# Family time after he left us???



## 3kidsbrokenheart (Oct 21, 2013)

A very short background: My husband and I have been together since we were 16. We are now 27. We have 3 kids together (10,7,3). I found out in late July that he was cheating. I was that desperate wife. Begged, pleaded, and begged some more to try to make him stay. He stayed, but continued to see the other women. He told me on 09/30 that he was going to stop seeing her and start to work on us. That night, he never came home from work. He moved in with this girl he knew for two months...very long story. He supports the kids and I financially (yes I do have a job) and does watch our youngest after preschool at my house. Heres my question... When he comes over to visit the kids (because I refuse to let him take them by her) we still do family things. We went to the pumpkin patch, we go out to eat, my husband and I go out to eat alone, and we also go shopping together. He helps around the house and helps with all of our pets. My husband is still stating that he is not moving back and is happy with this other girl. Do we continue to do this family things? Is this wrong? I know my family states I am way nice to him and he is having his cake and eating it too. Maybe I am just letting this continue because I am still desperate to save my family. Thoughts?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I am so sorry for your pain.
I'm kinda leaning with the option that this arrangement is continuing because you are desperate to save your family and facing the reality that the family you thought you had is too painful at the moment.
You have given him no consequences for his betrayal. He has lost nothing. You continue to act like a dutiful wife. He gets to see the kids on a regular basis and play dad. Then he goes back to his other place and sleeps with the OW. He has it made. 
Are you in counseling? If not, maybe you should look into it to find out why this arrangement is ok with you. 
If you are doing this because you think he will come back-he probably won't. Why should he? Other than sleeping with him, he has a wife, and a girlfriend.
I'm sorry you are in this situation, but right now, you are the one letting it continue.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like you are not being intimate with him. Is this right.


I agree with your family. It's time to file for divorce.

Right now he has it very good. He has both you and her. He gets to have a family life with you and the life of a single man with her. This is called "cake eating". Why would he give this up? He's got it made.

If there is any chance of you saving your family, it will be by your filing for divorce. He has to know that he will lose you and his nice family life. Some times you have to be willing to lose something to save it. This is one of those times.

By the way, one of the quickest ways to end their affair is to make him have to take your children to spend time at his place. If he tells the OW that he has to have his kids over there so she has to leave, she will be furious. If he takes the kids over there when she's there, he's going to expect her to take care of them... again she will be furious. 

Her nice little love relationship will not be about the kids and not her. Bye bye affair

Look at the 180 link below. From here on out interact with him according to the 180.

Get the book, "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It's a quick read. Do what it says. The book talks about doing a "plan A". You have been doing that already. It's time for you to move to the Plan B mentioned in the book.


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## 3kidsbrokenheart (Oct 21, 2013)

We have been a few times, but it stopped because we both felt....guilty?? I mentioned filing for separation when he was over and when he left, he texted me that I don't have to do that right now if I don't want too. He also ALWAYS says "IF it stays like this". I have a feeling he is just keeping me on the edge cause he knows I would do anything to try to work on this. He wants his family time, so he is just leading me on, so I let it continue. I'm thinking it's time to file. With the kids seeing her, I'm not sure what to think. My kids are very upset that he is no longer living with us. My 3 year old asks every night if daddy is sleeping over at his friends again... It's hard and right now, I just can't get myself to let them meet her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok so no more intimacy with him. You deserve so much better. It's time for you to go get tested for STDs. You have no idea what kinds of things he's brought home to you.

You have made this all way too easy on him. It's called enabling.

You also know what you have to do. Are you going to start laying down the law?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Stop making it so easy for him. It's doing you no good, you can't start to detach if he's hanging around.

Lay down rules. No more family outings. Let him watch the kids at your place. I agree with no contact with ow. Mine are 24,21&15 and I do not want her around my kids. My kids want nothing to do with her either. 

See a lawyer, find out your rights. See a doctor and get tested. Take care of you and your children. Don't worry about him. He made his decision now show him what it's really going to be like. Not the way he has it pictured in his head.


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