# Getting married in 5 weeks!!!!Desperately need advice!!!



## NervousBride (Feb 2, 2012)

Hi,

I'm new here.I'm getting married in 5 weeks, and I really need advice. Firstly let me be the first to say that I know this is completely irrational, and stuid, but it doesn't change the way I feel about it. I am extremely uncertain about my fiance's feelings towards me, and jealous - all because he was married before. He was married before for a year, and they got divorced because she had several affairs. 3years after their divorce, we met and we got engaged last year, our wedding is in 5 weeks.
The reason for my jealousy and uncertainty is several things - she was married to him first - and I can't help feeling like second best. I keep thinking(stupid I know)- that if she didn't have affairs,he wouldn't even have noticed me. His family dislikes her a lot - because of what she did(except for the affairs, she constantly manipulated him with suicide attempts, when he wanted to leave her after an affair). I know I am a better person and will be a better wive - I look after him, I love him deeply & spoil him often. He told me several times that I am the love of his life- but I keep thinking that they share all those first times. They have had no contact since their seperation - yet I still find myself comparing myself to her in every way.I feel like I am not good enough for him, because I she was thinner(slightly but still), she had a better tan than me, she had blue eyes, I have green eyes.Everything about her physical appearance seems better to me.She is an outgoing person - am am not,she has confidence about herself, I don't. I can't help but wonder- Is he going to remeber his first wedding- and think it was better,his first honeymoon? Does he look at me and think she was skinnier? I feel so stupid for feeling like this. I have a 4 year old son- that my fiance is taking as his own & he loves my boy dearly.I know this must have been hard on him,since he has no children- I know I have my past too, but I wasn't married before,my boy's biological father is not involved in his life- he wants no part of it and has never visited or called- so we kind of have a "clean start" on that - he can ( and wants to and acts like) my sons dad.I just feel like I might not be the love of his life,because he married someone else before. What's adding to my insecurities, is that he's family (in a good way),also makes constant comparisons about me and her.They will make comparisons about everything! "Oh, I see you like working in the garden - she never did! I'm so glad your in his life!" -I know it's meant to be a complement- but I can't help feeling that "the competition is on"- I have to be better, and do better thatn she did at everything. I feel so stupid - I should be excited about the wedding, and our relationship is wonderful.Why can't I get over this- he has no issues with my past. I also feel that she might have been more "fun" for him and that I might bore him to death later - as I am extremely honest,and quiet. He keeps telling me she means nothing to him, and he (and his friends and family) tells me that he was given an ultimatum by her and thats why he married her- that he told them minutes before the wedding he dooesn't know if he could go through with it. With our wedding - he has been involved from the start - going shopping with me,helping with everything, he tells me ever day how excited he is - we planned a extended honeymoon together - and he tells me I'm the most beautiful woman. His family and friends always complements me whenever they see me, that he is so much more relaxed, friendly and that he is actually getting out of the house,being social, and talking and just seems happy.In the six years that they were together (including 5 years of dating and one year of marriage), he was unsociable,reserved,kept to himselfand had a very bad temper. They also remindme that while they were dating before they got married, they broke the relationship of a few times, and he dated other people, as to tell me she wasn't that special. Sorry for the long post! Please advice me - I know I'm sounding like a pain in the ass - but thats how I feel -I'd like to put this behind me - fast- so we can enjoy our wedding and marriage:scratchhead:!!!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

On the surface it seems that you are very insecure. Almost like you are tryng to prepare yourself for failure. 

It seems like he's such a nice guy and things are so good. His ex sounds like a bad person who he made a terrible mistake with. Why don't you compare youself with the worst of who she was.

I believe that a person is really only as good as the worst thing they do.... a beautify, outgoing woman becomes ugly in the mind's eye when we also find out that the's a liar and a cheater. It no longer matters that she's beautiful. The beauty is wasted on her.

Every time you think of something about here to compare youself to... think... "she was thinner than I am.. but she cheated so who cares."


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

It appears to me you are working things up in your mind that has no business being there at all. From all you have shared, he didn't even want to marry her !! kept breaking it off, an ultimatum was given, he wanted to run... and he hasn't seen her in years to boot. 

It appears you are wishing you were his 1st, living the fairy tale somehow.... look you have your son, he was not your 1st either, sounds like you both had a horrible 1st --which makes the 2nd all the more sweeter. 

Seriously, life is what we make of it, sounds you dearly love & cherish him and he feels the same about you ...when I first saw this thread, I thought I may have to warn someone.....don't go through with it!! So often it does sound like a trainwreck.

--- but this is not the case at all... You are simply allowing your head to interfere with the beauty that is right there in front of you, soon to be in 5 weeks, don't allow yourself to get caught up in these comparisons.

So what, she was pretty, big freaking deal... she also was a menace , a serial cheater, manipulator, suicidal, he didn't even want to marry her !! and you think their honeymoon might have been better, how so ? Come on now, get ahold of yourself, what in the world is there to be jealous of over all that crap, I am sure he looks at her with disgust, his biggest mistake in life....blessid freedom to be loosed from her destructive grip. 

No Honey, you are a breath of fresh air to him, trust his words, let them sink in, these are the best days of your life, enjoy them, do not allow this to cloud your head, or interfere with your heart , there is no reason to feel insecure here. 

Tons of people get it wrong the 1st time around, my own parents did... Match made in hell... My step mother was #2 to my father, purely a match that was meant to be! .... they are like glue.... my mother was much prettier than her, but my dad didn't care, my mother was a mess, they didn't have anything in common- at all, married too early , she too niave. 

Just sayin... Many times 2nd is Best. And sometimes we're alot more wiser the 2nd time around too.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

In the end he did make a choice. He left her and found you. She may have came first but she didn't end up with him. To him you are the better option, that's what is most important.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> I'd like to put this behind me - fast- so we can enjoy our wedding and marriage


Then that's what you do. You have very childish reasons for the way you're thinking, so don't try to justify them. Grow up.

Sorry for being blunt, but come on!


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## NervousBride (Feb 2, 2012)

Thank you all for your input!! As for being childish - you are not in my shoes and have no idea what it feels like. Before you call somebody childish maybe walk a mile in their shoes. "Growing up" is not the problem - even woman of 30, 40, or 80 wants to be sure of the feelings of the man in their life. Have your "mother-in-law-to-be" ever called you by your husband/fiance/boyfriends' ex's name regularly - has she introduced you to friends of the family by his ex's name? Have you heard - every day(yes every day) - by friends and family the one comparison-between you and the ex-after the other?
Has his family shown you their wedding photo's and given you details about every part of their wedding day and then compared it to your own wedding that you are planning? Have you felt like you are living in the shadow of his ex wive to that extend that people still - after 3 years - call you by her name sometimes. Can you hang a curtain in the house/buy a dog/work in the garden /enroll for a course without that being compared to what seh did or did not do? Well I can't. Is his family constantly talking about you as his "2nd girl/wive"? Are they telling you that your wedding should be small because he already had a big wedding? Are they comparing honeymoon destinations? Are they argueing about whether you should have a kitchen tea or not because he was already married - and this is a 2nd marriage - even though I wasn't married before? I'm sick of being compared with her- and I'm sick of myself comparing myself to her. I honestly wish I could just "grow up" to make this dissapear - but you know what - growing up is not the problem!!!! The issue is that I can't put it behind me while its in my face and rubbed under my nose daily. I'mnot being childish- I just want to be me - I don't want to be compared,and compare myself to her- I feel like I'm drowning in her shadow - and I don't want to say "I do" to a lifetime of comparisons and being 2nd best.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

You'll get over it after your married. It might take a year or two. My husband's first wife was absolutely beautiful, but that was only on the outside. She was very ugly on the inside. When she found out that he was dating me, she tried her best to get him back. I saw a letter she wrote when I moved in. I threw it away with the pictures of her that were in a box.

Don't worry! Your fiancé loves you not her! Get her out of your mind and live a happy marriage! That's what I'm doing! It's been 12 years now since I married my husband!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Get into therapy to figure out why your self-esteem is so low. Why you think so little of yourself, why you are so jealous of his ex-wife. 

Has this been a pattern in your life before? In past relationships? Not thinking you are good enough? Being jealous over someone's past relationships? Thinking you are inadequate as a woman/partner/etc? 

Your insecurities will destroy your relationship if you don't nip this in the bud. 

His ex-wife was his first wife...nothing that happens now in his life will ever change that. You asked if he would remember his first wedding and honeymoon--of course he will. It's part of his history/past/life, etc. The fact is, he married her, it didn't work out, they divorced and now he's with you. His ex-wife probably wasn't a demon (as no doubt she prob had some good things about her - no one is all good/all bad) but ultimately, it was not in the cards for them. 

You need to accept that.

Re: his family--tell them point blank you don't appreciate them comparing you to her at every turn. Call them out on it. Problem resolved.


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## NervousBride (Feb 2, 2012)

Thank you Jellybeans. No she wasn't just bad - about one month before our engagement she called out of the blue, asking him forgiveness, and a second chance. He refused,saying he was happy in our relationship. She wanted to talk to me and I really didn't find her awfull, I found her friendly. I'll admit that I the biggest problem is my self esteem - I always feel less beautiful, less worthy than anybody else. My life was not perfect before- I was raped at 14(more than 10 years ago),and even though I was not overly confident about myself before that it seemed to get worse after that.I had a breakdown after this incident,was hospitalised in a psyciatrical ward for 2 weeks. Afterwards I picked up my life as best as I could. I'm still not confident about myself,and doubt myself in a lot of areas sometimes - work, family,motherhood, my relationship with my fiance- and not all of this has to do with that incident - I guess after a while it just became a way of thinking. The jealousy of previous partners has not happened before in other relationships, I never felt the need to compete in other relationships. At first in our relationship I hardly ever thought about her- untill somebody would mention her, and forget about it afterwards. As the relationship grew more serious, the comparisons didn't fall on deaf ears anymore,they started to hurt - a lot. And I started comparing myself to her as well. Why I don't know. I've being thinking about the reason for ages - all I can come up with is this: I'm insecure,jealous, and being irrational because for the first time in my life I'mwith a good person, who appreciates me for what I am - a person I can tell anything in the world. My "fairytale" has come,we love each other,we fit together perfectly - between us things are easy. We had the most romantic engagement - we are planning a beautifull wedding, he is adopting my son,and we are planning our marriage as well, taking classes,and counselling as well as working on it at home with self-help books of Gary Chapman - 5 love languages, 5languages of apology etc. I guess I just want him to love me the way I love him. My past partners has faded so much in my memory - they are insignificant to me,for me if I could change anything he would be my first,my last and my everything. I guess I just want him to feel that way about me too - I know it's selfish. He is the love of my life- and I am so glad to marry him- I just want to be the love of his life too,I just want to know that he is happy with me - and that he doens't wish he and his ex could have had a happy marriage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's not selfish for you to want your partner to feel the same love you feel for them. At all.

But the way you phrase it, makes it read as if you don't believe he loves you as much as you love him.

Why? 

Sorry to hear about your rape. That is truly awful. Definitely continue therapy to help you work through that. Remember, that was not your fault at all. Don't let what happened to you paralyze the rest of your life. Continue with the books and couples counselling, too. 

Re: you wanting him to not wish he and his ex could have had a happy life-- these are all woulda/coulda/shouldas. I am divorced myself and I will always wish that my ex and I could have had a long-standing marriage/happy life together. BUT, it simply was not meant to be. It's just like, you probably wish a lot of things in your life had not happened... but what you do is you accept that they did happen and that you can't change the past and move forward to the future.

Again, I think you need to value yourself more. Know your worth. Know you deserve happiness. Stop thinking about his ex. How would you feel if your fiance told you all the time how he was jealous of your ex and how he felt bad about himself and always wondered if you were thinking about that ex? It would drive you mad and annoy you. 

So keep her where she belongs--in the past. And work on YOUR life with him.

Def get some books about self-esteem.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

NervousBride said:


> He told me several times that I am the love of his life-
> 
> I just feel like I might not be the love of his life, because he married someone else before.
> 
> - and he tells me I'm the most beautiful woman.


WOW............just ...................WOW! You, first of all, need to take a DEEP breath, and read the sentences I quoted above that YOU typed. That is all you need to think about. 

Stop obsessing over his 1st wife! 

Now, go look in the mirror and read these sentences to yourself over and over.......daily, if you must. You are going to ruin a great thing!


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