# Childish and Churlish Fantasy



## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Since separating from my ex, I occasionally have this fantasy where I run into him somewhere. In my fantasy he looks like hell and is alone and/or with a total she-beast. Meanwhile I look like I could be on the cover of Vogue, just got a raise, and have some dude with a six pack on my arm. 

I use this fantasy occasionally when I am at the gym - for some reason it makes me workout longer/harder/faster. I realize it is totally stupid and childish and I'm starting to wonder if it's detrimental to my recovery? New Therapist says it's fine as long as it's not obsessive, but I'm kind of wondering if it's in the same category as the "mind movies" we make when we discover a cheating spouse.

Do any of you have these thoughts? Do they go away with time? And has anyone had this happen IRL? If so, did it feel good or was it one of those moments you think is going to be awesome, but really it's more like, meh?


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

I can understand it. I have them but less and less frequently as time goes by. for me, it is usually more along the lines of him dealing with a fatal disease and dying a sad, pitiful, lonely death, surrounded by...no one.  Yeah, I am mean. He is broken and lonely while I have this fab life, surrounded by love and laughter. So far, so good. Heh.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I think it's natural to want to show an ex "look what YOU gave up - and for WHAT?" As you said, as long as you aren't obsessive over it and when dating, don't overlook guys who don't meet the standards of your 'dream' man, I think it's just good motivation and positive reinforcement that you have value.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

this is a type of revenge fantasy.

as they say, the best revenge is living well.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Yeah I still catch myself doing that at times. Though honestly it's very infrequent now. Everyone wants to be someone's catch. The thought of invoking jealousy makes us feel good.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

I am guilty of it .. I think we all are, even the ones that left us.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think it's normal to wonder what it'd be like to see someone who hurt us and be looking/feeling fabulous while they look/feel terrible.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

The germans call it Schadenfreude. 
It is when you get pleasure from the misfortune of others.

It's related to a perception of self value. IE "Since you left me, your world has turned to crap. I was what brought out the best in you"

That said, its a pretty natural thing to do.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

It's not healthy. You're becoming attached to the idea of meeting your ex again, even if it's just so you can put him down, and you're teaching yourself to depend on that fantasy to become motivated.

Even when you're not in contact you still want to follow the no contact rule with your fantasies.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Schadenfreude - yes! I remember that phrase from the musical "Avenue Q." LOL. When it does happen now I am trying to reframe it as in, "I am doing this for ME, not for anyone else!" The frequency continues to die down so that's a good thing. I think laying off the "Eff my Ex" playlist I created for the gym is also helping….although I'm not going to lie, it served it's purpose!  

I agree about following no contact with fantasies but I also think it's impossible to control our thoughts from wandering 100% of the time - if I'm batting at 85% I'm happy.


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