# I have no clue where to begin...



## Thumper650 (Oct 30, 2012)

This isn't just about infidelity. The problems between my W and I have been going on for a while. She says that she didn't know, and I will expand on that later.

We've been married for 6 years, together for 7 1/2. We were young when we were married, and she had never even lived away from her parents before moving in with me. I have always made 2 to 3 times what she does, but have been very supportive of her. 

About 2 years after we started living together, we moved to the west coast. I was being transferred, and chose that area because it had a private school that she really wanted to attend. There was the added benefit that I had family in the area as well. She went to the school and graduated (private school that cost 40k for an AA). At the time that she was in school, I was driving 180 miles a day round trip so that it was convenient for her to take mass transit to school. Around this time, our sex life took a serious wrong turn and it came to the point that we only had sex about 4 to 6 times a year. This has continued on since then.

About 6 months after she graduated school, I started becoming a little itchy with the way the relationship was going and started to identify things that I thought were problems to her. She didn't react well, and took it as a personal insult it seemed. At that point I thought we were done and the divorce word was thrown around a bit. I went on a business trip shortly afterwards, and when I came back it was as if the fight had never happened, and nothing changed in our relationship or in life. I continued to support her in her low income job, and was fine with it as long as she was happy. This became an unfulfilled hope. 

Fast forward to today and...

We live on the east coast, she is still unhappy with her job, but is planning a career change. My family, who I have sought advice from, is not support of me. Instead they are completely supportive of her and I think it's damaged my relationship with them. Our sex life never recovered either.

About 3 or 4 months ago, I started feeling the itch to escape again, but decided to re-identify the problems that I thought existed. I asked my family for advice, and we began seeing a counselor as well. I really feel that at this point, I've done everything I can to be a good husband, but I don't feel the love returned, even though she says she does love me. There is no romance, intimacy or anything there. It's like I'm out of gas and just want to be alone.

Then I met someone, and developed an appreciation for them. They were what I wished she was all those years. Happy, confident, had goals to work towards and very independent. I have developed a very strong emotional bond with this person, but haven't acted on it physically. I've emailed her, and texted her. My wife recently went into my email account and found the emails. I came home today and she gave me a hug and a kiss and said to figure it out, but that she was leaving and hopes that I end my emotional affair with this other person. 

When she walked out today, I was shocked, but otherwise felt unaffected. I don't know what to do at this point, because I do still care deeply about my wife, but I don't feel like the romance will ever come back. I have been fighting for it for years, and it's never returned. At one point, I asked her why she doesn't initiate sex, and she told me that she feel uncomfortable being sexual with me. That was a hard pill to swallow considering the time we've been together...

Any input is welcome and appreciated. I guess I'm looking for some perspective from strangers because I feel like they (you all) are the most unbiased folks I can find.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You got married to young----

Maybe now you are both finally mature enuff to be in a relationship-----so

Let her go---chalk it up to experience---get your D----and start all over---with lessons learned.


DO NOT PURSUE, your new GF---till you get your D----your wife is entitiled to that


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

i'm curious if your wife is in an affair of her own.


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## Thumper650 (Oct 30, 2012)

I don't think she is. We've moved a few times, one of them across country and she's been the same for years. I honestly don't think she has much of a life outside of me.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

are you sure that she doesn't ? you weren't home most of the time(working and 180 miles daily trip)


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## Thumper650 (Oct 30, 2012)

If that's the case, and I did suspect at one time, then I honestly guess I don't care... She seems like she wants to stay together badly. I was gone a lot during parts of our marriage. I work for uncle sam, and would leave for time up to 3 or 4 months. I never thought she was cheating on me, but she did drink a lot during those times. That was years ago though. For the last two years, I've been home almost every night and haven't suspected anything.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> i'm curious if your wife is in an affair of her own.


With the so-so attitude upon discovering his EA and saying she has felt uncomfortable being sexual with her husband - her having an affair was the first thing that popped into my mind.

Also you need to drop the EA, now.

Also, she said she was leaving. Leaving for where? Sounds a little too convenient.


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## Thumper650 (Oct 30, 2012)

She has family in the area. They aren't close to us but we do know them, and they are very nice people. Again, I don't think she's having an affair of her own, and I don't want to just assume so with no proof. I think she is just repressed sexually and emotionally.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Thumper650 said:


> She has family in the area. They aren't close to us but we do know them, and they are very nice people. Again, I don't think she's having an affair of her own, and I don't want to just assume so with no proof. I think she is just repressed sexually and emotionally.


No one is saying that she is definitely in an affair and you are right to not jump to that conclusion. But, to automatically dismiss it is just as wrong.

Truthfully it sounds like you have checked out of your marriage a long time ago. 

Drop the EA. Concentrate on what you want to do about your marriage. Solve that one way or the other.

If divorce is the only answer - then do it. Don't play around.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Thumper650 said:


> If that's the case, and I did suspect at one time, then I honestly guess I don't care... She seems like she wants to stay together badly. I was gone a lot during parts of our marriage. I work for uncle sam, and would leave for time up to 3 or 4 months. I never thought she was cheating on me, but she did drink a lot during those times. That was years ago though. For the last two years, I've been home almost every night and haven't suspected anything.


I was actually refering to this part



> I honestly don't think she has much of a life outside of me.


What is her social life like ?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Well here's my thought. 

#1--Even if the OP is exactly what you want in a life partner, you need to end that relationship ASAP because you made a commitment to another woman. If nothing else, you owe it to your wife to end it with her before you take it outside...so be a man of honor and stop committing adultery. That will help you think more clearly. 

#2--my guess, if we were to talk to her, is that the story would sound entirely different...maybe "he neglected me so I didn't feel sexual toward him" The point is that you stood up in front of God, family, and friends and said you'd forsake all others and learn how to be a lover to her for the rest of your life. So even if you two discuss it and mutually decide to divorce, you want to do the right thing and be the kind of man who was honest, loyal and true. 

THUS, before you point all the fingers at her and her lack of giving you sex, I suggest that you look at yourself. What is it about you...what personality flaw if you will...what weakness of character allows you to justify the worst kind of betrayal and blame your choice on someone else? See, we could talk until we were blue in the face, but we can't change your wife because she's not here. YOU ARE. And the only person we can change is YOU. 

So why do you think it's okay to commit adultery? 
What is it about you that needs to be addressed, that you'd blame someone else for your choices?
Do you want to be the kind of man who abandons his family?
Do you want to be the kind of man who doesn't honor his promises?
If not...what are you gonna change ABOUT YOU? What are you gonna do about it?
Can you get into counseling to discover why you need someone in your life to give you admiration or you'll cheat?
Are you afraid of getting older? 

I hope you get my point, not so gently made: the person who needs to change here is not only your wife. Okay she may have some changing to do too...I get that...but the person who needs to change is YOU. You can change YOU. And the #1 change you need to make is to end the affair 100% no contact with that person ever again. 

Once you do that, you'll be the kind of man who's honest and brave, who'll face himself and his own fears, and who doesn't use others as a crutch. Once you do that, you'll be able to think clearly about the marriage you have helped to create, and take personal responsibility for your part in the mess it currently is. Then you can made decisions with a clear mind and decide to either fix what you've done...or cut ties and end it in a way that's at least the decent way to do it.


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## Thumper650 (Oct 30, 2012)

Her social life is non-existent for the most part. Not to be unfair, mine very much is too. We have been each others only friends for a long time because of us moving. Everyone else we know is spread throughout the country. I play online game with my best friend once or twice a week, and she doesn't have anything really.

I know it sounds like I checked out of the marriage a long time ago. I'm not going to say I didn't, but I have tried to spice things up. I bought her lingerie, which she never wore. I have tried to be intimate, but it didn't get positive feed back. I have tried to talk about these things with her too. We recently took a vacation with another couple we know, and while we had our own space and room, I tried to initiate intimacy with her and it was promptly replied to with "We are NOT having sex tonight". 

Like I said before, I feel like I'm out of gas. I've put a lot into her and into our marriage and I think after the last vacation we took, I just felt like it was dead. I haven't enjoy coming home to her. I do think I need to drop the EA, but at the same time I don't know if remaining in a relationship with her is emotionally healthy for me.


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## Thumper650 (Oct 30, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> Well here's my thought.
> 
> #1--Even if the OP is exactly what you want in a life partner, you need to end that relationship ASAP because you made a commitment to another woman. If nothing else, you owe it to your wife to end it with her before you take it outside...so be a man of honor and stop committing adultery. That will help you think more clearly.
> 
> ...


I'll politely ask you to step off the soap box. This isn't exactly a situation that I think will be responded to well by myself when you become aggressive and blaming. I understand that I have short comings, which is why I have sought out the advice of strangers.

You do not know me, or her, and you sure as hell don't know the in's and out's of the situation. I do. I have looked at it very objectively, greatly considered her feelings. We are still (as far as I know) seeing a counselor, and even the professional who is paid to deal with these problems has said that I have invested more than enough into my relationship, but that her problems aren't with me, they are with her.

Again, hop off the high horse and join the rest of us sinners.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Is she on antidepressants? Has she gained a lot of weight and maybe insecure about her body? I'm on my cell phone so I don't want to go back and read, but did you mention sex was good in the beginning?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You are most definitely not thinking as clearly as possible, you are in the throes of an emotional affair, considering taking it physical. I will hand it to you for finding this forum and posting here though. That is a great step, it really is.

Ignore the soapbox and think about the questions, they are perfectly valid. What kind of a person are you? Again, the fact you are here speaks volumes, I think you have a good idea of the right course of action in the short term at least.

It is true, you are the only person you control. Think about your choices and what they mean. You will have to live with the choices forever, even if the effects are temporary.

Perhaps your wife is not who you will be with, but she does not deserve to be betrayed further. Is suggest you and her need to have some honest discussions. What are her attitudes towards sex and marriage, what are her goals, what does she want out of life, etc. Do these things line up with your goals etc.. In general, can the marriage be saved. You both have to want it, and work for it, or call it quits and divorce. Only then should you seek out someone else, not before. Think about this, if the other person doesn't respect the fact that you are currently married, how serious do you expect them to be about committing to you? How much could the other person trust you, if you break your vows? Not too much, I think.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Drop EA-OW now.
Raise you standars. If you are not brave enough to end you marriage with honor you will regret it forever.

Drop OW. Send her a NC letter.
Clear your mind.

Talk to your wife if that's what you want. If not divorce her and do it with grace and dignity instead with drama and cruelty.

BTW unless OW ignores you are married she's not price at all, sheo knows damm well she's not behaving as a real woman. I don't give a damm how much you shared with her how horrible wife you have, you don't involve with married people, right?

It's sad I can't find a word about regreting the affair. Not a single one.

You can reject your cheating ways and yet divorce your wife. It's about self respect.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

#1--She may very well have issues, but you have the issue of justifying infidelity by blaming another person. Even if she never, EVER deals with her issues, that's not her issue and it's something you would need to address. So even if she is the world's biggest ice-queen, deadfish prude with mental health issues, you still chose what you did. Admitting that I'm a sinner just like you (and I am ) does not in any way change the fact that you did what you did, and you chose what you chose. 

If you want to leave her, that's cool and that's your choice. All I'm saying is that what's yours is yours and you won't be able to run from that or blame her. 

#2 You don't know me either  I am one of you sinners. I speak from experience. I understand you don't want to hear what I said, but what's true is still true. So at least consider what I wrote. 

#3 If you don't like what I wrote, it appears to me as if you're just looking for people to tell you that it's okay for you to carry on the affair, since she's such a prude. Well...I'm sorry but it isn't okay. You know how Dr. Phil says "So how's that working for ya?" Well...so far it's seems to me that whatever advice you have heard or listened to hasn't worked all that well. If all you want is "yes men" (so to speak) well that already isn't working!! Time to do something DIFFERENT to make your life better. 

Finally here's my thought: check out AnnieAsh's thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/54243-im-wife-emotional-affair.html She came here just at the start of an emotional affair, kind of where you are, and I had the respect to tell her the truth too! Look nothing personal but if all I do is "yes man" you, that's not showing you respect. I care too much to waste your time and mine and yank your chain.

Finally I doubt if I'll reply again unless or until you are able to kind of hear what I'm saying. Okay I understand I'm not being gentle, but you can't "nice" a person into stopping an affair.  Plus, you're a man and a soldier, so I had given you credit for knowing what words like loyalty and honor mean.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Given that you have been seeing the counsellor, but your wife found out about the other woman from your emails, would I be right that you were speaking to the other woman without discussing it in counselling?

Two things I would say. The first is, I am not questioning what you have said, but I do think that your feelings for the other woman will make you think more negatively about your spouse. So ending the relationship with the other woman is necessary to think clearly.

The second is, you have to have totally honest, no holds barred, warts and all discussions with your wife. After my wife's affair, one important step for us both in healing was the point where we both admitted we regretted getting married. (P.S. we are still together, and very happy, and that conversation was maybe 18 years ago). You might have those conversations in counselling. My wife and I didn't use a counsellor. It was hard, but so worth it. And I can't imagine any counselling helping if the sessions are not completely open and truthful.

Good luck with your decision.

(My experience, so you know what drives my comments...wife had an affair many years ago. I stayed for the kids. While the marriage was still weak I developed feelings for someone else, which thankfully were never consummated.)


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