# Severely depressed and trying to R



## Inthedepths (Jan 6, 2014)

I've been reading here for about a month now and I've gained some really helpful insight into surviving an affair. My fiancee and I are trying, with varying degrees of success, to R. At first I wasn't sure I wanted to post this, but I can see that there are many, many people here with a great deal of knowledge and I thought I'd see what others thought of our situation. Sorry if this is long. It's very complicated.

Here goes…

Two years ago my fiancée cheated on me with a woman he met online. He pushed me to have a threesome with her and I refused, so I guess he just got involved with her by himself. I believe there was only one actual PA incident and I caught on pretty quickly. He would only admit it after being presented with irrefutable evidence (printed off chat logs where she said things like “I can’t wait till next time!” and other explicit details it hurts my heart too much to think about). Big big blow up. I threatened to leave. He went into IC pretty intensively and he and his therapist believe they got to the root of why he cheated on me. His problem, not mine. He has since dealt with the root of the issue, that he doesn’t know how to deal with conflict in a relationship and so he bails in some way when things get tough. At the time of his PA I was going through a very tough time with college and I was pretty emotionally unavailable. That was my fault, I dealt with it badly, but he and I both agree that how he dealt with my unavailability was completely unacceptable.

So, I rugswept. I know, I know, stupid. But every time we would have a big relationship discussion he would say things like “Maybe I’m better off alone” etc. I knew if he worked in therapy he would be able to resolve the issue. I decided it was better to put my own emotions aside while he worked through his. Except I never picked mine back up. After he completed therapy I should have said “Ok, now you need to be here for me because I need you.” Instead I just buried everything.

So eventually he thinks everything is fine. Our sex life begins to suffer because I had to build up such a big wall between us to feel safe. He begins pursuing threesomes with him, me, and other women. This isn’t a new development. This has been a major part of his sexuality, even before we met. I did it in the beginning of our relationship, but we had a bad experience (with the third person, not between ourselves) and stopped for about a year. So threesomes stop, a year or so passes, he has a PA. Anyway, he was actively pursuing threesomes and I went along with it (*I’m not looking for a general judgement on people who have threesomes please. I think if your relationship is healthy they can be fine as long as everyone is on the same page.*) 

I tried to tell him that I didn’t think I could do threesomes, but I didn’t put it in the context of his A because I was rug sweeping. He pushed and pushed and pushed. We fought a lot about it. Finally, in September 2013 I gave in and we had a threesome with a very nice lady who was absolutely positively not interested in stealing him (or me, for that matter) away. I’m as certain of that as I am my own name. They had a good time, but I really didn’t. I’m essentially monogamous in nature. I can enjoy a little eye candy here and there, but generally speaking other people cease to exist to me as sexual beings when I fall in love with someone.

So nice lady and my fiancee both push for additional threesomes. I’ve been depressed since the PA, but my fiancee didn’t understand the emotional and psychological ramifications of an affair so he was not exactly understanding. My depression has deepened and deepened. It got much worse after the threesome in September. I’ve developed a serious sugar addiction, put on 20 pounds I really didn’t need, and slacked off on my share of the household duties, which makes my fiancee mad. It became hard to care about anything. I know I should have gotten my own therapy after his affair, but I don’t have health insurance and the options available in this area for people in my situation aren’t good at all.

The first week of December I found that my fiancee had been continuing to talk to a woman who I had definitively vetoed as a potential threesome partner. I triggered bad. I contacted her and told her I suspected an EA was going on. I confronted him. I told them both I wanted the contact to stop, that this was inappropriate. I found this forum and I made my fiancee read the “Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse” thing from the newbies thread. He has cut off contact with her (she continues to text once in a while but he doesn’t respond) and seems remorseful. I have all of his passwords and if I asked he’d let me see his phone. I check the phone logs once a week or so. He’s trying to be transparent and help me finally deal. I hit rock bottom when I triggered the last time. There was so much anger. I’ve never been that angry in my life. I won’t lie, I wanted to kill her. I wanted to scream at him, throw things, hit him. That’s not me at all.

I love this man with all my heart. Apart from this and its effect on our sex life our relationship is wonderful. I want to solve this. I want to be able to be vulnerable again. Our sex life is in the toilet and it’s not for lack of libido on my part, but because I can’t relax sex is mechanical. I cried the last time, nearly two months ago. He says his self-esteem when it comes to sex is destroyed. He won’t initiate. I feel rejected on top of everything else. I don’t know what to do with this. Therapy, either me by myself or together, isn't an option at the moment though I may have health insurance soon and then it will be different. He would go in a heartbeat because he views therapy as the same thing as when you take your car to the shop and have the oil changed, it’s something you do to maintain something you care about/need. I need to hold on until then. I’d like to work on this, I've just reached the end of my rope.

I don’t know if I’m looking for advice, commiseration, or just to vent but it felt so good typing all that out.

Again, sorry this is so long.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

You're lucky. Dump his sorry azz, and don't look back. You deserve way better than this, and I would venture to guess you could easily do better than this. Best wishes.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

OK this is only going to get worse. Call it off and find a guy who wants only you. There is nothing wrong with you. He has issues


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

> Therapy, either me by myself or together, isn't an option at the moment though I may have health insurance soon and then it will be different. He would go in a heartbeat because *he views therapy as the same thing as when you take your car to the shop and have the oil changed, it’s something you do to maintain something you care about/need.* I need to hold on until then. I’d like to work on this, I've just reached the end of my rope.


:lol: Great line. You're a funny lady even when depressed. You must even more fun when your happy and healthy. You have presumably explained everything that you have written here to him. Correct?

If so, what doesn't he get? You don't feel comfortable doing threesomes. Moreover, you have been traumatized by what has gone on. He, on the other hand, wants to pleasure on through to the other side, where everyone is happy.

You tell him that you love him. Does he believe it?

You believe that your libido will recovery given time and trust. Does this have currency to his mind?

Weight gain and self-image... hmmm... do you think you have gained the weight to conceal your sexuality?

You can control your sugar intake if he can control his cheating.

Get back in the gym and just don't buy carbs and processed foods that pack on the fat.

You are having difficulties with intimacy. Can you be sexual without having intercourse. Does touching him disturb you? Him touching you?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Dump him. Now. He's not a great guy, he's a selfish pr!!ck. He wants what he want and has no regard for you or anything you think, and if you marry and knock out kids with him you'll be stuck. You won't even have any right to b!tch because you know exactly what you're getting into. Stop being a victim and letting him bully you, he's not ready to be married. You want to test this selfishness? Tell him you've decided you want a threesome with another guy. See his reaction. .I bet he flips his lid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Inthedepths (Jan 6, 2014)

After I hit rock bottom at the beginning of the month we had some very long conversations about what happened and how I'm feeling. Reading the post I referenced in my first post here really opened his eyes. He apologizes frequently and says he'll do so until I believe him 100% and trust him again. He understands this can take years. He also understands that threesomes are off the table. I'm not going to keep doing things that hurt me anymore.

I appreciate the posts saying "run!" and yes, I bet I could find someone else. But for right now I'm totally committed to our R.


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## Inthedepths (Jan 6, 2014)

LongWalk, I've been told I'm pretty funny. You should see me when I'm happy. As it is, I find being articulate is very important in this situation.

I've explained how I feel in great detail. I'd invite him to come here and read the responses, but I fear the negative ones would do more damage than good. He already takes responsibility and knows what he did was really, really wrong. I'm satisfied with that.

After my most recent triggering episode/hitting rock bottom (god I hope that's rock bottom) I told him threesomes are just plain off the table. It's not about having the threesome itself, it's about the behavior that comes with pursuing others. He can pursue me for a little bit.

I hope he believes my libido will return. He's reading a great book called Sexual Intelligence that's really helping with that. And I know he believes I love him. In his eyes I proved it not by putting up with his a$$ after the PA, but by finally being open with him about how much pain I've been in.

It's hard for me to be sexual at all with him. I don't like being naked in front of him. I feel immense shame about my body. The OW was older and heavier than I am, so I don't know what that's about. I'm far more attractive. 

As far as the sugar goes, I'm in a cycle. I give it up for a few weeks, eat only healthy whole grains, fruits, veggies, protein in every meal, etc. but then I fall off the wagon. The pleasure that I get from eating has replaced the pleasure I used to get from him.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Flat out jerk. Selfish, selfish, selfish. From what I read, I think you can do wayyyyyy better, hon. Do this. Get back on the treadmill, shrug off those 20lb's, get your hair done etc... Go out with the girls, enjoy yourself. Be self sufficient, if you are not already and start your walk away. You may love him, but he doesn't love you. Nobody should push someone into something. Ever! Especially three ways. Those in the end are relationship killers, not builders. Good Luck!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

*I know, stupid. But every time we would have a big relationship discussion he would say things like “Maybe I’m better off alone” etc.*

This statement alone (no pun intended) speaks volumns. What is it that you are attempting to R? His affair? Him pushing you into threesomes? His total disrespect for you?

5 years from now where will the two of you be in this relationship?

He talked you into a threesome several times. Do you think he has stopped? You don't like it.

So you had a rough go and he learned that in dealing with his misery or your lack of whatever he cheats.

You aren't married yet and you are dealing with crap that tears up many marriages. I truely believe you are fooling yourself.

There is a theory in relationships about inertia. Due to inertia it is hard for couples like you even prior to marriage to end a bad relationship. A body in motion tends to stay in motion just like a relationship keeps puttering along, even if it su*ks. 

Only you can stop it. You have seen the future by deeds and actions of the past. Is this the future you want?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Rottdad42 said:


> Flat out jerk. Selfish, selfish, selfish. From what I read, I think you can do wayyyyyy better, hon. Do this. Get back on the treadmill, shrug off those 20lb's, get your hair done etc... Go out with the girls, enjoy yourself. Be self sufficient, if you are not already and start your walk away. You may love him, but he doesn't love you. *Nobody should push someone into something.* Ever! Especially three ways. Those in the end are relationship killers, not builders. Good Luck!




I disagree. She should push this dude when the next train drives by.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Sounds like he has major issues psychologically he needs to deal with. He cannot be in a healthy relationship until he gets his head healthy first.

I would break off the engagement. It will be tough, but a hundred times tougher once you are married. A ring and a license won't magically make his issues disappear.


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## Inthedepths (Jan 6, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I would break off the engagement.


There won't be a wedding for more than a year. I receive grants to help pay for school and his income would spell the end of that.

But besides that, I want this issue dealt with before I tie myself to him legally. And I'm thinking about things like a prenup. I'm no dummy, I'm just in love. While we're working on this I'm also getting my ducks in a row. I graduate this time next year and at that point I'll be able to get a decent job.

And if he ever cheats again I'm gone. No discussion, no "I need to see my therapist," just gone.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> I disagree. She should push this dude when the next train drives by.


LOL.

OP, you don't need this crap. He's giving you a glimpse of what your life will be like with him. Is this the life you want? Somehow I doubt it.

Bounce the bum.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Sorry to say, but being in love is clouding your thinking. 

The threesome issue, while it is concerning (because it sounds like he's really into it, and you'd have good reason to always wonder if he'd be OK with "just you" for the rest of your life together, no matter what he might promise) is NOT the biggest issue. But it is a significant issue: one sex partner just doesn't seem to satisfy him.

The big issue is that you're engaged and he cheated on you. This is the TRIAL RUN. This is when you get a chance to back out if you get an inkling of what might be in store for you once you're married. He should be more into you at this phase of your relationship than at any other time - he should be head over heels, only have eyes for you, trying to make you happy and doing whatever it takes to see you smile. If he isn't like that NOW, you should PLAN on having your heart broken if you get married!!

He is TELLING YOU who he is. LISTEN to him. Do NOT try to change him. He likes threesomes (and you don't), but even more important, he has already CHEATED on you, and you're not even married. Please listen to us "old married" people and accept this "gift" of truth that he's given you. Even though you feel you've invested a lot of time in him - it's NOTHING compared to the heartache of divorce after a lot more years of marriage, and possibly inflicting pain on a child or two.

You don't want to end up cheated on after you're married, but it's just TOO, TOO likely to happen! Don't walk down the aisle with this guy. Please. Breaking up is hard, but divorce is MUCH worse!!


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## Stronger-now (Oct 31, 2013)

hopefulgirl said:


> Sorry to say, but being in love is clouding your thinking.
> 
> The threesome issue, while it is concerning (because it sounds like he's really into it, and you'd have good reason to always wonder if he'd be OK with "just you" for the rest of your life together, no matter what he might promise) is NOT the biggest issue. But it is a significant issue: one sex partner just doesn't seem to satisfy him.
> 
> ...


Please read and re-read that paragraph. His problem is that one woman is not enough for him. It is also a huge problem for any woman who thinks she is in a committed relationship with him. This dude is the perpetual bachelor. Let him live that lifestyle, because obviously it is not for you. 

You took him back after his affair, you got depressed. You even tried threesome even though you didn't want to do it, for him, and your depression got worse. And you gained 20 pounds and addicted to sugar now. What other parts of your life you are willing to ruin and screw up just to stay with him? Picking up more bad habits just to cope? Do you really think he is worth you sacrificing your happiness and health? 

How many of us here wished we could go back in time and had our cheating spouse's nature revealed before we tied the knot? Before years passed, innocent children got hurt, mortgage, and other mess from lives entwined in a marriage? You are lucky (I know you don't see it that way now, but this is what outsiders see) that you are not tied to him legally yet. It is not easy to walk away, but relatively easier. 

Nobody is perfect. But his imperfections are so unhealthy for you. You have your education to focus on, cling to it like your life depends on it. Get to the gym, and shed this emotional vampire who drains the life out of you NOW.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Neither of you are prepared for marriage. 

When you marry someone you are accepting them and all their flaws. You know exactly what he is. You cannot say he did not show you himself. 

This will be his logic after he cheats on you, after you have to 2 kids and a mortgage. 

Its a setup. And he knows it.

And if you wont leave now, you aint leaving once the stakes rise, because of marriage and kids.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Tell him you want a foursome with three guys, and you want him to watch.. three big guys.. then you'll do the threesome thing. Does he have a brother? Tell him you want a threesome with his brother... Ask if he's cool with that. Then dump him and find a guy that's into monogamy if that's what you're into. (be warned, he might be fine with the above scenarios)


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Thor, totally agree, I thought I was being diplomatic.  maybe I should stick to "right to the point". No sense in dancing around it. Cheers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Inthedepths (Jan 6, 2014)

I've read everyone's posts and tried to keep an open mind. I've also kept in mind that many people (most?) posting here have been victims of infidelity too and may have some bias. I know I do about certain things.

So, here's the problem: I do not consider my fiancee's behavior to be an A because he had sexual contact with another woman. I consider it to be an A because he did so outside the boundaries of our relationship.

See this link: Infidelity in a Swinger Relationship? | GoAskSuzie.com

When we began our relationship we agreed that threesomes were ok as long as our relationship was healthy, we were both present, and we were in agreement about the other woman. Those were the rules. He stepped outside the rules because I wasn't present and had vetoed the woman in question. Having done that, our relationship became unhealthy.

Threesomes are 100% off the table until our relationship improves. Our relationship was healthy for a time _while threesomes were part of the picture_. In my mind, the fact that we had threesomes before and my fiancee desires them has no bearing on what happened. He cheated on me because he stepped outside the boundaries we'd set together, not because he had sexual contact with another woman.

I recognize that for most people sex and love are intertwined. For some they are not. I don't think that makes him a bad person. If it does, then I'm a bad person too because if I had been sexually attracted to the woman we had the threesome with in September and he'd never had an affair, I would have had a fantastic time.


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