# I'm so lost...please help



## fallen5340 (Oct 21, 2011)

I'm here because I feel I have no where else to turn. My wife and I have been married for 9 years and together for 10 years, and we have an 8 year old daughter together. Our marriage has never been perfect like most everyone else, but one thing I can say is that she's never been unfaithful to me. I, on the other hand, have been less than faithful to her. I've twice been on a dating website, and both times I never met anyone in person, or even talked to anyone on the site, but she found out about it both times. And also, both times she forgave me and stayed with me to try and make it work. I explained to her that I would go to these sites when I was feeling extremely insecure about our relationship and her feelings for me. (no excuse, but it's how I felt) And now?

Recently, I met a woman who came into my work. We exchanged numbers and began talking and texting on the phone quite often for about 2 months. This happened during a period when my wife and I were going through another really low point in our marriage, (again, not an excuse whatsoever) but I eventually called it off and stopped communicating with the woman altogether, with her initial visit to the store when we met being the only time we were ever around each other. Again, my wife found out by finding the woman's number and she flipped. But to make matters worse, I tried to lie about the whole thing when she asked me about it. And now she's sure she wants a divorce. She's already found an apartment, and is moving out with our daughter in three weeks. I know she still loves me, as she says so, but she says her willingness to try any longer is completely drained, and I totally understand. One of the problems though is that we've only gone to marriage counseling once in the past, and it was one session. We've never gone back since or ever attempted to really figure out where the real problems are in the marriage. But because of the way I handled everything this time around, she doesn't see one reason to try and fix things now. She's angry, hurt, jaded, embarrassed, and ready to let me go, but she says she still doesn't want anyone else to have me. We're both still living in the house we've always shared currently, but we alternate nights in the bed and with the kid, respectively. I tell her that I don't want to give up our marriage and i'm always going to be holding out hope that one day she'll change her mind and gives us a chance again. I really don't expect her to feel any other way right now, especially since she still has yet to leave the house. But I really don't want to lose her at all. She's always been my absolute best friend, and thinking about her in any capacity besides being my wife is heartbreaking and suffocating. I feel terrible for what i've done and for how i've made her feel, but i don't support divorce whatsoever. Is there anything I can do or say? Should I just give her the space she needs? I want to continue to just do really nice things for her to show her how much I really do love her, although I don't know if thats a good idea right now. I'm crushed. My god this hurts so bad....


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I would say your problem is that you and your wife swept the issues in your marriage under the rug, and then you blew it 3 times. If you ask me, your best bet is to give her space for now, but start counseling for yourself to figure out why you were willing to destroy your marriage like that. Then you might have a chance to prove to her that you've changed. And even if things don't work out with her, your next relationship might have a chance with your understanding of your feelings.

C
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## fallen5340 (Oct 21, 2011)

PBear said:


> I would say your problem is that you and your wife swept the issues in your marriage under the rug, and then you blew it 3 times. If you ask me, your best bet is to give her space for now, but start counseling for yourself to figure out why you were willing to destroy your marriage like that. Then you might have a chance to prove to her that you've changed. And even if things don't work out with her, your next relationship might have a chance with your understanding of your feelings.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was thinking the same thing about giving her space right now. We've been able to stay cordial and friendly with each other throughout this ordeal, but it is literally just ripping me apart inside. She wanted to hug me last night, and I couldn't bring myself to do it. She says it's killing her too to see me with so much pain in my eyes, but it's not changing the way things are going to be. I understand, and I have to live with it. I haven't eaten for days now and I feel like i'm sleepwalking through work and life. I feel like i want to just sleep for a month; I'm just a mess...


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## Edwin (Oct 23, 2011)

If you can put aside any preconceived ideas, what salvaged our marriage was Scientology marriage counseling and their communication courses. Nicest people and it truly got to the root of our problems. When we were at a similar stage of grief and hopelessness, it turned it around. It was bumpy along the way, but it was so much more powerful than conventional counseling.


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## fallen5340 (Oct 21, 2011)

Edwin said:


> If you can put aside any preconceived ideas, what salvaged our marriage was Scientology marriage counseling and their communication courses. Nicest people and it truly got to the root of our problems. When we were at a similar stage of grief and hopelessness, it turned it around. It was bumpy along the way, but it was so much more powerful than conventional counseling.


I'm willing to try anything at this point. Problem is, I don't think she'd be interested in any sort of action that suggests reconciliation. She's ready to be out of the house we share, and seems ready to let it all go. I'm going to be moving her out on the 3rd of November, and when it's all done, I don't know how in the world i'm going to cope. I've been looking at depression websites, marriage counseling websites, anything to try and make me feel better, and nothing is working. I haven't eaten in a few days now, and have no desire to. I miss her so bad, and every time i tell her, she just says "I'm sorry". I'm trying to keep a happy face on for my daughter, but it's really hard.


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## Edwin (Oct 23, 2011)

Take care of yourself for right now. This is the best thing you can do for your daughter. Even if you take protein drinks and get rest when you can. Contact a local Scientology Church at scientology.org. Free online courses are available there as well. Best of luck and remember, "This too shall pass." 

Best, Ed


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## fallen5340 (Oct 21, 2011)

Thanks for the advice. Still trying to deal with it all. One week from today i'll be moving her and my daughter into their new place. I'm a complete mess without her, but I feel that she needs this space. I can tell when we talk about the whole thing that deep down she doesn't want to do this, but she feels she has to, and I actually agree with her. I'm hoping that time away will begin to heal us, and maybe move us toward a slow reconciliation.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Goodness...you sound just like my ex. Even after wanting to reconcile...he was on a second and third dating site. When I asked why...he said "I don't know." It was then that I realized he was never committed to reconciling...how could he be when he was looking up women? Give her all the space she needs. Suggest marriage counselling to her. Call up a MC and set up an appt and tell her ur going n u want her to meet u there. If she goes....great. u have to show her thru actions that ur committed to changing n stopping ur behavior because words are cheap. Ur biggest challenge will be trying to convince her you mean what u say. Because u have shattered her trust. Repeatedly.
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

fallen5340 said:


> . I can tell when we talk about the whole thing that deep down she doesn't want to do this, but she feels she has to, and I actually agree with her.


Ya think?
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