# How can I start the sex / affectionate cycle with my wife again?



## ptomczyk11 (Feb 9, 2015)

My wife says she builds resent towards me because how I'm more affectionate with her after we have sex and this carries on for some days but slowly diminishes the longer we go without have sex again. And she hates that I can't have the same level of affection when we go weeks without sex. 

I don't know what it is, but the longer we go without sex the more distant I feel from her. I just feel a much closer / loving bond with my wife when we are physical with each other...it just does something with my hormones that brings out more of the loving side out of me.

As a man, my number 1 "need" is physical and my wife's number 1 "need" is affection. And lately it's just been hard getting this cycle going again so we both meet our main number 1 "needs".

When we talk about "us", she always says that I use to love her so much at the beginning of the relationship but now it's just not the same. And in my head, I'm like because the cycle was working for us back then. My main sexual "needs" were being met by you and in turn I was able to meet her main affectionate "needs".

But now that cycle has been broken and it's hard for us to get back in to a rhythm again. I'll try to be affectionate with her and not make it lead to sex, but then if we go without sex for 2+ weeks; I start feeling resentment towards her because now I'm meeting her main number 1 "need" and my main number 1 "need" is not being met.

I hate it now that I'm viewed as a sex fiend for just wanting to have sex with my wife; which is my number 1 "need". This wasn't an issue at the beginning of our relationship because we would be having sex 1-3 times a week; so she was meeting my physical "needs" just fine and in turn I was meeting her affectionate "needs" just fine because we were staying true to our "needs cycle".

So now I'm suppose to be okay giving her affectionate needs; while I sit here in the corner and hope an pray that maybe we will have sex 1 time this week if I'm lucky...

One thing that bothers me is when she says that she gives so much to me to be a good wife and she doesn't know what else she can do to make me happy. For example, she says I try to be a good wife and cook dinner, do the laundry, be supportive with my side business, be affectionate with me...which are all great things! But in the back of my mind all I keep thinking is you do all these great things for me, but you still don't meet my main number 1 physical need. All these things are great, but they are things that I can do myself and it's not what really makes me happy. 

Thank you!


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

Have you had this exact discussion with her? You keep saying "in my head I'm thinking....". Are you communicating to her that you require more sex in order to be more affectionate and feel more bonded to her? Thus meeting both your needs once again...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What you are going through is pretty typical for a marriage that is falling apart. You two are on different wave lengths.

There is a book that I think might help you both as it explains what is going on: "His Needs, Her Needs".

From a biological view point.. the brain produces oxytocin when we are in love. That's what bonds a couple. The more time and affection between the two of you, the more oxytocin and thus the more in-love you both feel.

But the more you two pull away from each other, the less oxytocin and the further and further apart you will feel.


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## ptomczyk11 (Feb 9, 2015)

Yes, we've talked about this plenty of times before but the issue is that she resents me for only being the most affectionate with her after we have sex; so she isn't really geared up to have more sex with me.

The problem is that she says it take a lot more effort on her part to have sex or build up to sex, and she says that being more affectionate with her takes a lot less effort on my part than her having sex with me; so it should be easier for me to meet her needs. I feel like this is a lame excuse, if my number 1 need is physical then I feel she would be committed to meeting my main need. I'm not asking for having sex on a daily basis, I'll take 2x a week or that's to much I'll take 1x a week at this point...just something that's more often than 2+ week spans at a time.

I can see how people in marriages can easily just stop trying with their spouses and get their physical or emotional needs met by someone else; which is a lot easier to do because the honeymoon period when you first meet someone is usually the best time when each others needs are being met.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

ptomczyk11 said:


> One thing that bothers me is when she says that she gives so much to me to be a good wife and *she doesn't know what else she can do to make me happy*. For example, she says I try to be a good wife and cook dinner, do the laundry, be supportive with my side business, be affectionate with me...which are all great things!


Sure she does! She just doesn't want to do it.

It's fine that she makes dinner, does laundry, etc. BUT THOSE AREN"T YOUR NUMBER ONE NEEDS!

Tell her that you're a good husband because you go to work every day, take care of the lawn and maintain the cars so you shouldn't need to be affectionate.

If you're doing everything in your power to be the husband she wants and if you've talked about this with her ad nauseum and nothing has changed, tell her that you are unhappy and that you have no intention of putting up with this for the rest of your life.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So if you're getting ok amounts of sex and sex isn't necessarily on the table for that night are you still affectionate with her? It can cause a lot of resentment in women when they feel like ALL affection is centered around sex. 

Let's say she had a medical issue that meant no sex for a week. Would she still get affection from you? If no that's a problem.

I know that when my hb holds my hand or puts his arm around me when sex is off the table it means a ton to me and I remember it when sex is back on the table. A man who has affection for me all the time is sexually appealing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

You only have "the talk" once. You tell her that sex is your #1 need and you'd rather she had sex than "waste" time cooking dinner, doing the laundry, etc.

Then you drop it. You hit the gym. You kick butt at work. And you treat her well. Meet her need for affection, conversation, etc. If she notices the change, you just say "this is me, you were smart to land me when you had the chance."

You initiate sex when you feel like it. If she turns you down, you smile and say "your loss" and do a workout or do a task on your (not her) to do list.

If the rejections remain too frequent, you don't have a talk. You simply remind her "job #1 isn't getting done". If she gets angry, tell her how adorable she looks when she's mad.

If she insists on having "the talk", stand your ground. Calmly explain that you need sex to be happily married, and if she can't provide much sex, that is OK, but you guess you guys are not as compatible as you thought when you got married. If she calls you names, accuses you of being shallow, grin and say "guilty as charged". If she complains that you place too much emphasis on sex, stay calm and say "you may not believe sexual mismatch is sufficient reason to end a marriage. That is OK for you. Unfortunately for both of us, I do. Who should I have my lawyer call?"

The point is to be the best you that you can be. If she finds that version of you attractive enough to have sex with willingly, great. If not, you move on and find someone who does. She is not obliged to have sex with you. You are not obliged to stay married to her. Do not have one-it is. Do not try to coerce her. Maximize your value, stay calm and playful and upbeat. Hope it leads to success with her. Know it will lead to success for you.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

JMO, but it'd probably help if you started thinking more along the lines of it being an affection/sex cycle instead of the other way around.


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## ptomczyk11 (Feb 9, 2015)

Thanks for the replies...very good points!

Since things have just been awkward between us lately the last talk we had she broke down and said I don't know why I can't just be satisfied with the way you are and she said that I'm so good to her, which I am, not to toot my own horn but I've always been the best I can be with her. I always make her laugh, I'll do anything for her in terms of helping her out, I help her when she cooks, I help her with laundry, etc...I always try to take a more pro-active approach to make her life a little easier. However, she would say that she doesn't know why it's not enough for her and she always is wanting me to be more affectionate with her.

I speak a different love language than her, the way I was raised in my family we did things for one another instead of the more verbal emotional talk. I know I can always count on my family to be there no matter what, and to me that's more important than getting verbal affection to confirm that.

I've told her that I would do anything for her, but then she will turn and say if you will do anything for me why don't you give me what I want the most (more affection). But that's the thing, it's just harder for me to give her what she want's the most because I become more distant / less-affectionate the longer we go without sex. It's hard for me to just give her what she needs and my needs just get benched.

And she will say things like, the more I meet her needs the happier she will be and in turn the more she will meet my needs to make me happy. It sounds good when she says it but it's easier said than done because I'll be more affectionate with her but based on previous experience of putting this to the test my sexual needs never seem fulfilled when she is happy with the affection I'm giving her sex is still never a priority in her eyes. 

She talks to her friends that are married and asks them if their husbands treat them differently when they don't have sex, and of course they all say they don't. And by "treat them differently", my wife is referring to how I get more distant and less affectionate with her the longer we go without sex. However, when we get together with her friends and when I'm hanging out with just the husbands its funny how we always tend to gravitate in discussion about the lack of sex all of us get from our wives.


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## ptomczyk11 (Feb 9, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> So if you're getting ok amounts of sex and sex isn't necessarily on the table for that night are you still affectionate with her? It can cause a lot of resentment in women when they feel like ALL affection is centered around sex.
> 
> Let's say she had a medical issue that meant no sex for a week. Would she still get affection from you? If no that's a problem.
> 
> ...


Yes, I'm still affectionate with her but I guess it's not at the same level as she would like. I will never push her away or be mean/angry towards her for not having sex. I always have to initiate and if I don't get turned down; sex is great for both of us. For being such a smart woman, I just don't understand how she doesn't see that my sex need is just that, a need that I need fulfilled just like her affectionate need.

I just feel I can be the most affectionate guy that she needs me to be, but I just have a gut feeling that she will still not meet my sexual needs that I need. Sex seem like such a chore for her and if she's tired or if we go out some where; she never seems like there is a good time for sex or at least she doesn't give me any sexual queues.

When I think of sex, I think of us being both passionate about it and not it have it be a chore. For example, we will have a date night and go out to dinner/drinks and have a great time and in my mind I vision us getting home and having some passionate sex but instead as soon as we get home it's either I feel gross because I'm so full or I'm so tired now, and then it's off with her sexy undies and into her pajamas / grandma undies and that's it....such a disappointing way to end a great date night.

@Holdingontoit I've definitely tried this approach too. I've been eating healthy, going to the gym, running, doing things for myself, making my own meals, helping her around the house. I've just tried doing more, and she has told me thank you for all of this but she says I don't even recognize who you are anymore because I've made such drastic changes. Taking this approach seemed good at first because she started seeing everything I was doing, but it did not help use get closer to each other it just ended up making us be roommates instead of husband/wife.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

All in or all out. She is correct that there is no reason you cannot be more affectionate. No reason you cannot give her more Words of Affirmation. You can do this. You just don't want to when you aren't getting regular sex. Tough noogies. Hey, you are asking her to have sex when she isn't in the mood for sex. If she can do that, you can tell her how great dinner was even when you haven't had sex lately.

Keep being affectionate until you can't. The file for divorce. Not saying that to be flip. I am suggesting a boundary that you should impose on yourself. Do not give yourself permission to withhold affection unless and until you are prepared to file for divorce. Make that a condition of holding back: if I give myself permission to withhold affection from her, then I have to go to the lawyer tomorrow and pay for the lawyer to draw up divorce papers. That puts the burden on you to give it everything you have until you can't give any more and need to leave.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Maybe consider that while you're an acts of service guy that's not really what she needs. Look at it from this perspective: what if she informed you that she shows love by making dinner and that's what her family does? Of course you'd reply that dinner is great but your need isn't actually being met. My hb is an acts of service guy too and while that's great I need physical affection from him or I feel distant.

And you claim you'd do anything for her but that's not really true: she's emotionally needy and that need isn't being met. 

While I get that you get frustrated with lack of sex consider that a guy who gets distant and withdraws is engaging in an emotionally manipulative game that is akin to a kid throwing a tantrum. Not very sexy. I'm sure you don't mean this but it might be received this way. You're holding affection hostage and nobody is going to be turned on by that. 

You may have suck it up and take the initiative here. Stop playing games and give her what she says she needs. If in turn your needs aren't met you'll at least know you tried and will know exactly what you're dealing with going forward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I think it might work to explain to her that you have a breaking point.

If you are like me, after having sex, I am in a great mood and more affectionate and talkative, etc. for a few days. After 4 or 5 days, I will typically approach her for sex. Often I get rejected. No big deal. But after another 4 or 5 days and a few more rejections, I start to get distant. I can't help it, as I feel like I am no longer loved, desired, cared for, etc. Tough to keep giving, when you are feeling disrespected and unloved.

So tell her that you will be all that she wants you to be (and do it), but once you haven't had sex for say 10 days (you set your limit) that all bets are off. That it is time for her to step up and put effort into your needs.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Or explain to her that it is actually a virtuous cycle. You get energized by sex. The more sex you have, the more energy you have to shower her with affection and affirmation. When it has been a long time since sex, your batteries are drained and you need sex to recharge. She will call BS on that. Ask if she feels less warm toward you when it has been a long time since you have shown her non-sexual affection, complimented her, etc. Ask her if her batteries run down when her needs go unmet, why it wouldn't be the same for you?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

What breaks the cycle?

Why have you gone 2 weeks without sex?


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## ptomczyk11 (Feb 9, 2015)

@lifeistooshort @SadSamIAm @Holdingontoit Great points, thanks!!!

It's funny reading all these posts and other threads too, and seeing how many people I can relate with their same sexual / affectionate struggles. It's mind blowing that so many people go through these same issues and even after so many generations of marriage throughout the years we (husbands/wives) still can't get this balance working 100% all the time...hahahaha.

For those married couples, who have a perfect balance of great sex and great affection and can keep that cycle going...I applaud you! hahaha...

I wish we could just simply this process; maybe I need to set up a "need sex jar" and "need affection jar" in my house and we can put coupons in there so if I'm meeting her "affection" needs she will give me a sex coupon and if she is meeting my "sex" needs I'll give her an affection coupon. And if the jars are empty there is definitely a break in the cycle....hahaha.


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## ptomczyk11 (Feb 9, 2015)

marduk said:


> What breaks the cycle?
> 
> Why have you gone 2 weeks without sex?


I always have to initiate sex, so lately I just haven't been doing it anymore. 

For two reasons; first reason, I hate feeling like a dog having to beg for sex and then get denied. And second reason I hate how she views sex as such a chore, which turns me off, instead of a passionate desire that we both have towards each other.

But when I just can't take it anymore because it doesn't bother her at all going months without sex, I have to initiate it or else I will go crazy.

Just like she wants to feel that affectionate desire / wanted feeling from me, I want to feel that desire / wanted feeling from her sexually.

I love and hate when we have sex now, because it's such a tease, we have such a great time; which is the part I love, but the part I hate is not knowing when the next time will be.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

ptomczyk11 said:


> I always have to initiate sex, so lately I just haven't been doing it anymore.
> 
> For two reasons; first reason, I hate feeling like a dog having to beg for sex and then get denied. And second reason I hate how she views sex as such a chore, which turns me off, instead of a passionate desire that we both have towards each other.
> 
> ...


OK.

So you're not initiating sex, which means you're not getting sex.

Which then makes you resentful of your wife, and not affectionate.

Which makes her not like sex even more.

Do you see a pattern here?


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

ptomczyk11 said:


> Yes, we've talked about this plenty of times before but the issue is that she resents me for only being the most affectionate with her after we have sex; so she isn't really geared up to have more sex with me.


*SIGH* Total catch 22.

What a bother!




ptomczyk11 said:


> The problem is that she says it take a lot more effort on her part to have sex or build up to sex, and she says that being more affectionate with her takes a lot less effort on my part than her having sex with me; so it should be easier for me to meet her needs.


Really? Seriously? Are you kidding?

This is pure crap. 
First - why does she no longer want to have sex with you?
Does she not enjoy sex? Does she enjoy sex, but not with you?

Second - Sex is the glue material that holds a marriage together - no sex(glue) - the marriage comes undone

Third - if she receives fulfillment that she requires by having sex with you, then the logical solution is to have more sex - can taking 20 to 30 minutes twice a week really be so difficult?

For your part - if giving the affection that she desires is not part of your core being - then there is only one thing to do - fake it till you make it. Get your self into the habit of giving her the affection she needs. It doesn't take much. 

Look at it this way, if you had a paradigm shift at work were you were now required to stomp your right foot three times before you
hit the enter key on your keyboard or suffer the consequence of being fired, you would adjust or else look for a new job - it's the same notion with your wife. Start small and go from there.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Here's something that seems to work for my wife and I. Scheduled, once a week sex.

My wife said a lot of the same things as your wife. The problem is, ANYTHING you say/do to meet her needs is viewed thru her HE ONLY WANTS SEX goggles.

By scheduling, it stops making you feel like you are begging, and when you say something to her mid-week, not anywhere near the scheduled time, she can view it without the goggles.

My AHA moment was this - Wife & I get together on weekend. Following Thursday we are at Home Depot. In checkout line, I lean over & give her a kiss & tell her she's cute. We go home, I'm standing on a ladder hanging some sheetrock. She steps out of the bathroom naked and says "Get into the bedroom".

Me being the typical guy tries to figure out A. What did I do and B. Make sure to repeat that pattern!!

By giving a PDA nowhere near the scheduled time, she accepted it for what it was.

Get the 5 love languages book and both of you take the test in the back.

Make sure to speak her top three needs A LOT. I did have to hold my wife accountable at one point. I was speaking her top three and she complained one day that even once a week was a lot of sex. I looked at her and said 

"Have I been speaking your languages?" 

Yes. 

"So your needs are more important than mine?"

Long pause, No.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

OP, you've started several threads about this same issue; your need for sex vs your wife's need for affection and how this leads to resentment and sexlessness. I want you to know that I completely understand your resentment about not getting sex. I went through about 10 years when my sex drive was through the roof and the few times my H turned me down I went into a major snit! I didn't handle it well AT ALL!

I have an idea for you and your wife to try. Explain this idea to your wife and present it as an experiment that will help you two come together and make each other feel loved and closer. I also suggest YOU don't start with sex but something else instead. Sex is her trigger. She knows you want it but she isn't giving it. What all the women on your threads are telling you is that she isn't giving it because she feels used, she has resentment about sex, she has responsive desire, she feels pressured (which is not conducive to wanting sex) and she feels a loss of attraction. Could be any or all of these.

1. You each make this statement: "I feel loved when you........." You might say, "I feel loved when you bring me coffee in the morning." And she might say, "I feel loved when you smile at me and pull me in for a big bear hug."
2. Then you each do that thing, make a point of doing it soon or more often.
3. When you each do that thing, you each reply with, "thank you that made me feel loved by you."

Sounds so simple but actually, it's not. For some, it's difficult to identify what makes them feel loved. For others, it's difficult to come out and say it. It's also very difficult to remember to say, "thank you that made me feel loved," probably because it sounds so trite and unnatural. But by doing this for a month, you each are showing one another not just HOW to show love, you're also pointing out the specific things you do that shows your love. Since your conflict has been about sex/affection, you should go ahead and use sex or affection to show love or feel loved. By voicing, thank you that made me feel loved, each time either of you do the thing, you each are recognizing how often you're making one another feel loved. 

"I feel loved when you have sex with me."
"I feel loved when you hug and kiss me when we watch TV together."

I think you should go back and re read your first thread. There was a LOT of really good advice in there. 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...sex-leads-same-arguement-over-over-again.html


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Sadly this seems classic LD / HD - and so its very difficult to fix. Maybe I'm wrong, but here is my guess:

You are HD, you cannot really feel affectionate and loving without a good sex life. Sex and love are intimately connected to you.

Your wife is LD. Sex is just a thing to do, but not really important. She is unhappy that "all that matters to you" is sex. 

To you, going without sex is sort of like going without food - when you are hungry, its difficult to be happy about anything.

To her, sex is like dessert - so you seem whiny when you get unhappy because you don't get your treat.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Stop doing chores & other acts of service. You're putting effort into things that have no meaning to her. Re-channel that time / effort into the affection she craves. 

You're doing those acts of service for yourself. You can say "Look, I took out the garbage, fixed the gutters, watched the kids on the weekend. I'm husband of the year. Why won't she spread her legs?" This may help you build your case if you're prosecuting her in front of others. But it has nothing to do with your relationship. 

You want to know how to break the cycle. From now through Labor Day, buck up and engage in affection with no expectation of sexual reciprocation. Make a good honest effort at doing this for the sake of affection itself. Do not let resentment creep in. Let the affection be its own reward.

You're not expending additional energy here. I would think it's easier to cuddle, walk hand-in-hand etc. that it is to vacuum the floors. If she complains that you're not picking up the chore load, tell her that you listened to her and that you are focusing on the "affection" portion of the relationship. 

At the end of day, she needs sustained proof that your are listening to her. You want to snap your fingers and have this fixed. It doesn't work that way. If you perceive this as a negative cycle that needs to be fixed, you're the one who's going to have to crack open the toolbox first and get to work.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

So I was noodling around online and found a slew of websites that are seemingly by women about women and sex and relationships and whatnot. Once you take out the obligatory Cosmo, Redbook and Glamor sites you find what's left is a huge group of fairly angry women who aren't shy about stating point blank that they don't especially like sex, they hate oral sex and a big reason they do any of it is to get something in return from the man and what they get back isn't sex. How many times have you laughed through a list like '31 things women think about when they're going down on you' until you realize it's not all in fun. Sure it's all anecdotal and these are the people who are self selecting to write. But still. 

I did see one honest post from a woman who admitted that part of her mate's frustration was that she demanded to be 'wooed' all the time, 100% full on. That sex was never actually 'on the table' as a given. That if he works really really hard then sometimes he'll be rewarded. I think that's a fairly honest answer. And therein lies the disconnect. Men and women have fundamentally different realities about what sex is. Maybe the default position of how women view sex is closer to how sex workers view 'having sex' with someone who's handicapped - that being, it doesn't usually involve physical sex, contact and orgasm. It's something more ephemeral and up in their heads. I think if we simply admitted and accepted that to a large cohort of women, 'sex' isn't what the dictionary imagines it to be we'd all get along better.


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## ptomczyk11 (Feb 9, 2015)

Thanks for all the great feedback, a lot of good things I need to go over but I definitely feel like I have a better understanding on our "disconnect issue" now and steps that we need to take to get back on track again.

Obviously, she was always the affectionate kick-starter; so if we were on the couch she would jump close to me and show me affection and then that would make me feel more relaxed to show her affection back. But lately since we've been in this funk, she hasn't been doing that anymore; so we just sit on the couch like roommates/friends instead of husband/wife.

Like everyone knows, I'm definitely an "acts of service" guy; that's where I feel most comfortable and comes naturally to me. Sometimes I try to think of ways to be more affectionate but I just struggle with it because I get an awkward / out of character type of feeling. I feel pathetic that I can't just be more affectionate with my wife at the level she needs me to be and have it come naturally instead to me just like when I do my "acts of service". 

Any tips from women, on what affectionate things that your husband does that makes you feel loved that I could try putting into practice?

Thank you!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Do you have kids? Are you affectionate to them? Is your wife affectionate to them? Observe her when she is spending time with them. Do you notice how she touches them, rubs her hand down their back, tucks their hair away from their face or behind their ears, touches their noses to garner a smile, gets right in their little faces to make positive eye contact with a smile. That's how you show honest affection. It's very simple and comes naturally when dealing with children. Humans never outgrow their need for this kind of affection. Some children need a lot, some children need very little, but all children and all adults need affection.

If you don't have kids, watch how other parents do it.

My H was never very affectionate to me. After many years I realized he wasn't very affectionate, in deeds, with the kids either. They got 100% of their physical affection from me. Whenever I see a father being affectionate with his kids I think his wife must be very lucky because this man knows how to do affection.

Why You Need to Man Up and Show Her Some Affection


Did you read the link I posted in your last thread about responsive desire in women? It was your thread wasn't it? Here is it again in case it wasn't your thread.
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/02/27/opinion/nothing-is-wrong-with-your-sex-drive.html?_r=0

Pay special attention to "arousal first, then comes desire to have sex." This is the key concept!


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## ptomczyk11 (Feb 9, 2015)

Thanks for the links, yes I read that other article you posted it was very helpful. I'll take a look at the other link as well...

No, no kids or pets...just us so far. Yes, I see what you mean. I have a nephew/niece and I don't know maybe it's because they are kids; I feel so much comfortable showing affection to them. I have no reservations or fears about doing so, but when it comes to adults / my wife it is just harder for me to express...I don't know why. 

My wife has actually said she loves to see me around my nephew/niece because of how I am with them; playful, affectionate, being the cool uncle, etc...but at the same time it makes her sad because she doesn't understand why I can't be the same way with her. Or if when we have kids she will feel sad that I would be able to show this affection to our kids and she will not get that same level of affection.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Like anything, this takes practice. Make out a schedule and resolve to do at least one "planned" affectionate thing per day. As you do these things, you'll get positive feedback from her and it will start to come more naturally.

Some ideas:

-Invite her to snuggle on couch while watching TV
-Bring home flowers
-Give her a neck rub
-Initiate holding hands in store or on walk
-Knibble her ears, kiss neck from behind when she's cooking dinner or standing elsewhere
-Public display of affection; peck kiss or hug while standing in store check-out line

That's almost a full week for you right there. Also take note of ways she appears to show affection to you. You can remember these and mirror them back to her at a later time. 

It's really not that tough if you put your mind to it. You have to be willing to move out of your comfort zone a bit to meet her needs. You'll have to over-compensate and be nearly over-affectionate for a couple months to counter the image she has built up of you as being "non-affectionate." Now, every time you lack consideration or affection, that simply re-confirms the image she has developed of you. Make up for lost time & fill some of the love bank up.


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## ptomczyk11 (Feb 9, 2015)

MarriedTex said:


> Like anything, this takes practice. Make out a schedule and resolve to do at least one "planned" affectionate thing per day. As you do these things, you'll get positive feedback from her and it will start to come more naturally.
> 
> Some ideas:
> 
> ...


Thanks these are great tips/ideas! 

You know what, after reading your list, I do...do these things for her but maybe I'm just not doing them as often as she needs them.

We got into discussions before where she would be crying and saying that she just wants me to be happy and be with someone that doesn't require so much. She says that I would be happier with a girl that is less needy and doesn't need as much affection and I would be more than enough for that girl just the way I am instead of trying to change me.

Maybe in my eyes I see myself giving her the affection that she needs because I do those things for her, but maybe its just not enough. It seems like I'm a HD "sexually" and LD "affection", and she's a LD "sexually" and HD "affection".

I guess I just have to try to be even more affectionate with her because of her having a much higher level of "affection".


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> JMO, but it'd probably help if you started thinking more along the lines of it being an affection/sex cycle instead of the other way around.


Affection leads to sex. It is simple math.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Ptom,

If she perceives she's being shortchanged on affection, she's going to be hyper sensitive to the issue. 

Just like us - if we're getting enough sex, you don't really fixate on it. But when it's in short supply, it becomes all you think about. If she's not confident the next spurt of affection is just around the corner, she gets needy even if you do supply her with it sometimes. You have to over-supply for awhile and get her into a mode where she's assured it's a long-term relationship fixture.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

MarriedTex said:


> -Invite her to snuggle on couch while watching TV
> -Bring home flowers
> -Give her a neck rub
> -Initiate holding hands in store or on walk
> ...


I have found that affection when there is no opportunity for sex is the most effective. A kiss on the neck on the way out to work does wonders.


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## ptomczyk11 (Feb 9, 2015)

Thanks for all the great feedback!

Ok, I'm committed to making our marriage work; so I will overly give her affection without looking for sex in return to do my part in the relationship to make her happy. 

However, what happens if I continue to meet all her affectionate needs and she still does not meet my needs sexually? Am I suppose to let a year go by and still continue to meet her needs with my needs not being met?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

ptomczyk11 said:


> However, what happens if I continue to meet all her affectionate needs and she still does not meet my needs sexually? Am I suppose to let a year go by and still continue to meet her needs with my needs not being met?


No. Set a time frame for yourself and see how things are after it (say 3-4 months). If you have honestly given your all and don't see her making the effort, ask her about it.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

ptomczyk11 said:


> However, what happens if I continue to meet all her affectionate needs and she still does not meet my needs sexually? Am I suppose to let a year go by and still continue to meet her needs with my needs not being met?


What if you meet all her needs for affection and she stars boinking your brains out? :surprise: :wink2: How about showing her affection for 3 - 4 months and see where you are? No need to borrow trouble. We can deal with a bad outcome when and if it occurs.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I'm afraid in that case you will join the many miserable people here in LD/HD relationships. You will find your choices reduced to
Leave
Cheat
Live like a monk





ptomczyk11 said:


> Thanks for all the great feedback!
> snip
> 
> However, what happens if I continue to meet all her affectionate needs and she still does not meet my needs sexually? Am I suppose to let a year go by and still continue to meet her needs with my needs not being met?


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I'm afraid in that case you will join the many miserable people here in LD/HD relationships. You will find your choices reduced to
> Leave
> Cheat
> Live like a monk


This sounds so sad


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## ptomczyk11 (Feb 9, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I'm afraid in that case you will join the many miserable people here in LD/HD relationships. You will find your choices reduced to
> Leave
> Cheat
> Live like a monk


Yes, in the most simplest terms; that's basically what it boils down to. I definitely have a better understanding how cheating is such a viable option when someone is not getting their primary needs met.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

ptomczyk11 said:


> Yes, in the most simplest terms; that's basically what it boils down to. I definitely have a better understanding how cheating is such a viable option when someone is not getting their primary needs met.


You said that you are having sex so this is not a sexless marriage. When you have sex it is satisfying and she rarely refuses you. For 15 yrs, she has been loyal companion, she has given you 3 children, mothered them, works to support the family along with you and support you emotionally. She is also beautiful to you and sexually attractive. 

Her major sin is that she does not initiate and act hot for you. You feel you are entitled to this display of sexual hunger because in every way, you satisfy all of her needs so completely. However sex is so important to you that you contemplate deceiving and humiliating her, destroying the life of your children, risk infecting her with an STD and devastating her emotionally.

You don't love or value your wife and family enough to be loyal, loving, compassionate and empathetic. That's your character and it's unfortunate for your wife and children. My advice is to make an orderly exit from your marriage and pick up women. You will find plenty to will act like you are the biggest and best they ever had. 

You won the marital lottery but you don't value what you have because you are entitled to everything. You need to get out of this marriage and look for what you think you are entitled to. Then you will see how fortunate you were. 

BTW, who is the OW?

MY APOLOGIES POSTED ON WRONG THREAD


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## ptomczyk11 (Feb 9, 2015)

Catherine602 said:


> You said that you are having sex so this is not a sexless marriage. When you have sex it is satisfying and she rarely refuses you. For 15 yrs, she has been loyal companion, she has given you 3 children, mothered them, works to support the family along with you and support you emotionally. She is also beautiful to you and sexually attractive.
> 
> Her major sin is that she does not initiate and act hot for you. You feel you are entitled to this display of sexual hunger because in every way, you satisfy all of her needs so completely. However sex is so important to you that you contemplate deceiving and humiliating her, destroying the life of your children, risk infecting her with an STD and devastating her emotionally.
> 
> ...


Ummmmm...I'm not sure who you are referring to but this is not me! 

We have no children, only been married for 2 years, no chance of STDs bc I've never cheated on my wife, and if OW stands for other woman there is no other woman.


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## ptomczyk11 (Feb 9, 2015)

FrenchFry said:


> PPtom, you asked on the other thread how often we bonk. I say there is in our house around 6 good sessions a week. This is really dependant on how much we connect during the week--and how much effort we put in doing so. The times when there seems to just be a peck and a bye, it's not as high.
> 
> It's a team effort though. If he is trying his hardest to be affectionate, its easier to not turn a blind eye to meeting his needs. Same on my end, he'd be hard pressed to ignore me throwing myself at him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


6x a week...very impressive!!! 

Yes, I totally agree with you that's it's a team effort and it's great that both of you have the awareness to see that when your spouse is meeting your needs it's only fair that the same is done in return.

A part of me is afraid that I will be trying my hardest to be affectionate and that she does have a blind eye to meeting my needs, not because she is doing it on purpose, but the thought just doesn't cross her mind.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

ptomczyk11 said:


> A part of me is afraid that I will be trying my hardest to be affectionate and that she does have a blind eye to meeting my needs, not because she is doing it on purpose, but the thought just doesn't cross her mind.


But that is no reason not to do your best. In fact, it is good to know. Because once you know that, you then have additional information to decide what you want to do with your life. What do you need from your wife? What can she provide you? Is this a deal breaker? 

You can't figure these things out by guessing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ptomczyk11,

Has anyone suggested that you get the book "His Needs, Her Needs"?

I think that it would help you further understand that is being said here.


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## ptomczyk11 (Feb 9, 2015)

Well we had another emotional talk yesterday about what we are doing and where we are going... 

She always brings up that she only got a good 6 months out of me, in where I met all her affectionate needs and then it was gone. We've been together 7+ years and I hate when she says that, if I only gave you a good 6 months; then why did you stay with me this long? why did you marry me?...I call bull****. I tell her if she wasn't happy with me she should have left a long time ago, but if she stuck around this long it couldn't have been all that bad.

She goes on to say that she just always thought she would be the exception and that I would start doing all those affectionate things again that I did in the beginning because that is the man she fell in love with. She paints this picture of me as this cold person, and I don't see it that way; I might not give her the mass amount of affection that she needs but I am affectionate it with her.

Everything she says I have a very similar response in the way she is sexually towards me. I can say that I got a good 6 months out of her sexually where she desired me sexually and wanted to be physically with me not just cuddle all the time.

And to top it off, in our last session, I expressed how I need her sexual interest in me to feel desired/wanted in the relationship. And she broke down saying I know that he needs sex but that it takes a lot on her part to have sex whereas all she is looking for in affection is a lot easier to give. Then she goes on to say that she does not have the same lust desire that she use to have with me; which hurt me, that is the part that is missing for me...feeling desired sexually by my own wife!

She says that I have a hard time separating sex from everything else; like the affectionate, emotional, non-sexual touch and everything revolves / hangs in the balance of sex. I completely agree with her, and I told her yesterday I'm not perfect...I do have my faults, I just don't know why "sex" holds so much intimate/affectionate value with me.

A part of me wishes I could shut off my sexual drive so it doesn't interfere with everything else, but a part of me doesn't because my sex drive is what makes me feel affectionate/emotional. Our therapist said that men show affection during and after sex and women show affection before sex. 

She said to me that her friend and husband had a baby around 8 months ago, and that it has been months since the last time they had sex and that her husband could care less about sex and has the same affection/emotion towards her even without the sex. I hear her say this to me and all it makes me think is, am I complete a**hole because I can't operate at that same level? These must be something wrong with me if I want to have sex with my wife and if we don't I become more distant from her affectionately/emotionally...maybe I'm not the husband she needs.

She always says that she is sorry that she requests so much and the way my family is not showing affectionate that much that I would be better off with someone who is more like that, because my sister is the same way she doesn't show much affection. And I tell her the same thing, she is way better off finding someone like her friend's husband who can go months with out sex and not even blink twice about it.

It just sucks that every other aspect of our relationship is good and we both love each other, but we are so mismatched in the HD/LD part of our life...I wish things were more natural instead of us both having to make a conscious effort in trying to meet our main needs instead of just easily being a part of who we are.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Do both of you a favor and get divorced and each of you find someone more compatible.


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