# My struggle



## GirlBetrayed (Oct 9, 2018)

My husband and I are married 17 years, together 22. 

18 months ago, we moved across country to start a “better life” and four months after my husband started working, he had an affair with his married coworker.

I didn’t find out until 3 1/2 months later, but I suspected and confronted him three times, which of course, he denied. Upon discovery of incriminating emails, within the next few days we decided that we work it out, and not only did he end it, but he left his job. Things were going very well, although I was traumatized and hurt beyond imagination, I recognized and owned up to my part in what led to his willing emotional and physical acceptance of admiration and affection from this woman. 

I became a better wife. A better everything. My sex drive was suddenly out of control. I was head over heels in love again. All I wanted to do was be with him and, (so I thought) he felt the same.

A few weeks into our recovery, his boss asked him to come back for six weeks, offering him a significant salary raise. I said I trusted him which was my biggest mistake, and told him to go back knowing that he was very unhappy with the current position he was in. 

Fast forward, and I discovered that of course, a few weeks after he went back to work, the affair began up again. His excuse? There were “feelings” and being in the environment was difficult. He told her that once the six weeks were over, so were they. The way I discovered this second betrayal was that she had sent nude pictures to my husband and I found them, then sent her an email asking her to please stop. I ended up meeting her at a coffee house and we talked, whereby she told me it hadn’t ended when I thought. She gave me details and answered many of the questions that I asked my husband only to discover that majority of the answers he gave me were half truths and full lies. 

At this point, I realized exactly how intense their love affair was. She felt, in three months that he was her soulmate, the love of her life, even though he made no promises of a future with her. She did say that he would cry to her often because he was so torn as to staying with her and leaving me, or doing the right thing. She made sure that I knew details I didn’t even ask for, things that she knew would hurt me. It’s since been 7 months since they have spoken. 

I struggle every day to trust him. She lives five minutes away, they no longer work in the same company, I check his phone often and phone records so I know there has been no texting or calls. Her husband knows- he made her leave, which in turn created a little love nest for them and he no longer had to drop $300 a week on hotels. 

I know he cares about her very much, but I’m not sure if he knows the difference between love, lust or limerance. I have chosen to stay for many reasons, first and foremost because I love him and I cannot fathom my life without my partner, dishonest as he has become. The other reasons are financial and because our children are also struggling. At this point, I have many unanswered questions, which my husband refuses to answer because he deems them not constructive. We are in therapy, I am seeing a therapist privately, and while Their relationship has been over longer than it existed, I don’t think he is over her. I think that if she contacted him right now, even though I’ve given him an ultimatum and he is relying on me financially, there is no way he would be able to say no to her. Every day he tells me he loves me. Every day he shows me the kind of husband I need him to be. Every single day he tries and he is working toward becoming a better man, he reads relationship books and is truly trying to make up for what he has done. Yet, I am tormented by this woman and by my husbands affection for her. As well as the amount of effort he put into not only being with her, but attempting to deceive me.

I am desperate for the answers I seek. I want to contact her again to see if she will give me the closure I need, but I am terrified this will give her an excuse to contact my husband again and therefore start things up. My life is terrible and I just need something to make it better. I know you’re all going to suggest that I walk away and divorce him, but it is not that simple. I wish it was, so I could just let him go, move on with my life.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

GirlBetrayed said:


> My husband and I are married 17 years, together 22. 18 months ago, we moved across country to start a “better life” and four months after my husband started working, he had an affair with his married coworker. I didn’t find out until 3 1/2 months later, but I suspected and confronted him three times, which of course, he denied. Upon discovery of incriminating emails, within the next few days we decided that we work it out, and not only did he end it, but he left his job. Things were going very well, although I was traumatized and hurt beyond imagination, I recognized and owned up to my part in what led to his willing emotional and physical acceptance of admiration and affection from this woman. I became a better wife. A better everything. My sex drive was suddenly out of control. I was head over heels in love again. All I wanted to do was be with him and, (so I thought) he felt the same. A few weeks into our recovery, his boss asked him to come back for six weeks, offering him a significant salary raise. I said I trusted him which was my biggest mistake, and told him to go back knowing that he was very unhappy with the current position he was in. Fast forward, and I discovered that of course, a few weeks after he went back to work, the affair began up again. His excuse? There were “feelings” and being in the environment was difficult. He told her that once the six weeks were over, so were they. The way I discovered this second betrayal was that she had sent nude pictures to my husband and I found them, then sent her an email asking her to please stop. I ended up meeting her at a coffee house and we talked, whereby she told me it hadn’t ended when I thought. She gave me details and answered many of the questions that I asked my husband only to discover that majority of the answers he gave me were half truths and full lies. At this point, I realized exactly how intense their love affair was. She felt, in three months that he was her soulmate, the love of her life, even though he made no promises of a future with her. She did say that he would cry to her often because he was so torn as to staying with her and leaving me, or doing the right thing. She made sure that I knew details I didn’t even ask for, things that she knew would hurt me. It’s since been 7 months since they have spoken.
> I struggle every day to trust him. She lives five minutes away, they no longer work in the same company, I check his phone often and phone records so I know there has been no texting or calls. I know he cares about her very much, but I’m not sure if he knows the difference between love, lust or limerance. I have chosen to stay for many reasons, first and foremost because I love him and I cannot fathom my life without my partner, dishonest as he has become. The other reasons are financial and because our children are also struggling. At this point, I have many unanswered questions, which my husband refuses to answer because he deems them not constructive. We are in therapy, I am seeing a therapist privately, and while Their relationship has been over longer than it existed, I don’t think he is over her. I think that if she contacted him right now, even though I’ve given him an ultimatum and he is relying on me financially, there is no way he would be able to say no to her. Every day he tells me he loves me. Every day he shows me the kind of husband I need him to be. Every single day he tries and he is working toward becoming a better man, he reads relationship books and is truly trying to make up for what he has done. Yet, I am tormented by this woman and by my husbands affection for her. As well as the amount of effort he put into not only being with her, but attempting to deceive me. I am desperate for the answers I seek. I want to contact her again to see if she will give me the closure I need, but I am terrified this will give her an excuse to contact my husband again and therefore start things up. My life is terrible and I just need something to make it better. I know you’re all going to suggest that I walk away and divorce him, but it is not that simple. I wish it was, so I could just let him go, move on with my life.


Mods --- Can we put this in her other thread. 

OP it's better if you stick to one thread so that people catching up can read and follow along. Also can you add some paragraphs. It's hard to read like this.


----------



## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

GirlBetrayed said:


> My husband and I are married 17 years, together 22. 18 months ago, we moved across country to start a “better life” and four months after my husband started working, he had an affair with his married coworker. I didn’t find out until 3 1/2 months later, but I suspected and confronted him three times, which of course, he denied. Upon discovery of incriminating emails, within the next few days we decided that we work it out, and not only did he end it, but he left his job. Things were going very well, although I was traumatized and hurt beyond imagination, I recognized and owned up to my part in what led to his willing emotional and physical acceptance of admiration and affection from this woman. I became a better wife. A better everything. My sex drive was suddenly out of control. I was head over heels in love again. All I wanted to do was be with him and, (so I thought) he felt the same. A few weeks into our recovery, his boss asked him to come back for six weeks, offering him a significant salary raise. I said I trusted him which was my biggest mistake, and told him to go back knowing that he was very unhappy with the current position he was in. Fast forward, and I discovered that of course, a few weeks after he went back to work, the affair began up again. His excuse? There were “feelings” and being in the environment was difficult. He told her that once the six weeks were over, so were they. The way I discovered this second betrayal was that she had sent nude pictures to my husband and I found them, then sent her an email asking her to please stop. I ended up meeting her at a coffee house and we talked, whereby she told me it hadn’t ended when I thought. She gave me details and answered many of the questions that I asked my husband only to discover that majority of the answers he gave me were half truths and full lies. At this point, I realized exactly how intense their love affair was. She felt, in three months that he was her soulmate, the love of her life, even though he made no promises of a future with her. She did say that he would cry to her often because he was so torn as to staying with her and leaving me, or doing the right thing. She made sure that I knew details I didn’t even ask for, things that she knew would hurt me. It’s since been 7 months since they have spoken.
> I struggle every day to trust him. She lives five minutes away, they no longer work in the same company, I check his phone often and phone records so I know there has been no texting or calls. I know he cares about her very much, but I’m not sure if he knows the difference between love, lust or limerance. I have chosen to stay for many reasons, first and foremost because I love him and I cannot fathom my life without my partner, dishonest as he has become. The other reasons are financial and because our children are also struggling. At this point, I have many unanswered questions, which my husband refuses to answer because he deems them not constructive. We are in therapy, I am seeing a therapist privately, and while Their relationship has been over longer than it existed, I don’t think he is over her. I think that if she contacted him right now, even though I’ve given him an ultimatum and he is relying on me financially, there is no way he would be able to say no to her. Every day he tells me he loves me. Every day he shows me the kind of husband I need him to be. Every single day he tries and he is working toward becoming a better man, he reads relationship books and is truly trying to make up for what he has done. Yet, I am tormented by this woman and by my husbands affection for her. As well as the amount of effort he put into not only being with her, but attempting to deceive me. I am desperate for the answers I seek. I want to contact her again to see if she will give me the closure I need, but I am terrified this will give her an excuse to contact my husband again and therefore start things up. My life is terrible and I just need something to make it better. I know you’re all going to suggest that I walk away and divorce him, but it is not that simple. I wish it was, so I could just let him go, move on with my life.


Does the woman's husband know about the affair? If not, be sure he does.

Well, the only way your marriage can survive is by putting distance between your husband, and his affair partner. I know you just moved, but this issue isn't going to be at rest as long as she lives a mere 5 minutes away. Especially with your husband being as weak and vulnerable as he is. 3 hours drive between them would be the minimum you should consider in my opinion.

Your position is relatively weak as well, since you don't appear willing to leave him if he cheats again. While he, according to you, appears to be trying, he doesn't appear to be committed. He hasn't washed his hands of this other woman, and that's not a suitable foundation for rebuilding your relationship.


----------



## GirlBetrayed (Oct 9, 2018)

Sorry. I thought it should be kept in this forum.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

GirlBetrayed said:


> Sorry. I thought it should be kept in this forum.


 You're fine in this forum. That's where it belongs.

If your life is terrible now from the lack of trust, how do you think you'll be able to deal with that the rest of your life? The reason many folks say to divorce is that they know that will likely be the result years down the road, and at that point, you have wasted part of your life worrying and playing warden to your shifty husband. You deserve better than that.


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Let her husband know what's going on ASAP. You to value yourself a lot more. You dont have to put up with that bull ****. Time to lay down the law.


----------



## GirlBetrayed (Oct 9, 2018)

We are planing on moving out of state because of this. HIS idea because I can’t be here anymore. Everything is tainted and he knows how difficult it’s been for me. 

Her husband knows. He’s from abroad, and it was really a marriage of convenience. Apparently he was verbally abuse or some BS and that’s why she turned to my husband, because he was her mentor and was kind to her. Made her believe in herself again. *gag*


----------



## GirlBetrayed (Oct 9, 2018)

Thound said:


> Let her husband know what's going on ASAP. You to value yourself a lot more. You dont have to put up with that bull ****. Time to lay down the law.


 He knows. Threw her out. I should’ve contacted him to tell
Him what a ***** he is not informing me. We’d gone to dinner with them and had them over st Christmas. He KNEW me. He saw our life here in our home. Why wouldn’t he tell me?


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

GirlBetrayed said:


> My husband and I are married 17 years, together 22.
> 
> 18 months ago, we moved across country to start a “better life” and four months after my husband started working, he had an affair with his married coworker.
> 
> ...



I am sorry, you will do all it takes now to keep things together, for the marriage, for the kids, because you love him, can't imagine life with out him but believe me when I tell you a time will come when you will look at him and think why did you put yourself through the pain to 'keep' him. You will have no problem with walking away, you will not see him the way you used to, you will invest much less in him or the marriage and more in yourself. 
This is inevitable, because he showed you who he was, he lied not once but twice, he showed you that you were dispensable, you are the chump who took him back. You may not be able to let him go now because of the circumstances, but believe me you will in the future, when the kids are bigger, you sound as if you are financially fit, think of the future. 
Marriage is tough enough without being married to other half's who will sell you down the river in a heart beat so they can get a bit of action and not once should you tell yourself it was your fault, it is all totally on him. What guarantee do you have that when another skirt comes along that takes a fancy to him, he wont up and do the same thing. 
Think about it, is he really worth the pain and effort? He sounds selfish, why are you the one putting in the work? Start emotionally detaching, you will never have peace with this man, ever. It will always be there, is that the life you want?


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

GirlBetrayed said:


> We are planing on moving out of state because of this. HIS idea because I can’t be here anymore. Everything is tainted and he knows how difficult it’s been for me.
> 
> Her husband knows. He’s from abroad, and it was really a marriage of convenience. Apparently he was verbally abuse or some BS and that’s why she turned to my husband, because he was her mentor and was kind to her. Made her believe in herself again. *gag*


Moving is not gonna solve the problem, this is not a problem of location it is a problem of character. Your WH has a ****ty character, that is what you should be focusing on, it is difficult for someone with a bad character and boundaries to change. He didn't do this once, he did it twice. He knew the impact of the first time but went ahead and did it again, regardless of the devastation, that says exactly what he thinks of you. DUMP him!


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

It's great that he is willing to read relationship book. I recommend you get and follow the book "surviving an affair" by Dr. Willard Harley. (www.marriagebuilders.com) 
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B85M2AM/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
What that does is help you put in place safety measures that make sure neither of you can slip into an affair. Once you are truly secure again, you can relax and rebuild your love and you will stop thinking about this other woman. It's not about "forgiving" and "trusting" as much as moving on with a plan in place that helps you both be really happy and satisfied in your marriage and protects you both from opportunities to fall for someone else. 

Kind of like an alcoholic shouldn't hang out in a bar, no matter how committed they are to sobriety. Married people shouldn't put themselves in certain situations, period.

One of those is living 5 minutes from this woman. NO. Not acceptable for your sanity or his.

BTW, don't take this woman TOO seriously. Your H probably DID lie, but it's also possible SHE exaggerated to make you feel inferior. I consider myself a compulsively honest person, but I remember when I was young I was seeing a guy who had a lot of trouble getting erect. I found out he was screwing around behind my back. One of the girls he was rumored to have been with asked me one day "Does he ever have trouble getting hard?" The truth was yes, all the time, but I look her right in the eye and gave her my most perplexed look and said "Are you kidding? Not him. I walk into the room and he gets hard!"

A tip on posting:
Press enter twice between paragraphs to create white space. Even if it's not in the right place for "proper paragraphs." Some white space every few sentences makes it MUCH easier of people to read.









GirlBetrayed said:


> My husband and I are married 17 years, together 22.
> 
> 18 months ago, we moved across country to start a “better life” and four months after my husband started working, he had an affair with his married coworker.
> 
> ...


----------



## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

GirlBetrayed said:


> I am desperate for the answers I seek. I want to contact her again to see if she will give me the closure I need, but I am terrified this will give her an excuse to contact my husband again and therefore start things up.


Don't contact the other woman. She will exaggerate your husband's feelings for her, and outright lie about things he's done/said, while minimizing his commitment to you and your kids. She wants you to leave him, so she can have him to herself. Don't allow her to sow further pain and discontent.

As another poster pointed out, moving will not solve the issue. But, it sets the stage for the issue to be addressed. If you're repairing a house for fire damage, it helps if there isn't a bonfire cooking two feet from the structure.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The OW just wants to twist the knife because he's with you and not her. Accept that you'll never get all the answers you want and stay away from her. 

R is a very tough road and it's full of ups and downs. It takes years to rebuild a damaged marriage and you never again trust 100% (and shouldn't). Is it worth it? For some but not for everyone. Just take it a day at a time.


----------



## Robbie1234 (Feb 8, 2017)

I was in your shoes once, my ex wife was cheating with her boss. When I found out I wanted to divorce straight away but we had young children and I decided to take her back. Ten years later I caught them again,to this day I don't know exactly how long the affair was going on. I threw her out an divorced her. 
The biggest regret I have in my life is the wasted years I spent with her. 
Your husband was given a chance to reconcile and he still cheated again. 
Do not waste any more of your life on this loser.


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

GirlBetrayed said:


> I think that if she contacted him right now, even though I’ve given him an ultimatum and he is relying on me financially, there is no way he would be able to say no to her. Every day he tells me he loves me. Every day he shows me the kind of husband I need him to be. Every single day he tries and he is working toward becoming a better man, he reads relationship books and is truly trying to make up for what he has done. Yet, I am tormented by this woman and by my husbands affection for her. As well as the amount of effort he put into not only being with her, but attempting to deceive me.


Replace 'her' with 'heroin' and you'll understand what you're up against. I don't see this specific woman as the issue. Even if you move away, what then? There are women everywhere. It sounds like your H is addicted to romantic feelings. It just so happened that this particular woman was there at the time. But what about the women at his new job, the gym, the store, etc? Yes, moving away will help break his bond with her, but how confident are you that he won't start up with someone else? 

Is he like a heroin addict who will crave it no matter what? Or is this specific woman unique and once she's out of the picture, it'll all be okay?


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

wilson said:


> Replace 'her' with 'heroin' and you'll understand what you're up against. I don't see this specific woman as the issue. Even if you move away, what then? There are women everywhere. It sounds like your H is addicted to romantic feelings. It just so happened that this particular woman was there at the time. But what about the women at his new job, the gym, the store, etc? Yes, moving away will help break his bond with her, but how confident are you that he won't start up with someone else?
> 
> Is he like a heroin addict who will crave it no matter what? Or is this specific woman unique and once she's out of the picture, it'll all be okay?


Ok I'll go with this....but 
OP act as if this is literal. Not just allegory. I mean REALLY, would you live with a heroin addict? 
I say leave him to his drug of choice. ASAP.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read Surviving An Affair together. Then read His Needs Her Needs together to find out how to fix your marriage.

Also, read up on PEA chemicals - tons of articles out there - and print them out and ask him to read them. It will explain to him that what he was feeling for her was NOT love, it was hormones, the same one that people get when they first start dating. A HIGH. He needs to understand this or he won't stop romanticizing her.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

GirlBetrayed said:


> I am desperate for the answers I seek. I want to contact her again to see if she will give me the closure I need, but I am terrified this will give her an excuse to contact my husband again and therefore start things up. My life is terrible and I just need something to make it better. I know you’re all going to suggest that I walk away and divorce him, but it is not that simple. I wish it was, so I could just let him go, move on with my life.


And WHY exactly is it not that simple?? Because in reality, IT IS that simple. H has proven to you that he is a lying, chronic cheat. This is no way to live, you should want and seek better for yourself. I think you deserve better than this POS, why dont YOU think so?


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

First off, I'm so sorry for the situation that you're in. I can only imagine how hard that would be.

Secondly, it should be your husband who gives you the closure that you need to move on, not the other woman. Personally, I would not contact her, but would be telling my husband how much I needed him to answer my questions. Thing is that he lied to you in the past, so there's really nothing stopping him from doing that now, again. Maybe bringing this up with the couples counsellor would be the way to go.

Also, I would move, and put A LOT of physical space between you guys and the other woman.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It may be helpful to explore the "what if" train of thought. 

Have you given any thoughts to the possibility that he might leave you regardless of your taking him back?

If he did, do you have an emergency plan?

Where you may live, how would you move forward?

Because he just might.

Or if you decided he must go, move out, what would be your strategy to move forward?

Because you can't forecast all circumstances it's surely best if you have some sort of framework of living, and putting yourself first.

See? The what-if train of thought can help keep you settled and prepared in your own mind.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

GirlBetrayed said:


> We are planing on moving out of state because of this. HIS idea because I can’t be here anymore. Everything is tainted and he knows how difficult it’s been for me.
> 
> Her husband knows. He’s from abroad, and it was really a marriage of convenience. Apparently he was verbally abuse or some BS and that’s why she turned to my husband, because he was her mentor and was kind to her. Made her believe in herself again. *gag*


Your lack of willingness to leave the relationship has you at a disadvantage. 

You really only have two overarching choices:

1. Continue as is with a dishonest relationship

2. Insist on honesty in all facets or be willing to leave

He has zero...ZERO excuse to withhold ANY information from you. The only reason he does so is because he can do it without consequence. 

Or you can continue as is...sweeping it under the rug, as your conscience and gut scream at you to do otherwise. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

He sounds completely untrustworthy. Why on earth would you keep giving him all these chances?

You are making accommodations just to keep him from cheating?? How does that make any sense at all?

This will happen again if you keep being a doormat. Stand up for yourself, make him feel consequences. Be less available.

Or just divorce.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> And WHY exactly is it not that simple?? Because in reality, IT IS that simple. H has proven to you that he is a lying, chronic cheat. This is no way to live, you should want and seek better for yourself. I think you deserve better than this POS, why dont YOU think so?


Because it's her life, her family?

Yeah, it's generally pretty easy for us to dispense advice. But for the victim to actually live that advice? That's not always all that easy, because that is there life, their reality.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> 3Xnocharm said:
> 
> 
> > And WHY exactly is it not that simple?? Because in reality, IT IS that simple. H has proven to you that he is a lying, chronic cheat. This is no way to live, you should want and seek better for yourself. I think you deserve better than this POS, why dont YOU think so?
> ...


 This is so true. I cannot count how many times I have heard people on forums till others to quit their jobs, up route their children and move across country, blow up their spouse's income in the name of exposure. None of these people are likely to step up and pay the electric bill when no one has any money or help pack all the boxes or explained to the children at the friends they've had all their lives are going to be ripped away from them.

And some of these places are so called like that if you do not do everything they say to the letter they say you are not serious and berate you on top of the betrayal that you have endured. It's really sad

Opie, I am so sorry you are in this situation. Your husband needs to do some long term heavy lifting to earn the gift of your trust. Decide exactly what you need from him and make it clear that there is no other option.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I agree with a couple of others here who said that moving away wont solve this issue because there are women everywhere. Your husband has low moral values and little idea of what being faithful is. He has cheated twice now, with little consequences from you, so what is going to stop him again? If you had said after the first time, and meant it, that if this ever happens again I am out of here, he 
may not have risked it. However, you are still there after him cheating twice.
I don't see how this man can be trusted,and what is a marriage with no trust?


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

You can't bring yourself to do anything or make any decisions regarding his two affairs with this woman. 

So, ask yourself what you will do when it happens again. The reason you linger in this indecisive limbo is that you haven't established any standards for yourself or your husband regarding what you will and will not tolerate.

Life is a series of if/then scenarios. For nearly every aspect of life that you encounter, you devise a plan B. There have many, many times in your life that you had to tell yourself "If this happens, then I will do that" or "If A&B do not go as planned, then we will have to do Y&Z." When I was a teenager, I told myself and also related to friends that "I would leave a guy that cheated on me" and I held to that principle ever since so if it ever happened, I knew what I would do. I didn't realize it at the time that I had set that standard for myself and the men I would meet and date or marry.

Nearly everything has to be planned for in advance. Without a plan - established standards to guide us through what we have to do when faced with those circumstances - we languish in misery and failure. Imagine what it would be like if our military didn't formulate plans. Imagine what our police departments would like if they didn't formulate plans. Imagine what our schools/classrooms would be like if teachers didn't devise lesson plans. Imagine what your life, your home, your finances, and your children would be like if you never planned for anything. Without a plan, nobody knows what to do about anything. A plan makes execution easier because you know what to do. Some standards are based on necessity and some are personal and are based on your own principles, your dignity, your values, and the example you must set for your children. You wouldn't teach your children to steal because you have higher values than to be a thief (I assume lol), so your plan is to teach them not to become thieves. To maintain your dignity and prevent allowing anyone to run over you, you have to establish standards to live by no matter how hard it is to live up those standards, but you have to set them and do whatever you have to do to maintain your principles, dignity, values, and to show your children how they are to conduct their own lives.

It may be extremely difficult to execute your plan because you don't want to have to do it, but the mechanics of execution surely are just that simple as long as you don't give yourself excuses to make execution seem impossible. Should you decide your plan will be to divorce your husband when he does this the next time, then it will be a simple task to place one foot in front of the other to a divorce attorney. Your emotions are what make it difficult because you don't want to have to do it but since he is the who determines when you execute your plan, then you will know what to do and have to follow through. You might decide to again do nothing the next time, and that will be fine. Your plan will then have to be focused on maintaining your marriage and home life after experiencing the pain all over again. Plan on how to manage it. Your plan might include seeing a marriage counselor, reading some self-help books on surviving infidelity, gouging his eyes and castrating him lol, or drinking chamomile tea to calm your nerves. Who knows, but you do have to devise a plan one way or another.

So, determine what it means to you and establish some standards about your husband's cheating. Make a plan. Think about this happening the next time because there will be a next time with some woman somewhere, and determine what you will do about it. It will make decision-making easier and make your life easier because you will know what to do when the time comes.


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

I'm wondering what you mean that your husband depends on you financially. If it means he doesn't have a job, do you work outside your home? And if you do, then how can you know what he does while you are at work? You seem sure that's not engaged in an affair, but how do you know that?

Also, you said he's reading a book, but how can you be sure he's actually reading the book? Have you challenged him on its content? I fear he's just feeding you what you want to think, and you're falling for it. He could easily pretend to be reading the book to make you think he is sincere. He might be sincere and reading the book for real, but my concern is that you are too trusting. You thought before that the affair was over. There's no way to know for certain because she might have lied and he doesn't seem to be telling you anything, but you're trusting him right now and saying things as if they were, and I'm not sure you know it for certain exactly what is going on or what he's doing right now. The more trusting you are, the easier it is for him to get away with whatever he wants to do.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

personofinterest said:


> This is so true. I cannot count how many times I have heard people on forums till others to quit their jobs, up route their children and move across country, blow up their spouse's income in the name of exposure. None of these people are likely to step up and pay the electric bill when no one has any money or help pack all the boxes or explained to the children at the friends they've had all their lives are going to be ripped away from them.


So many times we see folks here choosing to stay in their misery because they have convinced themselves that they are stuck. Reality is that they are only stuck as long as that is what they believe. Once the decision is made that they need to get out, then that is when the planning and strategizing start in order to make it happen. THAT was my point, not open the door and run blindly into the abyss. Someone is only stuck in the victim chair until they decide to stand up.


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> So many times we see folks here choosing to stay in their misery because they have convinced themselves that they are stuck. Reality is that they are only stuck as long as that is what they believe. Once the decision is made that they need to get out, then that is when the planning and strategizing start in order to make it happen. THAT was my point, not open the door and run blindly into the abyss. Someone is only stuck in the victim chair until they decide to stand up.


This is SO true!! I know it was true of me. I just assumed leaving my marriage would be too hard and there was no way out. But guess what? After a few more years of misery I did some actual research and realized there was a way out. Many things about my life will be different but it's still much better than having your soul destroyed every day. So no, you can't leave and expect your life to stay the same, but you can leave and make your life better.


----------

