# I want her to want me. Been together 15 years and lacking sexual energy.



## wafflingoptimist (Feb 15, 2021)

I'm 33 and have been married 6 years, and we've been together since college. I have a long history of being inwardly critical about my wife’s looks but I quite like her as a person.

Early in college we were mostly happy but I wanted her to have bigger boobs.
Later in college she was a bit heavier and I even told her I wasn’t super attracted to her. She was hurt, stayed and will never forget.
At my senior year formal I was silently mad at her bc she wasn’t sexy on the dance floor and I wanted several other girls instead of her.
We took dance lessons our first year in New York and I was frustrated that she wasn’t light on her feet and wasn’t sexy to dance with.
I was drawn to enough women on the sidewalk that I tried to break up with her. We both cried and stayed together.

The next 3 years were better as I grew balder. She was trim and the other girls I was attracted to clearly didn’t see me.
At 29 I started working for myself and felt more confident and secure than I had in years. Less on my to do list directly increases the time I spend thinking about sex. She remains very busy, often working past 8.
At 31 we have a child and I get a hair transplant (midlife crisis; I don’t want to look 50 at 35. it worked and looks decent.) she’s even busier and spread thin with the kid and she thinks someday she will have time. Every month that passes I think she will never make time for physical activity and sexuality.

I recently asked my buddies on a guy trip, how much mental capacity are you spending on sex. I’m scouting every girl that enters the restaurant. My sexual desire is not quenched at home, so it follows me around. On sidewalks, grabbing lunch or drinks out. There are so many hot, tight women, why didn't I hold out for one? That's right, I have no game.

My wife says she’s attracted to me and enjoys sex. I believe her. But she’s worn lingerie once in the last decade, once, she very rarely initiates sex, and we only do missionary & cowgirl. Oral is a never. I was honestly bored the last go around and am considering how to change it up.

On one hand I’m a five-star asshole. I judge her weight even after she birthed our child, and even at her thinnest I was inwardly critical of her.
On the other hand I’m lonely and powerless. I’ve tried to lighten her burden several ways and give her time for mental and physical selfishness. She refuses. Being a great mom is important to her, and she prioritizes it.

When things are good and we are intimate, I've told her I need her to be my sexy bunny. We do occasionally find that chemistry and she’s a pretty woman, just not horny or especially hot one. Writing this made me realize how long this side of her has frustrated me.

My life is lacking sexual energy. And I’m ashamed to admit I recently turned to Tinder to find it (in chat only, I haven’t met anyone.) I've spoken to 2 counselors about this in the past year. It's just so hard for me to communicate with her without blaming & hurting. When I can't find the words, I just fail silently and can't sleep. When I force the effort, I invariably hurt her feelings and make her feel inadequate. Which -- you guessed it -- leads to tons of sex yay (sad sarcasm.) 

Oof. These things are hard for a simple man to navigate.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

NO woman would want to sleep with you if that's the way you treat them. 

Oh, and stop cheating. Yes, chatting on Tinder is cheating. Don't believe me, tell your wife and see how she feels.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Give her a divorce and cut her lose from her misery of being married to a guy like you. You sound like your want perfection from your wife when you, yourself, are far from perfect.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Are you looking for advice?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

After saying those things to her I am suprised she is still wanting to be anywhere near you.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The problem seems that you want to want her. You don't. You want a woman your wife never was. You can't communicate without blaming and hurting her. Why don't you admit that the problem lies with you instead of blameshifting to your wife?

You're lucky she even talks to you.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

If you want her to want you, maybe calling her fat and unattractive while you were logging into tinder wasn’t the way to go after all?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Under the circumstances, why would she?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

At least you are honest about all of this.

Why did you marry her if you felt this way all of this time? That is something you should have never done. You have put yourself into this situation instead of putting an end to it. Now you will be destroying your child’s life as well.

How can she want you when it is obvious to her that you don’t want her?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Maybe your just always going to be a turd.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Short, sweet, and simple: You married the wrong woman. She married the wrong man.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Waffling my man, your the kind of cat I was grateful for. Their wives made the best lovers. That was a long time ago. I knew how to listen her and make her feel special and beautiful. I'd wine and dine her, at your expense, and give her a needed break her tormented marriage and a husband who, at best, is emotionally abusive. When she gave herself to me, she'd know she was safe and with a man who adored and doted over the delicious curves of body and focused totally on pleasing her as I touched and kissed forbidden places. Neither she or I would care why you're critical of her and told her you don't think she attractive. I do my best to belie that. Neither do I care she's married. She would be my priority and her pleasure is all that matters for the next few hours. Her husband is not my concern. Men like you who prime the pump for men like are a gwadsend Dawg.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Hmm. Don’t want to look 50 at 35 and YOU’RE critical of her looks??

I bet that she’s the more attractive partner. I am so certain of this.

I bet she’s actually the one getting the looks from men on sidewalks and you CANNOT STAND IT can you? But she’s loyal isn’t she and doesn’t need the looks from the sidewalk like you do. She just wants you to see her. But you’re too busy hating your own body. 

In fact, she’s probably smart as well as beautiful, maybe she’s even taller and people out there are constantly praising her and all you hear from people is how lucky you are to have her and what’s she doing with a guy like you. ( what is she doing with a guy like you)

You know all of this and you hate her very guts for it. So you tear her down.

I hope you do leave her for a really ugly woman. With and ugly heart, soul and ego and face and body too. Just like yours.Your perfect match.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Ewww please please PLEASE divorce her so she can be free of you.

What nasty thoughts you have about your wife. She needs to not be with you.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Why so critical of her? You married her... she's yours. She chose you as the father of her children. Being critical of her is like being critical of your own body- really makes no sense.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, I was married for 15 years to a guy I eventually came to realize felt about me like you feel about your wife. Basically, he simply felt he deserved better and had done me a huge favor by marrying me and was doing me a huge favor by staying. But I wasn't someone he actually wanted in a real way. 

Me? I found it rather soul destroying to be married to someone who felt that way about me. Because I was never enough. Never sexy enough, pretty enough, hot enough, kinky enough, _good_ enough. No matter how much I tried, or gave, or dieted, or dressed up for him, or rocked his world in bed. It was just never enough - _I_ was never enough. Even long before I could really articulate what the problem was, some part of me always knew that while he really wanted sex, he didn't really want _me_. 

After I left him, it took several years of healing for me to move past the constant, low-level, stress of living that way and rebuild my self-esteem. There's just something super freeing about no longer spending everyday with someone who has a vested interest in helping you to feel bad about yourself. And, quite happily, I discovered that I _was_ good enough, more than good enough, for plenty of other quite interesting - and very interested - gentlemen. And I'm now remarried to a man for whom I'm not just good enough, but perfectly suited. 

OP, you say you haven't cheated, but we both know there's a "yet" in there somewhere just beneath the surface. And, really, you're not exactly being faithful at this point anyway. 

So, my advice would be to divorce your wife. Be honest in a kind way, be amicable and fair, even very generous. Do it before you blow up your marriage and family any further by cheating. Your wife deserves a chance to be with someone who loves_ her_, just as she is. And you can look for someone who suits you better. You two are not right for each other. You never have been and never will be.


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## wafflingoptimist (Feb 15, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> The problem seems that you want to want her. You don't. You want a woman your wife never was. You can't communicate without blaming and hurting her. Why don't you admit that the problem lies with you instead of blameshifting to your wife?
> 
> You're lucky she even talks to you.


thanks to all those who gave empathetic replies. in my venting, i told a one-sided story that left out the good of why we've been together for 15 years. it's not a balanced picture.

the criticisms of me here are valid. i even called myself a five-star asshole. the truth is i dont feel the same way every day. sometimes life is beautiful and we're very happy. other times i'm discontent, and when i am it's almost always about the physical or sex.

i suppose my real ask here is how to navigate my feelings and get to better habits of thought. 

I'm sure many vain people have felt this way about the person they love and married. if i gained a bunch of weight, i'd expect her to have conflicted feelings. perhaps it's be better to "fix" my feelings than admit them. my life would be better without these feelings. but being honest with myself is obviously important, and as some of you say perhaps i havent been honest enough. 

on the other hand, i think physical attraction is affected by emotional connection (or lack thereof), so it's probably no coincidence that things are harder for us with a young child during a pandemic. maybe the ebb and flow of our relationship over 15 years shows that we married the wrong person. maybe it doesn't. i don't know.

scapegoats aside, i dont want to be or feel like an asshole. i married a great woman and am genuinely proud of her. does it make me broken to feel more physical attraction for other attractive women? pure attraction for them can't be wrong (?), but my turning that into frustration with her is wrong and unfair.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

I recommend individual counseling. I also recommend you let your wife go so she can find another that is let say...less critical of everything about her. Good luck.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Generally speaking, low self confidence will manifest itself as all sorts of sexual problems. 

A good place to start is trying to find something positive about your wife, and compliment her each day. Ask her to do the same for you and work as a team for each other's self development and STOP putting each other down.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OP,

You can't be serious.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

People want to talk about entitlement in marriage... this is what it looks like people. 

OP why do you think she has to be this sex bunny for you? She is not there for your entertainment do you get that? Her existence is not to put on a sexy show for you. 

Trust me when I say this, there will be thousands of men who will wait in line for her, and she will be enough for them with how she is.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

It’s very obvious that the issue is the fact that you are super insecure. Why can’t you love your wife for who she is? You can’t because unless she looks like a 10/10 you feel bad about yourself because you think it means something about you.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It's a given that OP has to realize his views are destructive to his M.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

wafflingoptimist said:


> thanks to all those who gave empathetic replies. in my venting, i told a one-sided story that left out the good of why we've been together for 15 years. it's not a balanced picture.
> 
> the criticisms of me here are valid. i even called myself a five-star asshole. the truth is i dont feel the same way every day. sometimes life is beautiful and we're very happy. other times i'm discontent, and when i am it's almost always about the physical or sex.
> 
> ...


Get off tinder and all dating sites. Stop looking at other women like they are food on a menu, they aren’t. Start speaking positively about your wife and you will began to think positively. 

You control your brain, so control your thoughts. If you think about eating cookies all day; your going to eat a cookie! It’s common sense.

Don’t ever touch porn. 

Appreciate your wife for who she is now, not the potential of her. She doesn’t have to look perfect for you to find her sexy.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> It's a given that OP has to realize his views are destructive to his M.


It’s clear what he thinks of women.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

wafflingoptimist said:


> thanks to all those who gave empathetic replies. in my venting, i told a one-sided story that left out the good of why we've been together for 15 years. it's not a balanced picture.
> 
> the criticisms of me here are valid. i even called myself a five-star asshole. the truth is i dont feel the same way every day. sometimes life is beautiful and we're very happy. other times i'm discontent, and when i am it's almost always about the physical or sex.
> 
> ...


You're frustrated, pure and simple. You want a wife who is naturally overtly sexual with you. You want her to make it obvious that sex is often on her mind. You want her to flirt and tease you so you anticipate the wild enthusiastic sex to come once the kids are put to bed. And you know none of that is ever going to happen, thats not how she is and she never will be that way. You know this and it's frustrating as hell. 

You have to ask yourself if knowing you will never have that woman staying married is something you can accept and let go of? Can you find happiness in the status quo? If the answer is no then you have to think about divorce. 

You also have to ask yourself, if you find a woman who checks off all the sexual boxes but is lacking in the things you love about your current wife will you still feel you're missing something? Will the grass be greener over there? Probably not.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Rowan said:


> OP, I was married for 15 years to a guy I eventually came to realize felt about me like you feel about your wife. Basically, he simply felt he deserved better and had done me a huge favor by marrying me and was doing me a huge favor by staying. But I wasn't someone he actually wanted in a real way.
> 
> Me? I found it rather soul destroying to be married to someone who felt that way about me. Because I was never enough. Never sexy enough, pretty enough, hot enough, kinky enough, _good_ enough. No matter how much I tried, or gave, or dieted, or dressed up for him, or rocked his world in bed. It was just never enough - _I_ was never enough. Even long before I could really articulate what the problem was, some part of me always knew that while he really wanted sex, he didn't really want _me_.
> 
> ...


No one should ever stay in a relationship where the partner is belittling them or looking down on them.


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

You want her to want you? 🙄

She's been wanting you to want her for 15 years. If you think she can't tell how you feel, you're wrong. 

Stop objectifying women. Women aren't objects created solely to pleasure men. Lay off the porn. It isn't real. Lay off the dating sites. You're married. Besides, those women (the ones who are actually women) only put their best pictures up and only put their best foot forward.

Stop comparing her to others. Love her for who she is, or leave so she can find someone who does.

_*edited to be a bit less harsh_


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> People want to talk about entitlement in marriage... this is what it looks like people.
> 
> OP why do you think she has to be this sex bunny for you? She is not there for your entertainment do you get that? Her existence is not to put on a sexy show for you.
> 
> Trust me when I say this, there will be thousands of men who will wait in line for her, and she will be enough for them with how she is.


Eh, I'll take a sex bunny. 🤣🤣🙂🙂👍👍

Btw, I'm not sure, just imho OP is not for real here, disclaimer I could be wrong, but maybe not.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Eh, I'll take a sex bunny. 🤣🤣🙂🙂👍👍
> 
> Btw, I'm not sure, just imho OP is not for real here, disclaimer I could be wrong, but maybe not.


He may be just be away for maintenance on his hair plugs.


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## SamHam01! (Jul 31, 2020)

bobert said:


> NO woman would want to sleep with you if that's the way you treat them.
> 
> Oh, and stop cheating. Yes, chatting on Tinder is cheating. Don't believe me, tell your wife and see how she feels.


Take gender out of this for a moment. Let a person open up— part of opening up is to expose personally ugly truths for the sake of moving past the ugly part. He admits he’s an asshole. Let it rest. As a human this person is struggling with rejection and intimacy issues and that is painful stuff.
Ever been continuously for years rejected by a spouse that refuses to put energy into intimacy in marriage? The feeling of never rectified or reciprocated shared desire for touch and physical affection is tremendous.

Remember this space regardless of gender is where people need some support.

He knows he owns some responsibility, which is why he disclosed his weaknesses and ugliness. That is brave. Perhaps this person will work himself out to be a better sexy person with some help from others.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I was not all that attracted to my ex-wife. I still ponder why I stayed with her as long as I did. What impacts did this have? The sex was sparse and boring. I never found myself wondering what she was wearing or even thinking about having sex. I could not keep my eyes off the women at work. Even when it was clear that the relationship was over and we both tried to make it work, it was futile and contrived. The next woman that I was with.. my current wife. Oh my, what a different world.

The point is if you are not strongly attracted to someone, it will manifest later on. Its inevitable. Being critical of their physical appearance is one example. Few things kill the mood more than saying that you are not all that physically attracted to them.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

SamHam01! said:


> Take gender out of this for a moment. Let a person open up— part of opening up is to expose personally ugly truths for the sake of moving past the ugly part. He admits he’s an asshole. Let it rest. As a human this person is struggling with rejection and intimacy issues and that is painful stuff.
> Ever been continuously for years rejected by a spouse that refuses to put energy into intimacy in marriage? The feeling of never rectified or reciprocated shared desire for touch and physical affection is tremendous.
> 
> Remember this space regardless of gender is where people need some support.
> ...


When does he ever talk about being rejected by her?

I get what your saying, but this guy really needs to understand the problem is not with his wife.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Are you bipolar?


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## wafflingoptimist (Feb 15, 2021)

happyhusband0005 said:


> You're frustrated, pure and simple. You want a wife who is naturally overtly sexual with you. You want her to make it obvious that sex is often on her mind. You want her to flirt and tease you so you anticipate the wild enthusiastic sex to come once the kids are put to bed. And you know none of that is ever going to happen, thats not how she is and she never will be that way. You know this and it's frustrating as hell.
> 
> You have to ask yourself if knowing you will never have that woman staying married is something you can accept and let go of? Can you find happiness in the status quo? If the answer is no then you have to think about divorce.
> 
> You also have to ask yourself, if you find a woman who checks off all the sexual boxes but is lacking in the things you love about your current wife will you still feel you're missing something? Will the grass be greener over there? Probably not.


Thanks again for all the productive replies. Happyhusband's hyperbole is the closest to how I feel. I love my wife and don't think I'll truly be happier with someone else. But SamHam is right too -- I often feel like she doesn't desire me, and I want my wife to desire me. I'm sad that my wife surely has felt the same way. 

I want her to feel happy enough and relaxed enough and confident enough to think of sex, but I'm losing hope that it will ever happen. She's too busy being a great mom and a productive person. In my frustration, I look at other women and blame my wife's physique, but I know it's more than that. In an oversimplification, sexual excitement may be = hotness x attitude. I'd like to constructively raise that product, and daily compliments seem like a great start. Then I have a problem: this line of thought is me trying to change her [priorities].

I'm the prime beneficiary of all her hard work. She's raising a great kid, taking care of our lives while I work, and she's spending a small fortune to make our house beautiful. I'm grateful, but I also care less about my surroundings and more about intimacy.

---
As a defensive aside, I obviously have flaws, but I don't consider myself an ugly person. I exercise 4 days/week and if you think hair transplants can't look good, take a closer look at Elon Musk or google Hollywood hair transplants. My point is that trying to look good is part of my identity. This is true for many men and women, vain we may be. I understand why it's less important for my wife than it used to be, but I wish it weren't. 

Also, if my thinking sounds too strange to be real, just check out INTJ weaknesses ("romantically clueless"). Overly critical? You betcha. Of myself too btw. It's helped me in many ways, but I sometimes struggle and overthink.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

wafflingoptimist said:


> Thanks again for all the productive replies. Happyhusband's hyperbole is the closest to how I feel. I love my wife and don't think I'll truly be happier with someone else. But SamHam is right too -- I often feel like she doesn't desire me, and I want my wife to desire me. I'm sad that my wife surely has felt the same way.
> 
> I want her to feel happy enough and relaxed enough and confident enough to think of sex, but I'm losing hope that it will ever happen. She's too busy being a great mom and a productive person. In my frustration, I look at other women and blame my wife's physique, but I know it's more than that. In an oversimplification, sexual excitement may be = hotness x attitude. I'd like to constructively raise that product, and daily compliments seem like a great start. Then I have a problem: this line of thought is me trying to change her [priorities].
> 
> ...


Does your wife try at all? Does she get dressed in the morning and do her hair and makeup? Did she gain a lot of weight?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

happyhusband0005 said:


> You're frustrated, pure and simple.


No, he is just insecure.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> No, he is just insecure.


Chicken and the Egg. He's frustrated because he wants his wife to live up to a fantasy that is never going to be reality. So is the insecurity being caused by the frustration or is the or is the frustration a result of the insecurity. I'm betting the frustration is caused by an unattainable expectation and that is leading to the insecurity. He's turning her not living up to his fantasy into a statement on him when it's just the way his wife is. If he realizes and accepts his wife is never going to be this fantasy sex goddess, he can let go of the frustration and be more secure in himself. Or he will just live in partial misery forever.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Or he will just live in partial misery forever.


I personally believe that the frustration is the result of his insecurity. He will live in partial misery forever. We see loads of frustrated people here on TAM looking for perfection, which doesn't exist.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> I personally believe that the frustration is the result of his insecurity. He will live in partial misery forever. We see loads of frustrated people here on TAM looking for perfection, which doesn't exist.


Could be correct, the expectation is the real problem as we know it will never be met.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

wafflingoptimist said:


> Thanks again for all the productive replies. Happyhusband's hyperbole is the closest to how I feel. I love my wife and don't think I'll truly be happier with someone else. But SamHam is right too -- I often feel like she doesn't desire me, and I want my wife to desire me. I'm sad that my wife surely has felt the same way.
> 
> I want her to feel happy enough and relaxed enough and confident enough to think of sex, but I'm losing hope that it will ever happen. She's too busy being a great mom and a productive person. In my frustration, I look at other women and blame my wife's physique, but I know it's more than that. In an oversimplification, sexual excitement may be = hotness x attitude. I'd like to constructively raise that product, and daily compliments seem like a great start. Then I have a problem: this line of thought is me trying to change her [priorities].
> 
> ...



But the problem with the bold above is that you weren't happy with her back when, either. Which means that even if looking good were more of a priority for her long ago, her prioritization didn't make any difference. You still weren't excited by her, were looking at other women and even expressing your dissatisfaction with her. Apparently, her placing a higher priority on looking good _still_ didn't make her good enough in your eyes. And the worst part is, _she knows it_.

Which may be a huge part of the reason she doesn't feel happy enough, relaxed enough and confident enough to think of sex with you. You made it fairly clear early on that she wasn't doing it for you. She knows you're not really into _her_, sexually, even though you probably want sex. She feels unsafe, emotionally, being vulnerable with you. Which has, naturally, negatively impacted her sexual self-esteem and your sex life together.

There are other things in her life that do make her happy, relaxed and confident, and those are the things she prioritizes. Those things just aren't you or sex with you.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> No one should ever stay in a relationship where the partner is belittling them or looking down on them.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If you thought knocking her down a peg would make her value you more, you were sadly mistaken. She'll view that as your own deficit and weakness and inability to be happy and if she's really smart she'll know it's your low self-esteem that makes you want to try to feel superior to her by trying to make her feel bad about herself and also by trying to turn her into a trophy you can prop up your ego with.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

wafflingoptimist said:


> I'm 33 and have been married 6 years, and we've been together since college. I have a long history of being inwardly critical about my wife’s looks but I quite like her as a person.
> 
> Early in college we were mostly happy but I wanted her to have bigger boobs.
> Later in college she was a bit heavier and I even told her I wasn’t super attracted to her. She was hurt, stayed and will never forget.
> ...


I wouldn't have sex with you either. I don't even know why she married you, even after you told her she wasn't exactly your type. I don't think there is much to salvage. You screwed this one up. Serves you right, you are an entitled j*** and now you're bald and not that attractive...looks like God served you exactly what you deserve.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I have insecurities that I’m not good enough, so I’m constantly trying to be better and improve myself. I can’t imagine being with someone whose insecurities involve their partner never being good enough, that would literally destroy me.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Girl_power said:


> I have insecurities that I’m not good enough, so I’m constantly trying to be better and improve myself. I can’t imagine being with someone whose insecurities involve their partner never being good enough, that would literally destroy me.


If everyone truly focused on themselves and tried to be the best version of a person they could be, most of these marital issues would never surface. Unfortunately, laziness and complacency rule the day in most married couples. People get fat, lose priorities, stop working, stop sex, and blame the other partner. Wash, rinse and repeat...


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

RebuildingMe said:


> If everyone truly focused on themselves and tried to be the best version of a person they could be, most of these marital issues would never surface. Unfortunately, laziness and complacency rule the day in most married couples. People get fat, lose priorities, stop working, stop sex, and blame the other partner. Wash, rinse and repeat...


I agree. The key is to focus on yourself. Your job is to love your spouse, not perfect them.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

So is your wife hotter than you and better than you in other ways? And that’s why you’re getting hair plugs and thinking all the women should be looking at you?


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## wafflingoptimist (Feb 15, 2021)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Could be correct, the expectation is the real problem as we know it will never be met.


Thank you again to everyone with empathetic replies. It is honestly pretty tough not to get defensive on here. Please remember that you're reading an emotionally-charged half-truth. I'm not evil or awful, but I am confused and several of you understand my problems me better than I do.

To In Absentia, happyhusband, badsanta, and CatholicDad: as you see me, what am I doing wrong? I want to be better for my wife and for myself. It sounds like I need to let go of unrealistic expectations and develop more constructive habits of thought sounds, but please tell me in your words. If you see my insecurity as the root of my problems, can you explain or direct me to resources on how/why that is the case?

And to RebuildingMe, you paint an idealistic picture that's easy to agree with. But clearly I've gone astray. Marital love is not blind. Part of my problem is that my standards for my wife are on par with myself: higher than for anyone else in my life. Perhaps this is due to my ego/insecurity and seeing her as an extension of myself, which is not fair.

I believe I can change, but I need and want to understand what I'm doing wrong and why. This whole thing is hard for me to understand. I don't see it clearly. I came here for help/ constructive insight and I appreciate your patience. Thank you.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Bottom line is you care too much about what other people think. Try working on what is inside. The outside matters far less.


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

wafflingoptimist said:


> I believe I can change, but I need and want to understand what I'm doing wrong and why. This whole thing is hard for me to understand. I don't see it clearly. I came here for help/ constructive insight and I appreciate your patience. Thank you.


It seems to me that you tried to cheat, but since you didn't get any offers, you're once again ready to "settle" for your wife. So now you want to undo the damage you've done to her.

For her sake, I'll offer what I think you need to change (and yes, I think you can if you truly want to start having a real relationship with her). Start by not comparing her to other women. Lose the porn and stop the cheating sites. Seriously. Those are the first and easiest steps.

Then, start putting your wife's feelings first. Think about ways to build her up and make her feel loved and wanted. Basically, start all over and hope that it's not too late.

*Frankly, you should be honest with her about the cheating. Let her make an informed decision going forward, or if she even wants to go forward.


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## hplove (Jan 19, 2021)

My advise to you is..... it has taken a long time to get to this point and it will take a long time to get to a different place. Over time we create layers and they will take time to peel off. It will not happen over night. Get up in the morning and tell yourself you can do this, be positive, take her feelings and needs make them a priority. On the other hand if you tell yourself this is hard and cant hold your hurtful comments they will never stop and nothing will change. You are a grown man you have the power to think before you speak! ;-) Apologize to her , tell her your working on it and things will start to change with time. 

Like So married said:
For her sake, I'll offer what I think you need to change (and yes, I think you can if you truly want to start having a real relationship with her). Start by not comparing her to other women. Lose the porn and stop the cheating sites. Seriously. Those are the first and easiest steps.

Then, start putting your wife's feelings first. Think about ways to build her up and make her feel loved and wanted. Basically, start all over and hope that it's not too late.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I want you to want me......

It doesn't sound like you want her anyway so why do you care?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I think the expectations will never be met because of how he has treated his wife. You don’t bring out the best in people by berating them and calling them fat and ugly. 

This is a beast of your own making.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

wafflingoptimist said:


> To In Absentia, happyhusband, badsanta, and CatholicDad: as you see me, what am I doing wrong? I want to be better for my wife and for myself. It sounds like I need to let go of unrealistic expectations and develop more constructive habits of thought sounds, but please tell me in your words. If you see my insecurity as the root of my problems, can you explain or direct me to resources on how/why that is the case?


In my opinion you have to let go of this idea that your woman can become overwhelmed with insatiable desire for you (like what is portrayed in erotic media) and start to appreciate and learn to desire who she is as herself. 

Everyone is different, but in a long term marriage the seasons of love and desire tend to change. In the early days it is all driven my hormones and friction. As time goes by it becomes much more tied to emotional development that comes from a willingness to be vulnerable. Awkwardly it is actually OK to not feel very loving towards a spouse sometimes, and you have to be able to talk about that openly as well as opposed to ignoring those feelings. But you have to do that in a way that is based on self reflection of your own faults. 

If you want your wife to become a sex bunny, reverse roles and see what it would actually take to become the equivalent for her. Perhaps she is wanting to see you re-caulk the shower and upgrade the kitchen cabinetry. Or perhaps she wants to see you pursue a new career that you have always dreamed about with her. My point being here is that for her it likely has nothing to do with the things you generally associate with sex. But for her, those are the things that fuel her desire to be with you. It is mast likely based on seeing you strive to be a better person and care for the home. Part of that process will be learning to appreciate her efforts to do the same and being supportive. 

Some couples fall into something akin to a devil's pact. This is where it feels uncomfortable to work on yourselves and you enable each other to be lazy. Perhaps you have gotten too comfortable with your way of life and rarely try new things in terms of travel and career. Perhaps she has low self esteem and you allow her to withdraw from being present in the relationship. If you want things to get better, you have to lean into the things that make you uncomfortable and confront it. You have to do so with the intentions of trying to love and care for one another. That is the path forwards. 

Badsanta


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## wafflingoptimist (Feb 15, 2021)

badsanta said:


> In my opinion you have to let go of this idea that your woman can become overwhelmed with insatiable desire for you (like what is portrayed in erotic media) and start to appreciate and learn to desire who she is as herself.
> 
> Everyone is different, but in a long term marriage the seasons of love and desire tend to change. In the early days it is all driven my hormones and friction. As time goes by it becomes much more tied to emotional development that comes from a willingness to be vulnerable. Awkwardly it is actually OK to not feel very loving towards a spouse sometimes, and you have to be able to talk about that openly as well as opposed to ignoring those feelings. But you have to do that in a way that is based on self reflection of your own faults.
> 
> ...


Thank you badsanta and hplove. This is great advice for me.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

My advice is give up the porn. It provides unrealistic expectations and is probably partly responsible for you losing physical attraction for your wife.

Accept the fact that your wife and even most women are not going to perform like porn stars. Remember- those ladies are actors and on the clock.

Not saying you can’t have a fantastic sex life.. just that your expectations may be way off as what that means.

Find what beauty your wife holds that you’re probably missing because you’re too busy thinking she needs to be something different. 

I suspect you’re eventually going to get caught in your misdeeds and that lovely lady will never look at you the same. The beautiful sex you could have shared will be lost forever.


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