# My spouse refuses to believe me.



## whatdoesshewant (Oct 5, 2011)

Some time ago my spouse an I confronted our distance. We sought counseling and I admitted an EA. It certainly had no physical contact involved as we are on opposite coasts and I assured my spouse it had no other type of sexual engagement whatsoever. 

My spouse has refused to this point to believe me. My spouse insists there is more I will not say and I don't know what to do any more. 

I know my mistakes here. I allowed another person to get emotionally close and become more important to my daily routine and life than my spouse. I know why it happened and am doing everything I am able to avoid the same issue. In the end my spouse routinely brings it up and reminds me that they think there was more going on. They press for more info. Find everything I say an do as suspicious...especially if it is something different or new with my spouse. "why are you suggesting we eat here. We've never eaten here before! Did this person suggest it?"

What can I do to help my spouse?! I have been forth right with everything they are just convinced I am holding back some flood gate of transgressions. Simply put...I'm not. And I am ill to say the least over all of it. I never should have been sp stupid and careless with my emotional state of being. I knew better and couldn't stop myself. Did I stop before it went too far to a PA? Yes. But this was still damaging. The trust has still been broken. And it feels like while I am trying to earn it back an work on fixing the damage, my spouse simply wants to find more fault. 

Help!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

whatdoesshewant said:


> Some time ago my spouse an I confronted our distance. We sought counseling and I admitted an EA.


How long ago was "some time ago"? It can take years for a BS to get over an affair - any affair. Additionally, even though you don't like it, routinely DS's engage in "trickle truth", where the BS slowly finds out more and more information and it's usually worse and worse. For example - you might tell her, "she's just a friend"... then "we may have had some inappropriate texts/e-mails"... then "we had phone sex or sexting"... then "I love her"... then "she came to see me but nothing happened"... then "we just kissed"... then "we only had sex once"... and on and on.

Rather that's what happened or not, that's likely what she is expecting... the worst. You need to give her time, reassure her and answer her questions honestly (even the same ones over and over), and don't get angry.

I've been on both sides of this fence. Give it time. Be open and transparent. It will get better. If you see no change after several months (6 or more) of marriage counselling and intense work on your marriage by both of you, then you may need to make a hard decision... but that decision is yours and your wife's to make.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Who is "they"?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

be completely transparent- give him all passwords, your phone if he wishes, tell him where you are and are going

demonstrate true remorse- do not blame him for the affair one iota, the affair is all your problem, nothing he did caused you to cheat


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## whatdoesshewant (Oct 5, 2011)

sorry, the "they" is my spouse. Was trying to be vague on gender purposefully. which of us is the husband and which is the wife or even same sex is irrelevant. 

The distance thing is entirely both of our fault. More my spouse's than mine I would say, I am sure my spouse would argue its more mine than theirs.

The EA...is COMPLETELY my fault. When my spouse presses and I get so upset and distressed they think its because I am hiding more egregious things. Its not...I just feel so damn stupid for it! I knew what was going on. I knew what path I started down. While it is great that I stopped myself and we started counseling BEFORE something turned into a PA with this person or another...

I should never have even stepped onto that path in the first place. I am totally ashamed. And it is hard to voice this to my spouse without sounding like I am trying to fall on a sword. 

Every time my spouse asks again I feel that wound opened up again...and I start this beating myself up over and over again.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

You should sound like you are falling on a sword. Your wife/spouse - whatever you want to call her - should hear that you are remorseful. You didn't stop it before it went too far. You need to acknowledge that. Just because you stopped it before you had sex with the OW doesn't mean you stopped it before it went too far. You cut off from your wife emotionally and opened up to another woman emotionally. You gave another woman what you should have been giving to your wife.

You went too far. Own up to that.

And if your wife asks you "did SHE suggest that food/TV program, etc" - answer honestly. She wants to make sure you aren't trying to bring your OW into your marriage in any way, shape, form or fashion.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Your spouse has to get past what happened in their own time. And it does take time. All you can do is weather the storm and be truly remorseful. I spent months thinking there was more to the story about my husband. I had to realize that there will always be things I don't know about, things he probably doesn't even remember himself, that don't matter, and that if I want to be with him I have to accept that there is NOT more to the story. Of course it didn't help when he admitted several months after the fact that he had done more since D day.

Wrack your brains and do up a timeline for her, then reiterate it a thousand times, every time she asks, till she finally accepts it. That helped me a lot.


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

whatdoesshewant said:


> While it is great that I stopped myself and we started counseling BEFORE something turned into a PA with this person or another...


Oh snap....no you didn't......................................

A PA is NOT worse than an EA.

Get that through your head right now.

You have NOTHING to be proud of. You did NOTHING GREAT.

You have NO right WHATSOEVER to take offense to ANY comments your BS makes about your affair. Would your BS be making such comments if you hadn't cheated on them???????????

Work on your marriage, be honest about what you did, as well as the shortcomings you experienced in your marriage and the way your EA made you feel. Don't shy away from falling on the sword, jump up and down on that sword until THE PERSON YOU BETRAYED feels satisfied.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Since your board name is WhatdoesSHEwant, I'll assume you are male.

As a fellow cheater, I will tell you that you need to comply with every request she makes for however long she makes them. We cheaters brought this upon ourselves, they didn't ask for it to be thrust upon them. That 100% trust is gone.

Keep talking to her and answering her questions. Even volunteer to take a lie detector test at any time. 

She is going to go through phases, as are you. Let it happen. Go to marriage counseling as well. Keep in mind that she could say "enough" at any time and call it quits. Her emotions are going to tire her out and she will have to make a decision to continue her frustration, stop it and start to trust, or end it all together. You can influence her decision by your behavior. Be with her all of the time you can. Stay clear of cell phones and computers for as much as possible. Plan home based activities with her so that she sees that you want a "home" with her.

Good luck


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

whatdoesshewant said:


> sorry, the "they" is my spouse. Was trying to be vague on gender purposefully. which of us is the husband and which is the wife or even same sex is irrelevant.


It's VERY relevant.

Newsflash: MEN and WOMEN are different.

Emotionally, Different wiring. Physically, Different plumbing. Needs are different, actions follow different motivations. Men seek affairs for different reasons than most women, women seeks affairs to satisfy different needs than men. Men and women also react differently to infidelity.


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

I looked through a few of your earlier posts and saw some of the following statements:

I did not have a PA...it was an EA if anything.
(Wife) Won't believe a word I say that it wasn't intentional, it just happened!
And how can I recover from the massive invasion of privacy I've been subjected to? 
I feel completely violated in this regard.
She (other woman) follows my twitter account and FB page to be sure, but we have no contact with one another whatsoever.
So you are still facebook friends? 

My initial impression is that you’re playing a game called “let’s sweep this under the rug” . Honey let’s just forget about this small thing and move on (already). Let’s get indignant about my wife checking my emails and facebook after I had an emotional affair.


Then I saw this:

Now, this is where I am currently... She (wife) stormed out of a couples therapy session and then called her male friend to come pick her up. This is a person she met while going to school, right when we started to grow apart. Right when she began to put up a wall physically with me. She has gone on trips with him and other classmates to conventions together. She has spent late nights studying with him. They have gone to dinner together with friends, for drinks....and also: ALONE. I have never been suspicious of anything. I have never doubted my trust in her.
But now I am. I feel like maybe she has guilt for having done something wrong, and is transferring it to me. I feel like I am being punished for her actions which based on circumstantial evidence alone could point to an actual PA. 

This sounds really bad. Why did you not mention these details in this thread? Have your thoughts on this changed? Have you done any of your own investigating to get to the bottom of this?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Idk why you are hiding your gender but whatevs. Your handle says WhatdoesSHEwant so who knows...

Ok the advice: keep telling yoru pouse what happened each time you get asked. Over and over x infinity if that is what it takes.

You shattered trust. Broken trust, like glass, can be repaired but the cracks will always be in. This is what happened when you had an affair. It's going to be very hard for your spouse to trust you again.

Your words don't mean d!ck. Actions are everything. So be transparent, be honest, and don't lie. Ever again.

Oh and it goes without saying: zero contact completely and forever w/ your affair partner. Til you die. That is, if you want your marriage.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I hate to say this - but I just automatically assumed you were a man. Sorry!

And you are going to have to keep on answering your spouse's questions until they are satisfied. You have betrayed the trust - and take it from me, ANY betrayal of trust, can be just as bad as a PA. So don't pat yourself on the back for not going to a PA...I haven't lived through an affair with my H - but he has broken the trust down severely, by continuing to lie to me (lies by omissioin/trickle truth) about several different topics. I have to say that the betrayal I feel is akin to the betrayal I've felt when cheated on in past relationships...

Bottom line? Betrayal is betrayal...and you're going to have to work hard for that trust; and yes, it'll probably take years. I remember one poster on here who wrote something like "I cheated on my wife of 28 years before we got engaged. She forgave me, but to this day, she will still bring it up from time to time. She never has forgotten it." For this reason alone, I would not stay with a cheater...I couldn't stand having to look at him, 20+ years later, and still have that hurtful memory...


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

whatdoesshewant said:


> Some time ago my spouse an I confronted our distance. We sought counseling and I admitted an EA. It certainly had no physical contact involved as we are on opposite coasts and I assured my spouse it had no other type of sexual engagement whatsoever.
> 
> My spouse has refused to this point to believe me. My spouse insists there is more I will not say and I don't know what to do any more.
> 
> ...


My husband was the same. He believed there to be vast amounts of physical affairs with large amounts of different men. The neighbors, clients, co-workers, you name it.
Take a polygraph test. I know some say you can cheat them, some say you can't. I don't know which is true. Take the polygraph and get yourself tested for STD. Do this voluntarily without being asked. If you didn't have a PA, none of this should be a problem to do and it might convince your spouse that he/she suspicions might be nothing but fear and pain, which he/she is entitled to, sadly.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

The trust you have in someone is similar to a solid granite wall. When it is together it is smooth and hard and difficult to take apart once you take a chip out of it that wall can never be the same and little things can take more chips out of it even those things that never effected it before.

Your EA took a big chip out of the wall of trust. That wall between you and your wife will never be the same.

Even though it was not a PA you violated your vows for marriage, it will take a long time to build the trust enough that little things do not chip against that wall.

Own up to it, you did it and it will take work on your part to help your wife through this.


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

whatdoesshewant said:


> Some time ago my spouse an I confronted our distance. We sought counseling and I admitted an EA. It certainly had no physical contact involved as we are on opposite coasts and I assured my spouse it had no other type of sexual engagement whatsoever.
> 
> My spouse has refused to this point to believe me. My spouse insists there is more I will not say and I don't know what to do any more.
> 
> ...


Well don't know if you read my post a few down entitle "Still bothering me", but I can say that it is HARD to believe. What I can would help me would be straightforward, heartfelt and believable accounting of time as well as total openness. 

I think that honest people sense when others are not giving them the entire story. I can tell you it sucks to wonder though.


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## whatdoesshewant (Oct 5, 2011)

Bodhitree said:


> Well don't know if you read my post a few down entitle "Still bothering me", but I can say that it is HARD to believe. What I can would help me would be straightforward, heartfelt and believable accounting of time as well as total openness.
> 
> I think that honest people sense when others are not giving them the entire story. I can tell you it sucks to wonder though.


So part of the issue here is that I am bad with recalling details like this. I can't remember last week clearly, let alone conversations and such from 6 months ago. I have been honest when asked and said simply put: We laughed...a lot! It was fun and carefree. It was like when you first meet someone and sort out if you want to date them. You talk about your life, family, work, family history, likes, dislikes, etc. It seems harmless when you are having the conversation, but it was only later that I realized what was happening. Again, that's why I applied the brakes and came forward about it all. 

Look, I screwed up big time, I know this. I'm not making excuses for the betrayal I have made. I just don't know what I can do to help my spouse believe my words and know I am being honest. 

What I want more than anything is for both of us to accept the good and bad parts of our relationship, have more patience and understanding with one another, and move forward together. This cannot be me constantly apologizing and making amends and my spouse constantly ridiculing and scorning my every action. I understand it will take time. But no matter what wrong you've done, you cannot be in a relationship where you are forever reminded of your mistakes and shortcomings. That would be a miserable existence to say the least.

I guess a more succinct way of putting it: I cannot forgive myself and move forward until my spouse can forgive me and move forward. I don't know when that will happen since there is no set time frame or formula. I'm just trying to be patient and understand is all.





michzz said:


> I disagree with one of the responders who says that a PA is not worse than an EA. I beg to differ. On top of including all aspects of an EA, a PA layers in sexual contact. This involves a lot more emotional involvement than just pining over someone.
> 
> Add in Potential STD exposure and there is no comparison.
> 
> ...


I agree that a PA is adding another layer to the issue. I think the point others are trying to make is that EA or PA or some combo really doesn't change that you betrayed your spouse and need to fix it. I am glad I didn't go to the PA level. And I understand why this feels worse to my spouse.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

whatdoesshewant said:


> What can I do to help my spouse?! I have been forth right with everything they are just convinced I am holding back some flood gate of transgressions. Simply put...I'm not. And I am ill to say the least over all of it. I never should have been sp stupid and careless with my emotional state of being. I knew better and couldn't stop myself. Did I stop before it went too far to a PA? Yes. But this was still damaging. The trust has still been broken. And it feels like while I am trying to earn it back an work on fixing the damage, my spouse simply wants to find more fault.
> 
> Help!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You know you can't blame her for not believing you. Cheaters are liars by default.

Only think you could do is offer to submit to a polygraph. If she is of the mindset that if it was only an EA and could get past this if she knew thats all that happened, then a polygraph will be the only way to prove it to her.


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

HerToo said:


> Who is "they"?


That's what I am wondering.


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