# Crying in time of emotional pain towards DS



## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

One thing I have learned throuhgout my crisis is that I am a pretty emotional guy. After the revelations of extreme gas lighting, lying and cheating, I am an emotional mess. The pain is nothing I have ever experienced in my life before.

I actually cry almost ever damn day. I can be sitting behind my work computer, think about my situation and everything that has happened, think about my broken family and just start crying. I have trouble talking with folks about my situation, including my counsellor without getting choked up, and having to dry my eyes. I can be driving down the road, then boom! here come tears.

My DS knows I do this, because I told her. I have not cried directly towards her (live) but she has to know at this point how hurt I am by all the emails I have sent and admissioin to shedding tears. 

At one point, before all the revelations I think the marriage may have been salvageable. There is too much wreckage now. This vehicle is totalled. Is letting my DS know I cry "healthy". Should I wear my heart out on my sleeve, or should I "man up" and act like I don't care. All I know is this is the saddest and hurt I ever recall being in my 46 years.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I understand you r pain pj, the pain can be overwhelming


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The pain from infidelity is excruciating. 

You will get through it though. Promise.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Well my take is do'nt let her know. See people want what they cant have and when you give the perseption of confidence and strenght, it's like "I'll show you I can move on better then before"

I think of it as compitition, that I'm the stronger person and that the DS is the one that failed and is weak for cheating. No matter what give off that persona that you will succeed and not that you don't care but that you are stronger then her and you will over come so ha ha to them.

So act positive when you have to communicate with her show her that you are confident and she is the one that has lost.
Lost a strong man that stopped taking grap and is moving on for a better life a better life with out her. 

Its tough but what better way to say good by then to make them believe they are the failure and you are the stronger person.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Read up on the 180. It is a tool about empowering yourself and helping yourself detach from her. DO NOT let her know that you are crying about this ever again, it solves nothing, and is incredibly unattractive to her. Your self esteem is taking a huge hit, get it back.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I have also cried more since finding out than I have in probably 20 years. We're about the same age. I'm 40. I learned on here that crying is actually therapeutic. You know how you feel better after crying? There was a study of tears. The chemical composition of happy tears and sad tears is different. I don't remember the specifics, but there is a difference. 

Let it out, dude. I've had to close the door to my office several times and just let the tears roll.

I did cry a time or two in front of her. The 180 says not to. That is probably more appropriate. She said it showed her that I care. However, she has said a lot of things that aren't true so who knows? The 180 is more for your own benefit. You work on the 180 and they will notice. That isn't the main purpose, but they will still notice the difference.


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## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

I'm not crying though due to lost self esteem. I'm crying due to lack of regard for my family and the torn family fabric. I cry for my kids as well.

Shouldn't i let her see the pain in my eyes? I guess maybe it doesn't accomplish anything because in her twisted head she really thinks I deserved this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

pjbap said:


> Shouldn't i let her see the pain in my eyes? I guess maybe it doesn't accomplish anything because in her twisted head she really thinks I deserved this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You pretty much answered your own question there. I don't know if you've lurked in any OW or OM forums, but one thing in general is clear, they feel absolutely justified about their affair while they are in it, and they care nothing for the betrayed spouse's feelings. Some incredibly, actually feel enjoyment out of seeing the pain they have inflicted. Sick I know.

If you have to let it out, do it in private, or with a trusted friend.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

pjbap said:


> I'm not crying though due to lost self esteem. I'm crying due to lack of regard for my family and the torn family fabric. I cry for my kids as well.
> 
> Shouldn't i let her see the pain in my eyes? I guess maybe it doesn't accomplish anything because in her twisted head she really thinks I deserved this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No. This is counter productive. It makes you appear to her less attractive, less desireable and less of a man. 

Now don't get me wrong, this thinking on her part will be totally messed up. I empathize with you and understand this is not the reality. The best thing is for you to look strong and like you will go on without her.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Funny. I posted this below in the Letting Go thread. I feel Ok now

###################
This morning unbearable sadness consumes me. There is no consolation. There is no anger. There are no pictures in my head. There is no hope of redemption. There are no strategies.

The Loss of my one great love in my life. Twenty Five years is a long time.

My children's loss and seeing their sadness denied by their Mother.

Loss.

The tears roll. I make no attempt to stop them. 
Running down my face. 
Dripping off my chin. Quietly, that stream of sadness staining my clothes. 
With acceptance comes unbearable sadness. 
With forgiveness there is sadness. 

Today the sadness can consume me. It is normal. Sometimes I want to feel it. Sometimes, it is healthy. 

It is Letting Go.
_______________


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Me too! 39, and it comes at times I never expect it. Makes a 20" Dell flat panel hard to see.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Don't feel bad. I used to never cry. As a matter of fact physical pain cannot make me cry.....just grit my teath and yell but no tears. My wifes infidelity..... I've never experienced anything like this. This messed me up beyond anything I could ever imagine. I've done that snotty sobing crying at times....like a little kid with a badly skinned knee.

I actually have to watch my alcohol intake because I have a tendency to allow myself to feel bad when I'm drinking. And I don't like that. I can fight it back most of the time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

The crying is so tough. I will say this, it's been 6 days since D day for us. I cried like a baby the first 3-4 days. A tiny bit yesterday. Some in front of her, some not. But today, no tears. And I am going to try my damndest not to cry in front of her again about this. The emotional waves come less frequently now as I focus on work, eating right, etc. I am in the middle of the effort to be and look strong, to be more attractive. 

If you want any hope of surviving this and staying married (if this is even what you want), you should save the waterworks for when you are alone.


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## CharlieBrown (May 10, 2011)

Same thing here. I am a very emoitional person. Initially, all I did was cry, in front of her. I have been totally consumed by the possibility of losing her. When it hurts really bad at wild times, I never know when something will be the "trigger" for incredible sadness, it totally consumes me, I cant focus on anything, work, hobbies, etc. I have missed so much work in the past month, Im shocked I still have a job, but I can help it. Something inside takes over and I get so hurt. The biggest bummer is, I consider my wife my best friend and when Im hurt, she is the only one i want to go to, but I cant. Most will say I am very weak, thinking 100% Beta male, from what I read, but...its who I am. Im with you all here. Im hurting still today, but somehow, maybe its spending my time on here, I am actually starting to make it through my day. My IC put me on Xanax and boy....that really takes the edge off for me and it becomes effective very fast, generally within 20 minutes. I am not even having to take it 3 times a day, like I did 3 weeks ago. I believe that is due to the fact, that slowly, I am getting stronger. It just sux for me after 25 years (26, July 13th) that I might actually have to live life on my own. I went directly from living at home one day, to being married the next. I have no idea what to expect and at age 45 its hard to imagine learning now. Keep your chin up. It will SLOOOOWly get better.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

This is just my opinion. I don't think that crying in front of her will have any impact on her whatsoever, so if you're crying to trigger some sort of remorse in her--don't even bother. 

On the other hand, if you are sincere and at the moment feel sad and tears come--then I say cry because it's what's in your heart, whether she is there or not. It is reality and it does no good to shield her from reality. But cry because you feel sorrown, not because you hope she feels something.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Nothing you do, nothing in your expression of pain means a darn thing to a cheater.

But if you feel it, then go for it.

Only when the cheater either has some personal impact they find uncomfortable OR somehow finally acquire a moral conscience do they stop cheating. And even then they don't usually attempt to repair the damage they've done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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