# Trying to keep the faith



## Reddevil99

Hey guys.
Been hovering around for a few days and thought I would share my story.

Wife and I been together for 17 years, I'm 39 and she's 37, two boys aged 10 and 8.

We've had a good relationship or so I thought, usual arguments about kids / jobs / money etc. 

3 months ago my life was turned upside down when I discovered she had been involved in affair with a co worker, 15 years her junior. WTF. He's closer to my son's age than hers but anyway.......

She denied it at first but I got the truth out of her. I suspected something was wrong but never ever thought she would do that. She was overwhelmed with shame and remorse, quit her job and arranged counselling sessions for us. She appeared to be doing all the right things to reconcile and I wanted to as well. We probably moved too quickly. She had one night at her parents but then came home.

Counselling started but it was clear that her heart wasn't in it and she was becoming less interested in the counselling and me as the weeks went on. I got the ILYBIMILWY and admitted she had feelings for this other guy.

After about 8 weeks she decided she needed space and went to her parents and we shared the kids. Before this I had booked a holiday for us which we all went on and had a great time. Unfortunately the day after we returned she said she wanted the relationship to end.

She has been gone a month now and she told me it has nothing to do with the other guy but years and years of resentment that have built up and she wasn't happy with me. She's since said many other things about why we've broken up, withdrawing for years / different people now etc etc. 

She still tells me she loves me and misses me and comes around all the time. We cook and have a few beers and I try to use this time to rebuild a connection but she isn't interested. Her reasons for leaving really don't stack up, she has been a loving wife up until about 6 months ago when the affair started. She could have gone right back to him but I can't control that, if she has I'll file for divorce.

However if she hasn't I genuinely do want to reconcile. We've been together a long time, I love her and want my family back together. It was our 5th wedding anniversary recently and she wrote me a card telling me how much she loves me and all the nice stuff I do for her.

I'm trying to get my life sorted, trying to buy a new house and started doing things on my own. 180 is difficult when we have two kids but I'm trying.

I'm really hoping someone can offer some help / inspiration or maybe someone has been in a similar situation. 

Thanks

RedDevil


----------



## Casual Observer

Sorry to hear about this. Unfortunately, if she's just not into you anymore, there's not much you can do about it. But one thing for sure you don't want is to create a scenario in which you're still there for her, as a friend, while she goes off with other guys. Having beers with her, feeling some of the connection... in your case, you're feeling all of the connection, and she's going a la carte. All the stuff she wants without the responsibility.

Curious that you've been together for 17 years, been married just 5, with two kids, 10 & 8. What kept you from getting married previously? Were kids always in the plan, or did it just happen? Was marriage possibly something she wasn't that interested in? How is she with the kids?


----------



## Reddevil99

Hey @Casual Observer thanks for your reply. I get the first bit and I'm trying to tone it down. Difficult with kids though. I don't know what else to do. For example, I just went to her Mum's house to pick up the kids swimming stuff and they were desperate for her to come swimming with us tomorrow so now she is. I obviously want to do things as a family cos it is much nicer than doing it on my own.

We were together for 4 years at University then I was busy with study for my career for another 3 years. Kids just happened and then marriage followed which she definitely wanted, if anything it was me that wasn't too concerned about tying the knot. She's a great mum and has been a great wife. I've not been the best husband and she's obviously done some damage. I don't think anything is still going on cos she saw what it did to me but I could be wrong.
I just left her house and she hugged and kissed me and told me she loved me. I've got no expectations anymore so it is in one ear and out the other but it is very strange. Maybe she just feels guilty. I moved away to a small island so she could be closer to her family 3 years ago and now I'm out on my own.


----------



## Diana7

All cheaters blame the other spouse instead of taking responsibilty. You say she was filled with shame and remorse, but ONLY after you found out. Why wasnt she filled with shame and remorse while it was going on? She is sorry she got caught basically. If you hadnt found out she would still be cheating. 
I would stop the chummy behaviour. Make it clear that if she wants the marriage to end there will be no more contact between you except specifically about the boys. She needs to know what it will be like alone.


----------



## Reddevil99

Hey @Diana7 looking back she was depressed before I found out. Always in bed asleep, no motivation for anything. I noticed this and she agreed. She broke it off before I found a letter, the letter did sound like he was trying to get her back but that doesn't really matter i suppose, the damage was done.

I'll give it some time first and then put my foot down, it can't carry on like this forever.


----------



## Laurentium

Reddevil99 said:


> I'm trying to get my life sorted, trying to buy a new house and started doing things on my own. 180 is difficult when we have two kids but I'm trying.


The above sounds like the right approach. 

I'd be interested to hear more about what happened in your few weeks of counselling. What the counselor tried to do. 

It may or may not be the case that depression was the cause of it. It sometimes is.


----------



## Reddevil99

The counsellor wasn't a marriage counsellor for a start, she was someone who the insurance found for us. We had no experience in this area so got what we were given.

She never seemed to have any answers, always said that we'd work on issues but never actually did. She took sides with me (the BS spouse) and made some curt comments to my wife about cheating. My wife wasn't invested from the start though and I think the counsellor knew this. Just the morning before the first session she was telling me how confused she was and didn't know what she wanted anymore. I thought she would sort herself out but I was wrong.
On the surface everything was going well between us but there was an undercurrent of sadness on both sides. I think her guilt was eating away at her in a bit way. She's always been one to hide / runaway from her issues and I suspected she'd do the same with this. 
She compartmentalised her issues very well and she's doing the same now. When she comes around it's like nothing has happened. She continues as normal until it's time for her to leave. Very sad.


----------



## Openminded

Has she said she loves you but isn’t in love with you?

When women leave it’s usually because we’re done and aren’t planning on coming back. If that’s what she wants, let her go. Begging and pleading will only make you look weak so don’t. Maybe at some point she‘ll decide to try again but continue on with your life as if that will never happen because it may not.


----------



## Reddevil99

Yeh I got the ILYBINILWY speech. It hurt. I've done no begging but have made a few mistakes in trying to talk logic but soon realised the error of my ways.

Since then she's been coming around a lot. Really confusing for me but I'm going with the flow. Not sure if it's her guilt or doing it for the kids but I'll just wait and see.

I asked about divorce a while ago and she didn't want to talk about it so I haven't brought it up again. She only took a suitcase of stuff for her and the kids.


----------



## jlg07

Reddevil99 said:


> She has been gone a month now and she told me it has nothing to do with the other guy but years and years of resentment that have built up and she wasn't happy with me


So, you KNOW that cheaters LIE, right? She is re-writing your marital history to justify her cheating, and her saying it has NOTHING to do with the other guy -- PURE BS.



Reddevil99 said:


> She still tells me she loves me and misses me and comes around all the time. We cook and have a few beers and I try to use this time to rebuild a connection but she isn't interested. Her reasons for leaving really don't stack up, she has been a loving wife up until about 6 months ago when the affair started


This is HER trying to calm her guilt -- see, he still hangs out with me, he still wants me around, so it really WASN'T that BAD. Even dear old hubby is ok with it. 
THAT is what this is. You need to STOP doing this and start detaching. She is gone, has not only TOLD you this, but has shown you this by cheating. She doesn't want counseling, she isn't remorseful, and would be a VERY poor candidate for reconciliation. 
Get YOUR plans together, for you and your kids, get YOUR self together -- eat right, exercise, figure out YOUR future without her in it..


----------



## Diana7

Reddevil99 said:


> Hey @Diana7 looking back she was depressed before I found out. Always in bed asleep, no motivation for anything. I noticed this and she agreed. She broke it off before I found a letter, the letter did sound like he was trying to get her back but that doesn't really matter i suppose, the damage was done.
> 
> I'll give it some time first and then put my foot down, it can't carry on like this forever.


Thats what guilt does to you.


----------



## Diana7

Reddevil99 said:


> Yeh I got the ILYBINILWY speech. It hurt. I've done no begging but have made a few mistakes in trying to talk logic but soon realised the error of my ways.
> 
> Since then she's been coming around a lot. Really confusing for me but I'm going with the flow. Not sure if it's her guilt or doing it for the kids but I'll just wait and see.
> 
> I asked about divorce a while ago and she didn't want to talk about it so I haven't brought it up again. She only took a suitcase of stuff for her and the kids.


Its your decision as to whether to divorce her or not. Its not hers. You dont need to talk to her about it first. 
Basically she has shattered the marriage into pieces.


----------



## Diana7

Reddevil99 said:


> Yeh I got the ILYBINILWY speech. It hurt. I've done no begging but have made a few mistakes in trying to talk logic but soon realised the error of my ways.
> 
> Since then she's been coming around a lot. Really confusing for me but I'm going with the flow. Not sure if it's her guilt or doing it for the kids but I'll just wait and see.
> 
> I asked about divorce a while ago and she didn't want to talk about it so I haven't brought it up again. She only took a suitcase of stuff for her and the kids.


She wants you as her friend but not her husband. Until she gets a chance to miss you, nothing will change. You can both be parents yet not be matey with her.


----------



## Beach123

Diana7 said:


> She wants you as her friend but not her husband. Until she gets a chance to miss you, nothing will change. You can both be parents yet not be matey with her.


yep! Start parenting your kids on your own! She ruined the marriage and betrayed you - yet you are being all nice to her? She isn’t a good wife - stop saying that! A good wife doesn’t ruin the family by making conscious decisions to harm the family unit.

and then you reward her bad behavior by taking her in a vacation? Come on man... wake up! Does she work? Does she need your money? I’m betting she’s being nice and friendly because she still wants access to your money because her 22 year old boy doesn’t make enough.

stop playing nice with someone who betrayed you. Get flaming mad! Expose her terrible behavior to ALL family and friends! SHE did this - and she hasn’t even owned it. It’s all on her since she opened her legs.

stop being so understanding. See an attorney because my vet is she’s about to take you to the cleaners. Make sure she doesn’t have access to any large amount of money or credit cards.

parent your kids on your own - they never stop being your kids. Learn to be an effective parent without her.

I’d also bet money she is still seeing him... have you checked all of her phone records? I hope you’ve had an STD test!

don’t agree to see her again - get your kids cell phones and communicate with them directly. Have an attorney communicate with her. She’s only feeding you lies at this point. She’s not sorry she’s done this - she’s only sorry she got caught.

read No More Mr. Nice Guy - you’re gonna need that Info... you’re being way too nice to someone that ruined your life.


----------



## Dadto2

I've gone through the same thing and it does suck. Your wife doesn't love you anymore and there is nothing you can do to win her back. She has to want to come back. You didn't beg her to marry you, you can't beg her to stay married to you. 

The best thing for you to do is break off ALL contact, except when it pertains to your kids. And then, keep it friendly, but nothing more. You need to prepare for life without her. Yeah it will be hard, but it's the right thing for you to do mentally. No more dinners and cookouts with her. Cut that crap out now! If she doesn't want to be in the marriage 100%, she doesn't get you at all. Get in the mindset that you don't need her, she needs you. Man, she cheated on you...she stepped out of the marriage. That's the worst thing a spouse can do in a marriage. You have the upper hand and are in control. If anyone should be begging to stay married, it should be her. Once a cheat, always a cheat in my book . So count your blessings...she gave you a get out of jail free card. 

Keep doing the 180. It definitely works. It is designed to help YOU move on. But it can also make your wife wonder why the hell you are able to move on so easily and give you more control of the situation. And cutting off all contact is the only chance you have of getting her back, if that's what you really want.


----------



## Reddevil99

Thanks all for the advice. 180 here i come.


----------



## GC1234

Hi! I'm sorry to hear about your situation. 
Did your wife specify what resentments she had toward you? Why she was resentful all of these years? 



Reddevil99 said:


> She still tells me she loves me and misses me and comes around all the time. We cook and have a few beers and I try to use this time to rebuild a connection but she isn't interested.


This can be very confusing, she is saying one thing, then doing another...I don't think she knows where she stands. It could be that she is still seeing the other guy, and when things are good with them, she shows lack of interest in you and when things go sour for them, then she loves and misses you...just a thought. 

What did the marriage counselor say about your situation before your wife started to lose interest in going?

Finally, there is this article about the doing the 180. Something along the lines of how you should act in this situation.


----------



## Reddevil99

Hi @GC1234 she said I didn't support her enough when the kids were born / when her dad died and some other things. That was a long time ago and we only married 5 years ago so why bother getting married if she had all that resentment. 
She could be still seeing the other guy. At the moment I think it is unlikely, she quit her job immediately and now she's with her Mum and our kids. Still possible though. I think she just can't quite give up the relationship completely just yet even though she says she is done. 
She has only taken 1 suitcase for all 3 of them, hasn't told the kids anything and doesn't want to talk about any of the adult things related to it. Very strange.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

Reddevil99 said:


> Hi @GC1234 she said I didn't support her enough when the kids were born / when her dad died and some other things. That was a long time ago and we only married 5 years ago so why bother getting married if she had all that resentment.
> She could be still seeing the other guy. At the moment I think it is unlikely, she quit her job immediately and now she's with her Mum and our kids. Still possible though. I think she just can't quite give up the relationship completely just yet even though she says she is done.
> She has only taken 1 suitcase for all 3 of them, hasn't told the kids anything and doesn't want to talk about any of the adult things related to it. Very strange.



Bullcrap.

Double bullcrap.


----------



## Reddevil99

I know! This makes the whole thing worse!


----------



## GC1234

Reddevil99 said:


> Hi @GC1234 she said I didn't support her enough when the kids were born / when her dad died and some other things. That was a long time ago and we only married 5 years ago so why bother getting married if she had all that resentment.
> She could be still seeing the other guy. At the moment I think it is unlikely, she quit her job immediately and now she's with her Mum and our kids. Still possible though. I think she just can't quite give up the relationship completely just yet even though she says she is done.
> She has only taken 1 suitcase for all 3 of them, hasn't told the kids anything and doesn't want to talk about any of the adult things related to it. Very strange.


Yeah, usually resentment can build up after a marriage, not before, or exactly as you say, why bother to get married if she had all of these qualms? So now that only leads me to believe that she's making an excuse. 

Hopefully she's not seeing the other guy, but I think you deserve more; she shouldn't dangle herself like a carrot in front of you when it's convenient for her and frankly, you shouldn't allow it! That's most important. I say what the others say, do the 180 if you want to reconcile. If you don't, don't bother with her at all unless it has to do with the kids.


----------



## Reddevil99

Agreed. It is all BS. Was thinking back to all the times she said I was a great husband. I even moved my whole life so she could be nearer her family and she used that against me.
Not contacted her today and just had a missed call. Think I'll leave it but I'll have to speak to her later anyway when the kids call. Can't win.


----------



## GC1234

Reddevil99 said:


> Agreed. It is all BS. Was thinking back to all the times she said I was a great husband. I even moved my whole life so she could be nearer her family and she used that against me.
> Not contacted her today and just had a missed call. Think I'll leave it but I'll have to speak to her later anyway when the kids call. Can't win.


That's where you're wrong. You're winning already...now you know the whole truth, and the ball is in your court.


----------



## Reddevil99

Thanks for your support. Much appreciated. Guessing I should ignore her call then?


----------



## GC1234

Reddevil99 said:


> Thanks for your support. Much appreciated. Guessing I should ignore her call then?


No problem! No, I wouldn't ignore the call...could be something about the kids. But when you do talk on the phone, keep it professional, and only pertaining to the kids, nothing more.


----------



## Rob_1

Reddevil99 said:


> Hey guys.
> Been hovering around for a few days and thought I would share my story.
> 
> Wife and I been together for 17 years, I'm 39 and she's 37, two boys aged 10 and 8.
> 
> We've had a good relationship or so I thought, usual arguments about kids / jobs / money etc.
> 
> 3 months ago my life was turned upside down when I discovered she had been involved in affair with a co worker, 15 years her junior. WTF. He's closer to my son's age than hers but anyway.......
> 
> She denied it at first but I got the truth out of her. I suspected something was wrong but never ever thought she would do that. She was overwhelmed with shame and remorse, quit her job and arranged counselling sessions for us. She appeared to be doing all the right things to reconcile and I wanted to as well. We probably moved too quickly. She had one night at her parents but then came home.
> 
> Counselling started but it was clear that her heart wasn't in it and she was becoming less interested in the counselling and me as the weeks went on. I got the ILYBIMILWY and admitted she had feelings for this other guy.
> 
> After about 8 weeks she decided she needed space and went to her parents and we shared the kids. Before this I had booked a holiday for us which we all went on and had a great time. Unfortunately the day after we returned she said she wanted the relationship to end.
> 
> She has been gone a month now and she told me it has nothing to do with the other guy but years and years of resentment that have built up and she wasn't happy with me. She's since said many other things about why we've broken up, withdrawing for years / different people now etc etc.
> 
> She still tells me she loves me and misses me and comes around all the time. We cook and have a few beers and I try to use this time to rebuild a connection but she isn't interested. Her reasons for leaving really don't stack up, she has been a loving wife up until about 6 months ago when the affair started. She could have gone right back to him but I can't control that, if she has I'll file for divorce.
> 
> However if she hasn't I genuinely do want to reconcile. We've been together a long time, I love her and want my family back together. It was our 5th wedding anniversary recently and she wrote me a card telling me how much she loves me and all the nice stuff I do for her.
> 
> I'm trying to get my life sorted, trying to buy a new house and started doing things on my own. 180 is difficult when we have two kids but I'm trying.
> 
> I'm really hoping someone can offer some help / inspiration or maybe someone has been in a similar situation.
> 
> Thanks
> 
> RedDevil





Reddevil99 said:


> *I'm trying to get my life sorted, trying to buy a new house and started doing things on my own. 180 is difficult when we have two kids but I'm trying.
> *





I still don't understand it, I just don't. WTF is wrong with a lot of today's men that are so passive, so afraid, so cowered, so confused, so unable to have self respect, self worth, confidence in what they are, and what can be of their life on their own?
Time after time all we see is men so emasculated that they completely surrender their fate to the woman in their life, unable to make a decision on their own, and spend their time in agony, suffering, waiting and waiting in the insidious "hopium" that will make their wife make them love them all of the sudden again. All along pretending that their shagging another man/men, is like it didn't happen, or that they would pretend to forget about it as long as the wife take them back. That's pathetic.

As a man if my woman were to give the ILYBINILWY, or if I were to find out she cheated on me, I wouldn't care about the what, where, when, how, why. I would be gone in a NY minute. She would be dead to me in that instant. *It wouldn't matter how much I love her because what love have to with it?* My love for her wouldn't be the issue, her cheating and/or her not loving me anymore would be the issue. I would be so detached that she would think that she doesn't exist. 

KIDS: you can always have your allotment time with your kids without involving her. This involvement with her is keeping you from truly moving on, from completely detaching. it keeps you having "hopium" as an element of your confusion. Set up arrangements with text messages strictly to kids issues, nothing else. Why do you keep letting her hug you, telling you blah, blah things that don't mean anything other than to keep messing you up in your head. Why haven't you filed for divorce? 

I guess that you could have your family back in the eventually that she would change her mind (doubtful), but at what cost? your self respect? your self worth? always knowing that she got the hots for another man that she had sex with. knowing that she has not respect or love for you, but that she's doing it because she feels obligated? And finally, what would keep her from doing it again as the burden of being with someone that she has no respect or love bears heavy on her?


----------



## Reddevil99

I don't disagree with anything you say. I'm new to this so still trying to wrap my head around it. Don't even know where to start.


----------



## Rob_1

Well, as mentioned to you before, doing the 180 is the best you can immediately start practicing to help you detach from her. It is a proven way to do it. It really helps in that it makes you see thing with a clear head after a little while. read books like "No More Mr. Nice Guy" to help you regain yourself, that man that was before you married, and the man that can be from now on. Build self confidence, self worth. Give more importance to YOUR own life before anything or anyone else, because if you can't, how can you give life examples to teach to your kids? You need them to see a man that takes the bull from the horns, a man that radiates confidence and security. A man that takes no ******** from anybody. This apply to anyone else in your life. You're the MAN show it to the world, no matters if you're dying inside.


----------



## Reddevil99

Understood. Started the 180 tonight. Slightly harder when kids are involved but I'll do it.
Read about that book yesterday. Going to order it now. Thanks.


----------



## Nailhead

Reddevil99 said:


> Hey guys.
> Been hovering around for a few days and thought I would share my story.
> 
> Wife and I been together for 17 years, I'm 39 and she's 37, two boys aged 10 and 8.
> 
> We've had a good relationship or so I thought, usual arguments about kids / jobs / money etc.
> 
> 3 months ago my life was turned upside down when I discovered she had been involved in affair with a co worker, 15 years her junior. WTF. He's closer to my son's age than hers but anyway.......
> 
> She denied it at first but I got the truth out of her. I suspected something was wrong but never ever thought she would do that. She was overwhelmed with shame and remorse, quit her job and arranged counselling sessions for us. She appeared to be doing all the right things to reconcile and I wanted to as well. We probably moved too quickly. She had one night at her parents but then came home.
> 
> Counselling started but it was clear that her heart wasn't in it and she was becoming less interested in the counselling and me as the weeks went on. I got the ILYBIMILWY and admitted she had feelings for this other guy.
> 
> After about 8 weeks she decided she needed space and went to her parents and we shared the kids. Before this I had booked a holiday for us which we all went on and had a great time. Unfortunately the day after we returned she said she wanted the relationship to end.
> 
> She has been gone a month now and she told me it has nothing to do with the other guy but years and years of resentment that have built up and she wasn't happy with me. She's since said many other things about why we've broken up, withdrawing for years / different people now etc etc.
> 
> She still tells me she loves me and misses me and comes around all the time. We cook and have a few beers and I try to use this time to rebuild a connection but she isn't interested. Her reasons for leaving really don't stack up, she has been a loving wife up until about 6 months ago when the affair started. She could have gone right back to him but I can't control that, if she has I'll file for divorce.
> 
> However if she hasn't I genuinely do want to reconcile. We've been together a long time, I love her and want my family back together. It was our 5th wedding anniversary recently and she wrote me a card telling me how much she loves me and all the nice stuff I do for her.
> 
> I'm trying to get my life sorted, trying to buy a new house and started doing things on my own. 180 is difficult when we have two kids but I'm trying.
> 
> I'm really hoping someone can offer some help / inspiration or maybe someone has been in a similar situation.
> 
> Thanks
> 
> RedDevil


Your WW is hoovering you back in by stopping by for idle useless chit chat. Stop. Time for the 180 and ghost. File now.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

I'm sorry she left the marriage the way she did instead of being straightforward about it, but I've seen women do it a few times. They have an affair and test the waters and then either replace or decide, yes they are up for the single life again, after they are already basically done with the marriage. Much healthier to just leave and not cheat, but people aren't all healthy. 

I imagine she is done, by the sounds of it. Not because of that guy, by any means, but just wasn't happy to begin with and this was her hurtful way of moving on. You will probably just have to accept it. It doesn't mean she has found a replacement or will find one, just that she's been checked out for awhile, sadly.


----------



## Reddevil99

Yeh she does appear completely checked out. Strange though cause I didn't see it coming at all. She was completely normal until recently. I've only been doing the 180 a few hours and I've had two calls and a message.


----------



## Rob_1

Reddevil99 said:


> Yeh she does appear completely checked out. Strange though cause I didn't see it coming at all. She was completely normal until recently. *I've only been doing the 180 a few hours and I've had two calls and a message.*


Just a reminder: unless it is related to your kids needs, DO NOT reply. Please, whatever you do, do not reply. If about the kids: short and succinct about the kids issues, nothing else.


----------



## anchorwatch

Reddevil99 said:


> Understood. Started the 180 tonight. Slightly harder when kids are involved but I'll do it.
> Read about that book yesterday. Going to order it now. Thanks.


Here... No More Mr Nice Guy


----------



## Reddevil99

It is in my Kindle library already.


----------

