# Time for a change but what change?



## Cimerian (Jan 13, 2014)

I'm not sure where to start. First time poster here. 

I guess a little background. My wife and I married many years ago in high school. I joined the military. We had 3 kids. While I was deployed she left for another guy and left me with three young kids to raise. Eventually I remarried another woman. We connected on so many levels besides the kids. Eventually we divorced also but remained friends for a while. I ended up reconnecting with my first ex-wife and we ended up remarrying. I have 3 adult children, 1 grandchild, and another grandchild on the way. 

My current situation is this:

I think we may be just married because of the kids. There is zero spark or desire between us. She sleeps on the couch and I sleep in the bedroom. More and more I am growing dissatisfied. Our sex life is extremely predictable. Once per month in the week before her period and it is always the same. In most areas we actually get along great though. It is just that we are more like room mates instead of lovers. We never fight. We agree on money. We share chores. But that is about where it stops. We do not have deep conversations. We do not have any passion. More and more I want to ask her if we can move to being just room mates instead of being married.

Yes, I have already tried talking to her about this. I've tried all the standard ways to try and spice up a marriage(toys, romantic getaways, massages, etc.) I'm completely lost on what to do next.

Any suggestions would be much appreciated.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

What does she say about it?


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## Cimerian (Jan 13, 2014)

Usually the answers I get is "I don't know", or "I just don't think like you do"


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Cimerian said:


> Usually the answers I get is "I don't know", or "I just don't think like you do"


Well that's not good enough. You're entitled to the whole package - and it's what you sign up for when you get married.

You need to sit her down and let her know in a kind, but no uncertain terms way that you're not happy and cannot live like this for the rest of your life. X, Y and Z needs to change or the marriage will end.

Either she'll step up or she won't, but either way you have made your position clear.


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## Cimerian (Jan 13, 2014)

frusdil said:


> Well that's not good enough. You're entitled to the whole package - and it's what you sign up for when you get married.
> 
> You need to sit her down and let her know in a kind, but no uncertain terms way that you're not happy and cannot live like this for the rest of your life. X, Y and Z needs to change or the marriage will end.
> 
> Either she'll step up or she won't, but either way you have made your position clear.


I think that is the point I am at. I've been going over in my mind for days about how I will give that kind of ultimatum. I've been very troubled about how to start the "this isn't working anymore" talk. I've been very quiet lately. Really I think I am hoping for her to ask me what is wrong to give me an opening.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Cimerian said:


> I think that is the point I am at. I've been going over in my mind for days about how I will give that kind of ultimatum. I've been very troubled about how to start the "this isn't working anymore" talk. I've been very quiet lately. Really I think I am hoping for her to ask me what is wrong to give me an opening.


How old are you and your wife?


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## Cimerian (Jan 13, 2014)

Machiavelli said:


> How old are you and your wife?


I'm 41 and she is soon to be 41.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Cimerian said:


> I'm 41 and she is soon to be 41.


You've got a lot of living still to go. Here are some questions for you:

When did your present wife's libido go down the drain?

Is her time accounted for?

What kind of shape are you in?

Do women hit on you?


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## Cimerian (Jan 13, 2014)

Machiavelli said:


> You've got a lot of living still to go. Here are some questions for you:
> 
> When did your present wife's libido go down the drain?
> 
> ...


No she is not having an affair if that is what you are asking. Yes women hit on me. I'm sure men hit on her as well but she won't admit it. I'm pretty sure she did something over a year ago but she won't talk with me about it. Yes we are both in good shape. Not sure what that has to do about anything though.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Cimerian said:


> I'm completely lost on what to do next.
> 
> Any suggestions would be much appreciated.


So there may have been extracurricular activity a year ago.

The kids are grown. I'll assume you see something in her that doesn't shine through the keyboard somehow, but you clearly want to try to fix it, or you wouldn't have posted. If you don't want to stay with her, divorce her. If you don't want divorce, you need to get her focused on you and how to please you. It will be tough, because she doesn't seen to respect you, but here it is:

Your wife has basically lost sexual attraction for you. There are probably several overlapping reasons for this. The advice that follows is very counterintuitive to the tactics you have been utilizing up to this point.

The best advice I can give you is to NOT chase her, but look like you're getting ready to make a move. Get in six-pack condition, put on as much muscle as possible, and rework your look until you're dressing like a guy 10 years younger making 3X as much. Change your hair around while you are at it. Do the opposite of what you've been doing with facial hair. Trade in your ride on something extremely ballsy. Do you ride a bike?

Now all that may sound funny and beside the point, but for some reason, you are not tripping her limbic attraction cues. Women don't get horny for "rational" reasons, it's all the autonomic reproduction system kicking into drive for reasons of its own. If your woman thinks other women are after you, or it looks like you're upping your sex rank, this is one of the things that will trigger that limbic reaction.

There is a lot of research on this stuff and a lot of it has been condensed and codified in this book. I don't agree with everything this guy says, but it's a great introduction into the concept of how to maintain your wife's sexual attention over a long marriage.

You should probably also download and read "No More Mister Nice Guy."


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## Cimerian (Jan 13, 2014)

Actually I think really I have lost attraction to her. I already have sports cars. I did have a sports bike but sold it. I'd rather keep my car over a bike. Really I think frusdil has it nailed. I need to have the talk with her and explain why I can't go on like this anymore.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Cimerian said:


> Actually I think really I have lost attraction to her. I already have sports cars. I did have a sports bike but sold it. I'd rather keep my car over a bike. Really I think frusdil has it nailed. I need to have the talk with her and explain why I can't go on like this anymore.


Outstanding. Like I said, her attractive qualities weren't really shining through.


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## Pinkpetal (Jan 2, 2014)

Cimerian said:


> Actually I think really I have lost attraction to her. I already have sports cars. I did have a sports bike but sold it. I'd rather keep my car over a bike. Really I think frusdil has it nailed. I need to have the talk with her and explain why I can't go on like this anymore.



I think this is the way to go. 

Perhaps your wife can feel that you no longer find her attractive. At the very least you are both unhappy. Some good communication can only be a positive thing. Good luck to you.


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

Cimerian said:


> My current situation is this:
> 
> I think we may be just married because of the kids. There is zero spark or desire between us. She sleeps on the couch and I sleep in the bedroom. More and more I am growing dissatisfied. Our sex life is extremely predictable. Once per month in the week before her period and it is always the same. In most areas we actually get along great though. It is just that we are more like room mates instead of lovers. We never fight. We agree on money. We share chores. But that is about where it stops. We do not have deep conversations. We do not have any passion. More and more I want to ask her if we can move to being just room mates instead of being married.
> 
> ...


Been there done that, bought the t-shirt (minus the kids).

Have you had a serious sit-down with her with no other distractions telling her how you feel. Tell her how you desire a better relationship. Then tell her you are unhappy and need a change. Demand she go to marriage counseling with you. This is an offer or persuade her, you tell her "you go to counseling with me or else I contact an attorney and we start making plans to separate". 

There may be things you are doing that is driving her away that you are not aware of. For whatever reason she may not be able to share that with you. That stuff will come out in the therapy sessions together. Just be prepared that you could have contributed to the problem and be teachable.

If she decides not to go follow through. Give her 30 days or something to change her mind, set a date for the attorney and don't look back. 

My 2 cents. Life is too short to be in a relationship where you are not getting your needs met.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

frusdil said:


> Well that's not good enough. You're entitled to the whole package - and it's what you sign up for when you get married.
> 
> You need to sit her down and let her know in a kind, but no uncertain terms way that you're not happy and cannot live like this for the rest of your life. X, Y and Z needs to change or the marriage will end.
> 
> Either she'll step up or she won't, but either way you have made your position clear.


I beg you not to listen to this idiot. Who says the things that need to change are with her? Most likely you are both doing things wrong. Either by not speaking to each others love language or not meeting each others emotional needs. 

Have you asked her if she is willing to give rekindling the relationship a chance? Although there is no passion, it sounds like you two are of one mind in most other areas. And there are many others on TAM that don't get sex even once a month.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cimerian (Jan 13, 2014)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> I beg you not to listen to this idiot. Who says the things that need to change are with her? Most likely you are both doing things wrong. Either by not speaking to each others love language or not meeting each others emotional needs.
> 
> Have you asked her if she is willing to give rekindling the relationship a chance? Although there is no passion, it sounds like you two are of one mind in most other areas. And there are many others on TAM that don't get sex even once a month.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Honestly, I think it could be pretty sound. Yes I know that most likely there is something she would like from me if I could get it out of her. But at the stage I am at it's starting to get ridiculous. Maybe it is time to let her know I might not stick around if we can't change things. I've already discussed with her and even pleaded that I want more out of our relationship. I would love for nights of long talks about anything besides work. Heck I tried getting her to tell me one night what she would do if she could do anything in the world and literally she said she didn't know and she didn't think about stuff like that. I'm pretty much already ready to go. I've tried vacations with just us. Dates. Doing little things for her. Surprises. I can't think of anything else to try but telling her I might not be sticking around forever if things don't change. I am also more than willing to change or try something new if I could get her to at least tell me. I don't know. Maybe we need a really good fight. We never argue, ever. Possibly we need to just get into a big yelling and name calling argument.

Also a lot of people seem to think my problem is lack of sex in the marriage. The lack of sex I believe is merely a symptom of the bigger issue. I could have sex more often if I wanted to. But really? Who wants to have sex with a robot? I mean we don't even kiss each other. It is the complete lack of connection on the romantic level that bugs me.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

You lost that connection before the first divorce. You can't get it back. That's where you are today. You were hoping for rainbows and butterflies, and when you got back together, they didn't show up. 

Disappointing. 

But that's your reality from this keyboard.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> I beg you not to listen to this idiot.
> 
> Have you asked her if she is willing to give rekindling the relationship a chance?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow...name calling hey? How mature 

Did you actually read the parts of his posts where he has tried - more than once - to talk to his wife only to be met with indifference?

Of course there's going to need to be changes on both sides...I never said there wasn't...but the OP can't do it all on his own now can he?


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## Cimerian (Jan 13, 2014)

oscarsmom said:


> May I also suggest a book called _Red Hot Monagamy: Making your Marriage Sizzle_ by Bill and Pam Farrel?


I looked at this book. Unfortunately I am an Agnostic so do not think a biblically based book would be of much use to me. Thank you for the suggestion though. Perhaps a good book would be a good idea though.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Do you think demanding she meet your needs will make her wet for you?

Foreplay starts outside the bedroom and long before you get there.


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