# How separated is separated?



## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

I've written on here before, but now I have another question. My husband and I have been separated for a month now. It's not a legal separation and he is paying for my rent and living expenses for my daughter (16 months old) and I. Should I open a separate bank account? He has said that he "needs time" doesn't know how much time and also doesn't know if he will ever want to be with me again. Also he's going away (by himself) somewhere for thanksgiving. Should I ask where so I have an extra contact in case I can't get a hold of him on his cell? This is all new to me and I don't want seem like I'm begging and blah blah blah. Thanks in advance for your answers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Don't ask him where is he going , if he doesn't tell you means he doesn't want you to know .

Own bank account sounds great . And everything you can think of to really separate from him.

Are you doing 180 ?


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Hey, sweet girl.  

I remember you.

I hope you're doing well.

You should definitely separate your finances, to protect you and your little one.

I wouldn't ask his whereabouts. 

It just makes you look clingy.

He'll answer his cell, if you need him.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

separated2000 said:


> I've written on here before, but now I have another question. My husband and I have been separated for a month now. It's not a legal separation and he is paying for my rent and living expenses for my daughter (16 months old) and I. Should I open a separate bank account? He has said that he "needs time" doesn't know how much time and also doesn't know if he will ever want to be with me again. Also he's going away (by himself) somewhere for thanksgiving. Should I ask where so I have an extra contact in case I can't get a hold of him on his cell? This is all new to me and I don't want seem like I'm begging and blah blah blah. Thanks in advance for your answers.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you working?

May I ask why he is paying for the rent / living expenses at this current moment?

What exactly is the set up financially.

If he is paying for these things right now, on what premise?

Could separating the bank accounts stop this from happening?

As for the Thanksgiving thing.

You could ask him for a number he can be reached at in the event of an emergency with your daughter.

If he doesn't want to give it up, do not persist and let it be.

At least your daughter has one caring parent and that's the only thing you have control over.


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

BigMac said:


> Don't ask him where is he going , if he doesn't tell you means he doesn't want you to know .
> 
> Own bank account sounds great . And everything you can think of to really separate from him.
> 
> Are you doing 180 ?


I've actually been doing 180 before I knew it existed. I really felt the need to release my husband from any obligations of being my husband simply because I don't want someone who doesn't want me (of course I still want him, but not on wrong terms) I began that in October. Do you know the average length of time before you see a change if ever?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> Hey, sweet girl.
> 
> I remember you.
> 
> ...


Yeah I've asked a few questions  how are things with you? I like to know people's story but often times don't know where to find the begining on this site.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

separated2000 said:


> I've actually been doing 180 before I knew it existed. I really felt the need to release my husband from any obligations of being my husband simply because I don't want someone who doesn't want me (of course I still want him, but not on wrong terms) I began that in October. Do you know the average length of time before you see a change if ever?




It is case by case , you know , depends of the person . In my case worked after 1 week.

Good luck , follow 180 and stay strong . He'll knock on you door soon , you'll see . He'll need his family after realizing the grass isn't greener out there. Be prepared .


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

separated2000 said:


> I've actually been doing 180 before I knew it existed. I really felt the need to release my husband from any obligations of being my husband simply because I don't want someone who doesn't want me (of course I still want him, but not on wrong terms) I began that in October. Do you know the average length of time before you see a change if ever?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Change in who?

Your stbxh?

When / if they are ready, you will know.

Doing the 180 is about yourself though, waiting for him to come around because he noticed you do the 180 may not yield the results you are hoping for.


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> Are you working?
> 
> May I ask why he is paying for the rent / living expenses at this current moment?
> 
> ...


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

separated2000 said:


> Yeah I've asked a few questions  how are things with you? I like to know people's story but often times don't know where to find the begining on this site.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My story used to be on here.

I'll pm you a reminder.


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

BigMac said:


> It is case by case , you know , depends of the person . In my case worked after 1 week.
> 
> Good luck , follow 180 and stay strong . He'll knock on you door soon , you'll see . He'll need his family after realizing the grass isn't greener out there. Be prepared .[/QUOTE
> 
> ...


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Great idea, keeping records  Paper trails make things easier down the road if need be.

What is the thought behind getting a separate account at this current time?

Does he give you money directly, or 'allow' it from the joint account?


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

separated2000 said:


> BigMac said:
> 
> 
> > It is case by case , you know , depends of the person . In my case worked after 1 week.
> ...


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

By the way, on point four, of your post to Up...

I agree that it would be okay to ask for an additional number, but not his whereabouts.


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> Change in who?
> 
> Your stbxh?
> 
> ...


Change in our relationship. Yeah that's true about concentrating on myself. I lose track when I'm alone though. It's ok though. I'm usually good.
Regardless though, I don't ever mention anything to my husband about a bad day, I just cry after he picks up our daughter so he doesn't see.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

separated2000 said:


> Change in our relationship. Yeah that's true about concentrating on myself. I lose track when I'm alone though. It's ok though. I'm usually good.
> Regardless though, I don't ever mention anything to my husband about a bad day, I just cry after he picks up our daughter so he doesn't see.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I said "though" a bunch of times haha. Sorry about my grammar.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

separated2000 said:


> Change in our relationship. Yeah that's true about concentrating on myself. I lose track when I'm alone though. It's ok though. I'm usually good.
> Regardless though, I don't ever mention anything to my husband about a bad day, I just cry after he picks up our daughter so he doesn't see.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's called "faking it to make it" and that's okay to do if needed.

What do YOU want out of all of this?


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> My story used to be on here.
> 
> I'll pm you a reminder.


Ty!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

separated2000 said:


> I said "though" a bunch of times haha. Sorry about my grammar.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There is no need to apologize.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

If I can stress anything, it would be this...

Please don't do anything with expectations of him coming back to you.

He may never, then you'll be a mess.

Use this time to work on you.

Learn to love you, like you deserve to be loved.

I promise you, it will make an incredible difference.

I promise.


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> That's called "faking it to make it" and that's okay to do if needed.
> 
> What do YOU want out of all of this?


I want a step-by-step process to have a strong marriage in the future. I don't trust that he won't leave again and we are so far from having a friendship it's ridiculous. I want to go to marriage counseling so that we have someone to guide us through and give us homework to build a conversation (without fear from either one of us) that will eventually build to a friendship and so forth. Right now he believes everything in our marriage has been "fake" from my side. Partially he's correct because I didn't know how to love (we were married at 18 and 19). No infidelity involved. I'm personally having a hard time understanding why he can't give any hope to our relationship. That is on him though and it's best I leave that thought alone so I'm not tormented by it. He's truly a great man, just life has happened and he feels its too much for him right now. Not making excuses for him, but I do know his integrity and character (we've known each other for 17 years) and this is certainly not the same man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> Great idea, keeping records  Paper trails make things easier down the road if need be.
> 
> What is the thought behind getting a separate account at this current time?
> 
> Does he give you money directly, or 'allow' it from the joint account?


Just wondering how separated I should make this to protect myself. He gives me the money but I have access to online banking. We have a joint account.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

separated2000 said:


> Just wondering how separated I should make this to protect myself. He gives me the money but I have access to online banking. We have a joint account.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If he wants a separation.

Give him what he wants.

Open up your own bank account and place the money he gives you in there.

It's none of his business what you do with the money after he pays 'child support'.

That's how it would work once the divorce was said and done anyways.

As long as your daughter is being taken care of, which from the sounds of it, she is.


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> If he wants a separation.
> 
> Give him what he wants.
> 
> ...


Ok and as far as spousal support is concerned, we've been married for 12 years. He would normally need to provide for that as well, yes? Wanting to make things clear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

separated2000 said:


> Ok and as far as spousal support is concerned, we've been married for 12 years. He would normally need to provide for that as well, yes? Wanting to make things clear.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Legal questions are best left to the professionals.

Where I'm from, you can go talk to Legal Aid and ask them questions.

If you aren't working, you would most likely qualify for it.

You could also go down to your local government branch that deals with family law and obtain lots of information in family law etc.

It's what I did back when it started for me and I was happy I did.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

separated2000 said:


> Just don't my hopes up ya know? I have good and challenging days. Most days are good, just depends on how long I have to think haha




I would never and even try to do that hon . I'm speaking out of a man standpoint .

You say no infidelity involved .

Then here what I think is happening:

He got bored with the marriage live , responsibilities , young child etc. So he think if he get out of it he'll be happier , he'll find a new girl , just fun and NO responsibilities ... just love and roses ... and they'll live happily even after.

One small issue with his plan - it DOESN'T work this way . 

This is why I said - he'll soon realize the grass is not greener out there and what is he going to do ??? Knocking on your door 

You'll see


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

How many sessions have you had with IC?


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

So my husband just told me that I should look into getting my own account to put my own money in. Sound like a step towards something?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Just agree with him for now and don't ask questions .

" Yes [name] , tomorrow I'll open my own bank account , thank you for the great idea "


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> How many sessions have you had with IC?


I have been seeing a counselor for a little over a year now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

separated2000 said:


> So my husband just told me that I should look into getting my own account to put my own money in. Sound like a step towards something?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds like you need to protect YOU, baby girl.


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

BigMac said:


> Just agree with him for now and don't ask questions .
> 
> " Yes [name] , tomorrow I'll open my own bank account , thank you for the great idea "


I'll say exactly that then.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Silence is golden.

Defiant wants separate accounts.

Defiant gets.

He gets it in silence.


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

My heart just broke a little more 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

separated2000 said:


> I have been seeing a counselor for a little over a year now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Does the counselor challenge you?


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

separated2000 said:


> My heart just broke a little more
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What do you mean?


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Did you bring this up to him or did he do it all on his own?


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> Did you bring this up to him or did he do it all on his own?


He did it on his own. It's because I was gonna do an online purchase and I asked if I could use the account and I would pay him back tomorrow. Well, I found out trying to make the transaction that he changed the address to his current residence. Then he suggested it.

I suppose it's best, but it hurt to have him bring it up knowing that he's making all the changes for separation as it is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

He said that he can always be reached on his cell. In other words he doesn't want me to know where he's going. So it stands that I shouldn't ask him questions still right? As far as if this is leading to a divorce?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

separated2000 said:


> He said that he can always be reached on his cell. In other words he doesn't want me to know where he's going. So it stands that I shouldn't ask him questions still right? As far as if this is leading to a divorce?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What do his actions tell you right now?

Don't go by his words, those are going to never become clear until he understands himself.

He asks you to separate the bank account.

He doesn't want you to know where he is.

He changed his address.

These are actions.

What does this tell you?

It's hard and it's scary. My heart goes out to you, it really does.

Here is yet another question though.

You asked on here, if you should separate your account.

He just so happened to be thinking the same thing.

Why did you want to?


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> What do his actions tell you right now?
> 
> Don't go by his words, those are going to never become clear until he understands himself.
> 
> ...


To protect myself and to have records to show in case in chose to divorce me. 
True these are actions, do I just wait for him to pull the plug or say something to him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

separated2000 said:


> To protect myself and to have records to show in case in chose to divorce me.
> True these are actions, do I just wait for him to pull the plug or say something to him?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What would you say?


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> What would you say?


I say that I talk with him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

separated2000 said:


> I say that I talk with him
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You want to talk to him about the separation?

If it's leading to divorce?

How will we parent our daughter?

Those kinds of things?


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> You want to talk to him about the separation?
> 
> If it's leading to divorce?
> 
> ...


I just want to know of his actions are leading towards divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Separated2000.

I have to get to bed but I want to leave you with this for tonight.

What you want to say to him will come off completely different to him.

It's hard to understand right now, but you both are speaking different languages.

Things will not line up like you think it will right now.

One thing you do know, the bank accounts need to be separated.

Take that for tonight and rest your mind the best you can.

Try to get some good sleep.

Make sure you are eating well and if possible, start doing something different.

Go for walks, maybe get some exercise.

Do something new with your daughter.

Figure out something that you've always wanted to do, no matter how small and do it.

Was there something your ex never wanted you to do?

Do it now.

This is your time to start doing things to make yourself happy.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

separated2000 said:


> I just want to know of his actions are leading towards divorce.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No one knows that, but him, sweetie.

And, you can't control it.

All you can do is take care of you and that precious baby.


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

separated2000 said:


> I just want to know of his actions are leading towards divorce.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I will see your response in the morning. I appreciate your help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
Oh I just refreshed it and saw your responses. Ok thank you everyone.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

separated2000 said:


> I just want to know of his actions are leading towards divorce.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I don't think he even know what his actions means .

Again , just agree with him and don't ask questions . Do not contact him , when he does be short and cold ... ICE cold !
And go from there , you'll see soon the changes


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

How are you doing today S2K?


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> How are you doing today S2K?


I'm better. I was praying this morning and was reminded that I had asked specifically not to know what one of our girl friends he will be hanging out with (there's a reason), so I believe I know where's he's going. I'm gonna take some time away from this site. I need to focus on myself and my daughter and I just want to ask more questions when I'm on here. I have a counselor so I'm not alone in this process. Thank you to everyone. I will be back on soon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

separated2000 said:


> I'm better. I was praying this morning and was reminded that I had asked specifically not to know what one of our girl friends he will be hanging out with (there's a reason), so I believe I know where's he's going. I'm gonna take some time away from this site. I need to focus on myself and my daughter and I just want to ask more questions when I'm on here. I have a counselor so I'm not alone in this process. Thank you to everyone. I will be back on soon.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good luck. We will be here for you.


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