# A Year out from Affair..exhausted and confused



## lala1978 (Jul 21, 2011)

So, I am new here.. here is my story 

Pre Affair
When I met my husband he was super passionate about his hobbies, one thing that drew me to him. He taught me everything about hunting, fishing, you get the picture.

** through the next few years, i realized he was quite selfish. his hobbies were his #1 priority. then would blame me for not wanting to do his hobbies with him. Yes, I am more introverted than him. He found it threatening that i wasn't doing these things with him. i tried to tell him i did all those thigns with him in the beginning because i was falling in love, i just wanted to be with him. 

** a few things came up through the years that really hurt me. My step dad was missing for a few days due to falling off the wagon. My family was very worried, my H( then live in boyfriend), when turkey hunting instead of staying with me. I ended up registering for baby by myself, i just took care of everything by myself so he could hunt, fish, or play sports.
The morning after we got married he woke up from the hotel and headed to his softball tourny. I was use to this type of stuff. It always seemed easier to let him do what he wanted, kept him happy. *after the fact, it started to hit me that my husbands hobbies were always put in front of me** once i started to fight him about them i became the bad guy trying to ruin his life..

As the years went our sex life was not that great. Problem being, both of us wanted to be suduced.. so we just both sat waiting for that.. 

Affair
So April 2010, he set off to have an affair. He met a girl in a bar, went home with her that night. It lasted about 4 weeks, a friend told me what was going on.

Post Affair
We have been in both marriage and individual counseling for a year. While we have made some progress, what i have come to realize is that my H does not share his feelings. he is a conflict avoider at all cost, was very passive aggressive in the previous years of our relationship, leading to me being frustrated and angry. In the early months after the affair, i begged him to go to websites about affairs, read books, etc. He did not really do any of it. I felt that he has still not made a huge plea to get me to stay. he more just shuts down when he feels i am becoming frustrated with sitution, saying to himself "oh she is gonna leave anyway, why put myself out there" .
it is this attitude that i can no longer tolerate. It is makeing me crazy. I feel like i am am drowning waiting for him to emotionally connect with me. he walks around carrying the guilt and shame, but doesn't do anything about it. he is on lexpro. 
I dont know, i find myself dreaming/fantasing about a man who is confident and doesn't take everything little thing i say or my tone a voice so personal.. 
I dont even know what i am looking for here. Maybe to hear that someone is in the same boat. I feel like because of the affair i am less willing to be as patient as i may need to be for him to eventually be who i need him to be. does that sound awful?? I just feel like the good days we have had are not enough to keep us going like this. I need more!:scratchhead:


----------



## MOJO (Jul 23, 2011)

Hi there,

Just wanted to let you know I am in the same boat as you. My husband had an affair 9 months ago and we, well I have been working so hard to make things work but he is just dumb. He suffers with depression and I've been making excuses for him because I don't want to be divorced. I want to bring my children up with a perfect mummy and daddy but that is not happening. I feel such a failure but his lack of determination to put things right and his obsession with work...work before me and the family all the time are just too much.
In our mc today I told him I'd been looking at houses to rent nearby. He looked shocked but didnt scream out No I want it to work - I'll do anything. He just well pretty much did nothing. I can forgive my husband for his affair. I can put up with his depression and his work. I can do more than my fair share of the childrearing and the housework but if I don't have a husband fighting to making our marrage work then I sadly think he needs to go. None of my family have any idea what has happened. Its going to be such a big shock to everyone and I can't even imagine how awful its going to be to explain to my girls BUT I am going to happy. If my husband can't add to my life and makes me feel awkward in my own home then I'm going to be braver than ever before and take control of the situation.
Big hugs to you - its nice to hear other people are in the same situation even though I wish this was not happening to any of us x


----------

