# My wife fell in love with another man



## Daniel Trombetta (May 22, 2017)

I have been with my wife for 9 years. During our marriage, I have treated her badly calling her names and yelling at her. In the last few years I've noticed that she's been feeling lonely and bored at home with the kids and she started excessive time on social media. Recently she had the opportunity to work in a field that she has always wanted to and I pushed her into trying it out, thinking it would help give her an outlet. At work, she made a friend that seemed like it meant something more to her. We've been talking about our marriage lately trying to get everything out in the open. I asked her if she was having doubts because she has fallen in love with somebody else and she admitted she loves her coworker. They have each expressed it to one another, but neither has acted on it yet. My wife told me she doesn't know if things can be fixed, but she doesn't want to just give up. I'm worried she's just trying to keep me and the kids happy and I feel selfish that I don't want to let go.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Calling someone names does not break bones. Nasty words do break apart marriages.

Your past words have given her cause....

Cause to find a new, "friendly feller". One who listens to her. Is kind to her.

And you know something? Maybe he is "kind" to her.

The "kind" that a women needs at home.

Right now, we know that she is in an emotional affair. They like and "maybe" love each other. 

Her? Oh yeah. She is getting her emotional fix from this dude.
Him, the other man? OM? He likes her. And he is getting ready.

Getting ready to penetrate her final barrier. Maybe he has. We don't know.

You need to nip OM's penis in the bud.

She needs to quit her job, immediately. 

Tell her that she already has a man that loves her. She only gets one...and that better be you.

Do not, do not go lightly on your actions. Move fast.

Do not argue this on TAM. YOU will lose.

Go to the "Coping with Infidelity" section on TAM. Read about other men who have gone through this.

You will see that those men who were weak and tried to shoulder all the blame lost their wife. 

If you try to smooth this over you will prove to her that you DO NOT love her at all costs. 

Tell her that you will not share her with another man.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

If you both want to try to make it work you need to get into marriage counseling immediately. Also, she has to change jobs because continued contact with a man she says she has feelings for, even if she says they have not acted on it, will not work. If she remains working where she does with this man your marriage is doomed. She cannot flip a switch and cut off her love for him. If it is not physical already - it soon will be now that she has admitted to you how she feels.

If OM is married, contact his wife - she deserves to know.


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## Aurelie (Jan 23, 2017)

You aren't meeting her emotional needs and another man came along who did. If he hadn't already, he will turn the affair physical. 

Your wife will have to find a new job, if you are serious about saving your marriage and treating her right. I'd recommend going into IC first, to find out if you are even capable of change or if you are just jealous. Don't let this be a "I don't want her but I don't want anyone else to have her" scenario.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Aurelie said:


> You aren't meeting her emotional needs and another man came along who did. If he hadn't already, he will turn the affair physical.
> 
> Your wife will have to find a new job, if you are serious about saving your marriage and treating her right. I'd recommend going into IC first, to find out if you are even capable of change or if you are just jealous. Don't let this be a "I don't want her but *I don't want anyone else to have her"* scenario.


Good Advice..

Aurelie....I love your Avatar.

I take words to heart and to chest.

..................................................................................................................................

For OP:

*"I don't want anyone else to have her."* Please take this to mind.

Press your forehead onto hers. Look deep in her eyes. 

Tell her that: "You do not want to lose her. But you will not sit idly by while some other man is stealing my wife".

She needs to get her poop out the door or get off the "pot luck" affair.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*MC can work here! But it's going to take 200% participation on both of your parts! Execute "the 180" immediately if she is not in any way receptive to going! And hastily schedule yourself an IC session!

Absence of even trying MC means that you'd be doing yourself far more good having your legal rights properly assessed over in a family attorneys office!*


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

I agree with Arb. You are going to have to do several things at once and that is hard. First, you need to change your standard behavior. An IC can probably help with that. But until you do change, you are only driving her away.

While you are working on change and treating your wife better, you have to convince her that she has to have a clean break with the OM. The best way is for her to change jobs, but that is a big thing to ask after you encouraged her to seek an outside job. So if she won't change jobs (and why should she, she may in the end leave you) the next best thing is to try to be more interesting and more romantic than he is. That's very hard.

There are no sure-fire methods to get her back. You cannot make up her mind for her. But you can become a better man so that even if you and she do divorce, you will be better off for it.

Sorry that I cannot be more helpful, but the only person you can change is you.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Daniel Trombetta said:


> I asked her if she was having doubts because she has fallen in love with somebody else and she admitted she loves her coworker. They have each expressed it to one another, but neither has acted on it yet.


Friend, you shouldn't take for granted this hasn't turned physical.

If she's at the point where she is professing love for him, and they've had the opportunity to meet up at work (before, during or after); the odds are this is a PA. Sorry, but that's just the way cheating usually works. And cheaters almost never admit to what they think you don't know.

You should check her cell phone records to see how long this has been going on and how often they contact each other before/after work. Then compare against her cell phone for deleted texts. She most likely has deleted them but you might be lucky and find some.

Finally, if you want to consider R; she must quit her job. Not later, but now.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

I agree with what the others have stated in regards to saving your marriage. 

1. Her job has to go because she messed that up by giving her heart and attention to a howorker instead of focusing on her job she truly was excited to have.

2. Counseling is a must; if she refuses to go, that is a sign that she is not invested in saving the marriage at all and she gave you a different version of the speech. She is done with the marriage and the 180 from you is a must as well as seeking counsel in a bad ass lawyer like Arb stated.

3. Date each other again and win her back. You can't change the past, but boy can you take advantage of the new and improved marriage you two could have if it is in the cards.

4. whichever way this goes for you, IC is a must!


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

The old "we have not done anything about it yet." I have used that line and had it used on me before. It comes before the serving of the divorce papers or separation. It is used to let you down slowly so you are not blindsided when it comes. Think about it. Why would anyone tell their spouse that they love someone else unless? What purpose would it serve other than perhaps get them to be the one to ask for the divorce. Hey hon, I love someone else so pretend that I do not, and let's carry on with our marriage. Once in love you cannot will love away. Perhaps it is a threat so that your husband can undergo a personality change. Whatever it is, it is usually not true and does not bode well for the future.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Daniel Trombetta said:


> I have been with my wife for 9 years. During our marriage, I have treated her badly calling her names and yelling at her.


If you kick a dog enough eventually the dog will chew your leg off or run away. 

I'm not saying you deserved being cheated on, but you do deserve her divorcing you. I'd let her go if I were you. 

I have little tolerance or empathy for abusers.

Give her a fair divorce and then get into intensive counseling and fix yourself. Oh... and grow up.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Calling someone names does not break bones. Nasty words do break apart marriages.
> 
> Your past words have given her cause....
> 
> ...


You want the OP to circumcise the OM using pruning shears?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Daniel Trombetta said:


> I have been with my wife for 9 years. During our marriage, I have treated her badly calling her names and yelling at her. In the last few years I've noticed that she's been feeling lonely and bored at home with the kids and she started excessive time on social media. Recently she had the opportunity to work in a field that she has always wanted to and I pushed her into trying it out, thinking it would help give her an outlet. At work, she made a friend that seemed like it meant something more to her. We've been talking about our marriage lately trying to get everything out in the open. I asked her if she was having doubts because she has fallen in love with somebody else and she admitted she loves her coworker. They have each expressed it to one another, but neither has acted on it yet. My wife told me she doesn't know if things can be fixed, but she doesn't want to just give up. I'm worried she's just trying to keep me and the kids happy and I feel selfish that I don't want to let go.


Has she complained about your behavior in the past? How was the overall state of your marriage before she started working? 

Odds are you haven't gotten the full story of her "falling in love" with this other guy and it's probably gone physical. Is she willing to break off contact with him? Unless she is you have no shot at saving your marriage.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Get her phone when shes not aware and block his number now.
That will keep her from texting him and rekindling.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Bibi1031 said:


> 1. Her job has to go because she messed that up by giving her heart and attention to a* howorker* instead of focusing on her job she truly was excited to have.


My, My Bibi!

Your typo is a Freudian *slip.*

Not as pretty as yours under your Sunday's Best.

I never miss little things....run headlong into brick walls. Especially, those walls with Kilroy hanging over the edge. The long nose and finger exposure.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

SunCMars said:


> Your typo is a Freudian *slip.*


No slip. I stopped wearing those under my dresses and skirts, well never really. Just like I didn't slip then, I didn't slip now either:x


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

OP, with your verbal abuse, you've set your hurdle all the more higher for remediation. And if that behavior has continued, you may have dealt enough damage to your marriage where fixing it will be near impossible. But don't let that discourage you; act now!

My advice (echoing others): 
1) Stop the verbal abuse
2) Apologize profusely to your wife for your share of the problem (and mean it)
3) Get your wife to quit that job, and unfriend OM on social media
4) Get to marriage counseling with your wife; work on communication and conflict resolution
5) Get to independent counseling (if your slinging insults and yelling, that's anger and you need to rein that it)
6) Rekindle fires in your marriage; plan time each week and every week with the wife; show her your love and go beyond just words

If 1-6 aren't working, you may have done so much damage it's hard to restore your marriage to a healthy state, where there's love, trust, and goodness. But you won't know if it's that bad until you try. Good luck!


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

You hear a lot on this site about, "You can start to save your marriage by squelching the OM". I submit such action my get the OM gone, (and perhaps you in jail or a defendant in a law suit) but it won't save your marriage. Like it or not, you're going to shoulder the responsibility for her seeking what she needs. Chances are its already too late since her interest in you has fallen to an all time low and the OM has showed her what it like to be appreciated. Why shouldn't she respond to him? Just because she's married to you who, by your own admission, treats her like crap? Women don't gee haw to believing because she married some cat, she's obligated and commented to take his abuse. (unless she's crazy) 
Here's the key points

-She was vulnerable to a relationship with another man because you are a poor, abusive husband.
-The other man treats her much better than you do.
-She started thinking, "My new beau appreciates me way more and likes me just the way I am. My so called husband will never be satisfied."
-She concludes, "Why should I continue to give myself to someone who is miserable and makes me miserable when I got someone who actually likes me. Do I really want to settle for this hell.

Ask yourself what would you do is you had a wife that made you feel substandard and a co-worker who thought you hung the moon. That's what I thought. Accordingly, you likely won't be able to convince her the grass is not greener. She's seen the other grass Dawg.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Aurelie said:


> You aren't meeting her emotional needs and another man came along who did. If he hadn't already, he will turn the affair physical.
> .


That is how players play. They spend their time pointing out how horrible the husband is!

but just so long as they did not consummate the new "friendship", it is NOT too late to win her back. But your initial post sounded like you were abusing her, either mentally or even physically. Are you really going to be able to turn THAT completely around...around to the point where she trusts you will not abuse her in the future? That seems to be part of the equation at this point. 

You have to appear to be strong, loving, virile, honest....and your sexual ranking will rise far above this other guy's and she will come back.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

So, how is it going Daniel T?


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

Why did you yell at her and call her names and treat her badly? You deserve to lose her. There is no excuse for abusive behavior.

Do not be selfish. Just let her go for her happiness. Maybe you are not marriage material.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Talker67 said:


> You have to *appear* to be strong, loving, virile, honest....and your sexual ranking will rise far above this other guy's and she will come back.


The bolded above is part of the player's playbook. You can't *appear* to be, you _MUST_ *BE* those things going forward, to have any chance.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

And Daniel was his name.

"Was" and now gone?? 

Now that your name was called and fingers pointed?

Deserted, we are, again, sigh.........

Oh, Daniel, "Where art Thou?"

I like desert, especially Apple Pie!

Oh, I see...to us as you did to her....

You hate pie, I see. especially Mincemeat, Eh?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> The bolded above is part of the player's playbook. You can't *appear* to be, you _MUST_ *BE* those things going forward, to have any chance.


yes that is preferred. but not all men can suddenly be that, turn themselves around but a lot can fake it, at least temporarily, and maybe grow into it eventually.

You can not suggest a course of action that is impossible to follow. what good is that?


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