# Helpless friend



## DaveinOC (Oct 15, 2017)

My mid-30 guy friend that I knew from middle school is always depressed now days because he's not married and never even had a relationship before (not even a short one). 

He sees me and my family and always talks about how envious he is. 

He is a highly educated engineer working at one of the biggest semi conductor companies, 6 figure income with a nice house on Newport Beach coast in Orange county. He's not bad looking but is extremely introverted. Not only has he problem speaking to women, he can't even talk to other guys. 

I believe he has paid for sex before. 

Few years back, I was determined to force him to meet somebody, so I got him to pretty up so I could take a nice profile pic for him, make several online dating accounts. Since he can't sell himself, I built his profiles for him. Since he had trouble messaging any ladies after filtering through 38429042 of them, I decided that I am going to message a bunch of them and pretend to be him since his biggest fear is that initial rejection. The deal was that once I do that for a week or 2, I am going to completely drop off and he will be the one responsible to carry on. Also after each session of chat, I saved the log and shared with him just so he is aware of what we talked about. I got conversation started with 3 women and sold myself (my friend) pretty well. They were definitely interested. I turned over account to him and asked for his progress few weeks later. 

He then tells me hes not talking to any of them because he couldn't carry on interesting conversation with them.... I was so furious and called him nasty things. I vowed to never help him. 

Recently I met up with the guy and at this point it's beyond depressing. I still want to help him, but he needs to step it up. He is genuinely unhappy with his life and feels it is meaningless. He spends his weekend sitting in his lawn chair in the backyard for hours, not doing anything.

Does anyone have any idea on how I should help this numbskull?

P.S. we have no good option from wife's friends/acquaintance/relative, etc.. I've thought of this already


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

You can lead a horse to water...

There is probably nothing you can do other then tell him to man the hell up as his friend. When he gets all "woe is me" shut him down. Remind him he is his own worst enemy in this area of his life.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

DaveinOC said:


> My mid-30 guy friend that I knew from middle school is always depressed now days because he's not married and never even had a relationship before (not even a short one).


Yeah, sounds like depression - he needs to see a psych.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

BAD idea getting conversations started with potential dating partners for him and then handing him the reins. He isn't capable and frankly it's unfair to put him in that position AND do what is known as a "catfish" to lure in unsuspecting women online daters.

To get MAD at him for being unable to follow through with these women?

That would be like some guy getting mad at you because he told you to do 3 back flips and land on your left elbow and you couldn't do it properly.

I suggest you stop trying to change people and force them into doing something they are not capable of, that's NOT what friends are for.

You want to do him a favor? Get him a gift certificate to a few therapy sessions and or some um.. "massage coupons" which include happy endings because that's about all he's ever going to get.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Does he wear glasses? From what I've learned in teen movies, all he needs to do is take off the glasses and he'll be instantly popular 

A strong introvert is going to have a hard time flirting with women. It would be better to drag him to things that he's interested in where he can talk to women about the activity. Gaming, anime, and comics are often areas that introverts are quite interested in. There are often conventions where similarly-minded people hang out and participate in activities. If he's into gaming at all, find out which comic shops in town have gaming rooms. People can just show up and play with whoever is there.

The key for him is to get him involved in more social activities so that he has more exposure to people. It won't work to try to teach him how to pick up women. Rather, get him involved in more social things so he'll interact with more women on a regular basis. They can chat about normal things and gradually move the relationship along. Online dating will likely be a total failure, so don't even go there. Start with just trying to get him to have more acquaintances, even if they are all men. The more people he's exposed to, the greater chance that he'll find one he naturally clicks with.


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## DaveinOC (Oct 15, 2017)

Bonkers said:


> BAD idea getting conversations started with potential dating partners for him and then handing him the reins. He isn't capable and frankly it's unfair to put him in that position AND do what is known as a "catfish" to lure in unsuspecting women online daters.
> 
> To get MAD at him for being unable to follow through with these women?
> 
> ...


the thing is, he WANTS to try doing it, he just cant initiate it. It's not like I put a toddler on a bike and say GO and watch him fall miserably. He wanted to be in that situation because he THOUGHT he could do it. if he really was against it to the degree you are describing, he would have NEVER regardless of anything. Maybe it sounded too much like I coerced him to this situation, but it's not the case. anyhow, thank you for you suggestion with the therapy session idea.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

This is his problem and he needs to find the solution. You writing profiles for him will only blow up in his face when he has to step up from there.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

I had a couple 'woe is me' friends who couldn't seem to put the dots together that you have to drop the self loathing and put yourself out there if you want to get somewhere.

One finally figured out his whining was counter productive and all the stuff I'd been telling him over the years is right.

The other guy is still single and miserable because he can't take the advice.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

DaveinOC said:


> the thing is, he WANTS to try doing it, he just cant initiate it. It's not like I put a toddler on a bike and say GO and watch him fall miserably.


Then do it WITH him, not FOR him. 

Don't hop on the bike with him and start pedaling then just as you get over the crest of a very steep hill,jump off and say "You got it from here buddy!".


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What he needs is to begin to do things with others so that his confidence is built up and he can gradually make friends. So, hobbies, sports, clubs, voluntary work etc. 

I do know people like him who make no effort to get out there and make friends let alone meeting anyone. Then they complain that they are alone. I know others who were shy and introverted who have gritted their teeth and got out there and done things. Over the months and years they have changed so much, grown in confidence, and some are now happily married. 

In the end its his decision.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

To me the best way was going after women "way out of my league" so to speak. What is the worst that can happen? They say "no" and it is a little humiliating at first. Then after a few at bats, striking out isn't even that big of a deal anymore. Its all part of the game. Keep at it with the top shelf women. It will improve his game. Once he's used to working at the speed, and he moves on to women more in his ball park, you are way less nervous and just that little bit of confidence goes such a long way with women. Women absolutely will latch on to a man with confidence. This is undeniable. You build your confidence without the fear with these women out of your league. She was going to say no anyway is what you tell yourself, so its less of a sting when they say no. Does that make sense? After he gets his feet wet here, it will be much easier to approach other women. You just have to keep at it. Stay on his butt about it too, "what are you a quitter?" Just stay on him like us guys do. Poke fun, but encourage him at the same time. He can get there, he has to work at it. Equate it to his job, I bet he busts his ars at work. "Get out there and swing for the fences!" Once he gets a few dates, his confidence will grow. Tough love on your part if he gets all woe is me. Slap him out of that nonsense mindset quick. Tell him stories of when you striked out when he does. Top his defeat with an embarrassing defeat of your own. "It happens man, I remember this one time..." Then laugh about it. Just have to stay on him with a good mixture of encouragement, self humiliation, and slapping him around a bit. 

Now hit the bar with your bro. Buy him a beer and set him loose on the world!


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

As I see it..
He got the brain...
He got the looks...
He got the books, they carried him six figures tall.

He got the tube, the one he pees out of.
He got the nuts, locked up proper in the sack.

What he did not get is the juice.
From his pineal gland.
From his prostate, at least as far as I can deduce.

If a man has the urge, there is no wall, no mountain tall enough to hold him back.
From first looking, then sniffing, nothing can hold him back from that crack.

They Abyss that men so treasure, they dive head long into, first.
Never stopping, never blocking, that ever present thirst.

He is more a brain, less we amend, pretend this is a man.
Of this I say OK, that leaves more of this for any other fan.
Fan of some women.

He probably is being taken care of by his own personal hand maiden.
Sometime she be lefty, sometime right handed, her praise of him, unladen.

The other thing,....

Why would you burden some poor women with this guy? Pretend to be him and his word.
Be no part of another's failings, lest you then, forever, own a third.

Him, the Her, and Your' share of the blame. 
Love 'ought not' be some game.

Fate took your' friend this far, let it take him to it's rightful, it's programmed end.

Just, The Typist, Sayin'


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Sometimes it's easier for an introvert to open up to people if it's in the context of doing something they already enjoy. Get him to sign up on Meetup for some events or activities that he enjoys doing, then make sure he actually goes. Putting himself in a context of something he's familiar with and likes is going to help his mind relax and make positive associations between what he's doing and the people he's with.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

At a guess, without knowing this man, I'm going to suggest that he might either be an Aspie or be suffering from crippling social anxiety. Maybe both. He needs a qualified professional to help him figure out what's going on. There may be medications which may help, especially when combined with other therapies.

But, honestly, it's not at all surprising that a man with strong introversion and zero social abilities isn't finding a partner. Doing so would require at least some interaction with other people. If he's not wiling or able to do that, then he may simply be one of those people who remains alone. The best thing you can do for him, OP, is to encourage him to stop complaining about it (if he is) and actually _do_ something to address his own issues. Nothing changes if nothing changes.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

How the heck does he have a job, let alone a well paying one, if he can't talk to either sex?! He's got to be capable of more than what's he's leading you to believe. 

However, you can do only so much. You tried. BTW, calling him nasty names was mean.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> How the heck does he have a job, let alone a well paying one, if he can't talk to either sex?! He's got to be capable of more than what's he's leading you to believe.


I take it you don't work in the tech field  I work with plenty of people who are very accomplished around technical subjects, but have little to no social skills. Introverts can excel in the computer field since so much of the work is one-on-one with the computer. And work discussions are just about technical issues. But go to lunch with one of those guys and it's like pulling teeth to get them to talk about anything other than work. But the company doesn't pay him to make small talk, so that doesn't matter. They pay him to write 1000's of lines of complicated code, and he's really good at that.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

My cousin is just like this but younger and worse off financially. I can understand why you posted its tough to watch. I don't have much good advise. Everything I have tried with him generally just scares him away from talking to me or coming around.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I've been exactly where you are and I tried to help some of my "Big Bang Theory buddies" and I had to save myself and let them flounder on their own.

They are now in their early to mid 50s and are still pathetic. they have good careers, lots of $$, awesome man toys and no other responsibilities other than showing up for work and calculating figures into electronic gadgets but they are utter failures with women.

The one that does have a sex life somehow got some kind of mail-order bride from Puerto Rico online and met her at the airport when he picked her up to move her to his house. They have been together a year so it must be working for them but let's just say she ain't no Jenifer Lopez :-O

Some of the others have never had an honest date and are true 50 year old virgins.

Here's the thing - Mother Nature never intended for all males to breed. In nature, many males never get mates or breed. There is a good chance that even in human ancestry only a few of the strongest and fittest males had mates and the rest played with basic tools and rocks in their caves and developed new technologies in hopes it would impress some cave woman enough to bang him. 

I introduced my buddies to a variety of girls back in the day and they embarrassed me and made me look bad every single time. They often offended the women by basically snubbing them or leaving them out of their conversations about physics and integrated circuits (this was back in the 80s)

My attitude changed from wanting to help to realizing that if a guy doesn't care enough polish himself up and look presentable and doesn't have the giblets to open his mouth and speak to a woman like a fellow human being, then he does not deserve to have a GF/wife and does not deserve to breed. 

If a guy is willing to get a shrink to work on his pathological shyness or introversion, that is great. If a guy gets a personal trainer to help tone up and lose the gut and is willing to shell out some of his engineers salary on stylish clothes and grooming, I would be glad to cheer him on and lend him moral support.

But I am no longer going to stick my neck out to help him meet and interact with people if they aren't going to put in the effort to look presentable and and develop the rudimentary social skills to at least speak and relate to a fellow human being on an interpersonal level. 

It's nice of you to try to help your friend but if he can't/won't lift a finger to help himself, then all you are going to do is hurt other people's feelings and make yourself look like a jerk. 

His Sexlife or lack thereof is not your business or your problem.

Mother Nature does not want these people to propogate otherwise she would have made the opposite sex attracted to them.


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