# Not sure what to do.



## randomguy1 (Mar 28, 2011)

I've been with my wife since 1999. We dated for 2 years, and then got married. I was 21 and she was 19.. really young.

I've always been the creative type. The adventurous one who wants to do interesting things with his life. I'm not big on "norm". 

She spent most of our dating years following me around, instead of creating hobbies of her own. Now, all these years later she still has none, and has become just a shadow of me. I have all these things I enjoy and love to do, and she does not. I tried to encourage her, but she "needs" someone to follow. Eventually, she began to resent me and all the things I've done. I never forced her to follow me around or support my interests. I didn't ask her to. She chose to do that instead of finding her own thing (which I would have supported.)

She makes all these excuses about why things are the way they are, and none of those excuses ever add up.

We have a 5 year old, which makes this much more difficult. We've been in a funk since 2010. She "fell out of love" with me, and told me she didn't think she loved me (like that) anymore. This went on for a few months while I tried to beg her to reconsider. She closed herself off to me, and began "following" her sister around (instead of me). She eventually wound up emotionally cheating on me, as well as some minor physical stuff (I still believe it went farther than that, but I'll never know.)

I've been pleading with her, trying to be romatic, trying to rebuild our relationship for the past few years, and nothing has worked. She's so cold, and seemingly angry all the time. Everything I say to her is met with a snarky or snappy tone. She talks to me like she's my mom. I'm not perfect and I make mistakes. I don't get stuff done sometimes when she wants it done etc. But i'm only human.

I had gotten so fed up with the lack of anything in our relationship, I'd constantly bring it up every few months about how we never talk, we never have sex, we don't hug, we don't kiss, we don't say I love you. Our conversations consist of "hey, did you feed the dogs?". or just fussing about bills, school, kid.. etc. We don't "talk" anymore. If we have sex, it has to be planned and I have to beg for it. I'm at a point now where I'm where she was. I feel like I have a room mate, and not a wife. I feel like I've fallen out of love with her, just like she did me. I still "love" her, but I want to love someone.. like really love them and able to show them affection. She's not interested in that anymore.

We've sat down and talked, and she's told me verbatim "I hope you don't think we are ever going to be lovey dovey again". She thinks that we are past that point and its normal for us to not be affectionate towards the other. I know a couple who are in their 60s, who are still "lovey dovey" with each other. 

I miss all the romance, the hugs, the kisses, the dates, the sex, the cuddling, everything that went with actually being "in love" with someone vs. just married to them. 

The last time I brought it up, we got into a huge fight. She threatened to move in with her mom twice. I stopped her, but part of me wishes I'd just let her go. We had a long conversation the other night about how she sometimes thinks I'd be happier with someone else, who enjoys all the things I do. She said she hates all of my hobbies, and doesn't think she will ever like any of them. She said she saw me with some other female friends of mine who have more in common, and she saw how happy I seemed with them vs. her. I of course told her she was wrong at the time, and that we were meant to be together. I'm starting to question myself. 

We really don't have anything in common, not anymore. We didn't really then either, because when you're young you just want the other person to like you, so you pretend to like all the same things they like. Note to self.. always be myself.

It felt like she was telling me all that to try to get me to make the call to split up. Since that conversation, we've had several more fights, one of them almost ended in her leaving again. Now I'm too the point where I just don't care anymore. I've been doing my own thing, and making myself happy, and my son. I still have no idea where she stands. Friends tell me I should leave her, and start over.. They see how she treats me, and don't like it.

My question is, if someone tells you they hate all your hobbies. Has no interest in trying to like them. Never talks to you other than to bark orders and says they think you might be happier with someone else.. what do you do?

Do you stay and be miserable? Do you move on even though you've spent half your current lifetime with this person?


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Put it this way, at least you know her position and you don't have to guess. If you read enough on this forum, you'll see that many men still live in "limbo" (me included for a while) not knowing where you stand with your wife.

She says she doesn't love you and imagines you with someone else, then it couldn't be any more clear than that. You are still young so don't spend the rest of your life miserable. She's giving you the chance to get out, go ahead and take it.


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## UndecidedinATX (Jul 29, 2013)

My opinion is she wants you to make the decision to leave. She doesn't want to have to do it. I say this, because this is where I am in my relationship. 

I have told my husband that I don't love him like I think both of us deserve to be loved, I tell him I need him to be more affectionate, but as soon as he reaches out to me, my skin crawls, so he can't win, but yet, I can't seem to cut the cord. 

She doesn't want to be the bad guy. Just my thoughts.


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