempted! You need to look out for #1 and that's YOU. (and your kids but if YOU aren't sane and healthy you can't take care of them!) 

You send him over here, I'm going to kick his sorry a*ss and then leave tread marks on his back when I run him over with my Jeep. Yah, we'll see who is so tough when I get through with him!


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

Has he filed for divorce yet? I dont see you saying that he has a lawyer. Mabey he is just out having his fun and will be back when he is finished. My stbx filed a couple months after he left. if he is serious he would have already started the proceedings.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

bellringer said:


> Has he filed for divorce yet? I dont see you saying that he has a lawyer. Mabey he is just out having his fun and will be back when he is finished. My stbx filed a couple months after he left. if he is serious he would have already started the proceedings.


No, he hasn't. He said to me to file and he'll sign for adultery and I've said no as I'm not the one who wants the divorce, I said he can do it just state unreasonable behaviour if he is so desperate.. He said "No it will take to long" then in the next breath "I'm in no hurry, I'll just wait for the 2 years"

I don't understand him


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

I dont think your husband Is serious, but they way he is acting is cruel. he might be sorry when you finally get strong and dont want him back. he might be figuring your still waiting for him so he can play games with you. you really need to go nc with him, I mean even if he calls about the kids birthday I would just text him no you can have your own party with them I already have plans with them and you are not invited. my stbx had his own party with my son. I didnt invite him to it, he did ask me if his family was invited to it, i told him no. I dont answer his calls unless I think there important about my son, when he leaves messages on the answering machine, I listen and If there nonsense calls I dont call back, most of them are. see how you feel when he dont reply to your tests, well thats what he will feel when you dont reply to his.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

bellringer said:


> I dont think your husband Is serious, but they way he is acting is cruel. he might be sorry when you finally get strong and dont want him back. he might be figuring your still waiting for him so he can play games with you. you really need to go nc with him, I mean even if he calls about the kids birthday I would just text him no you can have your own party with them I already have plans with them and you are not invited. my stbx had his own party with my son. I didnt invite him to it, he did ask me if his family was invited to it, i told him no. I dont answer his calls unless I think there important about my son, when he leaves messages on the answering machine, I listen and If there nonsense calls I dont call back, most of them are. see how you feel when he dont reply to your tests, well thats what he will feel when you dont reply to his.


I don't know what he thinks or feels any more, and I made a promise to my friend last night, that I would not contact him and I haven't.. Ok, it's only 3pm but I haven't even been tempted. You're right, I do tell him that I still want him, and that I want to work on it, I'm not going to say it again, I think that while he knows that I am here waiting he can go and do what he likes... live his single life then come home when he's done. Well he's in for a shock now.

As for the birthday, we're not having a party and he's told the children he's coming, so I will put up with it for this weekend, but he's the one who's going to be wondering what's going on when I don't talk to him at all, all week and then he's going to see me. I've not seen him in 2 weeks and I've changed my appearance alot in that time..


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

Remember when he says positive things its only when your not speaking to him, thats to get you back where he wants you. do not respond to anything he has to say,good or bad. like I said only if it pertains to the children, and most of the time it wont because you have them and the divorce isnt started so there isnt a child visitation or child support order you need to discuss. so its most likely he will try to talk about the kids but it will really be to see whats up with you. trust me my stbx dont call 50 times a day to talk to my son for 3 seconds, its to see if were home and what we are doing. if my son and I go out, if I drop him at my sisters for an hour, my stbx is calling all day long, if he was so concerned about missing my son he knows I dont have a problem with him picking him up more, I have told him to take him out more, he is always calling my son saying I miss you(to my son) yet he dont do anything about it, its because if he missed him that much he could come pick him up for an hour or so. so I dont believe he calls 50 times to say he misses him.


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

once you start getting yourself strong and your never home like my son and I, they dont like it, they like to know where you are all the time. my son and I are never home and I think it bothers ex that I am not sitting here waiting for a call. and half the time while we are out he will be calling my cell all night. I will have my son call him back once, and he will question my son as to where we are and if mommy is with him. I do like to see him squirm a little so if we are out and he calls my cell I will have my son call from the house phone of where we are at and then he gets real worried about where we are cause its not my number showing up on the phone. then he really starts wondering and calling more. but the nc has helped me move on and not care what he thinks anymore. I went out this saturday and had a blast, didnt think I could meet anyone and guess what wasnt even looking to meet anyone, minding my own business and a nice guy aproached me and we talked for over an hour and if he gave me his nimber and If he asks me out I will go on a date. nothing serious though, I am not ready for that. concentrating on myself and my son right now. am in no hurry to introduce my son to any guys yet.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

He has texted me several times this afternoon asking about what our daughter would like for her birthday and if he could take her out next weekend and buy her things.. I've replied once saying, it wouldn't be fair to take her on her own and not seeing our other 2 children.. I mean seriously, does this man have a brain in his head?! Take out one child for a nice day out, leaving the other 2 (who are 8 and 7) at home when he wont have seen them all week and wont for another week!? Grrrr He's textd since and I've come to the conclusion, he is just texting me about the kids, to get me to talk... Well I am not falling for that one...


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Well I am not falling for that one...


For how long? Are you serious this time? When are you _really _ going to be done with his BS? 

I thought you had it together after he refused to help you with the car, but you didn't. You caved. You're certainly not hurting him by allowing him to disrespect you the way he does. Who ended up hurt when you talked to him? 

You're virtually begging the man to treat you like dirt.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> For how long? Are you serious this time? When are you _really _ going to be done with his BS?
> 
> I thought you had it together after he refused to help you with the car, but you didn't. You caved. You're certainly not hurting him by allowing him to disrespect you the way he does. Who ended up hurt when you talked to him?
> 
> You're virtually begging the man to treat you like dirt.


No, I am not, I didn't beg him to talk to me or beg him to come home, he was the one sending me texts he was the one that called me when he was drunk, I have stood my ground, I have told him what I want/need, I haven't given in and told him how 'I' am, which is what is making him angry, he seems to think he can live away and I will still inform him of everything that is going on with me and I have told him didly squat! I've spoken to him about the children only when it was important, I've arranged for him to call at a certain time to speak to them. 

Ok, yes I did get a little upset last night, I hurt him and I wasn't proud of that fact. I got upset, because I wanted to tell him what was going on with me, but I wanted him to be here, to hold me whilst I told him... you have no idea how f*cking scared I am, and I feel like I am going it alone, I am sat here crying now.. I've had treatment today, I am so weak, I went to the supermarket and bought a spit roast chicken for the childrens dinner, as I can't even bring myself to cook from scratch, I wish things were different but they are not.

I hung up on him last night, I wouldn't tell him when he texted. I didn't reply... if I wasn't going through all of this and I didn't have 3 kids, I know I would be so much stronger, I know you all think that I am a fool, but he hasn't always been this person and yeah I am mourning the loss of the person he was, I don't know why he's convinced himself everything was so bad. I sometimes feel like he wants me to tell him everything was good, to 'remind' him, he always asks "What is there to save" 
"Why do you want to be with me" I know I shouldn't want to be with him, but I don't want to be with this person, I want my H.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> No, I am not, I didn't beg him to talk to me or beg him to come home, he was the one sending me texts he was the one that called me when he was drunk, I have stood my ground, I have told him what I want/need, I haven't given in and told him how 'I' am, which is what is making him angry, he seems to think he can live away and I will still inform him of everything that is going on with me and I have told him didly squat! I've spoken to him about the children only when it was important, I've arranged for him to call at a certain time to speak to them.


You sent him a picture of you.
You answered the phone when it wasn't about the children.
You allowed him to say horrible things to you.
You allowed him to get away with the withheld number trick. You cried on the phone, which showed him you're still invested.
You asked about his happiness.

Those things are not a part of NC. 

You can see the reaction his loss of control has garnered. He's going crazy because you're not succumbing to his every wish. You'll get even better results after _actually_ practicing NC.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

AmI...he needs to do a list like the one my H. sent me...i guess that list made him realize what he'll be losing. He needs to put in a list the positive and the negative and see which side outweighs the other ...
I don't know...he seems so lost...like most people that leave..

NC is a step really needed for him...sucks because of the kids you can't do a real NC but do whatever you can...
I understand about the job...i also had plans to start my business once the little one reaches 2 years old...i have been investing already into it....H. never told me that he wanted me to work but he was excited about it, ...i'm sure his attitude would have been different...
.....sorry i was busy giving you purpose in your materialistic life...i'm giving you a family... but you're blind to see that.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

AmImad said:


> As for the birthday, we're not having a party and he's told the children he's coming, so I will put up with it for this weekend, but he's the one who's going to be wondering what's going on when I don't talk to him at all, all week and then he's going to see me. I've not seen him in 2 weeks and I've changed my appearance alot in that time..


I'd tell him he's not welcome at your house and let him make his own arrangements for the birthday get together, on his own time, in his own place and way, as Bellringer suggested. Just let him take the kids and be done with him!

You really have to do a "180" and just cut him off from you. He's toxic. If you eat something and it makes you sick, do you keep eating it? By allowing yourself to be exposed to this man and his brand of cruelty you are not making things better. You have to stop the calls. DON'T ANSWER. Do NOT respond to his texts. Let him see the kids ON HIS OWN and make it clear that YOUR door is NOT open to him. 

At the very least you'll be rid of his abuse. Or it may burn him around but at least it'll get you on stable ground not having to deal with it. 

The stress of all this is not helping your health. He should be ashamed of himself..


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> I'd tell him he's not welcome at your house and let him make his own arrangements for the birthday get together, on his own time, in his own place and way, as Bellringer suggested. Just let him take the kids and be done with him!
> 
> You really have to do a "180" and just cut him off from you. He's toxic. If you eat something and it makes you sick, do you keep eating it? By allowing yourself to be exposed to this man and his brand of cruelty you are not making things better. You have to stop the calls. DON'T ANSWER. Do NOT respond to his texts. Let him see the kids ON HIS OWN and make it clear that YOUR door is NOT open to him.
> 
> ...



He isn't coming to my house, We are meeting up and going to the Zoo, the children know we are going together that's what our daughter wanted, and I will do it for my kids, I have thought long and hard about it, I can stomach a couple of days with him around as we'll be out doing things. There will be no 'us' talk as it's about our kids. I will look nice, I will be happy, I'm not going to be hanging on his every word. I have changed, I do feel stronger, the future without him, doesn't look so bleak.

But I would like to give our marriage a shot, but I've said what I need to say. I have shown him I am getting on with it, yes I sent him that pic, showed him what he is missing.. it worked though didn't it, he is jealous. I just wish the stupid fool would act on it.

I am not sat here crying all the time any more, believe me I have my moments, but now the name calling doesn't do anything.. sadly I think I am not used to it. But he's not getting a rise out of me. 

If he is really serious about wanting to get back with me at any point he knows where I am, I'm not going to chase him, I am not going to boost his ego. I do love him. I've told him that, I don't need to again. The ball is well and truly in his court.

I am concentrating on me, my health and my babies. He isn't even a close 3rd...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Also I forgot to say, he was trying to tell knew what we were doing on Sunday, what would be better for him.. I set him straight & told him that we were going to the cinema, then lunch, then we'd be going home so I can play with my daughter & her birthday gifts.

I felt quite good that I didn't just agree to what he wanted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

:smthumbup: Good for you! I'm afraid that spending time with him will set you back. I know that when I spend too much time and get too involved with my husband it's a huge set back (as in last Saturday night). I've resolved not to allow that situation to happen because of all the stress and misery it causes. 

I agree that when it comes to your kid's birthday you have no choice. He's their father and if your daughter wants everyone together than that's how it has to be. Maybe in the future or when the kids get older and more used to the situation (assuming it doesn't change) you can modify it but for now keeping the kids happy is more important than anything else so a few hours of discomfort may have to be in order to attain that. 

You're strong and you have the right idea but the only thing I'd say is that you really need to stop the phone conversations beyond what is completely necessary. Keep it short, business like and if he starts the name calling and abuse then HANG UP ON HIM and turn the phone off! It's a lot less painful then what he's putting you through! 

Don't send him any pics either. When he sees you and he doesn't get the response from you that he expects he'll know that things have changed. 

You go girl! Stick it to him!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Thank you Freak, He has sent me a few texts today... I am still confused, it's so difficult to read 'emotion' from blinking text messages...

But basically the conversation was about getting to know each other again.. taking things slow, that he is having trouble with the see-sawing... (well the see-sawing is basically me, not talking to him, him getting the arse ache, thus resulting in a row) 

I did ask if he missed me, He said "I haven't had much of a chance to see the nice you recently so no".. Notice how it's my fault again?

I just said well it's the same for me funnily enough..and you have done this, I don't like who you are and I'm not missing the nasty you... (Honestly he hasn't always treated me this way..)

He said he'd like to get through this weekend and go from there, if we can be nice and get on, he'd like to spend more time with me...

I haven't replied. So out of the 7 messages he has sent today I have replied with 2, and ignored his one phone call, I didn't answer as I thought if it was important he'd leave a vmail he hasn't.

I still don't know if it's a control thing, or if the fog is clearing for him. I know I am going to be given a virtual slap for replying, but this is the first positive thing he has done, but again I don't know if he's being sincere or just a power hungry git again..

He used to worship the ground I walked on, he would watch me walk down the road to his house, I had an eating disorder when we first got together, he was there at the hospital every single day. He would come home with my favourite flowers. He would arrange romantic evenings in, where he would replicate the meal we had at my favourite restaurant in the world on the night he proposed, every year he would make me a valentines day card, he would come home from work with little gifts occasionally. When I was ill, (this is what really gets me) he would run a bath, get the blankets out, tuck me up on the sofa, wait on me, making sure I had drinks, when we went to Dubai, I had a horrendous migraine, he went out in search of medicine. He didn't drink, do drugs, he was a little addicted to his computer, but with his aspergers, it really didn't help, and you do make allowances., but he was someone completely different to the person he is now.

I know everything I write recently makes him sound like a monster and right now, that's exactly what he is. But he hasn't always been this way.. Can you understand why I want my old husband back? The man I described above is the man I am still in love with.

I keep thinking that if I show him the nice me again, be someone he wants to be around (Like the 180 suggests) things could be better, because if I was the 'friendly' nice me again, he would miss me? *sigh*


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Well I decided to test the water a little.. to see if I could work out if he was being sincere or just a jerk again..

I just asked if he misses the kisses.. (he always loved to kiss me) he just replied, I don't understand the relevance of that. So in short yes he is still being a jerk, he could have sent a nice heart felt msg, he had an opportunity and he didn't take it.

I just said I'll take that silence as a no, enjoy your evening. I've got the answer I was looking for no more wondering, no more over thinking his messages, hoping there was more to it. I am such a f*cking mug.

So back to the NC corner I go. Why should I be the 'nice' me, when there is no 'nice' him yet. 

I will be the nice me at the weekend for my babies sake, but that's it. I'm glad I didn't let him reel me in completely and knock me back down.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

AmI...i believe you hunny...H. was the same way ..the most romantic loving thing on earth...honestly...i couldn't believe my luck to meet such an amazing guy...and he's good looking guy too...younger than me.
Always nice to me, always smiling at me no matter what,never ever raised his voice on me ...never ,never called me names,always made me feel sexy with his comments, he would do scrapbooks for me for different occasions,birth of kids,vacations...he would save little things from these events and than he'll glue them to the scrapbook .He was just amazing person.
That is why i was totally shocked from his behavior...he's never been that mean to any human being let alone the woman that loved him 10 years and gave him family....and I haven't done anything to hurt him....i hope one day i get to the bottom of this...i just want to know WHY?!


Good for you AmI...i'm so proud of you, i can't even begin to describe how much you amaze me....He's coming around...slowly but it's happening.i know what you mean though you want him realizing what he's done and coming over to you crying and begging....I wanted that too but i'm taking the little crumbs the H. gave me at the moment....i can't reject him and hope that one day he'll do what was hoping for.May be one day he'll realize while we are together and go to MC .I would like to see that loving look in his eyes and sincere apology from him.
So for now i think you should take what he is offering ,if he wants to get to know YOU than you should give him a chance...show him the nice you....that is what I'm doing and I have to say it works.If you still want him, be the bigger person.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

vivea said:


> y i get to the bottom of this...i just want to know WHY?!
> 
> 
> Good for you AmI...i'm so proud of you, i can't even begin to describe how much you amaze me....He's coming around...slowly but it's happening.i know what you mean though you want him realizing what he's done and coming over to you crying and begging....I wanted that too but i'm taking the little crumbs the H. gave me at the moment....i can't reject him and hope that one day he'll do what was hoping for.May be one day he'll realize while we are together and go to MC .I would like to see that loving look in his eyes and sincere apology from him.
> So for now i think you should take what he is offering ,if he wants to get to know YOU than you should give him a chance...show him the nice you....that is what I'm doing and I have to say it works.If you still want him, be the bigger person.


Well he txted me and said 'I thought we were going to see how we get through the weekend and see how we get on. I am not looking for anything with you, not looking to get back with you.'

I've just replied 'Look, we are just getting together at the weekend for the kids, there's no point of us seeing how we get on if you never have a view of getting to know me again, it's a waste of time. I'm not kidding myself.'

I hurt Viv, I'm not going to lie to you, there was that little flutter in my belly after he apologised last night, wanted to see me then the other msgs, but now, now I know it was just another game to him. And I've done it to myself yet again. I hate myself I really do. I am so stupid for having the tiniest bit of hope. Why do I want him to want me so much? 

I'm not a bad person, honestly, I would do anything for anyone, so why, why does he treat me like this? Maybe the old him has well and truly gone? It's 5 months on the 27th he said he's not come home so what does that tell me. I want to hate him so much, I just want him out of my life, more so than the cancer, he hurts me more than any biopsy or treatment that I have to endure. 

Seriously I have to deserve better than this, what have I ever done? I am sat sobbing once again! I HATE that I let him make me feel this way.

FFS! HE DOESN'T WANT ME! Please can someone drum that into my big fat ugly head!


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

AmImad said:


> I did ask if he missed me, He said "I haven't had much of a chance to see the nice you recently so no".. Notice how it's my fault again?
> 
> He said he'd like to get through this weekend and go from there, if we can be nice and get on, he'd like to spend more time with me...





AmImad said:


> I just asked if he misses the kisses.. (he always loved to kiss me) he just replied, I don't understand the relevance of that. So in short yes he is still being a jerk, he could have sent a nice heart felt msg, he had an opportunity and he didn't take it.


:slap: Don't you get it? This is about CONTROL. He is scared that he's losing control of you..hence the abuse and then the "We'll see if we can be nice and the maybe I'll throw you (the dog) a bone". 

Then you ask him if he misses you and about the kisses, etc. He's got you RIGHT where he wants you and things like that PROVE it!! You are ENCOURAGING him to keep treating you like crap. You are just opening yourself up to more pain and abuse and until you do as the 180 states and keep it cordial and business-like this going to keep going 'round and 'round. 

You are misunderstanding the 180. It's not about you being "nice" and kowtowing to him. It's about you presenting a strong and confident side. Pleasant? Yes. Cordial? Yes. Chat about the weather? Sure. But don't act needy or pathetic. That's the exact thing you SHOULD NOT be doing!! But you are!!

I KNOW he was a great guy! He sounds awesome! A year ago I had a great husband too. But SOMETHING changes these guys..that's why we are separated!

Maybe it's all on him or maybe it's a combination of things but he's NOT THE SAME GUY. I have the SAME situation and the sooner it's realized that the man you are separated from is NOT The same person you loved and loved you the sooner you can deal with him on emotionally equal grounds. 

Right now you are NOT being consistent. The 180 is ALL about consistency..and THAT is the hard part. It's why I was SO pissed at myself about my going over to my husband's house last Saturday..because I slipped. All you can do is resolve to do better and continue on. 

But you have to start at Step 1. No more chats on the telephone. No more taking his text messages. Just ignore them. Turn off the phone. Just TRY. If you have to talk then talk about the kids and only the kids. It's going to take TIME to convince him so it's going to take more than a few days. 

He's trying to browbeat you and guilt you down. Don't go there! You will get MUCH better results MUCH faster if you stick with the program!

Please....read it again, carefully.  http://talkaboutmarriage.com/self-help-marriage-relationship-programs/18671-180.html


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

AmI hunny...freak is so right...i hate to say that but she is right...i know how hard it is but he is controlling you...he doesn't want to be with you right now but still wants to control you and eat the cake when he feels like.Let's see what the weekend offers and than you'll go from there,cut him off big time...only than you'll know the truth...5 months is enough...it's time for some action and the truth.
We are with you honey.Keep talking!
hugs


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

I was going to say the same thing....

He was getting scared for a moment because he felt you were slipping away.....he thought he was going to lose you.....

So he lured you in with the "lets see where it goes from there"....and when you asked about the kisses he knew exactly that he still had you were he wants you....right there waiting for him....

So he went back to being the dominant one.....


> I am not looking for anything with you, not looking to get back with you.


....

Do me a favor....check out the book "Why men love *****es".....it's been a big eye opener for me and it is helping me finding the strength and confidence I need to withstand my ex-husband's little mind games.....

My ex has been just as great as your husband.....I want that man back....not the guy he is now....I know he's somewhere.....I'll just have to find him....

Check out that book and read it while you're getting your treatment.....it will help, trust me.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> He used to worship the ground I walked on, he would watch me walk down the road to his house, I had an eating disorder when we first got together, he was there at the hospital every single day. He would come home with my favourite flowers. He would arrange romantic evenings in, where he would replicate the meal we had at my favourite restaurant in the world on the night he proposed, every year he would make me a valentines day card, he would come home from work with little gifts occasionally. When I was ill, (this is what really gets me) he would run a bath, get the blankets out, tuck me up on the sofa, wait on me, making sure I had drinks, when we went to Dubai, I had a horrendous migraine, he went out in search of medicine. He didn't drink, do drugs, he was a little addicted to his computer, but with his aspergers, it really didn't help, and you do make allowances., but he was someone completely different to the person he is now.
> 
> I know everything I write recently makes him sound like a monster and right now, that's exactly what he is. But he hasn't always been this way.. Can you understand why I want my old husband back? The man I described above is the man I am still in love with.


 Wow, that was hard to read.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I am stupid, I do know what I have to do, it is so bloody hard, I am the 'nice' one, want to care and look after people. Not having contact with someone you've had contact with everyday for 15 years is so hard, but I know I have to do it. I find it so difficult to believe that he is doing this, being a control freak.. I keep trying to convince myself he does love me and care for me.. that my H wouldn't do that.. I suppose my H wouldn't... he's not my H at the moment. 

I was really confused about the 180, I didn't understand how I could be someone he wants to be with, yet I have to delete everything not talk. I'm viewing everything as a way to get him back, rather than, doing things for myself, making myself stronger, the no contact should be for me, the 180 should be for me... but that's not how I was looking at it. I was thinking if I don't contact he'll forget about me, that I've given up so he's happy to move on.. Does that even make sense?

When he said he didn't miss me because he hadn't seen the 'nice' me in a long time.. that hurt me.. I know on here I seem like a whingy cow, but if you was to ask my friends to describe me, it would be more along the lines of, fun, cheeky, sarcastic, always laughing.. 

Why am I trying? Because I have the little stupid hope bubbles, the fact I thought he still cared.... the fact he hasn't filed for D, that he wanted to know what was going on with me... the fact he was still texting to try and get me to talk...

I guess I have no choice. If you love something set it free, if it comes back it was meant to be... but I am losing confidence after almost 5 months.

SO the plan for moving forward.. ignore texts unless it's directly about the children and important, get through this week, dress nicely (went shopping for myself and dropped another dress size woo hoo!) in a new outfit he hasn't seen, and I am going to act like I don't give a damn! I am going for my babies, I am gonna sit and text on the train make HIM wonder who I am texting.. 

I know I am not being consistant, one minute I am telling him I don't want to talk to him unless he's ready to make us work, the next I am asking if he misses me, coz he throws me that fecking bone... I can't do this any more.


How can he just not care? Do you think that is the case? How are we to ever get back together if he behaves like this? Should I tell him "I was thinking a lot last night, and I agree we can't ever be together, we'll be amicable for the sake of the kids, but now I agree with you, we don't work" Or should I just do NC I mean REALLY do it and stick to it....and let him wonder what the hell is going on?


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I'm sat in my car outside the hospital thinking, a dangerous past time I know. Im going to be zapped in a bit, and I do it everything single day, I feel rubbish, but I pick myself up, dust myself off & I get on with the day ahead, life doesn't stop. Now how can I live through all of this & still act like my H is the be all & end all. He walked out on me, he f*cked around on me with some sl*t over the other side of the world, who by all accounts isn't a patch on me, I should post my pic & hers... why am I pining after him? I've sat here and decided that that the only way forward is the no contact, he doesn't like me tough, he doesn't know what's going on with me tough, he currently has me hanging on every word... not any more. He needs to me intrigued, why have I suddenly given up, do I have someone else??

He needs to see the strong independent woman I've become, make him realise he's losing out on the best he's ever gonna get. He broke my heart, that comes at a price, you did it you live with the consequences. Now I knots I was told all of this & had I applied it before, we could have been together, but I didnt, I wasn't in the right place. Now its the only place. Either carry on the way I am, acting like a tit, or do a full 180, say F U, I don't need you, and the latter is my option. I'm gonna tell myself every day, I'm attractive, any man would be proud to have me, he left me because HE had issues its not ALL my fault. 

It's a new dawn its a new day & I'm feeling good.

If he doesnt want 'all of thiiiis' his loss. Good luck with finding someone else to put with your Sh*t
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Good for you, I hope today continues to be a good one. 

I'm starting to think the same way about my husband. Why do I need to keep trying to fix things when he is letting to all go so easily? He cannot accept any of the blame for how things have gone. everything is my fault. well none of us need to live that way. 
we are strong independent women & we deserve so much better. Time to stop remembering who they were & start treating them like the jerks they have become.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Should I tell him "I was thinking a lot last night, and I agree we can't ever be together, we'll be amicable for the sake of the kids, but now I agree with you, we don't work" Or should I just do NC I mean REALLY do it and stick to it....and let him wonder what the hell is going on?


:slap: NO. Stop TALKING to him. Talk is cheap and he's just blowing you off anyway. Actions speak louder than words. YOU blow him off. YOU call the shots instead of REACTING to him. 

The 180 isn't about being mean to your husband. It's about taking control of YOURSELF and getting the space necessary to do so. Right now you are like a fly getting it's wings pulled off and he's just sitting there laughing as you run around all confused and perplexed. Don't you get it? :scratchhead:

At least give it a REAL shot because what you are doing is NOT working. 

Did you husband have some sort of affair? I seem to have missed something...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Yes he did, met a woman online not even a dating website, thought he was 'in love' with her... left me.. month later he boarded a plane to Oz, 2 hours after landing he slept with her... came back saying he wanted a life with her & her 6 year old daughter, happy to see our kids once a year.... she went back to her H a week after my H came back to the UK.
He's now said he never loved her... she was a bad fit.... that he could never leave his kids, he doesn't care how it ended hes just glad it did.


He just text me & said he hadn't had any pancakes....(it was pancake day here yesterday)
Errrr why is he telling me?

Do you think he cares about me at all? That he wants to have his fun, but I'm his safety net? Although he says I'm not.... when I ignired him,took the kids away, he was trying to 'fish' info from me, but when I was nice he asks to spend time with me... but knocks me down. I can do the confusing BS any more...


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

IGNORE THAT TEXT!!! Whatever you do dont reply. 

Yeah he cares about you in his warped way, but he is treating you terribly. Do not let him do it anymore. Maybe if he becomes scared he is truly losing you he will wise up.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I really need advice please, I'm torn, I've just been informed I've got to go into hospital, to have a 3cm lump removed that they discovered this am, they want to explore at the same time, to see if its in my chest wall... ie bone & muscle, if it is I'm pretty much screwed... there is also a chance I may have to have a masectomy if anything else is discovered.

Do I tell him, I'm going in for the op? He hasn't asked how I am since Mon... this is where I need him..This is where I want his arms around me..telling me ill be ok...but I know it won't change his feelings for me...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

My parents have told me to tell him, but its not open for discussion, just thought he should know... I think I'll do that, if he doesn't care, then I'll know won't I...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I don't have any idea what you should do. There are no rules where you are at. I think either way. I think he could go with you and it would not change things either way much. I would almost suggest to tell him about it and tell him its ok for him to go along with you, but zero fighting/arguing.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I sent him this: I'm going into hospital on Monday to have a lump removed, they wanted me in on Monday, but I wasn't going to ruin my daughters birthday. They're going in from the underneath to see if its attacked the chest wall, I'll know more after the Op. Just thought you should know.


I've had no reply.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> I really need advice please, I'm torn, I've just been informed I've got to go into hospital, to have a 3cm lump removed that they discovered this am, they want to explore at the same time, to see if its in my chest wall... ie bone & muscle, if it is I'm pretty much screwed... there is also a chance I may have to have a masectomy if anything else is discovered.
> 
> Do I tell him, I'm going in for the op? He hasn't asked how I am since Mon... this is where I need him..This is where I want his arms around me..telling me ill be ok...but I know it won't change his feelings for me...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you do contact him I think it should be with the facts. "Docs discovered 3cm lump. Getting it removed in addition to exploratory surgery. Mastectomy possible." This is a huge deal and ultimately it's up to you, though. If you do invite him, I think you should avoid talk about the relationship. 

Who's watching your little one? I'm assuming you're going to be out of commission for a while. If you need him to take her, certainly contact him and tell him it's his turn to be responsible. 

I hope you get good news soon. Heal quickly!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

He just said 'thank you for letting me know, is there anything I can do' then proceeded to ask about weekend plans. I just replied saying 'there's nothing you can do is there? I'd love you to be there for me but I don't expect anything'

My mum & dad are going to help me with my children. He's not jumping to come & help me, he really doesn't care does he? Why am I kidding myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

AmI...so sorry for what you're going through ...it's not fair to have to have so much on your plate to deal with  it breaks my heart (((HUGS)))


I think is good that you told him...he might have to help with the kids...don't let him out of responsibilities...if he has to take a few days off work than he has to.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

> is there anything I can do


OMG really... that's it ????!!!! 
His text to you should have been " i will be there for you ,i want to be there for you,i'll take care of the kids,i don't want you to worry about anything"


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I know, I'm now sat with my dad crying, I guess this is it. It is well & truly over. He doesn't love me, Ive got cancer, its got worse & he really doesn't give a crap. I have to give up now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

AmI..i think he wants to escape responsibilities and of course your health is giving him one more reason to get away...he's just selfish and wants to be free. It is not about you or anything...he just doesn't want to worry about anything but himself.

Most guys that separate with the selfish "i just want to be singe" reason feel that way but few of them will have the conscience and at the end do what is right.

So sorry babe...he is really not worth it if he can treat you like that...i'm sure he'll probably be there for a total stranger as long as it's not you.... I mean there are limits...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

It's the hardest thing I've had to face. He's not my husband, he's never going to be the man that I've loved since I was 15 years old. I'll always love him, he's the father of my children & no one can ever take that away from me, I was his first everything. I hope & pray that one day he'll wake up, lonely, depressed & missing what he had. He'll pick up his children see me & feel how he felt when we he first fancied me & I pray to all things holy that I am in a better place where I can say no, I'm happier now.

I love him so much. But I'm just not worth caring about, I know that now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I love him so much. But I'm just not worth caring about, I know that now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, no, no. You are not going down that road. He is not the man you know & love. You deserve so much goodness in your life. You are beautiful, kind, & strong. You are a fantastic mom. A good friend. Somebody I would love to know better. You are worth your weight in gold, dont you forget that.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Babyheart said:


> No, no, no. You are not going down that road. He is not the man you know & love. You deserve so much goodness in your life. You are beautiful, kind, & strong. You are a fantastic mom. A good friend. Somebody I would love to know better. You are worth your weight in gold, dont you forget that.


I actually burst into tears reading that. Thank Babyheart, I feel like when I get in the positive mindset, something knocks me back down, and I am an emotional wreak again.

H just spoke to the kids, then spoke to me briefly to tell me he hadn't been at work all day.. so that's nice, he could have actually called up and been concerned when I sent him this text..

'There's nothing you can do is there? I'd love you to be there for me but I don't expect anything'... 

I did ask why he never replied to it, he just said "Oh I was going to give you a call once the kids were in bed"... Yeah ok whatever, he could have sent me a msg saying that couldn't he?

I am so scared, I have 3 gorgeous babies, I know I can't do anything until Monday and they can tell me the extent of the cancer, if I have to have Chemo, how am I going to cope? Ok I have my mum and dad, but what if it's the worse possible news? He should be here for me, being scared with me, praying his wife, the woman he loves more than life, the woman who gave him the 3 greatest gifts in the world.. is going to be ok..

He's not here... he seemingly doesn't care.. My dad said he may be burying his head, pretending it's not really happening as it's too much to cope with (something my dad does)

But there's a chance I could be screwed, if that thought doesn't scare him, the fact he could lose me forever, I don't think I'll ever stand a chance...


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

OMG AmI I want to scream for you hunny.You're like a bird in a cage,no mater which side you're going you still end up hitting the cage. Why life is so Fu**ed up sometimes. 

I have never had to deal with C.(knock-knock) ...i don't know anybody around me with the C. scare.Can't imagine how it must feel especially when you're a Mom and have 3 kids...But you're probably the strongest woman I know. Knowing how hard it is to deal with rejection from the man you've loved so much I just can't even imagine what is it like to add the C. scare . How do you cope with all the emotions...it's way too much.
I don't know what to say....it's so fu**ed up that he is not the man that you once knew..the one that won't leave you in such horrible moment...

Be brave honey ,be positive as much as you can...think about the future...you will beat this..you can do it.Everything else after that will be a breeze,someone good is waiting for you somewhere...someone that is going to give you much happiness that you will be drowning in it..


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Is there more of a story as to why your husband doesn't take his child more often? Honestly, he shouldn't have a choice at this point. Things are getting serious for you and I think you should present it to him as such. If something did happen to you (I hate typing that, btw) he would have full custody. For him to get that custody without having regular visits with your child would probably leave your little one extremely stressed. For her sake, I think it's time you told him to step up. 

I feel like the above may seem harsh. I'm apologize if it's taken that way. Talking about mortality and parenting choices is tricky.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> I love him so much. But I'm just not worth caring about, I know that now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're going to let a man defeat you? You're stronger than that. It may not feel like it, but you are. Your focus should be on kicking cancer's ass and becoming a happy woman without him. 

If you want to feel like **** you can do that by yourself, right? Why drag his sorry ass along for the ride? Focus on you. When you get to the point that you realize you really don't _need_ him, then decide if you want him. You will get to that point. YOU WILL. It's going to take effort, but you'll get there.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> Is there more of a story as to why your husband doesn't take his child more often? Honestly, he shouldn't have a choice at this point. Things are getting serious for you and I think you should present it to him as such. If something did happen to you (I hate typing that, btw) he would have full custody. For him to get that custody without having regular visits with your child would probably leave your little one extremely stressed. For her sake, I think it's time you told him to step up.
> 
> I feel like the above may seem harsh. I'm apologize if it's taken that way. Talking about mortality and parenting choices is tricky.


We have 3 children together, 8, 7 and 3, I've asked him to spend more time with him, but due to his job, and living an hour away he doesn't see them during the week, this weekend is the first weekend in a month that he is going to be with them for the 2 days, as it's our daughter's 4th birthday... he hardly spends any time with them at all... his choice.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> 'thank you for letting me know, is there anything I can do' then proceeded to ask about weekend plans. I just replied saying 'there's nothing you can do is there? I'd love you to be there for me but I don't expect anything'


 I wish I could say I've never been dumb enough to say something like this. IMO, men aren't good at this stuff. 

Yes your husband is a complete a$$, but when I read what he responded, idk if I was in his situation if my txt response would have been less naive. sigh

I really with the best for you. You do deserve better than this.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I suppose it's difficult seeing it from a mans point of view? I just keep thinking if it was me, and he was telling me I would be so worried and wanting to make sure he's ok etc..


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Ermm ok, he has just sent me a text telling me he is taking Monday off to help out no arguing... Any thoughts?


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> We have 3 children together, 8, 7 and 3, I've asked him to spend more time with him, but due to his job, and living an hour away he doesn't see them during the week, this weekend is the first weekend in a month that he is going to be with them for the 2 days, as it's our daughter's 4th birthday... he hardly spends any time with them at all... his choice.


I apologize. I know who I was thinking of with the little girl.

I still think you should hold him accountable as a father. He has to face the fact that he may end up with them full time. He should want the transition to be as easy for them as possible. He could have had them today since he wasn't working. He can get a hotel if he can't handle being in the car for the two hours it would take to pick them up and bring them to his place. This man is full of excuses.

Have you tried approaching him about spending more time with the children, pointing out that the transition would be easier if something happened to you?


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Ermm ok, he has just sent me a text telling me he is taking Monday off to help out no arguing... Any thoughts?


Good. Just say "I appreciate it" and discuss the timing. If this is the kick in the ass he needs to feel that you belong together, let him make the first move. Do not initiate conversation about the relationship.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

He took the day off. He does care. He is sh*t at showing it and being a total a$$. That doesn't make it alright, and he should be there for you. When I read what he wrote, I thought to myself that I might have worded it like that and saying "is there anything you need" being supportive. again, sigh. I wish you the best.



> Ermm ok, he has just sent me a text telling me he is taking Monday off to help out no arguing... Any thoughts?


 I agree with whereami. Let him help you out. Do not argue. Do not bring up the relationship unless he wants to talk about it, and even then let him talk and be short on words (like the 180).


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

anx said:


> He took the day off. He does care. He is sh*t at showing it and being a total a$$. That doesn't make it alright, and he should be there for you. When I read what he wrote, I thought to myself that I might have worded it like that and saying "is there anything you need" being supportive. again, sigh. I wish you the best.
> 
> I agree with whereami. Let him help you out. Do not argue. Do not bring up the relationship unless he wants to talk about it, and even then let him talk and be short on words (like the 180).


I just don't know what he thinks or feels, and it all confuses me, I have a horrendous habbit of reading into EVERYTHING.

Yes he's said he is taking the day off and that he wont accept no as an answer.. I'm not sure why he is doing this, but maybe it is a positive thing? ...


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I was thinking about your story some more. I really hope your doctor stuff comes back with good news.

It might be a good sign, and it might not.

Somewhere I read that the way someone dealt with a husband that was like yours was to view your husband as infected by a disease or alien infestation. A condition that made him turn from being a loving husband into an angry, stubborn, hurtful, and generally F*cked up shell of a man. Same body but 100% different person, a doppelganger. All you can do is defend yourself from his issues/cr*p, encourage him to get better, and wait. Eventually, your loving husband will be cured or generally overcome and turn into an angry shell of a person. Don't let yourself be overcome by what he has become, but encourage him to get better.

The person said it helped her cope. 

Best of luck.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Yes he did, met a woman online not even a dating website, thought he was 'in love' with her... left me.. month later he boarded a plane to Oz, 2 hours after landing he slept with her... came back saying he wanted a life with her & her 6 year old daughter, happy to see our kids once a year.... she went back to her H a week after my H came back to the UK.
> He's now said he never loved her... she was a bad fit.... that he could never leave his kids, he doesn't care how it ended hes just glad it did.


:wtf: :slap: And you want this guy BACK? You're kidding me? :banghead: 

He's going through some serious head games/sh*t. Call it a mid life crisis but damn...You are his doormat! Holy crap! 

I don't want to make you feel worse than you already do but you REALLY need to rethink this situation.  I mean, he not only CHEATED on you..he left and only came back because HE got dumped! Do you really want this man in your life?


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

AmImad said:


> He just said 'thank you for letting me know, is there anything I can do' then proceeded to ask about weekend plans.


He is a total DI*CK!!  

 You poor thing...I wish you the best of luck. I just read about that operation. Don't worry..It'll be fine. My grandmother had breast cancer and she did have a masectomy at age 70 and went on to live until her early 90s. They can do great things these days..

At least he later texted and said he'd take the day off. I guess he redeemed himself somewhat. It's up to you to decide if his presence would be positive or not. Do what's best for YOU.

Don't you DARE tell yourself you aren't worthy because of what HE does or says. He's not worth it! He's not worthy to lick your shoes!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> :wtf: :slap: And you want this guy BACK? You're kidding me? :banghead:
> 
> He's going through some serious head games/sh*t. Call it a mid life crisis but damn...You are his doormat! Holy crap!
> 
> I don't want to make you feel worse than you already do but you REALLY need to rethink this situation.  I mean, he not only CHEATED on you..he left and only came back because HE got dumped! Do you really want this man in your life?


As of tonight, I'm not convinced I do... I've been made to smile & laugh tonight & I didn't think of my H once....You know I posted about my male friend & him wanting to take me out next week? Well he called me a little while ago.. he best friend wanted to check me out to make sure I'm suitable! His friend knew everything about me, he told me that 'C' boasted about how wonderful my kids are & what a good mum he said I was. He told me 'C' talks about me all the time & that's why he wanted to talk to me, to see what the fuss was about! Plus they'd had a few beers so it was funny lol. I told 'C' about the hospital, he said he wished he was hugging me to make me feel better, that he'd take time off work if I wanted him too... now this isn't my H, this is a man who I could have Left my H for 7 years ago, but I chose to stick it out. When he said bye, he said love you before hanging up... drunken slip of the tongue? Probably... but guess what? It made me smile... 

Maybe I won't be like the crazy cat lady in the Simpsons after all. Maybe my H has done me a favour?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I think your H, in a roundabout way, has done you a favor. He's treated you SO badly at this point that you are finally "getting" it. :smthumbup:

That's how it works. It was the same with me! At first I was a lot like you. I begged and pleaded and pulled my hair out about him. I called, dropped over his house. I cried. I did it all..

But bit by bit, as each incident piled on I could tell that things slowly started to change within me. I've backslid (like with last weekend) but I recover much more quickly and it doesn't stay with me. 

For example, very recently I had to make a CONCERTED effort to not call my husband a la the 180. Now I don't call because I don't feel the need to..or even think about doing so. 

Today I called to ask him pick up my son from school because he was sick and I was an hour from home. My H and I chatted pleasantly and I said "Thanks for helping out...Have a good day" and that was that. I felt no anger towards him or longing for him. I might as well have been talking to a friend of mine. 

That's pretty much what I want things to be. It'll happen for you too. 

The dissolution of a marriage is a lot like a death. There's anger, grief, mourning and eventually acceptance and moving on. I'm just sorry that it's been so hard for you.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

> Somewhere I read that the way someone dealt with a husband that was like yours was to view your husband as infected by a disease or alien infestation.


anx... I've said similar things,I even told H. that I try hard to not hate him and the only way I was able to do this is by convincing myself that he has some sort of personality disorder and THAT is not HIM.
I actually do believe that this is somehow diagnosable...he is sick and lost and he is going to get better...
At the moment things are OK.He keeps calling and we talk...nothing about our situation yet but about stuff we will do together...
He calls me honey ...he is very pleasant on the phone,i will see him on Friday and than on Sunday,just for hour or two but that's OK.
I have to say I'm not as much into him as I was before the separation,for some reason i even stopped being jealous of where he goes when i'm not there...it's like I don't care.I also don't feel as in love as I was before....things have changed...it is probably due the fact that i do not see him at all. 
He's hurt me so much I hope I can overcome the nightmare that he's put me through. :/


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

vivea said:


> anx... I've said similar things,I even told H. that I try hard to not hate him and the only way I was able to do this is by convincing myself that he has some sort of personality disorder and THAT is not HIM.
> I actually do believe that this is somehow diagnosable...he is sick and lost and he is going to get better...
> At the moment things are OK.He keeps calling and we talk...nothing about our situation yet but about stuff we will do together...
> He calls me honey ...he is very pleasant on the phone,i will see him on Friday and than on Sunday,just for hour or two but that's OK.
> ...


:iagree:
know how that feels  my heart goes out to you


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Thanks Crank
At the moment i have to say i'm more excited for the kids than myself.I'm just happy that they will have mommy and daddy under the same roof....
There is a long road ahead of me ...that is for sure :/

*AmI*...you have beautiful eyes girl  ,I wish i can see your whole face... i have to re-activate my facebook.I already got plenty of Emails from friends asking where did I go and why I am not in their friends list...I haven't responded yet...ugh ..i have to though..


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

vivea said:


> Thanks Crank
> At the moment i have to say i'm more excited for the kids than myself.I'm just happy that they will have mommy and daddy under the same roof....
> There is a long road ahead of me ...that is for sure :/


long road for most of us...



> *AmI*...you have beautiful eyes girl  ,I wish i can see your whole face... i have to re-activate my facebook.I already got plenty of Emails from friends asking where did I go and why I am not in their friends list...I haven't responded yet...ugh ..i have to though..


better be sitting down when you view a full face pic, especially the newest one


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Well I have woken up this morning full of nervousness, and I hate it. I was laughing last night and now this! By the way, I wouldn't be just be jumping into a relationship when I am so hung up on my H, but I was given a self esteem boost, bearing in mind how my H has made me feel, the woman he left me for *shakes head* and then told ME that I hold MYSELF in too high regard..

But it has really made me think, do I REALLY want this man, a man that can trample all over me and not feel any guilt? Who continues to build me up and knock me down? 
When there is another man who seemingly adores me.. Ok I may never get with 'C' but it has made me feel "Do you know what, I'm not all that bad, someone else thinks I am funny, pretty, intelligent, strong (He knows all the crap I am going through) he speaks so highly of my kids, so they are obviously not an issue (was always scared I wouldn't find anyone due to having 3 kids) 

I still can't quite see myself with anyone else other than my H, but is that due to not knowing anything else.. having been with my H since I was 15? I mean HE could see HIMSELF with someone else, and quite frankly, that makes me sick... He doesn't deserve me does he?? Rather than giving in to his every whim, I should be saying, "Sorry, too much has happened now, you've hurt me, I am worth more than that"... I am feeling that this morning and I think thats why I feel nervous.. Not because I desperately want my life back, but because I am realising I AM worth more than this, I AM a good person and someone out there will treat me like the Princess Crank says I am 

Vivea, thank you, when you're on later, I'll put my whole pic, then swap it back again.. make sure you have a sick bucket!

Crank- shuddapya face!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

vivea said:


> I try hard to not hate him and the only way I was able to do this is by convincing myself that he has some sort of personality disorder and THAT is not HIM.
> I actually do believe that this is somehow diagnosable...he is sick and lost and he is going to get better...
> At the moment things are OK.He keeps calling and we talk...nothing about our situation yet but about stuff we will do together...
> He calls me honey ...he is very pleasant on the phone,i will see him on Friday and than on Sunday,just for hour or two but that's OK.
> ...



Viv, I've read this and then I've re-read it, and I really hope you wont get upset with me when I say this..

Please please please make sure you know what you are doing Sweety, don't jump in with both feet unless you know what you truly want.. Don't get back together just for the sake of your babies, children I have learnt are very resilient, my children for example, although they miss their Daddy, and talk to him everyday and see him once a week, they are actually happy without him being here all the time, the older ones have obviously seen me crying my eyes out and what he has done and they don't like him for that.. 

In my mind if we got back together, then everything would be ok, our family unit would be perfect... but I think I am kidding myself  I would constantly be questioning why he did what he did, why just run away etc..

I've grown so fond of people on here, people I've never met or even seen.. but I do genuinely care for you all, I don't want you to hurt any more! Do what is right for you, You are an amazing woman, as long as your babies have you they will be happy xxx


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> I don't want you to hurt any more! Do what is right for you,


 No matter what either of you do, its going to hurt like hell. 

Your right though. Staying with a SO that isn't willing to treat you right isn't ok. I still advocate for really TRYING to make it work, but that takes 2 people. For about 3 months of my own story it was just me trying to convince my wife that I was a better person and wanted to make a happy life with her. The 6 months before that it was my wife trying to make me realize and then us both learning HOW to do it. We both got VERY close to giving up. We both went to bed crying. We both woke up anxious, burned out, hurt, and tired. It was worth it in my story, which was close to falling apart many times.

Its up to you to decide when to stop trying. Unfortunately, theres always the chance that 2-3 months after you give up he decides he wants you back.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I am just hurting so much, I am all over the place, he was meant to spend a family day with us on Sat, he then said he wanted to meet us there.. I explained I am going to be sore and would struggle with getting 3 kids on and off of the train... cutting a long story short, he is going out on Sat night, he wasn't even going to come home on the train with us, so I would have 3 very tired children to get home..

I gave him a choice, go out with us, come home, tuck his kids into bed OR go out with his friends.. Guess what he picked?

I now have an 8 year old crying her eyes out


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> I am just hurting so much, I am all over the place, he was meant to spend a family day with us on Sat, he then said he wanted to meet us there.. I explained I am going to be sore and would struggle with getting 3 kids on and off of the train... cutting a long story short, he is going out on Sat night, he wasn't even going to come home on the train with us, so I would have 3 very tired children to get home..
> 
> I gave him a choice, go out with us, come home, tuck his kids into bed OR go out with his friends.. Guess what he picked?
> 
> I now have an 8 year old crying her eyes out


I'd like to hit him upside the head with a clue-by-four. 

Please tell me that you're ready for NC now. PLEASE!!!

I think you should let him know you don't need him on Monday either, and if you feel up to it ask your guy friend who offered.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

OMG...are you serious....Yes please someone smack him hard 
can't he do both for God's sake...he can tuck them in and than go whatever the hell he want's...wow 



AmI... right now i have no idea what is going to happen between H. and me ...I have to go there ,live with him and as we all know we can always separate if it doesn't work out ..that is the easiest part...i have to see how he is going to respond to me...i feel like that at the moment because I do not physically see him....I have to spend time with him and see where my feelings go,may be he'll open up and tell me things and will turn everything around...I don't feel like i can't stand him or anything I'm just confused at the moment and don't feel the connection that we had...I have to say I felt like that before when he would upset me with his lies...than i see the sweet HIM and my feelings come back...so you never know
He is an amazing guy and will never treat me bad..I know that for sure...I guess I still have the guard up because he hasn't told me he loves me and wants to stay with me yet...he also wants to see where things go....there are things to explore and i'm glad I'll have the chance...that is all I wanted anyways.
I will never stay with him only because of the kids though,I have to have feelings for him in order for me to be able to stay with him.
Thankfully for me there was no OW so I only have to deal with his spending habits and lying about it (out of fear) ...but at that point i realized that as long as we have roof over our heads and we are not in debt ...we will be OK.I have to let go and let him enjoy his money,i will soon start my own business and will make my own money so i can decide what I do with them. H. spends a lot of money ...he loves his "toys" but also he never refused to buy me anything that i want...not that i wanted too many expensive things but there were times he would push me to buy something really expensive because I can't seem to let go.
Now I know better and will not argue with him about spending and also will not stop him from enjoying his hobbies...These were our main issues...not too bad is it...and i already have a solution...so we'll see.
Also he admitted to his lying and as I mentioned before is seeing therapist for it and is dealing with his compulsive lying ...He told me that he will never lie to me ..and I'm sure it'll help him when he sees that I do not get upset when he tells me something that he wants to do or buy.Life is too short to argue over stupid things ...i realized ,i want my family and will work hard to keep it together.


Can't wait to see you picture later


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Well, my H is a fast worker.. he's got another woman. I've deleted his number. I'm done. He's not seeing my kids this weekend, he's seeing her. I hurt so much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

AmI .....Noooooo,so sorry girl...what an AS*hole. Well now you have to close that chapter of your life ...he's not even worth for you to spit on him.
hugs hunny  you deserve way better...you have to work on forgetting him and please do not ever get back with him 
I'm just so upset for you right now...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

He said he'd never get back with me, that I am too much hard work and he can't be bothered to work on us, it's easier to walk away.

Oh well, I've broken my heart. He's made himself clear. He has slagged me off left right and centre. I hate him.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

wow. I'm so sorry.

I really don't even understand how people like your H can do that. Maybe he has been cheating for awhile and made it all about you.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Wow...sending big hugs!!!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Crank- shuddapya face!


lol


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Well, my H is a fast worker.. he's got another woman. I've deleted his number. I'm done. He's not seeing my kids this weekend, he's seeing her. I hurt so much.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


damn, I am so sorry to read that, my heart goes out to you 
huge hugs to you and the kids xx


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

and the C*nt <--- I never use that word.. 
Swore on our youngest's life there was no one.. Now he's texting asking if he can drop her present off on her bday, I've told him to post it, he's asked if he can bring it after they're in bed... I just said you've made yourself clear, so have we, there's no point you driving for an hour is there.. (he moaned about driving here on Sat)

He said I want to make sure it gets there in tact..

I just replied send it recorded it will be fine. Good bye Liam.

Phone is now off.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

There you go Viv sweety, don't be sick..


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

since we are sharing...one of me and the baby...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

DjF said:


> since we are sharing...one of me and the baby...


Awwww! Gorgeous And the baby! hehe sooo tiny!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

anx said:


> wow. I'm so sorry.
> 
> I really don't even understand how people like your H can do that. Maybe he has been cheating for awhile and made it all about you.


Well he hasn't cheated in the past I'm pretty sure of that, but seeing as we were together since we were 15 and I was his first girlfriend, he's probably making up for lost time....

:scratchhead:


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I guess i'm thinking over the past few months or year. A lot of the time these issues arise, there can be another person. Specifically there are a few stories I've read on here where the timing of a new woman and an escalation in fighting/separation happen at the same time.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

anx said:


> I guess i'm thinking over the past few months or year. A lot of the time these issues arise, there can be another person. Specifically there are a few stories I've read on here where the timing of a new woman and an escalation in fighting/separation happen at the same time.


He left me for 'her' in Oz, it didn't work out, he told me today it's his biggest regret... wished he'd worked on us... riiiiiight... Anyway, he's found someone else.. I give up.. 

He's just tried to call, left a vmail.. ignored. I am not wasting my time, tears and love on him any more. I don't know how he just turns it all off, he said he hasn't he still loves me a bit and cares, he's just a bastard and it's easier for him not to do anything.. Well I am obviously not worth the fight....

I got over him being with someone else, knowing it could never work out, willing to work on everything.. but now.. I just feel sick... the children are in bed, the tv is on but Lord know's whats on.. I don't know who this woman is, anything about her.. I hope she's a psycho and chops him into tiny pieces.. yeah I know that wont happen... I asked him if he knew how scared I was about Monday... he just said no... my Liam has well and truly left the building.. 

I'm done. I've cried.. I physically hurt.. but I have 3 small people depending on me.. Keep moving forward..

Why is this happening to me?


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> he's just a bastard and it's easier for him not to do anything..


 Yes



> Well I am obviously not worth the fight....


 No



> Why is this happening to me?


 Because your H gave up because hes a horrible person.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

AmI..you are gorgeous honey...someone will be lucky to have you.
He is such a a loser...and he can't see that at the moment but i guarantee you he will one day when he sees you with someone else that adores you and adores your kids...
This new woman will be just that...a new woman..when the novelty wears off he will see that the grass in not greener and realize that if you can't handle one woman you won't be able to handle other...he needs to learn... unfortunately he will realize this and it'll be too late...you will move on and he'll be lonely and miserable till the rest of his life...
hugs babe...


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

DjF said:


> since we are sharing...one of me and the baby...


so precious...that's what life is all about


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I just feel so sick, I keep remembering, I stupidly had some hope of us getting back together, I don't understand why he could just do this, love someone for 15 years then just stop. 

I just dont understand.. 

Thanks Viv, not the best pic.. so many people have told me I was far to good for my H, but you can't help who you fall in love with.

I am seriously not bothering with him, I am not ever answering the phone or telling him anything. I really needed him Monday, but I don't want him there, he'll be thinking of someone else, not his wife..


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I just feel so sick, I keep remembering, I stupidly had some hope of us getting back together, I don't understand why he could just do this, love someone for 15 years then just stop.


yep, understand exactly where you are coming from.



> Thanks Viv, not the best pic.. so many people have told me I was far to good for my H, but you can't help who you fall in love with.


No, you have a better pic 
And no, you can't help who you fall in love with.



> I am seriously not bothering with him, I am not ever answering the phone or telling him anything. I really needed him Monday, but I don't want him there, he'll be thinking of someone else, not his wife..


Stay the course, we will get there  xx


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> No, you have a better pic
> *
> My profile pic?*
> 
> ...


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

yep, you FB profile pic 

Friends are ready, willing and able to help as much as possible


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Well, this might not be the best thing to say..but he did you a BIG favor. You now know his TRUE colors. He's not "confused" or "hurt" or "scared". He's a dyed in the wool AHOLE!! A big a*ss FU*K who does nothing but commit adultery and walk all over everyone else due to his selfish desires. Hopefully he'll catch some sort of communicable disease and his penis will fall off and he'll die broke and alone. 

Blew off his kid's birthday to screw around with another woman? Nice. :cussing:

Treats his sick wife like dirt and spits all over her when she's down? Real nice. 

And to START this mess: He went off to AUSTRALIA and abandoned his family? Oh yeah, he's a prince! 

Now YOU KNOW. Stay the F away from his sorry a*ss! You are doing GREAT. Giving him that ultimatum was AWESOME! :smthumbup: Telling him to mail the present! Double awesome!!:smnotworthy: Keep hanging up on him. Don't respond to ANY of texts or calls. Next thing you SEND HIM are the papers to divorce him. 

Get yourself a lawyer and sue him for every dime he's got for child support. Let him have it!! :gun::2gunsfiring_v1::whip:

What a :tool: !! *YOU GO GIRL!!*


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Oh, and not to bring up something unpleasant...But if you haven't already, make sure you check your life insurance policy and don't have him as the beneficiary. I'm serious. Make sure your KIDS get the insurance money in the event something happens to you. Write a will and cut him off from any of your property. You don't want him getting a DIME.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Well, this might not be the best thing to say..but he did you a BIG favor. You now know his TRUE colors. He's not "confused" or "hurt" or "scared". He's a dyed in the wool AHOLE!! A big a*ss FU*K who does nothing but commit adultery and walk all over everyone else due to his selfish desires. Hopefully he'll catch some sort of communicable disease and his penis will fall off and he'll die broke and alone.
> 
> 
> *Yeah I am hoping for that too, I just don't know how and why he has turned into this person, but whilst he is this person I want absolutely nothing to do with him, he has shown his true colours. *
> ...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Well to rub salt into my already gaping wounds, he has said No, im not having his wedding ring, it's his, it's in the box with his cufflinks, the one I bought him in Dubai for our 5th anniversary... Nice that he added that bit.. the box I bought him 2 weeks before he started talking to that ****.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Let him have the blasted wedding ring. Tell him to keep it and shove it up his arse! And don't ask him for anything else like that. It makes him think you still care. You have to start acting and showing him that you don't care..Only then can you finally reach the point where it becomes reality!

BUT FIRST send him THIS song....YouTube - Bullet for my Valentine - Alone [Lyrics on screen] :smthumbup:

_No more I'm taking this hatred from you
You make me feel dead when I'm talking to you
You take me for granted when I'm not around
So burn down your bridges too

I'm not going down (down)
This time I will be heard
I'm not gonna burn
It's funny how the table, how the table turns

You fake (fake!) goddamn nation
You break (break!) for salvation
'cause your heart is made of stone
You can die and rot alone

I hope you're unhappy and hurting inside
I want you to choke when you swallow your pride
Lay in your coffin and sleep with your sins
Give me the nails and I'll hammer them in

Right now
This time you won't be heard
You are gonna burn
It's funny how the table, how the table turns

You fake (fake!) goddamn nation
You break (break!) for salvation
'cause your heart is made of stone
You can die and rot alone_

Remember..cut him off. Eventually he WILL fade. Now it's time to look out for number 1..YOU and your kids!

I understand about the divorce part. Let him stew. Take one step at a time. Look after yourself first then move on.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

He has tried to call again, left me a vmail, like he would a business associate, asking me to call him back, to discuss, the kids..

Do I tell him I have nothing to discuss? Ignore? 

Freak I have copied and pasted that and put it in an email, I am just not ready to send it yet..


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

JUST send him the song when you are ready. Nothing else. It'll send him the message. 

DO NOT answer his emails or texts. Let him rot, just like the song says. Let him stew and wonder. IGNORE HIM. Do not DISCUSS anything. That's giving him something he WANTS. You don't want to do that! 

He knows he has you off balance and is looking to take advantage of this. It's a control thing. THAT is why he's bothering you now..while you are weak and confused. Notices how he always barrages you with emails and texts whenever you show some backbone?

He's scared in his own way and you need to capitalize on that. Start thinking like a general in a battle and less like a desperate housewife.  Be like a poker player and NEVER show your hand or indicate what you are thinking or what you are going to do. It'll drive him nuts because whatever the reason, he DOES care. Use that to your advantage. 

You have to be strong and focus on YOURSELF. You have a lot coming up in the next few days and the LAST thing you need to do is get more stirred up by anything he says or does. All he is interested in is being petty and getting at you. If he really cared about you and the kids he would NEVER pull this crap now, at this point in your life. 

If he was concerned about you he wouldn't be throwing all this crap at you NOW. He is totally without any empathy or compassion. For you to even acknowledge him is to show him too much compassion!


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Eventually, once the dust settles and YOU are ready you can get around to "discussing" things. If he cared so much about your kids he wouldn't so readily have blown off his daughter's birthday. Why should you make things easy for him? 

Let him destroy himself...and he will. Your kids will get older and as he pulls these stunts they'll come realize what kind of person he really is. He will dig himself his own grave...you'll see. But you can't give in. It'll happen on his own. 

When it comes to visitation..let HIM worry about it. You just worry about YOURSELF and what YOU need. It's time that you start doing that. 

Stay away from him and when the time is right you get legal advice. Then you have your lawyer talk to him and stay out of the loop and rebuild your own life. Don't get down in the pit with him..stay above the fray!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> He knows he has you off balance and is looking to take advantage of this. It's a control thing. THAT is why he's bothering you now..while you are weak and confused. Notices how he always barrages you with emails and texts whenever you show some backbone?
> 
> 
> *I did notice that tbh, but it's about the kids, so that's why I wondered. I don't actually want to talk to him, it's hard enough hearing his voice on the vmail! I know I can't back down, this is about his kids.. but then he didn't give a flying f*ck about them when he left and went to the other side of the world and planned a new life without them.. *
> ...


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

It's NOT about the KIDS. It's about HIM controlling YOU. It's about his wanting to call the shots and make up the game plan. Don't you get it? 

If he cared about your kids he wouldn't be having affairs. He wouldn't' be dragging the sick mother of his kids through the mud. He wouldn't have BLOWN OFF his daughter's birthday to go screw another woman. 

He's just SAYING it's about the kids because he knows that YOU care about the kids. He knows it's your weakness so he's doing his best to use it to his advantage! 

IGNORE him. Your kids need a STRONG mother and you need to take care of yourself so you can take care of him. He only looks out for himself. Haven't his actions proved that? 

What is left for him to do? Take a gun and shoot you and the kids to convince you? :scratchhead:


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

This aspergers is a real problem. I often wonder how someone like that can BE in a loving relationship. You can't apply the same standards to him as you would with a "normal" person. 

You gotta stop wondering and worrying about HIM. It's enough. Start worrying about YOU. You have to let him go! How many times are you going to let him trample you? When he's dancing on your grave? 

The time to wonder and worry about WHY he is doing all this is over. He's DONE it. He's going to CONTINUE to do this as long as you let him. 

You have a lump in your breast. Do you wonder and debate about leaving it there to fester and eventually kill you? No, if necessary, you'll have it removed, right? Then you'll undergo treatment to make a recovery. 

The situation with your husband is NO different! He's a cancer that's making you sick and killing you! You need to do the SAME thing and get him out of your life so you can get better and move on. Don't DWELL on the why and why nots...only on the HOW you are going to deal with this! 

Hate to say it, but your lump and your husband are both the SAME thing except one is physical and one is emotional but both can and will kill you if you let it.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I do understand what you are saying Freak, I know he's just trying to get me to talk under the ruse of the children, but part of me wonders if he was going to tell me he's cancelled his plans to see his children and celebrate our daughters birthday with us? But I suppose if that's what he wanted to say he could send me an email or text saying such.. and he hasn't...

He keeps threatening to stop all monies to us, including the rent, I've told him to do it, as I'll just get the csa to take it all.

I don't want to text him, I want him to think "Sh*t she's serious this time, she's not giving in, I can't walk all over her, I am losing her as she's losing interest.." It'll either be that or he just wont give a crap.. and he'll carry on living his life for him.

I do feel like a complete b*tch for not allowing him to come at all this weekend, it our daughters birthday after all, but I can't spend any time with him, knowing he is then going to go off and see 'her' if 'she' even exists..?! But I can't do it, I can't play happy families. I am going to take my babies out and given them a great day! Im going to take lots of pictures.. he won't be able to see them, but I'm gonna have the memories, and his family members on my facebook will see them, and see that he's not there.. Then sure he can go and blame me, I don't let him do anything do I? I forced him to leave.. silly me...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

With the aspergers, given the right love, they thrive, my 7 year old is amazing, he hugs me, tells me he loves me, all because of the effort and work that I put into him. Theu need to learn to conform.. That's what Liam struggles with..

What has really shocked me, is that he's going out to pubs/clubs and God knows what else, he hates to socialise, he hates loud places and it really stresses him out, like he'll seriously lose the plot over it.. and not want to stay for long, he's not great at meeting new people and finds it difficult to read social cues.. *shrugs*

He does have an amazing personality.. when he's not this arsehole that's taken over my H's body and mind.. he is so bloody intelligent, can remember every fact going.. you don't need Google with him around.. he has a great sense of humour, he and I are so similar in so many ways, and he's seemingly forgotten all of this and I am the evil wench that's ruined his life...

I suppose if he has found someone else, and he is the same man I fell in love with, they've struck gold, it's just such a shame he couldn't work as hard on his wife and kids.


I still don't think the enormity of the situation has struck him yet, I think he's just thinking ahhh she'll be ok, she always is, just bounces back... he says he's ashamed of himself.. but he's not, I doubt he'll hit 'rock bottom' and realise what he's lost out on, he may miss us at some point but he'll shrug it off.. I can't believe that 7 months ago, we were so in love, sat on the most amazing beach, watching the sunset, kissing..


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

Freak is so right, you need to stop speaking to him, he has all the control if you do. my stbx does the same thing. example, last night my son told me my ex sil was pregnant, I wanted to find out for sure so I called stbxh and said is sue preg, he said oh yeah i forgot to tell u, he said let me call you right back, i said no you dont need to call back, you answered my question, he insisted on it, I told him no you dont need to and I hung up, 5 minutes later he was calling, he called a few times I never answered. 


He came to pick up my son last nite to take him for ice cream, my son and I were upstairs I was laying in bed reading and son on his puter, stbx comes and just walks right upstairs into my room, hey whats up. (the house is still ours) but see he thinks he still has control of everything. I am moving the 24th of this month into my own place and its gonna kill him as he wont be able to just hang around like he does here. I will let him see the place once, tell him to take a good look its the last time your coming in, he will think nothing of sitting here for an hour. its all control. you need to let go and if its meant to be it will be. he needs to know you might want him but you dont need him. we have a sick cat and I asked stbx if he would take him to live with him as I am gonna be renting and he throws up and I dont want him to ruin anything, well stbx wouldnt, now cat has doctors appt today, stbx calls yesterday asks what time the appt is cause he has his own doc appt tom, i told him and said your not coming, there is no need for you to be there, he said I want to know whats wrong with him, i said they will do blood work and I wont find out for a few days and i will tell you. he went on to ask again what time it was. I gave him the wrong time. really, he dont want to take him to help me out but wants to be at the appt. its all bull.

your husband is gonna use the kids as his excuse to get to you. mine does it everyday. I told him if he wants to dicuss our son leave a message about it and if i think its important enough to call you back i will, but i wont take nonsence calls. monday i had a tooth pulled, he called my house i was on the other line so didnt pick it up, told son to call him from my cell, soon as son hangs up with stbx my home phone starts ringing, its stbx, i answered he says should you be talking on the phone, you just had a tooth pulled. really, i said I will be going outside in 5 minutes to throw a ball around with son, i think i can talk on the phone. he gets so pissed when i have my son call him from the cell cause he thinks i am on the phone with another guy. last week i didnt answer and had son call from cell and he called me again and said why do you do that, i said what he said have him call from the cell, you can click over and give him the home phone is you call so imortant you need to have him call from the cell, i said yup, what is the big deal which phone he calls from. unreal. but 20 yrs of controlling is hard to let go i guess. so see i never begged, cried or pleaded for him to come home, i never really call him unless it has to do with son, and mostly I handle things myself with son, but he now looks like the one that is misssing me.


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

please they all start doing things they never did, in the 20 yrs we were together we never went to church, now he went wed for ashes with his mother, he all of a sudden found god. we had a cross his mom bought us hanging on the wall and yesterday while packing, i took it down and put it aside for him, when he came to pick son up i told him the cross is on the table he said you can have it if you want, i said no you take it your gonna need it more than me. he didnt like that to much.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Send him a text that says "All essential communication about the children needs to be through email or text." You are far less likely to be emotional and can take your time to respond. 

And PLEASE make sure you don't get yourself in trouble by threatening to keep the children away from him. He will hold that over your head if he gets tangible proof that can be shown in court. On the other hand, if you have proof of his affair, refusal to see the children, threats to keep money from you and the children... KEEP THEM. I know you're still hoping for reconciliation, but there's no harm in protecting yourself.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

AmImad said:


> He does have an amazing personality.. when he's not this arsehole that's taken over my H's body and mind.. he is so bloody intelligent, can remember every fact going.. you don't need Google with him around.. he has a great sense of humour, he and I are so similar in so many ways, and he's seemingly forgotten all of this and I am the evil wench that's ruined his life....


Gee..I could've written that!  In fact, I think I have in other threads. It's EXACTLY the same way with my husband. 

But you gotta move on. You can't stay in love and obsess over what WAS. You have to deal with what IS. He's shown you time and time what he's become and now you have to deal with that animal, not the ones in your memories, hopes and dreams. 

You can't change another person. You can only change how you react to them and the situation. 

If he wanted to cancel his plans and be with you this weekend then he WOULD say so. He's just yanking your chain now. He wants to get a reaction from you. Don't all bullies? He's BULLYING you. 

Don't feel guilty about anything. You have the right to make demands. If he choses to ignore/disregard them than it's his call and he has to accept the consequences. Right now he's committing adultery and you don't want your kids being exposed to that, do you? He's a bad influence on the kids, isn't he? 

I'm with WhereamI. Keep your communication short, brief and to the point. NO EMOTION. NO CALLS. 

Do not threaten to take the kids from him but don't make it easy either. If he wants to see them then it's on him to do so. Don't worry about whether or not he sees them or not. Don't make arrangements for him. Don't offer anything but don't be spiteful and tell him he doesn't have access as it only makes YOU look bad. 

I've never been a fan of using children as a weapon against one's estranged spouse. If the spouse is abusive or a danger to the kids then you go through the legal channels to protect the kids but if the spouse is an otherwise good parent then it's in everyone's interest (including the kids) to have the kids interact with both parents, assuming the kids want it that way. 

With my kids...., my 16 year old daughter wants nothing to do with my husband so she doesn't have to see him. My 13 year old son wants to see my husband regularly and he does so every weekend, but it's now up to my husband to make the effort and my son can call and arrange it with his father. At 13 he's old enough to interact independently from me with his father. 

I enjoy my free time and think it's win-win. But I harbor no feelings of vindictiveness and revenge against my husband. It might SOUND like I do but I take care of MYSELF now. I'm not out to hurt my husband. I just want to get on with my life and enjoy what's left of it without all this hassle and pain. I've given up on our relationship and it's ABOUT TIME. It's a RELIEF. :smthumbup:

If your husband does stupid things like threaten to cut you off then you'll have no choice but to talk to a lawyer. Make sure you take notes of ALL the things he says and does. SAVE all your email and make records of your texts for future references. You will probably need it later. You want to stack all the ducks in a row on your side now. 

You gotta start thinking like a soldier now. It's war and he's fired the first shot. It's your battle to win, for your sake and for your kids. Time to get with the program.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

bellringer said:


> He came to pick up my son last nite to take him for ice cream, my son and I were upstairs I was laying in bed reading and son on his puter, stbx comes and just walks right upstairs into my room, hey whats up. (the house is still ours) but see he thinks he still has control of everything. I am moving the 24th of this month into my own place and its gonna kill him as he wont be able to just hang around like he does here. I will let him see the place once, tell him to take a good look its the last time your coming in, he will think nothing of sitting here for an hour. its all control. you need to let go and if its meant to be it will be..


When my husband first moved out of the house we all lived in for 20 years he'd just barge in too. He came in one day drunk as a skunk and said he had to "put our son on the bus". Then he proceeded to go out on the porch and smoke while I put him on the bus. 

Then he sat and made a bunch of demands on me and tried to make feel bad with the usual verbal abuse. I just listened and said that he had a hard time letting go of the past and that I had to go to work..I also told him to be careful driving around drunk.

He seemed to take that seriously because he started acting better after that and started calling to ask if he could come over. We actually started to relate better for awhile...then things fell apart again. 

I moved out shortly after he left. Got my own place and it was the BEST thing I ever did. He asked once for a key and I gave him some excuse about not having an extra key. (this is when we were still talking about living together one day). He now knows not to make such stupid requests. 

He has very little interest in my apartment since I told him that he can't sit for hours outside on my porch and drink and smoke. He argued a bit with me about that and I said "It's my apartment, my neighbors think it's weird and I call the shots". So now he doesn't come here much. I consider that a good thing. :smthumbup:


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I have 1500 odd texts he's sent me over the past few months saved on the phone. He knows I have him over a barrel with the kids as if I wanted to be a complete *****, I could say he was only having supervised visitation as he is unpredictable.

How the hell will there be any reconciliation? Yeah I have the tiniest bit of hope, but seriously the chances of him realising its me he wants? Slim to none..

I am trying so hard to face up to that right now.

I have just sent him a text, asking him what he wants to know about the children? 

He's just replied, I would like to talk about the chance of sorting some of this out but I understand if you don't want to.

He's right I don't want to. And that is my response.


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

what is he trying to sort out? if he wants to see the kids set up times, you cant keep the kids from him, its not good for the kids. if he chooses not to show up on those days then its his loss. but the kids have a right to see their dad. I never deny my son a day to see his, if were not doing anything and stbx calls and asks to take him i dont have a prob with it, i wont want my son screwed up like his father is. because his mother did that stuff to him when she divorced. 



I wouldnt answer anymore of the texts, its all nonsence, worry about you and the kids. trust me going nc is the best thing i did for myself. its helped me on and not even want to take his calls.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> I am trying so hard to face up to that right now.
> 
> I have just sent him a text, asking him what he wants to know about the children?
> 
> ...


You're doing much better than in the past. 

Have you let him know that all essential talk about the children will be held over texts or email? This is you letting him know about your new boundary.

If he sends you something that's not specific (like the text he sent you earlier) simply ignore it. If he wants to talk about the children he needs to get straight to the point. If he asks you to call him, ignore it. You've already set that boundary (hopefully). 

No contact is a very powerful tool, but you have to know how to use it. You don't have to answer every text even if it's about the children! If you're confused about something there are plenty of people here that can point you in the right direction.


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

Freak, there is noooo way he will get a key to my place, hell no. I cant wait for the first nite he picks my son up when were in the apartment because he has to be let in by me and when he rings the bell I cant wait to get on the intercom and say I will bring him right down, stbx seems to think he will still be coming in, he is sadly mistaken. I look forward to having my own place. just last nite he brought son home at 8 and stayed here, by 8:30 i told my son say good nite to daddy, you need a shower, he really didnt but i wanted stbx to leave, so i took my son upstairs and turned the shower on, and like 5 minutes later i heard the door close, so he actually stayed downstairs a bit longer. hes wacked. he is such a control freak when i do move i think it will be the braking point for him, he wont know what to do with himself. he should have tried harder to keep the gf he left me for, now he is just wondering around all lonely. not my problem. 



see even today he has called a couple times, my son is in school and so he has no real reason to call, i let the answering mac pick them up, he is grasping at straws calling because the calls dont make sense, i get the newspaper delivered here, and he asked if i still want it at the apart, i said cancel it, this was last week he asked, so he said well its paid for, for the yr, he said he will call and have it delivered tot he apartment, i said fine, he wants me to call the newspaper and see if they diliver it there, i told him of course they do, but he insists i call the newspaper place, now if he is calling to have it sent there then why do i have to call there ot find out if they del it there, he can ask when he calls. see its all stupid calls. 

And i signed my son up for t-ball this yr and needed his birth cert, well i couldnt find it so asked if he had it, i am sure i have it put away somewhere, it ended up i knew the guy doing the t-ball so i didnt need it, and told stbx i didnt need it, so of course he calls today and leaves another mess askingif i found it and i need ot find it its important to have it, duh. but see i didnt answer the first call about the newspaper so he tries for the birth cert. 

freak did your ex do these things? I cant figure him out, he acts like he is still my husband. its bizzar behavior, everyone i talk to that has went through a divorce says it to, that their ex's dont ever do the things he does.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

AmI..you're in good hands,freak and whereAmI are great support for you ,very knowledgeable of how to handle HIM. Your H. is very toxic to you right now and you should not talk to him or even listen to his voice on VM . I agree that only text or Email is the way to go.

You're saying that you're not sure about the other W. ...can I ask you how did you find out...did he confess?!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Well we had a brief text conversation:

H: Ok, well if you do ever feel like it could you please let me know please. Could you also confirm by writing or email that you are refusing access? Thanks. 

M: You're commiting adultery, you're a bad influence on my children, you have hurt them adn they don't want to see or talk to you, until they do I am not forcing them.

M: Again, just so you understand, this is their choice not mine.

H: What makes you say I am commiting adultery? 

M: That would be the part where you go off and screw someone else whilst still married to me.

H: Well I would like a chance to talk to them at some point to hear it from them.

M: If and when my children decide they want to talk or see you I will let them contact and make arrangements, that's if you're not too busy to see them.

H: Ok would it be ok to write or email anyway to keep in touch? You can vet it and pass it on if you chose to.

M:Yes, you're welcome to send anything you want. I will continue to tell them that you love them.

H:Ok thank you.

M: I would like them to have a relationship with their father, But while they feel like this, I'm not forcing them, who knows maybe one day the man we all love will rear his head. Hope you have a lovely weekend and that its all worth it.

H:I hope what you're doing is right, I dont think it is but we'll just have to disagree. I would really like to see them so if at any point you change your mind can you let me know?

M: Of course it's my fault. I'm the selfish one.. I've made my point, I've told you that I wont stop them at any point and I mean it. I have no reason to lie... We don't have anything to discuss, if you want to know anything about the kids, then feel free to email or text me, you've made it very clear as to how you feel. Enjoy your new conquest (*****y I know, but a woman scorned and all that)

H: You're stopping me from seeing them. Thats your choice. Like I said can you put it in writing and let me know if you change your mind at any point.

M: No, it's their choice. Im not putting anything in writing.

H: Why not? Ok I'll put it in writing and you can confirm by return..

Me: Goodbye Liam.

And now I am sat crying.. why the f*ck is this happening? Why isn't he coming home, spending all weekend with his wife and family and celebrating his baby's birthday..


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

vivea said:


> AmI..you're in good hands,freak and whereAmI are great support for you ,very knowledgeable of how to handle HIM. Your H. is very toxic to you right now and you should not talk to him or even listen to his voice on VM . I agree that only text or Email is the way to go.
> 
> You're saying that you're not sure about the other W. ...can I ask you how did you find out...did he confess?!


Weeeeell he keep saying to me, you've got another man.. I just said yeah I have loads all lined up (im so sarcastic) and he said yeah he'll be a great step dad, I said well I jolly well hope so, gotta be a vast improvement on you (Angry me  )

He basically kept on, and he was being very shifty about why he wouldn't cancel his night out when he could be with his kids.. then he swore on our youngest that there was no one else.. then low and behold, he admitted there is someone else.. not much has happened as yet.. didn't meet her at work, wasnt his friends friend..didn't meet her online.. wouldn't tell me anything.. then said he wasn't seeing her this weekend, just some time next week...


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Holy hell.

You are one difficult nut to crack. You continually do things that only hurt yourself.

Hopefully someone is able to get through to you soon.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> Holy hell.
> 
> You are one difficult nut to crack. You continually do things that only hurt yourself.
> 
> Hopefully someone is able to get through to you soon.


What? I informed him that the children don't want to see and talk to him, when they do, I will let them contact him.

I'm not stopping them from seeing him.. I have told 'we' don't have anything to discuss. I have told him email or text me if he wants to know anything about the children.

He now knows everything, there is no further need for contact.

I don't see what I have done wrong?


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

I think If you stop crying in front of the kids and making your husband look bad then the kids would want to talk to him, yes he is an ass hole to you but its your divorce not the kids, he is still their father. I never bad mouth my sons father or cry in front of him. its not fair to them. you need to assure those children that they have a dad that ants to talk to them, like my lawyer said when my stbx said he was happy with seeing him 2 nights a week, you cant make someone a good father, I wouldnt take the phone calls away from them. like i said he is divorcing you not the children. so many men dont even want to be bothered with their kids and your husband wants to at least talk to them.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> What? *I informed him that the children don't want to see and talk to him, when they do, I will let them contact him.*
> 
> I'm not stopping them from seeing him.. I have told 'we' don't have anything to discuss. I have told him email or text me if he wants to know anything about the children.
> 
> ...


Do you see how you just addressed me? Simple, straight to the point, no emotion. That's how you should be addressing him. When you show him emotion or bring up the relationship he knows he has some hold over you.

You're putting yourself in a difficult position in regards to the children. I think your emotions are stopping you from seeing that. If I hadn't followed your story closely and read your text exchange, I would think you were a vindictive woman keeping your children from him. If you were to go to court he could use this against you. 

I think you should send him this exact *email*:

"I am in the process of helping the children understand that the choices you've made are not because of them. At the moment they are very hurt. Please provide me with the dates and times you would like to visit with the children. I will let you know what works for us."


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

bellringer said:


> I think If you stop crying in front of the kids and making your husband look bad then the kids would want to talk to him, yes he is an ass hole to you but its your divorce not the kids, he is still their father.* I never bad mouth my sons father or cry in front of him. its not fair to them. you need to assure those children that they have a dad that ants to talk to them, *like my lawyer said when my stbx said he was happy with seeing him 2 nights a week, you cant make someone a good father, I wouldnt take the phone calls away from them. like i said he is divorcing you not the children. so many men dont even want to be bothered with their kids and your husband wants to at least talk to them.


Please take this to heart. My husband had the WORST biological father on the planet earth. I don't believe that to be an exaggeration. She still allowed them to have contact with him, even when he was in jail (for sending the kids in the house to bring her out-so he could shoot her). They all eventually figured out what a loser he was. Let them get to that point on their own, otherwise they may end up resenting you for it.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> Please take this to heart. My husband had the WORST biological father on the planet earth. I don't believe that to be an exaggeration. She still allowed them to have contact with him, even when he was in jail (for sending the kids in the house to bring her out-so he could shoot her). They all eventually figured out what a loser he was. Let them get to that point on their own, otherwise they may end up resenting you for it.


Please understand, I have NEVER and I mean NEVER have bad mouthed their father EVER infront of them. I have NEVER stopped them from seeing him, I tell them every single day he loves them, I let him call them and I let them call him.. HE made the decision to blow them off, and it has hurt THEM to the point they said they don't want to talk to him at the moment, and I am not going to force them! 
If he calls and they don't want to talk, that's up to them, he has heard it from their own mouths. WHY didn't they want to talk to him? Because they had tried calling him over and over, they invited him to come out to the sea side with us, and he blew them off, my 8 year old was begging and I mean begging him to come and she was sobbing... guess what he picked?! I am a bloody good mum, no matter what pain, he puts me through I wouldn't do that to them!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> Do you see how you just addressed me? Simple, straight to the point, no emotion. That's how you should be addressing him. When you show him emotion or bring up the relationship he knows he has some hold over you.
> 
> You're putting yourself in a difficult position in regards to the children. I think your emotions are stopping you from seeing that. If I hadn't followed your story closely and read your text exchange, I would think you were a vindictive woman keeping your children from him. If you were to go to court he could use this against you.
> 
> ...


I have sent this message. 

He is now sending messages about what I want... as he doesn't know? Errrrrm is he ACTUALLY mental??

I have just said it really doesn't matter to you anyway. 

I get "Well thanks for sharing. I'll go back to banging my head against this desk now, it seems more productive and makes a lot more sense".... ARRRRGH FFS!!!

I just said "Look I'll give you a hint, I want the exact polar opposite of what you want. I have sent you an email. Now please leave me alone"

Why is he fishing? It's not that he doesn't know I want my marriage to work.. I've only been saying it for the last 4.5 months!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Don't respond to his "fishing." He is trying to bait you.
At thi spoint, you need to treat him like you would a colleague: in a professional, courteous manner with NO emotions involved. 

He DOES know you want it to work and he does not want it too. Therefore all you can do is concede and retrieve with dignity.

DO NOT discuss anything with him other than co-parenting/legal thigns.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Please understand, I have NEVER and I mean NEVER have bad mouthed their father EVER infront of them. I have NEVER stopped them from seeing him, I tell them every single day he loves them, I let him call them and I let them call him.. HE made the decision to blow them off, and it has hurt THEM to the point they said they don't want to talk to him at the moment, and I am not going to force them!
> If he calls and they don't want to talk, that's up to them, he has heard it from their own mouths. WHY didn't they want to talk to him? Because they had tried calling him over and over, they invited him to come out to the sea side with us, and he blew them off, my 8 year old was begging and I mean begging him to come and she was sobbing... guess what he picked?! I am a bloody good mum, no matter what pain, he puts me through I wouldn't do that to them!


That's great. Just PLEASE send the email. You need to make yourself appear put together and rational about this. Your last conversation did exactly the opposite. You need to do damage control NOW.

Document every time that he misses a date with the children. If the children want to see him send an email. This way every time he refuses you will have documentation. He's asking for you to confirm that you've "refused access." That is LAWYER SPEAK.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> I have sent this message.
> 
> He is now sending messages about what I want... as he doesn't know? Errrrrm is he ACTUALLY mental??
> 
> ...


STOP RESPONDING. I'm going to bang _my_ head against the desk!

You just confirmed for him you're still invested.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I feel like I am banging my head against the wall.. he now wont admit if there is someone else or not.

Well I just don't care any more... if he's with someone there's nothing I can do is there? If he's not, then he may well benefit from the NC....

Who knows... He baits me, and I've been hooking every time. No more..

Do I say "If you're with someone you are, you're right it's nothing to do with me, we're seperated. Night?"


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Remember how I suggested taking at least an hour to decide whether or not something should be responded to? Could you please start? You are letting your emotions control you. 

If you don't know whether something requires a response, ask on TAM!


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

amimad said:


> i feel like i am banging my head against the wall.. He now wont admit if there is someone else or not.
> 
> Well i just don't care any more... If he's with someone there's nothing i can do is there? If he's not, then he may well benefit from the nc....
> 
> ...


say nothing!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> STOP RESPONDING. I'm going to bang _my_ head against the desk!
> 
> You just confirmed for him you're still invested.


Because I am stupidly invested  I still want my flaming marriage to work 

The Lawyer speak isn't because he's seen a lawyer btw, it's because he is living with his sis and bil and his bil is divorced with a son and is giving him advice.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> say nothing!


Ok. He clearly knows I am bothered by this, that's why he is doing it isn't it? But it partly makes me think he was lying.. Oh well f*ck it!


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Because I am stupidly invested  I still want my flaming marriage to work
> 
> The Lawyer speak isn't because he's seen a lawyer btw, it's because he is living with his sis and bil and his bil is divorced with a son and is giving him advice.


Well, he's getting good advice. Protect yourself.

Supposing NC works and you still want him back, you're going to have a lot of work to do. If you hold on to the bad habits you had in the marriage you're doomed to repeat this cycle. Have you thought about finding an IC?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Well I just don't care any more... if he's with someone there's nothing I can do is there?


Exactly. If he is, that is his decision. 
No contact is something you are doing for YOU, not him. The more you reach out to hi , the more it pushes him away.He does not want to be married. Keep repeating it til it sticks. I knwo it's harsh but it's true. You are not doing yourself any favors by interrogating him on whether he's with someone or not. If he is, the last person he will admit it is to you (all cheaters lie).


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> Well, he's getting good advice. Protect yourself.
> 
> Supposing NC works and you still want him back, you're going to have a lot of work to do. If you hold on to the bad habits you had in the marriage you're doomed to repeat this cycle. Have you thought about finding an IC?


I've realised my mistakes in the marriage, infact, he never told me anything, it was stuff, I came to realise by myself then told him, these things I can't readily fix unless he was to come home. 

And yes I have started looking into it, I spoke to my consultant at the hospital this morning and has said there maybe someway I could combine it with the cancer consillor..


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Exactly. If he is, that is his decision.
> No contact is something you are doing for YOU, not him. The more you reach out to hi , the more it pushes him away.He does not want to be married. Keep repeating it til it sticks. I knwo it's harsh but it's true. You are not doing yourself any favors by interrogating him on whether he's with someone or not. If he is, the last person he will admit it is to you (all cheaters lie).


I know, he had told me that he was seeing someone, then he's kinda back pedaled I don't know what's the truth, either way it all hurts. *shrugs* I wish I could just stop and give up, and I am going to do my hardest to try, then maybe just may be when I have stopped all these f*cking games he'll realise I am serious...


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

I know it hurts to see your child hurt, my stbx has dissapointed our son as well, but he still needs his dad, my son knows his dads phone number and if he wants to talk to him he will just call him himself.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

bellringer said:


> I know it hurts to see your child hurt, my stbx has dissapointed our son as well, but he still needs his dad, my son knows his dads phone number and if he wants to talk to him he will just call him himself.


Do you think I should let him come on our daughters birthday? It's tearing me apart, I am taking her to a safari park, so I know she's going to have a blast, but at the same time can I do a whole day with him? 

EDIT

But he keeps texting me asking me things like "Do you think I've made someone up to hurt you?"

He's winding me up, I can't do it...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So did he say he IS seeing someone or he ISN'T? 

Eithe rway, it doesn't matter. He's gone. 

Re; the birthday: Tell him what your plans are for her birthday so that he knows. You need to DETACH as much as possible, girl.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> So did he say he IS seeing someone or he ISN'T?
> 
> Eithe rway, it doesn't matter. He's gone.
> 
> Re; the birthday: Tell him what your plans are for her birthday so that he knows. You need to DETACH as much as possible, girl.


:iagree:


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

OMG AmI so much BS.Sorry girl,this is crazy. 
hugs

I'm having a crappy day as well.H. was supposed to be here 2 hrs ago to pick up daughter,she is waiting and asking every 5 min...you know how kids are.
He texted at one point that traffic is crazy and he can't talk because of his battery. I do not believe him.I know he has 3 spare batteries and a car charger so i don't understand,and i'm sure he just woke up later than normal and that is why is still on the road...ughhhh. How hard it is to be a normal human being...at least to your kids. 

Gosh i hope i can talk to him today,i have not seen him for more that a month.Why everything has to be so dificult with these people,just say the truth for God's sake.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Do you think I should let him come on our daughters birthday? It's tearing me apart, I am taking her to a safari park, so I know she's going to have a blast, but at the same time can I do a whole day with him?
> 
> EDIT
> 
> ...


Please tell me you haven't been responding. 

I don't think you should invite him. He's fully capable of throwing another celebration for your daughter. 

Your husband is emotionally abusive. He'd probably use your daughter's party to abuse you further. If you invite him you're setting yourself up for even more emotional turmoil. You're trying to gain control, but you are no where near where you need to be at the moment. Do not invite the man.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Is it possible that you invite him but avoid him the whole time.If you're outside just avoid him ,walk in front or behind him with a relative. If he approaches you to talk remind him why he is there and answer only Q about the kids.
I mean IDK i don't want all this to turn against you,he is the father.
H. came for my 1 years old BDay ,he was here at home.My relatives were here and we pretended nothing was going on,no body was rude.
It's a BDay and we have to get along somehow for these events...it's all about the kids.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

vivea said:


> Is it possible that you invite him but avoid him the whole time.If you're outside just avoid him ,walk in front or behind him with a relative. If he approaches you to talk remind him why he is there and answer only Q about the kids.
> I mean IDK i don't want all this to turn against you,he is the father.
> H. came for my 1 years old BDay ,he was here at home.My relatives were here and we pretended nothing was going on,no body was rude.
> It's a BDay and we have to get along somehow for these events...it's all about the kids.


And the kids deserve a healthy mother. This man is doing everything in his power to get her to remain unstable and under his thumb. She keeps getting sucked in through texts, do you really think she can resist him in person? 

They may be able to do birthdays together in the future. Right now it's not a good idea. She is entirely too vulnerable and it will result in a setback.

Ami, you're just not strong enough for this yet. He can throw his own party for your daughter. She'd benefit more from one-on-one time with him. The two of you together will add nothing but tension.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I am seriously torn over this, He is her daddy, she loves him, he was the first one to hold her, I posted the thing he wrote about when she was born.
Can I seriously stop him from coming and joining in, I'll never forgive myself, I am sat crying over this. I don't want to do something I'll regret, or something he'll hold against me forever..

He did send me some texts this evening, telling me he does care about me, whatever I may think, and he does think about me sometimes, he wont tell me outright if he's seeing someone, but he did say do I think he would make someone up just to hurt me? 

I said well I have my answer, yesterday he told me there was someone else, and then he's just said he wouldn't make someone up just to hurt me.. so there it is.. he said I was jumping to conclusions.

He is so screwed up.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> I am seriously torn over this, He is her daddy, she loves him, he was the first one to hold her, I posted the thing he wrote about when she was born.
> Can I seriously stop him from coming and joining in, I'll never forgive myself, I am sat crying over this. I don't want to do something I'll regret, or something he'll hold against me forever..
> 
> He did send me some texts this evening, telling me he does care about me, whatever I may think, and he does think about me sometimes, he wont tell me outright if he's seeing someone, but he did say do I think he would make someone up just to hurt me?
> ...


If you don't invite him to this party and happen to get back together in the future, in a _healthy_relationship, he'll understand why you did it. If his head is on right, he'll see that his behavior at this point was unacceptable and that you had to protect yourself. Unless you plan on getting him back to be in the same miserable marriage I think you should have a blast with your daughter and not worry about him.

The texts he's sending you are all a part of manipulation. Don't believe a word that he says, ever. He's shown you that he's not trust worthy repeatedly. Trying to analyze his remarks is a waste of time.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

We're going to a safari park, somewhere we always planned to take them... it will just be me and the 3 kids.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> We're going to a safari park, somewhere we always planned to take them... it will just be me and the 3 kids.


Can anyone else go?


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> Can anyone else go?


No sadly not  My mum can't get out of work and my dad is disabled. Not making excuses, that's just how it is.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> No sadly not  My mum can't get out of work and my dad is disabled. Not making excuses, that's just how it is.


One of your friends?

Your physical health is obviously a factor at this point. Your emotional health is in danger as well. If you subject yourself to this you _know_ you're going to come out of it emotionally drained. Can you handle that at this point? 

If you decide that you absolutely must invite him, please realize he will be manipulating you. If you show that you want to be with him at all, he'll pull away. If you are cold, he'll probably grab for your hand or say something sweet to pull you back in. 

I'm 110% against you inviting him, but I understand where you're coming from. If there is anyone else that would be willing to go, I think you should invite them. Maybe one of your daughter's friends and their mother or father?


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

I wouldnt invite him either. my stbx had his own party for my son.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

AmI..i think you should do what your heart tells you to.If you have to spend one more day with him so be it....after that complete NC.
If you think it'll make you really sad tomorrow go ahead and freaking invite him.What the heck ,as I said one more day is not going to kill you. Take his crap one more day and that's about it.
you have to really think about it ,close your eyes picture the day with him...how does it make you feel....?!


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

you could always take the kids onthe safari yourself and have him meet you somewhere afterwards...


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Well, it's nice to know that you folks have been continuing on without me. I got this thing called "work" that I have to bug out for 8 hours a day and then there was my daughter and her friends I had to pick up and drop off at a restaurant downtown. Every see four 16 year old girls in short SHORT skirts and high heels climb in and out of a lifted Jeep Wrangler? It's pretty hysterical and I wish I'd recorded it for Youtube and I now know why I never wear high heels. :rofl:

So now here I am back in my domain with a yummy chicken and mozzarella sandwich and a couple of glasses of white zinfadel in me. I do LOVE Fridays! I have gone from cold sober to slightly buzzed in the time it took me to read the last few pages so bear with me...

So let's see..where do we go from here...:scratchhead:



WhereAmI said:


> And the kids deserve a healthy mother. This man is doing everything in his power to get her to remain unstable and under his thumb. She keeps getting sucked in through texts, do you really think she can resist him in person?
> 
> They may be able to do birthdays together in the future. Right now it's not a good idea. She is entirely too vulnerable and it will result in a setback.
> 
> Ami, you're just not strong enough for this yet. He can throw his own party for your daughter. She'd benefit more from one-on-one time with him. The two of you together will add nothing but tension.


Oh yes, the A-hole. Is he still there? I've read the whole sad diatribe and I agree wholeheartedly with the advice you've been given. 

AmIMad, you poor soul... You so want this to work! But you gotta stand firm and take a stand. He'll NEVER change until you do! You have to be patient. You are like me in that you want/need instant results and answers but it doesn't happen like that. The 180 of which I refer frequently to is how to go about this. You need to work on YOURSELF and then you deal with him in a non passionate objective manner. You at least have to make a start!

You made an excellent start with your ultimatum concerning this weekend. Don't backslide now! Maintain your position and consider him OUT of the picture this weekend. You take your kids and have a GRAND time for your daughter's birthday. 

First of all..it is HER birthday. HER DAY. You only get one 9th (I'm assuming that's it) birthday and you CANNOT allow this situation to ruin it. As Bellringer wisely pointed out, it's YOUR divorce...YOUR situation. You can't let it spill over on your daughter's day. What you need to do is focus ENTIRELY on your daughter. Right now if you DID have your H there it would be at BEST a distraction and at WORSE it would be a catastrophe (I'm betting on the latter). Just focus on your KIDS. 

Something tells me that they have sensed (despite your best efforts) the stress and sadness that has consumed. They have a sick, emotionally distressed mother and a 'neer do well, uncaring father who can't keep his d*ck in his pants long enough to spend a B-day with his daughter. You need to step up to the plate and forget about yourself and the situation for HER and be there. 

So (to coin a Jersey phrase) FORGETTABOUT IT!! and just take your kids out and have a great time

The more you do it, the more you will get used to it. It's work at first but it gets easier. Trust me


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

:slap: Oh geez..I started ANOTHER new page! Seems like every other page on my 'puter has "Freak on a Leash" on the top of it.  I am a prolific writer, am I not? 

Let's see..

Oh yes..that "discussion" you had with your husband...

Problem was is that you did what I said NOT to do and "got down into the pit with him." You didn't "stay above the fray." What I mean by that is that you got down to his level. He was counting on that. You didn't take the high road. You need to work on that. 

You don't discuss your feelings or what he did or what you are going to do or ANYTHING that pertains to you, your marriage, your feelings, etc. You talk BUSINESS. By "business" I mean the kids, visiting hours, how much you need for support, etc. NOTHING that is emotional. You need to DIVEST yourself emotionally from this guy. 

He is COUNTING On you responding. That is why he keeps at you. At first you are strong and keep with the program but he knows that if he eggs you on enough you'll fall down to his level..and you do. You need to work on that. I've fallen into the same trap. But NOW I don't. 



bellringer said:


> I know it hurts to see your child hurt, my stbx has dissapointed our son as well, but he still needs his dad, my son knows his dads phone number and if he wants to talk to him he will just call him himself.


:iagree: I deal with the same situation. Here's an example. Today is Friday. Every Friday my husband wants to see my son and take him back to his house for the weekend. That's what he's stated. He was SO adamant about this that he INSISTED my son be there EVERY weekend even when I had told him that I wanted some romantic "alone" time with him (back when I still made these requests). He then went on and accused me of "resenting" my son. :rofl:

Well, I've since figured out that I'm not going to have any more romantic weekends with a man who wants to spend his time drinking and smoking in the freezing cold on a porch so I don't bother. To top it off, I used to take the time to drive my son to his house and pick him up because I wanted to be "nice" and figured I was both doing him a favor and looking good as a result. 

Then I figured "why bother?". I have NO problem with his seeing our son. I encourage it. But I work hard for 5 days a week and he isn't working at all and if he wants to see my son then he should make it happen. Plus, this way I don't get caught up at his house and drawn into one of our lovely little "talks" where he proceeds to tear into me and ruin my night. So I told my son to call his father if he wants to see him and make the arrangements. At 13 he is old enough. 

So my son calls him today and then calls me at work and tells me that his father is going to pick him up at 5pm I say "OK, have fun". 

I get home at 6:30pm and my son is still there. "Dad is running late". My son calls him and my husband answers the phone and assures my son that he is leaving "now" and then asks to speak with me. We chat and I say "I'm taking a shower and should be here when you get here, if not, have a great time.". He tells me he's leaving "now" and will be there shortly. He lives 10 minutes away. 15 minutes if he catches the lights wrong. 

I then shower and 20 minutes later..no husband. I leave to pick up my daughter at her friend's house, figuring my son will be gone when I get back. I come back at 7:30 pm. Son is still home and his father isn't answering the phone when he calls him. 

So I leave at 7:45pm to take daughter and friends to dinner. I tell my son, "Well, I guess your father will be here shortly..still no answer?". He says "No."

At 8:15pm I come back and son is STILL home. He mutters something about me bringing him over. I say "Nope, your father said he'd be over". He tried his father's phone and still no answer. I have dinner and drink a few glasses of wine and am reading this thread. 

9:30pm...No husband. My son is pretty disappointed and says "I've lost hope and next time if Dad is more than an hour late then I'm not going."

I say that is a good plan. I also say that is the way his father is and he's probably taking a nap. I say nothing about his father being bad or a drunk or inconsiderate and not being able to depend on him...even though I'm thinking it. 

Fortunately my son is a very confident, independent, self assured young man. I know he's hurt and disappointed. Now we're joking around with each other about it. He's laughing at my jokes and playing on his computer. And he's learning about his father WITHOUT my input. He'll figure it out on his own.

My TELLING him what jerk his father is being isn't going to convince him. He'll just get mad at me and then defend him. I'm always telling my daughter NOT to badmouth her father in front of my son. 

However, by my loving my son and being there for him and telling him that it'll all be fine... I'm making HIM feel better. That's what parenting is. 

You can't take this stuff personally. I have come to expect his sort of behavior. It's why I don't make plans with my husband anymore. It's why I don't go places with him. It's why I don't call him or deal with him much. Once you stop caring and feeling pain it's MUCH easier. 

I said to my son.."You can't change your father, you can only learn to deal with him."

We are now taking bets on whether he'll be here by 11pm and what his excuse is:

Me: "I think he's taking a nap"

Son: "do you think he'll admit it?"

Me: "Absolutely"

Son: "Nah, he'll say he was running errands or taking the scenic route". 

Me: "The scenic route? How is he coming, by way of Pennsylvania?" (we live in New Jersey :rofl

He laughs and now he's playing on his computer and I'm typing this. Once upon a time I would've called my husband repeatedly. Left voicemails and texts. The FIRST time he did this I drove over and found my husband passed out on the couch and lashed into him for disappointing our son and we had a big fight. Did it change anything? Nope. 

So now I no longer get angry or hurt or sad about my husband. I laugh about it and work on being there for my kids. I can ONLY account for my own actions. 

As for my husband, I take him for what he is and my kids are using ME as THEIR example as a result. If I was crying and getting angry and cursing him they would be taking THAT cue and feeling terrible. Instead my son is joking around. Trust me, it's a MUCH better way to be. It doesn't mean he doesn't care or isnt hurt but he's learning MUCH better skills at dealing with this type of situation. 

Kids are smart, tough and resilient. Two great parents together is the best thing. ONE great parent is a good substitute. TWO parents falling apart who are consumed by their own problems is NOT good. If YOU love them they will weather the storm but you have to set a good example and be STRONG and INDEPENDENT. They will be watching you and taking their cues from you. 

Ok, time for some more wine and my macadamian nut cookie awaits. Yum.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

bellringer said:


> freak did your ex do these things? I cant figure him out, he acts like he is still my husband. its bizzar behavior, everyone i talk to that has went through a divorce says it to, that their ex's dont ever do the things he does.


Hmm..you say he had an affair and then it didn't work. Sounds like he's having some regrets. Too bad for him! :rofl: I'm SURE you feel REALLY sorry for him!  I LIKE how you are handling him. :smthumbup: The part about you taking your son upstairs to shower is PRICELESS. 

As for me, technically.. my husband is still my husband. No plans for divorce. But we are quite separated. He has no illusions and no fantasies that we are still together. He and I are of the same mindset when it comes to be separated. We both like it. We are of one mind. Like I told him.."We are two sides of the same coin."

He's happy at his house. It's the house he grew up in. He's still infatuated with the memory of his father so he's happy to be living with the ghost of his father there. He even keeps his cane in the corner of the bedroom where his father took his last breath. Touching, eh? He's cleaned up the place nicely and is quite comfortable. 

No one bothers him now. He doesn't work. He can sit and drink and smoke as much as he wants and no one bugs him. What's not to like?

I don't visit him much anymore unless I need to get water for my truck and eventually I'll need to get my kayaking and car gear from him as the weather turns warmer. Still got a few weeks til then. 

My daughter NEVER goes there and my son is getting to the point where he is losing faith in his father. Only a matter of time if keeps blowing off my son. My husband told me his worst fear is that he will lose his "other child" and he's doing his damned best to assure that he does just that. 

My husband rarely comes to my place. He knows it is MY place. At one time he harbored thoughts of moving in with us and even brought this nice Hi Definition big screen TV that he had bought for his father over here on the night after his father died. He said "My father would want his grandkids to have this." Too bad he hardly saw his grandkids when he was still alive but who am I to argue? 

I think my huband thought he'd be staying too, especially since I insisted that he stay here because I didn't want him to be alone in the house that his father died in just that morning. Well, he spent the entire next day drinking and smoking out on MY stoop and I told him it wasn't acceptable so he went back to his father's house and there he's been ever since. At least he left the TV. 

So to answer your question: No, my husband doesn't act like that. Thankfully. Like I said before, for the short period of time after we separated when I was in the house we both lived in he would drop by. At first he did it without notice. Then he would call before coming over. I never minded. I had some good sex a few times so it was all good.  But we were only there a few weeks and then we moved out. 

Don't worry, it will get A LOT better when you move. YOU WILL LOVE IT!! :smthumbup:


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

:rofl: Damn..I'm STILL the only one posting? Who can get a word in edgewise? 

AmIMad..given the fact that you are in the UK and are probably sleeping or just waking up or it's tomorrow or yesterday.. :scratchhead:

Well...I Hope you didn't invite the bastid to your daughter's birthday! Trust me YOU'LL HAVE A BETTER TIME WITHOUT HIM. 

Now go have a great day!! That's an ORDER!!!

I gotta play some World of Warcraft. :smthumbup:


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Yes, I was asleep, well that was until my youngest (who's birthday it is tomorrow) starting being sick  At 4am she was being very sick and crying for her daddy, it breaks my heart.

I have a confession, and I wholly expect to be torn a new one because of it. We actually spoke on the phone for almost 2 hours last night...

It started off really well, we talked about the kids, shared a few jokes, talked about Japan, work, his job, what was going to happen on Monday, his voice went all soft and he said he likes it when we're like this, I asked why he has to get so sh*tty with me, He said said because he's a w*nker and that he feels like he has to score points to look like the big man... when we talked I was talking to 'MY' husband..

I did say I felt like a b*tch with him not being at his daughters bday, I did say I was taking them to a safari park and he said he'd like to come, but was a bit weird about it, I said I would be leaving early in the morning, if he's not here, he's not here. It was all a bit tense to be honest.

I did ask if there was someone else, he said, like me, there could be, it's nothing at the moment though, again wouldn't give me any information... I asked him if he wanted there to be more, he said he didn't know, everything is just so sh*t at the moment, he doesn't think it's a good idea?!

Then things took a turn for the worse, I asked him why he wasn't willing to make a go of it with me, he just kept saying he was done, he didn't want to get back with me, that it's been 5 months.. I asked if he if loved me he said "I don't 'think' so..Why didn't he just say No?..No I don't love you?.. he basically carried on blaming me, but I laid it all out straight, and kept my calm, he said things would never change, I asked how he knew, that people fall in and out of love every day, that we could just spend some time together even have a few dates, he says he doesn't want too.
He started getting really arsey, he said he was really f*cking screwed up over his sh*tty life.. I informed him that he made all the choices, and his life was his doing and that my life was considerably sh*ttier and I've had no control over it... this all got my back up so I just hung up.. didn't call him back or text him..

Then I get a text saying "I didn't want it to end like that, please call me tomorrow"
I ignored it and I got "sorry" I just said "So am I" 

I know I am going to be shot down in flames for this and I know he's been acting like a complete arsehole, but part of me thinks he still loves me..he hasn't filed for D and he still texts and calls? Part of me thinks he's so screwed up he can't tell his arse from his elbow right now? Maybe I am too naive, maybe he is just screwing me over? 

The thing is I am not a b*tch, I am struggling to be and not put emotion into anything, that's just not who I am. I keep thinking if I do this NC it just confirms how he feels about me, as I am not the fun person he fell in love with. Especially when he 'seems' a bit confused. He knows how I feel about him, that I want my marriage to work.... there's nothing more I can do... I hope some of the things I said to him last night sink in. If he does get with someone else, then all my fight will go out of the window.. but what can I do to stop it?

I love my Husband.

I really wish you was online  I am sat here thinking about him, I always end up doing more damage than good....


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

> I know I am going to be shot down in flames for this and I know he's been acting like a complete arsehole, but part of me thinks he still loves me..he hasn't filed for D and he still texts and calls? Part of me thinks he's so screwed up he can't tell his arse from his elbow right now? Maybe I am too naive, maybe he is just screwing me over?


Correct!

He is screwed up and the ONLY way you can help unscrew him is to do the 180 and enforce NC.

All you do by having these "nice" chats is give him enough reassurance so that he can continue being an arse. He gets all guilty and starting to question things because you're not there THEN you are there and everything is fine she does love me, I'll continue to be a selfish prick.

He has been with you for 15 years, unless he is suffering from amnesia he already has all the information he needs to make the right decision.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I hear ya, I do, but with me being this seemingly cold hearted *****, it's just reassuring the feelings he thinks he has or doesn't have.. 

He said last night "You haven't changed" ... This was our first proper phone conversation, since I can't remember when.. everything else has just been so hostile.. If I don't make some sort of effort to be pleasant, all he'll have is our last conversation where I was just b*tchy.. I don't want that.. when we are nice with each other, he asks to spend more time with us.. isn't that what I want? For him to spend more time with us and for him to walk away thinking DAMN I miss my family and I miss this??


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

> isn't that what I want? For him to spend more time with us and for him to walk away thinking DAMN I miss my family and I miss this??


Its doesnt work like that.

Think of it like a gym membership, gyms offer free passes all the time right? They get you in there and then when your pass runs out you have to COMMIT to membership. If you dont they just say see ya!

If gyms just allowed people to come back free of charge whenever they felt like it and HOPED that some of them then might COMMIT there wouldnt be any gyms because none of the would make any money.

2 things happen when you break NC
1) you remember what it was like to have him around and attach yourself to him more emotionally, you become even more frustrated
2) he gets his fix at family life and can then go back to doing what he wants. Guilt is removed because wife is freindly and nice. Next time he feels a bit miserable he just calls you up or spends family time with you.

You have options...
Option 1) keep letting him control your emotional well being. You will never progress as a person and neither will he.
Option 2) 180. NC. You will become less emoitional about the relationship and more objective. You will progress as a person even if he never comes back. He will be forced to face life without you and have to do some soul searching.

The choice is yours!


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

I think that AMI is doing the right thing.

Indy...great analogy with the gym...BUT if the gym is shi*tty you won't go back for a membership right?! :/

Now AmI and her H. has been arguing for quite some time...he won't miss that.I think in her case the strategy is to show him some nice and changed HER...i would say for about 1-2 months. No arguing AT ALL.Than if nothing progresses she can go the NC route ....than HE can have something to miss about her,to think "" damn i had a good time with her,she's fun,we haven't argued at all ,i loved talking to her "
She needs to give him something 1st though,as hard as it would be for her because she has to bite her tongue big time.

Sorry guys but that is what I did and it worked for me.

Your support is amazing and makes so much sense but it's so individual....i think that is what's right in HER case!


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

You dont have to be a ***** to go nc. believe me I tried being a ***** in the beginning, I am a happy person by nature so it was exhausting trying to be someone i am not, it took to much out of me. I instead just acted like myself, but wouldnt be there for him to walk all over. if he called and it was about my son we would talk about it and nothing else. He wasnt the center of my universe anymore, he was my sons father so, he didnt need to know where i was going all the time who i was with. you just need to move on like he isnt comming back and take care of your children and yourself. my son and I did everything alone while we were married so I continued to do those things with my son. like i said we were never home over the summer. and i think that is why my son hasnt changed by all this. when stbx left I picked myself up and said well hes gone its time to live our lives like without him, wasnt that hard cause he didnt come with us fishing, amusement parks, and so on. my family is great they have kids the same age as my son so we were always doing little vacations. and just going places and seeing my son happy made me forget all about stbx not being with us.


3 months after he left I made reservations for disney world, called stbx and said were going to disney and your paying. we had a blast. if i laid around crying all the time and chasing him begging him, and he only rejected me then I would prob be where you are now. you need to pick yourself up, realize he might not come back, and live your life with your children. belive me I hoped in the beginning he would snap out of it and come home, but i didnt dwell on it, I had to move forward thinking he might never come back and I will be fine without him. 

time helps but you cant sit home dwelling on it cause it may never happen. I think my stbx had and still has regrets, it will be and is his loss. I am not the type to beg, he was the one who left, If he isnt happy then there is nothing I can do about it. I can only do something about my happiness. 




Freak, I cant wait to move out. this tuesday I am gonna start moving some things into the apartment. yesterday stbx came to get my son they were all ready to leave, my son had jacket and shoes on and was at the front door waiting, and stbx just hung in the kitchen for like 15 minutes, finally I said why are you still here? I said it a few more times and he said ugg why are you being an ass, I said but why are you still here drew is at the door waiting to leave, so he just stormed out. wait till i move and he can only ring the bell and i bring my son down, he is gonna have a stroke. like last saturday he was taking my son instead of friday, its usually a friday but i asked himto take him saturday as i had plans, he picked son up early as i requested I said ok bye and stbx hung around I said ok you need to leave your making me run late, so I walked son to the garage, stbx got him in the car I closed the door and went and sat down, and they come back in and stbx starts changing light bulbs!!! wtf. I said really are you kidding me. he canged a few and left. so moving is gonna be awsome. 

everyday its something else, yesterday he called and *****ed cause I had the paper delivered to the apartment and he wanted to do it for me. omg he has issues. I actually had to turn the shower on and tell him 5 times ok i gotta go i am getting in the shower. it seems I am always the one who has to let him go. he really should find someone who will make him happy. see iam this is where you will be at some point if he chooses not to come back.


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

The reason he said you havent changed is because when you ask him those questions like do u love me are you seeing someone, you dont get the answers you want, so of course your hurt and *****y, so stop asking those questions. like everyone said only about the kids.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I value everything you're saying, but what's to say, when he's asking to spend time with us, it's not his own weird f*cked up way of slowly trying to work things out?

I don't want to be divorced, I am not ready to give up, I am not saying I am going to be a complete push over, I am saying I can be nice, if he texts me something silly, I can respond.. these are things that he misses about me, he sent me a msg last night telling me there's a new book out by my favourite author, followed by "See I do still think about you sometimes".. He texts me, I don't hound him with texts to come home, but I have let my emotions take over some times and that is what I need to stop doing..


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

100% agree with vivea. It kills you, but the ONLY way you will get back together is 180. The conversation went bad when you brought up the relationship. If you didn't talk about it, he would have hung up and thought about good times and what is he losing. Instead he hung up pissed b/c you talked about the relationship which he isn't willing to talk about right now. If you force him to talk about it, he will get defensive and pissed.

The only hope for you is 180 and limited contact (no contact if he is going to be an a$$). Its good you had the phone conversation. Its REALLY bad you brought up the relationship when he wasn't ready to talk about it.

I know the position you are in is VERY hard. I was there for a few months and it felt like I was falling apart every day. It was easily the hardest thing I've done.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

anx said:


> 100% agree with vivea. It kills you, but the ONLY way you will get back together is 180. The conversation went bad when you brought up the relationship. If you didn't talk about it, he would have hung up and thought about good times and what is he losing. Instead he hung up pissed b/c you talked about the relationship which he isn't willing to talk about right now. If you force him to talk about it, he will get defensive and pissed.
> 
> The only hope for you is 180 and limited contact (no contact if he is going to be an a$$). Its good you had the phone conversation. Its REALLY bad you brought up the relationship when he wasn't ready to talk about it.
> 
> I know the position you are in is VERY hard. I was there for a few months and it felt like I was falling apart every day. It was easily the hardest thing I've done.


I know, and thats where I have to reel my neck in, not talking about it.. I was the one that hung up, and he sent me the text apologising..

Any advice on how to get through, without bringing anything up? He knows what I want now.. he has offered to take us out next week, which is a bit encouraging isnt it? He is going out tonight and I feel so bloody uncomfortable as I don't know if there is really another woman in the background and if she will be there.. he went to the cinema the other night to see Kings Speech.. I'm guessing he didn't go with the blokes from work and that stresses me out.. God I don't know what I am doing?.. :scratchhead:


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> he has offered to take us out next week, which is a bit encouraging isnt it?


 I would do this. 

Just take it day by day.

from the 180 list


> 9. Do not schedule dates together.


let him do that, and go to them if they aren't inconvenient or whatever.


> 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
> 20. All questions about marriage should be put on
> hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
> 23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
> ...


Just wait and start to move on slowly. Leave the door open for dates he plans, good phone discussions (you had it and just messed it up with the talk of the R), and other good things.

Its fine that the call went that way. You both learned something from it. 

Take the good, deescalate and NC the bad, and wait


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

I think you have the upper hand if you do the nc, If he wanted a divorce he prob would have filed or spoke to a lawyer by now. I am willing to bet if you show him your strong and dont need him he will be crawling back to you. he is playing games, he likes when your all sad and in the dumps. some people get a rise out of being chased.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Well he did just call me asking what his Mum should get our daughter for her bday (his Mum normally just calls me and asks *shrugs*) he was really nice?! He asked if I was ok? Made a couple of jokes, then said he will call the kids before they go to bed. 

There seems to be a HUGE difference in attitude.. I don't know.. I didn't mention him going out or ANYTHING.... No snide comments. 

I'm pretty sure he probably hasn't noticed me being nice yet bloody aspergers! lol...

I am truly hoping when he see's me tomorrow, he'll think wow.. first time he'll have seen me in 3 weeks.. and I've changed my hair etc.. who knows  

Thank you Anx, I am glad I hung up last night, it showed I wasn't prepared to put up with it, and he was the one that apologised.. in the past few months, I would have carried on arguing, he would have hung up and I would have called him back.. I think I have learnt a bit along the way...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AmImad said:


> _I did ask if there was someone else, he said, like me, there could be, it's nothing at the moment though, again wouldn't give me any information... I asked him if he wanted there to be more, he said he didn't know, _everything is just so sh*t at the moment, he doesn't think it's a good idea?!
> 
> Then things took a turn for the worse, I asked him why he wasn't willing to make a go of it with me, *he just kept saying he was done, he didn't want to get back with me, that it's been 5 months.. I asked if he if loved me he said "I don't 'think' so..*


Please please please... for the love of God and everything sacred, STOP begging him for his love. He has told you over and over again what his stance is. Do not keep doing this to yourself. Do not call him, do not text him, do not ask him why he doesn't love you. Keep repeating to yourself what he said...that he is done, that he doesn't love you...until it sticks.

The sooner you get some self-respect and learn to accept the fact he wants out, the BETTER for you. The issue lies within him, not you, that is why he is blaming you for everything, cause he can't own the fact that he wants out on his own so he has to find a place to put blame on you.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Nope, AmIMad's got it in her head that she's going to go on playing abuse victim. That the only way she's going to get this adulterous, abusive jacka*ss back is to roll over and kow tow to him. That's how is goes. Hopefully soon she's gonna figure it out. It's just going to take awhile. 

I've been there myself. Week before last I was doing the 180 and made the mistake of staying and chatting with my husband when I dropped my son off that Friday night. He talked me into spending Saturday night with him. Stupid me just did that. I figured that maybe if he saw me as pleasant and loving he's figure out what he was missing (sound familiar?). I figured maybe we just needed a good time together to set things back on the right track after all the fights and problems we'd been having (sound familiar?). I figured maybe if was the NICE and LOVING person he'd figure out just how much he wanted me (sound familiar?). 

So I went over there with a bottle of wine and a cigar (I figured if you can't beat 'em then join 'em) and sat with him on the porch just like he'd been asking me to. Well we sat out there for HOURS in the cold and at first the conversation was VERY much like the one AmIMad had with her husband. It was pleasant and he said the same thing..that he loved when were together like this. He took my hand and smiled and told me he loved me. Sounds good, eh?

THEN the conversation took a turn for the worst. He started talking about the boat he was going to buy with his inheritance and taking the summer off and how I wouldn't be able to spend as much time up at Lake George because I had to work and it was too bad on me and all because of the way I had acted in the past..blah blah blah. 

So then the anger and resentment over how he blew through our savings account, how he wrecked the past year, all the vacations and holidays that he destroyed, how now he isn't even working and I'm working like a dog..all that welled up and off we went. I started accusing him of what he did. He told me I deserved what I got for all the things I've done and how I haven't changed and onward it went..all the same stupid crap that we've been going on about for months, even years came up. 

And then WHAT does stupid me go and do after it all calms down? Sleep with him. :banghead: :slap: Yeah, I had to get my rocks off and it wasn't even fun or that good. I went home later that night and felt like SH*T!!  I was so peeved at myself for completely blowing my 180 and doing EXACTLY what he wanted. My daughter even warned me about it. She said JUST what you folks are saying here to AmIMad: That it was about him wanting to control me and I had been thinking like AmIMad. What did it get me? Nothing. 

Well..actually not so. I had an epiphany. Something DID change. I resolved to do better. I proved to myself that being nice-nice does NOT work. I found out for sure. I also figured out that I made a BIG mistake in not doing what I wanted and going to see a band that night instead of doing what my husband wanted me to do. Basically, doing what HE wanted pretty much sucked. I also resolved to NOT take my son over to his house again. That was over for me. If he wanted to see our son then it would be on him. 

So THIS past week I didn't even call him except when I needed him to pick up my son from school and that was a very pleasant, brief chat. I didn't see him at all. This past Friday, HE wound up calling me and we chatted nicely. He then said he'd come pick up my son last night and he NEVER showed. He hasn't called all weekend. I don't know what happened to him. 

A few weeks ago I would've run over to probably find him sleeping or drinking and we would've had a fight. I didn't even THINK of going over. I woke up and my daughter and I decided to go the mall. I asked my son if he'd like to come and he did. We had lunch and went to the mall and had a great day together. 

I did ask my son if he wanted to call his father and he said "What's the point?" Smart boy. I had nothing to do with that decision. He made it on his own. 

Tonight I'm going to see one of my favorite bands and tomorrow I'm going hiking with a new club that I joined. Life goes on if you let it. You don't NEED to be with the horrible husband! AmIMad, you aren't even giving yourself a chance. 

You are so hung up on this guy that you don't even even try to live life without him. It takes time and energy and WORK but it IS worth it and it doesn't mean you can't/won't get back together. What it DOES mean is that you can grow and change and be the kind of woman that demands and GETS respect. That isn't the case now. 

The thing is, just because I'm not having much contact with my husband (NO contact would impossible due to my situation with him with work and the kids) I'm not a beotch to him. I'm very pleasant. I had called him to pick my son up last Tuesday and he did. We had chatted about that situation and that was IT. Nothing else. This past Friday we chatted more about my son's being sick and his picking him up and that was it. Nothing else. But I was VERY nice. 

Who knows why he blew off my son? Maybe he didn't feel like driving but it's gonna be obvious to him one day that he's alone and that he's driven the people who once loved and cared about him away. He might not care or he might regret it and change but it's not something ANYONE BUT HIM can change. I've given up trying to figure it out or change him and that alone is a HUGE relief. 

You CAN'T change people. You can only learn to live with the situation. If you want to continue to be a doormat and hope for the best then continue on but you'll be stepping RIGHT BACK into the same situation. He'll go on abusing you and having affairs and doing as he pleases EVEN if you get back together. Why? BECAUSE HE CAN. He KNOWS he can because you've made it quite clear with your actions and words that it's OK. 

So you are digging a nice hole for yourself and jumping in. He doesn't even have to push you. It's pretty sad. 

It's interesting how the thread has split. You have people like myself, Bellringer, IndyNial, Jellybeans and WhereIAm who say that you have to do NC and pull back and look after yourself. Then you have the "conciliatory crowd" such as Vivea, Anx and DjF who seem to feel that you can work this out by continuing on..I don't know. I guess it's a matter of perspective. 

I do see that those who have made some gains towards reconciliation are more optimistic while those who say "NC is best, forget the rest" are headed towards a permanent separation/divorce. It's interesting. 

I think if you see no hope or want to be on your own you tend to think completely different then if you can't imagine life without your other half and are desperate for a reunion despite the cost, are willing to do WHATEVER it takes just to get back together. But at what price? To go back to the abuse and the affairs, the lying, the deceit, the controlling and the anger? 

I probably COULD get back with my husband if I did EXACTLY as he wanted. He's pretty much said that. He does still love me. But I never could be what he wanted and I'm not starting now. I LIKE where I am and where I'm going and now my life doesn't include him. The guy can't even pick up his son when he says he will and he was going on and on about how IMPORTANT it was that he see him! WHY do I want to go back to someone like that? 

Think about it..WHY do you want to go back to a guy who has done all these horrid things? Someone who pisses all over you? Who has had at least ONE affair and is talking about another. Someone who plays these games? Someone who blows off his kid's birthday and doesn't even care enough to treat you right when you are battling cancer? Someone who deliberately says hurtful things? Who has you on an emotional yo-you? You really want to go BACK to this? Just because you LOVE him? Because you've been with him since you were 15? 

Geez, when a pair of comfortable shoes that once looked great and fit perfectly start to smell badly, get holes and the soles are peeling off you drop them in the garbage and get a new pair.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

bellringer said:


> You dont have to be a ***** to go nc. believe me I tried being a ***** in the beginning, I am a happy person by nature so it was exhausting trying to be someone i am not, it took to much out of me. I instead just acted like myself, but wouldnt be there for him to walk all over. if he called and it was about my son we would talk about it and nothing else. He wasnt the center of my universe anymore, he was my sons father so, he didnt need to know where i was going all the time who i was with. you just need to move on like he isnt coming back and take care of your children and yourself. my son and I did everything alone while we were married so I continued to do those things with my son. like i said we were never home over the summer. and i think that is why my son hasnt changed by all this. when stbx left I picked myself up and said well hes gone its time to live our lives like without him, wasnt that hard cause he didnt come with us fishing, amusement parks, and so on. my family is great they have kids the same age as my son so we were always doing little vacations. and just going places and seeing my son happy made me forget all about stbx not being with us.


Wow! :smthumbup: It's like we are the same person. It was the same with me! My husband and I had separate lives for years. I got used to being without him, doing stuff separately. For a short time we did try and be a couple. I thought it was going well and we were having a great time! But he now claims it was all a sham and something that I've made up. 

So now we're separated and I've picked up where we left off and I'm doing stuff on my own and with my kids and having a great time. 

And yes, I'm NICE to my husband. I treat him with respect. When he fell down and hurt himself and called me in the middle of the night and asked me to come over I went right over. He went to court with me to be supportive. We are still friends. But I'm not chasing him anymore. I'm not begging for his love or company. I'm done with that. He's asked me what I'm doing and I'll tell him where I'm going and what I'm doing and he's welcome to come. He can show up or not show up..doesn't matter. 

It's like tonight. I mentioned I was going to a bar in town (once one of our favorite places to go) to see this band. He said "Maybe I"ll stop by". I said "Ok, you know where it is." That was it. 

You sound a lot like me. I suspect that you are going to LOVE having your own place and getting rid of that boat anchor of a husband.

You gotta love how he started changing light bulbs when he was supposed to leave with your son. :rofl: So his affair didn't work out and now he's alone, eh? Should've thought of that before he screwed around on you. Reality is a real beotch, eh? 

I have no pity for these losers.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Indy Nial said:


> Correct!
> 
> He is screwed up and the ONLY way you can help unscrew him is to do the 180 and enforce NC.
> 
> ...


You are in the UK. Go over AmIMad's house and take her out for a drink and shake some sense into her, will you?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> It's interesting how the thread has split. You have people like myself, Bellringer, IndyNial, Jellybeans and WhereIAm who say that you have to do NC and pull back and look after yourself. Then you have the "conciliatory crowd" such as Vivea, Anx and DjF who seem to feel that you can work this out by continuing on..I don't know. I guess it's a matter of perspective.
> 
> I do see that those who have made some gains towards reconciliation are more optimistic while those who say "NC is best, forget the rest" are headed towards a permanent separation/divorce. It's interesting.


Yes, very interesting indeed!

My feeling is that if someone won't and refuses to meet you halfway and tells you they are done, there is no point in wasting anymore time trying to "change" their mind. You can't make someone do anything. it hurts like hell but in the end, it takes TWO people who want to work TOGETHER to make it work. One person cannot do it all alone.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> You gotta love how he started changing light bulbs when he was supposed to leave with your son. :rofl: So his affair didn't work out and now he's alone, eh? Should've thought of that before he screwed around on you. Reality is a real beotch, eh?
> 
> I have no pity for these losers.




Hilarious about the lightbulbs! 180s work, you see?


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> My feeling is that if someone won't and refuses to meet you halfway and tells you they are done, there is no point in wasting anymore time trying to "change" their mind. You can't make someone do anything. it hurts like hell but in the end, it takes TWO people who want to work TOGETHER to make it work. One person cannot do it all alone.



:iagree: I agree 110%! Otherwise it's just banging your head against a wall. :banghead: And all that does is give you a headache!

Life is too short to waste your time on futile pursuits!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I think you're confused.. I DO NOT want to be a doormat, but I DO want my marriage to work, yes..

What I am proposing to do is, just be myself, he responds better to me being accomodating, not to the point he is walking into my house, making himself a drink and making himself at home.. No,if he comes over, he is a guest in my home, if he stays for dinner, he goes when the kids get ready for bed, he doesn't get to tuck them in... he gave up that right... so he's not getting everything he wants..

No, I'm saying if he is investing some time in asking to take us ALL out rather than just the kids, then there is some sort of hope, he doesn't have to do this, if he wants to cop off with someone else, why still take his wife out? I think my H, is struggling with his inner demons, I think he says, No I can't see us working because he is sh*t scared, he walked out and he f*cked up, hurt the people he loves the most and he doesn't know how to get through that... if he's asking to be with us, there must be something there, and if a woman was to start a proper relationship with him, she wouldn't be allowing him to pop over and have dinner with his ex wife and kids..? 

Like I said my H as Aspergers and depression, he goes into stages of self loathing, and already he has said he is not good enough for us, what a rubbish father he is.. well yes these past four months he has been a complete d*ck, a rubbish H and father.. I want him to see with a bit of work, he has a place in our family... right now he doesn't deserve one!

I'm not giving in completely, giving into his every whim, I am making myself more personable whislt doing the 180, being someone he enjoys being around.. BUT with NO conversations about us, or the past.. in hope that he see's a difference, that he see's (when with us) that things can be good and all is not lost...

My H and I didn't lead seperate lives, we got on, ok things obviously weren't great or he wouldn't have left.. I understand that.. But he hasn't gone ahead and filed, he does still contact me, he does still want to know what is happening with me, but I was stubborn and had a go at him, telling him not to bother.. and thats what he did as that's what I told him to do.. these little things give me a glimmer of hope, you may think I am completely stupid, I've proved to him I am not dependant on him, that through all of the sh*t I am going through I've done it in despite of him..

I don't intend calling him up all the time, asking how his day is, I am talking about when he sends me a msg, I will respond and be nice, rather than ignore everything, if he invites us out, then if it is suitable, I'll accept, and I will show him, that I am not bitter and twisted, he's never going to come back if I bring everything up every two minutes... ask him if he loves me etc...

Like this morning, if he isn't here by 10am, we are going without him, and that's his loss, I wont be waiting around for him, if our daughter is that important to him, he'll get here when he's supposed too.. I wont sl*g him off to the kids, they'll realise he's done it himself.. He didn't call them last night when he was supposed to, I text him and said he disappointed his kids, he said he was really sorry was stuck on the tube blah blah... I didn't grace it with a respose..

Do you understand where I am coming from? Not being a doormat, not being a *****, but letting my personality shine through when we are together, the sense of humour he fell in love with.. So yes it is the 180, but without the harsh NC law.. if I do this for a month or two and I see no change then I know, I am flogging a dead horse, but I DO want to work on my marriage and right now, he's convinced himself I am this evil wench.... but by being nice when we're around each other or talk on the phone (with out the R talk) then maybe he'll rethink?... 
This isn't BEGGING for his love, this is trying to envoke some emotion or memories as to why he fell for me in the first place... I can't force him to do anything.. but I know he thinks of me at times and that he misses me, that has to be a start...?


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

define your lines carefully, and stick to them consistently.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Well so far so good, we've survived the cinema trip & lunch out, he kept trying to catch my eye, was making jokes & even stole food off my plate.. I just don't understand him? He then said to the kids that thy were going back to Mummys house... I hate it when he does that! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> I think you're confused.. I DO NOT want to be a doormat, but I DO want my marriage to work, yes..


Going NC does not mean your marriage won't work. It means that your H will accept that you're able to live without him, that you will set boundaries for yourself, and that you're a strong person. It's possible that he'll not want to be with you, BUT THAT'S ALREADY HAPPENING! Right now you're letting him know that you're okay being cheated on, being left to deal with the children on your own, accepting that he doesn't have to support you during cancer, and are willing to be #2. He IS emotionally abusive and I think you've been dealing with it for so long that you refuse to see it. 




AmImad said:


> No, I'm saying if he is investing some time in asking to take us ALL out rather than just the kids, then there is some sort of hope, he doesn't have to do this, if he wants to cop off with someone else, why still take his wife out?


Because his wife has shown that he can have another woman and she'll still want him. He's selfish, pure and simple. 



AmImad said:


> Like I said my H as Aspergers and depression, *he goes into stages of self loathing, and already he has said he is not good enough for us, what a rubbish father he is.. *


Sometimes we call self-loathing "common sense." 




AmImad said:


> But he hasn't gone ahead and filed, he does still contact me, he does still want to know what is happening with me, but I was stubborn and had a go at him, telling him not to bother.. and thats what he did as that's what I told him to do.. these little things give me a glimmer of hope, you may think I am completely stupid, I've proved to him I am not dependant on him, that through all of the sh*t I am going through I've done it in despite of him..


He's continued contact with you to keep you in the picture. He's shown you that he's willing to leave his family for a female. He's also shown you that he'll come straight back if things don't work out. It sounds like you're okay being #2. 




AmImad said:


> Do you understand where I am coming from? Not being a doormat, not being a *****, but letting my personality shine through when we are together, the sense of humour he fell in love with.. So yes it is the 180, but without the harsh NC law..


It's clear that you haven't understood NC this entire time. Putting up boundaries is not *****y, nor is it harsh.

Hopefully you'll be able to pull yourself out of this cycle soon.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

:iagree: :iagree:

AmIMad, 

I think you got the 180 misunderstood. It's about YOU and dealing with your husband on equal terms..on YOUR terms and not being like a log floating down a river, subject to his whims, pleasures, temper tantrums and whatnot. 



AmImad said:


> BUT with NO conversations about us, or the past.. in hope that he see's a difference, that he see's (when with us) that things can be good and all is not lost...


:scratchhead:So when are you going to start because reading back on your past posts it seems that EVERY time you go and have a conversation with him (which you shouldn't be doing anyway) you are begging him to still love you, looking for reassurance, asking if he 'misses the kisses' , etc, etc. So when do you start on this? Not seeing it...

It's your life and you have to do what you think is best. Whatever you do I wish you the best of luck. I know how hard it is for you because emotional abuse sucks and it's easy to dismiss the signs because you WANT to much to be loved and accepted, for things to be good. 

In some ways your husband has treated you a lot worse than mine has, but then again, my husband is an alcoholic and that carries problems and a finality of it's own. Plus, you and I are just two very different people. I have no problem carrying on without my husband. I don't WANT him in my life the way he is. HE has to change and until he does I'm done accommodating him and I find that I CAN be civil and polite to him but I'm not begging for his love anymore. Those days are over. 

In the end, you have to do what you feel is right. It sounds like your day went very well and to be honest I probably would've done the same thing. When it comes to kids you have to put aside your difference and emotions and be good to one another. They deserve that. You did good. :smthumbup:


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> :iagree: :iagree:
> 
> AmIMad,
> 
> ...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Well so far so good, we've survived the cinema trip & lunch out, he kept trying to catch my eye, was making jokes & even stole food off my plate..* I just don't understand him? *He then said to the kids that thy were going back to Mummys house... I hate it when he does that!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He has already told you he is done and doesn't thi nk he loves you. 

I know that sounds harsh and it IS harsh to read but he's alredy stated his position to you. ALL YOU CAN DO is accept that. You can't fight someone on something like feelings or make them feela certain way. Think about a guy you have rejected before...and he kept coming back. Andn ynou were rolling your eyes and it was turning you off andn you were thinking, what a chump this dude is. Why? Because he could not respect the fact that you were'nt into him no mmatter how bad/mean he was to you. See? This is how your husband is right now. The more you try to convince him to stay/love you/be with you, the more he is running away. So he dangles a carrot in front of your face to see if you'll bite so it strokes his ego. It's all about him. Sorry but ti's true. And he only continues to do this because you are allowing him at this point. The more you hang with him and call him and contact him asking when he will come around, the more desperate it is making you look;. Get your dignity, woman. He isn't into you right now. Just disappear for awhile (besides co-parenting). He may come round, he may not.l But in the meantime he's already made his choice CRYSTAL clear to you. You deserve better. 

BE WITH SOMEONE WHO WANTS to BE WITH YOU. Nothing less.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> Going NC does not mean your marriage won't work. It means that your H will accept that you're able to live without him, that you will set boundaries for yourself, and that you're a strong person. It's possible that he'll not want to be with you, BUT THAT'S ALREADY HAPPENING! Right now you're letting him know that you're okay being cheated on, being left to deal with the children on your own, accepting that he doesn't have to support you during cancer, and are willing to be #2. He IS emotionally abusive and I think you've been dealing with it for so long that you refuse to see it.
> .


AWESOME post and I agree 100% with everything you said.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> He has already told you he is done and doesn't thi nk he loves you.


which could well be the roller coaster defense kicking in, happens all the time, something is said that they don't mean.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Sorry guys but I completely agree with AmI...I think NC makes you look like a Bit*ch....
I think she is doing great and she is showing another side of her to him and things might change.



> Right now you're letting him know that you're okay being cheated on, being left to deal with the children on your own, accepting that he doesn't have to support you during cancer, and are willing to be #2.


Don't agree with this!
She does not send a message that she is fine that he cheated on her ...her message is that she is willing to forgive and work on marriage.She will never be OK but she is willing to put it behind.
I think he is scared exactly of that,that she is constantly going to bring up that he effed up ...and he can't stand that.



> He IS emotionally abusive and I think you've been dealing with it for so long that you refuse to see it.


From what AmI tells us about HIM,he is an amazing guy,he is abusive at the moment because that is how he can cope with what he is doing.My H also did that.I don't count this against him,he never ever treated me badly in 10 years...not even a tiny bit...so i can not label him as an abusive person just because of these crazy 3-4 months.



> He has already told you he is done and doesn't thi nk he loves you.


My H. told me this numerous times too,he was so really convinced a few times as well that he wants divorce.
I stopped fighting him while back and I have to say it made a world of a difference.
Yesterday he came to bring daughter back ...in the middle of the night....i was out partying and told him to tell me when they approach so i can leave the party and meet them home...it was 3 am (i had a blast BTW:smthumbup .I was all dressed up...looked smoking hot  .
He saw me and his jaw dropped, kept staring at me and said numerous times that i look hot..he hugged me ,told me he is excited that we are getting back together,kissed me BUT i didn't allow him to kiss me the right way KWIM. You know...he can't eat the cake until... 
I asked him if he is scared,he said no I'm not i'm excited now.He even said that he'll start looking at houses in the next 2 weeks.
Anyways he left last night in the middle of the night back to SC .

Today he called me 2 times,complimented me again that i looked amazing last night and he keeps thinking about me ,i just said ""great,thank you" . Tonight he send me a message that he'll be looking for houses tomorrow....He is slowly getting his feelings back for me,i can tell big time....

So what i was trying to say that with the right effort and tactic,feelings can come back to a person.I was/am convinced that H. actually never lost his ,i could feel it...he was just confused...he lost himself.Sorry but I believe u can tell when someone doesn't love you.

Same with AMI...if she can feel that her H. still has it for her...it's worth the fight...things can turn around.


AmI ...Happy Bday to your precious little one. Hope all her dreams come true. 
Sending you positive energy for tomorrow babe ,fingers crossed it goes the way it's supposed to .I will be thinking of you tomorrow.
(((big beart HUGS)))


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

:iagree:


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

> I think NC makes you look like a Bit*ch....


I don't agree with this. First of all, you don't HAVE to cut off all communication. You don't HAVE to be a bit*ch. You can be civil and polite and pleasant. I chat amicably with my husband when I talk to him and see him. 

What I don't do is bring myself down and "discuss" things with him that are going to depress or anger me. I don't get down in the pit with him anymore. Tonight was a perfect example. He called me up spoiling for a confrontation and I didn't bite. Just the fact that HE called ME says something because for WEEKS he never called! I was very pleasant to him and said I am letting him dictate the way things are. He finally hung up on me in frustration. Ok, that's fine. My night wasn't ruined. But note, I didn't call him back or go over to his house and try and "fix" things..all stuff I would've done in the very recent past and THAT would've given him both the satisfaction that he has control over me and allowed him license to continue on with his abuse. THAT is what the 180 aims to stop. 

I'm done with that crap. I don't beg or plead or ask why he doesn't love me. I keep it friendly but distant. You don't HAVE to be a bit*ch. The 180 SAYS you shouldn't be nasty or cold or angry. It stresses to be the type of person your husband would want to be! My husband doesn't want me to be angry or confrontative and I'm NOT.. but he's thrown off balance by what I am now so he's having to deal with that. But that's not my problem. 

I think that's where things are progressing on two different paths here. I made that point earlier that one crowd interprets it one way and the other a different way. I guess it depends on your mindset, your situation and what your comfort zone is. 

I'm the type of person that tends to cut people who have wronged me out of their lives. I walk away from toxic people.If I didn't have kids and other factors in my life dictating that I deal with my husband he'd be gone right now. Completely persona non grata. I tend to be rather cynical when it comes to people and human nature. I don't think they can change much so you are stuck with what you got. 

But others try and work things out. They are more optimistic and hopeful. This alone says a lot. I think what we have here is a situation of each person having to do what's best for them. 

Obviously AmIMad isn't comfortable pulling back and taking a distant, harder approach. I have my doubts about how things will work out for her but I hate to say, I'm not neutral or objective in how I see her husband. I don't like adulterers. I don't like game players. I don't like people who are abusive to other people. I put him in all these categories. But I don't know or love the guy either. 

Vivea and Crank obviously see something in him that's different. I tend to think of you both as more optimistic, hopeful and yes, more softhearted. It's not a bad thing, but it's not the way I tend to roll. 

I've said my piece in my multitudes of posts. My situation is FAR different and I come from a different perspective. What I will do is wish AmImad the best of luck in whatever she decides or does. I hope, I pray that I don't have to tell you those words "I told you so."..or at least think them. 

So good luck and do what you feel is best. I'll hoping that things turn out the way you want them to.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Oh yes..GOOD LUCK tomorrow. I'll be praying for you! ray: Take it easy and know that we are thinking of you.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Freak i totally get what you're saying....
I have to say though i do not personally get involved in what kind of person Ami's husband is....the bottom line for me is that SHE wants him back...we obviously don't know the story in depth .If she thinks she can overcome his adultery than who are we to judge and tell her that she's better off without him.People reconcile over cheating every day .I personally don't think i can overcome something like that BUT that is ME.


The fact that he sees the NC as a form of her being a bit*ch is enough to make me believe that it is not the right way to approach him....at the moment.Don't forget that he has this condition and that makes things harder.

IDK but i do believe that she can try that if it makes her comfortable at the moment and than if it doesn't work a month or two from now she can always do the NC and i believe it'll be easier for her just because she will know that she showed him the NICE her and there is nothing more for her to do.

BTW freak...you'll be surprised but Believe me I don't take sh*t from people,i can be harsh when needed :FIREdevil:...you'll be surprised.:awink:
I'm a sweet person BUT if you cut me off in traffic I show a finger.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> which could well be the roller coaster defense kicking in, happens all the time, something is said that they don't mean.


Agreed.. I have certainly said things I don't mean, they come out on the heart of the moment and can't me taken back once out there..


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Agreed.. I have certainly said things I don't mean, they come out on the heart of the moment and can't me taken back once out there..


Exactly, some one once said (very recently) to me, "only believe 5% of what is said, the other 95% is defense talk, and not to be believed, it may not be lies, but..."


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> I don't agree with this. First of all, you don't HAVE to cut off all communication. You don't HAVE to be a bit*ch. You can be civil and polite and pleasant. I chat amicably with my husband when I talk to him and see him.
> 
> *That is ultimately what I am doing?!*
> 
> ...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

And thank you both, I am so scared about today  I'll post later xx


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

vivea said:


> Sorry guys but I completely agree with AmI...I think NC makes you look like a Bit*ch....


I'm really interested in why some of you see it this way. Please share!


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> So I did send him a text "Ok thanks for caring, bye, have a fabulous week"


I understand why you think you need to do what you're doing. I disagree with it wholeheartedly, but I understand. That said, if you're going to speak to him you should pay a little more attention to your communication.

Forgetting the fact that you said you would only talk about the children, the way you addressed the issue probably didn't make him see you in a positive light. Instead of being passive aggressive you should address issues forthright.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Well hospital went well, 3cm cancerous lump removed, and it hasn't attacked the chest wall,(samples were still taken) still have to have RT for the time being, but on the whole the news is better than it could have been, just very sore and very tired. Thank you all for your support!

After surgery, he called and asked how I was it was pleasant, until he texted and told me he'll be sorting out all his things, he's moving at the end of the month. He's done and there's nothing I can do or say.. I am breaking my heart.

Nothing I can do now, I pleaded my case, looks like im going to be getting divorced, I'm done trying to convince myself, if he can do this now, he doesn't care enough, me and my kids will be happy, I'll make sure of it. You're right Freak, maybe he has done me a favour. My friends fb status said *"When you stop chasing the wrong things, you give the right things a chance to catch you" - ?* I felt like it was directed at me..


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

WhereAmI...I see NC as a refusal...refusal can bring someone back but it can backfire...I think some people can read it as "bit*chy* because it's a form of refusal...you just never know with NC strategy. I also think if you go that route you have to try your hardest and show yourself in a new light to the person before that.
NC is pure and simple that NO CONTACT...what can be good about it other than Hoping that the other person is going to miss the past with you. Most people look at the recent past...if you have a lot of fighting in the resent past...good luck with them missing that.

As I said it could be a great thing for some people but for others can make things worse and close the door for good. I don;t think it's a good thing for people that have been fighting a lot prior separation,i think it's good for people where one spouse walks out unexpectedly with no apparent reason without fighting.
I hope i was able to explain well myself...


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

vivea said:


> WhereAmI...I see NC as a refusal...refusal can bring someone back but it can backfire...I think some people can read it as "bit*chy* because it's a form of refusal...you just never know with NC strategy. I also think if you go that route you have to try your hardest and show yourself in a new light to the person before that.
> NC is pure and simple that NO CONTACT...what can be good about it other than Hoping that the other person is going to miss the past with you. Most people look at the recent past...if you have a lot of fighting in the resent past...good luck with them missing that.
> 
> As I said it could be a great thing for some people but for others can make things worse and close the door for good. I don;t think it's a good thing for people that have been fighting a lot prior separation,i think it's good for people where one spouse walks out unexpectedly with no apparent reason without fighting.
> I hope i was able to explain well myself...


The only refusal I see with NC is the refusal to play games any longer. This is why people are often told to pick a go-to phrase in case the wayward spouse brings up the relationship. Saying, "I'd love to talk about this in MC" isn't a refusal, it's a boundary. You're telling the WS that while they're out living life however they choose, you will no longer pretend to be in a relationship. They've walked away, but they're expecting you to engage with them as though they haven't. 

I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree on NC.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

AmImad said:


> until he texted and told me he'll be sorting out all his things, he's moving at the end of the month. He's done and there's nothing I can do or say.. I am breaking my heart.
> 
> Nothing I can do now, I pleaded my case, looks like im going to be getting divorced, I'm done trying to convince myself, if he can do this now, he doesn't care enough, me and my kids will be happy, I'll make sure of it.
> 
> ...


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

AmI..i'm happy your surgery went great...what a relieve...
Big hugs about your H. ...so sorry he didn't get it  ...it's still not late for him.



> no nagging, crying, whining, begging, pleading, or arguing


That is the right strategy for me!


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

vivea said:


> NC is pure and simple that NO CONTACT...what can be good about it other than Hoping that the other person is going to miss the past with you. Most people look at the recent past...if you have a lot of fighting in the resent past...good luck with them missing that.


No contact at all is impossible if you have kids or financial ties with your husband. I guess I have "low contact." 

For me, it's not about my husband at all. He's beyond help. He's quite bonkers actually! :rofl: But dealing him emotionally stresses me out and aggravates me. I don't need that in my life so what the 180 does is give me a set of guidelines on how to deal with him. It works FOR ME because I'm constantly saying "Don't do this, don't do that, keep to the program" the entire conversation or time I spend with him. It's probably driving him nuts that I refuse to engage him in my usual emotional manner. 

For example, yesterday when he called he kept trying to bait me, saying "no one cares" and "why didn't I call to see what happened to me?" (this was AFTER he blew off picking up our son on Friday night and NEVER returned his calls or called us! Now I'M the bad person! :rofl:  :wtf 

At one time I would've gotten defensive and/or angry and argued with him, either telling him that it was HIS fault and he's horrible for blowing off our son or trying to defend myself. Either way it would be making him feel elevated and in control. But the 180 points me in the right direction... So instead I just said very calmly, "You really disappointed our son by not showing up, I figured you were taking a nap?" and then saying "Oh, I don't call you anymore. I don't want to be a bother to you because I know how much getting phone calls irritate you so I let you call the shots." 

He finally hung up, probably frustrated and irritated. I found it quite amusing. Haven't heard from him since. The fact that HE actually called ME says something right there because he almost never calls. 

When I talk to my H I'm only calm, rational and I talk about stuff like the weather, the kids, whether or not he's gotten around to fixing my son's computer..stuff like that. I'm actually very pleasant and cordial. What could he not like? I'll answer questions about what I'm doing but offer nothing else and I don't ask what he's doing (I already know what he's doing ). 

It works because I'm not tempted to start in asking him "loaded questions"..the why and how and what happened, etc, etc. 

To be honest, I'm not interested anymore. 

If I had my way I'd cut off contact entirely but the kids, finances, etc make it impossible right now. I am taking steps to minimalize it. For example, I'm looking into getting storage for my kayaking and camping gear and my car stuff so I can move it out of his house..that way there will be less reasons to go to his house and be aggravated. 

In many ways I'm starting to look at him like I used to look at my mother. He always hated when I compared him to my parents but it's amazing how eerily similar he is to them. 

I know this must be puzzling to those of you who can only think and dream of reconciliation. It's not there for me. One, with his drinking it's an impossible dream and two, it was SO miserable being with him at the very end that being away from is wonderful. I think deep down he's realizing this and that's why he is so angry and made that call. He can see the handwriting on the wall but is too screwed up to make the right moves. All he knows to do now is attack people and blame everyone else. It's never him. 

It's really sad. By the time he figures out what he should do it probably will be too late.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Well hospital went well, 3cm cancerous lump removed, and it hasn't attacked the chest wall,(samples were still taken) still have to have RT for the time being, but on the whole the news is better than it could have been, just very sore and very tired. Thank you all for your support!


:smthumbup:  First off! Congratulations! I'm glad to hear the procedure went well. Here's to a speedy recovery. Keep your head up! You've been doing GREAT through all this and should be proud. 



> After surgery, he called and asked how I was it was pleasant, until he texted and told me he'll be sorting out all his things, he's moving at the end of the month. He's done and there's nothing I can do or say.. I am breaking my heart.


It's a good thing that husband of yours is on the opposite side of the ocean because I'd really love to find him and rearrange his sorry as*s face! WHY did he have to go and do that NOW? Couldn't he have left well enough alone? 

"Oh, I'm so glad you survived your operation honey. BTW, since you still have your head on your shoulders how about I knock it off? "  Can't he just LAY OFF? Even for a day? He's always got SOME WAY of bringing you down. It just pisses me off! He really gets off on kicking you when you are down. Is he some sort of sadist? :scratchhead:



> Nothing I can do now, I pleaded my case, looks like im going to be getting divorced, I'm done trying to convince myself, if he can do this now, he doesn't care enough, me and my kids will be happy, I'll make sure of it. You're right Freak, maybe he has done me a favour.


I TOLD you that I didn't want to say THOSE words. 

I've said my piece. You know how I feel. Your path is your own now. But I'm glad that the day worked out well for you. In the end, that's what REALLY counts. 

I hope he walks in front of a really LARGE bus. What a D*ICK!!"


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Couldn't he have left well enough alone?


agreed.



> I hope he walks in front of a really LARGE bus. What a D*ICK!!"


what have you got against the poor bus driver ?


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Crankshaw said:


> what have you got against the poor bus driver ?


:rofl::iagree::lol:

That's true. I hope he falls off a VERY large cliff!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> :rofl::iagree::lol:
> 
> That's true. I hope he falls off a VERY large cliff!


thats better (Keep in mind I had a 16 year old run out in front of me when I was in the truck - bad bad bad experience!)


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Thanks all, I am so sore, tired and now emotionally spent. I have lost the fight, who knows, maybe taking this new attitude, I'll win the battle.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Thanks all, I am so sore, tired and now emotionally spent. I have lost the fight, who knows, maybe taking this new attitude, I'll win the battle.


you will, trust me


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> you will, trust me


He knows what I want, he knows I love him, I can't tell him any more, so now to just get on with living..


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Trust me, you are better off without him! :smthumbup:


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Ohh I think it might be mean that I laughed out loud, but he just contacted me on facebook and his clutch has gone on his car when he was going to work, I am praying Karma is coming around and things are gonna start to get crap for him...Also he can see all the comments on my recent pics on there, hope he gets jealous!!
Does that make me a bad person?


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

No, I wish my husband would drop dead a lot. I think THAT is evil. :rofl:It pisses me off that after all the crap he did to us he is now sitting home with a bank account full of money and taking the summer off, drinking and smoking his inheritance away. I guess it's poetic justice that he's so F*cked up he can't even enjoy it. At least when I spent money I enjoyed myself. 

Your husband is a jerk and anything bad that happens to jerk is poetic justice. I'd just gloat and enjoy it. I hope he was stuck by the side of the road like you were. Wouldn't it have been great if he had called you? Oh THAT would've been GOOD!!

If anyone deserved it, he did. Too bad his engine didn't catch on fire.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> No, I wish my husband would drop dead a lot. I think THAT is evil. :rofl:It pisses me off that after all the crap he did to us he is now sitting home with a bank account full of money and taking the summer off, drinking and smoking his inheritance away. I guess it's poetic justice that he's so F*cked up he can't even enjoy it. At least when I spent money I enjoyed myself.
> 
> Your husband is a jerk and anything bad that happens to jerk is poetic justice. I'd just gloat and enjoy it. I hope he was stuck by the side of the road like you were. Wouldn't it have been great if he had called you? Oh THAT would've been GOOD!!
> 
> If anyone deserved it, he did. Too bad his engine didn't catch on fire.



Yeah to be honest I have thought the same a few times, I am going through these love hate stages. My H earns a shed load of £ and can go off and do whatever he wants with it, the money I have goes on bills and the children, anything left and yeah I'll treat myself, he's bought himself a new wardrobe of clothes, I've had to get some bits as I've lost so much weight, then he noticed I had new shoes! 
I doesn't seem fair that he seems to get off scot free, he's happy, moving on. He's just said he's going to steal the pics off my fb page of his children... he'll probably delete me after that *shrugs*

He's chatted to me, briefly, I've been polite, answered his questions, but not been overly friendly. I am trying to keep emotions out of it. This is my first day, my first baby steps, am I doing the right thing? The thing that has pissed me off is he hasn't asked after his kids!


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

You can't worry about what he does with the kids anymore. That's HIS problem. You aren't his mother. Let him deal with the kids on his own terms and you do what's good for you and them. They will have to learn sooner than later what kind of father they have. You aren't doing them any favors trying to keep this from them because they will have to make decisions on their own about what kind of relationship they will have with their father. 

Keep your contact cordial, friendly, polite, but distant. Again, like the 180 says. 

Time to start thinking about support. Does he help you at ALL financially? It isn't fair that you should carry all the monetary weight while he just sails along seeing the kids, enjoying their company and not paying a dime in support. 

My husband does pay our health insurance, which comes to $1500/month..about $375 a week. I don't know if I'd get much more in child support than that. He has helped out with some other major expenses, like moving, buying my futon, paying to get my Jeep fixed etc. But nothing I can count on and I know that if I need any more money from him it'll be a fight. He thinks I deserve to do this because of my actions in the past, when he was the main wage earner. It's his way of getting payback. If I'm "nice" he will decide if I "deserve" anything. 

So, I pay for everything else:.the rent, the car insurance and gas, the bills, the food, the kid's lunch and medicine, the haircuts, the clothes, the allowances, etc. I'm starting to think that things are a bit inequitable here. Still mulling this over...:scratchhead: I get all sorts of advice on things and I am slowly trying to put things together as to what my next step will be and if it'll be worth the hassle, time and stress. 

The other day he talked about buying my daughter a car. She'll be driving in July and is working to save for a car. He was talking about buying a NEW car outright. Asked if I could put in $1000 and he'd pay the rest. I said I'd gladly do it but as we were talking about it I was skeptical because he's so moody and unreliable and right away he wants to assume control. The car will be in HIS name. HE will get insurance for it, etc, etc. I was willing to overlook this because my daughter having a new car would be a wonderful thing. This past Friday night we talked about going to do some car shopping on Saturday and he said "I'll call you and we'll make arrangements to get together."

Then he didn't even SHOW UP to pick up my son on Friday night after he called and said he'd "be right over". No word from him on Saturday either so I took the kids to the mall and went shopping for some clothes for them, got my son a hair cut and just went on with our day. Never heard from him, even though my son left several messages on his voicemail. 

On Sunday at 6pm he calls me and asked why I didn't call HIM? :wtf: Then says that since "no one cares" he's not going to spend the money on a new car for my daughter. Yeah, like he was going to do it anyway...

So punish my daughter for some perceived wrong on my part? Because for ONCE no one was calling him repeatedly and running over to see what was wrong with his sorry a*ss? Good thing I never even THOUGHT about telling her. Now THAT is evil!!

So yeah, I wish he'd drop dead.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Yes, he does give me maintenence, he's tried saying he wouldn't pay etc, thats when I said fine, I'll see him in court and he wont be seeing the kids... He then put £ in my account.

This is so hard, knowing he's just sat there at his pc and I could be talking to him, we always got on so well, same sense of humour etc, but I am ignoring him as best as I can, it's all been business talk.

Your H is an arse too, what is wrong with these men?! 

I wish I knew what was going through their thick skulls? My H is loving his single life right now, going out drinking with his mates, flirting, getting f*cked for all I know, with no nagging wife, or kids to pull him down. How can I ever compete with that?


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

NC is different when you have children and no one ever suggested she stop contacting him completely. I guess low contact is a better term if you want to get technical...


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> I doesn't seem fair that he seems to get off scot free, he's happy, moving on.


You've seen his mood swings. He's not happy at all. That much is clear.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> You've seen his mood swings. He's not happy at all. That much is clear.


But he wont let me help change that? SO what do I do, just keep moving forward without him? And let him lay in the bed he's made?

We've had a very brief conversation today 

H: Sorting bank stuff now
M:Thank you very much
H:My car is f*cked.
M:Why?
H:The clutch went on the way into work
M: :O oh..Can it be easily sorted?
H:I don't know. It's at the garage now.
M:Hopefully it will be ok then.
H:Fingers crossed. How are you feeling today?
M:Very sore, very sick and very tired.

15 mins later..

H:Sorry, work stuff kicked off. Need to make another call then will finally sort out the bank. Then I will steal your photos of my kids.
M:Ok.

I haven't spoken to him since and is this acceptable?


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> But he wont let me help change that? SO what do I do, just keep moving forward without him? And let him lay in the bed he's made?
> 
> We've had a very brief conversation today
> 
> ...


borderline, 
H:My car is f*cked.
Y.Like you.

ok, prob a bit nasty, but you get the idea, no need to be social


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Your H is an arse too, what is wrong with these men?!


mid life crisis ?



> I wish I knew what was going through their thick skulls? My H is loving his single life right now, going out drinking with his mates, flirting, getting f*cked for all I know, with no nagging wife, or kids to pull him down. How can I ever compete with that?


You can't, so don't try, simple as that, but like most issues surrounding what we are going thru, easy said, harder to do.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> But he wont let me help change that? SO what do I do, just keep moving forward without him? And let him lay in the bed he's made?
> 
> We've had a very brief conversation today
> 
> ...


Yes, just keep moving forward. 

Your conversation involved your finances and they're still intertwined (correct?) so I don't see a problem at all. He asked how you were and you answered briefly, also not a bad thing. I'm glad you didn't take the "my kids" bait. 

You're doing well. Continue with the short answers that get straight to the point and you're golden.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> He's chatted to me, briefly, I've been polite, answered his questions, but not been overly friendly. I am trying to keep emotions out of it. This is my first day, my first baby steps, am I doing the right thing?


baby steps is what you need to take.



> The thing that has pissed me off is he hasn't asked after his kids!


can't understand that, I send a txt to W most nights, just saying 'say goodnight to Dan & Jus for me, and give them my love, thanks' Don't know whether she does or not though.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> borderline,
> H:My car is f*cked.
> Y.Like you.
> 
> ok, prob a bit nasty, but you get the idea, no need to be social


I don't want to give him any more ammunition to hate me, the idea is for him to miss me lol


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> Yes, just keep moving forward.
> 
> Your conversation involved your finances and they're still intertwined (correct?) so I don't see a problem at all. He asked how you were and you answered briefly, also not a bad thing. I'm glad you didn't take the "my kids" bait.
> 
> You're doing well. Continue with the short answers that get straight to the point and you're golden.


He was transferring maintenence into my account, he just sent another msg saying it was all sorted, so I just said thank you very much.

I did think about the 'my' kids thing, but didn't rise to it  I am trying very hard to control emotions...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Quick question, I've decided that I am going to apply for some part time jobs, now I am starting to feel positive about my illness and such, should I tell him, or just go about it and let him find out through other means? x


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Quick question, I've decided that I am going to apply for some part time jobs, now I am starting to feel positive about my illness and such, should I tell him, or just go about it and let him find out through other means? x


You don't need to involve him.

It's better for him to find out through someone else that you're taking steps to better yourself or move on. He'll see that you're doing things for you and no one else. 

If you've worked out child support you should let him know once you have a job so CS can be renegotiated. You don't want to appear deceitful.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Quick question, I've decided that I am going to apply for some part time jobs, now I am starting to feel positive about my illness and such, should I tell him, or just go about it and let him find out through other means? x


There is no need for him to know. 

Took me ages to catch up on here. I am glad the surgery is over & things look good. Hopefully the samples will be good. 

You should be proud of yourself - you have been through so much. Give yourself a pat on the back girl


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Thanks Babyheart.

H is moaning at me for having pics of myself on Facebook, saying it's weird.. coz I uploaded 3 pics of myself...
What the f*ck does it matter to him?? I just said why are you so interested or bothered? He just said he was interested?!
Im not rising to it!

Seriously what is his problem, I didn't remember and he said "Good talk"...


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Thanks Babyheart.
> 
> H is moaning at me for having pics of myself on Facebook, saying it's weird.. coz I uploaded 3 pics of myself...
> What the f*ck does it matter to him?? I just said why are you so interested or bothered? He just said he was interested?!
> ...


One of the things you need to work towards is identifying when he's trying to control you and/or manipulate your emotions.

This was one of those cases. If you're taking baby steps I think the next few times he exhibits these behaviors, a short non-emotional response would be best. When you're asking him questions you're letting him know in a subtle way that what he wants/thinks matters. At this point, life is supposed to be about you.

If you want to cut straight to the chase (which I think may be better after your initial detox of H) then you wouldn't respond to his question at all.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> One of the things you need to work towards is identifying when he's trying to control you and/or manipulate your emotions.
> 
> This was one of those cases. If you're taking baby steps I think the next few times he exhibits these behaviors, a short non-emotional response would be best. When you're asking him questions you're letting him know in a subtle way that what he wants/thinks matters. At this point, life is supposed to be about you.
> 
> If you want to cut straight to the chase (which I think may be better after your initial detox of H) then you wouldn't respond to his question at all.


I think he was trying to get a rise out of me, and yeah it pissed me off, but I didn't vent off to him. I just asked him why he was bothered or interested, thats it. I then told him that our eldest just kicked off. I changed the subject. What I do is none of his business, it's not like my pics are pornographic! Yeah maybe I wanted an ego boost, seeing as he's knocked me back, maybe he doesn't like that people have shown an interest?! But what difference does it make to him, he doesn't want me!


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

When he says something like that to you just say "oh really"

NOTHING else, then get on here. Think of us as your AA buddy - when you really want that drink & you know you shouldnt have it...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Babyheart said:


> When he says something like that to you just say "oh really"
> 
> NOTHING else, then get on here. Think of us as your AA buddy - when you really want that drink & you know you shouldnt have it...


I was so tempted to say, well actually you should see my new website, you said I should get a job I am now a camwh*re!!!! :smthumbup:

The b*astard too busy moaning about my pics, but didn't even bother to call his kids and say goodnight. I am not saying a word.. he should call, if he doesn't talk to them, then they know it's because he hasn't bothered.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

> you said I should get a job I am now a camwh*re!!!!


hahaha lol and i guarantee you he will be your 1st subscriber lol

this is really weird about the FB pics,,,what does he really care...why does he feel he has the right to even say something about it...


Awesome about the job AmI :smthumbup:


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

vivea said:


> hahaha lol and i guarantee you he will be your 1st subscriber lol
> 
> this is really weird about the FB pics,,,what does he really care...why does he feel he has the right to even say something about it...
> 
> ...


Well I very much doubt that but still!

What is his issue? He made it abundantly clear he doesn't want me yesterday, where I was actually trying to convince him we could have a better future, but he didn't want to know, I sent him a 'goodbye' kinda msg, telling him I do love him and why, and that I would be here for a while if he reconsiders. I didn't get a response I didn't expect too. But I was then nice thereafter.. rather than ignoring him.. But if he doesn't like my pictures, easy, don't look at them! I just don't understand it?! :scratchhead: he said he's not jealous before.. maybe he is? *shrugs*


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

What kind of pics are they..too sexy ?!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

vivea said:


> What kind of pics are they..too sexy ?!


No?? Well I dont think so, the one on my profile here and another 2? I have my parents on my facebook so I am going to hardly have saucy pics on there!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

vivea said:


> What kind of pics are they..too sexy ?!


na, not too sexy.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

well than ...what the heck...you can post pics of yourself all you want...would he have been bothered by it before when things were OK with you guys ?!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

vivea said:


> well than ...what the heck...you can post pics of yourself all you want...would he have been bothered by it before when things were OK with you guys ?!



Nope never ever mentioned anything!!:scratchhead:


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Nope never ever mentioned anything!!:scratchhead:


jealous, doesn't want, but doesn't want anyone else to have.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

:iagree:

I think the best thing you can do is follow the advice of LC with him. You have not realized yet that you are an abuse victim.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Babyheart said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I think the best thing you can do is follow the advice of LC with him. You have not realized yet that you are an abuse victim.


It is very hard to stick to NC (or in AIM & my and others case, LC) when you love the heck out of your former partner


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Your H is an arse too, what is wrong with these men?!


He's an arse and an a*ss too!  



> I wish I knew what was going through their thick skulls?


My husband's problem is easily figured out. It's the tons of rum that he pours down his throat each day. Yep! That's it. It's f*cking up his brain big time. He wasn't perfect before but he was a decent guy. Now he's just real di*ck (to quote my daughter). I never thought his having money would make it worse but it did. The money he's inherited has made it worse. 

So it's the rum and the money. Both have turned him bad. 



> My H is loving his single life right now, going out drinking with his mates, flirting, getting f*cked for all I know, with no nagging wife, or kids to pull him down. How can I ever compete with that?


You don't compete..You go have a good time! 

The single life is MY life (except for the getting f*cked part and I'm not into flirting either)...but the other stuff..the single life, the drinking, with no nagging husband (my kids aren't a problem, as they are older and I enjoy them  )..That's me! :smthumbup: I go out to clubs, get together with friends and soon the season for the cool stuff I like to do is coming up. I LOVE IT!!

You gotta get with the program. No more pining away for scumbags..time to party down! :toast:


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> It is very hard to stick to NC (or in AIM & my and others case, LC) when you love the heck out of your former partner


Yes it is but you cannot allow somebody to keep on kicking you in the teeth. You gotta love yourself first. After all if you don't love yourself why should they?


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

AmImad said:


> We've had a very brief conversation today
> 
> H: Sorting bank stuff now
> M:Thank you very much
> ...


:smthumbup: Quite acceptable. It's exactly how I would've handled and pretty reminiscent of the conversations I have with my H. You talk about the mutual stuff (like kids, money arrangements, weather, if the car broke down, etc)

Oh and you ignore his quip about stealing the photos. You said "OK" which was fine. 



AmImad said:


> H is moaning at me for having pics of myself on Facebook, saying it's weird.. coz I uploaded 3 pics of myself...
> What the f*ck does it matter to him?? I just said why are you so interested or bothered? He just said he was interested?!
> Im not rising to it!


Personally I'd "defriend" his arse from FB. What do you need him there for? I'm not into the Facebook thing myself but I wouldn't want him poking around. If you choose to keep him there to keep the peace then just ignore what he says. 

Ignoring what he says will make a MUCH bigger impression than commenting back. I'm the Queen of ignoring things and people. Trust me on this.  He's looking to get a rise out of you. Don't rise to the bait. 

Me? I'm so bad. I woud've said something like "I saved the other pics for the dating website I'm on." :rofl:

You're doing GREAT. Keep it up!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Babyheart said:


> Yes it is but you cannot allow somebody to keep on kicking you in the teeth. You gotta love yourself first. After all if you don't love yourself why should they?


Baby, I understand completely, right now I would just love to call W and speak with her,tell her I love her, but thats not going to happen, I would love to send her a rose, show her I love her, but thats not going to happen either.

Just feeling a little low at the moment, thats all.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> Baby, I understand completely, right now I would just love to call W and speak with her,tell her I love her, but thats not going to happen, I would love to send her a rose, show her I love her, but thats not going to happen either.
> 
> Just feeling a little low at the moment, thats all.


I hear you there. Today is a good day for me but I'm sure I'll be hitting the blues soon enough. Keep your chin up, you deserve happiness. One day at a time my friend.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Babyheart said:


> I hear you there. Today is a good day for me but I'm sure I'll be hitting the blues soon enough. Keep your chin up, you deserve happiness. One day at a time my friend.


Yep, so many questions I would like to ask, just not going to happen.
I am glad you are having a much better day today, many more good days than bad days, and the bad days are no where near as bad as they were just a little while back


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

I do think it gets a little better every day. even when we have bad days, they are not as bad, or they are further apart. 

I actually stuck a note on my fridge that basically tells me how awesome I am. Seems to be helping me feel better. And hello I am pretty darn awesome


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

That post where somebody said to think of the spouse as an alien. I like that. My husband is not the man he was this time last year. I don't know this guy. My son said last night that he couldn't look into his fathers face because his eyes are like black holes. I agree - that man is not the person they knew as daddy & the man I knew as husband & father of my children. 

It is scary how they can change.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Babyheart said:


> I do think it gets a little better every day. even when we have bad days, they are not as bad, or they are further apart.
> 
> I actually stuck a note on my fridge that basically tells me how awesome I am. Seems to be helping me feel better. And hello I am pretty darn awesome


and you are awesome


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> :smthumbup: Quite acceptable. It's exactly how I would've handled and pretty reminiscent of the conversations I have with my H. You talk about the mutual stuff (like kids, money arrangements, weather, if the car broke down, etc)
> 
> Oh and you ignore his quip about stealing the photos. You said "OK" which was fine.
> 
> ...



Well added me today to get copies of our daughters bday pics, as I uploaded them from my phone and I couldn't email them, I didn't in a million years think he'd get funny over 3 new pictures! He's seen all the others?!

I was so tempted to get arsey, like I said he told me to get a job... lmao.. but I didn't rise to it!


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

Freak. were so much alike, I think were further along than everyone else on here so it makes it easier to get ****y with them. my stbx called today and was *****ing about some reciept I had it I told him its here and said goodbye. he called 10 minutes later telling me sorry for *****ing, he was having a bad week, I just said yeah well welcome to my world, I was supose to start moving today and ended up monday at the doctors and the doctor sent me for an emergency mri, have a swollen bladder and colon, found out friday my cat has a tumor and cant cure it, so welcome to my f in world sweetheart. I told him I dont deserve to be talked to that way and I am not taking it, but he was all appoligetic. I wasnt mean, actually very matter of fact about it. I get the point across and he knew i wasnt taking his ****. and he then backed off. 

so of course my yr and a half has been sucky but I am managing, its a yr and a half and nothing has happened with the courts, everytime i go they postpone it, I just want it over with, I got so pissed last time we went and sat in the hall for 2 hours and never seen a judge, i said to my lawyer i only have one cute outfit left so next date better be the trial. now I cant even pack and move cause i cant lift anything. I cant wait till its over. 

last night 8pm he called our son to say goodnight and then asked son to put me on the phone, he seen i had corned beef in the frig while he was here watching son while i was at the doctors, so he says is that meat gonna be good tomorrow I said yes he said can i have it. unreal. then he says mabey i can come by now and eat it. of course he says ask andrew if he wants to eat with me, so he drives half an hour to eat my food, better enjoy it now he wont be doing it when we move. he always uses my son as an excuse. but you see how low or no contact gets them wondering and thinking of the things they gave up. he was here till 10pm i went to bed as I didnt feel good. actually had to call my son upstairs it was a school night. believe me once they get bored out there they tend to miss what they had. but i dont want him back cause he was bored.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Ignoring what he says will make a MUCH bigger impression than commenting back.


There is no greater way to get someone's attention than by silence.

It's sends a very clear message that you aren't into their BS anymore.

Defriend him on the FB.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

So.. he didn't call our children to say good night to them last night, he was still on facebook, but I didn't say a word to him about it.. if he doesn't call them then he is the one that is missing out..

I would like peoples views on the whole facebook thing, I mean yeah it's a way for him to contact me, but it's another way for me to ignore him and not jump every time he talks to me? But then he can see what's going on in my life to an extent.. I shall become more mysterious, and not give too much away..?

I decided yesterday to start doing things I wanted to do, I've lost weight, always loved the rockabilly/pin up clothing so bought myself some new threads  this is something I always said I would do, but now I am actually going to do it, he always said he would love to see me with more confidence, wearing things like this..

I am going to get a part time job when I am feeling well enough..he moaned about me not working.. but this is to give me some more independance, and to get me out of the house! I used to work in an investment bank in the city before I had children!! I guess I can understand how different I am now, to how I was then..

I want to start building up my own self confidence 

Also...I am meant to be going on a 'date' just out for dinner.. on Sat evening, I am in two minds as to whether I should go, 1) he's going out and doing what he wants as we're 'seperated' 2) he said he doesn't want me, so if I ever want to be with anyone else, go for it, he's not bothered 3) he's told me he might be seeing 'her' (if she exists) at some point this week 4) I don't want him to think I am sat there crying over him all the time...

OR 

1) Will it make him think I am moving on and he's justified in what he is doing 2) It will make him think crap.. she's moving on?!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> So.. he didn't call our children to say good night to them last night, he was still on facebook, but I didn't say a word to him about it.. if he doesn't call them then he is the one that is missing out..


I send a sms most night asking W to say good night to our boys, and give them my love



> I would like peoples views on the whole facebook thing, I mean yeah it's a way for him to contact me, but it's another way for me to ignore him and not jump every time he talks to me? But then he can see what's going on in my life to an extent.. I shall become more mysterious, and not give too much away..?


Fb isin't the problem, if you don't want him reading what you post you have a number of choices.
Unfriend him
Ban him from your page
make your standard post restricted so he can't see them

I personally don't bother, if there is a post I don't want W to see I simply restrict it from her


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome Wow this describes my H to a tee..

Hmm think you have to register so I'll copy and paste...

In my opinion, outside of infidelity, this is one of the toughest types of breakups to go through. It seemingly comes out of nowhere, seems to have no rhyme or reason behind it, and it can strike even the best of couples. In your 'run of the mill' break up, there's usually an identifiable reason or set of reasons that led to the split, such as personality conflicts, fighting, different life goals, etc. These breakups are also difficult, but I've always found them a bit easier to cope with because you can identify a cause to the effect. Not so with the grass is greener syndrome. It's like going through a root canal even though your teeth are perfectly healthy.

This syndrome usually tends to fall on women within the age range of 20-25 (it happens to men, too, but seems to be less often). It usually happens in a long term relationship (maybe two or more years) when the couple is about to make a much larger commitment to each other, such as an engagement or marriage. It's as if the mixture between the person's young age and the thought of making such a huge commitment almost makes them want to go on the relationship equivalent of the Amish's Rumspringa.

Some of the classic symptoms of this are as follows:

* Reasons for the break up are contradicting or sound like the dumper is grasping at straws for reasons. As if they are trying to convince themselves of it, too.
* Not much warning that something is going on before the actual break.
* An extreme change in lifestyle, such as suddenly starting to drink a lot, party a lot and hang around people they normally wouldn't.
* Wishy-washiness on the part of the dumper. They love you, but aren't IN love with you. They say that this doesn't mean you two are over forever and maybe someday down the road you'll be together again. At the same time, they'll tell you to move on.
* Quickly entering new relationships with people they aren't very compatible with.


One of the biggest problems with these sorts of breakups is that the dumpee will be more likely to want to stick around in the dumpers life. Due to the dumper's extreme mixed signals and the fact that they'll try harder than usual to keep the dumpee around as a friend, the dumpee will make all sorts of excuses to stay around. They'll say things such as "She's just confused, so we're going to remain friends and see what happens". These sorts of breakups need to be treated like any other kind of breakup. Give the dumper as much space as possible and gracefully bow out of their life.

The thing to keep in mind is that in these sorts of breakups, the dumpers themselves don't have any sort of answers to give. They're usually just as confused about the situation as the dumpee. This often adds more pain to the dumpee because they're just looking for some sort of reason as to why they're being hurt so badly and get completely frustrated when the dumper can't give them one. They think the dumper may be acting cruel or like the dumper is hiding something from them. This is usually not the case. The dumper isn't giving any answers because they don't have them.

Now for the good news. If the dumpee does completely exit the dumpers life and resist the temptation to remain friends, the chance that the opportunity for reconciliation will arise is actually quite good. If the relationship was a good one, the dumper will find out eventually that the grass isn't greener, it's just different grass and may even be a little worse than the pastures they left. However, that doesn't mean that a reconciliation will happen. Due to the hurtfulness of this type of breakup, the dumpee will most often refuse the offer for reconciliation when it eventually comes up (which can be months or over a year down the line). Since the breakup happened out of nowhere and for no real good reason, it can be difficult for most people to get the trust back in the relationship. The fear that they'll suddenly be dumped out of nowhere will hinder the relationship from developing into anything. This is why I said the "opportunity" for reconciliation is a lot higher and not that actual reconciliations are common for these types of breakups.

So, my heart goes out to all of you enduring this particular type of breakup. Just remember, it's not your fault and it's not the dumper's fault, either. It's just due to human nature and unfortunate sets of circumstances. No amount of picking your ex's brain will result in any sort of meaningful answers to the questions that plague you. Just remember that this is a phase and it doesn't last forever. So, as long as your ex is in this phase, all you can do is go about living your own life and making yourself a better person.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> There is no greater way to get someone's attention than by silence.
> 
> It's sends a very clear message that you aren't into their BS anymore.


Well..I must be sending a pretty clear message to my H. Haven't seen him in 10 days or talked to him since Sunday when he called ME to give me sh*t about not calling HIM after he blew off our son this weekend. :wtf: 

Yeah, I want him in my life. :rofl: 

Yesterday my son called him and read him the riot act (Good for him!). He commented how fast my husband answered the phone! I guess my son is going to have another go for THIS Friday. We'll see if my husband has learned anything. 

Maybe things are getting pretty lonely on his end. Who knows? If he calls me to "chat" then I'll know a corner might be turned but nothing will change until he admits his drinking is the problem and goes about changing that I think there's a great chance of Hell freezing over...


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

AmImad said:


> I would like peoples views on the whole facebook thing, I mean yeah it's a way for him to contact me, but it's another way for me to ignore him and not jump every time he talks to me? But then he can see what's going on in my life to an extent.. I shall become more mysterious, and not give too much away..?


IMO you are still weak when it comes to him. Having him on your FB is a temptation and could be another avenue for him to aggravate and bait you. I'd take him off. If he questions it (he probably would) then I'd say simply that you are more comfortable that he be off your FB. THAT would send quite a message! 



> I am going to get a part time job when I am feeling well enough..he moaned about me not working.. but this is to give me some more independance, and to get me out of the house! I used to work in an investment bank in the city before I had children!! I guess I can understand how different I am now, to how I was then..
> 
> I want to start building up my own self confidence


After all you've been through I can't believe he has the nerve to tell you to work! Then again, after all the stunts he's pulled I'm not surprised. He's such a di*ck. 

Working wouldn't be a bad thing though. Work is what saved me when I first separated. Then it got a little "much" but having to tend to the business after my husband nearly destroyed it with his antics distracted me from my emotional upheaval and kept me going. It still keeps me going. But I do feel a sense of satisfaction that I'm keeping the household running and getting more independent. I'll feel better when my savings account is fatter. 

So I'd say go for it. It'll keep your mind off him. You won't feel the need to connect with him, call him and you'll make friends and get out. Plus have some money! It's all good. Just don't over do it. 



> Also...I am meant to be going on a 'date' just out for dinner.. on Sat evening, I am in two minds as to whether I should go, 1) he's going out and doing what he wants as we're 'seperated' 2) he said he doesn't want me, so if I ever want to be with anyone else, go for it, he's not bothered 3) he's told me he might be seeing 'her' (if she exists) at some point this week 4) I don't want him to think I am sat there crying over him all the time...
> 
> OR
> 
> 1) Will it make him think I am moving on and he's justified in what he is doing 2) It will make him think crap.. she's moving on?!



Don't play games and do things to get back at or make an impression on your H. Do it because you want to. Game playing is high school melodrama. Don't go there. Stop second guessing and trying to figure out what HE thinks. Who the f*ck cares what he thinks? It's time to move on and stop looking at your life as a chess game where you sit and contemplate how every thing you do is a move to defeat your opponent (your husband). 

Personally I think it's WAY too early for you to think about relationship with another man. Dating when you are on the rebound = disaster...and boy are you on the rebound! It'll make you feel like crap and it's not fair to whomever it is you are dating. 

If I recall correctly, your husband was your first boyfriend so this is all new to you. Take it slow..real slow. I'd use this time to focus on yourself (like buying clothes is a good start, joining a club, hobbies, etc). It doesn't hurt to socialize with male friends, especially when you consider the crap he's pulled, you have the right to do just that but be very careful!

If you think this person is someone who you are comfortable with and will have fun with then go ahead. Heck, I have friends that I see and enjoy being with but my vibes clearly say "not interested" when it comes to dating. However, I've been dealing with guys as friends for years. If this is something that's new and different for you then make sure you don't come off as "available". Keep it friendly, but not too friendly. 

I'm a big believer in waiting at least a year after the separation is a done deal to start dating. Some disagree, some agree. It depends. Since you are so new and vulnerable at this point I'd be very careful. Just the way you are phrasing things and asking this question throws up a warning signal in my mind. 

Now's the time to distance yourself from your H and establish the parameters in which you will deal with him and tend to your own personal needs and your kids. Just enjoy some quiet, stress free time! There's something to be said for curling up with a good book or taking a walk or just seeing some friends..especially since you've been through so much lately.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Babyheart said:


> That post where somebody said to think of the spouse as an alien. I like that. My husband is not the man he was this time last year. I don't know this guy. My son said last night that he couldn't look into his fathers face because his eyes are like black holes. I agree - that man is not the person they knew as daddy & the man I knew as husband & father of my children.
> 
> It is scary how they can change.


Yes..that's how my husband is! When he goes "bad" his eyes almost glow! It's rather scary to see. 

I've said that he reminds me of Anakin Skywalker when he turned to the dark side and became Darth Vader. Lucky me, I'm Padme. 

This time last year I was with a fun, sexy, hard working guy who cared deeply about his family and liked to go out and have a good time and loved life. However it was about this time last year that the first signs were starting to come up. Kind of like those first weeds that pop up in a garden...

Even so, if someone had told me that a year later I'd be living on my own in an apartment and that my husband would be an alcoholic who doesn't work and blows off his family and does nothing but sit on a porch and drink and smoke I would've laughed. 

But after I stopped laughing I might've thought about it some more..


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

bellringer said:


> Freak. were so much alike, I think were further along than everyone else on here so it makes it easier to get ****y with them. my stbx called today and was *****ing about some reciept I had it I told him its here and said goodbye. he called 10 minutes later telling me sorry for *****ing, he was having a bad week, I just said yeah well welcome to my world, I was supose to start moving today and ended up monday at the doctors and the doctor sent me for an emergency mri, have a swollen bladder and colon, found out friday my cat has a tumor and cant cure it, so welcome to my f in world sweetheart. I told him I dont deserve to be talked to that way and I am not taking it, but he was all appoligetic. I wasnt mean, actually very matter of fact about it. I get the point across and he knew i wasnt taking his ****. and he then backed off.
> 
> so of course my yr and a half has been sucky but I am managing, its a yr and a half and nothing has happened with the courts, everytime i go they postpone it, I just want it over with, I got so pissed last time we went and sat in the hall for 2 hours and never seen a judge, i said to my lawyer i only have one cute outfit left so next date better be the trial. now I cant even pack and move cause i cant lift anything. I cant wait till its over.


My husband RARELY apologizes and NEVER would call to do so. So you got one on me!

I'm where I'm at for three reasons.

1. I've finally accepted reality and it's a harsh reality. The man is an alcoholic and I can't change or fix that so it's bang my head against the wall and get a headache :banghead: or move on. I chose the latter. I've always been practical that way. 

2. I like being single. Part of me always wanted this and now I have it so even if he fixed himself I don't know if I'd ever move in with him again. I don't think I could trust him. It was so hard to get out that now that I'm out I don't think I could go back. 

Just about every fight we had he'd threaten divorce (he still does that) or tell me to leave. I finally DID leave and I'm glad for it. :smthumbup:

3. For a good part of our marriage we were practically separated. I had a pretty separate life of my own from him and the same could be said for him. Then we had a short 2 year period where we tried to put it together. I thought it was going pretty well but according to him, that was all in my head. But now that we are separated it hasn't been hard to revert back. So even though the actual separation has only been 3.5 months I have about 18 years of living that way to draw from. Plus I don't mind doing stuff alone. I'm good at it. 

As for the divorce part. The whole getting a lawyer-going to court and paying for the privilege of doing so (not to mention money I'd lose from taking off work) is one thing that deters me from seeking a divorce. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. Right now, I think emotionally we're headed in that direction unless something changes on his end.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I would like peoples views on the whole facebook thing


Defriend him and/or close out your account. I know it sounds extreme but it will do you NO good stalking him over the internet. I call it "FB Stalking." It's going to make you feel worse checking up on him. 

I'm glad to hear you're getting a PT job. You need to do that for you and your kids, not anyone else. Start taking positive steps to do stuff in your life. 

IMO your husband is most definitely involved in an affair. They turn into completely different people when this happens. This is why it's so important for you to let him go. 
He is feeding you all this wishy-washy BS but steadfastly maintains he doesnt want to be with you. Always go with actions, not words. His actions show you his character and right now, he's gone. 



AmImad said:


> 1) Will it make him think I am moving on and he's justified in what he is doing 2) It will make him think crap.. she's moving on?!


I can assure you, IT WILL get his attention if you hang out with another man. But the point is not to do it just to get him thinking or jealous or anything, the point is to do it FOR YOU. If he asks what you did Fri night, you say, Oh I wen tout with my friend. Be mysterious. If he presses, you can say "Oh just a friend I know from class/work/hobby."

But again the point is to do it for YOU not for him.



AmImad said:


> "The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome Wow this describes my H to a tee..
> 
> Hmm think you have to register so I'll copy and paste...
> 
> ...



The bolded part--almost every person having an affair says ILYBINILWY. Fact.




AmImad said:


> These sorts of breakups need to be treated like any other kind of breakup. Give the dumper as much space as possible and gracefully bow out of their life.
> 
> The dumper isn't giving any answers because they don't have them.
> 
> ...


And this is exactly what we've been telling you, Mad--you need to retrieve with dignity. Accept that it's over and move on. When someone doesn't want something, you don't force it on them. When someone has one foot out the door, kindly open the door completely and let them go. It's like opening up a caged door. They are free. Sometimes that freedom isn't as fun as they thought it would be once they have it. Let go. See, what you have tried hasn't worked thus far so ti's time to try something new. 

NEVER beg someone to be with you. Ever.

If you do reconcile, he will see you as a woman with self-respect and dignity. Even if you don't reconcile, this will be best for you and your kids. 



Freak On a Leash said:


> Well..I must be sending a pretty clear message to my H. Haven't seen him in 10 days or talked to him since Sunday when he called ME to give me sh*t about not calling HIM after he blew off our son this weekend.


See? It works!


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> See? It works!


Jury is still out on that but I don't not talk to him/not see him to get him back or prove a point. I do it because he's a giant pain in the butt when I DO see him and it stresses me out. Not all the time but enough so that I get nervous stomach at the thought of sharing company of him. 

So I avoid him. If I eat chocolate and it makes me sick I don't go on eating it. The same is true of toxic people.  It's just a matter of practicality. Next time he calls I won't even answer the call. Most of the time he does that to me and to be honest, I would've preferred NOT talking to him last Sunday. He just pissed me off unnecessarily. He acted like such a total di*ck. 

If I were to just see him when he picked up our son and to get my stuff from his house and we were cordial and friendly that would be fine. I don't WANT him the way he is right now.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Jury is still out on that but I don't not talk to him/not see him to get him back or prove a point. .


Good, and that's the point. It's not to punish him, it's more to protect you. When someone won't work "with" you, you just let them work all alone. It's like with children, for example, they say they don't want something and start pouting and you take it away from them and then they suddenly are curious as to why you've taken it away from them and want to know why. It's reverse pscyhology at its finest.



Freak On a Leash said:


> I don't WANT him the way he is right now.


I like you


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> *First off I just want to say Freak I bloody love you *hugs* thanks for making me smile and helping to get my fat head around all of this crap that I am dealing with!! I get up in the morning and actually look forward to reading what you have to say... mainly because deep down I know that you are right...and that it confirms how I feel...*
> 
> 
> After all you've been through I can't believe he has the nerve to tell you to work! Then again, after all the stunts he's pulled I'm not surprised. He's such a di*ck.
> ...


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

AmI..what does the book say.In what way you were treated badly by him in the 15 years together.I'm asking because 1st .I haven't read it and 2nd . you've said that your H. treated you like a queen,that he was an amazing guy.
I'm curious..I wonder if I should read it too.


I know what you mean with you being jealous because he was socializing at work and you're home with the kids constantly.I was doing this for the last 7 years,it was nice to be able to stay at home with the kids but at the same time exhausting on all levels.I have to tell you that I know why ...i wasn't having any social life...now i'm alone with the kids BUT i do have a social life,i go out a lot...I'm able to go places by myself now and i love it.I love myself and the kids more,i regret that we never looked for a babysitter.

Since all this happened I feel changed ,nothing is the same...the way i think changed.I will not be the same person with H. now...don't know if he is going to like it or not BUT i will not be waiting at home like a puppy every day.I'm going to start my life NOW,looking after myself 1st ...start my business and become independent..i'm so motivated now...I love it.

You're doing great hunny,i can see a huge difference in your attitude and mood.I love seeing you like that. :smthumbup:


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

vivea said:


> I know what you mean with you being jealous because he was socializing at work and you're home with the kids constantly.I was doing this for the last 7 years,it was nice to be able to stay at home with the kids but at the same time exhausting on all levels.I have to tell you that I know why ...i wasn't having any social life...now i'm alone with the kids BUT i do have a social life,i go out a lot...I'm able to go places by myself now and i love it.I love myself and the kids more,i regret that we never looked for a babysitter.


funny, my W said very similar, sick of looking at the same 4 walls, wants to go out more, socialize more etc etc, guess what, the only thing changed is she is looking at 4 different walls now, I suppose thats my fault as well.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Vivea, 
At times he did treat me like a queen, but other times he was so very hard to live with, mainly due to his aspergers. 

Why Men Love *****es: From Doormat to Dreamgirl - A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship: Amazon.co.uk: Sherry Argov: Books There's a link to the book on amazon, it has a good review on there if you read it.

It's about Why men (not all men Mr Crank and DjF) take nice girls for granted, how men will respect us more when we stand up for yourselves, it's so easy to read too. 

Well you'll be glad to hear that I haven't contacted him today, but I posted some music videos on facebook (I do this quite often) and I posted this... YouTube - Mumford and Sons - Little Lion Man And said to Mr Crankypants  I feel Liam should be singing this to me..

An hour or so later I got this text message: "If it helps, which I'm not sure it does and I'm sure you'll use it against me soon enough, but Little Lion Man, yeah I think they wrote it for me"

HUUUUH how bloody weird is that.. I didn't post it for him, I just love it.. it is about that one person you've let slip away, even after they've hung around you for ages, giving you so many chances but you've been too foolish to see it then..

Another mind game? Probably.. I just replied "I love this song, and the band in general to be fair" he said about the album and I just said "Yeah they're playing in Hyde Park in June" that was the end of it... I wasn't going to be drawn into a what do you mean? Conversation all though I am sat thinking it and why would I use it against him?! I hope you're proud of me people! I didn't get suckered into the 'relationship talk' I told him the other day I was letting him go, and I am not going to fight him any more, and I've not said anything since! I think I should get a gold star or at least a cookie!

Any thoughts on why he would bother to send me a text saying that? He could have sat thinking about it.. why did he have to text and tell me?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Don't write him back. He's trying to get a reaction from you.

Oh wait. I see you replied back. STOP doing that!
He sent it because he's trying to bait you and you are taking it. NO MORE, MAD!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Don't write him back. He's trying to get a reaction from you.
> 
> Oh wait. I see you replied back. STOP doing that!
> He sent it because he's trying to bait you and you are taking it. NO MORE, MAD!


Awwwww come ooooon, cut me some slack! I did quite well considering my given track record, there was no feeling in my reply, I didn't question him.. surely that counts for summat  xx


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Don't write him back. He's trying to get a reaction from you.
> 
> Oh wait. I see you replied back. STOP doing that!
> He sent it because he's trying to bait you and you are taking it. NO MORE, MAD!


You're right, but I must say her responses were a lot better than in the past. She made it clear that it wasn't about him without being passive aggressive. This is a pretty big step for her. 

Ami, just to be clear, what are you choosing to do right now? It feels more like a 180 than NC, but I thought you said NC (or LC... whatever you want to call it). Do you not feel ready for NC? 

I'm really glad that you're reading that book. You've said a few things that made it clear he wasn't always treating you like a queen, even when things were supposedly good. Being able to see that is going to do wonders for your strength.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Alright....you did good...even though no reply would have been perfect !!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No sweat, Mad. It's HARD to go NC w/ someone you're used to speaking with all the time.

But the sooner you do this, the better for YOU. He likes to stroke his ego by knowing you're gonna reply back to him. It feeds it. Next time he says something unrelated to your child(ren), no response, mmmkay


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> You're right, but I must say her responses were a lot better than in the past. She made it clear that it wasn't about him without being passive aggressive. This is a pretty big step for her.
> 
> Ami, just to be clear, what are you choosing to do right now? It feels more like a 180 than NC, but I thought you said NC (or LC... whatever you want to call it). Do you not feel ready for NC?
> 
> I'm really glad that you're reading that book. You've said a few things that made it clear he wasn't always treating you like a queen, even when things were supposedly good. Being able to see that is going to do wonders for your strength.


Well I am really concentrating on the 180, for myself.. and we do kinda have limited contact to be fair, I hadn't spoken to him at all, then I got that text.. he hasn't even asked how I am feeling or anything. Oooh tell a lie he spoke to our 4 year old and she was upset and he asked what she had said.. but she said "I want you home Daddy, please come and stay with us" So I just said it doesn't matter and said "Bye" and hung up thats it.. I didn't want to tell him that.. 

We don't have any relationship talks, I've made my stand and I really feel strong enough to stick to it. I am being 'pleasant' I'm not saying "Hey how are you? Hows your day"... He called for the kids this evening and we missed his call.. he left a voicemail, my kids were dancing so I said they could call him back when the song finished.. how long is a song 4mins-ish?.. he called again before it finished.. and I let my daughter answer it, we didn't tell him why we didn't answer right away..

So I think I am doing a darn sight better, it's 3 days now, I haven't risen to anything, it's been all business talk.. Nothing else. He knows I love him, he knows I want my marriage to work, if he doesn't want it, what can I do? You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink right? 

So now working on myself, changing my self image a bit, now I can wear what I want.. becoming more independant..Getting strength..Knowledge is power x


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Ok... now I get another msg on FB saying: Sorry for being a d*ck about your pictures the other day I should have exercised a bit of diplomacy...

Errm ok... Do I just say, it's ok it didn't really bother me?


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

rome2012 said:


> Alright....you did good...even though no reply would have been perfect !!!


Hahaha thank you Sweety xx


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

On Advice from Mr Crank, I just said "It's fine"...


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Good response! :smthumbup: Just keep it short and sweet. Nothing else. 

Hmm..seems he's coming around a bit. That means you are doing great! But don't be lulled into a false sense of complacency. :nono:

Will reply to the other posts soon.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Good response! :smthumbup: Just keep it short and sweet. Nothing else.
> 
> Hmm..seems he's coming around a bit. That means you are doing great! But don't be lulled into a false sense of complacency. :nono:
> 
> Will reply to the other posts soon.


I know. I was shocked at the sort of apology....
Not reading into it.. he's trying to rope me in.... I'm a lovely woman that deserves better.. see.. im kinda believing it.. not crumbs.. I want the who damn bakery!!


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Nope..He hasn't changed. He's still playing games. Stick with the program..stay strong. You can do it! :smthumbup:

It's going to be a long journey. My gut says it might out work for you but not right away. 

You need to change the way he looks at you. The way he deals with you! It's rebuilding a house..First, you start with the foundation. This could take awhile but it's important. 

When you feel he's REALLY changed and you are feeling independent and really DO NOT need him THEN you can move on to phase 2. That's when I would insist on marriage counseling. 

But you need to break free first. 

This is what I myself am going for. I am breaking free of all the emotional BS I've gone through. I need to let the anger and hurt go and establish myself as my own person. Hopefully at some point my husband will figure it out and start to change himself. That means getting and staying sober and treating me with respect. If he does THEN I will insist on counseling. 

And no more "hanging out" and sleeping together. I'm not doing that crap anymore. If we "start over" I mean START OVER. We date and we attempt to rekindle what brought us together in the first place. No more sitting on the porch hoping and praying he'll throw me an emotional bone. 

If this doesn't happen and he falls down into the hole he's dug himself then it's all good because I'm STILL in the winner's circle and can move on from there. I won't need him to live my life well but if he's there then we can make a new start. 

That's how you have to approach. Work on yourself and become strong and THEN you can take him on. Get it?


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Nope..He hasn't changed. He's still playing games. Stick with the program..stay strong. You can do it! :smthumbup:
> 
> It's going to be a long journey. My gut says it might out work for you but not right away.
> 
> ...


Yes.. for once.. I really really do.. and today I haven't cried over him, I haven't been angry or upset, I haven't really thought about him...as such.. but today I read some of the book, I bought some dresses.. yesssss dresses, if you know me at all then you know the only dress I've ever worn in 15 years was my wedding dress.. up until I lost this weight! I've planned what I am going to do in the next few months, inc taking the kids camping..those plans didn't include him.. I am planning my future without him.. This is a new high for me.. if and only if he realises Im what he wants.. then he has to fit in with my plans not us into his... /flex


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Good, and that's the point. It's not to punish him, it's more to protect you. When someone won't work "with" you, you just let them work all alone.


EXACTLY!! :iagree: This is where I'm at with my husband. I won't tolerate his bad behavior anymore. When he acts like a jerk (like he did on the phone this past Sunday) I don't call or visit him and my plan is when I do talk to him I won't be saying much. 

Problem is I do have to go over there to get some of my stuff. I'm hoping that on Friday IF he shows up to pick up my son he'll at least be polite and nice. An apology would be nice but I won't be holding my breath on THAT miracle! 




> I like you


 I like you too! We think a lot a like!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

He is still trying to engage me in conversation.. about music... but still no biting.. I am feeling strong!


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Its great to read you are doing a lot better.



AmImad said:


> He is still trying to engage me in conversation.. about music... but still no biting.. I am feeling strong!


 Its a fine line. Its not bad to talk to him, but make him work for it just a little. Your the only one that knows all the details, and I'm sure you'll make the right calls.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

AmImad said:


> First off I just want to say Freak I bloody love you *hugs* thanks for making me smile and helping to get my fat head around all of this crap that I am dealing with!! I get up in the morning and actually look forward to reading what you have to say... mainly because deep down I know that you are right...and that it confirms how I feel...


Well,l thank you so much! *hug back*!  So you noticed a pattern to my posting? In the mornings (when I first post) I usually work out and then get the kids off to school and take a half hour to eat, have coffee and read some before heading out to work. Then it's off to work I go. Now I'm back! 

I'm glad to be of help when I can. Considering that my marriage is probably as bad, if not worse than yours I don't know if you should take my advice with more than a grain of salt because according to my husband I've done nothing but screw up for the past 25 years. 

But it's nice to be appreciated! I appreciate the feedback. Sometimes I can get a bit pushy and strident I know but my heart is in the right place. 




> Yeah, he basically made out that I spent all his money! Wah! I don't even have access to his bank account! Also it didn't matter that I was a stay at home Mum, chief cook and bottle washer! No... I was the lazy one.. That man never did one night feed EVER, I would be up with them all day, all night, cook, clean, laundry everything.. and for what?...


Well, that's where a job will do positive things for you! You'll have your OWN income and be able to call some shots! You won't be dependent on him for everything. You'll see how much better you'll feel just from this aspect. 

I will give my husband a thumbs up in the respect that when it came to helping raise the kids he was BETTER than I was when they were young. As one of our mutual friends noted back in January, we have literally switched places! Back when the kids were babies/toddlers I had my own "issues" (not drinking but mental stuff) and I just couldn't hack the whole being a full time mommy thing. It drove me NUTS. I couldn't stand the constant demands, the ball and chain of having the kids depend on me. Being home all the time drove me nuts! I just could NOT do it. 

He stepped in and not only did he work full time but he would a substantial portion of the child rearing. He would help take care of the kids when he got home from school. He would let sleep on weekends and watch the kids while I went off and did my own thing on the weekends and on vacations. He let me pursue my dreams. For almost 10 years he was indeed "Mr Mom". It's not something I say with pride. Yes, I did do some great things during those years but I'm paying a steep p[rice now because now he is using the rationale that he's entitled to be the way he is presently because of what I did all those years ago. 

As if "two wrongs make a right?" But that's what he believes. Payback's a bi*tch! 

To be honest, I'm amazed that my kids love me as much as they do but they always knew that I loved them to death..but loving being a mother? No, can't say that I did. I just don't think I was cut out for marriage and child rearing. In another lift time I would remain single but then I wouldn't have the kids, which would be a tragedy so it's a good thing that I can't live my life over. 

I do great with my kids NOW because I'm just a big kid myself and I relate very well to them. I love and respect them and they know it and reciprocate. I have two GREAT kids! :smthumbup:

Unlike a lot of parents I enjoy the company of my teenage kids and have no problems with them. I don't know if I could've done what I'm doing now 10 years ago when my kids were 6 and 3. My heart goes out to you gals who have young 'uns. 

Back around '03 I came *this close* to leaving my husband. The issue of custody would come up and I always thought that it was my husband who would have full custody. The idea of my raising the kids alone horrified me. But now, there was no question of what to do. I was told by social services that I was literally the only thing that stood between my kids and foster care and NO WAY was that happening. 

I can still remember looking at my kids soon after my husband left and saying "Not to worry, I'll work hard, get us out of this house and into a nice apartment. We'll start fresh!"... And I did it! 

In a moment of candor, back in August when my husband had just gotten out of rehab and things looked hopeful (back when he seemed grateful and said that I'd "saved his life" ) my husband told me he had real doubts about how I'd handle myself in the situation I'm in now. He thought that I'd walk. Even my daughter was surprised to see that I did the things I did. I wasn't surprised. I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago, despite my husband insisting that I "haven't changed at all". 

I wonder if he's still saying that. :scratchhead:



> Sometimes I would be very jealous of him going out to work and socialising with other people when I was almost a hermit, I suppose I did rely on him for a lot, I didn't drive at the time and he hated food shopping and we'd have to go at the weekend, when he could be sat on the PC ignoring us all..I am so glad I past my test a month before he left!!


Well, it's not with pride that I say this..But I was in that role myself. I was never keen on having kids, sad to say. I could've easily NOT had them. Had I known what was involved I probably wouldn't have. 

My husband says that "because he loved me" he stepped in and raised them and let me do as I pleased. Maybe so. He also was a decent man who loved his kids. Regardless of the reason he let me "do my thing" in relative peace. Back before we started our family we were living separate lives. Basically THAT was his doing. When we got married and were in the service we were indeed a couple and did everything together.

Then we moved back to our home and he "rediscovered" his friends. Suddenly it was about "playing with the boys". I felt like a discarded toy. When I gave him a hard time about his feeling the need to play D&D, poker, go fishing and fly his RC model airplanes with his buddies he said to me "I'm not your social director, go get a life".

Well...WRONG thing to say! I bought a hot red Mustang GT convertible and got into cars (I'd always been into motorsports). I started showing and racing them and then traveling all around, joined clubs, made friends..and got sucked in big time. Thus began 10 years of "living my own life"..and I wasn't giving it up when we had kids. I took GREAT pride in this! If he had anything to say or protested I gave him a huge "F-U". I remember thinking more than once "You created this monster Dr. Frankenstein so LIVE with it!"

He wanted a family and I gave him one but I wasn't giving anything up as a result. I stayed home with the kids during the week but on weekends I got my day off and we took separate vacations and I felt entitled to do so. Was I? Well, in hindsight,..I'm glad was able to do some really cool, kicka*ss things but it wasn't right to do so..not when you are are married and have a family. But I did it anyway and THAT is what my husband uses as a club to beat me up with NOW when I bring up to him what he's doing...

"Well, you had your cars and bought expensive parts for them, went racing at NASCAR tracks, took vacations, traveled all over, etc, etc, etc..while I stayed home and worked and raised the kids so I can do what I'm doing now!!"

Well..Ok..but what he's doing now (sitting on the porch in 20 degree weather and drinking and smoking before passing out)..doesn't look NEARLY as fun as what I did! :rofl:

The sad part is, that 21 years ago I was RIGHT where I was a few months ago. I was BEGGING him to spend time with me! We were newly married and I was shocked and amazed that he didn't want to be with me. Once, for the briefest moment when we sat down 2 years ago and "reconciled" he admitted that he was the one at fault for all that happened. That he had been a "bad husband"..but he quickly retracted that as time went on. Better to blame someone else than accept blame. 

There's the biggest difference between my husband and I. I look back and feel deep regret about what I did. I'm glad I did it because it WAS a blast, but it was the wrong thing to do. I freely admit that and have worked very hard the past 5 years to fix things. I don't know if or when it might change on his end, but right now he has NO shame or regrets about anything he's done. None at all. As far as he is concerned, it's all on me because of what I did 10-15 years ago. 

So now I'm right where I was before, back in 1990..No more pleading or begging. No more crying.. I've given up trying to put Humpty Dumpty together again. Now I'm looking out for myself! But the BIGGEST change is that it's not JUST myself. I got my kids. NO way would I walk away from them! 

But I couldn't always point to myself with pride and say that. Sad but true. 

So I can't say the same things as you and Vivea, Babyheart and a lot of the other mothers here who have young children they are raising alone and going through hell doing it. I don't envy you but I do respect and admire you. You are there for your kids, even though it's hard and a real uphill battlel! God Bless you all! :smthumbup:


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

AmImad said:


> I am almost 31, I have 3 amazing kids that I soley look after, I am dealing with so much but here I still am.. WITHOUT him, I am doing this WITHOUT him..


:smthumbup: 31..so young! I didn't have my first kid until I was 31! You have your WHOLE life ahead of you! When you are my age they will probably be leaving the nest. Think of all the incredible things you can do! I don't feel old at all. I'm in great shape! Probably the best I've been in my life mentally and physically (ok, a few more wrinkles.. ) but you have SO much to look forward to and be proud of. 

I know how you feel too! I have two wonderful kids..they are AWESOME! Alone I picked up the pieces and put them together and I support them. Got this apartment, own my business, am going to help my daughter buy a car. I consider myself very lucky to have been able to do what I did. 

My husband hated and despised that I steadfastly refused to compromise, wouldn't give him my money and held control onto our business. Perhaps it was selfish and bred resentful on his part but in the end it saved me and my kids because he let us down big time. He always told me I was a loser, a failure, a selfish, spoiled bi*tch who couldn't stand on her own two feet. Well I showed his sorry a*ss!! 

You're gonna do it too! I know you will! :smthumbup:



> Freak, I don't want a relationship, I am still hung up on my H


Good that you recognize this. I don't want a relationship because I'm still RECOVERING from my H. :rofl: I guess it's the same thing in the end. 



> I have been a doormat..and I AM WRONG for letting him treat me this way for such a long time. Do you know what Ladles and Jellyspoons, I am an attractive woman, I have a nice personality, most people that meet me don't forget me in a hurry (Not sure if thats a good thing or bad lol) but I need to convince myself that I do not deserve this.. if he sees me getting on with my life, and I am happy and wants to be part of my life.. then he is the one that needs to work on us.. HE walked out, he threw this away.. His loss...


Lead..follow..or get the FU*CK outta my way! :gun:

One thing I think a lot of us share is that in some way we've been abused or have allowed ourselves to be walked on. I see a LOT of people who have suffered some real emotional, mental abuse on this board at the hands of their SO.

I myself have the scars on my legs and wrists that I put there myself because of the guilt and pain that I felt..Often, when my husband would lay into me I would imagine that the blood would be running down through out my body from the wounds in my heart. Kinda weird, eh?


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Yes.. for once.. I really really do.. and today I haven't cried over him, I haven't been angry or upset, I haven't really thought about him...as such.. but today I read some of the book, I bought some dresses.. yesssss dresses, if you know me at all then you know the only dress I've ever worn in 15 years was my wedding dress.. up until I lost this weight! I've planned what I am going to do in the next few months, inc taking the kids camping..those plans didn't include him.. I am planning my future without him.. This is a new high for me.. if and only if he realises Im what he wants.. then he has to fit in with my plans not us into his... /flex


Feeling good physically is important. I lost a TON of weight even before we separated but it went full swing afterwards. I work out every day for an hour and watch my weight. I'm down to size 3..and still have stuff taken in. That's from a size 14 two years ago! And I bought myself a whole new wardrobe..which is another thing my husband harassed me about even though HE was the one who told me to do so!

Ever try and wear size 14 jeans when you are size 3? It's not possible! :rofl:

:smthumbup: to you AmImad! Keep up the good work. The days and times you spend crying will become less and less frequent..I promise you that.

I used to RUN over to see what was up with my husband if he didn't answer my phone calls..and I'd call him all the time! 

I obsessed and pleaded and begged too! NOW..I don't. When they've smacked you around emotionally time and time again at first you are dazed and confused. But then you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and figure out a game plan and get CONTROL!!

Soon, you'll find happiness and contentment.  It's there waiting for you.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> On Advice from Mr Crank, I just said "It's fine"...


Mr Crank, has a ring of authority to it, right, yes, errr, people, back me up here !!!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> Mr Crank, has a ring of authority to it, right, yes, errr, people, back me up here !!!


I love how you skim over Crankypants


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Is that like squarepants? :rofl:


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I love how you skim over Crankypants


xxx



Freak On a Leash said:


> Is that like squarepants? :rofl:


not since I lost weight


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I call my Jeep "Spongebob, square Jeep" :rofl:


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> I call my Jeep "Spongebob, square Jeep" :rofl:


LOVE IT! Although Patrick is my fav hehe

Can I ask what you think of the text he sent about the song?..

It's really playing on my noodle and I am glad I didn't ask why he sent it, but it has crossed my mind!


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> So I can't say the same things as you and Vivea, Babyheart and a lot of the other mothers here who have young children they are raising alone and going through hell doing it. I don't envy you but I do respect and admire you. You are there for your kids, even though it's hard and a real uphill battlel! God Bless you all! :smthumbup:


I LOVE YOU!  HAHA thank you :smthumbup:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I bought some dresses.. yesssss dresses, if you know me at all then you know the only dress I've ever worn in 15 years was my wedding dress..


Awesome!!!! I am a dress kind of gal. They make the world go round. Wear one and do your hair and look fabulous!




Freak On a Leash said:


> _Freak, I don't want a relationship, I am still hung up on my H _
> 
> *Good that you recognize this. I don't want a relationship because I'm still RECOVERING from my H. I guess it's the same thing in the end. *


:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Mr Crank - or should we call you Mr Statham??


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Babyheart said:


> Mr Crank - or should we call you Mr Statham??


no need to be so formal, 'Your Royal Highness, Mr Crank' will be fine, or just Crank, whichever you feel more comfortable with 



> Can I ask what you think of the text he sent about the song?..


Trying to keep in with you, a control / scared thing.



> It's really playing on my noodle and I am glad I didn't ask why he sent it, but it has crossed my mind!


I am glad you didn't as well, a week ago you would have though 
Very proud of you girl, very proud.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Well I am really concentrating on the 180, for myself.. and we do kinda have limited contact to be fair, I hadn't spoken to him at all, then I got that text.. he hasn't even asked how I am feeling or anything. Oooh tell a lie he spoke to our 4 year old and she was upset and he asked what she had said.. but she said "I want you home Daddy, please come and stay with us" So I just said it doesn't matter and said "Bye" and hung up thats it.. I didn't want to tell him that..
> 
> We don't have any relationship talks, I've made my stand and I really feel strong enough to stick to it. I am being 'pleasant' I'm not saying "Hey how are you? Hows your day"... He called for the kids this evening and we missed his call.. he left a voicemail, my kids were dancing so I said they could call him back when the song finished.. how long is a song 4mins-ish?.. he called again before it finished.. and I let my daughter answer it, we didn't tell him why we didn't answer right away..
> 
> ...


:smthumbup: I think you are doing great. Just keep in mind that sometimes the most powerful statements are silent. In other words, by saying you nothing you have a far greater effect. 

You are in a tough position with such young children as this is really hard on them. You need to be strong for them. I'm impressed at how far you've come! I think you are turning that important corner of when YOU are calling the shots. 

I'm impressed at how you are handling the fact that you ARE in contact but you have kept your emotions reigned in. In a way I have it much easier because I've pretty much cut contact off and my husband doesn't call me at all. Unless I call him or go over to his house he doesn't exist. It makes it MUCH easier! The hardest times for me is when I actually see him. 

Just like being on a diet is much easier when there's no chocolate cake in the house.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Awesome!!!! I am a dress kind of gal. They make the world go round. Wear one and do your hair and look fabulous!


What's a dress?  :scratchhead: :rofl:

I think the last dress I wore was on my honeymoon...

I'm more of a jeans and uh..oh..funky shirt type of gal..preferably black. 

This is more my style..Actually I have a version of this coat..

Tripp | Brands

and a version of these as well..

http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/Brands/Tripp/Tripp-Black-Grommet-Lace-Up-Chain-Pants-259216.jsp

and I have these pants..

Bottoms | Clearance

Yeah, I'm nuts. :rofl: It's going to take a REAL open minded guy to hang with me. I already went for the drunk one and that didn't work out so good..


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Can I ask what you think of the text he sent about the song?..
> 
> It's really playing on my noodle and I am glad I didn't ask why he sent it, but it has crossed my mind!


I think you got him thinking. KEEP IT UP!! It's too soon to claim victory. This just the first salvo of bullets in a long battle in a long war..

:rofl: I definitely like the verse..

_but it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
I really f*ucked it up this time
didn't I, my dear?
didn't I, my dear?_

Rather applicable to my H as well..Funny how that works!

Well, I imagine you singing this to your H. 

YouTube - Bullet for my Valentine - Alone [Lyrics on screen]

I particularly LOVE this part..

_*No more I'm taking this hatred from you
You make me feel dead when I'm talking to you
You'll take me for granted when I'm not around
So burn all your bridges 'cause

I'm not going down 
This time I will be heard
I'm not gonna burn
It's funny how the table,
how the table turns

You fake god damnation
You pray for salvation
'cause your heart is made of stone
You can die and rot alone

I hope you're unhappy
and hurting inside
I want you to choke
when you swallow your pride
Lay in your coffin
and sleep with your sins
Give me the nails
and I'll hammer them in*_


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Freak...you're so funny.I love you too girl!
I also didn't have my 1st child until 31...well 4 days after a turned 31...not it makes me younger but I though she would hurry so I can have her while I was still 30 lol. 
We waited a whole 5 yrs before we had our 1st child.

AmI...I'm sure you're hot baby.Love when people don't drawn themselves in self pity . Keep doing what you're doing with LC ,sounds like he won't be able to take it for long.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> What's a dress?  :scratchhead: :rofl:
> 
> I think the last dress I wore was on my honeymoon...
> 
> ...


:waves: :smthumbup:

I'm just going to go do some weights now, ok.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

vivea said:


> Freak...you're so funny.I love you too girl!
> I also didn't have my 1st child until 31...well 4 days after a turned 31...not it makes me younger but I though she would hurry so I can have her while I was still 30 lol.
> We waited a whole 5 yrs before we had our 1st child.


Yeah, I waited 5 years too! 

Had the first at 31. Second at 34. Tubes tied at 37. 

Now I can fool around all I want! :smthumbup: :rofl:


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Crankshaw said:


> :waves: :smthumbup:
> 
> I'm just going to go do some weights now, ok.


I take it you like my style?  

My daughter likes my bullet belt. Yes, it's a belt with bullets. 

Belts | Accessories


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> I take it you like my style?


yep, so it is either go lift weights or a cold shower !



> My daughter likes my bullet belt. Yes, it's a belt with bullets.
> Belts | Accessories


My daughters partner has the exact (or very close to) belt, she wears it all the time.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I know all about exercising or taking cold showers.. :lol:

It's a fun belt! I like to dress kinda funky/kooky! Goes with the two toned hair. 

I can't help it if I like to dress like a 16 year old. Have to keep my kids amused ya know. Their friends love it too. :rofl:

How often do you get a 16 year old saying to a middle aged woman, "Damn, that coat is SICK!!"

They loved my black lace up jacket with the buckles at the collar that are handcuffs. I have matching earrings too! :smthumbup: My husband loved it too at one time. Back in October when I wore it with those black jeans I linked he couldn't keep his hands off me. Man, that seems like SO long ago!! 

I knew we were so over when back in January I showed up at his door after the Korn/Disturbed concert wearing that outfit at and he snapped at me for "not calling first". 

Beginning of the end..


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Freakm between you and AIM, I will be spending the rest of the week lifting weights !!!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

OMG Freak I used to dress exactly like that! I also used to wear tiny black skirts and dm boots... that's when I started going out with my H... Loooong time ago lol

This is one outfit I bought..

Nautical Nancy Striped Knitted Sailor Top from Rockabilly

Cherry Rockabilly Pin-Up Burlesque Wiggle Pencil Dress

ROCKABILLY 50s BLACK POLKA DOT SWING PROM DRESS 8-18 UK 18 on eBay (end time 20-Mar-11 19:36:07 GMT)

Im sure you get the idea.... love this, I can show of my tattoo's victory rolls in my hair.. and skyscraper heels.. I've got good legs for a fat burd  haha


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> :smthumbup:
> 
> I'm impressed at how you are handling the fact that you ARE in contact but you have kept your emotions reigned in. In a way I have it much easier because I've pretty much cut contact off and my husband doesn't call me at all. Unless I call him or go over to his house he doesn't exist. It makes it MUCH easier! The hardest times for me is when I actually see him.
> 
> Just like being on a diet is much easier when there's no chocolate cake in the house.



Last night I was laying here, I actually had the phone in my hand.. thinking about texting him and asking what he meant by his text.. BUT I didn't.. I thought.. "Do I REALLY need to know?" If he is having second thoughts, then he's going to let me know one way or another, I don't NEED to go anything.. What would it achieve? Yeah ok, it could have opened up and a good conversation could have taken place.. chances of that happening?.. SLIM to NONE... or I could have given away some of my newly aquired power... SO *gives herself a pat on the back* Girl did good.. Ok.. Not THAT good as I still 'Thought' about doing it.. :scratchhead:

All I can say is thank good I don't like Chocolate! hahaha

But yeah I struggle when I see him, especially when we get on really well and I want to take him by the shoulders and shake the chuff outta him and say "Look you Div, you love me, look how good we are!!! issed:" Yeah.. *sigh* a girl can dream.. Anyways I had my first baby at 22, then 23.. and then 27.. always wanted one more.. doubt that's ever gonna happen now ahh well I am very bless with the little buggers I have now!

Now most of you are all tucked up in your beds or very soon to be.. Sir Crankypants  I am feeling positive.. I am ready for today, I do wonder if I will get anything from him.. but guess what I am not counting on it!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

:allhail:



xx


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> :allhail:
> 
> 
> 
> xx


Hahah  Think I've turned a corner..!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Hahah  Think I've turned a corner..!


and proudly walking tall, down the road !


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Hahah  Think I've turned a corner..!


YOu sure have. Proud of you sweetie :smnotworthy:


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Last night I was laying here, I actually had the phone in my hand.. thinking about texting him and asking what he meant by his text.. BUT I didn't.. I thought.. "Do I REALLY need to know?" If he is having second thoughts, then he's going to let me know one way or another, I don't NEED to go anything.. What would it achieve? Yeah ok, it could have opened up and a good conversation could have taken place.. chances of that happening?.. SLIM to NONE... or I could have given away some of my newly aquired power... SO *gives herself a pat on the back* Girl did good.. Ok.. Not THAT good as I still 'Thought' about doing it.. :scratchhead:


Morning coffee post here..

You are doing GREAT! :smthumbup: You are THINKING. I went through (and am still doing so) this process. When I get tempted to call my husband or talk to him I think to myself "Do you REALLY want to do this? What will it achieve". Then I think of the consequences and how it will REALLY go, as opposed to how I WANT it to go. 

It's the division of fantasy from reality.  Accepting reality it is part of moving on. You are indeed turning that corner. 

Rockabilly...I recall that craze back in the '80s. With groups like the "Stray Cats". It seems to be something from the '50s...maybe even the '40s. Like the pin up girls from WW2? :scratchhead:

It's rather sexy and cool if you can pull it off. It definitely makes a statement so I like it! It's definitely NOT me. I will stick to '80s-type punk or '90s Grunge or Goth or whatever it is I do. 

Some of my favorite Ts are from this line..

http://shopcrystalrock.com/categories/crystal-rock-tops/tees.html#

I like colorful Ts with stones and studs and black jeans..stuff like that. I know it's bizarre and I find it funny that you wore the same stuff I'm wearing when you were..uh..16? :rofl:

I'm sure I get some strange looks in the clubs but compared to some of the crap I see women wearing (short, short miniskirts and shapeless tops that just hang down and leave nothing to the imagination and these ridiculously high heels, huge, oversized pocketbooks, etc) I don't feel so bad. 

My daughter and I shop in the same stores. It annoys her when I buy the same clothes as she does.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

AmImad said:


> LAnyways I had my first baby at 22, then 23.. and then 27.. always wanted one more.. doubt that's ever gonna happen now ahh well I am very bless with the little buggers I have now!


1 more? Holy crap. :slap: You got three! :rofl: At 31 you could easily have another but why? Now is the time to raise 'em and then start living for yourself. You've been girlfriend, wife, mother but when have you been YOU? 

You started your family young and that's the good part. By the time you are my age you'll still be young and FREE!!

I see these women who have kids in their 20s and THEN they pop out one in their late 30s and I think :wtf: WHY would they do such a thing? 

I guess they like kids. Sorry, I like mine older so if I could just freeze em now I would. I dread when they start having kids and want to leave their babies with me to "babysit". Oh Lord, not again.."Mom is going on a cross country motorcycle trip"...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> 1 more? Holy crap. :slap: You got three! :rofl: At 31 you could easily have another but why? Now is the time to raise 'em and then start living for yourself. You've been girlfriend, wife, mother but when have you been YOU?
> 
> You started your family young and that's the good part. By the time you are my age you'll still be young and FREE!!
> 
> ...


Hahah I always wanted 4 *shrugs* but you're right I planned to have them young, the idea was my H and I would travel as soon as they were old enough to leave.. who knows if that will ever happen? Freak I love bikes, always have, been brought up around them, I have a need for speed and love super bikes, that's my next personal goal! Google Image Result for http://www.project-r.co.uk/images/twobros/2006_triumph_daytona675_side_web.jpg Droooooool!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Also he texted me again this morning..asking a question about whether I got a red nose for the children (It's comic relief over here tomoz).. I waited 45 mins before answering and just answered "No".. he sent another asking if I could get them.. I just replied "Well Im not driving remember. M is doing something at school and J is at the zoo"
He replied "Ah of course" 

Thats it. I didn't carry on chatting, I bloody wanted too though!

Then I get this half hour ago.. F*cking hell. My news feed is filled up with your itunes library. If you're sharing music with someone may I suggest you try sending them a playlist?

Erm if I want to put music on my FB I will.. 

I haven't said anything.. the thing is he can hide my posts OR defriend me... Should I say anything?


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Also he texted me again this morning..asking a question about whether I got a red nose for the children (It's comic relief over here tomoz).. *I waited 45 mins before answering *and just answered "No".. he sent another asking if I could get them.. I just replied "Well Im not driving remember. M is doing something at school and J is at the zoo"
> He replied "Ah of course"


SCORE! If you must reply, the longer you wait the better! 




AmImad said:


> Then I get this half hour ago.. F*cking hell. My news feed is filled up with your itunes library. If you're sharing music with someone may I suggest you try sending them a playlist?
> 
> Erm if I want to put music on my FB I will..
> 
> I haven't said anything.. the thing is he can hide my posts OR defriend me... Should I say anything?


Say nothing. First, because of the way he addressed the issue. He needs to understand that cursing at you will NEVER get a response. Second, because it's him trying to control your actions. Don't acknowledge this text at all. 

If you're feeling strong, share a couple more songs. Not so many that it seems like you're trying to get to him, but just a few so it's clear he can't control you. If you're not prepared for him to lash out at you because of it, just don't do it. Easing slowly into this seems to be working, so don't do anything unless you feel completely ready.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> Say nothing. First, because of the way he addressed the issue. He needs to understand that cursing at you will NEVER get a response. Second, because it's him trying to control your actions. Don't acknowledge this text at all.
> 
> If you're feeling strong, share a couple more songs. Not so many that it seems like you're trying to get to him, but just a few so it's clear he can't control you. If you're not prepared for him to lash out at you because of it, just don't do it. Easing slowly into this seems to be working, so don't do anything unless you feel completely ready.


It has been an hour since he sent it, and I haven't said anything. Infact, I just closed the little window..

I don't know why he sent it in the first place, this is what is getting to me, he seems to be insinating that I was sharing them with someone, in actual fact, there are some that made me think of him! Of course I would never say that..

His text from last night is still rattling around my head, I wish I could understand him, is it all one big game to him, trying to reel me back in? Or is he really thinking about me?.. :scratchhead:

Also something I noticed.. his Australia visit photo album on facebook is missing... Hmmmm


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

NO dop not reply. you shouldnt have replied to the last one either. he is baiting you only to screw with you. let it go now


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

hes never gonna come back, because you get one text thats nice then the next you two end up arguing. he is pushing your buttons and you are falling for it and it ends up bad all the time. if you dont text back then he has no one to fight with. your only giving his reason to text this nonsense and end up in a fight


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> His text from last night is still rattling around my head, I wish I could understand him, is it all one big game to him, trying to reel me back in? Or is he really thinking about me?.. :scratchhead:


The one about the song? I know this is hard, but you need to stop trying to understand his motivations. They don't matter until he's willing to do the right thing. In the past you've said that marriage counseling will be the first step to repairing the M, so until he's in MC or IC (which I really think he needs) his words mean nothing. You need to see action.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> The one about the song? I know this is hard, but you need to stop trying to understand his motivations. They don't matter until he's willing to do the right thing. In the past you've said that marriage counseling will be the first step to repairing the M, so until he's in MC or IC (which I really think he needs) his words mean nothing. You need to see action.


Yeah *sigh* I just want to say "Why did you send it?" If that makes sense?

Bellringer: I know, any relationship talk always takes a turn for the worst. Like i've said I've told him where I stand, that I do love him blah blah blah.. he knows if he wants 'us' the balls in his court...

I don't know why he would bother to bait me, I mean if you dont want someone you've made that abundantly clear, why not just leave them alone?..


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I don't know why he would bother to bait me, I mean if you dont want someone you've made that abundantly clear, why not just leave them alone?..


Because it's a way for him to stroke his ego, knowing he's got you as a back up plan. Right now you are not his priority. Don't ever hang out pining for someone who won't 'make you their priority, Mad. 

He is very aware you are open to restoring your relationship, he knows the ball is in his court. So don't have relationship talks with him, nothing. Go dark.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

So the general concensus is... he's playing minds games, because he doesn't want to lose control?


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

IMO, you are both hurt and not thinking strait. Don't over analyze if possible. Its an emotional rollercoaster of a mind f*ck. Don't worry too much about the small stuff.

Once people get into figureing out and guessing and making mind games, things get weird.

Just deep breath, 180 and wait. Nothing will make sense. 

As a guy, the stuff he does seems totally normal (for this situation). He probably didn't really think it through and have a plan. He's just sending you txts and facebook stuff.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

anx said:


> IMO, you are both hurt and not thinking strait. Don't over analyze if possible. Its an emotional rollercoaster of a mind f*ck. Don't worry too much about the small stuff.
> 
> Once people get into figureing out and guessing and making mind games, things get weird.
> 
> ...


It's just so difficult at times  I over think everything anyway and it would be thing I would love to change about myself..I have said it earlier.. that he starts to have second thoughts or miss me then he knows where I am.. but that bloody msg about the song being written for him..I just wish I knew what he meant, mind you he probably wouldn't tell me or just play it down.

I miss him  I obviously don't miss the arguing and stuff, but I do miss his my friend, and the laughter  Grrrrr


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> It's just so difficult at times


 I 100% agree. You are doing really well compared to where you were weeks ago. Stay strong, you can do this.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AmImad said:


> So the general concensus is... he's playing minds games, because he doesn't want to lose control?


Absolutely. That is why you must remove yourself as an option. He can't feel the loss of you if you are always there for him. NC = priceless.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Im just so in love with the stupid man that I think I am trying to read signs that probably aren't even there.. I want my marriage to work..He doesn't want me at all.. I still find it all so hard to believe...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Someone once told me "Don't let someone walk all over you just because you have FEELINGS for them."

I know this is the hardest thing you will ever do, Mad, but you have got to let him go if he wants out.

His rejecting you is making you romanticize him. I found it very helpful to wake up in the mornings and say "He wants a divorce" over & over again.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

_Letting Go of a Past Relationship

Are you having a hard time letting go of a past relationship and moving forward? Recommended Reading: Rebuilding - When Your Relationship Ends by Dr. Bruce Fisher. (Shown in Amazon list below.) This book is a turning point for recovery once a relationship has ended. We highly recommend it.

Have you really let go of your past relationship? Find out by answering the following statements with either True or False.

I think of my former love partner often.

I fantasize about being with my former love partner.

I find excuses to talk to my former love partner.

I talk about my former love partner often to others.

I am angry with my former love partner.

I still try to please my former love partner.

I still have an emotional commitment to my former love partner.

I still think my former partner and I will get back together.

I become emotionally upset when I think about my former love partner. 

If you answered True to at least one or more of the above statements then you may not have completely let go of your past relationship. You are carrying around some extra baggage that could get in the way of you starting a new relationship and moving forward in a more positive way.

Reluctance to let go of a past relationship is really a sign of unexpressed feelings - feelings that have been suppressed and not fully felt because of the inability to face such feelings. You may be afraid to let go because it will force you to deal directly with your feelings of rejection, guilt, loneliness, etc. So, you avoid feeling the feelings by not letting go. You will probably have to face the feelings directly before you will be able to let go. Ask yourself "What feeling would I feel the strongest if I did let go of my ex-love?" Maybe your reluctance to let go is actually covering up your inability to face the primary feeling that is underneath. If you feel the need for support with this, please seek out a counselor, minister or a friend. 

Put your time and energy into investing in your own personal growth instead of investing in a relationship that has ended. There is no return on the investment in the relationship's emotional corpse. In contrast, the greatest possible return comes from investment in you.

The big question remains - "How do you let go?" or "How do I stop loving that person?" It is much easier to let go, of course, if you have other things going for you. A good job, a good support system, friends, and relatives who are helpful and supportive, some sort of internal fullness rather than emptiness - all of these will help fill the void created when the beloved person is removed.

Here are some specific things Dr. Bruce Fisher in his book Rebuilding suggests you can do to help yourself let go.

1. Go through your house and remove all of those things that tend to keep you thinking about your former love partner. Pictures, gifts, and similar mementos can be removed so that they are not a constant reminder.
2. If you lived together then you may need to rearrange the furniture in the house, perhaps even to make the house look as different as possible from the way it was when you were living together.
3. The shared bed is often an especially important symbol. You may need to put the bed in another room, sell it, or at least move it to a new spot in the bedroom. Change the coverings for a new look.
4. Make a collection of all those reminders of your former love relationship and store them in a box in the attic, garage, or basement.
5. Some weekend you may choose to do some implosive grieving, whereby you bring out all of these mementos and set aside a period of time to grieve a heavily as possible. This period will probably be very depressing and having another person around for support could help. Becoming as much out of control as possible in your grieving may help you to let go more rapidly. By increasing the intensity of the grief, this implosive grieving may shorten the number of weeks or months it takes you to let go fully.
6. Refuse to play the game. Don't return phone calls, letters, or emails from the person you are trying to let go of. You will have to become assertive, or perhaps even start hanging up the phone or returning letters unanswered and unopened.
7. Whenever you find yourself weeping about that person, think about something painful or something unpleasant in the love relationship. That will lead you to stop thinking abut the person. Choose another image to concentrate on, instead of focusing on the past love. 

Forgiveness helps. To forgive the other person and yourself try the following:

1. Write down the name of the person that has hurt you in the past. Explain in detail what they did to hurt you. Holding on to past hurts and anger only hurts you and keeps you from leading a more positive fulfilling life. Now read and review the words you have written. Repeat to yourself and out loud the following. "I forgive (name names) and I release the hurt and anger I have felt and now go free." THEN TEAR UP THE LIST!
2. Write down all the things you have said or done to this person that you are not proud of and/or are sorry for. The act of writing things down and putting them onto paper is healing in and of itself. Now read and review the list. Repeat to yourself and out loud the following: "I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time and now I forgive myself and go free." THEN TEAR UP THE LIST!

Research has shown that the act of writing down all of your feelings and expressing your emotions on paper can help the healing process. This process helps remove these feelings from inside of you and allows you to view them on paper as an outsider looking in and therefore gives you a chance to read, release, forgive, and go free. You must try this - it is a powerful exercise and can be very, very effective. Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself and this gift has the power to release you and lift your spirit. You can and will have a new beginning in life and a new attitude when you forgive. Release yourself and go free._Letting Go of a Past Relationship


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

AmI...I'm the same way with the signs..it's hard but guys are not like us. They have no idea why they are saying what they are saying ..or at least our guys are like that.But in the situation that you are/we are it's normal to look for signs and read them.
I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing ,sometimes you can see things...For the songs in the newsfeed...WTF?! it's non of his business...even if you're still together...I'm sure he wouldn't say this to any of his buddies...at least not with that tone.

I know you love him girl, it'sucks he doesn't respond the way we all want him to. hugs

I'm just so confused as well how my H. turned around on 180 in such short time,i understand he found a coin :rofl: BUT WTH?! Remember he told me it's final and wants a divorce than 4 days later he turned back into my H. (well not completely yet) I am yet to find out how he can change so much in such short time back to normal.
He calls me now 2-3 times a day and even when he is so tired he sounds so pleasant...calls me babe,honey...things I thought I will never hear him say again .
I asked him about the " H. not listed as married anymore" on his FB wall ,it has been on his wall for about a Month now,I wanted him to delete at least the story. 
He apologized today ,deleted it from his wall (said he didn't even know it's was there,well i believe it because he's not on FB much) and put Married on his relationship status.Only today he's noticed I'm not on FB, he asked how come he can't find me... I though he knew the whole time...
This only to tell you how much thought they put in what they are doing.


I..love your dresses...I will never wear a dress because I just don't feel like it's ME BUT I love the style.I'm more of a sporty- jeans kind of a girl.Heels at night but jeans,cute shirts though 

BTW activated my FB... i just sent a request to crank and sakaye...they are the only 2 people i was able to find .

Freak,ami,dan...anybody else that wants to be friends ...let me know...


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> This only to tell you how much thought they put in what they are doing.


 Its 100% the truth.

When a man figures out he was wrong, a fundamental life change overnight is pretty normal.

lol


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

anx said:


> Its 100% the truth.
> 
> When a man figures out he was wrong, a fundamental life change overnight is pretty normal.
> 
> lol



See this is what confuddles me.. Don't get into relationshipp talks.. but then he sends me a msg about a song being written for him blah blah.. is this him realising he's in the wrong or just reeling me in ARGH!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Don't pay any attention his words, Mad...look at his actions.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

vivea said:


> AmI...I'm the same way with the signs..it's hard but guys are not like us. They have no idea why they are saying what they are saying ..or at least our guys are like that.But in the situation that you are/we are it's normal to look for signs and read them.
> I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing ,sometimes you can see things...For the songs in the newsfeed...WTF?! it's non of his business...even if you're still together...I'm sure he wouldn't say this to any of his buddies...at least not with that tone.
> 
> I know you love him girl, it'sucks he doesn't respond the way we all want him to. hugs
> ...


See I sent him the 'goodbye' msg early Tues morning, after him telling me it can never work, he's done on the Monday evening.. and I haven't bothered with him since.. then, he has been the one to contact me.. but I can't read too much into it 

He only calls to talk to the kids though.... who knows it's only been a couple of days since I have done the 180.. I need to give it a bit more time.. *sigh*

Vivea, I never wore stuff like this before, always wanted too, I'd look at pics of my Nan, she was sooooo glamorous and wanted to dress like that so I thought sod it! hehe..

I'll inbox you my FB link


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Don't pay any attention his words, Mad...look at his actions.


I know, but the thing is, these are actions, before he wasn't doing anything, he didn't text me etc.. :scratchhead:

Until he says Ami, I love you, I've f*cked up, I'm sorry can we talk... I can't believe anything or think anything..


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> See I sent him the 'goodbye' msg early Tues morning, after him telling me it can never work, he's done on the Monday evening.. and I haven't bothered with him since.. then, he has been the one to contact me.. but I can't read too much into it
> 
> *He only calls to talk to the kids though.... who knows it's only been a couple of days since I have done the 180.. I need to give it a bit more time.. *sigh**


This is not going to be a quick fix. Plan on it lasting months.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Until he says Ami, I love you, I've f*cked up, I'm sorry can we talk... I can't believe anything or think anything..


If this point comes you need to be ready to respond. What would you say?


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> This is not going to be a quick fix. Plan on it lasting months.



I understand that, fixing if it even gets to that point is going to take a while.. 
I think what I meant is that I want him to see a difference.. wonder why I'm not chasing..


He just called the children to say goodnight.. he's having to go on a coach as his car is still in the garage.. I was tempted to text and say "hope you don't get too travel sick".. :scratchhead:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Do you know the chick he's seeing? Does she have a husband of boyfriend? If so, you should tell her partner. Like yesterday.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Do you know the chick he's seeing? Does she have a husband of boyfriend? If so, you should tell her partner. Like yesterday.


I don't even think she is 'real' at this point.. he was meant to apparently see her some point this week.. but he's been in contact me every evening on facebook..

He did leave me for another woman in Australia.. that clearly didn't work out.. shocking that.. and I did contact her husband!


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> He just called the children to say goodnight.. he's having to go on a coach as his car is still in the garage.. I was tempted to text and say "hope you don't get too travel sick".. :scratchhead:


I'm glad you didn't follow through with temptation. That line would only let him know he's still on your mind. Until he's scared that you're slipping away, he's going to keep on with his new life.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well she is either real or she isn't, Mad. What's he said about her thus far?

Where is right. Until he feels the loss of you, he won't realize what he's done.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Well she is either real or she isn't, Mad. What's he said about her thus far?
> 
> Where is right. Until he feels the loss of you, he won't realize what he's done.


Well he knows someone is interested in me, and is as jealous as sin.. he has said there is someone in the background.. it could be something, but it's not like there is.. I did ask him if he wanted there to be anything.. he said he didn't know.. there's too much sh*t going on.. he doesnt think it would be a good idea.

He tried to make a game out of it.. he said if I wanted to know I needed to tell him why I wanted to know.. I said I wasn't doing it.

He said there was someone else, he said he wouldn't make someone up just to hurt me, so I had my answer.. He said I was jumping to conclusions... Go figure...:scratchhead:


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> I'm glad you didn't follow through with temptation. That line would only let him know he's still on your mind. Until he's scared that you're slipping away, he's going to keep on with his new life.


I know *sigh* but I didn't send it.. the idea is for him to chase me.. I am learning heh


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Vivea! My word you are stunning!!!! IS your husband mental!!!???!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Vivea! My word you are stunning!!!! IS your husband mental!!!???!


:iagree:


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

> Vivea! My word you are stunning!!!! IS your husband mental!!!???!


Awww thank you guys... *blush*

Well i have to say the same about you two ....I guess beautiy doesn't matter..does it 
AmI you're so pretty ,your kiddos are gorgeous
and Crank you're good looking guy ,your wife is crazy...



I just peeked at H.s married status ...someone already put a LIKE underneath :smthumbup:


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

vivea said:


> Awww thank you guys... *blush*


As I said to AIM, glad I was sitting down when I saw your pics, wow !! what are you doing after the show 



> Well i have to say the same about you two ....I guess beautiy doesn't matter..does it


physical appearance is the first thing people notice when meeting someone new, except at places like here.



> AmI you're so pretty ,your kiddos are gorgeous


She is, isin't she, and they are 



> and Crank you're good looking guy ,your wife is crazy...


 (and I actually did blush a little !)



> I just peeked at H.s married status ...someone already put a LIKE underneath :smthumbup:


thats a good thing for sure


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Bah to you both, but yes I think my babies are gorgeous lol

I have just started deleting albums with him in them.. Doubt he'll notice but I don't want reminders...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I've put on my status about SLR camera's he's online but sent me a text?! Telling me to ask our friend who's a budding photographer.. well it's funny, he was going to buy me one for my bday... doubt thats going to happen now!


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> I have just started deleting albums with him in them.. Doubt he'll notice but I don't want reminders...


Before you do things that may get his attention, think about what his reaction might be and how you'd like to respond. Always stay two steps ahead.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> Before you do things that may get his attention, think about what his reaction might be and how you'd like to respond. Always stay two steps ahead.


He has no pics of me on his.. what's good for the goose..

But I do understand what you are saying..


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> He has no pics of me on his.. what's good for the goose..
> 
> But I do understand what you are saying..


I understand completely why you're doing it. I think cutting him out of your life as much as possible is going to help you heal. 

I don't think you would at this point, but in case the old Ami is thinking of rearing her head, do NOT say it's because he doesn't have your photos on his page. I think you'd be best to not respond if he notices, which will probably send him into a fit that I hope you could ignore. 

I'm not sure what you'd say if he did notice and you wanted to respond. "I'm just keeping my FB page current." What _are_ you planning to do?


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> I understand completely why you're doing it. I think cutting him out of your life as much as possible is going to help you heal.
> 
> I don't think you would at this point, but in case the old Ami is thinking of rearing her head, do NOT say it's because he doesn't have your photos on his page. I think you'd be best to not respond if he notices, which will probably send him into a fit that I hope you could ignore.
> 
> I'm not sure what you'd say if he did notice and you wanted to respond. "I'm just keeping my FB page current." What _are_ you planning to do?


The pictures are breaking my heart and I torture myself by looking at them.. I have copies of them and he knows that.

If he happens to notice and he does ask, I'll be honest and say, they hurt too much.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> The pictures are breaking my heart and I torture myself by looking at them.. I have copies of them and he knows that.
> 
> If he happens to notice and he does ask, I'll be honest and say, they hurt too much.


That's the worst thing you could do right now. You'd be reassuring him that you still have feelings for him. You don't need to say that you're moving on, but you need to show him that you're capable. If you continue to reassure him that you're still attached he won't change. 

Please don't take a step back now. This is the longest I've seen you stick to anything. You can do this!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> That's the worst thing you could do right now. You'd be reassuring him that you still have feelings for him. You don't need to say that you're moving on, but you need to show him that you're capable. If you continue to reassure him that you're still attached he won't change.
> 
> Please don't take a step back now. This is the longest I've seen you stick to anything. You can do this!


Well then if I ask, I'll just say it doesn't matter and I'll leave it like that.

I do still have feelings for him, he knows that, or I wouldn't have tried to save our marriage


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Well then if I ask, I'll just say it doesn't matter and I'll leave it like that.
> 
> I do still have feelings for him, he knows that, or I wouldn't have tried to save our marriage


"It doesn't matter" is a passive aggressive phrase. It's not an actual answer to a question. You're better than that! I really think you're best to ignore it if he does notice. Say that you're keeping things current or cleaning up your page if you must say something. Whatever your response is it cannot involve him or your emotions about him. *You are no longer doing things for or because of him. You are doing them for you. *

We all know that you still have feelings for him. He still knows it, but he won't change until he starts to question it. What has your love done for him since he's been gone? It hasn't changed a thing, right? Seeing you as a strong and independent woman may make a difference, but you have to stick to it.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Bah to you both, but yes I think my babies are gorgeous lol


don't push it princess, a spanking will be on the way


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> "It doesn't matter" is a passive aggressive phrase. It's not an actual answer to a question. You're better than that! I really think you're best to ignore it if he does notice. Say that you're keeping things current or cleaning up your page if you must say something. Whatever your response is it cannot involve him or your emotions about him. *You are no longer doing things for or because of him. You are doing them for you. *
> 
> We all know that you still have feelings for him. He still knows it, but he won't change until he starts to question it. What has your love done for him since he's been gone? It hasn't changed a thing, right? Seeing you as a strong and independent woman may make a difference, but you have to stick to it.


:iagree:


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> "It doesn't matter" is a passive aggressive phrase. It's not an actual answer to a question. You're better than that! I really think you're best to ignore it if he does notice. Say that you're keeping things current or cleaning up your page if you must say something. Whatever your response is it cannot involve him or your emotions about him. *You are no longer doing things for or because of him. You are doing them for you. *
> 
> We all know that you still have feelings for him. He still knows it, but he won't change until he starts to question it. What has your love done for him since he's been gone? It hasn't changed a thing, right? Seeing you as a strong and independent woman may make a difference, but you have to stick to it.


Ok, I understand, I have actually deleted most of the albums now, to look like I am 'keeping it current'

I am doing it for me, because it was all memories.. I do have them stored elsewhere.. 

I am getting stronger..slowly..


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

:rant: No one is stating the obvious so I will:

DAMN IT!! TAKE HIM OFF YOUR FACEBOOK! :banghead: :slap:

THAT is the fix! Then you won't be getting texts from him about and it's ONE LESS issue or temptation in your life. One less point of contact. It seems so obvious. :scratchhead:

Just get him off there so you can log on and enjoy yourself without worrying about what he's going to text you about, how he's going to react, what he may be thinking when he sees something on your FB. 

JUST DO IT! It'll make a HUGE difference and send a message in itself. If he asks why just say very simply "Because I felt it was best." You'll have a HUGE weight off your shoulders! 

That's my .02. Facebook is a giant PITA as far as I'm concerned. I'll be your friend but I'm not getting on FB to do it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ What is PITA?



Freak On a Leash said:


> :rant: No one is stating the obvious so I will:
> 
> DAMN IT!! TAKE HIM OFF YOUR FACEBOOK! :banghead: :slap:
> 
> THAT is the fix! Then you won't be getting texts from him about and it's ONE LESS issue or temptation in your life. One less point of contact. It seems so obvious. :scratchhead:


I agree with Freak here.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Freak On a Leash said:


> :rant: No one is stating the obvious so I will:
> 
> DAMN IT!! TAKE HIM OFF YOUR FACEBOOK! :banghead: :slap:
> 
> ...


We all agree. She.just.won't.do.it.

Hopefully soon!


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> ^ What is PITA?


Pain in the ass.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> We all agree. She.just.won't.do.it.
> 
> Hopefully soon!


Actually... I was going to do it.. but I was waiting til after the weekend.. there was a method to my madness..


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Actually... I was going to do it.. but I was waiting til after the weekend.. there was a method to my madness..


Share, please.

It seemed to me that deleting his pictures was a stunt to get his attention. I know you want him to want you and it dawned on me that you might be doing this to get your fix. That's why I jumped right on how you would respond. It seems like you were setting yourself up for another round. Were you doing it consciously?


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

> _Letting Go of a Past Relationship
> 
> I think of my former love partner often.
> 
> ...


Well, I haven't let go but I answered "True" to 4 and "False" to 4 and am in the middle on one. Still not sure how emotional committed I am to him. I'm not dating other people but I think it's more about me than him. 



> You are carrying around some extra baggage that could get in the way of you starting a new relationship and moving forward in a more positive way.


Yep, I know that. But I think I'm moving forward in a positive way but I have no interest in starting a new relationship so again, 50/50. 



> Put your time and energy into investing in your own personal growth instead of investing in a relationship that has ended. There is no return on the investment in the relationship's emotional corpse. In contrast, the greatest possible return comes from investment in you.


:iagree: :iagree:



> Here are some specific things Dr. Bruce Fisher in his book Rebuilding suggests you can do to help yourself let go.
> 
> 1. Go through your house and remove all of those things that tend to keep you thinking about your former love partner. Pictures, gifts, and similar mementos can be removed so that they are not a constant reminder.
> 2. If you lived together then you may need to rearrange the furniture in the house, perhaps even to make the house look as different as possible from the way it was when you were living together.
> ...


Well, I moved out of the house we shared so that worked well. Then I gave the bed to my 16 year old daughter. 

First night after he left I cried when I was putting away the camping stuff we'd used two months earlier on our camping trip to Lake George. I was bawling my eyes out. Haven't cried since over him. I tend to get angry. Thinking of painful and unpleasant things is easy. Where do I start? 

I don't call him anymore except to let him know if I'm coming over. Haven't seen him in almost two weeks. Last time we talked on the phone he called me. I won't make the mistake of answering again without listening to voicemail first. 

Yep, I'm moving along. :smthumbup:



> Forgiveness helps.


No forgiveness with an apology or at least an admission of guilt. That's my criteria. Oh well. 



> Research has shown that the act of writing down all of your feelings and expressing your emotions on paper can help the healing process.


If I do this I will have to have it copyrighted because it'll be a book! :rofl:


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Yes I would have done the same.I did it by deleting my account and I have to say it felt better .Not that he was active and again he wouldn't have noticed but it was for me.
The more temptations you get out of the way...the better for you.
I know it's hard and it hurts to have to do it but it's the only way for you to at least breathe without too much pain.

H. also deleted all pics of mine on his FB ...it was hard to see that.I still can't get over it...I started hating FB big time but it's the only way to keep up with close family and friends. 
I wish he didn't have FB ,he's said at least 10 times that he will delete it,he doesn't use it...I prefer if he doesn't have an acct. on FB .
I am just hurt that he's always said that he doesn't care about FB and will delete it and yet he was in a hurry to delete my photos and un-marry himself... why let the whole world know about our personal stuff when nothing was even finalized...Now everyone knows that we've had problems...who needs that.We could have calmly resolved it without involving all of our friends and family...but NO...I guess some people just like to appear as a victim and to be pitied.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

WhereAmI said:


> Share, please.
> 
> It seemed to me that deleting his pictures was a stunt to get his attention. I know you want him to want you and it dawned on me that you might be doing this to get your fix. That's why I jumped right on how you would respond. It seems like you were setting yourself up for another round. Were you doing it consciously?


Yep, I agree. There's no "method" by keeping him on past NOW. You are just baiting him. Why? Why poke the dog under the porch with the stick?  So that he'll come up from under the porch and bite you and then you can play victim? :scratchhead:

It makes NO SENSE. If you keep him on the FB then come here crying the blues about what he says and does as a result of keeping him as a friend you are just having a pity party. Plus you are losing credibility and reversing your hard earned gains from your prior actions. 

So throw yourself a REAL party and ditch the loser from Facebook and have a glass of wine to chill out and then call it a day. 

Why keep banging your head against the wall? All you do is get a HEADACHE!! :banghead:


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

WhereAmI said:


> Before you do things that may get his attention, think about what his reaction might be and how you'd like to respond. Always stay two steps ahead.


Sounds like familiar advice. Remember my saying that you have to act like a general in a battle? NEVER let him know what you are thinking or planning. Keep him off balance and always stay two steps ahead of him. 

And stop thinking about what he may do or think or feel with regards to his loving/wanting you as a result of your actions. At this point you have to stop giving a damn. Think about YOURSELF. How will this make YOU feel? How will this give YOU the advantage? How will this help you in your healing progress? 

It's all about YOU now.

I deleted him and all his freakin' friends from my cell phone. It made me feel better. But then I put him back in because I didn't want to accidentally pick up the phone when he called. It's easier to see his name then to try and make out the numbers. 

But he's not on speed dial!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Yep, I agree. There's no "method" by keeping him on past NOW. You are just baiting him. Why? Why poke the dog under the porch with the stick?  So that he'll come up from under the porch and bite you and then you can play victim? :scratchhead:
> 
> It makes NO SENSE. If you keep on the FB then coming here and crying the blues about what he says and does as a result of keeping him as a friend is just having a pity party. Plus you are losing credibility and reversing you hard earned gains from your prior actions.
> 
> ...



I wanted to wait til after the weekend because I was being polite and nice-ish to him, then I was going out on Sat night, this was a way for him to know I wasn't sat at home.. then I was going to delete him after that..

I needed to delete the pictures for myself, it wasn't so he would notice.. he'd only do that if he was looking at my pics, I removed them because it was killing me..


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Sounds like familiar advice. Remember my saying that you have to act like a general in a battle? NEVER let him know what you are thinking or planning. Keep him off balance and always stay two steps ahead of him.
> 
> And stop thinking about what he may do or think or feel with regards to his loving/wanting you as a result of your actions. At this point you have to stop giving a damn. Think about YOURSELF. How will this make YOU feel? How will this give YOU the advantage? How will this help you in your healing progress?
> 
> ...


I only have his number in my phone for the children.. they know how to look him up and call him. I can't remember the last time I actually called him, he's called me.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

WhereAmI said:


> If this point comes you need to be ready to respond. What would you say?


That is a GOOD question! At this point, what WOULD you say? :scratchhead:

I was actually pondering that point myself today. First I'd ask if the pod people brought back my husband...:rofl: 

Seriously? I'd say, that's all fine and nice. When are you checking into detox/rehab? Nothing progresses until THAT happens. THEN we'll talk. 

All the "I love you, want you, need you" is just crap until that happens. 

This is why in some ways my situation is much easier than everyone else's. It's black and white. No greys. No rehab, no nuthin'.

Then I'd want to see some counseling and a year AT LEAST of rekindling the relationship. That means FUN. No more stupid head games or crap. 

Oh yeah, I'll be wantin' some decent sex too. 



WhereAmI said:


> This is not going to be a quick fix. Plan on it lasting months.


Not only planning on it but WANTING it. I love my single life. I don't think we'll ever live together again. Maybe on weekends someday.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Freak On a Leash said:


> That is a GOOD question? At this point, what WOULD you say? :scratchhead:
> 
> I was actually pondering that point myself today. First I'd ask if the pod people brought back my husband...:rofl:
> 
> ...


That's exactly in the same vein that I was hoping she's respond to the question. In her case it would be, "We can talk about that in marriage counseling. Let me know when you've made an appointment." She decided she'd take him back if they went to MC together, but I worry that at this point she'd respond to "I love you!" with "I love you too!"


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

AmImad said:


> I wanted to wait til after the weekend because I was being polite and nice-ish to him, then I was going out on Sat night, this was a way for him to know I wasn't sat at home.. then I was going to delete him after that..


No, no..it's not being "polite" or "nice". You can't fool me..You are playing games! This is more about you letting him know that you aren't at home on Saturday night...

*Freak goes into Mother Mode*

:slap: STOP the game playing! Sheesh! You are acting just like my 16 year old daughter and her girlfriends! :banghead: Teenage melodrama at your age? 




> I needed to delete the pictures for myself, it wasn't so he would notice.. he'd only do that if he was looking at my pics, I removed them because it was killing me..


Well, there's nothing wrong with that. Now if he wasn't on your FB it wouldn't be an issue!


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

AmImad said:


> I only have his number in my phone for the children.. they know how to look him up and call him. I can't remember the last time I actually called him, he's called me.


That's interesting. Yeah, he seems to call you A LOT..which says something right there! My husband rarely calls me. I USED to call him all time (give self a spanking!). I did a LOT OF the same stuff you have done! That's how I know it doesn't work! 

But now I never call my husband except to say I'm coming over to get something and I rarely do that now. Haven't seen him in almost two weeks. That's probably why I'm in such a good mood! :smthumbup:

He NEVER called me..except when his father died. And then when he fell down and knocked himself out and didn't know where he was (he still thought we were living together! :rofl. 

But in the past week he's called me twice. Interesting, eh? I was stupid enough to answer but after his last stunt I won't be. We'll see what happens tomorrow when he supposedly comes over to pick up my son. 

My son has his own phone with my husband's number speed dialed in. I'm out of the loop completely.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> That's interesting. Yeah, he seems to call you A LOT..which says something right there! My husband rarely calls me. I USED to call him all time (give self a spanking!). I did a LOT OF the same stuff you have done! That's how I know it doesn't work!


What does it say? 

He's asking me Qs on facebook, I am being very blank... he said you seem offish.. I've leave you too it.. what does he expect?


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

WhereAmI said:


> That's exactly in the same vein that I was hoping she's respond to the question. In her case it would be, "We can talk about that in marriage counseling. Let me know when you've made an appointment." She decided she'd take him back if they went to MC together, but I worry that at this point she'd respond to "I love you!" with "I love you too!"


I don't think she'd say that. She SHOULD but I hate to say it, but I'm convinced she would just go for him saying that he loves her and wants her back. Problem is, it's too soon.  He might very well pull that crap soon enough. I get that feeling..then it's going to be hard for Ami to resist that pull. She wants it so bad..

But it'll be like biting into an apple when you are starving and finding a worm in it..

Like I said, with me, it's very apparent what has to be done. Even back when I was still hung up on my husband and we were newly separated he asked me "Would you still have me as I am now, even without going to rehab?"

I looked at him awhile, which clearly wasn't what he wanted or liked. Then I said "No, you have to do rehab and get sober and stay sober. Don't sell your house anytime soon."

He looked shocked. The next day he found his father dead in the bedroom. He's been going downhill ever since. I wonder if I pushed him off the hill? 

If I did, he got a running start because I don't blame myself. He's had plenty of chances to make things right and instead he makes them worse. It's on him now. I have my own life to live and I'm enjoying it fine without him. 

I have a very good sense of what I would want to see before even DISCUSSING reconciliation and even then, given my mindset, I don't know if it'll happen. 

Fact remains that I LIKE being separated. Wouldn't mind having him as a friend and lover though, provided he went to rehab. There WAS a time I thought we could have that without his being sober but I now realize that it's impossible. It's what he wants though. He seems to think that we can just hang out and carry on in his current state. He's actually SAID that he wouldn't be much different if he was sober. 

I call that a big pile of BS. He just wants me to enable him to continue on. I find nothing appealing about him in his current state. Nothing at all.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

AmImad said:


> What does it say?


It says that he's still interested in your. I believe that given the right stategy you can turn this thing around but as long as you keep playing into his hands and let him call the shots (ie; manipulate you on Facebook!) it's going to take longer. You do yourself no favors by prolonging contact on places like Facebook. Take him off. 



> He's asking me Qs on facebook, I am being very blank... he said you seem offish.. I've leave you too it.. what does he expect?


Proves my point. Do the unexpected and take him off your friends list and DO NOT answer any of his questions except to say "Because I felt it was the proper thing to do."

It'll blow his mind.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Ok, I know I am going to be moaned at, *dons her tinfoil hat*

He was texting me last night...

So... I logged off of facebook, as I felt I would end up saying something I regret.. 

My Facebook status was just ...............

He wanted to know why and I wouldn't tell him..

Anyways he discussed that his car has to me scrapped (HA aint karma grand!) This is the FB chat....

M: Well let me know what time you'll be coming, do you want me to bring them to town or something or what?

H: Sure or I can walk up to you then take them from there

M: well its up to you.
Not expecting you to want to see me, so I can drop them off if it's easier for you?

H:What?

M: I can drop them off at the station to you, then you could take them to town or sumat?

H: No, I understood that bit. It's the first bit that made no sense

M: Just meant you wouldnt be spending time with me.

H: Up to you really. No firm plans as yet, was thinking of a trip to the park at some point

M: Not meaning to sound *****y, but would it be easier if you didnt see them this weekend?

H: Well I'd really like to see them. Doesn't look like I'll have a car any time soon so it's not really an excuse.. (sux to be him huh?!)

M: ok.

Anyways he went on and on about my status after that and I logged off then I get a text saying:

H: Sorry

M: "Please don't leave it too late to come on Sat morning, they're going over to my Mums in the evening"

H: Am I not going to get to tuck the kids in on Sat? 

M: No you wasn't going to anyway and besides you have to get a train back, also presumed you'd have plans (he couldn't tuck them in last week coz he was going out...)

H: I don't know what I am doing Sat night but I can move around my kids.. (well he couldn't last week for our daughters bday!)

M: Sorry, we've got plans now.

H: What time are you going? Are you going to give them dinner?

M: Yes they're having dinner, going over about 4, which is why I said come earlier rather than later.

H: Ok

M: Night.

H: Night, glad you skipped over your status thing again that could have been annoying otherwise...

M: Wll I wouldn't want to annoy you further would I? Heh

H: I'd think I'd find it slightly less annoying than you're continued use of 'heh'

M: Better or worse than Blah?

H: On a par. Exceptionally inarticulate

M: Well I don't like to disappoint.

H: Look, please just tell me what your status is about, are you ok? I'll leave you alone after that..

My resolve goes 

M: It was he elbow song (I'd posted it on my wall) thats why it was ................ good night.

H: I've avoided commenting on your stuff because your family and friends think I am a c*nt but that doesn't mean I don't think things when you post stuff...

M: No one thinks you're a c*nt but that doesn't mattr. I heard it on tv, shortest snippet, youtubed it then realised what song it was and how it made me feel. It made me feel..........

H: .................... as a replacement for something you didn't want to say or you didn't feel anything?

M: What does it matter?

H: On the way home I was listening to my ipod and Jonny Cash's Hurt came on, it made me feel ......... too.

M: I don't know what that song is

H: So go and listen to it

So I did... cried like a baby listening to it.. YouTube - Johnny Cash - 'Hurt"

M: Moving song

H: Indeed, did you listen to the lyrics?

LYRICS: 

I hurt myself today

to see if I still feel

I focus on the pain

the only thing that's real

the needle tears a hole

the old familiar sting

try to kill it all away

but I remember everything

what have I become?

my sweetest friend

everyone I know

goes away in the end

and you could have it all

my empire of dirt


I will let you down

I will make you hurt


I wear this crown of thorns

upon my liar's chair

full of broken thoughts

I cannot repair

beneath the stains of time

the feelings disappear

you are someone else

I am still right here


what have I become?

my sweetest friend

everyone I know

goes away in the end

and you could have it all

my empire of dirt


I will let you down

I will make you hurt


if I could start again

a million miles away

I would keep myself

I would find a way

M: Yes I did

M:Beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

Felt more apt for me.

H: Fair call.

M: Good night Liam

H: Good night

M: (I'm going to hate myself for this and you lot are going to shout even more at me ) but that song, feeling .................... what was that really?

No answer---------------------------------------------------

So, other than me being d*ck because I replied and talked to him... any thoughts?  


**edit** he also got the ump saying 'listen, don't worry about Sat, I'll come, pick them up, take them out & you can go do what you like' I simply replied 'ok'


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

YouTube - Johnny Cash - 'Hurt"

LYRICS: 

*I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end

and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way*

THAT is my husband's song. He used to play it for me!! ALL the time. THEN I played it for him! It IS his song. "I will let you down..I will make you hurt.." "What have I become?"..Even the term "Empire of dirt" is appropriate because back when I first met my husband his friends called him the "The Emperor" and he does indeed preside over his own empire of dirt. (more like sh*t )

I will put those lyrics on his gravestone and BLAST that song at his wake. It's his legacy. 

The radio played the original Nine Inch Nails version yesterday and I have to admit I like the "Man in Black's version better. It's more poignant, though as a general rule I prefer NIN to Johnny Cash. 

NOW on to more serious stuff. You didn't really think I wasn't going to address this did you? ....


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Ok, I know I am going to be moaned at


NOO..you are going to be YELLED at...



AmImad said:


> M: Well let me know what time you'll be coming, do you want me to bring them to town or something or what?
> 
> H: Sure or I can walk up to you then take them from there
> 
> ...


:slap: :banghead: :gun: RIGHT THERE! THERE!! DO YOU SEE IT!!??

That was your mistake. WHY WHY WHY?? You blew it!! You gotta STOP. It would've been FINE without that line! But you HAD to do it! Now you made yourself look needy, b*itchy, whiny..pitiful, just pitiful.  

SHORT. BRIEF. TO THE POINT!! You were THERE and then you blew it. THEN YOU PROCEEDED TO GO ON AND ON and MAKE IT WORSE! :banghead:

He so owned you..  

Utter fail! Now it's a "DO OVER." 

I'm going to smack you so hard...

I feel like Yoda with Luke Skywalker. You've turned to the Dark Side young Jedi Knight..Now get out of the damn mud and take a shower! 

I'm referring to that scene in the swamp in the _The Empire Strikes Back._

Oh man, I gotta go to work. 

Go read the 180 AGAIN and TAKE HIM OFF FACEBOOK. Don't you see that if he'd NEVER been on there he wouldn't have had a STATUS TO BRING UP!!!??

THE FACEBOOK
THE FACEBOOK
THE FACEBOOK

GET THE DAMN SCHMUCK OFF YOUR FACEBOOK!!

ELIMINATE the stress points!! Reducing POINTS of contact takes out confrontations and temptations like this!! 

Oh my Lord...Is it just me?


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## Gammyleg (Jan 12, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Oh my Lord...Is it just me?


No it's not. You have to get him off your fb. My wife can see everything I post but I can't see anything of hers. It is so much better that way because you *KNOW* they are looking at your page but nothing that they post can upset *YOU*

Gammy


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> So, other than me being d*ck because I replied and talked to him... any thoughts?


Do you know that nearly every time you ask for thoughts it's about what he's thinking, not about what you could be doing to make this situation better? You are so concentrated on his feelings that you're unable to see the damage you're doing with your actions. 

Have you looked into IC any further? You're stuck in a cycle and although you're slowly getting better using the advice here, I think having a professional on your side will help immensely. You need to stop allowing yourself to be a victim. If he comes back when you're in this frame of mind he'll end up leaving you and your family for the next new thing knowing that you'll be there waiting. You need to fix YOU first or this relationship has absolutely no hope.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Yes, yes I know I got it wrong as soon as I did it.. I did think Sh*t why did you just hit send, but it was out there and it was too late.

I haven't contacted him since, I didn't ask why he didn't reply nothing, although I have thought about it. And he hasn't me..

I just don't understand why he would tell me about that song, or how it made him feel?.. He has done this?

I understand why I am at fault and learning from that, I feel different from how I did a few weeks ago. 

Whereami- I start with IC on Wednesday, they wanted to combine a councillor who could deal with the cancer issue too.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

OMG, I just bawled my eyes out to that song.  

I think you did good. We'll allow you little slip ups.  

AmI, keep strong. Don't play into his curiousness, he'll just keep thinking he has you wrapped around his finger. Keep yourself mysterious, make HIM wonder. After all the wondering you are doing, he deserves to sweat a little.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

AmI...honey...i agree with everyone for the 1st time.Stop doing this!!!
The conversation did make you look bit*chy...he is not going to miss that. Don't bite on his little comments,be more businessy like ,I guarantee you he'll notice. When you talk to him like that you are setting yourself up for a disaster. 
When he asked you about the song you shouldn't have said anything or if you wanted to say something you should have told him "If you have something to tell me,say it..i don't need to listen to a song to try to figure out what you're trying to tell me"


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

vivea said:


> AmI...honey...i agree with everyone for the 1st time.Stop doing this!!!
> The conversation did make you look bit*chy...he is not going to miss that. Don't bite on his little comments,be more businessy like ,I guarantee you he'll notice. When you talk to him like that you are setting yourself up for a disaster.
> When he asked you about the song you shouldn't have said anything or if you wanted to say something you should have told him "If you have something to tell me,say it..i don't need to listen to a song to try to figure out what you're trying to tell me"


See all that looks great now, but it doesn't get into my stupid thick skull at the time?  I don't think he took it as b*tchy as he carried on talking to me afterwards and told me about that song...

I still don't know why he told me about the songs? I mean, if he doesn't care about me, why didn't he just keep it to himself? 

I honestly don't know if he is doing all this on purpose, or if its subconciously?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Forget the song, forget what he says, look at what he's DOING. My guess is he's having an affair. 

Mad, you need to drop this dude and fast. When you drop him, he just might realize what he lost. As long as you're present--he can't miss you. Put on your new dress this weekend, hit up that guy friend you have and go out and grab a drink. You are awesome and you need to show the world this


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Forget the song, forget what he says, look at what he's DOING. My guess is he's having an affair.
> 
> Mad, you need to drop this dude and fast. When you drop him, he just might realize what he lost. As long as you're present--he can't miss you. Put on your new dress this weekend, hit up that guy friend you have and go out and grab a drink. You are awesome and you need to show the world this


*Hugs* Thanks JB, I don't feel it right now 

At this point I don't think he is, if he is then his 'lady friend' must tolerate a lot because he spends most of his free time talking to me at the moment?!

Also with the whole aspergers thing (no excuses) this may be his 'actions' but like I have said a gazillion times now, he knows I love him and I want this.. so the ball is in his court.

The song that made me feel ............. is YouTube - Elbow - One Day Like This

The lyrics are Drinking in the morning sun
Blinking in the morning sun
Shaking off the heavy one
Heavy like a loaded gun

What made me behave that way?
Using words I never say
I can only think it must be love
Oh, anyway, it's looking like a beautiful day

Someone tell me how I feel
It's silly wrong but vivid right
Oh, kiss me like the final meal
Yeah, kiss me like we die tonight

Cause holy cow, I love your eyes
And only now I see the light
Yeah, lying with me half-awake
Oh, anyway, it's looking like a beautiful day

When my face is chamois-creased
If you think I'll wink, I did
Laugh politely at repeats
Yeah, kiss me when my lips are thin

Cause holy cow, I love your eyes
And only now I see you like
Yeah, lying with me half-awake
Stumbling over what to say
Well, anyway, it's looking like a beautiful day

So throw those curtains wide!
One day like this a year'd see me right! 

He wrote all this out for me about a month before he left and said every time he hears it, it reminds him of me..


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I have a new song for you... Cee-Lo's "F*ck you"  

Seriously. If you haven't heard it, google it. Switch up the game plan my dear!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Forget the song, forget what he says, look at what he's DOING. My guess is he's having an affair.
> 
> Mad, you need to drop this dude and fast. When you drop him, he just might realize what he lost. As long as you're present--he can't miss you. Put on your new dress this weekend, hit up that guy friend you have and go out and grab a drink. You are awesome and you need to show the world this


At this point I don't think he is, if he is then his 'lady friend' but tolerate a lot because he spends most of his free time talking to me at the moment?!

Also with the whole aspergers thing (no excuses) this may be his 'actions' but like I have said a gazillion times now, he knows I love him and I want this.. so the ball is in his court.

The song that made me feel ............. is YouTube - Elbow - One Day Like This

The lyrics are Drinking in the morning sun
Blinking in the morning sun
Shaking off the heavy one
Heavy like a loaded gun

What made me behave that way?
Using words I never say
I can only think it must be love
Oh, anyway, it's looking like a beautiful day

Someone tell me how I feel
It's silly wrong but vivid right
Oh, kiss me like the final meal
Yeah, kiss me like we die tonight

Cause holy cow, I love your eyes
And only now I see the light
Yeah, lying with me half-awake
Oh, anyway, it's looking like a beautiful day

When my face is chamois-creased
If you think I'll wink, I did
Laugh politely at repeats
Yeah, kiss me when my lips are thin

Cause holy cow, I love your eyes
And only now I see you like
Yeah, lying with me half-awake
Stumbling over what to say
Well, anyway, it's looking like a beautiful day

So throw those curtains wide!
One day like this a year'd see me right! 

He wrote all this out for me about a month before he left and said every time he hears it, it reminds him of me.. My H loves my eyes..... or did..


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I have a new song for you... Cee-Lo's "F*ck you"
> 
> Seriously. If you haven't heard it, google it. Switch up the game plan my dear!



I have the album  Love it! and very old but F.U.R.B lol


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

AmI can you do at least do 4 days with NC at all.
It'll be hell for you BUT try.I did it,I actually did 7 days before that but he asked for it and I had to do it.The 4 days were when I asked for him to not contact me.
Please ,no FB,no text. Only kids talk to him ...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

vivea said:


> AmI can you do at least do 4 days with NC at all.
> It'll be hell for you BUT try.I did it,I actually did 7 days before that but he asked for it and I had to do it.The 4 days were when I asked for him to not contact me.
> Please ,no FB,no text. Only kids talk to him ...




Babe, I am going to do this starting on Monday, he's coming to pick up the kids tomoz and I will see him.. I am going to go out in the evening in some nice company (which I am as nervous as hell about) and I am going to spend Sunday with my children...

THEN Monday there's going to be a turn around x

*This was on my friends status..*
Dont dwell on the past. Focus on the future. Thats why the rearview mirror is smaller than the windshield!


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> I have a new song for you... Cee-Lo's "F*ck you"
> 
> Seriously. If you haven't heard it, google it. Switch up the game plan my dear!


Ooooooooohhhhhh.....I love it !!!!!!!

It's an upbeat get you in a good mood song !!!!!

Love, love, love it !!!!!!!

I'm gonna play it again right now !!!!!!

:yay: :yay: :yay: :yay: :yay: :yay: :yay: :yay:

*singing* 

"I've got some news for you
i really hate yo ass right now"

*dancing around*

"And although there's pain in my chest
I still wish you the best with a...
**** you!
Oo, oo, ooo"

:yay: :yay: :yay: :yay: :yay: :yay: :yay: :yay:
:yay: :yay: :yay: :yay: :yay: :yay: :yay: :yay:


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I have a new song for you... Cee-Lo's "F*ck you"
> 
> Seriously. If you haven't heard it, google it. Switch up the game plan my dear!


:yay::yay::yay::yay::yay:


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

It's my favorite song BTW... I've been listening to it a lot in the car.:smthumbup:


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I've listened to it a few times recently hehe..

Feeling like poo, looking at camera's and really would love his advice


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I've listened to it a few times recently hehe..
> 
> Feeling like poo, looking at camera's and really would love his advice


don't stress, plenty of others who know more about cameras ready to give you advice.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I've just researched on the internet.. See how I go..

I would have loved his input, it was a shared interest..


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> I've just researched on the internet.. See how I go..
> 
> I would have loved his input, it was a shared interest..


If you get his input, you may end up with a better camera. 

If you don't get his input, you may end up a stronger woman who could be in a healthy relationship. 

Camera vs. Healthy Relationship hmmmmm...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> If you get his input, you may end up with a better camera.
> 
> If you don't get his input, you may end up a stronger woman who could be in a healthy relationship.
> 
> Camera vs. Healthy Relationship hmmmmm...


Ok ok.. point taken! :smthumbup:


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Ami..baby let me know if you need help...I'm into photography and know a few things... I'm a Canon girl but can answer a general questions about any kind of cameras.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Ok ok.. point taken! :smthumbup:


and acted upon I see


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

AmI...I think you should try to take your own decisions ,i'm talking about the camera purchase but it goes in general ..if you ask him that'll show him weakness...i'll tell you what I did.
I've always wanted a tattoo and intended to get one but could not decide what exactly I want and where I want it. H. knew that , I told him we should go together...i would come up with an image and idea and share it with him for his approval...well never done it.
After he separated I finally decided to act on it and for some reason i had a clear idea of what and where I want it. I told him that I 'm doing it about 2-3 weeks ago and it kind of felt powerful to just tell him without sharing with him what it is and where i'm tattooing .His curiosity has been so high since than ...when I told him I felt like he was jealous in way...and it just made so many statements for me. 
Statement number 
1. that I was independent and capable of taking my own decisions now.
2.I can live my life without him,i don't really need him for everything.
3.I am powerful and i can show it.
4.I am not scared anymore.
5.If you want to see the tattoo you have to reconcile with me so you can see it.

Honestly I still haven't told him what kind of tattoo ,where...any details. I'm doing it this Wednesday and i'm excited .
I think i really really impressed him just by doing this...i mean this is a pretty important decision...the tattoo will stay with me forever..and it's quite large.

Just giving you an example that when you get your camera without asking him ...you also make a statement.Something very simple but powerful....just my 2 cents


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Well, come on, out with it, what are you getting, and where are you getting it ?

I talked for quite a few years about getting a tatt, I finally did, got what I wanted, where I wanted it.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Hmmm I'd rather show you guys...wouldn't u preffer that


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

vivea said:


> Hmmm I'd rather show you guys...wouldn't preffer that


awww, alright, keep us in suspense 
I showed you mine, so when you get it, you have to show us yours


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Well i don't mean to keep it a suspense but if I say what I want and where...you still wouldn't have an idea how it's going to look like because it could be done in may different ways...that's why I'd rather show.. ...and I will..I promise.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

I have to also say that you crank inspired me with yours...I was already thinking it but when I saw yours I just knew the time has come


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Thanks Viv, 

You make perfect sense yet again! 

I've got 3 tattoo's I got my first on my 30th bday and the following 2 within the next couple of months..

I really want more! I want to lose a bit more weight and hav my belly button pierced again!

RE cameras: I am looking for a SLR camera.. either a Nikon or Canon, I've got an old skool camera but I am doing a photography course in may xx


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Share pics of your tatts PLS...


I have to say that photography could be very addictive...you start with something small and than your world turns upside down and you want everything out there.
If you think you might like to pursue this as a business on the side at one point ...I would suggest you get a professional grade camera ..they are very pricey but the images that come out of them are priceless too.
I started with canon Rebel and outgrew it in a matter of 2-3 months..than sold it but lost money ...got Canon 5D...fabulous camera. I also started it for the kids...wanted to take our family photos BUT that it turned into a business on the side and now I'm looking into making real money out of it.
I have been learning for the past 3-4 years and can say I'm ready...it's just that with my little one it's going to be hard but I'll try to find a good babysitter.

So my point is if you can afford a professional camera,go for it,you'll not regret it....now lenses are another story...they are very addictive...and very expensive.OK I'll stop ...don't want to overwhelm you with too much info,I probably already complicated more your decision about what kind of camera you should get. ooops


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

vivea said:


> Share pics of your tatts PLS...
> 
> 
> I have to say that photography could be very addictive...you start with something small and than your world turns upside down and you want everything out there.
> ...



I'll have to take some heh, got a stargazer lily (my fave flower) with stars and filagree on my right forearm,Welcome to Facebook - Log In, Sign Up or Learn More something based on this Google Image Result for http://www.tattootribes.com/multimedia/110/tree-of-life.jpg in between my shoulder blades and my fave a ladybird on my left ankle, ladybirds are seen to be good luck, but I love them hehe 

As for the camera's it's funny thats what I was looking at! I don't mind spending out on a decent one, thats going to last me! I've always been into photography and would love to do reportage pics, I had them at my wedding *sigh* I always said to H that I was going to get into it, he promised to buy one for me.. maybe I should sell my rock  hahah so when this class came up, I thought sod it go for it!  

I've been doing a lot of research I just dont want to get it wrong!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

vivea said:


> Well i don't mean to keep it a suspense but if I say what I want and where...you still wouldn't have an idea how it's going to look like because it could be done in may different ways...that's why I'd rather show.. ...and I will..I promise.


you better, or on the 'to be spanked list' you go


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## mama (Feb 25, 2011)

*hugs* AmI i met a counsellor once that told me there is little things that happen that she referred to as 'your truths' that i would start to see which would tell me what i should do. this was when i was confused and needing direction. one of those truths came from my younger child stating that daddy was cranky all the time and that daddy was mean. i started to really pay attention to these 'truths' as sometimes it's hard to see them yourself. kids are honest and sometimes they help you see what u can't when your involved.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

vivea said:


> I have to also say that you crank inspired me with yours...I was already thinking it but when I saw yours I just knew the time has come


I talked about getting one, with my kids names, for years, the time was right, and as it turned out my (ex) nephew does tattooing


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

vivea said:


> Share pics of your tatts PLS...


maybe we could get one of the mods to make a sticky and we can post our ink there


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## mama (Feb 25, 2011)

ok i somehow read midway these millions of pages and posted in reference to an older post lol now it's tattoo talk lol. i don't have one myself but would love to get one. need to gain some courage. i braved birthing two kids but tattoos scare me. i guess u are all on fb together  to see these tattoo pics


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

mama said:


> ok i somehow read midway these millions of pages and posted in reference to an older post lol now it's tattoo talk lol. i don't have one myself but would love to get one. need to gain some courage. i braved birthing two kids but tattoos scare me. i guess u are all on fb together  to see these tattoo pics


We sometimes get a little sidetracked at times, but no one seems to mind too much 

Didn't hurt getting the tatt on my arm, I would suggest you avoid getting one above the bust line, across the breast bone is apparently quite painful, anywhere were the isint a lot of muscle/ fat between the skin and bone can hurt a bit I am told.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

mama said:


> *hugs* AmI i met a counsellor once that told me there is little things that happen that she referred to as 'your truths' that i would start to see which would tell me what i should do. this was when i was confused and needing direction. one of those truths came from my younger child stating that daddy was cranky all the time and that daddy was mean. i started to really pay attention to these 'truths' as sometimes it's hard to see them yourself. kids are honest and sometimes they help you see what u can't when your involved.


This is something I really really struggle with if I am honest, my children have said to me, they prefer Daddy just coming at the weekend, he doesn't swear and shout as much.. which breaks my heart, they shouldn't feel like that, and because he knew it was such an issue, he doesn't do it any more.. of course he's not spending everyday with them.
But when he does (occasionally) tuck them like he did last Sunday, my eldest whos 8, broke her heart she'd had a lovely day and didn't want him to leave


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

mama said:


> ok i somehow read midway these millions of pages and posted in reference to an older post lol now it's tattoo talk lol. i don't have one myself but would love to get one. need to gain some courage. i braved birthing two kids but tattoos scare me. i guess u are all on fb together  to see these tattoo pics


Hehe I think we've become a law unto ourselves over here! :smthumbup:

I had 3 c-sections! 3 Tattoo's were a walk in the park in comparison! hehe


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

OK...I hope AmImad isn't mad at ME. I see that my post was ignored by her. I was too hard on ya, huh babe? 

See what happens when I post before my morning coffee? 

Unlike your husband I can say "sorry" and MEAN it. It's the way I am. I'm not known for my diplomacy but unlike him, I actually FEEL your pain. I KNOW what you are going through. I've BEEN there! 

I used to CUT myself listening to that Johnny Cash song. Yeah...Cut myself.  When you have REAL internal pain over a lost love, a relationship trashed and feel that horrendous pain flowing though your veins...that what you do.  I feel a LOT Of guilt and pain over my OWN actions with respect to my husband. I often blamed myself for his alcoholism....

I don't know you personally, but I can relate to you! Seriously! I'm rooting for you! I WANT you to be happy and content regardless of whatever it is that your H does! Then you will be truly free! By "free" I mean..

If he comes back..GREAT!...if it's a HEALTHY reconciliation that is truly in your best interest. 

BUT if you don't get that reconciliation and can carry on fine then you are doing good! It'll be win-win regardless! THAT is what you are aiming for!! 

I think going into IC is a GREAT idea. It will help you SO MUCH! 

Ok, I see you've bounced back nicely. A GROUP HUG to all and everyone who have been so supportive of a person I truly think of someone special.

You have a heart of gold Ami! You have been through so much..and come through it all with shining colors! Are you perfect? Have you acted in your own best interests at all times? NO..But NONE OF US HAVE! NONE OF US are perfect! ME least of all! I'm just bi*tchier than you! :rolf: 

Despite your dumba*ss husband you've managed to BE there for your kids, get thought cancer treatment and you KEEP ON TRUCKIN!! You don't sit in a corner and sulk and have a pity party...You buy DRESSES! You are thinking of WORKING! You are awesome! :smthumbup:

You slipped, you fell, you f*cked up but you will climb back on that wagon and carry on. Even Luke Skywalker eventually went on to face and conquer the "Dark Side". :smthumbup:


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Hey Freak, here is your official invite to join my Harem, luv ya girl, you a effin brilliant


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> OK...I hope AmImad isn't mad at ME. I see that my post was ignored by her. I was too hard on ya, huh babe?
> 
> See what happens when I post before my morning coffee?
> 
> ...


Noooo I didn't ignore it?! I thought I had responded?! I didn't take it personally.. well I did and I didn't if you know what I mean?! 

*hugs* self harm is never a way out, but I know exactly where you're coming from, I have no self confidence.. it's growing now.. but I used to be starve myself before I had kids.. it's not the same thing, but I was hospitalised over it.. you see pics of me now and think how did you let yourself get like that!

I know now that he's just playing games with me, he doesn't want me, so I am walking away and going to try my hardest not to 2nd guess anything. I am going out tomorrow night with my male friend.. and I am going to be taken on a 'date' but it's as friends, he knows everything and he's not that kind of man.. 

I am going to get all dolled up, and try and look attractive! I am going to smell nice and smile.. and I am going to do it for ME!!!

Yeah I am on this stupid rollercoaster, emotions up and down, but I am getting fed up of this ride and want to get off, the only way I am going to be able too is to 'B*tch up' and move forward for myself and my babies. They are happy, they are... they've got used to the fact their daddy isn't with them all the time and they are happy regardless of that! My eldest struggles after she's seen him and he leaves the following day she's fine again! Why, because I am a good Mummy and I make life good for them, no tears, laughter, cuddles, telling them that I love them and I am never going to leave them.

I promise you, I am learning, I know I make you want to nut the wall/desk on occasion, but it's slowly sinking in. You're right we don't know each other personally, but I do actually care about each and everyone of you, seeing Cranks, Baby, and Viv's familys on facebook. I feel lucky to have you part of my life like I said albeit a tad f*cked up!

I feel honoured to have you in my life giving me a virtual kicking when I need it! AND I DO... REGULARLY!!


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Crankshaw said:


> Hey Freak, here is your official invite to join my Harem, luv ya girl, you a effin brilliant


I would consider it a great honor Dude! :smthumbup: Sign me up!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> I would consider it a great honor Dude! :smthumbup: Sign me up!


Signed, sealed and delivered (well, it would be if I knew your address, I'll send via pm instead 

AIM, yep, you are starting to '***** up' and it is a good thing, you have a bloody good time Saturday night


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> Signed, sealed and delivered (well, it would be if I knew your address, I'll send via pm instead
> 
> AIM, yep, you are starting to '***** up' and it is a good thing, you have a bloody good time Saturday night


I'm gonna try and I really mean that! I should really count myself lucky that someone is even interested in me in the first place, especially after knowing what the hell is going on with me!

The other thing is... C thinks my kids are bloody brilliant.. I wonder how H will feel about that if anything ever was to develop hmmmmmmmmmm?:scratchhead:


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

All right Ami.. I am going to dedicate this song to you!  Picture both of us giving everyone else in the world the finger and singing it over a couple of pints of Guiness! :toast: ..and everyone here that can relate please join in!! :smthumbup:

YouTube - Riptide by sick puppies w/ lyrics

*You all hate your children
They're too fat to feed
You're on medication
Taking pills to sleep
I think I'm doing just fine
Compared to what you've been doing
I won't get vaccinated
Insurance costs too much
You think you're so persuasive
But I'm not giving up
Saving my life
It's not what you're doing

I, I won't justify
The way I live my life
'Cause I'm the one livin' it
Feelin' it, tastin' it
And you're just wasting your time
Trying to throw me a line
When you're the one drowning
I like where I'm at on my back
Floating down in my own riptide
The water is fine

I like to step on cracks
I go against the odds
You think my world is flat
Do I turn you on?
Maybe, yeah I'm wrong
But I like where I'm going
I leave when others stay
I never re-decide
I don't mind if you wait
But I don't waste my time
Crazy is just fine
'Cause I like where I'm going *

Totally cool, eh?  You gotta love a band called "Sick Puppies" :rofl:


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Omg!! Seriously how mad is this my bro played this to me about 40mins ago!!! Same song no word of a lie! Mental! Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

AmImad said:


> I am going out tomorrow night with my male friend.. and I am going to be taken on a 'date' but it's as friends, he knows everything and he's not that kind of man..
> 
> I am going to get all dolled up, and try and look attractive! I am going to smell nice and smile.. and I am going to do it for ME!!!


:smthumbup: WOW! We ARE alike! I have a date tomorrow to out with a man-friend of my own! This is the COOLEST GUY! A totally dedicated bachelor dude that's never been married and never wants to be. He's MY IDOL! We belong to the same kayaking club. We hit it off GREAT!! And get this..I've been FORBIDDEN to see this guy one-on-one by my husband! :rofl: Yeah! He TOLD me not to see this guy because "married women don't hang out with single guys". :rofl::rofl:

Well, to quote my husband.."What he doesn't know won't hurt him!" Yeah, he's said that. Too bad for him. 

Thing is..You gotta GET OUT!! Just do it! You will feel so much better! Soon, you'll be wondering why you ever WANTED to be with your husband! He'll be begging you to come back and you will say "Later Dude!!" 

:smthumbup:


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Same with me & C, been friends for 7 years, complete geeks met gaming.. I didn't say that out loud  he's always had a thing for me, to the point a very long time ago I questioned my feelings for my H but I had a 15 month & a 3 month old. But I never did anything, we didn't talk for a year then starting playing wow with the same people & got talking again. We're just hanging out... H doesn't even know... but get this last week he gave me permission to see C.. I'm guessing he didn't think I actually would?... lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

OK i'm starting to envy you all. Honestly I want out tomorrow with somebody that will like me enough to want to spend time with me.My H. doesn't give a s*it too much what I'm doing here,he's not in a hurry to take me out or to spend time with me .
All I want is to pour my heart out to him (not to argue) ,to hug him kiss him and all he wants to do is talk about this stupid boat that he liked...I had to listen to that for 30 min and pretend it makes me happy.
I'm excited he want's to do all this with us BUT i'm hurting .I hate that I can't tell him over the phone that I miss him and Love him.Seems like he is not on that page at all.

AmI ...have a blast tomm,i'm excited for you.
Freak..you too girl. BTW i really would like to put a face to that jeep, now that i know how the rest of the group looks like.... Not pushy ...only if you have a spare picture laying around.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I'm gonna try and I really mean that! I should really count myself lucky that someone is even interested in me in the first place, especially after knowing what the hell is going on with me!
> 
> The other thing is... C thinks my kids are bloody brilliant.. I wonder how H will feel about that if anything ever was to develop hmmmmmmmmmm?:scratchhead:


It is a bonus that he thinks so highly of your kids, and who the heck cares what you H thinks...


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

vivea said:


> OK i'm starting to envy you all. Honestly I want out tomorrow with somebody that will like me enough to want to spend time with me.


damn I sometimes hate living on the other side of the world to you people!



> My H. doesn't give a s*it too much what I'm doing here,he's not in a hurry to take me out or to spend time with me .
> All I want is to pour my heart out to him (not to argue) ,to hug him kiss him and all he wants to do is talk about this stupid boat that he liked...I had to listen to that for 30 min and pretend it makes me happy.


After you have a physic test done on him, take him to an optometrist !



> I'm excited he want's to do all this with us BUT i'm hurting .I hate that I can't tell him over the phone that I miss him and Love him.Seems like he is not on that page at all.






> AmI ...have a blast tomm,i'm excited for you.
> Freak..you too girl. BTW i really would like to put a face to that jeep, now that i know how the rest of the group looks like.... Not pushy ...only if you have a spare picture laying around.


For sure, I would love to see the real Freak


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Omg!! Seriously how mad is this my bro played this to me about 40mins ago!!! Same song no word of a lie! Mental! Lol


Is it not the GREATEST song? :smthumbup: Talk about Karma! I was reading your post and heard it and said "YEAH, that is SO much OUR SONG!!"

I gotta download this on my IPod..:smthumbup:


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

AmImad said:


> RE cameras: I am looking for a SLR camera.. either a Nikon or Canon,


I like Canon. I have one from way back in '03 and it still takes great pics. Got a Canon for my daughter and she loves it. I TOLD my husband to get one and he got this trick one that is waterproof, shockproof and has all sort of accessories. Great for kayaking. . Where the heck is that camera? I gotta steal it from him....He'll never miss it! :rofl:


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Crankshaw said:


> For sure, I would love to see the real Freak


:rofl: That could be tough...:scratchhead: For years I wasn't crazy about how I looked. It wasn't until VERY recently (after I lost a TON of weight) that I felt I looked good and before that I definitely discouraged any pics of me. I don't even have any of me anymore that capture "me". I've changed a LOT. 

Maybe my friend has some from kayaking. I now my H has some but I'm not about to ask him. 

I know..it's weird in this world where everyone takes pics and more pics of themselves and everyone else but that isn't me. 

Now if you want a pic of my Jeep or my other cars or where I've gone in the past 10 years or my kids..but me? Hmmm...

Yeah, I'm bizarre. :rofl:


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Yeah, I'm bizarre. :rofl:


we already know that, we just want to know what the face of bizarre looks like 

four of the ladies from here are FB friends of mine, and I gotta tell ya, they are all stunning !


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I'll find something..Hmmmm..

Pics, pics, pics..:scratchhead: Guess I'll have to have my daughter take some. She's good at that.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> I'll find something..Hmmmm..
> 
> Pics, pics, pics..:scratchhead: Guess I'll have to have my daughter take some. She's good at that.


less talk, more action (g.d.r) 

V8 Supercar racing on at the moment, might have to sit and watch that for a while


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I just went and looked through BOTH computers for pics. THEN went though all my discs..no pics of myself. I'm serious. 

I'll have my daughter take some. 

Supercar racing? What is that? I used to run my Mustang and Miata on alot of the big NASCAR tracks so it's fun to watch racing on those tracks..

"Oh, I remember Turn 3 at Charlotte, I crashed into the tire wall there..that air bag sure made a LOUD noise when it went off!"

"I remember the Diving Turn at Lime Rock ,that's where my muffler fell off"

"Oh yeah, the straightaway before the tunnel at Pocono, that's where that roll of paper towels I forgot to remove from the back seat blew out the back at 145 mph..what a racket THAT made! :rofl:"

"Oh yeah, that was the South Course at Pocono...that's where my power steering rack blew fluid all over the track, the guy behind me sure was PISSED when that happened! "

Those were the days..:rofl:


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

The official site of V8 Supercars Australia - v8supercars.com.au


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

So these cars have V8s..they look like from the factory they have smaller OHC engines but they put in V8s? :scratchhead: Sounds a lot like NASCAR. 

In NASCAR the bodies of the car look the same and they have to built a CERTAIN way. Last time I checked, that was a pushrod V8 engine even if it comes with a smaller OHC multi valve engine from the factory. Pretty amusing actually. 

My 5.0 Mustang was actually closer to a Winston Cup stock car than the factory cars they were patterned after. I was at a show once and there was a Monte Carlo parked there and I got underneath and said "Yeah, looks JUST like my Stang!" ..Torque Arm, panhard bars, coil overs...PLUS it had a 351 pushrod Windsor..

I've been OUT of that game for about 10 years. I know they allow Toyotas in Winston Cup now (it's not even called Winston Cup anymore!)..so I guess who knows what else has changed! :scratchhead:

If I had money I'd buy another Miata and go into what's called "Spec Miata". You buy a Miata and build it to certain specs that's mandated by Mazda and race the car. They are all the same..it's the nut behind the wheel that determines who does best. It's considered an relatively "affordable" way to race as an amateur. My Miata wasn't as fast as my Stang but it was BY FAR the most fun and best all around sports car I'd ever driven. 

Or Vintage racing. That is SO cool! I used to love going to see the old style race cars run. I had a good friend who was on the board of the Shelby American Auto Club. He got me into road racing. I used to attend the annual Shelby American convention and see vintage Shelbys and Cobras run on the track. I did tech inspection and got free track time too! :smthumbup:

Did I ever tell you my daughter's name? It's Shelby. My son's name is Harley.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I love how this thread has taken yet another turn! Hahah we are 'awesome' 

WELLLLLLLL today is gonna be a hard day, H is coming to take the kids out and whilst he is out with them (which I still struggle with tbh ) I am going to preparing for my 'date' god that sounds weird 

I don't know how I am going to do this to be honest.... I wish it was my H, driving 3 hours to take me out


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Well, when you drop the kids off tell him to have a nice day (that's IT!!) and then go and have fun on your date, have a few drinks, relax, engage in conversation and DO NOT call, text or go on facebook with your husband!

That's an order! 

I guess you are up now? It's Saturday on your side of the world? Here it is too but it's 3:30 am. It's nice to be able to stay up as late as I want! For most of the night I had the apartment to myself and I'm going to go upstairs to my daughter's bedroom and crash in my old king sized bed. It used to be mine but now my daughter sleeps in the master bedroom (my son is in the other one). I sleep downstairs on the nice futon in the living room. 

But when she's not home I use her bedroom. I rather miss that big bed. It's really comfortable. I'm glad I insisted she take it. When she goes off to college I intend to reclaim it. 

Then I'll get up tomorrow, do breakfast with my daughter after I pick her up from her friend's house and head down to my buddy's place. He has a Miata and is wondering if he can take off his quarter panel. I told him I'd have a look and in return he can check out the wiring for the blinker lights on the new fenders I plan to install on my Jeep. 

Don't you just LOVE romantic relationships?  :rofl:


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Ok, today when my son told me my H called him and made arrangements to pick him up I considered at least texting him. I guess part of me had wished he called me too..believe it or not. 

THEN I thought about it some more....

I remembered all the Friday nights he ruined for me with his antics. How if and when I DID see him he ruined the night by at the very least being a complete bore or being moody, argumentative, etc, etc...Or started in on me about something I said or did in 1996..:slap:

Or he did something like demand that I take him home early when I was having a good time and thus trash my entire evening.

Or just wanted to sit outside in 30 degree weather while I watched him drink and smoke for 6 hours straight...

Or the times we went to bed together and basically acted bored or disinterested. Didn't kiss or talk or do much of anything..

So..I decided that it was a GOOD thing not to be getting calls from him. So I bought dinner and some wine and came home. And I've had a nice, relaxing, stress free evening as a result. 

Ami, the next time you get the temptation to call him or text him, think about all the CRAP your husband has done and why you wouldn't WANT to see him.
And hopefully you'll decide otherwise. 

Have a GREAT DAY!! Goodnight! Time for :sleeping:


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Thanks Freak,

Its almost 8am here, H will be getting here in 1.5 hours, is going to do something with the kids and I've asked that he is back by 4pm. 

He still isn't aware I am going out for the evening...

I don't know how to behave when I see him today I am actually more nervous of seeing my H than this 'date' because I know I will be myself, whereas around my H I feel like I am treading on egg shells. 

I AM SINGLE DAMMIT!!! H sent me a fb msg last night saying...

*Thats song hurt...It just made me think that things could have been different maybe but we're too far along for all that.*

So it's all just mind games. I need to stop thinking about him!

I need to go out, let my hair down, have a few drinks, a bite to eat and enjoy the company of a 'normal' man.. (if such things exist lol) 

It could well and truly screw up things with the H, but hey, he's already done that hasn't he? I mean i've been trying to 'fix' things for the last 4.5months, he's not interested.. I was going to give it until 27th April.. (6months) I think I need to be finding a solicitor now to be honest..


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> So these cars have V8s..they look like from the factory they have smaller OHC engines but they put in V8s? :scratchhead: Sounds a lot like NASCAR.


these cars come from the factory with V8, they are basically of the factory floor, strip it, roll cage it, race it (ok, bit more involved, but you get the idea !)



> Did I ever tell you my daughter's name? It's Shelby. My son's name is Harley.


why am I not surprised


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I think I need to be finding a solicitor now to be honest..


wouldn't hurt, you dont have to actually do anything, but at least you will know where you stand legally.

xx


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> wouldn't hurt, you dont have to actually do anything, but at least you will know where you stand legally.
> 
> xx


It's just a bit too scary and final if you know what I mean? It's like admitting we're done for good...


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> It's just a bit too scary and final if you know what I mean? It's like admitting we're done for good...


yeah, I know


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> I'll find something..Hmmmm..
> 
> Pics, pics, pics..:scratchhead: Guess I'll have to have my daughter take some. She's good at that.


Just added some pics on facebook of what you lot have been forcing me to do on a regular basis lately :

Login | Facebook


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## alicewonderland (Feb 11, 2011)

I have been following your story too and its scary to think that its over. I spent 2 months crying not understanding what was going on until the mistress appeared. Now slowly I am getting used to being on my own with the kids and like my councillor said to me" learn to live with yourself not live on your own". I have contacted a solicitor which I will see next week but they are expensive......will let you know what he says. Its hard to make that move but give yourself time to adjust. Be nice to yourself you deserve it!!


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## alicewonderland (Feb 11, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> Just added some pics on facebook of what you lot have been forcing me to do on a regular basis lately :
> 
> Login | Facebook


I saw the photos and think this was a great idea!!!!!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

alicewonderland said:


> I saw the photos and think this was a great idea!!!!!


yeah, there is a bit of a running joke going on, but the weights work is actually good for me


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Thanks Freak,
> 
> Its almost 8am here, H will be getting here in 1.5 hours, is going to do something with the kids and I've asked that he is back by 4pm.
> 
> ...


Why are these men so heartless? And they say we are the ones playing mind games! Ugh. My H doesn't comment on things on facebook because he says it always gets him in trouble with me. So he's taken to just "liking" things. Well, all except my stuff unless it's a direct quote from the kids. Last night, from his phone, he likes one of those random pages, and this was it:
*I want to be the girl he's scared to lose; the one where he can't walk away from knowing she's mad at him, The one who can't fall asleep without her voice being the last one he hears. the one he can't live without.*
Now why the heck would he "like" that? It's exactly how I am feeling.  And he had to have seen it on someone's page and not realized it would post on his news feed, just thought he'd let them know he liked it. Hope it wasn't the ex. But I know it wasn't intended for me. I just "liked" it too so he knew that I saw it. But won't bring it up in conversation. But it's totally killed me, I feel like I'm stuck to the floor. And he has no idea.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Ok people, well he saw the kids, had a great time by all accounts, ( didn't go) he left and we all cried 

Now the clock is ticking.. and I my friend will be here in half hour.. I am in a dress! I smell lovely, and I have subtle make up.. but I feel like poo... now where's the vodka!?


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Have fun my girl!!


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## mama (Feb 25, 2011)

so how did your date go amI? i hope all went well and you felt a lot better once it started. 

crank, i can't view your pics on fb.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

AmImad said:


> I AM SINGLE DAMMIT!!! H sent me a fb msg last night saying...
> 
> *Thats song hurt...It just made me think that things could have been different maybe but we're too far along for all that.*
> 
> ...


He is playing mind games. That is a lot of bull. It's not too late to "fix" things and he knows it. But if he keeps this up it will be because it's not a matter of "if" you move on but "when".

Sure, go see a solictor (I assume that's a lawyer) if you can afford it. They do a consultation for no charge. I did one years ago and am thinking of doing the same thing just to see what I'm up against. I'd also check online and see what laws/rights would apply to you. Here in the States it's different in every state.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Ok people, well he saw the kids, had a great time by all accounts, ( didn't go) he left and we all cried
> 
> Now the clock is ticking.. and I my friend will be here in half hour.. I am in a dress! I smell lovely, and I have subtle make up.. but I feel like poo... now where's the vodka!?


It's better that you didn't go. That's just the thing you DO NOT want to do. Great self control and good going!

:smthumbup: Now you go out and have a great time and knock 'em dead girlfriend! 

Don't drink too much and i hope you don't talk too much about the H....

Well, whatever. I'm not sure about what's going on with my day. My buddy has a friend who recently had a tragic lost with her grandson and asked to have breakfast with him. He told me he would be doing this and would call me. Haven't heard from him and it's 3pm so it looks like the tentative plans we had to do a hike and lunch are out. 

I left him a message and said I'd be into dinner. He's recently started a new job that has him starting work at 4:30 am so I'm wondering if he'll be into a late night. If not I guess some other time. Kinda wanted to have a nice time chatting with him. He's a cool guy and we get on so well. 

I'll probably see him next week because it's Paddlesport (BIG kayaking show that everyone goes to). 

My daughter got blown off by her friend and has no plans I offered to take her to dinner if I don't go out and she said "Oh mom, we do that all the time!" Geez... 

I'd invite to go see this cool band I'm thinking of heading out to see later but there's this problem with her being under 21. I do need to find some drinking buddies that can appreciate my taste in music. That's REALLY hard to find at my age and one thing I really do miss about my husband. 

Oh well. If I have to spend the night playing World of Warcraft so be it. I'll save money. Not every weekend has to be Party Central. That is one thing my H was right about me..I have this constant desire to constantly be DOING something that requires going and eating, dancing, etc. Sometimes it's fine to chill out too. 

Anyway Ami, get back on here and tell us how it went!


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> AmImad~
> 
> You are still in contact. You may not email. You may not text (as much). But now you are in contact via facebook.
> 
> ...


This. You are addicted to your husband and he knows how to keep you craving.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

> the longer you stay in this contact, the longer you prolong your agony. If you could only actually end ALL CONTACT--I mean ALL...ALL of it. Every single bit! No phone, no texts, no email, no facebook, no IM's, no letters, no NOTHING...you could start to recover! It breaks my heart to see you suffer day-in and day-out knowing that you are doing this to yourself.
> 
> Please, I implore you find a way to end ALL contact!!! You will probably need to find a friend who can take messages for you, because I guarantee once you really end contact he will try every trick possible to try to get you to contact him again--feigning depression, making up dramas or "emergencies", demanding, using the children...all kinds of tricks. That is because HE has issues that are his responsibility to work on and he won't face them.
> 
> But before All that can happen, you just absolutely HAVE TO break this dependence on him. Delete your facebook page and stop looking at his!!!! Change your cell phone number. Close your email and start a new one. Do whatever you have to do to stop yourself from hurting yourself like this over and over and over. Seriously, please stop.


Well, this looks like familiar advice! 

I agree that stopping ALL contact is the way to go. I haven't seen my husband in almost two weeks and except for our brief conversation last Sunday where he tried his stupid guilt trip on me I haven't talked to him in over a week and I can say that it's made me feel stronger and better than I ever have. There are days that I want to just shout "I am TRULY happy!"

But unfortunately AmImad is in the same situation as me. She has kids and is financially dependent on her H. She has to work out a balance between no contact (I'd call it low contact) and being emotionally distraught and involved with her H. 

I agree that she's gotten a LOT better but things like Facebook are still her proverbial Achilles Heel and until she musters up the nerve to cut these things off she won't progress forward. 

The less contact the better so if you can't have NO contact then you have to whittle down your points of contact to be as MINIMAL as possible and then you have to keep it purely objective and business like. No coy innuendos like "well, you don't want to see me" or discussions about lyrics in songs. NONE of that! 

Plus, let him initiate contact with the kids. They are HIS kids too and if he wants to see them, then let him start it. Toss the ball in his court and make him scramble for it. In other words, don't bring the kids to him, don't let him in the door of the house..have the kids ready to go and let them out to greet him. And no doing such things as letting them get tucked into bed. I mean, that's just crazy to let him play "house". Talk about having your cake and eating it too!

HE left. HE walked out and abandoned a family. Now he has to live with the consequences. Don't make things easy for him! No play acting. If he wants to be a daddy then he has to start taking the steps for a true reconciliation..none of this BS "pretend" stuff. That's how I see it. I'm glad others agree because I was starting to wonder if I was the only crazy one.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I know it's hard to have no contact..I've been there myself...

I used to try and make it easy for my husband. I would drive my husband to my apartment to hang out with us, go to his place and sleep over. Bring my son to and from his apartment. I got nothing but grief and hassle. Then it occurred to me that I wanted none of his crap and he has to do it for himself. 

Last weekend was a perfect example. I said "no more, you want to see your son then it's on you." So he blew off our son and NO ONE called him all weekend. When he called up whining about how no one cares about him he got an "Oh well, too bad".

THIS week he called my son and told him he was coming over to pick him up. By the time I got home from work my son was gone. 

So it works. But I have to go over to his house tomorrow to get some of my stuff out of his house so I'm going to have to extremely careful about how I proceed with him. My plan is to go in, get my stuff, be polite and leave. If he starts his crap then I'll just say nothing or "I'd rather not discuss this." 

I think..hope...I'm capable of this. ray:


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> *I want to be the girl he's scared to lose; the one where he can't walk away from knowing she's mad at him, The one who can't fall asleep without her voice being the last one he hears. the one he can't live without.*
> Now why the heck would he "like" that? It's exactly how I am feeling.


'Like' can also mean 'agree' , doesn't mean you actually like the comment, but you acknowledge the comment.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Ok people, well he saw the kids, had a great time by all accounts, ( didn't go) he left and we all cried
> 
> Now the clock is ticking.. and I my friend will be here in half hour.. I am in a dress! I smell lovely, and I have subtle make up.. but I feel like poo... now where's the vodka!?


hoping you had a really good, fun time !!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So glad everyone here also like thes F*** you song! It's wonderful, isn't it? and appropriate to so many of our stories! 

Mad, he is an idiot. Don't sweat him. Go out and enjoy yourself and find people who enjoy your company. Did you ever go out with your dude friend?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I am in a dress! I smell lovely, and I have subtle make up.. but I feel like poo...* now where's the vodka*!?




Okay, I instantly like you just for that last sentence


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

mama said:


> so how did your date go amI? i hope all went well and you felt a lot better once it started.
> 
> crank, i can't view your pics on fb.


I thow them up somewhere else then 


Uploaded with ImageShack.us

Relaxing in the recliner my sister gave me 



Uploaded with ImageShack.us

Cold shower, or weights 



Uploaded with ImageShack.us

Thanks Freak, getting some muscle tone back after the sudden weight loss


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Okay, I instantly like you just for that last sentence


:rofl:


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Okay, I instantly like you just for that last sentence


As long as it's not RUM. I HATE rum because that's the crap my husband lives off of. The smell of it makes me sick. 

I'm more of a beer/wine person myself.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

:smthumbupamn Crank..you be lookin' GOOD Mate!  :ezpi_wink1:

You be a good lookin' guy! We'd make a great pair. 

Yeah, I'll have to have my daughter take some pics of me. 

My buddy called. He's all set to go out to dinner. He wants to find a place by the water so we can check out the "super" full moon. Of course TONIGHT it's supposed to be freezing..

So now I have to go and get myself all dolled up! See ya'll later! :toast:


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> :smthumbupamn Crank..you be lookin' GOOD Mate!  :ezpi_wink1:
> 
> You be a good lookin' guy! We'd make a great pair.


 , not use to compliments about my looks, thanks 



> Yeah, I'll have to have my daughter take some pics of me.


Sounds like a good plan to me (and I am not telling you who took those pics)



> My buddy called. He's all set to go out to dinner. He wants to find a place by the water so we can check out the "super" full moon. Of course TONIGHT it's supposed to be freezing..


Brilliant, full moon, stars in the sky, nothing more beautiful in nature, even if it is freezing cold !



> So now I have to go and get myself all dolled up! See ya'll later! :toast:


have a great time lady


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Look at you, Crank, working out and gettin all buff! Awesome. Love that you called that the "reclining chair." HAHAHAHA



Freak On a Leash said:


> As long as it's not RUM. I HATE rum because that's the crap my husband lives off of. The smell of it makes me sick.
> 
> I'm more of a beer/wine person myself.


I'm an equal opportunity drinker: vodka, rum, beer, and wine. I love it all and don't discriminate 

Have a blast tonight, Freak! :smthumbup:


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Super fast update, amazing Thai food, back @ mine drinking wine, chatting & film on in the background,no mention of H, go me....! Oh & he bought me perfume, that smells divine!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oooh sounds like someone's got a little crush on Mad!!! 

Now get off the computer and enjoy yourself, lady!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Look at you, Crank, working out and gettin all buff! Awesome. Love that you called that the "reclining chair." HAHAHAHA


buff ?? na, I use to always be pretty fit, but never 'buff'. 
The first 2 months of separation I lost about 30lb, and a whole lot of muscle tone, I was looking pretty flabby. Just trying to get back some muscle tone, thats all 

The recliner, damn comfortable I'll tell ya, my sister gave me that, another matching chair and a 2 seater, I have gone to sleep (watching the widescreen TV she also gave me) on the recliner & the 2 seater a couple of times 



> I'm an equal opportunity drinker: vodka, rum, beer, and wine. I love it all and don't discriminate


My drink of choice is:



and lemonade 

And I haven't even raided the drink cabinet so far, mind you, there have been a couple of times I thought about it 



> Have a blast tonight, Freak! :smthumbup:


:iagree:


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

*Drinks?*

Oooh, oooh my turn now!! 

I can't get into beer. Smells like urine and tastes very sour. 
I am a red wine woman...give me some full bodied Shiraz and steak any day.
Mr.G loves scotch. I can't drink it; it burns too much. I love the smell though..mixed with the heady scent of fine cigars.
Champagne is my drink too; I love Moet. I need to try Dom one day though. :smthumbup:


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Look at you gals go. AmI with her new perfume & Freak with her night under the stars...

I went hiking with my fav guy - my son who refused to go with daddy after he yelled at me.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Super fast update, amazing Thai food, back @ mine drinking wine, chatting & film on in the background,no mention of H, go me....! Oh & he bought me perfume, that smells divine!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:smthumbup::smthumbup: you go girl


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

*Re: Drinks?*



Mrs.G said:


> Oooh, oooh my turn now!!


:rofl:



> I can't get into beer. Smells like urine and tastes very sour.
> I am a red wine woman...give me some full bodied Shiraz and steak any day.
> Mr.G loves scotch. I can't drink it; it burns too much. I love the smell though..mixed with the heady scent of fine cigars.
> Champagne is my drink too; I love Moet. I need to try Dom one day though. :smthumbup:


don't mind the odd white wine, red wine I have never really liked


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Babyheart said:


> Look at you gals go. AmI with her new perfume & Freak with her night under the stars...
> 
> I went hiking with my fav guy - my son who refused to go with daddy after he yelled at me.


******, and I am missing out, I have been filing & sanding weatherboards on the house to pretty the entrance area up so it is a bit more sales friendly.

A night out on the town, a night under the stars, hiking, I'm jealous of you all !!


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Super fast update, amazing Thai food, back @ mine drinking wine, chatting & film on in the background,no mention of H, go me....! Oh & he bought me perfume, that smells divine!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi Five!! How about a rebound shag? Sometimes meaningless sex can be helpful with the right mindset. 
Just a naughty idea.  When I was single, I lived it up!


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## mama (Feb 25, 2011)

gotta watch those rebound shags lol if your head is in the right place go for it. 

i seen your pics crank. congrats on the weight loss, did you say it was around 30lbs? i need to get back to losing weight that i've put on in the past few weeks since sep. i see that it was your pic of the tattoo you got. i think u said you had more? i love tattoos and piercings but only had guts to get my ears pierced. thought about other piercings because they are faster then tattoos and not as permanent however haven't worked up the courage yet. maybe after i am done with my new self discovery i will do it just to say i did. something meaningful. 

my drink of choice is anything except beer (ick) and wine (headaches and don't like the taste). i tried to get into wine many times, many brands and kinds but didn't happen. i like mixed drinks. kaluha and milk, peach schnapps and OJ, screwdrivers, ceasars, bailey's, rum and coke or eggnog, etc etc etc. lately i've been feeling the need to make myself a drink to chill out but i haven't. i know it's not for the right reasons and it's not too good to drink alone. oh well, for now the alcohol sits in my cupboard. 

has anyone else lost weight or gained weight since your sep? anyone doing WW


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Mrs.G said:


> Hi Five!! How about a rebound shag? Sometimes meaningless sex can be helpful with the right mindset.
> Just a naughty idea.  When I was single, I lived it up!


:rofl: :rofl:

Mrs G, your'e awful


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

mama said:


> gotta watch those rebound shags lol if your head is in the right place go for it.


or at least don't talk about around those of us who have been missing out for a few months now ! 



> i seen your pics crank. congrats on the weight loss, did you say it was around 30lbs?


15kg x 2.2 = 33lb



> i need to get back to losing weight that i've put on in the past few weeks since sep.


watch what you were going to eat (ie: stop eating!) and walk 4km every night. Worked for me , mind you, I was pretty weak, both body & mind, oh, it helps to have a sever case of depression 



> i see that it was your pic of the tattoo you got. i think u said you had more?


I have that one that you can see, and a beetle on my forearm that I did myself when I was 15 (and drunk) using a mapping pen!



> i love tattoos and piercings but only had guts to get my ears pierced. thought about other piercings because they are faster then tattoos and not as permanent however haven't worked up the courage yet. maybe after i am done with my new self discovery i will do it just to say i did. something meaningful.


If you are going to get a tatt, make damn sure it is what you really want, and it has to have some significant meaning to you.



> my drink of choice is anything except beer (ick) and wine (headaches and don't like the taste). i tried to get into wine many times, many brands and kinds but didn't happen. i like mixed drinks. kaluha and milk, peach schnapps and OJ, screwdrivers, ceasars, bailey's, rum and coke or eggnog, etc etc etc. lately i've been feeling the need to make myself a drink to chill out but i haven't. i know it's not for the right reasons and it's not too good to drink alone. oh well, for now the alcohol sits in my cupboard.


pretty much number reason I haven't raided the drink cabinet


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

OK, so it must be about just after 7am AIM time, she must have had a good night !!!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Look at you, Crank, working out and gettin all buff! Awesome. Love that you called that the "reclining chair." HAHAHAHA


Sorry for this, but :


Think I might have a fair way to go before I am 'buff' 

p,s left forearm, thats the other tatt I have.

I think that wa up for long enough


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## Gammyleg (Jan 12, 2011)

The US has Kronk, AUS has Crank. lol


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> OK, so it must be about just after 7am AIM time, she must have had a good night !!!


You cheeky wotsit!!! 

Ok **Ami's update**

I had a very nice evening, like I said he took me to a thai restaurant (in his sports car  ) we had an amazing meal, with lots of sharing, we chatted about his job, photography, life in general, the restaurant was buzzing, but I felt like I was the only woman in there, he looked at me constantly, lots of smiling and laughing, and made me feel really attractive.. complimented on my hair, I said I was thinking of changing it and said no I was perfect as I was...anyway.. we went back to my house, I think I mentioned he actually lives 2 hours away from me, so my children stayed at my parents the night, (they have already met him in the past but I didn't think it appropriate at this time) soooo he sat with a bottle of red and I had white, we had the tv on, but mainly sat talking, on the same 2 seater sofa, it was nice and cosy.. a complete gent... talked to 1am, then I started to lag, not getting much sleep taking it's toll. So we shared a bed, with my lovely new sheets that I bought! We cuddled up, something that I really missed, then we had a little kiss.... having only kissed one man for the last 15 years it was really weird..enjoyable but weird.. anythewhoo... well yeah.. the wine took it's toll.. and one thing led to another.. ya know what I am saying.. again completely different, no gory details, but again was made to feel like the most gorgeous person in the world, no talking, just very gentle... we cuddled after..and I felt as guilty as sin.. 

This morning, we laid in bed talking, setting the worlds to rights, talked about growing up, playing games, pc's, cars and he talked endlessly about what a good mum I am, that my children are a credit to me, he said he had never really thought about having children before... until now....

Forward wind a few hours, he's driving home, I am back at my parents, crying my eyes out because I felt like I had cheated on my H.. even though he is the one that had an affair and left me... 

But the thing I realised was I felt guilty because I had a good time and I was attracted to someone else. I feel guilty because I enjoyed every part of it. But I do kinda regret sleeping with him, but I think I needed to feel something..after so much rejection, I was craving something, I wanted to feel attractive, special, wanted.. I didn't have a clear head..
I regret that my H put me in this position in the first place.


My H was out again last night, something he never did before, but now he does all the time, I don't know what he was doing, who he was with, who he was doing?! But he is doing whatever he wants, he's made it very clear that he doesn't want me... 

I am soooo very tired of trying to make this work... I am not looking to jump into relationship by any stretch of the imagine. I miss my H more than anything in the world, but he has screwed me over, I deserve better than that and yeah I hurt so much.. but I need to stand up for myself and NOT put up with it.. tonight.. I'm removing him as a facebook friend, I am going to do what I need to do, I am cutting myself off, if he is seeing someone else, then I have to stop myself, I won't be able to cope otherwise. I don't need to see what is going on in his 'single' life. 

I now know I don't 'need' him, that other men are attracted to me. Last night showed that. C just texted to tell me he's home safe and sound and he wants to see me again... he'd like to spend time with me and the children... I don't know what will happen further down the line....*shrugs*

In short, girl had fun... now girl super confuddled...


*edited to say I fully expect to be torn a new one, I do love my stupid husband ARGH!*


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Gammyleg said:


> The US has Kronk, AUS has Crank. lol


Cranks new groove lol!


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Just packed my gym bag and put it in the truck :bounce: ....put the Bit*ch Bible in my purse and I'm all set.... :smthumbup:


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

rome2012 said:


> Just packed my gym bag and put it in the truck :bounce: ....put the Bit*ch Bible in my purse and I'm all set.... :smthumbup:


Good for you Girly!!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Cranks new groove lol!






rome2012 said:


> Just packed my gym bag and put it in the truck :bounce: ....put the Bit*ch Bible in my purse and I'm all set.... :smthumbup:


bloody good for you !!



> I now know I don't 'need' him, that other men are attracted to me. Last night showed that.


Crank told ya that more than once 



> C just texted to tell me he's home safe and sound and he wants to see me again... he'd like to spend time with me and the children...


Good to hear, makes me happy, and just to makes things clear the above mentioned 'C is not Cranck 



> I don't know what will happen further down the line....*shrugs*


Life would be a bit boring if we knew exactly what was going to happen in the future 



> In short, girl had fun... now girl super confuddled...


Gald girl had fun, about time for her, as for being super confuddled, not to be surprised at but girl should know that, IMO, she has done nothing wrong, and should be happy & proud of herself.


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## mama (Feb 25, 2011)

AmI i'm glad you had a wonderful night. i know it's hard for me to say but you shouldn't feel guilty. he has moved on so it's time you do too. don't feel guilty that you ended up being intimate. your both 2 consenting adults.  

what is a ***** bible? lol


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

mama said:


> AmI i'm glad you had a wonderful night. i know it's hard for me to say but you shouldn't feel guilty. he has moved on so it's time you do too. don't feel guilty that you ended up being intimate. your both 2 consenting adults.
> 
> what is a ***** bible? lol



 I guess, but I feel bad.. like I said it was so different.. 
I'm kinda glad I know everything still works lol!


Why Men Love *****es: From Doormat to Dreamgirl - A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship: Amazon.co.uk: Sherry Argov: Books

It's bloody awesome, taught me a lot! Thanks to Rome2012 xx


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I guess, but I feel bad.. like I said it was so different..
> I'm kinda glad I know everything still works lol!


:rofl:

bit worried about that for myself I think


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Ok this is going to seem really Out there.. and not very Amimad-ness.. but I am beginning to wonder if I am still 'in love' with the H... I know I know.. it's sounding odd after all that I have written recently but here's the thing..

I get messages from 'C' and I sit and smile, even laugh at times.. I get a message from 'L' and I get upset, angry, confused sometimes all of the above... there's a big difference here.. C wants to talk to me and make me laugh, my H on the other hand wants to seemingly make me miserable... he wants to have power over me, he likes seeing me crying.. Why? Why would anyone want to do that?.. the thing is.. my H has always had the power over me and I've never really noticed it before...

If you love someone you don't treat them like that.. he didn't think about me when he started talking to another woman, he didn't think about how I would feel, I didn't cross his mind when he told her he loved her... How could I ever forgive this seriously? I am the mother of his 3 children, I almost lost my life.... I gave up so much for him..
He didn't think about the way I was feeling when he boarded a plane.. infact he put all the blame on me.. Of course, I forced him to do it didn't I?

He IS a bully Freak you're right beautiful, but I am not gonna sit and be scared any more.. He doesn't want me, then fine he's lost me, deleted off facebook, msgs being ignored unless important and about the children, I've done it.. I know I said he treated me like a queen, but going over all the things he has done to me in the past 15 years, those good things came at a price... I need to stop protecting him.. he is accountable for his own actions.... I wasn't always at fault..

I think I have been bullied so much, I've been convinced I can't be without him.. but I've been doing it for almost 5 months. I've proved Im attractive to someone else, even Mr Crank tells me I am! (although I question his eyesight  )

I think I am confused about 'in' love with him, I do love him don't get me wrong, but maybe it's not the right kind of love.. why should I give my heart to someone that can treat me that way after so long? ...... what if he came home.. and I forgave him, grew to trust him.. could I do this again? what if he found someone else he was attracted to.. could I really put myself through all of that again?... the answer my friends is .... NOT F*CKING LIKELY!!!

So *takes a deep breath* with all your help, I am going to do this, I am going to fully give up, cut him out.... anytime I feel like texting him or replying, I am going to come on here.. I am going to have a good ol rant and get it out of my system..

Crank keeps me going on facebook when I am low and I wish I could give him a good ol squeeze... 'C' makes me feel wanted.. he doesn't tell me I am attractive, he just makes me feel it.... and my H?... well he just makes me feel sick... 

/end rant...


I bloody love you all *hugs*


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

1st up, my eyesight is fine (when I am wearing my glasses, and I quite often wear my glasses when I using the computer!)

2nd the tide has turned, our scared little girl is finally coming out of her shell, finally starting to believe in herself, and it is a good thing 

As for FB, thats what friends are for, if I am around I am more than happy to chat, to support, to joke, to be a little cheeky


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Oh Ami I was so happy to read your post, and am so thrilled you had a great night. You needed it so very much. 

I know it made you feel all sorts of things, good & bad, but it sounds like it was exactly what was needed to get your life back on track.

Now where is Freak or is she too busy elsewhere to chime in...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Babyheart said:


> Oh Ami I was so happy to read your post, and am so thrilled you had a great night. You needed it so very much.
> 
> I know it made you feel all sorts of things, good & bad, but it sounds like it was exactly what was needed to get your life back on track.
> 
> Now where is Freak or is she too busy elsewhere to chime in...


I know.. I think what I did last night, although a little bit ashamed of myself.. I needed to do it for me, 1 to prove I still could! :lol:

But my eyes are fully open HELLO the B*stard [email protected] cheated on me... ME!!! How f*cking dare he...!!!!! No more Mrs Nice!!

Ms B*tch is in the building and here to stay!!!!! :2gunsfiring_v1::BoomSmilie_anim:

Now where's Freak with my Gold Star!! Also where is Vivea?! She's not allowed to be lurking in the R forums! She needs to be here DAGNABBIT!!


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Crankshaw said:


> :rofl: :rofl:
> 
> Mrs G, your'e awful


I know, right? I'm going to hell in a hand basket. Mr.G is the only one who could tame this vixen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I know.. I think what I did last night, although a little bit ashamed of myself.. I needed to do it for me, 1 to prove I still could! :lol:
> 
> But my eyes are fully open HELLO the B*stard [email protected] cheated on me... ME!!! How f*cking dare he...!!!!! No more Mrs Nice!!
> 
> ...


HUZZAH!!!!!!!


:allhail::allhail::allhail:


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Mrs.G said:


> I know, right? I'm going to hell in a hand basket. Mr.G is the only one who could tame this vixen.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


have a nice trip :rofl:


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Ami, nothing wrong with some sinful pleasure after what you have been through. Let yourself be a little naughty! It's ok as long as you are using condoms and protecting your heart. You have enough presence of mind to know that this shag was NOT the beginning of a relationship.
Ahh, my glory days. I was 23, thin, broke and hot. I had my adolescence in my early twenties, because I had NO freedom as a teenager. I made up for lost time and had my flings, one nighters, FWB's and heartbreaks. I read my journals from that time and I laugh when I remember some of the fools I obsessed over.
So keep having fun! Date, take up a new hobby and spend time with your friends. You spent years being emotionally bullied, now it's YOUR time to fall in love with you.
I met my husband when I stopped looking. You will meet your big love when you least expect it.
Now go wash away last night's frolic, my sexy girl! Send a message if you need me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

I am so happy for you!!!!!


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Ok this is going to seem really Out there.. and not very Amimad-ness.. but I am beginning to wonder if I am still 'in love' with the H... I know I know.. it's sounding odd after all that I have written recently but here's the thing..
> 
> I get messages from 'C' and I sit and smile, even laugh at times.. I get a message from 'L' and I get upset, angry, confused sometimes all of the above... there's a big difference here.. C wants to talk to me and make me laugh, my H on the other hand wants to seemingly make me miserable... he wants to have power over me, he likes seeing me crying.. Why? Why would anyone want to do that?.. the thing is.. my H has always had the power over me and I've never really noticed it before...
> 
> ...


I would suggest to do just as you said....

Enjoy what you have with C now....maybe get some butterflies in your stomach....

If it becomes more, be happy.....

If not, then at least you had a great time while it lasted....

Your husband is not lovable at all right now and therefore you owe him nothing....don't feel bad...

He might change back to the man you loved, he might not.....

We always think "He's the one"....until the real "One" comes around....who knows....maybe C is the one !!!!!!

I'm sooooooooooooooo happy for you, Sweetie.....you deserve to feel good for a change !!!!!

xoxo


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Mrs.G said:


> I was 23, thin, broke and hot.


And the difference is ???....now you're 25 and not broke ????? :rofl:


If you're not thin and hot, then I don't know what !!!!!!!

You're gorgeous in that wedding dress :smthumbup: !!!!!

Love the sneakers  ....


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## mama (Feb 25, 2011)

yay AmI!!! i'm happy to see your coming out of your funk your ex H created for you. whatever happens with this new man it's important that you take the time to love yourself. this is what i've decided to do. my self esteem is poorly esp. considering what happened after i initiated a sep. didn't think it would have been a perm. thing until i learned more. oh well. at least i know now. it just sucked up what i had left of my self esteem. time to focus on me now. glad to have found these boards esp. when i need it the most. hopefully we can all have happy ever afters like mrs g


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Ooooh I am a Mrs G too! Hehe.

I haven't been single since I was 12, I am 2 weeks away from 31.. that is truly shocking, I am not looking to bed hop or jump from relationship to relationship.. the phrase, out of the frying pan into the fire springs to mind 

*Hugs Mama tightly* Sweety, I suffer from terrible self confidence, I seriously have real issues and I think that's what I was craving last night, I needed to feel wanted.. 15 years with the same man, my childhood sweetheart, left me for... *shudder* well she's not stunning that's for sure.. I look at her pics even now and think.. "He left me for that... how bad must I be?!" When my H showed me a pic of her.. and he did.. [email protected]! I just said "Ohh she's not what I expected"... he got the arseache and said "You hold yourself in too high regard"... ME? Seriously!!?? For the people that have added me on FB you can see I have weight issues.. and he called me Fat and Ugly..And this man is no oil painting I tell ya.. George Clooney he aint!

Mrs G, I was super skinny with a cracking rack when I met my H.. I still have the rack.. it's just kinda being supported by a keg now... lol Like I said I haven't been single for a very very long time, I didn't ever play the field.. Heck I'm only just learning how to flirt!! x

I hope one day I can look back on this and think "Debz WTF was wrong with you, why were you soooo hung up on this waste of space"...

Ladies and Gentlemen we are better than our insignificant others.. thats right I went there! WE are better, we just need to tell ourselves that everyday..

Ladies you are stunning, sexy, beautiful, intelligent women, we DO NOT need a disrespectful man in our lives knocking us down!

Gentlemen you are handsome, sexy, intelligent *coughs* opps sorry.. men, you do NOT NEED a disrespectful woman in your lives either..

WE ARE BETTER THAN THAT! Comprendé?!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> :rofl:
> 
> bit worried about that for myself I think


I'd offer to help, but it would be a bit of a stretch lmao!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I'd offer to help, but it would be a bit of a stretch lmao!


:lol: bit of a stretch :rofl:


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

rome2012 said:


> I would suggest to do just as you said....
> 
> Enjoy what you have with C now....maybe get some butterflies in your stomach....
> 
> ...


Thank you Gorgeous,

I don't think I am ready to jump into anything, I know I love my husband to some extent, but he's not worthy of my love.. :iagree: I married my first proper proper love, I had one serious BF before him, but my H is all I know, maybe I am scared of life without him? Who knows, but there's only one way to find out! 

We all do silly things, we all do things that we 'Think' are best at the time and 9 times out of the 10, we screw it up.
I spoke a lovely man this evening who is going through crap too, and he said.. "We've just got to be ourselves, if they don't like us then they're not worth having" (Power phrasing, sorry if I got it wrong ) 

God I can't believe I am saying this.. I feel all empowered.. I am a lovely, not to bad on the eye, if a bit tubsy, single mum of 3 amazing kids... and there is a man out there who will love and cherish me me for me.. *crosses fingers* Hey if not, I am gonna become the crazy cat lady on the Simpsons.. now where did I put that washboard?....


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> :lol: bit of a stretch :rofl:


Do ya self a mischief  lmao! Got the Devil in me today.. *zips lips before any other comments fall out*:lol::rofl:


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Thank you Gorgeous,
> 
> I don't think I am ready to jump into anything, I know I love my husband to some extent, but he's not worthy of my love.. :iagree: I married my first proper proper love, I had one serious BF before him, but my H is all I know, maybe I am scared of life without him? Who knows, but there's only one way to find out!
> 
> ...


What a little romance can do huh ?!?! 

Gotta find me some romance, maybe then I'll be able to detach.... :scratchhead:


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Do ya self a mischief  lmao! Got the Devil in me today.. *zips lips before any other comments fall out*:lol::rofl:


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

:scratchhead: Get picture out of head now :scratchhead:

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Do ya self a mischief  lmao! Got the Devil in me today.. *zips lips before any other comments fall out*:lol::rofl:


I am sure I have no idea what you mean :lol:


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

rome2012 said:


> And the difference is ???....now you're 25 and not broke ????? :rofl:
> 
> 
> If you're not thin and hot, then I don't know what !!!!!!!
> ...


I am 29. Thanks for the compliments about me in the dress, but I used to be a size 5 in my early twenties. Now I am a size 12. I'm working on it. My hubby likes me curvy, but I don't really like myself this way. I'm too goddamned fat now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

AmI, I'm so surprised what a night out with a good man has done for you! Wow! You are empowered and loving yourself. I hope this continues. I might need to siphon some of your strength in the near future!


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

AmI..baby...wow wow and wow. What a difference from a week ago..just by reading your experience you're giving me so much strength,hope and most importantly optimism .I'm so so happy for you that your date last night was a success and you were able to feel like a real woman again...no more to rejection .I love it girl. You're so brave!

I have been out last night as well ,came back home at 4 am a little too much tipsy .Had a blast ..but today I struggle.
I question everything that is happening,actually that is NOT happening. I even had a moment of panic and almost called him to tell him it's not going to work out like that. I'm just getting so tired of BS. I'm seriously exhausted ...don't know if i can keep going like that for the next months.I'm just so scared to be badly hurt again.
I know you all are thinking that i'm nuts and should be grateful that he is giving me a chance BUT the thing is I have not seen anything yet,only phone conversations filled with empty words ..seriously all of our conversations revolve around money and material things  . He hasn't asked much about what his kids do all day, it seems like he is not interested in kids conversation or us conversation.I hope it's just a phase .

Sorry guys I just wanted to tell you that I still struggle big time ,I have been crying all day.I still feel separated and lonely...I still don't know that person that I talk to everyday ,I desperately try to find him and He's not there.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

vivea said:


> Sorry guys I just wanted to tell you that I still struggle big time ,I have been crying all day.I still feel separated and lonely...I still don't know that person that I talk to everyday ,I desperately try to find him and He's not there.


no need to be sorry, thats what we are here for V. I have a few thoughts, but I will come back to those at a later time !

Stay strong girl !


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

vivea said:


> AmI..baby...wow wow and wow. What a difference from a week ago..just by reading your experience you're giving me so much strength,hope and most importantly optimism .I'm so so happy for you that your date last night was a success and you were able to feel like a real woman again...no more to rejection .I love it girl. You're so brave!
> 
> I have been out last night as well ,came back home at 4 am a little too much tipsy .Had a blast ..but today I struggle.
> I question everything that is happening,actually that is NOT happening. I even had a moment of panic and almost called him to tell him it's not going to work out like that. I'm just getting so tired of BS. I'm seriously exhausted ...don't know if i can keep going like that for the next months.I'm just so scared to be badly hurt again.
> ...




Ok I don't think it was romanace that suddenly cleared my head lol, it has helped don't get me wrong, I was shown several things, that I am attractive, that I can still be 'Me' I thought she was lost..  Yeah I feel sooooo much stronger, I don't know how long this will last for before I am sliding down that slippery slope again *shrugs* but I am hoping that with the knowledge I have now, I'll be a bit more used to the slide down.

The thing I have learnt is that it is my H who has made all the decisions, he has me dangling on this string.. like a puppet and to be honest, I see that with you Viv, we want to make it work so much, that we are in our own 'fog' we only see what we want to see, I understand our situations are different, but I still see your H doing it to you  :scratchhead:

My H is going to learn soon-ish that I am not in his life.. I've deleted him off facebook, I am not in any rush to answer his calls (I ignored the first 3 times last night and didn't text him! ) This is going to do 1 of 2 things... Make him think "Sh*t where is she, I miss her blah blah blah" or He wont care and life will carry on as normal.. and carrying on as normal is what I am starting to get used to.. He's moving into his house share over my birthday, and mothers day, he doesn't care.. he's doing his own thing.. right now, he's enjoying his single life, maybe one day he'll realise just how much he's lost out on, when he's sat all by himself in a little bedroom.. with no pics of his kids around him... no constant contact from me.. who knows *shrugs*

Thing is Viv, we've shown how strong we are, that we CAN do this, we have young children that depend on us, and we have to carry on regardless, whilst our H's are selfish and go and do whatever they are doing... The question is, are you willing to just accept those titbits  He's still not offering you everything on a plate he's just giving you enough rope.. :scratchhead: He's scared of losing you, but seems to be scared of commiting completely.. I personally think you are NUTS for giving him the chance  You and I are discovering ourselves again, going out, gaining a sense of self worth, I too am just tired of this game... I want my H to rush in, whisk me off my feet and do everything in his power to fix this.. but he's not... BUT he KNOWS what he HAS to do, if he want's 'us' he's not doing it.. no inclination and no matter how much I want it... it isn't going to happen, I can sit at home crying, wishing it to happen, cry all the time, be depressed OR I can take a look around me, look at the love I do have (my kids) and work on making their lives better anyway I can, make them smile and laugh and I know I will be beaming right back at them.

For us, we're not new to this situation, it's been months, we've been getting up every morning, living, sleeping, rinse and repeat.. Viv, you need to know exactly what YOU want to do now. When I saw my H on Sat, he gave me a cheeky wink when he left, something that was only for me.. :scratchhead: I see little glimpses of 'MY' H, but that's not enough..

So my plan... to not watch/spy on my H living his single life, he keeps telling me we're seperated we're not together.. so basically that means he can do whatever he likes without repercussions.. I am going to start living for me and my babies.

I am sticking to the 180, and going LC, obviously the children are our common factor, but seriously how long till he's bored of that? Grrrrr. Yeah yeah, I can hear you all now saying "Alright AmI, we've heard it all before...when are you actually going to stick to it?!" But the Achilles heel has gone.. deleted him off facebook last night when I posted on here.. if he texts about the children and it's important fine, I'll reply but now, I can't be his 'friend' He should be looking at me and thinking "Damn I miss you, I love you so much what the hell am I doing?" and he's not, he's looking at me like I am just someone he used to work with...thats not enough, so maybe it is too late for 'us' if he can dismiss his feelings just like that after almost 15 years.. then what hope do I have for an R?


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Also I would just like to say.. I SLEPT for the first time since all this happened. From 1am til 6:45am, this is some kind of record for me!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Well, I was all prepared to give long reply to V, and AIm beat me to it, and quite honestly, did a much better job of the reply than I was going to give, AIM, fantastic, you now know you have it in you, you are now believing in your self clap clap clap clap clap

Vivea, listen to the girl


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Also I would just like to say.. I SLEPT for the first time since all this happened. From 1am til 6:45am, this is some kind of record for me!


and all it took was some bedroom g.... forget it, I am going off to do some weights training !


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> Well, I was all prepared to give long reply to V, and AIm beat me to it, and quite honestly, did a much better job of the reply than I was going to give, AIM, fantastic, you now know you have it in you, you are now believing in your self clap clap clap clap clap
> 
> Vivea, listen to the girl


*curtseys* lol It's true though, every word was typed from the heart  You all know how much I struggle with this.. BUT our DS's left us for a reason..(some like freak left ofc) their own reasons, whether it's because we drank too much, didn't give them enough attention, or they were getting attention from someone else... but it's THEIR issues.. or they've had issues that has made you leave..

Until they sort themselves out there's nothing we can do. Viv and I have changed as people, we've got stronger, you see Viv and your jaw drops, heck if I was a man!!! *wolf whistles* she could have any man she wanted.. her H should know that and do everything in his power to ensure no other man gets her.. 

I never thought I could be happy with someone other than my H, never crossed my mind before. I don't know if I will ever see 'C' again *shrugs* but there could always be someone else... someone who adores our babies, someone who is an amazing step dad, I have one! He's my rock and we have a bond that he doesn't have with my sister his own daughter..! 

I never wanted any of this, but it's happened and I have to play the hand I've been dealt.. but if we play it the right way, we can be winners..  *passes around the sick bucket*


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> and all it took was some bedroom g.... forget it, I am going off to do some weights training !


Mr Crankypants! I am shocked!! Well actually I am not  hehe Didn't expect anything less from you!! 

I think it was the realisation and that my head was clearer to be honest... although... lol

Now :whip: lets work on those glutes! Mwhahahahahaha!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

pass the tissue you mean, almost bought a tear to my eye 

And yes, V is, (wow, drools, tongue hits floor, eyes need to be put back in) a very attractive lady !


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Mr Crankypants! I am shocked!! Well actually I am not  hehe Didn't expect anything less from you!!
> 
> I think it was the realisation and that my head was clearer to be honest... although... lol
> 
> Now :whip: lets work on those glutes! Mwhahahahahaha!


doesn't matter what it took, the point is you are now starting to believe in yourself


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> pass the tissue you mean, almost bought a tear to my eye
> 
> And yes, V is, (wow, drools, tongue hits floor, eyes need to be put back in) a very attractive lady !


Haha this made me LOL! :lol::smthumbup:


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> doesn't matter what it took, the point is you are now starting to believe in yourself


I'm getting there... like I said this road we're on has a slippery surface.. and I'll probably screw up again when he throws me some scraps, but it's learning from those mistakes that make me a better and stronger person!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Haha this made me LOL! :lol::smthumbup:


 (wouldn't have gotten that from a month or so ago!)


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> (wouldn't have gotten that from a month or so ago!)


Very true, things can only get better right? :scratchhead:


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Very true, things can only get better right? :scratchhead:


I have actually been feeling really good for the last couple of weeks  now I just gotta get a job


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> I have actually been feeling really good for the last couple of weeks  now I just gotta get a job


Thats what we like to hear!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Ok.. *sigh* I deleted him last night.. just had this..

thank f*ck I took some of the kids photos from facebook before you dropped me as a friend again. Hope treatment went and you got some saturday night..

I just said what?

You've removed me as a friend on FB again, Im just happy I had the foresight to download the photos from Livs bday- having expected you to to remove me at some point, hope the treatment went well today. Hope you enjoyed your night out sat...

I just said.. Whatever have a nice day

Then I got.. So why remove me from FB? We need to find a way of sharing photos of the kids where you won't spazz out and remove me when it suits you. Not sure why you removed me tbh.


I want to say, you want to be single.. now you are..don't need your ex around!!! but I didn't! Instead I said If there any pics I want you to have I will text/email them to you.

He's said email them as mms compresses and the image is sh*t. What did I do to cause you to delete me from FB?
Then I get another message saying...why did you remove me, Stuff on there I shouldn't see or you just got angry at something?

I haven't replied my belly is flipping, this is where I get all nervous, I need to b*tch up seriously...!!!


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

IGNORE HIM for a bit. See how he likes it now the tables have turned.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Seriously?!?! Tell him he deleted you from his life and now you are deleting him from yours. If he wants pics of the kids he can take them himself. Get a camera, dude! Love how he is all stressing over it. And was he implying that you jumped into bed with someone? I would put together a well thought out reply and I would say something like, "I don't appreciate you insinuating that I was pulling one of your numbers." I would also go with the fact that he doesn't need to know what you're up to or what you're doing, and you don't want to know what his life is like now. You're separated, and facebook is a look into your life.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Lost, a while ago, I would have done exactly that.. but now I need to do it without emotion, if I reply like you said he'll know I still care.. 
I intend on replying in around 2 hours and just saying.. "I just think it's for the best"


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Lost, a while ago, I would have done exactly that.. but now I need to do it without emotion, if I reply like you said he'll know I still care..
> I intend on replying in around 2 hours and just saying.. "I just think it's for the best"


Yeah, you're right. You're definitely further along in this than me.  I can say, though, that I am taking the time to think before responding to things. He says it all feels like I'm running some sort of game on him, and I reply that it feels the same! Last night he's telling me that he needs to either delete his whole facebook or delete me as a friend or block my posts because he can't handle looking at everything I post and thinking it's about him. Sigh. He then asked what my big realization was and he wondered if it was that "I was over him and was better off without him." Well, that's part of it, but I said I don't know for sure. Then he got angry and started to say, "well then, I'll make it real easy for you" and then he stopped. GRRRR!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Well another update.. "Good talk. When you've stopped being weird remind me to tell you about Myá on Saturday".....

See how he bring one of the children into it.. because he knows I'll bite...


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

see deb its killing him. do not reply at all. he is gonna try everything to get you to fall all over him again, now he is getting nervous. sucks to be him but this is what he chose. let him think what he wants, you dont know what he does on his weekends and you dont ask. and yeah let him take his own pictures. I dont ask my stbx for pics of our son when they do things and he dont ask me. this is what divorce is. your doing great so far, dont fall for anything he is doing now.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

bellringer said:


> see deb its killing him. do not reply at all. he is gonna try everything to get you to fall all over him again, now he is getting nervous. sucks to be him but this is what he chose. let him think what he wants, you dont know what he does on his weekends and you dont ask. and yeah let him take his own pictures. I dont ask my stbx for pics of our son when they do things and he dont ask me. this is what divorce is. your doing great so far, dont fall for anything he is doing now.



I got yet another message, so I just said "I was busy. What about Myá?"

I am not responding to his previous question, I wonder if he'll bring it up again.. probably after telling me about our daughter.. and if he does, then that's when I might say, I think it's for the best...

You're right I've not asked him what he did at the weekend, I didn't tell him what I did either, as you saw, I put "I am looking forward to the weekend" then "Had a very nice evening"...

The thing is he wants to be single, he wants a divorce well... I am not going to be there for him..

Yeah it kills me *sigh* but I have to do this, whether I am with him or not.

The other thing that pisses me off is that he said the I hope you got some...crap... errrm I'm sorry did I leave you to go and f*ck some tart?! Errrrr nah! But that's ok for him yeah????


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

*sigh* just realised it's the 11th anniversary of when he proposed.. [email protected]@rd!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> *sigh* just realised it's the 11th anniversary of when he proposed.. [email protected]@rd!


you are going to have moments like this, don't stress it, soon enough you will think 'oh, it is (whatever) hmmm, oh well, now, what as I doing again'

BTW, dreams are good (cheeky grin)


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> you are going to have moments like this, don't stress it, soon enough you will think 'oh, it is (whatever) hmmm, oh well, now, what as I doing again'
> 
> BTW, dreams are good (cheeky grin)


I hope so! :scratchhead:

If dreams are so good  why are you awake! lol go back to bed!

I've just realised something.... My H is actually jealous... why else would he send a msg saying he hoped I got some.. he didn't know who I was with, where I went, zilch, nada.. then to say that.. that's some childish jealously.. I am pretty damn sure he was out on Sat night.. I didn't ask him where he went.. I didn't say... did you get a good f*cking did I?! 

Hmmm *goes off to ponder some more*


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Ahhh you guys brought tears to my eyes again.Thank you for the nice compliments guys (((hugs))) ... 
I continue to feel blah this morning , didn't sleep well at all,have a major anxiety ,lost appetite again....Gosh I'm falling apart again.
What can i do though?!
Seriously... I can't say anything to him,especially over the phone. And what do I say anyways.... 
He is supposedly going to look at houses tomorrow,I just hope he says we move at the end of next month..I'm just going to have to wait and see what he says tomorrow....I guess.
The thing is that I expect too much too soon as AmI told me before...and probably it's my mistake. I'm sitting here thinking ,what do i expect from him really ?! .We can't have this special connection right now because we haven't connected at all.
I love him,I have to be patient.I keep reminding myself how things were before,I know that when the real HIM appears things will click back to how we were. He is not a bad guy, I can't hate him for who he was because he did some stupid things YES but nothing I can't live with,I realize that there are not perfect people,I can't expect perfection BUT he was close to ...because the truth is he was perfect for ME.

I do hate the fact that he is not chasing me and begging me to get back together,I do not hear any words of regrets...but I guess that's life.My whole marriage with him he was the one always apologizing chasing and promising..not that there was not a reason for it BUT I realize now how much I overreacted on things,as crank said earlier ...if i knew what I know now months ago my marriage would have been just fine. May be it's my turn now,it doesn't come naturally to me but I do it.I prove myself that people can change if they want to.
--------------------------------------

AmI...I can't believe how much he is jealous ,he makes it like it's all about the kids... it's all about you honey. He is going crazy .He thought he can have it all. His single life plus you and the kids in it...of course whenever he pleases. Well welcome to reality buddy!
I can't believe how amazing you're doing.I applaud you for that!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

vivea said:


> AmI...I can't believe how much he is jealous


Really? I can. See, he thought Mad would be home crying for him while he does whatever he wants to. That is why you have to switch the game up on him, Mad. Men are notoriously territorial. He is getting a glimpse of what life w/o you is going to be like--i fyou meet someone who treats you well, etc. Keep it up. Be myseterious. See...180s DO work.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Babyheart said:


> IGNORE HIM for a bit. See how he likes it now the tables have turned.


No response at all will speak volumes.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I sent him that msg "I was busy, what about Myá?" 3 hours ago.. he hasn't bothered to reply and I haven't chased him. 

Im going to go and look at a new car in an hour, I've asked my friends husband to go with me and look at it.. Normally I would have sent my H the link, asked his advice, even asked him to come after work to give it a once over... but I didn't but when he comes to see the kids at the weekend, he'll see the new car (if its ok) on my drive... another mark of my independence! 

Viv, I can understand what you're going through and like I said we're in different situations, and our H's are playing different games.. what I am trying to tell you though, is make sure you know where your limit is.. going to look at houses and things should be things you do together, you're at home, you should be looking online, sending him links saying "I like this one..etc.." I still think.. only from an outsider looking in and what you post here, is that he is still digging his heels..I'm sorry  thats just how it 'seems' you're an amazing woman with gorgeous daughters (I still don't know how our Hs can just walk away from that) but there's only so much you should take.. you're still in limbo.. and it's making you feel rubbish..

I have immense butterflies in my belly when he texts me, I just don't know what to expect  But I have to deal with it.. 5 months this has been dragging on for... What hope do I have? He's given no real words of encouragement, just the odd crumb. It's not enough. He's losing me fast now, and I will get to a point where I won't look back.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hope is always the last thing to die.

The sooner you start imagining your life w/o him and realizing it, the better for you, Mad. 

You said it yourself--he's offering you CRUMBS. You're worth more! You are going to be fine, whether he is in the picture or not.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Hope is always the last thing to die.
> 
> The sooner you start imagining your life w/o him and realizing it, the better for you, Mad.
> 
> You said it yourself--he's offering you CRUMBS. You're worth more! You are going to be fine, whether he is in the picture or not.


Thank you Sweety, I've only just started to learn this.... I am not the orge he's made me out to be, I now know I didn't force him to do anything, I am NOT to blame for everything, but I am 'grown up' enough to take responsibility for the things I did do wrong..


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Exactly. And that makes you awesome.

There is nothing sadder than someone who can't and won't accept responsibility for their actions.

Go dark on him. No contact other than about your kids. You are sounding loads better. He doesn't get to dictate your life. You have your own life to live. And if he won't work with you to restore your relationship... carry on w/o him!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I hope so! :scratchhead:


You will get to that point soon enough)



> If dreams are so good  why are you awake! lol go back to bed!


had to go lift some weights 
na, not really, almost though :rofl:.



> I've just realised something.... My H is actually jealous... why else would he send a msg saying he hoped I got some.. he didn't know who I was with, where I went, zilch, nada.. then to say that.. that's some childish jealously.. I am pretty damn sure he was out on Sat night.. I didn't ask him where he went.. I didn't say... did you get a good f*cking did I?!
> 
> Hmmm *goes off to ponder some more*


you are 100% correct, he doesn't want anyone else to 'have you' or for you to show affection to some one else, I can relate to that, being a male and all that.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> had to go lift some weights
> na, not really, almost though :rofl:.
> 
> 
> ...


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> I sent him that msg "I was busy, what about Myá?" 3 hours ago.. he hasn't bothered to reply and I haven't chased him.
> 
> Im going to go and look at a new car in an hour, I've asked my friends husband to go with me and look at it.. Normally I would have sent my H the link, asked his advice, even asked him to come after work to give it a once over... but I didn't but when he comes to see the kids at the weekend, he'll see the new car (if its ok) on my drive... another mark of my independence!


It's amazing the change that happens when you start to see your situation for what it is. I'm glad you're there. It will get easier from here on out, with some days likely feeling as bad as the day he left. Just shut off your phone and spoil yourself when those days pop up. I'm happy for you. 

I agree that a new car will affect him. Just make sure you're not doing it to earn him back. You're a hell of a lot stronger than you were just two weeks ago. Imagine who you could be in a few months! By then, you might just have a healthy frame of mind and a wonderful boundary line that you'd let no man cross. At that point you'd be ready for a relationship. 

I'm glad you had a blast on your date, too! _That_ is how a woman should be treated.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Well seeing at its 3:30am there.. I hope you're not lifting weights again.


na, not really, maybe I just need to get someone to help me with some be.... forget I said that 



> Aww you don't want anyone else to have me either? hahah


Didn't word it very well did 



> I was pondering some more, and when he saw me on Sat, I was wearing a new dress, heels and red lipstick... (something I didn't wear for my date I wore a dress and biker boots lol) he must have thought I was out on the pull or something.. Think I am going to become a non-sexual lesbian!


the hearts of a thousand men just broke !


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Hahaha Crank!! 

I just bought a new car all by myself I am so bloody proud! I love it


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

AmI...you're right honey it seems like he is trying to control the situation and that makes me unsure.I never saw that house that he ""liked"" and told me it's not going to be available till end of May,when i cornered him (in a way) oooops he couldn't find it someone took the house blah blah .Or he might have been saying the truth...who knows BUT he still didn't show me the link when it was still available.. 
On the other hand though Well the fact is that he is going to look at a house that I told him to,and another one that he's liked...there is not much choice at the moment though.May be that is why he is not that excited ,no really there we plenty of houses only 2 month ago and now there are like only5 that show up.We are renting a house,not buying it so it's not important for me to look at the house with him,really,I trust him enough when it comes to renting.
The fact is also that I looked at a house and sent him the link,didn't tell him to go look at it and push him for anything.Than he called and told me that he got an appt. with an agent and will look at the houses on the 22nd.
I do see improvement in the way he approaches me at the moment ,he hasn't cancelled the move for next month. Now that the house that he wanted is taken there is no reason to change the date.
But I understand what you're saying,I can clearly see where I stand at the moment and yet what can I do?!He is definitely giving me something at the moment,I can't blame him he is not trying because the facts point at that direction.I mean CAN I blame him for not saying that he loves me and wants to be with me so bad...I guess not...because the fact is that he's told me that he wants to try ..he never told me that he made a mistake and he realized his feelings for me.So that is the tricky part,to accept what I'm given and take it and try to win him back.It's just hard as Hell ,because who knows if i'll ever win him back! 
Well I don't know if the way I think about my situation is the right way , again I think I'm over thinking things and it's not a good way to approach the situation. I don't want to screw up the chance he's given me.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Hahaha Crank!!
> 
> I just bought a new car all by myself I am so bloody proud! I love it


Congrats Ami...awesome :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:.I want to see pics,may be on FB ?!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

vivea said:


> Congrats Ami...awesome :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:.I want to see pics,may be on FB ?!


Well it's dark now, but I defo will  lol It's really not that exciting... but this is the first time I've done something this big on my own! And with my own money!

Livvy my 4 year old said "Daddy we've got a new car it's dark red!" I wasn't going to tell him... He then asked Myá who confirmed it.. she hung up!

He just sent me a text saying "Will we ever get to the bottom of you deleting me from facebook? Is it something I said or done? I think I managed a weekend without throwing you some abuse so I thought we were heading in the right direction."

What do I do? What do I say??

Heading in the right direction would be him saying "Angel I love you, i've screwed up, lets go to mc!"


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Hahaha Crank!!
> 
> I just bought a new car all by myself I am so bloody proud! I love it


Well, what did you get, come, on, we want to know !!!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> Well, what did you get, come, on, we want to know !!!


http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgu...ge=1&ndsp=15&ved=1t:429,r:4,s:0&tx=114&ty=104 Looks like that...but mines dark red  matches my nails!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

vivea said:


> he never told me that he made a mistake and he realized his feelings for me.


he needs to be able to tell you that he has owned his actions.



> So that is the tricky part,to accept what I'm given and take it and try to win him back.It's just hard as Hell ,because who knows if i'll ever win him back!


That, I am afraid, is reality, you do what ever you can do, but you never know if the other person is going to make the decision the way you that you really really want them to make it. (does that make sense ??)



> Well I don't know if the way I think about my situation is the right way , again I think I'm over thinking things and it's not a good way to approach the situation. I don't want to screw up the chance he's given me. (


Over thinking is something we are all guilty of, we keep running things though our minds, wondering if we have left anything out, trying to work out what will happen if we make a certain decision, and you know what, at the end of the day, it all means nothing because we are reliant on a certain course of action by another person, and we can't dictate to that other person what their action should be.

Crank (who thinks he might be rambling a bit !)


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Looks like that...but mines dark red  matches my nails!


niiicccee little car, very nice, when do you get to pick it up ?
did you trade you old one in ?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Congrats on the new vehicle


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> niiicccee little car, very nice, when do you get to pick it up ?
> did you trade you old one in ?


I bought it, drove it home! Gonna clean up my old banger and probably put it on ebay! hehe


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

k, well he's now sent me several messages that I didn't address.. but I have just replied..

"I just think it's for the best. I haven't eaten yet but thanks. Enjoy your evening"

then I get this:

"Why's that? I don't comment on your stuff, there's nothing I'm hiding on mine. Thought we were getting along. Whats the new car?"

ARGH!!! *bangs head on laptop* we're not 'friends'


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## Gammyleg (Jan 12, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> Over thinking is something we are all guilty of, we keep running things though our minds, wondering if we have left anything out, trying to work out what will happen if we make a certain decision, and you know what, at the end of the day, it all means nothing because we are reliant on a certain course of action by another person, and we can't dictate to that other person what their action should be.


:iagree:

Got it in a nutshell


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What's for the best? What is he talking about?


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Well it's dark now, but I defo will  lol It's really not that exciting... but this is the first time I've done something this big on my own! And with my own money!


it damn well is exciting, especially as you bought it with *you're* money and you did it on *you're* own, and lets face it, geting a newer car is always a bit exciting 



> Livvy my 4 year old said "Daddy we've got a new car it's dark red!" I wasn't going to tell him... He then asked Myá who confirmed it.. she hung up!


Kids, gotta luv 'em 



> He just sent me a text saying "Will we ever get to the bottom of you deleting me from facebook? Is it something I said or done? I think I managed a weekend without throwing you some abuse so I thought we were heading in the right direction."
> 
> What do I do? What do I say??


as for FB, nothing, if he doesn't know now, nothing you say will ever be good enough.
And 1 weekend with out abuse from him is hardly an indication of a change from him, and the fact that he is asking about why you del from FB is another indication that there is really no change from him



> Heading in the right direction would be him saying "Angel I love you, i've screwed up, lets go to mc!"


that, my girl, is nothing short of being true words !


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

WOW. So he tells you he's managed to not "abuse" this week? What? Does he want a cookie? A prize? A gift card?

What a DOUCHE. 

You don't owe him explanations, Mad. He is the one who wants out, remember? He UNILATERALLY decided the state of your marriage. You owe him nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zero.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I bought it, drove it home!


nice, it is usually 2 - 3 days here, vehicle has to have a roadworthy done on it and all that.



> Gonna clean up my old banger and probably put it on ebay! hehe


I hear there is a certain person that you know who needs another car, sure his name start with L, maybe he could bid for it on ebay


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> k, well he's now sent me several messages that I didn't address.. but I have just replied..
> 
> "I just think it's for the best. I haven't eaten yet but thanks. Enjoy your evening"


brilliant reply there princess 



> then I get this:
> 
> "Why's that? I don't comment on your stuff, there's nothing I'm hiding on mine. Thought we were getting along. Whats the new car?"
> 
> ARGH!!! *bangs head on laptop* we're not 'friends'


It would have been a whole lot better if his reply was, 
'oh, ok then, thanks', but no, nothing has changed at all.
Some people are just a bit thicker than others.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> WOW. So he tells you he's managed to not "abuse" this week? What? Does he want a cookie? A prize? A gift card?
> 
> What a DOUCHE.
> 
> You don't owe him explanations, Mad. He is the one who wants out, remember? He UNILATERALLY decided the state of your marriage. You owe him nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zero.


I just choked on my dinner!! :lol:


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Gammyleg said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Got it in a nutshell


can you tell I once trained to be a youth worker, wasn't able to complete the 4 years course due to having to work though, oh well.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> brilliant reply there princess
> 
> 
> 
> ...


He clearly still wants to have part of me in his life... 

I might throw him a bone tell him about my car, but I don't have to explain my actions to him.. does he explain his?! :scratchhead:


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> WOW. So he tells you he's managed to not "abuse" this week? What? Does he want a cookie? A prize? A gift card?
> 
> What a DOUCHE.


:ROFL: thanks, just gonna get a cloth and clean the coffee of my screen now, be right back 



> You don't owe him explanations, Mad. He is the one who wants out, remember? He UNILATERALLY decided the state of your marriage. You owe him nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zero.


yep, he has yet to own his actions.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I just choked on my dinner!! :lol:


Haha. Glad I can make ya laugh but be careful now!!! 

And yes, Mad... he does want to be a part of your life --on his terms. Which is stuuuupid. That is why you should keep doing what you are doing. Remember, you are going to act in a manner with him that is sort of "professional" in a way--like how you would treat a colleague--cordial, unemotional, and all business. 

Mad--what happened with your 7yr friend with the perfume???


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

> he needs to be able to tell you that he has owned his actions.


 Yeah I know crank .I realized that what bothers me is not the lack of conversation about us at the moment.I think it's not a good idea to address things over the phone anyways right now BUT he could have been more reassuring about the move next month...right?! 

Well he said he'll take a trip to see us at the beginning of next month and I guess he'll stay over so maybe we can finally talk .

AmI ...nice car,not familiar with that brand but looks nice girl.
Love that you drive your H. crazy at the moment.Payback timeeeee....:smthumbup:

I think you should respond about the FB thing with something like "it's not about anything you've done or didn't do over the weekend,it's about the last 5 months,you have given up the right to be a part of my life,ultimately you've made that choice"


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> He clearly still wants to have part of me in his life...


yes, and I can think of a number of reasons why (and no, no sexual overtones in this one!)



> I might throw him a bone tell him about my car, but I don't have to explain my actions to him.. does he explain his?! :scratchhead:


no, he doesn't explain his, and I wouldn't 'thow him a bone' he will see it for himself eventually.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Haha. Glad I can make ya laugh but be careful now!!!
> 
> And yes, Mad... he does want to be a part of your life --on his terms. Which is stuuuupid. That is why you should keep doing what you are doing. Remember, you are going to act in a manner with him that is sort of "professional" in a way--like how you would treat a colleague--cordial, unemotional, and all business.
> 
> Mad--what happened with your 7yr friend with the perfume???


Still talking to him, he doesn't live in the same place as me, but he's texted me over the course of the day and we've chatted on facebook *blush*


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

vivea said:


> Yeah I know crank .I realized that what bothers me is not the lack of conversation about us at the moment.I think it's not a good idea to address things over the phone anyways right now BUT he could have been more reassuring about the move next month...right?!


yes pretty lady, he could, he is in limbo with his own self at the moment, and only he can make the decision to get out of there, what he needs is to speak to a professional that will help him, but that is another decision he needs to make.
Until he starts to make decisions for himself he can't be allowed to be put in a position to make decisions for the two of you !



> Well he said he'll take a trip to see us at the beginning of next month and I guess he'll stay over so maybe we can finally talk .


I personally think that if you talk, it will be back on the merry go round, and you will only end up frustrated and upset, but thats just my opinion.



> AmI ...nice car,not familiar with that brand but looks nice girl.
> Love that you drive your H. crazy at the moment.Payback timeeeee....:smthumbup:


shouldn't be a motivating factor! (but damn it does feel good sometimes 



> I think you should respond about the FB thing with something like "it's not about anything you've done or didn't do over the weekend,it's about the last 5 months,you have given up the right to be a part of my life,ultimately you've made that choice"


not too bad at all V


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

vivea said:


> Yeah I know crank .I realized that what bothers me is not the lack of conversation about us at the moment.I think it's not a good idea to address things over the phone anyways right now BUT he could have been more reassuring about the move next month...right?!
> 
> Well he said he'll take a trip to see us at the beginning of next month and I guess he'll stay over so maybe we can finally talk .
> 
> ...


Viv, I think actually seeing him will do you both a world of good! You might get some much needed answers!

Heh it's a British made car, it's so comfy! 

I would love to reply, but I am not giving him the satisfaction right now.. I don't just want to be his friend.. we don't need to be on facebook to 'Get along'


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Heh it's a British made car, it's so comfy!
> 
> I would love to reply, but I am not giving him the satisfaction right now.. I don't just want to be his friend.. we don't need to be on facebook to 'Get along'


:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Woo hoo on Perfume Guy! 

You are doing so much better, Mad. I can tell. You don't have to respond to him right away either. 

He may be in limbo, but you don't have to be. Remove yourself as an option. If he isn't man enough to make a decision, make it for him!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Woo hoo on Perfume Guy!
> 
> You are doing so much better, Mad. I can tell. You don't have to respond to him right away either.
> 
> He may be in limbo, but you don't have to be. Remove yourself as an option. If he isn't man enough to make a decision, make it for him!


:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


A suggestion "I just dont see the point in us being friends, that will never be enough for me sorry"... how about that? Or still avoid it?


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> A suggestion "I just dont see the point in us being friends, that will never be enough for me sorry"... how about that? Or still avoid it?


avoid, don't bring 'us' into it, don't bring personal feelings into it, that will just give him ammunition to try and use against you, and do not apologize !


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Woo hoo on Perfume Guy!
> 
> You are doing so much better, Mad. I can tell. You don't have to respond to him right away either.
> 
> He may be in limbo, but you don't have to be. Remove yourself as an option. If he isn't man enough to make a decision, make it for him!


Hehe 

Thank you I do feel different and I can't explain it, like I said not looking for a relationship with anyone else... but I feel like I am going to be ok now...

I don't know how he is feeling..?! :scratchhead:

I just sent him the car details and as Livvy told him it's dark red and thats the important bit.. I've avoided the other questions ...Oh and waited 1.5 hours before replying!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AmImad said:


> A suggestion "I just dont see the point in us being friends, that will never be enough for me sorry"... how about that? Or still avoid it?


Nah, You don't even have to say that, IMO.

I think you said it all when you told him "I think this is the best thing for us." Let him think about that.

Right now, continue what you are doing. If he wants to work it out, good for him but if he keeps waffling, you are going to have to tell him "I love you and I am willing to work on our relationship and restore it with both of us vested in doing that. That said, I will not live in an open marriage. If you are committed 100% to our relationship, then we may be able to talk about it but right now, if you can't do that, I am letting you go."

Then you walk tall and let him think about it. The ball will be in his court but he will know you are not f*cking around anymore and are a woman of self-respect.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Jelly, it's been a week since he has told me he is over with me completely, that he's done.. never wants to work it out etc etc...

I sent him a msg telling him that I love him, why I loved him, that I felt he was my soul mate.. I said I can't fight any more, that I give up and I am letting go.. if he changes his mind then I will still be here for a while.. he never even responded.. I don't need to tell him again...


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

H, just called...I haven't spoken to him yesterday at all since he took an 18 hrs shift at his old job and traveled 5 hrs each way.
So anyways ..he said he spoke to a married colleague of his and he recommended this marriage bootcamp About the Marriage Seminar and the Marriage Seminar Boot Camp
It sounds great,it's a bit pricey but he wants to do it .His friend told him that only in 4 days it did wonders for his 16 years marriage.The only thing is that is here in Atlanta in May...so my voice got a little low when he said that, he asked me what is wrong and I told him i would love to do something like that with him it's just that we this adds one more month of separation. He said he knows and he'll look into the details tonight so we can decide if it's something we want to do.
Well at least I'm excited he spoke about us on the phone and that he wants to take an action of some sort,I'm glad he spoke to his married friend about it since all of his buddies that he hangs out with are single 

Anyways at the end i told him that I just want him to tell me when we move because there are little details to be taken care of and I would like to know what we decide.I'm almost positive that he'll push for End of May but if we do this Bootcamp ..what the heck..i'll do it.

Can you guys look at the link and tell me if you really think we will benefit from it or it'll be better to go to MC.Or may be both ?!:scratchhead:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Jelly, it's been a week since he has told me he is over with me completely, that he's done.. never wants to work it out etc etc...
> 
> I sent him a msg telling him that I love him, why I loved him, that I felt he was my soul mate.. I said I can't fight any more, that I give up and I am letting go.. if he changes his mind then I will still be here for a while.. he never even responded.. I don't need to tell him again...


Got it. Prob wasn't in your best interest to sen dth e"soulmate" thing but it's too late to go back now.

No sweat. Yeah at this point, I wouldnt message him anymore.

If he presses you on why you're acting weird or distant, just tell him that you've thought a lot about what he said, and you respect his decision and wish him the best. Only discuss the children.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Viv... I think any sort of marriage seminar is good when a marriage is going through rough patches. Give it a whirl!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

vivea said:


> H, just called...I haven't spoken to him yesterday at all since he took an 18 hrs shift at his old job and traveled 5 hrs each way.
> So anyways ..he said he spoke to a married colleague of his and he recommended this marriage bootcamp About the Marriage Seminar and the Marriage Seminar Boot Camp
> It sounds great,it's a bit pricey but he wants to do it .His friend told him that only in 4 days it did wonders for his 16 years marriage.The only thing is that is here in Atlanta in May...so my voice got a little low when he said that, he asked me what is wrong and I told him i would love to do something like that with him it's just that we this adds one more month of separation. He said he knows and he'll look into the details tonight so we can decide if it's something we want to do.
> Well at least I'm excited he spoke about us on the phone and that he wants to take an action of some sort,I'm glad he spoke to his married friend about it since all of his buddies that he hangs out with are single
> ...


Viv! Thats a really positive step.. the fact he is actively trying to make an effort.. I know you're down hearted and think he's pulling out the seperation further.. why not say "I think it's a great idea, but why not wait till we're together, get some MC and then find one closer" See what he says Sweety xx


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Got it. Prob wasn't in your best interest to sen dth e"soulmate" thing but it's too late to go back now.
> 
> No sweat. Yeah at this point, I wouldnt message him anymore.
> 
> If he presses you on why you're acting weird or distant, just tell him that you've thought a lot about what he said, and you respect his decision and wish him the best. Only discuss the children.


Well I sent him the car msg.. and asked him what he wanted to tell me about Myá and he's not responded *shrugs* oh well.. Perfume guy is calling me in 30 mins.. :smthumbup:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So what kind of perfume did he get you??? What's the backstory on him? How long since last girlf? How do you know him? What has he said to you about your situation?


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

V, I know how much you want to make you marriage work, I wont even bother looking at the link, I will tell you that it is a good move, even better that your H has suggested it, do it, and be happy knowing that you are still in with a chance (I still say your H needs to have his eyes tested !)


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> So what kind of perfume did he get you??? What's the backstory on him? How long since last girlf? How do you know him? What has he said to you about your situation?


Oooh someone wants me to dish! lol

Well I got me Alien by THIERRY MUGLER which is my favourite fragrance EVER, I mentioned it at xmas saying I went to buy some and the department store was completely out low and behold he turned up with it!

Well I've know him nearly 8 years, really geeky but met him playing an online game called Star wars galaxies.. my H was addicted to it and it was a case of can't beat them join them.. anyways we used to talk all the time, my H knew about him, nothing seedy.. anyways PG was then only 19 and I was 23, I had 2 children, but he knew that my H (although then only bf) didn't treat me all that great, told me I deserved better etc etc.. it got to a point where he was falling for me, told me he loved me and that he wanted me to leave my H..he'd look after me kids and all.. I said no, and that I couldn't talk to him again..thus ended contact.. I did really like him, but just felt I couldn't go down that road.. I suppose it was verging on an EA, but I never let it get that far..

About a year or so later I got an email to a hotmail account I hardly ever used.. from PG asking if I still used the account and how was I etc.. we email back and forth, no talk about the past what so ever.. and then it kinda went from there.. had each others numbers forever, occasional msgs about random crap. He got a gf.. we would be each others sounding posts with our partners pissed us off... anyways that was about 4 years ago, she cheated on him.. I was the shoulder to cry on we have a good friendship..then when my H did all this, he was the person I talked to.. I texted him on xmas day when my H threw the ironing board at me, he stopped his family dinner to talk to me.. I said to him "what would I ever do without you" and he said "you'll never know" All together now .... awwwwwwwwww hehe he has said he's never got over me... :scratchhead: think I was his first proper crush..

He has hinted he wanted more, but never really has actually said it because he knows exactly how I feel about my H, he has said when all this dies down and I am in a better place he wants to spend time with me and the kids... that I deserve better, no one should ever be treated like that EVER. PG is very shy, soft spoken.. but NOT when it comes to talking about my H.. ! My H is a rugby player 5ft 11' kinda cuddly.. PG is 5ft 10' and has a 6 pack rather than a keg.. lol

I spoke to his friend on the phone the other day I was 'vetted' I think... :rofl: I passed the test with flying colours and was given a seal of approval..! But his friend knew all about me and my kids.. PG told him how amazing my kids are.. my own H doesn't do that!! :scratchhead:

So yeah.. thats the story!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Ohhhh my H has the proper ump now!! 

Conversation as follows:

(told him about the new car) 

M: So what were you going to tell me about Moos? (Myá's nickname)

H: What plans have you got for the kids this weekend?

M: Now your ignoring the message?

H: As are you. Back to access when are the kids free?

M: I don't know I'll get back to you.

H: Ok

M: Night.

H: I'll make it easier. Will pick them up Sunday.

M: I don't know what our plans are yet.

H: Well you can work around that now.

M: Errm no. I'll let you know by Wednesday as I usually do.


No further comments..

Am I doing the right thing??


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Ohhhh my H has the proper ump now!!
> 
> Conversation as follows:
> (snip)
> ...



yes, he is trying to control you and make you work around what he wants. Time for him to learn thats not the way it is going to be from now on, what he wants has to fit in with your plans.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

I wrote a post about how I *****ed at you for a long time so I needed to gush for a while. I don't know what happened to it! ...The gist, you're doing great now! Someone told you to contact your H and you actually refused! That's AMAZING! You're thinking logically instead of emotionally. You're rockin it! Keep it up! 

The only suggestion I have is when you respond to your H about access, start giving him all of the times that you would be willing to let him see the children. This includes times when you know he's not actually available. If it comes to custody, you want to show that you've given him plenty of chances to see the children. You don't want him to say, "She only let me see them for an hour every Sunday!" Make sure you continue to keep these conversations in email so you have the proof.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Crankshaw said:


> yes, he is trying to control you and make you work around what he wants. Time for him to learn thats not the way it is going to be from now on, what he wants has to fit in with your plans.


Exactly. That was a great convo, Ami!


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Ohhh wow AmI..he's really pushy,he is desperately trying to get back at you...wants to piss you off.....don't bite.
It's absurd when I think about it.He removed you from his life ....and he feels like you shouldn't be mad at him.You remove him from FB and he
has the nerve to be pissed off ?! Wow,seriously?!

Thanks guys,I was looking at the info,,it sounds interesting and it's about 5 miles from my place. 
AmI they only do it in the big cities and this one is the closest , when I move to SC we still have to come back here and do it.
There is one big problem though,it's 4 days from 10 morning till 11 night. Who is going to take care of the kids for 4 days?! We are talking a baby here ...even harder than my 5 years old. :scratchhead:



> be happy knowing that you are still in with a chance


I know crank I should be happy right ?! I guess I just want to take an action NOW...I'm ready to heal my marriage and of course I did the work for myself already but you can only do so much alone,I need him . I just want us to start working on it,wherever that leads us at the end.


> (I still say your H needs to have his eyes tested !)


You're so sweet <3 ...I would say the same about your wife buddy


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

vivea said:


> There is one big problem though,it's 4 days from 10 morning till 11 night. Who is going to take care of the kids for 4 days?! We are talking a baby here ...even harder than my 5 years old. :scratchhead:


and :scratchhead: is right, I would send a msg to H and ask for his input on that, see what he has to say, his reply may also give you more direction.



> I know crank I should be happy right ?! I guess I just want to take an action NOW...I'm ready to heal my marriage and of course I did the work for myself already but you can only do so much alone,I need him . I just want us to start working on it,wherever that leads us at the end.


You need to learn a bit of patience, but I know exactly what you mean about wanting to take action NOW 



> You're so sweet <3 ...I would say the same about your wife buddy


:blush:


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> I wrote a post about how I *****ed at you for a long time so I needed to gush for a while. I don't know what happened to it! ...The gist, you're doing great now! Someone told you to contact your H and you actually refused! That's AMAZING! You're thinking logically instead of emotionally. You're rockin it! Keep it up!
> 
> The only suggestion I have is when you respond to your H about access, start giving him all of the times that you would be willing to let him see the children. This includes times when you know he's not actually available. If it comes to custody, you want to show that you've given him plenty of chances to see the children. You don't want him to say, "She only let me see them for an hour every Sunday!" Make sure you continue to keep these conversations in email so you have the proof.


*hugs* thank you, I needed it tho.. and it's nice to get some positive reinforcements! :smthumbup:

The reason why I was funny about the access was because I felt that he was dictating to me, and I wasn't going to have that.. he left, he doesn't get to call the shots... he's not going to see them the following weekend..and that's his choice. He knows I wont stop him from seeing them, but it will be when it suits us not his!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Has a big grin on her chops!


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Viv I think thats great & even better as H suggested it. Do it, find family or someone to watch the kids, it will be worth it. Right now its hard for you being in limbo, I think once you 2 get back together your marriage will be better than ever. 

AmI - so bloody proud of ya girl!!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Thanks Baby *hugs* I am still questioning if I am doing the right thing.. but I am a million times better than I was before..!


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> The reason why I was funny about the access was because I felt that he was dictating to me, and I wasn't going to have that.. he left, he doesn't get to call the shots... he's not going to see them the following weekend..and that's his choice. He knows I wont stop him from seeing them, but it will be when it suits us not his!


You handled it perfectly. He abandoned you and your children, so he gets to see them when it works best for you. I agree with what you said, but I wanted to make sure you were giving him several offers to see them (even if you know it's a time that won't work for him) and communicating that through email. The courts will see that you put your kids' needs before your presumable contempt for your H. That would be a major plus for you should custody ever become an issue.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

AmI, I want to be like you!  And viv, I want my husband to ask to go to a marriage bootcamp! I think it's great he's taking some initiative. I hope things work out for you! But stay strong. He needs to be sorry for what he did, or else you are always going to live in fear that he'll leave again.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

LonelyNLost...I do hope it happens for you honey and for all of YOU that desire the same. I wish it happened for all of us so we can all go through reconciliation together too .
I hope that MC or boot camp makes him realize that he Efed Up badly.
Well it is not going to happen in May ,we've talked tonight and the kids are an issue so he thinks we should come back in August and have his parents watch the kids.I totally agree.Tonight for the 1st time he sent me a link to a house and asked if i like it,it's a bit pricey BUT now I hope he gets more expensive house so if he ever feels he want's to leave he won't be able to due to the fact that he won't be able to afford a place of his own :rofl: .just kidding of course...if I get to a place where the only thing that stops him from leaving me is the House ...i'm doomed. :/

Well now that the boot camp is not happening in May I pray that he finds a house and we move at the end of April.


BUT I do want to be like AmI like lonely said. I want to find that strength....one day when I grow up I hope that happens.I refuse to be dependable on him and live in fear that he might leave me again. (not that we are back together yet)


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

:cone4:

OK I'm starting to worry...where is FREAK ?!!I need to hear what she has to say about AmI's perfume guy. :butterfly:


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

vivea said:


> :cone4:
> 
> OK I'm starting to worry...where is FREAK ?!!I need to hear what she has to say about AmI's perfume guy. :butterfly:


yeah, been thinking the same thing, maybe she got frozen under the stars at the weekend !!!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

God, no one wants to be like me believe me!!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> God, no one wants to be like me believe me!!


maybe not a few weeks ago, but now, different story


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> maybe not a few weeks ago, but now, different story



*hugs* thanks Sweets, I still have my moments as you know, but it's now working out what is important and whats not, is he playing games or does he care?... Games pretty much all of the time! :scratchhead: Maybe one day I'll see the real Liam.. *shrugs* who knows xx


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> *hugs* thanks Sweets, I still have my moments as you know, but it's now working out what is important and whats not, is he playing games or does he care?... Games pretty much all of the time! :scratchhead: Maybe one day I'll see the real Liam.. *shrugs* who knows xx


2 weeks ago that is not what you would have been saying, 2 weeks ago you would have been in tears, correct


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> t weeks ago that is not what you would have been saying, 2 weeks ago you would have been in tears, correct


Yeah I really would have been, like I said i've not cried since Sunday morning, which really is some kind of record for me, I really do feel like I've turned a corner. I am sleeping better than I was before, for the past few nights I've had 5 hours solid sleep, no more nightmares, these we're plaguing me and I was in a real state about them, I would always see H with someone else etc.. I think the big thing that helped me is coming on here and talking to you wonderful people on Facebook, I stay up talking, and smiling, the cheeky comments and flirting *points at Crank* make me giggle, I actually go to bed a darn sight happier than I was before.. I used to record loads of stuff on tv to watch.. I could never get into anything.. I used to try and read.. again nothing could hold my attention.. I would sit in my living room, curled up on my sofa, hugging a cushion, crying... I would have my lil one in my bed because I couldn't cope with being on my own, waking up from a bad dream.. I would turn and snuggle her.


I really do miss my H, but now, it's becoming easier and wondering just what am I missing about him that I can't get from someone else, what is it that make him so darn special that I can't let go?...

If H and I did ever R.. chances slim to none now I think :scratchhead: I would still come on here and post. Ok I may not be able to give anyone any real 'Help' but if I can raise a smile then that's got to be something!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I think the big thing that helped me is coming on here and talking to you wonderful people on Facebook, I stay up talking, and smiling, the cheeky comments and flirting *points at Crank* make me giggle, I actually go to bed a darn sight happier than I was before..


what, who, me, never 
I know going to bed happy I get a whole lot better sleep 

The thing with us Deb, is we are near on two of a kind, I recall some one saying some about 'same mold' who was that ???


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> what, who, me, never
> I know going to bed happy I get a whole lot better sleep
> 
> The thing with us Deb, is we are near on two of a kind, I recall some one saying some about 'same mold' who was that ???


:angel3:

It's true laughter is the best medicine. I know that my situation is so different from everyone else's being diagnosed with cancer, on top of everything else... but this forum has helped me...

He just texted me. Can I ask you something? Did you delete me from FB because of someone else? if thats the case I dont care- you and I both know we're done. FB isn't the be all and end all but I'd prefer if you was honest.

M: "No. End of discussion"

H: Guess that'll be one of lifes petty mysteries. If it makes you happy and more bearable so be it.

And now I am crying.. record scrapped


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> :angel3:
> 
> It's true laughter is the best medicine. I know that my situation is so different from everyone else's being diagnosed with cancer, on top of everything else... but this forum has helped me...
> 
> ...


thats fine AIM, I told you there would be times that you step backwards, but over all you will be moving forward, now you just have a new record to aim for


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> thats fine AIM, I told you there would be times that you step backwards, but over all you will be moving forward, now you just have a new record to aim for



Thanks Crank.. seriously, if he didn't care, why would he be asking the questions? :scratchhead: why is he so bothered about being my friend on FB? trying to control me again?


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Thanks Crank.. seriously, if he didn't care, why would he be asking the questions? :scratchhead: why is he so bothered about being my friend on FB? trying to control me again?


Well, seeing as how we can't actually ask him (if he was to give an honest answer) we have to assume that it is a measure of control that he is trying to have, that being the case, F**k him, and the horse he rode in on basically.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> Well, seeing as how we can't actually ask him (if he was to give an honest answer) we have to assume that it is a measure of control that he is trying to have, that being the case, F**k him, and the horse he rode in on basically.


And just when I think I am doing so well....


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> And just when I think I am doing so well....


but you are, 2 weeks ago you would have been 100% devistated, now you are upset, big big difference, a small backstep that was to be expected, those backteps get small and less frequent in time, but as long as you know they are going to happen, and accept they are going to happen, you recover from them so much faster.

Chin up, you are on track for good times ahead


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> but you are, 2 weeks ago you would have been 100% devistated, now you are upset, big big difference, a small backstep that was to be expected, those backteps get small and less frequent in time, but as long as you know they are going to happen, and accept they are going to happen, you recover from them so much faster.
> 
> Chin up, you are on track for good times ahead


*sigh* thank you Darlin

This is where I question everything and then I over think everything


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> *sigh* thank you Darlin
> 
> This is where I question everything and then I over think everything


yep, been there, done that, and you know how I am at the moment


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I've had my cry, had my talking to, I didn't reply to him, not getting to any conversation with him.... thats what he wants..

*Bounces back*


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> :angel3:
> 
> It's true laughter is the best medicine. I know that my situation is so different from everyone else's being diagnosed with cancer, on top of everything else... but this forum has helped me...
> 
> ...


Don't you _dare_ feel bad about crying! That's part of the process. Accept your emotions no matter what they are. You're still acting rationally even though you're having a hard time emotionally. That is amazing! What you're experiencing now is true strength. Be proud of yourself.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> Don't you _dare_ feel bad about crying! That's part of the process. Accept your emotions no matter what they are. You're still acting rationally even though you're having a hard time emotionally. That is amazing! What you're experiencing now is true strength. Be proud of yourself.


Thank you WhereamI, I suppose Im a tad disappointed with myself that he still has this hold over me :scratchhead:

I didn't reply, I am proud of myself for that..

Also someone I don't know on facebook started sending me inbox messages telling me I was 'fit' etc..we didn't have friends in common or anything.. I asked him how he found my profile he said 'I just saw it' well that's a crock as my profile is as private as can be as I have pics of my kids on there.... I am wondering if my H has made a fake profile. I didn't 'add' him as a friend, I just said ok, have a nice day. And left it.. 

I love my H... if this is him doing all this crap I really don't understand why? *shrugs*


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Thank you WhereamI, I suppose Im a tad disappointed with myself that he still has this hold over me :scratchhead:


The thing is, he doesn't have a hold over you any longer. Yes, you feel emotional over the loss of a relationship, but that's not his doing. It's natural to feel the way you do. This is _all_ you. You are in control.



AmImad said:


> Also someone I don't know on facebook started sending me inbox messages telling me I was 'fit' etc..we didn't have friends in common or anything.. I asked him how he found my profile he said 'I just saw it' well that's a crock as my profile is as private as can be as I have pics of my kids on there.... I am wondering if my H has made a fake profile. I didn't 'add' him as a friend, I just said ok, have a nice day. And left it..
> 
> I love my H... if this is him doing all this crap I really don't understand why? *shrugs*


I'd put money on the fact that it's your husband or one of his friends doing work for him. He's scared that he's lost you now that you're putting yourself first and not begging for his return. He was testing the waters to see if another man could get your attention. You responded perfectly. He was probably hoping for you to say you were married, but you didn't. It seems like responses are coming to you naturally now.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> I'd put money on the fact that it's your husband or one of his friends doing work for him. He's scared that he's lost you now that you're putting yourself first and not begging for his return. He was testing the waters to see if another man could get your attention. You responded perfectly. He was probably hoping for you to say you were married, but you didn't. It seems like responses are coming to you naturally now.


I picked up on that pretty quickly. It could have just been anyone.. but I doubt it.. I don't know why he would do any of this? He's made all the decisions.. he doesn't want me in the msg earlier he said you and I both know we're done.. and he doesn't care if there's someone else?! This is what confuses me!

Any ideas why he _could_ be doing this? It makes no sense to me? He doesn't want me!

I feel like saying to him "Look this is your last chance, come to MC with me, try and sort this out or it's going to end in Divorce"...


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

Ami I have followed your posts for a while, and I feel for your situation. Honestly your H seems like such a control freak, I wouldn't put it past him to fish through a friend or a separate account. Whatever his motivations might be, the behavior is not healthy.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> I picked up on that pretty quickly. It could have just been anyone.. but I doubt it.. I don't know why he would do any of this? He's made all the decisions.. he doesn't want me in the msg earlier he said you and I both know we're done.. and he doesn't care if there's someone else?! This is what confuses me!
> 
> Any ideas why he _could_ be doing this? It makes no sense to me? He doesn't want me!


He wants to make sure he still has his emotional punching bag. In the past you've shown him that he can do anything he wants and you'd still love him. Can you imagine how powerful that made him feel? He's addicted to it and wants to feel it right now. You've taken that away from him and have no intention of ever giving it back. He will fight for it. 

He made sure to send something that would hurt (the old) you with every message. Saying you both know you're done, then saying he hopes your non-answer makes you happy and able to bear the situation. In the past you would have given him his drug by saying, "This isn't bearable! I want to be together." You're doing the right thing for both of you now! 



AmImad said:


> I feel like saying to him "Look this is your last chance, come to MC with me, try and sort this out or it's going to end in Divorce"...


It's WAY to early to say that. When you get to the point that you could say that to him then head out to get the papers filed _that day_, then you're ready. You're doing great, but he's still testing you to see if you'll give in. Please build your strength a bit more before considering saying anything about the relationship. Revisit the idea in a month or two.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Oak said:


> Ami I have followed your posts for a while, and I feel for your situation. Honestly your H seems like such a control freak, I wouldn't put it past him to fish through a friend or a separate account. Whatever his motivations might be, the behavior is not healthy.


Thanks Oak, yeah I agree with you, it just seems so odd and thats what drives me up the wall :scratchhead:

Doesn't want me but seems no one else can have me either?


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Ami...they want to stay friends honey,it doesn't bother them...they still want to know everything about the other person ...I guess it's curiosity and control.


> you and I both know we're done


this is where he is trying to engage you in conversation ,he is trying to get you to say...."no honey I'm not done,remember i love you i want you"... he just wants to make sure you're still on that page.


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Doesn't want me but seems no one else can have me either?


That is it EXACTLY. I would be inclined to think the man doesn't know what he wants, but not in a hopeful way. Regardless that type of control is sinister. Of course there is no proof it is him, but my spidey sense says yes. 

I was thinking about the Julia Roberts movie "Sleeping with the Enemy" lately. If we assign the behaviors we have seen from ourselves and our spouses onto those characters, who would the audience be rooting for? If you were watching the film of your life on the hallmark channel from an objective view, would you think the same way about what has happened? Or would you be screaming "No silly woman! Behiiiiiinnndddd yooooouuuuuuu!!" 

At least for me this gives some perspective and helps me stay on the right path, even though I would love to know what my W is doing, where she is living ext.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mad,

Who knew you were a secret nerd! LOL (Star Wars Galaxies). PG definitely gets points for remembering your favorite perfume and buying it for you. Awesome. I have never heard of "Aliens" before. Is it a UK thing? LOL.



AmImad said:


> He just texted me. Can I ask you something? Did you delete me from FB because of someone else? if thats the case I dont care- you and I both know we're done. FB isn't the be all and end all but I'd prefer if you was honest.


HAHAHAHAHA! See the 180 is working. He is jealous as hell! You were rght to give him taht one-word "No" answer. He has told you he's done so you know all you need to know. Have either of your filed anything yet? At this point you may want to start getting an agreement in writing/legalized re: your children.




AmImad said:


> Thanks Crank.. seriously, if he didn't care, why would he be asking the questions? :scratchhead: why is he so bothered about being my friend on FB? trying to control me again?


Because he DOES care. If he didn't, he wouldn't ask. He wants to know what you're doing at all times. It's a control thing. He wants you to be around whenever/wherever for him. Liek Where said... you're his "emotional punching bag." Or rather, you WERE until you dusted yourself up and stood tall and told him you weren't going to take his SH*T anymore. Good for you!!! And yes, it is absolutely one of those "doesn't want to be with you but doesn't want anyone else to have you."

Laughable.

You're doing very well, Mad 



WhereAmI said:


> He wants to make sure he still has his emotional punching bag. In the past you've shown him that he can do anything he wants and you'd still love him. Can you imagine how powerful that made him feel? He's addicted to it and wants to feel it right now. You've taken that away from him and have no intention of ever giving it back. He will fight for it.
> 
> He made sure to send something that would hurt (the old) you with every message. Saying you both know you're done, then saying he hopes your non-answer makes you happy and able to bear the situation. In the past you would have given him his drug by saying, "This isn't bearable! I want to be together." You're doing the right thing for both of you now!


Yes to everything Where said.

I love Oaks' analogy w/ the Sleeping with the Enemy. It's so true. (Great movie by the way).


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Wow, he's getting a little vicious. Good for you for not biting.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Thanks all,

Where, Oak, Viv, Jelly, you're all so right, I know you are like I said reading it just makes sense, but I don't know 'Why' he is doing this, what does he gain from all of this? Is he frightened that I will move on because he does infact love me, but wants me as his back up Or if he just thinks of me as his property?

No, we haven't filed yet, that's what confused me in all of this, he wants to divorce yet hes not consulted a solicitor? I haven't because I didn't want a divorce...

Yeah I was a geek girl back in the day.. Like I said if you can't beat them join them, my H would play till 4am, I never saw him he was always sat at the pc and we have 1 year old and a new born 

I gave in when my son was 3 months old..

Google Image Result for http://cdn2.iofferphoto.com/img/wantad/114/279/7/alien_perfume.jpg is the perfume God it smells so good I'd do me  lmao

PG called me last night and we chatted for an hour and he made me laugh from beginning to end, and then he texted me first thing this morning, I think he likes me *blinks* 

Whereami, his messages did bloody hurt me and I did have a cry, but I didn't respond to him at all, I think that really shows how much I have changed..

Oak, when I see/hear about other peoples situations I want to help give good advice, I am just rubbish at listening and taking in what I am saying an applying it to myself!

And Lonely... yeah he is, but he does this when he can't get his own way, a few weeks ago he really snapped at me on the phone and I hung up (never had the balls to do it before) and he sent me a text to apologise.. I am trying to be so strong, put on some invisible armour so when he does do this, it just reflects it and he is left wondering why the hell I'm not in a mess....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dude! PG definitely has a crush on you! And apparently has for a long time!!! Thanks for linking the perfume. Never heard of it before. 



AmImad said:


> Where, Oak, Viv, Jelly, you're all so right, I know you are like I said reading it just makes sense, but I don't know 'Why' he is doing this, what does he gain from all of this? Is he frightened that I will move on because he does infact love me, but wants me as his back up Or if he just thinks of me as his property?


Stop trying to mind-read him, Mad. It will get you nowhere fast. Ther eis no way to tell what's going on his head. That is why it's best to follow his ACTIONS, not his words.

Re: the divorce, one of you will have to bite the bullet eventually, unless you prefer to stay in limbo. To me, there is NO GREATER hell than the hell of Limbo. So either you guys work it out or don't. From waht I've read he sounds very selfish. I still can't get over him telling you he hoped you had cancer before you went in for your diagnosis/treatment. 




AmImad said:


> And Lonely... yeah he is, but he does this when he can't get his own way, a few weeks ago he really snapped at me on the phone and I hung up (never had the balls to do it before) and he sent me a text to apologise.. I am trying to be so strong, put on some invisible armour so when he does do this, it just reflects it and he is left wondering why the hell I'm not in a mess....


Exactly. He pouts when he can't get his way cause he's so used to conceding and giving up your end of things to placate him. You switched the game on him. Good for you!!!!! 

(p.s. we are ALL better at giving than taking advice).


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Dude! PG definitely has a crush on you! And apparently has for a long time!!! Thanks for linking the perfume. Never heard of it before.
> 
> *Well he's asked to come and spend sometime with me in a couple of weeks, he knows I have plans next weekend, so he'l come the weekend after.. he was cracking jokes and making me giggle it was really nice, he's in the middle of a computing course, and was struggling and I am his official nag/cheerleader, he said only do it, because I know when he gets paid more he can look after me *
> 
> ...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I know, but its only since I've taken a step back that I've noticed he does it. The other thing I noticed is, he would reel me in, be all nice to me building me up thinking everything was good, and agreeing that we were heading in the right direction.. then in one blow he'd knock me down again...


Not surprising. He builds you up to get what he wants, then when he does, he pulls back. He did it cause it always worked in the past for him. Now it doesn't since you have told him you wont be his plaything anymore.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Not surprising. He builds you up to get what he wants, then when he does, he pulls back. He did it cause it always worked in the past for him. Now it doesn't since you have told him you wont be his plaything anymore.


No, I just hope I can keep it up!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You CAN if you WANT and CHOOSE to


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I don't have any other choice to be fair  He's going to call in 10 mins-ish to talk to the kids I am feeling really sick *sigh*


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Be cool, Mad.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Be cool, Mad.


God, you'd be soooo proud, he called and I answered in the most happiest fun voice known to man! He seemed really put out! lmao  Littlest one spoke to him last then handed me the phone. I just said "Ok, all done, byeeeee" and hung up!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> God, you'd be soooo proud, he called and I answered in the most happiest fun voice known to man! He seemed really put out! lmao  Littlest one spoke to him last then handed me the phone. I just said "Ok, all done, byeeeee" and hung up!


you bit*h :smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

That's how you do it! When they see the other person happy they totally flip! It throws them cause they think you will be sad. 

GOLD STAR for Mad!!!

Funny story: When my husband took me to court to sue me for the mortgage *in a ploy to get me to sign the house over to him* I showed up and looked good, if I might say. We were waiting to be called into the courtroom and he was standing there agonizing, looking lost and bewildered. Like he wanted to talk to me but wouldn't. I didn't even look in his direction. I had on a trench w/ hot pumps, too. I was just laughing it up with my lawyer and there was another HOT lawyer there and I said hello to him loud enough for my husband to hear. 

Anyway I get a phone call later from husband and guess what he says? "You sure seem happy with this divorce! You were just smiling and acting like it's nothing!"

And I told him, "I'm sorry. Am I supposed to be crying and acting like the world is ending? You sued me and I showed up. I have to go now. Bye."


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> And I told him, "I'm sorry. Am I supposed to be crying and acting like the world is ending? You sued me and I showed up. I have to go now. Bye."


:smthumbup: very good


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> That's how you do it! When they see the other person happy they totally flip! It throws them cause they think you will be sad.
> 
> GOLD STAR for Mad!!!
> 
> ...


I'm getting myself quite a reward chart of late! lol 

Awww I am loving that! Bitter Sweet my love..

Thats like when I saw my H on sat, I was wearing.. http://www.asos.com/Asos/Asos-Tailo...Tailored Ruffle Blouse Two In One Pencil Dres but with a few buttons undone  With heels and I wore red lippy, my H's eyeballs popped out of his head, he didn't say anything, but kept looking me up and down ALOT.. 

When he was leaving, he noticed a lower button was undone.. (I didn't know about that one) and he mentioned it, he said "Oh you don't want to go out with it undone" I just said Oh it's ok I'm not wearing this dress... :smthumbup:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh I forgot to add to my story guys, that he ended up WITHDRAWING his motion to sue me that day! LOL. So we sat around wasting time and then he waffled before the judge had a chance to call us.

Mad, I love that dress. It's awesome! 

Haha - Love that you told him the unbuttoning was fine, just fine! He was no doubt kicking himself!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Oh I forgot to add to my story guys, that he ended up WITHDRAWING his motion to sue me that day! LOL. So we sat around wasting time and then he waffled before the judge had a chance to call us.


What an ejit! Bet he looked a right fool!

I've just been sat thinking, such a dangerous past time... I do miss my H *sigh* He isn't bothering to msg me or anything, so I guess he's got the msg..


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

That is a nice dress, very cute. Way to give me a mental picture. Hello frustration, how are you? 

Stay strong, this is the spot where you want to be. 

P.S. Ejit <--- awesome


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

good for you, I am proud of you. They hate when your happy, I am always happy when my stbx comes to get our son, and usually my son will say mom why you in such a good mood and i will just grab him and hug him and stbx stands there looking at me like as if to say yeah why is she so happy. I always say good bye todd have a good nite. it kills him. and the phone calls which i usually never answer anymore when I know its him, my son finally knows how to read, so he sees its his number on the caller id and picks it up himself, but when I do talk to him i am always the one who has to say 50 times ok let me go, he tries to bring up anything to continue talking. they dont understand why all of a sudden your not wanting to be bothered and it hurts. aww cry me a river


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Oak said:


> That is a nice dress, very cute. Way to give me a mental picture. Hello frustration, how are you?
> 
> Stay strong, this is the spot where you want to be.
> 
> P.S. Ejit <--- awesome



Haha Oak thanks for making me smile!
Resisting the temptation to text....

 I love Eejit too so much better than idiot in my opinion!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Thanks Bellringer, 
Your strength gives me hope x Thank you for being here for me xx


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I'm getting myself quite a reward chart of late! lol
> 
> Awww I am loving that! Bitter Sweet my love..
> 
> Thats like when I saw my H on sat, I was wearing.. http://www.asos.com/Asos/Asos-Tailo...Tailored Ruffle Blouse Two In One Pencil Dres but with a few buttons undone  With heels and I wore red lippy, my H's eyeballs popped out of his head, he didn't say anything, but kept looking me up and down ALOT..


ok, well, I am going off now to see the love of my life, the only one to save me from the frustration you ladies have been putting me through.

Hello weight training bench, hello bar bell, hello differing sizes of weights, did you miss me 

Crank (glad he is on anti depressants, coz if he wasn't he would certainly be needing 'em now 

edit, mind you, this is pretty saucy as well : http://www.asos.com/pgeproduct.aspx...c4551f2-93b7-400b-a86e-f0acad718f71_Campaign1


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

That would look great on you Crank!!


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

Babyheart said:


> That would look great on you Crank!!


Bwahahahaha


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Babyheart said:


> That would look great on you Crank!!


aawwww, geee, thanks Baby, though I am not sure I have the legs for it


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Oak said:


> Bwahahahaha


she really knows how to treat a bloke, doesn't she


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Ah don't be modest now, you are looking pretty fit in those new pics... :smthumbup:


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Thanks Crank.. seriously, if he didn't care, why would he be asking the questions? :scratchhead: why is he so bothered about being my friend on FB? trying to control me again?





> 'Why men marry bit*ches'....
> 
> "*Relationship Principle 39*​When a woman reacts emotionally, men get three things: attention, control, and the feeling of importance."


All he's trying to do is to check if you still care, if he's still in control over you.

When you didn't answer his FB question with the emotional "Because it hurts me too much..." but a cotton dry "No. End of discussion" he saw he had no control over you....that pi**ed him off and that's why he had to throw in the "We both know we're done"....trying to be in control again....

Don't play his stupid mind games....

He's realizing that he's losing you and this man obviously fights nasty....

He's like that one little girl in my class. I love her to death and she loves me but sometimes she will be all snooty with me and when I start ignoring her, she gets downright mean, yelling at me, hitting me for attention.....the more I ignore her the more confused she gets.....and then she gets scared....you can tell that she's terrified of losing my love for her and she starts crying, begging for my attention and clinging to me saying sorry....never fails !!!!!

And that's how I see your husband....

When you deleted him off FB he realized he might be losing you, but he isn't quite sure, so he's checking to see.....and when he sees you not jumping at him with "But I love you so much" he gets pissed because that's what is expected of you, you've taken control away from him, how dare you....so he gets mean and nasty, rubbing it in again and again that you're over....

I can almost promise you that one day he'll crack and start begging and pleading !!!!!

Some men are just like toddlers, really !!!!!

XOXO


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

rome2012 said:


> I can almost promise you that one day he'll crack and start begging and pleading !!!!!
> Some men are just like toddlers, really !!!!!
> XOXO


agreed with what you have written rome, fully agree, it is all about him trying to keep control.

Now about the above, I, and I dare say many of the guys here, did that at the start, all to no avail. But those that do it as a last resort are just sad.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I read most of this giggling! *wolf whistles at Crank* you'll look damn fine in that dress  haha

Rome, what you have written makes loooooooooooooooads of sense, I just still wonder if that is how he thinks/feels... 

It's funny because he is actually ignoring me now.. is he trying to 180 me? I sent him a text after all his crap msgs saying Oh did you want to tell me something about Myá btw.... No reply...

I really am doubting that he'll ever come back at this point *sigh* I think that when he thinks he's lost complete control and realises he's lost me, he'll just give up and move on...


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Babyheart said:


> Ah don't be modest now, you are looking pretty fit in those new pics... :smthumbup:


:rofl: you know how to make a bloke blush Baby


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I read most of this giggling! *wolf whistles at Crank* you'll look damn fine in that dress  haha


OK, you also know how to make a bloke blush Deb


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Well least I'm good for something *sigh*


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I'd like to know who deadened my spark... I feel so low today, empowerment out of the window.. 

We had a little 'uncomfortable' discussion via text this morning about him seeing the kids this weekend..

How can I change this? I feel so unhappy, is he happy with the life he's got now? He must be because he isn't running to me and asking to spend time with me.... I'll keep on with the 180 I know it's for me, but I wish he'd notice.. be scared.. fight for me... 

What can I do?


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

AmI...you might have had a high from your experience on Sat. ...I hope that's not the case .Gosh hunny you're so excused to feel low. 
You will not get over him just like that,it'll take some time so don't be surprised of the way you feel.
It's still too early for him to run back to you.He still thinks you'll break down .I think he can't stand the situation and he is trying hard to play your""game"" as he thinks it's a game. But if you stick to your guns at one point he will realize that it actually isn't and he is loosing you . He's still not proven that you're getting over him.
You have to be very strong now and keep doing what you're doing.

---------
I'm feeling low too ,the Q is why am I feeling like that when H. gives me a chance. Apparently we will be doing the Marriage Boot camp in May and he is looking for a house to sign for a year . Gosh I hate myself for wanting everything NOW,I have zero patience. I kind of realized though that I live in a fear that he will meet someone while we are separated...I just want to be there with him,i feel like if I'm there I will prevent that. I know,I know...I have jealousy issues and I have to overcome that or it'll eat me alive. :/


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

vivea said:


> AmI...you might have had a high from your experience on Sat. ...I hope that's not the case .Gosh hunny you're so excused to feel low.
> You will not get over him just like that,it'll take some time so don't be surprised of the way you feel.
> It's still too early for him to run back to you.He still thinks you'll break down .I think he can't stand the situation and he is trying hard to play your""game"" as he thinks it's a game. But if you stick to your guns at one point he will realize that it actually isn't and he is loosing you . He's still not proven that you're getting over him.
> You have to be very strong now and keep doing what you're doing.
> ...


Im just so tired of it all Viv..

I heard a song on the radio in the car and texted him  He sent me one back telling me he's in meetings all day what are the lyrics...and how was I feeling?

I just replied, Just listen to it if and when you get a chance later. If you want to see the kids Sunday you can.

I got this back.. Read the lyrics. Pretty bag on. Thought you weren't talking to me anyway as it makes it easier for you. How are the kids? I'd prefer to see them Sunday, but if you've made plans you've made plans..

I am sat crying, I don't want to play this game any more, I just want my life back.. I never said I wasn't talking to him?


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

AmImad said:


> is he trying to 180 me?


So funny, I actually JUST wrote this in my other thread. Grrr, they are so frustrating. I need to go with the 180 and stick with it, after I validate how he feels when we communicate. And I also need to send a depression article for him to hopefully read and identify with. I read it with a friend and she was like OMG, it's all your husband! Down to the exact words they used to describe how they feel. I've been stuck between feeling bad for him and his depression and being pissed and angry about the way he's abandoned me. But I do know that many marriages are thrown away due to depression. He doesn't totally fear he'll lose me because when he thinks he is, he suckers me into a talk that shows I care. He needs something to motivate him to get help. I just hope it happens sooner rather than later. Not sure how much more detaching he can do before he sees us as done.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I said to him, I never said I wasn't talking to you?

His reply was: Oh. With whole FB thing I thought you was cutting contact.

Anyone wanna disect?


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

mad, you text him hoping the song would make him have the same feelings about as you do and run back to you and when he didnt it only made you upset. you need to stop texting him, he isnt gonna tell you what your looking to hear, he dont have time to miss you and wonder what your doing when your texting him these things, see he still knows your pining over him. he is still in control.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

rome2012 said:


> All he's trying to do is to check if you still care, if he's still in control over you.
> 
> When you didn't answer his FB question with the emotional "Because it hurts me too much..." but a cotton dry "No. End of discussion" he saw he had no control over you....that pi**ed him off and that's why he had to throw in the "We both know we're done"....trying to be in control again....
> 
> ...


Yes, to everything that you said here!

Mad, you need to stay dark. IT IS working, as you can tell. You've given him whiplash. Now stay dark.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I know, I am such a f*cking fool. I feel so tired and a bit poorly, had treatment today and feel sick, this is when I miss him the most.

I realise I just had a back slide.. and I am so disappointed in myself.. I need to have more self control.. I feel like a bloody heroin addict, looking for my next fix!


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

bellringer said:


> mad, you text him hoping the song would make him have the same feelings about as you do and run back to you and when he didnt it only made you upset. you need to stop texting him, he isnt gonna tell you what your looking to hear, he dont have time to miss you and wonder what your doing when your texting him these things, see he still knows your pining over him. he is still in control.


:iagree:

Ami, you're letting your emotions dictate your actions again. You're going to have rough days, but you still need to remain in control. Today is one of those days you'd do better with the phone off. 

Your husband is an addict. You gave him a dose today, which means recovery is going to take even longer.

His NC worked on you and now he has believes he a new tool to manipulate you. Don't let it work again. When you get back on track expect him to use his new tactic immediately.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mad, sorry to hear you are feeling less than up to par with treatment. Two of my co-workers right now are going through treatment -- one via radiation and the other via surgery. For the last ten months I have watched them and have nothing but total amazement at what they are doing. 

YOu have got a LOT on your plate, woman! This mess with your husband, your children, treatments and whatnot. You are strong! Most people would crumble.

We all backslide. It's ok. Forgive yourself. Dust yourself off and go dark again.

Where is right. You have to get to the place where your emotions are left out totally. When you can get to that place, it's gravy from there on out. And I agree, your husband is an addict. He was jonesing for his fix and voila, it came from you. Cut him off again.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> I feel like a bloody heroin addict, looking for my next fix!


You are! You're addicted to the begging, pleading, and baiting. That's why everyone keeps recommending going dark. The sooner you accomplish NC the better. 

The only discussions you should be having are about finances and visits with the children. This doesn't include talking about the cutsie things the children do. He was using that to bait you and gain control. Your discussions need to read as a business transaction.

Get back on track! You can do this!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Ami, you're letting your emotions dictate your actions again. You're going to have rough days, but you still need to remain in control. Today is one of those days you'd do better with the phone off.
> 
> ...


I fully understand, I know it all makes sense, I am just feeling low and sorry for myself.... I really need some affection right now and I was stupid to think I would get it from him..

The song I actually heard on the radio was a song called So sad about us by The Who.. it wasn't a super soppy song...

Some of the lyrics:

So sad about us
So sad about us
Sad that the news is out now
Sad, suppose we can't turn back now
Sad about us

So bad about us
So bad about us
Bad - never meant to break up
Bad - suppose we'll never make up
Bad about us

Apologies mean nothing
When the damage is done
But I can't switch off my loving
Like you can't switch off the sun

So maybe he is still thinking that I am ok and moving on? :scratchhead:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He is moving on. So you should too.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> He is moving on. So you should too.


How do I know he's moving on completely? I told him the song? Im a bit confuddled


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> So maybe he is still thinking that I am ok and moving on? :scratchhead:


You talked to him about a song that says, "so sad about us." You're not fooling anyone, not even yourself. You know exactly how that looks. You just confessed about how heartbroken you are that things are over. You managed to do it in your typical indirect fashion. This is classic you. 

The new you is strong and to the point. The new you doesn't need to contact a man who doesn't respect you.

Pick up that ***** book! It seems to reach you in a way that none of us can.


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

The thing that would bother me the most is he knows you just had treatment and you dont feel well and he dont even call you to see if you need help, I mean he could come pick the kids up for a couple hours so you can get some rest. dont get me wrong my stbxh is a douche but last week when I just had stomach problems he took my son out so I could get rest.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AmImad said:


> How do I know he's moving on completely? I told him the song? Im a bit confuddled



Exactly. YOU told him the song, not the other way around.



WhereAmI said:


> *The new you doesn't need to contact a man who doesn't respect you*.



THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

> But I can't switch off my loving
> Like you can't switch off the sun
> 
> So maybe he is still thinking that I am ok and moving on?


The last 2 sentences of the song tell him something else.That you still love him and can't help it! 
AmI babe...my heart breaks for you, I know how hard it is...you want him so bad it hurts you physically. The pain is not going to stop until you make it stop.
I understand that you haven't had many break ups in your life right?! , your H. is kind of your 1st love if i'm not mistaken .
I have had break ups ,I can tell you that you can detach if you want to . I was in love with someone before my H. ,wanted to have a family with him ,he didn't want that and made it clear.I took a conscious decision to break up with him as i knew I'm wasting my time,it was hard as hell ,cried a lot BUT only 3 months later I was smiling again.That's because i decided to let him go and went NC immediately. I also met my H. after these 3 months and was ready to fall in love again. (Well the guy that I broke up with proposed to me after these 3 months ,confessed he loves me and wants me back...it was too late)

I know it's different with kids and all,that is why it's so hard for us to let go. 
(((((HUGS)))) honey


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I know, I am such a f*cking fool. I feel so tired and a bit poorly, had treatment today and feel sick, this is when I miss him the most.


I am so going over there and put you across my knee, you are not a fool, you are a person who has had a sudden loss to deal with, and then cancer and the treatment for it, you have every right to feel low at times. 

patience, you, and vivea (to name but a few) need to learn patience, nothing is going to happen overnight.



> I realise I just had a back slide.. and I am so disappointed in myself.. I need to have more self control.. I feel like a bloody heroin addict, looking for my next fix!


whether or not you know it, but that is a very good analogy. We have all been with or partners for so long that it is very very hard to be able to step back. You, and others, need to remember to not be so hard on yourselves when you do have a backslide, just remember they are going to happen, know they are going to happen, but each time they will be less intense and further apart.

Personally, I have probably got it a little easier emotionally than most of you, being on anti depressants and all, but even then I still have my low times

take care


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> You are! You're addicted to the begging, pleading, and baiting. That's why everyone keeps recommending going dark. The sooner you accomplish NC the better.
> 
> The only discussions you should be having are about finances and visits with the children. This doesn't include talking about the cutsie things the children do. He was using that to bait you and gain control. Your discussions need to read as a business transaction.
> 
> Get back on track! You can do this!


:iagree:


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

AmImad said:


> I'd like to know who deadened my spark... I feel so low today, empowerment out of the window..
> 
> We had a little 'uncomfortable' discussion via text this morning about him seeing the kids this weekend..
> 
> ...


I so feel the same, sweetie !!!!!

But the bad thing is....it takes time....

If he'd come running right now you could be darn sure he hasn't changed and hasn't understood anything....you don't want that !!!!

I just talked to Crank about that....

I don't understand why my ex-h doesn't kiss, hug, or says I love you to me....he was the one who says he wants to see what the future brings....

Well, while talking to crank about it, it dawned on me that I take 1 step forward (180) and 2 steps back (making snide remarks about women)....2 steps forward, 4 steps back.....

To my ex-h hugging might be step 20, kissing step 50 and I love you's step 100.....

But at the rate I was going I was never going to make it to even 50....so I decided I was going to change that....

I wish the feelings of our SO's would change to love over night, but then again....I'd rather have my ex-h kiss me again because he really feels the love for me than because it's expected....

Can't you go somewhere with some girlfriends or PG ????.....to pick you up, have fun and feel great about yourself again ????

I would so do that with you tonight, if you weren't so dang far away :smthumbup:....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

That is correct. You don't just "stop" loving someone. But you can detach if you want and choose to. 

In fact, detaching is the only way to get over someone. The sooner you believe that you can survive detaching, the better. It is not easy feat. Esp. if you are on the receiving end of being dumped. You feel rejected. You feel worthless/useless and think "Just what could I do to make myself good enough?" It's human nature to want to find the answers, to right the wrong, to prove yourself to the person who is leaving you.

Someone told me once: How would you feel if an ex came running/begging to be with you again? Would you feelings about reconciling change? What if they weren't rejecting you? Do you just miss them and want them so much because you can't have him? Are you just reacting to the thought you cannot be with them?

Think about it: What if you were truly detached. And your ex starts phoning saying they made a mistake and begging, crying, desperately, texting like mad, calling like crazy, like a lost squirrel. Would you still feel the same about them? Or would your opinion of them change? Would you think, 'Why couldn't they feel that way before?" Why now? Why are they pining now after all the BS they put me and our relationship through? 

Something to think about.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Think about it: What if you were truly detached. And your ex starts phoning saying they made a mistake and begging, crying, desperately, texting like mad, calling like crazy, like a lost squirrel. Would you still feel the same about them? Or would your opinion of them change? Would you think, 'Why couldn't they feel that way before?" Why now? Why are they pining now after all the BS they put me and our relationship through?
> 
> Something to think about.


And since we can't make them change their minds, we have to try to work on us.....

We have to go back to being the one they fell in love with, the someone *every* guy would love to be with !!!!!

And sweetie, if you pick up the Bit*ch Bible again and read some more, you'll eventually turn into the one....

Men will like the woman they see, not just the gorgeous you, but the fun, exciting, independent you, who doesn't need a man to make her happy....

It takes time....I know.....but we can do it !!!!!!!

:smthumbup:


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Oh God Guys, I feel like I've let you down aswell as myself  *sigh*

I know I shouldn't have done it, and when I did, I instantly regretted it, I am a div of the highest degree.. this is what happens when I am left to my own devices.. I need a 'Ami-sitter' any volunteers? 

I am quite possibly the most inpatient person in the world and want results yesterday... I am my own worst enemy..! 

I took my children out to KFC for dinner, a real treat for them, we ate in and they had ice cream, they were so pleased, I just felt so icky I couldn't face cooking, anyway.. H texted and asked if he could call the kids.. he called and my lil one told her Daddy they had KFC and was really animated.. his response.. "You had KFC... AGAIN??" Errrrm hang on there fella.. I can't remember the last time the kids had kfc?! I did homemade fish and chips the day before.. I had f*cking RT today and it drains the chuff outta me and I was crying over his sorry arse! ARRRRGH Pissed off Ami is back, how bloody dare he? Erm is he here offering to help cook? 

Seriously can someone explain to me why I actually want this man back in my life? Please?!

I am hoping against hope that I can get really strong and that he does come a running and do you know what?! I am gonna make that mans life a living f*cking nightmare!!! Ok... maybe that's a bit extreme... maybe I'll just turn him away.. 

I want to be so comfortable in my own skin, be confident, maybe even find happiness with someone else whether it's PG or some other unsuspecting fool! 

Maybe being with my H is the only thing I know, so I think that's the only way it can be? That he's the only person that can make me happy? I never thought anyone else would ever be interested in me.. that I was fat and ugly, but I'm obviously not as bad as I thought? Hey PG must like me a bit right? He see's the fun me, who doesn't chase, whinge, acts needy.. when we talk we laugh and I crack jokes.. and wind him up, he's a country boy and I'm a city girl  

Rome I've got the book next to me now and re-reading it.. I need to B1tch up and actually stick to it.. not to get him back, but to be strong enough NOT to WANT him back.. thats my aim now...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

God I am such a flaming eejit... right at the end of the b1ch bible it tells you how to stop thinking about him.. this should be at the beginning! 

But there's an excerpt that I wanted to share.. it really made me think.. (whilst I was wallowing in my gorgeous bubble bath with the smellies from PG )

"Make those people important.... those people who make you important".. It's not hard, if everyone makes and effort. And if it's become hard, and you feel like a slave labourer in this relationship stop punishing yourself. Misery is not a return. You have full control over how you are made to feel. You may feel like you are handcuffed and bound-- but you are holding the key to those cuffs and can very easily take them off.

That really moved me.. I made me think, I AM the one letting him treat me this way, he can't do it if I don't let him..

Here's another one that made me open my eyes...

_"He was wonderful in the beginning"
"I must have screwed things up"
"I need to.... do more... work harder... jump higher.."
".......and pick up a two-by-four and beat myself up with it by wearing myself out and telling myself that I am not worthy"_

Life is hard enough; you dont need anyone around darkening your doorstep to make it worse. It's not always you. Maybe it's just not a good fit. Maybe he just doesn't have the basic equipment (and nor will he with _any_woman)

This really struck a chord with me...


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Oh God Guys, I feel like I've let you down aswell as myself  *sigh*


AIM, you are not letting any one down. You are going thru expected stages.



> I need a 'Ami-sitter' any volunteers?


I could be convinced, but it would have to include some home cooked meals (that I didn't have to cook!)



> I took my children out to KFC for dinner, a real treat for them, we ate in and they had ice cream, they were so pleased, I just felt so icky I couldn't face cooking, anyway.. H texted and asked if he could call the kids.. he called and my lil one told her Daddy they had KFC and was really animated.. his response.. "You had KFC... AGAIN??" Errrrm hang on there fella.. I can't remember the last time the kids had kfc?! I did homemade fish and chips the day before.. I had f*cking RT today and it drains the chuff outta me and I was crying over his sorry arse! ARRRRGH Pissed off Ami is back, how bloody dare he?


exactly, how the bloody hell dare he, he has no right to say that at all.



> Erm is he here offering to help cook?


:rofl:



> Seriously can someone explain to me why I actually want this man back in my life? Please?!


well, I could, but it would not be productive 



> I am hoping against hope that I can get really strong and that he does come a running and do you know what?! I am gonna make that mans life a living f*cking nightmare!!! Ok... maybe that's a bit extreme... maybe I'll just turn him away..


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> God I am such a flaming eejit... right at the end of the b1ch bible it tells you how to stop thinking about him.. this should be at the beginning!


yup, it should be, but if it were at the beginning yoiu wouldn't be open to it, you have to read the rest of the book to understand the end of the book  (no, I haven't read the book)


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Ok there's more... 

"He isn't the persn I thought he was. I need to dust myself off and invest my enery elsewhere"

You can take a skunk and dip it in perfume and hope it becomes a puppy. Eventually the perfume will wear off and you'll still have a skunk on your hands..

_Always look at who you are dealing with;_What you see is what you get. His charecter won't change. His career might, his clothing might, his priorities might change. But his charecter will stay the same. The men who think it's ok to give scraps to you lack this basic equipment neccessary for a good relationship.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Seriously can someone explain to me why I actually want this man back in my life? Please?!.


Because you're crazy? Mad? Sad? Loca? Missing what he was and not what he actually is? 



AmImad said:


> Maybe being with my H is the only thing I know, so I think that's the only way it can be? That he's the only person that can make me happy? I never thought anyone else would ever be interested in me.. that I was fat and ugly, but I'm obviously not as bad as I thought?


I think when you spend so long with someone, especially when you were married to them, it's hard to imagine life w/o them or being with someone else, so that's why you feel that way.

As for you feeling less than hot, um, if that is you in the pic, I think you're cute  




AmImad said:


> God I am such a flaming eejit... right at the end of the b1ch bible it tells you how to stop thinking about him.. this should be at the beginning!


Made me laugh out loud! :rofl:


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

you could give them cereal for dinner and he cant say a word, their being fed, mine pulled that when one day my son said he had cereal, asking me if i cook for him, please, he knows I always had dinners on the table everynite, I am old fashioned i like family dinners everynite, i have to make stuffed artichokes for nt sons snack at least once a week, if i ever put frozen pizza on the table for dinner my son would say this isnt dinner this is lunch, these guys should shut the hell up, if they are so concerned about the dinners we feed them they shouldnt have left. today was good here, mine came here in a panic cause the lawyer sent him a paper about the closing on the house and if i didnt sign something i would be the one controling the sale, and he is big time worried i wont sign, believe me i want out he has nothing to worry about, but it was nice seeing him squirm, i looked at him and said calmly, are you gonna cry? it was so funny, he says why you being so noncalant, i said cause i already no what the paper means and the sale will not fall through. hes an idiot


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AmImad said:


> The men who think it's ok to give scraps to you lack this basic equipment neccessary for a good relationship.


Good one!

As for the food thing--you're letting your emotions rule again. So he said "again?" BIG FREAKIN DEAL. He can make them a home=cooked meal the next time he sees them. DO NOT react.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> AIM, you are not letting any one down. You are going thru expected stages.
> 
> *I just doesn't feel that way though..*
> 
> ...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Because you're crazy? Mad? Sad? Loca? Missing what he was and not what he actually is?
> 
> *Think all of the above, a little column a little columb b!*
> 
> ...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

bellringer said:


> you could give them cereal for dinner and he cant say a word, their being fed, mine pulled that when one day my son said he had cereal, asking me if i cook for him, please, he knows I always had dinners on the table everynite, I am old fashioned i like family dinners everynite, i have to make stuffed artichokes for nt sons snack at least once a week, if i ever put frozen pizza on the table for dinner my son would say this isnt dinner this is lunch, these guys should shut the hell up, if they are so concerned about the dinners we feed them they shouldnt have left. today was good here, mine came here in a panic cause the lawyer sent him a paper about the closing on the house and if i didnt sign something i would be the one controling the sale, and he is big time worried i wont sign, believe me i want out he has nothing to worry about, but it was nice seeing him squirm, i looked at him and said calmly, are you gonna cry? it was so funny, he says why you being so noncalant, i said cause i already no what the paper means and the sale will not fall through. hes an idiot


Hey exactly! He should be happy I fed them at all right?! I am the same, family dinners are a big thing in our house, my children always sit down to eat, and my H knows that. Like I said he didn't offer to come and cook dinner! 

Bell, he obviously thinks you're stupid! :lol: I hope I will be in this mindset sooner rather than later!


Jelly: I didn't say a word to him, when I was handed the phone, I just said "Ok, all done, have a nice night" all sweetly! :rofl:


Anyways PG called me this evening, made me smile and he's going to be working near me next week, he didn't say he'll swing by or anything, but it'll be nice if he does.. He also said he he'll call me tomoz night which is nice.. he always tells me his plans like he has to justify what he's doing before he can call me I wonder if he knows he's doing it?! heh


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I just doesn't feel that way though..


maybe, but what it feels like & reality can be two completely different things !



> I am a bloody good cook, you've seen pics of my H, he didn't get that size through not eating it was good eating! HAHA


the deal is looking better & better every minuye 



> Yet he still feels like he controls us..


He does to a certain extend because you feel that he does.



> I doubt you could come up with many reasons..


wanna bet


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> As for you feeling less than hot, um, if that is you in the pic, I think you're cute


oi, back off, I saw her first


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Good one!
> 
> As for the food thing--you're letting your emotions rule again. So he said "again?" BIG FREAKIN DEAL. He can make them a home=cooked meal the next time he sees them. DO NOT react.


:rofl: yeah. Like that ever going to happen :rofl:


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> *blush* yeah that's me, and thanks.. I'm learning to try and accept compliments, always been down on myself and never really had anyone to pick me up and tell me otherwise


Well, you have men & women telling how lovely & pretty you are, if I was you I would watch out for the women though


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Anyways PG called me this evening, made me smile and he's going to be working near me next week, he didn't say he'll swing by or anything, but it'll be nice if he does.. He also said he he'll call me tomoz night which is nice.. he always tells me his plans like he has to justify what he's doing before he can call me I wonder if he knows he's doing it?! heh


probably not actually thinking, but he sounds like he wants you to know why he can't just drop in at a moments notice so you don't lose interest thinking that maybe he has had his bit and now is moving on elsewhere. Ego, a BIG thing to a male, crush that and you crush the man, problem is a mans ego is a very delicate thing.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

PG has a crush on you


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> PG has a crush on you


Oh yeah go on AmI!! :smthumbup:


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> PG has a crush on you


he does, doesn't he 
onya Deb, way to go


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

PG is definitely into you BUT he obviously knows your situation ,he knows you still have feelings for your H. and he's just going to give you more time.He'll take the slow approach and let you know he's around until he can see that you are healing.
We like PG  ,he wants our beautiful AmI....he must be a smart guy!:smthumbup:


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

vivea said:


> PG is definitely into you BUT he obviously knows your situation ,he knows you still have feelings for your H. and he's just going to give you more time.He'll take the slow approach and let you know he's around until he can see that you are healing.
> We like PG  ,he wants our beautiful AmI....he must be a smart guy!:smthumbup:


yeah, I am just a little jealous of him, he is going to have one bloody fantastic woman, that is for sure !!!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

*blush* thanks all.

I don't know if he does like me or not, I'm crap at reading the signals and have no idea how to do anything... ! He obviously doesn't see me as a one night stand, but for all I know he could think of me of a friend with benefits?

Anyone as some of you might know, for the last week I was staying with my parents due to me having the op.. well last night was the first time back in my own house.
I've really struggled, I've had panic attacks and feeling rather down.

Last night, I put the children to bed, had a soak in the bath reading the B1tch bible, I then busied myself, I spoke on the phone to a couple of people PG being the last one and I was made to smile, but also left feeling, "What the hell is going on with us?" which in turn led me to thinking "What the hell is going on with me?" I feel like I am playing with fire... I love my H.. but someone else is making me smile...

Then I am sat curled up on my sofa, wishing my H was here, with his big arms wrapped around me, making me feel safe...

But he's not missing me, he's not sending me any msgs asking if I am ok, he used to send me a text saying g'nite, I don't get that any more.. I've well and truly lost him.. He seemed quite c0cky that I wasn't talking to him.. "That it made it more bearable for myself" I never bloody said that! He doesn't seem affected that I am not talking to him. I know the 180 is for me, I do, but I wish he'd thought "sh1t I am losing her for good, what the hell am I doing?" But no it seems to be "Ah she's backed off, thank God, that makes it so much easier for me to go off and do whatever I want"

If I am so bloody fantastic why did my H leave me and then continue to stay away?... Why does he keep telling me we're done when all I want to say to him is NO we're not.. I love you....


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> *blush* thanks all.


you ought to be getting use to the attention by now 



> If I am so bloody fantastic why did my H leave me and then continue to stay away?... Why does he keep telling me we're done when all I want to say to him is NO we're not.. I love you....


brain dead, fool, blind, iq of an ant (no, should insult ants), the list goes on Deb, and I could go on as well !


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> you ought to be getting use to the attention by now
> 
> 
> 
> brain dead, fool, blind, iq of an ant (no, should insult ants), the list goes on Deb, and I could go on as well !


So what do I do? I can't 'win' him back... I can't compete with his new life... :scratchhead::scratchhead: 5 months he's been away and he said he'd have been back by now if he wanted me... my hope has flown out of the window, I want to call him up and say, please spend some time with me, I miss you... I know I can't.. if I did I know i'd be shot down in flames..

I am so done with hurting now..


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> So what do I do? I can't 'win' him back... I can't compete with his new life... :scratchhead::scratchhead: 5 months he's been away and he said he'd have been back by now if he wanted me... my hope has flown out of the window, I want to call him up and say, please spend some time with me, I miss you... I know I can't.. if I did I know i'd be shot down in flames..
> 
> I am so done with hurting now..


what do you do, don't try to compete, simple, ok, not so easy, but that is the answer, you have to leave him alone as much as you can, you have to get on with your life, and you have 3 bloody good reasons for doing that, and they are far more important that H is.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> what do you do, don't try to compete, simple, ok, not so easy, but that is the answer, you have to leave him alone as much as you can, you have to get on with your life, and you have 3 bloody good reasons for doing that, and they are far more important that H is.


I hear ya, I suppose I just need to keep busy, I plan on doing more with the children, this morning they asked if we can go to the library after school, we haven't done that for ages! 

I kinda feel that I've put my life on hold and thus their lives have been affected, whereas if I just get on with it, it will bring some normality back to our lives.

I want to feel confident, be confident, no one can just hand that to me on a plate.. I have to work for it myself.


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

This past weekend....I started from the beginning and read every post and comment that was written by you on this particular thread. You have been thru alot and continue to go thru alot....not only emotionally but physically as well. And I know all to well about loving your husband and just wanting the life that you knew before all this crap came into the picture. We have very similar stories. I know the pain of needing to move on....but not really wanting to....but we have no choice, neither one of us, we have to move forward....unfortunatly, it is going to be without our husbands!! There are some days...I feel confident and secure that I actually am going to survive this situation and that better things are in store....then there are days that I just want to lay in bed all day and cry because I miss him so much. I miss our family. I miss all our little inside jokes. I could go on and on. I know you feel the same exact way!!! It sure sucks!!! But like everyone says on here...this is a day by day process....it is going to take time......but I know you will survive without your husband....and you will come out on top!!!!!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

^^^^^^^^ and thats the truth (see new thread by AIM!)


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

YouTube - ADELE - SOMEONE LIKE YOU w/ OFFICIAL LYRICS

I heard it in the car on the way home, I didn't want to make the mistake of telling him, so posted it here... just venting.. if you do listen to it, grab tissues.. I needed too...

Denise, it's just having the strength to carry on. I think I should start at the beginning and read the posts and see how I have evolved.. maybe I will suprise myself? Or maybe I'll just see I am going round full circle *sigh* x


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

my sister sent me an email and told me to listen to a particular song. I think this song would def. apply to you. However, I am warning you ahead of time....have tissues....because if you are anything like me....you will be crying your eyes out.....but if you listen to the words of the song.....it is us at this very moment!!!! Look it up on youtube..... the artist is Sara Evans....the song is " A little bit stronger"


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

I love that song! It really hits the nail right on the head.


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

yes it does!!! I am listening to it right now....and instead of crying over how I miss my husband and old life....I am happy knowing that I am getting a little bit stronger each day......baby steps!!!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

damn, ok, if this is going to be a song contest;

YouTube - Rose Tattoo - We Can't Be Beaten (1982)

rock on !!!!

this is US , you betta believe it !!!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Denise, just looked up the lyrics, that is us to a tee! I didn't want to cry again, so didn't listen to it.

I am smiling again, all thanks to PG and Mr Crank!

I can't keep doing this!

Ok Old-ish song annoying voice but the words spot on!

YouTube - M PEOPLE - Moving On Up


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Denise, just looked up the lyrics, that is us to a tee! I didn't want to cry again, so didn't listen to it.






> I am smiling again, all thanks to PG and Mr Crank!


takes a bow



> I can't keep doing this!
> 
> Ok Old-ish song annoying voice but the words spot on!
> 
> YouTube - M PEOPLE - Moving On Up


good, real good song


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Ok soppy cow mode song for PG...

YouTube - Kings Of Leon - Use Somebody heard it and it remided me of him all together now awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

It is a damn nice song Deb


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## thinner (Feb 28, 2011)

Natasha Bedingfield ... Unwritten
I always thought that was pretty inspirational, even though i'm a guy.
thinner


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

thinner said:


> Natasha Bedingfield ... Unwritten
> I always thought that was pretty inspirational, even though i'm a guy.
> thinner


Love that song, and her cover of chasing cars... but that reminds me of H


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

It's been a month since I started this thread and I am really no better off now as I was then 

I need a rocket up my backside or something... I need a bloody good talking to.. please


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mad, you are in a better place.
You just got the all-clear regarding the breast cancer.
That is awesome!!! 
You have made it through a month and come out even stronger.
The sooner you detach, the better.
You are worth good things. Know that.


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## thinner (Feb 28, 2011)

I agree with Jelly Beans, I find myself occasionally sinking back into that depressing hole and then think of the future...the new future. I honestly think that out of this whole experience you will blossom as a new and stronger person. Too often I think we lose our own individual self-perception and only see ourselves as our spouse used to perceive us. You sound like a really strong person. you just need to re-find that confident self-perception that you most likely used to have and start living again, confident and secure.
my .02
thinner


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Picked up the kids and heard another song! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yY3Cehy***o

It actually made me laugh rather than cry!

Thank you Jelly and Thinner... in the past 5 months he has put me through hell and back, and I have been dealing with the big 'c' and 3 children and guess what I am still here! 

I hate it when I feel low, *sings* then I go and spoilt it all by saying something stupid like I love yoooooooooooooou!

I am a jolly nice person, I wear my heart on my sleeve (something I am working on) I am not a _Complete_ dog, I am a great mummy, my kids tell me every single day... I would make someone a great wife! HAHAHAHA *Coughs*

Ohhhhh if I don't joke I will cry Thank you all, we can all do it, all be in a better place, who knows a year down the line we could be saying what was all the fuss about?


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I just posted this on FB for my TAMers and wanted to to share here 

YouTube - the blanks somewhere over the rainbow


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I just posted this on FB for my TAMers and wanted to to share here
> 
> YouTube - the blanks somewhere over the rainbow


I justs :lol: ed


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> I justs :lol: ed


I love it!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I hate it when I feel low, *sings* then I go and spoilt it all by saying something stupid like I love yoooooooooooooou![/qoute]
> depends on who you say it to
> 
> 
> ...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

*hugs* thanks Mr Crank, you always manage to bring a smile to my face..

You know what, I am pretty damn special (not in a window licking kinda way) I can't make him love me or want me.. If he think he can get better that THIS good luck to him.. one day he'll realise just how much he has thrown away and how difficult he makes life with his 'issues' I really honestly hope no other MUG will put up with him and he's f*cking lonely shell of a man and he feels a million times worse than he made me feel...

Honestly I DO think I am too GOOD for him.. I just need to remember that...


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> *hugs* thanks Mr Crank, you always manage to bring a smile to my face..







> You know what, I am pretty damn special (not in a window licking kinda way) I can't make him love me or want me.. If he think he can get better that THIS good luck to him.. one day he'll realise just how much he has thrown away and how difficult he makes life with his 'issues' I really honestly hope no other MUG will put up with him and he's f*cking lonely shell of a man and he feels a million times worse than he made me feel...
> 
> Honestly I DO think I am too GOOD for him.. I just need to remember that...



the scared little girl is quickly growing into a beautiful, confident princess


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> the scared little girl is quickly growing into a beautiful, confident princess


Hehe this little girl is going to be 31 in a week! haha


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Hehe this little girl is going to be 31 in a week! haha


remind me when you hit 50


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Didn't have a very good sleep  woke up feeling really empty, running things through my head, trying to understandthings, but how can I when I don't have any answers?? He doesn't contact me, he doesn't ask how I am, he clearly doesn't miss me... I think about texting him, but if he really wanted to contact me he would wouldn't he? I wonder if he ever sits & thinks of the good times? Misses hugs? Misses his best friend? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

He texted, had a nice-ish chat.. It's made me realise just how much I miss us being 'us' I hope he felt it too?


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Hugs! It's so hard, isn't it? I guess you willed him to text, with your first post.  I don't think we will ever fully understand things. I sit and go WTF all the time. I don't understand a thing he does or the things he doesn't do. Every night, I wonder how he could just do his thing without even telling me goodnight. The nights are the hardest. I mean, he tucked me into bed every night for over 12 years. But then he also calls for no reason at all. I think our best course of action is to try not to wonder what they feel or think. If they wanted us to know, they'd tell us. Working on controlling me! 

I'm awake and all anxious because 1) I know I'm seeing H tonight as he is coming over to play with the kids while I go out. And 2) because I have to go to a funeral today and I'll be off work, which means less things to busy my mind. My mom is also going to be with me tonight, and I fear her letting loose on H!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Yeah I had the same with my H, he always came to bed with me, we'd go up together, tuck the kids in, climb into bed and snuggle up for 15 years  I wonder if he even misses me in bed, I know I do him, even after 5 months of sleeping alone.. 

Yeah I agree with you, I keep thinking does he miss me, is he having regrets, second thoughts.. but he'd contact me if that's the case and he's not... Infact I think he is going out tonight, I want to know if he is seeing someone else.. but I cant ask him.. 

*hugs* I get little panic attacks when I know I am going to see him.. and he always smiles at me, last week, he gave me a cheeky wink, something he always did for me.. killed me when he walked away.. Sorry to hear you're going to a funeral  Respectfully ask your Mum not to say anything, because you don't want to rock the boat xx


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

H. worked nights so we were not sleeping together really...only the last 3 hrs of my sleep. I still missed him though ,I can't imagine if he slept with me and all of a sudden he was gone .He did tuck me in on his days off though...and massaged me.
Towards the end we slept in different rooms ,he was complaining he doesn't sleep well and we completely blackened out the guest room so he can sleep during the day. So we were sleeping like that since August. I was watching a show where they said it's a complete NO-NO ...no matter what you have to sleep with your spouse or else you lose important part of the connection. I of course regretted it big time because when he separated from me i knew he's not going to miss sleeping with me.

Gosh girls i wish i can openly talk to H. so I can give you an insight of how their brain works.I will ask him at one point BUT i do not want to go there now.
Things are really good so far,he got a house ,we are moving at the End of April.He's very excited,calls me all the time now to chat with me,sends emails,texts.Told me on his own for the 1st time since separation "miss you" .I was floored.
I don't know what happened and why he recovered so fast (or at least is recovering and trying) BUT i think he talked himself into it ...the same way he was convincing himself before that he's better off me.
I'm just so puzzled with this behavior .How can i convince myself that i want a divorce and i don't love him ...and later to convince myself that i do NOT want a divorce and i love him...


So sorry girls for the way you feel today... 
(((hugs)))


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I have no doubt he misses you it's just that his mind is it "I'm out" mode. 

So just try your best to get THROUGH this.

Again, if he doesn't want to be with you, then you need to accept that move on w/ your life.

Sleeping with my H was one of my fave things in the world and I do miss it but I try to think of it as a half-remembered song now. Knowing it won't happen again. That sucks but there is no sense in dwelling in the past.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I bit the bullet, I couldn't cope with the mood swings, I've been dealing with cancer blah blah blah well anyways I went to the docs and I am now on anti ds 

I broke down big time to the doctor, balled my eyes out like a baby, I told him how weak and embaressed I feel and that I should be strong.. well he went to town on me I can tell ya.. he even gave me a cuddle, which in turn made me cry even more..

I am hoping these will help level me out a bit..


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I hope they help you out, too. When do you start taking them?

There is nothing wrong with ADs in fact in my own situation, I wish I would have gotten an Rx for them. It was the worst depression of my life.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I've got them now, I am going to take one when I've eaten.. 

I'm not ashamed of taking them, I was embaressed that I wasn't strong enough, but I am on a downward spiral right now, and I was afraid of getting worse!


I am happy/sad crying.... My daughter is singing YouTube - Glee- Don't Stop Believing (Scene from Show) to me and she has an amazing voice!

And my son has just said "dont worry Mummy I'll look after you"

So Go F*CK YOURSELF LIAM.... Look what I have!!!!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I bit the bullet, I couldn't cope with the mood swings, I've been dealing with cancer blah blah blah well anyways I went to the docs and I am now on anti ds


why the sad face, I have been on them for a while now, sure as hell has helped me, 40mg Paroxetine each morning, 25mg Seroquel a couple of times a day when needed, tho I havn't had any of those for a few weeks now, 50mg Temazepam at night, though I havn't had any of those for a few weeks either 
The thing is Deb, they may take 4 - 6 weks to really kick in, might be a week before you start feeling less moody, so you have to take them and keep taking them, and make sure you take them at about the same time each day.



> I am hoping these will help level me out a bit..


they will, but you have to give them time to kick in.


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## questionmarkwife (Mar 22, 2011)

Amimad,
hey amimad guess im in the same situation. im here only separated for a month now but im waiting for my husband to come around. come around to loving me again. he put me thru so many things since i found out that he has been cheating on me all of our 3yr marriage together. i left him for 2 months when i found out. i decided to give him a chance and i moved back in with him for 6 months. and yet he kept cheating.now i left again and its been a month. he makes it hard for me to leave him for once and for all bc he holds on to me in many ways. he holds on to me the most bc we have two kids together. and he is always giving me false hope. i cant take it anymore. he has been stringing me along forever. im not in love with him(i think). i have some love for him and care for him. the thing is, its easy to let go, but i cant. i want him in my life for many reasons. he says he is working on himself and going to therapy for all his issues.(good for him) but WTH am i supposed to do in the meantime. i have no patience waiting for relationship. i just want to fix it now and for all. the thing is that kills me is that im so tempted to text him all the time to see wat the hell is going on in his head. and how come it doesnt bother him when we dont communicate at all. and from time to time i end up texing him or he texts me to see how im doing. but the problem with both of us is that we are in some communication(no matter wat the reason is) with our husbands that it slows the process and drive for them to come around and do something about it. its always thecat and mouse game in a relationship. when u dont care wat so ever and ur husband sees that- thats when thy will react and do something and finally care. and when he doesnt care that when we care so much. the sooner we put our foot down the sooner they come around.i guess im saying be strong and hold ur ground and dont have no communication with him. he will come around ull see. and to make sure he is genuinly and wants you badly- when he does come around dont give in right away. let him beg for u. reject him a couple times so he knows ur not easy and ur worth more and ur not gullable to him. than take him back. he will appreciate u more after all of this. and u will be happy together. he just needs help seeing this!!!!! I NEED TO TAKE MY OWN ADVICE!!!!!! the thing is its hard to do this all, to have patience without being tempted to communicate with him. i just want my pain to go away and to be a happy family again. any advice for me?


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I've got them now, I am going to take one when I've eaten..
> 
> I'm not ashamed of taking them, I was embaressed that I wasn't strong enough, but I am on a downward spiral right now, and I was afraid of getting worse!


don't be, emotions are a strong thing to deal with, as we have all found out !!



> I am happy/sad crying.... My daughter is singing YouTube - Glee- Don't Stop Believing (Scene from Show) to me and she has an amazing voice!
> 
> And my son has just said "dont worry Mummy I'll look after you"


awww, aint that just beautiful 



> So Go F*CK YOURSELF LIAM.... Look what I have!!!!


:smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> why the sad face, I have been on them for a while now, sure as hell has helped me, 40mg Paroxetine each morning, 25mg Seroquel a couple of times a day when needed, tho I havn't had any of those for a few weeks now, 50mg Temazepam at night, though I havn't had any of those for a few weeks either
> The thing is Deb, they may take 4 - 6 weks to really kick in, might be a week before you start feeling less moody, so you have to take them and keep taking them, and make sure you take them at about the same time each day.
> 
> *I have to talk one a day he said they may make me drowsy so I can take it either at night or the morning*
> ...


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I have to take one a day he said they may make me drowsy so I can take it either at night or the morning


the ones I have I have in the morning, they don't make you drowsy.



> I've got to stick to them and will be on them for 6months


6 months is a short time, if you have to longer you have to go longer, no big deal.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I dont think that I will EVER understand my H...
Well the children and I went out today, had a fab day I'm very pleased to say.. Anyway H called the kids to say goodnight, I was sitting next to my eldest when he spoke to her, well he said to her where did you go etc, then he said "So was it just Mummy, you, J and L that went?" She informed him that her uncle went too (he's 15) M told him that we took some amazing pics and he said he couldn't wait to see them tomoz, she said no, they're on facebook! So of course he can't see them...

Then he spoke to our son and asked him if we did anything last night.. Did 'we' go out and do anything?...We actually had a sleepover at my parents, but J didn't tell him that, infact didn't tell him anything....

So it seems like he is checking up on me through the kids?... or am I reading too much into it? I spoke to him briefly he sounded ill, I asked if he was ok, and he just said he was feeling rough... I said "Aww bless" condescending much?!  and I just said ok Bye....and hung up...

Why does he want to know who was with us? He is living his own life, I have no insight to his... I don't ask as much as I want too!!


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

He's feeling like he's losing control over you....

I'm sure he's not 100% detached from you....

If he was (after 15 years) he would be one heartless son of a bit*ch !!!!!

Maybe he's slowly cracking....a little crack here and there....

I hope it for you, sweetie !!!!!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

rome2012 said:


> He's feeling like he's losing control over you....
> 
> I'm sure he's not 100% detached from you....
> 
> ...


Thanks Rome, 

I don't know, he's doing a pretty good impression of someone who is! When I saw the doc yesterday, he said it's easy for H to shut it all out because of his aspergers  so he could have completely checked out? Thing is, I cant even ask him! 

Again I don't think so.. I think he may have someone else.. and I think he's loving his single life too much.. he's not even thinking about me, like I said he doesn't know what the hospital have said.. he hasn't even asked..

:scratchhead:

I deserve more than this....


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

5months today 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

, but on a brighter note, you are a much better person that you were 5 months ago !!!!


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

hugs AmI...hang in there


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Hang in there sweetie. Look at how far you have come!


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

Thinking of you, keep your chin up.


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

You can do it!!!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes I want to echo Denise... YOU CAAAAAN DO IT!!! 

Have you heard from PG again? Nosey folks (ok, I) want to know


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

AmI how are you hunny ?! Keep writing.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Hey all, 

Sorry I had a day of no posting, trying to sort my head out really.. I feel like I don't know whether I am coming or going.

I'm a few days into taking the anti depressants now, I'm not really sure if there's a difference as yet, apart from feeling tired and nauseous. 

Well as you may have seen from the NC/LC thread I posted a rant about H turning up with a love bite... this broke my heart all over again..I walked calmly out of the house and drove about half way down my street and broke my heart... I called a friend and cried my eyes out.. I then drove to my Dad's and had a chat to him. I decided that I didn't want H in my house, that he had disrespected me, so I texted him and asked him to leave @ 4pm, that I would be home just before and if he could have finished whatever he was doing by then and be ready to leave I'd be grateful. He wasn't best pleased, but I didn't care..

Anyways, I got home, I'd been food shopping and he asked if I wanted help with the bags, I cut my nose off to spite my face and said no, I didn't want him anywhere near me, my son came to the rescue and helped me bless him.

I was putting stuff away and H was chatting at me, I just grunted responses where appropriate, and carried on with what I was doing.

When finished I sat on the sofa, he tried to talk to me again, asking what beach I had taken the kids to on Sat, I said that we didn't know we'd pointed in the direction of the forest, saw a sign for a castle then as we were driving along we saw a carpark next to a little beach so we stopped, I informed him that we had a lovely time and I had taken some amazing pictures.

He tried to ask me how RT was going, and whether I'd had my results. I said I'd seen my consultant earlier in the week, he asked what happened, I just said.. It doesn't matter. He got the arseache swore under his breath. I did say Pardon, but he never replied. 

I said to the kids "Ok say goodbye to Daddy" he again muttered under his breath "I suppose I better get my f*cking shoes on then" I didn't respond, the kids all cuddled him goodbye then the girls sat with me on the sofa cuddling me, my son, came over and said he wanted to join in with the group hug, and he said "here's your happy pill Mummy" and he kissed my forehead, all the while H was just standing there looking at us. 

I said "Who's going to see Daddy out?" No one moved or said anything. He said "Who's going to open the front door for me?" Lil one jumped up and ran to open the door the rest of us stayed seated, I didn't even say bye.. anyway she opened the door, he walked out she said bye then closed the door on him! He pushed his hand through the letter box, something he always used to do to make them laugh when they were little, she walked away... I could still see him standing at the door..

He didn't even called them to say good night.

I didn't sleep all night, I did alot of thinking... also my kids weren't well  

I decided that I was going to send him a text in the morning... this is the conversation:


M: Please call the kids @ 6:30pm during the week if it's much later they wont answer the phone. You can pick them up 10am on Sat morning and drop them off @ 5pm, you wont be coming into our home. Also you wont be introducing them to your 'friend' until our divorce is finalised. Thank you. Enjoy your day.

H: What friend? I can't do this sat morning as discussed.

M: Unless pre-arranged you will have them Saturdays. I also need your new address. Oh and what friend? The one who you're seeing.

H: So now I'm seeing someone? Well played Columbo.

M: Well your neck suggests so.. unless you didn't notice that. What you do is nothing to do with me, nor do I care, but where my children are involved, I'd appreciate it if we could stick to the boundries in place.

H: My neck? What the f*ck are you on about? You seriously need to sort your sh1t out. You told me I was the one with a split personality, this is you flip-flopping from vaguely reasonable to just plain weird.

M: Go and look in the mirror, even your eldest asked what the 'mark' was...

H: That's a dead spot, I've got one next to my nose as well, one on my upper left thigh and my back is covered with them, I had pizza friday and it was a mistake and this is hilarious.

M:Oh really ok.... whatever like I said, nothing to do with me. Spot or not were done. I need your address.

H: Confirm all of this (maybe not the weird stuff) by email and I'll get back to you.

Me: Weird stuff right, pizza makes you spotty & gives you a love bite shaped bruise in 2 days hahahaha oh you do make me laugh. Address please and this will all be confirmed in writing.

H: I don't have it to hand. Confirm this weird but very entertaining conversation by email and I will respond with my address later.

M: No, just send the address via email.

H: You need to confirm the access hours. I'll let you do it now. Have a lovely day.

M: Yes, I will, in writing not email. Also in the future please don't question the kids on where we go out and who with. Thanks.

H: I asked them about their day at the seaside. In future I've got a feeling I'll do what I f*cking like but thanks for the guidance.

M: When you spoke to Myá on the phone you asked her if it was just me, her, Jack and Livvy went....

M: Enjoy your day, I'm sure you will anyway, whereas I have got 3 children with stomach upsets, so no RT for me today.

H: I asked if Nana and Grandad went (which is a big fat lie, I was sat next to Myá and heard the whole convo!) I hope that the kids feel better soon, I'm worried that it was the BK as I was unwell last night, but thought it was the bread. Not that you give a f*ck..

H: And no idea if a day off from RT gives you any respite or makes you feel ok-ish for a day, but I hope that too despite what you think.

M: I thought it would be the BK as they've all got it. Please don't pretend to be concerned about me.

H: I am. Don't throw it back in my face I'd rather you just said nothing.

*This is where I got a tad pissed off.*

M: Oh so how many times have you called and asked if I'm ok, how RT was or what the consultant said?? Thats right none. Have you offered to come over and help with the kids?? Errrm No. I don't need the fake concern.

H: You refuse to tell me how you are. Case in point yesterday and it took you a week to tell me that the consultant said you had another lump. But it's my fault for not asking. Hope the kids feel better soon.

M:I called you on Monday straight after my op... I called YOU, you never bothered again... hence me saying it didn't matter yesterday. You've shown no f*cking concern. You've made it clear how you feel, you're getting on with your life. I'm not your concern, so you don't bother with me simple. Like I said we're done. I dont need this called the kids tonight as arranged.

He called them in the evening... Then the girls were ill I texted him to tell him, he basically said thanks for letting me know that was it.


Then I get a msg 23:30pm 

H: Sh1t dont think I wrapped one of your presents (he bought the children presents to give me on my birthday and mothers day) and Im worried I threw it away by mistake. Can you look for a Whittards bag? Should have stuff in it.

I ignored it..

This morning @ 9:30am

H: Did you get my message last night? How are the kids doing?

Me: Yes, found it. The kids are ok, back to school tomorrow.

H: Glad to hear they're on the mend. I'll get that present wrapped the next time I see the kids.

I never bothered to reply... I don't know where he'll wrap it? I've said he's not coming in...

I did send him about 8 pics of the kids via email. No msg, just the subject line.

He never replied or texted about it so I don't know if he got it *shrugs*

This is the first time I've been cold and said we're done. I don't know if it will make him realise anything, probably not. 


Also about the pizza thing.. my H has a wheat allergy, and he used to get love bite looking marks on his back but never EVER saw one on his neck......

I can't do this crap any more.

Yesterday, I trapped a nerve in my lower back, the pain was immense couldn't walk, breath anything, I just felt so sick. My daughter had to help me cook dinner, which she loved, but I felt awful  I was crying my eyes out. I never told him anything. I'm on my own now. 

Still very bruised today 

Jelly.. Yeah I heard from PG, he called me last night, he is coming to see me on Wednesday evening as he's working 18miles away from me, he texts me every day pretty much and we talk most evenings.


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

Hang in there Ami. 

I can't speculate on the love bit situation, except to say that we have to be careful about jumping to conclusions because of what we expect. Of course we don't need to wear blinders either 

This is just one more incident on top of the pile. Remember your goal. You wanted to limit your contact. If you do have to contact him, steel yourself and try not to react. Come on here and chew us out, but try not to react. That way when you are calmer you can RESPOND to him instead if needed. You can do it! Big hugs.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

I love how he acts like YOU are unreasonable. I got a chuckle out of that whole interchange.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Thanks Oak and Lonely.

I felt very strong when I sent those messages, I knew what I wanted and what was going to happen. I feel very low right now. But I haven't been sleeping very well these past couple of nights.

I don't need this man in my life, he's knocked me down at every turn, even the day I had an operation... I have to keep remembering this.. he isn't the man I love, he's the same shell but the insides have long gone 

Lonely, I am ALWAYS in the wrong, have you noticed this?!


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Thanks Oak and Lonely.
> 
> I felt very strong when I sent those messages, I knew what I wanted and what was going to happen. I feel very low right now. But I haven't been sleeping very well these past couple of nights.
> 
> ...



I go through that too. I feel so strong, and then so weak. I think it's part of the process. I will say, though, that my H doesn't blame me for things. I don't know if that's really how he feels or if it's self pity. But he says it's all his fault and he'll never be good enough, blah blah blah. Does he not notice that I'm putting up with a heck of a lot, and it isn't just for the kids?!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

My H said the same, we deserve better than he can give us, I'll find someone that will treat me the way I should be treated blah blah blah.

Then at the same time he says I am too hard work and he can't be bothered.... so thats nice...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

NOW can you see why it's best to go NO CONTACT unless it involves the children???

You are only hurting yourself, Mad, by staying in touch with him or bringing up hickeys, or telling him there is someone else and leaving your home while he stays there.

You are going in circles nowhere fast, do you see it? You are giving him all the power while you stay angry and he carries on as if nothing, because for him it IS nothing. He doesn't give a sh*t anymore and prob gets off on you being so upset. It strokes his ego. DON'T let him see you sweat. Not one second more.

I was you for a long time and I look back now and want to kick myself in the f-cking head for all the BS I was saying, long drawn out text messages, phone calls, looking back--it was futile. He was already gone. 

In the future, DON'T leave your house whuile he's in it. He doesn't get that privilege. He doesn't get to walk around in YOUR house anymore while you are off. He lost that right. 

If he's cheating, he will deny it til the very end. Have you ever seen the tv show "Cheaters?" Even when the cheaters gets caught red-handed by their partner they deny and deny and/or doesn't have a good excuse. 

LET HIM GO.* NO MORE CONTACT unless it's about the kids*. SERIOUSLY (like your thread title says). 

Do you have PG have plans for Wednesday?



LonelyNLost said:


> But he says it's all his fault and he'll never be good enough, blah blah blah.





AmImad said:


> My H said the same, we deserve better than he can give us, I'll find someone that will treat me the way I should be treated blah blah blah.


They say this because they know deep down they are wrong as hell and are guilty as sin so they have to push off on how much better you will find someone else to be than them because they know what they've done to you is completely reprehensible. They haven't fully grasped the reality or conseuqnces of their actions and by the time they do, you will be long long gone and over it. It's sad, really. But like folsk say, give them enough rope to hang themselves with.

My stbx ONE TIME ONLY texted me saying "I know this must be very difficult for you."

Which means he knew he f-cked up and hadn't owned it yet.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Thanks for your insight JB, yeah it really makes sense. 

I was upset about his neck, but I was going to go out shopping anyway so he was with the kids on his own, but also because he was going to get his 'fix' of being with me.

I dropped the kids off to him when he was late and told him I was going to go shopping when he got back, he said "Oh why don't you go now, then you'll be there for when we get back" The thing is, I think he must miss me a little bit, he cant have his cake and eat it. I'll do it for birthdays but thats it.

I've set out the boundries now, I'm sticking to them. He doesn't care.. he may say he does... but it's the actions..

As for PG he's going to call me tonight to arrange it. I might cook something? No idea.. He's been really sweet, texting to see if I am ok, if I need to go to the Docs or anything.. it's weird having someone else be concerned for you when your own H doesn't give a sh1t.

At the moment I am feeling kinda numb.. H just called to talk to the kids, but they are eating, so I just said they'll call you back and hung up. 

I never thought my life would be this way..


Yeah I wonder if subconsiously he knows what he is doing is wrong, I wonder if he is scared that one day I wont be his safety net.... *shrugs*


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh he knows he walked away from you and your kids. Believe that.

He just doesn't care. Believe that.

As far as him benig afraid you won't be the safety net--he's not there yet--cause you haven't cut him off yet. Only when you do that will the reality of divorced life hit him. Right now you are his doormat. The one who he chose to leave and still calls him asking about his involvement w/ other people, the one who is still pining for him, the one who still CARES about him while he does whatever the frog he wants. Dno't be that woman, Mad. Be strong.

You must carry on as if your marriage is already over, that you're divorced, Mad. It's the only way to move to the next step.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I know, I need to do this now, I've told him I am done, now I need to stick to the programme.

I have to keep thinking he's not coming home, he's made no effort whatsoever. He doesn't want me, it's his loss, one mans trash is anothers treasure so they say....


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

Um, please don't refer to yourself as his trash. YOU are the one cleaning house after all.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Well you knew what I meant!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You are not trash. If anyone is, it's him. LOL. 

Mad, though this is harsh, if you must, do what I used to do every morning I woke up feeling hopeless or thinking, there was still hope... I would say in my head over and over "He does not want to be married/he wants out" or "He has chosen this path."

Over and over again til it sticks.


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

Or write it down and read it to yourself each day.

My wife told me that is what she does each morning to remind herself not to be weak and come home. She recites my faults and the issues that made her leave.

Sigh. 

Still a good plan.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> They say this because they know deep down they are wrong as hell and are guilty as sin so they have to push off on how much better you will find someone else to be than them because they know what they've done to you is completely reprehensible. They haven't fully grasped the reality or conseuqnces of their actions and by the time they do, you will be long long gone and over it. It's sad, really. But like folsk say, give them enough rope to hang themselves with.
> 
> My stbx ONE TIME ONLY texted me saying *"I know this must be very difficult for you."*
> 
> Which means he knew he f-cked up and hadn't owned it yet.


Mine has actually said this several times, but it's usually somewhere before or after he says how much this hurts and how he's sorry for hurting me. Wah wah wah. Then STOP DOING IT. Why are they so thick headed? Tell me how wonderful and great I am, how selfless I am and how I belong on a pedestal. Um, don't people usually WANT to be WITH people like that? Makes no sense.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ Well at least he apologized to you about hurting you. Mine has never said that. Not one time. Not even after he told me about the BJ the club chick gave him.

They won't "stop doing it" because they are gone already-ghosts-emotionally removed.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I'm going to be 31 on Friday, yes an April fools... figures huh?

I've got 3 kids, I'm apparently hard work... who is gonna want me really huh?!


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> Mine has actually said this several times, but it's usually somewhere before or after he says how much this hurts and how he's sorry for hurting me. Wah wah wah. Then STOP DOING IT. Why are they so thick headed? Tell me how wonderful and great I am, how selfless I am and how I belong on a pedestal. Um, don't people usually WANT to be WITH people like that? Makes no sense.


Allow me to apologize for my cro-magnon colleagues and myself...we are simple creatures with vast egos and a marked inability to admit failure.

In your future searches for mates, try attracting the ones that don't walk hunched over (the hunched ones have not figured out which plants make poor toilet paper.)


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Ugh, that's sickening. I think mine lives with the ghosts of the past. They haunt him all the time. I told him I will have a hard time forgiving him for the pain he's caused, and he said he looks at it in the mirror every morning. I do think he's checked out, but does time heal that? Does being cut off help that? Or maybe OW heal that, lol.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Oak said:


> Allow me to apologize for my cro-magnon colleagues and myself...we are simple creatures with vast egos and a marked inability to admit failure.
> 
> In your future searches for mates, try attracting the ones that don't walk hunched over (the hunched ones have not figured out which plants make poor toilet paper.)


Haha, not sure what to make of that, but it made me laugh. I'm not speaking for all men being that way, just the ones AmI and I ended up with, and several others. I'm sure you could say a lot of the same for your wife and lots of wives out there. Mine admits failure. Repeatedly. He uses it as an excuse for why he can't "try". I would never imagine in a million years that I would be in this place with my H. He's no caveman, he's definitely got something mental going on. I can't help him with his internal struggle.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Lol I am just watching a cheesy UK soap.. and I heard the line "The 1st Marriage is just a rehersal for the 2nd" I can't ever imagine getting hitched again, but it made me smile!


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Lol I am just watching a cheesy UK soap.. and I heard the line "The 1st Marriage is just a rehersal for the 2nd" I can't ever imagine getting hitched again, but it made me smile!


And some people require more rehearsals, then!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Lol I am just watching a cheesy UK soap.. and I heard the line "The 1st Marriage is just a rehersal for the 2nd" I can't ever imagine getting hitched again, but it made me smile!


****** !


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> And some people require more rehearsals, then!


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

Welcome home Crank.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I've got 3 kids, I'm apparently hard work... who is gonna want me really huh?!


You've got to change that attitude, Mad. 



LonelyNLost said:


> I told him I will have a hard time forgiving him for the pain he's caused, and he said he looks at it in the mirror every morning. I do think he's checked out, but does time heal that? Does being cut off help that?


No way to tell. Just have to live your life for you and your kids. Don't worry about dum-dum.



AmImad said:


> Lol I am just watching a cheesy UK soap.. and I heard the line "The 1st Marriage is just a rehersal for the 2nd" I can't ever imagine getting hitched again, but it made me smile!


Hahaha. I have started to refer to Mr. Jellybeans as my Starter Husband.  HAHAHAHA


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I am, I am, I sorry Ms JB, on a downer, PG isn't coming over tomoz night  Bah!


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

vivea said:


> Sweet sweet people do not ever give up hope on LOVE...never ever...you can see by example that there are lots of people with values....i personally can't live without love ..i'm not a loner and can't even imagine not having somebody in my life .
> I refuse to give up on that...i just need the right person ..either HIM (if he ever wakes up) or somebody else.... weird when i say "somebody else" but I'm sure there is somebody else if HE is not the one that means i haven't met the right person yet...and there is always a "right person" .
> I will give my daughters an example of a loving family,they need to see that.
> 
> He can live by himself till the rest of his life....i'm sure even if he meets someone else he is not having anymore kids...he actually had vasectomy last year. His choices will be limited to find a woman that does not want children...ohh well...his problem.


Its cool that you want someone else in your life, I personally dont think I would ever get married again....NEVER... If I found someone I wanted to be with then I would live with them untill we got to I love you but Im not in love with you stage. Im sure breaking up is painful but its nothing compared to divorce.

I like the get another dog idea, my dog want nothing more than to be with me and they dont cheat,lie,or steal. 

Most people have love in their life, I have my children, my friends, my dogs, I even have female friends that I love(not sexually) but getting my heart ripped to pieces and ripped off a large portion of my life savings is NOT IN THE PICTURE ever again!


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

AmImad said:


> I'm going to be 31 on Friday, yes an April fools... figures huh?
> 
> I've got 3 kids, I'm apparently hard work... who is gonna want me really huh?!


You never know what life has in store for you, I was a single Dad with 2 kids that I had sole custody of, I was 35 and found someone to marry. There are guys out there who want children that cant have them, your life is not over, it just feels like it is.

The best advice I can give you is to stop thinking about your X stop wondering about if you will find someone else and enjoy the time you have with your children. Its gone way to fast and cant be replaced. Looking back at my life I realize that raising my children was the best time I have ever had. Children are a lifetime investment, and because what I went through my children and I are very close. I see my daughter at least once a week and my son a little less often cuz he's married.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Brewster 59 said:


> The best advice I can give you is to stop thinking about your X stop wondering about if you will find someone else and enjoy the time you have with your children. Its gone way to fast and cant be replaced.


Amen !!!!!

I will do the very same !!!!!

It's sooooo true !!!!!

Thanks for the reminder !!!!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Oak said:


> Welcome home Crank.


awww, thanks Oak, nice to be wanted


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I'm going to be 31 on Friday, yes an April fools... figures huh?
> 
> I've got 3 kids, I'm apparently hard work... who is gonna want me really huh?!


given 1/2 the chance 

31, just a spring chicken, 3 kids, so what ?


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Ok, so my life is super poo at the moment.... H is moving this weekend. It's my birthday & mothers day this weekend, I've got 3 children all at home with a gastric bug, I've got a trapped nerve in my lower back and the icing on the cake... I've got stress induced shingles! Me stressed?? Why on earth would I be stressed??!! 


Sooo what nice man wants to marry me & whisk me away to somewhere better than here huh huh?? I'm loyal, own teeth & hair, I can cook & clearly a doormat!! Florida would be nice as my best friend lives in Tampa but I'm not fussy 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I just thought that I could actually be divorced later on in the year.. he hasn't filed as far as I know, we've not discussed it. The sickening feeling washing over me is horrendous


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

Breathe in, breathe out.

If you start to have a panic attack and hyperventilate, take big bowl, fill it with ice then with water, stick your head in it. That will lower your hearth rate. Use normal precautions of course


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry to hear you are all out of sorts. It will get better though. Today I signed my divorce and my heart is broken. Not sure if it makes you feel better but today sucks all around. Could be worse though. We could be...dead...or be stranded in West Virginia on some rural road. (No offense to any W. Va's here). LOL


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Sorry to hear you are all out of sorts. It will get better though. Today I signed my divorce and my heart is broken. Not sure if it makes you feel better but today sucks all around. Could be worse though. We could be...dead...or be stranded in West Virginia on some rural road. (No offense to any W. Va's here). LOL


I am southern, but being from Atlanta originally, "real" southerners tell me it doesn't count. So yea definitely no offense will be taken.

I do enjoy Tampa though...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I am just so tired and run down  He's going out living the life of Riley and I am run ragged, the more he does this, the more I dislike him.

"I care about you" yeah of course you do... [email protected]! 

He's going to be calling the kids soon, I don't even wanna hear his voice. I hate him sometimes, I just wish that hate would stick with me and not change, life would be soooo much easier...

Right about that marriage proposal..... come on fellas  haha


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I love Atlanta!

So take a page from his book, Mad-- go out and start living the life of Riley yourself!

You don't need a marraige proposal, Mad. you need to get to the point where you are MAD at your husband for the sh-t he is pulling and put on your big girl panties and your best dress and kick him where it hurts--by going NO contact!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I love Atlanta!
> 
> So take a page from his book, Mad-- go out and start living the life of Riley yourself!
> 
> You don't need a marraige proposal, Mad. you need to get to the point where you are MAD at your husband for the sh-t he is pulling and put on your big girl panties and your best dress and kick him where it hurts--by going NO contact!


I can't JB, I don't get to go out too often as I have the 3 kids 

Of course he doesn't know I don't go out... I need to try and get out more though. I don't have many friends here and have no idea how to make some?!

I have gone no contact, well LC only texted about the kids being ill, thats it.. 

I don't talk to him on the phone if I can help it. Monday was the last time we texted about anything other than the kids, and I am sticking to it.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Ok, so my life is super poo at the moment.... H is moving this weekend. It's my birthday & mothers day this weekend, I've got 3 children all at home with a gastric bug, I've got a trapped nerve in my lower back and the icing on the cake... I've got stress induced shingles! Me stressed?? Why on earth would I be stressed??!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Awww jeezzz when it rains it pours. Hope the kids are feeling better soon, and you too. 

And OMG thanks for the mothers day reminder - its not here until May & my mother is always mad that I forget it for her.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> You don't need a marraige proposal, Mad. you need to get to the point where you are MAD at your husband for the sh-t he is pulling and put on your big girl panties and your best dress and kick him where it hurts--by going NO contact!


:iagree:

I am so mad the past few days. It is actually a nice change from feeling like [email protected] & sorry for myself. Maybe someday I'll get to the stage where I can forgive him, but I'd say thats a fair ways off. 

he was here last night, wants to come by 2 nights a week to see the kids, and he said to me that I should get out those nights. when I told the kids about it, they actually said they did not want him to come by. They have gotten used to him not being here. 

So they told me they really didn't enjoy him being here, he sat on the sofa & watched tv the whole time. He was hungry (I fed kids before he came) and was looking in the kitchen for something to eat. Now its stocked with the stuff I like (like wholegrain bread which he wont touch, yoghurt, fruit etc )

He sent me an email this morning: _I really enjoyed the time with them. And glad you enjoyed your time, really am. Can we agree they can stay over here maybe Tuesdayand wed. I can pick them up by 530 and get some time and you have time for yourself. Fair? I need them around me for my own selfishness. Is this a plausible plan? _

I replied: _Thats probably going to be really awkward while they are in school. Plus I'd feel awful shuffling them around. _

He said: _Ok I was thinking that while in school it would be awkward. I did. Ok tues. And thurs. And you get out. And every other weekend. That agreeable? I know I'm a ******* most of the time. But can I ask one favor?_

The favor - he wants one of my sofas as is sick of sitting on a camping chair :rofl: I think the worm has turned...


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Babyheart said:


> The favor - he wants one of my sofas as is sick of sitting on a camping chair :rofl: I think the worm has turned...


:rofl::rofl::rofl: Are you going to give it to him? I wouldn't!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Tell me about it, bloody immune system is shot! How I long for a break


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Baby, 

My H struggles just seeing my kids for one day at the weekend. He's not seeing them at all this weekend. He's moving even further away, so it's probably only a matter or time until he gives up seeing the completely because it's too awkward for him to travel.. there's work on the train line blah blah blah


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

He said he wanted it there for the kids when they are with him. Cant afford a new one, and doesnt want to get a used one.

I said yeah sure, make me think you want it for the kids.. LOL

He said yes really for kids.... well actually camping chair getting old. 

I said ok, whatever. Let him haul it out of here himself. Its heavy, and he has a busted shoulder :rofl:


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Baby,
> 
> My H struggles just seeing my kids for one day at the weekend. He's not seeing them at all this weekend. He's moving even further away, so it's probably only a matter or time until he gives up seeing the completely because it's too awkward for him to travel.. there's work on the train line blah blah blah


What a RICHARD!! :gun:

That is the thing that gets to me the most. We can take the hurt & betrayal. But the kids? Just not right what they do to them. But you know what they say about karma, and it is heading his way...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Babyheart said:


> What a RICHARD!! :gun:
> 
> That is the thing that gets to me the most. We can take the hurt & betrayal. But the kids? Just not right what they do to them. But you know what they say about karma, and it is heading his way...


I am really counting on Karma!

His kids are happy during the week not seeing him, they can't cope if I am away for one night. They talk to him on the phone for probably a total of 5 minutes across the 3 of them...

They have said they prefer seeing him at the weekend as he's more fun and not the shouty, swearing Daddy.. I won't let him come back to my house now, because all he would do, is put a film on for the kids and sleep off his weekend on my sofa... yeah not gonna happen again. He helped make them, he was the first one to hold them, I remember his face when he did... breaks my heart that he's turned into this monster.


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

So Ami, your thread officially has 1,000 replies and 10,000 views. Do we get to celebrate? Is there cake? Do we get to sacrifice someone's H to a volcano god???

Sometimes I do envy you ladies for getting to see your spouse 2-3 times per week. At least these smucks have the opportunity to SHOW you how they could have changed, even though they apparently F'd it up. Meanwhile Oak makes do with carefully worded text messages every 4-5 days. Sighhhhh.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Oak said:


> So Ami, your thread officially has 1,000 replies and 10,000 views. Do we get to celebrate? Is there cake? Do we get to sacrifice someone's H to a volcano god???


how about a wife ?
over 1000 post in 1 thread, wow !!!



> Sometimes I do envy you ladies for getting to see your spouse 2-3 times per week. At least these smucks have the opportunity to SHOW you how they could have changed, even though they apparently F'd it up. Meanwhile Oak makes do with carefully worded text messages every 4-5 days. Sighhhhh.


carefully word email works for me  but not that often.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

270 more posts and the record is yours Deb


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Babyheart said:


> The favor - he wants one of my sofas as is sick of sitting on a camping chair :rofl: I think the worm has turned...


Haha. That is funny. Hopefully his a-- has gotten bruised. Karma bruises! 



Oak said:


> So Ami, your thread officially has 1,000 replies and 10,000 views. Do we get to celebrate? Is there cake? *Do we get to sacrifice someone's H to a volcano god?*??


I offer up mine. As of today, he is my ex-husband. I have rope if you want to tie him to the volcano before it erupts


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Haha. That is funny. Hopefully his a-- has gotten bruised. Karma bruises!


:smthumbup:



I offer up mine. As of today, he is my ex-husband. I have rope if you want to tie him to the volcano before it erupts [/QUOTE]

what, to tie to his ankles and dangle him over the edge, slowly cooking him ?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ No, no. That's just harsh---the slow roast. Might as well just throw him in there quickly 

Hahaha.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> ^ No, no. That's just harsh---the slow roast. Might as well just throw him in there quickly
> 
> Hahaha.


I would just like to make sure they feel some of the pain & suffering we have gone through, sorry :hangs head in shame:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Haha. Ok either way works fine!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Wow get posting, gotta get that record huh! lol

I'm having a crappy evening, just had a break down to my Mum, had a good cry, got told off, all I am craving is a hug, I am one of these people when I feel ill, all I want is a cuddle up and to feel looked after, instead I am dealing with it on my own, I'm curled up on the sofa, Family Guy on in the background with my little girls fleecey blanket over me. I feel very loney tonight


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Haha. That is funny. Hopefully his a-- has gotten bruised. Karma bruises!
> 
> 
> 
> I offer up mine. As of today, he is my ex-husband. I have rope if you want to tie him to the volcano before it erupts


:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ Glad I could make ya laugh 

Mad, what has your mom said about the entire thing?


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

My Mum has been really hurt over it all.

But now she is just really angry wants me to forget him and move on, to stop crying over him, he's not going to change, he's not going to come back. She's seen the hurt the children and I have gone through and she's said if we got back togther she wouldn't be welcoming him back with open arms.


I had another nightmare last night  I am hoping this one doesn't come true  He told me her name was 'Kerry' *sigh*


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Yes, its hard for your mum to see you go thru this, and her grandchildren. 

If a Kerry appears in this story, you are going to start a new career - you hear me!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Moms make the world go round. I am 30 and still have times where I miss her and wish she were close so she could make me a soup and tell me eerything will be okay. As nurturing as my mother is, she also slapped me across the head with some verbal statemetns of "MOVE ON/HE's A FOOL/YOU DESERVE better." 

Haha.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Haha, my mom's been all over this from the get go. Took all she had to not call him or corner him when she was here. To be fair, she only knew about everything as of three weeks ago. She is coming this Sunday, too. She says he's already gone, and I need to just look out for myself and my kids. She's all about everything happening for a reason and that he isn't my reason. She says it's in God's hands and there is something better on the other side of this.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Moms make the world go round. I am 30 and still have times where I miss her and wish she were close so she could make me a soup and tell me eerything will be okay. As nurturing as my mother is, she also slapped me across the head with some verbal statemetns of "MOVE ON/HE's A FOOL/YOU DESERVE better."
> 
> Haha.


sht Im 50 and my mom is still one my best friends. not jacking your thread just trying to help you get that record:smthumbup:


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Brewster 59 said:


> sht Im 50 and my mom is still one my best friends. not jacking your thread just trying to help you get that record:smthumbup:


youngster 

record? I thought records had been replaced by the cd


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

AmImad said:


> I just thought that I could actually be divorced later on in the year.. he hasn't filed as far as I know, we've not discussed it. The sickening feeling washing over me is horrendous


So you will know when he files you will be served with D papers, I have no idea how it works in the UK but here it usually takes at least a year, 8 months is the fastest I have heard of.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ Where do you live, Brew? 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMIMAD!


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> ^ Where do you live, Brew?
> 
> HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMIMAD!


I live in Rohnert Park Ca about 60 miles north of San Francicso. Here there is a 6month waiting period before the court will even hear the case, you can file for temporary motions(child support, alimony, and custody) during that time. But still I havent seen anyone on this board that got a D finalized in less than 8months.That doesnt mean it cant happen. Help 239s took almost 2 yrs 827 is still fighting hers.

Happy Birthday, AmImad and may this year be great for you and your kids, YOU WILL get THROUGH this even if it doesnt feel like it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh I just love San Francisco 

Interesting you guys have to do the counselling and whatnot. I'm on the east coast but that wasn't required... my divorce shoulda only taken 6 months and took a darn year and a half!


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

If all goes to plan I will be done with mine 31 days after we file. I guess that is a good thing lol.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Oh I just love San Francisco
> 
> Interesting you guys have to do the counselling and whatnot. I'm on the east coast but that wasn't required... my divorce shoulda only taken 6 months and took a darn year and a half!


We dont have to do counseling the 6moths is a cooling down period actually i think there is at least that in backlog at the courts. When children are involved you do have to meet with a court appointed mediator who will evaluate your parental plan and submit their recommendations to the court.

So I guess the one thing that stays the same is a person will always be petitioned when a spouse files.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ What do you mean by the last part? About the one being petitioned always being petitioned?



Oak said:


> If all goes to plan I will be done with mine 31 days after we file. I guess that is a good thing lol.


Shortest divorce ever!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

I expect to get divorce papers January 27th 2012, if I don't I will email her and demand to know why she hasn't filed yet !


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I'm not bloody filing he wants out, he can do all the bloody leg work!

He's gone, he moves to his new place tomorrow... so.... Here's to my new life..


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

Cheers


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I'm not bloody filing he wants out, he can do all the bloody leg work!


too right, put his money where his mouth is, so to speak.



> He's gone, he moves to his new place tomorrow... so.... Here's to my new life..


:toast:


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Thanks fellas, bit emotional today, gonna attempt to keep busy...


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Thanks fellas, bit emotional today, gonna attempt to keep busy...


Hang in there, babe. I'm struggling with the idea of whether I need to know the truth about the EA. I think I do, it's just not solid. But I don't know if it matters. 

His @ss can file for divorce and I won't make it easy for him.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I did struggle when our eldest cried today because her Daddy wasn't with us celebrating my birthday and that cut me to the core  I told her it was her Daddies choice, she has me and her grandparents and we're not going anywhere, that I love her more than anything else in the world and whilst we have each other we can beat anything, she gave me the most amazing smile, looked up at me with her chocolate button eyes, and gorgeous lashes blinking and told me I was the best Mum in the world xx


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Aww you sound like a great mom, Mad 

What did you end up doing for your birthday? Did you see PG?


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> I did struggle when our eldest cried today because her Daddy wasn't with us celebrating my birthday and that cut me to the core  I told her it was her Daddies choice, she has me and her grandparents and we're not going anywhere, that I love her more than anything else in the world and whilst we have each other we can beat anything, she gave me the most amazing smile, looked up at me with her chocolate button eyes, and gorgeous lashes blinking and told me I was the best Mum in the world xx


Awwww... You handled that so well! She's really blessed to have you for her mother.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Thank you both!

On my Birthday, I didn't really do anything, but yesterday we went to see HOP then had a great meal out with my family.

Today I took the kids to the woods and an old country manor house, then we went to a diner for our dinner (as it's mothers day) It was my children and I and I did it, I had an amazing time we played frisbee and the kids blew millions of bubbles, I didn't need him. He missed out on yet another amazing day!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Took the kids out again yesterday, had such a good day, he spoke to them on the phone, I really hope he was jealous that he didn't get to do this with his family...

I pray to every power that be, that he is going to be so f*cking lonely!!!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

AmImad said:


> Took the kids out again yesterday, had such a good day, he spoke to them on the phone, I really hope he was jealous that he didn't get to do this with his family...
> 
> I pray to every power that be, that he is going to be so f*cking lonely!!!


10 to 1 says he is, just doesn't want others to know.


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## Momof2inMT (Apr 9, 2011)

I have spent the last day and a half reading this entire thread from the beginning. I wish I could do some ninja-sidestep and slink along the walls until I fit right in with this family you all have formed here.

Such strong women (and men), and I feel like I know so many of you just from reading. You are all so beautiful!

Mu husband moved out not quite a month ago. I'm pretty lost. I definitely found a forum where I think I will be spending quite a bit of time.....


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Momof2inMT I do not think you could have put my feelings any better. I too spent a couple of days reading this thread a few pages at a time, and it does feel such a close and supportive family. It has realy helped me in my current situation to stay strong. Whilst still together with my husband, my situation is very difficult and changing daily, and a separation is quite probable. I have just not been able to sit down and write my story. Just don't have the inclanation. Have not seen postings by AmImad for several days, hope all is well with you. You seem such a strong woman. You too crankshaw (maybe not a strong woman!), but strong and able to step back from situations and give sound and helpful adivce. You don't know how much just reading your situations has helped me to stay strong. Thanks, and to all the other regulars on this thread.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Oh, AmiMad is doing fine! We all formed a facebook private group and we post there. You guys should share your stories, it helps so much. This section of the forum, "Going through divorce or separation" is really a tight knit group. We all understand how it is to be the rejected spouse who has tried everything to save the marriage. Sucky situation to be in, but there are tons of us in the same sinking boat. We provide strength to each other so that we can rise up again and walk on our own two feet. Without our undeserving spouses.


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## Momof2inMT (Apr 9, 2011)

I knew you guys were close! I will share my story, it's just a little daunting thinking about how long it would turn out to be, lol It really sucks having NO ONE to talk to who understands.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AmImad said:


> I pray to every power that be, that he is going to be so f*cking lonely!!!


LOL.

Glad to hear you had a good day w/ the kids. How is your health?


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Momof2inMT said:


> I have spent the last day and a half reading this entire thread from the beginning. I wish I could do some ninja-sidestep and slink along the walls until I fit right in with this family you all have formed here.


no need for all that, welcome to the family, sorry to have to have you here (I mean that in nicest possible way!)



> Such strong women (and men), and I feel like I know so many of you just from reading. You are all so beautiful!


our strength comes from our family 



> Mu husband moved out not quite a month ago. I'm pretty lost. I definitely found a forum where I think I will be spending quite a bit of time.....


 lousy way to have to find a place like this, but you will find some absolutely brilliant people here


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Momof2inMT said:


> I have spent the last day and a half reading this entire thread from the beginning. I wish I could do some ninja-sidestep and slink along the walls until I fit right in with this family you all have formed here.
> 
> Such strong women (and men), and I feel like I know so many of you just from reading. You are all so beautiful!
> 
> Mu husband moved out not quite a month ago. I'm pretty lost. I definitely found a forum where I think I will be spending quite a bit of time.....


Not the best of circumstances but post your story so we can all help each other. 

I've been MIA a bit, Have started getting back to doing the things I enjoy, also have been chatting with a very nice guy & we may go on a date this weekend. See life does go on :smthumbup:


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## Momof2inMT (Apr 9, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> no need for all that, welcome to the family, sorry to have to have you here (I mean that in nicest possible way!)
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thank you for the welcome, Crank =)


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## Momof2inMT (Apr 9, 2011)

Great news about the date, Babyheart! I hope you have a good time =) I posted my story a couple days ago, here's a LINK


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Momof2inMT said:


> Thank you for the welcome, Crank =)


you are most welcome, I am not here quite as much of late, started a new job recently, after being out of work (unable to work) for a bout 3 months, but I try to get here as often as I can, and facebook with our private TAMed group


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## Momof2inMT (Apr 9, 2011)

Crank, that was your 999th post! 
I'm a FB a lot more than anything else, lol
Congrats on your new job!!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Momof2inMT said:


> Crank, that was your 999th post!
> I'm a FB a lot more than anything else, lol
> Congrats on your new job!!


now 1,000, in only a few months !
If you are a FB addict you are welcome to TAMed, just IM me you FB details and I will get you into our 'exclusive' club


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I bookmarked this thread. 70 freakin' pages! I think it was half that when I last logged in. I'll get caught up about the time I collect Social Security and that's assuming there STILL IS Social Security when it's time for me to collect it. :rofl:

Happy reading. I need to get another bottle of wine or two or three here..


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> I bookmarked this thread. 70 freakin' pages! I think it was half that when I last logged in. I'll get caught up about the time I collect Social Security and that's assuming there STILL IS Social Security when it's time for me to collect it. :rofl:
> 
> Happy reading. I need to get another bottle of wine or two or three here..


 wine, I would have taken you more as a Bourban drinker actually


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Hard liquor..NEVER. Ugh. I hate the stuff and since my H drank rum I can't even take the smell of that stuff. I can do a shut of Jaeger if pushed. 

Nope, I'm a beer and wine drinker. I love Blue Moon draft and Coors Light will do in a pinch. 

As for wine, I like white zinfandel, specifically Barefoot (a California wine). That's what I'll pour for myself when I'm home and want to chill out/relax and drink with a meal. Beer is what I like to drink at a club when I'm dancing.


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