# Untouched



## calathea (May 10, 2019)

Tonight I said goodbye to the man I’ve been emotionally talking to without my husband’s knowledge. We met 7 months ago. We kissed once. And other than that, we’ve been talking on the phone and texting. We live in different states. I’ve been seeing a counselor to figure out how to help my marriage and navigate the situation. 

The back story... My husband doesn’t know how to speak my love language at all. He doesn’t touch me. Hold me. The only time we touch is during sex, which he’s very good at. But the intimate part of soft hand holding, touching me, kissing me, and even acknowledging me when I get home from work is non existent. I feel invisible. 

I’ve talked to him about this until I’m blue in the face. He tries to improve, but tells me it’s just not in his DNA. My counselor tells me he’s narcissistic. He’s a wonderful man. Trust me, he is. He never learned touch as a love language. His dad abandoned his family and his mother is stone cold. She doesn’t show affection. 

We’re four years into our marriage and 8 years together. We had a LONG honeymoon phase where we traveled and adventured. Adventure is the foundation of our relationship. Now that we’ve bought a house and dove deep into our careers, things have started to fall apart. Nesting is proving difficult for us nomads. He constantly tells me we’re not living our best life and I don’t know what to say. I’m saddened to feel like creating a home life with me doesn’t feel like his best life. 

For the first time in my life at the age of 34, I’m finally in a career I love... correction... it’s my dream job. About a year before I found my dream job, he found his. It’s amazing. We love what we do. 

I am so proud of him. I was so supportive while he jumped from job to job until he found his dream job. I put my needs behind his because we knew when it came time, I would be able move forward once he found something. I stayed in a job I hated but that was stable. I took care of our home, our ailing dog until she passed, etc, etc. I did that for four years. When I found my Very demanding job, I couldn’t do as much as I had been and he’s had to take over a bit, it was fine at first. But it’s lasted a year and he is resentful. 

I know he fell out of love with me. He stopped seeing me. He stopped speaking to me kindly. I just stopped existing to him. I got anxiety anytime I walked into my own home. So I dove into my career. I’m a smart, sexy, kind, loving woman. How could he stop seeing me? It’s the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced. 

Fast forward to 7 months ago and on a business trip, I met someone. We engaged in flirtation for a few days, he drove me to the airport, held my hand, and kissed me goodbye. When he put his hand on the small of my back I cried. Not because of guilt, but because I realized it was the first time I’d been touched like that in 8 years! I wanted to melt. 

And so I’ve been talking and texting this other man. It’s been a nice distraction. And I started to care for him. But the last two weeks, I knew I needed to end that if I wanted any hope of moving forward with my marriage. My husband and I will see a counselor together. My personal counselor told me not to tell my husband about the other person. At least not yet. It would only clear my conscious, but be extremely hurtful to him. 

I’m not even sure what this post is really about. I’m mourning I guess. I’m mourning the loss of this person I felt a connection to when I’m not getting it at home. And I’m mourning that I’m back to square one. Feeling unseen. Untouched. Unloved. And unsupported. But the odd thing is... I want to be married to my husband. I want our marriage to work. That’s why I knew I had to end it. But I’m going through a breakup of sorts and can’t talk to anyone about it. It feels strange, lonely, and terrifying. I miss this other person already.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I'm going to be blunt here. What you had was an Emotional Affair. It is good that you ended it in order to work on your marriage. I disagree with your counselor about telling him. The longer you wait, the more it will hurt him. Every day that passes is another day that he will perceive as a lie, once he finds out. You need to read the book, Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. It will explain to you what happened between you and your "friend."

It is good that you are going to see a marriage counselor.

Have you spoken with your husban about how you can do some adventuring together and also have a home and careers? Can you get a less expensive home so you have money to go on adventures? How about backing off on careers so you also have the time to do fun things?

The rat race takes the joy out of many people. You have to make a living, but you can decide how much of your life you want to give up for career, money and things.

Was your husband affectionate before you got married and got into your careers?

Also, could your husband be having his own affair? His behavior sounds like he might be.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Yes you have two levels of sadness going on.
Firstly, It's hard saying goodbye to an online friendship, especially if they have been a source of support for you as well as a distraction. 
But these connections come with their own set of problems that would have eventually added to yours.

Then you have the sadness about your connection with your husband.

I can totally relate to the feeling of melting under the rare physical touch. Your whole being is crying out just to be held for a moment. Just to be loved for who you are and not just during sex. (Even if it's good sex 

You said that your counsellor thought your husband was a narcissist. Do you think he has any of those traits? Or selfish maybe?

Some husbands need a wake up call to see that their wife is hurting and loves and needs them to show love in return.
Hopefully going to couples counselling will open his eyes to this. 
Telling him about your online friend might also get his attention, but it also might be best to follow your counsellors advice on keeping quiet for now.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

calathea said:


> My husband doesn’t know how to speak my love language at all. He doesn’t touch me. Hold me. The only time we touch is during sex, which he’s very good at. But the intimate part of soft hand holding, touching me, kissing me, and even acknowledging me when I get home from work is non existent. I feel invisible.
> 
> I’ve talked to him about this until I’m blue in the face. He tries to improve, but tells me it’s just not in his DNA. ... He never learned touch as a love language. His dad abandoned his family and his mother is stone cold. She doesn’t show affection.


That's tragic, and not his fault. But it's concerning that he thinks he can't change. Change, learning, and growth, are possible. "Talking to him about it" won't help much, especially if it sounds like a complaint. The only way is to practise, in tiny steps. Showing not telling. It's actually not that hard to learn if he's willing to try, as long as it doesn't seem like criticism. 



> He constantly tells me we’re not living our best life and I don’t know what to say.


He's got cold feet about settling down. There needs to be a creative conversation about "best life".



> I’m saddened to feel like creating a home life with me doesn’t feel like his best life.


Resist the tempation to "feel hurt that he would say that", ie cultivating resentment. 



> For the first time in my life at the age of 34, I’m finally in a career I love... correction... it’s my dream job. About a year before I found my dream job, he found his. It’s amazing. We love what we do.


You know what? I am slightly nervous of this idealising thing. "best life" , and "dream job". Pedestals. And the same with people. Slightly exaggerated perceptions. 



> When I found my Very demanding job...


I am wondering what very demanding means. Do you have anything left for him?



> I know he fell out of love with me. He stopped seeing me. He stopped speaking to me kindly. I just stopped existing to him. I got anxiety anytime I walked into my own home. So I dove into my career. I’m a smart, sexy, kind, loving woman. How could he stop seeing me? It’s the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced.


It's the end of the honeymoon phase. It doesn't have to mean the end of love. Not at all. But if you each withdraw, it doesn't go well. Stay in contact with each other. 



> And so I’ve been talking and texting this other man. It’s been a nice distraction. And I started to care for him. But the last two weeks, I knew I needed to end that if I wanted any hope of moving forward with my marriage.


Yes. If this other man knew you were married, and indulged in this, then he's not really of good character. 



> My personal counselor told me not to tell my husband about the other person. At least not yet. It would only clear my conscious, but be extremely hurtful to him.


There is something to be said for that. Is your conscience troubling you - did you do anything wrong? It might be worth telling your husband at least this much: "When he put his hand on the small of my back at the airport, it had a huge effect. I was really shaken. I am very vulnerable at the moment. I need you to do that for me."



> I’m not even sure what this post is really about. I’m mourning I guess. I’m mourning the loss of this person I felt a connection to when I’m not getting it at home.


Exactly 

There are several things getting mixed together here. One is that your husband was brought up not to be a touchy person. That can change. Another is that you think he doesn't love you any more. You may or may not be right. I would be cautious of jumping to that conclusion. These two things are not the same.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Is the OM married? Kids?
Have you told any family or friends? If so, how did they respond?
Did you discuss meeting or did either of you say: i love you? 
Did you criticize your marriage or husband to the OM?

Please read Not Just Friends by dr glass. You'll better understand 'how' the affair happened - and a strategy to protect your marriage going forward. 

We all think that 'we' or our 'relationship/affair' is different. Not true. It pretty much follows a similar pattern (including the justification). Your husband is responsible for 50% of your marriage issues but you are 100% responsible for your decision to engage in an inappropriate relationship (EA).

You have two big initial hurdles to fixing yourself. First accepting that you did something inappropriate (it's normal to protect ourselves from the ugly truth and blame someone or something else). Second, accepting that your husband is not in any way responsible for your choice to kiss, text and bond with another man. We all have issues like yours ranging from loneliness, feeling unappreciated or unloved, illness, stress, no sex, attraction to other people ... the list is endless. But we don't act out (but you did). 

You need to dig deep to find out what was missing inside you to permit the inappropriate behavior (otherwise you will repeat). 

With respect to your relationship with the OM.

The kiss and texting brought you closer to the fire of adultery than you probably ever anticipated. It all felt good and you convinced yourself that it was harmless and the your husband will never know (not get hurt). Studies show that texting triggers the same feel good chemicals in the brain as face to face contact (and because of the ease & convenience can ramp up a willingness to have sex within days).

First, don't be surprised if you desperately miss the EA. Studies show that the attention, the good feeling becomes addictive. Time will cure this but it won't be easy. It takes time and absolutely NC ...not looking at pictures or reading old texts. No you don't need one last 'talk' for closure.

Second, studies of couples that experienced infidelity teach us that the kiss is a major turning point in a 'friendship'... it's a physical & psychological boundary that once violated quickly escalates to sex.

Finally, you do not know the OM well enough to have such strong feelings toward him. Your issues allowed him to trigger your fantasy man - and it escalated from there. Some day you will look back at the OM and realize that you didn't know him. 

Stop comparing the OM to your husband. It's unfair. No spouse can compete with this fantasy guy. 

Let me leave you with one last thought about the OM. A good man doesn't allow himself to become a wedge in a woman's marriage. A good man doesn't invest time or engage in an inappropriate relationship with a married woman. A good man would advise you to seek professional counseling.


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## rocltop (Jun 3, 2019)

There could be many reasons why things with h went south but if you wanna blame love languages then sorry to say but your not understanding his either or he wouldn't be further away he'd be closer you see and maybe just feel like touching you more. Some women you feel like that just because of her ways and how they effect you, even if your not normally but others you just don't.
l'd also be wondering how much changed when you started your job. Women often don't see changes in themselves when they involved in whatever . Maybe your not as warm or tired all the time or different or always busy or all of the above and other changes. 
Somethings turned him off and l doubt it's just a bit of housework.


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## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

calathea said:


> The back story... My husband doesn’t know how to speak my love language at all.


Have you learned to speak his love language?

If not, maybe if you did, he would be more receptive to yours.

Another thought. In general, we are creatures of habit. Perhaps if you made it a point to teach him yours (giving him a hug when you get home, snuggling next to him.... or creating ways to teach him, maybe he'd get with the program. I know it a bit unfair for you to do most the heavy lifting, but in the end it could very well be worth it.

I wish you both well.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

You're not being honest here OP. Your husband doesn't touch you, so you have an emotional fling with some guy in a different state who has no ability to touch you and that filled the hole? That doesn't add up. But it is typical to blame your spouse for your own transgressions. Eases your guilt. Justifies your actions, but only to yourself.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I don't agree with your counselor to not tell your husband. You had an emo affair with this man. You kissed this man.

Would you want to know if this was your husband texting another woman, becoming emotionally invested in her, touching and kissing her? I believe he has a right to know.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Can I ask who's idea it was to go to couple's counseling? Because if you stepped out, and on top of that you requested and setup the MC session, I don't know if your therapist is correctly assessing which one of you is the narcissist.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

calathea said:


> My personal counselor told me not to tell my husband about the other person. At least not yet. It would only clear my conscious, but be extremely hurtful to him.


I don't believe for one second that you are concealing this to protect his feelings. You're doing it to avoid facing the fallout from your betrayal.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Don’t go into mc if you are not prepared to tell your husband about your EA. You are just living a lie and mc won’t work if one is not truthful.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

One excuse is as good as another.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your husband has already told you that he is not going to be able to give you what you need. I really don’t know what else you need to know. For someone whose primary need is affection and touch, going without feels like a death sentence, like you’re starving, and you are in for a desolate life. I know this first hand. I also know that if you stay, you are going to end up cheating again, and the next one will be physical. Because your husband isn’t going to change, as he’s already told you. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

You said: "My husband doesn’t know how to speak my love language at all. He doesn’t touch me. Hold me. The only time we touch is during sex, which he’s very good at. But the intimate part of soft hand holding, touching me, kissing me, and even acknowledging me when I get home from work is non existent."

Why did you stay with him for 8 years?

Among other options, you could have filed for divorce which would have been a clear wake call for him that the marriage was at risk. After all he was honest with you with respect to his inability to satisfy your demands. Instead you chose a coping mechanism (an affair) that dumps a tremendous amount of pain on your husband (a trauma he will carry for the rest of his life).
Is sounds like you wanted to punish him but still stay married (stay because it's to your advantage?). 

I read your other posts. Your mother did something similar to your father - and your post talked as if her affair was a positive act or wake up call that made their marriage better.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Geeze guys.......Kind of harsh towards the op, aren't we? Lots of assumptions here. I totally understand how she feels. I lived it. I would be surprised if she ever reported back here again due to the harsh attitudes.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

rocltop said:


> There could be many reasons why things with h went south but if you wanna blame love languages then sorry to say but your not understanding his either or he wouldn't be further away he'd be closer you see and maybe just feel like touching you more. Some women you feel like that just because of her ways and how they effect you, even if your not normally but others you just don't.
> l'd also be wondering how much changed when you started your job. Women often don't see changes in themselves when they involved in whatever . Maybe your not as warm or tired all the time or different or always busy or all of the above and other changes.
> Somethings turned him off and l doubt it's just a bit of housework.


I know what turned him off. He's a narcissist and instead of putting her life second and being his mother/maid/sex partner/business supporter, she started doing her own thing - and he's having none of it. He wants nothing to do with her anymore because she's no longer focusing on him, 'feeding' his ego.

When you're jet-setting around and having fun, it's easy to be on the same wavelength as a narcissist cos they're getting their needs met all over the place. It's a fantasy life. Just like your affair was a fantasy.

Cheating aside, OP, consider this a wakeup call. If your own counselor is telling you he's a narcissist, believe her/him. They don't like diagnosing people they don't see without strong evidence.

The point is that life with a narcissist is HELL on the partner. You've only had 8 years so far; give it 20 and you'll never speak to each other again, if he hasn't already divorced you because you're no use to him anymore.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I disagree with your counsellor that you shouldn't tell your husband. He has the right to know, and maybe it will shock him into seeing just how precaurious this marriage's future is.

One thing though - do NOT blame your husband for your affair. No matter what was or wasn't going on in your marriage, you made a choice to cheat (emotional, physical - it doesn't matter). 

Your marital issues are 50/50 to you and your husband. Your choice to cheat is 100% on you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Betrayedone said:


> Geeze guys.......Kind of harsh towards the op, aren't we? Lots of assumptions here. I totally understand how she feels. I lived it. I would be surprised if she ever reported back here again due to the harsh attitudes.


Did you go and have an EA or PA?

If no, why not?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

If he is a narcissist, I would advise you to read all you can on narcissism, educate yourself and know that you will never ever change him and it will get worse.
Decide now to save yourself and end this marriage, RUN!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

aine is right. I'm married to a narcissist, 40 years. It is soul-draining. Every day, every interaction, is all about him. Calling the phone company is about him. Talking to the neighbor is all about him. Getting screwed over at the car shop is all about him. And therefore every conversation is all about him. Even when he's doing something 'for you' it's only because of how it makes HIM feel. I, too, supported his career and him and everything was wonderful. Until I finally got enough therapy to start putting myself first - and then the unhappiness on his side started.

All this to say that if he is a narcissist, as aine says, he won't change. Look at your choices in only this long in your marriage; do you think it can survive more? For everyone's sake, bet to tell him and move on.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

@calathea

Keep posting hon.

You're going to be ok.

You are doing what you need to do and trying to get healthier and stronger.

I hope you and your husband can grow stronger together.


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