# He's encouraging me to go out without him



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Me and my H had some kind of misunderstanding yesterday and i'd appreciate a bit of advice as it's on my mind.

A mutual friend is visiting town and I suggested we get a sitter to go out and see them. He thought, then said maybe, but he wanted an early night, it costs a lot once you factor in everything, and it's a lother of hassle to organize at short notice.

I said re: the cost, we could skip town and go for a quiet drink nearby and be back earlier. Maybe he said. He then turned round, looked right at me and said if I wanted to go out, to go to town and meet our friend, I could. He would stay home. He said he didn't HAVE to come with me.

This is the second time in two days he's said something about this. The day before, we were talking about our friend visiting and he said i could go on my own if I wanted, and why did I never go out by myself to meet friends anymore, to go out? 

Yesterday i got upset. Said the whole point of me suggesting going out was that I wanted to go out WITH HIM. This is something we've been working on through MC. I felt confident suggesting it (he's not been very receptive to it in the past) because he's been more forward this last week about his own ideas for time together, which is big coming from him.

I made an earnest effort to kickstart "me" a while ago. Started fitness classes every week. I have been working on leaning on him less and taking care of more stuff by myself, to take the strain off him when he isn't at work and to be more strong I guess. Yet he is fixated on me having a social life similar to his, where he meets with his good friend to hang out for a couple of beers a couple of times a week, go out and meet friends on weekday evenings.

I can't get from him if he feels pressure from me for him to fulfil ALL my social needs, or if he simply wants alone time to hang out at home after work. Or he's telling me indirectly that being like that, out and about and maybe a bit less available is what he finds attractive?

I just don't want to end up substituting time with friends for time with him: quality time is way down his list of love languages and his idea of quality time is hanging out together in the living room. Nice but not focussed time together imo.

Insight and advice welcomed!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

walkingwounded said:


> Me and my H had some kind of misunderstanding yesterday and i'd appreciate a bit of advice as it's on my mind.
> 
> A mutual friend is visiting town and I suggested we get a sitter to go out and see them. He thought, then said maybe, but he wanted an early night, it costs a lot once you factor in everything, and it's a lother of hassle to organize at short notice.
> 
> ...


I haven't read your background, could he be looking for free time to correspond with someone with you out of house?
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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> I haven't read your background, could he be looking for free time to correspond with someone with you out of house?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He had an EA a few months ago. Over now. Afaik there has been no contact for over a month, I have access to everything so I'm as sure as i can be that it's not anything to do with that.

The counselor said he's very self-sufficient and independent. Happy in his own company. It has been quite an issue for him with my request for more quality time as he is happy with the time we do have. We each have a different take on it; we spend maybe three hours an evening together in the week, three or four nights a week. This is usually watching TV together, or one of us on the laptop, I might be reading or doing financial stuff. We're together, which he appreciates as his kind of quality time. I like that companionship but my kind of quality time is when we're focussed on each other, eg having a conversation, listening to music together, looking at stuff together on the internet etc.

My best guess is that he feels I am looking to him to him to be an integral part of my social life and he doesn't want to feel obligated to be there every time i want to go out. Tbh at this point my focus is time with him and although he has made steps toward this, it's simply not his thing. He also doesn't get much time to himself and i think this might be a part of it.
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## MakinOurWay (Jul 12, 2011)

Has he ever gone out with you to meet your friends? 
Did you explain that it means a lot to you that the two of you go out together and have fun as a married couple together? It is, after all, what friends and lovers like to do.
By all means, though, respect his need for time alone to decompress on his own terms, but persist in your pressure for the two of you to have fun times together. It's sort of the best part of being married. You don't have to be joined at the hip at all times, but you should be able to enjoy each other's company.

Be sure to bring this up in counseling and don't relent until he provides a thorough explanation and confronts what's really behind his reluctance to spend quality time with you. "Wanting to be alone" is BS. It's what a petulant teenager would say, not a mature father and husband.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

We used to socialize a lot with friends. We have a lot of friends in common so it worked out well.

He knows it means a lot to me, we have discussed it in MC and at home. It's my primary love language. I have explained that part of the point of being a couple is that we enjoy each other's company as husband and wife. He says the time we spend together hanging out in the evenings satisfies his need for quality time. I appreciate this, I don't have a problem with that, what I *do* have a problem with is his reluctance at times to meet this need for me.

I asked him if there was anything I wasn't doing for him that he would like me to be, thinking maybe he was feeling resentful about something I hadn't realised. His answer? He doesn't need anything from me. He feels loved, he knows I love him. Basically I am meeting all his needs.

He has offered various reasons as to why he is reluctant. Such as, organizing time alone together out of the house is such hard work, he wonders if it's worth it (sitters are usually my parents who live a 45-minute drive away and the youngest child can be quite awkward when it comes to having someone else do bedtimes, the cost of the drive there and back and then there again to pick them up the day after, if his mom takes care of the kids, she comes to the house but will only stay til around 12am latest.)

Also he says there's no point organizing a date night on a weekday night because again it's just too much trouble and we should stick to the weekend if we want to go out. He isn't a big fan of the movies but will rent something for a night in. Usually grudgingly or uses it as his "I'm sorry" card if he's messed up about something.

He does work hard and to chill out likes to meet his friend for a beer a couple of times a week. I am actually at the point where I feel envious because he goes to the effort of making plans, showers and puts on his own clothes to go out. He says to organize the same for us (which would involve getting a sitter) is (yep you guessed it!), "too much trouble." I also have no problems with him wanting that kind of time alone or time on his own, like when he works on the car, or has a project on the go.

He said earlier as well that I'm never happy with things. Said that we spend a lot of time together anyway, and get a lot more time together to go out than couples with kids like us. Said I should be grateful for what I do have instead of wanting more. I honestly think I am not being unreasonable in saying to him that I really enjoyed the half hour we spent this week engaging, lounging together on the sofa looking for a car on the computer, and that I would like more of that time. He thinks because he's happy with hanging out at home, even though for me, we're not really conversing, chatting or engaging with each other, that I should be happy with that.

I have tried asking. I have tried making the plans then telling him what we are doing. Asking usually gets a begrudging, "if you want" or "didn't we just spend time together yesterday/the other day/last week" (honestly, he says this like it's a chore.) Making the plans he'll go along with for a short while until he decides he doesn't like being told what to do.

I feel quite embarrassed actually about it. I mean, my H doesn't want to go out with me unless pressed. Yet I'm meeting his needs, words straight from his mouth. What am I missing?


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## kevint (Mar 14, 2009)

Sounds like there's something wrong that he isn't telling you.Of course we're only your side of the story though.If he doesn't wanna go out what's the big deal about it??You said he had an affair.Have you ever had one?There's something else going on here because I can't understand why going out or not should be a big issue.:scratchhead:


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

kevint said:


> Sounds like there's something wrong that he isn't telling you.Of course we're only your side of the story though.If he doesn't wanna go out what's the big deal about it??You said he had an affair.Have you ever had one?There's something else going on here because I can't understand why going out or not should be a big issue.:scratchhead:


OK, to clarify, it's not "going out" specifically that is the issue for me. The issue for me is that he is for the most part reluctant to spend time interacting with me. It could be going out, as per the example, ie going out as a couple (although in that instance there would be others there too), but also at home, ie he'd rather watch TV than have a conversation. In essense it's knowing that although he knows it is one of my needs, he won't go to the effort of meeting it, even though I am regularly meeting his needs and he is happy about it. He is showing that to spend focussed time with me bothers him.

No I haven't had an affair.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

In another thread it sounds like he is in at least an EA.

This would be the reason for this behavior.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

No. He isn't in his EA now. I am as sure as I can be that he isn't behaving like this in order to restart his EA. I could come up with all the usual cliches like I know where he is all the time, he comes straight home from work, I can see his cell records etc. I am not naive enough to say this couldn't be possible, but with the knowledge I have, I am sure this isn't happening.


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## MakinOurWay (Jul 12, 2011)

It appears he's dealing with something, and the prior emotional affair is just a facet of that. His unwillingness to share proximity with you is a facet if it as well. 
Problems don't begin and end with an affair's chronology. There is a root cause, and THAT is the problem.

It seems as if you're watching your husband just check out of the marriage.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> No. He isn't in his EA now. I am as sure as I can be that he isn't behaving like this in order to restart his EA. I could come up with all the usual cliches like I know where he is all the time, he comes straight home from work, I can see his cell records etc. I am not naive enough to say this couldn't be possible, but with the knowledge I have, I am sure this isn't happening.


When did the affair end? How long was the withdrawal period. It took me from six to eight weeks. I was also taking anti-
depressants.

I agree that when the affair is done, then you are left with the work to deal with the root cause.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Hmm. I hadn't taken it as something to do with his EA. My initial take would be that I am being more forthright in identifying that my primary love language is quality time and asking him to meet that need for me. He is having difficulty meeting that need, he finds it difficult to empathize because he does not have the need in the way I do.

Looking back, I don't think this has changed in him. He's always been quite self-sufficient and independent. I think it's just come to the fore now. It's not like he's suddenly changed and decided he wants to spend less time with me. More that he's happy with the amount and quality of quality time compared to what I would like.

I should clarify that he is quite happy to spend time in my presense. In fact, we spent most if not all of the weekend together and 4/5 evenings. It's just that that time is either with the family, or the hanging out time I mentioned where we're watching TV, on the laptop or whatever.

I have asked him previously. He says he does want to spend time with me, just me. But that the hanging out time is fine for him. He doesn't have a pressing need to go out on dates, or lounge about together talking. He says it's too difficult to organize time alone together for going out, and although he likes it when we do it, he doesn't feel the need to do it every week. At home in the week, he says that by the time everything's done in the evening and he can sit down, he wants to zone out. Just do something where he can switch off, like watch TV or browse the internet. He says he just likes that I'm in the room with him. I said if he wanted companionable silence, he could go move in with his friends across town in their house share. He said noooooo, that's not what I want, that's different, and was really offended!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> Hmm. I hadn't taken it as something to do with his EA. My initial take would be that I am being more forthright in identifying that my primary love language is quality time and asking him to meet that need for me. He is having difficulty meeting that need, he finds it difficult to empathize because he does not have the need in the way I do.
> 
> Looking back, I don't think this has changed in him. He's always been quite self-sufficient and independent. I think it's just come to the fore now. It's not like he's suddenly changed and decided he wants to spend less time with me. More that he's happy with the amount and quality of quality time compared to what I would like.
> 
> ...


Ok, so for some reason you do not want to say when the EA ended and how long it took him to go through withdrawal. An EA will effect a marriage for a very long time. I get what you are saying though.

What I have bolded seems very important.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Sorry I forgot that bit. I found out about three months ago. It was over a few weeks before, but there was some contact after he ended it and some contact after I found out. Mostly her but he did respond after she would get persistent. I think his last contact was a month or so after I found out. I suspect there may have been some time after this that he was getting over it still, maybe another month.

That bit you bolded? Yeah he says a lot of things. It has been apparent in MC that he thinks that because he feels certain feelings and emotions, that is enough. For whatever reason it seems I am supposed to either all ready know he feels these things, or have him tell me he feels these things and then *that* be enough. He has been oblivious to realizing it might be constructive to *show* he feels these things.
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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> Sorry I forgot that bit. I found out about three months ago. It was over a few weeks before, but there was some contact after he ended it and some contact after I found out. Mostly her but he did respond after she would get persistent. I think his last contact was a month or so after I found out. I suspect there may have been some time after this that he was getting over it still, maybe another month.
> 
> *That bit you bolded? Yeah he says a lot of things. It has been apparent in MC that he thinks that because he feels certain feelings and emotions, that is enough. For whatever reason it seems I am supposed to either all ready know he feels these things, or have him tell me he feels these things and then *that* be enough. He has been oblivious to realizing it might be constructive to *show* he feels these things.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


hmmmmm. I see your point. Not sure what to say here. 

I know for many years I would just assume my wife understood certain things about how I felt but am finding out she did not get the memo ... My bad of course.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I am wondering if maybe the problem is in the delivery of the message. I have wondered if in my enthusiam I am bombarding him and he feels under pressure, that it is a constant issue. I am certainly very pressing when it comes to issues and he has said at times that he feels he can't do anything right, that no matter how much he does it isn't enough.

I go from thinking yes, he does do a lot anyway and he has done a lot of heavy lifting since his EA, to yes he has done a lot but that doesn't mean what I'm talking about can be tossed aside because he's had his quota of hard work IYSWIM. I do know that when he gets irked about it, it seems to cancel out in his head all the appreciation I have shown him for what he has done. I am very careful to show I appreciate his efforts.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can keep the subject current but not bombard him with it every other day? I read in one of my books about sitting down on a Sunday and scheduling time together for the week. That might be a way to go?


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