# Am I over thinking?



## cakez (Mar 27, 2018)

I am married for the last 5 and a half years. But have known my husband for 12 years. Since the day we married, my husband doesn't like me asking any questions on money matters. He doesn't discuss any money related or our future together. Last year he moved abroad for work. Even then, I knew he had given an interview and had an offer, but he never said anything about moving. His friend one day told me about his decision and I didn't know how to react! After he moved, he has opened a new bank account and he as made his father as the nominee. Should I be worried that our relationship has no importance for him and reconsider my relationship with him?


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## Just another (Feb 21, 2018)

What relationship?


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

The last time I checked a relationship was
between two people.CORRECT? It seems to be that
in this situation there is only one person who considers
it a relationship. YOU!! What he does job or moving 
affects you also so. IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO, NOT ONE


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## cakez (Mar 27, 2018)

@Just another: Is this a sarcasm??? I am still very much in the marriage and feel that my husband doesn't value it much. So the question should I be worried about my marriage or is this the way it has to be?

Thanks!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

cakez said:


> Should I be worried that our relationship has no importance for him and reconsider my relationship with him?


Before I worry about how important the relationship is to him, I would be more concerned about if this is some kind of dirty money or something. 

I'd be more worried about the DEA kicking in the front door with a battering ram and being hogtied face down on the floor with the barrel of gun shoved into the back of your head while you were watching The Voice on TV.


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## Um Excuse Me (Feb 3, 2018)

After reading your story, it sounds like your on the receiving end of his exit plan. In fact, I don't know of any spouses who are not a part of these types of financial or marital discussions. Oh wait, yes I do, but they're called ex-spouses.

I'm sorry and best of luck moving forward....


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

CAKEZ

To simply answer your question
Yes you should be worried about your relationship,
and reconsider it. What is your plan moving forward?
It seems he has one all ready figured out.


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## cakez (Mar 27, 2018)

sa58

I have no plans. I feel betrayed and cheated. I have no idea why is he doing this to me, except that his family never took me as a part of their family. I quit my job for him. I did what he asked me to do. But still he never acknowledged me , its very disheartening. If I ask him for reason I just get the response that my mother has not treated him well. He stayed at my mom's place twice in these 5 and half years,once for 4 days and I was with him and we were newly married. And second time for half a day! My mother has never done anything to him. When she came and stayed with us for 2 months, she cooked for him and took care of him. Never has she said anything bad to him or ill treated him. But he in turn has hurt her a lot. When she asked him why does he hurt me and doesn't he feel anything for me, he said he doesn't feel anything and that is how he is... My mother felt that I have chosen the wrong person for my life partner. And to top it all, my in-laws have called up my mother and blasted at her for no reason and told her that my husband only listens to my MIL and nobody else. I feel like I ruined my life myself...


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

cakez said:


> sa58
> 
> I have no plans. I feel betrayed and cheated. I have no idea why is he doing this to me, except that his family never took me as a part of their family. I quit my job for him. I did what he asked me to do. But still he never acknowledged me , its very disheartening. If I ask him for reason I just get the response that my mother has not treated him well. He stayed at my mom's place twice in these 5 and half years,once for 4 days and I was with him and we were newly married. And second time for half a day! My mother has never done anything to him. When she came and stayed with us for 2 months, she cooked for him and took care of him. Never has she said anything bad to him or ill treated him. But he in turn has hurt her a lot. When she asked him why does he hurt me and doesn't he feel anything for me, he said he doesn't feel anything and that is how he is... My mother felt that I have chosen the wrong person for my life partner. And to top it all, my in-laws have called up my mother and blasted at her for no reason and told her that my husband only listens to my MIL and nobody else. I feel like I ruined my life myself...


We all make mistakes, but your life isn't ruined unless you keep living the same mistake. I'm not sure what country you live in and cultures are all different but I hope you have some freedom of choice and make the decision to create a happy life for yourself, even being single would be better than being married to someone who doesn't respect you.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You've been richly delegated as his "Plan B," while his escape overseas from you has always been his "Plan A!"

Lose him like a bad habit! This is not your fault!*


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

What culture are you from? Sounds like your H is phasing you out, go see a lawyer and see what your options are.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

cakez, 

I don't know why your husband is so independent and secretive with you.

There can be a variety of reasons, and they don't all mean he is cheating. He may have no idea that once he marries, his work choices, finances, etc. are all subject to scrutiny (and input) by his wife. 

He should not accept a job offer without getting his wife's agreement. He may think that he has a right to keep his work and finances separate from the marriage.

I know how hurtful it is to find out about your husband's new job after others already know. That happened to me once. Someone congratulated me on my husband's new job, and I didn't know what they were talking about! A couple of years later my husband applied for, had an interview for a different job in a different state while we were on vacation, and I knew nothing about it until he told me he was going in for his second interview.

My husband wanted no input from me regarding his work. However he expected me to follow him, or at least stay with him no matter what employment he chose. (He was not doing anything illegal, BTW) He was protective. I believe it came out of his own insecurity and poor modeling by his parents, who were very independent from each other and ultimately divorced.

He is now aware that he was not treating me properly for years by leaving me out of major decisions, and that in a marriage, I as the wife have valuable input, and an equal say in his job choices.

What your husband is doing is called "Independent Action" according to Willard Harley. Get the book, Love Busters, and read it. If he cares about the marriage, have him read it.

You need to have a conversation with your husband, and tell him that you will not have "independent action" going on in your marriage, or that he will not have a marriage with you.

He will continue to be that way until he has a reason not to. He may also be cheating, and just not care about you.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

If he left abroad with no means for you and the kids.....

I beg to look upon abandonment. With you quitting your job and marrying him, a judge would love to dig some claws in him.

I see what is going on here. He has detached, and he now has a means to be paid very well, and have money in off-shore accounts that cannot be sequestered by courts or otherwise. He is essentially starting over, in a rapid fashion. 

Drop him, and move to secure yourself with a future you can thrive in...Have all his leftover belongings or things tied to him, sent to his family. You can leave a note saying you are getting out of this farce of a marriage. His cause, not yours. You will be fine. But of course, this is only one side of the story....

Why in "all of a sudden" does he just eject from a stable environment and go nuclear? Is there something you are leaving out?
Men are creatures of habit. We like stable, we don't do crazy well. Of course, there are outliers. But for the most part, we are beer, sofa, ball game and BBQ types. We don't just get bombastic and fly off the rails unless something unsettles us....


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Move on. You have no marriage.


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