# She slept at his house



## Incomplete1112 (Jan 16, 2012)

Sorry,I've gone from the reconciliation stories forum to the going through divorce and separation forum and now I'm here.

Heres the short, been married for 3 years and have a 2 yr old. I was not always the most attentive person when it came to my family, didnt help much around the house ect ect. I definitely made my mistakes. She also had hers, bad communication being the main one. And now that I've read about gaslighting that appears to be another. Anyways, I can go on and on about the things we did wrong. Early december she told me she wanted a divorce, I found a number lots of texts in november picture messages as well about a dozen. I ask whose number she lies, I eventually have the number called. A male. I confront her saying she lied and I want to know more. She lies more, making me out to be the bad guy(gas lighting) I suspect someone from the beginning(a local cop), I pay him a visit. Later that day she calls and wants to lay it all out on the table. Tells me shes been talkin to him for the past two months getting divorce advice, says the pictures are evidence that will be used if theres a custody battle. says she stayed the night the night before because he found a preacher and apparently she talked to the preacher until midnight and fell asleep on the couch while he took the preacher home. Says she didn't even know I'd went over there earlier that day. I decide its an obvious affair. A couple weeks pass, I decide I want to reconcile. I'd been talkin to an old girl friend. My wife finds out, then says I have cheated on her, posts it on facebook that she hopes the other girl was a good lay to me. She continues serious gas lighting and says that everything I told her while tryin to reconcile was a lie. Even though the messages contained NO evidence that I was lying and if anything proved I wasnt having an affair myself. That was last week. A couple days ago I had my son and I decided to see where she was...at 11 at night she was at his house car parked in the back yard behind a tree. Didn't get a 100% id on the vehicle so I went back the next morning before work, it was gone. She has to be at work at 5 and I went by at 6...Now I was thinkin I would collect data and see just how often she stays the night over the next couple weeks but Im afraid I'm becoming consumed. However I really feel that I should confront her one more time. Without being nice at all and just tell her I know and say a few choice words then leave. I dont know how to deal with it and I'm not sure I'm just gonna be able to leave it alone.


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

> A couple days ago I had my son and I decided to see where she was...at 11 at night she was at his house car parked in the back yard behind a tree. Didn't get a 100% id on the vehicle so I went back the next morning before work, it was gone.


Yeah, I'd say she is cheating.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you live in a state where adultery can be used as against the other spouse in a divorce?


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Sorry you are going through this...I don't know much of what to say except that and I hope that you can figure it out...that has to be awful... I am having trouble with H's EA, idk how I would handle a PA...


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## Incomplete1112 (Jan 16, 2012)

No, shes actually already filed for divorce forgot to mention that I got papers at the beginning of the month. She is throwing everything away because of this guy. Things could have been worked on. What bothers me amongst other things is that she is on a path that when she wakes up I'm afraid of how shes going to react to her actions. It may take months it may take years or she may just continue to be an evil ***** for the rest of her life. Not to mention how this is going to effect my son in the future. I just dont know if I should confront her about it AGAIN or not. If she were willing to admit and apologize and open her eyes to the terrible things shes doing to herself and her family then things could be worked on however thats not gonna happen and I'm done hoping it will. I'm just wondering if I should wait for the fallout or confront her and start telling people whats going on. Likely not many will believe me at this point because I am apparently the adulterer according to her lol.


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## Incomplete1112 (Jan 16, 2012)

Sorry for the second post. I have been doing well in handling things and I just dont want to get caught up in this crap, its already started simply because I'm racking my brain on what I should do...part of me feels like I should do nothing. I have taken the high road for the past month and a half. I'm not an ******* and I'm not big on revenge. I hold hope that God will distribute justice for me. HOWEVER!!!!! I really just want to show her how stupid she is. Just don't know how to go about it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you do not live in a no-fault divorce state then there really is no reason to get more evidence.

At this point all she has to say is that she did not start seeing the guy until after she filed for divorce. 

It's probably wise to back off the evidence gathering, unless you can use it to get primary custody of your child or get a court order that she is not allowed to take your son around another man she is seeing.


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## Incomplete1112 (Jan 16, 2012)

The thing is I want to confront her to the point where she can't deny. Not sure if its possible. She is already very inconsistent and has been since this **** started. I want to break her I want to force her to see what she is doing and take responsibility for it like an adult. I want closure and I want to hear it from her mouth. Maybe its not possible thats just how I am feeling. Gotta get some sleep, up in 5 hours.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Why did you first want to R?
And why did you communicate with your GF, which has now given a scope to your wife to accuse you of cheating?
This definitely looks like a PA. She sleeps in his place and says AP was taking the preacher home!
You need to, if at all possible, convince her heart and mind that you did not have affair with your GF.
*The question of confronting her: *
She might have already undone the evidences, may be except the phone records, for which you already have evidences. She may be going more underground.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Incomplete1112 said:


> The thing is I want to confront her to the point where she can't deny. Not sure if its possible. She is already very inconsistent and has been since this **** started. I want to break her I want to force her to see what she is doing and take responsibility for it like an adult. I want closure and I want to hear it from her mouth. Maybe its not possible thats just how I am feeling. Gotta get some sleep, up in 5 hours.


You have to let that go. Thinking that you want to 'break her' is going not a good place to be. It that kind of thought pattern that leads to stalking and other very bad things. Let it go. 

Do you have the money to have a PI follow her and get evidence? 

I understand how you feel about wanting her to admit that she was cheating before she left you. But sometimes we cannot get what want. And we have to be willing to accept that.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

You expose this affair to his department. Go to the police station and file a formal complaint with his Cief of Police or Internal Affairs for moral misconduct (having an affair with your wife). Bring proof of course. They wont fire him but they will order him to stay away. If he violates that then he will be disciplined. Further violations will result in suspension then termination. Misconduct is taken very seriously especially when accompanied by a formal complaint from a citizen. 

If you live in a state that has the alienation of affection laws, you can sue him and name the Chief as a codefendant if he does nothing to keep this officer in line. Be aware that you WW is probably telling him and everyone else that you're abusing her, which is a very common tactic by cheating wives. Get a VAR to protect yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Most states are no-fault. I am sorry for your pain. If she has already filed divorce, get a lawyer and respond to her petition. Protect yourself and let her go. Never chase after someone who doesn't want to be with you anymore.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Bring proof of course.


Considering that different states have different laws, what kind of proof can he take that won't be considered a violation of privacy and thus subject him to being arrested?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

morituri said:


> Considering that different states have different laws, what kind of proof can he take that won't be considered a violation of privacy and thus subject him to being arrested?


? First, violating privacy isnt a crime. Trespassing and peeking in windows is, but uncovering someone's where abouts isn't,

He can certainly take time stamped photographs of her car at his house. He can hire a PI to get photos of the two of them coming, going, etc in public.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

And what good will any of that do...especially if it's a no fault and she has already filed for a divorce. He needs to move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Out the cop now.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> And what good will any of that do...especially if it's a no fault and she has already filed for a divorce. He needs to move on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Clearly this cop is a big motivator for her to end the marriage. And I believe that cheaters need full sunlight exposure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Exposure is great. But she has already filed for divorce. She does not want to be married to him anymore. Regardless if this guy is a 'motivation" for her to get divorced, the thing of it is, is she has FREE will. It's her choice ot end the marriage. And if she filed for divorce, there is nothing left for him to do. If he doesn't sign, a judge will do it for him. 

He is better off w/o her. She has already filed for a divorce, to terminate the marriage. He should get a lawyer and protect himself. Be done with her.

She wants out--nothing he does will stop her since it is her CHOICE to end the marriage.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

morituri said:


> Considering that different states have different laws, what kind of proof can he take that won't be considered a violation of privacy and thus subject him to being arrested?


Whatever proof he can. No, he wouldn't be arrested when being interviewed by IA, not during a complaint. Who would file the police report and arrest him? IA? No. 

People confused being arrested with being booked. The most common type arrest is getting a traffic citation. Arrest literally means stopping someone's motion. So when you speed or commit some other traffic infraction, you're breaking the law. You are then stopped by a law enforcement officer, and while stopped, you're not free to go because you're under a type of arrest. Once a citation is issued then you either plead guilty by paying the fine or contest your innocence by showing up in court and testifying as to why you shouldn't have received that citation. 

For a non violent crime, or a non felonious offense, you would be cited and released by being issued a criminal citation, no fine to be paid, and you would show up in court. 

So no, he would not be booked into jail. Same with kicking the OMs ass. Unless he used a weapon or committed serious bodily injury, he would be arrested, cited, and released on the spot. Then would end up being fined by the judge (harsh), or probation (if no priors). 

Its all moot now anyway, since the barn door is closed after the horses have left. If only he had come here before. He can only separate finances and do a hard 180. Still, I don't think the cop should get off scott free. Should still go ahead with the complaint, if nothing else than to expose the affair to the cops wife or girlfriend if he has one.


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## Incomplete1112 (Jan 16, 2012)

I wanted to reconcile because I made vows before God and everyone to my wife for better or worse. I already knew what was going on just hadn't seen proof. I talked to my ex because I do not have close friends these days, although one has resurfaced since this event. And they are far away. Anyways I may have talked to her because she was my last lay before my wife, or because of spite, or because I knew my wife was sleeping with someone else. I'm not really sure why it was a time full of constant mixed emotions and turmoil. Somewhat similar to now only I am more in control of my thoughts and actions as well as my goals and outlook.

I will be outing the officer. I am not trying to hold my wife in this marriage. I am no longer trying to reconcile. The thing is when it was final that she would NOT admit to the affair I realized there was no chance for reconciliation. I am doing this because I want to expose this affair. She has ruined my name in my home town which is not a big deal however she is also NOT focusing on our son and what she says about me also reflects on him. He is young and unaffected by all of the slander. However what she says and does now will effect him in the future. And you know what maybe I'm not focused on him either at this point but I am working through many realizations and I will not take the crazy approach. I will be calm and collected. I will not let this overrun my life and I will continue to develop my personal self and improve. This has not crushed me as like I said I already knew. However it has motivated me to take action. I just need a few days to sort out my feelings and regain the progress I'd lost when I verified the affair. Yes I want to crush her. I want to make her cry. I want to curse her name and call her the devil(because she is really acting like it) I want to see that she has a HEART and FEELINGS. Because she has certainly not showed me either since she left me for this piece of **** who will inevitably drop her ass to the curb when hes done. I am better off without her and I will be moving on. I'm not concerned with the divorce however I do want 50/50 with my son at least. At this point I want sole custody but I realize he needs his mother even though she has turned into a beast. She seems to only be concerned with the money and her new man. She should not be allowed to continue running around without consequence. This "officer" should be punished as well. How can he protect this little town while he's texting back and forth to her on his shift? Also he shouldn't be tryin to get into married women's pants. They both need a lesson. However for now I have to remain focused on goals and I will admit I'm not doing well. I will see how I deal with the pressure in the following days and make more decisions as I see fit.


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## Incomplete1112 (Jan 16, 2012)

Sorry to sound to unappreciative. I do thank you guys for all the replies and advice. I am paranoid that she could be monitoring this forum as she always seems one step ahead of me. Then again she has also been gaslighting me since we got married. It's time I took control of my life and my own reality and stop letting her warp it. I know these things I'm saying may at times seem harsh, like the fact that I want to crush her and blah blah blah. However wanting to is different from actually doing. I have wanted to do alot of bad things in the course of this situation. However I have not acted on 90% or better of those things. I am not a stalker I am a distraught husband who wants justice. God says do not seek your own justice and in many cases I have not. But when is it time to put your foot down?


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## Incomplete1112 (Jan 16, 2012)

So last night and today I was thinking. If I go through and out the cop that will end their relationship and she will just have one more thing to be hateful towards me about. Whereas if I just forget about it eventually the relationship will destroy itself and she will have noone to blame but herself. I still really just want to go and tell her I know exactly whats going on. I just dont know.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Quit thinking, you are not doing yourself anygood. Make a decision and act on it.....your being wishy washy and very BETA male.

Expose this thing.....it is the best thing for you....get your power back, take the lead quit being the victim.

Exposing is not an act of revenge it is the first act of the process that will heal YOU.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea. Who cares if she gets angry at you. She is cheating. lol.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Cover your butt, stop thinking so much about what she does and you she does. But put a plan together and gather the evidence that will clear your name in the future.

Gathering the hard evidence is not so much about bring her out of the fog in your case, as much as it is to set the story straight later on when it comes to facing others and the history she has rewriten.

She seems to be a lost cause, but to quitely gather proof of her affair and going as far as hiring a PI to have the proof that you will need to protect your self in the future is worth its wieght in gold. Even if you site back and let your W rewrite history and string her web of lies you will now that in the back of your mind that some day it will all come to a head when you expose the black and white proof of her affair...even if its years down the road this proof will come in handy.

So no matter how consuming it can be gather the evidence to protect yourself later down the road. It's no longer about her, it about you and what you need to do to protect your self and make it right with your kid years from now.

So gather the evidence and sit back an watch yourself and now that some day it will all come out when it needs to count. For no other reason, but to set the record straight years from now when your wife is alone in a house ful of 1000 cats and cat boo! She will want to blame you, but then you can show her the proof, and face the reality that she is alone b/c of the chioces she made years ago.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Regardless of whether you expose or not, do get a lawyer STAT and respond to the petition she filed for divorce against you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Incomplete, is getting a little more comfortable playing the cuckold. Why will she stop? She has you and him. Him for sex, you for provision and security. Sounds like your settling right in to your new roll. Good Luck


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## Incomplete1112 (Jan 16, 2012)

I will be getting a lawyer this week and I will pursue evidence. However I am not quite sure about exposing it yet. I am unsure of what the consequences will be and how it will effect my son and I. 

The guy's advice has seemed to hit the spot. I have to agree with that for now. Yes I am very indecisive and I don't know what action to take. I hate to see someone I love ruining herself, burning bridges, and downright betraying the people that truly care about her. even if she doesn't care or see what she is actually doing. I can't help that. I also realize I can't help her, and at this point I am done trying.

She left me. She wants a divorce, she wants out so she can use me for child support and a baby sitter while she goes and sees him. Oh well. I will pick up MY pieces and move on. I will find my happiness. I get a second chance at single life whether I want it or not and I will make the best of it. I get to see my son and that is what is important.

Thing about it is, all I have is a phone bill with his number all day nearly every day for an entire month and my word. I don't think thats enough to out them and I will know more about what I need when I speak to a lawyer.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

If you are going to continue to ignore ALL the advice you are getting here, some from individuals who have survived and even excelled from a similar experience.

Why do you return to TAM....

It seems you relish being the BETA MALE, the victim.....what she has done an what she is contining to do is not what is making you the victim......its your reaction. 

Expose the affair, expose the OM......its whats best for you and your child.....don't be afraid.......exposing will give take the stink of victim from you. The cop/om is not going to do a thing to you.....too much to lose. 

You need to go 180 on her, talk to an lawyer.......go for custody......go 50/50.....decide what you want and go for it.


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## Incomplete1112 (Jan 16, 2012)

I have been trying to implement the 180. I am not ignoring all the advice, however like I said I'm not sure if I have all the proper evidence to expose the affair. Yes I know what is going on but she has been dragging my name through the mud for over a month and all I have is call logs and my word. I'm just trying to make sure I at least have a box of ammunition when I start firing rounds. I don't want to run out before them. Metaphorically speaking of course....


Also I will be seeing a lawyer this week and I will be going for 50/50 custody.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Incomplete1112 said:


> So last night and today I was thinking. If I go through and out the cop that will end their relationship and she will just have one more thing to be hateful towards me about.


 Okay.....sooo...she gets mad. So what! Point is, this guy is a cop; if anyone SHOULD be held to moral standards it should be a cop. It isn't his right to break up a family. AND it should be your responsiblity to report this guy. You say that you should just "standby" and wait for this relationship to "fizzle out". Okay, but it still doesn't change the fact that this guy destroyed your life. He gets bored with your wife and moves on, who's life should he destroy next? Who's family should he rip apart next? Because of your lack of action. This guy gets a free pass. He is not held accountable for his actions. If IA gets involved, I GUARANTEE you, he's going to throw your wife under the bus. The same guy that is giving your wife advice on how to leave you, the same guy that makes her "feel special" is going to toss her to the curb. THEN, she'll see his true colors!


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## Incomplete1112 (Jan 16, 2012)

Crossbar, your right. I was just looking at exposure methods and I think I have a good idea of what I need to do. However I still need more evidence, if I'm going to tell these people I will show them evidence I need more than phone records and I need more than my word. I have made efforts earlier today to contact a PI and I will also ask the lawyer. Really people I do appreciate your comments, most of you also know the turmoil and shifting of thoughts and emotions that go with this situation. All of your make me think so please continue to give advice.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Incomplete1112 said:


> Crossbar, your right. I was just looking at exposure methods and I think I have a good idea of what I need to do. However I still need more evidence, if I'm going to tell these people I will show them evidence I need more than phone records and I need more than my word. I have made efforts earlier today to contact a PI and I will also ask the lawyer. Really people I do appreciate your comments, most of you also know the turmoil and shifting of thoughts and emotions that go with this situation. All of your make me think so please continue to give advice.


Just the phone records alone brings to light some questionable behavior and may be enough for IA to start an inquiry. Maybe not a full blown investigation, but enough to scare the piss out of the OM for conduct unbecoming a Police Officer.

If you want to do the PI thing, I'm for it if you want to dish out hundreds or thousands of dollars. Also, another thing you can do. If your WW charged her phone up on the home computer, chances are that phone sync'd up with the computer. Therefore, any texts that phone had (even deleted one's) are on a hidden folder in that computer. There is a computer program that can help you retrieve that file. Look up a thread started by Shamwow here in TAM and half way through that thread, it will instruct you how to do that. That's how he got the goods on his WW.


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## Incomplete1112 (Jan 16, 2012)

Isn't one of the biggest parts of exposure doing it before the WS has a chance of rewriting history? She has already told everyone that I was the one having an affair among a whole list of other lies no doubt. She began bashing my name shortly after she said she wanted a divorce.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Incomplete1112 said:


> Isn't one of the biggest parts of exposure doing it before the WS has a chance of rewriting history? She has already told everyone that I was the one having an affair among a whole list of other lies no doubt. She began bashing my name shortly after she said she wanted a divorce.


Yeah, that's why we expose as soon as we have evidence of an affair. Normally, they tell friends and family BS stories like, " We haven't been happy in a while." or "It just wasn't working out; even though we tried." or "He/she became a different person." They NEVER say, " Yeah, we're getting a divorce because I've been sleeping with this other guy for some time now."

However, it's important to expose first. Because affairs are like roaches. They love the dark, but if you switch on the light, they scatter. THEN, they will never believe that the OM was "Just a good friend and a shoulder to cry on during a really difficult time for me." He will be viewed and the guy that busted up a marriage and will probably never be FULLY accepted into her family and her circle of friends.

The reason she telling all of this lies is to justify in her warped head that she is justified in doing all of this because you were such and ass and you deserved it. It's YOUR FAULT!! Not hers!!! She's try to subconsiously ease her own guilt by putting the blame all on you. 

Here's another thing you HAVE to do if you get your evidence and expose. Get yourself a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) and keep it on you at all times. If she's making up lies about you right now, when you expose she may threaten you. Call the cops on you and claim that you're threatening her and she scared for her safety and nonsense like that. Check your state laws about recordering and get a VAR for your own protection.


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