# First Dinner with wife, in house seperated.



## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

So, My wife called me today and asked to reserved tomorrow night to go out to dinner. I'm pretty sure talking about our marriage is off the table. I'd like to do something different than what we'd been doing the last 20+ years. I plan on a new restraunt, a little worried about what to talk about - want to keep it as light as possible, and what I can possibly do after dinner? Something different there as well. 

I'd appreciate any ideas, so I can weight them out. 

Tyvm in advance.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I suggest NOT doing anything after dinner...just to avoid the appearance of neediness. It may strike her curiosity plus trigger a smidgen of rejection if you tell her how wonderful the evening was, yet are ready to call it a night. Of course, you don't want to come off as playing games...but you do want to increase your value and respect in her eyes...and fumbling around, increasing the anxiety of what-should-I-do??? or I'm-gonna-fail!!...this is going to be a game-killer and undo everything. So I would go to the dinner...keep it light...make lots of comfortable time to talk...but call it when the dinner ends, making a suggestion that you would like to continue it another time. If she flips out...then stay cool...and don't bend. Or if she reverse flips it on you...then shrug it off like YOU CARE NOT. This will get her attention...and build up that curiosity which is woman-fly-paper.

I think it is more important for you to know what you want to tell her and NOT tell her. Don't say how much you need her...or anything pressuring or uncomfortable to her. Say how great life is going for you (in a believable way) what you've been doing...and even future goals and dreams (WITHOUT A WORD ABOUT INCLUDING HER ON IT). If she does try to insert herself in your future plans...just nod and listen...saying "Yeah, I would like it to be you"...putting out the vibe that you are a MAN ON THE MOVE...you gots stuff going on and you are thankful for everything that has happened because it helped you reprioritize things...that you are embarking on an ADVENTURE...and you would love the RIGHT kind of woman to accompany you...and you want it to be her, but if she can't pull it together, then you will find one that will fit the bill. You don't have to say all this...just put out that vibe. Women don't want it to be all about them...so if it is your habit to make the conversation all about her and her trials, then AVOID IT LIKE THE PLAGUE!!!!! Do differently by living out that you are taking the helm of your life-ship and she is welcome to board your ship if she is going to be useful to your dreams and goals. Many women dream of having that kind of relationship with their husband. And if you have been aimlessly pining after your wife, doing nothing...then you better figure it out quick...cos it will repell her if you say how miserable you've been, how you want her back. And if things go REAL welll...and she starts hinting at sex...sure flirt a little to build excitement...but still stick to your guns about needing to go home.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Thx FS, good point on the after dinner activities.

After 20+ years, we've only talked about family, kids, kids' school/sports, work, bills, etc, etc, never ourselves.

I'm at a loss at what we can talk about to keep it lite.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I forgot to mention, a big omission, that its our anniversary. Should I have even accepted the request to do dinner?


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

It's a hard call bout the anniversary...it may come off too cold or callous to not recognize it, and even thought you don't want to over-extend yourself in neediness, you don't want to completely shut down and risk closing her heart. I say if you already agreed to it, then you should go...but treat it like going with her is the special event, not the anniversary date.
As for small talk...that's going to be hard, since all your small talk is prolly about the kids and their shenanigans. Maybe just interject when she goes down that road, and say "You know, I'm more interested in what you have been up to." and then get in the habit of asking non-invasive questions. Like "Tell me something about yourself that you have never shared"...and maybe think of something on your end. This is like a new courtship phase, where you try to get to know one another without putting out vibes of staking any claims...even though you have shared a past.
If she is appearing to put a lot of emotional pressure of the anniversary, don't let her. Say, "You know, I can appreciate that today is something we have always celebrated and I don't want to diminish its meaning, but I'm done looking to the past cos look where we ended up. I'm only interested in making new memories and start living a life of new celebrations...and that is only going to come when we deal with our stuff and either start completely fresh or move on."
This is a great opportunity for you to start fleshing out your purpose...and then sharing it with her to let her know where you want to go. It may very well restore her hopes. But you have an opportunity to engage...and not just quietly nod and avoid confrontation while she rattles off stuff about kids, pulling you back into your familiar patterns. That means you got to step up and engage her relationally, set some boundaries conversation-wise, and show a different side of yourself that says you have been working on stuff.


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