# Confused



## SMR1827

My husband and I have been together almost 9 years, married 3.5. He broke my trust several times 3 years ago when I caught him on dating web sites. He says it was just entertainment but it really crushed me. He changed and really tried to prove himself but I held a grudge and was angry for the last 2 years. I just couldn't let go We fought a lot. I said a lot of mean things in the heat of arguments. I withheld sex at times and I didn't support him like maybe I should have.

After a fight in Aug when I told him to leave, he left. That crushed me. He told me he didn't want a divorce but needed space. I didn't feel like we could move past it so I told him I thought divorce might be best. He begged me to stay and offered to go to marriage counseling. So I agreed. 

Well, I made an appt. he didn't go. He was always to busy. But I was so broken I talked to the therapist and learned I needed to keep going. I was diagnosed with depression, an anxiety disorder, PTSD from a previous abusive relationship. I have been going to therapy since Aug. like my husband suggested a long time ago. I've been working on my issues and my temper. I have honestly learned a lot. We have been talking and spending time together since. 

I've sincerely appologized and I've been trying to do better. I am really hurting and I see that I really hurt him. I didn't even realize it or mean to. I see how my actions have affected both of us. And I realize how much I love my husband still and I can put the past in the past. I try and be loving, we are intimate, I try and be supportive, show him I appreciate him, etc. I've been trying to help him follow his dream of owning a semi truck, all the things I didn't do before. I just listen and am trying to be a better wife. But he refuses to come home. He just keeps saying I need time and space but its been 14 weeks. I feel so helpless like what I am doing isn't enough. I just want to fix our marriage and for him to come home. Lately he's been staying with me more.

I've backed off pressuring the subject of his return but I still feel he's so distant. He says he doesn't want a divorce but I don't know that he wants to fix it. My head overthinks and sometimes I think he really hates me. Or that he is punishing me. Then other times I feel he is afraid that I will revert back bc he has mentioned that. I don't know how to earn his trust. Other times I feel like because we have been struggling financially with him trying to pursue his dreams and starting new jobs. And I know he hates feeling like he can't take care of me. I don't care about that. I don't need taken care of. I need him. I just want to be with my husband and be better. I love him but he's so distant. Like list night I sent a sweet message saying I love you. And all the things I love about him. And that when I first met him, I knew I found someone wonderful and since then I wanted to be with him. That was the truth but he didn't even acknowledge that. Does anyone have any advice? Or thoughts?


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## EleGirl

After you caught your husband on dating sites, what did he do to prove to you that he could be trusted. He was either looking to cheat, or did cheat. You will never know because without you have solid evidence, he would never tell you that he cheated. That's how cheaters work.

I get that you did not handle the attempted recovery very well by withhold sex at times. It sounds like the two of you did not seek out help to learn how to handle his infidelity (or attempted infidelity, which ever it was) so it did not go well.

But now, you have gone in the opposite direction and are beating yourself up for your part in this. All the while he's just along for the ride, and you are giving him a pretty nice ride at that. He has you begging him to return. You give him all the sex he wants. You support his endeavors. And he gets to live like a single man.

Ask yourself what the one thing is that he would lose if he moved back with you? He'd lose living like a single man. My bet is that he is not on those dating sites all he wants since you cannot see what he's doing. He did not reply to your love letter last night? Well he's probably not available, it was Friday night... date night. 

You need to wise up here. Your husband is living as a single man and he is not willing to give it up.

You say that he does not feel good about not being able to support you? Really? Because it does not look like that from here. The two of you are paying rent/mortgage on 2 places. Utilities on 2 places. So it's more expensive to live apart. If he truly felt bad about not supporting you, he'd put an end to living separately.

It's been 14 weeks, over 3 months. It's time for you to draw a line in the sand. Either he moves back and commits to your marriage, or you file for divorce.

What does your counselor say about all this? Does the counselor think it's ok for you to be allowing your husband to use you while he lives as a single man?


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## SMR1827

Well, let's see he works and that was what he was doing last night. He is truck driver and works 6p-6a. And he is staying with his uncle/ mom so we aren't paying utilities for two places. 

As far as what he did to prove himself to me, he spent a year apologizing. He took care of me. He worked hard. He really tried to make it up to me.


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## EleGirl

SMR1827 said:


> Well, let's see he works and that was what he was doing last night. He is truck driver and works 6p-6a. And he is staying with his uncle/ mom so we aren't paying utilities for two places.
> 
> As far as what he did to prove himself to me, he spent a year apologizing. He took care of me. He worked hard. He really tried to make it up to me.


So if he was working from 6p-6a, why are you upset that he did not reply to the text you sent him? See, we only know what you tell us. Since you were upset that he did not reply to your text, I assumed it was reasonable for you to expect him to do so. But now it turns out that he was working.

Either your husband is emotionally afraid to move back with you or he is enjoying living as a single man. Since he is spending a lot of time with you, my guess is that the single life is his major pull for not moving back.


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## David51

I am not a cheater but if I was going to it would be because the wife was not giving me any sex.....I bet everytime he comes to see you he get all the sex he wants. It wasn’t like that when he was living at home huh? He has figured that out too..... 
and dosen’t want to mess up a good thing


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl

David51 said:


> I am not a cheater but if I was going to it would be because the wife was not giving me any sex.....I bet everytime he comes to see you he get all the sex he wants. It wasn’t like that when he was living at home huh? He has figured that out too.....
> and dosen’t want to mess up a good thing


Note that the OP said that it was AFTER he caught him on cheating/dating sites that she started to not want sex with him.


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## David51

EleGirl said:


> Note that the OP said that it was AFTER he caught him on cheating/dating sites that she started to not want sex with him.




Didn’t he deny that he was meeting women that the dating sight was just entertainment? I ask this as I often look at dating sites rather than hard core porn. It is fun for me and probably for him. I have been married to same woman for 30 years. Never cheated....maybe this guy hasn’t either


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl

David51 said:


> Didn’t he deny that he was meeting women that the dating sight was just entertainment? I ask this as I often look at dating sites rather than hard core porn. It is fun for me and probably for him. I have been married to same woman for 30 years. Never cheated....maybe this guy hasn’t either


LOL... people who cheat always lie about their intent and whether or not they have cheated. It would not matter to most people why their spouse on was on dating site. It's not entertainment... it's cheating or the pre-curser to cheating.

How would you feel about your wife going on a dating/cheating site to talk to men? 

I can tell you what most men on TAM would say about it if their wife did this.... 

The number of years you have been married have no bearing on whether or not going on dating/cheating sites is ok.


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## toblerone

ain't a damn person checking out dating sites unless they are looking to score, even if only in the back of their mind or as a fantasy.


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## survivorwife

EleGirl said:


> LOL... people who cheat always lie about their intent and whether or not they have cheated. It would not matter to most people why their spouse on was on dating site. It's not entertainment... it's cheating or the pre-curser to cheating.
> 
> How would you feel about your wife going on a dating/cheating site to talk to men?
> 
> I can tell you what most men on TAM would say about it if their wife did this....
> 
> The number of years you have been married have no bearing on whether or not going on dating/cheating sites is ok.


Exactly! I was (Note: "was") married for 30 years and divorced my ex for cheating. And yes, it all started with those dating sites that he frequented for "entertainment" (so he said). However, most dating sites encourage conversations between the parties - to get to know each other better.

So what I would be looking for is first, the "profile" he (or she) set up for themselves. Do they post their marital status, or do they pretend to be single. Do they use a picture of themselves or not? Do they communicate with any other member, by what means (email or phone/text), how many and how often? Those would be the "red flags" in which to determine their true intent.


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## toblerone

The intent is obvious. If they are checking dating sites, they're thinking about cheating. Whatever else they decide to do while there is all determined by how comfortable they are with themselves about cheating.


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## marriageontherocks2

The dating site was completely wrong. If there wasn't a history of infidelity and he was doing all the right things maybe it could be forgiven., but if you had no intention of trying to move past it you shouldn't have continued in the marriage. It doesn't sound from what I read that you were serious about moving forward. 2 years of him really trying and getting only anger, resentment, sex withheld is enough to break anyone.

He's likely moved on and is seeing someone else I'm sorry to say. Men (and probably women), can't go 2-3 years without love and sex and remain in the relationship.


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## Evinrude58

David51 said:


> Didn’t he deny that he was meeting women that the dating sight was just entertainment? I ask this as I often look at dating sites rather than hard core porn. It is fun for me and probably for him. I have been married to same woman for 30 years. Never cheated....maybe this guy hasn’t either
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


I don't even want to say what I think about this, other than I think it's not very smart, hurtful to your spouse in a million ways (crushing and divorce worthy to most).
Horrible, horrible idea and I'm shocked that your wife tolerates it. Really, you are playing with fire.

Of course, if he is getting sex and all needs met right now, you are right in that if he moves home--- things may not be like he wants. Right now he gets his wife, and whatever he wants on the side. He gets the best of both worlds.
I do agree with your first observation. 
I am with Elegirl on the dating site thing.....


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## 2ntnuf

I think, you work on yourself. You need greater self-esteem, first of all. I don't know that your counselor is correct. Yeah, that's a long time to hold a grudge and you can expect repercussions, because he probably didn't see it as such a big deal. It's okay for you to see it as a big deal. The problem was, you didn't work on forgiving or getting out of the marriage. You punished him. Consequences are different from punishment.

I didn't mean that as telling you off, I was just relating what I got from your post and saying what I would think if I was him. Also, I tried to let you know that I understand how you felt. It's tough to know what to do with those things that aren't blatant. 

So, I think, you can't just kowtow to him. You have to figure out who you are again. If he is seeing someone, well, it's tough to change that when you aren't together. I am not suggesting you get back together. I think he has some issues, too. 

If you want him back, I think you have to heal yourself and make yourself attractive, in such a way that he realizes you are a marketable commodity. I think you go out and live. Have fun and take care of you.

If he doesn't see you then, it's pretty much over. In the mean time, you will be getting stronger and healthier. Begging, pleading, or placating just lets him know you don't care what he does, you'll keep taking him back. 

I'm sorry you are going through this. It has to be tough.

Work on accepting what has happened and what is. You can't change the past. Own what happened. In other words, don't blame yourself, but accept that you did things that may have driven him away. You need to also accept that he did things which were wrong. He is not innocent. Who knows what else he was doing? Only he does.

Work on forgiving yourself through that acceptance and treating yourself better. Quit feeling sorry for yourself. When we can say out loud what we did and admit to it to others without guilt, we have grown. Sometimes, I think it takes admitting it to others before we can forgive ourselves and them. He is part of this, too. You both have to want to work on the marriage or you will waste your time and effort. 

Find another counselor, if you aren't growing with this one. I thought you were, by what I read, but you need to talk about this with your counselor, if you haven't. If you have, what does s/he say?


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## Mr The Other

David51 said:


> Didn’t he deny that he was meeting women that the dating sight was just entertainment? I ask this as I often look at dating sites rather than hard core porn. It is fun for me and probably for him. I have been married to same woman for 30 years. Never cheated....maybe this guy hasn’t either
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


This is an interesting possibility. 

It is stretching credibility, but the obvious solution is to log in. If there are no messages, this would make some sense.

However, I still think it is akin, even then, to a virtual EA. He (and you, if I might be so bold) seem to be indulging in the possibility of doing something, even if you are holding back from the actual act.


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