# Has any woman here taken Hormone Replacement therapy and it “cured” your sexual relationship with your spouse?



## Hoping? (Dec 28, 2021)

I am at my wit’s end.

I am 47 year old man, married for 23 years.

My wife has no libido. We have talked about how things used to be— she had a very strong libido for MANY years.

She says she loves me, but does not desire sex.

I asked her, do you WANT to WANT sex like you used to? She says yes.

She is 41, started perimenopause around age 38.

I have told her a number of times, that without kissing, hugs, holding hand, and sex, that I cannot FEEL the emotion of love coming from her.

I suggested she take hormone therapy, because that woul increase her libido. (I myself have had to take testosterone injections for almost 20 years due to an endocrine disorder). 

However, she tearfully said she does not want to do it, because she is too afraid it will amplify her existing anxiety. She has been on numerous anti anxiety, depression and ADHD meds for the last several years.

I wonder if it is her mental illness (or perhaps that she may even be a covert narcissist?) that she continually says to me, “you only care about sex” and says she cannot understand why I couldn’t be in love with her without sex in our marriage.

How much more blunt and honest (and IMPOSSIBLE to misunderstand?!) can I possibly be when I tell her, “I FEEL loved when you hug me, kiss me, have sex with me. I do not FEEL loved when you do not touch me in ANY WAY for weeks at a time.”

So it all boils down to this:

I can “accept” a difficult marriage with a woman who battles anxiety and depression frequently IF she shows me physical affection. I’m not truly happy, (how could anyone be, when their spouse is either sad or worried 350 days a year?). BUT, I could stay in the marriage.

I cannot take supporting someone emotionally for 20 years with NO reciprocation of selflessness thrown my way.

Already did counseling, both of us individually. She won’t do couples counseling— probably because she is afraid she will be called out on her lack of contribution in our marriage.

We have one child in college, one in 10th grade, one in 7th.

My income- early military retirement pay— supports us.

I cook, clean, and take care of the kids.

FINALLY, here is the question:

Has any woman ever done hormone replacement therapy, and once again enjoyed sex with their spouse?

This is my last hope; to convince her to try it. I’ve never belittled her, or put her down for her lack of libido.

Anyone here helped by hormone therapy? Know anyone who has had it “fix” their marital dead bedroom?

It really crushes my spirit that my wife won’t even consider hormone therapy; that she is choosing to think that “maybe it will make me more depressed” INSTEAD OF, “maybe it will help my marriage.”

Thanks for reading, I’d appreciate anyone’s experiences/opinions.

**I should add: my wife was ALWAYS physically affectionate and sexual CONSTANTLY from when we met (she was 17,) until she was about age 25. She was diagnosed with PCOS, as well as generalized anxiety disorder. **


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

There is a long stretch from 25 to now. What did your relationship look like from 25 to 38.

I have not taken HRT. I"m not sure I would. It has increased cancer as a risk as well.

You want to fix your marriage. HRT isn't the only way to do that. She may have lower libido but that doesn't have to mean no sex. It may mean you have to initiate and she accepts. 

Does she not accept if you initiate? Does she understand a good time can be had even if in the beginning you weren't thinking about sex? Does she have a good time? Or is she mentally also adverse to sex? Or are you saying you don't want her and a relationship if she isn't all over you and the one to initiate?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

No point in taking HRT unless she is actually going through the menopause and she isn't. 41 is very young to have the menopause so even though she is having some peri-menopausal symptoms, the menopause probably won't happen for a few years yet. Plus you said she stopped being so sexual 16 years ago so how can it be that? 
Far far more likely to be the depression and anxiety with associated medication.


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## Hoping? (Dec 28, 2021)

After the birth of our 2nd daughter in 2004, sex went from 7 days a week to maybe 3-4. By the Birth of our 3rd daughter in 2009, it was down to once a week. Since then, maybe twice a month.

Let me be clear: I do NOT begrudge a woman with a young child for not wanting to have sex often! 

I UNDERSTAND the stressors in life; jobs, money, kids, illness and injury.

Here are the two main issues, COMPLETELY objectively:

My wife went from being voraciously affectionate, not just sexually, but always hugging, holding hands, kissing, etc, to DON’T TOUCH ME.

There was no affair. No rape or trauma. Her hormones are in the tank as shown by blood tests, AND she takes a ton of psych meds.

I have ALWAYS supported her, NEVER belittle her.

I gave up initiating sex a long time ago after constant rejection.

She initiates it very rarely. When she does, I know it’s only to “make me happy”— and of course it doesn’t, because I know she doesn’t FEEL desire for be without any normal hormones prompting her to do so.

Your comment, “if she isn’t all over you,” seems to imply you think I am some”typical guy” who only wants sex.

No.

I want to FEEL desired, and FEEL loved.

For 20 years I’ve encouraged my wife, been her personal chef, cheerleader, husband, spiritual encouragement— EVERYTHING.

But the fact is, she is a depressed, anxious person. She loves that I take care of her, but that’s about it, I think.


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## Hoping? (Dec 28, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> No point in taking HRT unless she is actually going through the menopause and she isn't. 41 is very young to have the menopause so even though she is having some peri-menopausal symptoms, the menopause probably won't happen for a while yet.


Her doctor confirmed that she IS in menopause, as of 6 months ago or so.


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## Hoping? (Dec 28, 2021)

I was caught up in typing, and should have typed that she IS in menopause….


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## Hoping? (Dec 28, 2021)

Now I gotta run to the grocery store…. Back in a bit :/


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Hoping? said:


> After the birth of our 2nd daughter in 2004, sex went from 7 days a week to maybe 3-4. By the Birth of our 3rd daughter in 2009, it was down to once a week. Since then, maybe twice a month.
> 
> Let me be clear: I do NOT begrudge a woman with a young child for not wanting to have sex often!
> 
> ...


No the comment isn't all over you wasn't some 'typical guy' though I have news for you, you are a typical guy. Typical guys wants sexual attention and want to be wanted. My point is women show love and feel love in different ways. She may not understand you when you say you want to feel loved. When I do things for my husband that is how I love him. When he takes care of me that is how I feel loved. Do I like sex sure but I could never have sex again and still feel loved if nothing else changed.

Many medications have side effects of lower libido. Have you two discussed this with her doctor? Have you overlooked the most common cause of women losing attraction for their spouse. The two of you still date? 

Do you spend time together without children AND without talking about children. Just being husband and wife not mom and dad? Does she feel like you are genuinely interested in her as a person and not just a care taker and sexual outlet?

You say she has refused counseling because she'll get called out. You realized good counseling will give you both something to think about and work on. Sound like you want counseling to straighten her out...... Counseling isn't going to make her gain attraction for you. It may help her understand your love language more.

Have you two explored the 5 love languages? Does she know yours? Do you know hers? You say you have discussed this with her. Was it a discussion or was it you telling her while you were upset? Have you thought about scheduling sex at least weekly? If she is in menopause her libido is likely lower. You are expecting her to go against nature and just magically have a sex drive. You've stopped initiating due to rejection but maybe she doesn't feel loved or attractive either. Traditionally women are trained that men are supposed to want us and make the first move. Have you thought about how that effects her mentally? Did you two discuss you not initiating? or did you just stop?

You also never answered several other prior questions about if she orgasms during sex, if you use lube, if you have any toys, if you've made any adjustments for this later in life change.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Don't worry though the divorce crew will stop by shortly and tell you to divorce her. Or threaten her. Works everytime.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

I am sad to tell you that I don't believe menopause makes women not want to be affectionate at all. Her excuse about her libido doesn't explain why she doesn't want to be near you or touch you for comfort or to comfort you.

If you keep meeting her needs but she doesn't care enough about you to reciprocate from her heart out of love, you are going to have to have a serious talk about this, not just the sex, but everything and set some boundaries. Or else your resentment is going to damage the love you feel for her.

I would tell her you want to go to couples counseling whether she wants to or not. You have taught her how to treat you and allowed this to go on far too long. She is going to lose her marriage if she continues to act like an entitled partner, and neither of you want that to happen.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

It's not a hormone problem, it's a personality problem. 

Hey doctor says she's in menopause at age 41??? That's over a decade earlier than normal. She has been without a period for 2 years?

I'm not sure I believe that.

Ay any rate, real menopause doesn't cause the issues you are describing.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You say you cook (and are her personal chef), clean, and your income comes from you. 

What does SHE do?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

What hormone replacement therapy can improve is a vagina whose walls are thinning and therefore painful and delicate. They're not a horny pill. They can for some help some of the moody symptoms of menopause. If someone was young and had just always not been very sexual, it would be a good thing to go to a gyn specializing in hormone therapy as opposed to an obstetrician who only specializes in delivering babies (my primary care doctor told me that). Then you get a hormone panel done when you're still young and find out if your hormones are on a normal spectrum.

Bioidentical hormone doctors are equipped to balance that out with topical hormones. They are more scientific about it and can get more specific about getting to a certain level but they're not going to make some woman above a normal estrogen level just to make her husband happy. Regular hormone therapists can prescribe hormones but they're not going to be as particular of a dose to bring levels to a certain place although you could retest and just make sure that they are not too high or low after you started taking them. 

But they just are not a horny pill. They can certainly make you feel more comfortable down below. But I have been on hormones seems like most of my life and it does not stop the aging process which changes your libido. With women it's mostly being happy and stimulated in other ways that makes a woman feel more sexual. It's just not a recipe that anyone can use and get the same result. As that article I posted mentions, it just usually falls off after people have been together for a while, more for women than for men.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Whether it's a result of menopause, PCOS, anxiety, normal life stress, loss of attraction to you, etc... your wife has said in no uncertain terms: "THAT side of our relationship is over. It will never return." 

So... now what? You can't force her into medical treatment. You can't get her to just flip a switch in her head and suddenly want wild sex with you. That chapter of her life with you is over.


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## Hoping? (Dec 28, 2021)

You all have made excellent points.

In no particular order:
Yes, we have used lube/toys.

She nearly ALWAYS has orgasms, she is nearly ALWAYS happy after we start having sex, but doesn’t want to begin to have sex.

Does she know I love her, that she isn’t an object to be used? Yes. I tell her ALL THE TIME what I value about her. Her creativity, her as a mother, her intellect, her sense of humor, beauty, etc.

Do I know her love language? Yes. Gifts and words of encouragement. Does it EVER make her treat me differently or affect her at all? No.

The nail in the coffin were these comments:

(paraphrasing)
“She has made it clear that that part of your life is over”
“You can’t MAKE someone desire you if they don’t.”

That’s what I needed to hear I suppose.

Thanks all, take care.

I truly appreciate your time.

It saddens me that life is what it is.

Well, maybe life after this one is better


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Why would menopause keep her from holding your hand and hugging you? That doesn’t make sense!

She doesn’t act on those things because she doesn’t want to.
If it’s important to you - and she won’t make effort for YOUR benefit… just know she is selfish and self serving. In that case divorce her.

Or the only other option is to live without sex and affection. Again, she’s selfish for not considering how this affects you abd your feelings.

Does her disrespecting you show up in other areas of your marriage?

Does she work full time?


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

No. I've never heard of hormone therapy fixing a marriage that was sexless for 15 years before the woman even hit menopause.

You say you're being blunt with her, but she's being blunt with you too. With her actions. You're just not listening.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

This thread triggers me, I am so sorry for what you're going through. I'm also retired military. For my ex-wife, there were other factors that I had no clue about that led to a decades-long sexless marriage. Sure, I could leave some advice but if you have time, go through my thread on Considering Divorce. I've gone from a sexless Hell to an entirely different life in the last few years and I don't regret it in the least. Best of luck brother.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Hoping? said:


> Her doctor confirmed that she IS in menopause, as of 6 months ago or so.


Have her periods stopped? 

This has been going on way before this though. As I said already it's far more likely to be the meds and anxiety etc.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

gaius said:


> No. I've never heard of hormone therapy fixing a marriage that was sexless for 15 years before the woman even hit menopause.
> 
> You say you're being blunt with her, but she's being blunt with you too. With her actions. You're just not listening.


He didn't say it was sexless.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Hoping? said:


> I cook, clean, and take care of the kids.


OP, get the book "Married Man's Sex Life Primer" and "No more Mr. Nice Guy". You think a woman really wants a man who defines himself in terms of babysitting, cooking and cleaning or lists this as things that should make him attractive to her?

What modern society told you women want actually makes their panties dryer than the Sahara desert. It's not your fault, you've been taught the PC way and therefore you have been taught a bunch of detritus.

Take time to re-educate yourself as to what in a man turns a woman on. You'll be surprised at how much of what you have been taught would do so and result in you being a good husband to a woman is actually totally opposite of what women really want.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

women i have talked to who do use bioidentical seeds for HRT report that they get horny like teenage girls going to their prom!

but, lets not kid ourselves....HRT therapy CAN have side effects. One is exacerbating some heart conditions due to thickening of the blood.

So her concerns might be valid. best thing i can suggest is you research her specific concerns.

Also her doctor will be a big factor....a lot of doctors do not consider the elevated sexual desire a valid reason to take on the possible side effects. others do.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I could have written your post word-for-word several years ago. 

Menopause, anxiety, chronic migraines, a variety of meds, some relationship issues, life stressors etc all came to head and the person I married built a home, family and life with basically disappeared a number of years ago. 

Actually a more accurate description is like the movie Invasion of the Body Snatchers where she was replaced by a Pod Person that looks like my wife but is actually an alien replicant that has no emotions for me any more. 

Now to address your question - when my wife's hormones and reproductive parts were all going haywire, she ended up being diagnosed and treated for what was called Pre-Menstrual Dysmorphic Disorder. She was basically "stuck" in PMS 24/7 for several months straight until her doctor, our marital counselor and a female internal medicine doctor finally convinced her she needed intervention or she would end up in a psyche ward, divorced, unemployed and possible even in jail. She was close to getting committed. 

She was treated with a uterine ablation which put her into menopause and for a number of months was treated with some concoction of HRT including testosterone injections. 
During that time, I will say that it was like living on a porn movie set. Her libido came back like a wildfire. But it was only for a handful of months and when she was taken off those meds, it all came crashing down and the Pod Person Replicant was left in her place. 
We ended up back in MC again with a different counselor and unlike the first counselor that implored her to seek psychiatric care, this one simply got in her face and told her I had one foot out the door and that if she did not want to be a single mother, she needed to wake up and accept that I existed and that I had needs and that if she didn't want to even acknowledge that I had needs, that I was going to walk. 

She was livid and basically refused to go back to MC again but she did capitulate and at least came to the negotiation table and we hashed out what each of us needed to stay under the same roof. 

The kids were minors at that time and they are both in their upper teens and will soon be out of the house. We will see what happens then. 

Here is a few random thoughts for you in no particular order - menopause, anxiety, meds, relationship issues etc basically killed my wife's libido and attraction and desire for me and pretty significantly changed her entire persona. But she still seems to have at least some need for interaction and some affection and hugs and will hold hands etc. Occasionally she will even want a quickie where she closes her eyes goes into some kind of her own world until she has an orgasm and then is done and tells me to hurry up and finish so she can go on about her day. 

If I have been a good boy and have done my chores and haven't made her mad in the last several days and all the household chores are done and the kids aren't around the dog has been brushed and the cat boxes are empty and all the trash has been taken out and the dishes and the laundry are all put away, if I were to ask nicely for a handjob or something, she might comply if she wasn't too tired or wasn't having one of her weekly migraines etc. But she'd be looking at the clock and telling me to hurry up. Then the second I was done, she bolts to the shower to decontaminate. so it's all really more work that it is worth. 

I am starting to reluctantly realise that that part of our life together is over. Since she will technically consent to having some sexual contact under certain conditions, that has prolonged my hopium addiction. 

A part of me thinks we did the right thing by working out a compromise and remained together when the kids were younger. 

But frankly, another part of me wishes we had just torn off the band aid and moved on. 

The hormone therapy really helped her keep from going clinically insane at the time everything was going haywire. But if I had met her in the state she is in now, I would not have even asked her out for a coffee date, nor would she have accepted said date if I had asked now. 

In many ways our marriage is functional. We maintain a home. We parent the kids well. We are polite and courteous towards each other. If I initiate it, we will even give a one second hug with her patting me on the back to disengage and we will give each other a grandma peck when we leave for work in the morning. And she probably would have some kind of sexual contact if I have been a good boy, ask nicely and none of her shows were on at the time or there wasn't anything more interesting going on on Facebook at the time. So I technically cannot say it is a loveless or even completely sexless marriage. But it is a lustless and passionless marriage.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

So that was my saga and my experience with HRT. 

What I find concerning and forboding about your situation is your wife's refusal to seek marital counseling. I fear that you are correct in that her refusal to go is based on her unwillingness to be held accountable in any way. She wants to hold on to her belief that your sexual needs are irrelevant and that you should continue to be a good little boy and good provider and continue to feed and house her and do your chores even though you aren't getting what you want out of the arrangement (I think they call an organism that lives off of a host organism but provides no benefit to the hose a parasite) 

I think it is also an ominous sign that she shuns any attempt at nonsexual physical affection like hugs, holding hands etc. 

Menopause can often lower a woman's sex drive and it can make PIV uncomfortable despite using lube etc, but menopause in and of itself does not reduce a person's need for touch and affection and human contact. 

She may be fearing that physical affection will turn you on and you will pressure her for sex, so she resists anything that may make you want to have sex. 

That is something that can be addressed and dealt with in marital counseling if she would go. 

Another point to make about HRT is many people are remiss to take drugs and alter their body chemistry and expose themselves to potential side effects because their partner wants them to be hornier. If she doesn't want to have sex, then she won't want to take drugs so that you will theoretically have more sex which is something she already does not want to do - do you see the contradiction there?

And other thing that concerns me in these situations is if there are underlying relationship or attraction issues taking place, if HRT did rekindle her libido, there is no guarantee that it would rekindle her desire to have sex with YOU. 

She may get horny on HRT but she may get horny for Sven From Yoga or neighbor guy down the street or one of her ex boyfriends or something. 

My recommendation is to make a more concerted effort to get her into MC. From there you may be able to open up more constructive means of conflict resolution and open up more effective lines of communication and at least be able to communicate each of your needs and concerns in a more effective manner and see if you are able to work out some kind of compromise that will work for both of you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Dictum Veritas said:


> OP, get the book "Married Man's Sex Life Primer" and "No more Mr. Nice Guy". You think a woman really wants a man who defines himself in terms of babysitting, cooking and cleaning or lists this as things that should make him attractive to her?
> 
> What modern society told you women want actually makes their panties dryer than the Sahara desert. It's not your fault, you've been taught the PC way and therefore you have been taught a bunch of detritus.
> 
> Take time to re-educate yourself as to what in a man turns a woman on. You'll be surprised at how much of what you have been taught would do so and result in you being a good husband to a woman is actually totally opposite of what women really want.


Those are good books IMHO. 

The caveat with MMSLP however is even Athol Kay himself says in the book that the principles of attraction and desire are geared towards intact, fertile women and that basically all bets are off with a menopausal woman and her sexual response or lack thereof. 

Things that may make a 30 year old, fertile woman leave snail tracks on the floor might make a post-menopausal woman shake her head and go back to watching her funny cat videos.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Hoping? said:


> You all have made excellent points.
> 
> In no particular order:
> Yes, we have used lube/toys.
> ...


Dude, cut out the self-defeating victim crap.

You came here for some perspective and you got it. Recognizing and respecting reality is necessary for assessing your options and deciding on the best course of action to improve your situation (either within your marriage or not).

And the key concept here is action. The last thing you need to do is meekly and pathetically accept a sexless marriage. You need to take control of the situation decide what is / is not acceptable to you and start acting in your own best interest.

At the end of the day, your wife is not attracted to you and does not desire you as a man. You can’t make her desire you, but you can make yourself more desirable (either for her, or for the next woman / women).

And that’s not just physical, although that’s important. Are you fun, flirty, confident with her? Are you leading your marriage/relationship dynamic or is she?
Women respect and are attracted to strength and leadership, and are generally turned off by weak, passive, emotionally reactive/needy men. Not saying this is your case, but in most sexless marriages these dynamics are often out of whack.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Of the hundreds/thousands of men who come here that are just like you only about .000001 percent get things turned around into a loving, passionate, and sexual marriage.

You are wasting your time. The sooner you realize that the better off you will be.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

You've married my wife...  Did her lack of libido coincide with her taking anti-depressants? My wife's libido totally disappeared when she started taking ADs and that was the end of our sexual relationship, as we knew it, replaced by endless excuses, and she was never ever in the mood. My advice would be: don't push her and try and solve the problem together. That said, if she doesn't resolve her anxiety and depression issues so she doesn't have to take ADs, her libido will never come back and you will be stuck in your situation for the rest of your life. I don't think the hormone therapy will do anything. Her mind is totally occupied by her anxiety. I'm afraid if your wife doesn't want to help herself, you have very little choice. Maybe you can try and be a supporting husband (not like I did) and she might want more sex with you. Or not.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Dictum Veritas said:


> OP, get the book "Married Man's Sex Life Primer" and "No more Mr. Nice Guy". You think a woman really wants a man who defines himself in terms of babysitting, cooking and cleaning or lists this as things that should make him attractive to her?
> 
> What modern society told you women want actually makes their panties dryer than the Sahara desert. It's not your fault, you've been taught the PC way and therefore you have been taught a bunch of detritus.
> 
> Take time to re-educate yourself as to what in a man turns a woman on. You'll be surprised at how much of what you have been taught would do so and result in you being a good husband to a woman is actually totally opposite of what women really want.


I think you - and many other posters here - missed the fact that she is depressed. The OP even calls it "mental illness" She is not doing it on purpose. It's an illness, but maybe you believe it's just ********.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> I could have written your post word-for-word several years ago.
> 
> Menopause, anxiety, chronic migraines, a variety of meds, some relationship issues, life stressors etc all came to head and the person I married built a home, family and life with basically disappeared a number of years ago.
> 
> ...


off topic, but boy are you a Saint for not having left her! 
I can see a volatile marriage with ups and downs, but it sounds like yours is 99% downs!
You need to find a better woman! 

I offer you this quote: "Life is too short to drink bad wine" -- James Suckling, wine critic


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> I think you - and many other posters here - missed the fact that she is depressed. The OP even calls it "mental illness" She is not doing it on purpose. It's an illness, but maybe you believe it's just ******.


depressed? or some other more serious mental disorder?

he has put in the hours trying to fix it. she has NOT responded.

not sure if it is the pressure of Covid, or other social unrest of our time, but people who are a little crazy are suddenly going full-in batshit crazy. It is REALLY really hard to deal with, or cure, such people.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Hoping? said:


> I am at my wit’s end.
> 
> I am 47 year old man, married for 23 years.
> 
> ...


My wife started HRT when she was 51, but not to fix her libido but the commonly known symptoms like night sweats and hot flashes. After 25 years under care of gyno she was diagnosed at 76 with BC, so stopped all hormones. Since then no sign of any problems though her blood E is below the lower test range. None of the hormone gyrations had any effect on her libido or ability to be intimate. But, every person is different. 

Personally, I would want the doctor to lead. In retrospect facing BC, I probably should have pushed back more on the wife being on HRT for so long. But your wife is the one who needs to have agency over what does into her body. If she knows that her desire isn't what she *wants* it to be, she ought to be the one to use physicians and psychologists to work the problem. IMO, the more you push the more the problem is accentuated. IMO, female sexuality is way more complex interplay of a lot of factors than male sexuality. We men are pretty much a box with a switch which is easily turned on at any time of day or night. Most women more complicated? (Says the guy who has only experience with one woman lol) 

Anxiety meds will for sure mess up Libido. She needs to talk with her doctors about the problems. Our society IMO medicate at drop of a hat, often side effects are worse than what is being treated.

Maybe some counseling would do more to straighten things out than her using hormone replacement? One thing for sure, if she is going through menopause you are going to need some patience and empathize with her. The mood swings are a real thing. 

Even with HRT there are swings in mood. My wife would on occasions snap at me or get an attitude, then 30 minutes later come to me in tears apologizing and asking forgiveness.


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## atourist (Dec 31, 2021)

Hoping? said:


> It really crushes my spirit that my wife won’t even consider hormone therapy; that she is choosing to think that “maybe it will make me more depressed” INSTEAD OF, “maybe it will help my marriage.”


As a man I obviously cannot claim to be qualified to write about HRT, but I must say that we have a friend who has taken HRT, and although we are not close enough for her to reveal personal details (to either me or my wife) we do know she has had major problems with depression, which is completely out of character, so it should not be taken lightly.

I would certainly not expect my wife to take it to try to find a 'cure' for sexual problems, no matter how much the lack of physical love is impacting on the marriage.

I overcame my wife's waning (but not non-existent) libido after the menopause by doing the research for her, and found that buying the right kind of lube was a huge help; we had hardly needed it before, but after the menopause, soreness and tightness from penetration were putting her off even thinking about sex. 

In the end, though, as in all phases of marriage, it is mostly about finding compromises, not putting too much pressure on each other, and recognising that the older you get, the less likely you are to want the same thing at the same time. Staying positive, being patient and being willing to find new ways to have fun together has worked wonders for us.

If I am honest, I would still like my wife to be more lovey-dovey and touchy-feely around the house, but it isn't really in her character, and because we make up for it with some lovely caring, intimate and even adventurous sessions in bed, and we are both increasingly unlikely to be held back by silly inhibitions, I'm not complaining.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Talker67 said:


> It is REALLY really hard to deal with, or cure, such people.


I know... I failed.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> He didn't say it was sexless.


Two times a month where the wife is like “ok I guess” is sexless. I told my wife if that didn’t drastically improve we were done.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ccpowerslave said:


> Two times a month where the wife is like “ok I guess” is sexless. I told my wife if that didn’t drastically improve we were done.


yes, twice a month is pretty much sexless, although I would pick good quality passionate sex twice a month than lacklustre every day sex...


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> I know... I failed.


you did not "fail". to tried to fix the unfixable. i am sure it was a good effort!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

all this talk about adding HRT therapy....
the FIRST step is to get your hormone levels tested. What you think might be low hormones, may test out to be normal levels, and the solution would be found in some other place.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Your wife already told you tearfully and outright that she isn’t interested as well as refusing any type of intervention. At some point you need to either accept the words coming out her mouth or continue to believe there is some type of magic unicorn piss that will “fix her”. Love her for who she crazy insane is as you already have been or give up and move on.
You can’t change people like that .... if you can then why don’t you just change yourself into someone that doesn’t want sex ...... see.... you can’t do it !!!! The answer is that simple.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Talker67 said:


> you did not "fail". to tried to fix the unfixable. i am sure it was a good effort!


It wasn't a good effort, actually. I got it completely wrong and made things a lot worse. Granted, I didn't have all the info (like the severity of the issue), but I pushed in the wrong direction (even doing the 180 as advised on TAM!) and our marriage sank. This is why it's important for the OP to understand that solving the mental issues in collaborative way takes precedence on everything else. Don't mistreat a mentally ill person. It's not their fault.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Mr.Married said:


> Your wife already told you tearfully and outright that she isn’t interested as well as refusing any type of intervention. At some point you need to either accept the words coming out her mouth or continue to believe there is some type of magic unicorn piss that will “fix her”. Love her for who she crazy insane is as you already have been or give up and move on.
> You can’t change people like that .... if you can then why don’t you just change yourself into someone that doesn’t want sex ...... see.... you can’t do it !!!! The answer is that simple.


Totally agree with this.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

My wife (48) tried BHRT pellets a few years ago and quit. And then tried the gel and quit. She’s peri menopausal and hasn’t had a period in two months. Initial blood work showed she was close to zero T.

On the pellets, she was horny a lot, way more confident, less anxiety, focused, lots of energy, would dress up, etc. Her orgasms were very strong and right before sex would have wet spots in her panties. We were both on HRT but still averaged once a week.

Her concerns were facial hair, enlarged clitoris, blood clotting and cancer. I saw was her plucking her chin more.

Telling someone that part of their life is over is VERY dangerous in that if one can unilaterally do that then, where does it end? If I retired at 48 and “that part of our life was over” and she couldn’t work either she’d be livid. Same for if I didn’t want have engaging conversations with her, be her ‘plus 1’, or ever wanted to visit our kids again. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Everyone is talking about menopause. This woman is 41 years old. I'm finding it really hard to believe she's in menopause. Average age of menopause is the US is A DECADE older than she is.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Livvie said:


> Everyone is talking about menopause. This woman is 41 years old. I'm finding it really hard to believe she's in menopause. Average age of menopause is the US is A DECADE older than she is.


Yes, this happens. Also note that she has PCOS... this throws the whole hormonal makeup into a complete tailspin.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I'm sure it's really rare to be in menopause at 41. I don’t believe it.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

All of the many volumes I have read on this suggest if there are physical issues to try and address those first. 

Anti-depression meds are known for killing libido. Unfortunately if you need to be on them, you need to be on them. I know from talking to folks IRL it’s hard to find the combination that works for some folks so changing it not something they’ll be excited about and there’s no guarantee it will do anything positive for their libido.

Menopause is a spooky one. My wife’s doctor confirmed she is in perimenopause and I can tell you this month there was a week where she felt like she was going to have her period the entire time but it came the week after that (late). No sex was happening. If she is repeatedly busted and uncomfortable then back to the doctor for her.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Everyone is talking about menopause. This woman is 41 years old. I'm finding it really hard to believe she's in menopause. Average age of menopause is the US is A DECADE older than she is.


OP said doctor diagnosed menopause. One question of that doctor would be why so young? Tumor on ovary? Tumor on pituitary? Maybe more investigation warranted


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## Welsh15 (Feb 24, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> You've married my wife...  Did her lack of libido coincide with her taking anti-depressants? My wife's libido totally disappeared when she started taking ADs and that was the end of our sexual relationship, as we knew it, replaced by endless excuses, and she was never ever in the mood. My advice would be: don't push her and try and solve the problem together. That said, if she doesn't resolve her anxiety and depression issues so she doesn't have to take ADs, her libido will never come back and you will be stuck in your situation for the rest of your life. I don't think the hormone therapy will do anything. Her mind is totally occupied by her anxiety. I'm afraid if your wife doesn't want to help herself, you have very little choice. Maybe you can try and be a supporting husband (not like I did) and she might want more sex with you. Or not.


Agreed, its the anti-depressants. The strong ones will kill your libido and any lust for life. Put you in a "I don't care what happens in the world or my relationships" state...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Rus47 said:


> OP said doctor diagnosed menopause. One question of that doctor would be why so young? Tumor on ovary? Tumor on pituitary? Maybe more investigation warranted


My guess is that the doctor said perimenopause, which is normal for 40s, And is a completely horse of a different color than actual menopause. Neither of which, however, cause the behaviors this woman is exhibiting. 

Yes, an actual menopause at 41 would be of special concern and warrant tests to figure out why.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Livvie said:


> Everyone is talking about menopause. This woman is 41 years old. I'm finding it really hard to believe she's in menopause. Average age of menopause is the US is A DECADE older than she is.


My wife was mid 40s when this all started.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Your wife's health doesn't sound good to *begin* with. Now you want to foist HRT on top of it? It's risky and the risk of cancer is higher in women on HRT.

I wouldn't do HRT just to get my libido back. That price tag is WAY too high.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Lack of libido still doesn’t explain why she won’t hug you or hold your hand.

What does she say about not showing you any affection? Affection is completely different than lack of sex.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Beach123 said:


> Lack of libido still doesn’t explain why she won’t hug you or hold your hand.
> 
> What does she say about not showing you any affection? Affection is completely different than lack of sex.


Additional questions along those lines:

Is she afraid that you would interpret any random physical affection she shows as her initiating sex?

Do you show her random physical affection with no attempt at initiating sex?

Is she randomly physically affectionate with other people? Like her children, other relatives or friends?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Beach123 said:


> Lack of libido still doesn’t explain why she won’t hug you or hold your hand.
> 
> What does she say about not showing you any affection? Affection is completely different than lack of sex.


Sometimes when someone's libido decreases, they may still have a want/need for physical affection and nonsexual contact. 

However with displays of affection and physical contact, the HL partner can become aroused and want things to progress to sex and the LL partner will feel pressured and anxious. As such they can often find themselves resisting any forms of affection and contact in attempt to prevent things from escalating and feeling pressured for sex even if they themselves do wish to have physical affection. 

This is something that can be addressed and worked out with therapy and counseling.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Your wife's health doesn't sound good to *begin* with. Now you want to foist HRT on top of it? It's risky and the risk of cancer is higher in women on HRT.
> 
> I wouldn't do HRT just to get my libido back. That price tag is WAY too high.


I think it goes beyond that. When the HL partner pressures the LL to take medications to do something they don't want to do in the first place, it is almost guaranteed to backfire. 

Replace the word sex with mountain climbing. Let's say a couple used to go mountain climbing together and it was something they both enjoyed and was very bonding to them. 

But time and changes in health status and physical fitness etc cause one partner to begin to lose interest and the physical stamina and hard work and effort into climbing mountains anymore. 

However the other partner is still fit and vigorous and still has a passion for climbing mountains. He/she still wants to continue mountain climbing together and sees it as an important part of their connection and partnership. 

The other simply does not have the energy and motivation stamina to put in all the work and effort and preparation and they no longer find it enjoyable and in fact find it uncomfortable and stressful and begins to resent the others constant pressure. 

When the other partner then starts to tell them that if they were to take certain medications and treatments and therapies and subject themselves to side effects and risks and expenses that they would then feel more energetic and vigorous and that they would want to climb mountains with them again. 

To the fit and vigorous party, it seems like the perfect solution - get some shots or take some pills and viola', they are back in the mountain climbing spirit again. 

But to the one who's lost his/her mojo, It is just an added expense and effort that poses additional risks and hazards and work in order to potentially want to do something they no longer want to do in the first place. 

It makes no sense when looked at in those terms.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I wouldn't do HRT just to get my libido back. That price tag is WAY too high.


I guess it depends whether a person thinks their libido is important to them and their partner. From a personal standpoint, when my ability started lagging my wife's, I was willing to move heaven and earth to get it back. This despite the possible risk of reigniting Prostate cancer from two decades ago. Had difficulty finding a doctor who would prescribe HRT because of that medical history. HRT solved the problem. For me the price tag was WAY too high to NOT get things back. If not able to be intimate with the wife, would just as soon be in a pine box anyway. 

We got married in the first place because we really really loved one another's company. Intimacy has always been at the top of our list. Now perhaps someday as our age advances, we mutually decide that health issues don't allow us to be intimate anymore. I will just say that the health issues would need to be pretty major for that to happen, like one or both of us are in a coma.

Everyone has different priorities. If intimacy is at about bottom of the list, then no effort at all seems too much. If it is at the top of the list, there is no effort that is too much.



oldshirt said:


> But to the one who's lost his/her mojo, It is just an added expense and effort that poses additional risks and hazards and work in order to potentially want to do something they no longer want to do in the first place.


If they just don't want to "do it" in the first place, wouldn't it be more ethical to lay that on the table, tell the partner that the relationship is NEVER returning because the mojo is gone and they have no desire to get it back? Then the partner has the agency of knowing where things stand and can decide where they want THEIR life to go? Isn't it abuse to behave in a way to raise false hope that things might someday improve?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rus47 said:


> .
> 
> 
> If they just don't want to "do it" in the first place, wouldn't it be more ethical to lay that on the table, tell the partner that the relationship is NEVER returning because the mojo is gone and they have no desire to get it back? Then the partner has the agency of knowing where things stand and can decide where they want THEIR life to go? Isn't it abuse to behave in a way to raise false hope that things might someday improve?


The way I was reading the OP's posts, it sounds to me like she has already done that.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> The way I was reading the OP's posts, it sounds to me like she has already done that.


I'll reread. All I saw was she didn't want HRT because of fearing making her anxiety worse, certainly valid fear. When he asked if she wanted to get her mojo back she told him yes. I didn't see where she gave him a hard "no", "don't every want to do you again ever".

Seems the OP gave up awhile ago, when someone told him the situation was hopeless and intimacy was "Never coming back".. I always recoil whenever someone uses "always" or "never", both encompass a very long time. How could anyone know it either are true?

I personally think he shouldn't focus on pushing HRT. Can't use a hammer to fix every problem. Seems to me there is a psychological component, especially with anxiety being a major issue for his wife. So therapy of one sort or another, focused to getting off of the meds, might go a long way toward making her a happier, secure, and more amorous person. Depressed and anxious people have no space in their head for anything beyond their problems.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Have you simply asked her why the heck she won’t show you basic affection?
Even if her libido is low - she can certainly be capable of showing you some form of affection!
Have you told her specifically what she could be doing to make you feel loved by her?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> My wife was mid 40s when this all started.


She was in full on menopause by 45? That's very early, as well. Average age for menopause is 51. Did she have tests done to rule out causes that might have needed medical attention?


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Hoping? said:


> I am at my wit’s end.
> 
> I am 47 year old man, married for 23 years.
> 
> ...


My wife's mom, around 62 yrs old, did it and from what I heard from my wife, her and her husband did it all the time like bunnies. They did it so much, she told my wife like details of it, (and she never talks like tha)t. Unfortunately she got high blood pressure from it and had to stop. They don't do it anymore..


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Cromer said:


> This thread triggers me, I am so sorry for what you're going through. I'm also retired military. For my ex-wife, there were other factors that I had no clue about that led to a decades-long sexless marriage. Sure, I could leave some advice but if you have time, go through my thread on Considering Divorce. I've gone from a sexless Hell to an entirely different life in the last few years and I don't regret it in the least. Best of luck brother.


Read your story. Like OP in this thread you had no clue of why XW wouldnt have sex until you dropped the hammer. Maybe default for any man with a dead bedroom is that there is another dude in the mix. Make the wife prove that isn't the case, and dont tolerate months let alone years without the problem being fixed by her.

OP, if you are still around, read the story and compare to your own experience.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ccpowerslaost: 20442369 said:


> Two times a month where the wife is like “ok I guess” is sexless. I told my wife if that didn’t drastically improve we were done.


I call sexless no sex.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Your wife's health doesn't sound good to *begin* with. Now you want to foist HRT on top of it? It's risky and the risk of cancer is higher in women on HRT.
> 
> I wouldn't do HRT just to get my libido back. That price tag is WAY too high.


According to a doctor I spoke to the risks for cancer are only very slightly elevated.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> According to a doctor I spoke to the risks for cancer are only very slightly elevated.


My research says75% increased chance.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

My wife is a breast cancer survivor, and both of us agree hormone replacement therapy isn’t worth the risk.

Anyway the OPs “problems” are extremely likely to be a consequence of sheer disinterest in wanting to play with him, helped by mental health issues and medication. So hormones aren’t going to suddenly make his wife want to share sex with him.


That said from experience, menopause certainly doesn’t mean a certain end of a rich shared sex life or desire for the same. 😉


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> According to a doctor I spoke to the risks for cancer are only very slightly elevated.


When done correctly, there isn't much risk for cancer with HRT. Whenever people first started getting on hormones they were on estrogen only in the early years and that was what caused the risk. Now they know that you have to have people both on estrogen and progesterone, which greatly minimizes the risk. I've been on them for decades. So a lot of the cancer scare about it goes back before they knew what they were doing with the hormones. 

Plus there are all kinds of hormone delivery methods now and you don't even have to take a pill if you don't want to. A patch or a bioidentical cream and I understand there's even more than that now well accomplish the same thing with no risk.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Yeah you need some of that unicorn piss dude I’m telling ya !!!! BAM !!!!!!!! She gonna be backin’ that thang down like a dump truck yo !!!!!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> When done correctly, there isn't much risk for cancer with HRT. Whenever people first started getting on hormones they were on estrogen only in the early years and that was what caused the risk. Now they know that you have to have people both on estrogen and progesterone, which greatly minimizes the risk. I've been on them for decades. So a lot of the cancer scare about it goes back before they knew what they were doing with the hormones.
> 
> Plus there are all kinds of hormone delivery methods now and you don't even have to take a pill if you don't want to. A patch or a bioidentical cream and I understand there's even more than that now well accomplish the same thing with no risk.


Absolutely. I have always been on patches since a hysterectomy, which are far safer. You need a much lower dose and I am only in 1/4 of the dose I was on in the beginning anyway. The cancer risk is minimal. 
If you have no womb you dont need progesterone, that's usually given to help prevent cancer of the womb I believe. 
HRT has many health benefits so it's swings and roundabouts.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Absolutely. I have always been on patches since a hysterectomy, which are far safer. You need a much lower dose and I am only in 1/4 of the dose I was on in the beginning anyway. The cancer risk is minimal.
> If you have no womb you dont need progesterone, that's usually given to help prevent cancer of the womb I believe.
> HRT has many health benefits so it's swings and roundabouts.


Do you find that your levels and mood stay fairly stable or can you tell when something is starting to get unbalanced?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> Do you find that your levels and mood stay fairly stable or can you tell when something is starting to get unbalanced?


I have been on HRT patches for 19 years gradually decreasing the dose. I have been on the lowest dose for about 10 years now. 
My mood is usually stable.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> I call sexless no sex.


That’s a shame.

The literature which can easily be found on a google search defines dead bedroom or sexless clinically as 6x/year or less but uses the term “sexless” to refer to any relationship with a discrepancy that causes a serious relationship issue.

Most men would probably consider 2x a month dead or sexless.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ccpowerslave said:


> Most men would probably consider 2x a month dead or sexless.


Me...  but still better than nothing, especially if the sex is good/quality... to me "sexless" is like once a moth of luck lustre starfish sex...


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> That’s a shame.
> 
> The literature which can easily be found on a google search defines dead bedroom or sexless clinically as 6x/year or less but uses the term “sexless” to refer to any relationship with a discrepancy that causes a serious relationship issue.
> 
> Most men would probably consider 2x a month dead or sexless.


Less than once a week to me is same as zero. I would conclude at that frequency that the wife would just as soon have nothing to do with me. So that thought would kill any remaining interest on my part. Who wants to share intimacy with another who isn't interested? Might as well not bother. Six times a year? Every other month? How can the couple remember how?

What is the point of remaining in a sexless relationship? I know, finances and the kids. Life is too short to be miserable


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Rus47 said:


> What is the point of remaining in a sexless relationship? I know, finances and the kids. Life is too short to be miserable


You can still have your fun interests and hobbies and live pretty much separate lives, without getting the financial hit, until you can go.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> You can still have your fun interests and hobbies and live pretty much separate lives, without getting the financial hit, until you can go.


The problem is, my resentment would destroy any possibility of living in same house as someone who would treat me that way. I would despise them and not want to breath the same air.

Someone said divorce is expensive because it is worth it. I agree.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

I think my wife had that PCOS. Before her hystorectomy, her periods were all iver. She had anxiety, anger and depression. Dr referred her to psych Dr. who diagnosed her bi-polar. Dr stated some people the manic phase can be anger/agitation.

She got checked due to painful sex and bad periods and she had ovarian cysts. Scheduled biopsy and she flatlined on the table when starting endo proceedure. Anestesiologist pushed drugs to reverse anasthesia and started chest compressions and brought her back. 

The OB/GYN referred her to Oncologist at Womens Cancer Center at Baylor Medical Center of Dallas. Wife decided she wanted it all gone. Complete hystorectomy. She said best decision she ever made. 

The Oncologist said many women are misdiagnosed as bi-polar and put on psych meds. That crap is whacked! The cysts were causing wild hormone swings. My wife had depression, aggitation(bad), sex 3x month, anxiety, feeling worthless and like me/kids would be better off if she just left.

Wife had complete hystorectomy at 45? Oncologist put her on estrodial(dissolves under tongue) and bio identical testosterone and progesterone. Dr said you body had it prior and you need to replace (all)what has been lost. All 3 hormones. Progesterone regulates the test/estrogen ratio(helps prevent dominance of one or the other). It also regulated water retention in the body and restful sleep at night.

The oncologist said if you do not have Dr that will prescribe them then find one that will. My wife's hormones are now level as a Kansas highway. Eager sex at least 5x week, NO problems with wetness. Dont think we have had heated argument but maybe 3x in past 7 yrs. She is better than the 27 yr old woman i fell in love with.

Like OTR said above...the cancer issues are mainly the synthetic hormones of old. HRT is just replacing what you had to begin with but are now lacking. My wife said it was the best thing she ever did.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Rus47 said:


> The problem is, my resentment would destroy any possibility of living in same house as someone who would treat me that way. I would despise them and not want to breath the same air.


You get used to it, eventually. But you need a big house...


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

What would a “cure” that you referenced look like for you?

Are we talking mainly sex? Or are we talking physical closeness and touching would suffice?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Divinely Favored said:


> I think my wife had that PCOS. Before her hystorectomy, her periods were all iver. She had anxiety, anger and depression. Dr referred her to psych Dr. who diagnosed her bi-polar. Dr stated some people the manic phase can be anger/agitation.
> 
> She got checked due to painful sex and bad periods and she had ovarian cysts. Scheduled biopsy and she flatlined on the table when starting endo proceedure. Anestesiologist pushed drugs to reverse anasthesia and started chest compressions and brought her back.
> 
> ...


Having a hysterectomy and going onto HRT was a great decision for me as well at 46. 
Made me feel a lot better.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Hoping? said:


> Your comment, “if she isn’t all over you,” seems to imply you think I am some”typical guy” who only wants sex.
> 
> No.
> 
> I want to FEEL desired, and FEEL loved.


Not only are you a typical guy that wants sex, you want to sense your own sexual desire enthusiastically reciprocated. So that means that not only you want sex, but you are a bit needy about the terms of which you are willing to accept it. 

As you age sex transitions. When you are young it is about an erection and friction. As you get older it is more about emotion and lotion. Stop trying to reclaim your youth and learn how to make love to your wife emotionally. You need to be present, vulnerable, relaxed, and allow her to see you emotionally as you are. You need to allow her to do the same and accept for for who she is now and not who she used to be. Sparks will fly, but they are rather different. It is kind of like rubbing your minds together with unconditional emotional acceptance for one another in order to achieve ecstasy. Ultimately it is what you want, but you are going about it bass ackwards.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Hoping? said:


> I am at my wit’s end.
> 
> I am 47 year old man, married for 23 years.
> 
> ...


A year or two after my youngest was born my wife basically had zero libido. We still had sex regularly but she had no real desire to. What was very good for us was the fact my wife was as bothered by this as I was. She actually reached out to Dr. Jen Berman who had a radio show about womens sexual health on Sirius. To our surprise she actually got a call from Dr. Jen a couple of weeks later and spoke to her for a while, gave her some basic practical health advice (diet excersise etc. ) and told her to try reading some erotic fiction even watch some porn and masturbate. The idea was to keep sexuality more present in her mind. Then she set her up with a doctor in Boston (where we were living) who was partnering with her to do research of treating low libido in women with testosterone. 

The doc gave her a scrip for testosterone gel which helped a little but not much, then he tried giving her 20mg every 10 days of testosterone injection. Didn't notice much at first then around week three it was like someone kidnapped my wife and replaced her with a deranged sex robot. It was exhausting, 3-4 times a day. It actually became a problem because she couldn't focus because she was so horny all the time. It calmed down after a few months. 

Now couple of things as a caveat here. 1. There are very few doctors out there that will prescribe testosterone shots for women in their 30s early 40s and taking hormones should only be done under the close instruction and supervision of a doctor. 2. My wife was highly self motivated to address the issue she wasn't doing it to make me happy, I wasn't complaining about anything, she was doing it for herself. The latter point is the most important part of this whole story, without that being a fact I don't think anything would have helped significantly.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

I did not have time to read the 5 pages of replies to this post, but I can my wife took bio-identical testosterone shots for 2 years (2018/2019) and she was (in her words), "as horny as a teenage boy". Sex frequency quadrupled, quality and passion was intense, she went from a person who masturbated only a few times a year to at least once a week (on top of nearly daily sex). She also fantasized a ton, talked about sex, encouraged new sexual things and adventurous sex. 
Then she stopped the HRT due to some mild side effects she did not like......3 weeks later was exactly back to pre-HRT.

I am sure results for everyone are different, but I can assure you that for some women (and I am sure men), testosterone has a direct impact on libido


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