# She is drifting away, how can I save it?



## lars265 (Apr 13, 2017)

Hello,

In a lot of pain and confusion right now. Open to any thoughts and suggestions.

My fiancee and I are both currently 30. We started dating 6 years ago, got engaged 3 years ago. She is my first love, and to her I am her first serious relationship.

A month ago she told me she was unhappy in the relationship and doesn't know why because I'm just a "great guy". Logically, she thinks she should be with me because I take care of her, but emotionally she says she wants someone feels intimate with. She says it is a lot of work and she doesn't know if she wants to try again. She said she wanted a man who she wants to kiss, who takes charge. We had been through something similar 2 years ago. At the time she didn't feel I was supporting her goals, and since then I've bent head over heels to support her as best as I can, which she has been grateful for. However, that caused me to be her butler and I forgot the court and date her. 

Unfortunately, communication isn't our best suit. She has a tendency to get upset when I try to get her to open up, and I, afraid of upsetting her, 
don't often pursue. I think over time she started to lose attraction for me because I was not emotionally in tune and focused too much on sex, thinking everything was great. I acted too needy and a pleaser and I believe that was why she lost her feelings for me. In addtion, we are both introverts and don't socialize much outside of each other, which may have led to me smothering her with what I thought would keep her happy. It also doesn't help that her only friends are guy friends, who I'm sure are interested in her because she is beautiful.

Alongside, I found out she has been bantering with another coworker that she says she is not interested in for about a year. I confronted her earlier and she stated it was just fun. She also said she did meet someone that she was interested in and had been on a two coffee meetings with him, though she tried to say she didn't know it was a date. I get the sense she has been lining up my replacement.

When she had told me this in the beginning, I made mistakes by trying to reason and plead with her to give us another chance. I seriously was caught off guard but after reading online, etc, I realize this was not a good move and likely further lowered my attraction to her. I also began to realize all the mistakes I made and I wanted to fix it. She stated we can try, but she is looking for apartments so she doesn't feel like she is stuck. 

So I decided to act more like a man and let her do what she wants, pretending it doesn't bother me and trying to give myself the mindset that I know my value and she can leave if she wants to. Last week, we started to get closer again to the point where we would cuddle together in bed. I felt like things were turning up, which was surprising to me since a week ago I thought she had lost interest completely. But the next day when I dropped her off at the airport I told her that I do not care if she sees/flirts with other guys, but that it is testing me and if she messes it up with me I will walk away. I tried to show strength and that statement brought her to tears. During her vacation she gave me the silent treatment, though I can tell she was texting the guys mentioned above. I feel like I made a mistake because I was just getting her to open up again but stupidly brought the drama back at the worse time ever.

Anyway, she is back and i'm trying to get her to open up to me emotionally since she obviously shut me out during that week. At the same time I am worried that if I keep probing her to open up she will always associate the negative feelings with me, pushing her further away to avoid these hurtful feelings. She hasn't found an apartment yet but is looking for one in June, which puts time pressure for me to reattract her to stay through my actions.

I love this girl more than anything, but I'm trying to date/court her again and try to help her develop attraction for me, without forcing it. I feel that I need to make myself more scarce in order to give her space, be less needy, and show her that my life will go on and to give her a chance to miss me. But I do fear she will leave if I start to neglect her like this since her interest is so low already. I had a date planned on Saturday which she is open to, though her interest is clearly low. 

Apologies if the above is scrambled. I know 6 years isn't THAT long and we aren't even married, but I haven't felt this much pain, agony, and heartache ever before. I know this experience will teach me to be a better man instead of a needy pleaser that I was, but I love this girl to no end. The other aspects of my life (career, etc) are fantastic and I am a confident professional in those areas, but when I'm with her I sort of lose myself and smother her. 

Please help, lay down the truth, smack me in the face, whatever it is!


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

Sorry, she has found another man and you are "plan B" in her life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are two books that I think could help you. The books go together so you would need both of them.

Love Busters

His Needs, Her Needs

There are links to them in my signature block below.

How many hours a week do the two of you spend together, just the two of you, doing things where you focus on each other?


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## lars265 (Apr 13, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> There are two books that I think could help you. The books go together so you would need both of them.
> 
> Love Busters
> 
> ...


For the past 1.5 years, we probably spent 10-15 hrs a week together. Of that time, a small portion was spent focused on each other. Most of the time we spend together we are working (we're both in the medical field), or watching TV when she gets back at around 11 pm and just says she wants a break. She often falls asleep in my arms on the couch. 

In retrospect we didn't spend much time chatting with each other, mostly because of her just being exhausted from 18+ hour days. I think just that fact also means she spends a lot more time with her coworkers... Last month was when she finally started to have more time, which is why I started planning more dates, etc. I should have focused more on connecting with her during the past year and a half. It is a little difficult to get her to open up now even though I am trying. She keeps saying that she doesn't feel like talking about it, and if I push further she gets mad and I ruin the mood.

I should also share that we moved across the country together and have both made sacrifices for each other. Her parents recently got divorced as well, which I think also caused her to fear that this will lead the same way.

I appreciate the books and will definitely take a look. Unfortunately I dont think I'll be able to get through it and apply it in time. I would sincerely appreciate any advice now to save this.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You know what is coming here...on TAM, don't you?

What she wants:

A man who is sure of himself. 
A man who can communicate..even if she cannot. Or is "afraid" to to communicate. Her real feelings are not helpful to your relationship, hence her silence.
A man who values himself, values her, just enough to keep her "on edge". Keep her interest piqued.
A man whom she can trust.
A man who is friendly and happy with himself.
A man who smiles a lot. Has a sense of humor.....

A man who has what you can never have......fresh paint, new car smell. 
A man who has a "different" brand of Kibbles. He feeds her compliments and his are nice and genuine. 

A man who is mysterious. 
A man who looks good clothed.....maybe good unclothed.

A man who has more promise. He has a better chance at making her happy.
A man who might be better in bed.

She has not left you yet, hence the tears a while back. This means she have love for you. But it is diminishing.
She has not left you...yet. 

She IS looking and she is looking for excuses. She is comparing you to other men.

From your initial post, I could tell that you know what needs to be done.
Git-er-Done!


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## lars265 (Apr 13, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> You know what is coming here...on TAM, don't you?
> 
> What she wants:
> 
> ...


Thanks for that message and appreciate the list. Unfortunately, I am conflicted on what needs to be done...hence my reason for the post.

I assume you're saying I should strive to be the better man and have her choose. I am planning on showing her I am okay without her, hanging out more with my buddies to give her space, focusing on myself and my work, keeping a positive mood, supporting and courting her, and trying to get her to open up. I'm thinking you were leaning towards this because you're saying she may still have feelings for me. Or am I just trying to find hope where there is none?

This is versus growing a spine, putting my foot down, confronting her, telling her to stop communicating with those guys because its disrespectful, and ending it if she refuses.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

As far as putting your foot down:

Depends. Don't you hate that word?
............................................................................................................................
I would ask her where her head is at.

You are engaged. For three years.

You have not pulled the trigger. Some here will tell you that is a good thing.

Me? I would ask her if she still wants to be engaged.

If she hems and haws and say she is "unsure"....she is not really in to you. Remember, she knows how she feels.

If she is not sure, ask her for her engagement ring back. Break the engagement. Tell her that the two of you are no longer exclusive.

Do this quietly and politely. And with a smile.

You will have your answer. 

If she says yes, and if you believe her, ask her to name a date. If it is not very soon, it is not sufficient love on her part.

End the relationship. You must be decisive on this. See what happens in the weeks to come. If she wants to try again, this is promising.

My take on where she is at? Not a clue, my friend. 

Good luck.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

She's definitely not worth all she's putting you through. Try to find someone who is into you and not someone she wants you to be. I find women who keep on saying they want a man who will take charge to be quite tiresome and shallow. You're lucky that you aren't married to her because you would probably end up divorced in the first couple years. Break it off with her and find someone who really wants to be with you.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Lars, you are a fool. You know it is over but you still sleep in the same bed. All you really need is a faithful woman. This one is NOT. Sure you made mistakes, but she is using you. I think you should stop trying to win her back. Start separating finances, Things, addresses, etc. 

one other thing, Did she return the ring?


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

Alert! High maintenance woman detected, with lukewarm feelings for you and expectations of you becoming the man that she wants, which is a proxy for her not really knowing what she wants. Run away, very fast! Don't look back.


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## lars265 (Apr 13, 2017)

The thing that eats me up is that we were both very happy 3-4 years ago. When we were 2.5 hours apart she drove almost every weekend to come visit me for 2 years. Things were really great back then and a part of me wants to bring all that back and thinks I can fix it if I can convince her to try. Regardless, I need to work on myself.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

lars265 said:


> The thing that eats me up is that we were both very happy 3-4 years ago. When we were 2.5 hours apart she drove almost every weekend to come visit me for 2 years. Things were really great back then and a part of me wants to bring all that back and thinks I can fix it if I can convince her to try. Regardless, I need to work on myself.


Yes work on yourself and leave this cheating drama queen to whatever guy will put up with her crap.Is this how you want to live,on eggshells,afraid to be yourself in case you inadvertently upset her.Go and do a few things for yourself,buy a new car or a motorbike,have a vacation and don't contact her and let her learn to miss YOU.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

In this case, I suggest you follow SunCMars advice to figure out where she is. You can't hold a relationship together on your own. If she is trying to decide if she should stay in the relationship, then the relationship is over. Relationships just don't work if both people aren't 100% invested in holding it together. Your best bet is to let her go, grieve the loss, and move on. Perhaps at some point she will grow up enough to want to work on a relationship with you. But you shouldn't wait for that.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

lars265 said:


> It also doesn't help that her only friends are guy friends, who I'm sure are interested in her because she is beautiful.


 She does not have female friends, and only has guy friends, because female friends are not trying to get into her pants and thus are looking for real friends that contribute equally to the friendship. Your fiancee on the other hand is looking for male orbiters that she can use her beauty on. 



lars265 said:


> Alongside, I found out she has been bantering with another coworker that she says she is not interested in for about a year. I confronted her earlier and she stated it was just fun. She also said she did meet someone that she was interested in and had been on a two coffee meetings with him, though she tried to say she didn't know it was a date. I get the sense she has been lining up my replacement.


 She knew that the two meetings were dates, and you got the feeling that she is lining up your replacement because she is. If she is dating other men, and looking for your replacement, she is not really your fiancee anymore, and you are not even in an exclusive relationship with her. 



lars265 said:


> So I decided to act more like a man and let her do what she wants, pretending it doesn't bother me.


 Real men do not pretend that they do not mind being cheated on. Real men decisively dump cheaters and move on.



lars265 said:


> But the next day when I dropped her off at the airport I told her that I do not care if she sees/flirts with other guys, but that it is testing me and if she messes it up with me I will walk away. I tried to show strength and that statement brought her to tears. During her vacation she gave me the silent treatment, though I can tell she was texting the guys mentioned above.


 Telling her that you "do not care if she sees/flirts with other guys" is not showing strength, it is showing weakness. Her giving you the silent treatment while texting the other men that she is dating and cheating with shows you that she saw this weakness. BTW, who did she vacation with? Is it possible that she had plans with another man on this trip?

Dating other men, giving you the silent treatment when she is on vacation, and making plans to move out, tells you that your relationship is over. End it with dignity and your head held high. Dump her and do not look back. Only if she does the hard work to prove that she deserves a second chance should you even think about giving her one. Although I would not hold out much hope, since the fact that she is moving out tells you that she is moving on and probably already has another man lined up.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

The title of your thread is "She is drifting away, how can I save it?" The answer to that question is that the best chance that you have to save it is to really be willing to end it. By this I mean, tell her right now that you have had enough. If she is no longer interested in committing 100% to the relationship, you are done with her. On the off chance that she wants to commit, set firm boundaries that include full no contact with these 2 other men, and establish full transparency that includes sharing all passwords without complaint. Do not budge or debate this. If she does not say yes, then you have your answer and you are done.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Giving her space and then waiting to find out what she does is weak. It is you reacting to her, predicting what she will do, responding to it… It's week. Make up your damn mind. What are you want? You probably want to woman who's into you, right? Well then tell her that. Don't wait for her to leave. Make up your damn mind, tell her what you need, and move on if she can't meet that need.

sorry, but you sound like a sad little puppy. I totally get that you feel that way. It's normal, especially if you love her. But you could never ever ever let her see that.

Tell her you've thought about it and actually do give a damn if she flirts with other guys. Tell her she chooses to do that she should just move the hell out.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

I will add No More Mr. Nice Guy to the list of books. Also, hit the gym. She's already told you twice that you don't meet her standards. 

Hit the gym & find a woman that will meet YOUR standards!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You could also try the book 

"What do women want?"
By Daniel Bergner.

You sound a little too nice, good is not always nice, and maybe a bit codependent.

If she is still sleeping with you and dating you, you have a chance but you need to become more comfortable in your own skin as an individual.

A confident, independent man that fearlessly loves a woman, regardless of what might happen, is very attractive.

Securing her as your mate should not be your sole purpose.

Securing who you are regardless of what is happening in your life needs to be your sole purpose.

If I were in your shoes, I would not be afraid to bravely cry. Not to make her feel guilty or sympathy but to smile while I was crying, telling her she is the love of my life and I don't regret a moment of my life with her.

I would give her some space as I focused on myself, improving work, hobbies, physical fitness, activities, etc...

I would let her know, still not hiding my love and still smiling at the thought of her, that I had to be exclusive in our dating or we couldn't be together like that.

I would let her know it would break my heart but only wish the best for her

I would ask her to make sure she is making good choices.

Also, between me, you and TAM, Who do you think she has been talking to and do you think some of her discontent has been helped along by others with an agenda?

Did she maybe start confiding/complaining to friends about your relationship instead of you? Maybe to another man over 🍵 coffee?

Some thoughts. Best wishes.


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## lars265 (Apr 13, 2017)

Thanks guys. I didn't expect this to be helpful and it has indeed given me some clarity. I appreciate all of your comments and always welcome more.

I agree that letting this be in limbo and waiting for her is weak. I know that regardless of what happens, I need to change for myself. I am way too nice. It is odd because I am confident in every aspect of life except in this relationship, which I've given up all power. The kind of loving I am showing her is the kind I saw with my parents, which wasn't romantic at all and more like a parent spoiling their kid.

I will draw a line with her. I've let her walk over me too much and I need to leave with some dignity, learn from my mistakes, and move on.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

*If you chase they move farther away. Always!!!!*

You stay in this being disrespected you'll just get more and dumped afterwards. She's either in or you are out. You appear to be letting your weakness define you. Very unnattractive!!!!

You cannot make some one love you or do anything. 

Do not make threats you won't enforce. You'll just get walked on. Your best bet is to go your own way. Better than have it happen with kids later.

Read it. It's short and you need to apply it. 
https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Lars:

Some people spend their lives chasing limerence. Look it up. 

Your fiance sounds like such a person. 

Let her go. She failed her audition to be your wife by not being able to remain faithful.

And remember this:

No matter how poorly you treated her, how much you may have neglected her, how much you struggled to lead or to initiate problem solving dialogue, when things got tough, rather than work to fix them, or just simply break up with you, she started messaging other men.

Let that sink in. She is low character. Sweep this situation under the rug, and it will surely happen again, only next time you will potentially have children, a mortgage, 401K's, alimony, and child support to figure out.

Good luck.


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## shrah25 (Mar 22, 2017)

lars265 said:


> Hello,
> 
> In a lot of pain and confusion right now. Open to any thoughts and suggestions.
> 
> ...



Hi @Lars256

Thanks for your post and your honesty. 

I think to help resolve your situation, it's important to get to the heart of what's real. The short of it is that, IMO, your partner's needs weren't being met. In my work, i've never come across a couple where each partner's needs were being met at high levels and didn't have any passion or intimacy. It just doesn't work that way. I'll say the same thing about her as well. 

The real issue here is that, in relationships, people often fail to maintain the same effort in a relationship after a number of years as they did at the start. What your going through doesn't just happen. It's the small things that compound over time that lead to a moment that we say things like "i've fallen out of love for my partner" or "There is no passion in the relationship".

I'll be brutally honest here in that, you are on a very slippery slope here in terms of how you handle this situation. In a nutshell, you've gone from one extreme to another. You've been the pleaser, the needy partner to the partner that puts on the facade of not giving a s*** and sadly, neither of these approaches work in the long run. 

You need to strike the right balance here. The part of you that shows the confidence and strength that you do in other parts of your life, yet showing presence and level of vulnerability that she also needs to balance things out. Without this balance, the relationship goes from one extreme to another and never ends up moving forward in the way that you both want to. 

There is no doubt in my mind that she wants you to step up for her a man. Be her rock. Be her voice. Be her strength. Show her that nothing phases you. But as long as you smother her and fail to show up for her in the way she needs you to, then all she's getting is a 'hairy' woman and that simply is not what will create the spark and the chemistry that she needs in her life. In fact, she will lose respect for you. If she doesn't get that, she will find it in other places. As an introvert, she will be wanting you to lead and guide her. She will be attracted to confidence and extroversion so this is where you will need to step that up - but if you balance that out with some real authenticity and vulnerability, then you have the foundations for a real partnership.

I hope that all makes sense.

If you have any questions, please let me know.

Thanks
Sri


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You e gotten good advice.

Just a few of th things you said that stuck out:

1She went fir coffee twice with a guy and didn't know they were dates.

That is just flat out bull ****.
So you know you are being lied to.

2 she has been texting and doing things with two guys-/ that she told you about. Again, bs.

3 She abandons you during her vacation--/ certainly you don't think she was alone the whole time?

4 she's told you she is moving out.
Women that are in love don't move out.

What to do:

Accept she is not the one you should marry, she is no longer in love with you, is stringing you along for who kibbles and security until she replaces you (you already know this).
I know how hard it is and how hurtful it is. But you have got to dump her and move on.
You sound like a man that lots of women would want to date. Don't foolishly think there's something special about this one. There isn't. Do you know how I know? Because I can tell you exactly what she's going to do in the next 4 months.

Tell her you are done. That you have been loyal to her when she's shown you nothing but betrayal.
Ask for the ring back. You are not a man who has to tolerate a fiancée who dates other men.
Mean it. Be dine with her. If you don't, you're going to be in daily misery until she finally dumps you.
Sir, you CAN replace her.
The only value she has in your mind, is value that you give her.
She should be rapidly depreciating in your mind after what she is doing.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

lars265 said:


> Alongside, I found out she has been bantering with another coworker that she says she is not interested in for about a year. I confronted her earlier and she stated it was just fun. *She also said she did meet someone that she was interested in and had been on a two coffee meetings with him*, though she tried to say she didn't know it was a date. I get the sense she has been lining up my replacement.
> 
> Please help, lay down the truth, smack me in the face, whatever it is!


This is not a fiancée.


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## emmasmith (Aug 11, 2016)

Establish full transparency and sharing all passwords without complaint.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

Lars you are not married and you don't have kids.

Your fiancee is not committed to a relationship.

Go look in the mirror. Make that man the best man he can be for himself.

Terminate the relationship with the woman who has you 3rd, 4th, 5th ? in her line of priority.

When does you lease expire? On that date YOU move out.

Never have contact with this disordered person again. All she will do is drag you down to the soul sucking place of limbo.

End this relationship now and learn to be a better man. I recommend Hold On to Your N.U.T.S. by Wayne Levine.

Become an authentic man and send this woman packing.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

lars265 said:


> Hello,
> 
> In a lot of pain and confusion right now. Open to any thoughts and suggestions.
> 
> ...


Of course this is painful, you have built a life together and thought she was in your future.
Maybe she expected more of a committment from you such as marriage?

First you cannot nice her back. a needy man is a major turnoff for a woman. You have basically sent her the message that you are always available no matter how badly she treats you

YOu have to consider whether you want to be married to someone like this
She has met someone else or is on the lookout you are not her priority anymore.
Do the 180 hard for yourself, you have to focus on yourself, you cannot change her. However the 180 might show her what she is about to miss.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

The best thing you can do is tell her best of luck in your new venture, then let her go.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sigh...

Without women, men would kill each other.
With women, men trip over their own big feet, fall and kill themselves.

Damn you and your puzzies!!

Live, flutch and die.

Gotta Love It.


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## lars265 (Apr 13, 2017)

I talked to her last night and I broke it off. She opened up to me and basically told me she thinks I deserve someone who can really love me. We talked about all the things that I did that irritated her, including her not feeling she can open up to me, etc. We talked about all the things she has done. She said she really tried these past two years to fall back in love with me, but I am upset because it takes two people to meet each others needs and I was never part of this. I didn't have a chance to meet her needs due to poor communication. This was the first real conversation we've had about our relationship in 1.5 years.

She says she still does love me but needs some time to be alone and learn to love herself. I should share she does have a lot of self-esteem and self-confidence issues, which I've tried to help with but probably made worse with my parental actions. She is very high achieving but still has self-doubt that I thought I'd be able to help with by supporting her. Seems she was also drawn to the validation from these other guys when I don't provide, which gets her into these messy situations. She isn't the type of girl to sleep around, but emotional infidelity is still a problem. I laid out my terms if we were to continue, but she said she thinks she should learn to be alone. She is looking at apartments today and will move out asap. I would leave but the unit is owned by me. It hurts to see her in pain and not be able to help, but this is probably for the best. I'm moving on and working on myself.

This has been an eye-opening experience for me. Essentially my first break-up, at age 30, hah. I'm curious what the best thing is for a girl in her situation. She is not happy with herself, not proud that she was drawn to other guys, that she has low self-esteem and self-confidence, and that she can't love me the way I love her. I don't believe she is a "bad' person at all, but just lost. What is the best way for girls like this to get themselves back on track? I am hoping to give her some ideas when she moves out. I truly want her to be happy, even if it is not with me.

Thank you all for your thoughts. Time to grow some balls.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Why ask those questions? That is for her to figure out. 

Stop being her knight in shining armor. Google the term. She will address things when she is ready, which is no longer your concern because she is now officially an ex.

Also, this is your reading assignment:

https://www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/

It will all make sense after reading the link.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

This explains a lot. Thanks.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I wish I had time to translate what she said in a way you could understand it. But the gust of it is this: She doesn't love you and has been hoping you'd break things off so she didn't have to be the bad guy.

You are very foolish if you don't KNOW that you can do better than this person. She has all kinds of problems. 

I will say this in my most confident tone: The pain you feel now is horrible, but it's a freaking drop in the bucket compared to how you would have felt had you married her, had kids with her, built a life with her---- and she cheated on you and left you. I truly believe this is how your life would have turned out had you married her.

She is no longer your concern. Please don't help her any more in life. She will be back for help in some way. Tell her no. Just no. Nothing else. Move on. Date other women. It will help you get your mind off her. 

I'm so sorry you're hurting.
You truly did dodge a bullet. And I believe that bullet was a 50 caliber hollow point. 

Now find yourself one that values YOU. Don't ever worry about her or incest thoughts in what she is doing. Use some thought stopping techniques.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

lars265 said:


> I talked to her last night and I broke it off. She opened up to me and basically told me she thinks I deserve someone who can really love me.
> 
> This has been an eye-opening experience for me. Essentially my first break-up, at age 30, hah. I'm curious what the best thing is for a girl in her situation. She is not happy with herself, not proud that she was drawn to other guys, that she has low self-esteem and self-confidence, and that she can't love me the way I love her. I don't believe she is a "bad' person at all, but just lost. What is the best way for girls like this to get themselves back on track? I am hoping to give her some ideas when she moves out. I truly want her to be happy, even if it is not with me.
> 
> Thank you all for your thoughts. Time to grow some balls.


Yes 100%. You DO deserve someone who really loves you. She knows it isn't her. You sound like a caring man and I am old enough to be your Mother but take it from me; it is not your job or place to help her figure out how to have a successful relationship. I know you only want to help her and that is normal to feel like that because you've been together for awhile. The very best thing you can do is cut things completely clean with her and focus only on you and how to help yourself in the future have a good relationship. It isn't all your fault as you two discussed. Sometimes things just don't work out and this is one of those times. She made some choices to explore other men and now she can do that freely. Take a big breath and let her go now. I'm sure it doesn't feel like it, but I promise you will be OK! Take care of yourself now.


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## lars265 (Apr 13, 2017)

Took a while I know, but I get it now. I'll move on. Thank you everyone for your thoughts and concerns. I really do appreciate it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I know how bad it hurts.
I know how you probably look at your phone constantly for messages from her. 
Start dating. She is.
There will be naysayers who say you need time to heal. Being around others who can bring happiness to your life will speed that up. You don't have to fall in love and have a rebound.
But the old saying"the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else"--- isn't all wrong.

But you can sit and pine for her a while if it makes you feel better.
Definitely do grieve your loss. Then go get happy again.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

lars265 said:


> Seems she was also drawn to the validation from these other guys when I don't provide, which gets her into these messy situations. She isn't the type of girl to sleep around, but emotional infidelity is still a problem. I laid out my terms if we were to continue, but she said she thinks she should learn to be alone. She is looking at apartments today and will move out asap. I would leave but the unit is owned by me. It hurts to see her in pain and not be able to help, but this is probably for the best. I'm moving on and working on myself.





lars265 said:


> She is not happy with herself, not proud that she was drawn to other guys, that she has low self-esteem and self-confidence, and that she can't love me the way I love her. I don't believe she is a "bad' person at all, but just lost.


 Everything that she has said to you, where she shifts blame to you for not being perfect, is exactly what almost every cheater says when they are trying to rationalize that they cheated. You got her as close to admitting that she was cheating and leaving you to further pursue relationships with these other men as could be expected from a cheater. As for her not being a bad person, tell us if you still feel that way about her when you start to fully understand the full extent of her relationship with these other men while she was suppose to be in an exclusive relationship with you.


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