# Hubby repulses me



## bhappy3

No, he's not fat, we're just in the lowest point we've ever been in our relationship and I cannot stand the thought of being physical without our clothes on. I told him I do not want him touching me sexually, yet he continues to try to "accidentally" brush up against me or snag a grab as I'm rolling out of bed. This absolutely repulses me and makes me want to scrub my skin off.

I don't mind a hug or non-sexual touching, but when it comes anywhere near my "areas", I can't stand it. Why does he disregard my wishes and touch me anyway? 

Last night I asked him pretty much that question and he told me that he needs to feel intimate sometimes, too. All I can see in my head is all those years that he denied me sex when *I* needed it, and now he needs it and I'm just supposed to freely give it to him? I think not. 

I don't know how to get beyond this. He says he thought about going to counseling, but never called. I asked him to learn to type, which he tried for a week, then quit. I asked him to learn about improving the relationship, but nothing. It's just all about him.


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## MarkTwain

bhappy3 said:


> It's just all about him.


Are you sure?


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## marina72

my experience has been that it is never just all about one person versus the other.... even in times when I feel like it's all about my husband, when I stop, and really think hard about it, I usually realize , that it's about me too. It is very hard for anyone that is hurting, to look at if from the other persons point of view. I have had sex issues with my hubby in the past.... and we still don't make love as often as I'd like. But although it hurts me, I had to look at it from his perspective. Plus, he's got documented low Testosterone, so , I cant' exactly get that angry. It's not so low he can't get an erection and have sex, it's just that he doesn't want to do it very much. But I love him, so I try my best to think of it in terms of how it affects both of us, instead of just me. 

I know how you feel bhappy.. I've been denied sex, in some form or another. And he's hurt you so long, that now your sexual feelings for him are damaged. The only thing that might work is some strong therapy, if you're so repulsed by him you want to wash yourself if he merely brushes up against you. That is a feeling that stems from deep deep hurt.... I have felt that before.

My hubby pretty much stopped sex altogether when I was pregnant, and it killed me. I cried every day, I felt ugly, fat, worthless, and like a non-human, non-woman.... after the baby was born, I had so much anger, and resentment, and pain... that I kind of felt the way you do, replused... but I realized I had to either forgive him, for hurting me so... or our marriage probably would not survive... so, I worked on it, within myself.. and tried hard to see his perspective on it. And after time, and with us being best friends.... I eventually forgave him, and myself, and I moved past it. We still don't have sex enough to statisfy me, maybe once a month... but it's better than none at all. And I know that he loves me, so I'm in it for the long haul. I feel for you, as it's hard to have the sex part lacking in any marriage, if one or both partners desire it.


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## bhappy3

MarkTwain said:


> Are you sure?


I'm not sure about anything right now except that I'm really hurt and have no idea how to get past it. 

If you can point out how this is all about me, please do. 

Marina, thank you so much for your story.


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## louise1957

bhappy3, I feel the same way! I thought I was a unique freak! However, my origin for this feeling is different. I see other women talking about 'wanting it more'...and I can NOT perceive this feeling. --I want to crawl out of my skin at the thought of being in that 'situation' with my husband!


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## bhappy3

louise... I am that girl that used to want it all the time and when I was in my 20's I used to think I'd want it forever and couldn't imagine my life without it. When I got married I vowed to myself that I would always keep my husband happy and not turn into one of those wives who always "had a headache." But things happened and I got very hurt emotionally. And the sex desires went away quickly. What is the basis for your repulsion? There has to be something that's leading you to not want it.


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## louise1957

I'm not sure. It's not his weight...though I am not happy about it. I myself have put on 20lbs after a quick menopause! I think that since my drive is completely gone it causes me to feel repulsed. I don't even like to get undressed for bed, or come out of the shower in front of him. I get that freakin' smeark on his face and it has started to anger me! For some reason I feel more than grossed out, more than repulsed at the first touch of his toward intimacy!

I almost have a reaction that a person who has been raped feels. Yet, I have been lucky and have NOT been raped. So why the same feeling? 

I've given him only part of my reason for not wanting that kind of intimacy. I can't see completely destroying the man by telling him what I've just said! We've spent .. closer to 3 decades together.. and if we could NEVER even think about this subject, if HE could never think of this subject,,,then we could live happly together as 'Asexuals'. Happly, really. Buddies.

And why do I feel trapped? Is it because of the years? Is it because he's ill now and I would be a complete jerk if I left now? He may very well outlive me, don't get the wrong impression. But as the years go on he will be more and more dependant on me to help with normal daily tasks. 

However, my bloodpressure is sky high, my triglicerides are over 400 and I"m a walking heart attack! I had -several- of his family members come visit with us. All at one time! And they stayed for over 3 months! I was at a breaking point and blew before they left! With my husband. And it was ugly! They're gone. All's fine. But never again!!

I've spoke to my gyno over the past 5 years about my 'intimacy problems' and I NEVER get any real help. If I were a guy and told my doc that I had no desire for sex anymore, the doc would jump on it right now....ya know, 'here's some viagra, dude'. Pisses me off. 
Sorry.


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## revitalizedhusband

We here on this forum obviously have no idea what he has done to you bhappy, to make you feel this way.

However, we do have an idea what you are doing to him, and I know if for whatever reason my wife ever felt this way about me, it would literally kill me, put me in a place that I would feel 1 inch tall, a moron, a worthless piece of crap, etc..you get the picture.

If I was in your husband's shoes, I would have a hard time coping with it and would have a hard time living in that type of relationship.

FYI, my wife and I are both 30, have been married for 9 years, and for the first 8 years our sex life was good, but not great. Her drive was never even close to mine and I would get rejected a lot. We might average once or twice a week over the first 8 years. In the last year she has finally "opened up" and now our sex life is great. Yes, I still want it slightly more than her (I'm a guy) but we are averaging around 4 times a week now, maybe 5.


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## MarkTwain

louise1957-

Is it possible that your causes are covered in my article: Sexless Marraige?. It's a long read...


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## bhappy3

revitalizedhusband, here's what he's put me through... 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-i-think-i-figured-out-problem-s-finally.html

In addition to that list, his vacation time was always planned around him. The family would get 1/3 of his vacation time, if that.


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## louise1957

revitalizedhusband ,
This is why I do not tell him the whole story. My intention is NOT to destroy the man! If you met him I guarantee that you would think he was a great guy. Everyone who meets him thinks that! Everyone that works for him thinks that. And quite frankly, if I were not married to him for almost 3 decades, I think he's a great guy too!!
I know. It makes no sense. And I've been to every doctor I could fit into the calendar, from October to the end of December....when our deductable was met!!!! From a doc for my head, to my eyes, my teeth, to my intern, to my gyno, to a gastro doc (gotta love that colonoscopy!) NO ONE can find a freaky thing wrong! Well, except I have, er had, no vitamen B6 in my body, my bones are starting to show signs of a possible density problem on the way, and my uterus is just starting to fall downward....a possible side effect of menopause.....yes, menopause! I completely missed the part that women say is their sexual peak! I was waiting for that, and I was devastated 2 years ago when it happened. Oh so glad that I didn't have to mess with the monthly mess (I could have thrown a party). But then, a few months later it hit me. 'Hey, where the hell is MY peak. This sucks'!!!
And I'll say it again, if it were my husband running to the doc to say he was repulsed at the thought of intimacy with his wife....the doc would jump all over it and supply him with a little 'pill'! The industry wil not address the same problem in women. Do you know why?
Because no man wants their woman to have the same 'drive' as they do! Look at those 3rd world countries who circumsize their young GIRLS for just that reason. Then there is much less of a chance that they will have an affair on them. 
I tell my gyno, who is a man, that I am sexually repulsed by my husband....get help, hahahaha
I tell my head doc the same, and get the same help...nothing.

So, if anybody had the answers to this I'm all ears.
I understand why bhappy3 feels the way she does....I don't know if her hubby can undo the damage he has caused their marriage before it's too late. I actually heard these words come out of a certain man's mouth: 'She'll get over it. She always does.' But, what if you wait too long??? There's always that straw ya know.


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## MarkTwain

louise1957 said:


> So, if anybody had the answers to this I'm all ears.


See if you can find yourself mentioned somwhere in my article:
Sexless Marraige?


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## revitalizedhusband

louise: I believe viagra is not to get the mail sex drive up, its to help fix an unworking "member". 

If the man feels utterly repulsed by his wife, as you do about your husband, there are no pills to fix that just like for you.


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## adp79

I got to that point with a couple of my long-term ex-boyfriends and there is definitely nothing wrong with my sex drive. My problem with them was that they were so mean to me that the thought of being intimate with them disgusted me. Now I'm in a marriage where I want to have sex and can't get it (well he does give it up if I initiate but it's really be nice for him to do it once in a while). I guess that's my payback for withholding sex from my exes. Go figure! I swear I think the reason I married him was because he was the first guy I'd been with that wasn't mean to me. Sure do wish I hadn't jumped the gun on that one! LOL


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## justean

bhappy3 said:


> I don't mind a hug or non-sexual touching, QUOTE]
> 
> if you were so repulsed by him- you wouldnt want n e contact whatsoever.
> you wouldnt even be in the same bed.
> 
> your giving mixed messages to him. thats why hes stil trying.
> im afraid your fooling yourself on this issue.
> if you dont want him, let him go.


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## bhappy3

Counseling starts Monday. We'll see just how far gone it really is and if it can come back. 

good point Justean =)


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## justean

i think you can get it back - if you want it.


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## louise1957

I wish you all the best, bhappy3! How long have you been married again?
At one point hubby and I went to a marriage councelor. He wasn't very good. He kept slapping me on the knee, you know, in that 'what do ya think about that' kind of way. So I told my husband that we needed to change chairs because of it. We did. Do you know that man went out of his way to keep doing it?! That's when my husband stopped thinking I was 'imagining it'. And we stopped going.
Then one time we went to a weekend group marriage therapy thing. It was called 'Retrovie', the spelling I'm not sure of. But it's pronounced the way I spelled it. That was a great program. It didn't work miracles overnight. But, by following the program we were able to stay together this long!!

OH, and MarkTwain, I read your piece you direct us all to. So,,,,do you have a solution to those senerios, or did you just figure out the why's and that's it??
Cause yes, I found the 'why' in there! And it's not just about the past....sometimes it still happens!

What do ya all think about this:
We have a jet tub in our master bath. I have asked that if the jets are gonna be used,,,that a shower to get clean be taken first. Because getting body oil and dirt and soapscum out of the jets and motor is so difficult, 8 hours and....well you get it. 
Sounds reasonable? Yes or no?
I have been ignored, each time I was nearly pleeding, but no;;;'his body is hurting from the illness he has', so no shower, just a horribly filthy tub and jet system. And I can never use the jet's on the tub for me ever again. Yellow scum collects in the corners and all around the sides of the tub while the jets are running!
So, completely ignoring my plees, so I might be able to use the jet tub also, have made ME feel unvalidated.
Am I unreasonable?


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## MarkTwain

louise1957 said:


> OH, and MarkTwain, I read your piece you direct us all to. So,,,,do you have a solution to those senerios, or did you just figure out the why's and that's it??
> Cause yes, I found the 'why' in there! And it's not just about the past....sometimes it still happens!


Can you pinpoint the main issue?


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## bhappy3

We've been to two marriage counselors in the past. The first one we would have kept going to, but our schedules weren't in sync and she was out of the area more than she was in it. Then we went to another one for a few times, but neither of us felt like we were making any progress. The thing about both of them is that they looked right at my H and told him he was selfish and asked why he was wondering why I felt this way. So hmm, is it any wonder we're going back? It was never resolved, it deteriorated more, and here I am ready to throw the towel in.


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## iheartlamps

Men need physical connection and intimacy. That is just how it works. I realize you may be repulsed by him(of course you both need to work this issue out and TALK...talk to him, nothing gets solved by not talking, but if I was with someone and they rejected me constantly...honestly I would be very hurt and probably leave them if things continued. That is how much "I" need it, sex is more then just sex. Mentally if you are ready to throw in the towel, chances are you will.


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## Kbobby

Hi bhappy3

Would you consider reevaluate the attraction factor between you and your hubby? And if you do a honest check and feel that over the years, it has subtly eroded, it is never too late to recharge that again.

As a suggestion, talk to him on the missing puzzles here. Putting aside who's right or wrong, take initiative to right the wrong. Communicate clearly and honestly what you want from him and also let him communicate what he wants too. Quit being judgmental to each other. Respect each other. 

Let the love and longing for each other blossom again. Nothing like a new romance to start things all over. And along the way, look for new things to look forward to as a couple.

KB
yup2life,com


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## louise1957

MarkTwain said:


> Can you pinpoint the main issue?


He's the nice guy that everyone walks over. And he allows it. And like I said earlier, you won't find a single person out there in the world that does not like him!

Yet, if I ask him not to throw MY things out...he doesn't listen and I see my things (that he didn't want) sitting out at the curb. Regularly.

If I ask for something to be done around the house....I get a 'ahuh' and it's completely ignored, never gets done. When confronted about why something isn't done I find out it's cause HE didn't agree with my request.

Thursday night I asked him to take my car seat down from the top of the garage, where he put it, and it's getting filthy!!! He said, 'sure, I'll get it down tomorrow'. It's saturday and I got a ladder out and pulled it down myself today.

I asked him to cut the dog's claws.....2 weeks ago. And I've reminded him by carefully asking him when he might have time, or when he had decided to do it.....etc. About every other day. The dog loves to play by jumping high. (she's a sensitive dog really) But when she does she has litterally cut the skin on my thigh right through my slacks. And I'm scratched all over my hands and right leg..................and he's seen it happen!

Last night he laughed at one of my ideas....and called it retarded. And this is only the past week. Think about the past 25 plus years!

Pinpointed enough??


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## MarkTwain

louise1957 said:


> Pinpointed enough??


Cewl!

So if you will indulge me further, can you boil that down to one sentence that expresses your disgust and resentment?

And then I promise I will answer you original question.


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## snix11

iheartlamps said:


> Men need physical connection and intimacy. That is just how it works.


I used to think so, but mine doesn't. So maby it's not a guy thing?? I think it's more a person thing than a gender thing...


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## snix11

Oh Mark Let me!!! 

He's not respecting her


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## sunnygirl

My sister went through this exact thing with her husband. There were years that he was denying her sex and then the situation reversed. They ended up separating. Then they got back together. I believe they got some counseling. They are happier than ever now. So there IS hope. You just have to be able to forgive him and not feel resentment.


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## bhappy3

sunnygirl said:


> My sister went through this exact thing with her husband. There were years that he was denying her sex and then the situation reversed. They ended up separating. Then they got back together. I believe they got some counseling. They are happier than ever now. So there IS hope. You just have to be able to forgive him and not feel resentment.


Thank you sunny for the ray of hope. I haven't heard of a recouperation story yet from something like this. You have given me hope. For right now though I am still extremely resentful. I can see the slightest hints (and I mean EVER so slight) of me thinking about beginning to start to consider thinking of loosening up. I am HYPER sensitive to everything he says and does now. I think the forgiveness and lessening of resenement will happen in time. This whole complete crumble is all very new and wide open raw at the moment. It's going to take time, as the issue didn't happen overnight, and it's not going to go away in a month either. Thank you. =)


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## bhappy3

Louise, it's the same thing with my mother in law... she works in a nursing home in the housekeeping department. So, she tidies people's rooms all day long. You would never know it by walking into her house... it's a DUMP, crusty and filthy.

It's almost like the house is an outlet for her, and for your husband. They are ship-shape all day, and when they get home, it's no holds barred.


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## LOVETAKESWORK

Dear bhappy3, how very sad I was at your reports. I commend you for not giving up. Your husband definitely needs a wake up call, but for the long-term health of your marriage I would like to recommend some time-tested actions one, go back over the history of your marriage and courtship and write down the things that your husband did to make you happy, also write down the things you like about him I am sure you can make a list no matter how hurt you are. Think about these things in the days ahead when you are most frustrated with him. Next be honest with yourself what have you done wrong in your marriage, I haven't meet a husband or wife yet that is guiltless. By taking responsibility for your actions you should find the ability to forgive him for his no matter how unbalanced your failures to his appear to be to you. Not to sound like I am taking your husband’s side I am certainly not, and I understand your husband is very selfish but you have probably enabled some of this behavior over the years of your marriage and the worse thing you could do right now is play the “the blame game”. The most balanced and happy people I know have a health measure of responsibility going on in their lives. Also do not give over to self-pity or selfishness as this will not give you what you truly desire. If I haven’t worn you out yet I highly recommend connecting up with some woman in your life that have successful marriages, don’t make the mistake of so many dear woman seeking comfort and support from peers that have failed marriages, as the old saying rings true “misery loves company”. You would do well do find a mentor woman in your life that can support you, love you, and provide you with good counsel. Your husband would do well to find the same and would greatly benefit from a men’s accountability group. If you are Christians many churches offer these type of support systems, but you must be careful in navigating a new church as churches are filled with unhealthy, broken people too and teaming up with the wrong church or wrong people can make things worse not better. Time and patience is the most important factor in all this. As hard as it is for you at this time to process, please consider your husband’s needs too, men are weak and the last thing you want is to push him in the comforting arms of another woman. Wishing you much success, wholeness and true happiness along your journey ahead!


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## marina72

Hi bhappy,

lovetakeswork makes some very good points and recommendations.

I posted a response to you a few days back, and like I said, I have had a similar problem, with my hubby, albeit not for as long as it sounds like you have. We got married and 4 months later I was pregnant, which of course was planned, but, after I got pregnant, and especially once I began to show, he completely cut me off. He didn't look at me, he even tried not to accidentally look at me, while we would change, or if he ran into me getting out of the tub, or any time I was naked. He was clearly turned off by my pregnant shape, and I was HUGE! LOL.... but, since there was no sex, I was so hurt, I was angry, I was resentful, I felt like the lowest life form there is, like I was not human, or a woman, deserving of love, affection, and sex from my husband. He knew it was hurting me, but for whatever reason, he just didn't want sex.

He said it wasn't my appearance, but I strongly felt it was. Long story short, whatever was the cause of him not wanting me, whether my shape, or my hormones, or his feelings about pregnant women, it was what it was, and eventually I had the baby. 

It took me a long time to get past the anger, and hurt, and pain, I felt because of his denial of me when I was pregnant. And for the longest time, what seemed like an eternity to me, I hated him, not really, but when I was angry, I felt like I did. I felt guilty of course, for feeling so cross at him, but I couldn't help it.

I didn't want him to even touch me, hug me, kiss me, or anything. I was so hurt at his abandonment of me while I was pregnant, that to be honest, I thought of leaving a few times, because I just couldn't imagine ever having a normal relationship with him again, or ever having sex, or being close to him again. What you're feeling is something many have felt.

I decided I wantd my marriage, and I had promised God, and myself, and him, that I'd always be there. So, I hunkered down, and really prayed, hard, for God to give me a way or show me, or guide me, in how to get past the anger I felt , and the hurt. I thought, pondered, meditated, and just in general, tried hard to see his point of view. but mostly, I had to forgive not only myself for feeling such animosity towards him, but also I had to forgive him, for hurting me so much. 

It was hard to do, but eventually, over time.... I began to see him differently. I began to open up to him, and we reconnected. Granted, all this was not over the course of years, as it has been for you, so it's very hard, to jump back from that much pain and disappointment, but I just wanted to let you know that it can be done. If you truly want it. It's all about how you look at it, and how much you want it to change/

Bottom line, you will have to forgive him, if you want to make ti work. Whether you're a religous person, or not, forgiveness can still be achieved. So even if you're not into praying, or asking for help from God. Whether you believe or not, you can still do it.

Trust me on this, if you really let go... just let it all go, and think of him in a way of pure love, no outside influences, no past hurts, or anger, no expectations , only love. You can decide whether or not you want this to work, and can then work towards forgiving him. You'll never be able to forgive him, until you learn to let what he's done to hurt you, go. I hope you can do it, as it sounds like there is a lot of potential for the two of you. Good luck, and many blessings.


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## bhappy3

lovetakeswork... thank you so much. I know I really need some older, knowledgeable influence in my life, but not being a religious person, and certainly not attending churches, that's hard to find. I can't just borrow someone's mom and use them. That's part of what's so hard on me, that I have no wisdom to turn to. No mom, no mother in law, no family. 

You sure do have some excellent suggestions, and are so proactive about it. Thank you so much. Thank you for the support that we can get it back. 

We had counseling today for the first time. I know I have pain to let go of. I know I have a lot of resentment to let go of. I need to see that he knows the pain I am in and what I'm going through. I need to know that he understands what I've been through. Then I can move forward. I have his full attention now, and that's also something I have to work on getting past because I didn't have his full attention until I exclaimed, "I"M DONE!" and took off my rings. Why did he have to wait til that point to get proactive about changing things? 

That was only a month ago, so I'm ever so slightly coming around. During the years I would cry and cry over this stuff. A month ago when I decided that I was done, there was no more crying. I was completely blank and really couldn't have cared less about anything that happened with us. Now I'm finally starting to cry about it a little bit again. I think that's progress, even if it is ever so slight. 

Marina, thank you so much, too. Very proactive advice. I'm so sorry to hear your story. That is horrible. I think a pregnant body is the most beautiful body. Thank you for the hope. I do have much more pain and resentment than you do, as yours was just one issue, not 12+ years worth of life. 

Right now I'm in the tiniest of baby steps (remember the movie What About Bob... baby steps). Very small baby steps. It's coming, and like you both say, it's going to take time. It's only been a month since I crumbled completely. The tears are a tiny baby step. 

I just want to thank you guys for the support and the hope. Now I know that it CAN come back from the worst point. And if not... what do I have to lose? At least I'll know I tried everything and gave my ALL. Thank you everyone!


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## marina72

hey, you know what they say. How do you eat an Elephant? One bite at a time! okay, no one would really eat an elephant, but you get the idea! It's a big problem, that's taken years to get to this point , and you're on the right track! one day at a time. Good luck to you.


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## bhappy3

I am very happy to say that we had a very awesome round of sex last night... something I didn't think was even remotely possible. I let the guard down enough. Of course it helped that there was some external relationship stimulation here beforehand. But we both really enjoyed it... BOTH of us. 

Ya know, I've never heard the elephant analogy... funny! But it makes perfect sense. I think I took my second bite last night. =)


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## marina72

That's Awesome! I'm very happy for you, it sounds like you're really getting somewhere. The fact that you were able to let your guard down enough to let him get close to you, and share your bodies again, is so great and says a lot about your dedication and willingness to forgive him for hurting you. Keep taking those elephant bites! Keep everyone posted....


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## snix11

Yea!!!!!!!!!


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## bhappy3

~sniffle~ Thanks guys. =)


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## LOVETAKESWORK

Bhappy, you are most welcome. How very exciting to hear that your husband and you had an intimate encounter. This is great news!
I want to encourage you to continue to talk to your husband and don’t let up on communication and counseling as this is what you need. Continue to reflect and think through what you want from your husband for you and your children and communicate this to him. There is no perfect marriage, my wife and I have been married for over two decades and like everyone we have had our peaks and valley times, the most successful thing my wife and I have done is take time to communicate our needs to each other and the needs of our family and work on our ability to effectively communicate to each other. This is not easy we have both had very good mentors in our lives attended marriage seminars and have been surrounded by those who would love, encourage and support us. Trust me when I say it was not always like this, it took time, lots of work and if it’s ok to say, God. My wife and I almost got divorced 15 years ago and I do mean divorced we were separated for 3 months and both had attorneys. I have to say as a grew in my relationship with God and my understanding of His love and the love he wants me to have in my heart for my wife, my children, and my fellow man all the relationships in my life experienced healing and wholeness. Please don’t give up on finding a supporting community. They are out there but it takes time to find one that fits you and that is right for your family. Ask God for these things, a healthy loving church, friends that will love, support and guide you, a new era in your marriage where you experience healing, wholeness and fulfillment. Our Father in Heaven loves it when we ask these things and loves to help give us these things. In the short-term, consider a video series my wife and I and several couples we know enjoyed and benefited from. The series is called “HIDDEN KEYS TO LOVING RELATIONSHIPS” by Gary Smalley and can be purchased on eBay very inexpensively. They have been made for both a husband and wife to watch together. If you like to read, you will enjoy a number of the books he has out too. If I haven’t overwhelmed you yet, consider Rick Warren’s Best Selling Book: “The Purpose Driven Life” this is a great book! Bhappy keep up the great work! Wishing you blessings and much success.


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## bhappy3

Thank you LOVETAKESWORK for your time. I am kind of a shy person, kind of reserved, don't put myself out there too much, so finding a support group is kind of hard for me, but I do use the few people I do have. Maybe I should join some organized support groups, as in Fight Club!! haha As far as asking a god for help... seeing as how I don't believe there even is a god, that's certainly out of the question. I may as well go ask the tree in my yard for help; I'd get the same result. Changing my mind on that is not even up for consideration. So I'll respect your choice to believe if you'll respect mine not to. Having said that, I need to know if the books are faith based.

Otherwise, our relationship is getting better. Hubby has allowed me something that I've wanted for our entire relationship. So, he's making progress, I can only afford him the same. I am going to be much more prone to tearing down my wall now that he's taking a step towards thinking of me and him not being so selfish. I am elated and will reward him well ~ or maybe I shouldn't be so quick to say that yet? 

I'm just glad things are getting better. I coulnd't stay in that funk for too much longer.


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## snix11

What did Hubby allow you that is helping you tear down the wall and forgive him? If only I could find that same trigger in my husband...


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## bhappy3

Oh come on snix... you're on Mark's forum, aren't you (or there's another snix out there)? 

I think the actual trigger for my H was when I took off my rings that I have never ever taken off for anything (other than to mix burger with my hands). That's when he knew I was serious and truly was giving up and didn't give a sh*t. It pisses me off that it had to come to that point, for me to be so far gone, to get his attention. The other night he said that he's willing to do almost anything at this point to try to bring us back. He knew what I wanted.


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## MarkTwain

bhappy3 said:


> Oh come on snix... you're on Mark's forum, aren't you (or there's another snix out there)?


Please Please, no schizophrenia - that's all I need


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## briannak

I think your husband and my husband might be brothers. EEEKKK Sorry about you having a SHREK too.


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## LOVETAKESWORK

Dear Unhappy, first let me say that although Gary Smalley is a Christian, the video series I recommended has very little Christian content as it was made for everyone. Gary Smalley holds a PHD in Psychology and is extremely seasoned and highly regarded in many circles as an authority on relationships. I know both you and your husband will benefit from his work. As for his books even if there is something Christian in them you can easily take what benefits you “relationship-communication” advise and leave the rest behind. I read and listen to a number of authorities who do not share my personal spiritual views, and still am the benefactor of their wisdom and knowledge. I am sorry to hear you are shy and my gosh I would definitely not recommend the fight club, unless you want to use physical force as part of your arsenal of conflict resolution and communication tools . I don’t know what activities your children are involved in, but youth and community groups are usually a great place to connect and meet other peers. In reference to community groups your local soup kitchen, food bank, or hospital are great places too, but I caution you to trod patiently and carefully as you choose your friends. Remember we live in a country were most people are broken and wholeness is but a dream for many. In reference to the “God” issue I will not bring this matter up again in any replies to you. I believe God gives everyone freewill to make up their own mind whether to believe in Him or not, and I do not make it a practice to work against such freedoms. I want you to know I respect your decision and am sure you did not arrive at it lightly I know countless people in your situation that have arrived at a state of unbelief because of a multitude of reasons usually with their root in broken-trust and misconceptions of who God really is. If you would indulge some last thoughts on this topic I would venture to guess that your real issue isn’t with a God in who you don’t believe but individuals in your past who professed to believe in this God. There is a bumper sticker out there on the roads that reads: “I don’t have problem with Jesus just Christians” sadly this sums up the thinking of many individuals who have retained their belief but will more than likely never grace a place of worship with their presence again. Anyway glad to hear your making progress! Relationships, love, marriage, and parenting, all difficult stuff but all worth fighting for! Remember all this stuff is a journey not a destination! Take care dear one and I will be watching for more reports.


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## bhappy3

briannak said:


> I think your husband and my husband might be brothers. EEEKKK Sorry about you having a SHREK too.


haha... Shrek... never thought of it that way, but very well put!!! LOL shrek!!!!!

LTW ~ apparently there is some meaning to a month grieving period for me or something. When my brother decided to permanently stay in France, I was seriously DEPRESSED for an entire month. After the month, I was fine again. Same thing with my H situation. We went through a month of truly sitting on the fence before I started to even address it in my head and come to terms with what is actually going on and begin to work through it. 

I will check out the books when this semester is over in May. Thank you. 

Have you seen Fight Club? I was referring to the beginning of the movie when the nameless character Ed Norton plays, starts going to a whole bunch of different support groups to fill an attachment void in his life. 

A journey, not a destination... you are so right. And that's why I'm here... to get other perspectives on things. I'm not unfamiliar with the concept, but sometimes when we get so low, we lose sight of some of the most basic facts. 

Having said that, I am not trying to suggest that I'm so low that I'm shunning a god. The idea has never made sense to me all my life. I was raised in a church and it just never clicked with me. With that as a base, yes, I have seen many two-faced hypocryts come out of churches. My reasoning behind my atheism is more scientific than emotional. As posted on my mysapce page:

"Animals do not have gods, they are smarter than that." - Ronnie Snow (this is probably the root of my questioning as a young child - it never made sense to me why animals didn't have to worship or be married)

"If we expect god to subscribe to one religion at the exclusion of all the others, then we should expect damnation as a matter of chance. This should give Christians pause when expounding their religious beliefs, but it does not." - Sam Harris

"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours." - Stephen Roberts

sorry this one is long...

"You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Joe Pesci. Two reasons; first of all, I think he's a good actor. Okay. To me, that counts. Second; he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't **** around. Doesn't **** around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with. For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog. Joe Pesci straightened that ****-sucker out with one visit.
I noticed that of all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers that I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50 percent rate. Half the time I get what I want. Half the time I don't. Same as God 50-50. Same as the four leaf clover, the horse shoe, the rabbit's foot, and the wishing well. Same as the mojo man. Same as the voodoo lady who tells your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles. It's all the same; 50-50. So just pick your superstitions, sit back, make a wish and enjoy yourself.
And for those of you that look to the Bible for it's literary qualities and moral lessons; I got a couple other stories I might like to recommend for you. You might enjoy The Three Little Pigs. That's a good one. It has a nice happy ending. Then there's Little Red Riding Hood. Although it does have that one X-rated part where the Big Bad Wolf actually eats the grandmother. Which I didn't care for, by the way. And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I liked best: "and all the king's horses, and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again." That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None. Not one. Never was. No God." -- George Carlin (attributed: source unknown)

Personally, I think a god is more a state of mind than an actual being. I think it's more of people convincing themselves to do good and live by certain guidelines. Personally, I don't need an imaginary friend "watching over me" to follow my own moral code. But that's just me. I respect your decision to do what you do. =)


Anyway, we're working on the relationship, and I can see hope in the future. Things will turn around and I'm now willing to work on it and start giving a little bit more of a s**t about it. That's a huge improvement from a month ago. We're in counseling. If things don't work out after all this, at least I can say that I tried all I could try, gave it my valiant effort. 

Thank you all soooooooooo much for all your help and suggestions and support!!!


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## bhappy3

LOVETAKESWORK said:


> Dear Unhappy,


This bothers me. I do try to be a happy person. I try to look at the positive in situations. I know things don't seem so bright for me in this thread, but to label me unhappy is a negative step. It doesn't help to encourage the positive thinking that will help to bring me out of the funk I'm in. Think positive.


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## louise1957

LOVETAKESWORK said:


> Dear Unhappy, first let me say that although Gary Smalley is a Christian I know both you and your husband will benefit from his work.
> -------------------------------------------
> I'm sorry, LOVETAKESWORK, but you know nothing. You see a snapshot in time of someone...who is pouring their heart out about _'what it's come to.'_ You have put your faith in a person. He's only a person. He's not God. He didn't write the bible. And he has a psychology background. Don't you see? Spirituality and Psychology are at odds. And those people are the ones that lead others to drink lethal kool-aid. They have the best of all arsenals to use in getting people to follow them!
> 
> Let me see, I believe it's 2nd Timothy Chapter 4 verse 3: "....in accordance with their own desires, they will accumulate for themselves, teachers who will tickle their ears."
> 
> Sorry everyone. I'm off my soap box.


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