# Is it me?



## Evelyn11 (Jun 7, 2012)

Hi, I'm new here. I am 24, divorced, with a 3 year old son. I am currently living with a man I have been with for 1 year. Last night we almost broke up. Let me say, I would be very upset if we broke up. He's so great with my son, he's wonderful to me, we get along wonderfully, rarely argue, have the same views on 70% of life. But we have some pretty significant opinions on pretty significant subject. Money, for example. I have always worked. 40 hrs/week, benefits, the whole deal. My marriage didn't work out mostly because of lies, and the fact that my ex-husband wouldn't work. I missed most of my sons infancy because I was either on the road commuting, or at work, plenty of overtime to make ends meet. 
My boyfriend, however, when I met him, had been working at the same coffee shop for 7 years-seemed like stability enough for that point. Shortly after we moved in together, he decided he wanted to work at Costco, better hours, more money, + benefits. Seemed like a good plan. He was hired seasonally. 
Once he was laid off in January, they told him to check back in a few weeks for rehires. He told me he would like to take the time off to work on his music (he's a very talented musician). I didn't love the idea, but he was collecting unemployment, and continued to pay his half of living expenses. 
One month turned into two...two to three...At three months, I had already expressed my concern that he would not be rehired. He agreed, and went and got a job as a bar back, and recently become a bartender.
During this time, I was supportive of him, because he managed to pay his bills. But I couldn't help but build some resentment. I picked up more of the 'random' expenses, like gifts for occasions, or fresh fruits/veggies after his food stamps ran out etc..
I don't want to live off of the government, and I found it to be irresponsible of him to be willing to do so when he was perfectly capable of working. He chose not to. Now he told me he needed to do it for himself, to be at peace, and he told me he was very happy and proud of himself for doing this. 
I h ave passions and dreams too, but when I created a family, they all needed to be put on hold until I found myself in a better position to enjoy them. 
He doesn't see the problem, he say that if it made him happy, why should I have an opinion? When I explained that, as a part of the family, a father-figure if you will, I felt it was irresponsible. He knew I was not comfortable with it, but he went ahead and did it anyway. 
He explained to me that taking those months 'off' (again, no promise of rehire) was the MOST responsible thing he could have done, because he feels as though he was setting a good example for my son, that he should pursue his dreams. I think a better example is taking care of responsibilities first, and pursuing dreams on the side, until you're successful enough to pursue your dreams full time, if you're lucky enough. 
He has told me point blank: My opinion is wrong. My thinking is wrong. I am too focused on money, and I need to change, not him. Coming from such a gentle and caring person this really took me by surprise. We don't raise our voices, and none of this was exaggerated in his favor or mine. I just want advice and opinions straight up. Need insight asap! Help?!


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

How old are you both?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

"He has told me point blank: My opinion is wrong. My thinking is wrong."

Without getting into all the details, this is a distressing thing for a life partner to say -- unless you are considering joining the Nazi Party or something. It is at the very least an indication that your core values do not mesh -- which is not a good omen for your future.


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## Evelyn11 (Jun 7, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> How old are you both?


I am 24, he is 26


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## Evelyn11 (Jun 7, 2012)

lamaga said:


> "He has told me point blank: My opinion is wrong. My thinking is wrong."
> 
> Without getting into all the details, this is a distressing thing for a life partner to say -- unless you are considering joining the Nazi Party or something. It is at the very least an indication that your core values do not mesh -- which is not a good omen for your future.


That's how I feel. There was no room for discussion. One giant brick wall. I told him I disagree with his opinion, but I would never have the audacity to tell him the way his mind works, and what he thinks is just wrong. Incorrect. Sorry, start over. It's unlike him, or I thought so, at least.


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## Evelyn11 (Jun 7, 2012)

How can someone be so perfect, so generous, gentle, caring, patient etc...then....this??? Have I provoked him?


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

No. You told him the correct way to be thinking and that he needs to grow up.....you had to you have a baby, he doesn't want to. You are still both young and I would seriously consider if those are the morals you want being taught to your son.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evelyn11 (Jun 7, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> No. You told him the correct way to be thinking and that he needs to grow up.....you had to you have a baby, he doesn't want to. You are still both young and I would seriously consider if those are the morals you want being taught to your son.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That feels really good to hear, thank you. It's nice to talk to people who are unbiased. I just don't want to feel guilty, or materialistic to just want the bare minimum. And the bare minimum to me, is working the way I do. 40+ hrs/week, benefits, all I can to earn a living, get into a house, continue school, etc. He says school is stupid, a waste of time. He has 12 credits left to finish for a bachelors degree in english. He says it isn't worth it, and he likely will not return to finish.

As someone who is less than 12 credits into my degree, I see that as lazy, and I become angry. All I want now is a degree, I feel like "how can you be so close, and dumb (sorry if that's offensive) enough to NOT finish??"


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Evelyn11 said:


> How can someone be so perfect, so generous, gentle, caring, patient etc...then....this??? Have I provoked him?


Evelyn, honey, stop that right now. You are doing what we women do, which is to assume that somehow we caused this, we are to blame.

You are not to blame. You expressed your view, he expressed his, and he is not willing to compromise one bit. He may indeed be generous, gentle, caring, patient, etc, but if he cannot pay his bills, those other qualities will pall pretty quickly. 

Do what you want, but please don't blame yourself. You did nothing to cause this. It may be that this relationship was a lovely interlude in your life -- sweet and perfect, but not forever. And that's okay.


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## Evelyn11 (Jun 7, 2012)

Thank you. But why is it that in 10 minutes I'll be asking myself the same thing again?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Where I grew up, when we have responsibilities we do whatever it takes to meet them. We put the people depending on us first, and our extras second. It's called being a man. I know, I'm a chauvinist pig. But your boyfriend is acting like a spoiled child sponging off his mothers ***.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Evelyn, because that's what we have been socialized to do. Print out these emails, tape them onto your bathroom mirror or your car dashboard or wherever. You are not the crazy one in this situation!

And if he calls you "bourgeois", you get mad points on the life scale


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## Evelyn11 (Jun 7, 2012)

Thanks guys, I feel a lot better. I'm sure there are men out there who take care of business:
"Where I grew up, when we have responsibilities we do whatever it takes to meet them. We put the people depending on us first, and our extras second. It's called being a man."
But, I'm thinking, even if there isn't one near me, I would probably be less stressed on my own with my beautiful son. 
Now to do the dirty work, and try and keep my head held high. :-/


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Keep posting! We merry band of ne'er do wells will be here for you!


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

You just moved back in with your loser husband, only in a different body.

Men do not do this.
Leeches do.


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## Evelyn11 (Jun 7, 2012)

I do seem to have a type, don't I?


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## Evelyn11 (Jun 7, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Keep posting! We merry band of ne'er do wells will be here for you!


Thanks, what a great community.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Guilty feel is far from where you should be. You need to feel proud of yourself for being a responsible and hard working parent! You have in fact done the MAN'S JOB when in fact you had/have men in your life who have lazed around and are good-for-nothing. I think you need to give yourself some credit for that.

And have no doubt in your mind that your way of thinking is indeed the only right way to think. 

All of the following that your BF is doing is WRONG

1. Living off of the government when capable of working 
2. Running away from Responsibility, taking time off to work on music while being unemployed
3. Being under a false notion & sense of pride that this is "being responsible"
4. Making you do more work since he doesn't want to work
5. Giving you a feeling of guilt by insinuating that you are materialistic, when in fact you are being responsible
6. Telling you that your opinion is wrong and not being open to discussion
7. Having the opinion that "school is stupid" just because he is too lazy to finish it
8. Setting wrong example in front of your son

So, to answer your questions "It's not you"..... "It's him"


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

The bottom line is..the two of you need to get on the same page or it's not going to work. Obviously you're already feeling animosity towards the fact that he's just willing to bartend and has no intentions of finishing his education.

If he helps pay the bills partially by bartending...is that enough for you while you work 40 hours a week? Is he looking for full time work?

It sounds to me like you want your man to work as hard as you do and under the circumstances..since he seems happy enough to bartend and pay part of the billls..why not come up with a plan where you pay half the bills..he pays the other half from what he brings in.

Make up your mind that you're dating a child that just wants to coast his way..along the way. Life is no big deal to him at this point. If you want to work 40 hours..work them. He'll continue to bartend..not finish school..and just coast.

Some couples can make things like this work...and some can't. Sounds to me like you can't since you want someone that can contribute as much to the relationship financially as you can.

One word of advice though...he sounds like a pretty good guy. If you give him some time and are supportive and encouraging..along with giving him a little bit more time to grow as a person..he may surprise you. My advice is to just hang in there and get off his back..the less you nag..I really think he'll find his own way..in his own time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He seems to have missed a very important point. He could only take this time off by taking government funds.

And further he could only do it by puting more financial reponsibility on you. He has no right to unilaterally make decisions that affect you financially or otherwise.

Yea he had unemployment and food stamps. Did that equal what he usually brings home? I doubt. So not only could he not pull his finacial weight, he also could not save the extra money he would have earned.


Many people in the arts work full time jobs to support themselves and their family. They do their art on their time off from work and family.

I people people who have developed very lucrative second 'jobs' doing this. But the arts are fickle so they are usually not something a person can depend on.

He's taking advantage of you. Don't put up with this. If you do, 10 years down the line you will be complaining because one day he quite is job and has been chasing that music dream... thinking that he can make money at it. If he's not already making a full time career out of it, he's not going to. It's a passion not a money maker for him.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

How can he make you feel guilty for being ambitious and responsible? It's very easy to do when you place too much faith in another person. You point out all his qualities and think he is perfect in almost every way.....until this happened. Other than the obvious ones, let this be a lesson to you. That is, nobody is perfect. Nobody is what or who you think they are. You have yet many episodes in life where people will disappoint you and hurt you because no one has to live up to the image you create of them in your mind. And, nobody can. It isn't possible.

This will not be the first time he shocks you like this, but you won't be shocked if you expect the unexpected by realizing you don't know a person until you know a person. Gradually, you will even find yourself wondering how you thought he was Mr. Wonderful. You have known him for only a year and already living with him. You moved in with him so quickly because you capriciously placed faith in who you thought he was. He has tried to live up to your image but like everyone, his efforts to be someone he is not will result in epic failure. No one is their true self when meeting and dating. It takes time for people to feel comfortable and reveal themselves bit by bit because it is exhausting and tedious to keep up the facade. Couples go years and break up. Why is that when they both thought each other was so great and the relationship/marriage was grand?

What you have to do is be discerning and selective. Don't hook up with every guy you meet just because you think he's so great. And when you do hook up, take the time that is needed to get to know a person and don't ignore the warning signs. That's what meeting and dating are for - to reach the point of being able to determine if this person is right for you. You don't meet someone and move in with them or get married because you are in love. You don't rely so heavily on the emotional factor. Scrutinize and be judgmental when it comes to a person's way of life, way of thinking, and whether or not he respects your opinion and your input - exactly what he does not want you to do. He will always find ways to twist YOUR opinion and dump it on your head to make you the guilty and ridiculous party because he has to defend HIS position. There is nothing he said that makes any kind of sense. People grow together when they agree and make plans for their future. If you don't judge him for the things he says, you will marry him and become miserable and resentful. You will keep on making the same mistakes if are not selective and discerning.



lamaga said:


> It may be that this relationship was a lovely interlude in your life -- *sweet and perfect, but not forever.* And that's okay.


That is a quote to leave in plain view so you look at it every day to remind yourself. Right now, it appears you are both using each other for the financial benefit. That's fine since it does appear mutual. But, know in your heart that you disagree on this basic and fundamental issue, which means the two of you cannot grow together because he refuses. He's already way behind and stagnant. I wholly disagree with the poster who suggested he will change. Perhaps he will, but I doubt it because he's 26 years old. His way of thinking is that of a 16 year old boy. And, even if he does grow up at some point, just how much of your life, time, and finances do that member and your boyfriend expect you to devote to his magical transition?


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