# My husband is a serial cheater



## jessicag (May 24, 2015)

We have been married for 12 years (tomorrow is our anniversary) and have 2 kids, 2 cars, 2 good careers, 2 dogs, a big house...the American dream. Everyone thought we had this perfect life, including me. I was happy. But apparently he wasn't. 
I found out in February that my husband relapsed into his pornography addiction for the last 8 years after having stopped for a couple of years. We were doing IC/MC and going to 12-step meetings. Spending a lot of time, money, and effort on recovering and moving forward. 
Well, I always felt like there was more to the story (I asked over and over, our marriage counselor asked, our pastor asked, his therapist asked) and just yesterday I found out my intuition was right. He had been lying on top of lies.
He has had 15 affairs over the last 7 years...strangers he would place ads for on craigslist. They would chat, sext, write erotic stories, and meet at public places, their house, our house, his job and have sex. This would go on for a several months with each woman then he would move on. He shared that some were heavy, tattooed, smokers, and of other ethnicities. Now mind you this is a straight-laced, white collar guy who is against tattoos, drugs (but apparently not against lies and cheating), and is fit. Apparently some women also had STDs that they shared with him and he now has shared with me! He admits now that the grass wasn't greener on the other side (he had it good, I'm beautiful, smart, loving, have a good career and earn a good living, we work together to cook, clean, shop, talk, care for the kids etc.). 
We have wasted our time and money and energy in therapy for the last 3 1/2 months only to find out about all of this now! He is a serial cheater and a pathological liar. 
I have kicked him out and am just trying to figure out where to go from here. When I first found out the answer seemed crystal clear-LEAVE and don't look back! But, with the kids, our love, the life we've built it's so difficult. I do still feel love and compassion towards him. But I also feel a lot of anger, resentment, and hatred. But, he is sick and he needs help. However, it's not me that needs to help him with that. He has to want it and be strong enough on his own to do it. I did not cause and couldn't not control his past addictive sexual behaviors and I cannot control him from relapsing into it again. 
I have to focus on myself, my kids and do what is right for me first. One day at a time.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

jessicag said:


> We have been married for 12 years (tomorrow is our anniversary) and have 2 kids, 2 cars, 2 good careers, 2 dogs, a big house...the American dream. Everyone thought we had this perfect life, including me. I was happy. But apparently he wasn't.
> I found out in February that my husband relapsed into his pornography addiction for the last 8 years after having stopped for a couple of years. We were doing IC/MC and going to 12-step meetings. Spending a lot of time, money, and effort on recovering and moving forward.
> Well, I always felt like there was more to the story (I asked over and over, our marriage counselor asked, our pastor asked, his therapist asked) and just yesterday I found out my intuition was right. He had been lying on top of lies.
> He has had 15 affairs over the last 7 years...strangers he would place ads for on craigslist. They would chat, sext, write erotic stories, and meet at public places, their house, our house, his job and have sex. This would go on for a several months with each woman then he would move on. He shared that some were heavy, tattooed, smokers, and of other ethnicities. Now mind you this is a straight-laced, white collar guy who is against tattoos, drugs (but apparently not against lies and cheating), and is fit. Apparently some women also had STDs that they shared with him and he now has shared with me! He admits now that the grass wasn't greener on the other side (he had it good, I'm beautiful, smart, loving, have a good career and earn a good living, we work together to cook, clean, shop, talk, care for the kids etc.).
> ...



Thats awful, sorry you are going through this. 

I can personally relate to the betrayal, lies and manipulation. It sounds like he came "clean" on his own and what you will find on TAM that most of us, Betrayed spouses, are raging about how we had to find out each lie on our own by surveillance, intelligence and deduction, and the greatest hurt was the continued willingness to lie until caught red handed. I explain this only to point out that your situation seems different and by that it is perhaps more hopeful than many of our stories. 

No one can really tell whats best for you. For some any betrayal, regardless of what level of contrition ends the marriage. Others of us seem to tolerate a Promethium like torture where the lies and affairs have to consume our innards out for years before we get a clue that it we will never be happy in the marriage.

I can tell you that the future of your marriage hinges on two things: You willingness to forgive him and his ability to convince you that he can once again be trusted.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

It really p*sses me off jessicag what you have told us here. Like many reading your words I have been in your shoes. It brings it all back and frankly I'm just plain angry. To think what you have put up - you presented yourself to this other person years back - gave it your all, put everything you have out there and you get treated like that. Frankly I don't give a toss about his addictions or whatever - I am over the sympathy card for the perpetrators. And yet I can see where you are coming from. Of course you don't want to throw it all away, of course you want to examine whatever possibility there is to rebuild. But let me say this - the POS lowlife who was getting it on with my ex had a wife who was complicit in his behavior. I eventually learned that she was a part of the problem. He was serial cheat and she turned a blind eye to it. The maintenance of lifestyle and the public pretence was more valuable than her self respect. Don't end up like her jessicag.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Not good husband material. I don't think. You should take him back. Why wreck your whole life? Better to,stay in IC and move past this. 

From what you write, I think you should stay away from this mess. Focus on something you can have an impact on like your kids.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sue him for giving you the STDS.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I have been in your shoes as well (Craigslist hook-up). After about a year and a half of trying to work things out, I ended up filing for divorce because I just could not forgive him. Fast forward a few years, and I did forgive him. We reconciled. Now we're splitting up again because he decided he just doesn't want me. 

Men like this will not change. My advice to you is get out now, and do not look back.

I'm so sorry he shared disease with you . I agree with MattMatt....look into suing him for that.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Where do you go from here? The attorney's office.

Sorry you are here. In my opinion you will never be able to trust him again, do I wouldn't bother trying.

Have you been to the doctor?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

As with others, I've been there too. Sad isn't it. I also have to say that porn-addiction is BS. Is it a compulsion. But as with any mental health issue, your H needs treatment. That is his responsibility. He's been lying to you and his health care professionals. That is on him. It is not an excuse for his reprehensible treatment of you and the family. He remains responsible for every betrayal and vice.

Any addiction makes it difficult to maintain a relationship. The most you can hope for is that the person dealing with it will get help. You thought he was. He wasn't. People with addictions/compulsions lie. He might overcome his, he might not. And that doesn't really matter, because now its about you.

You say you love him. I understand why you are still saying those words. But please consider deeply, why you are giving your love to a man who has no respect for you or your family. Why do you feel that is all you are worth? I think you're worth so much more than that. You cannot say he loves you because his actions speak differently. When the words and the actions conflict, look at the actions.

You say you don't want to give up the life you've built? Isn't that life based on a bunch of lies? You might have to give up some of your financial security in a divorce. The kids will have two households. Neither or which is the end of the world. 

Unless you are willing to walk away from the marriage, your H may never appreciate the pain he has caused and the level of his betrayal, and may never really be willing to do the hard work to stop his repeated betrayals.


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

Nasty fook raw doggen a55hole, how can he respect you and your marriage when he does not respect himself and his own health 

I hope you can cut this manw4ore out of your life and get your health back mind body and soul 

I will never understand cheaters much less a55clowns that do it unprotected but I guess it fits with the self destructive all about me behavior


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

dash74 said:


> Nasty fook raw doggen a55hole, how can he respect you and your marriage when he does not respect himself and his own health
> 
> I hope you can cut this manw4ore out of your life and get your health back mind body and soul
> 
> *I will never understand cheaters much less a55clowns that do it unprotected but I guess it fits with the self destructive all about me behavior*


When my ex did it with a CL *****, he INSISTED on no condoms. And, he never even saw her photo before meeting her. I read the entire chat transcript, including his request of how she be "groomed" down there....


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

jessicag said:


> We have been married for 12 years (tomorrow is our anniversary) and have 2 kids, 2 cars, 2 good careers, 2 dogs, a big house...the American dream. Everyone thought we had this perfect life, including me. I was happy. But apparently he wasn't.
> I found out in February that my husband relapsed into his pornography addiction for the last 8 years after having stopped for a couple of years. We were doing IC/MC and going to 12-step meetings. Spending a lot of time, money, and effort on recovering and moving forward.
> Well, I always felt like there was more to the story (I asked over and over, our marriage counselor asked, our pastor asked, his therapist asked) and just yesterday I found out my intuition was right. He had been lying on top of lies.
> He has had 15 affairs over the last 7 years...strangers he would place ads for on craigslist. They would chat, sext, write erotic stories, and meet at public places, their house, our house, his job and have sex. This would go on for a several months with each woman then he would move on. He shared that some were heavy, tattooed, smokers, and of other ethnicities. Now mind you this is a straight-laced, white collar guy who is against tattoos, drugs (but apparently not against lies and cheating), and is fit. Apparently some women also had STDs that they shared with him and he now has shared with me! He admits now that the grass wasn't greener on the other side (he had it good, I'm beautiful, smart, loving, have a good career and earn a good living, we work together to cook, clean, shop, talk, care for the kids etc.).
> ...


My personal opinion is that, no matter how painful, you have done the right thing. Stay the course. Follow up with a divorce and seek happiness away from this man. He is an addict and I think I can guarantee you this will never change. You and the kids deserve better.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I'm very sorry to hear that you're going through this. You must feel like you don't even know the person you're with. And you don't. He has a dark side he never let you in on. He clearly likes the rush of cheap sex and setting up conquests and liaisons. Honestly, he sounds like a POS and someone who puts on a good act for others. Many sociopaths are appear straight-laced and anti-this and that. They're quite aware of the facade they need to maintain in order to lead their double life. He's very sick and yes he needs help. Tell him you hope he gets it but you won't be his crutch. Pray for him but protect yourself and your children.


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## jessicag (May 24, 2015)

PhillyGuy13-Yes I have been to the doctor. That's how I know. I'm on treatment. But, now this is something I'll have to carry into every future relationship and my effect my ability to have sexual relationships with others.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

jessicag, you sound like a wonderful person with a great head on your shoulders. You are already doing so much better than I was so shortly after finding out about my STBXH's cheating.

As others have said, you're doing the right thing by kicking him out and focusing on yourself and your kids from the beginning. I wish I had done that - I lived in Limbo for three months allowing my STBXH to continue living with our son and me while he, without remorse, continued on with his affair. He finally left me for her earlier this month. (And she is heavy and has tattoos - probably a closet smoker, too - he is a fitness fanatic - it's stupefying, really.)

Keep taking good and gentle care of yourself and your kids. I'm also with the others that, while I understand holding on to the love you have in your heart for someone you've been with for so long, he likely isn't going to change - especially considering you've both invested so much time, money, and energy into trying to do that and he still has failed.

You sound very strong. I was not as strong as you already are in the beginning, but I fought to keep myself healthy and sane, and have come out the other side an even better version of myself than I was before. I think a year from now, we'll both wonder what took us so long to get away from these toxic sociopaths we thought we knew.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You're going to have to ride the pain train for a while as you adjust to this new reality. It will get better, though, especially with a man like this, who has treated you with such disrespect. Your loss of respect for him is assured & that fact means that you will be over him soon enough. You won't be over the feeling that you lost years to this man or that he will be in your life because of your children, but you will be over *him*. I will even go so far as to say that you will pity him and wonder how you didn't see how pathetic he really is inside (don't beat yourself up about this - serial cheats are masters of deception).

Don't give in to the confusion that mistakenly tells you that you still love him. That is residual feeling borne of habit. Give yourself some time - really even just a month more may be enough - and you will see how quickly those residual love feelings disappear. In the interim, don't agree to any form of reconciliation. You really will be completely done with him and will have no interest in reconciliation. Even if he could change, you will still be done with him.

I'm very sorry for your pain. People like your WH have no business getting married. They are too selfish for words.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

jessicag said:


> PhillyGuy13-Yes I have been to the doctor. That's how I know. I'm on treatment. But, now this is something I'll have to carry into every future relationship and my effect my ability to have sexual relationships with others.


Terrible. I'm so sorry. The [email protected] didn't even think protection was important when sleeping with Craigslist hookers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

jessicag,

I understand the "mitigating factors" involved but do you really want to be constantly sleeping with one eye opened looking at your POSWH, going to the doctor every couple of months to have yourself checked out for STD/STIs, or be in a warden/inmate relationship "'til death do us part"?

Your recovery from this gargantuan betrayal, comes first. So lawyer up.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Wait you gave you something permenant? Oh goodness I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's like your being punished for being faithful. Being with a cheater is one thing but being with a serial cheater is a WHOLE other thing. My ex was a serial cheater, mind you we didn't have kids but I understand and feel your pain. 

The sad thing about this situation is that since he sounds like someone who has a number of issues and lying being one of them if he has lied all this time the question is how can you trust someone who was not being 100% forthcoming during therapy? And it's not one lie but years and years of lying, truth be told if it wasn't for the STD thing he would have kept doing this, that is the hardest truth of all. When I realized that he wasn't going to stop that this is his TRUE nature I left. I don't have any answers for you, my gut tells me you need to leave him, but I truely understand that is easier said than done. Get out, you deserve better, your kids deserve better, don't settle. If you do take him back you have to worry about everytime he gets on a computer, watches tv, or even leave the house, it is one thing to be a cheater but to be a cheater and have a sexual addiction=GET OUT. I really wish you and your family all the best.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
This saddens me deeply. There are so many that would have traded places with your H in an instant and yet he squandered it away without a thought. The sad truth is that he is simply too immature to be in a monogamous relationship. His underdeveloped intellect hasn't the resources and strength necessary to control his instincts. He wants, he gets, whatever the cost to himself and others. I regret saying this but the chances of him coming to a realization that his life with you is what is most important and in his best interest as well is practically zero.

I am and have been, a strong advocate for marriages staying together but after months of counseling, both individually and as a couple, seven years of lies and deceit and his inability to speak the truth to you, his clergy, counselors and therapist, his intent seems crystal clear. Add to that his blatant disregard for your health and the future of his children should the two of you fall sick from his escapades and I cannot, in good conscience, recommend R with him. You deserve much more and so do your children.

He has already put you in a very compromising position with the gift he imparted to you and I fear, given the chance, he would repeat his indiscretions with the same reckless abandon. He simply does not have the mental wherewithal to do better. Short of a revelation of Biblical proportions, I fear he is destined to continue on in his folly and that is very damaging to a family. I believe it is time to move ahead for your sake and the sake of your children and leave him to his own devices. Whatever you decide I wish you good fortune.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Wow, so sorry you are here. Your story is similar to mine. I am divorcing. 

We don't need this crap, that's all I have for you, sorry.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Your husband does not deserve you.

You do not need this

I believe strongly in marriage but you are not a doormat

Leave him.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

It's amazing that this has happened to so many of us. Your story is exactly like mine down to the STD. Really makes me so upset.

Run like the wind because he won't change. Does his job have a moral turpitude clause in it? If it does you have him over a barrel. PM is you would like.


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## Imstrong123 (May 18, 2013)

Im so sorry you are going through this. My story is extremely similar, I found out three years ago. I stayed. Now, I think you need to separate until he has completely stopped the behavior and can probe it. Then he needs to check into a residential treatment for sex addiction. This is a real addiction, don´t listen to people who say it isn´t. He didn´t do this to hurt you, didn´t do it because of you or something that was missing in your relationship. This is something he did because of a childhood trauma that he needs to address and face, something you probably don´t know and he probably has been in denial about. IF he does ALL that he needs to do, stop, check into rehab, go to meetings afterwards, go to MC, and pass several lie detector tests...then you might consider allowing him back into your life, even your house...but not before all that happens, which could very well last several months. He needs limits, he needs to know you won´t put up with this one more day, and he needs to make the decision to get well and be worthy of his family, or go his way, away from all of you. But you can´t mke these decisions for him, he needs to find the answers himself. All I can tell you is for you to go get therapy right now, undestand it is NOT your fault, and not talk to him until he made these decisions. In my case, I 
didn´t accept ANY slips, and I told my H that slips were not going to be allowed, he had 8 years of countless slips, so I would not allow ONE once we made the decision to stay together. I told him I would NEVER EVER go through this again, at that moment he said:"ultimatums aren´t good you know" and I told him that he wasn´t listening, the ultimatum was for ME...I AM not going ever through this again...he could do whatever he wanted. He was surprised but got it. So be strong, take care of yourself, get to therapy, cry, call your friends, family, but please try not to show this pain in front of your children, try to avoid them finding out what happened..it would only bring them pain, there´s nothing they can do about this. And he loves them, and he loves you....I know it sounds incredible but this is how this works. Is crazy, painful, leaves you scarred forever, and you never asked for this, you did all the right things...but for some reason you are here, maybe to help this man, this poor man that is completely lost. Finally, please put some space between you, ask him to leave and to start his treatment, his therapy, and once is well under way, you can talk again. But for now disengage, and focus on yourself and your kids. He will either do everything he can to get back with you or he won´t. You will wait and accept whatever comes, good or bad, you need to be ready. The good (he went to therapy and comes back) will be DIFFICULT, very difficult, but not as painful as a divorce. Either way, you changed, he changed, and you just need to accept it. Good luck from the bottom of my heart.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Whaaaat. He gave you> a permanent STD. What an azzhat.

Just felt the need to add that. Also I hope that you are leaving his sorry butt.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jessicag said:


> PhillyGuy13-Yes I have been to the doctor. That's how I know. I'm on treatment. But, now this is something I'll have to carry into every future relationship and my effect my ability to have sexual relationships with others.


I hope to God you aren't taking him back. 

THERE IS NO LOVE HERE. Not on his side. 

You were a means to an end. A convenience. Just part of his life that made HIM feel good. I hope you see that.

And PLEASE know that having an STD is NOT a valid reason to stay with him.


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## CTPlay (Apr 26, 2015)

Contact your lawyer, see if there is any legal compensation for this.


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

So sorry you are going through this. Your story has similarities to mine (posted in 2012). I was days away from a divorce but I landed in the hopital for 10 days with a ruptured intestine June 2103. My husband took me to the ER was by my side the whole time. He told me he loves me and wanted to reconcile. Dummy me I believed him and thought he could change. 

Sex addicted serial cheaters rarely change. They get a high from it like nothing else. The may try to stop but the urge eventually comes back. 

The past 2 years have been hell for me. I had no trust and really no reason to. He never stopped cheating jut got better at it. I was the one rug sweeping but I am not living like this any more. I filed for divorce 2 weeks ago and I am not looking back. Believe me the pain you feel the 2nd time around is worse than the 1st. 

You deserve better and so do your kids. I have 3 daughters and a son and I refuse to let them see a worried, sad, depressed, angry mother and your children shouldn't either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Jessicag,
Wonder how you are holding up? We are here for you.


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