# 9 month post Divorce and Bankruptcy



## nbk2tek (Sep 7, 2020)

Hello,

I am 9 months post-divorce, 10month post-bankruptcy, and in my first monogamous relationship for the last 9 months. I am here to here to gain a perspective outside of my own. I am struggling with my desire to get married so soon as well as being sure I am not settling again.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Where does the bankruptcy fit in?


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## nbk2tek (Sep 7, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Where does the bankruptcy fit in?


It was triggered by the divorce. Completed just prior to the decree. Just as life-changing and impactful.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Why the rush to get married again? How long were you married, and how old are you? Sometimes you may meet your next ideal partner quickly, but do you have the tools and perspective to evaluate if they are? What did you learn from your first marriage, and can you apply that to your dating choices? IMO, it may be better to date extensively for a while to get beyond the early (often mistaken) urge to become a couple.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It sounds as if you started dating before the marriage had ended, not a good idea in my view., but something that men especially do.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> It sounds as if you started dating before the marriage had ended, not a good idea in my view., but something that men especially do.


I think you are right in that men in particular can feel divorce as a personal failure and rush to move on. This can put undue pressure on themselves.
It can be perhaps that the OP sees the divorce as his failure and wants that over. The solution is not a new relationship, but forgiveness of himself.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mr The Other said:


> I think you are right in that men in particular can feel divorce as a personal failure and rush to move on. This can put undue pressure on themselves.
> It can be perhaps that the OP sees the divorce as his failure and wants that over. The solution is not a new relationship, but forgiveness of himself.


Not sure its the failure part, as several men I know whose wives even died jumped as quickly into new relationships and marriage.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Not sure its the failure part, as several men I know whose wives even died jumped as quickly into new relationships and marriage.


Interesting. Not something I have encountered.


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## nbk2tek (Sep 7, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> It sounds as if you started dating before the marriage had ended, not a good idea in my view., but something that men especially do.


I started dating during the marriage. I was stuck on the idea of what my marriage could have been and should have been. So I held on to it to both our detriment.


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## nbk2tek (Sep 7, 2020)

Married but Happy said:


> Why the rush to get married again? How long were you married, and how old are you? Sometimes you may meet your next ideal partner quickly, but do you have the tools and perspective to evaluate if they are? What did you learn from your first marriage, and can you apply that to your dating choices? IMO, it may be better to date extensively for a while to get beyond the early (often mistaken) urge to become a couple.


I am 40 now was married in 2004, started divorcing in 2013' separated officially in 2017, papers filed 2018, and divorce complete 2020. I learned to become more aware of the energy I am giving off and my family history. I discovered that I have a preference for a mate that my wife did not fit into. Over a course of 7 years, I began to accept responsibility for my cheating and bad behavior, with the intention of understanding why. I reconnected with my parents and learned more about myself and the history of dysfunction in my family line. The new awareness, constant soul searching, and desire to be more and have more led me to my new relationship. Monogamy and performance happened for me without effort. It sounds weird but before Jan 2020 I have not been able to be committed to one person for an extended amount of time. I do have concerns periodically, and believe it is due to being the emotional one in the relationship. Though we are both learning how to become more balanced in that regard.


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## nbk2tek (Sep 7, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Not sure its the failure part, as several men I know whose wives even died jumped as quickly into new relationships and marriage.


A person from the past noted that married men are domesticated and don't do well by themselves. That is why some men go to the next relationship quickly. This makes sense to me. At the time I did not believe it fully. Now I believe the statement has merit. To avoid having a repeat of the past relationship failure both men and women have to identify within themselves, the energy and that they are attracting as well presenting.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

nbk2tek said:


> Hello,
> 
> I am 9 months post-divorce, 10month post-bankruptcy, and in my first monogamous relationship for the last 9 months. I am here to here to gain a perspective outside of my own. I am struggling with my desire to get married so soon as well as being sure I am not settling again.


I'm curious as to what you feel you will get out of a marriage that you don't currently have in your relationship? Is it to make it feel like a legitimate relationship? Is it because your partner has expressed a desire to be married and you are doing it to make sure they don't leave?


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## nbk2tek (Sep 7, 2020)

For me, it will finalize our relationship. I will no longer consider any other choices or past concerns due to making a decision and sticking with it.


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