# love, lies, betrayal, and an amazing man



## twicebroken (Mar 23, 2013)

As my username suggests I have beeen broken by differents types of infidelity twice....that I know of, but who knows what version of reality is actually real. 
My husband and I have a lovely story of soul mates destined to be together. At the rip age of 12 we met at school. We fell for each other. Hard. 6 months after meeting he had to move 4 hours away. Which for 12 year olds it might as well be across the world. Against all odds we remained in touch visiting each other once a year. Of course we did not date that whole time. We were on again off again battling the distance between us. Finally wanting to end this battle we married at 17 and I moved in with him and his family. We were told over and over we wouldn't last. We finished high school early and he joined the Army. Here is where our fairytale gets shakey. While he was away at training I had an emotional affair. I told him about it, cut it off, and left my husband because I didn't feeel like I deserved him. Despite my transgression as soon as he finished training he came to get me back. He.loved.me.anyway. We decided to stay together.

Things of course were very tough for a while. After time and much change on my part things got better. We had a baby girl and his career in the Army was blossoming as well as our marriage. We as a family became very strong through deployments and our intense connection deepened.

Fast foward 12 years married two great kids. We were going through one of those down points in our marriage. His career was ending in injury (medical retirement), his only confidant and mentor (his grandfather who raised him) had passed away, and my 16 monthold niece passed aaway. It had been a hard year and was taking its toll on our marriage. We needed a win. I decided to throw him a suprise birthday party bringing a couple of his Army buddies from far away to celebrate. It was just what he needed. On one of his buddies last days here they desided to go to the bikini bar. Which was fine, I trusted him completely, blindly. After all we are soul mates. I am talking the kind of soul mates that are so deeply connected we finish each others sentences, have conversations without saying a word, mostly know exactly how the other feels, we even call each other at the same each other at the same exact time often. We are destined to be together. 

The next two weeks he was acting very strange going out to play pool often, keeping his phone on him at all times. Something was off. After a little digging I found out that he had been talking to a girl that worked at the bikini bar. My heart sunk once I confirmed it. I was so angry that even though it was 3am and my husband had to wake up early to do a 24 hour shift I woke him up yelling. Of course he first denied it, but once he found out that I had proof he came clean. I do believe they were never sexually involved. I caught on too quickly. So here we go again down the road of betrayal and healing except this time I was the one hurt. He answered all of my questions, he was patient, he gave me space and comfort when needed. 

7 months later I was on the road to healing, however trust is still an issue. My insecurities were also an issue after believing (I still do, but sometimes forget) that we are destined to be together. Somehow I kept seeing this girl from the bikini bar everywhere I went. Bringing my insecurities front and center. The questions that never enter my thought before this affair, but that have been common since repeated in my head. Why doesn't he love me, why does he love me, is he just here because we have 12 years invested, why am I not good enough......one day it became too much and I just (I'm sure seemingly out of nowhere) burst into tears. My husband kept asking what was wrong. When I eventually calmed down I told him how I had been feeling. He was reassuring that of course he loved me and no one else. In an effort to be valiant he says he wants to show me something. He says to me that it may sting a little, but he hopes it shows me just how much he loves me. He then has me read a private message between him and another soldier he was stationed with a time ago. Her boyfriend had just broken up with her. The message went something like 'hey just wanted to say that even though it may not be mutual as we have talked over the last few months and realize that we are so alike there is some attraction, at least on my part. No offense, but that could not go any where other than friendship. I have already went down that road once and really hurt my wife. I don't want to do that again.' Well lets just say his plan backfired and instead of making me feel more secure I felt evenmore vulnerable. I mean how can he truly love me if he talking to other women that he is attracted to? I ask him the same question that I have asked over and over since the emotional affair...have you ever been with anyone else. To my horror he let out a deep breath....suddenly I cant breathe...I can't anything. He says yes once six years ago. 
That's my undoing. At this point I am no longer in control of myself, I am shaking, screaming, crying...My reality broken once again. When I discovered the emotional affair he said he would be honest and I really felt he was he answered every question I had including this one questiom. He looked me in the eye and lied..... This all happened three days ago.

Six years ago I moved in with his family to help them with medical issues. We were told that he would be ablento move to the closes Army base within three months. Three months turned into six and eventually six turned into a year. At about the six month point it was clear my presence was needed at home with my husband. He had become very depressed and was in a dark place. We packed up and moved back to him. Now I find that the depression was largly to do with the fact that he had sex with another woman, a woman he met at starbucks while completely in his right mind. I am devistated. We were in a good place in our marriage, I was helping his family, and then the deepest hurt is that while living with his family I find out that the babysitters husband had been molesting my daughter. And to find that in that time period he turned to someone else.....I don't know how to get through this.

An amazing Man....the most confusing of all is that my husband is truly an amazing person. His values and ethics are very visible. At one point he risked his very successful career for his values. He cares deeply and is a top notch soldier. The best of the best I his field. How could such an amzing peron who cares so deeply, who has uncompromising values do this? Twice. 

Reality the thing about reality is that it can be altered at any moment. My reality has been ripped apart twice that I know of, but there could be more versions of reality that are yet to be discovered. I am jaded, broken, my heart hurts, I am angry, betrayed, disillusioned, I have fallen....


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

twicebroken said:


> How could such an amzing peron who cares so deeply, who has uncompromising values do this? Twice. Reality the thing about reality is that it can be altered at any moment. My reality has been ripped apart twice that I know of, but there could be more versions of reality that are yet to be discovered. I am jaded, broken, my heart hurts, I am angry, betrayed, disillusioned, I have fallen....


Oh twicebroken, I am *so very sorry* that you are forced to deal with such heartbreak and misery. I'm here too with my own miserable story and heartbreak. 

Like you my husband is a wonderful man (or I thought so) and our marriage was actually very strong. In my case, he is a sex addict. While that term is scary, and I never would have guessed it, can you share a bit more about your situation... The sex addict issue can explain how someone with high morals repeatedly makes the wrong choice. Does he use porn a lot? Does he delete history on his computer or phone? You can have a normal sex life and him still be a sex addict - searching for a thrill. I really believed we were soulmates too - and am still trying to make sense of the dissonance.

Now, if that is totally irrelevant to your situation...hmmm... Then yes this is very, very confusing. Some men are masters at compartmentalizing two world: the family and the thrills on the side. If no one knows, what's the problem - right? NO. 

Either way, this is VERY VERY serious. You don't need to make any decisions right now. In fact right now, your goal should be to survive and digest as much information on this forum as you can. Read the newbies link for sure. It helped me so much when I first found myself here.

Note that the absolute worst thing you can do is forgive too quickly. This is serious and rugsweeping time and again only results in repeated episodes (and an escalation of behavior) that crush you further.

I fear - like for so many - that this is only the tip of the iceberg. Especially given that you have had plenty of long-distance marriage time. A lot of the time WS's admit to a some misbehavior or even affairs in order to alleviate their guilt. That doesn't mean they have admitted it all. Prepare you heart for the roller coaster ride you are in for - no matter if there is more or not. I cannot believe how wild the human experience in such experiences of pain is.

p.s. Can you edit your original post (edit button near post) and add paragraphs. It makes it so much easier to read and more people will take the time to read and respond to your situation. (I almost didn't read it all because it was one big block - hard to read.)


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Here's the newbies MUST READ link:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

I totally feel you on the confusion of what is reality. I'm still confused about reality or these realities - four months later. Keep sharing the details - the more you talk the more we can understand your situation.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Twice your husband is not perfect. He is flawed deeply, he has trouble defining and maintaining proper boundaries with women. He is a good enough liar that he could hide the fact he slept around on you for six years. Also if you think your H has only slept with one woman you are probably mistaken. Judging by the fact that he has been getting numbers and running around like she is single who knows how many one night stands or EA you have not found because you were not looking. 
the usual step we recommend are 
No contact letters
Total transparency which mean he turns over all email accounts, phones,texts. everything.

the soonr you stop putting you H on a pedestal the sooner you can really star working on reconciling.


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## twicebroken (Mar 23, 2013)

totallyunexpected said:


> Like you my husband is a wonderful man (or I thought so) and our marriage was actually very strong. In my case, he is a sex addict. While that term is scary, and I never would have guessed it, can you share a bit more about your situation... The sex addict issue can explain how someone with high morals repeatedly makes the wrong choice. Does he use porn a lot? Does he delete history on his computer or phone? You can have a normal sex life and him still be a sex addict - searching for a thrill. I really believed we were soulmates too - and am still trying to make sense


He is most definitely a sex addict.


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## twicebroken (Mar 23, 2013)

Feelingnumb while I appreciate your input I am not niave nor do I believe I have or had a perfect mariage. I do believe that because of our multiple seperations due to the military helps us to appreciate each other more. I also do not idealize my husband. I just know that he is a good person which makes things so much harder to understand.

We have not only been with each other as we both had other relationships (sexual) before we were married. I say he is a sex adict because this is a known issue. He has always struggled with porn. We just recently found out that this is due to extremely high testosterone. 

I do believe we are soul mates and that we will get through this. I am struggling with the hurt, anger, lack of any trust, ect. I know that life isn't ponies and rainbows. I live through more crap in my first 20 years then most people live through their whole life. I am a survivor and what's more I am tough. 

I do however appreciate your no nonsense attitude. Thank you for your honesty.


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