# Can't deal with lies



## frustratedanddesperate (Apr 19, 2012)

Like most of the people here, I am looking for some objective advice. My husband and I have been married for about 7 years and in that time there has been a lot of damage done, particularly in the last 2 years. He has been caught in so many lies. He is really good at lying and can convince people to give him what he wants. He gets mad when I put two and two together and question his stories yet I keep letting him get away with stuff. I found out a few months ago that he's been borrowing money from people and not paying them back - $35,000 over 2 years. With nothing to show for it. We have been on government assistance and scrounging for money to put gas in the tank. 

From what I've pieced together, it's mostly been spent on lottery tickets and pills. He has PTSD and an old injury that he says required him to have pain pills to function (despite the fact that he's gotten kicked out of 2 pain clinics and his regular doctors won't give him any). He also rotates through the ERs on a regular basis trying to get pills. He says he has a pain problem, not a pill problem, and that chronic pain can look a lot like addiction. He says that he's going to get pills one way or another (buying them illegally).

I think that I am emotionally abusive to him - I have been so hurt by all the lies that I find myself wanting to get back at him. I don't trust him at all so when there is any question about where he is/what he's doing/where he's spending money then I grill him about it, even though I usually only get lies in return. I keep rehashing stuff when what he tells me comes together and there are holes in the story. I swear, I belittle him, I kick him out. After he was supposed to be picking up McDonald's for me and the kids (ages 5 and 18 months) but instead went to the ER last night, I blew up on him. I didn't even care that he had our only vehicle and I had no way to take my son to school in the morning. After doing a lot of thinking, I realized that I've been trying to get him to end our marriage. 

When I have found out about the lies before, I tried to get him to change his behavior by giving him an ultimatum - change or I leave with the kids. When I do that, he usually threatens suicide - twice to the point where I had to call 911 and he was involuntarily committed. Every time he promises me no more lies and comes clean about everything, I later find out that he wasn't giving me the full truth. I am constantly finding out about things through other people (or finding money missing by checking the bank account). I know that I need to change too but I don't feel that I can make any progress until I can start trusting him. He makes an effort for about a week before I usually find out about something else. Nothing ever gets resolved. His solution is for me to stop digging and just ignore it - if I ignore the inconsistencies in his stories then they can't bother me. He also thinks I should give him an allowance for pills until he can find a doctor "that listens." 
I don't believe that this is okay. I have never lied to him or hid things from him until recently when I wanted to start making him see how it feels. 
When he's gone for a few days I feel relieved and motivated. When everything is on my shoulders I make things happen. I spend more quality time with our kids and am usually in a great mood.
When he's here I'm frustrated and hopeless and feel like I can't depend on someone that's supposed to me my partner. I feel like there's no getting ahead when he spends every last penny we have and racks up ER bills by the week. 

Sorry for the long post. I am just so frustrated by everything. I know I want to leave but it's so hard to go through with that decision. It would be so much easier if he saw it too. I would be willing to try counseling but I don't think it will work until he addresses his lying/pill issues. We live in a state where 1 year separation is mandatory before divorce so I'm thinking that might be the best option. It's so hard to figure out when to call it quits. I do think deep down I love him but that feeling has been so damaged by everything that's happened it's hard to feel anything anymore. I could really use some advice/insight regarding my situation. Thanks!


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## prisoner84 (Apr 18, 2012)

I can't see a good ending for this story. That is a strong addiction that will probably just keep getting worse. Then of course you have your kids to worry about. If even just for their sake, start your exit plan now. You already said you feel the positive difference when he is not around. If he won't seek help, you need to leave.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

frustratedanddesperate:

I'm sorry you're in such a mess. Your husband has BIG problems. He is a drug addict. Forget the 'pain' bullsh*t, he is an addict. They lie, they borrow money they never repay, they steal (your bank account). Is his pain real? Maybe. Is his addiction real? Definitely.

No matter how much you love this man, he is NOT a healthy partner with whom to raise your children. You can love him and still realize that his behavior is toxic to your family.

Best advice I have is:

1.) File for separation. Either HE moves out immediately and permanently, or you and the kids move out. Get it done. If he has nowhere to live, that is NOT your problem right now. You have enough on your plate to keep your children and you fed, clothed, and sheltered. Let him 'man up.'

2.) Since you have to be separated for one year before you can file for divorce, give your husband ONE YEAR to get his addiction under control and turn his life around. One year. Not 14 months, not 'look how much progress I've made'....one year. Mark it on the calendar. No excuses. He either wants to take control of his problems for his family, or he doesn't/can't. He's either a husband/father, or he isn't.

3.) Get into IC for yourself so you can be a healthier for your children and yourself.

4.) At the end of the one year period, YOU will have a better outlook on YOUR circumstances and you will be better able to judge whether or not (with professional input from your counselor or his drug counselor) your husband has made sufficient progress toward becoming an active, healthy husband/father. At THAT point, you will know whether to file for divorce or seek MC.

Staying in the relationship the way it is now is unhealthy. You already do not like your own actions with regard to his behavior. His threats of suicide (although real) are emotional blackmail.

Good luck!


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## rosehalligan (Sep 10, 2012)

hi so sorry sorry for your pain for i feel the same with mind lieing games cant write now but will pick back up on this with you i know your pain i feel your pain and how you are rose


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