# Suggestions for taking care of future ex-wife



## timcarp1964 (Mar 26, 2019)

Hi all,
I have been off here a while but still come back and lurk every once in a while. I will say it gets frustrating when folks assume and don't ask questions before flinging bad advise on these forums. Please consider what you write as emotionally distraught people could make life decisions based upon your incomplete observations.

After 31 years of marriage, we are calling it quits. We tried to make it work, but we have been living in separate bedrooms for 2 years and I see little hope of that changing. She won't get a job, won't stop spending, and just sees my faults. I struggled as a Christian with Biblical rationale to divorce. However, I think she has compromised her own standards by staying with someone who was unfaithful (12 years ago). She was scared and that motivated her to stay. Fear is a terrible reason to stay with a person. About a month ago, she saw my internet accountability report where I was searching for help with Christian divorce. She asked me if I was still considering divorce, and I told her yes as I just feel trapped. She said let's work toward divorce then. Since that time, I have a sense of peace. 

I do still love her and probably always will, but I can't live with her. If I continue I will grow to hate her. For her sake and mine, I think divorce is best. To alleviate her concerns I told her I will take care of her financially; she can have 2/3 of my take home pay. I don't really have a problem with that as I can live (and thrive) fairly cheaply, but almost all my friends are telling me this is a mistake. I know that she won't be able to live on 2/3 the pay as she quite honestly is shopaholic. However, that will be her deal. I don't want to give lawyers a ton of money to work out the details. I want us to agree upon a plan and take it to a lawyer to enact. Thoughts? Am I enabling or loving?
Thanks in advance,
Tim


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I guess you do whatever makes you both happy though you should ensure that she cannot come after you for more money later. Ensure you have it all tied up legally. Though i do not understand why you want to give her 2/3, guilt? What happens if you meet someone else, you may want to have a meaningful life you can afford with her, there will be life after divorce, do you intend to spend it alone?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Guilt is a powerful thing, especially to us Christians. I understand where you are coming from. I had to give my marriage my all, even though I filled for divorce he gave me no choice and I am free from guilt because of that. 

I should of ended it years ago, but it’s the guilt and doing the right thing that stopped me.

I think that your wife is taking advantage of your kindness and good nature. And remember that God knows your heart. 

I don’t know what the right answer is for you. But you can take care of her post divorce anyway you want, but make sure that it’s not something your legally obligated to. Be selfish and fight for everything with minimal spousal support etc. then if you want to help her out more, you can do that.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I have to agree with your friends I think 50/50 is fair and frankly it’s time she step up and realize that it’s time that she learns to get a job and learn to take responsibility for her life...maybe for the first time.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

timcarp1964 said:


> I struggled as a Christian with Biblical rationale to divorce.


Sleeping in separate bedrooms for 2 years ? Sexual refusal was an old testament ground for divorce, personally, I believe it still is. I can certainly understand your struggle. A major component of this may have been your unfaithfulness.



timcarp1964 said:


> Am I enabling or loving?


I say enabling. You probably have been enabling for 3 decades. If her unwillingness to work, accompanied by her spendthrift, has been the general rule through 31 years of marriage, I think the courts will side with her, like they usually do. And, for your sake, it will be very unfair.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If you can live on 1/3rd then so can she. Personally I think giving her 1/3rd seems more than fair, then she can get a job if she wants more. After all she does need to finally grow up and learn that money doesn't grow on trees and if she wants more she will have to look for work.
Also make sure that if she marries again or lives with someone permanantly, the payment stops or is greatly reduced.
Its best to get this done legally though, make sure there are no loopholes. You could even agree to 1/2 for 6 months to enable her to have time to get work, and then reduce it to 1/3rd after that. Otherwise yes I do think you are enabling her over spending. 
Also wont she need to work to build up a pension for her old age? 

Think of the future, if you do ever meet another lady, how would she feel if you give the majority of your wages to a person who doean't work and spends too much? What happens when you retire?

As for the Christian aspect, talk to your pastor and talk to God. Make sure its what God wants for you.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Run it by a lawyer and see what the traditional payout is in your area and situation. Yes, you would be enabling her to continue her frivolous spending and immaturity.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

Sounds like you made your share of mistakes in the marriage. But I would not let guilt drive decisions that you may later regret. Christ forgives ours sins and you need to forgive yourself. Having said that, I would not offer 2/3 of your pay since that will put an undue burden on you going forward. 

I don't know what state you live in, but usually a divorce is 50/50 of martial property (personal belongings like furniture, cars, etc....and also an equal split of your finances at the time of separation). However, it sounds like what you are talking about is in the form of alimony since it's in addition to spitting your current assets. Alimony usually runs for a period of time, based on how long you were married, how much you made, how much your wife made. And once that time period is over (say 5 years), you are no longer obligated to financially assist her. I understand your guilt, but do you really want to live on 1/3 of what you make, while she enjoys the fruits of your labor...shopping as much as she wants, never getting a job...until the day you die? I think that's an arrangement you will quickly regret once divorced. I would talk to a lawyer and see what they think is fair from an alimony aspect. Good luck.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

So you are going to enable her? I get that you feel guilty. But she is an adult. Adults provide for themselves. Maybe start with 2/3 and decrease the amount given over a few years, that way she has time to adjust. Personally, I would not go over 50/50. Because after you are divorced....it is YOUR money not the two of you.
Good luck.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

"For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule:* "If a man will not work, he shall not eat." *We hear that some among you are idle. They are not busy; they are busybodies. Such people we command and urge in the Lord Jesus Christ to settle down and earn the bread they eat. 

And as for you, brothers, never tire of doing what is right. If anyone does not obey our instruction in this letter, take special note of him. Do not associate with him, in order that he may feel ashamed. Yet do not regard him as an enemy, but warn him as a brother."

Seems the Bible is pretty clear. If she wants to eat she's going to have to get a job like the rest of us. You are not obligated to support a grown adult with a spending problem. It's on her to learn to live within her means.

I'd giver her no more than the law in your jurisdiction says she is legally entitled to.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

timcarp1964 said:


> Hi all,
> I have been off here a while but still come back and lurk every once in a while. I will say it gets frustrating when folks assume and don't ask questions before flinging bad advise on these forums. Please consider what you write as emotionally distraught people could make life decisions based upon your incomplete observations.
> 
> After 31 years of marriage, we are calling it quits. We tried to make it work, but we have been living in separate bedrooms for 2 years and I see little hope of that changing. She won't get a job, won't stop spending, and just sees my faults. I struggled as a Christian with Biblical rationale to divorce. However, I think she has compromised her own standards by staying with someone who was unfaithful (12 years ago). She was scared and that motivated her to stay. Fear is a terrible reason to stay with a person. About a month ago, she saw my internet accountability report where I was searching for help with Christian divorce. She asked me if I was still considering divorce, and I told her yes as I just feel trapped. She said let's work toward divorce then. Since that time, I have a sense of peace.
> ...


Only offer spousal support in the amount required by the state you live.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

To answer your question, YES you are enabling her. 

She has a spending addiction and you are making it worse with your "Self imposed Guilt".

You think you are doing the right thing, but you are crippling her by allowing her to continue. 

And what if she marries the next sucker that she finds and she will keep all the money you gave her... 

Yes YOU ARE ENABLING HER... Actually doing harm to her...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

BluesPower said:


> To answer your question, YES you are enabling her.
> *She has a spending addiction and you are making it worse* with your "Self imposed Guilt".
> You think you are doing the right thing, but *you are crippling her* by allowing her to continue.
> And what if she marries the next sucker that she finds and she will keep all the money you gave her...
> Yes YOU ARE ENABLING HER... *Actually doing harm to her... *


Correct. Being generous isn't always the right thing to do.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

When you said "take care of your ex-wife" my first thought was well, that's one way to go. Kind of permanent and risky, not recommended, but hey it's your life.

😆😆😆🤣🤣🤣


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Enabling.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

So you'll live in a studio apartment with the hottest IKEA furniture from 2014. And tell any women you hope to date that your XW had the better attorney? 

And she'll still spend herself into bankruptcy with 2/3 of your paycheck? Is it after or before taxes by the way? 
So you're only delaying her inevitable declaration of bankruptcy?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

It seems that there's more and more suckers being born as times goes by.


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## timcarp1964 (Mar 26, 2019)

TJW said:


> Sleeping in separate bedrooms for 2 years ? Sexual refusal was an old testament ground for divorce, personally, I believe it still is. I can certainly understand your struggle. A major component of this may have been your unfaithfulness.
> 
> Can you cite a scripture to back up that claim?
> 
> ...


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## timcarp1964 (Mar 26, 2019)

I appreciate the comments, some more than others. WTH is with some of you people who feel the need to ridicule others who come seeking help? Oh well, that's your issue. 
It's not guilt motivating me to take care of her and my kids. It might be a warped sense of being a provider. I am still considering the best option going forward.
She talked to a mediator and I am meeting with the mediator on Tuesday. The mediator wants $5K - that seems really high for a deal we are in agreement on. Thoughts on that?

Thanks,
Tim


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

You need to read up on mediated divorce and divorce in general. See books recommended here: Let's talk about lawyers

Did she meet with the mediator already?


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

timcarp1964 said:


> I appreciate the comments, some more than others. WTH is with some of you people who feel the need to ridicule others who come seeking help? Oh well, that's your issue.
> It's not guilt motivating me to take care of her and my kids. It might be a warped sense of being a provider. I am still considering the best option going forward.
> She talked to a mediator and I am meeting with the mediator on Tuesday. The mediator wants $5K - that seems really high for a deal we are in agreement on. Thoughts on that?
> 
> ...


I'd say consider it a retainer type of fee. The money goes fast, even if you think you're in agreement. There will be things that are not agreed upon and that money flies away quicker than you can make it.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

50/50 seems fair to me... and you are enabling her. Trust me, I'm an expert...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You don't "take care of" ex-wives!

I think you're nuts for offering her money. Get an attorney and do what the attorney says. She can work just as well as you. If you have kids to share, you'll both have to take care of them so you'll both need jobs and learn to work around taking care of kids while working. If you have kids, that is the money the court will decide you'll pay for child support -- except I'd hope you'd want joint custody, in which case, you'd both share the financial burden. I think by offering her money, you're hoping to get her back and are making a bad mistake you'll later regret.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

timcarp1964 said:


> It might be a warped sense of being a provider


Then do not get upset/be left in wonderment when people reacts to your warped comments, as you originally posted. They really seemed coming from the left field. Probably you did not expressed yourself good enough.

I'm of the opinion that $5K is way to much for an agreed upon mediation. Might as well go straight to a lawyer for that kind of money.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

timcarp1964 said:


> About a month ago, she saw my internet accountability report where I was searching for help with Christian divorce. She asked me if I was *still* considering divorce, and I told her yes as I just feel trapped. She said let's work toward divorce then. Since that time, I have a sense of peace.


So, I read your prior post--several times. What a mess! As Conan said then, you do not have a marriage. I do not think you ever have--certainly not 31 years. Glad y'all are going to pursue legal dissolution of what is not anyway. I am so very sad for the pain of you both, and I am happy you have decided to legally mark what is.

I am a Christian who has been blessedly divorced for 25 years after a miserable marriage that long--sad loss of my dreams for me too--over and over. But divorce was the BEST thing ever. I do not like the divorce label and I run into those who focus on it even now. But none who knew him do. 

Lots of views of divorce are out there and they change over time and interpretation. One of the reasons I chose my Ex was his 'Christianity.' That made my pain deeper. He wanted out after a few weeks, but wanted me to pull the plug. I thought if I tried hard enough, things would be better. My error.

God knows the hearts and minds of you both. I'd hope you would follow the advice of a legal professional/mediator. If there are children or grandchildren or others, you may need to be able to provide for them in the future. I wonder if giving her more than 50% would have the opposite effect from what you wish. There would be a 'built in' imbalance that would not be good for either of you. Good wishes.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You don't "take care of" ex-wives!


Some in the mob would disagree. I kid, I kid!


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## sia (May 25, 2018)

Yeswecan said:


> Only offer spousal support in the amount required by the state you live.


I agree with this. Don't offer any more in writing. If you want to give her more money, you can, but you won't be obligated. Someday you will probably not want to. You have no idea right now what your future holds - the future you've been envisioning for 31 years has ended. Your new future will reveal itself in time, but don't make any written mistakes in the meantime. Listen to your lawyer.


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## sia (May 25, 2018)

timcarp1964 said:


> I appreciate the comments, some more than others. WTH is with some of you people who feel the need to ridicule others who come seeking help? Oh well, that's your issue.
> It's not guilt motivating me to take care of her and my kids. It might be a warped sense of being a provider. I am still considering the best option going forward.
> She talked to a mediator and I am meeting with the mediator on Tuesday. The mediator wants $5K - that seems really high for a deal we are in agreement on. Thoughts on that?
> 
> ...


You can fulfill your need to be a provider in other ways - just don't put it in writing. You have kids & kids need all types of crazy things as they grow up. Even school supplies can be so expensive. Save the money you want to give her (which would probably contribute to her personal shopping) and treat your kids to the extra things! Travel for sports, instrument for band, vacation with the kids every year, some great outfits before a new school year, on & on & on. You could make things possible that otherwise wouldn't. As a father/provider, I think that would be very rewarding and fulfilling.


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## Crushedandconfused (Jul 22, 2014)

I just jumped back into this forum as well and can’t believe your post, as it is my experience almost to the T. 

We just hit 30 yrs. kids are grown and out of the house but my two girls still need financial support. Plus I’m the kind of dad that believes in planning for the unknown as much as possible, while at 60yrs (both of us) she wants to continue to shop and play at running a small business. She keeps no books. Sells on line. Pays no taxes. And has started to do pretty well. I’ve always believed till death do we part but after a year of her living on the other side of the house, me asking her to go to counseling, me doing half the work around the house (rightfully) she filed for divorce. There are a lot of gotchas that I won’t bore you with except I asked her to hold off as we need a new roof and the insurance Co is playing hard Ball. There is 100k in equity that won’t be there if we are forced to sell as is. She constantly tries to blame me for any-every thing. Tho she has had 3 affairs starting 8-9 years ago. I found them on her iPad and cell phone which she then locked up from me. She took over 3000 and bought Coach stuff. For a while that was all she did. She’d get a purse on Monday and by Friday not like it and return it and usually add another 100 or so to get a more expensive one. Ugh. She plays this game with store credits. Her wallet has almost every store there is and I have no idea where she gets the returns. But she’s good at it. 
-anyway. She finally got an apartment. I spoke to my lawyer and he suggested I start to give her some pre alimony. So I came up with 2500 a month. Her apt is 1400. Utilities 100. No car payment just gas. Of course her hair and nails have to be done on a monthly basis. There’s food, tho she eats little (she’s tiny and eats snacks). I literally pay every thing else from tolls to insurance etc. lately I’ve had to help my daughters out to the tune of about 1500 a month. Over the past year or so I had to replace the central AC, Re plumb the house, get a new fridge and a new dryer. I also drained my savings having legal bills for one of my kids that were over 100,000 and had to support her over 18 months completely as she lived out of town at school and was hurt and couldn’t work. 

I’m no saint. But definitely believe in being faithful. I was in an industry that due to cell phones, started to dry up. Having to job hoop to make ends meet. As they were foreclosing on our house in 2003 or so I begged her to get a job. She refused. We short sold the house. Rented one for a year. I meanwhile found a awesome position I loved and made great money at. I had taken a real estate course a long long time ago (buying real estate with nothing down) and I saw a house by where we rented that was really nice. For sale by owner. He took my terms and two years later we moved in. I’m sorry this is so long but trying to provide highlights as I can offer some inside to the op but I could use some feed back. I don’t know if this is the correct way to discuss this so I apologize in advance. I expect to get better at the rules as time goes by. 
To wrap up, to the op, I have given this two out 3 years of thought. Went to counseling on my own. Talked to several life long friends that I consider family and listed to them. They know me. The ONE point most everyone has stated is that I was told I needed to look down the road. To stop looking at all the great memories and sad ones, and think of myself and my kids. Since one poster mentioned if you give her 2/3 she’ll spend it (my case as well) they suggested for me to fight to pay her as little as possible and let her find a job or focus and do her business correctly. She never let me know how much she makes. Though by seeing all the packages she would ship out I believe she was taking in 12-1500 a month. I set up “buckets” to save for the kids and a rainy day. She thinks that’s stupid. Until her bmw broke down and she needed 1500 to fix it. I handed her the card (like an idiot) for the auto repair act. She used it and said thanks. The point is after the divorce I can decide to set up buckets for weddings. Future expenses like medical or emergencies. My youngest is 20. Who knows if she’ll need to move back to Florida. Or if she needs help in some way. I like to be there for the kids. Hate debt. So my opinion is give her as little as possible. Save for your kids future. Yours. If you care for her (as I do mine) I was told it will force her to finally look at a budget. Her car will need tires in a year. 800$. Think she’ll plan? Sounds like your situation. I decided I can’t take the stress off her showing up with another dog (with no discussion) not potty training it. And then leaving it when she moved. I love the little critter so I’m working on a solution to teach her to go thru the dog door. Down the road I know she’ll call begging for money and I can either help her or tell her I just don’t have any. But I have the choice. And hopefully I get the roof fixed so I can replenish savings. Btw. It really posed her off but I had to open a private checking and have my monthly income go there so she couldn’t use it. She never, not once, in the 30 years has been willing to even look at our financials. I told her I make enough where we would be very comfortable. Have a housekeeper once a week. Travel for her business and I’d help. Plus we would both get a monthly amount to use for whatever we wanted. Plus a future that would offer security. Nope. So I have no choice. I just am not gonna let her spend all she wants without a thought. (She got another dog at her apartment) has no idea of the possible costs even as tho one we had got sick and it was 3k to get her better. Ugh. So at 60 I get to start life over looking. Not what I wanted to do. 
Best to you in your circumstances. If I’ve broken any rules here folks I’m sorry. I just literally started back and saw his post. It hit me hard. Thanks.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I think your a complete pushover and your directly responsible for the position you find yourself in. You enabled her behavior in marriage and now you plan to do the same in divorce. Some people never learn ....never as in EVER.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Down the road...a man who happily wants to still be a "provider" to his _ex wife_ is a man who will have great difficulty developing anything long term with a quality woman.


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## MissyCDFA (Oct 30, 2020)

Hi Tim, 

I can see that you're a very dependable person and judging by your username and the years of marriage, it is probably a good idea for you to provide support for her as it would be slightly difficult for her to get back into the rat race if she has not been in it, left it for a while or under-participate in it. 

I would probably would not immediately offer to give her 2/3 of your take home pay. What if something were to happen to you that you cannot work to provide the same pay as you have now? Where would that leave you and her? If that comes, it might be her problem but you shouldn't have to feel obligated keep on providing for her. 

If one of you were to move out, are you would both of you be able to deduct the rent from your disposable spending now? If not, is it really fair for you to keep only 1/3 of your take home pay? Or she keeps on shopping? Perhaps she should learn to curb some of her spending if you're going to make sacrifices as well.


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## jin (Sep 9, 2014)

It


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