# silence...a stream of consciousness



## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Stbxh left 9 weeks ago. No contact other than a text here and there about bills in 6 weeks. The complete silence is killing me. Like others, I am trying to figure out how to get closure when I know it will probably never come from him. I need to find it on my own. How? He left some important things at my apartment...I am packing it up but still I wonder why he did that. Why he never came back for it. Where he is. Who he is with. Why he doesn't love me anymore. 

Since he left my life has become sunnier...more colorful. I am social again, active, healthier. But I miss our love, companionship, dreams, despite the intellectual knowledge that it doesn't matter at all now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

"Since he left my life has become sunnier...more colorful. I am social again, active, healthier."

Concentrate on this. Put it up on your bathroom mirror, your fridge, your front door.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Agree with lamaga. Sometimes you just have to listen to what you are saying. With him gone, your life is better. I made a list of negatives of STBXW to read when I second guess myself. It helps.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

lamaga said:


> "Since he left my life has become sunnier...more colorful. I am social again, active, healthier."
> 
> Concentrate on this. Put it up on your bathroom mirror, your fridge, your front door.


In the most violent shade of red lipstick you can find!


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Life is better because I woke up and realize that I had completely stopped putting effort into making myself happy. I'm not sure that has anything to do with his leaving, other than it being the catalyst.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, Myself, that's because you are not thinking so straight these days. That's okay. It happens to all of us.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Do you mean that you think I'm happier with him gone? Hmm
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

One thing I have finally learned is that a lot of my wifes actions were in response to my actions, but that a lot of mine were in response to hers, and that boils down to it is not all anyones fault, but is shared. Most likely your not putting anything into your own happiness had something to do with him leaving, but at the same time did he do anything to allow or help you foster that within yourself?

I know a lot of people here say that you can only rely on yourself for your own happiness, your own needs, but isn't relying on your spouse to help you part of the reason we get married in the first place? And part of why it hurts so much when it ends? Because we trusted our spouse to help us, and then it ends?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Might of been part of the reason you got married.

We often assume our motivations are the motivations of others.

They aren't.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

MyselfAgain said:


> Stbxh left 9 weeks ago. No contact other than a text here and there about bills in 6 weeks. The complete silence is killing me. Like others, I am trying to figure out how to get closure when I know it will probably never come from him. I need to find it on my own. How? He left some important things at my apartment...I am packing it up but still I wonder why he did that. Why he never came back for it. Where he is. Who he is with. Why he doesn't love me anymore.
> 
> Since he left my life has become sunnier...more colorful. I am social again, active, healthier. But I miss our love, companionship, dreams, despite the intellectual knowledge that it doesn't matter at all now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Try this very same regimen for better than a year and then see how you feel! Other than the occasional text or email, when she wants something, that's really about it. She'll communicate with both of my sons, but never with me.

Just when I think that I've negotiated the 180 OK, then something will directly or indirectly occur that will start to rip my heart out. Right now, it's the fact that she's seeing someone, but I shouldn't let it bother me. I never want to go back to that. But I still feel so terrible over the entire situation!


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

My husband left for many reasons, but I know what my parts were...I did some stupid things like threatening divorce instead of setting boundaries when he acted irresponsibly...I know that I couldn't deal with being the breadwinner (no reason for him not to work)...he had young female friends he confided in about our marriage (guess who likely influenced him to leave?) Etc. I know I deserve much better. We all do. I guess I just feel crazy for thinking he was my best friend. But I couldn't trust him, he lied to me, to his parents, he ran from his problems (well he thought he did, but we all know he took them with him!) It is hard to accept that the man i love doesn't exist. I AM my integrity and honesty, so this is particularly difficult for me to reconcile.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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