# One year after



## Joko (Jul 10, 2012)

I'm new to this site, but I don't really have anyone else to talk to and I'm just confused about a lot of things in my life. I've been married for almost eight years now but around this time last summer my wife had an affair while she was away for Air Force training. This was the second time she had slept with someone outside of marriage in our relationship. 

Both times she was away for training while I was at home. I forgave her after the first time, even though she had fully kicked me out to be with the other guy. After she took a week long trip with him and confessed to having sex almost three times a day, she found out he was engaged with someone else and was just using her. I was the first person she called, and I took her back. 

During her second affair, I stayed home with our 4 year old daughter while she was away. I had suspicions that she was sleeping with someone else and confronted her about it on the phone, she denied and made me feel terrible for accusing her. Then upon returning home, she confessed that I was right all along. 

I almost left her, but feared what would happen to my daughter who I could not support on my own as well. So I stayed to try and work it out for our child. Now we have another daughter who is questionably mine, although she swears she is.

It's been one year since I've told her "I love you" or anything like that. I feel like I'm just afraid to say those words to her. I thought I would be able to move on by now, but it's more difficult than I thought. 

It's also destroyed my self-esteem. I hate myself. It effects my personality at times and I fear I am a lesser father because of it. I think I can honestly say that if we didn't have kids together, I would leave. But we do have kids, and I fear how leaving would affect them. 

I could use some advice.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Here's some advice. Man up and divorce your wife. She has never encountered any consequences for her egregious extra-marital affairs, so why would she ever stop? Get out, or just agree to an open marriage, because to her, that's what you have.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> Both times she was away for training while I was at home. I forgave her after the first time, even though she had fully kicked me out to be with the other guy.


Well, do you now see that as a mistake?



> I was the first person she called, and I took her back.


Did you apologized to her for her affair too? What kind of negative effect did she had from:

1- Cheating on you;
2- Kicking you out.



> During her second affair, I stayed home with our 4 year old daughter while she was away. I had suspicions that she was sleeping with someone else and confronted her about it on the phone, she denied and made me feel terrible for accusing her. Then upon returning home, she confessed that I was right all along.
> 
> I almost left her, but feared what would happen to my daughter who I could not support on my own as well.


You don't have to support her on your own. She is her mother and has to pitch in too. 



> Now we have another daughter who is questionably mine, although she swears she is.


And you trust her because she has been a trustworthy honest wife all this time... Come on man... Smell the burning there. If you have doubts test the kid. There are ways to do it even without a DNA testing. If you need help find yourself some chat room with biology majors and they will guide you through it. It's simple stuff. They will ask you questions about certain traits you should know about your daughter, your wife and yourself (hair color, eye color, bloodtypes, ear lob shape, hair/forehead shape etc). They won't be able to say 100% that the kid is yours (that's why there are DNA tests) but they can tell you if she definitely is NOT your daughter. 

I could do that stuff but, quite honestly i feel like i would get swamped for life in it in this forum. 



> It's also destroyed my self-esteem.


Sincerely, i don't think it did. Part of the problem was/is that you had a very low self esteem to begin with. Or you would not ever accept this situation:



> I was the first person she called, and I took her back.


If you had a healthy dose of self esteem you would at least make her work her fingernails out on it. Instead you made it easy on her, even after being kicked out. In fact i would say that you didn't take her back. If it went as you said, SHE took YOU back...



> I could use some advice.


Pick yourself up. Stop being a glorified babysitter. Work on yourself. Find ways to make more money and be in a position to leave if and whenever you want. And make it cristal clear to your wife that you now have the power to send her packing whenever you feel like it. 

Or, in short, be a REAL MAN, with everything that implies. 

If you find that hard, well, it became harder because you forgot/were never taught how to do it. But it's never too late.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Have a paternity test, to be sure.

File for D and see the effect.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Don't be afraid of losing someone you love OP, we all lose someone at one point or another. Why are you afraid of saying I love you? Don't expect her to love you back not after all that. Even if she says those words they won't mean a thing. Don't stay for the kids. Whats the message you're sending? Stay and get trampled by others? Self respect OP. Key ingredient to a union and life, that is often traded for comfort.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey J-----You have known all along, from the beginning, what you need to do

Stop using money, and your kid/kids, as an excuse

Your children/children's mother, thinks absolutely nothing of you, you are there to help her pay bills---and I guess have some physical satisfaction, when she decides to fit you in tween her lovers

She left you, for a scum the 1st time, only came back, cuz he already had a partner---you obviously did nothing

She did it again---how many guys have there been, where you live that you don't even know about, she obviously likes sex with others, and has it when she wants it.

You are just gonna continue on in misery---this woman, has a H., in name only, she does what she wants, when she wants, and cares nothing about you

Nothing will change for you, cuz you won't stand up for yourself.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Chapter 1: She Cheated, you took her back, she did nothing to rebuild the marriage.

Chapter 2: She Cheated, you took her back, she did nothing to rebuild the marriage, 2nd daughter might not be yours.

Chapter 3: Repeat?

She cheated?

Was it with another soldier, if so report it.

Do the 180.

Get DNA Test.

Get STD Test.

Seperate Finances

Prepare Divorce Papers

Have her served.

Sleep Alone

Man up or if you were a female I would tell you to Woman up

Unless you commit to change yourself you will always be treated like Second Place


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Joko said:


> *It's also destroyed my self-esteem. I hate myself. *It effects my personality at times and I fear I am a lesser father because of it. I think I can honestly say that if we didn't have kids together, I would leave. But we do have kids, and I fear how leaving would affect them.
> 
> I could use some advice.




I dont know if the affairs destroyed your self-esteem. Maybe you never had much to begin with? You took your wife back at least twice!

And now you're possibly raising another man's child?

First, do a paternity test on the children. The tests are cheap.

Second, now that you know your self-esteem is low, build it up. Get help for this.

And, consider seriously divorcing your wife and regaining your self-respect.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You can figure she has slept with three guys for every one you know about.

Divorce her and quit being a doormat.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Do the paternity test on both the children, Give her D papers and move on with your life. There is a world out side you cheating and disrespectful marriage. There are a lot of women who will love you for what you are.

Man up and move on with your life. Dont waste your time as her babysitter.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

One parent staying in a stressful, unhappy marriage is more damaging for the kids that a divorce would be.

Kids are great at picking up vibes from parents. What kind of vibes are you and you wife giving off? Love, trust, respect, OR anger, resentment, distrust, disgust and hate?

Kids are smarter than most give them credit for.


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## MiriRose (Mar 12, 2012)

Hi Joko, I'm glad you decided to post here. First I want to say that I think it's wonderful you're committed to your children, and you seem to be very concerned about doing what's best for them. I do realize that it's very difficult for you as you reflect on your wife's past actions, and I'm sorry this has negatively affected your self-esteem. While there aren't any easy answers, I wanted to let you know about some information you may find helpful. Through my time working with Focus on the Family, I'm aware of some great articles that address moving forward after infidelity here. Also, there are counselors at Focus that will speak with you over the phone for free. I hope you'll consider giving them a call. They're very caring people, and would welcome the chance to speak with you. I am praying for you and your family. God bless you!


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Joko said:


> I'm new to this site, but I don't really have anyone else to talk to and I'm just confused about a lot of things in my life. I've been married for almost eight years now but around this time last summer my wife had an affair while she was away for Air Force training. This was the second time she had slept with someone outside of marriage in our relationship.
> 
> Both times she was away for training while I was at home. I forgave her after the first time, even though she had fully kicked me out to be with the other guy. After she took a week long trip with him and confessed to having sex almost three times a day, she found out he was engaged with someone else and was just using her. I was the first person she called, and I took her back.
> 
> ...


joko, the first time I posted on here (not long ago) I felt like I had been torn apart by the replies but they were in the main correct.

Don't beat yourself up. At least you have taken a step towards doing *something* and that is far better than many manage.

I am not really in a position to dispense advice but know that people on here have your best interests at heart and they are right about a frightening amount of stuff.

I used to have a half joking phrase I only shared with my wife: "Whatever the worst you think of someone, it's usually true". Unfortunately people like your spouse and mine really prove that adage.

Look after yourself. Don't be ashamed of wanting your children to be happy but think about the long term for them.


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