# Do I Separate? or Not?



## canuckgirl (Jun 19, 2014)

I'm new and have been lurking here awhile. I think my story is a common one. I have been married 9 years and have 3 sons under the age of 8. I have known my husband for 12 years. When I met my husband I had just moved back to my rural hometown to be closer to my father (only family I have). The past few relationships before him were tumultuous to say the least. My husband seemed like everything you could ever wish for in a good husband, he didn't drink too much or do drugs (like lots of others in my life to that point), he wasn't a womanizer (like other men I had been with), could hold a job, didn't have a temper and wasn't physically violent (again, had dealt with these too). He also came from a lovely family that was very accepting to me right away and a great group of friends who befriended me too. 

Within 3 months, I had moved into his house. Like always, I immediately went into caretaker mode. I worked, looked after the house, cooked for him, took care of him like a traditional 1950s housewife would. This was a small price to pay for all these great attributes he had. For the first time in my life, I felt emotionally safe and secure. We married, got another home and started having babies. This is where I started to notice problems. With all the babies, he was very hands off and terrified of dealing with newborns. They were pretty much entirely my responsibility for the first several months. With my 2nd son, I hemorrhaged and has to receive blood and almost needed a hysterectomy. I had been anemic through that pregnancy too. I came home very very weak. His mom came over and helped a little, he looked after our oldest for a week, but still the baby was entirely my job including all the sleeplessness, I was doing dishes and cooking dinner the day I came home  our 3rd child was a surprise. Not planned. I wanted to have an abortion. He talked me out of it. With my last son I had high blood pressure the last couple months, was hospitalized for it and put on moderate bed rest. I had no child care as his mom was dealing with cancer and I have no siblings or mom of my own and all my friends were working. I paid a ton of $$ to put my middle boy in day care while my oldest was at school. I was doing everything I shouldn't. Lifting laundry baskets, grocery shopping etc. my OB talked him about how serious this was and he had to step up. It feel on deaf ears and my son was born a month early, but healthy thank goodness. I suffered post partum depression all 3 times also. I've had depression most of my life and this just made it all worse, I feel. This is when I also realized, how my mental health issues were never ever able to be discussed. I took antidepressants and was in therapy for years. I was open about this when we got together. He seemed unable to talk about it and it was swept under the rug and kept secret from everyone which I didn't question for a long time cause I felt so ashamed of it all. I started feeling resentful. I felt like I was all on my own doing the brunt of the work at home, kids, work outside. Plus his mom was dying and I was looking after her. She died the same year my 3rd son was born. This is the year everything took a serious turn for the worst. 

Nothing would get done at home or with the kids other than his "traditional" man duties - snow, grass, fix stuff unless it was asked. Nothing. Not even picking up for himself. I felt bad and blamed me. I thought I had changed, I had spoiled him and now I wanted to change the rules who was I to do so? My mother in law was like the mom I never had and when she died it got worse cause I think having her around made being with him more worth it, as sad as I am to say that. I began to realize things like the whole time we were together he had not planned 1 date, I'd done it all ( and still hasn't), he was not once asked me how my day was, even if I was visibly upset about it. I asked him why, he says "cause you'll tell me anyway" he is quick to criticize, if I leave the slightest thing wrong, he lets me know, he used to tell me things that I don't cook like his mother until I threatened to stop cooking for him, my youngest son at 3 is still almost entirely my responsibility. He says he's too attached to me and I spoil him. 

Two years ago, I told him I was very unhappy, I felt unappreciated, taken for granted and like a housekeeper and nothing more. I asked him to go to MC. He said no. I told him I was going to go on my own. I did for about 6sessions. He did not ask me once what we discussed there. I have stopped for the past couple years planning dates, doing nice things for him, buying gifts etc. I just can't anymore. Last year, I told him again how miserable I was, same reasons, he basically told me he is who he is so tough luck but he is willing to try cause he did love me. A whole year went past without one change. In April I told him it changes or I'm leaving at the end of the year. He again thinks we do not need MC. Nothing has changed. A few weeks ago, I had a meltdown in front of the kids. Told him I'm done I want out I can't do it anymore. He was scared, very scared. Said he loved me and didn't want to lose me and grabbed me tight. He made me mad though when I went in the shower and he told the kids to "be nice to mommy today shes upset". 

I have no idea what to do, I have no money to leave, I work in a horrible job with an awful boss that I'll likely lose in the fall. I've been an angry, distant, resentful woman. I can't stand it when he touches me, I physically shudder and stiffen. I'm tired of giving him sex cause I feel I "have to" when I don't feel that toward him anymore. A couple months ago, I even told him to "hurry up and get it over with" and he did just that. I might as well have been a hole in the wall. 

Even this weekend. He was trying to kiss me. I kept turning away, I literally felt sick. He kissed my neck, my shoulders went up. Later he joked I need more chocolate and red wine to bring back my libido??? We never talk about anything except kids, money, work and the house. He ignores and tunes me out and thinks its funny. I manage the finances. He has no idea what goes on in the accounts and doesn't want to. He doesn't even have a password for online banking. He spends money without thinking. He got an inheritance when his mom died. I didn't ask for one dime. We are in debt, my car is on its last legs. I didn't ask for any for me (not the car even) but suggested some debt reduction might be an idea. He said its his money and he's going to do what he wants with it. And he has. He bought a new camper. We are camping this summer which I enjoy cause my kids do and I like to see them have fun but really has just turned into added stress and headache for me. Again, I've communicated this and it falls on deaf ears. 

I'm sorry this is so long and rambly. I just don't know how much more I can take! but am so scared of leaving.... I want to make sure I've left no stone unturned to save my marriage. But I fear I've now "checked out" and have no idea how to "check back in" so to see if theres another stone to be turned might be worthless at this point. Please help. And yes, my depression is being treated. I have a psychiatrist a psychologist and am on a medication that's helping me now.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He has made it clear that he isnt going to change, in his eyes, he sees no reason to. This marriage sounds like total misery to me. Since you control the finances, open an account for yourself and start filtering some money into it. (I think since YOU cared for his mom, you should allow yourself some of that inheritance, too!) Start making your escape plan. If your job sucks, start looking for another one, you may be surprised at what you can find. Your marriage sounds a lot like my first one, my ex had nothing to do with me or our daughter for the most part. Once I was checked out, there was no getting checked back in. And for the record, he is STILL the same exact way today that he was back then, in 1999.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

First thing I would do is work on your self-sufficiency. No matter what, you need to empower yourself. Fix your job situation, squirrel away some money, etc. Start researching your situation and figure out what your financial situation would be like in a formal separation/divorce situation. 

Second, stop making boundaries that you're not willing to enforce. All you're doing is teaching him that you don't mean what you say. 

Maybe take a read through "Too bad to Stay, too good to leave". It might be helpful. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

Personally I'm for working with the marriage issues since if we made vows then we shouldn't just divorce at the sight of issues. With this said, when you have tried a lot and for a long time and the other person isn't trying, the other person is not keeping the vows and marriage doesn't work unless both tries hard.

In your situation, your husband sounds very very selfish. Not helping you with the kids plus expecting you to take care of just every single thing. He took you for granted and have no empathy nor understanding towards you at all.

It seems that you probably know the answer already, yet you can't decide on divorce since you don't have enough self suficiency right now. As others said, start planning your finances, save money for yourself in a secret account. Try looking for other jobs. Also, are there social supports or something like that you can seek help from? Like social workers that can help women like your situation. It's thought to deal with all these plus depression, you are very strong to handle this all.


----------

