# A (formerly) beautiful thing....



## redpoet (Mar 27, 2011)

Hello all, this is my first post here. I have been in the depths of madness in the past few days; not much left inside to hold onto- we often lose the bricks of principles in the darkest moments of our lives. So, I have done the "unthinkable" and turned to an internet forum to write down some thoughts. 

Last February, I was at a trial competition out of state. I had felt uneasy for a few months- my wife and I were very distant from each other- but I had relegated this feeling to being stressed out from law school. I also knew my wife was going through a lot of questioning of herself and her direction in life. I tried to talk with her about these things, but the communication was breaking down. I didn't know why, but I knew we had to do something or bad things would happen. 

I returned from my two day trip and received a text message from my cell phone provider saying my bill was triple what it usually was. I checked the phone records to find out the why. I found, in two days time, my wife had been talking to someone internationally for 26 hours total. I knew who it was she had been talking to, and I now mark that day as the first of the past year of Hell. Now, allow me to backtrack to two months prior to that day. And please don't laugh. 

My wife began talking on facebook to an old high school acquaintance that was in Afghanistan on a civilian contract. Within weeks of Christmas 2009, she was up until 4 or 5 am doing this while I slept. I awoke many times to ask what this was all about, and she told me it was the time difference- she was talking to this friend and the time zone thing was the reason she wasn't coming to bed. We have been married for 5 years but together for 10 years. I had no reason to question what she said to me. I let it go. We all need friends, right? By January of 2010 (a month later) the conversations were continuing on the phone. I knew this, and again had no reason to question. Apparently, she was questioning pretty intensely by this point  Sometime in January, she called me and told me that this friend needed to be picked up from the airport in March (2010) and whoever picked him up would get a free non-couples massage. She asked if I would be comfortable with this. I said I was ok with that. 

Then I found the phone calls a month later, but before the airport gig. I confronted her about these phone calls. It became a fight. We had always had each others passwords to everything, neither of us ever used them. I decided to use them, all of them. Facebook, MySpace, email, all of it. What I found was devastating. He was clearly a pervert, and enjoyed pushing a married woman that was clearly in a weakened state of mind. He was overtly sexual, and she was not in response, but neither did she lay out the boundaries that were inappropriately being violated. I knew then that if I didn't reach out to her, it was going to get very very bad. I reached out. In every way I knew how as a husband, I reached out. I begged her not to go get him from the airport. She dropped me and our daughter off at my mother's house and went and got him anyway. She then turned off her phone. The next time I heard from her was 18 hours later, at 4 a.m. She was at his mom's house, "hanging out" with his family and him. She was drunk, and said she would sleep on his couch. I said no, and went and picked her up. We sat in my mom's driveway and she brought out all the gifts he bought her that day- perfume, a belly dancing outfit (she was getting into dancing then), etc... I told her she was not going back to see him at all unless I met him and was present. She agreed. 

The next day after the airport gig, I went with her to his house. I bought him and his entire family dinner and brought it with us- I wanted to assess this man's character. Spent the day at his house with my wife. I saw how he looked at her. It sent chills up my spine. That night, he wanted to take us out. We went. The next morning he sat on a bed in a hotel room he had gotten (we got one too, a few floors up), and proceeded to tell me how he was a "psychic" and "knew I had questions for him." He then said he was envious of me, but would never "take my wife's honor," because "with his special powers, come special responsibilities." He then showed me pictures on his camera of my wife the previous day (the airport day) where she had been posing for him in her "new dance outfit." "See, nothing happened" is the last thing he said. My wife's underwear were showing through the sheer material in those pics- a week later he posted them on Facebook. 

I am not detailing these things to recount a long story that has been retold for thousands of years. I write them because of the relative level of sickness and evil I had to confront during the beginning stages of what was going to be the worst year of my life- ever. 

So I left that hotel room. My wife had been waiting in the hallway for me. I thought we were leaving. Not. He asked to speak with her "in private." She went in over my objection, the door shut, and they were in there for 15 minutes. I kicked in the door and we left. I told her I had just confronted pure evil and I was going to leave her if she continued the friendship with him. It was an empty threat, and she knew it. 

A few days later he left back overseas. Her email, facebook, and phone blew up with his contacting her. Emails insulting me, saying horrible things about me, on and on. She allowed it. I asked her to end contact. She did, for short times here and there, but began to lash out at me at any mention of his name. Daily insults on me spiraled out of control, and I was losing my mind. After nearly two months of this, in May 2010, she had ended contact with him. I had to leave out of state at the end of May for work for the summer. It was two weeks I was to be alone, then my wife and daughter were joining me for the rest of the summer at our corporate apartment. When they got there, the contact began in earnest for the summer. Facebook only at this point. By mid-summer, I told her again either she stopped, or I was filing for divorce. She stopped. She deleted him off facebook. 

We returned back home from the summer move and it all began again. She had set up fake facebook accounts and fake email accounts to continue contact. I always found out. I always reached out. We talked for hours almost every other day about why he was unhealthy for her and our marriage. I said I understood how "friendships" can become emotional affairs and that I forgave her for that- we are all human and need love. She said she was sorry for her "heart" swaying. I asked her on a weekly basis if I knew everything. She said of course I did. 

Three days before Christmas of 2010, three months ago, we were visiting family. She wanted to go out for the evening with a girlfriend to shop. We were going to meet for a drink later that evening. I stayed with our daughter. An hour later her phone turned off and I did not hear from her until 3a.m. She was on her way home, "sorry I got caught up in hanging out with girlfriend, be home soon." I asked her if he was with her. She said no. I believed her, because I knew she hadn't spoken to him on the phone to set anything up. Mistake. It was her girlfriend that was relaying messages between my wife and this man. This was a girlfriend that had known both my wife and me for 12 years. I NEVER knew people could be so deceitful. 

My wife came home that night, and the holidays came and went. Into January of this year, and things suddenly got REALLY better for us. I mean like a new awakening. She sat next to me one day looked at me and said "I look at you now, and I cannot believe how much I love you and am in love with you- you are the strongest man I have ever known. You are an amazing husband to still be here after my emotional affair, and an amazing father. I love you." Three days later she had a miscarriage. Devastating. 

Last month, in February, a friend sent me around 40 pictures that she had seen of my wife on facebook on this man's page. They were horrible, and while not explicit, they were seriously compromising- and that is me being kind. Well, here we go again. They were pictures from last May- remember when I left state for work for two weeks? Yep. The whipped cream all over my wife was the last thing I expected while I worked at the law firm. Neither was her sitting on his lap, nor him giving her a drunken foot massage in a limo- what I expected. 

Within days of seeing these pictures ( I also showed them to her, to which she replied "he is a piece of **** and he is only trying to break our marriage!") I got on my hands and knees at 6 a.m. while we got ready for our work day. I begged for the truth- the final truth. She began weeping and admitted she slept with him that night in the pictures. Once in an alleyway, and once in a car. Then, she admitted to another night- the night "out with her girlfriend" only three months ago three days before Christmas. I am sorry if this is too much detail, but writing this is already relieving the tears I have been crying alone today. 

What's worse than this? Well, I'll tell you. Both times (or, all three times but who is counting?) there was no protection used, and she is not on birth control. So, I thought right away that 1) I need to go the doctor and get checked, and 2) the miscarriage in January may not have been my child. 

So, here I am, 7 weeks later, still at home with my wife and daughter. She has since found God, goes to church, seems to "own up" to her mistakes, and asks me to try and love her again- to stay- but if I cannot then she has to deal with that. 

As for me, I am trying to prepare to take the Bar Exam, while trying to decide if I want to take her with me when I move in three months for my post-graduation law career to begin. She has all the signs of really wanting to move on. However: I question if she has not simply moved on from one fantasy (him) to her new fantasy (me- the one she says "she only needed and wanted all along"). 

There, that is my story. I will pay very close attention to what anyone has to say. I will be fine one day, or one minute, then see a reminder, or vivid details come back and take over. I am on a lost rollercoaster that I feel everyone has forgotten existed. The tears don't stop, the darkness creeps in, and I pack my bags- but then unpack them and stay over and over. I love her as a human being, but I am asking myself if I can forgive MYSELF for staying this long- even if I leave or stay at this point. I have been to counseling on my own terms. It was before I found out about the physical part of the affair. I am simply lost. I have been lucky to be surrounded by the best of friends through this. I have gone out and been social on my own trying to have time on my own terms. Nothing is working. 

I hope to hear from anyone here. Thanks


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

You need to hang in there until the roller coaster stops. Good decisions are not made during this kind of upheaval. I tried to kick my H out, and he said if he left she would think I was giving him to her. I was very angry with myself for not kicking him to the curb, and I felt trapped because I didn't want her to have him either. She isn't worthy of him, wonderful people don't chase other women's Hs. We wrote a contract to stay and work on the relationship for a year. He put into it what he wanted, and so did I. When the year was over, we had made a lot of progress( a MC helped) and we wrote another one. It still hurts, but I understand that he had ego problems and she was stroking his ego. Things are much better, and they continue to improve. I am glad that I didn't throw him out. I don't think he's perfect anymore, but I have rediscovered my love for him. That will probably happen in your case if you allow it to. Good luck to you both.


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## TimT (Mar 25, 2011)

redpoet said:


> I love her as a human being, but I am asking myself if I can forgive MYSELF for staying this long- even if I leave or stay at this point. I have been to counseling on my own terms. It was before I found out about the physical part of the affair. I am simply lost. I have been lucky to be surrounded by the best of friends through this. I have gone out and been social on my own trying to have time on my own terms. Nothing is working.


You're going through a lot, redpoet, and it's going to take some time to figure out exactly where things will end up. There is no certain choice in this; nobody can say to you, "This is the one thing you OUGHT to do." Only you can assess how much has been broken and what choice is more consistent with you becoming a more healthy you. (I'm glad to hear you're in counseling.)

There are great books (the Books & Resources page on my affairhealing.com site list ones my clients have found most helpful) and online resources available, and I hope you'll find some that are useful to you. 

And I come along oaksthorne (prev post) in encouraging you to give it a bit of time before you make any permanent choice. You can expect it to remain confusing for a while, but it won't always be like this.


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## redpoet (Mar 27, 2011)

Thank you both for your responses. I appreciate it. 

I realize this time right now is not the best for "final" decisions. I feel under immense pressure because of the upcoming move this summer and not knowing if I want to move as a family or as a newly divorced (well, in the process of divorce) single dad. One consideration is that I do not think I can be without our daughter. If I move alone, and the wife stays behind, I will barely get to see my baby girl. I don't know if I can handle losing both my marriage and daily involvement in my daughter's life at the same time. It is sad to say, but right now I just feel like I'm only hanging on so that I can know for SURE that I will have my daughter in the new state we live in. 

I try and see brighter days ahead, but the uncertainty of that is extremely difficult.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You will have your hands full just trying to study for/pass the bar exam

I know it may be very hard, but you are gonna have to put dealing with your wife's cheating on the back burner for now

Do not under any circumstances let it get swept under the rug---she knowingly and blantantly cheated on you, and now she wants you to take her back, and love her, as if nothing happened

She made your life hell for what 12 months----she knew you were trying to quell the A., and she didn't care---she wanted her sex, and her A---and she kept on until she got what she wanted

Unfortunately---you did not take a hard enuff line, and as I said---she had her A----You can read thousands of stories of A's, and in almost every situation the A did not end completely until the betrayed took an extremely hard line---going so far as to even put D. on the table

Now all of a sudden she knows her scumbag lover was not worth what she has done to her family---and she wants back

IMHO---she wants back, and will more than likely do everything necessary to keep the family together---because she does not want to be a SINGLE DIVORCED WOMAN WHO IS GONNA HAVE TO GO OUT AND WORK, ONE MAYBE TWO JOBS TO SUPPORT HERSELF---if you decide you cannot live with her and want a D.

You must do what is best for you---unfortunately she is a very selfish woman--who knew you were in law school, and HAD TO BE heavy into studying, and now even heavier into studying for the bar---but cuz of what she has done---your mind is probably going a million directions at once every day---and your sub-conscious is running wild

As I said try to concentrate on the bar as best you can---it is extremely hard to pass if you have no distractions---and your wife has unfortunately wrecked that----

Do what you must for yourself before anything else---


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry to hear of what happened.
Either she ends it or you decide whether you are willing to continue down this path.
It sounds like the OM is a real piece of work.


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## redpoet (Mar 27, 2011)

Yes, the OM is a "piece of work." Actually, he is pretty sociopathic and has what I call a god-complex, surrounds himself with very weak people so that they all come to him for sick advice, etc... Anyway, I know its not about him (although, I could say it IS about him since my wife has thoroughly disappointed me by choosing such a bona fide psycho to have an affair with- and I kind of feel like this reflects upon her intelligence....haha just kidding 

Part of the story here is that this POS is moving back to our geographical area in May. There are a few things that screw with my situation even worse and him being within 50 miles of my home is one of them.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Did she end contact with him? He sounds like he has a few screws loose. Seriously. His brazenness is crazy.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey red---it doesn't matter that the scumbag lover is moving near you---this is all on your wife----you didn't take vows with the other guy---you took them with your wife---it is up to her to keep the NC---and to let you know immediately if he attempts contact---if he persists to bother her---then you get a R. O.


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## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

Redpoet
think with logic not feelings. she lied to you so many times, and she knew that you would get hurt and still did it. it was not not her first, but second and third. and you advised her so many times but still went behind your back. what is going to stop her again ? your love for you? her respect for you? guess what all that does not matter to her because she has no love nor respect to her husband and baby. I hope you dont have any STDs, and may be her miscarige was because the baby was not yours. 
Wake up, take your baby girl and leave that woman for once, you will find a better person, take her to court and since she cheated on you with the letters and email and pictures you have you should easy get the custody. move to a new career as a new single man, find yourself and meet a better person and build a faithful family. 
if that guy moves around your city guess what, she will continue sleeping with him behind your back. unless you are fine with that then stay with her and ask him to move with you guys, may be you can claim in your tax.


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## redpoet (Mar 27, 2011)

Jellybeans- yes contact has been ended since the December episode. So three months with nothing going on. 

Tourchwood: Cheating where we live has no bearing on child custody issues. It only factors into alimony determinations, and I have a very good case on that front. God knows I don't want to pay for her "travels" with OM (considering he was promising to "show her the world" when they got together LOL)...


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## redpoet (Mar 27, 2011)

And Luckily I don't have anything, I got all my lab results last week. Thank God for that.


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## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

you work for a law firm you can find a way for custody, her leaving and showing at 4am in morning, when you make your case to the judge and showing she was doing and laying to you it will be a good custody case. provide pictures that show her that she cant be a good mother not just because of cheating. 
you should not stay with her a minute or you will make ur case and ur feeling worse.


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## redpoet (Mar 27, 2011)

Having a horrible day! Started thinking again about the reality of all that has happened... 

Does this ever calm down? I have good days and bad days, and am leaning towards packing and getting the hell out of here.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You will vacillate a lot. It's part of the roller coaster.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> You will vacillate a lot. It's part of the roller coaster.


And the sad thing is from reading alot of people's threads is the roller coaster usually de-rails and throws the LS off and unto the cold hard concrete in the end.

The question now is, can you take this ride without going crazy hoping that the ride will stop one day and not de-rail somewhere along the way.

Is it possible to postpone your bar exam until a later date? Trust me, you do not want to take the exam at the current time.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Bro, I'm on the ****ing fence right now. The A is over, but I'm not coping well. Your situation is a tough one though. She's throwing it into your face. I don't think I could take that. As it is I'm leaning toward "see ya, when I see ya." You have a lot of tolerance, let me tell you. Peace be with you man... STAY UP.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

RedPoet's affair story is one of the worst I have read recently, if I must say. Blatant disrespect.

You have to decide how much you can take. Everyone does. If a spouse is unwilling to cut an affair off, then you must decide if you are willing to live in an open marriage.


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

Damn.... Just... Damn. I feel for you, man. I agree with not going for the bar exam with so much on your plate. Fixing this is easier said than done. All you can really do is fix you, and that sucks. Best of luck to you. We're here for you.


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

I'm all for taking your time on these serious life choices you need to make. You had already suffered a year of this and then to just find out a new depth to your wife's infidelity, it's too much to process so quickly. 

Whatever you decide it might be best if you take the wifey with you in 3 months, stick with the plan. When you have enough time to figure out what you want, at least your daughter will already be nearby. You can also see if wifey will backslide into contact. Make sure she knows if she has contact and does not tell you that it's over at the moment you find out and carry through.

I would seriously think about getting full custody of your daughter. Your wife's judgement is in serious question after she exposed your family to this lunatic. 

Did she get tested for STD's? Don't get anything back from her. Some things take awhile to transmit.

This is only a moment in time and you'll get through it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SaffronPower said:


> I would seriously think about getting full custody of your daughter. Your wife's judgement is in serious question after she exposed your family to this lunatic.


Agreed.

And get tested for STDs if ou haven't. That guy sounds like a total crazy.


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## Danielson67 (Mar 10, 2011)

Wow, I feel for you man. I don't know if you read the Bible, but there is a really amazing story in the book of Hosea about the undying love of a man towards his wayward wife. Of course the bigger picture is how much God loves us and forgives us... I'm not here to preach, just to encourage you that people need unconditional and uncompromising love. If your wife will stay, I say love her with everything you got... if she leaves, you have nothing to regret because you did everything you could do... I also suggest watching the movie "Fireproof" and checking out "The Love Dare"... just Google it. All the best redpoet.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey red---ONE THING YOU DO NOT DO---is pack and leave----your wife will then have an abandonment case against you---If you can't stand the sight of her---then force her to move into another room in your house---stick all her belongings in that room---and tell her to stay in that room, and not show herself in the rest of the house

Let her know very firmly since she didn't really want her own child, nor her H---since she could give a crap about her family---she is not welcome being around you and the kids

Give her a piece of her own medicine


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

Tourchwood said:


> Redpoet
> think with logic not feelings. she lied to you so many times, and she knew that you would get hurt and still did it. it was not not her first, but second and third. and you advised her so many times but still went behind your back. what is going to stop her again ? your love for you? her respect for you? guess what all that does not matter to her because she has no love nor respect to her husband and baby. I hope you dont have any STDs, and may be her miscarige was because the baby was not yours.
> Wake up, take your baby girl and leave that woman for once, you will find a better person, take her to court and since she cheated on you with the letters and email and pictures you have you should easy get the custody. move to a new career as a new single man, find yourself and meet a better person and build a faithful family.
> if that guy moves around your city guess what, she will continue sleeping with him behind your back. unless you are fine with that then stay with her and ask him to move with you guys, may be you can claim in your tax.


You have no real opinion, but to divorce. If it was a affair with out you knowing, and she was thinking about leaving you, maybe I can see it. See had his tool in her with skin on skin. I myself could never ever do it with her again, I would go limp in 2 seconds. She is a sick sick female, by using her body like this. How many partners has she had before you? Also let me guess bad childhood to right. She looked right at you and lied over and over to you. What did this guy to for her to do all of this ? I think a test of your first daughter needs to be done. I can say this is not the only guy she has had like that. I think she needs help, with she mind. Did she get raped at a young age ? I see a narcissistic person in front of you. Without some help, she will do this again. For her to have no, and I mean no, regard for your life when she maybe is caring HIV, come on wake up. You are just a meal ticket. When you go to counseling I think they may tell you the same thing she needs help.


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

redpoet said:


> Having a horrible day! Started thinking again about the reality of all that has happened...
> 
> Does this ever calm down? I have good days and bad days, and am leaning towards packing and getting the hell out of here.


Sorry no it does not, my best friend is still sick from what happened to him 5 years ago. Very similar to you, but he got herpes in the end. I think that was after guy number 3 or 4. By the way he had no idea it was that bad, until he found a Memory stick with all her pics from all the men she was with, over the 3 years of there marriage. plus all the red bumps he kept getting. Anyways my best friend went from 190 pounds to about 150 and is still not himself to this day. I'm so glad he has his daughter to help him with the bad days. So be very glad, at least you have something from that to be thankful for.


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## redpoet (Mar 27, 2011)

Again, thanks for the replies everyone. 

I have been tested, came back clean, but yes that stuff can take time to transmit. I'll be re-tested in a few months. SHE has NOT gone to get tested even though I have asked a few times. WEIRD. I am starting to believe she is mentally ill. NOT because of the affair per se, but because of the way it was carried out- she was openly obsessed with the OM in front of me for a year. Totally f----- up  

Thing is, I'm quite a good looking guy, getting ready to begin a "prestigious" (whatever that means) career at a top National law firm, and I am firmly loyal and faithful in my relationships. Plus, I'd like to think of myself as a pretty good dad  So, I kind of feel like I should bail now while I'm still young and marketable. Sounds shallow, but I really did give her at least 100 chances to come clean, and she never did. 

Which leads me to something she said to me tonight. I was on the couch with my daughter cuddling, and singing to her. As my daughter is going to bed, she turns around and says "daddy, when are you going to bed?" Simple question coming from a 3 year old that is obviously getting insecure about what's going on, and its breaking my heart. Anyway....

My wife says to my daughter "Start worrying about yourself! don't worry about anyone else!" (to my daughter)

I told my wife "maybe she just loves her parents and wants them to get sleep." 

Then my wife comes into the room where I am and says "YOU manipulate every one to cater to YOU!" and "you just want your daughter to cater to you and serve you!" and a bunch of other off the wall stuff. Took me by surprise, but my wife has been saying things like this to me ever since the OM got involved last year. She tears me down constantly. 

I didn't mention this before, but my wife has also physically attacked me in front of my daughter before- twice in the past year the affair was going on. She was never abused as a child. It makes no sense. I have NEVER laid a hand on my wife either. I just went into a defensive position and left the house immediately when this happened (like 5 months ago). 

I don't know if I should try to help her get help, or just get the f--- out of here ASAP. 

As for the bar exam, I won't be postponing it- I am about to graduate from a top five law school with Honors, even while going through all this. I know I can handle the Bar Exam just fine :smthumbup:


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

My posts average 500-1000 words. After reading this one... all i can say is...

good luck.


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## redpoet (Mar 27, 2011)

Question: What is the most effective way to force all the truth of the entire past year to come out? 

I am not even considering staying with her unless I KNOW that i won't have to deal with "trickle truth" coming out later (little details that slip up as time passes, only to reinvigorate the hurt).


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## redpoet (Mar 27, 2011)

So...

I tried to sit back the past few weeks and reflect. Lots of reflection. I went into our old boxes of letters to each other from our first 6-7 years together (up until about a year after being married; we've been together 11 years married 5). 

Wow! I read and re-read hundreds of our letters to each other. I looked at them objectively- not with the emotion of a betrayed husband. What I found was PATTERNS of language and thoughts that she was having through time. I think we tend to ignore the patterns of behavior from those we love- esp. spouses- we glance past patterns that exhibit themselves on a daily basis. What I have found in these letters:

1) She gravitates, and always has, extremely rapidly from euphoric to very depressed from day to day. This is without any external environmental conditions (say, a crappy day at work) bringing it on. These behaviors were going on years and years before she ever had an affair. 

2) Early in our relationship, she was a VERY dedicated/loving woman that placed ALL of her faith in our dreams together. However, she would go from that one day, to writing a letter the next day about how she felt so purposeless and life was so meaningless. 

3) She often loses complete attention and/or track of her immediate physical surroundings, even though she is under no influence of drugs or alcohol. I'm talking middle of the day driving home from work. Stares off into space in the middle of a conversation and a minute later, after you have been talking to her the whole time, says to you "Huh? Were you talking?"

4) Loses memory of events very rapidly from day to day. Scary stuff- seriously. 

Anyway, we start MC next week. I am going to do my best to NOT do the following: 

1) Try to "diagnose" her to the MC
2) Re-live the entire past year of the lies and affair. 


That being said, does anyone have any advice on what I SHOULD be open to doing in MC?


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

be patient with him or her... and let him know your most immediate needs. 
You are about to dump a huge load on them.


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## redpoet (Mar 27, 2011)

Thanks two time. Appreciate it. 

I do have one other question: 

In my first post/ story I mentioned this "girlfriend" that was serving as the messenger between my wife and OM in December. Now my wife barely talks to her anymore, maybe once a month if that. 

However, I have VERY serious problems with that contact. This "girlfriend" has no qualms about starting this crap again (serving as a messenger for OM- not my wife). He still has contact with the "girlfriend" and will definitely use her to either 1) get my wife's new phone number, or 2) relay messages to my wife whether my wife wants to hear them or not. 

It's like constant salt on the wound. 

So, how should I approach this? I've already made it very known to my wife that I despise the "girlfriend" and will not tolerate her in our life anymore. Done. Yet, I REALLY want to send an email to this girlfriend and give her a piece of reality- nothing threatening or nasty, just expose her to her own miserable self. 

Should I? I know it will make my wife agitated if I do that, BUT I would feel better if I did.


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## justbe (Mar 19, 2011)

just leave her ... don't care for the cheating wife.


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## bangun (Oct 20, 2010)

happy is our choice.

if i ware you. I wil rise my doughter by my self or with new kind wife. not with a bad influence for our child.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

You should do whatever YOU feel like doing to heal.

You should no longer be concerned with whether or not your wife gets agitated.


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## redpoet (Mar 27, 2011)

Well.....

We attended MC on Monday, and a 45 minute session became two long hours. In a period of 2 hours, the MC looked at my wife and said "I'm confused. You just said X, but now your saying Y. It sounds like you may be very passive-aggressive at a minimum." the MC was blown away at the behavior of my wife. I just kept my mouth shut for most of the time. 

that being said, I have now made my choice. As I was sitting there in MC session, it suddenly became very clear to me. There is absolutely no helping this person or this marriage. She is stuck on some odd "let's just forget the past and focus only on how we move forward" rationale. She doesn't realize that she is only HALF CORRECT. For me, there is no moving forward without knowing the FULL truth of how much I was betrayed. She would rather keep that part of the story a hiccup in our ten years together. 

I am getting a divorce. I am moving to my new career, new state, all of it, ALONE. I have not yet decided if I will fight for full custody. Time will tell. 

I am now taking complete control of my own life back. And it feels pretty good. 

I have told her this. She wants to "separate" first, and see if we can work it out like that. I told her- "you don't understand: Separation does NOT mean you get to frolic with OM while I work. So I won't put myself through that-because I know that is what you will end up doing anyway." 

Anyway, I'll keep writing on here to vent, and ask for advice. I still feel terribly sad for having to leave my daughter's daily life soon, but I will be a better Father in the end for it anyway.


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## redpoet (Mar 27, 2011)

Been absent for nearly a year now- 

Well, passed bar exam with flying colors. Moved cross country with family in tow. Waited until 6 months had passed so new state could acquire home state jurisdiction over custody and divorce proceedings. 

Then, dropped the divorce bomb on her the day after six months in new state had passed. 

It has been an absolute living hell since last year. She has exhibited increasing levels of psychosis. I watch and document closely for my custody case. Multiple instances of physical attack (as usual) on me, in front of my daughter. I document. Sometimes there are witnesses (such as family). 

Yes, we are still living together, albeit basically with very minimal contact. She has to get a job (she hasn't worked since moving here 8 months ago) and some funds together to support herself. I am making an attempt at foreclosing alimony award to her; although considering her abuse and infidelity, it is not likely. 

Anyway, thought I'd update my thread after such a long absence.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> It has been an absolute living hell since last year. She has exhibited increasing levels of psychosis. I watch and document closely for my custody case. Multiple instances of physical attack (as usual) on me, in front of my daughter. I document. Sometimes there are witnesses (such as family).
> 
> Yes, we are still living together, albeit basically with very minimal contact. She has to get a job (she hasn't worked since moving here 8 months ago) and some funds together to support herself. I am making an attempt at foreclosing alimony award to her; although considering her abuse and infidelity, it is not likely.


Redpoet, I officially pass my "Married to the Nastiest Sl*t" award to you. My god what an evil excuse for a human being you're married to. Why on earth have you not shown her the door? Why are you subjecting your daughter to a woman who is obviuosly mentally ill and at the very least may have BPD?

Get that vermin outta there and get custody of your daughter whatever the cost!


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Redpoet - What are you thinking? Why are you allowing your wife to physically abuse you especially in front of your child? The next time she does this you must immediately CALL THE POLICE and have her spend the night in jail. This will help you in many ways:
1. It will stop the abuse.
2. It will help you immensely in your divorce and child custody hearing.
3. It will send a message to your child that this is unacceptable behavior in a marriage and a civilized society.

By doing nothing you are sending a clear message to your wife and child that this is acceptable behavior. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Her actions have clearly shown you that she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Actually, it is even worse....

Children learn how to deal with life from their parents. By allowing your wife to behave this way in front of your daughter without life altering repercussions you are providing your daughter with an example she would be best to do without.

I would also get "hidden" footage of the physical attacks and crazy behavior...often husbands are not believed and a picture is truly worth a thousand words.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Hopefully you can get full custody and her with a restraint order against her.

So what of her OM and cheating? She still with him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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