# Coping with wife talking to other men



## Badgervette (Aug 22, 2015)

OK. I need real help. I'm not sure at all what to do or what is right anymore. I've been married since May and my wife drinks about 2 times a week. Every time she drinks, she changes and becomes more aggressive and a loud talker. She also cant slow down and walks up to the local bars. She is pretty and gets hit on constantly but I have zero reason to not trust her other then she talks back to these guys hitting on her. I love her and she loves me but when she drinks, I worry about so much. I am not a big drinker and I do not neglect her in the slightest but nothing I say will get her to stop drinking or walking to bars or talking to guys. She will not stop and counseling is also off the table for her. We have been together for 2.5 years and married since May. I thought she would slow down after we got married but it has not happened. Do I just let her be her and deal with this thing I hate or do I keep pushing back or do I just end this. I need some real advice and help. Thank you


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Hmm. I'd be tempted to end it.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Two books to read...
https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf
and
Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.
One is free with the link and the other may cost around $15.
Start reading.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Hmm. I'd be tempted to end it.


Gus I saw this at the recorders office :grin2:
Taste of Polonia Festival - 4 days of Music

end t/j


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You married her knowing that this is what she is like. Things that are not good before marriage only be worse after marriage. She's not marriage material. 

If she will not stop this behavior, then the only suggestion I can think of is for you to divorce her.


----------



## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

I'm sorry you are here bro, how old are you and your wife?

And do you drink wisconsibly?


----------



## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

Sounds like she has a bit of a drinking problem. That's not to say she drinks too heavily, although perhaps she does, but when she drinks, it radically changes her behavior. That is not a good sign. In fact, it sounds like she's a budding alcoholic. 

Having been a recovered alcoholic now for many years, her drinking and "messing up", for lack of a better term, is likely to get worse as the years go by. If she is what she sounds like she may be, good luck getting her to agree to stop. My bet is that it will take some pretty degrading things to happen before she hits a real bottom. You're in for a very bumpy ride, is my guess.


----------



## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

your wife is a drunk and loves attention from other men.
when she is drunk she's likely banging other dudes.

just end it and move on.


----------



## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

annulment?

you clearly weren't thinking straight to marry a drunken flirt.

she's drinking at home, then needs to walk to a bar? if you still have booze at home, it's the dudes she's looking for!

unless she agrees to treatment or at least to talk to someone about this issue, don't get her pregnant, and start developing an exit plan


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

She's an affair waiting to happen. I wouldn't be surprise if she's has several ONS that you're not aware of. Neither spouse should be bar hopping/clubbing. You're married now. That type of behavior is for those on the prowl. To be dealing with this after just a few months of marriage is reason enough to pursue an annulment.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Constable Odo said:


> your wife is a drunk and loves attention from other men.
> when she is drunk she's likely banging other dudes.
> 
> just end it and move on.


*She may not be banging OM right this very minute, but given her  modus operandi, if she isn't already, it is clearly only a matter of time! Just be forewarned!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Badgervette said:


> OK. I need real help. I'm not sure at all what to do or what is right anymore. I've been married since May and my wife drinks about 2 times a week. Every time she drinks, she changes and becomes more aggressive and a loud talker. She also cant slow down and walks up to the local bars. She is pretty and gets hit on constantly but I have zero reason to not trust her other then she talks back to these guys hitting on her. I love her and she loves me but when she drinks, I worry about so much. I am not a big drinker and I do not neglect her in the slightest but nothing I say will get her to stop drinking or walking to bars or talking to guys. She will not stop and counseling is also off the table for her. We have been together for 2.5 years and married since May. I thought she would slow down after we got married but it has not happened. Do I just let her be her and deal with this thing I hate or do I keep pushing back or do I just end this. I need some real advice and help. Thank you


Getting married didn't fix the problems so chalk that up as a lesson learned. Here's what you can do; you can decide what you're willing to live with and what you're not willing to live with based on how you think people should treat one another in marriage. Then she gets to choose whether she can be the wife you need or not. Honestly it sounds like she wasn't ready to be married and shouldn't be married. When you say she gets aggressive, loud, and flirty, I think what you're saying is that she doesn't care if you like how she acts or not. That's a show stopper for a marriage Badgervette.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Your fault. You knew she had a drinking problem before you married her and had the notion that a wedding band and vows would be a cure all for a semi and soon to be full blown alcoholic. Combine that with the fact that she gets hit on and responds to the guys hitting on her........................your fault.

Comes down to this. She won't agree to counseling? Fine. Tell her that she has a choice. Either she gets help with counseling and gets into AA or she gets served with divorce papers. 

Make sure you tell her this when she's stone cold sober and tell her in a way that she knows your not just blowing hot air and trying to scare her. If she tells you no, then you file and have her served but friend, you brought this one yourself and the problem was right in front of you and you chose to look the other way. Your fault.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Hope the wedding didn't cost too much.


----------



## Tobin (Jun 24, 2015)

Badgervette said:


> I thought she would slow down after we got married but it has not happened.


I'm curious why you would think getting married would fix the problem? If anything, people get worse after they get married.


----------



## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

This is a hard situation because if you try to intervene on this situation, she probably won't react well...not being really convicted with her current lifestyle. It doesn't bother her, so she is going to struggle with acquiescing to your concerns.

Having said that, I believe you ought to make a firm confront....but don't do it half-****ed without your expectations being firm and well-defined. Decide for yourself what is acceptable and unacceptable.

Don't come off controlling or needy...she may have already picked up on your passive complaints and railroaded you. But that doesn't mean you demand her submission (unless she likes that sorta thing).

Give her the freedom of her choice. First decide for yourself what is acceptable and what is dealbreaker. Don't come at it like you want to punish her, but that you come to her with respect and say:

"I have been having a problem with your increased drinking and the changes in your personality when you do drink. You become a different person. I also don't like when you interact with other men while drinking either. You may not agree, but it is not a healthy condition for marriage...and I can't be a part of it, as it has been bothering me for some time, as you may or may not know. 

"However, I am not going to force you to change, I am willing to let you decide what course of action you want to take...and then I will respond by following through with what I have made up my mind about. I made the mistake of thinking that marriage would change you, but I don't want to change you anymore. I want to be the one to change and that's by taking charge of my life and standing for what I believe. I expect my wife to stand with me in that. I hope you can be that wife, but if we aren't in agreement, then I have already decided how best to go our separate ways."


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

^ Let it be known, you're good!


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Badger this won't get better until SHE wants help.
This will not get better until then personally until you put divorce on the table.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm a recovering alcoholic and all I can tell you is that you are enabling her behavior. 

She needs to bottom out. The best gift you could give her is divorce. Her drinking and self destructive tendencies are far stronger than her love for you.


----------



## TJA (Aug 24, 2015)

This does sound frustrating. I am not much of a drinker myself so I have been in a similar situation before. 

The thing is it's quite natural to flirt. 

And adding alcohol into the equation certainly doesn't help.

I know this is a very basic question but are you sure that she's aware that she is flirting? 

Meanwhile it can seem obvious to you she might even be aware of it. 

So even though it sounds basic In my opinion the first step is to figure out if she's aware that she is flirting.


----------



## TJA (Aug 24, 2015)

As for the drinking... 

Drinking twice a week doesn't sound like a serious alcohol problem to me. I don't know how much she actually drinks on those two days. Is she just getting tipsy or does she drink to the point of getting unconscious.

Your wife could just be a social person who likes to go out. 

If you think she actually has a drinking problem then understand that drinking is a kind of escape from reality. 

So if she is very stressed, depressed or have other issues she might engage in excessive drinking.

It doesn't sound to me like she's a raging alcoholic but you would know better.


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> I'm a recovering alcoholic and all I can tell you is that you are enabling her behavior.
> 
> She needs to bottom out. The best gift you could give her is divorce. Her drinking and self destructive tendencies are far stronger than her love for you.


This. Recently realized my ExW is a sneaky alcoholic and has been since before her affair. It is gutting. 
Try suggesting a few drink free weeks. If she can't or you get. " I don't want to" you have your answer


----------

