# My Whole Story: Sex & Marriage (Lack Of)



## Alpha Sud (Feb 19, 2012)

Hi,

I found this site by accident & glad I did. If nothing else I just want to write my story.

My wife & I were friends 20 years ago, I was dating a girl but it wasnt going anywhere. Anyway one Sunday afternoon my future wife calls & suggests we start going out .

My response, "I dont think so, we are too different".

Anyway I agree and break up with the girlfried, it was going to happen anyway.

I start dating the future wife and it was good, not long into the dating we get pretty intimate in the back of my car. THe next day I tell her I dont think this relationship is for me.

Honestly it was going too quick towards sex. I wasnt ready and felt uncomfortable.

I felt immense guilt & carried on with the relationship for 4 years and the intimacy escalated & it was great.

So after 4 years we got married. After about 5 years of marriage the sex started to wane. For the past 9 years it could easily be defined as sexless (maybe every few months).

Esssentially my wife has grown into a very controlling person. Things need to be done her way, I generally agree to avoid conflict, but I'm fairly esy going anyway.

I have now got to a point of being sick anf honestly embarrassed by always being rejected when it comes to sex. Maybe its rejection. She wont talk about it and has develop a little bit of a very moral (puritan) attitude to sex.

Today, after further rejection last night I thought, you know we are like flatmates, we share the house together but thats it. I work she doesnt, a real frustration with her as she was asked to leave her last job in 2004.

I wont be unfaithful, am still highly charged when it comes to my wife but think stuff it. I will just lead a seperate life to you.

In hese supposedly romantic place we were sexless. She recfact last year we went to Paris & Rome together. For 3 weeks in tkons Paris is such a romantic place....Oh yeah I answer.

I now often just say NO to her if its something I dont want to do. Before, to not disappoint her I would say yes. But since No is her preferred word, its now mine. This I must stress is not to get even, I just cant see the point in pleasing her as I feel my good nature is often taken advantage of.

I cant help thinking though that I was lured sexually into this marriage and I may have ben duped and played. Maybe its my resentment, but its the way I'm thinking.

Thanks For Reading & Any Comments.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

. Do you mean that she plied you with 4 years of good sex and you married her because of sex and not much else. Then she plied with good sex to keep you married for 5 additional years. I think your unhappiness is affecting the way you are looking at this.

Instead of focusing on being tricked, look at the dynamic in your marriage as the root cause of the problems. Determine if they can be fixed. Go to IC and MC and give it the best effort you can. If that does not work, then decide if you want to live as friends or end the union and find a more suitable mate. 

The way you told your story makes it seem as if she controlled the relationship from the start and you went along for the ride. If that has been your mode of operating then you need to work on exerting yourself. That should be one of your goals in therapy. Even if things don't work out with your wife, the work you do on yourself will do you well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stoomey74 (Sep 20, 2009)

I don't think he is saying he was tricked persay. I know what he is saying about the feelings of rejection. I think that is the main point that so many people miss when a guy is talking about lack of sex.

I feel it is hard for a man to articulate what he is feeling and therefore just says lack of sex. I too complained about lack of sex, but in reality it was the feeling of rejection and not being wanted.

I feel he is say he is not wanted and feels rejected. Sure he started out getting sex, but I am sure he also got the feeling of being wanted. Now he feels he is no longer wanted.

He did not just marry her for sex, but for the feelings of being wanted and now she is not giving him that feeling and it goes back ot the men want sex thing.

I know sex is part of it, but I think biologically that is how men feel wanted.

Just my thoughts, feel free to fire away.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Alpha Sud said:


> Hi,
> Esssentially my wife has grown into a very controlling person. Things need to be done her way, I generally agree to avoid conflict, but I'm fairly esy going anyway.


Hi Alpha Sud ~

Well, where to start with this? 

First, go here and start reading and see if any of it resonates with you:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

You know, it kind of sounds like you've always just 'gone along' with things. You need to get to the point where you are not just along for the ride in your own life, but have taken the helm and are steering and navigating on your own. Sounds like your wife has HAD to take control of things because you don't want to - and it sounds like maybe she doesn't particularly enjoy that role.

There will be some other guys along here in a bit, I would think, that will give you some links to some other places to go to for more information. 

Best wishes.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Stoomey I see your point. I was being hyperbolic with the interpretation of his feeling about being fooled about his wife. 

I think you are right - the message she gave him prior to marriage and 5 years in was that he was important and she wanted him because she expressed a strong sexual attraction. 

It not only went away but it went from sizzling hot to sub zero during the course of the last several years.

My point was that he has been going along to get along for too long. It is no longer serving him well.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

It's a vicious cycle

No sex for husband, no meeting her needs.

Not meeting her needs, no sex for husband.

Rinse/repeat and nobody wins. Eventually someone either cheats, leaves the marriage or they both just live a life of pure hell as brothers and sisters in a marriage.

Sit her down and say you need sex, end of discussion. You'll have to meet her needs also though to get it. If you try to fill her needs and she rejects you still (with one of the 2 million excuses us high drive spouses have heard all too often) then maybe it's time to move on.

Unless you can live a life of celibacy or jerking yourself off for the rest of your life looking at porn.


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## Alpha Sud (Feb 19, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> . Do you mean that she plied you with 4 years of good sex and you married her because of sex and not much else. Then she plied with good sex to keep you married for 5 additional years. [/i][/size]


Catherine, you probably hit me with that one. I have thought about your comment and if I am honest the answer would be yes.

I feel guilty for admitting this BUT I think the intimacy was so good that I was blinded (by myself) to other things.

She has actually admitted to me that during the time we dated she didnt want to lose me and just tried to make me happy.

Now, I would rather her have been upfont, warts and all to allow me to make an informed choice.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

cheatinghubby, you put it so simple.

but that is very clear and very true.

anyway, i had sex messages, cyber sex with another girl and now its more or less over. but yeh NO sex for me, mainly due to her epression but yes is a vicious cycle


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Alpha Sud said:


> Catherine, you probably hit me with that one. I have thought about your comment and if I am honest the answer would be yes.
> 
> I feel guilty for admitting this BUT I think the intimacy was so good that I was blinded (by myself) to other things.
> 
> ...


Alpha hold your horses, dont over think this. I was being over the top with what I wrote. I just wanted you to think about your feeling of being manipulated to marry because the sex was great. 

It sounds like you are judging yourself or maybe you think the fact that sex was a consideration in your selection of a mate was somehow a weakness. It is not. It is called bonding. 

What you are describing is a normal initial bonding experience of couples that fall in love. You were not fooled by good sex, if that were the case then we are all fooled. 

In a way we are, - that starry eyed stage does blind you to many things. It is probably necessary to form a good initial bond. 

The hard part is maintaing the bond after the honeymoon stage. That's where your relationship hit the wall. 

Clearly your feelings for your wife run deep. But those feelings are being killed by the lack of respect and regard that you are experiencing now. 

The fact that sex is no longer a priority in your wife's mind makes all of the other aspects in your marriage mill stones around your neck.

What are you going to do now? What are your plans? You have arrived at a place that many marriages do. This is crunch time, there is a fork in the road. 

Are you going to be dragged into someones dreams :whip: or are you finally ready to walk in your own dreams? :woohoo:


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## Alpha Sud (Feb 19, 2012)

Thanks for replying Catherine.

Well I will stay in the marriage because of my love for my kids. Let me use this analogy, the bloke in prison for 20 years cant go anywhere, he learns to adjust to get by.

Now getting by isnt great but hey, you have to adapt in life. I have my motorbike, a very responsible job and these things to help support me mentally.

Like I said earlier, she has told me that when dating, she didnt want to lose me and therefore tried to please me. I didnt want that, I wanted to see the real person and thats whats also led me to think I was duped.

More To Come, just feeling a little upset writing this right now.

Cheers.


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