# Forgive and forget?



## munchkin (Jun 25, 2010)

I'm kinda devastated. Had a great weekend with my boyfriend but Monday morning we were laying in bed talking about how we don't want any secrets between us, and he admitted something to me... that he slept with some other chick one time, like 2 months before we were officially boyfriend and girlfriend. We had barely been seeing eachother (and sleeping together) for 1-1/2 months or so at the time. I kinda had a feeling he had been with someone else cuz I remember there was this _one _Saturday night he didn't ask me to hang out and I thought it was weird because we always hung out on Saturday... and we didn't really talk that entire night and I remember having a bad feeling about it.

Sooo at least he came clean about it, was very apologetic for not telling me sooner but the thing is I've asked him before if he slept with anyone else since we met, so he originally lied. He said he realized right after he was with her that he didn't want anyone else but me and so he cut all ties with her (which I do believe) but it still hurts that he did that and didn't tell me until months later. I never would've kept sleeping with him if I had known that; it feels gross to me. So now I feel dirty and just messed up in the head.

By the way, I'm 23 and he's 29 and we've been seeing eachother since the very end of January, his fling happened in late February/early March, and we became official on May 1st. He's had a lot of women in the past but says he asked me to be his girlfriend because he wants me and only me, and his actions lately definitely support that; I've had no problem trusting him since we spoke about boundaries and whatnot a couple of months ago and he's been super open (hence the conversation that led to him admitting this). I love him very much and I know he loves me just the same; there is no doubt in my mind about that. I just don't know what the hell to do. He's been really good to me since we've been official and I was extremely happy with him before he told me this, so should I just be thankful that he was honest and let it go? He didn't technically cheat since we were basically friends with benefits and casually dating at the time but it still hurts and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. 

I'll have maybe a few hours of "it's fine, it's in the past, get over it" and then moments later I'll feel so angry and upset that I don't know if I want to cry or scream. At least he's very open and apologetic, not defensive, not making excuses, etc. I was really upset at work on Wednesday so when he texted me to ask how my day was going, I told him the truth and said that I was really struggling with my feelings about whether to break up or not and that I was afraid I was going to resent him for a long time. He wrote back:

"Babe just know that I love you and I'm so sorry for what I did; I know I can say sorry a million times and it won't change what I did but I promise if you give me a chance I'll love you and be there for you as long as you let me, and I promise I'll be completely honest with you about everything from now on. I don't know what else to say other than that I'm so sorry and I'm a dumbass and an idiot and I'm not proud of myself for what I did. I've thought about it a lot and it makes me sick so I can only imagine how you feel. If you let me, I'll try to put your resentment to bed and be the best man that I can be for you and do anything and everything to make you happy because I love you. But if at any moment you think I'm wasting your time or I'm not the man you want me to be then I'll let you go; just let me know and I'll leave you alone and walk away. As much as it will break my heart I'll leave you alone if it makes you happy."

What do you all think? I'm so torn. It's just driving me crazy thinking about how we had such a great connection that first month and he seemed so into me, we were seeing each other and sleeping together at least a couple of times a week--yet he still found the time and the need to go have one last fling with this other girl. He slept with me, went and slept with her one night, then back to me in the same week! That is just... ugh. I don't understand how he could do that without telling me, although he says he did feel bad immediately afterward and told the girl he wasn't going to hook up with her anymore.

He also says that when he asked me to be his girlfriend that it was because he realized he was falling in love with me and he didn't want to live that lifestyle anymore. But is that possible for someone to do? Just switch it off? He says he isn't even tempted by other girls now and that I'm the only one he wants but I'm scared. The only other topic I've posted on this site is about how I have horrible trust issues and now I can't decide if they're better or worse... because on the one hand he lied to me initially but on the other hand he had enough respect and love for me to come clean even though I never would've found out otherwise.

He's just been so sincere and sweet and understanding about this; he even cried when he told me because he felt so bad for hurting me. I love him so, so much and as cliche and cheesy as it sounds, he really does feel like my other half. I never even felt like that about my ex, who I was with for 5-1/2 years and lived with. So it would hurt so terribly much for me to let this guy go, but dammit I'm terrified!! Ugh. Sorry for so much rambling. I feel a little better just getting it out.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Well, first I think I want your phone, cause mine can't take a text that long.  

Ok, being serious now. Technically, you two were not exclusive, therefore he had the right to see or sleep with whomever he chose to. So, technically, it wasn't cheating. 

So, in my opinion, as much as it hurts to think he slept with another woman, you have no reason/right to be upset about that. What you do have reason/right to be upset about is that you specifically asked him if he'd slept with anyone else "since we met" and he said no. That's a lie, pure and simple.

Once a person lies about one thing, anything, it makes it hard to trust and believe anything else they say. It sounds as though he really feels bad and wants to make up for what he's done, so that's a good start.

It's going to take time to get past it. That's a given. You can't make it go away any faster by wishing it would. All you can do is resolve that you're going to get past it and work each day toward doing so. If you feel you need something from him to prove his honesty, say access to his email or his phone, tell him. But don't let the lie be in the forefront of your mind all the time. Don't remind yourself of it each time he says/does something that annoys/hurts you. 

The only thing I would caution you about is that if he lied this early in the relationship, there might be other things he's lied about or other things he will lie about. Although you should work on trusting him again, you should also be careful.


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## Shared Dreams (Jul 15, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> Well, first I think I want your phone, cause mine can't take a text that long.
> 
> Ok, being serious now. Technically, you two were not exclusive, therefore he had the right to see or sleep with whomever he chose to. So, technically, it wasn't cheating.
> 
> ...



These are very true and honest words. I would take whatever time is needed to heal from this, then just be a bit careful. Just because we can forgive does not mean we have to forget...be honest with your feelings to him so that there aren't any questions, and I think the rest will work itself out in due time.


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