# I think I figured out the problem(s), finally



## bhappy3 (Feb 4, 2008)

TGolbus said:


> Happy - what exactly is the problem then? Sounds like there are issues in your relationship.... What has you so upset?



The other night I laid in bed and wrote a list of all the things that have upset me about our relationship. I feel like I actually got it all out. I'll put the list up, but a much shortened version...

1. He really took advantage of my womanly giving nature. I gave an inch and he took a mile. An example... we went on a family trip to disney, but he trailered his bike along b/c on the third day at disney, he left to go to Daytona bike week with his buddy. He left our daughter and me standing at the park as he left. Then I had to navigate my way back up to Georgia, with a five year old, to that friend's house (we're from PA). Who does that to their family? There are so many more examples. At the time he justified all of them.

2. He invalidates me all the time. I say left, he says right. I tell him he'll love the movie, and he deliberately hates it. I hate something, he loves it. Devil's advocate, all the time.

3. Sex. I approach him for sex, he denies me (kind of ties into #2). I am crushed and cry my eyes out. The more I wanted it, the quicker he denies. Then an hour later he's ready to go and I'm sure not in the mood anymore... who would reward that behavior? Then he has the nerve to tell me he just wants me to approach him for sex. 

4. His family has never accepted me. In the beginning I was good to them, but they are such a clique and never, to this day, let me in. I have no family of my own. I have no mother figure, no father figure, and certainly no inlaws to fill that void. 

5. We don't entertain ourselves, we always have to go out with friends. If we're alone on a date, we barely talk - in my defense, probably b/c of #2. 

6. There is one sexual thing I have asked for from before we were even a couple, and he gets me to almost that point, then won't let me have it. I'm tired of the tease and I regret that I didn't just take it when I had the chance and deal with his reaction later. I think that's just another power trip just like #2.

7. His hobbies aren't hobbies, they're obsessions and he's incredibly passionate about them. Hunting and softball come way before me/family, and up until about two years ago, he never thought twice about walking out that door and letting me at home with our daughter. 

So there ya have it, that pretty much sums up the major things that bother me. We've been together 14 years and this will be our 10th wedding anniversary in June. It's gone on for 12 of the 14 years... the past two I've really started to crumble and he's starting to scramble a little.

I told him and told him and told him for YEARS that it was going to come to me shutting down. But he never listened (#2 again!). He'd ask me what I need him to do for me, but he'd do it for a week and revert back to his old dumb self. Then it would come up again and I'd tell him again. I'm so tired of saying the same things over and over that I'm not going to say them anymore... he doesn't listen to me anyway, why should I waste my breath? 

I am mad at myself for putting up with it. I am mad at him for doing it. I took off my rings on Wednesday night and haven't put them back on. I told him I was done. I have never taken my rings off for anything! That's when he realized I am serious. He's been kissing my ass for a few months now... he puts out my breakfast for me and helps around the house a little more, but up until Sunday, he hasn't eased up on the softball forum. I want to know why, if he's so serious now about realizing I'm done, why doesn't he do all that he can to learn about relationships and how to fix this instead of buying more bats? 

He tells me that he loves me so much and he could give up those hobbies if I wanted him to. 
~First of all, I am not going to make him give up his hobbies, but the obsession has to stop. 
~Second of all, I can't understand why he says he loves me... does he love the person I used to be that put up with all of that crap? If so, then he doesn't know that he loves the person that isn't going to put up with all of the above. 
~And third ... since life has always been all about him and what he wants to do, then I can't understand why he's not embracing a break up so he doesn't have this annoying ***** in the background slowing him down and getting in the way of his obsessions. 

I tried to keep it as short, but informational as possible.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Going through those numbered points, how many of them are now in the past, and how many are in the present?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

and what happened before all of that? have you looked at any possible causes of his behavior? i will wholeheartedly agree that those things you list are poor actions on his part, but is there anything that may have driven him that direction? 

if i analyzed the current status of my marriage (not that great) i would look way back and watch it unfold to what it has become. i feel driven away from my wife, she probably would argue otherwise but there have been alot of little things that add up to me pushing her away now, she has left me wanting more at this point. i'm not trying to blame you here, but make sure you look at all aspects of the marriage.


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## bhappy3 (Feb 4, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Going through those numbered points, how many of them are now in the past, and how many are in the present?


MT, you're answer comes first, OD, yours comes second

#1 (walked all over me) he's getting under wraps/in the beginning we got pregnant young and he was a little upset about not getting to have his freedom, so I tried to be giving enough to let him have the best of both worlds, only he took the best of his world

#2 (invalidates me) I had just become aware of it and let him know about it a week ago/just his nature I guess...? dunno

#3 (sexual denial) is a moot point because our relationship is in no place to be having sex right now b/c of all the other points/I have had more sexual partners than he has... I was his first, and only long term sexual encounter, maybe he feels novice, but he never responds to stepping it up

#4 (his family) still valid/their religion keeps them closed minded and gossipy

#5 (can't entertain ourselves) we always have more fun when we're out with friends, so still valid/I have no idea

#6 (sexual fantasy) it's not like that one thing can just happen, there are specific criteria that must be met that can't just be created instantly, but if the situation presented itself again, I would just do what I need to do and that's it and he'd just have to accept it/ he's had my fantasy reversed so it suits him... multiple times! So what led him to not let me have it? Probably #2!

#7 (obsessions) up until Sunday, this was still valid/ I dunno, I guess him always thinking everything was ok with our relationship, and him getting to do what he wants. I don't have any hobbies like that, so all spare time is spent on his. One doc suggested he may be OCD. 

We've seen two counselors and right away both of them told him he was selfish. I've done all I can through the years to tell him how much he hurts me when he does those things, but he never listened to me. Why does he listen to me when I'm on the verge of being past the point of no return... when I take off my rings? Another power trip?


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