# Feel marginalized as a parent



## norgie (Jun 1, 2015)

Over time my wife has made me feel marginalized as a parent and I'm really resenting her at this point. 

When our kids were younger (8-10) I would come to my to my wife to try to agree on setting rules and expectations for our kids to help them be accountable (room clean, school work, when to put away games / phone at night, etc, etc, etc.) and so they would develop good habits as they get older.

Over time the kids would gripe to their mom or they'd tell her they would do whatever (what we originally asked them to do) later... or tomorrow... or next week. I would tell them to finish what they we're supposed to do and then they'd be done... and then could go do fun stuff. (visit friend, go to mall, etc)

Cut to now. 16-18. Kids don't listen to me... only their mom. 
What I found over time was my wife didn't always agree on how we should approach the kids and if she didn't like what rules we agreed on she would just not follow through. Not that she wouldn't tell me at the time... she'd just drag her feet and not follow through.

My daughter is the older one and can be incredibly lazy. I love her but that's the truth. I would always stay on her to get her stuff done... not knowing that my wife would never back me up or even ask her to get her stuff done. Didn't matter what limits were set... mom would let her blow through them. Homework? Tomorrow. Room clean? Go visit your boyfriend first. Put your phone away for the night (11:00)? As long as Dad doesn't know.

So over time I've been the bad cop. Not really knowing my partner in marriage wasn't trying to do the same thing. And my relationship with my daughter has suffered for it. If my wife could have said in the beginning "yeah... I don't agree with any of the sh!t you want" I'd at least understand what i was working with. 

Sorry for the rant. Does anyone else feel like this? On top of this my wife does her fair share of lying (omission, redirecting, flat out lying), and manipulation (me, kids). 

I just feel so much resentment.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

That's a whole big bucket of stuff that might be better to put in front of a professional. Marriage counselling and a family counselor. 

No wonder you feel resentment, parents should show a united front and have a responsibility to actually parent their kids, not be best buddys with them. Sadly these traits are probably ingrained now in your kids and the window of opportunity to correct them is either closed or close to it. You cannot parent retrospectively, parenting starts from day one with the really critical time being up to age 7, this is when the core of a persons beliefs and morals are set by. "show me the child at age 7 and I will show you the adult".

All the best to you and your family.


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## norgie (Jun 1, 2015)

Thanks holland... You're right. I've got a bucket load for a counselor. Sadly, my wife won't change her role from placating to parent. Frustrating.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Focus on the important stuff. Like school. My daughters never did a chore in their life, but I asked them to put their time into studies or into useful extracurricular activities. 

I now have a 23 year old that needed a YouTube video to learn how to clean her vacuum cleaner filter and a 20 year old who doesn't know what a vacuum cleaner does. But they do what I asked them to do, study.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I somehow managed to study and know how a vacuum works. They couldn't manage both? Are they valedictorian and going to Yale?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> I somehow managed to study and know how a vacuum works. They couldn't manage both? Are they valedictorian and going to Yale?


Not Yale  not yet at least. 

The older is like that, a bit of a drama queen. I'm slowly getting her to think like a grown-up. Not lazy, just something not done before.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Regarding chores, yea, my kids never learned the art of operating a lawn mower or picking up weeds from the yard. Putting away their laundry and dirty dishes was about all I asked. But they focused on school, so they delivered great results and lots and LOTS of scholarships. Eventually they will learn.

The older one learned to cook and bake from YouTube. She's a phenomenal cook. The younger prefers the convenience of residence halls.

What you want to see is responsible kids, not kids that waste hours on one thing at the detriment of another.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

norgie said:


> Over time my wife has made me feel marginalized as a parent and I'm really resenting her at this point.
> 
> 
> Cut to now. 16-18. Kids don't listen to me... only their mom.
> ...


You really didn't know that you were being marginalized as a parent for years? That would be hard to miss. 

You can't change the past your wife's portraying you as the bad guy and your daughters lack of respect has been a pattern cultivated over time. 

What would you like to see happen now? How can you change your behavior now? Changing the current dynamic of your relationship with your kids might help to let go of the resentment you feel. 






Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

norgie said:


> Thanks holland... You're right. I've got a bucket load for a counselor. Sadly, my wife won't change her role from placating to parent. Frustrating.


Therapy for YOU, not her. Your therapist will help you learn how to counteract what your wife is doing.

And it's not too late for you to change how you interact with your kids. It will take a bit of work on your part, but you can re-insert yourself into the parenting. We can give you specifics if you want to give examples.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

john117 said:


> Regarding chores, yea, my kids never learned the art of operating a lawn mower or picking up weeds from the yard. Putting away their laundry and dirty dishes was about all I asked. But they focused on school, so they delivered great results and lots and LOTS of scholarships. Eventually they will learn.
> 
> The older one learned to cook and bake from YouTube. She's a phenomenal cook. The younger prefers the convenience of residence halls.
> 
> What you want to see is responsible kids, not kids that waste hours on one thing at the detriment of another.


Doesn't take hours to do chores. 

I gave my DD a new chore every year, as she got older and more capable. Put toys away at a young age, then making bed, then bringing laundry down, then loading the dishwasher, then washing clothes, vacuuming, and eventually, at 18, yes mowing the lawn. I wanted her to know how to do it all when she was on her own.

Sadly, when she went off to school, she was always the only one of the roommates who could take care of the place, lol. 

Didn't take hours away from her life. She still took AP classes and got college credit and read college textbooks for fun and had a crazy busy social life. But it did teach her discipline and to not be so self centered and entitled.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If you live in a McMansion and mom requires operating room cleanliness it does take hours


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Surely YOU aren't doing those chores, are you?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Nope. 

I do yard work and home stuff. It was not my idea to maintain a McMansion post kids. 

I told her many men in my age buy boats or classic cars and spend lots on time on them. I see the McMansion as her boat or muscle car. 

About three years ago when the younger fled the nest she saw the light and lightened up her housekeeping schedule and standards considerably.


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## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

I am not a parent so all I can offer is theoretical opinions and examples from my own childhood. I believe that parents need to be in agreement about how to raise their kids and work as a unified team or the kids will be mentally damaged as yours seem to be now.


norgie said:


> Over time my wife has made me feel marginalized as a parent and I'm really resenting her at this point.


As the other powerful adult in your home, I wonder how or why you allowed this to happen? Why didn't you take some more responsibility to do what you believed was RIGHT for your kids and your self??????



> When our kids were younger (8-10) I would come to my to my wife to try to agree on setting rules and expectations for our kids to help them be accountable (room clean, school work, when to put away games / phone at night, etc, etc, etc.) and so they would develop good habits as they get older.


That seems reasonable to me.


> Over time the kids would gripe to their mom or they'd tell her they would do whatever (what we originally asked them to do) later... or tomorrow... or next week. I would tell them to finish what they we're supposed to do and then they'd be done... and then could go do fun stuff. (visit friend, go to mall, etc)


So then why did you allow the kids or your wife to IGNORE the rules and boundaries that you and your wife had agreed upon?



> Cut to now. 16-18. Kids don't listen to me... only their mom.


They all lost respect for you because you did not BACK UP your rules and standards!



> What I found over time was my wife didn't always agree on how we should approach the kids and if she didn't like what rules we agreed on she would just not follow through. Not that she wouldn't tell me at the time... she'd just drag her feet and not follow through.


And you ALLOWED THAT!



> My daughter is the older one and can be incredibly lazy. I love her but that's the truth.


Which is usually the consequences of inadequate parenting! I don't see "love" there, I see angry JUDGEMENT!



> I would always stay on her to get her stuff done... not knowing that my wife would never back me up or even ask her to get her stuff done. Didn't matter what limits were set... mom would let her blow through them.


And you allowed that to happen!



> Homework? Tomorrow. Room clean? Go visit your boyfriend first. Put your phone away for the night (11:00)? As long as Dad doesn't know.


Why didn't dad know?



> So over time I've been the bad cop. Not really knowing my partner in marriage wasn't trying to do the same thing. And my relationship with my daughter has suffered for it. If my wife could have said in the beginning "yeah... I don't agree with any of the sh!t you want" I'd at least understand what i was working with.


I think you did KNOW - but you jut didn't care enough about your own kids to HELP them follow the rules, etc.



> On top of this my wife does her fair share of lying (omission, redirecting, flat out lying), and manipulation (me, kids).


All because you LET IT HAPPEN! No wonder your kids don't "listen" to you - they have NO reason to respect you!


> I just feel so much resentment.


I'd try feeling some kind of RESPONSIBILITY towards my kids. :frown2:


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## norgie (Jun 1, 2015)

jimrich said:


> I am not a parent so all I can offer is theoretical opinions and examples from my own childhood....or the kids will be mentally damaged as yours seem to be now.
> 
> 
> jimrich... maybe when you have a grown up relationship... some kids... and are a parent for a decade or so you might be able to speak with some experience.
> ...


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