# Husband disappointed in me



## immatureWife (Apr 16, 2017)

I am about to hit forty and I got married for the second time 8 months back. We didn't date much before we got married. Two days after our marriage my hubby tells me that he was under the impression that I was a very mature person but apparently I was like a five year old. This was probably because I tend to baby talk and act like a child when I get intimate with someone. When he had first said it I didn't take it too seriously. After a few months of our marriage I also quit my job. I hated it and thought I would take a break. I think that further added to his disappointment. He thought he was marrying this mature independent strong working woman, and now he realizes that I am none of that. Gradually he began to detach himself and from time to time he implied that he was disappointment in a lot of things about me. We used to have a lot of sex in the beginning, but gradually he seems to have lost his attraction. But he is a really great husband, he is soft spoken, caring, tries his best to make me happy. I was the *****y one at the beginning, would keep him up all night to watch movies and sometimes I would even wake him up to play chess with me. You see, I suffer from insomnia and can't sleep at night. I also used to yell a lot and said stuff that hurt him. At one point he started developing a resentment (he admitted it oneday, it kind of slipped) and then I moved out. And then we had a lot of discussions, I apologized, I asked him what I could do so he could get past his resentment, and I told him to give our marriage another shot and to try our best - but only if he still loved me, wanted me and needed me like in the beginning. To that he said that he needed some time to think (part of that thinking was asking himself if he really loved me), that we shouldn't communicate for three days, and after that he'll get back to me with an answer. The next day he texted me that he did love me and that we should give it another shot and to try our best. So now we are both trying our best. I no longer fight with him or say anything that might hurt him (I did fight a lot in the beginning), I am actually going to bed when it's bedtime, I try not to baby-talk and act mature (although I fail at this from time to time). This is all good because it is helping me grow, and it's about time I grew up and started acting my age and it really is helping me become a better person. He is also trying very hard to be loving and caring and affectionate. But this is the problem I am having: trying to be the girl of his dreams is stressing me out and it makes me sad when I can tell that I am not the girl of his dreams. Believe me when I say I am not imagining it. I feel that he is not really happy. And the biggest problem is, we have almost stopped having sex unless I initiate it. He says he'll see a doctor but I doubt he has any physical problem. He cuddles me at night, kisses me, but it all feels very platonic. It feels like he is doing it because I expect him to and he is giving this marriage "his best shot". But he definitely isn't attracted anymore. I am partly at fault because even in bed I didn't perform or do stuff that he expected me to do. Examples: he would slap me and call me his ***** until oneday I told him (not nicely) that I was not his ***** and not to call me that ever again. He liked doing it in front of the mirror while I kept telling him how uncomfortable it made me (please don't laugh). I guess he expects a ***** in the bedroom (which man doesn't?) while I still dwell in the era where love making would be romantic with music playing in the background and a lot of foreplay, etc etc (you get my point). Well now I wish we could go back in time and he would call me a ***** and slap me. If you have read my entire post, thank you very much for you patience. Any suggestions? Thanks in advance.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are you and your husband?

Did you get another job? Are you working now?

It sounds like BOTH you have your faults.


Your husband does not sound like a wonder husband, he sounds like a mean, emotionally abusive man. From what you have said, he puts you down a lot. That’s not loving at all.


Now I get that you have issues too. Yelling at him a lot is not good at all.


A LOT of women, mature women, baby talk when they are playing around with the man in their lives. I’ve been with men who do it as well. This is not a sign of immaturity. It’s a sign that you are playful.


You are wrong that all men like calling the woman they are with a ***** and slapping her. If my husband did that to me, it would be the last time we had sex. I don’t think that is cute, or playful.


That’s not what they mean when they say that a man wants his wife to be a ***** in the bedroom. What is meant by that is that most men want their wife to really like sex and want it often. Not that men want their wife to allow themselves to be hit and called ***** and other names.


This guy mistreats you. You put up with it and have let him completely destroy your self-confidence.


Please get into counseling at an organization that helps women who are in abusive relationships. Your husband is an emotionally abusive man. And the slapping you and calling you a ***** means that he is also physically abusive.

Have you ever slapped him back? Or just slapped him? How would he react? Would he thing that was cute or sexy?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I agree with Elle, you both got married without getting to know each other first. You should not give up your job, you should get another job and retain your independence in this marriage.
Your H may come accross as soft spoken etc but from what you are saying he sounds pretty controlling and his treatment of you in the bedroom doesn't sound very loving.

Please reestablish your independence and get counselling for yourself. No doubt you have some work to do on yourself (we all do) but try and keep an even keel in your marriage till you decide what to do after counselling.


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## shrah25 (Mar 22, 2017)

immatureWife said:


> I am about to hit forty and I got married for the second time 8 months back. We didn't date much before we got married. Two days after our marriage my hubby tells me that he was under the impression that I was a very mature person but apparently I was like a five year old. This was probably because I tend to baby talk and act like a child when I get intimate with someone. When he had first said it I didn't take it too seriously. After a few months of our marriage I also quit my job. I hated it and thought I would take a break. I think that further added to his disappointment. He thought he was marrying this mature independent strong working woman, and now he realizes that I am none of that. Gradually he began to detach himself and from time to time he implied that he was disappointment in a lot of things about me. We used to have a lot of sex in the beginning, but gradually he seems to have lost his attraction. But he is a really great husband, he is soft spoken, caring, tries his best to make me happy. I was the *****y one at the beginning, would keep him up all night to watch movies and sometimes I would even wake him up to play chess with me. You see, I suffer from insomnia and can't sleep at night. I also used to yell a lot and said stuff that hurt him. At one point he started developing a resentment (he admitted it oneday, it kind of slipped) and then I moved out. And then we had a lot of discussions, I apologized, I asked him what I could do so he could get past his resentment, and I told him to give our marriage another shot and to try our best - but only if he still loved me, wanted me and needed me like in the beginning. To that he said that he needed some time to think (part of that thinking was asking himself if he really loved me), that we shouldn't communicate for three days, and after that he'll get back to me with an answer. The next day he texted me that he did love me and that we should give it another shot and to try our best. So now we are both trying our best. I no longer fight with him or say anything that might hurt him (I did fight a lot in the beginning), I am actually going to bed when it's bedtime, I try not to baby-talk and act mature (although I fail at this from time to time). This is all good because it is helping me grow, and it's about time I grew up and started acting my age and it really is helping me become a better person. He is also trying very hard to be loving and caring and affectionate. But this is the problem I am having: trying to be the girl of his dreams is stressing me out and it makes me sad when I can tell that I am not the girl of his dreams. Believe me when I say I am not imagining it. I feel that he is not really happy. And the biggest problem is, we have almost stopped having sex unless I initiate it. He says he'll see a doctor but I doubt he has any physical problem. He cuddles me at night, kisses me, but it all feels very platonic. It feels like he is doing it because I expect him to and he is giving this marriage "his best shot". But he definitely isn't attracted anymore. I am partly at fault because even in bed I didn't perform or do stuff that he expected me to do. Examples: he would slap me and call me his ***** until oneday I told him (not nicely) that I was not his ***** and not to call me that ever again. He liked doing it in front of the mirror while I kept telling him how uncomfortable it made me (please don't laugh). I guess he expects a ***** in the bedroom (which man doesn't?) while I still dwell in the era where love making would be romantic with music playing in the background and a lot of foreplay, etc etc (you get my point). Well now I wish we could go back in time and he would call me a ***** and slap me. If you have read my entire post, thank you very much for you patience. Any suggestions? Thanks in advance.


Hi @immatureWife

Thanks for your post and your honesty. 

I do agree with the others in that, your husband could do a lot better in terms of his behaviour and his treatment of you. There are much better ways of handling things than saying that you are immature and so on. 

Now, with all that mind, what I will say is that, you need to ensure that you maintain some standards of how you want to be treated. This is absolutely imperative when you are in a relationship because when we are constantly trying to be the 'perfect' partner, we tend to lose our sense of self in the relationship by sacrificing important parts of ourself. In the long run, this only destroys our confidence and leads us to becoming more resentful. 

So I honour you for wanting to be a great partner and try to meet his needs, but to me, the approach you're taking is out of balance and will only hurt you in the long run. 

If he is genuinely coming to the party and showing empathy, compassion and love towards you and you are both aligned in terms of where you want the relationship to go, then wonderful. Just don't sacrifice parts of yourself to try and please him.

Hope that makes sense.

Any questions, please let me know.

Thanks


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I lost all sympathy for your husband when you revealed the fact that he slaps you and uses an insulting term to describe you.

Your habits are describable as cute or irritating. Probably sometimes at the same time. 

But your husband sounds like a real piece of work. 

It is not you. It is him.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

You said in the beginning you had lots of sex and didn't date much. I'm guessing you two mistook lust for love, happens all the time. You admit you are not the woman your husband thought you were, so now not only is he disappointed in you he's disappointed in himself for marrying you. That doesn't necessarily make either of you bad people, just two people who moved way to quickly at getting married.

I think the two of you need to sit down and examine compatibility, maybe there are issues that can be worked at, but frankly if you two are miles apart in maturity and life philosophies it may be best to say "sorry, we made a mistake".


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## immatureWife (Apr 16, 2017)

aine said:


> I agree with Elle, you both got married without getting to know each other first. You should not give up your job, you should get another job and retain your independence in this marriage.
> Your H may come accross as soft spoken etc but from what you are saying he sounds pretty controlling and his treatment of you in the bedroom doesn't sound very loving.
> 
> Please reestablish your independence and get counselling for yourself. No doubt you have some work to do on yourself (we all do) but try and keep an even keel in your marriage till you decide what to do after counselling.


Thank you all for your kind replies. Actually one of the reasons that I gave up my job is because I own an apartment and also have another source of income. I have lately taken a lot of interest in photography and I am really enjoying it. I just needed a break from that job and do something that I really enjoy doing. It is not like I have been financially burdening my husband or anything. I let go off my chauffeur so I won't have to ask him for any financial help.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
As a man in a very similar arrangement and I say arrangement because it is not a mature relationship, I can empathize with your H. You cannot know the frustration, disappointment and loneliness that comes from not being able to experience from your life partner that which you thought she could provide. It is devastating. I estimate my wife to have the intellect of about an 8 to 10yo girl. He is experiencing emotions that you cannot be aware of or understand. I long for interaction on a level beyond that which I can have with a child.

Also, I have experienced severe angst when it comes to sex. I have actually felt as though I was a quasi-pedophile, engaging with a person of such limited cognitive ability. Perhaps your H is also experiencing some of this and perhaps his slapping and calling you a ***** is a mechanism to stimulate his arousal, helping him to disassociate from his thoughts of your immaturity. I cannot say for sure but I can assure you he was not literally calling you promiscuous as evidenced by the fact that he married you. I can tell you that my feelings for my W are of limited depth due to the fact that she is not capable of any more. She is superficial due to her limited intellect.

I seriously doubt that your H will be able to accept this long term. The marriage is young and there are no children involved and it may be prudent to chalk this up to irreconcilable differences and move on. I sincerely wish I could tell you to simply grow up and behave like a mature adult but that is not possible for you to do, I know whereof I speak.

You mentioned another source of income and the fact that you "let your chauffeur go" so I assume you came from privilege. Almost without exception those that are not forced to use their cognitive function and face hardship early in life, during the developmental years, never fully mature intellectually, hence the current condition of society.

I truly regret having to say this regarding your situation but I sincerely feel it to be the truth. I do not believe that you will ever have a mature relationship but if you find someone with similar developmental characteristics you may well find happiness at that level and if you do indeed have abundant financial resources, it may work out quite well. I do not however believe that it can be found with your H if he is indeed notably more mature. I wish you good fortune.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> I lost all sympathy for your husband when you revealed the fact that he slaps you and uses an insulting term to describe you.
> 
> Your habits are describable as cute or irritating. Probably sometimes at the same time.
> 
> ...


Well said.
I baby talk my dog and it drives my husband nuts so I understand how some of your quirks can either adorable or annoying and I was almost ready to split the "blame" between you and your husband at 50/50, but the domestic abuse is just completely unacceptable!


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Give the marriage some time and effort. If you don't want him to do something (slap you and call you dirty names) then you have to address that right away and not tolerate it if he does it again. You guys need to teach each other how you like to be treated. And if you love the other person you would do things that make them happy without compromising yourself. But this is a 2 way street. He needs to learn how to make you happy just like you have to. 

If something you do annoys him, try not to do it. But at the same time you need to be true to yourself. If you feel like your turning into someone else so he will like you then stop. Be you, but take him into consideration and if it's meant to work it will. Don't let him manipulate you into being someone your not.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> As a man in a very similar arrangement and I say arrangement because it is not a mature relationship, I can empathize with your H. You cannot know the frustration, disappointment and loneliness that comes from not being able to experience from your life partner that which you thought she could provide. It is devastating. I estimate my wife to have the intellect of about an 8 to 10yo girl. He is experiencing emotions that you cannot be aware of or understand. I long for interaction on a level beyond that which I can have with a child.
> 
> Also, I have experienced severe angst when it comes to sex. I have actually felt as though I was a quasi-pedophile, engaging with a person of such limited cognitive ability. Perhaps your H is also experiencing some of this and perhaps his slapping and calling you a ***** is a mechanism to stimulate his arousal, helping him to disassociate from his thoughts of your immaturity. I cannot say for sure but I can assure you he was not literally calling you promiscuous as evidenced by the fact that he married you. I can tell you that my feelings for my W are of limited depth due to the fact that she is not capable of any more. She is superficial due to her limited intellect.
> ...


If this is how you feel about her, you should leave her.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

.


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## immatureWife (Apr 16, 2017)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> As a man in a very similar arrangement and I say arrangement because it is not a mature relationship, I can empathize with your H. You cannot know the frustration, disappointment and loneliness that comes from not being able to experience from your life partner that which you thought she could provide. It is devastating. I estimate my wife to have the intellect of about an 8 to 10yo girl. He is experiencing emotions that you cannot be aware of or understand. I long for interaction on a level beyond that which I can have with a child.
> 
> Also, I have experienced severe angst when it comes to sex. I have actually felt as though I was a quasi-pedophile, engaging with a person of such limited cognitive ability. Perhaps your H is also experiencing some of this and perhaps his slapping and calling you a ***** is a mechanism to stimulate his arousal, helping him to disassociate from his thoughts of your immaturity. I cannot say for sure but I can assure you he was not literally calling you promiscuous as evidenced by the fact that he married you. I can tell you that my feelings for my W are of limited depth due to the fact that she is not capable of any more. She is superficial due to her limited intellect.
> ...


You spoke about intellectual development, so just for your information, I hold a masters degree from one of the top highly competitive business schools and held a high managerial position in the largest NGO of the world. And I didn't achieve these using my resources or my connections. Not trying to get defensive here, but a lot of people seem to be judging me because I quit my job. Everybody has a right to their opinion, and I respect everybody's opinion. But my philosophy in life is that, in my deathbed, I wouldn't regret that I didn't spend more time at the office. Life is short. I believe people in their deathbeds regret not having spent more time with their family and friends and hobbies and not quitting a job that they hated. 

Please tell your wife how deeply sorry I am for her and I hope with all my heart that she finds someone who would value and appreciate her. Someone who understands that marriage is an institution where you make a commitment "for better or for worse" and would love her unconditionally. 

Just a quick question: I come from a society where pre-marrital sex or even dating too much before you get married is not allowed or approved of. I couldn't even kiss my husband before we got married (people actually sometimes get arrested if you kiss in public from where I come from). But I am guessing this was not the case for you. Why did you get into a "till death do us apart" commitment to her then? Also, I am curious to know if everything about you is perfect. I am not trying to be offensive here, just that I know a lot of women whose husbands' tummies have grown after marriage and who have smelly feet, but they don't go around complaining about these. So I am curious to know if you have any of these issues and if your wife keeps complaining or expressing her disappointments about these things. I always recommend men who find their wives to be "not intellectual enough" or "not serious enough" to watch the movie "Legally blonde". Please let her go instead of demeaning her like this. Tell her I said these and hopefully she'll feel better (this will probably also establish just how immature I really am):

Girl I understand
That you're scared
And you feel that you might never love again
But baby that ain't true
No no no
I know that there's someone there for you
Someone that will see
That you are worth
An undiscovered treasure on this earth
Girl you know you're worth so much more
I wanna see you out that door


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> As a man in a very similar arrangement and I say arrangement because it is not a mature relationship, I can empathize with your H. You cannot know the frustration, disappointment and loneliness that comes from not being able to experience from your life partner that which you thought she could provide. It is devastating. I estimate my wife to have the intellect of about an 8 to 10yo girl. He is experiencing emotions that you cannot be aware of or understand. I long for interaction on a level beyond that which I can have with a child.
> 
> Also, I have experienced severe angst when it comes to sex. I have actually felt as though I was a quasi-pedophile, engaging with a person of such limited cognitive ability. Perhaps your H is also experiencing some of this and perhaps his slapping and calling you a ***** is a mechanism to stimulate his arousal, helping him to disassociate from his thoughts of your immaturity. I cannot say for sure but I can assure you he was not literally calling you promiscuous as evidenced by the fact that he married you. I can tell you that my feelings for my W are of limited depth due to the fact that she is not capable of any more. She is superficial due to her limited intellect.
> ...



No choice I think you are making a lot of assumptions and projecting your own scenario onto hers.
I would say you yourself sound lacking in intellect and common sense marrying someone who is not your equal, how did that happen or where you so blinded by lust you didn't figure that out before you put a ring on it?


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## immatureWife (Apr 16, 2017)

Oh GOD after reading all the replies on this forum and this other one, I feel miserable. But I needed it. After reading all the posts I realize what an annoying, irritating person I am. Maybe they would have been cute if I were still in my teens but not at this age. Maybe cute to my parents who have over-pampered me all my life and some of my friends, but not to a spouse. Some of my friends did imply from time to time that my mother crippled me and about my annoying habits but I never paid attention. Other facts that I didn't reveal. I am sure you'll all now understand who is the one at fault, but I really need to hear. I really need to hear the brutal truth about myself:

1. I have always had my own washroom and nobody is allowed to use it. I never use public toilets or anybody else's for that matter. My husband agreed to give me my own washroom at his place before we got married. When he comes over to my place, he is only allowed to pee in my toilet (he is the first person who has been given that permission although before we tied the knot I told him he wouldn't be allowed to do so either). Perhaps I have some sort of OCD.

2. I made it clear to him (before we tied the knot) that I would never give him a BJ. He said that was okay. I have never given it to any man and I don't believe I ever would be able to. Even if I have to stay single for the rest of my life. I told him so several times and also the fact that I was horrible in bed. Now when we're having sex (or used to) he asks me from time to time if I would swallow his cum and I say "yes" just to keep him aroused, but after we are done I tell him "I hope you realize that I would never do it and I just said yes so you could have a fantasy about it". I did like it when he got down on me perhaps three or four times, but the thought of all the germs getting inside his mouth really made me uncomfortable and so I couldn't enjoy that either. So I don't mind whether he gets down on me or not. But again, I offered to give him one once or twice given that he showered and I got drunk, but he was very nice and said that I didn't have to do something that I didn't want to do.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

immatureWife said:


> Butt he definitely isn't attracted anymore. I am partly at fault because even in bed I didn't perform or do stuff that he expected me to do. Examples: he would slap me and call me his ***** until oneday I told him (not nicely) that I was not his ***** and not to call me that ever again. He liked doing it in front of the mirror while I kept telling him how uncomfortable it made me (please don't laugh). I guess he expects a ***** in the bedroom (which man doesn't?) while I still dwell in the era where love making would be romantic with music playing in the background and a lot of foreplay, etc etc (you get my point). Well now I wish we could go back in time and he would call me a ***** and slap me. If you have read my entire post, thank you very much for you patience. Any suggestions? Thanks in advance.


This sounds like a man who may be into domination and submission. Have you discussed BDSM and/or sexual kink with him? If he is into kinky sex and you are not then you have a basic sexual compatibility problem.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Oh boy, where to start?

First of all, having someone insinuate that you need to change who you are is just plain wrong. Anyone who does this isn't worth your time or effort.

You're almost 40, and you baby-talk your spouse? I'm almost 40 and I baby-talk the dogs, or the plants to get them to grow or sprout. The computer or printer when it's being slow. But even though H and I don't have the best marriage, I've never thought to talk to him like he's a toddler.

Where does your H get the idea that you're not the woman he married? Did you allude to being a different person beforehand, then after marriage, you decided to show him your true colours?

Have you thought about individual counselling? Marriage counselling? Sex therapy?

Have you found another job doing something that you enjoy more? I got laid off the year following our wedding, and it was a hard hit. Then, I got laid off again 2 years later. That takes a toll on a marriage. I didn't like either job, but it still sucked big-time. In this day and age, a household almost needs 2 working spouses just to get by. Nothing wrong with quitting a job, but maybe think about finding one to replace that one.

Okay, and now for the silliest thing I've probably read on here: you used to keep him up all night watching movies, and used to wake him up to play chess with you? Are you kidding? Dude, sleep is important! It allows the body to replenish. I'm sorry that you have insomnia (I'm pretty sure that I have it too), but that doesn't give you any right to keep someone up with you. If anyone did that to me, they wouldn't last long in my house.

That all being said, your H sounds like a real…. *peach* or maybe son-of-a-peach for doing the things to you that he has. No one deserves to be called names, especially during a time when they're most vulnerable. Honestly, if it were me, I would probably get out of the marriage, get another job and take loads of time for myself to grow up a little bit and find myself.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

NoChoice said:


> As a man...


I find this entire post very condescending; it does not read as something said by a "man" who loves his wife. 

It reads "I married a retard who isn't smart enough to understand how mentally limited she is, and I suspect the same of OP. I'm frustrated with my situation, and can empathize with OP's verbally (and physically?) abusive husband."

Wow. I could be missing something here, but wow. TAM should introduce a "Dislike" feature.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

This is a perfect example of why you should have at least a year's relationship until you get engaged. What you see is what you get when you marry but love tends to block out the faults in our partners. Take a look at this article below to see what happens once the romantic love fades and reality of who your mate really is, sinks in. I am not pointing fingers because I got engaged in 3 weeks. I tried to go from a poly lifestyle to a monogamous one. She could no longer suppress her bisexual urges. Saved the marriage by finding a solution outside of the box that worked for us wonderfully for over 44 years. 

Read this to understand the various stages of love and why we eventually come to see each other as we really are.
How long does passion last? The four stages of love - TODAY.com

Although not a solution but rather an understanding of where your husband is right now and why he needs to decide to stay married or not.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

immatureWife said:


> Oh GOD after reading all the replies on this forum and this other one, I feel miserable. But I needed it. After reading all the posts I realize what an annoying, irritating person I am. Maybe they would have been cute if I were still in my teens but not at this age. Maybe cute to my parents who have over-pampered me all my life and some of my friends, but not to a spouse. Some of my friends did imply from time to time that my mother crippled me and about my annoying habits but I never paid attention. Other facts that I didn't reveal. I am sure you'll all now understand who is the one at fault, but I really need to hear. I really need to hear the brutal truth about myself:
> 
> 1. I have always had my own washroom and nobody is allowed to use it. I never use public toilets or anybody else's for that matter. My husband agreed to give me my own washroom at his place before we got married. When he comes over to my place, he is only allowed to pee in my toilet (he is the first person who has been given that permission although before we tied the knot I told him he wouldn't be allowed to do so either). Perhaps I have some sort of OCD.
> 
> 2. I made it clear to him (before we tied the knot) that I would never give him a BJ. He said that was okay. I have never given it to any man and I don't believe I ever would be able to. Even if I have to stay single for the rest of my life. I told him so several times and also the fact that I was horrible in bed. Now when we're having sex (or used to) he asks me from time to time if I would swallow his cum and I say "yes" just to keep him aroused, but after we are done I tell him "I hope you realize that I would never do it and I just said yes so you could have a fantasy about it". I did like it when he got down on me perhaps three or four times, but the thought of all the germs getting inside his mouth really made me uncomfortable and so I couldn't enjoy that either. So I don't mind whether he gets down on me or not. But again, I offered to give him one once or twice given that he showered and I got drunk, but he was very nice and said that I didn't have to do something that I didn't want to do.


Is it possible that you are a High Functioning Asperger's?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

immatureWife said:


> I got married for the second time 8 months back.


Why did you get divorced the first time? 



immatureWife said:


> We didn't date much before we got married.


And now you're having martial issues? Wicked... shocka...


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

It is really sad that you would rather be treated like a worthless woman and have violent sex than to be ignored. Whatever has happened in your relationship, his violent behavior towards you is not okay. Why do you need him? Why do you want to be with him?



immatureWife said:


> I am about to hit forty and I got married for the second time 8 months back. We didn't date much before we got married.
> 
> Two days after our marriage my hubby tells me that he was under the impression that I was a very mature person but apparently I was like a five year old. This was probably because I tend to baby talk and act like a child when I get intimate with someone. When he had first said it I didn't take it too seriously. After a few months of our marriage I also quit my job. I hated it and thought I would take a break. I think that further added to his disappointment. He thought he was marrying this mature independent strong working woman, and now he realizes that I am none of that.
> 
> ...


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## immatureWife (Apr 16, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> If this is how you feel about her, you should leave her.


Haha not really. She should immediately dump this guy's ass.

Lol. I was just curious as to how people these days think and feel. Trust me, I am a very strong woman and I am well aware of my rights. It's hilarious how people think and feel these days although this forum is much much better than this other one. 

If a spouse is withholding sex, or using it as a weapon, this is immediate grounds for divorce. Marriage, as set forth in legal precedent, implies that there will be sex’to withhold this is considered a divorceable offense.If one partner refuses to seek therapy or medication to help with the issue and it can be proven that the other spouse encouraged this type of healing, the case likely could be considered for an at-fault divorce. Sometimes it’s total refusal, sometimes it’s sex once a month, or almost once a week. Sometimes the lack of sex is because of ongoing emotional, mental or physical issues, but the person with the problem won’t get any help. This is still refusal, as it is refusing to do what would make it possible to have sex. That doesn't mean that if your husband wants sex twice a day you therefore have to make love twice a day. Marriage is compromise. If your spouse is demanding weird or kinky sex you shouldn't have to do that. It is also an offense if the husband won’t have regular intercourse because he only wants X or Y instead. But there is a certain level of reasonableness that should be met in a marriage. Refusing sex, or only making love extremely rarely, is a serious problem. Now, if you have a medical reason for this, or if you’re still recovering from psychological trauma or abuse, that’s a different category. If you are working towards recovery, and you are hoping to resume a healthy sex life, then you are working towards a healthy marriage and that’s good. if a woman has vaginismus so that sex is excrutiatingly painful, then not having sex is justified–while the problem is worked on. The problem here is not withholding sex per se; it is only if the spouse isn’t seeking help to overcome the issue, and is content to stay as they are. For instance, if it were a husband who was refusing sex because he had no sex drive and was diabetic, he should over the next month, agree to talk to a doctor about this, start taking care of his health so that obesity and diabetes were not as great issues, and find ways to show his wife love, even if sex isn’t possible yet.

While lack of intellect, baby-talk, immaturity, quitting a job, refusing BJ or kink aren't considered to be an offense or sin, withholding sex for whatever reason, is.

No wonder Donald Trump is the President of The United States!


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## sunshinie (Apr 18, 2017)

I found that in a new marriage it takes some time to become truly in sync with each other. Even if you would have dated for years. Marriage is constant growth and sacrifice. And when you love someone you do your best for them. Are you being your best? Think about it. Try to be woman your husband fell in love with.


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## immatureWife (Apr 16, 2017)

sunshinie said:


> I found that in a new marriage it takes some time to become truly in sync with each other. Even if you would have dated for years. Marriage is constant growth and sacrifice. And when you love someone you do your best for them. Are you being your best? Think about it. Try to be woman your husband fell in love with.


My husband has no room to complain now because

1. I never pretended to be something that I was not.
2. He knew that I was spoiled
3. I told him repeatedly that I was bad in bed.
4. When I told him I would never give him a BJ, and that I was terrible in bed, and also about my romantic sexual preferences, he is the one who should have revealed to me just how much he was into porn, masturbation and kink. He admits now that he has been a porn and masturbation addict.
5. When I told him I would need a separate bathroom, he should have realized just to what extent I was spoiled. However, he doesn't have any complain about me having my own bathroom.
6. I also told him repeatedly just how much I hated working and that I would rather pursue something like painting before we tied the knot. He said it was okay (again, that was before we tied the knot) as long as I kept myself busy with something, like painting (which he admired and encouraged before we got married, not anymore though after the marriage). Not that I needed his permission to quit something that made me so miserable, but I still waited until he said that it was okay to quit.
7. I was under the impression that he was also having a good time when he stayed up all night to watch movies. It was during the early stages of our marriage. He pretended to be having a good time. It wasn't like I forced him to or anything. The moment I realized he wasn't liking it I stopped.

I was really surprised when he proposed to me even after I revealed all my quirks and traits and just how *****y I can be and to what extent. Now I have no idea and I keep asking him whatever gave him the impression that I am a mature woman.

Trust me when I say that the girl he married would never compromise or try to change herself just to please someone else. And yet, not only am I trying to change my behavior, but also my personality - to the extent that I feel suffocated. I put on a fake smile even when he says something that deeply hurts me (man, my ex-wife looked remarkable at times), I actually ask him to call me a ***** and talk dirty, I have stopped the baby talk, I also asked him today if having pets like turtles and cats was immature and if I should get rid of them. I asked a cousin for advise and she suggested that I should act all mature infront of him, and be my fun loving self with them to relieve the stress.

I had already tried some of the suggestions in this other forum way before they were suggested in that thread (examples: sending a sexy text, wearing sexy lingerie, etc, etc) - doesn't work. And when they don't work I feel more frustrated and rejected.

Of course I want this marriage to work and I don't want a second divorce. But I just feel so angry and rejected. My confidence has been totally shattered. So finally I thought to myself - wait a minute. I think I have done enough. And maybe I yelled at him a number of times, but I have tried to make amends. So who cares what others think as long as I know that I have been honest and truthful and I have tried to the best of my ability. I shouldn't have to explain myself to anyone. If you think I am a *****, yes, I am one, and I can't help it. So thank you all for your suggestions. Wish you all all the best.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@immatureWife Having re-read your first post -I was reading it initially on a smallish phone screen whilst on a train!- and a subsequent comment that you made, I realised that you are almost certainly not an American (that's not actually a problem, neither am I!  ) so there might be some cultural differences between yourself and many other people on TAM.

Are there any cultural issues between your husband and yourself? Religious differences, perhaps?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

immatureWife7731825 said:


> You spoke about intellectual development, so just for your information, I hold a masters degree from one of the top highly competitive business schools and held a high managerial position in the largest NGO of the world. And I didn't achieve these using my resources or my connections. Not trying to get defensive here, but a lot of people seem to be judging me because I quit my job. Everybody has a right to their opinion, and I respect everybody's opinion. But my philosophy in life is that, in my deathbed, I wouldn't regret that I didn't spend more time at the office. Life is short. I believe people in their deathbeds regret not having spent more time with their family and friends and hobbies and not quitting a job that they hated.


One must not confuse intellect with education, they are not concomitant. Additionally, I am in no way judging you regarding your employment status. 



immatureWife7731825 said:


> Please tell your wife how deeply sorry I am for her and I hope with all my heart that she finds someone who would value and appreciate her. Someone who understands that marriage is an institution where you make a commitment "for better or for worse" and would love her unconditionally.


I do not devalue her nor do I overvalue her and I have remained 100% true to my commitment even in light of indiscretions on her part. You feel sympathetic identification with my W and I for your H so should I ask you to convey to him how deeply I regret him having you for a wife and hope that he one day finds someone more to his liking? You came here for opinions and this is mine, it is quite easily ignored



immatureWife7731825 said:


> Just a quick question: I come from a society where pre-marrital sex or even dating too much before you get married is not allowed or approved of. I couldn't even kiss my husband before we got married (people actually sometimes get arrested if you kiss in public from where I come from). But I am guessing this was not the case for you. Why did you get into a "till death do us apart" commitment to her then? Also, I am curious to know if everything about you is perfect. I am not trying to be offensive here, just that I know a lot of women whose husbands' tummies have grown after marriage and who have smelly feet, but they don't go around complaining about these. So I am curious to know if you have any of these issues and if your wife keeps complaining or expressing her disappointments about these things. I always recommend men who find their wives to be "not intellectual enough" or "not serious enough" to watch the movie "Legally blonde". Please let her go instead of demeaning her like this. Tell her I said these and hopefully she'll feel better (this will probably also establish just how immature I really am):
> 
> 
> Girl I understand
> ...


When we first met we were quite young and her behavior was not far out of line for someone of her chronological age and I assumed it was her being "cute" however, as we aged she did not exhibit the intellectual characteristics commensurate with that aging. Therefore, the disparity between her mental and physical maturity has become more and more apparent over several decades. This is quite common as evidenced by the marriages seen here that even exceed 30 years before the obvious is recognized.

As to the hygiene and dietary reference, I do maintain a very strict regimen regarding my physical presence and appearance. I fail to see the relevance of this however since the physical can be altered by self control. I also fail to see the relevance of comparing life to a movie. Life is not scripted and should be, in mature individuals, self directed whereas the actors in a movie have been told exactly what to say and directed exactly how to act. In real life this has to come from within an individual as they mature. Sadly, far too often this does not occur and they must be directed from the outside by Dr. Harley and others.

As to your culture, it does not allow for premarital sex and only limited dating but they do allow divorce and multiple marriages? That sounds rather counterintuitive. I assumed you wanted the truth and that is what I offered from the scant information provided on one initial post. Some of your subsequent posts have further reinforced my beliefs. I am therefore confused as to what you truly are in search of here and will therefore not trouble you further. I wish you good fortune in attaining whatever it is that you seek.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

immatureWife said:


> Haha not really. She should immediately dump this guy's ass.
> 
> Lol. I was just curious as to how people these days think and feel. Trust me, I am a very strong woman and I am well aware of my rights. It's hilarious how people think and feel these days although this forum is much much better than this other one.
> 
> ...


There is something very off between your original post and this this one. It feels like here you are here only to play games and insult us. I'm not comfortable with this.

To be honest I'm not really even sure what your trying to say in this post except that it leads up to your final attack.

Not sure if we can help here you on TAM since you hold others in contempt.


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## immatureWife (Apr 16, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Not sure if we can help here you on TAM since you hold others in contempt.


I have come to the realization that forums like TAM are very unhealthy which tend to confuse you out of your mind. So this is what I am getting from the forum replies:

1. You should try to work on becoming more mature
2. An immature person can never grow up and become mature
3. It is not you, it is him
4. It is not him, it is you
5. You should work on your marriage
6. You should let your husband go
7. Your husband has no room to complain now
8. If I were your husband I would have left you
9. It is good to take extended break from work if you can afford to and pursue a hobby
10. You quit your job and you are a terrible person.
11. Your husband was wrong to have slapped you and called you a *****
12. Can you role play and become his ***** in bed from time to time?

I am more confused now after reading your replies and hence the contempt. I guess I should make much better use of my time than spend time making posts in forums that confuse the hell out of you. Asking for suggestions from people that have never met my husband or me.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

immatureWife said:


> I guess I should make much better use of my time than spend time making posts in forums that confuse the hell out of you. Asking for suggestions from people that have never met my husband or me.


And by doing that, you're going to get a lot of different responses. You take what you want, and leave the rest.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

immatureWife said:


> I have come to the realization that forums like TAM are very unhealthy which tend to confuse you out of your mind. So this is what I am getting from the forum replies:
> 
> 1. You should try to work on becoming more mature
> 2. An immature person can never grow up and become mature
> ...


Well, you put your thread out for hundreds, if not thousands, of people to read. A few of those people took their time to reply to you. Now every person has their own mind and their own life experience. So different people will post from different points of view. That's why you are getting differ suggestions.

This is your YOUR RESPONSIBLITY comes into play. It is up to you to read the posts and take from them what makes sense to you and what does not.

If you are looking for someone who tell exactly what to do with no ambiguity, go ask your mother. I'm sure she has an opinion and will not give you all these different points of view. Then do what she tells you to do. 

Another thing you could do it get some books that offer some very good insight, read them and do what the books say to do. Here are two that help a lot of people.

"Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs"

And stop asking hundreds of people on the internet how to run your life, after all they are all nuts and don't even agree with each other. >


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I see you are posting the exact same things on LS. LOL


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

immatureWife said:


> I have come to the realization that forums like TAM are very unhealthy which tend to confuse you out of your mind. So this is what I am getting from the forum replies:
> 
> 
> 
> .




Oh I agree with you. This forum should be renamed to Talk about Divorce. Your best bet is to ditch this forum and find a counselor who can help you. Self help books are way better than posting here jmo.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Miss Independent said:


> Oh I agree with you. This forum should be renamed to Talk about Divorce. Your best bet is to ditch this forum and find a counselor who can help you. Self help books are way better than posting here jmo.


Yet you post here.... >


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Yet you post here.... >




Only when I'm bored . 

Besides, I asked to be permanently banned me, and you rejected my request so....


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## hylton7 (Jan 24, 2017)

he sounds abusive good luck


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP
You and your husband need to sit down and talk about what each of you likes or doesn't like. Too many false signals and assuming the other will somehow know what you mean.

Then you need to work on trying to better match what the other wants, or decide that you are too incompatible and divorce.


Your communication during sex needs a lot of work. The first time he slapped you did you tell him you didn't like it? Does he actually enjoy hearing you offer oral sex then not do it or does it frustrate him? I don't know to what extent each of you is just pretending to enjoy what the other is doing.


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## immatureWife (Apr 16, 2017)

Deleting the message I had shared, in case he makes an online search and sees his message online


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