# Keeping a secret...



## Dawnmrlg24 (Mar 2, 2016)

A friends daughters (Jean - a fake name to make things easier to understand) of mine was raped a few months ago and she confided in me the details of what happened. She asked me not to say anything to anyone and just needed to talk to someone about what happened. Jean did do what she needed to do with authorities and what not. So, the other day she posted this long status on Facebook about her life and everything that has happened so far in her life - she felt it best to do so. Well, my husband saw the post and started questioning me about the whole situation. He asked me if I knew and I said yes because I wasn't going to lie. Then he wanted to know more but I didn't feel that it wasn't my place to tell him everything that happened. I told him if he wanted more details to talk to Jean because I didn't feel it was my place to talk about the details of what happened to her. I pretty much gave him a watered down version and told him that she was doing ok - as ok as you can in this situation.

Jean told me this in secrecy and didn't want anyone to know at the time, so, I never told my husband about this happening to her. My husband has become so angry at me that I kept a "secret" from him. He is so angry that he took off his wedding band and pretty much saying that I don't trust him or that I trust my friends over him. He is also not trusting me and saying that I must be keeping more things from him and I am not being truthful to him which is untrue. He starting saying that I didn't trust him and what would he do with the information, gossip about it? He pretty much is acting like I was cheating on him and keeping that a secret. 

My view about this whole situation is that she told me because she needed to talk about what happen and she trusted me not to say anything, which I didn't. This has nothing to do with my husband or effects us in anyway other than she is a friend that needed someone to talk to. I felt if I told my husband, I would be gossiping about what happen and sometimes even with the best intentions things slip out during normal conversations. I did not want to break Jeans trust especially during this time with her still dealing with what happened to her. I understand she did make it public about the rape but I still feel it is not my place to go into details with anyone on what happened because if she wants to let people know the details she can but it is not my place to tell ANYONE the details.

Also, I have known Jean since she was 7 and now is going to be 21, which is much longer than I have known my husband. Jean is also like a daughter to me and I do have 2 daughters which she has watched grow up and babysat for. 

Am I wrong about this and I tried to explain all this to my husband but he just doesn't understand that this has nothing to do with him and she needed to trust me. I felt that talking to him about what happen would betray her trust and might hurt her more. And right now she needs all the people around her to make her feel safe. I do trust my husband but things do slip and I just couldn't take that chance. He even said that she can't be doing ok with all this and he even posted on her facebook about how there are cruel stigmas about being rape and how he cant understand how people don't have compassion about people being traumatized in this way. This statement alone makes me feel that if I did tell him, even though he might not have said anything, his actions would say otherwise and she would have known that I betrayed her trust. She doesn't need this in her life right now. 

Am I wrong?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I think she has a right to privacy and that you are doing the right thing.


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## Dawnmrlg24 (Mar 2, 2016)

Thank you!


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

I think you're doing the right thing. He should understand that this was told to you in confidence and he should respect that.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I agree. It's not your story to tell. If your H can't understand the need to keep a young lady's secret then, he has his own issues. How would he like it if you shared his secret with some one else. It does not affect your marriage, it's not his business. He should lighten up and be proud of his honorable wife.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You're not wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

I tell my H damn near everything, but I agree that this is something I wouldn't have quiet, and H would respect it given the circumstances.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

It's none of his business. It's a story about her, not about you, so his comparison of the matter is irrelevant.

His reaction does make me wonder what he could be hiding from you, though. I just wonder why it's such a big deal to him.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

You are not wrong. That said, BEFORE anyone confides in me, I generally say please don't tell me anything I cannot tell my husband to protect myself. That that said, it would be unlikely that I would refrain from supporting a friend who needs my help in order to be able to tell my DH something that has nothing to do with us. Good luck. Tough spot.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I think he is a idiot if he is getting upset over this. Or, he has something to hide himself and using this as a means to a end. You did right by keeping your friends trust and it should have never caused what you H is doing. When my wife worked at the middle school she had to keep things that happened with students secret, even when I knew something had happened, she would never tell the rest of it. I never had a problem with it.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

No I don't think you are wrong in the least here. I agree in general with @NobodySpecial. 

His reaction however is very revealing. On the surface; he been badly hurt by someone who kept a secret from him and he is triggering. The second reason is he is generally very insecure. Part of being married is attempting to help a spouse though hidden issues and setting strong boundaries that demands issues lie this be resolved.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

If I were your huaband, I would feel a little hurt at first, but then I would be glad youwere a trust worthy person. You did the right thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Personally I do share pretty much everything with my husband.. that's just how we are / have always been..BUT he makes this so easy to do....

One thing I am sure... he would NEVER react like your husband did (and that is an important part of this ..if you had any hesitation to his leaking in the smallest way, getting emotional about it, going forth...it's not OK...that's on him.. he needs to check his own behavior before getting so angry here)

Back to my husband.. I will speak for him...he would understand how very delicate of an issue this was.. that a woman wouldn't want that shared -it would be very embarrassing for her...something to confide in with a few select trusted women friends... 

My husband knows I'd never do anything to betray his trust in what he shares.. and vice versa.. it STOPS with us..







...

I do much treasure this... When I share things.. I generally suspect it could get back to the husband.. if a couple is very close.. I assume this... 

I guess it's something to clarify -if it's very important that it doesn't.. ..as some couples do live by this code.. They may be more on the rare side...but they exist....


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

You did what you needed to do...what you agreed to do. 

I tried to put myself in your husband's place...but I still can't see being upset with you...mostly concerned for the family friend that was raped.


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## Dawnmrlg24 (Mar 2, 2016)

Thank you !!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Lenzi. Dude.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

If Jean were your daughter, your husband would have a valid argument. As it stands, he has none and you were being a good friend/confidant. You had no obligation to tell your husband. This should make you MORE trustworthy in his eyes, not less!!

I'm so sorry for what happened to Jean . 

(The one thing I disagree that you did was to tell him to ask Jean himself if he wanted to know more.....eeeeeek! She's a 21 year old girl! He's a grown man! I would not advise him to talk to her about her rape.)


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## Dawnmrlg24 (Mar 2, 2016)

We have 2 daughters and if it was my daughters it would be totally different! I would be telling my husband everything about what happen because it would concern him because they are his daughters and plus keepin me out of jail for going crazy! This was a friend to talk to me as a friend and just needed my support.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You did nothing wrong OP. It's not your husbands business one iota. 

I agree that married couples shouldn't keep secrets from each other about themselves, but I don't see why we have to tell our spouses everything that our friends tell us in confidence.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

NobodySpecial said:


> You are not wrong. That said, BEFORE anyone confides in me, I generally say please don't tell me anything I cannot tell my husband,


 Bingo. I say the same thing. I find that they know my wife well enough, that they are usually OK with me telling her, but with the default being that although my wife knows, my wife must agree not to discuss it with them directly unless they bring it up with her.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

If it were my wife in your place, I would be upset but not to the same extent.

We confide in each other and fully trust each other with any information.

Anyone telling one of us tells us both and that information is safe.

I believe you are wrong not to have established a closer relationship with your H.

He should have talked with you more rationally but he is obviously feeling strongly about this.

Did you marry him because he is a moron?

I am assuming you must have found him so attractive you fell in love and married him.

Maybe you could help bridge this gap and start a relationship of trust.

Is he a hypocrite?

Does he share information with you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Dawnmrlg24 said:


> We have 2 daughters and if it was my daughters it would be totally different! I would be telling my husband everything about what happen because it would concern him because they are his daughters and plus keepin me out of jail for going crazy! This was a friend to talk to me as a friend and just needed my support.


He also maybe wanted to know to be more aware of potential threats.

Rapists often walk free.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> If it were my wife in your place, I would be upset but not to the same extent.
> 
> We confide in each other and fully trust each other with any information.
> 
> ...


I'll concede that possibly his FEELINGS were hurt because she didn't tell him this information. Maybe he felt like SHE thought he could not be trusted with this information. But to not be able to trust her after this? It's a bit much.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Sounds like he is just nosey, why does he feel the need to know all the details? I do not think it is wrong to keep this between you and Jean.


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## Dawnmrlg24 (Mar 2, 2016)

I understand that being in a relationship you share things with each other and totally trust each other. My only issue is that I was asked in confidence not to say anything. As a women, I really wouldn't want ANYONE to know if that happened to me because I wouldn't want people to treat me like I was broken.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Dawnmrlg24 said:


> I understand that being in a relationship you share things with each other and totally trust each other. My only issue is that I was asked in confidence not to say anything. *As a women, I really wouldn't want ANYONE to know if that happened to me because I wouldn't want people to treat me like I was broken.*


OK, well that's a whole 'nother issue and I'm not sure that's completely healthy, but I do agree with you needing to keep the confidence of someone who asked you to unless their life was in danger or they were going to harm someone/do something illegal.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Dawnmrlg24 said:


> I understand that being in a relationship you share things with each other and totally trust each other. My only issue is that I was asked in confidence not to say anything. As a women, I really wouldn't want ANYONE to know if that happened to me because I wouldn't want people to treat me like I was broken.


There are plenty of issues your husband could say are men issues and justify the same behavior you are exhibiting.

Hopefully he isn't a hypocrite and doing that.

You have to make a decision if someone outside your marriage is more important to keep a secret from your husband for or if closeness and trust with your wedded mate is more important.

The girl does not have mature judgment or is still traumatized but her action to get you to actively keep a secret from your husband was not considering the health of your marriage.

It was a defensive action to suggest he talk to her about it and further damaged your relationship and would not have been helpful at all to your situation or the girl's.

Is your husband trustworthy?

I hope so as you are not only trusting your body to him but you married him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband's reaction was weird. Way over the top.

You need to find out WHY.

There's more to this than meets the eye.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dawnmrlg24 (Mar 2, 2016)

I just don't understand why he needs to know everything and why did I need to tell him about a friends issue? 

I don't ask him every conversation he has with is friend cause, guess what, I trust him enough to know if he wants to tell me something he will and I won't get mad at him if he doesn't tell me every thing he talks about with his friends. He has his friends and I have mine and I don't need to know everything because I trust him !


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> If it were my wife in your place, I would be upset but not to the same extent.
> 
> *We confide in each other and fully trust each other with any information.
> 
> ...


The issue w/ this is that the trust that you'd have OP extend isn't her trust to give.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> The issue w/ this is that the trust that you'd have OP extend isn't her trust to give.


Boundaries obviously haven't been defined and agreed to on this issue with OP.

They need to sit down and discuss this to come to an enthusiastic agreement for both of them.

Imposing a secret between spouses is immature or inconsiderate.

Practicing keeping secrets from your spouse is not healthy behavior in a marriage and helps establish dangerous patterns.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Boundaries obviously haven't been defined and agreed to on this issue with OP.
> 
> They need to sit down and discuss this to come to an enthusiastic agreement for both of them.
> 
> ...


It's not her secret to share.


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## Dawnmrlg24 (Mar 2, 2016)

If I was cheating on him and keeping that a secret or hiding money, I can see him being as angry as he is. But, this "secret" had nothing to do with him. This was a conversation between friends about what happened to her. So, I should go tell him all the other stuff that my friends and I talk about. Example: how my friends Has sex or how endowed her man is? So, I cant't keep my friends lives separate from my husbands?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Dawnmrlg24 said:


> If I was cheating on him and keeping that a secret or hiding money, I can see him being as angry as he is. But, this "secret" had nothing to do with him. This was a conversation between friends about what happened to her. So, I should go tell him all the other stuff that my friends and I talk about. Example: how my friends Has sex or *how endowed her man is?* So, I cant't keep my friends lives separate from my husbands?


FWIW, your friends probably shouldn't be telling you this either.

At least not unless their husbands/SOs are OK w/ it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Dawnmrlg24 said:


> If I was cheating on him and keeping that a secret or hiding money, I can see him being as angry as he is. But, this "secret" had nothing to do with him. This was a conversation between friends about what happened to her. So, I should go tell him all the other stuff that my friends and I talk about. Example: how my friends Has sex or how endowed her man is? So, I cant't keep my friends lives separate from my husbands?


You need to sit down and discuss this issue with your H.

It is obviously a large issue and needs fixed.

You both need to come to an agreement on it and enforce whatever boundaries you establish.

It will also get to the root of what is going on with your husband.
You two are not very close to not know about each other if this surprised you both.

How long married?

Mrs. Conan and I do talk about everything. We are each others best friend.

You don't have to be as close as us but you do have to communicate with your H about this.

LOL! Yes. We even discuss genitals and everything in between!

Do your friends have permission to share sex information about their partners with you or how well endowed they are?

Did your husband give you permission to talk about his unit or sex with him to your friends?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dawnmrlg24 (Mar 2, 2016)

My husband and I do generally talk about everything that is important and anything that will affect our marriage and/or family. I just don't understand how a conversation with a friend about something that has nothing to do with my marriage or him, have to be told to him. I feel that it is a control issue to have to tell your husband every single thing. I do not expect my husband to tell me everything. 

So, say one of his friends had to put down his dog and my husband never told me and I found out, I can be angry at him for not telling me?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Dawnmrlg24 said:


> My husband and I do generally talk about everything that is important and anything that will affect our marriage and/or family. I just don't understand how a conversation with a friend about something that has nothing to do with my marriage or him, have to be told to him. I feel that it is a control issue to have to tell your husband every single thing. I do not expect my husband to tell me everything.
> 
> So, say one of his friends had to put down his dog and my husband never told me and I found out, I can be angry at him for not telling me?


I'd argue that there is _at least_ a subtle difference between a thing not disclosed because it doesn't absolutely merit either disclosure or discussion and a thing not disclosed when it should absolutely be disclosed and discussed.


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## Dawnmrlg24 (Mar 2, 2016)

How is a friends rape, especially a 20 years old girls rape, who asked not to tell anyone, HAVE to be told to my husband? I do feel that some things are suppose to stay private especially when it has nothing to do with me, him or our marriage. I can see him getting angry and hurt if I was raped and didn't tell him but she is my friend and not his. (I know really childish but true.) So, why does it matter so much? Regardless if I trust him or not, if I go running to him and say guess what so and so got raped, to me that is gossiping. It wasn't my story to tell and if she wanted him to know at that time she could have told him or told us together.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

My wife and I are a package deal, and those close to us know it. We are surrounded by friends of our marriage and by extension, friends of both of us. There is an assumption that anything said to one of us, both of us know.

There is a difference between having to remember to tell a spouse everything, every little detail of every conversation, and talking fully and openly about something that comes up. I don't feel any need to recount everything to my wife, nor do I expect her to do that for me, but...if something comes up, and either of us asks the other about it, we are open and honest, and hold nothing back to the extent that the other wants to know. There have been things that we have each been told in confidence that the other is aware of, but we also both know and respect limits on how much to push.

In this case in particular, the rape, then selective details being posted openly on Facebook...seems like an unfortunate variation on the whole posting a status that says...Something bad happened to me, but it's too personal to talk about, so I'm not going to say anything else...begging the exact same questions from a lot of people that I imagine the husband is asking.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I completely agree that spouses keeping secrets from each other ABOUT THEMSELVES, is unhealthy and not good for the marriage. Privacy in marriage is closing the door when you go to the loo. 

I don't agree that I have the right to betray a friends confidence, if they tell me something distressing and ask me to keep it to myself. It's a privilege to be trusted by a vulnerable person and with that comes a responsibility. I wouldn't betray that trust, ever. My husband would never ask me to. Nor would I ask that of him. We are a completely open book about each other, with each other, but our friends should feel safe in confiding things to us knowing that it will stay with us.

If I told a girlfriend something very private about myself, and found out that she'd run to her husband with it, I'd be mortified and very upset.

I love and adore my husband. He is my number one, and I always put him first. Keeping the confidence of a friend doesn't affect our marriage one iota. Not that it happens that often, because honestly my friends all love my hubby too and we openly discuss things with him either in the room or coming and going from the room anyway. BUT if they confided something to me, and asked me not to tell anyone, I wouldn't.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

OP. The way you are talking is actually more indicative of marital problems than your original post.

You talk with resentment towards your husband and do not portray sharing with him in a positive light.

There are obviously larger issues at play here.


How long.married?

Has he always been controlling, your words, or is this episode an out of the blue surprise?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BTW. If this wasn't an agreed upon boundary before, doesn't seem likely, then you probably need to talk with your H to get it established.

Is your marriage done over this?

Do you just want a nod yes on an anonymous forum or do you want help?

Regardless of whether someone else has your values, some here do and I at least don't, your marriage seems in trouble.

Want help?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Keep in mind you know the facts, the husband doesn't. So he is basing his view on what he doesn't know. 

OP. As for knowing your friend longer than knowing your husband, you may want rethink that line of logic as it's not healthy IMO. You are basically saying the friend comes before your husband in the social pack order. If you were my wife and told me that, we'd be having a discussion about it.

I will say this, if that friend is around you and your husband I think it's something I would share. But I'm wired to be open book with my partner and would trust them to keep it between ourselves. This could also help your husband to know why your friend is a certain way, etc. 




ABHale said:


> I think he is a idiot if he is getting upset over this. Or, he has something to hide himself and using this as a means to a end. You did right by keeping your friends trust and it should have never caused what you H is doing. When my wife worked at the middle school she had to keep things that happened with students secret, even when I knew something had happened, she would never tell the rest of it. I never had a problem with it.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

jdawg2015 said:


> Keep in mind you know the facts, the husband doesn't. So he is basing his view on what he doesn't know.
> 
> OP. As for knowing your friend longer than knowing your husband, you may want rethink that line of logic as it's not healthy IMO. You are basically saying the friend comes before your husband in the social pack order. If you were my wife and told me that, we'd be having a discussion about it.
> 
> I will say this, if that friend is around you and your husband I think it's something I would share. But I'm wired to be open book with my partner and would trust them to keep it between ourselves. This could also help your husband to know why your friend is a certain way, etc.




Keeping the secret that the other was raped and came to OP for comfort and support, you would have a problem if your wife did this? How insecure are you that your wife would have to tell? Her husband has no reason to get upset about this. It has no bearings on their marriage unless OP's H is the one that raped the girl or know who did and kept quiet about it. Open book is one thing, going around and telling someone else story is another. Now if OP was the one that was raped and did not come to her H but went to someone else then there would be a problem, a lack of trust in OP's Husband.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The most important thing is you didn't lie about knowing and explained your situation.

Kudos


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

He was enraged at the news and took it out on you. He too must have kind feelings for the young lady.

I would be very upset also. This can be very problematic. [A younger me] might have wanted to seek revenge and beat the dude to a pulp. Hopefully, your husband is not still at this stage of what.....immaturity?
Men cannot act this way anymore.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

You are free to your opinion. But when you attack someone for giving theirs, then you need learn that this is why people get perspective. When you discuss and can't do so without an insult it tends to deflate your argument.

So a friend got raped, so what? What would be so hard to share that with your spouse?

What if the same friend is having an affair instead, and yet again she doesn't want anyone to know. Should the wife keep that a secret too?

Where does it end? 


I much prefer to be an open book. A friend who's been raped then it's probably a good idea to tell the husband for understanding and perspective. 

It's called marriage where you share important information.. I'm an adult and can handle such facts and would treat the knowledge with respect as needed when dealing with her friend. When it comes to friends of the marriage, I lean heavily on the side of disclosure.



ABHale said:


> Keeping the secret that the other was raped and came to OP for comfort and support, you would have a problem if your wife did this? How insecure are you that your wife would have to tell? Her husband has no reason to get upset about this. It has no bearings on their marriage unless OP's H is the one that raped the girl or know who did and kept quiet about it. Open book is one thing, going around and telling someone else story is another. Now if OP was the one that was raped and did not come to her H but went to someone else then there would be a problem, a lack of trust in OP's Husband.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Gus, I usually agree with you but not here.

What if the friend was having an affair instead of having been raped?





GusPolinski said:


> It's not her secret to share.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

That first paragraph sums up exactly how I feel too...



samyeagar said:


> My wife and I are a package deal, and those close to us know it. We are surrounded by friends of our marriage and by extension, friends of both of us. There is an assumption that anything said to one of us, both of us know.
> 
> There is a difference between having to remember to tell a spouse everything, every little detail of every conversation, and talking fully and openly about something that comes up. I don't feel any need to recount everything to my wife, nor do I expect her to do that for me, but...if something comes up, and either of us asks the other about it, we are open and honest, and hold nothing back to the extent that the other wants to know. There have been things that we have each been told in confidence that the other is aware of, but we also both know and respect limits on how much to push.
> 
> In this case in particular, the rape, then selective details being posted openly on Facebook...seems like an unfortunate variation on the whole posting a status that says...Something bad happened to me, but it's too personal to talk about, so I'm not going to say anything else...begging the exact same questions from a lot of people that I imagine the husband is asking.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jdawg2015 said:


> Gus, I usually agree with you but not here.
> 
> What if the friend was having an affair instead of having been raped?


And if my uncle was my aunt, he would wear a dress.

What if?

But she was not having an affair. She was a young girl who had been raped.

And husband wanted to know ALL the details?

Ewwww! THAT has the potential to be all kinds of wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Maybe I missed something but it seems that the fact the woman was raped is being withheld, not the nitty gritty.

As for the friend confiding something, the rape and an affair are the same parallel.



MattMatt said:


> And if my uncle was my aunt, he would wear a dress.
> 
> What if?
> 
> ...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jdawg2015 said:


> Maybe I missed something but it seems that the fact the woman was raped is being withheld, not the nitty gritty.
> 
> As for the friend confiding something, the rape and an affair are the same parallel.


Only if rape and a sexual affair are the same thing.

That's not comparing apples and oranges. That is comparing apples with turnips and wondering why your apple pie tastes so bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

OP,

I am PROUD of you for keeping your friends' secret! :thumbup::smthumbup:

And frankly, I don't see you as being loyal to your friend OR DIS-loyal to your husband. I see you as remaining loyal to your _principles_, which is so hard to find these days. Your H. should have been proud of you instead of exhibiting his over-the-top immature reaction. 

And yes, I agree that his 'reaction' is a control move. Stick to your guns!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> And if my uncle was my aunt, he would wear a dress.
> 
> What if?
> 
> ...


Do you think the H was motivated by such creepy desires?

He seemed to really care about the young lady in question.

I sense an unhealthy dynamic between them and I don't think it is all on him.

His reaction does seem over the top which is why I am asking other questions.

OP isn't answering and only wants yes answers to if she is right and her husband wrong.

Her H isn't wrong. She isn't either. They are apparently wrong together because they have very different values.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

jdawg2015 said:


> You are free to your opinion. But when you attack someone for giving theirs, then you need learn that this is why people get perspective. When you discuss and can't do so without an insult it tends to deflate your argument.
> 
> So a friend got raped, so what? What would be so hard to share that with your spouse?
> 
> ...



OP's husband was not upset about her not telling him about the raped. He found out when the victim shared what she was willing to on FB. He got upset when she would not tell him the details of the rape. Why would he need to know the little details about it? Just knowing the girl was brutally raped should be all that is needed to treat her accordingly. 

IT IS NO ONES D*** BUSINESS TO KNOW THE DETAILS UNLESS THE VICTIM CONFIDES IN THEM. 

But I digress, you have put rape in the same category as cheating and should be talked about as freely I guess. And seeing that a wife can have no understanding and perspective on her own that she would have to come to her husband for it. Thank you for letting me know this, I will be sure to give my wife her understanding and perspective on everything for now on. Get a grip, really.

This is not a attack just my perspective on what the OP actually posted.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ABHale said:


> OP's husband was not upset about her not telling him about the raped. He found out when the victim shared what she was willing to on FB. He got upset when she would not tell him the details of the rape. Why would he need to know the little details about it? Just knowing the girl was brutally raped should be all that is needed to treat her accordingly.
> 
> IT IS NO ONES D*** BUSINESS TO KNOW THE DETAILS UNLESS THE VICTIM CONFIDES IN THEM.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Also, it was up to the *rape victim* what she shared, who she shared it with, when she shared it and how she shared it.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

jdawg2015 said:


> Gus, I usually agree with you but not here.
> 
> What if the friend was having an affair instead of having been raped?


I don't see what difference that would make? Yes, the friend having an affair would be wrong but it's still not the OP's secret to share.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jdawg2015 said:


> Gus, I usually agree with you but not here.
> 
> What if the friend was having an affair instead of having been raped?


You see the difference between the two, right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gert B Frobe (May 6, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gert B Frobe (May 6, 2011)

All I can tell you is what I would have done. My wife and I have zero, ZERO secrets, so I would have told her. BUT, if I had, had her betray that trust one time in our 40 years. No, I would not have told her. And some people are just too stupid or shallow to not let it "slip" out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

You're missing the point.

What if her friend has a husband who is a sex offender and she doesn't want word to get out so asks the wife not to tell anyone? Still keep the secret?

I am wired much like samy, if I have a friend that is a friend of the marriage there really is no need to keep secrets.

I don't need to know that friend Jane has a pimple on her behind, but major things like having been raped, engaging in affairs, criminal past, etc I do expect a fair amount of disclosure. What kind of marriage would I have if I don't know about the people who are supposedly friends of my spouse.




frusdil said:


> I don't see what difference that would make? Yes, the friend having an affair would be wrong but it's still not the OP's secret to share.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

ABHale said:


> OP's husband was not upset about her not telling him about the raped. He found out when the victim shared what she was willing to on FB. He got upset when she would not tell him the details of the rape. Why would he need to know the little details about it? Just knowing the girl was brutally raped should be all that is needed to treat her accordingly.
> 
> IT IS NO ONES D*** BUSINESS TO KNOW THE DETAILS UNLESS THE VICTIM CONFIDES IN THEM.
> 
> ...


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

I could use your own logic and in a relationship and completely snow you over. Basically pick and choose to be closed book. Not healthy.

If this is a close friend and hanging around my wife, you better believe I want to know some details of the event. Where, when, any suspects, etc. But if you think no need to pay attention to a rape of a person your wife is friends with and want to turn a blind eye then I would say you may want to get a grip.

I don't think he needs to know explicit details but I can't even fathom a relationship where my wife would not talk about this. Unthinkable dynamic in my brain.

And yes, a friends major life events like a rape and affair are on par. It speaks about the life and character of those you associate with.




ABHale said:


> OP's husband was not upset about her not telling him about the raped. He found out when the victim shared what she was willing to on FB. He got upset when she would not tell him the details of the rape. Why would he need to know the little details about it? Just knowing the girl was brutally raped should be all that is needed to treat her accordingly.
> 
> IT IS NO ONES D*** BUSINESS TO KNOW THE DETAILS UNLESS THE VICTIM CONFIDES IN THEM.
> 
> ...


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

jdawg2015 said:


> I could use your own logic and in a relationship and completely snow you over. Basically pick and choose to be closed book. Not healthy.
> 
> If this is a close friend and hanging around my wife, you better believe I want to know some details of the event. Where, when, any suspects, etc. But if you think no need to pay attention to a rape of a person your wife is friends with and want to turn a blind eye then I would say you may want to get a grip.
> 
> ...





Then the victim would have told OP's Husband if she had chose to. Maybe she saw something in him that made her not want to confide in him. Maybe the same thing that made him go over the top and remove his wedding ring like he did be cause he did not get the little details. I don't know and neither do you. You do not know OP's H but assumes he is like you, I assure you he is not like the two of us even with our different points of view. Because neither of us would have acted like he has, we would have been there for the friend then would have talked to the wife if need be. This was not OP's husbands actions. I think OP did right by her friend and her husband should be ashamed for his actions.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

And yes, a friends major life events like a rape and affair are on par. It speaks about the life and character of those you associate with.[/QUOTE]



Then we must agree to disagree. 

With you putting rape and having a affair on the same footing, are you saying both are the girls fault?

Then if you are you have never meet a rape victim, I have.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ABHale said:


> And yes, a friends major life events like a rape and affair are on par. It speaks about the life and character of those you associate with.




Then we must agree to disagree. 

With you putting rape and having a affair on the same footing, are you saying both are the girls fault?

Then if you are you have never meet a rape victim, I have.[/QUOTE]

Bad form. Not what he meant at all. Life altering events should not be hidden from a spouse about a mutual friend or acquaintance.

That is his position and mine.

Apparently a lot of marriages have quite a few secrets involved. To each their own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Then we must agree to disagree.
> 
> With you putting rape and having a affair on the same footing, are you saying both are the girls fault?
> 
> Then if you are you have never meet a rape victim, I have.


Bad form. Not what he meant at all. Life altering events should not be hidden from a spouse about a mutual friend or acquaintance.

That is his position and mine.

Apparently a lot of marriages have quite a few secrets involved. To each their own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]


ConanHub I think he is "It speaks about the life and character of those you associate with." He is bring in the victims character into question. I think we all agree that cheating, alcoholism, and things of this nature about mutual friends should be known between a couple. But not a victims experience. Who would they be able to turn to if they knew their hurt, shame, guilt, embarrassment was going to become publicly known.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

My wife and I don't keep secrets from each other. But if she had a friend who told her in confidence that she had been raped and didn't want her telling anyone, even me, I don't think I would have a problem with that.

Of course this assumes that this fact couldn't have any bearing on my relationship with my wife.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

It was not hidden from him. He asked if she knew about it after he saw the victims FB posting. He got mad because she would not give the little details of the rape. The victim posted everything she wanted people to know. OP did not do wrong by not adding to the information.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Dawnmrlg24 said:


> How is a friends rape, especially a 20 years old girls rape, who asked not to tell anyone, HAVE to be told to my husband? I do feel that some things are suppose to stay private especially when it has nothing to do with me, him or our marriage. I can see him getting angry and hurt if I was raped and didn't tell him but she is my friend and not his. (I know really childish but true.) So, *why does it matter so much*?


That is what you need to find out. FROM HIM.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

ABHale said:


> Then the victim would have told OP's Husband if she had chose to. Maybe she saw something in him that made her not want to confide in him. Maybe the same thing that made him go over the top and remove his wedding ring like he did be cause he did not get the little details. I don't know and neither do you. You do not know OP's H but assumes he is like you, I assure you he is not like the two of us even with our different points of view. Because neither of us would have acted like he has, we would have been there for the friend then would have talked to the wife if need be. This was not OP's husbands actions. I think OP did right by her friend and her husband should be ashamed for his actions.


I think you have actually hit the nail on the head here. There is a lot more to this than we all know. There seems to be additional long term dynamics at work, and the OP has not been back to follow up.

This is not a simple case where it can be definitively be said that yes, absolutely she should have kept the secret that was already partially out in the open by the secret tellers own actions.

For myself, and the dynamic between my wife and I, my first loyalty is to my wife and marriage, and I am not going to intentionally take actions that could erode that by presenting an appearance of deception.

I trust her that if she asks me something, wants clarification, additional details, that she has an internal need to know them. It is not up to me to decide if she actually needs to know, or if a friends confidence is more important to me than my wife's emotional well being.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

OP is long gone. But that marriage is doomed.

She'll be back on TAM in years to come. Secrets in marriage like this are the tip of the iceberg if you can't openly share with your spouse.

The H is young and acted immature, but so is the OP, and I also sense he felt that the wife was putting her friend before him by not telling him what he wanted to know.

Too bad we often only get one side of this. There is a reason why the H acted so strongly about it and OP is blowing it off. Huge mistake.




samyeagar said:


> I think you have actually hit the nail on the head here. There is a lot more to this than we all know. There seems to be additional long term dynamics at work, and the OP has not been back to follow up.
> 
> This is not a simple case where it can be definitively be said that yes, absolutely she should have kept the secret that was already partially out in the open by the secret tellers own actions.
> 
> ...


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Where in the world do you see me calling the character of the friend into question.

Simple parallelism and reading comprehension. Exactly why I said life and character. Like is about the rape, etc. Character is about affairs, past behavior. 

You are off the rails in your analysis and reading into things way beyond what I wrote.

But if you find it ok to have a wife/partner who would not share something with you about a friend, you may want to think long and hard about that and the precedence you set. Habits are hard to break.....

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Habit



ABHale said:


> ConanHub I think he is "It speaks about the life and character of those you associate with." He is bring in the victims character into question. I think we all agree that cheating, alcoholism, and things of this nature about mutual friends should be known between a couple. But not a victims experience. Who would they be able to turn to if they knew their hurt, shame, guilt, embarrassment was going to become publicly known.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Then why bring up character into a rape situation. Any way the victim was the daughter of a childhood friend of Hers, not a mutual friend. If you think this one secret will destroy a marriage then there wasn't much chance for it anyway. OP has said she has no secrets when it comes to thing dealing with the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jdawg2015 said:


> You're missing the point.
> 
> What if her friend has a husband who is a sex offender and she doesn't want word to get out so asks the wife not to tell anyone? Still keep the secret?
> 
> ...


What if... But it wasn't. And your comparison is like the Spruce Goose aircraft. It looks good, has the right number of wings, but it does not fly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

And you could not answer the question. That proves my point.

Once secret leads to the next and the next.

I feel really bad for those who are in marriages and can't be open with their spouse. 



MattMatt said:


> What if... But it wasn't. And your comparison is like the Spruce Goose aircraft. It looks good, has the right number of wings, but it does not fly.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

jdawg2015 said:


> So a friend got raped, so what? What would be so hard to share that with your spouse?


With that single statement you just set a whole new level of heartless, selfish, disgusting and uncaring that I never though possible.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

PUH-LEASE. Drama much?

Those who really want to be objective can discuss, while those who can't use obfuscation to failingly refute a position.




WonkyNinja said:


> With that single statement you just set a whole new level of heartless, selfish, disgusting and uncaring that I never though possible.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

It is not about not being open with your spouse. It is about helping a victim through, I don't know, I have never had that pain, but I have held a young girl that has..... But she did ask me to share her story with my wife, she knew us both. If she had not I would have never told until the victim was ready to. You see I trust my wife's judgement in these matters and she the same.


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## Dawnmrlg24 (Mar 2, 2016)

Sorry I haven't been on lately but have been busy and haven't be online to check this post.

When it comes to any situation that affects my husband and I, I don't hold anything back! After giving this more thought over the last few days, I still feel that I am still right about not discussing my FD rape with him. How does her rape affect my relationship with my husband? Nothing! I didn't feel the need to bring such a negative experience out. To me running to my husband and telling him she was rape, is in a way gossiping. It is not my story to tell to anyone. I trust my husband but he can not lie and I know his actions while around her would show I broke her trust and at this time with her still healing from her attack doesn't need to feel she can't trust me. So, it was a decision that I had to make. I did give him vague details of the situations after he asked me if I knew, which I was honest about! I don't lie! He can ask me anything he wants and I will tell him but in this situation I didn't lie only watered down what happened because I still feel that it is her story to tell and if she wants those details out, than I will tell him more. I am following the cues from the VICTIM of the rape! Over the years I have had many friend confide in me these things. So, should I go and run to tell him all these other peoples business? 

Honestly, I feel that his friends are his friends and I really don't care what his friends do just as long it doesn't affect my marriage. It is none of my business if his friend is cheating on his wife or vice versa. I trust my husband's judgement of who his friends are and I trust my husband not lie to me. If I would of lied and said I didn't know about my FD rape, than I can see why his would be so upset. 



Over the years, I have worked with many Elderly people and I always asked them what kept there relationship together for so long, many said communication. Some also said that they had there own time. Meaning, they had their own friends and their own hobbies. Couple of them said it was great to have "separate" friends and hobbies because some times you us need that little break from each other. Otherwise, you might get tired of each other.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

The only way to keep a secret is to not tell anyone. Once you do, it is in the public domain and you never know what will happen to your secret or the people who know it. I keep my secrets to myself.


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## luvinhim (Jun 25, 2014)

No one has dealt with the issue of her husband. Maybe he is someone she cannot tell a secret to. My husband is a person I give limited information to. From the many years of being married to him, I know i cannot tell him everything. He is judgemental type of person who know it all. And if you do not agree with him a big argument ensues. 

I would love to be able to lay it all on the table with my hubbie, but he is not that type of man. Maybe the OP's husband is like that in a way.

And I find it so hard to believe that spouses tell each other every little thing. The only person who know everything about us is GOD. We all have a skeleton or 2 in the closet.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> What if... But it wasn't. And your comparison is like the Spruce Goose aircraft. It looks good, has the right number of wings, but it does not fly.


This is off-topic, but the Spruce Goose flew: Spruce Goose flies - Nov 02, 1947 - HISTORY.com


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

So why did you ask?

Not all of us agree with you.

You are mixing a lot of concepts and applying them in ways that will lead you to trouble. I say that not as a wise ass or poking you in the eye.

You really don't care what his friends do? Really? I bet I can come up with a long list of things his friends do that would make you think twice about being so cavalier. You ever here the quote, "the line between bravery and stupidity is so thin you do not know you've crossed it until your dead?" 

Turn a blind eye to who and what your spouses friends are doing? Good luck with that. 

So much I could say about the word choices you've written. Your marriage is in trouble and you don't see it. 



Dawnmrlg24 said:


> Sorry I haven't been on lately but have been busy and haven't be online to check this post.
> 
> When it comes to any situation that affects my husband and I, I don't hold anything back! After giving this more thought over the last few days, I still feel that I am still right about not discussing my FD rape with him. How does her rape affect my relationship with my husband? Nothing! I didn't feel the need to bring such a negative experience out. To me running to my husband and telling him she was rape, is in a way gossiping. It is not my story to tell to anyone. I trust my husband but he can not lie and I know his actions while around her would show I broke her trust and at this time with her still healing from her attack doesn't need to feel she can't trust me. So, it was a decision that I had to make. I did give him vague details of the situations after he asked me if I knew, which I was honest about! I don't lie! He can ask me anything he wants and I will tell him but in this situation I didn't lie only watered down what happened because I still feel that it is her story to tell and if she wants those details out, than I will tell him more. I am following the cues from the VICTIM of the rape! Over the years I have had many friend confide in me these things. So, should I go and run to tell him all these other peoples business?
> 
> ...


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Let me guess, you expect him to tell you things though because YOU think you can handle it, right? You live on Lake Wobegon?

Or MAYBE he has a genuine expectation that his wife would tell him something when he asks? Whodathunkit?



luvinhim said:


> No one has dealt with the issue of her husband. Maybe he is someone she cannot tell a secret to. My husband is a person I give limited information to. From the many years of being married to him, I know i cannot tell him everything. He is judgemental type of person who know it all. And if you do not agree with him a big argument ensues.
> 
> I would love to be able to lay it all on the table with my hubbie, but he is not that type of man. Maybe the OP's husband is like that in a way.
> 
> And I find it so hard to believe that spouses tell each other every little thing. The only person who know everything about us is GOD. We all have a skeleton or 2 in the closet.


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

Dawnmrlg24 said:


> Sorry I haven't been on lately but have been busy and haven't be online to check this post.
> 
> When it comes to any situation that affects my husband and I, I don't hold anything back! After giving this more thought over the last few days, I still feel that I am still right about not discussing my FD rape with him. How does her rape affect my relationship with my husband? Nothing! I didn't feel the need to bring such a negative experience out. To me running to my husband and telling him she was rape, is in a way gossiping. It is not my story to tell to anyone. I trust my husband but he can not lie and I know his actions while around her would show I broke her trust and at this time with her still healing from her attack doesn't need to feel she can't trust me. So, it was a decision that I had to make. I did give him vague details of the situations after he asked me if I knew, which I was honest about! I don't lie! He can ask me anything he wants and I will tell him but in this situation I didn't lie only watered down what happened because I still feel that it is her story to tell and if she wants those details out, than I will tell him more. I am following the cues from the VICTIM of the rape! Over the years I have had many friend confide in me these things. So, should I go and run to tell him all these other peoples business?
> 
> ...


I think you did the right thing by not telling anyone.
Is your H still upset with you?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

tech-novelist said:


> This is off-topic, but the Spruce Goose flew: Spruce Goose flies - Nov 02, 1947 - HISTORY.com


That was my point. It only made one short flight and never again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jdawg2015 said:


> And you could not answer the question. That proves my point.
> 
> Once secret leads to the next and the next.
> 
> I feel really bad for those who are in marriages and can't be open with their spouse.


I answered your question. If you cannot accept my answer that is one thing. But pretending thst I did not answer your question is another matter.

You are derailing this thread by your constant denialistIC behaviour.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Denialistic even a word? Regardless, this is my view and basing it on wisdom and previous experience.

If would never accept a woman who would not be able to be open with me. If I ask I expect and answer and applies if she asks something from me.

I can't see what is the big deal about telling your spouse about the rape of your friend. I'd actually want to know as then you could be sympathetic, etc.

TAM has gotten to the point I even start questioning many thread as trolling and this one has a hint of it.....



MattMatt said:


> I answered your question. If you cannot accept my answer that bid one thing. But pretending thst I did not answer your question is another matter.
> 
> You are derailing this thread by your constant denialistIC behaviour.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Dawnmrlg24 said:


> A friends daughters (Jean - a fake name to make things easier to understand) of mine was raped a few months ago and she confided in me the details of what happened. She asked me not to say anything to anyone and just needed to talk to someone about what happened. Jean did do what she needed to do with authorities and what not. So, the other day she posted this long status on Facebook about her life and everything that has happened so far in her life - she felt it best to do so. Well, my husband saw the post and started questioning me about the whole situation. He asked me if I knew and I said yes because I wasn't going to lie. Then he wanted to know more but I didn't feel that it wasn't my place to tell him everything that happened. I told him if he wanted more details to talk to Jean because I didn't feel it was my place to talk about the details of what happened to her. I pretty much gave him a watered down version and told him that she was doing ok - as ok as you can in this situation.
> 
> Jean told me this in secrecy and didn't want anyone to know at the time, so, I never told my husband about this happening to her. *My husband has become so angry at me that I kept a "secret" from him. He is so angry that he took off his wedding band *and pretty much saying that I don't trust him or that I trust my friends over him. *He is also not trusting me and saying that I must be keeping more things from him and I am not being truthful to him which is untrue. He starting saying that I didn't trust him and what would he do with the information, gossip about it? He pretty much is acting like I was cheating on him and keeping that a secret. *
> 
> ...


No you are not wrong.

My immediate reaction is that your husband is looking for reasons to "neg" you and this is an excellent opportunity.

Would he have been so interested in the details of this rape had it been your friend and not her young nubile daughter? Ask him that.

I have been in situations in which people make issues out of nothing just ot have something to complain about and to negotiate with.

If I were you, I would go into spy mode and see if he is doing something that really is an issue between the two of you.

When I was dating my husband, he had some unfinished business with his just a friend a ex. While we were in an airport, I was stressed by a woman behaving weirdly, invading my personal space. I made a remark PRIVATELY to my (future) husband. And he called me a racist.

Never mind that he had gone out with his just a friend ex 2 days before our trip an did not tell me about it.

When he brought it up again, 3 months later, it was a weekend in which just a year before had special meaning to him (involving her). (you can figure these things out on Facebook).

(Let's not also forget that she texted him one evening (before he met me) saying that she was "too white to be here." And he didn't see that remark from her as racist.)

These days? It was just a joke according to him and can't I take a joke from time to time. 

So Dawn, be prepared for a lot double talking and how when he is concerned it is important, and when he is not concerned "it has nothing to do with it." --Whatever "it" is.

He may be contemplating dating someone else, or worse, already doing it and trying to find ways to justify his odious behavior.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

There are obviously other issues at play which the OP won't address or even be questioned about.

She won't even answer some basic questions about her marriage and husband.

Just keeps basically hitting replay on her first post.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

luvinhim said:


> No one has dealt with the issue of her husband. Maybe he is someone she cannot tell a secret to. My husband is a person I give limited information to. From the many years of being married to him, I know i cannot tell him everything. He is judgemental type of person who know it all. And if you do not agree with him a big argument ensues.
> 
> I would love to be able to lay it all on the table with my hubbie, but he is not that type of man. Maybe the OP's husband is like that in a way.
> 
> And I find it so hard to believe that spouses tell each other every little thing. The only person who know everything about us is GOD. We all have a skeleton or 2 in the closet.


That is an area that should be worked on. Not an attractive trait your H has or a healthy one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Let him be mad. You didn't do anything wrong in the situation you've described.

Sent from my SM-G900P using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jdawg2015 said:


> Denialistic even a word? Regardless, this is my view and basing it on wisdom and previous experience.
> 
> If would never accept a woman who would not be able to be open with me. If I ask I expect and answer and applies if she asks something from me.
> 
> ...


It is a word now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

My wife and I compliment each other in many ways, and in situations like this, we would actively seek each other out for the input and counsel of the other. Act as sounding boards for each other. Gain a possibly different perspective, be the other half of our brains if you will to better deal with and help with the situation. It is the level of trust we have with each other, not just that they will keep things between us, but that their insight is actually valuable and helpful.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

There is a big difference between _privacy_ and _secrecy_. 

_Secrecy_ implies _wrongdoing_; _privacy_ does not.

The fact that this woman was raped was not "secret". She is a victim. There's nothing "wrong" with being the victim of a rape. 

The matter however is _private_. If she tells someone about her rape in private, she has the right to expect that whoever she tells would keep it private, especially if _asked_ to do so. 

Spouses DO have the right to privacy. I have the right to keep a journal that I do not share with my husband. I have the right to close the bathroom door and LOCK IT, if I want privacy. I have the right NOT to tell my spouse every thought/feeling that I have. I'm not obligated to share every detail of my day with my spouse. I have the right to my own private thoughts without being badgered into "tell all". If someone tells me something in confidence, I have an obligation to keep that confidence. Period. 

Just because we are married it does NOT mean that our values go out the window when it comes to our spouse. I would never tell my husband something like, "I don't care WHO you lie to, just don't ever lie to ME!" I wouldn't want my spouse to lie to ANYONE, INCLUDING me! After all, I would want a spouse with good _character_, and I simply don't have a big enough ego to expect my spouse to make ME the exception! 

I stand by my original post on this thread. 

Way to go, OP!!!:smile2:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Vega said:


> There is a big difference between _privacy_ and _secrecy_.
> 
> _Secrecy_ implies _wrongdoing_; _privacy_ does not.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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