# Advice...Do you think it's wrong for wifes to go to club or to have a drink?



## izzy7 (Sep 8, 2011)

My husband thinks that it's not right for me to go to a club with friends or to have a drink after work or school. He doesn't allow it. He says he will leave me. I am 27 years old and have a son who is 3 and a stepson who is 6. I work part-time and go to school full-time and take care of kids and house. But sometimes I get stressed and would like to have a drink after work or school, maybe once a week. Or go out and dance with friends once and while. He thinks mothers and wifes shouldn't be doing that. I'm married not dead! I don't want to get drunk or cheat, I just need to get away for a minute. I thought when my kids are asleep would be no problem since they are asleep. He thinks dancing with friends or having a drink at night is for single people. What do you guys think?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Well first off, why not go out with your husband? If you just want to get out, find something you can do together.

But to answer your question, I think it is a bit controlling to expect you never to go out dancing with girl friends (I assume female friends), but it is a bit naive to think that your husband would not have some resistance to this idea.

Figure out what boundaries you need to set up that will give you what you need while still helping him feel secure in what you are doing. Compromise.

It's when you start thinking that you can go clubbing at will, by yourself, without regard to your H that it becomes a problem, at least to me.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

No problem if the kids are asleep and he stays home to monitor them while you party?

I'd have a big problem with that.

Get a sitter and go out with him.

If there's a reason why that's not "good enough", I suggest you go to therapy and get right with yourself.

Or is attention from other men more important than your marriage?



izzy7 said:


> My husband thinks that it's not right for me to go to a club with friends or to have a drink after work or school. He doesn't allow it. He says he will leave me. I am 27 years old and have a son who is 3 and a stepson who is 6. I work part-time and go to school full-time and take care of kids and house. But sometimes I get stressed and would like to have a drink after work or school, maybe once a week. Or go out and dance with friends once and while. He thinks mothers and wifes shouldn't be doing that. I'm married not dead! I don't want to get drunk or cheat, I just need to get away for a minute. I thought when my kids are asleep would be no problem since they are asleep. He thinks dancing with friends or having a drink at night is for single people. What do you guys think?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I would never have gone out alone clubbing/dancing/drinking while married. My husband and I used to sometimes do those things together. Why don't you and your husband go out together? Are these friends married or single? Are the places you go to known for being a "pick up" spot?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

What anyone else thinks about a wife clubbing is irrelevant. What your husband thinks about YOU doing it (his wife) is VERY relevant.

He doesn't like it. It's not about right or wrong... he has a problem with you doing it. Clubs are social spots for people (mainly single) to meet and have drinks, dance and have a good time. If you want girlfriend time, I'm sure you and your friends can manage to do that at home. Go to each others houses and hang out one Friday a month or whatever, but the clubbing/bar scene is a place where you will find trouble. Why add stress? 

It's not about how you would behave, I'm sure you are on your best behavior when you go out. It's about keeping peace at home. Find another way to destress.... go out with HIM to the club if you want to go dancing. What's wrong with that?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sounds like being with her husband cramps her style.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

You should be going out with your H, particularly if you are going to a dance club because, aside from "just dancing", that is where people go to pick up the opposite sex. When you go to a club you need to realize that men are watching you and figuring out how to have sex with you, many of them will even approach you and flirt. If your marriage is bad (e.g. you are feeling controlled and decide need to show your H that you can make your own choices) you are making yourself receptive to advances from other men, and so if you care about improving your M than you need to avoid that kind of temptation.

You are probably telling yourself right now that its just friends having fun, that there is no temptations, that we are crazy for suggesting its innappropriate, but why then are you even in a place that serves alcohol, has people looking for sex, has loud sexy music and people flirting and grinding all around you? It is fine to go out and have this kind of fun on an occasional basis but you MUST include your SO otherwise you are alienating the marriage. If your H says he doesn't want to go to a club, then send him to this website to read all the stories of guys who didn't take their wives on good dates then got cheated on and left.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why can't he go with you?

If you are habitually in bars with singles getting your crunk on in the club, um, yeah, it's not right when you're married.


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## Open4it (Sep 1, 2011)

izzy7 said:


> I'm married not dead!


You aren't single either.

My guess is that your husband isn't resentful that you want a bit of time away to destress it's the where & how of it that is his problem.
The suggestion of spending the time at each others' houses might be a good compromise for him.

Or unwind with hubby. Find activities to do together that let the both of you destress and at the same time strengthen your bonds.

If you haven't read the book "His Needs Her Needs" yet, in it he discusses that recreational time is one of the ways that people have their emotional needs met and for many men, it's very important to have their SOs be their significant recreational partner.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Can your husband goto a strip joint to unwind and have a cold beer? GNO to the bar/club is the same as a guy going to a strip joint from a males perspective.

If you want to go grab a drink, I'm pretty sure TGIF, Chiles, Red Lobster, Olive Garden all sell alcohol also. But it's not fun right?


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## rikithemonk (Jun 8, 2011)

Tricky question. 

The answer is yes you should be able to go out occasionally with friends to unwind. The issue of whats appropriate is in "how often", and "how late" you get back. Going out with the girls every weekend isn't appropriate. Its single behavior. Going to the club and returing at midnight is appropriate, while returning at 4 or 5 in the morning is not.

Going out once a month or so is closer to appropriate in my opinion. Neither you or your husband should be going to pick up joints on a regular basis without the other. 

Its as simple as that.


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## izzy7 (Sep 8, 2011)

We have tried to come to a compromise. I asked if he took me out once and a while to dance and maybe once in awhile I can go to a resturant to meet with friends for a drink and it didn't work. Everytime we go out dancing we fight. We sit and do nothing. He doesn't like to. Also I thought maybe I can sit home one night for him and he can have guys night like pool or somthing. I don't have to go to a club with friends I just want to be able to get out at night.


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## izzy7 (Sep 8, 2011)

Actually one of my close friends who I have known for years is a gay guy. The rest are friends. So I never go to regular clubs I go to gay clubs which I thought were better because no one bothers. I've asked him to come or to take me to dance. It's not his style. So then what?


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## izzy7 (Sep 8, 2011)

Oh, and the chilies or applebees thing is not ok either only if it's in the day time he says. Which when can I? I am at work and school all day then I rush home to clean, cook and take care of kids.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

izzy7 said:


> We have tried to come to a compromise. I asked if he took me out once and a while to dance and maybe once in awhile I can go to a resturant to meet with friends for a drink and it didn't work. Everytime we go out dancing we fight. We sit and do nothing. He doesn't like to. Also I thought maybe I can sit home one night for him and *he can have guys night like pool or somthing.* I don't have to go to a club with friends I just want to be able to get out at night.


What if HE wanted to go out clubbing? I think it's interesting you mention guys night consisting of pool or 'something' but not bar hopping with friends (which is what you're doing).

He may be against clubs all together. What did the two of you do when dating? If going to the club wasn't on the list I really don't see why you're having a problem with his stance right now. You're going to have to find another way to unwind with your friends.


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## Open4it (Sep 1, 2011)

Just for the record, I doubt going to gay clubs is going to be many hetero males "style" no matter how modern and accepting we've all become.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

izzy7 said:


> I'm married not dead!





Open4it said:


> You aren't single either.


:rofl:

Izzy--how old are you and your husband?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

He may just dislike being home with the kids. There are some guys like that out there... they don't want to be stuck 'babysitting'. 

The really bad part is they think of it as babysitting and it's their own children.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> What anyone else thinks about a wife clubbing is irrelevant. What your husband thinks about YOU doing it (his wife) is VERY relevant.
> 
> He doesn't like it. It's not about right or wrong... he has a problem with you doing it. Clubs are social spots for people (mainly single) to meet and have drinks, dance and have a good time. If you want girlfriend time, I'm sure you and your friends can manage to do that at home. Go to each others houses and hang out one Friday a month or whatever, but the clubbing/bar scene is a place where you will find trouble. Why add stress?
> 
> It's not about how you would behave, I'm sure you are on your best behavior when you go out. It's about keeping peace at home. Find another way to destress.... go out with HIM to the club if you want to go dancing. What's wrong with that?


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Going out with some girl friends sounds great. Going to clubs without your hubby ... not so much. You can go out to dinner with your friends and have some drinks. But the concern is really that it is not girl time but guy time. Guys are at the clubs. Many if not most men are there to hookup. Women love to "have a bit of fun", "blow some steam off", "get a little attention" ...

So I would suggest you do GNO stuff minus the men. A higher priority is your date nights with your husband.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> He may just dislike being home with the kids. There are some guys like that out there... they don't want to be stuck 'babysitting'.
> 
> The really bad part is they think of it as babysitting and it's their own children.


I was one of those guys... I called it "babysitting" but just said that to passively make her realize she was neglecting her home. I never felt that it wasn't my duty to take care of my own child. Anyways, with her gone out with her friends so much of the time, me tethered to the home with our child, it felt very much like I was a single dad raising both a toddler (my son) and supporting a teenage girl (my wife).

izzy, I too didn't like to go out dancing and partying with my wife, partly because it is out of my comfort zone, but mostly I put on a show to passively make her understand I thought she was going out too much, spending beyond her means, neglecting my needs etc. It is a very poor form of communication he is using, but he needs to realize if he doesn't change this approach he will lose you, his marriage and having his family together (which I would certainly bet are the most important things in the world to him whether it looks like that to you or not).


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

izzy7 said:


> Actually one of my close friends who I have known for years is a gay guy. The rest are friends. So I never go to regular clubs I go to gay clubs which I thought were better because no one bothers. I've asked him to come or to take me to dance. It's not his style. So then what?


No, the gay club thing has already been throughly discussed again and again. Single straight guys know this and gay clubs are not the answer. Some women sell the husband on this because frankly some husbands will believe anything.

Hubby needs to get with the program and learn how to dance and have a good time with you.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

izzy7 said:


> Actually one of my close friends who I have known for years is a gay guy. The rest are friends. So I never go to regular clubs I go to gay clubs which I thought were better because no one bothers. I've asked him to come or to take me to dance. It's not his style. So then what?


NM, it's gay bar so ok. Have fun, are the rumors true that gay guys can dance as good as straight black guys, sober that is.

Although you should still never drink too much. That's always the one big mistake girls make on GNO, getting drunk and waking up the next morning with a complete stranger.

For guys it's our main purpose at a club so waking up with a strange girl isn't too bad unless beer goggles was in full effect.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

izzy7 said:


> Actually one of my close friends who I have known for years is a gay guy. The rest are friends. So I never go to regular clubs I go to gay clubs which I thought were better because no one bothers. I've asked him to come or to take me to dance. It's not his style. So then what?


Gay clubs are a buffet for straight men. The gays figure they're straight pretty quickly and leave them alone. All that leaves are the really naughty girls who's husbands finally banished them from straight meat markets and are stupid enough to believe gay clubs are more innocent. All those studly gay men grinding like it's always spring break, getting them all worked up. Then Mr. sensitive straight man comes along...

You have to give some things up once you get married. I don't think my wife would want me going to meat markets and scamming on the chicks. Even if it is just to "unwind with the boys".


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Why can't he go with you?
> 
> If you are habitually in bars with singles getting your crunk on in the club, um, yeah, it's not right when you're married.


Crunk.

Hmm. I just found another cool synonym. Kind of like asshat. That one is cool too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## izzy7 (Sep 8, 2011)

I said pool or something because he doesn't like to dance. Before we starting dating he knew I loved to dance. When we were dating I we all the time. He would go with me and I would go. no problem. Then when we moved in he said he didn't like to go and he didn't want me to go. I do understand that it is not good for me to go to a club without him. But he doesn't want to go or we fight when we go. A drink with girls at night? why not?


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## izzy7 (Sep 8, 2011)

I am 27 and he is 28. I know we are not young or old. I also never get to hang around any friends. That's why I thought going to a club I get he doesn't like but having a night to have a drink (a drink) with some friends shouldn't be a problem. Where does trust go in a marriage?


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Because it could lead to something else, if your boundaries aren't clearly defined and adhered to. I mean, that's what it gets down to. You're out on the town without your husband and alcohol is involved. For some people, even the best or most innocent intentions can go astray.

It sounds like it makes him uncomfortable. Maybe you should ask him why it makes him uncomfortable, or how you can make it more comfortable for him so he can feel okay about you going out, and you can feel okay about having a drink with the girls. It doesn't have to be a you vs. him thing.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

izzy7 said:


> I said pool or something because he doesn't like to dance. Before we starting dating he knew I loved to dance. *When we were dating I we all the time. He would go with me and I would go. no problem. Then when we moved in he said he didn't like to go and he didn't want me to go.* I do understand that it is not good for me to go to a club without him. But he doesn't want to go or we fight when we go. A drink with girls at night? why not?


Bait and switch? that's not playing fair. He sounds so passive aggressive. 

A drink with girls at night can happen at home. Or at each others homes. Or at a restaurant/bar like the ones mentioned. The dancing thing? Well, he needs to compromise on that and go with you sometimes. To be happy in marriages sometimes it means doing things with your spouse you really don't like to do... because it makes THEM happy. He doesn't sound like he is willing to do that for you once in a while and that's unfortunate.


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## izzy7 (Sep 8, 2011)

Lon, so how did you guys resolve it? I know we don't have much money, we actually agreed at one point to have a certain amount and to go out once a month each on to come home at a certain time. But he said nevermind he doesn't want to do our arrangement anymore. I just need to have friends. Before him I had lots of friends went out and also when we were dating. I know marriage changes things. But everything?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

izzy7 said:


> Oh, and the chilies or applebees thing is not ok either only if it's in the day time he says. Which when can I? I am at work and school all day then I rush home to clean, cook and take care of kids.


This comes off as very controlling to me. I cannot see why going to dinner occasionally with female friends would be inappropriate for a married woman! What is his reasoning behind this?!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I don't know if it was asked before, but are these friends of yours also married?


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## izzy7 (Sep 8, 2011)

A bit much,

He doesn't want people at our house and he doesn't feel comfortable with me going to my gay friends house or my other girlfriends house either. I have never cheated. I've done and tried to reason with him. He says DAYTIME only. Which he says I think because he knows I never have time in daytime. It is very unfortunate


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## izzy7 (Sep 8, 2011)

swedish, He is very controlling and I don't know what to do about it. He said he doesn't like my friends which he hasn't meet all of them. I have never cheated. So then what? Idk. He says only I can go in DAYTIME. which I never can go in daytime and he knows that because of kids and work and school.


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## izzy7 (Sep 8, 2011)

A Bit Much, 

Some are not. Which I can see that is not good. That's why I thought chilies or something would be good. But because some friends are not married does that mean I can't see them? Where is trust in a marriage? For me I don't worry. If someone cheats on me they do. I can't do anything. It happens and you leave them. Period. I should have trust.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

izzy7 said:


> A bit much,
> 
> *He doesn't want people at our house and he doesn't feel comfortable with me going to my gay friends house or my other girlfriends house either.* I have never cheated. I've done and tried to reason with him. He says DAYTIME only. Which he says I think because he knows I never have time in daytime. It is very unfortunate


I'm sorry but your husband sounds like a giant douche canoe. He doesn't want you having any fun whatsoever, and I'm sorry but all work and no play makes izzy a dull girl.

You need to have a serious conversation with him about his ideologies and his need to have you tethered up after 5pm. You're not a child, you're not a slave, you're his wife. If he wants you to respect him he needs to really explain WHY he behaves the way he does when you leave the house for something other than work or school. It's not right.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

izzy7 said:


> A Bit Much,
> 
> Some are not. Which I can see that is not good. That's why I thought chilies or something would be good. But because some friends are not married does that mean I can't see them? Where is trust in a marriage? For me I don't worry. If someone cheats on me they do. I can't do anything. It happens and you leave them. Period. I should have trust.


Of course you can have single friends. I honestly don't think the issue is the marital status of your friends. The more you share here, it seems like your husband is quite controlling, selfish and/or possessive. He needs to explain himself... tell you what his true problem is.


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## MaryJane (Jun 23, 2011)

i dont see any problem with it. obviously he has trust issues. whether or not you caused them im unsure. im 26, have a 4 year old and a 7 month old, work and go to the gym 5 days a week. fit in housework, laundry, bedtime stories, cooking, juice boxes, diapers and YES I WANNA GO OUT WITH MY GIRLS!!! my girlfriends and i get dressed up in hot dresses and hott heels and go hit the town. my husband has no problem with it as he knows i love him and he trusts me. and he knows that i go purely to dance (with my girls!) and have a blast! have a few drinks, and hit the dance floor all night. i dont look at or engage with other guys. 


Conrad up top said "No problem if the kids are asleep and he stays home to monitor them while you party?I'd have a big problem with that." 
monitor them??!!!! are you kidding me!!! my husband would have no problem "monitoring" them since they are HIS KIDS! theyre freakin sleeping!!!!! hed say "bring me a burger on your way home" wow gimme a break!!

and with everyone saying go do something with your husband.... HELLO!!! she wants GIRL time!!! i LOVE my husband but sometimes i dont want to hang out with him! haha! it goes both ways im sure!

its really nice to be able to go out and not worry about whats goin on at home. i think thats all youre lookin for. GO HAVE YOUR GIRL TIME GIRL!!!!!!


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## Open4it (Sep 1, 2011)

MaryJane said:


> i dont look at or engage with other guys.


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

Hence the "hot dresses and hott heels".
Sorry, I call bs on that one.
But thanks for the laugh.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

izzy7 said:


> swedish, He is very controlling and I don't know what to do about it. He said he doesn't like my friends which he hasn't meet all of them. I have never cheated. So then what? Idk. He says only I can go in DAYTIME. which I never can go in daytime and he knows that because of kids and work and school.


Well, that's convenient...to give you an impossible option. 

I am surprised with him being so controlling and insecure about you going out without him, that you would even attempt to suggest a dance club and/or bar. 

You may want to scale back from that idea and just force the issue of going out to dinner with female friends. It will be much harder for him to argue that, especially when the daytime is booked and not a feasible option.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

MaryJane said:


> i dont see any problem with it. obviously he has trust issues. whether or not you caused them im unsure. im 26, have a 4 year old and a 7 month old, work and go to the gym 5 days a week. fit in housework, laundry, bedtime stories, cooking, juice boxes, diapers and YES I WANNA GO OUT WITH MY GIRLS!!! my girlfriends and i get dressed up in hot dresses and hott heels and go hit the town. my husband has no problem with it as he knows i love him and he trusts me. and he knows that i go purely to dance (with my girls!) and have a blast! have a few drinks, and hit the dance floor all night. i dont look at or engage with other guys.
> 
> 
> Conrad up top said "No problem if the kids are asleep and he stays home to monitor them while you party?I'd have a big problem with that."
> ...


These two scenarios are completely different.

She is not able to do what most consider to be a healthy GNO. Girls Night Out. As opposed to Girls Night Out where the Guys are without my husband.

I think she has reason to complain. He should take her out dancing. She should be able to go to her GFs houses and go out to dinner and number of normal marriage friendly type things. The only complication I could see is if a single GF is having a party with guys there then it really is not a GNO. That never came up so we will assume this is not the case.

But, I would have a problem with my wife going out dressed very hot with FM pumps on to a dance club. I just think this completely different from what she is talking about.

Good for you your hubby is ok with it. It comes down to a couple agreeing on boundaries.
Now if your hubby were a freind of mine I would smack him upside the head and say "WTF are you thinking dude!?" but that's just me.

So I find your old thread very pertinent here. You are seeking attention from other men because hubby is not showing it. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/27402-discouraged-seattle.html

So this thread makes me want to smack him even more. I guess HOTT with two Ts is double down hot.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

izzy7 said:


> Lon, so how did you guys resolve it? I know we don't have much money, we actually agreed at one point to have a certain amount and to go out once a month each on to come home at a certain time. But he said nevermind he doesn't want to do our arrangement anymore. I just need to have friends. Before him I had lots of friends went out and also when we were dating. I know marriage changes things. But everything?


Well it didn't resolve nicely, we are divorcing. The advice I was giving you was from personal experience of how not to let this go. A year ago I knew our marriage was far from perfect but I thought we were both committed. She was going out more and more with her friends after work, and after her dance classes. her GNO's (drinking and dancing) had become a weekly thing, and even though I didn't like it, and passively tried to control it, I even told her I needed her to be at home more, but she just said why all that is at home is work and no fun. I was worn down and even though we frequently made date nights they became something neither of us really felt was special (dinner and a movie every time)... life just seemed to bog us down, me more than her. I was a lot like how your husband sounds: depressed. However I could see how happy it made her to go out and so I bit my tongue, and let her go out alone with her girls, over and over.

It is only after she separated that I turned to this website and now realize just how unattractive I must have appeared to her. She lost hope that things could ever get better, even though I felt that I'd been making slow but steady progress, it felt like we were just growing. For her it was only a matter of time before these GNO's allowed her to give in when some creep spoke the lines she needed to hear to feel sexy again, and she totally gave in to it, started physical affection right there and with it she went fast into the fog and a whole new world of dating opened up for her (she just didn't think it was a great idea to let me know!)

You may not feel that there is any threat right now, but your actions are ripening you for it, just look at some of the threads talking about how fast an affair can start - A year ago I had complete trust and faith that my W would never stray, and I'm fairly certain she did too. She talked about her social life just as you are now, and I never bothered to "really" question that, I was content coasting along and thought that I was doing good in her eyes to let her pursue some excitement... ask yourself just how attractive you find your H when you are out having fun and he is by himself unhappy about things at home. Can you honestly say "that guy" on the dance floor who is laughing and getting other women's attention is not very attractive to you?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

swedish said:


> Well, that's convenient...to give you an impossible option.
> 
> I am surprised with him being so controlling and insecure about you going out without him, that you would even attempt to suggest a dance club and/or bar.
> 
> You may want to scale back from that idea and just force the issue of going out to dinner with female friends. It will be much harder for him to argue that, especially when the daytime is booked and not a feasible option.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Great advice. He may be all fixated on the bar and the drinking.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Entropy,

She is seeking attention from other men because she desires it.

Strange how the same inadequate hubby from the other thread (nice catch) now is "virtuous" hubby in this thread.




Entropy3000 said:


> These two scenarios are completely different.
> 
> She is not able to do what most consider to be a healthy GNO. Girls Night Out. As opposed to Girls Night Out where the Guys are without my husband.
> 
> ...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It really doesn't matter what we think. Your husband has enough of a problem with it that he's apparently ready to end the marriage over it. Would you be happiest being "right" but as a single parent with two kids? If something seriously distresses your husband, it should distress you,too. Likewise, if something causes you pain, it's his business to correct it if he can. Doesn't matter if either of you agree with the other. If his distress isn't important to you, then he isn't important to you. Marriages don't last 50+ years because both parties always agree but because both parties put the marriage and family before their own selfish concerns. There are either two winners or two losers. It's pointless to try to figure out who's right or wrong.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Lon said:


> Well it didn't resolve nicely, we are divorcing.


Great post Lon. I was on a similar thread where a guy was talking about how many of his wife's old clubbing crowd are now divorced. All but one. His wife included. My wife and her wingwoman were just 2, and the wingwoman is divorced. The only reason my wife isn't is because I'm a p.u.s.s.y.



Lon said:


> ... ask yourself just how attractive you find your H when you are out having fun and he is by himself unhappy about things at home. Can you honestly say "that guy" on the dance floor who is laughing and getting other women's attention is not very attractive to you?


Izzy, you may not see it as a bad thing. Sure you have fun with the boys. But you still love your husband. But this is what FUN is. He's some pathetic old scrooge that farts in bed, b.i.t.c.h.e.s when you spend money and can't handle your new found freedom. And it does WONDERS to the ego that this guy at the club wants you so much... But you're married, you flash the ring so everything's OK. Am I close?

My wife screwed up early, then couldn't fake it that it was just fun nights out dancing any more. I didn't have to stop her. Game over. Probably saved my marriage (for what it's worth).


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

MrK, I wasn't trying to insinuate that it is anywhere near that point for her, nor that it will necessarily go there. I also am not trying to project the failure of my marriage onto her situation. I am just simply trying to demonstrate that she could so easily put her relationship on a steep downslope, despite the seemingly innocent act of having fun with friends - it isn't the fun part, or the friends, it's those elements at play in the form of entertainment which she is seeking. In my case, there were similar problems in the marriage as the OP's, and part of my stbxw's answer was going out in this very same way... at the time I couldn't even fathom that it was leading to the breakup of my marriage and now in hindsight it is so clearly obvious how much this played in our alienation of each others needs.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

I'm sorry I think some people on here are overeacting and not listening to what she is saying. I don't see nothing wrong with her going out once in awhile as long as it's not habit forming and he knows where she is at. lLfe happens she is stressed out and needs a little ME time, without her husband she sounds like she loves him but also needs space and I'm blessed because my husband doesn't mind because he trusts me and knows that once in awhile I want to LIVE A LIFE. Just because you get married doesn't mean you have to sit there throw the lock and key and do EVERYTHING with your spouse some can some don't no one is perfect. The crazy thing is I have seen numerous times of men on here that go to a sport's bar go to a club maybe even a strip club and there is no lynch mob, but if a woman says she wants to go out everyone once in awhile OHH my she is a bad person and btw why do we always have to assume to the worst? I'm so sick of tired of reading repsonses and the same answer to everything is oh she's cheating, or hes cheating or he is about to cheat etc etc etc. Hell if marriage is about people not being able to have casual fun and remain respectable without people being judgemental and pointing fingers then marriage is no fun that is the truth.

I'm about your age so I know how it can be sometimes you can be the first one to get married in a group and it is hard to find that transition to hang out with your gf's being a mommy, and having a husband. The diffrence between you and me is my husband trusts me he is not worried about me, now you can't control what others may do but you can control yourself. I don't think your husband trusts you or else why the heavy ultimatum? Like seriously a person shouldnt't threatened someone like that unless they actually did something sheesh. I'm sorry but I think he has a short leash on you and that is not cool. I can understand if you were trying to go out like everynight or most of the week all you want is some me time I get it. Was he like this before you got married? If so then he won't change, If not then what changed? Marriage shouldn't be about demands it is about compromise, you think maybe you guys can come to a compromise or is he dead set on just saying no. If he is dead set on saying no the the deep seated issue lies with mistrust and some I sense a little bit insecure. I hope everything works out for you and you guys come to an understanding that fits the both of you.  Good luck


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Izzy, would he have ANY reason not to trust you from something in the past?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Sports bars, and even strip clubs, are not filled with a majority of patrons looking to get laid. The INTENT of going to a nightclub, for a MAJORITY of the people there, is specifically to seek out and party with members of the opposite sex. People are looking to, and have every reason to believe they will hook up for sex. And probably more importantly, they are filled with people who had no intention to "do anything", but something happened. It is an environment filled with loud music, alcohol and sensual stimulation. Throw in a handful of predators... 

I'd just prefer my wife not go there.


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

Looks like some people are missing the point. On the start of the thread, OP said that she wants to go out and drink every week. There is no once in a while in that. That's where her husband has a problem. OP said she's never cheated, but does she ever lie to her husband and get caught? If she never lie even once to her husband, then a faithful wife can do whatever she wants. But if she does, then her husband has a reason not to trust her.

You can go out and have fun hundreds of times, but it only take one. 1 one-night stand or something like that, and the marriage is over.

My wife is the same way, she wants to go out with her friends to bars and clubs every week. At first I wasn't ok with it, but after we had a talk. She agrees to be transparent with me and tells me everything in detail of what's going on with her life and what she was doing at the club. I'm not completely comfortable, but I'm willing to compromise. She's still doing it now, but after a guy groped her at a club, she doesn't want to go to club anymore. This is what your husband afraid of.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

No, my wife won`t be going out drinking & dancing to meat markets on a weekly basis with her "girlfriends".

Thankfully she has no interest in doing so.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I think that going out every week is excessive for spouses, doesn't matter if they're male or female. 

I got married to stay out of clubs and bars. If I wanted to party every week with my girls, I wouldn't have gotten married and had kids. I have fun, I'm not dead and neither is my husband, but we find other ways to de-stress. I have GNO maybe once a month and that's plenty.

In everything there should be a balance. The hard part (sometimes) is finding that balance.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

MrK said:


> Sports bars, and even strip clubs, are not filled with a majority of patrons looking to get laid. The INTENT of going to a nightclub, for a MAJORITY of the people there, is specifically to seek out and party with members of the opposite sex. People are looking to, and have every reason to believe they will hook up for sex. And probably more importantly, they are filled with people who had no intention to "do anything", but something happened. It is an environment filled with loud music, alcohol and sensual stimulation. Throw in a handful of predators...
> 
> I'd just prefer my wife not go there.


He doesn't want her going to an Applebee's alone so clearly it isn't the venue and yes, plenty can go out dancing without shucking their morals and falling in to bed with some random guy.
Also if strip clubs aren't about getting laid, then explain the champagne rooms. As always though, you support men going out and women being locked away. At least you are consistant.


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> He doesn't want her going to an Applebee's alone so clearly it isn't the venue and yes, plenty can go out dancing without shucking their morals and falling in to bed with some random guy.
> Also if strip clubs aren't about getting laid, then explain the champagne rooms. As always though, you support men going out and women being locked away. At least you are consistant.


When a good looking woman goes out anywhere alone, 90% of the time she gets hit on. When men go out, 90% of the time they don't get hit on. 

Both men and women have morals and can control their immoral desire. But it's not women that need to be moral, it's the guys that hit on her. How far are they going to go? Can a woman fight off so many guys? Men don't have to worry about keeping other women away, because women don't usually come to them.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> He doesn't want her going to an Applebee's alone so clearly it isn't the venue and yes, plenty can go out dancing without shucking their morals and falling in to bed with some random guy.
> Also if strip clubs aren't about getting laid, then explain the champagne rooms. As always though, you support men going out and women being locked away. At least you are consistant.


You ever see that Chris Rock rap video? "Gentlemen, there is no sex in the Champagne room". But I'll give you that. The RARE strip club that offers sex in the back room is a no-no.

And you want to talk about consistent? Men have less of a right to go to nightclubs than women do. Girls can use the excuse that they go to dance and they can't help it if men hit on them. Men do most of the hitting. If a guy is going to dance clubs with his guy pals, they are DEFINITELY looking for action. There is no other reason to go. What's not consistent here is that they don't even have an excuse to even make it SEEM legit.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

MrK said:


> You ever see that Chris Rock rap video? "Gentlemen, there is no sex in the Champagne room". But I'll give you that. The RARE strip club that offers sex in the back room is a no-no.
> 
> And you want to talk about consistent? Men have less of a right to go to nightclubs than women do. Girls can use the excuse that they go to dance and they can't help it if men hit on them. Men do most of the hitting. If a guy is going to dance clubs with his guy pals, they are DEFINITELY looking for action. There is no other reason to go. What's not consistent here is that they don't even have an excuse to even make it SEEM legit.


I wasn't talking about men going to dance clubs, I was talking about men going to strip clubs/"out with the guys" and you thinking that's fine but a woman going out with girls is somehow wrong.
Also, the champagne room is where the clubs make most of their money....and they aren't playing chess.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

scione said:


> Can a woman fight off so many guys? Men don't have to worry about keeping other women away, because women don't usually come to them.


It's pretty simple "no thank you, I am married" and walk away. There is this notion that women are somehow feeble minded in this area and unable to resist. Everybody has choices. Period.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

MrK said:


> Sports bars, and even strip clubs, are not filled with a majority of patrons looking to get laid. The INTENT of going to a nightclub, for a MAJORITY of the people there, is specifically to seek out and party with members of the opposite sex. People are looking to, and have every reason to believe they will hook up for sex. And probably more importantly, they are filled with people who had no intention to "do anything", but something happened. It is an environment filled with loud music, alcohol and sensual stimulation. Throw in a handful of predators...
> 
> I'd just prefer my wife not go there.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

This is all very true.

As it has been mentioned I suggest she back off the push for bar hopping and clubbing without her husband and focus on more marriage friendly outings.

The normal GNO with Girls and no guys where they go to a restaurant like Chile or where ever seems reasonable to most of us.

It does make us wonder why he has taken a hard stand on this. 

Without further information this does seem unreasonable. I get the bar and clubbing issue. I would be the same way.
Maybe he perceives a drinking problem. Idunno.

Maybe he is not trusting of her friends.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

No sense in arguing this anymore. Just lock up your women since they are so weak and vulnerable. Okay then.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

The problem with going to the clubs on a REGULAR basis is that the first time the married woman has no problem saying "no thanks, I'm married". Undoubtedly this will happen repeatedly, and I'm sure that kind of attention is a great moral booster - except I thought the point of GNO was just to have fun with the girls, not to get attention from the men, but she IS getting that attention because she chooses to go to a place that she knows she will get that attention.

So after awhile, it is normal that these men are openly hitting and since she knows she can say no there is no reason to feel they are a threat. Next the girls are dancing in a group by themselvess on the floor and a man comes up and gets in the middle, all the single girls think its funny, maybe one of them likes this guy and maybe the guy's wingman joins in too, and so now the married woman is dancing in a group of men and women of which some are looking for sex. Not long and this becomes normalized, the married woman says well "I'm not the one leading this so its ok" suddenly now she can look but not touch, until that gets normalized and so on. How long before the married woman says look how much fun my idiot husband is missing out on, these guys know how to have fun.

It's not like a happily married woman walks into a bar and is instantly transformed to a ****, its about the choices she makes and the habits she is forming that are replacing the bond she has with her H with the attention she is getting and giving with these single friends and the lifestyle they live, including predators who through natural "club scene" selection are experts at slowly breaking down barriers and chipping away... if there is a unfulfilled woman they will inevitably get to her so long as she chooses to be in their presence.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

What entropy just wrote above me isn't that much over the top, because it somewhat pains me to read it, it wasn't that overt in my case but that is basically what happened with my relationship... same order, a lot of the same details, it was all innocent at the time until suddenly my W realized that it was the life she "actually" wanted and simply cast me aside (I still find it unbelievable, and the "fog" is the only thing I've been able to rationalize or explain it).


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> No sense in arguing this anymore. Just lock up your women since they are so weak and vulnerable. Okay then.


Quick question to you then.

When you go out to a night club for GNO

1) Do you wear a very sexy outfit to make yourself feel and look good?

2) Do you have to put makeup and do your hair so that you look and feel sexy?

3) Do guys hitting on you make you feel special and gives you a little high knowing that you still have the looks to attract guys to you?

4) Do you feel horny when you come home either buzzed or drunk but don't want to touch your husband or do you attack your husband right away fantasizing about some hunk you saw there (BTW I don't see this as a bad thing, lol)?

5) Do you ever think even once, damn if I wasn't married I would have that guys head buried between my legs?

If you said yes, then you're not out to relax and blow off stress. You're there to make yourself feel good about yourself for the attention you need from other men besides your husband.

BTW, for guys going to the strip club, that's not blowing off steam either, that's to get pleasure from looking at naked ladies. Guys night out is a sports bar, drinking with the buddies, complaining about their wives and then going home lol.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

cheatinghubby said:


> Quick question to you then.
> 
> When you go out to a night club for GNO
> 
> ...


Your name is Cheating Hubby and you are questioning ME about my motives? Wow and :rofl:

I said it was pointless for me to further discuss this.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> No sense in arguing this anymore. Just lock up your women since they are so weak and vulnerable. Okay then.


:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Just part and parcel of these boards... some men do and will maintain an archaic way of thinking. If that be their stance... it is what it is!

If she enjoys this activity... then by all means partake in it! If her H has issues with it, of course, address his feeling, and come to an understand and work through it. But by no means should she should give up something she enjoys just for the fact her H is uncomfortable with it without question.

Just because I am married, I will not change the way I dress, into a dowdy frumpy sexless lump, to appease my H's insecurities. This has to be worked through by both us. I will dress for work in a very professional, sharp looking, stylish manner that does include 4" heels, a form fitting pencil skirt just above the knee and a very sweet blouse or sweater... all chosen to fit me well and be comfortable. When I feel good about the way I look, I work better. It puts me in a very strong and positive mood. I DO NOT dress this way just for the purpose to be fly paper for the OS... I could give a flying f$%k what they are thinking... I know I am married, I proudly wear my ring, and I know and enforce my boundaries!! 

When I go out, (be it for coctails, or a llive music venue, etc...my clubbing days are long gone) I would dress the same way be it with or without my H. If the plan was to meet up with my friends, be them women or men, 25yrs old or 72 yrs old... I am there to enjoy their friendship and activity. (My H knows most of my friends) I do not dress or go out with the mind set, "oh I wanna look extra hot cuz I want my young single male friend to bang me" SHEESH!

And on the flip side.. if H wants to do the same... be with his friends, with or without me... I have no problem with that because I have faith and trust him. 

We are constantly surrounded by these " so called potential deemed temptations"... it is the trust and faith of the spouse, and the marriage, that is key. If a spouse starts having weak thoughts, it is up to him or her to recognize that and remove themselves from the situation... not by the demands of the other spouse. 

So.. just a thought..

So for women... would you object and deny your H from going to a bachelor party just because it may or may not have strippers there??

And men... would you object if your W from taking an community art class with nude models, both male and female?

In both cases, neither spouse would be invited to attend.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Rose, in case you are referring at all to my position on this, my thinking here is definitely not archaic, it's about putting the marriage first. Not long ago I'd have completely backed up your comment, that if you don't have trust in your spouse your really will have all kinds of insecurities and anxiety. It's one thing to have trust, its a different thing altogether to let your spouse partake alone or with other men in an activity that is intended as a sexual outlet and sexual meeting ground. I still have no qualms about a "girls" night out as long as it isn't to frequent and is just that - "girls". Live music is great, ****tails is ok depending on the venue and people involved, if a woman wants to have some time by herself or with her friends that is healthy. Going to nightclubs on a weekly basis without her spouse in not appropriate, for awhile my W had me convinced it was just about "dancing", looking back any man who buys that argument from his W has been duped.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

Lon said:


> Rose, in case you are referring at all to my position on this, my thinking here is definitely not archaic, it's about putting the marriage first. Not long ago I'd have completely backed up your comment, that if you don't have trust in your spouse your really will have all kinds of insecurities and anxiety. It's one thing to have trust, its a different thing altogether to let your spouse partake alone or with other men in an activity that is intended as a sexual outlet and sexual meeting ground. I still have no qualms about a "girls" night out as long as it isn't to frequent and is just that - "girls". Live music is great, ****tails is ok depending on the venue and people involved, if a woman wants to have some time by herself or with her friends that is healthy. Going to nightclubs on a weekly basis without her spouse in not appropriate, for awhile my W had me convinced it was just about "dancing", looking back any man who buys that argument from his W has been duped.


LON.. i wasn't directly referring to you specifically.. yours and other posters have stated similar comments.

I understand that you are speaking from your own personal experiences.. and of course your frame of reference is going to be understandably biased. However, just because your wife did something in the name of "dancing" doesn't mean all wives are going to be the same. We have to be careful upon using examples based upon on specific incident. ( and I mean this to be for both men and women) This whole board and forum is going to be biased to some effect. The point I was trying to make, was no matter the location, the gender composition of the group, the dress, the whatever... it is the individuals core strengths and values that will determine the outcome... no other human has the right to dicate his/her beliefs to another. That a W respect his H to be compassionate, and caring, to understand his problem with the issue and work through it... but have H to respect W, that she knows what she is doing, is strong... and if she has a moment of weakness... she will resist...

Have I been goosed or felt up, chatted up by some disrespecting poor excuse of a man ... yes... and it is immediately followed up with a smart slap across his face (iwhich of course, may leave a mark.. and I smirk since I am a leftie, my ring is on that hand, and its a good chunk of metal!) and if it a verbal chatting up.. where it is easy to figure out where its leading too... he will receive my verbal "knee to the nads" in my sweet, charming, eloquent, calm manner... that it takes them a second or 10 to figure out what I am saying as the words and tones do not match at all! I know how to protect myself physically, of course, and I am always smart about being aware of the surroundings in potentially dangerous areas... 

Please ladies and gentlemen... I know the crux of this board is based upon marriage issues, disasters and emotions flying all over the place... but we should try to keep some semblance of rational reasonable perspective.. And this is with the pretense that all postings are honest and in truth. 

blessings to all!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

RoseRed said:


> LON.. i wasn't directly referring to you specifically.. yours and other posters have stated similar comments.
> 
> I understand that you are speaking from your own personal experiences.. and of course your frame of reference is going to be understandably biased. However, just because your wife did something in the name of "dancing" doesn't mean all wives are going to be the same. We have to be careful upon using examples based upon on specific incident. ( and I mean this to be for both men and women) This whole board and forum is going to be biased to some effect. The point I was trying to make, was no matter the location, the gender composition of the group, the dress, the whatever... it is the individuals core strengths and values that will determine the outcome... no other human has the right to dicate his/her beliefs to another. That a W respect his H to be compassionate, and caring, to understand his problem with the issue and work through it... but have H to respect W, that she knows what she is doing, is strong... and if she has a moment of weakness... she will resist...
> 
> ...


I am not willing to have my wife goosed up and for her to have to slap anyone. My wife should not be frequenting places where goosing up is going on. I don't belong there either. 

It is unacceptable to me for my wife to be meeting up with friends of the oppposite sex that are not just part of a group. I don't do that either.

I expect my wife to dress sexier when she is out with me. If I had a problem with the way my wife dressed for work or wherever we would agree to some boundaries around it. If she refused then that would be a deal breaker for me.

I am also not willing to be separated. It would be all in or all out.

I am on this forum to learn. Much of what I have learned here has helped me in my own marriage. I followed Athol's blog and he referenced this site. No marriage is perfect.

Dismissing things we don't agree with as archaic is condescending at the very least. I have seen archaic used most often from a woman's liberation perspective. That anything that does not fit that agenda is therefore archaic. Is this your stance? It is fine if that is where you are coming from. It is what it is. Just tyring to be clear. If I am incorrect please set me straight.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Rose I disagree. I know that what my W did doesn't determine what someone else will do. My experiences may bias me, but I'm deliberately not using that bias to color my opinion. What my experience has done is reveal to the patterns and similarities that were happening with neither of us being aware of them.

How we choose to spend our time and devote our energy influences our emotions directly and also indirectly influences our values. I personally never felt threatened that my wife went out to drink and dance because I had utmost trust that she would never let the threat pervade her committment to our marriage. That lasted for a long time, until it finally didn't, and now I realize how naive I was to not recognize that threat was real. It's not that my W was weak-willed or of low moral character otherwise I would never have fell in love with her and married her. It's that we allowed her be exposed to that environment long enough to not take the threat seriously, as well as slowly normalizing it and also gradually shifting her values and passions until she was ready to cross that line.

Most guys here are intuitive enough to realize what nightclubs are really for, at least from our perspective. We don't particularly like when our W's go to these places alone, but that's not what my comment is about, because we generally trust them and will "permit" them to go from time to time. However don't be naive enough to be fooled into thinking it is healthy for a marriage, if there are issues of marital discontent, as the OP has expressed, this lifestyle will quickly eat into whatever trust and devotion they have. If a spouse doesn't put their foot down on this kind of lifestyle the marriage is already on a path to devastation.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Sure glad my wife has none of these desires. If my wife wanted to go to a resteraunt and have a drink with girlfriends here and again, great. Weekly seems much as we barely have time to do that ourselves.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> I am not willing to have my wife goosed up and for her to have to slap anyone. My wife should not be frequenting places where goosing up is going on. I don't belong there either.
> 
> It is unacceptable to me for my wife to be meeting up with friends of the oppposite sex that are not just part of a group. I don't do that either.
> 
> ...



Our agenda... to promote equality for no matter the gender. That women have the absolute same potential as men in all realms be it in the workplace, family and social life. That we do have the same capability to be of strong character, deep in morals and values independant of man. That we share the same privelege of movement, activity and safety.

Hmm... makes me think.. what would you do if a rude pathetic girl goosed you?? LOL! Would you not be offended? Why do you think I wouldn't be? One instant in my case was not at a social gathering, but at the workplace. It is not the when, where, or why of the place but purely the actions of another being. Would you insist that I quit my job because of this isolated event??? Have you no faith that I can handle this situation on my own??

Sad to think you have a black and white view on life...
that you neither have faith in womankind to be strong, independant, righteous and whole in heart mind and soul... nor the the faith that mankind can be same. You paranoia of 'men' as purely predators, sexual or otherwise, is disheartening. That for you deem earth has a vast majority of rotten man apples in the basket. I do not believe so.. I have a great faith in mankind... however I am prepared for the rare bad apple. 

No man can be a womans ultimate 'protector' or 'saviour'... that's an arrogant archaic (see I used that word again) mode of thinking. The notion of knight in white armour is high romantized it is unrealistic and thankfully fading quickly. What I look for in a modern man is one that is confident in himself, who he is and what he wants to share in a relationship, and to understand that I am his equal to walk the same path, that my uniqueness as woman is not a threat to his being... but a compliment to it. That I am enpowered to my own destiny, have confidence in my own abilities and that I wish to share equally with him.

You and your wife have AGREED to what you do in these situations. Congrats to you both.. may you live happy long lives... but in this thread.. THIS IS NOT THE CASE!

oh my Entropy... we've had this discussion many times before.. and it is going to be endless.. so I agree to disagree...


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

RoseRed said:


> No man can be a womans ultimate 'protector' or 'saviour'... that's an arrogant archaic (see I used that word again) mode of thinking. The notion of knight in white armour is high romantized it is unrealistic and thankfully fading quickly. What I look for in a modern man is one that is confident in himself, who he is and what he wants to share in a relationship, and to understand that I am his equal to walk the same path, that my uniqueness as woman is not a threat to his being... but a compliment to it. That I am enpowered to my own destiny, have confidence in my own abilities and that I wish to share equally with him...


Being fired upon all night "Star Wars" style, my defense shields weakened, engine lights sounding "warning" and my fuel line leaking, I am just one slick Armenian away from tossing my panties in the trash and letting him ravage me in a stall in the Men's bathroom. Yes I am that weak and I need the pit crew to come and save me.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

RoseRed said:


> Our agenda... to promote equality for no matter the gender. That women have the absolute same potential as men in all realms be it in the workplace, family and social life. That we do have the same capability to be of strong character, deep in morals and values independant of man. That we share the same privelege of movement, activity and safety.
> 
> Hmm... makes me think.. what would you do if a rude pathetic girl goosed you?? LOL! Would you not be offended? Why do you think I wouldn't be? One instant in my case was not at a social gathering, but at the workplace. It is not the when, where, or why of the place but purely the actions of another being. Would you insist that I quit my job because of this isolated event??? Have you no faith that I can handle this situation on my own??
> 
> ...


Again, it is best not to be where you might be goosed. We have to take care of our partners. If that makes us protectors then so be it. I am not afraid. Though some must surely be. It is disrespectful to your husband to put yourself in such a situation.

We are talking about being respectful to our partners. You keep turning it into being protected by a man. That is your projection and not mine. You seem to equate a man wanting respect from his wife, to him wanting to protect you. Husbands do not want thier wives in emotional relationships with other men. They do not want them being physically handled by other men. They do not want their wives to be drinking with other men and putting themselves out there for the attention they can get from other men. It is seen as unfaithful in and of itself.

What part of this is not clear? You seem to be hungup on men being your savior. I honestly do not know what that is about. But of you say you are for equality then wonderful. Let both husband and wife respect each other.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I don't know your marriage. My wife and I are like soulmates, but after her dance class it's women only she goes out for coffee or a beer with some of the girls. Class is over at 9:30 she normally comes home around 11:30-12:00am.

It's not every Tuesday more like every other Tuesday. I haven't read all the replies, but I'm 110% fine with that.

Your instince is going to clubs you sound younger what are you 22 ish?

We are mid 30's so clubbing nah........that's why she goes to dance class to get her fix in a fun female enviroment. I would have a issue if the wife wanted to start going to clubs once a week.....probably because it would be so out of character more than anything else.

Good luck!!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Being fired upon all night "Star Wars" style, my defense shields weakened, engine lights sounding "warning" and my fuel line leaking, I am just one slick Armenian away from tossing my panties in the trash and letting him ravage me in a stall in the Men's bathroom. Yes I am that weak and I need the pit crew to come and save me.


This is just way too freudian. You left out the light saber.

Whether you need saving or not is not the issue. It is the need for many woman to have that attention with the enemy at the gates. Yes I know only one in a million women would risk their vows to show such interest. 

It is a woman's right to have the hoards descend upon her and grind , I mean bash against her gates, repeatedly, deeply and urgently ... 

Only an insecure controlling archaic husband would protest. He needs to accept that his wife is a sexual being and has the right of the fitest male whenever she desires it. She needs him not to protect her. She needs no shining knight or bishop or rook. Only a pawn to stay at home in his place with her children.

----

Anyway, the OP should focus on getting out with the girls in a marriage friendly way. If her husband still objects she should divorce him becuase he is a douche. I also realize you are not defending those women who go out and debauche ( archaic tense ) themselves as I will not defend the men who live likewise.

Lucky Man I miss these days ... when men where men and had ladies by the score all dressed in satin ...


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## librarydragon (Aug 20, 2011)

izzy7 said:


> My husband thinks that it's not right for me to go to a club with friends or to have a drink after work or school. He doesn't allow it. He says he will leave me. I am 27 years old and have a son who is 3 and a stepson who is 6. I work part-time and go to school full-time and take care of kids and house. But sometimes I get stressed and would like to have a drink after work or school, maybe once a week. Or go out and dance with friends once and while. He thinks mothers and wifes shouldn't be doing that. I'm married not dead! I don't want to get drunk or cheat, I just need to get away for a minute. I thought when my kids are asleep would be no problem since they are asleep. He thinks dancing with friends or having a drink at night is for single people. What do you guys think?


Mothers and wives should be going out and having fun...with their husbands. Your party girl behavior is offensive, not to mention destructive to your marriage. Your husband has every right to take issue with your weekly girls night.

Find something to do together. Take dance lessons if you want to dance. Learn to golf. Go to the bookstore and have a coffee together. 

If my husband behaved in a similar way, it would be the end of our marriage, too.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

Lon said:


> It's that we allowed her be exposed to that environment long enough to not take the threat seriously, as well as slowly normalizing it and also gradually shifting her values and passions until she was ready to cross that line.
> 
> QUOTE]
> 
> ...


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Being fired upon all night "Star Wars" style, my defense shields weakened, engine lights sounding "warning" and my fuel line leaking, I am just one slick Armenian away from tossing my panties in the trash and letting him ravage me in a stall in the Men's bathroom. Yes I am that weak and I need the pit crew to come and save me.


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

You are a riot!! Thanks for the laugh!


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Husbands do not want thier wives in emotional relationships with other men. They do not want them being physically handled by other men. They do not want their wives to be drinking with other men and putting themselves out there for the attention they can get from other men. It is seen as unfaithful in and of itself.
> 
> .


UGH! 

Get over yourself...

I'm with you BrightEyes...


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## izzy7 (Sep 8, 2011)

Locard said:


> Izzy, would he have ANY reason not to trust you from something in the past?


no reason. I have never cheated. He did trust me when we were dating, but then marriage came and he doesnt. He hears from work about a guy who got cheated on and he sayss he wont be stupid like that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## izzy7 (Sep 8, 2011)

krismimo said:


> I'm sorry I think some people on here are overeacting and not listening to what she is saying. I don't see nothing wrong with her going out once in awhile as long as it's not habit forming and he knows where she is at. lLfe happens she is stressed out and needs a little ME time, without her husband she sounds like she loves him but also needs space and I'm blessed because my husband doesn't mind because he trusts me and knows that once in awhile I want to LIVE A LIFE. Just because you get married doesn't mean you have to sit there throw the lock and key and do EVERYTHING with your spouse some can some don't no one is perfect. The crazy thing is I have seen numerous times of men on here that go to a sport's bar go to a club maybe even a strip club and there is no lynch mob, but if a woman says she wants to go out everyone once in awhile OHH my she is a bad person and btw why do we always have to assume to the worst? I'm so sick of tired of reading repsonses and the same answer to everything is oh she's cheating, or hes cheating or he is about to cheat etc etc etc. Hell if marriage is about people not being able to have casual fun and remain respectable without people being judgemental and pointing fingers then marriage is no fun that is the truth.
> 
> I'm about your age so I know how it can be sometimes you can be the first one to get married in a group and it is hard to find that transition to hang out with your gf's being a mommy, and having a husband. The diffrence between you and me is my husband trusts me he is not worried about me, now you can't control what others may do but you can control yourself. I don't think your husband trusts you or else why the heavy ultimatum? Like seriously a person shouldnt't threatened someone like that unless they actually did something sheesh. I'm sorry but I think he has a short leash on you and that is not cool. I can understand if you were trying to go out like everynight or most of the week all you want is some me time I get it. Was he like this before you got married? If so then he won't change, If not then what changed? Marriage shouldn't be about demands it is about compromise, you think maybe you guys can come to a compromise or is he dead set on just saying no. If he is dead set on saying no the the deep seated issue lies with mistrust and some I sense a little bit insecure. I hope everything works out for you and you guys come to an understanding that fits the both of you.  Good luck


Thank u! I am not trying to do anything but get out and dance with the girls for a min. getting attention frm any1 else is the last thing I need or want!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

RoseRed said:


> ...I am truly sorry for your experience....
> 
> My point is that it is YOUR PERCEIVED THREAT... and hence you are enforcing your perception on another because of your fear...


No, you are missing what I am saying... it is not a "perceived" threat, it is an actual real threat but I never perceived it until after it ran its course. There never was any fear, not then and not now, it simply happened when I wasn't expecting it. You need not be sorry for my experience because it was very educational and useful to me - sure I would much preferred to have recognized this threat sooner and under different circumstances, but its in the past.

I just adamantly want to communicate to izzy and others that think living like a single, pursuing the nightlife even for a "minute" (more like several hours every week) while in a committed marriage is somehow beneficial, is more dangerous than you all think.

Have you seen "The Grizzly Man"? Its about a guy who is infatuated with grizzlies and conservation lives with them every year in the wild. The bears are a real threat, not a perceived one... he knows they could easily kill and eat him, but through familiarity he convinced himself he had the integrity and wherewithal to manage the threat. Until a rogue hungry one came through and killed and ate him. I'm not saying this is how affairs happen, I'm just pointing out to not underestimate or overlook a threat that has the ability to destroy a marriage. 

Now if you understand the risk and want to choose to take it because you feel life is more rewarding that way, then go for it but also accept your spouse's decision to not play along, it's not just your side of the marriage you are putting on the line, you are gambling with someone else's emotions. Just don't be ignorant and pretend that this kind of GNO is completely harmless. I am but one example among many (mostly men I'm sure) in recent times whose W pursued this kind of lifestyle only later to decide to leave for a single life, and the crazy thing is most of those wayward wives can't even attribute any of the marital discontent onto their choice to leave their H's at home to go party with their friends. I am all for having time apart, just don't replace the things that are supposed to be reserved for marriage with things you get at a club.

I realize I am being staunch about this, but it is clear to me that few people on this particular thread can even relate to "my experience" and so can't even begin to understand about this particular kind of corruption. So if you disagree with me we should just agree to disagree.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

RoseRed said:


> UGH!
> 
> Get over yourself...
> 
> I'm with you BrightEyes...


Entropy made a valid point.

Can you answer it?



> Originally Posted by Entropy3000
> Husbands do not want thier wives in emotional relationships with other men. They do not want them being physically handled by other men. They do not want their wives to be drinking with other men and putting themselves out there for the attention they can get from other men. It is seen as unfaithful in and of itself.


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## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

In my opinion I think what you are doing is fine as long as its not to often.

I dont go out to clubs/bars with my friends but my husband does. I trust my husband 100% but I dont like the idea of him or his friends acting single. Im sure they're not really acting single but I also no its only very occasionally us partners get get asked to go too.


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## england 75 (Sep 13, 2011)

izzy7 said:


> My husband thinks that it's not right for me to go to a club with friends or to have a drink after work or school. He doesn't allow it. He says he will leave me. I am 27 years old and have a son who is 3 and a stepson who is 6. I work part-time and go to school full-time and take care of kids and house. But sometimes I get stressed and would like to have a drink after work or school, maybe once a week. Or go out and dance with friends once and while. He thinks mothers and wifes shouldn't be doing that. I'm married not dead! I don't want to get drunk or cheat, I just need to get away for a minute. I thought when my kids are asleep would be no problem since they are asleep. He thinks dancing with friends or having a drink at night is for single people. What do you guys think?


Has he been hurt before or cheated on? Maybe he's quite insecure? Also does he have his own time away? You should try a mature dating site and say you're fed up of the games.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I go out alone sometimes, but not to go clubbing and drinking. I drink at home lollll

I get what the OP is saying about needing to get away, but why clubbing?

I get away by going to a movie or going to the book store and getting coffee (nerdy, I know). You don't have to go out with your husband ALL the time. Besides, sitters are expensive.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

that_girl said:


> I go out alone sometimes, but not to go clubbing and drinking. I drink at home lollll
> 
> I get what the OP is saying about needing to get away, but why clubbing?
> 
> I get away by going to a movie or going to the book store and getting coffee (nerdy, I know). You don't have to go out with your husband ALL the time. Besides, sitters are expensive.


:iagree: I always hang out with my friends at horse shows or smocking guild meetings. Having lunch with friends occasionally has worked out well also. All of my friends are married, so those activities don't infringe on their time with THEIR spouses.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Sometimes I just drive around for an hour with a hot coffee and a pack of smokes with my music blasting.

lol.

Kinda like a club :rofl:


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

RoseRed said:


> Lon said:
> 
> 
> > It's that we allowed her be exposed to that environment long enough to not take the threat seriously, as well as slowly normalizing it and also gradually shifting her values and passions until she was ready to cross that line.
> ...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

RoseRed said:


> UGH!
> 
> Get over yourself...
> 
> I'm with you BrightEyes...


So husbands need to get over themselves. At least those that would feel this way. There is a continuum of thoutht. A woman can do what she pleases. She can consider her partner, but do what she chooses. A recipe for a happy marriage right there.



> Husbands do not want thier wives in emotional relationships with other men.
> 
> They do not want them being physically handled by other men.
> 
> ...


I am trying to cut throught the agruments of protection and trust.

The line of thought is, that men may very well trust thier wives but not trust the other men.

The counter is that husbands do not have to protect their wives ( even though they are wired to do so ), that woman can protect themselves ( even though they are wired for attention ). What I am saying is that it is not just about concerns that the wife may go too far under the influence of alcohol and all the rest or any other perceived danger. It is that the act of going to the clubs, dancing, flirting and drinking with other men is unfaithful in itself. So trust is already broken if a wife ( or husband ) puts themselves in these situations.

So then we have the situation where the other men are seemingly put in the background. This is where, only the girls dance together with each other on the dance floor separate from the other men. There will still be drinking. The single girls in the group will be free to dance, flirt and drink with other men of courseas they should be. Wedding rings are shields against unwanted attention. This sure gets gray does it not? Even grayer without boundaries and while drinking alcohol. There are many reasons a predator would go out of their way to seduce a married woman.

I liken this to me sitting in a strip club flashing my wedding ring to ward off the strippers ( even though I am wired to repopulate the world ).
BTW I also liken dancing close together to a lap dance. Sure lap dances vary, but so do close up and grinding dances.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Sometimes I just drive around for an hour with a hot coffee and a pack of smokes with my music blasting.
> 
> lol.
> 
> Kinda like a club :rofl:


No alcohol?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

izzy7 said:


> no reason. I have never cheated. He did trust me when we were dating, but then marriage came and he doesnt. He hears from work about a guy who got cheated on and he sayss he wont be stupid like that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nothing wrong with learning from others mistakes, BUT he is taking this way too far if he has issues with normal marriage friendly GNOs. Dinner at Applebees or visiting girl friends is pretty common stuff. You can have those drinks and time to bond with other women. 

Is he flat against drinking at all now? 

Have you approached him about those or are you still pressing for the GNO club scene?

Also I suggest you press him for more dates and for him to take you out dancing.

The below seems the focus is on going to the club to dance with your friends.



> Thank u! I am not trying to do anything but get out and dance with the girls for a min. getting attention frm any1 else is the last thing I need or want!


I may or may not personallly be able to work this out with my own wife. There would need to be boundaries agreed to for sure specific to this scenario. This has never been an issue for us but I can see where your husband is coming from as far as you wanting to go to the club at all. 

If he will not budge you will have to decide how important this is for you. He needs to realize how important this is for you. Again I think perhaps the answer for this might be in the compromise where the husbands take the wives to the club.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> RoseRed said:
> 
> 
> > If a husband or wife makes a choice against the feelings and wishes of the other spouse, they are not acting as a married partner. If they cannot resolve the disagreement like a married couple yet one of the partners does this anyway, they are being disrespectful of the other partner. Not a matter of who is right or who is wrong in the disagreement. If these choices are more important that the marriage then dissolve such marriage and behave as a single free willed person.
> ...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

KI0159 said:


> In my opinion I think what you are doing is fine as long as its not to often.
> 
> I dont go out to clubs/bars with my friends but my husband does. I trust my husband 100% but I dont like the idea of him or his friends acting single. Im sure they're not really acting single but I also no its only very occasionally us partners get get asked to go too.


Your husband goes to dance clubs? Does he dance with other women? Or does he just go to bars? Curious to see the feelings from the opposite direction.

Is it ok for guys to go to dance clubs without their wives, dance, flirt and drink with other women? Is it ok for the hubby to be buying drinks for the ladies? Maybe praticing his PUA a bit. Running a Kino escalation maybe.


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## ThighMaster (Aug 31, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> RoseRed said:
> 
> 
> > If a husband or wife makes a choice against the feelings and wishes of the other spouse, they are not acting as a married partner. If they cannot resolve the disagreement like a married couple yet one of the partners does this anyway, they are being disrespectful of the other partner. Not a matter of who is right or who is wrong in the disagreement. If these choices are more important that the marriage then dissolve such marriage and behave as a single free willed person.
> ...


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## england 75 (Sep 13, 2011)

Alcohol can just make things so much worse.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

A man's expectation of boundaries are seen as controlling and archaic. I'm shocked!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> RoseRed said:
> 
> 
> > If a husband or wife makes a choice against the feelings and wishes of the other spouse, they are not acting as a married partner. If they cannot resolve the disagreement like a married couple yet one of the partners does this anyway, they are being disrespectful of the other partner. Not a matter of who is right or who is wrong in the disagreement. If these choices are more important that the marriage then dissolve such marriage and behave as a single free willed person.
> ...


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## katy929 (Oct 27, 2011)

For myself, I personally do not think a wife and mother should be going out with her girlfriends for a drink once a week to a club or bar. You will have alchohol in your system and when people dance it is not like they stand 10 feet away..lol..you will probably be really close..im just saying, if you need someone to rub on you can do it with your husband. I guess it is just because if I did that I would feel guilty even dancing with another man knowing my husband was at home with our child.

I just think it is disrespectful toward your husband. Obviously, there are going to be other men there and then it makes me think well, why do you not just take your husband with you since you are only wanting to get away once a week. It can become your weekly thing. Or why cant you just go out with your husband and maybe another couple.

The reason I feel this way I think is because anything can happen. And, plus if you start doing it every week then maybe he will be jelous and then that will lead to him saying your cheating and then that just leaves to fights..you get my point of the never ending battle. 

I am not trying to come down on you. I know being a mom and going to school and working can be really tough and you probably just need a day to yourself. However if I were in your situation I would want a day at the spa not going out to bars drinking with other strange men. But, thats just me.

I hope everything works out for you and that you guys find a medium ground to work together on.


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## WhatComesNext (Jul 6, 2011)

I don't see a problem with girls night and I don't see a problem with guys night either. I think once a week might be a bit much but some times it's good to go out with friends doing what ever you enjoy. It's silly to think you have to do everything with your spouse.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

WhatComesNext said:


> it's good to go out with friends doing what ever you enjoy. It's silly to think you have to do everything with your spouse.


Agreed. I like to go out, about once every OTHER week, to the local college and make out with coeds. My wife likes to go to the hen parties where they suck off strippers. She does that on the alternate weeks. I don't have to TELL her I suck face with college girls, and she doesn't have to tell ME she plays with stripper meat, but it's what we enjoy.

:banghead:


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

For me personally.. I would not go with out my husband.. Most clubs are meat markets anyway....


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

katy929 said:


> For myself, I personally do not think a wife and mother should be going out with her girlfriends for a drink once a week to a club or bar. You will have alchohol in your system and when people dance it is not like they stand 10 feet away..lol..you will probably be really close..im just saying, if you need someone to rub on you can do it with your husband. I guess it is just because if I did that I would feel guilty even dancing with another man knowing my husband was at home with our child.
> 
> I just think it is disrespectful toward your husband. Obviously, there are going to be other men there and then it makes me think well, why do you not just take your husband with you since you are only wanting to get away once a week. It can become your weekly thing. Or why cant you just go out with your husband and maybe another couple.
> 
> ...


Excellent post. This is turning a negative into a positive. She would have some quality time away form the kids with her husband. Neither is left homw while the other it out partying with the opposite sex. A win-win.

I am in favor of an occasional GNO but not in clubs or bars. Certainly not meat markets and engaging with the opposite sex.


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