# Trying to make sense. Letting go or figuring it out



## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

So it has been about 6weeks since she left. There have been no talks of getting back together but there is civil communication. I want to work it out after 12yrs and 2 kids. I am still trying to read if she still has feelings or if I am just an idiot for being to optimistic. 

A few weeks ago I was doing some cooking and offered to take some to her and the kids. When I got there, she had the table set and we all ate dinner. 

Last night I offered again and she accepted. We all had a nice dinner and I stayed for a couple hours. We mostly just chat about small stuff. No "us" talk or anything. I am not sure if I am in the "friend zone" here and need to beware? 

I am certain there is not another man in her life right now but just not sure how I should determine if I need to let go of this silliness?


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Bob,

I do not remember your exact story so forgive me.

You are walking the unknown line between Plan B and her having second thoughts.

My suggestion is this, as part of the 180, you cooking dinner is an opposite activity from your norm, only continue it if you are doing something that shows you have changed something about yourself as you worked on yourself.

If you are not showing some change in these encounters, why would you expect the WAS to be doing anything except keeping you on the hook as a safety net.

Hope this helps,
Stretch


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Bob,

If I send you my address will you come by with dinner for me? You can have some too.

I don't know your story but going by what you shared it certainly seems like a cozy arrangement for one of you. I hope I'm not off base because I'm missing details. 

When my wife left me I didn't reward her behavior with meals on wheels.

Even if you normally cooked-and there's nothing wrong with that if it's something you enjoy-you shouldn't be catering to her. You're reinforcing her conduct. You're normalizing her behavior in her mind.

She left. Let her get her own meals.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Thanks for the replies. Grilling is not anything new for me but is one of the things she always liked about me. However, going to the store and doing everything is new I guess. 

I certainly appreciate the thoughts on catering to her. I guess I really miss family dinners with my kids but I guess we can do that without her. I certainly am getting no where doing this. 

All I know is that the second that she decides to date another guy, I can finally let go because that will just make me plan B and the thoughts in my head of her with someone else will spoil it for life. I think she expected me to get on the dating scene asap. I realized I have WAY too much going on right now to mess with it. 

I guess my only hope in retaining contact is to keep her close but I have to come here for reminders that she LEFT. Why I have a key to her new place and she is allowing me to bring dinner is where I am confused.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

bobsmith said:


> Thanks for the replies. Grilling is not anything new for me but is one of the things she always liked about me. However, going to the store and doing everything is new I guess.
> 
> I certainly appreciate the thoughts on catering to her. I guess I really miss family dinners with my kids but I guess we can do that without her. I certainly am getting no where doing this.
> 
> ...


Conrad's golden rule:

When you are asking "why" someone is doing this or that.

1) People do that which they wish to do.

2) People do not do that which they do not wish to do

Yes, it's that simple.


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## jarjar banks (Dec 7, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Conrad's golden rule:
> 
> When you are asking "why" someone is doing this or that.
> 
> ...


Conrad, not my thread but this is pure, simple wisdom and it spoke to me. Thanks.


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