# I feel like my whole world has turnes upside down.



## mjoe59 (Nov 13, 2012)

I could really use some advice.

I am 28 years old and my wife is 26. We have been married almost 8 years and together 9. We have 3 beautiful daughters together that we both love and cherish. My wife is a stay at home mother and does some babysitting as well. I work outside of them home and this is how it has been our entire marriage.

I love my wife very much or at least who she used to be. She used to be funny, sweet, kind, understanding and loving to everyone. She is very outgoing and can hold a conversation with anyone. She has always been a wonderful mother to our girls until recently.

Our marriage has seen its fair share of problems before now. From financial struggles to the both of us having emotional affairs in the past. We have been able to work through our problems and always come out better on the other side.

This past year has been very rough. In may we moved and my aunt, who I was very close to passed away very suddenly. Our family dog passed in the early summer as well. About 4 months ago my wife started spending time away from home and hanging out with old high school friends. At the same time she expressed to me that she was unhappy in our marriage but refused to work on things. She started becoming distant from me, our daughters, her family, my family and old friends. She began consuming herself with her social life. I tried to get her to open up bit the harder I would try the more she would pull away. Finally she told me that she wanted her independence and didn't want to have to answer to anyone anymore. Soon after this she told me that she was not in lobe with me anymore. I was blown away, became emotional and angry. Asked if there was another man and she denied it. 

At this point I decided to sit back and observe. She became more distant her actions more selfish. She also started making mistakes. About two weeks ago I confronted her with a reasonable amount of evidence. She admitted to me that she had been having an emotional and sexual affair with another man. She said that she has developed feelings for him and that she never intended for this to happen. I reacted like a typical man and became very angry and had an outburst, made her leave and so on. She dis come back later that night and I was able to get more details out of her.

I exposed the affair to close family members on both sides. Told her that either she breaks it off I'm the girls and I are gone. I also confronted her "boyfriend" via the phone very civilly and told him to back off and he apologized and agreed.

My wife says that she has ended things. She doesn't go out anymor either. However she days that she still doesn't love me and that she wants a divorce. She seems to have sense of urgency. Looking for a job outside of the home, looking for an apartment and telling me that she will agree to anything I want when it comes to the divorce. She has also set a target move out date of the first of the year.

She shows no remorse and has become a completely different woman. I lobe my wife and would like nothing more than to identify our problems and began working toward reconciliation but I can't seem to reason with her or get the truth from her.

I could really use some help here.

Thanks for reading.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Give her the divorce. Tell her you want 100% custody. That way she can have her freedom right? Start the 180 (search for it on this site). After you have a settlement exposé her and OM far and wide.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

She's not done with OM.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

She shows no remorse but she agreed to break it off with this other guy? Hmmm... my guess is she is still seeing this guy. Is the guy single or is he married? If married, rat him out to his wife. You could still try to find out who is parents are and rat him out to them. But the bottom line is if you can get 100% custody of your kids - do it. Get it in writing in a legally binding agreement. If that doesn't get her to come back to you on hands and knees, then nothing will. If you get your kids 100%, then make sure that your wife becomes dead to you after the divorce.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Acabado said:


> She's not done with OM.


:iagree:


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Who is the OM ? Is he married ?

How come you are forcing her back into the relationship ? This doesn't work. She made her choice, she had her fun. Guilting her back into relationship will never work. Detach and offer a divorce. If she wants the marriage, she will win you back.


Tell us a bit about other emotional affairs in your marriage


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

If she'll really give you anything to make the divorce happen, take her for all you can, ASAP before she talks to a lawyer. Get it all, now while the gettin's good. If she comes to her senses and you feel pity for her, you can marry her again later. With a prenup.


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## mjoe59 (Nov 13, 2012)

The OM is single and I agree that she is still involved with him. I plan on making the affair public to friends starting tomorrow. As for getting full custody I don't know if she will go for that once it comes down to signing papers.

Does anyone know if I could use her affair and neglect against her in court?


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Try for full custody. Say she told you she wanted her freedom and you are respecting her wishes. Hold off a little on exposing while you try to rush the d papers past her. 

Forget about being the victim in court. That's a losing arguementfor men.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

She is gone long ago, and I think you have waited longer than required. She is more likely to move in with OM. It is pathetic to see her neglecting her family, kids which she gave birth. It is uncommon to see women do that. When exposed, most of the women come out of fog, and start repairing thing. Unfortunate you have this wife.

What did her family members say about her affair?

As Sandc said, ask for custody of your kids.

Others will advise you about how could use her affair in the court.


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## mjoe59 (Nov 13, 2012)

It is very sad. 

Her family is disgusted by her behavior as is mine. Her parents told her that they wanted nothing to do with her unless she changed. This actually brings me to where I am now. She hasn' t gone out I'm a couple of weeks and I have no evidence of contact with OM but she still wants the divorce, her thoughts are not rational and she seems to have a strong sense of urgency to get her ducks in a row. She says that she would like us to be able to be friends for the kids. She has also mentioned that maybe not being with me will make her realize what she has in me. I feel like she is being very manipulative and is playing head games.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Maybe not being with you will definitely make her realize what she has in you. But... You'll be long gone by then. If you're smart.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

mjoe59 said:


> It is very sad.
> 
> Her family is disgusted by her behavior as is mine. Her parents told her that they wanted nothing to do with her unless she changed. This actually brings me to where I am now. She hasn' t gone out I'm a couple of weeks and I have no evidence of contact with OM but she still wants the divorce, her thoughts are not rational and she seems to have a strong sense of urgency to get her ducks in a row. She says that she would like us to be able to be friends for the kids. She has also mentioned that maybe not being with me will make her realize what she has in me. I feel like she is being very manipulative and is playing head games.


This is not uncommon. It is in fact following the cheaters script to the tee. She is keeping her backup options open in case the guy doesn't work out...She will pursue the relationship with this guy(Read "f*ck his brains out") and will try her hardest to make it work, but will come back to if it fails. her family is right. She is only with you because she has few other options. She is still contacting this. If she needs to miss you to realize your value, you are bettr off without her. 

That is what happens when you forgive a cheater so easily. You should have kicked her out the first time you found out and should have got back only after strong effort from her part..Without her doing that, the marriage is doomed anyway..You know, you can take a horse to the lake but you cannot make it drink the water.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Just take adventage. Fake you will always remain friends. Fake it. Get a quickly D as she wants.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Mjo59:

All the stuff you describe your wife doing is not a good sign. 

I strayed twice, but I never neglected my wife during it and I did not want my marriage to end. I simply wanted the illicit thrill of extramarital sex. 

I never told my wife I didn't love her when my straying was exposed.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> That is what happens when you forgive a cheater so easily. You should have kicked her out the first time you found out and should have got back only after strong effort from her part..Without her doing that, the marriage is doomed anyway..You know, you can take a horse to the lake but you cannot make it drink the water.


I think this is true. 

After much soul searching, I realized I cheated on my wife again because she took me back too soon. 

She kicked me out, after the first straying was exposed, but did not file and make me grovel. This made me feel like it was okay to do it again when the opportunity arose. It made me think she would again forgive me. 

If she had divorced me and only taken me back if I groveled, I think there is a strong possibility that i would have resisted my compulsion to stray on the women I love. 

Now that she has divorced me, I realize how shallow I was, how shallow the other woman is and was, how shallow the whole sordid affair thing is.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Immediately cut off access to joint credit and stop sharing your paycheck.

Exposé exposé.

Go read doc cool.com about cheaters and the games they play.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Immediately cut off access to joint credit and stop sharing your paycheck.
> 
> Exposé exposé.
> 
> Go read doc cool.com about cheaters and the games they play.


Oh I hate that site but you're right


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Sound like she got one in the oven dude. thats the rush. Start D then you find out. IMO


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

She wants to leave you for the OM, clearly. She's probably looking for a place they can move into. 

I think you should just divorce her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

The others are right. Your wife is in what we call the cheater's fog. She's not thinking rationally. She thinks that she can trade up to the other man like she's trading in a car. Easy peasy. She thinks you'll be friends with her and with her new man. Hell, you can probably all vacation together as one big, extended, happy family. Don't think of it as losing a wife. Think of it as gaining a boyfriend.

Of course, the fog isn't real. Reality is much different. You may be able to be civil to her, for your children's sake. But you're not going to feel all warm and fuzzy toward her for many years, if ever.

So, take advantage of the fog. Get a lawyer right now and try to get her to give you the moon for a quick divorce. Primary custody of the kids, very little alimony, etc. The quicker you can do this, the better.

As for what her affair is worth in a contested divorce, diddly squat. The best you can hope for is to quantify the money she spent on her affair, and set an equal amount aside for you that you don't have to split with her. Custody and support decisions really aren't affected by an affair. In order to screw your wife over in court, she would have to be a mass murderer. And even then you're taking a chance. So get her to sign before she consults a lawyer of her own.

Good luck.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> Sound like she got one in the oven dude. thats the rush. Start D then you find out. IMO


Very possible. You'll know it's even moreso if she suddenly wants to have a makeup or one-last go with you. Don't. Not even. At least not until she takes a STI test AND a preg test. 

She wants to be friends? No way. Cordial co-parents? - can't help it but you don't have to be her friend. 

Friends share things about themselves - what would you want to know about her life now that she's leaving you and is willing to give up her kids for someone who only months ago was a total stranger? 

What did you ever do to deserve such disrespect? What misdeeds or slights did she see in the father of her children that she had to fall into someone else'd bed? 

You probably courted her for much longer than it took this slick dude to get what he wanted from her.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

There are things you can do to help yourself before filing. Halt 401k contributions and spend that money on you, trips, clothes etc.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you checked her cell/text/email records. They are both playing you.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

remorseful strayer said:


> I think this is true.
> 
> After much soul searching, I realized I cheated on my wife again because she took me back too soon.
> 
> ...


RemorsefulStrayer - can you not make every post about you, and focus on the OP for once?

OP - your wife is gone. Let her go. Only let her back in if 1) she's not pregnant with OM's kid, and 2) she is on her hands and knees begging and apologizing.

You guys got married WAY too young.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Just remember Friends do not betray each other. She has broken that trust as you now have that knife in the back. 

Remember the fable of the Scorpion and the Frog.

Do what you need to do to get the most Amiable terms to you in the D and then cut it off except for dealing which children problems.

She wants to have you as the backup support person, bank etc.

She has decided the marriage is over and she is now only going to use you as she has no interest in R


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Just take adventage. Fake you will always remain friends. Fake it. Get a quickly D as she wants.


Agree 100%. Turnabout is fair play. If she could so easily betray you, then I wouldn't feel guilty about lying to her face about being friends even after divorce. Hell, let her know that you will always be there for her even though she wants to leave you. Pretend that you'll "always love her forever" and that "you only want to see her happy". Then, she'll feel a lot better and will be willing to sign over practically anything to get this divorce done ASAP. Try to get 1) her hands off your retirement, 2) 100% custody of your kids, 3) equitable splitting of the debt and 4) no alimony (if possible). If you can get most of those items on that list, then jump for joy, give her the quickie divorce that she wants and then cut her out of your life completely. 

If she cries foul that you "lied to her", just laugh in her face and and ask her how does it feel to be betrayed by a spouse?


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

She has arranged her ducks in a row, she have her OM waiting for her. She is ready to give you anything because she dont want to have any burden. Her children and her husband is her burden now. So use this as your best chance go for custody and file.
Why you wanted to be with a person who dont have any love or respect for you.


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## hurthubby (Nov 9, 2012)

It seems your wife has left the marriage long ago and appears to have made her peace with it. My advise to you is to give her the divorce she has been asking for(easier said than done) and let her move on with her life so you can move on with yours. I know its hard to let go of someone you love and have shared your life with and even started a family with. Hanging on to what you used to have with your wife is not good for you or your children. Time to start thinking about whats best for your kids.


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## Carlton (Sep 15, 2012)

Time for D. I am in the same situation. No remorse, no truth, no transparency, nothing. Only one thing left to do...DIVORCE.

I am 15 weeks into this, you can read my thread, but you will see the same thing that you posted here and I was a PU$$Y when it came to taking her back and giving her chances. Not any more.

Kicking her a$$ to the curb as we speak, just filed a few days ago, she is going CRAZY about the whole thing and really breaking down. Oh well, she shouldn't have F'd with me.


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