# considering a divorce



## s_b (Oct 5, 2011)

hi everyone, 

I have been married for 8 years but I am not happy. I guess I am staying married for the kids and because I am afraid to stay alone. I met a guy some time ago and we developed a passionate emotional relationship. I guess to be honest with myself, I would consider having a serious relationship with him and it would be easier for me to file for a divorce if I knew that we would be together. However, he keeps saying that I should get divorced for myself, not for him and if nothing works out between us in the future, then I will be on my own. Does he have a point? Sometimes I think that he does not want to take any risk , have fun and then move on and eventually I will get hurt and end up alone. Any ideas?


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## Rawrdonstein (Jun 14, 2012)

Pull the knife out of your husband's back. File for divorce. As far as help on how to keep your EA partner. I doubt you'll find much of that here.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

The man your cheating on does not think very highly of you. He does not want an emotional relationship with you. He just wants to get laid, that's all.

Tell your husband you have feelings for someone else. Otherwise your living in a daily lie. Just think about it, how would you feel if your husband fell in love with another woman other then you??? 

File for divorce. You are betraying your husband in the worst way. Also, you cheating on your husband is not his fault in any way shape or form. You had the option to fix your marriage before you cheated. You are using your husband for food, shelter, and for another body around the house. Being alone is much better then using someone because it's convenient. Good luck.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So basically, you are thinking about divorce so you can be with the person you are cheating with.

That's nasty. At least be honest with your husband and kids and tell them you have been cheating and you are breaking up the family so you can have your affair full time.

It will help them knowing the truth, and will help them get over you since they will know just the sort of marriage problem that ended the marriage.

The remember about the new guy- if they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.

Oh, and don't rip off your betrayed husband in the divorce, he should get the house and kids, since the kids will only slow down your affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Leah123 (Jul 12, 2012)

Is the new man you found single or married?


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## s_b (Oct 5, 2011)

he is recently divorced. And I do not have physical relationship with him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The chances of an affair lasting after a divorce is amost zero. The number I usually see is that the affair has about 3% chance of turning into a life partner.

So what's wrong with your marriage? Why not work on fixing your marriage?

Or, get some job skills so you can take care of yourself.


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## s_b (Oct 5, 2011)

Shaggy, sorry for a weird question, I guess. Are you a man or a woman? Why do you think it is nasty to consider a divorce to be with another person? Or you think it is nasty that there is another person while I am still married?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

s_b said:


> he is recently divorced. And I do not have physical relationship with him.


A EA is an emotional affair. They are generally more distructive to a marriage than an affair is only physical.

You are in an affair that just has not gone physical yet. A huge % of physcial affairs (PA) start out as an EA.


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## s_b (Oct 5, 2011)

EleGirl, thanks for your reply. I am not financially dependent on my husband, I do have a great career and can provide for myself.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

s_b said:


> he is recently divorced. And I do not have physical relationship with him.


Maybe you are physical yet, but you are having an emotional affair which is still cheating. And it means your husband and family can't complete at all, because your EA partner doesn't have to deal with any real day-day stuff, all he has to help you live in a fantasy escape world.

You're brain gets the same affair chemical high from being with another man, and making him the priority in you emotional life as a physical affair does.

Those chemicals make you bond with him, and they make you want to ditch any current relationships so that you can be with him.

Hence you wanting to dump your family.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

s_b said:


> EleGirl, thanks for your reply. I am not financially dependent on my husband, I do have a great career and can provide for myself.


Oh, your original post makes it sound like you are a dependent SAHM. 

So you can take care of yourself and your children. Get a divorce before you get involved with someone outside your marriage.

It's not wise to just go from one man to another. Poeple need time between relationships to get their head together.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

s_b said:


> Shaggy, sorry for a weird question, I guess. Are you a man or a woman? Why do you think it is nasty to consider a divorce to be with another person? Or you think it is nasty that there is another person while I am still married?


I think it's nasty that you are having an emotional affair, and that it is leading you to turn on your husband and want to divorce him.

EA's are just as much as betrayal as a PA, in fact for some they are much worse because you have allowed another man to emotionally enter your marriage.

Right now you are living in two relationships, and you have 3 people in your marriage. Your husband however thinks you are still with him, and that there are only two of you in the marriage.


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## s_b (Oct 5, 2011)

Shaggy, EleGirl, 
I am surprised you are advising a divorce as an easy thing to do. We have discussed separation several times over the last 5 years, it is not a total surprise for my husband. What stops us? 2 kids. Plus, my husband wants to separate the kids, partially to avoid child support and partially to see one the kids all the time. Yes, i know EA is not the best solution in our situation, but it is a way out for me. I guess, I am waiting till the kids are older to leave. It is scary after all.


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## Treetoad (Jul 16, 2012)

I am new to this site but I can relate to this persons dilemma. I have been unhappily married for almost 10 years. My husband is a good person, but he doesn't want to do anything w/me or give me any attention. I have called him out on this on numerous occasions and he just shuts down., tells me to leave I do the cooking, the cleaning, the bills,etc. I feel like a servant. I get no enjoyment. I stayed for our son (now 18). I am in the process of paying off debts to leave. We will both be in good standing condition. I will walk away, he will get everything (house included). I will not bad-mouth him in public. I just want to be w/someone who wants to be w/me. Life is short, I am not going to be miserable forever. I happened to have met some one who makes me laugh, makes me look forward to the next day, makes me happy. I did not plan on this. Is this a crime? 10+ years is a long time to be patient. I am only "friendly" w/this person. Nothing elses. But I would like to have a chance at happiness again. I see nothing wrong w/this. So what if it turns into a relationship, I deserve it. So please don't be so harsh on this person. It's not like the husband can't see it coming, right?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Make your choice about the marriage assuming you WILL be alone.

I understand that people have bad marriages that cannot be fixed. But to leave that marriage for someone else is a huge mistake.

If you are afraid of being alone and choose to stay married, what good is that? You need to get over your fear of being alone and THEN decide if you want to work on your marriage. Otherwise, the fear will keep you from insisting on getting your needs met, and you will continue to be unhappy. 

Being single is wonderful, once you have gotten past the fear--and it is hands down better than being in an unhappy marriage.


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## Treetoad (Jul 16, 2012)

Beautifully said.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Basically what the OP is saying is that her husband is good enough to help pay the bills, watch the kids and provide some security but not good enough for her. She will only consider leaving if she has someone to run to. She cannot make it on her own and *MUST* depend on someone else. It's sad for the OP and her husband.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Treetoad said:


> I am new to this site but I can relate to this persons dilemma. I have been unhappily married for almost 10 years. My husband is a good person, but he doesn't want to do anything w/me or give me any attention. I have called him out on this on numerous occasions and he just shuts down., tells me to leave I do the cooking, the cleaning, the bills,etc. I feel like a servant. I get no enjoyment. I stayed for our son (now 18). I am in the process of paying off debts to leave. We will both be in good standing condition. I will walk away, he will get everything (house included). I will not bad-mouth him in public. I just want to be w/someone who wants to be w/me. Life is short, I am not going to be miserable forever. I happened to have met some one who makes me laugh, makes me look forward to the next day, makes me happy. I did not plan on this. Is this a crime? 10+ years is a long time to be patient. I am only "friendly" w/this person. Nothing elses. But I would like to have a chance at happiness again. I see nothing wrong w/this. So what if it turns into a relationship, I deserve it. So please don't be so harsh on this person. It's not like the husband can't see it coming, right?


I'm curious. Does your husband know your planning to leave? Everyone deserves happiness but they also deserve honesty? Have you been honest with your husband about your plans and your new guy?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

s_b said:


> Shaggy, EleGirl,
> I am surprised you are advising a divorce as an easy thing to do. We have discussed separation several times over the last 5 years, it is not a total surprise for my husband. What stops us? 2 kids. Plus, my husband wants to separate the kids, partially to avoid child support and partially to see one the kids all the time. Yes, i know EA is not the best solution in our situation, but it is a way out for me. I guess, I am waiting till the kids are older to leave. It is scary after all.


Divorce is hard. Living with someone the way you are is harder. I've been through both. Divorce is preferable.

The idea of separating the children is not just bad, it's horrible. They deserve to grow up as siblings. All you would have to do is to tell the court that you do not agree with separating the children and the court will not allow it.

Cheating while married makes you a user and a liar.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Treetoad said:


> I am new to this site but I can relate to this persons dilemma. I have been unhappily married for almost 10 years. My husband is a good person, but he doesn't want to do anything w/me or give me any attention. I have called him out on this on numerous occasions and he just shuts down., tells me to leave I do the cooking, the cleaning, the bills,etc. I feel like a servant. I get no enjoyment. I stayed for our son (now 18). I am in the process of paying off debts to leave. We will both be in good standing condition. I will walk away, he will get everything (house included). I will not bad-mouth him in public. I just want to be w/someone who wants to be w/me. Life is short, I am not going to be miserable forever. I happened to have met some one who makes me laugh, makes me look forward to the next day, makes me happy. I did not plan on this. Is this a crime? 10+ years is a long time to be patient. I am only "friendly" w/this person. Nothing elses. But I would like to have a chance at happiness again. I see nothing wrong w/this. So what if it turns into a relationship, I deserve it. So please don't be so harsh on this person. It's not like the husband can't see it coming, right?


If he has ignored you for all these years then I can see why you want to leave him. But why are you not going to take what is legally yours to give you a heard start in your new single life?

The chances of this new relationship working out is very slim... about 3%. Do not bank on it.


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## s_b (Oct 5, 2011)

Enginerd said:


> I'm curious. Does your husband know your planning to leave? Everyone deserves happiness but they also deserve honesty? Have you been honest with your husband about your plans and your new guy?


Yes, he knows. I opened up to him a few months ago. He knows I am unhappy and I offered two options to him: divorce or an open marriage. He did not accept either one. We had multiple discussions on the same topic in the past. But in January it was the first time I initiated the conversation and I think he actually understood that I am serious. But I did not tell him about another guy.


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## s_b (Oct 5, 2011)

sisters359 said:


> Make your choice about the marriage assuming you WILL be alone.
> 
> I understand that people have bad marriages that cannot be fixed. But to leave that marriage for someone else is a huge mistake.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your post! I keep re-re-reading what you said. Thank you!
And thank you everyone for your replies. I DID need your feedback.


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## LostOneForGood (Jun 4, 2012)

I am going through the craziest situation ever myself, but I have to comment on this..

Does everyone remember when they met their current spouse? Wasn't there butterflies, excitement, mystery, laughter, passion, etc? Of course their was, thats why you got married! Now fast forward : Bills, house, job, kids, stress, everyday routine, etc. Does everyone think that this New person will be exempt from everyday life? Of course a new relationship is wonderful, you dont have the everyday grind yet, add that and see what happens.. So sick of the Grass is greener on the Other side, well it may be green now, but after time the drought will set in and the question is " Are you in it for the long haul, or will you move on to another pasture?


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## s_b (Oct 5, 2011)

LostOneForGood said:


> I am going through the craziest situation ever myself, but I have to comment on this..
> 
> Does everyone remember when they met their current spouse? Wasn't there butterflies, excitement, mystery, laughter, passion, etc? Of course their was, thats why you got married! Now fast forward : Bills, house, job, kids, stress, everyday routine, etc. Does everyone think that this New person will be exempt from everyday life? Of course a new relationship is wonderful, you dont have the everyday grind yet, add that and see what happens.. So sick of the Grass is greener on the Other side, well it may be green now, but after time the drought will set in and the question is " Are you in it for the long haul, or will you move on to another pasture?


Hi, I do agree with your point. I honestly stopped hoping that I will jump to another relationship right away. I am just thinking whether I want to be married to my current husband or not. This is a risk, for me, this is a colossal risk.


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## LostOneForGood (Jun 4, 2012)

I am a spouse of a Walk Away Wife. We were best friends for 6 years before we got together, we have been together 6 years. we just bought a house 2 months ago, she dropped the "ILYBNILWY" two weeks after we moved in. We have been sleeping in separate rooms, etc. I know her to well, when her mind is made up, its done. I asked her, "Why did we buy this house if you didnt want to be with me? She says " I was hoping my feelings would change" After two weeks?? Anyway my point to this is, people give up too easily because they think their is more out there. 

I am her third marriage, she will be 34 this week. Every situation is different, but do you think that this new relationship will be the fairytale? I hate reality as much as the next person, but it is real, no matter what, things will go from exciting and new to, same ol same ol, but the thing is, it takes work, just like, your job, kids,bills, etc. Everything takes effort, is this worth the effort to save or not?


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