# Was this an EA or not?



## upstate_guy (Oct 28, 2010)

I'm still going through a tough time with my wife after discovering that she had been in contact with an ex-boyfriend via email without telling me about it. I know that a lot of the struggles I'm going through are caused by my thoughts and have begun CBT (cognitive therapy) to help me stop assuming the worst. I'm trying to figure out how much of this is in my head and whether or not I'm justified in having my faith in my wife shaken. Every time she gets an email or a text message I get a little twinge of panic in my chest, which I know is wrong of me.

My wife insists that she never had romantic intentions in contacting her ex, and that she was just looking for a friend with whom she had common professional interests (they are both artists and I am not). He is someone that she dated for a few months in college, then they broke up but met up for a one-night-stand about a year later, then didn't have any other contact since then. (That was 8 years ago, she and I have been together for 7 years and married for the past 1.5.)

They emailed each other approx. once a week for a 3 month period which also included a few text messages and one phone call, she told me that the phone call was only to discuss job-related issues. OM lives 7 hours away and I trust that there was no physical contact. She never told me that she was in contact with him and I only found out about it because she offhandedly mentioned that she got an email from a college friend and I put 2+2 together and confronted her about it.

Once I found out about the contact that she was having with him, I told her that I found it upsetting and she sent him an email the next day saying that she would no longer be able to talk to him because it upsets me and she made a commitment to me. I think this is a really positive sign.

My wife insists that she never wanted to pursue anything other than friendship with her ex and that she would never cheat on me. I'm struggling to take her at her word. I know that the circumstances of our relationship at the time when she contacted her ex (looked him up on google to get his email) were not great and she was not getting much attention from me. She admitted that she liked the feeling that she had a friendship of her own that I didn't know about (i.e. getting away with something), and said that she might have sounded a little flirty in the emails because she knew that nothing would ever come of it. It was a low point for her, she ended it when I asked her to, so it should be easy to move on and forget it, right? Sadly it hasn't been easy for me.

I still feel torn up about it but I'd love to be able to just get past it and take her at her word that she was lonely, looking for a friend and would never do anything to betray me. She doesn't feel like she has done anything wrong and seems to resent the fact that I lost trust in her, or at least trust that she is always honest with me. She also made a comment that she felt like I was trying to "control" her, even though this is the only instance in the 7 years we've been together when I've asked her to not be in contact with someone, specifically an ex boyfriend that she had sex with.

The fact that it went from emails, to texts, to a phone call freaks me out and leaves me wondering what would have happened next if I hadn't caught on. But I guess those are the thoughts that the cognitive therapy will hopefully help me avoid. I guess she has done what she needed to do by ending the contact, and I need to just get my thoughts right so I can stop feeling bad all the time? Our relationship is still taking a beating because she feels like she has to be extremely careful with what she does or risk upsetting me further. And it's true, small things have been setting me off lately and making my imagination run wild. But again, I know that's something that I need to work on for myself.


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## myhope (Dec 9, 2010)

i would take the fact that she didn't lie to you, AND that she respected you enough to immediately end the contact as a sign that the contact with the ex really didn't mean that much to her.

i hope therapy can help build you back up. and good luck.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Personally I think you are telegraphing weakness by going into therapy. Basically she had some mild contact with another man and now you're all screwed up about it and trying to make your head straight about her screw up. Your actions are saying that you truly fear her leaving you. That's unattractive.

I'd go the other way. Start working out, dress better, display confidence. Marriage is not what it was and at some random point in the future she may or may not leave you, or you may or may not leave her for reasons that haven't even occured yet. So work on you being the most appealing version of you that you can. If you guys stay together until you die then you'll have a vibrant time together, if you part your ways then you'll be better positioned to attract a new woman to you. Either way is a win for you.

I'd also check on her computer to see if the affair really did vanish and not just go underground. Sometimes people lie.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

My wife contacted her highschool boyfriend (whom she hadn't seen for almost 30 years) on Facebook. I was reading the "harmless" texts. They were just "old friends catching up". My wife had been faithful for all of the 24 years we were together (15 of them married). 

I told her that I felt a bit uncomfortable when he suggested that she call him rather than the computer. She assured me it was over & not to worry. 

Four months later I read a text on her cell phone that said "I want you". Again, she assured me that it was nothing but a drunk, playful mistake. 

Move forward five months and I saw a single one minute phone call to "him". I confronted her again and she said she called him but hung up before they spoke, acknowledging that she knew it was wrong to contact him.

One month later he flew into town (from the opposite coast). They had a physical meeting in the back seat of a car.

One month after that I suspected & confronted. She admitted. I threatened divorce. She attempted suicide. Spent the next 70 days in rehab.

We are now putting our marriage back together. DON'T BELIEVE A WORD SHE SAYS! INVESTIGATE! USE KEYLOGGER SOFTWARE, GET HER TEXT LOGS (my wife bought a pre-paid phone to hide her calls), USE A VOICE RECORDER AT HOME & IN HER CAR, RECORD YOUR HOME PHONE, ASK HER GIRLFRIENDS.

I wish I was more aware of things. I could have stopped some of what happened and gotten us help sooner. Goodluck.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Workingitout said:


> One month after that I suspected & confronted. She admitted. I threatened divorce. She attempted suicide. Spent the next 70 days in rehab.


Wow. I don't believe I could stay with a spouse that attempted suicide. I'm not saying you're wrong too, I just couldn't. I don't think.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

plastic899 said:


> Wrong on her part, she should have said she would no longer be able to talk to him because it is inappropriate behavior for a wife to have concealed frequent contact with an ex-lover behind her husband's back.
> 
> Even if it didn't upset you, she still shouldn't be doing it. She's just trying to blame-shift and lay a guilt trip on you.


No it was code for "my husband knows, if this is to continue we have to take it underground".


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Put a keylogger on her computer, check the phone records, and if you find nothing in a month, stop snooping.


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## upstate_guy (Oct 28, 2010)

It's been 6 weeks now since the 'no contact' email and I've checked up on her phone and computer and believe her when she tells me that she has not been in contact with him since. At some point I just have to have faith that the communication with him didn't mean much to her and it was easy for her to give it up. 

It's kind of crazy though how thin the line can be between "innocent email between friends" and "physical affair" and I think there's certainly a slippery slope from the first situation to the second, as Workingitout unfortunately experienced first-hand. Maybe reading all the stories on here and other sites made me paranoid, and maybe I didn't give my wife enough credit, but at least my intentions were good; I was concerned about my marriage. Plus, it was a wake-up call to me that I was getting complacent and creating an environment which could have produced that kind of nightmare scenario in the long run. I totally did the "well, we're married so now she's stuck with me forever" thing and forgot to keep 'dating' her / keep bettering myself.

And Athol, thanks for your advice too; I've been pursuing the self-improvement route for the past few months too and the therapy is more of a private thing that I'm doing just to help get my thoughts right. I've just been using web-based resources at this point to help me recognize how my thoughts were skewing my emotions towards various events in life. I know that telegraphing that weakness/insecurity to my wife is counterproductive and I've been trying really hard to rein that in.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I would say your response to your wife’s secret activities is perfectly natural. Why you should think you need CBT for that aspect of your life is beyond my understanding. And sometimes being paranoid about things is the correct response.

I’m one who thinks secrecy has no place in a marriage. Privacy, in the bathroom yes. Secrecy nowhere.

Sometimes it’s good to have a mega shift out of our complacency and well done for responding in a good way.

Bob


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## upstate_guy (Oct 28, 2010)

AFEH said:


> I would say your response to your wife’s secret activities is perfectly natural. Why you should think you need CBT for that aspect of your life is beyond my understanding. And sometimes being paranoid about things is the correct response.
> 
> I’m one who thinks secrecy has no place in a marriage. Privacy, in the bathroom yes. Secrecy nowhere.
> 
> ...


The CBT is because I'm viewing everything through a negative filter now; every text message or email alert that my wife receives triggers a thought in my head that makes me wonder if it's some other guy contacting her. Events that are neither bad nor good are perceived as bad because my thoughts are causing me to have upset feelings. I know it was OK for me to be upset with my wife emailing an ex, it's not OK for me to be upset when she gets an email that turns out to be from my Mom.

I'm tired of being on edge all the time and having my wife wonder what random event is going to set me off next and I am hoping that CBT will get me on the path back to optimism and positive thinking which is my natural state.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go to marriagebuilders.com or affaircare.com and get their questionnaires. Both of you need to fill them out. Then share with each other. It will give you a VERY specific roadmap back to making each other very happy.


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

Workingitout said:


> My wife contacted her highschool boyfriend (whom she hadn't seen for almost 30 years) on Facebook. I was reading the "harmless" texts. They were just "old friends catching up". My wife had been faithful for all of the 24 years we were together (15 of them married).
> 
> I told her that I felt a bit uncomfortable when he suggested that she call him rather than the computer. She assured me it was over & not to worry.
> 
> ...


Dude that's messed up, I feel sick about that one. You have one h*ll, of a lot of patience to deal with that. I hope your life goes better.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Thanks. The reality is that we frequently had conversations that "infidelity equals divorce". My wife became severely depressed over the course of a year. The patience is coming from my higher power. Unlike my wife and many others, I take my marriage vows seriously and the "in sickness and in health" part means something to me. I have to believe in the 15 years of fidelity and emotional stability prior to her "bad year" and look at the posibility of continued fidelity and emotional well being. I also have 3 kids to think about.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

upstate_guy said:


> The CBT is because I'm viewing everything through a negative filter now; every text message or email alert that my wife receives triggers a thought in my head that makes me wonder if it's some other guy contacting her. Events that are neither bad nor good are perceived as bad because my thoughts are causing me to have upset feelings. I know it was OK for me to be upset with my wife emailing an ex, it's not OK for me to be upset when she gets an email that turns out to be from my Mom.
> 
> I'm tired of being on edge all the time and having my wife wonder what random event is going to set me off next and I am hoping that CBT will get me on the path back to optimism and positive thinking which is my natural state.


It could be a simple case of personal boundaries. More likely a lack of them. Take a look at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/14963-boundaries-men.html.

A lot of us don’t even know what personal boundaries are and what they’re for.

Bob


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