# Lost and Confused



## hopeful078 (Apr 19, 2011)

I am new to posting on this (or any other, for that matter) forum. I have spent a lot of time recently reading through your stories and appreciate that there are others out there experiencing the same things I have been. I hope my story doesn’t end up being too long but welcome any comments or suggestions any of you may have. My family tells me I will be better off without my husband but none of them have ever been in my situation. They also will not be affected the way my son or I will should I proceed with a divorce.

Now for my story – I have been married for nearly 17 years and have a son who will be turning 18 in July. My husband is an alcoholic. Although he has never been physically abusive, he has proven to be unreliable, untruthful and irresponsible. About 6 or so years into our marriage, he would disappear (usually not more than a day) without any regard for me or our son. I believe these disappearances were alcohol related (he wanted to go drinking with his friends). I threatened to leave him and we even sold our home so I could move closer to my family for support. He ended up moving with us and swore he would change.

I don’t know that he ever changed but he started hiding things more. I would suspect that he had been drinking but if I confronted him he would just get angry and say that I never believed him. I stopped confronting him. We lived like that for years and because I loved him and wanted desperately for things to get better I stayed. I supported him through alcohol related accidents, a DUI, losing his job and the long process of searching for another one. I WANTED to be there for him and wanted him to be happy but I’m not sure he ever was.

I thought things would be better after he lost his job, got drunk and threatened to commit suicide. He started going to counseling and I tried to be there for him. He went through a couple of jobs that he disliked and found one that seemed to be a blessing. Turns out, it wasn’t.

He works on third shift and I work a regular 8-5 job so we only have time together on weekdays between 5 and 10 and on the weekends. He ended up working a lot of overtime (weekends) and, during the week, got back into the habit of staying up when he got home in the morning (to drink) and sleeping until it was time to go to work. We ended up spending very little time together. About a month ago, I found out he has been having a relationship with a divorced woman he met at work. He claims they are only friends but has also made comments which indicate at least she wants more. He spends a lot of time on the phone with her, has been to her house (they drink together) and has even had her over to our house while I was at work.

He has repeatedly said he wants to stop drinking and would stop talking to her but each time I believe him, he is either at her house or on the phone with her. He says that she is easy to talk to and he “likes” her. He is always telling me he loves me, that he wants to make it work and can’t imagine life without me. His actions, however, tell me something different. I don’t understand why he keeps begging me not leave but a day later (or even hours later) he is drinking and spending time with this other woman. If he valued his marriage, wouldn’t he stop?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

hopeful078 said:


> He spends a lot of time on the phone with her, has been to her house (they drink together) *and has even had her over to our house while I was at work.*?



No way, Jose. That stops immediately. She does NOT get to come into your house, you dig? You need to tell him it stops. 



hopeful078 said:


> He has repeatedly said he wants to stop drinking and would stop talking to her but each time I believe him, he is either at her house or on the phone with her. He says that she is easy to talk to and he “likes” her. He is always telling me he loves me, that he wants to make it work and can’t imagine life without me. His actions, however, tell me something different. I don’t understand why he keeps begging me not leave but a day later (or even hours later) he is drinking and spending time with this other woman. *If he valued his marriage, wouldn’t he stop*?


If he valued your marriage, he would cut off all contact with her, no questions asked.

So you need to tell him STRAIGHT UP: it's the affair or me. And if he waffles or is confused or doesn't know what to do, you set a hard boundary and stick to it. 

There are a lot of other issues here: irresponsibility, affair, and alcoholism. 

You have a child to think about, first and foremost.

Get tested for STDs soon.


----------



## hopeful078 (Apr 19, 2011)

Thanks for the response Jellybeans. I agree completely about having a child to think about. Even though he is 17, it still breaks my heart when he talks about not being able to count on his dad.

I have told both him and the other woman (texted her using his phone) that she is never to come into my house again (at least not while I still live there). He has apologized for doing something that disrespectful and swears it will never happen again.

I am trying to follow the 180 rules. I have been looking for apartments and trying to find things to keep myself busy. It is really hard though because I have never been the type of person that goes out and does things. All of my free time was spent with my family and that is the way I liked it.


----------



## paperclip (Feb 24, 2011)

> I am trying to follow the 180 rules. I have been looking for apartments and trying to find things to keep myself busy. It is really hard though because I have never been the type of person that goes out and does things. All of my free time was spent with my family and that is the way I liked it.


Do NOT move out. If he wants the new life, He is moving... If you move out, he will just have the OW in your house.


----------



## hopeful078 (Apr 19, 2011)

His having the OW in my house is something that makes me sick to my stomach. Unfortunately, I don't make enough to cover the cost of living there without him.


----------



## Sas581011 (Mar 27, 2011)

Hopeful, I really feel for you, my W separated my 2 months ago because of many
problems but mainly because of my drinking. I was irresposible, lazy and although
not abusive in anyway just completely in my own little ****ty world. She moved and
I found an appartment. Only difference here is that i have no affair involved.

The reason he relates to her so well is because they both have the same negative
mind set, let me tell you the root is the alcohol, i have been clean ever since my 
wife left me but i've done it for me. No H will stop to please his family, I know it's 
sick but it's the truth. 

I stopped for 7 years and only started again recently because i believed it was a fair
escape route which it wasn't. I was always home, i was a stay home alcoholic. No 
affection from me towards W and likewise. The truth be know is you will know when 
he is serious, my W looks at me differently now, like a man, a provider and a good
father. She might not be ready now but i'm not crossing my fingers, she deserves her
choice of happiness.

If he can't stop drinking he will not stop seeing OW, I can promise you that, you have 
to kick he's a** out the house and let him start thinking, trust me he will either get worse
or he will man up and take resposibility for his actions and get help.

I wish you luck, just thought i'd share cause i know how a alcoholic thinks and reacts.
He does love you I can promise but he doesn't love himself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

hopeful078 said:


> Even though he is 17, it still breaks my heart when he talks about not being able to count on his dad.


I read your post first as your son being 8. It doesn't matter though. he is your child and you are his role model so you need to put your game face on and show him you are a respectable woman who isn't going to put up with BS. 

The OW is a slag. I cannot at all imagine going into a married man's home and "hanging" with him under the pretext of having an affair. It's a whole new level of "ew." It's crass and she is a waste of space. So is he if he even entertained the thought it was ok to bring some broad into the MARITAL HOME. 



hopeful078 said:


> I am trying to follow the 180 rules. It is really hard though because I have never been the type of person that goes out and does things. All of my free time was spent with my family and that is the way I liked it.


That in itself can be your 180. Start going out and doing things for you! 



paperclip said:


> Do NOT move out. If he wants the new life, He is moving... If you move out, he will just have the OW in your house.


I agree on not moving out. It should be done as a last resort. If he wants his affair, he can get the heck out. In my case, i was the one to move out but my hub was emotionally abusive and I couldn't even sleep at night anymore w/ one eye open and crying.


----------

