# im so puzzled



## catch22gofigure (Apr 26, 2013)

Ok so whats the deal with a man who moves out. Yet still pays all the bills, concerned with my every move...says he's done; but does not want a divorce ? Lord knows I love him and would reconcile at a heartbest..but uhh im nobody's fool. Am I wrong for demanding some clarity now or go ahead and file myself ? All our friends and family say we should work it out but...i am really beginning to not have the patience to endure the pain that comes along with dragging it out. Im hurting enough.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

catch22gofigure said:


> Ok so whats the deal with a man who moves out. Yet still pays all the bills, concerned with my every move...says he's done; but does not want a divorce ? Lord knows I love him and would reconcile at a heartbest..but uhh im nobody's fool. Am I wrong for demanding some clarity now or go ahead and file myself ? All our friends and family say we should work it out but...i am really beginning to not have the patience to endure the pain that comes along with dragging it out. Im hurting enough.


Trying to establish you as Plan B - in case things with posOW do not work out.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

A very confused man. Best to engage the "180" on him and keep your distance. My STBXH did this, has been going onfor 18 mths.

I only just recently filed when I learned he had gotten some other woman pregnant. HE's so messed up I can't imagine being in a relationship with him. And now he's done what he's done... can't be in a relationship any longer.

Give him lots of space, 180 him and give him some time but not too much time. Just enough time for you to see if you are indeed PLAN B like Conrad suggested. Usually you are in cases like these. Keep your eyes wide open and trust your instincts.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You never really know what's going on in someone else's head. So unless or until he's ready for something other than the path he's on now, detach and focus on you -- not him.


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## catch22gofigure (Apr 26, 2013)

Thnks everyone. This is truly a rollercoaster. My 180 attempts are being quickly detected . If I don't answer calls or texts he shows up at my house and of course the kids let him in. This is gonna be a heckuva ride I see. I don't get it. Today has even asked me to move in with him at the apartment he moved out to. This man is truly insane.:scratchhead:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

do the two of you own the place you are still living at?

Is the apartment big enough for you and the kids.

Why did he say he moved out? How long has he been moved out?

The 180 is for you, to try to keep you off the rollercoaster. It's not for him. So what if he notices that you are pulling back?

Do you have a job outside the home? If not, it's probably time you get one. Start focusing on you and what you will need to do when you are divorced. When he sees you starting to pull away and getting your own life... he will have to finally decide if he wants to be with you or not. If he wants to be with you, it will have to be on your terms after this stunt.


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## catch22gofigure (Apr 26, 2013)

Yes we own the home I live in. And the apartment he has is just big enough for us all though its cramped. We all actually stayed there last night for family night. I am trying hard to find employment but the market really sucks here so it's been a very trying process. If you'll read my post On the fence about 180 , then you'll see why the 180 that most people are doing may not really be the avenue that I should take. He moved out because we were arguing constantly about nothing. Nothing satisfied me about him or him about me. He works so much which I do appreciate ; however I was not doing a real good job of showing him I guess.


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## RegretfulGuy (Apr 29, 2013)

He's got another woman or other women. Wants you to continue being his safe bet he can count on when the others are unavailable.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

For some it's a feeling of guilt, he just may feel bad for taking you through this emotional s**thole. My suggestion is that you ask him to stop calling you, let him know he's put you through enough without having to relive this everytime he comes around.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I am in a similar situation - after almost 25 yrs h up and left in January - not happy has ow. Since through our marriage it was agreed upon that I would be a stay at home mom finding employment now is difficult to say the least not to mention health ins. In my state I will automatically lose benefits when we divorce. Because of this ex said he will continue paying the bills & will keep me on insurance giving me time to re establish myself. The marriage is dead - all it is is a piece of paper. I cut all contact except for financial matters. Kids are 23-20& 15 he can deal with them on his own. I have not seen him since February.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

smallsteps said:


> I am in a similar situation - after almost 25 yrs h up and left in January - not happy has ow. *Since through our marriage it was agreed upon that I would be a stay at home mom finding employment now *is difficult to say the least not to mention health ins. In my state I will automatically lose benefits when we divorce. Because of this ex said he will continue paying the bills & will keep me on insurance giving me time to re establish myself. The marriage is dead - all it is is a piece of paper. I cut all contact except for financial matters. Kids are 23-20& 15 he can deal with them on his own. I have not seen him since February.


Well if I can do it you can. I was a stay at home mom for over 8 yrs. I cared for our son and supported his career. We had both agreed on this.

When I found out about his affairs last year I kicked him out. Time for me to go back to work.

I set my sights on a local company I wanted to work for. Signed up with a temp agency and 2 wks later I'm interviewing for a really good senior admin position. I'm still there. Since our dept. is being eliminated I decided I like working for the company so much I started applying for permanent jobs. I was offered the one I really wanted yesterday.

Full health insurance, company paid pension, time off, tuition assistant.. the whole kabang.

I was like you when he first left, OMG who's going to hire me... Set your sights on something, get your resume professionaly done and go fot it. As I said if I can do it you can too.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Broken your story gives me hope. Ive filled out applications & got one call back but didn't get hired. 25 years out of the workforce is not what potential employers want to see. I'm pretty sure I need to go back for schooling/training for something which I'm looking into now.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Ps - I was 20 when I got married & 21 when I became a mother - there is not much to put on a resume


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## catch22gofigure (Apr 26, 2013)

Ive really tried detaching and lack of contact (180). My efforts are not getting through. Im doing something wrong. Ok lemme give you a glimpse of our day to day. 

Attempt at 180:
Wake up at my own home: His response : (he works 2nd ) gets off at 12 . So wakes up about 9. I get a call by 10. 

If I dont answer I get a visit within the hr from him. 

Frequent "what u doing?" calls ot requests for me to visit him until I either a ) come over or getting b ) answer the phone.

Typical Day for us lately ( him seeming happy day ) Ive spent the night. We've had brfst. Chit chat, sex, a laugh or two...

Calls me baby this baby that, verbalizes appreciation, Adoration, encouragement, even prayed together twice (we've not done that in 10 years )
Calls me on every break or lunch while at wk. Even when cell phone service may be bad he'll use the public phone in the breakroom. ...idk 

If and when I mention my being at the gym, or at a friends house (something i had long stopped doing ) i can sense the "uneasiness" because of dislike of my being out...BUT now he does not allow himself to explode or noticeably show dislike. Though after 19 yrs together, i can read certain things about him. What I can't read are his intentions. He's the lets not talk about it type...its driving me nuts !


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## catch22gofigure (Apr 26, 2013)

Thats what keeps coming in my mind is there is another woman... a few possible signs. Nothing solid yet though. 
He just started his new job after the separation, so she's not there. 
He rarely even uses his cell phone, not a internet user heavily , ..hr just works and chills on the couch. 
He will on rare occasions go to the night club. Nothing consistant though. ..so idk.


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