# can you be together too much?



## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Can being together too much ruin your relationship? YES it can .I'm here to tell you it can...anyone else go through that?


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## jman (Jun 20, 2012)

Yes.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

This is where _The Love Languages_ can play a role. If both partners are "Quality Time" people, then constant togetherness will probably work out well. However, that's not most couples. Constant togetherness with my estranged husband finally drove us apart. We owned a business together--basically together 24/7.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Yes. My H wants us to spend every single second together if we aren't working. I can't even go into another room for awhile without him wondering what I'm doing and acting hurt that I'm choosing not to "be with him". The weekends are the worst. Sometimes I just want to get away for an hour by myself and run to the store...but he insists on coming along too. My therapist says we are a classic case of enmeshment. I call it suffocation.


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## Malcolm38 (Dec 25, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> Yes. My H wants us to spend every single second together if we aren't working. I can't even go into another room for awhile without him wondering what I'm doing and acting hurt that I'm choosing not to "be with him". The weekends are the worst. Sometimes I just want to get away for an hour by myself and run to the store...but he insists on coming along too. My therapist says we are a classic case of enmeshment. I call it suffocation.


Sounds like a nightmare. Not being able to have alone time would be horrible.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Waking up to life said:


> Yes. My H wants us to spend every single second together if we aren't working. I can't even go into another room for awhile without him wondering what I'm doing and acting hurt that I'm choosing not to "be with him". The weekends are the worst. Sometimes I just want to get away for an hour by myself and run to the store...but he insists on coming along too. My therapist says we are a classic case of enmeshment. I call it suffocation.


UGH you poor thing! That would absolutely drive me crazy!

For a few months recently, my H was working from home exclusively. Even though he spent his days in his office I kept wanting to tell him to leave the house PLEASE just for a few hours!


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

[QUOTEI call it suffocation.
][/QUOTE]


YES!!!!!!

But I'm MEAN and dont "love him as much as he loves me"!!!!!

WAHH!!!!


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> UGH you poor thing! That would absolutely drive me crazy!
> 
> For a few months recently, my H was working from home exclusively. Even though he spent his days in his office I kept wanting to tell him to leave the house PLEASE just for a few hours!


My husband is home10 hours a day (waking) after several years and I told him what you were thinking..(outloud)..that got twisted to I need a LOT of "alone time"...He's "bothering me" and I have no "compassion".


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

827Aug said:


> This is where _The Love Languages_ can play a role. If both partners are "Quality Time" people, then constant togetherness will probably work out well. However, that's not most couples. Constant togetherness with my estranged husband finally drove us apart. We owned a business together--basically together 24/7.


Well I wish my husband would understand "most"..he thinks I'm"abnormal"..Oh and we also own a business together..and his #1 need apparrently is physical touch..so a double whammy ..I think of him as a parasite..he thinks of me as a cold unloving rejector..


I can NOT breath..I cant even MOVE...I'm paralyzed..He is like one of those sucker fishes...in the fish tank ...sucking on the glass..eating algea..but I'm the glass....


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

we are together pretty much all the time, unless he is at work. we go out to eat, shop for food, window shop, dress shop, shoe shop, clothes for him, buy movies....

we are together now, he is playing xbox, and im on tam. i visit him at work, sometimes its 5 minutes, sometimes its a few hours...


but, my husbands LL is quality time. so us riding in the car, or on the bus, or walking, wandering around best buy, target, whole foods. my LL is gifts, and i think of every date as a gift to me, so we have combined his quality time and my gifts. also with shoe shopping, ha has a foot fetish, so it works out for me too....and clothes..hes just a pervert, and likes to do naughty things to me when im dressed to leave the house.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Here is a solution that may help get you some alone time:

Chili Cheese Fries, Baked Beans, Sauerkraut, Apple Juice and Pears. 

Your spouse will give you all the time you need.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> e, unless he is at work.


HOW long is that??


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Here is a solution that may help get you some alone time:
> 
> Chili Cheese Fries, Baked Beans, Sauerkraut, Apple Juice and Pears.
> 
> Your spouse will give you all the time you need.




:rofl:


I cant fArt!!!:rofl:


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> :rofl:
> 
> 
> I cant fArt!!!:rofl:


Plan B: Eat some food with a lot of onions and garlic. Wash it down with 2 liters of soda and pop rocks. Belch in his face frequently until he can't take it anymore. Championshiiiip....


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Plan B: Eat some food with a lot of onions and garlic. Wash it down with 2 liters of soda and pop rocks. Belch in his face frequently until he can't take it anymore. Championshiiiip....


EPIC!!!

Dallas, let us know how that turns out!

:rofl:


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

dallasapple said:


> HOW long is that??



I'm thinking you are asking me....he works about 40 hours.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

dallasapple said:


> Can being together too much ruin your relationship? YES it can .I'm here to tell you it can...anyone else go through that?


Depends on the couple, me & mine THRIVE on being together, he works 40 hours a week...I always look forward to him walking through that door... his 2 days off....is always reserved just for "US" .....this does not dampen the *passion* either... We don't need more separation / time apart to UP our getting along, Lust or enjoyment of each other.



> *827Aug said*: This is where The Love Languages can play a role. If both partners are "Quality Time" people, then constant togetherness will probably work out well.












*TIME* and *TOUCH* are at the TOP of both of our Love Languages... so this works nicely for us.. he has told me if he had a "Cave"... he'd want me in it. Loved that.. so sweet.

And I can honestly say he is the ONLY person that I could spend every waking moment with - and he doesn't get on my nerves...I want him near, we even have our computer time in the same room many times...feet away from each other....

When near our hands are all over each other...







This fulfills me. If I ever lost my husband (God forbid)... I joke with him it'd probably take another 5 men to fulfill me -he has spoiled me rotten. I would weed them out on this Love Language thing....I know what rocks my world.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Mavash. said:


> SA her husband is home 10 hours a day. Makes a huge difference to those who need alone time. I get mine when my husband is at work too.


Mine is home from 3:15 pm till we go to Bed.. but we do things with our kids/ some projects going on...it breaks it up.... If we take a drive, he likes me to go with him (not that I always do)... we've walked to the Mail box together even... if he works on something in the garage, if I am not busy, he likes my company..sometimes I'll bring a book with me... 



> *Waking up to life said*: My H wants us to spend every single second together if we aren't working. I can't even go into another room for awhile without him wondering what I'm doing and acting hurt that I'm choosing not to "be with him".


 I can't say we've ever felt like this....even when I was too into the kids/ running off to different Jobs when he hit the door....he never showed any outward hurt or a word of complaining...other than telling me he wanted to hold me more at night... I think he needed to complain a little more though instead of stuffing it. 

It would hurt me if I felt my husband didn't want me around..and as I have learned, it hurt him inside that I didn't care as much - to be near him the way I am NOW.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder"

I love my wife, but can't imagine being together 24/7. Nor, her. I think it would kill our relationship...

We spend a lot of time together when we're not working, but do enjoy our alone time too.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Quality time is high on my meter, and the lowest on his... 

But even I need space! I like to come to him with my solo adventures and he likes to hear about them. I don't think he would find me as attractive if I needed to be attached at the hip, and even though it's my primary love language I do have balance. He would get on my nerves if he was up under me all the time. lol


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

His Needs Her Needs says to make your husband/wife your favorite RECREATIONAL partner Love Languages says "Quality Time". You can be together 24/7 and "be together" but what does that mean? Nothing. Usually it means getting upset at my hubby on the computer while I'm doing dishes. We alot of time together. But it isn't quality time. In fact we haven't ever been on a vacation.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Fledgling said:


> His Needs Her Needs says to make your husband/wife your favorite RECREATIONAL partner Love Languages says "Quality Time". You can be together 24/7 and "be together" but what does that mean? Nothing. Usually it means getting upset at my hubby on the computer while I'm doing dishes. We alot of time together. But it isn't quality time. In fact we haven't ever been on a vacation.


Exactly..actually too much "sheer" time together can wipe out or prevent ...good time together...


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> SA her husband is home 10 hours a day. Makes a huge difference to those who need alone time. I get mine when my husband is at work too.


Thank you .But correction 10 WAKING hours a day,,,another 9 or 10 sleeping..So pretty much "together" 20 hours a day 7 days a week AND FOR now 12 years...(starting in our 30's not retirement age)....There is no "40 hours a week" separation + travel ...


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So what I'm getting from your post is a sense that your husband does not respect your need for space. He sees your desire to have some me-time as not loving him. In other words, his way is "right" and your's is "wrong." 

I admire your ability to tolerate it. I would have gone postal by now. 

I assume you occasionally go out to get some space, and he guilt trips you for doing so. What would happen if you just acknowledged you love him, but you need some time to yourself? After all, he owns his reactions. What is the worst case scenario? Would he go into silent treatment mode or scream mode, or ??? .....


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> So what I'm getting from your post is a sense that your husband does not respect your need for space. He sees your desire to have some me-time as not loving him. In other words, his way is "right" and your's is "wrong."


That is a bingo..But more the second part.I'm not only "wrong" its if I loved him "enough" or as much as he loves me I wouldnt feel the way I do.And even if I felt that way I was "mean" for telling him that.Not only that he distorts what I have at length tried to tell him including I'm not out of "range of norm" for someone who loves there spouse but will feel "suffocated" and start to get on each others nerves A LOT for feeling that way ...He terms that "he does his best to be gone as often as possible and tries to stay out of my way as "per my request".

I have also pointed out to him..no matter WHAT he says I KNOW I get on his nerves too..based on some of the things he complains about (nit picking at me) and that does NOT "hurt my feelings" the nit picking does and further gets on my nerves..but the fact I AM getting on his nerves I see as "normal" for being around each other so much.He thinks hes "superior" because all be it maybe sometimes I do get on his nerves ( and specifically because we ARE together to much) he "still wants to be around me" and would "never tell me he wants to get away from me".

He has attempted to "stay out of my way" but that amounts to not talking to me at all when here ..things like not saying bye or where he is going when he leaves..(IOW silent treatment) and resenting me that I even need that by the way he terms it.(which is a complete misharacterization of what I said and telling me I'm "brutally honest").

When I try to even say "other couples" and like even here many have said yeah sure you can be together too much ..He finds one example of a couple who are never separated together all day everyday even for work and do everything together(socially).Which in a way is telling me how he would actually prefer things.

Its like Im his ENTIRE world ..not just his top priority sort of thing.When I NEED to be in another "world"..to him that is "my love for him is inferior to his love for me.

For me..being together too much affects the quality of time we spend together..Its like wearing a wool sweater to the sunny beach so instead of enjoying the water and sand all you can think is I'm hot..I can breath in this sweater ..I would do anything to be able to just get out of this sweater....

And no he doesn't actually "pout" if I go to run an errand or go get my hair cut or what have you .But ironically like a twist...he does most the errands including shopping(groceries) because a) he likes to keep busy and b) that is part of how he "tries to be gone as much as he can".And "stay out of my way".

Anyway this is mostly a vent..cuz YES I tolerate it ..but every now and again I split at the seams especially when we get in an argument and I mention this is an issue (again) he reminds me that he totally has a skewed view of what I have tried to communicate.

So I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall....WHILE running around in a hamster wheel ....So it feels good to temporarily and every now and again ..HEAR others say "yep that would drive me nuts too"..Or tell me that nothing is wrong with me..even though I know that..sometimes I wonder..then I imagine the guilt like if he died ...But see its not or souldn't be "all or nothing"...I'm thinking "healthy balance".

ARGHHH!! 

Thanks for listening with compassion ya'll ..


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