# Would anything actually Change?



## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Since I have been here I have noticed that there is a larger number of of men who are of the opinion that their wives are not providing them with enough sex , whether for known and verifiable legitimate, accepted reason for for reasons they feel could be removed, than women who feel the same. 

I have a few questions about this 

1 Am I correct in this deduction and if I am, is it because us girls are so mean to our husbands or is it because more men like to complain than women and it makes figure look bad for women? 

2 If it were that a lot more sex starts to happen in the homes and couples no longer have to worry about its shortage, would the level of happiness actually increase? Would arguments reduce? Would there be a noticeable difference to how couples live their lives in their homes? 

3 Would we just find some other point to cause us unrest in the home? 

I have some thoughts but I would like to hear what others think. thank you.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

MaiChi said:


> 2 If it were that a lot more sex starts to happen in the homes and couples no longer have to worry about its shortage, would the level of happiness actually increase? Would arguments reduce? Would there be a noticeable difference to how couples live their lives in their homes?


Not exactly sure what you’re getting at but I’ll go with YES.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

CharlieParker said:


> Not exactly sure what you’re getting at but I’ll go with YES.


I am asking if how a lot of people feel would actually change if the amount of sex they are having with their partners increased. The only person I have ever heard complaining about too much sex is our mechanic who is also a family friend. He was asking my husband for advice his wife who sometimes asks him to meet her at home for lunch so they can have sex.

Otherwise most people seem to want more. Would they actually be happier or would they just find another stressor in the home?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

MaiChi said:


> Since I have been here I have noticed that there is a larger number of of men who are of the opinion that their wives are not providing them with enough sex , whether for known and verifiable legitimate, accepted reason for for reasons they feel could be removed, than women who feel the same.
> 
> I have a few questions about this
> 
> ...


IMO I think you have only found what you are looking for and/or interpreted it in that way. I think the bigger issue is a incompatibility of sex drives. It isn't just not enough, sometimes it is just so much that it becomes rote as opposed to exciting. So I think you are incorrect in your deduction.
OTOH, I think of more partners were willing to compromise that may issues might not become more fatal to a relationship. Removing the resentment arising from disjointed sex lives would probably lead to less resentment elsewhere in a relationship (because at the end of the day, regardless of what Hallmark or Disney says, no one got married to only hold hands, kiss and gaze into each others eyes)
In regards to your question #3, see what I wrote above.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

As one who has lived both sides (enough and not enough... with the same woman) I can safely say that getting enough _does not_ mean finding another stressor or something else to complain about.

In fact, it's quite the opposite... a great sex life means other things which might rightfully draw criticism are easy to overlook or let slide.

It makes life itself better, which benefits both partners.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

MaiChi said:


> Since I have been here I have noticed that there is a larger number of of men who are of the opinion that their wives are not providing them with enough sex , whether for known and verifiable legitimate, accepted reason for for reasons they feel could be removed, than women who feel the same.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I think sex can potentially solve about 90% of couple problems


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> As one who has lived both sides (enough and not enough... with the same woman) I can safely say that getting enough _does not_ mean finding another stressor or something else to complain about.
> 
> In fact, it's quite the opposite... a great sex life means other things which might rightfully draw criticism are easy to overlook or let slide.
> 
> It makes life itself better, which benefits both partners.


I would agree with this. Regular sex makes the emotional connection stronger and the love deeper.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

In reference to number two...I don't know the answer, but I hereby volunteer to vigorously get to the bottom of it.

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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MaiChi said:


> Since I have been here I have noticed that there is a larger number of of men who are of the opinion that their wives are not providing them with enough sex , whether for known and verifiable legitimate, accepted reason for for reasons they feel could be removed, than women who feel the same.
> 
> I have a few questions about this
> 
> 1 Am I correct in this deduction and if I am, is it because us girls are so mean to our husbands or is it because more men like to complain than women and it makes figure look bad for women?


Maybe it's because people who have bad marriages post on message boards.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

MaiChi said:


> Since I have been here I have noticed that there is a larger number of of men who are of the opinion that their wives are not providing them with enough sex , whether for known and verifiable legitimate, accepted reason for for reasons they feel could be removed, than women who feel the same.
> 
> I have a few questions about this
> 
> ...


What you are talking about is men that do not feel loved. 

For better or worse, men in relationships equate sex with love. They will say that they do not, but they do. 

For better or worse, what you are describing in a woman is a woman that has lost interest in her H, for what ever reason. 

What men should equate with love some of the time is desire, and the sex should follow. 

I don't know what to think about woman that feel this way, except that they are tired of their husbands...


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

MaiChi said:


> Since I have been here I have noticed that there is a larger number of of men who are of the opinion that their wives are not providing them with enough sex , whether for known and verifiable legitimate, accepted reason for for reasons they feel could be removed, than women who feel the same.
> 
> I have a few questions about this
> 
> ...


Well, men have what? 10 times the testosterone of women? Therefore, I think it is most likely true that when you poll all the men and all the women you will find there are more undersexed men than undersexed women. Whether it is 90/10 or 75/25 could be argued but it is not say 51/49. 

So, as far as #1 goes there are more men complaining because their are more men to complain. And it isn't because women are are just mean, it is because they are on average different. 

#2, yes of course. I am definitely happier and more agreeable when sex happens at a tolerable frequency. The question of whether my higher level of agreeableness would be enough to sustain the tolerable frequency level is harder to answer. I'd like to try it but so far those periods never last more than a month or two which is not really a fair test. 

#3 I don't think so, at least from the undersexed side. Would the with-holder find something else to complain about, possibly.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

MaiChi said:


> ....1 Am I correct in this deduction and if I am, is it because us girls are so mean to our husbands or is it because more men like to complain than women and it makes figure look bad for women?
> 
> 2 If it were that a lot more sex starts to happen in the homes and couples no longer have to worry about its shortage, would the level of happiness actually increase? Would arguments reduce? Would there be a noticeable difference to how couples live their lives in their homes?
> 
> ...





MaiChi said:


> I am asking *if how a lot of people feel would actually change if the amount of sex they are having with their partners increased*. The only person I have ever heard complaining about too much sex is our mechanic who is also a family friend. He was asking my husband for advice his wife who sometimes asks him to meet her at home for lunch so they can have sex.
> 
> Otherwise most people seem to want more. Would they actually be happier or would they just find another stressor in the home?


In every marriage there is a high demand and low demand for everything partner. I have the higher sex demand/desire in my marriage. My wife has a higher home neatness organization desire. I have a higher watch football on Sunday desire. She has a higher drink white wine desire. There is not right amount of sex, neatness, football watching, or white wine drinking per week in a marriage. It is all about what two people in a marriage can negotiate with each other and find happiness with. Also it changes over time.

Many couples report sex frequency changes radically after children are born (Duh). My wife when the local team went to the NFL playoffs, started to want to watch football on TV more than I normally did. 

So to answer Q1, some women are higher demand than their husbands, so it is not gender specific. MW Davis book the sex starved wife, is a good documentation of this.

I think that the comment about some feel that sex is an expression of love is spot on. For me, sex and intimacy are intertwined and I want my wife of 47+ years to sexually desire me. I want that feeling of being desire and the emotional bonding that comes from sex hormones that are released in vigorous sex. The more the sex, the more the hormone release and the stronger the feeling of bonding. It is nature's way.

Also, for me, I want sex with my long term life partner to be "special" I mean if I am not going to cheat on her, then the sex between us really should be special and something I would not (could not) get from any other woman. 

So to answer Q2, yes I would expect with close emotional bonding and intimacy arguments would be less and happiness would be more (as long as both partners are into the added sex and it is not something that one is forcing on the other).


As to Q3, would you find something else to fight about? Yes, but probably not as destructively to the marriage. When I was in a sex starved marriage with my wife.....we had conflict over sex. When we found (negotiated with the help of a sex therapist) a solution, we didn't immediately start having conflict over other things. We do periodically have conflict over neatness in the house, who has to clean up what, who needs to fix this or that around the house, but they are minor in comparison.

One of the things you really need to understand is that marriage is hard. According to David Schnarch it is the hardest thing two people can do, if they do it right. It is a people growing institution like no other. What he points out is that two different people come together and they have to respect the desires of their partner. So they develop some compromises. Then they each change or "mature." Maybe the change is because of the introduction of children to the marriage that need to be cared for. Maybe it is a job or promotion that forces one partner to have to change behaviors. Maybe it is more or less money and differences in what is possible to spend it on. Maybe it is physical change in one partner (hormonal, weight, medical condition, normal aging) that forces changes in the status quo on the couple.

What you can be sure of is that there will be change in your marriage and that change will create relationship stress over the entire marriage. Unless you ignore it you will have to deal with it. But sex helps build and emotional bridge. That is why it is often called "making love" as opposed to just "F"ing.

Good luck.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> As one who has lived both sides (enough and not enough... with the same woman) I can safely say that getting enough _does not_ mean finding another stressor or something else to complain about.
> 
> In fact, it's quite the opposite... a great sex life means other things which might rightfully draw criticism are easy to overlook or let slide.
> 
> It makes life itself better, which benefits both partners.


I completely agree with this. Same boat as Rocky, same observations. My relationship is drastically better after the not enough sex issue was corrected. I haven't found something else to complain about and am more willing to let things go.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

I am reading very informative submissions from everyone. Thank you very much.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

You might also want to read the following article as well



> The Difference Between Sex & Love for Men
> By Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW
> Last updated: 8 Jul 2018


https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-difference-between-sex-and-love-for-men/


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

MaiChi said:


> Since I have been here I have noticed that there is a larger number of of men who are of the opinion that their wives are not providing them with enough sex , whether for known and verifiable legitimate, accepted reason for for reasons they feel could be removed, than women who feel the same.
> 
> I have a few questions about this
> 
> ...


Based on personal experience, more sex does not equate to an increase in happiness for every man. I threw everything but the kitchen sink with regards to sex at my ex husband but he had issues with me and the marriage that no amount of it could resolve. Different strokes for different folks. 

It's not a universal truth and should not be assumed as so.


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

MaiChi said:


> Since I have been here I have noticed that there is a larger number of of men who are of the opinion that their wives are not providing them with enough sex , whether for known and verifiable legitimate, accepted reason for for reasons they feel could be removed, than women who feel the same.
> 
> I have a few questions about this
> 
> ...


1. It's a thing. Actually, I know a few women that are in the exact reverse situation where they want more sex and the husband doesn't. No amount of seduction seems to move the needle for these women, but clearly they also have other relationship issues where they're kind of giving up and it seems they've devolved to fighting a lot (maybe because there is no sex and romance.). So I think it's more about mismatched desires with it being more common with Men complaining. I think a lot of this has to do with how simple men are with sex and how not simple women are. Men are simply turned on visually and by hormones (especially if it has been a while.) There's an unbearable buildup there if it happens semi-regularly. Often women's hormonal sex drive changes as they get older or after kids making them almost purely responsive desire with the exception of a few days a month or two. Responsive desire means they have to be excited or interested in something to decide they're interested in being turned on, and that doesn't usually happen often enough for the man. This is highly variable, though. This all assumes the marriage is good and it simply may not be.

Secondly, I think there are a lot of couples that are pretty happy and we're mostly hearing the vocal minority of unhappy ones.

2. Yes, it does change. We were at an 18-year lull. Had really no problems with our sex life for sixteen years and one month it just shut off for about two years. Over the third, at my wit's end and considering, I finally got the balls to talk to her about it and politely and productively suggested we need to fix our sex life. She gave me that look like "what are you talking about?" but seeing as we had sex no more than once a month (up to once every three) and she was often not into it she knew.

So it was fixed. We have sex twice a week, usually. And when we don't, she's sensitive to the fact that I might not be happy with it (it's not always under her control.) It's not a temper tantrum kind of thing where I wine that I haven't gotten any in too long, it's more like "I love being with you and miss you, can we make a little time for each other" and she understands that. And I'm happy. Very happy. Also, the better our sex life, the better we get along and have less disagreements or fights (which fights are super rare anyway.) Once in a while something happens that makes me feel or fear that she's reverting to her old ways, but she identifies and course corrects. She's doing everything right. There are occasional ongoing and enlightening discussions that help me realize where she's coming from and can work with that.

3. Find another point of unrest? Most people I see complain here would like their S/O back and have a good relationship again. I guess some people are inclined to be unhappy no matter what, but I don't think so.

Advice, before I was married, is that its work to keep the flame alive. One would think that if you love the person that should be effortless but it's not. You have to overcome the humdrum of life to remind yourself that this is the person you fell in love with, make time for each other no matter what. It's effort and in a lot of these cases, I think people (or at least one of them) just stop putting in enough effort or the right kind of effort.

Oh, and the biggest fix in our sex life was vitamins. A vitamin deficiency was causing a hormone imbalance, medical issues "down there" and lack of sex drive. I mean she rarely has a (hormone-driven) sex drive but she seems normal again. That wasn't the only fix, but it was a fix for the reasons he was AVOIDING having sex with me (pain) and just never talked to me about it until I pushed. The other 50% was the relationship work, more romance and flirting, and really just a bunch of stuff over a long period of time to rebuild the excitement.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

For me the answer is "yes". I know this because a few times my wife has gone through bursts of sexual interest that lasted months. During those times I was very happy, or relationship seemed closer, more romantic - it felt like being in love. Funny thing she seemed a lot happier too. 

But its presumably partially hormonal, not something she could change. Simply "providing" sex wouldn't be the same. 






MaiChi said:


> I am asking if how a lot of people feel would actually change if the amount of sex they are having with their partners increased. The only person I have ever heard complaining about too much sex is our mechanic who is also a family friend. He was asking my husband for advice his wife who sometimes asks him to meet her at home for lunch so they can have sex.
> 
> Otherwise most people seem to want more. Would they actually be happier or would they just find another stressor in the home?


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## Randy2 (Jul 19, 2016)

About your "3 Would we just find some other point to cause us unrest in the home?"
A few past partners and a few married couples I know seem to "need" unrest in their lives/in their marriages to feel comfortable or to feel whole. I expect many are repeating family/parental patterns, just like some children of alcoholics choose to marry an alcoholic. Some thrive on make-up sex, so generate arguments regularly. Or sex may not be part of it at all. Often times, the subject of unrest seems easily fixable to those outside the relationship, yet remains unfixed. 

So yes, some people will seek out and maintain some issue to complain about, even if the sex/intimacy issue is fixed. I try to avoid those people as much as possible.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

MaiChi said:


> 2 If it were that a lot more sex starts to happen in the homes and couples no longer have to worry about its shortage, would the level of happiness actually increase? Would arguments reduce? Would there be a noticeable difference to how couples live their lives in their homes?


If lack of sex is an issue in the relationship, then yes the level of happiness would tend to increase and lead to a decrease in conflict.

Good relationships are hard work and require significant sacrifice and energy. For me to put in that hard work and expend that energy happily, I need to feel like my needs matter. And, a big part of feeling like my needs matter is getting satisfying sex regularly. If I'm content then I'm energized in my relationship and enthusiastically work to meet the needs of my partner, consistently.

If I don't feel like my needs are being met, then I'll suck it up and continue being a good partner for a while; I understand that life interrupts sometimes. Before too long, I'll say something and watch how she responds. If there's no improvement I'll start doing and being around less, and then I'll start detaching (at which point the relationship is in trouble).

So, in my relationships there's a direct cause and effect between the sex I get and the quality of the relationship, because if I'm getting what I want I make sure she gets what she wants too.

But there's a caveat. I'm the HD partner; the cause and effect relationship I described reflects that view. IME, most ladies accept sex as a relationship requirement and provide a good experience even if not into it. However, some ladies resent it and expect the man to be consistently attentive whether or not he's content. However unreasonable, that's what is expected and an LD lady is not going to be happy if she has to provide it to keep his attention.



MaiChi said:


> 3 Would we just find some other point to cause us unrest in the home?


Again, not if sex was the issue.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> As one who has lived both sides (enough and not enough... with the same woman) I can safely say that getting enough _does not_ mean finding another stressor or something else to complain about.
> 
> In fact, it's quite the opposite... a great sex life means other things which might rightfully draw criticism are easy to overlook or let slide.
> 
> It makes life itself better, which benefits both partners.


I agree that this is how I felt when I was married. During the points in my marriage when I I was satisfied with my sex life, things just seemed to go smoother. I was in a better mood, I felt loved, and things just seemed balanced. 

I don’t mean it to sound like a trade off, because consciously it wasn’t, but if my wife wanted to go on vacation to a place that I wasn’t too crazy about, or if she wanted to invite the in-laws along for goodness sakes, it just wasn’t that big of a deal if it was a time period when sex was satisfying. 

When sex was infrequent and seemed like pulling tiger teeth to get it, I often felt neglected, frustrated, and just not in the best of moods. I wasn’t consciously trying to be contrary, but I think good moods always make a better ingredient for a relationship. Those things I listed above, or even lesser things, could become stressful. It felt like nothing to spend my day off doing things around the house my wife wanted if we were on in the bedroom, but if not, it could feel like more of a chore.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Randy2 said:


> About your "3 Would we just find some other point to cause us unrest in the home?"
> A few past partners and a few married couples I know seem to "need" unrest in their lives/in their marriages to feel comfortable or to feel whole. I expect many are repeating family/parental patterns, just like some children of alcoholics choose to marry an alcoholic. Some thrive on make-up sex, so generate arguments regularly. Or sex may not be part of it at all. Often times, the subject of unrest seems easily fixable to those outside the relationship, yet remains unfixed.
> 
> So yes, some people will seek out and maintain some issue to complain about, even if the sex/intimacy issue is fixed. I try to avoid those people as much as possible.


I think I was grouping most of the sex issues under this banner and thinking that the complaining would not stop even if sex issue was fixed, but I have been made aware of other equally valid point too, that might actually result in improvement of relationship if sex was indeed improved. 
thanks.


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