# Those of you happily married 20+ years...



## reesespieces

How did you get through all the rough times? The times where you went to bed angry with each other, didn't speak much, and just went on your days waiting for the next day to come around? How did you get through the really hard years where you wondered "are we going to make it?" ??

I really want to hope that it's possible to have a successful and happy marriage for a long time. I know marriage isn't always happy and everyone has their ups and downs. I'm not saying my marriage is awful, but it could definitely use some work.

DH and I have been through more than what we think our peers have been. I'm still in my late 20's and he's in his early 30's. Between the two of us, we've been unemployed 3 times, found ourselves broke a few times, experienced health crises, had family interfere (and continue) in our lives, and receive a lot of criticism from family. Neither one of us is where we want to be career-wise. We've been married a few years and still have no children. I have a health issue that affects fertility. When I look around, I see my peers in what appear to be happy healthy marriages, a nice house, great careers, and their 2-3 kids. We don't have any of that and sometimes I wonder what we are doing wrong, and what is wrong with our marriage.

No one talks about the realities behind marriage much and how to deal with the difficult times. My peers pretend to never have arguments or conflicts and that they are happy all the time, so DH and I wonder if we're just terrible people. A lot of older people who've been married a long time keep mum as well, as if the secrets to a happy and successful marriage only belong to those part of an exclusive club. Even my mother has criticism and my parents didn't have a good marriage until fewer than 10 years ago but she has to say "your husband is lazy and blah blah." Then there's DH's family acting like I robbed him from them when he was the one who moved to where we live and we also get "why aren't you two just doing what we tell you to do and your life will be better."

I don't mean to whine, but I need to know that someone has been in my shoes before and they made it out okay. I'm just frustrated and often wish I could flash forward a few years from now and get through all the crap in life we're still going through. How did you do it?


----------



## Convection

What Mrs. JA wrote above is gold. A spirit of giving. Mutual respect. Kindness. Commitment. All bedrock for a strong union.

I would add honest communication and teamwork. How much do you guys talk to each other? Do you get things out in the open calmly, so you can solve them together, or do you bury the issues and let them congeal into resentment? How does your H communicate with you? And teamwork - when it comes to things like meddling family, are you guys on the same page? Can you laugh off the latest unsolicited "advice" together?

Being a loner, these are things I struggled with - and still do at times - in my marriage. I used to be too proud to ask for help from Lady Convection (or anyone, for that matter) and I used to bottle up EVERYTHING. I eventually got it through my head that she is not only happy to help me with stuff if I talk to her, she is eager to do so before it becomes a problem, simply because she cares about me, and us. That should be obvious, but sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees. We still fight about money, our son, our future, sex (less than before), and anything/everything else. It's just how it is but you know, sometimes you have to have the lows to appreciate the joy of the highs.

And I wouldn't put too much stock in what other people *seem* to be doing in their marriage. We've all seen marriages that appear to be flawless on the surface that end in infidelity and/or divorce. I've also seen a few that look mighty dysfunctional but the couple staggers on in relative happiness for 30-40 years. Without living in it, you can't know 100% how they're doing.

I'm not saying it is all sunshine and rainbows. Marriage rarely is. Mine isn't, we have our tough times. Even in 21st century western world, life is still brutal and is never going to stop throwing curveballs and stress.

But here's the thing: are you happier with him than without? That should be the bottom line. If so, make the most of the time you have on this rock.

And maybe I jumped the gun on your question; we're at 16 yrs married / 18 together. My parents will hit 44 yrs this summer, and their marriage is almost a carbon copy of ours. Take that for what it's worth.


----------



## yruhere

it's the adversity that builds your character and also your relationship with each other. The two of you became one when you said "I do". Now if you can always remember that, then there should be no problems with communication. Seems that is number one everywhere I look.

Always be honest with each other and show your love toward one another even with little things. They do add up!


----------



## Giro flee

I think we have a deep respect for each other. I genuinely believe my husband is kind, hardworking, honest, and has the best of intentions. I'd like to think he feels the same way about me. We are committed, even when things were not going so well.

When we disagree I don't think he is intentionally trying to hurt me, we just disagree. The family I grew up in was the opposite. The minute there was any kind of problem there was lots of fingerpointing, blaming, yelling, shaming; nobody ever wanted to admit they were wrong or made a mistake because the consequences were so terrible.

The most difficult part of our marriage was back when we had 4 kids under 5, H was traveling a lot for work, sex life was struggling under all of the stress. I think we both hoped that life would get better, kids would grow and wouldn't need as much help, you'd get better at your job, sex will improve if you both communicate. 

A happy life does take hard work, sacrifice, and for us planning and discipline. We always have a state of the union talk in January. What are our priorities? Where are we trying to improve, how did our past year go, what major purchases do we want to make, how are the kids doing, etc.

Recognizing patterns, toward the end of every school year the kids and I can get irritable. Monotony sets in. Life can be dull sometimes, be aware of that and try to plan something fun to break that up. Jobs can have cyclical stress patterns as well, anticipate these and avoid adding other demands at those times. 

We try to plan for as much as we can because life will throw more than enough drama. Illness and job loss can be handled more effectively if we aren't worried about day to day minutiae.


----------



## masterclicker

First of all, I would like to say that you and your husband should not allow anger and resentment fester for too long. One of you needs to swallow your pride, and initiate a calm discussion to get the anger out of the way. 

The next thing I want to say is that EVERY marriage has the exact same difficulties from time to time, including your peers who seem to have it all. You are just not seeing their difficulties on the outside. Yes, I'm talking about financial difficulties, health issues, family problems, career disappointments, and a thousand other issues that pop up throughout a marriage. 
Successful couples figure out how to work through each of these life problems together. After a while, you (as a team) start feeling like your teamwork has accomplished something. You might even start to feel more closeness together with this sense of surmounting these difficulties, and begin to look forward to the rest of the marriage journey.

Always make sure you let your partner know how much you value them along the way too.
Best of luck to you both!


----------



## SimplyAmorous

reesespieces said:


> *How did you get through all the rough times? The times where you went to bed angry with each other, didn't speak much, and just went on your days waiting for the next day to come around? How did you get through the really hard years where you wondered "are we going to make it*?" ??


 I can't say we have experienced this dynamic..I couldn't be with a passive aggressive spouse, I need to talk when I am upset.. I've always taken it TO HIM..and he's always been there for me.. and if he wanted to talk, I was there too..no matter what we've been through (which our trials have been LIGHT in comparison to many)... we've never seen the other as "against us" ... but on the same journey...muddling through ...so to speak. 



> DH and I have been through more than what we think our peers have been. I'm still in my late 20's and he's in his early 30's. Between the two of us, we've been* unemployed 3 times, found ourselves broke a few times, experienced health crises, had family interfere (and continue) in our lives, and receive a lot of criticism from family. *Neither one of us is where we want to be career-wise*. We've been married a few years and still have no children. I have a health issue that affects fertility. *When I look around, I see my peers in what appear to be happy healthy marriages, a nice house, great careers, and their 2-3 kids. We don't have any of that and sometimes I wonder what we are doing wrong, and what is wrong with our marriage.


 ....there was a time in our marriage...(4 yrs in)...though we were GOOD (we loved & clung to each other).....it felt like nothing was going "*our way*"...our dreams slipping from us....had to move from the little house on the hill we hoped to buy... hated where we moved....(all we did was work on it so we could sell it soon)...couldn't get pregnant (taking over 6 + yrs, many tests, tried clomid, looked into adoption, had a surgery, on the verge of trying in vitro)...the neighbors from hell moved next door....and we worried his Bosses might close shop -so he needed a better job... but ya know....

I worried, I prayed, I was jealous of my friends having babies...I was basket-cased at times...he'd let me cry on his shoulder..things escalated with our neighbors after they hit our car on our property driving quads drunk then refused to pay....we had it...we put a for sale sign up in our yard...and ya know.. then it just all fell into place....got pregnant, got the house we wanted..another year later..he got a better job.... then more babies came... if I learned anything through all of that... it was a DRY spell.. but to hang onto HOPE... 

Sometimes we just go through things... in the meantime..do what you can DO to alleviate the stress...Spend time seeking a better Job...this is paramount, cut the budget where you can... if you can do your own house repairs / car repairs...to save money, do this.. I bought the 
Tightwad Gazette ...I took small jobs to help out...I got books at the Library giving me ideas on money management..I found low cost things we could do for FUN....

A thread like that here... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ings-do-your-wife-husband-wont-cost-dime.html

YOu just HOLD ON...and do what you can to make the best of it... My husbands personality was very helpful during this, he is always able to see the Good and remind me what we had to be thankful for..



> *No one talks about the realities behind marriage much and how to deal with the difficult times. My peers pretend to never have arguments or conflicts and that they are happy all the time, so DH and I wonder if we're just terrible people.*


 I really think many just don't want to advertise their dirty laundry..ya know....but really...this is where others find connection.. that yeah.. even happy couples DO







once in a while.. they argue...they may not always agree on sex, how to spend $$...where to vacation or where to live.... but they'll also compromise for the love of the other ...if both spouses move towards each other..they can hold each other UP during the harder times... 

Hang on...things could turn around..



> *Then there's DH's family acting like I robbed him from them when he was the one who moved to where we live and we also get "why aren't you two just doing what we tell you to do and your life will be better.*"


 What are the criticisms from other family members if you are willing to share?


----------



## reesespieces

You all make it seem so easy! I guess my husband and I just have too many conflicts or something. We find it difficult to agree on a lot sometimes, so I just let a lot of things go and decide I'm being too childish for having the desires I have.


----------



## reesespieces

Convection said:


> And I wouldn't put too much stock in what other people *seem* to be doing in their marriage. We've all seen marriages that appear to be flawless on the surface that end in infidelity and/or divorce. I've also seen a few that look mighty dysfunctional but the couple staggers on in relative happiness for 30-40 years. Without living in it, you can't know 100% how they're doing.


But they're the ones always giving out the advice. "You two need to try abc because it worked for us." We do abc and it it doesn't work out for DH and I, so I have to assume we just don't know what we are doing.


----------



## over20

yruhere said:


> it's the adversity that builds your character and also your relationship with each other. The two of you became one when you said "I do". Now if you can always remember that, then there should be no problems with communication. Seems that is number one everywhere I look.
> 
> Always be honest with each other and show your love toward one another even with little things. They do add up!


Great Advice!!

DH and I long ago told ourselves that we do NOT believe in divorce, even one had an affair. We have been married almost 22 yrs, hence my user name, over20. With that mentality it really forces one to change themselves for the better of the marriage. You can't change your spouse but you CAN change yourself. This thinking has really grown us up to become better spouses. Give, give, give. Don't give 100% give 200%. Laugh, A LOT. Life is funny, even in the dark times laugh. Always stay on the same side, don't play the blame game with each other/parents/in laws/children/friends. Have sex as much as you can. That physical bond with your spouse is golden. NEVER loose it. What I did was read, read, read a lot. I learned as much as I could about men and especially husbands and what they desire and need from a wife to survive and grow and feel content in their marriage so they want to stay.

Lastly, don't sweat the small stuff, the socks on the floor, TV shows, annoying habits or hobbies. Marriages go through many seasons be willing to adapt.

Blessings


----------



## RSFWID

Convection said:


> What Mrs. JA wrote above is gold. A spirit of giving. Mutual respect. Kindness. Commitment. All bedrock for a strong union.
> 
> I would add honest communication and teamwork. How much do you guys talk to each other? Do you get things out in the open calmly, so you can solve them together, or do you bury the issues and let them congeal into resentment? How does your H communicate with you? And teamwork - when it comes to things like meddling family, are you guys on the same page? Can you laugh off the latest unsolicited "advice" together?
> 
> Being a loner, these are things I struggled with - and still do at times - in my marriage. I used to be too proud to ask for help from Lady Convection (or anyone, for that matter) and I used to bottle up EVERYTHING. I eventually got it through my head that she is not only happy to help me with stuff if I talk to her, she is eager to do so before it becomes a problem, simply because she cares about me, and us. That should be obvious, but sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees. We still fight about money, our son, our future, sex (less than before), and anything/everything else. It's just how it is but you know, sometimes you have to have the lows to appreciate the joy of the highs.
> 
> And I wouldn't put too much stock in what other people *seem* to be doing in their marriage. We've all seen marriages that appear to be flawless on the surface that end in infidelity and/or divorce. I've also seen a few that look mighty dysfunctional but the couple staggers on in relative happiness for 30-40 years. Without living in it, you can't know 100% how they're doing.
> 
> I'm not saying it is all sunshine and rainbows. Marriage rarely is. Mine isn't, we have our tough times. Even in 21st century western world, life is still brutal and is never going to stop throwing curveballs and stress.
> 
> But here's the thing: are you happier with him than without? That should be the bottom line. If so, make the most of the time you have on this rock.
> 
> And maybe I jumped the gun on your question; we're at 16 yrs married / 18 together. My parents will hit 44 yrs this summer, and their marriage is almost a carbon copy of ours. Take that for what it's worth.


I envy you guys, and I'm very happy that you have a real union. I wish I didn't screw my M up. I wish you continued success .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## RSFWID

over20 said:


> Great Advice!!
> 
> DH and I long ago told ourselves that we do NOT believe in divorce, even one had an affair. We have been married almost 22 yrs, hence my user name, over20. With that mentality it really forces one to change themselves for the better of the marriage. You can't change your spouse but you CAN change yourself. This thinking has really grown us up to become better spouses. Give, give, give. Don't give 100% give 200%. Laugh, A LOT. Life is funny, even in the dark times laugh. Always stay on the same side, don't play the blame game with each other/parents/in laws/children/friends. Have sex as much as you can. That physical bond with your spouse is golden. NEVER loose it. What I did was read, read, read a lot. I learned as much as I could about men and especially husbands and what they desire and need from a wife to survive and grow and feel content in their marriage so they want to stay.
> 
> Lastly, don't sweat the small stuff, the socks on the floor, TV shows, annoying habits or hobbies. Marriages go through many seasons be willing to adapt.
> 
> Blessings


Hi over 20, could you read my thread and give me some advice? I would really appreciate it.
Thank you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## over20

RSFWID said:


> Hi over 20, could you read my thread and give me some advice? I would really appreciate it.
> Thank you
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Yes I will.


----------



## meson

reesespieces said:


> How did you get through all the rough times? The times where you went to bed angry with each other, didn't speak much, and just went on your days waiting for the next day to come around? How did you get through the really hard years where you wondered "are we going to make it?"


Communication and commitment as Convection and Mrs JA said apply to us as well. We didn't give up and tried to better our marriage. We were not content to leave it be but sought out to better it and ourselves. There were many days of wondering why am I doing this. But in the end commitment to the union compelled me to try harder to find a solution. The solution was communication. Once my wife and I began to communicate we were able to address problems. How did we learn to communicate? We each learned to withhold judgement until we understood what the other was trying to say. This was really hard because we had gotten into the habit of sniping at each other. Those little jabs do more to harm than can be imagined. Once we broke the habit of jabbing and started to try to understand we made progress. To understand you don't need to agree. To gain respect you need to show you understand. Once we could translate each others position resolving conflicts became easier.

Second to this we do things together to reinforce our bond. Doing activities and dating are crucial to our keeping in tune with each other. We continue to learn about each other through these activities and there is still much to learn. We have been married for well over 24 years and we are still learning about each other and realize that we each are changing. 

For me at the lowest point of my marriage, I remembered who I was and worked to bring that person back. In my case it turned out that that was what my wife was missing. So even though you are married you need to nurture yourself so that you are who your spouse married. I had changed for the worse and didn't maintain our relationship. When I went back to who I was and I started working on our relationship again our marriage improved.

It's not a magic formula for me but rather trial and error and persistence (commitment) towards finding something that worked.


----------



## Pandakiss

My husband and I have been through a lot. Joblessness dead broke and even homeless, many cars, lots of jobs, lots of addresses. 

The one thing we keep coming back to is do we want this and the answer is yes. We had family interfering and whatnot. They are all cut off. We are in the lowest tier bracket for making it. We dropped out of school, never went to college, had kids way too soon. We always heard we will never make it. 

Remembering we are in this together. Outsides can kick rocks. Never compare your relationship to others. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. 

Keep communication going. If you get mad, so what everyone does. Just don't stay mad. Come back and resolve issues. We are all built differently we all have different personalities. What works for one won't work for another. 

Before internet we watched talk shows and talked about the topics and what we thought about them. We went to boarders books and read just about every relationship book. We filtered out what didn't suit us. But again what we did might not work for you. 

We spend hours talking about everything. We want to work out. We need to make our marriage work. Really in the end the best advice I can give is talk. Talk about everything. Talk about feelings and fights and sex and fictional situations and everything under the sun. Life is short and goes by in the blink of an eye. Be mad, but don't let it define you. Speak up about what's bugging you. Don't tell outsiders your business. (As in people you know in real life) 

Set boundaries. As I said we all get mad. We have had silent times. We are working and have worked on our issues. We set our guidelines to how we work. It's a trial and error process. We had to decide how we both can deal with anger. Can there be a period of silence or how long for silence. 

We had to set rules on how a argument is brought back up so it is productive and not start rehashing it all over again. No one can tell you how it's best for the two of you to resolve differences. It's up to the two of you to define your relationship. 

My hot button topic isn't your hot button topic, my petty thing could be your major thing. Sex is going to be completely different. Our rules are going to be different vs your rules are completely different than mine. 

It's up to the two people in the marriage to make the rules. Maybe the universal rule is there are no rules, except for the ones you make.


----------



## karole

I have been married almost 28 years to a wonderful man, husband and father. We have a great marriage, have had our share of knocks along the way, but I have no complaints. It is my opinion that you get out of a marriage what you put into it. You have to be willing to talk to each other and really, really listen to your spouse. We have always made our marriage and each other the number one priority in our lives. I think that has kept our marriage and our bond strong throughout the years. I love my husband with all that I am and there is no doubt in my mind that he feels the same for me. After reading so many of the stories on this board of infidelity, lack of a sex life, etc., it only reinforces my determination to continue to work on my own marriage to ensure that whatever time I have left on this earth, I will use it to show my husband just how much I love him and what he and our marriage means to me.


----------

