# I need some advice. I have no idea what to do anymore



## mannalea00 (Mar 17, 2009)

I've been married for almost 9 months. Me and my husband constantly fight now. I know it's not all him and that some of it is because of me. He says I'm always irratible and wanting to cause fights. But I work 40 hours a week, go to college part time, I get home and I have to tend to him and the house and I finally sit down at about 9:00 pm. I'm worn out and he don't realize that my job and life is very stressful. He is a firefighter and he works 24 on and 48 off so he has almost 2 full days off work unless he gets a call (and it's not very often that he gets a call while he is off). He helps me a little aroundt he house by sweeping and vacuuming and he does cook occasionally but not very often. That's not my major problem though. I dont' get any type of affection. No kisses, no hugs, no sex(it's been over a month) no nothing. I dont' even get a hi when I get home from work. We maybe talk 20 minutes a week and that's it about the stuff that he is interested in with the fire department. 

Here lately since we have been arguing I've tried to talk to him to maybe help our relationship b/c if things dont' get better it's going to end in divorce but he will not talk to me. He tries his best to avoid me so he dont' have to talk about how to fix our problems. What can I do to fix our marriage. I love him with all my heart and I really want our marriage to work but I can't do it by my self. 

Also he has completely changed. He is not the same person I feel in love with but yet he says he's not changed a bit that he just quit doing all the sweet stuff b/c we're married and he dont' have to impress me anymore. I'm the type where I like affection but he is not so I've tried to live without the affection but I just can't. I need something even if it is just a small kiss but he won't even try to give me some sort of affection b/c "that's not the way he is". 

What can I do to help our marriage so we dont' end up in divorce? I've honestly been thinking iabout it the past couple of weeks. I always said taht I will never get a divorce but I can't handle this anymore. Am I doing anything wrong and hurting our marriage?

Please help

mannalea00


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## mannalea00 (Mar 17, 2009)

Ok so I finally heard from my husband today. We fought last night and this morning. He texted me and asked what type of mood I was in. I replied by saying i'm ok I'm not mad why? He then replied by sayingJ Just wondering if we are going to fight tonight. I replied back I'm not going to fight with you tonight but i would like to talk b/c we need to talk this our. Are you going to fight tonight May we talk tonight with no interruptions? He replied No I'm not going to fight. Id ont' want to talk about it so how can I manage this. He dont' want to talk out our problems so they stay on the plate. What can I do.


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## Margaret (Mar 31, 2008)

I wish I could help you. My husband is the same. We have problems but they get swept under the rug and not talked about. I get "can we talk about this later?" Later never comes. We fight again and the cycle starts all over again.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

mannalea00 said:


> Am I doing anything wrong and hurting our marriage?


Yes. You're training him to be cold and heartless by putting up with his lack of attention. If you reach the point where you are ready to leave, he will know, and he will suddenly become attentive.


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## briannak (Mar 12, 2009)

I agree. I would just hate for it to go that far. I dont know much about your relationship but my husband was kind of the same. The affection part is tough but it can be done. Im guessing that your waiting for him to make the first move, but sometimes you have to do it. My husband is not very affectionante especially when we have been fighting. If you all are still fighting today, i would wait until tommorrow morning. Kiss him in the morning before you go to work, he'll probably be surprised and suspect something is going on. Then when you come home kiss him again and give him a hug. In the middle of your day text him and tell him you miss him. Again, hes going to suspect somethings up, but make it seem like you all haven't been mad at each other. After you get him in a good mood, talk but dont talk about the problem, actually avoid the problem for a good couple of hours. Then if you two are doing good, take him into the bed room. Surprisingly enough, a couple of "minutes" of heated passion works wonders and helps get all the aggression out that your two might have. Then after hes in a good mood and so are you, lay it on him. Dont point the finger at him but bring it up like you all are talking about what to eat for dinner. You might get a response that way and it wont be in a angry tone. If he still doesn't open up, its your call, but at least you know you tried.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I would recommend renting the move 'Fireproof' and watching it together.

I think you have 2 things working against you right now:

1. You are building resentment towards him
2. He does not want to be around you when you are annoyed.

Talking to him about all of the things you don't like about him seems to be pushing him away further rather than making him change his behavior.

I truely believe if you want to reach him, change your own behavior first. Stop pushing him to talk and just focus on the fact that you do love him and want your marriage to work. If your focus is on making him happy, doing what you need to so that you put a smile on his face when he sees you, he will likely respond the way you want.


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## mannalea00 (Mar 17, 2009)

Thanks for everything. I have not updated this yet. We actually talked Tuesday night and it seemed to help. We are good as far as right now but I don't know how long it will last this time. It never lasts for long. 

We watched fireproof at the theatres then we bought it. My husband is a firefighter so that movie really hit home for us b/c that used to be us completely. Well I guess it still is us. We have also both read the book. And I do have the love dare at home. I started doing that and got to day 7 I think then gave it up b/c we got into a HUGE fight and I"ve not picked it up yet again, which I need to do and I"ve been meaning to do for about a week. I just have to find the time to do it right now b/c right now I have no free time b/c so much stuff is going on at work and school, I just have time to go home and sleep much less doing anything else.


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