# Need a Reality Dose.



## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I will try to be as brief as possible. I'm looking for some advice from a man's perspective. Feel free to be as blunt as you would like.

I am 22 years old. I was active duty military stationed in Texas. I was in school to be a nurse when I met my H. We got married (Dec 2007) a very short time after we met. The first two months were fine. He was working, we got an apartment, and I was almost done with my schooling for the army. Then about 3 months into the marriage I found out I was pregnant. I was really scared and nervous. H was very excited ( had been married before and had a 5 year old daughter who he never saw...found out later it was bc he never paid child support) I didn't "carry" very well. It was a difficult pregnancy. I won't go into the details but I couldn't keep anything down and the hours that I was working in the army were very long and I was very tired it seemed all the time. I started getting *****y I'm sure. I know I picked fights that weren't even a big deal. He stopped working. That just added to my stress level. I was now the sole responsible one for all the bills. On top of that he wanted to go out all the time. He wanted me to come with him but like I said I was usually to tired. And when he would come home I would pick fights. We split up so many times throughout that pregnancy but we always got back together. I also found out that he had another woman pregnant. He had a girlfriend when he met me and one month into the marriage she called him up and said that she was three months pregnant. So that didn't help anthing either. My self esteem went down fast. I always have been in good shape and I was one of those woman who didnt really like gaining that pregnancy belly. So I know my low self esteem contributed to a lot of the fights. I then got stationed to another base in texas, the opposite side. And thats when things got really bad. The fights got even worse, by this time I was 8 months pregnant and he still wasn't working and one of his friends moved out with us..so I basically felt like I was taking care of two grown ass men. I was still working in an army hospital. I started to pay his child support bc he would have gone to jail. Nov 2008 I had a son. We vowed to each other that we will stop fighting and start working on our marriage. Yea that didn't last long. The fights got even worse. We fought about everything. Money, the fact he didn't work, my jealousy of it seemed everything. Him thinking I was cheating on him at work. Yea it was pretty bad. In Jan 2009 I found out I was pregnant again (yea I know) The next month he left and I haven't seen him since. He took 2500 dollars from me, my dog and didn't contact me until August. And it was actually me who called him to let him know our son ( who at the time was 9 months old) had a hearing problem. In August he talked about getting back together and like a fool I believed him. He said he would work and help me out financially.
He kept this up until October when once again he stopped calling and I have yet to see any money from him. My son will be turning one this Friday. My H last saw him when he was 3 months old. I had my daughter in Sept. She is now 2 months old, he has never even met her. He doesn't call, doesn't text, doesn't send any money.

I guess my question is...I know I should let it go and move on and in a sense I have. I filed for a divorce in may of this year and I just received the papers last week and signed them...don't know if he has signed them yet. I just want to know if I have myself to blame for the failing of my marriage. I feel like the blame rests on my shoulders. I know I nagged and was jealous but I did tell him when he called in Aug that I know that was something that I needed to work on and I am going to conseling for that. There was some stuff I left out. Isolated episodes of abuse from him to me. He did tell me in Aug when he called that he had another short relationship right after he left in Feb.

I just feel guilty in way. I analyze what happened and I feel if I had handled myself differently, if I had more self esteem about myself...the marriage could have lasted. Now I look at these two children whose dad lives now over 3000 miles away and who doesn't see them or call for them. 

I would be lying to you if a small part of me didn't want my H and I to work out but I really don't know what else to do. The truth is I was the one who worked during our marriage, carried two children back to back, had to deal with the fact that he had two other children, paid all the bills. I'm not saying I had an excuse to act that way, but I do feel like he could have cut me some slack.

My questions are: Do I have myself to blame for my marriage failing? What can I do to make sure that jealousy does not get the best of me in a poss future relationship? What should I expect now of my soon to be x H? And is there even hope for me to someday have a future relationship. I'm 22 with 2 children, 2 very young children....I don't know if there really is men that want a young woman with 2 kids.

I'm sorry that this wasn't very brief. Any comments, suggestions, remarks would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Ash22 said:


> . In Jan 2009 I found out I was pregnant again (yea I know) The next month he left and I haven't seen him since. He took 2500 dollars from me, my dog and didn't contact me until August. And it was actually me who called him to let him know our son ( who at the time was 9 months old) had a hearing problem. In August he talked about getting back together and like a fool I believed him. He said he would work and help me out financially.
> He kept this up until October when once again he stopped calling and I have yet to see any money from him. My son will be turning one this Friday. My H last saw him when he was 3 months old. I had my daughter in Sept. She is now 2 months old, he has never even met her. He doesn't call, doesn't text, doesn't send any money.


Sounds to me like he was not the right guy to be married to.
Sometimes things seem so painful, but its actually later going to be obvious, your being blessed. In this case, could be your better off without him.



Ash22 said:


> ? What should I expect now of my soon to be x H?
> 
> Thanks


You should really look into getting some child support going, he does have obligations to his kids even if he doesn't want to be married to you or in their lives.


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## FLgirl (Nov 7, 2009)

hmmm... I'm not a guy, but I hope you don't mind my 2 cents.

I agree noone is going to look after your kids but you. Make sure you take care of getting child support ordered and run through the court system so that if he is working anywhere in the US they will doc his pay and send it to you directly. If you go see legal on post they could help you set that up. 

As far as your responsibility... I would first say that every women even in the very best of circumstances is a B during preganacy. He should have been understnading of that. It sounds like you have every reason to feel insecure and jeolous. I mean having a pregnant ex and his breaking up with you on and off does not instill secure feelings does it? 

I know you probably want to make sence of this and probably need to feel like you had some part in the reasons behind the divorce. Maybe it wasn't really your fault. Maybe he was just the wrong guy. Maybe the fault was just about getting caught up in the begining and getting married too fast. You can't beat yourself up for taking a chance on love. You have two blessing from him. Your kids are probably the best thing he could have left you with. 

I tend to take responsibility for others and their issues because I want a sence of control. I want to believe I could have changed things and that I could avoid negativity happening again. But, to be honest, I don't see that you have much blame here. The only thing you can change is to be a little choosier and take your time the next time you get involved with someone.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Thanks to both of you for your replies...and no it doesn't matter whether your male or female I appreciate comments from both sides. I guess I just want to be able to see my situation a little clearer, so any outside thoughts are appreciated.


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