# Husband Won't Help Out



## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

For months now, I've been reading and participating here, picking up tips on how to improve my marriage. But I find myself at an impasse. The sensation is this: I feel like I am the only adult in my marriage.

Unless I absolutely hound him - and I mean, pause the TV or turn off the computer and nudge him up into doing it - chores don't get done. I'll smile and ask on my way out the door, "Hey, if you could clean half the dishes, I'll clean the other half when I get home, okay?" And he'll agree - and it just won't get done until I come home and do it. I have (I wish this was a joke) let dishes sit in the sink for two weeks, hoping he'd break down and do it ... no joy.

This occurs with every chore and every bill we have. No amount of verbal asking, texts, or notes work. Dividing the chores didn't either. I'm left to do every household chore but the catbox, and nearly every bill that isn't set to auto-pay. It's making me feel like his mother instead of his wife.

I know he wasn't raised like this. His dad is very thoughtful and helpful in partnership with his mom. I don't know where this irresponsibility is coming from.

The part that's most hurtful is that I've explained that Acts of Service is my love language. I've stated - calmly and repeatedly - that when he doesn't do the chores he says he'll do, it sends a message to me that I'm not loved or important to him. I've been trying so hard to increase the frequency and passion of messages in his love languages, and I'm not getting reciprocity. I'm getting indifference and broken promises. And it stings.

So, readers of TAM, what's your advice? How can I help him take responsibility around our home and in our marriage?


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Does he have a stressful job?


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

He works on cars. He doesn't ever seem particularly stressed by it.


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## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

I very much dislike the phrase "Acts of service is my love language." If my wife said that I would literally laugh. I'm gone 14 hours a day between work and commute. She doesn't work. Therefore,she keeps the house clean. end of story
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Do you work Sabrina?


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

We both work, lalsr. Your situation doesn't apply. And the Love Languages are a popularly known tool for improving communication and appreciation. My use of the phrase at TAM is to signal the problem's depth. 

Anyone with actual advice?


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## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

No I get what it means...but to feel you aren't loved if someone doesn't do something for you is kind of out there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

How is it out there? His failure to lend a hand leaves all the weight of the running of the household to me. It's stressful. And since he promises to do these things and doesn't keep his word, it's breaking trust. If you stress a person and break their trust, it sends a signal that you don't value them.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

I take it you have a normal sex life?

Tell him that you only feel like making love to an adult member of a marriage and not to a spoilt child.
If you have to do everything else yourself tell him you will take care of the sex yourself.

But when he does do something, praise him and point out how much that helped you.

He is not married to his mum, he is married to you and needs to act like it.


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

That's just it, Wysh: there_ is_ no sex right now. I'm too frustrated and saddened to initiate, and his infrequent attempts to initiate weird me out because it's like being hit on by a teenager. He feels like a kid to me right now, and I don't want to have sex with a kid. I want to have sex with a _man_.


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

Satya, I'm hopeful there's a solution. At first I wondered if his depression was the cause of his lack of participation, but even on medication he hasn't helped out. It really is like he's desirous of me being his mommy, which is something that _never_ came up while we were dating. He never came off as spoiled, lazy, or a mama's boy. This is out of left field.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

I hadn't realised he was depressed. Even though he is on medication I suppose it is possible that the depression could be part of the problem.
Has he always been like this?

The no sex thing must be intolerable. If he isn't really missing it have you thought about testosterone levels?
I have read somewhere that low test can affect your general get up and go as well as sex drive.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

SabrinaBlue said:


> How is it out there? His failure to lend a hand leaves all the weight of the running of the household to me. It's stressful. And since he promises to do these things and doesn't keep his word, it's breaking trust. If you stress a person and break their trust, it sends a signal that you don't value them.


Has he always been like this? 

My guess is, he is just plain lazy.
Or, its learned behavior.
Or, he has entitlement issues. As in for some reason he feels he is in entitled to do nothing while you do it all. If thats the case, you need to get to the root of why he feels this way. 

Bottom line, all of the above, will come down to what YOU will and will not live with.

Also stop doing some things. If you do his laundry, STOP. If you make him dinner, STOP. Etc, could it be an eye opener, maybe or maybe not. BUT, you need to stop doing so much for him, start taking care for YOU. If he asks where is his dinner or why his shirts aren't clean, tell him why.


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

The depression didn't appear to begin until he lost his job. He spent 4 months watching TV and playing on the computer 18 hours a day. He's since gotten a great job that he enjoys, but doesn't seem to have recovered elsewhere. So you may be on to something here.


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

I'll add that he's had the new job for almost 2 years. He's had his medication balanced for nearly the same length of time (at least, that's what he's told me).

We're fine at family gatherings. We're great with friends. He doesn't change plans to lay around at home or anything. This lack seems to only be going on at home. That's why I'm floundering. It feels personal.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

SabrinaBlue said:


> It feels personal.


Thats one of the reasons I mentioned maybe he feels entitled. Sometimes people will act they are owed something when they feel wronged or hurt by someone. I'm not saying thats your case, but has anything you can think of ever happened between the two of you that maybe he felt was your fault or have you ever hurt him in some way, and now he this is kinda like a payback? His attitude is, "You do it all, because I'm not going to."


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

Not that I can think of. I've never had an affair, EA or PA. I don't flirt with other people. I haven't caused us financial harm. If it's my appearance, that would be strange, since I look exactly the same as when he married me. I'm racking my brain, and damned if I can't unearth a reason for him to feel entitled.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Stop doing his crap. Just state that you aren't a maid so, you'll take care of your stuff but he's on his own for clean clothes, food, etc, etc.

Maybe he'll get it. Or maybe you have to be drastic and actually give a real consequence...whichever you think that should be.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

SabrinaBlue said:


> Not that I can think of. I've never had an affair, EA or PA. I don't flirt with other people. I haven't caused us financial harm. If it's my appearance, that would be strange, since I look exactly the same as when he married me. I'm racking my brain, and damned if I can't unearth a reason for him to feel entitled.


And it may not be that at all, but it reminds me of some people who act that way. 

Its probably time or past time for some consequences and accountability, IF he isn't willing to help or or do his share, you will need to put those consequences for his actions or lack there of into place. If then still nothing, you will need to determine if this is how you want to spend your life.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

that_girl said:


> Stop doing his crap. Just state that you aren't a maid so, you'll take care of your stuff but he's on his own for clean clothes, food, etc, etc.
> 
> Maybe he'll get it. Or maybe you have to be drastic and actually give a real consequence...whichever you think that should be.


:iagree:

I mentioned that on the first page too. If he is hungry tell him he knows where the frig is. If his clothes are dirty tell him he knows how to turn on the washer.


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

Okay. When I tried it before, I did it with shared chores like dishes, but I can certainly do it with what's affecting him directly.

After I posted last night, I approached him and said that I am tired of feeling like his mother, and just want him to be an adult and help out. He held me and promised to do better. But this has happened before, so I don't believe him yet. He's got to show me, not tell me. He can start with his own stuff.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

SabrinaBlue said:


> Okay. When I tried it before, I did it with shared chores like dishes, but I can certainly do it with what's affecting him directly.
> 
> After I posted last night, I approached him and said that I am tired of feeling like his mother, and just want him to be an adult and help out. He held me and promised to do better. But this has happened before, so I don't believe him yet. He's got to show me, not tell me. He can start with his own stuff.


Yes actions speak louder than words. Also, if he has done this before, and he does this again, whats your plan? There are some people who tell their spouse what they want to hear, or will do something for a certain amount of time just to get them off their back, then stop and go back to how they were before.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea. Just stop. MAKE him have to care for himself. Clothes, food, etc. 

I stopped doing my daughter's laundry (she's 13). She is a turd about being grateful, etc...and guess what? She does her own laundry now. Win win.

I bought her her own hamper too. So I could still do ours, but hers piles up. I don't even look at it. Soon, she starts betching about having no clean clothes, then realizes she needs to do laundry. Life is rough  lolol.


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

If it becomes necessary, I will have to ask him to stay with his parents for a separation. I don't know of any way left to get him to care if he won't play ball this time. The thought of it makes me sick, but the thought of a divorce is obviously worse.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

No need for divorce over this. Honestly.

BUT...consequence for sure.

if it was ME, I'd budget for a house cleaner and just get one to come in twice a month. if he protested, I would just smile and say, "Hey, I work, you work, I don't want to do all the housework."

Then I'd buy paper plates, plastic silverware, etc.

I'd make it SO EASY for myself. And I'd only do my laundry. And never be rude ....just say you aren't going to be his momma.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

SabrinaBlue said:


> If it becomes necessary, I will have to ask him to stay with his parents for a separation. I don't know of any way left to get him to care if he won't play ball this time. The thought of it makes me sick, but the thought of a divorce is obviously worse.


Your frustration is understandable but that is a little over the top.

Have you tried not actually doing any of the housework for a while? This includes not preparing meals. Nothing makes a guy sit up and take notice better than hunger and having to go out to get some take out. And stop the coffee flow.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Just do for yourself. Tell him you are going to do this though....don't be passive aggressive. But explain calmly what you are going to do and why. You love him, but you hate being the one to take on the burden of everything.


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

A house cleaner is a possibility I hadn't considered (we were both raised to do own our housework, so I guess it hadn't occured to him, either). 

I'm going to let the experiment with his own chores play out. Meanwhile, I'm going to look up local maids.

How about the secondary problem of him spending nearly all available time on his computer, phone, or the TV? It isn't just that he won't help out. It's that he's spending almost all home time on something other than time with me.


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

Bjorn, I stopped meals for a while. He just started getting himself take out ... then leaving the trash all over the house.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

As far as the computer and stuff goes, cancel it. Use that money for a maid once a week. Well cancel cable and get cheap internet and limit phone stuff.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

SabrinaBlue said:


> Bjorn, I stopped meals for a while. He just started getting himself take out ... then leaving the trash all over the house.


Is he depressed? Has his behavior been like this throughout your marriage or is this a recent development?


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Sounds like a bigger problem going on here than just him not helping out or being on the computer...sounds more like he has just checked out of the marriage period.


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## Dubya (Oct 2, 2012)

lalsr1988 said:


> No I get what it means...but to feel you aren't loved if someone doesn't do something for you is kind of out there.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Read the book.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If he's checked out of the marriage, then I dunno. Talk to him. Not about chores, but about the marriage.


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## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

I'm so glad my wife isn't like a lot of the women here..stopping meals..ect...wow.. I wouldn't put up with it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

What is his primary love language?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

The problem with you cutting back on cleaning, laundry, cooking etc, OP, is that this is going to affect you, too. Years back I remember doing this with my teenage son for a short while, but it affected me more than it did him because I couldn't stand the mess / lack of organization, and I couldn't bear the idea that he was eating nutritious meals.

Reading your posts in this thread, I'm wondering if his behaviour isn't a form of passive aggression? He could be hacked off at you over something and this is his way of getting back at you... Whatever the case, his behaviour isn't that of a responsible adult.


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## Zig (Oct 6, 2012)

lalsr1988 said:


> I'm so glad my wife isn't like a lot of the women here..stopping meals..ect...wow.. I wouldn't put up with it
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree. Imagine if a man stopped bringing home a paycheck when his wife stopped having sex with him.

It seems here that when a woman posts about her husband not owning up to his part of the marriage (like this thread), the advice is to "fight back" by ignoring him/making his life more difficult. When a man posts her about his wife not owning up to her part of the marriage, the advice is almost universally "you need to try harder/break your back trying to make her happy."


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## tiredwife&sahm (Jan 4, 2012)

This woman WORKS. It is not the same as a sahw. So she should stop doing all of these things for him. It wouldn't make a difference in regards to a paycheck anyway cause he's not paying the bills without her telling him. Also, I don't think there's any bias here on TAM in regards to men. How many of you have been told to divorce your wife cause she won't have sex...yea, that's what I thought


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## tiredwife&sahm (Jan 4, 2012)

Oh and another thing. What if you worked all week to pay your bills and as soon as your wife got the money she spent it all on crap? Then you had to work harder to make up the money she spent that was for bills. Would you not feel that it was inconsiderate of her to do that? I think it's the same with housework. Fine, if you don't want to do serious cleaning, then don't clean, but be kind enough to your wife to not create extra work for her. Don't purposely leave trash everywhere and all other forms of debris all over the place just because she will pick it up. It's not right. I know men don't think much of it, but most women like to be in clean environments as its much less stressful than a dirty one. When you're in a dirty area all you can focus on is how much you have to clean and you can not relax.


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## Dubya (Oct 2, 2012)

Lal and zig, wtf are you guys talking about. Project much?


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

He sounds kinda like a child to me. So maybe treat him like one. Not like a 5 yr old but maybe like a teenager, one who needs to learn responsibility. He needs to learn to cook some meals himself, take care of some laundry, clean a bathroom, pick up after himself etc. Stop doing a few of those things, see if it makes a difference, if not, then maybe just present him with separation papers, and see if he can learn some responsibility while living on his own. 

Hard to say if he is really checked out of the marriage or acting this way for whatever reason, but regardless, it does seem to be in a passive/aggressive manner which is not a good thing and child like.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea...Lal and Zig...wtf?

I work full time. I pay HALF the bills. HALF. I am home before H so I have the kids longer and more often than he does. I cook, clean, do laundry because i have the TIME. He does yard work, picks up nightly, does the bathtime routine and bedtime while I do dishes. It works.

If he dropped HIS SIDE of shet, I would stop doing things FOR HIM because I have to do ALL THE SHET HE ISN'T DOING.

So...get off your high horses. If this was a man posting the same thing, I'd give the same advice. It's crappy behavior. It's not like he's working all day and she's staying home all day. If I was a SAHM, I would do it ALL. (Which I do in the summer when I'm off on break). But the OP works. Her husband works. She doesn't want to do ALL THE HOUSEWORK. Get it? gawd. If she was a SAHM, I would have told her to just stop her complaining.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

lalsr1988 said:


> I'm so glad my wife isn't like a lot of the women here..stopping meals..ect...wow.. I wouldn't put up with it
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And she shouldn't put up with what he is doing or not doing either. 

They both work, but for some reason he thinks all he has to do is work his job out in the world and come home and do nothing, doesn't work that way. 

If he doesn't want to step up to the plate not only for himself but for the sake of his marriage, then he needs to walk, or maybe she does, either way, doing nothing doesn't work.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Even if she was just a SAHM, and didn't work but he did, he still needs to help out, period. Peoples lives don't just stop because they work and the minute they walk through the door they expect to not do anything to help out some. If he doesn't want some responsibility as far as helping out at home, then he needs to get a divorce, and go live his life by himself and do nothing but earn a paycheck.


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## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

Well I will put my twisted spin on this from my view of being unhappily married to a "acts of service woman." I was hoping the OP would comment on what her husbands primary love language is. Mine is physical touch.

When I dated my wife I was on the lazy side, I could do more around the home but I do not do nothing at all like my wife claims. I never hid who I was but now she nags all the time.

On the other hand she was all over me when we dated. But that stopped as soon as that ring got on her finger. She was the one that was not as advertised. Yeah one of the excuses she withholds is that I "do nothing." But she fails to see what I do. She will go off on me then I tell her I did x,y,z on top of working 60 hours. "Well you did not put all the dishes back in the correct places."

I really do not get "acts of service." You make your marriage vows. Acts of service is the only love language you can get from any source without cheating. Hire a maid or house cleaner.... not cheating. She does not do anything in my love laguage..... my only other option is to cheat.

Now can somebody like me turn down advances from my with. O yeah, I was turned down too many times. If she all of a sudden wants to be intimate I wounder what she wants me to do now? I checked out, tried to explain things to her for years!

Let me assure every body that took the marriage vows. If you withhold intimacy on purpose you are not helping the situation. You are setting yourself up for misery.

If I finally get out of this marriage, I will make sure my next partner is not acts of service. I can not comprehend how scrubbing toilets make me look sexy. Just be happy I have good aim. I resent that to my wife scrubbing toilets is more important them me. My wife fails to understand this about me.

Just putting this out there. The guy may have checked out.


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## MiriRose (Mar 12, 2012)

Sabrina, I am sorry you're dealing with this! It looks like you've gotten quite a few helpful suggestions from others, and I also wanted to share my own personal experience with you.

I too, was feeling very frustrated about not seeming to really be able to get through to my husband and get him to help out around the house more. I read a book that really helped me to understand him better -- _7 Things He'll Never Tell You... But You Need to Know_ by Dr. Kevin Leman. 

It's been a few years since I read the book, but something that the author mentions is to make the initial request and then leave it alone (no reminders!). If your husband chooses not to follow through and help out, then take matters into your own hands... hire a handyman, a maid (as one of the previous posters suggested), etc. This has been a very effective method in my marriage as I constantly used to remind and nag my husband about things I had asked him to do... he has even told me how much he appreciates me leaving him alone after asking once. And yes, he is helping out so much more. 

Since you mentioned your husband is dealing with depression, that is something to take into consideration with all of this, of course. Has he ever gone to counseling, or is he just taking medication?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Jamison said:


> Even if she was just a SAHM, and didn't work but he did, he still needs to help out, period. Peoples lives don't just stop because they work and the minute they walk through the door they expect to not do anything to help out some. If he doesn't want some responsibility as far as helping out at home, then he needs to get a divorce, and go live his life by himself and do nothing but earn a paycheck.


It all depends. My husband used to work 15 hour days (12 hours work plus commute). Thankfully that didn't last long. While it did last, I did most of the work. He still helped with the kids though. That's a no-brainer.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

that_girl said:


> It all depends. My husband used to work 15 hour days (12 hours work plus commute). Thankfully that didn't last long. While it did last, I did most of the work. He still helped with the kids though. That's a no-brainer.


Yes, you're correct it does depend, however, I was meaning more about some of these people who think they don't have to nothing else at all. I'm not meaning they should come home from a a long hard days work and get right to cleaning, I'm meaning those who choose not to help out period, at any time.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

CrazyGuy said:


> If I finally get out of this marriage, I will make sure my next partner is not acts of service. I can not comprehend how scrubbing toilets make me look sexy. Just be happy I have good aim. I resent that to my wife scrubbing toilets is more important them me. My wife fails to understand this about me.
> 
> Just putting this out there. The guy may have checked out.



I didn't get it either. My husband is an "Acts of service" guy. I am physical touch (opposite of you and your wife!) We were 'loving' each other the way we wanted to be loved and it just wasn't working. I didn't UNDERSTAND that when he worked on my car, that was him saying, "HEY! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!" and he didn't get that when I wanted to hold his hand, I was telling him i love him (too much touch used to annoy him).

Once we started loving each other the way we need to be loved, things changed. I do his laundry and fold it and iron his shirts and I swear, you'd think I just gave him 1,000 bucks lololol. I make sure dinner is on the table when he gets home and the look on his face, well, I just love that smile! He is waaayyyy more affectionate with me and I love it. We learned and implemented things. ...even though I couldn't understand how doing mundane things for him would help-- but they did.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Also I understand too hiring help, like a maid or handyman, BUT IMO that will only work if the spouse who isn't doing their part, get a jolt of reality when he sees another person doing the job(s) he should be doing himself and then steps up to the plate to do those things himself. Sometimes hiring others will get things done, but sometimes it teaches the other spouse nothing, but to continue to do nothing because they figure once again someone else is doing it for them, so they are off the hook.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Yeah, regarding that book "The Five Love Languages" ...I started reading it and it seemed kind of hokey to me. I mean, some of it made sense but as I was reading it I kept thinking to myself that not too many guys out there would buy what the book is trying to sell, if you know what I mean. So it doesn't surprise me that some guys are on here laughing about which love language you speak. 

I really don't know what kind of advice to offer. Just wanted to comment on that book...I've had the same problem with my husband doing things around the house and I also work full time plus overtime sometimes and I haven't had much luck either with getting him to pitch in. Good luck. I'll be keeping an eye out for some sort of solution myself.


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## MiriRose (Mar 12, 2012)

Jamison said:


> Also I understand too hiring help, like a maid or handyman, BUT IMO that will only work if the spouse who isn't doing their part, get a jolt of reality when he sees another person doing the job(s) he should be doing himself and then steps up to the plate to do those things himself. Sometimes hiring others will get things done, but sometimes it teaches the other spouse nothing, but to continue to do nothing because they figure once again someone else is doing it for them, so they are off the hook.


I agree... it could go both ways. It is still worth a try though. Also, the financial aspect of hiring someone most likely isn't going to be appealing.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If you can afford it, hire a maid. Honestly. Just take the stress off of things for a while.

I can't wait until we're done paying for preschool/daycare in a year. I'm hiring a gardener for 2 times a month AND someone to come in once a month to wash my floors. Wtf. I'm a professional, H is a professional, we work hard, I'm tired of spending our free time washing floors  But that's just me.


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## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

that_girl said:


> If you can afford it, hire a maid. Honestly. Just take the stress off of things for a while.
> 
> I can't wait until we're done paying for preschool/daycare in a year. I'm hiring a gardener for 2 times a month AND someone to come in once a month to wash my floors. Wtf. I'm a professional, H is a professional, we work hard, I'm tired of spending our free time washing floors  But that's just me.


Yeah that is something that frosts me. The only free time we get together and she want to clean. Arg.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My mom always said if you can afford it, do it. I don't want someone to clean my house...just wash my floors. 

I want someone to mow the grass and clean up all the dead fruit that falls in our orchard. We can still tend the garden and flowers.

It would just take the pressure off having to "get shet done". We do find time to spend together and as a family, but our floors are dirty and our grass is tall  hahaha...although, I have the week off, so I'll be getting shet done 

And I think it would be a good thing for the OP. Stop nagging and talking--- just DO. If anything, it will free her up to really focus on the problem in her marriage.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

I have my son's g/f come clean the floors once every two weeks and the kitchen once a week really well. I pay her about $40 for the kitchen and about $60 when the floors are cleaned cuz I also have her clean the bathroom and kitchen when she does the floors. Then I pay a little extra for oddball stuff I throw in. It's hard for a lot of these young people her age to find even part time jobs so she appreciates the money. Plus I give her all our pop returnables and she keeps the cash from that. Maybe you know some kids or teenagers that need a little extra $?


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

I didn't feel like raking the leaves so I paid my youngest son's friend $20 to do the front and back yard. Child labor.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

I mean...these are some things to make stuff easier on you. Yeah...he should be doing more...but let him pay for someone else to do it then.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

that_girl said:


> Stop doing his crap. Just state that you aren't a maid so, you'll take care of your stuff but he's on his own for clean clothes, food, etc, etc.
> 
> Maybe he'll get it. Or maybe you have to be drastic and actually give a real consequence...whichever you think that should be.


 You say you ASK him.

Why do you ASK him? Are you not his equal? Then you should be TELLING him what needs to go on in YOUR house. Not in a mean way, an equal way. He doesn't help because he has no reason to - he knows you will do it.

My IC told me to tell my husband I needed help, I did all but mowing. I told him I needed him to take ONE chore off my hands, just so I'd be less stressed out. He refused; said he never knew when he'd be home. Yeah, right.

So I stewed for a while, and then I just decided to stop doing his laundry. No skin off MY nose if his laundry didn't get done. One less chore - problem solved.

About 2 weeks later, he ran out of clean clothes and tried to chew me out for not doing my 'duty.' I just shrugged and said 'you SAID you couldn't be bothered to help me, so I had to pick SOMEthing to stop doing; seemed like your laundry was the logical choice. If you're not going to help with anything else, you'll just have to figure out how to do your own laundry.'

He started fixing things around the house that day. After a couple of days (to make sure he didn't stop), I started doing his laundry again.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I'm passive/aggressive, so you'll have to take my suggestions with a grain of salt.

1. I'd move to a spare bedroom (if you have one.)
2. I'd quit doing EVERYTHING for him. EVERYTHING. No groceries, no cooking, no laundry, no internet bill paid, no cleaning anything other than YOUR bedroom and YOUR bathroom. Wash YOUR dishes and YOUR clothes. Cook YOUR meals. Pay the minimum bills necessary to stay housed and w/electric.
3. Ignore him (he's ignoring YOU daily). Take up reading in your room, or running (anything solitary).
4. If he hasn't changed his behavior or approached you about remedying the situation in 90 days, then you might as well move out and file for divorce because you don't have a marriage anyway at that point.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Don't move to another room....but the other stuff sounds good.


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## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

Well OP didn't state she was working in her OP. That makes a lot of difference. Yeah he should do a few chores, but all these posts about stopping cooking and housework is Wayyyyy overboard imo. And to the poster who said even if she was a SAHM, that the husband should still come home and do housework. I don't understand your reasoning behind that. A man who gets up at 3AM to be at work by 6 bc of a longass commute, pulls 12 hours and then drives home 3 hours everyday to support his family should have to do absolutely NOTHING when he gets home. If the wife isn't working, then there is no excuse for her to complain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Right. Cos most men get up at 3 and work 12-hour shifts. Even if it flies against most federal laws.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lalsr1988 said:


> I'm so glad my wife isn't like a lot of the women here..stopping meals..ect...wow.. I wouldn't put up with it
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So even if you and your wife worked the same number of hours at a job as you, you would expect her to cook all meals? 
You think it's ok for a man (whose wife works outside the home as much as he does) to come home, sit on the computer & TV and expect is wife to cook all meals, do all house work, all laundry, etc?

Is that what you are saying?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

How would you even be able to afford a six hour commute (three hours each way) each day? Wouldn't that be like - 300 miles a day (assuming an average speed of 50 MPH)? Assuming the car is of average MPG (which is roughly 20) - wouldn't that be some $50 a day (assuming gas stays at $3.35). 

You would be paying $12,00 a year (assuming a 5 day work week) just driving to work. What kind of job do you do, and what do you get paid that makes that worth it? And, if you can afford to pay that much money each year, just in gas to drive to this job, you could probably afford housekeepers, so - this conversation is likely irrelevant. 

Sorry, that seems like a red herring example just randomly thrown out there to make all working males seem like suffering proletariat thus making any requests for help by their spouses seem petty and inappropriate.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lalsr1988 said:


> Well OP didn't state she was working in her OP. That makes a lot of difference. Yeah he should do a few chores, but all these posts about stopping cooking and housework is Wayyyyy overboard imo. And to the poster who said even if she was a SAHM, that the husband should still come home and do housework. I don't understand your reasoning behind that. A man who gets up at 3AM to be at work by 6 bc of a longass commute, pulls 12 hours and then drives home 3 hours everyday to support his family should have to do absolutely NOTHING when he gets home. If the wife isn't working, then there is no excuse for her to complain.


He should 'do a few chores'? IF she works as much as he does outside the home..why should he do only 'a few chores'? The chores are as much his responsibility as hers.

He's not helping her when he does a chore. He's doing his own chores in his own home.


Why do you think she has more responsibility for chores than he does?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, let's calm down. IF - IF - she's a SAHM, she should have the housework done when he gets home. That's her job. 

BUT - he should also then ensure that she has equal time to get out of the house - without kids - as he does. If he gets to take a lunch with coworkers, she gets to have a lunch with her friends, to get to keep feeling like an adult. If he's unwilling to allow her 'time out,' then they have a problem.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sabrina,

There has been some good advice here. 

As you are aware, the household chores are not your responsibility alone. They are just as much his.

If he refuses to take responsibility (note I do to say ‘help’) for half the chores then I agree with others, stop doing anything for him.

Stop doing his laundry. Just put hampers in the closet and dump any clothing he throws on the floor in them.

Until he agrees to cook half the meals or take an equal about of the chores do not cook for him.

Do no shopping for him.

Are there bills for things that only he uses.. like games? Don't pay them. Let them end.

If he throws things like fast food bags around just put them on his chair, on his computer. When he complains tell him to pick up his own trash. You are not his maid.

The loss of his job and depression might have been the start of this. But he’s taking it way to far. As an adult he has responsibilities. The fact that he’s on the computer and TV a lot is a sign that he’s using them as an escape mechanism. He’s pulled out of the real world into a virtual world. 

He is not going to change until he stands to lose everything he values. Right now he feels safe enough with you to mistreat you. After all you are not going anywhere any time soon. And you will just do all the chores so why should he?

I’ve dealt with this nonsense myself. Sometimes a person gets to the point that they just don’t care if they lose their spouse and their marriage. It’s not all that important to them anymore. He might be at that point right now. Or he might just be on the path to that. You will not know until you make a stand.
The stand you need to make is that he does no more than x hours a day on the computer, he spends at least 15 hours a week doing date-like activities with just you, and he takes responsibility for 50% of the household chores… oh and he works on rebuilding the passion in your marriage.

You are the one who is hurting so you are the one who is going to have to do this.


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## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> How would you even be able to afford a six hour commute (three hours each way) each day? Wouldn't that be like - 300 miles a day (assuming an average speed of 50 MPH)? Assuming the car is of average MPG (which is roughly 20) - wouldn't that be some $50 a day (assuming gas stays at $3.35).
> 
> You would be paying $12,00 a year (assuming a 5 day work week) just driving to work. What kind of job do you do, and what do you get paid that makes that worth it? And, if you can afford to pay that much money each year, just in gas to drive to this job, you could probably afford housekeepers, so - this conversation is likely irrelevant.
> 
> Sorry, that seems like a red herring example just randomly thrown out there to make all working males seem like suffering proletariat thus making any requests for help by their spouses seem petty and inappropriate.



I live in New York City. I take 2 bus's and a train every day back and forth to work. EACH way. And when you are taking Mass Transit say from the Bronx to JFK Airport (where I work), it's a good 2.5-3 hour ride. That's how. tyvm


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## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> So even if you and your wife worked the same number of hours at a job as you, you would expect her to cook all meals?
> You think it's ok for a man (whose wife works outside the home as much as he does) to come home, sit on the computer & TV and expect is wife to cook all meals, do all house work, all laundry, etc?
> 
> Is that what you are saying?



Well she doesn't work. so Yes I expect her to cook and clean. And she does it willingly. I would not let my wife work. In my culture, 95% of married women stay home and raise the children and housekeep and the men work.


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## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

turnera said:


> Right. Cos most men get up at 3 and work 12-hour shifts. Even if it flies against most federal laws.


How so? In the Security Industry here in NYC, you are mandated by law to stay for 4 hours past your quitting time if needed..and I am always needed.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Your culture is not everyone's culture. If I didn't work, we'd be living in a box somewhere. We live modestly as it is, but it's expensive here.

Plus, I love my career. Thankfully I'm home by 3.

That's not the point. The point is, my husband does have 12 hours shifts and still helps out around the house. I do more because i'm home more...but it balances out.

The OP WORKS. And still does everything. That's not cool.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> So even if you and your wife worked the same number of hours at a job as you, you would expect her to cook all meals?
> 
> You think it's ok for a man (whose wife works outside the home as much as he does) to come home, sit on the computer & TV and expect is wife to cook all meals, do all house work, all laundry, etc?
> 
> Is that what you are saying?





lalsr1988 said:


> Well she doesn't work. so Yes I expect her to cook and clean. And she does it willingly. I would not let my wife work. In my culture, 95% of married women stay home and raise the children and housekeep and the men work.


You completely ignored my questions. This thread is not about a woman who stays at home. It’s about a woman whose works outside the home and whose husband refuses to do his fair share of chores around the house. What happens in your culture has no bearing on the OP’s situation.

Since you ignored my question I assume that you think that even though she works full time outside the home she still has to do ALL the home chores.


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## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You completely ignored my questions. This thread is not about a woman who stays at home. It’s about a woman whose works outside the home and whose husband refuses to do his fair share of chores around the house. What happens in your culture has no bearing on the OP’s situation.
> 
> Since you ignored my question I assume that you think that even though she works full time outside the home she still has to do ALL the home chores.


and?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lalsr1988 said:


> and?


So you do think that even though the OP works as many hours outside the home as her husband that she is 100% responsiblity for all chores around the house.

Sad, very sad


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## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> So you do think that even though the OP works as many hours outside the home as her husband that she is 100% responsiblity for all chores around the house.
> 
> Sad, very sad


your words not mine.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lalsr1988 said:


> your words not mine.


Why are you playing games?


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## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Why are you playing games?


I'm not. You are saying I think all these things when you have no idea what I think. I never said the OP should do 100% of chores. But I do believe housework is more of a womans thing, and outside work more of a mans thing. But those are my beliefs and I realize they aren't held by everyone. Call me a misogynist or a chauvinist...doesn't matter..I'm done with this topic.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lalsr1988 said:


> I'm not. You are saying I think all these things when you have no idea what I think. I never said the OP should do 100% of chores. But I do believe housework is more of a womans thing, and outside work more of a mans thing. But those are my beliefs and I realize they aren't held by everyone. Call me a misogynist or a chauvinist...doesn't matter..I'm done with this topic.


I have directly asked you what you think. I wrote down what I understood your thinking was and asked that you clarify. Instead of clarifying you gave non-answers.

What you stated above is ok for the norms in whatever culture you live.

But you have still not given any response for how you think things should be worked out in a marriage where both people work. So we still don't know anyting except that you thing that housework is a woman's job. So you leave us to assume based on your comments.....


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## Dubya (Oct 2, 2012)

He's just butthurt because he got owned, Ele.


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## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

Owned? lol. Hardly, just tired of the convo. my original problem with this thread was the whole "my love language is acts of service " nonsense. To me that says that you won't believe your spouse loves you bc he won't clean the house. utter nonsense. Then I was astounded at all the women saying to stop cooking, ect. till the guy helps out. Well like one other male poster replied, how would the women feel if we just decided to stop bringing home a paycheck just because we don't like the things you are or are not doing. I also agree with the idea that there seems to be a general bias against a lot of men on this forum. If a man comes here complaining about a women, the advice he gets is to do more housework, to please her more, to whine like a puppy basically. Whereas a woman comes complaining about a man, the general advice given to her is to treat him like crap until he shapes up. 


That being said, if a husband and wife work equal hours, then yes they should be doing equal amounts of chores. But if the wife is not working, then no, she shouldn't expect her husband to come home from work and do more chores.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Do my laundry, I'll love you forever. True story.

But housework is a necessity. NOT a woman's job 

If my husband told me "Housework is a woman's job." I'd stop doing it. I love to take care of my house because I love doing that for my family. However, if it's just a thing I have to do because I have a vagina, I'm out.

I'd NEVER tell my husband that working in the yard is MAN'S work. Or bringing in the bacon is MAN'S work so I don't need to do it and it's just expected. We do what we can together to provide for this family.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

Acts of service as one of the languages of love is not that silly. For example, you can show how you care for your partner by helping him/her out so that he/she can be less tired sometimes. Or even help out when he/she's sick. Or even cook him/her stuffs and take care of him/her while he/she's sick on bed. This shows that you notice and help your partner out when he/she needs some help, and shows that you can do something to pamper him/her sometimes.

Some days ago, I was having some pain and needed a medicine that I couldn't find in any pharmacy, yet my husband just remembered the name of that med and went to fetch it for me even if I didn't ask him to. It was a simple thing, a simple act of service, but showed that he remembered and cared for my well being. 

By the way, acts of service is not even my top 3 love languages, but I can understand a bit of that, and it's not silly at all.


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## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

lilith23 said:


> Acts of service as one of the languages of love is not that silly. For example, you can show how you care for your partner by helping him/her out so that he/she can be less tired sometimes. Or even help out when he/she's sick. Or even cook him/her stuffs and take care of him/her while he/she's sick on bed. This shows that you notice and help your partner out when he/she needs some help, and shows that you can do something to pamper him/her sometimes.
> 
> Some days ago, I was having some pain and needed a medicine that I couldn't find in any pharmacy, yet my husband just remembered the name of that med and went to fetch it for me even if I didn't ask him to. It was a simple thing, a simple act of service, but showed that he remembered and cared for my well being.
> 
> By the way, acts of service is not even my top 3 love languages, but I can understand a bit of that, and it's not silly at all.



That seems more like the act of a loving husband, rather than "an act of service"


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I definitely think starving your children, or making it so the wife can't buy diapers, as there is no money is the way to win an argument about who should mow the lawn. 

Also - I love how posters (seemingly male) are quick to point that obviously "Physical Touch" is a real love language, because you know, men NEED sex. But you know, your wife seeing love as you helping out around the house, or - bringing her flowers, that's crap - and is obviously an excuse to sucker you into doing chores or buying gifts. 

So if I said - I don't think sex is a real need, would that be alright? 

Of course not - so, discounting a woman's emotional needs, because your culture apparently invalidates them, isn't correct either. Doing chores isn't just about adding to the man's burden, its a physical expression of love, in which you show your wife that you care about her as more than a cook, a personal assistant, and a sex worker - but that you care about assisting her with her burdens, and walking hand in hand in life. It reaffirms to her that if she gets ill, or gets old and can't do all the things she used to, you'll still care for her. 

But - apparently that's not a real feeling, so...


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## Spiceweasel (Nov 21, 2012)

Stop doing all the chores. Let him live in a stinking, crap filled house for a week. He'll take responsibility then (unless he's a total pig in which case get a new man).


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

lalsr1988 said:


> That seems more like the act of a loving husband, rather than "an act of service"


I guess that you can call it act of loving your partner or acts of service, since it's similar meaning.

Some people give physical affection like kissing, hugging, caressing as displays of love, some people are expressive through words when it comes to show their love, some people do stuffs to pamper their partners or help them out as a way to show that they care (being at their service)... There are just many ways, maybe we might not always get it, but it doesn't mean it's not expressions of love.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My rule of thum is that both spouses should put in about the same number of hours a day...

Let's say husband works all day at a job... 10 hours, 5 days a week between work and commute.

The wife is a SAHM. She spends those 10 hours taking care of children, cleaning house, running errands.

So by 6 pm they have both put in a 10 hour day. On weekends they are both at home. There is still dinner to cook, dishes/kitchen to clean up after dinner, yard work, and taking care of the children. There could be more laundry that needs to be done, etc.

Evenings and weekend it’s both of their responsibilities to take care of whatever is left over and the children.

To think that a man can work a job then come home evening and weekends and do nothing at home. And all the while his wife is working in the house cooking, cleaning, shopping and take care of children? That’s nonsense.

And in the case of the OP, he’s being abusive. He’s ignoring her. He is forcing her to do hours up hours of extra work at home in order to have a home they can live in. Basically he’s treating her like a maid.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Spiceweasel said:


> Stop doing all the chores. Let him live in a stinking, crap filled house for a week. He'll take responsibility then (unless he's a total pig in which case get a new man).


I did this ... not for a week, but for 6 months. In the end I had to hire someone to help me clean it up. Some people just do not care what kind of a pig pen they live in.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

lalsr1988 said:


> I very much dislike the phrase "Acts of service is my love language." If my wife said that I would literally laugh. I'm gone 14 hours a day between work and commute. She doesn't work. Therefore,she keeps the house clean. end of story
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 I will say this.. My husband doesn't do squat.. He works and I stay at home. 

I don't get a day off, even if i am sick.. I still do everything. Just because someone stays at home taking care of the kids, doesn't mean they shouldn't get a day off or help. Stay at home moms have it way harder then people who work. I would love to have a 9-5 job come home and have a day off. The last time I had a day off was 2 years ago, when I was in the hospital getting my gallbladder removed.

Even if I were to get a job, I would still have to do anything. 

Stay at home moms work too, just because they do not leave the house to go to work everyday, doesn't mean they are sitting on their asses, watching soap operas and eating bon- bons all day.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> My rule of thum is that both spouses should put in about the same number of hours a day...
> 
> Let's say husband works all day at a job... 10 hours, 5 days a week between work and commute.
> 
> ...



This is exactly how it is at my house. My husband doesn't do anything, even after I have told him I need help. Shoot the day I got out of the hospital after having my son, I was at home cleaning the house. I had a c-section, 3 days before.

I did used to be a neat freak. Not anymore!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ladybird, he only does that because you let him.

You have taught him how to treat you.


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## PanchoVilla (Jun 2, 2012)

Give him a big BJ and some sex and you will watch him moving mountains for you...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PanchoVilla said:


> Give him a big BJ and some sex and you will watch him moving mountains for you...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why do you assume that she is not already giving him all that?

If that were the magic that made guys do things I would not be divorced right now.

We used to have sex just about every day, with bj's, I worked full time and did everything around the house and took care of the kids. And two of the three kids are his from a previous marriage who lived with us full time.

When he was working full time he would not lift a finger in house or the yard. After he lost his job nothing changed... he still did nothing.... well nothing except pay computer games & surf the web.

Some men are just selfish and don't care. They would not move a mountain for their woman no matter what she does for them.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

turnera said:


> ladybird, he only does that because you let him.
> 
> You have taught him how to treat you.


You know I basically agree with you. But that's how my husband was. There was nothing I could do to get him to do his share of house work and taking care of the kids... NOTHING.

The choices I had were to accept his refusal to help or divorce him. I chose to divorce him... after the left.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

Honestly I can't understand why some people insist on duty sex or using sex to get something from the man... I've thought that sex should happen when both sides enjoys and wants to do it, and not just some kind of service. And I find it weird how some men would find it ok. Would you pefer your woman to do it with you for the sake of she desiring it too, or just for the sake of getting you to do stuffs for her? What's the point of it if it's not pleasurable for both?
I'm not a man, but I find it turn off if my husband is just doing it coz he wanted to please me only but is actually not really into sex himself, or even worse, just to get me do something for him in return. I definitely prefer him to have sex with me for the sake of him desiring me.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

lilith23 said:


> Honestly I can't understand why some people insist on duty sex or using sex to get something from the man... I've thought that sex should happen when both sides enjoys and wants to do it, and not just some kind of service. And I find it weird how some men would find it ok. Would you pefer your woman to do it with you for the sake of she desiring it too, or just for the sake of getting you to do stuffs for her? What's the point of it if it's not pleasurable for both?
> I'm not a man, but I find it turn off if my husband is just doing it coz he wanted to please me only but is actually not really into sex himself, or even worse, just to get me do something for him in return. I definitely prefer him to have sex with me for the sake of him desiring me.


Some guys just want you to "lay there and wait til it's over". I actually heard a guy at work saying that...that's why I have it in quotes.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DayDream said:


> Some guys just want you to "lay there and wait til it's over". I actually heard a guy at work saying that...that's why I have it in quotes.


I had (past tense) a BIL who was like that. He refused to anything for his wife (my sister). If she started to enjoy it or try to get involved he'd snap at her. His belief was that this whole orgasm for women nonsense was something invented by the woman's movement and was nonsense.

And he insisted on sex at least once a day. After 15 years of this she just about fell apart emotionally and ended up divorcing him. 

He was crewl in other ways as well.

He of course told everyone that she was a 'walk-away-wife'. :banghead:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ele, it's interesting that both you and your sister picked the same man. Something in y'all's FOO, perhaps? Did you guys figure it out and fix your picker?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

turnera said:


> Ele, it's interesting that both you and your sister picked the same man. Something in y'all's FOO, perhaps? Did you guys figure it out and fix your picker?


Hm, I don't think that my sister and I picked the same kind of guy... except both are not really kind men.

There are similariies and differences between the men. 

My FOO? Yea there were issues. My dad apparently cheated on my mom a lot, though I did not know this until I was older. My mother was a nut case to put it bluntly. According to my two older sisters my dad also sexually mostlested them. One of them for years. So yea my picker seems to be broken.

She did fix her picker. She's been remarried for several years no to a real keeper. They are retired and life a great life in ski country and travel a lot.

I'm still working on get untangled from my husband. We are divorced but he's still in my house. He won't get a job. But he has been going to school. I just want him gone.

So I have not had much of a chance to work on my picker and am not even sure I'm interested in anymore relationships. I suck at picking men.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Live it everyday. Problem is, some people just don't change. The other thing that makes this difficult is when two people have different expectations of day to day living. I have come to realize how important it is that both people in the marriage expect and want the same things within the home. When that is the case, they are much more willing to do their part to get that done.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

PanchoVilla said:


> Give him a big BJ and some sex and you will watch him moving mountains for you...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 You know, I would but he isn't all the interested in sex. I am high drive and my husband is low drive.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

turnera said:


> ladybird, he only does that because you let him.
> 
> You have taught him how to treat you.


 He used to help, he just stopped over the last couple of years. I guess sitting in front of the tv for hours is more important.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Again, WHO CARES what he wants to do? 

You LET him get away with doing nothing.

Do you know what I do when H is sitting on the couch and I'm doing housework? I dump a load of towels or socks on his lap from the dryer and tell him to fold them.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

turnera said:


> Again, WHO CARES what he wants to do?
> 
> You LET him get away with doing nothing.
> 
> Do you know what I do when H is sitting on the couch and I'm doing housework? I dump a load of towels or socks on his lap from the dryer and tell him to fold them.


And how does your husband respond to that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He folds them, because he knows that HE is doing NOTHING while I am WORKING. We both work full time so fair is fair.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

turnera said:


> He folds them, because he knows that HE is doing NOTHING while I am WORKING. We both work full time so fair is fair.


I am glad he does that for you then. Not all spouses would react in the same way. So that methodology would not work for everyone.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

brad, we all know you are in a very dysfunctional marriage. And your bitterness shines for all to see. 

Most marriages DO include two people who share in the work. If you're a man, and your wife refuses to do housework, chances are good your problems are more with you than her. Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy yet?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

turnera said:


> brad, we all know you are in a very dysfunctional marriage. And your bitterness shines for all to see.
> 
> Most marriages DO include two people who share in the work. If you're a man, and your wife refuses to do housework, chances are good your problems are more with you than her. Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy yet?


Yes, we have discussed the dysfunctional aspect of my marriage. And I do understand that most marriages include people who share atleast some of the work. 
But when someone is just sitting around while you are working, if you just dump a pile of laundry at them, not everyone reacts by beginning to work. Maybe a lot of men would because they know they would be in trouble if they didn't. Do that to the woman, shes going to get pissed at you for doing it. I just don't see it as a viable way to get the wife to work. That is all I am saying. 
No I have not read that before. Yes, I probably am too nice, because I want to avoid conflict because that is just one more thing to have to deal with.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I didn't just DUMP a load of laundry on his lap. I had multiple conversations with him about sharing responsibilities. He agreed he should. Well, that came after a conversation where I told him that my IC told me that I needed him to take a chore off my shoulders so I could have SOME relief - and he refused - and I then stopped doing his laundry. I figured I had to get rid of SOME chore, might as well be something that affected him and not me. After a couple weeks, he blew up and demanded to know why I wasn't doing his laundry. I just shrugged and said 'you SAID you couldn't help with anything. I NEEDED you to help with something. So I figured it didn't matter to me if your laundry got done. So I resolved my problem.' He started doing things around the house that same day (after denying that he refused earlier). And I did a load of his laundry.

Nowadays, he KNOWS that I do 90% of the work and that, when I give him a load of towels to fold, he has no right to refuse. So he does it.

And yes, you DO need to read NMMNG.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

gbrad said:


> Yes, I probably am too nice, because I want to avoid conflict because that is just one more thing to have to deal with.


 Have you read some of the betrayed husbands threads, where they DID read NMMNG? To a man, you'll see everyone saying 'holy cow, I can't believe how much this is changing my life.'


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