# Double Life, have to make decision soon.



## H8M32DAY (Oct 16, 2008)

This might get kindof long, so please bear with me. First I'll start with some background information.

In 1997 I got married at a young age. I was 21, my husband was 17. We were married for 2 years. It started out great but things went really bad. He was very mean to me. I finally felt forced to leave. Believe me, I loved him with all my heart, but couldn't take it. I was angry for years but finally was able to get past it. 

Fast forward to last summer. I ran into my ex husband and things were really cool. He apologized for all he'd did and admited it was his fault. I still love him as much as I always have. He said he still loved me and regretted what he did. We talked things out for a long time and are considering getting back together.

Now heres the catch. We now live 700 miles apart and I've gotten remarried. My current husband is ok, but he has a bad hygene problem that he refuses to addresse. He is also very messy and I'm a neat freak. I'm having a hard time living like this and wish I wouldn't have gotten married again. I know it's not all his fault though. We/he is remodelinga trailer house for us to live in. I don't want to move into it. There are also problems with his mom and sister badmouthing me for no reason. 

Deep in my heart I want to move away and be back with my ex husband. I think we can work things out now that it has been several years and we've had time to mature. We talk and text eachother a lot. We are even considering counciling.

I feel like I'm living a double life because I'm acting like things are perfectly normal with my now husband. I'm also talking to my ex husband like I'm going to be trying to move back. I am torn to pieces over this. I love my ex more, but this is really hard and I know I'm going to hurt someone in the process of all this. 

I feel like I always have to be the "bad guy". I don't know what to do or say to anyone.

Thanks for letting me vent. Any advice on how to handle this would be much appreciated.


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

You have the submissive female thing going on.

Why do women love bad men.

There is a book out there on this issue.

You husband now versus what you know. 

Please go to the arms of an abuser, and face your future.

But first serve your husband with a clean no strings attached divorce first "OK".

He was very mean to me. I finally felt forced to leave. Believe me, I loved him with all my heart, but couldn't take it. I was angry for years but finally was able to get past it.


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## H8M32DAY (Oct 16, 2008)

I'm not going back to an "abuser". It's not like he beat me black and blue. He was 19, young, and stupid. It's almost 10 years later. A lot of things have happened to us over the years and we've grown up. 

I'm not one of those women you are refering to that keep going back to abusive relationships. I'm the last person who would put up with that garbage.

Sometimes people mistake me for timid and submissive because I am calm and quiet. If someone does me wrong I'll let them know and I won't have it. 

I understand where you are coming from though reidqa, I've seen women like this.


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## mas1208 (Feb 24, 2009)

Speaking from the guys perspective (and experience) your current husband at least deserves to know the truth. You say you dont want to hurt him but believe me it hurts more finding out that the person you love, the one thats been telling you that they love you is really in love with someone else. If there is a chance the marriage can be saved then you need to cut off all contact with the ex and give it a fair shot. Otherwise come clean to your husband before it goes too far, that would be even more devastating.


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## H8M32DAY (Oct 16, 2008)

I have no idea where to start as far as telling him what's going on. He knows I'm not totally happy because I complain about his hygene problems quite a bit. He never brushes his teeth, he has long hair that he never brushes and a smell under his arms that never seems to go away, even after a shower. He even backs up to me and farts on me in bed sometimes! 

I don't understand why he is like this, and something has to change. I can barely stand to even have sex with him. He does notice that our sex life is pathetic.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

You should not leave your current relationship and move directly into another. Especially one that failed the first time. If you are going to leave your husband do it on the merits of the problems with him, not because of your feelings for the X. If your husband’s hygiene is truly the problem then lay down the law with him. That it repulses you, that it is unhealthy and it must change. Poor hygiene is something I just can’t tolerate and would certainly be a deal breaker for me. If he won’t do that then leave him and take time to sort out your feelings and needs. In the mean time to give your husband a fair shot at recovery, stop all contact with the X.


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## H8M32DAY (Oct 16, 2008)

I've given up on the hygene thing. It's hopeless, kinda like when he told me he quit smoking when he really didn't. He just dosen't do it around me anymore. 

I don't want to be lurking in limbo waiting between relationships. They are in 2 different states anyway. I couldn't stay here.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

so insisting on regular showers and no piggish behavior is not possible?

I'm concerned that you see the ex in rose colored glasses and he represents escape from your current marriage.

If you must end your marriage, then do that. Jumping back into a relationship with yor ex? I'd slow down that train if i were you.

Maybe it could work, but you need to end things first and get to know the ex all over again. Ten years could be a difference, but maybe not.


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## H8M32DAY (Oct 16, 2008)

Believe me, I have insisted. He will for a day or 2 and then back to the same old crap.


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## KMDillon (Apr 13, 2009)

Taking time between relationships to focus on yourself and think through your decisions is not "lurking in limbo", it's the responsible thing to do. If you're meant to be with your ex, he can wait. You need to remove him from the picture for now.

Did your current husband smoke and have hygiene problems when you dated? Did you think he'd just miraculously change? I'm sure if he loves you he'll be willing to work on things with you if you'll only talk to him about it. What do you have to lose by bringing up this problem? (nagging comments don't count as discussing the issue)


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

H8M...
the other posters are right. I think maybe this ex hubby, represents your escape from your current hubby, who is unclean at best... as amp and mich said...

If you really can't be with your husband anymore, then you should leave, and if he won't even take a shower, then I can't say I blame you for being a little grossed out.

But don't leave, to go right back to your ex hubby... 

I know it might seem like he's changed, but you can't possibly know that , until you've lived with him again. And although I'm not saying he didn't change, or that people can't change... if he was physically violent then, the chances are, the he still has this kind of temperment.... 

You are running away, and running right back to the original problem. You need to be by yourself for a time, if you leave your current hubby. You don't absolutely Have to be in a relationship with someone , to be happy.

Be alone for a while, date... see if your ex husband is what you truly need and want... but don't do any of this, until you leave your current husband, and don't leave without a really strong fight... you married him afterall... 

I hate to see you leave one destructive marriage, to head back to your first husband, who was also a destructive choice for you.


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## H8M32DAY (Oct 16, 2008)

Ok, to clear up some things...

My husband smoked when we dated. I told him I didn't want to marry a smoker. He PROMISED to quit. I had a bad habit too at the time which I PROMISED to quit. He agreed. I held up my end of the bargain. He didn't. The hygene issue, he took better care of himself when we were dating (1yr) He thinks he's comfortable in the relationship and said once "I don't have anyone to impress". So now he dosen't take care of himself.

I NEVER SAID MY EX WAS PHYSICALLY VIOLENT TO ME. He said mean things. Called me an "upside down balloon" (fat). Told me I should have got a boob job instead of buying a car. Said he wished I'd leave, etc. He'd promise me we'd do something, then run off with his dad.

Maybe it's hard to understand, but if I leave, there can't be an inbetween. I'm sure not dating anyone else. Plus, I have nowhere to go. My parents told me not to come back to live with them and I'm not renting a place and wasting money. I have 2 old cars I work on and I can't just put them anywhere. 

If I stay where I am, I'll be moving to a trailer in a month and a half. I don't want to move twice. I guess if I move there I'll be staying.


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

The more I read, the message is clear.

My ex is exciting, I am all tinging inside on the concept.

My husband is boring.

I need the thrill, I need it now.

Please no more drama.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Well I think there was something very wrong in the first place for you to marry a 17 year old. At that age, theres a big difference between 21 and 17!

Also, if you are unhappy now with your pig of a husband you need to bring it to his attention...if you want to work it out, do it, if not, leave. Its totally understandable if you don't want to give your current husband a chance to fix things because its totally up to you! 

What I'm trying to get at is, breaking up with your husband should be completely independent of you going back to your immature exhusband. 

Now about your exhusband. You say its been 10 years and you've guys changed...well then how can you just say you love him so much? You dont even know him now because he has changed sooo much. See the logic?

You need to slow down. I can see you have self-esteem issues and really, thats not a sign of maturity. I bet you thought you were mature at 21 too...
Try to work on yourself. I think you need to see a counselor and you need to learn to act like an adult. There are plenty of fish in the sea and trying to catch one thats 700miles away while you already have a fish on your plate is just....not right. 

Take care, and best of luck.


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## H8M32DAY (Oct 16, 2008)

Tim

1. I'm aware we were too young when we first got married and that partly was why I think it didn't work.

2. My husband has had plenty of time to clean up, brush his green teeth, and brush his hair. He has time every day and chooses not to.

3. I can say I still love my ex husband after 10 years of being apart because I never stopped loving him in the first place. Now how can you know me for 0 ammount of time and know I'm immature with self esteem problems, hmmm?

4. I've had counciling for years. If talking did anything I'd be sane by now. I know so much about depression, etc, etc, I could just about be a counciler by now. I've been into that kind of thing since I was 13. It's to the point where I'm telling the psychiatrist what to prescribe me.

5. The fish on my plate is starting to smell. It's getttin a little ripe.

And reidqa- You don't know my ex. you are the one being dramatic with your poetic wannabe words.

And now, I'm going to go rescue my husband from his truck breaking down again.


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Please,

Reread this section of your post.

Fast forward to last summer. I ran into my ex husband and things were really cool. He apologized for all he'd did and admited it was his fault. I still love him as much as I always have. He said he still loved me and regretted what he did. We talked things out for a long time and are considering getting back together.


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## H8M32DAY (Oct 16, 2008)

What's your point? We talked about what happened back then. We finally talked out the what why and how everything went to crap. Now we realize what we need to do to be happy again.

And believe me, there is no thrill in moving from state to state. I've done it enough times.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Sounds to me like all you wanted is someone to validate you. Do what you want. You'll most likely go back to the ex and have it go all to crap again. Good luck, I think you're going to need it.


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## H8M32DAY (Oct 16, 2008)

I don't need validation or luck.

I'm just suprised people think it's a grand idea to live with someone who is a pig and won't clean themselvs or anything. I can clean the whole house and 24 hours later he and his mother will have it trashed. They leave garbage everywhere, litterally. Btw, having his mother here with us isn't helping. 

At least my ex is a neat-freak like I am. Who knows maybe I'll stay, maybe I'll go. In a month or so I'll be taking another vacation to visit family in the same area. I'm sure I'll go by to visit him again.


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## H8M32DAY (Oct 16, 2008)

I was alone for 3 years when I lived in PA. That was long enough.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

H8M32DAY,

No one is saying you should stay with your dirty husband. On the contrary , many on here have said that you should not have to tolerate that, if he won't change. 

We were all just concerned that you've started up this relationship with your ex husband, while you're still married, and the ex wasn't so great back then either. 

just didn't want to advise you to run away from this guy, only to jump back into a relationship with your ex. It's just that most times people do this,,, it ends in disaster.

I hope you don't feel anyone was against you, or doesn't care about your plight, but you'll find that people on here will give you their honest opinions, and sometimes they are not what we want to hear.

I personally, would not stay with my current hubby, if he was a disgusting as you say yours is... but, I also would not start up with my ex, while still married, and then go directly from my marriage into a relationship with my ex husband....

I would advise you to wait a while, find a job, if you can't afford to live on your own, can you stay with a friend, till you can get on your own feet? And then, after you've become independent... if you still want to be with your ex husband, and he still wants you... you should give it a go..

But, what you're doing, seems ultra destructive.... that is all anyone is saying.

Please think on this. Your happiness matters,,, and the way to find it is not to run from man to man, hoping to find what you're looking for. Don't take on another potentially bad situation, just because you don't like the one you're in now.... 

If it is meant to be between you and your ex hubby, then it will be... give it time...


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

LauraMacky said:


> Honestly, I don't know why you're posting and asking for help. You seem to know exactly what you want to do.


:iagree:

And no I dont know you but immaturity is coming out in your posts, your logic, and your plan of actions. 

Laura is right...why are you here? I think you DO need validation and maybe you hoped you'd get some here....did you expect we'd all just understand and encourage you to reel in your ex husband from 700miles away? It seems so, especially how you insist on saying your husband is a pig....like that is reason enough to get together with your ex husband.

Logically, the fact that your current husband is a pig and your ex husband is a neat freak are mutually exclusive. It should have no bearing on whether or not you stay in your current relationship.

Leaving your husband is one question.

Pursuing an ex husband immediately after your current marriage ends is another question.

You really DO sound immature. I suspect you have a problem with delayed gratification. Perhaps you should start there.

Sorry for being so direct...but theres no point beating around the bush. take it or leave it.


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## KMDillon (Apr 13, 2009)

I noticed you said there can't be an in between. That's a cop out. Sell your old cars, get a job, rent your own place, stay with a friend. Isn't your independence worth trying anything? What if things don't work out with the ex? You're setting yourself up to be stuck with him regardless.


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## H8M32DAY (Oct 16, 2008)

Selling the old cars, no. One I drive every day, the other runs fine.

I have a job.

I guess more than advice, I needed somewhere to vent, or get things out where I could see them. Opinions always follolw. lol.

I wish there was some kind of instant gratification. I usually wait around then the right thing seems to happen. 

I'm missing the "old days" really bad now. I hate where I live, I hate the people I'm around. The good things from when I was married to my first husband were the greatest ever. He and I both think we can have that again. Time and miles seem to get in the way. If things didn't work... who knows. I at least have friends around that area.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

well, H8, you need to do what you feel in your heart, is right for you...

I don't blame you for not wanting to stay with your current hubby... after reading your posts.. but, just tread carefully, so that you don't get yourself into an even more unhappy situation.

If you leave him, your current hubby, maybe you could just move back to the town where your ex lives, and then if you two decide to date, then take it slowly.

Just remember , problems will follow you... no matter what they are, you cannot run from your emotional, financial, or any other type of problems.... they come with you, or hunt you down...

I wish you luck.... vent here all you like, we are here to listen!


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Instant gratification gets you nowhere but feeling lost and empty. You wait for things to happen and something right comes along? Do you see how irresponsible that is? I dont mean that as an insult, I mean it in it's truest sense. 

You view the world like it just happens to you. You need to realize your actions have consequences. I think you lack that sense, and in turn you just put blame on everyone else but you.

Look, your unhappy, you married a pig, and you were previously married to a teenager whom was abusive....you got yourself into these situations. You need to stand up and take responsibility for yourself, and I dont see you doing that at all from your view of how life works. You just....wait around and let this happen and then blame others for it.

Work on yourself and make good things happen. Respect yourself and set some boundries. Who knows, you might loose some weight while your at it!


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## H8M32DAY (Oct 16, 2008)

Tim, your post makes me laugh. Waiting- wrong. Instant gratification- wrong. Make up YOUR mind. 


I'm not blameing anything on anyone. I know where my choices have got me. I only have 2 regrets in my entire life. One is that my first marriage didn't work out and the second has nothing to do with this.

To a point, yes, I do ride the breeze and see where life takes me. It's called being laid back and takeing life as at comes. I'm adaptable and don't need too much structure. I've enjoyed where life has taken me. And yes, I've made decisions on where I've gone and what I've done. 

Now if you think it is my fault and not his fault that my husband can't figure proper use of a toothbrush, go ahead and blame me. It isn't like I havent' tried to help him. My insurance paid to have NINE of his rotten teeth cut out and he still won't take care of whats left. 

I have plenty of self respect and LOL, I'm at my perfect weight. If you plan on saying my self esteem is in the dump too, you'd be wrong there. I followed the way the wind was blowing again and got my ****box chevy to idle perfect. Something the last 2 owners couldn't do. It helps if all the pieces are there. :scratchhead: 

Loosen your belt up some tim... you're too uptight.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Lol. I am too tight. I'm also very keen. You contradict yourself, but who cares. I tried helping, theres no helping someone whom doesnt want it. Theres a reason why your in the predicament your in. I would never stay with someone that has rotten teeth and is missing nine of them, it speaks a lot of their character and I wont have any part of that....its called self respect.

And you dont need structure? Marriage is very structured, and you are ready to jump in another one. 

I'm talking to a brick wall, and its sorta funny because I'm the one doing it. LOL I need to stop. 

Good luck H8M I wish the best.


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## H8M32DAY (Oct 16, 2008)

Good luck with your wife tim, you picked a real winner.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

In order to be truly happy with your lot in life I think you need to take some RESPONSIBILITY in making some of the bad decisions landing you where you got to at this point in your life. Stop being so defensive and take a long hard look at the predicament you are in. Nobody MADE you divorce your first husband. Nobody MADE you marry your second husband. Only you have made these bad choices. I think you don't want to truly feel sorrow, loss, disappointment, anger with yourself, etc.. I have been in therapy for 8 months now to deal with the truly awful year I had last year because frankly you sound a lot like I did. Always someone else's fault, never mine. It's easier to project our bad decisions and feelings on to someone else to prevent feeling what we really and truly feel about ourselves. I think you mentioned in one of your previous posts that you did see a councellor? Get a referral to a psychologist or a psychotherapist. Talk it through with a professional. Regardless of the decision you make at least you'll be happy with YOU in the future. 

The most profound relationship we'll ever have is the one with ourselves.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

1nurse said:


> *The most profound relationship we'll ever have is the one with ourselves. *


Hey I like that. Its going to be my motto for the day :smthumbup:


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

It's clear what you truly want in your heart. Don't delay then. Get to a lawyer, file and start packing. Who knows? Maybe you're right that you'll be happier with the ex. Give it a shot. Good luck.


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Tim,

Use me as an example, walked out the door.

Into hapiness that has gone strong 28 yrs now.

Go for it.


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## H8M32DAY (Oct 16, 2008)

1nurse said:


> In order to be truly happy with your lot in life I think you need to take some RESPONSIBILITY in making some of the bad decisions landing you where you got to at this point in your life. Stop being so defensive and take a long hard look at the predicament you are in. Nobody MADE you divorce your first husband. Nobody MADE you marry your second husband. Only you have made these bad choices. I think you don't want to truly feel sorrow, loss, disappointment, anger with yourself, etc.. I have been in therapy for 8 months now to deal with the truly awful year I had last year because frankly you sound a lot like I did. Always someone else's fault, never mine. It's easier to project our bad decisions and feelings on to someone else to prevent feeling what we really and truly feel about ourselves. I think you mentioned in one of your previous posts that you did see a councellor? Get a referral to a psychologist or a psychotherapist. Talk it through with a professional. Regardless of the decision you make at least you'll be happy with YOU in the future.
> 
> The most profound relationship we'll ever have is the one with ourselves.


I know where you are coming from on these things, but some you have wrong about me. I was made to leave my first husband. He told me to leave. On out 2nd anniversary he did nothing but act like it was another day. when I confronted him he told me he didn't love me anymore and wanted me to leave. What choice did I have there? I tried everything to keep us together. He refused evrything, including counciling. I was just angry at him for a long time. It was 2 years before I realized I could feel loss and sorrow and dissapointmen, and even greive for the loss I felt. 

I'd like to see a psychologist or psychotherapist. I don't have any insurance right now. Should in a month or so. Last time I saw one I was diagnosed with severe depression, borderline personality, trust and anger issues. Yeah, I'm a real screwup. 

Tell me if this would bother you... I've been sick and barley out of bed for the last 3 days. I asked my husband if he would go get me something to eat... he refused and said he had some work to do at someones house. Two hours later he called to ask me for $100 because his truck broke down. I asked him again if he'd stop to get me something to eat. Refused again. Should this make me mad or should I be slap happy that my husband won't even bring me food since there is nothing but chips and candy in the house?


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## H8M32DAY (Oct 16, 2008)

well, I've had it. I'm probably going to disappear for a few days. Maybe that will get through his his head I don't appreciate being ignored when there is something I need. I always take care of him when he is sick and this is the thanks I get. 

Keep in mind I'm not blaming him for doing things to me. I'm sure it's all my falult. Maybe I'm not understanding enough, or I'm ugly, or just plain *****y. Maybe asking for a sandwich or a plate of spagetti is way too much. I shouldn't asked for a darned thing. I'm just worthless. I should leave so he'lll have a better life.


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