# Not Sexually Attracted to My Husband



## Spiritualwife (Mar 27, 2017)

Hello Folks:

I am 30 years old, my husband is 32, our son is 3. We have been together for 10 years, married for 5. We both had healthy childhoods. We had (I believe) a solid relationship and I was very, very much in love for many years. However, I am about to open a a can of worms.

After I had my child, I suffered from acute PPD. I kept saying "nobody was taking care of me." I think PPD is one of these issues that there is very little research, and not paid enough attention. I will do anything I can to advocate for anyone suffering from PPD. I was very unwell. I loved my boy but I just felt an overwhelming burden and I didnt feel connected to him. I also resented my husband for pushing/bullying into having a child. I just felt like I had more time and that he robbed me of that. I don't feel this way anymore but I did at the time (Becoming a mom is one of the best things I have done with my life). My mom and aunt were highly concerned and would come over and help. My mom always says tensions were so high and it felt like I was at a funeral. Again, I dont feel this way anymore. That boy is the light of my life. But it was very real and to top it all off I was having huge issues breastfeeding that caused even more turmoil. 

You can imagine that while this was happening to me that the last thing of my mind was sex. Not even 2 to 3 weeks after PP my husband started groping me and feeling me up. I would tell him "please stop!" He would but not even a few hours later he would be waiting with me with a boner. I didnt want it. I didnt want to be touched like that. I was very unwell. I begged him to masturbate (which is a whole other problem). He said he wouldn't. I went to my PP check-up and came back a lied to him about when the dr gave me the okay to have sex-trying to buy myself more time. He kept on with the advances with the pressure just continuing to mount. Finally, I just had sex and it was the most unpleasant thing. The whole time I wanted him to get off me and push him off me. It was painful emotionally and physically. The way he was kissing me, his smell which was intoxicating to me just disgusted me. That day everything changed. My desire for him. We had sex a few more times until I told him I couldn't anymore (every time I felt the same disgust towards him). However, if you ask him those were some of the best days of his life...right after our boy was born. 

After I stopped breastfeeding, I started opening up to sex but it wasn't the same. Then for a a few months we struggled with his premature ejaculation problems and it made sex even worse. I now have sex as a chore and it makes me quite sad. I know this might happen in all marriages but I am so young. We have had some good sex here and there but overall I just don't want him in that way. I have brought it up to him and he just gets angry and says "what BS I am." He basically starts litigating to prove I am incorrect. I have just stopped fighting. 

I am looking back at a lot of life and realize we have had issues with him pushing/bullying me sometime. Its like Dr. Jekel and Mr. Hyde. He is in many ways the model husband and I do think he loves me but sometimes I dont feel he likes me. When he gets mad at me he goes to town; he calls me stupid, an ignorant child, says women should be subservient, that I dont add value, that intellectually I cant even come close to him. I am really into the moon and I am little superstitious (always been) and he says I am ****ing idiot for believing in that (it shows my low IQ), a conformist, that my dad is a loser (my dad has had several failed businesses that put my family in financial strife growing up). He used to say my college education was a waste of money, that I had no business in college with my POS Mass Comm degree (mind you I have always had been able to get good paying PR jobs). I finally told him, if me going to college was such a huge mistake then we are a mistake because me going to college was the only way we could have met. He has now shut up about my student loans. There is this anger that I am not sure where it comes from. 

I realize that I dont think he loves my soul. 

But then he could be the perfect husband. He works his ass off for the family, he is a work horse. He helps and pitches in a ton around the household and he his a wonderful father. His goal in life is to be able to give me a life I can enjoy and not worry about money. He says I want you live the socialized life, let me worry about the drudgery that is everyday corporate grind life. He really is not possessive and gives me my freedom. But man can he have a wicked tongue. 

We have had these issues from the get go. And, we once almost broke up because of how vile and mean he was but I took him back. He used to have a porn addiction which I knew about but was letting him deal on his own. He then sought help through the church and has become a orthodox catholic. So he doesn't masturbate and the other day he got mad because I had vibrator (I had had one says I was 18. I told him he had no jurisdiction. He might have had an issue but never an issue for me.) We went back in forth. 

I can give more details. But sometimes I feel like I see my life and its perfect. I have nice clothes, a nice apartment, a loving husband, a beautiful child, I am taken care of but I feel so disconnected from it all. 

Sex is awkward, I always feel like he is kissing my incorrectly, holding me wrong, touching me wrong, pushing in too hard. It just feel so disjointed. I find myself fantasizing of what it is like to really make love with someone you really, really want. I miss that. 

I sometimes wonder if he acts up because he feels insecure because he feels my detachment from him. I do still try to have sex and keep my wifely duties. In many ways, I dont talk to him because not sure it can ago anywhere. I am also getting to the point where I dont have the fight in me. I am also not sure if he is right about the things he says about me. Maybe he is. I remember when this would happen in the beg of the relationship I would fight back but my sense of self is blurred. I asked him to spend sometime with me in the balcony, I wanted to see the moon, talk about life. He just talked about finances and what he wanted to talk about.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Did you get medical help and counseling/therapy with your PPD?

Your husband is emotionally abusive. Of course, he is not right about the insulting, belittleing things he says about you. 

Does he do things like throw/break thinks in anger, bang on furniture/walls/etc., hit you, grab you, push you? Or threaten to do these things.

When he's speaking/yelling in anger, does he get in your face and intimidate you?


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## Spiritualwife (Mar 27, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Did you get medical help and counseling/therapy with your PPD?
> 
> Your husband is emotionally abusive. Of course, he is not right about the insulting, belittleing things he says about you.
> 
> ...


He does not throw or break things, as he says that's for degenerates. 

He gets mad and does get in my face. He speaks in a dominating voice and then belittles me. My mom has seen this gone, she asked me if I was happy I said I wasn't. She said she could see what was happening but she was staying quite and that it hurt her. But like I said, its very hard because he is not like this all the time. He can be very pleasant, caring and loving. But like I said, I just don't feel he loves my soul and I don't feel I am "in love" with him. I would never say the things he says to me to him.


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## Spiritualwife (Mar 27, 2017)

Also, is it okay? What happened with the sex? I felt coerced. It didn't feel right. Would another husband have back down?


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## SuperConfusedHusband (Mar 19, 2017)

Spiritualwife said:


> He does not throw or break things, as he says that's for degenerates.
> 
> *He gets mad and does get in my face.* *He speaks in a dominating voice and then belittles me*. My mom has seen this gone, she asked me if I was happy *I said I wasn't.* She said she could see what was happening but she was staying quite and that it hurt her. But like I said, its very hard because he is not like this all the time. He can be very pleasant, caring and loving. But like I said, I just don't feel he loves my soul and I don't feel I am "in love" with him. I would never say the things he says to me to him.


That's emotional abuse (in bold). By definition.
No wonder you find him repulsive physically. CAn you leave and go stay with your mom for a while? See how he reacts. Typically they either way wise up or go completely crazy...then you know what to do.

Did you like sex with him before your son was born?


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## SuperConfusedHusband (Mar 19, 2017)

Spiritualwife said:


> Also, is it okay? What happened with the sex? I felt coerced. It didn't feel right. Would another husband have back down?


You kidding hun? When my wife says OR IMPLIES "no", I dont even keep trying. I think to myself "YESSS! I can go play with my computer and post stuff on TAM TalkAboutMarriage.com! or whatever.

It's super hard to fend somebody that wants to have sex with you but you dont want to...it did happened to me before it was aweful!!! Yes I'm a guy. And a husband (for now).


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## Spiritualwife (Mar 27, 2017)

SuperConfusedHusband said:


> That's emotional abuse (in bold). By definition.
> No wonder you find him repulsive physically. CAn you leave and go stay with your mom for a while? See how he reacts. Typically they either way wise up or go completely crazy...then you know what to do.
> 
> Did you like sex with him before your son was born?


Yes, I was very in love with him. After the PPD sex not really. It wasn't until all that I start to notice the issues in our relationship.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Spiritualwife said:


> He does not throw or break things, as he says that's for degenerates.
> 
> He gets mad and does get in my face. He speaks in a dominating voice and then belittles me. My mom has seen this gone, she asked me if I was happy I said I wasn't. She said she could see what was happening but she was staying quite and that it hurt her. But like I said, its very hard because he is not like this all the time. He can be very pleasant, caring and loving. But like I said, I just don't feel he loves my soul and I don't feel I am "in love" with him. I would never say the things he says to me to him.


Him getting in your face, ‘dominating’ and belittling you is abuse. It borderlines on physical abuse. The implied message of ‘getting in your face’ is that if you do not do what he wants he’s going to escalate to physical violence. Someday this will escalate to physical violence. It always starts out with what you have now, escalates over time and eventually turns physical. You can bank on that.

Of course, he is not like that all the time. If he was you would have left him and never married him. You need to read about the cycle of abuse. See the attached image and the link below. Abuse happens in a cycle. 

The purpose of abuse is to control. By verbally attacking you, insulting and belittling you he is tearing you down, destroying your self-esteem, which gives him more control over you. It also has the purpose of making him feel superior to you and it builds up his self-esteem to have someone who had can abuse and emotionally (and eventually physically) beat up.

His abuse is working pretty well too. Re-read everything you have written here. I’ll bet that there was a time when you were self-assured, had a lot of self-esteem. That’s all gone now. You are not even sure anymore if you deserved to be mistreated. How did that happen? What happened to you that you are now a shadow of yourself? (I am not saying this to hurt you. I’m saying to get you to pull back and look at what has happened to you… to get you to get pissed off and start taking care of yourself, protecting yourself.)

I’ll post more in a bit…..

The Cycle of Abuse


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Spiritualwife said:


> Also, is it okay? What happened with the sex? I felt coerced. It didn't feel right. Would another husband have back down?


There are two issues here.

One is that of course you don’t want sex with a man who emotionally abuses you. Why would you? No one would.

The other is that sex is a normal part of a healthy relationship. If you do not feel good about having sex with your husband that you BOTH need to either fix the marriage or get a divorce.

If you don’t want sex, and you tell him that you don’t want sex then he should not be pushing to you have sex. It would be reasonable for him to talk with you about how to fix the marriage and get things back to where you want sex with him. But it is not reasonable for him expect you to just have sex because he demands it.

When you have sex, is there any foreplay? Does he spend time trying to please you , give you an orgasm, etc?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Back to the cycle of a abuse. While they call it a cycle because there are usually very distinct phases in the behavior of the abuser, there is no cycle in the affect it has on the abused.

See, the effect of the abuse (the explosion) phase exists at all time. You probably walk on egg shells around him, unsure of how to behave because you are afraid that he’s going to explode again. For you, the victim, the it’s continuous. Though it does get worse as the tension builds and during the explosion. I’ve lived through this in a previous marriage. Just thinking about it gets to me. It’s a terrible way to live.

Have you considered divorce?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What about money? Do you two have joint bank accounts? Do you have free access to the income he earns? How is the money in your marriage handled?


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## Spiritualwife (Mar 27, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Him getting in your face, ‘dominating’ and belittling you is abuse. It borderlines on physical abuse. The implied message of ‘getting in your face’ is that if you do not do what he wants he’s going to escalate to physical violence. Someday this will escalate to physical violence. It always starts out with what you have now, escalates over time and eventually turns physical. You can bank on that.
> 
> Of course, he is not like that all the time. If he was you would have left him and never married him. You need to read about the cycle of abuse. See the attached image and the link below. Abuse happens in a cycle.
> 
> ...


Because I am not sure if I am smart or capable. I have relied on him too much. I really don't know if what he says about me is true. Maybe he is right? Maybe I am what he says. I don't have the strength to leave or put anything in motion because I don't have the finances. He also says that a woman after 30 marriage prospects go way down. That men like him (or the eligible bachelor in late 30s/early 40s is looking for a women in her mid-20s) Me at 30 with a child, I don't think I will ever get married again. He says I can't make it that without him I would have just been another liberal arts degree loser moving back home with my parents (and that could be true). I didn't have a job prospect when I graduated college and it took me 4 months of grinding to get find a job. My career, I wish I would have picked a different career, has been tough. The last 3 years, I have been mostly at home with my boy, I do real estate and take contract PR positions (which have paid me well). 

Like, its not a sob story. Maybe I am not smart or capable. I don't really care for a huge career. I don't. I have had it and it wasn't for me.

Also feel unfair posting badly about him because he has many redeeming qualities. But man, idk if I have the love in me for him anymore. I times I feel bad for him because he really does work hard. I know he tries to do right by me. 

Like, he met me and within two weeks I was his official gf. He was a sweet guy but I wanted to wait to have sex. I got really drunk one night and I went back to his place, I remember saying I wasn't sure I wanted to do it but we had sex anyways. I remember waking up and thinking "did we have sex?" and I was like "Damn, I didn't really want it to happen." I never gave it much importance or I rug swept it....but maybe that was very wrong.


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## Spiritualwife (Mar 27, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> What about money? Do you two have joint bank accounts? Do you have free access to the income he earns? How is the money in your marriage handled?


He handles all the money. Makes most of the money. I have some free access to the income he earns but my expenses get monitored (I do tend to like shopping). I will not solely put this one him, I really shy away from money and budgeting because money makes me nervous. Like I said, my parents went through some financial strife when I was younger and it makes me anxious.


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## Spiritualwife (Mar 27, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> There are two issues here.
> 
> One is that of course you don’t want sex with a man who emotionally abuses you. Why would you? No one would.
> 
> ...



I have looked back at it and when I was super in love I didn't realize how much sex was about him. This is very embarrassing but for a period of time, the foreplay was measuring how big his **** was. So sad. But I loved him and one day I said NO MORE! and he never asked for it again. There is some foreplay but not really. He just gets into it. I think sex was way easier back in the day when I could come very quickly. 

I also sometimes just don't want him down there. But like even when we are having foreplay its not about the foreplay (does that make sense?)


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

SW,

What an incredibly honest post. This is half the battle - you are able to speak the truth. 

The other half - will be more difficult - this will be to find a way to help your H 'hear' the truth. 

Perhaps we can help you with that. Your situation is common enough that you will find some kindred spirits here. 

Welcome to TAM





Spiritualwife said:


> Hello Folks:
> 
> I am 30 years old, my husband is 32, our son is 3. We have been together for 10 years, married for 5. We both had healthy childhoods. We had (I believe) a solid relationship and I was very, very much in love for many years. However, I am about to open a a can of worms.
> 
> ...


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Spiritualwife said:


> Hello Folks:
> 
> I am 30 years old, my husband is 32, our son is 3. We have been together for 10 years, married for 5. We both had healthy childhoods. We had (I believe) a solid relationship and I was very, very much in love for many years. However, I am about to open a a can of worms.
> 
> ...



Did you stop and think that the constant rejection is playing on your H mind? Your H works his butt off. You and your child are well taken care of. Your H is doing all the right things but when it comes to intimate connection time with his W is a struggle at best and certainly senses it is duty sex. It appears no matter what you H does...IT IS WRONG. If MC is not on the table you two might benefit from it.


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## Spiritualwife (Mar 27, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> Did you stop and think that the constant rejection is playing on your H mind? Your H works his butt off. You and your child are well taken care of. Your H is doing all the right things but when it comes to intimate connection time with his W is a struggle at best and certainly senses it is duty sex. It appears no matter what you H does...IT IS WRONG. If MC is not on the table you two might benefit from it.


Maybe? But it wasn't like that before at all. It wasn't after that PPD sex. I try not to reject him. But I don't agree with this post. I am not saying I don't have blame but in this post you make it all my fault.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Spiritualwife said:


> Maybe? But it wasn't like that before at all. It wasn't after that PPD sex. I try not to reject him. But I don't agree with this post. I am not saying I don't have blame but in this post you make it all my fault.


I was not pointing fault. Your post is entirely about your situation. What are your H true feelings in all of this. Before PPD all was good. Post PPD, in your own words, he does nothing right. 

Spiritualwife:


> Sex is awkward, I always feel like he is kissing my incorrectly, holding me wrong, touching me wrong, pushing in too hard. It just feel so disjointed. I find myself fantasizing of what it is like to really make love with someone you really, really want. I miss that.


How would you feel if your H felt this way about you? If I knew this about my W the marriage would be over.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Just walk away.
Find another man who loves you.
I'm sure you won't decide he smells bad, and he will take flawless care of you and will kiss you correctly, he will never tell or say bad things. 
He will be perfect.

My thoughts: any husband on the planet can be portrayed in a bad way based on isolated incidents if that's what dineone is trying too do.

You want to leave him?
Just do it.
You dont need anyone's approval.
If you think he's mistreating you and want sex with someone else, go get it.
Marriage is not a jail cell.
You are free.


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## Spiritualwife (Mar 27, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> I was not pointing fault. Your post is entirely about your situation. What are your H true feelings in all of this. Before PPD all was good. Post PPD, in your own words, he does nothing right.
> 
> Spiritualwife:
> 
> How would you feel if your H felt this way about you? If I knew this about my W the marriage would be over.


That's awful. I have not said he does NOTHING RIGHT. Did you read my other post? He is a great provider, a good husband, a great father. I obviously came in here because you think I want to feel the way I am feeling?! You think I want to not want my husband? You think I don't want to have good sex with him? You think I am making this all up. You think I want to live like I have for the last 3 years?!?!?!?!?!? You think that I have not felt terrible. You think I want to feel this way?!?!!?!?!?!!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My H like I said loves me but doesn't like me. I think is in love with me. I am the object of his affection but he doesn't love my soul.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Wow. There is a lot ther to work with. PPD is terrible. My cousin actually had her baby removed by the State and placed in the custody of her mother for a few months. My best friend's wife also went through PPD and their baby ended up with its grandparents for a few months. You are correct about how not enough attention and research has been done about it.

As for the sex and attraction problem, perhaps I can offer some advice based on my experience. My wife and I went through the same thing when we hit our sixties. My wife is bi and no longer had her girlfriend of 30 years in her life. She got depressed and sex without another women in bed with us was not doing it for her. She told me to my face that I was not the "Hottie" that she married who made all of her girlfriends jealous. I was now balding, gaining weight and not looking hot at all anymore. She said that she was not sexually attracted to me but still loved me.

I did what I have done before. We scheduled mandatory sex nights that we had to attend, tired or not in the mood. The idea is to start off with just talking or perhaps a little cuddling. Sex and even cuddling produces the hormone Oxytocin. Its purpose is to emotionally bond the couple together. The less sex you have, the less you want it and never will emotionally bond like you used to. Oxytocin is the same hormone that bonds you to your child. It is very powerful and important. It is why having sex with someone often leads to feelings and love. 

Try it. It works. Do in in complete darkness if you need to. Eventually you will start to feel emotionally intimate with your husband again. It has worked for us three times and is our goto sex life saver. It was recommended by a former MC friend of mine whose wife cheated on him and then divorced him. Still it is something that others say to try. It cannot hurt and there is a scientific basis for it. Research Oxytocin on your own to see what it does and how to get it activated in your brains. Love cannot be willed into or out of existence because it is a complex mix of brain chemicals of which Oxytocin is a part of. You cannot look at someone and wish to love him and presto, you are in love. Most times you cannot control love. It comes and goes due to genetic design and most times we do not know why. I saw my wife on a train, fell instantly in love as did she and in three weeks we were engaged and have been married for over 44 years. We were nonmonogamous on and off but that was mostly due to having our girlfriend live with us.

You can do something about producing emotional intimacy though. All you need to do is spend intimate time together and the more you do that, the more you will emotionally bond. That will lead to a desire for sex and attraction. My wife asked me why I still found her attractive since she is no spring chicken and aged worst than me. I told her that when I look at her, I still see the 19 year old girl that I married and still love. How she looks now does not change anything. We do have sex in the dark though. 

All is not lost. Try what I suggest and if you are both determined to fix the problem, you can fix it. You also need to be sexually open. Great sex comes from great communication. If my wife does not like how I kiss, she will tell me and vice versa. We also take responsibility for our own orgasms. Sometimes she needs a vibrator and so she uses one with my blessing. Sometimes I need to stimulate myself and we will masturbate side by side. We talk, we try different fetishes and most of all, we still love each other enough to look past the faults and do what it takes to made our sex life work. As a result, my wife has a minimum of 2 of her best ever orgasms every time we have sex. Sometimes by me and sometimes with BOB III, her third battery operated buddy. Sometimes the dog joins in, but he usually finds what we do boring and leaves. 

We also like to have fun during sex. We laugh a lot and physical attraction is not a problem anymore. It is dark so we cannot see much anyway and we just picture each other like we used to be and overlook things like the long scar my wife has from her hip replacement, my thinning hair and weight. I lost 45 lbs for her and she is fine where I am. I will admit that I did let myself go too far. I looked like I was pregnant since it all was in my stomach only. Now I just have a regular old man pot belly just like most of the old men in our retirement community. We struggled with old age. We were the couple that turned heads at nude beaches, got invited to swap and swing with other good looking couples and turned each other on with just looks alone. Now we turn each other on with our emotional bond and love. We are not going to get better looking no matter what.

Perhaps a Marriage Counsellor will help although the ones I knew had screwed up marriages of their own and more often than not are speed bumps on the way to divorce. But they may work since you are not dealing with cheating or something that you find morally unacceptable in your marriage and a broken trust that can never be repaired. Psychology was my minor and still one of my interest. It came in handy when I was a magician and certainly in my love life. I think your marriage is salvageable. You just need to find a way to fix it. Look at my signature below. Our current morality ends up with a 50% divorce rate, so we made our own morality which is more moral than most people we know. We designed our marriage to work for us and found ways to fix any problems that pop up. Not finding your spouse attractive is a common problem. Weight gain and other reasons contribute to it. It is how you handle it that counts or can destroy your marriage. Too often people are attracted to each other for purely physical reasons. We all age so that is dooming the marriage for failure. The trick is to be attracted to who the person is, not what they look like. My wife is a good soul who loves to make me happy. How could I not be attracted to her. I still get horny when she hugs me and I do not know why she affects me that way. Perhaps a deep love. I wish you luck but you need to talk to your husband and if necessary, seek outside help. I hesitate about counselling because while it can help you to understand each other, you may not like what you learn. I just was listening to a women on TV who went to MC with her cheating husband to fix it. What she found out was that he was cheating because he felt that she was not doing enough to please him. It was all about his needs, not hers and she went from wanting to reconcile to divorcing him immediately. You never know what you will find if you dig deep enough. Hope it works out for you.


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## Spiritualwife (Mar 27, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> Just walk away.
> Find another man who loves you.
> I'm sure you won't decide he smells bad, and he will take flawless care of you and will kiss you correctly, he will never tell or say bad things.
> He will be perfect.
> ...


That was really condescending. You think I think there is another man out there? Like, oh yea! I am going to leave a find the perfect guy. No, see I know every relationship has its issues. Marriage is complicated. I have been in one for 10 years. I don't even think of another man because they will have their issues. Love like that doesn't really exist.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

SW,

Perhaps it is best to summarize a few things. 

First and foremost your husbands bad behavior is literally toxic and you need to develop the skills needed to help him improve. 
Your marriage is mechanically (finances, fidelity, etc.) healthy, but emotionally sick. It is why you feel so conflicted.

The key to success in these situations is not a willingness to initiate a divorce. Nope. The key is instead the willingness to do what is right even in the face of being threatened with divorce. 

You don't have to be the irresistible force, but you do have to be willing to be the 'immovable object'. 

My partner (who is a truly wonderful human) is more aggressive than I am. This is something we both acknowledge and laugh about. She is not however, more determined than I am. And if you work the process of improving your marriage, you will see that determination is every bit as important as aggression. 

Your H - we will call him S2 from now on, is often angry and when angry - very badly behaved guy. But anger is a secondary emotion, comes from either hurt or fear. He sounds mostly afraid. 

All his trash talk about how you won't remarry if this marriage ends - that comes from his fear of divorce. In fact, all of his put downs - often made in anger - originate in fear. 

And the reason sex is so not delightful is, sex is something he does TO YOU, not WITH YOU. Which is why his pacing is so 'off'. 

I will end on a hopeful note. I have enough in common with your H, to maybe have an idea or two about how you might approach him. 





Spiritualwife said:


> I have looked back at it and when I was super in love I didn't realize how much sex was about him. This is very embarrassing but for a period of time, the foreplay was measuring how big his **** was. So sad. But I loved him and one day I said NO MORE! and he never asked for it again. There is some foreplay but not really. He just gets into it. I think sex was way easier back in the day when I could come very quickly.
> 
> I also sometimes just don't want him down there. But like even when we are having foreplay its not about the foreplay (does that make sense?)


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Spiritualwife said:


> That's awful. I have not said he does NOTHING RIGHT. Did you read my other post? He is a great provider, a good husband, a great father. I obviously came in here because you think I want to feel the way I am feeling?! You think I want to not want my husband? You think I don't want to have good sex with him? You think I am making this all up. You think I want to live like I have for the last 3 years?!?!?!?!?!? You think that I have not felt terrible. You think I want to feel this way?!?!!?!?!?!!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> My H like I said loves me but doesn't like me. I think is in love with me. I am the object of his affection but he doesn't love my soul.


Just what is "love my soul"? What exactly does loving a soul entail? What does it look like?


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## Spiritualwife (Mar 27, 2017)

Vinnydee said:


> Wow. There is a lot ther to work with. PPD is terrible. My cousin actually had her baby removed by the State and placed in the custody of her mother for a few months. My best friend's wife also went through PPD and their baby ended up with its grandparents for a few months. You are correct about how not enough attention and research has been done about it.
> 
> As for the sex and attraction problem, perhaps I can offer some advice based on my experience. My wife and I went through the same thing when we hit our sixties. My wife is bi and no longer had her girlfriend of 30 years in her life. She got depressed and sex without another women in bed with us was not doing it for her. She told me to my face that I was not the "Hottie" that she married who made all of her girlfriends jealous. I was now balding, gaining weight and not looking hot at all anymore. She said that she was not sexually attracted to me but still loved me.
> 
> ...


Thank you, thank you for this post. Its very kind and very real.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Spiritualwife said:


> That was really condescending. You think I think there is another man out there? Like, oh yea! I am going to leave a find the perfect guy. No, see I know every relationship has its issues. Marriage is complicated. I have been in one for 10 years. I don't even think of another man because they will have their issues.* Love like that doesn't really exist.*


Then how do you expect your H to love your soul if love like this does not exist?


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## Spiritualwife (Mar 27, 2017)

MEM2020 said:


> SW,
> 
> Perhaps it is best to summarize a few things.
> 
> ...


Thanks for this post. this was very good. are you a counselor?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

SW,

I am not, but there are a few folks on here who have found me to be helpful.

Perhaps it might help for me to discuss the 'audience' here at TAM. As you have quickly seen, there are some folks who get angry at wives who have desire issues with their husbands. These posters will sometimes misrepresent what you say in an unkind manner. They also - on occasion may say things that better help you understand how your H feels. 

If you reach the point where you do not want a particular poster to continue contributing to your thread, either tell them via a post or send me a private message. 

You came here to get help and as such, have the right to ask folks who aren't helping you, to apply their talents elsewhere. 











Spiritualwife said:


> Thanks for this post. this was very good. are you a counselor?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Spiritualwife

One more clarification if you will.... when did you husband start doing things like belittling you, telling out that you are stupid, etc.? I got the impression that he started this shortly after you married and/or before you got pregnant. Could you please clarify?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok, sorry, more clarification here. Did your husband understand that you were experiencing PPD? How much did he acknowledge it and what did he do to help you during that time?


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## Spiritualwife (Mar 27, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> @Spiritualwife
> 
> One more clarification if you will.... when did you husband start doing things like belittling you, telling out that you are stupid, etc.? I got the impression that he started this shortly after you married and/or before you got pregnant. Could you please clarify?


It has gotten worse in the last few years but it is something that has been happening since the beg of our relationship. I remember we had been dating 9 months, we were in my college dorm, IDK how the topic got onto my parents but he just started saying that my family was bull****. That my dad was a loser and my mom was push over. That I was a "barrio" girl. That although my dad was educated, he would never amount to what his father did. I forget how we got on the topic of my family. I come from a very good, nice family. My parents are immigrants, they lived well in their countries. They lost a lot. I told him "NOBODY!!! Says stuff about my family!!" and I broke up with him. He started crying on the way as I was dropping him off. We later made up. But that was the first time, I saw it happen. But its countless. If its not my family, its my "bs" college degree, its my "intelligence," my capability, my interest (fashion, shows I watch), my friends.


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## Spiritualwife (Mar 27, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Ok, sorry, more clarification here. Did your husband understand that you were experiencing PPD? How much did he acknowledge it and what did he do to help you during that time?


Yes. It was obvious. I was on Zoloft. He doesn't acknowledge how unwell I was. He says it was not a big deal, next time we will just have the "drugs" on hand. He blows it off to this day as no big deal. This is because he wants more children, he doesn't want me to get hung up on this. 

He did everything he could to help with the child rearing. When I had to go to exclusively pumping, he actually slept with the baby in her room so that he would do the night feeding and I could get atleast 5 hrs of sleep before I had to pump. That is something I cant take from him. He did everything and beyond. Much more than other other men do.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This resonated with me. 

I definitely love M2's soul. Pretty sure she knows that.




Spiritualwife said:


> That's awful. I have not said he does NOTHING RIGHT. Did you read my other post? He is a great provider, a good husband, a great father. I obviously came in here because you think I want to feel the way I am feeling?! You think I want to not want my husband? You think I don't want to have good sex with him? You think I am making this all up. You think I want to live like I have for the last 3 years?!?!?!?!?!? You think that I have not felt terrible. You think I want to feel this way?!?!!?!?!?!!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> My H like I said loves me but doesn't like me. I think is in love with me. I am the object of his affection but he doesn't love my soul.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Spiritualwife said:


> Yes. It was obvious. I was on Zoloft. He doesn't acknowledge how unwell I was. He says it was not a big deal, next time we will just have the "drugs" on hand. He blows it off to this day as no big deal. This is because he wants more children, he doesn't want me to get hung up on this.
> 
> He did everything he could to help with the child rearing. When I had to go to exclusively pumping, he actually slept with the baby in her room so that he would do the night feeding and I could get atleast 5 hrs of sleep before I had to pump. That is something I cant take from him. He did everything and beyond. Much more than other other men do.


So he basically gives a crap about you. That's what this sounds like.

My son's father was like this. He was in medical school and residency when my son was little. So he was gone a good part of the time. But he when he was home, it was a helicopter father. He did everything for our son.. would not let me hold him, change diapers, etc. It's because he wanted children and did not want me. But he needed a wife to get children.

A father who mistreats the mother of his children is not a good father. The best thing that parents can give their children is a strong marriage because the relationship between the parents is the very foundation of the family.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Spiritualwife


Your posts have given a good insight. 


You are struggling with your marriage.


Your husband is also struggling in your marriage. But he has additional issues in that he has been emotionally/verbally abuse from day one. That’s not a good sign and he might not be able to change.



While a site like this can be a good place for you to vent and get ideas, and I hope that you do stay around for that. I think you need a lot more help. I think that you really need to get into individual counseling. You need someone who is in your real life who can help you figure this out.


At some point your husband needs some individual counseling. He needs counseling for his abuse and anger management for starters. 


And you two would benefit from marital counseling. But I think that you getting into individual counseling right now is priority one. 


Do you have insurance that will help you pay for counseling? Since he controls the money will he be ok with you going to counseling?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How could you nurse if you were on Zoloft?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Spiritualwife said:


> That's awful. I have not said he does NOTHING RIGHT. Did you read my other post? He is a great provider, a good husband, a great father. I obviously came in here because you think I want to feel the way I am feeling?! You think I want to not want my husband? You think I don't want to have good sex with him? You think I am making this all up. You think I want to live like I have for the last 3 years?!?!?!?!?!? You think that I have not felt terrible. You think I want to feel this way?!?!!?!?!?!!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> My H like I said loves me but doesn't like me. I think is in love with me. I am the object of his affection but he doesn't love my soul.


Has he told you this? Have you talked about this? 

While it may even be true but it sounds like you have never had the courage to talk to him about it. Let him work with it on you. You have just rejected him. Not saying he doesn't have responsibility too, but the verbal abuse has been spoken on here. (this is where his issue is and you need to not back down on that. I don't want to seem like I don't think this is a big deal. Truthfully if he doesn't fix this you could be the most sexually attentive wife and eventually you would hate him and the marriage. I know what it is like my step-father was that way. So again he needs to fix this and you need to make it a condition of going forward.) 

However I want to talk about your other issue and I want to ask you to think about what I am saying with some empathy for your husband. Think about him just for now as the guy standing next to you the day he put the ring on your finger, with all that hope you both had. First of all your husband is doing what most men are taught to do. What we are told makes us good husbands and good men, provide. Due to no fault of his own his wife has rejected him. He knows. Was his porn addition before or after you stopped having sex with him I wonder? When he touched you, you just pushed him away, did you tell him that you didn't feel right? Even though you knew something was wrong. It was probably just chemical. This is kind of normal and happens to lots of women, the problem was not the feelings it was the not trusting enough to tell him. In his mind all you have done is reject him. How could he know more then that, you didn't tell him more. You didn't tell him anything. I am sorry but in that part of the relationship the failing is entirely on you. From his point of view he gave you a baby and your lust for him was over. He may be thinking was it really just a bate an switch? How would you feel? Honestly I can think of a greater rejection then to have your wife tell you to go jack off, especially when you know he is an addict. You were telling him you would rather he relapse then have sex with him. It wouldn't be easy to love my wife soul for a while after that hurt. 

Here is the deal if you want to have a good marriage it means a very deep level of intimacy. It takes risk, it takes saying something is wrong. It means saying hey help me we are failing. A good partner stays, help me. A good partner says I am struggling. You are a team right?

There is a lot of water under the bridge here. He didn't treat you right, but in a sense you didn't treat him right too. Maybe it can be saved but you both have to communicate and you both have to admit that you are both responsible for the fact that it has gotten here. Someone needs to push for it or end it. Sounds like that is you because you came on here and posted. 

Another thing that should be said. The kind of "love my soul" you are looking for, for most men requires his women to be into him sexually. When she is and gives herself it creates a kind of frenzy in us. This is not necessarily a bad thing it a glorious thing, it's what God intended (since you are spiritual). If he is a good man the frenzy will get you the kind of romance and desire you want. We men and women really are different sides of the same coin. Men: sex leads to emotional, and women emotional leads to sex. If you get into a rhythm you can spin that like wheel, but someone has to make the first turn. It should be sex-emotional-sex-emotional and so on. Doesn't matter which starts first but it should be talked about. Tell him - "We need to do this, we MUST make this a priority. I need this from you what do you need from me." I'm sorry but just like the wife who says, my husband doesn't even talk to me but just wants to use me for sex. For guys it's- my wife wants me to write her poems but I know the sex will only ever be out of obligation. Again for a guy that is pretty much the same. Point is you both have to work on it together. "I need this, you need that." 

One more thing, if you are NOT attracted to him, it's wrong for you to continue to let him support you (not his kids but you) and prevent him from finding someone who is. What happens when you meet someone you are attracted to? Will you just bolt like you find so many women on this forum do? Just like a woman doesn't want to be used as a sex object, a guy doesn't want to be used for stability. That's not marriage or not what was intended.


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## Spiritualwife (Mar 27, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> So he basically gives a crap about you. That's what this sounds like.
> 
> My son's father was like this. He was in medical school and residency when my son was little. So he was gone a good part of the time. But he when he was home, it was a helicopter father. He did everything for our son.. would not let me hold him, change diapers, etc. It's because he wanted children and did not want me. But he needed a wife to get children.
> 
> A father who mistreats the mother of his children is not a good father. The best thing that parents can give their children is a strong marriage because the relationship between the parents is the very foundation of the family.



I sometimes want to ask him...why do you want to have sex with me? why do you want to continue building this life with me? You dont seem to like me? What is about me? Everything that makes me, me, you belittle. 

I know that other poster did not understand "my soul" comment; but sometimes I see other women that I think would be better for him like he needs one of these more "vanilla" women like this girl Jessica, we know. A nice, catholic, upper middle class from the Midwest. 

I am too artistic, I live in shades of blue, I have friends from all walks of life, I grew up in Miami, I grew up in a different culture, I love music, I care about lyrics, I am daughter of the moon, I believe in fate, I believe that there is magic.


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## Spiritualwife (Mar 27, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> How could you nurse if you were on Zoloft?


Is that an issue? My Obgyn said it would be an issue? I was on it for 2 months but honestly I would rather feel depressed.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Spiritualwife said:


> I sometimes want to ask him...why do you want to have sex with me? why do you want to continue building this life with me? You dont seem to like me? What is about me? Everything that makes me, me, you belittle.


What dos he What does he say when you ask him that?



Spiritualwife said:


> I know that other poster did not understand "my soul" comment; but sometimes I see other women that I think would be better for him like he needs one of these more "vanilla" women like this girl Jessica, we know. A nice, catholic, upper middle class from the Midwest.


He would be abusive of her too. Remember that he was abusive of you from the very start of your relationship, verbally attacking you and your family.

Of course, Jessica might have stronger boundaries than you do. She might not have continued a relationship with a man who was abusive. That, the personal boundaries, might be the real difference between you those who do not get into abusive relationships. It usually is. Those with strong personal boundaries do not stick around abusers.



Spiritualwife said:


> I am too artistic, I live in shades of blue, I have friends from all walks of life, I grew up in Miami, I grew up in a different culture, I love music, I care about lyrics, I am daughter of the moon, I believe in fate, I believe that there is magic.


What does your husband do for a living?


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## Spiritualwife (Mar 27, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Has he told you this? Have you talked about this?
> 
> While it may even be true but it sounds like you have never had the courage to talk to him about it. Let him work with it on you. You have just rejected him. Not saying he doesn't have responsibility too, but the verbal abuse has been spoken on here. (this is where his issue is and you need to not back down on that. I don't want to seem like I don't think this is a big deal. Truthfully if he doesn't fix this you could be the most sexually attentive wife and eventually you would hate him and the marriage. I know what it is like my step-father was that way. So again he needs to fix this and you need to make it a condition of going forward.)
> 
> ...


Hi: Just to clarify a few points.

1. I did tell him that I was unwell. That I didn't want to have sex. That I was depressed. That becoming a mom was very painful. He knew. 

2. Porn addiction (was before). We also had a few infedility issues at the beg or so. I caught him arranging a hook-up with a girl on FB in 2009 (he hesitated in the conversations which is why I took him back) and then in 2012 (we were already engaged) I found accounts on ****** *******. I threatened to leave and then he went and got super catholic. When I asked him to masturbate, I was doing it because anything sexual was very disgusting for me. I didn't want to interact with him feeling that way. I told him this. 

3. I have twice brought up what happened after baby was born both time he has told me that I am "bull****" and that all research points that I should have been "okay" for sex 6 weeks PP and we waited 10.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Spiritualwife said:


> Is that an issue? My Obgyn said it would be an issue? I was on it for 2 months but honestly I would rather feel depressed.


Ok I looked it up with a quick google search. Apparently very little of the chemicals in Zoloft get into breast milk. They feel that it’s not enough to hurt the baby.


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## SuperConfusedHusband (Mar 19, 2017)

Spiritualwife said:


> Hi: Just to clarify a few points.
> 
> 1. I did tell him that I was unwell. That I didn't want to have sex. That I was depressed. That becoming a mom was very painful. He knew.
> 
> ...


Creating online profiles and facebook hookups while you are engaged, is a major red flag.
I have read every word you said, this is what I think: this guy is controlling and forceful. I would not be surprised if he has a record for assault. Anyways you love him, it's clear, you just have ask yourself f it's worth it.
He is probably still with you because for him you are easily controlled, and he loves the power.

As a husband and a man that talks to a lot of ladies, I guarantee 100%, that you deserve a kind and loving man, you are worth it, and TONS of men will find you attractive and would want to flirt with you. Think about it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Spiritualwife said:


> Because I am not sure if I am smart or capable. I have relied on him too much. I really don't know if what he says about me is true. Maybe he is right? Maybe I am what he says. I don't have the strength to leave or put anything in motion because I don't have the finances.


Like I said, you seriously need to get into counseling and work through your lack of self-esteem. The very fact that you ask these questions show that you have been pushed down so far that you have lost yourself.




Spiritualwife said:


> He also says that a woman after 30 marriage prospects go way down. That men like him (or the eligible bachelor in late 30s/early 40s is looking for a women in her mid-20s) Me at 30 with a child, I don't think I will ever get married again.


Oh, there he goes again. This is that Red Pill stuff that guys tell each other about how desirable they are and that women lose value. It’s nonsense. There are plenty of divorced folks in your age range dating each other. A lot of divorce people who have children prefer to date someone with children because then they both understand what dating while parenting is all about. 

How many friends do you have? Do you go out and do things with friends? What kind of activities do you do?



Spiritualwife said:


> He says I can't make it that without him I would have just been another liberal arts degree loser moving back home with my parents (and that could be true).


He says? Why do you buy into this hateful, denigrating nonsense that he spews at you? Of course, you can make it on your own. 



Spiritualwife said:


> I didn't have a job prospect when I graduated college and it took me 4 months of grinding to get find a job. My career, I wish I would have picked a different career, has been tough. The last 3 years, I have been mostly at home with my boy, I do real estate and take contract PR positions (which have paid me well).


So go get a Master’s degree in something. Or get your real estate license. I’m sure that if you put you think about it some, you could find a way to make a good living.

From the sounds of things, at some point you are going to have to support yourself. So you probably need to start preparing for that now.



Spiritualwife said:


> Like, its not a sob story. Maybe I am not smart or capable. I don't really care for a huge career. I don't. I have had it and it wasn't for me.


Once again, please get in touch with a counselor.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

SW,

Do you think that S2 realizes that your marriage is in bad shape? 

If you asked him, how much he is contributing to the current situation, vs how much you are, what would he say? 

Do you have a babysitter who can watch your child for an hour at night, while the two of you go for a walk? 

Walking is often the best format - for these types of conversations. 

You get maybe ten minutes in and casually ask him: If there was one thing you could change about me, what would that be? The idea is to set the stage - for him to ask you the same question. 

The key thing is to be prepared to shape the conversation. He might say something about your sex drive. If he is sort of like you describe - he's gonna try and frame this as being a 'you' thing instead of an 'us' thing. Drive is generic level of horniness - desire is the intersection of drive and how you feel about him. If he talks about desire - that's impressive. If not - just work with him a bit. 

The best thing to do - where possible - is demonstrate alignment of interests. In a way - a male way - he is asking you to love him more. More than you currently do. 

And the alignment is high because you want him to act in a manner that is more lovable. 

If you can get him there - to that recognition of alignment - that is a huge step forward. 






Spiritualwife said:


> Yes. It was obvious. I was on Zoloft. He doesn't acknowledge how unwell I was. He says it was not a big deal, next time we will just have the "drugs" on hand. He blows it off to this day as no big deal. This is because he wants more children, he doesn't want me to get hung up on this.
> 
> He did everything he could to help with the child rearing. When I had to go to exclusively pumping, he actually slept with the baby in her room so that he would do the night feeding and I could get atleast 5 hrs of sleep before I had to pump. That is something I cant take from him. He did everything and beyond. Much more than other other men do.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

sokillme said:


> *From his point of view he gave you a baby and your lust for him was over. He may be thinking was it really just a bate an switch?* How would you feel? Honestly I can think of a greater rejection then to have your wife tell you to go jack off, especially when you know he is an addict. You were telling him you would rather he relapse then have sex with him. It wouldn't be easy to love my wife soul for a while after that hurt.


Did you miss this nugget in the original post?

"I also resented my husband for pushing/bullying into having a child."


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## SuperConfusedHusband (Mar 19, 2017)

Spiritualwife said:


> He also says that a woman after 30 marriage prospects go way down.


He meant 65. Seriosuly this guy is manipulating you. ALL WOMEN are desirable at all ages! Take it from an old pervert-husband!



Spiritualwife said:


> That men like him (or the eligible bachelor in late 30s/early 40s is looking for a women in her mid-20s) Me at 30 with a child, I don't think I will ever get married again.


No thats not true at all. I'm in my early 40s (44) ad I can tell you that I'm attracted to all ages. I find it easier to talk to younger women because they are less guarded, but I really long for a mature conversation with deeper tones. So it's possible that men are more attracted to young women, but for a short period of time, then they get bored with them. It's the 30-40yo that hold value. You will have no problem re-marrying even with a child.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Red Sonja said:


> Did you miss this nugget in the original post?
> 
> "I also resented my husband for pushing/bullying into having a child."


Yeah the more you read the worse it seems. They need some help. He is no prize, I never said he was.


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## Spiritualwife (Mar 27, 2017)

I think some of my problem is my self-worth is tied to what other people think of me. From the outside, my life is picture perfect. People always tell us we look like a catalog family. It seems like I have it all together. My life figured out. I also would be embarrassed by divorce and being a single mom. I dont want my son to come from a broken home. 

Its never been my thought that I couldn't find another. The only thing my husband never puts down is my looks. He is also raving about how beautiful, pretty and hot I am. How much I turn him on... physically, anyways. Not that that is the only thing woman has, I dont think. I would like to believe people fall in love regardless. I would like to believe in magic. 

I told him the other day, I hate living in your rigid world and he said "Well, get the over it! Because its the damn truth, baby. Accept it! At the same time, I am scared of even being with someonelse really, every relationship will have its problems. If its not this, its that...right?

But then this is the same guy, that when I wanted to open my own fashion boutique went out a drove Uber on the side to help put money together. I never went to open a boutique. I learned a lot about the industry and even had a short stint in fashion buying with a high end boutique. Its very costly and boutiques are a hard business.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Spiritualwife said:


> When he gets mad at me he goes to town; he calls me stupid, an ignorant child, says women should be subservient, that I dont add value, that intellectually I cant even come close to him. I am really into the moon and I am little superstitious (always been) and he says I am ****ing idiot for believing in that (it shows my low IQ), a conformist, that my dad is a loser (my dad has had several failed businesses that put my family in financial strife growing up). He used to say my college education was a waste of money, that I had no business in college with my POS Mass Comm degree (mind you I have always had been able to get good paying PR jobs). I finally told him, if me going to college was such a huge mistake then we are a mistake because me going to college was the only way we could have met. He has now shut up about my student loans. There is this anger that I am not sure where it comes from.





Spiritualwife said:


> He also says that a woman after 30 marriage prospects go way down. That men like him (or the eligible bachelor in late 30s/early 40s is looking for a women in her mid-20s) Me at 30 with a child, I don't think I will ever get married again. He says I can't make it that without him I would have just been another liberal arts degree loser moving back home with my parents.





Spiritualwife said:


> I remember we had been dating 9 months, we were in my college dorm, IDK how the topic got onto my parents but he just started saying that my family was bull****. That my dad was a loser and my mom was push over. That I was a "barrio" girl. That although my dad was educated, he would never amount to what his father did. I forget how we got on the topic of my family. I come from a very good, nice family. My parents are immigrants, they lived well in their countries. They lost a lot. I told him "NOBODY!!! Says stuff about my family!!" and I broke up with him. He started crying on the way as I was dropping him off. We later made up. But that was the first time, I saw it happen. But its countless. If its not my family, its my "bs" college degree, its my "intelligence," my capability, my interest (fashion, shows I watch), my friends.


*All of the above is heinous behavior* and comes from what I call an “elitist” attitude. I was married to someone like your husband for 28 years. I can tell you two things, one he will say similar things to one or more of your children as they grow up and two this behavior will literally destroy your self-esteem over time. (I can see from some of your statements that you are starting to believe his bull****) An elitist thinks they deserve to have “quality”, however they define it, in everything in life. This includes the attributes and abilities of their spouse, children, and possessions … literally everything and everyone that touches their life. If they cannot attract the quality they seek in a spouse, they will marry someone they think has the raw material and then manipulate and criticize their spouse in the hopes they will change and become “ideal”. Most people like this, when challenged, will say that they are trying to “help” you become “better”. Others will get angry or act victimized when challenged and claim you have “changed” and they only want you to be what you once were … the problem is that they cannot distinguish between you (as you are) and the “ideal version” of what they want created in their head.

Perhaps your husband learned this from his parents, perhaps he is a narcissist … I don’t know him. *I can tell you that decent human beings do not talk this way to their loved ones … period.* There are methods to fight back, so to speak, however I would give these methods a time limit (say 6 months) and if you don’t see an improvement in his behavior then you probably never will. To fight back you need to set boundaries as to what you will tolerate. Whenever he starts with his critical verbiage or gets in your face yelling (etc.) you can use one of the following statements:

1. I will not be spoken to in this manner, we can continue this discussion when and if you can speak to me calmly and respectfully.

2. I disagree with your statements, they are offensive and I will not continue this discussion.

*You must say these things calmly and matter-of-factly and then, walk away from him *and go do something else (disengage). If he follows and continues to engage then leave the house … go to the park, a hotel, your mother’s house, anywhere for a couple of hours and do not answer your phone if he texts or calls. If he attempts to prevent you from leaving the house or puts his hands on you in a physically aggressive manner then call 911. For this to work, with very young children, you need to have a “to go” bag packed at all times so that you can take your child and go quickly.

I will admit that I did all this, on the advice of a therapist, consistently with my husband and it did not facilitate any change in his behavior. However, it turned out that my ex-husband was a clinically diagnosable Narcissistic Personality Disordered individual so his behavior was pathological and unlikely to ever change. Your husband may just be a mean spirited ******* who needs a wakeup call as to his behavior. 

I would also like to page @turnera as she has experience in setting boundaries with disrespectful spouses.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

SW,
What I like about this thread is the balance you bring to it. He has some big flaws, and he also has some big strengths. 

The beauty factor works against you a bit in the sense that it likely drives some of his insecurities. It's why he puts you down. 

He is trying to make you feel - lucky to be with him - by cutting you down. The pickup artists call this: negging - which means negatively impacting a woman's self esteem so she will 'seek your approval'. It can work with an inexperienced woman who has had a few drinks. In a marriage it makes the person doing it - LESS lovable over time. 

But - to be fair - he also supported your business idea which many insecure men would not do. So he is capable of being supportive. 
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So - you are getting some solid textbook advice for dealing with his destructive behaviors. Things like telling him:

If you do ABC (put me down, yell at me, etc.) I will do XYZ (leave the room, etc.). And that is ok, but it's also confrontational. 

An alternative approach is to say: When you do ABC, I love you less. 
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The best thing about that approach is that it is not subject to debate. Not really. And in a low key way you might point out that it is odd to put so much effort into supporting and helping you, only to erase much of that good will by being aggressive in a hurtful manner. 

If he is good at business - he will likely understand the concept of a 'love bank'. Good things add positively to your 'balance', bad things subtract from it. 






Spiritualwife said:


> I think some of my problem is my self-worth is tied to what other people think of me. From the outside, my life is picture perfect. People always tell us we look like a catalog family. It seems like I have it all together. My life figured out. I also would be embarrassed by divorce and being a single mom. I dont want my son to come from a broken home.
> 
> Its never been my thought that I couldn't find another. The only thing my husband never puts down is my looks. He is also raving about how beautiful, pretty and hot I am. How much I turn him on... physically, anyways. Not that that is the only thing woman has, I dont think. I would like to believe people fall in love regardless. I would like to believe in magic.
> 
> ...


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Your husband is an ass. But let me tell you I don't think my wife finds me attractive. She just lays there while **** her. I feel like a loser unwanted and undesirable. It kills the soul of a man. For the first time in 37 years I'm thinking of cheating or preferably leaving. Hope you get it figured out and he gets help with his issues.


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