# Help- 37 in a sexless marriage and it's killing me!



## Cupcake37 (Nov 19, 2011)

Hi- it's my first time here and just wanted soem advice.

I am a 37 year old female, been married for 6 years and I have two small children, 5 and 2. My husband isn't interested in sex and if I am honest he never has been. I have gone years without sex. I met him in university and we have been together 16 years. He was my best friend, we get on well and never argue and although I had concerns about the sex I didn't think it was a reason not to marry him when everything else was good. I hoped it would improve. How stupid was I?

To conceive my children I had to tell my husband when to have sex. My husband doesn't like having sex in the week as he is too tired. I remember ringing him in work, it was a Tuesday and told him we had to have sex that night. His response, " You are joking me!".

I think I turned 35 and had some form of a midlife crisis. I felt sad at the lack of sex in my life and felt that I have given him the best 15 years of my life. I wasn't prepeared to get to 50 and think where has my life gone and why didn't I do something about it. About 18mths ago I sent him an email telling him how unhappy I was and how I wanted things to change. His response to me was that what we had was reality and I wanted the fairtale. In a way he is right as I have never had the fairtale but I don't think having sex a few times a year is reality! He lives in cuckooland. He also told me that he didn't have time for me and when the children were older he would have time for me then. I struggled to not burst into tears.

I have tried initiating sex with him, only ever on weekends, he tells me he is too tired, not in the mood, too tired etc... I can't tell you how much this has hurt me and how rejected he makes me feel. On a day to day basis he isn't very affectionate and never tells me that he loves me. I suppose I have just put up with this and not really known any difference. I am not a particulary soppy person but he NEVER tells me he loves me. To be honest I don't tell him either, it's hard when somebody has hurt you so much. 

Things did improve after I sent him the email we now have sex about once every 4-6 weeks. I am not happy with this but then it's better than nothing. I honestly don't think I am going to change him and I have thought about my options. I can either leave him but with two small children I really don't want to break up the family. Or I have thought about finding somebody in a similar position to myself. Has anybody done this? Did it work? I know if he found it our marriage would probably be over but then I almost feel it's his fault what else can I do. It's not fair that we only ahve sex when he wants it, I feel that's all I ever do is compromise and I have had enough. It was our anniversary 2 weeks ago, he gave me a card. That night he gave me a peck on the cheek and said night and turned his back on me. He makes me feel rubbish!

I have seriously considered the option that he is gay or having an affair but he doesn't go out. I asked him if was gay and he said no. I am also in good shape, have been told that I look in my early 30s and take care of myself. I am slim and keep fit. Sorry, don't mean to sound big headed but just wanted to given you an idea, I haven't let myself go.

I have lived like this for years, and do know it's my fault as I have always put up with it. I didn't want to argue about it and for an easy life just let things go. I have also lacked a lot of confidence in my self and am very critical of my body and how I look. I have reached a stage in my life where I realise that I am attractive and have a good figure and could meet somebody else if I wanted to. If I had had the confidence in my 20s I would have left him but didn't think i would find anybody else. My husband is very good looking and I always felt lucky to have him.

Sorry to have rambled on and if you have got this far you deserve a medal, any advice would be appreciated
thanks
XXXX


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## Duke (May 15, 2011)

I would be ecstatic if my wife asked me for sex! A friend of ours was in a similar position to yours, 40 yo, two kids, no sex. She ended up kicking him out. Took a couple years but she found someone she's really happy to be with now.

There are plenty off men who would be happy with a woman like you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi cupcake ~

Welcome aboard. I am sorry that you are going through this in your marriage. Having a spouse not make you a priority - and in your case, your husband even verbalizing not having the time to make you a priority - can be very hurtful and demoralizing. And, it is not wrong to want a healthy sexual relationship in your marriage - it is not wrong to want your husband to desire you. Sexual intimacy is one of the cornerstones of a healthy, happy marriage.

Your case is interesting, not only because it is a switch in the sexes that are more typically seen, but because your husband has been this way from the very beginning of your relationship. As such, he may see himself as having always been upfront about what his desires (or lack thereof) are. Also, interestingly, statistically, you are not alone - as it is estimated that 1 out 5 men have low libidoes.

Solutions for Low Libido in Men

However, having a lower libido doesn't have to mean the end if a person is WILLING to work with you. How willing is your husband to work with you - does he simply think this is all your problem? It sounds a bit like that from your post.

Have you ever done any counseling - either together or just individual for you? I would suggest at least individual for you so that you have an outlet for discussing this and can start to look at ways/options to approach the issue going forward.

Has your husband ever been sexual with anyone else before you? What is his history? Does he have any sexual abuse in his past? Do you know whether he masturbates or not?

Best wishes.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I know exactly how you feel. I just posted the following on another thread. My wife has always been like this. She believes it ia all my problem being that I am a man and men all men want is sex. That is so far from the truth.

To start off, my wife and I have been together for 19 years. We have a 9 year old daughter.We just celebrated our 12th anniversay. Over the years, she has become my best and only friend. In 19 years, we may have spent a total of 5 nights apart. On most all levels we get along great.

When we met at 25 years, she was a virgin. I first thought that she was"saving" herself, so I never pushed sex. It took over a year before she let me"in" her. By that time, I was head over heels and didn't want to spend time away from her. She felt the same way. I soon realized that truly had no interest in sex. 

I would make her dinner often, buy her gifts and choclate, give her many massages to get her in the mood, Put rose petals on the bed. Write love messages on the bathroom mirror. Nothing got her in the mood

The sex never increased. three times a month was about it. I relieved myself the rest of the time. My wife knew that I did. I would say " I going upstairs to relieve myself" All she said to that was "OK".

I recently hit my mid life crisses and strated working out and getting healthy. I was never over weight. After a while women in my circle started to notice and compliment me more in a few short months than my wife did over 19 years. I feel desired by other women now when I never noticed it before. Along with that, working out and running greatly increased my libido. I made a decision that I wasn't going to relieve myself any more. For the past year my wife has been going through hell. 

One time we had sex every night for a week. Sex for her has always been painful but by the 6th night, she she was almost in tears. MY WIFE GETS IT. She is trying so hard to make me happy sexually that it hurts me. Whats the point if she doesn't enjoy it AT ALL. Not even oral. 

My wife is very beautiful and I tell her all the time. We get along so well when I am not expecting sex or when I get angry from lack of affection or sex. I do like to hold hand, hug, cuddle, with or without the sex. She never really wanted to even hold hands. We haven't said "I love you" in over a year now. I am already gone, it's just a matter of when. She is a homemaker and doesn't work. I don't want to stay together because of our daughter. At the same time, I want to always be a daily part of my daughters life. My wife and I are more like roommates who happen to have a child with some sex. Ive read so many marriage books and I know I am sensitive to my wife needs. According to the books that I read, I do many of the right things. Nothing seems to work though. Again my wife is wonderful in all other ways. She would be happy if we never had sex again. I am just at a loss with what to do


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## Cupcake37 (Nov 19, 2011)

Thank you very much for your replies, it really does mean a lot to me!

I know that if it wasn't for the children I would have left him by now. To me this is not a marriage. If I am honest I feel like a live in skivy, I do all the housework ( I only work part time 3 days a week), washing/ironing, bins, gardening apart from cutting the grass. I honestly don't know what I get out of this marriage. I also make him look normal. I am sure that people look at us and think that we must have the perfect marriage. If only they knew. I have decided that I am not prepared to leave him at the moment because of the children. We get on well, there are no arguments at home so it's not as if the children are growing up in a bad environment.

Prior to me, he did have girlfirends, but to be honest I don't think any of them were particularly long term....I wonder why? I honestly don't belive there has ever been any abuse as a child, his parents are still married and I believe that he had a happy childhood.

I just think that he is not that interested in sex. I know that I am not going to change him, if I am honest he has always been like this. I feel that my only option is to find somebody in a silmilar position to myself. I am not sure how wise this is? I wish I didn't have to but I don't see myself having any other options at the moment. I feel like I am begging my husband for sex and it's awful he makes me feel rubbish and worthless. Part of me thinks that he is clueless but how many times do I have to tell him? He can't think I am happy? After our anniversary I was really upset that he hadn't bought me any flowers( a cheap bunch would have done me, I am not fussy, it's the thought that counts) I barely spoke to him for a week. He didn't even notice....that made it even worse. He just doesn't see me. I am not sure if he loves me and I just feel so lonely, I can't imagine being like this for the next 30-40 years. When I see other people who are happy I just think why can't I have that?

Sorry to moan but I haven't told anybody about your situation they would be shocked

XXX


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Even children from happy homes can be sexually abused. Abuse doesn't know those boundaries.


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## Cupcake37 (Nov 19, 2011)

Sorry I have missed out some of your questions enchantment- not sure if my husband thinks it's my problem. When I sent him the email and told him how I felt, I did suggest counselling to him, but knew he would never go for it. There is no way he would talk to a stranger about our problems, not even sure he thinks we have problems! He makes me feel like some kind of freak! 

Also I am not sure if he masturbates. I have never walked in on him, but he works from home some days so does have time alone. I would go nuts if I saw him doing this and he can't be bothered to play with me!

Already gone- I am very sorry for your situation. It's funny because I have never told anybody about our situation and finding this site and all of these people in a similar position makes me feel a bit better, I don't feel quite so alone. Reading your story makes me sad. I would give my right arm to have a husband do what you do with your wife. My husband has never done any of those things your wife is very very lucky. I am at a loss, I don't know what else you can do, you sound perfect! Have you ever considered finding somebody else? Does it not drive you insane? I feel as if I am wasting my life being with him and what if something was to happend and I was to die suddenly wouldn't you be gutted at all the lost sex you could have been having...sorry probably not making it any better am I nice to chat anway, keep in touch
take care.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

Already Gone said:


> I know exactly how you feel. I just posted the following on another thread. My wife has always been like this. She believes it ia all my problem being that I am a man and men all men want is sex. That is so far from the truth.
> 
> To start off, my wife and I have been together for 19 years. We have a 9 year old daughter.We just celebrated our 12th anniversay. Over the years, she has become my best and only friend. In 19 years, we may have spent a total of 5 nights apart. On most all levels we get along great.
> 
> ...


I am so sorry.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Cupcakes...

I've been re reading your OP several times and it sound exactly like my life. We even had a long courtship. We just had our anniversary and was almost the same as yours. People also think we have the perfect marriage.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

WOW...I really wish I could help. There has to be something wrong with him. Abuse? homosexual (even though he says no), low testosterone...hard to say. It does not sound like he would be interested in sex counseling. Can you survive on your own? I know you want to keep your family intact, but it is not a good model of a proper husband/wife relationship for your children. You might need to calmly tell him that you are unwilling to live in a sexless marriage, so either he gets help or you will leave. If you do leave, you can do it without fighting or being nasty to each other. Make sure the children are not used as "pawns".

Did you have sex on your honeymoon? Is there ever any affection , kissing...anything?


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## Cupcake37 (Nov 19, 2011)

Already gone- if only they knew!

That girls- yes I know, but he gets on well with his parents and is very close with them, he sees them regularly and I just can't imagine that would be the case if there was any abuse. I just don't think that happened to him
XX


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## Cupcake37 (Nov 19, 2011)

Romantic guy- thanks for your reply. I wish he was gay at least I would know what the problem was! If he is gay he's not doing anything about it. He never really goes out apart to play football. I don't believe he is having an affair and I wouldn't be blind to this. It's not as if sex has ever been great and suddenly stopped he has never been interested if I am honest.

If we were to split up we would have to sell the house. We live in a very nice area and I wouldn't be able to stay here on my own. I have thought about this. I don't think moving to an area which I could afford would make me happy even if it meant being on my own. To be honest I feel as if I am on my own now. I really don't want to put the children through this, as I said the home environment is good and I don't think it's fair on them.

We got married in Mauritius and I know we had sex on the night of our wedding and maybe the following day but that was it. I think he did it because he knew he had to. Day to day, no affection. He does rub my feet in the evening I do wonder if he sees this as a substitue for sex but that's it. It was our anniversary a couple of weeks ago, he didn't tell me he loved me, nothing, felt completely empty and worthless. Some days I kid myself that I can do this but then other days I get upset and angry and want a full proper marriage.

XX


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I think you are going to have to be brutally honest with your husband. You need to tell him that you are very unfulfilled as his wife and that your thoughts are starting to stray - that you NEED his help. Tell him that you want you both to get help. If he refuses, then PLEASE go to individual counseling for yourself so that you can start to regain some of your self-esteem and self-worth. You ARE a worthwhile person who is worthy of love and devotion and if your husband cannot see that, it is a fault of HIS, NOT of YOURS.

And, please, please, please DO.NOT.CHEAT.

You want more that just sex, cupcake. You are wanting and yearning for someone to truly love you, to be not just physically, but emotionally involved with you. An affair starts out as a LIE, and those things you yearn for cannot flourish starting out as a lie. If you need some extra motivation to stay away from straying, then spend some time in the infidelity forum on this site and soak up the ambiance of pain and suffering that is there after an affair. Much better to prepare yourself for FREEDOM and a NEW LIFE with a solid beginning over that.

Consider reading the following book. Your desires for emotional and physical fulfillment in your marriage are just as important as your husband's desires.

Amazon.com: The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused -- and Start Standing Up for Yourself (9780470579909): Beverly Engel: Books

God Bless.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Do I think about other women? yes I work aroud athletic and beautiful women.

Do I want an affair? don't know. I don't want anybody to get hurt. Not my wife, not my daughter, and not myself. I don't even want the "other" women to get hurt from my sexual urge. Seems a little selfish to a point. 

I feel like you cupcakes. 19 years wasted without affection. I am beyond angry. I am just sad.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Already Gone said:


> Do I think about other women? yes I work aroud athletic and beautiful women.
> 
> Do I want an affair? don't know. I don't want anybody to get hurt. Not my wife, not my daughter, and not myself. I don't even want the "other" women to get hurt from my sexual urge. Seems a little selfish to a point.
> 
> I feel like you cupcakes. 19 years wasted without affection. I am beyond angry. I am just sad.


@Already Gone ~

Okay. I said it to cupcake, and I will say it to you. DO.NOT.CHEAT.

Now for you, Already Gone, based upon what you've been saying in your posts, where do you score on this test?

No More Mr. Nice Guy! - Take the No More Mr. Nice Guy! Self-Assessment


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Hmmm. Sounds like you know all the answers to all your questions. He's more or less asexual. Or gay.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Well I scored about a 40 on the test. Maybe higher. I put most all people's needs before mine. I hope That I never cheat. Like I said before. I don't want to hurt anybody. When other women I am around flirt and get me excited, I run home to my wife and she wants to wait for the next night to rfelieve me. I am so ready to explode and I would like her help with that. I would like to think that she would like to take care of that.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Already Gone said:


> Well I scored about a 40 on the test. Maybe higher. I put most all people's needs before mine. I hope That I never cheat. Like I said before. I don't want to hurt anybody. When other women I am around flirt and get me excited, I run home to my wife and she wants to wait for the next night to rfelieve me. I am so ready to explode and I would like her help with that. I would like to think that she would like to take care of that.


You should read the book, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" attached here and cruise around that site that the assessment was on.

http://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

And - you're ready - so go post your story over in the Men's Clubhouse - lots of men in the same boat, been down the same path who might be able to help you. 

Any reason why she won't relieve you by hand or mouth? Doing a HJ doesn't take much effort, and it wouldn't involve any pain on her side. Do you let her know that you would like her help?

Best wishes.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

My wife doesn't like anything kinky. She even hates it when we try different positions. She will say that she is not a porn star. I don't want to beg for sex. Many times it seems that way. She usually will help me out. I feel guilty afterwards because she doen't allow herself to be pleasured by it. I feel like I take her against her will to say it in a nice way!


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Sorry cupcake... Don't mean to Hijack your thread. Your story is SOOOO close to mine. You are not alone in how you feel.


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## Cupcake37 (Nov 19, 2011)

Already gone- don't worry about hijacking the thread you carry on. When you said about your wife not liking different positions etc... just got me thinking how was she brought up? Did her parents bring her up to believe that sex was dirty etc? It's a strange thing to say. 

Yes, it's nice to know I am not alone. Well another weekend has passed and no sex....again! Why am I not surprised. My husband would rather sit up watching tv or playing on the computer rather than playing with me.

take care


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> I think you are going to have to be brutally honest with your husband. You need to tell him that you are very unfulfilled as his wife and that your thoughts are starting to stray - that you NEED his help. Tell him that you want you both to get help. If he refuses, then PLEASE go to individual counseling for yourself so that you can start to regain some of your self-esteem and self-worth. You ARE a worthwhile person who is worthy of love and devotion and if your husband cannot see that, it is a fault of HIS, NOT of YOURS.
> 
> And, please, please, please DO.NOT.CHEAT.



I know you were talking to cupcakes, but this applies to me also.

Are you saying we need to tell our spouse that we don't feel loved and thinking of cheating? I already do that maybe in a passive aggressive sort of way.

I think that the love we thought we had is no longer there. We don't even say I Love You any more. We even talked about that. She just agreed with me. I think that we are in a place where we don't want to be together and we are both afraid to say it. The little sex we do have seems like we are just going through the motions. The is no connection. I don't think that there ever was one. 

We are each others best friend. If something doesn't change, we may grow to really dislike each other.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

that's a partial answer. he already knows most of that. the key is to point out how messed up it is and how drastic things have become.


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## sparky10 (Nov 26, 2011)

cupcake...

i was surfing marriage forums and came accross your post. I literally cried for you. How sad. I too am currently in a 
sexless marriage with my wife of 20 years.The background is different from yours but the end result is the same.

We had frequent sex when we first married but it has been a steady decline since then. She will not touch me nor let me touch her. She says it is because she has never learned how to
control her own life and has spent a lifetime just taking care of others. The history of our issues is so long it would require its own website but suffice it to say that there is blame and responsibility on both sides as things have deteriorated and 
frustration set in. My wife was sexually abused as a young teen by her dad and I suspect that has had a devastating effect on her. I cannot even imagine. 

She feels that anything she does for me sexually would be just "for me" and not for her so she will not go there. She says she loves me and doesn't want a divorce. I have had a difficult time getting her to understand that sex to me is a way of expressing deep love and a connection. Clearly she doesn't see it the same way. I don't know how someone can say they love you and deny such an important part of life...a sensual physical union. I know that I am so depressed and hurt that I will ultimately have to leave. Life is too short to suffer so long. There are so many of us out here looking for a loving reciprocal relationship.

Sorry for rambling on...I get so frustrated my head hurts.


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## Melanie2 (Jan 4, 2013)

Cupcake37--I feel your pain and hear you. I was just searching online for someone to at least understand what I am going through as I feel alone in this too. it's so embarrassing to tell friends and family. I wish it was easier to talk about. my husband and I have had no sex in 4 years since the birth of my 2nd child. He has never really been into sex and I too am resentful and hide it and just accept my situation looking at the positives in my life: nice home, healthy kids, etc. I mean if it's not this issue it would be something else. I just feel like the lack of intimacy really makes us more distant and although we live like roommates and I have accepted that, it makes me sad when I see my friends or think of what it should be like


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