# Do you share what you write on TAM with your partners?



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Unlike emails and texts with third parties, sharing what you wrote on TAM isn't any sort of ethical or legal violation. 

With all this talk about transparency, how many of you who expect transparency are sharing everything you write on TAM with your partners who aren't on TAM, in the name of transparency? I mean, they'd learn a lot more from here than from one of your texts, I imagine. 

If yes, how is that going?

If no, why not?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

My wife doesn’t want anything to do with TAM. I offer to let her see and read different post. She refuses.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

My wife and I used to look at it together all the time. But she reads less and less. I myself think there are some good people here along with good advice mixed in. She says it's mostly a toxic environment and more than half of the advice given will lead to divorce if followed. But my two favorite sayings from her are....

If you ever suspect me of cheating and ask me for a polygraph. You will find your face implanted into a frying pan as that is a sure fire way of screwing up a relationships trust no matter if infidelity is involved or not 🤣

And

I am convinced that if you swapped from coke to Pepsi, people will suggest that you get a lawyer, change the locks, and install a var as that is a sure sign they are cheating 🤣


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Unlike emails and texts with third parties, sharing what you wrote on TAM isn't any sort of ethical or legal violation.
> 
> With all this talk about transparency, how many of you who expect transparency are sharing everything you write on TAM with your partners who aren't on TAM, in the name of transparency? I mean, they'd learn a lot more from here than from one of your texts, I imagine.
> 
> ...


Yep you know I do share everything I write on TAM with my beloved hubby, cuz it's @Emerging Buddhist ! I do expect transparency in our relationship, and I hold my own self to that exact same standard. If I feel something, I bring it to him first before talking it out with "internet strangers" (although after being here more than a decade some of you'all are more like internet family). 

How is that going? Well, I think it keeps our relationship strong. He is included in every area of my life. He doesn't need to worry about secrets or stuff being hidden. And frankly, it keeps me honest with my own self. If I really and truly think or feel something "about us" I believe I should have the courage to tell the other person in "us" about my thought or feeling! Practice what I preach


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I do, but my wife doesn't care one bit about it.


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

my gal knows i read here and has looked over my shoulder a few times. there is nothing i have posted that I'm not proud of. We share the same computer so she could look if she cared.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Unlike emails and texts with third parties, sharing what you wrote on TAM isn't any sort of ethical or legal violation.
> 
> With all this talk about transparency, how many of you who expect transparency are sharing everything you write on TAM with your partners who aren't on TAM, in the name of transparency? I mean, they'd learn a lot more from here than from one of your texts, I imagine.
> 
> ...


That's actually a really good question. I do not, and not only that, I feel almost embarrassed about the thought of her reading it.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

My husband is not interested. I ask his opinion about certain topics, he just rolls his eyes. He says some people don't have common sense.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Affaircare said:


> Yep you know I do share everything I write on TAM with my beloved hubby, cuz it's @Emerging Buddhist ! I do expect transparency in our relationship, and I hold my own self to that exact same standard. If I feel something, I bring it to him first before talking it out with "internet strangers" (although after being here more than a decade some of you'all are more like internet family).
> 
> How is that going? Well, I think it keeps our relationship strong. He is included in every area of my life. He doesn't need to worry about secrets or stuff being hidden. And frankly, it keeps me honest with my own self. If I really and truly think or feel something "about us" I believe I should have the courage to tell the other person in "us" about my thought or feeling! Practice what I preach


When I first came to Tam, I noticed that you guys seem like you were happy and had fun together.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I share and have invited Mrs. Conan to join or at least read with me but she has no interest.

I do discuss subjects from TAM for her input when she's in a mood to talk about TAM stuff though.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

My wife knows about TAM, and she has seen my original threads. She has also seen PM's from a few different people when I thought it would benefit her.

Sometimes she will look at my phone with me if we are laying in bed but for the most part she doesn't give a crap about what I'm looking at. Sometimes I tell her about something or we talk about something that I read, or I ask her if I think she'd have a better answer or to verify something. If she wants to read through every post I've ever made and every PM I've ever sent, she could. I don't log out and I have push notifications enabled for some things so she could see those any time she has my phone. 

A long time ago @Affaircare and I had a few PM's, and she added EB to the conversation so that he could freely see them if he wanted to. No idea if he did or not but if he wanted to, he could have. I didn't see that as a bad thing AT ALL. Quite the opposite, really. 

If my wife asked to see what I was typing to someone or a PM, I'd show her. I might not be thrilled about it and sometimes I should be more careful about what I say or how I say it, but that's on me. I don't think there is anything here that she hasn't heard come from my mouth at one point or another.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Unlike emails and texts with third parties, sharing what you wrote on TAM isn't any sort of ethical or legal violation.
> 
> With all this talk about transparency, how many of you who expect transparency are sharing everything you write on TAM with your partners who aren't on TAM, in the name of transparency? I mean, they'd learn a lot more from here than from one of your texts, I imagine.
> 
> ...


My husband is on here as well, so he can see anything he wants. Either of the wives can see if they ask. Occasionally I will share what is written, although I hardly ever use names/id's.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Unlike emails and texts with third parties, sharing what you wrote on TAM isn't any sort of ethical or legal violation.
> 
> With all this talk about transparency, how many of you who expect transparency are sharing everything you write on TAM with your partners who aren't on TAM, in the name of transparency? I mean, they'd learn a lot more from here than from one of your texts, I imagine.
> 
> ...


Yes, she's with me right now. It's going great, everyone knows where they stand and some things are discussed if different opinions arise.


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## st5555 (Dec 7, 2019)

I don't post very often, but I did share your responses to one of my posts once.
I learned you guys don't know what you are talking about and a waste of time.
Which is odd as I thought you were well informed and helpful!


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## Corgi Mum (10 mo ago)

Not at all, he has no interest. He says he doesn't "like" reading. His eyes glaze over if I try to read anything relationship-y to him.

If TAM was done all in videos that managed to also heavily feature detailed antique auto restoration he'd be all over it, however.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

The only thing I haven't shared with my wife is the article I wrote on Literotica. Well, I did give her an edited version of what I'd written about her, but not the thrust by thrust account with the others. She's heard it all before anyway.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I have shared some threads and asked what he thinks about them, but he isn't interested in being on here. He isn't in face book or any other such social media sites either. He is more than welcome to read what I write, its rarely anything personal about him or our marriage anyway.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Unlike emails and texts with third parties, sharing what you wrote on TAM isn't any sort of ethical or legal violation.
> 
> With all this talk about transparency, how many of you who expect transparency are sharing everything you write on TAM with your partners who aren't on TAM, in the name of transparency? I mean, they'd learn a lot more from here than from one of your texts, I imagine.
> 
> ...


Last one sure, mostly shared train wrecks stories, good source of laughs, when it's about us though it's too much she just shys away and wanted nothing to do with it.
Or she just ignored all the advice that isn't in favor of her perspective and supports all the advice that is, and "see? Told you so", completely ignoring the counter arguments.

I think it's like relationship counselling and why spouses shy away from it because it's not exactly pleasant to sit down and talk issues with third parties. For us posters though it's like individual counselling and we're happy to be here.

Otherwise, ignorance is bliss I guess.

However this is the reaction with someone who was very much extroverted, I learnt recently how many INTJs are on this board. I do wonder how the woman I'm seeing - an introvert will respond to what I post on this forum as inevitably I will show her. She might analyse everything to the ninth degree.


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## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

I asked him to read my first post and he didn't respond. What I do here is no secret, he has full access to my phone. If I would ever feel that I'm doing something (not just posting on here but anything) that I would feel I have to hide from him I wouldn't do it. I would never post anything I wouldn't want him to read, I'd never say something to someone I wouldn't want to get back to him, I wouldn't talk to someone if I felt I had to hide the convo. If you have to hide it you're probably overstepping a boundary. Unless you're Christmas shopping


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I often discuss subjects that come up here when she's in the mood to hear them, and I do tell her some times what I have said here, but she really has no interest. She also wonders why I have such an interest and can't figure out why I bother reading all this stuff!
She has never asked to actually read anything I've written here, but I would have no issue showing her anything.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> I often discuss subjects that come up here when she's in the mood to hear them, and I do tell her some times what I have said here, but she really has no interest. She also wonders why I have such an interest and can't figure out why I bother reading all this stuff!
> She has never asked to actually read anything I've written here, but I would have no issue showing her anything.


I imagine a lot of people would never want them to see it since some are on here venting and plotting about them. You never write anything incriminating!!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I imagine a lot of people would never want them to see it since some are on here venting and plotting about them. You never write anything incriminating!!


I honestly have nothing incriminating to write about here -- I'm pretty happy overall! (and yes, I realize how lucky we are together -- most other married folks we know are not .....)

I DO tell her about the squirrel stories though DBTR!!!!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> I honestly have nothing incriminating to write about here -- I'm pretty happy overall! (and yes, I realize how lucky we are together -- most other married folks we know are not .....)
> 
> I DO tell her about the squirrel stories though DBTR!!!!


Funny you should mention that. I just sat back down from doing maintenance and prevention on the squirrel hammock. I saw one squirrel actually grub for food while ago and got my hopes up, but it wasn't the peskiest one.

I think it's the very ones wanting transparency from partners who probably would NOT want them to get a load of this place.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Its not exactly news or secrets though, the issues I bring up on here. So don't see why there would be issues with transparency, I'm sure posters try to sort out their mess with their spouses first, and it's not like telling anonymous folk is the same as telling friends and family.

Exception being infidelities of course, that's cloak and dagger...


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

My wife reads the forum occasionally and will post once in a blue moon. She's actually on it right now laying next to me. 

I'll bring up something I've said on here once in a while but when TAM is discussed most of what we talk about it what other people say. The main thing I've learned from being here is the vast majority of people nowadays have nobody in their lives that makes the effort to be honest with them. The amount of unaware stuff that pours from people's fingers is staggering. And an interesting topic of conversation.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

gaius said:


> My wife reads the forum occasionally and will post once in a blue moon. She's actually on it right now laying next to me.
> 
> I'll bring up something I've said on here once in a while but when TAM is discussed most of what we talk about it what other people say. The main thing I've learned from being here is the vast majority of people nowadays have nobody in their lives that makes the effort to be honest with them. The amount of unaware stuff that pours from people's fingers is staggering. And an interesting topic of conversation.


Hi, Gaius's wife! 👋


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

My thread:









Wife on TAM...


My wife have noticed this forum and she have hinted that she might join. I was like this: I assured that I have been a "good boy." She had that smirking look. Any man here whose wife also joined TAM? How was your experience? Did you become a "good boy" overnight?




www.talkaboutmarriage.com





My wife learned about TAM through me but she have not joined this forum yet. She teased me probably?  She is active on Facebook and Whatsapp but does not post on forum(s). Never felt the need to. Phew.

So much for my machoness 😬. Hehe.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It's good to have some privacy so you can vent.


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

My wife has read some of my posts. She has all my account logins. She is not a discussion forum person. We have read some threads together and then talked about the topic.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

BootsAndJeans said:


> My wife has read some of my posts. She has all my account logins. She is not a discussion forum person. We have read some threads together and then talked about the topic.


That's a great way to keep communication open! I don't think too many people here do it. Even the ones that talk about transparency.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

My wife is as interested in TAM as I am in her Pinterest surfing 🤮. She knows my user name and can read up if she ever chose to do so. We did recommend one of our friends to check it out so she may be here


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> My wife is as interested in TAM as I am in her Pinterest surfing 🤮. She knows my user name and can read up if she ever chose to do so. We did recommend one of our friends to check it out so she may be here


I don't get Pinterest at all. It looks like a collage of useless information.


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## CrapMan (7 mo ago)

We are another couple without infidelity in our marriage. I share with her what I write and read in the threads. She finds my interest in this forum, SI, & LS weird. But, she discusses with me the various issues folks here encounter. She says I need a hobby since I am retired a couple of years ago, lol!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Who would I tell?

I am not from here, I am from elsewhere.

That elsewhere is not believed to be true, therefore, I am not real.

🙃


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> My wife is as interested in TAM as I am in her Pinterest surfing 🤮. She knows my user name and can read up if she ever chose to do so. We did recommend one of our friends to check it out so she may be here


Dude....your wife on Pintrest equals never ending honey-do projects


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Who would I tell?
> 
> I am not from here, I am from elsewhere.
> 
> ...


Do all of your group know that the OTHERS are also posting here?????


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## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

I don't actively share, unless it's especially interesting. However, my accounts are all open for inspection anytime she wants to look at it. If there is anything she wants to discuss, I'm ready.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

jlg07 said:


> Do all of your group know that the OTHERS are also posting here?????


To be honest, I have not a clue.
Sadly.

It has been weeks since I have seen my compatriots.

Yes, in the past, others have posted here, the lot of them, I guess.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

BootsAndJeans said:


> Dude....your wife on Pintrest equals never ending honey-do projects


Yeah three months ago we gutted and redid the master bathroom and last week tore down and redid the fireplace. I think I’ll forget to pay the internet bill next month so she can’t get anymore ideas !!


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

My husband knows I post here and sometimes if he's around me while I'm posting or reading, he'll look over my shoulder to see. He's also free to read what I've posted any time he wants to since I don't log out, but I don't think he's ever done that.

I have on occasion asked his opinion on a post I've read just as something to discuss and I think if he were to ever post here, he will either be very much liked or very much hated! LOL. In other words, he's very blunt and very sure of his opinion. He has no interest in posting on forums, so I really doubt he will ever post here.


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Unlike emails and texts with third parties, sharing what you wrote on TAM isn't any sort of ethical or legal violation.
> 
> With all this talk about transparency, how many of you who expect transparency are sharing everything you write on TAM with your partners who aren't on TAM, in the name of transparency? I mean, they'd learn a lot more from here than from one of your texts, I imagine.
> 
> ...



What are you talking about? You are free to publish and share any emails or texts you receive. Also, in what world would sharing them with your spouse ever be unethical?


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## Corgi Mum (10 mo ago)

Frithy said:


> What are you talking about? You are free to publish and share any emails or texts you receive. Also, in what world would sharing them with your spouse ever be unethical?


Just yesterday a very good friend texted me to ask my opinion about a possible ethical violation by a coworker of hers. It involved describing a series of questionable actions. It was told to me in confidence and there is no way I would share it with my SO. Withholding that from him protects her privacy as well as that of the other employee and has zero impact on my relationship with him. Quite frankly, it's none of his business.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Corgi Mum said:


> Just yesterday a very good friend texted me to ask my opinion about a possible ethical violation by a coworker of hers. It involved describing a series of questionable actions. It was told to me in confidence and there is no way I would share it with my SO. Withholding that from him protects her privacy as well as that of the other employee and has zero impact on my relationship with him. Quite frankly, it's none of his business.


Makes perfect sense and shows good ethics and consideration for other people's privacy.


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

Corgi Mum said:


> Just yesterday a very good friend texted me to ask my opinion about a possible ethical violation by a coworker of hers. It involved describing a series of questionable actions. It was told to me in confidence and there is no way I would share it with my SO. Withholding that from him protects her privacy as well as that of the other employee and has zero impact on my relationship with him. Quite frankly, it's none of his business.


I don't know, seems sketchy to me. You seem to be operating from a mentality of wanting everything to be private and only sharing things you think you must. I want to share everything I know with my wife and kids. Sharing knowledge is the greatest gift one can give; it's the heart of civilization, education, artistic expression, everything really. Why don't you want to share knowledge with someone you say you love?

*#edit#* Sorry, I just realized you never said you love your husband. I didn't mean to put words in your mouth.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Frithy said:


> I don't know, seems sketchy to me. You seem to be operating from a mentality of wanting everything to be private and only sharing things you think you must. I want to share everything I know with my wife and kids. Sharing knowledge is the greatest gift one can give; it's the heart of civilization, education, artistic expression, everything really. Why don't you want to share knowledge with someone you say you love?
> 
> *#edit#* Sorry, I just realized you never said you love your husband. I didn't mean to put words in your mouth.


There are some things that cannot/should not be shared. Nor should they be shared here. I was a crypto linguist for the USAF and had access to encryption by both the US and other countries. Cannot share. I am a peer support volunteer for prostate cancer patients and their families. Per HIPAA, there is limited information I can share with my wife about my interactions.

Other than that sort of thing my wife knows more than she cares to hear.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

MY WIFE knows I post here we often talk about the odd topic like the massage one , I let the window open all the time and on our pc all passwords are reg on auto as once we make a password we forget it , when a pc crashes and can't be fixed we often have to start with new accounts ,lol even lost our email account last time


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## Corgi Mum (10 mo ago)

Frithy said:


> I don't know, seems sketchy to me. You seem to be operating from a mentality of wanting everything to be private and only sharing things you think you must. I want to share everything I know with my wife and kids. Sharing knowledge is the greatest gift one can give; it's the heart of civilization, education, artistic expression, everything really. Why don't you want to share knowledge with someone you say you love?
> 
> *#edit#* Sorry, I just realized you never said you love your husband. I didn't mean to put words in your mouth.


Not sure what love has to do with it and since it wasn't germane to the topic I didn't think references to emotion were particularly relevant.

Having worked for so many years in a confidential environment subject to privacy legislation, I have different views on "sharing knowledge". No matter how juicy or titillating some information might be, I'm legally required to keep it to myself. Whether I love someone or not.

Not sure he'd be thrilled to hear about my friend's mental gymnastics over which new boots to buy or the brand of mozzarella she should use for her next homemade pizzas but, in the spirit of "sharing artistic expression", I'll be sure to dump that on him next time I have the chance


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Corgi Mum said:


> Not sure what love has to do with it and since it wasn't germane to the topic I didn't think references to emotion were particularly relevant.
> 
> Having worked for so many years in a confidential environment subject to privacy legislation, I have different views on "sharing knowledge". No matter how juicy or titillating some information might be, I'm legally required to keep it to myself. Whether I love someone or not.
> 
> Not sure he'd be thrilled to hear about my friend's mental gymnastics over which new boots to buy or the brand of mozzarella she should use for her next homemade pizzas but, in the spirit of "sharing artistic expression", I'll be sure to dump that on him next time I have the chance


I agree. That level of invasiveness, suspiciousness, or whatever it is would be a red flag to me. My work doesn't allow me to divulge anything except generalities either.


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