# I don't think I want to save my marriage!



## Miserable

Hi, I am new here and here is my story. Sorry if too long. It is hard to put feelings into words.

I don't know where to start, there has been so much. I think this marriage was bad from day one. But I know that I loved my husband. But I think it has just been too much too often and I just don't think I can do this anymore. But I am so afraid of getting divorced. The affect it will have on my kids and I don't want to hurt my husband but I have been hurt so much for so long, I don't know what else to do. We have had sex issues our entire marriage. I started out being the aggressor and wanting to more than him. I came into this marriage with a low self esteem and believing that sex was the way you told someone you loved them and ultimately that all men love sex. Well that was not true or at least he did not seem to love it with me. I was so hurt everytime he pushed me away, but he always had an excuse. He was tired, he did not want our relationship based on sex, etc. Well, then it got worse. I started to realize that the only time he did want to have sex was when I was dressed up in high heels and stockings etc. Which is ok sometimes, but I noticed a pattern. That was the only way he would have sex with me. If we came home from someplace and I was ready to shed the heels and stockings and I took them off too soon, he would get angry and huff up like a kid. He refused to talk to me about it and denied anything like that was going on. It was all in my head. I had a low self esteem and this made it worse. I felt as if I was having to hide under the clothing. He never even touched me, he would leave the clothes on me to have sex. I felt like a prostitute. I got so angry after many years of dealing with this, or not dealing with it, that I stopped doing it entirely. So needless to say, our sex life became non-existent. Well, then my teenage daughter from a previous marriage became pregnant at 16. My DH had adopted her and I thought would be her daddy no matter what. But when this happened, our family imploded. He wanted her to give the baby up for adoption, we both did. But when she would not, he became so angry that he went to far. He did things that were unfogivable as a parent. He took her pictures off the wall while I was at work. He refused to talk to her. It was terrible. He was so hurt that he had not made any "difference" in her life that he was very hurtful to her and not supportive to anyone. She and I faught all the time and finally she left to go live with the babies father for a while. She would not have it any other way and she was tearling our family apart to get there. I forgot to mention that at the time she gave birth, I had just had a hystorectomy and was suffering post partum depression from my two babies who were 3 and 5 at the time she gave birth. So needless to say our lives were complete termoil. Well, my granddaughter is almost 4 now and my young children are 8 and 6 right now. I dont get to see my daughter and the baby much but things between she and I are much better and she has moved on and is trying to be an adult and take care of her child and doing ok for her age. My dh is still struggling with it all but is some better. But their relationship, what little there is, is only there because I am constantly "fixing" things. I am so tired of doing that. I am so tired of explaining to her what he said and he did not mean it that way and that he does love her. I want them to work it out, but he is hard headed and has not made the effort I think he should have made for his daughter. I feel like she is "my" daughter and has been all along. He gave her up at the first sign of a problem. He is a loving man with my two younger kids and probably a better parent than me right now. I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and with having the hystorectomy, I could care less if I ever have sex again. And with all our problems, I don't have the desire to be with him in an intimate way. He has always treated me as if the problems I think we have are just in my head. But he has no desire for sex either. Before we met, he use to go to strip clubs with his friends and so forth and I think there is something in there that is messed up. Maybe he has a fettish and can't move past that. We have had sex some in between and I have not dressed up so I think his age has helped him get past some of that. But last week when I went for a job interview, I wore a skirt and hose and he wanted to have sex and I just could not stand to let him touch me. I felt so hurt because I knew he only wanted me to do it because of the way I was dressed. I have gained alot of weight due to my health issues and the hystorectomy but he has a gut now too. And the fact that when we got married I was very thin and rather attractive and he still did not have a sex drive makes me think there is definitely something else going on. We went to counseling for a while but did not get very far. He is in complete denial. I don't know what else to do. I feel like I am in a loveless marriage. But I don't want to destroy my kids family. I also dont know what to do from here. We have been married 14 years. How do I start over? How do I make him realize how the hurt from over the years is still there and that he has never dealt with any of our problems and therefor they are still there. Any helpful advice would be greatly appreciated. I would love to make a friend who has been in a similar situation and can be a support system for me. It is hard to talk to anyone near me about this. Thanks.

Marie


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## justean

hi marie, right then, your not mad, nuts or going insane.
your perfectly fine, you just have too much going on in your life and your having difficulty separating them.
i am a theatre nurse - assist the surgeon. so i know what you have had done is a major operation. ok it was a few years ago, but your still struggling and with you post partum depression. 
you are normal. 
you just need to put things into perspective.
your a good wife and mother and most ppl on this forum have the same marriage issues. 
just remind yourself , you are no different.
ok so you put on weight, its normal after a hysterectomy and depression.
also research proven for every 10 years we actually put on a stone, this is due to a decreased metabolism. but you can lose weight.
this is what i do. it might not suit you, but its easy.
breakfast for breakfast, breakfast for lunch and a decent t time. dont eat after 8 pm . and no snacks. 
what are your hobbies or interests.
i dont go to gym, but at home in my own privacy, i stick on the music full blast and dance to keep in shape. this does not have to be strenous as it probably sounds. get the children to join in.
you need to focus on you at the moment. 
your children will be fine, they will come to you because you are their mother. once you see a difference in you, then the rest will see. 
you can change mind and body.
you do care about sex, but you need to find that boundary thats comfortable for you. 

im going to write this in sections, because i dont want to lose what i have written to you. this is my second go at writin this.


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## justean

my hubby has hrt me loads emotionally over the years, drinking, no consideration for us as a family, mates first.
but they are men , unfortunately its a bad excuse, but it really is because they are men. they really are from mars and us from venus.
most men are in denial. my hubby used to get aggresive with drink and was moody and short tempered. but i guarantee you 100% next day , the day b 4 wouldnt have happened. its because they dont want to acknowledge there behavior, yet as women we could stay in a mood for the next 3 days. but you still wont get them to listen after 3 days.
my hubby actually had to admit to himself he had a problem. #
he went to our gp and they gave him an anti depressive.
i must say i had the most wonderful husband in 13 years, loving , good husband and even better a fantastic father. 
3 weeks later he had a one night stand. april 8 08. but he was fuelled with drink and taking those tablets, whilst also being egged on by a supposed mate. well lets ust say what a mad combination.
we r split at the moment, but he came home after a holiday. 
we take things day by day.
but he did get rid of his stupid friend, that i had warned him about for the past 6 months. and his drinking improved.
but our sex life was and has been always good. 
you can improve this. but this wil take time.
? what do you want from sex.
my hubby asked me to do something, that i did not want to do.
but after doing it for him, the act i still wasnt fussed on .but as it turned him on so much, his being turned on actually turned me on.#
so the act took a different perspective.
at your moment, you need a pick me up, can you arrange to go out with a mate to a club . either way you need to smile and dancing allows you freedom. you can made good decisions, as dancing pushes up your endorphins, they give you the good feeling, because something like dance is doing multiple things, like you tone up and lose weight and smile.


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## Miserable

Thanks so much for your kind words of support. It is so hard to put a lifetime into words and not have it take pages. I think the real problem is that all the hurt feelings over the years, him not wanting to be intimate with me and pushing me away and not being there for me and supporting me, have just snowballed and I don't know if I can ever get past it all. I mean, if someone says they are sorry you are suppose to forgive them right? If you love them. That is what I was taught. But how can you truly forgive when the person says I am sorry but only to keep you from talking about it anymore. They don't really admit any wrong doing or understand the pain they caused. Saying I am sorry is not enough. And he has not really even done that. I don't mean to make him out to be a monster. He has never hit me or been abusive in any way. But feeling that your husband does not want to be intimate with you (not just sex) can really take a toll on you, especially when you already are prone to low self esteem issues. Like I said I had a daugther from a previous (very abusive) marriage. And the reason I fell in love with my current husband is because of how he was with my daughter. I don't know if I ever was truly "In Love" with him. I just wanted so much for her to have a good daddy and I figured that as long as he was good to her, the rest would fall into place. But I never put any thought into my happiness. I mean, I did love him, but i don't think he was ever "In Love" with me either. There was never that period where he could not wait to be with me and could not keep from touching me or holding my hand. I needed to be loved and held and in an intimate relationship. But what I got was a roommate. I had to have surgery in order to get pregnant with my two youngest (ours together) due to female problems after my first. So they told me that we needed to try right away to get pregnant in case I later had more problems. I felt like I had to beg him to have sex. And it was not over a period of time mind you. I knew when I was ovulating and only initiated sex when I knew I could get pregnant. But he always had an excuse, I am tired or I don't feel like it. I got pregnant anyway, thank god for my family being fertile. And I thought, I am doing this for him in a way. I mean I wanted a baby with him, but I could have just had my daughter, if that makes sense. I had surgery and had more children for him, to make him happy. And then I felt so let down during my pregnancies by his lack of concern, and the fact that he was so distant. I still feel anger over that. I think I resent my own kids in a way, and I know how awful that sounds. But he is a good father and loves them so much and puts them first always, and I will never have that from him. I think he was just raised that sex was not important, I don't know. I know he has a fettish about high heels and stripper type clothes and that really caused some issues and that too was never resolved. I just got so tired of it that I just refused to do it anymore. So here we are... I get frustrated and try to talk about it, but he just looks at me with that look of "Oh no, here she goes again". He does not say anything. I would rather he yell at me or hurt my feelings but at least be honest about why he does not love me. I dont' mean to make this sound like it is all about sex. It is about intimacy. He never touches me, he almost never kisses me, we rarely even sit next to each other. All he does is work and do stuff with the kids. I know he has to be as miserable as I am. So how come he wont admit there is a problem. I have told him that due to the hystorectomy and a & p repair I had less sensation and that intercourse is hard for me and that I need external stimulation. I am shy but I did finally manage to bring in something to sort of help with that. He laughed and made me feel so bad I would not try to use it again. So if and when we do have sex, it is not enjoyable for me and he does not even care. He just acts like, oh well, she wont like it anyway, I will just do my business and go to sleep. And I just feel so used and I just can't take it anymore. It is hard to feel like doing that with someone that hardly touches you or spends time with you any other time. Sorry so long. I just don't know how to shorten it. Thanks for listening.

And Iif I can ever be an ear for you, I will sure try.

Marie


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## justean

reading your email, he really shows you nothing.
when i have those times. 
i think you have to detach yourself in your head.
if you have no expectation of what you want, then obviously you dont expect n e thing to happen.
can you separate your mind from your body.
i dont think or should i say i think its sad when couples are not close , dont show n e intimacy. 
but you do sound very alone.
i know what your saying about sex, its not all about that.
but you still need the drive from your partner that you know your still wanted. i,e through intimacy and touch.

you have definately had a big operation. hysterectomy and anterior and posterior repair.
unfortunately he does not seem or want to consider what you have gone through or your needs.
with relations to your downstair departments, you need time when adjusting for sex and lubrication. have you tried a ky jelly. 
but then if he makes you feel you do, laughing at you , is a put down, especially when you have worked so hard to try.
i dont want a marriage like that either.
could you ask him to leave for a while. with you being serious.
if he ok with the kids , can you go out for a night with a mate.
if he takes the children out , say that you would like to go with them.
i think it just depends what you want to fight for.
a loveless marriage is a difficult one. 
i did that with first hubby, thought i loved him, but i did not.its because i married for the wrong reasons. but if you do separate from a loveless marriage, you will actually find you will get over it easier than in a loved marriage.
what i found was and maybe not for you at this moment, but you might be doing something innocent e.g like cleaning and all of a sudden a smile will come over you, you will one day find an inner peace.
this will come when your ready to let go and by that point you wont worry about the sex, or intimacy from someone that simply wont change. because by then you would have changed.
its you that has to move on and there is someone who would love you for who you were and respect you. and be gentle with you


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## Miserable

Here is the problem with asking him to leave. The house was originally his. Although it is now in both of our names, he built it way before he met me. And, his mother lives next door. So that would not go over very well. That is another part of this that really bothers me. I really care about his family. They are like my family in many ways. I really don't want to lose them but I know that I will if we get divorced. Especially his mother. She will be so upset that she will not forgive me. I also don't want to get into why we would be separating, and I am so afraid things will come out that would hurt them. I don't want that. I just want to be loved and to be a part of someones life who wants me to be a part of it. I don't want to feel so left out and alone. I don't want to continue to feel this anger and resentment any longer. I want someone who will at least try to communicate with me. Someone who will put our relationship at least toward the top of the list. And that is not going to happen here. I know that. I just have to decide if I can live with it or not, and I don't know if I can. I know that if I leave I will be lonely, but for some reason, being lonely in a house with the man you love, and not being loved back, is worse than being alone. I lhave lost more and more of myself over the years. Doubting myself more and more as time went on. Wondering what is wrong with me that makes him not love me. It has worsened my self esteem issues. My first spouse was very mentally and physically abusive and that destroyed my already low self esteem, but I thought that things would be so different. I am not putting all the blame on him. I don't mean to make it sound that way. I know that my self esteem issues are part of the problem. But how can I feel better about myself when my husband does not love me or want to touch me or hold me or kiss me? How can you feel good about yourself when you are basically abandoned by your spouse in your own home? He says he loves me and I think in some ways he does. I love him too. But we are not In Love. They say if you can imagine your life without your spouse/partner and it does not break your heart, then it is time to go. Well, I can't really imagine my life without him, but I do want to alot of the time. I think if I lived on my own and we could just be friends that maybe we could see where it went from there. I don't really have hopes that it would get better, but who knows. I can't imagine it getting better like it is. I also worry because it is such a small town that things would eventually come out, out of hurt and anger, that would hurt us both. There are things I don't want his family or mine to know about our lives. I just don't know where to turn. We can't afford counseling and have tried it before and I don't think he listened to them anymore than he does me. He is just not good at communication. He just wants to work and pretend like things will be ok. His mother has talked about her relationship with his father who passed when he was 19 and I don't think they were at all romantic. He was a hard worker and a good provider, but they did not go out on dates and they did not do things together. But she remarried and her second husband who I knew, was very romantic and spoiled her. But Stan was already an adult and did not really get to see that. So I think alot of it has to do with that. Sex was never talked about either. They were a very conservative family. So when he got married and his first wife ended up cheating on him, it sent him into a whirlwind. He was a mess according to his family. Had to go to counseling to recover. Then he went back to college and started hanging out with college kids and going to strip clubs etc. When I met him, he was still doing that some, but not much. But I think somewhere in there he cracked and his reality is split. He thinks you are either non-sexual or you are living a fantasy, no in between. No romance, just sex. And once he realized the fantasy was over, he just gave up sex. But I am no doctor, so what do I know right. Anyway, thanks for your support. I don't know what I am going to do, I just know that I do not want to make the wrong decision and hurt my kids if I don't have to. He is great with them and I could leave them with him, but I don't really have any friends that I would trust and don't care about going out. I think we have both put everthing we have into our married life, work, kids etc and don't really have outside lives and that may be part of the problem. I will give that some thought. Thanks again. Your advice is much appreciated.

Marie


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## justean

hi marie, chat all you like, its not a prob, if you have a look into my profile , you will c a pic of me. atleast u can c who you are emailing . you can always private message me. i dont mind that either.
you can make you relationship better if thats what you both want. 
there are times you will want your own space, and so wil he.
at least your honest about not bothereing to go out. thats fine to.
i promise you dont have to be a dr to sort things out. 
i dont and havent tried counselling , and believe me my relationship is trying enough at times and we bin together 13 years. but some how and i think its because of my personality and nature, yes i do get down and have depressed moments, but i am a fighter and i will all the way.
i can see what your saying about family, and i see thats very important. 
i can see where your coming from on your angles.
but you also have many doubts.
we all change over time and as you know when you change within a relationship, we have to adapt to keep on moving within that relationship.
besides his family, you seem quite isolated.
ok i wil ask you some questions,
i know this is daft but i wrote on this forum to a bloke having a crisis, i asked him for him and his wifes star signs, i promise he actually said it was a good way of healing and coping.
would like me to have a look at you and your hubbys. i will write the details to you.
n e thing is worth a shot.

this is my life in short terms. 1st hubby abusive physically and emotionally. he had affairs all over place. my 2 nd hubby, we split up a few times for different reasons. stress, life in general ,fell out of love and my last one infidelity.
my other issue through was 2nd hubby, very moody and aggressive in tone (short fused) but alot of this was generated through drink and some of his friends endless games to split us up. 
with regards to my hubby having the one night stand april 8 08, hubby had only three wks earlier gone onto see our dr who suggested depression,he got paraletic in drink and on these tablets and egged on by mate, who was getin married may 16 08.but i promise i had the most amazing hubby for 3 wks until the event in april. good dad, i havent always seen him as a good husband, and i can relate to some of the things you say. 
but we cant have everything. i have times of feeling sick through the stress and losing and gaining weight. times when i love him, i hate him, i want to be single, i want to meet someone else, i want a divorce, a separation.
ok im working through this new issue and the lastest one.
we separated but after our hol in may (the best hol ever) came home to a change of hubby again - did not want to fight for me and im sure you are having those same moments. (this was recent for me). my hubby and i dont have outside lifes. we take our boys out together now and again. since his infidelity issue he has given up the stupid mate and changed in drink, although whatever amount he has, i cant stand seeing him go slurred etc. ( i rarely drink).
i went out every weekend after our issue, but now i have gone back into im ok now. i can understand men, but sometimes i just cant take him for who he is, because i have a woman brain. if that makes sense. we dont have eachothers interests. i have a horse - he no like. i bought him a boat a few yrs ago, i no like.
honestly i probably have a similar life in some of your aspects and i actually look at my marriage and think why the bloody hell are we still together, when we really do come from opposite sides of the planet.
but one thing i make sure we do , is have a holiday every year.
i think that important. i do go out to work events and nights. ok i go with other ppl. yes i do get upset that hubby wont dance with me and stuff like that. we dont have breaks from the children, but we do have a hotel night once in a blue moon. 
but personally things are so expensive that when your in a marriage, well you know where the money is better spent, so thats why we forget to do all that stuff. 
so here is what i do , my kids are my life, my horse is my hobby, she sets me free from the mundane pressures of life. my favourite colour is green, so i become invisible in the countryside and lanes that we walk through.
hope im not boring you at this point.


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## justean

i might have issues with my hubby, not sure if im coming or going, divorce, separation. but after our hol he moved back in . its hard at times, but were living day by day. were not rowing. our children are fine.
as we dont have "outside interests". i make our home our interest together. its one place were altogether. so i make the most of that;
why dont you try that. play games together. hide and seek. monopoly. read with the children. we do those things with our children.
and of late on weekends we invite my brothers and their children for a bbq afternoon. the children play on the climbing frame and we all get merry. ( me on my lemonade).
suggest going out together. are you active.
but i suppose why am i still here. 
i know the grass isnt greener.
i am in my own safety net. my children are stable.
i am secure and do i really want a divorce. the answer is no.
but we did have a separation and since him being home, i have probably spent more time on the settee than in the bed together as a couple. but thats what we needed. 
through this period, we talked and talked, i told him what i needed and although i wont forget, i am gradually moving on within this relationship. 
i think you need to break down some barriers, some u can do yourself, push yourself. 
make moves on him.
my hubby not into sex as much as me, but usually tired from work and he has a degenerative spine. but then if i want it, again i initiate. sometimes i just have to do everything because he cant move. but i have to change how i think to adapt to the situation.
i hope some of this is helping.
most men wil prtend everything ok. its how they deal with issues. after my hubby did the deed. he totally shut up shop. just wanted it all to go away. hates the thought of it.
where as i want to discuss to move on - but how can you move on if you keep bringing up the past or the issue.
i either want to move on or i dont. answer is i do want to move on.
i think you just feel stuck.
but you can do it. no one has it perfect.
i promise there is nothing wrong with you, you need to find yourself.
it took 10 of being with my second hubby, that i actually called my self attractive and you know what , i am attractive.
i would have never had said that b 4. but you have to fight.
my ex used to say i was ugly and fat and who the f==k would ever want me, i got beat with a ski stick on our honeymoon and slapped and punched every month, when it was his monthly period.
that stopped when i stabbed the bas++++ in the arm. to this day 13 yrs later he still tells ppl what i did, but wont tell them why. 
piece of shi== he is. coward.
but when you look at this, he did all those things for his own insecurities. he was having the affairs - so guilt. im not ugly. im a lovely person.
but honestly thats why u have to sort u out. 
how are you living - sep beds. 
do you want sep beds for a little.
i just think you need some u space. no it doesnt mean the end. what would your hubby be like if you were to say you need some time. just say a couple of wks. you know the children would be fine.

a recap - you are not living his families life - your living your own life.
i know this is hard - but you cant keep living the past.
no more doubting yourself. i rarely do that. 
there is nothing wrong with u. u need to stop your negative aura around you. because your doing that to yourself.
i have been so lonely at times, feel like your a one parent family, yet hubby is in the house, you feel like hes a lodger.
believe me i have been here , in order to live on your own, yes its hard . but you like yourself in order to live with yourself.
you dont have that at the moment. thats why you have so many doubts.
try doing things your way and atleast have an interest. take the children out. socialise - no this doesnt have to be partying .
i wil talk to n e one. but if you go to a park. you just talk. you wont pour your feelings out. (i would) but you need an opportunity to get to feel that you are a good honest person.


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## Miserable

I have not posted in quite a while. Was not sure if I should start a new thread or just post to this one since it had my story already. Today is our 14 year anniversary and I am absolutely sick and tired of playing this game. I am so miserable that I am mean to everyone including my own kids. I am just so unhappy all the time. We still don't talk and I have not touched him or been touched since my last post. Nothing. I am so sick of my friends who don't really know everything, trying to tell me to try this and that, when they dont know the whole story. Why should I try? What is he doing to help our marriage? Why should I be the only one? If he does not want sex enough to even try, then obviously there is no point. I do want to have sex, I just don't want to have it with him. And I don't want to have it with anyone else either. Does that make sense? I want to have it with the man I thought I married. But I guess that will never happen. I will never have a man that loves me the way I need to be loved. Who will touch me and hold me. Someone who really cares how I feel. Someone who listens and will talk to me and not just sit there and ignore me. He is so much better at parenting than I am but he sucks at the husband thing. I wish I could leave. I just don't want to do that to our kids. And where would I go? I would not be happy alone either. But living with a man who does not love you is somehow worse than being alone. I just don't know what else to do. He blames my moods and our problems on the fact that I have had health problems. He refuses to believe that the majority of our problems are based on the fact that he wont listen and he wont understand how I feel and he is never there for me. Anyway, just had to get that off my chest really. I dont guess there is any point posting if I am not going to do what is suggested and leave him right? I just want to die. I really do. 

Marie


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## Earthmother1970

Hi Marie, 
I don't think I want to save my marriage either, so am in somewhat of the same boat as you. Between the guilt trips, the constantly being taken for granted, the porn watching, the selfish behaviour towards me and our children, the criticism, my apparent inability to ever do everything exactly right, or at least a feeling that I should always do better, the feeling that I should always be seen to be doing something when he walks through the door, and the dreadful sick feeling in my stomach that never seems to go away unless he isn't here...and as for sex? Like you, I would very much like to have some, with someone who actually appears to be interested in my needs and not just in getting what he wants out of it. Communication is a dodgey issue at best, and my attempts at it with him have always wound up with me feeling like it is all my fault, and feeling extremely defensive over having any feelings at all. 

So you are not alone out there in wondering why you are bothering to stay in a situation which makes you miserable and emotionally dead inside. All the dreams I had feel like they have been squashed under my attempts to be the person he wants me to be...but I am never going to be that person...no matter how hard I try, I will always be lacking something...it feels like an impossible task.


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## voivod

you know what sucks about all this??? are we the only ones that we can be totally open and honest with??? is it all right here? does the rest of the world suck that bad? i am so sorry you both have it that bad. i would give 1 million dollars to be able to make amends and you both feel like you do. the world ain't fair.


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## Honey

Hey, watch it, love. I'm not from Mars. I am from Earth. 

If you are so unhappy, never be afraid to get a divorce. Staying in a marriage were the kids see ya cry, yell, fight, throw things, say I am leaving when the kids get out of school isn't good for kids to hear and see either. I think it is worse on them to take and hear it everyday, than to just go on and end the marriage. Just my opinion.


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## voivod

Honey said:


> Hey, watch it, love. I'm not from Mars. I am from Earth.
> 
> If you are so unhappy, never be afraid to get a divorce. Staying in a marriage were the kids see ya cry, yell, fight, throw things, say I am leaving when the kids get out of school isn't good for kids to hear and see either. I think it is worse on them to take and hear it everyday, than to just go on and end the marriage. Just my opinion.


why would you say that in front of the kids??? "i'm leaving when the kids get out of school." that's a huge burden to put on school kids. could you maybe either alter your choice of words or pick a better time to tell your partner.


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## swedish

voivod said:


> why would you say that in front of the kids??? "i'm leaving when the kids get out of school." that's a huge burden to put on school kids. could you maybe either alter your choice of words or pick a better time to tell your partner.


lol voivod...i can picture you doing this :scratchhead: right now as I was thinking the same thing!


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## voivod

swedish...

nice to see you back on the forum...i've missed you....


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## swedish

was traveling for work and hotel internet connection was slooow..so was browsing but not posting much....but I see you've been active on many threads giving insightful advice


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## voivod

the clarity of sobriety works wonders!


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## Blanca

Miserable said:


> Why should I try? What is he doing to help our marriage? Why should I be the only one?


I definitely know how you feel. My H is a porn addict. I got so angry one day wondering why i was the one that had to try, why did i have to be the one to create peace, and why should he get to do nothing while i fix what he destroyed??

but you answered your own question. Your angry, your hostile towards your kids, you want to die. Is this how you want to feel? You dont have to necessarily work to fix your marriage, but just ask yourself, do you even like yourself anymore? Are you proud of yourself and your own behavior? You dont have to try for your marrriage. You just have to try for yourself and for your kids. Try so you can feel good about who you are and how you've behaved that day.


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## Honey

voivod said:


> why would you say that in front of the kids??? "i'm leaving when the kids get out of school." that's a huge burden to put on school kids. could you maybe either alter your choice of words or pick a better time to tell your partner.



I never did this, but I know a couple that did. I felt very sorry for the kids too. I would be there and one would talk about the other, then when the other one wasn't around the same thing.


I am so sorry if I have upset anyone by posting this.


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## voivod

Honey said:


> I never did this, but I know a couple that did. I felt very sorry for the kids too. I would be there and one would talk about the other, then when the other one wasn't around the same thing.
> 
> 
> I am so sorry if I have upset anyone by posting this.


no one's angry...the beautiful thing about these forums is they require stark honesty...if you had to worry about someone being angry, this place wouldn't work...and it DOES work...my statement could have easily made YOU or someone else angry...nobody called me out on it...maybe it helped someone NOT use those words...see...it all works out...


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## Zapp Rowsdower

Earthmother1970 said:


> Hi Marie,
> I don't think I want to save my marriage either, so am in somewhat of the same boat as you. Between the guilt trips, the constantly being taken for granted, the porn watching, the selfish behaviour towards me and our children, the criticism, my apparent inability to ever do everything exactly right, or at least a feeling that I should always do better, the feeling that I should always be seen to be doing something when he walks through the door, and the dreadful sick feeling in my stomach that never seems to go away unless he isn't here...and as for sex? Like you, I would very much like to have some, with someone who actually appears to be interested in my needs and not just in getting what he wants out of it. Communication is a dodgey issue at best, and my attempts at it with him have always wound up with me feeling like it is all my fault, and feeling extremely defensive over having any feelings at all.


I'm the husband instead of the wife, and neither one of us is addicted to porn. (How's that for an introduction?) Otherwise, this describes my marriage to a T. My wife and I are seeing a counselor next week, but my big fear now is not that we'll break up, but that I'll somehow get guilt-tripped back into staying.

I am worried about how separation and divorce will affect our little boys. But you know something? Since things have started going south and I've started pushing back against my wife's bossiness, neediness and entitlement mentality, I'm feeling freer to raise the kids how I see fit when it's my time.


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