# Wife pushing me away



## Sincererlytrying (Oct 31, 2012)

Wife pushing me away

I appreciate any insight or ideas. I love my wife. We've been having severe troubles for a few months now. We've been going to counseling for a while and I've found it to be very informative. I've learned that both of us have difficulty communicating with each other, listening and expressing empathy. The skills that the counselor has shown us seem very useful and straight forward.

The problem is that she doesn't want to practice or use these tools. I guess I might not be patient enough. I know I need to practice them to get better. But, if she won't agree to talk, answer me when I attempt to start a dialogue, or only answers in a hurtful manner, what can I do? 

The counselor suggested individual counseling, and she went once and didn't follow up again. Maybe he didn't think she needed any more?

I am really worried about her. She seems so different. I am worried about depression and her health. Unfortunately, the silence and anger have made me very anxious, impatient, confused, frustrated and sometimes angry, which I am struggling to keep under control.

Any thoughts?


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## Timtim (Nov 3, 2012)

You can only do what you can. She has to want things to get better. Keep seeing your counselor and keep trying.
Good luck.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Tell her the silence & not opening up with communication is really worrying you. When/if she answers that with a hurtful, angry manner.. Just say.. Okay, I hear your frustration of not wanting to open up... Is it something I'm saying wrong?

Then... when you go to couple counseling again... tell the counselor that you tried to ask her why she is not talking & only replying negatively, but that she is closing off even more.


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## BookOfJob (Jul 6, 2012)

ST, how good are you at communicating with her? How good is she at communicating with you?

Have you tried other means of communcations, like email or text messages (while at work, e.g.)? Maybe you can get a chance at re-connecting with her again that way.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

BookOfJob said:


> ST, how good are you at communicating with her? How good is she at communicating with you?
> 
> Have you tried other means of communcations, like email or text messages (while at work, e.g.)? Maybe you can get a chance at re-connecting with her again that way.


ohhh.. like that Idea!. Maybe if she is too upset to verbally talk, that writing out her feelings, or conversations to you.. she might open up more..

Even if it is negative feelings.. at least getting it "out" would help her... (instead of shutting it down & closing you off). I encourage the letters or emails!. Keep trying with her.


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## BookOfJob (Jul 6, 2012)

Sincererlytrying said:


> ............ I've learned that both of us have difficulty communicating with each other, listening and expressing empathy. The skills that the counselor has shown us seem very useful and straight forward.


OK, my apology for the knee-jerk answer in my post above. There is the answer to my question in your original post. However, my suggestion on email/text still stands (spoken by a veteran but in my case it is all too late and I wouldn't be able to do this). I believe the benefit of written media (email/text) is that you are able to compose your thoughts in calm thoughtful manner. The same for her, especially both of you are not (yet) good at communicating with each other. Some people are just better with written media than spoken.

Reading your first post again, I was thinking there's something about resentment in your relationship. Can you start digging into it, from both your side and hers?


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## Sincererlytrying (Oct 31, 2012)

In follow up.

Today, she kept an appointment to try to talk with me. I was optimistic at first. Then, she sat down with her back to me and spoke in an angry tone when I asked her to face me. We tried the dialogue our counselor recommended a month ago. I listened to her, mirrored it back, expressed understanding and empathy. When I tried to tell her something I felt, she misunderstood me, and got mad when I told her that wasn't what I meant. She refused to try the dialogue again. She says she hates doing this stuff.

She won't read the articles he recommends. She complained that the materials I forwarded to her from this site drone on and on about communication, listening, and empathy. I sat there with her and tried to read from the counselor's materials and this site's articles and she sat there silent.

She blamed me for asking her about cuddling, or intimacy twice in the past 2 weeks. Jeez, the counselor says we should try!

She wants me to move out. I want to try to fix things. I know I can be better and am trying. I can't easily move. If she is the one who wants to be alone shouldn't she move out? I take her staying as a signal I should keep trying. This home, the kids, it's half mine and I am not giving up my life. It feels like giving up to me. I witnessed my mother be nasty to my father for years and drive him away.

The counselor told me to let her hurt me and be patient. A friend says I should protect myself, my finances and see a lawyer just to be prepared.

I, of course, am anxious and angry.


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## BookOfJob (Jul 6, 2012)

The only tool I have is a hammer and now everything looks like a nail.

I'm sure other posters will chime in here, but your last post seems to raise a major red flag on her behavior (not wanting to work it out, wants you to move out, blaming you for showing affection).

Have you considered if she is in an affair (i.e. madly in love with someone else)?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

ST, this will be shocking to you, but try not to go into denial. Don't get pissed at me or dismiss this out of hand without thinking very, very carefully. 



Sincererlytrying said:


> Wife pushing me away
> I appreciate any insight or ideas. I love my wife. We've been having severe troubles for a few months now.


Okay, right here I'm going to insert a post by you from another thread that contains a lot of the answer to your problem:



Sincererlytrying said:


> Sex often started with her giving me oral sex as a way for her to get turned on. ... always made it so it didn't happen in her mouth. Last spring,* after 18 years of marriage, she surprised me one morning by swallowing*....


Your wife's boyfriend asked her to swallow after they'd done a few sessions with her not swallowing, she did (wives always do wild stuff, even wilder than just swallowing, with their OMs that they won't do with their BHs), and it wasn't that bad. The guy loved it, so she loved it and she decided to share it with you. Another reason is that semen contains a ****tail of mood elevating chemicals that can be absorbed sublingually or through the walls of the vagina. When your wife started doing it with affair partner, she got high. She tried it with you, but it seems like she has developed an immunity to your brand.



Sincererlytrying said:


> She never really got in the mood again,


Either she stopped because OM asked her to keep that special between the two of them after she told him she did it with you, she decided on her own that you were unworthy (she has to devalue you to carry on the affair) of such a gift, she swallowed with you only the once out of spite, or it didn't elevate her mood like OM(s).



Sincererlytrying said:


> I'm still trying to figure out how she was so horny for 3 months, then got angry, cut me off and now we're seeing a counselor.


She was extra horny because another guy(s) has been pushing her horny buttons into virgin territory. They've been having wild, condom free monkey sex starting about the time she had a big surge in her libido. She's been faking/provoking arguments as part of the "distancing process" of devaluing the BH that WWs go through. She cut you off to be true to her new sex partner(s) and out of revulsion toward your (to her) total cluelessness to the fact she's been banging somebody else for months. Again, this is part of the process she has. It means you're not really her soul-mate, you're an imposter who has wasted 18 years of her time. If you were really the magical one and only true love, you would have read her mind or sensed her snatch was being violated. This is all the work of her "rationalization hamster." It's how women try to reconcile their moral beliefs, the "I hate cheaters" rational thoughts in the cortex, with addictive, animalistic, adulterous sex as demanded by the limbic libido.



Sincererlytrying said:


> We've been going to counseling for a while and I've found it to be very informative. I've learned that both of us have difficulty communicating with each other, listening and expressing empathy. The skills that the counselor has shown us seem very useful and straight forward.


All the sessions and workbooks are a total waste of time while your wife is carrying on with her OM(s). The brain sex chemistry of PEA, dopamine, norepinephrine, adrenaline, serotonin, etc etc etc make her high as a kite, much like crack. She's an addict and you're trying to reason her out of her addiction. Ain't gonna work.



Sincererlytrying said:


> The problem is that she doesn't want to practice or use these tools. I guess I might not be patient enough. I know I need to practice them to get better. But, if she won't agree to talk, answer me when I attempt to start a dialogue, or only answers in a hurtful manner, what can I do?


She won't do it, because she has contempt for you, you're weak and a fraud and relationship talk from any man who doesn't love his woman enough to know she's in an affair is just a huge turnoff. Also it causes disharmony in her mind (cortex vs. limbic) and the rationalization hamster has to work too hard to reconcile them.



Sincererlytrying said:


> The counselor suggested individual counseling, and she went once and didn't follow up again. Maybe he didn't think she needed any more?


She either stonewalled the counselor or admitted the affair(s). Either way she's not going to stop.



Sincererlytrying said:


> I am really worried about her. She seems so different.


You mean she's acting like some alien has taken over her body? That weird look she gives you like her eye are focused about 10 feet behind your head? Yup. Guess what that behavior means? Out of control contempt for a cuckolded husband.



Sincererlytrying said:


> I am worried about depression and her health.


You should be worried about her health. Women in affairs don't use rubbers for the reason given above. 



Sincererlytrying said:


> In follow up.
> 
> Today, she kept an appointment to try to talk with me. I was optimistic at first. Then, she sat down with her back to me and spoke in an angry tone when I asked her to face me. We tried the dialogue our counselor recommended a month ago. I listened to her, mirrored it back, expressed understanding and empathy. When I tried to tell her something I felt, she misunderstood me, and got mad when I told her that wasn't what I meant. She refused to try the dialogue again. She says she hates doing this stuff.


Yes, she does hate it. I've explained it above. Reread it if you need to. For a woman deep in an affair, this is like pulling teeth with pliers.



Sincererlytrying said:


> She won't read the articles he recommends. She complained that the materials I forwarded to her from this site drone on and on about communication, listening, and empathy. I sat there with her and tried to read from the counselor's materials and this site's articles and she sat there silent.


100% standard affair behavior. Quit talking relationship, quit the counseling. You can't talk her out of this. You have to act.



Sincererlytrying said:


> She blamed me for asking her about cuddling, or intimacy twice in the past 2 weeks. Jeez, the counselor says we should try!


No, you shouldn't beg for sex. That's female repelling behavior. Do not ask for any contact. Go cold.



Sincererlytrying said:


> She wants me to move out.


She wants to be able to move the OM into you house. Do you have kids? How old/many?



Sincererlytrying said:


> I want to try to fix things. I know I can be better and am trying.


You don't need to be better, she just needs to quit screwing the new guy(s). We can tell you how to do everything you can to get her back; it's still a long shot though, and you have to pay attention and do what we tell you. All these things are like the women are working from a script. They do the same things women have done in the same sequence since time began, most likely. We see it on this board time after time after time. Don't be like most of the poor suckers on here and don't say "My wife would never do that" or "the nerve of these guys thinking my wife would have an affair, she's just depressed." 



Sincererlytrying said:


> I can't easily move. If she is the one who wants to be alone shouldn't she move out?


OM is probably married and if he isn't he probably lives in Mom's attic.



Sincererlytrying said:


> I take her staying as a signal I should keep trying. This home, the kids, it's half mine and I am not giving up my life. It feels like giving up to me.


She'll get you out of the house with a bogus restraining order if she has to.



Sincererlytrying said:


> The counselor told me to let her hurt me and be patient. A friend says I should protect myself, my finances and see a lawyer just to be prepared.


Listen to your friend and quit going to the counselor. If you wish, we can give you info on how to investigate and how to act around her. Just say the word. Whatever you do, don't confront her without reporting back here. We can tell you how to handle that part of it depending on whether or not you want to divorce or try to get her back (not really recommended unless young kids are in the picture).


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I also think you need to investigate QUIETLY here.

Do Not confront yet! Gather evidence frst!

Put a VAR in her car. Get a keylogger on the PC and pull the cell phone records. Look for a lot of texts/calls to one or two numbers you don't recognize at all hours of the day.

Is she doing anything differently? New hair-do or clothes or make-up? Is her cell phone glued to her hip?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Do not move out. If she wants to go, she goes. Be firm on this. My husband's 1st wife told him to get out, he did, & the OM moved in. It was a disaster for his children.

If there is no affair, she could be "walk-away-wife" depending on the ages of your children. Do some research on this.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Do NOT leave the marital house.

That could backfire on you tremendously. Even if you say you didn't want to leave.. that you both agreed you couldn't live together.. blah blah blah... It will bite you in the ass if it comes to divorce attorneys.

Stay in the house. If she wants to live seperately, then make her leave. Now.. If things are really ultra bad, you could split living areas within the house. 

But I really suggest to do as counselor says. Let her hurt you, just be patient. It will either come out that she is cheating... Or , she will finally get frustrated enough that she will breakdown & let you know what is wrong.


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