# PLEASE HELP! In Iraq w/ husband



## MrsT2U (Jun 20, 2011)

I'm new here and am really looking for some advice! Here is a brief discription on my situation:

My husband and I had both been stationed at our 1st unit in Korea for about 3-4 months when we met and got married both at the age of 20 (about 1 month between meeting and marrying). He was on the rocks with his girlfriend of about 3 years off/on and i was in the same boat with my boyfriend of only a few months. We got married and immediately had issues with my ex and these issues persisted for some few months before i finally let go. For about a solid month, i couldn't stop trying to communicate with ex, and then after that, I couldnt stop searching him on FB to see what he was up to. I can admit that i was scared and shocked at myself for having randomly gotten married and used my ex as a scape goat just in case i decided i wanted out. We also had issues with this guy i worked with; having inappropriate conversations and leaving my husband at home sick so i could go snowboarding knowing he would be there. My husband hung in there, though i put him through hell, really hurting and destroying his trust in me (from the frickin start). 

So, after spending several months in Korea, we move to TX (mind you, we were on our way to getting to a good place in our marriage) and we find out within 6-7 months we are going to deploy. I'd say about 2-3 months after having moved to TX, i began having problems with my husband. He wants to go out, but won't take me with him, we are fighting, his phone is always attached at his hip... All the while, i have been working at getting my trust back (while he is acting sketchy), yet he is STILL snooping through my phone and computer (which i hate). Needless to say, his secrets fell out. He took off to Austin with his friend and a couple girls to bar hop, he had been talking to his ex (this ex he dated BEFORE the one he was with when we got married) for about 2 months.. 

After everything hit the fan, we started trying to get back on track. Though, we were still kind of fighting, and when we left for Iraq, we agreed to be seperated for a while. He left about a week before I did and when I finally got to Kuwait, he was waiting for me and told me he missed me and didn't want to be seperated. I caved, having super high hopes.

We are down to our last couple months in Iraq, approaching our 2-year anniversary, and throughout this whole deployment it's been like clock work. We are good for about a month or two, then he freaks and threatens me with divorce, i cry and beg and convince him to keep at it with me. At this point, We only fight over dumb stuff. We've never had financial issues, no issues with sex, no kids. I think there is still a certain lack of trust (on both our parts) and there's no telling what his buddies or family is telling him.

Regardless though, there are improvements that we both could/should be making and we aren't. I am stubborn and struggle with simply doing what my husband asks of me (he doesn't ask anything of me that is outrageous or unfair) and I don't think he understands how stupid and belittled he makes me feel when he talks to me sometimes. 

This time, the 'divorce' thing is at it's worse. But as far as I know, he hasn't actually physically done anything to pursue one, but he is maintaining persistantly that he's done. His main reasons are that we are too different, we just don't see eye to eye, he's tired of fighting and things not changing.

*Side note: Our jobs are stressful. He is always go-go-go. He is on a rotation that requires him to travel every week to the same places for the day or night. And when he's not travelling, he's in a meeting or driving someone around or picking them up... And i work in the office and sometimes I am there until 7 or 8 at night, occasionally going on the road.

I can admit that we probably shouldn't have gotten married. But I feel so lucky to have actually fallen in love with my husband instead of the opposite. I also feel like we have so much going for us. But I am tired of being threatened, tired of wondering what I'm doing wrong, tired of taking all the blame, tired of chasing him. Obviously, doing these things hasn't gotten me anywhere I want to be except barely married every couple of months.

At this point, I am dedicated to cutting the communication of for atleast a couple weeks. And, for the remainder of this deployment, I really want to focus on me; getting happy again, laughing, not being so mopy and obsessed with my husband whom I can't control. I'm not confident like I was once, I'm really insecure, my sense of humor barely exhists. I almost can't blame my husband for wanting out, even though I know it's not all me. 

WHAT DO I DO? Do we still have a chance? Is this normal? Am i alone? Is he going to leave me? HELP!!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You both married on the rebound. That's not normal. You're both pretty young (not normal). At least one of you has pursued other partners (not normal). You're in the military (not normal). You're both in a war zone, for Pete's sake. (certainly not normal). Doesn't mean you both can't make this work. Lots of couples in this world don't even get to pick their spouses but they manage to have happy, fulfilled, loving lives. 
Lose your pride and try to swallow your own hurt. Focus your attention on what he needs, how he thinks, his fears, values, etc. If he's smart, he'll focus his attention entirely on you. Deployments are hell on even strong marriages. If nothing else, I hope you both agree to not separate or divorce for at least a year after you get back to the world. Both of you have been affected by the deployment and it's no time to be making major life decisions. The military has loads of marriage retreats, marriage counseling, and other resources. Take advantage of them. It wouldn't hurt for you to honestly spill your heart out to this guy, apologize for the hurt you brought to the marriage (without mentioning his, for now). Tell him what a great guy he is and how honored you are to be his wife, and how committed you are to making it work. Tell him how badly it hurts you when he mentions divorce because you're serious about the relationship and you're in it for the long haul. If you don't get anything else out of this post, get this....it's better to be married than to be right. Saying, "I'm sorry" doesn't cost a dime and it doesn't make you weak. Likewise, forgiveness doesn't cost a dime, either. You aren't perfect, your husband isn't perfect, and no other man or woman on earth is, either. With this guy or any other, marriage is going to sometimes be difficult. All that "happy ever after" stuff was just plain garbage. This may or may not work out. Give it your absolute best. If it fails, at least the effort will have made you a better, smarter, stronger person; worthy of the happy life you seek.


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## MrsT2U (Jun 20, 2011)

Ohh, how I have poured my heart out SO many times and in so many different ways, whch is the irony. Each time we go through this, I try something new. I've tried everything; begging, convincing, being mean, crying, being calm, nice. And like I said, the only place that all of that has ever gotten me is barely married a month or two later! What I haven't tried is space; taking a breather and focusing on myself. I am in such the habit of obsessing over what he's doing, who he's talking to, why this, or why that.. It's exhausting and it's making me miserable. At some moments, I really don't see how it's going to work out at this point. I'm so confused.


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