# Unbound After 10 years



## [email protected] (Nov 13, 2014)

On 9-19-14 I went to my wife and asked her why thing have been so strange and why did I feel this distance between us. She told me she wanted to leave me. She told me she was not going to take my little girl,and that she will find a new place. She explained that for the past three and a half years shes been unhappy and she thinks time and space for herself. I am not the kind man who would force her to stay. So, I suggested cohabitation until she can find her new place. Then, for two weeks we go thru what was probably the most painful time of out relationship. Things were said that needed to be said and I believe a lot of good came from those nights. The last day that she was in the house and about to move. I did something some would call drastic. I went a got her flowers and a note saying how I feel and asking for one last date (something peaceful)and I brought it to her work to deliver it myself and that was a bad move. She was quite upset and thought the date was a bad idea. During this last heated argument I did something I regret and forced a decision out of her. I told her I had to know if this was a divorce(before, it was established divorce would be a final decision at the end a one year waiting period) and she told me yes.

Now, a little back story. When my wife and I met we were young. I needed someone smart and she needed someone strong. Both of us were jaded in our own separate ways and we helped explore ourselves and develop into the adults we are today. Granted she is way more of an adult then I. I've always been a gamer and shes always been into reading. Shes a progressive thinker and have seem to have been locked in my ways. I the beginning I needed someone who would take care of me. And, I saw this pretty girl taking care of her mother and her little brother and felt bad that her mother would use her like that. I felt that she could come with me and we could rely on each other for support. But thru the years our lives started happening and the bonds of love and lust faded away and after the dust cleared I've realized she has been the main support in both of our lives. And she needed to remove that support for me to realize I can stand on my own.

Since the separation we have been able to talk about things related to the girls. Life has been peaceful. We are co-parenting the girls and we are doing split up weekly schedule that we agree on. We've had times were its nice. Right now my problem has been my recent surgery and the lost of the use of my left arm. I fell off a ladder last April and I needed surgery to fix a torn ac joint on my collar bone. This has most likely been the straw that broke the camels back. With the burden of looking after a 4 year old a 1 year and a husband, I see now the crazy amount of stress she has had to endure. Even before this happening I wasn't helping with the girls as much as I should have. Also, she was weening the 1 year old. Her stress had to be unreal. 

Okay, on 11-5-14 I had my surgery and my mother had came to care take for me. After 6 days I had to tell my mom to leave. She had been trying to redo everything in my house in the hopes of helping me but all I needed was a care taker not someone who will fix my life. She did not take this to well and exclaimed its just how she is and she cant sit still she needs to work. But the stress wasn't working for me I threw up every meal and I was not able to rest. So now here I am seven days out of surgery and no pain pills left. At night I woke up to what felt like a knife plunging into my shoulder at least 5 times. This morning the pain was so bad I called her and she took the time off of work to give me old inflammatories she had and its just enough for me to write this. I don't know where our relationship is going. Its seems like where ever its going it feels like a good path. I've read Men are from Mars Woman are from Venus and I'm sure she read it a long time ago. I've realized the things I haven't been doing for her and I want to do them. The book talks of these love letter that help share your emotions by laying out you anger, sadness, fears, regrets, and loves. I feel like I want to write and share these love letters but I don't want to cross any lines or overstep my boundaries. I'm well aware that she frequents Talk About Marriage.com. But, she has let me know she will not be in these threads anymore. I know she is not cheating and she knows I'm not. I asked if she was doing the 180 plan she says "not really. I'm just living my life. I guess some parts of that are on the list."


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

If you need to write, then write and keep them for yourself. They will become an interesting time capsule of how you are healing.

You should probably figure out what you should have changed to make your marriage work and if you agree with it, change it. If you decide to change it, do it for you. For your personal growth and improvement.

Be a great dad, it is probably the most important thing.

Stretch


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

[email protected] said:


> The last day that she was in the house and about to move. I did something some would call drastic. *I went a got her flowers and a note saying how I feel and asking for one last date* (something peaceful)and I brought it to her work to deliver it myself and that was a bad move. She was quite upset and thought the date was a bad idea.


*sigh*

First of all, let me say I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

I know you thought the flowers were a nice gesture, but you already had an AGREEMENT that it was over and she was moving out.

This is exactly what my ex did to me. We also had an agreement that it was over and everyone was moving on. One morning I had to take my car in early to the dealership. When I got there, he was ALREADY THERE, flowers in hand, handing them to me in the parking lot, tearful, apologizing, begging for one more chance.

I was angry, upset, confused, and mostly felt violated that ONCE AGAIN he had completely disregarded boundaries we had agreed to -- always doing what HE felt was best for HIM, never listening to ME.

Sorry, this post may not be helpful at all but it really triggered me and I thought it might help to illuminate her mindset.


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