# Female tendencies destroying me



## boots30 (Nov 2, 2013)

Hi,
I have been married 20 years now and discovered a few years into my marriage my husband enjoyed cross dressing. I allowed him to do this in front of me but found it very disturbing and sexually unappealling. Two children later I have had a roller coaster of a marriage - as has he. He stopped X dressing so obviously due to having the children grow up, but started to wear eye make up on a daily basis, I couldn't cope so this went to just mascara. The mascara went when he realised I could not look him in the face. This has been replaced by wearing womens ankle boots under his jeans. My 6 ft husband is now 7 ft on a daily basis. Under his jeans are womens pants, stockings and one of 30+ pairs of womens boots. I guess his jeans sort of hide the heel, but I am just exploding inside with the stress of it all. He is a gentle man who wants to love and be loved, but all I can do is obsess over this. He refuses to stop wearing them, saying they do no harm and no one else treats him like a freak. He buys at least 1 pair a week. I want to try to make this marriage work for the sake of the children at least, but I am deeply saddened and basically miserable to be around!! I need a sense of perspective and to try and look at the good and not obsess over this...but easier said than done. He has given up a lot of his tendencies for me but...I AM NOT DEALING WITH it! Please advise


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Why would you stay married for 20 years to someone you find "disturbing"?

How can that be real love?


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## boots30 (Nov 2, 2013)

A bizarre loyalty - he had a breakdown, child has an illness. So I guess I just trying to do my best for them, as they benefit from a family unit.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Aw...that is really sad, for all of you. 

Does he know you are disgusted by his CD and is he ok with that? Does he feel in love with you regardless?


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## boots30 (Nov 2, 2013)

Yes he knows I struggle with it, hence he has adjusted it over the years...to now 'just' wearing the women's ankle boots. He thinks this is a great comprimise. I should see it as that...but think I am trying to control him/make the husband I married out of him and clearly that is not possible. He has tried over the last few weeks to give me lots of love, but i am so cold because all I obsess over are the boots!


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Has he been to therapy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Ah boots, I really feel for all of you involved in this. He is what he is and I am afraid he cant change. You said he has given up a lot of tendencies for you, so it is obvious he loves you deeply. But what can you do with your feelings? You also have a right to be happy.

I found this website on google.
Helping Wives of Crossdressers to Understand and Cope

I think you would benefit from talking to other people who are going through the same situation. 
Best of luck to all of you. Keep the faith. Love each other, and I hope understanding comes to you both.


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## boots30 (Nov 2, 2013)

No. He gets angry if I try to talk about it and walks out. He says he does not need therapy because he is doing nothing wrong/harmful and that all I need to do is let him love me...as he is.


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## boots30 (Nov 2, 2013)

Thank you. I will look at the website. He is totally obsessed with feet, so the heeled boots and stockings are a way of getting an instant lift in what is now a miserable marriage. I relax with him when he is in his work clothes as they are normal, so I must love him, I just bristle and go into a locked in world when I am around him in his heels. I try to rationalise and say he is a good dad, a good person and I shouldn't be so judgemental, but I can't make the logic take over my heart. i am totally disabling myself and making myself truly miserable. When he had a breakdown life was terrible for 2 years; the make up in public was awful, so I should be grateful...but am just a mental wreck!!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

How about if you offer a compromise? Offer to never wear pants again if he'll give up the ladies ankle boots?

At one time, it was illegal for women to wear pants or any man's clothing. 

It seems he has toned down the ways he expresses his feminine side as a favor to you. Return the favor and don't give him grief over his footwear. Actually, the footwear is probably the least offensive thing he could do. Just be thankful he hasn't donned those ridiculous Uggs.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

That's the problem, it seems the can't live without this, but it's also seems like a coping mechanism. He seems to want you to compromise on everything but not him. Maybe try to convince him to go to marriage counseling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

By the way, how do your childen feel about this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Do you know specifically why you find this behavior revolting? It might seem obvious, but i'm not sure it is. Do you think he is gay? Do you see him as less masculine? Is it the fear of ridicule from others who see him this way? Is it a religious thing? I'm not saying your feelings are wrong, but why you feel this way could have a big impact on your ability to come to terms with it.

How is the rest of the relationship? Sex life, emotional intimacy, etc?

In truth, I think your marriage may be doomed. He will likely become increasingly resentful of sacrificing his need to cross dress for you and you still judging him negatively. I wish you luck, but it seems like you are both living in an unhappy situation, unable to please the other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## boots30 (Nov 2, 2013)

I actually had a little giggle there Blondilocks! Haven't done that for a while. Thank you. The boots are ridiculous - shaped women's cowboy boots which elevate him 9 more inches! But they are under jeans.
There is no more bargaining - he has given up his day make up (for now) and the night time X dressing, so this is his outlet. My issue is I never knew about this and certainly didn't buy into it so i am resentful and find it tricky to be 'grateful' that he has given up so much for me. I come from a very conservative family so all this sits really badly with me. I know I need to let loose a little-just how is the big bit!! He defo won't do counselling as he sees absolutely nothing wrong in what he is doing and just sees me as a control freak. Thanks everyone for your support and advice. I am at such a low point.


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## boots30 (Nov 2, 2013)

Hi Zookeeper,
I find it difficult because I married a man, and find a feminine version very unappealing. Also, it is because of the way that others will judge and I don't want people teasing/bullying the kids. Sexually we have nothing at all. He is very sexual, I am not now as I just have images of him as a woman in my head. I also try to stay aloof so I don't hurt as much - but actually it is a crap plan as I am hurting like hell. When he cuddles me I cry because I want to be held and loved, I just cannot come to terms with the fact he is holding me wearing stockings, heeled boots. I think the CD side to him is part of his nature but it is also a 'bit of fun' as he describes it, titillation, a way of releasing his fantasy of women who wear stocking and high heels. When we have had an active sex life it has been the icing on the cake for him - it certainly doesn't stop him from doing this. He used to try to have sex with me wearing lipstick and heels.


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## boots30 (Nov 2, 2013)

He is not gay, he is very very attracted to women so much so I think he wants to emulate them.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Lol he sees nothing wrong with it. He should move to my city. Men with mustache walk around in dresses and that's ok. But what's not ok that you are not ok with it. I quite franky would cringe. There are many reasons why people cross dress, but he should address why he needs to. I think he has tested your patience long enough. Maybe you should seek therapy for yourself so that you can filter your feeling and deal with this better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Well there you have it. This is a fundamental issue for you. I don't see you having a lot of success accepting this.

You can try marriage counseling, but I doubt it will offer you any relief. He is already suppressing much of his desire, he is unlikely to agree to turn it off entirely.

You are staring at a pivotal decision. What will it be?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## boots30 (Nov 2, 2013)

I think that is my only option. I am making myself ill while he is having a lovely time spending money each week on his heels. I keep trying to see it from his viewpoint and can do so a bit and yes he has made compromises, he ain't gonna change as this has been going on virtually all our marriage and as said above, this is probs the best I have had offered. But, yeah it makes me cringe and more importantly resentful cos I want to be happy like so many of my friends.


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## boots30 (Nov 2, 2013)

It will be to stay for the sake of the kids until they are older and have left and then it will probably be to leave. But I am looking at another 6 years of feeling so low if I don't sort myself out!


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## boots30 (Nov 2, 2013)

In the way I want to...they raise their eyebrows and get on with things. But my battles with him meant the make up stopped before the kids were more aware.


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## boots30 (Nov 2, 2013)

They react with bemusement but it hasnot harmed them yet. They only know about the boots. The rest they are ignorant of.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I found another useful site. This one has a clear outline of rights.
http://www.tri-ess.org/Wives_CDs_BofR.html

And another one 

http://www.lauras-playground.com/cd_why_faq.htm


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## boots30 (Nov 2, 2013)

Thank you. And thank you everyone for trying to help


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I have a very dear cross-dressing friend who has struggled with this for many years. It cost him his marriage and also a very loving long term relationship. 

I don't profess to understand cross-dressing, but I do understand the pain my friend has been through because of his very deep need to express this part of his personality. 

I also understand the way you feel about your H, OP, because as I once told my friend - many women would feel turned off or uncomfortable being physically intimate with a man dressed as a woman.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I commend you for your loyalty. It is so very hard to find a wife he will stay through all of that. But is it worth it? You are clearly doing harm to yourself. This is not happiness for you or him.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Boots, it's not going to harm the kids. Your lack of respect for their father will have already done that long before then.

Is he into transvestic fetishism, or is there another stated reason he's CD? In the face of you saying you accept him, you seem resentful dating back to his breakdown and seem to actually not accept him at all for who and how he is. You can dislike it, but accepting that this is your new reality in marriage would go a long way. YOU need IC as well as him; he has made more than one concession _for your ease and comfort_, and here you are stating it's not enough for you. Is anything enough, OP?

This sounds harsh, but I'm not going to blow sunshine up your rear: both of you have issues, and you are shaming for his core being, which he (very likely rightfully, based upon your reaction) hid from you. It would be doing you both a favor to leave him and *share* custody of the kids, as you're not doing either one of you any favors toward happiness.

Here are realistic links about CD as both fetish and form of identity expression. HE gets to decide which one applies to him, not you.
Psych view #1

Gender Centre


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## boots30 (Nov 2, 2013)

Cosmos, thank you for giving that perspective. It helps to keep me strong. Sinnister, I understand exactly what you are saying. In terms of my own happiness-absolutely not. It is quite awful. In terms of the health of one of my children and the happiness of both in terms of security and being with both parents a resounding yes. My poor family relationships as a chld has made it harder for me to have a good maried relationship I believe. I want my children to have the security and be able to form relationships in the future, they don't have much idea at all of my pain and suffering-remarkably! I am hoping he will one day view me as a little more important than his image, but if not when the children are older I shall leave. It is keeping my head straight for the next few years that is the problem!


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## boots30 (Nov 2, 2013)

Hi Tikikeen,
Thanks for your response. It has been a difficult one to accept. A few years into the marriage my husband insisted on dressing from head to toe in front of me because he didn't want to be evasive. This then became an obsession and he was CD every night. I didn't stop it, I tried to accept it. He would put more and more into the CD, wanting to have sex with me wearing lipstick, shoes etc. It was when the children were born he chose to not CD in the house but adapted the look to wearing make up during the day. I hated it but it happened for over a year - so he got to do what he wanted. He buys women's boots for day to day wear once or twice a week. He knows it stresses me financially as well as the implications, but he chooses to do this anyway. When I ask him the reasons it is "fun". He doesn't want to be a woman he tells me, is not gay, just likes "dressing up". I do dislike it, but have accepted this is the reality in my marriage and I am trying to find a way of not being obsessed with it to the point of my own destruction. It is all very well accepting his "fun", but I asked him if he could have his "fun" more privately and not involve me and indeed the family and friends. Is that not a compromise? He has never hid anything from me, quite the opposite. He has always wanted me to watch and see it, even though he knew how much it hurt/saddened me. He wont do any kind of counselling as he sees it as something where I should just accept what he is doing and be happy. I want to try to do that, but am failing at all the hurdles. The kids would hate our marriage to fail.


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## boots30 (Nov 2, 2013)

Tikkikeen, I have read up the crossdressing secion in the 'Gender Centre' link. My husband is NOT ashamed at all of his CD image - he is more inconvenienced by my attitude but still does what he needs/wants to do. He does not hide it - he has over 1,000 pairs of shoes in the house, all in our wardrobes etc. He puts stockings on daily, takes my underwear from my drawers without permission and wears it. I hope this reassures you that he is happy in his ways.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Boots, did you know about your H's cross-dressing before you married him? Also, how old are your children?


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## boots30 (Nov 2, 2013)

No, I had absolutely no idea. However, I do remember seeing a pair of women's heels in his room when we were students. I kept wondering when he was gonna gift them to me..they never came. I realised why when we were married and he was CD, they were never for me.

Kids are teenagers now, youngest 14.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Whoa. 1000? And he's borrowing clothes without asking? Oh heck no.

My original point was that you're concerned now that you have children, when you had the option to not have children and learn about CD before then. But....he's just selfish, all other things aside.

I wasn't aware that he (a)was using joint funds without asking/budgeting with you. (I was under the impression you simply didn't like him buying a new pair each week), and (b)how cruel he is by wearing your clothes _and_ without asking.

The breach of personal space, invasion of privacy and spending joint assets, while refusing counseling for even those behaviors is the main issue, although your part may well be creating an atmosphere of rancor when you changed your mind depending on how you expressed it. If he did those things without CD being in the picture, you'd probably feel the same way (for instance, if he took other important personal items and used them, then basically told you to get over it.) 

What does your IC say about where you're at emotionally? Asking him to hide it completely from you and joint friends might be a it much...if he weren't being a jerk about respecting finances and space. I would never dream of thinking a CD was gay, but I also grew up in a diverse community and wasn't exposed to 'the usual' stuff, so to speak.

He really is being a dork; thank you for the additional detail.


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## boots30 (Nov 2, 2013)

To be honest, the CD emerged after we had our first child, that is when it really started. With the second I would be breastfeeding while he walked around me fully CD. In terms of the finances he says he works hard for his money and is entitled to spend it as he sees fit as long as we have a basic standard of living. There never has been discussion over the CD. He won't explain it, help me see why, he just shouts or refuses to speak about it. If I buy something he tends to copy it, so I then wont wear the similar outfit. I have bottled everything up and this is the first reaching out to anyone re my emotional state. I want to adjust the way I think so that I can cope and provide a settled home for the family. One of us has to change and that will have to be me.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Are you sure about that? The change needed for your well-being might not be "stay and placate".

IC sounds like it's a good idea right now for you.


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## boots30 (Nov 2, 2013)

I just want to give the kids a home with both parents they adore. I can't think of any other way than 'stay and placate'. I can't imagine any other way, and I can't imagine marriage being something that brings happiness and well being. That is why I have reached out to you guys! For advice.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

With any marriage the main problem here is that something is bothering you and your spouse refuses to acknowledge it and to go to counseling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Holy cow! It's beginning to sound like this man is competing with you. Wearing your undies, prancing around in drag while you were breastfeeding, copying your clothing, wearing makeup in public while with you. Wanting you to observe him while he was dressed up. 

Reminds me of a child who gets into mommy's wardrobe and makeup and then goes to show her.

1000 pair of shoes? He needs help. Good luck sticking it out for the kids. Maybe he can sell the shoes on ebay to pay his attorney.


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## boots30 (Nov 2, 2013)

We can get on really well when he is just himself - no extra effort going into having his 'fun' image. Since August he has bought 30+ pairs of boots and I go to 3 different supermarkets to find bargains!!
Sadly, he refuses to go out without his heeled boots now, even though I asked him if we could strip our marriage back to when it was good now and then and for him to go out with me one night in normal footwear. He won't.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

boots30 said:


> I just want to give the kids a home with both parents they adore. I can't think of any other way than 'stay and placate'. I can't imagine any other way, and I can't imagine marriage being something that brings happiness and well being. That is why I have reached out to you guys! For advice.


Boots, my only advice to you is this. As much as you might want your kids to grow up in a home with both parents, if you really can't tolerate your H's CD (and I doubt that he's able to change), it mightn't be in their best interests for you and your H to stay together... If you and your H were to part company, you could both remain equally as involved in your children's lives - just not as a couple.


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## boots30 (Nov 2, 2013)

I get that, I just want to learn how to accept this more in my life and then make choices in about 5 years time when there is only myself to think about. I think I have basically lost interest in being happy for me, and like I said earlier I have loyalty due to my child's interest; also don't want to trigger H another breakdown. My sense of loyalty and I guess sacrifice/disinterest in me far outweighs my urge to have a better life at the moment. Or perhaps I have no fight left?


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

boots30 said:


> he has over 1,000 pairs of shoes in the house, all in our wardrobes etc.


1000 pairs???

I have to shake someone back to reality here. Even if the actual number is half that, the issue is no longer cross-dressing. Real women don't buy that many shoes (at least none that I've met). The real issue is called compulsive hoarding!

And he needs treatment for that, if nothing else. Moreover, all this wasted spending must be taking a toll on your finances unless you two are very wealthy.


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## boots30 (Nov 2, 2013)

Theseus, the actual number is that. Sadly. This has been accumulating for 20 years, 30 pairs in 2 months. We are not well off. We have a very basic standard of living. It really angers me and I am resentful of having to do without. Yes OCD is an issue. No he doesn't feel counselling is needed. Crap eh?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

boots30 said:


> I get that, I just want to learn how to accept this more in my life and then make choices in about 5 years time when there is only myself to think about. I think I have basically lost interest in being happy for me, and like I said earlier I have loyalty due to my child's interest; also don't want to trigger H another breakdown. My sense of loyalty and I guess sacrifice/disinterest in me far outweighs my urge to have a better life at the moment. Or perhaps I have no fight left?


In that case, Boots, I think counseling might help... 5 years is a long time, and as you're already unhappy I think professional support might help.

You can't be forced to accept that which you find unacceptable, but perhaps a counselor could help you come to terms with it in the short term.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Theseus said:


> 1000 pairs???
> 
> I have to shake someone back to reality here. Even if the actual number is half that, the issue is no longer cross-dressing. Real women don't buy that many shoes (at least none that I've met). The real issue is called compulsive hoarding!
> 
> And he needs treatment for that, if nothing else. Moreover, all this wasted spending must be taking a toll on your finances unless you two are very wealthy.


I was thinking the same thing, that's way to many shoes for anyone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## boots30 (Nov 2, 2013)

Thank you Cosmos for your good wishes and support.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

mablenc said:


> With any marriage the main problem here is that something is bothering you and your spouse refuses to acknowledge it and to go to counseling.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well at the very least if he goes to counseling he will look fabulous.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> This sounds harsh, but I'm not going to blow sunshine up your rear: both of you have issues, and you are shaming for his core being, which he (very likely rightfully, based upon your reaction) hid from you.


No sex-supportive guru would get behind the idea of hiding something this serious from a partner before the consideration of marriage. If you realize that your potential life-long spouse would shame you for your "core being" and you don't bring that up until years later, I think you did yourself and your partner a serious disservice by trying to pretend it away. There's no "rightful" way to hide something like this and expect it to turn out right. 

And this doesn't sound like a kink, its turned in a true obsession/compulsion when you are starting to risk your finances for it and turning into a TV-worthy hoarder. Seriously, Liberace would probably be jealous.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

I can't believe you're letting OP off the hook for her part, but thanks for picking and choosing which parts of my post you want to dissect. (The other part agreed that he's being a selfish narcissist.

OP also led him on, with 'trying' to accept him, but also alternately shaming him.


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## jitterbug73 (Jun 24, 2013)

Are your children well dressed and have all their needs met? This is what worries me. As a parent I never buy myself anything until I make sure there isn't anything my children might need or could use.


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

Hi boots - Just caught up on your thread. I was in a 9 year relationship (6 year marriage) with a person who was increasingly into crossdressing -- I won't get into the whole story, as each one is different. But here are my two cents.

It is important to you H that he express himself. Clearly. 

It is also important that you have your needs met in your intimate partnership. 

If he is able to express himself but you are not getting your needs met, you can do two things IMO. 

1) TAlk to him/convince him to see a counsellor with you. This is a big deal and you need to both be on the same page; namely, respecting each others' needs. Neither of you is really doing this now.

2) Realize he is not going to meet you on this (and him repressing his needs is not a healthy compromise for either of you) -- be VERY clear with him and yourself about why this is happening, if you can -- and get yourself out of a relationship that is not respectful. As strong as you may be, living for years without feeling loved or respected with destroy yours and your partner's self esteem. And that is the worst message of all to pass onto your children. 

The loving thing to do here is to love yourself, know what you need, ask for it from your H, and then get on with what you need to do. I don't advocate breaking up a marriage lightly, but if you are banging your head against a wall or falling into a loveless depression, you need to communication with your H, try to save things together, or get out. 

Best of luck to you. This is a huge ordeal to go through so please be easy on yourself , and easy on your H, too.


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## boots30 (Nov 2, 2013)

Well what a difference a week makes - two more pairs of boots, but I did go to counselling - by myself. Thought I was feeling a bit stronger until I saw the boots! Tried to talk to my H about them, 5 mins later he walked out saying he would not discuss anything. 

My kids have their basic needs met. I am not buying any treats like takeouts etc so that the boots can be afforded. I try to be the one who does without.

I don't 'shame' his core being. I have tried to deal with it and make it fit into our lives but not dominate, but have reached cracking point. At this point, I would have hoped for some gentle help from my H. Hope has gone.

Thank you Lisa for your post. Has your partnership survived this? I really appreciate you offering your story. I thought after counselling I could deal with this a bit better and am gutted with myself for being in a blind panic now!


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## boots30 (Nov 2, 2013)

Sorry I called you 'Lisa' not 'Lucy'. I m in a bit of a panic after he walked out. I tried to tell him what was said in counselling, but he wasn't interested and told me he wasn't. There is no way he will go as he says he doesn't understand why I obsess over the boots and don't just "get on with my life". All I want in terms of my needs is our relationship going back to when we were best friends and mattered to each other as people. I just don't understand why he is happy to carry on in his path and see me crumble without even talking to me. Thanks for advice anyway x


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

boots30 said:


> My 6 ft husband is now 7 ft on a daily basis. Under his jeans are womens pants, stockings and one of 30+ pairs of womens boots.


Are you saying that he’s wearing boots that have such high heels and thick soles that they add a foot to his height?

What does he do for a living that he is able to dress like this?


boots30 said:


> He buys at least 1 pair a week


How much money is he spending on these boots? They can be very expensive.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

boots30 said:


> Well what a difference a week makes - two more pairs of boots, but I did go to counselling - by myself. Thought I was feeling a bit stronger until I saw the boots! Tried to talk to my H about them, 5 mins later he walked out saying he would not discuss anything.
> 
> My kids have their basic needs met. I am not buying any treats like takeouts etc so that the boots can be afforded. I try to be the one who does without.


Do you and he have a savings account so that you can survive 6-12 months should he lose his job, get sick, etc?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TikiKeen said:


> This sounds harsh, but I'm not going to blow sunshine up your rear: both of you have issues, and you are shaming for his core being, which he (very likely rightfully, based upon your reaction) hid from you.


I quoted this because it will help me make the point I'm about to discuss... not to attack you Tikikeen in any way.

Boots, the above quote seems to say clearly state things from your husband’s point of view.

Now he has given into your demands to play down his CD over the years…. but only with deep resentment on his part.

What he misses, and I think you miss as well, is that while CD might be his ‘core being’, you’re not wanting to be with a man who ‘CDs’ is your ‘core being’. 

He does not want to be shamed for who he is. Well, you also should not be shamed for who you are. 

Your husband seems to completely miss the point that your feelings are as valid as his. While he is for some reason driven to CD, you are also driven by some internal things to be who you are… and you are not a woman who can deal with his fetish. The two of you are profoundly incompatible.

Embrace who YOU are. You are not a woman who can deal with a CD husband. There is nothing wrong with that. You do not need to learn to accept his fetish. 

To me it also sounds like he is escalating. Buying hundreds of pairs of women’s shoes/boots is not healthy behavior. It’s a fetish that is getting out of control. With this escalation, is your husband spending more and more time away from home?


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## boots30 (Nov 2, 2013)

Part of the problem in this marriage is guilt - and it is mainly myself who feels it. I keep believing I shouldn't challenge him, his behaviour, that it is his 'core being' etc, However, it is expensive - £40-60 per week. I am compensating by not buying normal things in the week/ shopping at 3 different supermarkets etc. Thank you for seeing it from my perspective. He says it is just 'fun'.. well it isn't fun on my point, it is destructive, and what fun is there in seeing someone hurt so much. I asked tonight if he could buy a pair of boots I could cope with - just silent defiance. Yes, some heels are 9" plus.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Is it 'just fun' or is it a need? If it's 'just fun', than why don't you have some fun and spend a boatload of money on yourself and let him worry about paying the bills?

Actually, he has enough shoes/boots that he can go the rest of his life playing dress-up. The buying is an obsession and he doesn't appear to give a rat that you are doing without. That isn't fair!


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## boots30 (Nov 2, 2013)

That is what I struggle with - the fact that he doesn't care about me. I understand the nourishing of the inner core, but it smacks of icing on the cake to me. My desire to talk things through, come up with some way forward are always ignored as he walks out. That is how important my feelings are. He knows how I feel about the money never mind the appearance of the boots, but blatantly buys at least one pair a week. I know I should just chuck in the towel and see if his boots are so important, it just smacks of being too selfish to split up the family because of my 'issues'. I know you can't help really, but it is helpful just to be able to offload. So thank you everyone. I feel like a pressure cooker. Tonight I was ready to blast when I found more boots and more online orders.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

I was pointing out that OP is shaming him. She is. he's also insanely disrespectful to her, which was her justification.

OP, tackling your codependency has to happen before anything else. You are adjusting survival shopping to avoid conflict with him. You should not feel pressured to skimp on food and necessities.

As incompatible as you two really are, it's not just because of the CD stuff: it's because he disrespects you an you expected him to change. He didn't.

Please continue with therapy. It will strengthen you.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Was his compulsive spending this obvious earlier in the marriage?


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## boots30 (Nov 2, 2013)

He didn't spend a thing! Couple pairs jeans, trainers, few tops, not interested in his appearance at all. We spent money on going out together, having fun, just enjoying each others company. It was all very simple.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Boots,

Something has happened to escalate your husband's behavior. I asked you earlier if he goes out on his own more now. This is an important question.

Your staying in marriage that has you this unhappy makes no sense at all. You children are not really benefitting from you staying. What do you think that they are learning from you and your husband? Some of the lessons that they are learning is that it's ok for him to disrespect their mother. It's ok for their mother to be unhappy. They are leaning that it's ok for one spouse to blow all the money on nonsense while the other gets nothing really. 

We model what family life should be to our children. Your children will grow up to have marriages like the one you are having right now.. that is unless you start to teach them that this is no acceptable.

If you stay with their father out of some misguided loyalty/obligation, that is putting a huge responsibility on your children. How do you think they will feel when they find out that you stayed because of them? They will most likely feel that you are making them responsible for your misery. This is not fair to do to children. It's an unfair burden on them.

Perhaps it's time for you to start making a life of your own. You'd need to start by getting a job. Get more education if you need it.

What is the situation where you live for child support and alimony?


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## boots30 (Nov 2, 2013)

Hi, yes he does go out more on his own with a group of friends now. It isn't real love. Anyway, you all gave me courage to let rip this morning and for once I did not put myself down, feel guilty, try and see things from his point of view more than mine. He did the usual - not talk but later on in the day say he was ready to talk. He has agree to wear his boots at home, but when we go out as a family he will wear more 'family' suited ones. The money side of things was touched on, but I don't think I will push things further. I was able to talk for a long time - the first time- about how he makes me feel worthless and unimportant. It helped to pour out my emotions. I have a job, but it is part time, I might have to see if I can get more hours. Am not sure about alimony...
I will see what happens next, but I have a little more strength and courage thanks to you guys so I will see what happens and take on board what you say about the kids. All of this is kept from them - but they will see me being sad. Thanks again for your support.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Good that you finally were able to talk to him about your truth in all of this.

To me, him going out more is an important thing. He is most likely engaging in things when he's out with friends that would make you very unhappy. This is probably part of what is emboldening him and has him acting out more. What are his friends like? How do they react to his CD?

Have you checked his online activities?


You way that tis "isn't real love". If that's the case it's time to move on.

You also need to push on the financial issues. By law anything you both bring in belongs to both of you. He is wasting your martial income. Something that helps to put things in perspective is that when/if you divorce, you could get stuck paying half of all debt regardless of how much you can earn on your own. In divorce, often assets and debts are split 50/50. If you have legal liability to pay, you are do have the right to say where the money is spent. Some states are equitable distribution states so in these states a judge is more likely to assign debt at a ratio according to your income. Even in community property states some judges will do this. But it remains that you will most likely take some portion of the debt with you if/when you divorce.

You say that you do not know about alimony. The way to find out is to get an appointment with a lawyer. There are many who will give free 30-60 minute consultations on the first visit. There is also a lot online about divorce laws in every state. 

If you will share with us (here on is PM) what state you live in, we can give you some help in finding out what your rights are.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

boots30 said:


> Thank you. I will look at the website. He is totally obsessed with feet, so the heeled boots and stockings are a way of getting an instant lift in what is now a miserable marriage. I relax with him when he is in his work clothes as they are normal, so I must love him, I just bristle and go into a locked in world when I am around him in his heels. I try to rationalise and say he is a good dad, a good person and I shouldn't be so judgemental, but I can't make the logic take over my heart. i am totally disabling myself and making myself truly miserable. When he had a breakdown life was terrible for 2 years; the make up in public was awful, so I should be grateful...but am just a mental wreck!!


Are you sexually attracted to him when he is not wearing anything "female"?


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

Ummm...I hate to break it to you but you have a major major issue on your hands. Being a guy I'll dare to say it doesn't end there. Have you looked into his internet habits? Travel schedule and if he's out getting his rear end pounded by a guy named Rodney? Not trying to paint a doomy picture but the last time a close friend of mine had this problem her state trooper husband ended up turning out to be mor than just a closetted crossdresser. He was also doing "tranny" type things in hotel rooms when he had the opportunity. She found out a few months after he retired via his computer files which led to his stash of where kept the more explicit stuff.

Keep your eyes open. I wish you the best.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

Has he been to a Dr. to rule out gender dysmorphia?


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