# How do I help my Brother in law



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

This is going to be a tough one to explain. My sister came to me about 4 months ago and said she was going to file for divorce. She has been married about 18 years and her daughter is 10. She explains that her and my brother in law are not going to file until early next year due to financial issues. At this time my sister who has always been very heavy has recently lost a great deal of weight. My brother in law also is very heavy and always has been. A lot of health issues for him including a brain tumor as a young adult. My sister is very pushy and very *****y, My brother in law is just too nice, afraid of his wife but is a very caring Father.

My sister starts going out with friends. This is something she only rarely did. Late nights and weekends. My brother in law is a bit of a doormat for my sister and at this point in a deep depression . My brother and I have talked and it turns out that my sister has been telling my brother about two men she is seeing. My brother in law also figures it out pretty quick. He has begged to save the marriage. My sister just keeps up her BS including posting things about soul mates and sailing trips with friends. My whole family knows what is going on. I have encouraged my brother in law to put her stuff on the street, file for divorce, see a Dr and get IC. Nothing he will not do anything. He has not told his brother (they are not close) and he has not told his Mom (she blames him for everything) he has begged us not to tell them. My brother in law grew up in a house filled with physical abuse from his Father, He passed away about 5 years ago.

I have been kicking my sisters ass but nothing Is happening. She is completely in the it is all about my happiness mode. My parents have tried to talk with her about the A’s and MC but she does not care.

I am not sure if I should talk with his brother and his Mom or not. He asked me not to talk with them, also I am not sure they would help him. Looking for some guidance. Let me know if anyone has any questions.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

What about these OM? Are they married or have GFs? 

What is it about people losing weight and suddenly that gives them license to cheat?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Wow. That's a tough one, man. Especially, if he's asked you not to reach out to his family and you have to abide by that. All you can do, IMO, is be there for him, man. The bottom is gonna drop out and even though he can see it coming, it ain't gonna be easy. I liken that to 3 years ago this month. My mom was in a bad way. Cancer had gone through her. I knew she was gonna die and I loved her so much. We prepared for it that final week in the hospital. The minute she died right in front of my eyes, it hurt more than anything I could possibly imagine.

He's gonna need you, man. Even if he sees it coming.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

I could have written most of that post. I tried hard to kick my sister and my BIL in the azz, but it was a massive waste of my time. Your BIL asked you to not talk to his family, so respect his wishes. In my case they are still married, but my sis is planning her exit. My doormat/Nice Guy BIL is still in love with my trainwreck/cheater sis, so I guess reality is going to hit him hard at some point. I've told my BIL, when he comes to me for advice, to file on her cheating azz. I've told my sis to file as well since she's miserable and wants to party it up.

This seems to be the common end result when one spouse's s*x rank is a few notches higher. My sis looks great for her age, and my BIL, who is 10+ years older than her, looks his age, or older. 

My suggestion is for you to not get deeply involved in this mess. They are both "grown ups" and they'll make their own decisions.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You BIL could benefit from both IC and some personal improvement regime to bolster his self confidence and to stand up to your sister.

Has be tried starting by reading any books about men who grew up in his situation of an physically abusive father and an emotionally abusive mother? 

Then there is the good old MMSL.

He also might try going to a divorced/divorcing parents group to get support?

Then there is the usual stuff - he should cut her off from access to money that she's using to financing this new lifestyle.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

The sad thing is that you can't help someone who is not willing to change. The people that come on this site come here for advice, and whatever they want they are ready to do something about it. You can see this change as people on TAM especially CWI pick apart their attempts to hide their problems and half truths. They start to realize that things aren't right. Whether it be rug sweeping, or denial, or rationalization. They get to this point where they stop defending and start listening. They start making changes. Doing the 180, or exposing, or manning up, NMMNG. They stop being a doormant and grow a pair. 
Your Brother in law will not change unless he gets himself to a point where change is possible. You can't force him the only thing you can do is support him. Keep telling him the right things to do. Hopefully he will wake up. But here's the thing about being overweight. Especially if he is really overweight. Your fat in your gut turns becomes a testosterone killer. It actually causes men's estrogen levels to rise. So manning up is harder to do because the chemical that puts us into Kick ass alpha mode is supressed. That's why losing weight and working out help us get in the frame of mind. See if you can get him in the gym get him a great workout in. Talk to him about manning up while he has a testosterone high ( 30 minute window after you guys workout) You might have some better success.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You can support them both (or not support them) but you cannot make either of them do anything.

It's that old saying: "You can lead a horse to water but..."

If they ask your opinion, give it to them but it's their marriage and only they can decide what to do about it.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> What about these OM? Are they married or have GFs?
> 
> What is it about people losing weight and suddenly that gives them license to cheat?


OM #1 Is well off much older and single.

OM #2 Is single, and was my BIL's friend from High School.

I am really worried that he may go over the deepend and hurt himself. He is not strong emotionaly. 

Also my Niece knows somethings up and she is a mess. His Mom lives about 3 hours away and his brother is only 30 minutes from each other my they hardly talk.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> You BIL could benefit from both IC and some personal improvement regime to bolster his self confidence and to stand up to your sister.
> 
> Has be tried starting by reading any books about men who grew up in his situation of an physically abusive father and an emotionally abusive mother?
> 
> ...


The Money thing would not work she makes I guess about 70% of the money. OM#1 is very well off also


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