# Facebook and Marriage



## myriad (Oct 26, 2013)

How has having a facebook affected your marriage?
After a couple issues with this I have gradually shared more of my private messages with friends to my husband. Things I wrote to guy friends of mine and what they would say back. These were friends I had since high school and who don't even live in the same state as us, but they still say hello and since we do live in a tourist city most of them will make remarks about maybe coming to visit. My husband feels uncomfortable with the way they talk to me. 
Example: while talking about coming to visit and getting food and drinks he mentions if i don't want to drive i can leave my car at his hotel, i say if my H is working I'll leave it with him, then he offers we could always take a taxi if we drink.

^^^This was apparently suggestive. In my head he was offering me alternatives so I didn't have to drive, leave it at hotel and we'll get a different ride to the strip. made sense to me, i didn't think my old friend was hitting on me at all. besides im married and hes dating someone. ***HE READ ALL MESSAGES WHILE I WAS TALKING TO THEM AND HAS ALWAYS BEEN ABLE TO READ MY MESSAGES*** 

So many argumentative hours later I went through and deleted every friend of mine that was male just to keep this argument from coming up ALL THE TIME. I'm sick of it. Realizing shortly after, if I can't use this to keep up with my old friends then WTF is the point of having this? If everything I say or post can be misinterpreted and become a fight about NOTHING then why have it?! 
Right now I'm pretty much DONE with having it. During this argument about facebook he starts looking for opinions about whether or not couples should share passwords....


Should couples share passwords. In my opinion this is a horrible idea because ANYTHING spoken, written or said a year ago suddenly becomes this relevant conspiracy plot against them. Sure it isn't snooping because I gave you the password, but your mindset IS snooping for something, and it will find it whether it exists or not, even in a "hello :]" you could see something. 

so should couples share EVERYTHING especially when one is showing insecurity already? or would it just be cause for more problems.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

DH has access to everything if he wants. Facebook hasn't changed our relationship or made it challenging at all. 

There are a lot of people who aren't going to be ok w/their spouse having drinks with "an old friend" from high school who happens to be the opposite sex. Unless spouses can go along I don't see how this scenario would be good for any marriage.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

You ask if couple should share passwords? The answer is an unequivocal yes.



> Give your spouse all of your passwords, provide your spouse with your schedule, be available by cell phone throughout the day, and be willing to give a full account of everything you do and everywhere you go. Don't tolerate secrecy in your marriage.
> 
> Don't have close friends of the opposite sex. Your spouse should be your best and closest friend. And be sure that your spouse enthusiastically approves of the friends you do have.
> 
> ...


Snooping: Is it wrong? Or, is it the right thing to do in marriage? by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. - Marriage Builders®


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

It sounds like you and your husband have very different boundaries regarding social media and opposite sex friends. So, you're going to need to decide which is more important: your privacy and your male friends, or your husband and his comfort level. 

Me, personally? I don't think close opposite sex friends are a good idea. I wouldn't be okay with my spouse going out with an opposite sex friend unless I - of the OSF's spouse/partner - was going to be there. And I'm a huge believer in transparency, so my spouse would have complete access to all of my email, text, phone and social media accounts. I would expect to have the same level of access to theirs.

ETA: My having a Facebook page never caused any issues in my marriage at all. We had plenty of issues, don't get me wrong, but FB was never one of them.


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## myriad (Oct 26, 2013)

He was invited to come with us but A) he never comes with me when I invite him to, and then stays angry for days after I go out to the movies with a same sex friend. and B) he's got huge trust issues from the start, every woman he's been with has cheated him, he's so insecure and even when I shared my page and conversations with him trusting him to respect my friends and my feelings he instead uses this against me to create an argument. idk it just doesnt seem healthy, i'm trying to share but how am i supposed to do that when he attacks me with everything i share with him???


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

It hasn't affected us in the least. We each have access to the others account. We even read the others private message aloud to the other when one pops up. So, it's been a non issue.


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## myriad (Oct 26, 2013)

and thats also why i deleted all of them, like i said i'm tired of the implications he thinks he sees, i told him he's my best and only friend I NEED and he immeadiatly turned to his friend and said "i don't even care what she does anymore" I just told him he's my everything and I'd do whatever makes him feel better and THAT was his response


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

How old are the two of you?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Is this new? Wasn't he like this before you married? If not what's changed? If so why did you expect it to change?

Also a guy who has been cheated on. I wouldn't make my wife feel bad for sharing what's going on but I do expect 100% transparity. So yes cell phone, Facebook, computer passwords should be shared and will be in my future relationships.


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## myriad (Oct 26, 2013)

he's 33, i'm 21. and not the "i go out every night and get drunk" 21. the socially awkward I have a handful of hometown friends and 2 female coworkers that I sometimes go hang out with them and their kids kind of 21. I can't stand the thought of leaving my house 90% of the time. he's the it took me until 28 to start getting my life together kind.


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## damagedgoods1 (Nov 8, 2013)

myraid,
Google search "Facebook divorce" and you'll see a bunch of articles about how Facebook is 'named' or 'blamed' in 1/3 to 1/5th of divorces.
Go to a bookstore and you will find that there are now entire books written on Facebook and divorce, or how Facebook can be a threat to your marriage.

When I first saw all of this, I thought this was all completely ludicrous. Then I looked at the data, and realized how easy it was to talk to exes and people we shouldn't be talking to (how it starts out casually), and then gets more and more flirtatious.

Sorry, but I am on your husband's side on this one.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

-- Example: while talking about coming to visit and getting food and drinks he mentions if i don't want to drive i can leave my car at his hotel, i say if my H is working I'll leave it with him, then he offers we could always take a taxi if we drink.

^^^This was apparently suggestive. --

Ah, yeah. Highly suggestive. THAT, I would not be cool. You have to remember how a guy's mind works. We know how other guys are. So, we're always aware of someone trying to scam on our woman. Your H doesn't know this guy, so there's really only one way for him to take that kind of message.


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## myriad (Oct 26, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> Is this new? Wasn't he like this before you married? If not what's changed? If so why did you expect it to change?
> 
> Also a guy who has been cheated on. I wouldn't make my wife feel bad for sharing what's going on but I do expect 100% transparity. So yes cell phone, Facebook, computer passwords should be shared and will be in my future relationships.



i knew he had issues and could be controlling. He has my phone password and email, but facebook has always been mine and his has always been his. (to be clear HE has actually created a second account on facebook to look at his exes pictures and updates and when I told him this was inappropriate it took a lot of effort to get him to take it down.) i'm just trying to share(and i have a lot of issues with trusting men) and he just keeps using every little thing against me, idk how to open up to him without being hurt by it.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

myriad said:


> and thats also why i deleted all of them, like i said i'm tired of the implications he thinks he sees, i told him he's my best and only friend I NEED and he immeadiatly turned to his friend and said "i don't even care what she does anymore" I just told him he's my everything and I'd do whatever makes him feel better and THAT was his response


Curious: had he already read all of the messages before they were deleted, or did he find out later? You may have shot yourself in the foot there, and even if there was nothing bad in there, he may grow more suspect now.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

Thunder7 said:


> -- Example: while talking about coming to visit and getting food and drinks he mentions if i don't want to drive i can leave my car at his hotel, i say if my H is working I'll leave it with him, then he offers we could always take a taxi if we drink.
> 
> ^^^This was apparently suggestive. --
> 
> Ah, yeah. Highly suggestive. THAT, I would not be cool. You have to remember how a guy's mind works. We know how other guys are. So, we're always aware of someone trying to scam on our woman. Your H doesn't know this guy, so there's really only one way for him to take that kind of message.


come on OP.. you didnt think that was suggestive? flip the script. are you cool with that? (heres a hint, be honest with your answer)


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

myriad said:


> (to be clear HE has actually created a second account on facebook to look at his exes pictures and updates and when I told him this was inappropriate it took a lot of effort to get him to take it down.)


OH RLY? Well that's not playing fair.Is it possible he's doing something wrong under the radar and putting his guilt onto you?


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## myriad (Oct 26, 2013)

sh987 said:


> Curious: had he already read all of the messages before they were deleted, or did he find out later? You may have shot yourself in the foot there, and even if there was nothing bad in there, he may grow more suspect now.


i didn't delete the messages, he was reading them as i was talking to him. i deleted all my guy friends. the messages still exist in the inbox.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

myriad said:


> i knew he had issues and could be controlling. He has my phone password and email, but facebook has always been mine and his has always been his. (to be clear HE has actually created a second account on facebook to look at his exes pictures and updates and when I told him this was inappropriate it took a lot of effort to get him to take it down.) i'm just trying to share(and i have a lot of issues with trusting men) and he just keeps using every little thing against me, idk how to open up to him without being hurt by it.


Well then my suggestion would be you get all his password he gets all yours. Then you don't have to have discussions by sharing he can just go look for himself. 

Personally I don't like Facebook and rarely use it. People somehow get addicted which I never really understood. That being said when I'm with someone I don't want them to run everything by me. But the 100% open is needed.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I don't think it's just a facebook problem, those kinds of things would still be suspicious to some people in e-mail, texts, or talking on the phone. You shouldn't be saying anything you wouldn't want him to read or hear so it should be all open to each other anyway.

I would be very uncomfortable if I read about meeting/going back to his hotel for your car or getting drunk together. Some people are fine with OS friends being alone, even flirting. You're going to have to sit down and get on the same page about the boundaries in your relationship.


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## myriad (Oct 26, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> OH RLY? Well that's not playing fair.Is it possible he's doing something wrong under the radar and putting his guilt onto you?


he may be emotionally, but i would have no idea unless he said something. physically it's just not possible. he stays home literally all day, the most he does is watch a ton of porn(not an issue to me) but he may have something going on in his head about us or his ex or whatever, i can sometimes feel it when he won't hug me(and he has admitted this as the reason why on like 2 occasions when I ask him about it).


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

OP - you stated that you go to the movies with a male friend, that would never happen in my marriage. Way too intamant. That is a date.....


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

myriad said:


> Example: while talking about coming to visit and getting food and drinks he mentions if i don't want to drive i can leave my car at his hotel, i say if my H is working I'll leave it with him, then he offers we could always take a taxi if we drink.
> 
> ^^^This was apparently suggestive. In my head he was offering me alternatives so I didn't have to drive, leave it at hotel and we'll get a different ride to the strip. made sense to me, i didn't think my old friend was hitting on me at all. besides im married and hes dating someone.


I'm of the view that couples should share passwords .I think in your situation, things were misunderstood.
But I also think that misunderstandings can be easily sorted out if there is a background of trust.

Has anything happened in the past to cause your husband to mistrust?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Thunder7 said:


> -- Example: while talking about coming to visit and getting food and drinks he mentions if i don't want to drive i can leave my car at his hotel, i say if my H is working I'll leave it with him, then he offers we could always take a taxi if we drink.
> 
> ^^^This was apparently suggestive. --
> 
> Ah, yeah. Highly suggestive. THAT, I would not be cool. *You have to remember how a guy's mind works.* We know how other guys are. So, we're always aware of someone trying to scam on our woman. Your H doesn't know this guy, so there's really only one way for him to take that kind of message.


Not just guys, Thunder. It was suggestive to me, too. How this reads to me, a woman: I'll leave the car with my husband and I will be free to go to the hotel where you're staying, using the pretense that I can get a cab home.


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## myriad (Oct 26, 2013)

naiveonedave said:


> OP - you stated that you go to the movies with a male friend, that would never happen in my marriage. Way too intamant. That is a date.....


i said same sex friend. a female. we go see a movie maybe once a month, i go to her house and eat pizza, i take pictures the whole time and send them to my H so he knows where I am. and depending on how late it is I either sleep on the couch there or i go home


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

myriad said:


> he may be emotionally, but i would have no idea unless he said something. physically it's just not possible. he stays home literally all day, the most he does is watch a ton of porn(not an issue to me) but he may have something going on in his head about us or his ex or whatever, i can sometimes feel it when he won't hug me(and he has admitted this as the reason why on like 2 occasions when I ask him about it).


he stays at home all day? what does he do for a living? Seems he has an awful lot of idle time on his hands to dwell and search for things that aren't really there. 

But you have to do your part too and make sure you're not doing anything to cast suspicion.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

myriad said:


> i said same sex friend. a female. we go see a movie maybe once a month, i go to her house and eat pizza, i take pictures the whole time and send them to my H so he knows where I am. and depending on how late it is I either sleep on the couch there or i go home


Does he require you to do that or you just do it to ease his mind? Sounds very dysfunctional to me. Have you guys considered counseling?


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> Not just guys, Thunder. It was suggestive to me, too. How this reads to me, a woman: I'll leave the car with my husband and I will be free to go to the hotel where you're staying, using the pretense that I can get a cab home.


Point well taken. You are correct.


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## DoktorFun (Feb 25, 2014)

sh987 said:


> You ask if couple should share passwords? *The answer is an unequivocal yes.*
> 
> 
> 
> Snooping: Is it wrong? Or, is it the right thing to do in marriage? by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. - Marriage Builders®




:iagree:


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## myriad (Oct 26, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Does he require you to do that or you just do it to ease his mind? Sounds very dysfunctional to me. Have you guys considered counseling?


he used to work a good part time job but when we moved again he hasn't had any luck getting a job in his career feild so he has just been at home collecting unemployment and putting in job applications. I keep telling him he will feel better once he is back out working and meeting people and staying busy.
as far as the pictures go, this is what he says "i never said you had to do that" but this is what happens if I don't "how do I know you are where you say you are, how do i know you aren't going to some dudes house, how do i know..." So i send him pictures of my friend and me eating or watching tv or going to the store. its better than the argument that would happen if i didn't. we've done counseling, but he doesnt ever stay, he needs it for other reasons than just this relationship, i think if he solved his insecurities we could do better and i could trust my feelings with him, but as it stands he uses them against me instead of being kind to the trust I give him


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

wow ok he REALLY needs counseling. Could it be the fact that you're 21 and he's 33? Maybe that's playing on his insecurities too.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> DH has access to everything if he wants. Facebook hasn't changed our relationship or made it challenging at all.
> 
> There are a lot of people who aren't going to be ok w/their spouse having drinks with "an old friend" from high school who happens to be the opposite sex. Unless spouses can go along I don't see how this scenario would be good for any marriage.


It's true. If you have to do it behind your spouses back it is over the line or coming damn close.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Tell ya what. Facebook came THIS close to ending my 17 year marriage, and it was only through some pointed, serious "confrontations" that it got (at least so far) resolved.

Your husband wants to be your "one and only" in every single way. He probably feels completely betrayed, and that your relationship with the OM means more to you than his does. I can speak firsthand of how betrayed a guy feels by FB chatter.

It sounds like you two CAN work this out, but it's going to mean NOT hiding things or keeping secrets. It also might mean him getting a JOB and getting along with HIS life...


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## myriad (Oct 26, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> wow ok he REALLY needs counseling. Could it be the fact that you're 21 and he's 33? Maybe that's playing on his insecurities too.


probably. mainly when it comes to me going out and having friends. he thinks because of my age he is holding me back, that i should be out partying or what-have-you with people my own age, but i'm much more content with my older female friends just going to their place and sitting around talking. he doesn't believe me though which is why he thinks i'm always doing other things


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

lonelyhusband321 said:


> Tell ya what. Facebook came THIS close to ending my 17 year marriage, and it was only through some pointed, serious "confrontations" that it got (at least so far) resolved.
> 
> Your husband wants to be your "one and only" in every single way. He probably feels completely betrayed, and that your relationship with the OM means more to you than his does. I can speak firsthand of how betrayed a guy feels by FB chatter.
> 
> It sounds like you two CAN work this out, but it's going to mean NOT hiding things or keeping secrets. It also might mean him getting a JOB and getting along with HIS life...


Thing about it, is inappropriate communication has been occuring before christ, and with the same implied reasons. Friends who still would bang the wife, and the wife wants to be naughty and talk a big game, wants to still be "cool" to the friends.

Over time and through complaining on the husband her and the "friend" grow closer and at some time she may even let him mount her. They keep the husband in the dark. So now the primary secret is between the wife and the "friend", while the husband is a mere prop in her life, something to be observed.

Happens all the damn time.

Easy way around it is to not allow inappropriate conversation, even if you where friends like that. If guy wants to come in town and see you let the husband know, let the guy visit you guys at the house or husband come and do an activity with him, since there really is nothing to hide.

Husband doesn't over react when there is inappropriate convo on FB, he reacts properly, because he was hurt.

It's the same if a male was doing it to a female.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

You know, Its not Facebook that is the problem.

Your always hearing about how bad Facebook is, People deactivating their accounts, moaning and groaning about how bad it is when really its not Facebook that is the problem, its how you use it and what your doing on there.

Your always hearing "its ruining peoples marriages" "somebody's partner is PM this person and that person" but you as a person knows what is appropriate or not, and what would piss your partner off.

For me my husband has not got my password, but its there to look at if he wanted to, but he has no reason because if i receive a message i will tell him..... If i got a message he would not like i would also tell him.

To be honest with you if my hubby saw a message about getting drinks and leaving the car at some guys hotel he would flip out, but that is just him, he would find this inappropriate me going for drinks with another male friend.

Like i say its not Facebook that is the problem, Its how you use it and what your doing on there.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Myriad-

We all have insecurities...I wouldn't throw him under the bus so readily based on this....

It appears you are unconscious to the fact that this male friend gave inappropriate solutions for you, being that you are married. No married woman should meet an opposite sex friend at a hotel. No way should you "plan" on drinking to the point where you could not drive. 

I used to be this unconscious....and my husband had every right to be insecure, because My unconsciousness meant I did not enforce appropriate boundaries. 

Thank goodness I had enough sense to hear my husband's plea for consideration and respect beyond his insecurities...

I don't think it's fair to generalize this as controlling...it doesn't sound like he has stopped you in the past....but he is trying to tell you how he feels (albeit imperfectly).... 

My suggestion is to talk with him about what types a friendships/activities are appropriate for your relationship.

This is merely a communication issue between you and your husband.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

sh987 said:


> You ask if couple should share passwords? The answer is an unequivocal yes.
> 
> 
> 
> Snooping: Is it wrong? Or, is it the right thing to do in marriage? by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. - Marriage Builders®


ABSOLUTELY..:iagree:


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Let me make sure I am reading this correct. You are a married woman who...

1) Is going out with a man alone with him?
2) Is going out drinking with him?
3) Is going to drink sufficient quantities of alcohol to warrant not driving?
4) Is meeting him at a hotel?


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Let me make sure I am reading this correct. You are a married woman who...
> 
> 1) Is going out with a man alone with him?
> 2) Is going out drinking with him?
> ...


^^^ All of the above. My hubby would HATE all of them, but i would not even think about doing them, but that is just me.

I would not like to tell you what my husband would say if he saw a PM with this content, and to be honest, I would not like to tell you what i would say if i saw them on his either..... Its not appropriate in our relationship, but i suppose were all different.


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## DoktorFun (Feb 25, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> Let me make sure I am reading this correct. You are a married woman who...
> 
> 1) Is going out with a man alone with him?
> 2) Is going out drinking with him?
> ...


:smthumbup:

Ding! Ding! Winner, Winner chickens dinner!


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## Johnn (Jan 29, 2014)

OP, I think you have some maturing to do in the relationship department. Married women don't go meeting men at hotels for drinks. NOT cool. I'd be pissed if I was your husband and read that message. You need to set some boundaries for yourself.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> Let me make sure I am reading this correct. You are a married woman who...
> 
> 1) Is going out with a man alone with him?
> 2) Is going out drinking with him?
> ...


Tourist city and going to the strip makes me think its las vegas just as a bonus!

OP
#1 activity on my list is called going on a date. No my wife is not allowed to go on dates. Neither am i. 
#2 and 3 is just extra fuel.
#4. Just Short circuits my neandrathal male brain.

These are all high risk activities. I cant believe he is good with just #1.

Go to the top of this page
Select community
Select letter h
Go till you find poster 'hard to detach'
Select him
Hit his profile
Select threads started by poster hard to detach.

You wont really have to read much past the first post to see why even number one is a giant problem... And they met at a coffee shop.

Fwiw my wife messages exactly one male besides me. I know him. He is certified 100% gay and 400 miles away. And mrs weightlifter is on my facebook more than i am.

Yet she still had an email EA with an ex...


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

IMHO, the age difference in this marriage is too great to start. Factor in the notion that the OP's husband has been cheated on - several times by several different women - and it becomes a hot mess. If there are no kids, I think it may be within the OP's best interest to end this marriage. The husband is a broken person. He 1) consumes A LOT of porn, 2) jobless, 3) FB stalks his exes, 4) Assumes his wife is cheating on him every time she leaves the house and 5) does not try to be social or go on dates with his wife.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

If OP's H has been cheated on....and she knew that going in, then it's on HER to keep that in mind. In that case, then YES... you should be totally transparent. 

Transparency should be mandatory in any relationship tho. My H would not have a problem w/ me meeting old male friends.... because we are transparent. So I know what he says to old female friends, as well as his ex W...and he knows what I talk about with old male friends (seems like mine are all from elementary school...NOT a threat) .... as well as my ex. 

The KEY... is communication AND transparency. You should go ahead and offer up all your passwords,and he should do the same. IF either of you are hesitant to do this, then you NEED marriage counseling to figure out why you won't share with the ONE person who is supposed to "be there" forever with you!!!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I wrote this in response to a gentleman whose W had reconnected with an old flame on FB, and it shows how a FB affair can start:

Right now, the conversations may very well be innocent, catching up on old times sort of thing, but soon, the conversations can morph into:

Their lives since they parted 
Their relationships since they parted
Their families
Their spouses
You
How you're an excellent father
How you're a great husband
How you're a wonderful guy
Your job
How your job keeps you busy
How your job keeps you away
How she sometimes feels lonely when you're away
How she sometimes feels a little taken for granted at home
How she sometimes feels a little overburdened
How she feels that you don't ALWAYS listen to her
How she feels that you don't ALWAYS understand her
How she sometimes feels like you're not there for her
How...okay, you're not ALWAYS such a wonderful guy
How she loved hearing from him again
How she loves talking to him again
How she looks forward to his calls/texts/e-mails now
How she feels young again
How she feels appreciated again
How she feels attractive again
How it's been so, so long since you made her feel that way
How her eyes have now been opened
How she now realizes what she truly wants and needs
How she now realizes that you can't give her that
How she now realizes that she "settled" for you
How insensitive you can be sometimes
How you can be a real jerk sometimes
How she wonders if they would have stayed together
How she now realizes that she never really loved you
How she now realizes that she really loved him all along
How she ever could have fallen for a jerk like you
How you're the biggest a**hole she's ever known
How you're standing in the way of her true happiness
How you ruined her life
How she made a big mistake marrying you
How she made an even bigger mistake letting him go
How they were really meant to be together
How she desperately has to get away from you
How she's definitely going to leave you
How she's been talking to divorce lawyers
How they're going to live happily ever after...

...get the picture?

This is probably the scenario that your H is imagining. When he feels betrayed, he is probably thinking the worst...

...I know that I would.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

F-102 said:


> I wrote this in response to a gentleman whose W had reconnected with an old flame on FB, and it shows how a FB affair can start:
> 
> Right now, the conversations may very well be innocent, catching up on old times sort of thing, but soon, the conversations can morph into:
> 
> ...


:iagree:Absolutely, positively 100% spot on!!


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

SunnyT said:


> If OP's H has been cheated on....and she knew that going in, then it's on HER to keep that in mind. In that case, then YES... you should be totally transparent.
> 
> Transparency should be mandatory in any relationship tho. My H would not have a problem w/ me meeting old male friends.... because we are transparent. So I know what he says to old female friends, as well as his ex W...and he knows what I talk about with old male friends (seems like mine are all from elementary school...NOT a threat) .... as well as my ex.
> 
> The KEY... is communication AND transparency. You should go ahead and offer up all your passwords,and he should do the same. IF either of you are hesitant to do this, then you NEED marriage counseling to figure out why you won't share with the ONE person who is supposed to "be there" forever with you!!!


:iagree:Honesty, openness, communication and transparency - THE formula!!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

It's not FB here that's the problem. Hubby and I are both on FB, both have access to each other's stuff. Not long ago I got an inappropriate message from a male friend, he was saying things like "I wish I was married to you...I wish I could be with you" blah blah blah. I showed my husband straight away, he saw both my reply stating how inappropriate it was for this friend to start that kind of convo with me, and then I deleted and blocked him.

I showed my husband straight away so that there would be no chance of misunderstandings later - he knows that I did nothing to encourage this man and that I took the appropriate action. 

I think this is a combination of life inexperience (yours), a big age difference (that wouldn't matter in 10 years time but it does now) and a broken, insecure man.

Your husband is very insecure, and has a colossal cheek to be so when he started a secret FB account to perve on an ex! Wtf???

He needs counselling on his own, and then the two of you should go together.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> Let me make sure I am reading this correct. You are a married woman who...
> 
> 1) Is going out with a man alone with him?
> 2) Is going out drinking with him?
> ...


What HE said....


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

I love FB, it's where I go to get my daily does of cute animal videos, catch up on the news & see how much better my life is than the mean girls I went to HS with. 
Just kidding on the last one, but my point is I only "socialize" with a very few select friends on FB, mostly because I now live so far away from them & we all have very busy lives. 
My H was on FB while he was deployed to see how life was here back in the states, since he got home he hasn't been back on.

FB is what YOU make of it, if you go looking for trouble, YOU will find it.
It's no different for trolling for a piece in real life, if you have issues & want to cheat, you're going to find a way to do it.
FB has only been around for 10 years, cheating has been going since after Eve gave Adam that apple. 
To blame it for your relationship woes is just making it into a scapegoat.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

I post stuff like family days out and what some of my more insane customers try to pull. Its fun and I get to see what family and friends are up to. Then again we are talking maybe 40 posts a year.

Plus my friends can be constantly reminded how much better looking I am than they are!

#anyone wanna date?
#creepy stare.
#drool
#guessing OP left the house.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

FB is just an easy avenue for a player or an ex to weasle in, allowing them to form a relationship where none should exist. It comes back to openness, boundaries, etc.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

melw74 said:


> You know, Its not Facebook that is the problem.
> 
> Your always hearing about how bad Facebook is, People deactivating their accounts, moaning and groaning about how bad it is when really its not Facebook that is the problem, its how you use it and what your doing on there.
> 
> ...



Absolute TRUTH. It's kind of like guns. They're fine for what they're fine for, but absolutely lethal in the wrong hands.

For some, it's keeping in contact with friends and relatives. For others, it's all aboug bragging. Then there's the kind that wind up with their lives posted here......


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

My husband and I both use Facebook, mostly to keep in touch with family. We have a 7 month old, so they want to see pictures. Plus his family moved out of state, so it's easier to connect with them that way. 

We both have each other's passwords(not just to facebook, but email, linkedin, accounts, etc.) and have not had any issues. I would find it weird if he didn't want to be open with me and share everything(and vice versa). We also have boundaries set up for our marriage(no one on one with someone of the opposite sex, etc.). 

OP, I would never be okay with my husband doing what you were planning to do. To go alone with a person of the opposite sex, drink a sufficient amount of alcohol, and meet at a hotel?! No way. Facebook isn't a problem, it's what you are doing.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

I would not be okay with my H going out with female friends at all. I don't go out with male friends.

He also shouldn't have a second Facebook account to keep up with female friends. He is being deceitful which would make me question how much I could trust him.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

naiveonedave said:


> FB is just an easy avenue for a player or an ex to weasle in, allowing them to form a relationship where none should exist.


As is gaming or any other venue which encourages social contact. Even forums have that potential... and it DOES happen. Even on TAM.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> As is gaming or any other venue which *encourages social contact*. Even forums have that potential... and it DOES happen. Even on TAM.


Yep...or work, church, playing team sports, book clubs, baby play groups. You name it, if there are 2 or more people involved, ANY type of setting can be used to cheat. It's not the social content, it's the people involved. People get too caught up in thinking that if a venue is not a "traditional" avenue to cheat, i.e, a bar or club, then they're safe from their SO cheating. That's not true at all, if there's a will, there IS a way.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Facebook didn't end my marriage - but I think it accelerated its demise.


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