# 2 yrs separated and I still hate my wife



## Hapswrld (May 4, 2012)

We have been separated for 2 years and I still hate my wife for having an affair. We do not talk and the just the sight of her makes me angry. I have no contact with her and told her to go F*** herself and told her to contact me by email only. But she refuses and texts or calls me when she needs something. I really am just venting.. is this normal? I raise our kids on my own and I dont need her for anything. She doesnt even pay child support but she always bugs me when she needs something. I had to go and put a battery in her car one day so she could get to work, I had to fix her washing machine, she even asked me for money. I get so mad when I think of her but I can never say no when she needs help. Also we are not divorce yet but I am taking my kids out of state for a job and to be honest to get away from her. I strongly believe that she has no right to my kids as she walked on them as well. She does spend about 10 hours a week with them but I dont see the point that does. I mean she cheated on me and the kids, I dont see why she needs to stay in the children's lives at all. But I do need to move and take that job for better future security for myself and the kids. It's a no brainer for me. Just taking a poll, is it okay to turn down a better future just so the kids can see their mom 10 hours a week?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Hapswrld said:


> We have been separated for 2 years and I still hate my wife for having an affair. We do not talk and the just the sight of her makes me angry. I have no contact with her and told her to go F*** herself and told her to contact me by email only. But she refuses and texts or calls me when she needs something. I really am just venting.. is this normal? I raise our kids on my own and I dont need her for anything. She doesnt even pay child support but she always bugs me when she needs something. I had to go and put a battery in her car one day so she could get to work, I had to fix her washing machine, she even asked me for money. I get so mad when I think of her but I can never say no when she needs help. Also we are not divorce yet but I am taking my kids out of state for a job and to be honest to get away from her. I strongly believe that she has no right to my kids as she walked on them as well. She does spend about 10 hours a week with them but I dont see the point that does. I mean she cheated on me and the kids, I dont see why she needs to stay in the children's lives at all. But I do need to move and take that job for better future security for myself and the kids. It's a no brainer for me. Just taking a poll, is it okay to turn down a better future just so the kids can see their mom 10 hours a week?


Why are you not divorced? Is she living with her AP?

And you did not HAVE to do anything for her, so stop it.

Divorce her and file for 100% custody of the kids. Also start documenting how much time she spends with the kids.


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## Hapswrld (May 4, 2012)

No she lives on her own in her own place. I haven't filed because I can't afford an attorney. I want 100% percent custody but all my free consultations tell me it's not going to happen. California is too women friendly and I do not want to share custody with her at all. I do not think she deserves it to be honest. So I am scared to file myself and maybe have less time with my kids. Also the kids never want to spend the night with her but they do because I am trying to be the good guy. But I am at a point to telling her the kids can't spend the night with her. Is that wrong? I document all the time she spends with them. I don't know, I wish she would just stay out of my life forever to honest.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Custody issues aside, why are you doing stuff for her man? She cheated on you and she calls you to replace the battery on her can and fix stuff? And you do it? Was that some sort of Pavlovian conditioning or something?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Just Say No 

Asking for money is one thing, but fixing her washing machine and being her very own personalized mechanic is just crazy. She manipulates you because she knows you'll fold every time.

Simply go dark on her and stick to the email arrangement.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

OK - does she know that you are moving out of State for a job? Be very careful with that. Since you are still married, she could have you charged with kidnapping if you take them across State lines without her permission (and I mean her written permission). 

You are correct that most courts will not deny a mother access to children unless it can be proven that she is a danger to them.

How old are the kids?


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

Hapswrld said:


> California is too women friendly and I do not want to share custody with her at all.


My ex wife had 75% custody of my two boys and when they got into middle school they wanted to live with me. I filed for a change in custody, went to mediation and won, all without an attourney. I'm not saying that is the best way to go, but don't think for a second you can't go in there and argue the case yourself.

As long as you are doing what you believe is in there best interests and can articulate yourself, you'll be fine.


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## Hapswrld (May 4, 2012)

TDSC60 - kids are 10 and 7. She knows that I am, she told me she that I can't take them. I asked her what she expects me to do and I got no reply from her. I am going to file for divorce in the other state as soon as the children become permanent residence in 6 months of living there. She can go to hell as far as I care. PAULINATION - I have total custody of my kids now and no way will I be able to handle even 50/50 with her. I do everything for them and we do everything with each other. I am active in their lives, we are together 100% of the time.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Hap

You really need to talk to an attorney before you move out of state with the kids and she has you arrested.

And you should D her. Find the money and get it done.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Hapswrld said:


> I had to go and put a battery in her car one day so she could get to work
> 
> ****
> 
> ...


Is someone holding a gun to your head? Whoever that is, they ought to be in jail.

Oh wait...no, that would be you making these choices.

You say you are mad at her...are you absolutely positive you aren't mad at YOURSELF? You hate her because she makes you feel like a doormat, and the more you feel like a doormat, the more you feel compelled to do her these favors.

I strongly recommend *No More Mr. Nice Guy*

and also reading *the 180*

You may also resent her for not stepping up with the children--I'm a woman and I KNOW I would feel that way if it were me. But if she is immature and cold enough to let you have the kids all the time, then they NEED you and this situation is for the best. Yes, children need a mother, but they need one who is PRESENT and if she can't be that for them then it's a crying shame but this is her terrible choice to make.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Hapswrld said:


> We have been separated for 2 years and I still hate my wife for having an affair. We do not talk and the just the sight of her makes me angry. I have no contact with her and told her to go F*** herself and told her to contact me by email only. But she refuses and texts or calls me when she needs something. I really am just venting.. is this normal? I raise our kids on my own and I dont need her for anything. She doesnt even pay child support but she always bugs me when she needs something. I had to go and put a battery in her car one day so she could get to work, I had to fix her washing machine, she even asked me for money. I get so mad when I think of her but I can never say no when she needs help. Also we are not divorce yet but I am taking my kids out of state for a job and to be honest to get away from her. I strongly believe that she has no right to my kids as she walked on them as well. She does spend about 10 hours a week with them but I dont see the point that does. I mean she cheated on me and the kids, I dont see why she needs to stay in the children's lives at all. But I do need to move and take that job for better future security for myself and the kids. It's a no brainer for me. Just taking a poll, is it okay to turn down a better future just so the kids can see their mom 10 hours a week?


CA has no fault divorce law which actually allows you (petitioner) to file the petition for divorce without the need for an attorney. Seems you already won custody, so just complete the legal route. 

Once that is done... I guess you won't be available to help any longer. It may however be in the best interest of the children to at least let your stbxw know where you are so she can visit. I think at minimum that is all you really should worry about.

Best of luck... 

P.S. You may want to get some IC once you have done the legal issues so you can begin to forgive her... don't get me wrong this does not abdicate her actions, it is simply for you. It appears that this is eating you alive.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Go to google, and find the FAMILY CODES, for the state you wanna go to, read, and learn all of your options for your new state, and proceed from there------you just may find you can do this yourself-----if you can't afford an atty, I am sure your wife can't


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> We have been separated for 2 years and I still hate my wife for having an affair. We do not talk and the just the sight of her makes me angry. I have no contact with her and told her to go F*** herself and told her to contact me by email only. But she refuses and texts or calls me when she needs something. I really am just venting.. is this normal? I raise our kids on my own and I dont need her for anything. She doesnt even pay child support but she always bugs me when she needs something. I had to go and put a battery in her car one day so she could get to work, I had to fix her washing machine, she even asked me for money. I get so mad when I think of her but I can never say no when she needs help. Also we are not divorce yet but I am taking my kids out of state for a job and to be honest to get away from her. I strongly believe that she has no right to my kids as she walked on them as well. She does spend about 10 hours a week with them but I dont see the point that does. I mean she cheated on me and the kids, I dont see why she needs to stay in the children's lives at all. But I do need to move and take that job for better future security for myself and the kids. It's a no brainer for me. Just taking a poll, is it okay to turn down a better future just so the kids can see their mom 10 hours a week?


First you are an enabler. You run and do things for her then you resent it

You need to find a way to forgive her SO THAT YOU CAN GET BETTER! The way it is now you are helping her kick your AZZ. *Your refusal to forgive will make you spiritualy and emotionally sick. Get help with this if you need to.*




> Just taking a poll, is it okay to turn down a better future just so the kids can see their mom 10 hours a week?


Do what is best for your children and do what is best for you and get rid of your resentment and anger; you are the one to pay the biggest price for refusing to get help and to forgive for your own good.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

We have been separated for 2 years and I still hate my wife for having an affair. We do not talk and the just the sight of her makes me angry. I have no contact with her and told her to go F*** herself and told her to contact me by email only. But she refuses and texts or calls me when she needs something. I really am just venting.. is this normal? I raise our kids on my own and I dont need her for anything. She doesnt even pay child support but she always bugs me when she needs something. I had to go and put a battery in her car one day so she could get to work, I had to fix her washing machine, she even asked me for money. I get so mad when I think of her but I can never say no when she needs help. Also we are not divorce yet but I am taking my kids out of state for a job and to be honest to get away from her. I strongly believe that she has no right to my kids as she walked on them as well. She does spend about 10 hours a week with them but I dont see the point that does. I mean she cheated on me and the kids, I dont see why she needs to stay in the children's lives at all. But I do need to move and take that job for better future security for myself and the kids. It's a no brainer for me. Just taking a poll, is it okay to turn down a better future just so the kids can see their mom 10 hours a week?

Separated for 2 years - *Still legally married*

She even asked me for money - *Walking paycheck*

I had to fix her washing machine -*Free handy man, nice*

I do everything for the kids - *Free nanny and she can come play mom whenever she wants*


Yep no doubt it. Looks like we have a cuckold here. 

Married, paycheck, wrapped around her finger, and nanny. Wow, except for sex shes got you in her back pocket man! 

Don't hate her because she made a doormat out of you. You should be hating yourself for allowing it to be like this. 

While taking care of the kids is valid, nothing else is.

You didn't *'have'* to do anything, you chose to do it, you chose to be her lackey so don't resent her for your weakness, you need to look inward for that.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Stop being a cuckold. Stop helping her, stop talking with her only if its neccessary and important. have you ever heard of the 180? Stop hating her, stop thinking about hating her. 

Realize that your wife is being deceived. She thinks she is happy or happier than before, she is addicted to the forbidden fruit and has dulled her conscience that she does not realize the damage she has caused. Dont hate her because she is broken. She needs a wakeup call whether youll stick around to help her get it and out of the fog or check out by D and let someone else deal with it. Your call, but try to change the hate into another emotion, anger causes stress, cortisol. Its a bad hormone for us men, eat healthy, take vitamins, focus on yourself and the kids, upgrade yourself to superman for your kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

If I were you guys, I wouldn't be calling the OP names. You should read the "civility and respect", guidelines again. Cuckold is extremely insulting, and the OP didn't come here to be called names.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Hapswrld, before you move out of state, get in touch with a legal aid society or website and see what the laws of YOUR state are in regards to moving the children. In some cases, it is as simple as publishing a public notice in the local paper, stating that the Hapswrld family is relocating, and then, in front of a witness, ask your wife to move with you. If she refuses, then you are not liable to criminal charges. But every state is different, so you will need good legal advice, and there are plenty of Gratis legal assistance orgs. that can give you guidance. As far as doing little things for her, I would continue, because it is showing your kids who is the real parent and who is the deadbeat. But document everything you do and get a receipt for any money you spend. If you give her money , make her sign a receipt also. No free rides.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Badblood said:


> Hapswrld, before you move out of state, get in touch with a legal aid society or website and see what the laws of YOUR state are in regards to moving the children. In some cases, it is as simple as publishing a public notice in the local paper, stating that the Hapswrld family is relocating, and then, in front of a witness, ask your wife to move with you. If she refuses, then you are not liable to criminal charges. But every state is different, so you will need good legal advice, and there are plenty of Gratis legal assistance orgs. that can give you guidance. As far as doing little things for her, I would continue, because it is showing your kids who is the real parent and who is the deadbeat. But document everything you do and get a receipt for any money you spend. If you give her money , make her sign a receipt also. No free rides.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: This is very good advice. You don't need a survey, just do as is outlined above. Good job Badblood


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You absolutely need legal advice before any move out of State. It will come back to haunt you if you don't do it.

Legal Aid is a great idea smthumbup: Badblood).

Please do not just proceed because you think you have no other choice or just to say FU to your wife. Might feel right now, but you could find yourself in jail and your kids with Social Services. Divorce will be a LOT cheaper.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Ouch! You live in California?
Prepare to be brutally taken advantage of by a state that puts women above men in terms of law. 

You better be prepared for a settlement more like:
She gets the kids, and child support out of you, and if you two have a house, she'll get that. 
Then depending on the marriage, she'll get alimony (which is why you should've divorced BEFORE now, because after 10 years, you owe her alimony until the day you die)

As for your kids:
You can get a paternity test, but honestly I am willing to bet it will hurt you immensly in the end. 
Reason being:
You find out the kids aren't yours. Well, she will get full custody of them because you aren't the daddy. So you will never get to see them unless she dumps them off at your place. 
But you will still be expected to pay and raise her kids.

I would just say, honestly at this point, "Ignorance is bliss." 

But your first course of action:
GET DIVORCED!!!!!!!


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Juicer said:


> Ouch! You live in California?
> Prepare to be brutally taken advantage of by a state that puts women above men in terms of law.
> 
> You better be prepared for a settlement more like:
> ...


Agree with the last statement... you should file ASAP, but disagree with the first set of premises. CA like my state is a "community property" state, which means that if you (i.e. you are estranged wife) are unable to come to an agreement on who gets what the court sells off everything and splits it 50 - 50 which really means the attorney will get 60% of your 50 share. 

As for child custody, don't believe everything you hear... the courts take a huge amount of consideration in terms of what is best for the child. My recommendation read through California Code - Sections: 3024, 3622, 4001, 4050. 

Keep your cool... I know you say how mad you are, but you need to keep it together. The court system will consider your temperament when it comes to who gets custody. Like Badblood suggested, it may be in your best interest to file for joint custody... file a movement for job reason with the court and suggests your ex move as well. If she does not, she gives up her rights. 

You have options.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

You do not need to do anything for her. Doing those things for her is causing you more bitterness and resentment towards her. Stop it! U are making your own feelings worse. Not her!

However, growing up without a mothers love (or a fathers love) is a cause of huge underlying anger for children, which is excasserbated by the teenage years. Don't take them away from their mother no matter how little she deserves them. Let them make up their own mind. No job is worth the unhappiness of your children. Absolutely none.

At the very least talk to them and ask if they would be happy moving away for a better job and seeing less of their mum than they do already. They are old enough to have some kind of emotion and opinion on the matter. Take note of what they say, and what they don't say. Take note of the looks on their faces and their body language more than you do their words.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Only one word you need to learn, if it doesn't concern your kids

No.

You learned it at about 1 1/2 years old and you used that like it was the only word you knew back then. Might be time to polish it off again for your wife.

No, bye.

Click


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Badblood said:


> If I were you guys, I wouldn't be calling the OP names. You should read the "civility and respect", guidelines again. Cuckold is extremely insulting, and the OP didn't come here to be called names.


:iagree:


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Oh, and also, she did wrong to you! Not the children. You can fall out of love with your spouse and remain the best parent there is. Take that away from any involvement with the kids. DO NOT DEGRADE THEIR MOTHER'S LOVE! If you do that you hurt only them. To be a child and know that one of your parents does not love u is a mentally abusive thing. If that comes only from her then u have no control. If ANY of that comes from you, you are mentally abusing them also. She ditches you, not her kids. If 10 hours is her choice, if not seeng the children is her choice, then let her dig her own hole. DO NOT HELP HER NO MATTER HOW ILL YOU FEEL OF HER.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Hapswrld said:


> We have been separated for 2 years and I still hate my wife for having an affair. We do not talk and the just the sight of her makes me angry. I have no contact with her and told her to go F*** herself and told her to contact me by email only. But she refuses and texts or calls me when she needs something. I really am just venting.. is this normal? I raise our kids on my own and I dont need her for anything. She doesnt even pay child support but she always bugs me when she needs something. I had to go and put a battery in her car one day so she could get to work, I had to fix her washing machine, she even asked me for money. I get so mad when I think of her but I can never say no when she needs help. Also we are not divorce yet but I am taking my kids out of state for a job and to be honest to get away from her. I strongly believe that she has no right to my kids as she walked on them as well. She does spend about 10 hours a week with them but I dont see the point that does. I mean she cheated on me and the kids, I dont see why she needs to stay in the children's lives at all. But I do need to move and take that job for better future security for myself and the kids. It's a no brainer for me. Just taking a poll, is it okay to turn down a better future just so the kids can see their mom 10 hours a week?


Separation doesn't equal divorce.
Do you turn down the more lucrative job? NO!!
Get the divorce and let her prove she is fit for visitation rights at HER expense.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Badblood said:


> If I were you guys, I wouldn't be calling the OP names. You should read the "civility and respect", guidelines again. Cuckold is extremely insulting, and the OP didn't come here to be called names.


That word alone was the reason for me moving away from where I was living when the bomb was dropped on me.
The guy who said it was addressing me soon after I was served with notice of the impending split. He really didn't like my reaction to it and since I knew that I was likely to hear it more often than my sir name, I fired up the Riv and moved on.
Of course this former acquaintance whom I had once considered a "friend" actually thought I was aware of my ex's activities, but I wrote him off since it was obvious he really didn't "know me".
Nobody likes to hear it, but if you condone your spouses extramarital activities, what better word is there?


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