# I need to save my marriage....



## radchad (Nov 25, 2010)

This is my first time on this website, and I think that just talking about it, and sharing thoughts with others may help me get through this a little better.

Today is day 19 of the worst time of my life.
I used to be married to a beautiful woman for 10 years, and we had two amazing kids together, my 10 year old son who I adopted (formerly step son), and my adorable 5 year old daughter.

That is until Nov 6. That is the fateful day that my wife woke me up to tell me that she wasn't happy in our marriage, and that she wanted me to leave.

I was completely blind sided. She always said that she loved me, that she liked the way everything is, and that we would always be together.....and now this.

My wife even said that I was a great husband, and a fantastic father, but she just isn't happy, and she isn't into it anymore. She is not able to give me one single reason as to why she is ending this!

It all just seems so completely unfair, and I don't know why any of this is happening.
Everything that was important in my life has been ripped away from me, and I am left with nothing but unanswered questions.

I know looking at this it smells like an affair. Like she got bored after 10 years of marriage and found something new and exciting in another man. But she insists that there is no one else, and I tend to believe her.

Everybody that knows us is completely dumbfounded. I have been speaking to her friends, and they all say that she admits I was a great husband, and that my wife doesn't even know what is wrong.

I will do ANYTHING to work this out with my wife, and keep this family together.

I initially begged my wife to do marriage counselling, but she said she had no interest.

She has since made a one on one appt with a therapist on Dec 1st (which is great!), and I have been seeing my own therapist to help me deal with this.

My wife also now says she will go to couples counselling with me, but that she sees no way that it will work, but I will certainly exhaust all avenues before I give up on this family.

One of the biggest problems in my marriage has always been a complete lack of communication from my wife. She is just the type of woman that does NOT open up, and does NOT talk about her issues or feelings. That is the way her whole family is (I will get to those nightmare details later, her family is a MAJOR issue), and that is the way she has always been. I always tried to get her to open up and communicate, but was never very successful.

Okay, I guess this is enough verbiage to start the thread. I will be happy to share more details further in the thread.

Any advice on how to fix this, and how to cope with my new life is greatly appreciated. Or even people who have been through this, and came out the other side.


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## Quantumfilament (Oct 30, 2010)

Hi Radchad

I feel for you, your story has some similarities with mine. I am on day about 400 now since my wife emotionally abandoned me, you can find my thread and read the whole sorry story, there may be some help in there applicable to you, the 180 for example. And from the 180 I would say you should consider the following:

Enough with the begging and pleading, it makes you look weak and a women does not appreciate a weak male.

Begin to move on with your life and don't start any further discussions about the future unless she brings it up, and then just listen, don't offer advice or opinions, just listen and tell her you want to think about what she has said for a few days. This gives her time to also analyse what she has told you and in retrospect it may seem to her that she has gone OTT in some areas. 

Don't show any interest in what she is doing, don't tell her you love her.

Do go out and enjoy your life, even though you don't want to, I joined an astronomy club for example and although I was tortured emotionally inside I am now feeling 1000% better after only two weeks of following the 180.

Try to make yourself an interesting and enigmatic person to be around, but not too overtly, do things that are different to what she has seen over the last 10 years.

If she is willing to go to counselling that is good, no matter why she thinks she is going (mine told me she would only go if it made me realise why she wanted to leave, therefore I didn't go).

Remember that there is another side to life and it's her choice whether she joins you there or not, regardless of whether she chooses to accompany you further in life you still have a life to lead and you need to start enjoying it now. Spend time with your kids and other family, don't make any extra effort to accommodate her wishes, remember she is the one who has dumped this on you, she has to make the next move and if you have the right frame of mind you will be ready for it and already moving on without her.

And lastly, do not leave, stay in your home, there is no way you should be forced to leave. You have children there and they need to be cared for, do not walk out that door under anything short of a court order because once you've left you'll find it very difficult to get back in. If she want's to end it then SHE has to go, tell her to start looking at rental accommodation if she keeps raising the issue of your leaving but you MUST stay in your home.

Good luck and post more if you think it will help define the problem further.


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## radchad (Nov 25, 2010)

Thanks for the reply Quantum.

So I am sitting in week 4 of this traumatic adventure.

My wife is going to her first individual therapy appt tomorrow, not sure what is going to come of that, but I am trying to remain hopeful.

My wife says she doesn't believe that therapy works, she doesn't believe that communication works, she even says that she doesn't even believe in trying to make this work for the kids.....who knows. I still try to tell her that her and I NEVER tried anything together since she hates to open up and communicate, and for the kids, we have to at least really try once to see if we can make a good marriage for our family.
She doesn't seem very convinced, but hopefully the therapist can get through to her.

She confirmed another revelation last night that I was suspicious of since this all happened. One of the big reasons this marriage ended is, are you ready for this? "Because I wasn't enough of a jerk/*sshole".

Can you believe that? I suspected this previously, since I treated her like gold and that didn't work. I discussed with my therapist, and she says that since she grew up with her parents not having a good marriage, and her father being an alcoholic, she then moved into bad relationships with jerks that didn't treat her right, and now that is what she is used to, and that is what she is comfortable with.

Apparently she never quite knew how to deal with how good I was to her, nor could she figure out how to reciprocate it. I told her I think she deserves to fully appreciate a great marriage, with a great guy, she just needs to learn how to open up and accept it comfortably.

Anyways, her and I are talking, but she is still adamant that she has no desire to be with me.

So I am still sitting here waiting for a miracle in therapy...but I am getting more and more afraid that a miracle isn't coming.....

Has anyone even heard of a situation where you were TOO good to your wife???

And in answer to Quantum's advice, I have already left the home, but I am sleeping there while she is on afternoon shift so that I can take care of the kids.


Thanks....


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Check out the "Nice Guy" thread:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

C


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## radchad (Nov 25, 2010)

Sigh....well I guess that is it.

My wife went to her first therapist session, and her therapist suggested that there is no hope of working this marriage out, and that my wife should tell me that it is absolutely over, no chance of reconciliation.

This is all just so awful.
Want to know the worst part? My wife now says that she never loved me over the course of our 10 year marriage.

We met, were crazy for each other, and we got married 7 months later. Hard to believe I used to love to tell that story of 'true love'.

My wife says she had second thoughts going down the aisle, but she knew I was a great guy that treated her and her son very, very well, so she figured she would fall in love with me later.

She let me legally adopt her son, figuring she would love me later, she had a daughter with me 5 years into the marriage, figuring she would love me later.

She LIED to me thousands of times to convince me that she loved me, and now this. "I never loved you.....".

It is all so HORRIBLE....

For reasons that make some sense, I don't think she is capable of truly opening up and loving a partner. I try to tell myself that it is not me, it is her. She is still saying I was a great husband, and a great father, and a fantastic person, but she is just not capable of loving me. She can't give me one single reason why she didn't fall in love with me, she just doesn't know.

The worst part is that apparently her therapist has told her this is normal, these things happen. I don't see how marrying someone, raising 2 children with him over 10 years all the while pretending to love him is in anyway normal.

I still like to think that if she can fix what is obviously broken inside her, that we could work this out. But I know that is just being too hopeful, and it is highly unlikely it will ever happen.

I just feel so sad, and hurt and confused...
I know I will get through this eventually...but right now, it just doesn't seem like I can ever get over this.....


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## Quantumfilament (Oct 30, 2010)

I feel for you mate, that's really a callous way to be treated. Is she mentally ill?

How do you know that's what the therapist said, were you there with her? If not she's probably just making it all up in order to justify her position, hell, I bet she never even went. But if she did go and if that's her attitude then it's time for you to move on mate. This is over, it sucks I know but life goes on and you will definitely get over it, no doubt in my mind, you just need time to realise that. 

I've never heard of a woman who wants her partner to be an ******* or a jerk, perhaps what she is really saying is that you were not exciting enough for her. Whatever the real reason which you may never know, you have to think of you now, put this behind you, remember the good times and it may help to think that your real wife, the one who was loving and kind has been lost to some sort of terrible brain disease that has converted her into this bitter doppelgänger you now find yourself with. That's what I did, I imagined that my real wife has died and the person I am with now (currently about to separate from) is someone totally different but just happens to look like her.

Move on, you deserve better.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

No real therapist would suggest that that I can think of. Most would say to work on it, especially on the first visit. Something doesn't smell right.


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## radchad (Nov 25, 2010)

Yeah...I agree with that sounding strange from the therapist.

We are going to see the therapist together on the 16th, but it sounds like it is just for the therapist to explain to me that it is over and how we should move forward.

I plan on going to the therapist to share my insight over the last 10 years, and hopefully provide some clues as to why my wife is the way she is. The only answer to all of this is that my wife is able to fix herself, even though that is a long shot.

I have been doing a LOT of research. I specifically researched 'Adult children of alchoholics', and I ordered a book on the subject. My wife's personality and behaviour reflects the template for an adult child of an alcoholic and dysfunctional family.

1) Difficulty with intimacy
2) Pretending everything is fine and not dealing with problems
3) Lying when there is no reason to lie (I would always catch her lying to me and other people when there was no benefit)
4) Difficulty having fun and having a good time
5) Being attracted to other addicts and bad people similar to the alcoholic father

The list goes on. I think reading the book to learn about the possible root causes, and realizing there is nothing I could have ever done about it unless she wanted to fix it herself, will make me feel a little better.

I would be happy to provide advice to her, but I don't think she is very open to that right now.

The best I can do is tell the therapist on the 16th what I think the root causes are (and yes, it is ALL her family and childhood and upbringing), and hope the therapist can run with it.

We are talking nicely, and I am even invited to the house for a family dinner and game night this Sunday, and I get to spend Xmas morning with my family, so that is nice.

The only way I am getting all this family time is by keeping it to myself how much I still love her and want my family back. I am showing that I am moving on, and that makes her more comfortable I suppose.

Truth is, this is still all SO HARD. Jeez, I am crying in my office while I write this, and I still have a good cry at least once every other day.

I am still seeing my therapist once a week, and I go through an entire box of Kleenex like a blubbering fool...but I always feel better afterwards.

WHEN does this start to get BETTER? I know its only been 4 weeks....but I just need to get past this pile of crap that is my life right now....3 months? 6 months?

Sometimes I think I should just meet somebody else as soon as possible...even though my therapist says that is a bad idea...

Thanks for listening....


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## geo (Oct 29, 2010)

Well I am at week 8 or so and it seems like when I'm feeling comfortable with the dreaded "d" and ready to get on with my life something pops up and makes the emotional struggle begin all over again. Just keep your chin up and keep busy with something you enjoy to get through the rough patches. I am sure there is something good for us in the future.


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## radchad (Nov 25, 2010)

Thanks Geo!

I think both you and I know that there is definitely something better at the end of all this for both of us.

The hard part is that FEELING it is a lot harder than KNOWING it!

I bought a new house that I move into Jan 8th, and it is only 2 blocks from my kids, which is great. 

A big part of me still hopes that my wife fixes herself in therapy and we can move onto our marriage 2.0....but a little bit at a time, there is a part of me that thinks it is better being over.

The part of me that wants her back is still much more powerful and overwhelming, but I know that will lessen over time.

I with you the best Geo, and hopefully you and I NEVER have to go through this crap again....


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

NRG said:


> No real therapist would suggest that that I can think of. Most would say to work on it, especially on the first visit. Something doesn't smell right.


Unfortunately my husband's therapist said to him "She will not change....if she hasn't changed in all those years....".....


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## radchad (Nov 25, 2010)

I believe that life is full of change, and anybody can change themselves if they would like to, it just is not easy. Moving forward, I would NEVER get involved with one of these people that say "I am the way I am, and I will never change for anybody". That was one of my wife's favorite sayings, and trust me, that will be a BIG red siren for me in the future! Of course I don't believe that anybody should have the goal of finding someone who they will have to change in order to be happy with them. But I do believe it is a great experience for a couple to grow and make minor changes in their lives together.

My wife has all this awful baggage from her younger years that is tearing apart her present and future, but she has little desire to change any of it.

Unfortunately, I think she will always be unhappy, and will never get to truly enjoy life as much as I (usually) do.

Take me for example, I had a tragic childhood, left an abusive home when I was 15....then my problems REALLY started.
By 18 years old, I was absolute rock bottom, I was an AWFUL person, angry at the entire world and full of hate. But when I was at my lowest, the right person came along at the right time and put out their caring hand and reminded me that it didn't all have to be like this. I could let go of my past, and give myself a future where I could be a good and happy person.

From that day forward, I washed myself of all my sins, dropped my anger, cleaned out my baggage and proceeded to live a positive and productive life. It wasn't easy, and some of it was the luck of the timing, but I did it.

It is sad to see so many people who are the products of their upbringing, and some of them never rise above it....like my wife.


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## grantjordan (Dec 14, 2010)

radchad said:


> I believe that life is full of change, and anybody can change themselves if they would like to, it just is not easy....
> 
> It is sad to see so many people who are the products of their upbringing, and some of them never rise above it....like my wife.


All credit to you and absolutely correct. We can be who we want to be but some prefer to take the easy way out and blame everyone else for the way they are. You will survive this too with that great attitude.


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## radchad (Nov 25, 2010)

So my wife continues to be just awful to me every time we speak.

I have no idea why, since even she admits I was a good husband and that the only thing I ever did wrong was be 'too nice' to her.....

I can guess that her attitude has to either do with her guilt, or the fact that she wants to get rid of me as aggressively as possible. I have told her that I have accepted the fact that we will not be back together, and I had to be frank and tell her that she is quite possibly the most horrible person I have ever met for ever being capable of what she has done to me.

Here is the big question. We still have a Dec 16th mutual therapy session set up with her therapist. This was originally going to be the appt for my wife to tell me that she never loved me, and never wants to be with me again. But my wife already told me all that on her own almost 2 weeks ago, which I guess I appreciate knowing sooner rather than later.

My big question is...do I still go to the therapist appt?
Do I go to just get some sort of answers? Maybe to get some advice on how we move forward and parent our children together? Part of me thinks that if I go and talk together with the therapist, the therapist may be able to convince my wife to not stab me in the heart every time she sees me (like the other day, she insisted on telling me that she never liked kissing me...did I REALLY need to know that???). But then there is another part of me that is DONE with offering her peace, she has crapped all over every opportunity I have given her to be friendly at the end of all this....and frankly, she deserved ZERO offers of friendship for what she has done.

Part of me thinks it is much easier to just cut her out of my life as much as possible, and hate her guts for what she has done to this family. Being friendly just seems like I will still have caring feelings for her, and that will just be too hard.

So what do I do?

1) go to the therapist, offer my wife yet ANOTHER olive branch of peace, but then have to deal with being nice to her and talking to her, which will SUCK when she meets somebody else

2) Skip the therapist, decide to ignore her as much as possible, hate her for what she has done...which will overall be easier on me.

Only problem is, I try to always be a positive person who doesn't harbour hate or contempt for anyone.....but this situation is certainly extraordinary.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

My vote is to go to the session with her. Try to be the bigger person and be clear to her how ****ty she is treating you. I would try to speak up in the session about how you feel and don't be ok to just sit there and have her tell her how she never loved you for an hour for her closure. Although, it would probably be best for her to get some closure and you to say to her and her therapist how $hitty she has been towards you. Hopefully there will be some benefit in that for your kids. The better you two can get along, the better it will be for your kids.

Hopefully she'll realize one day what she did to you and how much she hurt you both.


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## radchad (Nov 25, 2010)

Well, I decided to go to the therapist appt with my wife after all.

One thing I have kept in mind throughout this disaster, is that I always want to know that I exhausted every avenue available to me to make this family work. Skipping the therapy appt with my wife would have seen like a missing link in that goal.

Of course the therapy session ended up being me crying while my wife sat there like a block of ice not really giving a crap.....not that I really expect anything better from her nowadays.

My wife's therapist did say some good things, like my wife needs to stop treating me like crap for no good reason. I made sure to let the therapist know about how my wife is a case study out of the 'Adult Children of Alcoholics' book I am reading. If nothing else, maybe this will give the therapist something to work on to make my wife a better person in the future, even though I gotta say, that poor therapist has an uphill battle!

Now the big decision moving forward is do I hate my wife for everything she has done to this family, and everything she is still doing? In a lot of ways, hating her would make things a lot easier, as long as I don't let it consume my life.

If I decide to go on caring about her (which shockingly, I still do!), then I still have a lot of pain to go through. I am sure she will probably still continue to be cold and cruel to me at times, and the day she meets another man would be another entirely new breakdown for me.

I am generally a good person, who always wishes happiness for others. But there is a scary part of me that is new, a part that hopes she is miserable the rest of her life for what she has done to me and this family. That part does scare me.....

I assume a lot of my feelings are going to change once I meet a good woman who treats me like I deserve though. So until that happens, I can only guess at what my long term feelings will be...


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## danavince (Nov 19, 2009)

Is it her therapist you are going to see? I would recommend finding a neutral therapist that specializes in marriage counseling. And yes, you should go. What ever issues occur in a marriage are a signal that there is an area that needs growth and tending to. She can leave this marriage only to hit the same struggle (or one that looks awfully similar) in her next marriage. Often divorce is an illusion of an escape that will rid us of our pain, but it doesn't quite work that way, it actually ends up compounding the pain, especially when there are children involved. 
If her therapist really said to her she needs to get out (which your wife could have been fabricating to give leverage to her position), then she should find another therapist. 
If your wife struggles with communication, there are a lot of issues beneath the surface that are not being dealt with and she is looking for an escape. 
Again, I highly recommend you seek some couples counseling, if for nothing else but to figure out how to best care for your children through all of this. 
And continue to do your own therapy so you can learn to accept the things in your situation you cannot control and do the work within yourself that this will inevitably bring to the surface.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

radchad, I think I have more in common with your wife than with you... So here's some thoughts.

She may be being hurtful to you to get you to hate or at least dislike her. It would be much easier for her to cut things off with you if that was the case, or you might actually be the one to cut things off. 

Or when she can't tell you anything other than "you're too nice", maybe she's trying to avoid hurting you by telling you some truth?

And in my case, the reason why I sit there like a block of ice in my counseling sessions is because I checked out of our marriage months ago. As our counselor says, I've already grieved for the death of our marriage. The emotions are gone.

You said in your first post that you didn't think there was an affair... Why do you think that? Did you do any digging to satisfy that concern? Or are you just trusting her and what you know about her? Because if she's checked out long ago, I think that's often a dangerous period for an affair (speaking for personal experience). 

And I think danavince's advice is spot on. Both of you have to either deal with the issues that have got you in the current situation, or you'll take them into your next relationship (whether the marriage 2.0 or a new one). If your wife doesn't do this, she's doomed to repeat as well.

C


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

I've read too many stories like this on these forums. This absolutely reeks of an affair. I'm stunned that I'm the first one to mention this. Put a keylogger on her computer, flexispy on her phone, VAR and GPS in her car.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Hating her would be much easier for you (for a while, anyway) but would be much worse for the kids.

Put the kids at the center. But now that means something different, because a LOT of what you need to say to yourself is, "How will it affect the kids if I say/do/act like this? Will it be disrespectful toward the mother they love?"

You must allow them to love and respect their mom even if you don't. They will learn on their own what type of person she is. 

Keep communication with her business-like and related to the business of the divorce and the "business" of raising kids while divorced. It will help YOU detach, and then you will look back feeling good about the way you handled things.
Good luck!


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## radchad (Nov 25, 2010)

I definitely agree with never letting the children see any negative feelings I may have towards their mother.
If I do end up choosing to hate her for everything she has done, I would do my best to make sure the kids would never see this.
Then again, kids can have a knack for picking up on these sorts of things, so I would have to be careful.

I think my wife was really the one to make the first mistake in regards to the children.
When she decided to kick me out of the house, she did it right in front of the kids.
Even worse for her, she actually told our 10 year old son that 'Mommy doesn't want to be with Daddy anymore, and Mommy is telling Daddy to leave'.
I was surprised to hear her throw herself under the bus like that!
My son has been acting out towards his mother since then, and it is quite obvious that he is NOT happy with her.
So not only has my wife lost her husband, I think there is a real possibility that she is going to lose her son to some degree as well.
He has already asked to live with me full time, and even though I said he can't at this time, in a couple of years when he is old enough to make
that decision, I would love to have him.

I guess the right thing to do as a parent would be to talk to my son, and defend my wife to him.
But I just don't feel that she deserves it, and part of me likes the fact that he is upset with her.
Now let me be clear, I never encourage this negative attitude towards his mother, but I am not discouraging it either.
I feel that I treated her right for 10 years, and all that got me was a pile of crap, so why bother doing the right thing for her now?

Oh, and in response to zsu234, I do agree that a lot of her behaviour does point towards an affair.
But I'm not sure if an affair really makes this any worse that it already is.


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## kclqueens (Dec 19, 2010)

radchad said:


> Thanks for the reply Quantum.
> 
> So I am sitting in week 4 of this traumatic adventure.
> 
> ...


what a selfish cow!
sorry.
marry me, u sould like a gem!! oh wait, im already married! 

right, first things first, im a woman btw!
i think u should defo not do the begging act, women hate that. 
i think u should just get on with things, liek go out with your friends, take the kids out, go see your siblings/parents etc. be around happy people, they will rub off on you. 
dont move out! i agree with the first poster, why should u leave! u should say that to her next time it comes up, and act really '*******y' about it, see how she likes that!! something like "riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, you wanna end the marriage, then u go. why the hell should i leave. u want a guy to beat u up and treat u like ****, go look for it then. one day im gna find a beautiful woman who will treat me as good as i treat her, and then ull realised how stupid you are!'. make sure u say it with confidence. make sure u say it even if you dont mean it, coz u need to get your pride back..i mean, all that begging really killed it in away. 

get ur own space. like if she's upset, tell her to sleep on the couch. dont sleep next to her/with her. deprive her of your love, without being a **** and show her that ull be ok. 

best wishes


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## radchad (Nov 25, 2010)

Thought I would provide everyone with an update.

It has now been 2 months since my ex dropped the bomb on me that she never loved me once during out 10 year marriage.

Yesterday I was pretty sure I was feeling better than I ever had since the incident. I get my new house today which is only 2 blocks from my kids, which is great.

I actually thought I was even ready to not be hurt when my wife finally starting seeing somebody else. That is until she told me last night that she is already seeing somebody else.......sigh.
That was SOOOO hard to hear. I had to get off the phone and I started crying uncontrollably...and I really thought all the crying was over with, but apparently I was not nearly as ready as I thought I was to hear that my wife was already with another man.

She kept saying that she was just going to work on herself, and that she wasn't looking for anybody at the moment. She told me that it wasn't serious yet, and that she was taking it slow...but those are probably lies as well. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if this started while we were still married.

It is just heart wrenching to imagine my wife having feelings for another man, and don't even get my started on how crazy I get when I picture them being physical with each other.

How have other people on this site dealt with this? I have never really been a jealous person, but now my jealousy and sadness at this latest revelation is overwhelming. I feel like I am almost back at square one where I was two months ago!

Do I just run out and start dating someone? Sometimes I feel that is by far the quickest way to move on, but I don't know if I am ready.

Is it fair to date someone new when I still have feelings for my wife, even though I know there is no chance of reconciliation?

Sigh.....this is so hard. 

Thanks for listening.

Chad


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Sorry to hear it chad. I've been away from the site for a bit and checked back today to see if there were updates on a few of the posted I had kept up with.

I don't know how I or anyone else would deal with being lied to as much as you have been. Unfortunately, there isn't anything you can do about her treating you as badly has she has.

I don't think a rebound relationship is a good idea. Chances are you'll get into it too quickly for the wrong reasons, but if something comes along don't ignore it. 

Try to keep strong and best of luck. If you do find someone else, I really hope they treat you much better than your wife has. I've read a lot of stories where people find a great match the 2nd time around.


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## radchad (Nov 25, 2010)

Thanks for the kind words Anx, I really do appreciate it!

Well, I got the few things out of the house that she would let me have yesterday, and I am now living in my new home, which is a good step.

She was pretty terrible to me yesterday, but then she calls me last night to make sure I am going to be alright my first night in the new place. She acts like she wants me completely out of her life, but I think she is just nice to me every once in a while just so she can drag me back in and beat on me some more. Ha...and through all of this, a part of me still loves her!

I think I am making a big decision this week. I think the only way I can get away from all her toxic negativity, and the only way I can squash what little love I still have for her is to just get away from her.

I think I am going to send her an email stating that we need to minimize contact as much as humanly possible. She still calls me usually once a day, and she is generally mean to me, and that needs to stop.

I will be telling her, if she needs to contact me, it is in this order:

1) email me
2) text me
3) call me ONLY if it is so urgent you can't use 1 or 2

Even when dropping the kids off or picking up, I want to see her the absolute minimum.

I realize this probably isn't ideal for the kids. The best thing for the kids would be for them to see their parents getting along. But I am really a man on his last shred of willpower here. Its been 2 months, she is already with another man, and I just can NOT take any more of her abuse.

If I am nice to her and talk to her regularly, I am just going to continue to love her, and I will continue to be torn apart that she is with another man. It is funny, she calls me 'crazy' for being jealous and upset. Really??? Two months ago I thought I was in an exclusive relationship with the love of my life...I told her it is absolutely normal for me to be upset about her being with another man! It would be crazy if I wasn't hurt by it right?

Oh, did I mention that she is already bringing her new boyfriend over for dinner with my kids, and they are all going tobogganing together? I told her that it is way too soon to be bringing your new boyfriend around the children, but she somehow completely disagrees with that, and just tells me to stay out of her business. I thought my kids were my business, but apparently not!

Anyways...yeah. I think I need to cut off all contact and pretty much pretend she doesn't even exist. Then my love for her can wane away, and I don't have to take anymore of her abuse.

Hope it works....wish me luck!

Chad


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

I'm sure that "new" boyfriend isn't all that new.

Rest assured this new guy won't likely be around for long, give it 6 months when the honeymoon stage is over.

It is a great idea to cut off as much communication as possible and when you do talk/see her be as cold and businesslike as possible. Show no emotions.

She has no respect for you and sees you as a doormat. You want to talk about change then change yourself and start taking matters into your own hands. Don't wait for her to file for a divorce, you do it. Make it your goal to cut her out of your life as much as possible. If there is a snowball chance in hell of any type of reconciliation it will be from her trying to stop you.

She'll regret all of this one day but that won't be until she realizes she has lost you forever and the guys she dates are POS compared to you. It'll happen, she is in over her head and doesn't realize it yet. There's no point trying to rationalize with her, she has to make these mistakes on her own and suffer the consequences.

Also you have the green light to date. Don't take it seriously and just go out for coffee or whatever to meet new people. It will help with your confidence and give your wife a taste of her own medicine. If she thinks you are really that great she is not going to want to lose you to someone "better" than her.

Good luck and know it's not over yet, not by a long shot. I reconciled with my wife 3 times over the course of 1 1/2 years and she even moved in with the OM twice during that time.


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## radchad (Nov 25, 2010)

Thanks Juan!

I hope most of your comments come to be truth, because they certainly made me feel a little better reading them!

I sent her the email yesterday telling her I will be removing myself from this 'relationship' as far as humanly possible.

She hasn't replied back, which is fine.
I can tell you right now that she LOVES having control of the situation, and the control of me. Now that I have officially removed myself from her life, and therefore removed her opportunities for control, I am sure it is driving her nuts!

Not that lashing out at her is even my goal anymore, I need to wash my hands of all that negativity and move forward with my own happy and well balanced life, as difficult as that will be in the beginning.

I didn't even bother throwing in any negative, but truthful jabs at her in the email. I even told her that part of me still loves her, and also part of me hates her, and that the only way for these feelings to fade is time and distance. 

Removing her influence is just a genuine survival tactic, and even though I miss her, I know I made the only decision that could lead to me piecing my life back together.

I have a date this Saturday, which I am honestly a bit nervous about! It is funny, 2 months ago, before all this, I was actually quite confident with the ladies! But I think after going what I have went through, just about any man would question his 'mojo' with the fairer sex! I am sure I will get it all back after a couple of dates and the sweet realization that there are other women out there that would indeed find me interesting and attractive, even if my wife of 10 years does not!

I will keep everyone posted of my progress on both fronts, this site has really been a great support through the worst 2 months of my life.

I only hope I can return the favour to others on this site once I am better.

Thanks everyone!

Chad


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## radchad (Nov 25, 2010)

That is a big question I have right now.

Do I file for divorce first?

Pros:
-I establish some control and show that I am moving on without her
-I feel like I have more control over my destiny

Cons:
-in every step of this process, I have always wanted to live my life knowing I did everything to save this family for my children. If I am the one to file for divorce, then that means I am the one that nailed that final nail in the coffin of this family. 
I feel like after I have done SO much to save this family, it might be a waste to be the one that finally finishes it in the end.

What does everyone think? I would still go to therapy with my wife, but I am 99% sure she is never going to do that.
She has treated me like a piece of human garbage throughout this entire process, and has controlled everything.

Should I file for divorce first to take control?
Or let her, so then I can face my kids knowing I never took any initiative to finish this family.

Thanks for the advice!

Chad


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I have no comment regarding whether you should file. 

I do believe you might want to continue to work on how you interact with her. Telling her you still love/hate her and that is why you want to limit communication was a bad idea. 

Stop justifying your behavior to her. Stop talking about how you feel. Just calmly and firmly "do". She is already sleeping with another man. Continuing to tell her how you feel just decreases her respect for you. Which "decreases" the already small chance of any future reconciliation. 

Stick with the "LC" limited communication that you have started and be firm. If she uses an inappropriate tone of voice with you - just calmly say - watch your tone or I will end this call. And then if need be do it. 

One other thing I have seen people do is let all calls from their ex go to voicemail. If the ex-chooses not to leave a vm - the person sends them a short text - "not able to speak now, is this urgent? if so text me and I will try to help". In a sense this takes away most of her control of the situation. 

Have you at least spoken to a divorce lawyer? You need to do that to at least nail down your "current" financial situation. 




radchad said:


> That is a big question I have right now.
> 
> Do I file for divorce first?
> 
> ...


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## radchad (Nov 25, 2010)

Well, minimizing ALL contact with the ex was DEFINITELY the right move. It has only been a short time since I have done this, but I have seen a considerable improvement in my life and in my mood.

There was no way for me to move on with her being mean to me everyday, and now I find I will go through long stretches of my day without even thinking about her...it is SO much better!

I went on my first first date last Saturday, and it went really well, we are going out again this weekend. I know I shouldn't rush into anything, and I am trying not to, but after what I have been through, it is just nice to spend time with a grown up woman who shows interest in me.

That, and she has a Masters Degree in Social Work, and you can imagine how attractive I find that after what I have been through! ;-D

I can say that I am truly AMAZED how well I am doing only 2.5 months after my wife kicked me out of her life. I know I am not out of the woods yet, and I am sure I will have some fallbacks, but I never thought I would be this well this soon.
Hopefully this keeps up!


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## jmfabulous (Jan 19, 2011)

Chad, 

Seems like things are going well for you...time and space, that is what I'm practicing as well.

I second the previous poster who said to speak with a divorce attorney. My attorney said that she prefers being the one to file, because they get to tell their case, then finish up...the defendent can only "defend" what is presented. However, other atty's may like being the defendent.

Good luck, and keep us posted


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## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

NRG said:


> No real therapist would suggest that that I can think of. Most would say to work on it, especially on the first visit. Something doesn't smell right.


I had a therapist tell me "enough is enough and it's time for a divorce" when she only heard me talk for like 30 minutes. Seriously?!?! That's your advice? A good counselor is very difficult to come by!

Unfortunatly, I'm afraid real therapists give out bad advice all the time.


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## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

Glad you're doing better!!!!!


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