# My wife had multiple EA's. I want to work it out, she says she is unsure.



## copperfiend (Nov 18, 2010)

Let me apologize in advance for the length of this post. I want to give a little background.

My wife and I have been together for almost six years, married for almost five. We have two children, a four year old son and a one year old daughter.

The first three years together for us could not have been better. We dated for a year and got married. The first year married we bought a house and had a baby. My wife has had weight issues for most of her life. I have not had the same issues but have tried to encourage her whenever possible without being pushy. Earlier this year she decided to go through a physician supervised weight loss program. She lost 100 pounds and looks incredible. 

Unfortunately, in this same time she has started getting alot of attention from guys. I have found her texting and communicating online with guys she works with, both single and married. When I questioned her on it, she always says they are work related but when I look at saw the messages they sometimes are just small talk but have on occasion been borderline inappropriate. At one point, a co-worker sent her a message commenting on a Halloween she had worn and posted photos of it on Facebook.

About a month ago, I could not take it anymore and went through her phone one night as she was sleeping. I found a lengthy series of texts messages between her and a guy I did not know. I was able to figure out that the guy was a high school boyfriend and someone who she had been talking to on Facebook. 

The first text messages she talked to him about how bad our marriage is and how unhappy she is. They slowly moved into sexual talk. Eventually the talk got extremely graphic. I was able to see all of the texts they had sent to each other. There were hundreds. This went on for about a month and a half.

She never led me to believe that she was nearly as unhappy as she told him she was. I confronted her one night about him. She admitted to everything and said she did it because she was unhappy and she regretted it. We have been working on things but when I mentioned counseling, she said she wasn't sure she wanted to go and try to make it work. I don't know what my next step should be.


----------



## iamamess (Oct 21, 2010)

From my experience I can tell you that you are not going to get anywhere with her while she is still talking to the OM. Has she committed to actually stop talking with him and taken steps like writing a no contact letter, deleting his phone number, unfriending him, etc?


----------



## deb9017 (Nov 8, 2010)

About 13 years ago, I lost 140 pounds after being overweight my entire life. I had no idea when I did it how completely things would change. All of the sudden everywhere I went men were paying attention to me, and the men I worked with were hitting on me ( I was married). It was very overwhelming. Most women of normal weight grow up accustomed to men paying attention to them. But when it happens suddenly like this, it is hard. It is very flattering to have men interested in you. This may be the whole root of the problem with her. She has new, interesting men talking to her, and its kind of nice. You have been together a while, so some of the new has worn off, and there are problems, just like in any other relationship that is not brand new anymore. So the new men look even more appealing.

That said, it does not mean you cannot fix things IF she is willing. But that is the main thing. You have to talk to her and make it clear that you love her and want to work it out, but that changes have to be made. The communication with the OM has to stop, and you both have to put everything you have into fixing your relationship, or it will not work.


----------



## copperfiend (Nov 18, 2010)

Thank you for the comments. I will talk to her about it this weekend.


----------



## copperfiend (Nov 18, 2010)

So alot has happened in the month or so since I posted this. Just a quick update. 

My wife and I have had many "state of the union" type talks since then. Many of them involve hours of emotional discussion and usually end up with both of us in tears. They have seemed to help though. We will be starting couples counseling on the 29th. She also will be having one-on-one counseling starting in January.

All contact with the OM from her EA has ended. She contacted him and said they could not communicate any longer even if it was work related. She deleted Yahoo Communicator (it was how they were talking) from her phone and removed him from her phone book and Facebook. She had previously admitted to the EA after I confronted her with what I found. In the past month, she admitted to exchanging nude photos with him on a few occasions but swears it was never physical. Based on the emails/texts I found, I don't believe it was ever physical.

I do feel like our relationship is getting closer than we have been in a few years. We are spending more time together. We are both at a positive point in our careers. I am in the process of getting a promotion at work and she will be at some point in 2011. We have been talking about the future for the first time in a while. Things like buying a new car and a new house. I have a very positive outlook right now.


----------



## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Get her off of F*ckbook! It is a hotbed of infidelity and fantacy! Nothing good can come of that! Her life worked just find for the many years prior to the advent of F*ckbook! It's a singles scene for married people to stray! A huge leap of faith and sign that she is prepared to recommit to your marriage would be for her to give up that account and stay off of it. Goodluck.


----------

