# Contemplating to cheat - what would you do in my shoez



## Katy123 (Feb 12, 2016)

Yea like the topic says, I am really thinking of cheating. I am at my wits end and don't know what else to do anymore.

Background:
We are both 31, marries for 5 years and dating for 8 years before that. We have 2 kids and expecting a 3rd one, i'm 3months pregnant. Our kids are 8years and 4years. At the beginning everything was perfect, we had the usual ups and downs but we got through it all. We were college sweethearts, we both work in the same industry, he's hecticly into gaming, i mean addicted, he has an xbox360, xbox1, ps3, ps4, ps vita...i mean all the gadgets he always wants the latest. Ok i knew he was a hectic game before we got married but at the time we were dating we only saw each other weekend, so he would dedicate the weekend to me and do his gaming mid-week. During my first pregnancy he was amazing, showered me with all the attention, i mean he was doing everything right! There has never been any signs of infidelity ever since i've known him...until my second pregnancy. I still remember that night, it was a Friday and he was at a work function and had said he'll be back home by 8pm. I was 37 weeks pregnant with my second, so i was home alone with a toddler and ready to pop. 9pm i get no message from him and his fone is off, i start panicking, so i put my daugter to bed and i start pacing around the house trying to figure out what to do, its not like him to just disappear and have his fone on, and i could pop any moment now. Something in me tells me to go outside, so i go outside, and in our complex they were still building some houses, at one of the empty stands maybe 5 houses away from our i catch a gimpse of his car. At this point i'm confusing, first thing i thought was what if he's hijacked or something bad happened to him. So i close the door behind me and start walking slowly towards his ar and i notice another car parked next to him, as i arrive at this car and i open the drivers door...Lo and Behold, there he is, getting a blow job from some womna i've never seen before before. I must say that was the worst night of my life.

So before that night in the morning we had an argument as he was suddenylu not interested in having sex with me, using all the excuses about being tired and all, yet he would play with his games until wee hours of the morning and i would go to bed crying each night.

Fast forward, we go to see a councilor and tried working on our issues, he apologized and said he's never been drunk before, this is true, in the entire 13years with him i have never seen him drinking, but i guess now you wonder if it wasn't happening behind your back. While we try to work through our marriage we start to fight more, like i said, he has never shown me any signs of infidelity, but now i don't know anymore. Every small thing about him pissed me off, everytime he refused me sex, i would take it personal that he doesn't wana have sex with me but wants to do it with someone else. It was a really bad rollercoaster of years, he's not the perfect non-cheating man i thought he was, i now know he's fully capable of doing it, even that night had i not caught him, im pretty sure they would've fcuked while i sit at home waiting for him.

Fast forward to the last year or so, his sex drive has gone down, i am always the one making the first move, he's forever gaming and that leads to me irritated t him that he's spending more time playing than with me, i beg, i plead, i cry...and at the end i still only get sex when i make the move, he always makes excuses of why he doesn't make the moves. I understand that with us both working full time jobs, and having 2 kids, we both tired at the end of the time, but for some reason my sex drive is always the same, i still want it every 2nd day atleast, him on the other hand, he goes for a week or more without it, and him knowing that i always want it yet ignoring that. So basically i feel rejected, neglected, unwanted etc.

3 weeks ago we find out that i am pregnant with out 3rd child, immediately after finding out, the sex stops, his reason is he's scared of hurting the baby, i tell him thats bull**** coz this is our 3rd pregnancy, he is not a clue-less first time dad and he knows very well he wont be hurting the baby at all. But he's sticking to his story. A few days after i find out i just breakdown and cry, i tell him ok you say you have "fears"of hurting the baby, why dont we speak to a doctor or somebody who can tell u what u already know. His response is he already knows he wont hurt the baby, but mentally he just cannot do it, he's scared. So i ask him that at my last pregnancy he neglected me sexually, and at 37 weeks he tried fcuking someone else, is this going to be a pattern, is he plotting to hurt me again when i need him the most, and he assures me that is not the case, and he starts promising me that he'll overcome his fear and be intimate. I think we got intimate that night, and after that it goes dead again for another week, i ask again what's wrong and i get the same reason about the so-called-fear, the discussion ends with me emotional, in tears, feeling fat and ugly and him just not attracted to me, yet he assures me that is not the case. We have sex again that night and guess what, it goes dead again for another week...mind you the times we have sex i am the on who makes the move. Last night (a week after the last intimate session) im super honry, heck everyday i am horny and he knows it, anyway so last night i tell him lets go to bed, he tells me no he wants to cut his hair first, i keep asking him he can cut it this weekend and he keeps insisting...so i give up and end up going to bed, honry as hell, all alone. This morning before we go to work, i wake up early and head to the bathroom, when i come back to the room he gets up from bed, i ask him he stays in bed a little longer, and he insists and wakes up. After he showers and is getting dressed i ask him to sit down, i start asking him what is the problem, the last time we were intimate was a week ago, he starts acting surprised and saying he's still scared etc etc. I tell him that excuse is getting old, so he starts saying he can't have sex if he's feeling under pressure, so i say oh okay, so the new excuse is the pressure and no longer the pregnancy, we go back and forth for a while, and he says we'll have it öften" and promises, so i ask what exactly does öften"mean coz if he means once a week then he must say so so i don't have to keep nagging for it. I tell him he obviously doesn't give a **** about how i feel because i sit in bed each night, waiting for him to come to bed, and he makes sure he comes in as late as possible when I am sleeping. I start telling him he must be really feeling good about himself having me chasing him for sex all the time, he says he actually feel pressured by me, and we start going back and forth. It then starts getting late as we have to prepare the kids so he promises we'll talk about it later today.

I'm tired of nagging my husband for sex, i told him i am not happy, what he wants to do with that info its up to him, i also told him my tummy is not showing yet so i am assuming that as it starts showing he will give me another excuse of not wanting to have sex with me. I don't want foreplay, i want him. I don't think he will cheat on me, actually he's capable of it, but from what he has told me and promised, he said he would never hurt me like that again...but again, i don't know. I love him, he loves him, i am sexually started, he blames it on whatever excuse in his head at that moment. Lately I am forever the one making the first moves, i just don't know anymore what to do.

I don't know what responses i am expecting, all i know is i am not happy, i am slowly falling into depression, i feel like he doesn't care. Would i be so wrong if i cheat?

(sorry for the grammar mistakes, i type while im rushing to a meeting)


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Its highly destructive. He was already destructive. You will add destruction to destruction compounding the original problem. 

I can hear your overwhelm and pain. Have you sought professional counseling? What kind of support system do you have?


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
The answer to a problem is never to introduce an additional problem. You will only further complicate the situation. You must address the root cause if you sincerely want to remedy the issue. Cheating will only serve to compromise your integrity and character.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Katy

Good advice above.

I have to ask you a serious question though.

Why on earth would you have a third child with this immature, selfish man?

I think you and your husband need some serious counseling. I also think you need to communicate how serious you are about leaving the marriage because your thoughts on cheating are just signs that you are thinking of replacing him.

My wife would have thrown every game console in the local good will bin if I ever ignored her that much.

Now take positive actions going forward.

HM


----------



## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Both of you need to go to counseling and HE has to take it seriously and attend them.

Happyman64 and others are right. DO NOT DO IT.

I'm still recovering from my wife's affair. I too have some addiction issues (being here is whats left, and its part of my healing too IMHO). I used to play PC gaming every single night. My wife and I would be in different rooms, etc, etc. I knew I had some of my own issues to work out. When the poop hit the fan, I decided to make life changes - even before my wife left me. I had deleted my online games from my computer and removed OTHER video/gaming habits from my home. GONE. I told my gamer buddies that I was retiring that very day, I played for about 30mins with them while I said my Goodbyes. I signed off, shut off the game and deleted the game. etc. I read a lot more, and working on myself.

Now, as my wife has done far worse by moving OUT of our home. I too attempted "revenge sex" with another woman. Why the hell not? My wife is "getting some". I had a melt down, I was emotionally wrecked. The woman and her roomates are mutual friends, er acquaintances actually of my wife an I (but they've known me many years before my wife). I told them "she left me", blah blah and to NOT TELL HER I was there and to get drunk and get laid.

I got drunk. Luckily they we friends and helped me in my time of need. But no sex for me. When the wife and I started talking about reconciliation, going to counseling, etc. I felt better than I DID not do what I attended to do. I eventually told my wife about that night, and told the woman and room-mates that she knows. As relationships are about trust.

If your husband doesn't want to change... then leave him. Tell him to get out, etc. Start a divorce.. maybe it'll work.
Otherwise, move on. Get laid knowing that your husband is going to be an EX. Fighting constantly isn't healthy for you or your kids. then he can live in a small apartment and play games without you nagging him.


Confused. Are you 3 weeks pregnant or 3 months?


----------



## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

Sounds messy, I would go back to counseling for myself to find out why I'm staying in a clustered lie of a marriage.

I don't for 5seconds believe the blow job from your second pregnancy was a reaction from being drunk. He was too comfortable receiving sexual pleasure in visual distance from your home. I'm sure you don't want to re-think about that issue from 5yrs ago but I don't believe he shared the whole truth in counseling then. 

Now he's neglecting your needs but excusing his behavior. I would understand feelings pressured and turned off but he lied again, saying he was scared or making it about the baby. He's not truthful.

No I wouldn't cheat. I would re-think what I'm getting from and out of my marriage, if anything is keeping me there besides the children. I would ask myself how can I trust a partner who flip flops information. Why must I beg for my sexual needs to be met? If anything he should be willing to help you Orgasm, even if it's not intercourse. I would buy a toy and relieve my own sexual tension. The sex is a small fraction of the bigger problem. He's a liar and you can't communicate with someone who says things for or in their favor.


----------



## Katy123 (Feb 12, 2016)

Tar Dor...i am 3months pregnant, we found out about my pregnancy 3 weeks ago.

He says he's not satisfying my sexual needs because i am "pressuring"him. He will never move out, he's very stubborn and would twist it and somehow make it about why don't i be the one who moves out. I married him and had more kids with him because i trully love this man, i mean he's the only man i've ever been with for the last 13 years. I do suspect that maybe in the past he had cheated on me before, but i have no reason to think that as i was getting all the love and attention from him. The reason i am thinking of cheating is i feel he doesn't care about how i feel, so why should i care about hurting him. And the more i think about doing it, the more i want him to catch me in the act, else whats the point of trying to hurt someone yet they dont find out. I sound very evil right now and i dont want to say its the hormones, but i'm just hurt and confused. Whenever i raise the point about him gaming, he'll tell me i married him knowing he's addicted and during the dating years i understood, so why am i raising it as an issue now. I am fully financial independent, so i can take care of myself and the kids on my own, but i also don't want to breakup our family. Yes i am thinking of cheating, not because i want to replace him, i mean the way i feel right now, its like you can never trully know someone for sure and there's no such thing as a happily ever after, so no i do not want to replace him, and i will probably never ever get married again if i leave this marriage. Me wanting to cheat is to get sexual satisfaction, and hurting him the way he's hurting me.
But i have 2 kids and another one on the way, so its not about me anymore. I just don't know what to do anymore.


----------



## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

I get it. You're pi$$ed off. Hey, you want to get even right. He got some, why shouldn't I?

Well the reason is "it won't make you feel any better". You'll be sacrificing your integrity. 

It would just be another hurtle to work on should you both decide to go to MC. Don't be like him. That's not you. Once you cross that line, you can't go back. 

I'm sorry you're in this space. The majority of BS have to hunt for information on their cheating S. I can't imagine you finding him in his car getting a bj "in your neighborhood" no less must have been devastating. 

One of the reasons my sons marriage fail (among others) was he was addicted to online roll player games. At one point he would play all night, then all day. Eventually he lost his job. Then he would binge on them for days ! He's finally got it under control but it took years and years. For some folks gaming is like crack.


----------



## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

You went to MC after discovering him in the car with the OW. 

Did you require him to expose this indiscretion to his family, your family or your friends?

What was required of him for you to R and stay together?

Is there total transparency with email, phone, passwords?

He said he was drunk and he was sorry but "was he required to own his cheating"?

It sounds like he got off with a slap on the wrist and a promise not to do it again.

If he didn't do the heavy lifting then you need to go back and address this.


----------



## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Don't cheat and stop nagging him for sex. You have a higher libido than his so you need to accept that. It's not about you anymore. Concentrate on raising your children. He is immature and selfish but you have another child on the way so you should stay so he can be a Dad to them. I wouldn't be surprised if he cheated before or will cheat again but you had another child with him knowing he was a cheater. You just need to make the best of it.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You are in a great position to divorce.

Many people do not wake up until they are slapped.

See an attorney and have divorce papers drawn up.

Arrange to be gone with your children and leave the papers on his gaming console.

You will get his attention at this point.

He either gets into MC with you and starts working his ass off to improve the marriage or you leave him.

You need to get the full truth about his infidelity as well.

Get a MC that is experienced with infidelity and lays no blame for it on the BS.

Don't become a skank. Your children and you deserve better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

The online gaming is an addiction problem. It has effected my ability to work and was a partial factor in hurting the relationship with my wife. My family *IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN A MAKE-BELIEVE VIDEO GAME!!*

I still play some video games... non-ON-LINE games I can pause or save. Or with the wife or friends. We only have the one kid and I do like making love or hard core sex with my wife 
His excuses for sex are childish, yes US guys think our penis can hurt the baby, especially in the later weeks (it can with high-risk pregnancies) - even if WE know it won't, its a mental thing. BUT not 3 months, hell - some people have sex the day of the birth.

I like it when my wife hits on me... and I'm playful to initiate.

So there are 4 choices or so.
1 - Fix relationship, gaming has to be reduced. Issues worked on by both sides.
2 - Break up. he moves out.
3 - Break up, he becomes a live-in DAD... you go out and get laid. And no pressure on him!! Nothing for him to whine about.
4 - Patch up relationship to be livable... but open it up, he plays games and you get a boyfriend on the side. Or maybe have that boyfriend move in and the husband lives in the computer room or couch.

He's refusing you sex... not cool. 

When I had ED issues, I felt bad for the wife and she thought I wasn't interested... ugh.


----------



## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Don't cheat and stop nagging him for sex. You have a higher libido than his so you need to accept that. It's not about you anymore. Concentrate on raising your children. He is immature and selfish but you have another child on the way so you should stay so he can be a Dad to them. I wouldn't be surprised if he cheated before or will cheat again but you had another child with him knowing he was a cheater. You just need to make the best of it.



Eeek? Are you saying she needs to stay with a cheater for her kids and she needs to stop with having her sexual needs met? I'm all for working on things in a marriage but just accepting this after possibly figuring out she does deserve better altogether...cmon.. If he can get blown in the parking lot he had enough sexual drive to find his sexual needs met elsewhere. 

Clearly they have issues and doesn't mean just deal with it until kids are grown.. A partner can change what theyve accepted from the past and or decide to move on if they continue to get burned in multiple areas of their relationship. He should be so lucky she wants sex from him after all the lying and him being given a second chance. I doubt he fully committed and shared through their counseling. He's selfish and thinking of himself. She shouldn't be told to suck it up.,,


----------



## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

First off, I'm sorry that you are here, and I apologize if I am blunt, but I come from a home where my dad cheated, and so I get a little heated on the topic.

I didn't even read your whole story, because truly, no matter what your situation is, cheating is not the answer.

First of all, grow up. You knew what you were getting into and you still married him.

Secondly, put a wrap on his d*ck because clearly you two should not be having any more children.

You have children, and you need to be a role model for them. Cheating is dishonorable and disgusting. Is that what you want your children to be like?

Get into counseling, TOGETHER & individually. You both clearly need it.


----------



## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

New_Beginnings said:


> Eeek? Are you saying she needs to stay with a cheater for her kids and she needs to stop with having her sexual needs met? ~~


Yeah, Same as saying a woman should stay married to a man who beats her, keeps her in her place, etc.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Holy crap, there is so much wrong in your relationship I don't even know where to start.

First of all, you just kinda blew past that little matter of him getting a freaking blow job there. I mean, you SAW it HAPPENING. It was right in front of your eyes!! What did you do about it? Did you kick his a$$ to the curb? If not why not?? Good lord woman, you make it sound like it's so big deal. You say you think he has cheated on you - well DUH, what do you call getting a blow job from someone else?!

I think the whole reason you want to cheat now is because you never held him accountable for that, and you've never done anything to see if it's an ongoing pattern with him. My guess is that it is. My guess is that he's been getting clandestine blow jobs at the very least for years.

As for the kids, does it really sound healthy for them to be growing up in this kind of environment? DO NOT 'stay together for the kids'. Although it doesn't sound like you are - it sounds to me like you just don't want to face the truth about your relationship.

I think you need to blow things up if you have any hope of salvaging anything. Do the thing suggested above with the divorce papers and go from there. If he seems relieved, you have your answer - it's over. If he seems to genuinely want to work on things, then set some ground rules. MC is a start, but be careful - you need a MC who deals with infidelity and not one who will sweep your suspicions under the rug. And you need to deal with his prior cheating. You need to make him be accountable. He must surrender everything in his life and prove to you that it isn't ongoing. You and he both need to be STD tested (did you at least do THAT after the blow job?) He needs to CONVINCE you that he's worth you staying with him. You need - NEED - to have the attitude that you do NOT need him and that you will be perfectly fine without him in your life. Make him sweat.

If you guys can do that and you know he isn't cheating any more, THEN you can address his gaming addiction and your sex life. But unless you've dealt with all this past crap, there's no sense in it.

And if YOU are not willing to do all this work, then END IT. All you'll accomplish by cheating yourself is to add more toxic waste to the pile that is your relationship.


----------



## Katy123 (Feb 12, 2016)

I appreciate all your responses. Just to answer some of the questions asked:
No i did not have an STD test in the past, i was stupid but i believed him when he said he's never done something like that before. We could not fully address the issue at the time because i had a new born and i was depressed. I really believe he got away with it easy because during my second pregnancy we had even planned on calling our son by his name, therefore our son is Junior, after he did what he did i said i wont name our son that as i want him to be nothing like his dad...yet we still ended up calling him that. 
We attended some counsellor sessions but i never really got any satisfaction as such, so we stopped coz it felt like we just wasting time and money. Yes i did tell our immediate family, his father just span it around and told me what is soo hard in forgiving, he quoted the bible about forgiving and forgetting and also told me that he's very old and sick and this stress we're causing him where we keep fighting its just gona make him die, basically he said he can die at any time and it would be my fault as i am not forgiving his son...oh well 4 years later and the bastard is still alive. Its because of all those reasons and some others that my husband didn't have to put in much efford in getting our relationship fine, i too allowed it. A week ago during our argument, i mentioned that i feel he's doing that pattern again and soon he's going to betray me again, instead he snapped and said why would i dig the past, cant i let the past be the past, and what more do i want him to do to prove that he'll never do that again. He said we addressd this at the counsellor. He basically said i must move on from that night already coz he's tired of keep going back to that fight. I have full access to his fone and emails, i still have questions about that night coz at first he told me it was a colleague, he then gave me her number and said i can ask her whatever i wana ask, i dont know why he did that but as i was speaking to her she sounded like she had no idea what i was talking about and basically called me a crazy insecure wife, mind u i know her car as i've seen it at their work parking lot, and its the same car model that "woman" was driving but she still sounded like or acted like she doesn't know what im on about...anyway later on he apologized and said it wasn't her, instead it was some stranger he picked up at the bar, so thats the story i've been living with. I may sound like im not thinking straight but how do i just move on from 13years with this man, thats why its soo hard for me to even think about leaving him. Like i said, we started dating when we were 18, we're now 31...how do i move on from that.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Katy123 said:


> I appreciate all your responses. Just to answer some of the questions asked:
> No i did not have an STD test in the past, i was stupid but i believed him when he said he's never done something like that before. We could not fully address the issue at the time because i had a new born and i was depressed. I really believe he got away with it easy because during my second pregnancy we had even planned on calling our son by his name, therefore our son is Junior, after he did what he did i said i wont name our son that as i want him to be nothing like his dad...yet we still ended up calling him that. *Boundaries issues*
> 
> 
> ...


Thus I recommend these resources since you need education to battle the mess you are in....

Books:
Boundaries by Townsend
Emotional Blackmail
Betrayal Bonds
Codependency No More

Websites:
www.affairrecovery.com
Out of the FOG
How to heal Abandonment Heartbreak & Self Sabotage - Susan Anderson
www.adultchildren.com

You've got homework to do and a lot of it.

I would go to individual counseling on your own for a good long while.... forget about what your husband is doing... focus on creating calm peaceful home for yourself and your kids.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Like I said, adopt the attitude that you are STRONG, you are INDEPENDENT, you can MAKE IT WITHOUT HIM, you can in fact be HAPPY without him. I know you don't feel that way right now, but you have GOT to strive toward that. Right now HE is calling all the shots - he is telling YOU what needs to happen, and that is totally backwards. YOU need to tell HIM.

I was with my first husband from the time I was 16 till we finally split when I was 30. I had 3 kids ages 4, 2 and 4 months. I moved out on my own with them. This was the third time I'd split up with him and moved out - it HAD to finally happen.

When we'd been married 8 years my second husband was caught cheating. With absolutely no hesitation I kicked him out that very day. That was almost 6 years ago - today we have a strong happy marriage. The reason we do is because HE did what needed doing, and I made it crystal clear that if he didn't, there was no more 'us'.

He isn't going to believe you at first - it's going to take something devastating before he will. Start with a free lawyer appt - I think they still do that. Just a consultation to get your head straight. Don't think of the whole thing, think of the first baby step. Break it up into tiny things - maybe something like just looking in the mirror and smiling at yourself. You CAN do it, you just need to make up your mind about it.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> Like I said, adopt the attitude that you are STRONG, you are INDEPENDENT, you can MAKE IT WITHOUT HIM, you can in fact be HAPPY without him. I know you don't feel that way right now, but you have GOT to strive toward that. Right now HE is calling all the shots - he is telling YOU what needs to happen, and that is totally backwards. YOU need to tell HIM.
> 
> I was with my first husband from the time I was 16 till we finally split when I was 30. I had 3 kids ages 4, 2 and 4 months. I moved out on my own with them. This was the third time I'd split up with him and moved out - it HAD to finally happen.
> 
> ...


Yep and adopt this attitude.... I did the same thing.


----------



## eastsouth2000 (Jul 21, 2015)

go to counseling. (to also deal with happened with his cheating before. it think that was just rug swept.)

did you voice your concern about sex?

communicate to you husband.

don't compound the problem by having an affair!


----------



## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Don't cheat and stop nagging him for sex. You have a higher libido than his so you need to accept that. It's not about you anymore. Concentrate on raising your children. He is immature and selfish but you have another child on the way so you should stay so he can be a Dad to them. I wouldn't be surprised if he cheated before or will cheat again but you had another child with him knowing he was a cheater. You just need to make the best of it.


Please disregard this post. 



ConanHub said:


> You are in a great position to divorce.
> 
> Many people do not wake up until they are slapped.
> 
> ...


DO this. Your self life will not improve unless your husband commits fully to individual counseling. I went through something similar (I did not have children). I was with ex husband for 14 years, a very long time, after a while you will begin to believe the sexual dysfunction is your fault. You will begin to feel ugly and unworthy of love or affection or sex. Trust me on this. You will also believe he is the best you could ever hope to get. Do not do this to yourself. 

As I mentioned before, my ex and I had the same issues, gamer, went to bed late to avoid sex, then he was too tired, then too busy, etc etc. In the end I left and found out he was a pedophile.... 
He kept that secret hidden from me for the entire duration of our marriage... I am not suggesting your husband is one, but there is something that he will not tell you.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Do whatever you have to do in order to extricate yourself from this marriage.

There are healthy ways to gain enough strength to leave a terrible marriage and a lying husband and there are unhealthy ways. Your choice.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

The "pressuring" statement is a ruse. He may or may not know why, but either way it is a smoke screen.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

If you cheat, it might make you feel as bad as my cheating made me feel. 

And trust me, you don't *ever* want to feel that bad. Seriously.

And my cheating was an idiotic revenge affair.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Guys can be very thick and will often freeze if they don't know how to fix an issue. Nothing you post about your marriage is unusual. 
First be firm and clear on what you want, change and Mc to clarity the problems and solutions that work. 

Spend time reading up on the divorce laws in your state. Have a clear plan on asset division, child support, and custody. Have a proposal printed out and hand it to him before starting the discussion. Allow him to vent and talk himself out. Afar his vent and rant, respond in a calm voice it is either and leave. 

Do not let a third party in I.e. Another man. Is there someone else lurking ?


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Why would dad be stressed unto death? Maybe it was causing his dad to think about possible cheating he may have done to his wife that she does not know about....so he wanted you to shut it down because he was belong grief about his actions.

Forgive AND FORGET are not listed in my NKJ Bible. It says you must forgive, it says nothing about forgetting. 

It States if you repent of your sins, God will cast it as far as the east is from the west and think of it no more.....

It is God who will erase that indiscretion ....not man or woman.

If the transgressions were forgotten, there would be no consequence, unwell it was STD or unwanted pregnancy.


----------



## plomito (Apr 7, 2015)

Hey OP, all I can say is don't cheat. Yes he is neglecting you but trust me adding another player to the equation is only going to make things for worse in the long run. I would say focus on you and you both need to have a grown up talk and hey if things going to work then so be it, but if you feel deep inside that this is going nowhere then I know you know what to do. And j have to agree with others, stop nagging for sex, hey he is the one missing out 

Sent from my SM-N920T using Tapatalk


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Don't cheat.
Stop nagging him for sex. Sex then no longer becomes fun for him and you become a job that he is trying to get away from.
Masterbate if your horny.
Some men aren't sexually attracted to pregnancy. If this is true he can't help it. Do you guys have a good sex life when you aren't pregnant? I think having sex at least once a week is ok for now because you guys are obviously having problems. Don't push him too much. But you need to find out what the real issue is. Why is he so disconnected.
He needs to go to counseling and I think his gaming addiction needs to be addressed.
I hope you guys find quality time together. You don't want to make him feel like he's just there for you to have sex with.


----------



## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

buy some sex toys to satisfy yourself. Make sure he "accidently" catches you using them. If that does not work, then at least you have a way to satisfy the physical need.


----------



## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

My H had a severe gaming addiction. I moved half way around the world to help him, to build his career & help with his depression. He still hated his job so I supported him in returning to 'school'. So I was in a foreign country, completely isolated, left my career, H working 10+ hours a day & going to school AND studying...well, he deserved his gaming time, just to decompress. I became the queen of masterbation!! (I'm conservative & English. It's mortifying to confess that!) he stayed-up half the night playing games. 

By the time he received the results of his schooling he was having an affair with a woman from work because HE was neglected!!!

I don't know what the answer is. I met my H when I was 21. I'm alone in the USA. I don't emotionally trust him to be there for me when I need him but he's my life, my love, all I've ever known. My self-esteem has been trampled so low that I fear I'm loosing my mind. I cry everyday.

Ugh! Whatever. If you find the answer please tell me. Those who advise you to take care of yourself while he's shooting imaginary little characters & talking war on his headphones have no comprehension of the total annihilation of self that the neglect causes. You're wear your fingers out before he will wake-up on his own or he'll start another affair & blame you! 

He's a teenager in mummy's basement who occasionally goes out & gets a blow job. He's a man child but he's the love of your life full of potential. It sucks!!!

Are you a stay at home Mum?


----------



## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Someone told you that you do not solve one problem by creating another one.
In my opinion you are married to an immature idiot who at 31 years old with a family is still spouting this childish **** aboiut his gaming addiction. If he can't fix that GET A DIVORCE. 

Now you say you can't or do not want to do that.?

Well, what do you think is going to happen when he catches you cheating, which is your plan.??? You really think he is just going to say "Ok honey, have fun but don't bother me???

Now if your answer to that is YES, then just tell him you would like an open marriage and he can game to his hearts content and you will get laid whenever you want to.

my guess is since you think he will be hurt that you do not believe he will have the nice reaction I just described. More possible is he will throw you out on your ass or file for divorce and then you will be divorced on terms not as amicable for sure. So what do you accomplish.

My suggestion to you is to see an attorney, find out you rights, and then make another attempt to either talk to him or get into therapy. While that goes on, go to CVS or Walgreens and but some batteries for your "Mr. Buzzy", and don't go out and bang someone.

You know cheating is not smart, which is why you posted here instead of joining ****** *******. Make sure before you take your pants off for another man right now that YOU are prepared for the fall out that most certainly will come your way. It probably will not be just him pouting and being hurt a little.

Good luck. Sounds like you may need it


----------



## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

I quit my online-gaming addiction. 

But yeah, might as well offer to open your marriage up so you can get laid and see what he says.

Maybe he'll be happy with that, gaming without the pressure.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Start an exit plan
1.see a lawyer you can have a free consultation.
2. Save some money
3. Quit having sex with him.he's not worth it.who wants sex with someone who could careless.
4.get tested for std
5. Start eating right and get some exercise 
6.tell yourself you are superior in every way and the future will be fine!
Good luck


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Cheat or don't cheat, just please start spelling "shoes" right... FFS...



Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## Dycedarg (Apr 17, 2014)

These kinds of situations are almost always fruitless because the story we get is excessively one sided.


----------



## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

I really don't understand adults being addicted to video games. I played Nintendo a lot when I was a kid, right up to the point that there were better things to do like driving, getting laid, and partying.


----------



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Maybe he doesn't want to have sex anymore because you keep getting pregnant?


----------



## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Let me recommend something to you. There are three good forums for you to do this at: Loveshack, survivinginfidelity, and here at this forum. Go through the archives for a few days and do nothing but read stories posted by people who have been cheated on. There is nothing that can destroy a relationship faster than cheating. Nothing. The pain it causes is ranked right up there with having a spouse die. In some instances, it's worse since dying doesn't include betrayal. 

You need to communicate with your husband and tell him you are thinking of cheating. If that doesn't wake him up to the problem, then consider divorce. But don't lower yourself to cheating. Be bigger than that. 

Seriously, start reading.


----------



## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

You are in an abusive relationship with a cheater who wont fu....ck you. Doesnt matter what his excuses are the fact remains he wont fu ck you.

I am a firm believer that when sex dwindles in a marriage the posibillity of an affair taking place by the refuser is high. 

Unfortunately it would appear he is a selfish imatture narcissist.

Your only real choice is to get tough lay out a few ultimatiums but follow them through if he does not meet them.

That will probably involve the very real posibillity of you ending the marriage.

In order to save a marriage you must be fully prepared to end it as well.

Hope things improve for you and good luck with the pregnancy.


----------



## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

Pregnancy hormones from women are like gasoline and fire. They will ***c anything that walks with a third member.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Time to put D., on the table. Why would you want to be anywhere near, a man who now prefers other women, basically any woman to you his wife, and the mother of his children-----your H., is a total IDIOT

Time for the games to be thrown out the door, with your H., right behind the games-----It won't be easy with kids, in re: moving on----but it will be way better than spending your life in misery, with a roommate.


----------



## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

buy new shoez


----------



## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

If you consider the philosophy of an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, you would certainly be entitled to cheat. However, I would have to warn you that it would in all likely cause you more distress than satisfaction. You are a young woman and could if you so desire find many a man that would be willing to have sex with you, but I doubt that is really what you want. You deserve to have a very fulfilling sex life and should settle for nothing less. There is a line of men from here to the moon that would love to meet a woman with your sex drive.

Only you can say when enough is enough, but here are some things to consider.

1.	Consult with an attorney, you don’t have to file, but you need to know you legal rights.
2.	Develop a plan on reconciliation that he must do. Top on this list should be to get rid of the games. If you had a gambling addiction, you wouldn’t be able to do it in moderation. I seem to want to ask how is he with intimacy apart from just sex? He seems very self-absorbed from what you describe. He needs to see a doctor for low T and other physical reason for not wanting sex. Next a counselor to address psychological reasons for performance anxiety. 
3.	You also need to consider a plan for child visitation, finances, distribution of assets, living situation. If you have a plan you will be one step ahead of him and better able to control the situation. 
4.	I recommend opening a new bank account just in your name. Don’t do anything but throw a couple bucks in it, but it would be available if you need to move funds quickly. 
5.	You need to change the dynamics of the house and set up you time. You need to get time away from the little ones to allow you to decompress. Exercise is also good to help with the stress and make a healthier you. This must be done in coordination with your physician to ensure it is appropriate to you situation.


----------



## metallicaluvr (Feb 25, 2016)

HA! If you have an RA, he's going to use that against you FOREVER. "I want to talk about what an ******* you are..." BUT YOU CHEATED ON ME *crocodile tears ensue*. just sum up the courage to leave this guy.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

@Katy123

So you want to cheat WHILE you are 4 months pregnant?

No words. A new low for stories on TAM.

How about you STOP being a coward and leave this POS you married?

Isn't that better than turning into a POS yourself?


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Don't cheat. It won't be worth it, if you value yourself, loyalty, integrity, etc, at all. Your fidelity isn't about your husband (who wouldn't deserve it if it was), it's about you, and how you view yourself, and how you act. So don't **** on yourself to spite him.

As someone else mentioned you need to radically change the dynamic of your relationship. It sucks terribly, the strain is greater on you than on him, but it will tear apart sooner or later. Follow the advice posters like Hope gave. Make divorce a real and imminent thing. Kick him the [email protected] out, and tell his ****ty father to stfu if he butts in again to defend indefensible behaviour. Relieve your stress by taking action. Put him under stress by taking action. If you want change, you need to make staying the same more painful for him than changing. And if he refuses to change, well, you'll set yourself free to get on with a better life.


----------



## CHGUY (Jan 25, 2016)

Do not cheat, if you do you will destroy your kids- and one thing that seems to be forgotten is the AP could have a wife/husband at home. In general many wives and husband had to break the news to other innocent spouses. That is also a very humiliating experience in so many ways to do. You caught your man, that must of hurt really bad, do not let the possibility ever happen that you are responsible for another spouses hurt. A AP does not always let the other AP know their marital status. It is cheating after all? Revenge will destroy you... If need be, get counseling and or a lawyer. If a person can cheat, he/she has no heart. Trust me, his behavior shows signs of no love for you anymore. If you want revenge, leave his cheating and lying life... Sorry, but I see the Narcissistic behavior of him you are describing. They tend to come out later in relationships.


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Katy123 said:


> There has never been any signs of infidelity ever since i've known him...until my second pregnancy. I still remember that night, it was a Friday and he was at a work function and had said he'll be back home by 8pm. I was 37 weeks pregnant with my second, so i was home alone with a toddler and ready to pop. 9pm i get no message from him and his fone is off, i start panicking, so i put my daugter to bed and i start pacing around the house trying to figure out what to do, its not like him to just disappear and have his fone on, and i could pop any moment now. Something in me tells me to go outside, so i go outside, and in our complex they were still building some houses, at one of the empty stands maybe 5 houses away from our i catch a gimpse of his car. At this point i'm confusing, first thing i thought was what if he's hijacked or something bad happened to him. So i close the door behind me and start walking slowly towards his ar and i notice another car parked next to him, as i arrive at this car and i open the drivers door...Lo and Behold, there he is, getting a blow job from some womna i've never seen before before. I must say that was the worst night of my life.


My ex cheated on me 7 years in when we had three children under 6. I made the HUGE mistake of staying with him.

Once a cheater, always a cheater, Katy.

Some of the things about your H sound so similar. My ex's brain was saturated and warped by porn (exposure from preschool age) and he withdrew sexually during pregnancies. 



> Fast forward, we go to see a councilor and tried working on our issues, he apologized and said he's never been drunk before, this is true, in the entire 13years with him i have never seen him drinking


For many many years, I thought the drinking was a huge contributor to exH infidelities. After all, the track record was that he had *always* been drinking when he cheated. I'm here to tell you that the drinking is just a convenient scapegoat. The cheating comes from deeply rooted character issues and it's only going to get worse. Trust me. I stayed with mine for 33 years and 8 children. DON"T!!! CUT YOUR LOSSES AND RUN!!!

You are young. IME my "man picker" was broken by an abusive alcoholic daddy which trained me from early on to be blind (denial) @unacceptable behavior. I suggest you go to individual counseling and do some hard work on your "man picker" so that next time you can pick a keeper who has good character and is capable of loyalty, fidelity, and kindness. In hindsight, I wish I had done that instead of wasting a lifetime with someone who was hopelessly deficient and damaged.


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

> Re: Contemplating to cheat - what would you do in my shoez


self pleasure


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Bringing more complications into this mess, which its the only thing cheating would do, would only make you more stressed and won't help you get to the root of your problems. Why damage your integrity to deal with a problem he brought into the marriage? Address the problems with your husband and let him know this is seriuos and his not willing to take action will lead to divorce.


----------



## brokenguy (Sep 7, 2015)

cheating will only make things worse


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

brokenguy said:


> cheating will only make things worse


It could well make you feel worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Sorry, but you need counseling.

Reason why, his actions are affecting your mental health and emotions. He is a toxic element in your life and will continue to be so and you also allow it by staying with someone you know whom is toxic.

True, just because you knew of his video game addiction, it does not mean that you cannot change your mind in the future, especially when he is suppose to be a partner and a role model for the children. Either way, he is simply toxic all around to you and your children as well. His behavior will imprint themselves on your children as observation and mimicking is ways for children to learn. They are made perceptive for those reasons.

It is better to have a calm mind and control over your emotions when you make decisions. You have been reacting to your emotions such as love, hence you stayed with that type of person even though the person your husband is, is detrimental to yourself.

Your husband has not change, but I am sure you notice that he is changing you instead.

Fact is people change given their circumstance. You can seek help to get healthy first then leave or he might seek help and change for the better. I know you want some justice, retribution, but the fact is you do not know how he will react. He may beat you, he may go out drinking and cheat some more, he even may feel your pain and empathize, although, that last one seems unlikely since he seems to be self-centric, but would it not be better for you to end up healthy so at least your children have one healthy parent instead of none. If your children and yourself is more important than your marriage, then you should start focusing on that and stop thinking of him as your partner.


----------

