# It can get better



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I've posted before that I'm the HD in a HD/LD marriage. 

A while back I again let my wife know that I was unhappy with our sex life. Since then she has been making a real attempt and its seems to work - much more frequent sex and more variety. 

The thing is, she seems to be enjoy it as well - initiating frequently. Outside the bedroom we are both affectionate again. We're currently on a nice romantic vacation in the tropics.


Still I worry. This has happened twice before. Things are great for a while, then the sex life slowly dwindles, and with it all the other affection and intimacy.


So for people in this situation its possible for things to get better - if only you can figure out how to keep them that way.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Good to hear Richard. Hopefully this will be a very long term improvement for you and your wife.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Cool beans!!!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> if only you can figure out how to keep them that way.


Generally speaking it is a cycle of curiosity coupled with motivation. So you have to ask "what makes her curious" and "what motivates her." THEN you have to ask yourself if it is just:

Curiosity: A husband will be happier with more sex?
Motivation: A desire to see him happy. 

How do you keep her "curiosity" going once that problem seems to solve itself? How do you get her curious about her own pleasures?

Badsants


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> if only you can figure out how to keep them that way.


First Congratulations. Cruise ship sex is quite famous!

There are two issues implicit in the question your raise. 

The fist is that as time moves forward we and our spouse change, sometimes differently and that change creates tensions in our marriage that surfaces as sex relationship problems. This is a situation where sex is the symptom not the underlying problem. What our sex therapist told my wife is that when you are angry at your husband you certainly don't want to have sex with him. So unless one is into make-up sex, tensions that lead to anger can create a downward path of less enjoyable sex.

The other issue is how do you "cement" a change so you don't fall back on old habits. This is more of a question of doing sufficient "conditioning" so that the old habits are buried and unlearned. This is why I like "rituals." 

My rituals with my wife are to make her feel very loved in her love languages first thing in the morning and then again at night. That way she feels loved and cherished when we wake up and are in bed together and just before we go to bed together. I really believe that these rituals makes it much easier for her to feel like making love with me.

Again, keep up the good work.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> A while back I again let my wife know that I was unhappy with our sex life. Since then she has been making a real attempt and its seems to work - much more frequent sex and more variety.
> 
> The thing is, she seems to be enjoy it as well - initiating frequently. Outside the bedroom we are both affectionate again. We're currently on a nice romantic vacation in the tropics.


This is awesome, richard.

I don't know if you remember, but I have advised you before to bring up the topic of your unhappiness, and *keep* bringing it up as necessary.

I think you took me to mean be a whiny nag about it. But that is not what I meant. I look at it more like that sex needs to be a natural and easy discussion, and something like "hey baby, I'm missing out on the more frequent sex lately" if the sex drops off, should be as easy to say as "hey baby, I think we need to take the car in for a tune up".

Don't be afraid to tactfully bring this up *as often as necessary*. 

If you say it in the right way with no resentment behind it, just openness and honesty, she will likely respond how she is responding now.

I understand it is hard to keep bringing it up and that you and most HD spouses here would much rather have their LD partner's switch just get flipped and you'd have them running after you for sex, for a change. But you hopefully have accepted, that is not who you married.

You love her, you want her, so you will always have to be the one to keep the fire lit in whatever way you have to.

But as you can see...it WORKS in your case. 

Just don't let the fire go out this time. Stoke it by assertively getting your needs met in whatever way you can or need to. She will respond, just trust her and use this time you are having with her right now to remind you that this can happen again and again. As long as you keep lighting the fire.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

richardsharpe said:


> So for people in this situation its possible for things to get better - if only you can figure out how to keep them that way.


Richard, congratulations on your success and yes, it is sustainable. I won't drag up my post from 2012 again, I've done that enough lately (and I don't really feel like dealing with a bunch of dumb-assed PMs using words like knuckle dragger, controlling ass and the like). 

I won't dwell on how we got the sex life kick-started but rather how we've sustained it. Communication and empathy. It's about understanding and honoring each others needs. My wife understands that my need for sex is much deeper that just getting laid. It's about feeling fulfilled in the marriage, loved and appreciated. What she used to perceive a juvenile reaction when I would withdraw after repeated rejections, she now understands as me feeling unloved, unwanted and disrespected. Simply put, my wife was not respecting my needs in the marriage. Sexual and physical intimacy is central to my happiness in marriage. She now understands and is empathetic to it, just as I am to the things that are so important to her to be happy. 

It's checks and balances for us. Making sure we are both happy and secure in the marriage and if we get out of synch, we address it together.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Just don't let the fire go out this time. Stoke it by assertively getting your needs met in whatever way you can or need to. She will respond, just trust her and use this time you are having with her right now to remind you that this can happen again and again. As long as you keep lighting the fire.


QFT.

You've got to keep adding fuel to the fire. In addition to being assertive about the sex, from time to time maybe tell her how much happier you've been with the relationship lately--not just the sex. She can put two and two together.


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I've posted before that I'm the HD in a HD/LD marriage.
> 
> A while back I again let my wife know that I was unhappy with our sex life. Since then she has been making a real attempt and its seems to work - much more frequent sex and more variety.
> ...


Do you do sentimental things outside of your physical relationship?


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I've posted before that I'm the HD in a HD/LD marriage.
> 
> A while back I again let my wife know that I was unhappy with our sex life. Since then she has been making a real attempt and its seems to work - much more frequent sex and more variety.
> ...


I think the key is to NEVER again appear needy to her (regarding sex)
She WILL turn you down sooner or later. Next time and every single time thereafter, take it in stride and show NO resentment whatsoever. Now that you are getting some good sex, it will be easier for you to do this. Keep it on this razor edge and you'll be just fine:grin2:


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

good evening
if by sentimental you mean what I think of as "romantic", then yes. Right now we are in vacation in Bora Bora, in a cabin over the water (which is why I haven't posted much recently). I bring her flowers, we go out for romantic dinners, take walks together etc. 




ihatethis said:


> Do you do sentimental things outside of your physical relationship?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
at least in the past, if I just ignored being turned down, it would become less and less frequent until we would go months without sex. 




UMP said:


> I think the key is to NEVER again appear needy to her (regarding sex)
> She WILL turn you down sooner or later. Next time and every single time thereafter, take it in stride and show NO resentment whatsoever. Now that you are getting some good sex, it will be easier for you to do this. Keep it on this razor edge and you'll be just fine:grin2:


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> at least in the past, if I just ignored being turned down, it would become less and less frequent until we would go months without sex.


I did not say "ignore" I said do not become resentful.
Such is the "razor" edge you must dance on. :smile2:


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> ...from time to time maybe tell her how much happier you've been with the relationship lately--not just the sex. She can put two and two together.


I really do want to love this optimistic sentiment! And for a lot of people, it may work just like that. But I don't think it works that way for lots of people who end up at this site.

Words of Eugene O'Neill might better fit the TAM demographic,

"...I suppose life has made him like that, and he can't help it. None of us can help the things life has done to us. They're done before you realize it, and once they're done they make you do other things until at last everything comes between you and what you'd like to be, and you've lost your true self forever."

"The man was dead and so he had to kill the thing he loved. That's what it ought to be. The dead part of me hopes you won't get well."

I just don't think it's usually as simple as the ability or inability to "put two and two together," because sad to say, a lot of people don't want to be happier.

Eh. Forgive my negativity today.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Well things are starting to slip - sadly not unexpectedly. Not bad yet, but I can see the pattern starting again. She has had chores to do at home. Has been feeling a bit poorly (but is still working). I can't and won't complain - I don't want sex if she isn't feeling well - but somehow she seems to be feeling well enough for everything except sex....

Its only been 5 days, normally I wouldn't worry at all


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> at least in the past, if I just ignored being turned down, it would become less and less frequent until we would go months without sex.


I understand your concern and anxiety. This is exactly what has happened to me, on a number of occasions....

Things get better, I start feeling satisfied, act nice to her and ... boom. It's all gone again!

My strategy now is:
* Not to get too close, but to keep my distance.
* Enjoy the sex whenever possible; make sure she enjoys it too.
* Invest into the family and kids in direct proportion to her generosity (sexually speaking).
* Have no expectations, and you rightly argued earlier....
* Keep busy in my own life, and channelise my frustrations into something creative and useful.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Well things are starting to slip - sadly not unexpectedly. Not bad yet, but I can see the pattern starting again. She has had chores to do at home. Has been feeling a bit poorly (but is still working). I can't and won't complain - I don't want sex if she isn't feeling well - but somehow she seems to be feeling well enough for everything except sex....
> 
> Its only been 5 days, normally I wouldn't worry at all


Sorry to hear, but unfortunately I can completely relate. I think for better or worse we will always be stuck dealing with these ups and down, and the best you can hope for is to maximize the ups and minimize the downs (still trying to figure that one out myself...). Do you think it is just a drive issue with your wife, or something else that makes it easier for her to focus on everything else but her sexlife with you?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
She is LD and just doesn't think about sex, and there is a big energy barrier to her getting started. Once we do start, she very much enjoys it, but I think that before we do, it just seems like a chore to her.

When she comes how and the first thing she says is "I'm really tired and feeling sort of out of it", I'm not about to say "how about some sex".

She knows intellectually that its important to me, but somehow she always feels that it can be put off "just for now". There is always some excuse (to herself) not to get started .

She is extremely compulsive about getting chores done - even ones that are very low priority. For a while she seemed to be viewing sex as one of those chores - but since it isn't every day, it really isn't on her "list" and so it doesn't happen.




EllisRedding said:


> Sorry to hear, but unfortunately I can completely relate. I think for better or worse we will always be stuck dealing with these ups and down, and the best you can hope for is to maximize the ups and minimize the downs (still trying to figure that one out myself...). Do you think it is just a drive issue with your wife, or something else that makes it easier for her to focus on everything else but her sexlife with you?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> She is LD and just doesn't think about sex, and there is a big energy barrier to her getting started. Once we do start, she very much enjoys it, but I think that before we do, it just seems like a chore to her.
> 
> When she comes how and the first thing she says is "I'm really tired and feeling sort of out of it", I'm not about to say "how about some sex".
> ...


Hmmm... your wife sounds rather similar to mine. The only thing, I am not quite sure about my wife's drive. Mine is higher but not sure I would classify her as low drive. For example, we went away for a few days last week. She made it clear beforehand she was looking forward to the alone time for sex, and on vacation there were zero issues. However, at home she seems unable to detach herself in any way from the kids or the house. I am not talking about expecting sex every day or every other day, but what ends up happening more often than not, we will have sex, a month will go by before we have sex again (and mostly because I get completely detached from her which she knows so it is almost a way to reel me back in, it sounds worse then it is, but I think you get my point). Things will be like this for a while, we will have a real good month or two, but almost inevitably it goes back to the norm.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Our norm is once a month which I am very unhappy about but I am convinced it will never change.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

@richardsharpe

Good evening :grin2:

Have things gotten better?


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Richard I think we have similar wives.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Mostly things have been good recently. :smile2: Sex has been pretty frequent and she has been more open to trying different things.






EllisRedding said:


> @richardsharpe
> 
> Good evening :grin2:
> 
> Have things gotten better?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Mostly things have been good recently. :smile2: Sex has been pretty frequent and she has been more open to trying different things.


Good to hear! I am playing the "New Year's Resolution" card, so 3 for 5 this year so far :grin2:


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

3 for 5?


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## Just Wondering (Dec 20, 2011)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Mostly things have been good recently. :smile2: Sex has been pretty frequent and she has been more open to trying different things.


I have followed you for a long time and we think the same and our wife's could be sisters. Being in a HD/LD relationship is very hard and always will be. The position I take is to work on balance from within. The sex can be very good and often, And it can change over night into bad sex and not so often . For years I tried to change my wife from being LD and found its much easier to change yourself. Meaning the on again/off .Again you have to be at peace from within. And find balance.Its like picking up a sea shell and hearing the ocean in it. The tide will change and with the wife I can hear and see it coming the HD/LD side of it.
The main thing is to accept her desires both ways. Its easy to go off and get pissy . But fine peace in knowing your time will come and you will enjoy her again.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Okguy said:


> 3 for 5?


3 out of the 5 days this year .. this is like 2 months worth normally lol.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

To Just Wondering. Well said. I am in the same situation.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

EllisRedding said:


> 3 out of the 5 days this year .. this is like 2 months worth normally lol.


Consider yourself lucky. I've only had sex once this year on 1/1/16.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I haven't had it since Thanksgiving. But it's on it's way. Hey hey hey:sunglasses:


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