# Sex issues



## Kilroy (Aug 17, 2009)

Hi folks, 
I'm new to the site here. Seems like a nice community, thought I'd give it a try since I'm in need of a place to vent about some marriage issues, and possibly get some advice as well.

I dated my wife for 6 years before we got married, but it was a long distance relationship. (Very long, like 5000+ miles, intercontinental)

I was a virgin when we met, she was not. We haven't talked about her sex life before me very much, mostly because she's not particularly comfortable talking about sex at all. (Her story is that she only ever slept with one other guy, a boy from her high school that she didn't even really know very well, just once so that she wouldn't be a virgin, because at the time she thought that no man would want to marry a virgin). Her feeling is that sex is great, but it shouldn't be talked about, because that ruins the intimacy. I've been able to have some conversations with her about it, but most of the time I have to pretty much just try to read her mind, which works about as often as it sounds (i.e. not very).

We started living together after 5 years of emails and phone calls and month-long summertime visits to each other's homes. During those all-too-brief visits, you can bet that I was pretty damn hot and heavy for her. Her attitude was accommodating at worst, and mildly enthusiastic at best, but nowhere near as into it as I was. We never really did it super frequently, and I was inexperienced, so I suppose I've never really had the kind of sex that people describe as 'mind blowing' or 'insatiable' 10-times-a-day type days. At the height of our activity, it was never really more often than once a day, and afterward there were always many assurances that we'll get better at it the more we practice. And honestly, we did.

After we started living together (we were both about 24 yrs old) her libido started increasing rapidly, while mine started to decline. At times this was frustrating for her, although it was probably more of a 'concern' than frustration, because she was worried about how married life would be if we already had such little sex while engaged. At this point we were down to about once a week.

We've been married for two years now, and I'd like to try to take care of this problem, if I can. 

Some details:

We're both young and healthy. She is very, very attractive, as much as she was when we met, or even more so. 

I am still very much a red-blooded male. I still look at porn occasionally, and I still have all kinds of lustful dreams and fantasies going on in my head, but when I'm at home with my wife... I don't know if I'm just tired, or maybe I feel too pressured to perform, but I tend to much rather finish my book or my video game or my tv show and then go to sleep. When we do make love, I tend to 'give' much more than I 'get' in terms of favors (or at least it seems that way to me), and if I don't, she gets disappointed.

Otherwise and overall, our married life is very, very happy. We hug and kiss each other all the time, we share quality time with each other, we go out on dates.. I pinch her butt every time I get the chance at home  but when she starts putting the moves on me, I find myself getting anxious, and nervous, and part of me starts thinking "ah crap, now I have to get undressed, work on her until she's satisfied and she thinks that I'm satisfied, then clean up and get dressed again".

She continues to occasionally get frustrated at my lack of interest, and she says that she's worried that I don't find her attractive any more. Which is definitely the OPPOSITE of the truth. Ironically, I was more attractive, and in better shape when she met me, so I can't really explain why she wants it so much more now than she did then.

If I had to guess I'd say that my problem is that I don't feel like she does enough in the sack. All she ever does is lie there and 'let me' kiss her and touch her, until she's ready for the main event, at which point I have to last long enough for her to finish, or else I fail. I've tried to gently suggest that maybe she try to get a little more creative, but she INSTANTLY gets defensive and starts crying that I'm trying to demand that she serve me like some kind of sex slave. She argues that if I was a truly red-blooded man, I'd be begging for the sort of opportunities that she gives me, just like how all the men in every TV show and movie since the beginning of time are all desperate horn-dogs that would do anything for a piece of A, with their wives or otherwise. 

I can't really argue with that. Males are known to always want sex, so does that mean that there's something terribly wrong with me that I haven't been looking forward to it as much? The only male character I can think of who didn't want sex with his wife as much as she wanted it with him was Al Bundy from Married with Children.

Anyway, like I said, otherwise we're very very happy, and I know I would never consider looking elsewhere, and I'm sure that she wouldn't either. I've been thinking about maybe getting some kind of book for us to read together about these issues, but that would feel like acknowledging that we have a problem, when we haven't really done that yet at all. She's VERY sensitive about the subject.. so I just don't really know what to do.

Sorry for the huge wall of text.. I'd prefer to be overly detailed than risk someone misunderstanding, though 

Thanks for any ideas you guys might have....


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

My feelings are this:
You shouldn't be having sex with someone you can't talk about sex with.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Preso has THE key point. 

This:


> Her feeling is that sex is great, but it shouldn't be talked about, because that ruins the intimacy.


is dead wrong, IMHO.

Talking about it is required to build that intimacy.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I think what we have here is something that can be fixed by sex education and time.

I'm not sure she understands that she is piling on the performance pressure by making you responisble for her orgasms. Basically that turns your sex experience with her into being either a workhorse to get her off, or a bad lover for failing to do so. After a while sex with a partner like that becomes quite unfun.

She needs to own the responsibly to get to the point of orgasm, and needs to learn to be a sex _partner _rather than just a passive _recipient_.

Also women offend fail to understand the mans need to see that she is _into having sex with him_, specially while they are actually having sex. After a while the whole "I'm passive you touch me but I don't touch you" is emotionally hurtful to men. It's possible for a woman to let a man have sex with her, but to be so passive in the act that he actually feels emotionally rejected by her.

This isn't going to change overnight, and will likely take some years of persistant encouragement and relearning of things for her. Most couples spend the first decade learning each others sexual needs, and you can even be surprised twenty years later as someone announces a desire to try something new and fun in bed.

Maybe try the Better Sex Video Series as a starting point for learning and fun. The Playboy store also has some soft-core couples instructional DVDs as well. Be very careful not to frame your compliant as "you are bad in bed", but come at it positively as "I love it when you..." "I would like to try...." This is also something to bring up as a discussion outside the bedroom, rather than in the middle of having sex. There really is a lifetime of learning and fun ahead.

Or maybe just put a strobe light in the bedroom and it will look like she's moving...


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## shelleyv (Aug 13, 2009)

Dont know if I am allowed to comment since this is the mens clubhouse, but I think you should go for some councelling or sex therapy. You need to tell her how you feeling and she needs to tell you why she doesnt make more of an effort. If she made more of an effort, do you think your frame of mind about sex would change? Do a little exercise together. Draw a picture of a body. Let her circle the areas from 1 - 10 which are the most enjoyable for her (in order of higest to lowest) and you do the same. Then exchange pages. Maybe you are just not turning her on, and maybe she needs to realise she is not turning you on. I have been married for 9 years and only after this exercise did my husband realise I hate him going anywhere near my ears (YUK). How else can you learn about each others wants and needs if you dont communicate? Its gotta happen. Especially since everything else in your marriage seems great. If you can get the sex thing right then that would be awesome. Good luck. Oh yes, and get some toys. They are always a winner. LOL


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## caribbean_dating (Aug 20, 2009)

howdy! I think it shouldn't be talked about, it's being perform.


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## mistake maker (Aug 7, 2009)

I beleive if you can not talk about what each other likes and dislikes, I becomes more of a chore then the ack of love.


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## optimistvik (Aug 4, 2009)

I found this rubbish that she is refusing to talk about sex . Common there is no harm on talking about this & this is a kind of foreplay.

- Bobblehead | Custom Bobblehead


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## only1trying (Aug 24, 2009)

I would suggest playing a Kama-Sutra game. My husband and I have one and I think that your wife would be comfortable with it. It focuses on arousals versions the just trying to 'get off' part of sex. Things that could make sex more fun and relaxed.


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## TabbyCat (Jun 13, 2009)

I think that your wife needs to take some responsibility for finding out what turns her on, so she can help you, help her. This might take some initial verbal communication. 

Part of loving someone is WANTING to please them. She needs to express her adoration for you in a physical way, and please you. That's part of the rush. I get more excited when I am pleasing my husband. Tell her what you'd like. I think if more of that was going on, you wouldn't feel like it is a chore at times.

Regardless of subject, in a marriage there has to be communication for the marriage to have a chance of lasting. You CAN'T continue like this for the next 50 years, so the two of you are going to have to trust each other, and talk about stuff, everything. It will make the marriage deeper, and more intimate.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I have some major sex issues in my marriage also, so just know you arent alone on this, and it can get better. i think its great that you're reaching out for help. my H and i have been having problems for a few years but its slowly getting better...very slowly. lol. just keep trying and slowly you two will work through your issues together.


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## renzAy34134 (Oct 2, 2009)

hello everyone... I am very new at this, actually my first appearance at one of these marrige sites. Since I am not married but might as well be. Me and my girlfriend have been going strong for almost 4 years now. Its been great but recently she has been pressuring me to get married. And when I mean pressuring I mean almost every conversation begins with "Why dont we get married?" Now I dont have a problem with being engaged but our sex life is at best... Shi^^y. I am 22 she is 23. I am ready to go at any time anywhere. She says she is still into me and wants to have sex but has no desire to. This has be thinking that if and when we get married this is going to go down from once every two to three weeks to once a month or two! I dont know what to do. I love her i really do but isnt sex someting a marrige needs to survive? I have not once thought about cheating but its getting bad. I try to make moves or make a romantic dinner and serenede her and at the end of the night i try to make insinuations towards sex and she either says "NO" or she just gets mad and turns over. I just dont know what to do anymore. I cant think of these things myself i am going crazy. I Love her and i dont want to lose her but having no sex or very little is a killer. Please help me, either let me know how to romatisize her more or let her know how i dont want to marry her because of sex. I know its shallow but I just cant handle it much longer. Please let me know!!!!! WOMEN AND MEN I NEED HELP!!!!!!!!!!


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## Blaze (Sep 16, 2009)

shelleyv said:


> Do a little exercise together. Draw a picture of a body. Let her circle the areas from 1 - 10 which are the most enjoyable for her (in order of higest to lowest) and you do the same. Then exchange pages.


LOL, my husband would no doubt circle his willy ten times. LOL 

Blaze


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## alytamave (Oct 2, 2009)

Kilroy,
While I'm no expert at sex, I can speak from personal experience. I cannot have an orgasm while having sex. My husband wanted me to, so we went and bought a "toy". Well I would feel pressured to have an orgasm for him and it became more of a duty than lovemaking, which sounds like what's happening with you. I began to dislike it, and felt that he disliked it too. Every once in a while I wouldn't use the toy, so there wasn't something else to concentrate on, but as we talked he really did like the toy. Then sometimes he'd orgasm before me, and then he'd watch me while I finished myself. With sex, it can be taboo for some people, so speaking of it is uncomfortable, but it really will increase the libido by talking about it, trying new things. Maybe see if she would be comfortable with getting a toy, and take some of the pressure off of you, while both of you are enjoying what's really happening ya know?


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

Communication is the key, you must find some ways to get her to talk!!

Renz, the sex will not get better just because you are married. You may stay or go but if you get married be aware that you will be sexually frustrated.


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## MisterM (Oct 22, 2009)

Renz, after marriage, the frequency usually declines. If you're in your 20s, NOW is the time for sex. It's one of the reasons I married her, but we were going at it daily for a couple of years. Course, that was 25 years ago! It's the glue that holds a marriage together... You better be well stuck at the start.


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## joevn (Oct 23, 2009)

You need to get her talking about it. This "if we talk about it, it becomes less special" is for kids.

You can print out articles about sex and intimacy and read to her while you guys relax in bed, etc. 

And this attitude of "I'm letting you have sex with me and you should be grateful" has to go. It's a joint endeavor and both people need to take the lead now and then. 

I second the sex therapy suggestion, but may be self-therapy via games, articles, etc. should be the first step.


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## melvis (Oct 29, 2009)

"I still look at porn occasionally, and I still have all kinds of lustful dreams and fantasies going on in my head, but when I'm at home with my wife... I don't know if I'm just tired, or maybe I feel too pressured to perform, but I tend to much rather finish my book or my video game or my tv show and then go to sleep. When we do make love, I tend to 'give' much more than I 'get' in terms of favors (or at least it seems that way to me), and if I don't, she gets disappointed."

Part of the problem is in this paragraph. Porn can be an intimacy killer if she's not into that. What you see in pornography is a fictional scenario between two or more people who are not INTIMATE with each other. Intimacy is important to women, mostly because being the "receiver" { which is what the female is during intercourse} puts her in a vulnerable position. She needs to feel safe and trust you in order to be the receiving partner.
Secondly, the "if I don't get it, why should I give it" attitude needs to go out with the garbage. Its not about who gets what, how often, etc. Its not a competition, its your marriage. Women often have to be the passive partner during intercourse in order to achieve orgasm, that's just the way it is. She could be more active during foreplay, and you need to discuss with her what she's comfortable with. But during the actual act, she may need to focus more, and if your not allowing her that moment to relax and enjoy, she will not achieve that end result. That leads to resentment and frustration for sure.


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