# Discovered affair that began this year



## HowardDuck (Feb 7, 2011)

First I would like to say I am glad I found this site. I have been dealing with suspicions and just found out today my suspicions were true. My wife is in an active affair.

I am 43 and she is 42. We own a small auto repair shop and we work together every day. We have 3 children, ages 5,8 and a 17 year old. All girls. The 17 year old is my daughter from a previous relationship. 

We have been married 11 years. 

My wife met what I now call a Toxic Friend. She was introduced by a mutual friend and I considered her harmless (at first). My wife took a liking to the TF and has been to her cabin for "girl's weekend" last December. 

My wife decided to forgo New Years Eve at home with me and the kids to go to the TF's house. First time ever I spent New Years Eve without her. My wife's excuse: "She needs help, hope you understand".

I didn't deny her, and actually went along with it but it sparked my suspicions. 

A few days later, my wife sat me down for a chat and requested that I move out of the house! We have grown apart but I had no idea it had gotten that bad. We run the business together and we had what I thought was a good thing going. 

I stated I was not going to move out, and if we need to work on the marriage I was all for doing whatever it takes to save the marriage. No sleep that night.

My wife and the TF had planned a Cancun vacation (which is where she is right now as I type). I went along with those plans as well, never having any reason not to trust my wife. But the confrontation of wanting a separation out of the blue made me think the TF was behind this. I contacted the friend who introduced them and she vouched for the TF, saying she was not a threat. 

As fate would have it, I discovered a note on my wife's desk at work. Hand written and under a stack of 2 or 3 pieces of paper (recent writings). I thought it was a letter to me. Instead it was a letter outlining her affair with the OM. She said she was falling in love with him. She wrote down his name and wrote of "naughty chats" with him. 

That night I decided to do some PI work. I took her phone (an Android phone) and backed up her entire text message history to a file readable on my computer. That's where I discovered the affair. She has been lying to me, went to dinner with him and even introduced him to another friend of ours (a female friend). 

I looked through her emails and found that other friends were aware of the relationship as well. 

Her texts to him started around Jan 23rd, 2011 so the relationship is fresh.

I went with my wife to a friends cabin this past weekend (couples weekend) but was very uncomfortable thinking she was wanting to leave me. I purposely did NOT check the emails and texts until this morning after I dropped her off at the airport. 

She has been lying to me and assuring me she "is not that kind of girl" and that I can trust her. This was when she asked for me to leave the house. I directly asked her if she was in a relationship with the TF or someone else. She said no. I believed her.

Now I am faced with a dilemma. I can log on to her facebook, which I already have and jotted down all of the OM's info. I am tempted to contact him now. I am tempted to shut down her phone. I am tempted to pack her things but I really want this marriage to work.

I feel so betrayed and I am sure I have written the dead sea scrolls, so I need top stop and let you people chime in and help me. 

I am so confused. I have been reading lots here but need immediate help to sort this out. 

BTW - we are in debt with the business, in debt with the house and we have a car payment as well. In the event of divorce it will mean bankruptcy. I want to save this and have a brighter future. I want to know how to handle her when she gets home this Sunday. 

I haven't done anything other than information gather so far. 

Thanks for reading.


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## breathe (Feb 2, 2011)

You don't have to like the other man, but your primary beef is with her, not him. You are married to her, I would suggest not contacting him (I have been in a similar situation). Contacting him will not solve anything and it will not save your marriage. Your problem is with her, and she has moved in a different direction. She must want to naturally be with you, I don't believe people can be convinced to love someone. Any confronting should be done with her and not this other guy.


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## HowardDuck (Feb 7, 2011)

What, if anything, should I do while she is away in Cancun this week with her TF?

I believe my wife still loves me. I have been scouring this site and the word "fog" comes up a lot. 

Also, this OM is feeding her emotional desires, where I have been lacking. 

I plan on taking concrete steps to make myself more available to her at home, get home earlier, talk more, etc... I can only hope I discovered this soon enough that it can be fixed.

Looks like there needs to be exposure. Makes sense to wait until she returns but I can't help thinking she is texting him from Cancun, further distancing herself from me....

Another word I discovered here was "lovebusters".... Off to dig into that now.


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## breathe (Feb 2, 2011)

You are probably right, most likely she is contacting him. It's tough, and I feel for you, but there is nothing you can do right now. You must get her in front of you to talk about the relationship, and not over the phone. Hopefully she is open to counseling. He is feeding her emotional needs, but that type of relationship she is in right now is doomed in my opinion, it will only be temporary. There is hope if you want to save this, but she must be willing.


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## HowardDuck (Feb 7, 2011)

Thank you. I know it's going to be a long week for me.... to say the least!

I also learned the OM is a divorcee with an 8 year old daughter.

The TF is a divorcee as well. Her husband cheated on her and her recent engagement was foiled by cheating again.

Ironic huh?


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## breathe (Feb 2, 2011)

Yeah, the TF is not helping the situation, but if you & the wife can get back on the same page the TF will be easier to deal with. Right now your wife is obviously on her side. I hope things work out, keep us posted.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

1st, you should have never let her goto Cancun.
**Make sure all the kids are out of the house for the weekend if possible**

You've got all the evidence now, lay it out on a table when she gets home. Leave for a while (why leave, because she'll drop WW3 on your head instantly for spying on her and not respecting her privacy. Go figure, she cheats and you're the a-hole for spying on her. Yes my wife was the a-hole for snooping around to discover my affair.

At this point some cheaters will blow up the phone of the other spouse trying to find out where they went to and why did they leave. Ignore the calls, take time to make sure you'll be calm when you finally see her. Answering right away will cause her to yell at you for walking out and the blaming game starts.

Go back home and ask her one question "Do you want to save our marriage?"

Yes, you go on to step 2 to work on reconciling.

No, then you still have 2 options

1) Fight tooth and nail for the marriage (be prepared to have your heart torn out and shredded over and over) and hope you get through to her eventually. This process is very painful and you literally die a slow and painful death because she'll be still seeing the OM or Other MEN. Most of the stories I've seen on this board going with this approach almost never worked and in the end the cheated spouse just throws in the towel and gives up or just allows the cheater to keep on cheating just so that they can be with their spouse.

2) File for divorce, this also has 2 effects. The cheating spouse agrees and you both divorce and go your own way. Or this sometime shocks the cheater enough to get them out of the fog and re-assess what they have been doing. My wife finally chose this route after choosing option #1 just to see me gone every weekend for about 3 or 4 months after discovering the affair.

Now, the 1st thing you need to do before seeing your wife is see an attorney (just in case) to talk about the kids and finances. Most attorneys give a free initial consultation, just go in to see what it might cost and what your options are.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

sorry to hear about your troubles. I learned myself to read all the other threads, (The sticked ones are the most important IMO). I myself am only a month in trying to figure things out, and work on my Marriage after finding out about my wifes affair (with my exbest friend no less). My wifes started back on Dec 16th. Read, read, read while you have the time is my best advice. Then start asking questions by making threads like this one.


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## HowardDuck (Feb 7, 2011)

Thank you. If there's one thing I have, it's time. Time to read. Time to consult an attorney. Time to cool down.

I'll be picking her up from the airport Sunday. I am doing my best not to let on that I know anything. I am going about my business as if life were grand.

Thank you to everyone with advice. I appreciate it.


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## HowardDuck (Feb 7, 2011)

In order for me to get the kids out of the house, I would need to confide in my wife's brother. I could take the young ones to their house, and get home alone with my wife. 

I don't like the idea of leaving a pile of evidence on the table for her. I think she will just run to the OM for help. 

I like the advice of confront her then expose the whole thing. To the OM, to her family, my family, the OM's family and all of our friends. All the while reassuring my wife I love her and want to fix this!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Is it passible that the OM is with her in Cancun? If not let it go until Sunday. 
Is she calling and checking in? If she is that has got to be tuff.

I think I would call her and let her know what you found. I just couldn't handle my wife having a good time while you hurt. IDK, but telling her now....this may give her time to think about her discision she is making while she's gone.

It's a tough call. 

Telling her know will ruin her vacation but give her time to think. 

or

Not telling her will give you time to think, either way you will have time to prepare, were in her case she is not. 

WAIT !

I think I have it- Don't tell her and when and if she checks in tell how much you miss her and the kids are just dieing to see her. Tell her this time away has given you time to think and how much you miss her and that you want the marriage to work, and even tell her how sorry you are for taking her for granted, and the time away has made you think about all the things you want to change about your self.

I mean lay it on thick, just get her thinking about...well how much you love her and with her gone and all. Bring in the kids again, This will getter her think about the family.

Were as if you tell her she may be inclined to just say...screw it he's divorcing me any way, when I get back I may as well let loose.

Do you get my meaning.


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## HowardDuck (Feb 7, 2011)

No, the OM is posting on his FB status and is talking about his sick kid getting him sick. He's in town here.

I can't prove that they have slept together either, but the chats are pretty serious, and his birthday is Feb 9th (while she is away). She was "naughty" in a chat (her words) and she referred to him "thinking about his birthday present" which I inferred as a blowjob or sex.... After their dinner date, she told a friend she stayed up til 4AM talking to him. And she refers to his text "I prefer being on the bottom" by saying "I'll have to file that away for future reference"... 

I have to wait till she gets back. No choice. I don't want her to be able to plan her replies. Her excuses. 

I want to be able to confront her and hear her first reaction replies. 

I also want to know this can be saved....

Am I naive to think she hasn't committed the "act" yet?


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

So sorry you have to go through this HowardDuck, it's even worse because you can't get any answers until Sunday. 

Honestly, only your wife can answer the question as to whether or not she's been physically unfaithful. But if the TF has been telling her it's okay to have sex with the OM, odds are she probably listened to her friend. Girlfriends can be a huge influence on a woman. I've actually talked some friends out of pursuing an EA or PA in the past. But if I had given the green light instead, my friends may have not resisted temptation.

Every situation is different and I'm only a month from d-day, but I would say you have to do what feels right for you. I found out about my husband's affair through a third person and it was devastating. I didn't tell anyone until I had a chance to confront him and it was his reaction that helped guide me in what to do next.

I got the "trickle truth" for hours. After bluffing that I could get a transcript of his texts, I finally got the big reveal that he had sex with the OW twice. At that moment I told him we were getting divorced. I believe it's also the moment the fog lifted and he realized he didn't want to loose me. I've been pretty much going by gut instinct most of the time, but it seems to be serving me well.

Marriage counseling is a must in my opinion. We've been going once a week since I found out and we're both hopeful that we can save our marriage. It's not easy and I don't know how those that have unremorseful spouses stay strong. I did end up telling my close girlfriends (and they told their spouses) and my husband's family about his affair. I did not tell my family, but that was for me not my DS.

Good luck and know you are not alone.


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## HowardDuck (Feb 7, 2011)

Thank you, Saffron. I can only hope that I discovered the affair before they have been able to have sex. I can only prove through text logs that they went to dinner, went to a local college bar and ran off to the casino once. Three separate encounters. Opportunity is there with cars, local motels and the casino has a hotel as well. 

Pardon my ignorance, but what is "d-day"? Is that a divorce date? Or is it the "day of discovery"?

Thank you. Everyone. It sure helps to bounce this off complete strangers!


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## HowardDuck (Feb 7, 2011)

My mind is taxed with thought of what to do. I haven't done any of the knee-jerk reaction type things I wanted to do (go to the OM's workplace and grab his cell phone and run!) so I am festering here.

I texted my wife this morning and told her the how much we miss her, the dog thought the walk was too cold, etc... and that I loved her and hoped she was having a good time. My tongue is still sore from biting it. She replied almost instantly with an "I miss everyone too, and I love you all!".

So much for a texting blackout (Sprint has no service in Cancun so all texts are gonna be $$$)

Can't help thinking she is texting the OM with the same "Miss you!" and "Can't wait to see you!" 

Then there's the TF right next to her coaching her daily on how to deal with me when she returns. I'll bet she's played out different scenarios, since she went through the cheating husband then divorce road. 

The OM is a single, divorced dad with an 8 year old daughter I presume lives with him (and a roommate I discovered).

The TF is a divorced woman with a twisted sense of how to help a new friend (push her away from the LS instead of working it out). Maybe she is living vicariously through my wife to get back at the men of the world? 

My wife is vulnerable right now as I type and I wish I could do SOMETHING before she gets back that won't blow up in my face.

The TF is a smart cookie, and any tip-offs prior to returning will only empower the friggin' TF!

Gotta stay focused....


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## HowardDuck (Feb 7, 2011)

My home-brewed Plan of Action:

Have the kids stay at a neighbor’s house while I go to the airport to pick up Wife.

Act normal at the airport (It’ll be easy to grab her and hold her and tell her how much I miss and love her, that much is REAL easy!)

The drive home should be normal too. No tipping the hat for what is about to happen.

Get home and she will wonder where the girls are. I’ll tell her they are at the neighbors because I want to talk alone.

Then the hard part….where to start….

First instinct is to secure her phone from her, either by grabbing it or asking for it. Either way, I want to have it BEFORE the reveal. My fear is she may run, or who knows what? I want her phone to be in my pocket when we start talking. Is that a good idea? If not, why?

I will sit her down and explain to her I want to make our marriage work and I am willing to do ANYTHING to make that happen! I want her to see the sincerity in my eyes, in my calm voice, and all the while holding her hands or at least staying very close and maintaining eye contact.

Then I’ll have it all laid out. All the evidence I can muster. Her journal letter to herself revealing her feelings for the OM will be first. Follow that with a printed transcript of the texts between them. At that point, I hope she can be honest with me. She will be exposed of her actions and will be defensive and angry of my intrusions into her privacy. I need to let her speak. It will be very hard not to interrupt but I need to hear her out.

From that point forward I don’t know how to plan because there are so many different directions the conversation can go. My main thrust is the current EA with the OM that I hope beyond hope is not a PA. I hope her FOG lifts and she realizes that she was wrong in taking it that far. Not sure what to do if the fog turns to rain and she storms out.

I have so much more to talk about with her beyond that. Other suspicious men I found out about and have evidence to show her. I want answers. I want to know why she joined Match.com last November and listed herself as a divorced female.

I have this plan copied to a Word document so I can practice it before she comes home. I want to stick to the script and that will be the hardest part. Stay cool.

I need to have the “no contact” agreements in place against the Other Men and the Toxic Girlfriend. Toxic girlfriend will be hard to pry away from her, but as far as I am concerned she MUST GO!

Please feel free to add suggestions to the above. 
Thanks!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

d day is discovery day Do not reveal HOW you got the information and if possible don't use the texts so she doesn't shut that channel down on you. Since you have the phone, I would inst a $100 in some phone spy software before she gets home. I would also add a stealth keylogger to all computers in your home. Check the online phone and text number records and save them. You could use these instead of the actual texts to confront her. Just be careful not to divulge how you gather info. She could easily take it further underground with a prepaid phone from any big box store.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its been a few days so I hope you are putting a plan together. Just like cheatinghuppy, I pulled out all the evidence left it for her to find and walked away for a few. We had a few short words, I started packing her things, but stopped, I did however leave the house for the day, and man did she blow up my cell phone. That evening I went home and talked some more. Did the NC letter that night and have been working on it ever since.

We made it through it. I stayed stronge, no crying or begging, I never pleaded, it was all a matter of factly. I had a calming condidence in me that shuck her to the core. I'm mean I acted like it didn't matter, him or me period, thats all that needed to be answered.

She did do the blame game, but when I started packing her stuff her tune changed. I think if I got the "I need time" thing or the "I'm confused" I would of kept packing. In stead I got the pleading, begging and cring from her so I stopped, and left.

The important thing is to get that eveidence and show her. Then you can ask her what her plans are. This is when her response will be any bodies quess. so I suggest write down your confrontation. Some kind of outline that will guild you. Your emotions will be off the hook so write down what you want to say to her and the responses she may have and have a plan on how you will respond.

So for now start a journal, write up a game plan and wait. Don't forget when you do text again throw in how her time away has given you a better respect for your marraige and talk about sex and what you want to do to her.

There is no reason you can't play the same game by sexting her and get kinky with those word when you text. As hard as it is you can do it just like the OM is. Give her something to think about when you discript the lovemaking, try to get as sexy and romantic as you can. I know it will cost money, but you are competing now so don't hold back, send her a picture of the kids also.

While she is away and you feel as your hands are tied, this is when you can text her and keep her quessing, with all the hot and wonderful things you have to offer. If you have ever been a competitor, now is the time to step up your game, She is to far from home right now to do any thing else. So pretend you just started dating and get that mind set when texting, she may feel it in your word.

The last thing you want is her coming home and thinking that she should have never came home. You want her thinking that she screwed up and has made a mistake.

Get it.

Once she gets home welcome her and then let her.....show her that there is a problem that needs serious attention.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

HowardDuck,

Make sure you've made copies of everything and keep them in a safe place.

You should go to affiarcare.com for ideas as well as to how to respond. There should be "script" which all cheaters use.

IMO stealth as this point is good as you are planning. You have an edge -- the knowledge of what she is doing. So prepare, and prepare some more.

Be prepared to be able to calmly state things to her and be ready for the blame-game that she will use. Denial will of course come her. I'm sure also the "you're so controlling looking through my stuff" or the "you are invading my privacy" crap. Be prepared to respond to these allegations in a calm, cool and collected manner. I would suggest, like others, that you see an attorney. Get a couple of business cards from the attorney so you can include in the evidence dump, so she knows you are serious.

I would also consider the ramifications of your financial assets. Once the cat is out of the bag so to speak, can you protect the assets from any insanity that might ensue. Joint bank accounts, joint credit cards, joint business accounts, etc.

Best of luck to you.


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## HowardDuck (Feb 7, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> d day is discovery day Do not reveal HOW you got the information and if possible don't use the texts so she doesn't shut that channel down on you. Since you have the phone, I would inst a $100 in some phone spy software before she gets home. I would also add a stealth keylogger to all computers in your home. Check the online phone and text number records and save them. You could use these instead of the actual texts to confront her. Just be careful not to divulge how you gather info. She could easily take it further underground with a prepaid phone from any big box store.


Thank you 8Years. D-Day is discovery day. That would be last Wednesday for me.

I do not have her phone, it is with her in Cancun right now. No need to install spy software, I already have what I need, a full text log with names and numbers conveniently arranged in threaded format so I can see the whole conversation from the first text to the last (unfortunately there are more in the phone now, and I won't be able to procure them unless I nab the phone after she gets home). By then it will not matter. The cat will be out of the bag.

I have been diligently assessing our financial picture, and will be speaking with an attorney tomorrow to learn my rights as the loyal spouse. If we can't reconcile I will fight for everything and she may change her tune if she thought she could boot me out and keep everything. 

As the days go by, I am calming down and thinking straighter.

Thank you everyone for all your advice.

Which advice I will follow is the big ??


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## HowardDuck (Feb 7, 2011)

Feelingalone said:


> HowardDuck,
> 
> Make sure you've made copies of everything and keep them in a safe place.
> 
> ...


Excellent advice.

I have soft copies of all the evidence as well as printed copies. No worries there.

I won't breach he "attorney" word or the "Divorce" words during my reveal as they are far too threatening and I need to be the calm one here. She may throw those words out there, but I will deflect them, with an overwhelming desire to make the marriage work. I want her to understand I want to help her help us. Not help her hurt us. That's already done.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

HD,
Sorry, I started repling at 5:30 and by the time I could click on the "Post Quick Reply" you posted your plan.With work and inturuption it took me till 5:57. Sorry Again 

I do want to add that " I'll do any thing" is a bad whay to start, try "I love you and will not tolorate sharing you"


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

H, 
Don't follow one spacific advise, but take all the different perspectives and formulate your own confrontation. 

I truely hope that she sees the error of her way when she reads what you found. 

I would also add in ... with regard to the issue of privacy, "you didn't invade her privacy, you invaded her secrecy"

8- has a good point, but if she does take it under ground you can figure on her not wanting to work it out, even if she says she does. My take is let her know how you found the proof, and let her know the consequencse is her secrecy is no longer exceptable.

She will either be there for you or not, you cant control her, and besides the evidence will dictate she finds new avenues to take if she desides to. The point is.. she should want to account for her were about and is with you 100% of her free time .

My W was truely remorseful and when she was at work she called all the time. See, you should be able to tell a difference when you become a #1 priority, along with the family. For me I saw a reconnection were there was no more texting, no more computer, and no more friends. It was just me and my wife, everything went away. 

I wish I could explain it better but she stuck to me like glue...I'm not sure if she thought I was taking the gun for the OM or me, or if I would try to get even by screwing some chick, maybe she was afraid I was planning to move out in the middle of the night, IDK but she is always around. 
I believe if she was any other way I would have bailed, its been 11 month, 3weeks, 4days, and 12 hours since I confronted my DS. I still get the calls at work and she still hasn't had a "girls night out" she is like flies on sh*t when it come to spending time with me.

My point is I hope your wife does not go the other way and she automaticly jumps on board.

Bottom line we all hope that she says" I will do what ever it take to make this marraige work" .

After that, you will be the newest member of the cheater police.

If it doesnt go down this way and you get the "I need time/space" then you will become the newest member of the man up club.

keep posting there is ton of perspective on TAM and don't forget check out Affaircare, and Marriagebuilders


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

HD,

Glad you have copies, etc. Just so you know what I meant by leaving the business card of the attorney you are meeting wtih tomorrow is that it shows your wife that you are prepared to divorce her if she doesn't change her ways. I know it isn't logical but it really is fighting for your marriage -- it is telling her with actions that you will not put up with "sharing her"

And guy is correct -- you aren't invading privacy -- that is walking in on her while she is in the "bathroom" -- you are breaking through her secrecy. That is why I suggested affaircare.com to research the script she will use so you are prepared. You will also see surveys there about love busters, etc. Because no doubt you have some work to do on yourself.

You are doing well -- a heck of a lot better than I did. But you live and you learn in this life.

And always remember -- when talking with your wife, her family, her friends start with "I'm telling you this because I want to save my marriage" but no I will do anything you want to her (shows too much weakness).

Again, good luck to you.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

When you expose this mess she has made - leave no stone unturned. Go NUCLEAR - expose to any and everyone your side, her side, OM side (if the slimeball even has a side).

I agree with others - Affaircare and Marriage Builders has scripts - on what she will more than likely do when you do expose. 

Keep your head and if you start getting heated - go for a drive to cool off. 

She will be mad - mad as hell that you are killing off her fantasy. She will be like a crack addict - she wants both of you - she wants her cake and to eat it too. 

Don't stand for it. 

Good Bless and Good Luck bro!


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Do not lead that you want to make your marriage work. That is removing consequence before you even have an admission. You need to confront first and see what her response is. Is there any contrition. You want to make sure the she actually is worried about losing you and her family. Hold back on reconciling before boundaries and checks are set up.


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

sorry to hear your story howardduck.

you are doing a great job.

my wife went away with a friend for a week and I checked the phone records while she was gone. Saw she was contacting her OM again. I rang and we argued. In a row she said that she wanted out and wanted to leave me and sell the house. That was such a hard hard week. I really do advise you stick to your plan despite the fact that she will be contacting him. It is impossible to do this when she is away in another country

It is going to be really hard to resist but it will be better the way you have planned.


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## HowardDuck (Feb 7, 2011)

Good thing I have a keyboard 'cause I sure can't talk right now.... sobbing... I need to pull myself together before the kids get up...

I truly appreciate all this advice. The last six posts were so, so helpful and supportive.

Thank you.


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

find strength in your children. They will be important to you through this.

remember two things:

1) I know EXACTLY how you feel right now and I know you will feel like it will never get better if your wife doesn't come back to you and resolve this situation. It is normal to feel like that. Lots of people will tell you "it will get better", they told me the same. It didn't help. BUT... please take it from me, I have been where you are... my wife actually left and lived with OM for a month. BELIEVE ME... you can get through this and it WILL get better. Just hang in there. Keep yourself amongst good friends and family and ride the wave.

2) She is not with OM now and if they are in contact they will not be saying anything they haven't said already and it will all be fantasy affair-land shallow crap that doesn't mean anything. If you play your hand correctly and keep yourself strong and healthy it won't matter

all the best


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

when at your stage I was the same as you. emotional etc.. I actually had a panic attack while taking my son to nursery.

I look back now and think - what the hell was I acting like that for... I should have been stronger etc. The shock is natural but try and stay focussed and strong and be patient


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Get the water work over with now, the last thing you want to show her is how weak you actually feel.
When she getts home on Sunday, you need to show her confidence and strength. She has to really beleive that you will not tolorate her behavior, that it is totaly unexceptable. If she believes and see how strong you are she will then seriously consider the consequences.

Remember you still don't know for sure what direction she will take when confronted, but for the sake of showing her you won't take any sh*t, she has to see a confident man in front of her. Walk in to this confrontation thinking the worst and hope for the best. Be prepared for her to tell you to pound sand.

If show her how confident you are, I'm hopping it scares her staight and acknoledges she made a mistake and beggs you to stay. So please to not beg her to stay, it won't work, 

When Sunday comes around and you welcome her home with open arms.. you will need to muster up all the strenght you can to show her that you are not f*cking around.

Have you texted each other recently, if so, did you sex it up a bit?


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## HowardDuck (Feb 7, 2011)

I've been texting her, but keeping it civil. Sexting now would be a huge tipoff to her. We never do that (but maybe we will after all this eh??)

I have a plan. I will try to stick to my plan. AffairCare is an excellent resource and I've read the scripts, and the advice is sound and professional.

Crying is not weakness. It is very therapeutic actually. And yes, getting it out now should make it easier to hold it back later....

Thanks again for all the advice. Don't want to over-think all this either.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

One thing you need to know if she will not get out of the affair fog anytime soon. I’ve been through this and seen it with other people and she is NOT going to just stop the affair and work on the marriage, even if she says she will. The affair is a fantasy life that she won’t be able to shake until it resolves itself which can take months.

It’s too late to be the perfect husband now. People like to try to show how much better they are than the affair partner but that doesn’t work. They don’t think rationally so being a better option doesn’t matter. Save Plan A for when you reconcile, not before.

The best way to break the affair is exposure and “tough love”. Don’t try to fix the marriage; she broke it so she has to fix it. If I was in this position, I would take a hard line and separate and go through the motions in filing for a divorce and see how she reacts in the following weeks. It will take a good couple of months before she starts to see what she is doing and longer than that to get over the affair. She has done you wrong and she needs to feel the consequences of it, don’t reward her. You don’t buy a kid a toy for shoplifting, don’t be a perfect spouse for someone that cheated.

This is going to be a long process no matter what you do and how things turn out. Don’t expect any changes overnight and in the short term don’t believe a word she says. Being in affair is like being a drug addict and you have to approach them the same way.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I wasn't trying to be mean by impling that crying is weakness, my point is crying is not attractve. The more attractive you are when you pick her up and then confront her the better. Thats all.

Juan has some great points, I'm in the tough love group my self, the thing about separation is... in my opinion that it make the affair more convienent, I think you want to create an enviorment the makes the affair as dificult as possible. Thats My $0.02

Theres the balancing act right there *stay and reward her* or * kick her out and make the A convienent*

I quess if she wont try at all to work on the marraige then kick her out, but I she makes a 1/2 [email protected]@ attemept then keep an eye on her and let her stay. I quess it really depends on her and he discision.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

If I remember correctly, you were sure he wasn't in Cancun 2 days ago. It's a quick flight, today's his birthday, and she promissed him a present...

Check again.


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## HowardDuck (Feb 7, 2011)

Nice try, MrK but that's not likely. I know better.

The more I scour over my evidence, the more I see a pattern of restlessness manifesting in regression. She misses the nights out on the town. She found a TF who can accommodate. They met this dude at a bar and he was actually interested in the other chick that was with my wife and the TF. My wife tried to hook them up (evidenced in FB chats that started innocent). Then she either took a liking to him, or he approached her. I cannot find that connection. Doesn't matter, the problem exists, and I intend to deal with it the best way I know how.

I have read all of the posts here, and the replies run the gamut from tough love, to soft love and everything in between.

In the end, I will manage regardless of the outcome.

As one of my closest friends told me: "They can't take away your birthday!"


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hd
I read a sign of confidence, thats great, you will pull through and I hope your wife comes along.

I can relate to the night life thing. After I confronted my wife it was in my competive nature to take her out. I dropped alot of dough but the awsome thing was going out and bar hopping with my best friend (my wife). It was hard work..worked all day and then going out and then waking up the next AM. We did this alot at 1st. we've settled down a bit. I just went out and treated her like a women instead of a wife...did all kinds of corny stuff..it worked.

Granted as this seems like a reward, the point is I felt I was competing, just like the sex thing earlier. 

It all had to do with the confrontation...I mean she was remorseful and through my continous investigation she was truely commited so I threw her a bone and worked with it. 

I could of been like "how could you" or "your dirty now" I could have created some tall walls that would have prevented us from reconnecting, but in my case I choose to do things that work best in my case. 

Bottom line it all depends on her wanting you or him. Some how I felt lucky, she made the right choice by staying with her family.

Unfortunitly some are so deep in the fog they choose wrong, and then it gets really f*cked for both spouses. I hope for the best, I see plenty of folk still stuggle with fighting for the marraige after the confrontation. I also have read of few post were things turned around for the better...the fight is over and healing started right of way (for both of you).


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## HowardDuck (Feb 7, 2011)

Here's a twist... How many of you here are sitting next to your wife or husband reading these posts together? 

I think inevitably I will be showing her this thread, or at least in the interest of fairness and openness. 

After all, this is what I am asking of her.... Thoughts?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Shes working but will be checking out my replies when she gets home.

She actually tried registering "the guys wife" but never followed through, I still see the email from TAM when I snoop;-)

She has replied under my name... she done this twice.
If I remember correctly shes replied to 8yearscheating and... I cant remember the name but the thread was something in the lines of......" what the DS was thinking about the LS when with the OM"

Other then that she excepts the fact that this is a healthy avenue in dealing/ healing with the crap that she has done.

She not much into forums but either was I until.........

The only thing she disagrees with is my man up approach and the tough love stance I take. Im not sure way?


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

its hard to give u really good advice as we dont know yer W well at all.

moreover, some folk here are bent one way or another as u've noticed yerself. i see things both ways, quite often.

based on what u wrote earlier, i'll ask you to repeat in the greatest detail u can possibly muster, exactly WHAT, HOW, WHEN, she said her bit 'bout u moving out. for i think this key or
pivotal of what u may expect of yer cavalier intentions/plans u 
have for dealing with your present situation.

if u can recall all this in great detail, i (and we) can better get
a feel/read on yer W of 11yrs. maybe yer instincts are right, 
maybe they're wrong, dunno. for we've seen many a similar
situation go both ways, all dependent on the W, her temperment, her spirituality/philosophy, as well as how thick
the "fog."

look fwd to yer response.........shalom yedeed......


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## HowardDuck (Feb 7, 2011)

I believe the request for me to move out was a very difficult and uncomfortable thing for her to do. She seemed like she was prodded into doing it without much thought of my reaction, or her choice of places for me to "go to". The buddy she recommended is not a close personal friend of mine, and the only reason she thought of him is because he owns a house and lives there alone. She also knows I can't stand the guy for more than a couple hour doses at a time. He has a Harley and so do we (wife and I both ride). Not someone I would have thought of on my own if asked where I would go.

I believe 100% that the TGF is behind the whole thing. She is my wife's new best friend. She is a woman scorned (the divorced, betrayed TGF) whose only advice when things get tough in a marriage is to "take action". Only thing is her advice is to run instead of fix the problem (me).

I would also say that the vast majority of our other friends would be utterly shocked to hear what is going on. My family has always been seen as a close knit family. That is why I find myself to blame for allowing myself to think everything was OK because I was working so hard to make ends meet, keep the business afloat, etc that I lost track of my wife's emotional well being. For that I take full blame.

Off to bed.... not much sleep lately (ya think?)


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## HowardDuck (Feb 7, 2011)

Is it wrong for me to feel as if I may not have had much opportunity to re-engage with my wife if she was spending so much time away whenever should could? I know it is probably my defense mechanisms kicking in, but I really wish she could have been more assertive in planning nights out together, movies, dinner, etc... 

I have been so consumed by my running of the family business that I had little time to plan anything other than the way home each night and how to be a good dad for my girls. Weeknights I see my kids at home for about an hour and a half before it's off to bed for them. Rarely make it home in time to sit down for dinner with them all, so I end up sitting alone at the table while they move on with their night. The wife fires up Facebook and plays Farkle while I'm eating, helps get the kids to bed, etc. Then I fire up my PC to check on the days events and before I know it, it's after 10PM and time to crash....

Obviously I need to change my routine (if we move forward of course) to get home earlier and a myriad of other lifestyle changes geared toward satisfying my wife's (and ultimately my own) emotional needs. I look back and it's almost robotic the way I spend my days (Anyone seen Shrek Forever After?)

Thanks again for all the great replies. All of your support is helping tremendously!


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

HowardDuck said:


> Is it wrong for me to feel as if I may not have had much opportunity to re-engage with my wife if she was spending so much time away whenever should could? I know it is probably my defense mechanisms kicking in, but I really wish she could have been more assertive in planning nights out together, movies, dinner, etc...
> 
> I have been so consumed by my running of the family business that I had little time to plan anything other than the way home each night and how to be a good dad for my girls. Weeknights I see my kids at home for about an hour and a half before it's off to bed for them. Rarely make it home in time to sit down for dinner with them all, so I end up sitting alone at the table while they move on with their night. The wife fires up Facebook and plays Farkle while I'm eating, helps get the kids to bed, etc. Then I fire up my PC to check on the days events and before I know it, it's after 10PM and time to crash....
> 
> ...


Howard, I feal for you my friend! I can`t believe I did not run into this thread. She will regret it just like my wife will!

Good luck Howard!


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## HowardDuck (Feb 7, 2011)

peace said:


> Howard, I feal for you my friend! I can`t believe I did not run into this thread. She will regret it just like my wife will!
> 
> Good luck Howard!


Thanks, peace. 

Oh I am certain she is already regretting it, but at the same time repressing those feelings as to give herself a path to happiness (all the while being encouraged by her FTF. Yes I put an "F" in front of TF on purpose  )

I am planning on a very special welcome home for her. I was going to outline it here but chose not to. I shared my "Plan A" a few posts back but that's a rough draft. I have since thought of a better plan... Hopefully. 

If things work out for me (or not I guess) I feel an overwhelming urge to help my other friends in distressed marriages. I had no idea how blind we can be until it's too late.

And Kudos to this site! And AffairCare. And MarriageBuilders. Good to know they're there when you need them!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

HD,
I wish you strength, she will be home tomorrow, and I know you have a plan and I hope she sees the error of her ways and recommits to you. 
If it heads south on you tomorrow always remember that you have the ammunition to fight this and the tools to get through this broken marraige. Exposing the affair sucks but it would be your next step if she doen't come around.
What ever the turn out is you will make it through we all do.

Has there been much contact with her via text? Is she still in the dark about what you have found out?

Is your "special welcome home" going to be the indrotuction to your new girl friend ;-) or a stack of devorce papers'-( just kidding. 

I hope she just breaks down and is truely remorseful. Then the both of you can repair this marriage. Then you will become a member of the cheater police, always watching to see if she truely is commited.


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## HowardDuck (Feb 7, 2011)

Well, in my ever-optimistic view of the world, I can only hope that things happened while she was gone to benefit our relationship rather than damage it further.

I am hoping her divorced Toxic Friend whom she has spent the last week with in Cancun showed her true colors. My wife is a very intelligent woman and with that much time with the same person, hopefully she saw something in the TF she hasn't seen before. 

Another hope is that the OM has not responded to her texts from afar, or better yet, texted her back saying he's no longer interested... I've been watching his FB profile all week. His birthday was on the 9th and he had 31 females wish him a happy birthday! No doubt he is still actively playing the field. And if you believe in the fake burglar alarm stickers for your home, maybe he'll move on to "easier prey" instead of my wife. No doubt he knows she's married, and he is a divorced father with an 8 year old daughter. Does he remember how much his own divorce hurt? What were the circumstances behind that?

My glimmer of hope came today when she sent me a text saying she couldn't wait to see everyone tomorrow and that she's been so homesick. Just what I wanted to hear! Made me feel better.

On the other hand, the Devil's Advocate in me thinks she may be homesick for the OM too.... Guess I'll be finding out soon.

Thanks again for all your support. In case I don't get back in here right away, I promise to come back and let you all know how I'm doing. Tomorrow's gonna be a busy day.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

HowardDuck said:


> Well, in my ever-optimistic view of the world, I can only hope that things happened while she was gone to benefit our relationship rather than damage it further.
> 
> I am hoping her divorced Toxic Friend whom she has spent the last week with in Cancun showed her true colors. My wife is a very intelligent woman and with that much time with the same person, hopefully she saw something in the TF she hasn't seen before.
> 
> ...


Just a side note, If you have ATT, and are on the same account as your wife, you can log onto att.com and see all recent activity. I am sure sprint, and the others do this as well. Just look for any numbers that do not match ones you know. That is how I make sure my wife is not talking to the OM.


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

How are you doing Howard, I hope the confrontation went well. Let us know, if you need some more help.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

Wolf said what I wanted to. Let us know (or not if you can't I understand) how things are going. There is always a place for you let things out and get advice/help. =)


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## HowardDuck (Feb 7, 2011)

I confronted her in a calm, collected way. I was surprisingly calm. I bought her a dozen roses, a Valentines Day card and had it all on our kitchen table for her to see when we got home from the airport. I didn't say anything about what was at home in the truck on the way home. Just idle chatter about her trip, etc. I made sure the kids were gone so we had a good hour to talk. 

At first she denied that it was an "affair" since he was "just a friend". The more I revealed about what I knew, the more she came to terms with the fact she was indeed having an emotional affair. She swears it was never physical (which I believe given the short time frame). She did show me some texts from him while she was in Cancun saying he wasn't ready to "take it to the next level" and used that to show the EA was over. She wouldn't let me see ALL of the texts however. Invoked right to privacy. To my dismay, she refused my request (not demand) that she end all contact with him immediately. Remove him from her phone, unfriend him on FB, etc. She said I have no right "choosing her friends". I agreed in principal but explained that this OM was a critical threat to our marriage. I asked her to do the same with the TF. She proceeded to say she wasn't sure if she wanted to stay in the marriage or not. I explained what I had learned in the 9 days she was gone, and that "I get it". What she's been trying to do through letters finally reached me by means of an EA. I get it. I really do. I am a changed man.

We had a date for Valentines Day set up before she went out of town. We kept the date and went out last night to a nice restaurant. I told myself not to talk about anything bad. It was going great for the majority of the night. She talked a lot about her trip, and I was sincerely engaged in hearing it. She had fun and that was good. She said she was true to me, and I believe her. My wife is not the kind of gal who would sleep around on me. Don't try to tell me otherwise! I won't listen to it. 

Anyways, towards the end of the night, talk turned to the Toxic Friend and how I really need to get to know her. Then the bomb dropped when she said I should meet the OM too! "He's a good guy!" I said there is no way on Earth I would ever want to meet this guy. Why would she think that would be OK? Well, then it escalates into a surpressed emotions tongue biting conversation all the way home. With me trying to explain again to her how much it matters to me that she end all contact with him. When we got home she called the TF and I asked to speak with her. I talked to the TF for about a half hour, close enough for my wife to hear the whole conversation. I stated emphatically that I wanted my marriage to work, and if she was as good of a friend as my wife says she is, then she would HELP us stay together instead of making it seem she is doing the opposite. I think that helped. I think I can actually see good in the TF. She needs help too. 

I am having a very hard time with time. I want this to be done and over with and resume my happily ever after with my wife.

My wife has said a few encouraging things like "Don't expect me to change overnight, and I won't expect you to". That made me feel better. We have also maintained saying "I love You" and still hug and kiss each other good morning and good night. 

How long should I wait for her to prove to me she eliminated the OM?

I am so confused.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

HD,
You are not going to wait, you are not going to share your wife,
you are going to take your W offer up and meet the OM.

Just like you handled the TGF, you can deal with the OM...state your case and make your stand that you will protect your family and value the marraige. 

In my opinion this is confronting the OM at its finest.

I think you are doing great, keep the pleasentries with your wife and enbrace this meeting. If you remember I thought you should have sexted your W when she was in Cancun, this time I think you should be overly affectionet with your W during this meeting.

If you have any evidence of there inapropreite behavior, this would be the time to show it and ask for an explaination.

After this meeting you can then reittorate the effect thier relationship will have on the marriage.

As messed up as this may seem, with regard to the NC letter, in my opinion she is lessening the affair by taking the stance as "just friends"... then you can turn this around by excepting the inventation to met and with some certaincy the OM will declin, there by validating your stance that the relationship is toxic.

Stay on top of this and you will prevail. Right always wins over evil. Just stay strong and do not let emotion get the best of you.

Even though I am in the group that takes the tough love approach, I think she is on the fence and this approach will back fire.

Know your enemies, and except this invitation as a olive leaf with your wife. through your own actions of self control and love you can make your self out to be the loving husband.

So many time the wayward spouse make the loyal spouse seem like the devil and justify the affair by making the OP believe its ok to be involved with a married spous b/c the marraige is doomed. Here you have been invited to prove that this is not the case.

After this meeting you can make the perseption that "yes I have met him and I feel he is not out for the best interest of the marriage".

I believe this meeting will never take place and that in its self will speak for its self with regards to the toxicity of thier relationship. This will validate your stance that this "friendship" is no good.

But by chance you do have this meeting, this would be the time to hold your wife close and show OM that you still kiss your wife and that the marriage is not doomed.

Many will disagree with me and take the stance that NC should be NC and that you are playing with fire. That is also an acurrate perspective, so take what you will from mine. there is nothing wrong with standing up and saying "hell no you are my wife and I will not share" and "its him or me".

She is just so on the fence, I hate to see her fall on the wrong side of it by taking such a controlling aproach.


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## HowardDuck (Feb 7, 2011)

Thanks, Guy. That is a bold suggestion that I'm not sure I could go through with if it got that far (actually getting to some meeting place, knowing he's there, then actually meeting him). I am afraid for what I may do (to him). I am crazy jealous and I can only suppress my anger towards him for so long.... and any explosion in front of him would not be good (for me).

My wife has now locked down her cell phone so I cannot see any more texts. I am working on a way to get into it. I believe there is telling information in the form of texts between them, and I want to air them out (again). I want to know what she has been saying to him since my confrontation.

I will ask my wife today where she is at with him, and if I can see the texts. If she denies me seeing the texts, I can only assume she is hanging on to him (right?)

I joined the forums over at MB and I'm getting the advice to blow this guy up and expose the affair NOW. I have all of his friends and family's names that I can send messages to through Facebook, as well as all my wife's and my friends. They say over there I must expose this to the world and expose it NOW.

I am confused and for some reason trying to "save face" for herself and me. I am ashamed of what I have allowed to happen. I am taking ownership of her unhappiness and I don't want to push her over the fence with a wrong move. 

Time is going SO slowly now..... I want results and results take time.... I feel I may be placing too much focus on the OM and seeing the texts would help me verify or debunk my fears.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

Yeah, you need to get transparency from her as well. I am lucky in that on the day I moved back home and my wife gave me full transparency over everything (then again this is the second time). But back to you Howard, you will never be able to move forward with out some sort of honest knowledge of what she is doing and saying. If she does want you and her to work out, she needs to understand there is work to be done on trust, and you having full access to all things like her phone is one of them.


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

HowardDuck said:


> My wife has now locked down her cell phone so I cannot see any more texts. I am working on a way to get into it. I believe there is telling information in the form of texts between them, and I want to air them out (again). I want to know what she has been saying to him since my confrontation.
> 
> I will ask my wife today where she is at with him, and if I can see the texts. If she denies me seeing the texts, I can only assume she is hanging on to him (right?)


Hi HowardDuck, your absolutely right she is hanging onto him and she will do as much as she can. I have been through your exact situation and I am still in it to some extent. I look back to when I was at your stage, that is W has agreed to work on stuff but is still carrying on affair through continued contact with OM. (I'm afraid that is probably the truth). Basically this is how I see it.

your W is confused and scared, she is scared of losing you and she is also scared of losing OM. She doesn't want her options narrowed as she is still deciding - she is still in limbo. That means at the stage you are at she is simply seeing you as controlling, you are the oppressor and what stands between her and her freedom and her soul mate. She probably still holds a lot of resentment for you and this controlling behaviour is probably adding to it. Not logical or fair I know. My wife promised to my face and swore on my sons life she wouldn't contact OM on more than one occasion and said she couldn't live with me watching her and controlling her so she locked her phone again. Guess what was happening?

OM is now becoming her escape from this controlling, suffocating marriage. I think your wife can go 1 of 2 ways depending on her state of mind. She can conform to what you expect of a wife and everything may start to heal or she will simply continue to go deeper underground and put OM on a pedestal and continue to try and manipulate you enough so that she can have her cake and eat it.

Sorry but my guess is the second one. I'm having a cynical day where I believe that it is extremely hard to end affairs unless DS accepts the affair is actually an affair and genuinely is remorseful and wants to return to the marriage. I don't think your wife is in that place yet and maybe you will have to act on your boundaries while exposing to try and show her what she is doing is infact wrong.



HowardDuck said:


> I joined the forums over at MB and I'm getting the advice to blow this guy up and expose the affair NOW. I have all of his friends and family's names that I can send messages to through Facebook, as well as all my wife's and my friends. They say over there I must expose this to the world and expose it NOW.
> 
> I am confused and for some reason trying to "save face" for herself and me. I am ashamed of what I have allowed to happen. I am taking ownership of her unhappiness and I don't want to push her over the fence with a wrong move.


I still see exposure as a slight grey area. Some people will tell you it is necessary both to end the affair and to teach W lessons that she needs to learn in order to prevent this happening again. This is probably true. However exposure does make it harder for both LS and DS when reconcilliation occurs. I guess I would say expose to those who you feel can make a difference, those who can help you get your marriage back. Don't expose to people just for the sake of it.


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

HowardDuck,

just re-read your thread and remembered you believe you have caught the affair early on. If that is the case it will be a lot easier to break down but I would try and find out for 100% sure when it started as this will indicate what steps may be needed to break it.

good luck


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## HowardDuck (Feb 7, 2011)

Should I "friend" this guy on Facebook?

My wife said I should meet him. Should I? 

I am having such a hard time deciding what to do, and what NOT to do....

She met this guy January 12th. It's now February 16th. Little over a month....

Do I list my status on Facebook as something like: "Going through hard times in my marriage, trying to make myself a better man for my wife and need everyone to understand how hard it is for us right now. Please send us your love and support" Or something like that?

Too passive? Probably.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

HD,

Her locking down her phone is a HUGE RED FLAG. That isn't privacy, that is secrecy. Period.

Privacy is her going to the bathroom. Hiding the truth from you is secrecy. And to disagree with I feel broken, asking her to not contact this OM is not controlling if it is done the appropriate way.

The appropriate way is setting up a boundary, and enforcing it, letting her know in a calm manner what the boundary is and what the consequences are for actions. That makes it her choice. That is not controlling, that is being adult.

But doing this requires courage, resolve and faith in yourself and your marriage. We'll call that confidence -- which is what you need right now. Here is how it goes. To wife: Honey, I know about your excessive texts, phone calls to OM and I'm not comfortable with that. (Never say how you know, what you did to find out and don't apologize) I'm concerned about the affects of this contact on our marriage and in the interest of preserving our marriage I ask you not to contact OM anymore. (That would be your boundary). Now the hard part -- the consequences. What are you willing to do about this. If it were me, after going through this same thing my consequence would be: To wife: If you do not want to preserve our marriage, then I don't want to, but that is your decision. 

Right now she is in the FOG. The fog of the affair. And that is what this is whether EA or PA it doesn't really matter at this point. She is using the script, remember me telling you to read that. "We are just friends" is part of the script. Total crap. I'm sorry to be so blunt but I'm calling a spade a spade here.

I know you don't want to "upset" her, cause you "might" lose her. I feel that in your words. Believe me I followed that path and now I'm divorced. Don't let your pride and shame and blaming yourself, get in your way of standing up for yourself and your marriage. That is a path to a slow death IMO.

I know it seems harsh, I know "my wife" would never do those things. Well I thought the same as you, now I know better that once in the fog everything goes out the window.

I'm sorry to be blunt. I imagine that is what marriage builders people are telling you, as you implied. I agree with them. You just got to remember that everything they are telling you and I am is about preserving your marriage. You might even have to file for divorce to do this.

Just like you needed a wake up call to realize your mistakes, your w does too.

I'm not overlooking the fact that you need to do work on yourself, but right now you need to stand up.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

HowardDuck said:


> Should I "friend" this guy on Facebook?
> *HELL NO*
> 
> My wife said I should meet him. Should I?
> ...


Your 1st and biggest mistake was giving in to her about NC with the OM. It always starts out as "Oh, we're just friends....."


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You need to expose. Why? The affair thrives in darkness. You need to shine a light on it. She tells you that she needs time to think if she wants to stay married. She says that to you so she can continue with the OM. You may not listen to it. But the longer you allow her to sit on the fence the more likely this will turn physical. But I guess you don't accept that. Sometimes you have to touch the iron to see if its hot.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Howard~

The first thing I'm going to say to you is that you are going to get a vast array of advice, both here and on MB. Some will be more gentle, passive kinds of actions and others will seem like more harsh, tough-love kinds of actions. But I want you to consider one thing. In the end YOU are the one who knows you and who has to live with the consequences of the choices you make right now...not any of us. So I recommend two things: 
1) Make choices that are courageous and "above and beyond" what you thought you could do. Be the hero you can be for your marriage. 
2) Make decisions that YOU believe in and can live with. You may not be at the stage to "kick her to the curb" yet--although some who advise you may be there! So actually put aside some personal time, where you will be basically undisturbed, and even though it is scary, allow your mind to THINK THROUGH where you are, what your goal is, and how you will get from here to there. Emotions are very strong right now, and yet reacting from emotion is probably going to be exactly counter-intuitive to what really needs to be done to save this! 

Soooo your number one question is going to be: Do I want to save this marriage? At first your answer might seem like "Well yeah obviously I do!" but I want you to really think about this for a minute. Your wife is committing emotional adultery and is well on the way to committing it physically. If you *do* choose to save this marriage, it is very likely you will be enduring pain like you never imagined for about a year...maybe more. Do you have the fortitude and character to do that? Really? If not, the one moral and ethical reason given for divorce is sexual immorality and nothing personal but at this point you would be well within your rights to say, "I'm sorry but I do not have it in me to fight this. I am going to end this marriage and be done with a clear conscience because I can not tolerate an unfaithful partner." Just to say again...there would be NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. You'd just be honest and say you don't wish to try, and that is your right. Okay? Got that?

On the other hand, if you *do* choose to save the marriage and you *do* make the purposeful decision to do what it takes to save this marriage, then I want you to know right now that you will be called up to bear more than you thought you could. It is going to be HARD and hurt immensely! But the hope is that by enduring this, both you and she will grow and mature, and in the end you will rebuild a wholly new, healthy, intimate marriage. If that is your decision after giving it thought, then I would recommend looking at this article: Seven Steps To Ending An Affair? This article is in step with Harley's methods so you wouldn't be "at odds" with those folks...and yet there are a few things I consider enhancements. 

For example, I believe you've done Step #1--Gather Evidence because you have sufficient concrete proof to believe it's not "all in your mind", you're not making a mountain out of a molehill, and they are much, much more than "just friends." You have enough proof to trust YOURSELF and your gut feeling. I also believe you've done Step #2--Confront, although after reading the article you may want to do it again. The purpose of this step is to give your disloyal spouse (DS) the maximum opportunity to save her own dignity and do the right thing on her own. I believe I agree with FA when he says establish your boundary...and just as a refresher a boundary is not YOU telling HER what she can and can not do, but rather YOU stating what you will and will not allow in your life. Thus a really good boundary statement might be: 

"Honey, I know that your relationship with X is much more than friendship, and I honestly do understand how this happened and do not blame you. However, I will not have a partner in my life who knows she is being unfaithful and refuses to do the right thing and stop. I am very sorry for my part in how this happened, and I will work on my side, but I need you to know that I also will not tolerate infidelity in our marriage. I'm respectfully requesting that you do the right thing NOW...tonight... and we can work on ending the affair together. We need to do three things to get back on the right track: a) send a no contact letter and delete him or block him from all contact, b) begin to be transparent with each other by sharing user IDs, passwords and access to things like our cell phones and emails, and c) commit to each other that we will do the work we have to do in order to fix this. Would you be willing to put our marriage back on track and end this affair privately, right now?" 

See how that statement says what YOU will or will not allow, and asks for what you want, and gives her the chance to be willing to do it? If she is not willing to do all three of those things, her answer really is "No" so then you'd proceed to the next step...Step #3--Disclose. 

I have added this step for three reasons. By Disclosing the affair to one person whom she looks up to--like a parent, pastor, or mentor--it gives her yet another chance to realize the harm she's about to do because maybe she'll hear it from a third party, it gives her another chance to do the right thing, and it gives her one last chance to save her dignity and privacy before it's exposed. Why did I add this step? Because let's be honest...prior to the affair chances are good she felt neglected or hurt in some way and now she is painting you as "the bad guy" in order to justify her own bad choices...as if what you did wrong now gives her a license to also do wrong!  Well by hearing from a parent or pastor (a person she looks up to and admires...a person who is an objective third part) that what she's doing is wrong, that she needs to stop, and that they won't support it--the hope is that she will HEAR it and come to her senses while simultaneously keeping it between you and her.. and that one other trusted person. 

Then if she hardens her heart and still will not commit to the three conditions (http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ded-rebuild-trust-dss-honesty.html#post208407) then I would agree with the folks at MB: Step #4--Exposure. An affair kind of depends upon you being too embarrassed to tell anyone, you being guilted into silence, or you being too passive to stand up to the adultery, so bring their dark little secret to the light of day. You expose only to select people though--just telling EVERYONE is nothing but hurtful and gossip! You expose to the people who's lives will be affect if there is a divorce: your and her parents, your and her siblings, your and her employers (yours because your productivity may briefly decrease and you may be in court for legal things...and hers because she's likely using company resources and time to carry on unwanted sexual activity--and her productivity is likely down if she's using company email or laptop or worktime to fool with whatshisname), lifelong friends, your pastor and mentors at church/worship, your children.


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## HowardDuck (Feb 7, 2011)

Exposure last night. 8-10 of our friends and family on FB. Shocked them all. Told them I was committed to my marriage. Asked for help.

Crickets.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

HowardDuck said:


> Exposure last night. 8-10 of our friends and family on FB. Shocked them all. Told them I was committed to my marriage. Asked for help.
> 
> Crickets.


I could understand that happening. Very much so if they are friends to both you and your wife. One thing about my wife, even though she had an affair, I feel bad because she has almost no friends to talk to. But that is kind of her choice as she has plenty of chances to make friends. I am on the opposite side of that tree. I have dozens of close friends, a lot of them female as well. So when I shed light on her affair, (which might not have been needed being it ended when I found out, I am 150% sure of that.) I had hordes of people to help me threw this. Which I am thankful for. 

Back to you Howard, Do you have any friends that are not your wifes friends you can talk to about this?


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## Neil (Jan 5, 2011)

Just wondering what happened here...

If you look around the site, have you any progress?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah, Howard, what did they say? What'd she say?


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