# I feel like I am going crazy



## CodeT (8 mo ago)

Day 3 of separation, and I am all over the place.

This is a long story so I'll just give the high points.

Background is I (43M) married to 42F for 17 years, together 22. 3 kids ages 13/10/3.

We've had intimacy issues for over 10 years. Sex every 6-8 weeks, always at her initiation, usually quick and perfunctory. Always felt like she was going thru the motions. I tried to talk about how this hurt me and made me feel rejected and she told me that she was totally satisfied and couldn't possibly handle more.

I am military, and during my current assignment she got a job at a local church. She made friends with another woman (I'll call her K) there and they became really close really fast. Acted like high school kids, lots of texting at all hours, long phone convos, etc. K seemed overwhelmingly kind anf helpful. Willing to do anything we needed at the drop of a hat. Her husband too. Thought little of it at the time, they seemed like nice people.

Fast forward a couple.months, K reveals to wife that she is bisexual, that she and her husband have an open marriage where she can mess around with women and it's ok with him. She likes to do this when he is away, he is also military. K revealed that her husband had also had threesomes with the women and K. Only know about 2 instances for sure, 14 years ago and 4 years ago. Both times with other married women who are now divorced. At the time I think it is weird, but wife assures me K is not attracted to her that way and just good friends. It seems like an invitation to me, but my wife tries to put me at ease. I think, none of my business, they seem like nice people so whatever.

Over the next 2 months, wife starts asking me if I would be interested in a threesome. This comes up every few days or so, her just casually asking. I am uncomfortable and tell her I am not interested. I'm getting real suspicious about K now and wondering what is going on. Wife says she's just interested in the idea on an abstract level and nothing serious. I finally ask her if she is trying to talk me into something and she drops it.

A few weeks later we are out to dinner and wife asks me about it again, I say no. She then confesses to.me that she is also bisexual, has been confused and struggling with it for about 20 years. Over the last few years she has been watching a lot of lesbian porn, sometimes when I am asleep, other times when I am at work. 

I am pretty hurt by this, as you can imagine, especially after dead bedroom for years, now all of a sudden she's got all these desires and wants to do threesomes? I also think there must be something with K as well.

I start to ask se queations and she tells me she wants to go home and have sex right away. I still want to talk about it but she asks are tou going to talk yourself out.of getting some tonight? And I drop it, guess I'm just that hard up.

We have a big fight about it the next day. I realized I was not ok with any of this and totally.lost my temper. Lots of shouting, crying. She debues anything with K and denies ever wanting to act.on her bisexuality. 

I don't know anything for sure, but geel like something is very wrong. I ask to see text messages on her phone from K. She has deleted them all.

She still denies everything, and is acting hurt because I don't trust her. I tell her I want K out of my life and kids lives but I know.I can't tell her to stop seeing her because I am the bad guy then. I tell her I am really uncomfortable with their relationship and I want her to do what she thinks is right.

We go to counseling, it's a roller coaster the next few months. Things seem great, we are talking, sex is better than it's ever been, and I feel good about.my marriage for the first time in years. Then we'll argue about something and all this stuff gets brought back up. Nothing has ever been resolves to my satisfaction, and it is causing a lot of fights.

She never admits to anything and tells.me I'm the one with trust issues and just don't understand her.

Finally, we have one fight too many. I'll admit my anger is an issue at this point but I feel like it's understandable if not justified. Now she is saying she doesn't feel safe with me.

She tells me she doesn't want to make my next move with me. I am on orders to move in 60 days.

I feel relieved, like I don't have to keep trying to save this thing anymore. Tell her ok, and we'll talk about it. She leaves the house to get some space.

Movers just happen to be coming that day to inventory the house for the upcoming move. I call her and tell her about it and ask her if there is anything she for sure wants to keep here while I move out. Understand it's early to start splitting stuff up, but they are literally coming to take everything in the house and move it across rhe country. Can't reschedule the inventory. Tell her we'll sort out the details later but what does she know right now for sure. I'm trying to be cool about it, but we (and she) have a lot to figure out. We live on base so neither of us can really stay in the house.

She flips like I'm kicking her out right this second. I tell her no but she did ask for separation and it's coming soon and we have some things to figure out. She hangs up on me. 

An hour later, the police are knocking at my door, and I am put.in the police car while she and the kids take some of their things out of the house. So that's how.rhey found out Mom and Dad are splitting up. She says my anger is too much for her to take and she doesn't feel safe anymore. 

Feeling a lot of emotions right now, but questioning.myself a lot. I feel like there is a lot of suspicious and hurtful behavior on her.part, but she just keeps blaming me as though I am seeing imagining things and am out of control. 

We are def divorcing after that stunt with the cops but I keep wondering if it really is ally fault. Am I crazy? Please telle I am not crazy...


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

CodeT said:


> She then confesses to.me that she is also bisexual, has been confused and struggling with it for about 20 years.





CodeT said:


> I keep wondering if it really is ally fault. Am I crazy? Please telle I am not crazy...


If you think this has anything to do with you, you may not be crazy, but you are delusional.

The fact is, has been for 20 years, that there is no possible way for you to have a successful marriage to her.



CodeT said:


> I tell her I want K out of my life and kids lives


Yep. Your kids do not need that influence upon them. Get them away from this evil. Yes, that's right, I called it EVIL. It is a word we hide in in "wokeness". But, the TRUTH is, it is just plain evil.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Crazy is. 

Often, those who accuse, not those who do.

I do not think she has outwardly changed, I believe she has inwardly turned her insides....out.

Thank you for serving.

Serve this odd actor, divorce papers.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

The crazy thing is you didn't mention anything about having a lawyer at this point. It's crystal clear she is this other couples new toy and she was trying to get you to join. Since you understandably are not comfortable with it, she has turned on you.

Get a lawyer ASAP! She is setting you up for divorce court and playing you like a flute. The whole calling the cops on you during move day was absolutely planned so she can cherry pick what she wants.


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## CodeT (8 mo ago)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> The crazy thing is you didn't mention anything about having a lawyer at this point. It's crystal clear she is this other couples new toy and she was trying to get you to join. Since you understandably are not comfortable with it, she has turned on you.
> 
> Get a lawyer ASAP! She is setting you up for divorce court and playing you like a flute. The whole calling the cops on you during move day was absolutely planned so she can cherry pick what she wants.


Getting one ASAP. Just crappy that all this happened on a holiday weekend.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

CodeT said:


> Getting one ASAP. Just crappy that all this happened on a holiday weekend.


You two have been married for a very long time. Do you think it's possible that you two just need time apart? Maybe a civil phone call or dinner to really talk and open up to what is really wrong.

It definitely sounds like something has been brewing for years. But the problem is that women often don't really communicate things like marital issues as well as they may believe. They often use hints and make assumptions rather than just directly saying what is wrong. It's not always like this, but very often the case


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

A little psychology lesson:

Women tend to be higher in the personality trait called "Agreeableness". They're more likely to "go along with it", whatever IT may be. I wrote about this in my book (*The Dead Bedroom Fix*) in a section titled "One Uncomfortable Politically-Incorrect Truth: Women Are Way More Pliable Than You Think". 

What seems to correlate with this heightened sense of agreeableness and empathy is their sexual fluidity. The percentage of women who have "experimented" with lesbian sex is far higher than men who have experimented with other men. 

Your woman was basically "groomed" by this couple. Instead of responding with "Uhhh...ew. No thanks" (a very disagreeable response), she opened herself a bit to the idea. And a bit more. And a bit more. 

Not EVERY woman will act this way, of course, but it's far more common than I ever expected. I had one friend whose wife joined a CrossFit gym (a breeding ground for such behavior) and she started acting suspiciously. Turned out his wife was the plaything for a couple there. She completely went off the deep end they divorced. The commonality amongst the women that act this way seems to be severe dysfunction in childhood which leads them to have little to no boundaries and lots of chaos later in life.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your wife has been having sex with another woman and almost positively her husband as well. Don’t beat yourself up about it, don’t overanalyze who’s fault it is, don’t try to figure out why. Just divorce her, get her out of your life as much as possible, and move on.

She has no fear of you at all. She just doesn’t care about you. Probably likes your paycheck abd the things you bring to the relationship…. Just not you.


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## CodeT (8 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Your wife has been having sex with another woman and almost positively her husband.
> 
> She has no fear of you at all. She just doesn’t care about you. Probably likes your paycheck abd the things you bring to the relationship…. Just not you.


Yeah, I've been struggling with facing the facts here. It's hard to admit that to myself. I keep questioning whether I made too much of it, but I know in my heart that something is very very wrong here.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

CodeT said:


> Day 3 of separation, and I am all over the place.
> 
> This is a long story so I'll just give the high points.
> 
> ...


NO. You are NOT crazy at all.

This sounds almost exactly like what one of my sisters did to her husband of 20yrs. Right down to her filing a restraining order on him because she was "scared" - he never touched her or the kids EVER, or threatened to hurt them EVER, but that didn't matter...destroying him to everyone else was part of her plan to get him out of her life blamelessly so she could continue chasing after men, to make herself feel good. 

She also tried to talk him into a "foursome", because a guy she was secretly chasing was married and they had suggested "wife swapping" to her. He refused and she went nuclear so she could do what she wanted and wouldn't be found out.

Get a lawyer NOW, and never trust her again. You should also record EVERY conversation with her so you can defend yourself from any more unfounded, self-serving accusations from her. 

This IS NOT YOU at all.


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## CodeT (8 mo ago)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> You two have been married for a very long time. Do you think it's possible that you two just need time apart? Maybe a civil phone call or dinner to really talk and open up to what is really wrong.
> 
> It definitely sounds like something has been brewing for years. But the problem is that women often don't really communicate things like marital issues as well as they may believe. They often use hints and make assumptions rather than just directly saying what is wrong. It's not always like this, but very often the case


I don't know. Probably not. After calling the cops on me I think I am done. She had no reason to do that except to hur me.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

CodeT said:


> Getting one ASAP. Just crappy that all this happened on a holiday weekend.


That will be a memorial day for you, for sure.

Stressful times cause the weird and the weak to dis-merit the Earth.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your wife met this woman at work, while they both worked for a church? Really? Do you have any tangible proof of this, something like text messages between the two of them? IMHO, you need to talk to the minster or whomever runs that church. They have someone working for them that has been grooming your wife and have caused the end of your marriage.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Your wife has already indulged with the other woman and likely her husband. Assuming of course he is aware that he is in an open marriage. Take nothing your wife says at face value. Assume the worst and plan accordingly.

You have already been advised by others to speak with an attorney. Ensure your wife remains unaware you have taken this step. She has already turned combative and this step will only make it worse.

She has already called the police and attempted to use them against you. This will not be the last time. Advise your lawyer what she has done. If you have elsewhere to stay it is time to leave if your lawyer advises it will not be abandonment of your home.

Do not be alone with her. Carry a voice activated recorder with you whether or not it is legal in your area. He said, she said is a game men typically lose. 

If you can afford it hire a private investigator to get documented evidence of her affair. If you are in a no fault state this will not help you but there are other uses you can put the evidence toward. If at some point you choose to expose her affair the photos will be hard to argue against. Expect she will attempt to smear your reputation.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

CodeT said:


> I don't know. Probably not. After calling the cops on me I think I am done. She had no reason to do that except to hur me.


So you did not grab an arm or push her or anything beyond that, just yelling? I'm having a hard time imagining how she got the police to come out if it didn't get physical. 

But anyway, I wish police would come escort women or men out during this most heated time, but it's rare. If anything is going to go overboard, you must know this is when it happens. 

Sorry this has all come out of left field at you. I wouldn't be okay with it either, not after 20 years together. There are some people who come out really late. Maybe her gradual decline in interest in having sex with you made her question it, and then that friend of hers was handily nearby, don't know. 

Anyway, there's no reason you should be okay with any of it, especially the first you're hearing of it being trying to drag you into a three-way or more and wondering if she's already been involved with them. 

She must have more figured out in her head than she's letting on, although the fact she thought you'd sit by quietly and give her all the time she wanted to leave is telling. I think overall, it's good you're making a clean break. I suggest family counseling for the kids and you and her if you're comfortable in the same room together, just to help the kids, not about her newfound bi-ness. Just to get you all communicating.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

CodeT said:


> I don't know. Probably not. After calling the cops on me I think I am done. She had no reason to do that except to hur me.


DV worked great for her. This happens a lot. You should be doing everything possible to get this off your record. If not it will haunt and cause major problems long term. I hope you wake up to reality. If not it’s just going to be worse on you.
She’s put herself in the drivers seat at your expense. This is who she is. 
You need a good attorney yesterday.


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## CodeT (8 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> DV worked great for her. This happens a lot. You should be doing everything possible to get this off your record. If not it will haunt and cause major problems long term. I hope you wake up to reality. If not it’s just going to be worse on you.
> She’s put herself in the drivers seat at your expense. This is who she is.
> You need a good attorney yesterday.


So, no record on this I think. I was not charged with anything or even arrested. No formal complaint filed, at least not then and no contact from police since. Military police, so different rules. It's a small installation and they don't have much going on.

Definitely getting a lawyer tomorrow ASAP.


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## CodeT (8 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> So you did not grab an arm or push her or anything beyond that, just yelling? I'm having a hard time imagining how she got the police to come out if it didn't get physical.


Nah, never once laid a hand on her in 17 years. No throwing things, putting hiles in walls, nothing. Haven't spanked my kids in probably 5 years at least, and thise were never hard, just a swat when they were really out of line. Felt so guilty every time that I stopped doing it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

CodeT said:


> So, no record on this I think. I was not charged with anything or even arrested. No formal complaint filed, at least not then and no contact from police since. Military police, so different rules. It's a small installation and they don't have much going on.
> 
> Definitely getting a lawyer tomorrow ASAP.


Good. Right now the best things for you is to cut contact and let her go. Just because you have kids doesn’t mean you can’t. Communication can be text or email kids only. Keeping yourself in this won’t get you anything. You can only control you and your time with the kids. 
A lot jump into doing the pick me dance, try nicing them back, etc. All that does is lower your status. It works the opposite of what most think. I know it’s devastating but you don’t have many good option.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

CodeT said:


> Day 3 of separation, and I am all over the place.
> 
> This is a long story so I'll just give the high points.
> 
> ...


Oh man, your situation sounds oh so familiar. First, thank you for your service. Second, love the Nic Cage meme.

I think most of the posters here are giving you sound advice. The no contact except for kids and minimal contact about any items to share should be utilized here. You said you're on day 3 of separation; I am going to prepare you right now, it will get much much much worse for you emotionally in the short term. I don't say this to scare you, I say this so you allow yourself to feel all of those feelings and do not bottle them up, because what will happen on the other side, and maybe even quicker than you realize, is a clarity of the situation you didn't have before, maybe even open your mind to past memories where you saw such signs but turned a blind eye to them (and yes, we all do this, because of one reason or another, be it love, commitment, family, etc.). Everyone here is saying that your wife definitely is having 3-somes with K and husband. I would not assume that without tangible evidence, BUT, for your purposes, it's prudent to assume they are only to help you get over any pain you feel thinking about it....because even with the cops being called, you will waver at some point, especially when you start thinking about how banging the s*x was up until the turmoil escalated. Chances are she was grooming you to be calm when she dropped the hammer, or trying to soften you up to the idea of sharing. Anyway, I digress. Your best bet is to lawyer up, go minimal contact (kids, finances, etc.), and don't let her know you lawyer'd up until the paper work is being delivered. Know exactly what you want out of this and stick to it. And do things for you. Don't rush to get revenge with another woman, don't spend crazy money, focus on improving your empire and move forward. When the pain surfaces, use it productively, don't bury it. Remind yourself this was always out of your control. Best of luck.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

CodeT said:


> Yeah, I've been struggling with facing the facts here. It's hard to admit that to myself. I keep questioning whether I made too much of it, but I know in my heart that something is very very wrong here.


Sadly I think your wife was their third threesome partner and soon to be their 3rd divorced threesome partner. Ironic they met at church, isn't it?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

You need to be proactive not reactive. Think of this as WAR. She already started with the first salvos, so from a military point of view start with the counteroffensive. I'm not you, but if I were, the first thing I would do is to counter act the offensive that she already started, that of her separating from you because of her being afraid of you. 

I would notified all family members and close friends with a short to the point email notification where you state that you are divorcing her due to your moral beliefs not concurring with her homosexual needs, and trying to coerce you into threesomes with other women so that she could satisfy her desires into lesbianism. I would, because, she already started her campaign to discredit you and gather people's support for her. 

Women are master at this. It pains me to see how most men are pitiful at trying to respond to accusations, rather than being proactive and get one over the them when the smear campaign starts.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Coming from a background of having two prior relationships where I got dumped for other women and experience in the swinging community I guarantee you 100% that they have at least been rubbing boobies on each other and a very high likelihood of having 3ways with the husband as well. 

95% of this kind of stuff takes place completely under the radar with no external signs or symptoms whatsoever. 

This situation not only has red flags but has flashing lights, bells and whistles, roadside billboards and flyers posted on every street light pole. 

If you don't want to indulge in that lifestyle or have a partner who does, that is one thing. But the fact it has reached a level of conflict involving outbursts and yelling and conflict to the degree of physical separation and police involvement, it's time to stick a fork in it. 

The police involvement is a no-win and should be a deal breaker either way. 

Either you were angry and aggressive enough warranting police intervention which is bad enough. 

Or she did it just to get you and stick it to you. 

Which is better, which is worse??? 

Either things are getting out of hand where the next outburst is going to land you in jail with formal charges, or she is contemptuous, scheming btch that's out to get you so she get with other couples as their 3rd and rub up against both other women and other men. Pick your poison. 

It's obvious she is willing to go to battle to be able to rub up against other people,,,men and women. 

If you aren't interested in engaging in that lifestyle and that is not a hill you are willing to die on, your best bet may be to exit stage left and call it a day.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

CodeT said:


> Day 3 of separation, and I am all over the place.
> 
> This is a long story so I'll just give the high points.
> 
> ...


Get Gotman therapy, it takes 2 to restart for the better. Neither of you want this. Does not have to be there, stop being afraid both ask and give what each other want to each other.
Really think what ephesians means to your relationship for each other good luck


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> Coming from a background of having two prior relationships where I got dumped for other women and experience in the swinging community I guarantee you 100% that they have at least been rubbing boobies on each other and a very high likelihood of having 3ways with the husband as well.
> 
> 95% of this kind of stuff takes place completely under the radar with no external signs or symptoms whatsoever.
> 
> ...


This person gets it. And I bet she hoovers her way back at some point too once he slams the door. That's how these people are.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Annonymous Joe said:


> This person gets it. And I bet she hoovers her way back at some point too once he slams the door. That's how these people are.


Yes, she will still want the financial support and stability of a domestic home life. Her girlfriend and girlfriend's husband most likely will not move her in with them and support her although I have personally known some couples that have. 

They will shower her with praise and attention and roll the red carpet out for her for awhile, but most likely when the shine has wore off, they will go back to their normal home life and leave her to do her own thing. 

That is when she will want to get back with the OP so he can support and provide for her.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> Yes, she will still want the financial support and stability of a domestic home life. Her girlfriend and girlfriend's husband most likely will not move her in with them and support her although I have personally known some couples that have.
> 
> They will shower her with praise and attention and roll the red carpet out for her for awhile, but most likely when the shine has wore off, they will go back to their normal home life and leave her to do her own thing.
> 
> That is when she will want to get back with the OP so he can support and provide for her.


Correct. This is why bro here needs to put his foot down now and file immediately. No games. Force her out. She made her bed, let her lay in it.


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