# Do I have a the right?



## jack2010 (Jul 6, 2010)

My wife told me about a month ago that she had a one night stand while I was deployed in the Navy. She was hanging around single people and divorced women while she was married and was going to bars and clubs with them and drinking. I am back out to sea again and she is getting ready to go back home (in another country) and visit family and friends. She usually wants to go out at night with friends to bars and clubs and I really hate the fact that she does this. Especially now after she has told me what she has done to our marriage. If I tell her that I don't want her to go out to the bars and clubs at all would this be within my rights as her husband? Should she have the right to get mad at me about it? I just feel that she put herself into this situation and made the conscious decision to cheat and that I should have the right to set down some rules. I want this marriage to work and she says she does as well but I need to be able to trust her. I need some help on this one please.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Well, she cheated. It is now up to her to earn your trust again. And since it bothers you that she is out clubbing while you are away, it's a problem. If she were serious about working on your marriage, she would be more concerned about gaining your trust again. Looks to me like she is still on her same ole path.


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## jack2010 (Jul 6, 2010)

She says she wont but she acts like she is mad at me for asking her not to drink or go to bars/clubs if I am not with her. She acts like I am the one controlling her and she doesn't understand my insecurities with it. I hate feeling this way and the position she has put me, my family and our marriage in.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I would say that since she made some bad choices that have effected your relationships, this isn't about you controlling her. This is about actions having consequences. If she wants to work on your marriage then she has to realize that. She broke the trust, and now she has to be there to help you mend it. Nothing wrong with making boundaries that you are comfortable with. Here is how I would phrase it: 
" Look, I know you might not understand why I feel uncomfortable about you going out and drinking with your friends. Since bad choices have been made while doing this, I am asking that we set a boudary so we can improve our marriage. Boundaries can be changed with time, but right now I need you to help me fix our marriage and this is a boundary I feel I need for that to happen." 
You aren't closing the door on it forever, you admit that maybe in the future it can be reopened but you also show her that this boundary is a need for you to want to work it out. Hopefully she can understand that.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

It's time for the ultimatum, stay or go, why should anyone have to deal with uncertainty in a marriage?..they shouldn't!!!!


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## MapleLeaf (Jul 13, 2010)

Sorry to hear about your situation. I agree with 827Aug about the fact that if she truly wanted to work on your marriage, that she would understand your insecurities. If she is still behaving in the same way as she was when she first cheated, I would have my concerns. On the bright side, at least she told you what she did the first time, but my guess is she won't tell you if it happens again, mainly because she probably does view you as "controlling" now, even though you're only being realistic and trying to avoid having the same thing happen again. Best of luck.


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## AmorousWarrior (Jul 6, 2010)

827Aug said:


> Well, she cheated. It is now up to her to earn your trust again. And since it bothers you that she is out clubbing while you are away, it's a problem. If she were serious about working on your marriage, she would be more concerned about gaining your trust again. Looks to me like she is still on her same ole path.


I agree. I'd be upset that she even brought it up. It sounds to me like she doesn't take the relationship seriously. If she were serious about earning your trust, going to a club would be the furthest thing from her mind. She should run the other way when she sees one. 

The fact that she is upset that you won't let her go back shows a lack of respect for you and the relationship. I'd have serious concerns about being with someone like that. I think that you guys need to sit down and establish some ground rules. You absolutely have the right to tell her that you are not comfortable with some things and she should be more than willing to give some of those up. If she isn't, then more serious steps may be necessary.


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## jack2010 (Jul 6, 2010)

Thank you for the advice. This would be much easier to do with her if I were face to face but unfortunately I will have to do this over the phone with her. I do love her and our kids very much and she says she loves me too and wants the marriage to work. I just hate that she has put me in this situation. I don't understand why she cant just grow up and leave the club scene behind and be a mother and wife. Her excuse is that is how she socializes with her friends and it was what she was doing before she met me. I keep telling her that her behavior of socializing was in the past and she needs to understand that and it is time to grow up. There are other ways to socialize with friends like going to the beach, dinner, lunch, the park, etc. and the club/bar socialization time is something that she should do when I am with her. I just don't understand why she can't see this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tell her to tell her mother what she did. Tell her that's what you need to heal (along with no longer acting like a wild and crazy 21 year old). See what happens.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

jack2010 said:


> She acts like I am the one controlling her and she doesn't understand my insecurities with it.


A cheating spouse will find many ways to blame the betrayed partner for their bad discussions. It looks like she is going to start telling you that you are too controlling. Don't believe that one! You have EVERY right to feel insecure and insist on boundries.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Nightclubbing wives. My favorite topic.

I'll bet she doesn't go into much detail about her nights out, does she? Ask her what she does at these clubs. Do guys hit on her? (in my research on the topic, I can answer with a definitive "yes, all night"). Does she reject each and every advance? Does she dance with a lot of guys? (Probably). Does she accept drinks and party with different guys? (I can almost guarantee it). What does she do when guys grab her ass and try to kiss her? (Yes, it does happen. Every night). How much of the fun of a nightclub involves attention from other men? (Answer: a lot). Why doesn't she ever invite you ("how did Cody KNOW she never invites me?")

Ask her what is so fun about socializing at meat markets until 3:00 in the morning that they can't do at the movies, or a restaurant, or a park, or....

"It's only a little dancing". You'd have to be a neanderthal to have a problem with that. It's legitimized infidelity, is what it is.

If you have the money, hire a PI. I can GUARANTEE things go on there that she doesn't tell you about.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Guarantee!!


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## jack2010 (Jul 6, 2010)

Turnera - I have told her that she should tell her mom and her cousin (who treats her like a sister and had her husband leave her and the 2 children for another woman) and she refuses to do so. Her claim is that she doesn't want other people to know our issues and to judge her.

Cody5 - I have asked her if guys hit on her and she says that they don't most of the time because she is with her friends but every once in a while a guy will and she insists that she tells them she is married. I know how guys are and that wont stop it though. 

I am going to give her a call later today and set the boundaries. We will see what she says. My anticipation is that she will get upset and most likely tell me that if I am going to be controlling like this then it is better that we divorce. I guess that will be a huge indication that she does not want this marriage to work.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then you should call them, if she refuses to stop. You have to fight to save your marriage, jack. That means you may have to appear 'mean' by fighting her actions.

Your marriage can survive her anger; it can't survive her cheating.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

jack2010 said:


> Cody5 - I have asked her if guys hit on her and she says that they don't most of the time because she is with her friends but every once in a while a guy will and she insists that she tells them she is married. I know how guys are and that wont stop it though.


Did you really think she was going to say "yes, they hit on me all the time. I love the attention from strange me. That's why I go"?

Jack. As you may have guessed, I've been through this before. I went on this and other sites asking if it was "OK" that my wife went bar-hopping. I got mixed responses trickling in. I needed to hear some unbiased opinions (people gear their answers towards your question), so I went on a few sites (this and similar ones), went back to past posts, and key-word searched "clubs", "Nightclubs", "wingman", even "dancing". I found threads like yours as well as some just talking about dating and going to clubs. People spoke about what they saw at clubs, what they did there, what they looked for. I read literally hundreds of posts on the subject. Let's just say it was an education.

Is your wife at all attractive? If she's not a total cow, she's lying about the "every once in a while" comment. If she's hot, she is getting hit on non-stop. If she's at all pretty, there is not a minute in these clubs where she's not talking to a strange guy, dancing with a strange guy, or shoving them away.

Is it possible to go to just want to dance with her friends? Some responders said they do. But when pressed, they admitted that they sometimes go w/ their boyfriends/husbands, or girls the husband/boyfriend trusts, they set groundrules and are honest about what goes on. Since you're on this site, posting this thread, I'm guessing your wife doesn't fall into that category. Am I right? Since she's lying to you about how often she gets hit on, I'm guessing that's part of the fun. I'm also guessing there are more lies (untold truths?) about what goes on.

Amazing how clubbers have kept this secret agreement going that going to clubs is just innocent fun. Sure, if your single it's innocent. And if you don't mind your wife partying with strange men all night it's innocent. But she's lying to you. Not only with the frequency of the advances, but the lie that "no, I'm married" drives them away.

Get someone who doesn't know her to stop bye while she's socializing with her friends at one of these places. Hire a PI to follow her and report. I'm guessing what he/she see's will be a little different than what your wife is telling you.

As a matter of fact, I can GUARANTEE it.


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## jack2010 (Jul 6, 2010)

DawnD - I spoke to my wife using a similar conversation to the one that you posted and she agreed easy enough to no bars/clubs or drinking while I am not there and while she is home visiting friends or relatives. I am shocked about that but it goes a long way to tell me that she wants the marriage to work. Thank you for the suggestion.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

How will you know she did not go to the clubs???? She just said that so you will drop the issue. Look she was bar hopping before she met you and did so while you were married. The adrenline rush and attention is addictive. 

Is where you live on the base or in a Navy city?? If so, it is filled with Sailors back from a long trip at seas and are horned up and looking for women married or not. I bet your wife takes her ring off when she goes out.

Look I am retired Army and this has happen to me with by prior girlfriends and my wife while I was away on deployment. I see my troops go thru it all the time. They pick up wives from Korea or the Philipines, found them in the clubs and then when the cat is away the mouse will play.

You said that she is going to her home country while you are gone.....what if she doesn't want to come back and she takes the kids??? Is there a extradition agreement with the US so you can get them back? If not you need a lawyer fast and have them stop her from leaving the country!!! Look its near impossible to get the kids out of a country like Italy(a Nato member!!!)

Protect yourself and your kids!!! She is not going to quit cold turkey something that she has done for years. Especially when you are gone and won't know anyways!!


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Best of luck Jack. My H had an affair a while back ago and he has actually agreed to all my terms as well as held up to his word about them. He is military as well, and I can feel your pain about being away. He told me and now we are looking at a bunch of FTX's and a deployment next summer. Definately adds another layer of stress in there. 

Honestly it might not hurt to start thinking about setting up an appt with your chaplain when you get back home just to deal with all the stress this is causing. He might even be able to sit down with you two immediately until a marriage counselor becomes available.


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## jack2010 (Jul 6, 2010)

The ship I am on now has a Chaplain on board and I have been talking with him. As soon as I get back stateside I am setting up counseling to try and put this behind us. I am trusting in my wife that when she gave me her word she will live by it. That is not to say that when I call her it will be late at night to check up on her and make sure she is living up to the agreement. It is going to take a long time to be able to rebuild that trust that we had and I hope to make it a stronger trust. Did you go to counseling and did it help you and your husband?


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

ShootMePlz! said:


> How will you know she did not go to the clubs???? She just said that so you will drop the issue.


I aslo thought that conversation went a little too well. If it was that easy, there wouldn't be forums like this.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

sorry bout yer luck, jack.
but we get yer story countless times a mth here at TAM, esp from military people.
its funny how the media plays up yer heroism/sacrifice in their stories on deployment overseas (middle east) but dont cover this subject at all, unless some H/W/OM/OW is murdered tks to some hanky panky being found out &/or a divorce the result of it.

i wanted to facetiously ask u initially: ''where'd u meet her Jack, in an overseas bar?" sounds about right based on what u wrote us here, yes? if so, then u get some of carlos mencia's dee dee dees thrown yer way, no? its a no brainer. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hy5wNeSPzfQ


i am curious, why'd she tell u bout her 1-niter? did she seem the least bit sorry? and if so, did that "sorry" fade real quick?
seems to me it did if u r worried so much about "controlling her" and "her space" crapola. i think u need to do a real deep search on this one important topic, if u all r going to come out
ok in the long run (of course u all can keep yer heads in the sand if u like......till the lions & vultures come for y'all).

i think the services need to do their own marital boot camps as well as give the possible signs/risks of marital "casualties" in military service. This preparation is long overdue, and the 
problem seems to be pandemic, and not just for US service persons alone.

unless yer W is a sweetie pie who just made a one time mistake,
(not a good chance of this/that, sorry--odds against us all, not just u) and is now showing true remorse for what she did in numerous/beautiful ways worthy of a hollywood/TV script AND she is cooperative w/ u and yer pain, insecurities etc on this matter, i would HIGHLY doubt HER word, as the underlying problem(s) have not even been dealt w/ here (as u may know, the 1-niter is just a symptom of whats wrong w/ her and probably yer rel'shp too)

unfortunately for u (or fortunately, depending how u look at it & what comes of this all) u have soooo much invested w/ this foreign (born) gal that this alone will cloud yer decision making processes and puts u at a disadvantage to think clearly what is right/wrong here to do. most H/W's wouldnt wanna bother w/ all that check up bizness u mentioned.

but u r prob on a ship, so u may bored enough to play this game u really shouldnt have to play, as i can only imagine what DISTANCE will do to yer heartstrings while overseas.

God speed young man!


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Jack and I both know about all the horror stories of spouses going out and being unfaithful, and we know the stories of the ones of the AD members being unfaithful while they are deployed with other soldiers. It happens. Everywhere. 

cb45, they do have programs set up for all of this, but both partners must be willing to go for it to do any good. How many times do we see where only one person wants to try counseling on the group??

Jack, the counseling does help. As long as your counselor is pro-marriage it helps. Here is the hard part though. You will expect at first that the counselor will want to hash out all the wrongdoings on her part, about her cheating and etc. They probably will not do that. They are going to look for the underlying cause. So it may confuse you, but its still worth it. Obviously there is no way for you to know that she isn't going out since you are at sea, but with your circumstance you are going to have to do your best to see to it. I would talk with your wife and see about telling her mom about her infidelity because she will need someone to help her keep straight and narrow. Explain that it isn't about outing her, it is about making sure she has someone who knows whats going on and can keep her on the path that you two have agreed on. That is the best you can do right now, really.


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## jack2010 (Jul 6, 2010)

DawnD,
At first I wanted to go to counseling for the counselor to take my side and tell her everything she did wrong. Now that I have had about a month to let things simmer down a little bit I just want to go to counseling to make our marriage stronger and find out what the problems are. Our lack of communication is a big one that I already know needs work. Hopefully when I get back stateside and we are living together again I can find that counselor that is pro-marriage.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Good luck Jack, and if you need communication help, this place is still great for it. my H and I had a conversation where every sentence had to start off with "I Feel" so there wasn't any defenses going up. It helped a lot. Once we got how we felt said and the other one understood, it was easier to run from there and get to it. Affaircare, tanelornpete, turnera all have great communication advice and a bunch of others here do too.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

jack2010 said:


> I just want to go to counseling to make our marriage stronger and find out what the problems are. Our lack of communication is a big one that I already know needs work.



Don't get too into the psychobabble on this one. Your wife likes to party with the boys. It needs to stop. Not too much Sigmund Freud about that.


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## NotJustMe (Jun 24, 2010)

cb45 said:


> sorry bout yer luck, jack.
> but we get yer story countless times a mth here at TAM, esp from military people.


The number of these stories that begin with "I/my spouse am in the military" or "I/he/she recently reconnected with so-and-so on Facebook" and "My spouse/I have this person at work" is sort of ridiculous.


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