# What would you do



## travelking (Jun 4, 2014)

Ive told my story here about how bad my marriage is currently- in short I want to be married and have a great life- my wife would rather just work and not deal with marriage/ family- so Im basically ready to walk- its not something I want to do but I cant live like this- no respect in my household towards me, constant nagging, and no sex/ affection at all (going on 2 months as I write this). With that said- I love my daughter very much and cant bare not being able to see her everyday. I also cant get used to another man being in her life as father figure nor do I want to really deal with a divorce, alimony, but most importantly my daughter potentially having another man be a part of raising her. I could cheat which would make me wrong but at this point I dont know what to do


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

First of all don't cheat! Always be honorable and maintain your self respect. I used to put up with a lot of nagging and other non-sense in the name of keeping peace. I always viewed the fights over petty stuff as such a waste of life and time that i put up with it. Guess what it only encourages it. I have shut that all down now I don't take it anymore. When it starts I just tell her how I feel and she can take it or leave it, but I end the discussion when it comes to nagging and pointless debates.

I haven't fixed the sexless part yet but I wanted to stop the other disrespect first. I stopped trying to keep her happy, I always treat her with love respect and kindness, if she can't be happy with that, then she has a problem. 

The sexless part is wearing down our marriage, I can't maintain an emotional connection to a wife that does not care about my needs. Like a lot of people, I see sex as the glue that bonds the marriage together. My emotional disconnect is having an effect on the marriage these days and I know she is starting to feel it.

The next step is going to happen shortly which will be some advice I read here from Anon Pink. I will flatly explain the toll it has taken on me and our marriage and that I cannot continue in a relationship with someone that puts me and our marriage at the bottom of the priority list, explain what will happen if this continues and then ask if she is willing to fix it or not. If she feels I am at fault I want to hear it, I will not let it turn into and endless list of what I am doing wrong. She will have to own up to her side of the problem.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

You'll know when it's time to leave. I had the very same concerns about my daughter and finally left after she was grown up more.


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## LolaLynn (Jun 10, 2014)

I feel the same agony! I'm tired of begging for sex/intimacy for. My husband. I work, take care of our daughter, clean the house, cook his dinner every night only to be rejected by him every time I make a sexual advance towards him. I would have left a long time ago if it weren't for our young daughter. Her happiness and well being mean more to me than my own. I just don't want to ruin her childhood by breaking up her parents. It's a really tough spot to be in. I've thought about cheating just so I can get my needs met but have always felt too guilty to actually act on it. When you figure out what to do let me know, because I'm so conflicted on this!!!!!


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## Sporto (Jun 18, 2012)

I can certainly understand you situation. I am in a sexless marriage but the only thing that stops me from leaving is the kids. I do know you are in a tought situation. You need to make some had decisions. Good luck.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

my best wishes go out to all those in loveless and /or sexless marriage that stay for the kids. I think i understand to the degree i can how hard this must be. we married with great expectations only to see it descend into lovelessness even when we try so hard.

I was in a sexless marriage for 3 years, although thank goodness we had no kids and now i am out of it and married again.

good luck to you all and may you make the right decisions.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

For those of you in low-sex marriages who "stay for the kids"... DON'T!!!

Read my thread here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/156297-those-low-sex-marriage-considering-leaving.html

I feel your pain. I stayed 20 years in a loveless, sexless marriage. Worst mistake of my life. *BOTH my kids tell me they would have been better off if we had divorced earlier,* instead of putting them through their entire childhoods listening to the fighting, observing the chilliness, watching their parents live as "roommates" instead of lovers, knowing that something wasn't "right."


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

It's possible you're doing your kids more harm then good by staying. They're failing to learn by example what it means to be a truly loving married couple. 

I think many of us grew up in a similar situation hence our inclination to accept less than fulfilling marriages.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Always Learning said:


> The next step is going to happen shortly which will be some advice I read here from Anon Pink. I will flatly explain the toll it has taken on me and our marriage and that I cannot continue in a relationship with someone that puts me and our marriage at the bottom of the priority list, explain what will happen if this continues and then ask if she is willing to fix it or not. If she feels I am at fault I want to hear it, I will not let it turn into and endless list of what I am doing wrong. She will have to own up to her side of the problem.


I have tried to have this discussion with my wife. She just turns the blame on me. I don't eat healthy enough, I don't exercise enough, I don't help around the house enough, I don't talk to her enough.

If I do those things, she thinks I am only doing it to have sex.

Why do we have to earn intimacy from our spouse that is supposed to love and care for us?

I go to work each day to provide for my family. She exercises each morning, then coffee with friends, then shopping, etc. Yes, the house is always clean and meals are always prepared, but she has it pretty easy since our youngest is now 17.

Would it be OK for me to stop providing for her until she puts effort into the parts of the marriage that are important to me?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I think you should stay together for the sake of the kids assuming there is no abuse or fighting, that's what affects the kids the most. I grew up with parents that weren't affectionate but what bothered me the most was the fighting not that they weren't affectionate. I'm an affectionate person and so is my husband. I'm not happy about our sex life but that doesn't affect how I treat my husband out of the bedroom. Our children see how affectionate and kind we are to each other. They don't know or care what goes on in our bedroom. I think you can be nice to each other and continue to stay together as a family and then once the children are out of the house you can choose to move on if things haven't changed in the marriage. I just see too children and fathers who have damaged their relationships when the Dad leaves the house.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> For those of you in low-sex marriages who "stay for the kids"... DON'T!!!
> 
> Read my thread here:
> 
> ...


:iagree:

My kids and I have a much better relationship since my divorce. My ex and the kids? Not so much.

One thing I'll point out is this:

Some people see their kids everyday, yet spend little "quality" time with them. I was that guy. People are tired after a long day at work, driving in traffic, then have to cook and clean, and the kids are doing homework or in sports, or people sit in front of the TV and veg-out, etc. 

When I see my kids now, it's always quality time. We hang out and have fun, go new places together, talk a lot, joke around, etc. It's time that you don't take for granted...you dedicate that time to having fun with the kids.

Also, staying when you should really leave is sending the wrong message to your kids. Is happiness overrated or something? I don't think it is.

Saying that,
I would give it another shot...heart to heart with the wife, opt for MC, but if she's not on board, 180 to prepare yourself for life without her. I don't know all the details, but you should be willing to make a solid attempt to save what you have before you prepare to split.

I hope you guys can work it out. If it's not gonna work, you can still be a wonderful father and share custody.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

SadSamIAm said:


> I have tried to have this discussion with my wife. She just turns the blame on me. I don't eat healthy enough, I don't exercise enough, I don't help around the house enough, I don't talk to her enough.
> 
> If I do those things, she thinks I am only doing it to have sex.
> 
> ...


You should not have to earn sex from your wife, at best this attitude will get you duty sex.

This is the point I will make to her. If she can't loving be involved in a passionate physical relationship then we don't have a Marriage we have a living arrangement, and that's exactly what she will be getting from me.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Always Learning said:


> You should not have to earn sex from your wife, at best this attitude will get you duty sex.
> 
> 
> 
> This is the point I will make to her. If she can't loving be involved in a passionate physical relationship then we don't have a Marriage we have a living arrangement, and that's exactly what she will be getting from me.



You don't know how much I appreciate this. I've been going through this for years. Tonight she gets what's she what's.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

travelking said:


> Ive told my story here about how bad my marriage is currently- in short I want to be married and have a great life- my wife would rather just work and not deal with marriage/ family- so Im basically ready to walk- its not something I want to do but I cant live like this- no respect in my household towards me, constant nagging, and no sex/ affection at all (going on 2 months as I write this). With that said- I love my daughter very much and cant bare not being able to see her everyday. I also cant get used to another man being in her life as father figure nor do I want to really deal with a divorce, alimony, but most importantly my daughter potentially having another man be a part of raising her. I could cheat which would make me wrong but at this point I dont know what to do


travelking, we're going to have to work on your character a little bit.
- she treats you bad because you allow it. And you allow it because you're afraid of losing her. Letting her treat you bad mean you will lose her and you'll feel pathetic looking back on how you let her beat you down. It just confirms to her that you don't deserve her respect when you take it.

- Dude cheating is wrong. You can't justify it or candy coat it. People with high character either don't cheat or they carry regret for cheating. There's just no scenario where high character and cheating doesn't cause problems.

- You have to realize that trying to make your wife be what you want is going to backfire. You can make yourself someone that she's lucky to be with if she chooses but that's it.

- And remember, you are your daughter's father. No one is taking your place just because they're part of the equation. One thing that your daughter does not need to see if you allowing yourself to be treated bad. She'll learn bad things from that example.


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