# If you were in my shoes... how long would you wait?



## TheBiz (Oct 10, 2011)

quick background...

Married for a LONG time. in the past year hit a really rough patch. Been in marriage councelling for almost a year. Lots of issues to get through. One issue is big trouble, need some input.

As I found out in councelling, my wife has a psychological problem with sex. I found out over the majority of the marriage, I was completely insensitive to my wife's sexual needs, the biggest being non-sexual attention. Over the years the only time I actually touched her (arm, shoulder, anywhere) was only to my wanting sex. I had my bang, she obliged, and I was done. Years of this has created for my wife a physical and psychological replusion to my touch and she's on meds for the panic attacks. The councellor has us doing exercises to introduce non--sexual touching to help my wife get over this. Wife is also in private therapy.

I know I was a complete dumba$$ for many years... but this process is taking a long time! I haven't had sex for over a year, and peeling one off just doesn't cut it.

How long would you wait for this healing process? I have been told by the councellor that it is possible that she may not recover. What would you do? Divorce?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I'm not convinced this popular diagnosis is correct or even real. It sounds like nonsense to me. It sounds like the therapist is telling you you're basically a rapist. And your wife's response to that was to do nothing and suffer in silence. Because after all, women are precious butterflies who need to be courted for approximately 4,000 hrs before every sexual encounter. I guess it's possible but then what's the point? Your wife is convinced she's damaged, it's all your fault and anything sexual will just make it worse. 

I would tell her "You're right, I'm evil, sex is wrong and we'll never 'do' it again, ever. Problem solved."


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

For me, it would be a big "depends". Are you seeing any progress? Does it seem like your wife is honestly working on things with you?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheBiz (Oct 10, 2011)

PBear said:


> For me, it would be a big "depends". Are you seeing any progress? Does it seem like your wife is honestly working on things with you?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Definately seen progress... she doesn't flinch anymore when I touch her, a simple caress on the shoulder, holding hands that sort of thing.. but in no way can I touch her skin other than hand/arm. It has taken 5 months just to get to this point. 

Like I said I was a dumba$$ in how I treated the wife.. and Rome wasnt built in a day... but geez.. the way this is going... I'm gonna be waiting for a long time just to get some action again.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

Biz... did you essentially sexually assault her for years?? Verbally abuse her and then demand sex?? Seems like there must be something more to this that you don't know or that you aren't telling us. 

Was this extreme aversion to your touch a sudden change?

Am I the only one who thinks his wife's response is extreme given what he's told us?


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## TheBiz (Oct 10, 2011)

maybe more background info... talking about this stuff is strange... 

we are both in our late 40's, she a good woman/wife all the time. raises the children right, keeps a good house, always a good meal at the end of the day, I got clean socks. She volenteers for the school lots, has her womenfolk over once a month to play cards and I stay clear of that and usually watch a game on the tv in the other room. She has some crafty sort of hobby she gets in and out of.

I come to figure out after thinking about it had changed over the last 5 - 10 years. Yeah.. granted.. life gets busy when you gotta harda$$ job, kids, I'm tired at the end of the day. I just want to be left alone til I wanted something. It was gradual change about her interest in sex, that by the end, she just laid there, head turned to the side and kept her eyes closed shut. I just thought she was just not into it, but obligied anyways. Didn't have a clue that this was 'hurting' her. Never verbally abused her... but we never really talked. I just don't have much to say. I'm just an average joe kinda guy.

I just found this all out about a year ago when wife told me to show up at certain address and time, and low and behold it was a marriage councellor office. After that I learnt about everything... not only does she doesn't want me to touch her... but no guy... no handshake... no nothing from a guy. Damn if I was shocked when I found out that she touched herself, but even worse that she can't even get herself 'worked up' when she tried.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She volunteers at school, cleans the house, takes care of the kids, etc. What has she done to give you the impression that she's in love with her husband? Laying there with her face to the wall when her husband is trying to be intimate with her? Instead of talking to you about it maybe initiating her style of nonsexual touching, you get suprise-informed by a marriage counselor after y'all have been together probably close to 20 years? Not being a natural Don Juan doesn't make a man a rapist. We have words we can use if our partner is doing something we find unsatisfying.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I don't think that anyone can tell you how long you should wait. You'll have to determine that yourself.

How is the marriage counselling going? Is there any forward progress?

As it was mentioned before, people can use words to communicate their thoughts and wishes. She also has a responsibility in this in that she did not communicate this to you - perhaps she thought her actions were saying it for her - marital sex should be a consensual, enjoyable act for both.

But, it is good she is in counselling - although maybe she needs some individual counselling as well to help her determine why she couldn't speak up and why she was willing to simply endure for so long.

Best wishes.


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## randomtxguy (Sep 24, 2011)

I agree with Enchantment, this is a very personal decision that you'll have to make. If I were in your position, I would use the marriage counselor to broach the subject. Bring it up when you're in a safe place together. If she's willing to work toward a sexual relationship, you'll know you're ok. If not, well, you know what you're up against.

It does sound like she has a battered woman syndrome though. However, it takes two to tango and I agree with those who posted previously that she might have something else going on emotionally. You sound supportive and willing to work through this, and that means a lot.

Good luck to you and hang in there!


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## TheBiz (Oct 10, 2011)

Damn! As some of you posted.. there was something else going on. As randomtxguy said, I brought this up at our MC session.

It took well over the hour of booked time, and this MC charges to the moon for OT... but at least we got to the nitty gritty... I'm so f'ing angry and confused!

Wifey finally broke down, and told the whole story... she was raped in the parking lot at the craftstore. She kept this private for years and couldn't take it anymore, so I got the brunt of it in the end! If I knew immediately I would have hunted down that useless piece of sh!t ... but that's impossible now. 

Now my wifey is spoiled, she kept it from me cuz she knew that is what I would think. I left the appt... I can't even look at her anymore. Not only did I fail to protect her, now I can't imagine touching her ever again knowing another d!ick has been there... 

No wonder she went all crazy making a perfect house and all the work and attention with the kids.. 

I don't know what I am going to do now... I think I better buzz off for a while and figure this out.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

She's spoiled? Wow!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

TheBiz said:


> Now my wifey is spoiled, she kept it from me cuz she knew that is what I would think. I left the appt... I can't even look at her anymore. Not only did I fail to protect her, now I can't imagine touching her ever again knowing another d!ick has been there...


This is probably the most shocking thing I have ever read on this forum.

Your wife was raped and your response? That she is "spoiled"?

That is beyond disgusting.

Whatever troubles you two are having, this is on you to change.

Your attitude is shocking, just shocking.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

What the HELL is wrong with you!?! Your wife was raped, which made her fearful of all men. She was scared to tell you (We can all see why. Nothing can be about her. It's all about your pwecious wittle feewings). She NEVER wanted to be raped again so she never told you "no" to remove the possibility that it could happen. Instead of talking to your W about her change in sexual behavior, you kept using her get your fill. Nevermind wanting her to actually enjoy sex. NOW you can't handle it?!? She was RAPED, you heartless ****. 

Crossing my fingers that you're trolling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## randomtxguy (Sep 24, 2011)

TheBiz said:


> Damn! As some of you posted.. there was something else going on. As randomtxguy said, I brought this up at our MC session.
> 
> It took well over the hour of booked time, and this MC charges to the moon for OT... but at least we got to the nitty gritty... I'm so f'ing angry and confused!
> 
> ...


First of all, it's a very good thing that you now know what's going on.

Second, it is horrific what happened to your wife and you. The fact that she kept this from you for so long must be difficult to deal with and anger is certainly an understandable and expected emotion.

With that said, I don't mean to judge but want to be honest: you seem to have lost sight of what's really important here. Your wife was attacked. She did not do this to you, the man who raped her did. If your wife had been hit by a car and was paralyzed from the waist down, would you be worrying about her being "spoiled", or just concerned for her safety? How is this different? While this has clearly affected you, try to image what she went through and the hell that she has endured since this happened. That torment is partly of her own making, but it has been her torment first and foremost.

I wish you and your wife the best of luck and sincerely hope that you can both work through this. Remember the important thing is that you now know what the problem is, so maybe you can address it.


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## randomtxguy (Sep 24, 2011)

To those of you on the boards expressing your disgust and anger at the OP's recent behavior, please try to be constructive. He has enough anger and resentment already, there's no need to antagonize him in this situation. That's just my opinion, but I thought it was worth sharing.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

randomtxguy said:


> To those of you on the boards expressing your disgust and anger at the OP's recent behavior, please try to be constructive. He has enough anger and resentment already, there's no need to antagonize him in this situation. That's just my opinion, but I thought it was worth sharing.



You have no idea the horror a woman goes through when raped. For the OP to refer to his W as "spoiled" is unfathomable. I was raped and I didn't tell anyone for 4yrs after it happened. I still deal with the shame and disgust brought upon me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## randomtxguy (Sep 24, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> You have no idea the horror a woman goes through when raped. For the OP to refer to his W as "spoiled" is unfathomable. I was raped and I didn't tell anyone for 4yrs after it happened. I still deal with the shame and disgust brought upon me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Pidge,

You are correct, I have no idea the horror that a woman goes through when she is raped and pray that my wife will never go through that. 

If you read my previous post, I agree that calling his wife "spoiled" was not the best course of action. However, I tried to do so in a constructive manner, compared to admonishing his behavior. 

To be clear, it's my opinion that beating the guy up over what he said doesn't necessarily help anyone. The theory is that it's better to have him engaged in trying to change his perspective and address his marital issues than to belabor the point that his reaction on the board was out of line. If he's looking for help, it's my opinion that the community should rally to provide it.

Of course, everyone is welcome to their own opinion and I support their right to voice their opinions on this thread. It was only my intent to try to steer the discussion in a constructive manner, rather than trying to digress from the core issues of the OP's problems. Best wishes.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I hope you can see that your wife felt like she couldn't tell you about her rape. You said you guys never really talked and that you always wanted to be left alone at home, so it doesn't suprpise me that your wife felt that she couldn't share this with you. Your wife and you are BOTH responsible for this. 

The fact that your wife is getting two different types of therapy to address the rape and her marriage to you says a lot about her character. She's working hard! What are you doing to improve the marriage? You admit that for years you were not a good husband, so clearly there is work that you need to be doing on your end. It's not all up to your wife to make your marriage work. Owning your $hit will go a long way in helping your wife trust you more.

Regarding the rape, I'd like for you to imagine what it would be like if some hulking guy jumped you in a parking lot at night and anally raped you. Imagine how it would feel to have your a$$ torn while you helplessly have to take it. Imagine what it would do to your mind and your emotions to have some strange guy's semen dripping out of your bruised body. Would that be easy to get over? Would that be easy to talk to your wife about? And how would you feel about your wife if you knew she was thinking "That spoiled hubby. I want to get laid and he can't even get it up since the rape. It's been a year for heaven's sake! I think I might divorce him." 

Don't you think your wife can sense your lack of sensitivity and patience? I'm guessing she can.

Yes, it is normal to want and expect sex with your spouse. However, in reading your posts, you seem to gloss over the many years you were a terrible husband and focus on your needs. You don't even ask what you should be doing to help the marriage. 

I hope you can take an honest look at the part you have played in this unhappy marriage. If I were you I would want to know why my wife didn't trust me enough to come to me for support and love during her hour of greatest need. 

You have an opportunity to become the husband your wife deserves and needs! Take it!


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> I hope you can see that your wife felt like she couldn't tell you about her rape. You said you guys never really talked and that you always wanted to be left alone at home, so it doesn't suprpise me that your wife felt that she couldn't share this with you. Your wife and you are BOTH responsible for this.
> 
> The fact that your wife is getting two different types of therapy to address the rape and her marriage to you says a lot about her character. She's working hard! What are you doing to improve the marriage? You admit that for years you were not a good husband, so clearly there is work that you need to be doing on your end. It's not all up to your wife to make your marriage work. Owning your $hit will go a long way in helping your wife trust you more.
> 
> ...



:iagree: Awesome post!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## randomtxguy (Sep 24, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> :iagree: Awesome post!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## TheBiz (Oct 10, 2011)

Update -

Thanks for the insight... perhaps my choice of word sucked, but it's what I think/feel. 

I will try out this councelling thing for a couple of more times, but I don't think I can get over it... and frankly, I don't think she will get over her issue either anytime soon. I just can't see myself waiting 1 year let alone 4 years!! 

The doc mentioned to get tested for STD's, I will to make sure I'm clean, but if I'm not, I know where it came from... I hope to hell I am clean, else I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do! 
Just would pile up the anger on the 'spoiled/dirty' pile of the woman. I know its not her fault... but I know it aint my fault if I get some disease either!

What other woman would want a diseased man anyways... I'd be screwed either way!


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

TheBiz said:


> Update -
> 
> Thanks for the insight... perhaps my choice of word sucked, but it's what I think/feel.
> 
> ...



Your sense of empathy is overwhelming.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

As a woman who is a sexual assault survivor. Your attitude toward your wife's trauma is disgusting.

Spoiled? Dirty? I am ashamed to share the same forum space with you at this point and no I have no urge to be constructive with you as was suggested.

It's attitudes like yours that cause survivors of sexual assault and rape to not come forward. No wonder she didn't tell you, she didn't feel safe enough to do so.

Nice attitude.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I think you guys are misunderstanding Biz`s latest post.

I took the quote ...



> Just would pile up the anger on the 'spoiled/dirty' pile of the woman.


To mean his having an STD would just be one more thing his wife will use to reinforce her belief that sex is "bad".

TheBiz doesn`t sound any too PC but I really think his bluntness is being a bit misconstrued in this thread.

The biggest problem I see with this whole story is that his wife is so disconnected from him she couldn`t even tell him about being raped.
If in fact she was raped.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

randomtxguy said:


> To those of you on the boards expressing your disgust and anger at the OP's recent behavior, please try to be constructive. He has enough anger and resentment already, there's no need to antagonize him in this situation. That's just my opinion, but I thought it was worth sharing.


We are allowed to express anger and disgust. This is an open forum. 

If he doesn't want to read opinions, he should not have posted.

It seems like the OP's wife has every reason to believe, that her husband would not be understanding. There is a self centred lack of compassion, which is tragic and disturbing. The poor woman goes through a horrible experience, only to have her husband blame her and get angry. The OP seems like such a _prize_. 

I was in a sexually and emotionally abusive relationship for two years. He was 13 years my senior and he was taking advantage of my naivete and my timidity; I was a very sheltered 20 year old. I used to ask this fool how he enjoyed sex, when it was clear that I was only giving in to escape being called names or not being allowed to sleep until I had sex. This person became very angry when I asked him such questions; guess he didn't want to feel like a rapist. I appreciated the way he took me out of my shell and showed me the "big city." However, I found this dude incredibly ugly. 

I know how it feels to have self esteem robbed by abuse. Women who get involved with manipulative sorts already have very little self love...the abuse is a sick self fullfilling prophecy. That is why the OP's wife has not left.


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## randomtxguy (Sep 24, 2011)

CantePe said:


> As a woman who is a sexual assault survivor. Your attitude toward your wife's trauma is disgusting.
> 
> Spoiled? Dirty? I am ashamed to share the same forum space with you at this point and no I have no urge to be constructive with you as was suggested.
> 
> ...


:iagree: 

After leading the push for constructive responses, I agree that your continued use of the terms 'Spoiled' and 'Dirty' to describe your wife are vulgar, offensive, and repulsive. You don't seem to be looking for advice or help on the forum, but a place to vent, place blame, and look for support to cheat/get out of your marriage in the original post. I for one am through following this thread, and wish you the best of luck. Re-read this thread from the beginning and take a good hard look at yourself, you need it. I also hope your wife is able to work through her problems with or without you and realize that she can still be a vibrant, strong woman.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> We are allowed to express anger and disgust. This is an open forum.
> 
> If he doesn't want to read opinions, he should not have posted.
> 
> ...


I was 9 years old when I was sexually assaulted by a so called "friend" of the family. I was 14 when I came forward and told my mother and only by accident. I know how you feel. I know how the OP's wife feels. I know what it's like to have your self esteem kicked in the teeth, to be brought down and made to feel worthless and dirty.

Thankfully, I have a very supportive husband whom I told the very first month we started dating. The first man I ever told right off the bat and I don't regret that one bit. That was my way of freeing myself from the trauma, from the pain and anxiety of being a victim and becoming the strong, out spoken survivor I am today who is a mother of *5* kids, a wife of almost 14 yrs and an advocate of child sexual assault survivors and women rape survivors.

In a dark and strange way my trauma made me who I am today, not that I'd wish it on anyone ever or even want to ever experience something like that again but that's the truth of it. I am who I am today because of it.


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

What a woman sees in a man like the OP, I will never know.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Ugh. The OP is really disgusting. Notice all of his posts are about HIM and what HE wants and what HE needs? Sociopathic narcissist much?:scratchhead:

I hope he divorces his wife asap. She deserves to be with someone who has at least some degree of humanity.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> Ugh. The OP is really disgusting. Notice all of his posts are about HIM and what HE wants and what HE needs? Sociopathic narcissist much?:scratchhead:
> 
> I hope he divorces his wife asap. She deserves to be with someone who has at least some degree of humanity.


:iagree::iagree:Yup. With the right help and a supportive partner, she has a chance at getting better and being happy.


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## Onedery (Sep 22, 2011)

My ex used to say that sex was the only thing I ever thought about. My reply would be "that's because I'm required to think about it for two people since she never initiated sexual involvement between the two of us". Of course, I much later found out she thought about it a lot. Only it was never with me.
Regarding rape, if women think it's hard to cope with such abuse, how hard do they think it is for men to deal with given that the plumbing isn't constructed for it?
If people are to improve their lot and find a way to enjoy life, they need to give emphasis toward those who choose to treat them well and give total disregard those who wish them harm.
As far as physical contact between spouses goes, if it's going to be good, it will be so if you give as well as you get.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Onedery said:


> My ex used to say that sex was the only thing I ever thought about. My reply would be "that's because I'm required to think about it for two people since she never initiated sexual involvement between the two of us". Of course, I much later found out she thought about it a lot. Only it was never with me.
> Regarding rape, if women think it's hard to cope with such abuse, how hard do they think it is for men to deal with given that the plumbing isn't constructed for it?
> If people are to improve their lot and find a way to enjoy life, they need to give emphasis toward those who choose to treat them well and give total disregard those who wish them harm.
> As far as physical contact between spouses goes, if it's going to be good, it will be so if you give as well as you get.


Obviously you've never had the unfortunate "luxury" of being violated. You really think that it can be healed that easily? Do you even understand what being violating means or feels like?

Until you have walked a mile in the shoes of someone who has been raped or sexually assaulted you have no say in the matter either way.

Would you say something similar to a child who was raped by a pedophile? Basically what you are saying here in so many words is "husband didn't hurt you so suck it up and give it up to him". It's not that simple at all.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Onedery, did you really just imply that women have the right body parts for rape?


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

In my opinon, is what he fails to realize is at his beggining post is that he was concerned about how he had neglected his wife in the attention department. He never touched her only to get sex. He even said she did have sex with him but she turned her head and closed her eyes. Now that he knows the reason as to why she did this, it wasnt because of his neglect of her, it was because she was rapped. She didnt willing give her rappist her body he took it from her. And even thou this caused her severe trama, she willing lay there and gave you her hubby, the one she loves, her body. And you still feel that you lost somthing.. How many women would endure such trama time after time because she didnt want to deny you anything. This said a whole lot about her and her feeling toward you. Maybe you should return the favor/love and be her rock, her safty zone, her emotional supporter. Yes it is a shock to you, but think of what she endured but still gave the one thing that was taken from her to you.. Her body! Love her unconditionally like she has you and work thru this together... you said you two was making some small progress, holding hands, slight touches and she wasnt fliching anymore.. She was feeling loved, safe keep being there for eachother dont go back on the progress you have already made. She been thru alot dont make her feel that her being rapped is making her loose you aswell, its obvious she endured alot of the physical part between you and her because she didnt want to loose you... Think about it!


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## Jefro (Oct 26, 2011)

I just cannot believe what i have read. Never has such selfishness, ill found anger, egotism, pig headedness and insensitivity been taken in by my eyes. It took nothing but the first post for me to see it. He was talking about divorcing her because of a problem he caused. thats like stealing from someone, then coming back later and killing them cause they didnt have enough for you to steal. She wanted to get it fixed but all he could think about was himself and when he would get laid again. I am so infuriated at this that that is parading around as a man. I think he even talked about tracking down the rapist just so he dont sound so bad, and he even came up with an excuse not to do it right after he typed it. albeit, its a good excuse, but don't come up with a reason not to in the same sentence. Talking about a spoiled/diry wife.... None of this would have happened if he had been acting the way a husband should from the begining. I am not saying the rape wouldn't have happened, but she would have been able to talk to him, got into therapy sooner, and it would have been dealt with properly. instead she married the most heartless and selfish person in creation. I need to stop.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Thebiz- You haven't posted anything in the last few days, and I can't say I blame you. You may not even be reading this thread any more with the venom being sent your way, but I will put out the following, in case you are. 

Rape is a horrific trauma for any woman to endure. As you are finding out, it's not a pleasant experience for the husband, either. You describe yourself as an average Joe kind of guy, which includes a sense of being your wife's protector and defender. So to find out that your wife has been raped attacks your base self-image as a husband. Feelings of rage are not unusual. Sorry to disappoint the ladies here, but anger at your wife is not unusual, either.

You ask yourself questions like, "Why didn't she fight the bastard?" and "How could she be so stupid to put herself in that position?" It's REALLY IMPORTANT to realize that, while these feelings towards her may exist, they are wrong! Your wife has been victimized in perhaps the most terrible way possible.

Schedule yourself some personal therapy to help you work through this thing, because your wife needs you in the worst possible way. And you need to be there for her.

Now. Time for me to poke the female bears, by not totally excusing every thing your wife ever did because she was raped.

While your wife did a good thing by scheduling marriage counseling, she did a perfectly abysmal job of working with the therapist to identify the problem. If I went to MC for a year to try and get my wife to warm up to sex, only to find out AFTER A YEAR that she had been raped, I would be pretty angry at her. MC is the place where you TALK ABOUT THAT KIND OF ****. You've been slammed for being an insensitive *******, over your response to SOMETHING YOU JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT. She's now had years to deal with the event, you've had less than a week.

And, by the way, I compliment you on actually GOING to MC for a year, and working slowly on problems in your marriage. Many guys would have given up awhile back, which seems to have escaped the posters who are busy calling you a lout. Heck, a lot of guys won't go to MC at all, much less work towards improving the relationship on a continuing basis.

You indicate the rape happened some time ago, and that your sex life deteriorated as a result (although, again, you just found out why). Separate from taking a year in MC to bring it up, your wife handled it poorly before that- instead of getting it out in the open, she hid it, and started hating you for not noticing it, and for being an inconsiderate lover, and all kinds of other stuff, until she can't stand having sex with you. Now, maybe you are an uncommunicative jerk, and rape is, once again, a horrific trauma, but it was up to your wife to expose it, and get it out in the open where it could be worked through. She didn't do that, and she may have had good reasons in her own mind, but those reasons led to her hating sex and damaging the marriage, and both of you. She could have done better.

That's in the past. She is not spoiled, or dirty, or unworthy. She is still the woman who takes good care of your children, fixes you tasty meals, and makes sure you have clean socks. She still volunteers at the local school and keeps your home clean. She is your WIFE, and she needs your help.

You are both dealing with the unthinkable. You have been a stoic, strong husband for a long time. You need to be that for your wife now. She did not get raped to hurt you. So stop thinking she did.

I think you can give her the help she needs to make it through the echoes of this thing, and come out of it with your marriage intact.

Now go do better.


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## Onedery (Sep 22, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> Onedery, did you really just imply that women have the right body parts for rape?


What I am "implying" is that MEN certainly lack the plumbing for getting raped and there's more than a few men who did have it happen in childhood as well as more than a few who suffered while incarcerated regardless of guilt or innocence.
In THEIR case, they are expected to deal with it on their own since society doesn't seem to relish the emphthy on them as is done with the "weaker gender".


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Onedery said:


> What I am "implying" is that MEN certainly lack the plumbing for getting raped and there's more than a few men who did have it happen in childhood as well as more than a few who suffered while incarcerated regardless of guilt or innocence.
> In THEIR case, they are expected to deal with it on their own since society doesn't seem to relish the emphthy on them as is done with the "weaker gender".


Excuse me, all victims of rape regardless of gender or age should not be made to endure by themselves. As a woman I am in no way, shape or form the "weaker gender".

Aren't you so full of stereotypes.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

He's full of something alright.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

NotLikeYou said:


> Thebiz- You haven't posted anything in the last few days, and I can't say I blame you. You may not even be reading this thread any more with the venom being sent your way, but I will put out the following, in case you are.
> 
> Rape is a horrific trauma for any woman to endure. As you are finding out, it's not a pleasant experience for the husband, either. You describe yourself as an average Joe kind of guy, which includes a sense of being your wife's protector and defender. So to find out that your wife has been raped attacks your base self-image as a husband. Feelings of rage are not unusual. Sorry to disappoint the ladies here, but anger at your wife is not unusual, either.
> 
> ...


Really? She did poorly? I was 9 when I was assaulted, 14 when I became strong enough and found the courage to speak about it. That's 5 years of hiding it and dealing with it by myself AS A FEMALE CHILD.

I keep saying, until you have actually experienced the trauma you have no idea how to deal with it or how to feel about it.

The way he is acting here is extremely telling, go read his other threads where he complains about what he wants, how he wants it and when. He basically wants her to jump when, how, and for what when he says so and ask on the way up.

If he presents like that here ...who's to say he doesn't present that in his relationship. 

Besides (as I am guilty above of this as well) you are assuming her situation with her husband from the one sidedness of his post with no input from her (again I did so for him above without her input too but he presents as very selfish here).

I completely utterly disagree with you when it comes to his wife and her therapy and how she handled it. As for him going to therapy with her..that may also have been a catalyst for hiding it. If she felt uncomfortable and unsafe to share with him at home how the heck would she feel comfortable and safe in a therapy environment with his presence there?

There is shame, guilt, feelings of dirtiness, extreme self esteem issues, pain and suffering in silence for most assault and rape victims. The pain of physical humiliation and the ripping of ones own power and control from them in such a physical manner cannot be put into words...it cannot be explained to those who have never felt it or experienced it.

For child victims it can take years and years, sometimes a lifetime to heal just enough to function from a trauma like this. Most don't heal fully, a good majority NEVER heal from it.

If you want to get a small feel for how it affects people, go to a women's victim shelter and ask to work with women or volunteer with women who have been assaulted or raped. Or go to a support group for victims of rape or sexual assault and sit and listen. I don't mean just hear them, really listen and watch them.

That's only a small insight into the trauma and pain this can cause.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

CantePe said:


> Really? She did poorly? I was 9 when I was assaulted, 14 when I became strong enough and found the courage to speak about it. That's 5 years of hiding it and dealing with it by myself AS A FEMALE CHILD.
> 
> I keep saying, until you have actually experienced the trauma you have no idea how to deal with it or how to feel about it.
> 
> ...



I was 14 when I was raped and 18 when I finally told someone. I feel for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> I was 14 when I was raped and 18 when I finally told someone. I feel for you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This seems to be a general handling by most women of any age when it comes to sexual assault or rape. Years go by before they say something about it. Most never report it, ever.

The stats are skewed on rape and assaults per annum because (IMO this next statement) at least 2\3rds of women who are raped or sexually assaulted at any age DO NOT REPORT to the local PD or authorities.

I never did. He got away with it.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

There is more than one tragedy here. And that is very, very unfortunate.

To the OP, I hope that both you and your wife can find a way to recover from what has happened ... regardless if you remain a couple.

But the arc of this discussion cannot lead anywhere healthy.

Closing thread.


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