# Stay at home wife???



## Belina77 (Apr 1, 2020)

My husband has been pushing very hard for me to be a SAHW. A little history I went to school to get a degree after years at a miserable factory type job. I quit and started in the medical field. My husband did not want me to stay home then, and required that I pay my share for things, even though I brought home and still bring home 1/4 of his salary. I no longer pay for his home loan, or utilities, I buy all my own groceries. He has been pushing since i started in the medical field 6 years ago to not work. We do not have children. He knows that I throughly enjoy my job. It has never felt like work. I do sometimes have long hours and due to our work schedules we do have days that we do not see eachother. He has become very resentful of me working. I have cut back to part time and was only working 3 days a week. He would consistently stay late at work on my days off, come home to tired to engage. Our sex life decreased though he said prior that we didn't have sex enough. Now here I was pushing for sex, spending time and he would blow me off. A year goes by and now works a completely opposite shift of mine now. He says since he is the bread winner my job is not important and I should quit to see him. He also says he doesn't have enough time prior to work to even engage so that would leave me staying up after midnight to see him. I would have to rely solely on him for any purchasing and I feel that he would question every purchase I make. I have no family or friends close by and feel I would be isolated. I come from a trauma background and am distrusting of things in general. I'm concerned that it might be a factor of him wanting to be completely in control. Any thoughts from men and women out there.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I would not do it. He may make good money but he thinks of it as HIS money and so I would continue to make my own. Make sure you tell him that is why you will continue working, because of his attitude. At best I would maybe try to find a position in which you are not on opposite schedules.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

From what you say, your H doesn't want you to stay home to a)raise kids, b) because he wants YOU to enjoy your life and give you opportunities to do other things.
It SOUNDS like, to me, like you said -- he wants to extend more control over you. He pushed you to part-time, and that worked. Now he wants to push MORE to extend that further. Then, as you said, you are 100% dependent on him for finances as well.

Look you enjoy your job, you have no children yet to worry about, I don't see any real reason here that he presented to you for WHY you should be a SAHW. YOU have a choice -- it is YOUR life and not his decision to make. IF he is emotionally mature, he will understand that YOU are the one that chooses -- he can only suggest.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Belina77 said:


> He knows that I throughly enjoy my job. It has never felt like work.
> He has become very resentful of me working.
> I'm concerned that it might be a factor of him wanting to be completely in control.


This is my thought, exactly. He wants to be in control, and feel "superior". Please, whatever you do, do not acquiesce to his immaturity. Remain your own person, with your own career, your own schedule, your own money, all of which is managed and controlled BY YOU....100%. If you want to work 8 days a week, it is YOUR DECISION, and NOT HIS. Leth him find time to be with you, if that is what he truly wants.

Your job in marriage is to provide companionship and intimacy to your spouse. Don't completely neglect this, but he is responsible to do the same for you.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

This is about control, not about your relationship.
Don't do it.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Belina77 said:


> I no longer pay for his home loan, or utilities, I buy all my own groceries.


This is so wrong. He's treating you like a roommate and not like a spouse. If you had helped himw with his home loan, I would not be surprised if he wanted a divorce at the end of the loan since your usefulness would be finished.

Why he doesn't want you to work anymore is not clear. Do you find he sometimes he has subtly sadistic ways?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don’t. That may benefit him but it doesn’t benefit you.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Belina77 said:


> My husband has been pushing very hard for me to be a SAHW. A little history I went to school to get a degree after years at a miserable factory type job. I quit and started in the medical field. My husband did not want me to stay home then, and required that I pay my share for things, even though I brought home and still bring home 1/4 of his salary. I no longer pay for his home loan, or utilities, I buy all my own groceries. He has been pushing since i started in the medical field 6 years ago to not work. We do not have children. He knows that I throughly enjoy my job. It has never felt like work. I do sometimes have long hours and due to our work schedules we do have days that we do not see eachother. He has become very resentful of me working. I have cut back to part time and was only working 3 days a week. He would consistently stay late at work on my days off, come home to tired to engage. Our sex life decreased though he said prior that we didn't have sex enough. Now here I was pushing for sex, spending time and he would blow me off. A year goes by and now works a completely opposite shift of mine now. He says since he is the bread winner my job is not important and I should quit to see him. He also says he doesn't have enough time prior to work to even engage so that would leave me staying up after midnight to see him. I would have to rely solely on him for any purchasing and I feel that he would question every purchase I make. I have no family or friends close by and feel I would be isolated. I come from a trauma background and am distrusting of things in general. I'm concerned that it might be a factor of him wanting to be completely in control. Any thoughts from men and women out there.


He's from the dark ages,


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## EmeryB (Aug 15, 2019)

Nope nope nope nope NOPE!! Do not quit your job. He will be in total control of you. I've been there, done that ... and had to start all over (from the bottom) when I had to get a job because he was having an affair and refused to stop (which resulted in me having to divorce him). Keep your job at all costs! 

And maybe really think about the state of your marriage. He sounds completely controlling and not very appealing based on what you've said. Is this really a happy situation for you? 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

TJW said:


> This is my thought, exactly. He wants to be in control, and feel "superior". Please, whatever you do, do not acquiesce to his immaturity. Remain your own person, with your own career, your own schedule, your own money, all of which is managed and controlled BY YOU....100%. If you want to work 8 days a week, it is YOUR DECISION, and NOT HIS. Leth him find time to be with you, if that is what he truly wants.
> 
> Your job in marriage is to provide companionship and intimacy to your spouse. Don't completely neglect this, but he is responsible to do the same for you.


Correct!! And I'll add put some of your money away, you'll need it in the future. You can see the writing on the wall.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

If i were you, I'd quit my husband before I quit my job. BTW: My daughter is a career woman (and mom) because she saw how her father acted.

Furthermore, I would consider long and hard before I had children with this controlling man, but maybe there are no such plans.

*"He would consistently stay late at work on my days off, come home to tired to engage. Our sex life decreased though he said prior that we didn't have sex enough. Now here I was pushing for sex, spending time and he would blow me off."*

The above is the key to your post. No matter what you do, it isn't right. This was also him controlling by withholding sex.

You are wise not to trust him. Your 'marriage' sounds more like a business arrangement. What would he want you to do all day anyway?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

And, remember, that you were not placed into this world by God to live up to your husband's expectations. He needs to put on his big adult man pants, and figure out what HIS purpose of being in this world is...... and, get to it.....

The person placed by God into this world having the job of living up to your husband's expectations is HIM.....


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## Belina77 (Apr 1, 2020)

Sunsetmist I wonder that too. He doesn't check up on me or tell me what to do in daily life coming and going. I have sometimes wondered about our marriage in that it does sometimes seem "cold"


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## Belina77 (Apr 1, 2020)

NextTimeAround said:


> This is so wrong. He's treating you like a roommate and not like a spouse. If you had helped himw with his home loan, I would not be surprised if he wanted a divorce at the end of the loan since your usefulness would be finished.
> 
> Why he doesn't want you to work anymore is not clear. Do you find he sometimes he has subtly sadistic ways?


What do you mean by sadistic? He doesnt check up on me or seem interested in anything I do outside of our home. He bought the house when after 5 years together prior to marriage we needed time living apart to figure out if this was really a relationship that was healthy for both of us. I initated the break.


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## Belina77 (Apr 1, 2020)

EmeryB said:


> Nope nope nope nope NOPE!! Do not quit your job. He will be in total control of you. I've been there, done that ... and had to start all over (from the bottom) when I had to get a job because he was having an affair and refused to stop (which resulted in me having to divorce him). Keep your job at all costs!
> 
> And maybe really think about the state of your marriage. He sounds completely controlling and not very appealing based on what you've said. Is this really a happy situation for you?
> 
> ...


We get along pretty well for the most part. I love most of what we have. I just disagree with my whole life needing to change and his not because he is the "bread winner". I could pay for things too. He just has never wanted me to. I guess by that I mean we could live on less. I'm not a materialistic person the only thing I blow money on is my dog and his healthcare.


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## anonfrank (Apr 18, 2013)

Keep your job so you have your own money. Not only that, but you are your own person and deserve autonomy.


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## DTG (Mar 30, 2020)

What does the relationship look like between his parents?


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

What are you going to do while your husband is at work? 
Your husband wants you to stay home the whole day waiting for him? Doing nothing but becoming a desperate housewife?

I wouldn't do it. 

You said you love your job, so your happiness is not important to your husband? Your career and independence either? 

Him wanting to control the finances, your career, your time, it's kind of creepy. I get the feeling whatever you do is never going to be enough for him. 

Don't have children with him until you solve this problem!


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Don’t ever quit your job. It doesn’t matter how much your husband makes, you need to find your own security. I was married for 7 years to a surgeon and I went to school to get my masters and everyone told me it was dumb because my husband made so much. in the end we got divorced and my career was the best thing I ever invested in.


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## Belina77 (Apr 1, 2020)

DTG said:


> What does the relationship look like between his parents?
> [/QUOTE
> I dont really know. I have only met them once. They do not have a relationship. His mom was syau at home, and he has said his dad was controlling.


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## Belina77 (Apr 1, 2020)

Thank you to all of you. I knew I wasn't wrong in wanting to keep working.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have a degree now, right? Is it a Bachelor's degree?

Does your husband have a degree?

Has he started to work more hours?

Do you know what he is doing when you are at work since you two work opposite hours now?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He wants to be able to control you. DO NOT AGREE TO THIS. Keep your job. And to be honest I’d be doing some serious contemplation about whether I wanted to stay married to someone with this attitude. 




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## Belina77 (Apr 1, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> You have a degree now, right? Is it a Bachelor's degree?
> 
> Does your husband have a degree?
> 
> ...


He does, I don't. I didn't finish for several reasons. I think he sleeps mostly, then at night when I'm sleeping I dont know. Not much since it's really quiet and I wake up at the drop of a pin.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I wouldn't quit your job but I would consider finding one with similar hours so that you two can spend more quality time together. Also you need to be saving what you can.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

No trust.
No sex.
No quality time.
You better keep the job, you're going to need it.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Nothing wrong with being a stay at home wife, if that's what you both want. That's not the case here though, and he is trying to control you. That is not on.


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## DeEva (Apr 28, 2020)

NOPE!


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

To me, it sounds like he's turning into his Dad, and becoming controlling. Personally, if I were you, I would continue to work, but I agree with @notmyjamie, and try to pick up shifts that jive with his. It's not up to one person in the marriage to give up everything including a sense of self, to make the other person happy. You guys need to work as a team.


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