# How do I continue on this path?



## lostwithin (Jun 23, 2012)

Your Open Question: How do I continue on this path?

I've been married for 12 years. 5 years ago I strayed and I was fortunate enough to go to counseling with my wife, corrected things that needed to be corrected and for a time things seemed better than ever. Yet for some reason things have again deteriated but i'm not straying because I can't do that again. I love her, but I'm not sure that I've ever truly been in love with her. I asked her to marry me out of what I thought was right because she got pregnant, then we had another child that was not planned. Our girls are now 12 and 10, vibrant, healthy, intelligent and happy girls that I would do anything for.

My life is good. I have a home, cars, wife who loves me and my girls. But while I know she loves me, she has no physical relationship with me. It has been like this for almost 9 years. We have sex maybe once every 3 months and even then it takes alcohol to get her to even be in the mood.

Most of the time we get along good, but other times she is irritable, short with me and the girls. We enjoy many of the same things and have fun when we go out but I'm always having to walk on eggshells because if I say something wrong, the potential for a good time to go bad jumps high. Then there are other things where we are worlds apart. Advice I give is tossed aside, staying healthy, spending of money, future plans, to name a couple.

It almost feels like we're just good friends. The relationship I have with her is no different than what I have with my best guy friends, except I sleep in the same bed. When she's gone with friends I miss her but I'm not lost without her. I feel fake sometimes about my affection. I care for her and want her to be happy but I don't think it's supposed to be with me. I helped push her to fix things in her life and I believe I was supposed to be here for that portion of her life and I'm glad I was able to do that and be supportive and guide her through that.

Very recently i met a person, who from the moment I saw her, something inside me went electric and i hadn't even talked to her yet. Let me make this clear, in my line of work, I interact with a lot of women, who give me the "let's have some fun" look or flirt or what have you and I laugh it off. I could have something new fairly easy if i wanted to. I did not meet this woman at work and it took a incredible set of circumstances for us to meet. We talked for short periods of time over three days but every time it was as if I was talking someone I'd known my entire life. She looked me in the eye and at my mouth, played with her hair and bit her lip. I've never seen this from a woman and I can't recall a time when my wife did the same. There was no physical interaction with this woman, with the exception of a hug when we parted for the last time.

When I left when, I was at to return home, I was in physical pain. I was devastated inside and alll I can think about is her all day and night. Her eyes staring into me, her smile and her laugh are all I see. I cry during the day because I don't know how to keep going on through life without her. I dare call her my soulmate, but I have no other feelings to compare this to.

Being with her seems an impossible situation because of circumstances, place and time, not to mention I'm married with two girls. Part of me feels obligated no matter what to stay and attempt to rectify things again even if it means soon do it all again over and over. Part of me has to go and see what happens, but not without my girls but i cant figure out how. Part of me doesn't know how to leave, even if not with "her" because i'm safe where i'm at and finacially it easier.

I'm so lost.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Slow down, Lost, you have NOT met your soulmate. You have met a woman who has shown sexual interest in you, has enough class or self-restraint not to act on it in the first 3 days you've met, and is interesting and fun to talk to. Because you're so bored/unhappy/unfulfilled in your marriage, you're magnifying this small amount of time spent with this new woman into a 'relationship', a future-fated-by-the-gods kind of thing. It's NOT. You don't even really KNOW this woman. Sounds like you don't really know YOURSELF well, either.

Pursue NOTHING FURTHER with this woman. Get yourself into IC and figure out what YOU want from life. You only get this ONE SHOT at it, so don't waste it bemoaning your current marriage, or staying in your current marriage out of misplaced guilt, or fantasizing about other women or another life. DECIDE WHAT YOU NEED in your life, then get it - do it - be it.

Only YOU (with help from IC) can decide if fixing your marriage is what you need to be doing. Only YOU can decide if divorce and finding someone more compatible is what you need to be doing. Whatever it is, wasting time mooning over this woman will be NO MORE PRODUCTIVE than your previous affair - it will afford temporary relief from an unhappy marriage, but will not actually address the problem.

Get to a therapist!


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## lostwithin (Jun 23, 2012)

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