# Dd has a boyfriend



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I see on Facebook that my soon to be 15 dd now has a bf. 

I am estranged from the kids, 15, and 22. Not seeing her having her first relationship just tears me apart. I'm not there to be a witness to this. Not sure how to cope. 

Son sent me an text, angry that I have 'ruined his gd life' and that 'I should take a hint, that if should treat my ex the way I want my kids to treat me'. Well the kids didn't cheat on me, they didn't lie to me, pit others against me, estrange me from my family. Son was angry because I didn't confirm with his dad immediately that I would release the money from the joint funds for his tuition, due this week. 

So f'd up this life. 

It was easier living with a cheater/liar in some ways. My kids loved me. This is torture. When I left I had no idea this would happen. I have sold my condo near the family home, sitting alone does my mind no favours. I'll live with my mother for awhile till I hopefully get my depression under some sort of control. I was a fool not to keep h out after his affair, I had the kids, the house, now I HAVE nothing. Too depressed/anxious to work. 

I texted son that I reach out to him often and he doesn't reply. And that I am open to doing therapy with him to see what can help our situation.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I don't understand. Your husband cheated on you and you left WITHOUT kids?

Why?

Anyways, I wouldn't worry about your son too much. At that age, even if you were there, he would act like he doesn't love you anyways. Heck if your husband is doing his job as a parent they SHOULD hate him as well.



Just do your best to spend time with BOTH of them on regular basis. That's my best advice, there is no replacing TIME SPENT TOGETHER. Whatever it is that you choose to do with them, BE AROUND!!!

Both your son and daughter will NEED You in their life to provide guidance and lessons for the life they are about to have as adults. ESPECIALLY your daughter, it's your duty as a mother to teach her EVERYTHING she needs to know about men and relationships (from a POSITIVE/OPTIMISTIC prospective of course).

It's either that OR she learns the hard way.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I took my dd. We did 50/50 at first. He convinced her that at his place there are no rules and she can do whatever she likes. So she chose to stay full time with him. 

I left due to the fact that he would not, and the emotional, verbal abuse got too much. It triggered too much stress and anxiety to allow me to stay there.


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

Indie, I thought you were doing "no-contact" with them. That means no checking on Facebook, no discussion of anything other than business. Your son's text should have been ignored. Did you do anything wrong by not leaping to his immediate demand? No? Then ignore it.

I suspect your open-hearted attempt to reach your son will be met with silence or viciousness, depending on his mood. He sees your H treat you that way and figures you must deserve it.

I get it; these are your children and being apart from them is catastrophic. I reiterate my oxygen mask analogy from before: you have to get yourself in good place before you can be any good to them. Depression and sadness leave you vulnerable.

I still think you should have exposed all your H's misdeeds to your children and anyone else who would listen. Without that knowledge, your children are operating on half the story - the half your H feeds them. It may be too late now and they might see it as an attempt to tear him down. Well, nothing you can do about that. It's your call but dagnabit, I don't think you are "protecting" them by withholding this info. They deserve to know the truth as to why their family crumbled. Right now, all they know is you walked out.

Keep getting some counseling for depression. Really hope things start looking up for you.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Although I don't agree with cutting your son out, I do agree with no contact with H - let him deal with your attorney. And also with the fact the kids deserve to know the truth. Kudos to you for recently mentioning something he didn't follow through on.

When possible, I do think you should communicate the things he has done or the things he has NOT done when he was supposed to. He needs to come down off that pedestal he and the kids put him on.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

indiecat said:


> I'll live with my mother for awhile till I hopefully get my depression under some sort of control. I was a fool not to keep h out after his affair, I had the kids, the house, now I HAVE nothing. Too depressed/anxious to work.


But you have a car guy in your life who isn't good at oral, as per your other thread?


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

That was a mistake on my part, a rebound, not fair to either of us. Thinking a new relationship could help, but it was wrong thinking.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

indie, as I've said before, move on. Send your kids letters every month just to keep in touch (real letters they can hold), and beyond that, move on. Some day they may grow up and out of the dysfunction your ex has wrought, or they may not. You need to treat this like the death of a child, grieve over that life, and choose another life. It's the only way you can do this.


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