# New here - had and ended affair. Overwhelmed with guilt.



## girlfromthecity (Sep 15, 2010)

I can't believe I finally found a forum to discuss this. I need an outlet and really hope to get some advice and hopefully not too many judgments.
I have been married for 7 years. I had an on/off affair for several of those years with another married man from work. Here's the thing: there was no reason for it. We were going through infertility and I was depressed but mostly I just liked the excitement and attention. The guy and I broke up a over year ago, and I was actually sad about it! Here I am with a GREAT husband and 2 small children, and I missed this guy. Well, over the past year I have ended up seeing him a couple of times and we had sex. First, I started freaking out that I had an STD. I had no reason to believe it but one time we had unprotected sex, so I got tested and was negative for everything. Still, the fear started here. We had sex again and this time used complete protection, but it was too overwhelming. I told the man that we had to be 100% over and to not contact me. I deleted him from our chats, etc. so he cannot contact me. He respected my decision and promised that he would not. I love my husband so much and my family, but now I am at the point that I am so so overwhelmingly sad and guilty (husband does not know) that seeing a therapist, a psychiatrist and being on medication is not helping. The therapist and psychiatrist think I am suffering from severe depression and anxiety and when I tell them that I want to tell my husband, they advise against it. They think it is selfish of me to try to alleviate my guilt that way and destroy him. He would definitely end out marriage if he knew. I feel so sad and guilty and I cry all the time, even at work. Meds are not helping. I have certainly had thoughts of suicide. I know I deserve punishment. What should I do? I am drowing and do not know how to be normal. Please help/advise. I really need someone else who went through this to provide me feedback.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

I feel so sorry for your husband. If I knew him I would tell him.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

> The therapist and psychiatrist think I am suffering from severe depression and anxiety and when I tell them that I want to tell my husband, they advise against it.


The standard advice would be find a time to tell your husband, do so when you have the words ready and can show him that you have stopped the affair. Changing jobs would be part of this. He will hurt, as will you. Talk about recovering your love for each other, you rebuilding the trust with him and recovering your marriage.

Do this if you want with a councillor present. 

The words you have written imply the guilt is going to eat you up and eventually destroy your marriage.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Welcome to the forum. First, if you are currently having thoughts of suicide, please tell your psychiatrist so he can review whatever meds you are on.

You will likely, either in this thread or by reading other posts, see both sides of disclosing this to your husband. If I were him, I would want to know because I don't want to be in a marriage where we aren't open and honest with one another, even if the news is bad. At least at that point, I am part of the decision on where to go from here and whether there are things in the marriage that need to be addressed if we decide to move forward.

Others say they would rather not know. You know your husband best. I would think that he must be feeling lost seeing you so depressed and not having any idea why or what he can do to help.


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## girlfromthecity (Sep 15, 2010)

If I tell him, it is over. But perhaps I must do this to give him a choice if he wants to stay with me or not and know the truth. We have small children. That is the only thing that keeps me from suicide. The fact that I have done this to him kills me, I cry every day. I feel like the worst person in the world, and I know that I am. I did not expect any sympathy. Twistedheart, I feel so sorry for him too. I am a bad person, I know that. I will punish myself more than anyone else can.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

My husband was in the beginnings of an affair with a woman he works with...he ended it before it got out of hand and I found out by chance that same day (he had been acting different for a few weeks and accidently left his cell phone on my desk so I checked it)...anyway, I never once thought he was a bad person...rather, I thought our marriage was having some issues, he is human and made a mistake in accepting another woman's attention. It was how he responded once this all came out that mattered...he saw my hurt and was very repentant and remorseful...he consoled me when I needed it and allowed me to work through it on my own timeline...we also spent a lot of time talking about what we needed from our marriage and we are doing really well, three years down the road. What makes you certain it is over if you tell him?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

girlfromthecity said:


> I feel like the worst person in the world, and I know that I am.


You are not the worst person in the world. You have made a serious mistake, one that many in a marriage do. Your feelings of guilt, remorse and sorrow confirms you are not a horrible person. Continue to work with your counselor to get though this difficult time. Your children and husband need you in their lives. As to whether you tell him or not I offer no opinion.


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## girlfromthecity (Sep 15, 2010)

swedish - because he is the type of man who thinks loyalty is everything. it would destroy him. i know he would leave and he would never trust me again. i just know him. but this secret is killing me. thank you for sharing your story. the thing is, our marriage is pretty good right now. not that there is any excuse, but i have NO excuse, really. that's what makes me feel like crap. he didn't abuse me, neglect me, nothing like that. i don't want to lose him, but I deserve it, like twisted said.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Amp makes a great point. There are people who have affairs, yet seem to have no remorse and put blame everywhere but where it belongs, on themselves for making a bad choice. You are owning up fully to your affair and quite honestly, if you can look forward to the positive things you can do now as a wife and mother and see the good you bring to their lives, maybe you will forgive yourself.


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## girlfromthecity (Sep 15, 2010)

These are all interesting perspectives, thank you everyone for sharing your advice and personal experiences. My psychiatrist wants me to be in a logical mental state before making any judgments on this - if I ever get there. I love my husband and my family so much, it was utterly stupid to risk everything for someone I amazingly feel absolutely nothing for anymore. It's getting so bad that when my husband is nice to me (which is often!) I feel worse.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

girlfromthecity said:


> My psychiatrist wants me to be in a logical mental state before making any judgments on this - if I ever get there.


:iagree:
If you do decide at some point to tell him, you need to be in a good frame of mind to deal with the aftermath.


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

I am the husband of a woman who spent 3 years in two serious affairs, and I am SOOO glad she told me. Some men will stay. I did. We are finally truly happy. He has a right to know, he has a right to decide his course of action. Tell him, do so gently, make sure he knows how remourseful you are, how much this is affecting you. Tell him you love him that you want to fix your marriage. Pray for the best, but he absolutely deserves to know.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Girl, You should definitely tell your husband about the affair. Yes it will devastate him, but right now the guilt is destroying both you and the marriage and the fallout will be awful for the kids. The sooner you clear the air, the better for all. My wife admitted to a one time affair, and we could not reconnect, but (aside from the affair) she has done all she could to make amends. It's me who has the trouble, now. My pride and profound mistrust will not let me forgive her. But your husband might be a more forgiving/kinder man than I am.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You don't know for sure that he will end the marriage. Think for a moment. Did you ever think that you would be a cheater? That you had that in you. Nothing is written in stone. Go into the confession thinking that he will end your marriage. But don't be surprised that he actually loves you more then you love him. I mean so far that's the case isn't it?


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

When you commit marriage ending acts it is ridiculous that at some level you don't wish to end or get out of your marriage. You most certainly knew that if he found out, he would leave you. You knew it would be the end. Do you not secretly, sub-consciously want out of your marriage?


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I'm not a woman but here's my .02! I would contemplate confession for 1 reason you don't seem capable of handling the guilt of your actions. If this was a normal "I cheated I screwed up I'm so sorry" thread I would say don't say anything remorse is in your actions and in most cases silence is golden if YOU can handle the GUILT. 

In your case! Confession may be your only hope at feeling cleansed good luck!!


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

you are not an adamant person .... every dsihonest act has consequence. someday the consequencies of keeping this affair will come and you will realize this after it comes.

if you are ready for this, it is not a problem.


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