# My Wife is calling and texting another guy, need help, it's driving me insane



## Oregon38 (Sep 19, 2010)

My wife and I separated a little bit over a year ago. Seeing her move out with my daughter hit me like a hammer in the face. My depression, which I think was already going on before that, turned into a massive one but I somehow managed to get medication and counselling to work on issues I had. 

Unfortunately, my doctor switched my meds due to some severe side effects and after about one month of feeling better I pretty much was back to where I started. I stopped taking the meds, discontinued the counselling sessions and the depression took over my life again. During the entire year, my wife, daughter and I spent a lot of time together, doing short trips, watch movies, play games, celebrate events, I even spent quite a few nights at my wife's place. Those were the good days during my depression, otherwise I was not able to work on any issues we had.

My wife was in her last year of college which pretty much took over her entire time, my daughter spent a lot of time at my place and overnight and then graduation came in June this year. Since then, I felt that the relationship with my wife had changed. When I left her place in the evening (for example after watching a movie) she was just standing on the door saying good night without any hug or kiss, she didn't even let me near her.The same happened when I picked up my daughter to sleep at my place due to my wife's work schedule. I was not invited anymore to spend a night. Going on a trip to the coast as a family suddenly felt like going there with a stranger. So I knew, something had changed.

About one week ago my wife called and asked for a night out so we could talk about the next steps since one year had passed. She told me that I didn't use the year wisely, didn't change anything about my issues and that she's doesn't really feel much for me anymore. Since then, I've tried several times to explain to her my situation that I was and still am depressed and that I couldn't function right. Unfortunately, I was not what she wanted to hear. This was a wake up call and I really got my act together, called my doctor, got some meds, had already my first counselling session again. I still love my wife from the bottom of my heart and I told her that and asked for some extra time so I can proof to hear that change is possible.

However, three days ago I went shopping with my daughter in the evening and suddenly she mentioned to me that my wife is constantly calling and texting at various times during the day, even late at night. So I said, it must be some of her girl friends from school but my daughter told me then that she thinks it might be a man. So when I dropped my daughter off at my wife's place after the shopping, I confronted my wife about my daughter's suspicion and she completely denied it. The fact that there might be something going on just drove me crazy. One agreement after the separation was that I would cover some of the bills, including telephone. So the next day I ogged on the website and there was one number from out of state which showed up very frequently. It even showed the caller id, a guy's name. And the talking time was amazing, between 30min and 3.5 hours, the longer calls always at night, probably over 50 calls. The fact that my daughter was sleeping right next door or at my place, when all this happened, just drives me crazy.

So the next day I went over to my wife again and asked her about this, whether she is calling somebody and talking for a long period of time, especially at night. She said it's not my business. After a couple of minutes I confronted her with the name and telephone number and suddenly big silence. She wanted right away that I would change the account over in her name so I couldn't sneek behind her back anymore (it is still in my name).

Today, we went on a family trip and she kept on texting. After we came back I had lunch at my wife's place and after we were done she suggested everybody should take a nap. At about 8pm tonight she called and asked whether I wanted to watch a movie, I agreed. During the movie, two txt messages, she said she needed something in the kitchen but checked her messages, so I left a little bit after 10.

Big surprise: during her nap time she called the guy again and talked to him until 8pm, right before she called me. Just a couple of minutes ago she got off the phone with him again after almost 3 hours, just right when I left.

I'm totally devastated, I love her, I wan't that we all come together again as a family, I wan't to become a better person and now this. Any help is appreciated. 

P.S. She told me there is nothing sexual or anything else going on, just friend. But why such long calls at night when everybody else is asleep? She said it was a friend from college, lie. And lately she complained to me that she had trouble sleeping at night and going to bed around 3am. Now I know why!


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## Oregon38 (Sep 19, 2010)

Little update: We were planning on going to an event today as a family but I am not so sure about it. It just hurts too much much knowing that she is calling this guy even more now. Especially with the fact that my daughter will spend the night with me just drives me insane. I already know what will be going on, calling and talking for hours since nobody else is there then.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Oregon38, I'm sorry you are going through this; I really know how difficult it is. I spent much of my first year of separation HOPING. My husband was doing all kinds of things and had a steady string of girlfriends. I spent much of my time trying to win him back too.

From what I went through I learned something. As long as he "had his cake and was eating it too", I didn't have a chance. For your own well being you need to tell your wife she is going to agree to work on the marriage, move back home, and have no contact with the OM. If she isn't willing to do those three things, I think you have your answer. After living in limbo for a year , I finally gave my husband that ultimatum. It really didn't surprise me chose divorce. But then he wouldn't even file--I had to do that too. 

Perhaps other forum members can offer more advice. But at some point I think you have to ask if you are better off living like this or moving on. I wish you the best with this struggle.


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

hi oregon...

what evidence do you have to prove that she's having affair. 
you must ensure that you have the strong evidence before confront her.


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

Just sounds like whoever is on the other end is the person that provided your wife with affection/attention/care while you were busy with your depression problems. Sounds like an emotional affair to me but I agree, you need solid evidence or a confession if it really is a physical affair. 
Chances are as you continue to get better, she will at one point not need to talk to this mystery person as much anymore. If she is spending most of her time with you then there is something to say about how she feels for you. 
Ask her if all of her needs are being met and if there is anything you can do for her. It's easy for one to get caught up with their own depression and overlook when the other partner is in need. Just some thoughts... I hope it all works out and she comes around again.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

As far as Oregon38's situation goes, it doesn't matter if his wife is having an emotional affair or a physical affair. He has plenty of proof--the phone records. The proof is mainly for him anyway; it merely keeps him from doubting himself. This separation has lasted more than a year and his wife only grows more distant. Also, it is going to complicate his mental health issues the longer this instability is in his life.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> As far as Oregon38's situation goes, it doesn't matter if his wife is having an emotional affair or a physical affair. He has plenty of proof--the phone records. The proof is mainly for him anyway; it merely keeps him from doubting himself. This separation has lasted more than a year and his wife only grows more distant. Also, it is going to complicate his mental health issues the longer this instability is in his life.


Yep. I agree on pretty much everything. What sort of actions his wife is going through while being unfaithful is completely irrelevant. What matters is that an affair is happening. 

Moreover, finding evidence is primarily only for the loyal spouse - it proves you are not crazy or making things up.

Any time a couple is separated, the chances for an affair increases immensely. And this situation pretty much guarantees an affair. The separation occurred because of problems in the marriage, which hubby was supposed to work on. Instead, he spent the time feeling sorry for himself (i.e., becoming _depressed_.) If this is true clinical depression (that is, a chemical imbalance) then medication will help him deal with it. Otherwise, this is simply a person dwelling on their troubles and choosing to paralyze themselves with doubt, denial and refusal to face it. 

With true clinical depression (chemical imbalance), medication works wonders. But if the cause is NOT chemical, the patient moves from pill to pill, looking for magical cure, and suffering all kinds of side effect. The reason: the doctor is trying to fix an intellectual issue with chemistry. At the best, all this does is keep the patient high and docile. At the worst: deep depression via chemical imbalance and burnout (ask any drug addict!)

And what does his wife do? Finds someone who does NOT make these choices! The problem is that she is doing this while they are still married! In other words, she is dealing with the problems in the wrong way altogether. 

The problems CAN be solved: but it requires hard work on Oregon's part: face up to his own issues, quit avoiding them, and learn to live a healthy life without depending on others to fix everything for him. Once he makes it to that level, she will see the changes, and he will have the opportunity to offer her a healthy relationship. 

It would be nice to have her stop the affair and come home: but what incentive does she have? Why would she make that choice, especially if the new choice _seems_ better? (Most likely it is hardly different from her current situation; she is filling in the blanks and glossing over the negatives.) The affair will most likely die, but unless thing change, another one is very likely to occur.

Quite true: a large part of the solution would be for her to come home and start working on the problem. But is home looks miserable, emotionally draining, gray, bleak and sad, she is not likely to take that step.

So my suggestion: start doing that work she mentioned in the first place. Don't put it off another year because 'you just don't feel like it.' How long would a JOB last if that was how you worked? How long do you expect a marriage would last under those circumstances - especially if you've already been separated for a year and she's found out that there are other people out there without those problems?

Oregon - just to let you know, I can help you work through a lot of the depression - but you'd have to be willing to do the work! With that out of the way, there's a good chance your marriage can be saved (your wife is still around you, eh?)


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

:iagree: with Pete.

The only thing I'd add, is that trying to "work on the marriage" at this point is useless. You're best bet is to move on with your life, limit the contact with your wife, get your sh#t together mental and physically. If you do it, she'll notice. No guarantee that it will change anything. But if you get happy, then you'll be happy regardless. There is really no gesture, words to say, ultimatum or any other thing you can do to make her do what you want. Sorry dude.


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## Oregon38 (Sep 19, 2010)

Thanks everybody for your support and advice. 

After writing this post that night I had a lot of mixed feelings about this situation. Just by coinsidence I typed my wifes name and her favorite chat site in google and boom, there was her profile page. Reading all of it was just like being on the highway of emotions. There was this guy's photo. Questions like "what would you do if you win in the lottery", he answered "buy a ticket to Oregon", she answered "let's pretend you have already won". Another one "are married, single etc.", she answered "separated for over one year, so I would say single " and so on. So I knew she was already emotionally attached to him, even though he lives in a different state. 

After looking at this profile page over and over again the lights went out. I packed my stuff, said good-bye to my dogs (they knew something was not right) and suddenly I've found myself driving on the highway. I was absolutely ready to crash my car.
After driving a few miles I called my wife. I told her about the calling that night and the stuff on her profile. She just said everything on there was just a joke anyway, just a game and that she might broke off the contact to that guy earlier on the telephone. But I wouldn't know for sure if wouldn't come back and talk to her. I told her that I always wanted to be the guy she can come to and talk about stuff and that she is addicted to this online stuff and needed help. She agreed to change it. All this talking was going on for about 30 minutes and for some reason she convinced me turn around and come back. 

I finally drove my car back and she said I could come over to her and talk and sleep there. Everything that happened between us that night and the day after that was just there to calm me down, I know that, I can feel that.
Still, there are all those unanswered questions about this online thing, she still keeps on talking about that nothing has changed over this year. She told me that she was talking to this guy about cooking and eating healthy, nothing sexual and so on but I'm absolutely not sure. It seems like I'm missing something there. 

I asked her whether we should make the separation final - no answer but after knowing her for over 15 years I'm pretty sure - I can feel it - she has already made up her mind and wants to move on. I know she is also depressed with our situation and especially her job because her work place promised her a better position after college and she didn't get any of the openings. I told her we need both some professional help and don't talk to strangers who don't have the necessary tools to give us both a better insight of what is going on. 

So far I am not sure what will be going on. I'm absolutely not ready to face the fact that everything will be over and I'm sure there is some hope which she can't see right now. I definitely need to get some distance from her right now because all this emotional up and down just drives me crazy. But it would come with a sacrifice, I wouldn't be able to spend time with my daughter that much, which I love very much.


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

i think, you should trust in her explanation for a while. however, do not put your guard off.

before you decide to separate, be sure to have strong evidence for her lies. do not suspect without proof.

what was happened to me is i already had all affaiir evidences that enable me to decide her lies behind me. control your emotion.
i know this is hard to accept.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Look up a thing called the 180. It's basically a way for you to detach from the situation, and get your emotions in check. I found that when I am/was invested in an outcome of getting her back, my emotions ran rampant and I got myself worked up, and felt like I was spinning out of control. When I was able to detach, focus on MY LIFE, MY GOALS, MY HAPPINESS, I got calmer and more focused.

Right now she is not invested in your relationship, she keeps drawing you in, just enough, either because she feels guilty about hurting you, or because she's fearful of letting you go, but at the same time is not working on creating intimacy. 

Breaking long standing emotional ties is very hard. It is perfectly normal for you to feel how you do. Try to be gentle with yourself, find some activities that feed your soul and make you feel good. Whatever happens, you need to get okay living with yourself. 

For you own mental health and peace of mind, you may be better off taking a break from any communication with her. Everytime you talk with her, it both opens to the door to intimacy and shuts it in your face. It's so very hard to deal with that. 

As for gathering evidence, I don't see the point. She's emotionally invested in another man, whether sexual or not. She enjoys the attention and flirting, and he feeds her emotional needs. If you try to compete with him right now, you'll lose because she doesn't value the emotional needs you fill for her. IMO, best to remove yourself for the situation until she realizes what she's lost, if that happens at all. 

Affairs are validating and largely fantasies. The fantasy doesn't end until something happens to snap her out of that. It's very similar to any other type of addictive behaviour.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

PS: Any minimizing the emotional connection is just that - minimizing on her part. It's NOT just "fun", "entertainment", or whatever else she is calling it. She is emotional invested in this other guy. It's an affair, or relationship, or whatever you want to call it. He's in and you are out right now. Don't trust her to be honest about this.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

PPS: Instead of asking her if you should make this final, I'd suggest you take control and state "I'm going to proceed with divorce." You could say something like: "Obviously you aren't invested in fixing this and you are getting attention elsewhere. I want happiness for you, but this limbo is making me extremely unhappy. It's time for us to move on permanently. I wish you all the best."

(Okay, last addendum!)


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Oregon38 said:


> After looking at this profile page over and over again the lights went out. I packed my stuff, said good-bye to my dogs (they knew something was not right) and suddenly I've found myself driving on the highway. I was absolutely ready to crash my car.


Since you are back in counselling, it would help to talk to your counsellor about this incident. He/she may have an emergency contact number for you if you have these thoughts. 

Calling your wife might get her attention in the short term (you probally really scared her) but it will have the opposite affect you want in the long term.


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