# Just hit 20 years but...



## Zak68

I wonder if it will last.

My wife is a recovering alcoholic. Tried to kill herself in 2009, rehab, we split for a few months, got back together. She has been sober since. 5-6 years of heavy addiction and the wear and tear on our marriage. Add to that she had a 6 mo affair with my best friend during all of that. 

Sept will be 4 years sober for her and she is doing well. I see the woman I loved back in my life.

The problem is our marriage just seems to be well down the ladder on her importance list. Recovery, Religion, herself. It's all focused on her.

For our 20th yesterday I had been saving up money for a year to get her something nice. I also got her flowers (only missed 1 birthday, zero valentines, zero mother's days & zero anniversaries in 20 years) and made her dinner.

She left my card at work, nothing special. Just Happy Anniversary and thanks for all the wonderful gifts. 

It's pretty much been this way for 20 years and I try to tell myself it's just not in her nature to be forward thinking and try to do special things. 

I like to surprise her with nice gifts from time to time. I always went out of my way to make her know I cared. Yet, I barely get any effort in return. 

Has anyone else dealt with this? I know I am imposing my style on her and I should not expect her to behave as I do. Yet, It would be nice to see some effort from her to show me she loved me after all the crud she put me and our kids through with her addiction. 

I guess I am just tired of trying. This may have been my last straw at 20 years. No more special gifts. No more extra effort to surprise her with flower. I'll get the cards. I'll buy the flowers but my heart is just not in all the effort when I don't get it in return.


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## Trying2figureitout

Zak68 said:


> I wonder if it will last.
> 
> My wife is a recovering alcoholic. Tried to kill herself in 2009, rehab, we split for a few months, got back together. She has been sober since. 5-6 years of heavy addiction and the wear and tear on our marriage. Add to that she had a 6 mo affair with my best friend during all of that.
> 
> Sept will be 4 years sober for her and she is doing well. I see the woman I loved back in my life.
> 
> The problem is our marriage just seems to be well down the ladder on her importance list. Recovery, Religion, herself. It's all focused on her.
> 
> For our 20th yesterday I had been saving up money for a year to get her something nice. I also got her flowers (only missed 1 birthday, zero valentines, zero mother's days & zero anniversaries in 20 years) and made her dinner.
> 
> She left my card at work, nothing special. Just Happy Anniversary and thanks for all the wonderful gifts.
> 
> It's pretty much been this way for 20 years and I try to tell myself it's just not in her nature to be forward thinking and try to do special things.
> 
> I like to surprise her with nice gifts from time to time. I always went out of my way to make her know I cared. Yet, I barely get any effort in return.
> 
> Has anyone else dealt with this? I know I am imposing my style on her and I should not expect her to behave as I do. Yet, It would be nice to see some effort from her to show me she loved me after all the crud she put me and our kids through with her addiction.
> 
> I guess I am just tired of trying. This may have been my last straw at 20 years. No more special gifts. No more extra effort to surprise her with flower. I'll get the cards. I'll buy the flowers but my heart is just not in all the effort when I don't get it in return.


We just each did the card exchange at 20 kinda pathetic.. no gifts until things get more equal. You'll learn.
Start matching her indifference.

Basically at some point match her effort exactly....I'm slowly getting there and will if we get to my decision point without needed change.

Give her a reason to do more. Usually that is in response to you withholding what you used to do. Why work when its free? is her thinking.
I plan to go on strike if we get there.


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## Amplexor

I know this gets suggested a lot, but read "The Five Love Languages" It sounds like you are not understanding each others and this might help. She needs to find a way to put more emphasis on you and the marriage. She needs to understand what tells you she loves you and try and improve. It is very possible that "Gift Giving" is not her language at all and that is why she doesn't reciprocate.


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## Zak68

I want to talk to her about it but I feel if I say something then any effort on her part after that is just to make me happy, not out of her wanting to express herself to me.

It's the old double standard. If I were to forget I know all hell would break loose. She's forgotten about a dozen times in our marraige and only once bought me an anniversary gift.

I do understand this is just my way. Life is hectic and I want to let her know I think about her and appreciate her being in my life.

I should just step back and be me. I tell my kids you can only hold yourself accountable for your actions. Other people will do what they will do. Just take care of yourself.


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## Faithful Wife

Zak....how do you recover from an affair between your wife and your best friend?

I know that some affairs happen due to lack of boundaries, etc. But with your best friend? 

I guess what I'm getting at is that it seems your wife has no regard for your feelings just from that alone...so the rest of it...I have to wonder, has she EVER shown any good solid loving feelings for you?


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## Madman1

Why would you keep a woman like that?
Do you think this is the best you deserve or can do?


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## Mavash.

Have you sought help for your codependency?


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## Thebes

Your wife sounds like my husband in ways only he has cheated also. He's not a loving person unless you count when he grabs at me when he has been looking at porn and I strongly question if he wants to be with me after some things that were said.

He remembered only one anniversary in all the years we have been married. Only one valentines present after an affair. I guess its my cheating gift, never wear it. 

He knows how much I need him to just say I love you but he won't and now I won't start sex with him. We have sex about twice a month. Was going all out for him but if he can't do that one thing for me after everything he has done and said I can't go out of my way for him no more. I'm done trying to please him. If just being here is suppose to be good enough for me, he said that, then it will have to be good enough for him.

If she is like my husband she will not change. You'll either have to accept it or leave.


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