# When is a Marriage Over? Affairs to relationships Opinions, please.



## Zabu (24 d ago)

I had an interesting discussion with my ex. (Who split with me for the OW out of the blue after 38 years.)
It seems that he believes that the exact moment that he said, "I want to split up.", he was effectively no longer married and so had carte blanche to do whatever he wanted with whoever he wanted and no one could call it an affair, nor was he breaking his marriage vows. 
As far as I'm concerned, we are still married at least until some legal proceeding puts an end to it. He is committing adultery, IMO. 
So...In your opinion...when, after one partner decides to call it quits, is sex with the OW/OM no longer an affair but is able to be termed a legitimate "relationship" ? 

Zabu


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## Woundidwife (4 mo ago)

Zabu said:


> I had an interesting discussion with my ex. (Who split with me for the OW out of the blue after 38 years.)
> It seems that he believes that the exact moment that he said, "I want to split up.", he was effectively no longer married and so had carte blanche to do whatever he wanted with whoever he wanted and no one could call it an affair, nor was he breaking his marriage vows.
> As far as I'm concerned, we are still married at least until some legal proceeding puts an end to it. He is committing adultery, IMO.
> So...In your opinion...when, after one partner decides to call it quits, is sex with the OW/OM no longer an affair but is able to be termed a legitimate "relationship" ?
> ...


I think after you are officially divorced. Makes sense to me.


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## Dormatte (4 mo ago)

In my opinion, after the actual relationship has demised..

Or before the actual relationship began..for the desperate, low self esteem, lonely people who settle for someone they're clearly incompatible with, but ignore all that just to be legally married and possibly have children with a spouse.


In my opinion, a title is just a title.


You are distanced and divorced in life...


A husband or title of a wife means nothing without a healthy relationship and the spouse being an appropriate spouse...

Imo..


Please stop prolonging the divorce.

Please stop holding onto him..

He doesn't want to be with you.

He perhaps doesn't care.

A title won't hold him.

You two are single in a legal relationship.


Work towards moving on, and cutting him out of your life.

Being in frequent contact about non related divorce stuff, is only preventing you from moving on.


Please stop showing him your eagerness and availability for the position of his doormat.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Zabu said:


> I had an interesting discussion with my ex. (Who split with me for the OW out of the blue after 38 years.)
> It seems that he believes that the exact moment that he said, "I want to split up.", he was effectively no longer married and so had carte blanche to do whatever he wanted with whoever he wanted and no one could call it an affair, nor was he breaking his marriage vows.
> As far as I'm concerned, we are still married at least until some legal proceeding puts an end to it. He is committing adultery, IMO.
> So...In your opinion...when, after one partner decides to call it quits, is sex with the OW/OM no longer an affair but is able to be termed a legitimate "relationship" ?
> ...


Your STBX is full of crap.
He will tell you anything to get what he wants and appease his guilty conscience.

If those words were the magic sauce to being divorced the entire nation would be divorced many times over by now.

There is a legal definition around divorce and there is a spiritual definition around divorce. Neither of them are "I want to split up".

Your SBTX is full of crap and is committing adultery.


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## FakeNews001 (3 mo ago)

Zabu said:


> I had an interesting discussion with my ex. (Who split with me for the OW out of the blue after 38 years.)
> It seems that he believes that the exact moment that he said, "I want to split up.", he was effectively no longer married and so had carte blanche to do whatever he wanted with whoever he wanted and no one could call it an affair, nor was he breaking his marriage vows.
> As far as I'm concerned, we are still married at least until some legal proceeding puts an end to it. He is committing adultery, IMO.
> So...In your opinion...when, after one partner decides to call it quits, is sex with the OW/OM no longer an affair but is able to be termed a legitimate "relationship" ?
> ...


My opinion is that someone is free to do what they want once they've announced their intentions.

If your husband said clearly that this was it, then he was free to do whatever he wanted after that.

However, that doesn't absolve him of whatever he did before that point (and I'm guessing there was something in the past they caused him to make the announcement).


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

OP, you need to define what marriage is to you. Is it really just the legal aspect that binds two people together? Or is it the commitment, support and love for one another?

My marriage was over a good decade before I “legally” ended it. There was not a 1 ounce of respect or love or tenderness left between us. It was cold and lifeless. Neither of us ever cheated during those last 10 years but the relationship, the marriage, was well and truly over. When a relationship reaches that point, neither person owes the other anything. It would be like expecting loyalty and honesty from the customer next to you in the grocery store.

it seems to me he has moved on and you are trying to prevent him from doing so. All in vain. As far as he’s concerned the relationship is well and truly dead. He feels he owes you nothing. That is not a marriage.


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## Lizzygurl90 (Oct 4, 2020)

I agree that once the intention of divorce is set, it’s no longer an affair. However, I would be clear that it is done for you, too. 
He can’t just go out and sleep with other people and then try to work it out with you later.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He’s a tool, you are married until divorce is final. Im fine saying a 60 year old man carrying on with a 40 something behind his wife’s back is a douche.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My exH (a cheater) didn’t want a divorce and fought the idea for awhile. One day he realized I was serious about filing and he immediately jumped into online dating (apparently his AP wasn’t good enough to date out in the open). As far as he was concerned, we were divorced the moment he finally accepted that we were over. Many people do that. I preferred waiting to date until the judge signed the final decree. Fewer potential complications IMO.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Please don’t acknowledge him, do not do anything to make him feel better.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

No more conversations!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Please tell me you don't buy his ********. He had a relationship with his tramp long before he decided he wanted out.....he wouldn't have left the comfort of the marriage without a soft place to land.

So who cares if you're still married? The marriage is over so **** him and the horse he rode in on. Guaranteed this scumbag will be back when his 38 year old ho decides he's not such a great deal. He's trying to keep you as a backup.

Stop having discussions with him and stick to business only


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Please tell me you don't buy his ******. He had a relationship with his tramp long before he decided he wanted out.....he wouldn't have left the comfort of the marriage without a soft place to land.
> 
> So who cares if you're still married? The marriage is over so **** him and the horse he rode in on. Guaranteed this scumbag will be back when his 38 year old ho decides he's not such a great deal. He's trying to keep you as a backup.
> 
> Stop having discussions with him and stick to business only


She won’t be into him 3 months from now. Tell him to **** right off and live with his nubile piece. He’s a joke and not z funny only one. If he’s madly in love 2 years from now I’ll eat my shoe. He’s a sad post midlife crisis


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

Zabu said:


> It seems that he believes that the exact moment that he said, "I want to split up.",


I tend to agree with him. But my husband said me it so many times, and than reconsider, that I no longer sure. Maybe your criteria is better. When he said it in the first and second time, and bought plane tickets to home country, I've payed to *******. Well, I had no intertion to really start relationships with somebody, but wanted to look around. And I said him that I'm going to do it. But when it happened in the third time, I did nothing, and waited three more days.



Zabu said:


> Who split with me for the OW out of the blue after 38 years.)


I'm really sorry about it. Do you still want to return him? Do you still dream about him?

UPDATE: wow, I see use name of the dating website is not permitted.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I had a different response, but then I see you were asking specifically about if an affair becomes a relationship, is it still considered an affair?



Zabu said:


> As far as I'm concerned, we are still married at least until some legal proceeding puts an end to it. He is committing adultery, IMO.


 I'd agree, but you're dealing with a guy who sounds morally bankrupt, so he doesn't care.



> So...In your opinion...when, after one partner decides to call it quits, is sex with the OW/OM no longer an affair but is able to be termed a legitimate "relationship" ?
> 
> Zabu


I wouldn't call what he's doing a legit relationship, he's just coming up with a convenient word salad to make it look like what he's doing is somehow okay. In the end though, the marriage sounds over, from a practical day-to-day level, so in his mind, he's free to ''date'' the OW.


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## Woundidwife (4 mo ago)

I would say that it is an affair until divorce, simply because depending on which state you are in, this is how the law would see it. I live in a no fault state, so this does not apply to my situation. 

However, technically YOU are still married and even if he cheated and there was no evidence (which does happen—as in my case), then if the other spouse (you) began a relationship, if there was evidence of that, YOU could be the fault because of adultery. Until a divorce happens, it is an affair in the eyes of the law—in some states at least. So I would think that even if it doesn’t hold true for finding blame, the principal still applies.)


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> Please tell me you don't buy his ******. He had a relationship with his tramp long before he decided he wanted out.....he wouldn't have left the comfort of the marriage without a soft place to land.
> 
> So who cares if you're still married? The marriage is over so **** him and the horse he rode in on. Guaranteed this scumbag will be back when his 38 year old ho decides he's not such a great deal. He's trying to keep you as a backup.
> 
> Stop having discussions with him and stick to business only


Yes, this. 

If he _really_ said he was out of the marriage, calmly and not in the middle of an argument, *before he met her*, then it might be valid. But as LITS said, he probably met her long before.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

This subject did come up with my ex. In his first marriage they were "separated" for 5 years and dated/slept with others because, in his words, "the marriage was over and it was just a piece of paper".

In our case my ex has kept an ex gf on the side our entire relationship. I filed for divorce, he reluctantly signed, and the papers were sitting on the judge's desk waiting for his signature. Ex demanded to know if I was "cheating" on him because we were "still married". Pretty rich coming from him but cheaters project.

I proceeded to ask about his first marriage and whether he was cheating when he was screwing women during his extended "separation". He had to admit that he was and also admitted that he thought it was just a piece of paper.

So his view of when it was ok had everything to do with what suited him. He didn't want a divorce from me so all of a sudden it wasn't just a piece of paper like it had been with marriage #1. So maybe this comes down to who wants the divorce.

I think it's always better to actually be divorced, but I also understand that divorces can take a long time. But when you have a cheater none of this applies.


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## Firecat (5 d ago)

If he ended the relationship, you are separated. Still legally married, but separated. If you're separated, it's not cheating or an affair.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Man charged with theft:- "So, you see your honour, I believe that property is theft, therefore when I removed the property from the supermarket shelves and left the supermarket without without paying for it I was merely redistributing the property to my own person for my own, personal use!" 

Judge: "An interesting, yet ultimately totally flawed defence. The court finds you guilty of theft and fines you $500 and issue you with six month jail sentence."

Man charged with theft


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## Jakobs (6 mo ago)

In my opinion, when you start intimating with another person other than your spouse. Or you purposely avoid revealing the real depth of your relationship with another person to your spouse. At that point, you're no longer a partner, you're just a check/a warm blanket, so might as well call it quits. The divorce is the cherry on top of the cake, that's all it is.


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## Jakobs (6 mo ago)

Zabu said:


> I had an interesting discussion with my ex. (Who split with me for the OW out of the blue after 38 years.)


I bet he's cheating on the OW too... Once the stomach butterflies are gone, the back to reality is harsh.


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## mwise003 (1 mo ago)

I'm going to answer your question in a different way.

If my wife ever tells me she wants a divorce and she's leaving me, I'm not waiting for the divorce process to finalize before I get some strange. 

I also wouldn't give a rat's ass what she does after that conversation. She has to live with her decision and if she sleeps with someone else, to me that would just be the nail. 
Although honestly, the conversation itself would probably be the nail for me. I won't be settled for or second fiddle.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Zabu said:


> I had an interesting discussion with my ex. (Who split with me for the OW out of the blue after 38 years.)
> It seems that he believes that the exact moment that he said, "I want to split up.", he was effectively no longer married and so had carte blanche to do whatever he wanted with whoever he wanted and no one could call it an affair, nor was he breaking his marriage vows.
> As far as I'm concerned, we are still married at least until some legal proceeding puts an end to it. He is committing adultery, IMO.
> So...In your opinion...when, after one partner decides to call it quits, is sex with the OW/OM no longer an affair but is able to be termed a legitimate "relationship" ?


In my opinion, there at the very least needs to be a solid separation. None of this in-house separation, because that's not really a separation. Both parties need to be living on their own, and acitvely working towards divorce. Some would still say that this is cheating, but personally, I believe that if 2 people are done with each other and working towards divorce, there's nothing wrong with moving on.


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## mwise003 (1 mo ago)

Ursula said:


> In my opinion, there at the very least needs to be a solid separation. None of this in-house separation, because that's not really a separation. Both parties need to be living on their own, and acitvely working towards divorce. Some would still say that this is cheating, but personally, I believe that if 2 people are done with each other and working towards divorce, there's nothing wrong with moving on.


Great point, I wouldn't be living under the same roof for sure!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Once you declare the marriage is over and you want to divorce, you are technically still married but I think that you are a free agent at that point and can date others. You still have some financial and legal obligations to your spouse and any children, but that's about it. If you started dating before that, it's cheating, but that may only matter if it is a factor in divorce proceedings.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Zabu said:


> It seems that he believes that the exact moment that he said, "I want to split up.", he was effectively no longer married and so had carte blanche to do whatever he wanted with whoever he wanted and no one could call it an affair, nor was he breaking his marriage vows.


Did he make it clear the marriage was over and that you were separating in anticipation of divorce? 
"I want to split up" by itself doesn't qualify to me.



Zabu said:


> So...In your opinion...when, after one partner decides to call it quits, is sex with the OW/OM no longer an affair but is able to be termed a legitimate "relationship" ?


I think that once one spouse declares the marriage over, and has made that clear, it's over. Once they start openly dating their AP it's not an affair anymore, it's a relationship. But, again, this depends on making it clear for real that the marriage is actually over.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ursula said:


> In my opinion, there at the very least needs to be a solid separation. None of this in-house separation, because that's not really a separation. Both parties need to be living on their own, and acitvely working towards divorce. Some would still say that this is cheating, but personally, I believe that if 2 people are done with each other and working towards divorce, there's nothing wrong with moving on.


Its not cheating if both agree but its still adultery.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Zabu said:


> I had an interesting discussion with my ex. (Who split with me for the OW out of the blue after 38 years.)
> It seems that he believes that the exact moment that he said, "I want to split up.", he was effectively no longer married and so had carte blanche to do whatever he wanted with whoever he wanted and no one could call it an affair, nor was he breaking his marriage vows.
> As far as I'm concerned, we are still married at least until some legal proceeding puts an end to it. He is committing adultery, IMO.
> So...In your opinion...when, after one partner decides to call it quits, is sex with the OW/OM no longer an affair but is able to be termed a legitimate "relationship" ?
> ...


He is committing adultery, but does it really matter? Unless it would impact your divorce settlement I would just chalk it up to him being a scumbag, nothing more.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

To be honest its usually a bad idea to date that quickly anyway. So waiting till the divorce is well and truly done is more sensible anyway.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

At this point I'm not sure it matters..Semantics...Your husband has moved on and so should you...What's the point of debating if it's adultery... He F# cking someone else


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

This is exactly why I tell people who are looking to divorce to go ahead and file for divorce or legal separation (if you live in a state that requires a year separation before you can divorce). To me, that's enough of a legal declaration to call the marriage over. Anything done after that is not adultery since intent to divorce has been made loud and clear.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Zabu said:


> _*I had an interesting discussion with my ex. (Who split with me for the OW out of the blue after 38 years.)*_
> *It seems that he believes that the exact moment that he said, "I want to split up.", he was effectively no longer married and so had carte blanche to do whatever he wanted with whoever he wanted and no one could call it an affair, nor was he breaking his marriage vows.*


Surely he doesn't expect you to believe that up until he said "I want to split up," he was as pure as the driven snow?

He was having that affair long before he threw away your 38 year marriage. It doesn't matter what he calls it now - the marriage broke up because of his AFFAIR.

Why are you having any discussions at ALL with this arrogant, self-righteous, self-important, self-entitled, self-absorbed POS? Tell him if he has anything to say to you he can go through your lawer. Stop giving this asswipe the time of day.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Until a woman has sex while separated. Then the men claim they’re married until the court date.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

snowbum said:


> Until a woman has sex while separated. Then the men claim they’re married until the court date.


Say what? I’m truly not understanding what you’re saying with this.

If you’re saying the man will claim they are still married until the court date unless his soon to be ex has sex before said court date then this thread clearly demonstrates otherwise. OP’s STBX clearly doesn’t care if she does or doesn’t. Why would he?


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> He is committing adultery, but does it really matter? Unless it would impact your divorce settlement I would just chalk it up to him being a scumbag, nothing more.


This.

What are you trying to accomplish by setting timeliness and getting technical? It shouldn't have much of a bearing.

Just focus on moving on with your life and don't waste mind space on it. He doesn't care. Lawyers and courts usually don't care most states are no fault anyway. It won't affect what he's doing either. It's just a waste of time and energy obsessing over it. 02


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## FakeNews001 (3 mo ago)

Something to think about:






Getting a divorce in Ireland


A divorce decree allows both parties to a marriage to remarry. However, special conditions must be met before a court can grant a divorce.




www.citizensinformation.ie







> Rules for getting a divorce in Ireland
> *You and your spouse must live apart from one another for at least 2 out of the previous 3 years before you can apply for divorce*. Before 1 December 2019, this was 4 out of the previous 5 years.


We have someone from Ireland on this forum going through this. Would you accuse him of adultery?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

snowbum said:


> Until a woman has sex while separated. Then the men claim they’re married until the court date.


There you go again. Starting the gender war.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

My husband was technically married when we met (no, we didn't have an affair, ew). Legal separation had been filed long ago, financial settlement/custody all sorted and ex wife was living with another man. The divorce was merely a formality. He filed for divorce when we decided to get married. The divorce had been granted but not finalised when we got engaged.


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## DonJuan (Oct 20, 2021)

I think for me the marriage was over when I first heard spouse say I hate you. I couldn’t help but believe her, and waiting on another persons signature to tell me I have to think of myself as married, wasn’t going to keep me from thinking that I didn’t want to be married anymore. My spouse didn’t cheat so I kinda think of all my affairs as exit affairs. If my spouse had cheated, then that would be enough for me to end the marriage in every way but legally, which I had to do, but when you have to hire processors to serve papers they won’t sign for, it can take an extra two years. I’m certainly not waiting on that signature to start dating and getting to know someone for two years because of her refusal to sign for papers that she’s going to get served to her anyway by a processor.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Not said:


> Say what? I’m truly not understanding what you’re saying with this.
> 
> If you’re saying the man will claim they are still married until the court date unless his soon to be ex has sex before said court date then this thread clearly demonstrates otherwise. OP’s STBX clearly doesn’t care if she does or doesn’t. Why would he?


She was throwing in a little man hating for some reason. That there is some kind of double standard in reference to Lila's post.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Its not cheating if both agree but its still adultery.


Oh absolutely, if the new couple is intimate and one or both are still technically in marriages and working towards divorce, it's absolutely adultery according to the proper definition of adultery.


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## FakeNews001 (3 mo ago)

Ursula said:


> Oh absolutely, if the new couple is intimate and one or both are still technically in marriages and working towards divorce, it's absolutely adultery according to the proper definition of adultery.


Hold on. What's the "proper definition of adultery?"


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

FakeNews001 said:


> Hold on. What's the "proper definition of adultery?"


sexual intercourse with someone other than your spouse


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

BigDaddyNY said:


> sexual intercourse with someone other than your spouse


Precisely. It can be non-consensual from the spouse's viewpoint, which makes it cheating. If the spouse knows and okays it, it's ethical non-monogamy. Either way, it can be adultery, but only in one scenario is it infidelity or cheating.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Zabu said:


> I had an interesting discussion with my ex. (Who split with me for the OW out of the blue after 38 years.)
> It seems that he believes that the exact moment that he said, "I want to split up.", he was effectively no longer married and so had carte blanche to do whatever he wanted with whoever he wanted and no one could call it an affair, nor was he breaking his marriage vows.
> As far as I'm concerned, we are still married at least until some legal proceeding puts an end to it. He is committing adultery, IMO.
> So...In your opinion...when, after one partner decides to call it quits, is sex with the OW/OM no longer an affair but is able to be termed a legitimate "relationship" ?
> ...


I appreciate those of a religious bent have a different view, but as far as I'm concerned if some says it's over, it's over, you are free to do as you please. As long as both parties are under no illusion and it applies to both parties equally


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## FakeNews001 (3 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> sexual intercourse with someone other than your spouse


So, our friends from Ireland who were cheated on and need to wait 2-3 years before getting a divorce, are they adulterers?


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## Firecat (5 d ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> sexual intercourse with someone other than your spouse


No, it's not "adultery" if you are separated.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Zabu said:


> I had an interesting discussion with my ex. (Who split with me for the OW out of the blue after 38 years.)
> It seems that he believes that the exact moment that he said, "I want to split up.", he was effectively no longer married and so had carte blanche to do whatever he wanted with whoever he wanted and no one could call it an affair, nor was he breaking his marriage vows.
> As far as I'm concerned, we are still married at least until some legal proceeding puts an end to it. He is committing adultery, IMO.
> So...In your opinion...when, after one partner decides to call it quits, is sex with the OW/OM no longer an affair but is able to be termed a legitimate "relationship" ?
> ...


Speaking from a biblical sense.

When unfaithful spouse is served. 

Another scenario, if cheating is a definite known deal breaker, it could be said that the adultry by WS is their notice to BS to dissolve the marriage contract, BS just accepts the notice. 
In that instance when the vows were violated and BS is made aware. BS is free to look for replacement for WS.

Biblically, the WS can never remarry or they are committing adultry with a new spouse. They are biblically bound to the BS in hopes the WS reconciles and does not marry another.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Its not cheating if both agree but its still adultery.


Adultry on the part of the WS, yes. Will always be, unless the BS reconciles with WS. But once the BS files and WS is served, the BS is biblically released from the marriage. The final ruling from the judge is just govt red tape to split up belongings/financials.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Firecat said:


> No, it's not "adultery" if you are separated.


Provided both spouses agreed it was a separation to lead to divorce and not a case of one spouse playing the field while the other thinks they're working on the marriage.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Firecat said:


> No, it's not "adultery" if you are separated.


Actually it still is. Separated is not divorce, so you still have a spouse. Sex with another person is still adultery, even if you spouse doesn't give a ****.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

The intent of marriage is a stated commitment to another.

OP's STBX has stated that he is ending the relationship. His intent is no longer a stated commitment to her.

She should move on based on that.

Might he have cheated before he said that, very likely, but at this point, he is telling her the marriage is over, and she is trying to get him on a technicality... his intent is clear, and the intent of being married is over.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Zabu said:


> I had an interesting discussion with my ex. (Who split with me for the OW out of the blue after 38 years.)
> It seems that he believes that the exact moment that he said, "I want to split up.", he was effectively no longer married and so had carte blanche to do whatever he wanted with whoever he wanted and no one could call it an affair, nor was he breaking his marriage vows.
> As far as I'm concerned, we are still married at least until some legal proceeding puts an end to it. He is committing adultery, IMO.
> So...In your opinion...when, after one partner decides to call it quits, is sex with the OW/OM no longer an affair but is able to be termed a legitimate "relationship" ?
> ...


I think if it was clear he was divorcing then it is no longer a relationship. Waiting for legal proceedings which can drag on for years at that point would just be a technicality IMO.

Of course some people say stuff then change their mind, in that case it would be cheating. Until it is clear usually with divorce papers in hand or separation, I think it's cheating.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> Precisely. It can be non-consensual from the spouse's viewpoint, which makes it cheating. If the spouse knows and okays it, it's ethical non-monogamy. Either way, it can be adultery, but only in one scenario is it infidelity or cheating.


In my mind, if a couple is actively working towards divorce, both parties are free to do as they please, and personally, I don't think of it as cheating. I was separated and working towards divorce when I met someone. We started dating and being intimate, and I didn't announce that to my former spouse, nor did I ask his permission. I felt the same way about his actions; if former spouse had met someone, I wouldn't expect him to announce/ask me that either, and I wouldn't think of that as cheating either. Merely moving on from a toxic marriage.

However, not everyone views things this way, and that's OK too.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Divinely Favored said:


> Adultry on the part of the WS, yes. Will always be, unless the BS reconciles with WS. But once the BS files and WS is served, the BS is biblically released from the marriage. The final ruling from the judge is just govt red tape to split up belongings/financials.


If there's filing and divorce, wouldn't they both be biblically and literally released from the marriage?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Ursula said:


> If there's filing and divorce, wouldn't they both be biblically and literally released from the marriage?


Bible says that one who was divorced by their spouse due to sexually immoral behavior and remarries, commits adultry with new spouse. If you cheat and get divorced, Bible basically says you either reconcile or remain chaste the rest of your time. 

God is serious as a heart attack about adultry and marriage covenant, people don't care.


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## Firecat (5 d ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> Bible says that one who was divorced by their spouse due to sexually immoral behavior and remarries, commits adultry with new spouse. If you cheat and get divorced, Bible basically says you either reconcile or remain chaste the rest of your time.
> 
> God is serious as a heart attack about adultry and marriage covenant, people don't care.


where does it say that?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Divinely Favored said:


> Bible says that one who was divorced by their spouse due to sexually immoral behavior and remarries, commits adultry with new spouse. If you cheat and get divorced, Bible basically says you either reconcile or remain chaste the rest of your time.
> 
> God is serious as a heart attack about adultry and marriage covenant, people don't care.


I don't condone cheating by any means (and to me, that means a spouse interracting with another person with intentions to take it further or betray their spouse while IN the actual marriage). After separation with intention to divorce, to me, it's done and anything else is fair game. But wow, what you said that the bible says is just so sad, especially coming from someone who's supposed to be so loving and accepting of others. Kind of a double standard in my mind.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Firecat said:


> where does it say that?


Good explanation here: 



Divorce, Remarriage: Who May Remarry according to the Bible?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Ursula said:


> I don't condone cheating by any means (and to me, that means a spouse interracting with another person with intentions to take it further or betray their spouse while IN the actual marriage). After separation with intention to divorce, to me, it's done and anything else is fair game. But wow, what you said that the bible says is just so sad, especially coming from someone who's supposed to be so loving and accepting of others. Kind of a double standard in my mind.


Adultery and cheating are two different things. 

Why is it sad? Basically it means the cheater gave up their right to be someone else's spouse in the eyes of God when they stepped outside the marriage. Seems just to me.


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## Firecat (5 d ago)

There are multiple interpretations of that passage. Seems to me it says if one person commits sexual immorality, it says both people are free to leave and remarry.

Also, there are many kinds of sexual immorality; I'd consider refusing a spouse to be a form of sexual immorality as well.

Finally, not everyone takes the Bible as authority; for others, as a matter of general ethics, separation ends any duty to be faithful, regardless of what the Bible says.


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## DonJuan (Oct 20, 2021)

Ursula said:


> If there's filing and divorce, wouldn't they both be biblically and literally released from the marriage?


What is a biblical marriage? Did they buy a license for biblical marriages?


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## Firecat (5 d ago)

DonJuan said:


> What is a biblical marriage? Did they buy a license for biblical marriages?


So a couple US states have a thing called "covenant marriage" (my law professor called it "super marriage") where a couple has an option of checking a box on a legal form to make it harder to get divorced, effectively strengthening their marriage by making their exit options more burdensome.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Adultery and cheating are two different things.
> 
> Why is it sad? Basically it means the cheater gave up their right to be someone else's spouse in the eyes of God when they stepped outside the marriage. Seems just to me.


Oh yes, I know, and I just think it's sad that only one is allowed to move on with their lives. Now, if it was actual cheating (before a separation), then sure there should be punishment.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

DonJuan said:


> What is a biblical marriage? Did they buy a license for biblical marriages?


I have no idea; those were words from someone else. My guess is it would be a wedding that happened in a church or religious institution, but your guess is probably as good as mine, haha!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

FakeNews001 said:


> Hold on. What's the "proper definition of adultery?"


The legal definition I think people are referring to.



Firecat said:


> No, it's not "adultery" if you are separated.


Morally no, but legally yes. Some people just like to nit pick I think.



Ursula said:


> I don't condone cheating by any means (and to me, that means a spouse interracting with another person with intentions to take it further or betray their spouse while IN the actual marriage). After separation with intention to divorce, to me, it's done and anything else is fair game. But wow, what you said that the bible says is just so sad, especially coming from someone who's supposed to be so loving and accepting of others. Kind of a double standard in my mind.


The bible is a load of horse excrement honey, and people who go to church regularly some of the most judgemental people you'll ever meet. Don't worry about it x


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Ursula said:


> I don't condone cheating by any means (and to me, that means a spouse interracting with another person with intentions to take it further or betray their spouse while IN the actual marriage). After separation with intention to divorce, to me, it's done and anything else is fair game. But wow, what you said that the bible says is just so sad, especially coming from someone who's supposed to be so loving and accepting of others. Kind of a double standard in my mind.


I just said what The Book says...


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

DonJuan said:


> What is a biblical marriage? Did they buy a license for biblical marriages?


A marriage covenant with your spouse before God. Not just a throw away marriage like many are now. Applies to all who CLAIM to be Christians. 

The Bible only provides for divorce and remarry for Christians, due to sexual immorality by spouse or abandonment by non- Christian spouse. "Does not mean you have to live with a violent abusive spouse" but does not give you grounds to divorce and remarry. Wait for them to start hooking up with another, then you have biblical grounds because of adultry.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Ursula said:


> Oh yes, I know, and I just think it's sad that only one is allowed to move on with their lives. Now, if it was actual cheating (before a separation), then sure there should be punishment.


If you are separated and have "filed for divorce" from a cheating spouse, you have met the requirements set out in the Bible. It says basically, you have given spouse "Notice" (served)you are divorcing them.
It could be argued though if you start sleeping around and do not divorce then it would be adultry by you also. Key is them being served divorce papers.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Firecat said:


> , there are many kinds of sexual immorality; I'd consider refusing a spouse to be a form of sexual immorality as well.
> 
> 
> Finally, not everyone takes the Bible as authority; for others, as a matter of general ethics,


I agree with 1st paragraph also. It is immoral sexually to withhold intimacy from a spouse.

Who is to say something is ethical or not without a rules to live by that do not change. I get those from the Bible. Most of our moral laws in the US come from the Bible.


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