# Seperated but living together



## edaire (Sep 27, 2015)

I am not sure how to proceed or cope anymore.

I and my wife have been married for over 3 years, with a 2 year old son and a 9 year old step daughter. Out of those three years of marriage we have been separated for 2, but living together off and on during that time. Our last living together arrangement has lasted for over a year, but I am having a difficult time separating myself from the fact that we aren’t “together”. 

Even though she told me she was going to divorce me well over a year ago, I naively thought that perhaps by showing that we could live together, without fighting, exhibiting sharing of responsibilities, that she would see that it could work out. Through that same naivety I thought she was not dating or pursuing other men, and was focusing on the family. Yet for over a year I lived with her, never knowing why did she not divorce me?

I guess I knew there was more to the story, and chose to ignore it, preferring my own reality vs actual reality. Her phone is always with her, always glued to her. Password protected and constantly in use by her. Facebook, I could hear the notifications and knew exactly what was so important. I wanted to know what was going on, what conversations were taking place. So I installed a key logger on a computer I knew she would use one day when the phone was dying. It took about two days to get the password I needed, and of course I logged in as soon as I was able to do so safely.

The conversations were so graphic, talking to one man about oral sex, and another about sexual fantasies. I was to a degree shocked, but yet not that surprised. Hurt and disappointed more about what I was seeing. 

So I called her out about the one of them, not giving away my hand about my Facebook access (She had went to watch a race with him the previous night, she told me about it). I ask him what their relationship status was. She said they were just friends, and I told her to stop lying to me. She then admitted she had feelings for him. I continued to press on, asking her what type of future she honestly thought that would lead to, and what exactly are we doing with our situation. Living together, raising the kids together, etc. as if we are a married couple, but with no love and certainly no sex! She informed me we were living together because it was financially the best way to make it, and that the divorce was never filed because she couldn’t afford to file it. She said she doesn’t love me, but knows I love her. In over a year she couldn’t find $160 to file a divorce? She makes like $15 an hour!

So for a week after that I considered moving, leaving it all and just up and moving. But I considered the gains financially and how it would impact her and the kids, not to mention myself, and determined it best I continue to stay in the same house as her. I have a project house I am trying to get into a live able condition, but that will still take at least 1-2 years to do so (I make a monthly payment on that house, which puts a real drain on my finances). Another factor in my decision was also her sister, who was worried about what might happen to my wife and the kids if I left. She claims I am the only sane voice my wife has. And lastly I admit that I do have concerns on what she might move in if I leave an open spot at the house.

Turns out about two weeks later the guy she had “feelings” for stopped with her, because he found out I wasn’t cool with the idea. The other guy who she was messaging on FB went back to his GF, so that stopped too. Sadly though about two weeks ago she started with a guy she hired at work, he is 10 years younger than her, and seems like a *******. He is a racist bigot; going so far as to telling her not to wear her hair in corn rows because it’s offensive. I don’t know what she sees in these people. What makes it even worse is that me and her work at the same place, and I have to deal with this guy on occasion, and cannot let my personal feelings interfere.
So I live each day, and try to ignore what is going on. But it is often very hard to do, and to a degree it is tearing me up. I don’t look in her FB account anymore, as I feel that is not productive to letting go, although at times the urge to do so is great. But honestly how can you let go of a person who is always around? I beat myself up about things, comparing myself with these people and asking, why? Why does she choose these characters over someone like me? I feel obligated to keep my family safe and secure, informing her not to bring any of her losers over to the house, or around the kids.
I am still in denial I suppose, thinking that one day she will wake up and see what she is doing is wrong. I also don’t want to be like my father, he up and left when I was a child, and our life was difficult because of that. 

Its so weird too, because she seems to worry about me, just the other day she cut my hair. We buy each other breakfast and/or lunch at work. She in many ways acts like a wife, just not.

I’ve been working extra hours partially just to stay away from home. I dread going home these days, and that’s just sad.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

You are avoiding the hard stuff. 

You HAVE choices and you choose to stay there, be her friend...and then get upset about who she sees or what she does. You are NOT a couple any more. Quit spying on her. Let her go. 

Put on your big boy pants, move out....and SHOW your kids what a strong man, and a good life looks like. Right now you are sending them the message that this marriage/family life is acceptable and you know it's not. 

You move out, and really spend some quality time making a new, good, AUTHENTIC life with your kids. You don't have to make it miserable like your dad did by leaving, it's miserable by staying. You can be an awesome single dad and show the kids that you have some self respect and integrity. 

Make a choice....
1. Either stay (and stop spying on her, because it's over and you know it and there is no reason for you to dig into her private conversations)....and learn how to be ok with it.

OR

2. LEAVE..... figure out HOW to be ok and how to make a new life for yourself and the kids. Leave her out of it. Period.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

It seems that every time an extra guy (other than you) walks out of her life, she finds a new one. I have no doubt there is some residual care and concern for you, and her actions show SOME tenderness and affection, but you can't escape the fact that she's seeing another person, and as long as it happens in front of you and around you, it will tear you down. There is no marriage or relationship resembling a marriage with her so long as she is involved with someone else. 

I totally get what you mean about the open spot in the house. My h's OW had one and he filled it. Here's the calculus: can you stay there and keep the spot that would become vacant filled and not lose your mind? Probably not. It is one thing to be committed to your marriage and want to save it, but it is another thing to think that you can take any action to make that happen. You can't. Either it will or it won't, and yes it seems that all the power to make that happen lies with your wife, not you. If she's still seeing someone, anyone, moving on the next guy when the previous one walks out, you need to get your power back. I totally hear what you say about not breaking up the marriage for the sake of your kids, and I hear you about the sister. I wish my family and my h's family had been more supportive of me and would have accepted he had mental and physical problems, and let me follow this journey through my way (my goal was to have as few regrets as possible, and I've managed to do that). What I hear is a stand-up guy who takes his obligations and commitments, to his kids, to his wife's family, very seriously, and is weighing heavily what it means to be committed to a relationship through thick and thin. Kudos to you! BUT remember the old adage: if you're on the airplane and the oxygen levels drop, put YOUR mask on first before you turn to help others. You won't get the mask on your kids if you drop dead from a lack of oxygen yourself. The variable here is that isn't garden-variety infidelity, this is a woman who has lost her mind and lost her sanity, and to save yourself you need to step aside from her madness. 

Maybe she hasn't filed because she can't be bothered to do the work and spend the money, maybe she's hanging on to you as Plan B, maybe she's conflicted and crazy simultaneously, but nothing says that you can't file if the time comes and that feels like the best option to you. But you need to time to decide, to focus on you, to situate your kids, and get out of the lion's den where you distracted by constant questions of "why am I not good enough?" You are not the problem!!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Cmon man! 180 her and figure out how to move on.

You fix yourself and never look back at that.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Dude get ur ass out of that terminal sitch or you won't be sane for long
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Oh man what are you thinking ? Your wife sees you only as someone who will pay the bills and mortage for the house.

How can you live with that person,knowing well she is going out on dates with other guys and having feelings for them,having sex with them,while you stay at the house ?

Please man do something and think about yourself. You will have your kids in the future that is for sure.

You are "only" married for 3 years and half of that or even more is seperated,do you really want to waste your life on woman like that ? Staying at home,watching ids,paying bills while your wife goes out and live for free !!!

Stay strong my friend and good luck to you,you will need it


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## edaire (Sep 27, 2015)

Thank You all for the replies! As much as it does bother me at times I really have no choice but to stay in the situation. 

I've been working on trying to simply ignore it all, when I catch myself asking where she is going or where has she been, telling myself to stop it. I have stopped with the FB snooping, it doesn't help anything to know, it actually hurts to read the nonsense.

I just have to realize that I am no longer important to her, nor should she be to me. I am going to try and start saving for the future, and try to work on bettering myself, although I know it will be difficult with her around.


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