# Question for you men out there....



## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

And I prob know what most of your answers will be...


Husband and I are seperated....living together for another week or two till his place is ready. I love this man and he knows it, he is just too week to work on the relationship now and needs his space. Says he is not in love with me anymore, the way he was.....

BUT this man still wants to be intimate with me like before....he says he can't help it. And I am not a beauty queen....he was talking with OW, and seems to have no problem getting women to fall for him.....WHY on EARTH if he doesn't want to continue our marriage (12 yrs/17 together) would he still want to continue being intamate with me (sometimes he suggests just for me and nothing for him)

Will he continue to try this after he moves out too???

Should I expect that everytime he comes by to pick the kids up that he will touch me in someway to see if I am interested????

This is what is happening now. 

MEN PLEASE BE OPEN HERE and help a girl out.....:scratchhead:


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

If you're willing to give it up, why wouldn't he keep trying. Free sex.

Stop sleeping with him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He's happy to get all the free sex he can. YOu will not get him back giving in. You make it easier for him to move on.

I suggest that you start treating him according to the 180 (see link in my signature block below). You seriously need to detach from your husband emotionally. He will use you for sex as long as you allow it.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

Stop giving it away for free.

Stop letting him touch you to gauge your interest


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Ditto to the above posts. Sexual intimacy is entirely inappropriate under these circumstances.

FWIW, I was once in the same situation as you (and what guy is going to say no to an ex that wants just sex) BUT this will only:


Prolong the pain;
Elevate the underlying “issues” to a new and even stranger dimension; and 
Generate confusion and false hope (for you and the children).

Be strong, carry on. Maybe you work things out to where he wants to return to the family and the commitments he made to you – maybe it doesn't. But under this arrangement, it (honest reconciliation) will never happen.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

Thanks everyone.....I guess I was kidding myself by thinking that is affection towards me and interest in sleeping next to me even when not "sleeping with me" meant there was still feelings there. I have started following the 180 2 days ago, we have not even spoken and the text mess which were contant are not at all now (at least no initiated by me) and I only answer the ones the require answers for kids sake. He moves out in a week and today when I came home I did my thing and said nothing. He is walking around like someone killed his dog!!! Gotta get easier when he leaves.....


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

the "I can't help it..." excuse is just bunk. We can ALL help it if we want to. 
Sounds to me like he knows you still have strong feelings for him and he is intentionally or unintentionally (and I vote for intentional) using that when he feels like a little romp in the bed.
Don't be fooling yourself, thinking these intimacies mean there is still more there in his feelings for you then what he has stated.
It appears you have come to the same conclusion.
Now if you can just resist that "someone killed my dog" sad expression he is showing you.
Good luck.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

I have to agree... Be cold, very cold when he tries to touch you. You don't have to be mean, but take stance of indifference. If wants action, tell him to get it from her (OW).


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Jebus crispie... your situation is IDENTICAL to mine... except I'm the husband she's the wife.

My wife and I are reconciling at the moment but we both agree that we need our space and repair our dynamics/learn new ways to deal with our issues before we start living together again. So far things are going very well, she's been co-operative since day one and even inspiring me to get my sh-t together as well, I was about to give it all up but I'm glad I didn't now because for once she's taking our situation seriously and I'm glad that I didn't throw her away.

And last night, well, no more dry spell lol - and I'm so happy 
Even at work people were wondering why I'm not so depressed anymore heh

BUT!
I wouldn't have agreed to have sex with my wife if it was just going to damage our relationship or give the wrong impression; I made sure she wasn't going to think "We just had sex, we're fine now, we should move back together and forget about everything" - no, we did that on our last seperation and we got NOWHERE.

Now in your situation, it looks your husband isn't interested in working on your marriage, instead he's spending his time with other women. Personally if my wife starts dating then she can forget about reconciliation, and I expect the same with her if I was to date. I wouldn't put out at all if I was you and personally I would move on considering he's not doing anything to repair the situation.

You have to back off and let him go, if not he's just going to be feeding from your attention and return nothing.


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## ChuckCanuck (Dec 15, 2012)

Lovingwife315 said:


> Will he continue to try this after he moves out too???
> 
> Should I expect that everytime he comes by to pick the kids up that he will touch me in someway to see if I am interested????
> 
> ...


You know what the say about pizza...even bad pizza is good pizza, and if it's good pizza, all the better. In his eyes you consented (while married), maybe he's just checking to see if the bank is still open. So what if it is, so what if you do "do it" with him. Except for the emotionally conflicting signals...which just might be the whole problem.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Even if he doesn't know what he wants out of life, he'll still enjoy the sex. It really is that simple.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

thanks guys Just to clairfy the OW moved 3000 miles away in Sept, but still has business in the NY area which brings her here every month or so for a day or two....He has not seen her since 11/22 but texts her still....

Night 3 done with no sex!!! YeaH!!!! Day 4 of NC will be hard because we are both home!!!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> He's happy to get all the free sex he can. YOu will not get him back giving in. You make it easier for him to move on.
> 
> I suggest that you start treating him according to the 180 (see link in my signature block below). You seriously need to detach from your husband emotionally. He will use you for sex as long as you allow it.


:iagree:

If it is your hope to win your H back, you're not going to do so by giving him the best of both worlds. You have to give him a reason other than sex to want to be with you, and I agree that the 180 is in order here.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Lovingwife315 said:


> thanks guys Just to clairfy the OW moved 3000 miles away in Sept, but still has business in the NY area which brings her here every month or so for a day or two....He has not seen her since 11/22 but texts her still....
> 
> Night 3 done with no sex!!! YeaH!!!! Day 4 of NC will be hard because we are both home!!!


Stay strong it will be easier in a week when he is out of the house but the first couple months will be tough.

Think of the children, family and yourself when the urges to relent take hold. If there is to be a workable reconciliation, he’s got to have a real separation to level-set matters in his head.

Also take stock in yourself, you sound like a more attractive person than you perhaps have been led to believe. If you can swing it, go do something nice for yourself – a massage or something.

And BTW, if his place isn’t “ready” when he originally said it would be – he needs to find a weekly/monthly hotel room. I’ve heard that excuse too.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

ok another night down and no SEX. I knew he would be home all night last night so I took my kids out to my friends house and we didn't get home until 11pm. When I got home he was already getting ready for bed. ( he sleeps in our daughters room and she sleeps with me) I said good night and got myself and my daughter into bed and went to sleep. I did hear some sighing and clearing or throat going on but he may just be catching a cold 

So this morning he got up to shower and get ready for work, and I was up when he got out of the shower. I tried my best to avoid talking to him or giving him any opportunity to touch me. He was watching me for some reason, and when I noticed I looked up and he quickly looked away. He asked with my help packing some food trays up nad I silently helped him. He thanked me and as I turned to walk away he ran his had along my ass. 

So I took someones advice and was indifferent. I acted as if I didn't even notice. I was advised not to be mean, but I know what will come after this, and I can't just ignore him slipping into bed with me tonight . 

It is so difficult because I want more than anything to be close to this man in every way again. He was my best friend as well as my lover . 

I will hold strong tonight as I know my only hope at ever saving my marriage is to have him face the concequences of the choices me made.

No cake eating for him tonight!!! :smthumbup:


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I don't know your backstory. It could be he is trying to claim some territory or exact some value from you. If he feels you wronged him he could be intentionally using you.

In any case I don't think there is love involved on his part no matter what the situation.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

That makes me so sad.... How can you spend 17 years together, mainly good happy times and now this?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

CH said:


> If you're willing to give it up, why wouldn't he keep trying. Free sex.
> 
> Stop sleeping with him.


A perfect answer.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

My husband and I have had an amazing sex life since the day we met. We are abnormal and sometimes our closest friends tease us about our sexlife with each other. This entire year, on average, we have sex 5 times a week. Sometimes everyday, sometimes more than once a day. We have always desired each other. And still do. He will crawl into bed with me at night and touch me even now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

Btw I have not slept with him since i have been back and he moves out today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lovingwife315 said:


> My husband and I have had an amazing sex life since the day we met. We are abnormal and sometimes our closest friends tease us about our sexlife with each other. This entire year, on average, we have sex 5 times a week. Sometimes everyday, sometimes more than once a day. We have always desired each other. And still do. He will crawl into bed with me at night and touch me even now.


A lot of people who cheat continue to have good sex lives at home.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

Just wanted to Give you guys an update....H moved out on Jan 2nd and we have had casual text communication since, mostly having to do with $ and kids. He sends me text messages the other day showing me what progress he has made cleaning new apt etc. I have been very nice and comment that I am glad he is settling in. This Weekend will be his first weekend with our D6 staying by him, so I think he wanted me to know all is on schedule etc. 

Then I get a text from him saying how much he misses my butt.....and that he knows he shouldn't say that . LOL I send a smiley face and say Im sorry. He invites me over for sex, sunday night. Saying he doesn't know how I would feel about us just using each other for sex. I said no. 

Although I miss him I am standing my ground. I said I know in time he will "forget about me that way" He texts back and says he is surprised I think he could ever forget about me. I told him in time these thoughts will fade and it will get easier for him. He responds with "not really"

As I have said before our sex life, even to the very end was awesome. So I told him we are doing thru "withdrawals" of 18 yrs of intamacy and in time it will get easier, to which he responded "I an not sure about that, you should come over her for an "O" anyway.

Since that comment I have not responded to his texts . What is he trying to do??? I know he is talking with OW who is across country, but the are bound to see each other in the next few weeks.....


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Sounds to me like he is trying to get laid and is hoping you will give in to his tactics.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

I am sure, but he is sure to get some from his flight attendent OW, why ask me? Seriously he was the one who wanted to leave.....

Anyway, I told him that with 18 years together I would hope to have rated hight than "the one available for sex tonight" and that he could have had me everyday for the rest of his life, but his choice was to give that up.

I thought it would be harder but I am being strong...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You could respond to him with something like "look you were the one who wanted to leave. I'm a highly sexual woman, but that part of me is reserved for the man I am committed to and who is committed to me. You'll get some when your girlfriend comes to town I'm sure."

It just seems to me that you're letting him off easy. You're doing well by not letting him cake eat. But I don't think he really gets "why" you aren't letting him cake eat.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I think he's just putting out feelers to see if he can get sex from you as well as his flight attendant. From his point of view why not? 

I think you should refrain from responding with smiley faces and the like. In fact, I think you should straight out ask him to stop propositioning you period. You're only leading him on by entertaining the proposals. I understand it's probably flattering at some level but if you want to move on with your life you need to fully detach from your old life.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Lovingwife315 said:


> Anyway, I told him that with 18 years together I would hope to have rated hight than "the one available for sex tonight" and that he could have had me everyday for the rest of his life, but *his choice was to give that up*.


No, he didn't just give that up. _He.Threw.It.Away._

And yes, he'll continue to proposition you as long as you allow it. Because he really doesn't get it. You are actually going to have to spell it out for him: 

You will not sleep with him. 
Because he's a cheating liar. 
Because he chose her over you and your marriage. 
Because you deserve to be more than just his backup plan.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

i know.....I honestly don't understand this sometimes. I feel like I should be waking up from this bad dream. No matter how much I may love him and want to keep my family together, and even though I could forgive the lying and the affair, I don't think I could ever trust him not to walk away from me and our life again.

But why then can I not bring myself to file?


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

Ok You all should be somewhat proud of me today.....

H came over this morning to take kids to school. (older one has to be at school at 730 younger one not till 830) So he picked up S15 and drove him to school, then came back woke up D6 got her dressed and breakfast on table , then came into my bedroom and tried to start something....woke me up by rubbing my back. When I realized what was going on I asked him to stop and got up and headed into the shower. He followed me around until I went into shower. He asked if I needed "help" I said no. While I was in shower he left and drove D6 to school....when I got out of shower there was a text from him asking if I wanted him to come back to finish my backrub...... I said no thank you.

I know that I should have said more....but with D6 there I didn't really want to start anything.....

This is the first time in 18 years I have ever rejected my husband.....

Wow...


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

It's not going to be easy. You and him have been together a long time. Old habits are hard to break. 

I remember when my ex and I first split up. When I would go to pick up the kids I would find myself getting aroused in her presence. Mentally I wasn't interested but physically my body seemed to remember that she was my sex partner and respond accordingly.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Good job LW. That took guts. Next time flat out tell him why he doesn't get your goodies.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Lovingwife315 said:


> And I prob know what most of your answers will be...
> 
> 
> Husband and I are seperated....living together for another week or two till his place is ready. I love this man and he knows it, he is just too week to work on the relationship now and needs his space. Says he is not in love with me anymore, the way he was.....
> ...


I did the same thing during my affair. My confidence was up, I felt both women wanted me and thus I felt more sexual with both women. It was all ego... and the sex was taboo... kinda wrong and therefore more exciting.

He won't stop until you stop him. I didn't always try to get some, but I left enough emotional bread crumbs to keep the door open.

Long story short, eventually ended the affair with OW and moved back in with W. Later filed for divorce as a result of the issues that caused me to leave myself vulnerable to having an affair in the first place.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

Dlvs- Why did you end it with OW, and why did you go back to W? 

Im sorry that it didn't work out in the long run. Are you happy with the outcome?


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Lovingwife315 said:


> Dlvs- Why did you end it with OW, and why did you go back to W?
> 
> Im sorry that it didn't work out in the long run. Are you happy with the outcome?


The other woman had a number of issues I won't go into, but they preclude a healthy long term relationship with anyone until they're sorted out. I put her desire to work on them to the test and it didn't work out. I had lied in the beginning of our affair, and that set the stage for trust issues. I have issues of my own that exacerbated the situation.

I went back because I had broken things off with the OW, and 13 years is a lot of history to dump without giving a last shot to see if there was anything left for us without the OW tugging on my emotions; but also for the kids... and you miss the comfort of home. I still love my ex wife, she is family, but we stopped being IN love a long time ago.

Every day life is a little harder now becasue I don't have a partner, and there are times I miss what I had, but I'm confident in my decision that it had run its course and for the most part I am enjoying single life. You lose some things and you gain others, but happiness is always choice no matter where your life goes.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

Well after our encounter this morning, I have not heard a peep from him. Wonder if he is angry, upset or what? What do you all think?

well I guess I may find out in the morning, cause the same pick up is set for then....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He is still trying to have both of you available to him. He's used to a very good sex life.

He is very likely to never have that again. It's much more likely that you will find a new man who is into sex than he will find a woman who is as HD as you.

He made his choice. I guess he can live with it now.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

So True! Again this morning he was VERY friendly but I already had planned out my morning to make it nearly impossible to be alone with him. We talked about $ related things and at one point he handed me his cell to look at an email his HR sent him about the 2% additional being taken out of his check. I then took the time to look at his text messages just long enough to see that the 2 top text message were me and the OW. 

So everyone here is so right, he is totally trying to keep both of us on a string.....


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Lovingwife315 said:


> Well after our encounter this morning, I have not heard a peep from him. Wonder if he is angry, upset or what? What do you all think?
> 
> well I guess I may find out in the morning, cause the same pick up is set for then....


None of the above. He just didn't get the nookie he wanted. Don't expect it to phase him.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

1.) Have a LOCK installed on your bedroom. He's got NO BUSINESS being in it any more.

2.) Why are you not OUTRAGED that your H has TRASHED your marriage, trashed your family, exposed you to STDs, and basically treats you like a sex-bank....are you open this morning for deposits?

3.) You are willing to FORGIVE the affair. You are willing to FORGIVE the lying. WHY? I'm not saying you shouldn't, I just want to know WHY you're so willing to be so forgiving? Eighteen years is a LONG time alright....an awfully long time to throw away over a woman who is on the road (flight attendant) screwing who-knows-who on a regular basis when she's not with your H. He's WILLING to believe OW is faithful to him? Or he just doesn't care? More partners = more exposure to STDs.

4.) Your initial post indicates you think you're less attractive than OW. Apparently you're not considering love, loyalty, mother to his children, faithful partner, good times & bad, etc. YOU should see all of this in YOURSELF even if HE can't/won't/doesn't.

Think of ALL you are, all you've been, all you've done, all you've endured (separately and together)...and he wants to have SEX with YOU when he's NOT busy having SEX with HER? Really? Are you OUTRAGED yet?


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I think you want to go as far as limiting his access to the house. In my mind he should be going no further than the front entryway. He can wait there for the kids to get ready. You'll never really be able to move forward as long as you remain so familiar and he has free reign of the house. There's no way he should be following you in your bedroom or the bathroom.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

Ok wow so I came home today and some more of his stuff was gone. I texted him on the way to drop kids off and said "u were busy today". He said yes don't worry u don't desire me anymore anyway so shake it off and go and find ur happiness". 

I said to him that I don't desire sharing him emotionally or physically with anyone else, and I don't feel special anymore. I told him he threw me away! 

So he is angry??? 

Wtf
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

He's angry you won't let him eat cake. lol

Good, standing up for yourself.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

He's wanting to have his cake and eat it. Don't give in, OP. It will mess with your mind. In fact, any future texts of a sexual nature from him would be best being deleted.


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## lonewolf8545 (Jan 12, 2013)

Maybe he has a hyper sex drive? Some guys just want sex and they don't care who it is. Its not emotional for them just a physical release.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Lovingwife315 said:


> Ok wow so I came home today and some more of his stuff was gone. I texted him on the way to drop kids off and said "u were busy today". He said yes don't worry u don't desire me anymore anyway so shake it off and go and find ur happiness".
> 
> I said to him that I don't desire sharing him emotionally or physically with anyone else, and I don't feel special anymore. I told him he threw me away!
> 
> ...


Kind of reminds me something a co-worker told me. He ran into a friend who had recently split from his wife and asked, "What happened anyway? I always thought you and your wife got along great."

His friends response, "My wife and I got along fine...it was her boyfriend I couldn't get along with."

Sounds like he's pouting to me. He's trying to manipulate you into having sex with him. You really need to focus on yourself at this stage. Do what you need to do to get yourself in a good place. Since he chose to take up with another woman he's on his own. You're not responsible for making him feel better about himself.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Hey, LovingWife, you still doing okay? Hanging tough?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Lovingwife315 said:


> WHY on EARTH if he doesn't want to continue our marriage (12 yrs/17 together) would he still want to continue being intamate with me (sometimes he suggests just for me and nothing for him)


For the same reason I screwed Queen Crazy after we split....I was horny as hell.

Keep in mind this is someone I disdain with a passion, my penis doesn't really care though, she's gooey all the same.

Paraphrasing one of my favorite quotes from a self-proclaimed a$$hole, Tucker Max, "Women, you only get the respect you command. If you let a guy sh*t on your chest on the first date, he will. If you make him wait till marriage to have sex, he will if he thinks you're worth it."

If you accept a booty call, he's going to treat you like one. Don't expect to be wined and dined and loved if you let him screw you after cheating and then all he has to do is pick up the phone.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

Doing ok.... Still struggling with WS wanting to be with me sexually. See I stopped saying intimately? That is more special. Sex is jus sex. Doing 180 best I can. Going to IC. Hope to grow stronger


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