# Constantly finding myself furrowing my brow...



## AmILucky? (Jul 19, 2012)

My partner and I have been together just on 3 years. We recently moved in together (about 3 months ago), and for the first couple of months things went swimmingly.

My partner's job has always been an issue for me - he is incredibly bright, but dropped out of university about 8 years ago. Since then, he has worked in a leisure/sporting facility (which shall remain unidentifiable!), granted, in a position of reasonable responsibility, but the pay is terrible and the business is not going well, so there is no real job security.

I, on the other hand, have a job which, 80% of the time, I can tolerate, and it brings in good money. I had been roughly planning for a job like this because I knew it would be a great choice for when we started a family, it is secure, pays well, and there are excellent options available for workers with families. I earn about $20k more than my partner, which, in the scheme of things, isn't much, together we bring in what would be a comfortable income for a family with kids (if it was the man earning the higher salary), but as we move towards marriage and kids (we are both 29 and there is starting to be a lot of buzz around us getting engaged) I am getting nervous that I am going to be left shouldering both the financial and family burdens, and I do not want the example we set for our children to be one of "stressed out mum, always angry at dad", and on my partner's side, I don't want our kids to look at him and think that it is okay to just drop out of uni and not do anything to better yourself.

Having said all of this, in almost all other regards, my partner is wonderful. He is an excellent help around the house, incredibly patient with my occasionally OTT Type A personality, does all those little nice things that make life easier (like making my breakfast for me most mornings), and, I think, for a boy, he tries. I feel terrible for doing this, but I compare him to my friends' partners, and this is where the resentment starts to creep in - their bfs/husbands all earn more than them, they like most of their bf's/husband's friends (I don't feel comfortable with many of my bf's friends), and I'm sure most of them weren't silently worrying that their partner would baulk at spending decent coin on an engagement ring (for the record, I do not want anything expensive, I think anything over $3500 is too much), yet I find myself constnatly worrying and trying to think ahead for the both of us to make sure that we come out okay.

Despite not earning much, my partner owns (with a mortgage) his own home which we are currently renting out - the money from rent is intended to supplement his income/savings when he starts an apprenticeship - which is what appears to be his best option career-wise if he wants to get some kind of qualification in an area he is good at - he is great with practical stuff, incredible with electronics and would like to be an electrician. I also own (with a mortgage) the place we are living in now, we both have about $10k in savings each, and no debt apart from our mortgages, which are relatively manageable - he works extra jobs to supplement his income.

He is financially responsible, not as much as me but I am a bit of a worrier (can't you tell?!) and talk myself out of buying things 'just for me', and then I end up resenting my friends doing that, and thoughts of "well it's okay for you, your bf/husband picks up the slack" enter my head, which I feel terrible about. 

With him working all these extra hours, I find myself mulling over our situation on a daily basis, and stumbling onto sites like this. In the past two months I have started feeling just, kinda, moderately blue on a daily basis - I'm not really interested in sex anymore (but usually enjoy it once we get into it), he occasionally has problems with "prematurity" which, when it threatens to err, raise it's head ;-), make sex not as relaxed and enjoyable as it could be. Before we got together I hadn't had much experience sexually, but always thought I would be a bit of a sex kitten when I was in a relationship, but now I find I'm just a bit shy about the whole thing. He isn't great at telling me what he thinks of me in that way, and while I'm sure he enjoys sex, he isn't chasing me round the house for it all the time - which sometimes I would really like!

My parents LOVE him, I have an extremely close relationship with them and they know me and what's good for me like nobody else - sometimes even better than I know myself! I have told them that if they had any doubts about me marrying him that they could tell me and that I wouldn't be a rebellious child and marry him to spite them, adn they were horrified, and said they were just hanging out for the day he proposes because they can't wait to have him as a proper son-in-law.

I desperately want to marry him (I even have my dream ring, well within his budget, picked out on Blue Nile ;-) ), but I'm scared to do that before I know what our financial future is going to look like. We broke up briefly (2.5 days!) about 18 months ago over the whole job thing, and also we fell into some "men are from mars, women are from venus" communication traps, but I think we are much better at communicating, and seeing each other's side of things, as a result, it certainly made us both grow up and now he is better at manning up and facing issues, and I am not so much of a princess!

Am I falling into that dangerous trap of comparing him to other guys? Is all this sitting on my own, mulling over our relationship, doing it more harm than good? Reading some of the other contributors' experiences, I realise I have things A LOT better than many other people, but, I just don't want that to be us in 15-20 years time, are the doubts I'm having now setting us up for that kind of situation down the track?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Okay let me get this straight. You don't like his choice of jobs. You resent the fact that you make more money than him. AND your sex life is already lacking.

But you "desperately" want to marry him, you've already picked out the ring and mommy daddy can't wait to have a "proper son in law".

Sweetie I've been where you are...TWICE. My sincere advice is hold off on buying that dress. If you're having this many complaints this soon after moving in with him you aren't ready. My hope is that you eventually see that you are settling and that there is a better guy out there for you. This guy isn't him. When you meet THE ONE you don't get on TAM this soon to complain about him.

Job security is a big deal. Money is a big deal. Sex is a big deal. To think you can rug sweep these biggies is naive.


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

AmILucky? said:


> Am I falling into that dangerous trap of comparing him to other guys?


YES. Absolutely.

Looks like you guys are frugal and happy by yourselves but unhappy when you realize that your friends have more than you. This means your happiness (and your feelings for him) is predicated by what others have. I have news for you. There will always be someone out there that has more money than you which means you will never be happy and most likely always resent him. 

It isn't fair that your compare him to your friend's husband. How would you feel if he resented you for not being as attractive as your friends? 

Bottom line : Can you be happy with what he has to offer you now? If the answer is no then Mavash is right, you need to find someone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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