# Is consistently refusing sex really just passive/agressive behavior?



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Doing some research on P/A behavior I couldn't help but see the similarity between P/A behavior patterns and people who chronically refuse sex....

Passive-aggressive behavior is the indirect expression of hostility, such as through procrastination, stubbornness, sullenness, or deliberate or repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is responsible.


----------



## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

Of course it can be. but what about people with low hormones ? They just have no desire and are usually fatigued from the low levels as well.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

it can be passive aggressive, but it can also be overtly mean.

i had a meanie ex. who would actually taunt me openly. she had past sexual abuse, so i treated her respectfully and never tried to force myself
on her. eventually i gave up, but she would still taunt me with expressions such as "you'll NEVER get this!" even when i would just look or
compliment her, or say "wow, you look good!" boy, am i glad i ditched that ship.

also, as poster 2 above said it can be sincere fear or revulsion of sex.

so, to answer your question, it can be a number of different reason, not one single on.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

It can also be self preservation in a dysfunctional relationship.
You can't label it unless you know why it is happening.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

My wife wouldn't refuse she would angrily cry and scream and storm around the room. Yeah that's real attractive.


----------



## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

I think there are probably a gazillion reasons for refusal besides PA. 

It can be extreme egocentrism, where the person truly believes that they are the yardstick against which the rest of humanity is judged as, "Normal" or "Abnormal."


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

It can be P/A but I think alot of it is just using it to get what they want or just plain liking the role of being a refuser. They are people who like the feeling of control they get from being a refuser.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Woodchuck said:


> Doing some research on P/A behavior I couldn't help but see the similarity between P/A behavior patterns and people who chronically refuse sex....


 @Woodchuck I've been doing some research on munchausen syndrome by proxy and find a very similar link between those type of people and you. 

Perhaps your wife is not passive aggressive, you just like to accuse her of being sick so that you can enjoy her needing you to care for her. 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


PS: Don't feel alone, I have it too! Just realize it is not your fault and let me help you!


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

A label won't help with a successful solution.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Some people just don't seem to have a strong sex drive, not clear why. I don't think it is active P/A (though it could be in some cases), just the way they are wired. 

That doesn't make it any less miserable for their partners though.


----------



## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

Gator_doc said:


> What if the wife acts like it is a chore and just wants me to be done and off her as soon as possible, and then just as soon as I leave she pulls out "her little friend for some alone time"? It is rare if she allows me to even watch much less take any part. This has been happening off and on for a few years now, but has drastically increased in the last few months. Over a year ago I tried to talk to her about it and she outright lied until I explained how I knew. Then she back peddled came up with really lame excuses. P/A or just plain rejection? Or something else?


Without more info to work with, it sounds like she's not satisfied, and not really comfortable with addressing that with you.

When my ex left me hanging, I often didn't want to let him see me finish myself. It felt like rewarding him for bad behavior. Why would he try harder, if he gets off and then gets a free show?


----------



## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

NoSizeQueen said:


> Without more info to work with, it sounds like she's not satisfied, and not really comfortable with addressing that with you.
> 
> *When my ex left me hanging, I often didn't want to let him see me finish myself. It felt like rewarding him for bad behavior. Why would he try harder, if he gets off and then gets a free show?*


:iagree:

Also, more info is required: @Gator_doc why is she using a vibrator immediately after sex? Is she having an orgasm during foreplay or sex and then a DIY one after? or is the vibrator orgasm the only one?
And how does she
_"acts like it is a chore and just wants me to be done and off her as soon as possible"_
words, sounds, facial expressions?


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Gator_doc said:


> What if the wife acts like it is a chore and just wants me to be done and off her as soon as possible, and then just as soon as I leave she pulls out "her little friend for some alone time"? It is rare if she allows me to even watch much less take any part. This has been happening off and on for a few years now, but has drastically increased in the last few months. Over a year ago I tried to talk to her about it and she outright lied until I explained how I knew. Then she back peddled came up with really lame excuses. P/A or just plain rejection? Or something else?


It might be more helpful for you to find out why your W isn't orgasming during sex with you, rather than wondering why she won't allow you to watch her masturbate...

Many women mightn't have sex at all if they found it a "chore" and / or weren't getting anything out of it (even though I'm HD, I know I wouldn't), so I think it's worth you looking into ways of spicing things up between you and your W.


----------



## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

Gator_doc, if you want to talk about it, you can start a thread of your own and we can stop jacking this one.


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

badsanta said:


> @Woodchuck I've been doing some research on munchausen syndrome by proxy and find a very similar link between those type of people and you.
> 
> Perhaps your wife is not passive aggressive, you just like to accuse her of being sick so that you can enjoy her needing you to care for her.
> 
> ...


I have been accused of having Munchcrotchen syndrome, which is essentially a male with strong lesbian tendencies...


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Woodchuck said:


> I have been accused of having Munchcrotchen syndrome, which is essentially a male with strong lesbian tendencies...


Meet me here...


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Gator_doc said:


> Now she is claiming she was testing me, to see if I was monitoring her. Either way, I am in a no-win situation with my wife. She knows exactly what my fears are, and she targeted me where I am most vulnerable and I failed her test, or should I say I fell into her trap she set for me.


Did you start your own thread yet?


----------



## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> I have been accused of having Munchcrotchen syndrome, which is essentially a male with strong lesbian tendencies...


There's your problem right there! Since that is one very powerful way of pleasing a woman, it would seem that your accuser doesn't understand women at all.


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

I usually hit this place..http://talkaboutmarriage.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=39897&thumb=1.


----------



## amber74747474 (Oct 24, 2015)

Runs like Dog said:


> My wife wouldn't refuse she would angrily cry and scream and storm around the room. Yeah that's real attractive.


?


----------



## amber74747474 (Oct 24, 2015)

Past sex abuse does not mean that she don't want you to "force" it on her. Not rape but grab her up take control she might love it. Unless she screams "no " or "stop" give it to her


----------



## amber74747474 (Oct 24, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Some people just don't seem to have a strong sex drive, not clear why. I don't think it is active P/A (though it could be in some cases), just the way they are wired.
> 
> That doesn't make it any less miserable for their partners though.


I thought I had low sex drive. But quickly realized when I met the right person that knew how to use that thing.i found i was in love with sex. Very which few men know how to do it really good. ((flawless d))


----------



## amber74747474 (Oct 24, 2015)

Gator_doc said:


> What if the wife acts like it is a chore and just wants me to be done and off her as soon as possible, and then just as soon as I leave she pulls out "her little friend for some alone time"? It is rare if she allows me to even watch much less take any part. This has been happening off and on for a few years now, but has drastically increased in the last few months. Over a year ago I tried to talk to her about it and she outright lied until I explained how I knew. Then she back peddled came up with really lame excuses. P/A or just plain rejection? Or something else?


Not being mean .Either she's not really into you or you just don't give the kinda sex she wants. Most men have no idea. Even if they try to do it how she pleases many men don't know exactly how it needs to be fone.and either can't keep a hard **** while doing it her way or can't last .if she wants it in a certain direction ,even if you cant feel barley anything that might be her spot. she will feel it push Hard only where she wants it .


----------



## amber74747474 (Oct 24, 2015)

Gator_doc said:


> Now she is claiming she was testing me, to see if I was monitoring her. Either way, I am in a no-win situation with my wife. She knows exactly what my fears are, and she targeted me where I am most vulnerable and I failed her test, or should I say I fell into her trap she set for me.


What exactly was" her test" that you failed


----------



## amber74747474 (Oct 24, 2015)

NoSizeQueen said:


> Without more info to work with, it sounds like she's not satisfied, and not really comfortable with addressing that with you.
> 
> When my ex left me hanging, I often didn't want to let him see me finish myself. It felt like rewarding him for bad behavior. Why would he try harder, if he gets off and then gets a free show?


I would have Finished in front of him girl.it might make him feel like he ain't doing the job. He might get the point that he needs to do better.but he is your ex so .


----------



## amber74747474 (Oct 24, 2015)

Woodchuck said:


> I have been accused of having Munchcrotchen syndrome, which is essentially a male with strong lesbian tendencies...


?


----------



## amber74747474 (Oct 24, 2015)

sidney2718 said:


> There's your problem right there! Since that is one very powerful way of pleasing a woman, it would seem that your accuser doesn't understand women at all.


?


----------



## amber74747474 (Oct 24, 2015)

Gator_doc start your own please


----------



## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

I think it CAN be passive aggressive. I have learned that my ex husband definitely has this trait in his personality.

Before I knew the real reason why he often refused to have sex with me, when we argued about it one time he actually admitted it. He said, "I know that you are intentionally not initiating lately, hoping that I will. I purposely withhold sex from you for that reason."

Why, just why...I will never know.


----------



## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Personal said:


> If you were intentionally withholding sex from your ex-husband and he was intentionally withholding sex from you at the same time, weren't you both behaving in exactly the same way?


Witholding and not initiating are not the same. Witholding is a hard no. Not initiating is a yes where you dont like duty/pity sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

where_are_we said:


> I think it CAN be passive aggressive. I have learned that my ex husband definitely has this trait in his personality.
> 
> Before I knew the real reason why he often refused to have sex with me, when we argued about it one time he actually admitted it. He said, "I know that you are intentionally not initiating lately, hoping that I will. I purposely withhold sex from you for that reason."
> 
> Why, just why...I will never know.


because 'love is a battlefield'.......Pat Benatar (1983).


----------

