# Husband and my family hate each other, blowup at Christmas



## tsbob2010 (Jan 1, 2013)

This is my first post, I really need an objective view on what's been going on in my life. I hope it doesn't get too long, I don't know where to begin really.

DH and I have been together for 12 years, married for 4. DH and my family have a history of not getting along. It started when I first dated him. My dad and DH didn't have any chemistry, it was hard for them to have a conversation. They are two different kinds of people really. This wasn't acceptable to my dad, who says he talks to people from all walks of life at his job, and if you can't talk to him there's something wrong with you. My husband is introverted, intellectual and pretty private, he's not going to be the outgoing, talkative go-getter that my dad wants him to be. So it was a bad first impression from the beginning. 

Over the years I made the bad decision of confiding in my mom when DH and I were having problems. It helped to talk about it at the time but now my mom uses what she knows as ammunition when we get in fights. To them, it was never acceptable that DH do anything wrong or do anything to hurt me at all, so they don't understand why I would still be with him. After all, he's not super ambitious and doesn't burn the candle at both ends to make me happy. My dad has a very stressful sales job and my mom doesn't work, even after all of her children have left the nest. My dad expects my relationship to be the same. I actually want to work and I don't want DH to half kill himself at a job he hates so that I can do whatever I feel like doing. 

So there have been years of building resentment between my family and DH. DH doesn't do enough for me, not ambitious enough, doesn't take care of me. Essentially every problem I've ever had is due to DH not being good enough according to mom and dad. 

It has gotten really bad lately. Three months ago, DH and I had our first baby. My mom and dad were in the hospital room with me and DH and I had just found out I needed an emergency c-section. It was 5 minutes until I was going to be on the operating table and my mom was handing me the phone insisting I talk to my sister and DH wanted some time for us to prepare for what was about to happen. DH did something really gutsy and said "I think you should leave now" and they were livid. They eventually left and apparently my mother was bawling uncontrollably and my dad said that was the worst moment of his life, we acted like children and ruined the birth of his first grandchild. They have been able to see our son whenever they wanted and were able to see him right after the birth. But it made the rocky relationship with DH even worse. 

So Christmas eve DH baby and I came over to mom and dads to visit. Our baby was getting hungry and I forgot the formula over at DH's mom and dads. DH sighed and leaned back in his chair, out of frustration that we might have to go back out onto the icy roads to get the formula. My dad raised his voice at him and said "all you have to do is go get the formula, what's the problem?" and now they are saying he's abusive toward me, I'm in denial about our relationship, and my sister, who has no right doling out relationship advice, will not get off my back and suggested I should get divorced. 

On Christmas morning my sister insisted on talking about what happened the night before and I absolutely lost it. I said some things you can't take back while trying to stand up for my husband. I don't think it's abusive that DH sighed in front of my parents. Was it the most tactful thing to do? No. But I don't think it was abusive. Things are so screwed up right now, and now I have a beautiful 3 month old in the middle of this mess. My family is starting to imply that my baby shouldn't live in that kind of environment. I don't know how far they would go. 

I don't know what to do. My parents think they are right and my husband thinks he is right. I'm stuck in the middle trying to make sense of everything. I love my husband and our relationship together. He loves me and looks out for my best interest. He's not perfect and neither am I, we've had our ups and downs. But we love each other and I feel like compared to other couples, we have alot that others don't have. 

Apologies for how long this was, any advice would be great.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I think the key is when you stated they got off to a bad start and neither side recovered.

At some point in time all parties have to call a truce, forgive all the past and start anew. Suggest just that. Also, tell your folks that maybe your marriage isn't perfect but this is your husband and some respect as such is due him. Tell your husband to make the extra effort to be polite and respectful... This can be overcome and never stop trying. Make it a point to keep the best possible relationship with all.


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

When you said I do to at your wedding that's when you I don't to mommy and daddy.
Stop telling your business to your parents, your still their little girl. You don't need to involve them
in your marriage. Your husband was 100% correct telling its time to leave at the hospital. 
You know by what you told us your husband is a private guy. He wanted the birth to be special
for you and him. 
Tell your parents you support your husband and you will no longer tolerate their insults of him. You would want him
to do the same if the shoe was in the other foot. You have a newborn. You have plenty of other
important things to worry about than them. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## d4life (Nov 28, 2012)

I honestly can't believe how much this post is like my life. Maybe not to the same extreme but close. The difference is my husband is a go getter and has a great job, so that wont make a difference really. We have been married for 23 years. Still, because of my husbands personality of being quite and with him not being very social, I guess they get offended. Let me just say that it does get better with time.

I made the mistake of confiding in my mother when we were first married too. It took a while to kind of rebuild that relationship between her and my husband, and 23 years later my mom still complains some. Not always, but some. I ignore it. She is very sweet and respectful to him, but he is still quite. He will do anything for her too. She has been great to our family and he knows how close we all are so he respects her too. We even stay there some. He is just quite. :rofl: 

Over the years, I have had to defend his personality to everyone. He is the way he is and I love him but he is just quite. Some people see him as a snob.  He's supper smart, a great father and one of the sweetest men you would ever meet. 

Have you tried to explain to her that it's just his personality and that he doesnt mean anything disrespectful by it? My husband honestly doesnt, he is just quite.

In your case with the formula, my husband may have also sighed, but he would have got right up and gone to the store for the formula before anyone would have had a chance to say anything. 

I think you need to have a talk with your parents and let them understand that you love him, you are happy with the way things are. He is not abusive to you in anyway, he just has a different personality than what they are used to. Everyone is different. They need to respect you and him and your relationship. Explain that you need for him to feel welcome in their home when he comes because it is NO FUN being in the middle. They need to do this to keep peace in the family and to be around their grand baby with out issues. I HATED that stress! I still do at times. 

You need to tell your sister to butt out. She will have her own issues one of these days and they may be far worse than having a quite-non social husband.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

In the situation you described on XMas, your family was out of line. Just about anyone would have had the same initial reaction your husband did. Who wants to have to leave a warm holiday gathering to drive on icy streets?

How far away do his parents live from your parents.

I think that you do need to have a talk with your parents and sister. Tell them that they were out of hand at the hospital as YOU were feeling worn out and overwhelmed with so many people in the room, with a phone being forced on you... that you needed some peace because you were facing serious surgery. Tell them that you are glad that your husband asked that everyone leave the room because that is what you needed at that moment in time. Their excitement about the grandbaby about to be born apparently led to them losing sight of the fact that you were going through a lot and did not need a crowd at that moment. But also tell them that you forgive them because you understand their excitement.

Tell them something similar about XMas. That you support your husband. That his reaction was to the thought of having to drive in bad weather. Nothing wrong with his reaction. That you do not appreciate them taking every opportunity that presents itself to attack your husband and your marriage.

If they want to have a relationship with their grandson they need to learn to treat his father, and your husband, with respect.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Stop fighting with your family about your husband. Don't engage with any of their negativity. They don't have to like him, but if they love you & want what is best for you (not them), they need to treat him with, at the very least, respect.

Once you change your behavior, I am sure they will change as well.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You seem to already know what you should do. Show support for your H, since you appear to love and respect him. Stop confiding your marital irritations to your mother, since she clearly cannot listen without indulging in damaging judgement. Just stop behaving this way. The entire change can come from you.

I had a dynamic similar to this years ago with my H complaining to his parents about me and them in turn treating me badly. My own mother had died & I was very much alone in this dynamic. I told my H he needed to tell his parents that our private life was between us and that he had to stop complaining - after all, he only talked when he had something to complain about, so they never heard about the good things & always only had his perceptions.

He honored this and things changed dramatically. So, I would suggest that you be the one to change what you are doing. You are a grown woman, married with children. You have a right to declare your life for you, your husband and your children. It also sounds like your H has earned this gesture.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

It sounds as if your parents are not respecting your right to have your own priorities about who you spend your life with and how. 

I would set them straight with a reminder that YOU are living your life, not them, and that you'd like their support as you do it.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

You are married to your husband not your parents, sister, etc. If they cannot respect your choices and how you want to live your life then they don't deserve to be in your life. Tell them that you would love to continue to see them and interract with them, and you would love for them to enjoy and watch their grandchildren grow up, but if they cannot be respectful they will not be part of your family's lives.


----------



## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Your family is out of line. By all means stand up for your husband. He is the one you are going to grow old with and spend time with. 

I just don't get all these labor stories where people get upset. I allowed just one person in the room when my kids were born. It is a stressful situation and doesn't need to be a three-ring circus. Your DH had every right to ask them to leave.


----------



## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Ha... If there was my mother-in-law trying to hand phones to my wife moments before my son's birth, I would have picked her up and carried her out myself.

I didn't even need to ask. As soon as the moment was going to happen, my mother-in-law told my father-in-law to both GTFO before I said something... I have really great in-laws, and we get along great.

Your parents sound very meddlesome, and you sound excessively pacifist and blindly loyal to avoiding confrontation with your parents... You mention not being able to decide but from your post it all seems like no-brainers, sorry.

I was the first to carry my son, I was the one who washed him, I was the one who cut the cord, and I was the one whose eyes he first looked into when he first opened his... The ONLY people I would tolerate around me during this moment were the doctor (reluctant necessity) and my wife (duh!)... Yeah right I would have had in-laws or parents crowding me or yappin around me... Don't think so... 

Sounds tribalistic... Tell your parents to back off.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

tsbob2010 said:


> Things are so screwed up right now, and now I have a beautiful 3 month old in the middle of this mess. My family is starting to imply that my baby shouldn't live in that kind of environment. I don't know how far they would go.


Who cares how far they would go? They are NOT YOUR FAMILY. Your husband and your child ARE YOUR FAMILY.

The rest of your family is now your SECONDARY family, ok? I know it's hard to understand and it is scary since you have strong people in your FOO, but your allegiance belongs with your husband.

Start leaving them where they belong - in the periphery of your new life and your new family.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And read this book- it will teach you how to start standing up to your family: The Dance Of Anger. VERY easy read, quick book, but very powerful.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You're not stuck in the middle. You're a wife and mother. Get your priorities straight. Personally I would cut off the parents until they can apologize and respect you both as adults. You make the decisions in your life. And as a mother. And they need to respect your marriage. Until you lay down the law, you'll always just be a little girl who they control.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Yeah... This one's not hard.
The picture you paint of your parents and sister is of destructive, selfish, horrible people.

You are a mother. You need to protect your child from destructive influences regardless of the title these people have. You have to dedicate your life to being a great wife to your husband and a great mother to your child... And allow your husband to focus on same. And any threats to your nuclear family need to be put outside your sphere of thought where they can do no harm.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

tsbob2010 said:


> I don't know what to do. My parents think they are right and my husband thinks he is right. I'm stuck in the middle trying to make sense of everything. I love my husband and our relationship together. He loves me and looks out for my best interest. He's not perfect and neither am I, we've had our ups and downs. But we love each other and I feel like compared to other couples, we have alot that others don't have.
> 
> Apologies for how long this was, any advice would be great.


You don't need to do anything. Ask your husband to do whatever he thinks is needed to protect your marriage. Let him take care of everything and all you do is support him and make sure he knows that he has your support. I'm sure he can figure out what to do, if not, write us back for suggestions


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Her Parents & Sister are taking a lot of heat in this post.

If my daughter "complained" for years about her husband, I would not think very highly about him. I would be respectful but sometimes we say things in anger especially when we are bottling up feelings.

I think you created this situation, as you know, by complaining about your husband to your family. You have the power to undo this.

I would tell them that you NOW know you should never have complained about your husband to them. Don't blame them. Ask them to show respect to your husband from this point forward to be good role model Grandparents to their Grandchild & also it is what you now expect.

Put your foot down now. Your family will have lots of "opinions" on how you should raise your child (which you won't agree with lol) so now is a good time to grow a pair.


----------



## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

It's your life, not your parents. They need to grow up, back off and allow you to live your life. In addition, for the sake of family and their grandchild, they need to learn to live with your decisions. Furthermore, you need to decide what's most important: your parents or your Husband and son. If your parents can't respect your decisions, it might be best to stay away from them for a while.


----------



## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Your husband was right to chase out the grandparents at the hospital, they were over stepping their position. They seem to see you still as a child. This is why the Bible talks about leaving your family and cleaving to your spouse. Ultimately you have to decide if you want to be their child or his wife. 

However, it doesn't have to come to that point. You don't seem to understand your power as the mother of their grandchild. They have to learn that to have access to the children they have to learn to be GRANDparents. I recommend that you have a conversation with them. Just you them and the baby. Explain to them your position, this may not be easy, so you may want to write it out for yourself. You want them in your lives, but they have to respect your marriage. They will probably never like him or vice versa, but they can learn to be civil to one another. 

They won't like you talking to them that way, but they need to learn you are a grown woman and they are causing damage to your marriage. You will probably have to limit their interaction with husband until they all learn to play with one another. Grandparents that don't play nice, get less contact with baby than grandparents that do play nice.


----------

