# In a funk...



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

So son has accepted a co-pilot position way up in the arctic...in front of him I am happy for him but inside I am worried, anxious, scared, etc....I have not been sleepingvery much and my stomach is in knots.

I want to snap out of this but cannot seem to...I hold it together in front of him but inside I am a hot mess

He has moved out before for a year but we saw him every week or so this time who knows how long he will be away for...I hate feeling like this but he is quitting his job short notice as this opportunity has moved fast and he has to drop out of university as well.

I am wondering if I will be worried and stressed the whole time...terrible feeling.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

How old is he? and What exactly are you worried and stressed about?

Has he made similar decisions in the past that turned out to be mistakes?

Is he an irresponsible person? Do you worry that this is a bad decision?

Or is the concern primarily over his impending absence?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Keke24 said:


> How old is he? and What exactly are you worried and stressed about?
> 
> Has he made similar decisions in the past that turned out to be mistakes?
> 
> ...


Hi, he is 26. not irresponsible...I don't think it is a bad decision...just worried that it might not turn out well as it is pretty desolate up there...plus a part of me worried about the flyng thing too...I mean I know flying is safer than driving but still...and the abscense thing...he did move out about a year and a half ago for one year then moved back but at least whenhemoved out it was local and we saw him on average once a week or so.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Be proud of him. 

If he is co-pilot for some commercial operation, it will be pretty safe, and its a fairly standard early job for a professional pilot before they move on to other things. 

The goal of life isn't avoiding death, its living life.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

uhtred said:


> Be proud of him.
> 
> If he is co-pilot for some commercial operation, it will be pretty safe, and its a fairly standard early job for a professional pilot before they move on to other things.
> 
> The goal of life isn't avoiding death, its living life.


Love what you wrote and thank you.

I tend to be a negative thinker and can get myself working up with anxiety and fear.


I know and I know logicallythat he has to take this opportunity he has been waiting for 4 years for something like this.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

He is 26 years old. He needs to spread his wings and experience life. Be proud of and happy for him.

It sounds like your anxiety tends to get the better of you. Are you doing anything to deal with that?


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

highwood said:


> Hi, he is 26. not irresponsible...I don't think it is a bad decision...just worried that it might not turn out well as it is pretty desolate up there...plus a part of me worried about the flyng thing too...I mean I know flying is safer than driving but still...and the abscense thing...he did move out about a year and a half ago for one year then moved back but at least whenhemoved out it was local and we saw him on average once a week or so.


Hey OP, I'm 27. I lived in another country on my own for 4.5 years while I did undergrad and worked in my field in the last year. I took 2 semesters off during that time to do internships in different states. One was an ashram which my mom was convinced was a cult, the other one was on a solar farm which my mom was convinced was just a hippie commune. There was some truth to both of these views. After undergrad I went on to my masters for another 1.5years in a different country. That was a year ago, I've now moved to another country to live with my partner who I met in undergrad. 

During all this time, my relationship with my mom has not suffered at all. My mother has been my biggest support, even when she didn't agree with my decisions. With each one she asked plenty questions to make sure they were well-informed decisions and I understood the risks. I can't tell you how empowering it is to be a child and have your parent's support and trust. I always felt like, if my mum believed I was mature and trusts me enough to not criticize my decisions, then damn I must have a good head on my shoulders. And with each additional (major) decision, her trust made me feel more and more confident. I wanted to prove to her that she was right about me, that I was indeed maturing into a responsible adult. 

All this to say that it's ok to feel worried about his decision. However it's also important to trust that you raised a smart, mature young man. If you're worried that it may not turn out well, ask questions. You may bring up something that he hasn't thought about and he may be able to reassure you that he has indeed thought this through. 

His absence is one of those growing pains that all parents have to deal with. My mom had asked that I call/skype her often since I was away so much. Perhaps you get him on whatsapp and/or arrange an update call/skype at a reasonable frequency to help you two keep in touch. Whatsapp is now my mom's preferred tool as she can feel free talk to me at any minute of the day. It feels like she's always right there with me.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Keke24 said:


> Hey OP, I'm 27. I lived in another country on my own for 4.5 years while I did undergrad and worked in my field in the last year. I took 2 semesters off during that time to do internships in different states. One was an ashram which my mom was convinced was a cult, the other one was on a solar farm which my mom was convinced was just a hippie commune. There was some truth to both of these views. After undergrad I went on to my masters for another 1.5years in a different country. That was a year ago, I've now moved to another country to live with my partner who I met in undergrad.
> 
> During all this time, my relationship with my mom has not suffered at all. My mother has been my biggest support, even when she didn't agree with my decisions. With each one she asked plenty questions to make sure they were well-informed decisions and I understood the risks. I can't tell you how empowering it is to be a child and have your parent's support and trust. I always felt like, if my mum believed I was mature and trusts me enough to not criticize my decisions, then damn I must have a good head on my shoulders. And with each additional (major) decision, her trust made me feel more and more confident. I wanted to prove to her that she was right about me, that I was indeed maturing into a responsible adult.
> 
> ...


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

The only thing that gives me pause about this is that he would have to drop out of the university. Check with the school but it's usually quite hard to continue work on a degree after you drop out. A college education is also a very good opportunity and if the flying in Alaska thing doesn't work out, he'd have nothing to fall back on. Definitely be proud of your son, but help him weigh his opportunities properly.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

LOL...I just read an article about empty nest syndromeand how it is happening more andmore and the columnist wrote about how people are devastated when their kids leave home and she is thinking wow maybe I should have had listless loser kids that never left home instead of kids who wanted to spread their wings and explore opportunities.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> The only thing that gives me pause about this is that he would have to drop out of the university. Check with the school but it's usually quite hard to continue work on a degree after you drop out. A college education is also a very good opportunity and if the flying in Alaska thing doesn't work out, he'd have nothing to fall back on. Definitely be proud of your son, but help him weigh his opportunities properly.


He is only part time and has only taken about 3 courses.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

highwood said:


> He is only part time and has only taken about 3 courses.


Oh sorry, then it looks as though he's done the right thing. Definitely be proud of him in this opportunity and although it will be hard to not see him as regularly and worry about him being in the arctic, part of the responsibility of a parent is to learn to let go of them when the time comes. I know how hard it's been for me to see the kids go one by one to the university, but I've been so happy to see them grow up and get the opportunities they have.


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

highwood said:


> Hi, he is 26. not irresponsible...I don't think it is a bad decision...just worried that it might not turn out well as it is pretty desolate up there...plus a part of me worried about the flyng thing too...I mean I know flying is safer than driving but still...and the abscense thing...he did move out about a year and a half ago for one year then moved back but at least whenhemoved out it was local and we saw him on average once a week or so.


He is an adult and is almost literally looking to spread his wings. It is not your job anymore to support him financially or emotionally. If you are going to miss him, then gently suggest that you'd love it if he shared the experience with you. Celebrate his life. 



jb02157 said:


> The only thing that gives me pause about this is that he would have to drop out of the university. Check with the school but it's usually quite hard to continue work on a degree after you drop out. A college education is also a very good opportunity and if the flying in Alaska thing doesn't work out, he'd have nothing to fall back on. Definitely be proud of your son, but help him weigh his opportunities properly.


I'm actually more concerned that he would know that he would have someplace to fall back on. 

I "dropped out" of college twice. The first time was for two years and I did it to join the Navy. While there was some risk in it I came out with both money to continue college but also a greater feeling of self reliance as well as a greater appreciation of what my true gifts were. I also came away from it inspired by seeing the world and meeting/living with people with backgrounds different than my own. 

The second time was for a semester and it was for all the wrong reasons; a girl who had no self esteem and clung to me out of desperation. Fortunately, when I became useless to her I got dumped and rediscovered an appreciation for that which I had almost thrown away. It was rough at first and I admit that my mother helped - but she also soured the milk by charging me rent and kicking me off her insurance. It motivated me to go back to school where I also went from having a 2.0 GPA to being on the Dean's List my first semester back. 

I don't have any regrets about not completing college in 4 consecutive years. If I had to do it all over again, I'd have just kept my pants on and focused on doing what I loved without any fear of being dissuaded by others. 

BTW, I am also a worrier - but in my case I worry about my mother who is now elderly and lives alone far away from where we both hail from. It's a natural thing but sometimes you need to look for the good in things to gain a clearer perspective.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I know I hate that I am a worrier....Plus I tend to think so negatively.

I am trying to train my brain to think of something positive whenever I start thinking those negative anxious thoughts.

My sister says he is a smart kid he knows what he is doing....don't project your worries onto him.


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

highwood said:


> I know I hate that I am a worrier....Plus I tend to think so negatively.
> 
> I am trying to train my brain to think of something positive whenever I start thinking those negative anxious thoughts.
> 
> My sister says he is a smart kid he knows what he is doing....don't project your worries onto him.


Then practice empathy but also be selfish in another way. Don't define your existence by being a "parent" if that's not your job anymore. Instead, reflect on the qualities that you and your son share and explore them by having your own experiences. Imagine what it would be like for you to do something risky and how exciting it could be. Don't just sit and worry. DO something for yourself, then share it with your son the next time you get together. 

For example, years after I'd been in the Navy and graduated college, got married, bought a house, had a family, etc. my mother began to travel. I think that by describing what I'd seen it made her want to see it for herself too. I'd always regretted that I hadn't taken enough photos of my grandfather's native country of Italy. She did one better by taking LOTS of pictures (not only of my grandfather's village but also cities that I hadn't been able to visit) and even brought back some volcanic rock from Pompeii.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Someone told me I should take a trip up to see the arctic and see where he is...they said you have this opportunity why not....apparently the scenery is fabulous.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Can't wait for this day to be over....just dropped pup off at vet for dental cleaning and possible extraction of a tooth or two so be glad when he is back home.

Son leaves today....too much going on today.

I will be happy tomorrow when hopefully I can start to distress a little. My sleep has been horrible over the last 5 nights.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Okay analyze me.....

SOn just recently came back for a short visit. Strange thing is after he initially moved out I got used to him being away quite quickly and when he came back for a visit, all my anxiety and sadness about him moving out came back. It was like it is easier to feel better when he is away then when he comes back for a visit, is that strange or am I just weird It bugs me because instead of enjoying the visit I found myself with my anxiety building up again knowing that he will leave again.

I think the reason I act like this is because I can be a negative/worrier type person.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Too much focus on the future... stay mindful with the present because of all your worries, the majority of them are made up and you are wasting energy stressing about them for absolutely no reason instead of enjoying his presence.

One of the tools I used when I felt the need to control and reacted to the anxiety but had to let go was a countdown tool... 3 positive things I could see in the situation that had nothing to do with me, 2 positive ways I could express it, 1 positive way I could compliment it, not influence.

Then breathe...


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

congrats on raising a fine young man! living life taking calculated risks. Hows his new copilot job going and did he meet some Alaskan women up there? you need to fly up and visit him and the beautiful state of Alaska.

your son is living the dream!


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Too much focus on the future... stay mindful with the present because of all your worries, the majority of them are made up and you are wasting energy stressing about them for absolutely no reason instead of enjoying his presence.
> 
> One of the tools I used when I felt the need to control and reacted to the anxiety but had to let go was a countdown tool... 3 positive things I could see in the situation that had nothing to do with me, 2 positive ways I could express it, 1 positive way I could compliment it, not influence.
> 
> Then breathe...


Awesome...do you mind giving me an example of this Excellent advice!


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

The silly thing is I know once he leaves to go back to work I will be fine....I know that logically but I still feel this heightened sense of anxiety.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

highwood said:


> So son has accepted a co-pilot position way up in the arctic...in front of him I am happy for him but inside I am worried, anxious, scared, etc....I have not been sleepingvery much and my stomach is in knots.
> 
> I want to snap out of this but cannot seem to...I hold it together in front of him but inside I am a hot mess
> 
> ...


I'm not a pilot, there are a few on here, but I'm in the aviation industry.

It's great that he has a position but he needs to get his degree. Maybe he can do a low residency program. He'll have loads of time sitting doing nothing between trips to study, or take on-line classes, and he can take vacation for the residential periods.

Pilot may sound like a secure and eventually high paying job but there are a million ways to lose your medical. I met one guy who was flying for Delta and got food poisoning on a layover. When he recovered he had developed diabetes and that was the end of his commercial aviation career. You can get a PPL medical with controlled diabetes but not the Class 3 needed for a commercial licence. One of my friends was disabled out due to ear problems and another an eye issue. It doesn't take much and he needs to have a backup plan. Don't let anyone tell him "Oh that won't happen".

However by 26 he really needs to spread his wings (no pun intended) and I'm afraid part of being a parent is letting go knowing that you gave them the best start possible.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

highwood said:


> Awesome...do you mind giving me an example of this Excellent advice!


Sure, 

Your son is happy.
You son is well trained and people believe in him.
Your son has a productive and grounded (life) focus.

Expressed by practicing that feelings come and go, make a conscious effort to not park them.
Expressed by kindly sharing his success with others (not in a bragging way).

Complimented by thinking about his needs in his job (extra flight-suit accessory not provided, pre-paid phone/data or cover the next 6 months, think about how he relaxes and offer him some gym or activity membership for his area).

Of course, I do not know your son like you do so add to/take away what you wish!


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I sure understand the mix of emotions as a mom....we want to be happy for them but we have all these concerns and worries.....don't you wish it could just stop?? Ugh! I raised 5 kids, last is still at home and with each one I have had the same feelings over something. I think you might feel more settled once you can hear he is doing well. Continue to wish him well, continue to be support and continue to deal with your own issues yourself, or with your spouse/partner/friends.


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