# Wife texting and Sending Pics to Unknown Person



## cowen95 (Dec 28, 2020)

Hello everyone. I'm not too sure why I am actually doing this but I feel like if I get it off my chest it might actually help. I want to put some things into perspective first because I do feel like the back story could help...My wife has not had the best life, she was abused as a young child and it didn't stop until she was a teenager. She got into a long term relationship with a guy because she was pregnant. After 7 miserable years with him, they finally left each other and she met me.
We have been together for almost 10 years now, have two small children together and are pretty financially stable. I can admit that I am not an easy person to talk to and I don't show emotion well. Over the past year or so I have been somewhat distant and could have acknowledged her more than what I did. With that being said, here is what happened....

About 6-8 months ago I overheard her having a conversation with someone and it just didn't seem like it would be someone I knew. It wasn't sexual or anything like that, in fact, it was more about us and our relationship. I wanted to know who it was so I looked at her phone records and noticed that she had been talking to someone multiple times a week for hours on end. All of this was going on while I was at work which made things a little fishy. I finally confronted her about it after I texted him and found out who he was. She said it was someone that she somehow met online and they would just talk on the phone. Mainly about his life, his family and our life. I put a stop to that instantly since it didn't seem appropriate at all.

Over the last month, she has been really distant towards me. We have only had sex a few times this month which isn't normal. There was something that happened to her in November so I thought it was that but I couldn't shake this feeling I was having. Yesterday while we were talking, I was trying to get into her snapchat because she got a message from someone I never heard of before. She gave me a password to something else and to my surprise it was also to her snapchat.
I looked at the messages and saw that not only was she talking to this guy, but he sent her a naked picture of himself and she in turn sent videos of herself to him. The same videos that she sent to me. I was absolutely livid and confronted her right away about it. We had a huge argument about the whole thing with her explaining things to me as best as she could.
She said that she has never met the guy, would never go out and meet him and was just flirting with him in order to get attention. She has issues where she needs to feel reassured not just by me but by someone else that she is attractive, hot and sexy. She kept going on about that and that she didn't know why she even did it in the first place and she was just trying to get attention. 
She instantly deleted him from snapchat which I guess is a start but she also reset her password which makes me even more suspicious about it. I know she loves and cares about me, I just don't know what to do. I really want to believe her when she says that she would never do anything with another man because if there is one thing she despises, it's cheating. Am I wrong to think that even though she doesn't know him this is still cheating? Is she going to do it again but try to be even more secretive about the whole thing? Is she really willing to lose everything, and I mean she will lose everything if she continues on this path?

Like I said, I am trying to write this down in hopes that it will help me with the whole problem but I am definitely willing to take any advice I can get.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I define cheating as doing something sexually that you wouldn’t want your partner to know. She has also lied to you.
How do you define cheating?
Tell her right now that you’re meeting a lawyer to discuss things.
She needs her world shaken up and for a start she gives you her password to everything.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

sending nude videos....hard to see that as anything but a sexual encounter with him.
maybe in her mind, the fact that she has not actually met him, or that he lives far away, makes it "ok for her" to do that. 

She did it for someone to tell her how sexy she looks, so she could masturbate online with him, and have multiple orgasms. 

that is a LOT of horny energy she has, and has invested at least some amount of time into this guy. 
IF you can see a way to forgive her, maybe you can direct all that sexual energy into YOU and YOUR RELATIONSHIP. Maybe in the bedroom you can role play kinky things with her. Maybe you can step up the sex kinkiness....like toys, bondage, etc. See if you can not get her being horny for YOU again, and not getting horny trying to find other men online.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

another idea...maybe she is just an exhibitionist. Maybe you let her post pictures and videos online, but you have her password, and belong to the same website, so you can monitor who is chatting with her? she can get the exhibitionist thrill without there being a risk of actual physical contact?

Websites like Fet Life come to mind as a good one for you to both have an account on.

i am not up on it, but OnlyFans also seems to be a place that exhibitionists post pictures and videos of a sexual content.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

cowen95 said:


> Hello everyone. I'm not too sure why I am actually doing this but I feel like if I get it off my chest it might actually help. I want to put some things into perspective first because I do feel like the back story could help...My wife has not had the best life, she was abused as a young child and it didn't stop until she was a teenager. She got into a long term relationship with a guy because she was pregnant. After 7 miserable years with him, they finally left each other and she met me.
> We have been together for almost 10 years now, have two small children together and are pretty financially stable. I can admit that I am not an easy person to talk to and I don't show emotion well. Over the past year or so I have been somewhat distant and could have acknowledged her more than what I did. With that being said, here is what happened....
> 
> About 6-8 months ago I overheard her having a conversation with someone and it just didn't seem like it would be someone I knew. It wasn't sexual or anything like that, in fact, it was more about us and our relationship. I wanted to know who it was so I looked at her phone records and noticed that she had been talking to someone multiple times a week for hours on end. All of this was going on while I was at work which made things a little fishy. I finally confronted her about it after I texted him and found out who he was. She said it was someone that she somehow met online and they would just talk on the phone. Mainly about his life, his family and our life. I put a stop to that instantly since it didn't seem appropriate at all.
> ...


Yes, she's cheating.

If she's cheating because of the reasons she claims, fine, but she absolutely needs to get into therapy to deal with those issues. That is a must. She cannot just say she has these issues and promise to never cheat again, but not fix the issues that led to cheating. If she doesn't fix the underlying issues then yes she will cheat again and yes, she will take it further underground.

Keep in mind, her past may explain her current actions but it doesn't excuse them. It also doesn't mean you have to stay with her, especially if she's unwilling to stop cheating, go full disclosure, and get therapy.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

There's no way of her explaining this away, period. 

Brother you should see a lawyer because if she's digging her heels in that it's all ok because this, that, you are seeing your future life with her.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

She will do a better job of hiding it now. She is expending sexual energy with a man that isn’t you. Some people define that as cheating. It’s inappropriate all together and not the kind of action that honest marriage is made of.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

The time and attention she invested in the OM was stolen from you. Experience shows that whatever she needed it never works to go outside the relationship. 

Any relationship she does not want you to know about or communication she keeps secret (even if she 'thinks' it's to avoid you getting angry) is deceitful and inappropriate.

You both should read: Not Just Friends by dr shirley glass.
This will give you both the words and understanding of what just happened so you can discuss it better.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

If the OM is married (something you need to confirm independently of your wife), then you need to inform his wife.
Do not notify your wife first, or she will warn the OM and they will then label and dismiss you as a crazy jealous husband.

Nothing kills an affair like exposure. And the man's wife deserves to know that her husband is stealing time and energy away from the marriage.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Finally, she will not stop unless she believes (really believes) that you will divorce her rather than share her with another man (regardless of whether they met face to face).

You own 50% of marriage issues but she owns 100% of her decision to reach outside of the marriage. She had other options ...


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

cowen95 said:


> My wife has not had the best life, she was abused as a young child and it didn't stop until she was a teenager. She got into a long term relationship with a guy because she was pregnant.


None of these has anything to do with her adultery. Do not offer these as any kind of "excuse" for her behavior. Her behavior is lewd, self-seeking, and adulterous. You should tell her that any future contact with this, or any other man in this matter, will not be tolerated after 5 elapsed seconds from now. She has another 5 seconds in which to choose her marriage and her family, or this POS. Whatever she chooses will be her FOREVER state, beginning 15 seconds from now.



Robert22205 said:


> She had other options ...


Had ? Yes, had. But not after 15 seconds. After that, she has door #1, forever, OR door #2, forever.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> sending nude videos....hard to see that as anything but a sexual encounter with him.
> maybe in her mind, the fact that she has not actually met him, or that he lives far away, makes it "ok for her" to do that.
> 
> She did it for someone to tell her how sexy she looks, so she could masturbate online with him, and have multiple orgasms.
> ...


I didnt read this as anything to do with her being horny or an exhibitionist in anyway, but her wanting attention. Very different things.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Being sexually abused is no excuse for cheating. I know several people who were abused as children, none of them are cheaters.

In your place I would say that if this ever happens again the marriage is over, and mean it. Its hard to know how she finds time to talk to him for hours with small children, what do they do whie she is acting that way? Being ignored I expect.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Abuse victims who are sexualized as a child often are acting out to get attention and some become hypersexual. They begin to think of this as a skill they have or a way to connect. She probably needs to be in therapy if she hasn't already to sort out her abuse. Of course, this is not acceptable or safe!


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

What is it with wives and even married mothers sending nude pics and videos of themselves when so many times these types of pics and videos end up making the rounds of the guys friends or sometimes even ending up on some MILF site. 

yes, your wife was cheating on you. She was sexually cutting you off because she was attaching to this guy. Very likely had virtual sex with OM. The only reason they didn’t meet in person is the distance. But if given enough time, they would have made the effort to meet in person. The price of round trip flights and a couple nights hotel is worth it for most guys for a sure thing of wanton sex.

you better be doubly sure that this is the only guy or that he really is not close. The fact that she was cutting you off, leads me to believe she was emotionally connected to the guy. That usually happens after they’ve given themselves to another.


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## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

> she needs to feel reassured not just by me but by someone else that she is attractive, hot and sexy. She kept going on about that and that she didn't know why she even did it in the first place and she was just trying to get attention.


Oh boy. She needs to be reassured by a man other than her husband that she is hot and sexy.

Sorry man, you're looking at a lot of heartache in the future here.

I think your best bet to hold your marriage together is to get her into intensive individual counselling, for her to understand her personality problems and to learn healthier ways to deal with esteem issues. She doesn't learn better, you're going to be one unhappy husband in the future. I can see you trying to explain time after time to her what she did was wrong, then listening to her excuses again.

You're married to a teenager with you being the angry parent. Sucks.



> if there is one thing she despises, it's cheating.


Wait... what? She can rationalize damn near anything she does.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

cowen95 said:


> We had a huge argument about the whole thing with her explaining things to me as best as she could.


Minimizing, spinning, gaslighting etc

Believe your eyes and her actions, not her words


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

cowen95 said:


> Hello everyone. I'm not too sure why I am actually doing this but I feel like if I get it off my chest it might actually help. I want to put some things into perspective first because I do feel like the back story could help...My wife has not had the best life, she was abused as a young child and it didn't stop until she was a teenager. She got into a long term relationship with a guy because she was pregnant. After 7 miserable years with him, they finally left each other and she met me.
> We have been together for almost 10 years now, have two small children together and are pretty financially stable. I can admit that I am not an easy person to talk to and I don't show emotion well. Over the past year or so I have been somewhat distant and could have acknowledged her more than what I did. With that being said, here is what happened....
> 
> About 6-8 months ago I overheard her having a conversation with someone and it just didn't seem like it would be someone I knew. It wasn't sexual or anything like that, in fact, it was more about us and our relationship. I wanted to know who it was so I looked at her phone records and noticed that she had been talking to someone multiple times a week for hours on end. All of this was going on while I was at work which made things a little fishy. I finally confronted her about it after I texted him and found out who he was. She said it was someone that she somehow met online and they would just talk on the phone. Mainly about his life, his family and our life. I put a stop to that instantly since it didn't seem appropriate at all.
> ...


If she despises cheating, why is she cheating on you?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

She is telling you she needs attention from other people to feel worthwhile. That’s like pouring water in a container with a large hole at the bottom. I’m sorry you are here; but honestly, she is the only person who can fill the hole inside her. And until she confronts that, and realizes her self esteem and worth comes from only her... you are in for a lifetime of heartache.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, she say she despises cheating (which she did), immediately blocks the guy (on snapchat, but probably has his contact in other apps/locations), and then CHANGES HER PW for the phone?
SURE, that's being remorseful (NOT). 


cowen95 said:


> I really want to believe her when she says that she would never do anything with another man because if there is one thing she despises, it's cheating.


But she already HAS done something with another man and it WAS cheating.

I think you really need to shake her up -- see a lawyer, understand what that would mean for you financially, and custody issues, etc.. Once you have YOUR details figured out, tell her that you are considering divorce over this and that you have already worked with a lawyer (you NEED to be ready to follow through though if she calls you on it).


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Very sorry that you find yourself in this position. Yes, it is cheating! To me, her behaviour and actions are totally unacceptable and justify you divorcing her. Why do people do this?

The first question I would ask is whether I want to stay in a marriage where the trust is gone and I have to spy on my wife to find out if she is having an emotional or physical affair? 

If you decide to remain in the marriage, (your decision, not her’s) I would go scorched earth on this one. At the very minimum, I would demand and expect her to come off all social media immediately and I would want all of her passwords. I would tell her she has a choice, him or her marriage. I would back this up with a post nup and have an attorney draw up divorce papers. I would also install VARs, cameras etc to monitor what happens when you go to work.

If she refuses any of the above, well I would tell her to leave. She really needs to get her head out of her arse and recognise a) the damage she is doing, b) just how disrespectful she has been to you, c) how much work she needs to put in to have you stay in the marriage and d) how close she is to being kicked out.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@cowen95 Sadly, she is cheating on you. However, this might only be the tip of the iceberg.

Is she also seeing someone closers for real physical encounters? 

Investigate her. But keep your cards close to your chest.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Yep she is cheating. Changing her passwords on certain apps or devices is a HUGE Red Flag that she is planning to continue and your feelings on the subject DO NOT MATTER!


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

cowen95 said:


> She has issues where she needs to feel reassured not just by me but by someone else that she is attractive, hot and sexy.


I have only one bit of advice I give to other men and to my own sons. NEVER NEVER EVER GET INVOLVED WITH A WOMAN WHO SEEKS VALIDITY FROM MEN. I found this out the hard way and time and time again I see these relationships fail. Your relationship with this woman will fail, it's just a matter of time. Hopefully next time you'll know this advice and be able to pass it along.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So this kind of bs happened to me, except my wife was wanting sex every night and horny as hell. Just as bad , just a different result.

What your wife has done is shared so much emotions and romantic/sexual experiences with this guy that she CUT YOU OFF!!!!!!

My ex immediately left after I told her to, got fake boobs and a gastric sleeve, and found the first wealthy chump she could find and married him. 

I was wrecked by her betrayal with multiple other men online, and likely in person. It crushed me. I still did the only thing I could do, and that’s divorce her—- I didn’t want to. It’s the smartest thing I ever did.

You can stay with your wife. She can swear it’ll never happen again. She will be lying. She has an addiction and just like 99.9 % of other addicts, she will go back to the well and it will go physical.

The biggest problem you have is that your wife actually cut you off, demonstrating that in her mind—- she doesn’t want you romantically anymore. And that’s the main reason I suggest you don’t give her another chance to screw you over. I’d divorce her.
Some will say I’m biased because it happened to me. All I can say is maybe so, but I e been through it and I suggest you think long and hard about what I’ve told you and look to see if you feel that your wife still actually lives you and has romantic feelings for you and isn’t just faking it to keep you from divorcing her.

Good luck,
You’re gonna need it.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Robert22205 said:


> .....And the man's wife deserves to know that her husband is stealing time and energy away from the marriage.


that is a good way to explain it all. 
a lot of people say "our sex life was horrible, that is why i justify what i did".
well, if you put all that energy into the marriage, instead of chasing after taboo things....the marriage likely would have been MUCH healthier and vibrant


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Mybabysgotit said:


> I have only one bit of advice I give to other men and to my own sons. NEVER NEVER EVER GET INVOLVED WITH A WOMAN WHO SEEKS VALIDITY FROM MEN. I found this out the hard way and time and time again I see these relationships fail. Your relationship with this woman will fail, it's just a matter of time. Hopefully next time you'll know this advice and be able to pass it along.


I agree, and the same thing applies to getting involved with men always seeking validation. Seems to lead to a lot of problems. They're constantly feeding their egos.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

As many have said.. You take some blame for fvcking up the marriage but that is ZERO excuse for the sh!t your wife is pulling.. 

I know what Snapchat is but WTF is Snapchat.. WTF does she need Snapchat ? Is she fvcking 16 years old ?.. 
Fvck the password change for Snapchat. Lock the phone down with some sort of parental controls and remove snapchat.. If her excuse is of a 16 year old kid then fvcking treat her like one.. It is clear she can't have a phone without sending some stranger some nude videos of herself. 

Further WTF is with nude videos ? Guess what my wife hot, very fvcking hot.. Not me saying it.. People tell me.. But we don't send nudes to each other.. I mean ANYTHING can happen to a phone.. Why fvck would you risk these photos getting leaked out.. 

I mean she sent them willingly.. He can upload them to youporn if he wants.. I think its 40 dollars per 100 or 1000 views.. Something like that. 

Mind you my wife needs attention as well. I have to deal with her telling me every once in a while who been hitting on her.. When it gets too much I tell her STFU.. 

I get the whole divorce, child support.. ETC.. I do.. I know it will probably put you in a financial bind. 

But that being said.. You have to control this situation.. Find out who this guy is.. Facebook search his number ETC.. as mentioned.. He is probably married or has a GF.. let them know.. Blow him up if you can so he has to deal with some sh!t on his end.

Get rid of Snapchat.. Lock down her phone if you can.. I know it will be a struggle.. 

She needs to know that you are willing to leave her.. 

In the end I told my wife as well. Look if you are an 8 on a scale of 1 to 10.. I found you.. I can find another 8 or 9.. Younger than you with no kids.. My 2 million dollar home and decent income makes up for any weight I might have put on.. I told her I will fvck her friends.. She tries to play it off like they wouldn't.. But I know they would.. 

Is it douchebaggery ? Yea it is.. But sometimes you have to have these types of bullsh!t talks..


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