# Wife has low sex dirve.



## jmcdaniel05 (Mar 3, 2013)

My wife and I have been married for going on three years. She is 25 and I am 26. We have three kids who are 3, 5, and 7. I recently tried to talk to my wife about having more sex. She said that it's just not important to her. She also revealed to me that when she was younger she had three seperate sexual traumas. I knew about one but not the others and she said she didn't want to think or talk about them and I did not push her. She said though that is the reason she has never been too into sex. She said she does enjoy it when we have it but if we never had sex it would not bother her at all. Since we started living together, sex has slowed down and seems to be slowing down even more to me although she says it hasn't changed. She has been having cramps for a week before her period, so that's already two weeks each month we can't do anything. The other two weeks she said she would be willing if she is in the mood. I try to get her in the mood by giving her backrubs or neckrubs but this just seems to make her ready for sleep instead. I think she would have more sex if I could put her in the mood at the right times but right now I am lost. Nothing seems to work. We have sex if she is already in the mood but right now we're having sex one to two times a month, which is just not enough for me. Does anybody have any ideas?


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## jmcdaniel05 (Mar 3, 2013)

Also, I do help around the house and with the kids. I could do a little more, but as far as I can tell, it doesn't do anything for making her want more sex.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

She's already told you the truth about her. It's not important to her.

Your best bet is first stop meeting her needs. Tell her they aren't important to you. 

Do LESS not more. 

Lots of books on this subject and I'm sure other men will chime in.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

She didn't have issues when you guys made those three kids. Where were her traumas then?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

jmcdaniel05 said:


> My wife and I have been married for going on three years. She is 25 and I am 26. We have three kids who are 3, 5, and 7. I recently tried to talk to my wife about having more sex. She said that it's just not important to her. She also revealed to me that when she was younger she had three seperate sexual traumas. I knew about one but not the others and she said she didn't want to think or talk about them and I did not push her. She said though that is the reason she has never been too into sex. She said she does enjoy it when we have it but if we never had sex it would not bother her at all. Since we started living together, sex has slowed down and seems to be slowing down even more to me although she says it hasn't changed. She has been having cramps for a week before her period, so that's already two weeks each month we can't do anything. The other two weeks she said she would be willing if she is in the mood. I try to get her in the mood by giving her backrubs or neckrubs but this just seems to make her ready for sleep instead. I think she would have more sex if I could put her in the mood at the right times but right now I am lost. Nothing seems to work. We have sex if she is already in the mood but right now we're having sex one to two times a month, which is just not enough for me. Does anybody have any ideas?


Probably the quickest way to get her interested in sex with you is build up your attractiveness with OTHER women.


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## Jessica373 (Mar 15, 2013)

Maybe she needs to talk to a professional about her past traumas? It might help if she works through them. Expecting you to just deal with it forever is not fair.


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## jmcdaniel05 (Mar 3, 2013)

It seems she's in a place where she doesn'tthink she has to do anything but be here to keep me. I've tried talking to her and that doesn't work. I need a radical change in strategy here. We went through a rough patch at the the end of last year and almost got a divorce over it. We workeid things out, I thought. She says she's still getting over it. Though sometimes it seems like she may be staying just for the kids. She says she's willing to work on it, but when I ask her for ideas how to turn her on she just says she doesn't know. Basically saying I need to figure it out. She told me before she would like romance because she never had that. I have never been and don't really know how to be romantic. Maybe a candlelight dinner is the key?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

jmcdaniel05 said:


> It seems she's in a place where she doesn'tthink she has to do anything but be here to keep me.


Try this 

Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.


This will only get worse.

Read the book at the link, run a MAP, give yourself a time limit.

If you see no improvement in her file for divorce.
You're 3 years into this, in another ten it'll be far far far worse and much too late.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

jmcdaniel05 said:


> It seems she's in a place where she doesn'tthink she has to do anything but be here to keep me. I've tried talking to her and that doesn't work. I need a radical change in strategy here. We went through a rough patch at the the end of last year and almost got a divorce over it. We workeid things out, I thought. She says she's still getting over it. Though sometimes it seems like she may be staying just for the kids. She says she's willing to work on it, but when I ask her for ideas how to turn her on she just says she doesn't know. Basically saying I need to figure it out. She told me before she would like romance because she never had that. I have never been and don't really know how to be romantic. Maybe a candlelight dinner is the key?


my wife and I have been married 47 years...Our marriage was in a bad place, to the point of discussing divorce...After a big blowout, she said someone told her about a book that might help....I was so desperate I ordered it that day....Ten bucks on ebay...

The book was "The 5 Love Languages"...I had NO hope the book would help...When we got it, she started reading it, but after a couple of chapters had to do chores, so I picked it up and started reading...The premise is simple, The wording isn't psycological crap, and it made sense....I don't think I put the book down till I finished it......Then the wife picked it up, and finished reading it....

A person feels good about the person who fulfills them emotionally...It makes that person EASY TO LOVE...

The whole point of the book is that different people need different things to feel emotionally fulfilled...You speak the language you understand to your mate, and they reply in the language they understand.....If both don't speak the same languages they do not give their mate the emotional support they they crave...They become emotionally bankrupt....

There are 5 languages:
1 Acts of service
2 physical touch
3 Words of affirmation
4 Quality time
5 gifts


If you need "Physical touch" And your mate speaks gifts...
You are craving a hug, and sex, and she buys you a ROLEX......
You become emotionally bankrupt.....

Your wife craves "words of affirmation", and you tile the bathroom....She is going to be pissed....

You are both saying I love and support you, and both of you hear 
nothing but gibberish....

If two people decide they want to love one another, and want their partner to be emotionally fulfilled, The book will show both of them how...

People who learn how to communicate have less conflict...It's as simple as that...

Saturday my wife was in a bad mood...We are doing some work on the kitchen, and she felt she had wasted the morning because she couldn't find a light fixture....She came home and began acting out in a negative manner.....In the past I would have picked up on it, fed off of it, and a blowout would have ensued...DEAD CERTAIN.....

Instead I tried to tease and reason her out of her mood...Everything stayed light, and no fighting...

Sunday I lay down after breakfast to watch TV. The wife joind me and said she had been silly for being in such a bad mood the day before, and was very affectionate....

We had HONEYMOON SEX for 3 hours.....It was absolutely one of those lovemaking sessions that you always remember.....

It was not the first time we have done that since reading the book........

How much would a day like that mean to you.....

If you look up my threads last Oct.-Dec. You will se the absolute hell my life was then....If someone had told me they could make this big a change in my marriage, for $5,000 cash....I would have paid GLADLY.....Not bad for $10 on ebay....

Good luck
the woodchuck


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

jmcdaniel05 said:


> She also revealed to me that when she was younger she had three seperate sexual traumas. I knew about one but not the others and she said she didn't want to think or talk about them and I did not push her. She said though that is the reason she has never been too into sex.


This is probably not true. If you had a satisfying sex life in the past, then her sexual traumas are probably not hindering your current sex life. They're just an excuse she's giving you.

However, I wouldn't dismiss them out of hand. Make it her job. Marriage is a sexual relationship. Sex is one of your primary needs. If she has a problem that prevents her form meeting one of your primary needs, then she has the duty to address it. Tell her that you will be patient with her and help her as best you can. But insist that she deal with the trauma. You should not allow her to just insist that she is broken and you must live with it.



> She has been having cramps for a week before her period, so that's already two weeks each month we can't do anything.


This is likely another excuse. It is rare for women to be completely sexually unavailable half of the time.



> Does anybody have any ideas?


Tacoma had the best proposal. Read Married Man Sex Life.

Good luck.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

After having three beautiful children, that will change her hormones and may kill her sex drive. Then there's the weight gain and not feeling as sexy like before. She may be scared of getting pregnant again, 4th kid?

She was abused a few times in her youth.

Sex wasn't really important to her anymore and I can see why.

It's good of you to help with more chores, kids and around the house, back rubs, and massages, etc. She has it good.

She needs to go see a therapist about her past. She needs the healing and closure.

She needs to get her hormones checked and maybe meds will be required.

She can't kill the sex just because she isn't into it and never really was. She should of told you all that before you got married and had kids.

I wouldn't make her feel even worse by letting her know other women find you attractive and want to hook up. She might turn to food for comfort.

It is perfectly fine for women to turn down their men when sex is involved for a plethera of reasons. But if a man did that to his woman, big trouble.


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

Welcome to the club, there is nothing you can do to “earn”, “buy” or “work for” your wife’s physical affection. It is nice that you are helpful with the kids and the house and I don’t want to discourage you from being a good guy but don’t do it to get sex, it does not nor will it ever work. In my marriage there have been different things that have helped for a short time but in the scope of the whole 20 years it has been a losing and very lonely battle. What my wife does not understand is that sex is more than just an act or a release but it is a way for me to feel connected to her, feel accepted by her and feel needed by her. Like I said welcome to Club Lonely.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Skate Daddy 9 said:


> Welcome to the club, there is nothing you can do to “earn”, “buy” or “work for” your wife’s physical affection. It is nice that you are helpful with the kids and the house and I don’t want to discourage you from being a good guy but don’t do it to get sex, it does not nor will it ever work. In my marriage there have been different things that have helped for a short time but in the scope of the whole 20 years it has been a losing and very lonely battle. What my wife does not understand is that sex is more than just an act or a release but it is a way for me to feel connected to her, feel accepted by her and feel needed by her. Like I said welcome to Club Lonely.


As soon as wives make a deal for more house work, as some have, ( this is the " I feel overwhelmed and to tired with all the things I do around here" reason or "you're just one more thing I have to "do" line of thinking ) to feel more sexual I recommend spelling out exactly what that contract means. 

First ask exactly in specific terms what she needs doing. "More housework" is not specific enough. Ask her to tell you what she needs help with. Then write down those tasks. It is best if you determine by inquiry the highest value. In other words ask her what tasks that you do will make her feel the most sexual toward you and what tasks you do will make her feel the least. 

This may start an argument as she begins to realize that you are serious and if she makes a comment in the future about a bargain such as housework you will be specific. After all was she not the one who suggested the contract in the first place? 

Eg: two loads of laundry and vacuuming the living room means that you get.__________ .

Beware the sh*t is going to hit the fan. 

But as men we all like to help around the house do we not? It's called a contribution to the marriage and well being of the household.


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## purple_daisy (Mar 25, 2013)

> Probably the quickest way to get her interested in sex with you is build up your attractiveness with OTHER women.


That is a slippery slope to go on. I cannot tell you how many times I've experienced this leading to a spouse cheating. No matter how bad the marriage is, no one has the right to seek people outside the marriage. 

Do you help around the house with the expectations of getting sex in return? If so, buddy, that's the best way to build a wall between you two. Yes, sex is important, and it obviously is a need for you. However, helping "only" with the expectation of something in return will shut her down. Do you know what "needs" are important to her, to make her fee loved and appreciated by you? 

Your wife may be beating herself up inside over her low sex drive, making it even more difficult for her to want to have sex because of the stress of it all. Has she considered counseling?

Has she been to a doctor to discuss this? Has she had her hormone levels checked?

I'm not defending your wife-I totally understand the need for sexual intimacy. But you may not realize what your wife is thinking that she isn't telling you. 

Try reading "For Men Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn. For Men Only, Revised and Updated Edition: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women: Shaunti Feldhahn, Jeff Feldhahn: 9781601424457: Amazon.com: Books


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Proverbial rock and hard place


She has trauma/no need for sex so anything you do is trying to "trick" her into liking sex with you... that will not work.

Only ally you have is time.

Eventually she may work out in her head that sex is good with you or she may never.

Best thing you can do is be yourself, the one she fell in love with and the one she used to gladly have sex with. Try to have sex with her as she is your wife and let her deny you.

Stop talking...just do..your wife is not deaf she heard you!

One day a light-bulb might switch on again. When it does it will be her doing it on her own and it could be any trigger or a series of events. You literally have no control.

You control you... its acceptable to act one way when you are sexually satisfied and another when sexually dis-satisfied. Your wife needs to understand that lack of sex causes an effect. She doesn't get a free pass.

You will find you are more sane if you take it all in a the big picture of life. Life goes in ebbs and flows.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

purple_daisy said:


> That is a slippery slope to go on. I cannot tell you how many times I've experienced this leading to a spouse cheating. No matter how bad the marriage is, no one has the right to seek people outside the marriage.


This is a frequently misunderstood bit of advice. Recommending that your wife learn that other women find you attractive is not the same as recommending that you try to have an affair.

Most women would love to see their husband telling a story to a group of people at a party, with a few of the women giving obvious indicators of interest. If those women then sought out the wife to tell her how lucky she was to have Mr. Wonderful for a husband, the tingles would fire right up. That's the kind of attention we recommend. Not going into a party and leering at women, or fondling butts and openly trolling for sex. Women don't like that.

I do agree that, for a man in a sexless marriage, the attention of other women may be a great temptation to do evil. But, that doesn't alter the positive effect it has on his wife.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Skate Daddy 9 said:


> What my wife does not understand is that sex is more than just an act or a release but it is a way for me to feel connected to her, feel accepted by her and feel needed by her.


You will be surprised how many women, especially in their 20's do not know or have this in their conscious. I know for SURE I didn't. If my old fashioned Mamma hadn't drilled in my head "don't turn down sex, don't nag, and keep the house clean" for a whole year before I got married it wouldn't be in my consciousness either. 

When did I learn the "why" of her advice #1? WHEN I CAME TO TAM. Idid discover that I didn't even want to but I still didn't have a clue of what sex meant to marriage. 

Its no wonder so many marriages go through sex problems. So many men and women do not even realize the devastation they are putting on their marriage until too late. And I mean the spuses that allow it to happen too. Sooner or later your supposedly low drive spouse is going to have somebody tweak that drive and wake it up or sooner or later that deprived spouse is going to find another way to get their needs met.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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