# Apathy



## Ynot

I am now two years removed from my divorce. While I am generally in a much better place than I was before (both before my divorce and in the months after) I still find myself feeling a great deal of apathy towards life in general.
For instance the holidays are coming up. I am just not really excited about them. I guess the "magic" is gone. I will buy my kids presents. I will see them at various points thru the holidays but things won't be the same.
I have been dating, I have met many women. I have a nice time with most of them. But really at the end of the day, I do not feel anything for them.
My business is doing great. I am making more money than I ever did before. I have more money in the bank than I ever have had at any point in my life. But I really don't care I am bored with what I do.
I am not a spend thrift either. I buy what I want when I want. I eat good food and have no problem paying for it. I drink whatever I want and again have no qualms about paying for it. I travel whenever I want and stay in nice hotels, eat at expensive restaurants, rent nice cars. But big deal.
Is apathy just one step on the journey from misery to happiness?


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## FeministInPink

I'm not sure if it's a step on the path to happiness. I think apathy can occur when one is just too tired to care one way of the other.

What are the things that bring you joy? Can you bring more of those things into your life?


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## sokillme

Ynot said:


> I am now two years removed from my divorce. While I am generally in a much better place than I was before (both before my divorce and in the months after) I still find myself feeling a great deal of apathy towards life in general.
> For instance the holidays are coming up. I am just not really excited about them. I guess the "magic" is gone. I will buy my kids presents. I will see them at various points thru the holidays but things won't be the same.
> I have been dating, I have met many women. I have a nice time with most of them. But really at the end of the day, I do not feel anything for them.
> My business is doing great. I am making more money than I ever did before. I have more money in the bank than I ever have had at any point in my life. But I really don't care I am bored with what I do.
> I am not a spend thrift either. I buy what I want when I want. I eat good food and have no problem paying for it. I drink whatever I want and again have no qualms about paying for it. I travel whenever I want and stay in nice hotels, eat at expensive restaurants, rent nice cars. But big deal.
> Is apathy just one step on the journey from misery to happiness?


Find something to be passionate about, better yet fine something to be passionate about that helps your fellow man.


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## EunuchMonk

Wow, your life sounds like a dream. It reminds me of the guy who made the video game minecraft. He sold if for millions/billions (not sure) and his life was set. He met with stars and partied every night. Yet he complained about his life being empty. He just waited in the house for all his friends, who had jobs, so he could party that night with them.

I found it hard to sympathise. To me he was living a superficial life, that is why he felt empty. Drink, party, debauchery, boring day alone, rinse-repeat. I mean why doesn't he go do some volunteer work or something meaningful. Not like he has bills to worry about. So he is flexible.

I agree that helping your fellow man in some way will give you a sense of fulfillment. Goodspeed, OP.


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## Ynot

sokillme said:


> Find something to be passionate about, better yet fine something to be passionate about that helps your fellow man.


I am not trying to be argumentative, but if there was something I felt passionate about, I wouldn't be feeling apathetic. Maybe I haven't found it yet? I do different things, try to put myself out there, force myself to stay engaged, try to live in the moment, learn new things etc etc. I just find myself lacking any spark in my life.


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## Lostinthought61

Ynot, here is a thought create a new traditions for yourself, work at a shelter or soup kitchen.....maybe your will find happiness in helping others.


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## doureallycare2

Ynot said:


> I am not trying to be argumentative, but if there was something I felt passionate about, I wouldn't be feeling apathetic. Maybe I haven't found it yet? I do different things, try to put myself out there, force myself to stay engaged, try to live in the moment, learn new things etc etc. I just find myself lacking any spark in my life.



I so totally get this! I wonder how you handle change, any kind of change? When I look back, I see a pattern in my life of basically hating change and yet never really realizing I did. I'm a very happy type of person. I recently broke both my ankles and was out of work for 3 months. I get told every day how glad my co-workers are to have me back, that I bring life to the office, only problem, I feel fake and have for a couple years now. When I'm with people I don't want to be with them. If I'm alone I don't want to be alone. My life is not what I wanted and it was basically changed with out my consent. lol....That's how it goes right?

In an effort to confront change and "make the most of it" I went on a two year dating frenzy. I volunteer, I socialize. I stopped dating a year ago because I was hurting some really nice men. I didn't know what I wanted. I do now. I want to love and its not enough to love my family, my friends, my self etc. I want that close love, intimacy, acceptance. and as much as I want to receive it I think I miss giving it more. But how do you get it? I'm not willing to go searching for it. For me it has to be easy, just happens. so we will see... for now I will go apathetically on...  hopefully not being a downer to anyone else and I think that's okay. Sometimes it takes us time to adjust to get to know who we are now and what we have to offer. If you need this time, let yourself have it is all I'm saying.


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## Cooper

Ynot are you truly apathetic or are you content but feeling guilty about it? Are you gauging your life by what you think society calls "normal"?. Your current life sounds very much like mine, yet for a time after my divorce I kept thinking I was missing something or needed to be "passionate" about some cause. But you know what? I got to a point where I said f**k all that BS. I spent many years of my life moving at 100mph focused on doing it all all of the time. Why? So I could be the perfect dad? Perfect husband? Perfect business owner? Perfect community member? blah...blah...blah. Sure that was great and I might do it just the same if I had to do over but the thing is I don't, I'm at the "been there done that" point of my life. 

For many years all I wanted was for my life to slow down so I could enjoy the fruits of my labors, and that's where I have finally arrived, I (and maybe you) need to recognize that, relax and enjoy it.

You will visit with your kids over the holidays and enjoy each others company, great. Business is doing well and you have the time and money to enjoy yourself, great. You set your own schedule, go where you want, do what you want when you want as you want, great. Sounds perfect to me. I for one don't need fireworks in my life anymore, I am very very happy watching a candle flicker in the dark.

Ynot my point being you are in a position to do or try anything you want, if you need purpose and passion to focus on than find it, but don't feel that you must just to look "normal". Make your own normal.


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## Satya

@Ynot, your life would be the very ideal for some. 

Your post examines many of the things you do have, as a measure or assertion of general success. 

Those standards are what you make. Sure, society dictates to a great extent, but do you conform to everything society says, or march to the beat of your own drum? 

The message I read is, you have all these things but you have not found a new meaning of happiness. Healing can take a long time. I was in a similar place for 3 years before I found real happiness again. Maybe you will realize happiness again precisely when you are meant to. Meanwhile, I see your life is quite full of very positive qualities.


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## Evinrude58

I know how you feel. But I do think it the feeling of apathy will go away when your mind gets tied up on something you ARE passionate about. MAKE SURE it's not a woman! Find something else that brings you excitement. I like hunting and fishing. You have money now, maybe buying a piece of land and gardening, or finding a nice piece of property to develop out in the country to your liking would bring you some excitement. Just an idea... But find SOMETHING that you enjoy doing enough that you look forward all the time to it. If you find some woman that really excites you and brings you happiness, remember that can be taken away any time they feel like it.
Glad you're doing well in other aspects of your life...


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## Chuck71

Your happiness is defined by you and you alone. If you base it on having a SO, VERY slippery slope.

Not saying you are.... but many do. I'm not one to fit into societal norms..... I've never had a 

smart phone (I do admit I'm about to break down soon and get one), I was told my sweaters were

outdated.... remind me to care, never cared for new gadgets. Maybe I'm 74 in a 44 y/o body.

Never let anyone or anything define you.


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## Emerging Buddhist

Chuck71 said:


> Your happiness is defined by you and you alone.


I always like these simple truths... :smile2:


Funnily enough, one feels apathy because of the lack of calm in self... not too much of it.

You keep looking for it outside... not inside.


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## Ynot

Emerging Buddhist said:


> I always like these simple truths... :smile2:
> 
> 
> Funnily enough, one feels apathy because of the lack of calm in self... not too much of it.
> 
> You keep looking for it outside... not inside.


There is an element of truth in the issue of lack of calm. I do feel as though I am just casting about looking for something to be passionate about. Like I said, since my divorce, I have traveled, I have learned to ride, gotten my MC license and purchased a MC, I am learning to play a guitar and learning to read music. These were all things I have always wanted to do, not just cliche's. I have dated many women, I have experienced many different things, been exposed to different situations, etc etc. It is just that none of them have become things I am passionate about. So in that regards I do lack calmness, my sense of me is not settled. I know that I don't want to be a hermit. I don't want to withdraw into my self, so I force myself to be engaged in order not to collapse into my self like a black hole.


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## jb02157

I think as time passes that the "ahh so what's" will start going away. I don't see, though, in going through a divorce you have more money than you ever had. All my research says that if I did get divorced I would be in the midst of poverty. If I could be in your position right now, I'd file tomorrow.


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## KJ_Simmons

Have you tried working on yourself, and by that I mean your fitness/body? It's a great way to invest in yourself and while very hard work, is very rewarding when you see results.


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## SunCMars

You are flopping your arms in a shallow, chlorinated swimming pool.

Go to the local dive store.

Walk past all the skin diving equipment. You will outgrow those pronto, Tonto.

Go to the certified diver owner. Tell him you want deep diving gear.

He will give books on Philosophy, Ethics, Poetry, Biography's and a few good Scientific articles to "bone up" on.

Go to the desert and read these books at 'your' leisure. Forty days and Forty nights should be enough.

On a clear night, in that desert lay a tarp down. Set a pillow at one end.

Lay on your back, have a pair of good binoculars at your side.

Look at 'your' Universe, think about 'your' place in 'your' Universe.

Count your lucky stars....burn them into 'your' memory. And never complain about another thing.


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## Ynot

jb02157 said:


> I think as time passes that the "ahh so what's" will start going away. I don't see, though, in going through a divorce you have more money than you ever had. All my research says that if I did get divorced I would be in the midst of poverty. If I could be in your position right now, I'd file tomorrow.


Well, I am no longer supporting two life styles. I have greatly simplified my life, down sized my home and have more time to make money as opposed to being available for the various things I did in the past to try to make her happy. For instance I don't take a week off (which actually means more like three weeks when you consider what it entails to take a week off as a self employed person) during my busiest part of the year to go to a beach in season. I am only paying for one cell phone, one car insurance premium, a smaller house, I keep the house temp to my liking and don't have to pay exorbitant electric bills because every house in the light is on, etc etc. 
My kids are grown, so that also factors into it, but generally since I am in control of my life now, I am only responsible for it, and no one else's.
So I make more, pay less and have more left over (lot's more)


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## Ynot

KJ_Simmons said:


> Have you tried working on yourself, and by that I mean your fitness/body? It's a great way to invest in yourself and while very hard work, is very rewarding when you see results.


I have worked out all of my life. The last thing I want is a layer of physical ailments piled on top of the emotional ones


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## 5Creed

No advice at all; but only a supportive "I get it" too post. Just when you think you have your life planned out; then something happens to change the course of it. I like to think of it as taking a little break from it all since a lot has happened to get me to this particular place. My fear at times is not getting out of it; but as life goes and has proven before, it will hopefully change up soon.


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## BlueWoman

Ynot,
Honestly, it sounds like you are depressed, meaning that you can't take joy from rewarding experiences. I know it sounds crazy, since you look at your life and you feel like you should be happy. But sometimes are brains don't do what we expected. I would start with talk therapy and go from their. It's possible you might need some medication to jump start you being able to feel again.


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## Ynot

Here is another thought. Am I really feeling apathy or just normal emotions after so man years of being on emotional overload. Maybe this is my true baseline and I just need to adapt to it. Because I really don't want the drama that I have just experienced.


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## Chuck71

Ynot said:


> Here is another thought. Am I really feeling apathy or just normal emotions after so man years of being on emotional overload. Maybe this is my true baseline and I just need to adapt to it. Because I really don't want the drama that I have just experienced.


You are the sole leader of your own life.... the world can follow or go F themselves.

Crude but if you strip it all down.... I make choices I don't want to but I know I have to, for me


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## Cooper

Ynot said:


> Here is another thought. Am I really feeling apathy or just normal emotions after so man years of being on emotional overload. Maybe this is my true baseline and I just need to adapt to it. Because I really don't want the drama that I have just experienced.


That is precisely my thinking toward myself. I was married for twenty years to a woman who acted hysterical about everything, the good and the bad. Her emotions were so over the top I think I learned to remain calm with very measured reactions, and now that's my normal. There are things in my life I enjoy a great deal, but to declare I'm "passionate" about something would be a stretch, and maybe that's because I view passion as extreme, and to me extreme means hysteria, which I do not like. 

Huh, never really thought along those lines before....maybe I am damaged. lol


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## turnera

Ynot said:


> Here is another thought. Am I really feeling apathy or just normal emotions after so man years of being on emotional overload. Maybe this is my true baseline and I just need to adapt to it. Because I really don't want the drama that I have just experienced.


meh, it just sounds like you haven't done any real introspection to find out what to DO with your new life. You've tried on stuff but it's all superficial. Maybe it's just time for a new life. You have nothing tying you there - picture some OTHER life for yourself. For example, I'm kicking myself for not moving down to South America or the Caribbean in my 20s and buying a boat rental company and living a fun life for the rest of my life. What else could you be doing with this one life you have?


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## Ynot

Cooper said:


> That is precisely my thinking toward myself. I was married for twenty years to a woman who acted hysterical about everything, the good and the bad. Her emotions were so over the top I think I learned to remain calm with very measured reactions, and now that's my normal. There are things in my life I enjoy a great deal, but to declare I'm "passionate" about something would be a stretch, and maybe that's because I view passion as extreme, and to me extreme means hysteria, which I do not like.
> 
> Huh, never really thought along those lines before....maybe I am damaged. lol


I hear you brother. My therapist agreed with me, that maybe it isn't that I am apathetic as much as it is like an addict coming off a high. The world just seems so mundane now that I am not being prodded to constantly worry about everything just because she did. My ex was the queen of convention, she always colored within the lines and never thought outside of the box. She bought into whatever hype was being spewed at that point. I tend to look at things critically and question motivations, for that I was considered to not be passionate. Never mind that when I did express passion it was written off as invalid.


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## Ynot

turnera said:


> meh, it just sounds like you haven't done any real introspection to find out what to DO with your new life. You've tried on stuff but it's all superficial. Maybe it's just time for a new life. You have nothing tying you there - picture some OTHER life for yourself. For example, I'm kicking myself for not moving down to South America or the Caribbean in my 20s and buying a boat rental company and living a fun life for the rest of my life. What else could you be doing with this one life you have?


Actually I do have something keeping me here - my kids. As far as introspection, I have done way more than I ever wanted to. I have some ideas of the direction I want to take my life, but just haven't moved in that direction yet. I really think I need to settle into being me. Probably for the first time in my life.


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## turnera

I thought you said your kids were grown.


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## browser

turnera said:


> I thought you said your kids were grown.


Nice call.


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## Ynot

turnera said:


> I thought you said your kids were grown.


My kids are grown. That doesn't mean I don't want to see them. In fact I want to be a part of their lives. I didn't realize a parents love ended when the kids grow up.


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## browser

Ynot said:


> My kids are grown. That doesn't mean I don't want to see them. In fact I want to be a part of their lives.


Do THEY want you to be a part of theirs?

That's all that matters unfortunately.


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## Ynot

browser said:


> Do THEY want you to be a part of theirs?
> 
> That's all that matters unfortunately.


Yes, they do and I am. I have no interest in moving to Bora Bora to live the rest of my life as a beach bum if I am not a part of their lives.


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## bojangles

I am nowhere near where you are in the process, nor have the same level of financial freedom, but can relate. 

I'm very apathetic towards the future and am getting there w/ respect to the past. 

I've done a ton of introspection and have come to a similar conclusion. 



Ynot said:


> I really think I need to settle into being me. Probably for the first time in my life.


I struggle w/ who "me" is. Some mostly ok dude that will manifest if I just relax, quit doing psychological gymnastics and "be myself". Or some guy I need to forge from the fires of creation, a phoenix rising from the ashes of a broken dream. I guess he could be either. 

Spring is a long way out but golf can bring calmness (along w/ rage)...neither of which is apathy, if only for a short while.


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## Hope Shimmers

I can relate to the apathy. I'm 9 years out of my divorce.

For me I think it is about my life always being about living for someone else. During my marriage it was my H and kids. During the years I have been divorced, it was primarily my kids. But I have also been in several long-term relationships since divorcing (one was several years long), so between that and my kids, I had a focus.

Now.... I have no relationship right now. And 2 of my kids are grown and gone, and the third is in high school and doesn't need me in the same way anymore. That frees up my time to do.... what? Suddenly I don't know what I am supposed to do.

I think that's maybe where you are at, Ynot. 

There are things I want to do, like sell this huge house and move across the country and into someplace smaller. There is a lot to do to this house to get it ready to sell. But I think... why? Why do I care?

A friend of mine emailed me today and sent me a photo of a note that her husband left for her on the front door when he left for work this morning. It said, "____, I love you more than life. I am the luckiest man in the world to be married to you!" I was so jealous at first. I was thinking, will I EVER meet a man who says that to me? 

Then I read the thread about happyman64 who had stage 4 cancer and may not be with us now, and I realized that I need to stop freaking WHINING. 

And I am NOT saying you are whining. I'm saying that I have been. For far too long.

I don't know when or how it all falls into place. I don't know how to acquire motivation to make it happen. But part of me feels like maybe it NEVER all falls into place, after reading some threads here. Maybe it's all just an illusion. I want a relationship and a man who loves me and who I can love, and I haven't found that.... but if I did, maybe it would just end up like some of the threads here anyway. Maybe the only person I can count on is myself. And my dog.

All of these things that I know I need to be doing, and I just ask myself, "Why?"


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## Ynot

bojangles said:


> I am nowhere near where you are in the process, nor have the same level of financial freedom, but can relate.
> 
> I'm very apathetic towards the future and am getting there w/ respect to the past.
> 
> I've done a ton of introspection and have come to a similar conclusion.
> 
> 
> 
> I struggle w/ who "me" is. Some mostly ok dude that will manifest if I just relax, quit doing psychological gymnastics and "be myself". Or some guy I need to forge from the fires of creation, a phoenix rising from the ashes of a broken dream. I guess he could be either.
> 
> Spring is a long way out but golf can bring calmness (along w/ rage)...neither of which is apathy, if only for a short while.


I don't have financial freedom. I am far from wealthy. But sadly, I am able to say even with that low threshold to begin with, that the really pitiful amount of money I have (which is my only true asset). Is still more than I ever had in my life.

In regards to golf, I would say mostly rage. I have only truly perhaps one of two rounds of golf this past years where I really felt in the moment. Otherwise I find myself just going thru the motions and being frustrated. I have had few long periods in the moment.


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## Ynot

Hope Shimmers said:


> I can relate to the apathy. I'm 9 years out of my divorce.
> 
> For me I think it is about my life always being about living for someone else. During my marriage it was my H and kids. During the years I have been divorced, it was primarily my kids. But I have also been in several long-term relationships since divorcing (one was several years long), so between that and my kids, I had a focus.
> 
> Now.... I have no relationship right now. And 2 of my kids are grown and gone, and the third is in high school and doesn't need me in the same way anymore. That frees up my time to do.... what? Suddenly I don't know what I am supposed to do.
> 
> I think that's maybe where you are at, Ynot.
> 
> There are things I want to do, like sell this huge house and move across the country and into someplace smaller. There is a lot to do to this house to get it ready to sell. But I think... why? Why do I care?
> 
> A friend of mine emailed me today and sent me a photo of a note that her husband left for her on the front door when he left for work this morning. It said, "____, I love you more than life. I am the luckiest man in the world to be married to you!" I was so jealous at first. I was thinking, will I EVER meet a man who says that to me?
> 
> Then I read the thread about happyman64 who had stage 4 cancer and may not be with us now, and I realized that I need to stop freaking WHINING.
> 
> And I am NOT saying you are whining. I'm saying that I have been. For far too long.
> 
> I don't know when or how it all falls into place. I don't know how to acquire motivation to make it happen. But part of me feels like maybe it NEVER all falls into place, after reading some threads here. Maybe it's all just an illusion. I want a relationship and a man who loves me and who I can love, and I haven't found that.... but if I did, maybe it would just end up like some of the threads here anyway. Maybe the only person I can count on is myself. And my dog.
> 
> All of these things that I know I need to be doing, and I just ask myself, "Why?"


At the moment I don't even know that I want a relationship. I am beginning to feel as though my inner self is telling me to look within and find the real me. I find it hard to feel comfortable in a relationship since I don't know how I want it to proceed. Maybe for the first time I realize that I am in control. But I don't know where I want to go.


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## turnera

There's no rush, is there? Just enjoy life.


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## onepotatotwo

Yeah! Because divorce is also a step. Until you find and do things that bring you joy, you're going to feel empty and apathetic.
Maybe take a class or do some counseling to figure out what excites you. And dating is just dating. You kind of expect a spark and when it doesn't happen, one can feel disappointed. I can feel sparks but I'm not at the place where I want the demands of a relationship. I'm content alone and I enjoy being with people, but I don't feel the magic tingle that would make me want to be bound by the confines of a relationship. I enjoy doing what I want, and am not ready to share that with someone or compromise my ME time. Getting divorced did t magically fix my life, changing it took work...the divorce was just the catalyst that moved me into knowing myself and allowed me to rekindle my own interests.
Hope you can find things that make you spark!


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## moco82

Seems normal, especially apathy towards relationships and the opposite sex. The frame of reference needs to be reset, your lens recalibrated.


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## Haiku

@Ynot - I probably read too quickly but what exactly are you apathetic about? Everything?


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## mjlacher

Ynot said:


> I am not trying to be argumentative, but if there was something I felt passionate about, I wouldn't be feeling apathetic. Maybe I haven't found it yet? I do different things, try to put myself out there, force myself to stay engaged, try to live in the moment, learn new things etc etc. I just find myself lacking any spark in my life.


It is not unusual to feel depressed during and after divorce, but being that you seem generally apathetic to things and circumstances that "should" bring you some joy, even long after the divorce, have you considered that you might be struggling with low grade chronic depression? 

Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk


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## bandit.45

Y Not, I could have written this thread. I am in the exact same boat. I live, I work, I go through the motions. I do have many hobbies, but they only go so far in fulfilling me. Right now I'm learning Spanish style/flamenco guitar. I don't play golf anymore because I simply refuse to pay the ridiculous fees courses charge nowadays. I work out a bit and walk every day. I'm thinking of getting a dog. 

Sigh...that's about it.


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