# Hi, new and unable to cope.



## dawn691 (Feb 28, 2013)

My situation is one where my husband had been sending and received dirty texts and pictures from women our entire marriage. We've been married for 7 years, together 10. It was started with porn sites, then he started giving his phone number out. Then he started the same with two women at work and that had gone on for 3 yrs until I caught him at it all. He claims there was nothing physical with either of the two at work, but one did have a baby during the midst of it all and didn't name a father. He was making masterbation videos with his phone and sending them to other women. He even viewed one of the women from work on webcam stripping for him while I lay passed out on the couch from medications I was on to help with pain from my back. 

My husband says he wants to work this out, but I can't get him to discuss it. He claims that he doesn't know why he cheated. My argument is that in order for he and I to work this out so he don't feel the need to do it again is to know why he did in the first place. Throughout all the online stuff, one woman stands out. She is the one he still works with, not the one who had a baby.

We have been seeing our pastor for Christian counseling, but not on a regular basis. We have no way to pay for regular counseling as he is on the verge of being laid off from his job. I know people that he works with don't like me, but he says he can't recall talking bad about me. It is almost as if he is blocking all of it out. My sister claims the same thing about our mother, who passed when she was 12 and I was 17. I can remember everything about Mom but she can't remember anything about her. She thinks she's blocked it, like my husband has with his affair. 

I have become ill in the last 2 years, I herniated a disk in my back and then about a year ago was diagnosed with a pituitary tumor. I thought at first he did this because I was ill, but after digging and digging and not being able to get out of him all that transpired I found out it started in late 2009 after he went back to work after being laid off the first time. Then he manages to confess doing the same with his ex girlfriend prior to that. Our pastor does not think he is a sex addict because he was able to quit looking at porn and contacting these women. He kind of excuses his behavior by calling it impulsive and states that he may never know why he cheated.

I am at my wits end. I loved him, I want to love him again because I know he is a really good man, good father, hard worker. He has even taken my son from another marriage as his own. I have to understand why, because if he feels the same way again, he'll cheat again. Please help. I am so desperate for help.


----------



## BeenthereDunThat (Nov 27, 2012)

dawn, two points: 1 -- none of this is your fault and 2: your husband needs professional help. There is a chance professional help will open his eyes to his problems. Good luck


----------



## boogie110 (Aug 3, 2012)

Well, then call it a compulsion, but it certainly isn't normal. Call it what you want. Either way, he needs help. If he is going to be laid off then he better be digging for more work. Sounds like you can't work? If at all possible, I think you need to get out more. He sounds like a little baby boy with no responsibilities. Pastors really aren't able to cope with this kind of problem. They may be great spiritual counselors for more minor marital problems but this is huge. If you can't afford counseling take away the computer from him at home at least and if he just can't live without it then try all the gadgets/programs that people speak of on this site. My problem with that is that I would expect people go crazy trying to chase cheating. If a cheater wants to cheat, he will. If you can't afford counseling, there is always Sex addicts annonymous or SA or SAA - (look it up) don't remember what they stand for but it will fill in a little for counseling and he will be with people who can relate and they also call eachother for help and spend time with eachother outside of group. Also, you can start cutting out a lot of things to try and afford counseling after he gets a new job. He's been doing this for so long already....Maybe counseling once or twice a month. Also, since he is computer handy...there are counselors right here on this site ON THE COMPUTER.


----------



## dawn691 (Feb 28, 2013)

Thank you, and I agree. With insurance being crap and about to be laid off, there is not much help out there. Our pastor seems to want to help, but I feel like he is making me feel I am blowing the whole thing out of proportion. Like it's no big deal, he says he didn't have a physical affair, get over it already kind of thing. He just keeps saying he may never have an answer, he did what he did on an impulse.

I wanted to say, how do you carry an impulse on like that for seven years? Seven years worth of this stuff is not an impulse, it's a problem.


----------



## BeenthereDunThat (Nov 27, 2012)

dawn691 said:


> Thank you, and I agree. With insurance being crap and about to be laid off, there is not much help out there. Our pastor seems to want to help, but I feel like he is making me feel I am blowing the whole thing out of proportion. Like it's no big deal, he says he didn't have a physical affair, get over it already kind of thing. He just keeps saying he may never have an answer, he did what he did on an impulse.
> 
> I wanted to say, how do you carry an impulse on like that for seven years? Seven years worth of this stuff is not an impulse, it's a problem.


Dawn, find a new pastor because this one isn't going to work for you.


----------



## dawn691 (Feb 28, 2013)

boogie110 said:


> Well, then call it a compulsion, but it certainly isn't normal. Call it what you want. Either way, he needs help. If he is going to be laid off then he better be digging for more work. Sounds like you can't work? If at all possible, I think you need to get out more. He sounds like a little baby boy with no responsibilities. Pastors really aren't able to cope with this kind of problem. They may be great spiritual counselors for more minor marital problems but this is huge. If you can't afford counseling take away the computer from him at home at least and if he just can't live without the then try all the gadgets that people speak of on this site. My problem with that is that I would expect people go crazy trying to chase cheating. If a cheater wants to cheat, he will. If you can't afford counseling, there is always Sex addicts annonymous or SA or SAA - don't remember what they stand for but it will fill in a little for counseling and he will be with people who can relate and they also call eachother for help and spend time with eachother outside of group.


I wouldn't call it sex addiction. He's dropped all of it on his own. He quit getting on the computer. My phone bill is clean. He won't go to the store without me. Not compulsion because he kept it up for so long. I can walk up and smack a person in the mouth upon compulsion, but I might not ever do it again, because an impulse is usually a one time deal. Not seven years.


----------



## boogie110 (Aug 3, 2012)

dawn691 said:


> Thank you, and I agree. With insurance being crap and about to be laid off, there is not much help out there. Our pastor seems to want to help, but I feel like he is making me feel I am blowing the whole thing out of proportion. Like it's no big deal, he says he didn't have a physical affair, get over it already kind of thing. He just keeps saying he may never have an answer, he did what he did on an impulse.
> 
> I wanted to say, how do you carry an impulse on like that for seven years? Seven years worth of this stuff is not an impulse, it's a problem.



BAD PASTOR, BAD.


----------



## dawn691 (Feb 28, 2013)

boogie110 said:


> BAD PASTOR, BAD.


Would you also believe that the woman in question is 10 years OLDER than I am?


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

dawn691 said:


> I wouldn't call it sex addiction. He's dropped all of it on his own. He quit getting on the computer. My phone bill is clean. He won't go to the store without me.


My husband is a sex addict, and this is called 'white knuckling'. It is not sustainable unless he gets into some kind of therapy or help group NOW.

You may be able to find someone certified who has financial assistance programs. Please see the links in my signature. The one for sex addicts especially. You will find info on how to find a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist) and also - and this may be your best bet - info on 12 step groups for sex addicts. There are several and they're ALL FREE.

But the first step is for him to admit he has a problem. If he refuses to talk about it, he hasn't done this. He's burying it, like you said, but it MUST be unburied if there is ANY hope of him staying 'sober' long term.

Your pastor is doing far more harm than good at this point by telling you what he is. DO NOT go back.

It is also important that you get some help. If you can't afford anything else, get this book

Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal: Barbara Steffens, Marsha Means: 9780882823096: Amazon.com: Books


----------



## dawn691 (Feb 28, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> My husband is a sex addict, and this is called 'white knuckling'. It is not sustainable unless he gets into some kind of therapy or help group NOW.
> 
> You may be able to find someone certified who has financial assistance programs. Please see the links in my signature. The one for sex addicts especially. You will find info on how to find a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist) and also - and this may be your best bet - info on 12 step groups for sex addicts. There are several and they're ALL FREE.
> 
> ...



Funny enough, hubby is the one who brought up that it might be sex addiction, and since he fervently believes what our pastor says, that's what it's not now. I don't have anyone in my area who specializes in this, but we do have the SAA meetings here. Thank you very much.


----------



## GottaKnow (Jan 19, 2013)

Dawn, your H is hurting you to satisfy his lustful urges. That is a problem and I think it is a sexual addiction. Sex addicts can stop for a period of time but they need counseling to understand what's causing the behavior and to accept responsibility for the hurt it is causing. Without therapy he will most likely continue to sacrifice your well being to satisfy his sexual urges with other women. Additionally, sex addicts often need to up the excitement and move to new levels of infidelity. If he hasn't gotten physical it's only a matter of time unless he gets help.

I'm so sorry.


----------



## GottaKnow (Jan 19, 2013)

Also, unless your pastor is a licensed therapist he's overstepping his boundaries here and most likely unknowingly, minimizing your H's behavior. I'm sure he's trying to help but minimizing this behavior is not the answer. Making your H accountable for it is the answer. Good luck.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BeenthereDunThat said:


> Dawn, find a new pastor because this one isn't going to work for you.


:iagree:

He is useless, to be honest.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

dawn691 said:


> Funny enough, hubby is the one who brought up that it might be sex addiction, and since he fervently believes what our pastor says, that's what it's not now. I don't have anyone in my area who specializes in this, but we do have the SAA meetings here. Thank you very much.


Patrick Carnes writes books about sex addiction which have really helped my hubby. He also has a website where yours can do some quizzes to see if he might be at risk

Am I A Sex Addict, Am I Addicted to Sex, Sex Addict Symptoms

And I REALLY believe your pastor is doing more harm than good here. Actually, any therapist who isn't trained to work with infidelity and sex addictions, does more harm than good. My husband was seeing one, then he stopped because she figured he had everything under control, then he relapsed, badly (you can read my story thru the link in my sig if you like)


----------



## boogie110 (Aug 3, 2012)

dawn691 said:


> . Not compulsion because he kept it up for so long. I can walk up and smack a person in the mouth upon compulsion, but I might not ever do it again, because an impulse is usually a one time deal. Not seven years.



That is what compulsion is. It's fine, not everyone wants a label, they just want it not to have happened. Impulse is not just a one time thing either. Impulse buying - happens to some all the time, most of us every once in a while. Compulsion - you do it for seven years. But don't get offended, it's just you are still in the shock faze - that can last for years, and you just want it to all go back to where you thought it was normal. It was never normal.


----------



## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> My husband is a sex addict, and this is called 'white knuckling'. It is not sustainable unless he gets into some kind of therapy or help group NOW.
> 
> You may be able to find someone certified who has financial assistance programs. Please see the links in my signature. The one for sex addicts especially. You will find info on how to find a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist) and also - and this may be your best bet - info on 12 step groups for sex addicts. There are several and they're ALL FREE.
> 
> ...


Great info from all the posters.It sounds very much like your husband has an addiction.Hes done this more many years and sounds like he can't stop,even though he probably wants to.
I have to laugh at your church minister,hes enabling this behavior to continue.

Sorry,but its sounds like you two have many issues in your marriage that haven't been dealt with.If I am wrong,I apologize.


----------



## dawn691 (Feb 28, 2013)

nevergveup said:


> Great info from all the posters.It sounds very much like your husband has an addiction.Hes done this more many years and sounds like he can't stop,even though he probably wants to.
> I have to laugh at your church minister,hes enabling this behavior to continue.
> 
> Sorry,but its sounds like you two have many issues in your marriage that haven't been dealt with.If I am wrong,I apologize.


I do, and I wasn't even aware that there was. He came home to me every day, we were having relations on a regular basis, nothing to indicate anything was wrong. I truly caught him by pure accident. He left the computer and I happened to glance at it and poof. He wouldn't talk to me at all.

I thank you all for the great advice. Maybe if the Lord is willing it will work out.


----------

