# Neediness vs. Having Needs - Going Beyond Harley



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Once again, as part of the ongoing discussion, the opportunity to learn beckons.

I've posted Willard Harley's list a few times of the things men often "miss"/lack in a LTR.

Sexual Fulfillment
Companionship
Attractiveness (lbs)
Domestic Support
Admiration

Yet, as part of my ongoing education, I'm learning (sometimes the hard way) that merely having these needs met is a bit more complicated than first blush.

A guy who wants sex 2 times/day - every day if possible to meet some inner "neediness" isn't justified by this list.

A guy who demands nightly activities to amuse himself isn't asking for "companionship". He's demanding too much.

A guy who gets upset when people don't shower him with praise doesn't lack for admiration... he lacks for self worth

Of course, when confronted with this list, the response of some women is to tell their husbands that they've read the Bible and blow-jobs aren't approved by God.

This is to provide a rough guide as to how to work with a man. Yet, if the man isn't emotionally healthy enough to realize that enough is as good as a feast? That man needs to work on himself.

The first law of manhood - according to MEM - "A man is allowed to have needs, but not to be needy"


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Conrad said:


> ...they've read the Bible and blow-jobs aren't approved by God.


Hadn't heard this one. Please stop giving them ideas!

Maybe God isn't a man after all...

To have a solid relationship, it takes two healthy partners. You don't have a good foundation if either is too needy or "weak".

How can I meet your needs if I can't even meet my own?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Hadn't heard this one. Please stop giving them ideas!
> 
> Maybe God isn't a man after all...
> 
> ...


NG,

I have to admit, I laughed out loud at that one.

But, I know the guy who has been shut down with that very excuse. And, he takes it. He's a - repeat after me - "nice guy"

Apparently, her group of church ladies decided this together. I suppose they can simply share the joy among all their families.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Even the devil can cite scripture for HER own purpose!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Hadn't heard this one. Please stop giving them ideas!
> 
> Maybe God isn't a man after all...
> 
> ...


It is true, religious people in the meetings harp on this issue quite a bit. 

But my husband calls this silly. He was brought up by strict rules. Once I was confused and started to feel guilty. My husband just calls all these ridiculous rules silly. He loves blow jobs so much, he won't give it up. He thinks we as responsible human being should know what is good for us and what is not. Don't let other people run our lives.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i dont know about you i like feeling needed and wanted and knowing i am the only one who can give you that feeling that high i need the same thing ps the marrital bed cannot be defiled between the union of these 2 people no animals or other persons anal oral dogy all good i am cath
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I must have won the marital lottery. My honest scoring of my W is below:

Sexual Fulfillment - A+
Companionship - A+
Attractiveness (lbs) - A
Domestic Support - A
Admiration - A

As for my needs:
- I need to be treated respectfully - and that includes showing respect for my short list of important "needs" like sex.
- I need to feel like I am a high priority and that anything I am dependent on her for - hmmm - actually that is mainly sex - is given a priority because it is important to me

That said - when I hit the "mute" button on my sexual desires you would think I am totally asexual. And I can tap that button at will when she is having a bad day/is tired/sick/etc. 

So my "need" for sex is mainly a need for her to make sex a high priority absent external factors that would impair a normal person. She doesn't manufacture artificial barriers to sex and I am infinitely patient when legitimate barriers occur. 

We just went on a short vacay - parents only. Constant sex. I could barely keep up. Now she has the flu - no sex - and I am in full blown eunuch emulation mode. 

I have needs, but am not needy. The "needy" person initiates sex with their partner even when it is clearly a bad situation. Or equally bad they pout, sulk and whine about how they aren't getting laid - even when it is not their spouses fault that "life" is getting in the way.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> I must have won the marital lottery. My honest scoring of my W is below:
> 
> MEM,
> 
> ...


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

So what happens when that list of needs you made is highly possible but both partners are used to them not being filled and somewhat resentful? Do you just start trying to fulfill them and hope your partner will follow?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Nekko said:


> So what happens when that list of needs you made is highly possible but both partners are used to them not being filled and somewhat resentful? Do you just start trying to fulfill them and hope your partner will follow?


Someone has to take the lead.

Women - biologically - prefer that it be the man.

Yet, it will be noticed, just as I notice every pot of coffee I don't have to make.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Conrad said:


> Someone has to take the lead.
> 
> Women - biologically - prefer that it be the man.
> 
> Yet, it will be noticed, just as I notice every pot of coffee I don't have to make.


Good to know. Thanks. While women prefer it be men that take the lead, how fun is it for men that women take the lead in these situations?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Nekko said:


> Good to know. Thanks. While women prefer it be men that take the lead, how fun is it for men that women take the lead in these situations?


Nekko,

Let's say I get home from work on a grueling Saturday and my wife is sitting there with tickets for the football game on Sunday and the steaks in the fridge for us to tailgate.

Do you think - for a minute - that might not be a good time for her to ask about our next possible vacation to the desination of her choice?


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