# So angry - 7 months later! The Fog affects the LS too!



## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

Back in September last year my wife's EA went PA but I never got angry.

Here is the thing, whilst my wife was in her fog of how *bad* the marriage was, I was stuck in a fog thinking how *good *the marriage was.

I was so far in LaLa land that the rainbows and fluffy bunnies hopping around obscured me from seeing my wife for who she really was.

I guess after 10 years and her being so anti divorce and soooo in love with me, No major issues, no fights or little break-ups, I thought she was unique. Infidelity and divorce were things that happened to other people not well adjusted and educated couples such as us.

I cringe when I think about some of the lovey dovey crap I spewed forth from my mouth. "I'm here for you", "We can get through this", "This isn't you its the depression/medication/alcohol/me not being there for you", "Give me a hug", "What can I do to help you?".  :scratchhead:

I came on these boards and got some advice, at the time I thought some of it was good but a lot of it was clearly not for me - they didn't know my wife like I did. :rofl:

The journey through being on the receiving end of an affair is a strange one, yes its a roller coaster but its also like peeling an onion and it is a slow process of peeling off each layer until you get to the core. I knew in my head that I was in a dysfunctional relationship but my heart just couldn't seem to accept the reality. I kept being Mr Nice, Mr Understanding and Mr loving thinking that would bring her closer to me when all it really did was push her further away.

It wasn't until I read the many other posts from people reporting EXACTLY the same kinds of symptoms that I finally learnt the most important lesson - this wasn't my wife any more and she wasn't unique. I think from that point on it became easier to accept, we separated in Feb and the distance really helped me to reflect on both of our behaviors; for the first time I could see things objectively and clearly.

Well its now been some time, I've slipped up in the 180 and LC but for the most part been stable, logical and sane. Unfortunately I can feel myself getting cynical and angry with not just the affair and the way I was treated but the way in which I fooled myself. Had I just stepped away and followed my brain instead of my heart I would have been a lot happier a lot sooner. I'm now a much more rounded individual than I ever have been, I'm working out, enjoying my new job, making relationships and learning all about what makes a relationship really work. Part of me still wishes for that reconciliation but I'm happy with myself, I like me. I don't think I could have honestly said that before this all started.

Anyway, if anyone is still reading this and are new to the horrible life lesson that is infidelity, don't look at your wife and see what you want to see - let her actions prove who she really is. 

No idea why I felt the need to write this but strangely therapeutic!


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

And a good read too sire. I wish you the best of luck


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## jsmith (Nov 1, 2009)

Good for you.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

This is a good post and I can relate to it very well. I was the same way with my stbxh. No matter how many times he did me wrong, I was always so willing to forgive him. I could not (or refused to?) see him for who he really is and it took me finding this group, and reading through many, many threads to get the full understanding I lacked before. I do not like that my marriage had to end but I have no regrets over divorcing him either (not final yet). It's been almost 2 months since DDay now and I am seeing how my life is much better without him in it.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Oh how I could have written this verbatim. Good for you! Someone here called it the "smog". We do the opposite of them, over glorify the positive while they do the same with the negative.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Indy Nial said:


> Back in September last year my wife's EA went PA but I never got angry.
> 
> Here is the thing, whilst my wife was in her fog of how *bad* the marriage was, I was stuck in a fog thinking how *good *the marriage was.
> 
> ...


Something “happens” doesn’t it. It’s like we have an Epiphany moment, a sudden awareness of the “reality” of who our wife is. And then as time passes by we become more and more aware of “things”. Sure, all the things we liked and loved about her are still there, but now we kind of see warts as well. They somehow become more human, much less idealised in our minds. I think this is when we see for the first time just how high the pedestal was that we’d placed her on.

You’ve come a long way, if you ever find a way of ridding yourself of that anger I’d be obliged if you’d let me know.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Something “happens” doesn’t it. It’s like we have an Epiphany moment, a sudden awareness of the “reality” of who our wife is. And then as time passes by we become more and more aware of “things”. Sure, all the things we liked and loved about her are still there, but now we kind of see warts as well. They somehow become more human, much less idealised in our minds. I think this is when we see for the first time just how high the pedestal was that we’d placed her on.
> 
> You’ve come a long way, if you ever find a way of ridding yourself of that anger I’d be obliged if you’d let me know.


I think to some extent you'll always be angry at how you were treated. But to let go of the feeling of anger when you see the DS, and to let go of feelings of vengeance and spite and to live your life free of anger, is to truly move forward and begin healing. Getting past the bitterness is the next step on your journey. I am starting to realize that. As much as I want to scream at him, "You fvck, I know exactly what you're doing, it disgusts me, I hope you're happy with that skank!" I don't. I conduct myself with class and dignity, because HE knows what he's doing. And he knows I deserve better. In the end, it will be his loss. Then all I'll feel is pity. No more need for the anger.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

LonelyNLost said:


> I think to some extent you'll always be angry at how you were treated. But to let go of the feeling of anger when you see the DS, and to let go of feelings of vengeance and spite and to live your life free of anger, is to truly move forward and begin healing. Getting past the bitterness is the next step on your journey. I am starting to realize that. As much as I want to scream at him, "You fvck, I know exactly what you're doing, it disgusts me, I hope you're happy with that skank!" I don't. I conduct myself with class and dignity, because HE knows what he's doing. And he knows I deserve better. In the end, it will be his loss. Then all I'll feel is pity. No more need for the anger.


I so want to be where you are in the healing process. For me it seems like I flip flop between anger/depression and trying to move on which I find right now extremely difficult. But I just have to keep on trying. What kills me on my end is that I never got a closure, never got an appology(even if it was fake one). He just continues to live as if nothing ever happened and we just got divorced and that's it.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Indy Nial said:


> Back in September last year my wife's EA went PA but I never got angry.
> 
> Here is the thing, whilst my wife was in her fog of how *bad* the marriage was, I was stuck in a fog thinking how *good *the marriage was.
> 
> ...


Indy,

You're in the exact same boat as me. I'm separated from my wife, I've made new friends, my confidence has been lifted and I'm at the point now where I'm wondering if I'd even WANT my wife back anymore. 

It's like I'm cheating on her emotionally with myself. 

I love my wife, but now she's like this beautiful woman walking around tainted with a piece of **** stained toilet paper hanging from her pants every where she goes. It's pretty pathetic...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

notreadytoquit said:


> I so want to be where you are in the healing process. For me it seems like I flip flop between anger/depression and trying to move on which I find right now extremely difficult. But I just have to keep on trying. What kills me on my end is that I never got a closure, never got an appology(even if it was fake one). He just continues to live as if nothing ever happened and we just got divorced and that's it.


I'm not quite there yet, but I'm working towards it as my goal. Just for what it's worth, I never got an apology or an acknowledgement of what he's doing. I don't think I will. So you have to accept that and not wait for that form of closure. Honestly, my closure was seeing him post on her facebook page (they had no idea I could see) that he couldn't wait for her to arrive so he could hold her and never let her go. And then him and her posting pics of them together as their facebook profile pics less than 2 months after he moved out with the hope being reconciliation. It angers me that he's marching around telling people we just grew apart and it happens to people all the time. But it's BS. I do have this little fire inside that wants everyone to know what he is and know the truth. But I'm letting that go. Because in the end, what difference does it make? Plus you lose some of your dignity.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

your referring to the SMOG. every bit as real as the "fog".


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

LonelyNLost said:


> I think to some extent you'll always be angry at how you were treated. But to let go of the feeling of anger when you see the DS, and to let go of feelings of vengeance and spite and to live your life free of anger, is to truly move forward and begin healing. Getting past the bitterness is the next step on your journey. I am starting to realize that. As much as I want to scream at him, "You fvck, I know exactly what you're doing, it disgusts me, I hope you're happy with that skank!" I don't. I conduct myself with class and dignity, because HE knows what he's doing. And he knows I deserve better. In the end, it will be his loss. Then all I'll feel is pity. No more need for the anger.


I don’t intend to ever see her again but I do get strong impulses now and then to email her with how I feel and what I think and I’m pleased with myself that I haven’t done so. I would like some sort of closure and I think the only way that could come about is if we had about 10 sessions with a counsellor. I’d need a counsellor between us as I think she’s quite mental and I’m unable to handle her. She’s no longer the woman I knew, or at least the woman I thought I knew. I totally understand where Indy’s coming from.

I hope one day to be able to forgive her and let go of my anger. If I do it’ll be for old times sake.

Bob


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

LonelyNLost said:


> I'm not quite there yet, but I'm working towards it as my goal. Just for what it's worth, I never got an apology or an acknowledgement of what he's doing. I don't think I will. So you have to accept that and not wait for that form of closure. Honestly, my closure was seeing him post on her facebook page (they had no idea I could see) that he couldn't wait for her to arrive so he could hold her and never let her go. And then him and her posting pics of them together as their facebook profile pics less than 2 months after he moved out with the hope being reconciliation. It angers me that he's marching around telling people we just grew apart and it happens to people all the time. But it's BS. I do have this little fire inside that wants everyone to know what he is and know the truth. But I'm letting that go. Because in the end, what difference does it make? Plus you lose some of your dignity.


My ex H now goes around to tell people how "we had problems for YEARS". You have no idea how many times I must have hit the rewind button in my head to find a time when he has actually sat down and voiced his feelings. So far I have found none of those moments. Of course to those same people he conveniently forgets to mention his affair hoe. That angers me even more.


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## purplehaze (May 23, 2011)

Just wanted to say "notreadytoquit" loved the comment about used toys - made me smile x


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

purplehaze said:


> Just wanted to say "notreadytoquit" loved the comment about used toys - made me smile x


I stole it from one of my friends on Facebook


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