# Wife still keeping things from me



## bhk2000 (Jun 24, 2016)

Hi everyone,

Without going into details my wife had an emotional affair which I found out about in May of this year. Once she was confronted with what I had learned she proceeded to trickle out info about the affair. After hearing her side of the story there were a lot of gaps.

For the next few months she did everything she could to make me happy except try and earn my trust back. I kept finding these little bits and pieces that conflicted with her story and when I would bring them up the subject would turn to her feeling like all her efforts to be a better wife were a waste because I was still digging. She has continuously maintained that there is nothing left to tell.

Over time I would bring these things up less often. I started to feel like it didn't matter and all that I should care about was that she was dedicated to our marriage now.

Over the last month she has been up and down. First a period of feeling like there was no point in saving our marriage. Then a week of her back to being optimistic again. Now she's back to doubting. It's really hard to take and has caused me to go back to doubting and digging.

We're at the point where if I bring up any new evidence or my doubts the conversation immediately changes to "lets just get a divorce." She won't even answer my questions. She says she knows she did this to herself but she can't handle being made out to be a criminal and it would be easier to scrap the marriage than fix it.

Deep down I know something is going on. I know she's still holding back truth from before and I can't help but feel like something is still going on with her being up and down. I feel like she's bluffing about the divorce to deflect my inquiries. If she's not, I don't really care at this point.

The way I see it is if I get on board with the divorce and start taking steps she will either realize this has backfired and come clean in a last-ditch effort to save our marriage or we will just get a divorce. I'm just looking for advice from you all about how to go about sending a message to my wife that I'm done with her deception.


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## Good Guy (Apr 26, 2016)

You are right. File for divorce and see what happens.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

If you have absolute proof that she did not tell you everything when she said you did, then I'd say quietly start preparing for divorce (separate finances, speak to an attorney, etc....)

You can hunt for more evidence quietly while you do this but it sounds like there's a whole lot more than has been revealed.

Any marriage counseling involved?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

She is trickle truthing you. Hiding all the details because she is still emotionally attached to the affair partner. Since she has not expressed any real remorse for the damage she caused to your marriage, she is most likely still in contact with him. Her saying that she was trying to repair the marriage while still lying to you about the details is BS.

Did she have the opportunity to take the affair physical? Lots of times the cheater will hide the most damning truths. Justifying it by claiming she did not want to cause you more pain, when in reality she is protecting herself and her affair partner.

One constant truth here is that you have to be willing to end a broken marriage to save it. Tell her she is correct that it will be easier to divorce than to fix a marriage that she does not want. I don't believe she values you or your marriage at this point.


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## bhk2000 (Jun 24, 2016)

Chris Taylor said:


> Any marriage counseling involved?



Yes, we saw someone pretty soon after d-day and he said he couldn't help us until my wife was willing to tell the truth.

We've seen a new counselor twice who told her he believed her. He's good but I'm not sure how he could help at this point and my wife is probably not willing to see him again.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

bhk2000 said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> Without going into details my wife had an emotional affair which I found out about in May of this year. Once she was confronted with what I had learned she proceeded to trickle out info about the affair. After hearing her side of the story there were a lot of gaps.
> 
> ...


I would call her bluff, what do you have to lose but a dishonest spouse. Maybe she has told you the truth, the thing is you are never really going to know. Welcome to your life now. Are you settling because she is safe? Can you live with not really knowing?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

bhk2000 said:


> Yes, we saw someone pretty soon after d-day and he said he couldn't help us until my wife was willing to tell the truth.
> 
> We've seen a new counselor twice who told her he believed her. He's good but I'm not sure how he could help at this point and my wife is probably not willing to see him again.


Your first counselor was correct.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If I were you, I'd stop telling her for a while about the things that I found. People who cheat tend to lie about it. They seldom will tell the whole truth.

Keep in mind that most people who cheat are ashamed of their own behavior. So they don't want to answer the questions. They just want it to go away. It's a kind of self preservation.

When I found out that my husband was cheating, there were few things that he told me. Instead, if I found something out and confronted him, he would usually try to deny it. But if I had hard evidence he would eventually admit to what I found and nothing more. I eventually got sick and tired of this little game and gave him a choice. Either 1) he could tell me everything (I had a lot of evidence that I never showed him so I would know if he was lying) or 2) We'll just go with my imagination and it was probably worse than reality. I told him that I would make my decisions based on which path he chose. He decided that we'd go with whatever I imagined about his affair.

I also monitored him for a long time... years, to see if he would repeat cheat. But I seldom mentioned to him what I found. Thought I'd just let him prove himself or hang himself. He eventually hung himself.

It is normal for a betrayed spouse to ask questions about the affair for a very long time... 1 or 2 years at least. Why? Because it's a big secret. To re-build intimacy you have to 'own' the affair, meaning that you get to the point where you feel like you know enough about it that it's not some huge secret that she is holding back from you. Secrets kill marriages/relationships.

It sounds like you are telling her about everything you find as soon as you find it. Stop doing that. Every time you do this you give her warning to keep anything wrong that she is doing underground. Either she is being honest or she is not. 

There is a good book that might help the two of you. It will give you a good idea of what each of you need to do to recover from the affair.

*How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful*


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

bhk2000 said:


> Yes, we saw someone pretty soon after d-day and he said he couldn't help us until my wife was willing to tell the truth.
> 
> We've seen a new counselor twice who told her he believed her. He's good but I'm not sure how he could help at this point and my wife is probably not willing to see him again.


Your first guy was right, second guy is lost. 

You are doing many things wrong, if you stay with this attitude you will not succeed eventually your resentment will get the better of you. 

Here you go


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

This post is no different then your last thread. Has anything changed? I think @MJJEAN post summed it up. I also wonder if you read the last page your thread. Some real questions where raised.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

bhk2000 said:


> We're at the point where if I bring up any new evidence or my doubts the conversation immediately changes to "lets just get a divorce." She won't even answer my questions. She says she knows she did this to herself but she can't handle being made out to be a criminal and it would be easier to scrap the marriage than fix it.


Your wife is simply trying to rug sweep her A. Her unwillingness to be truthful and talk to you at any point and time should be absolutely unacceptable to you. It's a blatant demonstration of non-remorse. It means she is unwilling to do the heavy lifting to help you heal.

Unless she turns around, don't wait for her to suggest divorce again. Talk to a lawyer asap, get your ducks in a row; and the next time she plays that card - service her right then and there with divorce papers.


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## bhk2000 (Jun 24, 2016)

TDSC60 said:


> She is trickle truthing you. Hiding all the details because she is still emotionally attached to the affair partner. Since she has not expressed any real remorse for the damage she caused to your marriage, she is most likely still in contact with him.
> 
> Did she have the opportunity to take the affair physical? Lots of times the cheater will hide the most damning truths. Justifying it by claiming she did not want to cause you more pain, when in reality she is protecting herself and her affair partner.
> 
> One constant truth here is that you have to be willing to end a broken marriage to save it. Tell her she is correct that it will be easier to divorce than to fix a marriage that she does not want. I don't believe she values you or your marriage at this point.


The odd thing about the affair partner is that he's a major step down from me when it comes to having a job and being successful. He is someone she would be embarrassed to introduce to her parents and I have confirmed this. It leads me to believe he was a step up in other ways (emotionally, giving validation) but because she can't have anything real with him she is trying to have the best of both worlds.

She has expressed extreme remorse but she doesn't seem to understand why I haven't moved on yet.

She did have many chances to take thing physical which could very likely be the case.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

bhk2000 said:


> The odd thing about the affair partner is that he's a major step down from me when it comes to having a job and being successful. He is someone she would be embarrassed to introduce to her parents and I have confirmed this. It leads me to believe he was a step up in other ways (emotionally, giving validation) but because she can't have anything real with him she is trying to have the best of both worlds.
> 
> She has expressed extreme remorse but she doesn't seem to understand why I haven't moved on yet.
> 
> She did have many chances to take thing physical which could very likely be the case.


Sex is the currency women will use to get the ego kibbles they want from men. I think it went physical and that is what she will never confess to you. She would rather divorce you than have it known that her having sex with another man is the real reason for the divorce.

Tell her that her continued lying about the affair is what is holding you back from moving on. Every time you find out a little more info, it puts you right back to the starting line.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

bhk2000 said:


> She has expressed extreme remorse...


I seriously doubt this.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

becareful2 said:


> I seriously doubt this.


Yeah doesn't sound like it to me.

OP you response should be, 

Wife: you have just not been honest in our relationship, I am sorry but I think I can do better then that. (drops the papers, moves on to a better person, better wife). You are the catch here let her go be with the other guy. There are lots of fish out there.


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## drifter777 (Nov 25, 2013)

bhk2000 said:


> ....The way I see it is if I get on board with the divorce and start taking steps she will either realize this has backfired and come clean in a last-ditch effort to save our marriage or we will just get a divorce. I'm just looking for advice from you all about how to go about sending a message to my wife that I'm done with her deception.


You have it figured out perfectly. Tell her you want a divorce, contact a lawyer, file the papers and have her served. At this point you have absolutly nothing to lose - move forward with your well thought-out plan.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

The longer you keep up this guerilla warfare the less chance that you will be successful. She will get so tired of being defensive and you will get so tired of being jerked around that the relationship will become poisoned beyond repair.

My suggestion would be to do a friendly divorce while you are still basically friendly. After the divorce is accomplished, maintain the relationship and see -as a divorced couple- if there is enough left to want to continue in a just-as-if-married relationship. It is a tough way to resolve the "if you keep asking me, we need to get divorced" talk, but otherwise you are heading for years of a relationship increasingly frustrating and disappointing. Then no love will survive. On your part, or on her part.


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## bhk2000 (Jun 24, 2016)

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I'm going to start taking steps for the divorce. I really don't care anymore. Let's see if she will try to win be back but either way it's not going to be my problem anymore.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

BHK2000,

I'm not for a quick fire on the divorce, a polygraph is much cheaper than a divorce. You might be able to recover once you get the truth, but you will be years or decades in limbo as it now stands.

Did you speak with the OM, it sounds like he is full of himself and might be arrogant enough to brag about the affair to you and give you a timeline or something.

But your WW slept in bed with the OM and had an intense emotional connection to him, she allowed your children to get to know him as a nice guy, your WW saw OM as their next father. But they didn't have sex!!!

Your WW is just terrified of telling you the truth, so is my WW. Even thought it happened 20+ years ago, I think if my WW were honest it would reduce her tot he level of her serial cheating father, someone she never wanted to be like.

Tamat


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

There is a guy on another forum whose wife cheated on him. She wasn't remorseful and would not reveal the affair partner's identity. She protected her OM while her betrayed husband was hurting. He desperately wanted to reconcile and was even more desperate to save his marriage than you are now. Eventually, however, even he realized that divorce was inevitable. They're now in the process of divorcing but he could have saved himself a whole lot of grief had he just listened to the advice given to him to dump her. Your wife isn't remorseful; otherwise, she would have given you every bit of info, and she'd never suggest a divorce because working on the marriage was so hard.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

*


Good Guy said:



You are right. File for divorce and see what happens.

Click to expand...

*
There is the first step, but do not do that if you are only bluffing.

The second step is to demand, not ask, for a polygraph. Her reaction alone will tell you a lot, but DO THE TEST . if she is telling you the truth and this was not a PA, she should welcome the opportunity to prove she has not continued to lie.

You asked what to do. There it is. if you do nothing, she knows you ain't going anywhere and she will continue to stonewall you because there have been no real consequences.

Does not mean you will be divorced. it means she will know she has a finite amount of time to convince you why you should not divorce. That changes to narrative.

There is nothing like divorce papers to end the so called "fog" abruptly.


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## bhk2000 (Jun 24, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> BHK2000,
> 
> I'm not for a quick fire on the divorce, a polygraph is much cheaper than a divorce. You might be able to recover once you get the truth, but you will be years or decades in limbo as it now stands.
> 
> ...


The polygraph ship has sailed at this point. OM would not respond to my calls or texts. Don't worry, I'm pretty convinced at this point that they had sex. The lack of honestly is what's finally pushed me to just not care anymore and end it. Maybe the truth would have gotten me to this same place or maybe we could have worked through it, but it doesn't really matter now. She should have come clean a long time ago.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

BHK2000,

Here's another test, expose OM to everyone in his life parents , grandparents , adult children , work , facebook , linkedin , etc etc.

If OM is still in contact with your WW she will react immediately, if your WW is still in love with OM she will be crushed as it will make the affair public and will prevent them from getting together without shame.

Tamat


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

The majority of women are not emotionally able to have sex with more than one man. Once she gotten to the point that she's given herself to another, she has detached from husband. Many times the woman will stop having sex with husband so she can be loyal to her new man. 

We've had so many threads of BHs that believed they stopped the affair but it turns out the affair was taken further underground. WWs find it hard to let go of their OM. I've read so many threads by WWs that are faking R, even while going to MC, meanwhile the PA is still on.

You need to do some independent detective work. Expecting your WW to be honest is not logical. She's a proven liar. Get a VAR installed in her car, and be sure to look for a burner phone.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

What is it you expect to happen? Everything out and a happy marriage til you are 90 years old? Right now she feels extreme guilt. She avoids feeling that way by justifying and victimizing. It's natural and my wife did it to the extreme. It's amazing how we all act the same in most circumstances if we aren't aware of how the same we are all acting. 

There is no fix because your wife hates herself. It's easier for her to let you go than to let herself go. She doesn't want to think of herself as the person she really is. Nobody does. She will regret it, but she will never own up to it. It doesn't matter. You don't want this. You want to free her of the burden of guilt and yourself of the burden of her deceit. The only happy ending is when you two move on and try to start over fresh. You will never believe her, you will always wonder when it will happen again and she will never show remorse because that will undermine her entire sense of self being. It sucks, but end it now so you don't waste any more time trying to fix something that cannot be fixed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

bhk2000 said:


> She has continuously maintained that there is nothing left to tell.


Here's a basic rule everyone should follow when dealing with a cheater:

Rule Number #1: There's *always* more to the story. *Always*.

Rule Number #2: See Rule #1.



> Thanks everyone for the feedback. I'm going to start taking steps for the divorce. I really don't care anymore. Let's see if she will try to win be back but either way it's not going to be my problem anymore.


Smart decision.

What's the point of 'reconciling' with a remorseless liar?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Don't announce that you are filing for divorce to her.

Implement the "180". Treat her as a friend or roommate who is treated with respect but is not privy to your private thoughts. 

Be genial, but do not engage in further discussions about her affair or the marriage. Spend time with your kids. Spend time on yourself. 

Above all be ready for her to change once she is served with papers. She might realize the gravy train is leaving the station and try anything to stop you. Be prepared.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Good Guy said:


> You are right. File for divorce and see what happens.


This, but see what happens with other people, lol I wouldn't see what happens with her anymore. Your concerns are legit, and honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if it was still going on. Which is why she is tossing divorce into the conversation, doesn't sound too remorseful to me and like someone who wishes to make things better with you. Plenty of other women in the world who won't cheat on you. Best wishes.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

At an absolute bare minimum, reconciliation requires the following:

Remorse
Honesty (i.e. full disclosure, no TT, etc)
Transparency going forward
No contact w/ any APs

One, two, or three out of four won't cut it -- it's all or nothing.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

bhk2000 said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> Without going into details my wife had an emotional affair which I found out about in May of this year. Once she was confronted with what I had learned she proceeded to trickle out info about the affair. After hearing her side of the story there were a lot of gaps.
> 
> ...


You are being played.

The ONLY way you'll save your marriage is to hand her divorce papers and tell her 'prove to me why I shouldn't move forward; otherwise, we'll be divorced in X months.'


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## bhk2000 (Jun 24, 2016)

Thanks for all the advice! Here's an update.

On the day I posted this my wife came home from work all loving and happy to see me. She noticed I was being distant and once she noticed her affections weren't doing much she asked me what was going on.

I told her that I don't believe all of her story. That parts of her story don't add up and that in my gut there is a feeling I can't shake. I told her that despite loving her and wishing it would work out, I think it would be best if we just divorced since she isn't willing to tell me the truth or even convince me of her truth.

Her reaction was what I was hoping for to some extent. Instead of agreeing with me and the usual defensiveness and deflection, she seemed to be more trying to understand why I felt this way. She still denied there was anything else to tell but was more open to continuing the process of removing my doubts.

After a long silence she said maybe we should just get divorced (probably testing me). And I responded with "that's what I think." and walked out of the room and went off to do some online gaming with my friend. She came in and gave me a hug and kiss a few times later that night.

Over the weekend she continued with the "perfect wife" routine. I'm thinking she is afraid that she pushed to hard and realized I have no reason to be married to someone who is not trying to reconcile and not willing to show love to her man. I think she's trying to be extra loving to me in hopes that I will sweep my doubts under the rug.

Today I am planning on giving her a copy of Josephs letter as a reminder that even though I appreciate her efforts over the weekend, the issue of me not trusting her is still there and so is the very real threat of divorce.

This week I'm going to see if I can get a free consult with a lawyer.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

BHK2000,

You are well on your way to getting the truth and recovery or divorce. No one should have a secret with your WW that you are not privy to.

I suspect that with my WW her keeping silent about OM-1, for 20+ years, was because of her desire to protect him and possibly a promise they made to each other. 

After a while with my WW the things she said before she denied which is really really troubling.

One method is to have your WW write out a timeline for her affair, and then take her to the polygraph, there is a good chance she will confess to a little more in the parking lot.

Tamat


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## drifter777 (Nov 25, 2013)

This is a quote from your original post:


bhk2000 said:


> For the next few months she did everything *she could to make me happy except try and earn my trust back.* I kept finding these little bits and pieces that conflicted with her story and when I would bring them up the subject would turn to her feeling *like all her efforts to be a better wife were a waste because I was still digging*. She has continuously maintained that there is nothing left to tell.


So it seems as though her behavior once she realizes your really piszed is pretty consistent. It's pure gas-lighting and manipulation.

You never mention kids so I'm assuming you guys don't have any yet. If this is the case then I simply have to ask you what the hell you are doing trying to save this thing? She cheated. You will never see her the same way you did before she cheated. You will never trust her again. You will remember this and every time you do you will wonder two things: "why did she do this?" & "why did I stay married to her?". There is no answer to the first question that will ever make you say "Oh - now I get it! It's all better now" but you will ask it a million times anyway. The second one will lead you to divorcing her or self-loathing. Your choice.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

bhk2000 said:


> Her reaction was what I was hoping for to some extent. Instead of agreeing with me and the usual defensiveness and deflection, she seemed to be more trying to understand why I felt this way. She still denied there was anything else to tell but was more open to continuing the process of removing my doubts.


Of course she's open to continuing to remove your doubts, that's nothing new.

She's just doing it "her" way.



bhk2000 said:


> Today I am planning on giving her a copy of Josephs letter as a reminder that even though I appreciate her efforts over the weekend, the issue of me not trusting her is still there and so is the very real threat of divorce.


Please stop using divorce as some sort of coercive threat to force her to come clean.

It's just really lame and it won't work.


bhk2000 said:


> Today I am planning on giving her a copy of Josephs letter as a reminder that even though I appreciate her efforts over the weekend, the issue of me not trusting her is still there and so is the very real threat of divorce.


Please stop using divorce as some sort of coercive threat to force her to come clean.

It's just really lame and it won't work. People don't think that way, if they did no one would be in jail because they'd be afraid to commit crimes for fear of the punishment.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

caruso said:


> Please stop using divorce as some sort of coercive threat to force her to come clean.
> 
> It's just really lame and it won't work. People don't think that way, if they did no one would be in jail because they'd be afraid to commit crimes for fear of the punishment.


Agreed. 

D can't be used as a threat. File for D now, because the process can take so long, it can be stopped at any time should she become completely transparent.

Some people are against polygraphs, but it can be a very valuable tool. He should file for D, AND schedule a polygraph and actually make the appointment for her to go. He may even get the parking lot confession. Either way, he'll have a little piece of mind about whether it went physical or not.


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## bhk2000 (Jun 24, 2016)

I know it’s been a while but I just thought I’d update everyone (really more for my sake). So we separated and moved out of state this past December. I told my family about the separation and possible divorce beforehand and they were supportive.

Now fast forward we’re living in separate apartments. I see my kids every other weekend. For the most part I’m happier and enjoying single life. We can’t start the divorce process until we’re residents in this state for six months.

About a month ago my soon to be ex-wife told me she wanted to work things out and fix things. She wrote me this long letter about how she didn’t own up to what she did and she didn’t handle the situation the way she should have. Still no new confessions of anything else she’s been holding back. She did say she was willing to do whatever it takes for me to trust her again like only using a flip phone and giving me all her passwords.

I told her I was not in a place to think about working things out. The thing is whenever I think about the possibility of getting back together it always comes back to the fact that I’m never going to believe I’d been given the whole story. Even now I’m still bothered by not knowing and that also bothers me because I thought I wouldn’t care about it anymore once we were separated.

Now fast forward some more and she’s telling me she’s been pregnant since November and just found out. Her IUD had been causing false periods which is why she didn’t know. We did have a lot of sex during that time so it’s probably mine but I told her I was going to do a paternity test when the baby is born and she was fine with it.

Anyway, that’s where I’m at. Just a lot of mixed feelings and confusion. I’d appreciate some advice and reassuring words from those who have gone through similar situations. Thanks!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

bhk2000 said:


> I know it’s been a while but I just thought I’d update everyone (really more for my sake). So we separated and moved out of state this past December. I told my family about the separation and possible divorce beforehand and they were supportive.
> 
> Now fast forward we’re living in separate apartments. I see my kids every other weekend. For the most part I’m happier and enjoying single life. We can’t start the divorce process until we’re residents in this state for six months.
> 
> ...


You can do a paternity test once your wife is about three months pregnant.The blood is taken from your wife not the foetus so there is no danger to the baby.I don't know where you live but I paid twelve hundred dollars last November for one.You get the result in less than two weeks and if you want to pay more they can tell the sex of the baby.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

bhk2000 said:


> I know it’s been a while but I just thought I’d update everyone (really more for my sake). So we separated and moved out of state this past December. I told my family about the separation and possible divorce beforehand and they were supportive.
> 
> Now fast forward we’re living in separate apartments. I see my kids every other weekend. For the most part I’m happier and enjoying single life. We can’t start the divorce process until we’re residents in this state for six months.
> 
> ...


Did she tell you she was pregnant or did she take the test in front of you? I would believe it when I see it. I bet if you ask her to take the test in front of you, she will tell you, oh know that was a false alarm. These types of shady people are not above this kind of lying. It's a way of life for many of them.

As far as getting over it. You will always think it is a crappy thing someone did to you, but the someone won't mean much. You will once you meet someone else. Once you give your love to another person the thing that stirs up all of the hurt, your love for your ex wife will not be there and the action will lose all it's power. This is why moving on gives you the ability to really get over it. You really only have a chance if you let the love die. Not saying it still won't piss you off and make you sad but you will most definitely be OVER it. You will be thinking about the new person. It just takes time.


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## bhk2000 (Jun 24, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> You can do a paternity test once your wife is about three months pregnant.The blood is taken from your wife not the foetus so there is no danger to the baby.I don't know where you live but I paid twelve hundred dollars last November for one.You get the result in less than two weeks and if you want to pay more they can tell the sex of the baby.


I'm content waiting till July when the baby is born. It's quite a but cheaper that it's more worth it to me to be patient. lol


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## bhk2000 (Jun 24, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Did she tell you she was pregnant or did she take the test in front of you? I would believe it when I see it. I bet if you ask her to take the test in front of you, she will tell you, oh know that was a false alarm. These types of shady people are not above this kind of lying. It's a way of life for many of them.
> 
> As far as getting over it. You will always think it is a crappy thing someone did to you, but the someone won't mean much. You will once you meet someone else. Once you give your love to another person the thing that stirs up all of the hurt, your love for your ex wife will not be there and the action will lose all it's power. This is why moving on gives you the ability to really get over it. You really only have a chance if you let the love die. Not saying it still won't piss you off and make you sad but you will most definitely be OVER it. You will be thinking about the new person. It just takes time.


She told me she was pregnant a few weeks ago and it's for sure showing and I've seen the ultrasound. She is 100% pregnant.

Also that makes a lot of sense in the 2nd paragraph and puts my mind at ease. I just feel like my life is on hold now because of this baby. Who is going to want to date a guy who is separated not divorced with three kids and one more on the way. lol


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

bhk,

Given the circumstances I would encourage you to get a polygraph for your WW in the hopes that you can finally get closure and possibly recover your marriage to give your unborn child a father. Sorry you are going through this. Have WW write out every detail in a timeline and then have the polygraph operator ask if she answered those questions truthfully.

Tamat


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> bhk,
> 
> Given the circumstances I would encourage you to get a polygraph for your WW in the hopes that you can finally get closure and possibly recover your marriage to give your unborn child a father. Sorry you are going through this. Have WW write out every detail in a timeline and then have the polygraph operator ask if she answered those questions truthfully.
> 
> Tamat


Or don't, move on and just financially and emotionally support the kids but don't hitch you wagon to someone who would cheat and gaslight you for a year.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

bhk2000 said:


> She told me she was pregnant a few weeks ago and it's for sure showing and I've seen the ultrasound. She is 100% pregnant.
> 
> Also that makes a lot of sense in the 2nd paragraph and puts my mind at ease. I just feel like my life is on hold now because of this baby. Who is going to want to date a guy who is separated not divorced with three kids and one more on the way. lol


First of all...congratulations. I hope the baby is yours. A child is never a bad thing. 

Secondly, there is no reason why you and your wife cannot be good parenting partners if the two of you divorce. 

I recommend you go through with the divorce. Despite her so-called heartfelt apology letter, she is still stonewalling you. Funny how she is willing to do anything to save the marriage, except give you what you need the most: the truth. Tell her to go pound sand.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Is she will to take a polygraph....I know it's not 100% foolproof but it can say more about trust...


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## bhk2000 (Jun 24, 2016)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Is she will to take a polygraph....I know it's not 100% foolproof but it can say more about trust...


She is willing to make a timeline and do a poly. We both feel like now is not the be the best time to reconcile though because new babies are hard on marriages and our marriage is already so screwed up. Kind of need optimal conditions to fix things. She says her end goal is reconciliation so once the baby is born and the dust settles we'll see. In the meantime I'm still going to focus on my life and meeting new people. Things have been really smooth between us so far so I'm hoping whatever the outcome we'll stay on good terms for the kids.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

bhk2000 said:


> She is willing to make a timeline and do a poly. We both feel like now is not the be the best time to reconcile though because new babies are hard on marriages and our marriage is already so screwed up. Kind of need optimal conditions to fix things. She says her end goal is reconciliation so once the baby is born and the dust settles we'll see. In the meantime I'm still going to focus on my life and meeting new people. Things have been really smooth between us so far so I'm hoping whatever the outcome we'll stay on good terms for the kids.


So, you are going to delay reconciliation while you wait to reconcile?

:nerd:

What am I missing?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I haven't read the entire thread so I don't know where you live now.

In some States it does not matter who the father is if you are married when the baby is born. It is assumed to be yours and you are on the hook financially even if a DNA test after the birth proves that you are not the father.

Don't know if that makes any difference to you or not.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You should do the poly asap. If she has been telling the truth what you are doing is wrong unfair. If she is telling the truth you are not holding up the responsibilities of a father. You are keeping you both in limbo. Further, if you were concerned about her faithfulness you should not have gotten her pregnant. I think you have already taken your pound of flesh. I am not sure why she would still want you around.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Chaparral said:


> You should do the poly asap. If she has been telling the truth what you are doing is wrong unfair. If she is telling the truth you are not holding up the responsibilities of a father. You are keeping you both in limbo. Further, if you were concerned about her faithfulness you should not have gotten her pregnant. I think you have already taken your pound of flesh. I am not sure why she would still want you around.


He is under no obligation to stay married to this women. The contract is broken no matter if she is pregnant or not. That has nothing to do with his responsibility of being a father. He has an absolutely right not to stay married to a cheater. Also if the kid is genetically his he has a right by law to be in it's life with or without the mother, so he will BE around. Your opinion about the pound of flesh has no bearing.

Also where do you get off getting on him and not her (the cheater) for getting pregnant while she was cheating on him and they were trying to recover. Plus what happened to her body her choice. Most married women I know want to be in charge of there own birth control. None of this is his fault, if she hadn't cheated they wouldn't be in this situation. Talk about blaming the victim.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Has anyone contacted the OM and his W (if married) to inform him of his potential paternity?


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## curious234 (Jan 28, 2017)

for the sake of pregnancy hope she is doing OK mentally


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## bhk2000 (Jun 24, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> Has anyone contacted the OM and his W (if married) to inform him of his potential paternity?


My wife obviously claims she hadn't been with him for a long time (and if you've read my post claims they only kissed). Anyway assuming she's not telling the truth then I also assume she's contacted him. Though It's unlikely the baby is his because the OM lived out of state across the country and she came to him to have the affair summer of 2014 and 2015. The only way it could be his is if he flew out to were we lived without me knowing. Without going into detail that seems unlikely but I'm not ruling it out.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Lots of cheaters agree to take polygraphs in the hope that the spouse will say "Well, gosh, if you are agreeing to take one that must surely mean you are telling the truth!" And then they never follow through. 

I think she's a lying sack....


Call her bluff. Schedule a poly and ask her to go. See what she does.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

bhk2000 said:


> Now fast forward some more and she’s telling me she’s been pregnant since November and just found out. Her IUD had been causing false periods which is why she didn’t know. We did have a lot of sex during that time so it’s probably mine but I told her I was going to do a paternity test when the baby is born and she was fine with it.


Is it possible she had the IUD removed in order to get pregnant as a last-ditch effort to keep you hooked?
In other words, is it just possible that the pregnancy was intentional?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

If you're waiting for the baby to be born, make sure your name does not end up on that birth certificate before you get your paternity results. 

You should really go for that blood test that was recommended to you.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

If her boyfriend is married then you still need to let his wife know of the impending paternity test. She has as much right to know as you.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

eric1 said:


> If her boyfriend is married then you still need to let his wife know of the impending paternity test. She has as much right to know as you.


I personally would want to contact OMW and OM to hear their reactions. If anything it will cause a huge fight between them and that is worth the call. And she can be an ally to keep him from contacting your W in the future.


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