# Handling the holidays as a WS



## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

The holidays are here and I've already had to deal with a little bit of disappointment, but life goes on. I've posted about my situation previously and you can probably find my other posts by clicking my user-name. Married four years, no kids, I had a cyber-affair that was discovered in June, 2011. Didn't sleep at the apartment for almost two months until my wife let me stay full-time again. No MC yet, but looking into it. 

Things have been understandably touch-and-go, with both of us adjusting to a new reality. Part of that new reality is how to deal with social events. We recently attended an event important to me, with dinner afterwards. After initiating a conversation about where we are with things, she told me that she was not happy to be with me around people we both knew because she felt like she had to pretend that everything was ok, when it is far from ok. 

For Thanksgiving, one of my friends usually has a potluck dinner that we have attended in the past. This morning, she asked me if I was going to my friend's place for Thanksgiving. I knew that she probably didn't want to go, but I asked her if she wanted to go, anyway, just so I could be sure and she doesn't. I asked if she wanted to do something with just the two of us and she said, "You should go, I'm not going to do anything". For the record, she's not from the U.S. and Thanksgiving isn't a holiday for her. 

I felt a bit disappointed, but understood where she was coming from. The friend of mine is my best friend and he's one of the few people who knows what has been happening between my wife and I. I'm still feeling sad about us not spending the day together, but I'm getting over it. I just have to remember that this is one of the consequences of my actions. 

Now, there's also Christmas coming up, which we haven't discussed yet, but I will bring it up soon. I'm planning on getting her a present, but I'm not expecting much from her. I'm even feeling hesitant about decorating for X-Mas, but will probably do so, anyway. I just like Christmas lights, honestly, the consumerism of it I can do without. I don't know, it's going to be a strange time this year, but I suppose I'll get through it. 

If you are going through the aftermath of infidelity as the WS or BS, how do you plan on coping with the holidays?


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

This is my second time around the holidays post D day - honestly my situation was fairly different from yours in that my wife and I experienced an awesome period of hysterical bonding. 

I will say this though - IMO you need to stay home with your wife on Thanksgiving. Yes she's going to be melancholy at a minimum but if you go off and she's sitting at home replaying your affair in her head all the while knowing your off celebrating a holiday with a friend it's just going to make her resentment that much worse. 

I really think you need to stay home, make it the happiest and best holiday you know how and take whatever she gives you that day - good or bad. I think you need to be there to support her. If your friend knows he'll understand.

Same goes for Christmas, just make it the best holiday you know how.


----------



## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> This is my second time around the holidays post D day - honestly my situation was fairly different from yours in that my wife and I experienced an awesome period of hysterical bonding.
> 
> I will say this though - IMO you need to stay home with your wife on Thanksgiving. Yes she's going to be melancholy at a minimum but if you go off and she's sitting at home replaying your affair in her head all the while knowing your off celebrating a holiday with a friend it's just going to make her resentment that much worse.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

And dont play the "woe is me, I could be at my friends having fun" card either.


----------



## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Holidays for me: Dday was early July, married 30 years three kids two grown and out of house, one Junior in college. For years we had a standard type Thanksgiving (happens to be my birthday this year) with picking up my mother and my mother in law, big turkey dinner, whole works. My mother passed in January of this year (2011 sucks) and in April we had discussed what we were going to do now that no responsibilities here. (Mother in law has 6 other children close) My middle daughter in Jan. of this year had moved to Los Angeles and will not be home to Indiana for Thanksgiving. We (my x, myself, and youngest daugter) had decided that we would go to Los Angeles for the long weekend. Then boom I discover A. I put off any idea of going. Then during a counseling session my counselor asked me my plans. I told her what we had planned but that was off the table because to do so made it so my x would have no family here. (oldest daughter resides in Florida) Felt that it would be unfair of me to take off leaving her here with the OM only (they live together). Counselor asked whos decision made this a problem. I answered "x's" She said I should ask youngest if she wanted to go to LA and if she did should still go. I called youngest on way home from session, when asked if she would like to go to LA for thanksgiving she replied, "duh!". I booked flights the next day. This is going to be wierd, wild and I am determined to not be depressed. While in LA we are having a family meeting about Chrismas, I am taking everyone to Vegas the week before, then everyone will be coming to IN for the Christmas weekend. I intend to tell them no pressure from me as to how they split their time (middle daughters in laws divorced so many gatherings they need to attend) whatever works for them with me will be fine, as I have them to myself for the week before. This is going to be rough, you do things one way for 30 years you kinda get use to it. I have been more depressed lately, because I am one of those suckers that still loves his x, but am determined to get thru it all with as little scars as possible. Wonder if she will call and wish me happy birthday? lol


----------



## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> This is my second time around the holidays post D day - honestly my situation was fairly different from yours in that my wife and I experienced an awesome period of hysterical bonding.
> 
> I will say this though - IMO you need to stay home with your wife on Thanksgiving. Yes she's going to be melancholy at a minimum but if you go off and she's sitting at home replaying your affair in her head all the while knowing your off celebrating a holiday with a friend it's just going to make her resentment that much worse.
> 
> ...


Thanks, I think that this is the way to go.


----------



## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

Hoosier said:


> And dont play the "woe is me, I could be at my friends having fun" card either.


Not a chance.


----------



## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

Hoosier said:


> Holidays for me: Dday was early July, married 30 years three kids two grown and out of house, one Junior in college. For years we had a standard type Thanksgiving (happens to be my birthday this year) with picking up my mother and my mother in law, big turkey dinner, whole works. My mother passed in January of this year (2011 sucks) and in April we had discussed what we were going to do now that no responsibilities here. (Mother in law has 6 other children close) My middle daughter in Jan. of this year had moved to Los Angeles and will not be home to Indiana for Thanksgiving. We (my x, myself, and youngest daugter) had decided that we would go to Los Angeles for the long weekend. Then boom I discover A. I put off any idea of going. Then during a counseling session my counselor asked me my plans. I told her what we had planned but that was off the table because to do so made it so my x would have no family here. (oldest daughter resides in Florida) Felt that it would be unfair of me to take off leaving her here with the OM only (they live together). Counselor asked whos decision made this a problem. I answered "x's" She said I should ask youngest if she wanted to go to LA and if she did should still go. I called youngest on way home from session, when asked if she would like to go to LA for thanksgiving she replied, "duh!". I booked flights the next day. This is going to be wierd, wild and I am determined to not be depressed. While in LA we are having a family meeting about Chrismas, I am taking everyone to Vegas the week before, then everyone will be coming to IN for the Christmas weekend. I intend to tell them no pressure from me as to how they split their time (middle daughters in laws divorced so many gatherings they need to attend) whatever works for them with me will be fine, as I have them to myself for the week before. This is going to be rough, you do things one way for 30 years you kinda get use to it. I have been more depressed lately, because I am one of those suckers that still loves his x, but am determined to get thru it all with as little scars as possible. Wonder if she will call and wish me happy birthday? lol


Wow, you really had a rough year. Sorry for the loss of your mother. I lost a good friend to cancer this summer, not long after my D-Day. I wish you the best of luck with your plans. At least you'll be in the company of your daughters. Have fun and thanks for sharing your story.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

TM84 - my advice is to show her unequivocally that she is your first choice, and highest priority - always.

If she doesn't want to go to a thing - then you must stay home with her, even if she implores you to go. You will stay, you will not cajole her with guilt or anything with else. You will stay and love her and make her feel that you are were you want and need to be - with her.

For xmas - decorate, and even consider taking her for a day or two someplace new to just be with her. She needs to once again feel like you provide her with love and safety. When she feels safe again, things can improve.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Why do you have to pretend all is perfect if you do something with friends? Why can't you just be authentic even if it means you and the wife are cool to each other? What's wrong with saying to close family and friends that you made some mistakes which were hurtful to your wife and marriage, and you two are working on it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

tm - just wondering how yesterday went??


----------



## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> TM84 - my advice is to show her unequivocally that she is your first choice, and highest priority - always.
> 
> If she doesn't want to go to a thing - then you must stay home with her, even if she implores you to go. You will stay, you will not cajole her with guilt or anything with else. You will stay and love her and make her feel that you are were you want and need to be - with her.
> 
> For xmas - decorate, and even consider taking her for a day or two someplace new to just be with her. She needs to once again feel like you provide her with love and safety. When she feels safe again, things can improve.


We stayed home and I did most of the cooking. We had a good day of it. As for Christmas, I'm going to decorate and make the apartment a bit festive. No money to go anywhere, but I think we'll have a good time.


----------



## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

Thor said:


> Why do you have to pretend all is perfect if you do something with friends? Why can't you just be authentic even if it means you and the wife are cool to each other? What's wrong with saying to close family and friends that you made some mistakes which were hurtful to your wife and marriage, and you two are working on it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're right, there is no need to pretend, and really, she didn't when we were out. There select few people who know what's going on. It's a need-to-know situation, so I'm not about to shout it out to the world.


----------



## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> tm - just wondering how yesterday went??


It was a good day. I did a lot of the cooking and she helped out. We set up a table in the living space of the apartment, had some food, wine and generally a good time. Thanks for asking. 

I also found out the reason behind her not wanting to go to my friend's place for the holiday. She mentioned that in the time that this has been going on, neither of the two friends of mine that I told called nor emailed to see how things were going. I had forgotten that at the beginning of the "discovery", when I mentioned what had happened to my closest friends, they offered to get in touch with my wife, but I wasn't sure about how she'd feel about them knowing and calling her. I just wasn't sure about anything at that point, so I told them that I wasn't sure if she wanted to hear from them. 

Now, I regret that move, but I may be able to turn it around. I hope, at least.


----------

