# He's mad because I wore petal pads...and other issues



## LadyMe123 (Jan 5, 2012)

We are both 47, married 20 yrs., 14 YO daughter. We love each other very much and have fun together. He has told me for several years how I don't "try" in our marriage and how I "don't get it." He has this discussion with me once or twice a year and it usually feels like our world is coming to an end. It is not a big yelling fight. It is usually him telling me what he feels and asking me "what do you do for the relationship" and I sit there, sinking and cringing and think, well...I don't really know. How do I put my finger on what I do? He is a better arguer, the stronger person. With an indefinite memory. He is a motivated person, he is a just do it person. I am not. I am weaker and lazier, which is just a description, not a put down. Just trying to explain how we are. I don’t want to give a bad impression of him. He is a super guy and I am proud of him. 
Anyway, the incident I wanted comments about is this:

NYEve we went to a party at our good friend's house, adults and kids, our daughter brought a friend. I wore tight jeans and a low cut black top without a bra. Other ladies were wearing less provacative tops, sweaters, tshirts, etc. He found out I was wearing silicone petal pads, (pasties, if you will) to cover my nipples. He was mad. I took them off. I was self conscious the rest of the evening.

I like to dress sexy for him, but I don't like my nipples sticking out. I get self conscious. Why can't he give me my comfort?! He says, no one looks, no one notices. OF COURSE they do! And our daughter was there! Am I being too "prude" as he put it. He says I am getting more and more prude.

We are more laid back and looser, more sexual than our friends. I don't mind dressing sexy. But he says I don't do it enough. My sex drive has been very minimal for the past few years. We have sex 3-4 times per month, sometimes more. I am on antidepressant, which might be part of it. But I also get up for work at 4:30 almost every day, get home around 6. I want to veg and be comfortable, especially in colder months. Plus it is hard to have sex with our teenage daughter around. She doesn't go to bed until after 9 and by that time I also want to go to bed. I just don't get horny very often, and he doesn't want to do it if I don't want it. He wants me to want it. It is always great, btw. I don't know what to do to keep him happy. I AM happy. How do I make HIM happy?


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

He doesn't sound like a super guy, he sounds like an a$$! 

Why can't people just accept people for who they are. I mean so what, you wore pasties to cover your nipples, thats a good thing actually, Save the nipple showing for behind closed doors. 

I think part of why he is acting like a a$$ is because you let him. IMO, you shouldn't have taken the pads off, just because he didn't like it and got mad, to bad, thats his own issue.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

What do you do for the relationship? You allow him to have things his own way without any interference from you. He sounds like he would not be able to live with a strong woman because he would fight with her all the time.

As the more easy-going partner, you need to set boundaries about how he will talk to you and treat you. You have taught him that it is OK to disrespect you.

Read No More Mister Nice Guy. Take a look at MEM's thread about temperature.

No More Mr. Nice Guy

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html

Look at the stickies in the Men's Clubhouse. They all apply to you as well. You need to let your husband know that you will not tolerate him treating you like an inferior any longer.


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

He got mad because you, as the mother of a 14 year old girl decided to wear something to cover your nipples? What is he going to say when his daughter wants to dress that way? YOU are her first impression on how a lady should act and the mother of a 14 year old girl shouldn't be running around dressing provocatively in front of her. Now, if it was just the two of you or an adults only party, then you might have "snuck out" that way, but children were there. Good for you for wanting to cover up. Tell him to start thinking like a father.

As far as the sex goes, you would probably want it more if your own needs were met outside of the bedroom. It doesn't sound as if they are.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

When a man is not getting enough sex in a relationship there are a number of ways he reacts. Right now it seems he is angry and its manifesting as unnecessary rage over minimal things. He's not a jerk. He just needs sex. I know because I am there.

And I'm noticing more and more people here blame the spouse for the sexless marriage saying they aren't meeting their spouses needs. That is not my situation and it doesn't sound like it's the op's either. She said she is tired and that there is not a lot of opportunity given the teenaged daughter...That doesn't sound to me like her husband is neglected her needs in any way.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I don't blame you if you don't want to have sex with him that often, not if he is going to act like that. 

You could always try having sex with him more frequently though, then if he is still acting like a jerk you will know its not due to lack of sex, and that he is just a actual jerk. 

If you are 47 then perhaps its due to hormonal changes. You could check with the doc and see.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

sinnister said:


> When a man is not getting enough sex in a relationship there are a number of ways he reacts. Right now it seems he is angry and its manifesting as unnecessary rage over minimal things. He's not a jerk. He just needs sex. I know because I am there.
> 
> And I'm noticing more and more people here blame the spouse for the sexless marriage saying they aren't meeting their spouses needs. That is not my situation and it doesn't sound like it's the op's either. She said she is tired and that there is not a lot of opportunity given the teenaged daughter...That doesn't sound to me like h


No, he's a jerk. Demanding that your wife expose her nipples in public because you're not getting enough at home is not acceptable. It's being a jerk. "Needing sex" is no excuse for acting boorishly.

And I would imagine it's not the kind of behavior that would increase his wife's desire to have sex with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

LadyMe123 said:


> I just don't get horny very often, and he doesn't want to do it if I don't want it. He wants me to want it. It is always great, btw.


First let me say that I think he was being a jerk about the pasties thing. I agree with the poster who said you shouldn't just remove them because he didn't like them. You should have stood up for yourself.

Anyhow, my comment is about the statement above. I just don't get it. The two things seem so contradictory to me. 

I don't get horny very often. It is always great. 

It doesn't really take that much time, it is good for you, it makes your husband happy, it is always great. So why not put more effort into doing it more often?


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I'm 47 with similar stats. I've made the same speech as your husband. he's not mad about your pedals. he's looking for some sign that you're in love with him which he equates to hot sex and open intimacy. he's having a middle age crisis and thinking of other women because time is running out. he probably thinks you gave up and are getting older. let's face it marriage is boring after 20 years. try acting like his new girlfriend instead of his wife if you want to keep him happy. the women here will blast me for saying it but the men my age know it's true.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Enginerd said:


> I'm 47 with similar stats. I've made the same speech as your husband. he's not mad about your pedals. he's looking for some sign that you're in love with him which he equates to hot sex and open intimacy. he's having a middle age crisis and thinking of other women because time is running out. he probably thinks you gave up and are getting older. let's face it marriage is boring after 20 years. try acting like his new girlfriend instead of his wife if you want to keep him happy. the women here will blast me for saying it but the men my age know it's true.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Enginerd is onto something.

I find it amusing that he`s condemned as an "ass" because he likes his wife braless.

The OP seems to have a million excuses for avoiding intimacy.

Maybe that`s the topic that should be discussed before her "wardrobe".


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Enginerd is onto something.
> 
> I find it amusing that he`s condemned as an "ass" because he likes his wife braless.
> 
> ...


Nice effort to re-frame the issue as him simply "liking his wife braless."
Assuming her account is true, he bullied her into exposing her nipples in a public place where she obviously had no desire or intention to do so. He's being condemned as an ass because he is an ass.

Would you also be accepting if he bullied his wife into going topless at the beach when she didn't want to? You know, because he likes his wife topless. Does he get to pick out all her clothes, too? 
At what point, in your book, does a woman have the right to say no to her husband's inappropriate demands?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

FrankKissel said:


> Nice effort to re-frame the issue as him simply "liking his wife braless."
> Assuming her account is true, he bullied her into exposing her nipples in a public place where she obviously had no desire or intention to do so. He's being condemned as an ass because he is an ass.
> 
> Would you also be accepting if he bullied his wife into going topless at the beach when she didn't want to? You know, because he likes his wife topless. Does he get to pick out all her clothes, too?
> ...



I agree that what he did wasn't very loving. However, she says she loves him and is trying make him happy because she is *happy*. Do you think her marriage will prosper if she starts calling him an ass every time he gets controlling? Is it that you want her to be less happy but more of a women in your eyes? Every relationship has as certain dynamic and one size doesn't fit all. There are people who thrive in a Sub/Dom marriage which I personally find very weird. Whom am I to judge if their happy? My wife wouldn't think of wearing low cut blouse or go without a bra but this women has no problem with it so the guy isn't the freaking devil in this situation. He's acting out and he happens to be a dominant man which apparently his wife likes.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

Enginerd said:


> I agree that what he did wasn't very loving. However, she says she loves him and is trying make him happy because she is *happy*. Do you think her marriage will prosper if she starts calling him an ass every time he gets controlling? Is it that you want her to be less happy but more of a women in your eyes? Every relationship has as certain dynamic and one size doesn't fit all. There are people who thrive in a Sub/Dom marriage which I personally find very weird. Whom am I to judge if their happy? My wife wouldn't think of wearing low cut blouse or go without a bra but this women has no problem with it so the guy isn't the freaking devil in this situation. He's acting out and he happens to be a dominant man which apparently his wife likes.


I'd suggest that if she liked his controlling behavior, she wouldn't be here complaining about it and saying he made her do something that made her uncomfortable.

Regarding the dom/sub thing, you're assuming facts not in evidence, counselor. I don't see anywhere she suggests she wants to be controlled or dominated by her husband. Just because she's basically happy in her marriage doesn't mean she's happy with all her husband's behaviors. Her post is proof enough of that.

Will her marriage be happier if she calls him out on his bad behavior? No idea. But I think she'd be better off not being a doormat and acceding to ridiculous demand.

If the situation were reversed, and a man acceded to his wife's demand that he dress in a way that both made him uncomfortable and was not appropriate for the situation, I suspect that a lot of guys here would be saying he just failed a major sh!t test.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

tacoma said:


> Enginerd is onto something.
> 
> I find it amusing that he`s condemned as an "ass" because he likes his wife braless.
> 
> ...


Sex once a week "or more" after 20 years of marriage doesn't sound like she has a million excuses for avoiding sex. Also, there is a time and a place for certain clothing. Would it be acceptable if he wanted her to go braless to a school function or say church? Does she get to dictate that he wear chaps to work because she wants him to? Where's the line here? Say no underwear wearing a skirt on a windy day at sunrise Easter service? She was well within her right to not want her headlights displayed and she WAS braless. 
It sounds to me like he wants to complain about everything. Sexy!


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## LadyMe123 (Jan 5, 2012)

I should have posted a more to the point message about our main problem, rather than focus on an event that sparked a fight. I just feel like he should not have a problem with me wearing the petals.

He really is a good guy. You’re going to have to take my word on that. He does have qualities that might make him look bad, but we all do. There are things about me that would give you a more negative impression of me, as well. I tried to give a bit of background and explain the incident without having to write a book. As far as our sex, we are adventurous, toys, etc. And he is a pleaser, I am sometimes pleasured beyond my capacity. Sex is always good, as I said. It’s that I don’t want it that much that gives him issues with me. And I don’t know how to give him what he needs/wants. He doesn’t want to me to just have sex with him, he wants me to WANT to have sex with him. And I do, just not a lot. I AM attracted to him, and he has the cutest, hardest buttocks, mmmm, and I tell him all the time. But he will say negative things like “I wish you loved me,” or “so you just don’t want me” and that is a SUPER turn off. It is just difficult sometimes to have sex with our daughter around and with my having to get up so early in the morning for work. So many factors interfere. We used to have sex in the closet sometimes when daughter was in the house, but not in a while, the carpet was hard on his knees. Maybe I could create a sexy nook in there with blankets and pillows. It is work, and I guess I have a hard time keeping it up. (And I know it is not all up to me)

There are other issues with us that I might address in other posts. This is just one issue, although I’m sure it is the most major. I just don’t have anyone I feel comfortable talking to about our relationship. And he doesn’t want to go to counseling. He doesn’t believe in therapy. I told him I want to go myself and he says we can’t afford it. Our insurance won’t cover it and I know he’s right about that. But sometimes I think we can’t afford NOT to. Peace


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

She said "I don't know what to do to keep him happy. I AM happy. How do I make HIM happy? He is a motivated person, he is a just do it person. I am not. I am weaker and lazier, which is just a description, not a put down. Just trying to explain how we are. I don’t want to give a bad impression of him. He is a super guy and I am proud of him. 

Seems like overall she accepts his controlling ways but doesn't know how to handle him when he gets out of control or does something inappropriate like the petal incident. In my original post I focused on the possible cause of his behavior and didn't moralize because it serves no purpose. I often see folks here getting all high and mighty and injecting their baggage into a situation but most of them are most likely home alone with their high moral standards.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

FrankKissel said:


> Nice effort to re-frame the issue as him simply "liking his wife braless."
> Assuming her account is true, he bullied her into exposing her nipples in a public place where she obviously had no desire or intention to do so. He's being condemned as an ass because he is an ass.


I wouldn't call going braless "exposing" oneself. And I don't think that men who like braless women are asses. Even if those men get upset when their wives aren't braless.



FrankKissel said:


> Would you also be accepting if he bullied his wife into going topless at the beach when she didn't want to? You know, because he likes his wife topless. Does he get to pick out all her clothes, too?
> At what point, in your book, does a woman have the right to say no to her husband's inappropriate demands?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Now who's reframing with some ridiculous straw men? Would I call the guy an ass if he beat his wife? Sure I would. Is that at issue here? No.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

LadyMe123 said:


> Sex is always good, as I said. It’s that I don’t want it that much that gives him issues with me. And I don’t know how to give him what he needs/wants. He doesn’t want to me to just have sex with him, he wants me to WANT to have sex with him. And I do, just not a lot. I AM attracted to him, and he has the cutest, hardest buttocks, mmmm, and I tell him all the time. But he will say negative things like “I wish you loved me,” or “so you just don’t want me” and that is a SUPER turn off.


Men experience and express love through sex. That's how your husband shows you that he loves you. So, when you don't want sex, he interprets that as you not wanting to express your love for him. Because you want sex less, he sees it as you loving him less. Conversely, you may express your love for him through cooking, which he could care less about. The Five Love Languages would be a good read for the two of you to understand each other better.



LadyMe123 said:


> It is just difficult sometimes to have sex with our daughter around and with my having to get up so early in the morning for work. So many factors interfere. We used to have sex in the closet sometimes when daughter was in the house, but not in a while, the carpet was hard on his knees. Maybe I could create a sexy nook in there with blankets and pillows. It is work, and I guess I have a hard time keeping it up. (And I know it is not all up to me)


When you don't want to do something, it's easy to come up with excuses. If you have to get up early, then go to bed early. If you tell your husband that you would like to go to bed early for the purpose of sex, he will probably join you in bed while it's still light outside.

If you don't want sex while your daughter is in the house, you need to get over that. She's going to be around for a while. You should certainly lock the door and not be very loud. But come on! Even if she has a hint of what's happening, will it really be that traumatic for a teenager to think that married couples sometimes have sex?



LadyMe123 said:


> There are other issues with us that I might address in other posts. This is just one issue, although I’m sure it is the most major. I just don’t have anyone I feel comfortable talking to about our relationship. And he doesn’t want to go to counseling. He doesn’t believe in therapy. I told him I want to go myself and he says we can’t afford it. Our insurance won’t cover it and I know he’s right about that. But sometimes I think we can’t afford NOT to. Peace


There is a lot you can do with websites and books. If the issues you have are enough of a problem, tell your husband that counseling is a whole lot cheaper than divorce.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

My husband would not be pleased if I was dressing like a streetwalker. He feels that certain parts of my body are too precious to put on display, for other men to stare at.

I have a large chest so going braless is a no-no, whether I am with my husband or not. If I tried to dress like that around him, he would certainly ask me to cover up a little. It's okay, because my husband will change his outfits if I have any issues with them.

Based on the information given about the OP's sex life, I disagree that she is a prude who is depriving her husband. He is being selfish and inconsiderate!


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> I wouldn't call going braless "exposing" oneself. And I don't think that men who like braless women are asses. Even if those men get upset when their wives aren't braless.


Re-read her post. She said by removing those things, her nipples were exposed for all to see ... including her daughter. 
Classy.




> Now who's reframing with some ridiculous straw men? Would I call the guy an ass if he beat his wife? Sure I would. Is that at issue here? No.


Do you know what a straw man is? Apparently not. Had you suggested a slippery slope, you could be on to something. But even then, not really.
Instead, I was simply asking the poster to what extent he believes a husband has a right to control his wife's appearance.
Apparently requiring that she expose her nipples in public is OK with that poster. I simply inquired about a logical extension of that, curious as to where he believe's a husband's control over his wife's appearance ends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

I'm in a similar situation as your husband - I want my wife to desire me more often than she does. I think she feels as you do - loves me, does desire me, just not as often as I would like. The result is get my feelings hurt, feel unattractive, undesirable, etc.

I think the best plan for you would be just to tell him that you are just wired to desire hot sex every week or two, but sex doesn't have to be off the charts every time. That you like just to bond and feel close to him too, and if you could augment with more quickies, that would suit you fine.

Basically, he needs to make it okay in his head to have sex with you in a way where you don't necessarily have an orgasm, without it making him inadequate. Make sense?


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Get a lock for the bedroom door if you don't have one yet.

If you have one....use it so your dd can't enter while you are having sex.

If your dd figures out you are having it say "It is private between my husband and me."

The party situation.....well....he wasn't very nice about that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

chattycathy said:


> Get a lock for the bedroom door if you don't have one yet.
> 
> If you have one....use it so your dd can't enter while you are having sex.
> 
> ...


Also put on music.. it covers noices pretty well. But the stereo/music source no the wall where noise would go through to the next room or hall way.


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## L.M.COYL (Nov 16, 2010)

Wow, I thought initially that your H was mad because you were braless at your neighbour's house (and your daughter was there?), which I could sympathize with. I mean, that's fine if you want to tease each other in private but at your friend's house-seems a bit voyeristic and don't be offended but . . . . what's the term: base? I mean there are 47 year olds in fantastic condition but even they would do well to dress in a dignified manner. Dressing elegantly is MORE of a turn on.:smthumbup:

However, it appears as though he was mad because you had nipple covers on your otherwise unsupported breasts while at your neighbour's NYE party because it was supposed to titilate and arouse him (presumably for later, unless you two had planned on trysting there). :scratchhead:

Perhaps it's time to have your daughter join a bowling league so you two can have some time together. Ah kids - gotta love em'.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

FrankKissel said:


> Re-read her post. She said by removing those things, her nipples were exposed for all to see ... including her daughter.
> Classy.


That's a good idea. I did re-read her post. The word "exposed" wasn't in it. You were the one who introduced that word to this thread.



FrankKissel said:


> Do you know what a straw man is? Apparently not. Had you suggested a slippery slope, you could be on to something. But even then, not really.
> Instead, I was simply asking the poster to what extent he believes a husband has a right to control his wife's appearance.


Arguing against a husband forcing his wife to go topless, when he actually requested she go braless is a pretty classic straw man.

And, insisting that you're not guilty of using one logical fallacy because you are guilty of using another logical fallacy isn't a good way to support your position. You should try not using any logical fallacies.


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

I'd probably be pretty grumpy if I signed up to be a husband and wound up with the sex life of a priest. 

(Not that I'm excusing jerky behavior. But if a spouse's 'jerky' behavior is seen as causing a lack of sex - "I wouldn't want to have sex with him either!" - I think it's fair to construe it the other way too - "I wouldn't want to always be friendly with her either!" It's no easier or harder to be emotionally available than sexually available.)


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> That's a good idea. I did re-read her post. The word "exposed" wasn't in it. You were the one who introduced that word to this thread.


You're right. She didn't use the word 'exposed.' Rather, she stated shewas uncomfortable and didn't like "her nipples sticking out."
Thanks for pointing out that HUGE difference. Cause, you know, they were sticking out, but not exposed.





> Arguing against a husband forcing his wife to go topless, when he actually requested she go braless is a pretty classic straw man.


Reading is a skill. I never argued against a husband forcing a wife to go topless. I asked the poster whether he would find that acceptable.
It appears the only one guilty of a straw man here is you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Flower25 (Jan 9, 2012)

LadyMe123 said:


> I should have posted a more to the point message about our main problem, rather than focus on an event that sparked a fight. I just feel like he should not have a problem with me wearing the petals.


LadyMe--

I wonder if the petals incident was a bit of a misunderstanding?

For a woman - the petals are a practical solution to the real life problem of keeping nipples covered while not wearing a full bra.

For a man? (Not being a man, I admit I am guessing) I wonder if the petals were upsetting to him because it is not an "undergarment" issue...as much as it is "I don't my wife using pasties like a common stripper"? 

For a guy - the issue of covering one's nipples is probably not something to which he gives a lot of thought. Whereas for you -I'm sure it was more of a "What would look best under this blouse?"...bra? camisole? petals?

As to the larger issue...

It is very hard to know how to respond when someone lists your flaws and then expects you to be more desirous. As though you are somehow supposed to be overwhelmed with appreciation at having been critiqued twice a year. (I mean, isn't the semi-annual review something they do at work? And that's NEVER a sexy meeting.)

And it sounds like he _can_ be attractive - he's just not behaving in an attractive manner when he needs to.

Maybe it is a matter of working on your communication?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

FrankKissel said:


> You're right. She didn't use the word 'exposed.' Rather, she stated shewas uncomfortable and didn't like "her nipples sticking out."
> Thanks for pointing out that HUGE difference. Cause, you know, they were sticking out, but not exposed.


You're right. Reading is a skill. And English is a language. And you're having some difficulty with both.

Merriam Webster defines exposed as "open to view." As in, not covered. So, if there was some fabric between the OP's nipples and other people's eyes, they are not exposed. QED

If you're still insisting that braless is the same as topless, then you're either stupid, or being willfully obtuse. I'll be charitable and assume you're just being obtuse.



FrankKissel said:


> Reading is a skill. I never argued against a husband forcing a wife to go topless. I asked the poster whether he would find that acceptable.
> It appears the only one guilty of a straw man here is you.


Now you're just grasping at straws. The only purpose for asking about going topless was to introduce a straw man. The topic hadn't been introduced before.

Are you now claiming that you were just curious, as an aside that had nothing to do with the facts at hand, what another posters view on going topless was? That seems pretty ridiculous.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

hi--
i have a couple of ideas...

my husband dosent like my spanks...he said its kinda like my self confidence is his self confidence. me wearing them is kinda like i look a certain way out in the world, then at home..almost like a lie.


is there a certain guy you have been talking about from woork, or a social gathering??? he may have thought "mad genius", buy making you take off your petals.

every guys woman at the party will hold thier men a lot closer, and will not wanna talk to you much therefore you will have to stay by his side for the entire night.

even if the guys toungs are a waggin..the women will hold tight and shoot daggers at the offending " wh0er",[not saying you are anything even close to that] who dared to show up like that.


or else, he cant stand to see you get any attention, because he is really self concous and best keep you down, then let on that wishes he was a better dresser, or a better dancer, or made more money, or had more hair.

anyone of these, or none of these. just another angle to look at.


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## Westcoastman (Apr 14, 2012)

The good news is he finds you sexy, and you can excite him. The fact that you were braless already probably got him going. For many men this is a big turn. The fact that he had to coax you into it made it even more daring and exciting to him. Having said that, you could have denied his request, but understand it's pushing your limits that makes it a turn on. As long as no one push beyond the "this daring zone" then I'd say good for you guys.


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