# So, regretfulman just told me he tried to harass me on TAM. Changed mind



## Laureen (Apr 3, 2012)

Well everyone...

Regretfulman has been asked to leave the house and he is very angry. I am glad that he came clean and told me that he just tried to have me ostracized from the message board.

He apparently went into his account and posted as though he were me, (which makes it appear that I hijacked his account which I would never do. I hope he does not hijack mine. Maybe I will just close it.) saying that 'I won't be on anymore because I want him to receive some advice and benefit from you all. I guess he figured that you all would see that and think we were so F&%^ed up, why bother??'

I am not too happy to see that he seems to have removed his thread. I wish that he would stick around and share with you all, what is happening so he could get your thoughts.

And surely, I WON'T be back if he comes here to seek your help because I don't want to cause him to stop seeking. Further, I think he is probably taking my laptop with him when he goes. So, no more FB for me or homework help for the kids. Whatever... It is not worth fighting over a laptop.

Well, as I sit here typing this, I can hear him stomping around in the other room as he packs his things. This morning I told him to leave.

Last night, we never did take that walk, you see; just as I suspected yesterday - but never did say in my reply to him - his thread on here was posted by a man I rarely have ever seen in my marriage. This is the man that everyone else gets to see. Not our family and not me. I had a little more hope after reading his thread and I looked forward to him coming home after work so that we could share a nice evening together.

Instead, he came home in his typical mood. Ticked off because he had to deal with stressful situations at work... not my problem or the kids problem. Though I am certainly to talk with him if ever wanted to share. He does not share, he projects his problems onto everyone else so he can feel better about him.

Well, by the time we sat down to dinner he was in full anger mode. Biting everyones heads off and treating us all like lower life forms. I asked everyone to leave the table and I tried to talk him down. He curses and balls up his fists like a child which makes me wince in fear because of all the times those fists have landed on me in the past. 

So, he becomes more angry because of my wincing. Anyways, I was starting to get very unsettled inside and I yelled too. I yelled, "Get out so I can try to salvage this day for the kids who went out of their way to make cards for my birthday." (yes, even my 17 year old likes to make cards).

So he did leave and I fought tears through eating cake and reading my beautiful cards. Everyone was quiet and sullen. My 12 year old blames herself because she somehow feels responsible when he behaves like this.

When he came home an hour later, I took a cigarette from his pack and realized what I was doing and just could not believe it. I quit almost 2 weeks ago, cold turkey, relying only on God for help. So far, yesterday was the ONLY day that I have struggled. 

I pretty much kept to myself last night, as much as I was permitted to. But I was forced into a situation between him and the youngest. He was in her room giving her a hard time about leaving her clothes on the floor, which I have no problem with as she is a slob. However, as I have repeatedly expressed to him, "It is not your room. We CAN shut the door and she can wear wrinkled clothes. As long as I can get to her without killing myself during a fire, it is all good." Anyways, I ignored it until he began to scream at and terrorize her. At this point I told him he is on the verge of abusive and I WILL have him removed. So he left and went to a friends house. At 3 AM he came home and proceeded to paw at me and force himself on me. I shoved him away and slept on the couch.

This morning I got a phone call from my Tuesday client, asking me to postpone until next week because she is very ill. Well now that regretful knows I am not cleaning today, he decided he was going to stay home from work (typical for his entire career and he always wonders why he is the first to go when there is a layoff. He goes in late, does not go to work, leaves early, etc...) and I said nothing about it. He followed me around for a while yelling at me. telling me what a f(*&^ng B*&ch I am. Why won't I accept his apology, etc... "I really, really am sorry this time! I promise I will stop behaving like this. I just have to try harder." Blah, blah, blah...

So, I could only say, "When I say I am sorry, I change my behavior. When you say you are sorry, you simply hope I will forget about it and everything is ok and you don't have to do any work to change. Controlling yourself is NOT working towards changing." Which somehow translates into, "You are a lazy liar." 

I did not say that but that is what he hears because that is what HE believes. I don't believe that. I believe that he is a wounded person due to his childhood and that he does not know HOW to change. (he actually does know how but refuses to do the work... he has the 12 steps... if he really wanted to change). 

Anyways, he got worse and worse until he grabbed my arm, spun me around and told me that he wished I would just drink so that we could be like we were!! 

I reminded him that I NEVER asked him to stop, therefore he could drink if he wanted but I will not participate in that delusional life - pretending that we are a wonderful and happy family, the more it spirals out of control. I told him I enjoy my life today which is not simply because I don't drink but because I have done all the work to change and that I find peace in my relationships with God and my fellows. No thank you... No alcohol for me. So, he told me that he hates my Fu&^%ng guts and he wished I was dead because it is MY fault that his son and I now have a decent relationship but his son wants his father out of his life. To which I replied, "No regretful. You and your son ALWAYS had a tough relationship. As did he and I but today, he trusts me because I am sober and I treat him with respect. You, on the other hand, with or without me, never had a chance with him or her (his oldest) because you defend them for everything that requires discipline and then they continue with bad behavior, while they listen to you blame me and then when you have had enough of the behavior you defend, you get physically rough with them. And you mentally abuse them with disgusting words."

I said, "I am done. One of these days you are going to hit her (our child in common) and then you WILL have consequences to save your relationship. You will go to jail and you will lose all contact with her until you get well. You are no longer permitted to treat us this way. You need to leave this house and not come back. I don't want to be married any longer."

So, he is packing his stuff and he has threatened to take me to court for custody! Good luck! 

I don't care anymore. I have had it. I am sick of watching him do to our daughter what he did to his two oldest kids. I am sick of every vacation, birthday, anniversary, holiday being destroyed. I am sick of having nobody to lean on when I need support. I am sick of sleeping with a terrorist and walking on egg shells. More than anything, I have been a horrible mother to all of my girls and to his kids by allowing all of this behavior to continue to so many years. 

These behaviors BTW, were ALL present LONG before I cheated. And for a while before I drank. But eventually, I drank those behaviors away for a long time. I don't want to do that again, so I am done. And I absolutely SHOULD have left long, long ago instead of hiding in a bottle - for all I did was prolong the agony of every person in our household. 

I care about him and hope he gets well someday. But I love my children more. Further, he is right about something he says when he is looking for a pat on the back or to be forgiven for his latest outburst. He always tells me that I have never had the experience of loving someone who loves me. He is right. I don't just mean the emotion. But the ACT of loving. I know how to show love and I deserve to have another show love for me. Someday. I am not in any rush! 

For now, I will rely on Gods love and focus on my children.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I always say treating infidelity is like triage, you treat the infidelity first and then the marriage

however when a health problem as bad as alcoholism is a factor it may be one of the only times you have to put the infidelity issue on hold a bit

you can't help someone who doesn't want it

and until he does go into recovery (or if) there's nothing you can do

unfortunately your infidelity really muddied up the issues at hand, but I don't blame you for ending the marriage unless he gets his drinking problem under control


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

That guy is no good at all. Never stay with an abuser. Don't go back. He looks like a master manipulator. To do what he did after the post he made...


No wonder you were very cautious in your posts yesterday


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Take care of yourself and your children Laureen. You seem to have found the strength to do so without drama or antics - certainly a better thing for your children than the show described above. 

Best of Luck.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

No offense, but there's a lot of drama when some couples are on the same message board. Different views of the same situation.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I don't think alcohol is his problem, might be undiagnosed BP


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Complexity said:


> I don't think alcohol is his problem, might be undiagnosed BP


doesn't smell like it to me, but armchair psychology is all we can do


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Sounds very similar to my dad...always suspected some type of mental imbalance but he has never been diagnosed. 

Sober he was like this, but when he drank............watch out. My mom was beat several times in front of us kids after drinking. He was a very angry drunk. I was 11 when I saw my mom being kicked in the stomach on the living room floor while he was yelling things at her like "It's your fault I'm doing this, you make me so ANGRY"

It sounds like you are doing the right thing by getting away from this guy for your childrens sake. I wish my mom would have left sooner so my younger siblings were not traumatized like I was.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Though this forum is to help people, both BS and WS, deal constructively with the ordeal of infidelity, but issues like alcoholism, domestic violence, and mental disorders are simply beyond the scope of it.

Abusive behavior by one spouse towards the other is totally inexcusable, period.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

At least one of them (and I mean you L) seems to genuinely have the glow of love inside them, not some cheap imitation light bulb (talking about you Regretful) The new information brought to light by the OP in this post certainly helps me with the duality I expressed in the original thread about this topic. 

Be well Laureen, you are doing a good thing in a good way. The dust will settle in time, and you will be far better off. 

As far as armchair psych goes, BP (bi-polar) does not fit quite as well as BPD (borderline personality disorder) which almost always includes some form of anger, substance abuse, manipulation, compartmentalization, and delusion. Regretful needs professional medical help. Anti-psychotic medication, and something to narrow his range (SSRI, SNRI). Laureen is not his doctor, and should not be forced into that role. Sometimes I wish I had the ability to switch places with someone instantly for a few minutes, like when a pathetic bully rapist is about to beat his wife. Compound fractures and punctured lungs look great on a*sholes like him. Rapists look great tied to chairs pulp fiction style too, being on the receiving end of a violent rape can quickly change a rapist, castration with a dirty knife works well too. (time for me to take a long walk and let some of this hostility out, I apologize if my comments offended anyone <other than regretful, who seems to be a pathetic loser rapist bully>)


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