# Help me support my husband



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I just need kind of a kick in the arse right now, you guys seem good for that.

Lots going on in our life right now, very overwhelmed with stress. Husband and I both work full time, we have two young children (ages 2 and 3) who are in daycare while we work. My company recently relocated - as of Monday - and my commute to work is now 2 hours one way. (Looking for another job, but gotta stick with this one till I find another one.)

Monday, my father-in-law passed out at work and was rushed to the hospital. He is in his 70's, not great health - has heart problems, doesnt take care of himself - and due to this symptoms his coworkers who called the ambulance thought he was having a stroke. As time has passed, turns out he has pnuemonia - no stroke (really high fever caused the stroke-like symptoms, plus he has the beginning stages of dementia). FIL has been in the hospital ever since, no idea when he might get back out.

So, husband has been going straight from work, to the hospital each evening to sit with his dad. I have been going to work and doing all of the child care, errands, chores, etc. since he is not home. The kids are a mess because they want to see their daddy, so they are acting out and being unruly adding to the stress.

I don't know what to do for my husband. We've been through this road with his dad before, having long stretches in the hospital, I know they upset him greatly. I dont really know much about his dads condition because my husband just does.not.talk when he is upset about something. He withdraws completely. I know his dad is expected to recover and go back home eventually but don't know his current condition except that it's bad, and that his dementia has gotten significantly worse while he is sick and in the hospital. His dad was in the hospital about 2 years ago with a heart attack (quadruple bypass) and his dementia was bad then too, but seemed to get a bit better once he returned home. I am optimistic the same thing will happen this time. He is heavily drugged at the moment and that also adds to his confusion and strange mood swings.

I hate to say this out loud because I sound selfish, but I want to be there for my husband and feel like I am failing miserably this week. He's been coming home from the hospital at 10p, right after I've gotten the kids in bed for the night, and I am just so unbelievably exhausted at that point that I just crash and fall asleep on the couch. We've not been speaking with each other much over the past week, we have about 30 mins together in the mornings rushing around getting ready for work and then no time at all in the evenings because I've just crashed. He doesnt want to talk when I try to talk to him, I try emailing or calling at work and he says he is busy and can't talk. I don't try to call him or talk to him when I know he is at the hospital, I just let him be and try not to make him feel rushed or stressed while there (even though most nights I am at home pulling my hair out in stress!). I just want him to know I am there for him.

I struggle because the more he shuts me out, the more I start to focus on my own stress levels and exhaustion and get into a horrible mood. I know that's awful. I want to shake the funk and help him out. Any suggestions on how to get through these difficult times?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I think the best thing you can do for your husband is just tell him you're there for him. You know you can't fix this, but you are there to support him through it.

It's really hard to deal with a person that shuts down when stress comes. I can truly understand how frustrated you must feel.


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

My father's had numerous periods of extended hospital stays. My mom used to spend hours daily with him, just sort of keeping him company while he complained or slept or had strange moody episodes. The strain of this affected her sleep and mental health, and she got very withdrawn.

Solution? I started accompanying mom. We brought him books to read, music to listen to, etc. We made sure to keep the visits briefer and more cheerful. Not only did mom's state improve - so did dad's!

So my recommendation is to help your husband come up with ways to make those visits better. Follow that up with speaking to your FIL's healthcare provider about his options after release. It sounds like he may need more care than your family can currently provide.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Dealing with a dying parent is really horrible, as you know.

I know you are tired, too, but I think you have to meet him where he is. He doesn't want to talk -- he probably can't talk at this point. Hug him if he'll let you -- give him a backrub -- let him know that you love him even though he doesn't want to talk -- do what you can to make his life easier through all this. It probably is true that Dad will recover and go home--- and if he has significant dementia, that's not really good news. So in addition to grief, your husband is dealing with a ton of guilt and worry. 

I know you're exhausted, too, and I do understand that all the household and childrearing chores are falling to you right now. But this is one of those extreme situations. I'd say make very few demands, and try to show him you care in whatever way he'll understand it.

I'm so sorry.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

When my kids become adults, i sure don't want them wasting their time sitting with me in a hospital when they have a wife and children at home. 

You two, as a husband and wife (a unit if you will), must set up a situation where the kids well being is nurtured. That is your number one priority. And, a Mom who is out of the house 12 hours per day while Dad is out of the house even longer, you two are not prioritizing properly.

The well being of your children and your family is created when you create a fun, loving, happy home life as opposed to a non existent home life, or a stressed out "existence" aimed at maximizing finances only.

So long as you operate for the good of your children, and the good of your family, you are not being selfish. An elderly father who takes away the man raising two young children is the selfish one.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Easy to say, Hicks, but that all goes out the window when a parent is in extremis.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Hicks said:


> When my kids become adults, i sure don't want them wasting their time sitting with me in a hospital when they have a wife and children at home.
> 
> You two, as a husband and wife (a unit if you will), must set up a situation where the kids well being is nurtured. That is your number one priority. And, a Mom who is out of the house 12 hours per day while Dad is out of the house even longer, you two are not prioritizing properly.
> 
> ...


If only it were this simple.

Just to be clear, his dad never ASKS him to be there. Heck, half of the time he doesnt even know he's there or doesnt recognize him, is spouting gibberish or throwing fits or whatever. My husband does it because I think he wants to. I know him well enough to know that deep down he is scared, and just wants to fix whatever is wrong with his dad, and is afraid he's going to die any minute and doesnt want to miss any time spent with him.

I dont blame him for that.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I've lived the rat race you describe.
I can only tell you that once you prioritize your children over finances, other family members, outside people and influences, your life does simplify and the children are the beneficiaries of it.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

It's ok, Kag. Many of us have been through it, and we understand.

He cannot talk to you right now, but I bet in the future he will remember how you stood by him and kept things going.

Please keep talking to us. xox


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Hicks, caring for a dying parent is not a "rat race". You make it sound like her H is working harder to buy a bigger car.

While it may not be the choice you would make, it is a choice that has been honored by humanity for centuries, so perhaps beating Kag up at this juncture is not the best option.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Hicks said:


> I've lived the rat race you describe.
> I can only tell you that once you prioritize your children over finances, other family members, outside people and influences, your life does simplify and the children are the beneficiaries of it.


I am not disagreeing with you.

Now, please come pay all of our bills so I can get out of the rat race!


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Be patient. Let hubby see his dad whenever & however long he wants/needs to. It doesnt matter how many times it's happened in the past. 

Kids are resilient. You just tell them that daddy has something very special he needs to do with grandpa right now. Then you distract them with a story. Maybe find a story that maybe explains about grandparents getting old. They will live thru this & probably not remember a thing of it. Sure, they might get a little fiesty... you just tell them no. That daddy is counting on them being very well behaved while he does spends time with sick grandpa.

You should NOT show your hubby that it upsets you with the amount of time he spends at hospital. (IMO). Just support him. When he comes home, tell him you prayed for his dad today.. etc. stuff like that.

You do NOT want to be the "bad guy" when/if his dad does die & he feels like he got cheated out of time with his dad, because you asked him to be home for his kids to tuck them into bed. They are less than school age.. they WILL get plenty of "dad time" when they are growing up,. Do not take away his "dad time" with his father right now. I think that would be the worst.

Just be patient. This too shall pass.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Chelle D said:


> Be patient. Let hubby see his dad whenever & however long he wants/needs to. It doesnt matter how many times it's happened in the past.
> 
> Kids are resilient. You just tell them that daddy has something very special he needs to do with grandpa right now. Then you distract them with a story. Maybe find a story that maybe explains about grandparents getting old. They will live thru this & probably not remember a thing of it. Sure, they might get a little fiesty... you just tell them no. That daddy is counting on them being very well behaved while he does spends time with sick grandpa.
> 
> ...


Thanks.

I do try to do this, and not ask him to do anything or to come home or whatever. 

My kids are old enough to understand that pop-pop is not in good health. I left this detail out - but, my MIL is an in-home daycare provider, and my kids go to daycare at their house. She took two days off and now that he is settled into the hospital she is still running her daycare during the day, and going to be with her husband at night in the hospital. But, my kids are there and they are used to seeing their pop-pop and understand that he's gone because he is sick. They are upset about this too. 

I just feel like the complete withdrawal is always hard for me to handle. If only he would show some kind of emotion, I would find it easier to connect with him and it would put all of the sacrifices and support into perspective. At the end of a super long day I tend to feel a tad...resentful...that I have done all of these things all day long to help and support him, sent him kind messages, etc. and then get the cold shoulder and snapping at me when I try to find out how his dad is doing or offer him the dinner I fixed earlier in the day or whatever. Deep down, I know he doesnt' mean to be that way and that he is just unloading at me because HE is stressed. However, when I am also stressed to this level, I do not find it easy to put things into perspective.

I feel like that is a really ugly thing to say and an ugly way to look at it. I want to learn to suck it all in and take all the stress and his withdrawal and still handle it with poise and grace but I feel like this is my weakness.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Kag, your post has me thinking.

One spouse is emotionally stronger than the other. More often than not, it's the wife. We're the caregivers by nature, so we know how to balance many things at one time. Some men can do this too, but it's not common. It may be taking every ounce of strength your husband has to be there for his father. 

Does this make any sense? 

I know you're tired. I know you would like his help, but maybe he just has nothing to give you at the end of the day. His thoughts and energy is spent only dealing with this one thing.

I'm sorry if I'm not much help. I'm recalling some hectic times in my previous relationships, and in each crisis, it was me that had to keep it all together. My partner just couldn't do it.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

You're frustrated & down. Completely understandable. You want to open up to your hubby & are frustrated when he is closing you off right now. Not seeming to appreciate anything you are doing, or dealing with for him. Maybe he just "can't" open up right now.

You want to open up to someone... share your feelings & take some of the shoulder off your stress. Just please, understand that I dont' really think that can be your husband right now. I don't thing probably that right now he can physically, emotionally or mentally be there for you right now.

Find some kind of physical stress reliever. Put the kids in a jogging stroller & run your problems into the ground. Imagine each problem as a black blob on the pavement & pound it away. 
Or maybe do sit ups/push ups.... Like, you have to do 10 for each time you thought negatively about hubby that day.. etc. Just something to "physically" literally to pound out some of that frustration/stress.

Keep spilling your guts here. Talk to another adult about your feelings (NOT your MIL.) not anyone that maybe it would get back to your hubs. But.. just know that we all know there are times in life that the stress levels just get "too much" to bear. Like the straw that breaks the camels back. 

Just believe that someday, somehow it WILL get better again. One day, when hubby is done with all of it & can come back & connect with you again... It will all be worth it for you to hold yourself together now. Be proud of yourself.

God bless.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

It's not ugly at all, Kag. It's normal, and I'm glad you talking to us -- hope you are talking to others in your life, too.

I don't know -- I've known some very fine men who were just like this. They don't mean to be ugly, they just don't know how to deal.

But this isn't the time to fix him.

I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If I were your husband, I think it would mean a lot to me to receive a simple text during the day: "honey I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you and I want you to know that whatever you need I'm there for you."

I probably wouldn't respond to it, or maybe I'd just say thanks. Don't push it. Men sometimes need to just process stuff. But it would mean a lot to me none the less and I would remember the gesture perhaps even years down the road.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I wanted to thank you all for giving me the much needed perspective. 

His dad was unexpectedly released from the hospital late last night to go home....personally, I dont think that was the best idea (he is still unsteady on his feet from being in the bed for a week and on strong painkillers/abx) but...now he is home. One positive is that his dementia and confusion seem to get a bit better when he gets back to familiar surroundings.

Husband is happy his dad is home.

Now we move from hospital visits to working on things at his parents house, to make sure his dad stays immobile and getting better. We will be over there all weekend doing yard work, fixing a few things around the house and cleaning for his mom so she can spend her attention on getting his dad better. I am happy for the change because I finally feel like I can DO something to help and support his family instead of sitting by and waiting for H to come home.

I had a talk with my H last night (one sided...I talked and he listened) and I told him what you mentioned above. He really appreciated it, gave a nice hug and kiss, which made things feel better between us.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

I'm so glad.

remember... even with the hospital stress gone, things will get better & then get frustating again.. Up & down. Stress has funny ways of relieving itself by taking or thinking out the worst in the ones we feel closest to. Don't get frustrated if tension suddenly feels worse again after you thought everything was getting better. Or when you expected everything to be easier. 

Healing is a process.. even though your hubby or you were not the one sick, you had stress dealing with it & that stress needs time to heal. It won't be gone overnight. If we remind ourselves this, sometimes it's easier to deal with when we expect it. 

Hope you can get some good gardening in! It's a great physical activity. (Though sometimes not fun.)


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Been there! We had to both work and take care of bothe of my dying parents this past July, it was insane, right during some serious financial stressors, trying to manage the kids etc, totally overwhelming not to mention dealing with the emotions of losing a parent, regardless of how many times you have had the scare each one starts the emotional roller coaster all over again! I was back and forth to the hospital and my husband bore the brunt of the kids house and everything...I can see how you are stressed, can you take any time from work, fmla? To save on the commute to be there more? Text him ur thinking about him, if you pray do t and share that you are, take extra time in the early am or evening to share your feelings and let your hubby share his. Ask him if there is anything extra you can do, ask friends for help with the kids. They will helpif you ask. Just be there emotionally that means more than you will ever know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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