# Very confused by my STBXW



## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

okay - have not heard or spoken to my ex for months and out of the blue she sends me a text wishing me a happy birthday. okay - so i'm thinking either things are going badly for her or she is sorry and feeling the water. either way i would like to have good relations with her because of our children...THEN someone tells me she has befriended a old friend that enabled her in an EA before when we were married...then i get confused because it tells me she is not sorry? I do not know why i get so thrown off by her actions but i do...anyone else have these problems with their ex?


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

She's not sorry. Why are you looking so much into just a birthday message? Have you not emotionally detached?


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

I guess she's not sorry - not sure - I was startled by her birthday message....I guess, i thought i was detached but i am amazed at how i can still get roped in.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

That means you are detached consciously, but you are still attached subconsciously. It takes time. Are you working on moving on?


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

trying to move on - my career is taking off and have plenty of interests - but truth is i loved the family we had....


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Perhaps she wished you a happy B-day so that she can look like the good guy?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Think you're reading too much into it. I'd ignore it and keep it moving.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Bigtone, not everything is black and white.

It's possible your wife still cares about you on certain levels, that she genuinely wishes for you to have a happy life (for example by having a happy birthday) but that she wants you to have a happy life without you in her life, not wanting you to be her husband.

She might want to continue having you as a 'friend' but realises that this is not possible in reality.

It's hard, especially when children are involved, for all concerned, but especially for the wounded, innocent party.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> trying to move on - my career is taking off and have plenty of interests - but truth is i loved the family we had....


*Had* Past tense.

She is not remorseful or fishing. She is trying to draw you back in because she doesn't want you to detach from her. As long as you are attached you are emotionally invested and therefore not in control. She wants to keep the emotional control therefore she is baiting you.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Bigtone, not everything is black and white.
> 
> It's possible your wife still cares about you on certain levels


:iagree: You spent time together, that makes her emotionally and materially invested in you. Even though she may not feel a primal attraction towards you, doesn't mean she has let you go completely. But you aren't a choice for her and she isn't a choice for you anymore.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Please don't read anything into it. She was married to you for over 26 years, had two children with you....that's almost three decades of wishing you a happy birthday. It's not that big of a deal....it was a text not a Hallmark card.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Bigtone:

180


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Do not read too much into that.

At this point, take it simply as a B-Day greeting.

If she is interested in you, she will push harder in another direction.

Hope is a b*tch. So...do nothing. Be a pool of calm water.

IF she pushes again, harder, you get to figure out what YOU want.

The ball is in your court. Do not pursue this woman. Do not be needy. Be James Bond. 

Whether you want her back or not is up to you...and you get to set the price of R.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Also, your wife has an story of trying to play victim and acting in ways she appears as the good guy in front of your kids. She's taking it as an ongoing little battle she has to win, forwading them your email exchanges, putting them in the middle so the take her side... Wishing you a happy birthday contribute to this with zero effort/investiment, maybe she didn't give to the birthday text more than a nanosecond.
Definitely reading too much.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

And I used to wish my ex's happy birthday months and months after no contact and even years after we had broken up, either through text, email or facebook. A habit I got out of but it sure didn't mean anything besides simply wishing them a happy birthday.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

At the very best it was just a reflex - perhaps made to appease the kids (one of them probably reminded her and rather than look petty she did the cheapest thing).

At worst, it's a calculated effort to keep you far in the wings but attached by slim threads in case things go south. That way she won't seem like a total Bioatch when she asks for favors, money, support etc. 

Don't dwell. My three paragraphs were summarized by the count in three characters: 1 8 0


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

F-102 said:


> Perhaps she wished you a happy B-day so that she can look like the good guy?


kinda sensed that - but I feel it is more like - she does not ant to look like the bad guy...


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Bigtone, not everything is black and white.
> 
> It's possible your wife still cares about you on certain levels, that she genuinely wishes for you to have a happy life (for example by having a happy birthday) but that she wants you to have a happy life without you in her life, not wanting you to be her husband.
> 
> ...


good observation Matt...


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Bigtone:
> 
> 180


you are right count...i get hooked though..


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

I think you read way too much into a simple happy birthday.

Rule of thumb: Unless she actually says "I'm sorry", she's not sorry. Unless she actually tells you "I want to come back", she does not want to come back. Otherwise, you'll drive yourself crazy trying to interpret little things she says or does.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

JCD said:


> Do not read too much into that.
> 
> At this point, take it simply as a B-Day greeting.
> 
> ...


great advice JCD - one of the reasons I keep coming back to this forum....I need to hear stuff like this.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> At the very best it was just a reflex - perhaps made to appease the kids (one of them probably reminded her and rather than look petty she did the cheapest thing).
> 
> At worst, it's a calculated effort to keep you far in the wings but attached by slim threads in case things go south. That way she won't seem like a total Bioatch when she asks for favors, money, support etc.
> 
> Don't dwell. My three paragraphs were summarized by the count in three characters: 1 8 0


great advice walkonmars----good writing too....


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> okay - have not heard or spoken to my ex for months and out of the blue she sends me a text wishing me a happy birthday. okay - so i'm thinking either things are going badly for her or she is sorry and feeling the water. either way i would like to have good relations with her because of our children...THEN someone tells me she has befriended a old friend that enabled her in an EA before when we were married...then i get confused because it tells me she is not sorry? I do not know why i get so thrown off by her actions but i do...anyone else have these problems with their ex?


bigtone: I think the birthday thing is more to make her feel like she is a good person. And the "not sorry" thing is tough - my stbxw is the same. No remorse at all - still in a fog - maybe never getting out.

It's easy to get sucked into their headgames - I am a perfect example of this. One little text, on little smile (instead of a glare) and I go back onto this rollercoaster of false hope. My head knows that she is no good. But my heart hasn't got the message.

BTW, my birthday is this Thursday. I'll let you know what my stbxw does for it. Maybe she'll send me a text as she's getting undressed for POSOM2...


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

dymo said:


> I think you read way too much into a simple happy birthday.
> 
> Rule of thumb: Unless she actually says "I'm sorry", she's not sorry. Unless she actually tells you "I want to come back", she does not want to come back. Otherwise, you'll drive yourself crazy trying to interpret little things she says or does.


great advice - dymo - again one of the reasons I keep coming here.

One thing I keep thinking is she was really a nice womman who lost her way and I feel oblidged to help her find her way back...not necessarily to me just to get back to a healthy lifestyle.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> bigtone: I think the birthday thing is more to make her feel like she is a good person. And the "not sorry" thing is tough - my stbxw is the same. No remorse at all - still in a fog - maybe never getting out.
> 
> It's easy to get sucked into their headgames - I am a perfect example of this. One little text, on little smile (instead of a glare) and I go back onto this rollercoaster of false hope. My head knows that she is no good. But my heart hasn't got the message.
> 
> BTW, my birthday is this Thursday. I'll let you know what my stbxw does for it. Maybe she'll send me a text as she's getting undressed for POSOM2...


Thanks Cedar - true for me as well....yea let me know wha t happens for your birthday....I forget she is still messing around with s/o else...


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

So BT how are you doing?


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Thanks for asking Happy - well not so good today - things were going along fine and I was moving ahead in every way - then I got pneumonia twice and then trouble at work due to being ill - all this I can deal with but it is my youngest son I am most concerned with. 

He is stressed about money - something we always struggled with but as a family we were a unit and always made it through together. now there is just a bunch of secrecy - I have not spoken to her for over a year and I know her....she is and will be nattering away behind the scenes to them making me look bad .....whenever I mention to him it is due to the separation and pending divorce he says `No it is just due to the lack of money` but I know the resiliency and permanency of family is gone and she is probably saying to him whenever he asks for money "ask your father" and when he comes to me and I try to help him out that's fine but sometimes I get frustrated and say "where is your mother" and this leaves him feeling stranded.....I really feel badly for him...I hate her for that alone. Bad enough she screws around - but to destroy a family and a kids hopes and dreams in the process - that is unforgivable...
I am funny in that I can disengage once I see how much someone has hurt me....and frankly do not care if I ever saw her again....this must be hard on my son as well - he went from seeing two people loving each other to watching two people not even engage at all. But there really is nothing to be said....she showed me how she felt about me and there really is nothing left to be said....but hard on my son. I am worried about him. I used to fall back on "everything is meant to be" but in this case I am not sure.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> Thanks for asking Happy - well not so good today - things were going along fine and I was moving ahead in every way - then I got pneumonia twice and then trouble at work due to being ill - all this I can deal with but it is my youngest son I am most concerned with.
> 
> He is stressed about money - something we always struggled with but as a family we were a unit and always made it through together. now there is just a bunch of secrecy - I have not spoken to her for over a year and I know her....she is and will be nattering away behind the scenes to them making me look bad .....whenever I mention to him it is due to the separation and pending divorce he says `No it is just due to the lack of money` but I know the resiliency and permanency of family is gone and she is probably saying to him whenever he asks for money "ask your father" and when he comes to me and I try to help him out that's fine but sometimes I get frustrated and say "where is your mother" and this leaves him feeling stranded.....I really feel badly for him...I hate her for that alone. Bad enough she screws around - but to destroy a family and a kids hopes and dreams in the process - that is unforgivable...
> I am funny in that I can disengage once I see how much someone has hurt me....and frankly do not care if I ever saw her again....this must be hard on my son as well - he went from seeing two people loving each other to watching two people not even engage at all. But there really is nothing to be said....she showed me how she felt about me and there really is nothing left to be said....but hard on my son. I am worried about him. I used to fall back on "everything is meant to be" but in this case I am not sure.


BT

Have you ever called your wife and told her to stop getting the boys involved in the Divorce.

You are both harming them more than they need to be.

Not your fault that you are divorcing but every time you complain about their mother or say the reason $$$ are in short supply is because of your mother or the divorce..........

You see the pain keeps getting dished whether it is intentional or not.

If my STBX was pulling that I would pickup te phone and tell her to knock it off.

And one more note. Your wife reached out to you to wish you a happy bday.

You could respond and say thanks. To keep it amicable.

Or

You could respond with a short note that says please do not contact me unless it has to do with the Divorce or our children. Thanks for your cooperation.

Both responses show a cool confident man that puts his children before his WAW.

You need to show your Ex that the kids matter. She and her horrible actions do not.


How long before the divorce is finalized BT?


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Ignore altogether or a simple "thanks" at most.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Okay - the happy birthday to me was a result of my wishing her a happy birthday 10 days earlier...and it was just a text saying happy birthday - no more, no less. We literally have not talked...I do not know her phone number, address, nothing. like that movie Take this Waltz...where the former sister-in-law says "you just disappeared" such is the take here.....I think it is due to the fact she is embarrassed to show her face to me for what she has done and due to her telling all her friends at work that I was abusive so she could justify the affair....doesn't make sense if she is in contact with a so-called abuser now does it? So she is stuck in her web of lies and deceit. 

I have contacted her on numerous occasions stating that regardless of what happened between us - we could still work together for the kids-----no response. My sense is her AP would be upset with the contact (he is 20 years younger than her and quite immature) - so she tows the line for him. 

So there you have it. Tried all that----my sense is whenever I contact her she thinks I am getting weak and want her back so she feels empowered - so I no longer attempt to try. and I don't care.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Are you dating?


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

funny you ask - ironically no - for the first time in my adult life..I just do not see the point - I have plenty of opportunities but here is what I see when I see women - I see them as being interested in me and then when it is no longer convenient for them - they discard you....so I just do not bother...there is a cute girl I see on a regular basis (not dating but go to a similar place) and I know she is interested but just have no interest in going down the road again. enjoy her company and get the feeling from her like "why doesn't he ask or make a move?" I just don't want to---in a way I feel like a wounded dog licking his wounds....besides I want to make sure my kids and my youngest in particular is okay first before I move on. As you know, initially I dated because I wanted to get even with her but realize that is a failed strategy.....I have begun to question whether I will ever be in a committed relationship again....I do not feel sorry for myself - I just prefer to be alone....anyone ever go through this? I just feel I compromised so much of myself for the relationship and wonder why I did this....


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Oh, I do not discuss my break up with anyone - sounds like self pity and sounds like I am still grieving her which I am not and do not want to turn others off.....so I just work through it myself.


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## arked (Mar 2, 2013)

I think all cheaters have a script they follow, beats me where it comes from but they all seem to have just about the same script. I hear nothing for months then out of the blue my STBXW calls the house to talk about our grown daughter. Not a birthday wish but still a mind game. Probably best to let her wish go in one ear and out the other. Just saying.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Honestly it is like Satan himself enters their body. The person I see is not the person I knew for over 25 years. Or as others have pointed out so conveniently pointed out ----- this is the real her....the other one was just fake. 
One of her friends fb'd me the other day and she said my STBXW is NOW living closer to the real her than she was when she was married to me. She drinks and parties and has no responsibilities and that is the way she always wanted to be.....I thought that if one of her closest friends is saying that to me and sees that ....who am I to deny that?


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

I think you're in a good place, man. From the sound of it, the woman you married was not the woman your wife actually was, and you are much better off without her. However, reading your posts, I can still sense a lot of hurt. That won't go away, but it will continue to dull. I know you don't feel ready or interested, but casually dating a bit is the only thing--the final step as it were--that, in my experience, will let you move on "completely." This is my experience at least, take it for what you will and best of luck!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> Honestly it is like Satan himself enters their body. The person I see is not the person I knew for over 25 years. Or as others have pointed out so conveniently pointed out ----- this is the real her....the other one was just fake.
> One of her friends fb'd me the other day and she said my STBXW is NOW living closer to the real her than she was when she was married to me. She drinks and parties and has no responsibilities and that is the way she always wanted to be.....I thought that if one of her closest friends is saying that to me and sees that ....who am I to deny that?


And you think your wife's boyfriend immature?

Your wife is a fool, a selfish fool.

And I can see you not dating but I alo see a smart, articulate man that deserves to be happy.

And a woman in your life might not be so bad for you or your boys.

Don't short change yourself BT.

Especially because the first woman you married turned out o be such a fool.

HM64


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> She drinks and parties and has no responsibilities and that is the way she always wanted to be.....I thought that if one of her closest friends is saying that to me and sees that ....who am I to deny that?



Wow ! Now there is a sustainable lifestyle as a person is either gaining on or into their 50's (guessing age based on 26 year marriage). Are those the "golden years" I hear so much about ? 

I would say I pity her but she's a cheater so I don't.

Hang in there BigTone, you are in the right and on the right path.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

OM is 20 years younger than her? Someone with mommy issues I guess..


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> And you think your wife's boyfriend immature?
> 
> Your wife is a fool, a selfish fool.
> 
> ...


Thanks Happy - I appreciate the support - still a bit gun-shy - I do not want to get emotionally involved with anyone - but I get the point. 

Here's something I have been thinking - when everyone is running away from the person you are running towards - it is a good sign you are on the wrong path - NOT that you know something they don't - probably they know something you don't.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

barbados said:


> Wow ! Now there is a sustainable lifestyle as a person is either gaining on or into their 50's (guessing age based on 26 year marriage). Are those the "golden years" I hear so much about ?
> 
> I would say I pity her but she's a cheater so I don't.
> 
> Hang in there BigTone, you are in the right and on the right path.


Thanks Barbados....I appreciate it.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> OM is 20 years younger than her? Someone with mommy issues I guess..


I'd say but I don't give a crap about his issues other than what his karma will provide for him in the future.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> If you are in contact with any of your wife's friends who are single and good looking, I'd try to date one just to stick a thumb in your STBXW's eye...


Naw, do not care about her hose-bag friends.....I tend to go younger (given I look young for my age)....but not looking to hurt my ex.....I am past her...just want what is good for me.
Problem with younger women...they want children, not looking to go there.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> Thanks Happy - I appreciate the support - still a bit gun-shy - I do not want to get emotionally involved with anyone - but I get the point.
> 
> Here's something I have been thinking - when everyone is running away from the person you are running towards - it is a good sign you are on the wrong path - NOT that you know something they don't - probably they know something you don't.


You are right BT.

And there is nothing wrong with being alone. If you are a priest...

Just kidding. You do what is best for you.



> I thought that if one of her closest friends is saying that to me and sees that ....who am I to deny that?


It is not a question of you denying it. What her friend is saying is that your wife never grew up. For a woman to walk away from her husband and kids because she wants to live like a out of control 20 year old then that person has issues.

End of story.



> The person I see is not the person I knew for over 25 years.


All I will say is how can someone lie to herself and her husband for 25 years that she wanted to be single and live the single lifestyle.

Not your problem now BT. But I am sure you are left scratching your head.

I just hope that someday you stop scratching your head and come to the realization that there is better out there.

PEACE

HM64


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