# Exposure?



## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

I'm pretty new to these forums. I've noticed that ALL of the ones I've read say that exposure is essential. I'm a BS who made the mistake of NOT seeking advise before the dust had finally settled & I know I made a lot of mistakes & I'm now so far in that 'rug sweeping' best describes where we are. Not good!! :crying:

Growing-up I remember my Mum saying that you should NEVER air your dirty laundry in public. She specifically said that marital issues shouldn't be shared with family because you know your H best. You can grow & forgive but family that loves you & instinctively protect you will NEVER forgive your H. You might learn to forgive & forget but your loved ones never will.

Despite being brutally hurt & betrayed on a couple of occasions I have suffered in silence. Broken by the isolation & unmanageable agony of my situation. 

I completely understand the logic of exposing to the OW or OM's partner. Mostly because they deserve to know the reality of their life but the advise is given so the affair partner will be so busy protecting the home front thy will pull away from the A. 

However, in my family, I've grown with the story of my aunt & uncles divorce. The story goes..she would of NEVER ended-up with her AP if his wife hadn't found out & thrown him out!! Their marriage could of been saved if the AP wasn't suddenly single.

I know statistically exposure must make sense for everyone to advise it but what if you know you're going to R? I know my H confided in his 'best man' who has been a dear friend (to BOTH of us) for 25 years. My H's embarrassment has probably killed that important relationship. He was NOT supportive of my H's affair. In the 'fog' my H somehow convinced himself that he would be! Duh!!

My desperation got me close to exposing/confiding in my parents & my H's sisters. I'm now glad I didn't. I know I will forever hold the blame for his depression without them knowing the truth but isn't it better for my H to be seen as a 'good person' rather than the man who cheated on his sick wife & little children?

The way one is perceived by loved ones is so important. Is exposure always the correct thing to do or is that advise tainted by revenge & 'fairness' for the BS? I know that on really dark days I want everyone to know. I resent the way I've been portrayed by my H. Ugh! I just don't know. As you can probably tell I'm still broken & confused (to say the least) I don't trust my own judgement. I think a discussion could help me.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Broken Lady,

I'm sorry for the situation you are in and how you are feeling. Perhaps you feel the way you do because of the rug sweeping. Your husband got away with the infidelity without any real repercussions.

I don't believe in rug sweeping and I do believe in exposure as both a way to end an affair and a form of retribution (for lack of a better word) through shame. People in the family need to know the real person they are dealing with, not a false facade of you husband projected by you and him. For years I thought my father was a great guy and Saint when actually he was a pig that helped destroy my mother. Shame I had to find out after they were both gone. Airing dirty laundry makes them smell better in the long run.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here and you are not "broken" like you named yourself here.

I "run" into your posts in some other threads and they are verry good. You have a lot of understanding for others.

Exposure,should you expose the affair? Of course you should and it is not about revenge like you said. You are affraid what your and his family-friends will tell you about it,maybe even shameful.
Dont think about it,think about yourself and your kids and how would it be easier to have someone to talk about his affair. If one of them is angry with you about your exposure then you would know that he/she is not your family or friend.

Also think about your kids.They should know,maybe not now because they are too young,but in years they will ask you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The truth fixes a lot of issues.

When is the truth not important?????


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

I think it's more important to be authentic and honest even when it hurts (maybe especially when it hurts!) than to be well-liked. That is where real personal growth comes from - when we are forced to confront the ugliest aspects of ourselves.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I read on many forums that if you want to divorce, expose, if you want to reconcile don't expose. While I believed exposure was best for either reconciliation or divorce, I found out personally I was wrong. It's no secret I coped poorly with my wife's affair. I became suicidal and even attempted it. I exposed to the OM's wife, that was not a mistake, but I didn't feel good about killing a marriage. 

I did go to talk to my sister, and the night I told her my wife cheated, my sister shared that she was having an affair for FOURTEEN years. Imagine how I felt, my wife has an ally, my own sister will side with my wife, and so on. What really topped that night, my sister was mad at my wife!! What I finally told my sister is that I chose to reconcile, and I expected her to support MY decision. I didn't speak with her too much for quite a while after that night. My sister cheated, for fourteen years, how do I just talk to her? 

We talk now but not like before, but things were tense between my sister and wife. It's gotten better between them but my sisters reaction is why I didn't expose to anyone else. If you choose to reconcile I can only tell you to think hard before exposing. I now only advise to expose beyond the OW/OM spouse if you choose divorce. Hope this helps you. Best wishes to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Horses for courses.

Some cases need exposure whilst others do not.

Your case might benefit from exposure in order to regain some balance to your situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

It is very clear to me that you are carrying the burden for his 'sins', there were no consequences for HIS actions, he gets the benefits of appearing to still be a 'good man' while you are still the broken one. Something very wrong with this picture, you should have exposed, can you honestly say that your marriage will ever be the same again, even with R?


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

Over the years my husband has chopped and changed the name of the person who cheated with. He said he has done this so I wouldn't go looking for her to compare us etc. Obviously this is exactly what I would do. If I had a picture of her or knew where she was I would expose him and the skank.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

We are currently living in the USA but we come from England. All of our family & friends are still at home. This makes my situation a bit different. I can't sit down face to face with people. We don't have to socialize with family regularly like most. My parents visit every Christmas. It would be so awkward for my H spending a month with them if there were bad feelings. 

It's already effected my relationship with them. When I can't talk about the one thing that's occupying my every waking moment it's hard. I used to spend at LEAST an hour every week on the phone to my Mum but I find myself avoiding her calls now. I'm terrified that I'm going to burst into tears...

My H's family aren't very good at keeping in touch. This makes him sad & unhappy with them. When he spoke to his Dad about his 'depression' the news travelled fast & his sisters were phoning & writing very concerned about BOTH of us. They now have the impression that I'm a bedridden invalid who needs a constant care taker!!! I have spine degeneration but I've pushed through & continued life as normal. My H works very long hours. How could I be bedridden & raise 2 little kids?? 

Its going to be so strange next time they see me & I walk in with the kids! They're talking about wheelchair access & lending him money for a nurse!!! I give advise in support groups about managing pain & staying active & vibrant with chronic pain!! I'm FAR from being a cripple. I've worked bloody hard NOT to be a cripple. I take pride in it!!

Usually my H initiates contact with his family. It would be easy to avoid them through embarrassment. My H doesn't handle being wrong or embarrassed very well. I believe they would be horrified if they ever knew some of the things he's done to me. It's like another person inhabits his body when he's having an A. He's Mr Alien!! 

I confess I am building resentment. I'm proud & I HATE the idea of being viewed this way....less of a wife AND Less of a MOTHER!! He sent Mothers Day flowers to the OW & a card saying "To the BEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD! Love Xxx". That's how I discovered the A. I've got a chip on my shoulder because I've battled chronic pain 24/7 to be the very best mother I can be & I suffer incredible guilt over the few times I've missed events because of my health. 

This all started last autumn after emergency surgery where I nearly died. I understand the extreme stress my H was under. He also lost his job & had to find a new one. The OW (Ex A partner) had been reaching out to him every year. This was the first time (apparently ???) that he responded. 

My brother (only sibling) took his own life after being betrayed by his wife. My parents will never be the same. I suffer incredible guilt that I'm not there for them. I just don't think they can take much more pain. They love my H like a son. Believing I am loved & 'safe' gives them much deserved peace....even though it's not true.

We've now decided to permanently move back to the UK next summer. I'm too vulnerable here. He could leave us destitute any moment he chooses. I can't get benefits or disability in the USA. I don't have a support system. I'm very isolated. This is a consequence for my H. He would rather stay in the USA. 

Every choice I've made in my adult life has been for 'US', not ME. I thought of us as FAMILY, forever, permanent. I never viewed leaving England, my friends & family, career etc as a sacrifice. It was to better my H which bettered US. My whole reality has changed.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Ohh your situation is even worse then I thought,sorry . I hope your health is going to improve for your sake and your kids.

It is your decision to expose his affair,but I would definitely talk to my dad or mother if I was in your spot. Just talking with them will make your pain go away,well a little bit. Knowing someone is there for you to open your heart and listen to you is a great deal.

Best wishes for you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

BrokenLady said:


> We are currently living in the USA but we come from England. All of our family & friends are still at home. This makes my situation a bit different. I can't sit down face to face with people. We don't have to socialize with family regularly like most. My parents visit every Christmas. It would be so awkward for my H spending a month with them if there were bad feelings.
> 
> It's already effected my relationship with them. When I can't talk about the one thing that's occupying my every waking moment it's hard. I used to spend at LEAST an hour every week on the phone to my Mum but I find myself avoiding her calls now. I'm terrified that I'm going to burst into tears...
> 
> ...


Going back to the UK is a good move as you will have your family and the much needed support for your health. Is your WH till in the A or has that stopped? Going back to the UK will put a stop to it I presume anyway but you need IC to get over the pain and hurt and I think you have no choice but to tell your family when you are back. This 'lie' will continue to eat you alive. Your WH needs to face the consequences of what he has done. If both of you do not do something about it now, you will end up 10 years later with a lot of resentment and it is highly likely your marriage will end due to the resentment. Do not rug sweep this.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

My H first had an EA with her when they worked together about 12 years ago (in USA) & it was horrific! I doubted his sanity & he treated me TOTALLY uncharacteristically. After it ended we just moved on as if it had never happened. So much LIFE happened in those years. My H was wonderful. He was HIM. There were HUGE life altering events. We grew-up. We became a true FAMILY. His mother & my brother died. We had 2 beautiful children.

I truly forgave & forgot...it would very, very occasionally cross my mind...like when my friend divorced but my H knew that that would be a trigger for me & beautifully surprised me by appologising for what he put me through those years before. 

I was so completely & utterly blindsided. It still feels so surreal that I've lived through the last year of my life from the surgery onwards. I feel like I'm in shock, everything's kind of numb with these terrible panic attacks. Anything can send my mind spiraling out & I cry everyday. Do others feel like this? I read how to do it "By the book'. Is it easier if it happens like that? Even when you know you're going to R?

He hasn't had any contact with her. I truly believe its all over. He says it was a fantasy & he hardly recognizes the person he was. It was so dragged out from new years day. For the longest time I thought it was all my fault that he was so angry & depressed, contempt for me.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Ok, I am the only one not understanding. 

He had an EA 12 years ago that ended. Then, everything was fine and you two grew stronger after this experience. Your husband is now the "model" husband. However, due resent events, you are now internalizing what has happened 12 years ago. And now you are feeling the impact of his actions? And you are wondering if you should expose him to family/friends?


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

Quote - "He had an EA 12 years ago that ended. Then, everything was fine and you two grew stronger after this experience. Your husband is now the "model" husband. However, due resent events, you are now internalizing what has happened 12 years ago. And now you are feeling the impact of his actions? And you are wondering if you should expose him to family/friends?"

Sorry for the confusion. It finished 12 years ago & started up again when she contacted him last November. I knew something was very wrong but only discovered he was having an EA with her mothers day. She now lives in a different state. They used to work together & see eachother everyday (12 years ago) I know this has been 'just' an EA but with HER.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

Quote post 10. "This all started last autumn after emergency surgery where I nearly died. I understand the extreme stress my H was under. He also lost his job & had to find a new one. The OW (Ex A partner) had been reaching out to him every year. This was the first time (apparently ???) that he responded."

Sorry for the confusion.

I was posting on LoveShack.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Since, he seems to get sucked into a relationship with the same woman, I would out him to close family. But only to people who are likely to have any influence over him. People he has high regards for. this way they can speak to him and get him to understand how his actions are affecting his marriage.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

Thank you. We've been in R for nearly 2 months now, sort of, because of denials & trickle truth it was hard to know what was going on. (The s**t was hitting fan in August) I was asking questions to see what other people had done in their lives. I'm in a horrible place with all of this & my health issues. It's so tempting to just 'let it go'. I feel like I should be 'getting over it' but....

Once you expose doesn't it change those relationships forever? I understand if the one cheating refuses to stop but once it's all over (I'm confident that it's completely over) is it best to let sleeping dogs lie? For the sake of R? For the sake of future normalcy?


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Your husband should be the one telling your parents about his affair. He should be doing everything within his power to make amends to you & your kids. What is he doing exactly other than supposedly ending the affair to regain your trust?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

I have his pass codes for all electronics. He's a proffesional computer geek so I know that's still a matter of trust. He deleted everything & blocked her from all our emails. Don't really use social media other than posting photographs of the kids for family. 

His character changes so much I don't think it's possible for him to act 'normal' while betraying me. I believe that he now sees it as an unreal fantasy. 

This is one of my 'problems'. How can someone prove that they are trustworthy & will NEVER do something like this again? Other than what they say & what they show you how can they prove anything? I don't know.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

BrokenLady said:


> Thank you. We've been in R for nearly 2 months now, sort of, because of denials & trickle truth it was hard to know what was going on. (The s**t was hitting fan in August) I was asking questions to see what other people had done in their lives. I'm in a horrible place with all of this & my health issues. It's so tempting to just 'let it go'. I feel like I should be 'getting over it' but....
> 
> Once you expose doesn't it change those relationships forever? I understand if the one cheating refuses to stop but once it's all over (I'm confident that it's completely over) is it best to let sleeping dogs lie? For the sake of R? For the sake of future normalcy?


Of course it changes how people will see him. Does that worry you? Is his image more important? 

Now a days, I see my BIL as an assho!e, who cheated, lied and damage his kids. But, he and my SIL are working thru it. He is ashamed at how he behaves, his eyes have been open to the OW. He cant believe be put his wife thru that sh!t. I think we did him a great service by talking to him and pointing out how harmful his actions are. For some reason he could not understand that his EA was hurting his wife and kids. I offered to beat the crap out of him for my SIL, I almost did. He was so blinded to his actions. So we had to have to rough talks and let him know I have no respect for him. My h told his b to be the kind of man his father would have wanted him to be. Maybe we guilt him into opening his eyes but it was done. 

In the over all sense, how we feel about him now, is not important. What is important is he is with his wife and kids. He is no longer in an EA. There is hope.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I hear what you are saying BrokenLady, and I understand.

When my wife's affairs came to light, I initially wanted to keep it a secret as well because I was A. concerned that blowing up OM's marriage would make him more likely to aggressively pursue my wife freely, B. concerned that the family/friend reactions to it would drive her away from the marriage (feeling that she had no more support to do the right thing, so maybe the wrong thing would be easier) and B. concerned that if we did ever have a chance at R, that doing so would be FAR more difficult... I did keep it a secret for a while, only telling one or two close friends, and I ESPECIALLY didn't want MY family to find out. As you mentioned, the people who are most likely to look out for your best interests will be the people who find it hardest to get over what your spouse did to you. I did not inform the OM's wife either, even though I knew OM had cheated on her at least a few times before. Ultimately, her family found out when my wife and I separated (which she did in order to more freely pursue the OM), my family found out when one of my friends felt that I was struggling and needed the support of family and then told them, and OM's wife found out a couple weeks later when she too caught him in the affair and she contacted me not realizing that I already knew, though at that point I had thought it was over so she was informing me that it was still on.

Here's what I learned:

A. Being worried about the OM's family falling apart and him possibly feeling more free to pursue my wife was silly. I firmly believe that an affair will, 99% of the time, eventually destroy a marriage, at least when the BS actually cares about the marriage. So OM's marriage was probably doomed anyway, or his wife was going to continue on putting up with his endless cheating. Either result leaves him free to pursue my wife as much as he likes. Just as importantly, if my wife wants to pursue him (regardless of whether we're married or not), then I certainly don't want to be married to her anyway. Having an affair, then waking up, realizing your mistake and recommitting to the marriage is one thing, but recommitting to the marriage instead only because your preferred choice is unavailable, is something else entirely. No thanks.

B. My WW's family finding out certainly did push her away to some degree, but honestly that only happened because my wife was so far in that direction to begin with. They all reached out to her initially with love/support trying to get her to open up to them and figure out where she went wrong, and to help guide her back to a healthier decision. Only when she rejected them because of her intense desire to stick with the OM did their relationships sour. My case was a little different in that I was a really crappy husband at that time, so my wife did have some very legitimate concerns regarding our marriage, but even if that weren't the case, I'm convinced that exposing to the wayward spouse's family is a wise step. Eventually when the affair fog lifted, she was able to process things a little more objectively and knowing that so many people were opposed to her choices did help her realize that she'd made some mistakes.

C. As far as your own family finding out... that's where I might agree with you, sometimes. I think it's a matter of whether or not you need their support to go through what you are going through. If you need their support in some manner (emotional, financial, love, etc.) then you should tell them, but you can do so in a way that makes it clear to them what your desires are. For me, I didn't want them to find out, and I think I made the right choice because when we did eventually R, I think it would have been a lot easier/smoother had they not known. Instead we had a number of awkward holiday's together, and other little fights along the way. The way I did it when they eventually found out anyway was to make EXTREMELY clear to them that until I decided my marriage was over, that I was going to side with my wife on just about everything. I fully acknowledged that my wife's actions were wrong, but if she was making good/healthy choices, I would back her up. It was really hard on them. For instance, they never wanted to see her and wouldn't invite her along with me and our daughter to anything. Imagine your parents asking you and your kids to join you for lunch sometime, but your husband is specifically excluded? I would refuse to go. I refused any invite that wasn't for all of us together, and often even refused to attend other functions if I thought anyone there would make things awkward/uncomfortable. Eventually my family got over it (it took a couple years) and things are find now.

Sorry for the long post, but I've been where you are and had the same concerns, so I thought I would share in detail.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

BrokenLady said:


> How can someone prove that they are trustworthy & will NEVER do something like this again? Other than what they say & what they show you how can they prove anything? I don't know.


I don't think they can. Ultimately if they are doing all of the right things to prove themselves, opening up their whole lives to you, not demanding privacy or getting annoyed/upset by your requirements, etc, then you need to find a way to forgive him/her and move on. You do not have to forget however, so it's understandable to still keep an eye/hear open for red flags or other concerning signs.

Just make sure the expectations are clear, and that they will never expire. For instance, I would have rules in place that there can be no private conversations with any non-relative female (perhaps SOME reasonable exceptions related to his job if his work requires this), that ANY private/1-on-1 interaction with another female should be mentioned to you (most especially if it involves the OW, like if she ever reached out to him again), that no time should be spent alone with another woman (like no car rides, no lunches alone with a female co-worker, etc., at least not without advanced notice/permission), no digital communication accounts allowed that you aren't aware of and have access to (unfortunately you'd just have to trust him on this...), etc.

It sounds like a lot, but honestly it's super easy and not invasive at all. Truthfully I think all spouses should operate with these rules in place anyway. I don't want my wife to ever even have to worry or wonder if there is a chance I'm cheating on her, so I just have a policy that I won't go to lunch alone with other women, won't drive alone with them, won't meet anywhere alone with one, and I keep all my communications open to her if she wants to see anything. It's not a big deal. Usually lunches out involve more than one person anyway, car rides too, and why would I need to keep any of my communications private from her either?


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

BrokenLady said:


> Quote post 10. "This all started last autumn after emergency surgery where I nearly died. I understand the extreme stress my H was under. He also lost his job & had to find a new one. The OW (Ex A partner) had been reaching out to him every year. This was the first time (apparently ???) that he responded."
> 
> Sorry for the confusion.
> 
> I was posting on LoveShack.


This tells me a lot of your husband. When you needed him the most he turned his back to you and your kids. Mother of his kids was seriously ill and where was he !!! 

Also it is his second Affair with the same woman so you need to make a decision for yourself and your kids. If you keep "forgeting" about it he will do it again and again just because he can.

Dont belive him in no contact,because you said he is computer geek. Look over his mail and phone records. 

And one more thing,exposing someone is one step of ending his/her Affair.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

BrokenLady said:


> Thank you. We've been in R for nearly 2 months now, sort of, because of denials & trickle truth it was hard to know what was going on. (The s**t was hitting fan in August) I was asking questions to see what other people had done in their lives. I'm in a horrible place with all of this & my health issues. It's so tempting to just 'let it go'. I feel like I should be 'getting over it' but....
> 
> Once you expose doesn't it change those relationships forever? I understand if the one cheating refuses to stop but once it's all over (I'm confident that it's completely over) is it best to let sleeping dogs lie? For the sake of R? For the sake of future normalcy?


Broken Lady,

You suffered the indignity of his first A (EA you say) and rug swept it so he seemed to be the 'good man.' He was very fortunate to still have you and kids in his life and life went well thereafter. The mistake made was that there should have been no contact between them at all, a no contact letter should have been sent to her, all correspondence from her should have been shown to you and dealt with immediately. The A should have been exposed then, this would not have happened. In fact they were still in contact and probably still having an EA all along, it just went underground. 
Your H has proven to be a 'weak willed' man (I am being polite here) so what on earth made you think he wouldn't back slide again?

Now when you needed him the most he goes and does it again and you are making excuses for him and taking the blame, the guilt, the responsibility. It is not your fault that you were sick, it is not your fault that he chose to do this again, it is not your fault that instead of dealing with his stress the way an upright man would do, he chose to find comfort with someone else. He DOES NOT deserve any loyalty or excuses from you for his behaviour.

Time to 
1. blow this out of the water and tell your family and friends what he did in November and 12 years ago ( you do not have to apologise for him)
2. Tell him there must be a no contact policy right away, no more of this s*** if he still wants to be in the marriage, make him draft the letter to her in front of you. This woman has a nerve, interfering in someone else's marriage too. But your WH is the worst.
3. You have to be prepared to lose this man and marriage, (he is not much of a husband to you anyway doing this when you were near death, he is actually a POS tbh). Feeling under pressure blah blah blah is all an excuse, taking care of himself first, smacks of such selfishness
4. get yourself some IC to help you
5. Proceed with relocation whether he wants to or not, not your problem
6. get a divorce attorney in the UK (go online for preliminary advice) and see what your next course of action should be (do not tell him yet).
7. When you are back on home territory you will be in a stronger position with this.
8. Carefully consider what it is you want from your marriage, tell him and consider MC also. I
If at any point your WH is not prepared to play ball, then you have to proceed with D, this ought to wake him up. You have let him away with too much already and he has no respect for boundaries.
Stay strong, get lots of sleep, rest and good diet. Do not take this any longer, your WH needs to face his reality and you have to stop carrying this burden, you did nothing wrong, his sins are his, he had to own them.


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