# Ex-Sister In Law on Facebook



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Hi everyone,

Short background: My ex-husband and I lived in one home with his mother, his older brother and wife and their kid, and his sister. Obviously way too many people in 1 house, many MANY problems, emotional abuse etc., he refused to move out and I finally put my foot down and left. 

It's 1.5 years later...husband and I were separated for a year, he came to live with me and our toddler for 3 months and then went back. There was too much water under the bridge, his behaviour hadn't changed (he is still WAYYY too dependant on his biological family) and I couldn't deal with it anymore. We aren't divorced yet on paper, but physically and emotionally I feel the divorce has already happened.

So...the issue? Through a mutual Facebook friend I noticed my husband's brother's wife (we'll call her my sister-in-law) posted some of her pictures. I noticed the privacy setting was set specifically so I would be able to see it (we aren't friends on FB). 

A bit of background, I have INTENSE dislike for her, and the rest of my ex's family. I blame them for a lot of why our marriage failed. I have had nightmares for the past couple of years, due to turmoil they caused. I'm glad to be rid of them but hurt, sad and angry that it came at the expense of my marriage. Divorce hurts. I haven't told her how much pain she's caused me or expressed my anger at her.

So...seeing her family pictures dug up so much pain. She has a newborn 3-month-old. I'm not sad about that, what I'm sad about is that they have continued on with their lives, had babies, she's with her husband (even though I know their living situation makes her very unhappy, she still managed to keep her marriage together) and that just makes me feel so down about myself. I also dislike the fact that she's trying to rub it in my face by changing the FB settings so I'd see the pics (won't go into explanation, you'll have to take my word for it). Like, thanks...

Even though I've made so much progress (gotten my own place, new job, moving forward) I feel so alone. I feel...mocked. 

My heart literally jumped when I saw a picture of her and her husband. Jumped as in, caused anxiety and a really negative reaction inside me...I am telling myself to get used to it, get out of my comfort zone and deal with the fact that yes these people still exist, they have a life, they're moving on. And maybe forcing myself to see that, with somehow help me desensitize and cope and in turn move on myself. I used to live with these people...a part of me feels so left behind? This isn't just a divorce from my ex, it's a divorce from his family, who had a huge role in shaping and moulding a very negative 4-year part of my life.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

If seeing the pics bugs you that much then block her. Problem solved, right?

And that your STBXSIL has somehow managed to keep her marriage together is a testament to nothing more than the fact that her husband has lower standards than you do. That shouldn't bother you _at all_.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## strow (Feb 22, 2016)

Facebook = Evil.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> If seeing the pics bugs you that much then block her. Problem solved, right?
> 
> And that your STBXSIL has somehow managed to keep her marriage together is a testament to nothing more than the fact that her husband has lower standards than you do. That shouldn't bother you _at all_.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Gus, she was blocked for over a year. I recently un-blocked her because...well...I'm not sure. I didn't want to hide anymore. It's not that the pictures themselves bother me, it's that her existence bothers me LOL and I need to somehow deal with it and move on. I'm unfortunately bound to see these people around eventually, I share a daughter with the ex-husband and she is part of that family. If a picture bothers me so much, how am I going to handle running into them? 

But maybe I'm causing myself unnecessary pain and blocking her again is the right solution...she clearly wants to bug me. She's posting pictures of herself and a mutual friend together with their kids and set the privacy so I could see it. Bleh. Totally "look-at-me-with-my-great-family-and-look-at-you-divorced" material. And of course my curiosity causes me to click the damn link and have a look. I actually feel like doing the same to her, but refuse to stoop to her level.

Just admitting that it bothers me, somehow helps.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I get what you're saying, but think back to 10 or 20 years ago when there _was_ no FB, IG, or any other social media... you could just stop seeing someone and stop talking to them, and that effectively ended the exposure, right?

Not so anymore. Social media has turned that old paradigm on its head.

So yeah, take that extra step in order to get the distance that you need in order to heal. You don't have to block her forever, but you should probably (IMO) block her now AND keep her blocked for a while.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> I get what you're saying, but think back to 10 or 20 years ago when there _was_ no FB, IG, or any other social media... you could just stop seeing someone and stop talking to them, and that effectively ended the exposure, right?
> 
> Not so anymore. Social media has turned that old paradigm on its head.
> 
> ...


SO TRUE. I've been thinking a lot about totally deactivating my FB profile, but I'm hooked. It's almost like I have a diary of the last 7 years of my life on there (quotes, pictures, notes), and I'm sure a lot of people feel the same. Honestly, not having an account is probably the best solution right now.

If I do block her again, she'll feel some sort of satisfaction from knowing I was so bothered that I had to block her. Blehhhh. There's no winning this one.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> SO TRUE. I've been thinking a lot about totally deactivating my FB profile, but I'm hooked. It's almost like I have a diary of the last 7 years of my life on there (quotes, pictures, notes), and I'm sure a lot of people feel the same. Honestly, not having an account is probably the best solution right now.
> 
> *If I do block her again, she'll feel some sort of satisfaction from knowing I was so bothered that I had to block her. Blehhhh. There's no winning this one*.


Who cares?

You have the satisfaction of knowing that you're moving onward and upward while she's still stuck in a Hell of her own making.

If you really are keeping score then, objectively speaking, which of the two of you wins?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Who cares?
> 
> You have the satisfaction of knowing that you're moving onward and upward while she's still stuck in a Hell of her own making.
> 
> ...


Good point...thanks Gus. I really do give her/them more credit than they deserve. Thinking about them is such a waste of emotional/mental energy I could spend better...I need to stop.


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

strow said:


> Facebook = Evil.


She appears to say she is mad that they have continued on with their lives. Sounds like much more than a FB problem.


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> Short background: My ex-husband and I lived in one home with his mother, his older brother and wife and their kid, and his sister. Obviously way too many people in 1 house, many MANY problems, emotional abuse etc., he refused to move out and I finally put my foot down and left.
> 
> ...


bolded part is alarming.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

peacem said:


> facebook is just a shop window into people's lives. It really shouldn't be taken at face value. I see it all the time; pictures, quotes, unnecessary updates, charity work, fabulous holidays, new things, happy families, brilliant career, lots of friends. It is rarely reality because if we updated reality onto facebook it would be very dull with our daily humdrum lives and most people don't air their dirty laundry in public. We cherry pick what will make us look good to other people.
> 
> Forget about your SIL and go and have a happy new life where you don't have to prove anything to anyone. :smile2:


Oh I agree.
People take pictures when they are happy, hence the visuals we see into people's lives on FB are all positive. Who do you know that takes a family picture when everyone is upset? Also, "normal" people don't air their dirty laundry on FB, as you mentioned. It's not that it's fake, it's that it's only 1 sided. We only see the good stuff. Then we start to compare, feel bad about ourselves and become really superficial as a result.

Plus, like Gus said, back in the days before FB, we could just decide to cut someone out of our lives and not have to see them anymore or take their calls. Now, it's as easy as clicking a button and everything's in your face. The dynamics have changed.

I thought a lot about what I like about FB...it's mostly the quotes, and photos I've put up. So I decided to start a personal scrapbook at home where I can write down the same quotes and cut out the same pictures...they just don't be on a digital display, they'll be in my hands, which makes it more valuable I think. Instead of spending half an hour on FB a day which is what I estimate is the total amount of time I spend on there just browsing/reading, I can spend that half hour a day with my daughter making our own family scrapbook that she can keep when she's older. It'll involve her, it'll be interactive. It takes the "look at me!" public factor out of it and builds a stronger sense of family for us together. 

I'm glad the ex-SIL started this. It made me feel so crappy, but a great idea has come out of it. Thanks guys!


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

MRR said:


> bolded part is alarming.


When someone gets a divorce, and their ex gets remarried and moves on with their lives, it can be quite painful for the ex-spouse to see.

That's how I feel. I'm not only divorcing my husband, I'm divorcing his family. 

I'm not mad that they have continued on with their lives, I'm sad that I feel bothered by it. As any ex-spouse/ex-in law would feel.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Just try to let it go. Yeah, these people still do exist and are still going to try to cause you problems. Block them and be done with them. But like I said before, they are going to have to live with how bad they treated you and the negative consequenses they brought. You left them and you win...end of story. They are not going to give you closure only more pain.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> Just try to let it go. Yeah, these people still do exist and are still going to try to cause you problems. Block them and be done with them. But like I said before, they are going to have to live with how bad they treated you and the negative consequenses they brought. You left them and you win...end of story. They are not going to give you closure only more pain.


Thanks jb...you are right. I'm trying to let it go, but it's not happening. I think it's time to stop analyzing my feelings and just leave the past in the past.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> Thanks jb...you are right. I'm trying to let it go, but it's not happening. I think it's time to stop analyzing my feelings and just leave the past in the past.


When you analyze you think about them and bring back those old memories. They aren't worth your thoughts any more. You aren't doing anything wrong by blocking them. You need your peace.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> When you analyze you think about them and bring back those old memories. They aren't worth your thoughts any more. You aren't doing anything wrong by blocking them. You need your peace.


I ruminate a lot.
I don't know if that's normal...
For example, I will be brushing my teeth in the morning and think about something they did or said in the past that made me upset. And I'll feel myself get upset. The only good thing is, I'm aware of it and I can stop myself when I consciously try.
Also, the recurring nightmares have stopped...I'd say I have one nightmare about them every couple of weeks whereas before, it was on a regular basis.
So all in all, I have become a little stronger and time has helped me heal. But the over-analysis of feelings and rumination also need to stop. The past is the past for a reason.


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> When someone gets a divorce, and their ex gets remarried and moves on with their lives, it can be quite painful for the ex-spouse to see.
> 
> That's how I feel. I'm not only divorcing my husband, I'm divorcing his family.
> 
> I'm not mad that they have continued on with their lives, I'm sad that I feel bothered by it. As any ex-spouse/ex-in law would feel.


My point is -- the part that is bolded is your issue. That is what you need to get past. 

I am an ex spouse and ex in law. To state that we are all like this is not accurate. It is not healthy that you are having this reaction.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Orange, I just listened to a meditation audio on YouTube by Michael Sealey where he talks about letting go of ruminating. I tend to ruminate too and I'm working very hard to stop doing it. I don't believe it's healthy for the most part. When we ruminate on the past (usually negative rehashing) then we are not fully present in the here and now moment.

Learning to be mindful and in the moment is a skill to be learned. But there is a great peace to be had when you are fully present with yourself, right now, and not dwelling on the past.




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

peacem said:


> I don't know if it is normal - but I do too. I have made progress by recognising triggers and avoiding them. You may have some CPTSD which you could talk through with a therapist. Alternatively you could wait it out because as you stay away from triggers, build new, happier memories and experiences, the past becomes distant and less distressing.


Thank you for good advice.  Time has definitely helped because last year, I was 100% sure I suffered from some measure of PTSD. I talked to my counsellor and she gave me some material to read, and it's not as intense anymore. I've also been careful to get proper sleep and started walking daily which has really helped.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Orange, I just listened to a meditation audio on YouTube by Michael Sealey where he talks about letting go of ruminating. I tend to ruminate too and I'm working very hard to stop doing it. I don't believe it's healthy for the most part. When we ruminate on the past (usually negative rehashing) then we are not fully present in the here and now moment.
> 
> Learning to be mindful and in the moment is a skill to be learned. But there is a great peace to be had when you are fully present with yourself, right now, and not dwelling on the past.
> 
> ...


I'm going to look up Michael Sealey on Youtube, thanks happy. I've read a lot of Eckhart Tolle, and I am trying to focus on the present. But I haven't tried meditation videos or audios...its' a good idea.

Lately my source of stress is from being overworked/always tired. Working 9 to 6, taking care of a toddler and trying to maintain the home. Also taking a training class once a week. The other night, I just stared blankly into the living room, thinking, "I'm so tired of all the responsibility on my shoulders" and that made me super upset at my ex. He should be here to help me. But it is what it is.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

peacem said:


> If I inadvertently get triggered I have things I do to distract myself. I wait for those feelings to pass then carry on with my day. Ruminating can make your thoughts become like a never ending loop. As soon as you feel sad or angry go to your one thing that takes you away from the moment before it sets in. I have audio books which I plug myself into. My husband plays scrabble on his ipad. Whatever distracts you....


It's true, it really can become like a never-ending loop.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFYl8TVNwg8


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

peacem said:


> Yes, I have seen that video before. It's good for making you think differently and changing your thought patterns.
> 
> Something you may like to think about right now. Having bad experiences with people and situations, as painful as they are, are very important in making us stronger people in the long run. If we erased certain memories or bad experiences from our minds we would never learn to grow.
> 
> ...


I am very much looking forward to the day when I wake up and not care about it anymore. I know I'm on my way there because rather than sitting back and thinking "poor me", I'm trying to read and learn about how to forgive and move on.

What you've recounted about being around a toxic family of in laws really resonates with me. It's how I felt. I remember days I'd sit in a dark bedroom by myself with my newborn and just cry...because I felt so helpless, alone, unheard, disliked, uncared for. I also retreated into myself a lot. My husband didn't stand up for me, he blamed me but also didn't like seeing me sad either, so he usually responded with explosive anger. I'm thankful those days are behind me and I have a home where I am not nervous or anxious. No wonder those FB pictures make me feel so uncomfortable...they are a reminder of what I escaped. They bring back bad memories. I truly did/do feel emotionally brutalized by them...and yes, today I am a stronger person. I just hope it was worth the cost. I had to leave my marriage to distance myself from the pain. Did your marriage survive it?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

The perils of Facebook!

Like others said, they're just pictures. They capture a particular split second of someone's life, and they're also not indicative of much else, other than what they want others to see. Often, especially on Facebook, it's nothing more than window dressing. "See how happy we are?" Which is EXACTLY why ex-SIL set her privacy settings so YOU could see it. Nothing else.

She's the one with hang-ups, and the urge to prove to you, for some reason, that you made some sort of mistake.

I've seen a handful of pictures of my ex wife on Facebook over the years, without actually looking for them. Facebook widens ones circle immensely, and it's all but impossible to completely avoid such things. Each time I've happened upon a picture of her, my heart jumps, like yours. No idea why - it just does.

What's actually been worse, for me, is happening upon the odd picture of my former niece and nephew, who were 6 and 4 the last time I saw them IRL. My niece was my god-daughter. Those are difficult pictures to see.

FWIW, of the 5 or 6 pictures I've seen of my ex wife, she's not smiling in one of them, even if the other people are (including her husband). The instant I noticed that, I chuckled to myself. Then I realized I didn't care, and chuckled about THAT.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

peacem said:


> Toxic people don't just stop with one person. They are like cannibals - when there is no outsider to taunt they turn on each other. That is how dysfunctional families work, they always need a scapegoat. You have got one over on them by opting out and not playing the game and forcing them to find someone new to bother. When I withdrew from their family they went to extraordinary lengths to harvest morsels of information about me - borderline stalking. Why? Because they had lost their scapegoat. Within months they had found a new one. Quelle suprise.


I'm sorry you had to go through that. It does make us stronger people, from what you've shared and written here, you have a good head on your shoulders and are a confident person.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

alexm said:


> The perils of Facebook!
> 
> Like others said, they're just pictures. They capture a particular split second of someone's life, and they're also not indicative of much else, other than what they want others to see. Often, especially on Facebook, it's nothing more than window dressing. "See how happy we are?" Which is EXACTLY why ex-SIL set her privacy settings so YOU could see it. Nothing else.
> 
> ...


That's a good point, she's the one with the hangups since she's trying to prove something to me. I know one day I'll be able to see a picture of them and not care, like you mentioned.

For some reason, I think seeing pictures of them would be more difficult than seeing pictures of my ex-husband if he remarries. Simply because him and I have gotten closure from each other, and are trying to forgive each other, and are trying to remain amicable. I would probably congratulate him and send him a gift when he has another child. Whereas his family has never apologized (never will) and as someone else here said, will probably always try to stick it to me. It's painful now but I hope that one day I won't care.

Thank you for relating to my experience.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Do you think maybe she did that because her marriage is about to finally break and its her effort to convince herself its not happening? If she cares so much about showing how happy she is to you it could be she is actually miserable and insecure about the state of her marriage.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Cecezakat said:


> Do you think maybe she did that because her marriage is about to finally break and its her effort to convince herself its not happening? If she cares so much about showing how happy she is to you it could be she is actually miserable and insecure about the state of her marriage.


I know for a fact that she is very miserable about her marriage because she told me when I lived there with them. I wasn't the only unhappy one.

But I don't think she's going to let the marriage break, she's too concerned with what people think/say and she used to tell me that she's going to make the family suffer just like they've made her suffer. It was really toxic, I'm glad I walked away from the situation. Yes it's been painful for me but nobody goes through life without some measure of pain. I don't want her marriage to break, I want to be free of them emotionally/psychologically and build a happy life for myself. I don't want to care, when she tries to "stick it to me" on FB or otherwise. Sometimes I wonder to myself if I'm just kidding myself or totally off-track with my thoughts...which is why I come here to get opinions from other posters...I'm so glad for the comments I've received. Trying to PROVE to someone that you're happy, really means you're not happy at all!


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