# how long should i wait after giving up hope



## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

I have decided or just about decided my marriage is over. I am so unhappy and he doesnt try or will never change. For full story and to be able to understand this post, read my first post http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/3922-complete-loss-long-vent.html#post37792

I realized that and am still trying to comes to terms with it. You see I am 100% against divorce. However, i just cant deal with this anymore. my mind is not "made up" but I give up. 

so that being said, i am worried how this is going to affect the children. my youngest being 3. And although he is not a great dad or even a good dad, he has his moments and the kids of course are attached to their dad. That is how i raised them. 

i never wanted to end this marriage. When i got married, it wasnt a spur of the moment thing. we dated for almost 2 years and went to classes and so forth. It was for better or worse, till death do us part. i never wanted for my children lives to be distroyed and to have to face those decisions. even when i was single, i had the 3 kids and i never once subjected them to my boyfriends. i made it a point not to have men in and out of their lives. i made it a point not to bring guys home, no matter how in love i thought i was. for dates, i would meet them there. if it was serious, i waited and grateful so because they didnt last. All my boyfriends knew i had kids, i didnt hide that, but i hide my boyfriends and drama from my kids. and i honestly believe they were better off because of it. david was the first and only man i bought home and that was for keeps (or so i thought)

my daughter was 3 when i got married and she thinks of david as her dad. my other 2 have accepted him also. i never allowed the word step dad in my house. the kids knew that if they ever said you are not my real dad, they would be in big trouble. and for the most part, david treats mine like he treats his own. he just doesnt treat them all the way i would like. we have always had issues with disciple, he tends to go overboard and belittles or critisises them. i hate that. he flat out just ignores my 15 year old now, they dont get along, and my son has lost what little respect he had or that i had taught him to have for david. but i still maintain that my son treat and show him respect because he was the dad. things are rocky with all of them and the displine and upbringing has fallen soley on me. (and yes, i resent it) Even the 2 little ones, dont ask dad for much. they have decided all on the own that it just not worth the effort. for example, can you make me a sandwich, david get upset, and says, i guess but you better eat dinner and you always do this, or you are old enough to know how to make your own sandwich and so on and so on. Please understand, david is not saying this in a directive manner, or constructive manner, but he is saying it hateful and with spite. the kids would rather ask me, because i tend to be more cheerful, sure no problem, i will make you half a sandwich because we are having dinner soon and so forth. If they ask david to jump on the trampoline with them or to play catch, they get a huge sigh, and a i guess. followed by i am tired, i work and my arm hurts. during catch, he critises them, why didnt you catch that, you are not trying, you will never be good if you dont do this or that, that is not the way i told you to do it, cant you do it right. again, most of it is done either hateful or spiteful. Although, i will say many times, he does good with them. I guess he just has to be in the right mood. the last 2 or 3 years, he doesnt do much with them without me telling him he needs to do it. in the past year and a half, he hasnt done anything at all. if he is out working on a car or in the yard, and the kids being kids want to help, he tolerates it for a short time, then starts getting mad because they moved the tool or they are in the way. and finally get out of here and go play. i hate that too. only the 3 year old goes to him now when he is working. everyone else avoids him. i cant count the number of times, i have sent out my 15 year old to go help his dad, to cut wood, or bring in wood, to work on a car or whatever he is doing. only to have the boy come back in within 10 minutes, upset because his dad is "being a jerk" or "told him to go away" or "dont want me there". they even ask me to fix the bike or toy before asking david. (my dad was a carpenter & did his own mechanicing, my dad built his house, and i was always right beside him so i know alot, and i am a firm believer that ANYthing can be fixed) But like i said, he does have his moments and at least he is there and part of their life. 

how do i take that away from them. After all these years of stressing we are a family and you will accept him and you will respect him. we always do things as a family, if a kid is in ballet, we all go, david included, sports, we all go, david too. i dont want my kids not to have a dad at home. last year the parents of a little boy in my sons kindergarten class got divorce. that sweet cheerful little boy is now so depressed he is barely functioning. And he has a great dad who is still very much active in his life. i dont want that happening to mine. i dont want to take the security away that i spent so many years building. 

So i want to hold out for as long as i can stand it, for the sake of the children. we are not like your typical fighting parents. we dont disrepect each other in front of the kids, we dont yell or fight in front of the kids or at least not about really important things. we are still the somewhat united front to them. As much as we ever were. I know they see things, but they dont fully understand it. I dont talk badly about david in front of them or on the phone when they are in the room (little kids have big ears) In fact, i strive to do the opposite, i do the same as i always did. Telling them oh, you have to show your dad, or go ask your dad to play ball with you, or lets go get your dad and we will go. or wait till your dad gets home and we will play a game. david has never been a big talker, the kids are used to his silence. and although i talk on forever (apparently, lol) i now just talk with the kids now and not so much to david when we are together. when i do have to talk to david, i talk to him the same as i always did. if he says something that ticks me off, i dont say anything until all the kids are asleep (not just in bed, i check everynight if they are asleep) and i will let him have it then. we still fight about the dishes or laundry. but we always fought about those things. i make an effort to control the venom in my speech and keep the sarcasism to a minimum. 

The problem is that i just dont know how much more i can stand. And i have no clue how to even begin getting a divorce. i am so overwhelmed, i am so unhappy, i cant stand how my husband acts, i cant mentally or emotionally handle too much more. i know i have been past my limits for a very long time. i cry in bed just about ever night or once a month anymore. i am a silent cryer (developed well before i was married and after the brakeup of many failed relationships) but i know he knows i am crying, he just rolls over, turns his back and pretends to be asleep. And there is a part of me that worries what he is teaching the children. being that they most learn by example, and he doesnt do anything, much less show any kind of emotions, no hugs, no kisses, half the time no smile or laughter. I used to have plenty for the both of us, but now i am in the same boat as he. at least towards him, my kids are always my pride and joy, i cant get enough hugs and kisses from them and we share lot of moments of smiles and laughter. But i know they notice that mommy doesnt hug daddy anymore, and daddy doesnt kiss mommy when he comes in from work anymore. i am a touchy feeling person, when it comes to my husband, i used to always walk past him and pat his azz. or hold his hand, or sit next to him, or put my head on his lap. if he was cooking i would go behind him and hug him, grap his package if the kids were not in the room. stuff like that which i no longer do. I used to joke and laugh with him all the time, which i cant do anymore. so i know the kids have noticed and i dont want them to think that is the way it is between a man and a wife. I also dont think he sets a good example as a man and as a dad. Sometimes i think the children would be much better off without him there, or if i found someone who actually would be a good dad and husband. (although being overweight, 41, and 5 kids, i dont think i will find that other man besides i know david has damaged me and i dont know if i will ever have a relationship like i wanted to have)

so what do i do. how do i weigh the best of 2 evils? my main priority has always been my kids. i feel trapped living with a man i no longer love or just about no longer love in order to give my kids a stable, secure and hopefully happy childhood. And it is well worth it. i gratefully sacrifice my happiness for theirs. 

So a better question is....How do i Cope with this?


----------



## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

bump


----------



## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

Wow! I never got any response to this>


----------



## jfk76 (Mar 18, 2009)

Hi 

I am feel sorry for u..Take care!! Seek a professional help soon. U can do it.


----------



## justean (May 28, 2008)

do or try what i do. get out and get a hobby. i keep busy through my children and my horse and work and the rest of the household chores.
ive just told my H i dont want to be with him.
i dont want him to move out. i want us to be friends.
asking your H to do that is hard.
funny though for the issues ive had with him over the yrs. 
if id av done what he had done. id av been out of that door a long time ago.
men.


----------



## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

From reading all your earlier posts...this isn't a healthy environment for the kids or you...it sounds like you need to end it as soon as you can and try and rebuild and move on.

The kids will be okay, it will be an adjustment and there will be some resentment and lack of understanding in the short term but once things settle down and they are stable again, the kids will be fine. When things are bad, even though it's not presented in front of them, kids know.

You can file for legal separation, that may wake him up and he will want to make some changes to save his marriage or it may just give you the understanding you need to move forward with a divorce.

There are a lot of different places you can get the paperwork to fill out and file, filing fees are usually not too expensive and you don't need a lawyer to file. If you move forward with the divorce you can also do that paperwork without a lawyer as long as you can both agree to property distribution, debt and spousal and child support and visitation...it can all be done pro se, it just takes some time.

You're unhappy and in a bad marriage and it's affecting your health and the health of your kids, not only physically but mentally...so you have a decision to make. It's not going to be the best thing to endure, that's the easiest thing to do...

Blessed Be,
Preacher


----------



## picabu (Mar 11, 2009)

I am sorry to hear of how this is impacting you & your children. I know how torn you can get between wanting to make it work & wanted to say f*^% IT!!! 

Seems to me though from this post that he isn't being much of a father & that your children would probably be releived he was gone. However, they will be concerned for you and how you will handle it as I know they understand how much you love this man. 

I have the same issue, trying to make it work by myself w/ a spouse unwilling to work with me. My children have told me that while we are not fighting that the tension in the house is incredible, and that it is impacting them. 

At some point we have to decide what is best for all involved.

Good luck to you and God bless your entire family.


----------



## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

MrsVain,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation and can empathize with your feelings. I am currently going through my own process of trying to decide what to do.

I recently purchased a book that I think is tremendous. It gives you some great things to consider while trying to make this very important decision. Some people hate the book because they think the author advocates leaving a relationship too quickly but I disagree.

The book is "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship". I bought it at my local Barnes and Noble for $15. Amazon has it for around $10.

I wish I could offer more feedback/guidance but honestly, I don't feel very qualified to do so since I'm pretty much in the same boat.

Best of luck.


----------



## TIME (Mar 2, 2009)

I have read all of your posts. You pour and pour and pour yourself out, and you have made it very clear (at least to me) that you are done. I understand not believing in divorce for religious reasons because I was the same way. But then at some point I realized I couldn't stay married. I married for the wrong reasons and it would never have changed, so I was just wasting my life trying when I was not happy to begin with.

Since you are the one who has to decide to stay or go, you must first decide if you want to live your life like this. If you do not, you will go. If you can put up with the things that bother you so, you will stay. It is a choice. Separating would give you a better picture of what life is like apart. You may be able to make a better decision after trying a separation.


----------



## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

sorry to hear how things are going. Though I'm not an expert I do believe that at the very least the kids are learning about relationships through you and David. They are seeing the not talking and not touching which I'm sure you don't want them to be in their future relationships. I would think that since your older son has no respect for David that some of that has to trickle down to the others or at least pave the way for future resentment. Though I'm also against divorce, at some point (if you've exhausted all possibilities of resolving the problem) you have to take the kids into consideration as well as your own well being. A separation would certainly be a final wake up call to David and either start the healing process for you by getting away from him or force him to make his decision of what he wants with your relationship. I do believe that some form of support group (even if it's on this site) would be help for you during the transition of separation/divorce. Possibly a church?

I wish you the best of luck and hope you have the strength to do what is best for you and your kids.


----------



## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

I do thank all of you for your responses. Sorry i was gone for so long, i was dealing with it alright for a few months but things havent changed a bit.

i think that divorce is definately the answer. unfortuantly. but i cant deal with it anymore. and the things i am asking for are not that hard for him to give. 

right now it is killing me thinking that it is over. but i believe i am one step closer to making that decision and divorce is inevetable.

thanks again


----------

