# Ladies how would you handle this friend?



## [email protected] (Jan 30, 2012)

I have a female friend who I have been friends with since 5th grade. I am now 36. We have had many good times and some bad as well. A few times during the friendship I have needed a break from her becasue some maturity issues along the way. It seems at times I have grown up faster. I think it has to do with her parents coddling her all her life even after she had kids at a young age they let her continue to party and do what she want ed while they sat at home with the kids. They didn't instill in her a sense of responsibility.

So thats just me playing ametuer psychologist. the 3 times we went almost a year with out speaking was when in our twenties she gave me parenting advice that was really harsh and of course I had to go off because as a mom who wasnt really repsonsible for her own how could she tell me how to raise mine. She called me and after almost a yr it was like 10 months of silence never even existed.

The 2nd break up was when after months of me letting her crash at my place on my couch because she didn't pay her rent and her landlord kicked her out. I got up that morning to get ready for work and I noticed she had company with her on the couch. Clearly because the cover was almost off of him I could see he was naked and once again I flipped out and I told her she had to get out. Again months of silence she called on mothers day and invited me for a drink and again our friendship was back on again.

The last time through my husbands family I began to get close to his cousins wife, we have the whole married thing in common. One day I called a girls day I set up a barbecue and since they are the 2 closest friends I invited them both. She was kind of standoff ish to her. The next day I called her and asked if she wanted to do lunch and she said take your new best friend. That was it for me at 34 really acting like a child, that was it for me. I just left it alone and carried on with life.

Now this time 2 years has passed my mom actually was the facilitator of our reunion. She reminded me that we have always been like sisters she told me she has grown up so much..... she gave her my new # and again we are friends.

Something happened today and I dont know if its a deal breaker as far as the friendship or should I clearly draw some boundaries and make it clear if she ever comes at me again like that the friendship is finally over. Heres what happened.....

If anyone here has read any of my past posts... I got on here during the winter of last year becasue I seperated with my husband and really needed to talk to like minded people. In February we finally talked then march decided to get back together. First infidelity on his part then out of shere anger infidelity on my part. That rocked the marriage to the core. When I left the house we shared I thought I would never turn back and after a 6 month seperation I began to realize that the fact that we both hurt each other tremendously maybe just maybe there was still a chance to fix it because we both were wrong.

Ok so we are 6 months into our reconciliation now, in August we attended a family barbecue/birthday party and the woman my husband dated while we were seperated shows up, lets just say it got ugly he prevented it from becoming a full blown fight and of course my friend was there at the barbecue. Becasue she knows me so well she knows I was disappointed in how my husband handled the situation not communicating with me and letting me know the minute he spotted her in the yard. I had a decision to make was I gonna end it again for something he had no control of and the answer was no.

So ever since the cook out she has said you need not to mess with them people, your better then them. (referring to my husbands family) it was brought to my attention that day the girl from the barbecue sometimes stops by to say hi to his family so this is why she says this but I dont reply to her comments because I am grown I decide who I will or will not be close to. but her comments today are making me wonder if its even worth remaining a friend.

We are texting back and forth talking about this new guy she met and she says I was really liking him til I went by his place and found he is west indian, that got me thinking he is not the one I am not messing with west indian men no more. ( my husband is west indian) she says all of them cheat. huh now I take offense because I feel as tho its a stab at me. Who is she to throw the infidellity of my marriage in my face. I said thats kind of stereo typing how can you say all men of 1 nationality cheat on their women and just out of anger I threw in there and by the way I was just as disrespectful because I cheated to does this mean all american women cheat to. She says no of course then she backs off and says yeah I guess u right.

Now after just digging herself out of that hole she goes right back in and says I know you love ya husband but you can do better he is beneath you and so is his family, dont wait to long to get out of the marriage, you want to still be young and sexy enough to get someone new remember you aint getting no younger.

Wow my mouth fell open. I said 1st of all I am in this marriage for the long haul. When I said I forgive you I meant it I am not looking for a reason to leave or planning for my next man or husband I am doing what I vowed to do at my wedding to love honor and cherish thru better or worst and in my opinion we have gone through the worst and now we are working on to the better. I said I don't worry about being young and hot enough to get someone in the event my marriage doesnt work out. All i do is work on staying sexy for the man I already have. Its hard for me as a married woman to take advice from a woman who is not nor never been married but thank you anyway.

Dead silence..... then she says yeah I understand and that was the end of the conversation. It really pissed me off to the point where again I am pondering this 26 yr friendship. has she really grown up.......


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Your friend is not listening to you, and if she has, she is ignorning what you are saying about your marriage, she is raining on your reconciliation with your husband , and trusting your judgment.

I can see your frustration with her...it would be hard to remain friends with someone who does not grasp what is important in our lives.

She seems to speak before she thinks, takes advantage of friends, is boundaryless (inviting a man to sleep over without your permission)...

I can surely see why you'd want to walk the other way. If it was me, like that old song "Hold on Loosely"...I'd hold on very loosely to such a friendship, I'd quit calling her, I'd speak my mind in front of her when she is out of line, she may eventually just "get it" and also want to take a step back, I'd never want to be close with a friend like that. 

She'd simply get on my nerves too much.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Your best-friend sure does run off at the mouth! For someone who is 34, you'd think she would have learned to think BEFORE speaking!

1. She disrespected you as a parent - by giving harsh, unsolicited advice.

2. She disrespected you as a friend - by mooching off of you RENT-FREE (because she had also stiffed her landlord out of HIS rent money) then brings her f*ck-buddy to your home to lie around in a PUBLIC AREA of your house BUTT-NAKED!

3. She disrespects you as a wife by saying you could do much better than your husband and his family; thereby, ALSO disrespecting your chosen spouse AND 1/2 of your family (the half you married into.)

Just HOW INSULTING AND DISRESPECTFUL DOES THIS WOMAN HAVE TO BE before you decide you've had enough? What's left? Insulting you as a woman? Insulting your children?

I think this relationship has run its course. Tell your mother that YOU will choose YOUR OWN FRIENDS and NOT to give your phone number out TO ANYBODY in the future. She should tell this woman (or anyone else) "I will give [email protected] your phone number and message." If YOU CHOOSE to call them back, so be it; if you don't, they can get over it.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

I'm a bit of a youngster, so I understand if my opinion here is ignored. Heck, I'm not even as old as your friendship with her has been going on, but I'll still give my opinions anyway. 

I really only have a question to ask, and only you can answer the question. Do you think that this issue will be the only issue that will come between you if you stay friends? I mean, three chances is a lot, especially considering how disrespectful she's been to you in the past. People _can_ change, but...if you're already suspecting that she hasn't changed that much, maybe you have your answer?

True friends don't try and break up a marriage unless there is abuse. That, to me, would be a definite deal breaker, with absolutely no chances of reconciling. A true friend would support your decision to work with your husband and recreate a strong foundation.


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## [email protected] (Jan 30, 2012)

(Slowly getting wiser) , well taken up front and to the point. I guess becasue we had been friends 10 or more years before I even came to the realization she was still very immature is why I wasnt quick to write her off and the fact that I was weighing the good things she has done for me and with along side of the bad and it seemed to outweigh the bad.

But with each time we went our ways then came back as friends it got a little tougher, I have matured over the last 36 I could understand from her very sheltered upbringing why she didn't so like a child I held her hand and didn't turn my back like so many other friends.

I just wanted to be there for the moment she finally came into her own as a woman so I could be proud. I wanted to live out the dreams we shared as kids in my back yard of us both marrying, having kids and being rocking chair buddies. 

Its kind of rough when you realize a person is toxic in your life and thats how I am feeling...

Maybe one day she will get it and grow the hell up but until then I must really fall back.

Thanks for the advice


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## [email protected] (Jan 30, 2012)

Wow (Created to Write) very thought prevoking analagy. Hey age is just a number your question is very well spoken and mature. You are absolutely right, at the level she is at now I know we will bump heads again.

For this reason I must take leave of her......

I will not pick up our friendship again unless I see proof she has changed but the sad thing is she is 37 so if it has not happened yet it might not ever happen. For her sake I hope it does.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sometimes you have to break up with a friend.


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