# Feeling Sad



## Dignity (Aug 6, 2012)

I started a thread here about a month ago and then deleted it immediately because I guess I wasn't ready to share yet. 

But I've been feeling so sad lately that I thought I would write out my thoughts just to find out if I'm doing the right things or if I'm way off base.

My husband and I were together for about twelve years. We got married two years ago. A year and a half later my husband abandoned me and our two children and moved away to another province (I live in Canada) without even telling me that he was leaving. He just left. I had no idea that he was even feeling like the marriage wasn't working. 

Fast-forward eight months and we are separated. He came back to our city and he is currently living with his sister. 

He wants a divorce and he says that although he loves me, we just don't "work" together. He can't be happy with me. I don't fulfill his "needs". The IC tells me that this is because I have been co-dependent and enabling all of this time and when he had siphoned off the last of my energy he needed to move on to someone with a fresh tank. Silly me. I thought I was just loving him all this time.

The conclusion that I've come to is along the lines of "if you love someone set them free". So I've tried to do this. I've tried to let him go to be the person that he wants to be.

The problem is, I keep coming back to feeling like it was all my fault. There must be something hideously wrong with me if the only way he can be happy is to be away from me. 

The last conversation that we had was a couple of days ago when he came to pick up the kids for his days of custody. 

He asked me if I wanted to know who he's been spending his time with. I said that I didn't. He asked me not to interrupt and then told me that I shouldn't ever ask him who he has been spending time with. The rationale for him was that if I asked him he would not lie to me and he doesn't want to hurt me.

What kind of messed up thing is that to say to me?

A little history here. Since he has left I have found out that he had been lying to me about many things before he left. For instance, where he had been and who he had been with. He told me that he had work trips in other cities and I have since found out that those weeks he spent in other cities were not work trips at all.

He says he was not having an affair. Yeah right. 

I have since told him that I do not believe a single word that he says. The trust is broken. If he was unhappy, the mature thing to do would have been to talk to me about it. Not fabricate lie after lie and humiliate me.

So now he says that he has made a list of things he wants to accomplish and at the top of the list is to get me to trust him again. I told him that he may as well laminate that list because it's going to be around for a long, long, time. He says that he is going to try to not lie to me ever again.

Hence the comment about me not asking him about who he's seeing so that he doesn't feel compelled to lie about it.

So. Rationally, I see that he is a big piece of poop and I deserve so much more respect than this. The problem is, he was my best friend for half my life (I'm 34) and I miss him SO much. And then on top of it he makes me feel like a terrible person. 

Anyways, there are times when I just need to vent. My friends and family are, I'm sure, tired of hearing about it. Thank you TAM folk for any comments you may have for me. I'm really looking for any guidance or criticism that can help me on my journey to just feel better again.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Dignity said:


> I started a thread here about a month ago and then deleted it immediately because I guess I wasn't ready to share yet.
> 
> But I've been feeling so sad lately that I thought I would write out my thoughts just to find out if I'm doing the right things or if I'm way off base.
> 
> ...


 
I'm sorry you are going through this. Your story is similar to mine from my husband up and leaving to saying odd nasty things like yours. Mine never told me why he left....over 18 months later I recently found out that about 6-8 months later after he left he started having an affair. 

It is very hard to pick up and move on when you were with someone so long. I was with mine for 22 years. More than half my life. 

As hard as it may be for you, my advice is what others gave me when i first started here and that is to take care of you. Work on you and live for you. I am glad you are going to IC. It really helps to be able to talk to someone other than family and friends.

Hang in there.


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## Dignity (Aug 6, 2012)

Thanks for replying! I've been reading TAM for months now and I've learned so many positive things from all the helpful people on here. I've been trying to apply them to my own situation and I think that things for me are improving. It doesn't feel that way in this moment, but if I reflect on where I was at in January, I've moved forward in leaps and bounds! :smthumbup:

I was trying to do the 180. The problem was, and still is, that I'm doing it for all the wrong reasons. I want to be a better person so that I can turn around and stick it to him. The motivation is to hurt him rather than make myself feel better. I know this is wrong but somehow I just can't stop thinking his way.


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

Anger is a part of the process we all have to go through.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Dignity,

What do you want?


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

I went through that too.....I wanted Sasquatch to suffer and realize what a butthead he was being. Well, fast forward. I am in a better place than I was one year ago....but, he is still a pathetic piece of poop. 

One year ago, I thought I would get some sort of satisfaction out of that. I *knew* that eventually, I would be alright, but he would still be an afflicted asshat. I wanted to fast forward my life to this point, in hopes of feeling some sort of satisfaction in recognizing his misery. 

Well, I am now living in that future that I so longed for. Sasquatch IS still miserable. He has now recognized that his misery is not my fault. But, I feel no satisfaction. Not really. At the best times, I feel indifferent....at worse times, I feel pity for him.

I know that everyone says you need to do this "for yourself". But,that is hard. I sort of feel like whatever your motivation is, just do it. Just let go and focus on yourself. ....even if it is for the "wrong" reasons, eventually, your mindset and focus will change and you will be free. You just sometimes have to force yourself to "go through the motions" at first.

...at least, that is what helped me.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Please don't ask me what i think of your husband. Because i'll have to tell you. And the language i will use will likely get me banned. 

Sorry that you find yourself amongst us. I hope we can offer you some comfort.


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

There is nothing wrong with you. This is what abusers do- twist things around to make you feel like the one at fault, the one that is damaged, all to ease their own sense of failure as a person and have a sense of control. 

Even knowing this, I understand how hard it is to let go of someone you invested your heart and life to. For me, there are days when I feel like I'm going to be okay, and then others when I don't know how I'm going to survive it. 

You sound like you're on the right track. You see him now for what he is. This is a good step.

I'm glad you found TAM. It is a process. It is a journey. One that with the help of the supportive people here, we can all get through and overcome. Even if you think it sounds selfish, stupid, or mean- vent away! You are not alone.


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## Dignity (Aug 6, 2012)

Hmm, I haven't figured out how to do the quoting you guys thing yet (I've never used a forum before) but thanks guys, already I have some food for thought.

jdlash: You nailed it. I am very very angry. I've been angry for months. It's consuming me and I hardly recognize myself. I think I've developed new furrows on my brow because I'm constantly frowning.

jpr:When STBXH first left, my MIL (a wonderful woman) told me that he thinks that he can solve his problems by leaving me and his children and his job and his hometown but despite all the leaving he cannot leave his own misery behind. It will follow him wherever he goes. Even though he's back now (he says he can't be away from the children) he still blames me for all his troubles. I hope (fingers crossed) that I'll be where you are in a year's time, feeling better while he is still miserable. It's nice to have your perspective that it's ok to have the wrong motivation for healing myself, as long as the healing gets done. Thank you!

Orpheus: If only you knew the half of the stuff he's done to me. I've only shared the tip of the iceberg. The problem is, I never see the crap that he's pulling until way, way too late. Please! Help me open my eyes to what he's up to when I post. I definitely put on the rose tinted glasses when it comes to him.

and Conrad: Your question is the hardest. What do I want? Ask me in five minutes and the answer might be different. I suppose I want to learn how to be happy again as a solo artist. I don't think I want to reconcile anymore. I tried and tried and got nowhere with that route. I don't want to be with someone who can lie to me without blinking, someone who can use me up until I'm empty and then throw me away. But I miss him so much, which is totally irrational...and then I start wishing that we could reconcile. If only he would change about fifty things about himself (which I know would not happen).


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

It won't happen - until you don't care if it will.

If you make a concerted effort to move forward in your life - without him - he may want to hitch a ride.

At that point, you can decide whether it's worth a shot.


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## Dignity (Aug 6, 2012)

He bluntly tells me all the time that it is over and he has no interest in working on the marriage. He refuses to see a marriage counselor. I don't really see any option other than to stop caring about him and move forward with my life.

Does the no contact and 180 really work in these situations? I've been trying my best to have no contact and I think he actually prefers it. It's like he's relieved that his pest of of an ex-wife is off his back. I guess I'm just wondering if other people have had success with the no contact strategy, in terms of it leading to a reconciliation? Even in cases where the walk away spouse makes a unilateral decision that it's over?


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Dignity.....He sounds like my husband....don't be fooled by his crumbs....I did for almost 19 months. They still get me some days. They say they want a divorce but do nothing. They manipulate you and keep you hanging on. It is such a hard place to be in and I feel for you so much knowing what I went through. 

It's late....I'll chat more tomorrow.

Hang in there.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Dignity said:


> Does the no contact and 180 really work in these situations? ... I guess I'm just wondering if other people have had success with the no contact strategy, in terms of it leading to a reconciliation? Even in cases where the walk away spouse makes a unilateral decision that it's over?


I'm new here so am not speaking so much from experience but I have been doing the 180 for the last two weeks and I've already seen it beginning to work on my ex (he's been reaching out to me quite a bit this week). However, I don't really care about it working on him, all I know it's definitely starting to/has been working on me. I've been processing our separation a great deal better than I would if he was a constant presence/force in my life so that's good. 

I think if you stick to the process (don't over-analyze yourself - I tend to do that to myself a lot/think I'm not doing it right because of my intentions or whatever), then it will work for you regardless of the outcome (whether you end up in an R or D). 

There are plenty of stories of couples who've had successful reconciliations on this site so it's got to work for R's. There are also plenty of stories on this site from people who did the 180/No Contact and by the time their WS came around, the BS or abandoned spouse realized they didn't want their WS anymore. I know it's not nice, but I don't know who wouldn't find some satisfaction/justice in that!


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## Dignity (Aug 6, 2012)

@Satya-You've got it right. He will admit to nothing. Despite multiple long talks about why he is so unhappy his response to me is always, "we've talked about this before. I don't want to get into it anymore. You don't fulfill my needs. You don't do the things I want. I told you many times what the problem was and you never changed."

Now that may be the case, but if I don't even know what these things that he wants are, how can I do them? If I don't recall him ever telling me the problems, how can I change? I've just gotten to the point where I've given up. I'm not satisfied with that at all. 

About two weeks ago I woke up on Saturday morning and felt like a switch inside me had been flicked. I had decided I didn't want to reconcile. I was done trying. I was unsatisfied. And I felt loads better. I had a smile on my face all day. When STBXH did his usual crappy things to me, I wasn't as hurt, instead they reinforced why I no longer want a relationship with him. And then suddenly, instead of feeling the usual unconditional love for him, I felt loathing instead. And I've kind of felt it ever since. Even when we talk and I feel like I miss him, underneath there is still this current of loathing running through me. This is probably not much healthier than where I was at before, but I don't know how to make it go away. I have to see him on a regular basis because of the kids and yuck, he seems so pathetic to me right now. But deep down, I know that he's that wonderful, charming, attentive person that he used to be. The problem is that he is probably being that for the OW that he won't admit to and asks me not to ask him about.

@Sadw/ohim My STBXH is doing exactly this. He says he wants a divorce but he did not retain a lawyer for months. I finally got a lawyer because I needed to buy a house (more on that later) and I needed a legal separation for the bank to get a mortgage. Well, it's been six weeks and he still has not retained a lawyer. Finally, a few days ago he said he found a lawyer. I was pleased and asked for the name so that I could get my lawyer to send his lawyer the paperwork. And he tells me that it's our mutual aquaintance from University. Ugh. I told him that this was not very thoughtful as I did not feel like airing all my personal financial as well as marital breakdown issues with a mutual friend. His response? Everybody knows all about it anyways...
STBXH then told me that I was being selfish because he's broke and the guy is giving him a deal. Yeah, more loathing.


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## Dignity (Aug 6, 2012)

Miss Taken said:


> I'm new here so am not speaking so much from experience but I have been doing the 180 for the last two weeks and I've already seen it beginning to work on my ex (he's been reaching out to me quite a bit this week). However, I don't really care about it working on him, all I know it's definitely starting to/has been working on me. I've been processing our separation a great deal better than I would if he was a constant presence/force in my life so that's good.


I'm glad to hear it! I've been trying the 180 as well, but I feel like a shell of who I was when I was single. I can't even remember that person anymore. I don't really know what my interests are anymore. I mainly just work and then do stuff with my kids and when he has them I sit around at home watch reruns of home renovation shows. Um, not exactly the most interesting person here...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Dignity said:


> He bluntly tells me all the time that it is over and he has no interest in working on the marriage. He refuses to see a marriage counselor. I don't really see any option other than to stop caring about him and move forward with my life.
> 
> Does the no contact and 180 really work in these situations? I've been trying my best to have no contact and I think he actually prefers it. It's like he's relieved that his pest of of an ex-wife is off his back. I guess I'm just wondering if other people have had success with the no contact strategy, in terms of it leading to a reconciliation? Even in cases where the walk away spouse makes a unilateral decision that it's over?


When you say, "Does it work?"

I can tell you it most assuredly does "work"

What do you want it to "do"?


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## Dignity (Aug 6, 2012)

Conrad said:


> When you say, "Does it work?"
> 
> I can tell you it most assuredly does "work"
> 
> What do you want it to "do"?


Realistically? Or in my fantasy world?

If I'm being real, all I can hope is that it makes me feel happy again. If I were to be successful with the 180 I know that one of three things would happen. A) We would reconcile and have a better marriage. B) I would meet someone new and have a better marriage. Or, C) I would be single and happy (well, happier than I feel right now.) So, I guess I want it to make me feel happier. 

But in my fantasy world...I _want_ it to make me irresistible. So that he changes his mind about his own NC with me. So that he actually goes to counseling and figures out his problems so that he can resume a marriage with me. In fact, I want his motivation to at least be an attempt at reconciliation. I just can't understand why he would just give up on me. Walk away, blame me for the problems, and just turn off the love. I could just never do that. I don't get it. :scratchhead:

So if I want it to lead him to try reconciliation, I don't understand how having absolutely no contact will achieve this. The way I see it, he has accepted that I don't want to see him/talk to him and is moving on. How is that helpful? I guess this is the part I don't understand.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

The 180 is about your healing, it's not a plan for bringing them back.

Sometimes that's a side effect, though.

Forget about trying to control the outcome.

It will eat you alive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dignity (Aug 6, 2012)

I am being eaten alive. It's true. And I'm a control freak. Controlling the outcome is what I do. It's what ended my marriage apparently. I set a goal and I accomplish it. This whole separation process has just wrecked me because I no longer even know what my goals are, never mind having a plan to achieve them. Every day is a new challenge. 

Thank you though, I just need to keep hearing it. That I need to focus on me, myself, and I-- and let the rest of it go.


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## Dignity (Aug 6, 2012)

So last night STBXH was half an hour late dropping off the children. He ruined my plans to take them for dinner and then to a movie. When he arrived I pointed out that he was late. What does he do? Does he apologize? No, he blames the kids for being slow. Argh! 

So we had a quick cold supper and went to the movie anyways. I wouldn't let him ruin the whole evening!

So then I asked the kids if they had seen the blue moon last night? They told me that they hadn't because STBXH's nephew babysat them so he could go out to a "blue moon" party. Argh! Again!

I absolutely despise having my children away from me half the week. Yet he insists that he will not be a "weekend" dad. So they are away from me and what does he do? He goes out without them.

I am not adjusting to this new life of mine well at all.


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## Dignity (Aug 6, 2012)

After that last post I went out onto my deck to enjoy my morning coffee and who rides up on his bike? STBXH that's who. While I'm still in my pj's and hair up in a knot. 
He pulls DS's bike helmet out of his backback and says "I forgot to drop this off yesterday." and then looks at me. I say nothing and stare back. 
He then jumps on his bike and rides away. 
WTF?
Maybe the NC is working? Why would he just show up and then take off again? I didn't even say one word to him. How can 13 years together end up with interactions like this?


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Don't read into it.

He doesn't give a crap. 

When and if he does, you will see real reaching out by him.

Yep. 15 years ended for me just like that. It's like I'm interacting with a neighbor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Dignity, your ex sounds very similar to mine.

He doesn't care right now, because things for HIM are doing good.

Once he isn't happy anymore, or he starts to run out of people to blame or enable him .. watch, he will be back.

It might not be in a begging form as in "oh I made a mistake!".

Could happen like mine, she started coming around here or there asking questions. She was clearly paying attention to the things I was doing with myself but never said anything.

Only when she was starting to have a hard time did she start making contact with me again.

But I fell for the trick and gave her exactly what she needed.

I gave her all the reasons in the world to continue to blame me and now she feels better about her life again.

Wants nothing to do with me now, except for what she can try and get via the lawyer that I bet she is getting.

Canadian EH?! Where aboots?! Manitoba here!


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## Dignity (Aug 6, 2012)

spun said:


> Don't read into it.
> 
> He doesn't give a crap.
> 
> ...


Thanks, I know you're right. I just have to stay closed to him. I can't wait until I can get to the place where I just don't give a crap what he's doing and what his motivations are. It does get a tiny bit easier every day though.


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## Dignity (Aug 6, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> Dignity, your ex sounds very similar to mine.
> 
> He doesn't care right now, because things for HIM are doing good.
> 
> ...


I don't know if he's having a hard time or not. He makes it seem as though his life is just that much better without me in it. He tells me that my grief over the end of the marriage is childish and I should just move on already. It almost seems like he is doing his own 180 and no contact. It seems to be working for him. I wish it would work for me. 

I'm in Sask. Did you catch the labour day football game yesterday?  52-0? Just kidding, I'm not a football fan myself but the Man vs Sask rivalry is always fun to watch. 

I'm not familiar with your story. Could you link the thread for me?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Dignity said:


> Realistically? Or in my fantasy world?
> 
> If I'm being real, all I can hope is that it makes me feel happy again. If I were to be successful with the 180 I know that one of three things would happen. A) We would reconcile and have a better marriage. B) I would meet someone new and have a better marriage. Or, C) I would be single and happy (well, happier than I feel right now.) So, I guess I want it to make me feel happier.
> 
> ...


For him to desire those things, he needs to miss you.

It's impossible to miss you if you won't go away.


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## Dignity (Aug 6, 2012)

Conrad said:


> For him to desire those things, he needs to miss you.
> 
> It's impossible to miss you if you won't go away.


Well shoot. That's so obvious and yet I never looked at it that way before. 

I guess the fact that I texted him last night and invited him to come BBQ with the kids and I at my new place was a poor decision? Haha, I know it was a TERRIBLE decision. What was I thinking?

He said no anyways. I didn't really think that he would come. I suppose it's for the best that he didn't want to come over. 

So, I guess I have to start the thirty days of no contact over again?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Dignity said:


> Well shoot. That's so obvious and yet I never looked at it that way before.
> 
> I guess the fact that I texted him last night and invited him to come BBQ with the kids and I at my new place was a poor decision? Haha, I know it was a TERRIBLE decision. What was I thinking?
> 
> ...


Every time you give in to temptation and reach out (giving him an opportunity to reject you), the clock starts over.


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

Hey Dignity

Have you ever considered if he met someone else? and that he is not doing NC with you its just that his time is being occupied elsewhere...

I know when I split with my fiancee, she was so strong about the whole thing her reaction baffled me...Until I discovered where she was getting all her strength and courage from...

Sure we didnt have kids but were together for 5 years and I lost myself in her so much that I am trying to find out who I am these days...

I know it wont help you much to know if he has or hasnt, infact it will make things harder...

I these days am trying to rebuild myself in every part of my life i.e. career, social life, health, family life....Its a slow process but one I hope will enable me to lay foundations to find a direction and my longing and so next time if this were to happen i would only be grieving over the relationship as opposed to my entire lifestyle. At 32yrs old, the process scares the hell out of me but I remain optimisitc if I can tap into even a small part of who I was, then I can have a real chance at life again instead of being this zombie...

Hang in there and keep fighting....


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## Dignity (Aug 6, 2012)

Oh I'm pretty certain there's a POS OW. He won't admit to it, but I know it. 

Today I am angry. It was supposed to be the first real week of 50/50 custody of the kids. He was supposed to have them Thursday and Friday morning and make arrangements to get them to and from school. Instead, last night, he asks me to take them overnight and to school in the morning because he has to work. On both days.

What choice do I have? None. I'm not going to let my kids suffer because their dad is a Fing irresponsible idiot. So I'm going to cancel my plans and get up extra early and pay for parking all day so that I can get my kids to school in the morning. Normally when they're with me they take the school bus but I had only arranged the bus for the days that I have custody. So I have to drive them to school-the opposite direction from my work.

I'm just going to write it down, along with all the other crap he's pulled and hopefully use it as ammunition for why I should have the greater percentage of custody. He's totally unreliable.

He says he doesn't want to be a weekend Dad, but I think he really just doesn't want to pay child support. 

Then, he owes me money, so he emails me the funds (a tiny portion of what he actually owes me) in my maiden name! The bank account is NOT in my maiden name... It's silly I know, but I had just gotten around to changing my name to his last name about three months before he left. I guess he never even noticed that we shared his last name? Or he's just that ready to separate me from him.
That was the last straw and I texted him to fix it. My words were, "Remember? I changed my last name to yours? When you let me go through all the trouble of changing my name and never once piping up that it might be a bad idea since we would be getting Divorced??!!" 
Whoops, guess I have to start the 30 day NC countdown again.


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## goingthroughpain (Aug 16, 2012)

Dignity said:


> I'm just going to write it down, along with all the other crap he's pulled and hopefully use it as ammunition for why I should have the greater percentage of custody. He's totally unreliable.
> 
> He says he doesn't want to be a weekend Dad, but I think he really just doesn't want to pay child support.


Hi Dignity! I thought I'd chime in and offer my limited words of support.

Good for you to use what he does against him. Keeping a journal, recording and printing text messages and emails can certainly help in divorce and custody proceedings (from what I've heard, and from what my lawyer says. Every little bit could count for a lot in the end). It also gives you a purpose in doing your 180 (other than for the pure purpose of healing).

What makes this hard is hope that everything can be what it was before, but better. It seems you have to set that aside for a bit. Remember what Spun says:



> The 180 is about your healing, it's not a plan for bringing them back.
> 
> Sometimes that's a side effect, though.
> 
> ...


YOU are working for YOU now. You sound like a great mom! Thank goodness for children, they keep our minds in the game.


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## Dignity (Aug 6, 2012)

goingthroughpain said:


> What makes this hard is hope that everything can be what it was before, but better.
> 
> 
> 
> YOU are working for YOU now. You sound like a great mom! Thank goodness for children, they keep our minds in the game.


Thanks very much! That is the hard part, that's for sure.


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## Dignity (Aug 6, 2012)

So, I met with my lawyer yesterday and the separation agreement should be ready for me to sign next week sometime. This is draft number 3 and it's starting to cost me a pretty penny to get this thing finished. STBXH didn't like that the first one dealt with custody and access to the children as well as our finances. So draft number two removed all of it altogether. I was then told by STBXH that, he would not sign away his "rights" to half my pension, alimony and my savings unless the custody stuff was in the agreeement. His rationale? He needs my money to use against me in court should I ever try to get more access to the kids than 50%. Sigh. Hence document number three. 

POS STBHX never had steady work. I basically supported our family financially the whole time we were together. I cried and cried when my lawyer told me that even though he was leaving me, he would still be entitled to half my pension, savings, alimony/spousal support and child support (since we have 50% shared access and I make more money than him, I would owe him child support). It just seemed like the world was against me. Now, at the beginning he had told me that he wouldn't take me for everything I had, but now he's using this fact against me as a threat. What a guy.

I just told him that if that's what he's going to do, then I guess it's the law, but it wouldn't stop me from letting every single person I know that my STBXH is living off of me. 

I guess the question is, why did I even put up with supporting him for as long as I did? I just really don't know.


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## nothingleft (Aug 22, 2012)

wow! you could be telling my story lol. its not funny, i know and it is something i am struggling with too. my ex has been underemployed for many years and now i have to pay support if he gets 50% which it looks like he will. it just irks me because he can work and has had opportunity but has been too lazy to do it. the kids are all in school full time and he still chooses to work his weekend job and demand support from me. it blows my mind how utterly selfish and dead beat these men can be. what happened to the pride a man took in supporting his family??? pisses me off, especially since my job might pay well but its very physically taxing and the only reason im there is to support my family. ughh. i fell your pain


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

Dignity-
I just read the whole thread. We may be married to the same man. Same thing. I no longer make him happy, we have nothing in common, I am a terrible wife , etc.....I was also primary breadwinner with stable job. His work was sporadic. This is second time in 3 years he left. Reconciled last time, caught him in an affair in July. Lies about everything and admits nothing. Started living with his first affair partner immediately after I kicked him out. States all he cares about are his children but cancels visits , provides almost no support and talks on phone the whole time he has them.

Your posts really describe exactly how I have been feeling about things. My stbxh seems happy and completely content in his new life. I went no contact immediately and have not broken it even once. I think he prefers it this way , no guilt at all. I know I have to reclaim my life and let it go . I am trying, I have good and bad days. The bottom line is he has moved on, my x has someone else meeting all his needs and enabling his life the way I probably did. I too try to control when I am hurting, it doesn't work. It's hard when you have given so much for so long to be left this way and so quickly replaced. I'm trying not to care anymore but my hurt runs very deep. 

My x is probably going to go after my pension and 401s too. He never saved a dime. His adultery will hopefully prevent that though, and he has steady work now with benefits( a job I helped him get). OW will now benefit from that. It sucks, I keep waiting for him to have any consequences but right now I have all of it- bills, mortgage, full time child care, no support from him, dealing with the kids' anger and sadness. The only thing I don't have is his verbal abuse that started when I caught him.

I have accepted the fact I will be divorcing, I could never go through this again after it happening twice. It gives me a bit of comfort to know that I don't have a choice but to move on. Like you, I feel like a shell of my former self , I don't know what I really want or what will bring me happiness. The divorce will be ugly, his anger towards me really blows me away.

I plan to move away as quickly as possible, to get out of this house with all the memories, to go somewhere I have always wanted to live and start a new life. It's what keeps me going right now. I know how hard it is right now, it helps to stop those thoughts of him as soon as they start and refocus. These men are not thinking about us or our children. Just know many of us are going through this too. Our life is now ours to make whatever we want, we just have to figure out what that will be:scratchhead:


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## Dignity (Aug 6, 2012)

Thanks for sharing cmf. It somehow makes it easier to know that there are others out there going through the same thing. I just wish I was as strong as you when it comes to the no contact. I absolutely suck at it.


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## Dignity (Aug 6, 2012)

Last weekend I spoke to STBXH when I was picking up the kids. I poured my heart out again (I don't know why I keep doing this to myself) and he responded by telling me that if he gives me what I want then he is saying no to himself. He says he wants to be selfish and put himself first and he doesn't think he can do that when I'm around. 

I didn't talk to him for a few days after that, but I did have to see him last night because it was the meet the teacher night at the school. It was so awkward. I ran into OW's sister (she has a kid at the same school). We worked together years ago and it was just so painful to see her and see the look in her eye that she knew my STBXH was having an affair with her sister. 

I felt so ashamed and worthless. 

Then, when it was finally over, STBXH asked for a ride for him and the kids back to his new place. I said yes because I knew it meant that if I didn't, my kids would be walking.

So we walk up to the car and he gets in the back seat and puts DS in the front seat. Like he doesn't even want to sit in the same part of the car as me. 

I can't believe that I am letting someone treat me this way. Letting someone make me feel this way about myself. But I don't know how to make it stop.


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