# Before I attempt to deal with this, how would you deal with it????



## SurfsUpToday (Dec 6, 2021)

So my wife has had a sleeping disorder since before I met her. She has struggled with it for awhile about 10 years. A couple of months ago she was prescribed trazadone and is sleeping much better now. But…Houston we have a problem. Now she takes the med 20-30 minutes before bedtime. So by the time we hit our pillows she is almost out. As you might imagine nighttime sex has dwindled to nada. Ok…so what about morning sex? Doesn’t happen either due to needing to work. Effectively, we are able to get together about once a week. Sounds like a lot to some and very little to others. I am on the very little side of things. I’m torn because she is finally sleeping well and I don’t want to jack that up but I need more frequent sex. Do we have time to get busy before bed, yep but we are in relaxation mode after we get done working. Anyhow, how would you approach this? Tia


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

SurfsUpToday said:


> So my wife has had a sleeping disorder since before I met her. She has struggled with it for awhile about 10 years. A couple of months ago she was prescribed trazadone and is sleeping much better now. But…Houston we have a problem. Now she takes the med 20-30 minutes before bedtime. So by the time we hit our pillows she is almost out. As you might imagine nighttime sex has dwindled to nada. Ok…so what about morning sex? Doesn’t happen either due to needing to work. Effectively, we are able to get together about once a week. Sounds like a lot to some and very little to others. I am on the very little side of things. I’m torn because she is finally sleeping well and I don’t want to jack that up but I need more frequent sex. Do we have time to get busy before bed, yep but we are in relaxation mode after we get done working. Anyhow, how would you approach this? Tia


Why can't she take Trazadone after sex? It's not usually the case that women "crash" immediately after sex, as men sometimes do. She could take the meds and then wind down. In your prior posts you mentioned it was your wife that was initiating. Have things changed recently?


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## SurfsUpToday (Dec 6, 2021)

Casual Observer said:


> Why can't she take Trazadone after sex? It's not usually the case that women "crash" immediately after sex, as men sometimes do. She could take the meds and then wind down. In your prior posts you mentioned it was your wife that was initiating. Have things changed recently?


Her thing is she wants to be sleeping asap after getting to bed . I am putting more of an effort to initiate but seems like whenever I do it’s after she has taken her meds. We’ve also have had several colds and a flu go through the house that has made it difficult. Sickness and sleeping med is doing me in man. 🤪

she probably doesn’t realize what is happening and I haven’t said anything yet. Just wondering what others here would say or do.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

You are in a rut. Get out of it.
Try having your romantic interludes at different times, in different places.
As an appetizer.
As a dessert.
Rent a room.
In the back seat.
In a canoe.
Join the mile-high club.
Think of something.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Could you haver sex earlier in the evening?


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Could you haver sex earlier in the evening?


Agreed. Why not try earlier in the evening or right when you get home from work. My wife hates morning sex and goes to bed very early each night so I have learned sex at 5 or 6pm is her prime time for being open to it.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

My wife doesn’t care for morning sex either but sometimes circumstances dictate that it is am sex or nothing. Like this morning as an example, had to do that to make up for last night.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

> how would you deal with it????


Talk about it. 

If the subject is forbidden from discussion, then you have bigger problems.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

The issue is your timing. Instead of waiting until you get into bed to initiate, when you come home around dinner time suggest to her that she take her meds a little later tonight, say after you two have had some fun.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He's saying they don't do it after work because they're both tired which is certainly understandable and normal. It just seems to me that he needs to initiate about 30 minutes before it's bedtime for them both. I would tell her let me know when you're about to take your pill because it's going to take the pill a little time to work.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

What about right as you're going to bed?

This way you have some sex time before she falls asleep.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Agree with other suggestions to just select a different time to have sex. Try to be spontaneous at different times - maybe before you’re off to bed. When you have a sleep disorder, you start to associate bedtime with stress - and that just exacerbates the whole thing. She may want to focus on just getting this disorder under control and having sex when she gets into bed at night may stress her out.

I would try initiating sex outside of the bedroom when you’re relaxing with her at night and see if that may help.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> Agree with other suggestions to just select a different time to have sex. Try to be spontaneous at different times - maybe before you’re off to bed. When you have a sleep disorder, you start to associate bedtime with stress - and that just exacerbates the whole thing. She may want to focus on just getting this disorder under control and having sex when she gets into bed at night may stress her out.
> 
> I would try initiating sex outside of the bedroom when you’re relaxing with her at night and see if that may help.


I think they just need to talk about it. His wife had been previously frustrated by his own lack of ability, if I recall correctly, and it had been her that had initiated things. Her frustration might have been a part of her sleeping issues. Now she's got a pill, she's able to fall asleep, so from her perspective, she's good. Plus there's something else going on here; Trazadone is pretty powerful stuff and his wife may be looking forward to taking it as her end-of-the-day thing. Looking for to it in a way that it's part of her bed time ritual now, taking the place of sex, even of talking with her spouse. My wife is on Trazadone and I've seen it in action myself. The fact that she looks forward to it working is an issue in itself.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Casual Observer said:


> I think they just need to talk about it. His wife had been previously frustrated by his own lack of ability, if I recall correctly, and it had been her that had initiated things. Her frustration might have been a part of her sleeping issues. Now she's got a pill, she's able to fall asleep, so from her perspective, she's good. Plus there's something else going on here; Trazadone is pretty powerful stuff and his wife may be looking forward to taking it as her end-of-the-day thing. Looking for to it in a way that it's part of her bed time ritual now, taking the place of sex, even of talking with her spouse. My wife is on Trazadone and I've seen it in action myself. The fact that she looks forward to it working is an issue in itself.


Okay, that makes sense. I didn’t know that backstory.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You cannot fault her since your concerns have not been properly addressed, with her calm and hopefully, soon undressed.

After you broach the want, the need and the concern, get back with us, as to her response.

We hope it is a positive one!  



_Lilith-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The back story has me blindsided, 

Uh, you have a very bad heart....

Your wife might be afraid of killing you during intercourse.

That might be every man's dream of dying with his flag pole raised and stuck in his lover.

Yeah, but that would be a wives guilty nightmare.

How would she tell the family how 'Surfs Up' died?


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## SurfsUpToday (Dec 6, 2021)

As far as the back story my heart is feeling better and I believe may be healing. Maybe never 100% but I should be able to get it to 90%. I’m feeling a bit better than 75% at the moment and hopeful for more recovery. I am a poor communicator about my feelings and such so I tend to “suffer” longer than others with this kind of stuff. I know I need to talk about it, I also tend to come off as accusatory which I am not trying to do. I also agree with the planning for it earlier in the evening. I will probably just come out as ask her to take the med later. She is plenty down to have sex more often the whole hang up is usually me. With my heart meds and not feeling 100% I usually am on another planet. The curse of the INFP. Thank you all. I’ll will update when I have the convo.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

There's now a new routine in her life, so you'll just have to work out the details to make sure your sex life isn't lost in the process. Seems normal and reasonable so far. It needs adjustments. 

You could test drive an interim agreement - if you've agreed you're having sex on a particular niggt, she takes her meds immediately afterwards. Or you could schedule for a while till you figure out what works. 

Hopefully she'll see that she just has to make some adjustments to the new routine to save your marriage. That also seems normal and reasonable. If she balks, then it's time for a longer talk.


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## RedPanda19 (9 mo ago)

As someone with a very debilitating and draining sleep disorder myself, I can tell you your wife is most likely absolutely exhausted. I too went over 10 years getting maybe a maximum of 3 to 4 hours of sleep per night, and many nights no sleep at all before I was diagnosed and given medication. That first year on my meds, I was overjoyed when it was bedtime and time to take my meds, simply because I was exhausted, both mentally and physically and I so looked forward to the deep restful REM sleep that I had not experienced in over a decade.

How long has your wife been on this medication after going sleep deprived for so many years? I would cut her some slack. It is definitely not concerning for her to be excited to take her meds and get to bed. She is finally sleeping! Through the night! After 10 years of sleep struggles. You have no idea how it feels to go from crying at night from being so overtired and still not being able to fall asleep, to being out like a light. Her body is in survival mode, she has 10 years of sleep to catch up on.

Definitely talk to her, but do it positively! Start off by reassuring her that you are so happy this med is working for her and she is sleeping finally. Please don’t ask her to take the med later to fit sex into the schedule, especially if she hasn’t been on it very long. It’s important to keep to a consistent schedule while on this med. She is repairing her brain chemistry that has been broken for 10 years.

I bet she would be very open to having sex earlier in the day. Again, say something like I am so happy this med is working for you and you are finally sleeping and I don’t want to disrupt that for you. How about when you get home from work you say you’re going to take a shower and suggest that she join you (or even after dinner if you’d rather wind down a little right after work). That is what my ex used to do. He’d suggest a shared shower to get foreplay/initiation going and then we’d go from the shower to the bedroom for sex. Then usually back into the shower for a wind down massage/clean up and then cuddle on the couch for some evening relaxation before bed. This worked very well for both of us. We were having good, regular sex and I was still able to take my meds at the appropriate time and go to sleep.

Please just be patient with her. Sleep issues are so draining and frustrating. I feel her pain, and her exhaustion. Give her some time to find her new normal and catch up on a decade of missed sleep. Once she’s feeling better she’ll probably be more open to adjusting the time she takes her pill for nighttime sex. But for now, I 100% get where she is. I was there myself. Sleep is her number one priority so she can get back to feeling like a lively, normal functioning human and not just a zombie in a fog. I was there for a decade as well, it’s absolutely miserable.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

SurfsUpToday said:


> Her thing is she wants to be sleeping asap after getting to bed . I am putting more of an effort to initiate but seems like whenever I do it’s after she has taken her meds. We’ve also have had several colds and a flu go through the house that has made it difficult. Sickness and sleeping med is doing me in man. 🤪
> 
> she probably doesn’t realize what is happening and I haven’t said anything yet. Just wondering what others here would say or do.


I would talk to her. If you normally go to bed at 11, then go to bed at 10 together, have sex, and then she can take her meds.

TALK to her to discuss this -- nothing will get resolved if you don't. Also, make sure the WAY you talk to her about this.
Saying "This sucks -- you take those meds and I never have sex anymore" is almost guaranteed to get her defensive and in an argument.
"Hey honey, I'd like to talk to you about something -- these meds are great in that you can sleep, but it does interfere a bit with our time together. Maybe we can work something out?" -- and then suggest getting in to bed earlier for fun time. Doesn't have to be EVERY night, be certain nights should certainly be doable.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

If nothing else, climb into her head and then into her dream.

And do her there, wherever she goes off to.



_The Typist-_


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

SarahHogan19 said:


> As someone with a very debilitating and draining sleep disorder myself, I can tell you your wife is most likely absolutely exhausted. I too went over 10 years getting maybe a maximum of 3 to 4 hours of sleep per night, and many nights no sleep at all before I was diagnosed and given medication. That first year on my meds, I was overjoyed when it was bedtime and time to take my meds, simply because I was exhausted, both mentally and physically and I so looked forward to the deep restful REM sleep that I had not experienced in over a decade.
> 
> How long has your wife been on this medication after going sleep deprived for so many years? I would cut her some slack. It is definitely not concerning for her to be excited to take her meds and get to bed. She is finally sleeping! Through the night! After 10 years of sleep struggles. You have no idea how it feels to go from crying at night from being so overtired and still not being able to fall asleep, to being out like a light. Her body is in survival mode, she has 10 years of sleep to catch up on.
> 
> ...


I totally get this.

My concern was if she starts equating no sex = sleep finally, or gets into a routine of no sex, that would be a tough trend to break given the relief sleep brings. Better to establish a healthy routine including some sex, from the start.


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## RedPanda19 (9 mo ago)

Quad73 said:


> I totally get this.
> 
> My concern was if she starts equating no sex = sleep finally, or gets into a routine of no sex, that would be a tough trend to break given the relief sleep brings. Better to establish a healthy routine including some sex, from the start.


That was not the case for me at least. After the first year on my meds and given the chance to have a normal consistent sleep schedule like a real person, my energy levels and desire came back and I felt a million times better. It was not hard for me to adjust taking my meds at night to allow for nighttime sex after I didn’t feel like a zombie wading through cement anymore.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You should have an honest sit down about how her shutting down your sex life is impacting your ability to bond with her. A spouse shouldn’t have to resort to such talks but unfortunately some spouses need to be reminded that there are 2 people in the marriage and decision about the sex life should be made mutually.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

You can't complain about anything that you've NOT flat out said to your spouse. Tell her you are glad she has found something that works for her sleep but that you two need to find a way to make it work with your sex life. This can be a big deal kinda conversation if you stew on it and make it that type of conversation, or you can act like you know it will get resolved and it is not a big deal.... I would choose the later if she didn't have a problem like this before....

ETA: Left out an important NOT


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

SurfsUpToday said:


> So my wife has had a sleeping disorder since before I met her. She has struggled with it for awhile about 10 years. A couple of months ago she was prescribed trazadone and is sleeping much better now. But…Houston we have a problem. Now she takes the med 20-30 minutes before bedtime. So by the time we hit our pillows she is almost out. As you might imagine nighttime sex has dwindled to nada. Ok…so what about morning sex? Doesn’t happen either due to needing to work. Effectively, we are able to get together about once a week. Sounds like a lot to some and very little to others. I am on the very little side of things. I’m torn because she is finally sleeping well and I don’t want to jack that up but I need more frequent sex. Do we have time to get busy before bed, yep but we are in relaxation mode after we get done working. Anyhow, how would you approach this? Tia


I too have very bad insomnia, in fact on my fathers side, everyone has it almost. I also take a pill every night BUT, on the nights we do it, I take it after. Unfortunately, you two are going to have to discuss sex prior to her taking the pill, or schedule it. I'm a little weird cause I like both options.


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