# My Brother in Law



## Nikki51

Well, my marriage has many problems, but this is the one that is presenting itself currently. And, I dont know if this is normal.

Some background: My husband and I have been together 8 years and were married after 4 years of dating. My husband asked me to marry him while he was in basic training for the army. We got married and immediately moved out of state away from both our families to where he was stationed. We were living away from our families for 4 years, now we are back in our hometown living near family again. We have been back a month and a half, so this is really the first time in our married life that we have to deal with each others in-laws and such. I get along with his family and he gets along with mine, but there is one problem. His older brother.

His older brother is in his thirties, and doesnt really have a life of his own. He has been divorced twice, lives with their mom to help her out financially, and I suspect he is an alcoholic. The problem I am having is that he demands alot of my husbands time. They are very close and my husband does not mind spending most of his time with his brother. However, I have a problem with it. If my husband does not agree to do whatever his brother wants, whenever his brother wants they will fight and argue. My husbands brother demands that my husband spend all day every Friday with him and Sunday nights. They work out together everyday. They are constantly on the phone with each other. My problem is, I dont think this is normal, I will admit I am jealous, and I feel I come second to his brother now. I feel like its the three of us in this marriage. We constanly argue over this. I dont know if I am just being selfish, or if their relationship is abnormal and I have a valid point. I dont know what to do. HELP!


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## justean

im sorry that you feel the jealousy, but the one with the real jealousy problems is the brother inlaw. 
he looks at his brother , your H with contempt at what you both have in your lives. 
his brother has a wife, happiness, sex ,communication,home, stablity and whats the brother in law got , nothing compared. 
i have seen this so many times. its like your H has a bad best friend, that unfortunately with the brother, you just cant let them go. best friends , well you can let them go, if they come to no good. but family are very different.
the demands from the brother in law are abnormal for your relationship with your H and this needs to be addressed, or your marriage will b in jeopardy at some point.
your not being selfish.
unfortuately arguing is going to break you mentally and spiritually.
your H needs to acknowledge it can and wil affect his marriage.
i dont think you can break a brotherly bond, no matter how much demands are made by one. 
but a suggestion, your H needs to look at reducing the brothers demands.
i dont think this is an easy situation for you .
try making your own demands to go out as H and W.
the brother in law - my real thought. he wants his brother to himself . your in the way , he wants you out and not in the picture.


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## voivod

Nikki51 said:


> His older brother is in his thirties, and doesnt really have a life of his own. He has been divorced twice, lives with their mom to help her out financially, and I suspect he is an alcoholic. The problem I am having is that he demands alot of my husbands time. They are very close and my husband does not mind spending most of his time with his brother. However, I have a problem with it. If my husband does not agree to do whatever his brother wants, whenever his brother wants they will fight and argue. My husbands brother demands that my husband spend all day every Friday with him and Sunday nights. They work out together everyday. They are constantly on the phone with each other. My problem is, I dont think this is normal, I will admit I am jealous, and I feel I come second to his brother now. I feel like its the three of us in this marriage. We constanly argue over this. I dont know if I am just being selfish, or if their relationship is abnormal and I have a valid point. I dont know what to do. HELP!


"honey, when i married you, i married YOU. i don't think you hangin with your brother all weekend is what i thought US was gonna be like."

the brother is trying to control the only part of his life that he can control. his brother/your husband. your husband runs the risk of picking up some very bad habits. careful...communicate your issues/fears with him.


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## Blanca

Nikki51 said:


> My problem is, I dont think this is normal, I will admit I am jealous, and I feel I come second to his brother now.


That is really hard. I am really close to my family and i know many times my H has felt second to them. I also have a younger alcoholic brother so i know the emotional pull they can have. We dont live close to any of them, but if we did i know we'd have issues.

Maybe you can talk to your H about why he likes to hang out and talk to his brother so much? once you find out what his reasons are then you might find a better way to work with him. If he feels like you understand and care, he might be a little more willing to hear your side of things. and you might soften up a little. 

If you've tried talking to him and finding ways to compromise and he's just not listening to you, then you have to start giving consequences for him. Start doing your own thing, going out with girlfriends, and dont bother talking about it to him anymore.


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## Nikki51

My husbands idea of what you do for family is VERY different from mine. My husband is Mexican/Italian. He says no matter what, you do ANYTHING for your family. My husband says his brother needs him and he's the only person his brother has in his life. So, my husband feels obligated to his brother. He says I dont understand because Im not Mexican, and Im not close to my family. I was always under the impression that when you get married your spouse becomes number one. 

But, my husband is not trying to help his brother with the alcoholisim. His brother does not want help. 

I have communicated the concern of an issue developing with my husband and drinking, but so far I dont see it being an issue. I also have communicated to him exactly how I feel. My Husband thinks Im trying to tell him to cut off his brother. Im just trying to tell him to set some boundaries. My husband doesnt get it. 

If my brother in law just got some help and got a life of his own, it would be okay. But, I dont see him ever getting married again or being in any place to sustain a relationship. I dont see him ever getting help. He is a VERY stubborn person. My husband and I dont have kids right now, but Im just wondering with all this going on with his brother who's going to come first when we finally do have children. Im very scared for our marriage.


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## voivod

i don't buy the cultural difference. if he was really interested in doing ANYTHING for his brother, he'd organize an intervention for his brother. i don't thing "i'm mexican" is a reason to drag this out. unless he is willing to accept every other stereotype about his culture. some are not very complimentary.

plus, i'm anglo. i'm close to my family, i'd do anything for them. and if one was a drain on me like bro-in-law is here. the ANYTHING i'd do is put some distance between me the safety net and him the falling man. teach him to stand on his own two feet.


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## draconis

Nikki51 said:


> My husbands idea of what you do for family is VERY different from mine. My husband is Mexican/Italian. He says no matter what, you do ANYTHING for your family. My husband says his brother needs him and he's the only person his brother has in his life. So, my husband feels obligated to his brother. He says I dont understand because Im not Mexican, and Im not close to my family. I was always under the impression that when you get married your spouse becomes number one.
> 
> But, my husband is not trying to help his brother with the alcoholisim. His brother does not want help.
> 
> I have communicated the concern of an issue developing with my husband and drinking, but so far I dont see it being an issue. I also have communicated to him exactly how I feel. My Husband thinks Im trying to tell him to cut off his brother. Im just trying to tell him to set some boundaries. My husband doesnt get it.
> 
> If my brother in law just got some help and got a life of his own, it would be okay. But, I dont see him ever getting married again or being in any place to sustain a relationship. I dont see him ever getting help. He is a VERY stubborn person. My husband and I dont have kids right now, but Im just wondering with all this going on with his brother who's going to come first when we finally do have children. Im very scared for our marriage.


Why would you talk about children when he WILL not put you first. I think that would be a red flag. 

"AM I family, where is my time?"

If you are not "family" why are you wasting your time.

draconis


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## Alicia

Older brothers will do this and the only way to stop this is to tell them off. Unfortunately, your husband will probably have to choose between you and your brother-in-law, and if there is one little doubt in his mind, then you should be reconsidering your marriage. If you think that your husband is worth fighting for, then you should try and open his eyes, ask what he would do if he was you? He has to consider your feelings and needs.
One more thing: Please try not to have kids until you sort this out;
Good luck!


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## gravity

:iagree: I have the same issue with my brother in law. But I don't know if there's something wrong with me. We live in a different state and my husband and his younger brother talks everyday. Sometimes 2-3 times a day. I find it really annoying.When he's with me,I want him to be with me not on the phone with his brother talking nonsense stuff. 

Best Example, When we're in the car together, his brother will call and I will be left alone. That is so rude of them, i feel I am not existing since he is on the phone talking and I'm just sitting beside. and at home even if it's late at night,let's say around 11:00 pm, when his brother calls,he picks it up, there''s no boundaries with them.. Do I feel normal?or I'm over reacting?


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## argyle

...my BIL's Korean - and the way he puts it...there is a real cultural difference...where people tend to tolerate inappropriate behavior and take care of each other instead of letting them suffer consequences. Of course, part of the culture also apparently involves staying out drinking with coworkers until midnight at bars and leaving home at 6 AM to work the next day. (Korea has a really high divorce rate.) My MIL apparently can't figure out that 4 AM is a bad time to call. :scratchhead:

...so, I wouldn't be surprised to find out that your husband's behavior is perfectly normal - particularly since your BIL needs help.

...it might work easier if you frame the discussion in terms of wanting more time with your husband instead of wanting him to spend less time with the brother because the R/S is abnormal. Your husband is probably doing something that's perfectly normal and maybe even morally necessary in his lights - so telling him that the R/S is weird probably won't work.

...asking for a weekly date night would be a good start - and then upping your requests until you're getting your needs met. There isn't a problem unless he's unwilling to negotiate or stand up to his brother.

--Argyle


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