# She still has the same problems, and they've even made a few friends.



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I was hearing through the grapevine today from someone who had been speaking with my STBX. He told me that she isn't really happy with the separation, and that all of her problems are still pretty much there. She said that she isn't any happier without me.

In truth, my life is easier separated. I am freed up to train, read, exercise, and travel, but I never wanted easy. I miss my kids, and I even miss my wife.

My question is do I approach her and allow her to save face, or do I wait for her to completely break and come to me on my terms? She has been beyond horrible to me during this entire divorce process, so do I even take her back at all? I know she is angry and hurt, but I know she is also afraid.

I am thinking about having my attorney see if her lawyer is interested in rescinding, or at least stalling the processing of the petition for divorce. 

I still do love her. I guess a part of me will always love her. We have been together since we were 18. We've had 6 kids together. We've been through the military. We've been through years of grueling school. Long medical rotations. 10 years ago we started a clinic, and 1 year ago we expanded into another one, and now nothing...I have a hard time coming to grips with that.

I'll continue to pray on this, but as God has been quiet thus far; your advice is welcome as well.

LIL


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

lastinline:

I understand where you are...

My ex still isn't in a better place 4 months after the divorce. I am doing terrific though, in spite of the last 1.5 years of separation and divorce that I fought/didn't want.

There are no easy answers but live your life with no regrets! That is how I saw my marriage. I was willing to do what I could and walk away knowing that I tried it all! ALL! Did I mention trying it all??!! haha

Anyway, I did the allow him to "break" and come back to me. He never totally "broke." Sometimes, he was hanging on by a thread.

Then, I approached him in many ways...lawyers, friends, family. Nothing.

The fact is, in my best girlfriend's wisdom, she reminded me "S...if he wants back, in your life, he will reach out." He never did.

No regrets last.


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## peacefully (Nov 13, 2009)

LIL, I can only partially understand what you are going through- as I don't have children. However I was in love with someone who was/is unstable and who treated me terribly. My EX was also capable of being very kind and loving though and we did have lots of great times (especially in the beginning) and we also had some good times in during the phases of trying to reconcile- the "honeymoon" periods... In the long run though, he would revert back to inevitably being himself, and I had seen the light of knowing what it was like to not be living with a fundamentally damaged person, and the light of what it was like to feel like I could live the kind of life that I wanted- free to be myself, in many ways that I just could never be with my EX. In my situation, I didn't divorce my EX because there was a lack of love, I divorced him to be able to be healthy and true to myself.
I do understand how difficult it is to cut the cord from a person whom you love and the person you have built a life with.
A shared history is hard to leave- but don't get so enamored with the past, that you forget about the future.
A part of you WILL always love her and this transition is a very difficult one- there is a mourning process that you have to go through...


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

LIL,

IMO it isn't whether she will "break" or not "break" it is more fundamental than that. You've said previously that she needs to change. And only she can do that for herself. You've tried with her, but she needs to realize she needs to change to find her own happiness. It isn't your job to rescue her from herself -- she is an adult, maybe not a mature adult but how else will she mature if not left to stand on her own two feet. 

I would treat her with unconditional love until she sees the light. Just my humble opinion.

Peace.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Truly a tough situation for you to deal with LIL but my gut reaction was to not reach out to her. While you may feel remorse, pity or love don't forget the things she put you through out of spite. The restraining order, the dog.... Maybe she'll turn back to you maybe not but sometimes people have to hit bottom and live in the gutter for a while before they really change. Corpus and I have both been supporters of Tough Love on occasion and in some cases it works. Good luck on whatever you decide.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> LIL,
> 
> IMO it isn't whether she will "break" or not "break" it is more fundamental than that. You've said previously that she needs to change. And only she can do that for herself. You've tried with her, but she needs to realize she needs to change to find her own happiness. It isn't your job to rescue her from herself -- she is an adult, maybe not a mature adult but how else will she mature if not left to stand on her own two feet.
> 
> ...


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: QTF (quoted for truth) 

This pretty much sums it up. She very much needs to change, and for her to change, she has to see she has a problem and want to change...and then make the effort to actually do something different! She'll have to practice, do it wrong and try again. And once she has demonstrated actual change for a period of time, then you two might be ready for a relationship. 

I agree with treating her with love, and I could even see having your lawyer speak to her lawyer requesting a one year legal separation. That way it's not a divorce but things are legally defined and there's some level of safety/protection for everyone's sake (yours and hers and the kids'). Yes it's a stall tactic but sometimes that's the time she needs to see that life without you isn't better and get the kick in the heiney to change.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Feelingalone said:


> LIL,
> 
> IMO it isn't whether she will "break" or not "break" it is more fundamental than that. You've said previously that she needs to change. And only she can do that for herself. You've tried with her, but she needs to realize she needs to change to find her own happiness. It isn't your job to rescue her from herself -- she is an adult, maybe not a mature adult but how else will she mature if not left to stand on her own two feet.
> 
> ...


I think this is great advice. However, I also know her well enough to know that she is currently incapable of any "real" change. 

I think for my own self-preservation, I need to start moving beyond this, and just focus on "getting on" with my own life. I need to to accept that it is what it is, and put hope to bed. It seems fairly obvious that if she wanted me as her husband she wouldn't have filed for a divorce. 

Tomorrow I meet with my lawyer. I think I'll ask him what I can do to "fast track" this whole process. 

LIL


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Yes - i agree



amplexor said:


> truly a tough situation for you to deal with lil but my gut reaction was to not reach out to her. While you may feel remorse, pity or love don't forget the things she put you through out of spite. The restraining order, the dog.... Maybe she'll turn back to you maybe not but sometimes people have to hit bottom and live in the gutter for a while before they really change. Corpus and i have both been supporters of tough love on occasion and in some cases it works. Good luck on whatever you decide.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Life was probably a little easier when she had a punching bag and someone to blame - you.

She doesn't have that readily available any longer. She has to deal with the fact that she isn't 'whole'. She needs to identify and take steps toward making herself whole.That is certainly not something that you can remedy, nor should you try.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Deejo said:


> Life was probably a little easier when she had a punching bag and someone to blame - you.
> 
> She doesn't have that readily available any longer. She has to deal with the fact that she isn't 'whole'. She needs to identify and take steps toward making herself whole.That is certainly not something that you can remedy, nor should you try.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My lawyer agrees with my thoughts on fast tracking the divorce. He is also going to introduce a motion for a minors assessment in which our older children will be allowed to have their "say" regarding our two very different parenting styles.

I am not the source of all evil in her universe, and I believe she is starting to see this for herself. However, her latest take/rationalization of the situation is that "I've wanted a divorce all along anyway." 

I can't say that that statement started out true, but I'm finding that I love her less and less every week. I am super close to hitting my fail-safe point. I can now easily see myself being quite happy without her in the future. I just need a stable, productive, loving partner, and sadly she's nowhere even close to meeting my "job requirements". It would be a pleasant surprise if she'd at least accuse me of things I actually did.

How is everyone else dealing with clinically depressed spouses? After 4 or so years; I'm just completely worn down by her. Thanks for your advice Deejo, you're right I really can't do anything more for her. It's sad, but the rest of the journey she's going to have to make alone.

LIL


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I thought my wife was depressed. We see the same therapist, so I discussed it at length with her. Therapist summed it up well. She told me, "I don't think she is depressed. She is avoidant. Anything that she has the potential to fail at or be criticized for, she avoids or deflects."
So ... What this meant was the more I reached out and offered help, basically the more I enabled the issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Everything I'm hearing in your first post in this thread is your biological pair bond speaking. It's the same thing that makes a battered woman go back to the man that beat her. I'm sure you'd advocate her not returning to him.

In time and specially if you have a relationship with someone else, that pair bond heart string tug will diminish.

On a rational level you know you're better off without her.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I think change is the operative word here.

If you did reconcile, what would change? Anything? I think you are right - it's very difficult for anyone to change. But. . .but. . .I think being through the trials of divorce does change anyone. . .so your wife probably is changed to a certain degree - a reprioritizing she has probably done of wha'ts importnat and what she's about.

Maybe your wife glamorized divorce, glamorized or romanticized what the outcome would be like and it hasn't worked out quite that way.

But I don't know. . .I sense the love. . .is it possible to reach a middle ground compromise like you initially suggested - explore life apart and each decide on their own if it's for you? A "armistice" if nothing else?

Anyway, I'll leave you with this parable:

_A man climbed to the top of the mountain to ask a wise guru why he was so unhappy. 

The wise guru said, "I know the source of your unhappiness. Everyone in life has 83 problems. You, in fact, have 84 problems, an extra one."

The man replied, "Oh well that's just great. Just my luck - I get an extra problem. And just exactly what is that problem?'

The guru replied, "Your extra problem in life is you feel you shouldn't have 83 problems."_

And that is ultimately the source of your wife's unhappiness.


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## peacefully (Nov 13, 2009)

Atholk and Scannerguard- I just wanted to say, great advice and counsel, very wise!


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