# Revirginized



## Dpain#09 (Dec 17, 2014)

I was married for 25 years to a drug addicted hoarder. Finally by giving her half of everything I had worked for got divorced. Later I met a wonderful sexy woman and finally was in a great place. 4 weeks after the wedding, we were in a car accident that resulted in her having neck fusion. That was 3 years ago. I haven't had sex since the accident. I am desperately lonely but put on a good front. I have told her this. I have even said I could do without if I could just be physically held and touched. She says she has no attraction to me or anyone. That she loves me. I love her too but I don't know how someone lives like this. I tried anti depressants but decided to go off them. Any advice although my period of virginity is nothing compared to some of you.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I'd divorce and try again. Life is too short and precious to be unloved like this.

This wife may be an improvement over the previous wife, but is far from what a good wife can and should be, IMO.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I'm so sorry for your circumstances.

What was your sex life like before your wife's accident?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

As much as a willfully sexless marriage is a hard boundary and deal breaker for me; I'm afraid this one falls into the "for better or worse, sickness and health" category.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Did the accident result in her physically being unable to enjoy sex in some way. (I don't know the implications of a fused neck). Is she on long term medication that could affect her drive?


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Dpain#09 said:


> I was married for 25 years to a drug addicted hoarder. Finally by giving her half of everything I had worked for got divorced. Later I met a wonderful sexy woman and finally was in a great place. 4 weeks after the wedding, we were in a car accident that resulted in her having neck fusion. That was 3 years ago. I haven't had sex since the accident. I am desperately lonely but put on a good front. *I have told her this. I have even said I could do without if I could just be physically held and touched. She says she has no attraction to me or anyone.* That she loves me. I love her too but I don't know how someone lives like this. I tried anti depressants but decided to go off them. Any advice although my period of virginity is nothing compared to some of you.


This is the only part that doesn't sit well with me. I'd want to know more about that. Otherwise, yeah it sucks but....


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dpain#09 said:


> ...we were in a car accident that resulted in her having neck fusion. That was 3 years ago. I haven't had sex since the accident.
> 
> ...I have even said I could do without if I could just be physically held and touched. She says she has no attraction to me or anyone. That she loves me. I love her too but I don't know how someone lives like this. I tried anti depressants but decided to go off them. Any advice although my period of virginity is nothing compared to some of you.


My heart goes out to you. I was in an Sex Starved Marriage (SSM), so I can understand some of your pain. May I suggest reading and asking your wife to read Sue Johnson's book Hold Me Tight. It explains why touch is so critical to most people and some people in particular. It might help your wife better understand your need to be held and feel loved, even if sex isn't involved.

Next, I would suggest that you and your wife read Chapman's book the Five Lanaguages of Love. The reason is so that she understands how to make you feel loved in your love languages and you understand how to make her feel loved in her love languages. One of the problems in my SSM was that I was clueless that my wife needed quality time and acts of service to feel loved. My love languages were touch and words of affirmation or praise. I told my wife what a wonderful person she was and would reach out to hug or kiss her. That did absolutely nothing to make her feel loved. Now I bring her coffee in bed in the morning and we wake up together and talk about our day, then at night she sits down after dinner while I do the dishes and then I sit with her and we talk about the day. She now feels loved. That has helped her make changes so I feel more loved.

Finally, once you understand her love languages and she yours, try to negotiate something that say you can recognize as sex and she can recognize as something else that is part of her love languages. For example, say she is an act of service person, she can perhaps view handjob (tease & denial touching or even a massage) as an act of service and you can view it as sex. Similarly, say she is a quality time person, perhaps she can hold you (or just lay next to you with your bodies touching & her talking to you) while you masturbate or have multiple orgasms from say a aneros prostate massager.

If she has an open mind, perhaps you can work on developing a foot fetish that seems like sex to you and yet doesn't cause a problem with her lack of desire. Or you could get into say tease and denial or some form of dirty talk. The point is one of you can be having something that registers as sex, while the other person doesn't see it that way and is comfortable with it. The key is to think outside the box, based on physical and emotional limitations and find something that might work for the both of you.

My final suggestion is to seek out the help of a sex therapist. That really helped my wife and me. They have skills and networks so they can make suggestions on things that both of you might enjoy. They are expensive but far less expensive than the cost of two divorce attorneys.

My heart really goes out to you, as I think I understand some of your pain. Good luck.


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