# Will Having Kids Ruin Your Marriage?



## SarahSchmermund

While we previously discussed that, no, having kids is not really to blame for marriages that struggle post-baby, a recent study out of Open University helps to enrich(/complicate) the issue (as well as validate some of those who feel that having kids did impact their marriage for the worse).

Researchers found that having kids tends to shift priorities for most people, at least for most mothers. According to the Enduring Love online survey, completed by more than 4,000 adults in the UK, mothers are nearly twice as likely as fathers to say that their child/ren are the most important person in their life. Mothers are also more negative about relationship quality, their relationship with their partner, relationship maintenance and happiness with relationship/partner than childless women.

Fathers, on the other hand, are more likely than mothers to continue to value their partners as the most important person.

I’ve seen it in my office many times – an overwhelmed mother who feels under-supported and under-appreciated by her spouse, and a father who feels neglected and insignificant in the day-to-day family unit. Now, these aren’t the words that they typically use to express their situation; these are just my “nice” words. More often the wife may first explain how detached and irresponsible her husband is, how he doesn’t help out around the house or really understand how hard it is to take care of the kids, and how he’s no longer affectionate or loving with her. The husband may then retort back with how nitpicky or controlling his wife is, how he does help out around the house but it’s never good enough, how she never lets him have a break, and how she is no longer affectionate or loving with him, either. There is then often some more back-and-forth complete with interrupting, some eye rolling, or a even gesture to me followed by a “Do you see what I’m dealing with here?”

At the end of the day, it’s a married couple who has forgotten or neglected to be a married couple.

So does this mean moms are the ones to blame for all of the less satisfied marriages post-baby? Definitely not; it’s not as simple as that. Click here to read more and better understand how to protect your marriage from your kids.

Sarah Schmermund, MA specializes in marriage and family therapy, working with couples, individuals, and families via her private practice in Washington, D.C.


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## SimplyAmorous

I'll agree that Having children can put a monkey wrench into many marriages...Though in our marriage...struggling to conceive them - was the







...that hurt us more so. Just another perspective here....

Due to our wanting/ planning/ desiring children early on...then after our 1st son...struggling with 6 + yrs of infertility... many tests, pokes, crying on his shoulder, clomid, a surgery...and a near in vitro attempt...

For us...our children has been the greatest of blessings...we can see it no other way.... they fulfill our lives...and we can't imagine them not in it... After all that time TRYING (our hardest years).....it was like the Heavens opened upon us...... so likely our experience *in the DESERT* itself has affected our outlook in this... 

Though I did make the mistake of being so Over Joyed for these little blessings once they started coming (we had another 5 in 9 yrs)...that I put Dad on the back burner / the man who helped me get them...our Time and enjoyment seemed to revolve *around THEM*....doing for them, it was always "*Family vacations*"....what will the kids enjoy...his only complaint was ... he wanted more sex  (very common isn't [email protected]#$)....but he stuffed it .....while there I was.. putting the babies in bed with us....sometimes the others crashed on our bedroom floor....."Grand central station" it was...and he let me do [email protected]#$ ...both of us needed shaked ....

So yeah...we've lived & learned on this one... and hopefully wives will not be as mindless as I was ...they should be holding onto DAD in bed... not kissing the babies.... 
My husband LOVED, thrived on being a DAD though...



> *SarahSchmermund said*: More often the wife may first explain how detached and irresponsible her husband is, how he doesn’t help out around the house or really understand how hard it is to take care of the kids, and how he’s no longer affectionate or loving with her.
> 
> The husband may then retort back with how nitpicky or controlling his wife is, how he does help out around the house but it’s never good enough, how she never lets him have a break, and how she is no longer affectionate or loving with him, either. There is then often some more back-and-forth complete with interrupting, some eye rolling, or a even gesture to me followed by a “Do you see what I’m dealing with here?”


This is one thing we never dealt with ....never had fights over Me feeling he wasn't doing enough... he told me early on ...I could have as many as I wanted ...so long as I took care of them.. meaning not expecting him to get up in the middle of the night & start complaining how much work they are.. .which I held my end of that bargain...always feeling they were life's greatest gifts... counted it all *a Joy*...and if I even dared start thinking otherwise.... I would remember *the desert yrs *-and a rush of *Gratitude* would slap me in the face...

I look upon raising Children similar to the message contained in this book *>>* 







The Giving Tree 







.... it is a story of Unconditional Love...Giving to them ...to enrich their lives...encouraging their friendships, helping them reach their dreams as they grow....









This makes us Happy (we are the  )....we are only here for *a season *in their lives.. .to love, nurture, and prepare them for this big bad world... so they have wings to fly on their own....and it all goes too fast!! 

We will miss these yrs... wishing for them back someday... so may we hold them tight, and kiss them as we live NOW. 

But too.... Remember ourselves, *keep the ROMANCE alive*...this we have come full circle. 

One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is a happy Home where they feel the love of their parents towards each other, seeing up close & personal how they work towards every goal hand in hand, with communication ever flowing, laughter along the way....this gives them a great sense of security...and hope for their own marriages someday.


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## badcompany

ChargingCharlie said:


> This is spot on. Our marriage was pretty good, then when the kids arrived, all of a sudden (this is from my point of view), she got very nagging, and her immaturity started sticking out like a sore thumb. I do nothing right, when I get home I sometimes get the "death stare" that the kids are driving her crazy and I'm wasn't home to help. Meanwhile (again, from my POV), I'm the one telling her to go out with friends, go run errands, and I'll watch and play with the kids, and I honestly don't mind (in fact, it's much better when she's not there, as we can do our own thing without having her up my ass about everything).
> 
> Of course, talk to her and you'll get an earful about me, and some of it will be true.


Sounds all to familiar. Were you put to "last priority" as well?


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## DvlsAdvc8

ChargingCharlie said:


> Meanwhile (again, from my POV), I'm the one telling her to go out with friends, go run errands, and I'll watch and play with the kids, and I honestly don't mind.


There you go, trying to solve her problems. Lesson: women just want to bish and have their bishing vindicated (only they call this "validating their feelings").

I'm pretty sure nothing ever gets fixed on Venus, but they're all okay with it because they just listen to each other's gripes.

*joking.... okay... half joking.

IMO, the beginning of the end of my marriage was her de-prioritization of our relationship once she became a mom. She wasn't interested in anything that wasn't kid related anymore.


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## Sanity

True character comes through adversity. Children can be a blessing and the most frustrating thing in the world but they have the gift of testing the core of a person. This is why when dating somebody make and if you wanto have kids someday see how they are and if they are not selfish. My ex was great in the sack but was always a selfish little girl inside. I didn't care because the sex made up for it but once we got pregnant the sex dropped to zero and I had deal with the selfish little girl everyday. 

I would say children should be used as interrogators in gitmo. Give them just a few hours with a bullhorn and those guys will beg for death.


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## accept1

I suppose being that it is 'her' baby she always knows whats best for it. She 'orders' her husband how to take care of it. This doesnt go down well. Also now the husband has to do more housework again her province. This all adds up to make her husband 'resent' her.


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## ScarletBegonias

I'm very happy he doesn't want children and we can't have any children together.I love our relationship as is and I like being able to give him a large chunk of my time and devotion.It's important to me.
Aside from that,I don't have much use for babies and young children.
I look back on how badly I struggled when my son was born all the way up til recently and I just cringe.I hated that time in my life so much.Not because I hated my child but bc I wasn't cut out for mothering.
He gets hugs and kisses and encouragement from me.he's a smart and independent young man.He also realizes that while mom loves him to pieces,she was more meant to be the aunt you run to when you're hurting or in trouble or confused about life matters.

I think having kids w/my husband wouldn't ruin our marriage but it would change it to something I wasn't content with and my discontent would ruin it.


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## Fozzy

I don't think children ruin marriages. I think screwed up priorities ruin marriages.


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## DvlsAdvc8

ChargingCharlie said:


> This is spot on. On the rare occasions that we go out, we get back and the kids are in bed. Wife spends half hour talking to babysitter about what they did, etc., then once sitter leaves, time for bed as she's tired. Isn't the point of going out partly to make sure you get couple time, which sex is a part of (but not the whole thing, certainly)? In her mind, since we went out, we can say that we got out of the house, then back to our routine. Plus, when we go out, she finds time to run errands, and half the time she invites her drama queen, PITA sister to come with us.


You're giving me flashbacks man. I spent one date night clothes shopping for the kids after we got ice cream. I was dumb enough to agree to walking over to check-out some new store that opened in the shopping center.


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## DvlsAdvc8

ChargingCharlie said:


> Sorry, hate to bring up bad memories
> 
> My worst (and I've mentioned it before) was going out to a nice restaurant for the first time since the kids arrived, having a nice dinner and drinks, then instead of going to another bar for more drinks as we planned, ended up at a friends house. When we got home, wife puts on her flannel pj's and informs me that she'll have sex if I really want it, but that she's tired. Took me out of the mood and told her to forget it.


Ha... I got told once when I made a move after we got back from having drinks, "God, its late hon! If you wanted to have sex we should've stayed home." wtf lol


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## Created2Write

I'm never having kids.


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## badcompany

^^^ It's sad but often the H gets dropped once you have kids, I did. Getting there is so much fun though


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## MEM2020

Charlie,
When she invites her sister why don't you tell her to have a great time with sis, and that you are going:
- to the gym or
- out with a friend 




ChargingCharlie said:


> [
> IMO, the beginning of the end of my marriage was her de-prioritization of our relationship once she became a mom. She wasn't interested in anything that wasn't kid related anymore.


This is spot on. On the rare occasions that we go out, we get back and the kids are in bed. Wife spends half hour talking to babysitter about what they did, etc., then once sitter leaves, time for bed as she's tired. Isn't the point of going out partly to make sure you get couple time, which sex is a part of (but not the whole thing, certainly)? In her mind, since we went out, we can say that we got out of the house, then back to our routine. Plus, when we go out, she finds time to run errands, and half the time she invites her drama queen, PITA sister to come with us.[/QUOTE]


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## Accipiter777

"Having kids shift priorities"

After 10 years of this, we figured it out. Saved out marriage.


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## DvlsAdvc8

Accipiter777 said:


> "Having kids shift priorities"
> 
> After 10 years of this, we figured it out. Saved out marriage.


What did you figure out? What changes did you make that saved your marriage?


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## DrSher

jesssmart said:


> Thank you for the article!



Honestly, our two kids have mainly been a pain, or more specifically the years until they got at least 5. I want to throw up when people say "ohhhh, they grow so fast", or "they are so wonderful". 

It really kills off sex life. It kills the work outs, you cannot sleep well. Then all the F-int parents that cone for every f*%# birth day, which it seems to be too many of. 

All it takes to get ED for a week is to hear another crying kid.

Anyways, maybe this is too much doom&igloos, but I don't see tons of men that come stronger out of fatherhood. After 5 years of this Hell man is dying off.


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## Married but Happy

Kids suck the life out of you, but in 15 to 20 years, you may be eligible for parole, and start to reintegrate into society - with or without your spouse.


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## brooklynAnn

No one ever tells you what kids do to your marriage. They all act like it's a lovely storybook. It's not. It is hell.

My firstborn was a girl. Having her was a joy. I was so happy to be pregant after trying for three years. I had so much expectations and then........she came. I swear the kid came out judging me. When the nurse showed her to me, the girl looked into my soul and found me lacking. I was scared of her. Still am.

But she was perfect. The perfect baby, so well behaved. We took her everywhere we went. We went to dinner with her and she was quite and just watched everyone. She is an observer. She set us up really well by lying to us with all that perfection.

Because then the boy came. Lord help us for the next five years. If only I knew what was in store for us. It was hell. He slept the first six months on my chest. I slept in a different room with him for the first year of his life. All he did was cry and get sick. We were always at the doctor. We had sex once every six months. Giving birth to that boy messed up my body so badly. I was in pain for three years. No one ever talks about what giving birth does to your body.

We barely survived that boy. How we did it? I dont know. All I know is that it seemed like a bad dream and I am so happy it's over with. The only reason I kept the kid was because I love him so much. Otherwise, I would have happily given him to someone.

that boy was a terror and now he is a pain in my but* every day.

So dont bring kids in a shaky marriage. Because even in a strong marriage it would rock your foundation and leave it on shaky grounds.


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## uhtred

A friend of mine has the catch phrase "babies ruin lives". 

I've seen it too many times. Some couples certainly are happy when they have a child, but most of the ones I know ended up considerably less happy. They of course hide it - its socially unacceptable to say "I wish I had never had kids", but I've been told that by several people in confidence. 

The most common problem is couples who think that their lives will be the same, except with children. Children change everything.


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## ChargingCharlie

Agree - our marriage certainly took a turn when the kids arrived (us having kids was different from most, without going into details). After the kids arrived, especially around the time they were a year old, stress went up exponentially. I've recounted the details way too much here - suffice to say things aren't the same. It's to the point that I don't like the wife going with us when I take the kids somewhere.


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## gr8ful1

The divorce stats from those having higher order multiples is heart-breaking


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## Davidmidwest

Not usually when they are both yours and the marriage is in tact and even when divorced.
Step kids are the kiss of death no matter if someone says it isn't. Either step parent will eventually despise them and then transfer the contempt back onto you. If you criticize discipline or say anything about them run because either step parent will forever rub it in your face. It is no Brady bunch moment. his or hers kids may or will make the visits or the live in arrangement miserable to the point of a child's potential in attempting to commit suicide because of being not liked or fitting in. I wish I left earlier, It really breaks my heart for ones own child not being a liked member of a blended family. Don't do it. The Kate plus eight millionaire dating Kate even ran for the hills.

Avoid step kids all together and do not place or allow your love interest, a man or woman, in that role, no matter how much in love you are. It doesn't work out. If there are successful Brady bunch parents out there, they are not in reality and in denial. RUN for the hills when you are divorced and either of you have kids at home. For your own sanity run away before it is to late.

Date and have fun, etc. The only way a man may only want to deal with step-kids if there is sex pay off. Once that wains, regardless who slows the romance and sex down, you are not loved anymore and the relationship is done. My experience.


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## Married but Happy

Davidmidwest said:


> Date and have fun, etc. The only way a man may only want to deal with step-kids if there is sex pay off. Once that wains, regardless who slows the romance and sex down, you are not loved anymore and the relationship is done. My experience.


So _that's_ why it worked! The sex! Well, the kids were all gone a few years later, but the sex has not waned. Good timing and good luck for me!


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## Vinnydee

We had no children but all of our friends and siblings who have kids divorced. I am not assuming that the kids are the cause of the divorce. However, after talking to them and seeing how much time they devote to their kids driving them here and there, shopping for them, taking care of them, etc., I can see where it would affect a marriage. Their marriage is no longer the focus of their lives, their children are. Children often cause arguments on how to raise them, who drives them where, who gives them permission that the other spouse dose not agree with, etc.. Then there is the way they drain you until you are exhausted by the end of the day and too tired for sex. Husbands start to view their wives as mothers, and wives view their husbands as fathers. Kids take priority and the whole dynamic that existed pre children is drastically changed.

All of my friends swore that having kids would not change their lives but we all know how they were very naive. As a childless couple it does get annoying to visit friends or go out to eat with them and listen to how smart their kids are and how they are winning trophies for participation in every sport they play. Every child must be very smart because I never hear a parent say that their child is dumb. 

Obviously people must have children and they do bring joy to most parents but there is no doubt that they also can bring stress and strife to a marriage too as much as financial difficulties to. The more areas of potential problems and stress you have in a marriage, the more your marriage is at risk. We neither had children or money issues in our 44+ year marriage which allowed me to mover as many at twice in one year to further my career which is why I make good money. No worries about school for my kids. Let's face it, kids coast a fortune to raise and put through college. We had all that money to spend on ourselves to provide us a lifestyle most would envy. 

Naturally our friends with kids talk about all the emotional benefits of having children provide. I understand that but you cannot miss what you never had. Plus we find out dogs to be enough to take care of our emotional needs.  I am all in favor of people having kids since I do not wish our species to die out. I do have nieces and nephews as well as god children to play with as they were growing but giving them back to their parents was enjoyable too. 

You can look at us childless couples the same way you look at a Prius owner, we are not contributing to over population.


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## As'laDain

my marriage was absolute fvcking crap when we had our daughter. our daughter had nothing to do with that, however. 

my marriage got better because i was determined to make it a good marriage. we struggled, we fought, we figured it out.

we want more kids...


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## arbitrator

*While I've seen a lot of couples have marriages without the benefit of children, most couples have made either a wanted or unwanted pledge to have them!

Where the problem comes in is when one of the two parents shirks their duty to father or mother them in such a way that would be productive, preeminently doing what it is that they want to do, and leaving the vast majority of the child rearing work to the other spouse!

I, for one, am so very thankful to my Lord and Savior that I absolutely was at the epicenter of bringing my two boys up seeing them from sheer infancy all the way to marching across University stages to procure their degrees and see them turn themselves into productive and loving young Christian men!

Let's just say that as their father, and knowing that they came from a divorced and troubled home because of their mothers bi-polarism and poor choices in life, with the God-given fortitude to have helped me make the right decisions for them in order to have fostered and enriched their lives, well, as the old gospel song goes, "I wouldn't take nothing for my journey now!"*


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## TaDor

More than one study shows that having children creates stressors in ANY relationship. Instead of me and the wife justing wanting to GO OUT and DOING IT... er... no. We have a young child. Need to make baby sitting arrangements first. Buy clothes, buy toys (which *WE* do enjoy doing as well). So it's obvious we have less time for each other. The child effects our sex life since he likes to climb into bed and cuddle with us or we fall asleep in a heap. So I've been cok-blocked at least 100 times because he wakes up when we are trying to do it, about to do it or in the middle of doing it.

You have to get them a room to sleep and play, cook for them - be parents. We have just a single child that keeps us quite busy. I don't see how people can have 3, 5 or more children.

Worst mistake people do (usually women) is get pregnant to "save the marriage" which results in more misery and more likely someone is going to cheat. Never do that..


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## Itwasjustafantasy

Parenting has been one of the most difficult and stressful things for my husband and me. We had been marrried for several years before we our daughter. We were used to having all the free time to ourselves and with 2 very decent incomes essentially lived a worry free life. We figured we were financially stable enough, we both had finished our master's level education and had steady jobs. We decided why not? 

Unfortunately having a child as a person with an existing history of depression and anxiety was not the smartest move. I was completely unprepared for dealing with the sleepless nights and all other things that come with what typically happens with having very yoing children. I went through terrible post partum depression and worst of all in a misguided attempt to "not be neglectful or abusive like my mother" I made my daughter the center of my world. Terrible mistake. My poor husband became almost non-existant and I lived for my daughter. I figured she needed all my love and attention because she is just a helpless child.
I look back in horror at those years where I neglected my husband. Back then I did not see how wrong I was. I simply wanted to be an excellent mother. I kept telling myself that soon my little girl would be independent enough to not need me as much and everything would be okay. The problem is that at 8, my daughter is of course a lot more independent than she was as an infant but still needs guidance and attention. My husband is a wonderful father who is a lot more relaxed than I am and to be truthful a lot more fun. He was always extremely helpful and truly involved as a father should be but even so our little one still takes up a lot of time and energy from both of us. 

Needless to say hubby and I have decided against having any more kids. I have a great deal of difficulty focusing and properly devoting time, energy and attention to my marriage and as a parent. I feel like I struggle making the right balance. For example, why do I feel terribly guilty about taking a day off frlm work to myself while my child is in school? Do I not deserve a day of quiet to get things done around the house or to simply enjoy myself? 
Hubby and I have been taking off from work or working from home at least 2 days every month while our daughter is in school. Free babysitting and several hours of fun for us two! I have come to learn that my marriage needs to be nurtured and that means setting time to give my husband all the love and attention he deserves. The best gift we can give our daughter is happy parents who love each other deeply. Of course it took me almost a decade to figure it out. 
Finally, at times I have seen others who seem to thrive as parents and I truly admire them. Some people make excellent parents. But I for one will not go around trying to convince others tha their lives would be meaningless without kids. Not ever. I already raise my daughter in a way that she sees marriage and parentin as simply choices to be made out of an array of other different choices and not one is the right one for all. Each of us has to find our own path and accept what we are capable of. I make a good enough mother and an awesome aunt. I strive to make an excellent wife and mother but for me it is a struggle. Thankfully I can count on my husband's support when it comes to parenting. As for our marriage, I have learned to make it a priortiy in my life once again and both hubby and I are getting to enjoy its results.


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## Satya

Will having kids ruin a marriage? 

Not having any of my own (yet) I can't answer from personal experience, but having raised my siblings from babies (big age gap between us) and having watched many, many friends become parents, right now my answer would be: only if you let them.


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## uhtred

Children completely change a marriage. This can be fine and even wonderful if both parents are really aware of what to expect and want those changes. I can be a disaster if either one parent didn't really want children, or if either was not realistic with themselves about how life would change. 

I know a number of couples who thought that they could have kids, and just go on with their lives. I really doesn't work like that.


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## TaDor

Children have happy times and also little jerk - please STOP STOP STOP WILL YOU STOP moments. You get hugs... but also they can punch or step on your crotch while you are asleep.

They are not to be taken likely. If taking care of kids are EASY for someone - then they are no being parents.

Happy couple = happy children.

As I type this (a quick break from work) - my wife and child are playing in the living room. Life is good.


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## ScottishGirl1998

In my opinion, having children is like adding an extra storey to a house. If the original foundations are strong then it will make life even better and cause no problems. If the original foundations are weak however, the whole house will collapse and everything will be destroyed.

Basically, children per se don't destroy marriages/relationships, but they can be the straw that broke the camel's back if your marriage is already weak (whether you know it or not). 

That's my view anyway...


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