# Adult Children of Divorce



## ACOD (Apr 22, 2015)

New to the forum, so please tell me if I should be posting elsewhere or am breaking any unwritten rules. 

Bit of background: my parents started dating in middle school, married and had me right out of high school, had some issues when I was a teenager, but things got better and when I was in college they adopted a little girl from China. She is now 4, but due to malnutrition during her time in the orphanage is developmentally delayed and really is on the level of a typical 2 year old. Our family is dad (44), mom (43), me (24), sister (4). They have been together for 30+ years, married for 24. 

Yesterday after having some problems with the phone bill, mom discovered that dad has been having an emotional affair with a coworker. He does not see this as cheating because they were never physical, but obviously mom feels otherwise. His lying and deception for the past several months has made her want to pursue a divorce. It is something they had considered ten years ago, but made it work, and eventually added to our family (which I am incredibly grateful for). 

I graduated from college in August and moved back home to help care for my sister while job hunting in the city. Since I am an adult, I don't feel that their decision to split really affects my day to day life all that much. I am an incredibly logical/analytical person and because of that I don't really tap into my emotions too often. I've been reading that I should feel angry or hurt, when really I just feel anxious due to the unknown. I just want the next few months/year to be over and everyone to settle in to a new normal. 

I am also deeply concerned about the future of my sister. She knows daddy is moving to a new home, but certainly does not understand the concept of divorce. She was abandoned in a Chinese bus terminal as an infant, spent a year and a half in an orphanage there, and now has been in America for 2.5 years. She's been through so much familial turmoil already that I worry that having divorced parents will negatively impact her. She is obviously my main concern in the whole situation. I feel that because things are still so fresh for my parents they are still focused on the hurt/anger towards each other. 

I guess really by coming here I am just looking for any support or advice anyone has for adult children of divorce and/or advice for making an adopted child feel loved by all involved parties during a separation/divorce. Thanks in advance


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

I'm sorry that you are going through this, and I hope that it all turns out for the best.

I think that as long as all of you show a lot of love toward your little sister, she will be just fine. Mom and dad don't have to be together, to show you both that they love you. And I am very sure they love you A LOT.


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## ACOD (Apr 22, 2015)

Thanks Orange. I do still feel very loved and am doing my best to make sure my sister does as well. I've pretty much reached the acceptance stage and mostly just feel annoyed with how many tiny details that I take for granted are changing. I'm so sick of helping everyone with their phones/iPods/computers that it's not even funny, but I know that's just me being a brat and I actually have things very easy. 

Yesterday was the first bad day for my mom. The OW is apparently much younger, so Mom is feeling very undesirable/unloved. I made the mistake of snapping on her when she mentioned anything about the OW, because I really don't want to hear it. I've read that telling the adult children intimate details is usually the cause of most pain for adult children of divorce and I don't want to start down that road. I later apologized multiple times, and said I was just trying to establish boundaries of what was ok for me and what wasn't, but she didn't really seem to take my apology to heart. I'm hoping I can make things up with her today. She has always taught me to be confident and strong, so seeing her feel so down on herself is really hard. She's beautiful and crazy intelligent and so quick on her feet. I just need to get her to see that again.


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