# Concerned about dating and STDs



## Almost-Done

One big hang up I have with reentering the dating sespool is STDs. I was hesitant in dating before meeting my STBXW, but since I was looking for a relationship and eventually marriage, I took the plunge. After we had sex the first time, she then told me she may had an STD, but not certain as the test results were mixed. I then took a test and eventually it was determined to be a false positive (tested each year and had ben negative each time aside from th first BS one). Yes, I blamed her for not disclosing this before intamacy. She did not think it was a big deal. Yes, I blamed her until the doctors cleared me of that false positive. She was mad at me for blaming me for this of course. Yet, I am sure if the tables were turned, it would be the same. Not disclosing something you may or may not have is not a good way to start a relationship. 

Nonetheless, I am having a hard time in my mind going down this road again. How do I trust another woman not to withhold STD results from me. Regardless if they are positive or inconclusive? STBXW claimed her doctor told her since they were inconclusive, it was not necessary to inform any partners. I find it hard for a doctor to say this.

How do I go about this?


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## 225985

Almost-Done said:


> One big hang up I have with reentering the dating sespool is STDs. I was hesitant in dating before meeting my STBXW, but since I was looking for a relationship and eventually marriage, I took the plunge. After we had sex the first time, she then told me she may had an STD, but not certain as the test results were mixed. I then took a test and eventually it was determined to be a false positive (tested each year and had ben negative each time aside from th first BS one). Yes, I blamed her for not disclosing this before intamacy. She did not think it was a big deal. Yes, I blamed her until the doctors cleared me of that false positive. She was mad at me for blaming me for this of course. Yet, I am sure if the tables were turned, it would be the same. Not disclosing something you may or may not have is not a good way to start a relationship.
> 
> Nonetheless, I am having a hard time in my mind going down this road again. How do I trust another woman not to withhold STD results from me. Regardless if they are positive or inconclusive? STBXW claimed her doctor told her since they were inconclusive, it was not necessary to inform any partners. I find it hard for a doctor to say this.
> 
> How do I go about this?


Wear a condom until you agree on exclusivity. Then both of you get fully tested and cleared. End of story.


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## EllisRedding

blueinbr said:


> Wear a condom until you agree on exclusivity. Then both of you get fully tested and cleared. End of story.


That doesn't completely cover for things such as genital herpes, correct?


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## Hope1964

If it were me, I would be having this conversation with anyone I was wanting to sleep with and explaining my experience, and why I didn't want to have sex until I was sure of not getting something.


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## 225985

EllisRedding said:


> That doesn't completely cover for things such as genital herpes, correct?


Dental dam


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## WhyMe66

Almost-Done said:


> One big hang up I have with reentering the dating sespool is STDs. I was hesitant in dating before meeting my STBXW, but since I was looking for a relationship and eventually marriage, I took the plunge. After we had sex the first time, she then told me she may had an STD, but not certain as the test results were mixed. I then took a test and eventually it was determined to be a false positive (tested each year and had ben negative each time aside from th first BS one). Yes, I blamed her for not disclosing this before intamacy. She did not think it was a big deal. Yes, I blamed her until the doctors cleared me of that false positive. She was mad at me for blaming me for this of course. Yet, I am sure if the tables were turned, it would be the same. Not disclosing something you may or may not have is not a good way to start a relationship.
> 
> Nonetheless, I am having a hard time in my mind going down this road again. How do I trust another woman not to withhold STD results from me. Regardless if they are positive or inconclusive? STBXW claimed her doctor told her since they were inconclusive, it was not necessary to inform any partners. I find it hard for a doctor to say this.
> 
> How do I go about this?


I really think you should just take it easy. You don't have to jump right back into the game right away. Honestly there is no one saying that you MUST date. Take some time for you. You will get back in there when you are ready. You will meet someone worthy of you. Me, I do not plan to go back to the dating pool ever. I am so done with all of this nonsense.

People suck, dogs rule-bring on the revolution!


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## Wolf1974

blueinbr said:


> Wear a condom until you agree on exclusivity. Then both of you get fully tested and cleared. End of story.


Yep this is what I do


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## 225985

Wolf1974 said:


> Yep this is what I do


I know this post will get some negative feedback, but I feel like I am missing out on the fun of on line dating. Of course, I am already married and like the comfort of going home each night to my spouse.


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## Wolf1974

blueinbr said:


> I know this post will get some negative feedback, but I feel like I am missing out on the fun of on line dating. Of course, I am already married and like the comfort of going home each night to my spouse.


I think it's perfectly natural to wonder or even think about the grass is always greener on the other side. I loved being married but ultimately married the wrong woman, never wanted to be single but yes with online dating meeting women and having flings, if that's what you want, is easy and I am enjoying every minute of it. 

But you don't get the trade off of sharing life with someone or building a future with someone. You ultimately are on your own.

Good and bad points to both in my opinion.


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## Corpuswife

Everyone dating should be scared of STDS. Really. Always protect yourself no matter what they look like and even if they've come out of a long term relationship. Wear a condom or insist on one. Then, when monogamous get tested and retested.

My then-husband, during a vacation paid for escorts and hooked up with a a lady to take around. We separated on that trip, hence his acting out (including drug use). We are divorced now.

Do you know what he did...mere weeks of returning home? He put himself on match.com and ourtime.com and advertised himself as "divorced."

I was sick at the thought. Mere hours of breakup he "acted out" and then mere weeks of a breakup he was online. I felt horrible for the women he'd meet and hoped that they wouldn't be caught in his web. Still do. However, he's over his angry stage and just now sad and "sorry."


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## Ynot

So much chicken little stuff attached to STDs. I am not saying it won't or can't happen, but really if you are dating other people who are successfully engaged in life, it shouldn't be an issue. You all should take some time and read the much vaunted CDC study that was widely quoted and is the source of so much fear. The rate for Gonorrhea increased to 0.00006%. In other words 6 out of 100,000 people got gonorrhea in 2014. You have a greater chance of being killed in an automobile accident which killed 10.4 people per 100,000. Or maybe you are afraid of getting syphillis. The rate for that SKYROCKETED by 15.1% that year from 5.5 per 100,000 to 6.1! Yes we should all wear body condoms and never leave the house - we are all going to die!

Bottom line is know who you are dating and quit being so damned scared of life


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## larry.gray

blueinbr said:


> Wear a condom until you agree on exclusivity. Then both of you get fully tested and cleared. End of story.


QFT
Ask to have each other sent the results. Don't take anyone's word on this. 

Anyone who would balk isn't someone you want to be intimate with. You're offering up your test results, allaying any fears that you're not being 100% forthright. She should do the same.

Oh, and insist on getting Gaurdisil. Allegedly anyone over 26 isn't helped because they've already been exposed. Many doctors will balk, but some we let you if you push it. It will cost you over $300. If you and your exW weren't particularly active as teenagers, you are likely to be unexposed to one or more strains of HPV.

This pretty much should be standard advice for anyone divorcing.


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## Almost-Done

More concerned about HPV, HSV, and HIV than the curable ones. Sometimes I wonder if it's the risks are worth thepossinle rewards. Who would had thought dating would be so dangerous. As for as the CDC, just remember, that's just what is reported. There are thousands or tens of thousands of cases unreported becuse of no health insurance, denial or unaware of the infection.


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## Ynot

Yes, yes! We should all live our lives cowering in fear. Wear full body condoms, never leave the house because there are threats everywhere. Sugar will kill us. Fat will kill us. Car wrecks happen. You could trip and fall. You might even get hit by lightening. Or a piano may fall out of a window! You guys can sit around, hiding in the corner, afraid to take chances and live. As for me, I will use common sense and react according to the actual risk rather than the sensationalized head lines.


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## joannacroc

blueinbr said:


> I know this post will get some negative feedback, but I feel like I am missing out on the fun of on line dating. Of course, I am already married and like the comfort of going home each night to my spouse.


Dude, NO. You're missing out on nothing.:|


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## joannacroc

Ynot said:


> Yes, yes! We should all live our lives cowering in fear. Wear full body condoms, never leave the house because there are threats everywhere. Sugar will kill us. Fat will kill us. Car wrecks happen. You could trip and fall. You might even get hit by lightening. Or a piano may fall out of a window! You guys can sit around, hiding in the corner, afraid to take chances and live. As for me, I will use common sense and react according to the actual risk rather than the sensationalized head lines.


Made me think of the movie Naked Gun and the full body condoms. Ha :grin2:


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## BetrayedDad

Almost-Done said:


> More concerned about HPV, HSV, and HIV than the curable ones. Sometimes I wonder if it's the risks are worth thepossinle rewards. Who would had thought dating would be so dangerous. As for as the CDC, just remember, that's just what is reported. There are thousands or tens of thousands of cases unreported becuse of no health insurance, denial or unaware of the infection.


As you should be. A lot of Herpes and HPV running around. 

Vet your partners carefully.


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## Ynot

Be afraid! Be VERY afraid! Danger lurks all around!


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## BetrayedDad

Another heads up OP. 

I asked a buddy of mine who was single, when I was jumping back into the dating game, the same question.

"How do you address the STD topic?" I said. Know what he told me? "Comes with the territory. Won't kill you." 

Come to find out this guy regularly has to get his genital warts lasered off and is usually rocking a cold sore(s) year round.

The ones who shrug it off probably already have it. If they seem blaze about the topic and don't get checkups, RUN.


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## EnjoliWoman

Heck, at my age I want to see their credit report, mental health evaluation, EKG and STD reports.

OK so credit report can wait a few months.

Seriously, condoms. No oral. Ask about STDs once you feel this could be an ongoing relationship. Once you decide this is going to be a committed relationship (which I tend to prefer finding out quite soon after the first time) then ask her to get tested and you do the same and exchange results. Don't just accept "yeah I'm clear" - ask for the results and check the date.

I've made it to 48 without so much as a cold sore and I'm not risking an STD and I'm perfectly happy being tested and getting the results. And while some take a while to show up, I'm HIV tested every few months because I donate blood.  It's a great perk!


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## Diana7

My advise is not to have sex with someone until you know them REALLY well. My husband is a doctor and says that STds are rampant but no one really tells the truth about it. I would never have sex with a man I didnt know really well and who I know didnt sleep around. Its not worth the risk apart from anything else. Some can make you infertile and some you will have all your life.


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## jorgegene

According to u.s. news report (2014) 110 million people in us have std.

that seems like a lot.

it says more than half of new cases are younger people.


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## Mr The Other

Dating is tedious until you start to meet fun people. Then it gets good.

Generally, women around 20 are very good at understanding the importance of condoms. Once they get into their 30's they get a little more reckless and you might have to insist.


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## Ynot

Keep adding to the definition of an STD, then sponsor a few studies and you can achieve the sensational results you need to get more funding from the government. 110 million? Really? Out of a population of 350 million? Roughly 1 out of three! Holy Clap Batman!
Even using the sensationalized numbers, how many of you seriously believe 1 out of 3 people you know has an STD? All I can say is use the same common sense you do when you drive (which you actually have a greater chance of dying from than you do of catching an STD)


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## BetrayedDad

I think 1 in 3 is the extreme high end too. Even at 1 in 10 which is far more plausible but conservative, why risk it?

Other then HIV and a few others, yeah it probably won't kill you. But who wants to have warts lasered off their junk?

Not me, not worth it. Don't have random casual sex. Get to know your partner first. A little due diligence goes a long way.


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## larry.gray

One in three have HSV2.

80%+ have HSV1.

80%+ of women have or have had HPV. Presently there is no male HPV test so the male rate is unknown.


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## foolscotton3

larry.gray said:


> One in three have HSV2.
> 
> 80%+ have HSV1.
> 
> 80%+ of women have or have had HPV. Presently there is no male HPV test so the male rate is unknown.


I think it is lower than 1:3 for HSV2, last I checked at the beginning of the year it was between 1:5-1:7 depending on the study.

Most strains of HPV infections can be cleared with in months if people quit re infecting themselves.

Sent from my Z936L using Tapatalk


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## EllisRedding




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## Runs like Dog

Alberta, Canada reports an 80% spike in STD's but the nanny staters who run the province are of course blaming social media and not the complete lack of any moral agency or commonsense among the people afflicted.


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## Diana7

Runs like Dog said:


> Alberta, Canada reports an 80% spike in STD's but the nanny staters who run the province are of course blaming social media and not the complete lack of any moral agency or commonsense among the people afflicted.


 yes, they cant possible suggest that maybe people shouldnt sleep around and actually have some good moral values. :surprise:


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## Hope1964

Here's the Alberta Health news release

Sexually transmitted infections have reached outbreak levels in Alberta | Alberta.ca

They are only talking about syphilis and gonorrhea apparently. Note that the population of Alberta is about 4.2 million so the incidence of syphilis is 0.00833333333% of the population AFTER it doubled.

The point about social media is relevant, I suppose, but it can't be the ONLY cause. No matter what the cause is, it's startling and people would do well to smarten the hell up when it comes to using condoms or just not sleeping around.


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## Ynot

Hope1964 said:


> Here's the Alberta Health news release
> 
> Sexually transmitted infections have reached outbreak levels in Alberta | Alberta.ca
> 
> They are only talking about syphilis and gonorrhea apparently. Note that the population of Alberta is about 4.2 million so the incidence of syphilis is 0.00833333333% of the population AFTER it doubled.
> 
> The point about social media is relevant, I suppose, but it can't be the ONLY cause. No matter what the cause is, it's startling and people would do well to smarten the hell up when it comes to using condoms or just not sleeping around.


Without a doubt, common sense should be exercised. But look at the number - 0.0083%. You stand a better chance of getting killed in a car accident than you do getting an STD. I don't see all the chicken little's running around warning everyone not to drive. Exercise caution, get to know the person you are sleeping with and for goodness sakes don't allow sensationalized headlines to stop you from living and enjoying the life you deserve.


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## Mr The Other

Runs like Dog said:


> Alberta, Canada reports an 80% spike in STD's but the nanny staters who run the province are of course blaming social media and not the complete lack of any moral agency or commonsense among the people afflicted.


Do you think the USA has an obesity problem because Americans have a particular problem with moral degeneracy with gluttony or is it circumstance? Glutonny is a big cause, but unless there are big peaks and troughs in spontaneous moral degeneracy, looking at circumstances seems to be not stupid.


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## Runs like Dog

Mr The Other said:


> Do you think the USA has an obesity problem because Americans have a particular problem with moral degeneracy with gluttony or is it circumstance? Glutonny is a big cause, but unless there are big peaks and troughs in spontaneous moral degeneracy, looking at circumstances seems to be not stupid.



There is cornucopia of reasons

1 - food deserts in urban areas forcing people to eat fast food
2 - lack of time to prepare food
3 - fresh food is too expensive
4 - and people are lazy
5 - and people eat too much
6 - and people don't understand portion control
7 - importantly no one moves around anymore


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## Mr The Other

Runs like Dog said:


> There is cornucopia of reasons
> 
> 1 - food deserts in urban areas forcing people to eat fast food
> 2 - lack of time to prepare food
> 3 - fresh food is too expensive
> 4 - and people are lazy
> 5 - and people eat too much
> 6 - and people don't understand portion control
> 7 - importantly no one moves around anymore


Quite. I think we agree.

A combination of personal irresponsibility and circumstances. Saying that circumstances make a difference does not mean all personal responsibility is denied, but personal responsibility should not remove all the effects of circumstance.

We cannot address personal responsibility _en-masse_, so we are left with dealing with circumstances.


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## Diana7

If you are looking only for casual sexual relationships then you are at great risk of Stds, because they are rampant. If you are looking for a long term relationship then dont sleep together till you get to know her really well and make sure she isnt the sort of girl who sleeps around.


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## Diana7

blueinbr said:


> I know this post will get some negative feedback, but I feel like I am missing out on the fun of on line dating. Of course, I am already married and like the comfort of going home each night to my spouse.


 A good marriage is worth far far more than casual sex with people you hardly know. I cant see the attraction at all, you have no idea what you are getting into and who that person has slept with before you. Give me a good faithful man any day of the week. :smile2:


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## Satya

I had two relationships after my divorce. One of those became my second marriage.

In both of those instances, I insisted that we both have a sexual health check and share the results with each other before we had sex. I was as much responsible for sharing my current sexual health status as the men were for sharing theirs.

Some people may be really put off by this, which is why the advice might not work for everyone. I know what I wanted to set as my boundaries and I had two men in my life who had no problem meeting them.

So, if STDs are a real concern for you, then simply act like it and put your health first in terms of requests to your potential partners.


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## Ynot

Diana7 said:


> A good marriage is worth far far more than casual sex with people you hardly know. I cant see the attraction at all, you have no idea what you are getting into and who that person has slept with before you. Give me a good faithful man any day of the week. :smile2:


Yes, but the key is a GOOD marriage. For most normal people that involves having sexual relations PRIOR to marriage, therefore for most of us mere mortals the (slim) threat of catching an STD is always there. Heck, even if you wait, there is still no guarantee, unless you marry a cloistered nun or monk.
I am happy that you found your soul mate, but many people have not. So, as many others have said your moralizing is really annoying.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

I get tested often, I've had plenty of casual sex and have never gotten an std. One of the getting to know each other questions I ask is when was their last std test and how long has it been since their last partner. It's obviously not fool proof but being able to talk openly about it does help.


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