# What now?



## Kisboros (Oct 20, 2013)

My husband and I have been together for 18 years. I was 43 and he was 47 when we got together. Sex was beyond good. Then he started to have issues with orgasm. It took longer and longer form him to get to that point. I never had this problem even after menopause. Most of my life I was rather "over-charged" so now I guess I have a "normal" sex drive. Basically I was initiating most of the time and he seemed to have the "I have a headache" syndrome like the stereotypical description goes about all those women not wanting sex. So I got so discouraged that I stopped trying about 4 years ago. However, I kept asking why we never had sex. I got an evasive answer.
Then I found out that recently he had a three-month long affair with a married woman he found online who was seeking the same - relatively safe sex because they don't get it at home. I was devastated, of course, because I lived in this utter sexual frustration and consciously didn't go and sought relief elsewhere as I thought he had medical issues. So here we are. I tried having sex with him after the affair and the same old story...he could not reach orgasm. Obviously he could with this woman who was younger and NEW. What now? After him tasting exciting sex, how on earth can I reverse this uninterest in him. We do love each other and both of us are attractive and in shape. I am so so sad.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I feel for you. I think you will find lots of stories like yours on TAM - spouses who have seemingly lost interest sexually. I'm still puzzled by my DH's loss of appetite for me too so if you figure it out, let me know.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Why would you want to reverse the uninterest in him? He screwed around on you, after rejecting you for so long. He should want to reverse it.

Honestly, if he doesn't want to reverse it you can't make him. You can lead a horse to water...


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## pierrematoe (Sep 6, 2013)

OP - feel very bad for your situation. It's very important to understand how you found out about his affair. Did he tell you or did you uncover it? And what did he say about it?

I've found that this scenario often is repeated if not resolved fully in counseling


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Kisboros said:


> My husband and I have been together for 18 years. I was 43 and he was 47 when we got together. Sex was beyond good. Then he started to have issues with orgasm. It took longer and longer form him to get to that point. I never had this problem even after menopause. Most of my life I was rather "over-charged" so now I guess I have a "normal" sex drive. Basically I was initiating most of the time and he seemed to have the "I have a headache" syndrome like the stereotypical description goes about all those women not wanting sex. So I got so discouraged that I stopped trying about 4 years ago. However, I kept asking why we never had sex. I got an evasive answer.
> Then I found out that recently he had a three-month long affair with a married woman he found online who was seeking the same - relatively safe sex because they don't get it at home. I was devastated, of course, because I lived in this utter sexual frustration and consciously didn't go and sought relief elsewhere as I thought he had medical issues. So here we are. I tried having sex with him after the affair and the same old story...he could not reach orgasm. Obviously he could with this woman who was younger and NEW. What now? After him tasting exciting sex, how on earth can I reverse this uninterest in him. We do love each other and both of us are attractive and in shape. I am so so sad.


Wow, I feel for you.

He cheated on you and you took him back? You forgave him? You are better than most.:smthumbup:

I would do some sneaky investigating and find out what this other woman looked like, hair style, how she dresses, and what did she do that turned him on? Sexual positions, different toys, oils, what?

Use that to your advantage or you could divorce him and find a man who loves you and wants sex only with you.


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

This is one of my marital fears. For seven long years, I went without affection (she "would" but didn't want to). It took a toll on me. I never strayed during that time. But of all the things that would hurt the most in my marriage, it would be to find out that she was doing things behind my back. You're stronger than I am, because if my spouse did what yours did to you, I'd be out like light.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

He loves you? Really? Would you do the same to him? Have you been checked for STDs? He is much too sure of you. 

There needs to be consequences. If he still having problems he is likely cheat again. You will forgive him and profess your love? . 

It's not you it's him, His problem is the effect of aging on his pluming. He may have hypertension, diabetes, or atherosclerosis. 

I doubt that your husband performance is any better with this woman. He certainly can't match what a younger man can do for this woman. Why she has sex with him? Have you looked at what he is spending on her? 

Why do you want to stay in the relationship? You are attractive and can get another man. Let him solve his problems without you to comfort him. 

He does not deserve a wife. He can have a series of young women to try to get his mojo back. It won't work. 

D him and get someone new and fresh. It would be good for you to have a younger man who are far less likely to have performance issues. You need a confidence booster. Get rid of him.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Sorry you are going thru this pain.

He should be stepping up to the plate to help you with the pain.

Has he gone NC with the OW? Has he given you all of his passwords to his computer and his phone?

Has he gone to counseling with you? What is he doing to show you that he is remorseful and trying to help you?


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Sorry for what he has done to you.I would bet
he has had more than one affair.

You are being to kind to him.Don't minimize his affair
and if he truly loved you he wouldn't cheat on you.

You deserve better.Many TAM males would love to have 
a HD wife like you.


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## eguchijw (Oct 21, 2013)

I'm still puzzled by my DH's loss of appetite for me too so if you figure it out, let me know.


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## Kisboros (Oct 20, 2013)

Hmmm...Thank you, Guys for all your passionate responses....however, what I wanted to hear from all of you whether anything like this happened to any of you and if it's fixable. We are going to counseling, and no, he never cheated before. I am doing my masters and was beyond busy this summer when this happened. Before, we knew about every second where we were and what we were doing.
I found out by accidentally checking our mutual cell phone bill. He wasn't even shrewd enough to get a prepaid phone to conduct the affair and hide the "proof". 
I am 60 and he is 65. Had it happened 10-15 years ago, I would have walked. But we invested a lot in our relationship and it's not so easy to just walk out on somebody you loved all this time. He is in the same shoes. We both considered and we got to the point that it is worth trying to work it out. Yes, we had other issues; he was very angry with me sometimes for trust issues (not sexual in nature), so he got farther from me emotionally.
We are kinder to each other; he is definitely trying to be more affectionate and loving, but this issue with sex may interfere with our attempt at reconciling.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

its a marriage of convenience for him. he would rather stay than lose half of everything. so he figures he will just play along until the situation changes. Maybe an inheritance. or something similar.

I would sit back and really look at your relationship. Is it or you as happy as a long term relationship should be. Only you can answer that. What do you love about being married to him. 

maybe his sexual problem has a porn component to it. After desensitizing himself by using too much porn he now has trouble orgasming with you.( or affair partners?)

and his age might be it. as men age they sometimes have more difficulty climaxing.

a combination of all of the above would be my guess.


Are you sure you want to try to work things out?

start snooping and make sure hes not just smarter about his activities. Before you jump both feet into taking him back.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

sixty is not to old to kick him to the curb. are you in a no fault state? you might do pretty good in a settlement. after you get your masters and start making more money he might fair pretty good in a settlement.

I'd see a lawyer and know what your up against.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

The sexual issues require a full medical work up to determine if there is a fixable cause. Usually, ED is the main issue in older men, not inability to orgasm. Is he on any medications? I found out that some antihistamines can cause this problem (it's not common, but a different medication can often fix things).

Creating more exciting sex depends on what your baseline is already, and how far it is to boundaries you don't want to pass. There are books, blogs, web sites, and other sources of information to help with ideas and techniques.

As for the relationship itself, you've decided what you want to do about that. I disagree with most here that cheating is a sign of something lacking, or that it means your spouse doesn't love you. Yes, it can be that the excitement of someone new got things working again temporarily, and that is often a motivation to cheat. Anyway, I'm not a believer in monogamy anyway - though for some people it can and does work.


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## Kisboros (Oct 20, 2013)

Oh, mine. Your posts are making me more upset than I am. He and I are very generous people; nobody wants to take the other for a financial ride. Maybe the comfort of our lives that he would lose. He is convinced that I would be able to recover way faster and find somebody because I am more social than he is. But again, I do love him. However, if this doesn't work out or there is more infidelity discovered, I'll walk. I told him that I will not tolerate it so if he wants to be a single guy, go ahead...but not with me in the marriage. The trust issue is huge though. I never had any reason to distrust him, but now I see ghosts everywhere.
I need to resolve this sex issue with him because now that I know he is still capable, I will not want to live n a sexless marriage.


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## Kisboros (Oct 20, 2013)

One more thing: he is in perfect health and shape; no medical issues with either of us.


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