# 9 year marriage over?



## CherryOrange

Hi everyone! I've been married for 9yrs and me and my husband are both 29. We met in high school and got together 1 yr after graduation. We were together for 8 months before we tied the knot. My husband told me back in April that he was unhappy and that he wanted us to be great. We've had a conversations like this before and spoke about things we needed to improve on (like sex, intimacy, and health) and started taking action. This year has been the worst ever! 

So, in April he tells me this, all while we just signed a new lease for a place to live! We talked and decided that we would give our all and that if it works out then great, if it doesn’t then we tried. So, I started watching my words and reactions and increased the amount of sex we were having. Skyrocketed our intimacy and started hitting the gym to get more healthy and fit so we can start preparing for kids. 

My problem is that I feel like he never really tried, I just remember after we moved into this new place, he became even more distant. At times I went to kiss him and hug him he just didn’t seem to into it at all. He never really seemed as excited for me to come home as before and even made the comment “it feels like we’re exes living together.” Then I noticed he stopped telling me things like when he was headed home or working late and even when he was going out with friends. Just completely shut off from me. Then one day he says “I don’t think we should be having sex anymore” like what? I was completely blindsided. He said that he had too much respect for me and that he didn’t want to give me false hope on things progressing. 

Then on top of that he says his heart isn’t ready for a relationship right now and to just give him time and be his best friend. At this point its around mid-June. He doesn’t want to talk about our situation and gets upset that I have questions or just trying to get an understanding. He left for one weekend and was gone from late Saturday to late Sunday without a peep. He feels like he should be able to do these things without me questioning him or getting upset, oh and if I do then I don’t show it! 

On June 24 he sent me a text saying that he was pulling out because he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore than he already has and that he’s sorry and that this is hard for him too. I literally lost it at work, and we spoke on the phone about why he wanted to break up with me and if there was someone else. He promised and swore up and down that there is no one else and that he just needs time. He says he feels good about me but not GREAT anymore. Now he just wants me to be that friend and not questioned him about where he’s been and where he’s going and stuff. 

As he puts it, he’s not ready for the bad part of a relationship. In between all of this he has this close girl pal from his job that he now considers a form of his best friend. They met while he was helping his co-worker out with getting her on a date. Well after his friend has his fun they never stopped talking, even after i voiced how I felt about her. She did make some inappropriate comments to him and he said he stopped it right then and there. She constantly was buying everyone food and then it started to be only his food and before I knew it, I found out they were going to lunch together with another friend. He now texts her all the time and I know they went to the movies recently to End Game again which he knew I wanted to watch as well. 

Even though he says that it’s a one-sided relationship and he just lets her talk about herself and whatever else is going on, he does not speak on his private life. Now I believe this because he is a very private person and doesn’t reveal much about his life unless you have some years under your belt with him. I just feel like there is more between him and her or it could just be me overthinking or my jealousy creating scenarios in my mind. At the same time, he says that he isn’t attracted to her and that he doesn’t want a relationship with her but yet he is constantly contacting her. I do let him know my feelings about it and how I feel like she has a crush on him etc. He just tends to say no and if she does then I will handle it and let her know that that’s isn’t happening. 

So lately I’ve been living and sleeping in the same bed, cooking and helping him in the morning get ready for work. Also helping him at work with some things and trying to act as if out marriage is a-okay. I can’t show how hurt I get when he acts like he doesn’t care or when he leaves without telling me where he’s going because he doesn’t want me to show my feelings or make him feel any guilt. For our 9th anniversary in July we spent majority of the day arguing because he came home 4 hours later than he said he would. So needless to say it was terrible. 

Then this Sunday he left at 2pm and I tried to just be like “so what you got planned for the day” and he was like “why?” I mean he said I can ask these questions, but he’s not at liberty to answer them. On top of that he didn’t return until 1:30 am knowing we both had to be up for work that day at 6. I tried my hardest to not get mad or make a fuss and just went back to sleep. Monday morning, I woke up so emotional and just upset and I ended up going to his job nice and calm and speaking to him about the situation and everything. It was rushed because he was at work, so not much was said. 

I came back home and called him again and that’s when things got heated, I accused him of doing some things that he didn’t do and I apologized soon after because I knew that was wrong. We start talking about txt msgs that I’ve seen and explanations for them. At one point he says that he doesn’t see what that has to do with me and if he wanted to go and screw people and come home then he can! Mind you we have still been intimate here and there. He wants to get me off his back so that I’m not nagging and complaining about him. So, he asked me if he must tell me that he’s seeing someone to get me off his back, I said yes and so he told me that he was. I so devastated that I’m not sure what to do! Not sure if believe him 100%. Then he texted me saying he needs space and that maybe he should leave for a few days. I said that I would just go to my mom’s for a couple days. I haven’t spoken to him since Monday and its Thursday now. 

I miss him so much and its been more stress on me because I feel like all of this if my fault. I keep comparing myself to his friend and seeing what she has that I don’t. I can’t talk to him because he finds “serious’ conversations boring. I’ve been constantly holding in all my feelings over the past months, I just want our marriage back on track. I’m just lost, and I don’t know the next step to take?


----------



## Andy1001

Your husband is having an affair and by your actions you are enabling him. 
Look up the 180 and start putting it into practice. 
Or better still look up the numbers of some divorce lawyers.


----------



## Ursula

Andy1001 said:


> Your husband is having an affair and by your actions you are enabling him.
> Look up the 180 and start putting it into practice.
> Or better still look up the numbers of some divorce lawyers.


Definitely do the 180 on him. It'll be hard, I know, but if you suddenly act like you don't care what he does, and you just go about your own life, it might make him wonder. Next time you guys are home together, go do your makeup, put on a nice outfit, and leave without saying anything. Leave for a few hours. It doesn't matter what you do: hang out with a girlfriend, hit up a bookstore, take yourself out for a coffee.

It does sound like something fishy is going on with him, too, so keep your eyes open for suspicious things, document them, and keep your mouth shut until you're 137% positive about what's going on. Then tell him, tell his family, your family, your friends, his friends, etc. 

Also, I would recommend going to talk to a therapist, who can maybe help to bring about a little calm in your life, and also look at getting your ducks in a row in regards to finances, possible life changes, and a lawyer. Also, don't get pregnant with this man!


----------



## Marduk

He's checked out. An affair, or series of them are highly possible. 

This script is essentially, word for word, what my ex wife did when she started her affair. But I think whether she checked out as a result of the affair or simply not wanting me any more is moot.

What I realized is that I should only be with someone that actually wanted to be with me, and that isn't her.

Your husband does not want to be with you, and every excuse or reason he gives you will likely be a rationalization of that. Chasing him around and attempting to fix these things will not help, because these things are not the core problem. In fact, me trying to fix these things frustrated my ex wife more, because when they didn't work, she'd have to invent a new reason.

You need to internalize and process that your husband does not want to be with you and does not want to be in this marriage. And then you need to act on that fact.

Which means you need to get a lawyer, get your affairs in order, stop having sex with him or relating to him on an emotional level, and start to rebuild your life without him.

You will be happier even if you are single. There is no loneliness like living with someone that doesn't want you.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

Be sure and make sure it's him that has to move out, in the event of any separation or split.

Don't go to Mom's to get away from him, he'll use that against you somehow.


----------



## StarFires

You're going through the hysterical stages of a breakup. It's weird, but what happens is the hormones in your brain go haywire, and that causes all kinds of emotions and emotional confusion, all of which cause you to feel desperate to be with that person. I know you're hurt and it feels beyond repair, but you have to take care of yourself so you can get through this and move on with your life. Moving on is not your choice, so you might as work on trying to get to that point as soon as possible.

*The hormones are*:
*Cortisol* is a stress hormone
*Dopamine* seeks out pleasure
*Norepinephrine* makes you highly excitable
*Serotonin *is a mood stabilizer

_When you’re going through a break-up, your serotonin drops as your cortisol increases, which makes your brain pump out dopamine, which produces norepinephrine.

In other words, when you’re in the process of trying to get over someone, all of the hormones that make you anxious and energetic are high, and the one that keeps you stable is low.
_
The article in the link explains the behaviors all those mixed up hormones cause, and *this article* explains them really well too.

I thought it might help to know the physiological and emotional reactions that what you're through has produced. What you have to do now is find a way to counter those hormones and send them back to normal levels so that you will be able to function, not be so sad and depressed, and not feel so desperate to be with your husband. You won't feel so torn apart and helpless. 

You can't make him want to be with you. 
You can't make him change his mind about the breakup. 
You can't make him stop seeing other women.

The only thing you can do, which is the best thing for you to do, is try to get yourself under control so you can deal with the situation and move on. You're going to get there eventually because acceptance and resignation are also stages in the grieving process, so why suffer for longer than you have to?

The main thing I can think of is buying some *St. John's Wort*. It's an herbal mood stabilizer that has long been known to counter depression and anxiety. It can make a significant difference in just a week or two, so you don't have to take it for very long if you prefer not to. The objective really is just to get your emotions under control.

St. John's Wort is normally safe for most people with few if any side effects, but do observe the section on side effects. Usually, they are mild according to my daughter and friends I've spoken with. Also pay particular attention to the section on drug interactions if you're on any prescribed medications, as well as the section about taking anything along with St. John's Wort that increases serotonin your system because St. John's Wort taken with anything else that increases serotonin will be too much serotonin and could cause a toxic reaction. 

For me though, all I did was read a book. It was a good book, so it took my mind off the breakup and those desperate feelings to talk to him, desperately wanting to hear him tell me still loves me, and wanting to get back together. When I finished the book 2 or 3 days later, boyfriend was history because those desperate feelings had subsided since I didn't spend those days wallowing and crying.

It's up to you how you handle this, just please do handle it. It will be in your own best interest. I hope you feel better soon.


----------



## 20yr

Your H is doing something similar to my STBXH. He started by telling me that "something was missing." I eventually uncovered his 10 yr affair.

Do you share all of your finances or does he have a separate account? If you can get access, look for suspicious charges. If you share a cell phone plan, you should be able to log in to see a log of numbers that he has been calling or texting.

It sounds like he does not want to try to work things out. You can try the 180 but at the same time, do some investigating on your own and maybe consult a divorce attorney.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Cheating. He doesnt want your marriage, so do yourself the biggest favor and let him go. Give yourself a chance to find someone who loves and wants you.


----------



## CherryOrange

Yes we share everything together! I'm in the process of looking for a therapist so that I can find balance again and move forward. It just really sucks that the man in still in love with no longer wants me as his wife


----------



## turnera

Sorry, but he's cheating. When he told you all that BS earlier, he was hoping you wouldn't take him up on it so he could get out easy. Put a GPS tracker and a VAR in his car, hidden, and figure out what he's doing.


----------



## Tron

He has found another woman he is more interested in.

And you are doing the "pick me" dance. It never works.


----------



## StarFires

Why are so many telling her to investigate, check accounts, use VARs and all that? The man told her he is cheating. Just like he's been setting her up as a way to end the marriage, he set her up to create a way to tell her that he's cheating. She didn't get his messages before and now she doesn't want to believe him. Does she need to do all that investigating in order to prove it to herself that he's cheating and wants out after he already told her he wants out and he's cheating?

It's a waste of time. Believe what he said. Believe what he has been saying. That you don't want to believe it is irrelevant and, honestly, at this point it hardly matters. He wants out. That's all that matters. Save yourself the gory details.

A therapist isn't going to help you get through these really hard days of heartbreak. Find something to take your mind off your problems so you can think straight.


----------



## 20yr

StarFires said:


> Why are so many telling her to investigate, check accounts, use VARs and all that? The man told her he is cheating. Just like he's been setting her up as a way to end the marriage, he set her up to create a way to tell her that he's cheating. She didn't get his messages before and now she doesn't want to believe him. Does she need to do all that investigating in order to prove it to herself that he's cheating and wants out after he already told her he wants out and he's cheating?
> 
> It's a waste of time. Believe what he said. Believe what he has been saying. That you don't want to believe it is irrelevant and, honestly, at this point it hardly matters. He wants out. That's all that matters. Save yourself the gory details.
> 
> A therapist isn't going to help you get through these really hard days of heartbreak. Find something to take your mind off your problems so you can think straight.


But, having proof, especially if he spent money on his cheating activities, might help her get a better settlement in the divorce.


----------



## EveningThoughts

....


----------



## Mr. Nail

STI testing now. 
Lawyer now.
Secure your income now.


----------



## Tilted 1

Tron said:


> He has found another woman he is more interested in.
> 
> And you are doing the "pick me" dance. It never works.


Exactly this^^^, all or most here know this and some how some way, your H allowed you to believe less of yourself, don't do this for the type of togetherness you are getting in return. It will be a new way of thinking and now you got 9yrs under your belt to know what type of man to stay away from. Do go to IC but only for you! And learn to give yourself some love because he isn't. Again so sorry you are here.


----------



## Tilted 1

Someone already said to stay in your new living place, lawyer up and get what you can from the man. ( Make him pay through his teeth) for breaking his vows.

Know this we are only getting your side of your issue. So if we favor you and call your husband what he is, and do no take offense when this happens. You are here and until you say or contradict yourself. We are in your corner. Because we believe you tell the truth.


----------



## aine

Your WH is having an affair and keeping you as his back up plan.
Tell all family and friends what is happening, expose him
Do the 180
It’s good you are seeing a therapist
Go see a lawyer next and ask for advice.
I suggest you give him divorce papers, this will either shock him into reality or end your marriage. Ensure a family member is there when you do. Have witnesses. 
Letting him do as he pleases will not save the marriage. You have to do the 180 to prepare yourself for emotional detachment
Is the house in his name? Pack up his stuff and ask him to leave

I suspect if you are willing to lose this marriage to save it, he will come running back, however he sounds callous and a man led by his lust, you are young and can meet someone worthy of you. He is not.

Sorry for the pain you are gong through


----------



## MattMatt

CherryOrange said:


> Hi everyone! I've been married for 9yrs and me and my husband are both 29. We met in high school and got together 1 yr after graduation. We were together for 8 months before we tied the knot. My husband told me back in April that he was unhappy and that he wanted us to be great. We've had a conversations like this before and spoke about things we needed to improve on (like sex, intimacy, and health) and started taking action. This year has been the worst ever!
> 
> So, in April he tells me this, all while we just signed a new lease for a place to live! We talked and decided that we would give our all and that if it works out then great, if it doesn’t then we tried. So, I started watching my words and reactions and increased the amount of sex we were having. Skyrocketed our intimacy and started hitting the gym to get more healthy and fit so we can start preparing for kids.
> 
> My problem is that I feel like he never really tried, I just remember after we moved into this new place, he became even more distant. At times I went to kiss him and hug him he just didn’t seem to into it at all. He never really seemed as excited for me to come home as before and even made the comment “it feels like we’re exes living together.” Then I noticed he stopped telling me things like when he was headed home or working late and even when he was going out with friends. Just completely shut off from me. Then one day he says “I don’t think we should be having sex anymore” like what? I was completely blindsided. He said that he had too much respect for me and that he didn’t want to give me false hope on things progressing.
> 
> Then on top of that he says his heart isn’t ready for a relationship right now and to just give him time and be his best friend. At this point its around mid-June. He doesn’t want to talk about our situation and gets upset that I have questions or just trying to get an understanding. He left for one weekend and was gone from late Saturday to late Sunday without a peep. He feels like he should be able to do these things without me questioning him or getting upset, oh and if I do then I don’t show it!
> 
> On June 24 he sent me a text saying that he was pulling out because he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore than he already has and that he’s sorry and that this is hard for him too. I literally lost it at work, and we spoke on the phone about why he wanted to break up with me and if there was someone else. He promised and swore up and down that there is no one else and that he just needs time. He says he feels good about me but not GREAT anymore. Now he just wants me to be that friend and not questioned him about where he’s been and where he’s going and stuff.
> 
> As he puts it, he’s not ready for the bad part of a relationship. In between all of this he has this close girl pal from his job that he now considers a form of his best friend. They met while he was helping his co-worker out with getting her on a date. Well after his friend has his fun they never stopped talking, even after i voiced how I felt about her. She did make some inappropriate comments to him and he said he stopped it right then and there. She constantly was buying everyone food and then it started to be only his food and before I knew it, I found out they were going to lunch together with another friend. He now texts her all the time and I know they went to the movies recently to End Game again which he knew I wanted to watch as well.
> 
> Even though he says that it’s a one-sided relationship and he just lets her talk about herself and whatever else is going on, he does not speak on his private life. Now I believe this because he is a very private person and doesn’t reveal much about his life unless you have some years under your belt with him. I just feel like there is more between him and her or it could just be me overthinking or my jealousy creating scenarios in my mind. At the same time, he says that he isn’t attracted to her and that he doesn’t want a relationship with her but yet he is constantly contacting her. I do let him know my feelings about it and how I feel like she has a crush on him etc. He just tends to say no and if she does then I will handle it and let her know that that’s isn’t happening.
> 
> So lately I’ve been living and sleeping in the same bed, cooking and helping him in the morning get ready for work. Also helping him at work with some things and trying to act as if out marriage is a-okay. I can’t show how hurt I get when he acts like he doesn’t care or when he leaves without telling me where he’s going because he doesn’t want me to show my feelings or make him feel any guilt. For our 9th anniversary in July we spent majority of the day arguing because he came home 4 hours later than he said he would. So needless to say it was terrible.
> 
> Then this Sunday he left at 2pm and I tried to just be like “so what you got planned for the day” and he was like “why?” I mean he said I can ask these questions, but he’s not at liberty to answer them. On top of that he didn’t return until 1:30 am knowing we both had to be up for work that day at 6. I tried my hardest to not get mad or make a fuss and just went back to sleep. Monday morning, I woke up so emotional and just upset and I ended up going to his job nice and calm and speaking to him about the situation and everything. It was rushed because he was at work, so not much was said.
> 
> I came back home and called him again and that’s when things got heated, I accused him of doing some things that he didn’t do and I apologized soon after because I knew that was wrong. We start talking about txt msgs that I’ve seen and explanations for them. At one point he says that he doesn’t see what that has to do with me and if he wanted to go and screw people and come home then he can! Mind you we have still been intimate here and there. He wants to get me off his back so that I’m not nagging and complaining about him. So, he asked me if he must tell me that he’s seeing someone to get me off his back, I said yes and so he told me that he was. I so devastated that I’m not sure what to do! Not sure if believe him 100%. Then he texted me saying he needs space and that maybe he should leave for a few days. I said that I would just go to my mom’s for a couple days. I haven’t spoken to him since Monday and its Thursday now.
> 
> I miss him so much and its been more stress on me because I feel like all of this if my fault.* I keep comparing myself to his friend and seeing what she has that I don’t.* I can’t talk to him because he finds “serious’ conversations boring. I’ve been constantly holding in all my feelings over the past months, I just want our marriage back on track. I’m just lost, and I don’t know the next step to take?


What has she got that you don't?

She has the morals of an alley cat, but the alley cat is going to sue her for returning the morals in a damaged condition.

She's also a dirty little beast who goes after, and beds, married men.

Let him have her. He's no good for you. His loose morals are more of a fit with hers, in any case.

And see a lawyer.


----------

