# Is this really what I want?



## The Destroyer (Aug 3, 2010)

I've spent the past 24 hours, reading and re-reading post upon post here. I'm trying to understand both sides of everything. I'm trying to make sense of what is going through my head. Here's my story, I apologize if it seems random but this is my brain right now and that's most of my problem:

I've been with DH for 20 years, married for almost 18. We have 2 kids (10,13) and I have just dropped a nuclear bomb on our lives. I wish I could say there was a reason but honestly there isn't. I'm pretty certain I'm not a "walk away wife" but then again I don't know. God, I hope not because that means this is truly a 38 yr-old-tantrum. I just know I can't keep living like this.

My DH was my first and only relationship. I came from a pretty f'ed up home and I was the fat girl in school. Needless to say, my self esteem is non-existent. I blame myself for everything and I'm always putting everyone else first. I am on anti-depressants (I saw a shrink until about a yr ago because she said I finally had the skills to cope. She said I was strong enough to go out on my own) although recently I'm starting to wonder if they are just to numb me down because I'm unhappy. I've always tried to be upfront with everyone in my world about my issues. I feel that it's better to let them know from the get go that I am mental. I don't hide it, I've always been this is me...the good, bad and ugly. And my DH wanted me.

I can't say exactly what went wrong or when. What I know is that I've been trying to convince myself that I love my husband. From the beginning, I've always wondered if I really loved him. I was afraid noone would ever love me and he did. He was cute and he cared for me, not to mention he was a way out of my parents house. I pushed down my concerns, I pushed down the insults and arguments and I married him.

We have definitely had our share of arguments and I fight back hard (not truly physical but some pushing early in the marriage). I've always said that I've lived through hell with my parents and I refuse to let him treat me bad without a fight. I've always said if you are going to start something in front of my kids then I'm going to handle it right then and there...my kids will not see you treat me badly and me just take it. But I also know that I did allow it. For as much as I fought back, I also stayed when I should have ran. I remember many nights curling up on the floor, rocking myself, and trying to forget the things that happened. When I would sit and talk with my girls about my life, the things that came from me were never positive and I would always say "don't get me wrong I love my husband." But now I know I was just trying to convince myself. How could I never have anything good to say about him...EVER.

I've always walked on eggshells around him. He would come home from work and the slightest thing would set him off. I never knew what, when or why; I just always knew it was inevitable. But I never left, I never felt like I had anywhere to run to. I was alone and all I ever had was him, so I just pushed my hurt further down. I didn't want to be a failure, I didn't want to have to hear "I told you so" when my marriage failed. Now I just don't care anymore, I can't squash these feelings down anymore...but worse I can't remember anytime that was good. I mean really good, not just a time we laughed coming from the movies or a trip to the zoo. But any length of time when I was truly happy. Why can't I remember? Where are they...they have to be there? I couldn't have stayed with him for 20 yrs and there not been any happy times. Is that actually possible?

When it comes to our kids, it's still hit or miss with him. Up until about 3 yrs ago I would say he was a see-saw and you never knew when he would flip, but he could go from happy to Hitler in a sec. I spent (and still spend) most of my time protecting my kids. I feel like mama bear pacing around my children so he doesn't hurt them. It's never physical, I made that perfectly clear from the get go, my kids will never be hit but he is a screamer. The punishments barely ever fit the crime and he doesn't stop. They can be curled in fetal position on the floor crying and he doesn't stop. I have personally had to drag him off of them and I have threatened him if he came near them. These haven't happened so much recently but he still loses it and I have to intervene. I don't think my kids trust him or respect him and I've always tried to keep him in a good light but I don't think it worked. He honestly plays with my kids now that they are older and they do have some really good times because he relates to them (he's a big kid) but he will flip on them quick--if he's play wrestling with them, all of a sudden he'll start yelling at them because they hit him, but it's a game he started. He actually plays more than I do but they come to me for what matters, they even ask me permission to play things with HIM.

I realized in May that when I look back on my life, most of my happy times are when he's not there. I realized that I'm only relaxed when he's not home and as soon as he walks in I tense up. I realized that I was hoping that he would get sent away for work for long periods just so I could have peace. I was always saying "find a friend" so I didn't have to do things with him. I've always found something to bury myself in so I didn't have to spend time with him. I was one of few wives that was excited that my DH played computer games all night so I didn't have to deal with him.

I told my DH that I was confused and I couldn't shake the negative thoughts in my head. I told him that I didn't want divorce and I hadn't called a lawyer (which I hadn't) but I knew my brain was f'ed up. I told him we needed counseling. He see's one already, and I used to (yes I started again) but I figured WE needed one too. I knew that the thoughts I was having were destructive but I couldn't stop them. I didn't pull the ILYBNIL line but I did tell him I wouldn't say "I love you" until I was sure what my heart felt. I told him that was putting false hope in his head and I wouldn't do that. This was in May.

We did agree to see a counselor but life has gotten in the way and we have only seen the joint therapist 3 times, he saw his therapist twice and I've seen mine once. We had vacation planned and that's the only reason we missed them.

Of course, on this vacation, my brain never stopped and the happy thoughts never came. They've gotten worse because I have destroyed his life (thus my username) and he is broken. I keep telling him to back off and let me think but I realize that I'm just trying to go on with life and that I'm trying to squash my emotions back down again...this time it's just not working. He wants to talk nightly and the more he talks the worse my thoughts get. It's not the fact that he's talking to me, its just it's hard to deny the thoughts when you have to keep reliving them over and over.

So here I sit, trying to figure out if it's over. Is there something to save? Was there ever anything there? Is the grass greener on the other side? Am I broken beyond repair? Do I really have sexual hangups or is it just sex with him? I'm so worried about hurting him more I don't think I'm seeing the truth of my feelings. I am just so f-ing confused.

If you've read this far and your not thoroughly confused it says volumes about you. I do appreciate anything you can offer--advise, compassion, a slap to the head. Anything that can stop me from spinning.

~The Destroyer


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Dear - is that you???

Just kidding...but yes, I get it. Except I don't blow up - and she's not quite this dramatic.

I can relate - at this point - to looking back and wondering what I've been getting from this.

No answers - but wanted to let you know it doesn't sound quite as crazy as you might think.


----------



## The Destroyer (Aug 3, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Dear - is that you???
> 
> Just kidding...but yes, I get it. Except I don't blow up - and she's not quite this dramatic.
> 
> ...


Don't know whether to laugh or cry at being called Dramatic. I will say I wish it was drama but alas it is my life. 

Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone and crazy too.

~The Destroyer


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Drama - to me - isn't necessarily fake. Maybe you misunderstood.

Sounds like you've got a lot going on - but on top of that, now you are re-evaluating EVERYTHING and blowing it all to shreads. Maybe that's not so bad if it wasn't so great to start with.


----------



## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Is he verbally abusive to you or just a rageaholic? It kinda seems that you are his caretaker and your tank is empty, like you have nothing more to give. 

How about a trial seperation to sort out how you really feel and how life would really be without him in it.


----------



## The Destroyer (Aug 3, 2010)

Brewster 59 said:


> Is he verbally abusive to you or just a rageaholic? It kinda seems that you are his caretaker and your tank is empty, like you have nothing more to give.
> 
> How about a trial seperation to sort out how you really feel and how life would really be without him in it.


DING DING DING...I couldn't have said it better. Of course, there are still many other issues, but this truly puts my feelings into words.

I think he is more of a rage-aholic. When he would start to verbally attack me, I would/do start to fight back. I told him early in our relationship that I wouldn't take that from anyone ever again. I had enough as a kid.

I don't know if a trial separation will work because of the logistics of it. I would have to make a major move, not just across town, but across the world. I'm not even sure he is willing to. Honestly, I think I have to because of our physical location. I think we'll have to separate first and in time the divorce will happen. The question is while we are separated if I'm going to wanna work towards reconciling or if it is the next step to freedom.


----------



## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Well here are my thoughts, a separation, would require his buy in and would only be done if you felt reconcillation is possible. If a reconcillation is not possible you should start working on a exit plan. An exit plan is getting your 50% of all liquid assets, finacial records, tax records, possibly setting up your own bank accounts and maybe looking at lawyers. 

If you feel he is an asset for the children look hard and deep into your soul and maybe give reconcillation a shot, if, for you it is totally over, start working on an exit plan. I honestly think that dragging this out is more painful if the marriage cant be saved.


----------



## The Destroyer (Aug 3, 2010)

@Brewster

I think I'm gonna start working on the exit plan. 

I still have my moments of uncertainty but it's fear. This is a really big step. 

Thanks for your words, they help.

~The Destroyer


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What happens in your joint sessions? Do you talk about the negativity and raging?


----------



## The Destroyer (Aug 3, 2010)

turnera said:


> What happens in your joint sessions? Do you talk about the negativity and raging?


Most of the time all he ever says, is I'll do whatever it takes to make her happy but I don't think he is even really listening. He says the right things in the session and then comes home and does the exact opposite.

However, last night I think he got it. He realized the true depth of my emotions or lack of. He accepted that over the past 20 years of us being together I have done things just to keep the monster quiet. That my actions were really done because they were the lesser of 2 evils--I could suffer through whatever or not do it and hell would break out. So he actually said out loud that I never loved him and that I didn't feel love from him as much as I felt like he needed me to keep functioning. 

I don't know what this means for us now. I almost feel like I'm leading him on because he thinks now he can win my heart and I don't know that he can. Of course, I did make it perfectly clear that the only emotions I was worried about belong to my kids. I didn't really care how hard this was on him or me. I just want to do whats right by them.

Right now he's been gone for a few days and my head is slowly getting clearer. But it's always easy to live when he's not around. If I can feel this good when he's around there may be hope for us. He comes home this weekend. Crossing my fingers

~The Destroyer


----------



## JMak00 (Jul 24, 2010)

I am your husband...in a figurative sense. My wife is done walking on eggshells around me just waiting for the next thing to set me off. I was a ticking timebomb all the time. It took 7 years of marriage for me to finally figure out I couldn't handle it on my own and started to see a counselor. The changes for me were immediate and dramatic and my wife and kids saw the immediate changes. Wife was glad I was home, kids were excited that I was home. 

Unfortunately, other things popped up...but, my point is that I went to counseling for the specific reason to address my anger, my inability to manage tension and stress. And it is working. 

My wife is ready to separate...too much water under the bridge, she's changed too much, not in love with me. 

No matter what happens with you and him you need to be clear and honest. It may shock him, hurt him, motivate him, but be clear. In the end, he wants to be a better person, remind him of that. A better person, better father, and better husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You also need to set up boundaries. Such as you raise your voice, we leave the house.


----------



## The Destroyer (Aug 3, 2010)

Hi guys,

It's been awhile since I checked in. When I first joined the site DH was on a business trip. Since then he has been back and was a little upset that I signed up for site. Yes, I told him. It may not make sense but after the first time he hacked my computer I promised that I would tell him everything...no matter how hurtful. I would be honest because he said he could handle it. So I told him. And of course, he didn't like it and said it was damaging to our marriage. So I stepped back. 

We continue our counseling-both alone and together. I have been horrible honest. I say horrible because he is completely destroyed (hence my name) but I promised and I keep my promises. 

I've admitted that one of the biggest problems in our marriage is my fear. Fear not only of his outburst and unpredictability. But also from falling victim to the old me--the me that did things just because it made everyone else happy. He says that we will never succeed if I don't open my heart to him and let go of the past. I just don't know what to do. I recently read something (and emailed it to him) that really explained why I have only bad memories of my life...

"Human beings in general are wired to remember negative times more vividly then positive times. 
It's a survival mechanism, we need to remember negative times and responses otherwise if we didn't have this ability to recognize negative events, our species as a whole would have probably died out a long time ago. She is wired (as are you) to remember bad times. We're all built a little differently with regards to how sensitive we are and how we respond to them. You remember that fire is hot, burning yourself hurts, getting cut and bleeding are bad, falling down and breaking a bone is bad, getting into a car accident is bad, walking on the sidewalks is safe, walking on the road during busy traffic is not so safe, people who hurt us are bad, stay away from them, people who don't make us feel secure will not take care of us, etc. Seriously there are like a 1000 more examples to ramble on about but I think you get the point.

We remember negative experiences because it's how we survive, we remember them so we know to avoid those problems." 

He didn't respond. 

So the most recent development is he finally got me to say I'm Done. I've been telling him that I'm more gone than here and that I was staying and working on this mostly for the kids, but that I was trying. He pushed and pushed until I finally said. It didn't help that his counselor told him it was over and it was time to just accept it (she's met me twice, only once since I said this to him). So now we really do just coexist. He has even gone so far as to give advise on where I should move to.

At first it hurt and I sat here wondering if I had made a mistake. The first night afterwards was almost hopeful. Because he had no further expectations of me, I actually had pleasant thoughts about him after he had gone to bed. But as soon as I told him this the next morning, I regretted it. He got mad and aggressive. I just don't know.

I really don't want to screw up my kids but whenever I truly try to find something that I like about him it's tough. I'm not delusional in thinking life is going to be easy as a single mom but I can't help but wonder if the worries I will have them will be easier to deal with.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Honestly, you and the kids will live a happier life without that stress in your life. I just hope you don't jump to another guy just to have someone. The best gift my mom gave me after Dad left when I was 12 was that she never remarried. God only knows how messed up I'd be if I had to deal with my dad AND a stepdad.


----------



## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

The Destroyer said:


> Hi guys,
> 
> It's been awhile since I checked in. When I first joined the site DH was on a business trip. Since then he has been back and was a little upset that I signed up for site. Yes, I told him. It may not make sense but after the first time he hacked my computer I promised that I would tell him everything...no matter how hurtful. I would be honest because he said he could handle it. So I told him. And of course, he didn't like it and said it was damaging to our marriage. So I stepped back.
> 
> ...


....*At first it hurt and I sat here wondering if I had made a mistake. *.....

The Destroyer , if I am not wrong , reading from your previous posts I think it was your decison as you said you were not sure if you love him & told him you were done . So I believe he didn't have any option other than accepting it . I believe it must be your H who is hurt & not you IMHO . 

Any way best of luck


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

The Destroyer said:


> I recently read something (and emailed it to him) that really explained why I have only bad memories of my life...
> 
> "Human beings in general are wired to remember negative times more vividly then positive times.
> It's a survival mechanism, we need to remember negative times and responses otherwise if we didn't have this ability to recognize negative events, our species as a whole would have probably died out a long time ago. She is wired (as are you) to remember bad times. We're all built a little differently with regards to how sensitive we are and how we respond to them. You remember that fire is hot, burning yourself hurts, getting cut and bleeding are bad, falling down and breaking a bone is bad, getting into a car accident is bad, walking on the sidewalks is safe, walking on the road during busy traffic is not so safe, people who hurt us are bad, stay away from them, people who don't make us feel secure will not take care of us, etc. Seriously there are like a 1000 more examples to ramble on about but I think you get the point.
> ...


Can’t say I go along with that. Sure if a persons depressed everything in the past, present and future looks bad. All we see is the negative in our lives. Been there done that. But then there’s even good that comes out of depression, new life lessons. A friend once told me she considers depression a welcomed guest at her table as it’s there to tell us something in our life is seriously wrong and needs fixing.

Never made the same mistake twice? I have more than twice sometimes.

Surely it just depends on our overall outlook on life. I’m just a naturally optimistic person and have built a vision of my new life without my wife who I was with for a very long time. But even then I had tears just come in my eyes yesterday in a supermarket of all places. But I had the thought in my head that this too will pass and it did.

I don’t discount the negative times, not at all. That’s when we learn most of our life’s lessons. But to let them over shadow the happy and joyful times? Not me. My wife did though. It’s almost like we were living two separate lives in “other worlds” the contrast is so great.

I’m not at all surprised your husband didn’t respond. What was he supposed to say “yes dear I agree with you?” Perhaps that just isn’t his view of the world, of life and your marriage.

Bob


----------



## The Destroyer (Aug 3, 2010)

@ Bestplayer

I do understand that I brought this all on, that doesn't mean it's easy and it doesn't hurt. It does and it will, I don't blame anyone but myself. I was just shocked because I had asked for it so I really figured I would have felt more relieved than I was. 

@ AFEH

I agree that you shouldn't dwell on the negatives but you can't ignore them either and that is what he wants me to do. He wants me to act as if those things never happened. I acknowledge the good times because they did happen. He just downplays the bad times like they weren't all that bad and I'm exaggerating. I guess I just need him to show a little empathy or at least try to see where I'm coming from.

I absolutely understand depression. Dealing with mine has helped me get the strength to be here today. Between the consistent counseling/therapy and my meds, I've grown and finally feel like good things in life are possible. My journey with my depression contributes to one of my major fears in all this--can I continue to value myself enough that I don't go backwards. 

I am damaged and I get that but I still deserve to be happy.


----------



## The Destroyer (Aug 3, 2010)

turnera said:


> Honestly, you and the kids will live a happier life without that stress in your life. I just hope you don't jump to another guy just to have someone. The best gift my mom gave me after Dad left when I was 12 was that she never remarried. God only knows how messed up I'd be if I had to deal with my dad AND a stepdad.


You are not the first person (and surely not the last) to say that leaving may be for the best. I have no desire to start something with another guy. I'm ok with it just being me, my kids and a dog. Ok so my laptop too, but that's all I need.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Words are very powerful things. The pen IS mightier than the sword and all that.

“The Destroyer” vs. the “The Creator” for example. Think on yourself as The Creator and see how you feel for a while. Then see what it is you can create.

Bob


----------



## healingme (Aug 21, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Words are very powerful things. The pen IS mightier than the sword and all that.
> 
> “The Destroyer” vs. the “The Creator” for example. Think on yourself as The Creator and see how you feel for a while. Then see what it is you can create.
> 
> Bob


Just caught up with this thread and find it really eye-opening. AFEH said something extremely wise and meaningful and full of truth. Sometimes what we call ourselves is a real window to our own truth, eg I'm 'Healingme'. It's time now for you to start feeling good and positive about yourself, put 'The Destroyer' behind you and allow yourself to evolve. There's a lot of guilt in 'The Destroyer', which is IMO a way of remaining a victim. Please don't take that badly. I mean it from someone who has always taken the blame, sometimes self-inflicted. I always assume whatever it is that someone is angry about has something to do with me. That way, it is easier for all involved, get it over and done with, find someone to blame and move on. 
You have been with DH for such a long time and particularly during a very important time in your own development. Maybe it has run its course and it is time to move on. I don't have my own kids, but I understand very well that staying together for the children can do more harm than good. 
Like I've said to my husband - we have a choice as to how this separation is going to go. We can choose to be stormy (separated but still trapped together under the same roof) or we can choose to treat each other with respect and care and make this transition easier on each other and ourselves. What I mean is, we're all grown ups here, not tantruming two-year-olds. We should have control over how we treat one another. 
Sorry, I think I'm on a tangent now (going through own stuff, you know how it is). What I mean to say is, you have to look after you, and if that includes staying and working through your problems with him, then do that. Or if it's the latter, do that. You're working towards the best, most comfortable version of yourself by your own judgement.


----------



## The Destroyer (Aug 3, 2010)

@AFEH
You right. I do need to rethink my thoughts of myself. I can see that I'm not being selfish but I guess my thing is I didn't want anyone to believe I wasn't owning up to what I have done. But I do get it...can't change my name, but I do get it.

@HealingME
In moments of clarity I do see that I'm remaining the victim with the things that I say. I think I'm still reacting in fear with alot of the things I say and do. When I look back over conversations I cringe because I realize that I said something in the heat of the moment. I haven't changed the way I'm feeling but I keep telling the H that I'm working on it. 

I think my problem is that since I'm still in this house and I can't leave for at least several months, I'm trying to keep the peace. He's nicer if he thinks I'm still trying. I realize that as I right this it's wrong and I'm leading him on. But just last night I did it again. I have to stop the cycle. 

I can't expect him to act a specific way. I need to stay honest and if my honestly leads to me leaving earlier than I want then I have to accept that. I'm so worried about remaining here so my kids can be uprooted 'easier' (end of school year) that I'm not looking at the rest of the story. This is not going to be easy and I need to accept that.

Everyday, every post helps to bring a little more clarity to my mind. Thanks


----------



## healingme (Aug 21, 2010)

Maybe a parent can advise you, but I'm a strong believer that a happy mum is a good mum, and a good mum makes for happy kids. Now, I'm not expecting you to be 'happy' about any of this. It's a huge thing to do. But 'comfortable', more 'relaxed' is a good start. You're full of tension and kids are a sponge for that sort of state of being. 

Just observations, that's all.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

When you wrote that he tried to get you to "let go" of the therapist, I was concerned. Finishing your initial post and having no real background knowledge, I think you have done the right thing. He has some serious anger issues and seems unwilling to recognize them, which makes it impossible to change them. 

You tried and you were honest, and it appears he has used that against you, making you wonder why you "only" remember the negative things. Uh, maybe b/c those are your most powerful emotional memories, and maybe b/c those are predominant in your life? He tried to derail you rather than address the fact that his behavior is part of the problem.

He may never change, so leaving now is a valid choice. Take things slowly and continue counseling. Ask him to let you know if/when he is willing to accept responsibility for the fact that you HAVE negative memories. Do you have negative memories of your kids, even though things get tough with kids? Maybe a few, but the loving ones predominate. 

He's got you questioning yourself. Time to leave and work on you. 

God bless and good luck!


----------



## The Destroyer (Aug 3, 2010)

Well he pushed too hard today. Today I told him I was done and ready to go. Because of logistics I can't just walk out, it will take a few months. I've told him that if he could handle being roommates that it would be best for our kids if we could finish the school year. I'm going to continue to work on me and I suggested he keep working on himself. So now, I just have to keep planning and wait and see.

The Destroyer


----------



## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

The Destroyer said:


> Well he pushed too hard today. Today I told him I was done and ready to go. Because of logistics I can't just walk out, it will take a few months. I've told him that if he could handle being roommates that it would be best for our kids if we could finish the school year. I'm going to continue to work on me and I suggested he keep working on himself. So now, I just have to keep planning and wait and see.
> 
> The Destroyer


..Well he pushed too hard today. Today I told him I was done and ready to go.....

so are you saying that your H made you decide to divorce him ?


----------

