# Over a decade of cheating. I think I get the hint now.



## jeepgal (Apr 19, 2012)

I've been reading these message boards for quite some time, now. I even responded to a thread or two last year, but wasn't ready to introduce myself or fully share my situation. I've been bitter and I guess I still am. But I will try to tell my situation without skipping around too much. Husband cheated while I was pg with first child. Extremely painful experience. He blamed it on my lack of sexual desire during pregnancy. I believed him and I accepted blame. He ended affair and we went to mc. All was well. He promised me that he was not that kind of person and that would never happen again. I became pg again 14 months after 1st child was born and I did worry that he could slip up, but I knew to keep him sexually satisfied so he didn't. 

Fast forward 5 months after my second child's birth, I went out of town to visit family with my children while my husband stayed home due to work and when I returned a few days later, I knew something wasn't right. Bottle of wine in trash can (husband never drinks wine), husband never answered phone while I was away except maybe twice, he was nervous acting when I came home. He wouldn't look at me and had washed the sheets on our bed. Ding Ding Ding!!! I knew something happened but when confronted, he denied, denied, denied. So I just let it go. Months later, I caught him masturbating at the computer with a chat box window open. He admitted to having cyber sex with some random online stranger in a chat room. No biggie, I say to myself. Months later, I caught him having phone sex with a stranger. No biggie, right? Months later, he had a new job out of state. Which meant working during the week and coming home only on the weekends. Before leaving to go to work one morning, he checked a secret email address from our home computer and I happened to check the history and caught it. I was able to find his password through the forgot password link and I found the mother load of emails to all sorts of women, asking for sex, planning sex, complaining of his loveless marriage. 

Oh my God, it was emotionally devastating to me. Here I am, a stay at home mom to a toddler and a baby and he is looking to replace me. I was scared and shocked and I really didn't have the financial means to go to an attorney and file for a divorce. I waited a few days and then I called him and told him I knew what he had been doing. I told him I found his secret email address. He got scared, said sorry didn't mean any of it, was just lonely, said I didn't show him enough attention, I didn't want sex enough, etc., etc. Once again, I accepted the blame. 

Every other year, the same thing happens. I get a gut feeling, start snooping and I find something. We go to mc, become hyper-sexual and all is well for a few months. We then go back to the same normal pattern. I fall into a false sense of security, thinking everything is ok and then bam, I discover something else. 

Oh, and four years after the fact, he finally admitted to me that yes, he did sleep with someone that weekend the kids and I were visiting family and he stayed home. It was a woman he met online that lived an hour away. He said it was not pre-planned, that it was a spur of the moment thing. We were arguing one night and I brought up that weekend and I said something to the effect that it was so long ago, it didn't matter if he did or didn't. So he told me that I had been correct all along, that he did sleep with someone that weekend in our house. Honestly, I wish I never knew the truth.

Ok, so that's my story. Late last year, I decided I was tired of this pattern. I'm not getting any younger and I became really depressed. Mostly because I don't want my children to think that two people that love each other act so unloving towards one another but also because I really want to be loved and to be with someone that I can love fully without all of this bitterness and resentment. I also think my husband should be with someone who he loves enough not to want to cheat on them. So I told him I was done. I said this is the real deal. I do not love you. I am finished trying to hold onto something that is so damaged. I told him we needed to go ahead and get a divorce and do our best to be amicable and work towards doing what's right for the kids. He knows I'm not a greedy person or a vindictive person. I'm just sad and I'm done having my heart ripped out every year or so when I find his secret cheating crap. 

I finally started taking care of myself. I've been working towards losing all my extra weight. I even asked my gyno for an STD panel, which thankfully came back negative. Those were two excruciating long weeks to wait. All of this threw him for a loop and he begged for us to go to mc and I said no. He begged me not to file for divorce. He said he loved me and was "in love" with me and would be devastated if we were to get a divorce. He said he hasn't done anything "bad" in a long time. He started going to ic for anger issues and to discuss his issues with straying. He said he doesn't want anyone else but me. Of course, I've waited so long to hear something like that come out of his mouth and I am weak. We have engaged in sex a few times. Not sure if that was the right thing to do but it is our pattern. 

Tonight, while he was out of the house, he had his laptop running and I decided to snoop. I haven't looked at his laptop in over a year. I found Skype, MSN messenger and Yahoo messenger. I had no idea he used those programs. I was able to get into Skype and I found a conversation with a female who tried to get him to pay to view her having sex with someone else. He said he couldn't because he didn't have a cc that couldn't be checked by "the wife". He told this female that he would add her to his friends list because he wanted to get to know her better. This convo took place in February. Ugh. I am such an idiot. Part of me wonders if I should request access to both of the messengers to see what exactly he is saying but I really don't think I could mentally handle anything else. I should just contact an attorney, right? I don't think even his counseling is going to fix this.


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

Proceed with divorce. Your husband is a sex addict. All computers should have strict parental controls so he can't be tempted.


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

I'm so sorry you are going through this..Please know you aren't alone.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Wow, I can't believe you put your head in the sand half a dozen times.


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## jeepgal (Apr 19, 2012)

I was convinced I was causing his behavior, what can I say?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband will NEVER find someone he will not cheat on. Cheating is in his nature, sadly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Jeepgal....Im sorry you are here. I hate that you blamed yourself for his cheating, it was NOT your fault at all. He made the choice to do everything he did that in the end ruined your relationship and family.

Dont beat yourself up for looking past it so many times. Some of us arent as strong as others and will look past it in hopes of a change and its only after a while we realize its not going to change. You had to get to your breaking point, some people get to theirs much quicker.

With as much as you know now, I would move forward. If he loved you and wanted to be with you so bad he wouldnt have been talking to someone in February. Keeping working on making yourself happy and move on with your life. Your kids deserve to see their mother happy!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

jeepgal said:


> I was convinced I was causing his behavior, what can I say?


For your husband this is not about love. He does not love these women.

1. Stop blaming yourself. You did nothing to deserve this.

1. Stop blaming yourself. You did nothing to deserve this.

1. Stop balming yourself. You did nothing to deserve this.

Do I need to repeat # 1 again.


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

Kasler said:


> Wow, I can't believe you put your head in the sand half a dozen times.


WOW! Not thinking that was constructive


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

jeepgal said:


> I really want to be loved and to be with someone that I can love fully without all of this bitterness and resentment. I also think *my husband should be with someone who he loves enough not to want to cheat on them. *


This is where all the issue comes from. Thins mindset is completey wrong.
His cheating ways were never your blame.
He won't ever find a woman he doesn't "need" to cheat on. Itr was never a proble you failed short on meetings his needs.
He's a serial cheater, a cake eater. It's his character. He will always need cake on the side, tis is "his need", cake, he feels entitled to it.

It's a shame you always toke the blame whent the entire responsability was his. It's also a shame all those MC were so crappy to not call him on his sh1t and to point out to somthing wrong in you.
After all this time your needs never were met rigth? You were abused and blamed but you never cheated on him, right?

File for divorce and find someone deserving of you.


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## jeepgal (Apr 19, 2012)

Thanks so much for the kind words. They really do help. I know I need to work on me and I know I need to be IC. I'm just so disappointed in what therapy has done for us in the past. And I think I might be a little afraid of what I might discover about myself and why I allow myself to accept this kind of relationship.

Acabado, no, I've never cheated on him. He knows I would never do that and he knows that I love/d him with all my heart. I was never physically abused, except once when he drank more than he should have and he threw a basket at me and broke my pinkie. Through the years he has thrown things in anger but that was the first time he made contact with me. That was three years ago.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

jeepgal said:


> I was convinced I was causing his behavior, what can I say?


You don't have to say anything. There are hundreds of threads where betrayed spouses believe they are at fault. Now that you recognize the issue, it is time for you to change your situation.

I get so irritated with:
"OMG we fought; therefore I cheated."
"OMG we called each other names; I cheated."
"OMG you work to much, I cheated."


It's funny how cheaters can tell you how bad everything was because it was your fault, but they can NEVER tell you how bad it is becoming.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Stop being so nice.

File for D - do not tell your husband 
Secure money for yourself and children and make sure to get a lawyer that will take your husband to the cleaners. Think of how much time, effort and family money he spent on his affair . Your husband is likely to turn nasty once you file for D.

Key here is to wear a selfish hat , be unyielding and never share your plans with your husband. Life is what you make of it , you can be fearful and weak and enable your husbands bad behaviours or you can stand up for your family and yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Men mainly cheat, I believe, for validation. You gave him a home, a marriage, even his children, and none of that was enough to keep his self worth afloat for very long.

He will do it again and again, because the problem isn't the woman he's with or the relationship he has. The problem is the man he sees in the mirror every day. He feels like he's worthless and needs to constantly prove his manliness by engaging lots of different women. It is the conquest of a new woman that makes him feel worthwhile. There is nothing inside him that tells him he has value - he must get it from new sources, over and over.

You will never be enough. But neither will any other woman. End this destructive cycle and leave him to self-destruct without dragging a family with him.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> You don't have to say anything. There are hundreds of threads where betrayed spouses believe they are at fault. Now that you recognize the issue, it is time for you to change your situation.
> 
> I get so irritated with:
> "OMG we fought; therefore I cheated."
> ...


Mine detached completely at home and then said, much to my surprise, that WE (the kids and I) MADE HER FEEL UNWELCOME. What a load of crap these cheaters have floating around their heads.


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## Deluded (Apr 9, 2013)

I'm sat at my pc crying - crying because I'm in the same situation as you although you are stronger than me. We are working it out AGAIN. I have 3 young children and I'm so frightened about our financial security and being on my own. 

My h was raped and sexually abused as a young child, he told me this when I was pregnant with my first when I found out he was cheating. that was 8 years ago. He has consistantly cheated with periods of rests, paying for escorts, chatting on line, meeting women through work. 

Part of me wants to believe that he will change - he wont. There is a tiny part of me that thinks maybe I should turn a blind eye.

Honestly I think I'm losing my marbles - and almost start hating myself for staying in this situation

Any advice please


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

No one can change another person - that comes from inside.

Your husband being sexually abused robbed him of his sense of male-ness. He in all likelihood goes about proving to himself (via sex) that he IS manly.

I've often heard that the abused becomes the abuser. He may be acting out in this way as a sick form of self-therapy.

Until your husband decides to seek hard-core IC, he cannot stop and you won't be able to help him.

Let me give you a little bit of hope also. I'm a financial advisor by trade, and one of the things we have to learn and master is a concept called Behavioral Finance - why people do what they do with money. 

One of the primary tenets of Behavioral Finance is that what happens to us in the present always seems worse than things that have happened in the past. (So in my business, a current market correction panics clients more than remembering the recession in 2009, for example.) Your fear of being financially strapped is understandable, but in real-life experience, it's nearly always blown out of proportion. People are amazingly good at adapting. They always find a way to live just barely within their means. Yes there will be adjustments, but you WILL come out the other side okay.

You cannot stay in a situation where you are being mistreated. If for no other reason than your kids are watching. Your children are watching to see how to treat others in relationships, and how they should expect to be treated. Be a role model; show compassion for his serious mental issues, but do not allow yourself to remain in the thick of it. 

Some of these betrayed spouses suffer from a kind of Stockholm Syndrome - you actually sympathize with your abusers - you can see and excuse the things they do to hurt you because, well, they had it bad once. This is, in itself, a form of mental disorder. 

Think about your future happiness and the lessons your children are learning, and part company with him.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Kasler said:


> Wow, I can't believe you put your head in the sand half a dozen times.



Jeep gal,

The sad truth seems to be that your husband has found someone he loves and, its you. He cheated on you. I have the utmost respect for SAHMs.

No matter what kind of person your husband will "love" or "end" up with, he has an addiction and will relapse. He will cheat on every person he loves.

If you leave him he may go through withdrawal but as of now it seems he cannot even help himself much less you.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Deluded said:


> I'm sat at my pc crying - crying because I'm in the same situation as you although you are stronger than me. We are working it out AGAIN. I have 3 young children and I'm so frightened about our financial security and being on my own.
> 
> My h was raped and sexually abused as a young child, he told me this when I was pregnant with my first when I found out he was cheating. that was 8 years ago. He has consistantly cheated with periods of rests, paying for escorts, chatting on line, meeting women through work.
> 
> ...


Every addict needs a withdrawal period. Addictions may change the shape of your brain and can affect the ability to have proper judgement etc. 

Complete transparency is needed. How else does any spouse expect to defeat any addiction without the help of their loving spouse. Any time they feel an urge, a 'need', they need to realize its ephemeral and it'll pass and that they need help from every direction.


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

I am so sorry you have experienced this repeatedly. It's so heavy on the heart. It hurts. 
What will make the hurt stop? Do you want the hurt to stop? What can you do today that will help you cope? 
There are options. Many options. Check with United Way (google it) for resources within your community for support. 
I wish you peace with whatever decision you make. You deserve some stability in your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deluded (Apr 9, 2013)

Thank you so much for all your replies. I'm not going to lie and say that I am leaving him right now.......however I feel slightly more powerful knowing that it won't work.........(i guess that might sound a little odd) but after so many years of confusion and uncertainty having that knowledge makes me feel calmer in my thoughts.


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## Deluded (Apr 9, 2013)

jeepgal said:


> I've been reading these message boards for quite some time, now. I even responded to a thread or two last year, but wasn't ready to introduce myself or fully share my situation. I've been bitter and I guess I still am. But I will try to tell my situation without skipping around too much. Husband cheated while I was pg with first child. Extremely painful experience. He blamed it on my lack of sexual desire during pregnancy. I believed him and I accepted blame. He ended affair and we went to mc. All was well. He promised me that he was not that kind of person and that would never happen again. I became pg again 14 months after 1st child was born and I did worry that he could slip up, but I knew to keep him sexually satisfied so he didn't.
> 
> Fast forward 5 months after my second child's birth, I went out of town to visit family with my children while my husband stayed home due to work and when I returned a few days later, I knew something wasn't right. Bottle of wine in trash can (husband never drinks wine), husband never answered phone while I was away except maybe twice, he was nervous acting when I came home. He wouldn't look at me and had washed the sheets on our bed. Ding Ding Ding!!! I knew something happened but when confronted, he denied, denied, denied. So I just let it go. Months later, I caught him masturbating at the computer with a chat box window open. He admitted to having cyber sex with some random online stranger in a chat room. No biggie, I say to myself. Months later, I caught him having phone sex with a stranger. No biggie, right? Months later, he had a new job out of state. Which meant working during the week and coming home only on the weekends. Before leaving to go to work one morning, he checked a secret email address from our home computer and I happened to check the history and caught it. I was able to find his password through the forgot password link and I found the mother load of emails to all sorts of women, asking for sex, planning sex, complaining of his loveless marriage.
> 
> ...


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## Deluded (Apr 9, 2013)

I am so sorry to read your thread, every word resonated with me...I couldn't offer any advice and wish you all the best in whatever you decide x


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## betrayed2013 (Feb 5, 2013)

trust me, this isnt goin to work in either of ur situations. They are sex addicts and its a tuff one to mentally break out of. Child trauma prob plays a big role in how they are today. Im sure it was of a sexual nature too. These people dont know what love truly is. U kno what love is, thats why u havent cheated or have prob never entertaiined the idea. If u truly love someone, u just couldnt put this kind of hurt on them, over and over.


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## jeepgal (Apr 19, 2012)

Once again, thanks for the responses. It's been a few days since I've been able to log in and read them. I've been sick to my stomach with everything going on around me. My h has been a total nightmare. I've not been able to eat, sleep or function. I do wake up to get my kids ready for school and take them on some days. H also takes them some days, as well. Once they are at school, I just wander around the house or go back to bed until its time to pick them up. I do engage with afternoon and evening activities but once it's bedtime, I'm wide awake, with everything going through my mind. Ughhh. A few things he has said that have had me scratching my head. One thing was during an argument, he spit out between clinched teeth, "Why do you have to snoop? If you wouldn't find this stuff, none of this would be happening!" Another thing was during one of my weaker moments, I was crying, saying that I was surprised at how easily he's accepted me saying I am done and wanting a divorce and he said that he just doesn't have any fight left in him, but if I was willing to go to mc, he would be willing to work on the marriage. He is such a manipulator. I feel so sick in the head right along with him. I want out of here so badly, I can't stand it! I know that I can't support myself and our children until I have a job. Child support won't be enough to pay everything. I'm stuck until then. He says he will not move out. He has family nearby, I don't. My closest family is 3 hours away. I don't want to move my kids and legally I probably can't. I'm stuck, trapped like an animal.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

This is unhealthy. You need to see a doctor and then make a decision for you. You are no good to anyone, even your kids, if you are depressed.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

jeepgal said:


> Once again, thanks for the responses. It's been a few days since I've been able to log in and read them. I've been sick to my stomach with everything going on around me. My h has been a total nightmare. I've not been able to eat, sleep or function. I do wake up to get my kids ready for school and take them on some days. H also takes them some days, as well. Once they are at school, I just wander around the house or go back to bed until its time to pick them up. I do engage with afternoon and evening activities but once it's bedtime, I'm wide awake, with everything going through my mind. Ughhh. A few things he has said that have had me scratching my head. One thing was during an argument, he spit out between clinched teeth, "Why do you have to snoop? If you wouldn't find this stuff, none of this would be happening!" Another thing was during one of my weaker moments, I was crying, saying that I was surprised at how easily he's accepted me saying I am done and wanting a divorce and he said that he just doesn't have any fight left in him, but if I was willing to go to mc, he would be willing to work on the marriage. He is such a manipulator. I feel so sick in the head right along with him. I want out of here so badly, I can't stand it! I know that I can't support myself and our children until I have a job. Child support won't be enough to pay everything. I'm stuck until then. He says he will not move out. He has family nearby, I don't. My closest family is 3 hours away. I don't want to move my kids and legally I probably can't. I'm stuck, trapped like an animal.



You need to dedicate a time where you can think and and let your mind worry and wander about everything. Once you set the time, for example, in the evening, you use it to think, cry, get angry, etc etc, after that its bed time and try to put off all thinking for tomorrow. Procrastinate as much as you can after your allotted time.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

InlandTXMM said:


> Mine detached completely at home and then said, much to my surprise, that WE (the kids and I) MADE HER FEEL UNWELCOME. What a load of crap these cheaters have floating around their heads.


Unbelievable, exactly my experience. This is basically word for word what she to me (amongst so much else) when I discovered the betrayal 2 weeks ago today. Cheaters - I hate that word with a vengeance.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

JG,

Have you taken time to read newbies link and follow them?

Escape, 5 years ago!!


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Men like this....need I say more


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## jeepgal (Apr 19, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> JG,
> 
> Have you taken time to read newbies link and follow them?
> 
> Escape, 5 years ago!!


No, where would I find it? I looked in Coping with Infidelity but did not see any link.

Discovered last week via his work email, which I have never ever had access to, that he and a co worker have had a sort of connection for the past three months. She lives in another state, so nothing physical, but they email each other constantly and have private conversations several times a day about their personal lives. Very flirty with one another. But the most hurtful thing of all is how he bashes me to her and she seems to jump on the bashing and encourages him. She tells him not to tolerate certain things from me that he complains about (mostly lies.) She doesn't even know me. I am shocked that someone would be so opinionated about a stranger. He tells her how beautiful she is. She discusses her dates she has for the weekend. She is a member of a dating website, so she goes on various dates. He said during one email when she mentioned getting close to one of her dates, "What am I supposed to do once I'm available if you and this dude become an item?". I know I don't have to snoop but seeing this stuff with my own eyes is more painful than I can ever explain in words.

And to the other members who have posted their own struggles in this thread, please know I am not ignoring you. I have read your stories and I feel your pain. I'm just in my own world right now, kind of numb.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

jeepgal said:


> No, where would I find it? I looked in Coping with Infidelity but did not see any link.
> 
> Discovered last week via his work email, which I have never ever had access to, that he and a co worker have had a sort of connection for the past three months. She lives in another state, so nothing physical, but they email each other constantly and have private conversations several times a day about their personal lives. Very flirty with one another. But the most hurtful thing of all is how he bashes me to her and she seems to jump on the bashing and encourages him. She tells him not to tolerate certain things from me that he complains about (mostly lies.) She doesn't even know me. I am shocked that someone would be so opinionated about a stranger. He tells her how beautiful she is. She discusses her dates she has for the weekend. She is a member of a dating website, so she goes on various dates. He said during one email when she mentioned getting close to one of her dates, "What am I supposed to do once I'm available if you and this dude become an item?". I know I don't have to snoop but seeing this stuff with my own eyes is more painful than I can ever explain in words.
> 
> And to the other members who have posted their own struggles in this thread, please know I am not ignoring you. I have read your stories and I feel your pain. I'm just in my own world right now, kind of numb.


Even if they weren't lies, I am not saying they are true, he shouldn't allow another woman to bash you. Also, he should be talking to you about these problems not her.

My wife did the "divorce what if" with her EA partner and I made it a near reality. That's how I showed her the seriousness of her misbehavior. The only thing that saved her was it was about NOT getting a divorce.


I'd print out that email and say:

"Here, now you can try too win her heart before she gets attached to her date."


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