# Help!!



## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

Ok, I just posted in another thread that I will seriously do the 180. But of course, two days after making that determination, my husband just called inviting me to lunch, and I agreed.
Am I acting like a doormat or what?
Please advice, I will really, really appreciate it.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

I never agreed that doing the 180 to the exact letter was the right way to approach this. I like A LOT of what the 180 has to offer. The bettering yourself, no grobbling or showing weakness, doing things for you, keeping some measure of distance from your stbx. All that, I think is very good. But, to ignore them 100% is detrimental to a relationship IF you are still hoping for some form of reconciliation.

IMHO, not communicating at all with your ex is a recipe for disaster. In most cases it is a signal to them that you don't want anything to do with them ever again. If it is true that you are done and want to move on, then the complete 180 could be useful, but if you are hoping for any kind of reconciliation, be aware that you can finish off the marriage for good with no contact.

If it were me on the other side, this would make me feel as if you are giving the go ahead to move on, date, etc. whatever and that you are closing the door - no matter how well I see you doing with yourself. Anyway. that is just my opinion. Maybe others can opine as well.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Oh, one more thing. My wife and I are trying to reconcile. We have been in an in house seperation so there were many rough, ugly times (no violence, just destructive words) but we saw each other on almost a daily basis.

I can gaurantee you that there were a couple of weeks there where if I was doing the complete 180 - we would be finished and divorced by now. It was the ability to hash out our differences that brought us to this point where we MIGHT reconcile. But doing a complete 180 would have been the final nail on the coffin. Just FYI.


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

Brighterlight, thank you. I'm so glad to be getting perspective from the male point of view.
so, I just came back from the lunch, it was cordial. We were friendly. I don't know where I'm at right now...
He heard from a friend of mine that a guy was showing interest in me, (my friend told me about this as well, but I didn't pay any attention to it) and he was teasing me about it.
My husband is acting more like a buddy, and it took a lot for me not to get frustrated, and throw water in his face.
Gosh...I'm so confused, I want to work on the marriage, and work on myself to stop hoping as well.
I have absolutely no clue where my husband's head and heart is at this point.
Is it possible that husbands just want to be friends with their wife whom they just separated from? Am I stupid to think that there's hope for reconciliation and just setting myself up for a really big fall?
Why and why, Oh why am I still pining on my husband who clearly doesn't want to work on fixing our marriage?
I need an emergency lobotomy.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Hang in there. My wife was acting friendly to me as well at the beginning of our breakup. I know what you mean about weird. For me it was like, OK, I am confused, why are you being nicey buddy with me, which made me feel more like a stranger than anything else, and not angry? I thought that it would have been easier to take a fight or a loving gesture than to feel awkward as if the last 36 years where a farce.

So, if there is any consolation to all of this, my wife acted the same way and now she wants to see if we can make us work. I guess that MIGHT mean that he still has feelings for you and it could take a couple of months for him to express what he is really feeling. I don't know, it could also mean the he is so done with your marriage that he is beyond anger or being a lover/partner with you. If he is angry with you or starts an argument with you and looks mad or upset, that, to me, is a good sign. If he didn't care about what you both lost, or about you, he wouldn't be angry so again, I don't know what to make of him being cordial.

If you still feel confused after a little more time has gone by then I would definitely bring this topic up with him and ask him to be clear and direct with his intentions. Have you gone to MC or IC? If you haven't I would try that route if he agrees to it. Keep in mind that this is a VERY slow process and patience not an option, it's a requirement. Take time to evaluate your life also, the 180 is a guide to help you with that. Work on making yourself a better, healthier person while you are in what we call "limbo". Exercise definitely helped me during the hard times. I wish you the best.


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

Thanks for the encouragement.
We have been separated for more than 6 months. We were both so angry in the beginning, but never fought after the separation. I felt there is no reason to be ugly. I wanted to be cordial but didn't want anything to do with him. After two months of separation, I initiated the conversation and realized my mistakes in our marriage. I apologized for my part, but he didn't for his. I'm ok with that, maybe it's not the time for him yet. I was promoted 3 months into the separation and my finances are getting better than his, but it was empty success. So I called him, told him all this success is nothing without him to share it with. Told him I loved him, and missed him. He told me that he is out of town but we will talk when he comes back.
He comes back, and I was so hopeful that we will finally fix our marriage.
Well...he told me the only reason he told me that we need to talk was because he was caught surprised by my phone call, and didn't know what to say.
He said he doesn't know where he's at, and all he feels is emptiness inside.
Now it's been six months, and he still doesn't know where he's at. He continues to invite me to dinner and lunch, but warned me not to get my hopes up. He doesn't want me to think that we are reconcilling just because he is inviting me out.
I visited him at the hospital last week, and he told me that his goal right now is to get off my insurance because he didn't want to be dependent on me, and I asked him if he wants to get a divorce, he got mad and told me he doesn't even want to talk about it, but If I want to get a divorce, then go ahead and file it.
I don't want to give myself a deadline, because I still am not ready to end the marriage, so I was thinking I will do the 180 to heal myself as well.
But just when I'm telling myself not to initiate anything, he would call and invite me out and act all buddy, buddy.
I'm working out everyday, not even for fitness, but just to keep my sanity intact. I probably am in the best shape of my life.
Brighterlight...I hope you have better luck than me, at least your wife has now come to her senses hopefully and is willing to work on the marriage. Seize it, and if you still love her, work on it and try to forgive past sins.
Oh, and my husband doesn't want to do counselling, he doesn't want a bunch of strangers telling him that he is wrong, when they knew nothing about the situation, those are his words.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

ProfJ said:


> Is it possible that husbands just want to be friends with their wife whom they just separated from?


I couldn't care less at this point if I ever saw my wife I just separated from again. So, no, that statement can not be used to describe us all. 

I don't know your story, but to me it sounds more like the "safety net" if there is another woman involved. Wayward spouses tend to keep the loyal spouses hanging on by a thread as the fallback plan in case their affair don't go as planned.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

HurtinginTN said:


> I couldn't care less at this point if I ever saw my wife I just separated from again. So, no, that statement can not be used to describe us all.
> 
> I don't know your story, but to me it sounds more like the "safety net" if there is another woman involved. Wayward spouses tend to keep the loyal spouses hanging on by a thread as the fallback plan in case their affair don't go as planned.



Yes, all the above is very true for many but not everyone. ProfJ, it sounds to me like he really doesn't know what he wants. Are you certain there isn't OW involved. He got mad when you asked if he wanted a divorce, well, that tells me he still has some smidgeon of care about your marriage. Like I said before though, you need an answer other than "I don't know what I want yet!" to me that is not acceptable after 6 months of seperation. I would definitely ask him if he/was seeing someone else, put him on the spot to lie or tell the truth. You are exercising which is great, keep on doing that, no matter how this goes, the physical fitness will be important to you and your future - consider it an investment. You would think that after six months, he would know what he wants and you will have already learned how to move on without him. I really hope that things will turn out for the best for both of you, my W and I will see where we go after the weekend of Aug 19th but either way, the last 4 months for me have been preparation for whatever comes my way. Now if we can only get our house sold!


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> I couldn't care less at this point if I ever saw my wife I just separated from again. So, no, that statement can not be used to describe us all.
> 
> I don't know your story, but to me it sounds more like the "safety net" if there is another woman involved. Wayward spouses tend to keep the loyal spouses hanging on by a thread as the fallback plan in case their affair don't go as planned.


Not sure about another woman, don't believe there's any. But you may be right, he wants to keep me on the sidelines just because he can.
I think my husband is trying to punish me for leaving and not trying to find out and understand why I left.


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