# Her E.A.



## spideysjs (Oct 3, 2012)

Hello all of you helpful people. I have been browsing through these forums and decided it was time for me to seek help. 

Some quick background about my situation.

I am not married but have been in a committed relationship for four years. Marriage has been discussed, we have really only waited because I had a significant income and she was going back to school. If we were married and she became a part of my income it would ruin her financial aid. A little over a year ago we were living in Los Angeles, I had a very secure job with a company I had been with for ten years. My mother died very suddenly on vacation. This was very hard for me, I was an only child and she had mostly raised me on her own. We were very close. Shortly after this my GF was accepted to a university in CO. We made the decision to move. I struggled to find work and was barely able to make ends meet for us while supporting her through school. This past summer she took a part time job waiting tables. 
Over that year I fell into a very deep depression although I was not aware of it at the time. In July I started to become aware; I had become a hermit with zero passion or drive for anything. I started marking on our calendar the days that I sat alone and cried. 28 days in July. I noticed a drastic change in her behavior. She was working later than normal, I would get messages stating she was going out with friends but I was never invited any of these times. One night she did not even come home. This bothered me so I spoke to her about it. She said that I was giving her nothing, no semblance of life and she had to turn to her friends to get it. I was not open with her and she knew something was wrong with me but was tired of trying to get me to open up. So the next day I had a bad day and reached out to her to let her know. This was hard for me to do and she knows that. She responded sweetly saying she was out with friends but would be home when I got home from work to hold me and cry with me. When I got home, hours later she was not there. I let her know I was home. An hour later she texts me saying she had fed the dogs. An hour after that, 1am at this point, she starts texting me asking for a ride home as everyone there was too drunk to drive. I was very upset. I pick her up and she says not a word to me the entire drive home. We get home she gets directly in the shower without a word. I was emotionally worn out and tired of crying alone so I just got in bed and went to sleep. The next day brought more of the same; she worked early and I heard nothing from her for 10 hours. That nite things came to a head between us and a lot of good came from that conversation. Told her how I felt about reaching out to be denied, she told me how she has been hurt and felt un-needed by me. In the middle of this I stepped out for a smoke and see her texting someone smiling and laughing. Then she got in the shower. Something in me snapped and I went for her phone. This is when I discover the other man and some fairly inappropriate texts. I covered up my reaction for that night but the next day was unable and asked her who he was and if she was having an affair. I wish I had come here first and learned about not confronting without evidence. She blows it off as nothing, “he’s just a friend” When she fell asleep I looked and naturally the entire text chain was deleted. We begin focusing and working on us. A week goes by and I tell her I am sorry for accusing her and was she still talking to him, it’s ok if she was I am just trying to put positivity in my heart instead of negativity. She says no they have not talked. I know this is a lie because I have looked at our phone bill records and it is nonstop all day long. A week goes by and I ask again, this time letting her know I can understand why she would not want to tell me, but it was ok if she was, I just needed truth. Denial again. More of the same behavior from her. I start tracking her actions and discover her sneaking off to see him at work while I am away etc. etc. etc. all the tell tale signs. 
I believe this is an E.A. and has not become physical yet. And also believe her desire to repair our relationship. But I think she is in the fog. I came here and started reading and researching. So now I have been trying to get the hard evidence I need. She deletes their texts every day before she gets home. A V.A.R. will do no good as I am the one that drives her to school every day. I do not think it will work at home because she keeps the TV on all night as she does homework. I purchased a cell phone spy stick that allegedly pulls all deleted info from phone, but after running it for four hours the other night while she was asleep it never finished it’s process and I had to sleep myself. I am considering spy software for her phone but am concerned about her noticing it installed. I also bought “decipher text message” but that pulls from a back up on itunes and don’t want to back up the phone for fear of losing what she has already deleted before getting the spystick to work. I do not know what to do. I understand from what I read the importance of having hard evidence at my disposal when confronting her, but every day that goes by this tears me up more and more and gets harder and harder.
Thank you for your help.
-S


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

You MUST have solid evidence. You can wait! But not too long. Listen, I suspected my H was having an A for months then I decided to get proof b/c everytime I confronted him-DENIAL. So he backed me into a corner with that and I worked my fool ass off to get PROOF. I VAR'd his desk, Put spyware on his phone and tapped into his email. Dude- I watched him flirt his ass off everyday for months until BAM there it was. No "well, its just fun." or "just friends" or "light flirting" NO. THERE IT WAS. Then and only then was I able to start DRAGGING him out of his 'fog'. 

My point, If I can suffer thru, so can you. Its the hardest thing you'll ever do, likely. But when the evidence is undeniable- NOW youre in the drivers seat.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

And DO NOT ever BEG her. DO NOT cry in front of her. IF she sees you as weak- game over.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Going straight to the shower is a red flag for me that it might be more than an EA.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

I hate to say this but, it sounds like it went PA already. If there's inappropriate texts and they have access to each other without you in the mix your in trouble. 
She is using you to help her through school and is being a cake eater.

You are right to gather evidence, but you may need to crash the party and see for yourself the dynamic between her and the OM or the reaction of her friends. You may find that he is the boyfriend and you are unwelcome in the friends eyes. 

I've had suicidal depression and almost ruined my life. You need to get to a Dr. And get yourself chemically sorted out. It is almost
impossible to do without meds. 
Pick yourself up from the darkness and pull it together brother. If only long enough to get to a doctor. You will see a change within a week. Plan on being on them for a few months only. While on them get therapy so you can stop needing meds.

Seriously your situation sucks without a cheating partner.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Spidey,

I am sorry you are here but you aren't alone. The death of a loved one, especially when it is a parent you were so close to, can put the best of us in depression. No matter how much you withdrew, you didn't deserve this. You didn't cause this. You had every right to expect her to do what it took to help you get through it.

There are posts at the top of this forum for you to read. Pay special attention to the acronyms or you may not know what the wise ones are talking about. They will be along shortly to help.

Let me ask, do you wish to save the relationship?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Falene said:


> Spidey,
> 
> I am sorry you are here but you aren't alone. The death of a loved one, especially when it is a parent you were so close to, can put the best of us in depression. No matter how much you withdrew, you didn't deserve this. You didn't cause this. You had every right to expect her to do what it took to help you get through it.
> 
> There are posts at the top of this forum for you to read. Pay special attention to the acronyms or you may not know what *the wise ones are talking about. They will be along shortly to help.*Let me ask, do you wish to save the relationship?


Ha Ha. Falene. You saying Im NOT one of the wise ones???:lol:


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Ha Ha. Falene. You saying Im NOT one of the wise ones???:lol:


Not at all! There were no posts when I started and the phone rang so by the time I finished and hit reply....you wise ones beat me to it!

And you are dead on about the evidence. It is so important to secure it before you confront.


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## spideysjs (Oct 3, 2012)

I have been in therapy for a month now.
I do want to save the relationship.
I am trying hard to get hard evidence but everything i have tried has failed, any ideas on that?


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## spideysjs (Oct 3, 2012)

was reading on the 180 and was going to start that this week.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Falene said:


> Not at all! There were no posts when I started and the phone rang so by the time I finished and hit reply....you wise ones beat me to it!
> 
> And you are dead on about the evidence. It is so important to secure it before you confront.


Funny. No worries. Just razzing you. 

OP, get busy. The evidence is there- You just have to find it.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Find out where they hang out after work and one day just pop in should be an eye opener. Do you have any friends that can watch her whereabouts one night if you can't?


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

spideysjs said:


> I have been in therapy for a month now.
> I do want to save the relationship.
> I am trying hard to get hard evidence but everything i have tried has failed, any ideas on that?


No, I jumped before the evidence was secure though in my case it didn't have a negative effect. It almost all cases when evidence isn't secured it will hurt you in the long run.

I know there are a ton of things out there you can use/do to get the evidence you need but I am not the one to ask about that.

Let me help those that can help by asking...

What kind of phone does she use?

Does she use a computer as well?

Have you tried to secure the texts through the phone company? Have you gone online to see what is there?

If you find you cannot gather the evidence, I suggest you have her crap on the porch and tell her she is done. You know what is going on and her continued lies have made it clear she prefers to be with someone else. Tell her the next lie she tells you and there will be no chance you will ever say one single word to her again let alone even think about trying to work it out.

Close the door in her face. Ignore EVERYTHING she yells through it or cries through it and "go dark" for a day or two. Respond to nothing she says or does. NOTHING. 

When you come out you will know exactly what you are dealing with.

In the meantime, eat. Showers are important! I can't suggest to exercise enough even if it is just a walk. It makes the brain send out good stuff we need.

No matter what, you will be okay. *hugs*


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What did the texts say? 

Is she hiding her phone a lot, keeping it around her a lot? 

Who is the guy?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Does he have a wife/gf?? That's really important to know....


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## spideysjs (Oct 3, 2012)

I tried that one night; i got off early and passed by our house, she was not home so i drove to her work, looking through the windows there was no one inside. I called the restaraunt to see if she was still working and they said she got off a long time ago. Then got a text from her saying she was going to bed. I told her that sucked because i was dowtown at the bar across the street waiting for her to get off of work. She calls and says that she got done with work, sent me a message that she was done and going out for a bit, but it never "sent" she hung out with "him"( which i will explain in a moment) for 15 mintues then went home. I know that to not be true because i had been downtown for at least 45 mins. of course when i looked at our phone records there were at least 15 texts between them in the 10 mins it takes me to get home. Explanation...When all this came to light he was listed in her phonebook with a name. I reverse looked up the number to discover where he was from and that the name she had used was his middle initials, A.K. she later changed his name in phonebook to "eve kane" and then "eve adams" now it is listed as "white lightning" A couple weeks ago i stopped in to see her for brunch and sat at the bar, bartender introduces himself as "brad" which i know is this mans first name, we talk a bit about music and i ask for his number under the guise of getting together to check out local music, i really wanted to check the number, sure as can be he starts telling me his number and i know right away, as i will never forget that number. He does, however, change the last digit.
She uses an iphone 3g.
Hard to find out where they may be after work as they work downtown and there are a million bars within walkind distance, i know some of her favored and am going to try that again this weekend when she works.
Have no friends here in town as i've been a hermit.
have not tried to go through phone company as it is in her name and pretty sure she needs to sign off on that.
texts are things like "I <3 your boo face" which is what i though she called only me. or "when can i get me some white lightning" " i miss you" etc.
I found out i worked briefly with his GF and know where they live. Was thinking of letting her know when i have evidence.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stay strong by working out, seeing a doctor, force your self to eat, work on your self, and stop crying.

Now is the time to start raising your attraction level. You need to start showing some confidence in your self and believe in your self.

While you cather evidence you can also work on your self by getting out and get some new cloths, a hair cut and go work out and run. 

This will do wonder for your self esteem.

If you do break and can't handle the GNO (girls night out) then I guess you can confront her ( I don't recommned it) only about her behavior. If you have to you can make it clear you are no longer going to tolorate her current behavior and she has a choice to change or she can move out.

Making this satement in asking her to leave is sign to her that you canfintent in moving on with out her. Sure this could back fire and she could leave....pt most likely she come back in a few days after the OM (other man) get tired of her. Maybe not she could go off and live happily after after.

The point is you need to stand up and stop sharing your girl friend.

Even with a smoking gun can and you have the proof, what are you going to do?

The good thing about having proof you can have the validation that your next step is justified.

With proof you can do the damage control by not looking like the bad guy.

Who knows if this guy has a girl friend or is married, with proof you can expose the affair and even expose it to her family. A tactic that makes the affair inconvienent and uncomfrotable to continue.


My point is the evidence you get will help fight the affair, but then again it could be an exit affair and she is already gone.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

I will be blunt. She sees you as nothing but a meal ticket to help put her through school. Now that you are not making the money that you use to make before the move, she is open to finding another man (OM). Her actions speak louder than words. You know for a fact that she regularly lies to you so you cannot believe a word that she says. You know that I am right. As long as she needs your financial help, she will string you along and say that she loves you. You leave your friends and your good job of 10 years for her, and are naturally are depressed because of this, and she repays you by leaving you home alone as she is out with the OM and her friends. The fact that she blames your depression for her cheating is downright cold and heartless and confirms your meal ticket status.

Go home to where you have friends. Get your old job back and find someone else that is only happy when you are also happy. Helping her get her degree is not your responsibility. When she cannot put herself through college without also working full time, lets see how much time she has for the OM. I bet that she will be the one that is depressed instead of you. You have now been warned. If you do not follow the advice and get further used by this woman, you have no one to blame but yourself.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Let the gf know NOW go there today.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

spideysjs said:


> I have been in therapy for a month now.
> I do want to save the relationship.
> I am trying hard to get hard evidence but everything i have tried has failed, any ideas on that?


Take some time off of work and barrow a car and follow her.....enless you have a grand laying around you can hire a PI.

Be patient and keep checking the text, sooner or later they make mistakes.

Her MO is deleting her messages when she comes home to wash the OM off her, try getting her phone in the morning. She might be texting while your asleep.

Go online and get the cell phone staement and find the number that she calls the most and do a reverse phone look up.
You might get a name and address of OM

What about a keylogger?

Have you checked her facebook? See if you can get at her computer, it may give you some info.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

spideysjs said:


> texts are things like "I <3 your boo face" which is what i though she called only me. or "when can i get me some white lightning" " i miss you" etc.


 What are you waiting for to take action? Why do you need any more evidence? This right here confirms that they are not just friends. And get real, "when can i get me some white lightning" is code for sex. Again, why do you need more evidence?


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## spideysjs (Oct 3, 2012)

Deleted due to double post


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## spideysjs (Oct 3, 2012)

sry did not mean to post twice


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## spideysjs (Oct 3, 2012)

the guy said:


> Stay strong by working out, seeing a doctor, force your self to eat, work on your self, and stop crying.
> 
> Now is the time to start raising your attraction level. You need to start showing some confidence in your self and believe in your self.
> 
> ...


This. I got a haircut, new clothes, workign out, hiking etc.
With proof I will decide what my next step is but i will feel validated in it.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

spideysjs said:


> texts are things like "I <3 your boo face" which is what i though she called only me. or "when can i get me some white lightning"


 According to urbandictionary.com "white lightning" means "The act of receiving oral sex from a female, and then to ejaculate (or skeet) on her face." Wake up and man up now.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You want to save the relationship?

Gotta save yourself 1st, can't go around trying to rescue her while the dragon already has 1/2 of you in it's mouth.

You want an honest and blunt opinion,

Ditch her, go back home to Cali and get your old life back. You're still young, enjoy it. No need to pine over her. I did that with my very 1st and 2nd gf, they kicked me to the curb and I moped around and become Mr. stalker.

It wasn't worth it, if they don't want you, you don't need them. And you know what, after that the girls I went out with were after me now instead of me chasing them.

Nice guys do finish last almost all the time. Strange, you put them on a pedestal and you're the one chasing them. You treat them like dirt some of the times and they're chasing you down like a shark with blood in the water.

And she's boning the guy, all the signs point to it. Gather evidence all you want but everyone on the board knows it already.

Can't get respect from others if you don't respect yourself.


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## spideysjs (Oct 3, 2012)

Wow, hurts pretty deeply to read all of that. I understand why.
I think for my part I have to get that hard proof. Because of my depresion, memory, focus and distorting reality have been issues for me. Without hard proof I know she will put it all on that and deny it all. As well as they are some legality issues that I am sure will be on my side with proof and I can walk away clean and validated.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think you should tell OM GF that they were texting this crap and it will help put a tamper on the afaair cuz now you have an extra set of eyes on it.

Do not tell your wife your plan to expose to OM GF the OM will do that for you.

It is clear that there love was already professed so go to OM GF and expose this. Then sit back and see what happens.

You do realize that if she wants to be with you and only you she needs to find another place to work?


I could see if you had this great avenue to get proof, but it seems like everywere you turn you get blocked.

I think your best shot is to take the time off of work and spend a few bucks on renting a car and follow her. At the very least take the time off and go down town,it will be crowded this weekend, hide in the crowd and you might be able to follow her, but also a good chance in lossing her.

The dangerous part about following her is that your emotions will get the best of you and a confrontation could land you in trouple. Your emotions will be flying along with your fists.


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## spideysjs (Oct 3, 2012)

has anyone used spysoftware on a phone before?
Is it easy for her to find out it is on the phone?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

spideysjs said:


> Wow, hurts pretty deeply to read all of that. I understand why.
> I think for my part I have to get that hard proof. Because of my depresion, memory, focus and distorting reality have been issues for me. Without hard proof I know she will put it all on that and deny it all. As well as they are some legality issues that I am sure will be on my side with proof and I can walk away clean and validated.


Well I dont know what "legalities" there could be since you arent married.....

But youre playing with fire here. The longer you let this go, the deeper she'll get.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

alot of red flags i would just leave you arent married and move back to LA and get your old job back


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

TRy said:


> According to urbandictionary.com "white lightning" means "The act of receiving oral sex from a female, and then to ejaculate (or skeet) on her face." Wake up and man up now.


There is some good to this and some bad.

The good thing is the word "more" was not mentioned!

The bad is the OM feels comfortable talking like this so at the very least the affair has gotten to some physical point.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

spideysjs said:


> Wow, hurts pretty deeply to read all of that. I understand why.
> I think for my part I have to get that hard proof. Because of my depresion, memory, focus and distorting reality have been issues for me. Without hard proof I know she will put it all on that and deny it all. As well as they are some legality issues that I am sure will be on my side with proof and I can walk away clean and validated.


That, plus you can do the damage control by exposing to others for why you left her hight and dry...with nothing!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Whats the plan when you get the smoking gun?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Sounds like it is time for a clean slate back to LA
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## spideysjs (Oct 3, 2012)

We have two joint bank accounts and I have a home that I put in both our names. Dumb i know but i was so sure...


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

spideysjs said:


> We have two joint bank accounts and I have a home that I put in both our names. Dumb i know but i was so sure...


If you live in a 'no fault' state- her cheating wont matter a lick when it comes to assets. Sorry. Cold hard facts. You can take 1/2 your bank acct and put your house up for sale if she cant buy you out. Dont sell your soul for money.


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## spideysjs (Oct 3, 2012)

up until posting here today my intentions after getting the smoking gun were to expose, confront, NC, R etc. now not so sure


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## spideysjs (Oct 3, 2012)

Live in CO, house is in Louisiana, not sure but i will find out now


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Greetings spidey,


Listen here, the universe is 13.7 billion years old, you live about 80 years and are then gone forever. Our lives are a small existence that are not even worth mentioning in human history. There are 6 billion people alive on earth at the moment, how many have come and gone since the beginning of human history? 

Bare with me here as I say a few words. 

Your problems are a lot smaller than you think. We all have and do allow our problems to affect us. Always look positively, in reality that this makes your life interesting. It would be boring if life was perfect, and even worse if it was perfect for everyone. We do not become strong by always overcoming easy things.

Focus on on making yourself bigger and stronger than your problems. Make your problems small by making yourself bigger. You know you can do this because its been done time and time again by so many people before you. Start exericising 45 minutes VIGOROUSLY with supersets. Start eating absurd amounts of fruits and vegetables, raw, best fresh enzymes for recovery and energy. Eating fruits and vegetables will give you energy you do not believe that you will never feel with coffee or energy drinks. 

You are probably burnt out. Being burnt out affects you physically, mentally, emotionally, physiologically. It takes a long time to recover. Avoid any waste of dopamine and energy on masturbation, alcohol, depressing addictions and vices.

The minute you start improving what you eat, you will feel improvement on your body, on your mind, the clearer you can make decisions, the more stress you can handle (ascorbic acid aka vitamin c fights cortisol the stress hormone), take vitamins and minerals. I give it about 1 week before you will mentally /physicall/emotionally start feeling MAJOR improvements.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

spideysjs said:


> up until posting here today my intentions after getting the smoking gun were to expose, confront, NC, R etc. now not so sure


Why?

Are you going to confront her on her behavior alone?

At the very least tell the OM GF before you confron your GF.
Sure she will be pissed you are making her affair inconvienent, but then again you have no proof to show OM GF or your GF.

I mean you can at least tell her and others about the inapropreaite texting, the distance between the two of you and her always being gone and the lying. 

Hell she loves some one else, but then again it could be just the fog? 

Stalking her and spying on her might get what you need to save the relationship, but then again it might not.

In may case I had the easy access andthe strength to get the hard proof that gave me the confidence to let my old lady go, and it seemed to help in having an effective confrontation.

What ever you deside, please do not cry or beg, just ask her to leave and then when Brad's GF kicks him out the two of them can live happily ever after........Ya right.

She will be Brads problem now and he can put her thru school....


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I read once that men listed kindness and physical attractiveness as the two most important elements for them in a wife.

Your gf is anything but kind. I would describe her as cruel. You just lost your mother, she passed suddenly as you describe it, and what is the gf doing?

Please do yourself a favor and extract yourself. Find someone who will care about you and your welfare.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Listen to the guy exposure now show other man's gf the texts you showed us. Blow it up!


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## spideysjs (Oct 3, 2012)

yes I understand i think you are all correct. I am just going to try one last time tonight while she is asleep to use the spystick to get info off her phone. Regardless of that outcome I will take action tomorrow.
Thank you all again


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

tom67 said:


> Listen to the guy exposure now show other man's gf the texts you showed us. Blow it up!


It sounds like OP didn't save it he just saw it and then she deleted it.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Welcome to the Infidelity Roller Coaster. If you don't put your mental seat belt on it may very well kill you.

As you are now seeing, there are so many possibilities as to the direction this could go it becomes difficult to sort through it without some serious thought and decision making. It can't be avoided really.

While I agree that in some areas time is of the essence, I would also like to caution you not to make any rash decisions. As far as moving quickly goes, an example would be to shut the affair down asap if you want to up your chances of R. Another would be to secure your home and accounts before confronting to protect yourself as much as possible.

An example of where moving too quickly could really hurt is where you confuse your belief she is the one with the overwhelming desire to stop the pain you are in. What you are going through, mentally and physically, is no different in some ways than if I cut your leg off and left you to die. You would most likely pick up that leg and walk for a mile to get help and save your own life. The same kind of thing can happen with emotional trauma. We can often try to do anything to stop it. Some of us have sold ourselves out in ways we could never have imagined we were capable of doing. You also do not want to toss something away and regret it for the rest of your life.

Protect yourself but don't forget you are very traumatized right now. You can't panic and bleed out. Be patient with yourself and don't put too much thought into fixing or figuring it all out in a day. It just isn't possible.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

spideysjs said:


> I tried that one night; i got off early and passed by our house, she was not home so i drove to her work, looking through the windows there was no one inside. I called the restaraunt to see if she was still working and they said she got off a long time ago. Then got a text from her saying she was going to bed. I told her that sucked because i was dowtown at the bar across the street waiting for her to get off of work. She calls and says that she got done with work, sent me a message that she was done and going out for a bit, but it never "sent" she hung out with "him"( which i will explain in a moment) for 15 mintues then went home. I know that to not be true because i had been downtown for at least 45 mins. of course when i looked at our phone records there were at least 15 texts between them in the 10 mins it takes me to get home. Explanation...When all this came to light he was listed in her phonebook with a name. I reverse looked up the number to discover where he was from and that the name she had used was his middle initials, A.K. she later changed his name in phonebook to "eve kane" and then "eve adams" now it is listed as "white lightning" A couple weeks ago i stopped in to see her for brunch and sat at the bar, bartender introduces himself as "brad" which i know is this mans first name, we talk a bit about music and i ask for his number under the guise of getting together to check out local music, i really wanted to check the number, sure as can be he starts telling me his number and i know right away, as i will never forget that number. He does, however, change the last digit.
> She uses an iphone 3g.
> Hard to find out where they may be after work as they work downtown and there are a million bars within walkind distance, i know some of her favored and am going to try that again this weekend when she works.
> Have no friends here in town as i've been a hermit.
> ...


You are in denial. they are f*cking one another. Either the other guy is already taken and she is waiting for him to break up or she is waiting to break up with you due to living in the same house situation. Either way, she will dump you. She is done with you. If she has an iphone, you can recover all the texts. get the proof and get out!! You still have your self respect. Don't beg or grovel!! Good luck



And this is not way to have a relationship either. It is dead. She is lying to you and you have to snoop on her to get any truth. Don't drag this out further. End it.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Lots of software to recover deleted texts from an iphone. Just google them up.


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## spideysjs (Oct 3, 2012)

thank you falene,
yes all very true. I have been wrestling with this since july 20th.
And am trying to be as patient as i can. reading the posts today paint things in a very different light. And I am so very conflicted.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

It will be one year on December 18 for me and I totally get "conflicted". We all know what you are going through. It is to be expected.

The one thing I personally found amazing is that while the finer details are often different, infidelity follows a script! Both in how the cheater behaves and how the betrayed responds. Of course there are always exceptions but infidelity is just slightly younger than love I swear. When you knowledge up about all of this, it can be quite comforting (at least it was for me). Just knowing that I wasn't the first person in the world to deal with this and find people who can totally get me really helped me a lot.

It is still early, you should be taking a walk and not sitting here ready our lame ass posts.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Spidey, 

Lets look at your situation and analyze this outside the box. You are a lucky man, you know what your girlfriend is like and the reason you are lucky is because you are not married to her.

Think of it as an investment, you want something secure, something that will produce steady returns. You will not want something unsteady, erratic, and unpredictable. You do not want to marry someone like this. She is acting in a very immature manner, you are not even married yet and she is acting this way, how does that show you any dedication to the relationship. 

Stop holding yourself back.

Do not be the man that had THE POWER to choose better and did not choose better for himself for lack of self respect, being stubborn on changing the habits/behaviors of his mate, baby sitting his girlfriend, living in paranoia, distrust.

Mate, what you have is not love.

Become better, be open to better (single), you deserve better, there is better, and you WILL find better. 
So do not tolerate this, do not settle for this or else you will find yourself BITTER!


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

look, you are still grieving you mother, so you are afraid to lose anyone close.

But you know and we they are screwing. So STOP playing word games and start to protect your house and accounts.

You start like this.
Tomorrow when you have your talk, the goal is to get her to sign a QUIT CLAIM DEED to your house. Use her pretend love for you to prove she is not cheating by signing it. 
Tell her if you mean more to her than just a checkbook. prove it by signing. 
Guilt trip the hell out of her. Tell her you think she is only with you for security, and don't back down. She knows or thinks you are so caught up in your grief, that you don't see what she is really doing.
So use that to your advantage. BE so insecure that the ONLY way she can prove it is to sign the quit claim.
You see, while she is in school, you are her wallet, so she should want to keep that. And that gives you a pretty good chance at getting it signed.

Now on the other hand, if she won't sign, you have your answer.
Sure she is going to pull the old "you have no reason to not trust me", thats when you reveal JUST a LIL of what you NOTICED. YOU notice I didn't say what you KNOW. DON"T let her know what you KNOW !!! Pretend you NOTICED. big diff dude.

At this point you should have only one objective. Getting a signed doc.

its time to be the MAN your MOM raised you to be, and if she did it as a single parent, she was a strong woman. Would she want you to be codependant on this piece of,,,,,,

Anyway, cut your loses and move back to Cali after handling your business there.
It time to step up and Thank Mom for the upbringing by making her proud by being the man she raised you to be. Not some cheating sk**ks checkbook.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> its time to be the MAN your MOM raised you to be, and if she did it as a single parent, she was a strong woman. Would she want you to be codependant on this piece of,,,,,,
> 
> Anyway, cut your loses and move back to Cali after handling your business there.
> It time to step up and Thank Mom for the upbringing by making her proud by being the man she raised you to be. Not some cheating sk**ks checkbook.


:iagree:


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> look, you are still grieving you mother, so you are afraid to lose anyone close.
> 
> But you know and we they are screwing. So STOP playing word games and start to protect your house and accounts.
> 
> ...


100% agree wit this.


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## spideysjs (Oct 3, 2012)

I hear you all. This morning I moved all funds from our joint account to my own account. I was going to expose to OMGF today. Any advice on that? What to expect form her? Just call and say "you don't know me but i think we should meet up for a bit?
Or at this point just cut losses and bail?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Just tell her what some of the texts contained, the amount since july and ask her to check her ph records ask her if she has had her own suspicions.Print and showher the amount of texts.Please you will feel so much better empowering yourself andnot being the victim anymore. I'm rooting for you and good luck! Blow this up then bail if you want.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

spideysjs said:


> I hear you all. This morning I moved all funds from our joint account to my own account. I was going to expose to OMGF today. Any advice on that? What to expect form her? Just call and say "you don't know me but i think we should meet up for a bit?
> Or at this point just cut losses and bail?


Be prepared to forward the texts you have as proof. She likely will not believe you if you cant prove it, would you? Either way, rather you stay or go OMGF has the right to know what she's dealing with.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

tom67 said:


> Just tell her what some of the texts contained, the amount since july and ask her to check her ph records ask her if she has had her own suspicions.Print and showher the amount of texts.Please you will feel so much better empowering yourself andnot being the victim anymore. I'm rooting for you and good luck! Blow this up then bail if you want.


Believe me when I tell you it is both gut wrenching and empowering to do this. But the more control you take in this the better and more prepared you'll feel to take the next step-whatever that is. Do NOT be the victim here. You have to take steps toward proving this so you can either move on or R. But either way YOU will know. Texts and phone calls are pretty good proof. I had emails, VAR recordings and a few texts as well as other people around them "ratting them out". You probably wont get that much detail and honestly you have enough red flags that you dont need them. Trust your gut. Its what flipped the switch for me-trusting my gut. It NEVER misled me. I just had to learn to listen to it even when my heart was saying "NO WAY".


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

spideysjs said:


> I hear you all. This morning I moved all funds from our joint account to my own account. I was going to expose to OMGF today. Any advice on that? What to expect form her? Just call and say "you don't know me but i think we should meet up for a bit?
> Or at this point just cut losses and bail?


What is the plan ? What if the gf does not believe you ? Or if your keeps lying to you about her relationship with this guy ?


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## dynamik (Oct 3, 2012)

spideysjs said:


> Hello all of you helpful people. I have been browsing through these forums and decided it was time for me to seek help.
> 
> Some quick background about my situation.
> 
> ...


She came home and immediately took a shower. That's a tell tale sign of it already being physical.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Introduce your self and state way you are making this phone call " your boyfriend and my girl friend are texting and professing there love and other sexual acts". Also mention the amount of texting and when the texting started.

Continue on by asking for her support in both relationship (this will prevent from looking like a bad guy who is jealous, but a man that is trying to protect a relationship).

She will ask for evidence and tell her you have only seen text and have no hard proof. Also inform her that you have NOT TOLD YOUR GF and offer to wait to confront each SO and gatherer the hard evidence but you will need her help.

Offer to stay quit until she wants to gather her proof and then the both of you can compare notes and have a more effective confrontation.

She may want to confront OM and OM will talk his way out of it and tell your GF about the call. 

Be prepared just like you deniel is very strong so she may call your GF some names and tell you to never contact her again. If thats the case then your job is done and you can move on. Do not try to convince her. Say good by and thank her for her time.

If she does go off at least offer to take your name and number down so in the future she can contact you.

Again you have no proof of an affair but you do have your GF actions and her behavior and that alone is enough for any man to move on. It will be up to OM GF to tolorate the OM or believe you and take action her self. It just would be nice if the both of you could work together and see what really is going on.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

You can use exposing to your advantage also. By telling her you have tried to talk to her, and she keep doing the same damn thing. Now you are tired of it an want his gf to know how much you are not ok with the friendship.
This is where it will get tricky.
You see, MY GOAL is to get that QUIT CLAIM SIGNED by her. And should be yours too.
So play the insecure BF that wants to feel like more than a paycheck.
Make her PROVE it by signing it. 
She is playing you, so flip the script and play her to get her off the title.
If it will help, try to look at it as going into a business deal and handle it that way emotionally an mentally.

NOW, what I want you to do is admit to yourself the truth. Its a PA!!!! Hopefully this will help you see the path you want to take. R, can't see it if she was not there for you, knowing how close you and your Mom was.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She's stayed out all night with this guy - she comes home and jumps right into the shower - she leaves work and goes out with this guy, while telling you that she's heading to bed.

Yeah, they're having sex.

I'm going to guess that sex with her and you has changed as well?

Tell the guys GF. Don't worry about convincing her, just give her your contact #, and what you know and tell her to draw her own conclusions.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> She's stayed out all night with this guy - she comes home and jumps right into the shower - she leaves work and goes out with this guy, while telling you that she's heading to bed.
> 
> Yeah, they're having sex.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Listen to Shaggy. I posted something and Shaggy picked up on something in that post _that I hadn't realised I knew_ but, when Shaggy pointed it out, I thought: "Yes! That's right!"

So, as I say, Shaggy should be listened to.::smthumbup:


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

btw - if you can remember the date she stayed out all night - and can tell the guys GF you might just find that the GF was away from their place on a trip or something.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

iphone 3g
- do a backup of the iphone via itunes.
- in the backup directory there's a file where there should be all the messages, even deleted ones. Do a google search on how to retrieve. A search on this forum should also bring up how. 


You are not married. Do NOT marry her now. Do NOT get her pregnant. If you do, your future will be ****ty.

She has shown you who she is now. If you do marry her, you consciously walk into it. Then you cant blame anyone else, no not even her, for your future troubles.

Did you pay for the house yourself? Did you just add her name later on? Talk to a very good lawyer to see if she can be considered holding the house in trust for you?

Otherwise, pull all the equity out of the house and isolate it from her. Then one day you'll "lose" it all, say, when you go to a casino while depressed.

Realize if she is to have 1/2 your house, she can also have 1/2 your debts.


Stop having joint bank accounts and credit cards/debts/loans.


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## spideysjs (Oct 3, 2012)

Hi everybody,
Sorry for my silence here. My father had a massive heart attack and his health is failing rapidly. I have returned to Louisiana to be with him in what may be his final days. The rest will just have to wait until I am back in CO.
Continued thanks for all your advice and help.
-S


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Sorry to hear that.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Extremely sorry about your father. Be there for him and the rest of your family.

Consider staying in LA. I don't think there is anything in CO worth going back for.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Sorry friend.


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## spideysjs (Oct 3, 2012)

Before i left i tried decipher text message and wondershare apps but they only recovered what was not deleted. Was hoping to get somethings in writing to share with OMGF but oh well.
pretty sure once I leave Louisiana and head back to CO I will be packing up and heading back to Los Angeles.
-S


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Take care of your dad and family now then later take care of the rest once again so sorry my friend.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I am very sorry about your father & his illness comes so soon after your mother's passing. You will have to be very strong for yourself. Your gf simply doesn't seem to be there for you. 

Wishing you strength and peace.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hope your dad is ok.


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## spideysjs (Oct 3, 2012)

Hello again all,
I am back in CO, father's health is bad but at least stable. They are saying 6 months to a year. You may remember from my first post that my mother was my "parent" my father was simply the man who slept with her; we have never really had a relationship. 
So moving on to changes here in CO.
Full disclosure has come out between the two of us. OMGF actually contacted me after printing out the entire text chain between the two of them. It was not at all easy to read. I can say for sure that it never got physical between the two of them. OMGF and I compared suspect dates and were actually able to look at text conversations with other friends to verify all of this. They were simply never alone together. This does not really help as it is the emotional betrayal that hurts the most.
So after meeting with OMGF I took the printout of texts and confronted my girl. Long hard conversation as i am sure some of you are familiar. This was on monday. She has agreed to NC and has given two weeks notice at her job. She has shared with me the schedule at work and is going to call out of any days that he is also scheduled. She had no resistance when i asked for NC, saying "anything you need or want me to do to start making this better I will do" I told her of the need for transparency and that while I will forgive her and trust her again it will not happen soon or without work and dedication.
We have decided to work through this. We start couples therapy this week. While I am not taking any blame for her choices, and told her such, I still had my part to play in this; pushing her away and not being a part of our relationship etc. 
She asked if i would be willing to come with her to school and I have done so yesterday and today. She says she just cannot be away from me right now. She is afraid I will leave her. She has expressed deep guilt and sorrow and continually asks me what she can do. I simply do not have the answer to that question. I believe her when she says she is sorry, i can see the pain and guilt in her eyes. She often says she does not deserve me and how can i be so supportive of what she needs right now. Love is the only answer i can give. Good people make poor choices. These nightmare words and images float through my mind and she can see it. I decided to take a break from asking her all the questions that are killing me for at least today.
So here are my questions for you awesome helpful people.
No contact.
A letter written to him? A text she sends with me there? A phone call with me there? I feel like she needs to tell hi why, or should it just be simple and straight forward. i.e. I can not see you or have any contact with you anymore.
Transparency.
She has given me all of her passwords, most of which i already knew. has kept her phone in plain view, has shown me her emails. I told her that I will still be checking our phone bill etc. it will take time to trust and believe her again, that i will have some anxiety about going to work tonight and leaving her alone for the first time. She said she will stay at school where i can see a log of everything she has done. Is there more to this?
Reconciling?
I told her that i think it is good that we get all of the nasty, ugly questions and thoughts out now. Good idea? I don't want to crucify or berate her all day every day, this is why i decided to take a break from that for at least today.
Thoughts and experiences on this or links to posts about NC, transparency and moving towards reconciling would be most appreciated. 
Most of all I want to say thank you to all of you who helped open my eyes and your positive support.
-S


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

NC should be a letter....No contact means no contact, the last thing you want is the two of them hearing eack others voices and having those feeling ignite. Texting also gives OM a chance to respond.....stick with a letter. she writes it you send it.

Trancparency is a most.


As far as details....I think you need to know what you are forgiving her for so ask a way.


All of these things are consequences she needs to face, as shameful as they are for her to share, again a consequences....just like her lack of privacy and other chores she need to do to be accountable and transparent.

I also suggest she go get some IC and learn the tools to prevent this behavior from happening again. Some theropy will help her understand her lack of boundries or entitlemnt issues or what ever else she needs to figure out to affair proof her relationship.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I'm glad that you were firm and to the point and remember how afraid you were to tell omgf, now by showing no fear and strength she is afraid you will leave. Trust but verify stay in touch with omgf on occasion.I like to see success stories! Also her actions not her words


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Good luck Dude. Oh - and get her name off that house that you own - now.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> Good luck Dude. Oh - and get her name off that house that you own - now.


Forgot about that was it a quit claim deed he had to do?


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## spideysjs (Oct 3, 2012)

House is taken care of, I returned to CO on monday with those papers in hand. Of course I had no idea what direction that day was going to take. She had zero resistance to signing, saying she understood why.
CT starts this next friday and she asked about IC, I of course supported her in that. 
NC will have to be a text that I will be there for, as OMGF kicked him out of house and he is living in car; no place to send a letter to. I would like to say that I am a better man than to take joy in that but....
Last night was the first night I worked since disclosure and it was hard on both of us. As soon as i walked in the door she had her phone out for me to see, our phone bill pulled up online to show she had not deleted anything from phone, her email open and ready. I believe she is trying for true R and not rug sweeping.
She has huge exams this week and I told her we could hold off on more questions etc. until the weekend. She discussed the idea of dropping out of school this semester so that we could be a priority. I do not think that is necessary. I guess i am just rambling at this point. Anyways just an update I suppose. 
Thank you all.
-S
She continues to ask what she can do, and i continue to not have an answer.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You need to start giving her answers, even though she is doing all these positive things...at the very least ackwowledge the things she is doing.

So maybe you can at least tell that what she is doing is great and to keep it up.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

spideysjs said:


> House is taken care of, I returned to CO on monday with those papers in hand. Of course I had no idea what direction that day was going to take. She had zero resistance to signing, saying she understood why.
> CT starts this next friday and she asked about IC, I of course supported her in that.
> NC will have to be a text that I will be there for, as OMGF kicked him out of house and he is living in car; no place to send a letter to. I would like to say that I am a better man than to take joy in that but....
> Last night was the first night I worked since disclosure and it was hard on both of us. As soon as i walked in the door she had her phone out for me to see, our phone bill pulled up online to show she had not deleted anything from phone, her email open and ready. I believe she is trying for true R and not rug sweeping.
> ...


No more "nights out with friends" unless you are there.
Zero alcohol without you around.
Continue with transparency.
Be open and honest with you about everything. If she becomes attracted to someone she should tell you. If she does not feel your relationship is moving in the right direction she should talk to you. If she feels "something" is missing, then talk to you. 
And the flip side is you need to do all these things for her as well.

For you - do not be satisfied too quickly with what she is doing. She may have just changed her method of communication. Some people are truly sorry and realize what they could lose. Some are just good actors.

Stay vigilant for a few months at least.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

This should help. Print this off and study it with her.

Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> You are in denial. they are f*cking one another. Either the other guy is already taken and she is waiting for him to break up or she is waiting to break up with you due to living in the same house situation. Either way, she will dump you. She is done with you. If she has an iphone, you can recover all the texts. get the proof and get out!! You still have your self respect. Don't beg or grovel!! Good luck
> 
> 
> 
> And this is not way to have a relationship either. It is dead. She is lying to you and you have to snoop on her to get any truth. Don't drag this out further. End it.





spideysjs said:


> I am in nearly same situation, 2 months past dday, 4 days ago she finally tells me they slept together twice.
> Same feelings, how can I possibly get her nice, sweet things.
> It comes down to this for me....
> We are truly reconciling, I truly love her, its very hard but I am
> ...



Read your post in the other thread. Don't trust this woman with your mental well being. It wasn't just twice. 

Not being married that could have happened to you. You had the OMGF help you with it. Even then she took 2 months to confess this. You won't be this lucky every time.

Maybe she is not evil but she is not strong enough to not do it again and destroy you in the process. Just like a drunk driver killing someone. You will just be collateral damage.


And don't get her anything for Christmas.!!


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