# Is it normal to avoid all social contact after a divorce?



## Luonnotar (Aug 2, 2012)

I'm not ready to date yet, but my issue is I'm not sure I'm ready to even make friends. I ended up losing all my friends during the end of my marriage (my ex slowly dropped everything to do with the family, and I took it all over. That meant cutting out all my time with friends and family, and they slowly disappeared.) By the time I survived the divorce I found myself completely alone. Now, I can't seem to find the courage to move on. I avoid social events, claim I'm too busy with house and family, work long hours, and in general do everything I can to avoid people. Is that normal? Will it get better? On weekends when the kids are with their dad i find myself on Omegle just trying to find someone to talk to. Of course, there's no way to find a serious conversation on a site like that.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Even if it were normal doesn't make it healthy. It's not healthy. And you're always ready to make friends. 

Recently I had really been missing a friend, feeling guilty that I'd let life get in the way. So I finally reached out to her (it had been many years) and told her how I hadn't stopped thinking about her and her family, how bad I felt that I couldn't be there through her cancer treatments while I was going through a divorce and that I felt so guilty and sad that I had let life get in the way of our friendship because it had always meant so much to me.

And you know what? She felt the same way. She actually apologized to ME for not reaching out more during my divorce! And we started getting together again - it was as if no time had elapsed. Of course we had catching up to do, but the camaraderie didn't change a bit.

You are depressed and isolation is one of the worst things you can do. People are social animals by nature even if they are introverts.

I suggest you force yourself to reach out to people. Set some goals to 'make' yourself do it. Week 1, reach out to two old friends - phone call/email - whatever. Week 2, assuming one of them is receptive, suggest getting together - whether it's you and kids/their family or just you two. Week 3 - do it! Etc. 

I'm uncomfortable randomly talking to strangers. I started making it a point to smile when I made eye contact. No matter who it was - male or female. And I make myself randomly chat with people as an 'exercise' - for instance if I'm in line at the grocery store, if I make eye contact I may comment on the weather or the long line, etc. If I don't make eye contact I may speak to them by asking about a product they are buying by saying I hadn't tried that is it any good? I may compliment a lady on her handbag. Or see a guy with a 6-pack and joke that it looks like he's ready for the weekend.

Just set some small goals that get you a little out of your comfort zone and dare yourself to do it.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Oh, I also made a promise to myself - I wouldn't turn down ANY social invitation. Even if it wasn't my 'thing' - after all, those things help you branch out! Although I'm relatively uncoordinated, I accepted an invitation to go contra dancing. It was fun! (and hard!) I might never do it again but now I know what it's all about and if I'm invited again I'll have a better idea of what to do (and how to dress - flat shoes and absorbent layers LOL)

Tell yourself you can always leave early. But go. Someone must like you if you are getting invites! But they will eventually stop if you never go. The very next invitation you get, GO. Report back to me!  Even if it's for a movie that you know you won't care for. As long as the activity is within your budget, do it.

Do you like dogs? Go for a walk and tell yourself the first person you see with a dog you will talk to. Tell them what a nice looking dog they have! Even if they just say thanks and keep walking, it's a step in the right direction. 

Just remember to be careful if you are asked out. You may keep dating someone just for the human interaction. Don't. Be sure to stay true to yourself in that regard. That's why having other friends is important. 

If you aren't in counseling, you should be. Even a short time will help immensely. United Family Services offers these services on a sliding scale if you don't have insurance.


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## Luonnotar (Aug 2, 2012)

Counseling. I never even consider it. I made sure my kids both got counseling, but never thought about myself. 
I'll make some calls Monday.
And I took your recommendations--said hello to everyone I saw on my bike ride. Got a few odd looks but most people just said hi back.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Your remark about the bike ride made me laugh. I shamelessly embarrass my kids when we are out in public by making a point to talk to any and everyone we run across. Sometimes its brief and quite innocent, sometimes I'll just start up a conversation like they are my long lost cousin. Its a practiced art, like making small talk at a party-so go out and practice, practice, practice!
Good job with the counseling, I'm sure this is a temporary thing for you.


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## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

Luonnotar said:


> Now, I can't seem to find the courage to move on. I avoid social events, claim I'm too busy with house and family, work long hours, and in general do everything I can to avoid people. Is that normal? Will it get better? On weekends when the kids are with their dad i find myself on Omegle just trying to find someone to talk to. Of course, there's no way to find a serious conversation on a site like that.


I suffer this dilemma once in a while, as most of my significant "friends" are in other states. However I found a book that really helps me focus on getting around this issue. It is written by Ryan Holiday and it is called " The Obstacle is the Way" Since I dislike reading for the most part I bought the audio version for my commute. 

I force myself to get out and interact, the trick is to find the situation that promotes you to do it. 

Go and knock em dead. Plenty of nice places in Michigan to do this... I am from there and I miss it.... God Child wants me to move back..


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Since moving I've made a lot of new friends and reconnected with ones I thought I'd lost. I highly recommend joining some activities via websites like meetup. 

Also, like Enjoli and others have suggested, I've met a lot of people just by having the courage to strike up a conversation. One of my fav friends I met just by chatting at my apartment complex pool. We do hiking and dinner once a week, and I really enjoy her company!

You might also try contacting the alumni association of any schools you've attended and see if there are events in your area. Volunteer work is another good way to meet new people.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I went through a period where I did not want to see anyone at all. So for me, yeah, it was normal what you described here. Took me awhile to get to a place where I even wanted to be around people.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

I feel the same way as Luonnotar.

Since my divorce from XWW, I have no interest in making new friends...especially women. I avoid going out and being social. I often make excuses not to. I use my children and being a single father as an excuse to avoid it. The times I have went out, I look around and see happy people talking, laughing, flirting and having fun and it makes me feel even more alone.

Before I go out I am filled with anxiety. When I come I feel depressed. 

It seems to take a tremendous amount of energy from me to be social, with little reward…if that makes any sense. Socializing is putting yourself out there, taking chances with being rejected or people not wanting your friendship. After what I've been through I just can’t take that chance. My self-esteem and confidence have taken quite a hit. I need time to rebuild.

In place of being social, I have reverted to my hobbies to keep me busy. It’s a good thing I have a lot of them. They bring a reasonable amount of contentment to my life. Instead of the highs and lows of socializing, hobbies keep my energy and emotions at a constant but neutral level. This seems to be much more attractive to me at this time. Maybe I am drawn to this neutral state because of the crazy manic/ depressive emotions I experienced during My X’s affair and subsequent divorce? I don’t know for sure but I do find it comforting in some way.


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## BaxJanson (Apr 4, 2013)

Count me in, too. 

I have to drive myself to interact with people - even over a message board like this. I can only cling to the hope that as I do it more and more, it will get easier with time and repetition.

I'm also getting pretty good at meeting and holding eye contact out in public now. Still have no idea what to say in small talk, but I can hold a gaze and smile, and it feels pretty good when the other person looks away first.


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## HeartbrokenW (Sep 26, 2012)

I'm the same way.. divorce was final about a year and a half ago. Outside of acquaintances at work, I really don't have any friends either. I have 1 adult child, 1 child still in the nest, 2 grandkids. Its just work and home. I had gone back to school to finish my education before ex and I separated, I'm determined to finish. I only take 1 class at a time. With working full time, taking care of my daughter, the house and yard, I don't have time for any more than that. I think I've got it timed pretty well though, I ought to graduate from college when she graduates from high school. 

But true friends..to laugh and do things with,.. I don't have any.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I believe it is perfectly normal to go through this period of being antisocial. I mean you/we just went through hell, for many of us, that makes dealing with other people for a while really hard. I think it is a mechanism some of us have for healing ourselves. You will know when you are ready to rejoin society again.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Divorce is devastating. All the **** I had been through in my life and it was by far the hardest. Only thing that ever brought me to my knees and unable to function for a period of time. I'm a strong guy In a very alpha male profession and I fully admit I couldn't cope with her betrayal and leaving.

I went to counseling and it really did help me. Mostly just to organize my thoughts so I could function but also how to make a plan to move forward. OP I would honestly suggest you give it a try.


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## evolver (Dec 3, 2013)

Making friends is hard. Most people are lucky to have one or two good ones. I was pretty shocked to learn that the most outgoing, social person I know is incredibly lonely. She does things all the time, and has a huge social circle, but she recently told me that there is no one that she's close enough to, to be completely unfiltered with. 

I'm saying this because I think you shouldn't be hard on yourself for being afraid to put yourself out there. It's not easy. Don't get me wrong, it IS worth it though. Once you do it, you probably won't regret it. Just be mindful that being hard on yourself for NOT doing it can be worse than the discomfort you face in doing it. Its a lesson I'm learning myself right now.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Going to agree the sh*t out of EW. It may be normal but it's not healthy.

I "want" to lay in bed all day and eat pizza and cheeseburgers, and that's pretty normal.

If you want to isolate yourself it's probably time you FORCE yourself out of that habit. Going out and experiencing new things can be an amazing high. Try watching that movie "yes man" with Jim Carrie. I got quite addicted to that feeling and can tell you that it is way better than anything you will do sitting in your house alone.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

COguy said:


> Going to agree the sh*t out of EW. It may be normal but it's not healthy.
> 
> I "want" to lay in bed all day and eat pizza and cheeseburgers, and that's pretty normal.
> 
> If you want to isolate yourself it's probably time you FORCE yourself out of that habit. Going out and experiencing new things can be an amazing high. Try watching that movie "yes man" with Jim Carrie. I got quite addicted to that feeling and can tell you that it is way better than anything you will do sitting in your house alone.


Please excuse my stupidity, but what is CODA?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

codependents anonymous

coda.org - but I think you posted this in the wrong thread.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

for 6 months I did not leave the house except for food n smokes, only social contact I had was facebook and here


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## JWTBL (May 28, 2014)

It's been a slow process, feeling like being social again. Especially when you've been married for years, so socializing usually involved other married people. Now my married friends still ask me to do things, and I've known them all so long that these are the people I am most familiar with. But it is getting very awkward socializing with happily (or even un-happily) married couples, so I find myself finding excuses why I can't go, and feel more and more that they're just feeling sorry for me now. I am beginning to have my radar out for single people , and have made a few acquaintances , but it definitely takes an effort to put yourself out there.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Avoid all social contact? No.
For my first 8 months though, it was basically just work, kids, WoT, and TAM.....oh and I made it to some of the kart races....
I learned a lot about myself which has helped me in moving on and forward with clear understanding of why my marriage didn't work. and better knowing what I need to look for in my next partner to have success.


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