# How to manage a 22 month old



## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

I love my son and love been a parent. However, I never realized it would be so complicated. I struggle with balancing placating him and not spoiling him. My mom was so authoritarian that I have a hard time setting limits as I feel I'm like her. She was too strict and I'm still resentful of her.

However, I realize that I can't give him everything he wants all the time either as it will make him entitled. Obviously I put my foot down on dangerous activity or behavior. But his crying breaks my heart. How do people handle this?
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is a reason that this time in a child's life is called the "terrible twos". When a child is testing the limits, it's because they want to know what the limits are. So it's your job as a mother to lay down those limits and hold them.

You need to come up with what limits you feel are important and hold fast on those limits. 

You also need to find things that he can make his own decisions about. This is important too. 

There are some good books on the topic. I’ll bet that there are some good websites that will give you insight.


This is the time when most toddlers begin testing limits shortly after their first birthday and continue until about age four.
His crying breaks your heart? This is because you misunderstand what his crying it about. You think him crying means that he is sad and his heart is broken. That’s not what his crying is about. He has learned that he can manipulate you by crying. Babies and small children learn very quickly how to manipulate the adults around them. They learn when a smile works and when crying works. His crying is a TOOL. 

I will use an example from when my son was that age. If his father was at home, he hated it when I’d put him in his crib at night. He’s jump and up down and cry until his father took him out of the crib and played with him. He had his father trained this way. What I realized is that his crying was the same as an older person standing there screaming obscenities saying something like “you #%@#$$%!!!! I want out of my crib now!!!! And if you don’t take me out I’m going to scream and cry until you get you’re a$$ over here and get me!!”

Think of that. He was not heart broken. He knew how to manipulate his father. Funny thing is that my son never did that when I was the only parent home at night because he knew I had his number.

A two the tantrums started. He’d even go so far as to throw himself on the floor and cry and cry. A counselor told me to just walk away when he threw a tantrum. She said to not give him any sympathy or ask him to stop crying. Instead to say something like “I don’t want to be around a kid who is throwing a fit.” and then to just walk out of the room.
So I tried it. You know what I found out? A tantrum needs an audience. Very shortly after I would leave the room, he’d stop crying and follow me to another room. Then he’d throw himself back down on the floor and start his tantrum over again. And I’d tell him again that I was leaving and why and go to another room. It did not take long for him to realize that crying and tantrums were not going to work to get what he wanted.

Another thing he would do is to cry in stores and insist that he had to have something or another. So the counselor told me that when he did this, the proper response was to tell him that if he was going to act that way that we’d just go home. And I’d pick him up, carry him to the car and leave. He eventually learned that if he wanted to go to a store (or anywhere) with me he had to behave himself.

So gave crying and tantrums no attention… do not be the audience he needs.
Remove him from any public place where he starts to cry and/or throw a tantrum.

Check on a site like Amazon.com There are many good books about how to handle the terrible twos.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The Authoritative Parent is the best way to be - strong but loving, logical and not using emotion to control.


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## loopy lu (Oct 30, 2013)

I prescribe to a more gently method of parenting. I prefer to be firm and consistent, but understand that meltdowns are absolutely normal for a toddler and that they are unable to process their emotions. 

I dont think ignoring meltdowns is productive. I think this teaches our kids that when they are struggling, we will not be there for them. I think its OK to reinforce good behavior, be consistent about your message, but help them manage their emotions in a way that is acceptable. 

Here is some info that I like to follow for my kids (I have 3)

Pinky McKay :: Official Website 2013 :: - Taming Tantrums

Good luck!


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## loopy lu (Oct 30, 2013)

I prescribe to a more gently method of parenting. I prefer to be firm and consistent, but understand that meltdowns are absolutely normal for a toddler and that they are unable to process their emotions. 

I dont think ignoring meltdowns is productive. I think this teaches our kids that when they are struggling, we will not be there for them. I think its OK to reinforce good behavior, be consistent about your message, but help them manage their emotions in a way that is acceptable. 

Here is some info that I like to follow for my kids (I have 3)

Pinky McKay :: Official Website 2013 :: - Taming Tantrums

Good luck!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

loopy, that IS Authoritative Parenting.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> There is a reason that this time in a child's life is called the "terrible twos". When a child is testing the limits, it's because they want to know what the limits are. So it's your job as a mother to lay down those limits and hold them.
> 
> You need to come up with what limits you feel are important and hold fast on those limits.
> 
> ...


Yes yes and yes!!!!


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Exactly!! My daughter threw exactly ONE fit and apparently I did the same thing as a kid! My Mom gave me that exact advice on not giving an audience - it worked on me and it worked on my daughter.

Loppy there is a difference in a tantrum and a melt down. A tantrum is a method they use to try and get their way. A meltdown is an emotional response to something going on in their life. They are very different. If a child can't find a toy and is having a melt down, we try to help them solve it and find the toy or an appropriate substitute - we teach problem solving. But a tantrum is different - we teach them we will not be manipulated and that behavior is not welcome.

I knew to not take my toddler to the grocery store until AFTER her nap. Otherwise a meltdown would occur over something she wanted. Big difference. That wasn't manipulative - it was frustration coupled with exhaustion.

EleGirl I had the same thing going on with my ex! She was still taking a bottle in the middle of the night at a year old! I knew this was not normal and I was soooo tired. So I was letting her cry it out when he shows up with a bottle criticizing me because she was hungry. I told him she wasn't hungry, she wanted the comfort and needed to learn ot comfort herself. So the next day I told him if she was hungry she'd take it from a sippy cup, right? (She was using those during the day.) He agreed if it was hunger, the delivery method would not matter. So that night when she cried he tried to give her the sippy cup of formula. No dice. He finally realized that what I said was true - she was waking up in the middle of the night and didn't know how to go back to sleep without a bottle and we had to teach her. It was miserable for a couple nights but we finally broke her of the habit and I felt MUCH better not getting up every single night.


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

He varies between waking up often and sleeping through the night. I think it's a developmental leap as he is 2 in 18 days. He is in a toddler bed and he is now climbing up the stairs to our room. He's stubborn and wants what he wants. Pray for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you watched SuperNanny? One of the top 2 problems that occurs in nearly every family is the kid who won't stay in bed. What does it take? It takes you giving one night to setting the record straight. The first time he gets up, you pick him up and put him back in bed, and say 'It's time for sleeping' and you leave the room. If he gets up again, you take him back to the bed without a word. If he gets up again, you take him back to the bed. He WILL eventually become exhausted at doing this, and give up and go to sleep. It may take you ten times of doing this, it may take you 50 times. But he WILL finally understand he's not allowed to get up any more.


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## johndz (Dec 19, 2013)

My daugher has almost the same age. Its hard, as a father, really her crying break your heart. But when is needed, I must stay firm. I always am talking with her, so I hope she can understand the reasons, she is very smart.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

We practiced attachment parenting. 

22 months is so young. 

I would pick up a crying child at any age.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Do you think your inability to parent a toddler can lead you to get IC ?
Could you have your own parental issues?

Dh and I have 4 children. One is a successful web designer out on her own and the other's are still at home but very independent they have job's, honor roll etc.

I do have to ask are you a SAHM or a workplace mom? Are you married or single/divorced? 

A 22 month year old is in the terrible two's....it's not that hard to establish boundaries with a toddler.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

jld said:


> We practiced attachment parenting.
> 
> 22 months is so young.
> 
> I would pick up a crying child at any age.



A crying two year old is usually being defiant and pushing the parents boundaries. This can lead to some very bad fights between husbands and wive's .

After raising 4 children and being a SAHM, I would NOT pick up a crying child at any age.

I am a wife first and a mother second


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

over20 said:


> A crying two year old is usually being defiant and pushing the parents boundaries. This can lead to some very bad fights between husbands and wive's .
> 
> After raising 4 children and being a SAHM, I would NOT pick up a crying child at any age.
> 
> I am a wife first and a mother second


It's okay, over20. We all parent a little differently. No one needs to feel they have to defend how they do things. We just share our thoughts and experiences here.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

jld said:


> It's okay, over20. We all parent a little differently. No one needs to feel they have to defend how they do things. We just share our thoughts and experiences here.


That is true, the OP is asking for advice. Yes, we all can share our thought and experiences here. Parenting in 2013 is a lot different from decades past. It's more about touchy feelings than principle and respect.

Some parents now a days have to remember that they are the ADULT in charge...if one cannot manage a two year old crying how will they manage an 18 year old yelling.....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jld, just curious...are your kids grown now?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Hi, turnera. I have a dd18, ds14, ds11, ds8, and ds5.


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