# new and not knowing what to do



## thelword (Aug 11, 2010)

so me and my husband have been married almost 7 yrs. he is a great guy and we have always bumped heads but talked it out. we are really good at talking and working thru things but lately i feel like i am talking to a wall. he says he will try to do the things i need him to do but then he doesn't. so what started this well i will tell you. i think its cause i had surgery and have lost all this weight. i look good with clothes on sure but i wouldn't want to be naked in front of anyone eles but him. i have told him over and over that just cause i have lost weight does not mean i am going to leave him or cheat on him. he loved me fat he loved me pregnant and hormonal he loved me during my depression and thru all my selfishness i use to do. but now i am so much better after counseling and meds i am a new person. i told my self that losing this weight wouldn't make me change but i think it has. not change for the bad but just grow as a person. all the girls are starting school this year so i am planning on going back to school as well. i cant wait to start this journey in my life but feel dragged down by him. he calls all the time if i don't answer he calls others to find me. he txt all day if i don't respond he gives me a guilt trip. he goes thru my phone to see who i talk to and is always looking over my shoulder. he said he would stop after i told him i would possibly leave if he didn't. yes he has lightened up a lil but i still feel so smothered. i don't know what else to do. i feel like we are growing apart.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

He is insecure because he senses that you are leaving him. Heck, you admit here that you are growing apart. That means you are ARE growing away from him, he's not done the same.

This push and pull is not good for your marriage.

If what you want is someone to tell you to leave him because he loves you too much, that person would not be me.

If you truly love your husband you'll deal with this head on. first, by being truthful to yourself about your feelings. So you have lost some weight, good for you. But does this now mean you want to try out what's out there now that you like your shape?

Are you looking to trade up?

If not, refocus back towards your husband and stop playing the phone game with him.


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## thelword (Aug 11, 2010)

i cant imagen being with anyone but him. we play the "phone game" because he travels for work. im at home taking care of the kids. there is this push and pull thing but i am not totally sure why. i do feel we are growing apart but not because there is someone eles out there. i dont even leave the house to hang with friends they have to come to most of the time or we go on play dates a few times a month. i just feel like there is nothing i can do to let him know that i am not going no where. its been almost a year and he still looks over my shoulder. he knows if he keeps doing this i will leave but god knows i dont want to. i just cant get him to hear me.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

you two need marriage counseling to restore trust.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

More like he needs counseling to deal with his insecurities.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> More like he needs counseling to deal with his insecurities.


^this


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

He's jealous. You lost weight, now you are in school to better yourself. This has happened to so many women. You have done nothing wrong, it's the "green eyed monster" that has surfaced.


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## stalemate (May 13, 2010)

I'm sure he senses the changes in you and he is afraid of losing you. It was easy for him to be complacent when you were heavier because he didn't think he had any competition. Now the game has changed and he knows that he hasn't stepped up to the plate. 

Even if you haven't given him any reason to mistrust you he is probably feeling really insecure about his place in your new life. You can reassure him that you still love him but he will have to work on his jealousy himself.

I know losing weight is hard work and I applaud :yay: you for keeping at it. Best of luck with your return to school and don't give up just because he isn't handling the changes as well as he could.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

For one thing, tell him you will stop answering all his phone calls. You will talk to him once an hour (or whatever), but no more than that. Start setting healthy boundaries and let him KNOW what they are. Then live the life you need to live (while staying married); he will come around. The first 5 or 10 years of marriage, my husband kept trying to get me to prove myself, and it just made me pull away. Because I didn't stand up for myself.


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