# Communication difficulties...wife does her best but without verbal feedback...



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

*Communication difficulties...wife doesn't say much at all before, during or after sex*

I hope i dont get hammered today...as it seems i always do...my problem, for those of you that want to help me, IS NOT ABOUT SEX but is about her lack of verbal communication towards me in the bedroom. So, we have much less a very good relationship outside the bedroom but inside she wont say much at all....no feedback before, during or after...when i ask her she would tell me keep doing what you are doing...thats it...when i ask her about what she likes or dislikes she just look at me and wont tell me...she says well if we are doing it, is implied...but to me is not enough...i want to be able to talk to her about these things and not feeling alone in my dreams of having our relationship taken to another level or just feeling confortable about it....without her talking to me about whats she is thinking or desiring or wanting.....and i dont have to tell you that no input or feedback about me, my moves or else...so it can become really lonely...am i right to want to have more verbal communication about our sex life?


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Some people just can't talk about sex. Period.

if that's the sase with her, I would suggest two things.

1 - Do what you want and assume it's all good for her. When it isn't, I'm sure she will speak up then.

2 - be verbal yourself. guide her, tell her what feels good, more of this. a little less than that, etc... Maybe she will pick up how good sex can be when you talk about what is going on.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Communication difficulties...wife doesn't say much at all before, during or after*



marcopoly69 said:


> ..when i ask her she would tell me keep doing what you are doing...thats it...when i ask her about what she likes or dislikes she just look at me and wont tell me...she says well if we are doing it, is implied...but to me is not enough...i want to be able to talk to her about these things and not feeling alone in my dreams of having our relationship taken to another level or just feeling confortable about it....without her talking to me about whats she is thinking or desiring or wanting.....and i dont have to tell you that no input or feedback about me, my moves or else...so it can become really lonely...am i right to want to have more verbal communication about our sex life?


I used to get "emotional" with my husband for these things, I just wanted MORE. I wanted his verbalness to be "as much" & as HOT as MY new found verbalness -and I longed for it in the bedroom too. I LOVED it if he told me what he wanted, high high, how far & how good! I probably got more out of him by asking questions -than him openly expressing . He would just tell me everything I do is great, he loves it but not offer any suggestions. 

I had a stick up my butt about this for a time. 

I had to work through this -as he never was much to flirt and get carried away like that anyway, he IS a more "quiet" Lover, not exactly what my "new" fantasies were envisioning. 

I have come to realize MY EXPECTATIONS were getting out of hand. I had to take a step back & realize what all I have, and where we came from. Most of our marriage I never even cared about this, never even gave it a thought, so why now? Why did I need him to change. Just because I discovered naughty flirting - I felt he needed to join my little party in the bedroom. He surrpises me once in a while , so we have come a little ways. 

I hope you won't get too hammered on here Marco! I think you are a very very sensitive man (more than most probably) who is feeling "starved" of this Verbal affirmation. You have come off badly on this forum many times for appearing impossible to please. 

I am one who feels these things ARE very important in a marital relationship - especially if this is one of your Primary Love Languages, so I hope you can express yourself in a way for others to understand what you are facing at home. 

It is true though, sometimes us erotic enthusiasts can get a little carried away in our "fervor". I know I did . 

We can't change the way our spouses ARE , if they are not an extrovert & overwhelmingly expressive, they will never be THIS, it wont matter if you were Brad Pitt. But we can learn to love & ACCEPT them for what they offer -- so long as you believe & feel she truly LOVES you. Maybe she shows it in other ways that YOU are missing somehow , as you are primarily focused on these verbal expressions. 

Possible ?


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

*Re: Communication difficulties...wife doesn't say much at all before, during or after*



marcopoly69 said:


> I hope i dont get hammered today...as it seems i always do...my problem, for those of you that want to help me, IS NOT ABOUT SEX but is about her lack of verbal communication towards me in the bedroom. So, we have much less a very good relationship outside the bedroom but inside she wont say much at all....no feedback before, during or after...when i ask her she would tell me keep doing what you are doing...thats it...when i ask her about what she likes or dislikes she just look at me and wont tell me...she says well if we are doing it, is implied...but to me is not enough...i want to be able to talk to her about these things and not feeling alone in my dreams of having our relationship taken to another level or just feeling confortable about it....without her talking to me about whats she is thinking or desiring or wanting.....and i dont have to tell you that no input or feedback about me, my moves or else...so it can become really lonely...am i right to want to have more verbal communication about our sex life?


Ahhh I think this is about sex and you may very well be alone, since they're your dreams. My interpretation from the standpoint of a woman, the less she says the better. If she says something that is contrary to the script you have for her she is wrong, if she says what she really feels, she is wrong, if she capitulates and says nothing she is wrong. the preverbal rock and a hard place comes to mind; she is surrounded by a pillars of flames.


----------



## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> My interpretation from the standpoint of a woman, the less she says the better. If she says something that is contrary to the script you have for her she is wrong, if she says what she really feels, she is wrong, if she capitulates and says nothing she is wrong.


Well Cath (can I call you that?), not always true. I like to hear my girl talk. It's amazing when she asks me what I want and when she tells me what she wants. 

I do not know what triggered this as for the longest time she wasn't too much into telling what she wanted. The strange thing is, she is quite an active lover, often in the mood etc, but just didn't talk much about sex.

e.g. she could say harder, moan about how good it feels and ask for "other stuff", but talking afterwards or later about sex was not her thing. Like SA, I tried to get her to talk but eventually gave up and respected her choice.

Once we started with g-spot stimulation though, she suddenly started asking me if whatever she did felt nice and started telling me how my actions felt to her. This made me happy. I have learnt more details about her body in the past year than the 8.5 before. I don't care if she tells me something I did not expect to hear, I like it, makes me feel more connected, even if it is to stop because of [insert reason].

Now, she doesn't do this always and isn't as open as I am, but I am still ecstatic about her opening up to me


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Draguna said:


> Well Cath (can I call you that?), not always true. I like to hear my girl talk. It's amazing when she asks me what I want and when she tells me what she wants.
> 
> I do not know what triggered this as for the longest time she wasn't too much into telling what she wanted. The strange thing is, she is quite an active lover, often in the mood etc, but just didn't talk much about sex.
> 
> ...


If she has become more confident with you after a time it's because you are a good lover and have created a safe accepting environment for her. I was repressed at first with my husband but iI opened up because I feel that I am safe and he gets a kick out of what I say and do, i can be myself and he accepts that I don't have to follow some kind of script. Which is what you are saying I think. If a woman is with a good lover she relaxes and can say whatever comes into her mind. Her man will be happy because it comes from her unique reaction to him. Happy loving ! 

My reaction was to Marco specifically - you'd have to read his post to put it in context. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

Draguna said:


> Well Cath (can I call you that?), not always true. I like to hear my girl talk. It's amazing when she asks me what I want and when she tells me what she wants.
> 
> I do not know what triggered this as for the longest time she wasn't too much into telling what she wanted. The strange thing is, she is quite an active lover, often in the mood etc, but just didn't talk much about sex.
> 
> ...



Thanks for sharing your experience....is what touches your heart...is what makes you happy and fill you with emotions..you feel connected....you feel loved......you feel like you both are in the moment and loving each other....my wife likes sex, and i told her that whenever she wanted we can have a break or is she doenst want to do something is fine....communication is key to touch your love ones deep inside...in any relationship..thanks again for sharing....a lot of woman here hammer me for wanting to feel loved in a way that i need....instead of trying to help me they dicided that i am a sex pervert when i am just a loving husband that want to work on this issue to be able to love his wife without any recentment....


----------



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> If she has become more confident with you after a time it's because you are a good lover and have created a safe accepting environment for her. I was repressed at first with my husband but iI opened up because I feel that I am safe and he gets a kick out of what I say and do, i can be myself and he accepts that I don't have to follow some kind of script. Which is what you are saying I think. If a woman is with a good lover she relaxes and can say whatever comes into her mind. Her man will be happy because it comes from her unique reaction to him. Happy loving !
> 
> My reaction was to Marco specifically - you'd have to read his post to put it in context.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Not always happens....not all woman behave the same way, some people dont have a clue.....i have been reading about communication problems and i am understanding my wife better about why she is like this and why i am like this....we shared this information and i hope yesterday was a turning point in our problems with communication and trying to show that you think about your lover and how to make you happy.....a good wife/husband has to take care of their intimacy...

Cat you think you know me / us for the few posts i have put here but at the end of the day what you read is my passion, frustration, desires, dreams, venting, etc....you dont know about how much i take care of my family or my wife in everysingle aspect of our lives....i am going through a crisis right now and trying to overcome it....she knows that to me is very difficult because the way i was broght up.....the same issue with her and how she was brought up....so we are working in understanding why we behave in certain ways....she understands how important is for me to hear her saying nice things to me and i working in trying not to become sad when days go by and she seems to forget about investing in our relationship in the areas that need investment...isnt it all about working out your problems to be able to be truly happy and just enjoy life?....i know my wife loves me very much and i do too....but i also know that i need to work on my issues but i need her on board as well......i have made a lot of mistakes and am lucky my wife still there for me....but i know she wants to be with me sexually as we never need lube for vaginal penetration...never...she is always wet or get wet to the touch of my hands, body and manhood, so i am not abusing her...or anything like this....so please back off with the sex pervert sort of reputation you have given me....one come her to seek support and women think they know you and hammer you when you only want to share and hopefully seek some guidance......

So thank you to those of you who are trying to help....i am listning and i hope not ever feel like this again.....i cant even think or work when i am fighting with my wife about this issue of her lack of communication in the bedroom...(if i dont say anything, our evenings are really silance) so is a problem but it doesnt affect me as much as it does her silance when making love...i am working on it however....i want to meet her half way


----------



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Not that I think there's necessarily any balance to redress, but yes you're right to raise the question of preferring that your wife were more able to express her specific likes, dislikes, desires, etc, in the sexual context
I speak as a woman (of rapidly advancing years!!!!) who 'really should know better' how to let my OH know what's good and what's not and etc but I just can't and that's not helping us
Possibly not helping you either, but what intrigues me is that we all *****foot around wanting to know what each other wants to hear, & so on, but I think it would help me if my OH actually told me the words he needs to know - eg if he wants me to 'talk dirty' & use the vernacular about his body parts, or if he wants a basic left a bit right a bit & so forth
Probably to many forum members this will seem totally naive, a sign of our poor communication - well yes maybe but without clarity we're all talking in the dark


----------



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

madimoff said:


> Not that I think there's necessarily any balance to redress, but yes you're right to raise the question of preferring that your wife were more able to express her specific likes, dislikes, desires, etc, in the sexual context
> I speak as a woman (of rapidly advancing years!!!!) who 'really should know better' how to let my OH know what's good and what's not and etc but I just can't and that's not helping us
> Possibly not helping you either, but what intrigues me is that we all *****foot around wanting to know what each other wants to hear, & so on, but I think it would help me if my OH actually told me the words he needs to know - eg if he wants me to 'talk dirty' & use the vernacular about his body parts, or if he wants a basic left a bit right a bit & so forth
> Probably to many forum members this will seem totally naive, a sign of our poor communication - well yes maybe but without clarity we're all talking in the dark


Things that make me happy if coming from my wife when we are intimate...for example (she is just starting to communicate though so mostly is in my head)

1. she shows interest in being with me early in the evening...look for me, hug me, kiss me, grab my butt
2. we cuddle while watching tve and kiss some more during commercials
3. we tell each other how much we love each other
4. when i start feeling excited i tell her this....she answers me back or she tells me first...my love i am getting excited...you make me feel warm down there..etc..
5. she goes after my chest, kiss it, touch my junk while giving me looks very sexy...
6. during sex she shows enthusiams and makes me feel sexy making sounds...
7. when i tell her things she answers me back..she doesnt stay silance...
8. after sex, she tells me how much she enjoyed it and if it was special she also tells me..(love you are incredible i cum twice...what has happened between us but she never says anything i have to ask - which is a boomer)
10. next day as soon as you can go find your man and kiss him...and kissing good....like saying go about your day happy because your wife is hot for you.....something on these lines...


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

*Re: Communication difficulties...wife doesn't say much at all before, during or after*



marcopoly69 said:


> I hope i dont get hammered today...as it seems i always do...my problem, for those of you that want to help me, IS NOT ABOUT SEX but is about her lack of verbal communication towards me in the bedroom. So, we have much less a very good relationship outside the bedroom but inside she wont say much at all....no feedback before, during or after...when i ask her she would tell me keep doing what you are doing...thats it...when i ask her about what she likes or dislikes she just look at me and wont tell me...she says well if we are doing it, is implied...but to me is not enough


Here it is You have said this a number of times, and it is the crux of the issue. 

There is a truth/fact/reality that many, many, many people have a really difficult time accepting.

You don't get to always get what you want in marriage. AND

You can only change YOU. You can ask for change from the spouse, but there is nothing you can do to MAKE that change.

Stop and read that again. Because you, so far, are not getting it. Ok, did you read it again? Read it again, just for good measure, because...

What you are going to do is going to need to both understand and ACCEPT that you don't get to change her. 

So let's look at that this. You want something. SHE DOESN'T. If she wanted to be doing these things, she would be doing them. Who is right? You feel you are. Wrong. No one is. You both are.

You are not being misunderstood. Whether this is about sex or not about sex, the real issue is you want something. She wants something else. You each have the right to your own desires in this matter. But you feel as though you have a right to get something from her that she does not want to give. You don't. SHE chooses whether or not she wants to give that to you.

I want to make sure you see where you are right now. Do you see that she has as much right to not want this as you have to want it? Do you really SEE that? Because if you don't, you cannot be helped. You are going to keep coming here frustrated. And people are going to keep getting annoyed at you.

Do you see that she has as much right to NOT want this as you have to want it? Yes I know I already said that.

So let's assume you finally see this. You have two options that I can see. I will go over the one that seems the least like a loving person, but by the same token is a possibility depending on where you are.

Option one. You decide you made a mistake marrying someone with such a different view of something so important to you. You decide it is a deal breaker. You tell her so. If she doesn't respond, you leave. Not a stellar choice, in my book as it seems for the most part you guys love each other. This choice, is, however, preferable to your continuing to harangue her over the next 30 years.

Choice two. Make changes in YOU (remember the above fact. YOU are the only one you can change. You cannot change her. Only SHE can change her) that engender mad, mad love in her and make her WANT to change out of her great love for you. You are freaking out right now because you may face 25 years of trying to become the best husband in the world, and you may NEVER get her to be more open wrt to her sexuality. This is true. There is no guarantee that this will get you what you want. It is CERTAIN to improve your marriage in a gazillion ways. But there is no guarantee that it is going to EVER get you what you want wrt open sexuality. 

You don't get a guarantee that you do this, and you will get what you want. It doesn't exist. Aint gonna happen. Because of that pesky truth that you can't change HER. You can only change YOU. Damn.

Openness of sexuality is something that sounds CORE to you. So perhaps you did just choose the wrong woman to share that core bit of your values. For myself, I would have a difficult time being married to someone who was not sexually open. 

That said, I used to be VERY shy about sexuality as a result of my upbringing and some history. I would not speak about or talk during. I would do nothing kinky EVER. Once DH and I got past some initial marital humps, he spent the years being the most wonderful husband in the WORLD. As my trust in him and love for him grew greater than my fear of my stupid upbringing, the openness increased and increased. At first I gifted the things that he wanted for him. I loved him and wanted him to be happy. Over time, I became as interested in open, goofy, fun, passionate, kinky sex as he did. Now there is pretty much nothing off the table. Well animals. But he has no interest either.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Agree.

If she is shy about her sexuality and doesn't like to open up, you may have to accept her as she is. You are more open when it comes to your sexualilty, your wants, needs, etc. She is NOT. She may eventually get there once she begins to trust more (and this may be her issue alone and not yours), but she may never get there and this might just be WHO SHE IS.

Are you willing to accept her AS SHE IS? This is the question you need to ask yourself. Does the good outweigh the bad, what can you compromise on, what can YOU accept that is not a deal breaker and so on and so forth.

Once you have made that decision, it takes the pressure off of her and you. As others have said over and over - you can push and push and push and push and you are never going to CHANGE HER. Ever - repeat - ever - repeat - ever.

The only person you can change is YOU. Sorry, but that's how it is. You keep pushing and you'll push her right out the front door. Relax, stop the pressure, she might surprise you and come to you.

I just get the feeling that there are other issues involved here and sex has just become the "issue" to focus on. You sound very dissatisfied in all your post(s) with your wife and how she makes YOU FEEL, what she does FOR YOU, etc., etc.

What are you doing FOR HER to make her feel special? Harrassing her in the bedroom sure ain't gonna do it.

RELAX!


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Agree.
> 
> If she is shy about her sexuality and doesn't like to open up, you may have to accept her as she is. You are more open when it comes to your sexualilty, your wants, needs, etc. She is NOT. She may eventually get there once she begins to trust more (and this may be her issue alone and not yours), but she may never get there and this might just be WHO SHE IS.
> 
> Are you willing to accept her AS SHE IS?


This is actually a very astute and important question. If you cannot answer yes, you do not belong married to her and need to let both of you find someone who can.

Seriously. If you cannot accept her the way she is. That is not good. Not really necessarily a judgment against you. But not good.



> RELAX!


I want to second this. Your posts have a tenor of hysteria that will prevent you from seeing the issues at stake and the realities around them.


----------



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

That is why is called a MIDDLE AGE CRISIS and let me tell you that you could say to me all of the above without sounding like a b...tch...with all your respect you do.....my wife and i have built a life together and gone through so much together, have three children and achieved stability and now we are working in bridging the gaps based on our personalities and upbringing....

You are wrong to suggests that when you love someone and want to be with them that there is no room to change and some change small change can be such that does the trick....did you see when i said most of it is in my mind....and it will for ever be....the love of your live knows is with you in a journey and sex in a marriage must be a journey...if not you'll never experience a level of connection and closeness that only sexual attraction for you husband and doing something about can bring...

I feel for your experiences growing up around sex and i do understand my wife since i have known her since we were 16 and 17 and she is not half of the woman she is today...why because we change through live, we change because is important to have a full life.....without change in all areas of your life (doesnt have to be big changes) you dont feel like your life means something...we get old, our children grow up, we retire....and our lives keep evolving and changing...so why our sex lives will stay the same for ever???


----------



## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

marcopoly69 said:


> Things that make me happy if coming from my wife when we are intimate...for example (she is just starting to communicate though so mostly is in my head)
> 
> 1. she shows interest in being with me early in the evening...look for me, hug me, kiss me, grab my butt
> 2. we cuddle while watching tve and kiss some more during commercials
> ...


Oooohhhh.....

I'm glad you liked my post, but I have to agree with the ladies here. Do not even bother thinking of changing her. Won't work. I tried and failed. Was less mature back then. It was only a long while after I told her what I liked, but accepted her as she is, that she slowly started talking.

Some people just aren't open to talking about their feelings. My gf was teased when she was in primary school and is a lone child coming from a household in which they don't communicate much. This transition was difficult. Her opening up about her emotions took a while. Opening up about sex took 9 years and counting. It didn't help that I tried to change her for a long while.

Also, some women don't moan much. It's best to accept her body language and enjoy the small things she does. Enjoy hear breathing, enjoy the small movements she makes, enjoy the looks on her eyes.
I can tell you that I don't need to moan, for myself, but it makes it more enjoyable. She doesn't need to as well, but enjoys doing it. If you want her to moan, why not grunt yourself? Give her an example, make her feel as if it's not weird.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

marcopoly69 said:


> without sounding like a b...tch...


Marco you see this what you said? Do you think that's what any woman has said here would warrant such an ungentlemanly and disrespectful response? No one has called you a name. If anything the engagement has been to try to help you. 

You ask for help but you want to control the response. I think the advice has been consistently good. It is not want you expected but the attempt is to get you to see that a more measured approach will pay off.


----------



## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Marco you see this what you said? Do you think that's what any woman has said here would warrant such an ungentlemanly and disrespectful response? No one has called you a name. If anything the engagement has been to try to help you.
> 
> You ask for help but you want to control the response. I think the advice has been consistently good. It is not want you expected but the attempt is to get you to see that a more measured approach will pay off.


Agreed, acceptance is what truly brings change in someone. The more you accept someone, the more they accept your wishes and try to change. 

Even I do it. My girl really accepts me for the lazy bum I am (yes, I am lazy XD) but that makes me wanna work my ass off to do anything she wants.


----------



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

While (a) there may be more behind the post(s) than we know from the forum, and (b) maybe OP should have been more measured not name-calling, and (c) There is a great weight of advice saying the only person you can change is yourself, I would offer the following:
I totally and completely disagree that if anyone, and in this case the wife, isn't behaving a certain way, it is because she doesn't want to (vt mum) - I would LOVE to be more vocal in words, to be more affectionate in words, to be more expressive in intimate ways. I very much WANT to make all those changes -but can I? Can I heckaslike! Sure, with time and help from my OH I might make small changes - and I'd venture maybe that's what has to happen for OP & his wife; will it be a sudden humungous change I very much doubt
Have you (OP) actually asked if she WANTS to make such changes, even on a very slow basis?


----------



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

Draguna said:


> Oooohhhh.....
> 
> I'm glad you liked my post, but I have to agree with the ladies here. Do not even bother thinking of changing her. Won't work. I tried and failed. Was less mature back then. It was only a long while after I told her what I liked, but accepted her as she is, that she slowly started talking.
> 
> ...


I disagree completly....you guys have been brain washed by all the conservative, low sex drive woman in this forums that are trying desperatly to have affirmation of their own believes because they feel guilty of now being able to enjoy sex in a way that could make their unions to their husbands happy and full.

Dont stop fighting for having a better sex life....if you do, you will kill part of what makes life exciting and make you fell like you want to be with your wife so much because you love her so much.....i mean, whats the point if you are not evolve in you marriage, if you are not going to have the trust to share everything and both work at finding a way to keep every single aspect or their life moving forward......sex is no different...sex in a marriage has to be exiciting (not all the time but yes from time to time you both need to make an effort to show the other that you want to experience new things and are willing to try) but also you need to meet her half a way in the sense that you have to give her time and space and love....and keep the lines of communication going....sorry but all the posts about settling for what you have in the sex department makes me sick!...because anyone with a degree in conseling will tell you that you are nutts to think like this....


----------



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> Marco you see this what you said? Do you think that's what any woman has said here would warrant such an ungentlemanly and disrespectful response? No one has called you a name. If anything the engagement has been to try to help you.
> 
> You ask for help but you want to control the response. I think the advice has been consistently good. It is not want you expected but the attempt is to get you to see that a more measured approach will pay off.


SimpleAmourse answers with respect and knowing what she is talking about....you come from a different place...of recentment and unhappy sex life...so why i am going to accept being treated like something is wrong with me for trying to find a way to be with my wife where both can be fully complete and happy with all we have worked for...

And i am not being disrespectful,,,,did you read her post?? - you are going to tell me that she is not full of recentment? because she wants so desperetly for me to be wrong whe she knows deep inside that i am not crasy for wanting this from my relationship...so i stay behind what i said...i am not going to just be here and not saying anything when certain people treat you like something is wrong with you.....


----------



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

madimoff said:


> While (a) there may be more behind the post(s) than we know from the forum, and (b) maybe OP should have been more measured not name-calling, and (c) There is a great weight of advice saying the only person you can change is yourself, I would offer the following:
> I totally and completely disagree that if anyone, and in this case the wife, isn't behaving a certain way, it is because she doesn't want to (vt mum) - I would LOVE to be more vocal in words, to be more affectionate in words, to be more expressive in intimate ways. I very much WANT to make all those changes -but can I? Can I heckaslike! Sure, with time and help from my OH I might make small changes - and I'd venture maybe that's what has to happen for OP & his wife; will it be a sudden humungous change I very much doubt
> Have you (OP) actually asked if she WANTS to make such changes, even on a very slow basis?


This is a better....thanks for your views on the matter....my wife has already changed a lot since we started our journey together 22 years ago....before we had a very only what she accepted king of sex....3 times a week, no hands here or there, etc.....today, we both have grown, me am much more calm in the way i see life and react to it....but when i turned 40, believe or not things changed for me....i remembered all the recentment i built through out the years towards my wife for not feeling that she wanted to be with me and actually give hersefl to me (your body is not yours but your spouse), anyway, i believe in change in the sex department but i understand what you said about changing yourself to trigger change in the other...and i am working at showing her that i diserve for her to be brave and try to dear and see how she feels....last night she was in the bathroom after a lot of foreplay and kissing and just being close (we kiss more than the 10 seconds rule) and i diceded to wait for her naked facing down....when she got out...she went crasy grabing my butts cheeks and then she got naked and mounted me and started to rubbing her vagina agaisnt my butt - i drove me bananas....last night was amazing in so many levels...and i dont know about you but she felt confortable she experienced two orgasms and the second one was so powerful that i almost past out.....so....why i am going to forget about this kind of experiences and what it does for the relationship??


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

marcopoly69 said:


> That is why is called a MIDDLE AGE CRISIS and let me tell you that you could say to me all of the above without sounding like a b...tch...


I am not sure to whom you are replying. If it is me, I assure you that I had no desire to be b!tchy. I am trying to help you.




> You are wrong to suggests that when you love someone and want to be with them that there is no room to change and some change small change can be such that does the trick....


This is something that I find mildly frustrating about some people. You come to a forum looking for help. But so vehemently clinging to your own view point, reject the help that is offered, unwilling to consider changing the way YOU think. Because of course you are very right. You are so adamant about keeping your point of view that you seem to intentionally misread what is said. It is too bad that this scene is all too common in forums. 

I am trying to help you see another point of view that might HELP YOU. My husband was in your situation. And no longer is. <--- I might have something useful to say to you. But this is my last attempt. If you persist in keeping your brain shuttered tight, I will leave you to your closed minded misery.

Here goes. I never said that there is no room for change. Not a bit of it. We are talking about areas of control. Let me take a whole new tack.

I am a software engineer. I would like my customer to perform regular data backups to an off site facility. This would reduce their risk. Reducing my client's risk is important to me. I ask them to put such a procedure in place. They are lazy or stupid or whatever and don't. I can whine and ***** until the cows come home. I cannot MAKE my client perform backups. So instead, I write backup into the software. Change happened BUT WITHIN MY AREA OF CONTROL.

You have an area of control. Things that YOU can do to promote change. One thing you can try is to speak directly to your spouse and tell them what you want changed. That can often work. But sometimes it doesn't. This is where area of control comes in. You tried what was within your control. It did not work. TIME TO TRY SOMETHING ELSE. 

Your wife loves you. There is a REASON she is not doing what you want. Whether it is upbringing, religion, personal preference, need for even further trust.... Continuing to harangue her ISN'T ADDRESSING THE UNDERLYING CAUSE of her not changing. And in the process is likely building resentment.

RECAP Area of control. You only have control over YOU. Change you to try to engender the change you desire in her. <--- Read that again. No guarantees. But worth a try. Life rarely comes with guarantees. Whether or not it directly gets you what you want, it will be good for your marriage regardless. So what do you have to lose?

Good luck.


----------



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> I am not sure to whom you are replying. If it is me, I assure you that I had no desire to be b!tchy. I am trying to help you.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I understand your point.....what bothers me is the way you say things....you could be much more helpful the way you just wrote to me...and i do appreciate the time you spent on this as for me and for many people reading TAM and venting your frustration is a form of therapy. My wife wasnt abuse when a child physically but did experience some form of physicological abuse since her father was very but very explosive so nobody wanted to face him not her mother, relatives , etc....so she avoids conflict, she runs away from communicating with me etc....when we started to dating and we reach a point of talking about sex, she told me straght that her vagina was hers and that nobody ever was going to touch it...taking about ignorant parenting....anyway, to me you are not really capable of knowing what you like or dislike unless you try it...and some people need a push....and it is not only about changing yourself but is about communication and making sure you let the other know why for you is so important to feel excited in your sex life...what it does for you and the closeness to the other person....my attraction to my wife is so powerful that everymoring for about 10 minutes as she is weaking up i kiss her everywhere i touch her, tell her in the ear how much i love her, how much excited she makes me feel about being togetherl...this is amazing to feel this way for somebody you have spent 22 years togehter - dont you think so?....i just want to be excited about my relationship with my my wife...and it has taken us a while to get here but know that with the help of somepeople (SA) i'll be able to find balane in my mind and heart to give my relationship with my wife the calm and peace required to fully blosson...


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

madimoff said:


> While (a) there may be more behind the post(s) than we know from the forum, and (b) maybe OP should have been more measured not name-calling, and (c) There is a great weight of advice saying the only person you can change is yourself, I would offer the following:
> I totally and completely disagree that if anyone, and in this case the wife, isn't behaving a certain way, it is because she doesn't want to (vt mum) - I would LOVE to be more vocal in words, to be more affectionate in words, to be more expressive in intimate ways. I very much WANT to make all those changes -but can I? Can I heckaslike! Sure, with time and help from my OH I might make small changes -


Yes, that is a good point. Want is the wrong word. SOMETHING is preventing her. And want probably is not it. Since she loves Marcopoly, she probably does want to satisfy him. All the more reason that haranguing her won't work!


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

marcopoly69 said:


> I understand your point.....what bothers me is the way you say things....you could be much more helpful the way you just wrote to me...


You get what you get. This is the internet. Area of control. Big issue for you overall perhaps?



> My wife wasnt abuse when a child physically but did experience some form of physicological abuse since her father was very but very explosive so nobody wanted to face him not her mother, relatives , etc....so she avoids conflict, she runs away from communicating with me etc....when we started to dating and we reach a point of talking about sex, she told me straght that her vagina was hers and that nobody ever was going to touch it...taking about ignorant parenting....anyway, to me you are not really capable of knowing what you like or dislike unless you try it...


to YOU. to YOU. to YOU. <--- read your last sentence again.




> and some people need a push....


How has that been working for you so far? I wish you the best. You are entrenched. Have a nice life.


----------



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> You get what you get. This is the internet. Area of control. Big issue for you overall perhaps?
> 
> 
> to YOU. to YOU. to YOU. <--- read your last sentence again.
> ...


And you don't want to hear other points of view either...so take your own advice....


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

marcopoly69 said:


> And you don't want to hear other points of view either...so take your own advice....


I am not the one having marriage problems. I have heard and understood your point of view. But it is not WORKING. Yet you cling to it like a life raft.


----------



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> I am not the one having marriage problems. I have heard and understood your point of view. But it is not WORKING. Yet you cling to it like a life raft.


It is working....SA helped my privately...she is very good in helping man like me...she hear me out, stay with me, let me express all my frustration and started to help me by telling me things that only woman can tell that i can expect my wife to tell me....about, for example, what are the things i need to observe that tells me she is very much into me...and staff like that.....good for you if you don't have marital problems...but it is all what it could be?...


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

marcopoly69 said:


> It is working....SA helped my privately...she is very good in helping man like me...


Glad to hear that.


> ..but it is all what it could be?...


And more. I could not be happier. Well I could have a little more money.  But I could not be happier with my husband and our marriage.


----------



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Glad to hear that.
> 
> 
> And more. I could not be happier. Well I could have a little more money.  But I could not be happier with my husband and our marriage.


Good for you....this is what is all about.....and all of us could do more with a bit more money....but when you are happy in your heart, as long as you can handle your bills, is all what we need.


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

marcopoly69 said:


> Good for you....this is what is all about.....and all of us could do more with a bit more money....but when you are happy in your heart, as long as you can handle your bills, is all what we need.


I agree with you there 100%.


----------



## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Marco
Bottom line is you are not sexually compatable with your wife. What turns you on turns her off. There is no right or wrong, you two are just different. Might want to try counselling to work out the differences, so you both can reach an agreement to get what each one wants.

Me talking to my H is one of his biggest turn ons, it makes him lose control, and drives him wild. I think I'm addicted to the control this gives me during this time. yessss!


----------



## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

marcopoly69 said:


> I disagree completly....you guys have been brain washed by all the conservative, low sex drive woman in this forums that are trying desperatly to have affirmation of their own believes because they feel guilty of now being able to enjoy sex in a way that could make their unions to their husbands happy and full.


Please don't make any assumptions. Just posted what I experienced. In my experience, it is very difficult to change someone. Changing yourself and giving the right example though, that might bring change in someone else.

As for the sex talk part, my girlfriend and I have it quite often. If possible, every day. It is also not vanilla stuff, we keep pushing the envelope. However, she wasn't much into talking about it. So instead of just asking her and trying to get her to open up, I just started talking about my feelings, how she made me feel. I could see her enjoy hearing how she pleases me. And this, caused her to start talking more about what she wanted in sex. The small stuff, the bigger things are easy to pick up on. Just things like how she exactly wants her breasts touched, where she wants to get smacked and how hard. Those kind of things.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Marco,
You posted that your "wife" gives you sex 5 times a week and a bj 3 times a week yet you moan about your sex life. Your "wife" won't do anal/you pissing on her and you complain about this.
You continue to push the envelope for your own sexual gratification and you look to our responses to further that. 
This is a website about marriage. A couple who is married and have questions about it and seek legitimate advice. This isn't a website about how to force my "wife" in to situations that she will be uneasy or uncomfortable with. 
Do you understand the difference? I doubt it but then I doubt the "wife" part.
When I called you out for only posting over the top questions in the sex forum, you suddenly started responding to the men's forum and the general forum. Coincidence? I doubt it.
There are real people here who have real problems. Please find some other form of entertainment.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Draguna - you hit the nail on the head!! I think there is a feeling of being criticized when the focus is on what a partner does wrong. But words of affirmation about how she makes you feel increases confidence and feelings that your man likes what you are and you can bring your self out with no fear of disappointing him or feelings that you will do something wrong. 

I made very small changes in the course of my marriage which my husband greated with happiness. My first attempts at giving him os was horrible at first, I know now, but he encouraged me and gently told me what to do in a way that I never felt critized or that I was real bad. I think is what I tried to tell Marco, by slowing down, and greeting small changes with happiness, he will be successful in some but not all. it takes more time but its worth the wait. Better than no change at all. The most important thing is not to show frustration or anger because that sets the stage for resistance and resentment in the future. 

I refused to do some things when we first married, my husband did not get angry or act frustrated. He enjoyed what we did do. The change for me came gradually, after about 9 months, first little changes, more verbal, telling him how much i liked, that was greated with acceptence and the growth accelerated from there. So it is was slow steady in an atmosphere of acceptence. Sometimes, a no means not yet, and after a period of good sex with no show of anger or frustration, confidence is gained.

The woman is not playing games but if there are hangups, she is just not sure of herself and needs a period of time with the man that shows he accepts her and enjoys sex with her. If request occur before the sexual relationship is comfortable and the man ask again and again and gets angry, his partner rarely get what he wants. If they do their, it just to shut him up and their is a marked lack of enthusiasm and obvious show of distaste. That can not bring much pleasure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Well Catherine and Brennan, you two kinda posted what I thought. Wish I could put it as eloquently as you two. What I tried to put in the post before Marco shot me down is that sometimes the small things like a change in breathing is all you need to start going in the right direction. People can enjoy sex but not be comfortable talking about it and going beyond what they know because of previous experiences. Told him before that my gf was teased heavily in primary school. That is one of the causes of why she felt uncomfortable talking to me about deeper emotional stuff at the start. 

Because I was impatient a few years into our relationship about some sexual acts, I pushed her away. I was too blinded to see what she was offering and I just wanted to try anal. Almost ended up losing her. Still haven't completely forgiven myself for that period of idiocy. Since then I have done my utmost best to be a better man for her and to understand her needs. If what she says is the truth, she has loooong since forgiven me and forgotten. We actually started doing anal a while ago and it's going fine, she enjoys it and asks for it often. She really is an amazing woman 

Now, Marco, I just want to spare you from this. Trust me, so far in my short life there has been nothing worse than the feeling of knowing you have mistreated your wife emotionally and somewhat physically. I hate talking about this to anyone but her, as it really was a lowpoint in my life, but if you don't ease a bit and let things come, you might end up in a situation like I was in. Just saying, beware.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

