# Life during a separation, on its way to divorce.



## ravenkitty (10 mo ago)

Hi all, my husband has decided he wants a divorce. I feel so broken and blindsided. Instead of talking to me, he decided that on his own. I’ve left him to give him his alone time, which he wanted. 
Turns out he’s recently not alone and has found someone else, i’m not sure what type of relationship it is. But yeah, that’s where he is at. Legally we’re not even separated, he hasn’t filed or anything. He’s become a cheater. 

I’m struggling everyday. Not a day goes by where I don’t cry and think about him. He’s started to take me off of everything. He threatened to take me off his health insurance and auto insurance. But I believe that’s not possible, he doesn’t know that. A
I wanted to reconcile and talk. but my feelings have changed as the days goes by and he’s further away, i’m leaning towards divorce. I need to get it started if he won’t. I’m afraid to admit I lost him already, he isn’t the same as before. So i’m starting to not see hope anymore. 

If anyone has gone through their spouse leaving them, what have you done to cope and move forward? 
I’m moving out of where we use to live. Everytime I’m in our room I cry and get anxiety. I miss him like crazy.


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## Avgjoe (9 mo ago)

Sorry to hear about what you're going through. You should gather as much information on him cheating as possible. Just in case things get sticky and you end up in court. The pain you feel will get better with time. Time is really the only remedy. Marriage can only work is he is willing to be part of the marriage. If he has checked out there is no sense in having him repeatedly hurt you. You're worth more than that and owe it to yourself to be happy and not with someone who doesn't value you.


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## ravenkitty (10 mo ago)

Avgjoe said:


> Sorry to hear about what you're going through. You should gather as much information on him cheating as possible. Just in case things get sticky and you end up in court. The pain you feel will get better with time. Time is really the only remedy. Marriage can only work is he is willing to be part of the marriage. If he has checked out there is no sense in having him repeatedly hurt you. You're worth more than that and owe it to yourself to be happy and not with someone who doesn't value you.


Thank you for the advice. Time seems to be going so slow, which sucks. I wanted to wait for him, i thought he would’ve never done this. He’s changed though and I need to accept it. It sucks. 

Thank you for reminding me I shouldn’t go after anyone who doesn’t value me. Thank you.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Why are you leaving and not him? Unless that is what you want. He is the one that decided to blow up the marriage, he should be the one looking for some place to stay. 

How long have you been married and any kids?


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## Avgjoe (9 mo ago)

ravenkitty said:


> Thank you for the advice. Time seems to be going so slow, which sucks. I wanted to wait for him, i thought he would’ve never done this. He’s changed though and I need to accept it. It sucks.
> 
> Thank you for reminding me I shouldn’t go after anyone who doesn’t value me. Thank you.


Also, he should be the one leaving not you. I stayed in the house that we once shared and can relate to the pain that you feel when you look at a space that you once shared. However, it's a mental cell that you're in and you will take it with you no matter where you go. It will take time for you not to relate things and places to what used to be you and him.


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## MILProblems (Sep 11, 2019)

I'm sorry you are going through that. I went through it, and found that the best help was to have regular appointments with a therapist and to rely on my friends, both in person and online.


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## ravenkitty (10 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Why are you leaving and not him? Unless that is what you want. He is the one that decided to blow up the marriage, he should be the one looking for some place to stay.
> 
> How long have you been married and any kids?


Oh he left already. He has a new place with the new woman. 

We’ve only been married for 11 months. Together before about 2.5 years. It’s not a lot, I heard the first year of marriage is the toughest, but it hurts that he didn’t want to try to talk about his feelings. He just left. Luckily, no kids.


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

First off, I am sorry you are going through this. It is a hard road, for sure, full of ups and downs. As Avgjoe pointed out, time is really the only remedy. While not totally similar, my ex informed me that she wanted a divorce in January 2021 because she had reconnected with an old boyfriend. We are finalizing the divorce tomorrow. So I have been at this for over a year now and emotions are still somewhat raw. I don't feel sad anymore, but I do feel angry about the situation. Mostly angry for my kids (although I know they are better off not growing up in a toxic relationship), but also angry that my ex just cast me aside as if our 15+ years together was meaningless. Point being, the emotions you are having won't go away anytime soon. It will take time. And that is okay. But just remember that as much as you miss him now, you can rebuild your life and even though it is a cliche, you will be better off. You are better off with someone who truly wants you and not someone who would do these things to you. That won't change your sadness now, but it is something to think about moving forward.

As for coping, do things you enjoy, talk to friends or family, see a therapist, stay active, don't drink too much, watch out for warning signs of depression. That is my best advice for coping. Like I said above, you're going to experience a range of emotions so just know and accept that, but don't get mired in anger or sadness. Best of luck.


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## ravenkitty (10 mo ago)

Avgjoe said:


> Also, he should be the one leaving not you. I stayed in the house that we once shared and can relate to the pain that you feel when you look at a space that you once shared. However, it's a mental cell that you're in and you will take it with you no matter where you go. It will take time for you not to relate things and places to what used to be you and him.


He left already. He never came back. He has a new place with this new woman he met during our no contact week. Reason I’m leaving is because we rented a room with other roommates. We didn’t get along with them, we only stayed because it what we could afford. But he got a new apartment with this woman and has been spending money like crazy. It will hit him later on. I catch my self crying every now and then, it sucks not seeing him in our room.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

ravenkitty said:


> Oh he left already......* Luckily, no kids.*


was it a church wedding? Perhaps you could get the whole thing annulled--like it never happened


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## ravenkitty (10 mo ago)

MILProblems said:


> I'm sorry you are going through that. I went through it, and found that the best help was to have regular appointments with a therapist and to rely on my friends, both in person and online.


Currently speaking to a therapist. It helps a lot, but there are days where i feel my world crumbling down and thinking that he’s with someone else so fast. That wasn’t like him at all, prior to his relationship with me, it took him a whole year to start dating and then we met. I don’t understand how he can move SO fast this time.


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## ravenkitty (10 mo ago)

Talker67 said:


> was it a church wedding? Perhaps you could get the whole thing annulled--like it never happened


It wasn’t a church wedding, it was civil


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

ravenkitty said:


> Thank you for the advice. Time seems to be going so slow, which sucks. I wanted to wait for him, i thought he would’ve never done this. He’s changed though and I need to accept it. It sucks.
> 
> Thank you for reminding me I shouldn’t go after anyone who doesn’t value me. Thank you.


I doubt he’s changed. You are probably seeing him for what he is. Living on hopium and staying in denial won’t get you anything but a longer stay in limbo.
He wanted a separation to spend more time and focus on his new girlfriend. Like most you don’t went to believe it. 
The only one that can make you a chump is yourself. Let him go and free yourself. 
It’s time to wake up. He’s engaging in a full on sexual affair. There is nothing to salvage here.


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

ravenkitty said:


> Currently speaking to a therapist. It helps a lot, but there are days where i feel my world crumbling down and thinking that he’s with someone else so fast. That wasn’t like him at all, prior to his relationship with me, it took him a whole year to start dating and then we met. *I don’t understand how he can move SO fast this time*.


I had this same problem. Even though my ex left me for an old boyfriend, so they had history, it still was a gut punch that she moved on so fast. Regardless of what some people say, I think it is only human to have something like that make you feel worthless. Ultimately, the fault lies with the person leaving and not with you, but logic and emotions don't mix. I think it is normal to ask "why?" and be sad about how quickly someone you care about has moved on. Everyone wants to feel appreciated and when someone treats you like you are easily replaced, you feel the opposite of appreciated. I realize typing all this out probably isn't making you feel any better, but I guess I am just saying a lot of us have been in your shoes and what you are feeling is normal. Asking yourself why will go away eventually. But keeping up your therapy appointments will help with that somewhat too, I think. I guess I just wanted to validate that what you are thinking and feeling is totally normal and it will get better over time.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

ravenkitty said:


> It wasn’t a church wedding, it was civil


good! less hassle.

well it is relatively clear you need to divorce him.
but beyond that, this seems to be coming as a shock to you. so hubby must have been secretly cheating behind your back during that whole time. that indicates:
1) you chose poorly
and
2) you were fooled by his behavior

So next time, choose a better guy. You can not go looking again in the same places, or the same way, as you found him. You need to date a better class of people (men who are honest, truthful, take a vow seriously). 

and you have to learn from your mistake of trusting him too much. look back, and try to find those hidden red flags that you missed.

there is a real, but small chance, he will come back and ask for reconcilliation. so you would need to decide if that would be an option IF he came to his senses. But i would not delay the divorce proceedings....he might be a soft touch in agreeing to the divorce divying up of the assets now while he is still smitten with the new girl. You can always re-marry him in the future, if things improve


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

People rarely move that quickly unless that’s their normal pattern. It isn’t his so I‘m guessing she was around before you knew about her. A common practice is for the person who wants the separation to say they met a new person during that first week or month. The truth is they usually had met them before. I know it’s difficult but getting out now is the easiest it will ever be. The longer you’re married the more difficult it is to end it.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

ravenkitty said:


> Oh he left already. He has a new place with the new woman.
> 
> We’ve only been married for 11 months. Together before about 2.5 years. It’s not a lot, I heard the first year of marriage is the toughest, but it hurts that he didn’t want to try to talk about his feelings. He just left. Luckily, no kids.


Consider yourself lucky. He has shown you who he really is early on, which is much better than a decade or more into the marriage. Not to put salt in the wound, but I wouldn't be surprised if this wasn't the first time he strayed. I mean he bailed out during the honeymoon phase. To me that mean he was never really all in and he probably never will be.

It may be worth analyzing how you missed this character flaw in him. Maybe in hindsight there were some red flags about him that you can use to pick someone better in the future.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

It's more likely that he was seeing this other woman way prior to the no contact week. He just didn't have the jam to tell you. Nothing but a coward. Be happy that you didn't have to waste too many more years with him. Give it time; indifference will come.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I just read and commented on your other thread a few days ago, and I'm so sorry some of us were right about him probably seeing someone else.  His actions were too dramatic for all of that to have been over just an argument, etc.

I think as time goes on, you'll start reflecting on past red flags about him/his personality that you overlooked when dating, because you were in love. People don't change this quickly over night, and when you have those ''ah ha'' moments, then indifference will come. It will take time, because the hardest thing about break ups, is missing the fantasy of who that person may have been with you. Hoping that things get better for you, but I'd not let him call all the shots. You can quietly go behind the scenes to take care of yourself.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

I totally feel for you. I too was blindsided by my H of 22 years. Found out he was chasing a 20 year old who isn't even interested in him but he has some kind of delusion that he could win her over.(He is 50--insert eye roll here) Anywho, it is tough. I had no idea that there was even one problem in our marriage--even looking back. Realized it is 100% on him but it is still hard. I found out about 1 month ago 3/5 so I can't tell you long term but so far (he moved out a few weeks ago). Emotions are up and down. Okay one moment, then sad, then furious. I found for me the less contact I have with him the better (I am stuck with some b/c of a son and some business together) but if you could, I would go no contact. Contact plays with your emotions. Also be smart and don't beg or plead or reason with him. When another woman is on the scene, there is no logic or convo that will change his mind.

I would do the best you can to keep busy. Exercise, eat well, try to sleep (I still have trouble with this one) but also allow yourself to feel some of the emotions and get it out. However try not to get stuck in those feelings. I have written down things that I have in my life that are still good. I found an additional job to make sure that I would be okay with $ if he doesn't uphold his end of the money deal. Also make sure your finances are in order and consider talking to a lawyer (even if just a consult). If you have friends/family use them as a support system. I know for me, I try to never let him "see my face"...meaning I won't let him see me sad/cry etc... I suspect that for mine and probably your husband too, that when they are "let go" and live "the dream" they will see it is not all is cracked up to be. Let him know you won't stand in the way-- let her be the everyday reality girl and see how that goes. In the early days I kept repeating to myself that I would be okay and I would make it through. My neighbor noticed his car missing and texted me to see if all was well and I told her--we now go for walks together (she has been through a divorce). Point being--new people will support you too. These are a few I could think of--- wishing you some peaceful days ahead-- their are plenty of people in our boat and plenty that have made it through and were happy again. I am holding on to that. xoxo

Oh, thought of one more thing--- I am still in "our house" and I bought some new throw pillows, put in some plants and took down pics of us. Made it look a little different so it sparks less memories. You can always re-arrange furniture or put up some new pics. One positive is with his stuff out, I have more room to put some of my own things. Make the place yours.


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

I’m so sorry your going through this. My husband left 2 weeks ago. First blamed it on how I didn’t complement him enough, his love language. It caught me by surprise. But ended up finding out he’s talking to a girl 10 years younger from another country and with 3 kids. She came to visit and he slept with her. My dumb butt still wants to work it out. We’ve been together for 19 yrs with 2 kids. I tried talking to him today and he said he’s 99.9 percent wants a divorce. I’m doing good with taking care of myself and trying to keep busy. But these damn waves of emotions are killer.


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## MF_DDAY224 (10 mo ago)

Document the cheating. Any money he spends on dates or hotels with her is considered martial assets and will look very bad for him. My ex did this and my lawyer told me to submit all the documents I had regarding the money she was spending before we officially divorced


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