# Blended family with 6 kids and I want to add one and he dont!!!



## mommieof3 (Jan 21, 2009)

Hello to all. This is my first post and I am looking for some help here. So here I go... 

My Husband and I have been married for 6 and a half years and from the beginning of the marriage he knew that I wanted to have another baby. We talked about it before we were even engaged so he knew what I wanted. He told me that once we were married for a few years that we would go through all of the steps to make that happen. The cicumstances are that I was married before and have three children that live full time with us which and he has been married before as well and he has three children which live with their mother. He was victimized... Oh I am sorry he had a vasectomy while he was married to his first wife. So that is what I meant by the steps to take to make it happen. So we agreed to wait a while and then have one. So we got married.

Well a little while came and went and then we found out that he was going to be deployed to Iraq and so we had to postpone a little longer. So before he left to Iraq he said to me if I make it back from Iraq then we will go through all the steps to have a baby. So Iraq happened and then when he got back from Iraq after about a year, then when the subject of wanting a baby came up and we started discussing stuff he got mad and said I could not hold him to any promises that he had made before he left and that he did not want anymore children. I felt really hurt. We had talked about kids before marriage and before deployment now he didnt want to have them. I felt as if he told me that we would have a baby when he left for Iraq to make me stay or something even though I had no intentions of leaving. Then two years later now 5 and a half years into our marriage my husband decided to appease me and get unfixed with of course his hopes to it not working and so our friend who is a urologist retied his tubes and his plumbing is working. 

Now we hardly ever have sex since his reversal maybe twice a month or once every 14, 15 days and he will pull out. I am very open about wanting a baby with him and all he can do it get mad when the subject is brought up and roll over or leave them room. Leaving me fuming and upset. Now mind you when my husband and I got married I was a single mother of three children raising them on my own and had a great job and career and I married him gave it all up and moved across the country and now the world to be with him and be his housewife. I fell that I am starting to resent and even hate my husband and fell like all of these years have been wasted time. I am now 31 and not sure what to do or where to turn. I tried talking to him about the subject but he thinks that nothing good can come out of us having a baby and I should accept it. He has even went as fart to tell me to go and get pregnant with someone else, just preferably someone of our race. And that really hurt. Can anyone give me advice on what I should do???

Thanks...


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Welcome to the forums. I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around the fact that you already have 6 children between you and having another is such an issue for you. I guess my practical side tells me (I have 3 teenaged kids) that raising them and saving for their college can be challenging enough. Is having another baby something you feel you need as a SAHM in order to feel fulfilled? Is your marriage strong other than this issue?

Being in Iraq may well have been a life-changing experience for him and there could be a number of reasons he changed his mind (fear of not being there for his children, being grateful for what he has, etc.) Was he completely on board before he deployed or did he seem to be agreeable to please you? It seems odd he reversed his vasectomy after he returned if he already decided he did not want more children...does he have a pattern of doing things to please you that he may not necessarily want and is now putting his foot down?

I do think when one spouse wants children and the other doesn't, it can be a deal-breaker. But in your case, you already have 6 between you and I personally wouldn't put my kids through another divorce because I couldn't have child #7. Why do you think being a housewife and raising your three kids with him has been a waste of 7 years?


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

swedish said:


> Why do you think being a housewife and raising your three kids with him has been a waste of 7 years?


My thoughts exactly.

To me you almost come across that you only got married in order to have another child... That might not be true, but it sure sounds that way.

I agree it's hard to wrap my hands around, because I have 2 boys, and neither my wife or I are sure if we want to have and Third. I can't imagine 7?



Let me ask you something... Do you want to have a baby? Or do you want to have a baby WITH HIM?


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## mommieof3 (Jan 21, 2009)

Sweedish and GPR;
Thank you for your replies, it has given me something to think about too. I did not get married only to have another child but it was one thing that my husband and I talked about before marriage. One of the many things that was put on the table and has now been taken off it seems. My feeling that my 7 years has been wasted on being a housewife (which I am not cut out to be but think for the last 7 years done well.) I think is due to the fact that before I married my husband, not because I did want another baby at some point in my life but because it was easier for me to give up my career and not be a provider anymore than for him to give up his. So with giving up my career and doing nothing with my time other than volunteer everywhere and help him in his job, I just now feel that I have waited for different promises to be filled and none prevailed that I have wasted my time and that I have done everything that he has asked and that I have promised so why should he not keep with just one. I have had a few good and respectful jobs, but none of them seem to be good enough and I get nagged so much that the house is falling behind, I am not taking care of him, and other things that I end up quitting and staying at home again.

Yes my husband is a wonderful provider for our family and maybe I should not be so ungrateful in what he provides, however with all of the moving that we do (5 times in 7 years), it is hard to find and keep a job that would not only contribute to the family but have to pay for child care as well. I am not the type of person to not want to contribute to our family but it is hard with our lifestyle and hard for me to deal with so I feel inadequate.

So since I am home, and our three children that live here are in school, and I take care of the house the kids and all of everything else, why would it not be a great time for us to bring our own child into the world since I have nothing but time on my hands. 

GPR, to answer your question about wanting a baby... I want to have a baby with my husband. What I do not understand and maybe you can tell me as a man, why would you agree to it before marriage and before Iraq and then after that change your mind? 

Swedish to answer this question: It seems odd he reversed his vasectomy after he returned if he already decided he did not want more children...does he have a pattern of doing things to please you that he may not necessarily want and is now putting his foot down? At the time that he had the reversal he did it to make me happy yes but it was also because it was free to have it done and it was really a once time in a lifetime chance. 

To discuss the college issues, I set up three accounts before I was married so that my three biological children's college is already paid for should they decide to go. I will not touch that money it is for them. Our other three children will go to college for free because of their maternal grandmother has paid for it. With that, financial reason to not have a child really is not the issue here. It is not that we can not afford to have another baby. Not that we have not provided for all of our children in lots of ways. I am not sure why he said yes and now is saying no. I don’t know maybe I should leave the ball in his court to decide and have protect sex until he is ready. But have the birth control be his responsibility and go from there.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

There can be so many different reasons to have or not have a baby. It's a life-changer beyond almost anything else in a marriage, even if you already have kids and are just adding one more.

It could be something as simple as that he is looking forward to that time when all the kids are gone and you and him can do things that kids don't allow you to do, like retire, travel, anything like that. I know that it's one of the major benefits of having kids as young as I did, and one of the things I think about when my wife and I talk about having another (which neither of us know if we want to or not). Maybe he's done the math and realizes that he will be X years old when the new baby is in high school, and he was hoping that he would've been past the raising kids stage of his life by then.

Maybe it could be something that he saw things while over in Iraq that changed his mind. Who knows, it could be anything. You need to talk to him and try to figure it out.

My parents were in a very similar situation as you are. They were both previously divorced. When they married, my Dad had 3 kids, my mom had 2 and all the kids lived in their home. When they got married, they had me very quickly. I was born 1 day after their 1st wedding anniversary. 

Everyone always joked that I was the "Love" child since I was the only from their marriage. That's what I was getting at with the question about wanting to have a kid or have one with him. Do you think that it will somehow complete your marriage to have a kid with him? Or do you just want another kid?

I'm old enough now to realize that going back to when I was born, my dad was 40 at the time, that while I know they love me and wouldn't ever change anything, that maybe it wouldn't have been the best thing to do. My parents at the time were financially sound. Things turned for them though. My Dad's business went under, and they filed for Bankruptcy before it was the cool thing to do. Then fast forward, my Dad was pushing 60, trying to help pay for college, while trying to figure out how to retire in the coming years. Plus for me, it changed my views on when I wanted to have kids. My Dad was older, and battered from working so hard his whole life, and just couldn't do some of those things that other Dad's could do. Like when I was 15 (he was 55), I was trying to get ready for Baseball tryouts, but my Dad couldn't come out and play catch with me, and he hated that he couldn't do it. My Dad is the greatest guy in the world, Love him to death and would never trade him for anything. But I decided, more for MY sake. That I wanted to have kids when I was younger, so I would be able to do those things with my kids, and then I would still be young enough to really enjoy life when they were grown up.

I don't know if that makes sense at all, just a story that maybe would help out.


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## mommieof3 (Jan 21, 2009)

Thanks GPR for the story... 

Well I am 31 now but if we had had a child when my husband got back from Iraq like he said we were going to try to do.. That was now 4 years ago. I would have been 27 and he would have been 35 which is not a bad age to start and our youngest would have only been 4. Which is not a bad age difference between children. Now are oldest that lives here is if we got pregnant soon would be 13 before the baby is born and the youngest would be 8 or even 9 depending on when it came. So all in all I am starting to have second thoughts about having one at all. My husband is almost 40 and would be before the baby is born if we got pregnant now. As it stands now when my youngest is 18 I will be the young age of 40. If she stays on her current tack in school and never gets behind then I will be 39 when she graduates high school. So I originally started young and built my life as I did and financially secured everything for them that they could have ever wanted and still have. My husband's job is not going away anytime soon that is for sure. And I am quite sure that we will be moving again in the next year and a half or so, so it is pointless for me to find a job. Anyhow thank you for the help. I just have alot to think about and I think I am at the point that if it happens it will happen if not I think that it will all work out in the end. Thanks again..


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