# Is the saying true that if he isn't giving it to you, he's giving it to someone else?



## mrsallen53 (Nov 2, 2015)

My husband has all the phrases about sex and married sex. If she's not giving it to you, she's giving it to someone else. That is the focus of my post. It is HIS words. We have recently went from several/couple times a week, to like 1 time a month of him trying and trying to get off and cant. Which jusr makes me feel even more like he could be getting it somewhere else. I don't know what to do. If he isnt, we have a problem with our sex life. If he is, we have an ending to this marriage. How do I even start to find out? Either way, he obviously doesn't want me anymore. I've never sent thru this and have no idea what to even do! what doyou all think? How do i find out or confront? And ehat do i do??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

How is the rest of your marriage?

I don't agree with," he has to be getting it somewhere else", but there is a reason why your sex life is fading.

How is it, when it does happen?

A lot of men's physical abilities depend on their emotional feelings. If he doesn't feel close to you or feels that you aren't close to him, that will manifest itself to his ability for arousal.

However, I do believe that is you're not having sex with your spouse at least once a week, then the marriage will ultimately fail.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

How old are you, how old is he, is he on any meds? For instance, if he is 50 ish and on some blood pressure meds or anti depressants those can have major side effects...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

mrsallen53 said:


> My husband has all the phrases about sex and married sex. If she's not giving it to you, she's giving it to someone else. That is the focus of my post. It is HIS words. We have recently went from several/couple times a week, to like 1 time a month of him trying and trying to get off and cant. Which jusr makes me feel even more like he could be getting it somewhere else. I don't know what to do. If he isnt, we have a problem with our sex life. If he is, we have an ending to this marriage. How do I even start to find out? Either way, he obviously doesn't want me anymore. I've never sent thru this and have no idea what to even do! what doyou all think? How do i find out or confront? And ehat do i do??
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Your husband is sadly mistaken. It simply isn't true "if he/she isn't giving it to you they're giving it to someone else."

So your sex life went from having sex a couple of times per week down to maybe once per month. "...him trying and trying to get off and can't." Does this mean he isn't able to ejaculate but can become erect, or does it mean he cannot get erect and therefore isn't ejaculating?

Men can ejaculate even if they cannot achieve a full erection.

I would advise you to GENTLY talk with your husband. 

Men develop erection problems for a lot of different reasons. Some are medical, some are emotional. Most men are not comfortable talking about any sort of erection problem because they equate masculinity with a strong erection on demand. This goes for ejaculating problems as well. 

I would first urge him to seek medical avenues for help. If he can't ejaculate that could indicate prostate problems and that is something he definitely should NOT put off!
Prostate Problem Warning Signs: Get the Facts

Secondly, to have an open discussion about what's going on with him. Just tell him you're concerned about what's happening with your sex lives and ask him to tell you what's on his mind? Be silent, be open, be patient, be comforting. This is generally very hard for men to talk about especially if this is something new in their lives.

Generally speaking, if a man worries about getting or keeping an erection, this worry goes straight to his penis which then interferes with the erection. Worry about erections creates/continues erection problems. 

So talk with him. Tell him you're worried about his health first, worried about what this means to the marriage second, and worried about what this means regarding his feelings for you. (Most women take erection problems personally, as if it is a rejection. Although it isn't, you still need his reassurances that it isn't and he still find you sexually attractive.)


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## mrsallen53 (Nov 2, 2015)

Our marriage is rocky, but it always has been. Sex has always been our strongest bond. We have always (until abt 6 months ago) had sex really often and it's always really great! 

I had major surgery in June. And we weren't able to have sex for abt 3 months, including time in the hospital + recover time. It's been a really long hard recovery and this surgery left me with a major deformity (mot sure what else to call it, sorry) I had infection in my abdomen and had to have my muscle wall/fascia removed. Well, I'm already overweight alot, but was still sexy. To myself and him. But now I look and feel 10 months pregnant. As soon as I started feeling alot better and knew that fooling around was ok, I came onto him and made sure he knew it was ok now. I think the first time was good, but quick so to not accidently hurt me or over do it. The next 2 times, several weeks apart, we're crap. I won't lie. He basically stuck it in from the back, tried to cun and then gave up. I didn't get off, and hadn't that first time either. So we are talking months thst be it her of us got off. This last time was great. Except for the fact that it took forever and almost every trick in my book to get him to cum. I had to resort to some serious stuff to get him there. I loved it, but it didn't make me feel reassured. He is 32 and I am 33. I'm hot n horny pretty much all the damn time and he was too until now. He used to take prozac, almost a year ago. All he takes now is gabapentin and OTC stuff. He mentioned the prozac messing him up for good? I don't think that's possible. Another thing is his work schedule. He goes to bed at 730pm. We have 4 kids. He has to get up at 3am. I am not usually in bed until he's fast asleep and he used to love waking up to it, but not since this shift. Also, we never get privacy. We don't even have a bedroom door now bc we live in a mobile home and it fell apart and we can't afford a new one. My kids come to me in the night alot, they are always around us, so we just don't get that quality intimate time. I miss him so much. Last night after finally getting him off, I jusr laid on his belly and silently cried. I told him I miss him. He said what do you mean? I said this. I miss this. I didn't mean the sex. Well I did, but more so I mean the time, the closeness. We used to do dates at least 2 times a month. While I was in the hospital in june my grandma fell and it resulted in brain damage..she now has to have 24/7 care from my mom and aunt and uncle. I haven't asked for them to babysit because they are so busy baby sitting mamaw and I feel selfish. I can't afford to pay anyone and I'm affraid people would think I'm selfish. I jusr honestly can't get it out of my head that he is cheating on me. He works at walmart. There are literally thousands of possibilities there. I stay home, I am disabled. He kisses me goodbye in my JammieJammies and hair a mess and goes to work and sees women all day made up and ready for the world. Then he comes home to me, sometimes In the same Jammies with my hair the same, etc. I just don't really understand why he wouldn't look for something someone else. I feel like as soon as he finds/meets someone new then he will be gone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrsallen53 (Nov 2, 2015)

I will definately talk to him more about it. I've brought it up several times in thr past few months because I'm jusr not ok with the amount of sex we are having. He can get an errection. But can't cum. I worry. Because he loves blow jobs more than sex with me, at least he acts like it. And I am overweight and not physically able to do positions where women are in control etc, and I won't always want to suck him off. I do ALOT but not aleays. He seems tired and kind of lazy when we do have sex. Maybe he's getting it from some new hot little ***** who can hop on top and ride him all day long or there's a girl suck in him off on his lunch break every other day?? I've been involved myself with a man I worked with, and he would only see me on breaks.... but we got a lot done in that hour!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

mrsallen53 said:


> I will definately talk to him more about it. I've brought it up several times in thr past few months because I'm jusr not ok with the amount of sex we are having. He can get an errection. But can't cum. I worry. Because he loves blow jobs more than sex with me, at least he acts like it. And I am overweight and not physically able to do positions where women are in control etc, and I won't always want to suck him off. I do ALOT but not aleays. He seems tired and kind of lazy when we do have sex. Maybe he's getting it from some new hot little ***** who can hop on top and ride him all day long or there's a girl suck in him off on his lunch break every other day?? I've been involved myself with a man I worked with, and he would only see me on breaks.... but we got a lot done in that hour!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If your husband has been tired a lot lately, get him to the doctor. Is he over weight too? What makes you think some hot little thang is blowing your H during lunch breaks? What makes your H sooooo attractive some woman would be blowing a married man? If you H is THAT attractive to other women, why did you allow yourself to become so overweight you can't do woman on top positions? If you can't do that position you must be severely over weight.

What are you doing to rid yourself of some of that extra weight?

Was this man you saw on breaks during your marriage or before?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Gabapentin will absolutely interfere with orgasm. It is a powerful muscle relaxer. Muscles...you know muscles are needed to orgasm.

Have him check with his doc about alternatives.

Umm, Walmart employees aren't usually on the "gotta tap that" list. 

You've listed many challenges in your marriage. No privacy, conflicting schedules, no time for dates, lack of effort to be attractive to your mate... Some of these are within your power to change and some are things you two might be able to work around with some creativity.

Hang a curtain on your door.
Teach your kids not to come into your room when the curtain is closed.
Get dressed!
Do your hair!
Get out of the home with your kids every day.
Trade babysitting with other families in your area.
Have sex before he leaves for work at 3:30am when your kids are sound asleep.
Stop worrying about other women and worry about you. Get yourself healthy and keep yourself attractive. Your stomach issue is probably not an issue for him at all. If you've been over weight for a while your stomach is probably a nonissue for him.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

there may be something to the prozac messing him up.

i would do some research online and also talk to the doc.

i will tell you that i was on prozac about 6-7 years ago and it seriously affected my ability to come.
once i got off it, that ability did come back. however while i did research on this, i learned that according to some studies, 
it may have a longer term affect and
troubles could continue for some time after withdrawing.

i loved sex during that time even when i couldn't come. it didn't affect my erection one bit and i got great satisfaction just pleasing the lady.

there could be a lot of other things going on here though. i'm just speaking to this one issue since i have experience with that.

do you think he still finds you attractive? what does he say? do you read him as sincere?

don't give up. keep that chin up and keep working on every aspect and listen to the advice you will get here.

and BTW, no doesn't mean he's getting it elsewhere. not at all.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Prozac CAN mess you up. I took Paxil for years and quit cold turkey. It nearly killed me.
I would suggest something more refined like Citalapram, low dose. After I stopped Paxil it took me years to regulate my orgasm.

That stuff is hell in a bottle.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

mrsallen53 said:


> ....We have recently went from several/couple times a week, to like 1 time a month of him trying and trying to get off and cant. Which jusr makes me feel even more like he could be getting it somewhere else.
> 
> ...Either way,* he obviously doesn't want me anymore. *I've never sent thru this and have no idea what to even do! what doyou all think? How do i find out or confront? And ehat do i do??
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





mrsallen53 said:


> *Our marriage is rocky*, but it always has been. Sex has always been our strongest bond. We have always (until abt 6 months ago) had sex really often and it's always really great!
> 
> *I had major surgery in June. And we weren't able to have sex for abt 3 months, including time in the hospital + recover time. It's been a really long hard recovery and this surgery left me with a major deformity (mot sure what else to call it, sorry) I had infection in my abdomen and had to have my muscle wall/fascia removed.* Well, I'm already overweight alot, but was still sexy. To myself and him. But now I look and feel 10 months pregnant. As soon *as I started feeling alot better and knew that fooling around was ok, I came onto him and made sure he knew it was ok now.* I think the first time was good, *but quick so to not accidently hurt me or over do it. The next 2 times, several weeks apart, we're crap. I won't lie. He basically stuck it in from the back, tried to cun and then gave up*. I didn't get off, and hadn't that first time either. So we are talking months thst be it her of us got off. T*his last time was great. Except for the fact that it took forever and almost every trick in my book to get him to cum. I had to resort to some serious stuff to get him there. I loved it, but it didn't make me feel reassured. He is 32 and I am 33.*
> 
> ...





mrsallen53 said:


> ..He can get an errection. But can't cum. I worry. Because *he loves blow jobs more than sex with me*, at least he acts like it. And I am overweight and not physically able to do positions where women are in control etc, and *I won't always want to suck him off. I do ALOT but not aleays. He seems tired and kind of lazy when we do have sex*. Maybe he's getting it from some new hot little ***** who can hop on top and ride him all day long or there's a girl suck in him off on his lunch break every other day?? *I've been involved myself with a man I worked with, and he would only see me on breaks.... but we got a lot done in that hour!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



OK it is also starting to make much more sense now.

First. Your husband is not having an affair, trust me. He is exhausted, depressed, and has medical/prescription problems. I can understand why you think he is having an affair, it is because you are projecting your own experiences and thoughts on his situation from when you use to do things with co-workers. He isn't.

Second this is not about his not wanting you. Again, trust me he want's you, its just his mind and body aren't cooperating.

Third, the description of your situation has two huge red flags for me. (a) He is in an environment where it would be extremely hard to be sexually active with his wife. (lack of sleep, stress over his wife's health, stress over money, lack of privacy, medical issues of his own, likely depression (they don't prescribe Pozak for nothing), etc. (b) The two of you for the past 6-8 months have been conducting your own Pavlof's dog conditioning experiment on him so that he will not be able to sexually perform.

You and your H are in a hard place. May I suggest that if you are members of a church, you ask if they have a Dave Ramsey Financial Peace course they can sign you up for. If the two of you get on the same financial page, get money to have a proper bedroom door, reduce the stress he is under from work and supporting you and his children, it will go a long way to helping your sex life.

Now as to the conditioning that the two have you have been doing. It needs to be undone, if you want a healthy sex life. Whether you want to admit it or not and whether he wants to admit it or not, the past 6 months have made it obvious to him that sex with you is not something he can freely do. If I were him, based on what you posted, I would have huge performance issues. I would be afraid, I might hurt you, I would be afraid that I might wake the kids, I would be afraid that you weren't enjoying it. Performance issues are a good way to keep a man from orgasming, just as they are for a woman. 

The two of you need to make sex playful, exploratory and just something that is a happy time no matter if one or both of you climax. You need to work with him on finding some "adult play time" together. He knows you are afraid of being hurt. He knows you are not really enjoying sex. He knows you have been trying every trick in the book to make him cum. HOW do you THINK that makes him feel?

May I suggest that you get a book on sensual couple's massage. Tell him you want to learn how to give him a great relaxing massage after he has a hard day at work. Tell him if he is really good, you might even toss in a happy ending after the kids go to sleep.

Good luck.


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## mrsallen53 (Nov 2, 2015)

Thank yall for the kind replys, thanks for more self esteem issues from the not so kind replies. I mentioned our problems, my shortcomings and issues, not the positive or enough details to ask for such judgements. I'm disabled. Skinny or not, I cannot do alot of things. Being disabled at such a young age makes you insecure, so does many abusive exs and being over weight. I've lost 130 lbs so yes, I am definately doing something about it. I'll clarify vaugly because I would like to keep SOME dignity, I can't do woman on top, anal, or some other things (and have never been able to since being with him bc he married me like I am now) and this is not bc of the weight. It's because of more personal issues that I don't want to get into and would jusr bore you and take up time. And the reason that I think all of this is happened is bc it's happened to me before. And he did it to his ex. And because he just started giving a "lesbian" rides to and from work and hid it from Me until she text him this morning. Hmmm mm I agree my insecurity is severe. Thst is why I am here, to get help seeing this in real light and figuring it all out since I am do flawed emotionally and mentally and can't make sense of it. And I was certainly single while having lunch break flings, 10 yrs ago. Lol I've never been unfaithful in anyway with any man. I love my husband so much. But I don't want to wake up one day to him gone. And I'm scared that thst will either happen, or it will happen now bc I push him away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

mrsallen53 said:


> He can get an errection. But can't cum.


Certain antidepressant drugs (Paxil, et.al.) will cause this. As far as being overweight, real men like a curvy woman. :thumbup:


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

mrsallen53 said:


> ... I mentioned our problems, my shortcomings and issues, not the positive or enough details to ask for such judgements. I'm disabled. Skinny or not, I cannot do alot of things.
> 
> ....I've lost 130 lbs so yes, I am definately doing something about it. ....I would like to keep SOME dignity, I can't do woman on top, anal, or some other things (and have never been able to since being with him bc he married me like I am now) and this is not bc of the weight.
> 
> ...


I apologize if you thought my comments were extremely critical of you. They were not intended to be.

What I was trying to say is that he is in need of space and nurturing just as you are. One of you has to start first. He may not have the energy after a full day at work. You many not as well, but one of you should try. You get to choose as does your H.

I was also trying to say that improving your financial situation would probably go a long way to reducing your H's stress load and providing the two of you with privacy, where intimacy will grow. Dave Ramsey financial Peace does help folks, but there are all kinds of books and free websites as well. It is amazing what people can do if they make and stick to a budget. 

I also tried to explain that he was probably feeling performance anxiety in having sex with you and that the two of you together probably did some conditioning of his sexual response over the past several months and it would take a while to undo that.

Again, I don't think he is having an affair, especially not with a Lesbian. Lesbians aren't into "men." If your H cheated on his ex, that is a whole different issue, but I would still give him the benefits of the doubt if he gets little sleep and is depressed. 

You don't have to be an acrobatic porn star to have a good sex life. Even if you are limited to a few positions, you and your H can have a meaningful sexual relationship. It just might take time to reduce the pressure he may be feeling, for him to get out of his depression, for the two of you and your kids to all gain some privacy and time for him to no longer fear he may hurt you by having sex with you.

Good luck.


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## NorCalMan (Dec 14, 2011)

If he can get an erection but can't cum .... it could be from watching porn and masturbating. My wife could not have sex for over a year. She also had no interest in anything sexual. I turned to jerking off to porn for sexual release. When we finally got to the point where we could be intimate .... I could not get stimulated enough to cum. It took months of no porn and no solo sex before things returned to "normal".


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Here is the scoop on his meds....

gabapentin-induced sexual dysfunction reaching total sexual dysfunction (loss of libido, anejaculation, anorgasmia, and impotence) at a total daily dose of only 300 mg.

I would suggest you talk with his doctor about an alternative drug...


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

mrsallen53 said:


> My husband has all the phrases about sex and married sex. If she's not giving it to you, she's giving it to someone else. That is the focus of my post. It is HIS words. We have recently went from several/couple times a week, to like 1 time a month of him trying and trying to get off and cant. Which jusr makes me feel even more like he could be getting it somewhere else. I don't know what to do. If he isnt, we have a problem with our sex life. If he is, we have an ending to this marriage. How do I even start to find out? Either way, he obviously doesn't want me anymore. I've never sent thru this and have no idea what to even do! what doyou all think? How do i find out or confront? And ehat do i do??
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I haven't read any responses to this yet, so that my reply isn't swayed by others.

The short answer is "no". The longer answer is "maybe".

I'm 40, and I've gone through bouts of not being able to get off, or it taking much longer than I'd prefer. I chalk it up to stress and getting into my own brain about things. But I never gave up, and it's always worked itself out. Perhaps your husband is in one of those droughts and he's taking it personally and therefore avoiding.

It's also extremely possible that he's taking matter into his own hands, so to speak, too often, and that is what is affecting his performance with you. I have also been at that point, I'm ashamed to admit, but I recognized it and did something about it. Problem solved.

In any case, the reason I said "no" right off the bat is because that is the lowest common denominator when this type of problem arises, and to go straight to the lowest common denominator right away is always detrimental to a marriage/relationship.

My wife ended an LTR with her ex, and father of her kids, exactly for this reason (worked out in my favour, so I'm not complaining!). The way she put it was that he was a selfish lover, expected sex, and would get *****y when she wasn't into it. And even when it did happen, it wasn't much good for her. After having her second child and effectively having to do ALL of the work (night time feedings etc., all the fun stuff) coupled with working 8 hour days (only 6 months mat leave), dealing with another child, making dinners, cleaning, etc etc etc. - she was still expected to be a sex machine.

When this did not happen (not surprisingly), he automatically decided she must have been getting it elsewhere, and things spiralled out of control. Long story short, she told him to take a hike after about a year of that. No trust, many accusations, checking in on her, extreme jealousy.

She maintains, and I believe her, that she was not getting it elsewhere. He was cheated on by his ex wife, so his mind was already ripe for that type of thing.

If you have any concerns about this, then just keep a sharp eye out, but don't let your mind go to that point. There are a hundred other possible reasons for this, and your husband would much prefer somebody who's on his side and can help, or at least empathize with him about whatever's going on, and hopefully reduce any stress or anxiety he's probably going through in regards to this issue.

It's a cycle. It happens a few times in a row, and the anxiety builds, and makes it worse. When I was in the midst of this, all I could think of was getting off, and I was no longer in the moment.


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## GrannyMildew (Aug 15, 2013)

..


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## amber74747474 (Oct 24, 2015)

Spy on his ass!! Grab phone while he sleeps. Look through contacts,phone calls, and text messages .And if has password he is hidding something. Girl he told on his self with his saying "if she ain't giving to you she giving to someone else " goes both ways. That must be how he feels because he must do it.


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