# Men, a question for you. Please help.



## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

I have a question mainly for the men here. Ladies you may answer on your mans behalf if you would like. Which of these give you guys a since of being feeling wanted and loved by your wife. Sex, BJ's, or hand J's. Or do they all equal in how much they make you feel loved. 

The reason I ask is because me and my H don't particularly get along, in fact our relationship has deteriorated quite a lot. Infact there is little left of it. After having T today the T suggested that I refrain from having sex with my H because it send him mixed messages. I am really considering leaving. She says don't send him mixed signals and I agree. But I know he is not going to go for no sex in the upcoming weeks. That is why I ask this question. He doesn't HAVE to have sex but a hand J will do. But my main concern is by doing this for him does that show my devotion to him and my love for him more then sex does. I personally would rather have sex, and just get it over with. It does nothing for me anyway and I can just give it to him to pacify him. 

Any advice here would be helpful. He is used to me just giving in to him to meet his needs. He knows it does little for me.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I know my H would not want me to "appease" him.


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

Well each act will mean something different for a person. For me getting a bj would mean the most sign you are into him. I say that I feel even if my wife is not always into having sex she will cause she likes it keeps us close etc...but i am not getting a bj unless she is wanting to or we are in a good place.

As for a handy, wells that would be a sign for me that she is not into me. Those were cool in your teen years but if that is all my wife wanted to do with me than that would signal there is something going on with us that i have not picked up on yet.

As for your post, if you are having issues in your marriage, please get that worked on first before worrying about sex and such. You shouldn't feel you have to do that unless you are wanting to as well and in a good place with your H.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

In our relationship that is failing terribly. Sex is seldom happening and it is mostly to appease HIM and has nothing to do with me except being th "hole provider". BJ's seldom happen because I just don't like doing that. As for the handy, it comes down to my hand or his. He gets tired of his I am sure, so sometimes he enlists mine. Sometimes my hand is all I can provide because having sex with him, I can tell in advance I am going to end up in tears afterwards or during and that is not good for me and makes him feel kinda bad to.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Is he compassionate to your past?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

if your goal is to leave, refrain from all three (unless you just want to get laid). If you think you might want to keep this man, do what makes HIM feel loved. If you're unclear, it's probably what he asks for most often. I'd also drop by the kitchen. He's your guy. You know better than anyone else on earth what he likes. Going to some effort, especially if it's outside your comfort zone, to do something to please him will make him feel loved and appreciated. If my wife dolled up in something sexy for me, showed me she wanted me and set out to seduce me, I wouldn't much care what specific act she did. She could dip me in Crisco and roll me in bread crumbs as long as I knew she was making an effort to sexually please me.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

The one that would mean the least to me would be a hj. So, if I get where you're going with this, that's what you want to choose.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Never been much for the HJ or the BJ and sex without passion . . . . well, I’m sure there’s something better on cable. IMHO.


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## bubba29 (Feb 29, 2012)

in order of most to least:
sex
BJ
HJ


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

No sex because you don't want to send mixed messages, but you want to know how to make him feel loved?

Not sure what your goal is here. Are you trying to reconcile the relationship, or are you trying to end it? Or are you just figuring out what you want?

I'd say unless you are trying to reconcile, then don't do any of that. And if you are trying to reconcile, then withholding sex at all is wrong, unless your specific issues revolve around sexual abuse or something similar.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

I don't want to please him. I want him to leave me alone. I am trying to get away from him. I am trying to end our marriage. But I am also trying to get my ducks in a row until I can maked a smooth and safe exit. In the mean time I am stuck here with him. I know he is going to pester me for sex like he always does. I have learned it is easier to give in to his demands and forgo my self worth even though I know I should not. What is 3 or 4min in the sack compared to an hour of arguing about it. But if for some reason that sends the message "I love you" that is not the message I want to send. I can send the message of " Here, here is the damn piece of A**." I can walk away and be pretty much fine with that. Or I can realize some days that just putting out is going to hurt me more mentally then I can stand and I know I will end up in tears during sex or after sex and that I can't tolerate so well. 

Or I can lend a HAND. I know he gets tired of his own hand and my hand can assist though that does more damage to me mentally then sex does. But least I don't cry during that. 

Saying no is not really an option. It is more of SEE, YOU ARE A BAD WIFE, you will not give it to me. Or he guilt trips me and I end up thinking good grief, is this really worth all the arguing and hurt feelings. Let me just put out and get it over with. 

Blossom - You asked does he know how I feel. Yes he does. He knows how much I dislike sex yet his needs over ride mine.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Lon said:


> No sex because you don't want to send mixed messages, but you want to know how to make him feel loved?


I think she's trying to make him feel as little love as possible while still fulfilling his needs. Why, I'm not sure.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Then hand job and get it over with. 

Knowing your story I would minimize abuse where I could and if abstaining brings bigger abuse than the hand job I would opt for the latter knowing it is a solely for survival purposes until you can get out. Is it soon?


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Lon said:


> No sex because you don't want to send mixed messages, but you want to know how to make him feel loved?
> 
> Not sure what your goal is here. Are you trying to reconcile the relationship, or are you trying to end it? Or are you just figuring out what you want?
> 
> I'd say unless you are trying to reconcile, then don't do any of that. And if you are trying to reconcile, then withholding sex at all is wrong, unless your specific issues revolve around sexual abuse or something similar.


I want to meet his needs in the most minimal way possible. We are on the verge of separating and that is what my goal is. He refuses to see that things are not working. 

I want to know what is the most minimal way to meet his needs. Just because I don't love him per say doesn't mean I don't need to at least kinda meet his needs. (Or does it.) 

Just because we are not in love, doesn't stop him from going to work and paying the bills and providing for me and the kids.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Buddy400 said:


> I think she's trying to make him feel as little love as possible while still fulfilling his needs. Why, I'm not sure.


Because he is going to want something. And I will be paying some how. All of it says love to him regardless of how it is acquired. But which says love the least .

I know that makes no sense. Saying no is not an option. It just doesn't work that way here in my house


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

A safe exit? If you have genuine reasons to fear for your safety, your bags should be packed and you should already be gone. Whatever property or money you lost can be regained. Much harder to come back from the dead.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Whether you and the kids are there or at Howard Johnson's, his legal obligations regarding support remain the same. The law will lock him up for non support. The won't lock you up for failure to provide slap and tickle.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Lila said:


> Bigmama,
> 
> Your therapist advised you to refrain from sex with your husband. She's a trained professional with years of experience treating patients like you. She knows your entire history and is trying to help you. Why are you not following her advise? :scratchhead:


Because it is easy to say that, but it is not easy to live those words. She can't walk a mile in my shoes. My T has no idea how hard it is to not give in to what he wants. She has on idea how defeated and just how much of a low self esteem I have. 

I want to follow her advice I do, I really do, and it sounds so easy to say, "Well Gosh then just don't have sex", but that is not realistic. Not when it comes to this man. If it were as easy as saying "NO, I don't want to" then all the problems would be solved, but it is not that easy.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Then hand job and get it over with.
> 
> Knowing your story I would minimize abuse where I could and if abstaining brings bigger abuse than the hand job I would opt for the latter knowing it is a solely for survival purposes until you can get out. Is it soon?


Blossom - Thank you so much. That is exactly what I am dealing with. What will be the least damaging to me, but passify him. 

Thank you. Well put. It is for survival purposes. (((HUGS))) Thank you. You understand and helped make it so others can understand. 

Thank you, thank you, thank you.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Big Mama, I haven't read your posts, though I've seen a couple them... so you are stringing him along in order to execute your exit strategy?

If he is abusive, then remove yourself (and any kids) out of the house immediately, find a friend of relative, or even a shelter.

If he's not abusive, why would you string him along with manipulation? Why would you do any thing for him that you don't want to?

I get that sometimes people need to have an exit strategy for getting out of a bad situation, I just don't see how being in a situation where you are compelled to offer acts of intimacy against your desire is healthy.

I don't know why you are addressing your question to men, because the only way I would ever want to feel loved, is to actually be loved - I can't think of any man that wouldn't want the same thing.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Lon - I'm not trying to string him along and manipulate him. He is going to want something from me sexually and I pretty much feel like I have to let him have what he wants, I feel defenceless to tell him no and don't want to suffer the repercussions of that act of telling him no. Hopefully in a matter of weeks I will be away from this man. And this will no longer be an issue.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I'm sorry you are in this sad situation, Big Mama. 

It seems like a hj is the least invasive to you anyway. I hope your plans to separate go smoothly.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Big Mama said:


> Lon - I'm not trying to string him along and manipulate him. He is going to want something from me sexually and I pretty much feel like I have to let him have what he wants, I feel defenceless to tell him no and don't want to suffer the repercussions of that act of telling him no. Hopefully in a matter of weeks I will be away from this man. And this will no longer be an issue.


I quickly perused a few of the other threads you've started. I'm sorry if I misread the situation and possibly added any guilt on you. That wasn't my intent.

I still staunchly stand behind my comment, that if you are not planning to reconcile, then do NOT do anything that you don't desire to do. You have more power than you think, and you are absolutely allowed to refuse to content to any kind of sexual activity with him.

My GF's daughter is 22 and with a 29 year old man whom sounds very much like what I could quickly piece together about your H (except exact opposite in terms of success, money yadda yadda). Your H is the kind of guy my GF's daughter's BF would want to model himself after.

For quite some time, the daughter has been trying to leave him, but she is so saddled with guilt, and lacks conviction that she ends up going back. It breaks her mom's heart, but all we can do is love her, advise her and let her make her decision.

That is the same advice I offer you: be where you know you need to be, and don't be where you know that you are prevented from flourishing. There is nothing to be guilty of for ending your relationship with this man, it is sucking your life out. And in that spirit, don't even do the HJ, just tell him the truth - you have rights so don't forfeit them, use them. If he becomes physically aggressive, call the police, call your pastor, call your T... But nothing is going to ever change until YOU actually do something.

Please know also, that my comment is not based from experience at all, I truly don't know what it's like to be you, where others on here may have a real life proven path for you. Good luck, I wish nothing but the best for you, your children and even your H.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Lon - Thank you. That was a very nice thing to say. I feel much better and understood now. Just being understood is all I really want.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Big Mama said:


> I have a question mainly for the men here. Ladies you may answer on your mans behalf if you would like. Which of these give you guys a since of being feeling wanted and loved by your wife. Sex, BJ's, or hand J's. Or do they all equal in how much they make you feel loved.


There is no substitute for the closeness of intercourse. 

BJ's are fantastic, but they sometimes feels like I'm being serviced, or duty sex. HJ's even more so- like hurry up and come so I can go do something else. There's no closeness from getting a HJ, and it's something I can do myself.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening BigMama

I'm really sorry you are in such a wretched situation. Different things mean different things to different people, so I don't think anyone else can tell you what is best. 


I'm going to answer the other part of the question because I think it is an interesting discussion - but my answer doesn't really help you decide. 

HJ: This is the most variable. I think this is a great form of play as a female-dom / male-submissive sort or thing where she is "forcing" him to orgasm. It can also be a quick sexual favor, but done that way it is the least intimate and least fun of the options.

BJ: This is the most like a "gift" where the woman is doing something FOR the man (even if she enjoys it too). Same for male on female oral. This is my favorite form of sexual favor. You can have a sort of female-dominant BJ, but I find that less to my taste. 

Intercourse: This is the most mutual, the closest, the most loving - done in missionary. In other positions the mood varies - some have a strong D/S component, but generally this is an act that is enjoyable for both.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Big Mama said:


> I have a question mainly for the men here. Ladies you may answer on your mans behalf if you would like. Which of these give you guys a since of being feeling wanted and loved by your wife. Sex, BJ's, or hand J's. Or do they all equal in how much they make you feel loved.


Personally I enjoy all on equal terms. The only part that makes one more enjoyable than the other is the frequency and the buildup (not like that btw, well maybe lol). I have only done anal a few times and I must say it was more enjoyable to do the act rather than the overall feeling. An HJ is wonderful and I agree it does have a female domination feel to it if done right. As for BJ's, it is quite an experience for men to hear their partner moan in a pleasurable tone, especially hearing that mythical "umm-hmm" moment. To know that she is digging it or at least expressing enjoyment about it is intoxicating.

However your husband sounds as if he deserves none of this and you I don't dare say deserve far better. Appease yourself and get the hell out of there.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

My heart hurts for you and I will be glad when you are free.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

For me, in order of least intimate to most:

- Duty PIV
- HJ
- BJ
- PIV

Personally, I think 69 is the most intimate sex act.

Several years ago when our marriage was at a low point, my wife would frequently say "OK, pull it out, get it hard, stick it in, and hurry up and get it over with". Needless to say, it was tough to get it hard after hearing that, it was almost as devastating to my self-esteem as outright rejection.

OP, good luck with your situation. Please continue to go to therapy, and follow the therapist's advice.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

Big Mama said:


> I want to meet his needs in the most minimal way possible. We are on the verge of separating and that is what my goal is. He refuses to see that things are not working.
> 
> I want to know what is the most minimal way to meet his needs. Just because I don't love him per say doesn't mean I don't need to at least kinda meet his needs. (Or does it.)
> 
> Just because we are not in love, doesn't stop him from going to work and paying the bills and providing for me and the kids.


seriously???
working and paying the bills and providing for the kids is not the same as sex
if the marriage is over, why appease him...if you BOTH want to continue to have sex thats one thing...but I can NOT fathom how unhealthy it is to appease a partner I am separating with, just to appease him...thats sick...right??


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

missthelove2013 said:


> seriously???
> working and paying the bills and providing for the kids is not the same as sex
> if the marriage is over, why appease him...if you BOTH want to continue to have sex thats one thing...but I can NOT fathom how unhealthy it is to appease a partner I am separating with, just to appease him...thats sick...right??



Hummmm, since you put it that way. Sick? YES. YES IT IS. He has an insane need for sex, and I feel mostly like his outlet to sexual relief. 

At the current point in time, I have mentioned my desire to end the marriage, and he has ignored my request. I mean completely ignored. Like I never ever said it. This has just transpired over the weekend. I said I wanted out, I'm done, and he said I don't understand, I think things were going good. I am entitled to my opinion and you cant tell me what to think, and I think things are going better then they have in years. REALLY!!! He is very manipulative and well calculated. I can't approach him with the notion of separation due to my own fears of him. I kinda have to wait till he is calm enough and passive enough to be able to be rational. Those times are few and far between. 

I know a separation is coming, I have told him, but he is in denial I guess. I assume with the denial of separation comes the resuming of life as normal. (His kind of normal) and he is gonna want me to aid him in some kind of sexual release and "NO" is not an option. I am looking for the least detrimental to me and my mental health and the least convincing of love to him.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Big Mama said:


> Hummmm, since you put it that way. Sick? YES. YES IT IS. He has an insane need for sex, and I feel mostly like his outlet to sexual relief.
> 
> At the current point in time, I have mentioned my desire to end the marriage, and he has ignored my request. I mean completely ignored. Like I never ever said it. This has just transpired over the weekend. I said I wanted out, I'm done, and he said I don't understand, I think things were going good. I am entitled to my opinion and you cant tell me what to think, and I think things are going better then they have in years. REALLY!!! *He is very manipulative and well calculated. I can't approach him with the notion of separation due to my own fears of him. I kinda have to wait till he is calm enough and passive enough to be able to be rational.* Those times are few and far between.
> 
> I know a separation is coming, I have told him, but he is in denial I guess. I assume with the denial of separation comes the resuming of life as normal. (His kind of normal) and he is gonna want me to aid him in some kind of sexual release and "NO" is not an option. I am looking for the least detrimental to me and my mental health and the least convincing of love to him.


This bit right here...he can't manipulate you unless you let him, so stop letting him. It really doesn't matter his opinion on the upcoming separation, so stop worrying about it. You don't need to approach him in order to do it. Just get your exit plan in place quietly, and then leave when you are ready. This isn't something that has to be decided in committee.

The only reason I see to continue to keep satisfying him sexually is so that you can buy yourself time to get your exit plan in place while making as few waves as possible. If you are waiting for a time that he will be rational on this, to make it amicable, well, that ain't happening. If you are planning on making him see things as you do, just stop with that. Why do you seem to have such a deep seeded need for that? To prove to him you are right?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Big Mama said:


> Hummmm, since you put it that way. Sick? YES. YES IT IS. He has an insane need for sex, and I feel mostly like his outlet to sexual relief.
> 
> At the current point in time, I have mentioned my desire to end the marriage, and he has ignored my request. I mean completely ignored. Like I never ever said it. This has just transpired over the weekend. I said I wanted out, I'm done, and he said I don't understand, I think things were going good. I am entitled to my opinion and you cant tell me what to think, and I think things are going better then they have in years. REALLY!!! He is very manipulative and well calculated. I can't approach him with the notion of separation due to my own fears of him. I kinda have to wait till he is calm enough and passive enough to be able to be rational. Those times are few and far between.
> 
> I know a separation is coming, I have told him, but he is in denial I guess. I assume with the denial of separation comes the resuming of life as normal. (His kind of normal) and he is gonna want me to aid him in some kind of sexual release and "NO" is not an option. I am looking for the least detrimental to me and my mental health and the least convincing of love to him.


His need for sex is not insane, but his expectation, and your expectation that you are the outlet for it, is insane.

When you mentioned separation he shut it down, because with each of the calculated manipulations he's executed on you over the years he's figured out what works to his end and what doesn't. He knows that by completely disregarding an obstacle it will just go away. He's disregarded your expressions of wanting to leave and in return here you are figuring out how to continue to pacify him sexually.

Why would he pay attention to a threat from you? If he ignores it then his problems just go away.

Don't "approach him with the notion of separation" because like I said before until YOU actually do something nothing is going to change for you. In order to separate YOU have to either move out of the home, or else YOU have to hire a lawyer to draft and serve a legal separation. Until you do one of those things, you will be in the exact same situation, you cannot do anything to get him to initiate a separation because he doesn't want to.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Lon said:


> Don't "approach him with the notion of separation" because like I said before until YOU actually do something nothing is going to change for you. In order to separate YOU have to either move out of the home, or else YOU have to hire a lawyer to draft and serve a legal separation. Until you do one of those things, you will be in the exact same situation, you cannot do anything to get him to initiate a separation because he doesn't want to.


Thank you. You and Sam say pretty much the same thing. What you are saying is said a little more gently and I appreciate that. You are so right. It is gonna be a matter of weeks (hopefully a few short weeks) before I can approach him and have all my ducks in a row. Until then I need to stir up as little crap as possible.

SAM - you are correct. This is what I am doing.

Quote by samyeagar: "The only reason I see to continue to keep satisfying him sexually is so that you can buy yourself time to get your exit plan in place while making as few waves as possible." 

I already feel lower then pond scum, but yes you nailed it on the head. That is what I am doing. I am planning on it being very temporary. I hope to be able to make it end soon.


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## abe7333 (Sep 27, 2014)

I don't know. When my wife gives me a hJ or BJ, I always try to return the favor. Every man is different and giving BJ or sex is not going to change anything. Don't ignore issues. I learned the hard way.


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