# In Retrospect, I regret exposure.



## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

Please no flaming, this is just food for thought. I'm an anonymous internet user with a ****ty life, giving you my feelings about how I dealt with my situation and how I feel later so you can maybe avoid some pitfalls. Doesn't mean I think I'm right, or wrong. Just that, I regret exposure, and maybe you will too, so read this and think first.

Stbx had an EA (that he admitted to, and backtracked on), I suspect more but for me an EA was enough damage. We attempted therapy and R but it was never sincere on his part. He hurt me and shut me down a lot. Things even got physical between us, I actually hit him when he spit on me one day. Things got very ugly and very heated super quick. In his attempt to justify his actions, he blamed me, my weight, he never loved me, if he cared he'd never have done what he'd done, etc. And what I didn't realize was he kept blaming me. Even when he blamed himself, he blamed me. And then I exploded. I exposed him to everyone I could because I wanted it to end, and I wanted to hurt him by exposing that he was a cheating lying bastard. Which is how I felt about him then. I wanted sole custody, I was disgusted at the thought of him. Etc. No need for all the details here, if you're going through CWI, you know how this goes.

Point is, every few days, I'd wake up and figure, what the hell happened to me and my life? How did i become a Jerry Springer show? Like, exposing him to family and friends in an effort to stop this and to turn on the light just hurt him and alienated both of us from our friends. I feel like ****. Maybe he is a piece of crap and maybe he deserved to be exposed. And he had no right to cheat, but people **** up all the time. I had no right to shame someone who used to be the love of my life one day in the public way I did. I understand why I did it, I was hurt and rejected and mad and angry. I felt justified then, but now I feel like ****. The guilt is eating me up. I realize our relationship was something that would've been worth saving, and he didn't want to save it. And I'm worth a man who wants to save it. I'm beautiful (starting to believe it, anyway), I'm a good mom, a good cook, a decent person, a hardworking person, a decent friend. I deserve someone who loves me. And I think most of us who are exposing and trying to R think we don't. That we deserved the cheating somehow and the half-ass love. You deserve more. And so do they (more than the shaming I mean, because you married them at one point. That means at one point, you thought they were good people). No matter what their reasons for cheating (sex addiction, *******ness, etc), their cheating was wrong. But, is it really an indication that they are overall ****ty people? Trust me, this more peaceful thought took about a year to come by, so it's not like I'm pretending to be Mother Theresa here. 

Point is. Yes, exposure might help end the affair. But it's messy and you'll probably alienate a lot of people. If your spouse is cheating, move out. In my case, that wasn't possible. But in most cases, you can. Move in with a friend, relative, motel, hostel, convent. Something. I wish I did. 

For me, the exposure wasn't worth it. Because i live daily with the guilt. Exposing him to our friends was good for the moment, I felt like I won. But who gives a ****. He was abusive during our relationship (verbally and mentally) and after this bitterness I realized it and exposed that too. Point is, he ****ed up. Bad. But I ruined his chances with his support system just so I validate that he wasn't good. I think we all know, if your spouse cheats, they're not good for you at that time. That doesn't mean they're evil, or bad, just going through a bad time, or a bad phase, and they're hurting you. You need to decide wether this is a one time thing you need to forgive and can forgive, or if this is the light you needed to expose the fact that the relationship wasn't good anyway and it was time to move on. Now that the dust is settling on mine, I feel OK with this ending. The romantic in me wanted this to work, but the realist realizes, he was never good. He was and is withholding and judgmental, and I need a different kind of man. Without the affair, I'd never have realized that I was OK to feel the way I did, and that I did deserve better. So while the affair feels like the worst thing to have ever happened to you, and trust me it will for a while, it might not be. It might be your saving grace out of a crap relationship. Just don't ruin everything around you in the meantime. 

Hugs to you, this journey sucks.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Everyone's different and it doesn't work for everyone. It's just that there seems to be more positives coming from it than negatives. If it were me, I'd have to do it, regardless of the fall out. In your case the sh1tty feeling may be part of the whole package your dealing with, not just the exposure.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm curious what consequence of the exposure you regret? You told the truth about his betrayal, to the same people who witnessed your wedding vows. 

You didn't attack or slander him, you told the truth. Why do you now feel guilt for that?

Would you feel guilt for reporting a their to the police and them getting an arrest record?


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Everyone's different and it doesn't work for everyone. It's just that there seems to be more positives coming from it than negatives. If it were me, I'd have to do it, regardless of the fall out. *In your case the sh1tty feeling may be part of the whole package your dealing with, not just the exposure.*


It's true, but honestly I feel bad for him. Like, he ****ed up. And now people know about it. If every time I was a ****ty person someone exposed me, I don't think I'd like it. I'm not a cheater and I won't cheat, but I am not perfect. I hated when everyone *****ed about me gaining weight (thyroid and depression) and I felt so exposed. So I guess in a way, I feel that he's exposed to everyone at his ugliest too, and I just feel bad for him. I don't know that I should protect him, nor am I saying that, just that, I feel bad for him and bad that our friends know that about us.


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I'm curious what consequence of the exposure you regret? You told the truth about his betrayal, to the same people who witnessed your wedding vows.
> 
> You didn't attack or slander him, you told the truth. Why do you now feel guilt for that?
> 
> Would you feel guilt for reporting a their to the police and them getting an arrest record?


No, it's not that I slandered or attacked him. But I also don't feel that anything good came out of his parents or mine or our friends knowing the truth. I feel if I'd been quieter, and dealt with it just with a therapist (which to be honest, I don't think would've worked because I'm not the quiet person), I think the consequences would've been less horrible. I feel ashamed around friends now, like maybe I'm judged for the affair and for exposing it. I feel I gave other people power over me somehow and definitely over him. At one point I thought he was great, so to expose him and to feel he lost his support system makes me feel like I failed at being a decent person. If that makes sense. And no, I'm not suggesting that people who expose aren't decent, at all. I'm just saying, I feel that the way I handled my particular situation could've been less writhing in pain and more graceful. And I wish I 'd done that.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

He spit on you...

There is no excuse ever for that. You feel bad for him... I'm not sure why you would feel bad for someone who thinks so low of you as to spit on you...

This isn't about exposure. This is about your guilt because someone who you loved is feeling bad... 

Get your life straight focus on you and move on. What you had is gone. It's not coming back. You may find something similar and better one day so prepare for that day by making yourself the best you can be.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

So you would have been much more satisfied if he was able to spin the split? Able to tell everyone that he separated from you because you had become abusive, distant, uncaring? That he realized you no longer loved him? 

If so, then your regret is well placed. I hope you are healing. As for "ruining his support system", how exactly was his support system supposed to help him? I can understand your thought process if he had confided in them that he was cheating, abusive, and all the other things you said he was. But if he painted you in a false light to them - then how exactly were they going to "support him" through his lies? 

Additionally, a real "support system" would help regardless of the situation. The only way I, as part of a support system, would refuse to render help would be if the person was devious with me and refused to own up. Don't blame yourself for his situation - unless you embellished the facts during exposure.


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

MovingAhead said:


> He spit on you...
> 
> There is no excuse ever for that. You feel bad for him... I'm not sure why you would feel bad for someone who thinks so low of you as to spit on you...
> 
> ...


Agreed. He was a piece of ****. And probably always will be. And yes I feel bad for him but I am not waiting to R or get back with him. We filed. I've been a single mom and woman for a while now. I am working on myself. And part of working on myself was realizing I don't want to ever feel or react that way again. Next time, if I end up in a situation where someone was a bad partner, I want to have the courage to walk right out and not even say a word or shed a tear. This time, I went thought the gamut of emotions and I hated it. Just food for thought. Not trying to convince anyone to handle something one way or another. But to slow down and think.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You have nothing to feel ashamed about. You cannot control your spouse's actions, only your own. If his actions are shameful- the affair- then he brought it on himself.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

ChknNoodleSoup said:


> It's true, but honestly I feel bad for him. Like, he ****ed up. And now people know about it. If every time I was a ****ty person someone exposed me, I don't think I'd like it. I'm not a cheater and I won't cheat, but I am not perfect. I hated when everyone *****ed about me gaining weight (thyroid and depression) and I felt so exposed. So I guess in a way, I feel that he's exposed to everyone at his ugliest too, and I just feel bad for him. I don't know that I should protect him, nor am I saying that, just that, I feel bad for him and bad that our friends know that about us.


You're being too nice. The "stigma" he now carries is part of what he did. He deserves to live with it. If he were my friend and I found out he was cheating, I wouldn't let him anywhere near my wife ever again, he's certainly not to be trusted around women. I might even drop the friendship.

Don't second guess yourself, you did good.


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> So you would have been much more satisfied if he was able to spin the split? Able to tell everyone that he separated from you because you had become abusive, distant, uncaring? That he realized you no longer loved him?
> 
> If so, then your regret is well placed. I hope you are healing. As for "ruining his support system", how exactly was his support system supposed to help him? I can understand your thought process if he had confided in them that he was cheating, abusive, and all the other things you said he was. But if he painted you in a false light to them - then how exactly were they going to "support him" through his lies?
> 
> Additionally, a real "support system" would help regardless of the situation. The only way I, as part of a support system, would refuse to render help would be if the person was devious with me and refused to own up. Don't blame yourself for his situation - unless you embellished the facts during exposure.


No I didn't. And actually that's exactly what he did. He told people that how I reacted to his affair which he never calls an affair is the reason I 'ruined our chances or ever reconciling' and to that I say he can go **** himself. But in general, I feel that whenever anyone looks at him, they'll see a cheater. Or a man who threw away his marriage for practically nothing.

His friends still talk to him, and still offer him support, but they also all kind of made it clear to me that they think that he was being an idiot. And it could've been just that they were trying to be supportive to me. Considering the hurt I was in then. Either way, I feel that no matter what, people will always see him as a cheater. And that is what he was, but isn't necessarily the only brush he should be painted with.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

I have told my friends that if they ever cheated on their wives, we just wouldn't be friends anymore. This is how I have always felt. My friends are quality and I have known them for at least 10 years each.

Don't tolerate bad behavior from people. It just ruins your surroundings.


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> You're being too nice. The "stigma" he now carries is part of what he did. He deserves to live with it. If he were my friend and I found out he was cheating, I wouldn't let him anywhere near my wife ever again, he's certainly not to be trusted around women. I might even drop the friendship.
> 
> *Don't second guess yourself, you did good*.


If I learned anything this past almost year is, this is a freaking roller coaster (cliche but true.) So maybe I will decide it was a good idea. I've just been feeling bad for him. He looks so freaking miserable and beaten down all the time. And in a way, he should. He never paid for his actions and he always blames others. So I'm glad he feels like **** about this. But in a way, I just feel bad for him.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

ChknNoodleSoup said:


> If I learned anything this past almost year is, this is a freaking roller coaster (cliche but true.) So maybe I will decide it was a good idea. I've just been feeling bad for him. He looks so freaking miserable and beaten down all the time. And in a way, he should. He never paid for his actions and he always blames others. So I'm glad he feels like **** about this. But in a way, I just feel bad for him.


He is facing consequences for his choices.

Btw, that's a good thing for him.

If you don't face consequences you have no reason not to continue behaving that way.


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

MovingAhead said:


> I have told my friends that if they ever cheated on their wives, we just wouldn't be friends anymore. This is how I have always felt. My friends are quality and I have known them for at least 10 years each.
> 
> Don't tolerate bad behavior from people. It just ruins your surroundings.


Believe it or not, I've actually stopped being friends with people who cheated. I was never brave enough to state the reason, but I immediately stopped being friends, especially when they were jerks and didn't apologize or anything. I don't like encouraging bad behavior. Maybe I am being soft and naive. I don't know. I doubt myself a lot and always have. So I don't think anything is set in stone re: my post. I just have been feeling bad and felt like if I can help someone else through it, I wanted to.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

You may have saved someone else from this. He'll think twice next time before screwing someone over and bearing the shame of being exposed. So will the OW.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I hope you exposed the OW too.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You know, cheating is looked on kindly by most legislators/lawyers nowadays. That doesn't mean anything. Murder , lying, thieving, adultery are still sins against fellow human beings. And always will be.

You feel bad for your ex, but simply put, he is just reaping what he has sown. You are just lucky his evil is something you can put behind you. Has he asked anyone for forgiveness? Has he tried to repent? If he hasn't he will not heal. That's 100% on him.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> If you don't face consequences you have no reason not to continue behaving that way.


^^^THIS^^^

Soup, think of it this way: had you NOT exposed, what are the chances that you would still be paralyzed in this marriage with an unremorseful cheater? 

I think the odds are good that's exactly where you would be today. 

JMO
.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

ChknNoodleSoup said:


> I wanted to hurt him by exposing that he was a cheating lying bastard. Which is how I felt about him then.


That was the problem.

Exposure is not about vengeance and hurting people. It's to kill the affair because they flourish in secrecy.

Things we do out of hate generally haunt us in the future, and if nothing else it tells people we are vindictive and spiteful. This comes out in the way we tell people. We can tell them that our husband is having an affair, that it hurt us, and we need other eyes and ears to help keep watch - or we can make it clear we are just bad mouthing them and wanting people to hate them as much as we do.

The first approach can get people to help you and the second is just drama.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> That was the problem.
> 
> Exposure is not about vengeance and hurting people. It's to kill the affair because they flourish in secrecy.
> 
> ...


Great post, Wfi. 
.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

ChknNoodleSoup said:


> No I didn't. And actually that's exactly what he did. He told people that how I reacted to his affair which he never calls an affair is the reason I 'ruined our chances or ever reconciling' and to that I say he can go **** himself. But in general, I feel that *whenever anyone looks at him, they'll see a cheater. Or a man who threw away his marriage for practically nothing.*
> 
> His friends still talk to him, and still offer him support, but they also all kind of made it clear to me that they think that he was being an idiot. And it could've been just that they were trying to be supportive to me. Considering the hurt I was in then. Either way, I feel that no matter what, people will always see him as a cheater. And that is what he was, but isn't necessarily the only brush he should be painted with.


Isn't this true?


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Exposure is only good for ending a affair and imo and is a last resort "tactic" at ending a affair only. Or as the OP said to cause the spouse "pain" and hurt because they felt pain and hurt.

Longterm it is better for everyone, friends, family etc not to know other peoples demons that's the problem with exposure. The minute someone is labelled as a: gambler, alcoholic, abuser, drug user, thief, cheater etc etc it is very hard to ever get others to see that person any other way. Being a realist look at people you know in your life that have been labelled that way do you think of them in a better light than when you previously did not know? Rarely is finding out such information a positive imo.


Try to solve the issue of the marriage every other way first then if all else fails expose.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

ChknNoodleSoup said:


> If I learned anything this past almost year is, this is a freaking roller coaster (cliche but true.) So maybe I will decide it was a good idea. I've just been feeling bad for him. He looks so freaking miserable and beaten down all the time. And in a way, he should. He never paid for his actions and he always blames others. So I'm glad he feels like **** about this. But in a way, I just feel bad for him.


Do you think he feels as bad for you as you do for him? I highly doubt it.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

OhGeesh said:


> Exposure is only good for ending a affair and imo and is a last resort "tactic" at ending a affair only. Or as the OP said to cause the spouse "pain" and hurt because they felt pain and hurt.
> 
> Longterm it is better for everyone, friends, family etc not to know other peoples demons that's the problem with exposure. The minute someone is labelled as a: gambler, alcoholic, abuser, drug user, thief, cheater etc etc it is very hard to ever get others to see that person any other way. Being a realist look at people you know in your life that have been labelled that way do you think of them in a better light than when you previously did not know? Rarely is finding out such information a positive imo.
> 
> ...


Completely agree. A lot of posters on here feel that exposing is a must regardless of the situation. I honestly think it should only be done if you are trying to shock your spouse out of the fog and bring them back to reality. 

If your spouse isn't emotionally attached to the affair partner and you want a R, it will be much tougher if you've exposed. Your friends and family will most likely be cold towards them because they will only be aware of what you shared during one of your most difficult times in life.


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> Completely agree. A lot of posters on here feel that exposing is a must regardless of the situation. I honestly think it should only be done if you are trying to shock your spouse out of the fog and bring them back to reality.
> 
> If your spouse isn't emotionally attached to the affair partner and you want a R, it will be much tougher if you've exposed. Your friends and family will most likely be cold towards them because they will only be aware of what you shared during one of your most difficult times in life.


Luckily I never set out and said he's a cheater to anyone but my parents and eventually his because he lied and said that they all think I'm crazy for assuming his EA was that. In my opinion, calling another woman at 2 a.m. Is cheating. 

And while I never told people flat out I think he's a cheating lying bastard. I also made it clear that we have different ideas of what relationships and marriage means. Some asked me if there was another woman, I said he denied a PA but dd said he had feelings. Which is the truth. I think in retrospect I said it for two reasons, help and validation. And to expose him for who he was. So vindication. I don't think I knew it as much while doing it though. And i think that is why I feel guilty. But no, honestly, I don't think he feels sorry for me. I think he hates me. I see it in every action and word. I don't understand it. It hurts me. I are him defending her against me and I see the signs. He is in love with her. He says there is no her but he's lying. 

I never lied or bad mouthed for the sake of bad mouthing. But I wasn't the good Christian wife either. And I think my catholic guilt is eating me over it. .


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

ChknNoodleSoup said:


> But I wasn't the good Christian wife either. And I think my catholic guilt is eating me over it. .


Three fingers of Jameson w/ two Hail Marys tonight and call your priest in the morning. 

.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ChknNoodleSoup said:


> Point is, every few days, I'd wake up and figure, what the hell happened to me and my life? How did i become a Jerry Springer show? Like, exposing him to family and friends in an effort to stop this and to turn on the light just hurt him and alienated both of us from our friends. I feel like ****. Maybe he is a piece of crap and maybe he deserved to be exposed. And he had no right to cheat, but people **** up all the time. I had no right to shame someone who used to be the love of my life one day in the public way I did. I understand why I did it, I was hurt and rejected and mad and angry. I felt justified then, but now I feel like ****. The guilt is eating me up. I realize our relationship was something that would've been worth saving, and he didn't want to save it. And I'm worth a man who wants to save it. I'm beautiful (starting to believe it, anyway), I'm a good mom, a good cook, a decent person, a hardworking person, a decent friend. I deserve someone who loves me. And I think most of us who are exposing and trying to R think we don't. That we deserved the cheating somehow and the half-ass love. You deserve more. And so do they (more than the shaming I mean, because you married them at one point. That means at one point, you thought they were good people). No matter what their reasons for cheating (sex addiction, *******ness, etc), their cheating was wrong. But, is it really an indication that they are overall ****ty people? Trust me, this more peaceful thought took about a year to come by, so it's not like I'm pretending to be Mother Theresa here.
> 
> Point is. Yes, exposure might help end the affair. But it's messy and you'll probably alienate a lot of people. If your spouse is cheating, move out. In my case, that wasn't possible. But in most cases, you can. Move in with a friend, relative, motel, hostel, convent. Something. I wish I did.


It sounds like a big part of the reason you exposed him was that you wanted to shame and punish him. That’s not the reason for exposure. The only reason for exposure is supposed to be to get help in ending the affair.

For that reason the people one exposes to should be a small group of those you know can be of help. Exposing to all your friends is not a good idea. Most people who call themselves friends could care less if one spouse cheats on the other. They certainly do not want to be sucked into the drama. They have their own problems.

Often the affair partner's spouse and a few family members are the only ones that will care enough to do anything. Some times is only the affair partner's spouse.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

ChknNoodleSoup said:


> I doubt myself a lot and always have.


This! 

Your whole thread is based around how you feel! Not how others feel.

You are not in reality it seems. You are in your own dark hole.

You are projecting your thoughts on to others and making them true. Start believing in yourself, and that you have done nothing wrong.

If some people think you were a mental case for exposing, so effing what! No doubt they dont! And any that do you should be happy to be rid of. All who know you will understand that this sh*t is sh*t! 

Do NOT project your guilt in to others! Act normal, be normal, and be happy you are free from this prick who is telling such crap that if you didn't expose then you could R! 

He said 'if you hadn't of exposed then you could R'......this! This is where all you second guessing of yourself has come about. And you know what? He is lying!

So, stop feeling sorry for him, and by god stop feeling sorry for yourself. He did not go into R with any conviction. You have saved yourself from a further R + R + R + R..........count yourself lucky! He had no intentions to R! He is just using that as a convenient excuse. I repeat, he is just USING THAT AS A CONVENIENT EXCUSE.


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

old timer said:


> Three fingers of Jameson w/ two Hail Marys tonight and call your priest in the morning.
> 
> .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not longer catholic but will happily do the Jameson and a few bloody Mary's


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

Remains said:


> This!
> 
> Your whole thread is based around how you feel! Not how others feel.
> 
> ...


You're on point. It hurts but I think you're right about it all. I did to end the affair and also to shame and I feel bad I acted this way. But what's done is done. And I need to forgive myself and move on.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

ChknNoodleSoup said:


> *I'm not longer catholic* but will happily do the Jameson and a few bloody Mary's


If your upbringing included CCD or catechism your psyche is well steeped in catholic-guilt (and it shows!)


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

ChknNoodleSoup said:


> But no, honestly, I don't think he feels sorry for me. I think he hates me. I see it in every action and word. I don't understand it. It hurts me. I are him defending her against me and I see the signs. He is in love with her. He says there is no her but he's lying.
> 
> I never lied or bad mouthed for the sake of bad mouthing. But I wasn't the good Christian wife either. And I think my catholic guilt is eating me over it. .


This has just validated what I thought and posted, but hadn't read through your.whole thread yet. 

He is not caring, he really doesn't care. You will screw your mind over trying to get him to care or to wonder why he doesn't. 

1. You need to understand he had mental health issues. Anyone who behaves like this, does. 

2. He is trying to hurt you as a game. It doesn't matter that he hurt you, that is unimportant. You hurt him! Therefore, he HAS to hurt you back.

3. Read up on manipulative behaviour. And projecting. This will help you. This is what normal people fail to understand because it is not in our nature. He is manipulating you, and that is mentally abusive. Read up on it, recognise it. See it. This is VERY important. 

4. Again, he is playing games with you. And because you are not qualified in dealing with them (no need to be, normal people are not!) then you fall for them. He has his script. You have yours (as we all do when unqualified. And very few people are). Do not fall for his games. Detach and stand afar watching and uncaring. If you cannot do this, pretend! 

5. Realisation and Enlightenment will follow! 

It takes time, but it will. And believe in yourself! And if you can't, pretend! 

If your friends were going to abandon you, they would have by now. STOP second guessing yourself! 

Read and educate and you will be free from the shackles of sh*t.


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## old_soldier (Jul 17, 2012)

ChknNoodleSoup said:


> It's true, but honestly I feel bad for him. Like, *he ****ed up. And now people know about it. *If every time I was a ****ty person someone exposed me, I don't think I'd like it. I'm not a cheater and I won't cheat, but I am not perfect. I hated when everyone *****ed about me gaining weight (thyroid and depression) and I felt so exposed. So I guess in a way, I feel that he's exposed to everyone at his ugliest too, and I just feel bad for him. I don't know that I should protect him, nor am I saying that, just that, I feel bad for him and bad that our friends know that about us.


1. AS IT SHOULD BE! Any man who cheats on his wife is a worthless dirtbag, he has no honour and is void of trustworthiness, If a man can not be true to the one person he made vows of fidelity to, how can he be expected to be true to people he made no vows to. Exposure shows all those in his social and professional circles that promises mean nothing nto him. His words mean nothing. 

Honour and integrity have nothing to do with physical attributes, whereas lieing and cheating has everything to do with honour and integrity. Gaining weight is *not the same as being a liar and a cheat. There is absolutly no honour in adultery. I would rather be fat with my dignity, my honour, my integrity, in tact, than be a lowlife cheater.

Face it, your stbxh acted like a lowlife and the more prople that know what kind of a man he is, the better. Maybe it will help him improve his morals.*


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> If your upbringing included CCD or catechism your psyche is well steeped in catholic-guilt (and it shows!)


My entire life up to the point of marriage was full of Catholic guilt, oldest daughter guilt, good girl guilt and being a worthless piece of failing **** that would never make anyone happy guilt. And then they wonder why the **** I was so insecure and depressed growing up. No wonder I let him treat me like **** and thought it was love. There are days when I think I don't deserve better. But there are days when I'm more "sober" and I realize everyone does. I dunno anymore. All I know is, everything sucks and I feel bad and now I feel worse after posting this.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

To ChknNoodleSoup

You were angry, rejected, and wanted to hurt him. You now feel that you hurt him permanently.

Now you are: 


> I'm beautiful (starting to believe it, anyway), I'm a good mom, a good cook, a decent person, a hardworking person, a decent friend.


You have healed some from the deep hurts and the excessive angry hurtful state that you were in. You are now remorseful because you are a good person that does not get any joy out of hurting someone even if they deserve to have consequences.

For various reasons you are remorseful and feel guilty for the damage that you did to your ex-husband and are advocating forgiveness and grace for him so that he will not always be judged as an evil person.


You are probably also wanting forgiveness for your vengeance. Your remorsefulness and guilt may serve a good purpose in that it has made you a person that is giving grace and looking for grace for yourself. Just like you going through the pain of the affair finally made you know that you deserved better, this pain of guilt can do you some good if handled the right way. You are already so very empathetic towards people and have a good attitude about grace.


If the time is right and you have suffered the guilt long enough to get the good that can come from it, then it is time to realize the next step. *The next step is for you to realize that your God does not intend for you to be guilty your whole life. He can set you free with His grace!*

pS 
* I am not Catholic*


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

ChknNoodleSoup said:


> My entire life up to the point of marriage was full of Catholic guilt, oldest daughter guilt, good girl guilt and being a worthless piece of failing **** that would never make anyone happy guilt. And then they wonder why the **** I was so insecure and depressed growing up. No wonder I let him treat me like **** and thought it was love. There are days when I think I don't deserve better. But there are days when I'm more "sober" and I realize everyone does. I dunno anymore. All I know is, everything sucks and I feel bad and now I feel worse after posting this.


You should seek IC. Your real issue seems to be a sense of guilt for practically everything -


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

You feel how you feel, but he literally spit on you and blamed you for his mistakes. He is an adult who made these decisions to cheat with no regard to you, so I do not see why you now feel guilty.

I struggled with the fact that I did not expose my H's 2nd EA with the same OW after 8 months of no contact while I thought we were in R. I even told him I think maybe I should have because my self esteem for not doing so was so low, I felt like a fool and a doormat. He said he would stand by me no matter my decision as he is serious about making amends and us living the rest of our lives together. This surprised me as when it happened the year before he said his family did not need to know this, like it was his decision, and I was so stunned I didn't know what to do, so I did nothing.

If anything even remotely like this happens again, I will expose it to his siblings, not sure about his Dad as he is elderly and not that healthy, but his brother and sisters, definitely and probably my two grown sons and stepson because the hypocrisy would be too much for me to bear, he gave them such consequences for lying as they were growing up, big time. It was the worst offense in our household.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You sound like a generally compassionate person who regrets having done something out of vengeance. You think he f*cked up just the way we all do and shouldn't have to suffer forever for it. But by the same token, if you think you f*cked up by exposing for the reasons you did, then you don't deserve to be punished forever for it either. Why do you have more compassion for him than you do for yourself?

I think there are several very valid reasons for exposure:

1. Telling the other betrayed spouse (OMW or OWH) about the cheating. I think this person has a right to know in order to make personal decisions.

2. Breaking the AP's out of their fog, if possible.

3. Safeguarding the reputation of the BS. Exposure could help to counteract the lies that the WS tells to justify the affair & these lies can do a lot of damage to the future of the BS.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

ChknNoodleSoup said:


> I did to end the affair and also to shame and I feel bad I acted this way. But what's done is done. And I need to forgive myself and move on.


So you're wrestling with your motives but the fact is you're only guilty of speaking the truth. He's the one guilty of being a slime ball who did something to be exposed. He hates that you didn't roll over and let him re-write you as the bad guy.

Imagine the (real) alternative where he's cheating on you, leaves you, and makes up stuff that everyone believes about how you caused him to leave. Seems like you think exposing him cheating took away an option where you and he would work things out.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> Imagine the (real) alternative where he's cheating on you, leaves you, and makes up stuff that everyone believes about how you caused him to leave.


Which is exactly what happened to me. Due to my self-esteem issues, and lots of guilt (also raised Catholic), etc., he was able to convince me for years that his EAs were nothing, I was crazy, etc., etc., etc. Then he finally wanted to split. Finally wanted to have a physical relationship with someone else. I didn't expose any of the EAs along the way. I covered for him, which was easy to do as our family all lived across the country. He has had depression and other mental issues over the years which he used to garner a lot of sympathy with me and others. (Before you get upset with me, since that time it also seems very likely that he also has some personality disorder issues, not just mood disorders.) He was verbally and emotionally abusive to me. I never exposed any of it. Until he left. And still not to his family or his friends. Only my family and my friends. And I am treated _very _differently by those two groups. He has obviously blamed me for our split, and painted me very black. His family, especially, treats me very differently from the way they did when we first told them we were splitting. All I told them was that he initiated the split and I didn't want it. Never anything else. I can guess why their view of me has changed.

Do I wish I'd been more honest? Yes. Definitely. Not because it would have given us more or less of a chance at an R, but because it was the truth. And *I* don't deserve to be lied about. I am still my son's mother, and I don't want my Ex's family possibly spreading untruths about the break-up of our family to my son. Because I took some high road. I went through a lot of hell with my ex, and it's taken a lot of work to recover. Regretting my silence was something I realized early on.

And Soup -- yes, everyone F's up from time to time, but not everyone cheats. And each time you cheat, it's easier to do it. By exposing him, you might be saving a woman from getting cheated on by him in the future.


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> Which is exactly what happened to me. Due to my self-esteem issues, and lots of guilt (also raised Catholic), etc., he was able to convince me for years that his EAs were nothing, I was crazy, etc., etc., etc. Then he finally wanted to split. Finally wanted to have a physical relationship with someone else. I didn't expose any of the EAs along the way. I covered for him, which was easy to do as our family all lived across the country. He has had depression and other mental issues over the years which he used to garner a lot of sympathy with me and others. (Before you get upset with me, since that time it also seems very likely that he also has some personality disorder issues, not just mood disorders.) He was verbally and emotionally abusive to me. I never exposed any of it. Until he left. And still not to his family or his friends. Only my family and my friends. And I am treated _very _differently by those two groups. He has obviously blamed me for our split, and painted me very black. His family, especially, treats me very differently from the way they did when we first told them we were splitting. All I told them was that he initiated the split and I didn't want it. Never anything else. I can guess why their view of me has changed.
> 
> Do I wish I'd been more honest? Yes. Definitely. Not because it would have given us more or less of a chance at an R, but because it was the truth. And *I* don't deserve to be lied about. I am still my son's mother, and I don't want my Ex's family possibly spreading untruths about the break-up of our family to my son. Because I took some high road. I went through a lot of hell with my ex, and it's taken a lot of work to recover. Regretting my silence was something I realized early on.
> 
> And Soup -- yes, everyone F's up from time to time, but not everyone cheats. And each time you cheat, it's easier to do it. By exposing him, you might be saving a woman from getting cheated on by him in the future.


I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

It's OK, I've been getting help, doing a lot of work and moving on. I was just giving another side of that same Catholic guilt, lol -- not wanting to tattle, etc.

Don't beat yourself up about this. Truly, people who understand will give you a pass, even if they don't agree with the exposure. They will be more upset by the truly awful things like the cheating and abuse. They should also be bothered that your ex is showing no remorse, no desire to get help and be a better person. If that doesn't bother them, then that tells me a lot about those people, too. ((hugs)), CNS.


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> It's OK, I've been getting help, doing a lot of work and moving on. I was just giving another side of that same Catholic guilt, lol -- not wanting to tattle, etc.
> 
> Don't beat yourself up about this. Truly, people who understand will give you a pass, even if they don't agree with the exposure. They will be more upset by the truly awful things like the cheating and abuse. They should also be bothered that your ex is showing no remorse, no desire to get help and be a better person. If that doesn't bother them, then that tells me a lot about those people, too. ((hugs)), CNS.


Thanks! I'm glad to hear you're doing all that good stuff to improve your life. And you're right. I am not happy with how I acted but I did it and it's done and I want to forgive myself and move on. And those who are good friends would understand and those who aren't well, I'm making changes and they can be some of them.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

OhGeesh said:


> Exposure is only good for ending a affair and imo and is a last resort "tactic" at ending a affair only. Or as the OP said to cause the spouse "pain" and hurt because they felt pain and hurt.
> 
> Longterm it is better for everyone, friends, family etc not to know other peoples demons that's the problem with exposure. The minute someone is labelled as a: gambler, alcoholic, abuser, drug user, thief, cheater etc etc it is very hard to ever get others to see that person any other way. Being a realist look at people you know in your life that have been labelled that way do you think of them in a better light than when you previously did not know? Rarely is finding out such information a positive imo.
> 
> ...


The problem with this, in a case like mine.. where you are trying to R your marriage, is that you split because of cheating... so if a drug user checks into rehab, or a thief checks into jail, the cheater moves into moms spare room and it's out there. You can only hide it so well.. and at the end of the day, not exposing makes the BS feel as if the WS is getting away with something, that somehow they've helped the WS propagate the lie and deception of the affair... basically you're now just another person lying to cover up the affair. On the other side, a person who's cheating because of low self esteem and poor self image, now has to deal with being knocked lower.. they already felt like scum and were validating that through cheating, and now you've exposed them as acting like scum to family and friends.. It pulls them from the fog, but also hurts them badly. In most cases, when you find out about an affair you're not all that concerned about hurting the other person badly as you're in quite a bit of pain yourself at that moment that was caused by the other persons actions and lack of concern about hurting you.


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

There is another marriage help website out there that advocates widespread exposure in every case. They fail to acknowledge just how destructive this can be in many situations.

Another approach I have heard about is disclosure before exposure. With disclosure, you find someone who has a great deal of influence on the wayward spouse, whether it be a parent, sibling, mentor, etc. Then you disclose to this person and ask them to exert their influence to help save your marriage.

That website also advocates exposing the the children, even at a surprisingly young age. I think this is horrible advice in many situations as it invariably leads to the parents playing the blame game to the children. 

If you're going to expose, it should be targeted and surgical rather than just shouting from the rooftops. People that should be told include the wayward's family, maybe a few close friends, and the affair partner's spouse. If it is a workplace affair and both partners refuse to change jobs, the workplace exposure is necessary.

This is all assuming that you're trying to break up the affair to save the marriage.

If the decision is to divorce, then exposure is not nearly as necessary and can actually be the wrong thing to do. The wayward is often so "in love" that they are anxious to do a quick divorce and will make concessions to do so. You also want the spouse gainfully employed so you get the most favorable child support split.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

NatureDave said:


> There is another marriage help website out there that advocates widespread exposure in every case. They fail to acknowledge just how destructive this can be in many situations.
> 
> Another approach I have heard about is disclosure before exposure. With disclosure, you find someone who has a great deal of influence on the wayward spouse, whether it be a parent, sibling, mentor, etc. Then you disclose to this person and ask them to exert their influence to help save your marriage.
> 
> ...


When I exposed, it was because I was devastated and needed to talk to family and friends.. my children knew, because they were in the house when I confronted my wife, and heard us fighting.. I'm sure much of it was the 'look at what she did to me' factor.. and wanting someone to talk me into divorce, and out of reconciling.

My WS needed the wake up call.. she needed to know that everyone now knew that she wasn't the person she was pretending to be (perfect wife and mother), and she needed to own her choices and actions. She needed the slap back to reality to break her from the fantasy and excuse making...

I've explained to my children (they are young adults), about how a mid life crisis can make people do self destructive things, how Mom needs us more than ever, she's hurting etc.. I never once turned them on her. My daughter had a pinning ceremony about two weeks after DDay, she asked if I thought she should still have Mom pin her.. I told her to not do that to her mother, that she's so proud of her and that it means the world to her. Don't do something out of hate and anger that you'll regret.. etc... This is the daughter that always says she holds a grudge.. She gave my wife a nice Mothers Day card, and the pinning ceremony was nice. I've actually helped do as much damage control as I could with family and the kids as far as them understanding how remorseful she is and how she's working hard to heal the pain she's caused.

At the end of the day, just like the A.. you can't turn back the clock, and if it's out, it's out... there's no sense in beating yourself up about it, reactions during emotional trauma are hard to gauge and throttle.. When dealing with A, regrets are everywhere...


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Although A's tend to follow a general pattern, as these differing opinions (and actions) indicate, every situation is unique in its own way. 

There is no "cookie-cutter" standard answer for exposure, IMO. 

.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Exposure serves a number of purposes, even if you don't feel anything good came from it.

His family and friends will still support him. Your family will support you etc. But it at least lays out the truth. Now he may lie etc. to his family, but at least its "on record". You'll get more support from your side of the equation. It may not feel like you accomplished anything but you did.

It's also removing a weight. You won't feel this now, but 10-20 years down the road, when you look back, you'll feel good that it was put out there.

Good luck to you.


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## sarcasmo (Feb 1, 2013)

I do understand where you are coming from, Soup. I struggle with my recent exposure as well. Don't get me wrong, I feel justified in my actions. I wanted desperately to shake my STBXW out of her affair fog, but she withdrew from the marriage too long ago and has moved on.

The guilt I feel is that, while she treated me like dirt, she has never bad-mouthed me to anyone (aside from maybe POSOM, but even there, who knows). Yet I turn around and pull this stunt. People have gone as far as to say that I'm playing God. That hurts. 

People are free to think what they want. I know that I acted out of desperation, not vengeance. But I still feel a lot of guilt over the entire event.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

sarcasmo said:


> I do understand where you are coming from, Soup. I struggle with my recent exposure as well. Don't get me wrong, I feel justified in my actions. I wanted desperately to shake my STBXW out of her affair fog, but she withdrew from the marriage too long ago and has moved on.
> 
> The guilt I feel is that, while she treated me like dirt, she has never bad-mouthed me to anyone (aside from maybe POSOM, but even there, who knows). Yet I turn around and pull this stunt. People have gone as far as to say that I'm playing God. That hurts.
> 
> People are free to think what they want. I know that I acted out of desperation, not vengeance. But I still feel a lot of guilt over the entire event.


Sarcasmo, I haven't read your story so I'm not sure in what way you exposed, but I would say that you judge someone by their whole treatment of you.

Someone may not verbally insult you to others, but if they treat you like dirt, that is worse. 

To me it comes down to this. If you go out and betray someone (don't think of your own personal situation) to the level that infidelity is, you should expect some type of repercussions from them. 

It's like, try walking up to a biker at a bar and slap him. Random stranger...would you expect a fight to happen? I'd hope so LOL.

A spouse who cheats on their spouse and is "surprised" or plays the victim card when their BS outs the affair is really showing their narcissism in that very act. It's the "I can do whatever I want and there are no consequences" attitude rearing it's head AGAIN.

Sorry you feel the way you do Sarcasmo. It's just the icing on the cake of how our WS hurt and betrayed us.


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Sarcasmo, I haven't read your story so I'm not sure in what way you exposed, but I would say that you judge someone by their whole treatment of you.
> 
> Someone may not verbally insult you to others, but if they treat you like dirt, that is worse.
> 
> ...


Agreed, Sarcasmo. I feel your pain and I'm sorry you're there. I wish WS had the guts and the balls to admit they effed up and move on rather than blame us for everything. It kinda sucks. Yes, everything has two sides but when my stbx was an unavailable spouse I didn't cheat even when I had the opportunity as I had a guy at work constantly flirting with me and I was a prude about it!. And I was never unavailable to stbx yet he found a million ways to blame me. Just like your WS I'm assuming from your post.


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