# My Story of Destruction and Recovery (Part 2)



## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

WARNING...VERY LONG.......

So how does one go from lies to the truth?

The weeks that followed Dday were some of the most difficult and challenging. Our lives were turned upside down and chaos was all we faced. All at once I was faced with the flood of my lies and betrayal and the knowledge that I had hurt the one person who trusted me most and loved me more than imaginable. How could I have been so cruel?

There was only one thing that I could do. I had to tell the truth. All of it! I wish I could say that it was easy to do this, but it’s not. I had to figure out how to drop my ego and go against every instinct I had to try to protect myself and my BS from further pain. This is what causes trickle truth. One day you drop your ego and open up. Once the truth is out, you see the pain each word causes and how hard it is to relive your betrayal. Welcome back your protector...your ego. 

If you find yourself in a situation like mine, drop your ego COMPLETELY! The only thing that will hurt your BS more than your affair itself is cover up and trickle truth. Each time he/she learns something new will be like Dday all over again. I made this mistake too many times, and each time found myself back to the beginning. Spare your BS this pain. If you can’t be honest, let them go! 

I started working backwards. From Dday....all of the details of the last night with the xOM. Then backwards through the previous year...each encounter. My biggest struggles were with the details that my BS was looking for. It was both a factor of not wanting to hurt him and also not wanting to remember, but accessing the details of every sexual experience, texts, and conversation was extremely difficult. I sought advice from this forum and received a few good suggestions. 

One suggestion was to create a timeline of events during the affair. I began this exercise and found that sitting down at the computer and seeing my words in black and white allowed me to delve much deeper into my memories than I had been able to just in conversations with my BS. It also allowed me to be honest with myself about details of events and emotions. My timeline is not complete, but what I have written I have shared with my BS.

The second suggestion was to start a journal with my BS where we could both write whatever we wanted. This opened up a lot of dialog between us and initiated a lot of face-to-face conversations that otherwise might have been too difficult for either of us to start. In lieu of a journal of pen and paper, I chose to use a cloud based document in which we both had access to. We both had editing rights and could be on simultaneously, although we were cognizant of each other’s need to write without the other “looking over our shoulder”. This is an ongoing document that currently exceeds 40 pages of entries, each one dated. I envision this document being a permanent part of our relationship. Both as a way to reflect on where we have been and also as a means of communication.

There was a tremendous amount of reveal, not only about the facts and details of the affair, but also about our marriage preceding the affair. The most pivotal point of our marriage preceding the affair was the loss of a baby at 10 weeks of pregnancy. This occurred approximately 7 years prior to Dday, 2 years before the affair. Both of us were very excited to be having a second child. When I noticed that I was spotting, I contacted my OBGyn and my husband, who was out of town on a trip. Being the “strong” woman, I told my BS that I was OK and would deal with whatever happened. My BS was able to be home for the necessary D&C, but I stayed very sterile about the whole thing. It was common, after all. There must have been something wrong with the baby so it wasn’t able to survive. Essentially, I shut out my BS from seeing any sadness that I had about the loss, and subsequently prevented him from feeling as though he could express his feelings of loss.

And so, a new stage of our marriage. We went about our lives as if nothing had happened, but never really talked about anything of great consequence. I started to build a wall and pulled away both emotionally and sexually. He became busier in his job and was gone more frequently. We did have a second child, a little over a year after the miscarriage. We both thought that that would be a turning point, and things would be OK. If anything, things got worse.

My BS was gone, I was busier than ever with 2 children, a full time job, the house, the bills, etc.... I resented my BS because he had none of the responsibility, but all of benefits. He could come home, have his bills paid, dinner made, laundry done, playtime with the kids, then off to another adventure somewhere tropical. I hated hearing him say that he didn’t enjoy being away....he’d rather have me with him. I couldn’t understand how he could not enjoy being away....I just wanted to escape. But, I never told him. I never let him know how much I hated being alone and doing it all myself and how much I needed him. I never wanted to admit that I needed anyone. I thought I had to be the dutiful, supportive wife. This was the life I chose, I had to deal with it.

Well, obviously, I didn’t deal with it! I made the worst choice of my life and entered into an affair. It was my escape. Albeit temporary, I didn’t have any responsibilities to anyone for 2 hours. That was the biggest lie of all....to myself. I selfishly perpetuated this affair as if it were a drug of escape. It never fixed the problems in my marriage, it only made them worse and made the chasm and walls between my BS and me wider and bigger.

Knowing the truth of the details of the affairs helps my BS work through his mind movies and have a clear picture of what I did. Knowing the state of our marriage and what led to me choosing an affair is helping both of us move forward and not make the same mistakes. There was nothing in our marriage that warranted me having an affair, and I am not using these circumstances as an excuse, just as a lense into my state of mind. There is nothing that my BS did that warranted my affair, the choice was mine alone.

I am thankful every day that we have an opportunity to learn from our marital mistakes and my poor choices to make our relationship stronger, someday.

There will be a part 3 to this post as there is additional fallout that has occurred.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I like what you had to say about trickle truth. It is true that everytime you learn something new it causes a deep sense of pain and triggers new rounds of anger and distrust.

It took my 10 months to finaly tell me everything and that has allowed me to close a chapter of my life and start moving forward in the next one.

I still have those ups and downs but really for the first time I really thought we could rebuild something.

I still have my doubts but I no longer lurk in the land of what else do I not know?


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

JB100 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I just don't understand. I know there are no justifications for affairs but usually the cheater, while in the fog, makes some justifications such as the husband being "neglectful". So in your case, what motivated the affair on your part? Was it just the need to escape?
> 
> ...



The motivation was a need to escape....yes, I was tired of doing everything, but I was also very unhappy that my marriage was in the crapper, but didn't know why (at the time) and didn't know what to do.

My husband was away almost every week, 4-5 days at a time, home for a couple, then gone again. Sometimes he was gone for a week, or two, or more. He did not have any set schedule and could be gone for weeks on end with no warning.

By the time he left his job and pursued his new career, our marriage was nothing but a shell of a relationship. Both of us unhappy and miserable, but going through the motions as if all was OK. He walked on egg shells thinking it was all his fault (my doing....as I regularly blamed him for being unhappy), and I was too much of a coward to really face the truth and what my actions had done.

Why did I continue? That is a question I have worked very hard to answer. The answer I have come up with is that I was still seeking an escape from a situation that I was unhappy with. I perpetuated my lies to myself that my marriage trouble were my husband's fault. I would not say that my husband outwardly neglected me, I wouldn't let him in. I shut him out of providing me with any emotional needs that I had....I caused what I perceived as neglect. And he felt powerless.

I hated admitting that the truth that the troubles were my fault as well, and thus amplified by my affair. Once I did, I felt so horrified that I ever led my BS to believe that he was at fault and also relieved that I could actually do something to repair what was broken.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

You are remorseful and thats all the motivation that most people who love you need, to start the process of rebuilding any kind of relationship.

I wish you and your husband luck in R.

I hope you now realize the difference between love and fantasy.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

I got some very interesting notions from your story Regret214. Thanks for sharing it with us.


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## cabin fever (Feb 9, 2012)

i admire your courage to come on here, and spill your guts. Most of the WS seem to get thrown to the wolves by BS on here. I have been guilty of it myself. 

Its very refreshing to see a WS that is commited and owns her/his faults. Its also enlightening to read what goes on in the mind of the WS. 

I wish others on here could simply read, process, and then formulate a well though out response, before just bashing someone. 

I wish you luck in your journey. Speaking from experience, I know its not easy, and can only say that your husband has most likely lost the majority of his confidence, and it will take awhile to get it back. 

Again, thanks, and good luck.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

It's very hard to forgive an affair let alone a long term one. Your husband seems to be a very forgiving man and is evidently very loving towards you. 

Out of curiosity though, you mentioned that your miscarriage played a pivotal role for pushing you toward the A, amongst other things. Did you consider the pregnancy of the OM's wife and it being a special time for her, becoming a mother for the first time and having hopes for the future....didn't you feel uneasy about taking away all of that from her?


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Complexity said:


> Out of curiosity though, you mentioned that your miscarriage played a pivotal role for pushing you toward the A, amongst other things. Did you consider the pregnancy of the OM's wife and it being a special time for her, becoming a mother for the first time and having hopes for the future....didn't you feel uneasy about taking away all of that from her?


Thank you for asking this question. It is one that I had intended on addressing, but neglected with all of the other issues I was discussing...

First of all, my miscarriage was not the pivotal role that pushed me towards the A. It did play a pivotal role, however, in the relationship I had with my husband. Following the loss, I shut down and closed myself off to him. Our relationship continued to suffer for 2 years prior to my A. I don't see any correlation between the loss and the A...I mentioned it only to explain the state of my marriage.

In terms of my feelings towards the xOM's wife's pregnancy(s). I regret to say that with the first, I was so self absorbed that I didn't even consider it. When I heard of her second pregnancy, I recall questioning (to myself) why would the xOM continue to see me while living this seemingly perfect life with his wife and 1.5 kids. I knew why I was there (or at least I thought I did), but never discussed his feelings or reasons. Hindsight is 20/20 and I am ashamed to have played any role in the destruction of their family. I pray that the xOM's BS will be able to find happiness one day and that her children are loved. I can never forgive myself for being so destructive.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Has the OM tried to contact you again and hook up? Did you talk to him? 

Did you eve break NC?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Has the OM tried to contact you again and hook up? Did you talk to him?
> 
> Did you eve break NC?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, no and no!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm curious how you and the AP had a five year sexual affair yet neither of you tried to continue it past D day. Why was that as its very unusual.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

When the affair was discovered by my BS, I was sincerely relieved that I no longer had to live that lie. The stress of covering my ass had gotten to be too much, which is one reason why I only saw the xOM once every other month or so. I had no desire to contact the xOM or ever see him again.

I did fear that he would try to contact me, however. I had already planned on telling him to leave me alone if I did hear from him. But, I never did. Now, I know why. He didn't tell his wife about the affair despite my BSs threat that if he didn't come clean, my BS would let her know. The xOM impersonated his BS in a response to an email to my husband that asked him to respect her need to reconcile and work through things. Until, a month later in a moment of angry weakness, my husband sent another email sharing a few details of the affair in hopes that the xOM hadn't shared a few things. This was her Dday. She immediately threw the xOM out. Ina few weeks she asked for more details as she was not getting anything from the xOM.

So, back to your question.....I am sure he just dropped it to save his ass. There was no emotional relationship between us....there was no loss for me.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Could you please give your husband a high 5 for me for his follow though with the OMW. Very well done indeed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Op, you are a lucky, lucky woman. After reading your posts about how long your affair lasted, I would have dumped you in micro-seconds.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Badblood said:


> Op, you are a lucky, lucky woman. After reading your posts about how long your affair lasted, I would have dumped you in micro-seconds.


Ditto. But I do honestly hope that both of them go on and have a good marriage ahead.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Oh, I know how lucky I am. And I will never risk losing the one in a million husband that I have ever again. How completely blind I was! Thank you for your encouragement.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

You strayed, you got a better husband.
OMW and her children did nothing wrong but they lost everything. Strange world. 
I hope OMW will find a real man not a SCUM BAG.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Good wishes for your R. You are really lucky that you got a second chance and a husband who is forgiving, loving.

R is a long process may god give you and your husband the strength to move on and have a better and stronger marriage.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Have you and your husband considered doing a symbolic death of the old marriage and the birth of a new one via a new marriage ceremony?


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

morituri said:


> Have you and your husband considered doing a symbolic death of the old marriage and the birth of a new one via a new marriage ceremony?


We have discussed renewing our vows (he initiated this) as a means of symbolizing our re-commitment to each other and to our marriage. I recognize that 5 years of our marriage was a lie and we are planning on writing our own vows to renew on our 12th anniversary on 8-12-12.


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## MAP (Dec 18, 2011)

Regret214,

Thank you for sharing what happened. I also thank your H for agreeing to let you share this experience on TAM (I assume he agreed to you posting this). Please continue posting and responding to more of the questions as I think you are really helping many people with your candid descriptors and reflections. 

BTW If you read other posts on TAM and similar websites, you will see R is definitely possible even after a long term affair. While it will not be easy, my impression is that you and your H will have a stronger and happier marriage than you did before the A.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Regret214 said:


> We have discussed renewing our vows (he initiated this) as a means of symbolizing our re-commitment to each other and to our marriage. I recognize that 5 years of our marriage was a lie and we are planning on writing our own vows to renew on our 12th anniversary on 8-12-12.


Then let that be year 0 of your new marriage. Celebrate the new date as the anniversary of your new marriage. Also, if finances permit it, give each other new wedding bands to symbolize the new marriage and bury the old ones to symbolize the death of the old marriage. Lastly consider throwing away any and all your pieces of clothing that were from the period of your affair and if your husband asks about it, tell him that you want nothing that was associated with those 5 years of hell. On the surface these may seem trivial but they can pack a big punch on behalf of both your personal recoveries. Give it some thought.


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## not who i used to be (Jul 3, 2012)

Regret214 said:


> We have discussed renewing our vows (he initiated this) as a means of symbolizing our re-commitment to each other and to our marriage. I recognize that 5 years of our marriage was a lie and we are planning on writing our own vows to renew on our 12th anniversary on 8-12-12.


Not slamming you. I have a few very blunt questions.

I am curious, was the sex with the om good, mind blowing, bad? Did you like sex with the om more than your husband?

Five years is a very long time to keep bumping uglies behind your husbands back. Would the having sex with the om still be going on had you not been caught? 

Do you think that perhaps you are nearing the age where you start losing your sex appeal and that might be why you want to have your husband stick with you because you might not be that appealing to other men anymore? I have no idea how old you are, but it's a legit question.

Your wedding vows were broken the first time you gave into your sexual urges and had sex with someone other than your husband, so how can you renew broken vows?

You say that your husband posts on here as well. I have not had time to read all of the posts you have written. What is his username? I would like to see his side of this.

Congrats on having someone who is as forgiving as your husband. 

Thanks.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Thanks for sharing this. Hope you guys rebuild this marriage as you wishes.

ETA
I'm not sure whether you already told this but is your husband a TAM member? It's not you have to respond this but if he posted his side here I'd like to read it.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

MAP said:


> Regret214,
> 
> Thank you for sharing what happened. I also thank your H for agreeing to let you share this experience on TAM (I assume he agreed to you posting this). Please continue posting and responding to more of the questions as I think you are really helping many people with your candid descriptors and reflections.
> 
> BTW If you read other posts on TAM and similar websites, you will see R is definitely possible even after a long term affair. While it will not be easy, my impression is that you and your H will have a stronger and happier marriage than you did before the A.


Thank you for your words of encouragement. My husband has been aware of my postings and has read them as well as many of the comments. My hopes are that my experiences help others, both BS and WS. It has certainly been a therapeutic exercise for me.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Thanks for sharing this. Hope you guys rebuild this marriage as you wishes.
> 
> ETA
> I'm not sure whether you already told this but is your husband a TAM member? It's not you have to respond this but if he posted his side here I'd like to read it.


No, he is not a member with TAM...but is on another forum (LoveShack). I will make a suggestion to him that perhaps he join here as well so that others can see both sides.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

morituri said:


> Then let that be year 0 of your new marriage. Celebrate the new date as the anniversary of your new marriage. Also, if finances permit it, give each other new wedding bands to symbolize the new marriage and bury the old ones to symbolize the death of the old marriage. Lastly consider throwing away any and all your pieces of clothing that were from the period of your affair and if your husband asks about it, tell him that you want nothing that was associated with those 5 years of hell. On the surface these may seem trivial but they can pack a big punch on behalf of both your personal recoveries. Give it some thought.


I have already disposed of several articles of clothing that I know the xOM saw. In addition, I disposed of underwear.

My husband does plan on getting a new wedding band. We have discussed getting a new one for me as well, but cost is an issue.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Regret214 said:


> No, he is not a member with TAM...but is on another forum (LoveShack). I will make a suggestion to him that perhaps he join here as well so that others can see both sides.


Aha, I almost asked you about this. I thought I saw this same scenario in several of his threads. He seemed very hurt since he started several threads over there. You also seem very regretful for the affair (still can't wrap my head around 5 years though). Have you read each other threads? It may help you both see more of what happened through each others eyes.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

not who i used to be said:


> Not slamming you. I have a few very blunt questions.
> 
> I am curious, was the sex with the om good, mind blowing, bad? Did you like sex with the om more than your husband?
> 
> ...


Thank you for your questions and your encouragement.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Aha, I almost asked you about this. I thought I saw this same scenario in several of his threads. He seemed very hurt since he started several threads over there. You also seem very regretful for the affair (still can't wrap my head around 5 years though). Have you read each other threads? It may help you both see more of what happened through each others eyes.



I haven't read all of his posts, only those that he has chosen to share with me. He has read my threads. Our journal has helped us in sharing the way you have suggested. It is helpful to both of us, however, to be able to field questions from others in similar situations.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Regret214 said:


> Originally Posted by not who i used to be View Post
> Not slamming you. I have a few very blunt questions.
> 
> I am curious, was the sex with the om good, mind blowing, bad? Did you like sex with the om more than your husband?
> ...


Regret - thanks for answering these questions with such apparent honesty. I have asked my WW the same and received more or less identical answers. It gives me some comfort to know that she might be telling a sort of truth at least.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Hi everyone. My name is Dig and I'm Regret214's husband. After talking to my wife about this, we've decided that I would join here to give my side of the story. I've been a member at another forum since April. Dday was 3/6. I'll go start a new thread to introduce myself. In all honesty, I hope with our "story", we can maybe help others while healing our own marriage.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Hi everyone. My name is Dig and I'm Regret214's husband. After talking to my wife about this, we've decided that I would join here to give my side of the story. I've been a member at another forum since April. Dday was 3/6. I'll go start a new thread to introduce myself. In all honesty, I hope with our "story", we can maybe help others while healing our own marriage.


Thank you.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Actually I lurk on Loveshack on occasion, and I've read this story. OM was in you and your BHs circle of friends, right? You had a Long Term Affair (LTA) with "paul" for 5 years, which only stopped because your BH discovered it. Obviously it would have gone on even longer if your BH didn't know about it. Your BH says that you told him that you only had sex with your OM only once every other month.

Sorry, but I have grave doubts about this. It flies in the face of everything we know about affairs and affair dynamics. If you had sex only every other month, then why have sex, or even an affair at all? Your BH says your rendezvous place for sex was in a room in your basement, but not in any other room in the house? I cannot help but think there is Trickle Truth going on here. 

Now you seem remorseful, but FWIW, you're not the first WS to come here and say that they're remorseful and say they want to heal their marriage. I'm sorry, but I'm a bit skeptical.


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

Questions...

When your husband told you to go take a shower if you wanted him to sleep in the same bed,
What were your feelings while in the shower?

Were you in a state of shock?
Did you cry realizing that you had been found out?


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Actually I lurk on Loveshack on occasion, and I've read this story. OM was in you and your BHs circle of friends, right? You had a Long Term Affair (LTA) with "paul" for 5 years, which only stopped because your BH discovered it. Obviously it would have gone on even longer if your BH didn't know about it. Your BH says that you told him that you only had sex with your OM only once every other month.
> 
> Sorry, but I have grave doubts about this. It flies in the face of everything we know about affairs and affair dynamics. If you had sex only every other month, then why have sex, or even an affair at all? Your BH says your rendezvous place for sex was in a room in your basement, but not in any other room in the house? I cannot help but think there is Trickle Truth going on here.
> 
> Now you seem remorseful, but FWIW, you're not the first WS to come here and say that they're remorseful and say they want to heal their marriage. I'm sorry, but I'm a bit skeptical.


It was a friend of "Paul's" with whom I had the affair. And yes, as I have previously admitted, the affair would have continued until I grew a set, stopped it and came clean.

Initially, I saw the xOM a couple times a month...then less frequently. Please refer to 'My Story...(part 1)' for more particulars. And due to my children, we did only have sex in the room in the basement. Unless at his house or in a hotel.

I know I am not the only WS to say I am remorseful....you can believe what you want....but until you are here in my shoes, in my home, and have had your feet held over the fire day after day.....you have no right to judge. I am not trying to be a jerk, but I am sincere in my desire to reconcile and know the truth is the only path to take.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

SoulStorm said:


> Questions...
> 
> When your husband told you to go take a shower if you wanted him to sleep in the same bed,
> What were your feelings while in the shower?
> ...


I cried, yes....not because I had been found out, but because I had hurt Dig and didn't know if I would ever be able have my family back.

FYI....these are very difficult questions. Thank you for asking. If I can clarify anything, please let me know.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Regret214 said:


> I cried, yes....not because I had been found out, but because I had hurt Dig and didn't know if I would ever be able have my family back.
> 
> FYI....these are very difficult questions. Thank you for asking. If I can clarify anything, please let me know.


You are doing well Regret. It isn't an easy thing to come on here and pour out to this many people about one of the worst things you have ever done. But answering these questions may help someone else who is hurting, so answer what you can and know that it could help save someone else


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

JB100 said:


> Just out of curiosity, how many times total in the 5 year affair did you have sex with the OM?
> 
> *My best estimate is around 40 times.*
> 
> ...


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

Regret214 said:


> I cried, yes....not because I had been found out, but because I had hurt Dig and didn't know if I would ever be able have my family back.
> 
> FYI....these are very difficult questions. Thank you for asking. If I can clarify anything, please let me know.


Thanks for answering my questions

Five years is a long time.
You did a lot of projecting to survive being deceptive.
I did read that he was doing the bulk of the contacting after a period of time.
I cannot remember, but did he blackmail you into continuing or did this just become routine?
He calls... you go
During these calls did you tell him no..or was it always yes?


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

SoulStorm said:


> Thanks for answering my questions
> 
> Five years is a long time.
> You did a lot of projecting to survive being deceptive.
> ...


I did a lot of lying and hiding...there was no blackmail and yes, it did become routine. I did say no, I did ignore calls until I just gave in....this was the case for the last 18 months of the affair. I felt kinda trapped in a routine and didn't know how to break the chains. I was weak!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What did you get out of the affair(first 3 years vs the last 2)? If saying truth hurt your R, would you say it?(trick question, I know)


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

JB100 said:


> I think one of the dirtiest things about the affair is that for five years when you and your husband would make love, he would have no idea that another man has been there frequently. I think that that aspect is cruel, especially if he gave you oral or anything like that.
> 
> *I agree.*
> 
> ...


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> What did you get out of the affair(first 3 years vs the last 2)? If saying truth hurt your R, would you say it?(trick question, I know)


Good question, and the truth is all out there....though ashamed, I have nothing to hide from Dig.

The entire A was about my need to escape the reality of my life and my perceived reality of my marriage. The first couple years were more enjoyable as I felt some friendly connection to the xOM. The last few years were more of a routine and the continued desire for escape, but certainly felt like nothing more than a piece of ass in the eyes of the xOM. I have to back up in time about 22 years here for a bit. When I was in college I used sex as a means of getting attention...it wasn't about any emotional connection with the guys....it was just about the attention. I spent my 20s and most of my 30s overcoming my ****ty behavior and growing up and finding myself. In a way, I feel that I regressed back to my college days and lost sight of who I was. I am working again at finding the real me inside, and am grateful that I have Dig to stand by me through this process. He is very intuitive, very honest and asks tough questions to challenge me.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

1. Have you paid back to your husband the money you uses to pay for the hotel rooms 
2. You story made it sound like this ended a long time ago and that you have had a successful recover, but I see from your husbands thread that it's only been 4 months since the last time you had sex with the OM. Interesting the two ways you view how long it's been.

3. Have you posted the xOM on cheaterville.com to warn his future partners/wives?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Regret214 said:


> Good question, and the truth is all out there....though ashamed, I have nothing to hide from Dig.
> 
> The entire A was about my need to escape the reality of my life and my perceived reality of my marriage. The first couple years were more enjoyable as I felt some friendly connection to the xOM. The last few years were more of a routine and the continued desire for escape, but certainly felt like nothing more than a piece of ass in the eyes of the xOM. I have to back up in time about 22 years here for a bit. * When I was in college I used sex as a means of getting attention...it wasn't about any emotional connection with the guys....it was just about the attention. I spent my 20s and most of my 30s overcoming my ****ty behavior and growing up and finding myself*. In a way, I feel that I regressed back to my college days and lost sight of who I was. I am working again at finding the real me inside, and am grateful that I have Dig to stand by me through this process. He is very intuitive, very honest and asks tough questions to challenge me.


This explains some more of your actions.

What do you mean by ****ty behavior? Did you cheat in your previous relationships too? Can you tell us a bit more about this time? 

And would you call it regression if you were only monogamous 5-6 years in your adult life.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Regret214 said:


> It was a friend of "Paul's" with whom I had the affair. And yes, as I have previously admitted, the affair would have continued until I grew a set, stopped it and came clean.
> 
> Initially, I saw the xOM a couple times a month...then less frequently. Please refer to 'My Story...(part 1)' for more particulars. And due to my children, we did only have sex in the room in the basement. Unless at his house or in a hotel.
> 
> I know I am not the only WS to say I am remorseful....you can believe what you want....but until you are here in my shoes, in my home, and have had your feet held over the fire day after day.....you have no right to judge. I am not trying to be a jerk, but I am sincere in my desire to reconcile and know the truth is the only path to take.


Thank you for your response. Sadly, it was *EXACTLY* what I was expecting.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> 1. Have you paid back to your husband the money you uses to pay for the hotel rooms
> 
> *2 of the rooms were obtained through hotel points and not out of pocket expense. These occasions are of great pain to Dig as they were intended to be an opportunity for me to get a "break". I abused his generosity and can only apologize for taking advantage of his generosity. The other 2 rooms I paid for. I cannot pay my husband back as our incomes are shared. If you have a suggestion as to how to remedy this, please let me know.*
> 
> ...


LMAO....I didn't know there was such a site.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> This explains some more of your actions.
> 
> What do you mean by ****ty behavior?
> 
> ...


Let's see....I am 42...I graduated from college 20 years ago. Taking out the 5 year affair, I was either celibate or monogamous for 15 years of my adult life. Sorry, but I cannot follow your math.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Regret have you talked to an IC, you could possibly be a sex addict.( I don't mean this in an accusatory tone, just that it could be an addiction, the validation of other men I mean)


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Thank you for your response. Sadly, it was *EXACTLY* what I was expecting.



Why is it sad? Do you really find it difficult to believe that I am truly remorseful for my actions? I feel that you are making some generalizations and stereotyping me as a "typical" betrayer. I am sure that there are a lot very typical behaviors, but are we all set by the same mold? Is there no difference in personalities and attributes possible? 

It is not my intent to sound defensive, but I am sincerely curious as to how you view those of us who have betrayed our spouses.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I think I got the word wrong here. Not monogamous. Maybe promiscuous ? (Not judging at all, but I am coming from the post that said you had many sexual partners all through 20's and 30's. So a single partner was an aberration rather than the norm.) 



> I spent my *20s and most of my 30s* overcoming my ****ty behavior and growing up and finding myself


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Actually you can pay back your husband for the money & time you spent on the affair by giving him that money and time to spend on himself.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> Regret have you talked to an IC, you could possibly be a sex addict.( I don't mean this in an accusatory tone, just that it could be an addiction, the validation of other men I mean)


I hear ya.....I have talked to an IC and will continue to do so.... This is not something that has been addressed, however. Yes, my promiscuity has been discussed as well as other sexual experiences that are immaterial to this forum discussion. There are a number of reasons for the validation other than addiction. I do, however, appreciate your assessment.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Actually you can pay back your husband for the money & time you spent on the affair by giving him that money and time to spend on himself.


That has been done....10 fold....maybe not with the label, but good suggestion.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> I think I got the word wrong here. Not monogamous. Maybe promiscuous ? (Not judging at all, but I am coming from the post that said you had many sexual partners all through 20's and 30's. So a single partner was an aberration rather than the norm.)


Could you site that post? I was not promiscuous through my 20s and 30s....only college. I had a couple relationships in my 20s and 30s prior to my H. I just want to make sure that I did not misrepresent myself previously.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Regret214 said:


> Good question, and the truth is all out there....though ashamed, I have nothing to hide from Dig.
> 
> The entire A was about my need to escape the reality of my life and my perceived reality of my marriage. The first couple years were more enjoyable as I felt some friendly connection to the xOM. The last few years were more of a routine and the continued desire for escape, but certainly felt like nothing more than a piece of ass in the eyes of the xOM. I have to back up in time about 22 years here for a bit. When I was in college I used sex as a means of getting attention...it wasn't about any emotional connection with the guys....it was just about the attention. *I spent my 20s and most of my 30s overcoming my ****ty behavior and growing up and finding myself. * In a way, I feel that I regressed back to my college days and lost sight of who I was. I am working again at finding the real me inside, and am grateful that I have Dig to stand by me through this process. He is very intuitive, very honest and asks tough questions to challenge me.



This one.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Warlock, perhaps "overcoming" was the wrong word to use. I dealt with the promiscuity and grew up....I ceased the behavior half way through college.


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