# After 2 years it's finally going to happen..



## Freak On a Leash

It's time to start looking at the big "D". If you want to see what led me to this point check out my post in this thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/relationships-addiction/61362-i-feel-shattered-3.html

We've been separated for 2 years. My husband has gotten drunk, stop working, gotten sick, been detoxed, rehabed and gotten himself together and gone back to his drunken ways 3 times in those two years. 

He's on his 3rd time. Maybe his 4th? Last spring he sold the house he inherited, went back to work, got an apartment and had our 15 year old son move in with him. I was supportive of this because it would be good for my son and my husband and I wanted to live alone on my own. 

Worked good for the summer. I had a great summer being on my own and taking camping trips, kayaking, etc. But sure enough by fall I saw it starting to unravel. The drinking started again, his apartment started getting messier and I wasn't liking a lot of what I was seeing. But my son kept telling me everything was all right so it was easy enough to hope for the best. 

By Thanksgiving I knew the end was near because my husband was totally unable to cook Thanksgiving dinner as he promised. I had to do it. He ruined the holiday for us. I haven't him since. I was just digusted by the whole thing. Then I talked to my son and he told me the apartment was a wreck and my husband wasn't "feeling well". I decided to go over there and see what was up. It wasn't good. The apartment was a wreck, my son was basically taking care of himself, as well as my husband, who was again drinking rum by the quart, wasn't showering and wasn't getting my son off to school. 

I took my son home today and had a long talk with my husband. He told me had no money to give me, that he has gone through his inheritance. No kidding! He hasn't worked in 2 years, he's bought a fishing boat and every other toy known to man and has lived a rich man's life Now he tells me his father only left him 50k and he didn't get much out of the house either? I don't believe him but he's telling me that he's been paying the bills via his credit cards.

So now I've come to the decision that I have to divorce him. Why? Mainly to protect myself. If we remain married and he stops paying his bills then his debts become mine. I don't have ANY credit card debts, any loans and I've finally gotten a decent credit rating. I know he's got a loan on his boat and my daughter's car. I'm worried that my daughter is going to lose her car! I can't afford to pay it. If he starts defaulting on loans and credit card bills it's going to affect me. 

So I told him that's it..I'm going to divorce him in order to protect myself financially. He says he won't fight me on it. He told me that "maybe I'll find a better man". I really don't have any intention of finding anyone else, I just want to ensure that I can take care of myself and my son. 

So how does one get started? Can you have an amicable, cheap divorce that doesn't involve lawyers? I can't afford a lawyer. Basically I just want to separate myself from him financially and not be held responsible for the massive amount of debt that he has run up.

Can I do this? How do I do it quickly and with as little cost as possible? 

We have no real property or investments. We both live in separate apartments and have separate bank accounts. The kids aren't an issue. My daughter is 18 and my 15 year old son is now glad to be living with me after his nightmare with my husband. I have no issues with my husband visiting with my son. I'm pretty much going to have custody of my son in any case. 

I have no hatred or anger towards my husband...that's all in the past. This is all about being pragmatic and practical. I spent the night cleaning his apartment for him and am urging him to get rehab. He told me he'd do AA and he wants to get himself together. I told him I'd support him and help him but I need to protect myself and our son now. He has also told me he'd support the idea of a divorce and won't fight me on it. 

So I might as well get started..where to start? :scratchhead:


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## EleGirl

What state do you live in?


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## Freak On a Leash

New Jersey. I'm actually considering a form of Legal Separation called "Divorce of Bed and Board". Which is basically a legal contract specifying who is responsible for whom and what. You don't have to go to court and it costs nothing. You just need to have it notarized after both parties sign. 

The advantages are is that it preserves your family health care, which we have, but it separates you financially, which is my goal here. In many cases it's a step towards divorce, which it well might be but it sounds good now, provided that it is a legal and binding contract, which is what I need to check into. Just how legal and binding is it if his creditors decide to come after me? 

Disadvantages is that you are still legally married, which is bad if you want to date or remarry but I have no plans for that right now. I have enough on my plate and the last thing I want is a serious relationship with anyone else. 

I just have to research this and see what it involves. I want to get the process started ASAP because I don't know what my husband has been up to. 

12 years ago we went bankrupt to get out of credit card debt. I have worked very hard to bring back my credit rating, pay off MY credit cards every month and own all my vehicles. Last thing I want is to have pay for the party he's thrown himself for the past 2 years. It was bad enough having to watch him throw it. 

He still says "it was worth it". I told him that is a load of crap. All he has now is a really bad hangover as far I'm concerned.


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## Cooper

Go to or call the local court and ask for an annulment package, mine cost $250. As long as everything can be agreed on and the court see's the child/children are provided for it's a pretty simple process.

Good luck.


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## Freak On a Leash

That's an option too. Basically it's an amicable divorce. You divide up your assets and make agreements about custody and go before a judge, pay around $200-300 and you are done. 

I'm considering that as well, but I'm wondering how that will affect the health insurance, assuming he will still PAY it. Right now he is. I don't believe anything he tells me. He showed me his bank account with $1800 in it and said "That's all I have" but he still talks about keeping his boat, which is costing $500+ a month.

He's always been cagey and all over the place about his money and the numbers don't add up in my head, even if he has been living off his credit cards. I think he got a LOT more money from his father and selling all his property and his house and I think he's got more than he says he has squirreled away somewhere. 

If he thinks he's going to dump everything on me and spend the summer hanging out on his boat, he should think again. I told him point blank that I'll sue him for support and it'll get nasty. If he just pays the health insurance, pays off my daughter's car and my son's bill for his braces we can walk away "amicable". My daughter is basically supporting herself and I can take care of myself and my son's living needs fine. 

He told my son he'd buy him a new car like he did for my daughter but that's between him and my son. I can't afford to do that and before he bought my daughter the car she was going to buy one for herself. I do pay her car insurance for her and I'll do the same for him. Fortunately there's almost 4 years between them so I won't have double the costs because my daughter is practically supporting herself now so all I'll have to worry about is my son. 

My son is already talking about getting a summer job. Smart boy. He's 15 so it's time. He seems to have grown up a lot in the past 6 months. I think living with his father gave him some perspective. Suddenly his father isn't this wonderful buddy that will take care of his every need. Suddenly his mother isn't this horrid, nagging beotch. He seems happy to be here, if only because there's an adult taking care of HIM, instead of the other way around. 

I enjoyed my 6 months of single life but it's gonna be postponed for now. Today I'm going to get my son some decent clothes and a dresser to put his clothes in. I'm hoping my husband will be sober enough to come along and foot some of the bill. Then I gotta try and make the upcoming holiday season a decent one for the kids. 

Yes, I'm venting now. But there's no anger here. It's not like it was 2 years ago. I'm just kinda doing like I would at work. It's gotta be done and I'm the one to do it. I'm not pissed at all at my husband. I expected it but was hoping that he'd come through this time. He didn't so now it's on me....again. 

I really do want to end this cycle that keeps affecting me and my kids and just get on with life and not have a wave of debt crashing down on my head. It's all about protecting myself, not about getting back at my H. As far as custody goes, I'm obviously it for my son. I told my husband and my son that they can see each other whenever they want but my son will always be living with me. 

My husband said "I failed him." I said "Yes you did". He can add that to the list but it's not me he has to answer to. Sad.


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## Freak On a Leash

Things might get nastier. Today I went over and he told me he wasn't giving me any money to buy my son clothes and food because he doesn't have any. He showed me his bank account which showed that has all of $1800 in it and said he'd spent all of his inheritance. Yet when I asked him about selling his boat he insisted that he would be keeping it, despite the fact that it's costing him over $500/month in loans and insurance. 

I told him he IS going to pay the child support or ELSE. He said again that he has no money. He finally handed me around $75 in cash and said that was all he had. He only gave me that because he needed me to pick up his medication. That basically paid for my son's winter coat and boots, no other clothes..and he needs EVERYTHING since my husband has bought him practically nothing. My husband gave my son a bunch of old hand-me-downs that were sitting around his dead father's house! 

Well, I checked on my bank accounts and saw he'd cashed a few checks recently that I'd paid him for our daughter's car insurance (it's in his name since he bought the car) and sure enough the account numbers are different, so he obviously has more than one account and is lying. 

So I'm rethinking a legal separation and it might not even be an amicable divorce. If he thinks he can just walk away from his kids and responsibilities, he should think again. 

But my mind is made up in any case. Up to this point I was content to hope and trust that he would do right, if not by me, then by the kids. Now it seems even they aren't important and he's looking to throw everything at me. Not going to happen.


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## Chuck71

He is in denial. He is lashing out at you in any way he knows. But my gosh, you gave him chance after chance. As my dad told me years ago, 'wiggle easy until you get you head out of the lion's mouth'. Try to be reactive, he will always show his hand first.


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## in my tree

Holy hell - addiction will make people do the stupidest and cruelest things, to their own children, no less. 

Yeah, a divorce might be the way to go and if there is another account, then the judge can make him "spill the beans", no? I know you have to list all of your assests - whether you have an attorney or not. Now as far as lying, well, I guess you may need an attorney to prove that, I don't know. But if he is playing these kind of games with the finances then yes, I think getting a divorce is the smartest way to go. I am so sorry that you are going through this but in the end, you will feel better and be doing much better for yourself and your kids.


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## Freak On a Leash

Chuck71 said:


> He is in denial. He is lashing out at you in any way he knows. But my gosh, you gave him chance after chance. As my dad told me years ago, 'wiggle easy until you get you head out of the lion's mouth'. Try to be reactive, he will always show his hand first.


Ah yes, I did indeed give him chance after chance. If you want to read all about it go to my post here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/relationships-addiction/61362-i-feel-shattered-3.html

I have basically been playing the "wiggle easy" game for years now...Just trying to "yes" him while getting as much as I can for me and my kids. But I think it's time for a more proactive approach. Could get messy.


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## Chuck71

Bless your heart. Tough love is not easy but I can clearly see why. It's not like you hadn't thrown lifelines. It's up to him, commit to recover and yes, I support but only as long as you are giving 110%. 100% won't get it, that extra 10% is what you will see.


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## Freak On a Leash

in my tree said:


> Holy hell - addiction will make people do the stupidest and cruelest things, to their own children, no less.
> 
> Yeah, a divorce might be the way to go and if there is another account, then the judge can make him "spill the beans", no? I know you have to list all of your assests - whether you have an attorney or not. Now as far as lying, well, I guess you may need an attorney to prove that, I don't know. But if he is playing these kind of games with the finances then yes, I think getting a divorce is the smartest way to go. I am so sorry that you are going through this but in the end, you will feel better and be doing much better for yourself and your kids.


I KNOW it will be better. I'm convinced of it now, after today. 

Today he called me to tell me he didn't drink all day. He took some sedatives the doctor gave him to get him to stop drinking. He went on and on about how he was going to beat this become "the man he was". I asked him about helping support the kids, the health insurance..all that mundane stuff.

Right away he said "I don't have any money". Then I told him that we have to talk and soon and began to lay out the various options that I was considering. I told him it was up to him as to whether or not it will be nice or nasty but that he can't walk away from his obligations to his kids. He told me he wasn't going to be any good to anyone if he doesn't get better. I said "True". And he started going on and on about how I didn't support him and he'd start drinking again if I kept beating on him. 

So I told him that I loved him and would help him and we'd talk after he got himself straightened out. 

He calls back a few hours later, obviously drunk and telling me how I made him drink again by yelling at him (I didn't yell) and by threatening him and beating him down and he was going to become the man he was and I shouldn't talk to him unless I had something "constructive" to say, blah blah..

So yes, the usual lashing out at me, denying everything, assigning blame to everyone but himself, etc, etc. 

I don't really care about all that. I just said "So you think I'm the one who makes you drink?..Really?" and I let him rant and on about how horrible and unfeeling I was. 

But what alarms me is that he says he doesn't care about anyone, doesn't have any money and won't/can't pay anything...

So that puts me on a course that isn't very "amicable" at all. 

He'd be a lucky man if I was indeed angry. 2 years ago I was hurt, angry and going crazy. I'm not that at all now. Right now I'm being quite cold and calculating and methodical. I'm just looking to protect myself and my kids.

I think one reason he's reacting like this is because he knows that when I set my mind to doing something, it gets done. When I walk away from someone and am done with them, then I'm truly done. I haven't talked to my mother and sister in 10 years..I have no problems leaving people who make my life miserable and difficult behind. Yes, I'll give them a million and one chances but at a million and two you're toast. 

I'm pretty much at that point with him now and he knows it. 

I probably should've done this 2 years ago. A lot of my friends have told me to. But even if he gave me a hard time, he eventually paid what needed to be paid and I rather enjoyed his companionship and needed his help. Like I said, I don't like change and if things are going well enough I tend to stay the course but I see a dark cloud looming on the horizon now and only a fool drives straight into a hurricane with his convertible top down. 

He's convinced himself in some bizarre manner that he doesn't have to support his kids. He seems to expect that everyone should just sit back and let him pick himself up, dust himself off and support and love him for the FOURTH TIME IN TWO YEARS and just let him abandon his family and responsibilities, just as he blew off his customers in our business 3 times in the past 2 years. 

So I'm going to consult an attorney. Most give a free consultation. I'm going to see what my options are and I think I'm going to have to for a divorce. I want him legally bound by a court of law to support his kids. I have a 15 year old son and an 18 year old daughter in college that still need support. I can support most of their needs but there are things that I need help on and damn it, he's going to help me. 

I was hoping it wouldn't come to this but I guess it will. I guess he'll be getting served a set of divorce papers for Christmas. 

Shame, because he really isnt a bad man a. He certainly seemed amenable and rationale the other night, but that's the nature of the beast. One minute he's nice and telling me how great I am and how much he loves me and the next he's a raging lunatic who goes on to verbally and emotionally abuse me.

I used to take this to heart and cry and beg him to stop. I took a razor to myself as a result at one time. I used to drink myself to dull the pain. Now I just nod and shake my head and say "well, I guess that's that." I feel almost relieved because now there's NO DOUBT about what it is I have to do 

I was hoping we could do this and keep it friendly but I have no choice and I'm tired of the blame game, the antics and having my weekends and holidays ruined. I just want my kids and I to live peacefully.


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## Freak On a Leash

Chuck71 said:


> Bless your heart. Tough love is not easy but I can clearly see why. It's not like you hadn't thrown lifelines. It's up to him, commit to recover and yes, I support but only as long as you are giving 110%. 100% won't get it, that extra 10% is what you will see.


I don't even want to live with him anymore. We have't lived together in 2 years and I haven't missed him. At one time I was hoping we could put the relationship back together. When we first separated I was hoping we'd be able to date and do some fun and romantic things together, esp since he got some money. For awhile we did but it soon went bad again. 

This is a yearly ritual and every year I am less emotionally tied to him. I care less and less about him and I am to the point where I don't even need or want to see him and have been avoiding him. 

I LIKE living on my own. The last 6 months, when he had my son, was AWESOME. A taste of what I could have and want. 
But I can't get it just yet. I have my son to look after and my daughter still needs me too, just not as much.

As for him, if it wasn't for my kids I'd just turn and walk away. I don't need money for myself. I can support myself just fine...and one day I will. 

But while those kids are under my care he's going to support them and when a judge tells him that he has to, he will. My husband has always respected the law. He won't be a deadbeat dad. 

But then again..who knows? But I have to give it my best shot for my kids sake.


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## southern wife

Off course here, but may I ask why:



> I haven't talked to my mother and sister in 10 years


I have people in my life that are toxic and I find it difficult to really cut the cord. 

Also, I think you need to unleash the freak  on that drunk husband. He had kids with you; he needs to own up to it. The court can make him pay child support!!


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## Freak On a Leash

southern wife said:


> Off course here, but may I ask why:
> 
> I have people in my life that are toxic and I find it difficult to really cut the cord.


Why have I not talked to my mother and sister in 10 years?

Because they were toxic and I have no difficulty in cutting the cord. It was a long time in the making but once made, it was one of the best decisions I'd ever made. I think the same situation is going to happen with my husband. 



> Also, I think you need to unleash the freak  on that drunk husband. He had kids with you; he needs to own up to it. The court can make him pay child support!!


On Thursday I have an appointment to consult with a lawyer about starting the filing process. 

So the Freak is definitely off the leash...


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## Freak On a Leash

He's a real piece of work. Today I made the mistake of sending my son over there after school to wait for me until I got off work. BIG mistake. :slap: He calls up and starts going on about how he wants his desk chair back. When I moved my son out, I took the chair that he supposedly bought for my son. My son asked for it, my husband was home when I took it and said nothing. Now he wants it back. 

Plus, the PC gaming computer my husband bought my son for his birthday last year is broken so he's been letting my son use his laptop. When I moved him out we took it. Again, he knew we took it and had no problem with it. 

Today he called up saying he needs his chair and his laptop. I told him I'd come over after work to pick our son up and he could drive back to my apartment and bring the computer and we'd give him the laptop and his chair. 

Then my son called me and tells me that my husband is acting strangely, slurring his words and has been sitting out in his car drinking and smoking for hours. I told my son to walk down to the corner and I'd pick him up.

It was getting late and I was in no mood to deal with this crap. I just wanted to get my son out of there and was kicking myself in the butt for letting him go there in the first place. I figure if my husband wants his stuff so bad he can come over and get it. 

A few minutes later my husband called and asks where my son is. I told him I picked him up. He goes ballistic and says "we had a plan". I don't know what plan he had in mind but he seemed to think that I was stopping back at my house to pick up his laptop before coming over to pick up my son. I was doing no such thing. He was supposed to come to MY apartment to pick it up after I came over to get my son. 

He says "I'm coming over to pick up the laptop." I told him, "Don't come over without our son's PC computer". He says "No way, I'm coming for my laptop." He comes without the computer. I wouldn't open the door and told him, no PC computer, no laptop."

He says he's calling the cops to tell them I stole his stuff. I told him "Just bring the PC and you'll get the laptop and chair, what's the big deal?"

Now he's calling me up, drunk of course, threatening to call the police and tell them that I "stole" his laptop. But he won't bring my son HIS computer in return!

I'm half tempted to call the police in his town and tell them I've seen a car swerving down the street, obviously wit being driven by a drunk driver and give them his plate #. Guaranteed he IS drunk and THEN he'll know just what a real nightmare is. 

But I'm not up to that point yet. If he keeps it up, I will be. :gun::gun:


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## southern wife

Freak, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please do not let your son go over there without sober adult supervision. Him seeing his father in that condition certainly is not healthy for him.


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## Chuck71

It's impossible to go NC when you have children. As for the M, you pretty much have said, it is no more. But for your child's sake......offer support if he admits he has a drinking problem and seeks help.


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## Corpuswife

I think a divorce would give you more stability in regards to child support, division of assets/debts and health insurance. They can put health insurance as a part of the divorce decree. The problem is..he has to pay it or you will need to go to court and make him. But....that may happen regardless if you are divorced or not (lack of payment).

He will attempt to make excuses and promises as he always has....he's a drunk. He hasn't hit his bottom yet...maybe soon? Who knows. You are smart in protecting yourself and getting on with life. 

Sorry for the hardship but being in limbo sucks!


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## Freak On a Leash

southern wife said:


> Freak, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please do not let your son go over there without sober adult supervision. Him seeing his father in that condition certainly is not healthy for him.


I'm kicking myself HARD in the butt for having my son go over there. REALLY bad idea. :banghead: He was awful to my son. He wouldn't let him sleep on the couch "because he would mess it up". WTF? The place was a PIGSTY!! My son was so out of sorts that he called and asked if I could just come and get him ASAP and that his father was sitting outside smoking (and probably drinking) in the car. 

So I told my son to just go downstairs and go to the corner and I'd pick him up. We just left..and my husband lost his mind as a result. For what? "Because we had a 'plan' and didn't stick with it. WHAT plan? For him to come over and pick up his computer and chair? I told him to do just that and he refused to give my son back his computer! WTF?

The night I picked my son up my husband was telling me how horrible he is and seemed touched that I was helping him out and even told me to go ahead and divorce him. This is why I thought we could work things out. He honestly seemed to feel badly. He told me he failed our son and that he was a POS. 

But when I told him flat out that he couldn't just walk away from his financial obligations he started losing it. I think he realized that this time I was serious, I was really going to divorce him, because that's when he started talking about how horrible I was for "threatening him". 

Sending my son over was plain stupid. I told my son when we got back that I would arrange for cab service to pick him up. Should've done that from the start. Sometimes I just don't THINK and am too damn trusting.  :slap:


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## Freak On a Leash

Chuck71 said:


> But for your child's sake......offer support if he admits he has a drinking problem and seeks help.


For my children's sake I stuck by him when he pulled this same crap 3 times before in the last 2 years. It's over. He's on his own. He's treating my son horribly. He won't give him back the computer he bought him for his birthday! 

If he just needed my help but was still paying for the things he said he would I'd be right with him. But he uses these things as WEAPONS. He has threatened to take the car away from my daughter that he bought her on her 16th birthday at least 7 times. Every time we have a disagreement he threatens to cancel our health insurance. Now he's treating my son like dirt. 

I'm going to file ASAP and get him out of my life. My husband has always been law abiding so I'm assuming that if a judge says he has to pay support that he will..at least I'm hoping he will. I don't believe for a minute that he doesn't have any more money left. 

I'm tired of the games, the begging, pleading and the bullying. 

He is on his own as far as his "disease" goes. Three times and he's out.  You want to treat me like crap? Go ahead, but do that to my kids and it's war.


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## Chuck71

damn.......well you gave it your all. no regrets. all you can do. i can relate all too much.


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## Freak On a Leash

Things got interesting today. I guess I'm turning this into a blog of sorts. 

My H left my apartment last night threatening to call the police on me if I didn't return his laptop. He then proceeded to call 2 more times threatening the same thing. No police ever came over. At 11:30 pm I turned the phone off and went to bed. 

Woke up at 6:30 am to get my son ready for school. I cooked him breakfast and he hugged me and told me how much that meant to him! The ONE good thing about this mess is that my son and I are getting along much better than before. My son has matured a LOT and seems to appreciate being home after living with and enduring his father for 6 months. I'm trying hard to be more patient and not nag at him. 

Anyway, there were 3 msgs on my voicemail from my husband. Another threat to call the police. Then another one saying that if "I wanted the damn computer so much why did I pick our son up and just leave?". I don't know why that was such a problem and seemed to cause all this. I do know that with my H it's all about control. If he can't call the shots and control everyone he loses his mind. He's the ultimate bully. 

Last msg was that until I gave him the laptop our son couldn't come over to his apt after school. LOL! I'd already arranged cab service to pick my son up at his school and bring him home to my apt. Should've done that from the get go! 

No more msgs after 12:30 am. So at 7:20 am we head out to the parking lot to get my Jeep out of the garage. What do we see but my H parked in the parking lot, with his car parked right in front of my work truck. I told my son to get into the Jeep and we drive out of the apt complex and I take him to school. 

I quickly figured out what my H was doing. He had parked his car in front of my work truck obviously with the intent of blocking me in until I gave into his demand to return the laptop. 

I drove back, put the Jeep in the garage and walked over to him. I said, "Have you brought back our son's computer?" He told me he's not going to bring it back..that it's going to stay at his house. So ONCE AGAIN my husband is looking to take away a gift from his kids because things aren't going his way. My son has done NOTHING to deserve this! 

My H has completely lost it. He told my son when he was at his house the night before he wasn't living with him because of ME. :wtf:

So I'm looking at this crazy person and said "Why are you doing this?" His reply was "It's YOUR fault!" 

I said, "If you don't give me our son's computer then I'm keeping the laptop". 

Now at one time I would've started screaming or crying or begging him to change his mind and he would've stood there and told me all the horrible things I've done to him over the years and how I'm an unappreciative, worthless beotch who should be thanking him for putting up with me..and it would've continued until he was satisifed that that he'd totally humiliated me and ground me emotionally into dirt. THEN he would've given in, but not until he totally had wrecked me.

He did this for years and I went to the emergency room and the mental ward of the local hospital and cut myself as a result of this type of abuse. And of course it was always MY fault. 

Not this time. I looked at him for a sec, took out my cell phone and said "Well, then, I guess I'll call the police"

And I did. I told the police that my H was in my parking lot, blocking my way from getting to work and that he was drunk. I then looked at my H and said "Look at you, when the police figure out how drunk you are, then your nightmare comes to life" (If you are an Avenged Sevenfold fan as I am, then you recognize that last line  )

He said "I cleaned my car out (it was FULL of empty bottles of rum and beer cans) and haven't had a drink in 2 days so you are going to look stupid." I just said, "Well, you're here". 

Police come and they look at the situation. My husband told them that I "went into his house and STOLE his laptop when I came to pick up my son". Interesting since after I took my son home WITH the laptop I came BACK to straighten up his apartment and took my son's chair home and he said NOTHING, except to tell me how wonderful I was for cleaning things up. 

The police asked when this happened. He told them Friday. The police then asked "Why did you wait until now (Tuesday) to have a problem with this?" 

I told the police that all he had to do was return the PC computer that my H bought my son for his birthday and he could have the laptop. My H then said that he would be keeping the computer so he "supervise" my son's use on it. This from a man who would spend hours outside smoking and drinking vast quantities of booze and would leave at 3am and not tell my son where he was going or answer his cellhone when my son would call. He has a strange way of "supervising". 

My H also said he wanted to press charges against me for "stealing" his laptop. I said I'd do the same because he had property that belonged to my son. The police looked flabbergasted and pretty much didn't say much to me. Of course, I wasn't standing there with 5 days growth of a beard looking like a refugee from a homeless shelter. 

They said to me that going to court over this was ridiculous because it would be a hassle and the result would be that a judge would tell us to exchange the computers. I agreed and said I'd be GLAD to give him his laptop if he'd give back my son's PC. 

They told my H that he'd have to press charges at the courthouse and that the car would have to be moved. When he went to move it they said "You aren't driving this car, you are intoxicated."

My husband looked shocked. He seemed genuinely angry and resentful that the police didn't seem to concerned with me or the laptop but were concentrating on HIM. He said "I haven't had a drink in 3 days!" The police woman laughed and said "Really? That's not how you smell!" The other policeman said "Wanna take a poll? Does he look intoxicated to you?" They said "He looks like something"
There we were..4 cops and me looking at my husband like he was nuts and he didnt have a clue. 

End result: They took the keys from my H and took him away in the cop car, moved his car away from my truck and left. :rofl: They said nothing at all to me about the computer or anything. So..I went inside and got ready for work. 

That was at 8:30am. 10am his car was still there. At 1pm when I drove by again it was gone. I didn't hear from my H until 8:45pm tonight. I'd been hoping that MAYBE this knocked some sense to him and he'd come to his senses. Hope springs eternal.

Nope, he called up sounding very angry and drunk and left a voicemail saying that he's canceling the health insurance (he can't, it's in my name and I'm going to have to address that by the end of the month when the bill comes due), that's he's going to cancel the registration on my daughter's car (again, threatening to take her car away for the 10th time) and that my son won't have a computer (but he does have a nice laptop) and it's all MY FAULT and if it wasn't for him we woudn't have had any of these things and that I'd better call him back. 

So I saved that message along with the others he left earlier. 10 minutes later another call saying that I don't have to call back and that he's called the police at the college my daughter goes to and the police in my town (the very ones who were so impressed with him this morning) and that if they see my daughter's car they are impounding it. 

I did call my daughter to tell her all this and told that I hoped her father was bluffing but just in case she'd better take anything out of the car that she cared about. Unfortunately DESPITE the promise he made that he would give her the title to the car for her 18th birthday, he refused to do so (that would mean he would have nothing left to use for guilt trips and a way to control her and me).

He still owns the car, it's in his name so I did warn my daughter that he may very well take the car at some point. What he's going to do when he's served divorce papers is anyone's guess. 

I didn't call him back and he hasn't called back again. I don't know if he's just doing this in an attempt to bully and scare me, to make me submit and beg and cry like I used to do or if he's serious. If this were about the laptop he could've had it back in 5 minutes by giving me my son's PC.

Nope,it's all about some crazy drunken delusion that I was causing all this. Why didn't I just GIVE HIM WHAT HE WANTS? Yep that's why it's MY FAULT. 

All I know is that I have an appt for a consultation with a lawyer on Thursday evening and I want to file for divorce ASAP. I have no idea of whether or not my H can do something like take the car or the computer or if they are considered community property or his because he bought them and if he's allowed to mess with them. 

I guess that's what I'll be talking to the lawyer about. I'm really in the dark on all this. 

I can't believe I married such a complete scumba*g of a man. So much for being amicable and remaining friends. 

Now I know why I put this off for 2 years. So many of my friends said "Divorce him" when this all happened for the first time in 2010. I remember saying "I don't have it in me for a battle..he'll do everything he can to torture and hurt me." Seems he's doing just that but in 2013 I intend to fight back. 

I guess we'll see...


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## Chuck71

-HUGS- in my prayers


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## Freak On a Leash

Corpuswife said:


> I think a divorce would give you more stability in regards to child support, division of assets/debts and health insurance. They can put health insurance as a part of the divorce decree. The problem is..he has to pay it or you will need to go to court and make him. But....that may happen regardless if you are divorced or not (lack of payment).


I talked to my friend who had a similar situation. She could afford a lawyer. I definitely can not.. My H has always respected and abided by the law so I'm HOPING that if a judge tells him he has to pay child support that he will do so. But then again, this was a man that used to get up and go to work every day and cared about his children. He treated me pretty badly on and off over the years but he always was a good father and hard worker. 

So I'm taking nothing for granted. But at least if I have it all official and legal then I have avenues I can pursue. There are some serious consequences to being a "deadbeat dad" in this state. 

But if he can't or won't pay and doesn't care..well, I'll do what I have to do to support me and my kids on my own. 

Right now I can support most of our needs. The most important is the health insurance...I can simply not afford a $1000/month for health insurance. Nor can I buy my daughter or son a car. But I can pay for my son's braces and I probably can get a much lesser form of health insurance. I might even be able get assistance from the state. I will have to do my homework on this one. 

But I can keep a roof over my kids head and provide a good home. My daughter is practically on her own anyway. She is paying for all her college herself. My son is 15. In 5 years they will both be pretty much on their own, or should be and then I can make some important decisions concerning my own life and where I want to be and what I want to do. 

Most important thing is that my H will be out of my life and I can finally live peacefully. At this point I just want to be rid of him. I have no emotional ties to him. I'm not mourning the end of our relationship or marriage. I've already gone through all that in the past two years. All the crap he's pulled in the past two years has totally killed any feelings I have for him. He's totally alienated and killled any love or respect that my kids have for him. 

He will be a very lonely man soon enough. I don't envy him, even if he does have a pile of money hidden away someplace. Better to be loved and happy and poor then be like him. 

And regardless of his antics, I intend to make this a merry Christmas for my kids.


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## Freak On a Leash

Chuck71 said:


> -HUGS- in my prayers


 Thanks. I can use all the hugs and prayers I can get!


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## Freak On a Leash

No comments on the book I wrote yesterday? :scratchhead: I feel neglected. 

But I'm finding this therapeutic to write it all down and it's a good reference. So onward we go:

Today was a good day. Work went well and I got the process of transferring schools for my son started. It looks like I'll be able to get bus transport in the new school, which is good because I'm shelling out $12/day in cabfare for my son to get a a ride home from school while I'm working and it's hard on the wallet.

I called the court and they told me I can pick up the paperwork to begin filing for a D. I will do so tomorrow. I have the free consult with the lawyer tomorrow night and would like to file on Friday, 

As of right now I have not heard a peep from the H. I don't know if that's good or bad or what he's up to. I'm hoping he's crawled into a dark hole with his bottle of rum and doesn't come out anytime soon. It's safer that way. 

My daughter still has her car. She's coming home this weekend and hopefully nothing will happen with my husband and the car. I'm hoping he's just playing his usual mind-f*ck games that he does and will leave her alone. She's under enough stress with finals coming up. 

My son still has the "oh so important laptop"..which I guess wasn't so important after all.  All my H has to do is bring my son's PC computer over but that would be "giving in" and that's unacceptable in his book. 

Next two days will be busy, with the lawyer, filing, transferring my son's school and he has visits to the doctor for a check up/flu shot and to the orthodontist for his braces. My husband hasn't brought him in for the braces since late summer and he hasn't seen a doctor in 10 months! Yep, my H did a GREAT job taking care of him. NOT. 

Saturday will be shopping for food and laundry. Sunday I'm relaxing because I got a long, hard week of work ahead of me next week, it being the week before Christmas but I can use the money desparately. 

Friday I'm going to see the doctor myself for check up and mammogram. Figure I should do it while I still have health insurance. I'll have to address that soon too. 

At least I'm not cracking up like I was 2 years ago. Not being wrapped up emotionally in my H really helps. I have no feelings about divorcing him at all except that I can't wait to be free of him and his toxicity.


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## Paradise

No need to feel neglected. You are on the right track even though it is difficult. You have a good handle on your stbxh and his moods. You filing will push him towards the bottom of the barrel, however. Just make sure you protect yourself and your kids. Based on what you have written most of what he says is full of hot air but you still have to be prepared for the worst right now. This will be a major blow to him. He'll act like he cannot believe nor understand why you would want to divorce him.


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## EnjoliWoman

Writing is very cathartic. I have a journal, probably thousands of pages now - the World file got so big that I just do a separate one for each year now. 

Plus journals can be entered into evidence should you need them. The judge will ask how you can remember or know what was said/done on X date and you can say you remember because you wrote it down, then the journal is entered.


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## vi_bride04

Wow Freak, I have caught up with your thread and definitely think you are doing what is best for you and your kids.

My mom is an alcoholic. I have not spoken to her for 5 years. The toxicity she spews is why. She had not hit rock bottom yet but *hopefully* soon. My brother and sisters are very concerned and are talking about doing an intervention. I'm not sure if that will work b/c she doesn't admit that she has a problem but we'll see. I know its not the same as an alcoholic spouse, but just know there are people who understand the type of person you are dealing with. Alcoholics like your H and my mom are just so damaging to the people that are close to them. I wish they could see we just want to help them....


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## Paradise

I recently found all of my journals that I had for the past 7 years. One afternoon I actually sat down and read all of it. Put my marriage into perspective because I was able to see some things from a detached perspective now that I am a year and a half post divorce. 

I could also see how pathetic I was during the emotional fallout and was embarrassed by what I read. Even though I am far different now than I was during the "good" years of my marriage I could see where things changed. Also helped me to understand how far I've come. 

After I read all of the journals I burned them. I found that I was still stuck trying to figure things out and I was wasting my time instead of focusing on how I can move forward.


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## Freak On a Leash

Paradise said:


> No need to feel neglected. You are on the right track even though it is difficult. You have a good handle on your stbxh and his moods. You filing will push him towards the bottom of the barrel, however. Just make sure you protect yourself and your kids. Based on what you have written most of what he says is full of hot air but you still have to be prepared for the worst right now. This will be a major blow to him. He'll act like he cannot believe nor understand why you would want to divorce him.


I meant neglected because no follow up posts on my thread. I was being tongue in cheek. 

But I really appreciate the input. :smthumbup:

I'm aware of that filing may do. It's why, despite the urging from my friends and my daughter, I've avoided it for so long. I rather enjoyed my H's company from time to time and he was paying the bills, despite him giving me a hard time but it was the devil I knew and I learned to deal with it. I incorporated a lot of the tenents of the 180 and it worked well enough. Then he took my son to live with him and that seemed to work out well. It was a pretty good summer, all and all. 

But he's fallen apart again. It happened pretty quickly but the SAME thing happened last year. And the year before that. But now it's affecting my son and he's giving me the BS about "running out of money" and throwing heaps of guilt on me and I've really just had enough. 

One thing this summer did was show me that my life is BETTER without him. I've been avoiding his company lately. I don't want to waste my time spending it with him. He has nagged me about "when are we going to see each other" and the fact, I DON'T want to see him! 2 weekends ago I didn't return his calls and told him I was sick because I was happier without him and didn't want to deal with him at all. 

He once actually said to me "Are you going to divorce me?". What's amazing is that I used to say that to HIM. He was always threatening to divorce me. He threatens to do bad things a lot. 

I don't threaten,I do. When I say I'm going to do something, it's as good as done. It takes awhile for me to get moving but when I move, I move fast. He knows that. I told him I was going to divorce him the night I picked up my son and he was feeling sad and remorseful and told me that I should. He stated that he wouldn't fight me and I deserved a better man. I told him it wasn't about finding another man but it's about protecting my kids and myself. He seemed good about it. 

But that all changed the next day. I don't know if he sobered up or what happened but when I started telling him that it could be easy or hard and outlined the various options (legal separation, uncontested divorce, getting a lawyer and making it nasty) he went nuts and started yelling at me that he didn't need my threats and anger and that we should take time apart. He said that unless I told him that he was worth saving and loved him I should shut up and stay away. Whew!

That turned into the "I must have my laptop fiasco" and so on. Predicting my husband's behavior and mood is like predicting the weather. You never know what will happen, you can only make a guess and hope for the best. 

I haven't heard from him yesterday and today. Today I began the process of transferring my son to his new school. I also went over to the county courthouse and picked up the divorce papers and plan to fill them out and hopefully file tomorrow.

I do have an appt to talk to a lawyer tonight for free consult so I don't want to do anything until I get some more input but my plan is to file tomorrow. I'm also filing a form to waive the $250 filing fee. I figure it can't hurt. $250 is a lot of money right now. Having my son here is hitting my pocketbook hard. 

Getting the papers will likely unhinge him. He's been telling me lately how much he loves me, how I'm his only friend, etc, etc. It's actually true. He no longer sees most of his friends, has no family outside of me and the kids and does nothing all day but smoke and drink. For awhile he was kayaking and he did go out on his boat once in awhile but he really has no life. Now he's going to have to face the reality that what little life he has may be lost. 

He has been saying to me all the things I would've killed to have heard from him 2 years ago..or even a year ago, although I was starting to move away from him this time last year when he was falling apart again. Then come springtime he put himself together and we got closer over the spring and summer and here we are now AGAIN. But this time there won't be any reconciliation. I really am ready for the D. I want it. I want peace for myself and my kids. 

It's going to be awhile before I get peace though. I'm aware of that but mentally and emotionally I'm in a good place. I'll get through it. I'm just taking it one step at a time. I gotta hold it together for my kids. 

If it wasn't for them I'd just let my husband go and not ask for anything but they are his kids too and he's not walking away from them financially. What he does physically, mentally and emotionally is up to him but he's going to bear his part of the responsibility of paying for their care. If he doesn't want to help raise them, then fine but he's going to pay something towards them. Or at least it will be set forth on paper legally that he has to help support them. 

Usually he is full of hot air but this is a man who has blown off work and customers continuously and at one time I would've said he never would've done that. He's done it 3 times in the past 2 years. I won't be surprised at anything. Fortunately we are separated in most ways but we still have ties, like with the health insurance and my daughter's car. I told my kids to be ready for anything..that things could get nasty. 

It's a shame because they don't have to be nasty. I'm not asking for anything that he hasn't been doing already. I just want it guaranteed and I don't want to be fighting, begging, pleading and worrying about it like I do now. I'm tired of the threats and games. 

He will blame me for everything. I'll be the bad person. He'll villainize me just like he has with our daughter. He says she's spoiled and bratty and arrogant and she's the complete opposite but she has basically told him to kiss off so now he dumps on her. I guess I'm next and he's doing a bit of that to our son too. 

I don't know what "bottom" is. I think he's hit it already..at least he has with me and the kids. What he does with himself is not a concern of mine. As I told my daughter, I'm not out to get back at him, or start a war, or prove a point. I just want him to support our children and get him the heck out of my life.


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## Freak On a Leash

EnjoliWoman said:


> Writing is very cathartic. I have a journal, probably thousands of pages now - the World file got so big that I just do a separate one for each year now.
> 
> Plus journals can be entered into evidence should you need them. The judge will ask how you can remember or know what was said/done on X date and you can say you remember because you wrote it down, then the journal is entered.


I find it good to write and sort stuff out. I can write a lot. LOL! Plus I might need to have everything written down so I can refer to it. I had been writing down in my appointment book dates that my husband did things..when he moved out. When he stopped work and when he called and told me to pick up my son. I'm good at remembering dates and things but it's good to have a reference. 

Plus I like getting the feedback from everyone here. It's good to know I'm not alone.


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## Freak On a Leash

Yesterday night I consulted with the lawyer. He pretty much confirmed that I can't afford a lawyer. He seemed impressed at how resolute I was about getting a divorce. I guess he sees a lot of people who are still unsure. 

He did say that all debt acquired during the marriage is both of ours but he said there's room for the judge to decide who gets what, depending on the circumstances..that it isn't necessarily 50/50. He did say the best action was to come to an agreement with my H. 

That's like predicting the weather. He might be ornery and irrational, or remorseful and cooperative or just a rat a*ss bastard. One never knows. I haven't heard from him in over 2 days and hopefully that's a good thing. My daughter is home now until Tuesday and still has the car. My son still has the laptop and there hasn't been a peep from my H since he called up slurring his words and threatening to cut us off.

The real test will be at the end of this month as to whether or not the insurance company sends a late/cancellation notice. That'll mean he hasn't paid the premium for this month. I'll have to deal with that when it happens. Unfortunately he never pays until the 30 day grace period is up so I won't have much time once that happens.

I have made sure to get all of mine and my children's check ups done so we are up to date. If we do have to shop around for new insurance it won't be nearly as good as what we have now so I want to make sure we have seen everyone we need to have seen. I brought my son for a check up/flu shot yesterday and got my yearly mammogram today. 

The health care/insurance situation in this country is deplorable but don't get me started.  If it wasn't for the health care I'd have a lot more leverage with my H than I do now.

I took my son to his orthodontist and found out that my H is a month behind on the payments. I bought myself some time by having them bill him...and made sure to give them his current address. He had conveniently "forgot" to that despite him living at his apt since May.

Last night I filled out the D paperwork. I specified that our D be as a result of "separation for more than 18 months with no possibility of reconciliation". It's no fault. I want it known officially that we are indeed completely separate. For two years he's been saying that we are separated but married. It's now going to change and take on the more tradional definition of separated and headed for divorce. 

I put in a waiver for the filing fee, which is an astronomical $275. :slap: Combined with the sheriff's fee to serve the papers it''s around $300. That's two weeks worth of groceries and my entire budget for the holidays. Unfortunately with the courts closing for Christmas it will be January before a judge decides whether or not to waive the fee. If it's waived, it'll be worth it but if I have to pay then I'll be pretty POed. But IMO it is worth giving it a shot. After the fee is paid or waived things happen pretty quickly. 

I was hoping to give my H his papers as a Christmas present, especially since he proposed to me on Christmas eve, but I guess it'll have to wait. Maybe it's a good thing because I'm not sure how he'll react and if he flips out I'd rather not have him messing up yet another holiday. 

My daughter came with me to finish the paperwork and bring it to be filed. I was so glad to have her there. She's great company and tends to calm me down and keep things in perspective. She's a great kids. She helped me make copies of everything and we brought it to the office and got my receipt and now it's "hurry up and wait." But at least it's done. I do feel better. We had a nice lunch and treated ourselves to gelato and I came home and took a 3 hour nap. 

Things are rolling along otherwise. My son has an appointment to be registered for his new school on Tuesday. I'm hoping he'll get bus transportation, which will be a huge help but even if I have to drive him or arrange pick up via a cab it'll be a lot less money because the in district school is 2 miles away vs 10.

It's the same high school my daughter went to so it's a good school (she loved it) and my son seems to have accepted the idea of going there. I was told by his current school that since his father was in district he could've stayed at the school he is at now as long as his father stays where he is living (which contradicts what I was told by the high school in my district) but his father's situation is so unstable that I won't take that chance. I'd hate the idea of my son having to move at a later point, when he starts getting friends is used to being at his high school. 

I got my son updated on his shots at the doctor and his orthodontist check up. He has new clothes so he is set there. He seems reasonably happy and content for a 15 year old boy.

I've started the divorce process. My work schedule is filled right up into early January and the weather is supposed to be mild so barring anything unexpected things are going along as smoothly as possible. If my H stays away and leaves us alone and actually pays this nonth's health insurance, life is pretty good. If he doesn't then there's yet another bridge to cross. 

Both my kids are home now and hanging out in the living room with me. Everyone seems happy and content. I'm glad that my H is leaving us alone. I'm not sure WHAT is up with him. He could be sitting in his car consuming vast quantities of rum and cigarettes or in the hospital or dead. I have no idea and don't really want to know. Out of sight, out of mind for now. 

Tomorrow we go food shopping for the week. My daugher is home 'til Tuesday and then she has to go back to take exams. I have a long, hard week at work coming up so after food shopping and laundry tomorrow I plan to pretty much stay home and relax. I'm sitting and drinking a glass of wine and mellowing out. 

Life is pretty good. If only I was going skiing. I saw some guys in my parking lot loading up some skis on the top of their car and asked them where they were going. They said "Vermont". If my H hadn't pulled all this crap my plan was to do the same with my daughter in January.

I'd been saviing my Christmas tips for us to go on a mid week ski vacation but now I'm watching every penny and some of my tip money will be spent on Christmas gifts as I wont have my H helping me out. I don't want him to help me out either because than I'd have to deal with him. Better to do it myself. 

Besides, I can't leave on a vacation now with my son living with me and going back to his new school in January. Best I can hope for this season is a few day trips and maybe an overnighter. But there's always next winter...Hopefully. And a lot more is going to happen between now and then. It's hard to believe that only a few weeks ago my biggest worry was where I was going to go skiing. 

I'm just taking it one stop at a time. At least I have plans to go to a cool New Years party with my Meet up group and I bought tickets to a Papa Roach concert in January. Merry Christmas to me. The real present is when the sheriff delivers the papers to my H. :gun:


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## Freak On a Leash

Things got really bad today. The STBXH called and said that I'd BETTER call him back or it's "going to get expensive."

So I did. Basically he lawyered up. (so much for him not having any money). He told me to surrender his laptop and bring my daughter's car back or else he would take legal action, which included filing a suit against me and impounding her car. The way he phrased things and laid it out I knew that this was no bluff. When you've known someone for over 30 years you know them well. 

I had warned my daughter this could happen. Technically the car is his. He also talked about what he and his lawyer would and could do. I have enough bad stuff in my past so he could make me out to look like a crazy person, a bad wife and an incompetent mother. I can't afford a lawyer and my talk with the one lawyer I consulted did confirm what he was saying..that everything we owned and owed was marital property. 

I'm not too interested in anything he has. He doesn't have much, but I have a nice Jeep Wrangler I want to keep and I don't have the money for a lawyer. I can't fight him on much. What the lawyer did tell me is that I should try as hard as I could to work with my husband.

So I went over there with the laptop and my son. I was hoping that maybe if he saw my son he'd at least give him back the gaming PC that he bought for him. No dice. He refused to give my son his PC despite my son begging him to. He told me I'd better have my daughter's car back by Monday morning. 

I decided to cooperate and said that I'd bring it back. I brought my son home and came back and we talked and I calmed him down and he said if I did't give hm a hard time we might be able to work something out. He indicated that he wanted 50/50 custody (my son says "no way"). He wasn't happy that I transferred my son out of his school into the one in my district. I told him he left me with no choice. He told me he couldn't care for my son anymore so now he's with me. I can't afford to keep paying cabfare to get my son home after school. He said I could pick my son up at his apartment after school. I said that wasn't going to work and that he was going to the same high school that my daughter went to and he'd be fine. 

Suddenly he's all concerned about my son? Really? He barely took care of him this past month and blames my SON for not getting up to go to school and for not cleaning the apartment. He called him lazy and immature. He's 15 years old and his father would leave him alone for hours and not tell him where he was and he wants to have custody? :wtf: 

He basically said "I'm not giving you any money. So this isn't about wanting to be with my son but about giving ME money!

Basically I "yessed" him for an hour and tried to calm him down telling him that there was no need to get lawyers involved and have a costly divorce, that we could draw up a contract ourselves and would work with him. After awhile he did calm down and we left on more or less amiable terms. I just wanted to get the hell out of there. 

I went home, called my daughter and she wanted to go over and talk to her father. I warned her that her brother, who her father until recently had a much better relationship with, tried to talk to her father and came up empty handed. My daughter wanted to tell her father that she would buy the car from him, to pay off what remained of the loan, which we figured was around $5000. 

We went over and my daughter offered to pay him for the car. He refused saying that he'd let her know which dealership had it and she could arrange it with them. I told him that a dealership would mark up the price twice as much so couldn't she just pay off the loan as it was? Again, he refused and said the car had better be back at his house or else. Then he started telling my daughter she was an a-hole who deserved this. That led my daughter to call him a slime sucking drunk who should go to hell and he yelled that she can't talk to her father like that, to which she replied that he wasn't her father. That didn't end well. 

I just said to him. "We will have the car here by tomorrow." I was afraid to say anything more. 

I told my daughter that we'd buy another car..and it would be HER car. I'd help get a loan. She said she'd pay for the car if I could pay for the insurance. I told her that we'd shop for a car over her christmas break. I've bought many cars over the years, this is one thing I know I can do. It won't be new but it'll be hers and this madness that her father has put her through will finally stop. 

I'm going to buy my son another computer for Christmas. I just bought one and it won't be as good as his Alienware but it will be something he can use. If he does get his PC back from his father than worst scenario is that we have an extra and at the rate I've been going through computers that may not be a bad thing. 

Amazingly enough, my husband told me that he wasn't going to be with us for Christmas! :rofl: As if he were invited. 

I have to work with my husband on this and give in. Sometimes one has to lose a battle to survive the war. If my H gets a lawyer into the mix the lawyer will bring up a host of things I did 15 years ago and this will become all about me. I need to keep this amicable and see what I can do to make this the least painful situation possible.

I have about a month before fee waiver is decided and the divorce papers I filed go through. If the fee is waived, then it goes through and if I have to pay then I will but I at least have to try. As far as I can see my H hasn't filed anything. He seemed astonished at how much I knew about the divorce process and when I told that I too had talked to a lawyer he said "You did talk to someone!". 

He seems to think that he has to do everything this lawyer tells him to do and I said that wasn't the case. She's giving him advice and it's up to him as to whether he should do it but if he wants to have a divorce that isn't costly or bitter than we should sit down and work things out and get a mediator if needed. 

My H isn't doing well. He looks like hell, is chugging rum and coke like crazy and told me that he has to go to the hospital to get his liver checked. I can only imagine the shape his liver is in. He still says he has cancer and they are checking to see if it's spread. He told me in October, 2011 that he has pancreatic cancer and it's in remission but I don't believe it. I've never seen anything that indicated that. He claims he had it in the last 6 months that we lived together but I was on top of his schedule and there was never any indication that he was getting chemotherapy as he claimed. He said the only he told was his father and his father is dead so there's no way to confirm that. 

In October of last year, he was admitted to the hospital for detox and blood clots year and no one at the hospital seemed to think he had cancer. He'd never been seen or admitted about it. He told me he want for "experimental treatment" at the U of Penn. Who the heck knows WHAT he has or doesn't have? I just know that he's extremely unstable and he's physically not well. 

If he dies then he will not have doen so without inflicting a lot of pain and suffering, that's for sure. He might or might not have cancer but he's a cancer to everyone around him. He's def sick in the head. 

My daughter and I went shopping for food after her confrontation with him. I dropped $179 on food for all of us. He doesn't pay a dime right now for anything. I'm keeping all my receipts and am going to seek legal aid for advice. I don't want to go down without a fight. I at least want to know what I'm in for. Do my kids get to speak with the judge? Seems my son can't decide for himself who to live with until he's 18 but does the judge take into consideration what my son has to say? 

Unfortunately, if I hammer out an agreement with my H and have to agree to 50/50 custody then I have to stick with it but if my H's past actions are an indication then he'll screw up at some point. Fortunately my daughter is out of the loop but technically in NJ you have to support your college age child as well. 

My H is talking about applying for disability and medicare. Anything to keep from working! I'm wondering how he can afford to stay in his $1200/month apartment and pay $500/month to keep his precious boat, as well as support our son half the time. 

Damn, I wish I could afford a lawyer! 

Speaking of "afford", I was told by my STBXH that he wasn't going to pay any more health insurance (another threat he often made and I had to beg and plead for) so I'm going to have to look into options for that as well. 

I keep telling myself to hold on, that it WILL get better. My daughter has calmed down. We dropped the car off a few hours ago. I just want to kill my H. We have the best kids! They are wonderful, well behaved..downright awesome! And he's spitting all over them. I told him that he's going to grow old alone, that he doesn't realize what he's doing. But he doesn't care. He just spews forth a bunch of vitriol about how the kids are horrible to him and they deserve this and have it coming to them and of course it's all my fault because I've been a horrible wife and mother over the years. 

Oh well. I guess I'm just going to have to weather this storm. My H told my daughter that it's "because your mother wants a divorce." I asked him if he would stop if I didn't get one. He hesitated and said "It's too late." 

It doesn't matter, even if he told me that he'd give my daughter back the car and my son back his computer and paid the health insurance, I'd still get the D. I want it more than ever. If this was a test about how determined I am to divorce his sorry a*ss then I passed.


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## Freak On a Leash

This is amazing. My H just called at freakin' 3:30 am in the morning. We dropped my daughter's car off hours ago. He's mad because we only left one key. Yes, there are two and the other is in her dorm room an hour away. She's getting a ride back up to school on Tuesday and I told him I'd get it to him then. NO, he wants it tomorrow (Sunday) or else! She's studying for finals and the last thing she is going to do is drive over 2 hours to pick up an extra key! 

This man will NOT let us rest!  I gave him the laptop. I gave him the car with the one key and told him he'd get the other in in 48 hours and he kept saying "I'd better get it by tomorrow evening or else". Then he kept going on about how my daughter f*cked up and who carries one key, blah blah". The kid doesn't need two keys to drive the car! She didn't know he was going to take the car back when she came home this weekend! :slap: :banghead:

He is out of his mind. He just won't let me be. He won't be happy until he drives us all as crazy as he is. 

I was hoping to appease him but he seems worse than ever. I guess my daughter calling him names didn't help either.


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## Chuck71

In many cases, if the child is around 12-13 the judge would take their thoughts into consideration. The older the child is the more their choice of who to stay with has merit. Your H should be a finalist for the top ten a-holes of the year. But bear in mind, he will want 50/50 to keep from paying any C/S. It's usual to want to lash out at you but.....the kids? He will regret that in more ways than he could ever imagine down the road.


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## Freak On a Leash

LoveDr. said:


> Dont kill yourself trying to help someone who obviously doesn't want to help himself. I understand since kids are involved it makes the situation a bit tougher but at the end of the day you have to do what's best for you and your children. Having a drunk as a husband is not the answer.


I'm not trying to help him at all. I am WAAAY past that. I praying that he drops dead! :banghead: I just want him to leave me and the kids the hell alone? Hasn't he done enough? He got his friggin' laptop and the car back and he's calling me at 3:30 am about the other key? It's up at my daughter's school an hour away and he'll get it by Tuesday! NOTHING seems to get this guy off my back. He talks about taking MY car just to "get back at me." He's going to hire a lawyer to get car that's worth maybe $5k just because he knows that I want it? It's my only car besides my work vehicle!

He's taken everything he can from me and my children! He won't rest until we are homeless and/or going crazy like him. 

I'm trying to be amicable and come to terms and he's going on and on about stuff that happened 15-20 years ago. He says he's going to tell everyone that I'm strung out on valium! I have the pills but rarely take them because they make me tired! I can't have a prescription for valium? I feel like I'm living in some sort of bizarro world. :slap:

I have to talk to someone who is NOT looking to take a ton of money out of my pocket and just get some solid advice. No one seems to be able to give me any. Can this guy really make my life this miserable? Take my car, my kids and basically set out to bankrupt me? 

Soon I'll have no health insurance so I won't be able to even get sick but he's going to make me sick with all the crap he's dumping on me. :banghead: 



Chuck71 said:


> In many cases, if the child is around 12-13 the judge would take their thoughts into consideration. The older the child is the more their choice of who to stay with has merit. Your H should be a finalist for the top ten a-holes of the year. But bear in mind, he will want 50/50 to keep from paying any C/S. It's usual to want to lash out at you but.....the kids? He will regret that in more ways than he could ever imagine down the road.


My son is 15 and as it stands now, my STBXH has done everything he can to alienate and disgust a boy who used to worship his father. He's doing the same thing to him that he did to his sister. He does NOT want to visit is father at all. 

My husband is so mentally unstable and abusive I can't stand the idea of my son going there. He's devious though..he's cleaning the apartment NOW because he knows it will look bad if anyone comes to check things out. The place was a complete wreck. I tidied it up some last week and my H said "you didn't do the dishes". I couldn't do the dishes because there were so many the water was overflowing the sink faster than I could empty it! When I told him that he told me I was lazy. :banghead: It's f'in amazing..the things that come out of his mouth. 

And yes, my husband said that he wants to go 50/50 because "no way is he paying child support and giving me money." 

With him it's all about money...it always has been. I wish he'd just choke on his rum and die! 

There is karma in this world. He will be a very lonely man. He will be sick and no one will care for him. Holidays will come and he'll spend them alone. He will never know his grandchildren. When he does die, no one is going to pay for or be at his funeral. He will die a forgotten, bitter man and at the rate he's drinking, he won't be old. 

He says he has "plans" for this Christmas and he "won't be alone". I think he intends to freeload off his friends. Well, his friends are my friends too and when this is all over intend to fill them in on what my husband has done to his kids. I'm sure they will be very impressed. Not. 

And his family? His brother is a drunk just like him and has disappeared for the past 2.5 years. He didn't even show up at his father's funeral. Everyone else are cousins he hasn't seen in 25 years. 

He even thinks he'll find someone else! LOL! My condolences to the next one he fools. 

I so want to be rid of him. He ruins every holiday and almost every weekend. I'm so sick of this. Every year it's the same damn thing. 

I bought my son a new computer and monitor. I'm not going to let that kid wake up on Christmas morning and have nothing. And I'm going to find my daughter another car. I'm not letting this man destroy my kids! 

I should buy him a case of rum for Christmas, so he can hasten his own demise.


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## Freak On a Leash

My STBXH called at 2pm asking when the key would be dropped off. I told him again that I wouldn't be able to get it to him before Tuesday. He told me that just getting one key was unacceptable and that EVERYTHING that belong to the car has to be returned or else he would file a complaint against my daughter and she would hae to go to court, pay court costs, etc, etc. 

I said to him, "Can't you have a heart on this, I'm going to have to drive all the way up to get this key. I have things to do today and need some rest, why can't you give me a break?" 

He said, "Yes, I paid a lawyer $400 for advice on getting the laptop and car back and I am damn well going to follow her legal advice so our daughter had better get it back or else I'm filing charges against her. It's not your problem anyway, it's her problem.". No, unlike him I don't abandon my children. She had no way of driving there because he wouldn't even let us take her car (which still had more than half a tank of gas that SHE paid for in it) to drive up there to get it. 

Finally I said "Ok, we give the key to you and then are we cool?" He said, "Yes, then we can work on the divorce." Well, at least it's going to be a few weeks before we get to that so I have time to prepare. 

So I had to drive her an hour and a half and used the rest of the gas in my Jeep up to her college and back to get a KEY. I put it in an envelope and slid it into the mail slot of his door as he instructed. Fortunately he wasn't home. He was out getting more booze because I drove by the liquor store and sure enough, there was his car in the parking lot. 

Maybe he'll just drink himself into a coma and do all of us a favor. 

I purchased a new computer, monitor and desk for my son through my interest free credit line at Amazon. Those are to be his Christmas presents. For my daughter, I'm working on finding her another car. I did put a note in the envelope with the key offering to pay my H the remainder of the loan. That way he wouldn't have to sell it. I doubt he'll do it though. He'll take a loss on that car rather than sell it to my daughter just to be mean and spiteful. 

So yet another project to add to my list.  I can't wait to start negotiating the divorce itself. It should be REAL fun. Not. :banghead:


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## Paradise

Question: Why are you allowing him to push you around? There has to be other options. He's going to piss and moan about everything all the way through this entire debacle and you are going to be broke and struggle to raise your kids. I'm sorry, but it sure does sound like you are giving in to his every demand. He's going to challenge every little item through this divorce and make it a long, drawn out process. He'll find ways to prolong it because deep down he will know that once you and the kids are gone then it will probably be for good. Your son is 15. He doesn't have to go to his house. I do not understand if he is indeed and alcoholic why he is even thinking he can get 50/50 custody. 

I'm sorry, but some of this makes no sense to me.


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## Freak On a Leash

He most certainly is an alcoholic. He's been in detox and rehab 3 times in 4 years. One time he detoxed himself. And if a judge awards him 50/50 custody then my son will have to visit him. I can monitor what happens from that and challenge it if he doesn't take care of him like he did before (and most assuredly I will!) but how do I fight him on this? 

It all makes no sense at all to me either. Seems the only way you can get justice is to go bankrupt hiring a lawyer unless you are two reasonable people who can sit down and work out an agreement. 

I certainly am not the type to be pushed around but when I've tried to take a stand it's made things worse. I wouldn't let him take the laptop until he gave me the computer and next thing I know he's talking to a lawyer. What should I do? Allow myself to miss work and incur a ton of legal costs to me and my daughter to prove a point? :scratchhead:

The man says he's broke but he is most assuredly NOT. He won't give me a dime to to care for my kids. He just told me to take our son and now he blames ME for it. 

If he was broke he wouldn't be living or acting the way he is. He's racking up his credit cards and will probably default on them and he's mentally unstable. I need to get out of this marriage ASAP. I probably needed to get out of it 2 years ago but I was too weak. 

He knows just how to push my buttons. I HAVE done some bad stuff albeit it's been 15 years ago, but a good lawyer can and will make this all about me, not him. I can't afford a lawyer. Period. So what am I to do? 

I plan to contact legal aid and seek out advice about what I can expect but I just want to get out of this marriage and retain what little I have. You don't realize how toxic and nasty this man is. And he was like this BEFORE he started drinking. I myself have had mental/emotional issues since childhood and he abused me and tortured me for years. 

It wasn't until the past 5 years that I have grown strong enough to take a stand and only now do I feel competent enough to go through this process because at long last I can honestly that I do not love him. 

So again, I ask. What do I do in the face of a man with absolutely no conscience, no morals, no compassion who drinks like a fish and can afford a lawyer while I most certainly cannot? I am only trying to protect myself and kids. I have no family or support network. My kids have no one but me. 

Some advice on this thread would be great because I see threads that are 50 pages long but few seem to input on this one. Probably cuz I write such long posts.


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## vi_bride04

Freak On a Leash said:


> So again, I ask. What do I do in the face of a man with absolutely no conscience, no morals, no compassion who drinks like a fish and can afford a lawyer while I most certainly cannot? I am only trying to protect myself and kids. I have no family or support network. My kids have no one but me.


Make him go through the process of legally getting the items back. I really feel his threats are just that...threats. I don't think he would follow through with anything but if he does, what's the worse that can happen? You have to give the items back. Don't just roll over and give in to this jerk. Make him work for whatever he wants. You giving in everytime he throws a fit will just make things more difficult for you and your kids in the long run.


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## Freak On a Leash

vi_bride04 said:


> Make him go through the process of legally getting the items back. I really feel his threats are just that...threats. I don't think he would follow through with anything but if he does, what's the worse that can happen? You have to give the items back. Don't just roll over and give in to this jerk. Make him work for whatever he wants. You giving in everytime he throws a fit will just make things more difficult for you and your kids in the long run.


Well..He could file charges and I'd have to go to court and lose time and money. He threatened to do the same to my daughter as well as stick her with court costs, impound fees, towing, etc if she didn't give the car back and unfortunately it is his car. Registered and insured in his name. He said he was going to give her the title at age 18 but decided not to do it because "she's a spoiled brat."..which is the furthest thing from the truth! 

There's a lot going on now. This is my busiest time of year. Business has been off this year and I'm finally booked enough work to actually make some money. Too bad I've had to spend quite a bit dealing with all this. And I'm trying to file for divorce and put together a case against my husband. 

I've been writing down and compiling everything that he's said or done in the past two years..and he's done quite a bit. I've kept a written record of what he's done and when and I'm organizing it all. 

I tried to fight him on this laptop but there comes a time when you have to know when to give up so you can survive to fight on. Eventually I'll get what's coming to me, I just have to be methodical and patient about this and not let my anger and digust with him take over..and believe me, I'm both angry and disgusted at his behavior. 

So he's got his laptop and his damn car and he's yanking my health insurance (I'm working on replacing that now). There's not much I can do right now until things progress. I've ordered a new computer for my son, am going car shopping for my daughter after Christmas and am shopping for affordable health insurance. 

My husband won this round but he's effectively turned his kids against him and I have a good case against him for all the crap he's pulled. Eventually the tide will turn against him and in my favor. Stay tuned.


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## Chuck71

Honey it's not who wins the battle but who wins the war. the sad part is, in a war, some one "dies". it's sad but that is how the world is. My wife told me awhile back it was too late. Tonight she fixed my fav meal. And I had to tell her it was too late. u tube mitch malloy nobody wins in this war


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## Freak On a Leash

At the rate my STBXH is guzzling rum I'll lay bets that he'll die first. 

After we returned the car with BOTH sets of keys this past Sunday I haven't heard anything from him. Thank goodness. I guess he's climbed back under a rock like most vermin do when they are finished feeding. 

Got my son registered in his new school. He gets bus transportation to and from schoool which is a REAL help! I was paying $15/day to get him home from the school he was at before! $75/week!  

I have ordered him a new computer and monitor with a desk for Christmas. My daughter was driven back up to school by her boyfriend. Finding her another car is in the plans for her break. She returns from taking exams on Friday. 

Got my daughter health insurance through her school. I found a reasonably priced plan for myself but fortunately my son may be eligible for free health insurance from the state. Am applying for that as well as reduced cost meals at school. 

I can use all the help we can get. A few more days of work and then I'll be doing some christmas shopping. My daughter says she doesn't care what she gets, she's just glad her father won't be around to mess up another holiday. 

Amen to that.


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## sayjellybeans

Whew, Freak on a Leash. I read it all and my heart was racing the whole time from frustration and helplessness. 
I have no input on how to deal with this sick man, except if he tries to contact you, tell him to have his lawyer send you the paperwork (regarding whatever crap he's trying to pull that day), and hang up. Someone more experienced may have some input on whether that's legally unwise or not. 

You are so close to having all your extraneous ties to him cut, looks like your insurance and custody are the final issues. 

Have you looked into legal aid in your area? In Dallas, they take family law cases, and you can check to see if you qualify online. And what about grocery help, what would it hurt to apply? That little bit off your shoulders for six months could would be a relief.


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## Freak On a Leash

He hasn't tried to call me since we gave him back his stuff last Sunday. I'm wondering how he's going to deal with Christmas. He told me that he wasn't coming over (DUH!..as if he were invited! :slap and that he had plans. 

:rofl: Plans? Who with? He has some cousins that he hasn't seen in decades, except at his father's funeral and he was totally wasted that day. Other than that all of his friends (which are my friends too) are married and do things with their families so what is he going to do? :scratchhead:

My son says he probably won't even realize what day it is and my daughter is thrilled that he won't be here. I always tried to include him in holidays for my son's sake but he's effectively killed that because now even he doesn't want him here. If he comes here I'll tell him to leave and if he doesn't I guess he gets to say "Merry Christmas" to the local police.

I'm getting new health insurance. The idiot didn't pay up our insurance for December. He would NEVER pay up in full and always waited until the 30 day grace period was up before he'd pay..so basically he was always a month behind. Well sure enough, this month I took my son to the doctor and I went for my annual mammogram and now it may not be covered if the insurance doesn't pay it due to non payment so I guess that's something else I'll have to add to the pile.

Fortunately our family doctor is well aware of my situation since she once treated my husband and I'm sure I can work out something with her to pay the bill for my son's visit and mammograms aren't expensive. If I have to pay for these visits myself, I will. 

I know that my H has seen the doctor more than I have this past month so he's effectlvely shot himself in the foot. He's pretty sick and sees the doctor a lot it seems. You'd think one of them would've thought to hospitalize him by now.

As for custody, I'm building my case against him. I'm going to consult legal aid as well after the New Year. I have some time off the first week in January (when I supposed to go skiing with my daughter before this all happened) and I'm going to get a lot of this stuff done. Right now everyone is in holiday mode, including myself. I've been working like crazy and need a rest. 

Got my son in his new school, got the insurance taken care of, my son has a new computer and am going to look for a new car for my daughter and the paper work for the D is filed so I'm moving along. If my STBXH stays away all will be good. He's ruined enough holidays.


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## Freak On a Leash

The blog continues:

Christmas 2012. In 1989 my H proposed marriage to me. I stupidly said "yes" and thus took a turn down a road that I have since regretted. 

In 2008 we were on the verge of a divorce. On Christmas Eve of that year he started talking to me, told me that he didn't want a divorce and we should start fresh..to "reconcile". We spent all night talking and I decided to give it another go. It looked like were making real changes and for just over a year I had the marriage I always wanted. 

By 2010 that was all gone. My Christmas my H had moved out. That past summer he'd stopped working, almost destroying our business. He was admitted to the hospital for detox and rehab and it looked like he might turn it around but in October, when his father got sick he had a relapse and by Thanksgiving he had been told by social services that he wasn't allowed to be alone with our kids. He emptied our savings account, bounced all our checks and left. 

I spent that Christmas holiday picking up the pieces and found a new place to live. He sobered up enough to help buy some presents and paid some of the money back and helped us move. The next two years were up and down..sometimes he was very generous and the man I once loved and at other times a bastard. 

By 2012 he emerged a drunken bastard for the 4th time, failing to take care of and abandoning our son and telling me he'd gone through all our money, had run himself into a mountain of debt and would no longer support our kids. 

It was then I announced that I wanted a divorce and he retaliated by taking away our son's computer (his 14th birthday present), taking back our daughter's car (her 17th birthday present) and cancelling our family health insurance. He couldn't afford to give me money to buy clothes for our son but he could afford $400 to get legal advice on how to get the laptop back that he'd been letting my son use and take my daughter's car back.

When he took my daughter's car she only had one key on her. He insisted that I drive 2 hours to pick up the extra key that my daughter forgot to bring home from college or else he'd take more legal action, causing me to use $20 of gas and waste 2 hours of my time the Sunday before one of the busiest work weeks of the year. 

So I cut myself off from him 100%. This is the 180 and then some. I bought my son a new computer, made plans to shop for another car for my daughter and got different health insurance. I shopped for Chrismas gifts myself, wrapped them myself and worked day and night to achieve this. 

I didn't hear from my H for almost a week until:

12/23/2012: While I was shopping for our Christmas meal with the kids, my H called and left a voicemail on my cell (I never answer his calls now) and said that he still didn't have a cell phone (he'd lost his and was using the phone I bought for my son until I took it away and STILL didn't get another!) and that I should call his home number and leave a message. He said that he didn't have our son's phone number and would like to call him and wouldn't mind hearing from me either. Not a word about our daughter. I will say that for the first time he sounded rationale and sober. No anger at all. 

I didn't return his call. 

12/24/2012: Christmas Eve day. Two more messages about the same thing. He wanted to see our son and maybe take him out to lunch and would like to see me as well. The very thought makes my stomach turn. I asked my son how he felt. My son's main concern was getting his computer back. I had bought my son a new computer at this point but it was to be a Christmas gift so I'd been telling him that I couldn't afford a new one  But aside from that he expressed no interest in seeing his father except to wonder why he called and expressed a desire to call him to find out. I asked him to wait until after Christmas to call him, if he so desired. 

As much as I hate the idea, I don't want to impose my feelings about my H onto my son. He has to make his own decisions about what kind of relationship he wants with his father. But I told him that he can not stay with him overnight anymore. My son agreed and said he didn't want to be with his father unless he was sober and would not drink in front of him. 

I didn't return the calls, even though my H sounded sober and rationale. He is unpredictable and has ruined almost all our holidays and events lately and I have no desire to deal with him. The kids feel the same way. 

Plus, I must admit that the idea of my H spending Christmas alone as a result of all the horrid things he's done seemed to be "poetic justice". This is what his life SHOULD be as a result of all he's done. 

He's done everything he can to ruin our Christmas season so why should he be invited to partake of our holiday? Especially since he has not contributed anything but pain and suffering and hasn't paid a dime to buy any presents, never mind pay any bills or for food or living expenses. 

My mother used to say "You reap what you sow". This seems appropriate here. I say "He made his bed, now he has to lie in it." 

Christmas 2012: I turned the phone off last night before going to bed. The day was a good one, with gifts being exchanged and my son saying "Now Daddy doesn't have any hold on me" when he saw his new computer. I found that interesting. He seems very happy. Everyone enjoyed the food my daughter and I cooked yesterday and we watched "The Santa Clause" while eating. A good day and more important..a _stress free_ day, something we haven't had for a long time. 

I turned on my cell phone and my H had left a message at around 2:30pm. He finally mentioned Christmas and said he was home. I wonder where he went? Probably was sitting in his car down by the river drinking as he often does. 

He said he'd like to talk to our son and myself. No mention of our daughter until he said "Merry Christmas to to everyone" and mentioned her name. Except for my son's comment earlier no one has mentioned him. No one misses him. Now it's 8pm and my daughter is with her boyfriend, my son is napping and all is quiet. 

Merry Christmas to all. Tomorrow I get new health insurance. My husband didn't even pay up this month's bill so we are effectively without health insurance. I'm probably going to have to pay for my son's doctor visit last week out of my own pocket. I have applied for the state assisted health care program which should cover my kids. My daugher has insurance from her college and I will need to get an individual policy for myself. Now to shop for a new car for my daughter. 

And am hoping once the new year is here I can get the divorce proceedings started. 

After his fathe called, my son asked me if I'd still divorce my H is he said he was sorry, gave everything back and paid the health insurance. I think my son is accepting the divorce but always hoped we'd be a "family" again and live together at some point. I thought about it for a few seconds and said "No, it would make things a lot better but I'm definitely divorcing your father. I don't to deal with him anymore. I want him out of my life." 

As I was saying these words I knew that deep down I meant them. I've said them before over the years and always changed my mind but this time it's for real. I seriously want out and can't wait until it's a done deal. Even a year ago I would've called my H back, gone over there and begged and pleaded for him to give the stuff back, try and make things alright and listened to all his abuse. I did some of that last week and was disgusted by it and came off more determined then ever to continue onward. 

Now, there's no need for my H to give anything back to my son, unless it's the gaming keyboard that was last year's Christmas give to him! Plus the speakers that go with his computer but those aren't necessary. My daughter's car would have to come with the title and yes, he could pay the health insurance up but I'm STILL divorcing him but I'd love to sit down and do an uncontested divorce and work things out. 

But I'm prepared to have to fight it out if need be. It's going to happen. If there's one thing that living apart for 2 years, that this past summer gave me, it's the knowledge that I don't miss or want or need my H in my life. I'm perfectly content to be on my own. 

But he's damn straight not going to walk away from his financial obligation from his kids. 

Here's wishing my STBXH a very lonely Christmas. Whether it's his first of many or not is his choice.


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## Freak On a Leash

Got up this morning to get ready for the meeting with the insurance agent. I gave the STBXH a call to tell him that I was canceling the health insurance and give him a chance to pay up the this month's premium, which is $1700.

He always pays 30 days late because he says "we have a 30 day grace period". If he doesn't pay this month's premium we will not have been insured for the month of December and he will have to pay any medical bills he's run up this month..and I know for a fact that he's seen the doctor more than a few times. 

In December. I took my son for a check up and went for my annual mammogram so if I have to pay for that out of pocket so be it. 

He sounded nice enough on the phone. I went right into the health insurance issue and right away he said "I can't afford to pay it." I told him that he should at least try and pay this month's premium or else he would have to pay for any doctor's bills out of pocket from December. I then told him that I was cancelling the policy because I was getting a new one and that he would have to get his own health insurance, which isn't good news for an alcoholic with a bunch of health problems. And he smokes too. 

He seemed surprised and said "Why didn't you give me more notice?" I said he should've figured it out but with Christmas and work I wasn't inclined to call him and speak with him, considering that out last "conversation" wasn't exactly friendly. He started going on about how I can't "spring things on him at the last minute". :rofl:

Yeah, like how he just demanded that I give him back my daughter's car and I had to drive 2 hours in one day to get him a KEY or else he'd sic a lawyer on me? I'm not feeling his pain on that.  

But I didn't say that. I just reiterated that he needed to at least pay this month's premium or else he'd have to pay all his bills from this month out of pocket. He then said "but can't you wait to cancel the insurance?". I said "No, I've got new insurance, the old one will be canceled as of January 1. If you can't afford it I have no choice." He said "I can't pay more than half". So I said, "Well, I guess that it then". 

He then said "I'll have to call you back" and hung up. Haven't heard from him. I went to the insurance agent, got new insurance effective immediately and canceled the old policy as of January 1, though if he doesn't pay December's premium it's over anyway. 

No anger coming from me on my end. I was very business like and pleasant but there was no conversation about anything else. I think I totally threw him off balance. I don't know what he was expecting. He sounded friendly enough and even called me "Honey" and apologized when I asked if I could finish my statement when he interrupted me. That's all good and all. I guess he wanted to talk about our son but until he starts taking on the responsibilty of BEING a father he can't play act one. He's not seeing my son until he starts forking over some money for bills. My son has an orthodontist appointment on January 10 and he owes 2 months of back payments for his braces. He can start there. 

I'll call him back after the New Year on that one so he'll get more than a few hours notice. Until then I have 2 days of hard work ahead of me and then some partying to do.


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## sayjellybeans

You did so well!


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## Freak On a Leash

Thankyou! I've come a long way in that respect. There was a time I would've been crying and begging and going nuts. But this sort of thing has happened so many times I've gotten used to it. It's like getting hit on the head. First time it hurts but after the 50th time, you don't feel it. 

Now that I've made the decision to go ahead with the divorce I feel it's necessary to take these steps and do these things to further distance myself from my STBXH both financially and emotionally. At one time I would've stressed out like crazy and I admit I'm feeling it but I'm dealing with it well enough. 

As I've said to my daughter on my occasions, "Don't look at the top of the mountain and dwell upon how hard it will be to get there, just concentrate on the first ledge, and then the next". I'm just chipping away at this, one step at a time. 

Yesterday my H called and we discussed a number of things. He informed me that he couldn't pay any health insurance and I informed him that he was now without health insurance. He told me he would return my son's keyboard and speakers for the computer. I told him I'd bought my son a new computer. No comment from him. I asked him how his Christmas was and he told me that he spent it "hanging out." Just as I suspected. He told me that he was going over to our friends party for New Years and I told him I had other plans. 

He said "well, if you are there it's no problem."

I said "Well, that's good but I got a party to go to". 

We then discussed my daughter's car. He told me that despite the fact that amount owed on the loan is $8500 he wants $11,000 for the car because "That's what he'd get in trade and he needs the extra money."So in affect, he's not only taken the car that he gave to my daughter as a gift for her birthday AND graduation (he didn't give her anything for high school graduation and said "Well, I bought her a car" :slap but NOW he wants to make a profit off her! :wtf:

He kept going on and on about how he needs to get his life together (again!) and needs the money to live (what about that inheritance and the house he sold just this past May? ) and this had to be done and we can't go back and "revisit the past" and he can't change what he's done, etc, etc. 

I told him could change it and he's going to be a very lonely man. That he'll never know his grandchildren and EVERY holiday will be spent alone. So he said to me "So what do you suggest I do?". 

I said "Pay off the loan and give her back the car AND the title and say you are sorry and that you love her.". 

He said he can't afford to do that but he'd THINK about selling the car to her for the amount of the remainder of the loan. 

Then he said that we really needed to get together and talk. As much as I hate the the idea, I do need financial support for my son. Once again, my H's antics have drained me of of my savings (this is just the same thing that happened 2 years ago when we first separated). I need to him to contribute something to support my kids so I figured I'd give it a shot, especially since he sounds kinda rationale and sober. 

So we made a date for this Sunday at 2pm to go have coffee and talk. 

The I went downstairs and looked up what a 2010 Nissan Cube is worth. My H was giving us no real deal here. Basically he wants an amount for the car that he could sell it to anyone for. I told my daughter and she said he should go to hell and that she doesn't even want the car because "it reminds me of him." Can't say I blame her. 

Besides, if I have to take out a loan to buy the car from my husband I can just as easily take out a loan to buy it from someone else. Also, the car is almost 3 years old and for the amount he wants I can buy a new car. There are lots of nice, inexpensive new cars in the 12-15k price range. 

I've bought many cars. Over the past 25 years, cars have been a big hobby of mine. I've ALWAYS been the one to research and buy the cars we've owned, including the one my husband is driving now, so I know what to do. By the end of the night I compiled a list of cars and dealership, along with the invoice prices, MSRP and what a fair price would be and looked up the various incentives that might be available to us.

My daugher researched it with me and was quite excited by some of the prospects. We decided to begin our shopping expedition on Saturday. 

Today (Thursday) I called my H to change the time for Sunday because my friend invited me on a hike and dinner and I wanted to do that. He said he didn't mind changing the time for earlier in the day. The he brought up the car. He said take $10k for the car. I said to him, "The only amount we'd consider would be the amount left on the loan". 

He said "That would be $8500." 

I said, "Well, you shouldn't be charging her anything but that would the amount." 

He got indignant and said "You aren't going to get a new car for $10k." 

I said "Maybe not $10k but for not very much more she'll have a car with a full warranty that's not 3 years old that's got dinged and had bodywork done (the car was keyed and vandalized twice and got repainted in spots). 

Now he got REALLY upset and said "Are you doing this to spite me? Why are you doing this?". 

I almost dropped the phone and started to break into laughter at this point. SPITE HIM? :rofl:

I said "No, that's my offer and I know how to shop for a car." I then proceeded to give him a description of some of the things I'd been doing and he got very quiet. Yes dear, I AM serious about this. 

He said "Fine, do what you want, I'll just put it on Craig's List". 

Once again I tried to reason with him and told him how much he's damaging his future with his family. He didn't want to hear it. He said he's sorry but "he can't undo all he's done". 

Oh well, onto the divorce negotiations. Should be fun. 

He's sober but mentally/emotionally he's definitely on the edge. If I wasn't in the position I was in I'd feel sorry for him. But I don't.


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## Freak On a Leash

It's been awhile since I posted so here goes:

Worked two full days and got some money in the bank. Always a good thing.  On Friday afternoon my H called and said "I thought it over and will sell you our daughter's car for the amount of the loan, which is $8400. At $11k it was ridiculous but at $8400, a 3 year old car with 13k miles was looking to be a good deal. I told my daughter and asked her to give it some thought in case we didn't find a good deal on something new. 

On Friday night I went to a gathering for a Divorce Separation Group. I have no intention of actively looking to date, like going on Match.com or anything like that. I'm just looking to get out and have fun. I've actually been doing that for a long time. My H trained me well over the years that he pretty much ignored me. I got my own hobbies and interests, my own friends. We had our "reconciliation" for a short time but after our separation it wasn't hard for me to build up my own life again separate from his. 

I met some nice people at the Divorce Support meeting, particularly one cool guy who I conversed with most of the meeting. We had a lot in common and he seemed like a decent sort and pretty good looking. I can tell that my emotional attachment to my H is pretty much severed because in all the years of our marriage, as angry as I was at him, even though we've been "separated" for 2 years I always felt like I was still "married" to him emotionally. 

I'm not feeling that anymore. I found it interesting to be attacted to someone else. Turns out there was an event the following day and we were both going to be there and I was looking forward to it. 

Saturday was car buying day and my daughter and I went and looked and test drove cars for hours. Finally we found a car that was in the price range we wanted and she liked, a Mazda 2. Nice little hatchback that had the features she wanted, good quality, etc. I gave her half the down payment and cosigned with her the loan. Turns out the insurance on my policy for her is cheaper than it was with her father! 

So now my daughter has a car of her own. She had no interest in buying her father's car, even though it was cheaper. She said it would piss her off to have to write a check every month on something that was "supposed to have been a gift". Can't say I blamed her. 

That night I went to the event a the bar and danced with the guy I had hung out with the night before. We hit it off nicely and at the end of the night we kissed and he asked if I'd go on a date with him. I thought that was so quaint!  I said "sure". 

He asked about the next day and I told him I already had plans but we were going to the same New Years Eve party so that worked. He has two kids he sees alternating weekends and two nights a week. YES, I said I'd never date or get involved with someone who had young kids but I don't want a full time involvement with anyone at this point and it's a way to put a bit of space and guarantee my "alone time" for myself. So I look at it as a positive thing. 

I'm not looking for anything serious but to go out and have fun with someone who is "normal" and just wants to enjoy himself with me, someone who doesn't hang out in his car and smoke and drink for hours and ignore me would be a nice change. I'm taking it all one step at a time. 

Next day was the meeting with my husband. I didn't know what to expect. The last two conversations with him he sounded sober so I was hoping for the best. We met at a coffee shop and chatted about our daughter and shopping for the car and my son and finally we got around to the money issues. He told me what I was expecting to hear..that he had no money. I grilled him pretty closely and I could see he was being honest with me. He really had gone through is whole inheritance and was basically living off credit cards at this point and had no money to give me. He was hoping that if he could remain sober for a few months he'd be able to get his life together. 

We talked and negotiated for awhile. We agreed that neither of us could afford a lawyer and the way to go about this was to write up a contract. We agreed to list all our expenses for our kids and split things up, provided that he'd be able to pay. 

As much as I wanted to threaten him and browbeat him I saw no use in it. The man is indeed throughly broken I've known him 30+ years and know when he's BSing me. As I suspected he never paid any money for a lawyer, he got a free consultation as I did. He said he was sorry for doing all those horrible things and I saw no point in rehashing it. I just wanted to discuss the here and now and the future. 

He agreed that his debts would be his..and that I'd have no responsibility for his credit card debt and it would be stated in writing. 

I also told him that I was in the process of filing and waiting on the fee waiver. He seemed surprised that I'd gotten this far and asked that I not have a sheriff serve him. I told him that once the papers were filed I'd deliver them myself. He's not dangerous or volatile and seems to have accepted the divorce so why not save a few bucks and the hassle of getting the sheriff involved? 

Yes, he has accepted the idea of a D. He told me he doesn't like it but he doesn't blame me. I told him that I'd been there for him as long as I could but now it was time to fish or cut bait..and that when a big fish was dragging you and your boat to the bottom of the ocean floor it was time to cut the line. 

He said he understood. I told him that for the most part he'd been a good father and I was trusting him now to get his act together and come through with support but he'd better NOT be playing around on his boat filling it up with gas for $4/gallon of gas if he wasn't paying support for the kids. 

Basically I told him that I'd give him some room to breathe and get his act together for now but I expected that he'd attend AA and do what he could to get sober and productive. 

One can only hope. We then discussed visitation for our son. I told him that I didn't want my son shuffling back and forth between our apartments every two weeks but I had no problem with him visiting our son provided he stayed sober. He had just seen our son the day before and took him out to lunch and it seemed to go well. I stressed that it was all up to him and that his remaining sober was the key. My son didn't want to be with him if he drank and I didn't trust him to take care of him either. 

He asked for his wedding ring back. I'd been keeping it along with my engagement and wedding rings. I was suprised that he wanted it. He said it has "sentimental value". I told him I'd probably sell mine and he said it was mine to do whatever I wanted to do with it. 

We agreed we'd try and meet for coffee at least once a week to discuss our son and what needed to be done for him. 

Aside from the money situation, I think it went well. Many would say that I need to get a lawyer and get money from him but that seems counterproductive because I'd probably spend more than I'd get from him. After all he told me, the numbers add up. He simply screwed up big time and went through all his money. His purchasing of a new boat, his vacations, his buying a ton of toys, paying off all his debts: It all went to that. The party is now over and the hangover has begun. 

So I'm in "wait and see" mode. Waiting to see how we handle the divorce. Waiting to see if I can get free health care from the state and reduced lunch for my son. Waiting to see if he sobers up enough to support our kids. Just waiting and trying to be patient. 

So now we go forward. I wished him a Happy New Year. He spent last night with some friends and I want to a meetup party and had a blast. We agreed that we would tell none of our mutual friends about the divorce until it was final and agreed that keeping a low profile as a couple would be best at this point in time. 

So now, I guess it's just wait and see....


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## Freak On a Leash

Guess it's time for another update. Not much has happened on the Divorce Front. I was waiting to see if my fee waiver was approved. In the meantime it's been life as usual...Working and managing to pay the bills. Somehow I managed to do that and even got a day of skiing in with my daughter. It helped that the local ski resort gives college students a free day of skiiing on Tuesdays. 

Other than that I've been having fun with friends. Got a date with the fellow I was having fun with around New Years. After 3 weeks he emailed and asked me out to a movie. Normally I'm not into movies but I've been wanting to see _The Hobbit_. I think the last time I went to the movies was to see _The Return of the King_. Sounds good to me in any case! 

I've been def not into seeing the STBXH. He called the last two weekends looking to "get together" and have coffee. The guy doesn't even buy me a cup of coffee. Here I am paying for everything for our kids and he can't even buy me a cup of coffee?  At least when he takes my son out he buys him a burger or two. How big of him. 

Meanwhile I find out he's still paying on his boat (his rationale is that "they will take it away and he'll still have to pay it anyway") and he STILL has my daughter's car in front of his house. So suddenly it's not a problem to pay for it? He told me is going to have the small dent in the fender replaced to make it more "marketable". So he has enough cash for the $150 deductible but not to help pay for food for our kids? 

THEN when I ask him to take my son for a haircut he gets on my case for "ambushing him" and not giving him notice. I find it amazing that HE is giving ME a hard time about throwing stuff at him a the last minute!  To his credit he did FINALLY agree to take my son for a $20 haircut. I hope he didn't break his arm patting himself on the back for that one. 

Meanwhile I'm spending $150-175 on food/week for the kids. 

Unfortunately my fee waiver was denied. I guess I make too much money. :rofl:  So my choices were: Pay $275 to file or don't file. It showed my commitment that I decided to file. Once again it's on me. I went out there last Friday with my daughter and we spent the big bucks. I felt good. At least we are finally moving forward. 

So when my H called asking me out to coffee I informed him that I did file. I also mentioned that if he contested the divorce it would cost him $160. That freaked him out (made me feel pretty good actually...) and he said "What if I do nothing". I said, "Then they will rule in my favor". Bet that freaked him out more. 

He says he wants to sit down and do an uncontested divorce, which would cost him nothing. But unless he agrees in writing to pay child support of some sort it's not going to work. I don't want hear about how poor he is and how he paid it for years, yada yada yada. He seems to think that because he was good about paying for stuff in the past it should excuse him in the present. I don't get that rationale. 

But it isn't going to work. It's all up to him at this point. I told him that when the docket number comes back I will serve him and we can talk. He said: "I feel like you are avoiding me. Would you have called me if I hadn't called you?". What is he thinking? :wtf: is going on his head? :crazy: NO, I don't want to go and have coffee with you to CHAT. We are getting DIVORCED! :slap: :banghead: 

Whatever.  I got the docket number today. I have copies of everything and will serve the papers to him in a neutral place and then we need to go and have the acknowledgement signed and notarized. Then he can decide what to do. 

Let the games begin...:gun:


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## hope4family

Indeed. Let the games begin.


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## Freak On a Leash

Today I served my STBXH the divorce papers. 

It was rather congenial actually. He came over, we had coffee and he looked the papers over. This was done in lieu of me having the sheriff serve him. It saved me money to serve him myself, which was a good thing. We went to my bank and he signed the Acknowledgement of Service, which basically states that he received the papers. I made some copies and we went and had lunch and discussed our options.. 

He wasn't happy about some of the stuff I put in the papers, about his being an alcoholic and not paying anything (but it's the TRUTH! :scratchhead. He kept going on about how he HAD been paying things for years. Ok, then...I pointed out that had he CONTINUED paying for things we wouldn't be having this conversation!

He kept on about his situation and said he was doing much better. Best news was that he is indeed going to AA, which is the most positive thing he's done in years! I find this to be a good sign. He swore that in a few months he'd have his act together and asked me to "be patient" and pointed out that I could pull all the legal strings I wanted but it would come to nothing but literally drive him to drink. 

I'm not inclined to do this. I'm not out to be vengeful and I'm not really angry. I'm concerned about my son, I'm stressed about money but I don't see any point in hassling and harrassing him and my son needs a father so I told him (AGAIN) that was I was willing to work with him on this and be patient but there was a limit to my patience.

I also want this divorce to be over sooner than later. He's willing to accept all his debts as his own and we agreed that _provided he remains sober_ we could share custody and split costs in half. How we go about doing this is the question. We discussed getting a mediator to help with the process simply because both of us have a lot of questions and concerns and think it would help so that's something I'm going to look into. 

He asked if I could amend some of the things in my divorce papers, mostly about my demands that I have full custody and he pay support. I pointed out that I filed these papers back in mid-December when I was dealing with a raving, drunken lunatic and that given the changes I'm seeing I'd be amenable to amending some things.

I have to go back to the courthouse to file the Acknowledgement next week and will ask about filing an amended complaint. There are other things that need to be changes, such as our health insurance information. I kept pointing out that in the end it doesn't really matter because it's the final agreement that WE come to that matters in an uncontested divorce or, if it's contested, what the judge orders. But he seems stuck on what I wrote in the complaint and my Case Information Statement, which itemizes my costs and states that he is basically being a deadbeat dad. Oh well..

So we discussed that. Things got a *bit* heated when I kept on about the fact that he isn't paying ANYTHING at all. He kept going on about all the things he DID pay for in the past and all the stuff I did wrong over the years. I kept pointing out that what I did 20 years ago isn't really the point right now but he kept on in that vein, which got really annoying. 

I asked him at one point how he felt about the divorce. He basically said that he realized that it had to be done because our relationship and marriage had been affecting him badly. I guess I was the one who was causing him to drink? Doesn't AA address an alcoholic taking responsibility for his drinking and not blaming others or he hasn't gotten to that chapter in the "Big Book" yet? :scratchhead:

He said he didn't like that we were getting divorced. Then he asked me how I felt. 

I replied "It needs to be done and I want to get it done." 

He asked "You have no second thoughts, at all?"

I said "Nope." 

He said "Is it like you can't wait for it to happen?"

I said "It's not quite that way but once I make up my mind to do something it gets done and it needs to be done, so I'm doing it."

He said "Yeah, I know..You are like that."

I said "It's been a long time coming you know. It's time". 

He didn't seem too happy with my response. I guess he was hoping I'd show some emotion or something but I found myself utterly devoid of emotion. I could've been talking about the weather or selling some old furniture.

I look at my marriage as something needs to be dealt with and ended. It's come to resemble something that's stinking up my life and needs to be taken out to the garbage bin. As far as I'm concerned this should've happened long ago and I'm glad I am where I'm at emotionally. To NOT care is the best thing that's happened to me. For years I prayed and begged for it to happen and now that it has happened I feel a vast sense of purpose and inner peace and calm. 

I just want to get it done so I can get my life in order and live out the rest of my life in peace. One thing that this separation has done for me is give me peace and purpose. I told my STBXH that I knew that we'd never live together again because almost from the start I've LOVED living on my own and I never intend to be chained down again. I don't think he was surprised to hear that. 

There were a few angry exchanges. Actually he was the one who was angry and I listened. After one heated exchange, he went out to have a cigarette in his car and I came out and got in the the car and said "Are you calm again?". He made a snide remark about my being self righteous, which I ignored but then we started talking again and things settled down. 

The lack of emotion on my part is my greatest asset by far. A year or two ago I would've been a screaming, crying maniac. Now I'm rational, composed and logical. It's the best feeling in the world...The Freedom from one's emotions. Live Long and Prosper.  (that's for us Trek fans) 

When he dropped me off we agreed to talk again on Sunday. He's going to look over the papers and give me specifics on what he wants to see changed and I'm going to look into what can be done with mediation and putting together a property/marital agreement that we can both agree to. 

Then I took my son to the orthodontist and managed to get them to accept a reduced payment schedule because my H didn't pay up on my son's braces for the past 3 months.  Some things never change but at least I'm nearing the bottom of the barrell now. 

Then I went to the gold buyers and sold my engagement and wedding ring, which paid for my filing fees. As I stood there watching the jeweler look at my ring I felt the a bit of sadness, a pang of regret. I hadn't worn those rings in years, probably decades. I still remember the day my H gave me the engagement ring on that Christmas Eve so long ago. Sure wish I hadn't accepted it. 

So now I'm fixing that mistake, almost 25 years later. 

And tomorrow I'm going skiing. 

Happy Divorce! :smthumbup:


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## won'tstoptrying53

Wow, freak you've been through a lot. Reading your posts make me feel a little better about myself. I was always a good dad, and mostly a good husband. 

I hope your husband wises up after the divorce, and that your children are able to forgive him.


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## won'tstoptrying53

You must be a fast at typing, I could never post like you do. And even though your posts are long, they never ramble and you always have a good point to make. I don't seem to have that much to say. But I wish I had opened up on this forum during the one year separation. I needed help in a different way then. Now I feel better, but I am still lost about who I am. COguy suggets COda, a group about codependency. I see myself needing help in that way, but am turned off by all the God references. 

How was skiing? That's what I did with the kids over the holidays. We had a great time.


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## Freak On a Leash

LOL! Yes, I am a fast typist. Plus I've been posting on forums for over 15 years now. I remember when there weren't any forums like this, mostly mailing lists. 

I try and break things up into paragraphs so my posts aren't a "wall of text". What I've been doing with this thread is using it as a journal about my divorce proceedings, frame of mind, etc. Comes in quite handy. 

Skiing was AWESOME! Conditions were perfect. Packed powder and temps in the 20s. Got some snow after 3pm, which made things pretty and interesting. 

I went to the Poconos (Camelback) in PA. Most of the black diamond trails were open so I got some nice runs in and had fun. It wasn't too crowded at all until late afternoon when the kids came after school. It was getting dark and night skiing isn't my thing. 

It's not New England but it's doible in a few hours so now with my son living with me it's not possible to take overnighters. Plus it's easier on the budget if I don't have to to get a hotel. 


I love skiing. I hope one day to move someplace where I can ski more regularly. Right now I try to go about every other week. This winter has been crazy with the weather. Last week it was in the teens/20s and on Wednesday they are calling for 60 degrees!  Go figure. Glad I went last week because 60 degrees is NOT good for skiing. Hopefully it'll get cold again. Think I'll try the Catskills next time. 

It's nice that you ski with your kids. My daughter has been skiing since she was 7. Originally I was planning to take her skiing out west or to Vermont over her college break but all this crap with my STBXH and the divorce killed that.  We only got one day of skiing in up over her break and now she's back at school and doesn't have Fridays off this semester. She told me she's going over the weekend with her boyfriend. 

So if I don't go with her I go by myself, which isn't bad because I can get lots of runs in.


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## Freak On a Leash

won'tstoptrying53 said:


> Wow, freak you've been through a lot. Reading your posts make me feel a little better about myself. I was always a good dad, and mostly a good husband.
> 
> I hope your husband wises up after the divorce, and that your children are able to forgive him.


Once, my husband was a great dad. He was an OK husband. I was the greatest wife though. I guess it goes both ways. In any case, alcoholism is a terrible thing. 

He's in AA now and seems to be doing MUCH better. He actually likes AA even though he can't relate to the religious overtones. He does like the fact that he is with people who are in the same situation as he is. Sure wish he'd done it earlier. 

I don't know how my STBXH will deal with our daughter. He's done some major damage there. If it was bad before, it's 10X worse now. I told her he was in AA and she said "Is that the truth or is he just saying that?". She says the only way she'd ever even talk to him is if he gets a job and supports her brother. My H seems to think that time will help heal the breach between them but I'm not sure. I guess we'll see. 

He is mending things with my son. My son is very attached to his father and they've been seeing each other regularly. This weekend he did an overnighter at his father's house. I was glad for this because I REALLY needed some "alone time". I miss having the house to myself. I'm hoping that my son can spend more time with his father on a regular basis.

If he can't give me money right now then being a devoted father to my son is the next best thing. In some ways it's better because I would REALLY love to get back some freedom when it comes to going away but my son's welfare comes first. I'm still in "wait and see" mode on this. 

I tell my husband that how often he spends time with our son is up to him remaining sober and he agrees with this. Maybe spending the holidays alone and my filing finally got the message through that he's in danger of losing everything and everyone. None of this changes the divorce though. I still feel it's the best thing but I would rather remain friendly with my STBXH then not. Makes life a lot easier in many ways. 

When he dropped him off on Sunday we looked over the divorce papers again and he expressed some concerns over some of the the things I'd written. I told him I would be amenable to amending some things and will look into it when I bring the Acknowledgement of Service back to the courthouse on Thursday. Filing will start the divorce proceedings. 

Today I had a problem at work with my truck and I was backed up and falling behind on my schedule. I called my STBXH to ask for his help. To his credit he came right over and fixed the problem not just once but twice. I really appreciated that. I gave him a hug and he seemed pleased with that and said "Thanks for the hug". I was happy to do it. I told him I owed him one and he said "Don't worry about it, I was glad to help."

When he does stuff like that I am hopeful that he'll turn out OK. That's the part of him that I miss and hope to retain a friendship with him as a result. He's not a bad person, he's just done some bad things. But then again, haven't we all?


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## won'tstoptrying53

Yes, there is not much better then skiing with the kids. I took them to Wolf Creek "the most snow in Colorado". It's true. everywhere else had a 20" base Wolf Creek had 80". they get 465" per year on average. 

We use to go to Taos, NM but Wolf Creek is great on the budget and the trails are fantastic. Never a line, even over the Holidays. Groomed trails, powder, whatever you want. Had a cabin with a big fireplace. It was really homey. 

I was surprised that there wasn't a pall over the trip. Ex first said she'd come then backed out. Completely par for the course, and I will completely expect that from now on. But no, it felt natural and there was no pressure. 

Daughter goes to school it Pittsburgh, btw.


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## Freak On a Leash

won'tstoptrying53 said:


> Yes, there is not much better then skiing with the kids. I took them to Wolf Creek "the most snow in Colorado". It's true. everywhere else had a 20" base Wolf Creek had 80". they get 465" per year on average.
> 
> We use to go to Taos, NM but Wolf Creek is great on the budget and the trails are fantastic. Never a line, even over the Holidays. Groomed trails, powder, whatever you want. Had a cabin with a big fireplace. It was really homey.


OH MY LORD!! I AM SO ENVIOUS!! That's some major pow! I hope I can get out west to ski before I get too hold and decrepit. I'm hoping in the next few years. I've always wanted to just move out there but not sure where my daughter is going to wind up. 

Back in August, '92 I took a 2 week drive out west in my 1990 Mustang GT convertible. I drove all over Colorado and one of the places I went to was over Wolf Creek Pass down to Pagosa Springs. Stayed in a hotel that had those natural sulphur springs and then headed down to Taos. I drove almost 7000 miles in 2 weeks. 

Someday I'd like to go back with my Jeep and drive some of the dirt roads along the western part of Colorado..and yes, do some skiing. 

Yeah..I'd love to move out there. Maybe I can talk my daughter into it. 



> I was surprised that there wasn't a pall over the trip. Ex first said she'd come then backed out..


I would think that would be a GOOD thing. Last year I took my daughter and son for a vacation in Vermont. My son doesn't ski but he enjoyed hanging out at the hotel and playing computer games on the laptop. My daughter and I would come home from skiing and we'd all go to the jacuzzi and heated pool and then go have dinner. The three of us had a GREAT time..much better than when my husband came with us several years back. 

I actually enjoy taking vacations alone with the kids and this past Christmas without my STBXH was the best holiday we'd had in a LONG time. 

My daugther goes to school about 45 minutes away at Rutgers so I'm used to having her around.


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## won'tstoptrying53

Good to hear that stbexh is doing better and is being a good dad again. I hope the negotiating goes quickly and you get things filed and done with. It may be sad for a minute, but the relief of having it done will be great. 

And remember my tip about Wolf Creek for next year.


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## won'tstoptrying53

Yeah, we did the hot springs after skiing. Very relaxing. Tough to find good restaurants in the area. Buts that's OK. We spent half the money we use to going to Taos. 

Sounds like your Mustang GT convertible had some major significance in your life back then. Was that right before you got married? Your last freedom ride?


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## Freak On a Leash

Sure do hope my financial situation gets better by next year A lot WILL depend on the STBXH..If he gives me financial support. If he is able to take care of my son on a regular basis. Most important: IF he stays sober. 

That's a BIG "if". I allowed myself to be lulled into a false sense of security last year and allowed my son to live with him with disastrous results.  I can't and won't make that mistake again. 

I will say that I REALLY enjoyed my freedom and hope to regain some of that again but only time will tell. One can only hope. 

I think I'll be going out west within a few years though. Hopefully. This year, if I can get up to the Catskills for an overnighter I'll be happy.  I'm off Thursdays and Friday so it might happen. Everything is cheaper midweek and if my H can take my son overnight and get him off to school I might be able to swing it.


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## won'tstoptrying53

Freak, I don't know what you do, but Austin,TX has one of the hottest job markets in the country. If you can stand the heat for 4 months, the rest of the year is great. And Austin has all kinds of greenbelts and lakes going right through the heart of the city. It's a hike to go skiing, however!


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## Freak On a Leash

won'tstoptrying53 said:


> Yeah, we did the hot springs after skiing. Very relaxing. Tough to find good restaurants in the area. Buts that's OK. We spent half the money we use to going to Taos.


I was in Pagosa Springs on a Sunday night. There was NOTHING open. :slap: I wound up going across the street to the Holiday Inn and raiding their vending machine. I dined on Fritos and candy bars. I was famished the next morning and drove down to Taos and ate this huge plate of Huevos Rancheros at a restaurant. At that point I hadn't eaten a decent meal in almost two days. 



> Sounds like your Mustang GT convertible had some major significance in your life back then. Was that right before you got married? Your last freedom ride?


:rofl: My H would be VERY amused at reading that. It was one of the first of many "freedom rides." What a great term that is..because never do I feel more free then when I set out on a road trip with the top down, the tunes blaring and headed out to some unknown destination. People would ask me where I was going and I would say "I don't know..I'll know when I get there." 

I bought the Mustang GT not long after we got married. When we got married in 1989 my H was in the Navy. We came back to NJ in 1990 and my husband rediscovered all his friends and pretty much ignored me. He told me "I'm not your social director, get a life."

So I bought a bright red Mustang GT convertible and IT became my life.  I was always a "car nut" when I was growing up. My father had an assortment of exotic cars and I always wanted a convertible. Not long after I graduated from college I bought a black '86 GT convertible that I had to sell after a year of buying it. I vowed to get another..and I did. 

First I got into detailing it and then I started to show it in car shows, joined a car club, met a lot of like minded people and then started drag racing it at the local dragstrip. Then a friend of mine got me into road racing with his Shelby American club and I got into modifiying the Mustang into a tricked to race car. I got into open track, club racing, etc. 

By 1999 that Mustang had been featured in every major Ford and Mustang magazine. It was described in one magazine article as a "Ford Motorsport catalog on 4 wheels." It was the cover car on the Muscle Mustangs/Fast Fords Tech Issue. That's like being on the cover of TIME magazine in the 5.0L Mustang world. 

But before I turned it into a race car I drove it everywhere on road trips. I've always loved to travel and explore and that's just what I did..I took road trips. We didn't have kids then and we did have time and money to spend. My H would go off and do HIS thing (mostly RC model airplanes, fishing and gaming with his friends) and I took road trips. I drove that Mustang from Canada down to Floriday on every back road, through every mountain range on the east coast. The trip to Colorado and back was something I'd always wanted to do. I did do about a year before we started thinking of having a family. 

But even after we had kids I got into the racing. It was in 1993 that I started drag racing. In '94 I had my daughter and a year later I was road racing my Mustang on Atlanta Motor Speeday and Watkins Glen. I attended various racing schools like Track Time, Skip Barber and would go at least twice a month to run my now VERY modified Mustang. It wound up with a 450 hp totally tricked out 351 Windsor and a Griggs Racing suspension, huge 4 caliper Baer brakes..you name it, it had it. 

So my marriage wasn't the END of my relationship with the car..it was the beginning. It also played a big part in building up a lot of anger and resentment in my husband because of the time, energy and money I put into it. To this day he still brings up that car when we have fights. He brought it up just the other day and he went on and on about it last month when he was on his drunken raging and tearing apart me and my children's lives. That car and those that came after him are his excuses for acting and doing the things he did later on. It is the focal point of every big fight we had for the past 20 years. 

And then I sold that car in 2000 for $20k. It became too much racing and not enough car and I wanted to travel more. Plus running it on the track was becoming very expensive and time consuming. It was bought by a dealer sight unseen based on it's reputation alone. My H wanted me to take the money and buy a house. I bought a bright red 2001 Mazda Miata instead and took THAT on MORE road trips. The trips I took the Miata made those that I took the Mustang on look l like ride around the block. Plus I ran it on the track from time to time too.  I didn't trick it out as much though. I learned that much. But I did spend a good amount of time and money on it. 

In 2005 I sold the Miata and bought the Jeep Wrangler that I own now. I modified it for rock crawling and went 4 wheeling in that. I used to take my kids off road in the Jeep, especially my daughter. I would take her with me twice a month out to PA to run in the off road parks and in Jeep Jamborees. We had a great time but the Jeep just provided more fodder for my husband to use against me when he would rage on and on about what a horrible wife and mother I was. 

He's not wrong. He had to take up a LOT of flack for me and my obsession with motorsports and road trips. He practically raised our kids when they were young because I HAD to get away and do "my thing" to keep my sanity. Being a mother to two young children had a really adverse affect on me. It didn't help that my husband pretty much ignored me too. So instead of going out and having an affair with another man, I had an affair with some automobiles. Instead of going on shopping sprees for clothes and shoes I bought engine and suspension parts and spent hours installing them with my car buddies. 

For years we would trade off weekends like we were a divorced couple. He's have a free weekend and I'd watch the kids and I would have the next weekend and he would watch the kids and off we'd go. We took separate vacations. We spent very little time together as a couple. We spent very little time together period. 

Then in 2008, when we did little more with each other than yell and snipe at each other, we decided to "remake" our marriage. It was our last attempt to avoid divorce court because we were headed there fast. Ironically it was on Christmas Eve, 2008 that we did this because it was Christmas Eve 21 years earlier that he asked me to marry him. 

I agreed to give up 4 wheeling the Jeep and road trips and instead got into kayaking. With gas prices hitting $4/gallon I was looking for a "cheaper" hobby than racing, 4 wheeling or road tripping. He seemed intersested so I bought him a kayak (and all the equipment that went with it) too and we started going paddling together. 

Now that the kids were older we could get out..so we started going out as a couple to bars and to see bands and go dancing. It was like being in college for awhile there! For almost 2 years we finally were acting like married people and we had quite a lot of fun. We even started having sex again..and it was good! . 

THEN the drinking started......

Sure am glad I kept the Jeep.


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## Freak On a Leash

won'tstoptrying53 said:


> Freak, I don't know what you do, but Austin,TX has one of the hottest job markets in the country. If you can stand the heat for 4 months, the rest of the year is great. And Austin has all kinds of greenbelts and lakes going right through the heart of the city. It's a hike to go skiing, however!


I don't really like the heat. The next place I live will be where I REALLY want to be. I want to be able to step outside my door and be doing the the things I love, instead of having to drive hours to someplace else to do it. 

I think I'd want to either North..To Vermont or the Adirondacks, New Hampshire, Maine. 

Or out West..Montana, Idaho, Utah, the Pacific Northwest. 

I like mountains and I like snow.That's where my heart is. Even as a child I always wanted to live in the mountains. All my road trips were to and through the moutains...The Blue Ridge mountains. The Appalachians, the Rockies, the Green and White Mountains. The mountains in Nova Scotia and Quebec..where the sea meets the cliffs and mountains. So beautiful. 

Even now, when I hike and kayak I go west and north..to the Delaware River surrounded by hills. To the Catskills and the Shawangunks. That's where I dream of being. 

So how did I wound up living near the beach, in NJ? :scratchhead: I don't know. Bad luck I guess. But I make a living here and have two kids to take care of so I'm here for the next few years at least. But after that...


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## Freak On a Leash

Tomorrow we are going to the courthouse to file our Marital Settlement Agreement. It's not much of one. Basically we are asking for a divorce. I will be free to move or do what I want once our kids graduate their schools in 2016. 

I'm not sure what I'll be doing but I at least want the option to be able to leave and pursue my own dreams and I don't want to be legally tied down with child support. Time will tell on that one. I'm not legally obligated to support our kids but I will always be there for them. I'm divorcing my husband, not my kids. 

At this point I can't depend on my STBXH for anything. He still claims he's broke. He seems willing and able to watch my son for me but it's not something I'm counting on long term. I take it day to day, week to week. If he can remain sober and be a good father to our son then that's the most important thing. 

We'll get the settlement notarized, file it and wait for our court date when the divorce will be done. Final cost will be around $300. That's about as cheap and as fast as it gets. It's pretty much all I can expect to get at this point without a hassle. Last thing I need right now is more hassles and stress. 

My STBXH is sober, going to AA at least once a day, sometimes twice. I don't talk to him much these days. Just to arrange for him to pick up our son, drop him off, etc. 

He's been good about this. He took my son for a few days last week when I went away skiing for a few days. My daughter came home for the weekend and my son stayed with him. He dropped him off Sunday afternoon. We are pretty much letting my son call the shots on how often he wants to see his father unless I need to go away overnight. To that end, we have no formal visitation schedule. I'm just going to play it by ear depending on how my STBXH is doing and what my son wants to do. 

My son doesn't seem to WANT to be over at his father's for long periods of time. He and I are getting along much better. My son has matured a lot and really seems to be trying hard to be good. He cleans up after himself, gets himself up in the morning, does his homework and is doing much better. I told him how much I appreciated how is he is acting and he hugged me.

I will say it's nice to come home from work and have my son here. He opens the door and hugs me. We talk a lot more these days, watch TV and laugh. This weekend I told him we'd order in Chinese food and watch some movies. We are building a life together and that's a good thing. 

I feel proud of myself as a parent these days. My son is being cared for. I get up and make him breakfast in the morning and make sure he's on the bus. He has a new computer, a refrigerator full of food, he's doing well in school. I got both my kids health care funded through the state and am working on getting it for me now that I've filed our 2012 taxes. I've managed to fix and undo all the damage that my husband has done to us over these past 2.5 years. The divorce is just the icing on the proverbial cake.

My daughter has a new car and we've got her financial aid filed. I'm working as much as I can and things are humming along. I even got away for a few days here and there. Maybe I'll get another ski trip in before kayaking/hiking/camping season starts. 

So that's that. Basically we are in the home stretch now. Some will say I waited too long but in actuality I played it right. If I'd done this 3 years ago I would've been angry, vengeful and emotional. Instead I was cool, calculated and thoughtful. Much better. 

It's not about me or him anymore. It's about my kids, especially my son. I don't expect my STBXH to be much of a factor in my life at all. I don't really give him much thought these days, except for when I want or need to make plans. With the warmer weather coming I'll be wanting to do some trips. Fortunately my daughter will be around so I won't have to rely on my STBXH to take my son for overnights. As my son grows older it won't be a factor at all. 

I once told my daughter that life is a series of intersections. You turn off of one and start down a new road from time to time. I'm doing just that right now, right here with this divorce. It's not the end but a beginning. 

The beginning of the rest of my life. 'Cause Life Starts Now. :smthumbup:


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## Chuck71

You have really come out of this in great shape! Sounds like your H is finally making progress. Sucks he did not make this effort years ago. But he is trying to work on things with children. I hope the dawn continues to break for you!


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## Freak On a Leash

Chuck71 said:


> You have really come out of this in great shape! Sounds like your H is finally making progress. Sucks he did not make this effort years ago. But he is trying to work on things with children. I hope the dawn continues to break for you!


Thank you!  I wish my STBX had made a greater effort to STAY sober years ago. I don't know if it would've changed anything with regards to the divorce but it would've been far easier on himself and the kids. He might have money in the bank, a job and oh yeah, a relationship with his daughter as a result. She still wants nothing to do with him and I don't know if she ever will. I told my STBXH to stay away from her and he's hoping that time will heal all wounds. I wouldn't put money on it. He has done some real damage to his relationship with our son but if he stays sober he will keep him in his life. However, even now, there are no guarantees that he'll stay sober. He's done this before. Last year he was doing just as well and convinced me enough so that I had no problem sending my son to live with him and it all fell apart in the end. 

Now he's in AA, I'm not there for him and he's broke now so maybe that will keep him sober. He keeps saying how he *might* lose his apartment and wind up living with someone else. He seems to have this idea that one of his friends will give him a place to stay should he wind up homeless. 

I've already told him that should that happen my apartment is off limits. He can NOT crash here! I just can't understand how he can think that one of his married friends would be so willing to let him just live with them! Why doesn't he get a damn job instead of ruining and disrupting other people's lives? He's done it to his family and now he wants to do it to his friends? :wtf:

His selfish attitude never ceases to amaze me, as well as his ability to lie about things. I still don't trust him, I just don't have much choice in the matter. I have my suspicians about just how much money he DOES have left squirreled away someplace. He claims otherwise. Either way, any money he does have is inherited money so I don't have a claim on it. 

Problem is, as long as he feels that he has some form of "escape" or something to fall back on I'm afraid that he can and will start drinking so I'm not getting my hopes up. If he does start drinking again he will be doing it alone. 

In years past I was there for him. I told him I loved him, cleaned his apartment, paid his bills for him and visited him in the hospital. However the last time, I told him I was divorcing him and he went ballistic. But that was his last time being able to do that. If it happens again he will have no more threats or actions to make against anyone. We will be divorced and he will truly be on his own. We are now completely free of him. It would help me greatly if he could take my son for visitation, especially on overnights from time to time but it's not something I couldn't live without. 

The only one with any emotional ties to him are our son and he has made it clear that if his father starts drinking again he'll have nothing to do with him and I believe him. I hope his father does. My H is in real danger of truly being alone. Same thing happened to his older brother, who is 14 years older than him, got depresssed, divorced and became an alcoholic. No one has heard from or seen him in over 2 years. This type of behavior seems to run in his family. 

He's not giving me any money right now. He keeps saying that once he starts making some that will change but I'm not holding my breath. He might get it together but he might wind up living under some bridge or disappearing like his brother did. But it won't be my problem anymore. 

Even before my husband started his drinking our marriage was in bad shape and I was looking to leave. I've been miserable being married for years. It was my fear of the unknown, of him, my concern about losing my kids and the hope that things might get better that kept me in. I remember saying 10 years ago that once my son turned 18 I would be free. I'm still saying that but at least now it's happening. 

As as I read about all the problems parents of younger chidren who are getting divorced are having I'm glad I waited. It's far easier on the kids and yourself when the kids are older. Plus, emotionally I'm much better to handle it as well. I guess what happens from now only time will tell. I hope for my son's sake that his father takes all this seriously. If not, we'll survive and forge ahead. My son will always have a place with me regardless.


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## HeartbrokenW

Many similarities... except for alcohol, its drugs. Mine was homeless, now living with POS OW and his brother and brother's wife. Doesn't have a place for DD to stay overnight. No money, no job, he just lost his phone. Our final divorce hearing is Monday. He asked for the divorce, signed off on everything - quit claim deed, marital settlement agreement, then Karma struck and he's basically penniless. Ran up about $30,000 in medical bills, he's about $20,000 in his own credit card debt. Agreement clearly states he's responsible for everything that occurred after Oct 2. I'm going to be changing my name and do the best I can to hide from his creditors. Its marital property state tho, so don't know how successful I'll be. At this point, I just want to end it and move on with my life, whatever that may be.


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## Chuck71

If your name is on anything, what the court says is not worth paper written on. Creditors will still chase you....until you drop a 7 on them. Hopefully the CCs were in his name. Was any medical bills in your name as carrier and he patient?


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## HeartbrokenW

We have one joint cc, I'm paying that one and the ones in my name. The rest were in his name. Medical bills are all his. Yes he used my insurance, my lawyer told me not to pay anything that wasn't covered.


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## Freak On a Leash

Chuck71 said:


> If your name is on anything, what the court says is not worth paper written on. Creditors will still chase you....until you drop a 7 on them. Hopefully the CCs were in his name. Was any medical bills in your name as carrier and he patient?


Nothing at all is in my name. It's all his. He got his credit cards, loans, bills, etc after we separated. Same with the car, his boat, his apartment, etc. Everything is separate. I don't even know what credit cards he has. I don't know what medical bills he has but until December 31st we had great medical coverage under a group plan for our business but I canceled it as of 12/31. Now he is completely on his own and he doesn't have any health insurance. The kids and I are covered under separate plans now. Lord knows what he's been doing on his own but it's all his. 

When he informed me that he was running out of money and living off credit cards it was the proverbial straw. I told him right then and there that I was filing for divorce.


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## Freak On a Leash

HeartbrokenW said:


> Many similarities... except for alcohol, its drugs. Mine was homeless, now living with POS OW and his brother and brother's wife. Doesn't have a place for DD to stay overnight. No money, no job, he just lost his phone.


Wow..that is a real bummer.  I'm glad that mine doesn't have a POS OW. Seems to be a common scenario out there. Neither of us ever cheated on one another, which helps keep us friendly now.

The broke and homeless situation is exactly what I'm afraid will happen to my STBXH. He keeps saying it could happen! :slap: It pisses me off to no end that he went through thousands of dollars of his inheritance having himself a party and not working for 2 years. I begged him to put it in the bank and get a job. He did for awhile last summer but it didn't last long. 

Now it seems it's all gone and I don't know what he's living off of. He doesn't have a cell phone anymore. When he has my son with him I told him he could take my son's cell phone with him so that my son can call him from his apartment (he has a landline). He has no real family and talks about crashing on his friend's floor should he lose his apartment. :wtf: This is a guy who is living in a small home with his own daughter and two nephews! How can he do that? 

I'm hoping he'll get his act together eventually and get a job of some sort but where he'll wind up is anyone's guess. He's got a place now so I just take it one day at a time. Fortunately my son is at the point where in a year or so it won't be an issue. In the May my daughter will be home for summer break so if I need to go away this summer at least that's covered. 

I'm well aware that I might be the only support for my son for awhile. One reason I'm not riding my STBXH about support is that I want him to stay sober and be a positive factor in my son's life. If he can't provide financial support then he can at least be a dad to him.

My son needs his father in his life. When my STBXH is sober he's a pretty good guy. He's just lucky that I've gotten over my anger and I'm not the vengeful type. I'm rather pragmatic about this whole situation. Now that we don't live together and are completely separate financially and I'm not emotionally tied to him we are actually getting along better than we ever did. 

I just take it one step at a time.


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## Chuck71

Med bills are not a big deal compared to the jack leg CC hounds. I work with people who have credit issues.....funny if you search hard enough.....you would be amazed how many CC companies have their US home base in.....Wilmington, DE, same street too. And DE has 2nd most laxed CC laws (oh the he!! you say). SD is the most and people are already getting credit posses from there. 

Med bills can hurt your credit but just as with CCs.....pay $25 a month.....does not matter if they want $400....they can't hit your C-report and after a year they realize you know the game. Then they go 0% APR and ask $50 month and pray you don't drop a 7. Jacking the CC banks (especially UK based) is a rush to me 
8>)....it's my coke fix!!!


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## HeartbrokenW

When stbxh asked for the divorce, he was driving semi cross country. he didn't think he needed a home - he lived in his truck. But he had turned to synthetic weed so it wouldn't show up in drug tests. I've done alot of research on that crap.. you don't know what it will do to you because they keep changing the substances. Nausea, vomiting, hallucinations, seizures are all symptoms, and describes him to a T. he ended up having a seizure in KY, and his company flew in a driver to take over his load. He rented a car, packed up all his stuff from the truck and drove home. He ended up living in IL, 4 hrs away with a woman who he had worked with for 6 yrs. He swears nothing happened between them until we were separated, but you have to wonder. I still call her POS OW, though she doesn't technically fit the description. Both of them have since moved back up here and in with his brother.

I agreed to no child support. He pays support for his son in NY, and I figured if he paid what he agreed to, I'd be fine. I was paying his CS before we separated, so that was already like getting a raise. Now his ex is taking him back to court for unpaid support, and he's in serious danger of facing jail time, or losing his license.. NY doesn't mess around. He chose the drugs over our stable life... I have a real hard time feeling sorry for him. Karma.


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## Chuck71

HBW-I would wonder too....quite a bit. Run old CC receipts. There is always a paper trail (crim just background). Being a guy I admit.....I have made bonehead decisions but thankfully not that bad. He will not enjoy karma...that is a definite


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## Freak On a Leash

Chuck71 said:


> Med bills are not a big deal compared to the jack leg CC hounds. I work with people who have credit issues.....funny if you search hard enough.....you would be amazed how many CC companies have their US home base in.....Wilmington, DE, same street too. And DE has 2nd most laxed CC laws (oh the he!! you say). SD is the most and people are already getting credit posses from there.
> 
> Med bills can hurt your credit but just as with CCs.....pay $25 a month.....does not matter if they want $400....they can't hit your C-report and after a year they realize you know the game. Then they go 0% APR and ask $50 month and pray you don't drop a 7. Jacking the CC banks (especially UK based) is a rush to me
> 8>)....it's my coke fix!!!


I don't know WHAT my credit cards or med bills my husband is running up. All I know is that when I realized that he was broke and living off credit cards I filed ASAP.

When we separated and moved into separate places he didn't have any as far as I knew. I didn't either. I didn't have any credit cards until last year. I used only a debit card and realized that I needed to build up a good credit rating on my own, so I've been doing that. I pay mine off every month. 

When I applied for the cards and my daughter's car loan nothing was asked about my marital status or my husband. It's all mine. I'm assuming that's the case with him. 

I guess it'll be a wait and see situation. What's done is done at this point. He agreed that his debts are his, mine are mine but I've been told that means nothing out there in the real world. I guess we'll have to see where the chips fall. For the past 2+ years we've had NOTHING that is joint. No bank accounts, no card, no insurance, no loans..nothing. This year we filed our taxes married but filing separately. 

As far as I know he's still paying on his credit cards.. Or not. But in a month or so we'll be divorced. One reason I wanted to have a quick and speedy divorce was to get away from him and whatever debt problems he may be having or have in the future ASAP, before it gets any worse.


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## swetecynamome

I'm so sorry all of this has happened to you. Unbelievable. It sounds like you have taken all the steps you can and now, once the divorce is final, you'll be free.


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## Freak On a Leash

Thankyou..I appreciate the kind words! When you have a kid you are never really free of the other parent. However, emotionally I am free and that was the hardest part of this entire ordeal. 

Things are much better now. We went out together to the courthouse this past Thursday, filed the paperwork and are waiting on the final court date. I guess that will be that. Hopefully the STBXH will stay sober and hopefully find a way to support himself and help out with our son.


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## swetecynamome

Freak On a Leash said:


> Hopefully the STBXH will stay sober and hopefully find a way to support himself and help out with our son.


I hope all these things too. I couldn't help wondering if your ex has an untreated diagnosis like bipolar and the alcoholism is part of the self-medicating. If you mentioned this already and I missed it I'm sorry. I know it's his own responsibility, to get help, I just recognized some things, like the spending and symptoms of depression. If he were diagnosed and treated maybe there would be more of a chance things would be easier for you and your son? Again if this has been covered, I'm sorry for missing it. You've been through so much. Hang in there still.


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## Freak On a Leash

Oh yeah, he's definitely depressed and self medicating. That's when this all started. In June, 2010 he told me how he was feeling depressed and anxious. I sent him to my doctor to start the process of getting him diagnosed and treated, but he didn't stick with it. I told him that the first meds he uses will probably NOT be the last, that it's a ongoing process that may take weeks, if not months to get the right treatment and he has to stick to it. In the end it's all up to him. He has to look around and realize that the everyone else in the world isn't the problem, he isn't the victim. HE has to be the one to take the action and make the choice to get better and then proceed to do it. I'm still not sure he's in that mindset yet. 

I tried many times to get him diagnosed, into therapy, get him on medication and get him to see a doctor regularly. I even got him committed to the mental institute at the the hospital. Nothing worked. It was the proverbial "leading a horse to water but you can't make him drink" scenario. He would go for awhile and then scoff and say that it wasn't working, that they didn't know what they were doing, etc, etc..and then he'd start drinking again. And doing nothing but sitting and staring into space for hours upon hours...

So all the begging, hand holding, pleading, etc on my part didn't come to much. He'd still do the same pattern over and over again of getting depressed (probably because he DOES have a problem), drinking to self medicate, getting sick after drinking like a fish for weeks/months, crashing and burning, being detoxed/hospitalized and then being sober and doing well for a time. Now he's back to being sober but who knows how long that will last?

He did the same thing last year and put on a good show. He sold his father's house, got his own apartment, went back to work. It convinced me enough to allow my son to move in with him, start a new school in his district and then over the summer he started drinking again and ONCE AGAIN he crashed and burned and went on his destructive routine of messing his and everyone else's life up. 

But this time, instead of rushing over to his house, begging and pleading with him to get help and holding his hand through the process of recovery I told him that I'd had enough and filed for divorce. When he threw his tantrums and ranted and raved I just walked away and proceeded to fix the mess he'd made and completely cut myself off from him. No one was around to listen to his crap this time. And no one cared either. 

He is truly on his own now. He is also out of money and options so maybe, just maybe he'll figure it out and keep himself on the right track because no one is there to support him emotionally or financially anymore. I'm glad he's in AA now. That's something he refused to do before. He would literally scoff at the idea and looked down on it. He seems to like it a lot now and goes to meetings once, maybe even twice a day. I find that encouraging. 

As for myself, in the beginning I was right with him but every time he pulled this routine I could feel myself pulling away from him bit by bit each time it happened. Finally I was indeed free. I'd been wanting and waiting for it to happen and it finally did. How many times had I prayed to be free of him? Too many times to count. 

If he stays sober and gets his act together he'll have our son in his life. If he doesn't then our son will have nothing to do with him. Those words aren't mine..They are our son's. Our son has made it clear that he won't have anything to do with his father if he continues to drink. He has put his father on notice: Stay sober or he will have nothing to do with him. 

My daughter wants nothing to do with him at all and I'm at the point where if we can be friends but again, that's up to him. I will deal with him politely and cordially provided that he's a positive force in our son's life. When/if that end then he will be shut down and he will truly be alone. I have told him this already many times: "Stay sober or you will be alone."

He has no more weapons or threats to make against us. My kids and I are truly independent of him now, financially, emotionally and physically. I don't want to be in that position and am hoping that my STBXH will help support my kids but if he doesn't then I will go at it alone. Better to be alone then be pulled under by the crazy antics of an alcoholic.

So it's all on him now. If he hasn't gone and gotten himself some help on how to deal with the underlying cause of his alcoholism then he should. I've told him that time after time after time. But it's his choice and I'm out of the loop now. Finally.


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## swetecynamome

I have a friend with bipolar who self medicates heavily with alcohol. And she's on meds. Though somehow she has managed to hold it together. She's recently had some problems with moods and I tried to get her to AA a couple of years ago but to no effect. But there is no way you can be on meds and drink very much at all and have the meds do anything for you. As you know I'm sure bipolar is different from unipolar depression, completely different in the way they are treated. If someone who had bipolar is misdiagnosed with depression the meds they are put on will make them go through the roof and they won't be able to handle it. It can get as bad as taking your own life.

I just thought I would mention that. I wouldn't be alive today if I wouldn't have been properly diagnosed and medicated. But I definitely understand that there is only so much you can do for a person and it sounds like you've done so much more than your share. I'm glad you will have a life. And yes, I hope I will hold with your ex. I would say more now but I've got to get my son off and am briefly responding for now. Enjoy your morning.


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## Freak On a Leash

Lithium..do they still give people that? I thought that was seriously old school when it comes to psychotropic drugs. I'm glad you finally got yourself sorted out. 

Unfortunately there's no "right" way for anything. My son has ADHD and of course they popped him right on ritalin and it made him worse. He was on strattera for awhile and now he's not on any medication and seems to be doing fine. 

As for my husband, who knows what he has? He's been on tegratol and lexapro, valium and who knows what else? Why is he on tegratol? As far as I know he hasn't been diagnoised bipolar but he told me he's on it. 

To be honest, the man tells me a bunch of stuff and then when I press him for details he will tell me nothing at all. In October of 2011, he told me, my kids and a bunch of his friends that he had pancreatic cancer and THAT was why he became depressed and started drinking! :wtf: Ah..that was a real doozie! :smack:

Well, not long after this he was hospitalized YET AGAIN for drinking and detoxed so I went all through his house to search for evidence of this. I never found any medical records, prescriptions or indication that he has cancer. The doctors at the hospital didn't seem to know what I was talking about when I mentioned it to them. One even said "Well, he doesn't look like he has cancer." If I bring it up now he avoids the situation and says "Well, you don't believe me anyway."

He's right...I don't. 

I think he made it up. Like I said, he's got serious issues. How much if it is due to depression or the fact that this man craves attention and pity like no one else I don't know. He's pulled some real crap over the past 3 years so I don't know what to believe anymore. He lies constantly, about everything. 

I'm done trying to figure it out or care. I go by what I see now and nothing more. He tells me he's seeing a doctor and is going to AA. He SEEMS to be doing ok and he seems sober but he's still not working. He tells me he's broke but someone how still manages to pay $1300/ month for rent and still has his boat that he pays $500+/month. So who the f*ck knows? 

Today I drove through my town at 6:30pm this evening and his car was parked right on main street and he was sitting in it. Doing what, I don't know. It's dark and he's sitting in his car? He could be drinking or smoking but what is he doing 10 miles from his house just sitting in his car? :scratchhead: 

I don't know. I'm done trying to figure it out. It's just bizarre. It's very simple: If he stays sober then he can see our son. If he drinks then he won't. That's all that counts right now. If he wants to be a good father to our son it's _it's all on him_. I've washed my hands of the situation. I have better things to do then try and figure out what mental disorder or physical ailment is plaguing him this week. 

I'm not pissed off, angry or upset. I don't feel much of anything with regards to him. I got my own life to live and 2 kids to look after. They are my priority, not him. When I'm not looking after my kids and working then I'm out to have a good time. He has no real place in my life anymore. He's already wasted enough of my time anyway.


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## Freak On a Leash

It took a long time to arrive at this place. I'm pretty much at the end of a long journey and am glad I arrived. 

I think the words of Papa Roach in the song "Scars" sums it up:



> I can't help you fix yourself
> But at least I can say I tried
> I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life


I tried and it didn't work so now I'm moving on with my own life. It's pretty simple. There's no anger or sadness or anything anymore.


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## Freak On a Leash

Well, this is appropriate: I was a FOOL to get married, so what better day to get a divorce? Yep, April Fool's Day! :rofl: 

Got my notice from the court in the mail. On Monday, April 1st @ 9 am I'm to appear in court for my uncontested divorce hearing. 

One month from today. I got a month left as a married woman. :smthumbup: April 1st: D Day. The beginning of the rest of my life. 

Thats about it. Maybe we'll do lunch afterwards? MY STBXH sold my daughter's car and "that paid for the rent." He also told my son that his "budget is bigger" and he bought him a few extra burgers at lunch with him. What a guy!  The least he can do is take me to lunch! 

I won't hold my breath. I don't know what his deal is with money but I'm glad I chose this path. My son is doing much better and we are getting along great. Last night we just talked, watched TV and laughed. Now that my son is getting older we can really relate to each other and he's talking to me a lot more. He's fun and interesting and he's a good looking kid too! When he was younger I spent time with him because I felt I had to. Now I like and enjoy his company. 

Part of it might be him but a lot of it is me. I just don't really like kids. To chat with them here and there is OK but I get tired and annoyed with them quickly. I can't relate to them at all.

Now that my son is becoming more "adult" I enjoy him a lot. I just wish he'd go to a concert with me. Imagine a 15 year old boy who doesn't want to go to a Stone Sour/Papa Roach concert?  

I also see that he is doing a lot better emotionally. I think the way I've handled this divorce has helped a lot. Yes, I'm doling out the money and am the primary caretaker but it's a LOT less stressful then dealing with my STBXH. It's all on me, but I got control. I find that less stressful. 

I also find myself feeling proud and satisfied at what I'm doing with and for my kids. It's a good feeling. My son told me that he is glad that he can decide when he wants to see his father (for the most part, sometimes he's just going to see him because of my schedule). 

He said that if I'd fought with his dad and tried to use him as a weapon against his father he would never forgive me. I said "I wouldn't do that unless your father was a danger to you." He said "Many parents do that. They use their kids against the other parent in some kind of war." 

I'm glad I didn't fight that war. Instead I settled for peace. In the end I emerged whole but not without scars and wounds. But the wounds are healing. But more importantly, the real winner is my son. He has me and he will have his father in his life and I think he is doing a lot better emotionally. And I'll just get my life back. 

He is worried about his future, even at 15. I reassured him that I would always be there for him, that he would always have a roof over his head. Where it will be after he graduates from high school I dont know but he will have one. He is worried that his father will lose his apartment and I told him I can't worry about his father. Then he said "Why the heck doesn't he get a job?"

Why the heck indeed? My husband is doing a great example of showing his son how NOT to live his life. I feel it's important that I set the opposite example for him.


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## HeartbrokenW

I'm thinking about you today, Freak.


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## Chuck71

Good luck...... 

Jackyl - I Stand Alone - YouTube


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## Freak On a Leash

It's done. After 23 years it's finally over. 

I have mixed feelings. Part of me is relieved, the other part is sad. When you get married you have such hopes and dreams of building a life together, of growing old together and now it's just..gone. Ended. Of course a lot of it has been gone for awhile now but we're still friends, we still have ties (such as our children) to one another.

Divorce Court was pretty cut and dry. We had an uncontested divorce. The judge asked us a few questions about our settlement and reiterated that should we want to change our child support agreement (there is none at this time) we could come back and do so (nice to know). Then she granted us the divorce and we were given our gold seal of approval. 

We went into town, got some coffee and a snack and talked a few things out, laid some parameters to set the boundaries of our future relationship, had some a nice couple of hours chatting and went home. 

Not a bad way to end a marriage and start a divorce. At least we can be friends and co-parent effectively. The divorce cost the least amount it could cost and was done with the least amount of hassle and pain. Can't ask more than that. 

So now it's time to get on with our lives. I am now an Ex Wife. He's an Ex Husband. And so it ends, and thus it begins..


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## Freak On a Leash

I wrote this in another thread and rather liked it so I'm going to post it here. I feel it's a rather fitting way to commemorate "D Day":

This divorce happened because of me. Had I not done it, I know I'd still be married. My ex told me he didn't want it, didn't plan on it. I made it happen. It wasn't an easy decision. 

So I got what I wanted and most people think I should be jumping for joy. It was a bittersweet decision. The man I married wasn't a perfect man but he wasn't the only one who played a part in our failing marriage. I played a part..we both did. In end, I was the one who had to end it. In the beginning, he was the one who proposed marriage. I was the one who filed for divorce. 

I wrote this on my Facebook account:



> Today I'm officially single. My divorce was made final. Fortunately we are still friends and I hope to continue to be so. We share a special bond, along with two children and that binds us together in a way that no legal document can undo.
> 
> You start a marriage with hopes and dreams for a future together. When that union is shattered and then ended there are conflicting emotions. One one hand there is relief and on the other there is sadness. It's an unsettling feeling and one that will take some time to adjust to. Now I am no longer a "wife" but an "ex".
> 
> And now I close one chapter in my life and begin another. And so it ends..and thus it begins.


So yes, it's a milestone. Am I happy? No. I'm relieved and glad to now have the freedom to move on but I'm sad too. The anger and the bitterness of the last few years was what propelled me forward to do what I had to do to make this very difficult decision. But that's no longer needed. I feel like a runner that trained and ran a marathon and now is done running the race and is feeling drained and exhausted. 

Now it's the aftermath and I'm left to contemplate the smoking ruins of a failed marriage, rebuild my life and head off into a new direction to start anew. 

I feel good because I've handled it well. It was a bad marriage that will hopefully turn into a good divorce for both of us.


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## Chuck71

Well put........ welcome to Divorceland. You get a pin and a brochure at the door. Say hi to Vito, he's the doorman.


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## Freak On a Leash

Chuck71 said:


> Well put........ welcome to Divorceland. You get a pin and a brochure at the door. Say hi to Vito, he's the doorman.


:lol: Is Vito hot? I'm available now.  

I got this certificate with a gold seal. And I get to keep my sanity. I think that's worth the price of admission.


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## Chuck71

Vito.....he's a.......... friend of a friend

He's ovah dere....wit his kid sistuh... Maria

Vito's got a goal seal too....three in fact

My D was two months before yours....had same emotions

Sad, glad, regressed, depressed but in my heart

I knew I did the right thing

But my ex now, 47, blocks me from FB

Now I'm scared she will rat me out to my aunt

for secretly not liking her green beans back in 1998


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## Freak On a Leash

:lol: :rofl: My ex (Kinda funny saying that now) isn't on my FB. In fact, I don't think he has facebook anymore. I'm not even on my daughter's facebook! There are things I'd rather not know. 

I don't really want my ex there but I think if he did join we'd have a lot of the same friends and all he has to do is ask them what's going on if he really wants to find out. 

He might not like some of the things that are going on. I've "reconnected" with some people that he doesn't "approve" of but there's not a damn thing he can do about it so who cares? He'll have to deal with it. 

Welcome to Divorceland.


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## HeartbrokenW

Chuck71 said:


> ....had same emotions
> 
> Sad, glad, regressed, depressed but in my heart
> 
> I knew I did the right thing


This sums up how I felt too. I've been in the process of changing back to my maiden name. My D was final on Feb 25, and finally got my stuff changed at work yesterday. Its been another long road of being in limbo. Glad that's over.


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## Chuck71

HbW-I offered my ex $100 to take her maiden or previous last name. She is behind on her cell pill so there still may be hope!


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## Freak On a Leash

I have NO desire to take back my maiden name. I like my ex husband a heck of a lot better than the family I grew up with. I "divorced" them 10 years ago and have no regrets. 

Plus, I have kids and it makes it less confusing to everyone to have the same last name. And I've had my married name longer than I did my maiden name. 

If I had a good relationship with my parents, siblings I might think about it. Of if I didn't have kids or had only been married a few years. If the divorce is bitter I can see why you'd want to shed your married name too.


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## Chuck71

Had co-worker named Stanley who married girl with last name Stanley. He thought it would be cool to take her last name. Went through all the legals and when he had his DL made, he thought it was idiotic. Really? LOL

He also talked to trees and tried to convince us they had feelings. Was member of Triple Nine Society....(btw he is single now....interested? lol).

He now works in a paper mill. Every time I tried to figure him out I ended up drinking a fifth and calling it a night.


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## Freak On a Leash

Chuck71 said:


> Had co-worker named Stanley who married girl with last name Stanley. He thought it would be cool to take her last name. Went through all the legals and when he had his DL made, he thought it was idiotic. Really? LOL
> 
> He also talked to trees and tried to convince us they had feelings. Was member of Triple Nine Society....(btw he is single now....interested? lol).


:lol::rofl: Oh yeah..that sounds like MY kind of guy! I might be crazy but I'm not nuts so I'll pass.


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## 3Xnocharm

Freak On a Leash said:


> I have NO desire to take back my maiden name. I like my ex husband a heck of a lot better than the family I grew up with. I "divorced" them 10 years ago and have no regrets.
> 
> Plus, I have kids and it makes it less confusing to everyone to have the same last name. And I've had my married name longer than I did my maiden name.
> 
> If I had a good relationship with my parents, siblings I might think about it. Of if I didn't have kids or had only been married a few years. If the divorce is bitter I can see why you'd want to shed your married name too.


I was going to keep my last married name, but it is the same as The B!tch's, and after what they both did to me, it made me literally want to vomit to have her name. So I changed back to my previous name, which I had had the longest.


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## Freak On a Leash

3Xnocharm said:


> I was going to keep my last married name, but it is the same as The B!tch's, and after what they both did to me, it made me literally want to vomit to have her name. So I changed back to my previous name, which I had had the longest.


I can see that. I'd probably do the same thing. If my ex eventually marries I'd be able to deal with it but if he'd cheated on me and married someone else I'd take back my maiden name. 

Fortunately, as painful as my marriage was, the divorce was quite amicable and we are still friends. I still have issues with him but I am not really angry or bitter about it. But if he'd cheated it would a whole different story. 

My ex once said I wasn't a jealous person. I looked at him and laughed and said "How could know me for almost 30 years and say that?" 

I guess I hid it well but I'm a very jealous person and he would not have liked to have dealt with me had he cheated on me. It would've been a whole different situation indeed. 

It's weird. Now that I'm divorced I've been reconnecting with people from my past (thank you Facebook!). One of them is the man I went out with when I was 17 and almost married at 23. We broke up 6 weeks before our wedding and remained friends. Eventually he moved away and we just sort of drifted apart. I always wanted to see how he was doing but my ex was so irrational and jealous about my past relationships I just let it go. 

So I emailed him and found him on FB and we've been chatting. He sent me some pics of him and his new wife and I have to admit, I felt a strange twinge seeing him with another woman. Of course when I had him he was MUCH hotter. 

It was nice to catch up with him again. I did ask him if he had told his wife that he was chatting with his now divorced ex fiancee who had found him on Facebook. He said "Yes, we don't keep secrets". I was glad to hear that. I'd like to meet her someday but I will admit, looking at those pictures I was feeling a bit envious. 

But it never would've worked anyway. If anything, I am glad he found someone who made him happy. But once you're with someone, even 30 years later you feel something when you see them with someone else. At least I do.


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## Chuck71

"Us crazies gotta stick together" - Dixie Lee Boxx

Long Gone (1987) Virginia Madsen


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## HeartbrokenW

For me, the decision to go back to my maiden name had to do with ending his 13 yrs of lies. Keeping his name meant I accepted what he did to me. I wanted a fresh start. And an attempt to lay low from his creditors. He hasn't worked much since Oct, and has gone steadily downhill. My daughter is 13, and we discussed it before I made my decision.


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## vi_bride04

I went back to my maiden name b/c its just a part of who I am. I never wanted to change it to begin with. 

I really made the decision to change it back when my ex mentioned before I filed that he would "be proud" if I kept his name....why? I don't know. And I didnt 'feel like having the same last name as him, his first ex wife, his kids or his new wife...and whoever else he marries down the road LOL


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## Freak On a Leash

HeartbrokenW said:


> Keeping his name meant I accepted what he did to me. I wanted a fresh start. And an attempt to lay low from his creditors. He hasn't worked much since Oct, and has gone steadily downhill. My daughter is 13, and we discussed it before I made my decision.


I feel no affinity with my maiden name. In fact, my childhood was so bad and my family so dysfunctional that just hearing that name puts my stomach in knots. I'd rather just get a new name than have that one. But I feel the need to go through the trouble.

The laying low from whatever creditors are going after my ex husband would probably be THE thing that would make me take my maiden name. He says he is going to file for bankruptcy and that he was just waiting for our divorce to come through. 

I KNOW that all those credit cards and the boat loan are coming to haunt my ex so he has to do something. UNLESS he really does have a pile of money hidden away. I suspect he might because he still gets VERY cagey about money. The other day it came up I kept asking him HOW he supporting himself without working if he doesn't have any money. He says he "has a budget and is stretching it out". The man just keeps on about how he can't be stressed or he'll start drinking. You'd think the possibility of extreme poverty, homelessness, etc would have that effect too but that doesn't seem to concern him much. 

I could see him putting aside JUST enough money to eek it out until the day my son turns 18 in 3 years and then child support won't be an issue. If that's the case I will make sure those 3 years are deprived ones and I hope he goes to fiery hell for depriving his son of support for his own selfish needs during these years. 

I'd LIKE to think better of him but I have a mistrustful streak that tends to be cynical. If my children had been 10 years younger I would've been much aggressive about the money issue for sure.


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## Freak On a Leash

I've linked to this thread a few times recently and figured I'd give it a final update:

After the divorce on April 1, we parted amicably enough. He would see my son most weekends and we did our taxes together. He helped me take the hard doors off my Jeep but we never really socialized again. We basically kept on the same way we had before. 

We went along until about the end of April and then I got a bill for the last $1600 health insurance premium from December 2012 that he hadn't paid, didn't plan to pay but went to the doctor and put claims into the insurance company anyway. It was in my name so it was something that I got stuck with. He steadfastly refused to help me pay this bill. 

To make matters worse, he won't pay me ANY child support at all, which qualifies him as a "Deadbeat Dad". In May he started working for himself doing the same thing that I earn my living at so that he now directly competes against my business. Now he is not only NOT giving me money but is taking business away from me as well. And I'm the one supporting our kids! 

I broke off contact with him completely this past May and told him that if my son wants to see him they can make arrangements for visitation separately. He is not under any circumstances to contact me unless it is about making support payments of some sort or helping me with the health insurance bill (which I'm still paying for). He is forbidden to enter my apartment and I told him that I will call the police if I see him enter my building. 

Haven't heard or seen him except to see his truck when he picks my son up. My son calls him on his phone and his father calls him when he arrives. My son goes out to him. 

My daughter continues to have nothing to do with him. On Father's Day out of a sense of loss or guilt I suppose he sent her a letter. She refused to read it and asked me to. In it was the usual set of excuses and apologies about how sorry he was about the things he did, about taking away the car and he hopes some day to make it up to her, etc, etc. She dismissed it as the drivel it is. 

For her 19th birthday he gave his daughter, a college student who works to put herself through college and buys all her own clothes and pays for her own car (thanks to him) a gift consisting of:

Pot roast, gravy and mashed potatoes.

A bottle of sparkling apple soda and chocolate pretzels. 

:wtf: For the money he spent on that he couldn't have given her a $20 gift certificate to Victoria's Secret! I told my son "Don't worry, for your Sweet 16 in November he'll make you a turkey with stuffing." :rofl:

Needless to say that my daughter, who is constantly watching her weight, wasn't impressed. The pot roast, gravy and potatoes sat in the fridge uneaten for a week. Then I had a plate and threw it out. My son drank the soda and my daughter ate half the pretzels. She never acknowledged the gift. 

I'm hoping he'll send us a ham for Christmas but I'm not holding my breath. 

Actually not having contact at all has worked VERY well emotionally for me to the point where I don't even mind not getting money from him because now I have no reason to deal with him at all. Best thing I ever did was cut ties and I don't plan on changing it. 

Even if he does start paying me I don't plan or want to have anything to do with him again. Fortunately my daughter, who I am very close to, doesn't want anything to do with him ever so it's pretty much just my son and as it stands now things work out fine. 

I plan to leave the area in a few years so that'll make things even better. We don't have any mutual friends or activities so I haven't any reason or opportunity to see him unless it's through my son. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. 

And that's pretty much it. Life goes on..


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## Freak On a Leash

Almost a year after the divorce it's time to update.

My 16 year old son and I never got along very well living together. Problem is, we are very much alike. Both stubborn and we love a good debate (especially with each other). We are both moody as well and need our "alone" time and when we got in each other's way..well, let's just say it wasn't a good situation. 

As time went on my son figured out how to play his father off on me. My ex didn't actually have to DO anything. My son and I would disagree, he'd threaten to go over to his fathers every time I tried to discipline him or establish my authority over him. My ex, who likes to be the "good guy", the "hero", would of course come and pick him up. I don't know if he told him what a b!tch I was or did or said anything at all to encourage my son nor did I much care. At this point my ex and I hadn't actually spoken to each other or had any contact at all for months. 

Then my son and I had a fight and sure enough, he threatened to go over to his fathers. I told him if he did so he should stay there. My son left and I texted him and told him to stay there until he learned how to show respect for his mother. So he did stay there... for the entire summer. My son told me until I apologized he wouldn't call or speak to me. 

So I didn't apologize and he didn't call...for 2 months. I told him if he came home it was to be under my rules. That this was my house and my word and rules were not to be challenged. He decided to stay with his father. I kept him in my school district for half the year. I wanted to be sure his father, who had been in AA for a year now, wouldn't be backsliding. He didn't. He was still sober. 

So after Christmas, after my son had a series of run ins and problems with the school he was in during the first part of his sophomore year, I called my ex husband and proposed that our son should move in with him permanently and attend the school in his district, which my son had attended and liked during his freshman year. We had a very civil conversation and agreed to do what was best for our son. My son likes living with his father, likes the school where his father lives and my ex likes having my son live with him so it looked like win-win all around.

I love living alone (with the exception of when my daughter comes home from college, but she and I get along great so no issues there). I proposed that since my son would be living with his father instead of me, I would pay for my son's expenses. All his needs are met and paid for by me, which is a lot more the my ex did for my son when he lived with me. 

The only thing my ex has to do is make sure he attends school, deal with the school and feed him. I see my son regularly, have fun with him and now I'm "the good parent" who plays laser tag with him, takes him on road trips and treats him to nice meals and movies. :smthumbup:

What I have is freedom. The freedom to take trips, to go camping, hiking and skiing. To go out and party with my buddies. And so I've done this. My ex was always a homebody and still is. I've always been the restless one, the one who wants to go on trips and go out at night and now I'm free to do so. 

My son tells me what's up with his father and I believe him. My ex still goes to AA and that's his circle of friends. Works for all of us. I've told my son that should his father "backslide" and start drinking that my son is always welcome to come back to live with me..that he never has to feel that he has to stay there should his father start drinking again. 

As for my daughter, after she pretty much ignored her father's card at Thanksgiving (but kept the $20 he put in it) he got the hint and hasn't contacted her since.

Holiday schedules have been decided by my son. I told him to let me know what he wants to do. He decided to spend Thanksgiving Day with me and his sister and his father did a meal with him the following day. He told me that he felt he should spend Christmas Day with his father and spent Christmas Eve with us, when we gave him his presents. My daughter and I spent a wonderful Christmas together so it worked out quite well. 

I bought gifts for both of them, with a bit more for my daughter because, as I suspected, she got nothing from her "father". She said that was fine with her. As far as she's concerned, he's a nonentity. "The Father that I had is gone" she tells me. She says little else about him except that she is glad he's gone. For the first time in years we had a stress free and truly happy holiday season. 

But my son loves his dad and does wish we talked and were friends. I've told him that his father's actions caused this and he needs to realize that. If it had been up to me, we would've been friends but I now realize how peaceful and happy life is without him and like it that way and have no desire to change anything. What we have now is how it's going to remain for the foreseeable future. 

My son was hoping that after our one phone conversation concerning him this past December that we would resume a friendship. I informed him that nothing had changed. I needed to talk to him about something important concerning our son and I did. Now it's back to the occasional texting. My son is disappointed but I feel that he has to accept the situation. 

I don't feel much for my ex at all. No anger or hatred or anything. I don't miss him at all. I just am glad he's out of my life and have no desire to deal with him more than necessary. If it wasn't for my son he'd be gone completely. I realize that there will be times I'll see him and I'll treat him with courtesy like I would anyone else. 

I have plans to move away in 2 years once my kids graduate and I don't expect I will see my ex more than a handful of times in the future unless things change drastically. Considering that I'm content with how things are now I don't see it happening. 

We have no formal legal agreements. No custody or child support agreements. When I want to see my son I call my son and work it out and keep my ex informed as to what I'm doing with him. He texts "OK" or tells me what my son needs and I take care of it. 

Now that he's actually physically raising my son and taking care of his day to day needs all the anger and resentment I felt about his being a "deadbeat dad" is gone. IMO he's not a deadbeat anymore. He's an active and necessary part of my son's life so he's doing good. IMO, that's all that matters so it's all good. 

And my life is good. I love being single. I don't care if I meet anyone else or date or have anything to do with relationships or any of that crap. I am too busy having fun and after a nice winter of skiing (and two ski trips with my daughter) I'm looking forward to taking up backpacking and doing the usual kayaking and camping trips and partying it up and chillin' at the beach. :smthumbup:

So I guess..that's "Life After Divorce"..At least for me. A year later. 

"All I want is a little of the good life..All I want is to have a good time!" :toast:


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