# I'm Going To Have A Breakdown...



## nycgogogirl (Aug 14, 2009)

I hardly know where to start with this one. I’m 46 and have been married 21 years now. We have 3 wonderful kids, boys are grown and girl is still a teen. I grew up in New York, and my family had a lot of money. My Mom is literally nuts, and remarried several times. I had some seriously messed up relationships myself from the time I was 15 to 25. I did some really far out things back then. When I met my husband overseas, he was such a breath of fresh air. He was working class, and so much fun. I got pregnant a couple months after meeting him, and we were married within 6 months. Good thing too, as we were blessed with twins! As the years went by, we did OK, and my family always helped out financially. We moved around between US and Europe a few times. I got pregnant again after 6 years in the midst of a really stupid spending bender I went on. I ended up trying to explain through tears to my husband why I tried to take a loan on the house. That’s how anxious I was for him to not find out about my “problem”. He forgave me, and I continued to run the household and bills. About 10 years ago we ended up where we are now. I tried to like it for a long time, and my husband was doing well in his job. I started shopping on the internet quite a bit, late at night. I got more and more credit offers, and before I knew it, I had hit the $50,000 mark. There was no way out but bankruptcy, and I was able to file alone, though we did have to take out a loan to cover a debt that was in both our names. So again, through tears, I had to admit I lost my grip. And again, for some insane reason he let me handle the bills again. It’s been 8 years since then, and my husband’s job fortune has waned. A couple of years ago they cut out his overtime, which we depended on. More recently they knocked the work back to a 4 day week. For the past 2 years he’s been playing poker on the internet all the time, thankfully not with real money. Still, he has cut himself off from me. Again I have run up credit debt, amounting to $23,000. It was equal parts family spending, and personal foolishness. Though I had every opportunity to attend college (with no loans!!!) when I was younger, I couldn’t focus and it made things impossible for me. I don’t know how much they knew about AADD back then, but no one ever recognized it in me. So as a result I have taken lots of horrible temp jobs over the years that I always end up leaving. I have had various bouts with depression and panic over the years, and I can’t seem to stay compliant with the meds. They almost always make me feel worse. Finally got a diagnosis of BiPolar II and AADD, but really haven’t shared it with my husband as he thinks all psychiatric issues are nonsense. So now is crunch time again, I have to tell him I screwed up again, and won’t even be able to file BK for another 8 months because of new laws. Can’t afford to keep paying debts, and collectors will be calling then. I can’t possibly see him not wanting a divorce, but the thing is, what if he doesn’t? I love him, but I honestly don’t think I want to be married to him anymore. I just can’t handle the stress and uncertainty anymore. More than that, I hooked up with an old boyfriend in NY a few months ago. My husband has met and knows him, but thinks he’s just my friend. When I say hooked up, I don’t mean slept with. I have never been unfaithful in 21 years of marriage. It’s just my friend and I understand each other, have things in common that I never will with my husband. Something is going on with us, but I can’t put a name to it. Back in March I booked a ticket to return to New York in September. I still haven’t told my husband I’m going but I feel like I have to, if nothing else to get some head space. Of course he’s going to want to know how I can do that when we’re waist deep in bills. I have all these things converging on me and I don’t know what to do. We just don’t have much of a marriage anymore but I am so dearly scared to end it. My husband is a pretty laid back guy, but I feel this could turn him mean. I’m just too nervous to have a confrontation about this, but it has to happen. I don’t know what to say or do. How can it be that I care about him deeply, yet I do not respect him and have so thoroughly ruined our life together? I have to end this but I’m scared of being thrown in the street, and no access to money (not that there’s that much to access). I spent an entire weekend having panic attacks recently.
I would be very appreciative to hear some thoughts about this, even if you’re going to tell me what a selfish jerk I am. The only people I have been able to talk to about this have no idea what to tell me to do. Where do I start? Thanks…


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

So you're mental, you have an addiction to spending money to the point of financial ruin on more than one occasion, you're a liar and at this point an emotional cheater...

I say go to NY, don't go back...leave him and the kids be, you're a disease for them...file for divorce or let him file. Then hook up with your buddy in NY and see what kind of ruination you can do there too.

Preacher
--the world is a cold harsh reality and I'm a blanket with holes.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

The thing is, you yourself have never had to sweat to make a living and have "EASY COME EASY GO MENTALITY"
Your the polar opposite of me ! haha

You never had to learn to make your own way, always depending on others. I gguess whats going to happen is your going to have to pay the piper now, at least until your parents pass away and hopefully they will have something left to leave you, but you'll blow that quickly too.
You never found your inner strength and who you are because you've had a life of people paying not only your way but supplying your whims. 
To be honest being on the street may do someone like you have described yoursrelf a world of good. Let happen what will happen, face your demons and for the first time learn to be accountable for your actions.

You may grow as a person more than you know.


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## nycgogogirl (Aug 14, 2009)

JDPreacher said:


> So you're mental, you have an addiction to spending money to the point of financial ruin on more than one occasion, you're a liar and at this point an emotional cheater...
> 
> I say go to NY, don't go back...leave him and the kids be, you're a disease for them...file for divorce or let him file. Then hook up with your buddy in NY and see what kind of ruination you can do there too.
> 
> ...


I agree I've done them wrong. But the children are all happy and healthy, and I will take credit for them ending up like that. I didn't let hired help bring up my kids like my parents did. My parents no longer have money, that's why I said I could end up on the street. If I am an "Emotional Cheater", it is with someone I have known for 30 years, and who was always there to listen, really listen. I suppose there's some kind of grace to be had for my husband sitting and playing poker for hours rather than be with his wife? Or that when he knew he couldn't trust my financial decisions, he still never bothered to check what was going on? The thing that you wouldn't get unless you really knew me, is that I really didn't mean to hurt anybody. Yes, my actions were toxic, and I can't take them back. And the lying at any rate is inexcusable. I've always had a kind of magical thinking going on that I can always fix these kind of stupidities. I guess not.


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## dontwanttobeme (Feb 24, 2009)

You are the female version of my DH. I'm sorry if I come off harsh, but ruining a hard working person's finances is just torture for them. I am on that side of it. I have given til I can't give anymore, looked the other way, gave second and third chances and I'm left with an empty bank account and anger. 

Your H is one hell of a peaceful man for giving you everything you have ever wanted and his biggest sin is online FAKE gambling??

From my perspective, you ruined the marriage long ago by disrespecting your H and his hard work. He may have given you all these chances, but it was probably because he was too scared to tell you and SHOW you (by leaving) how he really felt.

I hope you can get yourself into counseling. I am doing that, myself and it is eye opening. Good luck


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

You seem to be a self centered individual by defending your "friend" of 30 years and then blaming you h for fake online poker playing. What the heck did you smoke when you were young.

Preso is right, you didn't have to make it on your own. 

However, I do have sympathy for you. My guess, since nannies raised you is that you felt abandoned by your parents. In the place of love they bought for you. I saw this where I went to college with kids who "quote" had everything. Most of them were horribly self-centered and had the worst issues I've ever seen.


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## aurorazz (Aug 11, 2009)

Let's be a little kind. At least she has make a confession.


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## elizabeths (Aug 14, 2009)

I have a friend who is very much like you. Eerily, similar, actually.

I know it eats her up inside about the spending, debt, and emotional cheating. She is a really good person who turns to some self-destructive ways to make herself feel better.

We have talked so much about this. At first she thought she was depressed, but then the AADD diagnosis came and she felt much better after learning more about it. She is being treated for that and has made some excellent progress. She is starting to understand why she does what she does and how to handle it. She's not perfect but its coming along.

Her marriage is still difficult, but they are starting to work things out. She thought all was lost, but just recently, her husband gave her two dozen roses on their anniversary with a note telling her how deeply he loves her, even if he doesn't always show it. They have so much history and aren't willing to throw it away.

Have you lost respect for him because he keeps standing by you and letting you fail financially? That may be his way of showing you that he has faith in you. Are you upset because he seems to have turned to the online poker instead of spending time with you? Maybe he senses that you have turned to someone else for emotional support and feels like he has lost you.


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## nycgogogirl (Aug 14, 2009)

I have been getting counseling for years, yet it doesn't really help with the esteem issues that must be there. Yes, I have a problem with the fact that my husband didn't at least try to police me a bit. I know I'm supposed to be an adult, but he knows better than anyone I have "issues". Fact of the matter is that he doesn't want to deal with the bills because reality creeps in about just how close to the edge we are. He is a really good person, but if communication is a leading factor in a successful marriage, it is in woefully short supply here. Twenty years has gone by with barely an argument, and yet, at least arguments have passion, have communication. There is just an absence of so much really except companionship. I watched a major part of my life go by like that, and I am just so sad. A friend said I should write a letter about it all to him. And I'm talking about giving it to him, and handling the result, not leaving it for him and bugging off. I don't know, it still seems a bit chicken of me to do that. Any thoughts?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

OK. Are you being treated for your bipolar disorder with meds? 

Bipolar is one of the most difficult disorders (mental health) wise to treat. The things that you are doing are very indicative to someone with bipolar. Make sure that you are treating this disorder seriously. 

Yes. You need to fess up to your H. However, you do it (letter/in person) but do it. He deserves it. 

Now is the time to take care of business. Work on yourself. Get a job...help with the debt. Volunteer...help others. You will gain a whole new perspective when you stop being self centered.

Stop the EA with the guy! I don't care if he is Elmo and who've met him when you were 5. It doesn't make it right.

No justifications here. Just do it!


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## nycgogogirl (Aug 14, 2009)

Corpuswife said:


> OK. Are you being treated for your bipolar disorder with meds?
> 
> Bipolar is one of the most difficult disorders (mental health) wise to treat. The things that you are doing are very indicative to someone with bipolar. Make sure that you are treating this disorder seriously.
> 
> ...


I guess the answer is I was being treated, but the meds made me feel so awful I went off them. 3rd time this year, and didn't tell the doc yet. I seem to have a problem staying compliant with most things they give me. The only thing that worked in years, I ended up with a life threatening rash because of it! Anyway, I will go back to the doc and see what she can come up with. Sorry for turning this thing into a mental health post.I will come clean with him soon, I have to. But jeez this is going to be so painful. No matter how I feel or what I want, I don't know at a SOUL level that I can really effect the change needed. That's why I just didn't know if we were better off ended. As for the job, I've been looking for months,sending resumes daily. No one wants to talk to me cause they can see I'll leave in 3 months. It's funny, I always thought that was the definition of a temp job but them seem to use them more as trial-to-hire situations now. I'm at the point I have to look into other options. I appreciate your advice very much. Thank you.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I agree that bipolar is a very serious illness. The spending sprees are a symptom of bipolar. Please don't hide this from your husband or family and friends. It sounds like you need support and your husband is too clueless to help out. Bring him along on your next visit to your psychologist. 

Also, needless to say, end the emotional affair, and your husband should end his online gambling addiction.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It's often difficult to find the right medications/combinations/mg for bipolar patients. Many times it may take 1 month or so to see if they are working (to get full effect). Don't give up. You need a good doctor and stick with it.

If you aren't being treated for your illness, then you and your family are going to suffer. It will not get better. Reach out and get it. Don't wait. It may take your 3 different medications at 3 different mg levels. Some people make the mistake of "not liking the way they feel" on their meds. Sometime it just that the dosage needs to be lowered. Don't give up!

The things that you have described are symptoms of bipolar disorder.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

People with personality disorders and mental health issues often stop taking meds that keep them _stable_.

It sounds like to me you are looking for stimulation, which holds your attention. Some people, like you get it from spending money, and now you are getting it from having this relationship with this person from the past.

I have no doubt your kids are probably doing well, since you have been in their lives and trying to have a semblance of "order" through them. Now that the older ones are gone, and you are looking at the end of that "era" you are probably wondering where all this is going?

How long have you been communicating with this other person?

Does your dh just pretend like your issues do not exist or think they are minor, or going to go away? Have you been managing your issues alone, kind of muddling through?

I am sorry you have seen so much instability with your work history, and mental health. It is hard, I am sure.


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## nycgogogirl (Aug 14, 2009)

Sandy55 said:


> People with personality disorders and mental health issues often stop taking meds that keep them _stable_.
> 
> It sounds like to me you are looking for stimulation, which holds your attention. Some people, like you get it from spending money, and now you are getting it from having this relationship with this person from the past.
> 
> ...


I have been communicating with this man throughout the marriage, but it honestly was just as friends. It was only in the past year that I thought there might be something happening with us again. We have both pulled back a bit lately trying to see what direction we are going in. That we would end up together is far from a foregone conclusion. My husband knows I spend more than I should, but he doesn't want to know how much. I suppose he has his own stress and it's all he can do to handle that. Maybe that's why he sits playing cards so much. It started like 2 years ago when he lost his overtime. Lately he has been tossing and turning at night, and I can see there's something up with him. How do I go and pile this on him too? He's going to want to know, if I know I'm sick, why didn't I get the proper help? I did but it didn't work, or I didn't help it to work. Either he won't believe me,or he will and be absolutely appalled. He'll know I'm a wasted effort. Every time I've screwed up in life, someone forgave me. Maybe I just don't deserve it anymore. But my family certainly deserved better and I love them. How do you say sorry for being such a bad person? What will they learn from me now? I can never fix this, I can see that now.


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## MisterUnhappy (Aug 18, 2009)

I'm a newlywed, but you sound like my wife. 

If your husband loves you and won't leave you, then you are pretty lucky. However, your biggest fault seems to be that you aren't learning from your mistakes. When you screw up, you need to adjust your behaviors based on what you've learned from your experience. Take responsibility for your actions and the effects that it has on you and your loved ones. 

No one can fix your problems for you. Step back and read what you have written above. Read it like someone else wrote it. What would you say to that person? Would you sympathize or condemn their actions?

If you really love your husband and want to be together when your children start raising your grandchildren then you need to realize that change takes time. Just like it takes years for a child to become an adult. Change is always slow and needs to be taken step by step. Ask for support, but don't expect help to come along with it. Help is something you do for yourself.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

You said something to the effect of the "meds/treatments aren't helping, or you aren't helping them to work". You hit the nail on the head right there. My H, went thru a cycle very similar to this, albeit a lot shorter than the time you have been doing this to your H, and it was not spending, it was affairs. It took him a couple meds and a couple dosage adjustments, coupled with therapy...but he is a different person now. The big difference, is he hit his rock bottom, where he fully realized his behavior was destroying not only him, but everyone he loved...and he had to WANT to do the work rather than run away. It just does not sound like you are there yet..you still think running is an option, when all you will do is recreate the pattern you already have in place. You can run all of your life, or own up to your issues...REALLY own them...work HARD to fix them (and it is probably the HARDEST work you will ever do), and thank your H every day for being strong enough to stick with you. It's rare, but whats not rare is his wanting to escape to online poker, etc to get away from the chaos. When my H was at his worst, I looked forward to him being gone sometimes, even though I knew where he prolly was...simply because it was SO tiring to try to help him..and be hurt in the process. 
Please...get to your Doc, try a different med..and KEEP trying...and keep trying....


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## shelleyv (Aug 13, 2009)

If I were you, I would put an action plan together. Work out how much debt you have and put a plan in place to get it paid off. You made the debt, you need to be responsible for it. Own up to your husband, but at the same time, tell him what you have decided to do to fix it. Dont take the problem to him, take the solution. From now, until your entire debt has been paid off, you need to make a concious decision not to spend anymore. There is nothing worse than the burden of debt. The relief you will feel when its all paid off will be tremendous. Your husband sounds like he has ostrich syndrome. Put your head in the sand and hope your problems will go away. He is probably feeling worthless himself because of the work situation, perhaps he even feels he has let you down. Maybe him not paying more attention to the bills is his way of pretending the problem is not there. If they dont acknowledge something, they dont have to deal with it. Its probably time for a good old fashioned sit down and be brutally honest with each other. Do you still love him? Does he still love you? If so, then tell him what you need to make things work. Find out what it is he needs also. For the sake of your children - and you might think they are happy and healthy but believe me kids have a way of hiding their emotions too - try as hard as you can to make your marriage work. If it doesnt, then at least you know in your heart you did everything you could to save it. But you cant run away from the bills, you need to pay them and you need to stop spending unecessarily. Ask yourself each time, do I really need this, can we afford it? You cant have the attitude that you have ruined your family already and its too late. Take action now and makes things right. You owe it to yourself, your husband and your children. Good luck.


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## nycgogogirl (Aug 14, 2009)

shelleyv said:


> If I were you, I would put an action plan together. Work out how much debt you have and put a plan in place to get it paid off. You made the debt, you need to be responsible for it. Own up to your husband, but at the same time, tell him what you have decided to do to fix it. Dont take the problem to him, take the solution. From now, until your entire debt has been paid off, you need to make a concious decision not to spend anymore. There is nothing worse than the burden of debt. The relief you will feel when its all paid off will be tremendous. Your husband sounds like he has ostrich syndrome. Put your head in the sand and hope your problems will go away. He is probably feeling worthless himself because of the work situation, perhaps he even feels he has let you down. Maybe him not paying more attention to the bills is his way of pretending the problem is not there. If they dont acknowledge something, they dont have to deal with it. Its probably time for a good old fashioned sit down and be brutally honest with each other. Do you still love him? Does he still love you? If so, then tell him what you need to make things work. Find out what it is he needs also. For the sake of your children - and you might think they are happy and healthy but believe me kids have a way of hiding their emotions too - try as hard as you can to make your marriage work. If it doesnt, then at least you know in your heart you did everything you could to save it. But you cant run away from the bills, you need to pay them and you need to stop spending unecessarily. Ask yourself each time, do I really need this, can we afford it? You cant have the attitude that you have ruined your family already and its too late. Take action now and makes things right. You owe it to yourself, your husband and your children. Good luck.


I did go to my shrink today and got a new med, Geodon. I am hoping I can calm down enough in the next few days to finally say something. My brother reminded me today that I was already stressing about this 2 years ago when I visited him. The dam has just worn too thin. I know I should try to take responsibility for this debt, though I feel it's completely insurmountable. But I do realise that's not an excuse to not even try. Things just came too easy for so long, and now every single thing is a little war to fight. I'm so tired. Fate or fault,I suppose what goes around comes around.


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## nycgogogirl (Aug 14, 2009)

I told him tonight. He doesn't want to hear anything about the bipolar. He thinks it's just a bunch of quacks giving me bad advice and bad medicine. He says I have to get whatever job I can, stop paying the bills till then, and go to debt consolidation for the good of the family. He has no idea what a mess I am. He says he doesn't know what else to say. He made a drink, played poker for 3 hours, and bummed a sleeping pill. Does this sound like love?


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

I think the fact your not ready to accept what you are doing is enough of a reason to leave. Confessing but not addressing the problem is no good. Saing what your doing wrong and changing it are 2 different things. So your coming clean. What are you doing to change the behaviour?? My guess is nothing. What you should do is leave. Take an extended vacation. Think about your priorities and then when you come back have a plan.. Whether thats to work on your marriage or splitting up to go with this other person..


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

Every day is a new beginning. You can't necessarily fix the past, but you can make a better future. The best way to make it up to your family is to step up to the plate. Take responsibility.

There is still hope for you marriage, although I don't really know if you want that or not.

A lot of medications for bipolar are accumulative. Meaning you have to be on them consistantly for a while for them to start working properly. You also have to be in contact with your doctor so they can assess if you are on the right medication and the right dosage. My brother found out he was bipolar when he was 35. Once they found the right treatment for him, he said it's the best thing that ever happened to him. Up until then, he'd done a lot of damage to the people around him. He is a much better person now.

You turned to spending to fill a void. Your husband is doing the same with online poker. If you both sit down and talk about this.....really talk....then you may figure out a way to resolve the situation and work on your marriage. If you both want to. But you need to give up the old boyfriend, and he needs to give up the poker. And quit blaming your husband to justify your actions.

Its time for you to step up and be a big girl now. Get your mental health issues taken care of first. Then go out and get a job. Quit looking for temp jobs! Go work at McDonalds if you have to! There is no shame in bringing home an honest day's pay!

Take responsibility for yourself, your health, your bills. I know it could be tough, but it will also be very empowering and fulfilling. Quit being lazy and waiting for something to happen to fix every thing for you.....do it yourself. You'll become a better person.

As for your hubby, who knows what will happen there, but you need to make an effort. I really don't think you see his side of all this. He's been through a lot. It's time to pay your debts, not run away from them. Good luck to you.


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## nycgogogirl (Aug 14, 2009)

I am trying to find a job, but I am having horrible luck with it. I've tried trimming my resume so that even if I look inexperienced, it's better than looking like a short term flake. I never had a problem before. I think a lot of people are taking whatever jobs because they have to. So I'm sure they have a much broader field of applicants than silly me. But that doesn't mean I've given up. I really do understand what I did was horribly wrong. That is why despite trying to avoid like crazy telling him, I finally did. I sat in a parking lot last night talking to my best friend shaking and babbling god knows what into the phone. She wanted me to call 911 and get help, but I said I can't do this to him too and I pulled it together to get home. Maybe this was an unburdening, but it was also the right thing done way too late. I really wish I could leave for a while, but I can't swing it. Neither can he, so we just sit avoiding each other, waitimg for whatever comes next. It's like because I've wronged him, I don't have permission to be unhappy with us. Just because I screwed up doesn't mean I wouldn't do anything to undo what I did. But just for what it's worth, you can truly love someone, and still be very unhappy with them. Maybe that's how he feels too.


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

Ive got a friend of mine who is certified bi-polar obsessive compulsive. He medicates himself with marijuana. Dont know if it would work for you or not, but it works for him. 




John


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