# Sexless Marriage Epiphany



## dsGrazzl3D (Apr 22, 2013)

I find myself thanking both 4thand11, and Drerio both as 2 TAM posters of whom have helped me here the most directly...

To start would have to be as teenager getting enrolled in new school and moving to new home. That was 18 years ago. So 1995 I'm going to get a new fresh start. I go to re-do my junior year in HS again as I was told it would be best. I do not fully agree, but don't disagree and don't really care too much either way. So I finally get to my new school and man was it different from what I was used to. New schools are that way. Anyways, I get setup with the idea I'm gonna' have to get a part-time job to pay for my car insurance and start some type of savings. I apply a few places. I get accepted in the one place I really wanted. A big video rental place, and it has a few other cute girls. I keep working there and turns out I make a few friends. Two of the cute girls make it known that they would like to be friends. One comes right out and asks me out on a date... Now to this point you can safely guess, it will be my wife. But what I didn't tell you is that within first month or less I had spotted this cutie's smile at the register and later kept that imagine in my head. While out walking the nearby golf coarse I saw a shooting star... Yup you guessed it, her pic came to my mind. then the a second star, now I had never seen three in a row. That night it happened. I saw a third shooting star and made a wish. Now I was dumb enough not to go straight for the really good sex wish as a teen. No me, for some reason I wished a rather plain and simple wish. I wished I could get to know that cute girl whom smiled at me.
I have always enjoyed my wife's smile. It really does light my heart and soothes my soul.
Ask, then wish upon a star and be careful... 

I almost fudged this up by being honest, and immature. I still reject how crash and almost rude I was about the acceptance of a date. I told her I was not used to dating a "bigger" girl. She has always had some good sized hips. She wears her weight very well though. I accepted and we dated for a good 1-2 years before it led up to me finally saying can we just be friends. We would just talk about our childhood. She had some trauma with losing her father to a long battle with cancer. I had an issue of going through my parents drawn out divorce. 
So during this time I'm in HS and she has just got out. For me being in school during the days of my senior year at school was nerve-racking. I've never been able to have a really close friends because of my parents divorce. My GF (now wife) had just graduated and has been going to a business secretary school during the day and working with me at the video store for a few months. 
I go and do something stupid and get fired. She stands by me during this time. She has a way of standing by my side even when I probably don't deserve it.
We shortly get different jobs. We still are dating and talking. 
I am pretty sure that close to this time I broke the relationship. I told her we might not be working out. Later I find out that she is due to go on a new date soon. I try to hangout as friends. She is always kind and says she'll try... While out as friends I snap. I realize what I'd miss, and if I allow her to go out on another date... well... I could lose this beautiful cutie. I have always enjoyed my wife's smile. It really does light my heart and soothes my soul. But, I just remember thinking I don't want her smiling that way at anybody other than me.
After 3 years of dating we had started to become intimate. Well she was working as a secretary, and I was going to Community College and working we found out some news. I still remember the `70's funk song "You dropped a bomb on me" playing as she said she would be taking the home pregnancy test once we got home and she thought she might be with child. 
Confirmed we are now young, just barely out of our teenage years, and we have a major life altering issue of a new child coming... 

Part 2 coming...


----------



## dsGrazzl3D (Apr 22, 2013)

Try to bare with me, as the title and my story will join to make better sense soon enough. 
Sorry for the tease.


----------



## Red2 (Apr 28, 2013)

Next part, please


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I never say this...but that was really long.


----------



## eyuop (Apr 7, 2013)

I wonder if your sexless marriage has anything to do with getting to the point...


----------



## dsGrazzl3D (Apr 22, 2013)

[PART 2] 

*Oh, NO!!! * 
PREGNANT 
[Roll dramatic soap music here]

Confront both parents, I was living at home still with dad. She was with her mom, well... Both of our parents were unhappy and concerned for us. Honestly we were both scared ourselves. My step-mom was really excited and happy for us. I think that happiness did help my wife at lot.I being young and clueless did ask once about abortion. My wife flat-out said no way don't bring up ever again. I'm so glad she had that attitude. We talked about getting married. I felt obligated to a point, but we discussed it and my dad asked my wife what would be best... So in late winter she was 3 months pregnant and showing we talked with the pastor. He asked in a fight who would break. Sure enough I have almost always held up to this unstated promise. We got married. We came back and got an apartment close to both parents. Soon enough step-mom and my dad helped to watch our new son. It was very odd both of us having freedom and responsibilities for the first time. My wife kept working, I kept trying to work and go to school. I ended up going on academic suspension and never went back. Instead I started working full time. 
When our son was two we tried daycare... That is when we started to notice he was not progressing in a "normal" fashion. We struggled to find out what was going on. It took us six months to maybe a year to get a doctor to confirm he had Autism, more specifically he had Asperger syndrome. 
He got therapy and we got somewhat of an education of things that could be possible and what we might be heading for with our son's future. Well after another year of two I ha gotten better job, and my wife had quite hers to cut back. `Saved a lot by not having to pay for daycare. 
Well, I start griping about our intimate life. She soon after started to really try for getting pregnant again. We both talked about having at least two kids. During this time I remember I was enjoying the attention. Heck I got more sex at that time and was fairly satisfied. Yet I still complained. I just didn't realize what I was complaining about. I think I was being very critical because of porn. 

Another pause in the story. I learned about sex through pron mostly. `Was a twisted threesome two women and one guy in "hustler-esque" pictorial spread. Funny what you remember when you really try to think about it. 
Now, on the other hand, my wife and I had discussed that each has previously had one prior partner, yet each was not much beyond a few brief minutes of PIV penetration. She still has a lot of built up resentment towards parents not telling her except sex is bad. She is very sweet and innocent. I always wanted to spoil the good girl. It was an old fantasy.

So we find out after son is starting school she gets pregnant for second time. She kind of still holds some issues where another close family member became pregnant a few weeks after us. She felt like thunder was stolen. She goes through all kinds of pregnancy problems. I think it was called 'hyperaliscy'??, where she could not stay hydrated. She lost weight at first. Our second son caused her so many problems from the start she thought it had to be a girl. Nope, instead my dad's curse of one just like me came true. 

She got along okay at home for only about the first six months, before she started to feel like she wanted to get back to work. Now during this time I backed way off on sex. We never really had much while she was pregnant, more so because of health concerns. At one point I was helping to change out IV, after insurance only covered a few nurse visits. It was a mess. We did manage and got through it. I hate that there were times when the aspie 5-6 year oldest son had to 'entertain' himself while mom rested, and dad dealt with brother. There really was many times he did not get as much attention as we both wanted to give. He's done okay though. 

Now about this time wife starts going back to work in morning and I am working afternoon to night time. We did not get to see each other so much. This whole time I am getting worse and worse about keeping track of when, how long (many minutes, never gets to last hours like I want it to b/c she falls asleep). I start giving ultimatums at this point. She thinks she job stinks, so she gets another job. Sex during this time was not so good either. I write a letter about being unhappy. She promises to get better. It did for maybe a month. Next month came and we both forgot. That whole conversation forgotten. I had done everything she said. I did more chores around the house. Time for a new job now (for wife). This one she is not at any school. She's at grocery store. She sees a lot more old friends. I don't think either of us had any EA's, but it could have gotten close a few times. We did make each other jealous at times with friendships of co-workers. 

Well, our oldest by this time was in school and elementary school outburst from Aspie kids means they get moved around to specials schools. That and job frustrations caused her to change jobs again. I had a few in these times, but still main bread winner so not doing anything to rock my income boat.


----------



## dsGrazzl3D (Apr 22, 2013)

[Part 3]

Part 3

This is where we start to get relevant to the thread/posting topic. Story picks up a bit.
Two kids in school. I'm not sleeping at ALL. I get checked out. Turns out I have sleep apnea. I get a machine "CPAP", and start sleeping better. Something is still messed up with my health, but maybe getting better.
Sometime around this time, I get fed up and write out about how unhappy I am. I end it with I'm leaving and can not take being in sexless marriage. I drive around on weekend morning before kids and family wake looking for new appartment. Damn I forgot 3-4 things. I don't want to go back to house. Have to go back, no choice. I get back and act like nothing happened to kids. They know nothing. Wife eyes red from crying. I know she read the letter. Kids get cartoon time, while we have a talk. She apologizes and begs me not to leave. I explain about frusrtations and that I would rather leave than cheat. I figure that's where I was headed. I don't want to sleep in the same bed until sex changes. Only last for one night. I come home next few nights and she comes onto me for a change. I totally shot her down. Now she knows what it feels like. Childish, yes I admit it. I did not tell her what I did at first. She keeps prying to find out why she was rejected. Again I bring up about my count. She is hurt by the reality of only once a month. She never thought it was that low really?!? I keep harping on frustration and how maybe I could get a appartment nearby. She comes onto me one night when I'm dead tired and feel half dead. She is persistant and gets me awake. I will never forget her forcing us to have sex that night. It was really nice to have her attention. I backed off after that on the sex topic.

During one of my job and insurnace changes around this tiume, I find old doctor is leaving practice. I can no longer afford him (doc). I look for new doctor. I find out I have Diabetias. That sucks, because my dad has lived over 40-45 years out of almost 60-ish with it. I know from him about shots and insulin reactions. My wife brings up to new doctor about possible "ED" (Erictile Disfuntion). Sure enough I'm low testrone. I get treated (still taking testosterone gel today). 
During this time my previous "career" at call center jobs ran it's coarse. Now I'm in retail for the first time. 

Well, my wife has Eplipcsy. I forgot to mention that didn't I. Plus in full disclosure I have Attention Deffict Disorder (ADD) also... 
Yup. Next foot drops. My wife is driving kids home from summer school and has a blackout seizure. She has liscene suspended due to medical issue. She to this day has not gotten it straightened out.

This is where I am at today. I read 4thirand11 posting about "So is 2-3x sex per week REALLY average?"... This hits me. My wife does get a little jealous of my PC time. But it's only for the right reasons. I can stay on PC way way TOO long and miss sleep. So she might not always like when I bring up PC news or ideas too much. But she feels like TMA has helped me a little. I think so too. Mainly this thread opened my eyes.

Yes I'm in a sexless marriage. But that is really 75% due to our health struggles. It does not mean to say that we are not passionate about each other. We don't love each other any less. She does in fact want to be my wife in every way possible. I just had to realise that because we can label it does not mean it has to define my marriage. I think that we now both discussed that knowing we are in that type of relationship means we have to work harder on communicating to each other better. I have been trying to live up to my own advice I dish out here. But mainly now I feel vindicated in the knowledge of where we are as a couple. It makes me think that once we get our health situations straight maybe we can change that label, and maybe make up for lost time.

We are both proud parents, and proud that we have stuck together when most marriages around us seem to tumble all around. I give most credit to my wife for standing by my side and fighting for our marriage. I am proud to be her husband. I hope this did not take too ong to get to my point.


----------



## dsGrazzl3D (Apr 22, 2013)

in Drerio honor I will post a few of my favorite pic's










My 2 boys together at home!


----------



## eyuop (Apr 7, 2013)

Wow...

You should write a book, dude. 

I see a lot of woulda, shoulda, coulda in your story. All of the best to you, your wife and your kids. I'm still not sure about your point, but I'm glad you two are making progress and getting the health care you need.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Yawn. I don't read posts set up like mini-series' can someone summarize?


----------



## dsGrazzl3D (Apr 22, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Yawn. I don't read posts set up like mini-series' can someone summarize?


Over the years my wife and I never knew that we could call it a sexless marriage. Our average is sex likely around once a month. I had always wanted more than this. 



> Yes I'm in a sexless marriage. But that is really 75% due to our health struggles. It does not mean to say that we are not passionate about each other. We don't love each other any less. She does in fact want to be my wife in every way possible


Guess we discussed recently about giving it a label. We also realized that it's not actuate to assign blaming me, or her. It is helpful to realize that a lot of our struggles are more health related to where it should not have blame attached. I think we can separate the stigma from the label with an understanding. We never spoke about a label for our sex life difficulties before last few weeks. I feel much more at ease knowing where I stand, and therefor also I have a way to address in a more mature fashion, than demands and childish games.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I applaud your resolve. I really do. 

Call me a skeptic, but a normal drive cannot successfully coexist with a low drive unless something drastic happens.

I'm living it now. What I do see in your story is that your situation is not an overt choice. Your wife really does want to make this work so there is hope for change.

In many other situations (mine included), my LD wife just doesn't care. She knows I won't leave my kids so she has the green light to close up shop for however long she wants.


----------



## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

If those photos are of you and your wife, does she know that her health and sex life have been paraded out to the entire internet and she can be readily identified?


----------



## dsGrazzl3D (Apr 22, 2013)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> If those photos are of you and your wife, does she know that her health and sex life have been paraded out to the entire internet and she can be readily identified?












Yeah jus' changed as she's much more modest and will get mad at me... I don't have anything to hide. But then again I'm a big goof~ball clown.


----------



## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

dsGrazzl3D said:


> Over the years my wife and I never knew that we could call it a sexless marriage. Our average is sex likely around once a month. I had always wanted more than this.
> 
> Guess we discussed recently about giving it a label. We also realized that it's not actuate to assign blaming me, or her. It is helpful to realize that a lot of our struggles are more health related to where it should not have blame attached. I think we can separate the stigma from the label with an understanding. We never spoke about a label for our sex life difficulties before last few weeks. I feel much more at ease knowing where I stand, and therefor also I have a way to address in a more mature fashion, than demands and childish games.


This is one of the things I find odd about marriage counselling advice - that some arbitrary or even "average" number has been assigned as the amount a married couple should have sex, or the amount that qualifies as "sexless."

This is one of those things (like most things) that will be different for every couple. If one person feels like they don't get enough, then it's something to discuss. If not, there's nothing to discuss. 

I've seen people say "without sex you're just roommates," and that's not really true either. Without sex, you're still two people committed to each other and building a life together. Roommates don't have that kind of commitment to each other - and if they do, they might as well be married.


----------



## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

long...but I read it.


----------



## dsGrazzl3D (Apr 22, 2013)

Okay more and more discussions have helped... I have to say hearing the words "Okay I'm tired of the roller coaster. You're gonna get some." ... :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup: I didn't and still don't care about the reason! I just know I am SMILING FROM EAR TO EAR! 

Now I have to find a way back to the dating phase, where we actually had foreplay and it was more of an commutative ending. We can now agree that I have been hurting my own chances by being immature. I would (without fully recognizing) withhold affection and slowly distant myself emotionally and mentally from my wife. She did, and does nothing to deserve this action by my part. She can not help the low desire due to the medications. We are able to see the light a little more day by day. I think for the first time I have absolutely NO NEGATIVE THOUGHTS  about marriage after kids leave the house. Well maybe just get out of school.  Our house will always be open to them... But it's a small little place... 
Sorry almost went off topic. Anyways thanks for taking time to read my story!

I am starting to try and take my own advise I dish out. I get annoyed by those of whom can dish it, but not take it... So TAM is good for introspection. IMHO


----------



## NeverAgain12 (Jan 15, 2012)

um, this thread sucks. ten minutes of my life I'll never get back


----------

