# My wife seems to be confused about her sexuality



## iwnfila2 (Dec 5, 2011)

Hi;

I posted this on the "Sex & Marriage" section but I was advised to post it here too, so here it goes:

Let's see, how to start this... I am a 31 years old male, heterosexual, married to a 27 years old girl since soon 5 years. We have a kid who just turned 2 and who makes us very happy as parents.

We met through a discussion Forum (of all places) about 6 years ago and we hit it off pretty rapidly. I immediately fell in love with her, with her views of the world, how she thinks, and also about the fact that she wanted to have a stable, healthy relationship after failing to find someone who would give her such stability, as did I. I was going through a "celibacy patch" of sorts, I did not wanted to meet any girl unless she met my criteria and she met it, perhaps not completely but at least 95% of the important points.

She was living in Europe, I was living in North America, and though the distance was great, we still confessed to each other how much we cared for one another, and vowed to meet each other as soon as possible. Lucky for me, she was going to go on vacations relatively soon to North America, so I did what I had to do to go and meet her. From the very first second I saw her I knew in my heart I loved her. She wasn't, and still isn't perfect, but I love her with all my heart, and we spent a whole weekend proving to each other we loved one another.

Yes, there was sex, lots of it, but there was also holding hands, eating pizza out of each other's hands, going to movies (and stealing a movie too), generally good fun, and the best start of a relationship I have ever had. Time run out, I had to come back to my reality and she had to go back to hers, but we couldn't stop it there.

Long story short, we jumped and hooped all sort of obstacles and married on the very same date we met a year later.

I knew way before we married that she, at least though, she was bisexual. She didn't had any experience with girls but she was sexually aroused by both genders, and quite sincerely I had no problems with this. I always told her I would support her, and I have done so, so long as my needs/our relationship would be paramount and first over anything else. The first three years of our relationship went by the usual way: some money problems, family meddling, some problems in bed sometimes, but nothing that worried me. We were happy, and even though we had problems our complicity was always top-notch, we used to finish each other sentences and not only the first year, we are both fairly smart and we challenged each other, something that fascinated me, because I can't be attracted to someone who I deem to be stupid, so to speak.

We had our kid, and things were still going pretty well, so to speak. Our sex life, and her sex drive (except for when she was pregnant) reduced considerably, even though I tried many ways to rekindle it. Getting shut down almost everytime, though, became tiring. I let her know so, and also suggested she/we visit a sexual therapist, some kind of professional help, but for various reasons it didn't happen.

Fast forward a few months later, she contacts a female friend of her (that she met while we were dating since both were living in Europe, with whom she shared a kiss/some kind of light sexual contact) and they developed a very good friendship. I saw no problems in this, I was this her #1 and our relationship seemed as secure as always, despite the problems. They talked and messaged each other non stop, but this isn't out of the usual for two girls. My wife was always attracted to her, I wouldn't mind, and her friend always seemed "on the fence". Being both married, with kids, I figured they would both be comfortable enough to share a night of sexual passion if need be, and be able to work it out as what it was - just sex.

Well, they met during one week about two months ago, and everything has changed ever since. Like I said, it's not as if our sexual life was the best before they met, but it basically went from wherever it was to zero. I noticed, almost right away, how my wife changed with me, even if she didn't realized it at first. She cried, with me and alone I guess, over this and with time she has come to confess she has strong feelings for her friend, which basically are stronger than for me, or at least so it seems. So, in essence, I *feel* as if I have been replaced for somebody/something else. She has also since then admitted her sex drive, for men in general (including me), has dropped to the point where she doesn't have any desire for heterosexual sex. Or, maybe she does, but not right now. That's as best as I can describe it.

I have been taking this rather badly. Not only because in some way I feel sort of betrayed by the whole situation (after all, I never told her not to pursue her fantasies and even played with her sometimes with them in bed), but because I feel I am getting the short stick of it all, and not only sexually. The complicity we had, though still there, is shaky, and we had fought too many times about this to count, which doesn't help. I can't cope very well with it, she still is the love of my life but I don't know if I'm still something more than a friend for her. There are worse days than others, but usually I am moody, not very inclined to constructive conversation and I am having a very hard time believing she's about to separate (not yet divorce, though there has been some talks I'd rather not think about) from me, to be alone as she has told me she desires to think about what she wants.

One detail that I think is good to note is, like I said, she was unfulfilled with relationships before, as was I. She has told me in great detail the way boys have broken her heart before and how she was a bit promiscuous even though she just wanted a healthy relationship. I always tried to be the best husband I could be, though I know I am not perfect. She once let me read her diary and I could read how she would fall in love/get head over hills for people who would either use her or not be in it for what she wanted.

Though I know her friend is not a guy, the fact that she's confused about her sexuality now scares me. She says I am the best man she could ever get, that she cares for what we have but that she cannot be egoist and have me wait for her – which is true. We are separating soon, so she can sort out her problems/desires (which, I guess, also imply having sex with other women, or perhaps the women I think she fell in love with, to be more precise).

Is this a phase? Is she turning into lesbian? Or is she just confused about her bisexuality and having problems reconciliating the fact that she enjoys having sex with women with her feelings, for me and for her? I honestly don’t know. I hope she’s not falling in love with her because “it’s new”. Our sex life, right now, is non existent. We did tried to have sex, at her request, about three weeks ago but it wasn’t the same. It’s as if she wasn’t there, or I was bothering her, and that coupled to the fact I had masturbated myself in the morning (like almost daily since this whole thing started) made it impossible to enjoy. I couldn’t orgasm.

It isn’t about sex completely anymore. It’s about her feelings for her friend and for me. I am aware she’s not having the time of her life, because she used to be very sexual with men (I can attest to this fact because we did used to have great, body-wretching-for-a-few-minutes sex) and now she’s extremely confused, I can’t obviously not imagine what she’s going through, but I am very, very scared of what this all means for us as a couple. Yes, we are going to separate, but how is this going to help our relationship? I guess if she has more time to think about what she wants or need, with me not being around being depressed (no matter how hard I try not to), it can only help, but there’s always the chance that, in the end, I will end up losing her. Yes, losing someone who does not love you anymore is not really losing, but I have given this relationship a lot of myself because I truly believed in it, and this is a blindside. I still have problems with it, obviously.
I also fear I’m not what she wants anymore. That she doesn’t love me anymore, basically. She might care for me, yes, and I’ll always be the father of our child but this scares the living hell out of me, because I still love her deeply. She has said it would be a lose-lose situation for her if she decided not to come back with me (her family, academic situation and feelings would be torn, among other things) but this is indeed a possibility. There are more talks about going to a sexual therapist, but she has gone only once in more than a month (I think) and I cannot force this on her.

Any thoughts? I know this is long, and long-winded, but I needed to vent. Please feel free to ask me any detail that could help you give me an answer. If it’s feasible, I will give you an answer. 

Please also bear in mind that I know it takes two to tango. This was OUR relationship to break. But I am still the same guy she met 6 years ago, at least sexually/sentimentally I am. In no way I think this is her fault completely, but even though it takes two to tango, she is the one who (might have) fell in love with someone else – what I thought was merely a fantasy that I accepted in her like I accepted her as a whole when we married.
I would appreciate any feedback.

Thanks.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

you have got to get tough with her man...cheating is cheating no matter who its with...a man or a woman...if you want to save this marriage you gotta take the neccessary steps...read other threads, you will see similaritys in your life to people whos WS are hetrosexualy cheating...back to my orginial point. cheating is cheating.. read up on the 180.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your approach so far has been that of a sensitive, kind, understanding spouse. All very reasonable, and exactly the wrong thing to be doing.

You let and even encouraged your wife to reconnect with a person she had attraction and feelings for.
You accepted them putting huge amounts of time energy and emotion into building a relationship.
You accept them physically meeting up.

You basically accepted your wife starting up an EA and it sounds like a PA as well.

Now repeat after me: being bi is not a hall pass to cheat.
Being a good husband, doesn't mean accepting your effect stepping out to "explore her needs"

Stop accepting your wife contact this person and choosing her over you and her family.

Let your wife know that there is no way any relationship works if one of the people pulls out and puts all their passion someplace else. Your marriage will end unless she ends her affair with this OW and returns to putting her energy into her family and her existing commitment. She is no longer a single person who can flit around. She's a wife and a mom, and she needs to work on the marriage, and on defending the marriage from threats. Right now the biggest threat to the family and marriage is her affair with this other person.

She has no attraction to you, because she s attracted to her affair. Before attraction to you can return she must end contact with the OW. She must end the affair. This means no contact.

You need to set that as a hard boundary that you will not accept her crossing. If she can't accept that, then frankly see a lawyer and show her you mean it. The divorce process can always be cancelled at any point.

Her separating and moving out is just an excuse to be free to hook up and explore, what this really means is to cheat. To give her affair partner a spin to see if she likes her better than you.. That's insane to even contemplate approving.

Woud you be so accommodating if this was another man? An old BF? What woud you be doing in that case?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

This is very important and that is that you must get in touch and tell her girlfriend's husband. He has a right to know. By not doing this you are sending a message to her girlfriend that it is acceptable to cheat on her husband with your wife without fear of any consequences whatsoever.

You are in fact allowing you wife and her lover to continue in their sexual affair without any consequences. It would be the same thing if your wife was screwing another man. If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would be as accepting as you have been? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

Your wife no longer respects you and your marriage. You have turned into a doormat. Nobody and I mean nobody respects a doormat. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

I strongly suggest that you contact an attorney to understand your options. Allowing your wife to continue her betrayal of you without consequences will ensure that your marriage will be destroyed. Enough is enough. Good luck.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

You made the mistake of allowing your W to continue cheating on you "physically" with OW throughout your marriage. If she is capable of having sex with both genders, then it means she is capable of falling in love with both genders as well. 

Any relationship past the honeymoon phase loses the pleasure chemicals that have been pumping out before that point, and that process is difficult to reverse. Thus, once the spouse finds the new love interest after such phase, the old love, which is you, stands no chance. She just does not feel the same degree of excitement and attraction with you as with the new love interest. This is where she is at, I think.

So, in that sense, her situation is not all that different from any other run-in-a-mill infidelity story. This well could have been with any other man for that matter. The fact that her lover is a woman throws some confusion in the mist, but the whole process and the consequence are very similar. 

You have to inform the OWM immediatley, and hope she would throw your W to the curb and somehow find her way back to you. If however OW leaves her BH to stay with your W, then you should accept that your marriage is over. 

As another possiblity, even if OWM decides to end the relationship with your W, if she realizes that she should embrace lesbianism as her true calling, then she would not come back to you regardless. For now, just concentrate on how to break up this affair and hope for the best.

FYI, my XW was a bisexual, but as far as I know she never cheated with another woman and I certainly would not have allowed her to have any sexual relationship with another woman. All throughout our marriage, my XW was always interested in pretty women. She used to enjoy looking at pretty women on TV and magazines just like we men do, which bothered me greatly but I was comforted by the thought that she knew better than acting out on her such impulses. Some men take their W's lesbian affair somewhat lightly thinking it is not as destructive as with men, and this is a huge mistake. 

I am sorry you are in this sitch.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

These "Plan A" type approaches never seem to do nothing but enable affairs.


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## iwnfila2 (Dec 5, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iwnfila2 (Dec 5, 2011)

Doc

What happened since my first post

*

Ok, so I will try to be as chronological and as precise as possible, because I still need advice and doing it that way may be the best way for anyone here to help me or give me advice.
*
So, at the end of the month where I wrote my post, I decided I was going to take 3 weeks vacations back to North America with my child, leaving her behind, for two main reasons: she asked me time to think, alone, and the second one is *I* also needed time to think and sort my thoughts, about me, her, our situation, and the whole lot of things this carries over. *Thinking back to it, I think I mainly did it because I needed to think too, alone, and far away from her.
*
So, I left. *While this was not done without her permission, she still expressed how she wasn’t quite happy about it on one side (our marriage anniversary would come to pass during my vacations) but it had to be done, and flight tickets do not really care about anniversary dates. *I was also sad at this, but I guess I told myself I was already in deep emotional denial, one thing more or less wouldn’t make a difference. *It did, but I, as well as her so far as I know, got over it.
*
During my vacations we communicated very scarcely. *We have a kid together, so of course I would send her pictures of our child and tell her how he was doing, but I willingly withdraw from asking her how she was doing, what she was thinking, or anything that had to do with us. *She asked me time to think alone, so I guessed alone meant also having as little communication between us as possible.
*
I used that spare time to talk with my best friends, people who have known me for years and who went the distance, and way beyond, to make me feel better and give me advice. *I realized a lot of things while there, and all of them told me fairly the same thing: the decision was mine, and I had to think of our child before hand and above else, but that situation had no reason to stay the way it was, and I didn’t had to pay for whatever she was going through.
*
So, as realizations came pouring in, I came to a big one: I wouldn’t let this situation unfold, and be treated like a door mat anymore. *Not psychologically, nor sexually. *Our sexual “life” was already in the toilet, so the loss in my mind was minimal, though hurtful. *But I had done plenty of things (among those a few mentioned already here) that were just me opening myself to be hurt. *I decided to change that, so I made peace with the fact that this might, in fact, be the end of our relationship and marriage. *That when I would go back to Europe, I would just tell her I wanted out, because she was (in my opinion) not interested in me anymore and that while it hurt, it had to be that way, and that time cures everything.
*
So I went my way with this mindset. *My wife sensed my emotional distance and asked me if I was ok, I said yes, and towards the end of my vacations she said she didn’t wanted to separate from me. *I said ok, but that I wanted to talk about this in person, not through chat or msn or whatever other medium. *And before you ask, no, she did not met with anyone while I was away. *How do I know? *I trusted her with that. *Even if I didn’t, I would have ways to know, I just choose not to look into it because I told her I wouldn’t accept that. *Trust me, she didn’t.
*
Upon coming back to Europe, we talked normally (or at least as normally as a couple with our kind of problems and with a child can talk) and I waited a few days for her to bring up the subject. *We shared some sexual contact (not sex), but I don’t know if it was a good idea or not. *I enjoyed it, but lets be real, I’ve been denied (basically) of sex for months now, while being married to a woman that supposedly loves me. *So of course I would enjoy it.
*
We talked about our situation and she again stated she did not want to separate. *I told her that I didn’t wanted to either, but that the situation at hand wasn’t a situation I was ready, nor willing to live with. *So, in order to stay together, I told her there would be a few things that would need to change, or that I would just say “ok, this is done. *You live your life, and I live mine, wish you good luck, and goodbye”:
*
1 – We would have to go get professional help, for both of us, from a certified psychologist/sexologist. *She told me before I left for North America that she always felt she had to “put out” with her past boyfriends in order for them not to forget her, so she was using sex to get attention, so now that she found someone who was willing to stay with her for who she was, she felt she was at a loss as to what she had to do to keep me happy. *I did not get her logic, but I do know she is confused (by that or anything else), so we needed to consult.
*
2 – We would have to deal with our things, together, and together alone (with our psy/sexo). *We had discussed, separately, our situation with our loved ones (family and friends) and it led to some nasty situations, specially with her family who are for some reason or another incapable of keeping a secret and not discussing it with whoever they deem it necessary. *This concerns my private life, something I am REALLY obsessed with, and that I share with only a few chosen ones. *This of course pissed the hell out of me, and I told her so.
*
3 – Most importantly, I told her that she had to cut all ties, immediately, with the woman she is/was (in my opinion) infatuated with. *I told her it wasn’t something up for discussion, and that I didn’t really cared if she thought it was fair or not. *I explained her that this extra-marital relationship she was having (because it’s what it had become) was putting a strain on our relationship and marriage and that no, I wasn’t going to have it anymore. * No contact, not even as friends, at least not as long as she planned to have a future with me in the mix.
*
I told her these were conditions I would not allow to be bypassed. *We could either go on with them or go our separate ways. *In the end, she accepted them all, and though she showed me that she decided (before I asked her) to cut ties with this woman (which sort of showed me some kind of consideration, at least for our relationship), she did not seem all that happy or content with the fact I decided it was going to be “forever”, because she has common friends with her. *I told her I did not asked her to be uncivil to her if they ever met by chance somewhere, but that anything beyond “hi, how are you” would be unacceptable in my eyes and I would end it, on the spot, no questions asked.
Not only because of the way it hurt me, but because I could not trust either of them with abiding to the limits they were supposed to have, so if they did it once, surely they could do it twice.

Since then, we have had a few intimate moments, but at the same rate as before. *In the last three months or so I can count on one hand the times we have had sex. *This will probably remain that way indefinitely, because I am not willing anymore to ask for attention and not be reprocicated in the way i feel two persons who love each other should.

We are going already to the psy, the first time we went together but she went the second time alone, and will continue to do so for at least the next three visits, and I will go with her whenever the psy thinks its appropiate. *This was the psy idea, I think its not a bad idea.

Personally, I think (I am actually pretty convinced) she is in love with this other woman and is now going through the "withdrawal" effect of a breakup, as illogical to me as this sounds. *She has not admitted this to me, but I know what it looks like and she's a painting of it. *I have thought of leaving her if she's in love with her and let her do with her life whatever she wants, but our situation and the place where we live make it that, if pushes came to shoves, i would end up giving to her about 80% of my paycheck, because i am currently the only one working and the child is my responsability. *But as she has not admitted to me anything (i also think she is really a lesbian and just realized it and does not want to tell me) i decided to try and make it work. *If we do end up breaking up, she has promised to do whatever has to be done in order to get a job and let me keep my life as it is, so long as I stay close from our child. *She has been looking for a job since January. *Of course if she is a lesbian, sucks to be me, but at least I'll know. *Sucks to have lost such a longtime on a doomed relationship, with a kid in the mix.

As far as her sexual identity is concerned, she will discuss it with her psy, when the time comes. *As for me, I am not putting too much hope on all this. *I do want it to work, but not at the expense of my sanity. *If things dont get better after a fair amount of time, I will sadly have to end it, specially if it doesnt get better because she cant love me anymore like I deserve (as a person and as a man) for whatever reason.

Thats pretty much it. *Sorry for such a long post.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

you handled it pretty well..


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