# I am separated and I don’t know what to do with my marriage.



## sunblaster (Aug 9, 2015)

Hi Folks, I've been married for ten years and have two kids, I've been separated for a year and I don’t know what to do with my marriage.

My wife is a wonderful woman that I’ve known for last fifteen years. She is kind and caring, very beautiful as well. When we married I was young we agreed that I will work and support her while she is trying to figure out her studies and career. I've been supporting her ever since we got married. I've been working a full time job and part time business for over eight years on average 60-75 hours a week, which allowed me to pay the bills and save a little as well, and support my wife. We were married for four years before we decided to have kids, during which she tried to study and find a direction for a career but somehow didn't she became very frustrated and gave up on studies at some point. I stopped talking about her studies and career at some point because she would just get mad and upset.

I think I managed to work myself out of a relationship slowly. Combination of me working long hours, having very little personal time, not working on my marriage and being sexually unsatisfied has resulted three years ago of me finding escape in abusing substances and eventually being intimate with someone else. I felt terrible about cheating on my wife, I couldn’t talk to anyone about it, I felt lost and instead of seeking professional help the downward spiral continued. Over two years ago I met someone, she supported me in a difficult time and I have been in a relationship with that woman ever since. This is when I told my wife that I need to move as I am in relationship with someone else. I’ve been living on my own for over a year now.

During this time I’ve made a lot of personal progress, I’ve done a lot of counselling, I’ve been trying to make healthier choices and improve my life. However during this year I’ve been struggling with a decision of ending my marriage mainly because of my kids but also because my wife wants me to come back and try to work things out. I see my kids two to three times a week and they stay at my place as well, it’s one of the happy moments I have day to day. 

I still care for my wife, and she does care about me too. I’ve been separated for over a year and been in a relationship with someone else, and I don’t want to continue living this way any longer, I am torn, depressed and I feel like a failure. I can’t seem to come to accept that my marriage might be over and divorce is a final resolution. I’ve been going mad and looking to come to a decision for the last fourteen months but I still can’t. At this point I just don’t know what to do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you live with your affair partner?

Does she know that you are contemplating going back to your wife?

Is your wife working now? Or are you still supporting her and is she still a stay at home mom?

Have you talked to your wife about the problems in the marriage? Does she take responsibility for her part in the poor state of your marriage?


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## sunblaster (Aug 9, 2015)

No, I live on my own.

Yes, she knows that I have been undecided on the divorce.

No, I am supporting my wife and my kids so child and spousal support. one of my kids has diabetes, so I don't think my wife will work for next four to five years until he goes to school.

We went to counselling couple of times, she sees this situation as being 100% my fault. She says she has been an outstanding wife and that I worked crazy hours for last eight years because I wanted to do so, and that she couldn't get ahead in life with studies and career because I didn't give her a chance and she had to look after kids. 

We married young at 23, and both didn't really know that love is not enough for a successful marriage, that it takes work. We had to overcome a lot of life difficulties together, for last 10 years it's been a struggle on many fronts. We were always helping our family members thru tough times, which there has been a lot, at some point we lost everything in a fire but somehow we managed on kept going together. We never really had many friends she always depended on me for everything, to this day she doesn't even drive. My wife has a very low self esteem and she is very immature when it comes to things like financing, sex, and being able to communicate and have a productive discussion. She never comes up with a solution to a problem, it's always me who needs to resolve everything.

Throughout our marriage I wasn't satisfied with our sex life, I thought that things would get better once we married but they never did. I am extremely energetic and willing to try new things, whoever she has been normal and very conventional, at some point I gave up and my interest veined over time. We would still be close once or twice a week, then it became more like once every two to three weeks. Now looking back I should seen the problem from the beginning and done something about, but I think I just wasn't aware of it on that level and our communication was non existent partially because she would get upset if I criticized or voiced concerns and partially because we just weren't good at communication on a mature level.


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

At the moment you seem to have more than one woman.
What exactly do you want. Do you want to give up the second one or not. Or do you want to carry on having both. Does your wife mind you having two. Or is she prepared to put up with you at any price.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

You shouldn't be in a relationship with someone else you are still married. You cheated and you are lucky she is still willing to have you back, not many women would. Keep going to counseling and try to make your marriage work. You married her and had children with her knowing how she was. You worked and she stayed home and took care of your children. You each had roles in the marriage.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Well, do not take all the blame on yourself. Her issues with her education also played a role in the toxic environment of your relationship. She too, emotionally shut you out. The only thing you had was a marriage, and co-parenting, not a relationship of a loving couple. Both your actions were unhealthy for a loving relationship to be nurtured.

If I were in your position, I would ditch both relationships at the moment. Your focus has been split in too many directions, and not enough focus on your own life. Your own life is not stable, and you are overworked and stressed. Odds are, that is why drugs were a good release at the time. Then the new relationship came, and suddenly, this new relationship brings you good feelings for a while, but again, real life has pressed upon that too. Find stability with yourself. And by eliminating both relationships, you are released from the stress of maintaining both. It takes time and energy for any relationship, which you are short of both. The new relationship for a while gave you some motivation, some energy, but that is also fading.

Perhaps stop finding so much outside reliance to deal with life. Limit your work hours, or find some other job with better potential and take care of yourself.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Since you truly don't' know what you want, you need to be alone for a long while, work on yourself, and come to a conclusion. BOTH of these women sound like Plan B right now.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Since you truly don't' know what you want, you need to be alone for a long while, work on yourself, and come to a conclusion. BOTH of these women sound like Plan B right now.


This. And you should urge your wife (and, come to think of it, your AP) to get counseling for her low self esteem. Neither of them should be putting up with your crap.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Your gf is a real prize to see a married man who's unsure he even wants a divorce. Perhaps you should consider why you attract women with self esteem issues. 

Nice of you to drag your gf down too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sunblaster (Aug 9, 2015)

I've made a lot of changes in my life because of what happened. Closed my business to reduce expenses and work time. Found a better paying job, so I don't have t work constantly and still be able to support myself and family. Trying to keep my various addictions under control. I actually spend more time with my kids now, and I am not constantly tired or frustrated as before. I don't think any of these positive changes would happened if I didn't hit a very low point few years ago. However sorting out my marriage and relationship with AP has been very difficult. I've taken few months to be on my own and figure out this mess, but it didn't help, I ended up coming back to my AP. 

I don't intend to continue living this way for much longer, it's unfair to everyone who is involved. I need to come to some sort of a decision over next month.


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## sunblaster (Aug 9, 2015)

I've ended the relationship with AP about a month ago in order to give my self space and make a sound decision. It's incredibly hard to be alone, and I miss her very much. I really hope I find the light at the end of all of this.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

That's a positive albeit painful first step. Are you in counseling? Men are terrible at understanding their emotions. I even went a few times to a sex therapist just to get my head screwed on straighter. Was amazingly helpful - things I thought were related to sex were just unmet emotional needs that I didn't understand and did not proper express. Your problems are 10 Times worse (sorry but true) so you shouldn't expect yourself to magically "get it" one day on your own.


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## sunblaster (Aug 9, 2015)

I am in counseling on and off, it's not cheap, so I go as needed, which probably going to happened soon. Today seem to be a better day, maybe I am just too tired to think about all. Trying keep myself busy with work, made a new friend recently, and doing a bit of yoga. Keeping a journal helps as well, I read some of my entries from a year ago, that was very therapeutic. Overall just trying to be in a better emotional state, lets see how it goes.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Gosh... yeah you just need to stay away from AP, go to therapy consistantly and turn away from any and all addictions. (You mentioned "trying to keep various addictions under control" which implies that you still occasionally indulge, in more than one) I'm pretty shocked that your wife is still waiting on you at all. I'm not saying that to suggest that you are a horrible person or anything, but simply saying that any person who cheats on their spouse, moves out and continues to see the affair partner, doesn't deserve for their spouse to wait on them for more than a year like this.

Keep going to therapy, and I would suggest going to marriage counseling as well. There are a bunch of things you said above that suggests to me that you are still in the affair fog and mis-remembering your history and/or blame shifting.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Who would you rather want to spend the rest of your life with? Your wife or your new girlfriend? If you don't want to work it out with your wife then it is time to just go ahead with the divorce since you have been separated for more than a year. If you want to work it out then try going to marriage counseling with her. There are lots of places you can get free divorce forms from online. Good luck.


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## H3rmit (Oct 3, 2015)

sunblaster said:


> We went to counselling couple of times, she sees this situation as being 100% my fault.


For me, that is a deal breaker right there. It's never 100% one person's responsibility, or "fault" if you prefer. If my husband maintains that attitude after our separation, I will not want to stay, even though he's the one that wanted the separation. For me it's not about fault or blame. Looking at what we did wrong is not for the purpose of judging but for the purpose of seeing what didn't work, and what is needed for better solutions. How can you think of going back to someone with that attitude? Have you challenged her on that? Or how do you feel about that attitude?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Sunblaster,

The state of your marriage pre-affair is the shared fault of both, the affair is 100% on YOU.

Is the OW also married?

Tamat


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Sun, 

not sure what you would be going back too if you get back with your wife, clearly it would be a one sided marriage, in order for both of you to get this marriage to work on both your parts, but fear is that you will go back to the marriage on her terms and you will find yourself outside the marriage again within a year. year you did something wrong...big time, but in order to move on and build a solid marriage your wife will need to work and accept her short comings as well....i would start by having weekly meetings with her and iron out everything....your needs her needs and figure out if you cam both make this work. Here is the important part ...do not go back because of guilt go back because of love.


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## sunblaster (Aug 9, 2015)

A bit of an update:

AP and I have ended our relationship, and I am going ahead with the divorce. It's been an extremely difficult and stressful decision, I just can't see myself being happy long term with either of them and they do deserve to be happy as well with someone else, it's a best outcome for everyone.

Now is the hard part of figuring out all the agreements and legals stuff, first meeting with a lawyer tomorrow.

SunBlaster


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Good job dude. Stay away from substances and give yourself some time.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

sunblaster said:


> A bit of an update:
> 
> AP and I have ended our relationship, and I am going ahead with the divorce. It's been an extremely difficult and stressful decision, I just can't see myself being happy long term with either of them and they do deserve to be happy as well with someone else, it's a best outcome for everyone.
> 
> ...


Good job, that sounds like it was for the best. Wipe the slate clean and start over. Don't worry about relationships right now and take care of yourself, be happy and good luck with your divorce. My link is a good resource that helped me through mine.


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