# how many times can it happen



## Jim Hodges (Aug 31, 2016)

This is going to be a long story sorry. so about two years ago my wife was Facebook messaging some guy from work alot. i told her that i was not comfortable with it well about two weeks later she told me she wanted a separation. I was devastated and begged her to stay. she was complaining about me being too clingy so i worked on it. we went to marriage counseling for about 2 mo. and she cut off all ties and quit her job. As it turned out he turned into a she. Fast forward to this past February. The day after valentines day i found some text messages in her work phone from a coworker. From the day before. Her: he is being an ******* today(referring to me) Him: tell him you are leaving early and come over. Her: he is coming in her: im going to eat dinner then leave. a while later Him: i miss you already and some hearts. that was all i saw and i was so angry i woke her up and confronted her about it. I wish i would have looked at more but i was so mad. She said she was sorry and she had no idea what happened it just happened. she swore that there was nothing physical. she told me she was sorry and she quit her job. i dont know why but i begged her to stay with me and not leave me we again went to counseling and she promised she would not talk to him. About a month later she was caught texting him again. i confronted her about it and she said he had some questions about work. the marriage counselor said i was wrong for checking the phone records (that is how i caught her) and she was wrong for continuing to talk to him. We made a pack that if she ever talked to him again the marriage would be over. well last month i just wasent feeling happy about our home life. so i asked for a separation. she was devastated and kept calling me so i just went back home. Last week i told her again i need to separate and i just wasnt happy. and i went and stayed at my moms house. Now we have her brother his girlfriend and there three kids living with us. i came home on Saturday and said i think it is too many people living here and the girlfriend and the kids had to go back to her moms house. well this caused a fight and it was reviled that my wife had gone out to the bar Friday night and talked the to the other guy. i didn't feel like i was getting the full story and i looked at the phone records. I found out that she was calling and texting him the whole time i was gone. She was also calling me and begging me to come home. she told me she called him to apologize for how it ended last time. Now i am not complacently innocent i was talking to someone else too but it was about marriage stuff and i never met nor did i want to meet her . i know i was wrong too but i just don't know how much more i can take she wants one more chance to prove she wants me and only me. She says nothing physical ever happen. We have been together for 17 years and married for 11 and have two kids. i do still love her but i dont know what to do or how much more i can take. we started marriage counseling again last night 

Help!!!!


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Let her go. Your marriage is gone. She is cake eating. You deserve better. You are not happy because you are tired of fighting for a cheater that has no remorse. 

17 years is a long time, but she threw that out the window when she started her affair. This is not on you. You talking to another person is telling you that deep inside you know this is the end. You are slowly but surely moving on. Your emotions are all over the place, but your instinct is protecting you as you are seeking solace in the communications of another.

She is no longer wife material. Don't believe for one more second that this has not gone physical, it has!

She is gas lighting and feeding you trickle truth. You know enough!

Cut her loose yesterday!

File for divorce and set yourself free of this hell she started and you have allowed her to keep you in.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Leave. No, sorry, she did the classic cheater tactic. Shifted the blame to you, you accepted, which many women here will tell you makes you look weaker and remained with her. Then she showed you the same crap again. I do like that's all you saw. He didn't giver her the address so, it means she had already been to his house. He asked her to come over and she didn't balk. This means they are way more comfortable and this has been asked before. She did what he said with no protest. This means they have met before. No WAY would I believe this wasn't physical. Especially, when she was ready to separate over another guy. You then ask for a separation and she is so "devastated" she promptly continues contact, rushes over to meet him and gets drunk with him at a bar. 

Do you see the common denominator? You begged, you whined, you took all of the blame, she got what she wanted and you came running back. Ask yourself this, why would ANYONE stop if all they had to do was live the same immoral life and do some counseling to make everything okay? You haven't given her any consequences and used false threats, you have taught her your words mean nothing.

Divorce time.


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## Jim Hodges (Aug 31, 2016)

She did admit the first time going to his house for work. What makes me so upset and angry is she had to call someone else to even get his phone number because she forgot it and alsonhad to go into the settings of her phone because we blocked the number


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## drifter777 (Nov 25, 2013)

I don't think you will get any response to your situation with anything but "leave her and file for divorce". If you continue her game of getting back together, she cheats again, you separate & then get back together and start the whole ridicules, sick dance from the beginning then don't waste your time posting or reading on this forum. We cannot help someone who is not willing to help themselves.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

No offense Jim but you blew your load, you told her the next this happens the marriage was over...your threats are empty, why should she stop your not going anywhere. if you are serious and you want to get her attention file...file for divorce and then see what she does.


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## Jim Hodges (Aug 31, 2016)

I just feel bad for the kids. Im not going to tell them what mom did and all they see is dad leaving and coming back leaving and coming back


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Jim Hodges said:


> - About two years ago my wife was Facebook messaging some guy from work alot.
> 
> - The day after valentines day i found some text messages in her work phone from a coworker.
> 
> ...


You caught her messaging him two years ago. Since then she's broken no-contact; not once, not twice, but three times.

How many times will it take to convince you she's not going to stop? 

How many times will you erase your line in the sand?

I believe in second chances - sometimes. But four? Not hardly.

Wake up to the reality of who your wife is and move on with your life; without her.


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## Jim Hodges (Aug 31, 2016)

The first time was with a diffrent guy


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## Jim Hodges (Aug 31, 2016)

Its hard because when im not around her i know i should leave but when im with her she starts crying and i feel bad


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Jim Hodges said:


> The first time was with a diffrent guy


That just makes her a serial cheater. Even worse.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

It will happen as many times as you allow it to happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Jim Hodges said:


> I just feel bad for the kids. Im not going to tell them what mom did and all they see is dad leaving and coming back leaving and coming back


You can't stay with a woman who over and over and over reveals her true self to you. If she didn't change the first 4-5 times what makes you think it will ever be any different.

As for the kids, I'm sure they feel the constant tension between the two of you. Explain to them, using kid gloves what has happened. Or wait until they are a bit older. Don't name call or insult her in front of them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Jim Hodges said:


> She did admit the first time going to his house for work. What makes me so upset and angry is she had to call someone else to even get his phone number because she forgot it and alsonhad to go into the settings of her phone because we blocked the number


Newsflash -- she didn't go to his house "to work".

I hope you've got some paternity tests handy.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Jim Hodges said:


> Its hard because when im not around her i know i should leave but when im with her *she starts crying and i feel bad*


By now, I'm sure she believes that will work. Why wouldn't she?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Absolutely the kids shoudl know if they are old enough what mommy has been doing with her time....she does not get a free get out of jail card. this is on her and her actions...this is no time to be a marytr Jim


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Jim Hodges said:


> Its hard because when im not around her i know i should leave but when im with her she starts crying and i feel bad


This is spelled M-A-N-I-P-U-L-A-T-I-O-N
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She doesn't want a divorce. She wants to continue doing what she's doing. So, yeah, she's crying -- because she knows it works. 

Don't let it.


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## malpe (Aug 31, 2016)

Divorce her and move on.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Jim Hodges said:


> Its hard because when im not around her i know i should leave but when im with her she starts crying and i feel bad












*But I need you for a pay check.*


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

It will continue happening as long as you let it continue happening. 

I am not the “Burn All Cheaters at the Stake” poster here. I fully believe reconciliation is possible when it’s a 1 time thing. 

But this? This is serial cheating with no end in sight. Each time you rug sweep it you are telling her that if she cheats, you get a little mad, but then it’s A-OK, back to same ol’ same ol’.

Granted, the onus of NOT cheating at all should be on her, absolutely. But in this instance, you have shown her she can have her cake and eat it too. Why should she stop when there are NO consequences?

If you really want to stay with her for the kids, open up the marriage. You can both sleep with whoever you like and not worry about “cheating”.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

How many times? As many as you will let her.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Jim Hodges said:


> I just feel bad for the kids. Im not going to tell them what mom did and all they see is dad leaving and coming back leaving and coming back


You can and should tell the kids in an age appropriate way that Mom didn't want to stay with Daddy, or that Mom wanted to not be married any longer, or Mom wanted a boyfriend and Dad won't stay with her because of it.

Chances are the kids will have some idea anyway.

If you can find a cheap version online of the book "Women's Infidelity" it will shock you and open your eyes. The author wants far too much $$ to buy it from her website but maybe you can find it elsewhere. Anyhow, your wife's actions are textbook, and the book "Women's Infidelity" explains the underlying psychology very well.

The person inside the body of your wife is not the same person you married all those years ago. Also, don't project onto her your values and your template of marriage. You have certain beliefs about marriage and you have certain ground rules in your template of how a person is within a marriage. Your wife does not have those same values and ground rules even if you used to believe she did.

Once you understand that, much of the anguish will go away. All those "how could she have done that?" thoughts you have will cease. It will make sense, because she has different thought processes than you do. That's how she could do it! You wouldn't do it, but she would.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Jim Hodges said:


> Its hard because when im not around her i know i should leave but when im with her she starts crying and i feel bad


Look up "Hoovering". She's using a classic tactic because it works.

Also look up genuine remorse vs false remorse. In a nut shell, false remorse is either no remorse at all or only remorse for getting caught. True remorse is hating herself for harming you. True remorse is hating that she could have been able to do those things. True remorse is rare in a cheater. Your wife shows zero evidence of true remorse.

If you accidentally cut your child's hand with a knife you'd be horrified at yourself for harming your child. That's true remorse. You'd make sure to never again do whatever it was that led up to the accident.

False remorse would be telling your kid to shut up and not tell anyone about the accident because you don't want to be in trouble.

That's your wife, cutting your heart time after time and not sorry for the harm it does you.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

If you had met her a few months ago, and found out this was her behavior in her prior relationship, would you continue to date her? Even if she cried and told you not to judge her?

If you would continue to date her, then no one her can help you

If you wouldn't, there is some hope for you.

Think of her that way. Don't think of her based on who she used to be. What does she look like to you based on knowing her for only a few months?

That's who she is. Maybe she can become someone new and better than her current poor behavior (although you'd prefer she re-became who she once was but that won't happen) but she won't without soul searching and a complete change of values and actions.

See her for who she is.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Jim Hodges said:


> Its hard because when im not around her i know i should leave but when im with her she starts crying and i feel bad


That's what's called emotional manipulation. And for the love of Pete, stop begging for a cheater to pick you over her affair partners. That's weak and very unattractive.

If your children are ten or over, I'd tell them because they will wonder non-stop. Don't give them the specifics; just say something like mommy did something really bad, so daddy has to divorce her, but it's not your fault. We will both be here for you and love you unconditionally.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Jim Hodges said:


> This is going to be a long story sorry. so about two years ago my wife was Facebook messaging some guy from work alot. i told her that i was not comfortable with it well about two weeks later she told me she wanted a separation. I was devastated and begged her to stay. she was complaining about me being too clingy so i worked on it. we went to marriage counseling for about 2 mo. and she cut off all ties and quit her job. As it turned out he turned into a she. Fast forward to this past February. The day after valentines day i found some text messages in her work phone from a coworker. From the day before. Her: he is being an ******* today(referring to me) Him: tell him you are leaving early and come over. Her: he is coming in her: im going to eat dinner then leave. a while later Him: i miss you already and some hearts. that was all i saw and i was so angry i woke her up and confronted her about it. I wish i would have looked at more but i was so mad. She said she was sorry and she had no idea what happened it just happened. she swore that there was nothing physical. she told me she was sorry and she quit her job. i dont know why but i begged her to stay with me and not leave me we again went to counseling and she promised she would not talk to him. About a month later she was caught texting him again. i confronted her about it and she said he had some questions about work. the marriage counselor said i was wrong for checking the phone records (that is how i caught her) and she was wrong for continuing to talk to him. We made a pack that if she ever talked to him again the marriage would be over. well last month i just wasent feeling happy about our home life. so i asked for a separation. she was devastated and kept calling me so i just went back home. Last week i told her again i need to separate and i just wasnt happy. and i went and stayed at my moms house. Now we have her brother his girlfriend and there three kids living with us. i came home on Saturday and said i think it is too many people living here and the girlfriend and the kids had to go back to her moms house. well this caused a fight and it was reviled that my wife had gone out to the bar Friday night and talked the to the other guy. i didn't feel like i was getting the full story and i looked at the phone records. I found out that she was calling and texting him the whole time i was gone. She was also calling me and begging me to come home. she told me she called him to apologize for how it ended last time. Now i am not complacently innocent i was talking to someone else too but it was about marriage stuff and i never met nor did i want to meet her . i know i was wrong too but i just don't know how much more i can take she wants one more chance to prove she wants me and only me. She says nothing physical ever happen. We have been together for 17 years and married for 11 and have two kids. i do still love her but i dont know what to do or how much more i can take. we started marriage counseling again last night
> 
> Help!!!!


You are both playing games, I do not know what the story was about your marriage prior to her cheating but there needs to be consequences. If she really cared about the marriage or you she would not do this many times over.
Have an action plan and follow through:

1. Go ahead with the seperation
2. Go see a lawyer to see what your rights are, you do not want to leave your house if this complicates your rights
3. Tell all family and friends what she has done (she has cheated)
4. Kick her sister and family out of your house, you don't need them in the middle of everything else
5. Do the 180 on her, show her you mean business

I do not like to say the marriage is over, it could have hit a very bad patch. You may go for MC in a month or two but you need the space to get some clarity, you cannot do that at the moment.

If there is to be any reconciliation she has to be fully transparent about everything, access to all accounts, fb, etc. A full NC with the OM. She has broken that once already so I don't think she wants to save the marriage, she just wants to have her cake and eat it. If you keep taking her back, then there have been no consequences. Separation is a consequence.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Jim Hodges said:


> I just feel bad for the kids. Im not going to tell them what mom did and all they see is dad leaving and coming back leaving and coming back


Stop covering for her, the only way people can change is if they are held accountable. If the kids are old enough, tell them in general. Your Mum is looking for another man, not Dad. I will always be your father though.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Hmmm.. infidelity is not illegal - and for many reasons, its understandable. I do with "Alienation of Affection" was still around - My guess - a WHOLE lot cheating congressmen help to remove it.

But I think there should be a WAY for a person, who is LEGALLY married - who can put out a restraining order against a 3rd party - even if that person talks to your WS, it can result in arrest.
Like any restraining order, evidence would need to be presented in court. (Text messages, video, etc)

It may cause a legal reason to perhaps NOT mess a married person.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Jim Hodges said:


> I just feel bad for the kids. Im not going to tell them what mom did and all they see is dad leaving and coming back leaving and coming back[/QUOTE
> We've been where you are. You blaming doing nothing because of the kids is as Classic a Betrayed Spouse line as her " it wasn't physical line.
> Based on what you've said, in not even wondering if it went physical-- I'm absolutely certain.
> 
> ...


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Was there some sort of sex change going on there? He turned into a she? If so, that's a great part glossed over. I must know more.

Otherwise, dump the *****. She asked for a separation off the bat and said you were too clingy? She was eating deep ****ed right then bro. Deep. ****ed. And you didn't know. Wash your hands and gtfo
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

You are beyound our help.

Unless you grow a spine and leave this will keep happening.

Your wife will forever keep doing this cause she knows you dont have the balls to address the issue.

You have caught her out countless of times yet you have offered up no consequences of whatsoever to her slu...t like behavour.

Sorry to be harsh but you need to wake up. You are her Plan B. You provide the stable home life with all the comforts that go with it whilst the OM gets to bang her good.

As for her claims it wasnt physical really? You intercept messages that say come over and you believe it wasnt physical. 

What do you think he was inviting her over for a Bible Reading?


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Jim Hodges said:


> The day after valentines day i found some text messages in her work phone from a coworker. From the day before. Her: he is being an ******* today(referring to me) Him: *tell him you are leaving early and come over*. Her: he is coming in her: im going to eat dinner then leave. a while later Him: i miss you already and some hearts.


Bolded part stinks of a habit. I think it has gone physical. I may be wrong. Hope I am. Definitely an EA (she is emotionally relying on him). Would you say you are a co-dependent person? I ask because so many relationships are made of two co-dependents. It is a fine line to toe. How do you become one with someone and not allow the relationship to become parasitic?


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Jim Hodges said:


> Its hard because when im not around her i know i should leave but when im with her she starts crying and i feel bad


Then you really cannot complain can you. You keep getting slapped in the face, you're a grown man, if you don't stand up for yourself who do you expect to?

You're reaping what she's sowing.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

How many times will this happen?

As many times as the idiot enabler counsellor allows it to happen.

You need to fire the idiot counsellor ASAP.

And report him for actually enabling affairs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Oh, yes! She wants a separation SHE gets to move to a nasty one bedroom apartment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Jim Hodges said:


> I just feel bad for the kids.


 No, you don't, you feel sorry for yourself. If you felt sorry for the kids, you'd never allow them to see their father being this weak and indecisive. 



> Im not going to tell them what mom did and all they see is dad leaving and coming back leaving and coming back


Then don't be surprised when they end up resenting you. It's sad because most kids resent the person who didn't cheat for being a liar and not telling them the truth at some point.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Reminds me when I was a kid and we were spitting up sides for a basketball game. 

Always that one kid... "Pick Me! Pick Me!"... sad.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

*


Sports Fan said:



You are beyound our help.

Unless you grow a spine and leave this will keep happening.

Your wife will forever keep doing this cause she knows you dont have the balls to address the issue.

You have caught her out countless of times yet you have offered up no consequences of whatsoever to her slu...t like behavour.

Sorry to be harsh but you need to wake up. You are her Plan B. You provide the stable home life with all the comforts that go with it whilst the OM gets to bang her good.

As for her claims it wasnt physical really? You intercept messages that say come over and you believe it wasnt physical. 

What do you think he was inviting her over for a Bible Reading?

Click to expand...

*


OP,

Would you PLEASE read the above from Sports Fan again. it is not meant to be harsh. Your situation is NOT unique and neither is the tepid response she has gotten from you.

First FIRE THAT IDIOT THERAPIST YOU HIRED

All she has to do is cry and then you say by your inaction that Ok honey, now you can go **** him some more so you will feel better.

You are being bullied emotionally and abused. When you were a kid you should have learned that bullies only keep at it until their victim punches them in the nose. Then it stops.

You have two choices 
(1) live in the open marriage she has created for you
(2) get out of infidelity

unless you choose number two and ACT on what you are told, nothing will chance.

if you choose number 1, i suggest you visit a polyamory forum and they will advise you on how to keep busy while your wife has sex with other men.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Oh and the answer to this:
*how many times can it happen*
As many times as you ALLOW it to happen. These incidents are 100% her fault, but you came back. So, it is 100% your fault for accepting the behavior.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

time to see your attorney, and file.

but get a timeline from her about all of her cheating and tell the kids.

also time to get tested for stds and have her leave. get the paternity tests.

She leaves the family behind. She will not stop cheating. protect your kids and she leaves. 

You do not want your kids around all of her APs.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Not the first time I said this today: "You deserve better."


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Jim Hodges said:


> The day after valentines day i found some text messages in her work phone from a coworker.
> 
> Her: he is being an a$$hole today(referring to me)
> 
> ...


They fvcked...



Jim Hodges said:


> She says nothing physical ever happen.


She's a liar...


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

If you didn't have kids, would you have divorced her already?

Don't stay because of the kids. Move on. Work on yourself. You will find a much better girl in the near future.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> They fvcked...
> 
> 
> 
> She's a liar...


Yep.

Dude, for as long as she thinks that a PA is a dealbreaker for you, she ain't gonna 'fess up to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Stop with the leaving and coming back crap. If you keep it up, your kids will be glad to see you gone for good just to get some stability in their lives.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Dude, for as long as she thinks that a PA is a dealbreaker for you, she ain't gonna 'fess up to it.


If the multiple men OP has confirmed is not a deal breaker than neither will a PA be.

I get the feeling he just wants her to stop cheating so he can rug sweep the whole thing. 

I have no advice to offer that will support that position. I'd dump a serial cheat and never look back.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Jim Hodges said:


> She did admit the first time going to his house for work. What makes me so upset and angry is she had to call someone else to even get his phone number because she forgot it and alsonhad to go into the settings of her phone because we blocked the number


So?

What does that mean in the grand scheme of A CHEATING WIFE?


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