# What is my role?



## Drgnfly2121 (Nov 3, 2015)

I have a 7 year old daughter from a prior relationship. My husband has a 3 year old daughter from a prior relationship. We have a 1 year old son together.....

My husband has not had a relationship with his daughter. I've been pushing him to start a relationship with her. I know how it is to grow up without my father and don't want that for her. Plus he is a great dad and stepdad and they both deserve to be in each other's lives. 

Recently he contacted his ex to see about starting a relationship with his daughter. At first she was all for it and now is slowly backing away from the idea. She says if he wants to get to know her it has to be without our kids and I. And she is giving him available dates to meet but they are months down the road. 

I obviously would love for him to establish a relationship and for her to become part of our lives and family, but feel uncomfortable with him being the only one allowed to go see her and hang out with his ex. Do I have a reason to feel uncomfortable/uneasy or do I bite the bullett and just deal with it for the greater good for my husband and his daughter? If he went to court to partition for visitation, would they handle it any differently?


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## aw9d (Feb 17, 2010)

I would say let it go and see how it all turns out, but keep a close eye. Ex's can be a blessing or a curse depending on the Ex. I think once he establishes a good relationship with his daughter you'll be brought into the loop more. The Ex may be very protective of her kids or it could be some sort of trick to get him back. 

Your husband doesn't seem too keen on this idea and maybe he thinks the Ex is up to something? 

One thing I will say is I agree that you should be part of their lives since you two are married. Regardless if the child isn't yours it's his and you two started a family together. That's just my opinion.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

How long has he been detached form his child? I'd assume there's either no parenting schedule with the court or one that hasn't been adhered to for some time now. If it's the later, he could try enforcing the parenting schedule but may find that difficult as he hasn't been exercising it.

Best answer is that he should spend some quality time, alone, with his daughter and take small steps form there to integrate everyone in the family. But if there's no custody order or parenting schedule in place, then there's no requirement for the mother to allow anything.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> Recently he contacted his ex to see about starting a relationship with his daughter. At first she was all for it and now is slowly backing away from the idea. She says if he wants to get to know her it has to be without our kids and I. And she is giving him available dates to meet but they are months down the road.


Why does he give a crap what she has to say? This is his child. He should have requested parental time with her a long time ago. This mother doesn't OWN the child. If he's her biological father and not exercising his parental rights, that's completely on him...he should NOT be asking permission to be a father to his own child.

He needs to ensure he's paying support and he needs to get to court and start working on an integration parental plan so that he can get back in his child's life immediately.

And your relationship is none of his ex's business. This woman has ZERO legal right to put conditions on fair parental access. Your husband should have gotten a lawyer and dealt with this.



> I obviously would love for him to establish a relationship and for her to become part of our lives and family, but feel uncomfortable with him being the only one allowed to go see her and hang out with his ex. Do I have a reason to feel uncomfortable/uneasy or do I bite the bullett and just deal with it for the greater good for my husband and his daughter? If he went to court to partition for visitation, would they handle it any differently?


Why does he need to hang out with his ex? I'm divorced and share equal parental access with my ex-husband and I haven't set eyes on him in years. We have separate holidays and split time fairly. 

He should get an established schedule...which won't be a lot of access at first because he's neglected his parental rights...but he can build it up over time. Then he should pick the child up in a neutral location and then return her after his parental time is complete. The child can start forming a relationship with your whole family. He never has to spend time with his ex at all.

I just cannot understand why so many men let women gatekeeper their own children away from them and do nothing about it.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Your role is to support your husband but that does not mean you have a right to interfere. You say you want him to have a relationship with his first child yet you are placing constraints on that, leave him to it and leave your insecurities out of it.

Have to ask, if he is such a great parent why has he not been parenting his first child? His daughter is only 3, your child together is 1 so there was not much time in between him having his first and then moving on to a new wife. Is he such a great man that you say he is?

It is not your role to get involved if/when he start to establish a relationship with his daughter, leave that up to him and then in the future you can work towards playing happy families, for now you are years off that.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Please respect his child and her mother. It is fine to make suggestions to your husband, but let him decide what to do. 

And if he does try to establish a relationship, he needs to be respectful and patient with his daughter.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Holland said:


> Have to ask, if he is such a great parent why has he not been parenting his first child? His daughter is only 3, your child together is 1 so there was not much time in between him having his first and then moving on to a new wife. Is he such a great man that you say he is?


I wondered this myself...


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