# Asking in detail about the past...Is it not good?



## Anakai (Jan 9, 2009)

Hello, I'll try to get to the point:

I wanted to know if other people believe it is not good/ not healthy for a marriage if I want to ask my wife detailed questions about her past...specifically her love & sex life before she met me.

I feel it would help me overcome the questions that are always racing in my mind about her ex which she dated for a majority of her younger life...of 8 years (16-24 years old). 

I've known her for 4 years and we just celebrated our 1 year marriage anniversary. 

I know that you would think you put everything on the table before you get married, but I still have some lingering questions for her that she does not want to answer for she feels it would be unhealthy for our relationship. I think it would help me at least understand her past better and put to rest questions that I have had for 4 years now that won't go away.

I feel that her not telling me is bringing me towards more isolation, yet, unfortunately, my mind works in such a way that I want some sort of peace of mind to know more about her past. 

I figure if she stayed with this guy for 8 years off and on, something must have been good for her. 

I want to know what is was like for her when she had sex with him. Questions like that are what bothers me. Why you ask? I think it is because I'm bothered by the thought of her doing other guys when she's married to me. I know this is mainly about me and my insecurities perhaps, but any other intelligent points of view will help. 

I'm also thinking about seeing a therapist about this. Please, a little compassion would help. Thanks


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## ncreb24 (Jan 7, 2009)

Well, I think there are definite insecurities there. However, I have been where you are. Has she given you any reason to question her faithfulness to you? If not,than these feelings are probably stemming from your insecurity. My Wife and I have crossed alot of bridges in our relationship (together 12 years, Married 3) and recently (last three months) we have started playing question answer games. These games while fun, have at times been a little painful (not to the point of argument) and have helped us both to a great degree. We call it the honesty game....I'll ask her a question and she has to be honest with her answer, than she me anything and I answer. Honesty is the key here. The questions are not to find out what I can hold against her but to build back up what has been damages through our relationship (she has had alot of dishonesty issues and at times I have too) It has helped, BUT, I caution you not to hold her past against her.....You were not in the picture than, so you have no right to hold her to some kind of accountability. Hope this helps


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

have you told her about the details of your past relationships? your feeling a little insecure ,I dont think marriage is about playing games, but i feel that if you need to ask her ,then you should, but also be prepared to feel hurt ... But remember one thing and its a big thing !!! She married you not her ex !! surely that counts for a lot more.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

I have a good friend who is going through this very dilemma. Up until 3 months ago, our friendship was purely mechanical - That is to say that we would spend time together, but we never brought any kinds of "feelings" out. This was not a friend who was interested in hearing about anything personal or talking about anything personal.

Over the past few months, he has become involved with someone who he really cares about, but he is afraid. We have been able to talk about so many new things. He has expressed a side of himself that I had no idea was in there. He chose to open up to me because I am married and he wanted to talk to someone who he thought would be able to understand.

One of his major hang ups is questions he has about her past, before him. He was obsessing about text messages that were on her phone from before they met. I have told him the same thing I will tell you; You have to let go of that. You were not part of her life then, and you can't wiew anything that may or may not have happened as though it has happened after you got together.

In my past relationships, I have cheated, I have been mean, I have not cared, but I have never had any of these feelings towards my wife. I brought a lot of baggage to our relationship. The point is that it doesn't matter what she did before she met you. You obsessing over it is not going to change the fact that her past has happened and that the truth cannot be changed.

I believe it is okay to talk about each others' past, but not to pry into areas where they don't want you to. Look, I am sure there are things about your past that you had rather just forget about, or at the very least that you wouldn't want to share. 

She was with her boyfriend for 8 years. At the very least, this should show you that she is at least a loyal person if nothing else. Rather than to try to make her dwell on the past, and possibly to have her have guilt over old things, spend your time with more positive things, like focusing on the great things in your relationship at present.

It doesn't matter what she did in her life before you, and you don't have the right to know about any of the details of her past relationship(s). Take comfort in the fact that she married you - Not him.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Anakai said:


> I want to know what is was like for her when she had sex with him. Questions like that are what bothers me. Why you ask? I think it is because I'm bothered by the thought of her doing other guys when she's married to me. I know this is mainly about me and my insecurities perhaps, but any other intelligent points of view will help.


This is all about you. Pasts are generally best left there. If she feels a need to tell you bout her past sexual relationships, she will tell you. Just because she won’t share that with you doesn’t mean she will cheat on you. If you fear you are not sexually fulfilling her the way she wants, have a frank and caring discussion about it. Comparing yourself to a former lover is not the answer. Bringing your own game does. Making her feel loved, desired and respected is the best possible thing you can do for the both of you. She married you, not the old flame. Don’t dwell on the past, it will likely only bring further insecurities and cause conflict in the marriage. Concentrate on your future together.


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## Anakai (Jan 9, 2009)

Wow, 

Thanks guys for the input. Sure helps to hear it from others point of views. Kind of nice too that I didn't have to pay a therapist yet and spend big bucks in this saddened economy.

All of you made a point that struck inside me to help me think about what I should focus on and I agree. Here's my question then:

How do you ignore the questions that keep popping up in your head from time to time? 


I can only assume this is a time thing that is going to take more years of happy married life for me to eventually just drop them. I don't hold her in the wrong for her past, just as I have had my fair share of wrong doings.

I think that I'm just upset that she does not want to share these things with me openly. I believe that marriage you hold no secrets from each other, especially if the other person wants to know? Am I wrong? I actually want to share details with her about my past sex life, but she cringes and rather not so I don't say anything. The opposite of course, is for me that I want to know about hers.

I guess to sum things up, I'm a "why" kind of person. _ I do not care so much that you hated this movie, but why? It's fine you're late, but why? That's fine you didn't vote this way, but I'm curious as to why?_ I guess it's my personality that the "why" is just really important and the other things in life are not. I like history as a subject so learning about the past gives me some peace of mind or at least some kind of respect so to speak. You guys made all good points for my question. I'd be the kind of person asking you about your past to sum up in my head how you came to those words of wisdom to me. I don't know, it's just who I am. 

Dare I just focus on the good things like the great advise to remind myself she married me and not him or will that just be a battle I have to keep reminding myself until we've been married like 10 years and I won't care then? 

Thanks again for your input. I hope all 4 of you can respond again. Take care.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Anakai said:


> I think that I'm just upset that she does not want to share these things with me openly. I believe that marriage you hold no secrets from each other, especially if the other person wants to know? Am I wrong?


No you are not wrong marriage is about being open with each other. But there are also boundaries that need to be respected. It is obvious she does not want to share her past with you nor listen to yours. I think you need to respect her wishes here. In all likelihood each of you discussing your sexual past will be uncomfortable for one or both of you. Let it go, it could be Pandora’s box.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Amplexor said:


> No you are not wrong marriage is about being open with each other. But there also boundaries that need to be respected. It is obvious she does not want to share her past with you nor listen to yours. I think you need to respect her wishes here. In all likelihood each of you discussing your sexual past will be uncomfortable for one or both of you. Let it go, it could be Pandora’s box.


:iagree:

When I was in college, I was watching a re-run of The Newlywed Game and the question was "Where was the most unusual place you've made whoopie"...The husband said something like 'One time we did it in the park' and the wife held up her card to show what she wrote and it said 'Up the butt'...I about fell of the couch laughing! 

Anyway, last year I was telling my husband about that and I asked him the same question. We exchanged answers and it was just interesting information for me...sort of a window to how adventurous he was before we met and fortunately our experiences were similar...nothing over the top so no big deal. 

In hindsight, though, if he would have reminisced with a big, fond smile and said some over the top thing...my insecurities would have probably gotten the best of me!


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Our minds work differently. I am more like you, knowing is better. For me it puts closure. I have been with my husband all of my adult life but even so we both had a past. All he wanted to know is if there was a past, period. Good enough for him. I wanted a little more information including who. That's about all the details I wanted to know and it never bothered me and I never thought of it again. Recently though we are reconciling after he had an affair and its killing me that I don't know details. He thinks its enough to confess there was an affair and further details would only hurt me. He's even lied about some of them, i.e. telling me it happened only twice and later when I pressed he said it was several more times than that and went on since May (I found out in Aug and he said it happened only twice within the last 2 weeks before I found out). His reason, that by minimizing the affair it would minimize the pain. Actually it has the opposite. But I do know if situations were reversed he'd not want to know anymore. I want to know how it started, who said what, what were his plans was he going to leave me did they talk about it, where did my kids fit in, how many times, when did it stop, etc. Its like I can put closure on it if I know. 

I am careful to not use anything I find out against him. Trying to make it safe to communicate. It does hurt but then I can move on. 

So recognize that her mind works different, the past is the past and she doesn't see why bringing it up is healthy. But explain to her why having some questions answered actually helps, find a happy medium. I like what ncreb24 said about how he approaches this like a game. Be prepared some answers might hurt you. Don't ask if you don't want to know. Also don't ask if you think you will get angry or use it against her.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

Too much information can be a bad thing. 

There is such a thing as better off not knowing.


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## ncreb24 (Jan 7, 2009)

humpty dumpty said:


> have you told her about the details of your past relationships? your feeling a little insecure ,I dont think marriage is about playing games, but i feel that if you need to ask her ,then you should, but also be prepared to feel hurt ... But remember one thing and its a big thing !!! She married you not her ex !! surely that counts for a lot more.


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## ncreb24 (Jan 7, 2009)

I would like Humptydumpty and everyone else to know that I did not insinuate that marriage is about playing games...I was merely stating something CONSTRUCTIVE that my Wife and I do to help keep things fun and fresh. If anyone knows how much hard work is involved in a Marriage I do. Just wanted to clear any misconceptions or judgements up...


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## LucyInSC (Dec 23, 2008)

This is an interesting subject for me. My husband and I have shared some details about our past love life. There was no indication that it made him uncomfortable to hear about anything I did. However he is evasive when I ask him about his past. He seems to want me to be the more experienced one and will even ask me about details of my past sexual experiences as a turn on for him while we are making love. I always just respond with something like "no one has ever been as good as you" since that is really true and I really don't like to be reminded of those bad times especially while I'm concentrating on being with him. I wonder if he really wants me to tell him or is it just a role-play thing. It's wierd. He told me once a long time ago that he was with two women at the same time once. But now he downplays that...."oh, I've never done much. you are the experienced one". So I stay away from talking about his past since he seems uncomfortable. Whether to share or not to share depends on each person's comfort level and security within your unique relationship.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Your wife's discretion should be respected. You already know that she was intimate with the other person before she met you. Your insecurities are getting the better of your judgment.

One really important detail you should reflect on is that she CHOSE YOU. Pressuring her for details she is not comfortable revealing is destructive to your marriage.

You have no reason to believe she still wants that other person. You have every reason to believe she loves you and wants you. You are right to think that time with a therapist could be useful to you to move past this self-destructive wish to know details of your wife's past intimacies.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I would think the safer answer is the fact she is with you and married to you now. She owns the right to her past and from the sounds of it, it might b better if left there for many reasons including the fact you have a hard time with the thoughts of her and other men. Don't play with fire because you might get answers you don't need or want to hear. Part of your marriage is in acceptance of her for who she is. How she got there is for her alone as it wasn't a part of you, then or now.

draconis


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Closure?

in order to need closure, you need to have loss. What spouses have done in their lives before they met is of no consequence. Unless there was a killing, kidnapping or a criminal history, the other stuff is moot.

Explain to me what past relationships have to do with the current one? Tell me how you are entitled to that information? The ones in the past are gone and over now and unless you want to join the ranks of the past and be the topic of discussion with her next significant other, then it is best to let sleeping dogs lie.

There are things in my past that are best to be left where they are. I am sure my wife has those such experiences as well. If she is comfortable talking about it, then talk, but if you force the issue, it will only lead to anger and bad feelings... and could possibly end up with you sitting alone saying "I should have just kept my mouth shut".

There are many people who believe that before you open your mouth to speak, you had better think about how it is going to benefit you to say whatever it is that you are about to say. If there is no benefit, then it is best to keep your mouth shut. 

What do you think you are missing? how can the conversation about past lovers possibly benefit you? how can forcing things out of her that she doesn't want to talk about and that have nothing to do with you possibly make anything any better?

None of us are 8th graders, and we ALL have an intimate past. Some of it I can talk about while other parts of it are going to just have to stay unspoken. It isn't that I am hiding anything, just that that part of my life is over and there is no need to go back and re-hash it with someone I didn't even know at the time. I don't owe my wife apologies for things I have done prior to our meeting.

Think about it.

~Moog


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## lostluv (May 12, 2008)

I agree with the other responses on here. There are some things that a person often just does not feel comfortable with discussing. Each person has their own reasons for those discomforts. 

For some it may be things they do not want to relive. For others, they may feel that it would provoke a negative response from their spouse. Yet for others, it may be a feeling of needing their privacy and not feeling that their past needs to be part of their present.

As for your wife not wanting to share with you and that creating thoughts of infidelity, IMO that is insecurity on your part unless she has given reason for you to believe that. I don't think it sounds like she is trying to lay the groundwork for a secret double life, she simply does not feel comfortable devulging her past.

Just as you would want her to respect your wishes, you should be willing to do the same for her. If it is too worrisome for you to have her not provide you witht the info you seek, perhaps a different way to approach it would be to find out why.

Ask her to explain to you why she feels it is not a good idea to share. Do not ask her for details, she has already said she does not want to provide them. Try asking her what it is that makes her feel it is wrong to share the info. At least then maybe you will have a better understanding of her reasonings and perhaps a better understanding will provide you with some peace.


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