# High School Sweatharts - done after 13 years???



## gfc777 (Mar 22, 2010)

Spent some time searching the forums and cant find the right answers/direction... 

I’m 29 and been with my wife for over 13 years (married for 3.5). That’s right, “high-school sweethearts” ohh ****, what did I do!!! Throughout our lives together we were the “ideal” couple, we never fought to the point at which we hated each other, we always worked through our problems, our families are close and we love each others parents. Friends would look to us for couples advice and things like that... 6 months ago I took advantage of an opportunity to make some killer money and kick my career into overdrive. This meant being away from home for 3 weeks at a time. This wasn’t a decision I made on my own. Myself and my wife discussed it long and hard and decided it would be best for us as we were planning on building our dream home and starting a family. That’s the way we’ve always decided on things, as a TEAM.

Fast forward 6 month and here I am in a “train wreck”. She’s let me know that she feels different and that since I’ve been gone she’s explored her independence (she’s never lived on her own). I couldn’t imagine myself with anyone else and she says the same. However over the last 3 months things have changed. I’ve noticed her becoming increasingly “colder” towards me emotionally (she doesn’t initiate hugging, kissing, etc...). I come home every three weeks and I guess at times I may be a little overwhelming. Oh yeah, and she gave me the old "I love you, but not in love with you" thing about 1.5 months ago. 

In addition to all this, I sensed an affair happening about 3 months ago but KNEW she wouldn’t do that. I questioned here a couple of times and she’s just denied it (looking back, who wouldn't).

So about a month ago (one week post her telling me how she feels) I suggested that we just get out of town for the weekend and go shopping. So we went for the road trip and that evening while lying in bed I asked her one more time - Is there someone else? Finally, out with it... she said YES. She confirmed my beliefs and I was bang on! She made sure I knew that she had never acted on her feelings and that it was just emotional. I was angry but at the same time relieved to hear that it wasn’t JUST me. A lot went on that night - some discussion, arguing, hugging, etc... In the morning we went on and lived our lives like normal although I questioned her the whole way home about this person. I think I wanted to justify it rather than understand it (something I've learnt from other posts here). 

To make a long story short - I ended up asking her to leave the house and now shes been living at her parents for about a month. We exchange texts and phone calls once every couple of days, have been to one marriage counseling session and have gone out for coffee a couple of times. Other than that she seems set to move on and get her own place. I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster for the last month. One minute I’m balling my eyes out and the next I want to pull the rug out from under her, kick her out of the house and see just how independent she’s become! 

After I learned about the other person I turned cold and got very angry with her. We talked about separation and who would get what and even split apart bank accounts. This took it toll on me emotionally. I felt I was leading her down this road. I've been keeping a journal and decided to go through it and gather the good things I wrote about her/us. Keep in mind, to this point all ive done was be very short and angry with the situation.

We got together last week to discuss separating our bank accounts and who was paying for what now that she was out of the house. Before we met I told her that I had some things I wanted to say to her (she told me later that she was scared when I said this because she thought that I would rip into her again). What I told her was my true feelings, about how much I loved her, how much I care about her, what she means to me, whats important to me in life and how I would modify mine to better accommodate ours (I cried through the whole thing). She cried and said that since she told me about her feelings she has never felt this caring and loving feeling from me - just anger and maybe that’s what’s missing. She also mentioned that she doesn’t blame me for feeling the anger either. After she left I felt really good about letting my true feelings out. We met up again a few days later for coffee. Went OK. She said that me telling her these things really "FU&$ed her mind up", guess that means shes considering us. She says that shes scared about the thought of us not being together but needs to discover her independence. We also talked about her getting a car and her own place!?!?!? I'm soooooo lost!

Bottom line, I've always been the proverbial "nice guy" and hopefully thats not what caused this but reading into some of these posts suggest that COULD be it. I love my wife to death and would do anything to fix this situation and want to excel to the next level in our relationship.

For now, I’m giving her space and leaving the ball in her court so to speak (i.e. I don’t call or e-mail anymore). I keep on second guessing myself though, as she has told me that she misses the loving & caring - however, there is this other guy! I guess I'm really stuck right now between taking a hard line or giving her emotion. I want to suggest another couples session but I'm afraid of pushing her further away. I don’t know what to do anymore!!! She just sent me an e-mail talking about getting her own car again... Jeez, this seems dead in the water!

Any help? Anyone see anything different in my situation?


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## gfc777 (Mar 22, 2010)

*Re: High School Sweethearts - done after 13 years???*

Geez, I'm so messed up I can't even spell SWEETHEART right!!! Embarrassing....


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## hyndsight1 (Jan 28, 2010)

sweat heart, he he

Oh man, you are in a tough place. I feel like I wrote most of that post, (if your bored sometime you can find mine in the next forum down). You are doing the right thing by giving her space, DON'T beg or plead if you still want her back, she has to figure this one out on her own. Good luck man.


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## gfc777 (Mar 22, 2010)

Hyndsight1... Read through your posts last night/this morning... Wow, I feel for you man. Can’t believe how women can be so cold and how we as men can be oblivious to the situation. You are a VERY strong individual for handling the situation the way you have. Did you send the letter?

I recently read a story about the “Walk away wife syndrome”. Really opened my eyes and made me reflect on our relationship. Other than us being together since she was 15 and her NOW wanting her independence, this “Walk away wife” thing is pretty interesting. Talks about women as being the primary caretakers of the relationship at its early stages – true, and they eventually give up and decided to stop fighting – true. W tells H that she wants to leave and here we are... Immaculate! 

LINK - The Walkaway-Wife Syndrome : The Divorce Remedy

Just as an update, I talked to my W on the phone again today – she called me for some house questions. Near the end of our conversation I reiterated the following points:

1) I’m giving her space
2) I’m still her husband and I will fight for this marriage. I see value in trying to work on US to be better than we ever have.
3) I understand your need for independence and I’m no longer trying to justify it. Independence is important in any committed relationship and should be explored to its fullest with respect for the other person.
4) I’d like you to move back in so we can work on us but only under the condition that you WANT to work on US. I cant have you here if you’re driven by guilt. This is very important.
5) I described our marriage using the following sports analogy – just came to me when I was on the phone... “we’re like two players on the same team in a game that started over 13 years ago. We don’t know the rules, we don’t know strategies, we don’t even know how to score but for some reason we’ve made it this far and we’re winning. Now imagine if, at this point, we took a time out to learn the rules, educate ourselves of strategies and understood how to score. Do you think we would fair any better?”. I followed this up by telling her that I need to reiterate that I’m not trying to guilt her back in b/c I understand that would be bad news for both of us. What I’m trying to get her to do is to CONSIDER her decision to move on and think past tomorrow. If she still feels it’s better to move on and explore her independence w/o me, I will accept that and do the same. I’m her husband, and I’ll do ANYTHING to get her back except continually deny my self respect!

Her basic response is that she understands what I’m saying and that if she would have moved in by now it would have been driven by guilt. However, she does find some of the things I say to be something to consider. She has an appointment w/ her therapist tonight and will think about it some more. Again, ball’s in her court.

If anything good comes out of this whole experience, I’ve finally convinced my best friend to go see a counselor in order to work on his marriage. He has and said it’s been great so far. I feel like I need to write a book about this but there are so many out there! Which reminds me – I’m reading “No more Mr. Nice Guy”. I’ll let you all know how it goes...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

My 2 cents.

You need to lay down boundaries. This is crucial.

This isn't about her boundaries, or controlling her - it's about what you will tolerate, and what circumstances make this 'independent experiment' a deal breaker.

You already know that she is interested in someone else. You are now separated. Unless you clearly, concisely, and explicitly state otherwise ... she IS going to have an affair. At this point, you are all but enabling it by taking yourself out of the picture.

You need to lay out what the consequences will be should it become apparent that she is involved with someone else in any capacity. By stating what _you_ will do, based upon her actions, the consequences will be the result of her choice - not your reaction to her choice.

And more importantly, you need to be certain that you will deliver on those consequences.

That's great that she wants to find her independence. What exactly does independence have to do with hitching your wagon to a new man?

I can get fully behind honoring her wishes, and honoring the marriage.

But odds are, sadly, that she's playing you. Her discovery of independence will likely include the exploration of a relationship other than the one she is now questioning - but doesn't want to let you go in the event that things don't work out. 

That is not, and should not be even remotely acceptable to you.

She's bored with you and the relationship. That is what this is. So, make the lines of demarcation crystal clear in what is going on. If she cheats, act swiftly and without remorse (you can do the remorse piece on your own). Take a look at yourself and your dependence upon and need for this relationship. It isn't a balanced equation. Odds are, the less it becomes apparent that you pursue, need, or want her ... the more likely she is to find you attractive again. 

But seriously man, you need to spell it out. Because if you don't, she will take your silence as condoning her behavior to pursue greener pastures.


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## gfc777 (Mar 22, 2010)

Thanks Deejo - been waiting to hear from you.

I understand the need to set the boundaries around this and I think I've made myself clear. However, I'm a bit confused by the "should not pursue but cant take myself out of the picture" thing.

You said:

"At this point, you are all but enabling it by taking yourself out of the picture."

And then later:

"Odds are, the less it becomes apparent that you pursue, need, or want her ... the more likely she is to find you attractive again."

I struggle soooooooo much with this one. *How do you suggest I keep myself in the picture but at the same time - not pursue?* This is what I am desperately trying to understand - She's on the way out, already talked about buying a car and getting a place of her own. I've told her I want to work on us and bring us to the next level. My life's in shambles anyways - may as well throw my fists at this guys face and see how that works out...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You arrange opportunities to date her again. Prove to her that you CAN be a viable candidate.

fwiw, I never recommend people marry or continue to exclusively date their high school sweethearts. They aren't done growing up, and marriage (even exclusivity) stifles that part in each of us that needs to explore, learn yourself, try new things (things, not people), and just DISCOVER who you are. If you marry in such a situation, the woman almost always stifles who she is, to try to get the man to...turn into the husband she envisioned. And if he doesn't, doesn't turn around and focus on her but still does what HE wants in life while SHE turned into instant wife and housewife...well, the time will come when she does give up.

If you had dated around during those years before you married, if she had been able to be more of herself, and NOT an appendage of you, she would have gotten it out of her system, and wouldn't be so desparate now to reclaim it.

Basically, you just have to step back and let her experience life on her own. Men usually still do that to an extent when they get married; women don't.

For now...date her. Learn about the NEW her, the one she is becoming. Ask about that new person, see what her dreams are in life. See if you can fit into that new perspective she has with her new freedom. (sometimes you just can't) And you'll have to show her that you CAN be part of that new life of hers, and it won't put a crimp in her style, so to speak. 

She will never want to go back to being just your wife. She'll want to be HER; and if being with you goes along with that, well, you've got a shot.


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## gfc777 (Mar 22, 2010)

Turnera - thanks for the post. I understand what you're saying but she has NO interest in working on us right now. She's made that clear. As for her dreams, she doesn't even know - she wants to find that out, says there so much she doesn't know about herself. I can try to date her but she isn't willing.

I've been thinking, I've only had 3 solid relationships in my life (including this one) so maybe it's time for ME to do something for myself. I read through my journal today (all 30 pages of it) and I've been selflessly accommodating her requests and telling her over and over how much I love her. I've had NO BALLS throughout this whole situation. I've been trying to find out whats wrong with US - I'm a slave to this marriage and the "perfect" life we had planned! On her side, she's worried about leaving me... Piss off! I've opened my heart to this women and told her everything. All she can say after 13 years is that she's confused and doesn't want to hurt me.

I'm still suspicious of this other guy and want to go shove my fist down his throat. However, I also realize that I don’t have a relationship with him, I do with my wife. She has to take responsibility for allowing this to materialize. My line is drawn, if she moves on in life, so will I. Can she go off on her own and 6 months later come back to me - sure, if I'm willing to accept her back. 

I mentioned in my original post that I put my heart out on the line last week. I just found out (from a reliable source) that this has caused her to *really * consider what she's doing. Good, I've established a boundary - If she chooses to move into her own place and start her independent life, I will be doing the same. Not a reaction, but a consequence based on her choice! (Thanks Deejo)

Ahhhh, that feels better.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I certainly don't want to counsel making a confusing and painful situation more confusing and painful. My commentary is primarily based on what happened in my case - and what I have seen in many others.

A fantasy is only cool for as long as it is fun and pleasurable.

She is _imagining_ what independence looks like, and that perception, whether she is aware of it or not, hinges on you and your support. Financial support in particular. 

If she can easily obtain a car and apartment with or without you, then odds are that independence looks really appealing. But if she needs your financial support during her period of discovery, and you willingly provide it - you will be taken advantage of. You are effectively funding her ability to pull away from you and grow closer to someone else. _This_ is what happened in my case - and what I meant by enabling.

The closer she moves to the precipice of independence, and the more obviously painful that view becomes, the less green the grass appears on the other side. I hope this makes sense to you.

It actually sounds like a time-out could yield tremendous benefits to your relationship, as long as the both of you agree to and follow the rules you lay out. Taking care of yourselves as individuals _does_ serve the long term health of the marriage.

You stated your position by telling her how much she means to you and that you love her. That's not a bad thing.

Pursuing her, reinforcing your feelings, and trying to smother her with attention and affection is a bad thing, despite seeming like the right thing.

Did I clear things up or make the water muddier?

My gut tells me that she is far more drawn to the _idea_ of being on her own than the reality, so don't make it easy.

And if she chooses it anyway, make it even less easy. separate your funds, enforce your boundaries and keep contact to an absolute minimum. She made her choice. Once the pretty colors fade from the fantasy and take on the duller colors of routine or a nightmare, the more likely she is to see the light .





gfc777 said:


> Thanks Deejo - been waiting to hear from you.
> 
> I understand the need to set the boundaries around this and I think I've made myself clear. However, I'm a bit confused by the "should not pursue but cant take myself out of the picture" thing.
> 
> ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Exactly correct.


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## gfc777 (Mar 22, 2010)

Clear as day!

Thanks for that!


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## hurtbutrealistic (Mar 28, 2010)

Set the boundaries or she will take addvantage of the situation.

Women do not typically go to another man unless there is a problem. 

I am a 43 year old (pretty attractive and young looking woman) and my husband and I were married for 6 years before I had an affair (and oh yeah we were high school sweethearts too from 1983).Married in '85. What brought me to the afffair was my husband did not pay attention (like now) to me-he was muchmore involved with hismilitary career-getting the next promotion in the USAF-studying,etc..) Oh and I think I should point out that he had an affair while he was gone to Denver for training the 2nd year of our marriage and I was pregnant with our 3rd child). Anyway, one night we were watching TV (and this was just after he came back from a 9 month stint at Clear AFS Alaska),and I looked at him and I askd him "Are you still in love with me?" I got no reply. Nothing. It made me mad and well very depressed. I went so far as to pack a bag and put it in my broken down clunker of a car, to leave him. I worked at Dominos Pizza in Co at the time. There was a very nice, younger guy that was becoming increasingly close to me-attracted I guess, and one night I was just crying and he asked me to come to his house and talk-that is how it began. I was very sorry I did it -and my husband gave me hell for it when he found out-sent my kids to his mom's in California- so we could work it all out. That was a very rough time but we did get through it because we loved each other.. he was sorry he did not say it that night! 

Marriage is hard enough with normal every day problems from kids, bills, jobs,etc.. but throw in an affair and it takes the really tough ones to come through it shining. 

I thought we were one of those couples but sadly, after almost 25 years, I don't think I can take anymore. No, no affair this time. (Unless it is him with his computer game Star Trek that he can not leave alone).

good luck!


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## beautifullybroken (Mar 28, 2010)

Hi there, I am in a similar situation. I am married to my highschool sweetheart as well. We are now 27 and 28 and have been together for 11 years, living together for 10, and married only since February 2009. We had somewhat of an 'open marriage' so we did some experimenting and what not throughout the years but always managed to stick together. Our problems have nothing to do with these issues now, but I can see how your wife is questioning your marriage. Marriage takes a ton of work and effort to keep together. You have to spend time making an effort to stay bonded together, like the previous poster said, too many late night video games, or a busy career, (my husband worked out of Province for about 4 years and it was tough as hell) 

You have to ultimately decide what you can and cannot handle. If she wants to seperate just to dabble in what else is out there, say fine, but be clear that you will do the same. Is she interested in "dating" you at all? It could be a fun way to make things fresh again and help things feel new and reconnect. Good luck to you.


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## gfc777 (Mar 22, 2010)

*Re: High School Sweethearts - done after 13 years???*

Thanks for the comments guys – keep sharing, it gives us all perspective... 

Well, I’ve made my boundaries clear and she knows that if she chooses to go on with her life, I will do the same. I’ve also made it very clear that I want to work on us and ourselves as individuals but she has no interest at this time. She’s stuck on this feeling that this is something she has to do. She wants to come by the house and divide our assets soon and wants to get her own place. I’ve told her that I ‘m not in agreement with what she’s doing but it’s her choice. I will be moving on with my life soon enough.

After re-reading a lot of the posts from multiple forums I’m reminded of the trend that shows trying to fight it now is useless as “WE” are not a priority to her. She knows right now that I WANT her bad so how much risk is associated with her moving on? Not much! I’m also reminded that human nature makes us want what we cant have – look at the situation through my glasses and this becomes painfully clear. As for her, I’ve given her hope that she has me, a great husband thats willing to fight for the marriage to continue – she knows she HAS this and therefore probably doesn’t want it (whether she realizes it or not). 

I’ve seen the rules listed below in a number of posts:

“how to act and react to your wife when she is acting like this:”
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


Well, I’ve broken about a dozen of these but I’ve started reinforcing them as of yesterday as she is only inches away from breaking my boundary (I hope I’m not too late). 

For some reason, I also get a lot from this article Surviving Your Spouse's Midlife Crisis - Midlife Crisis

It’s based on surviving a mid-life crisis (she may or may not be going through this) but some important lessons here that have effected my perspective on the whole situation.

As for now, she can set up a time for us to go through our belongings as I have no interest in accommodating her need to move on her own. I got back to the gym and feel great – advice for you guys going through the same situations – just get out and enjoy life, go work out, go hang out with friends, take advantage of opportunities. This may be a blessing in disguise. Stop fighting it, she will not understand or reason with you and you’ll just fall lower on her totem-pole. Learn about yourself and explore...

One thing I wanted to do is get her a book to read along with me. This appears to have worked for a few others on this site. The one I’m contemplating is "I Love You but I'm Not IN Love with You" by Andrew G. Marshall. Talks about steps to saving your marriage. Still on the fence, I may read it on my own right now and give her a copy of the book if her attitude towards us changes. I don’t want to violate rules 8, 12, 20, 24, 29...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I wouldn't waste my time giving her a book to read. She'll be reading it with a jaundiced eye. And think you're pathetic.

In fact, what I would do if I were you, is start finding new things to do. DO move on with your life. Join a club, or a church or a class. Start having things to do.

There was a woman on another site whose H was cheating. He KNEW she was just sitting around at home moping for him. It gave him a thrill to know he had two women pining for him; he was rude enough to taunt her about it. I suggested that she start having 'something' to do at least a couple times a week when he came by to pick up the kids. So, when he came to get the kids, she'd be dressed nice and smelling good, and have her purse on her arm. When he got there, she went out the door, too, and got in her car and drove off. Sometimes, she'd say 'oh, can you keep the kids an hour longer? I've got plans and I won't be home til 10 tonight.' Stuff like that.

You wouldn't _believe_ the change in her husband, once he realized that, wait, maybe she COULD live without him. He started asking the kids where she was going, who she was seeing, what she said about him, if she asked about him...suddenly the affair just wasn't that alluring any more. And all she was doing was going to the store, or the bookstore, or to get an ice cream. But he didn't know that. 

What was important was, like you said, he realized she COULD move on, and that he didn't rule her world any more. Now HE had to pursue HER.

I'm not telling you to cheat, or even to lie about where you're going. That's not right. But DO find things to fill your life with. And if she happens to see it, well, so much the better.


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## gfc777 (Mar 22, 2010)

Thanks Turnera.

hmmm... we have no kids so that connection is not available.

I'm making myself busy for now. Her birthday is comming up and I'm not even sure if I want to send her a b-day text or not... I likley will as things are pretty civil for now.

If we divide assests I was thinking of keeping the house and most of the belongings but maybe that gives the signal that I can't move on... Maybe I should let go of it and get a condo or something... We'll see what the appraisal comes in at. I make more than she does but she has a good salary and steady job. We'll likely end up splitting the assets down the middle and she'll be walking away with a fist full of cash and a decent job. Financial stability will not be an issue for her... One more thing that she won't have to fight.


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## gfc777 (Mar 22, 2010)

BeautifullyBroken,

I tried sending you a message yesterday but I don’t think it made it...

Thanks for sharing on my post, I’d like to understand your situation a bit more if you’re willing to share. I keep blaming myself more than anything right now thinking why couldn’t I have just done some things differently. If I think back over the last year, we’ve been very task orientated, meaning, she would take care of the groceries, keeping this interior of the house upstairs, and most of the cooking while I would take care of the exterior, basement, paying bills, vehicles, etc... We never really did any chores together (well except washing dishes). The hardest thing for me is that I feel I can and WANT to change but she hasn’t given me the option to do so. She is so set on living her independent life right now its scary. I think the separation is going to happen – we no longer wear our wedding rings because she is not ready to work on this marriage.

I feel like if she moves off on her own that I’ve lost her for good. She’s doesn’t seem interested in dating right now. I’ve tried on a couple of occasions – we went out for coffee, had some good conversation but nothing really comes out of it – usually end off talking about who’s keeping what and I spill my heart out to her... Not a good thing.

Any insight on this?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm sorry, but she is on a mission to sow her oats. Until that 'mission' is accomplished, she simply can't see anything else. It's psychology. Unless there is another guy involved, the best thing you can do is learn where you could have changed things, change them anyway - because it's the right thing to do - and become a better person. If she sees it and likes what she sees, she may be back. But if she doesn't, you still have become a better happier person.

The most important thing you can do is ACCEPT that you can't control her. All you can do is be the person she would choose and hope she does choose you. And isn't that what we do all along anyway? A marriage is really only a choice.


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## gfc777 (Mar 22, 2010)

The saga continues...

Well, interesting past week. Stopped all conversation/pursuing/begging etc... on March 29th. I’m at a party with friends on April 1st and get a text saying “we should try talking again...”. I exchange a few texts with her and we end up meeting for breakfast yesterday morning. 

We sat at breakfast for over 2-1/2 hrs. Started out with small talk and catching up. I made sure I DID NOT initiate any relationship talk, this was very important to me. When she was ready, SHE started talking about our relationship, and not just talking, lots of crying and sadness too. At one point it got so bad that I held her hand for a minute and said “It kills me to see you like this”. We talked a whole bunch more about how she feels “so Fu&%ed up” and doesn’t know what to do. She said “...living on my own will be a good way to become more independent but what if it’s a big mistake”. I was dumbfounded and almost got mad but I thought, this is big, she’s finally talking sense and I didn’t even initiate it!!!! In fact, I only offered advice when she asked for it but for the most part I responded with the “I know how tough this is and I wish I can help you but you need to decide what’s right for you”.

One very interesting thing that she noted is that it seems as if her and I have switched positions on this whole thing. She actually notices changes that I’ve made in my life (eating healthy, working out, reading books to understand the situation, etc...) and says she feels like she’s done nothing over the last 6 weeks. In fact, she said that this last week was one of her worst weeks yet???? And here I am on one of my best weeks! Funny how putting myself first makes me happy! The cherry on top was when she told me that I’m her best friend, hmmmm. I wanted to yell out “OK THEN, LETS GET BACK TOGETHER ALREADY!!!”. But didn’t, I’m not going to force that, she needs to be the one coming to me saying “I want to get back together”. 

Anyways, we did talk a bit about trial separation. She thinks we need to do this as a means for her to move into her own place if that’s what she ultimately chooses. I responded by reinforcing my boundaries “move on your own and I’m starting to explore my independence”. She knew that and said she doesn’t even know if moving out of her parents into he own place is what she wants but at least a trial separation will give that option. I said I need to think about what a trial separation truly means to me before we go down that road. We talked a bit more and then went our separate ways. We did hug and for the first time – SHE INITIATED it!!! WTF is going on?

Story is not over yet... Later that day I’m out for a late lunch with a friend and get a call from my wife. Shes crying and is very upset, I was worried so I talk to her for bit to make sure she’s OK. She said she just need someone to talk to and felt like she had no one else??? I let her go when she calmed down. 

Long story short, I feel great!!! Not because of the way she’s feeling but because I AM in control of my life and for the first time I realize that I COULD hav a life with someone else! I’m going to continue focusing on myself and doing things I want to do. Goal #1 - take car of me. Goal #2 - take care of relationship. 

Thanks for the support everyone.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Great news!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You aren't just too nice - you are too weak. It is ok that you told her you still love her. What is not ok is that:
- She had an emotional affair
- She is not remorseful 

You can't help how you feel - but a strong person would say - ok I accept your decision I am going to start dating other people and you are free to do what you want. 

There are no gaurantees in this type of situation, but clinging to the cheater is the most likely way to destroy any chance of success. By doing that you are conveying that you think you are lucky to have her - which makes her thing LESS of you. 

A 180 - whether or not is succeeds does make the other person think MORE of you - maybe not enough to come back - or maybe enough. Depends on the situation. 





gfc777 said:


> Spent some time searching the forums and cant find the right answers/direction...
> 
> I’m 29 and been with my wife for over 13 years (married for 3.5). That’s right, “high-school sweethearts” ohh ****, what did I do!!! Throughout our lives together we were the “ideal” couple, we never fought to the point at which we hated each other, we always worked through our problems, our families are close and we love each others parents. Friends would look to us for couples advice and things like that... 6 months ago I took advantage of an opportunity to make some killer money and kick my career into overdrive. This meant being away from home for 3 weeks at a time. This wasn’t a decision I made on my own. Myself and my wife discussed it long and hard and decided it would be best for us as we were planning on building our dream home and starting a family. That’s the way we’ve always decided on things, as a TEAM.
> 
> ...


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Tough situation gfc777. I truly feel for you. My situation is slightly different then yours, but still close enough I think for me to lend you an observation or two about what I think I've gleaned from reading your post.

First observation: *BE A LEADER *by reading your posts it sounds like you are very ambitious, but also that you are not the primary shot caller in your relationship. This is bad, as most women seem to be looking for a mate who has a sense of direction both in and outside of the relationship. I know, I don't even know you, but I'm not sensing a strong identity outside of your work and your wife. It sounds like both of you may be lacking a firm understanding of exactly who you are. 

Second observation: *ADHERE TO WHAT IS RIGHT *I would recommend that you not tolerate behaviors that are either destructive to you, her, or both of you as a couple. Obviously you caannot control what she does, but you can inform her in advance of the consequences of certain decisions. I would suggest that you start doing that, say as of yesterday.

Final Observation: *BE PREPARED TO MOVE ON *This is not calculated positioning, or clever little tricks you can play to mind [email protected] her into thinking you are happy without her. Quite the contrary. It is a simple statement that you will honor her decision, and that certain choices will preclude the possibility of reconciliation.

It is also letting her know that she is operating outside of the covenant of marriage, and if she has issues to deal with, a separate place to live, a crush on some guy, and a new car are not the way to handle it. Let her know that love is patient, but not infinitely so. 

LIL


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## gfc777 (Mar 22, 2010)

Thanks guys.

MEM – I’ve drawn my line and I am sticking to it – If she decides to get a separation or she gets her own house, I am going to live my life as a single man. Not because I want to go and mess around with other girls (cause I really don’t) but because there would be no more “US”. She knows that. 

Lastinline – 

First observation: BE A LEADER

- Being a leader is no problem for me and I have been throughout this relationship (maybe not so much in the last little while). Identity... You hit the nail on the head – HUGE eye opener for me!!! I’m lacking understanding of who I really am. Halfway through “No More Mr. Nice Guy” Highly recommend it. Helping me find myself.

Second observation: ADHERE TO WHAT IS RIGHT

- My line is drawn. Once crossed I AM prepared to move on.

Final Observation: BE PREPARED TO MOVE ON

- Almost there, final thing I need to get over is trying to justify what’s going on... I understand a lot more about myself and this relationship than I did 2 months ago but still feel the need to justify her behaviors.

Above all, I still obviously love my wife and still want to work this out. However, if this goes south, I will be prepared to move on with my life. Tough pill to swallow but I WANT happiness.


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## gfc777 (Mar 22, 2010)

Ohh yeah, forgot to mention.

Wify is reading a book called "Eat, Pray, Love". For those of you that havent heard of it - here's the trailer:


YouTube - 'Eat, Pray, Love' Trailer HD


Ouch... If this is how she feels I guess I'll start the "80's Slow Clap" now. Come on everybody, join in... but slowly


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## Heidi (Apr 15, 2010)

Hi,
I'm 28 years old and have been with my husband since I was 18. We had a discussion lastnight about how we have grown into two very different people since we first got together. We've been together for 10 years and married for 6. We started living together only months after we met. Neither of us have ever cheated on eachother ( that I know of). We are at a place right now where we recognise that we are two different people and want different things but he wants to work on things and I just don't see how we can. I don't crave independence, I love the idea of marriage, but I do long to be free from this marriage. The reason I haven't asked for a divorce is because I care soo much about him and can't stand the idea of abandoning him. I feel as though my life is passing me by as I struggle to make him happy and in the process become more and more unhappy. I know I should just leave and let him deal with the hurt and heal, but I just can't seem to do it. I've even considered cheating on him because that would be the one thing that would make him leave me, though I am not capable of cheating on him nor do I think that is a solution. I'm just kind of desperate I guess and would appreciate what you guys think.


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## Heidi (Apr 15, 2010)

I forgot to mention that we've been fighting and argueing for the past 4 years and have gotten to the point where I basically avoid him when I can help it. He gets angry and frustrated that I'm not more like him and I get sad that he doesn't keep an open mind to my way of thinking and doing things. He feels that he is right and I am wrong in every situation and I don't feel he's wrong, just that we come to different conclusions. I want him to be happy but I'm obviously not the one that will make him happy to be with.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Heidi, you should set up your own thread and copy your posts into it, so people will know you're here asking for advice.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

gfc777 said:


> Long story short, I feel great!!! Not because of the way she’s feeling but because I AM in control of my life and for the first time I realize that I COULD hav a life with someone else! I’m going to continue focusing on myself and doing things I want to do. Goal #1 - take car of me. Goal #2 - take care of relationship.
> 
> Thanks for the support everyone.


So I am reading your thread from beginning to end but as I continue it is clear you are already seeking the research yourself and taking to action the things that both work for your own happiness and make yourself desirable to your woman.

I have nothing to add to this but my to wish to continue to see you doing well by taking control of yourself and your environment.

To do this will put the ball in your court when it is the time to decide to reconcile with your woman or cut her loose and move on.

Even so you are on the right track and I hope it continues!

Also my appreciation for what you have shared so far in this thread that is beneficial for many other good men that are hurting and needing to see this same advice in action. 

I wish you well.


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