# Party Nightmares



## LuckyDuck (Nov 2, 2011)

Hello,
Looking to get some outside views on this.
We're set to be married on our 15th anniversary in april 2012 (my idea (the guy)).
4 kids, house, ect ect.
things have had there high and lows.
we have problems, we love each other, we work through them.
So saturday was our friends halloween party.
we go, we drink, she get completely bombed.
According to a good friend she grabbed him and another friend by the crotches. (i'm a very jealous person).
And she kissed a young friend, who everyone says is very good looking (and similar looking to me).
So i'm quite upset at this.
Then come yesterday morning, we download the pictures from the camera, she's straddling the young pretty guy on the couch, kissing, and his hands are on her back, her arms around his neck, running through his hair.
Also, after comming home from the party, we ended up getting intimate, and the first name she says, is ofcourse the young pretty guys, not mine.
So currently, we are seperated, and i'm going to stay in the house for a month or 2 for christmas, and to hopefully easy the children in to a seperated family.
Now, she's saying she doesn't believe she grabbed the 2 guys, that she made a joke due to the 1 guys costume.
and he's over telling the story.
and that kissing and riding the guy was a joke that went to far, and that saying his name during sex was more like a "get away from me" not a "oh baby" kinda thing.
So during our recent fighting, she's brought up things she wasn't happy with in the past that i didn't realize were problems.
i've brought up times of her lying to me.
she's not been happy with my affection level, and did credit that during 1 fight as part of the reason she was kissing him.
I don't see any way to save the relationship, and after finding out how unhappy she's been with many of my "kinky" stuff, i don't think it's even technically a bad thing if we part, we seem less compatible then i thought.
(she's also mentioned she wasn't kissing him to lead to sex or anything)
i'd just like to hear some input from people who are removed from the situation and who aren't friends.
honest opionions.
many thanks.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

She did some inappropriate things at the party. She brought things about you that she doesn't like, but has never told you about them before. Blameshifting!!! 

Check into the cell phone bill for who she is calling and texting. See if something else has been going on for quite some time. Confront her with any evidence you have. If you both want to work it out and save the marriage, go to MC.

Or, if you've really had enough, file for D and move on.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I think you are wise to leave her. Your engaged to a woman who is making out at a party virtually in front of you with another man and calls out his name when you are intimate with her says it all. This really is the ultimate in humiliation and disrespect toward you. Her comment that she was making out with him and kissing and straddling him in front of your friends; and then telling you it was meant not to lead to sex is laughable. Clearly if she was alone with the guy it would have lead to sex. Dingo this in front of your neighbors is just too much. I am sorry but she is really bad news. You are doing the right thing by leaving her. Good luck.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

bryanp said:


> I think you are wise to leave her. Your engaged to a woman who is making out at a party virtually in front of you with another man and calls out his name when you are intimate with her says it all. This really is the ultimate in humiliation and disrespect toward you. Her comment that she was making out with him and kissing and straddling him in front of your friends; and then telling you it was meant not to lead to sex is laughable. Clearly if she was alone with the guy it would have lead to sex. Dingo this in front of your neighbors is just too much. I am sorry but she is really bad news. You are doing the right thing by leaving her. Good luck.



:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## UnwarrantedParanoia (Sep 1, 2011)

LuckyDuck said:


> Hello,
> Looking to get some outside views on this.
> We're set to be married on our 15th anniversary in april 2012 (my idea (the guy)).
> 4 kids, house, ect ect.
> ...


How bombed was she? People do stupid things when they are super drunk & the body responds instinctively to personal pleasures & desires. It lowers your inhibitions to do things you wouldn't do sober. It's not an excuse of course, but it does mean that if you can't control your liquor, you shouldn't drink.

If you love each other, and IF she wants another chance, maybe there is hope for you? Maybe this could be your wake up call to be honest with each other & give each other what you need. SHE CAN NO LONGER DRINK, OF COURSE. (just my 2 cents)


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You're not married, you dodged a huge bullet. Alcohol or no alcohol, the damage has been done. No kids, no ring, no relationship. She can have the younger guy if she wants.


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## DG3 (Jul 13, 2011)

UnwarrantedParanoia said:


> How bombed was she? People do stupid things when they are super drunk & the body responds instinctively to personal pleasures & desires. It lowers your inhibitions to do things you wouldn't do sober. It's not an excuse of course, but it does mean that if you can't control your liquor, you shouldn't drink.
> 
> 
> I really hate when people blame alcohol. The body responds instinctively? Whatever. Funny, my body doesn't do that! There is no excuse at all for cheating. Yes that was cheating.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> You're not married, you dodged a huge bullet. Alcohol or no alcohol, the damage has been done. No kids, no ring, no relationship. She can have the younger guy if she wants.


There are kids, 4 of them.

OP: It's your call, set boundaries. No drinking because obviously she can't handle drinking because she uses it as an excuse to do things that are inappropriate.

MC and IC if it floats your boat (IC did nothing for me - I'm the BS). No contact with these other guys especially the "young pretty one".

Verify verify ...and again verify.

If not - continue on your plan to a smooth as possible transition.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

DG3 said:


> UnwarrantedParanoia said:
> 
> 
> > How bombed was she? People do stupid things when they are super drunk & the body responds instinctively to personal pleasures & desires. It lowers your inhibitions to do things you wouldn't do sober. It's not an excuse of course, but it does mean that if you can't control your liquor, you shouldn't drink.
> ...


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> You're not married, you dodged a huge bullet. Alcohol or no alcohol, the damage has been done. No kids, no ring, no relationship. She can have the younger guy if she wants.


Absolutely agree. Despite the pain(not trying to minimize it for you), you caught a huge break here, finding out before you marry. Head for th hills.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Time out. You've been together 15 years and have 4 kids but aren't married yet? WTF? If you couldn't decide to get married in 15 years, why the heck would you do it now, after this happened?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Wow I totally glossed over the 4 kids part. Damn allergies are screwing with my sinuses and the meds don't help lol.

Well, then you're in for a tough decision here with 4 kids in tow. Is this the only instance that this has ever happened and the only time she's gotten drunk as a skunk? Ask your friends if they've seen or heard anything like this before (not the young looking guy) but the other 2 friends.

If this has happened before, just be up front with your friends that they can tell you anything no matter how much it hurts.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

It floors me that people actually talk about dodging the bullet and run for the hills because he lacks a legal document. If he were living with her for a few yrs as a prelude to marriage and there were no children then he would have no obligation to stay. 

However, when two people have 4 kids and live together for a long time they as obligated to each other and their children as any married couple. The lack of a legal document does not mean that he is free to walk away from his responsibilities to his kids and yes, the woman he has lived with and gave him those kids?

If he was the one to act like a fool at the party how many of you would advise the woman to walk away from him and her kids with a slap on the back about her near miss? Just because he is a man does not make him less responsible for his kids. 

I think you should carefully consider what you must do without reference as to whether the union is legal. 

What she did was inexcusable. You have determine if there is enough positive in the relationship to salvage. It is incumbant on her to recognize the depth of the humiliation and disrepect she showed you and herself. She must atone for what she has done. She must do strafe to you that it will never happen again by what she does and says. 

This partnership is as important and binding as a legal partnership because there are 4 kids involved and a long history of a shared life. Sorry you don't get to walk away frpm your life because there is a problem. 

You owe the 4 children you brought into the would more than you are being advised here. They are your primary concern in your life, not your pride or thinking that you can leave your partner holding the bag or not whether or not you were legally married to the mother of your 4 kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LuckyDuck (Nov 2, 2011)

Hello,
well i see the general idea is same as my insticts.
can never trust again.
i proposed about 6 month before this happened.
we decided to do it on our 15th anniversary (kinda a romatic kinda thing).
i'm 35, she's 33, and we've been friends since i was 17, and dating (and living together) for 15 years in april.

so it's hard to walk away.
but it's hard to imagine this ever going away


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You have not even tried!! Look you have 4 kids and it does not matter what a bunch of stranger say you know what you should do. You may think walking away is easier than working on rebuilding trust but I think you will find that you do the work now or latter in your future relationships. Good luck and don't walk out of your children's lives please. 

I just read your post over again. Is it the fact that she is not into your "kinky" stuff that is driving your desire to leave? Would any woman indulge in the kinky things or stay with a man is is not affectionate? That combination is lethal to long term happiness. If you with hold the affection she needs to feel loved yet demand that your need for kink from her she is likely to feel used. Any woman would under those circumstances. Something to think of, you will not be able to sustain a relationship where your sexual needs are satisfied and your partners needs are ignored if that is indeed a problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

bryanp said:


> I think you are wise to leave her. Your engaged to a woman who is making out at a party virtually in front of you with another man and calls out his name when you are intimate with her says it all. This really is the ultimate in humiliation and disrespect toward you. Her comment that she was making out with him and kissing and straddling him in front of your friends; and then telling you it was meant not to lead to sex is laughable. Clearly if she was alone with the guy it would have lead to sex. Dingo this in front of your neighbors is just too much. I am sorry but she is really bad news. You are doing the right thing by leaving her. Good luck.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Let her goooooooooooo!!

Support the kids. Call off the wedding.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

UnwarrantedParanoia said:


> How bombed was she? *People do stupid things when they are super drunk & the body responds instinctively to personal pleasures & desires.* It lowers your inhibitions to do things you wouldn't do sober. It's not an excuse of course, but it does mean that if you can't control your liquor, you shouldn't drink.
> 
> If you love each other, and IF she wants another chance, maybe there is hope for you? Maybe this could be your wake up call to be honest with each other & give each other what you need. SHE CAN NO LONGER DRINK, OF COURSE. (just my 2 cents)


Just my opinion but I have never been that drunk and I have been very very drunk. Anyone who uses drinking as a nexcuse to act out is one to avoid.


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## LuckyDuck (Nov 2, 2011)

Well no, on the sex part, i thought everything was fine.
but yesterday after all this came about, she said something along the lines of, and i've never complained about ...
i took as she didn't like the same (we've talked more since, and it was her way of showing more of the similarities, not differences)
but that was never the issue.
on the affection, we've been working on improving it, we've known it was a problem, partially due to 4 kids, and long term relationship.
but things have been improving for us.
I do not want to throw out 15 years of my life.
I wasn't sure if i over reacted (i'm very stubborn).
but most people on here atleast seem to think the same as I did.
So we're talking, she's very ashamed, sad, sorry.
i'm still angry and hurt.
I wish i could just blame the alcohol, or that it was "our problems".
but if she was that unhappy that she wanted something from someone else, she should have left.
I think we'll need to call off the wedding no matter what
the kids will be supported and cared for, their well being is the most important thing


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## LuckyDuck (Nov 2, 2011)

I missed the drinking comment on the last run through, yeah if we stay together, i think drinking is definately something that won't be happening again.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I couldn`t handle that level of utter disrespect.

Making out with another man like that with you at the party in front of mutual friends.

She`d be gone.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Just my opinion but I have never been that drunk and I have been very very drunk. Anyone who uses drinking as a nexcuse to act out is one to avoid.


Ever had someone attractive try to engage you in inappropriate sexual activity while you were extremely drunk? You aren't always immediately conscious of the need to stop them. At least that's been my experience during a few of my wilder nights. I had a friend's girlfriend go all out one time. She offered me a foot massage and I said yes, then she stripped down to a sexy thong and gave it to me along with quite the show. Her boyfriend was right there encouraging her and I was so totally wasted I really did not understand how far it was going until her thong was off and it became clear she was offering me her body. I came close but I don't think I ever crossed the line that night. I enjoyed the incredible foot massage, and I always enjoy seeing attractive naked women, but I never had any intent to put myself in that situation and I politely stopped things once I realized the choice in front of me. I never would have made it up against the line if she hadn't been pulling me there, but I also never would have gone as far as I did if I wasn't so incredibly drunk. 
If my girlfriend saw pictures of that night she would have the totally wrong impression about what went on. She would see me smiling while a woman that she knows is displaying herself naked to me or is even touching me, it would look so bad and she would assume the worst.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I couldn`t handle that level of utter disrespect.
> 
> Making out with another man like that with you at the party in front of mutual friends.
> 
> She`d be gone.


Making out while straddling him ...

Grabbing other guys crotches. 

Wow, I bet she can;t wait for her bachelorette party.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

ren said:


> Ever had someone attractive try to engage you in inappropriate sexual activity while you were extremely drunk? You aren't always immediately conscious of the need to stop them. At least that's been my experience during a few of my wilder nights. I had a friend's girlfriend go all out one time. She offered me a foot massage and I said yes, then she stripped down to a sexy thong and gave it to me along with quite the show. Her boyfriend was right there encouraging her and I was so totally wasted I really did not understand how far it was going until her thong was off and it became clear she was offering me her body. I came close but I don't think I ever crossed the line that night. I enjoyed the incredible foot massage, and I always enjoy seeing attractive naked women, but I never had any intent to put myself in that situation and I politely stopped things once I realized the choice in front of me. I never would have made it up against the line if she hadn't been pulling me there, but I also never would have gone as far as I did if I wasn't so incredibly drunk.
> If my girlfriend saw pictures of that night she would have the totally wrong impression about what went on. She would see me smiling while a woman that she knows is displaying herself naked to me or is even touching me, it would look so bad and she would assume the worst.


I have been around. I have learned not to play just the tip. So no excuses whatsoever. We all make choices in life. Choosing to get that drunk is putting oneself at risk. You are responsible for your conduct drunk or sober. She has four freaking kids. Going to get married soon. Getting drunk is not a free pass for bad behavior.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Making out while straddling him ...
> 
> Grabbing other guys crotches.
> 
> Wow, I bet she can;t wait for her bachelorette party.


That's a nightmare.
I didn't even mention the using the pretty guys name while intimate.

I've been married 12 years with three kids and at the very least she'd be out of the house for months until the appropriate amount of remorse was truly felt and I was convinced of it's sincerity.
It would be difficult to convince me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I've been witness to how some people react when they had too much to drink. The gamut runs from the quiet drunk to the Dr Jekill and Mr Hyde drunk. Something tells me that your wife falls into the latter extreme which often do things that to her would be inconceivable while being sober. Mind you that I'm in no way excusing her disrespectful and shameful behavior but just explaining that she may be one of those people that should never have a drink. As Entropy3000 said it so well *"Wow, I bet she can't wait for her bachelorette party."*


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

She screwed around with 3 guys at the party----was on top of a guy, on the couch making out, and grabbing him----where were you????

Her bringing up prior problems, would be just fine---if she WASN'T BLAMESHIFTING---she is trying to justify what she has done

Her saying the other guys name, while having sex with you---is the biggest tip off---it tells you she is thinking about him, and in all actuality---HE WAS IN THAT BED WITH YOU AND HER

Best you walk away, no matter what she says or wants to do----she knew exactly what whe was doing at that party---and to do it blantantly in front of every one---is a complete putdown/disrespect of you

Maybe this was her way of an exit event who knows.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

LuckyDuck said:


> Well no, on the sex part, i thought everything was fine.
> but yesterday after all this came about, she said something along the lines of, and i've never complained about ...
> i took as she didn't like the same (we've talked more since, and it was her way of showing more of the similarities, not differences)
> but that was never the issue.
> ...


What?? Think about it - be honest - has she not requested that affection is important to her? Do you think she should have left you when you would not give her the affection she needed? Didn't she tell you what she wanted? You said it is a problem and that you are working on it. 

You alluded to some similarities with the party activities - does your sexual taste run to involving other men or women? Have you opened any doors that might have lead her to believe you would approve of her activities?

I am not blaming you for her stupidity but trying to help you see that although you are justified in laying the blame on her for her actions, you cannot blame her for pre-existing problems that might have contributed to her stupidity. 

You can listen to all the guys telling you to walk out of male pride but they are not facing the end of 15 yrs of their lives, difficult financial decisions and the disruption of the lives of four children that I assume you love. Moreover, there is the question of your feeling for this woman. I have to assume you love her if you wanted to get married. 

They also don't know the real story, the important parts that you are leaving out that may put a different spin on the situation. 

I am saying that your reaction to leave without even trying to salvage something for the sake of four kids is irresponsible and selfish and more like a petulant teen than a mature man with all of your responsibilities. 

Wounded pride is no reason to bail. If she is a serial crouch grabber, lap dancing alcoholic harlot, that is one thing. You have known her for 15 yrs, what's up?


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

If she was not getting enough affection, she had other options, other than grabbing men's crothces etc.


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## LuckyDuck (Nov 2, 2011)

She's told me she was ok if i fooled around with other women on several occasions. and i said the same to her, i've also mentioned i'd probably kill her and him if it was ever with a guy.
she's kissed and hugged other women before, and i've never had a problem, and i've always been very clear, it would never be a problem with women.
she's tried saying since we knew this guy so well that it's not like she was trying to sleep with him.
she doesn't get that it makes it worse to me.
pride and ego are hard things to ignore


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

She has major moral boundary problems.

And, she's not that into you. If she was, she would not be making out in front of you and doing so with your friends/acquaintances. 

She has broadcasted who she is. Getting married or staying together is not going to make your relationship any better. She had 15 years with you and this is what she has become.

Dont get married. Major issues are what you'll be facing.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

LuckyDuck said:


> She's told me she was ok if i fooled around with other women on several occasions. and i said the same to her, i've also mentioned i'd probably kill her and him if it was ever with a guy.
> she's kissed and hugged other women before, and i've never had a problem, and i've always been very clear, it would never be a problem with women.
> she's tried saying since we knew this guy so well that it's not like she was trying to sleep with him.
> she doesn't get that it makes it worse to me.
> pride and ego are hard things to ignore


Sorry misread your post. Thought you were having sex with other women.


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## LuckyDuck (Nov 2, 2011)

I didn't even finish reading the post.
I have NEVER fooled around on her.
But she has said it was ok with her that i do it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

LuckyDuck said:


> I didn't even finish reading the post.
> I have NEVER fooled around on her.
> *But she has said it was ok with her that i do it.*


This would tell me that my spouse wanted to fool around on me, so by giving me permission, they feel like they have the right to do it as well.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

that_girl said:


> This would tell me that my spouse wanted to fool around on me, so by giving me permission, they feel like they have the right to do it as well.



Bingo! :iagree::iagree:


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

LuckyDuck said:


> She's told me she was ok if i fooled around with other women on several occasions. and i said the same to her, i've also mentioned i'd probably kill her and him if it was ever with a guy.
> she's kissed and hugged other women before, and i've never had a problem, and i've always been very clear, it would never be a problem with women.
> she's tried saying since we knew this guy so well that it's not like she was trying to sleep with him.
> she doesn't get that it makes it worse to me.
> pride and ego are hard things to ignore


Pride and Ego. That trivializes this. Demanding the respect that is due her husband and father of her four children is not reduced to his pride and ego. That is like saying that a man being cuckolded is to be respected because he is not slave to his pride or his ego.

This is not a flaw in the husband. His wife has severely disrespected him. This is not a character flaw in the husband by any means.

That said, a man without pride and self esteem ego is not much of a man is he? Not one that a woman would want anyway.


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## LuckyDuck (Nov 2, 2011)

that's why i stopped reading.
i had a feeling it came off the wrong way.
even with the "ok" from her, i have kissed 2 women. and nothing more. she has (not at my request, and not with me arguing) kissed roughly 10 women.
(and there was a woman at the party and they were kissing earlier in the night (that's not an issue for me, and it's never lead to anything besides 2 women kissing))


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## LuckyDuck (Nov 2, 2011)

that_girl said:


> This would tell me that my spouse wanted to fool around on me, so by giving me permission, they feel like they have the right to do it as well.


i've never looked at it that way before
that is a very interesting insight


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

LuckyDuck said:


> I didn't even finish reading the post.
> I have NEVER fooled around on her.
> But she has said it was ok with her that i do it.


Major RED FLAG. That is very common when the spouse has already been cheating or is waiting for an excuse to cheat. They have already picked out the affair partner. At any rate they have checked out of the marriage.

15 years and four kids and she is this way? Wow. Not good sir.
Train wreck.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

LuckyDuck said:


> that's why i stopped reading.
> i had a feeling it came off the wrong way.
> even with the "ok" from her, i have kissed 2 women. and nothing more. she has (not at my request, and not with me arguing) kissed roughly 10 women.
> (and there was a woman at the party and they were kissing earlier in the night (that's not an issue for me, and it's never lead to anything besides 2 women kissing))


I think of male pride and self-respect as a positive force in leadership and forward thinking for his family. A man with positive qualities of pride would hardly kiss other women at the behest of his partner.

I would think such a man would lose the respect of his partner because he so easily followed her. The story of Adam and Eve comes to mind - your partner beguiled you with hot female on female action and allowed you to make out with other women. While you were following her lead your male pride and self respect were unfurled I suppose. 

Now that you have experienced her activities with a man and it was not a sexual turn-on for you, she is the devil incarnate. What is the difference between her making out with women at a party or men? 

The former is for your excitement and the latter is for her. Women who are not bi make out with other women just to please men. They don't get a charge out of it. What is the difference between her kissing this man and you kissing women? 

The former is for her enjoyment and the latter is for yours. Maybe she got bored of doing everything fort your sexual gratification, who knows. 

What is being glossed over in the rush to demonizing your partner is that you have not provided leadership that your relationship needs. A wise man would have perceived that there is too much at risk for a few seconds of pleasure. 

The way I see it is that you disrespected each other grossly and you failed to provide proper stewardship to your family. While you were enjoying the ultimate male fantasy of a permissive partner that, your allowed the ship with your 4 kids in it to flounder. 

Every aspect of this situation has the taint of misdirected values and selfishness on both your parts. I blame you because you are the man and I see men as natural leaders and protectors and you failed. Your permissiveness led to this, not a flaw in her character. It is a correctable flaw shared equally by both of you. 

Why not take your pride and self-respect that has made an appearance and use it to make things right for your kids. Begin now to provide the leadership and maturity that a man above the age of 30 with 4 kids should have. The partying days are over, time to get serious.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

So its OK if she macs on women. And you've told her that these women she makes out with is A-OK! You shack a girl up for 15 years have four kids, let the wife make out with girls, and you are thinking of calling off the wedding. What a train wreck.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Major RED FLAG. That is very common when the spouse has already been cheating or is waiting for an excuse to cheat. They have already picked out the affair partner. At any rate they have checked out of the marriage.


I have to say this is true from my own personal experience. My first wife and I were living apart, while I was stationed at one air base, while she stayed in her home town finishing college. I remember her telling me it was okay for me to have other women, but just don't fall in love with one. I couldn't understand this, and never even thought about cheating. It was only later that I found out she was cheating on me with a classmate of hers. Years later I finally understood why she told me that: the guy was already making advances on her and she thought about cheating with him, or she was already cheating.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

LuckyDuck said:


> ...
> even with the "ok" from her, i have kissed 2 women. and nothing more. she has (not at my request, and not with me arguing) kissed roughly 10 women.
> (and there was a woman at the party and they were kissing earlier in the night (that's not an issue for me, and it's never lead to anything besides 2 women kissing))


There's your problem! When you blur the boundaries you make them easier to cross. If you two are going to engage in sexual interactions with people outside your relationship you must define exactly what is and is not acceptable. You need to draw explicit lines so that you each know what to expect from the other. You didn't do that, you assumed she knew better. That's a totally reasonable assumption to me and you, but the fact is she didn't know better. If your relationship is going to continue you both must stop assuming boundaries exist until they have been made explicitly clear.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

ren said:


> There's your problem! When you blur the boundaries you make them easier to cross. If you two are going to engage in sexual interactions with people outside your relationship you must define exactly what is and is not acceptable. You need to draw explicit lines so that you each know what to expect from the other. You didn't do that, you assumed she knew better. That's a totally reasonable assumption to me and you, but the fact is she didn't know better. If your relationship is going to continue you both must stop assuming boundaries exist until they have been made explicitly clear.


:iagree:


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## OldSchool (Nov 3, 2011)

Put the marriage plans on hold until you sort it all out. Try and get to the bottom of what is going on with her. Remember, her issues with you that she is just bringing up is irrelevant to her behavior at the party and certainly any other behavior she may have engaged in that are inappropriate or worse.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Let's summarize: you have a set of kinds of people you both can cheat with, but other kinds you cant. You found her making out and straddling another guy and wanted to thre her out. She says it's all because it was fun and she was drunk. You both have 4 kids together.

Advice: new rule.. Physical contact with anyone other than your SO is done. You will both instead put your energies into each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

OldSchool said:


> Put the marriage plans on hold until you sort it all out. Try and get to the bottom of what is going on with her. Remember, her issues with you that she is just bringing up is irrelevant to her behavior at the party and certainly any other behavior she may have engaged in that are inappropriate or worse.


I don't agree. He said the reason she thought it was OK was because of the nature of his kink. He does not reveal much but I imagine that his kink is that he likes to watch her make out with women and she complies for him. He did not answer my question about whether she is bi but it appears she does not do it for herself but for him. 

He also posted that she may not actually like doing it and he became upset that they were not "compatible" because she said that. He mention that among the reasons for his decision to walk. That in itself is outrageous she does not want to do one thing for his sexual tintillation and that makes them incompatible! 

She may very well have thought, in her inebriated state, that if it is ok for him to ask her to do something for him that is not what she really likes that it is ok for her to do for herself what he does not like. Seems reasonable, if sex is mutually satisfying. He said he was happy sexually before this happened. That seems reasonable, afterall his needs kink are met. 

His partner on the other hand is making all the concessions for him yet he has to "work" at satisfying her need for affection. Moreover, he made a rule "no men" for her to kiss. I wonder he would do if his partner said her kink was to have him make out with men and she kiss men for her pleasure. 

She may actually be getting very little of what she needs from him while giving him all he needs. If that is the a true assessment then he is sexually self-centered he is probably selfish in other areas. Giving her affection does not seem to be something that one should have to work on seems simple. A lot more simple than a heterosexual woman acting bi for him but thats just the way I see it. 

I think Not all indiscretions are 100% attributable to the one whoade the mistake. In this case, I think he is at lest if not more responsible. Blaming her 100% does not help him because it supports his self-centeredness at least as far as his 4 children are concerned. 

I think that it is outrageous that his first response to this is walk out on a 15 yr relationship, 4 kids and good relationship and the contribution of his one sided attitude towards what should be mutually satisfying intimacy. .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

It sounds like both of you have major boundary issues. For that, you are 50% responsible for this incident. You do not give out free pass as you did while in marriage. You may feel OK that she kisses other women, but this is not good for your marriage and it shows how little respect you have for your W and your M. 

Find a good MC and educate yourselves. As for your W kissing other women, I suspect it wasn't just a peck on the lip, right?


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