# Dreaded divorce is here



## Muniesa (Nov 12, 2017)

Hello all,

Found this lovely forum when I found out my wife cheated and I faced the dreaded reality.

Been married to my cheating wife for 4 years. We have a son who is 3. It wasn't always pretty and we weren't a perfect match from the get-go but long story short... In October I took my old phone to use it after new one had battery issues and while doing so looked at some old pics and BUM... There I found a screenshot of sexual message my wife received from her boss (wife used my old phone during summer). 

I was shocked and got instantly sick. Never would I suspect my religious wife and mom od our boy to do that nor with that guy 20 years her senior.

My reaction then: panic and fear. Instead of immediate exposure and pressure I got anxious and tried to work to make things better without saying anything to her. After few weeks I couldn't take it and asked her about messages and she said she didn't have an explanation and that those were made in a joking fashion. 

I didn't trust her of course and got her phone one day and installed software and got the proof. She was banging that guy and still doing it and in fact professed her love to him. And that first call I caught was the day I had an important medical and she didn't bother calling to check up on me. I was devastated. 

Weeks of agony, depression, anxiety (been prescribed meds and seen a psychiatrist) went by and I remained paralyzed with fear. Fear of losing my marriage and more so fear of losing my kid, with whom I spent every single day and did every possible thing for him and with him. 
I talked to her mother in hope she would reason with her. Nothing helped, she lied to her mother. Tried a counselor who was also a priest, she lied to him too and blaiming me.
Somewhere in December her mother probably tipped her off about the phone and she instead of begging for forgiveness as she knew now I had the proof, she threatened with police because I bugged her phone.

Things calmed down a bit until February where she promised her affair was over and she couldn't imagine taking away my boy but little did I know she was building a raft all along and only waiting for a perfect moment to abandon ship. 
She got a permanent job last month and announced she found an apartment 3 weeks ago. 

Her promises were lies just as she lied all thise 6 months when having an affair while I was with our boy thinking how my wife works hard. 

In last months on moments I even felt like taking my own life, I was really in a dark place. 

Here we are in March now and she filed for divorce and we have to go through obligatory counseling and to write down a plan of joint parental care (I am from Europe). 

Somehow I finally got myself to participate and we agreed on kid being same amount of time with both of us. She obviously wants to pursue her "unfulfilled life" and will thus "allow" it. 
Unfortunately there is no 50-50 custody here and courts are vehemently pro-women. There is no way I get 50-50 and I will be stuck with alimony for years. 

I can only hope of staying on her good side and hope I will see my kid that 50 percent of time and that she won't press me hard for alimony. Or... I go for full custody but courts here, statistically, give children to mothers 80 percent of time.

What can I say, I should have known better and exposed immediately and should not have been a wimp. 

And now, I am possibly facing judiciary windmills in my quest to get equal rights to be with my kid.

I have 12 days before she moves out. She said she wants to take the kid but that we will agree on visitations. Should I apply pressure now that she puts on paper (that plan for joint parental care) that kid will have my address - that part is key as then I have some chances in getting real 50-50. Or.. I just let her put her address (she is insisting) and then live in fear of alimony and when will I see my kid. 3rd option - court where my chances are slim. 

Sorry for the long post but I had to take something off my chest.

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Posted


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Muniesa said:


> Hello all,
> 
> Found this lovely forum when I found out my wife cheated and I faced the dreaded reality.
> 
> ...


Getting it off your chest isn't going to help you much. You sit around for a long time like a timid sheep.

You'll get what she wants to give you because you have no backbone whatsoever.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* @Muniesa ~ you need to man up and find yourself a good piranha family law attorney to represent you and to fill you in on both your child custody and community property rights! 

Her actions have given a halfway good attorney with plenty of bargaining information to use against her!
Act on it, and don't let her run over you any further! *


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Are you ready to expose now?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Gosh I feel terrible for you. What an awful person she is.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Dude fight for your kid! That is your kid too (hopefully). Don't let her dictate like she has done this whole thing. You have been too passive. Passive men get bullied. Fight!

Also what are you really losing here? People like your wife can't do relationships because that takes honestly and self sacrifice. In the long run she will have a much harder life then you do. She doesn't even get how screwed up she is. This is one of those situations where divorce is a blessing. Go on and find better and have a happy life.


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## Muniesa (Nov 12, 2017)

Thing is, if I go hard, I will see my kid only 2 afternoons per week and every other weekend. (She is now offering something close to equal time). 
Courts here are that biased towards mothers. Plus she's a great manipulator and is a lawyer. Me standing chance in explaining my side against her are slim in front of court. Infidelity means nothing here.
So yes, I am afraid, I am with my son every day and couldn't bear being without him. 

I did see a lawyer, psychiatrist, talked to my dad.. everyone suggested I keep quiet and take what she is "giving me". 

And yeah, I would expose everything if I didn't fear the loss of my son.

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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

If you establish nothing legally, then playing "nice" with your wife to see your kid could end at any time. You're giving her ALL the power in determining future time with your son.

I'm not trying to bully you but I seriously think that one day you're going to kick yourself for being so afraid of her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Muniesa said:


> Thing is, if I go hard, I will see my kid only 2 afternoons per week and every other weekend. (She is now offering something close to equal time).
> Courts here are that biased towards mothers. Plus she's a great manipulator and is a lawyer. Me standing chance in explaining my side against her are slim in front of court. Infidelity means nothing here.
> So yes, I am afraid, I am with my son every day and couldn't bear being without him.
> 
> ...


Just make sure its all down in writing and legal.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The key phrase is "infidelity means nothing here"... Meaning nothing to be gained. Also likely no shark lawyers...


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## Muniesa (Nov 12, 2017)

Update.

Getting a lawyer advice plus standing my ground might prove key. Was dying inside but wife succumbed and agreed to terms and I am waiting for her signature. 
So not out of the woods yet but progress has been made. 

Dragged my ass out too and got to dancing lessons (used to go regularly before I met her). Felt great to be doing things that I enjoy. 

Been reading famous Regroup thread and found some useful gems there and some for the future. 

Onwards and upwards!

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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Good to hear, fight for you children, they need both parents in their lives. 

Keep reading and learning about the divorce process. Not sure I would worry about alimony, you have only been married a short time. 

Glad to see you getting out and doing things. Make some new friends and have a good time. Enjoy every moment with your son, they grown up far to quickly.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Get a good lawyer and he will set up emergency provisions for visitation. If she attempts to block, you can have the courts overrule her and take the kid. Right now you are existing on low info, as you are frightened of her. SHE IS THE FU(KING ENEMY! Treat her as such. THIS IS WAR, you cannot nice her back and she has been running over you for months. While you were doing the pick me dance, she was getting ducks in a row. Go out right now and hire the best meanest most ornery shark you can find. You tell him what has been going on and say you want scorched earth. This needs to be done now.


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## Muniesa (Nov 12, 2017)

We agreed on 50-50, no alimony, so I am good. Not signed yet but I will go hard if she is playing me until she moves out and refuses when it comes to putting pen to paper.

You are right about me doing the "pick me" dance. I did that but not anymore and I really don't want her back. Not faking it either. Feeling of disgust overcame anything I felt for her. 

Key now is to learn from this as to not repeat same behaviour and same choices. And to do the best for my 4 y.o. 



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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

wait until everything sealed and the divorce is final then i would expose all the information to the boss's wife if he has one. until then keep quiet. but do not give her any of the evidence back.

also when it is all done remind her when their son is older you will tell him the truth.


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## Muniesa (Nov 12, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> wait until everything sealed and the divorce is final then i would expose all the information to the boss's wife if he has one. until then keep quiet. but do not give her any of the evidence back.
> 
> also when it is all done remind her when their son is older you will tell him the truth.


Will definitely keep quiet until it's sealed in the court. 

It is hard to look at the faces of people who wonder what happened, or worse: what did I do. If I lived in a country where 50-50 is normal and not considered "gift" to fathers, I would have exposed her ass the minute she said she was leaving. 

One day at the time.

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