# abnormal intimacy?



## wondering.1984 (Jul 13, 2010)

Hai all,

I got married to this wonderful man 1 and a half years ago after a 5 year courtship. I am madly in love with him and he loves me dearly. It was not until I got married and moved in with his parents that I knew of certain disturbing trends. His mother is good to me for sure. I cannot deny that.

But I am not sure if the following is normal between a mother and son:

1. Son who is 30 years old but kisses mother on her lips?
2. Whacks her butt?
3. Sleeps with with head resting on his mother's waist,abdomen,back and even bosom?
4. Eats from the same plate?

My husband wont take me out alone anywhere. His mom has to accompany us where ever we go(Even for a late night romantic movie). She would ask her son to lie down beside her at night.

And deeply disturbed. It has started to take a toll on my health. I have lost weight. I cannot concentrate on work. When am away with work and when mother in law and husband are left alone at home, the only thought that comes is-'what posture are they both in'

I have never even hinted at him how it affects me. Am afraid he would blame me for doubting something as normal and 'divine' as mother-child relationship.

My husband wants to prove to his mother that he has not changed one bit after marriage. Now he lives with his mother in his hometown and I live in another city in a hostel. He makes no attempt to meet me leave alone live with me.

Please help. Am at the verge of a breakdown. Should I take him to a counsellor or do I need counselling?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Most definitely a mummy’s boy. His mother never did cut the apron strings, looks like she’s cast them in steel. It’ll be a way of life for him now, a self image he’ll not change. Very few do but it’s their choice and they need counselling about “normal” behaviour. My son is so deeply linked to his mother it’s very sad to see the deep impact it’s had on his life. But my son will never see it and his mother wont cut the apron strings and tell him to get on with his own life. You may want to take a look at Emotional Incest & The Little Prince: Telephone Coaching and see if some of the symptoms fit his mo.

Hope it helps

Bob


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## wondering.1984 (Jul 13, 2010)

yes Bob..checked that one out long back..
I need to find a solution for this..should he be corrected or should I adapt to this? this has made me sick already..


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I don't think you should adapt. It is definitely too much. I have 2 sons myself, ages 9 & 6. And while I hope that we will remain close even after they are grown, married, have kids of their own, what you describe goes far beyond being close. The touching alone is inappropriate, the kind that should be done between a husband and wife (or at the very least, boyfriend and girlfriend), not mother and son. I don't know that I'd go so far as to say that there's any actual incest going on, but they definitely don't have those boundaries drawn that should be there. 

You say you've never said anything to him about this, out of fear of his reaction. First step: tell him. You don't have to necessarily be accusatory or anything, just tell him, "Hey, this is what I see, and honestly, honey, it bothers me. It seems highly inappropriate to me. What do you think?" See what he says. He may never have even noticed, and once you point it out to him, he may put a stop to it on his own. If he doesn't see it as an issue, even after you point it out to him, then you decide if you want to keep trying to get him to see the light or if you want to just get out. If he doesn't see it as a problem, I doubt that will ever change without serious counseling, which he'd never do if he doesn't think it's a problem.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Hi Wondering,
My son once told me the only woman he wants in his life is his mother. He was around 22 at the time, he’s now 34. At various times they have actually planned to live together, my wife is now 58. The way what he said came over, his expression and the emotions he showed, it was just like he was another man, not my son, competing with me for my wife’s love. My instinct, had it not been my son, was to hit him and throw him out of my house. I don’t believe for one second they have a sexual affair, but everything else is there especially the deep emotional intimacy. Neither of them appear to know just how deeply they are emotionally manipulated and controlled by the other. It is very seriously dysfunctional and has done my son an enormous amount of harm. My wife’s mother did the same thing with her two sons, so it’s bulk standard mo for my wife.

But it is a way of life for them both and they cannot see anything at all wrong with it. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it. If I try they gang up on me and they become even closer. I decided to look after myself and stay away from them both. My son knows my door is open but I’ve let him know there is a very serious problem I have with him and that should he wish to be my friend we will need counselling for that to happen and it will take a while.

Personally I don’t think there is anything you can do. You ask “Should he be corrected?”. How? He is in love with his mother. His mother is the OW in your marriage, just as though she was a neighbour, an old school girlfriend, someone he met 6 months ago. You can’t “correct” people qed. Now if he wanted to correct himself then he’s off on a very deep and very painful journey. But he’s got to have a very powerful and very deep “want” for that to happen.

“Should you adapt to it?”. Adapt to what? Living with your husband and the woman he’s having an affair with? If you do that you will always be a very far behind “second” in your marriage and that would have such a negative effect on both your spirit and your soul.

Surely you owe it to your future happiness to stay out, discover why you fell in love with a mummy’s boy so that it never happens again. Millions of seriously good men out there who want a wife and family and who will naturally put their wife first. Those men aren’t mummy’s boys.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

My youngest son has many female friends. But that’s what they are and that’s what they stay. The women in my son’s life never become lovers. I’ve been with him and some of the women. I can see it in their eyes and body language that they want to be “more than a friend”. I’ve seen them try and get through to him, it just doesn’t work. He makes them laugh and feel good, but to my son they are like sisters. Emotionally he’s “not in” for them and just doesn’t seem to have that “urge”, the one that initiates love making. It’s just not there. Deep emotional intimacy, that’s reserved for that very special person in his life, his mother. This stuff starts at an exceptionally young age and just becomes a way of life for them. It is their MO.

I so wish it were different but it isn’t. My elder son is totally the opposite, neither a mummy or a daddy’s boy. He is his own man.


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