# Considering calling off engagement...



## swirly_possum (Mar 16, 2018)

This is my very first post in this forum and I trust that everyone here is non-judgemental but also honest, mostly because I'm already judging myself. Here's my situation:

I've been with my fiance for almost 6 years. We've been living together for 5 of those 6 years and engaged since Christmas 2016. We bought our very first apartment in 2017. Our wedding is set this May (it's coming up!). Like many relationships, yes we have our differences in some things but we've always managed to work it out. We're both originally from China but I've lived in North America pretty much since childhood, while he moved here 10 years ago. Recently, his parents who live in China got divorced and him being the only child, his mom naturally wants him to be by her side more often. She's always been pressuring him to move back but even more so since the divorce. I don't want to move back. I didn't like living there so why would I want to move back. It's not 100% carved in stone that we will move back, but there is that possibility. It wouldn't be right after the wedding, it'd be in maybe 3 years that we might move back (if it comes to that). My fiance has said that he doesn't really want to move back either, but he is attached to his family, which is ironically one of the things that I love about him. I feel that if we get married and we end up needing to go back, I'm letting HIS family decide what I'm doing with my life, and I don't know if I'm ok with that. I have job that I absolutely love here and I really don't want to give it up. We'd be giving up our comfortable jobs and life to be crammed into a tiny apartment with god-knows-what type of job. We'd be starting over all over again. Also, my mom lives in North America too so I'd be leaving my mom just so he can be with his family. We're trying to convince his mom to either move here, or an alternative compromise which is we can stay here and visit once or twice a year, but of course, his mom isn't quite happy with that and prefers him to actually move back to China to be with her. I'm not sure if this is crucial but his mom and I have a happy, polite relationship. We've never had an argument. Same goes for my fiance and my mom.

Here's the part that I'm already judging and being mad at myself. I'm in love with someone else... He is smart, romantic, and just an amazing person all around. We're on the same page for almost everything and it's possible I'm more compatible with him than with my fiance. He understands my situation and we both agreed that if (or when) we end our affair, we will stay friends, because that's how we value each other first and foremost, as trust-worthy friends. He's actually been very supportive and incredible friend while I'm dealing with my marriage dilemma. I know that I cannot base my decision to whether or not call off our engagement on him, but I really, truly, love him, and he loves me back just as much. I'm always feeling guilty for not being 100% with my fiance, while also not being 100% with my secret boyfriend-type-person (we've never put a label on whatever we have going on) Please don't get me wrong, I still love and care about my fiance deeply, but it's different... I'm not doing the best job describing it...

Ultimately, I know that I need to live with my decision. If we get married, I would have to accept the fact that we might have to move back to China and I would have to be ok with it with no resentment towards my fiance and his family. That's where I'm having trouble making up my mind... I'd love to hear some feedback or stories if anyone out there has faced a similar dilemma. Thank you!


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

This is easy.

1. Don't get married.
2. Break up.
3. Let fiance go free! 
4. Be a sleaze with whomever you want!


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Yes you need to call off the wedding,
Yes you need to be 100% honest with everyone.
You have your fiance and a boyfriend, that is not 
fair to either one of them. You get to enjoy both
of them and what ever it is they give you. Financial 
support from fiance and emotional support from 
boyfriend. The least of your worries should be 
moving back to China!! If you get married you may 
regret it or your future husband will find out about 
boyfriend. You are not even married yet and all ready
cheating!! Stop the engagement and decide who
you really want. How does your boyfriend feel about you
getting married. Or does he even know?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

swirly_possum said:


> This is my very first post in this forum and I trust that everyone here is non-judgemental but also honest, mostly because I'm already judging myself. Here's my situation:
> 
> I've been with my fiance for almost 6 years. We've been living together for 5 of those 6 years and engaged since Christmas 2016. We bought our very first apartment in 2017. Our wedding is set this May (it's coming up!). Like many relationships, yes we have our differences in some things but we've always managed to work it out. We're both originally from China but I've lived in North America pretty much since childhood, while he moved here 10 years ago. Recently, his parents who live in China got divorced and him being the only child, his mom naturally wants him to be by her side more often. She's always been pressuring him to move back but even more so since the divorce. I don't want to move back. I didn't like living there so why would I want to move back. It's not 100% carved in stone that we will move back, but there is that possibility. It wouldn't be right after the wedding, it'd be in maybe 3 years that we might move back (if it comes to that). My fiance has said that he doesn't really want to move back either, but he is attached to his family, which is ironically one of the things that I love about him. I feel that if we get married and we end up needing to go back, I'm letting HIS family decide what I'm doing with my life, and I don't know if I'm ok with that. I have job that I absolutely love here and I really don't want to give it up. We'd be giving up our comfortable jobs and life to be crammed into a tiny apartment with god-knows-what type of job. We'd be starting over all over again. Also, my mom lives in North America too so I'd be leaving my mom just so he can be with his family. We're trying to convince his mom to either move here, or an alternative compromise which is we can stay here and visit once or twice a year, but of course, his mom isn't quite happy with that and prefers him to actually move back to China to be with her. I'm not sure if this is crucial but his mom and I have a happy, polite relationship. We've never had an argument. Same goes for my fiance and my mom.
> 
> ...


1) I have a label, it is called cheating on your fiance.

2) You are doing a great job describing it. It is perfect. You are cheating on your fiance. If you truly loved your fiance you would not be in love with another man.

Tell your fiance you have been cheating on him so he can call off the wedding. If you have the guts and moral fiber to do so. At least then he would know the truth about why his marriage needs to be called off. If you don't have the courage to say why at least love him enough to break it off so he can eventually meet someone who does not 2 time him and waste his time.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Crazy!

I think you should still marry him. Then get knocked up by your affair partner . Then divorce him so he can pay child suport for a child thats not his.

You know because you love him and thats the way you treat somone you love!

May god have mercy on your soul.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Swirly, the thing about affairs is that not only are you being very selfish, which I'm sure you already know, but you are being very wrong to your fiance. To mess around on him is bad enough, but to keep the secret and then marry him is just wrong. That's because you, I, your fiance, and everyone else on the planet deserves the right to make their own decisions. But you are robbing him of that right. You have the right to do whatever you want regarding yourself and your life, but you have no right to make any decision regarding him and his life. So what you're doing is deciding you will have your affairs (this will NOT be the last one), marry him, and be married to him without him knowing the real person that you are. He needs to know that so he can decide for himself whether to marry you.

But okay, it's unlikely you will come clean and tell him you've been cheating behind his back. So at least do him the favor of cutting him loose and calling off the wedding. You love someone more than you love him, and you don't want to move back to China, and moving back is a decision that is entirely yours. It's not something you should HAVE to do, and you shouldn't marry him knowing you will have to move there. Moreso, no one deserves to be tricked into marriage. If you care about him at all, then be considerate of him on this level since you have not mustered any respect for him on any other level.

And besides, you have no idea how your affair partner really feels. You don't have the connection you think you and he share. He is playing a part but all the while knows it's not serious and can never be anything more than it is, so he is enjoying himself doing and saying all the things that are necessary to keep his fun and pleasure going. If you told him today that you broke up with your fiance and want to be him, I wager a heavy bet that he will start backing off. Being serious won't sound so fun to him. The rendevous won't have to be clandestine and will lose their luster. Taking on the responsibility of a real relationship with you won't sound so attractive as being your uncommitted lover has.

Honestly, you need to let your affair partner go. Let them both go. You should take some time to yourself and get counseling to figure out why you have not made better decisions for yourself and why you are this person you have become. To live your life so capriciously and dishonestly, making the conscious choice to deceive those who love you, and choosing to make long term plans of your deception are issues within yourself that you need help addressing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are two good reasons why you should not marry your fiancé.

1) The bit about moving to China and leaving your family behind is a HUGE negative. It's too much to ask him to not have the option to move back with his family. And it's too much of him to expect you to move to China. He made the choice some time ago to leave his family and move to the USA. It's not fair of him to now expect you to give up your family and the country you grew up in to undo something that he did in the past.

2) You are cheating on him. It's one of the worse things a person can do to their significant other (or spouse). You apparently do not have any idea of the magnitude of hurt that he will suffer if he finds out about your affair, and he's very likely to find out. The fact that you are in love with your affair partner (AP) means that you are not in love enough with your fiancé to marry him. And if he ever finds out about your cheating it's going to get ugly. If you are living in China when he finds out, you will a US citizen stranded in China. He will most likely kick you out. Most men will not stay with a woman who has cheated on them. you will be much better off to end the engagement now, before you are married and this all blows up in your face.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Well, I will tell it straight up. 

For a person who seems very well educated and eloquent in her writing, you are very naive when it comes to committed relationships. Maybe it's that your Affair Fog is as thick as molasses. 

Therefore, under no circumstances are you even ready for marriage. You aren't marriage material if you're cheating on your fiancé.

As for the other incompatibilities between you and your fiancé (China vs. US, him devoted to his mother when you don't agree, etc.), these will only result in pure resentment for him, given enough time. You already resent him because he's not your Affair Partner and from what it sounds like, you've been having sex with said Affair Partner (hence, the Oxytocin is flowing and you're bonded to him) so what chance in Hell does your fiancé have in comparison anyway? Why put yourself or him in a position where you're already extremely likely to leave him? Just leave now and go be with your AP.

Lastly, and this is just a personal preference, I would never purchase a property with a man I was not married to. You don't mention anything about what you will do about that if you break up with him. And I hope you do seriously consider breaking up with him, not because we urge it, but because it's the most respectful thing you could do for him at this moment.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

swirly_possum said:


> This is my very first post in this forum and I trust that everyone here is non-judgemental but also honest, mostly because I'm already judging myself. Here's my situation:
> 
> I've been with my fiance for almost 6 years. We've been living together for 5 of those 6 years and engaged since Christmas 2016. We bought our very first apartment in 2017. Our wedding is set this May (it's coming up!). Like many relationships, yes we have our differences in some things but we've always managed to work it out. We're both originally from China but I've lived in North America pretty much since childhood, while he moved here 10 years ago. Recently, his parents who live in China got divorced and him being the only child, his mom naturally wants him to be by her side more often. She's always been pressuring him to move back but even more so since the divorce. I don't want to move back. I didn't like living there so why would I want to move back. It's not 100% carved in stone that we will move back, but there is that possibility. It wouldn't be right after the wedding, it'd be in maybe 3 years that we might move back (if it comes to that). My fiance has said that he doesn't really want to move back either, but he is attached to his family, which is ironically one of the things that I love about him. I feel that if we get married and we end up needing to go back, I'm letting HIS family decide what I'm doing with my life, and I don't know if I'm ok with that. I have job that I absolutely love here and I really don't want to give it up. We'd be giving up our comfortable jobs and life to be crammed into a tiny apartment with god-knows-what type of job. We'd be starting over all over again. Also, my mom lives in North America too so I'd be leaving my mom just so he can be with his family. We're trying to convince his mom to either move here, or an alternative compromise which is we can stay here and visit once or twice a year, but of course, his mom isn't quite happy with that and prefers him to actually move back to China to be with her. I'm not sure if this is crucial but his mom and I have a happy, polite relationship. We've never had an argument. Same goes for my fiance and my mom.
> 
> Here's the part that I'm already judging and being mad at myself. I'm in love with someone else... He is smart, romantic, and just an amazing person all around. We're on the same page for almost everything and it's possible I'm more compatible with him than with my fiance. He understands my situation Thank you!


Well- Thank You! squirrelly possum!

This is all so logical. Don't be mad at yourself because you are so something special and god forbid you marry the person you are engaged to . 

Do not marry the person you are engaged to.
Have a nice day. Roll eyes.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I think you're looking for validation not to get married, but I think the possible future "move" is just a convenient excuse, the real reason is you don't want to leave lover boy. And you shouldn't, if you love someone else you should not get married, that would be unfair to all involved. 

Tonight when your fiancé gets home tell him you are leaving him and why, have your bags packed and head straight over to your lovers place. Oh and don't tell lover boy what you are doing, just show up at his door with your bags and say "surprise", that should work out splendidly!


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I have always said that it is a bad idea to move nearer to your in-laws. the advantage in your case would be to be further away from the affair partner. 
My straight up advice to you is that you should return the diamond to the poor sap you conned it out of and abandon your plans for your princess day. You don't deserve a special all about you wedding day.


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## Um Excuse Me (Feb 3, 2018)

:wtf::slap:


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Don't marry someone if you are not completely committed. End it and be with the man you actually love. Getting married will just hurt everyone involved.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

End the engagement.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

swirly_possum said:


> This is my very first post in this forum and I trust that everyone here is non-judgemental but also honest, mostly because I'm already judging myself. Here's my situation:
> 
> I've been with my fiance for almost 6 years. We've been living together for 5 of those 6 years and engaged since Christmas 2016. We bought our very first apartment in 2017. Our wedding is set this May (it's coming up!). Like many relationships, yes we have our differences in some things but we've always managed to work it out. We're both originally from China but I've lived in North America pretty much since childhood, while he moved here 10 years ago. Recently, his parents who live in China got divorced and him being the only child, his mom naturally wants him to be by her side more often. She's always been pressuring him to move back but even more so since the divorce. I don't want to move back. I didn't like living there so why would I want to move back. It's not 100% carved in stone that we will move back, but there is that possibility. It wouldn't be right after the wedding, it'd be in maybe 3 years that we might move back (if it comes to that). My fiance has said that he doesn't really want to move back either, but he is attached to his family, which is ironically one of the things that I love about him. I feel that if we get married and we end up needing to go back, I'm letting HIS family decide what I'm doing with my life, and I don't know if I'm ok with that. I have job that I absolutely love here and I really don't want to give it up. We'd be giving up our comfortable jobs and life to be crammed into a tiny apartment with god-knows-what type of job. We'd be starting over all over again. Also, my mom lives in North America too so I'd be leaving my mom just so he can be with his family. We're trying to convince his mom to either move here, or an alternative compromise which is we can stay here and visit once or twice a year, but of course, his mom isn't quite happy with that and prefers him to actually move back to China to be with her. I'm not sure if this is crucial but his mom and I have a happy, polite relationship. We've never had an argument. Same goes for my fiance and my mom.
> 
> ...


Tell your betrothed that you’ve been cheating on him and he’ll likely end the engagement for you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You are far too immature and selfish to get married to anyone. If you cant even be faithful when you are engaged then you wont be when you are married.


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

GusPolinski said:


> Tell your betrothed that you’ve been cheating on him and he’ll likely end the engagement for you.


I would've agreed with that before coming to this site. I've since learned there are tons of castrated men that are more than willing to be cuckolds. Kind of a fascinating phenomenon. Pathetic but fascinating.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

swirly_possum said:


> This is my very first post in this forum and I trust that everyone here is non-judgemental but also honest, mostly because I'm already judging myself. Here's my situation:
> 
> I've been with my fiance for almost 6 years. We've been living together for 5 of those 6 years and engaged since Christmas 2016. We bought our very first apartment in 2017. Our wedding is set this May (it's coming up!). Like many relationships, yes we have our differences in some things but we've always managed to work it out. We're both originally from China but I've lived in North America pretty much since childhood, while he moved here 10 years ago. Recently, his parents who live in China got divorced and him being the only child, his mom naturally wants him to be by her side more often. She's always been pressuring him to move back but even more so since the divorce. I don't want to move back. I didn't like living there so why would I want to move back. It's not 100% carved in stone that we will move back, but there is that possibility. It wouldn't be right after the wedding, it'd be in maybe 3 years that we might move back (if it comes to that). My fiance has said that he doesn't really want to move back either, but he is attached to his family, which is ironically one of the things that I love about him. I feel that if we get married and we end up needing to go back, I'm letting HIS family decide what I'm doing with my life, and I don't know if I'm ok with that. I have job that I absolutely love here and I really don't want to give it up. We'd be giving up our comfortable jobs and life to be crammed into a tiny apartment with god-knows-what type of job. We'd be starting over all over again. Also, my mom lives in North America too so I'd be leaving my mom just so he can be with his family. We're trying to convince his mom to either move here, or an alternative compromise which is we can stay here and visit once or twice a year, but of course, his mom isn't quite happy with that and prefers him to actually move back to China to be with her. I'm not sure if this is crucial but his mom and I have a happy, polite relationship. We've never had an argument. Same goes for my fiance and my mom.
> 
> ...


You are already cheating on your fiance, so please just let him go and he will meet a decent woman in China who will be more than willing not to cheat on him and even like his mother.
Continue your affair with lover boy, although he may not want you when you are actually free.
BTW you are not ready for commitment, I would suggest you do not settle on one person for now.


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