# Want my wife back



## boilermaker52 (Nov 28, 2011)

Hello.
I'm having quite a time with my wife lately. We're married going on 25 years and she looks as good today as she did when I met here 26 years ago. However, she's no longer interested in intimacy, affection, doing anything with me, or hardly even getting along anymore. All she ever wants to do is go to her sisters all the time.
For some background, back in April my mother died. She was the only real mother my wife had. Then 5 weeks later the wife's dad died. He had been suffering with COPD for 10 years and the time finally came. She had promised him that she'd pull the plug if necessary and the doctors all agreed that it was time. There was no more life to be lead. The trouble was that I could not be there even though she called me just prior to here doing the deed and telling me I had to be there. I had no idea this was going to happen as he had been in this condition before. One more bit of history. He had abused her when she was young and I had little to do with him because of this.
Anyway, I had just had my eyes operated on 2 days before this event took place and I was sitting at home in excrutiating pain that nothing would help. I couldn't get off a chair to help myself. It was elective surgery (PRK vision correction) but I had put it off so long that she told me to go ahead with it even though her dad was in the hospital. Her kids would have picked me up and taken me (the hospital was 55 miles away in the city). I chose to stay at home. She called me later and told me what she did. I was surprised. She came home that night and sat on the couch and I didn't move. As is the nature of this woman, I had no idea how to approach her as so many times in the past she simply pushed me away when I tried to comfort her for something. I just listened and waited. Maybe I should have done something but I truly didn't know what to do.
Now, the marriage is more like 2 people sharing a house. She moved into the other bedroom a year before but now there's no affection, hugging, kissing, sex, or any interest in doing anything together. I ask her to do things and she turns me down all the time. I've quit asking. There seems to be nothing she wants to do. However, should someone else ask her to do something, she's johny-on-the-spot.
I can't stand feeling like a brother and not a husband. We've talked endlessly about it and she simply says she's not interested in affection or anything physical but she loves me. We talked about going our separate ways but that didn't happen as she would be unable to support herself on her income.
Another point that has me bothered. She sold her dad's house and got half the money ($34,000). Her sister got the other half. She put the money in the bank and used 9 grand to pay down the credit card as had been planned but didn't pay it all off. Then she gave her 2 kids 2 grand each. All 4 of our kids (2 each previous marriages) are grown and on their own. My 2 got nothing. The rest of the money is just sitting there and I'm not allowed to touch it. I've tried to get her to pay off some more of our debt like the house or car or something but she won't. I have a problem with this since we're suppose to be a team and for 25 years I've given her every cent I earned all the time. I've shared everything with her, even extra money I made doing work on the side. And now she refuses to share hers. This has me very upset and feeling used.
OK. You all have a pretty good idea of what I'm up against. Is there ANYTHING anyone can say or tell me or suggest? Counseling was suggested but she refused. I even spoke to her doctor about it. I'm sure she's depressed because of her dad and my mom but this all happened in May. It's now January 2012. I want to be happy but with her. I don't know if that will happen now. But 25 years is a lot to throw away too.
I haven't always been the model husband but I never ran around, and I don't even drink. I guess at times I was selfish though. I've tried to make up for it however to no avail. She's had her moments too though so neither one of us is perfect but now this is happening.
Anyone???


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Death of parents, even abusive ones, can really wreak havoc on people. That was really the catalyst for my wife cheating on me.

You will get a lot of good advice from the forum, but I'd start with checking her phone records, texts, FB, email, etc. for signs of another man. She has a ton of the signs for a cheater.

It's possible she's sticking around because it's financially secure for her and she's keeping the money for her escape.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Abusive parents beget abusive children.

She is putting you in your place.

Are you willing to tolerate it?


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## JRA (Jan 20, 2012)

Wow. That is a lot of heavy stuff. I think the first question you need to ask yourself is truthfully whether you still love her or if not, if you even want to try to love her again. If you do then IMHO it will take some very hard work on your part but your relationship may be salvageable especially if she is going through depression like you suspect (which as a side note if she is experiencing she does need medical attention (preferably CBT with or without drugs, but I'll get to that in a minute)). 

The biggest thing from my experience and perspective is you have to be there for her without pressuring or pushing her. Ask her how she is doing, if there is anything on her mind, if she wants to talk, etc. and listen without interrupting or multitasking and keeping an open posture/eye contact. If she says no, then say okay but let her know you are available if she ever does. 

The next thing I would recommend is being creative. Given the length of your relationship I am sure you know this better than I do that supporting each other is not just verbal communication it is also body language and being together. For this I would recommend you cook her favorite meal or order from her favorite restaurant on a random day and surprise her for dinner. Dont offer an explanation of why you did but if she asks then tell her that you just wanted to do something to make her happy and let her know that you care about her. 

The third thing (my last for now at least) is counseling. Grief is a tremendously debilitating force and especially given you already sleep in separate rooms (why is that by the way?) it can make emotional distance grow significantly. A person who has gone from grief even further to depression can have even more problems including not fully recognizing their depression or needing help or not knowing how to ask for help even though they certainly need it. If she refuses to go to couples counseling with you right now then say okay and for the moment instead just go by yourself. Speak with a licensed counselor and explain your situation. My guess is your counselor will initially discuss your concerns with you and ultimately ask you to bring your wife. At that point you arent asking her to go to counseling but rather to support the counseling you are undergoing. Hopefully from there she will be inspired to try talking too. 

I hope you find my suggestions useful, I am a random person off the internet but I hope you now see me as a friend and know I wish you the best.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

I dont think she is cheating she has lost two important people in her life women show their emotions different to men. I think she need bereavment counselling so that she can let out emotions that she has locked up. Some people find it hard to open up to their spouse when they have gone through something like this. The money issue is different that should be something that you speak to her about and let her know that you feel that she should be sharing it with you.


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## 123savemarriage (Dec 30, 2011)

You know what.
Prayer can change people and even situation.
Just TRY it and it really works.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

123savemarriage said:


> You know what.
> Prayer can change people and even situation.
> Just TRY it and it really works.


Prayer is helpful for broken hearts.

But, be warned, experience tells me it's impossible to "love" the pathology out of another person.

They have to want it gone.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You could be talking about my wife.
Since she cant support herself you ought to be in a better position.
I cant speak for the financial details, but if a woman refuses sex and cant support herself you should be threatening divorce.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

She refuses to go to MC, work on the marriage, and you're basically doing in-house separation. This is not a marriage and she's not your wife, she's your roommate. I suggest that you do the 180, look it up so you can detach. Then prepare for divorce. If she's not in an affair now, she soon will be. She will be looking for a man to fulfill her needs because she doesn't want you. I'm surprised you havent gotten the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech. Its only when she faces the reality of losing you that she may come to the table and work with you to repair the marriage.

Some of these stay at home moms are the most selfish, self-entitled princesses. Time to man up and demand she do her part. She allegedly goes to her sisters all the time. Have you verified this?  Does she guard her phone all the time? Is she on the internet all the time? Does she have her phone password protected? Does she password protect the computer? The emotional and physical withdrawal from you are huge red flags.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## boilermaker52 (Nov 28, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> She refuses to go to MC, work on the marriage, and you're basically doing in-house separation. This is not a marriage and she's not your wife, she's your roommate. I suggest that you do the 180, look it up so you can detach. Then prepare for divorce. If she's not in an affair now, she soon will be. She will be looking for a man to fulfill her needs because she doesn't want you. I'm surprised you havent gotten the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech. Its only when she faces the reality of losing you that she may come to the table and work with you to repair the marriage.
> 
> Some of these stay at home moms are the most selfish, self-entitled princesses. Time to man up and demand she do her part. She allegedly goes to her sisters all the time. Have you verified this? Does she guard her phone all the time? Is she on the internet all the time? Does she have her phone password protected? Does she password protect the computer? The emotional and physical withdrawal from you are huge red flags.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi. And thank you all. You however, hit the nail on the head. I HAVE gotten that talk. Although she never uses the internet (I've checked) she does indeed protect her cell phone like it's a child. I've snuck it out of her purse once or twice (yeah, I know. No one needs to say it) and I've found nothing on it either incoming or outgoing. Same on our land line. Her trips to her sisters have been absolutely verified by me many times.
It's very hard. I told her yesterday that if she wants to live like brother and sister, that's what she'll get. I even suggested that I change my bedroom with a single bed instead of the double. She took great interest in that but all negative - as if it was a threat to her welfare. I told her that I'd do my own shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. because that's what "roomies" do. She didn't like that idea either. Truly, I don't know what else to do. Yes, she looks just like there's someone else but she simply doesn't have the time - between the kids and me and her job and her sister, I can't imagine when she'd be able to do something like that. I've kept track and never found anything to indicate this is going on - even though I would have sworn it was.
I've read everyone's input and I love it all. You people, in your caring way, have given me some hope and forthright information. I can't tell you how much that means to me. I don't feel at all alone now. Thank You all So Much. And I look forward to hearing from more people as time goes on.
Wish me luck. I'm turning into a roomie. The only problem is, I might like it and want to start entertaining the idea of a new influence in my life in the form of a female. At this point, any interaction with a nice girl would probably sweep me off my feet. Even a guy my age has that ability.
God Bless you All
Keep it coming!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Boiler,

Emotionally broken people really have difficulty being nice to people they're close to. Somehow, significant others "become" the stand in for those they're really angry with.

My experience indicates we are unable to love the anger out of them and simply taking it doesn't help us (or them) either.

They have to WANT to get better. And, that won't happen if their partner is a doormat. Frantically trying to give your partner everything won't work. Being upset with them for criticizing you won't work either.

When I hear what you're planning, it sounds like you may simply be continuing to enable her. I'm not sure that's the best path.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

There are three books you should try, it can't hurt. "The Five Love Languages" ( this one may be available to read online), "Love Busters" and "His Needs Her Needs".

Please keep us posted sa to what helps and what doesn't.

Good luck


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

OK, so the OP's wife is about to pull the plug on her father and he has a means of getting there to be at her side, which was of utmost importance to her. Instead, OP decides to stay home because going is too much of an inconvenience. And then, when she gets home that same day, he just sit on the couch without offering any comfort or support ... to his wife, who just had to make the decision to end her father's life.

And some here think the reason for her unaffectionate behavior is that she's cheating? And that she should be threatened financially to put out? And that she's "broken?"
Ugh.
Broken is a guy who chooses to stay home instead of being at his wife's side in a time of need.

I suppose it is possible she's cheating. More likely, she's come to find it impossible to have affectionate feelings for a man who couldn't be bothered to be with her at probably the most difficult moment of her life, and then couldn't bother to comfort her afterward. Maybe she's at her sister's all the time because that's where she gets to comfort and support her husband is unwilling to provide.

As for the proceeds from the house sale, why should your grown children get any money from that? It wasn't their grandfather who died. 

Sorry if this seems harsh, but it seems to me the OP really screwed the pooch here. You made your bed. Sleep in it or end the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abandonedcompletely (Dec 21, 2011)

FrankKissel said:


> *OK, so the OP's wife is about to pull the plug on her father and he has a means of getting there to be at her side, which was of utmost importance to her. Instead, OP decides to stay home because going is too much of an inconvenience. And then, when she gets home that same day, he just sit on the couch without offering any comfort or support ... to his wife, who just had to make the decision to end her father's life.
> 
> And some here think the reason for her unaffectionate behavior is that she's cheating? And that she should be threatened financially to put out? And that she's "broken?"
> Ugh.*
> ...


Very well said! I have to say, many here are quick to say someone is cheating if they're not affectionate to their spouse, even if evidence is pointing to another valid reason, such as ignoring a spouse's emotional needs.

My husband is the same as the OP, and I have no affectionate feelings towards my husband. I've discussed it with him many times, but it doesn't matter to him.

The point is, I'm not having an EA nor a PA. It's hard to feel affectionate towards someone who seems to not care one bit about you or what you are going through. If only one spouse is trying to meet the emotional needs of the other and it's not reciprocated, it can only stay like that for so long before the marriage breaks.

Not all who are emotionally disconnected from their spouse are having an affair.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

abandonedcompletely said:


> Very well said! I have to say, many here are quick to say someone is cheating if they're not affectionate to their spouse, even if evidence is pointing to another valid reason, such as ignoring a spouse's emotional needs.
> 
> My husband is the same as the OP, and I have no affectionate feelings towards my husband. I've discussed it with him many times, but it doesn't matter to him.
> 
> ...


What's your point? In your situation (and OPs wife's) you will have an EA or PA or the relationship will end. Maybe she's not cheating YET, but she's in the position to. Either way he should be on guard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abandonedcompletely (Dec 21, 2011)

COguy said:


> What's your point? In your situation (and OPs wife's) you will have an EA or PA or the relationship will end. Maybe she's not cheating YET, but she's in the position to. Either way he should be on guard.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


First off, you do not know me, nor my situation. 

Secondly, if the relationship is broken due to the spouse's (husband in this case) lack of compassion, and/or putting themselves first, even when their spouse (wife) desperately needs them, I think the offending spouse is the one who should seriously be looking at their actions and what it has caused.

If they care so little, then yeah, the offended spouse will leave.

There is only so much one can do, and if the other one is not willing, or is self centered, there's not a whole lot that can be done


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## abandonedcompletely (Dec 21, 2011)

COguy said:


> What's your point? In your situation (and OPs wife's) you will have an EA or PA or the relationship will end. Maybe she's not cheating YET, but she's in the position to. Either way he should be on guard.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My point is, is that not all, who are emotionally disconnected are having affairs. And if you talk to your spouse about it and they don't take it seriously, for whatever reason, the marriage will fail.

It's not always about affairs.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

COguy said:


> What's your point? In your situation (and OPs wife's) you will have an EA or PA or the relationship will end. Maybe she's not cheating YET, but she's in the position to. Either way he should be on guard.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh, I see. He wasn't vigilant about being a good husband, especially when she needed him most, but now he should be when she's not giving him the affection he expects? Oh, and while he's at it, he should threaten her too? 

Why does OP get a complete pass for his actions, but then his wife is "broken" and a soon-to-be cheater because she's not putting out anymore? Sheesh, you're all making this guy out to be a victim. The only thing he's a victim of is his own poor behavior.

The fact is, this relationship may already be well beyond repair. But if there's any hope, OP needs to do a lot of work to fix the damage he's caused, and that won't happen via threats and "vigilance."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

boilermaker52 said:


> Hi. And thank you all. You however, hit the nail on the head. I HAVE gotten that talk. Although she never uses the internet (I've checked) she does indeed protect her cell phone like it's a child. I've snuck it out of her purse once or twice (yeah, I know. No one needs to say it) and I've found nothing on it either incoming or outgoing. Same on our land line. Her trips to her sisters have been absolutely verified by me many times.
> It's very hard. I told her yesterday that if she wants to live like brother and sister, that's what she'll get. I even suggested that I change my bedroom with a single bed instead of the double. She took great interest in that but all negative - as if it was a threat to her welfare. I told her that I'd do my own shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. because that's what "roomies" do. She didn't like that idea either. Truly, I don't know what else to do. Yes, she looks just like there's someone else but she simply doesn't have the time - between the kids and me and her job and her sister, I can't imagine when she'd be able to do something like that. I've kept track and never found anything to indicate this is going on - even though I would have sworn it was.
> I've read everyone's input and I love it all. You people, in your caring way, have given me some hope and forthright information. I can't tell you how much that means to me. I don't feel at all alone now. Thank You all So Much. And I look forward to hearing from more people as time goes on.
> Wish me luck. I'm turning into a roomie. The only problem is, I might like it and want to start entertaining the idea of a new influence in my life in the form of a female. At this point, any interaction with a nice girl would probably sweep me off my feet. Even a guy my age has that ability.
> ...


Then if you continue to live in a loveless, sexless marriage, then do the honorable thing and kick her to the curb. Do not lower yourself into having an affair. Divorce this woman who has only become a roommate. She's just staying with you because she's a self entitled princess and you're just the provider to her. Kick her to the cub.


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## abandonedcompletely (Dec 21, 2011)

FrankKissel said:


> Oh, I see. He wasn't vigilant about being a good husband, especially when she needed him most, but now he should be when she's not giving him the affection he expects? Oh, and while he's at it, he should threaten her too?
> 
> Why does OP get a complete pass for his actions, but then his wife is "broken" and a soon-to-be cheater because she's not putting out anymore? Sheesh, you're all making this guy out to be a victim. The only thing he's a victim of is his own poor behavior.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Yeah, she moved into the other bedroom a *YEAR BEFORE *and whenever he tried to talk to her she *PUSHES HIM AWAY*. He was in so much pain he couldn't get out of the chair to help himself, and the one time he didnt go, the father died. Can't communicate with this woman. 

He doesn't need to take this *emotional abuse*. He needs to kick her to the curb and let some other guy be the provider while she kicks back at home.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Then if you continue to live in a loveless, sexless marriage, then do the honorable thing and kick her to the curb. Do not lower yourself into having an affair. Divorce this woman who has only become a roommate. She's just staying with you because she's a self entitled princess and you're just the provider to her. Kick her to the cub.


Love it. Wife who isn't affectionate toward admitted lousy husband is an entitled princess who deserves to be kicked to the curb.
Maybe you're right. Hope she gets her 50 percent on the way out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

FrankKissel said:


> Love it. Wife who isn't affectionate toward admitted lousy husband is an entitled princess who deserves to be kicked to the curb.
> Maybe you're right. Hope she gets her 50 percent on the way out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Love it. So he's an admitted(?) lousy husband because he couldn't make it to the hospital that one time because he was in excruciating pain. Yeah, right. Doesn't matter that she won't communicate and moved into the other bedroom a year ago. So who is the lousy spouse? And that's all she should get. Let some other man support this cold, emotionless SAHM.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

abandonedcompletely said:


> Very well said! I have to say, many here are quick to say someone is cheating if they're not affectionate to their spouse, even if evidence is pointing to another valid reason, such as ignoring a spouse's emotional needs.
> 
> My husband is the same as the OP, and I have no affectionate feelings towards my husband. I've discussed it with him many times, but it doesn't matter to him.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Your wife has gone though a lot. 

Most of us who have lost a parent or a close family member/friend know that in the days afterwards that a lot of long forgotten memories can come flooding back. She may be dealing wit a lot right now where her father is concerned. It is also normal to want to be around other family members (her sister) after losing a parent. 

As for as her inheritance that is legally hers to do with as she pleases. As long as she doesn't co-mingle it with martial assets (i.e. put in a joint checking account) it is her separate money. She may be thinking that since it came from her parents that it should go to her parent's grandchildren - which are her kids.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

SadieBrown said:


> As for as her inheritance that is legally hers to do with as she pleases. As long as she doesn't co-mingle it with martial assets (i.e. put in a joint checking account) it is her separate money. She may be thinking that since it came from her parents that it should go to her parent's grandchildren - which are her kids.


Thats the most common arrangement. His money is hers and her money is hers.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

boilermaker52 said:


> Hello.
> I'm having quite a time with my wife lately. We're married going on 25 years and she looks as good today as she did when I met here 26 years ago. However, she's no longer interested in intimacy, affection, doing anything with me, or hardly even getting along anymore. *All she ever wants to do is go to her sisters all the time*.
> For some background, back in April my mother died. She was the only real mother my wife had. Then 5 weeks later the wife's dad died. He had been suffering with COPD for 10 years and the time finally came. She had promised him that she'd pull the plug if necessary and the doctors all agreed that it was time. There was no more life to be lead. The trouble was that I could not be there even though she called me just prior to here doing the deed and telling me I had to be there. *I had no idea this was going to happen as he had been in this condition before*. One more bit of history. He *had abused her when she was young* and I had little to do with him because of this.
> 
> ...


I highlighted the relevant parts. She refuses to communicate or go to marriage counseling. All your attempts to work on the marriage have been rebuffed. What you earn is hers. From what you describe you've been supporting her the whole marriage and she moved into the other bedroom a year before her father died. Her father has had a long lingering illness and the one time you weren't able to go, she pulls the plug on him. Oh yes, and this is the man who abused her, I'm sure he and her were very close.  

She's only there because she can't afford to move out on her own. Of course she doesn't want to help you with the debt. All that money is hers. You already knew what she was about. All take, take, take. It's been a one way marriage.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Love it. So he's an admitted(?) lousy husband because he couldn't make it to the hospital that one time because he was in excruciating pain. Yeah, right. Doesn't matter that she won't communicate and moved into the other bedroom a year ago. So who is the lousy spouse? And that's all she should get. Let some other man support this cold, emotionless SAHM.


Apparently you're skilled at bolding some parts of his post while completely ignoring others. Like the part where he described himself as selfish. Like where the best he could say for himself is that he doesn't drink or run around. Like the part where he thinks his kids, from a separate relationship, deserve a cut of someone else's grandfather's estate.

Couldn't make it? Please. He chose not to make it because he didn't want to drive that far. They make pills for pain, you know. I'd walk barefoot over a roomful of glass to be at my wife's side at a time like that. You're telling me he couldn't down a couple vicodin and handle a car ride? Bull.
And what about the part when he offered her no support when she came home? Ignored that part too, I guess. 

Poor guy offers her nothing in her time of need - except for resentment that his grown kids didn't get some cash out of it - and then wonders why she's not affectionate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Trenton,

Why do you think it is she refuses to go to marriage counseling?

Do you support her in that stance?





Trenton said:


> Crazy how that works around here isn't it? Every. Single. Time.
> 
> Not long before the Man Up links are posted.
> 
> ...


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

FrankKissel said:


> Oh, I see. He wasn't vigilant about being a good husband, especially when she needed him most, but now he should be when she's not giving him the affection he expects? Oh, and while he's at it, he should threaten her too?
> 
> Why does OP get a complete pass for his actions, but then his wife is "broken" and a soon-to-be cheater because she's not putting out anymore? Sheesh, you're all making this guy out to be a victim. The only thing he's a victim of is his own poor behavior.
> 
> ...


According to the OP he did not know she was going to pull the plug when she did. He was at home recovering from an eye operation. The hospital was 110 mile round trip. What did I miss?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

People do things because they want to.

They don't do things because they don't want to.

She doesn't want to work on the relationship with him.

I know how he feels. I don't think it's the right move for her.

I find it somewhat humorous that you won't pass any judgement on her lack of commitment, but see clearly that "he's a douche".

Thanks for the laugh.




Trenton said:


> I have no idea why she refuses marriage counseling. Any guess would be literally a guess. I think she may need grief or IC counseling at this point rather than marriage counseling.
> 
> You can't make someone do something. You know that. He can work on himself and take responsibility to change his part in the relationship or he can feel justified and blameless and cut his losses. He does the later and he's a douche in my opinion.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

He's so selfish he turns over his entire paycheck to her. Hey boilermaker, you better open a new bank acct. for yourself. She might just be using her money to leave you.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

Trenton said:


> Somehow I am guessing that this is an exaggeration. Unless of course he's living on the streets, eating scraps out of other people's garbage cans and walking or running everywhere...


And doing all of the above naked, unless she is so kind as to buy him clothes. Doubtful, though, given her coldhearted nature.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

boilermaker52 said:


> Hello.
> I'm having quite a time with my wife lately. We're married going on 25 years and she looks as good today as she did when I met here 26 years ago. However, she's no longer interested in intimacy, affection, doing anything with me, or hardly even getting along anymore. All she ever wants to do is go to her sisters all the time.
> For some background, back in April my mother died. She was the only real mother my wife had. Then 5 weeks later the wife's dad died. He had been suffering with COPD for 10 years and the time finally came. She had promised him that she'd pull the plug if necessary and the doctors all agreed that it was time. There was no more life to be lead. The trouble was that I could not be there even though she called me just prior to here doing the deed and telling me I had to be there. I had no idea this was going to happen as he had been in this condition before. One more bit of history. He had abused her when she was young and I had little to do with him because of this.
> Anyway, I had just had my eyes operated on 2 days before this event took place and I was sitting at home in excrutiating pain that nothing would help. I couldn't get off a chair to help myself. It was elective surgery (PRK vision correction) but I had put it off so long that she told me to go ahead with it even though her dad was in the hospital. Her kids would have picked me up and taken me (the hospital was 55 miles away in the city). I chose to stay at home. She called me later and told me what she did. I was surprised. She came home that night and sat on the couch and I didn't move. As is the nature of this woman, I had no idea how to approach her as so many times in the past she simply pushed me away when I tried to comfort her for something. I just listened and waited. Maybe I should have done something but I truly didn't know what to do.
> ...


I reckon she’s seriously playing you. You’re holding up your end of the bargain as the breadwinner but she sure as heck isn’t holding up hers. She wants out but hasn’t the balls to do so, so she plays you. That money she came into is family money, it’s quite despicable that she’s kept it to herself. But that’s more than likely part of her plan to leave you.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Trenton said:


> ^Tweedle Dee & Tweedle Dum^


:sleeping:


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

AFEH said:


> I reckon she’s seriously playing you. You’re holding up your end of the bargain as the breadwinner but she sure as heck isn’t holding up hers. She wants out but hasn’t the balls to do so, so she plays you. That money she came into is family money, it’s quite despicable that she’s kept it to herself. But that’s more than likely part of her plan to leave you.


Are you suggesting she owes him sex and affection because he is "the breadwinner" irregardless of his behavior? Hmmmm ... interesting. Sounds more like a ho-john relationship than a marriage.
So then, should a woman married to an unemployed guy - or one who earns the same or less - never put out, you'd be OK with that? 

p.s. Under the law, inheritances are not "family" money. And she didn't keep it to herself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Trenton,

I don't overthink it.

When you tell your spouse things that are important to you and they ignore them/don't do them, one thing is clear.

They didn't want to.

Life really is that simple.

You can wonder and speculate and think... gee, things would really be different if my feelings mattered....

But, when people don't want to do things, they don't.

Am I able to understand why counseling is the first recourse when someone else wants something and is off-limits when it may be them that's called to compromise?

I can speculate all I want. But, the bottom-line is that people do the things they want to do. If they want to make relationships work and provide stable homes for their children, then they'll compromise.

If they're more interested in some esoteric concept of "winning" and "losing", they won't.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Trenton said:


> Sorry to disturb your regularly only semi-conscious state there Bob.


For goodness sake grow up and keep your spats out of the OPs exceedingly serious post. Show respect for a man who's posted asking for help.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

FrankKissel said:


> Are you suggesting she owes him sex and affection because he is "the breadwinner" irregardless of his behavior? Hmmmm ... interesting. Sounds more like a ho-john relationship than a marriage.
> So then, should a woman married to an unemployed guy - or one who earns the same or less - never put out, you'd be OK with that?
> 
> p.s. Under the law, inheritances are not "family" money. And she didn't keep it to herself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm certain you'll go right ahead and know what I'm suggesting without any input from me.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

OP I think you are both equally at fault for the condition of your marriage. You admit your faults somewhat but I think you find it difficult to accept that your handling of the recent events may have been faulty. If the marriage was a good one, you would have been able to communicate with your wife after you realized your error. 

Your description of the disconnect after your FIL death, seems to capture all of the dysfunction in your marriage. She needed your comfort but, given the reception that you received in the past, you did not have the wherewithall to take a chance. 

Although it is easy to throw all sympathy to your wife from this single event, I am not sure that you have not been in a position where you have needed the same sympathy but did not get it. It is difficult to give and give when you are getting so little in return. Your wife may need your support now but I wonder if it is fair for her to expect it given your troubled history. 

You have to decide what you want to do, how you want to live. Accept fully your role in the state of your marriage in your own heart. Also accept that your wife played an equal role but that it does not give your an excuse to behave badly. If you can fix yourself, keep your dignity and self respect , you will come out of the other side of this a better man. 

Please don't decend into self-righteous deception and anger. You know that your wife is just as hurt as you and the way you treat her is the way you treat yourself. Sometimes it is better to end things and take the lessons and move on. But do it in an orderly fashion so that you emerge feeling whole and not ashamed and guilty which seems to be where you are now. 

BTW - the comment about nice girls is disturbing. Unrealistic expectation of readily available human f**k toys may get you out of your marriage but the post divorce period will be disappointing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## boilermaker52 (Nov 28, 2011)

FrankKissel said:


> OK, so the OP's wife is about to pull the plug on her father and he has a means of getting there to be at her side, which was of utmost importance to her. Instead, OP decides to stay home because going is too much of an inconvenience. And then, when she gets home that same day, he just sit on the couch without offering any comfort or support ... to his wife, who just had to make the decision to end her father's life.
> 
> And some here think the reason for her unaffectionate behavior is that she's cheating? And that she should be threatened financially to put out? And that she's "broken?"
> Ugh.
> ...


First: I was unable to go to the hospital since it is one and a half hours away. I just had surgery 2 days before and could barely move.
Second: There was NEVER any mention of her "pulling the plug" at ALL. Not ONCE.
Third: This was probably the umpteenth time this had happened with her father.
Forth: EVERY cent I've ever made has been shared with ALL of our kids - without regard to whomever children they were. And I would do it again if I came into money some how. WHICH, I might add, I did just 5 weeks before when MY mother died and left an estate. I made sure all 4 kids were treated equally in the settlement because that's the RIGHT thing to do in a blended family.

Next time read the entire post my friend. And before you cast any stones, be sure of your facts. It sounds like you have a little issue going on there too.


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## boilermaker52 (Nov 28, 2011)

Well, I've been beaten up pretty bad on here. Thanks for the help.
Let me explain something to you all.
1) I have ALWAYS supported my wife in ANY endeavors she chooses to make - no matter what. She's changed careers like 7 times in the last 5 years because she wanted to do this or that or whatever. I was there every step of the way. It was ME supporting the home because she never stayed anywhere long enough to get ahead to any degree. I LOVE supporting my wife. Not the money end of it, but the life part of it. The money is just plain there for US. I love to see her flourish when she does and she's able to do this because we can afford it.
2) SO MANY TIMES in the past when things have been very bleak, I've tried my best to comfort her, console her, be there for her, extend myself to her in any way possible. I've cried with her, worked with her to change things, carried the weight of her life for her. I've done it all and proud of it. To anyone who says I didn't tow the line when her dad died - doesn't know what I've done for my wife. Remember, she was the one that insisted I have the surgery after I had put if off for so long when my mom died 5 WEEKS BEFORE HER FATHER. So you see, I was also going through my OWN mourning. However, my mourning came to a screeching halt when her dad died. 1 month before my mom died, my best friend died at 58 of cancer. 1month before he died, my sister's mother-in-law died of cancer. IN February before all of this, my best friends dad died and while we were at the service, the dead father's brother died on his way to that service! Spring was a nightmare for me.
When her dad died, my mother's death was all but forgotten. I was not allowed time to deal with it and am still trying to get a handle on it. I dropped my emotions for my mom's death and was there for my wife. My wife also had told me that her dad being in the hospital at the time was "no big deal". "He's been in there so many times before". Those are her very words. And when she called me that fateful day, there was NOT ONE MENTION that she was going to pull his plug. NOT ONE! It blindsided me when she called me later to tell me. I can't tell you how badly I felt knowing I had missed this for my wife. I can't describe the guilt. But there was no way of knowing it was going to happen and in light of the condition I was in, there seemed to be no need to attend the hospital once again.
3) I am NOT the cad that a few of you think I am. I'm a good man who helped to raise her 2 kids and loved them as my own. I'm the only grandfather that the grandkids have on that side because the real grandfather can't be bothered. I do housework, laundry, shopping with her, attended school functions, etc. Don't stereotype me please. I've been a good husband but not a perfect one. Name one who has.
4) The fact that she moved out of the bedroom was based on her own decision due to sleeping problems. At first it was only once in awhile. But as time went on, she just kept sleeping in there. Once in a very great while she might sleep with me and we'd have some fun. But those times are gone. And before anyone says it, I am NOT a greedy lover. I always try to focus in on my partners needs too.
5) She has in the past been verbally abusive. Her temper can get the best of her. However, I usually just sit back and let things cool down. I've told her on many occasions that I wished she'd talk to me like she talks to her friends. It's way more cordial and considerate.
I've been totally straight and honest with you people. I don't need someone throwing stones. Those people obviously have some issues since they tend to be striking out at a perfect stranger in my opinion. If I had been an ass hole my whole marriage, I wouldn't be writing to this forum. I'd KNOW my problem. But this is NOT the situation at all. 
Not going to the hospital that day is still haunting me. But suffice it to say that she has also done a few things in 25 years that warrant deep sole searching on my part to get over. I don't hold it against her now. Things must move on. I love her just as much as ever despite marital setbacks. It happens. The trick is to try and heal and improve. This I've done. This time it's up to her. Am I sorry? Of course I am. I can't change it though. I was NOT uncaring. It was simply something that went the wrong way. I would have NEVER had the surgery had I known what truly was going on. She never told me until it was too late and I could do nothing about it. In fact, I would have never had the surgery had it not been for her insistance that I do it. End of story.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Take your life back,start here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

Also here: Married Man Sex Life


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## acameragirl (Jan 28, 2012)

I believe in doing everything to make your marriage work, unless you are in an abusive relationship. What you are able to weather will make you stronger. Obviously, your being at her side with her dad was crucially important to her. She will need time to grieve, be angry and hurt at you and lean on her sisters for support. Hang in there, go through the motions (as difficult as it may be) of being a supportive husband. If you haven't already, say to her exactly what you are thinking, but in a very concerned and loving manner. Admit your wrongdoing to her, we as women need to hear you admit you were wrong and apologize and ask for forgiveness. Just as you men need us to do the same. "I love you, I want our marriage to work, why did we marry in the first place? We were very much in love at one time and I'm not willing to just throw that away. It's not an option. Please tell me what's on your mind. I made a bad decision and I'm sorry. We married for better or worse and together we can get through the worse. I'm here for you no matter what." She will come around in time. Be strong.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I think she pulled the plug when she did on purpose. Read the manning up threads and if that doesn't help pull the plug on the marriage. JMO


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## boilermaker52 (Nov 28, 2011)

acameragirl said:


> I believe in doing everything to make your marriage work, unless you are in an abusive relationship. What you are able to weather will make you stronger. Obviously, your being at her side with her dad was crucially important to her. She will need time to grieve, be angry and hurt at you and lean on her sisters for support. Hang in there, go through the motions (as difficult as it may be) of being a supportive husband. If you haven't already, say to her exactly what you are thinking, but in a very concerned and loving manner. Admit your wrongdoing to her, we as women need to hear you admit you were wrong and apologize and ask for forgiveness. Just as you men need us to do the same. "I love you, I want our marriage to work, why did we marry in the first place? We were very much in love at one time and I'm not willing to just throw that away. It's not an option. Please tell me what's on your mind. I made a bad decision and I'm sorry. We married for better or worse and together we can get through the worse. I'm here for you no matter what." She will come around in time. Be strong.


Thank you for your input. I have done all of the above - several times. I've written letters, bought flowers, gone out to dinner, anything where we can sit quietly and talk about it. She realizes that she had indeed insisted that I have the surgery I had. She also realizes that she never told me what she was about to do until she called me and told me after the fact. I had NO way of knowing what was about to happen. I was forbidden by my surgeon from riding in a car for any length of distance due to my surgery. However, had I known, I surely would have been by her side and taken that chance. Suffice it to say that I've done all I can do. Despite what some writers of this forum think of me, I'm still a good husband to her and always have been. There was 2 things in our past that she was a party to that would have broken up most couples but I stuck to my guns and we overcame it. Why? Because I love her and I was willing to make a go of it no matter what. This is THE ONE AND ONLY TIME I could not be with her. Why did this have to happen like this? If I had only known, things would have been different.
Thank you for your input. I appreciate it.


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

Grieving or not, your wife is being unreasonable. I would not expect my husband to travel at all if he were in pain from eye surgery. I do think, though, that you should let the money issue go-- if for no other reason than that people are more important than money-- money can be replaced but people cannot. 

I think the only thing you can do in these situations, where your spouse is emotionally shutting you out, is to "180..." you have to shut down emotionally yourself just to survive, you have to take care of yourself just to preserve your sanity. Don't depend on her receptivity for your happiness. Find other things in your life that bring you satisfaction. Hopefully she will come around after she's had time to grieve.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

There was 2 things in our past that she was a party to that would have broken up most couples but I stuck to my guns and we overcame it.

Can you tell us about these incidents. Reading your posts makes me think that you are a codependent in an abusive relationship


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## DocHoliday (Jan 19, 2012)

This does not scream affair to me. She simply may be a LSD woman. (She has not sought out sex/intamacy for years.) There is a lot of info about that online. 

The reason she does not want to go to counceling, is that she simply DOES NOT SEE a reason to go. 
She sees NO BENEFIT of changing her current behavior.
That does not make her bad, antisocial, personality boarderline crap, spoiled, rotten or a cheater.
Labels will not help here - stay the hell away from them.

(That makes her a comfort seeking plain old- human being- one who has faults.)

She is comfortable in her living arrangement, and any counseling may "rock the boat" of her world.
Too bad. She is married, and has to make her choices (whatever they are WITH the spouse involved.)
BM problem is to how bring up these issues properly, without abuse, and see HOW his wife is going to CHOSE to deal with them.

If she CHOSES to stay the same way, BM can make his choices. If she really wants the marriage, she is going to have to make changes in herself, her thinking and her behavior. 
*Either way, BM is desiring a resolution. It is his right to.*
--right now, she does not have to, does not want to, so she is not going to voulenteer to.

Also in counseling...she may also be afraid of dealing with some back issues, but the most obvious answer is usually the right one.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

boilermaker52 said:


> First: I was unable to go to the hospital since it is one and a half hours away. I just had surgery 2 days before and could barely move.
> Second: There was NEVER any mention of her "pulling the plug" at ALL. Not ONCE.
> Third: This was probably the umpteenth time this had happened with her father.
> Forth: EVERY cent I've ever made has been shared with ALL of our kids - without regard to whomever children they were. And I would do it again if I came into money some how. WHICH, I might add, I did just 5 weeks before when MY mother died and left an estate. I made sure all 4 kids were treated equally in the settlement because that's the RIGHT thing to do in a blended family.
> ...


Pay no mind to those who would demonize you as an "admitted lousy husband", which you have done nothing of the sort. 

You took her kids in and gave her and them a good life, getting very little back in return. She needs to see the reality of what it means to lose you. If she can't see it, or won't see it, then its best to let her go. Marriage is a two way street and from what you describe, its been mostly a one way street, with you giving and giving. This is not that uncommon.


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## soulseeking (Jan 26, 2012)

I know this might sound a little silly, but since you've been married a long time, is it possible to reinvent your marriage from the early days? My husband and I have been married almost 16 years and listening to music that we heard through different phases in our marriage helps take us back to that time. Music could help loosen up those memories that made her fall in love with you so long ago. And if music isn't the answer, anything from those early days where everything was you and her against the world. Bring her back to that feeling. She'll remember all she is missing when the feelings are brought back to her. Hubby and I don't have to say a word sometimes. Just listening to music and a few candles going and we are 17 yrs old again. Only now, we have an 11pm wake up call coming from our toddler's bedroom. LOL Wake those feelings she's hiding deep down inside her. She is allowing herself to feel dead to you and most likely, it's a self defense mechanism. Take this challenge on knowing that the end will justify the means. Hope this helps and I'm praying for your marriage. Oh, and if you take a step in the MC direction, maybe it would feel more comfortable and acceptable to her if she sees you going with or without her. She'll secretly love you for taking the lead when she clearly feels too weak to see the point. I wish you all the best!!


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## boilermaker52 (Nov 28, 2011)

Thank You all - both bad and good. While I disagree with those of you who have deemed me nothing more than a disgrace, I must insist that this is not the case. I had asked repeatedly if she had wanted me to put off the surgery. She repeatedly told me no and that I had put it off enough and that her father being in the hospital "was no big deal". So - I had it done. He died 2 days later when she pulled the plug. Do I feel I was set up? Nope. Do I feel backed in to a corner. Yes. Am I hurt as well? Yes. I've told her that I have no intentions of paying for this mistake and misunderstanding the rest of my life. It was going to happen whether I was there or not. Many times as my own mother lie waiting to die, my wife was at her sisters and told me to call her if anything happened. We were literally on the brink all the time. Did I hold that against her? No.
I did what I could and still do although it's a waste of my time now as we're not much more than roomies now. There has been no affection or sex for over 2 years and naturally I miss that very much. She's still the sexy girl I married 25 years ago.
I've done all I can. I'm trying to practice patience on tolerance (of her attitudes sometimes) and staying away from her as much as possible as it seems to work better for her.
One very odd thing if I may relate it to you all:
One day I was thinking that as long as she now sleeps in the other room, I'd like to change out my bed to a twin size to allow for more room in my bedroom and then put in a small table and TV set so that we can each watch what we want. I would also move her dresser to her room as a convenience to her as well. I mentioned my intentions to her and she said nothing. A week or so later I mentioned that I was going to do it that night and she got all upset and told me she didn't care because she was going to move out. It blind-sided me. I asked her why and she said it was because she hated change and didn't want me to change my room around. It remains as it was before. Now tell me something; what in the hell was that all about? She hasn't slept with me in 2 years. I just wanted to make my room more comfortable for my sake. And then she threatens to move out?? Anyone care to comment?
Thanks to all of you - both pro and con.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

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## boilermaker52 (Nov 28, 2011)

Thank you. I'll do just that.
As much as we've talked,I have yet to figure out what's going on. She's been to the doctor and I've talked to him too. As we speak she's sitting in the living room in her pajamas and looking good. She's 49 and looks as good as she did when she was 24. This makes it hard for me (forgive the pun. Unintended). It's so frustrating. I tempted at this point to find a FWB just to take some of the tension of me but this is not something I would normally do. I'm not that type of husband. Has anyone else ever done such a thing and still loves his wife? If so, was there a friendship involved first that eventually moved on to something sexual?
Please don't judge me. I prefer my own wife over any other woman I've seen or know. But I'm too young to retire from the sexual end of it.
She's even admitted to me that her father dying has nothing to do with it since she now realizes that she never once told me she was going to pull the plug. Her daughter backed me up on it too so now she's backed off on that issue. But the lack of affection still remains.
I appreciate any advice anyone can give me - male or female.
Thank You all.


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## smith9800 (Mar 7, 2012)

Its becoming very serious situation for your relationship. First of all, you must ask yourself that you really love her. Everything you did in the past was right? Was it not your duty to support her when she needed you? Are you not the reason for these conditions? At the end i will just tell you that divorce is not a solution every time for a relationship.....


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Don't know it this will help but take a look at this site. Please let us know if it helps or not.

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## boilermaker52 (Nov 28, 2011)

smith9800 said:


> Its becoming very serious situation for your relationship. First of all, you must ask yourself that you really love her. Everything you did in the past was right? Was it not your duty to support her when she needed you? Are you not the reason for these conditions? At the end i will just tell you that divorce is not a solution every time for a relationship.....


Thanks for you input.
Yes. I love her without a doubt.
And no, I'm not perfect so naturally I've screwed up but generally I think I've been a good husband. I don't drink, I don't run around, I'm home most of the time, I'm up for pretty much anything she feels like doing, I'm considerate in the bedroom, I provided for her kids when he ex would not, and I'm a good provider overall for her. She wants for very little. But am I perfect. No. None of us are.
Yes, it was my duty to support her in her time of need. Could I? No, I could not - not at that time. If you read back in my posts I had gone through eye surgery that left me totally disabled for several days. I had asked her MANY times if she wanted me to put the surgery off. She told me NO since I had already done that about 4 times due to my own mother's health and subsequent death 5 weeks prior to my wife's father's death. She assured me that this was a normal thing with her father and to go ahead and have the work done on my eyes. The night she called me from the hospital to see if I could get there she never once mentioned that he had turned bad and that she had decided to "pull the plug". It wasn't until she called some time later and told me it was "over" that I learned of this. had I known, I would have WALKED the 60 miles to the hospital to get to her in the dark. I actually feel somewhat like I was set up but I know she didn't do that. She truly led me to believe that this was the norm for her dad and that he was going to be fine. That's the last thing I knew. I was utterly dumbfounded when she called me to tell me. You have NO idea how I felt at the very moment.
She's still just apathetic about us. She says she's not interested in anything affection wise or sex wise and this was prior to her dad's demise too. So I doubt this is entirely the problem. I just have no idea who this woman is anymore. I want my wife back. Nothing thus far as worked. It's not that I've changed physically. I haven't. I still weigh the same, still pretty much look the same other than older with greyer hair and I still take very good care of myself overall. I'm not one of those guys who wonder why their wives don't want them after they've gained 50 or 60 pounds or more. I've tried to stay attractive to her.
Right now we "get along" but that's about it. THere's no real love going on. I've asked her if she still loves me and she replies to the affirmative but there's no show of it anywhere. I'm perplexed and frustrated. It's getting to the point that I'm ready to let go and find someone new to share my life with. But this is not yet an option for me. It would be a very hard choice for me to make.
Still working at it. Still hoping lightning strikes to shake things up.
Thank you all.


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## Journeygirl (Mar 14, 2012)

These are just my opinions...

1. I think there is more to the sleeping situation. I don't think she is being completely honest about it.

2. None of us are perfect. We do what we can at the time, with the knowledge we have. Hindsight is always 20/20. If you had known her father was going to die you would have postponed the surgery. Stop blaming yourself for something that is out of your control.

3. Things don't change, unless things change. If your situation continues the way it is, you are going to be unhappy for the rest of your life. 

I guess I see it this way, what's going on right now is not working. Whether it be buying a twin bed, or whatever you need to start taking steps to make yourself happy. Now before I get jumped, I'm not suggesting an affair. But start taking small steps. She'll either realize she loves you and doesn't want to lose you or you'll realize it's time to move on.

Good luck to you.


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## boilermaker52 (Nov 28, 2011)

Journeygirl said:


> These are just my opinions...
> 
> 1. I think there is more to the sleeping situation. I don't think she is being completely honest about it.
> 
> ...


Thank You. I've actually tried several things. I've had flowers sent for no reason, stopped in at her work to say hi or bring her lunch, taken out to eat at a place she enjoys. I've done a lot. I've always pitched in with the house work but I'm trying to be a little more considerate.
We had a talk the other day and I finally told her how I felt about her laying the guilt trip on me about my eye surgery. I reminded her that I had several times told her I'd put it off until better conditions prevailed but she practically forced me into going because I had put it off so many time already. Her dad being in the hospital locally at the time was nothing. They sent him to a bigger hospital that had better care for his condition and this wasn't even that bad. The night before my surgery I asked her if I should cancel and was ready to call them to do so. She said not to. Anyway, I reminded her of all this and told her firmly that I was NOT going to be made guilty anymore when conditions that lead up to his death were totally unforseen. I told her I regretted not being there but I reminded her of my physical condition when she called for me. I also told her she never said one word about pulling the plug. My step daughter confirmed this for me. This is now old news - Thank GOD! and I can move on to deal with other issues.
One of the other issues is my former problem with ED due to blood pressure meds. They messed around with them for years until recently when they got me on one that seems to have less of an impact on me. This, along with daily cialis has given me a new life. But now when I mention it to her all I get was that "I went through it when you weren't interested...". But I reminded her that although I was unable, I NEVER stopped extending any and all affections toward her including a chance kiss on the cheek while she was cooking or come up behind her for a hug or tell her how sexy she looked in her pants, or an arm around her or holding her hand during a walk. I did all this and still would if she let me. But she throws back into my face that she had to tolerate it before. I'm getting literally NOTHING in terms of affection. I never did that to her. I can't seem to get that through her head - that MY affection NEVER stopped even though I had an ED problem.
I'm getting tired of hearing how "back then I had to.....", or "you did that to me too.....", or "how does it feel....". She accused me of putting ads on craigs list when what actually had happened was my email and facebook accounts had been hacked. I tried to show her this but she's not very computer literate and doesn't understand how it can happen. It's happened to me and several of my friends. I've had to shut down several emails because of this. I even had my HOTMAIL account broken in to. I couldn't believe this! My emails aren't private and she can look at them anytime she wants. I have nothing to hide and never did.
I'm ready to give it all up but I'd hate to start over at 59. I don't look over 50 and I've been hit on by younger women right in front of her but I never pay attention to that stuff. I want only my wife of 25 years. But I'm beginning to wonder if she wants me.
For the record, I am being 100% straight on this forum. I'm not pulling any punches to get people on "my side" or anything like that. I'm sincere. I know I"ve messed up in the past but we both have and have gotten through it. But for some reason, this is beginning to take its toll on me. I'm ready to bolt if something doesn't change soon. I don't want to, but I want to be happy too. And I want her to be happy - even if it means doing so without me.
Thanks All.


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## Journeygirl (Mar 14, 2012)

boilermaker52 said:


> Thank You. I've actually tried several things. I've had flowers sent for no reason, stopped in at her work to say hi or bring her lunch, taken out to eat at a place she enjoys. I've done a lot. I've always pitched in with the house work but I'm trying to be a little more considerate.
> We had a talk the other day and I finally told her how I felt about her laying the guilt trip on me about my eye surgery. I reminded her that I had several times told her I'd put it off until better conditions prevailed but she practically forced me into going because I had put it off so many time already. Her dad being in the hospital locally at the time was nothing. They sent him to a bigger hospital that had better care for his condition and this wasn't even that bad. The night before my surgery I asked her if I should cancel and was ready to call them to do so. She said not to. Anyway, I reminded her of all this and told her firmly that I was NOT going to be made guilty anymore when conditions that lead up to his death were totally unforseen. I told her I regretted not being there but I reminded her of my physical condition when she called for me. I also told her she never said one word about pulling the plug. My step daughter confirmed this for me. This is now old news - Thank GOD! and I can move on to deal with other issues.
> One of the other issues is my former problem with ED due to blood pressure meds. They messed around with them for years until recently when they got me on one that seems to have less of an impact on me. This, along with daily cialis has given me a new life. But now when I mention it to her all I get was that "I went through it when you weren't interested...". But I reminded her that although I was unable, I NEVER stopped extending any and all affections toward her including a chance kiss on the cheek while she was cooking or come up behind her for a hug or tell her how sexy she looked in her pants, or an arm around her or holding her hand during a walk. I did all this and still would if she let me. But she throws back into my face that she had to tolerate it before. I'm getting literally NOTHING in terms of affection. I never did that to her. I can't seem to get that through her head - that MY affection NEVER stopped even though I had an ED problem.
> *I'm getting tired of hearing how "back then I had to.....", or "you did that to me too.....", or "how does it feel....". * She accused me of putting ads on craigs list when what actually had happened was my email and facebook accounts had been hacked. I tried to show her this but she's not very computer literate and doesn't understand how it can happen. It's happened to me and several of my friends. I've had to shut down several emails because of this. I even had my HOTMAIL account broken in to. I couldn't believe this! My emails aren't private and she can look at them anytime she wants. I have nothing to hide and never did.
> ...


This screams volumes to me. It sounds like she is being passive-aggressive punishing you for things that happened in the past. You have moved forward in your life, however it sounds like she is still stuck in the past. For her own mental health, she really needs to deal with whatever issues she has and move on. It sounds like you are more than willing to help her. Unfortunately we can't make someone do what is best for them.


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## DocHoliday (Jan 19, 2012)

why would someone hack your email to put an add on craigslist? What was the add for?


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## boilermaker52 (Nov 28, 2011)

DocHoliday said:


> why would someone hack your email to put an add on craigslist? What was the add for?


You misunderstand. Someone hacked my email and facebook accounts (both use the same email address) and used it to post soliciting ads. They messed with my facebook account as well. I had to delete everything to clear it up. The same thing has happened to about 6 people I know. Same exact thing.
I don't hide my emails and the wife can check them anytime she wants to. And she did. Imagine my surprise when she showed me the prints outs she made. When I looked at the email I instantly knew that she had veiwed the old email that I deleted. The dates showed me that. She's not the least bit computer savvy when it comes to this stuff so naturally she thought the worst. 
Today she came into the room where I was and explained that she doesn't hold me in line as the second most important thing in her world. No. She told me I'm even with her sister and her kids and her jobs and that it's all the same to her. I told her that I thought that since I was her husband and provider and her mate and (supposedly) best friend, that I should be above that in some way. I felt highly insulted that I'm no better than her job or her lazy sister who does nothing all day but sit around and collect disability for no reason. But equal in importance to her job? Who wouldn't be insulted. I thought after 25 years that I earned much more than that. I guess not. I feel doomed.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Have you been brutally honest with her? Tell her exactly what you said here with respect to seeking a FWB and why. What do you have to lose? 

I don't think that it is coercion it an honest communication about where you are. 

Let her know that you felt compelled to let her know so that she can decide what she wants. Pet her know the level of frustration has reached a point that you can only think of those two option so that she has the freedom to refrain from sex. Tell you now understand that she does not have to do anything she does not want. However it occurs to you that she will be able to understand that you also have a right not to have to do anything you don't want. 

You don't want to be sexless. She has the choice of an open relationship or divorce given that you both have the same rights. 

Would you feel comfortable with this bit of brinkmanship? Don't do it if you are not willing to act. You will appear weak.


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## boilermaker52 (Nov 28, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Have you been brutally honest with her? Tell her exactly what you said here with respect to seeking a FWB and why. What do you have to lose?
> 
> I don't think that it is coercion it an honest communication about where you are.
> 
> ...


Hi. And yes I've been totally honest at all times. I don't know about the friends with benefits though. I tried that once and she said she do the same thing, which didn't make sense since she has told me she's just not interested anymore in any intimacy with anyone. I think guilt would prevent me from doing something like that. But I so miss the closeness and softness. It's very frustrating for me.
She left and is living with her sister - the one that she went to visit for hours EVERY SINGLE NIGHT for the last 2 years. I might as well try to find someone else who can fill the need. But I haven't done that in over 25 years or more. I don't know what to do. I'm ready to give up and walk away for good.
Thanks for your input. It all helps.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

She moved out? File.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Many people get divorced after 20 years of marriage. They manage to figure things out and find love. Why do you think you will be singled out for depravation?? 

If fear is the only thing holding you back, you may benefit from therapy just to get you through this. 

She moved out so that means that the relationship is over, is that right? . It is difficult I am sure to start anew. There are posters who have successfully negotiated this transition. Look in the post divorce section for inspiration.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm familiar with a similar situation. When my friends last step daughter, that he raised, went off to college his wife dumped him for one of his friends. 

Are you sure she always goes to her sisters? My friends wife was supposed to be going to the gym. He figured out what was going on by going to the gym one night, which he never did before. She wasn't there.


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## boilermaker52 (Nov 28, 2011)

chapparal said:


> I'm familiar with a similar situation. When my friends last step daughter, that he raised, went off to college his wife dumped him for one of his friends.
> 
> Are you sure she always goes to her sisters? My friends wife was supposed to be going to the gym. He figured out what was going on by going to the gym one night, which he never did before. She wasn't there.


I'm sure. I've had to call her out there and she's always there. At times I've driven by and she's always there. In fact, I've never NOT seen her there when she's suppose to be. Sad I had the same idea and had to check it out. But thanks.


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## boilermaker52 (Nov 28, 2011)

A new development this weekend. She got her own place. I just can't figure it out. She insists that she doesn't want a permanent breakup like divorce, and that she hopes we can work things out and get back together. But everything she does points in the opposite direction. She told me to line up a counselor too. It seems I'm doing all the work in this.
First she moved out of the bedroom.
Next there was no longer any affection, much less sex.
Then she started going to her sister's all the time and by that I mean ALL THE TIME. Every night.
When I objected to it and demanded that she stay home once in awhile so we could at least attempt to find some common interests, she left in a huff and said she was staying out there.
The next day she came home and announced that she was going to get her own place.
Now, this weekend, she has done that.
Am I missing something here? She STILL insists she doesn't want it to end. She still insists she wants to work things out. But frankly, I don't know how since she keeps getting further and further away from it all. I've done all the leg work in trying things, suggesting things, going forward with rectifying situations between us, but she has done nothing proactive here at all. What can I do? Am I blind or something? I even asked her if she was simply trying to let me down easy by going this route and asked if she really was planning to working things out at some point said she absolutely was intent on it. I am so confused I don't know what to do.
Please, Someone, can you put this all in place for me? Is there something I"m not seeing?
I'm so lonely right now.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Get an MC as soon as possible. Sounds like she is holding back and doesn't want to discuss it with just you. 

Talk to a lawyer

Just because her car is at her sisters doesn't mean she is there.

Are you calling her at her sister's on a land line?

Can you talk to your sister face to face and ask her what is going on?


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## boilermaker52 (Nov 28, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Get an MC as soon as possible. Sounds like she is holding back and doesn't want to discuss it with just you.
> 
> Talk to a lawyer
> 
> ...


Yes. I've called her on her sister's land line and she's called me from it too. The numbers are right.
I agree. I think she's holding something back but won't come forth with anything. An MC would surely get it out somehow and that's what I'm afraid of. I don't know how I'd react. I'm almost afraid to try it for fear of finding something out that I don't want to hear. I've asked her sister and she's no help at all. She wouldn't tell me anyway I'm sure. You know how sometimes these things can uncover skeletons all too often and end up ruining any chance of saving the marriage. I've always been straight with her and assumed she has with me but her behavior suggests that she actually hasn't.
I just wish for once she'd make a positive move instead of me doing it all the time.
Thanks so much. You input helps. All input helps at this point.


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## boilermaker52 (Nov 28, 2011)

So this is an update. In April she moved into her own place after living at her sister's for 2 weeks. I'm a bit confused. She stops a lot, does her laundry here, picks up groceries for me, has cleaned the house a couple of times, and stops in every morning during the week for coffee. Our problems will come up but it seems all she does is sidestep them. Primarily it's the same things that started all this. She complained that I didn't go see her father when he was in the local hospital. Well, I'd seen enough of hospitals 5 weeks earlier when my mom died. This and the fact that he and I weren't close. This was because my wife admitted to me that she had been sexually abused by him. Needless to say I wasn't inclined to be close to him. As far as my eye surgery 2 days before he died, she told me to go ahead and have it. I told her I'd change the dates (again) but she insisted that I go through with it right then. SO when his time came I could not be there. I wasn't permitted to ride in a car except to a doctor, and I was in such pain I couldn't leave the house. That's the day she pulled the plug. I was utterly taken aback by what she did and I had no idea that was her intention.
Anyway, prior to that there were issues. No affection at all for about a year, no sex, moved out of the bedroom, wouldn't want to do anything with me - no matter how hard I tried to find things she's enjoy, I only got her after everyone else was done with her like her sister, or kids, or work. She'd never tell them no, no matter what they asked her. I'd get my wife when she was totally burned out. Nothing left for me. Let someone ask her to go somewhere or do something and she'd be the first in line. But if it was me asking, no way would she say yes. Never. And the fact that she'd go to her sister's literally every night didn't help and was actually what started this whole thing to boil up. 
Now she's moved out. But nothing is getting solved. At this point my 28 years at my job will be for nothing. If she and I divorce she'll get half of my retirements. I hate that. I worked the last 30 years to get where I am today and be able to provide a nice home for the family, including her two kids who I treated like my own, have nice vacations, owned a small camper that we used a lot during the summer, bought the kids things that were nice, and just generally bit the bullet at work with shifts, weekends, holidays, overtimes, terrible working conditions, etc., all so my family could have a nice life and I could have a nice retirement. Now, thanks to her actions it looks like I'll lose it all. I feel like dieing.
What's really weird is her actions sometimes. She'll come over and I'll mention that I want to move a bedroom around and she goes ape**** over it. I don't know why. SHe doesn't want things changed. I was going to rebuild the back steps on the house and make them wider and she told me I didn't need to. A friend who was there asked me later what difference it would have made to her since she doesn't live there anyway. She took a double bed when she moved out and I was going to go buy another one to replace it but she had a fit about that too. She said if she moved back in we'd have an extra bed to get rid of. I can't figure it out. I can't make a move around her without her having a fit about it. Why? SHe doesn't live here now. I hate to say it but it feels like she's trying to control me. Several times we talked about money and her lack of transparency with our accounts. I questioned her about some money that she took out but she hasn't told me why she did it.
Anyway, thanks for all the support. I appreciate it. ANy suggestions are always welcome.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

boilermaker52 said:


> I can't make a move around her without her having a fit about it. Why? SHe doesn't live here now. I hate to say it but it feels like she's trying to control me.


Ya think?



boilermaker52 said:


> Several times we talked about money and her lack of transparency with our accounts. I questioned her about some money that she took out but she hasn't told me why she did it.


She doesn't want you to know she spent it on one of her boyfriends.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She abandoned the marriage by moving out. 

The day she did that you should have considered getting your own bank account and moving 50% of your shared assets into it and redirecting your pay. 

Now tha she has been gone this long you should be doing it instead of just thinking about it. 

The money she took is either a retainer for a lawyer or a nice nest egg for her if you do wise up and cut her off. 

Do you have a key to her appartment ? Then why does she have free access to your home?

I recommend you see a good lawyer and begin protecting yourself here. She is very much controlling you and keeping you on a leash. You are afraid of her and of D so she can do anything she wants and you just let her do it. 

That's not a way to live.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Her actions reek terribly of an affair. And don't let her control your actions. If she throws a fit, let her and go about doing your own thing. You need to start the 180 hard and fast. Start preparing mentally for a divorce.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Dittoes on the financial advise. Take half and start putting your pay in your own accts. Get an attorney to require her to give you all the info on her financials.

You are letting her walk all over you. The more she does the more she looses respect for you.

Do you give her advise on how she arranges her apt.? How many times have you been there?

When you decide to do something at home its no longer any of her business. QUIT discussing it with her! JUST DO IT!!!!!!! 

You are pretty much doing everything wrong.

BTW she stops by every day to spy on you.

You know, we know, she knows, eeryone knows she is lying about why she has left you. Get a PI to figure it out, or you could go on like this forever.


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## boilermaker52 (Nov 28, 2011)

Update for anyone interested:
Well, she moved back in 3 weeks ago. Things were pretty rocky at first and then it started to go back to what it was before. She was abrasive and short tempered again.
This weekend she and I were home on Friday and she got all cleaned up and put some of her nicest clothes on and I asked her what was up. She said nothing. But this isn't her normally. That evening after supper she told me she was going to her sister's house to visit and then to another friends house to visit. This other friend is someone I've never heard about before and I told her that. She claimed she'd been to her house lots of times but didn't tell me. Anyway, she left.
By about 10:30 I began wondering what was going on. I left to go see if she was still at her friend's house. No one was home. I searched and tried to raise her on her cell phone (something she won't even sleep without) and no answer. After a bit is sleuthing I checked in a nearby low life bar and there she was. It was now 12:00. I walked in, very quietly walked up to her, didn't say a word, she turned around and I thought she'd swallowed her tongue when she saw me. Naturally, since she shouldn't drink due to a past serious problem with it, I wanted to check. When I leaned down next to her, this amazon of a woman grabbed me by the coat and almost knocked me to the floor. Another amazon behind me grabbed my shoulder and almost took it off. I tried to explain to these 2 drunk women that I was her husband and wanted her to come home and get to hell out of the joint. It was serial. I was escorted out by another large amazon.
She called me from her cell shortly thereafter and I told her it was over and to come get her stuff back out of the house. It was killing me to say it. She stayed at her sister's until morning and came by and it was awful. I just wanted her out. I told her I could no longer trust her with the dishonesty, deceit, lying, etc. and still try to make our marriage work. She went into this diatribe that she want to do this and that and everything else that she's never been able to do and that she felt if was OK to NOT tell me she was going to hang out at a bar for 4 hours, without me, and not tell me.
We are not this kind of people. Neither one of us drink because of problems with it. We don't do this kind of thing - much less in a place like this. I couldn't believe she did this to me after 25 years. I was totally heart broken.
She staying at her sister's again now just to let things cool off.
I'd like to ask you readers your opinion of this. Please don't be nasty or anything; just straight with me. I still love this woman, albeit for reason that I can't seem to identify at this point, but it's still there. She refuses to go to counseling so I'll go alone I guess. Maybe I'll find out something about myself.
BTW, I caught her in several lies pertaining to this event too. I'm so hurt by this.
We're not a couple of lower class, drinking, drugging, swinging people. We raised a blended family together, have good careers, well thought of by others, regarded by most to be upstanding people, etc.. I say this because I know it sounds like something you'd see on Jerry Springer's show. We're not. I just wish I knew what to do. I"m so confused right now. 
All input is appreciated.


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## Caro (Nov 11, 2012)

Boilermaker, I really feel for you. I've been through a divorce in the past, and your messages brought up all the old pain, confusion and frustration.

I think you need to ask yourself one question: "Do you want to try to fix this or not?" I certainly can't blame you either way - but I do feel strongly that you need to figure out once and for all what YOU want. 

If you DON'T want to try to save it: be clear and consistent about that with her (no waffling), go see a therapist yourself alone because it WILL help you (be sure to get a lot of referrals so you can get a good one), consult a lawyer about how to proceed financially and with the divorce.

If you DO want to try to save it: you need to do everything you can to not agitate her future (that means trying to be the "perfect" person, even though in any given moment you may not want to be because she's doing something to provoke you). She's clearly in bad shape right now, and is going to react badly to many seemingly innocuous things, so don't give her anything to react badly too. From reading your updates, I'd say you need to take care with the following:
1) Don't talk about or change anything in the house or your life - she seems to want your life to be exactly the same as it was, no furniture changed or moved, etc.
2) Don't push her about where she's been, or what she's up to - she seems to want her space. If you want to have a chance of regaining the relationship, best not push her.
3) Don't push her about the inheritance $ - I don't know about the rules of your state, but the rules of mine say inheritance belongs only to the person who inherited it, which means it's entirely hers to do with as she pleases. Whether you feel that's just or unjust, it may be the law, and either way it's clearly something she wants to hold on to right now.
4) Don't push her on the affection/sex/other room issue - When people don't feel affectionate, bugging them about it is only going to make them feel less affectionate. I know it seems unfair, but again, if you want to have a chance of rekindling some flame, you can't push it.
5) Ask her how her day was and really listen with full body language and not while multitasking. Ask her how her sisters are, ask her anything that shows sincere caring. Then ask follow up questions as she answers that show you're interested and paying attention. If she doesn't want to talk about it, let it go with no recrimination.
6) Do other things to help rekindle that flame, but don't be pushy about any of them. Be with her (but don't force her to be with you). Make a suggestion for something you could do together (but don't get upset if she says no), just make another suggestion on the next day. Do little things to make the environment pleasant (but don't push it in her face that you did) - for example, make a nice fire on a chilly evening, clean the house, whatever... make the home a nice place to be. Even if she goes out anyway (or doesn't come home) it will make being home more attractive.
7) Consider anything you could sincerely apologize for and do so at an appropriate moment, with no "but..." after the apology. For example, I understand your reasons for not going to the hospital that time, but it clearly hurt her. Reasonable or unreasonable, an apology could help to mend things, especially if it's done in a way that allows her to express her own hurt. Something like "I'm sorry I didn't go to the hospital. I understand that really hurt you. Did you feel like I wasn't supporting you?" Or something like that, that allows her to then say "yes" and explain, or "no" and explain why not. When she does explain, it goes without saying don't then go back to try to justify your position of not going. Just hear her and empathize.

A lot of posters think she's having an affair - Maybe yes, maybe no. Without knowing, you still need to decide how you are going to proceed. So answer the question for yourself: Do you want to try to save the marriage or not? No one can answer that for you.

Good luck!

Caro


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What kind of bar was it? Lesbian? Amazons threw you out? She did not come to your rescue?

You had a long run but she's been gone a long time. Take care of yourself and file. She's gone over to the Springer side of life.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

boilermaker52 said:


> When I leaned down next to her, this amazon of a woman grabbed me by the coat and almost knocked me to the floor. Another amazon behind me grabbed my shoulder and almost took it off. I tried to explain to these 2 drunk women that I was her husband and wanted her to come home and get to hell out of the joint. It was serial. I was escorted out by another large amazon.
> She called me from her cell shortly thereafter and I told her it was over and to come get her stuff back out of the house.


 The fact that she did not stop them from doing this or come to your aid in anyway means that they did this with her consent. This is a betyal of you at the most core level of what it means to be a spouse. The fact that she did not leave with you further confirms this.

Being married to someone means at its most basic level that they have a loyalty to you before all others. That is clearly not the case with your former wife. I call her your former wife because she left the marraige long ago. You cannot have a marraige with only one person in it. You have been married so long that you cannot imagine ending it, but you should. A few years after the divorce when you find someone that wants to be your wife, you will know happiness again and wonder why you did not divorce sooner. There is someone out there that would love to spend time with you and grow old with you. Someone that would fight off Amazons to try to protect you even if it meant that she got hurt. Someone that will always have your back. The sooner that you find her, the sooner that you can live again. 

Sorry that you are here. You gave this marraige your best shot. It is time to call it a day. Good luck to you and be well.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

You love someone that doesn't exist. You are in a marriage with a person that is no longer alive. I'm sorry buddy, have hope, life gets better, I'm proof of that.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She didn't step in to call the amazons off of you, that says it all.

She could have. Called them off. She could have left with you.

She didn't do either. She chose to compound her lies ith betrayal.

So who was she really at the bar with? Was a lesbian bar? Has you wife switched teams? Boy or girl, she got dressed up for a date.

Either way, she in public chose to throw you under the bus. 

You can't possibly recover from that, her clothes should have been on the porch 20 min after you got home from the humiliation she subjected you to.

You may love her, but her actions show loud and clear she does not love you. A woman who loves a man would have treated the bar situation entirely differently. Instead she let these women assault you and then she went right back to her date night.

That's not love, frankly that's deep hostility and hatred from her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Man you have been going on almost a year dealing with this women, isn't time to just let her go.

You gave her a shot and let her back in only to get hurt again. Please stop torturing your self and work on your self, let her go and find the happiness you diserve from someone else.

So what you do now is look after your self and let this women be someone else problem. You tried you realy gave it your best shot....she is just not that same women anymore.

Its up to her sister or her amazon girl friends...or who ever will take her but I think you stuck with it for a almost a year and it only seems to get worse.

You may not be able to do anything for her now, but you can do something for your self now and that is distance your self from this madness and take some time for your self and stop trying to figure something were its just not worth figuring out.


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## boilermaker52 (Nov 28, 2011)

Thank you all. I have seriously considered doing exactly what you've all suggested. It may be coming sooner than I think. I'm trying to get through the holidays anyway I can. My step kids and I are very close as are the grandkids derived from these step children. Even They can't figure their mother out.
I have adopted a passive role in this. My life will move on. I've told her that that night was where the turning point was and the lines had been crossed. I can't fight anymore. As one of you put it, it's been almost one year since this all started, or at least escalated to what it is now.
I never thought about her stepping in to bail me out that night but how right you all are. She didn't. Instead I got seperated by the bar tender and escorted abruptly out of the bar. She stayed there but left shortly after that and tried to call me at home. I refused to talk to her because I was so upset.
I'm weery, I'm tired, I'm worn down by it all. I know what you're all telling me is right because you can see it for what it's worth. A failure. 25 years gone. So many memories. Mostly good ones too. But I'm tired of walking around with slippers on like being on eggs all the time when she's around. It's very volatile now. One wrong move or word and BAM! all hell breaks lose.
I am seeing a counselor now and it's helping a lot. Good advice. She still won't go and I suspect it's because sooner or later the fickle finger of contribution will start pointing at her and she won't let that happen. This tells me something. It tells me that she's not interested in making this work anymore.
Sadly, you all may be right. It may be time to move on. How I hate that thought. But love from another may be just around the corner. I hope so.
Thank You all. You are all very good at responding and putting it out there so I can read it right. I'm going to try to move forward.
I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving too.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

On the upside there are tons of good people out there that have been through similar troubles and are looking for a worthy partner.

I suspect she has used you to raise her kids and is now letting her true self show. Beware she may try to make you the badguy to your stepkids. An aquaitance of mine had that happen. When the last kid went to school she had an affair. She's now on her 4th husband, cheated on her first three, and just married this guy who has a worse cheating record than she does.

Side note - don't leave your wife/daughters at home to deal with repair/delivery men. He was an expert at servicing more than air conditioners.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

BTW keep us apprised of how things are going.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Why is she at the bar if she doesn't drink ? The worst case scenario is very hard to imagine.. But it does makes sense now. She was probably trolling the bars for men or women..She was likely going there after you are asleep..(even though you were checking her at her sister's house, she was leaving for bars late at night.. ). You might even want to hire a PI or check on her yourself if you need the final proof.

Do you have access to her phone records ? The proof will give you some closure regarding the situation


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## PanchoVilla (Jun 2, 2012)

What do you mean by "Amazons" ? i dont get it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## boilermaker52 (Nov 28, 2011)

PanchoVilla said:


> What do you mean by "Amazons" ? i dont get it
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, it's an old term used to describe a rather large, muscular woman who can usually beat down any guy. Think of Zena the warrior I guess. I didn't mean to offend anyone. I hope I didn't. But these two women were harder to deal with physically than any male I've ever had to tangle with. But I'm not the kind of guy who normally fights women who are drunk anyway.


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## boilermaker52 (Nov 28, 2011)

I hope you all had a good holiday. Mine was actually pretty good too. We got along, the kids were great, the day went well, but in the end, she left and stayed back at her sisters. Lately though she seems to be softer in tone and temper. I don't know what's going on. Maybe she beginning to realize that she indeed has a major role in all of this and I'm not hanging it over her head anymore. Frankly, giving up may still be my best option. But I'm old school and planned on being in it for life. I wish she was. At my age (60) there isn't much hope of finding a new interest, and I wouldn't want to bore some poor woman with my troubles.
Thanks so much all of you. Your input has helped me through this more than you know. Perhaps some day I'll be able to pay it forward for someone. In the mean time, I'll keep reading what everyone has to say. There's a lot of good old plain wisdom in this forum.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

boilermaker52 said:


> I hope you all had a good holiday. Mine was actually pretty good too. We got along, the kids were great, the day went well, but in the end, she left and stayed back at her sisters. Lately though she seems to be softer in tone and temper. I don't know what's going on. Maybe she beginning to realize that she indeed has a major role in all of this and I'm not hanging it over her head anymore. Frankly, giving up may still be my best option. *But I'm old school and planned on being in it for life. I wish she was. At my age (60) there isn't much hope of finding a new interest, and I wouldn't want to bore some poor woman with my troubles*.
> Thanks so much all of you. Your input has helped me through this more than you know. Perhaps some day I'll be able to pay it forward for someone. In the mean time, I'll keep reading what everyone has to say. There's a lot of good old plain wisdom in this forum.


At this point you have to be able to keep some self respect.

Maybe she'll come around, or not, but you have to be willing to let her go first


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What have you been doing for yourself? I know about 60, LOL The best thing you can do is start weight lifting, exercising, buying some new clothes haircut etc. 

I feel 100% better since staring to lift again a few years ago. Plus it holds bag age better than anything else.


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## boilermaker52 (Nov 28, 2011)

Thanks folks. I take your suggestions very seriously. It really is time I started doing something just for ME. Been a long time.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

What you need to do for yourself is divorce, which should've been done more than a half a year ago to be honest

Woman was checked out for years, and marriage has been nonexistant. All you're doing is desperately clinging to the pieces of what was.


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## 22years (Dec 5, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Boiler,
> 
> Emotionally broken people really have difficulty being nice to people they're close to. Somehow, significant others "become" the stand in for those they're really angry with.
> 
> ...


Wow - boiler ... That hit home. At least now I know I'm not crazy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## boilermaker52 (Nov 28, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> She refuses to go to MC, work on the marriage, and you're basically doing in-house separation. This is not a marriage and she's not your wife, she's your roommate. I suggest that you do the 180, look it up so you can detach. Then prepare for divorce. If she's not in an affair now, she soon will be. She will be looking for a man to fulfill her needs because she doesn't want you. I'm surprised you havent gotten the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech. Its only when she faces the reality of losing you that she may come to the table and work with you to repair the marriage.
> 
> Some of these stay at home moms are the most selfish, self-entitled princesses. Time to man up and demand she do her part. She allegedly goes to her sisters all the time. Have you verified this? Does she guard her phone all the time? Is she on the internet all the time? Does she have her phone password protected? Does she password protect the computer? The emotional and physical withdrawal from you are huge red flags.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hello.
Thank you for your input. Today, Saturday June 14th, it is one week since she fessed up to having been with another guy - an affair. I have recently gotten the "I love you but am not IN love with you" speech. She claims that things that took place between us drove her to this but truly, I can't go on that. Yes, there's been a great deal of problems with us since her dad passed away and YES she has become more distant than ever. But she has been to a counselor with me one time so far and plans on attending several times more. Will it work? Only time will tell. I hope so because even though she has done the worst to me, I still love her and am standing by her. Am I crazy? Some people would think so. But we now have almost 26 years into this and although it's been tough, I truly think there is a small ember to fan. At least one counselor I've talked with several times thinks there's a chance. I love my wife, and I have done things that could harm the marriage; I admit that. But I've never failed to correct my behavior when it was brought up or discussed.
I don't know. But I know one thing, I love her and will go until the end. She even said she wants to exhaust all possibilities.


Others please feel free to chime in here. Has anyone been down this road and salvaged their marriage? If so, how? Is there something I need to do or should that might enhance my chances? PLEASE! All help is appreciated.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

How many guys and how many times? Is this an ongoing thing? Who are the guys?


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## boilermaker52 (Nov 28, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Boiler,
> 
> Emotionally broken people really have difficulty being nice to people they're close to. Somehow, significant others "become" the stand in for those they're really angry with.
> 
> ...


Thank you.
My life has been pure hell lately with her. She confessed to an affair with a guy she's known for some time. This was just last week. What you said is so true. One counselor with whom I've spoken said I need to set a few ground rules for her and stick to them. I'm afraid to do that because it might make her pull back all that much more. I'm must so afraid of losing her. She's truly been my sole mate.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

boilermaker52 said:


> My life has been pure hell lately with her. She confessed to an affair with a guy she's known for some time. This was just last week.


Did you tell her to end it? Is he married? Do you have his name?



boilermaker52 said:


> One counselor with whom I've spoken said I need to set a few ground rules for her and stick to them. I'm afraid to do that because it might make her pull back all that much more. I'm must so afraid of losing her. She's truly been my sole mate.


You've already lost her, and while she may be your soul mate, you obviously aren't hers. Come down on her hard and you might get her back. Being a wuss repels women.


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## boilermaker52 (Nov 28, 2011)

TO All who have followed my posts:
It HAS happened as predicted. She's had an all out affair. This cut me to the quick. I'm beside myself with pain. I just can't make sense of it all. 
I looked back in the diary I started to keep and realized that I have had some responsibility in how she is. I wasn't trying hard enough to understand what she was going through. When I read what I had written it became obvious that as time went on her treatment of me became worse until she crossed all the lines. Naturally, anytime I felt ignored (which was getting more often) I tried to pull her too me harder. This didn't work of course. I have to admit that there were time I surely could have handled myself better considering her emotional state. Now I suffer for this terribly in knowing that I might have had a chance at preventing any of this by simply being there for her in the right way even though I truly was there when I was needed or at least accepted.
Now, she's on the fence between counseling and divorce. I've gotten the "I Love you but I'm NOT in love with you" speech and she's told me that she loves me but not in the way it takes to make a marriage work. It doesn't help either that she hasn't broken off all communication with this other guy - a married man with a wonderful attractive wife, but also known for doing this sort of thing. She claims to no longer see him but she texts him quite often. In fact, this is how I learned of the whole involvement. I'm so sad now. She is the love of my life and I can't imagine my life without her after almost 27 years of having her.
Has anyone out there ever overcome this and salvaged their marriage? Can you help me? ANy advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank You


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Break up the affair. The easiest way to do this is to give all your evidence to OM's wife. He'll drop your WW like a hot potato.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Being terrified of losing her is not going to help you keep her. Being willing to walk away, and having her know that, might. 

Fear of the unknown is keeping you locked in. Let that fear go.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you don't talk to the om wife you have no chance. If you do he will have to dumpyour wife and she will see she is just apiece to him. 

Quit blaming yourself, she just isn't the great person you thought she was. It takes a selfish immoral person to not give a care about two families they are trying to break up.

Actually, I hope you find a good person to replace her.

You realize she thinks you are worthless if you would take her cheating and just overlook it , right?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I was in a similar situation as you so I can't say I blame you for trying to make this work. When someone we love deeply betrays us we want to believe the best in them. We want to believe they are remorseful and have changed and won't do it again.

Unfortunately, the truth of the matter, from what you will learn in your own experience, is that the woman you thought you married does not exist any longer. She has been replaced by a narcissistic sl*tty b*tch who does not care about you or your marriage.

That will best be displayed by her actions NOT her words.

I suggest some counselling, obviously you have some internal emotional stuff that makes you think it's ok to be a punching bag. You can reconcile if you want but you will be back in this position again in the future. Best to start the pain and grieving process now instead of having to restart later.

I reconciled for 9 months, before I found out the entire process was a lie. I was CONVINCED we were doing awesome, that she was remorseful, that everything was going to be awesome in our lives. I'd link to one of the posts I did about my reconciliation, I read it a few months ago and thought, "How could I believe this?" It was also obvious that I ignored all the smart people in the forum who were telling me I was going to get screwed. Namely, the people on this thread who've been saying the whole time that she was cheating on you and that you should move on.

Either way, whether you stay or start detaching now. I want to assure you that if you use this experience to become a better person it will be a positive experience. You may not be able to feel that or understand it for many months, but it will come. I'm extremely thankful for all of the BS that went along with my experience, it really helped shape me and strengthen my resolve in life.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The #1 thing you need to do is breakup her affair. It's why she feels the way she does.

Exposé the affair to the other mans wife. It is your only hope here.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

So she put you through all that crap so she could spread her legs Guilt Free and you want to keep her? Kick her off the fence. You say you're 60 She's already wasted enough of your time. Don't waste another second on that not gonna say it. Good luck to you. 



Wonder if a couple of folks want to come back and eat some crow.


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