# Newly separated



## mpcowa01 (Jan 12, 2016)

My wife and I discussed separation last night. We have been together for 6.5 years, and married for two. We recently moved far away from home and have recently brought to light issues that have been dormant for a while. My wife says that she doesn't think that she can work to fix our issues. We went to couples therapy, and I am continuing to see the therapist as is she. However right now I am so heartbroken that I can not function. I'm trying to make sense of all this but my brain cannot process it. I am having panic attacks, I have no appetite, I can't stand the thought of going to work, all I want to do is fix what is broken. I'm trying to imply patience but it is becoming overwhelming. I love my wife very much and I know that the right thing to do is to give her space. But I'm in such pain right now that I don't know what to do. I'm trying to take solace in the fact that separation is not permanent, I'm trying to stay positive. My friend suggested the "Love Dare." I'm just so afraid, unsure, and sad right now. I'd appreciate any words of wisdom or advice.


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

It's difficult to give advice as I don't really know much about your situation. You say the move brought up issues that have been dormant. Can you elaborate?

Generically I can offer that you only control you. So, all you can do is decide if you want to reconcile, and under what conditions. Even if you do want to reconcile, she may not want to. There is nothing you can do about that. So, you need to prepare yourself for that possibility as well. 

Divorce is painful, but after the storm it gets better. Use the time now for self reflection and healing. Reconcile or not, it never hurts to work on being a better you.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like you are well into depression. I suggest that you see a doctor about betting medication that can help you handle this situation. The meds do not numb you, they help to calm down the confusion, pain, lethargy so that you can handle the situation.

If you do not want to try meds, then start working out.. weight lifting and jogging to get your brain chemistry under control.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

What are the dormant issues? f
You will not win her back with begging and pleading. Get on with your life.
Get some therapy to help you cope, go to the gym, go no contact on her, act as if you have taken her at her word and you intend to move on without her.
Whose idea was it to separate?


----------



## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

I think you should give her space and let her do her thing for a while. Ask her while you are separated if you two have permission to see other people or not, because that would help to know that. Then just leave her alone. If you two still live together then treat her like a roommate and if you are not then don’t contact her at all. You need to wait for her to contact you first and go from there SLOWLY. You don’t want to push her away. If she is willing to still go to counseling with you then that will help too.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

mpcowa01 said:


> My wife and I discussed separation last night. We have been together for 6.5 years, and married for two. We recently moved far away from home and have recently brought to light issues that have been dormant for a while. My wife says that she doesn't think that she can work to fix our issues. We went to couples therapy, and I am continuing to see the therapist as is she. However right now I am so heartbroken that I can not function. I'm trying to make sense of all this but my brain cannot process it. I am having panic attacks, I have no appetite, I can't stand the thought of going to work, all I want to do is fix what is broken. I'm trying to imply patience but it is becoming overwhelming. I love my wife very much and I know that the right thing to do is to give her space. But I'm in such pain right now that I don't know what to do. I'm trying to take solace in the fact that separation is not permanent, I'm trying to stay positive. My friend suggested the "Love Dare." I'm just so afraid, unsure, and sad right now. I'd appreciate any words of wisdom or advice.


Are you still here mpcowa01? 

My first wife and I split 21 years ago and I remember feeling the way you described back then. I would wake and feel normal for about 15 seconds in the morning before I remembered what was going on and then I was instantly nervous and anxious while the wheels in my head raced along all day. But I went through the motions. Got up, got ready, went to work, came home, etc. If you're a fixer by nature like I was then that's going to happen for a while. A bunch of weight will lift off of your shoulders when you wake up some morning soon and realize that you don't have control and you cannot fix it. You can work on you but the relationship is a two person fix. It really helps to cut contact so you don't see her. @EleGirl mentioned depression which is something to think about and a good reason to keep going to IC. I remember feeling like you're describing which wasn't depression in my case. It was a bombardment of fear, uncertainty, loss, sadness, loneliness, insecurity, failure, and a lack of control. The realization that I didn't have control and never did was the key for me. We fixers just work harder to fix-it when things aren't working out. I think it's misdirected confidence or maybe arrogance.

Take it day by day and I hope you come back to post.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

DanielleBennett said:


> I think you should give her space and let her do her thing for a while. Ask her while you are separated if you two have permission to see other people or not, because that would help to know that. Then just leave her alone. If you two still live together then treat her like a roommate and if you are not then don’t contact her at all. You need to wait for her to contact you first and go from there SLOWLY. You don’t want to push her away. If she is willing to still go to counseling with you then that will help too.


or just push for divorce. LImbo is never a good place to be in. 


I am not in favor of separation unless it is pending for divorce because of the fact that I feel being married, despite separated, if you can't make it work now, how will seeing other people in the interim going to help ? If there is a fidelity agreement, and the term is short, it may work but I don't know what you have in place.

If you two live together, it is nearly impossible to just 'treat her like a roommate' because she's still your wife. It won't work. 

So I disagree with Danielle here. You shouldn't be pandering to her as suggested. Either she wants the marriage or not. 

Either fix it or divorce is my opinion, gently. Move forward or move on


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> It sounds like you are well into depression. I suggest that you see a doctor about betting medication that can help you handle this situation. The meds do not numb you, they help to calm down the confusion, pain, lethargy so that you can handle the situation.
> 
> If you do not want to try meds, then start working out.. weight lifting and jogging to get your brain chemistry under control.


I agree with Elegirl completely. OP sounds depressed. I hope he is getting the help he needs


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You need to get a grip on yourself. You can do nothing to help the problem in the shape you're in.

There is not enough info on your issues to discuss rationally


----------



## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

It's good you are in counseling because that shows you realize there's a problem and you're trying to get some help.Do you feel this counselor is helping? Some counselors are better than others.

Living as room mates isn't really an option. I feel it would be just torturous for you. In real life room mates date different people. What happens if she meets someone and brings them home? I mean you're just room mates right? Living as room mates isn't a solution.

In the darkest days of my divorce I knew one thing for sure. As much as a didn't want too I got up and went to work every day. 

Was I happy ,,,, no. 

Was I miserable ,,, yes. 

I couldn't see any light at the end of the tunnel but I knew if I stopped I'd be done !

Life sometimes is about putting your left foot in from of your right and your right foot in front of your left and keep on moving. You don't have any control over her actions so focus on yourself.

Good luck


----------



## BirdieToldMe (Jan 16, 2016)

I can't offer too much advice other than to say that I don't think The Love Dare could hurt. You will definitely need to be respectful of her feelings/boundaries if you do it because she may need some space from you; however, it's a nice thing to do on your own or together (if you can talk her into it).


----------

