# My wifes insecurity is ruining my marriage!!!!



## richie33

I have been punished long enough. Its been 1 and a half year of pure torture for me. When does my wife's insecurity and low self esteem stop being my problem but hers? Yes she found porn on my phone....yes I did what I am sure a lot of people have done I looked up exes on Facebook. Never once did I reach out to anyone....never did anything inappropriate. I looked. Guilty as charged. I towed the line enough. I am tired of working a hard days work and her running and grabbing my phone and excusing me of deleting my history as soon as I walk in the door. I am tired of the BS. I go to work and I come straight home. I have NEVER cheated on my wife. I never cheated on anyone in my life. I have lived with this too long. I want out. 
Here is a woman for six years who basically put work and school ahead of me. I excepted a sexless marriage to support her dream to become a nurse. All those nights she was stayed at work till 11 at work I never once thought let me snoop on her. Never once when she would get drunk with her friends after work did I accuse her of cheating. I trusted her. She has punished me long enough. You saw porn. I apologized long enough. I have lived like this too long. I will live with that I was a good husband maybe not great but I am a great father. We both know what you did while pregnant with both kids. I can forgive you for that. But you holding this BS over my head too long. You can blame me forever for destroying your self esteem but I am done at beating myself for it. Reason I direct some of these comments cause she follows everything I write on here. I can't even have a place to express myself without her going through everything I do without reading.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Disenchanted

curb, meet wife


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## unbelievable

She hands you a sexless marriage and then suspects you of cheating? If she doesn't feed her dog, it's none of her business where or what he eats. Even if you had cheated you wouldn't have given anything away that she valued.


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## richie33

She claims she knows I would never cheat. That infuriates me even more. You know you have a good man and she is repaying me by torturing me for what? A porn sites a year and half ago. She chose to go into my phone for basically six months to look at everything I looked at. Without my knowledge, if I was cheating guess what you would have found it. I don't understand why can't she stop. I leave my house at 5am everyday. I walk in the door and start repairing the banister that her mother broke and grabs my phone to check it. Accusing of deleting things from a silly site like bar stool sports. When is enough?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Disenchanted

I have found that those who are most suspicious are usually the one you should suspect the most.

just sayin'


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## unbelievable

Just because she's got a good man does not mean she has the foggiest idea how to treat one. Dogs chase cars but you never see them driving one.


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## richie33

Through all this I have never checked her phone...never looked at the history....havent asked for her passwords. Why cause I trust her. I feel like I am a schmuck for taking this crap. I can't live with this with the nonsense. We have son on the autism spectrum. That's where my attention should be. Not how to get my wife off this emotional rollercoaster she has us on. I am tired of being sick and tired. I remember when I was a kid a older guy told me once think about the most beautiful woman in the world...guess what there is a guy out there that can't put up with her BS anymore. I didn't get it then but I do now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Disenchanted

she's probably cheating on you, hence all the suspicion


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## richie33

If it was only that simple. Part of me wishes that was the case. I could get out. She goes to work, comes straight home. Doesn't go out, doesn't have any friends anymore. Its just me, her, kids and her low self esteem and insecurities. That's my life. It just revolves around it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BrockLanders

You shouldn't have apologized for those things in the first place, you did nothing wrong. Stop clearing your history. If she has a problem with it then she knows what she needs to do to get you to cancel your date with Palmela and her 5 sisters.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33

I stopped looking at porn more than a year ago. But even when I tell her I still have the impulse to look that means I am fantasizing about it.I can't win. She wants honesty and then makes it about herself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BrockLanders

richie33 said:


> I stopped looking at porn more than a year ago. But even when I tell her I still have the impulse to look that means I am fantasizing about it.I can't win. She wants honesty and then makes it about herself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Did you have a problem with porn? I don't see what the big deal is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33

Problem... I would say no. I never chose porn over my wife. Was I very impulsive...yes. Was I in a sexless marriage at its worse...yes. We now have a healthy sex life but seems like every week something new bends her nose out of wack. I can't keep talking about the same issues over and over. Either forgive me for the past or move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blue Firefly

> I excepted a sexless marriage...


Are you still in a sexless marriage, because I suspect all of your problems trace back to this fact.



> Yes she found porn on my phone....I looked up exes on Facebook. Never once did I reach out to anyone....


But, I'm sure you thought about it (and I don't mean that in an accusing way).

These are coping mechanisms men use in a sexless marriage. Porn (and masturbation) provide the physical release you wife won't give you. You build a fantasy life in your head of "what might have been" if you had married one of your old flames instead of your wife; you may not act on it, but it gives you some mental relief from your current situation.



> ...grabbing my phone and excusing me of deleting my history as soon as I walk in the door.


Some part of her realizes she is about to lose you (and she is). But, she is attacking the symptoms of the problem (the porn) instead of the root cause (your sexless relationship). 



> I am tired of working a hard days work... I go to work and I come straight home. I have NEVER cheated on my wife. I will live with that I was a good husband...I am a great father. Here is a woman for six years who...put work and school ahead of me. I...support[ed] her dream to become a nurse.


You were the typical "nice guy." Nice guys rarely do well in marriages.



> You can blame me forever for destroying your self esteem...


This is called projection. She has done something in the past to destroy her self-esteem, and she is blaming it on you. Ignore this.



> We both know what you did while pregnant with both kids. I can forgive you for that.


Obviously, you can't or you wouldn't bring it up.



> But you holding this BS over my head too long.


Again, your porn viewing is a SYMPTOM of a deeper problem--a sexless marriage. When she gets after you the next time, just reply "If I wasn't in a sexless marriage, I wouldn't be tempted to look at porn."

Go through some of the threads here on sexless marriages and nice guy syndrome. I would wager you are suffering from both.

You are probably doing the right things. Shaking things up so she understands your marriage can't go on this way.

BTW, I understand your wife being concerned. Her marriage is headed toward a rocky time. But, she is taking the wrong approach to fixing it. The porn is a symptom of another problem. As long as she focuses on the symptom instead of the cause, her marriage will get worse.


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## tacoma

Your mistake was apologiIng and enabling her insecurities in the first place.

Now the only way to get past it is to take it back.
Tell her you're not sorry and you've handled it wrong but you're done dealing with her self esteem problems.

I'd begin this conversation by having porn on my phone when I got home but that's just me.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear

It becomes her problem when you stop accepting her behaviour, draw some boundaries, and start enforcing them. Until you do, it's YOUR problem.

C


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## richie33

Check out my thread in considering divorce. It got worse over night.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Advocado

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:



unbelievable said:


> Just because she's got a good man does not mean she has the foggiest idea how to treat one. Dogs chase cars but you never see them driving one.


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## Advocado

Am wondering if she has been cheated on in the past. If not, do you know why she has these insecurities?

Has she had any IC? Also consider MC.


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## richie33

We met when she was just turning 21. We been together almost 14 years, married 10 in May. 
She said she was cheated on but who hasn't when your young. I know I have. I didn't bring that into the relationship.
She was in IC and we were in MC for 6 months. The therapist basically told her to stop with looking at my phone everyday, that it was not healthy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Advocado

richie33 said:


> We met when she was just turning 21. We been together almost 14 years, married 10 in May.
> She said she was cheated on but who hasn't when your young. I know I have. I didn't bring that into the relationship.
> She was in IC and we were in MC for 6 months. *The therapist basically told her to stop with looking at my phone everyday, that it was not healthy.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Apart from stating this obvious, did the therapist offer an insight as to why your wife can't/won't stop doing this? 

And how does your W feel about no longer having any friends, outside interests? When/when she lose touch with all this?

(Also you referred to when she was pregnant - what happened ?)


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## richie33

She basically said she is obsessing over it. Looking at my phone to determine if she will be happy if nothing is there and angry if there is.
She had basically one friend when we meet. Over the years it faded away. Now its only co workers. I tell her all the time to confide to her sisters, maybe they can talk her down. But she doesn't want to involve anyone.
The pregnancy thing I will keep private. But its something that hurt me and I constantly caught her doing. I beg her not to. Her answer to me when I bring it up is she never said she would stop.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Look, richie, your wife is stressed out! Child on the autism spectrum, full-time job, etc. She's stressed out and frazzled. Ah, you think I'm gonna side with her (cuz I'm a woman), right? WRONG!

Who the hell ISN'T stressed-out? Who isn't tired? Who isn't frazzled? TOUGH CRAP. She needs to pull up her big-girl panties and GET ON with life. She is taking her frustrations out on YOU because (a) she feels like crap and wants to share the misery and (b) you ALLOW it.

Next time you come home and she starts her accusatory CRAP you calmly turn to her and say, "You're just lashing out at me so I'll feel as unhappy as you do, Cupcake/Buttercup/Princess! It's not going to work! When you have calmed down from whatever your latest crisis is and you want to discuss it LIKE AN ADULT, I will be more than happy to discuss it MATURELY with you. Until then, I am going to go (play with child, take a shower, take a nap, go start dinner, mow the lawn, fix the bannister, etc.)

You're only PISSED OFF with her behavior because you CHOOSE to be pissed off. You could just as easily choose to ignore it like you would a 2year-old's tantrums. Wife does it, because she KNOWS it works. So, you can make it QUIT WORKING. Your choice.


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## richie33

Thank you. Your right. I react to it. I feed into it.I have the same stresses. I care for my kids the same amount as she does. Its not a excuse. I wish I could just go to sleep, take a shower, play with my sons. Its hard to ignore after taking NyQuil and it 2 in the morning and she is at the foot of the bed throwing all my clothes out of the drawers and yelling that I am a liar. I have to find a way to deal with this atmosphere better. I appreciate being at work more than ever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Advocado

Slowyly getting Wiser is spot on. 

It'll take a herculean effort, but if you're determined you can break this cycle. 

Let her rant and don't react (but please note I'm NOT suggesting you give her the silent treatment). Just breathe deeply and let her anger wash over you, get on with your day/evening and once she stops ranting talk to her as if she were a normal human being. 

Things will probably get worse before they get better but no matter, don't lapse back to your previous reactions. They got you nowhere good previously so they'll get you nowhere you want to be now either.

Although related to a different issue, some of the tips in the link in my signature below might be of interest to you in your situation.


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