# Looking for Advice



## HeadandtheHeart

Hello all. I am here specifically for advice about my nearly sexless marriage. I am female, in my early 40's and actually quite proud of what my SO and I have overcome in the 8 years we have been married. _Quick background - we met, got pregnant and were married in less than a year. We were both lonely, unhealthy and have had to work through MAJOR issues while married and therefore unable (and unwilling) to leave because of our daughter. _ 

One of the things we dealt with was his sex addiction. It has always been an issue for us. I have insecurities due to not being desired after I got pregnant, and he has admitted to never having a healthy sexual relationship with anyone, let alone me. Control and domination have always been turn ons for him, which makes it nearly impossible for me to come onto him or initiate anything. In the past I have been shamed about coming from an unhealthy upbringing when it comes to sex and being "damaged". He has admitted to these things being a manipulation tool simply because he wanted to establish that I am not to initiate sex or intimacy with him. We have been taking baby steps (planning times to be intimate) but I recently realized without a doubt that I will NOT stay in a marriage where a healthy sex life is not possible, and communicated my needs to him. I was greeted with defensiveness, anger and being told that sex is a tool used to control people and that he could go the rest of his life without it. After some thought and my honest reaction of 'maybe separation is best if we want such different things', he agreed to work on establishing a healthy sex life, but only if I initiate it and basically 'teach him' how to be this way. My girlfriends all think he is still an active sex addict and/or gay and I dont dare discuss this with my family. My feelings abotu this re complicated. He has changed so many things and has always been willing to meet me in the middle where our difficulties are concerned so I tend to give him the benefit of the doubt. I am an open minded person and believe that people can and do change, but worry that I am being naïve as well. Any advice/insight?


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## BluesPower

I am really serious about what I am going to say...

File for divorce now, and move on. You will never have a compatible sex life with this man. 

The about of therapy he would need is massive if he even thought that he had a problem, which he thinks he does not... 

Do you get that, he thinks you are the problem, and you are not. 

If you want more advice I think we are going to need to know what other problems you two overcame... 

But really, time to get out and find someone else that you are more compatible with...


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## Mr.Married

There are some ladies that are going to come here soon that have been in your shoes.

I think they will say ..... get out now. They are glad that they did.

How rotten does your soul feel ?

It's not going to end well if you stay with him.


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## Tilted 1

I feel for you, how getting duty sex from him, must be horrid. And to think what most normal men would wish for a woman like you. Blue's said it maybe time to go. If he will not engage until an ultimatum is given, and then do only what he must is no life to live. 

He does use your insecurities against you and it is a control issue. Can you imagine what will happen to your child let alone you in the future. The dude is broken and YOU CAN'T FIX HIM!. Don't even try or think it. It will hurt you to leave him your a human with emotions, l get that but your not just thinking of you, but also your child. 

Let's be clear here, he already has ill unsaid feelings about you because you got pregnant and to prove to other that see him as a piece of crap, what did he do? You got it he married you to cover his a$$. And now you going to pay the cost of his unhappiness.

I do wish l or others could say the one right thing to make this go away for you but life is messy. And it hardly comes out to what we were thinking, why because when married it takes 2 to fight for the marriage not just the one.


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## Marduk

HeadandtheHeart said:


> Hello all. I am here specifically for advice about my nearly sexless marriage. I am female, in my early 40's and actually quite proud of what my SO and I have overcome in the 8 years we have been married. _Quick background - we met, got pregnant and were married in less than a year. We were both lonely, unhealthy and have had to work through MAJOR issues while married and therefore unable (and unwilling) to leave because of our daughter. _
> 
> One of the things we dealt with was his sex addiction. It has always been an issue for us. I have insecurities due to not being desired after I got pregnant, and he has admitted to never having a healthy sexual relationship with anyone, let alone me. Control and domination have always been turn ons for him, which makes it nearly impossible for me to come onto him or initiate anything. In the past I have been shamed about coming from an unhealthy upbringing when it comes to sex and being "damaged". He has admitted to these things being a manipulation tool simply because he wanted to establish that I am not to initiate sex or intimacy with him. We have been taking baby steps (planning times to be intimate) but I recently realized without a doubt that I will NOT stay in a marriage where a healthy sex life is not possible, and communicated my needs to him. I was greeted with defensiveness, anger and being told that sex is a tool used to control people and that he could go the rest of his life without it. After some thought and my honest reaction of 'maybe separation is best if we want such different things', he agreed to work on establishing a healthy sex life, but only if I initiate it and basically 'teach him' how to be this way. My girlfriends all think he is still an active sex addict and/or gay and I dont dare discuss this with my family. My feelings abotu this re complicated. He has changed so many things and has always been willing to meet me in the middle where our difficulties are concerned so I tend to give him the benefit of the doubt. I am an open minded person and believe that people can and do change, but worry that I am being naïve as well. Any advice/insight?


Nope, nope, nope. 

Don’t solve his problems. He owns his ****, you own your ****. 

And here’s how you do that. 

“Husband you have one month to start doing X and Y. At the end of that month, we’re either going to stay married and you are going to continue doing X and Y, or I’m going to start sleeping with other people while we’re married, or I’m going to divorce you and start sleeping with other people anyway. I want the former, but will start one of the other two in 30 days. No discussion. Good luck.”

Turn on your heel and walk away. 

His **** is not your ****. Your **** is that you jumped into this marriage and picked a broken guy, and now are effectively being forced to choose between sex you don’t want and celibacy, which isn’t a choice at all. It’s just pandering to his weakness. 

He owns his ****. You own your ****. 

You get the sex you want from him or you get the sex you want from someone else. Period.


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## HeadandtheHeart

He says that if he had to do it all over again he would choose me, is sweet and caring and if I ever ask him to change something he usually does it or tries to. Is this all manipulation as well? I feel like he might be soo good at it, I may not even realize he is doing it. 

He has admitted to me recently that he thinks I married my father (whom I dont think of as a particularly great person, especially in the context of marriage - and he doesnt like him and wont be near him either), and followed that with "I am a selfish, no good scoundrel" and says he married someone like HIS father, who always ignored him or never gave him the attention he needed. He also says that for him, sex in part is intellectual and we aren't on the same page there. We dont have the same interests AT ALL and he correlates that with not desiring me in the bedroom. Lastly, he says he feels I am not interested in him as a person and dont do enough to 'ask about him and his interests'. I must note he doesnt do that for me either, but I dont correlate that with a healthy sex life. Honestly, I feel like we have very little to connect on, and maybe the sex life will make up for that. Even as I am writing this I feel like I should leave, it's just so hard to do


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## StillSearching

I'll repeat this as many times as it takes....."Ultimatums never work out as intended!"

Ever....

All you can do is be the best you that you can be.
You cannot change someone else's behavior.
Give him Intimacy.
Look at him eye to eye during sex. 
It's all related in a marriage.

Take responsibility for your behavior. Then if it's not better....leave.


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## aquarius1

HeadandtheHeart said:


> He says that if he had to do it all over again he would choose me, is sweet and caring and if I ever ask him to change something he usually does it or tries to. Is this all manipulation as well? I feel like he might be soo good at it, I may not even realize he is doing it.
> 
> He has admitted to me recently that he thinks I married my father (whom I dont think of as a particularly great person, especially in the context of marriage - and he doesnt like him and wont be near him either), and followed that with "I am a selfish, no good scoundrel" and says he married someone like HIS father, who always ignored him or never gave him the attention he needed. He also says that for him, sex in part is intellectual and we aren't on the same page there. We dont have the same interests AT ALL and he correlates that with not desiring me in the bedroom. Lastly, he says he feels I am not interested in him as a person and dont do enough to 'ask about him and his interests'. I must note he doesnt do that for me either, but I dont correlate that with a healthy sex life. Honestly, I feel like we have very little to connect on, and maybe the sex life will make up for that. Even as I am writing this I feel like I should leave, it's just so hard to do


Nobody pretends that its easy.
But you have to fast forward your life 10 years.
Misery, doubting yourself, and still no sex.

He has made his position all too clear. He's in charge of the narrative here, and any deviation is evidence that someone is broken, and its' NOT HIM.
As Marduk says "rip off the bandaid" its painful in the short term. It's this or you will wake up one day and not recognize yourself because he has beaten you down so low.
I would suspect that he is a sociopath. They can say all the right things but delight in torturing people mentally. Look it up.


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## Tilted 1

Quote: Control and domination have always been turn ons for him end quote. 

It's always about him and he shows this daily to you. Good gollie Mrs Molly, its time to go , he's already checked out physically and mentally. Why do you stand for this. Pain and misery will follow you if you let it don't. Give him your final ultimatum , if you choose too or if not get you house in order and prepare yourself for the departure. You put up with this for a while already, now get financially secure as much as possible.


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## HeadandtheHeart

We both overcame various childhood traumas, or at least dealt with them when we had not done so before. Talked with family members about past hurts that were affecting our lives still, moved on from these things (so he says - I know I did). We overcame the devastating difficulty of marrying someone we hardly knew, as we are in a better place for the most part than we were in the first year of marriage, when he disclosed to me that he was a SA and incapable of real intimacy. We have worked on our intimacy issues and I am no longer constantly suspicious of his behavior and what he COULD be doing. I had a lot of therapy individually and we have on and off been in couples therapy, (which he will no longer agree to). We have both changed and grown as people, I think we are just growing apart as a couple.


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## BluesPower

HeadandtheHeart said:


> We both overcame various childhood traumas, or at least dealt with them when we had not done so before. Talked with family members about past hurts that were affecting our lives still, moved on from these things (so he says - I know I did). We overcame the devastating difficulty of marrying someone we hardly knew, as we are in a better place for the most part than we were in the first year of marriage, when he disclosed to me that he was a SA and incapable of real intimacy. We have worked on our intimacy issues and I am no longer constantly suspicious of his behavior and what he COULD be doing. I had a lot of therapy individually and we have on and off been in couples therapy, (which he will no longer agree to). We have both changed and grown as people, I think we are just growing apart as a couple.


This is all good information. 

I guess that you are writing this to give yourself permission to end the marriage? 

Because honestly, if you want a "normal and healthy" sex life, it really seems you are going to have to start over. 

Do you see that now?


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