# Can a 2-week break save our relationship?



## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We are in our late 20s and yet he still has years of intense training ahead for his job (medicine). So he finally admitted to me, a few months back, that he doesn't want to get married & have kids for another 5 years. I'm ok with waiting but what is our life together in the meantime? 


He agreed to move in with me after 1 year but only because he felt "pressured" and thought that saying yes would take my mind off wanting an engagement/real commitment. Didn't say "I love you" for a full year... and the first night he finally said it, he was trying to reassure me that he does eventually want to marry me someday (because I was asking him questions, insecure about how serious he really is abuot me). But he immediately went out to the bar & tried to meet up with a single girl with whom he'd been flirting behind my back. 


He kept saying we're just on different timetables with marriage and he doesn't want to fight about it anymore, it's impairing his productivity. Well I don't want to spend 5 more years living with a guy who won't even put a ring on it, and furthermore, he spends ALL his free time working on endless extra work projects that he chooses to pick up. Some nights he's in the office all evening long, and I understand. But I'll pop in and say "hey I'm going to bed, do you think you could come to bed with me & maybe just cuddle for a few minutes until I fall asleep?" He refuses, can't be distracted from his work. He NEVER plans dates, or even hour-long breaks from his work to do anything with me. Puts 0 effort into the relationship.


we are still living together but right now he doesn't really want me to talk to him or touch him; he's behind on his work and wants to finish it. He's definitely not kicking me out of our apartment or anything. He said he doesn't want to talk for "2 weeks" and then he'll see if he "feels like talking." should I use this time to make him miss me? and absence makes the heart grow fonder and if I'm not in his space all the time, eventually he'll love me again?

Note: He didn't say "I want to take a break" for 2 weeks. He just said he doesn't want to talk and wants space to do his work! He said "You told me you'd respect the fact that I'm behind on work and need space to get it done, not have more drama with you. So why are you still hounding me about talking about the relationship?" I said "Fine do your work today, can we talk tomorrow?" and he was just annoyed. He said "in 2 weeks." It's not him saying "I want a break." He'd kick me out, un-invite me to his buddy's wedding next month (as of now he knows I'm going), or tell others in public that we're broken up. (He doesn't, he acts like all is fine.)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I was married to a guy who went to medical school after we married. So here is my take on your situation.

Medical school is awful.. the hours are brutal. He is overwhelmed. He needs to concentrate on his education. So give him the break..

Further.... 

The chances of him marring your and/or your relationship lasting through medical school and residency is about 2%.

Most people dump their SO/spouse after medical school. Most of the rest do it after residency. Why? It's too hard on relationships and by then end of training there is nothing left.

And.. if their SO/spouse has less education then them.. they feel that it is no longer a good match.

If he does not want you to talk to him or touch him, he's chasing some other girl... your relationship is toast already.

My suggestion is that you give him the 2 weeks but plan to move out.. with all of your stuff. Interact with him according to the 180 (see the link below in my signature block.) It will make your stronger if you do this.

Move on with your life.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

Hi Ele Girl, I think you misunderstood. He isn't kicking me out. Only his name is on the lease, so legally he could definitely kick me out, but he isn't. He'll talk to me occasionally. But he says he can't keep fighting bc it impairs work productivity. He didn't say he needs "a break" as in a breakup for 2 weeks. He just said we can "talk in 2 weeks," which I take to mean, he wants me to prove that I actually respect him and his space and job enough to back off. He is NOT asking me to move out when he says that. And he did NOT un-invite me to his friend's wedding next month; my point is that those friends, and all the others, think we're still together which means he believes so too or he would've at least told the people having the wedding or something.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

He doesn't sound ready for the type of relationship that you are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

learning112 said:


> Hi Ele Girl, I think you misunderstood. He isn't kicking me out. Only his name is on the lease, so legally he could definitely kick me out, but he isn't. He'll talk to me occasionally. But he says he can't keep fighting bc it impairs work productivity. He didn't say he needs "a break" as in a breakup for 2 weeks. He just said we can "talk in 2 weeks," which I take to mean, he wants me to prove that I actually respect him and his space and job enough to back off. He is NOT asking me to move out when he says that. And he did NOT un-invite me to his friend's wedding next month; my point is that those friends, and all the others, think we're still together which means he believes so too or he would've at least told the people having the wedding or something.


That sentence is very confusing... the last one but moving out and uninviting you, or not.

You might want to re-word it.

The rest of my post stands. As Conan says, he's not ready for the kind of relationship you want. I doubt is will last 5 years.

You are trying to force a square peg into a round hole.

If this were not true, he would have no problem addressing your issues in a way that was satisfactory to both of you.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I was married to a guy who went to medical school after we married. So here is my take on your situation.
> 
> Medical school is awful.. the hours are brutal. He is overwhelmed. He needs to concentrate on his education. So give him the break..
> 
> ...


Post oF the day and all you need.

Reread it.

Ten times.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Post oF the day and all you need.
> 
> Reread it.
> 
> Ten times.


That post isn't based on reality! He did NOT un-invite me to his friend's wedding. We were just talking about flights. All his friends think everything is just great between us. And he never told me to "get out" for those 2 weeks. It's his apartment, he could certainly kick me out if he wanted. He just said can't I finally respect his need to get all his projects and work done when he's at home?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

learning112 said:


> That post isn't based on reality! He did NOT un-invite me to his friend's wedding. We were just talking about flights. All his friends think everything is just great between us. And he never told me to "get out" for those 2 weeks. It's his apartment, he could certainly kick me out if he wanted. He just said can't I finally respect his need to get all his projects and work done when he's at home?


Yes but everything else stands.

He told you to not touch him. Do you know what the means?

It means he's is rejecting you.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

If you really mattered to him he would've found the time to sit down with you and work on a 'plan'.

For his own peace of mind,, he'd check with you that you're prepared for less-than-ideal attention while he studies. Then, work/income plans, where to live and where marriage fits into that. External factors would affect the plan,, but you could establish that you were on the same page.

Any 'distracting whining' you're doing is directly attributable to his complacency.

If I were you, that complacency would concern me more than Ele's studying horror tale. Happy couples weather such storms,, cuz they're on the same page.

You're miserable and doubt-ridden already, for reasons all too obvious to me.

He's always studying,,, yet still behind. He can't find time to give you a cuddle but can find time to flirt with another girl. He then pays attention to that girl on one of the rare occasions you go out. If he cared, such occasions would be all about you. 'Rewarding' you for supporting him through his studies. 

Face it (cliché alert!) - He's just not that into you.

He doesn't kick you out cuz you're 'sex on tap'. For him, that's fair trade for a bit of 'whining'. Another girl might be more of a distraction,, as would be chasing a string of hook-ups. 

You're there for him and you don't whine too much when when he's not there for you. You're 'perfect',,, for now, for him. You and your plans for the future are barely on his radar. Hence,, not worth a 10 minute reassuring cuddle,, not worth planning a future with.

This is already over. It's only a matter of when. You can choose that,, and IMMEDIATELY would be your wisest choice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

learning112 said:


> All his friends think everything is just great between us.


What other's think does not matter. What matters is what is going on between the two of you.

You are so unsure of your relationship and feel so threatened that you asked, "can a 2-wekk break save our relationship?". IF all he wanted was a 2-week, in-house break so he can study and all else was fine, you would not be asking that question. You would not be in a panic on the internet looking for an answer.



learning112 said:


> That post isn't based on reality! He did NOT un-invite me to his friend's wedding. We were just talking about flights. All his friends think everything is just great between us. And he never told me to "get out" for those 2 weeks. It's his apartment, he could certainly kick me out if he wanted. He just said can't I finally respect his need to get all his projects and work done when he's at home?


The last part of your post says that he'd kick you out and un-invite you.

*He said "in 2 weeks." It's not him saying "I want a break." *
that is one sentence. The "not" belongs to "I want a break".


*He'd kick me out, un-invite me to his buddy's wedding next month (as of now he knows I'm going), or tell others in public that we're broken up. (He doesn't, he acts like all is fine.) *

The above says that he is going to kick you out and un-invite you.

Here I rewrote it for you.

*He said "in 2 weeks." So he wants a 2 week, in-home break.

He is not kicking me out or uninviting me from his buddy's wedding next month. He's not telling people that we are broken up. He is acting as though we are fine. *

If all he is asking is for you to give him some space for two weeks while nothing else changes, why the drama? Why are you so unsure? 

The very fact that you are so unsure and wondering what this means says that there is a lot more undertone going on.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> If all he is asking is for you to give him some space for two weeks while nothing else changes, why the drama? Why are you so unsure?
> 
> The very fact that you are so unsure and wondering what this means says that there is a lot more undertone going on.


You're right. He's always so distant, unexpressive, never really smiling, barely talking on a daily basis about each other's days or whatever (he says "I don't believe in pointless small talk"), doesn't plan dates, and NEVER says "I love you" first. But I think he is just used to being so fiercely independent (came to this country alone for work and a better life, hasn't gone home to see his family in 10 years), that it's hard to let someone in and have someone around all the time. So if I can show him for 2 weeks that I'm not a threat to his work, that I back off and respect and give him space, maybe he'll love me.

Because he'd just plain kick me out and I'd be un-invited to his friend's wedding if he truly didn't want me anymore.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Give him what he asked for. Stop pressuring him to put a ring on it or anything else. Med school is hard and time consuming. If you don't like that, then you need to find someone else with a different major. 

He's not ready for the seriousness that you are.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

staarz21 said:


> Give him what he asked for. Stop pressuring him to put a ring on it or anything else. Med school is hard and time consuming. If you don't like that, then you need to find someone else with a different major.
> 
> He's not ready for the seriousness that you are.



I find these excuses ridiculous. He's done with med school, in training. And guess what career I have? THE EXACT SAME ONE.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

learning112 said:


> * So if I can show him for 2 weeks that I'm not a threat to his work, that I back off and respect and give him space, maybe he'll love me.
> *


WHAT?! No. no. no. no. no. 

First, giving him two weeks isn't going to make him love you. 

Second, med training is longer than two weeks. You're going to need to give him space for a long, long while for his work. You'll have to learn to be independent of him.

Third, why do you want to sacrifice what you want in order to try and make some guy love you? 

It sounds like you have self esteem issues that need to be worked out. Sacrificing fun and happiness so that MAYBE some guy can love you not the way to do things - and it WON'T make him love you.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

learning112 said:


> I find these excuses ridiculous. He's done with med school, in training. And guess what career I have? THE EXACT SAME ONE.


Okay? He is still in training....what difference does it make? He still needs the space. He said so.


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

He says he loves you, but is he IN LOVE with you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

learning112 said:


> I find these excuses ridiculous. He's done with med school, in training. And guess what career I have? THE EXACT SAME ONE.


So you also are a physician and in residency?

Residency is extremely hard.. 36 hour shifts. But you know that.

Why is it that he has such a hard time and cannot seem to function in a relationship, but you can?

What is his specialty and what is yours?


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Why is it that he has such a hard time and cannot seem to function in a relationship, but you can?


I come from an average American family, I paid my own way through college and med school because my parents couldn't afford to help me. So I'm not "spoiled." But he came from halfway around the world, his family lived in poverty, and he came here to be a doctor and hasn't seen his family since (10 years). So he says "I gave up everything to come here and that's why work is and always will be my #1 priority."

I still don't know why that means he can't think to plan a 1- or 2-hour date as a break from work on the weekend.

(PS I'm just not answering your last question due to privacy, but his specialty is slightly more demanding)


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Based on what you wrote, the guy has been giving you all the possible hints that he doesn't want to marry you and is only with you because he has a hard time saying NO.

He doesn't want you. You shouldn't want him either. You shouldn't pressure him into a lifetime of misery. 

I bet if you asked him whether he really wants you or not he couldn't articulate 2 decent sentences together, but in your mind whatever he says is "an excuse".

There's no excuse here. He simply doesn't want to be in a serious relationship with you, let alone a marriage.

Let him go.

By the way, if there are cultural differences as in he's from another country and speaks another language that you can't, you can pretty much forget about a future with him. He doesn't feel a deep connection with you. He doesn't have his family's approval and is still undecided about what he would consider a 'life partner'.

Let him go.


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## mjalex (Mar 5, 2015)

It seems to me that the both of you want two different outcomes within the relationship, including differing life-goals.

I would agree with the idea of moving on. If he's that dedicated to his work where he can't cuddle a few minutes each night, he has his mind set on another prize. It isn't necessarily a bad thing, however it's just not fair to you.

Fighting to get married never ends well, as the relationship afterwards is bound to have some form of resentment due to this. Perhaps you'll find someone that's on the same page as you!
The relationship will go smoother, and you'll be happier.

Currently, there's no connection, and that's what it looks like you want. If your partner isn't willing to offer it, it isn't a good sign. This is important for a healthy relationship!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"I still don't know why that means he can't think to plan a 1- or 2-hour date as a break from work on the weekend."

Because he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to talk to you, he doesn't want you to touch him, he doesn't want to commit to you, he didn't really want to move in with you. Buy a clue. This guy is not into you.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

My brother is a surgeon and SIL is a board certified pediatrician. She never practiced medicine. They were classmates.

She preferred to concentrate on being soccer mom. 

Does your boyfriend come from a culture in which women must devote themselves to family? Do you want to take on such a role?

A cousin of mine dated a clinical psychologist doctoral candidate while he was in med school. He declined to marry her and hitched himself to a woman doctor. The marriage lasted less than a year. She was sick of his entitled narcissism. 

He married another doctor, a younger woman with an eating disorder. He is the one who bends to make the relationship work, for he does want to fail as a husband and father. He learned from his failed relationships.

Read about the 180. Since you have gotten through med school you cannot be weak.

Do you feel that you are unattractive?

What hobbies do you have?

Go to gym and punch a bag.

You can always join Doctors without Borders for a year or two to find yourself.

How much residency do you have left?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Why work this hard to prove to a guy you can "stay out of his way?"

Do you want to do this your whole life whenever you aren't convenient for him? He doesn't want you to touch him, doesn't want to come to bed, and I'm guessing you two don't have sex, you don't have dates.

Besides help paying the rent, what exactly are you getting out of this?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Maybe he finds everything in life more difficult to accomplish than you do. 

My guess is he isn't interested in marrying anyone for years yet. Sure, you can wait around to see if he chooses you eventually but don't get too invested in the ultimate outcome.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

A man who tells you that work "will always be #1" would probably make a poor husband and father. JMO.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

learning112 said:


> I come from an average American family, I paid my own way through college and med school because my parents couldn't afford to help me. So I'm not "spoiled." But he came from halfway around the world, his family lived in poverty, and he came here to be a doctor and hasn't seen his family since (10 years). So he says "I gave up everything to come here and that's why work is and always will be my #1 priority."
> 
> I still don't know why that means he can't think to plan a 1- or 2-hour date as a break from work on the weekend.


He should be able to find 1-2 hours a week.

I do not know what culture/country he is from. So I'm just guessing here. If he is from one where women are held at a lower status than men, the idea of a man having to romance his wife might be very foreign to him. Even having a gf that he lives with would be very foreign. I've lived in cultures that are like this and that's how it is. the men have their lives. The women are there when the men want them to be. Could this be part of it? (just guessing here.)




learning112 said:


> (PS I'm just not answering your last question due to privacy, but his specialty is slightly more demanding)


I was not asking for your exact specialties but more wanting to know the difference in levels of demanding. As you know, some medical friends consume a person in residency.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> If you really mattered to him he would've found the time to sit down with you and work on a 'plan'.
> 
> For his own peace of mind,, he'd check with you that you're prepared for less-than-ideal attention while he studies. Then, work/income plans, where to live and where marriage fits into that. External factors would affect the plan,, but you could establish that you were on the same page.
> 
> ...


learning112,

You really need to pay attention to what the men here are telling you. They know how men think.

Your BF is not into you. You are convenient. 

Your neediness makes you easy to use in this way.

You have accomplished a lot in your life.

Maybe it's time to get some help to figure out why you would be trying so hard to keep some guy who is not all that into you. 

I'm not saying the following to be mean. I'm saying it because I know what is going on hurts and you are not seeing things clearly. It's the same thing I would tell my own children who are about your age.

Re-read your first post on this thread over and over. Let it sink in.

The reason I thought that you were not at the same level educationally and maturity as he is that your post sounds like many young, very needy, girls that I've known many doctors in training to hook up with. You do not sound like a self assured woman who has accomplished so much in your life. You are an MD. You are very accomplished. Why is it that you cannot see that this guy is not into you?

Why, when he pushes you aside cruelly, are you looking for a way to turn it into excuses for his mistreatment of you.


Yes it's ok for a guy to ask for some space. But you live together.. cuddling at night, 1-2 hours a week are very doable. 

Please read and re-read that post. You need to leave him. He is not into you. If you do not leave him, you are in for a huge hurt down the road.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Forget the "2 week break." Time to pull the plug on this one.


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