# In the presence of an ex lover



## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

What are your thoughts? When out with your spouse and an ex lover shows up....do you let your spouse know? Do you let them know at some point discreetly that the person they just met was a former lover? 
I ask because it has been an issue in our marriage. It is one my wife just cannot seem to understand....or maybe it is me. However, several times I have been introduced to men that she described as an old friend. They laughed and talked and shared old memories. Later....sometimes years later I learned that the person was actually an ex that she had had sex with.
Would that bother anyone else?


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## This is my BOOMSTICK! (Aug 16, 2012)

I think you should be told about it right away, after the meeting, but it's not a big deal. The only time it would bother me is if it's someone she's spoken of often or has fond memories off and if I was concerned she'd want to rekindle those memories. But that's really a whole other issue on itself and deals with trust problems you two may have.

She should tell you as soon as possible and you should be willing to drop it after that. She can't help it if the two of you bump into someone randomly on the street.


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

Well, I would not know if it is someone she has fond memories of. She has kept me in the dark regarding her past. I just wondered if other people would want to know if they were in a public situation with their spouse making small talk with someone that was a former lover of their husband/wife? thanks


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

If I ran into an old lover, I would probably say something like "I ran into an old lover today at the blahblahblah, isn't that fascinating?" 

If it happened while we were out together I would say "That's an old lover, isn't that fascinating?"

But in reality, I probably couldn't pick out many of my old lovers anymore, it's been a long time.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

First....I think its hard to bring up, who want to hurt their current love with a previous one.

Second....something should be implied about their history and expressed in a neutral way.









_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

Yes, but if you stood and talked to someone for 15 or 20 minutes....your spouse and them laughing and catching up....and then you find out a long time later that this was an ex lover......would that matter to you?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

If it's a chance meeting, I don't think it needs to be brought up.

Let's say you (the guy) have had 15 lovers in the past. You're still in the same neighborhood, see the same friends. Every month or so you run into one with your wife and you say "Oh, she used to be my lover." How do you think your wife ends up feeling?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Yes, that would bother me. My policy is to do the introductions, go along our way, and quietly tell my H that we used to be involved/date/whatever. I can then answer H's questions, if there are any.

This happens very, very infrequently, however...


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

youkiddingme said:


> Yes, but if you stood and talked to someone for 15 or 20 minutes....your spouse and them laughing and catching up....and then you find out a long time later that this was an ex lover......would that matter to you?


Honestly, best case scenario for me, if they were going to stand on the street catching up, would be to introduce and add in "we used to go out / date".


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

It would bother me. As a general rule you will never find me laughing, talking and sharing old memories with someone I've slept with or dated out of respect for my husband. If I happened to run into someone I've slept with I would be BRIEFLY polite then I'd make my exit.

I'd have no need to disclose details to my husband because I'd be LEAVING. I would not hurt my husband in this way.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

If I found out a long time later - not really. If she'd/both of you had been having interactions with this person for a long time and you only found out now - yes. Or if she kept contact with him since then, yes. But if you asking about a one time encounter months or years ago, then no, not really. 

Why does it bother you?


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

It bothers me because we talked to the guy for 15 or 20 minutes....went so far as discussed maybe getting together with he and his family in the future....and I was told it was just an old friend. He and my wife knew that they were infact ex lovers....other people around knew it....but I didn't. I just feel like I was intentionally treated like a jerk.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

youkiddingme said:


> What are your thoughts? When out with your spouse and an ex lover shows up....do you let your spouse know? Do you let them know at some point discreetly that the person they just met was a former lover?
> I ask because it has been an issue in our marriage. It is one my wife just cannot seem to understand....or maybe it is me. However, several times I have been introduced to men that she described as an old friend. They laughed and talked and shared old memories. Later....sometimes years later I learned that the person was actually an ex that she had had sex with.
> Would that bother anyone else?


Yes and no. This is part of me wanting to know what relationships my wife had had BEFORE we married. I suppose if she had a large number of partners she could not list them all ... LOL. But that is another thread.

I think the most important thing is that she would have zero contact with any ex lovers. Period. Runnig in to them is one thing and saying ... hi ... in public and then moving on is ok / unavoidable. But no chatting and catching up.

So I am thinking that you guys needs to agree on some boundaries.

But yeah she have told you in my view, if not before then certainly afterwards.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

youkiddingme said:


> Well, I would not know if it is someone she has fond memories of. She has kept me in the dark regarding her past. I just wondered if other people would want to know if they were in a public situation with their spouse making small talk with someone that was a former lover of their husband/wife? thanks


I would not like what you describe. But I would not have married a woman who kept her past a secret either ... but that is just me.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

Ok, that makes more sense. Everyone else knew but you. Yes, that would bother me. How long ago was this? And had you ever had a discussion with her about boundaries (e.g. - no interaction with former lovers)? If you hadn't discussed the boundaries, NOW is the time. But I'm not sure I would make it an issue, just "this how it should be from now on".


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

youkiddingme said:


> It bothers me because we talked to the guy for 15 or 20 minutes....went so far as discussed maybe getting together with he and his family in the future....and I was told it was just an old friend. He and my wife knew that they were infact ex lovers....other people around knew it....but I didn't. I just feel like I was intentionally treated like a jerk.


I think it's an overreaction on your part. You can have a polite conversation about getting together but that's as far as it goes. But if it was real plans, your wife should have told you.


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## This is my BOOMSTICK! (Aug 16, 2012)

youkiddingme said:


> Yes, but if you stood and talked to someone for 15 or 20 minutes....your spouse and them laughing and catching up....and then you find out a long time later that this was an ex lover......would that matter to you?


If you're wife stood there talking to someone in front of you for 15-20 minuts, why wouldn't you ask 'umm, who is this?' I'd also point out to my wife that basic manners 101 is to not talk to someoen for that long without introducing me to them. That applies to everyone, not just spouses. I suspect she purposely didn't tell you so as to not let you know who it was.



Chris Taylor said:


> If it's a chance meeting, I don't think it needs to be brought up.
> 
> Let's say you (the guy) have had 15 lovers in the past. You're still in the same neighborhood, see the same friends. Every month or so you run into one with your wife and you say "Oh, she used to be my lover." How do you think your wife ends up feeling?


She might not like it, but I can guarantee she'd like it a lot less if she found out down the road that this person was an ex-lover and you didn't tell her when you had the chance to. It makes it look like you have something to hide.

I am a somewhat jealous and somewhat moreso insecure person. That said, if my fiancee runs into an ex, I don't tell her she can't talk to him. I understand that not everyone breaks up on bad terms and that you can be friends afterwards.She's had ex lovers on her facebook and communicated back and forth with them. She's been very forthcoming on that and I trust her. She's even let me read what was said between them and told me who they were. If she's open and upfront about things right away, I'm willing to trust her.

If she burns that trust once, she knows there will be consequences though.


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

She probably thinks you would be jealous and didn't want to tell you so you wouldn't overreact. I suppose as long as she didn't keep him as a long-term friend it wouldn't be a problem. However, if she kept in contact, went out to lunch, etc., then I would have an issue.

In addition, maybe she doesn't want you to know how many partners she's had in her life.


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

Boom stick.... she did introduce us. She said this is______ we ran were friends in high school. Then we all carried on a 15 or 20 minute conversation. She told me they had just been friends....not that they had been lovers. 
Yes, the problem is that she was hiding something. It had happened in the past And i told her that if we were ever in the presence of an ex lover i wanted to be made aware of it. She says she cannot remember the conversation.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

If the two of you are regularly running into her ex-lovers, I would have to think at some point the 2 of you need to sit down and have the "how many and who" discussion. In most cases, the past should remain in the past; however, the fact that you are running into more than one of her former lovers should be making you very uncomfortable. It's even worse if these situations happen where everyone around you knows except for you. To me, that's a slap to the face.

Even if this happened awhile ago, you need to tell her how you feel and that you are tired of running into her ex-lovers. Maybe the two of you need to start transitioning your circle of friends away from so many past conquests and towards a more neutral group who got to know the two of you when you were a couple. That's my suggestion, because it seems like you are doing more social gatherings with her group of friends while you are the regular outsider trying to fit in.


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

Thanks, it has only happened 3 times and there were many years in between them. I am really only trying to see whether or not other people would feel the way i do....like I was being disrespected by her introducing me to these guys like they were just old friends instead of actually being lovers. I just think I was treated like a Butt....she and they knew the relationship was more....and she lied to me in front of them.


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## This is my BOOMSTICK! (Aug 16, 2012)

youkiddingme said:


> Boom stick.... she did introduce us. She said this is______ we ran were friends in high school. Then we all carried on a 15 or 20 minute conversation. She told me they had just been friends....not that they had been lovers.
> Yes, the problem is that she was hiding something. It had happened in the past And i told her that if we were ever in the presence of an ex lover i wanted to be made aware of it. She says she cannot remember the conversation.


Then this could be a different situation.

I know that if I ran into an ex that my finacee didn't know about (There is none, so this is just a hypothetical) I wouldn't say 'This is Jamie, we used to be lovers'. It's just an awkward statement. 'We used to be friends' is a much better statement to make at the time.

After we had parted ways though, I would have told my fiancee that in fact we used to date and used to be lovers and that if she had any issue with that, I'd understand and be willing to break off any lunch plans or whatever i she felt uncomfortable.

That said, she may have meant to tell you afterwards and simply forgot. This could easily happen if she didn't have any intentions of actually meeting him again and he didn't matter to her at all. Did she appear eager to get out of there, or like she was talking to soemoen she'd rather get away from? She may have just been polite in acception his offer of lunch.

That said, it obviously makes you uncomfortable, so be sure to explain to her that if a situation like this comes again, tell her that you want to know s soon as is reasonably possible (IE, immediately afterwards) that this guy isn't just a 'friend.' She should do this anyways, as it's a show of full disclosure,w hich a good marriage should have.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think you should be told immediately otherwise it is a humiliating secret the two of the share over you.

Your wife's loyalty should always be to you first.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

youkiddingme - I get what you are saying, but what do you expect her to say - "hey, this is John, we used to f%$#" or "we were lovers". In social, and particularly very public settings, she just may not be comfortable saying anything. But I DEFINITELY think she should be telling you immediately after.

Then again, your profile indicates you've been in a relationship 20 years. I just went to my 35th high school reunion and took my W. I didn't point out who I slept with - at that point I don't think it's important. So if this was someone she was with 20 years ago, I think you're making more of it than you should. Or there is more you are not telling us.


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

RJ....I know it would be inappropriate to introduce him in that way. Yet, I do think integrity would demand it be cleared up when he walked away.
And there is more to the story....she hid most everything from her past, lied about all of it....and just locked me out. It created all kinds of issues in our marriage. The past is NOT just all in the past. The past created all kinds of issues for HER....issues I could not understand or make sense of. She carried the baggage of it all...i did not know the source but I knew things were screwed up.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

My opinion is you should be told. Perhaps not graphically but she could introduce him as someone she used to 'date'. After the fact if you wanted more details she should be forthcoming. It would be awkward for you to find out in his presence from someone other than her and I would expect her to try to avoid putting you through that. 

As an aside, I remember when I was dating my now ex and running into one of her old lovers and his girfriend. I knew about it and I remember thinking he's sitting there having had sex with both women here and my ex had had sex with both us guys...I thought maybe I should have sex with his girlfriend to even things out.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

If your wife is stuck in the past, then past lovers may be a problem. However, if my wife and I ran into someone that she used to date, and we talked briefly without her telling me her sexual history, and she didn't talk to him afterward, I wouldn't be angry.

If she were having regular contact with anyone she used to date, then I would have a problem with that.


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## jlock111 (Jun 26, 2012)

Yes that would really piss me off, my wife and I ran into her ex twice in the last 2 months fyi I HATE this guy I really do. I became very angry at just the sight of him. I wanted to break his face but I kept my composure and just went inside the store. But I am aware of the past they had not knowing at all and then finding out later would send me into a tail spin.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

If we are conversing with the person I will let my wife know she's an ex.

If we just meet an ex in passing I don't say anything
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

youkiddingme said:


> It bothers me because we talked to the guy for 15 or 20 minutes....went so far as discussed maybe getting together with he and his family in the future....and I was told it was just an old friend. He and my wife knew that they were infact ex lovers....other people around knew it....but I didn't. I just feel like I was intentionally treated like a jerk.


My husband used to talk about his female friend at great lengths. Used to say how great she was, how much I reminded him of her, blah blah blah. He even went so far as to suggest that if we ever were to visit her part of the country, we could stay at her place, etc...I never did meet her, but I did find out that they'd been more than just friends. Well, I just about hit the roof! I came about a half an inch away from dumping him over that (we had just moved in but weren't engaged at that point). It affected our relationship so negatively that I sometimes wish I had ended things then...


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

Ok, so it is obvious that most of you want to know if this should happen....and you feel strongly about it. Can you put into words why it would matter? How does it make you feel....what does it make you feel....what goes on in your head when it occurs? I am asking because my wife just has a hard time getting it.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I was mad because I viewed it as a deception. He didn't think he'd lied, because he never really DID actually lie, he just left out details. Which is lying by omission. WHICH IS LYING! 

I was also jealous; in my case, I was compared to her, so I felt that she must be some kind of threat; it got especially worse after I'd found out about their FWB arrangement. I went into a tailspin; thought she must have been some kind of knockout! Well, I looked her up of FB and she was a total DOG. Not that it should matter, but it made me even angrier at him...

Now I hate her because she came fishing for my husband after we were already married. She misses him! Well chuck you, Farlie! She's literally been the proverbial thorn in my side from day one!


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

youkiddingme said:


> Thanks, it has only happened 3 times and there were many years in between them. I am really only trying to see whether or not other people would feel the way i do....like I was being disrespected by her introducing me to these guys like they were just old friends instead of actually being lovers. I just think I was treated like a Butt....she and they knew the relationship was more....and she lied to me in front of them.



Yes, she should had told you. Especially since it's common knowledge.


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## jlock111 (Jun 26, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> I was mad because I viewed it as a deception. He didn't think he'd lied, because he never really DID actually lie, he just left out details. Which is lying by omission. WHICH IS LYING!
> 
> I was also jealous; in my case, I was compared to her, so I felt that she must be some kind of threat; it got especially worse after I'd found out about their FWB arrangement. I went into a tailspin; thought she must have been some kind of knockout! Well, I looked her up of FB and she was a total DOG. Not that it should matter, but it made me even angrier at him...
> 
> Now I hate her because she came fishing for my husband after we were already married. She misses him! Well chuck you, Farlie! She's literally been the proverbial thorn in my side from day one!


I feel you on this one, my wife went back to said ex right after we got married almost had sex is the story or she was forced blah blah blah the thing is I didn't find out until last christmas so 2 years later I find out and I am still dealing with it. I always said anyone who cheats on me I would be done with but this was different for me because this is my first marriage and I want it to work.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

youkiddingme said:


> Ok, so it is obvious that most of you want to know if this should happen....and you feel strongly about it. Can you put into words why it would matter? How does it make you feel....what does it make you feel....what goes on in your head when it occurs? I am asking because my wife just has a hard time getting it.


It's about honesty. It's about transparency. It's about knowing the person you spent 20 years of your life. It's about facing reality. It's about having confident knowledge of each other and moving forward together.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Sounds like your wife needs clearer boundaries; almost having sex with someone is pushing it way past the line, IMO. If my H had told me that, we'd be done.


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## jlock111 (Jun 26, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> Sounds like your wife needs clearer boundaries; almost having sex with someone is pushing it way past the line, IMO. If my H had told me that, we'd be done.


yeah it's a long story I haven't posted, all I have talked about is my anger but it gets the best of me some days and hurts our sex life. I believe she let it go but I haven't and I don't know when I will. Let me give an example we were at a restaurant a couple months ago with family and lo and behold who walks in? you guessed it I became very agitated and just wanted to leave it ruined my meal and pretty much the rest of my night. My wife was trying to get me to be in a better mood but nothing she could have said would have made it better. I guess I wanted her to be as pissed off about it as I was. So her demeanor made it worse she didn't even give him eye contact but these little instances haunt me to this day.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Well, without the whole sordid story, I can't really piece together what went on at the resto. But it sounds to me like an affair? If that's the case, she should be bending over backward for you. And that would have meant instantly leaving the restaurant.


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## jlock111 (Jun 26, 2012)

I just posted it on the infidelity board if you want to read the whole story or most of it anyway.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

youkiddingme said:


> Ok, so it is obvious that most of you want to know if this should happen....and you feel strongly about it. Can you put into words why it would matter? How does it make you feel....what does it make you feel....what goes on in your head when it occurs? I am asking because my wife just has a hard time getting it.


I don't think it should affect your relationship. I think you should know in case you find out from someone other than your partner. It would be extremely awkward if you were chatting with a guy at a party or coffee shop or whatever and a comment comes out that establishes he was with your wife before you were a couple. If would be nice to have a heads up so you don't inadvertantly lead the discussion in certain directions and/or aren't blindsided unexpectedly.


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## Mad as hell (Aug 23, 2012)

You should never allow opposite sex friends when married, I believe that you should be her friend and no lovey dovey old stories, thats bull ****. she must respect you as much as you respect her.

It used to happen with my husband and I told him I dont want him to have female friends and it stopped.

Gudluck.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> I think you should be told immediately otherwise it is a humiliating secret the two of the share over you.
> 
> Your wife's loyalty should always be to you first.


:iagree:

This. even if it is not intended, it could be viewed as a "humiliating secret." So why take that risk. After the meeting, quietly tell your spouse that you and that person used to date and were lovers. 

Perhaps even better is to ask your spouse ahead of time what they prefer.


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## Dewy (Aug 29, 2012)

youkiddingme said:


> What are your thoughts? When out with your spouse and an ex lover shows up....do you let your spouse know? Do you let them know at some point discreetly that the person they just met was a former lover?
> I ask because it has been an issue in our marriage. It is one my wife just cannot seem to understand....or maybe it is me. However, several times I have been introduced to men that she described as an old friend. They laughed and talked and shared old memories. Later....sometimes years later I learned that the person was actually an ex that she had had sex with.
> Would that bother anyone else?


to no end


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

youkiddingme said:


> Later....sometimes years later I learned that the person was actually an ex that she had had sex with.
> Would that bother anyone else?


It would bother anyone.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lifeisnotsogood said:


> I suppose as long as she didn't keep him as a long-term friend it wouldn't be a problem. However, if she kept in contact, went out to lunch, etc., then I would have an issue.





PHTlump said:


> If she were having regular contact with anyone she used to date, then I would have a problem with that.


:iagree: with both points here. Still it would still bother me if talking to someone w/ my partner present and they didn't tell me they had a past. 

If they kept in touch regularly w/ said person and went out to lunch, that would annoy the ever living frick out of anyone, I think.


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