# This is so difficult



## leighr (Jul 21, 2012)

My husband and I have been married 10 years and have a 7 year old daughter. We have been separated for 3 weeks now. I am the one that moved out. We have had a roller coaster relationship for the past few (or more) years. He is a functioning alcoholic, diagnosed bipolar (which is untreated by his own choice). I had become his verbal punching bag when he was drunk and he stopped showing me any type of respect long ago even when he was sober. He tells me how much I don't love him or want to be with him all the time. He has told me to leave so many times that I have lost count. I have asked him to get help for years, but he hasn't. He is having a hard time coming to terms with my leaving. His opinion is that we can't possibly work on fixing our relationship if we aren't living together. I counter that with the fact that things were not getting better between us while we were together. I am trying to find counseling for me and our daughter, and I have asked him to consider coming with us. I told him I would be willing to try to work things out if he wanted to work with me, otherwise I can't do it alone. At times he agrees it is a good idea and he acts very caring and loving, then the next day he is cold and distant and wishing me luck. 

He had a heart attack 4 days ago. He is out of the hospital now, but while he was there he said I needed to give him another chance. Now he claims he is going to do the right thing and start taking care of himself. I told him I believe we both need time and space to work on ourselves, but that I want to help him with anything that I can. He has turned cold and distant again and told me that is what I am going to get with time and space. I don't think he has been drinking since he's been back home, but there is no way for me to tell other than talking to him. He sounds completely sober (and I am all to familiar with how he sounds when he is drunk). I worry about him constantly. He says he doesn't need my help, that he needs me, but I can't go back to living the way we were. I need for him to prove to me that he is willing and able to change before I can consider going back.

Crazy as it may sound, I do love him. I'm just not sure what to do at this point. I am so tired of being manipulated and controlled. I am not without fault in our problems, but I feel my actions and attitude are a direct result of allowing him to treat me the way he has. I am hoping that counseling will help me understand more about myself and our relationship.


----------



## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

leighr said:


> My husband and I have been married 10 years and have a 7 year old daughter. We have been separated for 3 weeks now. I am the one that moved out. We have had a roller coaster relationship for the past few (or more) years. He is a functioning alcoholic, diagnosed bipolar (which is untreated by his own choice). I had become his verbal punching bag when he was drunk and he stopped showing me any type of respect long ago even when he was sober. He tells me how much I don't love him or want to be with him all the time. He has told me to leave so many times that I have lost count. I have asked him to get help for years, but he hasn't. He is having a hard time coming to terms with my leaving. His opinion is that we can't possibly work on fixing our relationship if we aren't living together. I counter that with the fact that things were not getting better between us while we were together. I am trying to find counseling for me and our daughter, and I have asked him to consider coming with us. I told him I would be willing to try to work things out if he wanted to work with me, otherwise I can't do it alone. At times he agrees it is a good idea and he acts very caring and loving, then the next day he is cold and distant and wishing me luck.
> 
> He had a heart attack 4 days ago. He is out of the hospital now, but while he was there he said I needed to give him another chance. *Now he claims he is going to do the right thing and start taking care of himself*. I told him I believe we both need time and space to work on ourselves, but that I want to help him with anything that I can. *He has turned cold and distant again and told me that is what I am going to get with time and space*. I don't think he has been drinking since he's been back home, but there is no way for me to tell other than talking to him. He sounds completely sober (and I am all to familiar with how he sounds when he is drunk). I worry about him constantly. He says he doesn't need my help, that he needs me, but I can't go back to living the way we were. I need for him to prove to me that he is willing and able to change before I can consider going back.
> 
> Crazy as it may sound, I do love him. I'm just not sure what to do at this point. *I am so tired of being manipulated and controlled*. I am not without fault in our problems, but I feel my actions and attitude are a direct result of allowing him to treat me the way he has. I am hoping that counseling will help me understand more about myself and our relationship.


Sorry that you are here.

It was a weak attempt to try and rope you back into moving home, that 'he will do the right thing and start taking care of himself'. Then turning cold. That is just straight up control.

The good thing is, you recognize it. You have that going for you.

You cannot fix his problems, really .. there is nothing you can do for him that he cannot do himself.

Sounds like you at least have somewhat of a handle on your situation, which is really good.

Believe in that feeling, and don't compromise you or your daughters well being for feeling sorry in the mess he has made of himself.

Hang in there. ((HUG))


----------



## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Good for you...hold your ground and make him prove he is changing...make sure he gets into a AA or similar type program...good for you also to seek out counseling for you and your child...

My wife left me about 20 months ago because I too chose drinking over her...took awhile, but I saw the error of my ways...got some counseling for myself, went to Living Free (Christian AA program)...I fixed myself because I needed to fix myself, not to save my marriage, but because I wanted to be there to watch my kids and grandkids...I would never have sought help if my wife hadn't have left me...my wife will be moving home soon...

Stick to your guns, be tough, give him the cold shoulderuntil he decides to seek help, then make him prove he is changing...don't give in!!!


----------



## leighr (Jul 21, 2012)

Thank you both for your words of wisdom and show of support. I know I have a long road ahead.


----------



## leighr (Jul 21, 2012)

I wish there was a way that I could believe all the promises he continues to make. He can't understand why I am unable to agree to return to our life together since he swears that if I come back he will never drink again. I told him that I could not be his crutch. He has not made it a full week sober, although he doesn't drink around me or our daughter any more. Instead, he gets drunk and calls me non-stop, or floods my phone with text messages. Even when he is sober I have gotten email "novellas" proclaiming his undieing love for me, and accusing me of throwing it all away since he is now offering me everything I ever wanted.

I have told him repeatedly how his actions and mood swings push me further away. He continues to insist that he can't "fix" himself without my help, which translates to "you need to give me another chance and move back home". He has starting seeing a psychiatrist (who, according to him, says that I have left him "high and dry", and that there is no way for him to go through this by himself), and he is keeping all his appointments with the heart doctor and primary doctor.

I started counseling a few weeks ago and I think it is starting to help me. I have stood my ground on not moving back. For a while I was spending a lot of time with him, but it just did not feel right. On my counselor's suggestion, I told him we needed to back off a little and schedule our time together, if only to cause less confusion and stress for our daughter. He called that the most ridiculous idea he had ever heard. He is still convinced that I don't love him because I refuse to do things his way. 

I have started limited my contact with him as much as possible. I very rarely call, text or email him. Usually, we only talk if I answer the phone when he calls, and if it is in the evening, he is usually drunk. Then I get to sit and listen to him go on and on for an hour or more about how I don't love him. I have spent very little time with him at all in the past few weeks. I tried a few times, but it seemed like the entire time he was withdrawn. He talks constantly of suicide, and of how he can't wait to die. His presence in our daughter's life is next to none. He says it is too hard to spend time with her and not be able to be with me too.

I am so emotionally drained. I don't know if what I am doing is the right thing or not, but what I do know is that I will not live the way I was ever again. I have told him over and over that he needs to take care of himself and stop drinking before I can ever consider coming back. He continues to insist I must help him. I don't even know what that means anymore.


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I don't have a lot of batter left on my laptop, so I will save you the long drawn out explanation and just tell you upfront. If you love him you need to lave him because your love for him is enabling his addiction and he's taking his problems out on you. He knows no matter how much you beg, scream, cry, b!tch, nag etc, at the of the day he can keep drinking and go back to breaking your heart again and again. He needs to experience the fear of loss and miss his supporting wife he took for granted when he hits rock bottom. And honey, he's not too far from it....... but holding his hand and letting him sweet talk you into taking him back after he's had a heart attack doesn't mean anything. He may adore the support you bring but he won't respect you for taking him back so quickly.


----------



## leighr (Jul 21, 2012)

Thank you for your response and words of support. It's been 11 weeks since I started trying to take control of my own life. I am taking it day by day. I just can't help wishing that he would just see the light and recognize the incentive of sobriety for himself. I know that I am not responsible for his actions and I can't fix his attitude or change his habits. He has to want to do that for himself. At the same time, I can't help feeling torn apart inside.


----------



## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

your husband is extremely codependent, until he breaks that through his very own ic, aa meetings etc by himself, with out you guiding him, i'm not an alcoholic in fact rarely drink but i was the worst codependent sob ever on this board, i've worked on my self as hard as anything i've ever done, severe self esteem issues, i've said everything your husband has said & more. my story is quite extreme though. after i did work on those things steadily, every day for months i'm proud of who i'm turning into. i know what you feel as that pain is the same for men & women, read here & post as much as you need. this place is a life saver


----------



## leighr (Jul 21, 2012)

Hard to believe, but it has been almost 5 months since I moved out and starting trying to move on. H still doesn't get that I will not be around him when he is drinking. His "logic" is that he won't drink when we are together, but seems to think that it should not matter how much (or how little) he has had before we spend time as a family. I have let him know that I will not be around him when he has been drinking. I had to turn down family time tonight because of it. Maybe one day he will get it through his head.

We had started couples counseling, and went to three sessions. He showed up smelling of alcohol at the last one and the counselor essentially "fired" us. She explained to him (us) that as long as he refused to seek treatment for his addiction, she would not be able to work with us. She offered to continue with me alone, but I am already IC elsewhere.

Thanksgiving was a little difficult, we did not spend any of that time together. I declined to go to his family dinner and did not invite him to mine. For years he has made comments about not wanting to pretend things were ok between us around our families, so this year I got to be the one that said those words. It was strange, but not at all uncomfortable. We each took our daughter with us, so she got to spend time with her cousins and grandparents. It is impossible to try to explain to a 7 year old why her parents did not spend the holiday together. Somehow I manage to change the subject.

I'm sure Christmas will not be quite a easy to get through. I keep taking things one day at a time. It has worked so far.


----------



## leighr (Jul 21, 2012)

Yesterday marked 6 months that we have been separated. I made it through Christmas and New Year's without him around, mostly by my choice. He skipped one of his family gatherings since I would not go with him, and took our daughter to the other on Christmas Eve. He turned down my offer to help me set up for Christmas morning and also refused to come over and be here while she opened her gifts. He did come over the day after Christmas, but would not accept his gifts or even open them for that matter. Just told us to take them back. Not sure what to do there. They are still wrapped and waiting for him at this point.

Talked to him yesterday for the first time since then. He continues to insist that I don't love him, want to be with him or want to work on our problems. My response (as usual) is that I do love him, but that as long as he continues to drink, we will not be together or be able to work on our issues. His response (as usual) is that as long as he is by himself, he is going to drink. His manipulations continue. 

I have stopped inviting him over for dinner. The past few times he has been here it has not been very comfortable. We don't seem to have anything to talk about and he just mopes the entire time. He does not spend any time with our daughter via his own initiative, so I have come to the conclusion that it is not my responsibility to make sure that they have time together. She misses him and she worries about his health. I allow her to call him any time she asks and would love for her to be able to go "home" and not only spend time with him but also play with her pets we had to leave behind when we moved. At the same time, I would also have to know that he had not been and would not be drinking while she was with him. Sadly, even when they are together, the time is not quality time. It is usually spent with him watching TV and her playing in another room. Same as when we were together.

She and I had a nice, quiet New Year's Eve together doing our nails, dancing around and watching the ball drop. Well, I watched the ball drop and she watched her dreams. She conked out around 11:00!


----------



## leighr (Jul 21, 2012)

There has been no contact between us in over a week. That is the longest we have ever gone not speaking. We have not seen each other since the day after Christmas when he refused to accept his gifts. His last email to me was heart wrenching, but I can't help but feel it was just another one of his ways of manipulating me. He has always talked badly about himself, and attempted suicide 10 years ago. That was the one time in our marriage that he stopped drinking for three months, then decided he could handle having a beer occasionally. Did not take long for it to go right back to the way it was. Now he's talking about suicide again, said he has gone off all his meds (bipolar, heart, blood pressure, diabetes) and as far as I know has cancelled all his doctor appointments. He refuses to spend time with our daughter alone because he says he can't handle being with her but not with me. She misses him. Every day I think about calling, but so far have not allowed myself to do it. Don't know if what I am doing is right or not.

My counselor is retiring, so I am going to start seeing the one that fired us as a couple. I am hoping that since she is familiar with him that maybe she can help me through all this. 

Anyone have any advice?


----------

