# To women who have cheated on their husbands...



## thecw

Were you able to carry on your activities undetected? Was your husband oblivious to what you were doing, and what kind of measures did you take to make sure it stayed that way if that was the case?

Curious.


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## Jellybeans

thecw said:


> Were you able to carry on your activities undetected?


I may have thought so but he to this day says he "knew." And I believe him. No cheater is as smart as they think they are.



thecw said:


> Was your husband oblivious to what you were doing, and what kind of measures did you take to make sure it stayed that way if that was the case?


Yes and no. I am sure there were things he didn't know but he definitely picked up on things (like me being weird w/ my phone). I ended up confessing to him.


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## thecw

WhiteRabbit said:


> in light of my very recent, yet extremely brief emotional affair *gasp* i know right.
> 
> i didn't have to do much hiding. i left my phone lying around wherever i dropped it at the end of the day, never logged out of my email accounts, didn't think twice about calling the person a couple times on our shared cell account.
> 
> I regret my mini EA. i hate myself for it and i'm glad it's over. but as far as concealing it, i didn't behave any differently. not changing my behaviors or habits may have ultimately been the best cover for it.
> 
> in retrospect, i would hate for H to find out i had a revenge ea. it would hurt him terribly and i am learning that i don't want to see him hurting just because i needed to feel good about myself and made stupid choices.


What kept you from taking it to a PA, if even for just one time?


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## librarydragon

thecw said:


> Were you able to carry on your activities undetected? Was your husband oblivious to what you were doing, and what kind of measures did you take to make sure it stayed that way if that was the case?
> 
> Curious.


I didn't think I was having an affair. I was naive and stupid, not recognizing an ea for what I know it is today.

I didn't hide anything because I considered the relationship professional and platonic, even as I began developing feelings for him. I don't hide my feelings well, and my then-husband noticed right away. I didn't lie about it, or try to hide it. I also didn't stick around to try and fix it. I simply coudn't imagine how it would be possible to fix a marriage when I felt so strongly for another man.


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## marriageinprogress

I withdrew from most of the people I cared about not answering phone calls from family and friends, taking care of myself even better, very defensive, and being very selfish. I still coached my kid’s sports teams and participated at my kid’s schools as if nothing was happening. 

My husband didn't know that I was having an affair he just thought that our relationship was in really bad shape. I never ever thought I would have and EA and PA. I would have been the last person on earth most people would have thought to have an affair including myself. But I did! I was an expert at deleting text messages and phone calls, hiding my phone bill, and protecting myself from getting caught. 

I eventually came to my senses and stopped the affair. I confessed everything to my husband a couple months ago


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## TNgirl232

My ex had no idea and still has no idea. The person was someone we were friends with so it wasn't 'odd' for us to spend time together - I could always make up a plausible excuse for why I had to go buy etc. We also worked in different towns so lunch times were pretty easy. I communicated through mainly IM but text and email...but again it was someone that I communicated through text/phone/email before anything got started so it wasn't anything out of the ordinary. Basically - I hid it in plain site. 

My ex wasn't so good at the 'hiding' part...I busted his wide open. We got divorced which is what we should of done without both of us going outside the marriage but there we are...


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## marriageinprogress

michzz said:


> I'd like to know how a cheating wife handles juggling sexual relations with her husband and some other person.
> 
> I mean both practically and emotionally.
> 
> If you've just left being intimate with your OM then go home and have relations with your husband who doesn't know what you've been up to and you know he would be repulsed if he really knew what he got to do with you.


Even tho I am the offender it's still pretty confusing to me. How could I have numbed myself to the existent that I could cheat on my husband the father of my children? I know right from wrong how could I have been such an idiot!! I don't know..

I was completely disconnected from my husband emotionally. My affair started as an EA. I wanted to feel good enough and accepted. 

I was never intimate with my husband after being with the OM. I would pick a fight, be grumpy, whatever I needed to do to avoid being intimate with my husband. I was a loser... I feel horrible for what I have done! 

Geez... this is therapy for me!


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## DanF

When my wife had her affair, I was clueless for about three months. I was looking for a particular piece of lingerie that I wanted her to wear and found her PAYGO phone. I figured out the number and started looking at it online. I then confronted her about it and she convinced me that it was a gift for a friend, he was just a coworker, etc.
If I had been more patient and if I had known about TAM, I would have nailed her on it. But I didn't want to think that she was having an affair, so I was easy to fool. She cut it off at that point and I found out about it much later after I had an affair and she(in retaliation) went back to him.
During her affair, our sex life actually improved! I think it was due to the guilt that she felt for seeing him. Looking back, there were so many things that would have cemented my suspicions once I found the phone. She began wearing sexy bras and panties, mostly when she went to work. She always kept a towel in her SUV to "clean up". She would work about 30 minutes late once or twice a week, then her "tanning" towel would get tossed in the washer as she came through the back door. She began to shave and groom her privates.
He was married as well, and both of them were on a pretty short leash, so there hook ups were limited to one of their vehicles after work, usually in a parking lot at night. Once they made it to a hotel and spent the afternoon.
But she was able to keep it from me without too much trouble. She got caught because she got a little too confident that I was a dolt. On my side, if I had been a little more diligent and patient, I would have been able to fully expose her.
But I suppose if I had been paying that much attention to us, I would have been able to see that things in our marriage were not right and maybe could have prevented the whole damn thing.
All in all, it turned out for the best. We both did some terrible things to one another. I guess infidelity and its associated lies are the absolute worst thing that one can do to a spouse.
Now, after some counseling, some soul searching, complete honesty and open communication, we are doing great. Not perfect, but great. The affairs and associated problems still come up every once in a while. It's been 2 years since it all came out and the healing process is slow, but we are in love and I feel like the bad times are far behind us and getting further behind us every day.

Sorry for the ramble..


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## that_girl

I wasn't married but we may as well been. We had a child and were living together 2 years.

We were never in love. We were together for the child we made in our first month of dating.

We tried to make it work, but...he is a narcissistic man. I was detached after having our child.

I didn't try to hide my EA. It didn't turn PA until after I broke up with him. He found out from my sloppiness but I didn't deny it.

My situation was weird though. I left him for a mutual friend. Someone I fell in love with before I knew the father of my child. Then when I got pregnant, well...yea.

We were all friends for years...I wanted the OM before I wanted my partner. After a few years of being treated like complete crap, being dumped while pregnant, emotional abuse, etc...the OM was always there for me. Always. As friends. No sexual anything. 

When it came down to it, I don't regret it at all. I should have had more balls and left before the EA started, but oh well, that was 10 years ago.

(This was all before cell phones and all the technology we have now was available. lollll We had old Imacs and would email. mostly we just hung out.)


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## Sanity

Every time you meet with OM/OW you risk exposure. It's just a matter of time before you get caught.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Undertheradar

WhiteRabbit said:


> I can't take 100% of the credit as though i'm some example of good moral character...After the week i had of not really talking to OM, he became very distant from me. It made me realize a lot about why i was so vulnerable and open. Maybe if it had gone on longer it would have developed into a PA. I can't say for sure one way or the other. After several days of him trying to be subtle about pushing me away I took the hint and just said i was done.
> 
> There were tons of times where i wanted nothing more than to get in my car and go to him. It consumed me. I just wanted him so badly I couldn't stand myself. But, even though my marital status consists of being roommates with my husband, my conscience held me back from going to OM. I have to be able to look at myself in the mirror everyday...it's hard enough doing that with an EA under my belt I couldn't imagine how tough it would be if I'd had a PA too.


Oh boy.


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## Pandakiss

i was young, and stupid..i didnt know it was called emotional affair..

i thought i had friends...husband [boyfriend then] knew something wasnt right. we had so much going on, toxic friends [she was crazy] we were just 18..just had a baby...we were trying to figure out jobs, schooling....we lived with my mom, she was crazy then too....

what i was doing...there was just not enough time in the day to have clear head to focus on what was happening....but he knew, and he never had proof, so he walked out...

said i might be around, if you get it together..and im aval then we will see...

took clothes left his keys. so if he could say ah-ha caught ya...!!!! he knew we were off and he had to find out.


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## lonelylady2602

After 12 years of a loveless, empty marriage, I ended up meeting a guy online and eventually ended up having an affair with him. 
We began as chat friends but the more I got to know him, I was intrigued and very flattered with all the attention he was giving me. Being 4 hours apart, I originally felt safe flirting and playing with him while online, phone conversations and text messaging him. He knew all about the problems in my marriage and was very sympathetic to it. I should also add that he was recently separated and hadn't begun dating yet. After 2 months of very regular and constant correspondence, I invited him to meet me in a town close to where he lived. I would be approximately 4 hours from home, had old friends in that area that I used as the excuse for going, and felt very safe leaving my husband for the weekend to meet this guy. As a matter of fact my husband sent me off with his blessings, happy that I had reconnected with old friends.
The guy and I met and shared a hotel room for the weekend. The first night we slept in separate beds and then spent Saturday sightseeing, and having 1 of the most enjoyable days I had experienced in a long time. We had sex on the 2nd night together. On Sunday we spent the day walking through a park, holding hands and talking. It felt like the most natural thing I could have ever done. To make a long story short, he and I continued seeing each other at least once a month and continued corresponding everyday through text and phone as well as IM every evening. 
My husband never suspected anything until I began getting more and more hateful and bi**hy towards him. I hated going home in the evenings, hated having to share the same bed with him, refused to go on vacation with him, etc. Sex was pretty non-existent before my affair so that was anything for him to wonder about. In the meantime I had also told OM that I wanted out of my marriage and was planning on moving out as soon as I could afford it. By the end of August I told my husband I was leaving and moved into my own place. I had already decided I would move to the other state to be closer to OM as soon as I could finalize my divorce. 2 weeks later I went to be with OM. During that weekend he told me he cared for me, that I was his best friend and that he could see us together in the future. 2 weeks after that I was with him again and had what I thought was a wonderful weekend, but I noticed that when I returned home, he stopped contacting me as much as he normally had. All of a sudden, he was busy, didn't have the time to talk on the phone or even text as much. I didn't want to think the worse and accepted his feeble excuses, until I caught him on the same chat site he and I met on. 
Within a couple of weeks of being treated like I was nothing more then a casual distant friend, he finally admitted that he didn't think he had the time to nurture a long distant relationship. I have it on good authority that he has been actively looking for other women to date. BUT...he'll still text me a couple of times each day. We no longer chat online and I haven't spoke to him on the phone in over a week. That's because I stopped calling him!! 
Although I vehemently denied it to OM, I left my husband because I honestly thought there was going to be a future with him. Hell, he had even suggested for us to move in together when I was ready to move to his state. Guess I can blame it on Karma!
BTW- hubby has asked me a couple of times if there was OM, which I've always denied. And no, I have no desire or intention of ever reconciling with him. That marriage is officially over.
I still hope that the OM will eventually want to reconnect with me and pick up where we left off, but I'm not holding my breathe.


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## Shaggy

@lonelylady, if they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you, great job in both cheating and lying to your husband. That fool doesn't deserve to know anything about his wife cheating on him. And yeah, I'm sure your lover is going to change his mind and realize that he very much wants to be with a woman who has no guilt or problems cheating on her husband. I mean, that shows just what kind of woman she is inside doesn't it. It must mske you very attractive to men.

As fior your marriage being over, well you aren't divorced yet, so you get to have the best of both worlds. You can continue to hook up and have sex with lots of men, and you get to also stick hubby with the billls for it. Why bother divorcing him, when you can eat all the cake you want! The best part is stupid hubby has no clue that he is a cuckold! You must get a special joy everytime you look at him and know what a fool he is !
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAEPT10

great post Shaggy


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## Lon

lonelylady, a simple "no he didn't know and still doesn't" would have sufficed to answer the OP.

The fact that you went in to much more detail suggests that you are spending a lot of emotional energy on your situation. You still cannot resolve the fact that you have outright lied to your H and continue to do so, and are acting cruel enough to watch him be the fool you made him into. You will never find happiness as long as you continue to lie to yourself. Shaggy's comment is spot on.

BTW, I had to check the dates and details in your story because I kept thinking you may be my WW coming to this site for answers... Your H may have lost your respect, but if you leave others to discover the truth for themselves, they will ALL lose their respect for you.


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## ladybird

thecw said:


> Were you able to carry on your activities undetected? Was your husband oblivious to what you were doing,and what kind of measures did you take to make sure it stayed that way if that was the case?
> 
> Curious.



My husband never suspected a thing or so I thought. My first EA lasted about 9 months.. I never met him in person. He was a bit shady and i got red flags with him.

The last one lasted about 3 months I met him a few times. This guy didn't want to take it any further he didn't want to get hurt again (he had been divorced recently, his wife cheated on him.) He did tell me that he did have feeling for me and that we could not take it any further, since i was still married. i was in agreement. I am happy that it did not go any further.. I would have felt like total crap.. 

I never called them, ever. Only communicated through email and chat. If i were to call them i would have used a pay phone. I actually left my email open a couple of times.. accidently.

A couple of months ago I asked my husband IF he wanted me to have an affair.. he said i thought you already had.. I said not sexually. So he did know, but didn't say anything about it.

No more affairs of any kind for me... If i feel the need then i will leave first


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## moogvo

Nothing like stumbling across a picture of your wife's car in the OM's driveway on Google Earth Street Level View! That one is hard to hide!


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## Rob774

Angel5112 said:


> LonelyLady -
> 
> *I hope you are a troll.* If not, I have no idea what would compel you to come to a marriage forum and spew this nonsense. Do your husband a favor and just divorce him, but be sure to tell him the real reason first. You at least owe that to the man you once loved enough to marry. I have a feeling that you will someday realize what you have lost.


Her story was waaaay too laid out to be a troll post. This is actually happened. Its hard for me to rip her, because i think she is already hurting, just on the inside where no one can see her. She's got the ultimate "buyer's remorse" in regards to every gal/guy who thinks the grass is always greener. 

I love how she spent the first night in opposite beds... you are in the hotel... for the weekend with the guy you are having an EA with, she knew exactly what was going to happen. You put me in a hotel with a good looking female stranger for a weekend, i'm tapping that before the weekend is over... trust me.


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## ladybird

The grass isn't always greener on the other side. Sometimes it is far worse.

Usually things that start off wrong (as in an affair) end badly.

The typical affairs only lasts 2 years, after the cat is out of the bag, and have left their marriages... 

I was the other woman (he wasn't married, but it still didn't make it right.) Granted we have been together 15 years marred over 14 years.

I am seeing a lot of things going on that went on between him and his x while they were still together. the way he treats me and has shut me out amongst other things. 

He did it to her, he can do the same to me... If they will cheat with you they can and will possibly cheat on you.


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## that_girl

moogvo said:


> Nothing like stumbling across a picture of your wife's car in the OM's driveway on Google Earth Street Level View! That one is hard to hide!


Holy CRAP.


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## Runs like Dog

Of course not. Cheaters aren't that invested in whether you find out or not. It makes perfect sense. That's why they're rolling around in the sack with someone else.


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## zpac

What's with all the threads about women cheating? Men cheating is a far bigger problem. Do men somehow have to convince themselves that women cheat as much to feel better about themselves?


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## a___girl

He might know - he's not stupid, but we're both incredibly busy, and I try to take every precaution possible. If he does know, he hasn't said anything yet.


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## Shaggy

a___girl said:


> He might know - he's not stupid, but we're both incredibly busy, and I try to take every precaution possible. If he does know, he hasn't said anything yet.


Well let's hope he gets smarter and catches you soon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor

zpac said:


> What's with all the threads about women cheating? Men cheating is a far bigger problem. Do men somehow have to convince themselves that women cheat as much to feel better about themselves?


My observations are that few men I know cheat, but many women do. It may not be a scientific study, but I believe that probably more wives cheat than husbands. Before marriage it may be the other direction, with more bf's cheating than gf's, idk. But in marriages it looks like wives are bigger cheaters.


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## Lon

Shaggy said:


> Well let's hope he gets smarter and catches you soon.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

It's one thing to be honest on the TAM forums, and we appreciate it, but being honest with you spouse is atleast a million times more important, and so the earlier post thanking a_girl for her honesty should be rescinded.


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## I'mAllIn

zpac said:


> What's with all the threads about women cheating? Men cheating is a far bigger problem. Do men somehow have to convince themselves that women cheat as much to feel better about themselves?


I think that the reason there are so many threads about women cheating here is that when men cheat on women the woman generally turns to friends or family to talk to and get advice from. On the other hand when women cheat on men it seems the man is less willing to open up to the people in his life so they turn to forums like this for help. This is JMO, no scientific proof, just something I've noticed about the people I know.


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## nice777guy

I'mAllIn said:


> I think that the reason there are so many threads about women cheating here is that when men cheat on women the woman generally turns to friends or family to talk to and get advice from. On the other hand when women cheat on men it seems the man is less willing to open up to the people in his life so they turn to forums like this for help. This is JMO, no scientific proof, just something I've noticed about the people I know.


Most cheating involves a man and a woman. Seems to make sense to me that there would be some comparabiltiy in the number of affairs among each gender.

And yes - I know you could argue different ways (more women serial cheaters, single women more likely to be involved with married men, etc, etc) - but what I've seen here supports that cheating is fairly even among H's and W's.


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## I'mAllIn

nice777guy said:


> Most cheating involves a man and a woman. Seems to make sense to me that there would be some comparabiltiy in the number of affairs among each gender.
> 
> And yes - I know you could argue different ways (more women serial cheaters, single women more likely to be involved with married men, etc, etc) - but what I've seen here supports that cheating is fairly even among H's and W's.


I wasn't saying that I thought one gender cheated more than the other. I was just giving my opinion as to why, on this particular site, there does seem to be more stories of cheating wives than cheating husbands. I do personally believe that more married men cheat than married women, but that does come from my own experiences with people I've known. Most of what I've witnessed personally has been wives who are unhappy, but also unwilling to risk financial hardship or break up her family for sex. On the other hand I've watched several married male acquaintences give in to the advances of a younger single woman who look like lots of fun without the stress, or a divorced woman who knows exactly what buttons to push.


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## Arnold

I'mAllIn said:


> I think that the reason there are so many threads about women cheating here is that when men cheat on women the woman generally turns to friends or family to talk to and get advice from. On the other hand when women cheat on men it seems the man is less willing to open up to the people in his life so they turn to forums like this for help. This is JMO, no scientific proof, just something I've noticed about the people I know.


I don't know. For some reason, of all the sites I have read(and there are a ton), this particular site seems to have a way higher number of betrayed men than others. 
It seesm to me that most other sites have way more betrayed women posting than men. Here, it seems like the opposite.
Anyone else notice this?


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## Thor

I don't hang out on women's forums so I am not likely to see many women posting (other than here) about being cheated on.


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## Arnold

Thor said:


> I don't hang out on women's forums so I am not likely to see many women posting (other than here) about being cheated on.


The forums I was referring to, including the one on this site, were not gender specific.


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