# Am I being crazy or is it justifiable to feel like this?



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Yesterday evening DH makes a comment about our toddler daughter being tall (we were watching her preK end of year video) and taller than some of her classmates, he thought that was cool and also said her legs are so long, he didnt notice because she always wears dresses now but since he has been doing bedtime routine with her, its just something he noticed (in the past he's also commented on her little buddha belly etc). So the comments like this aren't new but they irk me sometimes, not sure why. Maybe because I have my own self image/insecurity issues. 

So before the comment (above) yesterday we go to a neighborhood party, meet a bunch of new people. It was fun, people were nice. I was feeling more insecure (partly because I'm very pregnant right now). So feeling like this and then hearing the comment about our kid for some reason upset me. I just felt like DH doesnt do a great job of making me feel more secure sometimes in terms of wanting/desiring me, esp when pregnant like I am now. I understand some of this is my own issue but is it so wrong to want to feel reassured, desired, attractive etc but actually hear it? I tell hik this and say I hate that I have to spell it out for you, this is how I feel and wish you would say things to reassure me. He always says "I wish you wouldnt feel like this" or " I dont know why you feel like this". (Haaaate this) and after more prodding its "you are beautiful to me, I want to be with you". How hard is it for him to just say more stuff like this in the FIRST place so I would feel more secure? Am I bein unreasonable? 

We are reading His needs/her needs together and he is being more affectionate overall. Not in the past 2 days when he's been super tired & busy but overall yes. But a couple of days of less affection and yesterday's comments make me feel badly :-/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

yellowstar said:


> Yesterday evening DH makes a comment about our toddler daughter being tall (we were watching her preK end of year video) and taller than some of her classmates, he thought that was cool and also said her legs are so long, he didnt notice because she always wears dresses now but since he has been doing bedtime routine with her, its just something he noticed (in the past he's also commented on her little buddha belly etc). So the comments like this aren't new but they irk me sometimes, not sure why. Maybe because I have my own self image/insecurity issues.
> 
> So before the comment (above) yesterday we go to a neighborhood party, meet a bunch of new people. It was fun, people were nice. I was feeling more insecure (partly because I'm very pregnant right now). So feeling like this and then hearing the comment about our kid for some reason upset me. I just felt like DH doesnt do a great job of making me feel more secure sometimes in terms of wanting/desiring me, esp when pregnant like I am now. I understand some of this is my own issue but is it so wrong to want to feel reassured, desired, attractive etc but actually hear it? I tell hik this and say I hate that I have to spell it out for you, this is how I feel and wish you would say things to reassure me. He always says "I wish you wouldnt feel like this" or " I dont know why you feel like this". (Haaaate this) and after more prodding its "you are beautiful to me, I want to be with you". How hard is it for him to just say more stuff like this in the FIRST place so I would feel more secure? Am I bein unreasonable?
> 
> ...



You're pregnant, enough said.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

if he never said things like this, why would he start now? maybe it's just not who he is and never was. Perhaps it's your low self-image of yourself that needs the cajoling in the first place. I believe that your husband really does think you are beautiful and wants to be with you. Why do you so desperately need to hear it to believe it? Does he show you this in other ways, like with affection - holding your hands, rubbing your knee or back, or you don't get these signals from him at all.

Do you only feel this way while pregnant?


----------



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

IsGirl3 said:


> if he never said things like this, why would he start now? maybe it's just not who he is and never was. Perhaps it's your low self-image of yourself that needs the cajoling in the first place. I believe that your husband really does think you are beautiful and wants to be with you. Why do you so desperately need to hear it to believe it? Does he show you this in other ways, like with affection - holding your hands, rubbing your knee or back, or you don't get these signals from him at all.
> 
> Do you only feel this way while pregnant?


He does hold my hand, hug and kiss more recently, hand on back etc. i feel a little bit like this when not pg BUT waaay more like this now. I know the much more affection is newer--like a few months, since reading the book. For ex, it used to bother me he would not kiss me much in front of others (like a hi peck on the lips or stuff like that)--but he has started to do that now, kiss on head too, arm around me and squeeze in the grocery store etc. i just want to hear the words sometimes--that make you feel wanted etc, esp when looking like this. And just fyi-/we do have sex ~3x/week.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

and how did you reward him for his change? Did you provide his needs? Because if you don't, and continue to expect him to, it's just not going to last.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

yellowstar said:


> *He does hold my hand, hug and kiss more recently, hand on back etc*. i feel a little bit like this when not pg BUT waaay more like this now. I know the much more affection is newer--like a few months, since reading the book. For ex, it used to bother me he would not kiss me much in front of others (like a hi peck on the lips or stuff like that)--but he has started to do that now, kiss on head too, arm around me and *squeeze in the grocery store *etc. i just want to hear the words sometimes--that make you feel wanted etc, esp when looking like this. And just fyi-/we do have sex ~3x/week.


Words of Affirmation is your Love Language, it's that simple really... and possibly for your husband, this is at his bottom, so it is not all that natural for him to speak this, sounds physical touch is MORE HIS way. 

Being pregnant is pushing this a little over the top, but that can be expected....has brought this more to light.

In the *His Needs, Her Needs *book, it would be classified as "Admiration" I suppose...being high on your emotional needs.

I get where you are coming from as us having to spell it out to our husband's....it looses it's luster real quick when they throw something back -having just brought it to his attention..

Then we get stuck in this mental merry go round thinking..."If he felt this way, he would express it more...." -so he must not really feel it and he is just pacifying us. 

My husband is more of a Toucher over a verbal expresser...I have complained he is too quiet in the bedroom at times.....he got me good once shooting this back at me >>

"My touch should be worth a thousand words"... Shut me up good... Maybe this is the perspective of your husband as well, any chance? Though he still can step it up some... Always room for improvement !

I found this to be a nice write up on it ..
Love Language - Words of Affirmation




> Mark Twain once said – “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” If we take Mark Twain literally, six compliments a year would have kept his emotional ‘love-tank’ at the operational level. You, or your spouse, and I, will probably need many more than that!.
> 
> Today we come to the second in the series on “The Five Love Languages” which is “*words of affirmation”.*
> 
> ...


----------



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

joshbjoshb said:


> and how did you reward him for his change? Did you provide his needs? Because if you don't, and continue to expect him to, it's just not going to last.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep I've been a lot more receptive to intimacy and a much better listener, thinking of his needs etc. 


On a positive note, since writing this he brought me breakfast in bed and read a birth story to me (something I told him he could do before to be supportive as we welcome new baby). So that's good! Not the words I wanted to hear but showing love nonetheless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

yellowstar said:


> Yep I've been a lot more receptive to intimacy and a much better listener, thinking of his needs etc.
> 
> 
> On a positive note, since writing this he brought me breakfast in bed and read a birth story to me (something I told him he could do before to be supportive as we welcome new baby). So that's good! Not the words I wanted to hear but showing love nonetheless.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I talked to him briefly this morning about the compliments part. We'll see what happens!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

YS, you're expecting him to fix YOUR problem, I'm afraid. This is not going to work no matter how much he does show you. Let's say he makes it a point to tell you that you're gorgeous, all he would ever want - every single day. Before long, you will adapt your idea of that being the "normal" and your doubts will still be there, so you'll up the ante. It won't be enough for him to tell you once a day, maybe now you need to hear it multiple times. Once you adapt to that, your doubts will still be there! Eventually, he'll realize that he cannot make your negativity go away and will stop trying or will just feel like he's going through the motions to keep the peace. 

I would encourage you to use your OWN self-talk, some positive affirmations, and possibly even see a therapist to get to the heart of why you value yourself so little.


----------



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> YS, you're expecting him to fix YOUR problem, I'm afraid. This is not going to work no matter how much he does show you. Let's say he makes it a point to tell you that you're gorgeous, all he would ever want - every single day. Before long, you will adapt your idea of that being the "normal" and your doubts will still be there, so you'll up the ante. It won't be enough for him to tell you once a day, maybe now you need to hear it multiple times. Once you adapt to that, your doubts will still be there! Eventually, he'll realize that he cannot make your negativity go away and will stop trying or will just feel like he's going through the motions to keep the peace.
> 
> I would encourage you to use your OWN self-talk, some positive affirmations, and possibly even see a therapist to get to the heart of why you value yourself so little.



This is probably most likely true. Uggghhh...I really suck sometimes. Coming on here though helps because its a reality check! Thank you!


----------



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

yellowstar said:


> Yep I've been a lot more receptive to intimacy and a much better listener, thinking of his needs etc.
> 
> 
> On a positive note, since writing this he brought me breakfast in bed and read a birth story to me (something I told him he could do before to be supportive as we welcome new baby). So that's good! Not the words I wanted to hear but showing love nonetheless.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Would you read again what you wrote? You have been "receptive" and a "listener", yet you expect him to "say" and "do", not only to be receptive and listen.

This is not call providing!

If his needs are intimate, you should be initiating. If his needs are acts of service, you should be doing more of them.

Unless you are willing to do as much as he does, he will simply stop very soon.


----------



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

joshbjoshb said:


> Would you read again what you wrote? You have been "receptive" and a "listener", yet you expect him to "say" and "do", not only to be receptive and listen.
> 
> This is not call providing!
> 
> ...



I have been doing some acts if kindness too (I forgot to add) but can definitely do more. And its a good reminder to me now to focus on what I can do for him thanks!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Yellowstar,
It's not all about focusing on what you can do for him, it's about finding some of that admiration for yourself.

It's a domino effect, which will cause you to want to do more for him, in the end.

But if it's borne out of "tit for tat" you will be stuck in the rut Kathy mentions.

I do believe that HNHN is a great start, for both spouses. But I also believe it should be done WITH some self esteem building.

Having your own sense of validation to draw upon is something no one can take away from you, ever. It's the greatest gift you can give yourself. You don't have to rely on someone to do the right thing, and you are also more able to be receptive to what is given.

The emotional needs your spouse does give to you are the bonus. 
A bonus without the yearly salary isn't much. So of course it feels much less than it should be. 

PS
Pregnant is very beautiful.


----------



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

deejov said:


> Yellowstar,
> It's not all about focusing on what you can do for him, it's about finding some of that admiration for yourself.
> 
> It's a domino effect, which will cause you to want to do more for him, in the end.
> ...


Thanks and got it. How do I work on the yearly salary part/AKA/ my own self esteem?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Many options, personal, and find one that works for you 
-Affirmations (look on the internet)
-Know what your purpose in life is. Explore it.
-recommended books (The Gifts of Imperfection, The Voice of Knowledge)
-IC
-taking time on a regular basis to work on these things (make yourself important!)

Websites:
How to Find Your Purpose

Personal Development 123
(This one has amazing articles, and sooo much information!)


----------



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

deejov said:


> Many options, personal, and find one that works for you
> -Affirmations (look on the internet)
> -Know what your purpose in life is. Explore it.
> -recommended books (The Gifts of Imperfection, The Voice of Knowledge)
> ...



Thank you, I appreciate it.


----------

