# Are we married, or are we room mates?



## roguebrittany (Apr 3, 2011)

I've only been on this site for an hour or so, but already is seems like this is maybe the place I need to be to get some answers. 

I'm very confused. I've been with my husband for about two years now, married for 2 months. Things were great up until about 6 months ago (when we got an apartment together). We used to have sex 3 or 4 times a week, if not nightly. Things were good, great really. But, almost as soon as we moved in here, we stopped having sex so often.. normally about once a week, maybe twice "if he felt like it". Now, however, its a miracle if we have sex twice a month. 

I feel terrible about this. He tells me he's attracted to me (I was concerned at first, as I gained a little weight). He tells me that he likes it. I try to keep it interesting and new. Maybe I'm trying too hard? Maybe I'm weird? He makes me feel weird that every few days I want to be intimate with him. There is no longer any affection, in or out of bed. A peck on the lips & occasionally holding hands is about all the "intimacy" there is between us. 

He's cheated on me before, so obviously, my mind goes "there". I think that's normal.. I don't know. I just feel ugly, unwanted, alone, and tempted to go else where. But I doubt that would ever happen, I do love him. I just don't know what to do anymore..


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

What happened with the move? I mean I've been where you are and it started right after we got married AND moved. My weight gain was part of the issue because I put on 25 pounds and my dh likes me thin. Oh he said he was still attracted to me but he lied to save my feelings. He withdrew then I got angry and so began a cycle of 7 years of us basically living like roomates. He hated living there (we moved far away) so this wasn't all my problem but how I handled it made it worse (emotional eating, bouts of rage, etc.)

I'm no expert and these issues can be so complicated. I'm just telling you my story and to let you know you aren't alone. Mine has a happy ended. It took marriage counseling to get us back on track so we were at least having sex more than once a month. It took me working on myself (losing weight, taking care of myself and being happier/more approachable) to get it to where it is now (2-4 times a week).


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## 62shelby (Feb 11, 2011)

I am sorry I dont have any answers for you, its a lot like that for me too. I was living in Canada and actually moved here for us to be married, prior to that when we visited each other I had to pry him off me with a crowbar. Then I moved here and all the intimacy started disappearing. We have sex maybe twice a month will sometimes go more than a month, and I have a HD plus I really like to feel wanted, so its not working for me. I have actually said to him that I dont want a room mate because thats what we are. After not talking about anything let alone talking about something for over a week, we had a talk the other night and I asked him what he thought this relationship would be like. He said you doing your thing and me doing mine. I said thats not a relationship thats two people living in the same house doing their own thing, you know room mates. I put on weight when I moved here, I am an athlete and do a lot of yoga, but I have stress related metabolic issues and now take thyroid medication. I have not control over my body comp. I also found out that he still uses Penthouse letters to get off, instead of having sex with me. Now I am still pretty easy on the eye, I am about 10lbs over where I should be. On the weekend we were on our way to a family thing, and had to pick up something from a bakery. I was wearing skinny jeans and short boots, the men in the bakery well their tongues were hanging on the floor when I walked in. I got a lot of attention. Then we were at my SIL and the nanny walks in, nothing special to look at, but younger, she was wearing boots and his head was on a swivel. I was so mad. 

The last time we had sex was Monday of last week, he was going on while we were doing it, about how he is going to chase me down and give it to me even if I didnt want it. Ok fella! Go to it! Then I get home on Friday I was doing my CPR certification, and he got home before me, I know he had been into his Penthouse Letters, wtf, couldnt he wait a few hours for me? I knew then also that we wouldnt have sex all weekend because he had sorted himself out. I dont have a problem with it per say if its supplemental to sex, ie I didnt want it as much as him. But here he has a wife, that is willing to do it all the time, wear lingerie, try new things etc, most men would kill for a willing partner and he hits the magazines. 

I really empathize. I hope someone can shed some light. Once in counselling he said that it was because we are around each other all the time. Oh great. that just makes me feel great.


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## CrystalPalace (Apr 7, 2011)

The abruptness of the decline might be a red flag that something's seriously amiss.

But frequency isn't the only measure. I had a friend who had sex with his wife nearly every day, then she proclaimed that she was attracted to other women and had been living a lie for (get this) twenty years.

The real measure to be concerned with is your own sense of closeness, intimacy, connectedness, and trust with each other. This includes sex, but is not limited to sex. Does he display any other signs of affection and love? If not, then you need to talk to him about your needs for these signals from him. Have you confronted him on this?

You mentioned that he cheated on you before. How did this work out? Possibly he started another affair about the time you moved in together..


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## roguebrittany (Apr 3, 2011)

magnoliagal- 
I actually moved to Texas from West Virginia to give our relationship a shot. After about 2 months of staying in motels and at his parent's house (which I am embarrassed to admit), we found an apartment. That's when the sex almost stopped. He has to get up early (5 am ish) every morning, and is always using the excuse "I gotta get up early", but spends all night watching TV. I know that I need to work on my body, but I guess I just let my emotions get the best of me. I've always been an emotional eater. I honestly think he's just not attracted to me. Thank you, regardless, it does help to know that I'm not the only one that's been through this.

62shelby-
Thank you for writing, too. See, I never understood that either. It's not like I'm a prude. I love him, I want to show it. I'm willing to do anything he wants. But.. I'm always the initiator. ALWAYS. I always end up telling him what to do, because he.. I don't know, maybe he just doesn't care. I'm no athelete, and I know I've not got the hottest body, but geez.. I've not changed that much.. and when I first got here, sex was a constant. I've even lost weight since this post. I just don't get it. I worry that he's cheating. I'm beginning to think that he just doesn't know what he wants. 

CrystalPalace-
He did cheat on me. Kind of. I would consider it cheating. He wasn't physically having sex with anyone else, but he'd been "sexting" with another woman. This was the first time I noticed that sex & intimacy were slowly slipping out of our relationship. But even then, we were closer than now. I've tried to talk to him about it. But he takes this as a personal insult as opposed to a conversation about what I feel we're missing. I try to cuddle. I try to kiss him. I try to be close. About the only closeness we have anymore is a goodnight kiss & occasionally holding hands while walking through the grocery store.


I worry that if this continues (with only me trying) that I'm going to be stuck in a love less marriage. I don't want to be cold & bitter , nor do I want to resent him for anything. Cheating is out of the question, but still.. 

Is it possible that he's just lazy?? lol..


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## DennisNLA (Jan 26, 2010)

Brittany,

Us males have a huge biological need to spread our seed into the world. Since I have been 16 or so I need to have an orgasm every so many days. In those 30 or so years, once I went 3 weeks without a purge of any kind when I was very mentally confused. 

My guess is if he not doing this with you, then he is finding other outlets either thru solo or assisted means. I'd have a frank conversation with him and tell him you expect his undivided attention when it comes to this department.


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## roguebrittany (Apr 3, 2011)

Thank you.
I'm going to try to talk to him again about this. 

I just hope it isn't another woman, again.


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