# 4 yrs marriage



## dieanotherday (Feb 28, 2012)

not happy, really want to talk to someone about marriage, but there is nobody actually to speak to. he problems we keep away from friends or parents for a long time. But it keeps bothering us. English is not even my first language, not sure how to cope with a consoling adviser.
I read some posts in this forum and i feel so true on me. that 4 yrs into marriage, we are like roommates, and we have less and less in common. The harmony is so fragile, that tiny small things can trigger a fight...but we don't argue, we silence. I do all i can to be man-up to be generous, but she really wants to WIN. I don't know why. I feel depleted by her negative energy. I used to make lots of friends before i met her. but now my circle has shrank to a handful. she disencourages me doing nothing. I get no support in anything i'm doing and her comments make me feel a loser. 
we are about 30 yrs old but she has zero interest in sex what so ever. 
Is it the life i want? she complains about hurting her feelings, but it never occurs to her that I have feelings too..
I'm sorry i'm dumping all non-sense here..i'm very depressed, can not focus on work, and hopeless...I laugh a lot around ppl, but deep inside, i'm lonely, just want to cry and go to another world.


----------



## thomasmoore (Feb 27, 2012)

i can totaly feel your pain here. i have just posted in another section almost the same thing. i am the same way. be 4 years of marriage in may...and i dont know what else there is and i want to get out.


----------



## AMD (Feb 28, 2012)

I was actually just like your wife a long time ago. And wow do I regret it.... Because my husband is an amazing person who does not deserve that. But it was too late.. Have you considered counseling?


----------



## dieanotherday (Feb 28, 2012)

AMD said:


> I was actually just like your wife a long time ago. And wow do I regret it.... Because my husband is an amazing person who does not deserve that. But it was too late.. Have you considered counseling?


we have never done counseling, and i don't know what we can benefit from there...i'm no good in her eyes in anything i do...bring in a third person i'm not sure how it's gonna work...


----------



## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Maybe try some marriage self-help books and see if she can start to see some of her flaws and your positives. There's a thread in the General Discussion that has a list of some of the good marriage books.

All marriages have their ups/downs and I think the roommate feeling is common in most marriages every once in a while, it takes work to get out of that rut.


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

dianotherday, I'm sorry you're going through this. 

Are you both from the same culture? Is your first language the same as hers? 

What's your background if you don't mind answering.

Just trying to get a better understanding of where you can even start.


----------



## dieanotherday (Feb 28, 2012)

We have the same cultural background. But immigrating to North America has put lots of stress to our life. The recession, the re-education, employment, and huge uncertainty in the future make us feel lost in the society which is all new to us. when i think about all this, the frustration is contributing to the tension between us as well.

We talked yesterday, but i don't think it's helping much. We simply dig into the past of everything we are unhappy about. We discover difference between us, rather than common grounds. The foundation is shaking and despite our mutual willingness to fix things, we are doing more damage rather than fixing. She hate counseling, but i think we need help. otherwise both of us will end up in a mental hospital. I'm mentally and physically drained. I went to sleep at 8pm as I was so tired. I think we might live on like nothing is happening, but all the problems will come back biting us for sure in the future. Her accusation of me being selfish and won't want a child with me basically broke my heart. I swear I won't never give all i have to care for others any more. I always leave the best to her, and less for myself. I lied saying I don't like sweet stuff to save the swiss cholocat to her. Anything I make, i make it two. In the end, nothing is appreciated. I am not good at memorizing all the good of me, nor any bad of her, i feel like a a child talking about the detail small things we do good or bad to each other, but i can not believe it's happening. Marriage degrades ourselves? or we are just mean ppl in the first place?


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

DieAnotherDay, welcome to the TAM forum. I suggest you read two online articles to see if they accurately describe your W. The first is Borderline Personality - The Quiet Acting In Borderline and The Silent Treatment - Nons - Borderline Personality Disorder Inside Out. 

The second is BORDERLINE WAIFS AND UNSUNG HEROES; Rescuing The Woman Who Doesn't Want To Be Saved.. If those two articles ring a bell, I would be glad to discuss them with you and point you to other good online resources. Take care, DieAnotherDay.


----------

