# Swinging



## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

Got your attentions right? A lot of external things bug me as a result I stopped them. Example, watching the news really gets me mad and angry. So I stopped watching the news. I used to watch the news religiously since I was a kid. If you do a search on TAM you will find that my wife and I are in the lifestyle. At times it can be VERY fun however, I am finding out that most of the people who participate in it really piss me off. Supposedly, folks in the "Lifestyle" are more respectful of other people, less judgemental, more laid back, and have less drama problems then non-swingers. I find most of this to be Bull ****. People are people swingers or vanilla. I know I am kinda rambling.... Anyway, my wife and I have been going to couples therapy for about a year now and in that time I have found that the real reason why I was attracted to the lifestyle. Adrenalin. It's my high. When things dont go as I had hoped (which is most of the time) its a HUGE let down. As a result I would get angry and take it out on my wife.... Not good. Right? I have asked (and told) her repeatedly that we need to end the lifestyle. She counters that we just need a break. Mind you for me the world revolves around my penis. This is how I view sex. Sex is the most important thing. Not so with my wife she is normal. She can go to a swingers party and could careless about hooking up. I am the complete opposite. I get down right angry if we, me, or she, does not **** anyone that night. BTW our therapist is well aware of our extracurricular activities. She does not judge or advise us on what we do she just helps us identify and resolve issues. 


I am tired and need to go to bed. I will ramble on some more later.....


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So she wants to take a break for awhile, and you want to end it forever? So why not try the break for awhile and take it from there?

Why does your wife want to stay in the lifestyle?

As any FYI, my SO and I have been to a few sex clubs, done the threesomes thing. And if either of us reacted like you appear to be reacting, I'd figure it's not healthy for our relationship and we should stop doing it. The emphasis has to be on the relationship. Of course, I'd also likely say that you need to get your sh1t together, as I suspect your anger and sex issues spill out into other areas too.

Just my $0.02...

C


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm not in the life style, but man I thought I was the only one around here that has the same kind of thinking.

Sure we could be wrong, but I don't care who you are, sex is the glue!

So from one thinks with his penis to another .....your the phucking man and its time to protect your marriage...it will always be up to your old lady to respect this new boundary or bail.

It appears your old lady is getting some kind of bound with "these' folks and hell from were I'm sitting she can get this emotional bond from a sewing group.

I'm thinking that this is your chicks social cycle and is afraid to lose her "only social network"?

WTF, time to find new friend if her old man isn't into it.....after all itS her and you against the world. She should be with you or against you?

And if she is against you then maybe its time to "just let her go"...find a new chick that is in line with your new thinking.

But what the hell do I know?

Protect your marriage, protect your own emotional health, your old lady has the choice to walk next to you, not infront of you and not behund you!


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

PBear said:


> So she wants to take a break for awhile, and you want to end it forever? So why not try the break for awhile and take it from there?


We've taken breaks but when we get back into it I still have the same problems as I stated about.



> Why does your wife want to stay in the lifestyle?


Because she says she has fun.... I think she has fun at my expense! lol
I have gone a couple of months not mentioning or suggesting any lifestyle events and she thought I was mad at her for not bringing up the topic.



> As any FYI, my SO and I have been to a few sex clubs, done the threesomes thing. And if either of us reacted like you appear to be reacting, I'd figure it's not healthy for our relationship and we should stop doing it. The emphasis has to be on the relationship. Of course, I'd also likely say that you need to get your sh1t together, as I suspect your anger and sex issues spill out into other areas too.
> 
> Just my $0.02...
> 
> C


I agree... I think I will just drop the subject of swinging again and if she mentions it I will just tell her I am not interested....


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

the guy said:


> Protect your marriage, protect your own emotional health, your old lady has the choice to walk next to you, not infront of you and not behund you!


I agree with you!:smthumbup:


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

My wife and I are not on the same page when it comes to the "Lifestyle"

Also another FYI about me and my personality..... I AM NOT A PEOPLE PERSON

In fact most people IMO are useless nuisances sucking up my air.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

I found that the lifestylers near us were very um...politically not my bag of chips. I never f*** outside my political realm, so yeah, no play. And they were obese. Gut-wrenchingly so.

It was an easy decision for H and I to stop: if one of us was uncomfortable, we would stop until that partner reopened the conversation again.

It really sounds like some IC concerning anger, control and expectations. Why not take the break and focus on that? Expectations might well be affecting you in other areas in a lesser way, and you'd be able to tackle that too. You can agree to the break and stipulate that a new boundary temporarily needs to be in place while you work on yourself. (I'd love to hear "I want to work on myself" at all. Many wives would.)

ETA: social anxiety makes swinging difficult unless you do it privately. That's been my experience, and now my marriage is closed until further notice, by both our choice.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

I've been married over 20 years and we swing on occasion at the local club. Or at least we go to the club and sometimes something will happen, but most times not because it's hard to find an attraction. However, it turns us on for when we get back home.

We do not make friends with these people. We do not go drinking, shopping or BBQ with them. They do not meet our kids...or even know that we have any. Heck, we don't even use our real names! I think problems arise in the "lifestyle" because people bond with each other and then inevitably jealousy ensues. To me, these experiences are enhancements, not replacements. Your wife probably needs more boundaries to keep her vanilla life safe.

It is also critical that the couple is in constant, detailed communication with each other before, during and after. If one is uncomfortable, it stops immediately...PERIOD!


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

SuspeciuosOfPeople, your marriage will end in only one way. I give you 50-50 odds you'll not be married in two years.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

suspicious said: "In fact most people IMO are useless nuisances sucking up my air."

So if I understand this correctly, what is happening is that you aren't getting enough f*cking when you go out swinging...yet you think people are useless...yet you think they should want to f*ck you even though you hate them.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Walter...all marriages only have a 50/50 shot so....


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

OP, you don't sound temperamentally suited to being in the lifestyle, so quitting is probably a good idea. Getting your wife to agree is the hard part, but simply not going to events should put a stop to it (unless she goes alone, which may be contrary to what you two have agreed?).

You are right, though, that people are people, in or out of the lifestyle. Those in it may try a little harder to be nice to get what they want, but the jerks are quickly identified and avoided - they then tend to prey on the unsuspecting newbies and ruin it for them, too.


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> suspicious said: "In fact most people IMO are useless nuisances sucking up my air."
> 
> So if I understand this correctly, what is happening is that you aren't getting enough f*cking when you go out swinging...yet you think people are useless...yet you think they should want to f*ck you even though you hate them.


I think its opposite. I go into a social atmosphere with a positive attitude my attitude becomes more negative over the course of the night/event to where I am basically disgusted with the crowd to the point where I hate them.

The saying the more I learn about people the more I like my dog holds true for me.....


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> OP, you don't sound temperamentally suited to being in the lifestyle, so quitting is probably a good idea. Getting your wife to agree is the hard part, but simply not going to events should put a stop to it (unless she goes alone, which may be contrary to what you two have agreed?).
> 
> You are right, though, that people are people, in or out of the lifestyle. Those in it may try a little harder to be nice to get what they want, but the jerks are quickly identified and avoided - they then tend to prey on the unsuspecting newbies and ruin it for them, too.


She wont go alone. My wife is very passive when it comes to sex. Not submissive. Like I said previously "She can go to a swingers party and could care less about hooking up."


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

What's wrong? The people at the club pay more attention to your wife than to you or something? You have a lot of issues to work through personally before you can become a good husband. And I think swinging when married is a terrible mistake, but that's just me I guess...


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

We (wife & I) had a discussion about the Lifestyle I basically told her we are not a fit or match for it. She responds by saying "you mean Im not a match". I told her the truth and said YES. she got mad and wanted me to explain. I told her that she doesnt pick up on the ques or gestures when someone is interested in her. I can tell if someone is interested in me in a matter of 10-15 minutes of talking to them. Also, she will stay and continue to talk to people that are not interested in "playing". Dont get me wrong its nice to talk to new people but I would rather talk to vanilla friends or relatives. Lifestyle events are for living out our fantasies *together *not for making regular friends.....

Ill probably edit this post


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> What's wrong? The people at the club pay more attention to your wife than to you or something? You have a lot of issues to work through personally before you can become a good husband. And I think swinging when married is a terrible mistake, but that's just me I guess...


Actually no we get equal attention. I like it when she does get a lot of attention.

I know I have issues particularly anger issues.. BTW we've been married going on 20 years. How about you?

Every couple defines their marriage to suit their particular needs and desires.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

> I know I have issues particularly anger issues..





> Every couple defines their marriage to suit their particular needs and desires





> I basically told her we are not a fit or match for it. She responds by saying "you mean Im not a match". I told her the truth and said YES


It sounds like you and your anger are defining the marriage, or at least the play time. You're expecting her to act as *you* want, admitting you have anger issues and not seeking IC to deal with that _before_ getting back into playing.

She has already told you where she stands and how she wants to handle it, yet you're pushing her to do what you want (continue playing, and acting the way you want, picking up on cues, getting to it faster, etc)

You're pushing her and she will end up resentful, no doubt. You might want to check your wants and your ego.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

It seems to me, when you goto the parties you want to get laid fast and furious style.

While she likes to mingle, meet people and if it happens it happens and if it doesn't oh well, she got to meet some nice people and had a good time.

Good time for you at swingers parties = getting laid.
Good time for her at a swingers parties = meet people and maybe get laid.

And you're pissed because you're both not getting laid left and right like you want. If she's comfortable with you having sex with others, just go and bang away as long as you're both ok with it. Why worry if she's going to have sex with other people or not, go fulfill your fantasy and be happy. Now, if you need her to HAVE sex to make it enjoyable for you too then well, you've got a big problem.

If you posted this on a swingers forum they would chew you up and spit you out. Once I told them about why we thought about joining the lifestyle, almost everyone told us we weren't right for it. The other small percentage just wanted to bang my wife like no tomorrow and those were mostly single men who trolled swinger sites looking for the next easy score. Man, the amount of men's junk that I got through PMs was scary, if someone saw my account they would have thought I was coming out of the closet....


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

TikiKeen said:


> And they were obese. *Gut*-wrenchingly so.


:lol: yeah, I guess that is the best way to put it...


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

ba dum chum. I missed that. I'm kind of punny.


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## mrbigmrssexy (Nov 23, 2013)

Suspicious,

Really sounds like you need to stop swinging. It sounds like you have unrealistic expectations of almost everyone, both in swinging and outside swinging, since you almost always get pissed off about everyone. 

You need to just talk to your wife, be honest that you do not want to go anymore, and then work on your own social skills to be able to temper your dislike of other people that you might mingle with. Otherwise you are going to grow old and lonely very quickly.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Mind you for me the world revolves around my penis. This is how I view sex.


I just want to throw it out there, but - maybe this is one of the reasons that swinging appeals to your wife. I mean, what's your regular sex life like when apparently, the world only revolves around your penis, and what you get out of sex.


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

mrbigmrssexy said:


> Suspicious,
> 
> Really sounds like you need to stop swinging. It sounds like you have unrealistic expectations of almost everyone, both in swinging and outside swinging, since you almost always get pissed off about everyone.
> 
> You need to just talk to your wife, be honest that you do not want to go anymore, and then work on your own social skills to be able to temper your dislike of other people that you might mingle with. Otherwise you are going to grow old and lonely very quickly.


I do have unrealistic expectations when it comes to swinging. My wife reminds me of this every time I get frustrated with the Lifestyle. We are going to continue in the lifestyle and I am going to try to keep my expectations low.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

So let me get this straight. You both are swingers, and are in couples therapy?

You don't say


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