# Is it possible to be separated and successfully get back together?



## Confused99 (Jul 29, 2010)

I'm not sure if I'm having a life crisis or what...but I got engaged at 18...married by 19...and now my husband and I are "taking a break to work on ourselves" and I feel like a teenager. I've basically been going around doing things I want to do for myself without necessarily considering adult responsibilities and consequences. I have been traveling around and having fun, but now my husband is insisting that I come back. I'm not sure what he expected from this break, because he said he wanted us to come back together when we both felt ready. On my end, I think we've gotten nowhere. He's only gone to one counseling session and the two of us haven't had a long serious conversation about how things are going to change when I get back. We also haven't been relating too much while I've been away- he doesn't call me and he occassionally sends me a text message. I don't really feel a great passion between us and burning longing to be reunited. The original plan was for me to return in January after spending the holidays with my family and now I'm also a little resentful that he's abruptly rushing me to return.
Part of me wants to continue enjoying myself, but the other part wants me to give up the fantasy and just go back to being a serious married adult who thinks about the future and not just today. I just don't know exactly how a separation is supposed to work- what should people be doing while separated in order to salvage the situation and not drive the wedge between them deeper? Because I'm starting to feel like the latter has occurred.
Any thoughts?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Confused99 said:


> I've basically been going around doing things I want to do for myself without necessarily considering adult responsibilities and consequences.


What "things" are you doing? You say you aren't considering the consequences or responsibilities of these "things." Are you indulging in an EA or PA? I'm not accusing you, but would appreciate it if you could be a bit more specific.



Confused99 said:


> The original plan was for me to return in January after spending the holidays with my family


Whether he's keeping his side of the agreement or not, tell him you are sticking to the original plan. If he doesn't like it, just remind him he isn't exactly doing much to work on himself. Are you actually working on yourself by going to regular counseling sessions, or are you just enjoying your freedom?



Confused99 said:


> what should people be doing while separated in order to salvage the situation and not drive the wedge between them deeper?


If a couple wants to save their marriage, they both should be in IC, and taking it seriously, IMO. It doesn't sound like you or hubs are doing that. Maybe this separation should be permanent rather than temporary. Don't go back because you feel obligated; go back because you sincerely want to be with your husband and work on your marriage.


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## Confused99 (Jul 29, 2010)

By responsibility I just mean considering others and considering finances, etc. Normally, I am very strict to our family budget. Since being away, I've been going out with friends to eat, watch movies, etc. and not really focusing on how much money is being put into the savings account each month. Just been living more for today versus when I'm with my husband we're always trying to be practical- in every sense. What we eat, what we wear, where we go. On my "break" I've gone to a party, wore cute outfits that maybe weren't as conservative as the usual, been eating take out, etc. Consequentially for the last part, my acid reflux has been terrible and I've had to go to the doctor and get back on meds. For other things, we probably could've used the money to pay off old school loans etc but I was enjoying myself. As far as considering others, I have caught up with old friends and I'm not sure what impression they have of my relationship status but I didn't worry myself with what they thought. If someone thinks they have a chance with me that is really on them because they are a grown adult and should know that this isn't the time to pursue me even if I was making this split permanent. 
I sincerely planned on seeing a counselor, but I had difficult with the insurance. I am in a different part of the country and had to switch the region for my insurance provider. I found a therapist that accepts my insurance and when I called to make an appointment was told the first available appointment is two months out. So I havent been avoiding therapy by choice, it's just difficult to do while away from home. I was, however, seeing an IC back home for the past year and a half, while he was not. 
I would say right now I am enjoying my freedom, but I realize that this temporary. Obviously I have to settle down eventually and go back to work and be responsible- I can't be traveling/visiting on vacation forever. I just don't feel like the transition to going back home is going to be smooth because we haven't been working on our relationship. I've tried to contact him and to talk about how Im feeling but he hasn't been responding or discussing the issue. In fact, he almost completely ignored me until he randomly insisted I return sooner. I had hoped more for him saying he misses me and cant stand to be apart versus a demand to come back. So I have mixed feelings right now


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Confused99 said:


> I just don't feel like the transition to going back home is going to be smooth because we haven't been working on our relationship. I've tried to contact him and to talk about how Im feeling but he hasn't been responding or discussing the issue. In fact, he almost completely ignored me until he randomly insisted I return sooner.


From what you are saying, I assume you are not working, but just hanging out with friends, renewing old friendships, and enjoying yourself. JMO, but I wouldn't go back to someone who has such a tepid, almost indifferent response, to my leaving. In fact, I am married to just such a man. It's been over two years, and at this point I don't foresee ever going back. Why? He didn't want to expend the effort to make the marriage work. I don't need or want to live with someone so emotionally constipated that it's like pulling teeth to get anything remotely resembling an honest, heartfelt response.

In fact, my estranged husband avoids honesty about life in general. He's not a compulsive liar, but he appears to be pathologically avoidant when it comes to allowing himself to have feelings. Meh! I have better ways to spend my life than watching a slow-motion trainwreck like that.

You might want to seriously consider getting a job where you are now. It sounds like going back to him would have all the excitement and spark of repairing the kitchen faucet.


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