# Help......



## FocusMusic (7 mo ago)

We met in school and have been together 24 years. Two kids, now 13 and 14. 

He was my soulmate and we were so happy for so long, until the kids turned 3/4. They had a lot of issues and required constant attention and a lot of work. And we both had demanding jobs that required long hours. For years I was working so hard on everything, felt really drained and tired, and was barely able to hold together my job and what the kids needed. We grew apart. However I never expected our marriage would fall apart. 

Three years ago, he said he had been unhappy for too long and wanted a divorce. Two years ago he got a place next to our home for himself. He didn't exactly "move out" and he still had most of his stuff at home and came home every day to hang out, help the kids with homework, cook sometimes, etc. The kids did not realize what happened and they still don't know our marriage is not working anymore. There is no other woman. 

I feel so lonely. I was never close to my parents, and I don't really have close friends. He used to be my soulmate, my confidante, my everything, the person I'd talk to whenever I feel down, and he could lift me up each time. Now I feel like I have lost my only connection to the world. From time to time I feel that I have lost the ability to carry on. Life is so lonely and depressing that I just want to lie down and never get up. 

I don't know what I can do, what I should do. But I really want to stop feeling how I feel now.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

At a minimum maybe it's time for you to make some friends. You need to start taking better care of yourself. You can't rely on him for your happiness or as your "only connection to the world."


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

As things stand he has the best of both worlds. He has his family life when he wants it and then he can leave when the mood takes him. 
You need to make a stand here and make it clear to him that you’re not going to put up with this situation anymore. You start by making plans for a few days away, it doesn’t matter where just somewhere that you can relax. He can look after the children. 
You need to get out more, maybe you had a hobby before which you could start again.


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## FocusMusic (7 mo ago)

Yes I realize now he has the best of both worlds. I was ok with this arrangement mostly to minimize any impact on the kids. However now I increasingly feel that I cannot put up with it anymore. It's too painful. Maybe I had hopes that we could keep our family intact.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

FocusMusic said:


> Yes I realize now he has the best of both worlds. I was ok with this arrangement mostly to minimize any impact on the kids. However now I increasingly feel that I cannot put up with it anymore. It's too painful. Maybe I had hopes that we could keep our family intact.


That's exactly right...it will be impossible for you to move on in a healthy way if he has one foot in your life and another out of it like it is.

I would force some real separation between you two, minimize contact to just kid-centered topics, and start to live your life without him.

I hope the best for you @FocusMusic


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I take it that still on paper you are both married and this physical separation (quasi) allows him to come and go as he feels, and i am guessing neither of you are being intimate with each other? 
I agree with the other posters that you need to unravel yourself from him and start to formulate a new life for yourself. i would start small perhaps by joining a group that meets outside the home so that you can get used to make new friends. Perhaps a hobby (book club etc..) or sport or gym you can join. Look you have no control over what he does, but you do have control over how you respond to his actions and you need to start by formulating a plan for yourself without him.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

D0nnivain said:


> At a minimum maybe it's time for you to make some friends. You need to start taking better care of yourself. You can't rely on him for your happiness or as your "only connection to the world."


This ^^^, and I would also maybe look into some individual therapy to help you through these difficult times. I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this situation.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

FocusMusic said:


> Three years ago, he said he had been unhappy for too long and wanted a divorce. Two years ago he got a place next to our home for himself.


Did you actually divorce?
What caused him to be unhappy?
Is he seeing others?


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## FocusMusic (7 mo ago)

No we are still married--legally neither divorced nor separated. I don't think he is seeing others. He has told his own family about our situation, but not others I believe. When he talks to his colleagues or our kids' teachers, he still refers to me as "my wife". No one outside of his family knows we are not together anymore. He wanted a divorce before he moved out, but after he moved out and we set up the current arrangement, he seems content and never mentioned divorce again. 

I think having kids caused him to be unhappy. He's introverted and needs a lot of alone time. The kids have some special issues which make them difficult to raise (beyond the normal difficulty of raising kids). Also we both have demanding jobs. During the most difficult years with the kids, I basically had no time for him, after balancing the kids and the job.


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## FocusMusic (7 mo ago)

Think I have fallen into depression. Can’t concentrate on anything. Feel my head hurts all the time. Don’t want to get out of bed.


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## ewam (May 28, 2017)

FocusMusic said:


> Think I have fallen into depression. Can’t concentrate on anything. Feel my head hurts all the time. Don’t want to get out of bed.


are you going to make appointment with doctor?


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