# Has Your Time on TAM Affected Your View(s) Of Relationships?



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

This is something I was thinking about, and saw a few other people post the same exact thoughts, so why not open it up for discussion. What got me thinking about this, a week ago I was talking to a guy at the gym, and he was telling me he was set to get married in September (him and his fiance are both young, around 23). I told him I got married around the same age and for the most part it had been great, I had no regrets, and even though I was sure a lot of other guys would try and dissuade him from getting married at all (or at a minimum at such a young age), if he felt it was the right thing to do go for it. He seemed to be appreciative of this, guessing he has gotten different feedback from others lol.

Later that day I was talking to my wife about this (honestly I think I was more excited b/c it turned out as well the guy at the gym eats his ice cream in a bowl of milk. To me this is the only way to eat ice cream, best of both worlds, yet everyone always looks at me like I am an alien when I mention this . I don't even know how that conversation came up lol). Anyways, I told my wife the advice I gave him and that most men would probably give different advice. She then asked me why I thought that, did I think a lot of married men were unhappy, and my answer almost automatically was "yes". As I thought about it a bit more, I realized that part of my perception about married men/marriage had changed from spending time on TAM. Obviously many people come to TAM for relationship help, but after a while when you continuously read threads about affairs, lying, sexless marriages, negative tones, etc... even if it is something you can't necessarily relate to in your own relationship, it does start to alter your view (at least it did in my case).

So thoughts, has TAM altered your views of relationship, or maybe even how you view men/women in general based on how they may be portrayed here?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I think TAM has made me a bit more quick to think people are betraying others.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

thatbpguy said:


> I think TAM has made me a bit more quick to think people are betraying others.


I have given some thought to the "groupthink" factor on TAM. Clearly forums have prevalent cultures. And there must be a combination of attracting certain sorts of people or pushing them toward TAM's center but on this one point, I see way more people that are clearly in denial over an affair, and eventually come back to say "you guys where right", then I recall posts where they said, " gee whiz my wife was really working until 2am every night with her co-worker and nothing happened".


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I think most marriages have significant problems.

As an observer, I've noticed even longtime marriages have significant problems. Very few marriages (or even LTR) are really blissful.
That's my studied opinion, not necessarily fact. I think many people are able to deal with or overcome their issues and stay married.
But just as an estimate, I'd say maybe about 10-15% of marriages are really blissful without any serious issues and still have that 'spark' after 
several years. Maybe another 25-30% are 'blissful' but with some serious issues. That would make about 45-50% happy marriages.
Another 15-20% that truly love each other but don't necessarily get along well. The rest are pretty miserable, I'd say.
Opinion. No studies to cite.

TAM I think is a realistic reflection of that. Not a perfect reflection by any means, but fairly close to real life.
Of course most people come here with serious issues, but I notice many are here not with serious issues but just to participate, learn and support.

I came here in 2012 with a significant issue (cheating SO), but left her and now married and blissful.
However, all of my previous LTR had significant issues. I loved all of them, but it just didn't work out.
You never stop learning, no matter what the situation.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

jorgegene said:


> TAM I think is a realistic reflection of that. Not a perfect reflection by any means, but fairly close to real life.


Are you saying all the Facebook, Instagram, etc... pictures of the perfect families are not real life ... >


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

It is a functional bias and you can't get away from it. Most people in happy marriages (Good times & noodle salad), and there are many, have no need to come here and balance the message out.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8shdlcJjAJ8


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

It didn't alter my view. I dealt with broken relationships all the time and had a privileged view, ministry, of what was really going on.

TAM did increase my awareness and knowledge of what could be happening in some relationships. I have also been educated on more ways to improve and repair a broken marriage.

So now, instead of being uneasy about a relationship I know about and not knowing exactly why, I can pinpoint a detail that would have slipped by before.

TAM isn't the whole world of relationships but it absolutely increases awareness.

There is some very positive relationship stuff here too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

> So thoughts, has TAM altered your views of relationship, or maybe even how you view men/women in general based on how they may be portrayed here?


In a nutshell, I've absotively posilutely changed my thoughts about this. 

In what ways?

~ I believe almost all men and women have cheated on a girlfriend/boyfriend up to and including a spouse at one point or another.

~ I believe most women will say one thing to their spouse and another to family and friends.

~ I believe most women will be looking for an upgrade or comparing their relationship to all of their friends and family, but not limited to those, and base their conclusions of the health of their relationship on that.

~ I believe what most folks call love looks nothing like what I think of as love.

~ I believe most folks will lie about or absolutely have no clue about their personal preferences and boundaries when they get married or decide to get serious.

~ I believe most folks assume way too much and never talk.

~ I believe most folks lie about themselves much more than we think, and these lies are believed by the liar to be unimportant.

~ I believe most folks don't have a clue about what is truly important to their partner or how important those things are, believing they will change and grow into the relationship.

~ I believe many folks don't know how they will react under very difficult circumstances that arise in the lives of everyday humans and find they cannot deal with the troubles. They overestimate their abilities. 

~ I believe most folks let lust control decisions and think nothing of the consequences. The human organism and it's chemical dependency on dopamine is higher than in the past, due to technological advances in gaming, movies and multi-media that induce the release of dopamine and create dependency based on fiction and not reality, causing many to constantly look for that high. 

~ I think many folks don't understand their changing biology and look for problems in others instead of problems within themselves. You can replace the word "problems" with "behavioral and preferential changes".

~ This is not an all encompassing or definitive list. It's very much opinionated with some life experience and reading knowledge added to some personal conclusions. No offense was meant to anyone and I am not blaming any gender, Ele :grin2:, or specific person.


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## quiesedba (Apr 19, 2015)

I have felt since coming here to get advice that the site is definitely bias towards the BS..... There is way too much judgement against the WS because so many here have been cheated on... I find the whole site depressing.... I know that for some marriage is great... but for me I wish I had never gotten married... It has been nothing but a chore for me to stay married , put up with a spouse that only wants a meal ticket and raising 5 kids, one of which was hers..... 

When I factor in the pros and cons for me at least it's just not worth it.... I guess people get married for affection and they are scared to be alone for whatever reason.... I do not need . craved the affection and emotional connection. Mine is more physical...... 

I also feel as people age their brain changes and they do not require love and affection, some may require more... 

As most of you know I think investing yourself in another human being is setting yourself up for heart ache and puttin gtoo much pressure on an already flawed system. marriage is social engineering...


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

I used to look at straight couples in the street with a vague feeling of disgust and maybe jealousy. Now I only feel sympathy because I know they're probably really miserable. Thanks TAM!



EllisRedding said:


> honestly I think I was more excited b/c it turned out as well the guy at the gym *eats his ice cream in a bowl of milk.*


You what now? I feel like this really needs more attention.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I've learned a lot on this site from both women and men. What I've experienced and read here also gives me hope that there are intelligent, compassionate, introspective, faithful men out there.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

batsociety said:


> I used to look at straight couples in the street with a vague feeling of disgust and maybe jealousy. Now I only feel sympathy because I know they're probably really miserable. Thanks TAM!


:toast:




batsociety said:


> You what now? I feel like this really needs more attention.


I mean seriously, you are having ice cream and a milk shake ... at the same time!!! Throw some toppings like sprinkles in there and you have a nice little sprinkle/milk surprise as you get towards the end of the bowl!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> :toast:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


LOL! You are dangerous and must be stopped! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Ice cream with milk? Huh. I'm not grossed out by the flavor aspect, but I'm a texture weirdo so that might not sit well with me. Never heard of that combo before. Interesting.

TAM has *definitely* changed how I view relationships.

I initially came here to seek support/info for my LD BF. And well, like a bad penny, I keep turning up.

I thought the majority of cheaters were men. Not so! Boy were my eyes opened.

I've also seen so much hard work here trying to save marriages/relationships. I'm so sick of hearing people say, 'well, if it doesn't work out, we'll just get a divorce.' That is not the way to look at marriage. It's refreshing to see people do some really hard, focused work.

And I've also learned that good, caring people still exist. I mean, we're all strangers. And I've seen some uplifting, supportive posts and that have literally brought tears to my eyes. It gives me hope.

While my BF is an excellent communicator and has taught me a lot, TAM continues to educate me on this issue.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

Has TAM changed my view of relationships?

Not really.

I take things I read here with a grain of salt. I liberally spread grains of salt in my replies as well.

I believe most people come to this site not because they want to discuss how great their marriage/relationship is, but because they have some type of underlying problem or issue in their relationship which they want to get advice about, or read about others' problems/solutions to apply to their own situation, etc.

Very few people are out there saying "my marriage is great! I want to go online and help others having problems in their marriage!".

As such, this site has a disproportionately high "negative" rate when it comes to postings related to relationships. Couple this with the sociopolitical agendas of some of the posters, you create a highly negative atmosphere.

Taking this as being indicative of the population of as a whole, rather than a self-selected sample, then certainly you would tell people to never get married, never be in a relationship, never have children, etc. 

Frankly, I'm surprised anyone would walk away from this site having a positive impact on their relationship. There are way too many bitter people (from both sexes) with a poisonous view towards relationships. 

Reading the horror stories, it is very easy to start going down that rabbit hole as well, because you only see the bad, and never the good.

Fortunately, I smell the good every day when I wake up in the morning at 5am and my SO's hair is in my face. I see the good every day when the soft morning light filters through the curtains and illuminates her face as she is sleeping. I feel the good every day, when I return home after a long day at work, and my SO greets me with a hug. I hear the good every day when she asks me how my day went, and engages me in interesting discussion about TAM postings she read during the day. I taste the good every day, when she makes a delicious carrot and colander soup, with steamed spinach for supper.


That is the good in a relationship, and not something you are going to read, or experience on TAM.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

I wish I would have found TAM when I was still single and in the dating pool because it would have introduced me to various types of people and relationships. I had some life experience, but was still too idealistic. I had always thought that the best attributes to attract women were to be sincere, romantic, take care of myself, have a respectable job, and of course being considerate and caring. 

Life taught me otherwise and after that, TAM was a helpful tool for learning about attraction and relationships through other's experiences. I am not bitter, just less naive now.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

I learned that I've been fighting a losing battle, and should just give up already.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

It has affected my view in a good way.

Certainly not a rainbows and butterflies way, but more realistic. I see that as good as it's poked holes in some of my delusions. 

And it still hasn't turned me off to relationships or marriage.


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

I'm one "cheating wife gets alimony" story away from becoming completely MGTOW.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

It has probably changed my view of the percentage of happy marriages. Depressing. I realise TAM sees more problems than perfect marriages. It is hard to remember my own views with clarity. 

Since joining TAM I have caught myself looking at others real life interactions and imagining some unpleasant back story. Basically matching them up to some disaster here. Entirely unjustified on my part.

I have also been encouraged that disasters can be turned around. 
And that others are willing to help.
And that there are great resouces around to help.


Ice-cream and milk??? Sounds wierd. Have to try that. Maybe another good thing I will learn from TAM.
My daughter and I scrape off softserve with french fries. My wife says it is weird. I sort of agree, but it tastes great.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Generalities here so let's not go running down the red pill, blue pill paths.

I have learned that in general men and women deal or don't deal with their marital issues very differently. 

Women who come here in distress are looking for advice on how to fix, connect or understand issues with their husbands. They are far more proactive than us.

Men who come here in distress are looking for help because they have just been blindsided with the fact that their wives have walked out on them, cheated on them or are in the process of planning their gruesome demise utilizing paper cuts and lemon juice. Either that, or they're not getting laid.

Lesson learned? I cannot be on cruise control in my marriage. Successful marriages take work. If we are not empathetic and communicating with each other the marriage can start to slide. And that includes when we perceive all is fine, we are getting along and banging each other on a regular basis.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> :toast:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I sort of do this. I just add a little milk to the bowl and squish the ice cream around until it's milkshake texture.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

It's changed MY view of MY relationship, for the better I'd say. I was a complete wreck when I got here. TAM helped put me on the path to fixing my sh!t. I'd say I'm 35% of the way there.

I don't think it's really changed my view on marriage as a whole. I've seen so much infidelity in the places I've worked that it's been kind of nauseating at times. Plus you have to just look at the math of it. If roughly 50% of marriages fail, and you factor in that a large percentage of the remaining marriages are unhappy and dysfunctional, how many marriages really qualify as good relationships?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> It's changed MY view of MY relationship, for the better I'd say. I was a complete wreck when I got here. TAM helped put me on the path to fixing my sh!t. I'd say I'm 35% of the way there.
> 
> I don't think it's really changed my view on marriage as a whole. I've seen so much infidelity in the places I've worked that it's been kind of nauseating at times. Plus you have to just look at the math of it. If roughly 50% of marriages fail, and you factor in that a large percentage of the remaining marriages are unhappy and dysfunctional, how many marriages really qualify as good relationships?


Only 35%? That surprises me....you seem to have come a really long way, to me.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I build in allowance for finding new sh!t to fix.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Hmmm....bit of a glass half empty guy, are ya?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Most surely generalities. Amplexor is correct. What is intriguing and disturbing for you is what you need to look into further and decide for yourself. Knowledge will help you. Don't turn away from it. Know that knowledge is also not everything. Emotion is important. Hope is important, but hope in attainable goals. What I personally posted is most assuredly true for me that day and likely today, but it isn't all inclusive. It isn't everyone's reality. It isn't even my total reality. 

Life is a process. It's evolution of a psyche. It's the growth and development of opinion, which is best based in fact and proof. Where many folks, including me, run into difficulty is when I don't have the truth and cannot explain the reality that exists. It creates a vacuum in the psyche that must be filled with something. Usually that is some fantasy based belief. 

When those fantasy based beliefs are proven to be incorrect, along with absence of proof of anything else, that vacuum can become overwhelming if we cannot let it go and walk away. I for one need to fill the void with something. My uneducated guess is that most humans need to fill that void. 

Where relations with other humans are concerned, it's best to know each individual as well as possible before making a determination about who they are. Anything less creates illusions that become beliefs and usually end up being biased, racist, sexist, -ist, etc. Do not let anyone's post take you there. Form your own beliefs from your life and facts about individuals, not groups. 

Each of us has some power to change ourselves. We can work to become more understanding, forgiving, accepting. We can also learn what is best for us and live that, growing as we live our lives. We don't have the power to change anyone else. 

I am happy to see a mod come in and give everyone a red pill. Sometimes it's needed to counteract the blue. We all need a dose of reality sometimes, including me.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> I build in allowance for finding new sh!t to fix.





Faithful Wife said:


> Hmmm....bit of a glass half empty guy, are ya?


Haha. I see it as quite optimistic, really.

Like a classic car. Never quite at it's full potential until it's old with loads of manpower poured into it. Then - oh baby!


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> I sort of do this. I just add a little milk to the bowl and squish the ice cream around until it's milkshake texture.


So good ... :yawn2: :whip:


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

NotEasy said:


> My daughter and I scrape off softserve with french fries. My wife says it is weird. I sort of agree, but it tastes great.


YES! The good ol salty n sweet combo.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

2ntnuf said:


> ~ I believe almost all men and women have cheated on a girlfriend/boyfriend up to and including a spouse at one point or another.


I disagree, I see this as TAM bias.



2ntnuf said:


> ~ I believe most women will say one thing to their spouse and another to family and friends.


Not just women



2ntnuf said:


> ~ I believe most women will be looking for an upgrade or comparing their relationship to all of their friends and family, but not limited to those, and base their conclusions of the health of their relationship on that.


Yes, and most men want to upgrade their car



2ntnuf said:


> ~ I believe what most folks call love looks nothing like what I think of as love.


Sort of agree. I think most people don't even know what they mean when they say love, partly they are basing it on TV or romatic novels.



2ntnuf said:


> ~ I believe most folks will lie about or absolutely have no clue about their personal preferences and boundaries when they get married or decide to get serious


Again sort of agree, most people don't know themselves or their boundaries. 
I still can't fathom what those having affairs think about themselves. Do they really believe they will never be caught? And it will not be devastating?



2ntnuf said:


> ~ I believe most folks assume way too much and never talk.


YES YES YES, and I thought this before TAM



2ntnuf said:


> ~ I believe most folks lie about themselves much more than we think, and these lies are believed by the liar to be unimportant.


YES, one of the advantages of talking is SO points out our stupid self deceptions.



2ntnuf said:


> ~ I believe most folks don't have a clue about what is truly important to their partner or how important those things are, believing they will change and grow into the relationship.


YES, talk more so you might learn. Plus too many believe romantic novels/movies, "they will change, because they love me".



2ntnuf said:


> ~ I believe many folks don't know how they will react under very difficult circumstances that arise in the lives of everyday humans and find they cannot deal with the troubles. They overestimate their abilities.


Yes, but some underestimate too.



2ntnuf said:


> ~ I believe most folks let lust control decisions and think nothing of the consequences. The human organism and it's chemical dependency on dopamine is higher than in the past, due to technological advances in gaming, movies and multi-media that induce the release of dopamine and create dependency based on fiction and not reality, causing many to constantly look for that high.


YES, YES, YES, and I would add porn to this list of causes



2ntnuf said:


> ~ I think many folks don't understand their changing biology and look for problems in others instead of problems within themselves. You can replace the word "problems" with "behavioral and preferential changes".


Yes


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

In general, I now believe that maintaining a relationship is far more complicated than i ever expected. 




2ntnuf said:


> I believe what most folks call love looks nothing like what I think of as love.


That's interesting. I have often thought that people probably have different definitions of love.

What is love to you; how do you describe it? How do you feel most here describe it that is different from you?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

NotEasy said:


> I disagree, I see this as TAM bias.
> 
> 
> Not just women
> ...


In the end, we choose our answers based upon what we know. As I wrote about assumptions, so it happened. At least I got a chance to clarify. Incredible, but I did not realize my post shook up so many. Assumption? I don't think. Maybe I underestimated myself? In any case, I'll bet you find the general answer in one of remarks in the post you quoted. Glad you quoted me.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

southbound said:


> In general, I now believe that maintaining a relationship is far more complicated than i ever expected.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I'll start a thread if you want. Maybe General would be the best section? I can use your post and my quote in your post to get it started, with some added food for thought? What say you?


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

2ntnuf said:


> I'll start a thread if you want. Maybe General would be the best section? I can use your post and my quote in your post to get it started, with some added food for thought? What say you?


Sounds good to me.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* Let's just say that in over 2 years of TAM participation and interaction, it has taught me infinitesimal things about the nature of relationships that I had heretofore been most ignorant of!

Just saying!*


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

southbound said:


> Sounds good to me.


Done


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Of course people on TAM are biased, that is to be expected as the people who come here are those usually with marital problems. Does it colour my view? no, I think there are many wonderful marriages ( I think of my grandparents who made it 66 years (till he died). They had ups and downs of course, what marriage doesn't?
I appreciate TAM as it really shows that many of the issues are similar, as are many of the solutions, so it is useful. However, most would know and say that each relationship is unique.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> * Let's just say that in over 2 years of TAM participation and interaction, it has taught me infinitesimal things about the nature of relationships that I had heretofore been most ignorant of!
> 
> Just saying!*


So you now know an almost infinitely small bit more about relationships? :nerd:


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

2ntnuf said:


> In the end, we choose our answers based upon what we know. As I wrote about assumptions, so it happened. At least I got a chance to clarify. Incredible, but I did not realize my post shook up so many. Assumption? I don't think. Maybe I underestimated myself? In any case, I'll bet you find the general answer in one of remarks in the post you quoted. Glad you quoted me.


I thought your post was very insightful.

Not that I agree with it all. I disagreed with the first point, "most people have been cheated on", seeing it as a TAM bias that I fear I may be picking up. On first reading I thought disagreed with half of your points. Personally I like to disagree with some points, shows we are both thinking our own thoughts. Instead as I replied I found I agreed with the rest of what you said. Almost disappointing.:wink2:

I also keep cars until they die or my wife tears me away from it and demands we get another. I think many women see their H as a status symbol and many men see their car as their status symbol. Both are stupid.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

NotEasy said:


> I thought your post was very insightful.
> 
> Not that I agree with it all. I disagreed with the first point, "most people have been cheated on", seeing it as a TAM bias that I fear I may be picking up. On first reading I thought disagreed with half of your points. Personally I like to disagree with some points, shows we are both thinking our own thoughts. Instead as I replied I found I agreed with the rest of what you said. Almost disappointing.:wink2:
> 
> I also keep cars until they die or my wife tears me away from it and demands we get another. I think many women see their H as a status symbol and many men see their car as their status symbol. Both are stupid.


No problem at all. I wasn't and am not angry.


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## AliceInWonderland (Jun 4, 2015)

TAM, so far, has taught me that I'm not the only one who likes adding milk to ice cream, and that I'm also not the only one who eats french fries with soft serve.

What a relief.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

technovelist said:


> arbitrator said:
> 
> 
> > * Let's just say that in over 2 years of TAM participation and interaction, it has taught me infinitesimal things about the nature of relationships that I had heretofore been most ignorant of!
> ...


* Greatly compared to the scope of the knowledge that I had prior to coming here to TAM, that would be an absolute and unequivocal "yes!"*


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

technovelist said:


> arbitrator said:
> 
> 
> > * Let's just say that in over 2 years of TAM participation and interaction, it has taught me infinitesimal things about the nature of relationships that I had heretofore been most ignorant of!
> ...


* Sorry for that verbiage, Technovelist! The "word suggester" on my iPhone threw "infinitesimal" right in there along with the word "infinite" and I apparently hit the wrong one! Accordingly, please change that over to the latter, that being "infinite!

In any event, I think that you sense what I truly mean! So sorry for the grammatical error! ~ Arb *


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

TAM has made me truly wish I educated myself and found the people on here much soon after D day and from the get go of my separation. It has also reassured me I am not alone in what I feel day to day through this process. It has opened my eyes to the complete necessity for effective communication in a marriage.

It has also sadly opened my eyes to the fact that maybe my WH holds marriage in a different regard than I do.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

2ntnuf said:


> I'll start a thread if you want. Maybe General would be the best section? I can use your post and my quote in your post to get it started, with some added food for thought? What say you?



Did the new thread get created? If so, what is it called? I can't find it. I would be interested. Perhaps a link could be put in here as I think others here would also be interested.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

NotEasy said:


> I thought your post was very insightful.
> 
> Not that I agree with it all. I disagreed with the first point, "most people have been cheated on", seeing it as a TAM bias that I fear I may be picking up. On first reading I thought disagreed with half of your points. Personally I like to disagree with some points, shows we are both thinking our own thoughts. Instead as I replied I found I agreed with the rest of what you said. Almost disappointing.:wink2:
> 
> *I also keep cars until they die or my wife tears me away from it and demands we get another. I think many women see their H as a status symbol and many men see their car as their status symbol. Both are stupid*.


We are like this too.. I am so mad at myself for loosing this old poem I had .. I used to carry it around in my purse - lost it...but it was all about how there was A TIME when people hung on to what they had, if it was broken, they fixed it, they painted it, they took care of it .. we didn't throw everything away -like we do today & buy new.. (It's become a disposable society)....and it tied this in with relationships somehow.. Darn it , I tried to find it online.. but I can't..:frown2:

I bet our car is older than your car...still driving a 1991 Buick Century (his work car).. had it for 10 yrs now .. only paid $2,000, old reliable...taught 3 sons to drive on it ...


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

NotEasy said:


> Did the new thread get created? If so, what is it called? I can't find it. I would be interested. Perhaps a link could be put in here as I think others here would also be interested.


I did. It was in General as I mentioned in a post here. It was up for an hour or so total. I had one post and over 60 views. I deleted it.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

SimplyAmorous said:


> We are like this too.. I am so mad at myself for loosing this old poem I had .. I used to carry it around in my purse - lost it...but it was all about how there was A TIME when people hung on to what they had, if it was broken, they fixed it, they painted it, they took care of it .. we didn't throw everything away -like we do today & buy new.. (It's become a disposable society)....and it tied this in with relationships somehow.. Darn it , I tried to find it online.. but I can't..:frown2:
> 
> I bet our car is older than your car...still driving a 1991 Buick Century (his work car).. had it for 10 yrs now .. only paid $2,000, old reliable...taught 3 sons to drive on it ...


A guy at work was actually just telling me about his neighbor yesterday. Guy has a really nice house, him and his wife drive real nice cars, etc... Turns out they are in serious debt, something about the wife blowing all their money and hiding the bills from him. Right now her father is basically keeping them afloat. Their kids play sports and supposedly the coaches have been complaining b/c the parents have not paid their dues. Gotta keep up the status symbol though , drive 100k cars but can't spend $50 to pay for your kids' sports ...


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

SimplyAmorous said:


> We are like this too.. I am so mad at myself for loosing this old poem I had .. I used to carry it around in my purse - lost it...but it was all about how there was A TIME when people hung on to what they had, if it was broken, they fixed it, they painted it, they took care of it .. we didn't throw everything away -like we do today & buy new.. (It's become a disposable society)....and it tied this in with relationships somehow.. Darn it , I tried to find it online.. but I can't..:frown2:
> 
> I bet our car is older than your car...still driving a 1991 Buick Century (his work car).. had it for 10 yrs now .. only paid $2,000, old reliable...taught 3 sons to drive on it ...


So you disposed of a poem about not disposing of things. Where is the smilie for irony?
"Disposable society" upsets me too, my wife often wants to upgrade things and I half jokingly ask when she will trade me in. At first she didn't understand the joke, now she makes jokes about poor trade in value.
I also worried that a similar disposable society attitude would pervade TAM, blokes wanting to upgrade their wife for a newer model etc. Not an attitude I want to pick up. Thankfully that seems to be rare here.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

EllisRedding said:


> A guy at work was actually just telling me about his neighbor yesterday. Guy has a really nice house, him and his wife drive real nice cars, etc... Turns out they are in serious debt, something about the wife blowing all their money and hiding the bills from him. Right now her father is basically keeping them afloat. Their kids play sports and supposedly the coaches have been complaining b/c the parents have not paid their dues. Gotta keep up the status symbol though , drive 100k cars but can't spend $50 to pay for your kids' sports ...


Yes.. this happens more than one would think.. as people live on Credit.. we watch Forensic Files a lot.. 2 episodes last night where these seemingly RICH people, luxurious houses were in financial ruin, they take out these large life insurance policies then KILL their spouses, trying to get away with it... very sad.. 










We are the opposite ...I make $$ off my credit cards (at least $400 a year).... we have a pretty nice house/ property...everything is paid for.. 2 sons went on a band trip to Disney earlier this year..I hate selling that junk, we don't bother (even though this could lower the cost significantly).... so we had to pay in full for them both (I think $1,400)... it was there.. 

But new Vehicles.. NEVER... none of our kids have cell phones (I carry a tracfone -moved up in the world getting a smartphone!).... we're not Mall shoppers.. that'd be like the Beverly Hill Billy's going to town... we may do it about 3 times a year.. the whole family.. always a lot of fun when we do...I've never been to StarBucks, don't drink coffee anyway.. Our teens would enjoy it though.. that would be a real treat for them... We do SPEND for Nice Family vacations though.. so we skimp in some areas.. so we can splurge in others.. that's our way..


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Not really or if it did it was very slight. My divorce changed my view on relationships. Here I learned I wasn't alone and that what happened to me happens to lots of guys and gals. Many blindsided. It is seriously comforting just to know you are not alone. Because when it happens and you never saw it coming you think you are the only person in the world who it's happening to . Just not the case.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

NotEasy said:


> *So you disposed of a poem about not disposing of things. Where is the smilie for irony?
> "Disposable society" upsets me too, my wife often wants to upgrade things and I half jokingly ask when she will trade me in. At first she didn't understand the joke, now she makes jokes about poor trade in value.*
> 
> I also worried that a similar disposable society attitude would pervade TAM, blokes wanting to upgrade their wife for a newer model etc. Not an attitude I want to pick up. Thankfully that seems to be rare here.


Yes.. it is irony !! Your jokes sound FUN ...I have spent hours looking for this stupid poem... please think of me if you come across one you really like ... since you have a very similar mindset..

I found snippets on a page with a similar message.. but this is not it ...



> We were born in a time when if something was broken we would fix it, not throw it away.
> 
> God doesn't give you the people you want, he gives you the people you need. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you the person you were meant to be.
> 
> ...


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

2ntnuf said:


> I did. It was in General as I mentioned in a post here. It was up for an hour or so total. I had one post and over 60 views. I deleted it.


So that's what happened. I read the one reply and went back later but couldn't find it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

EllisRedding said:


> So thoughts, has TAM altered your views of relationship, or maybe even how you view men/women in general based on how they may be portrayed here?


I think we've all learned A LOT about these.... 








.No matter what a person goes through...a string of bad relationships, a lying spouse, sexless marriage, a lazy SAHM, Infidelity.....it has a profound effect on one's outlook, often times self esteem, how they view the opposite sex..many say "never NEVER again!!"..

I can't say anything I've read here has caused suspicions in my own marriage.. Coming here when I wanted to get "more out of him" set me on a path to dig deeper...It was all for the GOOD..

I often bounce things I read here onto my Husband... we've had some entertaining discussions along the way.. he's surprised me a few times -with taking an opposite view (see there is always something new to learn about each other !)..

And much food for thought in raising our children -in what to educate/ warn them about in life , love & sex.. as we now find many of our ideals in the minority..

Also It's become clear...I basically live under a ROCK, never met a woman who kept her last name...never heard the word "misogynist" till I landed here.. ...TAM has opened my eyes to the effects of Feminism..whether intended or not.. I understand why men have grown weary, and see no incentive to be Gentleman & that the lifestyle/ traditions we have enjoyed is now looked upon with scorn by a growing number...not to mention stupidity.. 

Also I can see why men resort to Pick up Artist sites as far too many women reward A-hole behavior.. 

Also, how much people commonly LIE to each other even justify it.......*Transparency* is seen as endless chatter / TOO MUCH INFORMATION...(missing the whole concept)...

I think some would rather be sucker punched in the stomach over showing any *vulnerability*... that being affectionate / wanting to spend time with our spouses could be seen as "NEEDY" .....that "*Independence*" is touted here like it's a GOD... the answer to every whoa....(I say "InterDependence is healthier).....that wanting to learn of someone's past is "Insecurity"....that women are just as non-monogamous as men/ we've been lied to.. (no study can speak for all of us)...

I'm also convinced , due to cultural changes...in my lifetime.. we'll likely see "Renewable marriage licences' as the majority will push for this.. if marriage doesn't become a dinosaur first.... I foresee only those with some sort of Faith or care for Tradition to hold a candle for it. 

At the end of the day... this is us... hopefully we have someone beside us to help beat off these annoyances.. and push on..


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Rock on SA :iagree:

The quoted part below was actually going to be the topic of a new thread I wanted to start this morning, got side tracked by the whole "job" thing lol. Maybe when I grab some lunch I can get some thoughts down.



SimplyAmorous said:


> I understand why men have grown weary, and see no incentive to be Gentleman & that the lifestyle/ traditions we have enjoyed is now looked upon with scorn by a growing number...not to mention stupidity..
> 
> Also I can see why men resort to Pick up Artist sites as far too many women reward A-hole behavior..


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

TAM enlightened me to portions of my marriage I was screwing up. Helped make my marriage "new" after 21 years.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> * Sorry for that verbiage, Technovelist! The "word suggester" on my iPhone threw "infinitesimal" right in there along with the word "infinite" and I apparently hit the wrong one! Accordingly, please change that over to the latter, that being "infinitite!
> 
> In any event, I think that you sense what I truly mean! So sorry for the grammatical error! ~ Arb *


Sure, I knew what you meant. I was just pulling your leg, thus the :nerd: smiley!


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> We are like this too.. I am so mad at myself for loosing this old poem I had .. I used to carry it around in my purse - lost it...but it was all about how there was A TIME when people hung on to what they had, if it was broken, they fixed it, they painted it, they took care of it .. we didn't throw everything away -like we do today & buy new.. (It's become a disposable society)....and it tied this in with relationships somehow.. Darn it , I tried to find it online.. but I can't..:frown2:
> 
> I bet our car is older than your car...still driving a 1991 Buick Century (his work car).. had it for 10 yrs now .. only paid $2,000, old reliable...taught 3 sons to drive on it ...


This isn't much of a poem, but perhaps it was what you were thinking about?

Quote by Boyd K. Packer: ?Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without.?

As for me, the car I drive the most is a 2001 Maxima. We do have a "new" (2008) car that we got when my previous (1990) Maxima got to be too much of a pain. And we also have a 1995 Dodge pickup, because we live in the country and need a truck sometimes.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

technovelist said:


> This isn't much of a poem, but perhaps it was what you were thinking about?
> 
> Quote by Boyd K. Packer: ?Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without.?
> 
> As for me, the car I drive the most is a 2001 Maxima. We do have a "new" (2008) car that we got when my previous (1990) Maxima got to be too much of a pain. And we also have a 1995 Dodge pickup, because we live in the country and need a truck sometimes.


It wasn't just a Quote.. it was more like a Paragraph.. like Wisdom from a porch swing , given by a Grandmother / Grandfather.. something to that effect.... But thank you ! 

Our newest is a '99 Suburban..







...we had a '97 for about 6 yrs... was giving us some troubles he couldn't figure out (YET- his summer Project).... at least we didn't go backwards... gotta have that 3rd seat too, we fill it up!... Long live the Suburabn for us... it's the only vehicle that has enough seat belts & we need the 4x4 for our wicked driveway in the winter..


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> EllisRedding said:
> 
> 
> > So thoughts, has TAM altered your views of relationship, or maybe even how you view men/women in general based on how they may be portrayed here?
> ...


* Sorry, SA ~ but I have just about reached that very decision in life!

After two decisively failed and flawed marriages due to infidelity, learning how to retrust another potential partner again seems all but impossible!*


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

In truth, you could never trust anyone, but you believed you could. So did I. Nothing has changed, except us. We gave it our best shot and failed. It's time to just work on being as happy as possible till it's finished. That's enough work to do without someone telling us how to get there or that we are doing it all wrong. Happiness can be obtained. We can have something good. It just looks different than we thought. Time to be happy for others who have a chance. Yes this is melancholy, but it's alright. All is well.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Mostly that TAM, and its views on relationships are held together by apron strings made of iron. The views are PC in the extreme, side-step accountability, and are policed by folks with narrow goals and thin-skinned attitudes. Step outside the lines, express a dissenting opinion, and you're gone. 

Nowhere is it more apparent than the laughable "Men's Clubhouse".


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

2ntnuf said:


> In truth, you could never trust anyone, but you believed you could. So did I. Nothing has changed, except us. We gave it our best shot and failed. It's time to just work on being as happy as possible till it's finished. That's enough work to do without someone telling us how to get there or that we are doing it all wrong. Happiness can be obtained. We can have something good. It just looks different than we thought. Time to be happy for others who have a chance. Yes this is melancholy, but it's alright. All is well.


This aligns with ideas I still am trying for form.
Romantic movie style marriage is not true, not possible, a waste of emotion, diverting us from progress.
Happiness is still possible, but requires seeing reality.
The way forward is different than expected.
A clear path towards a different happiness is better than a foggy unreal path towards a mirage. 

Melancholy was the word I was looking for.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

NotEasy said:


> This aligns with ideas I still am trying for form.
> Romantic movie style marriage is not true, not possible, a waste of emotion, diverting us from progress.
> Happiness is still possible, but requires seeing reality.
> The way forward is different than expected.
> ...


Just don't let me turn you away from your path to happiness. If that means a wife, family and house with white picket fence and you have a chance to get that, it's not wrong to go for it. Just do it with wide open eyes and some hope in what you can obtain rather than a dream. That dream will suck you into foolishness and make you believe things that aren't true. Proof in actions and the completion of realistic goals is where the truth is. It's where it's worth placing some hope.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

2ntnuf said:


> Just don't let me turn you away from your path to happiness. If that means a wife, family and house with white picket fence and you have a chance to get that, it's not wrong to go for it. Just do it with wide open eyes and some hope in what you can obtain rather than a dream. That dream will suck you into foolishness and make you believe things that aren't true. Proof in actions and the completion of realistic goals is where the truth is. It's where it's worth placing some hope.


From TAM I don't expect (and wouldn't trust) anyone to set my path to happiness. And I don't expect to have the same path as anyone else. Even my wife and I have slightly different views, but thankfully not too different.
The important thing for me, which happened before TAM, was to throw off the 'romantic Hollywood' view.
What TAM does is show problems, mistaken views, techniques and encouragement. I love reading others success stories, but don't think I can necessarily follow the same path. Setting and following my dreams is up to me.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

arbitrator said:


> * Sorry, SA ~ but I have just about reached that very decision in life!
> 
> After two decisively failed and flawed marriages due to infidelity, learning how to retrust another potential partner again seems all but impossible!*


I'm sorry Arbitrator.. but you never know.. one of my best friends was single for 15 yrs.. she had such bad experiences with men. 1st guy got her pregnant, he was gone, never even wanted to see his son (we call him our 6th son).... 2nd man got her pregnant, married her, adopted her 1st son.. only to treat him badly , not like the 2 kids they had.... then she found pictures of him with another in her own bed.. that was the end.. 

She met up with a guy who was cheated on, he came home one day -to his wife completely GONE.. seems she was saving up for years for this exit strategy.... I can only go by the story she has told me about his ex , of course, but it really sounded like she married him so he could pay for her debts.. he worked all the time, she squandered his money.. 

Anyway... as you can imagine BOTH of them were BROKEN-gave up on Love.. but ya know.. sometimes you find it [email protected]#$ 

I was her Maid Of Honor 2 yrs ago... unfortunately she was in a bad accident last Nov..and it's been tough... but the love they have for each other has been stronger than anything they ever experienced before.. they are both very THANKFUL.. Inspiring for ME to see...as I always wanted this dear friend to find a good man. 

So you never know.. they have helped each other get through.. Both christians too !


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

TAM has certainly made me feel that I am not alone in a sexless marriage. Its good to be able to read other peoples stories and what they have done to try and make their marriage work. Its also good just to be able to come on here to 'vent'.

What I have found though is that for many people here life is simply 'black and white'. 
Sexless marriage? Divorce. 
Stay because of the children? They will see right through you. 
You had an affair? You will rot in hell..you adulteror

We are all human...we have all done things we might later regret...we all have our needs.

I have often asked who is guilty; the homeless, penniless and starving person who steals a loaf of bread from a store or the 19yr old who steals the latest IPhone from the local Apple store.
They are both as guilty as each other. They have both committed the offence of theft.
However, in reality a cop (and store) would let the homeless man off but arrest the IPhone thief.

It would be nice if more people on TAM were perhaps a bit more understanding....saying; 'Whilst what you did was wrong, I can understand why you did it'...

Life is not black and white....there is a big grey area (50 shades!) in the middle.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

I definitely have become more cynical about relationships. I'm much more aware now and I have to accept that I have been complicit in relationship issues throughout my life. 

I came here specifically because my ex cheated. I was in such a state that first week I hit the net looking for help an I landed here. 

The truth is I stumbled into relationships. It was all about sex. Sexual attraction to kick things off and then work the rest out later. I was not smart; I was needy. 

TAM opened my eyes up to me which is the big one - the key thing. But with this journey has come a certain negativity about bonding. I honestly have just about given up on any type of deep connection with a woman. I dream about sex daily and that's about it.

The truth is that despite my new appearance and increased level of fitness I am invisible to women. That's how it feels. Younger women, right up to mid forties don't give a plus 50 man any thought, or hint of a whiff of interest. It's just not there. And same age or older woman give off even more neutral vibes. In the circles I walk in nothing is happening. If I want action I'm going to have to pay for it and that I will not do.

It's probably an age thing as well. Don't get me wrong, I had my moments briefly a while back and I am rip roaring ready to go but after a long drought you shift into a kind of pi**ed off neutral state. Much like when the candy store was closed in my previous life but minus the raw slap in the face from the gatekeeper.

My time here on TAM has exposed me to the depth of betrayal out there and a million other issues. It now all feels like too much hard work I suppose.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

askari said:


> TAM has certainly made me feel that I am not alone in a sexless marriage. Its good to be able to read other peoples stories and what they have done to try and make their marriage work. Its also good just to be able to come on here to 'vent'.
> 
> What I have found though is that for many people here life is simply 'black and white'.
> Sexless marriage? Divorce.
> ...


I think there's quite a difference between some TAM sections. There are many very insightful posts and threads from those who have cheated. I think that input is extremely valuable and much of it comes from some good folk.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> So thoughts, has TAM altered your views of relationship, or maybe even how you view men/women in general based on how they may be portrayed here?


It makes me really grateful for the father who raised me and the husband I now get to be married to. What people think "men" are supposed to be like and "women" are supposed to be like is nothing like my experience. I am glad to have met someone who does not share this group think.


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## Anooniemouse (May 5, 2010)

Its definitely opened my eyes a little wider and ears a little wider dealing with any potential romantic or sexual partner. I have a lot tighter boundaries, and am probably a lot more demanding in what I seek. I am a little more paranoid now in part because of my time here. This is not just because my own marriage didn't work out; although she is trying to reconcile. I've realized a lot of people do some pretty nasty things simply because they have some need (often unexpressed) that isn't being met, and if it is one of those unexpressed needs (or something you didn't do due diligence on by talking with their long term friends enough) you can end up with some pretty nasty blindsides. 

My opinion of women isn't really any better or worse than before. However, I see a bit more when I'm dealing with them that gives me pause. What I trust in or believe that is said to me is much lower. It was low to begin with much of the time, I just had purposeful blinders on to it that ultimately contributed to the end of my marriage. My view of men is a little worse, but that is because I never dated any men and never wanted to see that much from the other side of it. We have our moments of being pretty clueless. OTOH, I don't know many men who plan out their divorce years in advance of the date that didn't walk into it with a prenup. I've talked to several women who have. 

If anything, I hope I see things more clearly. I do think there is potential for a corrosive effect if one spends too much time in the places that tend to focus more on the negatives -- even if the eventual goal is positive.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

TAM is responsible for opening my eyes to many things. I had no idea I was so naive. I did not understand women, relationships, marriage, the everyday dynamics between men and women as well as man and wife. I have learned much here in the last 3 years that I wish I had know decades ago.

I am still trying to sort it all out and I know there is a great deal more to learn. The last few years have been a bit more than humbling but it has been necessary. Here are some of the things that have happened since I have been Absorbing what is TAM.

1. I used to think I was a nice guy and that this was good. I now find it impossible to really understand how to strike a balance under that definition and still feel good about myself. I do believe most women like guys that are a*holes, my wife included. She still pines over the one that used her like a piece of meat and dumped her. Thank God I came along to pick up the pieces right.

2. I never recognized how much of an influence my parents were in my own marriage. I love my Mom and Dad but they were horrible examples as husband and wife. As a result all of my siblings have had similar challenges with our wives being frustrated with us because we are not more dominant in the relationship. It took me 29 years to figure this out.

3. VAR's never lie. Remember the "VAR's be careful what you wish for thread"? I am glad I know what I know rather than walk about with a stupid happy go lucky grin on my face like I did for 25 years. I am still shocked about the things my wife has told her BFF in regards to our relationship. I still love my wife but those things tore a chunk of my soul away. It is never coming back.

4. If I ever found myself single I would never get married again and I doubt I would even date. It really is not fair but there has been a paradigm shift in our society and I think relationships and roles are more confusing than they have ever been. Do not get me wrong I love women. By and large they are prettier, smell better and are more fun to talk to than guys but as I reflect on the relationships I have had (granted they are few) none of them have been very satisfying.


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## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

TAM taught me to spot Red Flags
TAM taught me how to snoop
TAM taught me how to keep my mouth shut and how to confront
TAM taught me how to me a better man (thank you As Good As It Gets)
TAM taught me how to be a better husband
TAM taught me how to make my wife a better wife
TAM taught me how to increase our sex life
TAM has taken a lot of my time!!!!!!!!!

Thank you to all the posters here for opening my eyes to whats going on under the covers.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Simplyamorous said*:* I am so mad at myself for loosing this old poem I had .. I used to carry it around in my purse - lost it...but it was all about how there was A TIME when people hung on to what they had, if it was broken, they fixed it, they painted it, they took care of it .. we didn't throw everything away -like we do today & buy new.. (It's become a disposable society)....and it tied this in with relationships somehow.. Darn it , I tried to find it online.. but I can't*..:frown2:





NotEasy said:


> *So you disposed of a poem about not disposing of things. Where is the smilie for irony?
> "Disposable society" upsets me too*, my wife often wants to upgrade things and I half jokingly ask when she will trade me in. At first she didn't understand the joke, now she makes jokes about poor trade in value.
> I also worried that a similar disposable society attitude would pervade TAM, blokes wanting to upgrade their wife for a newer model etc. Not an attitude I want to pick up. Thankfully that seems to be rare here.


 @technovelist @EllisRedding
I FOUND it today!!.. So excited.. I had to find this thread ...







...

I knew I didn't get rid of it... I was going through photo albums looking for the pics I want to use for decorating Poster boards for 2nd sons Grad party.. and there it was on a back page.. laminated & all... I really liked this...(even if I was born in the 60's when the Beatles & Stones were causing women to loose their minds)..


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

TAM has given me much more awareness of personal relationships and behaviors that people exhibit. So, yes it has affected my view of romantic relationships.

It's amazing how people can be with a person and yet not realize or care about the damage they are doing.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

TAM confirmed my belief that many married couples are nothing more than strangers cohabitating and living parallel lives. Growing more distant from each other as time goes by.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Any view of relationships that you formed from time here would be akin to making judgments about the general health of a population by visiting a methadone clinic.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

morituri said:


> TAM confirmed my belief that many married couples are nothing more than strangers cohabitating and living parallel lives. Growing more distant from each other as time goes by.


which is entirely their own fault if they allow that to happen.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I don't think TAM changed my views on relationships as much as it is that I found this site because my view of relationships had already changed.

In regards to the ice cream, I enjoy mine in a bowl of hot oatmeal


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

The short answer: yes.

The longer answer: Of course I knew of the existence of infidelity, sexless marriages, and the other types of pathology on display here. But before reading hundreds of threads here, I certainly didn't have the skills to be able to tell that a WS is cheating from a few sentences posted by the BS. I do now, with 100% accuracy on the threads that I have read recently.

So I guess I should go into relationship counseling as my next career? :smile2:


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Constable Odo said:


> I believe most people come to this site .. they have some type of underlying problem or issue in their relationship which they want to get advice about, or read about others' problems/solutions to apply to their own situation, etc.
> 
> Very few people are out there saying "my marriage is great! I want to go online and help others having problems in their marriage!".
> 
> As such, this site has a disproportionately high "negative" rate when it comes to postings related to relationships.


Very true, but expected with a site like this. Misery loves company and all that.



> Fortunately, I smell the good every day when I wake up in the morning at 5am and my SO's hair is in my face. I see the good every day when the soft morning light filters through the curtains and illuminates her face as she is sleeping. I feel the good every day, when I return home after a long day at work, and my SO greets me with a hug. I hear the good every day when she asks me how my day went, and engages me in interesting discussion about TAM postings she read during the day. I taste the good every day, when she makes a delicious carrot and colander soup, with steamed spinach for supper.
> 
> 
> That is the good in a relationship, and not something you are going to read, or experience on TAM.


I thought this was great. I have also posted the good that has come out of my experience, but to your point, most people don't want (or aren't ready) to read it. I think it reminds them of what they don't have.

Significant learnings from TAM, I have two:

1. People need to heed the warning signs of their doomed marriage and act sooner, either to repair or end it. I would say people take about 5x longer than needed to end things and move on. This is mostly due to fear and denial.

2. 180. I'm a total 180 groupie. This was the single most effective thing I learned from TAM. This method, more than any other whinging post I made and received sympathetic responses to, gave me the detachment I needed to put an end to what was a horrible marriage for myself, my ex and our wonderful son. Like many, I balked at the method at first, but in the end it was the only thing that worked.

For this reason, now that I am blessed with a wonderful husband and life, I stick around here to give back to those who are still struggling. There really is hope through that door, if only they find the courage to walk through it.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

After reading TAM, I am mostly grateful for what I have. It is far from perfect, but the vile things I read about what people do to the one's they (supposedly) love makes me sick sometimes. I try not to take my marriage for granted, given what I see here.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Not really but it's made me thankful for my husband, that's for sure.


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