# Robsia's D-day 2



## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

I knew it. I knew there was something he wasn't admitting!

My story in brief: Last March I found out my WH had had an affair from October-December last year. He met her on a dating website. She broke it off. He continued to date other people until I found out.

When I found out, by finding the OW's email address and asking her, only then did he admit it. She did NOT know he was married and was very helpful in giving me info he was not prepared to give me.

I asked him if he had had sex with any others. He said no, only her. I honestly did not believe him totally but I decided to try to go ahead with the R.

Yesterday he told me he had something to tell me. He has contracted molluscum contagiosum which children often get through sharing towels etc. But in adults it usually is transmitted sexually, particularly when it presents around the genital area, so it is classed as an STD. Back in March we both got checked for STDs and they came back clear, but these only showed up on him at the end of April. We have not been intimate since then, luckily.

So this knocked me for six, as it reminded me forcefully of the physicality of his betrayal, which I had tried not to think about too much.

I did some research and found that the incubation period - the time from contact to when the spots show up - can be from 1 week to six months. This would just about tie in with his A - as the last time they were intimate was the end of November and the spots showed up five months later.

HOWEVER - the average range is from two to eight WEEKS.

I asked him again if he had had sex with anyone else since the OW. He said not, but again I didn't fully believe him. He wasn't denying it vociferously enough, if you know what I mean.

So last night I emailed the very helpful OW, explaining my situation and asking her if she had, or ever had had this infection, apologising for the intrusive question.

She replied today saying she has not and never has had. She also said that in March she had a full STD check, including visual examination and nothing came up.

Now I now have proof positive that he DID sleep with someone else and that he has lied to me throughout our entire supposed R about this.

I texted him half an hour or so ago saying "I KNOW you lied. [OW name] doesn't have them and never has had. Let me know when you're prepared to tell me the WHOLE truth."

We don't live together any more. He was meant to be coming round for tea this evening. So far he has not replied.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

The fact he continues to lie and deceive and is an addicted serial betrayer should tell you all you need to know.

That said, I do feel great sorrow for you.

IMHO, call the marriage and R off.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He was seeking out dates on a dating site. Right....

You offer to provide him a nice meal and he gives you an STD and a s**t sandwich. 

I think you need to boot his arse to be honest. And boot it multiple times until the lace on your shoe breaks. 

For surely this is the only language this dastardly person understands?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I think you need to boot his arse to be honest. And boot it multiple times until the lace on your shoe breaks.


Poetry.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Oh, I just got a reply, 90 minutes after I sent mine. He just said:

"I assume you don't want me to come round now?"


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Duh...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Robsia said:


> Oh, I just got a reply, 90 minutes after I sent mine. He just said:
> 
> "I assume you don't want me to come round now?"


Wow, that's pretty much the definition of understatement.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Hecks yeah! He better come over for damn tea! Time he gets balls! And make sure you have the divvy papers waiting. Tell him to btw, stop and pick up a Mont Blanc for you on the way over!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Robsia said:


> Oh, I just got a reply, 90 minutes after I sent mine. He just said:
> 
> "I assume you don't want me to come round now?"



What a sense of humor he has!


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

From here: Molluscum contagiosum - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

takes 9 months to 2 years to clear up. he'll have the reminder for quite a while.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Robsia said:


> Oh, I just got a reply, 90 minutes after I sent mine. He just said:
> 
> "I assume you don't want me to come round now?"


"No, my dear. Please come round for tea. I have some lovely deaths cap mushrooms for you with a lovely mustard and monks hood sauce..."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

aug said:


> From here: Molluscum contagiosum - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
> 
> takes 9 months to 2 years to clear up. he'll have the reminder for quite a while.


Ugh. At least you avoided this, Robsia. 

You dodged a virus, but it seems time to rid yourself of this cancer on your life.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Oh Robsia, I'm SO sorry. I think your gut was telling you he he was giving you trickle truth, as is so often the case.

I'm of two minds about his coming over, though. I understand telling him "Stay away, I don't want anything to do with you." 

BUT. Would you be alone? If you arranged for a sitter or family member away from your place, and you'd be there by yourself, you might want to look him in the eye to be able to watch his facial expressions as he answers you about this latest piece of news.

Here's one way to look at it. What if he had never confessed it to you - I don't know anything about this STD, but I assume if kids get it from towels it can be treated, and if you two are just starting MC and considering R and don't have sex for weeks (or months), you would never have known. At least he DID tell you about it, though he DIDN'T tell you how he got it. Does he get half a point for that??

You could rage at him for NOT telling you about how he got it, or you could tell him you appreciate that he told you that he has it, and then tell him you will now give him the opportunity to tell you the rest of the truth. You can still decide to divorce him, even if you're calm and keep your voice down while you're receiving the rest of the story.

D-Day #2 seems to be too common a pattern, sad to say. You will have to be the one to decide if it's the dealbreaker for you. But getting all the truth might help YOU in your long term healing, with or without him - so before you decide about cutting him out of your life completely, this might be your best opportunity to get at more of the real story.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

I was typing my reply while aug posted. I guess it takes quite awhile to clear up. Sheesh.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

> -Day #2 seems to be too common a pattern, sad to say.


Looks like it's the 'season', sadly .....



> Oh, I just got a reply, 90 minutes after I sent mine. He just said:
> 
> "I assume you don't want me to come round now?"


Reminds me of my STBXH on DD2 ... "I'll give you a buzz later" ... I looked him in the eye ... Me, no more tears after an explosive night upon discovery of DD2, responded "Don't bother. All communication from now onwards will be through the lawyers".

Was I seething ? Was I rational ? The answer to both is yes. I don't know which hurt more - DD1 or DD2 ... I told him I gave him the most precious gift of all. That of a second chance. But he threw it back to my face. I love him (maybe still in the present tense) and I really wanted (past tense!!) US to rebuild OUR marriage. Unfortunately, DD2 has shown me that it was very much a one way traffic.

But then, his was an LTA. I feel spent, defeated ... BUT I am going to muster all my energy now for one more battle - in COURT.

Good luck, Robsia. Be strong. Only you can determine what lies ahead .....


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

OK, so this is what happened next.

I texted him in answer saying "Depends on whether I'm going to get truth or bullsh!t"

He didn't reply. Half an hour later I texted him again saying "Don't I deserve the truth?"

I pretty much went round to his house immediately after that, I didn't even wait for a reply. I needed to know the truth and I was going to damn well get it. He only lives 5 minutes round the corner.

So I turn up, unannounced. He looks at me oddly when I walk in, then puts the kettle on.

I get "Why are you here?"

So I tell him I need to know the truth.

Cue ten minutes of prevarication, but he is clearly very uncomfortable. He wants to know why I need to know. I tell him that I can't explain why, I just do. I get him to admit that there was someone else over and above the OW which I knew about. I try to explain again why I need to know. I tell him that if he DOESN'T tell me, then we are definitely over.

He wants to know what happens if he does tell me.

It depends on what you tell me, I say. I tell him that if he doesn't tell me what happened, then my imagination runs wild, thinking the worst. And the worst is that he was running around sticking it into any diseased c*** that will have him. Or prostitutes.

See, we've been living apart since last summer, actually. I was ready to divorce him, BUT he suggested that we could still continue our relationship, but in different houses, IF he promised to get help for his anger issues. He did promise and he went to see his GP for a referral.

So since last summer we have been living in separate houses. However, we had a conversation about our expectations and I did say that I still expected fidelity from him, even though we were living apart, that it was like going back to when we were dating. We each had our own house, but we saw each other regularly. I fully expected fidelity from him and he KNEW that.

So the A he had was not while we were living together, so I do kind of understand why and how it happened. I had, without knowing it, done a 180 on him. I was enjoying having my own space, and my own place, and I guess he felt rejected, in a big way, which is why he started looking elsewhere.

I didn't start looking elsewhere, I was happy with our part-time marriage. So, in a way, I can understand how his A happened.

So, back to tonight. I finally manage to persuade him to tell me the truth. His face sort of drops and he says, "Well, I may as well."

It was after the first one had ended. He had met this one on the dating site also, after the first one finished with him. He met up with her about three times, they had sex twice. Then she ended it, said she wanted more. I asked him what 'more' did she want that he wasn't prepared to give her, and he said he didn't know, he didn't ask. He said probably because they had only seen each other twice over a few weeks and it wasn't enough for her.

he says there have been no more since then. This time I believe him. I am pretty good at telling when he is lying, and every time so far my gut has been spot on. But I didn't get that warning this time. I actually believe him.

So, how does this change things? I strongly suspected there had been another, and now I find out there definitely was. The only difference is, now I know for sure and I have the details.

The biggest issue is that he lied to me about it for the last 2.5 months, so trust-wise and R-wise we are right back to square one again.

I feel numb. I don't feel anywhere near as bad as I did the first time.

My common sense is screaming at me to get out, to post off the D papers and tell him where to go. But the little voice that has kept me going through the R so far is still there, saying we could have a chance if we can get past this.

That's the thing, I don't know if I can. But I don't know if I'm completely ready to let go yet either.

He's gutted that he let me down again. He says he feels unworthy of me, of having any kind of opinion or input into where we go from here. He says it's all down to me to decide.

I left saying that I would text him. That it might be a couple of days while I work out how I feel about this.

I don't know how I'm supposed to be feeling.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Robsia said:


> I don't know how I'm supposed to be feeling.


First of all you should take your time. It is YOUR TIME. Next I want you to know that whatever you feel is okay. Feeling numb is understandable. Frankly I'd be surprised if you weren't. But let yourself fully absorb this new information. Trust yourself to work it out the right way for you. Your gut was telling you there was someone else and you were right. You knew there was more. Now you feel confident you have all the information you need to decide how to proceed. Trust yourself that you will get there when you are supposed to get there. There is no rush.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this yet again. But you are stronger than you were. You are better equipped to handle this. You will know how you feel when you feel it. Take your time.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Which part of: "I am a married man, I should not frequent dating sites by posing as a single man and then catch STDs by indulging in unsafe sex" does he not actually get?:scratchhead:


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Robsia said:


> Oh, I just got a reply, 90 minutes after I sent mine. He just said:
> 
> "I assume you don't want me to come round now?"


And the answer is........................................ NO!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Robsia said:


> ...He's gutted that he let me down again. He says he feels unworthy of me, of having any kind of opinion or input into where we go from here.* He says it's all down to me to decide.*
> 
> I left saying that I would text him. That it might be a couple of days while I work out how I feel about this..


He's good at avoiding the truth. It would have been much better for him to divulge everything the first time around. TT is such a scab-ripper. His demeanor as described by you and the bold above represent (IMO) a weak response and lack of commitment. 

I do believe that the OW dropped him because she wanted more. The main complaint of women on infidelity boards is that they don't have the frequency they desire from their APs. 

Take your time as Bfree says. Sorry your emotions are being battered.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> He's good at avoiding the truth. It would have been much better for him to divulge everything the first time around. TT is such a scab-ripper. His demeanor as described by you and the bold above represent (IMO) a weak response and lack of commitment.
> 
> I do believe that the OW dropped him because she wanted more. The main complaint of women on infidelity boards is that they don't have the frequency they desire from their APs.
> 
> Take your time as Bfree says. Sorry your emotions are being battered.


She wanted more as in, she really wanted less. By that I mean she wanted a man who was single, not one with a wife...


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

After 2 screws or transmittal of the std, she wanted more? What she deserves, YOU don't. Please take care of you 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

He wasn't gutted because he hurt you again. He's gutted that he was caught. Again.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

I am going to tell you exactly what I thought when I read through this.

1: Cheater caught again treating you love and trust like it was nothing.

2: Exposing you to LIFE altering and potentially deadly diseases. Due to their utter disregard for your love, trust and LIFE.

This man is garbage the only thing worthwhile he has is your love and he does NOT deserve it. Find someone else hell even a dog as a companion has more morals then this guy. He is toxic, cruel, selfish and worthless as both a person and as a companion. Girl you can do SO much better the only reason you are staying is because you still hold the mirage of who you thought he was. My hopes are with you.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Robsia, you should really rethink R. Not only did he cheat you, he also cheated the OW. It takes a man of really low character to do that. Think about it.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

He sent me an email last night:

"I know you said you needed a day or two but I just wanted to say that yes I do want us to work at our marriage. I have let you down again and I would understand if you want to call it quits as it would be all that I deserve for the hurt that I have caused you. I am sorry that I have caused you pain again and should have been honest in the first place.

[name] x"

I still just feel numb - it's quite strange.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

The feelings are starting to come through. I told my parents today about the latest development. I was upset, and starting to feel angry, very very angry. I cried a lot and drank too much vodka.

It's quite interesting cooking a roast chicken dinner when you're half-cut.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Robsia said:


> It's quite interesting cooking a roast chicken dinner when you're half-cut.


If you're not careful with the carving knife, you could well end up completely cut ..

(sorry for being facetious, but actually, I've known that to happen ... A&E, stitches, etc ...)


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

Robsia, I am so sorry that you're going through all of this. Your WH and R don't seem to be compatible.


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## Mrs_Mathias (Nov 19, 2012)

So sorry to hear this, Robsia.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Wow – what a day! I went round this afternoon, not really sure what was going to happen. I wanted to get access to his ipad, and check through some stuff. I did manage to and had a mixed experience. I found out that he had been talking to a girl called Kate just before D-day – 2/3 March. I read an email conversation between them where he arranged to meet her in Warrington on 12th March. It was heartbreaking to actually read the little words of endearment and the kisses and the “can’t wait to see you”s.

I got into his email archive, which he was very surprised existed, which had EVERYTHING he had ever sent or received. After ploughing through thousands of junk stuff from freecycle etc I did unearth a few gems – I discovered he had not only been on ONE dating site, which was what he had told me, but he had been on several. However, I did find out that they were all inactive since D-day, which verified what he had told me.

I found a few arrangements to meet people, again I knew this as he told me he had met people. But knowing it and seeing the arrangements are two different things.

I found out he met the first one as early as August last year. That one I read in an MSN conversation where he said he “couldn’t wait to meet her in the flesh”.

Then, I started going through his imessages. Immediately I found several messages from a woman called Rose who had sent him pix of her naked boobs. I felt sick, I jumped up, this was only 13th May - last WEEK! I felt sick – I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. She’d sent him a pic of her cleavage and asked him if he wanted more and he’d said “Go on then x” or something like that, then came the boobs.

But then there was no more from him. And this was a week ago. He said she was one he had met up with a couple of times, but he had NOT had sex with her. She wasn't his type, but they had stayed in touch as ‘friends’. I said “So, if I ring her she will confirm this, will she?” I sent her a text saying “This is [name]’s wife. Never contact my husband again.” Then I tried to ring her, on his phone. She didn’t answer, but I could see she had read the text as she had read receipts turned on.

He said he hadn’t expected her to send the pix, he knew he was wrong to encourage her. He was sorry etc etc. That was when it came out that they had been keeping in contact all this time. I was so angry and upset. I told him it was totally inappropriate, that this was exactly what was meant by transparency, that you don’t stay in touch with an OW you met on a dating site and they don’t send you pix of their boobs! He admitted it was wrong and inappropriate.

I told him it stops right now. I told him that if we are going to do this, we are doing it my way, that he reads the f*cking book and he comes and posts on the forum and asks them for advice. His demeanour was quite different to what it has been. He seemed genuinely chastened and shocked.

Pretty much most of what I discovered today did back up what he told me, apart from the existence of multiple dating profiles and of Rose. It was just difficult seeing it all in black and white.

When I got the home with the girls I texted her, saying “This is [name]’s wife. I know about the dating site. I am trying to figure exactly what he’s been up to. I know he met u. Have u had sex with my husband?”

She rang me!! I answered. We talked. She confirmed that they had met twice, but that they had not had sex. She sounded a bit abashed and said she was drunk when she had sent him those photos. She sounded quite smitten with him actually. I told her what he had done, that he had had TWO affairs. She said she hoped we worked it out (!) that he was “worth it”. I said sometimes he’s worth it, sometimes he’s not. She said something about men being men. She also said he had been a complete gentleman with her.

One thing I did discover during my trawl through his phone was that his mother knew all about him dating other women!! She had no clue we were still trying to work things out. I told him that stops also. He tells her exactly what he has done and that we were still together when he was doing it.

So since I got home he has been texting me on and off. He is like a different person. He’s asking me if I’m okay, asking me what I need, saying he wants to fix this and win my trust back. He says he can’t stand disappointing me and my opinion matters.

So far, so good, but it’s all words right now. Time will tell if his actions match up.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Robsia - you have to make it clear to him that there can't be any more surprises - he HAS to tell you everything NOW. 

Maybe he can write it all down for you so you can review and schedule time to talk about it so you have the full picture of what's ahead.


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