# Need Help---Long post



## rosado09 (Oct 27, 2009)

So here is my issue. Just want to “talk” it out here on the message boards to get some advice and feedback. I think I have already answered some of my own questions, but here goes
Background:
I’m 36 and my husband is 49. I met him at 18, together 2 years and then we had our son, got married 6 years later and then had our daughter. He was very attentive and affectionate to me in the beginning, I was a college student focused on my studies and very driven. He provided the one thing that I thought I needed from a man, emotional security. I always felt that I didn’t need a man to give me money; I was never the kind of woman who needed a man to feel complete. But he did show me a lot of affection and love and I felt good to know that I didn’t have to go through all of the boyfriend drama that friends my age were going through with their younger boyfriends. 
Once I got pregnant, we started living together like a married couple, though the wedding didn’t come until a few years later. I believe, today, that I was never in love with him the way a man and woman should be, but I did make the conscious decision to stay together and make it work since we now shared a child. He had proposed marriage a few times over the years but I had said no because I was focused on grad school and that I didn’t feel ready for that kind of commitment (I know it sounds crazy since we were living together and shared a child) I had always kept my feeling to myself, though he knew the feelings weren’t there because our sex life has been lacking since 1998. Problem is he’s ok with me not participating or even enjoying it and I just let things happen so I can get to sleep faster. Twisted, I know.

Eventually, I decided that we might as well do it, and so I finally agreed and we got married 8 years into our relationship. Our daughter came soon after. At this point, I felt like my fate was sealed and I would make any sacrifices needed for the good of the family. There have been good times and bad times, like any other marriage. 
Problems really started when we had to move for my job from one state to another in 2002. In the new state he wasn’t able to find a job comparable to what he had left so he decided to give college another try to become better qualified. Now, he first started college in 1997, one year after I had already graduated, and has since gone off and on, switched schools 5x and majors 4x from that time until now. He still hasn’t earned enough credits for a 2year degree! So of course, he still can’t find a job that he would be proud to have. He says he can’t work for $8 per hour and he just chooses not to work at all. He hasn’t had a real job since 2002. Instead of working on himself to become more marketable, he just blames me and my job for moving him out of state and leaving his previous job. It’s been 8 years. How long am I supposed to take the blame? You would think this means he takes care of the home and the kids. Nope. He spends more time smoking and drinking during the day. There was even a time last year when he would go to the casino alone and spend$400 on a weekday afternoon.
Last fall, when he dropped out of school, yet again and he was drinking and gambling more. I had had enough. We had a big blowout and I told him I was through. Because I was only staying for the kids anyway and he was messing up big time and not even that involved with the kids. He said he was sorry and would do better but he did nothing. It wasn’t until I told him that I wouldn’t have sex with him anymore, did he really see how serious I was and started talking about changing. We’ve been to a marriage counselor in Jan and Feb and at the end of it all she said she didn’t see why were still together and that we were only fooling ourselves. When he heard this, he refused to go back to her. Our current counselor pretty much agrees. In January he enrolled in a real estate course and completed it in April. He failed the license exam once already and is scheduled to retake it this week. He didn’t study for it like he was supposed to the first time and failed and still isn’t studying for the 2nd time. Now at this point a lot of people would say, “What are you staying around for?”
This is where it gets dicey. Through all the years we’ve been together he has always been an affectionate, touchy-feely type of guy. Guess that’s what roped me in the beginning. If we argue from 9am to 5pm and then are intimate that night, all of our discussions go out the window. I think he uses intimacy, hugs and kisses to fix problems. I have never been the kind of woman who craved that much physical touching. Of course, I want to know that my partner loves me, but I really value, companionship, intelligence, mental and emotional strength. Anyone on the outside looking in would think we are the perfect couple, but those in the know, mostly his own family knows better. They know about his smoking and drinking problem and being out of work for years. His parents have asked him to be better with our kids and his dad encouraged him to get work. He always has some excuse of no one will hire a 49yr old man with no college degree and no real work experience. 
So now that he knows how serious I am and how our marriage is hanging by a thread, his approach has been to kill me with kindness. His hugging and kissing has been amplified, he went all out for Mother’s day, etc. The problem for me is that none of this change how I feel, nor does it fix the problem of his lack of responsibility, drive and ambition. It doesn’t improve his relationship with his kids. But what it does is makes me feel guilty for being honest and being a realist. How can I be mean to him if he offers to make me breakfast and wash my car? I can’t. But I’m still upset that he won’t contribute to the household and family dynamic monetarily or not. 
We have discussed divorce and his opinion will change like the weather. Most days he says he loves me and could never live without me, even mentioned suicide, off-handedly if I ever left him. Now I’m definitely feeling more and more like he’s manipulating me. Other days, he says he gets it and is willing to leave (this usually comes after me refusing to have sex). He even told me to get a lawyer if I don’t want to have sex, then we shouldn’t be married.
Sooooooo, I’ve made the mental decision that I’m done but I don’t want to leave him with nothing. So I’m kinda waiting on him to pass his real estate license exam and then give him a few months after that to get a job and get on his feet. Though I feel like our marriage is dead, I don’t dislike him and only want the best for him. We have been together for a long time so I feel like I owe him this much. I do carry a lot of guilt. I’ve told him this and he says he knows my feelings but by the same token he still wants to be touchy feely (even more than usual) and make plans for how we will use our basement (which is under construction) in the next few years. I don’t get him. He’s even said he is going back to our original state to get his old job back (from 2002) just to leave me alone, but then he makes plans for our house and garden for the next 2 years. Is it that he doesn’t hear me or is this some mastermind tactic? 
My question is, should I be firmer with him? Maybe I could move into our guest room? It seems he doesn’t respond to my words, only my actions. Those are the only times when I think he gets it. I don’t want to be mean and cold with him, but I feel like he forces me to that limit. Our counselor says I shouldn’t take on responsibility of taking care of him when he doesn’t even do anything to take care of himself. It’s just hard for me to be so mean and cold to him, but I’m starting to feel like its necessary or I’ll be stuck in this limbo forever. 
I’ll take any advice or insight you guys can offer.
M.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

He will have no incentive to do what needs to be done if he knows (as he seems to) that you won't leave him "until he gets back on his feet." Why would he even want to get back on his feet, then, b/c it will only mean that you can leave?

The casual reference to suicide is both frightening and pathetic. He needs help, but probably not from you. He is putting all the responsibility for his life on you--from money issues to actual existence--and that is just so wrong. I was in a relationship somewhat like that (not the money part) and it is suffocating. You cannot live someone else's life for them, and no adult even wants another person to do so. 

He sounds very, very immature and may have other issues. Have you talked about this in marriage counseling? Have you mentioned to the therapist that he threatened suicide (that's what it was, when he "off-handedly" mentioned suicide, an implied threat)? You need to confront this, preferably with the therapist who will take whatever action seems appropriate. Such a threat is emotional blackmail, nothing less. Don't let him do that to you. Good luck and God bless.


----------



## rosado09 (Oct 27, 2009)

Thanks for the reply. I did mention his "suicide comment" to our therapist and she said there are 2 categories of people who say this. One is serious and if you truly believe them, then you should refer them for professional help immediately. The other group only says this for attention or manipulation. She (and I ) believe he is in the latter category. She told me to tell him "that if that's how you really feel, then you gotta do what you gotta do and I gotta do what I gotta do."
If I dont take a stance, he can use this over me forever. She said I need to call his bluff and let him know that this tactic doesnt work. She had planned to discuss this with him in IC but that's when he refused to see her again so she never got the chance.
I know I have to take the necessary steps. I plan to talk to him soon and maybe move out of our bedroom into our guest room. I'm tired of teetering on this line of wanting to be free but not wanting to hurt him. I think I'd rather have the big blowup then pickup the pieces and move forward. Rather than this "poking and stopping" It keeps the wound open and raw.


----------



## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

My first feeling in reading your post, Rosado, is that you should seek out a different counsellor. You both went to see one together because you wanted help and wanted to stay together. No counsellor should be telling two people who have come together that they should give up, especially not after two months! Trust your deeper feelings! There is a counsellor out there who will help you sort through your issues, together and separately and who will genuinely want you to succeed as a couple.

My husband also used to say " I can't live without you!" when I suggested we were heading towards a break-up. I felt like it was manipulative, too, and a really dramatic way of expressing his feelings. In the two and a half years since that time we have been through hell, and both of us have questioned our committment. We are still questioning. But I know that he loves me, and that I love him, and I feel like I can't walk away when I know what lies under all the issues. We all have issues, but at the heart of things, we all want to be loved. Learning how to love and be loved is a life's work, I think.

I also highly recommend Gary Chapman's Five Languages of Love - you mention that he is a really physical person and you are not; and that you are a real go-getter and he seems not to be. We all have different ways of showing and needing love, and when there's a mismatch it's most often not intentional, and can be corrected with a bit of care. You both still obviously have that for each other.

All the best, and keep your heart open!


----------



## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Let me cut in if you will...Married 17yrs,together 18yrs, met wife when she was 18 I was 29...she a little more mature than your typical 18yr old me a little more immature..had first child 4 yrs later 2nd 1 1/2 yrs after...wife told me 3 mos ago she was unhappy so she moved out (1 block from where I work)..Not sure if there is someone else (but probably)...anyhow..her getting married at a young age really started to bother her the older she got (36 now)...sometimes separation is a wake up call but most times it goes the other way...my wife is even more moody now while I am becoming the fun good guy I used to be...if your heart isn't in it and he can't see your feelings for whatever reason then there is nothing wrong with separating...what's the worst that could happen that isn't making you miserable already?


----------

