# Did I simply marry the wrong person?



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Another thread here had a lot of wives commenting on how they give their husband BJs even thought the wife may not be crazy about the aspects of it. Some even said it made them dizzy and they hated the taste, but they do it because they love pleasing their man. 

I never required my wife to give bjs during our 18 year marriage, and if I had, she would have thought i was a terrible person. One person commented that i was just with the "wrong person." After my confusion over the divorce, I am open to any ideas, and that may be right. The strange part is that there were no signs I was getting with the wrong person in the beginning. I was 24, had dated other people as had she, and I was not starving for marriage, I just let happen what seemed natural. She acted crazy about me. Everything seemed so natural.

As a matter of fact, she acted so crazy about me that it was just short of worship, especially in the beginning. She seemed to love my looks, personality, sense of humor, ideas, everything; however, that craziness never spilled into the bedroom like I thought it should. The frequency was not what I thought it should be.

She quickly got down to once a week, and over the years, she could go for 6 weeks or more without sex. Sex never seemed important to her and she didn't act as though it were important to a marriage. She didn't have any fantasies to speak of and didn't like spice.

So, is it as simple as we were not right people for each other? If she had really been as crazy about me as she thought, wouldn't she have wanted more sex?

I'm not dying for another relationship, but I couldn't have asked for a more fairy-tail dating life, or marriage as far as I'm concerned. So, how do I ever trust another relationship if someone does come along?

They couldn't act any more crazy about me than she did, so how does one know when it's right or wrong? It would feel fake to tell another woman I loved her after telling her that for 18 years and then having it go down the drain.


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

Just wondering..Why would you accept a basically sexless marriage?

You said she "quickly got down to once a week," well that was the time to fix "it". Talking, educating yourself on sexual matters, and/or counseling might have helped. You say she would have thought you a terrible person to insist but did you try? 

There's lots of learning in the thread's here.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

SaffronPower said:


> Just wondering..Why would you accept a basically sexless marriage?
> 
> You said she "quickly got down to once a week," well that was the time to fix "it". Talking, educating yourself on sexual matters, and/or counseling might have helped. You say she would have thought you a terrible person to insist but did you try?
> 
> There's lots of learning in the thread's here.


I suppose we didn't know what a "normal" sex life was. It was slightly before the internet was in everyone's home, and sex wasn't something we discussed with others, so we just relied on our own desires.

I desired more and she didn't. She did have a physically demanding job and contributed it to being exhausted a lot. She played the "all I want is sex" card and I suppose it worked to make me feel a little guilty. her philosophy was that there is a lot more to a marriage than sex, and if I wanted sex a lot, then that must be all I'm interested in instead of what she considered the important stuff.

was this a sign that she just wasn't as crazy about me as she thought? I was naive enough that it never crossed my mind at the time; I always thought there was a reason that I just didn't understand.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This isn't about her SB. It is about you. You simply never asserted yourself sexually. You married her without addressing the giant contrast between what she "said" and what she did - regarding what was important to YOU. Over the years I imagine you let yourself get more and more deprioritized and she totally lost respect for you. Sad. And common. Being kind is half the equation. Being strong is the other half.




southbound said:


> Another thread here had a lot of wives commenting on how they give their husband BJs even thought the wife may not be crazy about the aspects of it. Some even said it made them dizzy and they hated the taste, but they do it because they love pleasing their man.
> 
> I never required my wife to give bjs during our 18 year marriage, and if I had, she would have thought i was a terrible person. One person commented that i was just with the "wrong person." After my confusion over the divorce, I am open to any ideas, and that may be right. The strange part is that there were no signs I was getting with the wrong person in the beginning. I was 24, had dated other people as had she, and I was not starving for marriage, I just let happen what seemed natural. She acted crazy about me. Everything seemed so natural.
> 
> ...


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

Actually I bet she was crazy about you at the time. Then life gets in the way and if you don't communicate well and don't stand up for what you need, things just get off track. Do you think she had some motivation to deceive you?

If you read on the threads here there are tons of men and some women too that have low sex drive partners that they are trying to get some help.

Has your divorce been final long? You seem a bit down.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> This isn't about her SB. It is about you. You simply never asserted yourself sexually. You married her without addressing the giant contrast between what she "said" and what she did - regarding what was important to YOU. Over the years I imagine you let yourself get more and more deprioritized and she totally lost respect for you. Sad. And common. Being kind is half the equation. Being strong is the other half.


Actually, I feel I did assert myself. We had several discussions over the years when I spoke bluntly, but she just didn't give in and continued to make me out to "only be interested in sex."



SaffronPower said:


> Actually I bet she was crazy about you at the time. Then life gets in the way and if you don't communicate well and don't stand up for what you need, things just get off track. Do you think she had some motivation to deceive you?
> 
> If you read on the threads here there are tons of men and some women too that have low sex drive partners that they are trying to get some help.
> 
> Has your divorce been final long? You seem a bit down.


That could be true. I don't know of any reason for the deception. She was against any type of counceling, she just didn't believe in that type of thing, she thought it was hogwash.
Our divorce was final in December.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Yes you married the wrong person.

be happy your out of a crappy marriage.

as for trusting new women that come into your life well, now you can look for the signs of a selfish woman and advoid it at all costs.

good luck


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> Yes you married the wrong person.
> 
> be happy your out of a crappy marriage.
> 
> ...


:iagree: yep I agree


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

You sound like me. Totally in love with each other, but something was amiss on the sex. Married her anyhow. She never initiated sex with me ONCE in 20 years. 

My big mistake was trying to fix this later. I finally dragged it out of her that she never really loved me. The only thing good about my marriage now is that I can get a BJ any time I want. She'd rather go down on me than talk to me. Most men would love that...

PS: She'd also rather go down on me that have intercourse. A mouth is pre-lubricated. It's not worth the effort to get other parts lubricated on someone not too crazy about me or sex.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I thought this about my marriage and I'm female. Right after marriage my husband began to touch me less and less and our sex life dwindled to once every couple of months. At the 7 year mark I said enough and was ready to walk out. We ended up in counseling and while it wasn't a quick fix we did start making changes in the right direction so I stayed. 

Personally I don't think you necessarily married the wrong person you failed to honor YOUR needs and you stayed too long (I did too honestly) waiting for things to get better.

In your next relationship you will now know when things start slipping to fix it then instead of waiting another 18 years. Stand up for yourself because you are worth it.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

It's puzzling and scary, though. Even now that I'm 18 years wiser, I can't look back and see any red flags when we were dating. 

It might be different too if I were the one who chased her and felt like I worked hard to persuade her to marry me, but no, she chased me with persistence. If we had a rocky marriage I might understand too, but it was a fairy tale too. 

If someone else came along and seemed crazy about me, it would just feel like, "here we go again." I don't think I could get too excited about it.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

southbound said:


> It's puzzling and scary, though. Even now that I'm 18 years wiser, I can't look back and see any red flags when we were dating.
> 
> It might be different too if I were the one who chased her and felt like I worked hard to persuade her to marry me, but no, she chased me with persistence. If we had a rocky marriage I might understand too, but it was a fairy tale too.
> 
> If someone else came along and seemed crazy about me, it would just feel like, "here we go again." I don't think I could get too excited about it.


I had no red flags either. I've read the books the sex starved wife and the sex starved marriage and she describes that when low drive people are first in love they are under the spell and want more sex. But as time goes on the spell wears off and you find out then that they are low drive and usually by that time it's too late.

She also says low drive always seem to marry high drive. Sad huh? I'm thinking why can't all the low drive people marry each other and leave us alone. Go be sexless and happy. Quit torturing the rest of us.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Im going to guess she initiated the divorce. If she was really OK with no sex life, why get divorced? There were probably flags when you were dating, you just dont recognize them. 

You keep saying your marriage was a fairytale, but if sex was really important to you, and you werent getting it, i dont understand how that could be your fairytale.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> She also says low drive always seem to marry high drive. Sad huh? I'm thinking why can't all the low drive people marry each other and leave us alone. Go be sexless and happy. Quit torturing the rest of us.


I agree 100%. It's fine if there is a group of people who don't like sex, but leave the rest of us alone and don't try to bring us over to the sexless side of life. I used to joke with my brother that he should have a long questionnaire for his dates to fill out before getting too serious. that seemed like a joke at the time, but hey, it doesn't sound too bad. The first question should be, "Do you think frequent sex is a normal part of a great marriage?" If you answered no to question one, skip the rest of the questions and leave quickly.


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## chantiq72 (Apr 1, 2011)

southbound;286744
She quickly got down to once a week said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_[/size]


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## chantiq72 (Apr 1, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

SB,
You knew she wasn't making an effort to be a good sexual partner while you were dating. 
- You never addressed it with her while dating. 
- You got engaged without ever addressing it with her. 
- You got married without ever addressing it with her. 
- You had kids without seriously addressing it with her.

What I mean by that is you could have insisted this get sorted out before having kids. This is a reasonable means of enforcing your boundaries.

- After kids you "talked about it" seriously. By that point she was way, way beyond taking you seriously. By then she had been ignoring your core needs for a long time without consequence. And when she continued to deprioritize you sexually you didn't do anything that made her life difficult. 

So SB, this wasn't about her. This was about you choosing to get deeper and deeper into a relationship with someone who actually wasn't that committed to your happiness. And what I mean by that is simple. Commitment only becomes apparent when you actually have to exert yourself to please your partner. All her "compliments" about what a great guy you were didn't require much exertion. 

Sorry man, if you don't address what really happened, it may happen again. 



southbound said:


> I agree 100%. It's fine if there is a group of people who don't like sex, but leave the rest of us alone and don't try to bring us over to the sexless side of life. I used to joke with my brother that he should have a long questionnaire for his dates to fill out before getting too serious. that seemed like a joke at the time, but hey, it doesn't sound too bad. The first question should be, "Do you think frequent sex is a normal part of a great marriage?" If you answered no to question one, skip the rest of the questions and leave quickly.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

chantiq72 said:


> southbound;286744
> She quickly got down to once a week said:
> 
> 
> ...


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> SB,
> You knew she wasn't making an effort to be a good sexual partner while you were dating.
> - You never addressed it with her while dating.
> - You got engaged without ever addressing it with her.
> - You got married without ever addressing it with her. .


Things were ok in the beginning; I may have made it seem otherwise, but it was ok for a while. When I said it "quickly" got down to once a week, it may have taken a few months, but that I assume is quick for most marriages.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

SB,
Yes that is quick. I want you to think about this. If you could do it all over again, what would you do differently. Place yourself back in that spot - you have been married a few months and your W has quickly ratcheted down to a frequency that for a healthy man in his 20's is a starvation diet. You are both young and have no kids. AND her willingness to exert herself to make it fun for you is very low. 

What would you do differently? 

BTW - I have a very strong view that a females sexual behavior is the best and clearest measure of how she "really" feels about YOU. And I absolutely differentiate between how she feels about you, and how she feels about the situation you "create". Meaning she may have a strong desire for the 'stability/comfort' you provide, but sadly that can be somewhat separate from how she really feels about you. 





southbound said:


> Things were ok in the beginning; I may have made it seem otherwise, but it was ok for a while. When I said it "quickly" got down to once a week, it may have taken a few months, but that I assume is quick for most marriages.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> SB,
> Yes that is quick. I want you to think about this. If you could do it all over again, what would you do differently. Place yourself back in that spot - you have been married a few months and your W has quickly ratcheted down to a frequency that for a healthy man in his 20's is a starvation diet. You are both young and have no kids. AND her willingness to exert herself to make it fun for you is very low.
> 
> What would you do differently?
> ...


I'm not sure what I would do differently. If she really didn't care that much about me, why did she act so crazy about me and pursue me? It's not like she didn't have other choices, she dated other people, and there were other guys interested in her then.

I thought we were a good match physically. We were socially from the same crowd, it wasn't like she was rich and I was poor. I didn't worry that I wasn't physically good enough for her; I was muscular, a good looking 20year old plus guy, and I had other choices as well. 

Everything seemed to fit sexually from a physical standpoint. She told me early on that she thought we were just the right size for each other, that if I were much larger, it could be uncomfortable for her, but as things were, we were a perfect fit.

So, with all that, I saw no red flags. We live in a conservative area, so to go around complaining that I didn't get enough sex would have seemed strange to others.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

A woman can be crazy about a guy without being sexually over the moon about him. She will respond to his passion but not indicate an overwhelming "I want to f*ck your brains out" with him--because she does not feel that way about him. 

People do not seem to realize that this can be a red-flag. It depends, b/c an inexperienced young woman may have difficulty loosening up sexually. You cannot tell, right away, if the issue is that she's just a bit uptight OR she's just not that into you sexually. Some women loosen up as the relationship/marriage progresses and become uninhibited. Others begin to withdraw.

Based on what I've seen on these forums, I would say that men should be very careful about pursuing relationships with women who do not initiate after the relationship has gotten to a comfortable stage. The woman does not have an appetite for YOU. That is no reflection on either of you--it just is the way it is. Fighting that makes little sense. Part friends, don't grow bitter about it. And, for goodness sake, don't blame yourself or her if neither of you understood it at the time. But it is definitely something we should discuss with our kids when discussing sex with them, so perhaps they won't make the same mistake.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

SB,
To some degree "chemistry" is black magic. But parts of it are stunningly simple. For "many" women being "too nice" erodes desire faster than battery acid. The "opposite" of "nice" is not mean/selfish. It is some mix of assertiveness, sexual aggression, edgy, playful, adventurous and when needed icy indifference. 

She "talked" a great game about how crazy she was about you. There is another guy with a thread exactly like yours. His W is always bragging to others about how great he is, and yet she is sexually indifferent to him and she KNOWS it makes him miserable. And she is VERY blunt with him on that topic - he just needs to "suck it up". That is far from my definition of marital love. 

Early on when you said "I want more" she totally blew you off and you basically accepted your once/week situation without asserting yourself. The conversation you needed to have would have gone like this:

"You keep telling me and everyone else how much you love me, I can't really "feel" loved with our sexual relationship where it is."

And when nothing happened: "I need you to stop "saying" ILY and start "showing" me you love me like I would expect a W I am compatible with to do". 

SB - Your comment about the "conservative environment" does not resonate with me. In a marriage - you don't take a gallup pole when your W tells you she needs something in order to determine whether or not you are going to meet that need. Generally speaking if you are humanly able, you step up and meet it. Same needs to be true in reverse. 

Had my W ever resorted to "my friends and people in general" don't do X, my response would have been, "which of your friends husbands do you plan to replace me with"? And I would have stuck with that response until we reached resolution. It is not my goal to be an "average" husband, why on earth would I settle for being treated like one. 



southbound said:


> I'm not sure what I would do differently. If she really didn't care that much about me, why did she act so crazy about me and pursue me? It's not like she didn't have other choices, she dated other people, and there were other guys interested in her then.
> 
> I thought we were a good match physically. We were socially from the same crowd, it wasn't like she was rich and I was poor. I didn't worry that I wasn't physically good enough for her; I was muscular, a good looking 20year old plus guy, and I had other choices as well.
> 
> ...


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I have read and, thus, learned a lot about relationships since I joined this forum. There is probably a lot of truth to the comments in this thread. The weird part is that I am no dummy when it comes to human behavior. I actually work in a profession where I have to decipher and work with human behavior on a daily basis and do a great job in that capacity. I see the results in the people's lives that I work with. So, this solidifies my theory that "romantic relationships" and behaviors within are far more complicated that I ever imagined, and more complicated than they should be, and I am apparently no expert in that field. 

Looking back, my x seemed so crazy about me in the beginning that I suppose it took all the work out of it. It seemed so natural and strong that I didn't feel I had to work to maintain our relationship, so that was probably a huge failure of mine.

I was also not an expert at seeing the signs. She acted so crazy about me that I thought her lack of sexual desire had to be something else. Perhaps it really was the fact that she was so exhausted from work, or perhaps I did put too much emphasis on sex as she made me believe. 

This makes me wonder if she generally desired a hot, sexual relationship and just didn't find the desire for me after a while, or if she wanted more of a "companionship" love all along, and perhaps my desire for sex just drove her crazy and she felt she had to get out? 

Her sister apparently has sex with her husband about once every four months and has stated that she needs the companionship more than sex. My x brought this to my attention more than once.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

And during those conversations about her "sister" did your W ever speak of her brother in law? Did she talk about what "his" needs were? 

As for sex, I really don't think my W "needs" very much of it. That said she absolutely makes it a priority because it is important to ME. And there are a long list of things like that which are true in reverse. Stuff I don't normally care about, but handle very effectively because it matters to her. 

I always return to this theme. If your spouse really and truly loves you, they make the effort to be a good sexual partner. And that may require them to have a few awkward conversations with you. 



southbound said:


> I have read and, thus, learned a lot about relationships since I joined this forum. There is probably a lot of truth to the comments in this thread. The weird part is that I am no dummy when it comes to human behavior. I actually work in a profession where I have to decipher and work with human behavior on a daily basis and do a great job in that capacity. I see the results in the people's lives that I work with. So, this solidifies my theory that "romantic relationships" and behaviors within are far more complicated that I ever imagined, and more complicated than they should be, and I am apparently no expert in that field.
> 
> Looking back, my x seemed so crazy about me in the beginning that I suppose it took all the work out of it. It seemed so natural and strong that I didn't feel I had to work to maintain our relationship, so that was probably a huge failure of mine.
> 
> ...


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> And during those conversations about her "sister" did your W ever speak of her brother in law? Did she talk about what "his" needs were?
> .


I asked if he was ok with that and she said she didn't know. I think my x just looked at sex as a dirty need. She didn't seem to think it was as important as her needs.


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