# Completely new and don't know what to do



## trying_to_move_on (Jun 22, 2012)

So, to start off my stbxw and i are recently separated. I was having issues going to school which led to financial issues that I hid from her for 2 years. Obviously, a really hurtful thing. However at the time I just kept thinking if only I could make up the money somehow and then everything would be good.
Everything came out in the open about what I had done. Sadly, what I had done also came around the time of the birth of our daughter. I am in no ways happy, or proud of what I did. I don't blame her for wanting out.

I guess what I am having the hardest time dealing with is that she kicked me out at the end of april, and began seeing some guy a few weeks later. She claims he is just there for emotional support, but in all reality he is her bf. I mean she calls him late at night almost every night and she has seen him over 6 times in less than a month.

I still love her with all of my heart, she is obviously over me, and I just need to get beyond her, but I can't even sleep at night. I obsess over everything I did wrong and over everything she is doing in life. I started seeing a psychologist for depression before she found out about what I had done.

Anyways, she really is an awesome person which is why i am having such difficulty dealing with this. If anyone has any advice, I am all ears. I have tried going out and joining groups and as long as I am busy I am fine. but the minute i go to my room to sleep, i just get depress.

Thank you.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

trying_to_move_on said:


> So, to start off my stbxw and i are recently separated. I was having issues going to school which led to financial issues that I hid from her for 2 years. Obviously, a really hurtful thing. However at the time I just kept thinking if only I could make up the money somehow and then everything would be good.
> Everything came out in the open about what I had done. Sadly, what I had done also came around the time of the birth of our daughter. I am in no ways happy, or proud of what I did. I don't blame her for wanting out.
> 
> I guess what I am having the hardest time dealing with is that she kicked me out at the end of april, and began seeing some guy a few weeks later. She claims he is just there for emotional support, but in all reality he is her bf. I mean she calls him late at night almost every night and she has seen him over 6 times in less than a month.
> ...


Read my threads & the advice given, I had started a few threads followed up by one long one, see where I started like you & where I'm at now, felt/feel the same way, READ & learn, we are all here to help you along this journey through hell, the never ending roller coaster, I'm 9 weeks in, I'm stronger now, though I still vent my bad days from the sniveling mess I was,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Just because she told you to move out ... you should not have done that. It's hard to fix a marriage if you are not with her.

Legally the house she lives in is till your marital home and you still have 100% legal right to live there. If you can move back in. Sure she will get angry. Oh well. 

How do you afford living on your own now if you are in financial trouble? Isn't this putting a lot of financial burden on your family?

Does she work outside the home? Was she contributing to your financial support while you were in school? Or were you supporting her even though you were in school?


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## trying_to_move_on (Jun 22, 2012)

Well a few years ago we sold our home and started renting. pathetically i am living with my folks so if anything it releives the burden. I haven't had income since i left the navy in 2006.

I mean, i completely get I wasn't the greatest husband.

She was the sole provider of income for the last 6 years.

I don't think our relationship is fixable anymore. Tonight, she wasn't answering my calls or texts and she has my daughter. So, I was worried that something was wrong. turns out he was there.

i am so pissed that he was there in the room right next to where my daughter was sleeping. I have no idea what i can do. or what i should do.

So if I wanted to, she can't stop me from moving back in? Part of me really wants to until the divorce is finalized just to keep her OM out of there and away from my daughter for as long as i can.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Legally it's the your family residence. You get mail there right? Is your name on the lease?

There is no way she should be bringing men around your child so soon. It's not good for your daughter to see and it's not safe. The largest potential abuser of children is their mother's boyfriend. There are child abusers who seek out women in situations just like your wife is in.... women in emotional turmoil with children.

A person should not bring a bf/gf around their child until they are sure that it's a long term relationship... probably 1-2 years of dating.

Why haven't you worked since 2006?


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## trying_to_move_on (Jun 22, 2012)

I haven't worked since then because i was going to school. After two years i got depressed and had a very hard time attending classes. to the point where i withdrew from 4 semesters and didn't tell. Since I was getting the GI bill, the government came after us for the money. it ended up being 12k. After that I jumped around to a couple of different colleges, never really getting out of my depressed funk.

Yes my name is on the lease and I get mail there. I am telling her tomorrow that I am moving back in on monday, because I don't want him there. She obviously didn't get it when I asked her to promise me that much at least.

She claims she only does it when my daughter is asleep. My daughter told me there was a guy there who kept saying my ex's name. Granted my daughter is only 2 and I didn't believe her at first... but now.. it just really pisses me off.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok so that's some serious lying to your wife. I find it amazing that she did not figure out for herself that you were not in school. 

Are you out of the depressed funk now?

If you name is on the lease it's as much your house as hers. Though I gues she's paying for it.

Children do not make up things like that. They tend to tell what they hear/see.


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## trying_to_move_on (Jun 22, 2012)

Yes I know that is some serious lying. I am not trying to pretend otherwise. Yes the atmosphere wasn't great for talking, every time i did anything that slightly upset her she threw out the divorce word. Also, she blamed me for leaving her when I was in the navy so i had to "make it up to her" so i spent a good 8 months basically treating her like a queen. *sigh* that got old and at the end of it she still kept her distance. but i have always tried to work on us. i used to ask her to go out on dates, meet me for lunch, go for mini-trips, etc. and she wouldn't. 

Really sometimes I wonder why I even want a relationship with her. But, yes, I am out of my funk now. Oddly enough. I thought i wouldn't be due to whats going on, but my psychologist seems to have really helped.

Yeah I am beginning to realize that children don't lie about that stuff. I mean I didn't think she was lying. I honestly thought she was just confused by her uncle being there, or one of the couples husbands was there.

Anyways, I feel I need to move back in. She has no idea how stupid she is being and every time we make any type of agreement now, she breaks it. Honestly, it hurts a lot that she does this, but if we didn't have a little one I wouldn't care.

Also, as far as my daughter, I don't know what type of questions to ask/how to ask them without leading. Can I ask "Did mommy have a guy over last night?" I mean she understands the question, but doesn't that lead to her thinking there might have been? Originally I asked if anyone was over, because I knew that her uncle and aunt were over, and she said "guy." and i asked whats his name [insert ex's name] and then she volunteered that mommy was making loud noises.

I am honestly trying to move on, because I recognize that she has. But I also want my daughter to be safe.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

trying,
I agree with Elegirl, you need to move back in. To do otherwise is tantamount to abandonment of your daughter. That does not look good in a judge's eyes and in a courtroom is where you are going to end up shortly. I don't know why people move out of the marital home absent abuse. Your wife is the CHEATER, she leaves and you and your daughter stay. She pays child support and you go get a job so you can support yourself and your daughter, even if it's minimum wage. Why did you leave the Navy? That was not a good idea, but I am an active duty Senior Chief so I am a little prejudice.


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## trying_to_move_on (Jun 22, 2012)

Married in VA said:


> trying,
> I agree with Elegirl, you need to move back in. To do otherwise is tantamount to abandonment of your daughter. That does not look good in a judge's eyes and in a courtroom is where you are going to end up shortly. I don't know why people move out of the marital home absent abuse. Your wife is the CHEATER, she leaves and you and your daughter stay. She pays child support and you go get a job so you can support yourself and your daughter, even if it's minimum wage. Why did you leave the Navy? That was not a good idea, but I am an active duty Senior Chief so I am a little prejudice.


well, as of right now I watch my daughter 4 days a week since I go to school... So I really hope that isn't viewed as abandonment. I think it would kill me if that were the case.

As far as leaving the navy, i was an e5 navet ss. On my last west pac, my co said he would spot promote if i qualified as anav - i refused because i wanted a life where i could stay at home more with my wife and start a family. little did I know that is when my hell would begin. And it wasn't until last night that i still wanted to reconcile with her. But for whatever reason, her having that man in the apt. when my daughter was there, just caused something inside of me to snap.

Yeah.. I moved out because we were constantly arguing and I don't want my daughter to go through that. I don't want her to sit through that. I appreciate all of the advice. I know there are plenty of people in similar situations to mine. But, we were going to do an amicable divorce still think we might. I don't need this to drag out for no stupid reason. But i am definitely going to a different lawyer than she is just for legal advice.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Other then moving right back into the house, keep a journal of how much time/activities you're doing with your daughter and how little time your wife spends with her. Start this right away and keep doing it till the divorce is over. Go for a full custody.


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