# Down Sides of Dating You



## Lila

There's a perks thread so this is the red flags one. What's the down side of dating you?


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## Ikaika

Have both an intensity and laid back personality, at times it can be caustic. Just admitting who I am. 


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## Andy1001

Lila said:


> There's a perks thread so this is the red flags one. What's the down side of dating you?


I hardly ever get tired and I only need a couple of hours sleep every night. 
So unless we’re having sex I won’t be spending much time in bed with you.


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## Lila

Since I started the thread, I'll start. I have zero patience with everything but with dating especially. I don't have patience to let things develop. If it's not there at the get go, I move on.


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## Girl_power

I have very black and white thinking. And I have been told that I am judgemental.


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## GTdad

I'm married? And literally have eight kids?


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## Lila

GTdad said:


> I'm married? And literally have eight kids?


EIGHT kids?!?!!

Dang @GTdad. Did you just look at your wife with intention and she got pregnant?lol


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## Affaircare

Well I am married, but was single not too very long ago. One downside to dating me is that I am a very blunt person. Now, that can be a two-edged sword! On one hand, you never wonder where you stand with me or what I want cuz I don't play games...on the other hand, I will say exactly what is on my mind. So there's that. 

I'm also a bit impatient, but more like my Taurus sign than like a kid. I am easy-going and not too much bothers me, but when it does bother me, I am BOTHERED. Like... I'm patient, I'm patient, I'm patient, you are starting to bug me, that bugs me, GOOD GOD I AM SO DONE! 

I'm not rich. I am not in debt and I don't spend beyond my means, but if you are looking for a sugar momma, it's not me. 

I'm not a rare beauty. I truly think of myself as a hobbit, in that hobbits are not ugly and are home-loving, family-loving, food-loving, curvy folks, and boy that's me! I don't look good in a ball gown and heels and I don't wear makeup--then again I can be ready and out the door in 15 minutes. 

I have some insecurities and PTSD that I struggle with internally. Now, I try to be aware that those are mine to wrestle and keep the responsibility on me, but by the same token, @Emerging Buddhist is a saint for being so patient with telling me for the gazillionth time that YEP, he does love me. I am not sure if he can tell when my PTSD is triggered, but I suspect he can because he's pretty aware. 

I've been married twice, and cheated once. Now, I can't do anything about either one of marriages: one ended when exH cheated on me, and one ended in death. Still lots of folks would cross me right off the list just from 2 marriages. I also was unfaithful once, and again although I firmly believe I learned and grew from it, lots of folks wouldn't even look at me because of that past.


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## notmyjamie

I'm a redhead and I fit the stereotype very well...you don't want to see me angry. Sometimes going out sounds wonderful at 11am when you ask but by 8pm after my job and kids have sucked the life out of me I just want my pajamas and a cup of tea with a good tv show/movie. I do go, but I've lost a lot of my enthusiasm for it. I don't trust easily...it takes time, a lot of time for me to open up emotionally.


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## Lila

Oh man, thinking about this has brought up so many of my red flags. On top of being impatient I am a planner (a.k.a. not very spontaneous) with how I spend my time. 

My friends jokingly ask me to do things last minute only to immediately respond with a head slap emoji and "what was I thinking". 

First thing do every morning is open my calendar on my phone and scroll through my appointments, conference calls, and other scheduled things. I like stability. Last minute changes stress me out.


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## Faithful Wife

You guys are awesome. Very honest and vulnerable.

If you were around at the time, you may recall that I never did say exactly what was up with my ex-h and why we ended up divorced. That was because I just could not bring myself to say anything bad about him here. It didn't seem fair to him. And I loved him so much regardless of those issues, that I just couldn't hurt him like that (by telling strangers personal details about him which would not have been flattering).

But I also can't bring myself to say negative things about the dude I just broke it off with. It just feels wrong, even though I have no reason to "protect" him. And I know everyone here would support me and tell me it was time for him to go if I did say it. But it just feels wrong to say it.

And when it comes to my own down sides...I fear you would all judge me and I can't bear the thought of it! Ha ha! I also feel this isn't quite anonymous for me here, as I have actually met people from TAM and hope to meet more. I have shared some things via PM that I haven't on the board though, so at least there is that.

Some part of me is always afraid that someone I know in person will find me here, and even though I share all kinds of sex stuff, that doesn't bother me at all. But sharing this kind of stuff about myself or about anyone I'm dating...I just can't seem to do it.

But I'll always be here to rah rah all the good stuff. :laugh:


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## uhtred

I'm super easy-going about almost everything, but very rigid on a few things - like a ball of cotton with a razor blade in it.


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## Marduk

I have the attention span of a ferret on speed. 

But when someone has my attention, I’m told it’s intimidating. 

I bore very easily and am very high maintenance. 

I love to stir the pot and push buttons. I will often argue a contrarian position just because. 

I’m essentially a smart five year old with a high sex drive. 

One of my best female friends once said to me while I was single “you know, with a little Ritalin and a dominatrix, you’d be a perfect man.”


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## ConanHub

I'm a serious research nerd and I can start rambling about nonsense that I find fascinating.:grin2:


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## notmyjamie

ConanHub said:


> I'm a serious research nerd and I can start rambling about nonsense that I find fascinating.:grin2:


That can be a good thing if what you're interested in is a good topic. The life cycle of the fruit fly might not interest me but if you were studying something cool like a period in history, I'd love it.


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## jorgegene

i'm married, but when i was single;

1. i'm not tall and many women like tall. 
2. i hate and don't want to do rough sex. i've heard some women like rough sex. forget it. i can only do 'love making'. that's all i know (and want to know).
3. money's not my thing. never was. achievement, yes. money, no.


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## ConanHub

notmyjamie said:


> That can be a good thing if what you're interested in is a good topic. The life cycle of the fruit fly might not interest me but if you were studying something cool like a period in history, I'd love it.


I'm actually addicted to research.

I have a hard time not thoroughly researching anything I don't know about.

If asked a question I don't know, in 10 minutes I will know more than 9 out of 10 normal people should.


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## Affaircare

Okay @ConanHub: "Lipstick Lesbian" GO!!


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## ConanHub

Affaircare said:


> Okay @ConanHub: "Lipstick Lesbian" GO!!


Rushed for time but lesbians I approve of and understand.:smile2:


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## Andy1001

Affaircare said:


> Okay @ConanHub: "Lipstick Lesbian" GO!!


You should have asked me!
I lived with two lesbians for years and one of them is my best friend. 
The stories I could have told you......
But now I’m sulking because you asked Conan first. 
So I’m saying nothing!


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## SunCMars

Lila said:


> There's a perks thread so this is the red flags one. What's the down side of dating *you*?


Who am I, who are we?

The upside is dating many beings at the same time, the downside is which one of us are you really kissing.


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## Laurentium

Downsides of dating me

I don't have much free time - let's meet up once a week?
I don't have much spare money
I like familiar places. If I like a restaurant, or a holiday destination, I'll always want to go back there every time. (On the other hand, this makes me a natural monogamist). 
I am essentially serious. I find "fun" kind of boring.


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## Marduk

ConanHub said:


> I'm actually addicted to research.
> 
> I have a hard time not thoroughly researching anything I don't know about.
> 
> If asked a question I don't know, in 10 minutes I will know more than 9 out of 10 normal people should.


I spent all my free time for two weeks researching the Voynich manuscript a few months ago. Drove my wife crazy. 

I get fixated on something I’m passionate about. Could be Gödel’s incompleteness theorem, Joy Division, Tom Baker Doctor Who, Feynman lectures, the Meiji restoration, all kinds of things. Always have a side passion project!


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## Marduk

Affaircare said:


> Okay @ConanHub: "Lipstick Lesbian" GO!!


I once almost got into a fist fight with a lipstick lesbian’s butch girlfriend. 

Honestly, I didn’t know they were together. And she hit on me first! I even offered a threesome to try to make things better. 

In retrospect, that last bit was probably a bad idea.


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## Ikaika

Not so much a dating thing but an example of intensity.

I remember when my son told me he wanted to play football (age 10). Firstly I told him he could only play flag football until he was older, 13. He came of age and wanted to move on to tackle football. I got intense, told him he had to get stronger, faster, gain more endurance and get better at his skilled position. I took him to the park, put a backpack filled with sandbags and ran him through coordination and endurance drills, speed drills (he threw up his first day). I asked him you want to quit? He said no. Next drill, his back facing me I drilled the ball at him and yelled out “ball”. He was expected to turn around (quickly) and catch it. If he did not it would hit him and probably be painful. I asked again, “you want to quit?” He said no. We did this for a whole month before signing up. Intense? Kind of, but that is who I am. I am either all in or not at all. 

Fast forward: my son just finished his senior year of football and lead their team in receiving & running yards and TDs. He was a starter since his sophomore year and a co-captain this year. He has several college offers. Although he is not interested in taking it to the pros, he does want to eventually work in sports management for a living. I think he too is a bit intense. I wonder if I did him a disservice in his future relationships. 


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## Personal

I can be unyielding, impatient, intolerant and unforgiving.


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## Affaircare

Marduk said:


> I once almost got into a fist fight with a lipstick lesbian’s butch girlfriend.
> 
> Honestly, I didn’t know they were together. And she hit on me first! I even offered a threesome to try to make things better.
> 
> In retrospect, that last bit was probably a bad idea.


> > >


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## Married but Happy

You'd either have to be open to a non-exclusive casual dating scenario, possibly FWB, or willing to consider a polyamorous relationship (potentially long-term), because I'm not presently interested in monogamous relationships. Even with those major constraints, I still find some good prospects.


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## ReformedHubby

notmyjamie said:


> I'm a redhead and I fit the stereotype very well...you don't want to see me angry. Sometimes going out sounds wonderful at 11am when you ask but by 8pm after my job and kids have sucked the life out of me I just want my pajamas and a cup of tea with a good tv show/movie. I do go, but I've lost a lot of my enthusiasm for it. I don't trust easily...it takes time, a lot of time for me to open up emotionally.


I hope you don't offend easily, but I am dating a red headed nurse right now, and I must say, she also fits the stereotype. But I am so laid back and easy going her anger is almost never directed at me. I just go to other room when I hear her on the phone verbally assaulting her ex-husband. Really glad he takes the beating instead of me LoL But yes....when she is angry its like being in the middle of a storm. But...often in the midst of that storm....she often ends up smiling or laughing at me in the middle of it, because she realizes she is over reacting, and then its like it never happened. I do wonder if it would be different if we became a blended family one day, but thats a long ways down the road if ever.


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## Deejo

When you come to the realization and have to acknowledge that I do in fact, know everything.


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## arbitrator

Lila said:


> There's a perks thread so this is the red flags one. What's the down side of dating you?


*If I'm seeing a lady for the first time and I'm not really into her after seeing that she's basically the same way about me, and I subsequently detach, I can be a real a$$ in that I simply can't wait for the date to end!*


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## notmyjamie

ReformedHubby said:


> I hope you don't offend easily, but I am dating a red headed nurse right now, and I must say, she also fits the stereotype. But I am so laid back and easy going her anger is almost never directed at me. I just go to other room when I hear her on the phone verbally assaulting her ex-husband. Really glad he takes the beating instead of me LoL But yes....when she is angry its like being in the middle of a storm. But...often in the midst of that storm....she often ends up smiling or laughing at me in the middle of it, because she realizes she is over reacting, and then its like it never happened. I do wonder if it would be different if we became a blended family one day, but thats a long ways down the road if ever.


I am not easily offended and I’m the one who said it about myself so no worries there. When I’m angry it’s not pretty but it takes A LOT to get me there. I do vent about my frustrations a lot though. So if something at work really upset me, as my partner, you’re going to hear about it and then I can move on. I try hard never to take my frustrations or anger out on the wrong person. I’ll ***** to you about it but I’m not angry at you but some people have trouble seeing the difference. 

When I am angry at you though...you’ll know and won’t be pretty for you. But, like I said, it takes a lot. My boyfriend has never seen that side of me. He keeps saying how laid back I am LOL. Even my STBX has only seen it three times in 25 years. But, if you mess with my kids it will come out. A teacher once told my daughter she had to take an F on a test that she missed while in the hospital and tried to tell me the same multiple times. It did not go well for her when I spoke to the principal. Same for the nurse who sent my kid, with a known cardiac condition back to class with an ice pack for her chest pain. 20 minutes later she was in an ambulance. Those are the kinds of things that get me going. But once I get going...watch out!! :grin2:


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## Not

If you contact me on a dating site and ask for my phone number on Monday and by Wednesday have done nothing but text me I'm going to be so bored and frustrated with you by Thursday that by the time we meet Friday you've already lost points. I hate small talk and would rather meet on the first day than text for a week. I have no patience.

If you aren't into grooming yourself and hygiene, you've lost me but if you look like you take longer to get ready than I do you've lost me. I can be very particular/picky in that way.

Re: the redhead theme. My mom is a redhead and I definitely carry the genes. It takes a lot to get me there but if you do get me there it'll be explosive and I go for the jugular. Just recently I cussed a disrespectful teenaged boy my daughter had over all the way to and straight out my front door, he won't be coming back. Otherwise, I'm as sweet as pie lol! 

I have a major intolerance for intolerance of the political/religious/racial kind. Live and let live or I dump your butt lol!


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## Wolf1974

Due to past trauma I don’t trust easily, or back down from a fight. I assume everything is temporary as that’s been my experience. As you can imagine someone I’m dating what’s to go to a concert a month from now and my response until the day before is “we will see“. I can have a very my way or the highway attitude because for so long I never had anything for myself. 

I think overall I was a blast to date and a nightmare to have a relationship with. took finally finding a good woman to get past my self defense mechanism. Once she got past my guard I was all in.


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## iaschneider5

Well besides the fact that Im still hoping to get back with my wife who left 2 months ago and im a mess internally because of that and many other thing going on in my life... I dont make alot of money and 90 percent of the time I have my 3 kids with me so I have no free time... Unlike my wife. 

I have trouble trusting people for sure due to many factors. I sometimes say things I dont mean or they come out wrong. Ive been told its due to my head injury and might get better eventually. I'm also very forgetful. 

Due to my situation and life at the moment I tend to just have a bad attitude and am having hard time dealing with it and trying to fix it.


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## Cooper

I always say I'm a great person to have in your life but I'm a terrible person to date! 

I'm the world's laziest dater, I put very little effort into planning typical date things. I would rather go to your house and install a sump pump than go to a winery, or have you help paint my hall way than spend the evening in a fancy resturant. 

Ahh...sitting on the floor eating a pizza while covered with paint spatter, now that's romantic!!


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## Adelais

I have a difficult time saying my faults out loud. I know them, and there are many, but I fear that if I say them out loud, it will be used against me.


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## 3Xnocharm

iaschneider5 said:


> Well besides the fact that Im still hoping to get back with my wife who left 2 months ago and im a mess internally because of that and many other thing going on in my life...


You deserve much better than that POS who left you. Just sayin. You should want better for yourself.


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## Spicy

I am massively a morning person, and wake up totally happy. So anyone who likes to sleep in with their SO or is a grump in the morning would not enjoy that part of me.


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## Marduk

Spicy said:


> I am massively a morning person, and wake up totally happy. So anyone who likes to sleep in with their SO or is a grump in the morning would not enjoy that part of me.


That would annoy the **** out of me.


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## FeministInPink

Marduk said:


> That would annoy the **** out of me.


Me, too. I am NOT a morning person. And one of my favorite things about a relationship is getting to wake up with my partner.

That being said, when I'm in a relationship, I actually tend to get up earlier... because I can't wait to wake up and see my guy 

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Marduk

FeministInPink said:


> Me, too. I am NOT a morning person. And one of my favorite things about a relationship is getting to wake up with my partner.
> 
> That being said, when I'm in a relationship, I actually tend to get up earlier... because I can't wait to wake up and see my guy
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


It took a long time for my wife to understand that I don’t really want to talk or acknowledge her (or anyone’s) existence until I have my first cup of coffee in my hand.


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## iaschneider5

3Xnocharm said:


> You deserve much better than that POS who left you. Just sayin. You should want better for yourself.



Thank you. Im trying to tell myself that but its hard. I dont think she is a bad person just not very good at relationships maybe idk. To her credit she did take my call today and did try to make me feel better about some **** happening now that is absolutely ridiculous.


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## Faithful Wife

Cooper said:


> I always say I'm a great person to have in your life but I'm a terrible person to date!
> 
> I'm the world's laziest dater, I put very little effort into planning typical date things. I would rather go to your house and install a sump pump than go to a winery, *or have you help paint my hall way than spend the evening in a fancy resturant.
> 
> Ahh...sitting on the floor eating a pizza while covered with paint spatter, now that's romantic!*


Painting together was romantic to me at one time, but my exh ruined that for me forever.

He was a tyrant about home improvement projects, and ended up using all the goodwill I had for doing that for someone else for the rest of my life. I have no problem painting my own place/stuff. But "help" anyone else on their stuff, never again in my life, especially not a romantic partner.

OTOH, I also don't need to go to a winery or a fancy restaurant. Grill steaks at home and pop Netflix on, cuddle on the couch, and I'm good.


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## meson

Spicy said:


> I am massively a morning person, and wake up totally happy. So anyone who likes to sleep in with their SO or is a grump in the morning would not enjoy that part of me.


I am totally a morning person as well. Going out to watch the sunrise does not seem to go down well with many people but it's one of the things that feeds my soul. My wife is not a morning person but we've made it work somehow. I can party to 2am when need be and have fun and she can get up at 4am without being a grumpus. And we've learned when to broach difficult topics or rather when not to broach them too early or too late.


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## notmyjamie

Faithful Wife said:


> OTOH, I also don't need to go to a winery or a fancy restaurant. Grill steaks at home and pop Netflix on, cuddle on the couch, and I'm good.


That sounds like a perfect evening to me!!!!


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## Mr.Married

The down side of myself is that I work on the other side of the earth for 51% of the year. Most woman would have a very difficult time with that. I am gone from my home 30 days at a time.

Otherwise I am like @Girl_power in that I have Black/White thinking.


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## ConanHub

notmyjamie said:


> I am not easily offended and I’m the one who said it about myself so no worries there. When I’m angry it’s not pretty but it takes A LOT to get me there. I do vent about my frustrations a lot though. So if something at work really upset me, as my partner, you’re going to hear about it and then I can move on. I try hard never to take my frustrations or anger out on the wrong person. I’ll ***** to you about it but I’m not angry at you but some people have trouble seeing the difference.
> 
> When I am angry at you though...you’ll know and won’t be pretty for you. But, like I said, it takes a lot. My boyfriend has never seen that side of me. He keeps saying how laid back I am LOL. Even my STBX has only seen it three times in 25 years. But, if you mess with my kids it will come out. A teacher once told my daughter she had to take an F on a test that she missed while in the hospital and tried to tell me the same multiple times. It did not go well for her when I spoke to the principal. Same for the nurse who sent my kid, with a known cardiac condition back to class with an ice pack for her chest pain. 20 minutes later she was in an ambulance. Those are the kinds of things that get me going. But once I get going...watch out!! :grin2:


Ooh! I like you!:grin2:


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## heartsbeating

Alright, I asked Batman this question. 

His answer was that I ask him questions that feel unnatural, from the internet...


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## heartsbeating

Cooper said:


> Ahh...sitting on the floor eating a pizza while covered with paint spatter, now that's romantic!!


That does sound romantic... although I know in our dynamic, painting together has smatterings of enjoyment, listening to a podcast or music together and conversation, sure stopping for pizza, but our painting moments typically have tension/arguments involved!


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## TomNebraska

Down sides of dating me... from what I've been told:



I'm difficult to "read" emotionally
I'm difficult to "judge" or not easy to "label" 
I have a young kid, and will not put a potential girlfriend ahead of my time with her
I'm (maybe) too individualistic; don't like pop music, pop movies, pop art, etc. so don't have a lot in common with the typical person my age


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## FalCod

My assumption is that it's my appearance. I'm short and small. I'm reasonably fit, well groomed, and generally dress well, but I'm definitely shorter than most women would like. In fact, most of the women I dated were my height or taller. I think it was a deal breaker for some women I was interested in. It never seemed to bother my wife.

I think that most women want "strong" or "powerful" men. For many, that translates into wanting tall or large or muscular men. That was never me. Fortunately, my wife doesn't seem to find that important.


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## FalCod

Just remembered the other big downside. I was a cheap date. It seemed like most of my friends spent (in today's dollars) anywhere from $25 to $100 on a date. I was poor and then frugal and my dates were more in the $0 to $20 range. I had little choice when I was in college because I just didn't have enough spare cash. 

After college, I realized that it was a useful filtering tool. I watched one of those high spending friends attract what he thought was a great catch (based solely on her appearance) only to have her bleed him dry and leave him deep in debt before dumping him. By not spending much on dates, I only attracted women that weren't big spenders. 

My dates were fun (at least from my perspective). I took ladies out for hikes, to museums, to the beach, to play Frisbee, to go biking, and out for picnics. We did stuff that I thought was enjoyable, that I thought she would think was enjoyable, and that gave us lots of time to interact. I always hated movies as a date because you didn't get to interact.

It might not have been the best approach to getting lots of dates, but it worked out great in the end.


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## FeministInPink

FalCod said:


> Just remembered the other big downside. I was a cheap date. It seemed like most of my friends spent (in today's dollars) anywhere from $25 to $100 on a date. I was poor and then frugal and my dates were more in the $0 to $20 range. I had little choice when I was in college because I just didn't have enough spare cash.
> 
> 
> 
> After college, I realized that it was a useful filtering tool. I watched one of those high spending friends attract what he thought was a great catch (based solely on her appearance) only to have her bleed him dry and leave him deep in debt before dumping him. By not spending much on dates, I only attracted women that weren't big spenders.
> 
> 
> 
> My dates were fun (at least from my perspective). I took ladies out for hikes, to museums, to the beach, to play Frisbee, to go biking, and out for picnics. We did stuff that I thought was enjoyable, that I thought she would think was enjoyable, and that gave us lots of time to interact. I always hated movies as a date because you didn't get to interact.
> 
> 
> 
> It might not have been the best approach to getting lots of dates, but it worked out great in the end.


See, to me these sound like much more interesting date ideas than going out to dinner. And movies are generally lame for a date because you can't engage with the other person. (If I'm in a relationship, a movie date is nice, because if you go to a theater with the big cushy seats, you can snuggle when you watch the movie. And you may have been talking about it in the days or weeks leading up to seeing the movie, which builds a shared anticipation, all of which makes it more of a couple's activity.)

If I had been one of the young ladies dating you, @FalCod , I would have thought that you had a lot more going on upstairs than other guys, if you were able to come up with cool alternative date ideas like this.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## FalCod

FeministInPink said:


> See, to me these sound like much more interesting date ideas than going out to dinner. And movies are generally lame for a date because you can't engage with the other person. (If I'm in a relationship, a movie date is nice, because if you go to a theater with the big cushy seats, you can snuggle when you watch the movie. And you may have been talking about it in the days or weeks leading up to seeing the movie, which builds a shared anticipation, all of which makes it more of a couple's activity.)
> 
> If I had been one of the young ladies dating you, @FalCod , I would have thought that you had a lot more going on upstairs than other guys, if you were able to come up with cool alternative date ideas like this.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


I have my older sister to credit for some of this. She gave me a bunch of advice on dating. Some of the main points that I remember were to make your dates original and interesting:

* Don't just go with dinner and a movie, or a concert, or other things that everyone does on dates. Make it something creative. Everyone interesting enjoys some level of novelty.

* Make specific proposals. Don't just say, "hey, do you want to go out this weekend?" Instead, say "hey, it's supposed to be beautiful Saturday morning. Would you like to go out around 10:00 AM for a walk down by the lake and have a picnic lunch?" Specific about the time, the location, and the activity.

* Pick activities that help you to get to know each other. 

* If it is someone you don't know well (say, someone you met at the library), make it a "safe" date. Offer to meet them someplace public for an activity. 

I'm sure that she gave me lots of other advice, but those are the main ones that jump out at me.


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## Zing

The lighter fluff - 

I'm generally the adaptable one. (Not a doormat. I do take pride in my own personality). But, for instance, I can genuinely start liking a song, a style of clothing, a dish without realising it because someone I love, likes it! Has never worked the other way around at all, since I'm drawn to the stronger types (in friends too). After a while, that could make it all seem one-sided.

Would have to put up with imagination-driven questions and creativity-outlet discussions. I love putting myself in other scenarios/situations. If there's an uncanny situation in the news/TV/Movie, my next impulse would be to ask the next person questions like "What would you do if you were the oncologist in the Saw?"

Work in bursts, and then need 'me' (read: lazy) time. 

A little OCD about sparkling countertops.

And the heavy-duty stuff -

Emotional and an empath. 

Sensitive to criticism. Learning to woman-up while facing criticism, though.:nerd:


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