# Should sex be put on the backburner for now???



## 2goornot2 (Nov 18, 2009)

My husband and me are going through a really hard time in our marriage right now. I'm trying to decide whether to divorce/separate. We have been to one counseling session, but feel we got nowhere. Now my question is I don't really feel sexual right now and was wondering if we should hold off on having sex till we resolve our marital issues, or am I wrong for wanting that? Sex is important, but in the past it was a quick way to make up, problems still unresolved. I'm confused as to what is appropriate, I don't want him to think I'm using sex as a way to manipulate the situation for my own benefit. Denying him sex until I get what I want...Please any advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I don't think you should put sex on the backburner if you have a hope of holding it together. Most men experience love through sex. Cut the sex off and they don't experience love, and from their point of view, there's no point continuing a relationship. Not saying you have to compromise yourself to please him, but sex is one of the glues that holds a marriage together. _"Hey it's all falling apart, should I stop using one of the glues?"_

So what's the actual set of problems your marriage is facing?


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## 2goornot2 (Nov 18, 2009)

Most of our problems revolve around poor communication. He feels like he's not heard, and I don't feel like he hears me. He blames me for the way the marriage is. If I would only stop being me and change, then everything would be fine. He avoids talking about our problems by hiding in the garage for 6-8 hours a day when he is off from work, then he works 12 hours shifts when he works. We have 3 young children, 6,5 and almost 4, I feel like a single mom most of the time. We married in 2003 which at that time I was pregnant with our first child and also was diagnosed with bipolar disorder/PTSD/anxiety disorder. I was literally pregnant for the first 3 years of our marriage and really couldn't treat the disorders with meds. It's been a stuggle from the very beginning trying to balance myself, the marriage, household and 3 children. He gives me ultimatums to either change or it's over, he complains that the rollercoaster ride is too stressful, I agree most of the time I'm sick and tired of it. I see a therapist and am taking my meds, but it takes time and he wants the change by tomorrow. I feel that the more demands he puts on me causes me more stress which doesn't help with dealing with my mental illnesses on top of everything else that may be going on, so it's been one vicious cycle over and over.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

As a man with a 'rollercoaster' wife I can tell you the ride gets old quick. I want neither the 'highs' nor the 'lows'...just be level headed.

Sex is vital. I think you'll be doing more damage if you hold off. Be affectionate and if nothing else is working in your marriage, at least you have that. If there's a part of the marriage to hold onto then you can rebuild.

Try to be aware of the rollercoaster effect - that's probably all you need to change.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

2goornot2 said:


> Denying him sex until I get what I want...Please any advice would be greatly appreciated.


In the animal kingdom, sex is the basis of... mating 

As humans we try to pretend we are above all that. If you cut out the sex in the relationship, all you have left -if you are lucky- is friendship. Unfortunately there is one other thing that you also have left - baggage. Sex helps blot out the feeling of carrying all that heavy heavy baggage.

Bottom line. If the sex is still working, don't blow it. It's the glue that will help you make it through the rough patch


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Reverse your approach. 

Give him BETTER sex and more of it. And then tell him you need him to be more loving in terms of patience etc. He likely will. Cutting off sex now will escalate the tension level. Far better to just divorce if you are ready to be on your own. 

Can you support yourself if you get divorced?





2goornot2 said:


> Most of our problems revolve around poor communication. He feels like he's not heard, and I don't feel like he hears me. He blames me for the way the marriage is. If I would only stop being me and change, then everything would be fine. He avoids talking about our problems by hiding in the garage for 6-8 hours a day when he is off from work, then he works 12 hours shifts when he works. We have 3 young children, 6,5 and almost 4, I feel like a single mom most of the time. We married in 2003 which at that time I was pregnant with our first child and also was diagnosed with bipolar disorder/PTSD/anxiety disorder. I was literally pregnant for the first 3 years of our marriage and really couldn't treat the disorders with meds. It's been a stuggle from the very beginning trying to balance myself, the marriage, household and 3 children. He gives me ultimatums to either change or it's over, he complains that the rollercoaster ride is too stressful, I agree most of the time I'm sick and tired of it. I see a therapist and am taking my meds, but it takes time and he wants the change by tomorrow. I feel that the more demands he puts on me causes me more stress which doesn't help with dealing with my mental illnesses on top of everything else that may be going on, so it's been one vicious cycle over and over.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi, My experience has been when my husband has the no sex until things are better deal going on it takes a lot longer to re-connect. If that part is working than don't stop that connection, it's easier to fix part of the problem than fixing all of the parts.


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## 2goornot2 (Nov 18, 2009)

Thanks for all the input...the sex is awesome. I do struggle with wanting to make it better..I'm the one with the higher sex drive in the relationship and I admit that sometimes I visit porn sites to get ideas to add something new or different to the moment...I totally agree that sex is very important for the marriage and a great way to express love to one another. You are all right about stopping it completely, that one thing is what is holding this relationship together at the moment...Thanks again for all help


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## 2goornot2 (Nov 18, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> Reverse your approach.
> 
> Give him BETTER sex and more of it. And then tell him you need him to be more loving in terms of patience etc. He likely will. Cutting off sex now will escalate the tension level. Far better to just divorce if you are ready to be on your own.
> 
> Can you support yourself if you get divorced?


To answer the question about supporting myself if there was a divorce, the answer is that it would be tough, but eventually I would work things out..I don't work because I am on social security disability, but I also don't want to just stay for the sake of money...


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