# I'm ruining our marriage (and driving myself crazy)



## MissLayla1986 (Aug 27, 2010)

I have been married to my husband for 3 yrs. He is 25 and i am 24. He is a truly amazing man in every respect, he is affectionate, treats me like a queen, smart, great to talk to, very good looking, and has an incredible body. i feel like i married my dream hunk. About 1 yr ago, i was diagnosed with a rare kidney condition. This affected me in two ways that would negatively impact our relationship: it forced me to take meds that killed my sex drive, and made me very jealous and suspicious of him without any rational basis. These two problems are related. My husband has always had a very high sex drive, before i started on my meds he would want sex and bj's at least once, sometimes two or three times a day. this was fine with me since he is very good in bed and always makes sure i am satisfied also and i don't mind giving him bj's. We have no kids and im a stay at home housewife so time was not an issue. after the meds we were down to maybe once a week and even then i did it mostly just to satisfy him. Because we were not having sex as much, i began to feel very suspicious and possessive, feeling that maybe he was getting his needs met elsewhere. he has repeatedly assured me that he's fine and that he can make do with once a week. he's never done anything or behaved to indicate that he was cheating, it was just my paranoid suspicions. he is very attractive and personable so he has always gotten a lot of attention from girls. we used to work out together regularly and i was very fit before my medical condition but the meds make me tired and groggy and so i stopped and have put on some pounds. now he goes to the gym alone where there are many fit and pretty girls. i have gone with him to social events in his grad program and some of the girls he attends classes with and sees every day are drop dead gorgeous. all these things contributed to my paranoia and insecurities. 

About a month ago, he began staying on campus later than usual (he is a full-time grad student), saying that he has a very difficult group project with evening meetings. this set off my paranoia to the extent that i actually began to stalk him. I hacked into his email, repeatedly checked his phone and computer, put a recording device in his car, and secretly followed him to campus. but i never found any evidence that he was cheating, all signs indicated that he's not lying about having a big project (except for one night when he told me he had a project meeting but went to have dinner with his brother instead which is weird but whatever). after about two weeks of my doing this, my husband found out and was very upset. he hasn't talked to me for a week, when he comes home he goes straight to our room (his room now since ive been sleeping on the couch). he give me one word answers when i ask him questions, he doesn't pick up his phone when i call or respond to my text messages, he doesn't even eat the meals i prepare for him. in the beginning i tried to initiate sex as a way to make it up to him but he rejected me. he has never turned me down for sex before. i have literally begged him to forgive me, but it doesn't seem to move him.

im a nervous wreck now, i cry all the time and keep thinking he's going to leave me or is cheating on me. he was so loving and supportive when i'm sick even though i could be very irritable and b**chy and put up with all my nonsense. i keep thinking that everything was my fault and how could i mess-up such a good thing. then i start thinking why would anyone want to be with a jealous, ugly b**ch like me and that he's probably out screwing someone else now even if he wasn't before. i get these images in my head of him having sex with random girls from his gym or his grad program. then i think he was out of my league to begin with and i never deserved him and that my behavior probably made him realize that. i drive myself crazy with all these thoughts and just want to scream. i want so desperately for my husband to love me again but i don't know what to do. i am really afraid that he is going to leave me or cheat on me or take a second wife.


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## examinerdeby (Aug 22, 2010)

The first thing you need to do is contact your doctor. The way you are acting and thinking sounds a lot like a problem with some medication you are taking. 

I understand how you feel because before I was diagnosed with depression and PTSD I went through periods of time when I felt like that and did much of what you just wrote. I thought, "if only I could show him how scared I am he'll fix it" and when he distanced himself from me (because I was out of control), the more I stepped up my tactics and the more I stepped it up, the more he stayed gone from the house.

What you feel and think is absolutely real to you and yet, you still have that 'real you' in there telling you that you're acting like a crazy person and you are conflicted and scared both about how you're treating him as well as what he may be doing. Is this how it is for you?

Your husband is mad and that is pretty normal because you're going way overboard on some of what you're doing and saying. Try your very best to stop crying and treating him like you are and let him know that you are going to call your doctor because something is wrong. Then list all of the symptoms you have now and didn't have before the meds you now take. Ask your husband to list the changes in you that he has noticed as well. Take this list with you to the doctor. 

I hope things get better for you soon.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

He's angry and avoiding you because you wrongly accused him of cheating; anyone would be. I don't know the side effects of the meds you're on, but from what you say, this all started after you started the meds, so I would make a direct connection between the meds and this behavior. 

Changing things with your hubby, even after you figure out what's causing this, is going to be hard. He's very hurt that you accused him of cheating, and it's going to be hard to convince him that this won't happen anymore. I would try talking to him again, explain that you suspect the meds and are going to talk to your doctor. Apologize for your accusations, and tell him that you can't promise, but you are going to try not to do that again. 

If the doctor disagrees and says it's not the meds, or you somehow change the meds or whatever and you still feel this way, consider seeing a therapist to talk about your fears. Not only can a therapist help alleviate them, but he/she would also give you an outlet to let them all out, without saying it to him and hurting/angering him. 

Your assumption is that he's a very sexual person, since you guys had such frequent sex. He tells you he's ok with once a week. I wonder if you're assuming he's a very sexual person, but in reality he enjoyed sex that often with you because you enjoyed it that often with him. Maybe he thought you were the very sexual person, and really is ok with less. He's told you he's not going elsewhere, you need to trust that. You need to believe in the words he tells you, believe in the actions he shows you.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I agree with the others. Not only did you wrongfully think he was cheating on you, and then spied on him, but this was after he has been so understanding about your medical condition.

I think he will get over this but you should also see the doctor about your meds. No one will put up with this forever.


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## MissLayla1986 (Aug 27, 2010)

thank you all so much for your advice. he came home friday night and said to me, "I'm ready to talk now." those were the sweetest 5 words i had heard in a while. we sat and talked about a lot of different issues for about 3 hours. i apologized for the spying and suspicion and he forgave me. apparently the fact that I had been sleeping on the couch had made him even more upset; he never told me to sleep on the couch but i did it because i thought he didn't want to be near me. But he took it that i didn't want to sleep with him. Funny how gestures can be misinterpreted when there's no communication.

we also agreed that i would see my doc about different medication or alternative treatments, since it's apparent that these two side affects, low sex drive + paranoia, are causing these problems and that the former side affect is making the latter worse. just from google searching and talking to my cousin who is doing her residency, i've found that there are alternative medications, but it seems that i wont be able start on them right away for a bunch of different reasons. i'll see what my doc says.

he assured me that he has never even been tempted to cheat but admitted that the infrequent sex has been more difficult for him than he had let on. we agreed that we would try to increase the amount of sex and bj's even if i can't get off the meds right away, since even if i do it only to please him, that will help keep my paranoia in check. i asked him if he would ever take a second wife (which is allowed in our muslim culture though kind of a taboo), and he just laughed and said "this isn't Saudi Arabia". he was born and raised in America and has never talked about doing that (except jokingly, which all muslim guys do), but a couple of his uncles in pakistan have two wives, which fed my paranoia.

we also agreed that part of the problem is that i haven't had much of a social life since we moved here. i have no friends in this place and no desire to make any, because i feel jealous and suspicious of any girl i meet. This is undoubtedly caused by the meds, so hopefully the key to ending these problems is getting off these meds.

i'm just really glad that we talked about all these issues and identified the source of the problem. until i (hopefully) get off these meds, i need to learn to manage my suspicions and fears and not let my mind run wild with them.


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## LuckyCharmH (Jan 4, 2010)

well, that is very nice of him. it is normal for a wife to be jealous at her husband, he should understand if it mean something it means that you love him so much. Meds make people have different personality and issues which is normal, he should understand that, there are no %100 correct med for your body, different med reacts differently in person's body.
you have Anxiety or depression or not feeling well the first person you need to seek is your husband and tell him how you feel. 
well if my wife done that to me I mean watching what I'm doing all the time i think it is kinda cute because I know she cares and in love with me, I love this kinda jealousy. 
you are not a train rick or anything, what u are going through is normal and sometimes part of marriage phase. 
you can ask you doctor to add Lexapro for Anti Anxiety to help out. and for your sex drive most medications have no solutions. most medications have contribute to love sex drive. 
since you are stay home mom, you should focus on sex as a job.
consider it a full time job you must do, like having a full time job you hate waking up early in morning but you have to go to work. 
at the same time don't show him that you are doing it for him but for you. 
I know it is hard, but I been through it myself. 
and if you masterbate you need to stop that as well.


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## MissLayla1986 (Aug 27, 2010)

thought i would drop an update, since i'm so giddy right now 

i talked to my doc and told her about the issues i've been having with the meds. she took me off most of the old meds and started me on an alternative treatment that requires me to go in for shots once a week (which i don't really mind) and another set of meds that helps prevent UTI but doesn't have bad side effects. I've been off the old meds for about a week now, and i can honestly say that life couldn't be better. i got my sex drive back a couple of days after going off the old meds and wow, what a difference. not only is it back, it's through the roof! the combination of my rejuvenated sex drive and my husband's suppressed sexual energies has resulted in an absolutely incredible sex life. i crave sex a lot, and he always obliges, and it's always amazing. it's almost to the point where it's becoming a distraction ;-) 

last sunday, i convinced my husband to take an evening off from studying and research and we had a romantic dinner followed by a wild sex romp (we did it like 7 times… i knew my man had stamina but wow!). I'm back to going to the gym with him now, and we almost always have sex right when we get back. we're averaging about 2 or 3 times a day now, which is totally fine by me. before he used to rarely came home for lunch when he went to campus during the week, now he comes home regularly for lunch and a quickie. i also surprise him with spontaneous bjs, which i've actually come to enjoy a lot. the other day i gave him a bj during the drive back from the gym (not the safest thing in the world, but really hot). we're sharing sexy and romantic text messages and emails throughout the day. it's like we're newlyweds again; i feel like the luckiest girl in the world all over again.

My paranoia is also gone. i can talk to girls without suspecting them of wanting to sleep with my husband. resuming my gym regimen and our active sex life has made me feel confident and sexy again, and i don't feel insecure when i see the girls in my husband's PhD program. i'm not suspicious of my husband anymore when he's on campus, which is like a giant weight off my shoulders. 

I realize our sex life might eventually cool off, but as long as things don't get any worse than how they were before my issues started, i'll be happy. in the meantime, i'm enjoying the ride while it lasts (pun intended ;-) )!


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