# Should I tell this fact to husband?



## shrutib (Dec 8, 2009)

I am India. I am 45 years old. Last month I went to my hometown (Mothers home) for vacation. As my husband and daughter was not having leaves i went alone. From there i went to other place, to my friends house with her husband, as he was there for some work. As traveling distance was around 500km we started in morning.
But after going half the distance, there was some major issue on road (Landsliding). After which it was difficult for him to drive and reach Mumbai. So we decided to stay there as there was no option. We informed home this thing and told that we are staying at his friends house and no need to worry. But actually we stayed in one hotel that day, where I have seen one family (husband and wife) who knows me. I am not sure whether they have seen me. So, should I tell the fact to husband?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Did anything happen between you and the friend's husband? 

I don't see why you wouldn't share the details of your very difficult trip with your husband.There's no reason to hide things from him right?


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## alton (Jul 18, 2012)

Why lie in the first place if it was innocent?


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

alton said:


> Why lie in the first place if it was innocent?


Yep...why lie at all?


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Not clear from what you wrote. You and the other guy slept in a hotel for one night. Separate rooms, right? Nothing inappropriate happened, right? 

Tell your H the truth. You don't want him to find out from someone else later.


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## shrutib (Dec 8, 2009)

i did not tell it to anybody. Actually my family (Husband and inlaws) is very traditional. So much traditions are followed in our house. As we stay in city, my husband is not that much traditional. But he is little short tempered. Thats why i am worried how they will take this. So when we decided we thought we will not tell it to home so that they will not worry. So we told we are staying at his friends house. Also the family which i met is not much closer to us, but they know us.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

alton said:


> Why lie in the first place if it was innocent?


It would be worse if you lied or he found out later right??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

if your husband has a short temper,imagine how upset he'll be to know you've kept something from him? even though it was totally innocent,he needs to know this from YOU and not from someone else. gossip has a way of traveling fast,by the time the story reaches him it could be TOTALLY wrong and untrue.


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## alton (Jul 18, 2012)

In that case I'd say just tell him and say you lied so that people don't start talking.


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## shrutib (Dec 8, 2009)

I thought its will be difficult for them to listen. And nobody will come to know. They are very traditional. Saree is the only dress which ladies wear in our house. The only problem was the people who know me was in same hotel. I dont know whether they saw me and recognized me.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Lesson to you... Don't lie. 

Now if you tell him he will think that its possible something was going on because you lied and are only confessing because you were seen. If you don't tell him and that family says something you're royally screwed. 

So, although it will be hard you really can't risk not telling him.


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## shrutib (Dec 8, 2009)

No, We did not stay in different rooms. That is again a problem.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

seems everyone here is saying it's best to tell him.

you need to decide if you're going to listen to good advice or be secretive possibly causing a rift in your marriage.


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## shrutib (Dec 8, 2009)

Yes. But telling about hotel is too difficult for me. How to tell it?


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

shrutib said:


> Yes. But telling about hotel is too difficult for me. How to tell it?


No easy way, but it's best that he learns this from you. Just sit him down, and tell him the facts. 

Does this other guy's wife know that you slept in the same room? You don't want her to find out, get angry, and place a call to your H...before you tell him.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

"Hey honey,my trip was horrible and full of difficulties.i had to stay in a hotel room with our friends husband.I didn't know what else to do being in that situation."


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## shrutib (Dec 8, 2009)

No She does not know about it. Only thing is we met one family there who know me. I dont know whether they saw me or recognize me. But they were there in same hotel.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

My question is, if you didn't do anything, then why are you so concerned with some familiar face seeing you? I really have to be blunt here. If you want your spouses trust and respect then you shouldn't put yourself in a posistion that could appear decietful. Traditional or not its best you tell your husband about it. You owe it to him to be upfront and honest. That's my take on this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

shrutib said:


> I thought its will be difficult for them to listen. And nobody will come to know. They are very traditional. Saree is the only dress which ladies wear in our house. The only problem was the people who know me was in same hotel. I dont know whether they saw me and recognized me.


shruti, what did you do? Did you have sex with him?


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Did you have sex with this guy? If not why are you so afraid of your husband that you lied to begin with? Is he physically violent?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

If you tell him, he'll likely get angry for a while and forget about it.

But if he hears it from someone else that you spent the night at a hotel, obviously alot of bad things are going to go through his head on what you may have done, even if you haven't. Would he believe your explanation after that? I doubt it.


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## shrutib (Dec 8, 2009)

Yesterday night i tried. But i dont get that courage to tell him this. Is it ok if i tell him that we stayed seperately and not in same room?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Once again if he hears you stayed in the same room from someone else how is he going to react?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## shrutib (Dec 8, 2009)

I dont think those people know that we have stayed in same room. They met me in hotel. Also I dont know whether they recognized me, as I have seen them at night. Next day morning when i saw them they were checking out, I think.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Just consider all possibilities before opening up to your husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## shrutib (Dec 8, 2009)

Thats why I am thinking if I can hide that we stayed in same room. Also i was thinking that I will tell we went to hotel to check that option. Since there was no seperate rooms available we contacted his (friends husband's) friend and stayed at his house.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

You stayed in the same room? Now, how are you going to explain that one? Why did you do that? Coming from a traditional family you know what this means don't you?



> If you tell him, he'll likely get angry for a while and forget about it.


No he won't. I had a female indian student and i learned quite a bit about their traditional way of doing this. The op is in for some serious hard time, and believe me, when she says he has "a temper" she doesn't mean angry shouting is the worse it can happen.


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## shrutib (Dec 8, 2009)

Yes. Its not easy to tell him and explain. There will no chance to give explanation. Thats why I thought I will that we went there to check, but no seperate rooms avaialble we left and stayed at some other place. That too, if he asks.


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## shrutib (Dec 8, 2009)

Where we stayed that was town area, not big city. So less options. So in that situation we both had taken that decision and also decided that we will tell we stayed at his friends place. But I saw that family and got confused. Also both families have good relations with each other as we stay at each others place. Thats why I went with him.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I still don't see where you answer whether or not you had sex or fooled around with the guy.


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## shrutib (Dec 8, 2009)

Not really. But I tried to enjoy freedom somewhat. I was not the same who is at home when with family.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

not really? ok you either had sex with him or you didn't. you either messed around with him or you didn't.

straight answers are helpful.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

shrutib said:


> Not really. But I tried to enjoy freedom somewhat. I was not the same who is at home when with family.


You're going to trickle truth this for the next 20 pages? There is no "not really" and I guess that explains why the guy's wife doesn't know about the two of you sleeping in the same room.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

WHY do people feel the need to trickle truth total strangers?? just spit it out so we can TRY to help you.


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## shrutib (Dec 8, 2009)

Yes. messed around.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Messed around...NOTHING else?? Define messed around.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> WHY do people feel the need to trickle truth total strangers??


Because it's part of self-image. Most people like to be seen as rightful, even by strangers, in an anonymous way.



> Yes. messed around.


So, this means you had sex? (this is what your husband is going to ask you, if he doesn't beat the crap out of you first).


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## shrutib (Dec 8, 2009)

No we did not. But we had chat late night. Also went out for walk after dinner.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

With this latest revelation - are you really here to have us help you construct a stronger lie to help you tell your husband to cover up for you cheating with this other man?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Did you kiss ?

Did you see each other naked?


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## shrutib (Dec 8, 2009)

I accept my mistake. Please suggest me something.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

ANSWER THE QUESTIONS...Please 

1.did you kiss?
2.did you see each other naked?
3.did you have oral sex?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

shrutib, just tell us exactly how far it went so that we may know what we are dealing with. I know you're embarassed, giving your upbringing and all but it's important because advice depends on it. Nobody here knows you and this has no consequences.

Also, i ask the people about to give advice to have in mind that we are dealing with a specific culture. It's unlikely that this event will result in the male blaming himself and have guilt trip and try to R at all costs like it seems to be common in many western countries.

Over there, infidelity is some heavy serious business that revolves around beatings and honor killings. So have this in mind.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

shrutib said:


> I accept my mistake. Please suggest me something.


shruti, if you want help, you have to tell us what really happened. Don't expect people to help you construct a lie to tell your husband. The folks here might help you with the best way forward which you may or may not like.

So please answer the questions before people get bored and leave this thread. What exactly happened in the hotel room and outside?

No one here knows you, so you can be open about it here.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I'm curious to know if she feels dressing differently,going to dinner,and doing her hair differently constitute messing around.I feel like her definition of messing around is different from the typical.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I'm curious to know if she feels dressing differently,going to dinner,and doing her hair differently constitute messing around.I feel like her definition of messing around is different from the typical.


In India, among very traditional families in rural areas, an after dinner walk with a boy not your brother/dad might be considered "messing around". But then "messing around" is not a phrase that is used there, so shruti might not know exactly what we mean by "messing around" in the US.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

which is why the point blank questions were asked.

she isn't going to answer them.she already told me she can't answer.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> which is why the point blank questions were asked.
> 
> she isn't going to answer them.she already told me she can't answer.


She told you in private message or did I miss it?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> which is why the point blank questions were asked.
> 
> she isn't going to answer them.she already told me she can't answer.


Over PM? Maybe she feels better talking to a single woman ScarletBegonias, if you can help her out.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

yeah,via pm.

i'd love to try to help but I feel like she wants to hear that she shouldn't tell her husband,that she should just be remorseful and never do it again,that she didn't do anything wrong.

and maybe she shouldn't tell her husband if he's abusive toward her and extremely ill tempered. i don't know what advice to give if she can't be totally open.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> yeah,via pm.
> 
> i'd love to try to help but I feel like she wants to hear that she shouldn't tell her husband,that she should just be remorseful and never do it again,that she didn't do anything wrong.
> 
> and maybe she shouldn't tell her husband if he's abusive toward her and extremely ill tempered. i don't know what advice to give if she can't be totally open.


yes your doing great SB


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

From what i know about traditional India this whole situation will be physically dangerous for everyone involved. I value honesty but i am reluctant to give advice that may lead to someone getting a huge beating or getting killed. I'm a bit lost for words...


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

costa200 said:


> From what i know about traditional India this whole situation will be physically dangerous for everyone involved. I value honesty but i am reluctant to give advice that may lead to someone getting a huge beating or getting killed. I'm a bit lost for words...


exactly.  i always think the WS should tell the BS the full truth but in this case I really just don't know what to tell her.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

costa200 said:


> From what i know about traditional India this whole situation will be physically dangerous for everyone involved. I value honesty but i am reluctant to give advice that may lead to someone getting a huge beating or getting killed. I'm a bit lost for words...


yes one never knows about other cultures and traditions what we consider being honest could be why she is so scared ie above post


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> exactly.  i always think the WW spouse should tell the BS the full truth but in this case I really just don't know what to tell her.


In this case, with the possibility of violence, I think she should go with her plan of hiding it. Along those lines, she should stop posting anything about it. Her H may be snooping her...and that would not be a good way for him to learn about this. Sad situation.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> yeah,via pm.
> 
> i'd love to try to help but I feel like she wants to hear that she shouldn't tell her husband,that she should just be remorseful and never do it again,that she didn't do anything wrong.
> 
> and maybe she shouldn't tell her husband if he's abusive toward her and extremely ill tempered. i don't know what advice to give if she can't be totally open.


I agree with SB and maybe shruti. She should *NOT *tell her husband. Indian guys are not very forgiving about their wives doing this kind of thing and from a past post, she said that he can get violent. Some years ago, she had posted that her husband got mad when she wore a sleeveless blouse in public. That leads me to think that the family is very conservative. Honor killing is not a probability, so I am not worried about that. That is very rare in India though the news agencies try to make is feel like it is common. It is no different from what happens here when men shoot their ex girlfriends in a jealous rage. But he might ill-treat her after that. 

There is no good to come out of being honest and telling just for the sake of being honest. There is a lot to lose for sure. The best option I think is just to try to forget about the whole thing, not put oneself in such a situation, and hope no one finds out.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

i was just thinking she should delete her threads here.you can never be too careful with this kind of man.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

She's obviously put herself in a tough spot.I would think knowing the possible severe consequences of being found out would be more of a deterrent to going down this road.Imo there must have been a strong prior emotional connection with the OM for her to make the choice she did.Like costa I also feel reluctance to say too much as I would never want to see her physically hurt or much worse.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

TBT said:


> She's obviously put herself in a tough spot.I would think knowing the possible severe consequences of being found out would be more of a deterrent to going down this road.Imo there must have been a strong prior emotional connection with the OM for her to make the choice she did.Like costa I also feel reluctance to say too much as I would never want to see her physically hurt or much worse.


what i got from her was she has no idea what happened to her to make her do whatever it is she did.
she's so focused on what she was wearing and how she did her hair and how different she was behaving.

she sounds confused about how she feels and sounds confused about what she may have done.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> i was just thinking she should delete her threads here.you can never be too careful with this kind of man.


The first thing is to change her handle. Shruti is a real Indian name. The b might be a last name.

Unless she was smart and gave a fake name.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

I just think its a shame that in a marriage one cannot go to the other and be honest without worry if that makes sense or threat of violence


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> what i got from her was she has no idea what happened to her to make her do whatever it is she did.
> she's so focused on what she was wearing and how she did her hair and how different she was behaving.
> 
> she sounds confused about how she feels and sounds confused about what she may have done.


So what she did was spend the night in the same room, maybe on a different bed, and take a walk with the other guy?

In smaller cities, the culture is conservative and it is not considered good for boys and girls to openly hang out and be friends. This is not the case in larger cities like Mumbai, New Delhi, Bangalore etc. She comes from a smaller city where these things still apply. But then humans being humans, we all have the same urges to break out of shackles. She probably felt the urge to do something bold but is now embarrassed.

Just don't tell the husband and don't do it again. 

Her husband will be pissed if he found out.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> she sounds confused about how she feels and sounds confused about what she may have done.


Maybe women in her society become so used to expectations and consequences that they stuff their emotions and feelings of attraction to other men out of hand.This could have just been a "perfect storm situation" where her emotions this time got the better of her.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

In_The_Wind said:


> I just think its a shame that in a marriage one cannot go to the other and be honest without worry if that makes sense or threat of violence


it's absolutely a shame.i agree.i wonder if her husband views her as his property as so many still do...


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> Her husband will be pissed if he found out.


Problem is he may find out by a third party. There is that possibility. Then it would be worse i think. 

She PMed me about this and out of respect i will not refer what was exchanged but her background is indeed very traditional.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> it's absolutely a shame.i agree.i wonder if her husband views her as his property as so many still do...


Her husband has not committed any violence yet. So why are we dishing on him?


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## shrutib (Dec 8, 2009)

Yes. Thats true. Fortunately, he has not come to know about it yet. If he comes to know there are very rare chances of he forgiving me. Also my daughter will suffer. THats why I am worried.


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

too often there is a "one size, fits all" response to situations like this. this case is a reminder to all of us to consider each situation individually before responding and I'm glad to see that most people recognized that here. 

Shrutib should definitely not tell her husband the truth. No good can come of it.


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

From a Karma perspective there is going to be result, now or later. 

The issue then becomes how to communicate this so the result is minimal and no one is hurt. This needs to be communicated in a way to reduce her husband's anger, leave no suspicion and try to keep his respect for her. Lying is too problematic and brings problems, so don't lie is clear. 

A proactive way of explaining her problem clearly, to help her, is something we all might be able to suggest? 

Are there people here with experience of infidelity or cheating (although I don't see it as that) who can suggest ways to manage communicating this with minimal reaction from her husband? In other words a communication plan for best results.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> The issue then becomes how to communicate this so the result is minimal and no one is hurt. This needs to be communicated in a way to reduce her husband's anger, leave no suspicion and try to keep his respect for her.


Henri, i've been taking to this woman by PM. Her area of origin in India is very traditional. This scenario you are describing will not happen. 

This is a situation very different from what we get in the west. This is not going to be a footnote on the marriage history. This is some serious stuff that can end up badly for everyone in it.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

People,
There is a cultural difference here.
You must try and understand what the OP is asking.
In their culture , marriages are arranged and the husband is like the " grand Ayatollah " of the house.
If her husband finds out,
She would be beaten and could be divorced and disowned by her family.
Even though nothing may have happened.

The fact is that someone else saw her in that hotel , so she is in a " catch 22 " situation.
And most likely they will " report" her.
In those societies the rules are different.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> In their culture , marriages are arranged and the husband is like the " grand Ayatollah " of the house.
> If her husband finds out,
> She would be beaten and could be divorced and disowned by her family.
> Even though nothing may have happened.


I suggest we leave out the silly stereotyping here. 
Most people in the US have no idea what "arranged marriage" really is. They have watched slanted shows like Oprah or some CNN show and believe that that's how things are done in India. Even in arranged marriages, there are so many variations that it is impossible to pin it down to a process. "Grand Ayotallah"? More Oprah watching. You are looking at 1960s data. These days both husband and wife work among the huge middle class and upper middle class and are financially well off. There is no "grand Ayotallah" concept that you talk about that is any different what what happens here in the US. She could get beaten or divorced, but that's more a function of her husband, rather than any cultural phenomenon.

Your stereotyping is just like if some Eastern person comes here and says that every man in the US is "trailer trash" gorging on McDonalds infected with STDs and every woman was an easy wh0re with baby-daddies.

You need to update your information.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

nirvana said:


> I suggest we leave out the silly stereotyping here.
> Most people in the US have no idea what "arranged marriage" really is. They have watched slanted shows like Oprah or some CNN show and believe that that's how things are done in India. Even in arranged marriages, there are so many variations that it is impossible to pin it down to a process. "Grand Ayotallah"? More Oprah watching. You are looking at 1960s data. These days both husband and wife work among the huge middle class and upper middle class and are financially well off. There is no "grand Ayotallah" concept that you talk about that is any different what what happens here in the US. She could get beaten or divorced, but that's more a function of her husband, rather than any cultural phenomenon.
> 
> Your stereotyping is just like if some Eastern person comes here and says that every man in the US is "trailer trash" gorging on McDonalds infected with STDs and every woman was an easy wh0re with baby-daddies.
> ...




No offence meant man. 
No stereotyping.
But my wife's parents are from INDIA, and I am from a region in the Caribbean where Indian cultural traditions run deep. Arranged marriages are still practised , and the women HAVE NO SAY.....In fact some of the largest Indian Corporations in the west are based HERE.
I personally know women who were disowned by their families because they being Hindu married a lover who was Muslim.Same race,just different religion.
Man, don't get me started..........
So that much of what the OP posted I can identify with.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> No offence meant man.
> No stereotyping.
> But my wife's parents are from INDIA, and I am from a region in the Caribbean where Indian cultural traditions run deep. Arranged marriages are still practised , and the women HAVE NO SAY.....In fact some of the largest Indian Corporations in the west are based HERE.
> I personally know women who were disowned by their families because they being Hindu married a lover who was Muslim.Same race,just different religion.
> ...


Ok.. 
Just something for you to know (you might know already)... the Indians who moved to South Africa and the West Indies were brought there as plantation workers more than a century ago, around 1890. These Indians clung on to their traditions and passed them on to their kids who passed them on to their kids without much change. While India itself has changed, the Indians who moved to South Africa and West Indies and Suriname etc still closely resemble the Indians of the 1890s. Check out the names they have - Ramkilawan, Deonarine, Ramgoolam. These are not names that are used in India today, these are century old names. So my point is the Indians in the West Indies are not really the same people as the Indians in India today although they are racially the same. 

The Indians you are talking about are the Indians you would meet if you had a time machine and went back to 1890. Does not make sense to brush everyone in India in the same way. Like I said, people have a skewed idea of what arranged marriage is. It is far more nuanced than what you read/hear about.


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Henri, i've been taking to this woman by PM. Her area of origin in India is very traditional. This scenario you are describing will not happen.
> 
> This is a situation very different from what we get in the west. This is not going to be a footnote on the marriage history. This is some serious stuff that can end up badly for everyone in it.


What are you suggesting to help her?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

nirvana said:


> I suggest we leave out the silly stereotyping here.
> Most people in the US have no idea what "arranged marriage" really is. They have watched slanted shows like Oprah or some CNN show and believe that that's how things are done in India. Even in arranged marriages, there are so many variations that it is impossible to pin it down to a process. "Grand Ayotallah"? More Oprah watching. You are looking at 1960s data. These days both husband and wife work among the huge middle class and upper middle class and are financially well off. There is no "grand Ayotallah" concept that you talk about that is any different what what happens here in the US.* She could get beaten or divorced, but that's more a function of her husband, rather than any cultural phenomenon.*
> 
> Your stereotyping is just like if some Eastern person comes here and says that every man in the US is "trailer trash" gorging on McDonalds infected with STDs and every woman was an easy wh0re with baby-daddies.
> ...


While you passionately defend arranged marriage, you assume that other posters here don't have a familiarity with it. Some of us do either through familial connection or living abroad for many years in South Asia or some other specialization (academic, career, etc.) You don't have a monopoly on special knowledge concerning India and arranged marriages. 

Domestic violence isn't treated the same way in India that it is in the US. That's not something made up by Oprah or anyone on Western TV. I also know a well educated middle class Indian woman who is abused by her husband, but the relatives don't do anything because they don't feel they should interfere in such personal matters. If she went back to her relatives they would send her back to him. She knows this. She also doesn't have many options to leave as she's a stay at home mother completely dependent on his income. The majority of Indian women don't work outside the home. That's a fact.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> While you passionately defend arranged marriage, you assume that other posters here don't have a familiarity with it. Some of us do either through familial connection or living abroad for many years in South Asia or some other specialization (academic, career, etc.) You don't have a monopoly on special knowledge concerning India and arranged marriages.
> 
> Domestic violence isn't treated the same way in India that it is in the US. That's not something made up by Oprah or anyone on Western TV. I also know a well educated middle class Indian woman who is abused by her husband, but the relatives don't do anything because they don't feel they should interfere in such personal matters. If she went back to her relatives they would send her back to him. She knows this. She also doesn't have many options to leave as she's a stay at home mother completely dependent on his income. The majority of Indian women don't work outside the home. That's a fact.



I do have special knowledge about India and arranged marriages. 
Because I am Indian. 

I am not passionately defending arranged marriages, I am just saying that they are not evil that some people think they are. Trust me, I have had a lot of people here in the US refer to it in a degrading fashion. A lot of people tend to be ethnocentric and feel that their way is the best way and only way. I am speaking up against that.

Domestic violence is serious in India. There are tough laws against it and lately they have gotten slanted towards women. If a woman has a fight with her husband and calls the police and says that her husband demanded dowry, the cops are just going to drag his backside into jail. No questions asked. Look up the Indian Penal Code Section 498A. Women have now started to abuse this quite a bit. I have lived in both countries for several decades each so I have seen how things work in both countries. So your experience with a middle class Indian woman makes allows you to decide that domestic violence is all over in India? What about child molestation in the US? What about the poor kids molested by the catholic church priests coverup? What about the Penn State scandal coverup?

You are WRONG that most Indian women do not work at home. You really need to go there and take a look. This isn't 1995 or even 2000. You would be hard pressed to find any woman in the age range 20-40 in a city who does not work outside the home in a firm. In rural areas, women work in the agricultural fields. Like I said, too much Oprah.

People like Oprah just love to sniff around and just talk about the dirt in a very condescending way. She will make a show on the slums of Mumbai but never about the South side of Chicago and talk about how African Americans just don't value education.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

this thread is getting jacked and OP hasn't been back in a while.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Right, let's get back.

The OP messaged me as well, and I reiterated that she should NOT tell her husband. Nothing to gain, but a lot to lose. If she tells, she will lose for sure. If she does not, she has a good chance it will never come out. The goal is not honesty, but for her long term happiness of her marriage which she does not want to leave. She might post in a few hrs.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Henri said:


> What are you suggesting to help her?


Can't say! Situations that can lead to some serious consequences and are dealt with by PM with me can only be exposed if the OP decides it is helpful.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

I'm sure those who are PMing her have said this, but she should understand that _lying_ is not good in marriage. In this case I don't see how any good will come from being honest with her husband, so hopefully she has learned her lesson and won't ever put herself in this position again. Lies can only be hidden for so long, and the more you have, the harder it becomes to keep them hidden.


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## shrutib (Dec 8, 2009)

Thanks for supporting replies and understanding the situation. Yes I am from traditional family. And its too difficult for me to accept mistake. But i dont have courage to tell my husband. I really feel bad for husband and my daughter.


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