# Is that all I think about?



## helpwanted (Sep 16, 2012)

A little background My husband and I have been together about 8 years. Sex was absolutely amazing up until the beginning of this year. I admit things have been hectic and a bit stressful but I'm at my sexual prime and I feel like I am being neglected. 

We have sex maybe once a month if I am lucky. I am still young late 20s, still have a great body, still attractive. My body wants sex at least once a day but I would settle for 3-4 times a week.

I feel myself becoming very sexually frustrated and quite irritable when I am forced to wait for him. I have tried numerous times to initiate sex with him but I am always turned down. He says he's tired or not in the mood.(I thought those were my lines?) LOL Sometimes I catch myself daydreaming about having passionate wild sex then realize that's not my current reality. 

He is in early 30s. He is still in good shape, sexy to me at least. But no sex drive. Like I said before HE WAS AWESOME in bed. I mean to the point where I would be ready for round two and think about him for days after. Now NOTHING FOR MONTHS.. AHHH

I have discussed this with him a few times and all he ever says is " Is Sex All You Think About?" I want to say well "yes, When i'm not getting any for months, what do you expect." But I just say No that isn't all I think about but I needed to know what's going on? He just says he's stressed, I'm selfish, I never think about his needs.. Not sure how he comes up with any of that considering I provide all his needs and then some. 

I have waited patiently for him to come around, things to calm down. I haven't nagged him, haven't stop doing anything that I normally do. I act like things are fine even though I am dying inside. So much to say but I don't want to be 'That Girl'.

I am not sure if it's only me but if I'm stressed sex is awesome for me. It releases most of my stress for a while. Maybe I'm the only one. 

Thank you in advance for reading and any questions are welcome.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How often do you have sex?


----------



## helpwanted (Sep 16, 2012)

Once a month if I am lucky.


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I found this article regarding sex. Although it is based on how men feel when they are refused sex, it probably still relates to you as the one being rejected.

What my wife doesn't understand, is that it is not about the sex itself. It is about being desired and cared about. The one thing that really resounded with me was the sentence:

"‘No’ is not no to sex—as she might feel. It is no to me as I am."

TO WIVES: Why Is Sex So Important? | Marriage Missions International


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

For things to be going along great for 7 years and then poof next nothing for the last year is pretty unusual. :scratchhead:

You said that things have been a bit stressful. What is different from last year to this year? Does he watch porn and masturbate frequently? 

It does sound from his responses to you that he is feeling pressured to perform. And answering a question with a question really doesn't help communication about it. eg "Is sex all you think about? " -


----------



## helpwanted (Sep 16, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> I found this article regarding sex. Although it is based on how men feel when they are refused sex, it probably still relates to you as the one being rejected.
> 
> What my wife doesn't understand, is that it is not about the sex itself. It is about being desired and cared about. The one thing that really resounded with me was the sentence:
> 
> ...


Thank you for this. I am going to go check it out.


----------



## helpwanted (Sep 16, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> For things to be going along great for 7 years and then poof next nothing for the last year is pretty unusual. :scratchhead:
> 
> You said that things have been a bit stressful. What is different from last year to this year? Does he watch porn and masturbate frequently?
> 
> It does sound from his responses to you that he is feeling pressured to perform. And answering a question with a question really doesn't help communication about it. eg "Is sex all you think about? " -


Things are way different this year. New place we are living, New Job title for both of us. A lot rides on him at work.
Which I totally understand as my job is also stressful and very time demanding. Any error on my part could cause million dollar losses. So I understand how stress could play a huge role. 

However NO sex for a month wouldn't be an option for me.

He doesn't watch porn unless we are away on business trips or away from each other for a long period of time. I have no problem with that as I also self pleasure when I can. I just don't understand.

I am almost scared to try and initiate anything because of rejections and I know if I try and get rejected he will be upset with me and I will have to wait even longer!


----------



## homebuilder (Aug 25, 2012)

I love it when the spouse who isn't meeting your sexual needs says your being selfish for asking.that really chaos my a$$ stop feeding him for a few days then when he ask for food say is that all you think about. God I would love that
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## helpwanted (Sep 16, 2012)

homebuilder said:


> I love it when the spouse who isn't meeting your sexual needs says your being selfish for asking.that really chaos my a$$ stop feeding him for a few days then when he ask for food say is that all you think about. God I would love that
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand the psychology behind him saying I'm being selfish. It's the fact that he knows that he isn't meeting my needs he becomes defensive and tries to blame me.
His natural reaction is to blame others for him lacking.

What I don't understand is what has happened to his sex drive. It has VANISHED!


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

helpwanted said:


> I have tried numerous times to initiate sex with him but I am always turned down. He says he's tired or not in the mood.(I thought those were my lines?)


They shouldn't be anyones lines.



helpwanted said:


> I have discussed this with him a few times and all he ever says is " Is Sex All You Think About?" I want to say well "yes, When i'm not getting any for months, what do you expect." But I just say No that isn't all I think about but I needed to know what's going on? He just says he's stressed, I'm selfish, I never think about his needs.. Not sure how he comes up with any of that considering I provide all his needs and then some.
> 
> I have waited patiently for him to come around, things to calm down. I haven't nagged him, haven't stop doing anything that I normally do. I act like things are fine even though I am dying inside. So much to say but I don't want to be 'That Girl'.
> 
> I am not sure if it's only me but if I'm stressed sex is awesome for me. It releases most of my stress for a while. Maybe I'm the only one.


Speaking as a man here, I'd first like to say it's perfectly fine if you are thinking about sex all the time, and it is for the reason you said... on here. When you say "yes, When i'm not getting any for months, what do you expect." that is the right answer. When there is something a person needs but isn't getting nearly enough to fill the need, they tend to think about it. If you are tired, you can't wait to go to bed, if you're hungry you're counting down the minutes until you eat. If you haven't been laid since September, well, you're going to think about sex. A lot.

Problem is you didn't say that to him. You said no, you don't think about it a lot. First, that's a lie. Second, telling him you don't think about it a lot is working against you. It deminishes how much value you place on this need and thus allows him the freedom to not see it as as big of an issue as it really is.

He in no way should be calling you down for this need. Additionally, the reason he answers your question with a question -"Is Sex All You Think About?"- is because he wants to put the problem back on you. YOU have a healthy sex drive, YOU want to fix the problem, HE doesn't. He knows this but instead of taking responsibility he turns it around on you and asks if that's all you think about, implying that it is your issue, not his or both of yours as acouple.

Call him on it because it's bull****. 

I have a very simply thoery about how a marriage should work and it applies to everything, not just sex. Two rules; one, express your needs and desires and find out your partners needs and desires. Two; make your spouses wants a NEED for you to achieve, and vice versa. 

In other words, find someone compatible and make sure their every want and whim is your goal to achieve, and vice versa make sure they are doing the same for you. If you both are completely happy, hard to have a marriage go wrong.

He isn't meeting rule number two. Now I'm not saying he can't say no from time to time, for sure he can, but he's not even trying. He's not giving your wants, nevermind your needs, any thought when it comes to sex. Call him on this, because it's bull**** and you've given him roughly seven months to figure it out. That's plenty of time. He needs to man up and admit there's an issue and figure out the root cause, not just tell you to get over it and deal with it on your own.

I feel for you as a woman. For men, this sort of rejection is unfortunately commonplace. But because it is, we have strength in comradery. Women usually don't, and it can feel like there's truly something wrong when a man turns you down sexually for a long period of time. trust me, there's nothing wrong with you. The fact you are on a message board seeking help speaks to that. The issue is him. 

Believe in yourself and kick his ass into gear.


----------



## helpwanted (Sep 16, 2012)

Is it natural for a mans sex drive to go in his late 30s? 

I feel like i want it more that I ever had which is due to my age and hormones but damn. Can't a lady get a break and not have to beg for sex.

I sometime think how easy it would be to get it elsewhere but I am not that kind of lady. I am not a cheater but sometimes It seems like it's the easy road.


----------



## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

An ex brother-in-law of mine had the perfect response to the "Is sex all you think about" question...

"No sex is not all I think about, but I do always think about it.


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Good response. Out of curiousity, is sex the reason he's now the ex-brother-in-law? Or did you leave that particular family?


----------



## helpwanted (Sep 16, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> They shouldn't be anyones lines.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for taking your time and responding.
I agree with you 100%. I should have been honest and say how I felt, I am now having that lie smack me in the face. I need to talk to him tonight and tell him just exactly how I feel and if he gets mad at me and makes me wait another month oh well. At least it will be out in the open and the ball will be back in his court.

I noticed that he has shut down lately as well. For example, He will get himself a drink in the kitchen and not think twice about asking if I need anything. Maybe it's just my kind and nurturing nature to make sure he isn't in need of anything and that he is well taken care of. It really bothers be that he only thinks of himself sometimes. he does do things for me financially but never the little things which matter the most to me.

If we fight he always reverts back to how he pays for things, makes sure we have food and he provides for me. Then I am ungrateful, a *****. I always tell him it's not the money that makes me happy. It's being there for me, showing me you care with your heart not your wallet. He doesn't get it. I could be happy pay check to pay check as long as my needs are met. 

I just don't get it. The more i think about this the more I feel there is an underlining problem he is hiding.

Again thank you for your response it has giving me a lot to ponder.


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

helpwanted said:


> Thank you so much for taking your time and responding.
> I agree with you 100%. I should have been honest and say how I felt, I am now having that lie smack me in the face. I need to talk to him tonight and tell him just exactly how I feel and if he gets mad at me and makes me wait another month oh well. At least it will be out in the open and the ball will be back in his court.
> 
> I noticed that he has shut down lately as well. For example, He will get himself a drink in the kitchen and not think twice about asking if I need anything. Maybe it's just my kind and nurturing nature to make sure he isn't in need of anything and that he is well taken care of. It really bothers be that he only thinks of himself sometimes. he does do things for me financially but never the little things which matter the most to me.
> ...


Your welcome. Glad to offer up my 'wisdom'.

The ball will be back in his court and puts the onus on him. This problem is both of yours since it affects the marriage, but all you can do is your part. Call him on the problem and ask him to help you solve it. IF he refuses, that's on him and frankly, I view it as a break in your marital vows to a degree. I mean, for better for worse, richer, poorer, but when it comes to sex you're on your own? I don't recall hearing that.

I'd point out the shutting down thing as well, though I'd give a better example than the issue of a glass of water. It sounds clear to me he's willing to argue and getting disappointed over a glass of water to him will sound very weak. I'm like you, I like those little acts of kindness done for me as well and notice when they are gone, but to him, it'll likely come off as pettiness. Give a better example and discuss the issue with him.

In your arguments, his revrting sounds again like blameshifting. He's putting the blame on you. It's not about how HE doesn't do something for you, rather it's about how he gives YOU all this stuff already (food, providing for you, etc.) That's just a means to chift the blame back to you.

Next time he does it, tell him you're thankful for all of those things, but that you can also provide those for yourself if you really wanted to and the reason you got married isn't for a paycheck in your bank account. You got married for a paycheck in your love account. And he hasn't deposited a cheque in that account in a long time to the point it's likely overdrawn.

I'd recommend reading His Needs/Her Needs. He should read it too, but likely won't. It's a good read covering both sides of a relationship and gives you an understanding of the value of some wants/needs in a relationship. It does talk a bit about the value of sex to a man, so that might frustrate you to no end but the rest of the book you should find helpful.

Btw, as for an underlying issue, you should do your due diligence and rule that out. There are some things to look into, such as low testosterone and of course stress. Additionally, do not rule out an affair. I'm not saying he is cheating on you, but a fast and drastic change in your sex drive is a big red flag for that.


----------



## helpwanted (Sep 16, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Your welcome. Glad to offer up my 'wisdom'.
> 
> The ball will be back in his court and puts the onus on him. This problem is both of yours since it affects the marriage, but all you can do is your part. Call him on the problem and ask him to help you solve it. IF he refuses, that's on him and frankly, I view it as a break in your marital vows to a degree. I mean, for better for worse, richer, poorer, but when it comes to sex you're on your own? I don't recall hearing that.
> 
> ...


You're right. I am going to discuss this with him tonight and hope he understands where I am coming from even though I know that is highly unlikely.
I definitely didn't hear anything about sex in our vows either LOL.. I need to find a better example and try my best to get it out quick. He shuts down so quick I think he can hear my voice but has no idea what I am saying. (have to admit I have done this a few times) so whatever I come up with is swift and to the point.

I am going to look into that book. I know for a fact he won't read it I have tried to pass on a couple great reads to him and he says I don't need your self help books. They all say the same. Oh he is impossible.

I am almost to the point of breaking. The more time goes on this way the more I find myself drifting away from him.
So sad and this all could have been avoided if he was being normal. DAMNIT!


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Ask him if sex is important in a marriage.

If he says no, tell him then he won't mind if you get it elsewhere. You promised monogamy, but not celibacy.

If he says yes, tell him that an important part of the marriage is missing.

I think you have to lay out what he has to do. If it's something possibly physical or mental, he needs to get himself to a doctor and get it fixed. If he says it isn't, then it's up to him to be motivated to fix it somehow, but without an intimate, fulfilling sexual component to the marriage, the marriage won't last.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

helpwanted said:


> The more i think about this the more I feel there is an underlining problem he is hiding.


I've been where you are and yes there is an underlying problem. In fact there may be multiple problems. And one thing I can almost guarantee....talking about it won't solve anything. See he's angry with you and he's punishing you for some reason. So the more he sees you hurting the better he feels.

What you need to do instead of talk is observe. Try to figure out what's really going on. Why he is so angry? Play detective so to speak. You can't fix a problem you don't understand.


----------



## helpwanted (Sep 16, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> Ask him if sex is important in a marriage.
> 
> If he says no, tell him then he won't mind if you get it elsewhere. You promised monogamy, but not celibacy.
> 
> ...


I am going to think about asking him this. As I said before he gets angry with me and frustrated if I bring up the whole sex thing. I am to nervous to say anything even though it is such a big problem to me.

I know I am digging my own grave of unhappiness. I will have a great speech together in my head and right when the conversations starts everything that sounded so perfect is gone from my brain. I guess that my own problem but damn. Maybe I will write him a letter. thank you for you thoughts.


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Great idea to write him a letter. Just read it yourself so he can understand your tone and the feelings behind it.


----------



## helpwanted (Sep 16, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I've been where you are and yes there is an underlying problem. In fact there may be multiple problems. And one thing I can almost guarantee....talking about it won't solve anything. See he's angry with you and he's punishing you for some reason. So the more he sees you hurting the better he feels.
> 
> What you need to do instead of talk is observe. Try to figure out what's really going on. Why he is so angry? Play detective so to speak. You can't fix a problem you don't understand.


I agree. talking to him is like talking to a brick wall. It goes in and nothing comes out. I have talked to him a few times about my feeling of loneliness and lack of intimacy but all he says is what about him? I just never understand him. I am always there to listen, wait on him hand and foot, Make sure every need of his is met.

I just want to make love to him!! Why is this so difficult. Never in my whole life have I ever felt so self conscious and rejected.

I am going to take your advice and just sit back and observe I guess I have waiting 8 months for things to change so a little bit longer wont hurt. If things don't change soon. I am going to have to take drastic measures..
Thank you for you time and response.


----------



## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Good response. Out of curiousity, is sex the reason he's now the ex-brother-in-law? Or did you leave that particular family?


I left the family...


----------



## helpwanted (Sep 16, 2012)

dormant said:


> I left the family...


Loved that response! i was thinking about using it next time the sex talk comes up!!


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

helpwanted said:


> Is it natural for a mans sex drive to go in his late 30s?
> 
> I feel like i want it more that I ever had which is due to my age and hormones but damn. Can't a lady get a break and not have to beg for sex.
> 
> I sometime think how easy it would be to get it elsewhere but I am not that kind of lady. I am not a cheater but sometimes It seems like it's the easy road.


No, its not natural for a man i his 30's to loose his sex drive so rapidly.
He needs to check a doctor and have his test levels and other stuff checked.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, no it's not natural for a male in their 30s to lose their libido. I'm almost 40 and I can have sex more than once a day easily. I don't for a number of reasons (work, family life, etc) but I still have a sex drive every bit as high as when I was 18. OK, well maybe not quite that high, because I could never have sex 5 or more times in a day like I used to. But you get the point.


----------



## helpwanted (Sep 16, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> OP, no it's not natural for a male in their 30s to lose their libido. I'm almost 40 and I can have sex more than once a day easily. I don't for a number of reasons (work, family life, etc) but I still have a sex drive every bit as high as when I was 18. OK, well maybe not quite that high, because I could never have sex 5 or more times in a day like I used to. But you get the point.


Well I guess that's good and bad. I am hoping this dry spell will pass. This is killing me. I am wondering if you had times in your thirties where it went down or a period of time where you just didn't feel like performing or you have been steady up till your age now?


----------



## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

helpwanted said:


> Well I guess that's good and bad. I am hoping this dry spell will pass. This is killing me. I am wondering if you had times in your thirties where it went down or a period of time where you just didn't feel like performing or you have been steady up till your age now?


Heck, I'm 44 and I only think my sex drive has increased over the years. I know my masturbation level has increased and also the power of my O's seem to be stronger. Call it a silly man thing, but I was a bit shocked/amazed about some of the porn I have watched, how some men just dribble out when they ejaculate. I have tested my distance and can reach out past 6 feet at times. If laying down, can usually shoot myself in the face if I wanted.


----------



## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

This story kind of reminds me of my situation. Both my wife and I are pretty HD in general. But I am a total nerd programmer and I get pretty excited about my work and have been known to completely forget about sex for months at a time while I disappear into this sort of platonic la-la land. Then when I find some time to clear my head, my sex interest comes rushing back in a huge way, and it's like I'm trying to make up all the lost time. Meanwhile my wife is also a nerd but is not as deep into her work as I am to mine. So in the early years she would often get rejected or try to wait for me to initiate, but I often wouldn't and she would pick a huge fight about something that I thought was trivial and stupid to fight about. But it was always really about sex.

In order to keep our relationship together I had to learn that just as its not ok to go months without paying the bills, or calling my mom, or doing basic hygiene, it's not ok to keep your wife waiting for sex for weeks. I don't think it was ever months but the frequency got pretty low at times.

With experience I've figured out that the main thing I need in order to reset my head when I get in this state is some time alone, to just look at porn and masturbate, and kind of reconnect with the whole concept of sex. So if your husband doesn't have much time alone, when he knows he will be alone, I would suggest creating some for him, on an ongoing regular basis.

After that, the other thing is diet and exercise. Part of this for me is just having some time alone, and also getting reconnected with the world of earthly physical delights. And the other part of it is the change in body chemistry that comes with exercise. 

I will say that I noticed a big boost in my libido after my in-laws started feeding me a plate full of tree nuts (pistacios, pecans, walnuts, pine nuts and cashews) every morning. Normally having her parents in the house is a total sex killer, but on that visit I found myself just unable to resist f$cking her every single night. Even though it was lights off, under the covers sex which i'm normally not that into. And I've been doing that as part of my breakfast every morning since, and my sex drive has been raging. There is this old saying that "nuts are good for your nuts" and I think there is some truth to that. So maybe send your guy out of the house with a bag of tree nuts every morning for a while?

So those are a couple things that might help level him out in the short term. But in the long term I agree with other posters that he needs to get the message that regular, good sex is part of marriage deal, vows or not. It's not something you can just ignore.


----------



## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

You shoud write the letter as others have suggested, and you should also start looking around for a marriage counselor/sex therapist, and insist that he goes with you.

If he refuses to go to MC/ST, that tells you something right there (he has something to hide, and/or isn't interested in investing in the relationship). In that case, you should go by yourself, that will also help you cope with the situation.

With respect to the above poster and ejaculatory force/distance, I'm a 50 y/o male, and I have shot myself in the face probably half a dozen times in the past 6 ir 8 months. My wife gets a big kick out of that. I'm not on T therapy, or anything like that, a 30 y/o who is not obese and who is reasonably healthy should have a strong sex drive.


----------



## HockeyGuy28 (Oct 22, 2012)

I am sorry but it angers me when I hear stories of women not getting enough from their man...

I don't know about most guys and maybe it will change for me, but I am in my mid to late 20's and I would love to have a girl that wants to have sex all the time. 

Helpwanted I am in the same boat...my wife and I have sex 1-2 times a month and its boring...no matter how many talks, no matter how many new BC's still no change. No drive at all. 

I wish I had an answer for you, maybe its a dry spell maybe not...but in my eyes, even if I was stressed, sex is something I would still want to help relieve it and get my mind of things. I could be sick, or have injuries and I am still going to have sex. The only times I have ever really turned down sex was to try and prove a point or because I was so frustrated...and even those times were hard...(no pun intended)

Obviously you have been together a while. I would make sure you let him know how serious of an issue it is and dig for details and what might have happened to him. Doesnt seem right that a switch would just go off like that.


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

helpwanted said:


> Well I guess that's good and bad. I am hoping this dry spell will pass. This is killing me. I am wondering if you had times in your thirties where it went down or a period of time where you just didn't feel like performing or you have been steady up till your age now?


I'm 35 and I've noticed my drive waning.

I used to be good for sex everyday when I was 20. Somethimes more than once a day. Now, I'm usually happy with 2x a week but on Sunday we had sex and that was the first time in 12 days.

Usually 12 days would drive me crazy, but it didn't really bother me that much until about day 10. I was surprised and a bit upset that it didn't bother me.

Lately, I've found that even 2x a week is starting to not be a big issue with me and I'd wager we've had sex six times in October, which is down from the normal 8-10x. I think for me, the real appeal right now is the type of sex. I'd like to try different things in the bedroom, so the same type of sex, the regular routine, doesn't hold quite the same appeal, though I do still like it.



IndyTM said:


> Heck, I'm 44 and I only think my sex drive has increased over the years. I know my masturbation level has increased and also the power of my O's seem to be stronger. *Call it a silly man thing, but I was a bit shocked/amazed about some of the porn I have watched, how some men just dribble out when they ejaculate. I have tested my distance and can reach out past 6 feet at times. If laying down, can usually shoot myself in the face if I wanted. *


This reminded me of a funny story as i almost got myself in the face too.

I was geting a BJ and when the orgasm came, she pulled away, because she doesn't like to let me finsih in her mouth. She put her hand up thinking it was enough, but we were in the dark and the next thing I know I heard something go by my ear. Then I heard something hit the wall behind me. I knew what was going on and blocked it myself. Found out later that yep, I had hit the wall behind the bed. So I went at least 4 1/2 feet, and likely would have went a lot farther than that had the wall not been in the way. Still have a good laugh at that.

I never knew this was odd until my fiancee because I had never nticed before that not all men can do that. I don't watch a lot of porn and the type I do watch I'm not into watching the man ejaculate, unless it's actually inside the woman, so you can't tell things like power and distance that way. It wasn't until she told me that most men just dribble out as you described that i relaized I have a rather odd talent.

Sucks when you're good at something you can't get paid for unless you want to assume a new identity, such as Buck Naked or Rod Von Massivedong.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Men withhold sex when they are angry. The rest of his behavior that you describe sort of show this as well. 

What why is he angry? What happened around the time the sex slowed way down? Or is there a slow burn that just reached a threshold a few months ago?

Is there any chance at all that he is having an affair? For most men, if they are not getting it with their wife, they are getting it somewhere else.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

helpwanted said:


> I agree. talking to him is like talking to a brick wall. It goes in and nothing comes out. I have talked to him a few times about my feeling of loneliness and lack of intimacy but all he says is what about him? I just never understand him. I am always there to listen, wait on him hand and foot, Make sure every need of his is met.


A letter won't work either.

I can suggest that you stop listening, waiting on him and meeting his needs. I did this too when I was where you are. 

He's not meeting yours so why should you meet his?


----------



## helpwanted (Sep 16, 2012)

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You for all of your responses. I am so glad I found this forum. Maybe i can stay sane now.

I HAD the talk again last night. I made a comment about something I can't even remember exactly and he says to me "Yea I have noticed you have been trying lately!" :scratchhead: I was like "Yes, Why are you punishing me?"

He said he wasn't trying to punish me at all. He has been super stressed with work and tons of things going on with it. His mom was coming into town and was nervous about making everything ok for her. Also he said that he gets frustrated with me when I argue with him. Ect. 

I have to admit to the above post. I also was starting fights with my mate about random stupid stuff that wasn't important at all and it really boils down to me being sexually frustrated and disliking myself due to him not fulfilling my sexual wants.

He would get angry at me plus the stress would make it impossible to do it. He says that my attitude just isn't the same as it use to be. I am not positive about stuff anymore and he said he felt like I gave up on us and was unwilling to realize it is me that's causing it.

Now after he said that I felt like my back was going up and it was just another cope out excuse to get the blame off of him.
Then i sat down after and thought hard about what he said. 
I guess he is right. I have given up on this relationship and honestly my self a little.

So at least I know. I also told him to be honest with me next time. Tell me what's going on and how he feels because I can't read his mind. I think he realizes that shutting down and ignoring things is NOT ok.

Even though we still haven't made love I have hope now that if I am more positive about things and try and get back to the happy, positive person I once was Maybe just maybe I can get him to give in and give it up!! I will keep you all posted and Thank you soo much for listening to me and giving me awesome advice. 

Also thank you to the new friends i have made through this site. If you ever need an ear to listen please feel free to message me.

:smthumbup:


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Best wishes to you, and I hope things get back just like how it used to be.

Maybe a little marriage counselling might help .


----------



## helpwanted (Sep 16, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> Best wishes to you, and I hope things get back just like how it used to be.
> 
> Maybe a little marriage counselling might help .


You're so right. I am looking into good ones around our area. I hope when i drop that bomb the husband understand and is willing to go with me. Thank you for the best wishes!
Have a great day


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Glad to hear you had the talk.

A couple of things from your post I'd like to comment on:

First, it still sounds like he is blame-shifting. He might be honest about you checking out and arguing, but he still needs to take on some blame. It takes two to argue, you can't argue with yourself. Also, if this is the reason, why did it take several other talks and eight months (or more) for it to come out? This should have been mentioned a long time ago.

Secondly, looking forward, you need to keep him in check on this. He gave you a reason, so you've already made the choice to try to improve what he says he wants you to improve on. That's great, but make sure you verbally tell him you are changing and make sure to check in with him from time to time to make sure your change is being noticed. Once it is being noticed, then the sex needs to start increasing shortly after. If it doesn't, then it's likely he was just feeding you some BS and blaming you for something that wasn't even the actual reason behind the decline in sex.

I also support what Caribbean Man said, try some marriage counselling. Talk is good. I'd tell him now though that you want to do marriage counselling and invite him to help you select a counsellor. Don't spring it on him as he could just view it as a trap sort of, whereby YOU picked out the counsellor and YOU set everything up leaving him to enter thinking he's just going to get bashed in a 2-on-1 scenario.

All the best to you and be sure to keep us posted. I'm happy to hear that there is some positive news in your marriage.


----------



## helpwanted (Sep 16, 2012)

I agree, I would have thought eight months ago he would have told me these reasons and I could have BEEN working on them. He was shifting the blame to me for sure. I guess that's what he does best.

I am for sure going to be looking for someone for us to talk to. I think it would be great for both of us.

I am also going to be keeping him in check for sure. I am ready to be making some passionate loving. Lol Hopefully I do my part and things change. If not, Things are going to be changing drastically. No more missing nice girl!

Thank you all for you awesome advice and i will for sure keep you updated.


----------

