# Coping after divorce



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

All the regulars here know my story. I've been divorced for 9 months after my wife wasn't happy anymore. I think I'm past her now as far as being down in the dumps and wanting her back.

Things just feel weird now. It feels like 18 years of my life was wasted. There are a lot of things in life where you start all over, but marriage just doesn't seem like one of them. I know people can say, "remember the good times," which there were, but divorce just seems to destroy all that. Why would anybody want to share 18 years and then start all over? 

Having young kids makes it difficult too because there has to be some contact. Like i said, I'm no longer crying my eyes out, but it just seems weird to talk "business" with a woman that i was married to for 18 years. I don't need someone new to move on at this point, but it would be nice to just be able to completely sever all contact. Being in a small town doesn't help either.

It hurts also to think that my kids might someday be living with another man, when they didn't need a new father at all, it wasn't necessary. I know I'm far from the first person who has ever experienced this, but it just seems so weird. It's like 18 years of my life was a dream.

I'm not sure there is a question here, but just an update.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

South:

I was just thinking about you this morning, noticing that you hadn't posted in awhile. I hope you can take comfort in the fact that there are a lot of other people here in your position, that others are going through the same thing. 

I look forward to you coming out on the other side and then helping others through the pain and confusion.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

Only 3 1/2 weeks here and it seems weired to me. People say the pain will go away but I think there will always be a scar here. Sorry. Hard for me to sugarcoat this.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

lovesherman said:


> South:
> 
> I was just thinking about you this morning, noticing that you hadn't posted in awhile. I hope you can take comfort in the fact that there are a lot of other people here in your position, that others are going through the same thing.
> 
> I look forward to you coming out on the other side and then helping others through the pain and confusion.


Thanks. It makes me feel good to know that I'm not forgotten. 
Posting less is partly due to summer being over and work is back in full swing. I also feel i have asked every question a thousand different ways, and i don't think i will ever fully "understand" why it happened, so I'm just moving on. 

As for giving advice, I haven't done much of that. I feel like I've failed, so what advice could I have? That may change, though.

I really like this site. I appreciate all the advice and everyone putting up with my questions. I'm sure there have been times when someone clicked on my post and thought, "Oh no, it's the same old question again!" But nobody ever gave me a hard time or tried to make me feel stupid, they just jumped in and tried to help. Thanks to everyone!


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## walkawaywife (May 24, 2011)

it's been 3 years for me and i just now stopped feeling like an alien. for two years, i hated family gatherings because it just reinforced i was alone and a failure. it will get better. 

i i struggled too with feeling i wasted my life. i was very angry for a while. i moved past that and just thankful for whatever i have left. you will too


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## smartyblue (Jun 22, 2011)

walkawaywife said:


> it's been 3 years for me and i just now stopped feeling like an alien. for two years, i hated family gatherings because it just reinforced i was alone and a failure. it will get better.
> 
> i i struggled too with feeling i wasted my life. i was very angry for a while. i moved past that and just thankful for whatever i have left. you will too


3 years? Oh my! I'm at the 8month mark. I know I have to move on. I just know I do. Im focused on being hurt and wronged and how unfair it all is. And how much fun he's having with his new girl. It's heart breaking. How did you eventually stop hurting? Is there a secret or is it just good ole time?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

smartyblue said:


> 3 years? Oh my! I'm at the 8month mark. I know I have to move on. I just know I do. Im focused on being hurt and wronged and how unfair it all is. And how much fun he's having with his new girl. It's heart breaking. How did you eventually stop hurting? Is there a secret or is it just good ole time?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was about to ask the same question. I feel like I am moving on. I'm doing what i want to do and enjoying myself as much as possible. One of the hardest parts is attending school events for my kids where she is there. It's just weird.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi southbound ~

I was wondering about you too! 

I've never been divorced so cannot talk about first-hand knowledge of what it would feel like for a person, but I can see that there could be a lot of pain and confusion afterward when there are children involved.

You know how they say that 'time heals all wounds'? Well, given time I am sure that the pain will lessen. I like the following quote, because you don't just have to sit around waiting for that time to pass. You need to make the most of the opportunities that you have and CREATE new opportunities - especially with your kids. Spend as much time as you can with them being a great influence to them. Make sure they know you love them and are always their dad even if you may not be there all the time.

"_Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity_." ~ Hippocrates 

God Bless.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

As far as the last 18 years being a waste, we have a family farm, but we are currently just maintaining it. If I had known this, we could have had a big operation going, but as it is, it would take a fortune to get things going.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

southbound said:


> As far as the last 18 years being a waste, we have a family farm, but we are currently just maintaining it. If I had known this, we could have had a big operation going, but as it is, it would take a fortune to get things going.


I suppose something like this seems irrelevant to a divorce, but I'm far enough along that I'm thinking of everything; I'm thinking about life just beyond the marriage itself.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

southbound said:


> As far as the last 18 years being a waste, we have a family farm, but we are currently just maintaining it. If I had known this, we could have had a big operation going, but as it is, it would take a fortune to get things going.


Not sure I understand the context of your comment here.

But, I do know that there's a change in perspective needed if you feel the last 18 years have been a waste. They have made you what you are today - they should be looked at as an educational or testing ground or a launching pad - for continuing to be a strong man going forward into the next 18 years and beyond. AND they have given you two beautiful kids that you get to have great influence over. No matter what your ex does, you will STILL be your kids' dad and only YOU have control over how you manage that position. 

"_It's not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can't tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself_." ~Joyce Maynard

Come on, southbound - start reaching. Look forward, upward!


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> Not sure I understand the context of your comment here.


I'm just looking at what I could have done had i not been married for the last 18 years.

We have farm-land that has been in the family for many, many years, Due to other things going on in life, however, we haven't used it actively for many years, we just maintain it. However, if I had known my marriage was going to be a waste, I could have stayed single and had a huge herd of cattle, equipment, and the farm would have been rockin'. 

I let all that go, however, to live the married life. That was more than fine with me at the time and still would have been, but things could have been different.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

southbound said:


> I'm just looking at what I could have done had i not been married for the last 18 years.
> 
> We have farm-land that has been in the family for many, many years, Due to other things going on in life, however, we haven't used it actively for many years, we just maintain it. However, if I had known my marriage was going to be a waste, I could have stayed single and had a huge herd of cattle, equipment, and the farm would have been rockin'.
> 
> I let all that go, however, to live the married life. That was more than fine with me at the time and still would have been, but things could have been different.


Let me ask you - would you trade your two kids for that farm? Because it looks to me like that would have been the trade-off. If you hadn't married, you wouldn't have your two kids right now. Are THEY worth the last 18 years of your life?

And... why can't you still do something with the farm (sounds more like a ranch, actually)? Yah, I know what it takes to run one - grew up on one - my dad both farmed and ranched - my brother runs the place now. 

You know - "where there's a will, there's a way." If you want it bad enough, you would find a way to make that farm work - make it the next 18 years of your life. 

God Bless.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> Let me ask you - would you trade your two kids for that farm? Because it looks to me like that would have been the trade-off. If you hadn't married, you wouldn't have your two kids right now. Are THEY worth the last 18 years of your life?
> 
> And... why can't you still do something with the farm (sounds more like a ranch, actually)? Yah, I know what it takes to run one - grew up on one - my dad both farmed and ranched - my brother runs the place now.
> 
> ...


The kids are what makes a situation like this weird. One can say they made a "mistake" with their marriage, yet, there are the beautiful children. So, no, I wouldn't trade my kids now because they are very precious to me. It's just sad to think I had to have them with a nutty wife. 

I am strongly thinking about getting the farm going next spring. I'm thinking about getting some cattle and starting a herd. It wouldn't be for a main income, but any would help, and I would enjoy the farm work.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

southbound said:


> The kids are what makes a situation like this weird. One can say they made a "mistake" with their marriage, yet, there are the beautiful children. So, no, I wouldn't trade my kids now because they are very precious to me. It's just sad to think I had to have them with a nutty wife.
> 
> I am strongly thinking about getting the farm going next spring. I'm thinking about getting some cattle and starting a herd. It wouldn't be for a main income, but any would help, and I would enjoy the farm work.


Now see - that sounds like a plan to me - something to look forward to and plan for - something to help take your mind off things and help you cope. Actually it sounds pretty exciting to me - I would like to go back and live on a farm, but I did not marry a farm boy and I know he wouldn't want to live on a farm. 

Just counterbalance the 'nuttiness' your wife may have with some reasonableness so your kids get to see a good balance and get them out there helping you on the farm. Nothing like some physical labor to pull you closer together. Maybe you will have to get a horse or two.


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

like an above poster, it has also taken me 3 years to get over everything and have a revelation that my life is better now. i understand how you feel about the 18 years feeling like a dream. the 10 years with my ex feels like wasted time, but i had an incredible daughter out of it, so it wasn't a waste after all. it was a good learning experience. i don't know if i'll ever get married again, although many people say i will. i haven't even started dating yet, don't have the time or motivation right now.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> Now see - that sounds like a plan to me - something to look forward to and plan for - something to help take your mind off things and help you cope. Actually it sounds pretty exciting to me - I would like to go back and live on a farm, but I did not marry a farm boy and I know he wouldn't want to live on a farm.
> 
> Just counterbalance the 'nuttiness' your wife may have with some reasonableness so your kids get to see a good balance and get them out there helping you on the farm. Nothing like some physical labor to pull you closer together. Maybe you will have to get a horse or two.


I will have to ease into it, and it will take a while for the first payoff check, but I am certainly looking forward to it.

From what my kids say, there is certainly some nuttiness going on at the other house, but i think they have a good, calm place to come to with me. 




wonder said:


> like an above poster, it has also taken me 3 years to get over everything and have a revelation that my life is better now.  i understand how you feel about the 18 years feeling like a dream. the 10 years with my ex feels like wasted time, but i had an incredible daughter out of it, so it wasn't a waste after all. it was a good learning experience. i don't know if i'll ever get married again, although many people say i will. i haven't even started dating yet, don't have the time or motivation right now.


I'm not dating either, nor do I car to. If some woman passed out at my feet because she just had to have me, I might consider it looking into it; but I don't see that happening and I'm certainly not looking. 

I find it really strange. My wife was the one who didn't want sex, but she said that was all I thought about. Well, I don't think about it much now, but she was in a relationship shortly after our divorce. Right now,I think I could get more excited over a herd of cows than another woman, and I don't mean anything weird by that either.:rofl::rofl:


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