# Hope , he wants out , why don't I? Very long



## ninaebeth (Nov 23, 2013)

My husband and I have been married for 2 years but together for 4 years. I am a nurse .When I met him I had been employed by the same facility for 7 years doing shiftwork .He felt that it was a strain on our relationship to continue shiftwork, So I quit my job and found a day position , Monday thru Friday. Right , before we married my director had told me I couldn't have off for my honeymoon. So once again my husband said to find another job. I found a job except in a managerial role. After, 9 months I was asked to be the Director so I took that position. Within 90 days I was terminated . I was devastated. 
In the mean time my husband had been accused of touching his 16 year old daughter sexually.
Granted, the child wanted to live with her mother who abandoned her and her brother when they were 6 years old. She had given up her paternal rights. Yes, a very dysfunctional family. My husband had insomnia and was taking a sleeper. One day he had an anxiety and called me up and was crying and couldn't stop. We went to see his family doctor. My husband was under so much stress about his daughters accusations he just lost it. The doctor prescribed an anti anxiety medication. Also his son was always in trouble with the law. On top of that he had to go to court to get his children back before this accusation occurred . Actually the accusation was developed after the biological mother lost in court. Dysfunction is all he has known until I came along. He told me of how past wives (Im the 3rd) and a live-in girlfriend of 8 years had emptied his bank account and took all his household things. He told me of his second wives affairs and had gotten pregnant by one of these men. While all this dysfunction was going on we would argue . At first it was about the girl he was seeing while dating me . I had no idea. Now I will tell you I had been going thru a divorce and would break up with him every other week but he kept coming back . He said because I was the ONE. I moved in and a week later he told me about her. He was sorry. but i think he knew that if I had known prior to moving in I wouldn't have moved in and left my house. Also, he couldn't understand that it bothered me that he keep in contact with this girl. I think he felt guilty because he said, "that I had won" and he always wanted me from the start. However, she contacted him and wanted to know if they could be sexual partners only. He told me about it and I explained to him this is why you shouldn't keep in contact.
Well we continued to fight about her or the way he was with his son very mean and belittling it was shameful . But my husband resented the fact that the children had put him through so much, it came out in his behavior and attitude toward them. A few months later , I decided I couldn't accept the fact that he would not stop being in contact with this woman and continued to argue with him. I told him I was leaving. He finally stated he wanted to try a relationship with the other woman. I moved out . After , 3 weeks he decided he wanted to try with me. Granted , we were not married. We then began to live as a happy couple we didn't argue he was kind to me. We had a joint bank account and everything seemed ok between him and I. He asked me to marry him . Right before we had gotten married his son had finally had gotten in trouble with the law so much they put him in a detention center. I noticed once Cory had moved out my husband had slowly shifted his resenting demeaning behavior towards me. He acted as if I couldn't do anything right. Constantly criticize how I did things. humiliate me in front of people. I felt as if I was walking on eggshells all the time. He started to resent me because of my employment even though I made good money On our honey moon my husband had gotten drunk and said " I never gave xxxxxx a chance to be a girlfriend" This is just one example of how he hurt me. Also, he became very disrespectful towards me when we would go out in public. He would make sexual comments toward other women. He would go overboard. All the other husband wouldn't act this way .I started to make excuses for him to our friends. I told them how his GF of 8 years would not allow him to even watch a tv program with women in bikinis. I would ask him about his behavior and he said to me that the other husbands were thinking what he had said to these women or about them. I told him that the behavior was very rude and disrespectful . He said he wouldn't live his life not being him.
As the disrespect and demeaning comments continued and escalated I began to feel broken. No self worth . Also, my husband controlled all our money and he would give me 300.00 every 2 weeks for gas etc. If I ever wanted to purchase anything that was over the 300.00 I would ask him and I would be told we didn't have the money. While he would be purchasing things for his motorcycles etc. He spent 80000.00 , he bought another Harley, a 01 corvette a toy hauler. Also, he bought me new car as my old one we gave to my daughter for her first car. I actually thought he was a great financial planner. Which brings me to the point that I have been so mentally distraught that I could not function. I felt I had no control over my life . One month before out first anniversary. I left taking the monies out of our joint bank account and a few appliances that we had purchased to redo our kitchen . Oh by the way he took out a second to redo the kitchen which was 15000. and said he paid his attorney 10000.00 to represent him in court which in fact he only paid 3000.00 and he charged it on his visa I felt so much guilt that I came back the next day by 3 in the afternoon gave him all the money back and things. Do you know the first thing he said to me when I left ...not why did you leave? but why did you take my stuff? here is another example of what I endured. I took my daughter to the store to get her shampoo and stuff. I asked my husband how much could I spend he said not too much cause we don't have any money. That very same night he bought his daughter an 1800.00 car and he charged it on his vise. Also, I left my job so he would not know where I was working. So I had too find another job . And I did. Now , granted I made in 09 50000.00 , and in 2010 63000.00, 2011 57000.00 2012 87000.00
2013 68000.00 My husband says that I have put him in so much debt that he has never been this broke . He said because I have switched jobs so much that it put a strain on our financials He stayed out all night this past Friday and says he slept in a hotel. Which he lied about because my friend can track anyone via cell phone. HE was 80miles away from where he said he was. Yesterday he says he cant even get his medicine ie Ambien and Zoloft. But yet he spent his money last Friday getting drunk and staying in a hotel. I didn't have my medicine for 3 weeks . I am a diabetic . So I started to take insulin . He knew I was out. Also, I was too scared too remind him because I didn't want too hear him . 
All this started when I opened the mail to organize the bills and found 6 visa statements and a charge account that I didn't know about. He had charged a total of 8200.00 between the 2 of them on automotive parts , parts for cars. parts for Harley and performance upgrades for Harley and a new engine for his corvette . Which he said he doesn't even remember purchasing as he was on his sleeper when he did it. Then I began to wonder . One time he text me and said he was stopping to have a drink after work at applebees . I textd ok. So I thought I would surprise him and go up there. I assumed he was talking about the applebees close to his work. I went there and he was not there. So I thought ok maybe another location. I went to the other one and seen him thru the glass sitting at the bar with a woman. The woman was his old neighbor. I didn't go in I shopped for an hour or two. When I got home . He was home and I asked him about Applebees. I asked which location. And he said the one closes to his job. I looked at him . This man who says he stands for integrity , honesty and loyalty. He lied .I told him I seen him. I asked him why would you lie about something so simple. He said it was easier to lie. He said that the neighbor just happened to be there. Well, after all this I began to wonder what else is he not telling me. He was secretive he locked his phone, he locked stuff in his safe. I hacked into his face book just to see what was going on. I didn't find anything which was not a surprise. His email at work would be the place to keep things. He found out I hacked his face book. He says he wants a divorce because he doesn't trust me for leaving him 15 months ago and for the things I have done. And that when I meet him I had potential , whatever that means . And I had too many jobs. Now he has moved to the toy hauler and is on dating sites. he Yanks my chain every once in awhile and says if we work it out..... I have no money. None on my credit card. He filled my gas tank up last week and gave me 10.00 and put a hundred on my credit card which was past due with a late fee so actually I had 65.00 . Also, when I went thru the bills I found that my medical copay and a lab charge had not been paid for over a year. And I am borrowing money . He wont give me money to move . So my daughter has an insurance settlement of 4000.00 and We are looking for a house together. Now that I write all this dysfunction. Divorce is probably the only option. I am not perfect and yes I have had a lot of jobs. I think it was because I was emotionally depressed and very consumed with my husband because the intimacy and caring was gone. I knew it was. I could feel the distance. My husband is resentful and he sad he wished he could turn back the clock and go back to the time when he adored me. I know he has been hurt by me and I him. But my heart hurts for him and I love him. I know I can recapture the lost intimacy and closeness but I don't think he can . It really was at first a great love. A story book love. The things he would say to me when he held me at night. He would say that I was his last breathe . I was his life. We would laugh together and enjoy each other. I would be in the kitchen doing dishes he would come up behind me and hold me real tight like he would never let go. On Sundays he would wash the cars and I would do a little cleaning, laundry sometimes we would grill out or go for a ride on the bike , stop and have a beer. I have been to many different countries . I have enjoyed travelling before I met him and all the overseas trip didn't compare to the enjoyment I had with him. We laughed together . Loved together. And tried to build a home together but life got in the way. We said forever.


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## ninaebeth (Nov 23, 2013)

please help me


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

He sounds like he has a drug problem and you are codependant. Your marriage doesn't sound healthy to me at all. Your heart has fooled you. Your posting here says your head is still on straight. If a friend told you that she lived like you do whould you tell her to stay? 
You married a man that has an unbelievable amount of baggage and I think you'lll find out that you have a broken picker when it comes to choosing a healthy partner. You need a individual councillor to address your codependency. 
TAM can help with the divorce or reconcilliation (if your nuts enough to stay). Start a 180, get an STD test done. Read more posts here. Take the blinders off.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Your husband has major issues..and is a drain on your emotions, finances, and health. His is treating you like garbage, and you more or less have been allowing him.
I would highly recommend seeking a lawyer, get control of your finances (opening an account in YOUR name only and talk to HR at you job(s) to direct deposit the $$ in that account). Your husband is controlling and has no respect for you...and he will lie, play the victim, guilt you, threaten, lessen your self-image...whatever he thinks will work (and has worked in the past) to keep you compliant and quiet...under his control. It will get ugly when you make your break, but you need to get away from him and his drama. You are no longer responsible for him. Also, get info on all the $$ you owe...especially if he opened up cards in your name (cos that is illegal for him)...get to your lawyer about bankruptcy if that is where you are at...and see if the assets he bought were in your name...thus your property that you ought to take control of and liquidate. Again, it will get ugly...but he is draining you to death and is out of control. Move. get a lawyer. CUT HIM OFF financially. And decide what you want to do from there.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Right love story, casting call turned up an actor though.
Sounds like you've gone from a strong capable woman to desperately trying to hold onto your script. Quitting jobs was just the beginning of giving away your authentic power.
Sounds like you got played.


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## ninaebeth (Nov 23, 2013)

All of you are correct...except he doesn't do drugs . I want to clear something up I have had in 4 years at least 10 jobs and what I mean by that is I have either quit or was terminated (2) I think I have been emotionally beat down . I still contributed to the marriage . However, he says he purchased things with the assumption that I would be employed and we could pay for them. However, no savings has ever been saved. He says its because of me switching jobs and the time I take off. But in my defense I still made good money. I tried to please him as he would always schedule trips and I would have to try and get off . He has been with his company for 22 years and can take extended weekends etc. I agree this is not healthy and you can't live with love alone. I think he is consumed with resentment and it's his choice whether he wants to repair and heal the marriage. I will not deposit any more money into his account. One more thing he says that he can afford all the bills if he doesn't have to pay my car payment. Which is 500.00. But yet we are always broke. I don't get it. And I am not trying to make him out to be a mean spiteful man. But some of the things he has said have cut to the core. I know he does not trust me an I do not trust him. I know me I have always been forgiving and move forward . I have emotional needs that need to be met as well. I have consulted with my attorney and I know my legal rights. I thank all of you for all your input as this site has been a blessing . Thank you all.


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